[Book IV, Act I, Scene I. A very small shed. ALICE, AUSTIN, CHARLIE, CLINT, DUR and HARVEY are here, having just appeared in what appears to be a garden shed that is absolutely packed with dog food.]

Alice: [Looking around] Yikes! Someone sure has a lot of dogs. [Spots Austin's orb] Uh oh! Are you sure that was such a good idea, Aus? After all that strangeness, I think we need a bit of normality.

[The door swings open. Enter ARCHIE "ANGRY" ANDERSON, a huge hulk of a man who looks super strong.]

Angry: [Taken aback at seeing the party] What? How? Wh- [Bursts into tears]

Archibald

Austin : [To Angry] Aaaah, please do excuse our uninvited intrusion, we shall leave immediately.

Charlie: Yes, but first, could you tell us where and when we are?

Angry: [Drops to his knees, sobbing] Hout hide heens hew!

Alice: [Quietly to the party] Er, we can't really get out with him blocking the door, can we?

Austin : [Looking at the dog food] Not unless you are really really hungry! [Looks at Angry] I think he said 'outside Queens View'. We appear to have rather upset him.

Angry: Why? Why! How did you find me?

Alice: Somewhat difficult to understand, what with all that sobbing and such.

Harvey : Indeed dear niece! [To Angry] I say sir, man up, what! Stop that sobbing this moment!

Austin : [To Angry] Would you mind letting us out of your shed, we do not want to inconvenience you any further.

Charlie: Yes, we only came upon you by sheer accident, I assure you! We did not intend to make you cry, so do calm down and we shall be going.

Dur: Indeed. We prefer to make you cry on purpose, not by sheer accident.

Back

Alice: Although we're not above taking credit for it!

Angry: [Looks around at the party, before fixing a glare on Austin] Inconvenience me? I'm about to be killed in a really gruesome way, do you really think I care about inconvenience?

[The party form a huddle to discuss this question.]

Alice: I would have thought no, but he seemed so enraged about our presence, I'm thinking yes.

Whoohoo!

Dur: Maybe we can reason with him?

Harvey : I wonder who's trying to kill him? I seem to think he thought it might be us!

Angry: No, it wasn't you, but I saw you in my vision, just before I died.

Harvey : Erm, I see. [Turns to the others] Absolutely mad, what!

Charlie: [To Angry] How fascinating! Tell me more about your vision, if you would? [Flips open a notepad] For instance, had you any clues as to the time of day, year, or the date itself? How did you die? What were we doing in the vision? Did you see ALL of us? And so forth!

Angry: I think it was roughly around now, that's why I left Queens View and came here. I stocked up with food so I could hide until everything was done. I saw you all at Madame Eternuer's place.

Unless you've been told otherwise, you haven't heard of this place.

Dur: Nonsense! I have never even been to a brothel!

Harvey : What sir! There are no brothels in Queens View, surely!

Charlie: [Gasps] Perhaps your wife has returned?!

Angry: It's not a brothel! It's just a place where... gentlemen can go to have certain, shall we say, services rendered to them. And it's not just men!

Harvey : Be that as it may, I am sure you are mistaken, for we would never frequent such a place, what!

Austin : By the sounds of it, no one has ever been there. Perhaps we should try tosave this poor fellow's life? [To Angry] Do you think that we might be able to help you, keep you alive?

Angry: Just because you haven't been there doesn't mean you never will. [To Austin] Maybe that's what kills me! [Starts to tear up again] All the visions are coming true. Soon it will be my turn. What a truly disgusting way to die!

Charlie: Perhaps then we should leave you well alone! [To the party] Group, let us go into the town and see what we can learn.

Angry: Yeah, why don't you do that?

Alice: Uh, why do you have so much dog food?

Angry: Because I'm planning on hiding out here for the next few months.

Dur: That's absurd! [Eyes the dog food hungrily].

Angry: [Slowly edges into between Dur and the food directly in front of him, although, of course, he is virtually surrounded by it] It's actually genius! You don't even need a can opener to get into them, you can just peel the can off.

Alice: [Looks at one] First, I don't think this is real dog, second, [shows the can] this doesn't have the tab.

Angry: [Bursts into tears] Nooooo! I'm going to staaaarve! [Sounding eerily like a dog] Nooooooo!

Dur: [Peeks eagerly around Alice] So you don't need the dog food?

Austin : [To Dur] What on earth would you need it for? You do not own a dog. [To Angry] Starve? Surely only your dog will starve?

Angry: No he won't! You think I'd let old Feller starve? After he pulled me from that frozen pond when I nearly drowned? After he ran into that burning house to save my baby niece? After he trudged three hundred miles across a wasteland on an incredible journey to find me after we were separated? I could never let a dog like that starve!

Alice: Where is he?

Angry: I shot him when I thought he'd peed on the floor.

Austin : [Shocked] How terrible, your carpet must surely have been ruined?

Angry: Yes it was! There was blood and brains all over it!

Charlie: [To Austin, comfortingly] Don't be distressed! A man of his class surely had a rug of inferior quality, perhaps old soiled socks stitched together or some such.

Angry: Don't be ridiculous! I didn't use socks!

Alice: What did you use?

Angry: Underpants. [Sees the party's disgusted looks] Hey! It's not like they were all mine!

Harvey : I say sir, you are quite barking mad!

Angry: Mad? Imagine how mad I was when I discovered it wasn't Old Feller who peed on the carpet at all!

Alice: Who did pee on it?

Angry: I did.

Harvey : Indeed. And unsurprising, what! Come troop, let us be away from this mad man to head to town!

Charlie: Exactly my thoughts, Colonel! [Turns to leave and steps in a small puddle. Glares at Angry, shaking her foot dry] You really ought to have that seen about or at least paper-train yourself!!

Angry: That's not pee, it's apple juice! It's really easy to mix them up, though. [Opens a fridge] Anyone want some apple juice?

[Exit the party, rather quickly. A short distance away, they come to a wanted poster of themselves. It contains some very badly drawn versions of themselves, with some artistic licence, such as CLINT's horns, HARVEY's third eye, ALICE's beard, CHARLIE's patch and DUR's second head.]

Alice: Hey! Look at this!

[The sign reads "Wanted for murder. 10,000GP reward."]

Dur: [Reads over the sign] But which murder are they refering to?

Alice: I don't know, there've been so many! Maybe that kid? Rachel?

Dur: I suppose, if they mean the most recent one. But honestly, who could even recognize us from these pictures. [Glances at his shoulder to be sure he doesn't in fact have 2 heads]

Alice: I'd definitely recognize you from that picture, Dur, even with the beard. [Looks more closely at it] Hey!

Harvey : [Looks closely] This is not good troop, this is not good at all! The last thing we needed was our own town hunting us! And who could afford to give a reward of ten thousand?

Austin : [Ooozing Smug] Ooh, you are a bunch of ne'er do wells aren't you. I should think that you will all be swinging from the gallows at sunrise tomorrow.

Alice: We're all there, Aus! See? That's you, with the - hm, hey! How come Aus isn't there?

Austin : [To Alice] Perhaps it is because I do not murder small children. [Ponders] Hmm, yes, that is probably the best explanation.

Alice: That's not fair -- hardly any of us murdered small children!

[The party continue along, passing dozens of the posters. Eventually, they come to another one of MELODY, that they had seen before, in Book VII, Act I, Scene IV. It says "Wanted: Big reward for super evil mastermind type."]

Melody

Austin : [To Alice] Do not worry, I'll put in a good word for you at your trial. [Sees the poster of Melody] Do you know her? [Sighs] It is always the pretty ones that turn out bad. [Glances at Alice] Shame.

Harvey : I have never seen that person before, troop. Criminal mastermind, eh?

Alice: Aw! Thanks Aus! Not just a criminal mastermind, Uncle Harvey, a super evil mastermind. Sounds pretty evil. [To Austin] We never met her, although we've seen loads of wanted posters for her. [Thinks] Although, I have no idea what she's supposed to have done.

Alice: Aw! Thanks Aus! Not just a criminal mastermind, Uncle Harvey, a super evil mastermind. Sounds pretty evil. [To Austin] We never met her, although we've seen loads of wanted posters for her. [Thinks] Although, I have no idea what she's supposed to have done.

Charlie: Crimes of fashion, no doubt! I know the type, like those horrid girls in the Xi Eta Pi sorority! [Affects an absurdly high-pitched, snotty voice] Not blonde enough! Not sassy enough! Too much grey flannel! Eyebrows like drunken caterpillars, indeed!!!

Austin : [To Charlie] Perhaps you should learn to accept compliments when you receive them? [To All, looking at the poster] We may be able to pin all of the accusations and crimes on her, she is the criminal mastermind, after all, and I am sure that she is capable of forcing all of you into committing heinous crimes on her behalf. She looks like she knows a thing or two about brain washing.

Alice: Hey! I was in the Xi Eta Pi sorority! [Goes all nostalgic] Ah, happy days, [smiles] being mean to plain girls, having the younger girls hold my hair back while I puked in the toilet, it almost makes me wish I went to college.

Alice: Good idea, Aus, but where could we find her? I bet someone like her, who's wanted all over the country, and who's a criminal mastermind, has gone underground, with her network of spies and informants shielding her every move, she'll be like the wind, by the time you sense her presence, she's gone, just like- oh, hey, is that her over there?

[ALICE points to a woman further along in the direction the party were heading, who is putting up the wanted posters of MELODY. It does appear to be MELODY.]

Austin : [To Alice] Or maybe she is just another wannabe, jealous of your fame and notoriety. Why don't we ask her. [Austin walks over to Melody] Excuse me, Ms Melody, but why are you putting up wanted posters of yourself?

Charlie: [To Melody] Indeed, is it merely your enormous ego or something more complex at work?

Harvey: Indeed, it seems an odd thing to draw so much attention to yourself, what!

Melody: [Startled] What? Uh, I'm sure I don't know what you mean -- I'm, uh, I'm taking down these posters!

[She has a huge stack of them, none of which look like they have already been up.]

Alice: Hey! Is she putting them up over posters of us?

Melody: [Squints at poster of the party that she's standing in front of] Huh! You look a whole lot less scary in real life. [Composes herself] I mean, back off, I'm an evil mastermind!

Melody: [Blissfully unaware of Charlie's mean spirited condescension] Well, I'm going to get one of my to put some graffiti on the new HARMA building in Queens View. It's going to say [excited] Harm a HARMA today! [Looks around at the party] Pretty evil, huh?

Alice: HARMA HARMA today? So, she supports them?

Dur: If she supports HARMA, that undoubtedly makes her an ecil mastermind... Doesn't it?

Harvey : [Scratches a sideburn] Mad dog killers and Harma supporters! What has become of this town? [To Melody, gesturing towards a poster of the party] Do you know who put up these posters?

Alice: [To Dur] Or maybe it just makes her an idiot?

Melody: No, I'm too busy doing evil and coming up with schemes to take over the world to deal with that kind of fupping carp.

Charlie: And how does your plan to spread HARMA-related graffiti further your plans to take over the world, exactly?

Melody: Huh. [Thinks for a moment] That's more in the evil category than taking over the world. You know, it's the kind of thing evil masterminds do, fup with authority because we're rebels. We don't take any of their shot.

Austin : [Frowns] Surely an evil mastermind does not have to censor their language?

Melody: Just because I'm an evil mastermind doesn't mean I have to have a potty mouth!

Harvey : Actually, I believe it does. There are not too many evil yet polite masterminds roving around,what!

Austin : [To Harvey] Hmm, well I am not sure on that point, colonel, perhaps there is some precedence. Gruella De Bille, and Hagratt Matcher were both quite polite and proper, but utterly, utterly evil.

Alice: Not to mention Canta Slaus. I mean, coming around to children's houses, sneaking in and stealing presents, all while laughing at them? That's pretty evil.

Melody: Well, I'm really evil too, so you better watch it, okay?

Harvey : Really, why don't you give us a for instance, my dear. An example.

Melody: Well, uh, I once took Daddy's car without permission, but, you know, that was just early on. And, um..

Alice: I bet her evil schemes are so evil that she can't talk about them, and that other people have taken the credit for them, like killing that Rachel kid, for instance. I just bet that was part of some super duper evil scheme of hers.

Harvey : [Angrily] By the saints, dear niece! You might be right! [Turns to Melody] How very dare you, madam!

Melody: [Taken aback] Uh, how dare I? I think you mean how dare you! [Thinks out loud] Although, if you said that you'd probably say how dare I, but [back to normal] you know what I mean. Hey, you don't tell me what the fup I can and can't do, and if I did kill Rachum, I wouldn't want anyone taking credit for my evilness.

[Turns to Melody]

Charlie: [Quivering visibly] How dreadful you are! I shall tell everyone I know about your dastardly deed, you wicked thing! Your name will live in infamy, and children everywhere will tell tales about you in darkened rooms and shiver!

Melody: [Looks thrilled] Really? That sounds great!

Alice: Yeah, and just wait until you ride into town and tell them you did it, now *that* would be a really evil thing to do!

Harvey : Indeed so! You riding into town proclaiming your evilness, mixed with these posters, why, the town itself will tremble in fear!

Austin : [To Harvey and Alice] I don't want to burst your bubble here, ..., well I do really, but anyway, I think that Melody would really appreciate it if you help her become feared in town, that is obviously her main objective, and I suspect that she will gain some not inconsiderable amount of power from it.

Alice: Maybe then she might spare our lives!

Melody: Maybe! Okay, [gets into her carriage] I'm off, you can read about my notoriety in the papers!

Charlie: [Waves cheerily] Splendid! Do stay in touch!

Alice: Hey! What about us? How far is Queens View?

Melody: Ten miles east of here.

Alice: Can't you give us a lift?

Melody: Nope, you can walk. [Gives an evil cackle] I'm evil, remember?

[Exit MELODY, zooming off into the distance. There is very little around, although the party can see a house in that direction.]

Austin : [Sighs] Well, she seems to be solidly on the Path. [Looks along the road to the house and frowns] Ours appears to involve some walking. [Sighs and starts walking towards the house]

Harvey : [Sighs heavily] It is at times like this that I regret throwing my footwear at those biker people!

Alice: Not as much as I regret the awful wardrobe that we had to choose from!

[The party, of course, are still wearing their tasteless and, in AUSTIN's case, insane, clothing. They set off to the house, which, mercifully, isn't too far, and soon approach the gate. It is a reasonable size cottage, with smoke coming out of the chimney.]

Charlie: [To Austin] Do something with that chicken before we meet anyone else, at the very least! [Goes to knock on the door]

Austin : It is not just a chicken, it is also a helmet! [Smirks and puts the helmet on, stuffing the orb down the front of his shirt]

Harvey : Well done private Sleaze. In one fell swoop, you have managed to make yourself look even more ridiculous!

Austin : Perhaps if I look ridiculous enough I will eventually be permitted enough rest and recuperation to visit a tailor, colonel.

[CHARLIE knocks on the door, and a familiar voice calls out "Coming!". A few moments later, the door opens. Standing there is none other than DR. SHELDON PARSONS, who the party were with just before they disappeared. He is dressed in his normal clothes, although is wearing a frilly apron over them.]

Sheldon: Charlie! Harvey! Wow! It really is you guys! Come on in!

End of scene, next one coming right up

[Book VII, Act IV, Scene II. The Cottage. ALICE, AUSTIN, CHARLIE, CLINT, DUR and HARVEY are here, having just been brought into the kitchen by SHELDON. The smell of freshly baked cookies permeates the air.]

Sheldon: Come in! Come in! I can't believe it's really you! I've been cooking all day!

[SHELDON gestures to a table packed with steaks, chops, a soused pigs head, complete with apple, golden honeyed locusts, jellied eels, thrushes ankles, snakes' feet, crispy popadoms and curried brussel sprouts.]

Austin : [To Sheldon] I do apologise for interrupting, you are obviously expecting guests. [Takes off the trust chicken helmet. Frowns] Do you by any chance have a suit that I might borrow, I have been forced to wear this dreadful costume for days now [Looks in dismay at his chicken armour]

Dur: [Mouth watering at the sight and smell of the food] Surrounded by this feast and you're worried about clothes? Women really DO think differently than men.

Sheldon: I am expecting guests, and they're here! [To Austin, mock scolding] You obviously haven't spent enough time with the rest of the party since getting back, because if you had, you'd know we're best friends. And no, I don't have a suit you can borrow. [Picks up a box] I have one you can keep!

Austin : [To Sheldon] Oh, I see, please forgive my overly formal narrative and accept my sincere gratitude for your most generous offer of a suit. [Looks massively relieved] You don't know how much this means to me [Sheds a tear, sniffs, then straightens up, wiping the tear from his eye] Thank you.

Dur: [Rolls his eyes] Wimp!

Sheldon: Well, actually, Austin, I do, because any friend of [puts his arms around each of Clint and Alice] these guys is a friend of mine! [Chortles at Dur] Haw! Typical Dur! He's such a card. [Conversationally to Austin] I bet they've told you all about me!

Gah! Forgot Tom told me he was away! Apologies for Clint's quietnes!

Charlie: [To Austin] Dr. Parsons proved to be quite a helpful ally and show promise as a research assistant. [To Sheldon] You are most kind, Dr. Parsons! I don't suppose you have a suit tucked away for me, as well? Something sensible, without being dowdy?

Sheldon: As a matter of fact I do, and it certainly isn't dowdy! It's not particularly sensible either, though. [Hands Charlie a box]

Charlie: [Delighted] Dr. Parsons, you've thought of everything! [Digs eagerly into her box and looks up, crestfallen] Really, you can't be serious? [Holds up a grey flannel micro mini-skirt and red stiletto heels] I am world-renowned scientist, not a secretary looking to sleep her way into marriage with the boss!!

Austin : [Takes his box, wipes his eyes a little] Dr. Parsons, please excuse me for a moment [Disappears into the bathroom]

Harvey : [Barges past everyone and begins stuffing his mouth with golden honeyed locusts] Mmmfh!

Clint: [Leering at Charlie's outfit] Hey! With that you could out bimbo Bimbo!

Sheldon: [To Charlie] Well, actually, it wasn't my choice. I have teamed up with another pal of [clearly means the group] yours, and he suggested it.

Dur: [Eyebrows raised in doubt] Oh? And which friend is this?

Sheldon: I'll get him in a moment, but in the meantime, you might want to take a look at this.

[Puts a blood stained piece of paper on the table.]

Sheldon: We got it from one of Trindle's minions.

The Note

Charlie: [Delighted] Oh, how marvelous! [Studies the paper a moment] It isn't any language I've seen, though it slightly resembles and could be related to Fauxnician. [Points to a word] That looks a bit like a word meaning "devil," I do believe.

Sheldon: Interesting! I see a resemblance to Errormake, which is related to Fauxnician. In Errormake, it would be "beast", or "savage beast", or perhaps, "three headed beast with a large penis." [By way of explanation] One really can't expect a one-to-one literal translation between ancient languages and our common tongue.

[Austin emerges from the bathroom wearing a Hugio Choss midnight blue suit, matching panda skin shoes by Wager, and a beautiful silk shirt from Deville Row]

Austin : [Checking his hair in a pocket mirror] What good taste you have, Dr. Parsons. [Picks up a golden honeyed locust and has a nibble] So rare these days. [Sighs. Spots the paper and has a look] Hmm.

Harvey : [Looking at the paper, munching contentedly] And what is that symbol that looks like a half chewed golden honeyed locust?

Alice: [Reaches over and flicks a half chewed golden honeyed locust off the prophecy] So is this a language people actually use?

Charlie: Perhaps not for some time, but it's certainly possible, given the similarities to other languages. [Studies the paper intently. To Sheldon, absently] What was it you said about a friend of yours picking out my outfit? I don't recall meeting any of your friends.

Harvey : Perhaps we need to hold the paper against a mirror or somesuch?

Austin : [Brings out his pocket mirror ans looks at the reflection of the paper in the mirror, showing it to Sheldon] Does that make any difference to you, Dr. parsons?

Sheldon: Please! Aussie! We're best buds now, you can call me Sheldon, or even Shelley, like Stinky here does. [Playfully punches Clint on the shoulder]

Clint: [With a mouthful of snakes' feet] Gerroffme!

Sheldon: None whatsoever, Aus. [To Charlie] He's a new friend of mine. I explained to him that I'm your best friend, well, essentially a member of the party, really, and he suggested we team up to help you.

Charlie: [Uneasily] He knows us? Who is this new friend of yours?!

Austin : [Nibbles a locust and casually glances around to see the new 'friend' emerge]

[The party can hear some ascending some steps behind a door in the kitchen, and a familiar voice calls out.]

Voice: Are those creamy cakes ready yet? I'd love some of the butterfly ones with the little piece of jam in-

[The door opens. It is PESTILENCE SOTOT, covered in blood, and who looks very surprised to see the party.]

Pestilence: Oh! You're here?

The party haven't seen Pestilence since Book VI, Act VI, when he saved them from The Core, a place of torture in a HARMA jail. He helped them past -- specifically telling Harvey that if they looked over after them -- where they met an angel named Pan. Pan sacrificed himself to save the world from Seth (that is, the person who became Seth) in a tear jerker where Charlie had to kill him at the end of Book VI, Act VII.

Pestilence saves

Pan dies

Austin : [Raises an eyebrow] But of course, Charlie's fiancee.

Harvey : [Choking on a mouthful of golden honeyed locusts] By the saints, you!

Sheldon: And *my* best friend! It's funny, but when we met, at first he didn't believe that all of us were best friends!

Charlie: [To Pestilence, shaking the stilettos and mini-skirt at him] Really, Pestilence?! THIS is how you see me??

Dur: [Startled] Holy undead demons Lawyer Man!

Pestilence: In my head, there are usually less clothes involved.

Sheldon: Pestilence and I have been having such fun! Swapping stories about you guys, and [jokily aside to the party] these guy is a demon for the creamy cakes. [To Pestilence] We've become great friends in our own right, haven't we?

Pestilence: Frankly, I'd have killed you only for your connection to these guys. [Thinks for a moment] You do make nice cakes, though. [To the party] It's the jam, you see. I like to pretend it's blood.

Austin : [Looks a little alarmed] I prefer to pretend that blood is jam. [To Pestilence] So, now that you have met us, are you going to let Shels live? He does make nice cakes! [Nibbles a fresh locust]

Pestilence: [Shrugs] Sure, but he's very whiney. [Sits down] So. That whole toppling God thing, how did that work out for you?

Charlie: [To Pestilence] Splendidly, thank you. [Looks him over critically] You're looking well, though rather homicidal. [Hopefully] Unless you're covered in jam?

Austin : [Shrugs casually] Not so well really, it messed him up a little but I as far as I know he survived and recovered. Then I was resurrected and had nothing but a suit of knitted chicken armour to wear, which was a horrific experience. Anyway, it was worth trying to topple him. [Bites the head off another locust]

Pestilence: [Takes a finger and licks some of the red off it] Nope. It's blood.

Alice: Er, who's finger is that?

Pestilence: Oh, some flunky of Trindle's. We've got him in the basement.

Sheldon: [Excitedly] We're torturing him! [Looks more seriously] Well, that is, I've been up here baking since I fainted.

Harvey : [To Pestilence] Have you found out what Trindle is up to?

Charlie: [Sniffs] Though any information gained under duress is highly suspect, as countless studies have shown!

Pestilence: No, and I don't think our prisoners knows either. [Points to the paper] He was bringing that to him, though. He was very protective of it.

Pestilence: I prefer to think of it as an suspect under duress can gain us information. Anyone recognize the language?

Harvey : No, not at all! I've never seen anything like it before.

Dur: I'm not even sure I can read!

Charlie: [To Pestilence] It bears some similarity to the Fauxnician language, but I cannot read it, other than this one word, which means "devil."

Pestilence: Looks kind of like a demon language to me. My source, [for Charlie's benefit] who's very, very reliable, informs me that these two words [points to the first two words on the second line] are roughly translated as "The Children of the Lady", or "The Children of a Lady", or "Please, for the love of God, don't cut off my fingaaaaah."

Austin : Could 'The Lady' be referring to Clementine?

Charlie: Excellent suggestion, Mr. Sleaze, though I should very much like to know more about this so-called reliable source. Have she an advanced degree from a respected university? Publications in the best journals? Has she written any books in the field of linguistics, etymology, or another field that would suggest she is able to make a translation of a never-before-seen language?! What ARE her qualifications?! [Clearly growing flustered] In other words, just WHO is this tawdry little trollop you can't seem to stop talking about?!

Sheldon: She? I thought you got them from that guy we captured and tortured?

[PESTILENCE rolls his eyes so hard the party can almost hear them.]

Sheldon: [With more than a hint of condescension] That is indeed an excellent suggestion, Austin, for an amateur. One most keep in mind that many ancient languages, particularly those of the prototypic variety, are often idiomatic, so the [finger quotes] lady in question might not be a literal lady. Perhaps a ship, for example. [Looks around the room] Any other examples?

Alice: A hooker? They're rarely ladies.

Sheldon: [Smiles] I see. Well, this is why we all make such a great team. Sheldon does the thinking, the party does the adventuring.

Austin : [Helpfully] And baking, Shels, you do the baking [nibbles on a fairy cake]

Charlie: [To Pestilence, smugly] Is this how you torture all of your prisoners? By effusively admiring various body parts? [Affects mock horror] Oh, Pestilence! You are so terribly frightening!

Pestilence: Sure. I just normally cut them off or gouge them out first. [Points to the second word with the severed finger] He was kind of vague, but it could also mean a noble lady or even a queen. Those words are the only ones he knew, and he and his cronies fought to protect this.

Sheldon: We killed them all!

Alice: Really? What did you do, Sheldon?

Pestilence: Mainly hid behind a rock crying like a little girl.

Austin : [To Sheldon] It was probably fear. [To all] Well perhaps that part of the message refers to us, we are, in a manner of speaking 'children of queens view'.

Harvey: By the saints, Private Sleaze! That could be it! After all, that bounder Trindle was looking for the prophecy, and, much as it pains this old soldier to say it, if you're right, then he might also be a Child of Queens View!

Dur: Is there anyway we can know for sure what this means?

Alice: We could get it translated!

Dur: Yeah! Let's do that! [Stuffs some food in his pockets to save for later] Some plan is better than no plan.

Charlie: How terrifically thrilling! I'd be delighted to work on the project. [Eyes gleam] We will no doubt be consulting many rare, ancient tomes and spending hours in the finest libraries.

Dur: [Looks suddenly horrified] Nevermind! Let's just dive in head first and threaten a whole bunch of people until we finally get the information we need. You know, like we always do.

Alice: I like it! Let's find some nerdy weirdo and beat them until they tell us what we want! Now, where can we find a nerdy weirdo?

[All eyes turn to SHELDON.]

Sheldon: Hey!

Charlie: You know, my former [looks at Pestilence] associate, Deuce, is rather the foremost expert in translating ancient texts. Perhaps we should consult him? [To Pestilence] I think you'll find that his posterior is really rather impressive.

Pestilence: Yeah, I heard he was often seen with a huge ass. Let's find him, torture him and get the info. Gosh! It sure feels great to be fighting on the side of good!

Sheldon: [To Charlie] If you are referring to Prof. Charles 'Deuce' Hilliard-Montgomery-Carthington II, I believe he is in Queens View. However, I find his work to be derivative and pedestrian, and his presentation style abrasive and combative, particularly since he took possession of the Whatever Card.

Deuce

Austin) for murder, killed a famous scientist and took possession of the fabled "Whatever" Card, which permits the holder to win any argument or fight. He and Alice allegedly had carnal relations the night of the murder.

Charlie: [To Pestilence, scolding] We shall only torture him if necessary. [To Sheldon] I don't suppose you know where he lives?

Sheldon: I believe he currently resides in Queens View. He has been seen there, making scientific claims so baseless that even you would be embarrassed to make them.

Alice: What kind of claims has he made?

Sheldon: [Sniffing haughtily] He said I was a big poopy head.

Harvey : Although the man was a complete ass, he did sometimes get his facts right, what! I certainly would like a few words with him! [Picks up a honeyed locust and crushes it loudly in his fist].

Austin : [Deadpan] I do hope he is feeling chatty. [Browses over the cakes] Perhaps we should take some cakes too, we could have a tea party whilst the colonel and Pestilence have a nice chat with him.

Sheldon: Well, actually, that would be extremely ill advised. Since HARMA have taken control of The Realms, we have essentially become a police state. While he can still travel the countryside with relative ease, it is highly unlikely that Pestilence would pass unnoticed in a town, let alone Queens View, which has become one of HARMA's main bases.

Remember, HARMA won the election in what appeared to be a fix by the Custos-Clementines. No one could figure out why they would do this, as HARMA appeared to be anti-Clementine.

Harvey : [Attempting to shake the crushed honeyed locust from his hand] That's a good point, indeed. We should track the bounder down ourselves!

Austin : Very well colonel, that sounds like an excellent plan. However, I suggest that since all of you are wanted criminals, that you should wear elaborate disguises.

Alice: Maybe Melody has already confessed to our alleged crimes? After all, she is an idiot.

Harvey : Not quite dear niece. An idiot hell bent on taking over the world!

Austin : Well there is always room for one more [Checks his nails briefly]

Charlie: Perhaps disguises would not be a bad idea in the interim, though my wearing this absurd outfit would probably be disguise enough! No on who knows me would ever dream I could dress in such a way.

Sheldon: Well, actually, I think you'll find that that's quite incorrect. Pestilence was the one who chose the outfit.

Alice: [To Pestilence] So, the owner of that finger, where is the rest of him?

Pestilence: In the basement.

Charlie: Let us have a word with him, then, unless the lack of blood has already killed him!

[Everyone heads downstairs to a dingy basement. There is a man here, hanging from shackles, who is covered in bruises and blood stains. This is RICKY RATTON.]

Alice: Yikes! Can we really let this guy here? I mean, how bad can he be?

Ricky: [Spotting the party, and almost throwing himself at them, held back only by the shackles] You bastards! You dirty scumbags! Come over here so I can bite the skin from your faces, you inhuman, murdering swine.

Ricky Ratton

Harvey : Ha, question answered dear niece! [To Ricky] You there, what do you mean calling us murdering swine, what?

Austin : [Standing well back near the exit, frowning in disgust at the mess. To the party] I see that your reputations precede you, although I would not go as far as to say that all of you are dirty.

Clint: And I, for one, want to know which one of us is inhuman!

Ricky: Jerome will rise again! You cannot stop him!

Pestilence: [To the party] Let's cut off another finger!

Dur: Soon we'll have enough to make Finger Stew!

Clint: Yeah, but we'd better leave him enough that he can [big pause] finger his associates for us!

Dur: [Frowns at Clint] That's disgusting!

Ricky: [Spits a disgustingly bloody glob of phlegm and blood at the party] Jeromitus will return! And you, you whores and traitorous cowards, you will suffer for what you did to him!

Clint: Yeah, but don't tell him that or [big pause] he'll give you the finger!

Okay, I'm done now, I swear!

Alice: Come on, Dur, it's a perfectly valid lifestyle choice! [To the party] Is Jerome in contact with these crazies?

Alice: [Smiles at Clint's clever word play] Even though he's very [big pause] HANDsome!

Harvey : Where is Jerome to be found?

Ricky: Not in your black heart, that's to be sure!

Pestilence: He doesn't know, he's just a flunky carrying a message.

Charlie: [To Ricky] Who gave you this message to carry?

Ricky: I and several other Brothers of Jeromitus travelled to the depths of the darkest dungeon, deep in the most forbidding jungle, on an island in the most shark infested seas. We battled fearsome monsters, resisted the most sultry maidens, wrestled with the most fiendish puzzles and retrieved The Prophecy. No one [with contempt] gave it to us, we discovered it.

Alice: Hold on, where were these fearsome maidens and sultry monsters?

Ricky: Mock me not, whore. The Brothers of Jeromitus are the bravest band of adventurers to ever roam the earth.

Clint: Anyone ever heard of these losers before? [Looks around at the group.]

Alice: They sound kind of like a boyband -- a lame boyband! Where are the rest of these fearsome warriors now?

Ricky: That disgusting demon killed them all!

Pestilence: Hey! That's not fair! [To the party] One of them was so terrified when he saw what I did to his buddies, he killed himself.

Dur: Still, you could have interrogated all of them first.

Pestilence: Hey! That's almost exactly what one of them said when I told them that I was going to kill them all. He's the one I cut in two.

Harvey : [Sighs heavily] By the saints, have we really fallen so far that I am not utterly disturbed by all of these events! What would dear sister Immaculata or Chastity make of all of this, eh?

Austin : I think that they would be disgusted and horrified, as usual. [Looking at all the blood] Although a few tea towels could come in handy.

Alice: [Nods] I know, I want to be horrified too, but he just makes it --

Ricky: You will all be judged! Clementine has returned and will wreak revenge on the entire world because of what your party did! We will feast upon your roasted eyeballs and shit into the holes!

Alice: [Disgusted] He just makes it too difficult.

Austin : [To Ricky] You do realise that you have been grievously misled. Trindle is nothing but a petty murderer. He murdered my wife, not to mention thousands of others, in cold blood. Why do you follow him?

Ricky: That was nothing but a step on his road to salvation! You, the ones who misled him about The Path, know that better than anyone. What is the worth of one pathetic life against the salvation of millions? You should be happy that your wife was killed! Rejoice in her sacrifice!

Charlie: [Attempts to step between Ricky and Austin. To Ricky] That's quite enough from you! [To Pestilence] I had thought you had done a great cruelty here, but now I see you used remarkable restraint. Do you think you can get more from him, or are we done with him?

Austin : [Dryly] I hope he has enough fingers left to go round.

Dur: If he doesn't we can start on his toes!

Austin : [To Dur] I think that you will find that his toes have been reserved, as have his eyeballs and teeth. You may want to make a reservation on some of the remaining fingers and perhaps an ear or a nipple.

Ricky: After what he did to my penis, do you really think I care about fingers or toes?

Alice: [Horrified] What did you do to his penis.

Pestilence: Nothing.

Ricky: You bastard!

Clint: Well then, let's be going!

Alice: What are we going to do with this guy?

Ricky: You better kill me! Set me free and I will have my revenge on you!

Charlie: [To Pestilence, nodding at Ricky] You will see to him, won't you? By which I mean, finish what you've started? Given that you already literally have his blood on your hands, it would be the courteous thing to do.

Pestilence: [Holds up his hands] Some of this is jam!

Sheldon: Right, chums. Given that I've essentially taken the role as your informal leader [turns to Harvey and Charlie] no disrespect, but, frankly, neither of you have the ability to formulate the sort of long term plans required for the task at hand, I suggest that you all go to Queens View, try to speak to Deuce, and then go to the rendez-vous point that Pestilence and I obtained from the prisoner.

Austin : I can see that you two would probably like some private time together, [to the rest] come on, let us take a light snack whilst we wait [Starts back up the stairs to the kitchen]

Clint: Oh, a light snack! [To Sheldon] Hey Shelly, you got any [big pause] finger food?

I'm sorry, I can't help it!

Harvey : At least I know what to get him for Philimas, what. Fingerless gloves, what! [Laughs long, loud and alone]

Sheldon: [Unimpressed at this frivolity] Yes, I see. His instructions were to go to Bo's Tavern in Queens View, and book a room under an assumed name. Some of Jeromitus' followers will be keeping an eye out for that name, and will then make contact. I've written it down for you, in case you forget. [Hands the party a piece of paper with "John Smith" written on it]

Austin : [Deadpan] But surely a genius like you should also provide us with a map and directions to the Tavern, we could get lost or worse!

Charlie: How thrilling, undercover work! Come, group! Let us go to Bo's Tavern and take the place of this zealot.

Sheldon: Well, actually, I took the precaution of making one for each of you. [Hands out some painstakingly accurately drawn maps to everyone]

Alice: Hey! How come my one is drawn in crayon? [Holds up it up to show that this is indeed the case, and that hers is far simpler than the other ones]

Sheldon: I felt that sort of simplistic representation would be more familiar to you.

Sheldon: Now, don't forget, once you have identified his contact and spoken with Deuce, you must return here immediately for further instruction.

Harvey : We may, as long as the feast has been replenished upon our return!

Charlie: [To Sheldon] Do stop pretending to be in charge, or I shall become quite cross with you and might not offer you a post-doc in future! Plainly, I am the leader of this group, and there is no room for discussion, though we are grateful for your assistance.

Sheldon: Now, now, Charlie, please don't be confused by our close friendship. However, you certainly are the leader when on a mission. Now, off you go.

Clint: Don't worry, Harv, I don't listen to either of 'em!

Sheldon: There is a stack of notebooks at the door. Please be sure to take one each on the way out and to record everything you see. Please use one of the supplied 2B pencils.

Alice: [Picks up one of the notebooks, each of which has a picture of Sheldon on the front, and writes something in it] Look! Mine says we saw a big poopy head!

Sheldon: [Looks at the entry] Poopy is not spelled with an "ie", and if it was, the "i" certainly wouldn't have a small love heart for the dot.

Charlie: [Looks at the notebooks and pencils and sniffs] I have my own, thank you. [To the party, kindly] Do not feel pressured to take a notebook. I know several of you have sub-normal literacy [discreetly nods at Dur, Clint, and Alice], being the true leader of this group and not a post-doc with delusions of grandeur, and therefore would never be cruel enough to suggest you put your ignorance on display!

Harvey : You seem to be doing a fine enough job of that on your own, what. Come troop, let us be on the off!

Sheldon: [As the party leave] But the notebooks! The notebooks! Won't someone please think of the notebooks!

[Exit the party.]

End of scene.

[Book VII, Act IV, Scene I. The Road To Queens View. ALICE, AUSTIN, CHARLIE, CLINT, DUR and HARVEY are here, walking to Queens View. About a mile out, they come to what looks like an enormous net, laid out flat on the road. It is at least thirty foot square. The party stop before they get to it.]

Alice: Hey look, it's Annette!

Austin : It's almost big enough to be Sheldon's hair net.

Dur: Anything that big is sure to be a trap!

Austin : For once I concur. Colonel, I have been waiting until we were remote from both Sheldon and Pestilence, to express my gravest concerns about Pestilence's involvement in our current leg of the Path. In particular I was rather disturbed at the behaviour of the party with respect to Pestilence's torture victim. Whilst several of the jokes made at the expense of the aforementioned victim's digits were not without merit, the general demeanour of the troop towards the victim was rather macabre, illustrating an unpleasant similarity to Pestilences own modus operandi that the troop appears to have assumed.

Charlie: [Offended] Mr. Sleaze, you can't be serious! You did hear what he said about your Lucy, did you not? The man was a monster--a remorseless zealot!

Alice: Yeesh, I don't remember you particularly nice to the guy, Austin! Now, I'm not a fan of Charlie's BF torturing people either, but what else could we have done? He did put him out of his misery, and if he didn't? Well, either we'd have to keep him imprisoned in that basement forever, or he'd come after us.

Austin : [To Charlie and Alice] I meant that this all seems to be one big trap. [Indignantly] And I was not excluding myself from the macabre party behaviour that I was observing.

Alice: Yeesh! Fair enough! I agree, it's weird to have Pestilence helping us, but we are kind of desperate and friendless here.

Austin : [Checks himself in his pocket mirror and smiles] Right. Well, what are we going to do about this trap, I can't see anyone waiting in ambush, they must be rather well hidden.

Charlie: [To Alice, oblivious to the subject change] To be fair, Pestilence isn't ALL bad, you know. He has helped us from time to time, though--granted, he is rather a murderous fiend at times. [Quickly] But he is NOT my BF, whatever that is supposed to mean!

Alice: Oooh! Pesty and Charlie sitting in a tree, k - i - s -s - n - should just cut the net in half?

Clint: I say we send Dur to check it out!

Austin : [To Charlie] I bet he is a terrible kisser though.

[Enter GACK MCJEE, a man in what looks like a variant of the HARMA uniform. He is standing on the far side of the net.]

Gack: [With a smile] And so we finally meet again.

Gack McJee

If you don't know who this is, and haven't been told privately, then your character doesn't know either

Austin : And who on earth are you. I am quite sure that we have never met before, and I am quite glad of that fact.

Clint: I'm with the lawyer on this. I have no idea who the hell you are, you freak!

Gack: [Laughs] Typical! I have been hunting you now for three years, across thousands of miles, through hell dimensions, in and out of time, and yes, you have done a great job of evading me, but now the game is up. Soon, everyone will know my name, and will long to see my precious badge.

[Shows the party his badge. It is a HARMA identification badge, with the name "Officer Gack McJee".]

Alice: Gack? What kind of name is that?

Gack: It's pronounced "Jack".

Austin : [Looking at the badge] Why would any one want to see that, Gack?

Charlie: [Peers at the badge] Yes, I see nothing special about the badge, other than the irritating spelling of "Jack." [To Gack] And why are you hunting us, Officer McGee? We are merely law-abiding citizens out for a stroll, hardly cause for alarm!

Gack: Because everyone will want to see the badge of the officer who had the Queens View party on the run for all those years!

Austin : But we have not been on the run from anyone, let alone you. We have never heard of you before now, and we have no idea why you would be 'hunting' us.

Gack: Nothing special yet, Charlotte, but there will be soon. I am specifically hunting the Colonel, Alice, Clint and Austin. You and Dur are accessories after the fact, so face less charges. [Smiles at the four] Did you really think you could get away with it? Really?

Alice: Get away with what? What the hell are you talking about?

Gack: Get away with breaking up the "Guardians of Uprightness Moral Crusade 1280- The Salvation or Death Tour", of course. As if you don't remember!

He's referring to the party stealing a bus back in Book V, Act VI. That happened way back in Feb 2006, and is about three years ago in game time.

Dur: [Completely ignores Gack and looks to Charlie] Your name is Charlotte?!

Heather is afk

Clint: [Cracks a smile thinking about stealing the bus.] Ah, good times! [To Gack.] Why on earth would we do that?!

Gack: [Shrugs] I'm sure I don't know, and guess we'll never know until you do!

Harvey : Then I guess we'll never know as we surely won't, what.

Alice: Can't we just kill this guy?

Gack: Like you killed the Moral Crusade of 1280?

Charlie: [To Gack] My colleagues and I have no intention of stepping into your net, as we are innocent and as yet formally uncharged, unless you have an arrest warrant? [Not pausing] I thought not! Now, we must be on our way and leave you to pursue real, dangerous criminals, like that Melody we keep hearing about! [Shivers] What a baddie she is!

Clint: Of course, if we *were* violent, dangerous criminals - which we're not! - then we wouldn't step into your net anyway. [Glances at Dur and Harvey.] Unless a ham sandwich were involved, anyway.

Gack: She's already been caught! Another epic battle of good against evil, where the morally upright HARMA organisation triumphed against all odds.

Alice: I thought she gave herself up?

Gack: [Puts his hands on his hips somewhat huffily] Well, that's a rather mean spirited way of putting it.

Charlie: Splendid! What a marvelous display of police work. Now that you have your baddie, I presume we are free to go? [Not waiting to hear] Wonderful! We shall be on our way, then.

Austin : [Deadpan] Yes, are they not miraculous in their diligence and skills. I sincerely doubt that there is any task that could best them, so modest, gallant and selfless. I expect that they do many great deeds without ever telling anyone. [Checks his nails casually]

Harvey : Indeed so! Well, we shall be on our way and I hope you net a future group of ruffians.

Gack: Now that you mention it, we do an awful lot of unsung work. People think we have someone in to clean the toilets, for example, but who do you think does that? Me! And you might think that there would be cleaning products other than my toothbrush, but -- hey! You're all still under arrest for the theft of that bus!

Dur: Well it wasn't the first and I'm certain it won't be last. Obviously we can't be held accountable for EVERYTHING we do while we try to save the world. Ever heard of Heroic Immunity?

Austin : Or Justifiable actions? Hypothetically, would you rather that we borrowed your bus, or saved the world, the fact being that your bus would not exist if we had not saved the world.

Gack: Heroic immunity? Of course I have, but that only applies to members of the HARMA Initiative! [To Austin] You didn't save the world, you stole a bus, and made a very brave man very upset. Do you enjoy that kind of thing? Do you think it's funny that Captain Darling ended up crying like a little girl?

Dur: Can you PROVE that we DIDN'T save the world?

Alice: It is a little funny though, isn't it?

Gack: Right! That's it! [Draws his sword and starts running across the net to the party] Chaaaarge!

Austin : [Giggles] He cried like a little girl. [Stops laughing] I hope he triggers that net trap [Watches hopefully]

Harvey : Now that would be justice in action, what!

[As if by magic, the net is suddenly swooped up, and GACK is left hanging in the middle of the road.]

Gack: Help! Help!

Alice: Hey look, he had a carriage! Let's steal it!

Austin : [Sighs in relief] I am so glad that he did not get closer, his breath must be disgusting. [Ponders] We should take his carriage back to town before some delinquents steal it. [To Gack] Don't worry, we will take your carriage back to town and get help!

Gack: Don't you dare! Don't you take it! I'm writing it down in my notebook now, and once it's written down you can't ever erase it from your record! Aw, crap, I dropped my pencil.

Alice: [Sits into the carriage] Don't worry, we'll treat it with kid gloves. [Reverses into a tree] Ooops. Didn't see that tree there.

Harvey : Ach, it's only a scrape! [Grimaces at the damage done] Come troop, let us be away!

[Everyone loads in, and the carriage pulls off jerkily, leaving the rear bumper behind, hooked on the tree.]

Alice: So, I guess we're off the hook for that child murder thing, eh?

Austin : He did not appear to know about your infanticide, however, he also was a moron.

Alice: True, and so are most of HARMA, but there's a lot of them. [Turns around to talk to Austin] You know, I was thinking about what you said about being worried about us doing dark things with Pesty and stuff, and I think you might be right. Remember what Cocan told us about how sometimes good people have to do bad things to advance on The Path?

[The carriage begins to veer across the road slightly. No reason to panic yet, but if the veering continues, there will be.]

Cocan is a soulmate of Sven, the party's all time favourite NPC. To their dismay, Cocan murdered a Hierophantic Knight some time ago, and was very callous about it, saying that the end justifies the means when it comes to fighting evil

Austin : [To Alice] Does that justify infanticide? It certainly justifies borrowing a bus, but it is hard to believe that Trindle advanced along his Path by murdering Lucy. How could he gain from that? [Sighs and gazes out of the window]

Alice: I'm not trying to justify it, I'm just saying that sometimes we might be forced to do bad things. Remember, we killed Jerome's and Azrael's baby to save the world.

Book V, Act X.

Charlie: One doesn't like to dwell on such things! Admittedly, we've had to do some things I shan't be including in the Annual Parker-Kensington Philimas Letter, but we are always motivated to act for the greatest good, after all.

Alice: [Nods] Agreed!

[The carriage is now drifting dangerously across the road. Standing a short way up is John "Terry" O'Quinn, a member of The Swarm that the party have previously met. The carriage looks to be on a collision course with him.]

Harvey : [Alarmed] Dearest niece, eyes on the road, what!

Alice: Yes, Uncle Harvey! I am actually -- [turns and looks] Aiiieee!

[ALICE jams on the brakes, and everyone hangs on as the carriage slowly skids to a halt, stopping half an inch from JOHN, who looks remarkably calm.]

John: [Gives the party a smile and a wave] Hello.

Harvey : [Pulling his embedded fingers off the dashboard with an audible popping sound] By the saints man, are you mad? You practically jumped in front of our carriage, ruining my dear nieces display of perfect driving!

Austin : He obviously has great faith in Alice's driving skills.

John: Not really, I think she's a lunatic who's so careless she should probably be banned from walking. My faith is in Clementine. I wonder, could I trouble you good people for a word?

John is a member of The Swarm. A group of people who had no visions during the blackout, and who believe they have been chosen by Clementine not to die, while everyone else is being punished by having seen their own, violent deaths.

Charlie: [To John, cagily] I suppose. What is it you would like to say to us?

Austin : [Briefly checks his watch] Chatty fellow isn't he.

John: It's not me, it's Terry. He's just over here. [Juts his thumb towards a small wood off to one side] It's about HARMA.

Terry was the leader of The Swarm. Although all the other members seemed to want to shake off all material possessions, Terry, real name William Worship, seemed to have more than enough cigars, whisky and cheese

The

Austin : [Looks at the small wood] Well, we shall wait until he has finished doing his business if you don't mind, it does not do to interrupt a chap whilst he is engaged in that occupation. Does he usually take this long?

Harvey : Perhaps he is also looking for paper, not just a word

Dur: [Picking some food from his teeth] Why doesn't he just use his hands like me?

John: I'm sure what you're saying makes some sort of sense, but I'm afraid it makes none to me. Terry is camped over in those woods, hiding from HARMA. He'd like you to join him there for a few moments, if that's okay with you. There's whisky there, and food!

Austin : Oh, he is camping! I see. Gets out of the carriage, [To Harvey] well, let's pay him a visit shall we, colonel.

Charlie: [To Austin] Yes, Mr. Sleaze, perhaps we should see what this about, [to the group] but do be cautious! One never knows what dangers lurk at a campsite!

Austin : Or the basement of an agricultural college. [Feigns surprise] except for you of course [smirks]

[The party follow JOHN to the wood, and soon come to a small clearing where there are two men. ADAM "TERRY" MCPATCH, who is wearing a HARMA uniform, and REVEREND BEN "TERRY" BENEDICTION, who is dressed similarly to the man originally introduced to the party as their leader (REV. WILLIAM "TERRY" WORSHIP) but is clearly someone different.]

Adam: [Snaps to attention] Terry! Is this them?

John: It sure is. [To the party, gesturing to Adam] This is Terry, and, of course, [gestures to Ben] Terry.

Ben: [Smoking a huge cheeserette] 'sup?

Rev.

Adam McPatch href=3Dhttp://queens-view.com/cast.php?query=3DBen%20Benediction>Rev.

href3Dhttp://queens-view.com/cast.php?query3DBen%20Benediction>Rev. McPatch

Charlie: [Looks around, at a bit of a loss] Er, hello, Terries! We are [gestures to each in turn] Harvey, Alice, Clint, Austin, Dur, and I am Dr. Charlotte Parker-Kensington, Watcher. Someone here wanted to speak to us?

[gestures to each in turn]
Harvey,

Ben: Oh? [Looks around] Who was that?

John: That was you, Terry.

Ben: Huh. Oh yeah, I think we might have a common enemy. The HARMA Initiative.

Charlie: We do, indeed, but what do you propose? Working together? Have you a plan to bring them to justice?

Ben: Yes we do. We were thinking that you could kill him. [Points at Harvey]

Colin's out today

[The party turn to look. It is a picture of JOE NUNPAR, the leader of HARMA, formerly the leader of the GUARDIANS OF UPRIGHTNESS, wrongfully thrown in jail to be tortured to death.]

href=3Dhttp://www.queens-view.com/cast.php?query=3DCol.%20Joe%20Nunpar>Joe=

href3Dhttp://www.queens-view.com/cast.php?query3DCol.%20Joe%20Nunpar>Joe

Charlie: Well, he IS perfectly dreadful, though out-and-out killing someone is a bit much, isn't it? Perhaps we could imprison him, as a compromise?

Dur: [Hastily puts away his dagger] Err... Yes. I agree, of course. Life is sacred, blah blah blah.

Ben: [Shrugs] As long as you remove him from HARMA, we'll be happy.

Dur: Great idea! But how do we do that?

Ben: I was thinking suicide mission.

Austin: [Idly looking at some of the bottles of wine in a case near Ben] Mm-mm. Pateau Chat de Neuf '65? Exquisite.

Charlie: [Cheerily] Why, that would be much more palatable! Have you any suggestions for how to get him removed?

Colin's still out?

Sorry about the last few days. I was at a meeting where I was *supposed* to have internet access!

Alice: So, we kill your enemy and get killed in the process? Is there anything else we can do for you?

Ben: It would be great if you could sign over all your worldly possessions, shave your heads and change your names to Terry.

Dur: What if we don't have any worldly possessions?

John: Then you're already well on the way. However, I think what Terry is getting at is that you could pass as Candidates, not that he believes you are. [To Dur] Except you, perhaps, because you didn't have a vision.

Dur: Yeah! That's right! So slap my ass and call me Terry!

Ben: Terry, why don't you shave his head?

Patch: [Grabs a rusty looking blade, and speaking through clenched teeth with barely repressed rage] It'll be my pleasure!

Charlie: [To Patch] You'll do no such thing! Dur is like a loyal, simple-minded pet to us, and we will not let you have him!

Patch: [Holding up a very shaky hand] He's ours now, part of The Swarm. What happens when you die your violent death because of your sins? Who'll look after him then?

Clint: He can look after himself. He'll have plenty of dead bodies to go around, so that'll feed him for at *least* a month!

Dur: Longer if I harvest the internal organs for some of my mom's home cooked Mystery Soup! [Eyes the blade] Still... I could use a haircut. No sense in not looking my best for the end of the world!

Patch: Bend over so I can use my big chopper on you!

Somewhere, Chastity is turning in her grave!

Dur: [Looks wary as he leans forward] We're still just talking about a haircut right?

Charlie: [To Dur] Don't just blindly follow what they order you to do! You're supposed to blindly follow ME instead!!

[PATCH attacks DUR's hair, and, in a flurry of shaking hands, hair and blood, is finished shaving his head within seconds.]

Patch: [Holds up a mirror] Watcha think?

[It is, frankly, difficult to tell, because of all the blood on DUR's head.]

We need to take Colin's work address off the list, but we can leave the gmail one.

Dur: [Looks in the mirror nervously] Errr.... Is that your blood or mine?

Patch: Most of it is yours.

Alice: How come some your blood is on his head?

Patch: Not my blood.

Dur: Then whose? [Tries to cast a healing spell on his mangled head]

Patch: [Shrugs] No idea.

[DUR casts his spell, and the relief on his face is enough to show that it worked. However, PATCHis outraged at this, and looks horrified.]

Patch: Terry! Look what he did! Let's kill him!

Alice: Look out, Dur! He might shave you to death!

No Colin again today

Dur: [Eyes widen as he hides behind Charlie] Hey! I thought I was part of the club now? Why are you trying to kill me?

Ben: Easy, Terry, [gestures to Dur] Terry here is new to the fold, he doesn't understand the rules yet. [To Dur] Now that you're part of The Swarm, you must give up magic. Everyone is equal, no one has any advantages.

Austin: [Pouring out some of the wine and smelling it] Ah! Wonderful! [Takes a sip] Except you, of course.

Patch: Terry's just helping us gather all the prohibited items.

Dur: No magic! But that's crazy talk! Maybe you should post your member requirements so people know before they agree to join!

Patch: [Angrily] You don't get to agree to join! You get chosen by Clementine! You should be down on your knees thanking her for sparing your worthless hide!

Dur: [Gets all huffy] Well, I never! I'll have you know good sir that this doctor doen't get on his knees for anything less than begging for his life!

Alice: Or a piece of left over food that's fallen out of the trash!

Harvey: [To Ben] Let me get this straight, sir! You expect us to sacrifice our lives to get your enemy out of the way? What have you got to offer us in return?

Ben: An army of shaven headed zealots who believe they are immortal, who will do your every bidding in the name of Clementine.

Clint: Hmm. Tempting! But how the hell are we supposed to use the army of shaven headed zealots if we're dead?

Ben: I was thinking more along the lines of you using them immediately prior to getting dead.

Heather's afk

Clint: [Guffaws.] So you want us to be all noble and self-sacrificing and stuff? Buddy, have you paid any attention to our press releases at all?!

Ben: Indeed I have, Mr. Scar, and that is why I believe you need redemption. [Takes a smoke of his huge cheeserette] You people have broken every law of God, man and nature, and, while I do have a certain respect for you, you have been judged, and you know that you will suffer. Sometimes bad people need to do good things. It's all about redemption.

And there we must pause until next week, as we're travelling

might be involved, but Angry was adamant that it wasn't:

Angry: It's not a brothel! It's just a place where... gentlemen can go to have certain, shall we say, services rendered to them. And it's not just men!

to Jerome: http://www.queens-view.com/Resources/prophecy.php

http://www.queens-view.com/Resources/prophecy.php

agree, he told them:

Alice: Maybe so, but we're not bad people!

Ben: Then how do you explain why you've been judged and condemned to death?

Austin : [Curious] Who has judged us and condemned us to death?

Dur: Yeah! I don't seem to remember any trial. Er.... Any RECENT trial that is.

Charlie: At any rate, history is full of atrocious miscarriages of justice and wrongful accusations! Just because one often finds one must seek additional office supplies from a supply closet doesn't mean one is having an affair with a broad-shouldered post-doc forced to keep his office hours in said closet due to a roof leakage in the Davison building! One simply MUST have sharp pencils and new notepads to conduct one's research!20

Ben: That would be Clementine, my friend. Either you're gonna be spared [gestures to himself and the other Terries] or you're gonna be judged for your sinful ways. [Drinks some more wine, before turning to Dur] The trial has been running your whole life.

Alice: And still he was innocent? I demand a recount!

Austin : [Sighs, checking his nails casually] Well, I really don't give a dam what Clementine thinks. She is just another tyrant with world domination plans, probably due to some childhood insecurities that she has never managed to overcome.

Patch: [Gets in Austin's face] You shut your god damned mouth, you sonofabitch! You'll give a damn when you die in some horribly gruesome fashion and The Swarm inherits the earth! I'll cut your head off and prop it up on a stake so the rest of the sinners will see what's in store for them!

John: But first, would you mind killing Joe Nunpar for us?

Charlie: We'd be monsters if we didn't mind! A better question would be, are we willing?!

Austin : [Alarmed at Patch] I see, and unfortunately I can also smell. You really should do something about your halitosis, it is most disgusting. [Steps away from Patch. To John] Surely killing is a sin, therefore killing Joe cannot be beneficial with respect to reducing our [does double finger quotes] hypothetical "sin" debt.

Dur: [Shrugs] Hey, you can count me in!

Ben: Sure it's a sin, but if it's a sin committed to stop him from committing an even bigger sin, then it's only a small sin, and if you are willing to commit a small sin in order to stop someone else from committing a big sin, then your big sins will be smaller sins because of it. Our army is at your disposal.

Charlie: Who are you to judge the comparative gravity of sins?

Ben: Hey baby, I'm the leader of The Swarm. Click-click!

Clint: More importantly, he's the leader of a violent faction of religious fanatics, who he's offered to loan to us. I bet we can find a use for thousands of violent religious fanatics, none of whom are all that bright!

*wince* Sorry, I forgot this was restarting so slept in!

Patch: [Gives a stern thumbs up to Clint] That's right!

Alice: Er, can we discuss it?

Ben: Sure, but don't take too long, the rapture, she is a-coming!

Clint: Well then let's go talk about what we could do with their private army!

[The party step off to one side.]

Alice: Maybe we should use them to take all Ben's cool stuff?

Austin : [Stops looking at himself in his pocket mirror. To Alice] What cool stuff? [Looks around]

Alice: All the nice wine, fine cigars, the cheese and that big bucket of money, and not to mention all those pocket mirrors that they've collected from The Swarm.

Austin : [Eyes light up at the mention of pocket mirror] Hmmm, really. [Looks glazed over for a moment] I wonder what atrocities Joe is expected to commit, if he is not stopped?

John: [Who's somehow part of the group huddle] Mainly the incarceration of and violence towards The Swarm. Plus, the general oppression of the entire population.

Austin : So why can we not simply kidnap him, or something like that. All of this killing business is rather unpleasant.

John: Sounds reasonable.

Austin : [Sips his wine, savouring the taste] Hmm, excellent. [To the party] Isn't it a shame that you are all going to die horribly. Visions are so double edged. [Sips his wine] Perhaps you could tell me how each of you are going to die, as I would not want to get to close, so perhaps some indications and pointers could be useful.

Charlie: (Excited, flipping out a notepad) Oh, do tell! And give as much detail as possible!

Alice: We've already told you, Charlie! Honestly, with that notebook of yours, one would think you'd keep better track of things. Now, how do I die?

Colin's afk?

Clint: Okay, focus, guys! We can deal with this after we use the psychotic religious fanatics to destroy HARMA and get me elected president.

John: I think that sounds like a really good idea, Clint. What's the plan? Pay a quick visit to Queens View to scope out the situation and get the lay of the land?

Charlie: (Looking at her notepad) Wait, it says here we agreed to remove Nunpar from HARMA rather than kill him? Haven't we already struck this deal?

Clint: Oh, I guess we did. Well, we couldn't *possibly* change how we do the job, could we? [Mugging furiously]

Austin : [Sipping his wine] What do you suggest Mr Scar, kicking him until he is half dead, then kidnapping him, I suppose. [Rolls his eyes]

Alice: Great plan, Clint! And what do you think will happen then? Some aliens will land in their space-flying-thingama-jig and fly us all away? Because that's a ridiculous plan, Clint, not only because of the astronomical chances against any aliens landing here, but also because of the even more astronomical ones against them knowing or caring about our problems!

Yes, the party pretty much agreed to just remove him!

Clint: Well, I was kinda thinking we could start a war between HARMA and these freaks here, let 'em kill each other off, and then, tada! Instant peace and happiness, plus lots of dead bodies for Dur to eat/practice medicine on. It's the perfect plan!

Alice: [Glares at Clint] I suppose it's better than the plan with the aliens!

Charlie: Ooh, that is rather good. And think of the money we will save, no longer having to pay fines because Dur was caught picking through yet another trash can for moldy uncooked bits of meat!!

Alice: True, but will the ready availability of fresh Swarm members satisfy his lust for rotten meat?

Austin : [Sighs] My my, the party has become rather grim and morose since you had those visions of your deaths. [Sips his wine] Most regrettable. [Ponders] Where about did you see those pocket mirrors?

Alice: Over behind the stacks of loot near Ben.

[There is indeed a stack of nice pocket mirrors, as well as all sorts of knick knacks that people may carry around with them.]

Charlie: Why so many mirrors, I wonder?

Alice: Well, there are fewer mirrors than spoons, so maybe the really question should be why so many spoons?

John: There was a shortage of mirrors, people had to have something to look at their reflection in.

Austin : Not that any of you would want to see your reflections [Smirks. Wanders over to the pile of loot and examines a few items]

Austin is looking for a fine pocket mirror, and a knife and even a

[Before AUSTIN can start checking through the loot, PATCH steps in front of him.]

Patch: Hey! What the hell do you think you're doing, boy?

Clint: [Helpfully.] Don't mind him - he's just indulging in a little self-love [nods, indicating Austin and his reflection]. You get used to it.

Patch: The hell I will! Keep your grubby mitts of this stuff. It's the property of The Swarm.

John: Sounds like you guys should be on your way to Queens View. Someone from The Swarm will contact you once you're there, but be on the lookout, for this is a man so cunning at disguises that he could literally be anyone.

Austin : [Calmly sips his wine] Why, looking for equipment that might be useful in the coming conflict. You may or may not know that I have recently returned from the dead, and therefore I do not currently support my usual choice of weaponryl An inadvisable position to be in prior to combat. [Sighs] If I cannot find that which I need we may be unduly delayed, or if you do not want me to use what I might find here. If you like I shall return the items after our mission, which would be your preference?

Clint: Hey lawyer, maybe you should just let them send you into battle with crappy weapons. Then, when you get crippled as a result, you can sue them, make millions in punitive and compensatory damages, and then let Dur fix you back up!

Patch: [To Austin] That's the biggest crock I've ever heard in my life!

Ben: Patch, be cool. Remember, possessions are just weight that hold our souls back from soaring to heaven. Let him equip himself for the glorious mission ahead. [Drinks some more wine] Just make sure you get a receipt for everything he takes.

Austin : [To Ben] Thank you. [Has a look thought the loot]

Patch: I'm keepin' an eye on you, boy!

[There is a big selection of loot, all of which is mainly small sized personal items, the sort of things that people would have been carrying around with them. Virtually none of it is of any possible use for adventuring.]

Alice: Whoohoo! This is gonna be great!

Austin : [To Patch] Well Terry, you will be please to know that there is nothing of any use or value in this heap of rubbish. [Sighs, wandering over to Alice, sipping his wine] It seems that we may have to go to war unarmed [Frowns].

[Book VII, Act IV, Scene IV. Approaching Queens View. ALICE, AUSTIN, CHARLIE, CLINT, DUR and HARVEY are here, back on the carriage, which is just barely holding together.]

Alice: It doesn't seem like they have much of a plan, does it? I mean, what are we supposed to do with all of those Terries?

Ben: Now you are learning, Austin. These cheap trinkets, these .... devil's playthings. They are worthless. Sacrifice, however, for the greater good, now that's something with value.

[Exit the party.]

Patch: [Claps his hands and laughs gleefully] Haw! For a minute there, I thought they'd find all the hams! I figured covering them with mirrors would stop anyone from looking.

Ben: Clementine works in mysterious ways, Terry.

End of scene

Austin : [Musing] Well, I could get a sedan chair and they could carry me around in it wherever I should choose to go. Keeps one out of the mud.

Colin's still away?

Charlie: Perhaps we haven't been told the real plan!

Alice: I thought we were making up the plan!

Dur: Maybe that IS the plan. Have Austin and the Terries distract Harma while we slip inside and bring the pain? After all, they aren't really looking for Austin... Yet.

Alice: I don't think we've agreed to anything yet! Surely we're just here to see if Charlie's ex can give us some help with this prophecy?

Austin : Indeed. The plan to get the colonel to kill Joe Nunpar was the Swarm's plan, not the colonels. [Checks his nails briefly] Either way, being carried around in sedan chairs is a good idea.

Harvey: By the saints, Private! I'll be damned if I carry you around!

Clint: Bah! I still think my plan of using the Terries to wipe out HARMA and vice versa is the best one.

Alice: Good idea, Clint. Now, where are ALL the HARMA guys?

Clint: Do I have to think of everything? [Shrugs.] Until we figure that out, let's just go talk to Deuce.

Alice: Good idea, Clint!

[The party get to the town gates. Standing here is GEORGE LA FORGE, a HARMA Officer the party clashed with before.]

George: Halt! Who goes there?

Clint: [Looks around at the party.] Who goes where?

George: I have two pens. A green pen that I use to write down the names of people permitted entry, [holds up the pen] sometimes with a little smiley face drawn beside them because they were really nice, and I also have a red pen. I use that one to write down the names of people refused entry. [Puts the green pen in his pocket] Looks like I won't be needing this baby.

Austin : [To George] I don't expect that 'baby' has ever been used, though ironically I also expect that you have spent your entire life longing to use it, longing for someone that you can call a friend. [Coolly] Did your social isolation and loneliness cause you great pain as a child? Perhaps we could be your friends?

George: Pretty much, until my late teens, when I learned to harvest the emptiness in my soul for -- hey! [Drops his head] Why would you want to be my friends?

Austin : [Shrugs] You seem like a nice guy who has just never been given the chance. We are a pretty open minded bunch, easy going, happy go lucky. Maybe you will fit in? If you change your mind, it's no problem, you have nothing to loose.

George: Other than my fanatical devotion to HARMA, the only people who've ever been a family to me.

Alice: Yeah, but they're jerks.

George: True, but, you know -- hey!

Austin : Apart from our bessy mate Joe Nunpar, he's cool. [Checks his nails] We have come round to invite Joe to dinner, perhaps you would like to come too. Sheldon is an excellent chef.

George: That sounds great! I'd love to sit down with Joe, I just know we'll be bessy-ems too. I've tried to spend time with him, and he knows I'm there, you know, I can see the sneaky wave to my position in the tree, or when I'm parked across from his house all night, but actual contact would be just great. He's over there [points into the town] checking out the picket.

Charlie: We know loads of jerks, so you'll hardly miss them!

Alice: [Gestures to Clint] See? He's almost as annoying as HARMA people, just less clean.

Austin : [Smiles] Excellent, well, we just need to invite Joe to dinner and we are all good. I do hope he can make it. [To George] What would be the best way for us to get our message to Joe, I would rather invite him in person, but I fear that he may be rather busy, [Ponders] I'm sure he will take a minute to see us though.

George: I don't really know how to speak to him directly, but I can

tell you a few ways that don't work: building a tree house outside his bedroom, sitting in your carriage outside his house, dressing up as a scary clown and surprising him in the bathroom, posting yourself naked to his house.

Alice: [Goes to say something] Ma-

George: [Continues] Letter writing campaigns, disguising yourself as his paternal grandmother, disguising yourself as his maternal grandmother, hiring a billboard, disguising him as your maternal grandmother. [Thinks] That one almost worked.

ou a few ways that don't work: building a tree20ssing up as a scary clown and surprising him in20aternal grandmother, disguising yourself as his20grandmother. [Thinks] That one almost worked.

Dur: [Arching a brow] All are certainly good ideas, but we were thinking of something a little subtler.

George: Look at all the crazy things I've done to get in contact with him! If none of those worked, surely something more subtle has no chance!

Austin : But how about something so subtle, that you are not even trying to make contact with him, but contact is simply an inevitable consequence, a coincidence, [Pauses] Like coincidentally being invited to the same dinner party! It's perfect.

George: [Doubtfully] I'm not sure, I'm invited to dinner parties every night, and Joe's never invited to any of those.

Alice: Really? I thought you had no friends. Where are all these parties?

George: At home, it's mainly me and my dolls, although sometimes a hungry hedgehog turns up, [whispers] between you and me, I think he's got a drinking problem.

Clint: Yeah, but we'll get invited because we're not total losers with an unhealthy obsession with a psychotic dictator!

George: Oh yeah? Well what DO you have an unhealthy obsession with?

Clint: [Shrugs.] Easy women, fast carriages, cheese, and beating the crap out of the bad guys?

George: Huh. Hm, that sounds much cooler. Well, I suppose you better go in.

[Time passes.]

George: [Rocking back and forth on his feet] Yup, whenever you're ready, just head riiight in.

Charlie: Splendid! [To the group] Let us be off!

[The party head into Queens View, which looks much, much cleaner than before. Right in the centre, on top of the old town park, there is a huge building being constructed. It's difficult to see what it will be, but there are several HARMA flags covering parts of it. The party head towards the building pointed out by GEORGE, it is Moe's Tavern, which was owned and operated by MOE MOE, until his untimely death in Book I. It now has a sign that reads "Chuck's Watering Whole" above it. There is also a smaller sign that reads "Madame Eternuer, NUNPAR, each of whom has a placard, reading "Down with this sort of thing" and "Ah now, come on, in fairness", respectively. They see the Ted: Down with this sort of thing! Dougal Ah now, come on, in fairness!

Ted Nunp= ar

Dougal Nunpar before. Right in the centre, on top of the old20ee what it will be, but there are several HARMA20t by GEORGE, it is Moe's Tavern, which was owned20sign that reads "Chuck's Watering Whole" rs", beside it. There are two HARMA members here,20 sort of thing" and "Ah now, come on, in20Dur:

[Looks confused]
Did you just say, "Come on in?"20

Ted: He certainly did not!

Ted: This is a terrible place! A terrible, terrible place!

Dur: I'm confused as to what exactly is going on here?20

Is Dougal the one we were supposed to kill?

No! That's Joe! The party haven't met either of these before

Charlie: [To Ted, flipping a notebook open and brandishing a pencil] What sorts of things? Alphabetically would be best.

Ted: [Thinks for a moment] Awful things, bad things, crazy things, [gives a little shake] dirrrrty things, evil things, filthy things, gross things, horrible things, icky things. [Pauses for breath]

Dur: Oh good. Sounds like our kind of place then.

Ted: [Waves his sign in front of Dur] No! This isn't good at all! It's awful!

Clint: Well, we'd better investigate in the name of truth and godliness.

Charlie: Yes, and we really should get to the bottom of this dirrrrrtiness!

Ted: [Pushes Clint away with his sign] No! Don't demean yourself, brother!

Clint: [Trying to be clever, and failing miserably.] Uh, have you *seen* who I hang out with?

Charlie: [To Ted] Do stop harassing my colleague! He has every right to demean himself. [To the party] Come, group! Do not be dissuaded by these comically ineffectual signs!

[The pushing and shoving continues, with TED and DOUGAL trying to push the party back. This is momentarily interrupted by loud Mary: Aa-choo!

[Looks down on the pushin' an' a-shovin' down below]

Mary Muc=

Charlie: [Daintily shields her head with a notepad] Thank you, we shall! Would you mind terribly turning your head away when you sneeze? We really can't afford to become ill, given the important work we do.

Austin : [To Mary] Thanks you for your kind words madam, may we come up and speak with you, we have a few questions that you may be able to answer.

thats all from me today, soz. Back Monday!

Mary: Sure you can, honey, just ignore them.

[TED and DOUGAL and various other HARMA members start booing and hissing.]

Ted: Never! Stop them, brothers! They will never cross this threshold.

[Enter DEUCE, clearly from a side exit. He stops when he sees the party and gives a smile.]

Deuce: Hey guys!

The party last saw Deuce in 6.11, when he framed Alice for murder

Charlie: [To Deuce] Ah, Deuce! How wonderful to see you! Could we have a moment with you, in private?

Dur: Or at least help us past these Har-MA-niacs! Ha! Did you see what I did there?!

Deuce: [To Charlie] Sure thing, Puddin' Pop! [Does a finger gun to Alice] Hey there, Pixie Stix, how're you doin'?

Alice: Fine, even though you framed me for murder!

Deuce: [Claps his hands] Great! [To Dur] Yes I did, Doc, and it was a zinger. They've done such awful things, they deserve some bad K-HARMA! [To Charlie] Wanna step into my office?

Dur: I don't think that is the kind of privacy she meant...

Deuce: That's okay, it has a special mirror where people outside can see in!

Dur: Well, in that case, what are we aiting for?

Clint: Probably for a massed attack by a bunch of religious zealots?

Kevin, what are *you* doing up so early on a holiday?

Dur: Oh right. [Looks around expectantly] Wait a second! That sounds more like a reason to get the hell out of here!

I only get a 3 day weekend for Labor Day. Speaking of which, I won't be

Ted: No! Turn back! Once you've crossed the threshold, there's no going back!

Don't you people ever work??

Charlie: [To Ted, eagerly] Why is that? Is there a powerful spell at work?

Alice: And how come Deuce could come out?

Ted: Er, well, it's not really a spell as such, rather more of a turn down a dark and evil road, filled with sin and disease.

Charlie: [Wearily] Yes, I briefly dated Deuce at one stage, so I am well aware of the perils of that road!

Deuce: Yes, life on the road with Deuce, well, what can I say? It's long and hard! [Gives a cheesy grin] Come on guys. [Steps over the threshold, and then steps back] See? You can step out any time!

Charlie: I'll be the judge of that! [To the party] Stand back, group! [Gingerly steps over the threshold, then tests whether or not she can step back over it]

Austin : Did you contract something unpleasant? Or was it multiple 'somethings'.

[CHARLIE easily steps back onto the road again.]

Ted: [Getting frustrated] Look, that's not what I meant! The things they do in there, they're just disgusting!

Charlie: [To Ted, scoffing] It's nothing compared to what Pestil--er, come along, group! Let us go down this road and be rid of this hand-wringer!

Austin : [To Charlie] We are really not at all interested in the disgusting things that you have done with Pestilence, please keep them to yourself. The HARMA have also done many disgusting things, perhaps you could compare note with them, if you much discuss such things.

Charlie: I'm sure I don't know what you mean, as I merely meant to expound upon the dangers of the horrid pestilence [huge exaggerated emphasis on the last letter]-S that ravage our good health and well-being, but there is simply no time for that and we must be going! Do come along, group! [Strides down the road briskly]

[Everyone enters through the back entrance, escorted by DEUCE.]

Alice: I don't know, Aus, some of it sounded preeetty crazy! Especially that-

[ALICE is startled into silence by a deafening sneeze, that scares the bejasus out of the party. The sneezer is SYLVIA SNOT.]

Sylvia: [Very blocked up] Hi Deuce, you're back quick.

Deuce: I couldn't resist you, sweet-cakes.

[The room the party have entered is a foyer, and looks rather like one would expect a brothel to. There are a few women lounging around, all of who appear to have bad colds.]

Sylvia =

Austin : [Holding a handkerchief over his mouth. To Charlie] What a delightful house of pestilence and contagion you have brought us to. Do you often come here?

Charlie: [Glares at Deuce] Do keep your hands to yourself! [To Sylvia] Have you a cold?

Sylvia: [Sounding strangely proud] Yes I do!

Austin : [To Sylvia] You appear to be unusually happy about having a cold, why is that?

Sylvia: Germs mean money!

Deuce: Hey Sylvia, is there a room my friends and I can meet in privately?

Sylvia: Sure, room #13.

Deuce: No, I mean, really privately, not with a bunch of peepholes.

Sylvia: Uh, you could try room #12, there are hardly any peepholes there.

Austin : I assume that you all have interests in the local apothecary. [Frowns] Not a particularly ethical way to increase business, not that ethics have ever been a concern for apothecaries.

Sylvia: I have no interest in apothecaries, they're bad for business. [To Deuce] Want me to hose down a few kittens?

Deuce: Er, that's okay, honey, this is just a business meeting. [Holds open door #12, and speaks to the party] After you!

Charlie: [To Sylvia] You brute! How could you be so cruel?! [To Deuce] Why would she even suggest hosing down precious little kittens??

Sylvia: Yeesh! Prude! [Storms off]

Deuce: [Shrugs] Who knows? I've already told them that colds aren't spread by getting wet, but they still do it.

Charlie: And why are they so keen to get colds?!

Austin : [To Charlie] You really must listen more carefully! It has already been explained that they are contracting colds for financial gain.

Charlie: [To Austin] Yes, but WHY do they believe such nonsense?! What possible incentive could one have for providing renumeration for contracting the common cold?

Deuce: [Taking out a huge cigar] You, Puddin'-Pop, have clearly never experienced the thrill of a beautiful woman sneezing on you. [Goes a little distant and smiles]

Austin : [Grimaces] Eeew! [Rolls his eyes] I thought that it could be something like that. People around here obviously do not get out enough!

Colin's out all week

Charlie: [Quavering] What HAVE you been doing to those precious little dears?!

Deuce: Nothing! They're the ones who sneezed on me!

Alice: You have kittens sneeze on you?

Deuce: There's nothing in the world like it!

Charlie: How vile! Really, you are the MOST disgusting creature I've ever met! [Composes herself and says brightly] Now, we really could use your help on something, Deuce darling!

Austin : [Frowns] Well, that is not really vile or disgusting, but it is certainly weird, and probably very geeky too.

Deuce: Actually, there is a real science to it, my friend. If they're too snotty it's just uncomfortable. [To Charlie] Anything for you, Puddin' Pop, as long as [gives Alice a wink] Pixie Stix here forgives me.

Alice: No way! You can shove it up your ass! I hate you!

Deuce: [Does a finger gun on Alice] Come on, baby, you know it was just so I could get the card, I really love you.

Alice: [Touched] Aw! Of course I forgive you!

Deuce is referring to the Whatever Card.

Dur: You imply that it is ok for you to use people just to get what you want?! [Looks thoughtful] Why didn't I think of that!

Alice: Because you're an idiot.

Austin : Whatever card? That sounds interesting, whatever does it do?

Deuce: It's great! It makes the holder win whatever argument they're involved in. Some punk comes up? Just show him the card, and off he goes, skulking away.

Harvey: The Professor here killed someone for it, and now works for HARMA.

Deuce: In my defence, it was only Wernstrom, and he was an ass, and as for HARMA? Sure, they pay me, but my work ethic is awful. Besides, they're pissed that I frequent this establishment.

Prof.

Clint: Ah, so you work for HARMA the same way I work for the party!

Yeesh, Tom! Work starts nice and late these days!

Clint: Uhh... right. Look, we won't keep you from whatever perverted things you're doing with small defenseless animals, but first, Puddin' Pop here has some questions she needs to ask you. [Pats Charlie on the back.]

Oh, indeed. Also, recovery from the 3-day weekend, plus hello tropical storm, sort of turns it into a 3 1/2 day weekend, which then turns today

into a dear god it's 5:00 and I need to go to sleep. Meh.

Charlie: [Rolling her eyes] How delightful, the two of you are bonding! Mr. Scar, do stop encouraging him and let us get down to business.

Deuce: Excellent! [Starts to unbuckle his belt, but stops, looking a little sheepish] Heh! Sorry about that, force of habit! What can I do for you?

Charlie: [Eagerly] I'd like your take on a translation I've been working on. Quite fascinating! It's a language I've never seen before, though bears some resemblance to known languages.

Dur: [Scratches his head in confusion and whispers to Alice] So wait... He translates with his balls?

Alice: Uh, I doubt it, but I'm pretty sure you do!

Deuce: Sure thing, Puddin' Pop! Lay it on me!

Charlie: [Hands Deuce the message and a notebook] Here is the text I'm trying to translate, and here is the first volume of three containing my notes and thoughts on the possible meanings.

Deuce: [Takes a look] Huh. Looks a bit like Fauxnician or Errormake to me, hm, [looks closely] wow! There are hints of Ancient Geek, Glasgowlithic and even Craptic! Where did you get this from?

Charlie: Incredible, isn't it? [Excited] Can you make out any of the words?!

Deuce: Well, [points the fourth word of the first line] this looks like "beast", as for the others? Well, I think I'll be able to come up with something, but I'll need to consult some books. Can I keep this? [Looks at it] Hey! Who's blood is this?

Charlie: [Cheerily] Well, the good news is it doesn't belong to any of us! [Holds the paper protectively] I would rather keep the document, as I'm sure you can understand. [Awkwardly batting her eyes and stroking Deuce's arm] Surely a man as talented as you can make an educated guess at the translation, hmm?

Deuce: Oh no, Puddin' Pop, a man as talented and educated as me never makes a guess!

Austin : [To Charlie] Perhaps a woman as, erm, er, talented, as you, Pudding, could make Deuce a copy of the document, but with out the blood, naturally.

Deuce: Let's not be so hasty -- after all, we still haven't established who's blood it is!

Clint: [Shrugs.] If you want to call in one of your goons so we can write a copy in blood, I've got no problem with that!

Deuce: They're not my goons, Clint, I only work for them!

Harvey: [To Deuce] By the saints, sir! How can you work for such an organisation as HARMA?

Deuce: Bringing them down from within!

Charlie: [To Deuce] And how are you working to achieve that?

Deuce: For a start, I took their entire party committee budget, which they expected to be able to supply everything for their bland, balloon and peanut parties for the next few years, and blew it in a matter of weeks. [Looks around, as though expecting applause]

Clint: Yeah, that's great. If we ever need to stop their party committee, we'll know just the man for the job!

Deuce: Not only that, but if you ever need advice on how to bring them down, I can probably help. What I wouldn't give to punch that smug git Joe Nunpar in the face.

Charlie: [Delighted] Really?! Perhaps we could team up, after all. You see, we wish to thwart that horrid Joe, though I don't really see knuckles with a ruler?

Austin : [Mildly surprised] Why have you not done that already?

Austin : [Rolls his eyes] Why do you always bring the conversation down with your geeky spanking fetishes? Don't tell me Joe was another

Charlie: Don't be absurd! Who could possibly derive sexual pleasure from a knuckle-rapping?! I only meant to suggest that incapacitation need not be disfiguring in our quest to oust Mr. Nunpar.

Deuce: [To Austin] I haven't punched him in the chops because I don't want to be slung in jail! If you want to do it, be my guest!

Austin : Perhaps all you need a good lawyer. I am sure we could claim adequate grounds for provocation and self-defence.

Deuce: [Gives Austin a look that's a mixture of disgust and pity] Sure, if only lawyering hadn't been made illegal by Nunpar and his cronies.

Austin : [Alarmed] He made justice illegal! This is much worse than I thought [Looks nervous]

Dur: I guess you're in the same boat as the rest of us now Austin!

Charlie: [To Deuce] Perhaps you could work with us for a time? We seem to share some of the same goals, after all. We could work together to discredit Nunpar and bring him to justice.

Deuce: Sure thing, Puddin' Pop! It'll just be like the old days!

Alice: The old days in which you framed me for murder?

Deuce: Well, there was plenty of sex too.

Harvey: By the saints! There'll be no sex!

Dur: I don't think he meant you Colonel.20

Austin : [Deadpan] Thankfully.

Harvey: Oh, [thinks for a moment] well, that's okay then.

Deuce: I don't know, guys, [looks Harvey up and down] rrrooaaarrr! So anyway, we need a plan. Nunpar and those HARMA idiots have made Queens View their base, and their number just keeps increasing. The latest thing they're panicking about is that they think someone in the Realms has an Orb of Generomentis. Yeesh, if they do, I almost pity the poor bastard. At this stage it would take an army to get at Nunpar, and who has that? An army of mindless drones, willing to sacrifice themselves to destroy one man?

Charlie: [Cheerily] Why, we have just such an army! How splendid. What sort of access have you to the HARMA inner circle?

Deuce: Excellent! As long as they're not The Swarm or something crazy like that! [Laughs, but stops and looks at Dur] Hey! Did he get a new haircut?

Austin : What is so bad about an orb of geromitus? What does it do? And what is wrong with the Swarm, appart from their dress sense and painfully limited intelligence?

Deuce: It's a pretty powerful magic item, my friend, especially when it's the only one in existence. You know what some of Jerome's cronies did the last time they got their hands on one?

Alice: [Wearily] Killed a child. I mean -- killed a child?

Deuce: Uh, yeah, they did, even blamed on the good Colonel here. There's not a whole lot wrong with The Swarm that a good lobotomy wouldn't sort out, the problem are their leaders.

Austin : So how would one use an orb of Germoitus? Killing a child hardly requires powerful magic, [Hastely] as far as I know.

Deuce: Actually, it's the other way around, killing the -- [gives Austin a big grin] hey, now, you guys wouldn't happen to know the whereabouts of such an orb, would you?

Austin : [Sighs] Yes, well we were recently in hell and a rather unpleasant Demon there had one. [Looks sad] If only I had one I could bring back my Lucy [Looks teary, blows his nose] That's what they do isn't it, they bring back the dead?

Deuce: Not exactly -- be careful of them, my friend. They give physical form to whatever you most think about. If that's your Lucy, then great. If not, if there's something else you deep down regret, or know you wronged, well, you could be in for a surprise.

Charlie: [To Deuce] How very annoying! Why would anyone bother using such an unpredictable thing?

Clint: Okay, but let's get back to this using our army of mindless drones part of the plan. I *like* that part of the plan!

Deuce: Seriously? You're going to use The Swarm? Sure, they're idiots, but they're innocent! [To Charlie] I don't know, Puddin' Pop, but all the best magic is slightly unreliable, [gives an evil grin] eh? Eh?

Charlie: [Huffily] Oh, and look who suddenly has a moral compass?! This is our best chance to stop HARMA, and I don't hear you suggesting anything better?

Clint: Besides, there's no such thing as innocent. Just ask any lawyer!

Deuce: Woah, woah, waoh. Sorry if I struck a nerve, there, I just don't like to see innocent idiots being hurt.

Alice: You were prepared to hurt me, and I was an innocent idiot!

Deuce: Come on, Pixie Stix! You weren't THAT innocent.

Alice: Fair enough. Hey!

Deuce: I can't. They were all found guilty and thrown in prison!

Austin : Surely those that found them guilty are also lawyers, by definition, and they should therefore put themselves in prison too?

Deuce: No, they were found guilty by senior HARMA members. In general, the less you know about the law, the more likely you are to be a senior HARMA member.

Charlie: How extraordinary! Now, do let us form a plan and no more shilly shallying! [To Deuce] Will you help us, even if we must use The Swarm?

Deuce: That depends on how you want to use them!

Dur: Oh you know... Standard operating procedure. We were thinking about sacrificing them in an all out frontal assault and using their slaughter as a

Alice: Aren't you one of The Swarm, Dur?

Dur: [Scratches his now bald head] Details, Details!

Charlie: [To Dur] Well, we wouldn't have YOU in the fight, of course! You are like our simple-minded pup that didn't get enough oxygen during birth and must be given special care and attention!

Deuce: So, you're prepared to sacrifice a bunch of innocents just to get rid of Nunpar? You always had a ice cold centre, Puddin' Pop, one of the things I liked most about you, in fact, my sugar coated iceberg. How about a compromise? If we can come up with a plan to get rid of the leadership of the swarm while killing off Joe and the upper HARMA guys, I'll help all I can.

Charlie: That all sounds most humane. How might you be able to help us get close to the HARMA inner circle?

Austin : [To Charlie] Why don't you date them all and work your way up to the top, as you usually do? [Ponders] I guess we don't have time for that.

Charlie: Really, Mr. Sleaze! You do seem most preoccupied by the particulars of my private life. It is rather unseemly, I must say. [Helpfully] Perhaps a hobby would better occupy your time? You might find philately most absorbing, for instance. There's lots of sorting and arranging involved to keep your mind focused.

Austin : [To Charlie] Well that is a little ripe after refering to the poor unkempt and pungent Mr Dur, as oxygen starved. And, besides, philately is despeately boring. [Yawns]

Deuce: [To Austin] With a charming attitude like yours, maybe you should consider dating them! [To Charlie] You just leave that to me. Maybe we can tell that idiot Joe that you've captured them?

Charlie: Perhaps! And then we lure him into a dark alley somewhere and [makes a throat-slicing motions] ! [Brightly] Metaphorically, of course!

Austin : [Frowns at Charlie. To Deuce, deadpan] Yes, we are all quite charming.

Deuce: Heh heh! She's a right little heart breaker. Right, why don't you guys head back to the Colonel's house, and, as soon as I have a meeting arranged, I'll contact you.

Austin : [Suspicious] That would be a rather obvious trap, if indeed it were a trap at all. You have already framed Alice for murder, what guarantee do we have that you will not betray us?

Deuce: Common sense, m'boy! HARMA are getting more and more restrictive, so it only makes sense that a fun lovin', ham eatin', sneeze gettin' kind of a guy like me would want them stopped.

Charlie: [To Deuce] How about as a show of good faith you give me the Whatever card? Then everyone can show how much everyone can trust one another, hm?

Dur: That sounds like a good plan! I mean we are all the trustworthy sort, right? [Whispering to Alice] Remind me to never follow HER into any dark alleys!

Austin : [To Charlie, smiling] There is hope for you yet.

Deuce: [Gives a wry smile] Haw! Very nice, Puddin' Pop! You got yourself a deal. I'll drop off the card when I come to meet you in Harvey's house.

Alice: Dur! Dur! Dur! Dur! Dur!

[Everyone turns and looks at ALICE, who whispers loudly to DUR.]

Alice: Don't ever let her follow you into a dark alley!

Dur: [Frowns] Thanks. Also remind me not to whisper to you anymore.

Charlie: [To Deuce] We shall meet you at Harvey's home, then!

Clint: Dur, remember not to... nah. Let's get this show on the road! 'sides, I'm sure Harv wants to visit the ol' ball and chain. She's bound to still be there wondering where the hell he went!

Deuce: [Gives her a wink] I'll have a card, a translation and a plan! [Gives everyone a wave] See you, guys!

[Exit DEUCE.]

Alice: [To the others] Well, do you think we can trust him?

Harvey: By the saints, Private! I'm not entirely sure where she is! When all this business started a few months ago, she took the children and left!

Alice: Left what?

Harvey: A note, saying that she took the children and left.

Alice: Left what?

Harvey: A note.

Austin : [Sighs. To Charlie] There is no hope for you. The reason that you wanted the card in the first place was to ensure that Deuce did not double cross us into setting up a HARMA ambush for us at the colonel's house.

Dur: This could go on all day! Perhaps we should get moving?

Clint: [Nods.] I agree with Dur. I'm sure that Deuce is smart enough to realize that if he double crosses us into a HARMA ambush at Harv's house, we'll get out of it some way and then make it our life's mission to let Dur practice medicine on him.

Alice: Agreed! I bet that deep down, Deuce is a really fundamentally nice guy!

[The party hear the sounds of some commotion outside, and loko out the window to see DEUCE is being harassed by TED and DOUGAL.]

Deuce: [Pulls out the Whatever Card and waves it at Ted and Dougal] Whatever!

[The two step back quietly and let him walk by.]

Alice: Hey!

Clint: Maybe we better get out of here now before those two recover their... uh... senses.

Dur: Perhaps we have reason to doubt Deuce's credibility?

Alice: [Nods at Clint's words] Agreed! Let's get out of here before they block the way again!

Charlie: Perhaps we'd better follow Deuce, rather than go to the Colonel's home, then!

[The party leave the room.]

Alice: Dur! Dur! Dur! Dur! Don't forget, [loudly] I'm not supposed to whisper to you anymore!

End of scene

[Book VII, Act IV, Scene V. Outside "The Watering Whole". ALICE, AUSTIN, CHARLIE, CLINT, DUR and HARVEY are here, having just left through the back exit. They are immediately set upon by TED and DOUGAL, and several other HARMA members, who begin jostling them. Also here is none other than JOE NUNPAR, who now has an eyepatch.]

Joe: More? More reprobates from that House of Disease? Who is it now?

When last they met, Joe had the party imprisoned in The Core, where thealmost certainly would have died if it weren't for Pestilence. Joe cowering and hiding in the jail (in which The Core was).

Dur: No one of any consequence, I assure you of that! Just humble travelers, and trustworthy at that! I mean, if you can't trust a random assortment of travelers such as us, who can you trust?

Austin : [To Dur, dryly] That would be so much more convincing if it were not so smothered in self-doubt and desperate hopefulness.

Joe: [Lets out a gasp of horror] Look! It's them! [Falls to his knees and shakes his fist in the air] Queens-vieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeew! [Adds quickly] Party.

Harvey: Indeed, Private Sleaze. Nunpar certainly doesn't seem to be the strategic genius we feared.

Joe: [Leaps to his feet] You scoundrels! How dare you show your faces here!

Charlie: Oh, we do dare! Surrender at once, and no immediate or permanent harm will likely come to you, depending upon your behavior!

Austin : [Deadpan] Good Charlie, good, threaten them in their own base. Let them know who is in charge. Do you remember that the last time we met Joe he tried to murder us?

Charlie: [To Austin, exasperated] Well, do jump in if you should like to take over the leadership role of this group, Mr. Sleaze! [Steps back and concedes the floor to Austin]

Austin : [Laughs] Why should I want to take over the leadership role of this group when the colonel is doing a perfectly good job of it.

Harvey: [Looks around, startled] By the saints! We appear to be in Queens View!

Joe: [Points at the party] Arrest them immediately!

Charlie: [To Austin] Just as I suspected! [Steps forward again. To Joe] Not so fast! We are in control of The Swarm, so you'd be wise to cooperate with us at once.

Joe: In charge of The Swarm? Liars! As if the charge of murder wasn't enough, you now make it worse by lying?

Alice: What? Lying is worse than murder?

Dur: [Steps timidly to the front] It's not lieing if they are crazy, Joe. [Points at Charlie and swirls his finger by his head illustrating] We are indeed here in control of the main force of the Swarm's army. As you can see [points to his bald head] I have infiltrated the organization. I am ready to talk over terms for their immediate arrest by HARMA, but I will only negotiate with you directly and privately.

Joe: Huh. I thought you were supposed to be an idiot?

Dur: Just as they were. [Flicks his head back at the party] I have found it dismally easy to do so. Honestly who in their right MINDS would believe I could pass as a medical doctor?! [Laughs loudly]

Alice: [Laughing along, but then stops] A doctor? I thought he was supposed to be a chimney sweep!

Harvey: [To Joe] You there! Who are we supposed to have murdered?

Joe: That young girl, Rachel!

[Just then, a police carriage drives by with MELODY in the back. She calls out to the party.]

Melody: Losers! Behold, Melody the Murderer of Rachel!

Dur: Excellent! Now that that unpleasant matter is settled, I believe we can begin negotiations? Your place or ours' Mr. Nunpar? [Beams confidently an

d tries to secretly cast Enthrall: http://www.dandwiki.com/wiki/SRD:Enthrall]

Joe: Er, I suppose mine? Uh, who are you?

Austin : [To Joe] I would retract that question, before you are sorely disappointed.

Dur: [Softly to Austin through the gritted teeth of his wide smile] Don't mess with the mojo lawyer! [To Joe] Does that really matter [Gives him two thumbs up]?

Alice: Aw, come on, Aus! That's not fair! Wait until Dur tells him about his... uh, about the time he... Hm. Good idea, Aus!

Charlie: [To Joe] What about this woman's startling confession that utterly clears us of anything wrong-doing? [Points to Melody]

Clint: [Dials for 'in charge' voice and turns to Ted and Dougal.] You two, after her! She's a murderer! Down with that sort of thing!

Austin : [Watching Melody] Ahh, she is the one on all of those wanted posters. Melody was her name, I believe.

Joe: [Glares at Austin] Yes, I remember.

Dougal: [To Joe] Dad! Don't you see what's happ-

Joe: [Holds a hand up] Silence! I must negotiate with the leaders of The Swarm in private.

Austin : Excellent, we can escort you to the reverend William, and have a glass of wine or two whilst you two catch up on old times.

Joe: William? Who's William? You people are the leaders!

Charlie: Indeed, and we must take this meeting to a more secure location at once!

Dur: Indeed! You never know who is listening!

Alice: Hm? What?

Joe: Of course! Let's go to my house -- it's very secure, and there are plenty of guards there, ready to leap into action.

Dur: Excellent! In that case, you should send them to get us all a spot of tea?

Austin : Hmm, yes, tea and cakes would be jolly pleasant. I believe that Colonel Nunpar is an excellent chef.

Joe: Great! That's settled then! We'll be nice and safe with those guards who are all familiar with Protocol Delta Gamma Joe 4.

[JOE starts heading towards what used to be the mayor's house.]

Alice: Yay! This is gonna be nice and easy!

Charlie: [To Joe] And what is Protocol Delta Gamma Joe 4?

Joe: Oh, just about making tea and cakes. Come on, gang!

Charlie: How very interesting. But I'm afraid we shall have to find another, considerably more neutral, place to conduct business. Perhaps somewhere in the woods, where one can feel the wind on one's face and hear the birds singing, and so forth.

Joe: No, no, I wouldn't hear of it, after all, how could I serve you tea?

Charlie: [With a stern look at Harvey and Dur] We shall do without.

Joe: [Firmly] No, I insist.

Austin : [To Joe, graciously] Well, we must decline. I am afraid that Protocol Delta Gamma Joe 4 sounds rather like a preplanned trap. You must forgive our suspiciousness, but if we were otherwise, then we would not be of interest to you in the first instance or any other, notwithstanding purely social events, of course. [Checks his nails briefly. To the party] Perhaps we should instigate our G.T.B. and G.T.F.O.O.H. plans?

Joe: [Narrows his eyes] Why would I set a trap for you? It's not like any one of you illegally cast a spell, is it?

Clint: [Indicating the party.] Oh, c'mon! [Laughs heartily.] Do any of us look smart enough to do that?

Joe: Sure. Just not smart enough to do it successfully.

Dur: [Chuckles Nervously] Of course not! [Glares at the party] We are far from picky, I think your place will be perfect, so long as all of us are the only ones in the room during negotiations. You must allow us at least that much security, yes?

Austin : [Chuckles] Come now, we are all adults here, and we do not play games pretending to be wizards or witches. That is for children and fairy tales. [Rolls his eyes]

Clint: See, nothing to worry about there! So take us to a room full of tea and scones and crap like that, but empty of guards so we can speak freely, and we'll be out of each other's hair in no time! [Glances at Dur.] You know what I mean.

Joe: [Calls to Dougal] Execute Protocol Alpha Beta Joe 3!

[DOUGAL drops his pants.]

Joe: No! That's Protocol Beta Alpha Joe 3! [Calls out] Arrest them! Arrest them all!

Dur: Me thinks the jig is up! Execute protocol "Get The Hell Out"! [Takes a moment to pull a dagger and tries to throw it at Joe]

Clint: Right! Lead the way, doc! I'll be along in a minute! [Cracks his knuckles and tries to grab Ted so he can throw him into Dougal.]

Alice: Which protocol is "Get the hell out"?

[DUR throws the dagger at JOE, who ducks just in time, but CLINT successfully pushes TED back into DOUGAL.]

Harvey: Follow me, troop! I know this place like the back of my hand! [Dashes down side street]

Dur: [Aside to Clint as he sets off after Harvey] I don't know if we should be thankful that he knows a way out or concerned with his apparent familiarity with the back of his hand. [Louder so Harvey can hear] Honestly Colonel, You could go blind if you keep that up! And that is my medical opinion!

Austin : [Following Harvey swiftly] I was under the impression that this was a dead end, if memory serves me correctly!

Harvey: Don't be ridiculous, Private! This leads to [checks the back of his hand] some sort wart!

[Of course, the party almost immediately come to a dead end. There are two doors, one on either side, and some windows overlooking the alley.]

Charlie: [Quickly tries the door on the left] Perhaps in here?

Austin : [Quickly tries the door on the right] Or in here?

[Oh no! Both are locked.]

Harvey: Gah! [Checks his hand again before looking up] Can anyone see a button?

[The window above the right door opens, and DEUCE looks out.]

Deuce: Hey! I'm trying to do a translation in here! [Spots the party] Oh, hi guys. What's up?

Charlie: Let us in! We'll explain once we're inside.

Deuce: For you, Puddin' Pop, of course! [Drops a set of keys out the window]

Austin : [Deftly catches the keys and tries to open the door] What a charming fellow.

Alice: Huh. He'd do it for me too, wouldn't you, Deucie?

Deuce: Sure, uh, Alyssa, anything for you.

[AUSTIN quickly unlocks the door.]

Gone for the weekend! Have a good one, everybody!

Alice: Come on! Let's get in! --Apple-Mail-1--418569084

Charlie: [Dashes inside] Come along, group!

[Everyone dashes in, and slam the door behind them. They find themselves in a plush sitting room that is a real mess, covered in papers and ham.]

Alice: Looks like Deuce's house alright!

Austin : [Ducks inside] I really do not get good feelings about the way this is going.

Harvey : [Sniffs] Certainly does smell like it! The smell of rotting swine flesh is most prevalent, what!

[Enter DEUCE coming down the stairs.]

Deuce: [Laughs at Harvey] At least it's better than the smell

Charlie: [To Deuce] All sorts of unexpected things have been happening, so we really must have the Whatever card a bit ahead of schedule. [Holds her hand out]

Deuce: Sorry, Puddin' Pop, don't have it!

[There's suddenly a tremendous hammering on the door, and DOUGAL's voice can be heard from outside.]

Dougal: Hey! Let us in!

Charlie: So you say, but we SAW you use it. How could you lie to me, Deuce?

Deuce: Oh, come on, it's not like it's the first time!

Dougal: Let us in! Let us in or we'll break the door down!

Austin : [To Deuce, concerned] How strong is that door?

Harvey : [Starts piling hams up against the door]

Deuce: Hang on, Harvey, I'll look after this. [Aside to Austin] Not strong enough!

[DEUCE opens the door.]

Dougal: You're harbouring known criminals! Let us in or feel the full force of the law!

Deuce: [Waves a card at Dougal] Whatever. [Slams the door, before turning back to the party] Hey look, there's still some meat left on one of those hams!

Austin : [Green with envy at the card] My, my, that is a rather useful item. Do you know if or where the rest of that deck of cards might be?

Deuce: Sorry, Austin, but this baby is one of a kind!

Dur: It certainly would make things a lot easier for us...

Deuce: I'm sure it would. [Pockets the card] Here, have a ham to make up for it.

Dur: [Looks from Deuce's pocket with the Whatever card to the ham and back again before shrugging] Meh, I can make due with a ham. [Digs in with gusto!]

Clint: [Tucks into same ham.] Right. Once we finish lunch, how do you wanna play this? Maybe we could disguise ourselves as some of these HARMA freaks and try again?

Charlie: I think instead Deuce will loan me the Whatever card, and we won't need disguises!

Austin : [Casually checking his nails] Why, Mr Scar, you are a glutton for punishment. [To the others] We should make good our escape and return with an army of Terries, and release this town from it's tyrannical leader.

awa hame

Clint: Yes! I *told* you we should just use the Swarm to crush HARMA and vice versa!

Deuce: Uh, really, Puddin' Pop? Are you sure you wouldn't prefer to get a disguise?

Harvey : Well certainly, this card of yours would be far more beneficial, what!

Clint: Hey, I'm fine either way. Just seems a pity to have an army of deranged fanatics and not put them to work!

Charlie: [Takes the card] Yoink! [Brandishes the card impressively] Thank you, Deuce, for finally doing what you promised you'd do! Now, group, let us be on our way!

Deuce: [Reluctantly handing over the card] They may be deranged fanatics, but they're people too. Just get the leaders here and we can do it without bloodshed. Well, without too much.20

Austin : [Looks doubtfully at Charlie] Do not loose that card whatever you do!

Charlie: [Makes an elaborately fake move, pretending to be in the process of using the card] What-[nearly drops the card and scrambles to keep it in a most undignified manner]. [Clearing her throat] Er, right, I'll tuck that away safely, then [neatly pockets the card in an interior suit pocket and pats it].

Austin : [To Charlie] Perhaps you should practice that before someone more dexterous relieves you of it. It would be [looks frightened] simply terrible if it were to fall into the wrong hands.

Alice: Maybe I should look after it?

[Everyone, including ALICE laughs at this.]

Alice: [Suddenly stops laughing] Hey!

Deuce: Who wants to know what your favourite translator has come up with?

Austin : [Looks nevously at his feet for a moment] I would. Does it contain the phrase 'from within it consumes?'.

Deuce: As a matter of fact, it doesn't! I wasn't able to translate all of it, but here's what I've got. [Holds up a piece of paper that he reads from] The first line is something like "the child of the tree that has no thorns will be eaten by the beast", the second is "The Lady's Progeny something guardian".

;;; There are three lines:

The Prophecy

Harvey : Sounds like a bunch of mumbo jumbo, what!

Deuce: There's both mumbo and jumbo in there, Harvey. I don't even know what language it is, it just seems related to some ancient ones. I'm missing some parts from the third line too, all I have is that the people referred to in the second line will somehow create a ghost of something, by destroying something that can fly.

Austin : Hmmm, are those somethings the same somethings or different somethings?

Deuce: All different. I'll tidy it up for you in a while so you can see which ones I didn't translate, but be warned, there's not a one to one relationship between the words and our language.

Charlie: [Delighted] Thank you, Deuce, that is most interesting! I don't suppose you have any theories as to what the various bits refer to? The Lady? The tree with no thorns? Anything ring any bells for you?

Dur: Any ideas on where we can learn more? They sound maybe like religious writings, maybe we can check with a local sect...

Deuce: Sorry, guys, that's all I have. Without more context, I wouldn't have a clue who the lady could be. [To Dur] Not locally, that's for sure. I'll dig out a few other sources while you go get the leaders of the Swarm.

Harvey : That sounds like a plan to me troop!

Austin : Indeed colonel, shell we move out?

Alice: [Nods] Good idea. Why don't we go to Harvey's house? We can make our plan there.

Dur: What's this 'plan' device you speak of [scratching his head confusedly]?

Alice: It's a way of ditching you!

Charlie: [To Alice, scolding] Don't tell him that! You remember the nightmares he had the last time you fed his abandonment anxiety!

Alice: Sure I do, that's why I said it!

Austin : Settle down now, please ladies. This is no time for a cat fight. I am sure there will be plenty of time for that later.

Dur: Hopefully when we can obtain a mud pit and some popcorn.

Harvey : [Hopefully] You have popcorn?

Austin : [Smoothly, firmly] Gentlemen, please, focus, we were about to launch a counteroffensive to free our beloved Queens View from the clutches of the vile HARMA.

Deuce: Alas, Harvey, not any more, not since Jas-- uh, Jason was over.

Clint: [Shudders.] Just keep Joe and the Terries away from that mudpit!

Deuce: Sorry, Clint, but the rule is anyone who takes their pants off can get in.

[Exit ALL except DEUCE.]

Deuce: Sorry, Clint, but the rule is anyone who takes their pants off can get in.

[Exit ALL except DEUCE.]

[Book VII, Act IV, Scene VI. Harvey's House. ALICE, AUSTIN, CHARLIE, CLINT, DUR and HARVEY are here. The trip from DEUCE's house passed without incident, although there are clearly a lot of HARMA officers here.]

Alice: Luckily for you lot, I still have my key! [Tries her key in the door] Hey! It doesn't work!

Austin : Allow me [Tries to pick the lock, covertly]

Charlie: [Helpfully provides blocking for Austin] Let me know if I'm in your light!

[AUSTIN fiddles with the lock, making all sorts of sighing sounds, but seems to be getting somewhere. Enter TED NUNPAR.]

Ted: Hey! There you are! What are you doing?

Austin : [Casually to Ted, checking his nails briefly] I do believe that it is none of your business, please be on your way. You are giving the neighbourhood a bad look, not to mention your unwanted odour. [To Charlie] I think this one is yours, try the card [Smiles, clicks open the lock and opens the door].

Ted: On the contrary, I believe it is very much my business! I thought I told you to-

Heather's AFK for a while

[TED's head drops, and he turns and walks off.]

Austin : Whatever. [Sighs, holding the door open for Alice and Charlie] Would either of the ladies present care to come inside?

Alice: Why thank you, Mister Sleaze. What a pleasant change it is to see a gentleman!

[Enter ALL. The house looks lived in, but is clean. JASMINE, HARVEY's wife, was last seen months ago, leaving Queens View because it was too dangerous.]

Austin :[Closes the door behind the party, and bolts/deadlocks the door if there is one] Ahh, this almost feels like home.

[AUSTIN bolts the door.]

Alice: Huh. Looks like someone is expecting to be ill? [Points to a huge stack of tissues]

Charlie: [Giddily] That was positively delightful! I can only hope we shall soon be accosted again so that I may once more wield the power of Whatever!

Alice: Oh, God, now she's going to be completely unbearable!

Kevin's out for a week

Austin : [Whilst checking his hair in a mirror] But you liked being accosted even before you had the card! [Smirks]

Austin : [Sighs] Well, it does seem that getting the SWARM to anihilate themselves and the HARMA solves three problems in one go. [Grimaces at the yucky hams] Mr Dur, those hams had been on Deuce's floor for weeks.

Dur: [Taking a bite of one of the hams, clearly swallowing some disgusting looking floor fluff as he does] That's DOCTOR Dur!

Alice: But do we really want to just kill off all The Swarm? I mean, I know they're idiots, but is that a reason to kill them? That guy John didn't seem so bad.

Austin : [To Alice] The HARMA are also idiots. It would be better if no one died, and I don't think that you need to worry about some guy called John. Look on the bright side, Mr Dur might get killed in the foray, a fourth problem solved!

Clint: Hey! Doc's not a problem, just an embarrassment! 'sides, who else can we use to threaten people with being part of a medical experiment?

Dur: [Nods, wiping a tear from his eye] That's just what my mother used to say!

Alice: I think we need a plan -- a proper plan, with charts and maps and things. How are we going to get just the leaders to come in?

Clint: How about we lie? It's always worked so well for us in the past! Like, we tell them that we've found something in HARMA headquarters that we think only they should see, or something like that.

Harvey : [Looks around the room] By the saints, my house seems remarkably clean for somewhere left vacant months ago, what!

Alice: Lie? You mean, just make up something to get them in here under false pretences? I like it! Now, what do we tell them is here?

Harvey : A copious amount of free food and drink usually does the trick, what!

Clint: No good. [Glances at Dur.] They'd never believe it!

Alice: Huh, well, the leaders really seem to like shiny objects and fine wine. Maybe we could use that against them?

Harvey : Shiny food? You mean like those pyramidical stacked shining golden balls of chocolate you get at ambassadors receptions, dear niece?

Austin :Do we really need to lure the leaders anywhere? If their armies have been destroyed they will be powerless. We can grab Joe ourselves, surely.

Charlie: Certainly, with the help of our new toy! [Pats the Whatever card] Let's go nab Joe, group!

Harvey : Onwards and Joewards, troop!

Alice: Huh. That's a nice simple plan. So simple that not even the teeniest, tiniest thing could possibly go wrong.

[Exit the party, heading towards JOE's house.]

Charlie: [To Alice] Precisely, the beauty is in the simplicity! Stay alert, group!

[Enter GEORGE LAFORGE, stepping in front of the party.]

George: Halt! Who goes there?

Charlie: [Waves the Whatever card impressively] Whatever!

George: Oh. [Head drops]

[Exit GEORGE, head hanging, with the Charlie Brown Christmas song playing in the background.]

Clint: Be careful with that thing, Sarge! Be a shame if you dropped it just to get us past some minor flunky who was just *begging* to get his ass kicked!

Charlie: No doubt you will have ample opportunity for violence at some stage, Mr. Scar! For the time being, let us try and move as quickly as we can.

[The party get to the door without seeing anyone.]

Alice: This is great! They're never gonna catch us! [Pulls open the door, only to see Dougal there, clearly about to leave]

Dougal: Hey! What are you doing here?

Clint: Waiting for an opportunity for violence?

Harvey : And what are you doing here, I might add?

Dougal: I live here!

Charlie: [Brightly] How fascinating! [Waves the Whatever card at Dougal] Whatever!

[DOUGAL drops his head and turns around, walking away, back into the house.]

Alice: Wow! That's really cool! Can I have a go? Can I? Huh? Huh? Can I?

Charlie: [Laughs and waves the card at Alice] Whatever!

Austin : [To Charlie] Hey! You should be ashamed of yourself. You are not supposed to use it on the rest of the party, that is most out of order! Poor Alice! [Gives Alice a hug]

[ALICE drops her head as AUSTIN hugs her.]

Dur: Do me! Do me! It's been ages since I had a hug!

Charlie: [To Alice, guiltily pocketing the card] So sorry, dear! I did get a bit carried away there, though in fairness you WERE being rather irritating, true?

Alice: [Sulkily] I suppose. [Brightens up] You know what would make me feel better?

Charlie: [Hopefully, protectively putting her hand on the pocket containing the card] A jolly sing-along?

Austin : [Indignantly] That is hardly the point. Your frivolous use of that rather powerful magic card cannot be good.

Alice: [Makes to say something, but thinks better of it] Would it be a bawdy, raucous song about a something like a woman who had a very big hat and the things she used to do with that?

Charlie: [Nods eagerly] Precisely what I had in mind! Let us sing as we continue on our way. [Cheerily singing off-key, clearly making it up as she goes along] I knew a lady, and that's a fact. Her most prominent feature was her rather large hat--[to Alice] Do join in! Isn't this fun??

Alice: [Also singing off key] There was a thing she used to do with that, that involved a really fine cat. [Stops suddenly] Hey, if I recovered that quickly from the Whatever Card, maybe the others we've used it on have also recovered?

Austin : It may even need to rest to regain its power. [To Charlie] You may have exhausted it for today!

Dur: And I never even got my huge!

Alice: Your what?

Dur: Sorry, I meant I never got my hug.

Harvey : What on earth did that fellow mean by saying he lives here? How very dare he!

Alice: Maybe he's Joe's son?

Charlie: [To Harvey, gently] Er, Colonel, we aren't at your house anymore, as you may have noticed?

Austin : [Deadpan] Well, as much as I enjoy tone deaf choruses as the the next stone dead corpse, we really should be getting on with this. [Steps inside the house] Shall we?

Dur: [Nods] There may be food.

[The party enter the house, which is somewhat familiar to ALICE, HARVEY, CLINT and AUSTIN. There are a number of doors here, including a large set of ornate double doors.]

Alice: [Points at a closed (single) door] I'm pretty sure that's some sort of reception room.

[ALICE opens the door, which turns out to be to a closet, and, along with the rest of the party, is covered in an impossibly large number of garish clown suits.]

Austin : I wonder what on earth they use these for. [Holds one up frowning] Perhaps I'd rather not know. [Grimaces at the garment and drops it to the floor]

[The double doors open. Enter JOE and several HARMA Officers.]

Joe: Hey! What the hell is going on here?

Austin : Awww, someone needs a hug [Tries to give Joe a big hug]

Clint: What he needs is a show from the greatest show on earth! [Nudges Dur towards the clown suits, whispering hasty instructions about "terrified of clowns" and "evil red noses" and so on.]

Dur: [Listens to Clint] Really? Huh. [Starts to scream] Help! Help! I'm terrified of clown suits and evil red noses!

Joe: [Pushes Austin away] Get the hell away from me!

Charlie: [To Joe] Do behave, and come with us, immediately and without whining. [To Clint] Assist Mr. Nunpar if needed.

Harvey : [Attempts to sidestep the pushed Austin]

[HARVEY avoids AUSTIN with surprising grace and dexterity.]

Joe: I'll do no such thing! Get the hell out of my house!

Austin : [Stumbles but keeps his feet. Straightens up and checks his hair in his pocket mirror] Well, someone certainly got out of the wrong side of be this morning.

Joe: There is no wrong side -- I own both of them! [Calls out] Guards! Help!

Clint: [Goes to bop Joe over the head.] Shaddup, you! The... uh... lady asked you to come with us without whining!

Harvey : Or shouting! Definitely no shouting, what! [Attempts a flying tackle at Joe]

Charlie: [Menacingly, in a low voice] Unless you want to bring the full fury of The Swarm [nods at Dur] upon you, you will be quiet, and you will come with us immediately.

[HARVEY crashes into JOE, knocking him to the ground, just as dozens of HARMA officers start pouring out from other rooms.]

Alice: Holy crap! I think all of HARMA are here! Let's get the hell out of here!

Austin : [To Charlie, in disbelief] Why did you not use the card?

Charlie: [To Austin] We want him to come WITH us, not leave! [Whips out the Whatever card and starts Whatevering as many HARMA toadies as she can to clear an escape path for the party] Grab Joe and follow me, group!!

[CHARLIE whatevers the oncoming HARMA members, all of whom turn away, but they are recovering quickly, and soon the party will engulfed.]

Joe: [Runs into his room, laughing] They'll never find me in here! [Slams the door after him]

Austin : [Hurrys after Joe] He is getting away! Hurry! [Tries to open the door and follow Joe]

[Oh no! The door is locked.]

Alice: [Throws a clown mask at the onrushing HARMA officers, which bounces harmlessly off] Quick! Get the door open! We'll never get passed them!

Austin : [Tries to pick the lock] Defend me!

Alice: I think Austin is really nice, and even though sometimes he might sound like he's being overly critical, it's simply him trying to get the party to work together as a cohesive unit. [Gives Austin a big smile and two thumbs up]

Austin : [To Alice] Thanks Alice, that's just perfect! [Continues trying to pick the lock]

[Click! The lock opens, and the party dash in, slamming the door behind them. It is a bedroom that looks like a fairy tale threw up in it: it is covered in frothy pink frills and tiny ornaments of unicorns and princesses. There's no sign of JOE, although there are plenty of cupboards. The room is on the ground floor, so a window escape is possible.]

Alice: Wow! This place is great!

[The HARMA officers outside immediately begin hammering on the door.]

Austin : [Stares around the room] It looks as though Joe kicks with the left foot. Either that or he is a bigtime transvestite [Focuses again, tries to jam the door with a chair] Help me barricade the door!

Alice: Yeesh! So the guy likes pink? So what?

Dur: [Putting a chair up against the door, which is immediately split by an axe] Eeek! [Points at the window] Let's get out of here!

Austin : We should search for Joe [Frantically opens some cupboards] Or torch the place! Smoke him out! [To the party] Does anyone have a light?

[AUSTIN flings open one of the closets, but it is Joeless. The door easily splits, and if the party stay any longer, they will surely be captured.]

Dur: [Panicky] We're all gonna die!

Austin : [Runs for the window, tries to open it and get out] Let's get out of here!

Harvey : Indeed, time for a strategic withdrawal! [Attempts to push a cupboard against the door]

Charlie: [Tries to help Harvey bar the door with the cupboard] How dreadful! Nothing is working as planned!

Dur: Coming through!

[AUSTIN leaps out the window, followed closely by DUR. Unfortunately, the cupboard is too heavy for HARVEY, but there is time for everyone to get out.]

Alice: [Helping herself to some unicorns] Just a sec!

Clint: [Eyes alight.] Quick, let's burn the house down! That'll smoke 'im out!

Harvey : No time private, no time! Come troop, strategically withdraw yourself through the window! [Turns to Alice] No time for those dear niece, go go go!

Clint: I'll bring up the rear! [Looks around.] Which, in a room like this, is a dangerous thing to say!

Alice: [Grabs one of the unicorns as she runs, but drops it] Oh no! Princess Fluffikins! Fly, Princess! Fly!

[Crash. PRINCESS FLUFFIKINS smashes to pieces as ALICE leaps out.]

Austin : [Watches the unicorn smash] Well, at least we have achieved some good today.

Charlie: I quite agree! It's a travesty. A unicorn should be named something like Princess Eunice Van Hornington, emphasizing the horn rather than its tail. Honestly! [Goes to jump out the window]

Alice: No way! That might the kind of name that a uniporn might have, but not a proper unicorn!

Dur: Forget that! Where the hell are we going to go?

Harvey : Find some cover and fast!

Austin : [Looks around frantically for a good escape or cover] We should have brought the Swarm!

Alice: Let's go to Harvey's house, they'll never think of looking for us there!

Charlie: Surely Harvey's house is the first place they'd look for us!

Alice: Where else then? The only other places we've been have been that sneezy brothel and Deuce's place!

Dur: What?! I thought the sneezy brothel WAS Deuce's place...

Dougal: [Shouting from the window] There they are! [Calls to someone inside] Get a ladder!

Alice: Make up your mind! It's only a matter of time before they realise they're on the ground floor!

Austin : Well let's go to Deuce's place then!

Clint: [Strangely pleased.] Didn't I say we should make use of our army of highly motivated sociopaths? Didn't I? [Looks around.] I think we should break in to someone else's house. No sense in bringing Deuce into any this when we don't have to!

I don't suppose we *Happen* to know where Dougal lives?

[Exit the party.]

Dougal: [Calling back in] Where the hell is that ladder? [Looks out] Hey! We're on the ground floor! We don't need a ladder at all!

;; End of scene

In Joe's house!

[Book VII, Act IV, Scene VII. An alleyway near DEUCE's house. ALICE, AUSTIN, CHARLIE, CLINT, DUR, and HARVEY are here, having given the others the slip.]

[To Dur] No offence.

In Joe's house!

[Book VII, Act IV, Scene VII. An alleyway near DEUCE's house. ALICE, AUSTIN, CHARLIE, CLINT, DUR, and HARVEY are here, having given the others the slip.]

[To Dur] No offence.

Clint: [Shrugs.] I dunno, Bimbo, don't we have to stop both eventually? 'sides, if it's them or us, it's us! But if anyone's got a better plan that doesn't involve getting us killed, I'm all ears!

Alice: We need to stop HARMA, but the Swarm aren't really doing any harm to anyone, other than themselves, through their leaders. Hey, what we need is to get the leaders of the Swarm to kill Joe!

Dur: Give up this heroing crap and run like hell?

Clint: Great idea, Bimbo! Let's go back to the guys who want us to kill Joe and convince them to do it for us! [Pauses.] So now what? We seem to be safe for the moment.

Charlie: I suppose we'd better move quickly to find the Swarm leaders, before we're discovered.

Harvey : Agreed! In fact, we must both find the Swarm leaders, and Joe!

Clint: Then we... what, sit them down and make them talk over their differences? Lock them in a room and throw away the key? Maybe both at once?

Austin : Why Mr Scar, there is hope for you yet. Possibly [Checks his nails casually]

Alice: Hey, that's a great idea! [Starts heading to Deuce's house] What we need is some way of either smuggling the leaders into the town, or getting Joe out. [Thinks] Getting him out didn't work so well the first time, though.

Charlie: Perhaps the clown masks would come in handy?

Austin : Although Joe is already in the closet. Perhaps we could put the leaders of the Swarm in there with him and lock the closet door. [Ponder] Although they did want the colonel to dispose of Joe personally, and I think that could propel the colonel along the Path somewhat.

Alice: Clown masks are always handy! [To Austin] That's not a bad idea, but how do we get them into the town? It's like that story, you know, the Wooden Horse of Roy, where the Geeks who were trying to get into a town called Roy built a wooden animal, I think it may have been a unicorn, and hid inside it. It turned out that Roy hated unicorns and burned it to the ground, killing all the geeks. [Thinks for a moment] What was the question?

[The party arrive at DEUCE's house.]

Harvey : [Knocks on the door loudly] I say there, open up what!

[The door is opened by DEUCE.]

Deuce: Oh, hey guys. Got the leaders of The Swarm?

Dur: Not yet, but I think there was mention of smuggling them into town in a giant wooden unicorn.

Austin : A unicorn that may have a name in keeping with the tactile features of it's main and tail, or possibly more in keeping with the prowess of it's horn. [Glances from Alice to Charlie. Sighs] Hopefully neither.

Alice: Everyone knows that the magic of a unicorn is in his tail!

Deuce: [Letting the party in] Not a bad idea, especially given Joe's love of them. He might even bring it into his fabled safe room.

Austin : [To Deuce] You mean his room full of toy unicorns, pink tiaras and the like?

Deuce: No! It's a room beneath the house, that's supposed to be filled with golden unicorns. Normally Joe and HARMA hate anything showy or pretty, but he keeps all the golden unicorns to himself.

Alice: Huh, so, Joe would want the unicorn in there, and the Swarm leaders, who seem to love collecting loot and treasure, would want to get in there to get the cash? [Looks around at the party] Is anyone else thinking what I'm thinking?

Austin : I doubt that very much, but do share you thoughts with us, just in case [Smiles]

Alice: I'm thinking that if Joe and the Swarm leaders killed each other, we'd get to keep all those unicorns!

Dur: Indeed! [Licks his lips] I understand that unicorn meat is very filling!

Austin : I see. Yes. [Checks the shine on his shoes] Well personally I feel that the real failure here exists at a middle management level. As usual.

Alice: So, uh, are you a middle manager, Aus?

Clint: Which brings up a good question... Say we get rid of the leaders of HARMA and the Swarm, what's to stop the middle managers from taking over? Other than general incompetence, I mean!

Harvey : That's usually the way of the world though, private. The bad are replaced by those who are even worse! [Scratches at a sideburn] It is my guess that the entrance to this secret room is hidden in one of those cupboards!

Clint: I bet it's under the flooring somehow! [Nods sagely.] Surveys say that secret rooms are either in cupboards, behind bookcases, or hidden under rugs.

Deuce: There is no middle management with the Swarm, just the top level and the baldies. WIth HARMA, there is so much middle management that they'll tear themselves apart without Joe's iron grip!

Charlie: Splendid! Now, if we could only find this secret room of golden unicorns!

Alice: I know how to find it! We get Joe to show us!

Harvey : [Full of pride] Wonderful thinking dearest niece! I'm sure he knows where it is! In fact, he's probably in there right now! So all we need to do is find the secret room, then force Nunpar to tell us where the secret room is!

Dur: Excellent! Perhaps we can dupe another HARMA lackey into taking us there by using the WHATEVER card?

[Thinks for a moment]
Hey! Wait a minute! That's not what I meant at

Austin : [Looks deeply offended.To Alice] No, I am certainly not middle management. [To the Party] Why don't we sneak back into Nunpar's house, but go straight in through the window that we left by? Then we will be in Nunpar's special room without having to go through the house, and, I suspect, that Nunpar's lackeys are not allowed into that room without Joe's direct orders, so we will be able to search it uninterrupted.

Alice: Because surely security will be tighter than ever!

Charlie: How can we be sure that room leads to the rooms with the golden unicorns? Mightn't that be a bit obvious, and therefore a potential security risk, to have a secret entrance to a secret room containing golden unicorns located in a room containing non-golden unicorns?

Alice: Maybe that's just what they want you to think! I still think my idea of the Golden Unicorn of Roy is the best thing to do.

Austin : [Shrugs] We could do both. [To Charlie] We have already seen that their security is extremely lax, so even if they double their efforts, it will be meaningless.

Alice: So, half of us go back to The Swarm and get them to make a golden unicorn while half of us try to break into the place we were just caught breaking into?

Charlie: [Gasps] Goodness, no! Never split the party! I say we try Alice's plan. Even a stopped clock is right twice a day, after all!

Harvey : Agreed cadet, the party must stay together what!

Austin : So we are all going to go to the Swarm and get them to build a golden unicorn? I bagsy the head end.

Dur: Once we're inside the unicorn, though, how are we going to get it to HARMA?

Alice: Yay! Thanks Charlie! [To Austin] Maybe we should just get the leaders of The Swarm in the unicorn? That way they and Joe can fight it out, and we can just come along and clean up afterwards.

Alice: Well, first of all, Dur, unicorns can fly! Second, that's why it's better that we're not in there, we can direct the rest of the swarm to bring it to Queens View.

Harvey : The only problem I can see is trying to find enough gold to make it out of!

Charlie: Couldn't we just paint it a golden color?

Clint: Or just use fool's gold? It seems strangely appropriate that we do!

Austin : Or just use gold paint?

Clint: [Shrugs.] Sure, we could do that too. But c'mon, a fool's gold unicorn full of fools? No one'll see it coming!

Harvey : Well, someone had better see it coming, otherwise the effort will go to waste and the unicorn will not be brought in.

Alice: And all that gold paint will cost money! Maybe [conspiratorially to Austin and Clint] maybe we could liberate the golden unicorn once Joe and the Swarm leaders have killed each other?

Dur: Maybe the Swarm leaders have some confiscated gold spray paint that we can use...

Austin : Maybe they have confiscated a huge golden unicorn that we can use. It would save rather a lot of nasty messing around building the thing. [Muses] Perhaps the Swarm would build it for us.

Deuce: Sounds like you have a plan. Why don't you drop it at the gate at [checks his watch] 7PM tonight? Then, come around to the south side of the town wall and I'll let you in a secret passage.

Charlie: How thrilling! I do love a good secret passage.

Deuce: Oh, how well I remember, Puddin' Pop.

Alice: So how do we get back in contact with The Swarm? They told us that someone in Queens View would be looking for us.

Deuce: [Points to a man standing right outside the window, looking in at the party with binoculars] Maybe it's him?

[The party turn to see the man, JONES, who is literally an inch from the window looking in. It isn't possible to see his face because of the binoculars, but he definitely has a shaven head.]

Jones The Sp=

Harvey : I say, why is he holding the larger end of those binoculars to his eyes? He must think we're miles away!

Deuce: That could account for why he's almost inside the house!

[JONES doesn't seem to react to the fact that everyone is now looking at him.]

Charlie: [Calls to Jones] Hello, there! [Helpfully] You know, it's rather off-putting, trying to speak to you when you've got those absurd things blocking your face.

Austin : [Sighs] I don't know what this world is comming to. The meerest mention of Charlie's secret tunnels we instantly have peeping tom's.

Jones: [Calling in] Don't speak to me out here! You'll only draw attention to us!

Harvey : [Loudly back] The attention has already been drawn, I would have thought!

Jones: [Even louder] Speak up! I can hardly hear you out here!

Austin : [Concerned] Should we let him in? He looks like a complete idiot.

Alice: If he's a complete idiot he probably really is one of The Swarm.

Austin : [Suspicious] Or HARMA.

Jones: [Shouting in] I'm not with HARMA! I'm an undercover spy for The Swarm!

Austin : [Muses, suspicious] Hmm, that could be a cunning lie to cover his true identity. How can we get him to prove that he is who he says he is?

Alice: It could be, but who other than The Swarm know that we're supposed to meet someone?

Harvey : [Cups his ear with his hand] What did he say? [Loudly] Speak up man!

Jones: [Even louder] I'm an undercover spy!

[Some passing HARMA officers begin to approach.]

Dur: Well we certainly aren't getting anywhere fast like this! [Hauls the window open to pull Jones inside, shutting window and shade behind the man.] If we can't see them, they can't see us, right?

Deuce: Sure!

[JONES is half pulled, half climbs in the window, and DUR shuts the curtains after.]

Jones: [Stands up straight and speaks in a stilted manner] The egg has a pleasing but plain shape.

Dur: [Attempts to girlishly slap Jones] I was just helping you in the window, don't get fresh with me, sir!

Austin : I take it that this is some form of SWARM greeting that only initiates are aware of? [Looks to the others for explanation]

Charlie: Perhaps a mating ritual of some kind?

Alice: Maybe it's both? You know, to get the Swarm mating with each other?

Jones: [Blocks Dur's girlish slap] It is a code, and how I identify myself to you. I say "The egg has a pleasing but plain shape" and then one of you says "And within it contains the miracle of life." Let's

try again: The egg has a pleasing but plain shape.

Charlie: [Flips out a notepad and starts scribbling] And THEN you mate? How extraordinary! Tell me more about this ritual and your gestation period, etc.

Deuce: There's no gestation period, Puddin' Pop, they clearly lay eggs!

Jones: [Getting frustrated] No! Give me the response to the code! The egg has a pleasing but plain shape.

Alice: Okay, okay, I'll go for it: and in it there's some life!

Harvey : Actually dear niece, I believe the response was "and within it is contained a spherical wife"

Dur: Or was it, "Boiling it will bring internal strife,"?

Jones: [Exasperated sigh] Close enough! I was sent here to see if you needed to talk to The Leader.

Clint: Only if he can help us with a giant wooden unicorn!

Harvey : And one thousand tins of gold paint.

Jones: Reverend Benediction is very resourceful. I would not be surprised if he has those items.

Austin : Excellent, then could you get him to build us a giant golden unicorn, with space inside for, ten or so people. [Looks pleased with the progress]

Jones: Sure, but don't you want to come and tell him yourself?

Alice: [Nods] It makes sense, Aus, this guy will probably get it wrong.

Charlie: [To Jones] Splendid! Where can we find this man?

Alice: [To Austin, trying to whisper but somehow sounding louder than normal] It's the B - L - D head!

Dur: Not as convenient as you carrying us there, but I suppose it will do.

Alice: And it is more convenient than us having to carry him.

Jones: Excellent. [Puts a bag on the floor] Here are you raincoats, sunglasses, hats and fake noses.

Charlie: [Dons her sunglasses, hat, and raincoat, but holds the fake nose by the tip, looking disgusted] My fake nose is--used.

Jones: That's not a fake nose, it's a -- uh, I mean, sorry about that, here's a clean one. [Hands one over]

Alice: [Looks at Charlie in surprise] What are you doing? Shouldn't we take off all our clothes first?

Austin : [Smirks] No Alice, you only need to do that if you are expecting to be paid for it.

Alice: Wow, Austin, that's the second least romantic anyone has ever said to me.

Dur: What was the first?

Alice: [Finger quotes] If I pay you extra will you stop talking? [Hangs her head sadly]

Deuce: Yeesh, I said I was sorry! [To the party] I got carried away and forgot where I was!

Austin : [To Alice] It was a joke! Okay, a pretty poor joke, but most certainly a joke! [Glances at Deuce] And I mean what I said, not what he said. [Straightens his cuff]

Alice: Well, excuse me for thinking that you only wear raincoats when you're about to flash someone! Why on earth else would you wear such an awful looking coat?

Austin : Oh, good point. Never really understood flashing. Why do such people not just come along to one of the many naturist outings that my group and many other groups have every year. [Shrugs] People can be very odd sometimes. Perhaps they are uncomfortable with their own nakedness, and therefore have to expose themselves in limited amounts, a bit like testing the bath water with your pinkie to see if it is too hot. [Muses]

Jones: Except it's not your pinkie, it's your love truncheon, and it's not bath water, but the terrible beauty that is public ridicule at the hands of complete strangers that you'll relive time and time again on those long lonely nights when you're so lonely that even the pointing and laughing is better than the deafening silence that surrounds you in your home.

[An awkward silence descends.]

Jones: Er, right, if everyone's ready to go?

Alice: [To Jones] Are you wearing anything under that raincoat?

Jones: Good. Let's go!

[Now in disguise, the party exit, leaving DEUCE alone.]

Deuce: Yeesh, you make the mistake of thinking a girl is a hooker and she never forgives you!

End of scene

[Book VII, Act IV, Scene VIII. A Camp, near Queens View. ALICE, AUSTIN, CHARLIE, CLINT, DUR and HARVEY are here, accompanied by JONES, having easily slipped out of Queens View. They have travelled about three miles when they encounter ADAM MCPATCH, at the edge of the camp. He has a canon gun pointed directly at the party.]

Adam: Halt! Who goes there?

Jones: [To the party] Stay quiet, I'll handle this. [Steps forward] The egg has a pleasing but plain shape.

[Kaboom! ADAM fires the canon, with the canon ball barely missing JONES, and causing the rest of the party to dive for cover.]

Charlie: [Helpfully] Perhaps he already has a mate?

Jones: [Leaps to his feet indignantly] Hey! That's supposed to be the password! And don't you recognise me?

Adam: Never saw you before in my life!

[JONES flashes him.]

Adam: [Looks disgusted] Ah, Jones! What are you doing back? [Starts to reload the canon]

Clint: [Strides boldly forward.] Nevermind about him. Take us to your giant wooden unicorn!

Adam: [Looks Clint up and down] What are you? Another flasher? [Distastefully] You want to see my giant wooden unicorn? Well, let me tell you, lad, [points at his crotch] there ain't no one gets to see my giant wooden unicorn except for my wife, and then only when she's wearing a nurse's uniform!

Alice: Huh. So, you like the kinky stuff, eh?

Adam: No, she's a nurse, and we're divorced. I get a check up from her once a year, though.

Clint: [Blinks.] Riiiiiight.

I'm, uh, drawing a blank here.

Austin : Lovely. [To Jones] Well we must not dilly dally, we have a mission to complete, shall we get moving.

Jones: You'd better answer is question, [lowers his voice] he's the gatekeeper to the leaders [lowers his voice even further] he's very [lowers voice yet more] mumble mumble mumble.

Charlie: [To Adam] Goodness, no! Quite the opposite, in fact.

Harvey : Indeed, we want one made.

Adam: Well then, in that case, you better follow me.

[The party follow ADAM to a huge tent, through the hundreds of Swarm members, who are sitting on blankets eating bread and water. When he knocks on the flap, it sounds like he's knocking on the door. A slightly drunken voice calls back, it is BEN BENEDICTION.]

Ben: Come in if you're naked!

Adam: [To the party] That rule won't be applied.

Austin : Shame.

[The party enter, to find BEN lying back on a comfortable bed of cushions, smoking a cheeserette and drinking some fine wine. He is surrounded by scantily dressed floozies who are making him comfortable. Also here is JOHN, sitting back watching everything.]

Ben: Hey! It's the Queens View spies! Come on in, guys, the floozies are fine!

Austin : [Browsing the Floozies] Are there enough for everyone?

[The FLOOZIES, who are reasonably attractive, although clearly intoxicated, giggle at AUSTIN's question.]

Ben: Sure! [To Dur] Then why the hell else would you be here?

John: Maybe they have information about taking down HARMA?

Ben: Oh. [Puts down his floozy] What's the story?

Charlie: We have a brilliant plan! All we need is a wooden unicorn large enough to accomodate a small army. Oh, and the unicorn must be painted with gold.

Harvey : Cunning, eh!

Ben: I suppose that depends on what you're going to do with it.

Austin : Something so predicatable that it might just work. [Winks at a giggling floozie that caught his eye]

Ben: [As the giggling floozy giggles even more floozily] How about you share that with us? Then we might be able to help you.

Harvey : [Shocked, and loudly in a Harvey whisper to Clint] I say, is he talking about sharing that giggling scantily clad lady, or the plan about the horse?

Ben: [Sitting up] Terribly valuable, you say? Huh. You know, this sounds like an awfully dangerous mission, maybe too dangerous for someone as valuable as yourselves.

John: Perhaps someone from The Swarm should go?

Ben: Great idea, John, but I'd be concerned about a future leader of The Swarm being killed. [To the party] Any member of The Swarm can be chosen to be leader; and once they've done it once, they can never do it again. [Muses to himself] Hm, who else could it be? Who else does it leave? Think, Ben. Come on, you'll only be leader for another few hours, and then you can never be one again, so you must think, think, think!

Alice: [To a Floozy wearing a ridiculously short and slutty dress] That's really classy, but when I can see your ass. Maybe you should pull it down a bit.

Floozy: Tried it, and then a boob popped out.

Charlie: [To Ben] We intend to hide in the wooden unicorn, and then leave it in a prominent location outside of the city. [Grows excited] Then, HARMA will retrieve it and place it with their super-secret stash of REAL, terribly valuable golden unicorns. We will lie in wait for an opportune moment, then come out of hiding, kill that dreadful Joe Nunpar, and then make a hasty retreat!

Harvey : [Growing red with embarrassment, to the floozy] Perhaps you could borrow someones raincoat what! [Turns to Ben] So, what you are saying, is that there really is only one person in the Swarm who is eligible to lead this mission, someone who can no longer become the leader, but who would set such a fine example of what leadership is really about, by leading this mission, what?

Floozy: Sure thing! [Takes off her dress so she's now completely naked] Can I borrow someone's raincoat?

Charlie: [To Ben, admiringly] What a marvelous idea. How brave you are! [Flirting clumsily, batting her eyes] If only I had the low self-esteem and morals necessary to find you desirable, I should like to engage in non-reproductive intercourse with you for one glorious night that is never to be spoken of again!

Austin : [Chuckles] If only? What are you waiting for [Ponders] Of yes, it's still daytime. [Sighs] Perhaps Mr Dur, I mean Terry here, [Nods towards Dur] could be elected the new leader of the Swarm?

Ben: [To Charlie] Stick around and listen to a few of my sermons describing how everything you do, no matter how natural, is actually sinful and offensive to God and nature, and your self esteem will soon be low enough. [To Austin] This is The Swarm, there are no elections here. A leader simply steps forward.

Austin : [To Ben] How incredibly straight forward and bereft of bureaucracy! When would the appropriate time for this stepping forward be?

Ben: That's something only Swarm members can know. [Clicks his fingers at John] One golden unicorn, if you please.

John: I'll have our best men on the case right away.

[Exit JOHN.]

Ben: [To the party] This should only take a few minutes. Care for a floozy?

Austin : Why, thank you for your kind hospitality [Takes the hand of the floozy that caught his eye and whispers something in her ear]

Charlie: [To Austin] Do stay focused, Mr. Sleaze! We haven't time for dilly-dallying, and Phili only knows what horrid diseases these trollops are carrying!

Dur: Said the girlfriend of a demon! [Eyes a nearly naked floozy] Besides, they don't LOOK diseased to me!

John: [To Charlie, as the floozy giggles mindlessly at Austin's words, before starting to rub his shoulders] Actually, I know too. All floozies are required to give us a list of their horrid diseases before being permitted entry to the tent. [To Austin] You'll be glad to hear that none of them have anything that can't be cleared up with the liberal application of bantiotic ointment.

Alice: And how's he supposed to get hold of bantiotic ointment out here in the middle of nowhere? At this time of night? On a Tuesday?

John: [Opens a nearby chest which is crammed full of ointment tubes] We know our floozies.

Alice: Oh great. That probably means the poor girls are going to diet.

[All the FLOOZIES start to scream and cry.]

Alice: Sorry! Sorry! Calm down! I meant die.

[They all calm down immediately.]

Charlie: [To Ben, casting an annoyed look at the floozies] Right, how is that unicorn getting along?

Ben: We have five master unicorn carvers as part of The Swarm. I'm sure it'll be just a few more minutes.

[As if on cue, there's another knock on the tent. Enter JOHN.]

John: The unicorn is ready, although, they did ask me to say that they're not entirely happy with it because of the rush.

Alice: [With a snort of derision] What the hell kind of master carvers are they? Just how bad is it?

John: There's slightly less cupboard space in it than they'd like, and they'd have preferred a little more time to work on the sauna.

Harvey : Well troop, let us see this master craftsmanship for ourselves!

Clint: [Grabs a random floozy.] In particular, let's see this sauna!

I'm not going to be around a lot the next week or so - we're at the height of the job search season and I have proposals to finish and mail and all sorts of annoying things like that. Just forgot to earlier. Sorry!

Dur: I second that motion! Maybe we should bring a few floozies with us?

Clint: [Nodding.] Great minds think alike, huh doc?

Harvey : Hmm, as long as the doc there has unlimited supply of that potion [gestures towards the chest], I'd leave those er, ladies, behind, private!

Alice: You'd do what with the lady's behind?

[The party head out to see the unicorn. It looks fantastic, and can easily fit ten people.]

Alice: [Looks in through a hatch on the bottom] Wow! The shelves and stairs look great!

Austin : Ahh, the Golden Unicorn of Queens View. With space for a few floozies too I see [Smiles] Is there a bathroom, or just a jacuzzi?

Patch: Just a jacuzzi, but that's okay, because it needs help heating the water and getting it moving around.

Harvey : However, on the plus side, there is ample room for a highly specialised task force to infiltrate the Harma stronghold, providing there is a minimum of floozy and jucuzzi based distractions!

Dur: The real question is who is going to be on the task force and who stays behind with the main bodies of the floozies... Err with the Sawrm that is.

Ben: [Checking it out] It's tolerable, I suppose. Okay, back it up to the tent for a moment, and then bring us to Queens View. Remember, no one should speak once we're in there, just in case.

[Some Swarm members push the unicorn up to the tent, and the party spot several men dressed all in white, including REV. WILLIAM WORSHIP, going into the back of the tent. None of them look like Swarm members.]

Alice: How come those guys aren't dome heads?

John: It seems that all those called to be leaders got the call before they had a chance to shave their heads.

Patch: You're more than welcome to, being a Swarm member, those floozies need looking after, and you're probably just the eunuch to do it!

Austin : [Goes into the unicorn. Echoing from inside] Well come on, we haven't got all day you know. [Tuts]

[When AUSTIN goes into the tent to gain entrance to the unicorn, he finds that the opening is shut, and that all the treasure from the tent is gone.]

Harvey : [Pokes his head into the tent] I say, what's this? Why is the opening shut?

Austin : [Tuts] Nothing is sacred these days, turns your back for just a moment and some vagabond steals everything. [Sighs. Knocks on the opening] Open up, we are not all in there yet.

Ben: [From within] Maybe, but we all are. Patch, push the unicorn to Queens View!

[A bunch of Swarm members start pushing the unicorn.]

Alice: [To Austin] This is great! All we need to do is just follow them! Remember, Deuce is going to let us in a secret entrance to Queens View, and all we need to do is come along and clean up the mess once Joe and the leaders have killed each other.

Austin : [Sighs and rolls his eyes] Yes but we will have to walk now. We could have disembarked a little outside of Queens View and saved ourselves a jolly long walk. [Looks around] Maybe there is a carriage]

Charlie: Indeed, it all seems to be working according to plan, group! [Breathes a sigh of relief] And thank Phili I shan't be forced to work under those barbaric conditions! [Groans loudly] A library, without a copy of Fitzhugh's Botanical Anomalies?!

Alice: Uh, barbaric?

John: [Looking around the tent] Huh. So all our savings are gone?

Dur: ... Are you thinking that the whole "Swarm" fiasco was little more than a con?

Austin : [Muses] Yes, a similar con was perpetrated by that 'Bottomologists' Cult. They brain washed thousands and took all of their money. Quite clever really.

Harvey : Hmmm, it seems to me that perhaps Harma have infiltrated the Swarm, and even as we speak, the entire contents of the Swarm coffers and being pushed towards Queens View. In a unicorn.

Austin : Well, we could nail the entrance to the unicorn shut in that case. But how can you be sure?

Clint: No way. Those guys were way too laid back to be HARMA, even undercover! I say we stick to the original plan and if we happen to come across someone's life's savings just lying on the ground... Well, we'll know whose it is!

Alice: Agreed! They may be a bunch of lowlife conmen, stealing money off a bunch of idiots [nods to John] no offence [carries on] but they're still way better than HARMA. Come on, let's see if we can get some of these idiots to carry us? [To John] Will you carry us to Queens View?

John: No.

Clint: Not even if we tell you that we think we know where your treasury has gone?

Harvey : Surely that in itself is worth the price of passage, what!

John: Especially if you tell me that you think you know where the treasury has gone!

Alice: What? How come?

John: Because the Swarm shouldn't need wealth.

Austin : Why not?

Alice: What? How come?

John: Because the Swarm shouldn't need wealth.

Charlie: Yes, surely one must purchase head-shaving equipment, at the very least?

Austin : An the tent must require some form of maintenance, and that cream can't be free surely?

John: The Swarm shouldn't need wealth. We only need all that cream because we have the tent, and any old rusty bit of metal well do as a razor.

Patch: [Horrified] Mutiny! How dare you sir! How dare you! [Takes out an old rusty bit of metal and brandishes it as though it's a weapon]

Alice: [To the party] You know, that unicorn is probably half way to Queens View by now.

Harvey : [To Patch] I say sir, this is no time for head shaving! We should attempt to catch up to the unicorn!

Patch: Yeah, why don't you do that? I'm going to stay here and crack some skulls.

John: [Calmly] Cracking my skull won't change the fact that you're misguided.

Austin : [Sighs] Well, lets go, this place is going down hill rapidly.

Charlie: Agreed, Mr. Sleaze! Let us try to locate the golden unicorn at once.

Dur: Perhaps we can follow its tracks?

Harvey : Good thinking that man! Well that, and the fact they've no doubt taken the only route to Queens View, what!

Alice: No good, Dur, there's no sign of any unicorn tracks. Just these weird little wheel tracks, although they are on the only route to Queens View.

[The unicorn is, of course, mounted on wheels.]

Austin : [To Alice] Those are unicorn tracks Alice. It makes them look like little wheel track to throw stupid people off their trails. They are very clever like that, didn't you know? [Brielfy checks his nails and starts walking]

Alice: If they were really clever, they'd just fly. Everyone knows that unicorns can fly.

[The party leave the Swarm, who are clearly getting very irate with each other, and soon arrive to the main gate of Queens View, where the unicorn is now placed outside.]

Austin : Charlie, do you sill have the whatever card?

Charlie: [Pats at a pocket] Right here, safe and sound! Have you an idea?

Austin : Well we still need to get into Quens View do we not? We may have to use the card.

Dur: What about Deuce's secret entrance?

Austin : [Shrugs] Is that inside or outside of Queens View?

Alice: Yeah! What about Deuce's secret entrance?

Alice: Outside! How else would we be able to use it to get in?

Austin : Deuce specified that it will get us into the secret chamber, but I do not recall him specifying the location of the entrance.

Alice: No he didn't, he said it would get us into the town, not the secret chamber. I don't think Deuce knows where the secret chamber is, on account of it being a secret and all.

Austin : [Looks very dissapointed] Oh. [Checks the shine on his shoes]

[The party get to the south side of Queens View, and can see that there is a small cave beneath one of the walls, with a light shining there.]

Alice: I bet he's there!

Dur: [Scoffs] And why would you think that?

Alice: Because he said he'd be there!

Dur: Oh! Well, lets get in there then! [Traipses off for the cave]

Charlie: Do be cautious, Dur! In fact, perhaps it would be best if you all followed me, given my leadership position in the group. [Attempts to lead the group toward the cave]

Alice: [Nods] You are an idiot, in all fairness, Dur.

[As the party approach, they can hear DEUCE's voice, whispering.]

Deuce: Is that you, Puddin' Pop? Give me your hand. I can't put on any light as I'm being watched.

Charlie: [Puts her hand out and feels for Deuce] Are we quite safe here? Perhaps we'd best find another entrance?

Deuce: No worries. [Click. A handcuff is locked around Charlie's wrist] Sorry Puddin', but I need that card back.20

Charlie: [Gasps] You horrid, horrid man! [Tries to quickly whatever Deuce] Whatever!!

[The other side of the handcuff is locked to a metal grate, which itself is closed, and with DEUCE on the other side.]

Deuce: I'll let you out in as soon as I have the- [drops his head and turns away sadly]

Alice: Oh no! How are we going to get her free?

Oh no! No posting from me today...

Charlie: [To Austin] Hurry, can you pick the lock on these handcuffs?

Austin : [Shrugs] Why not. [Tries to pick the lock on the grate end of the handcuffs]

[AUSTIN can just about manage to get access to the lock, but can't get it open. DEUCE returns to view, recovering from the card.]

Deuce: Now, Puddin' Pop, don't get sore on me, you know I have to get it back from you.

Austin : [Wincing trying to get at the lock] I guess that this is not the first time that Deuce has handcuffed you to a railing!

Alice: [A little jealously] He had me handcuffed to a heating pipe!

Austin : [To Alice] Never mind, I'm sure that next time he will handcuff you to a drain pipe, or even a bannister!

Alice: I can dream, can't I?

Charlie: [Scoffs] It's far too easy to break the balusters on a bannister!

Austin : Hmm, yes, shoddy workmanship is all too common.

Deuce: Yeah, yeah, I'll be careful when I tie her up. The card, Charlie?

Charlie: But we still need it, Deuce! How can I be sure you'll help us once you've gotten it back?

Harvey : Indeed so, you might just Whatever the troop, what!

Deuce: Come on, guys, if I wanted you to get into trouble I'd have abandoned you back in the alley. Oh no! I think I can hear someone coming! Better hand it over!

Charlie: Unlock these handcuffs at once, and then I will give you the card!

Deuce: Sorry, Puddin' Pop, but you know that's not going to happen. What's it to be? Either hand it over now or I'm off.

Charlie: [Furious] Damn you, Deuce! You'd better not abandon us! [Hands Deuce the Whatever card]

Austin : Excellent, now that that little lovers tiff is over, we had better get moving.

Deuce: [Snatches the card] Yoink! See you, suckers!

[DEUCE disappears from sight for a few seconds, only to reappear with a big grin.]

Deuce: Hehe! Just joking! [Unlocks Charlie and opens the grate] Sorry about that, Puddin' Pop!

Clint: [Nods.] It's just as well, really. "With great power comes than Charlie!

Austin : Unfortunately true. [Sighs, briefly checks his nails]

Deuce: Come on, guys, I could have Whatevered you all ages ago if I wanted to. Come on, let's go fight evil! And by fight evil, I mean crack open a few beers and watch while our enemies destroy each other.

Harvey : As long as you have some nibbles to go with the beer, then consider us in the front row, what!

Austin : Nibbles or not, it sounds like a fine plan, one of the better ones of late!

Clint: Let's just hope that they've bought our cunning trick with the giant golden unicorn, complete with jacuzzi, or this is not going to be nearly as awesome.

Alice: I think it's going to be [very stagily as she climbs up through the grate] great! [Looks puzzled at the lack of laughter from the party] Oh, sorry, I mean, I think it's going to be grate!

[Exit ALL.]

[Book VII, Act IV, Scene IX. Outside Joe's house. ALICE, AUSTIN, CHARLIE, CLINT, DUR, HARVEY and DEUCE are here, watching a bunch of HARMA officers haul the unicorn up to the door.]

Alice: Huh. How are we going to get in? Surely someone will spot us?

Deuce: Forget that! How is the unicorn going to fit in? It's huge! What the hell did they put in there? A jacuzzi?

Harvey : [Still wiping tears away after Alices joke] Well, yes they did, but were not at all happy with the end result of the jacuzzi!

Charlie: [Shaking her head and wringing her hands] And, Deuce, the library! Oh, the inadequacy of it would break your heart!

Deuce: Were there any books in it about building things that fit through doors?

Charlie: Goodness, no! There were only THREE dictionaries! [Assesses the unicorn situation] Oh, dear. Perhaps we should have made some measurements and such.

Deuce: Yeesh, guys! I know he likes unicorns and all, but he would have to be a complete idiot to try and get that in!

[JOE appears, addressing the HARMA officers.]

Joe: Let's break down the front of the building to fit it in!

Harvey : Everything is going to plan!

Deuce: [Genuinely impressed] Great plan, guys! What are you going to do now? Sneak in through the back while they are distracted with breaking down the front of the house?

Austin : [Considers his options] It may well be a good time to sneak round the back and into Joe's pink room, then hide there or search for the secret entrance to the secret chamber!

[The party creep around to the back of the house, to the window that they went in the last time.]

Alice: Look! Let's use this ladder! [Points to a ladder up against a nearby house]

Deuce: But it's on the ground floor.

Alice: Hey, when you sneak into someone's bedroom, you always use a ladder!

[ALICE takes the ladder and puts it up to the window, with the result that it is almost laying flat, and the start of it is almost up against the house next door.]

Alice: See? Perfect!

Charlie: Yes, ah, splendid! Now do move that ladder so that no one trips over it as we crawl through this window! [Tries to open the window]

[The window is closed and bolted from the inside.]

Alice: Oh no! How will we be able to [has to raise her voice to be heard over all the racket from the front, where someone is clearly smashing a hole in the front of the house] able to get through here without someone hearing us?

Harvey : [Roaring to be heard] I believe, dear niece, the sounds from the other side of the house should be enough to mask the breaking of a window!

Alice: [Shouting back] What?

Charlie: Perhaps we'll just sneak in after the unicorn?

Clint: [Flexes his door-opening foot.] Windows aren't really my strong suit, but I bet I can handle this!

Alice: [Peers around the front] Huh! There are a bunch of guards out here, and it looks like just a few have gone in with it. We better go through the window.

Charlie: [To Clint] Do give it a try, and hurry!

[CLINT takes off his boot and uses it to smash the window.]

Alice: Ew! Put it on! Put it on!

Austin : {looking quite green] I believe that you have discovered something considerably more powerful than the Whatever Card, Mr Scar.

Alice: Maybe that's what the Whatever Card is made out of!

Clint: [Slips the shoe back on] Ah, it's how you know your feet are healthy!

Dur: Well at least it opened the window for us.

Alice: Come on, let's get in!

[ALICE climbs through the window.]

Alice: Huh, look at that. The other window was open all along! Oh well. Come on, folks!

Charlie: [Climbs through the window and calls back] Mr. Scar, do give the Colonel a hand, won't you?

Austin : [Nimbly climbs through the window] Right, let us find the secret room entrance [starts searching cupboards and floor]

[Soon everyone is in, searching the room frantically.]

Alice: You know, there's no guarantee that the secret entrance is in this room, is there? Maybe we should just watch where they put the unicorn?

Austin : [Pauses] Yes, perhaps someone that is skilled in watching should do that? [Looks at Charlie]

Dur: [Nods in agreement] And don't forget to take notes!

Deuce: [Also nods] Nor to shake that miiighty fine tush on the way.

Austin : No pressure then [Smirks]

Heather's afk

Austin : Quickly! Let's sneak in! [Goes to the door to check that the coast is clear]

[The party go to the door of the room and take a look. There is a huge sliding door in the middle of the hallway, into which the unicorn is being pushed. Although there were at least twenty HARMA officers involved in bringing it from the gate, now there are just four, as well as JOE, pushing it into the opening.]

Charlie: [In a low voice] How thrilling! Everything seems to be working splendidly. Let us follow behind at a safe distance and observe!

Harvey : Hmm, I wonder where the other guards have gone to? Lets cover our tracks, somewhat, incase they are back on patrol! [Attempts to pull the ladder into the room]

[HARVEY pulls the ladder in.]

Alice: Perfect! Now even if they see us, they can't get in!

[As soon as the unicorn is through the inner (secret) door, the four HARMA officers step back quickly, and the door slams shut, leaving JOE inside.]

Alice: Gah! What the hell is he doing in there?

Deuce: This is perfect! Now he and the Swarm leaders will kill each other off!

Alice: But there's just one of him and loads of them!

Deuce: Huh. I hadn't thought of that. Hm.

Harvey: I have. If the room is as full of riches, as it's said, I'm expecting greed to overtake common sense, and those inside will rip each other to pieces to be the last man standing, and have ownership of all that gold!

Austin : Ever the tactical genius colonel, I hope your trainee is taking careful notes [Glances briefly at Charlie's notepad] Now, how do we get in there? And how long will it take for them to kill each other? Assuming that they are not in cahoots, that is.

[One of the HARMA officers spots the party, it is TED, one of JOE's sons.]

Ted: Hey! What the hell are you doing here?

Dur: No, what are YOU doing here? [Aside to Deuce] Now might be a good time for some whatever magic!

Ted: We're fully paid up members of the Unicorn Appreciation Society -- are you?

Alice: Sure we are! [Starts chanting] U-S-A! U-S-A!

Ted: If you are, you can show us your unicorn tattoos, we all have them.

Deuce: [To Dur] Almost certainly, but, come on, surely you want to see these tattoos?

Austin : Indeed [Smirks. To the HARMA] You show us your tattos first, then will will know that you are truthful, and then we will show you ours.

[Within minutes, each of them are in various states of undress, such as pants down around the ankles, so that the party can see their tattoos.]

The

Ted: [Still with his pants down around his ankles] Okay, let's see yours!

Alice: [To the party] Why did he drop his pants when the tattoo is on his back?

Charlie: [Clearly repulsed] My, how--nice. [Blushes] Oh, I just couldn't show you mine, not with my very jealous boyfriend nearby! [Grabs Deuce's arm protectively] But I assure you, I have seen all of the tattoos of our chapter of the USA, and they are simply delightful! [Shows her notepad] I could sketch them for you, if you like?

Ted: First of all, it's not USA, it's UAS -- Unicorn Appreciation Society! Second, if you really are members of the UAS, then you can show us your tattoos. Right now.

Charlie: [To Deuce, pointedly] Why don't you go first, darling? [Casually makes the Whatever motion with her hand and tries to make it seem like she's merely stretching]

Deuce: Yeesh, Puddin' Pop! How about we get some of the burly fighters to knock them over the head now that they have their pants around their ankles?

Ted: What?

Harvey : [Laughs long and loud, to Ted] By the saints sir, do you think us simpletons? [Scoldingly] Oh you trickster! Only real members of the UAS know that true unicorn tattoos are tattooed in magic ink, which only appear on the Hallowed Night Of The Unicorn Horn. And this is most certainly not the Hallowed Night Of The Unicorn Horn. So, sir, were we to show you our tattoos here and now, you would know them to be false, what!

Dur: Errr..... Welll... You see... Say, does the UAS have any by-laws in regards to studying newly discovered Unicorn sculptures?

Conor, is their any stone in the hall?

Austin : [To Deuce] A much better plan. Mr Scar, Alice, Colonel, Mr Dur, do you stuff!

Yes!

Dur: [Casts Stone Shape trying to form a statue of a unicorn in the hall behind the UAS flunkies] Look over there! Another Unicorn Statue! Whooooo!

Ted: [Glances around] Wow! That's great!

Alice: [Picking up a huge vase] This is getting ridic. [Hits Ted over the head with it, knocking him to the ground, causing him to knock the others over too]

Harvey : Ha, I like it, dear niece! Good affirmative action!

Alice: [Addressing the party] Just jump in any time!

Charlie: [Tries to whack a guard with a chair] Indeed, let the brutality begin!

[CHARLIE takes out another of the guards, knocking him out cold.]

Deuce: Haw! This is great. If only we had a few more young girls, then we could really beat up these guards!

Austin : Brilliant! No one would believe it in a court of law, a team of highly trained HARMA agents taken out by some school girls! [Chuckles. Goes over to the door and tries to pick the lock if there is one]

[DOUGAL aims a kick at ALICE and knocks her down, while the other officer, GEORGE LAFORGE, slips out of his pants and starts running towards the main door.]

George: Help! Help! It's an ambush!

[AUSTIN is confronted with a seemingly featureless blank wall, with no obvious keyholes.]

Charlie: [Tries to throw a candlestick at George] Stop him, group!

Austin : [Checks the wall/door to see if it is hollow or a real wall and searches for any seams. Ponders] Unusually fine workmanship.

[The candlestick hits GEORGE on the head, knocking him out, meanwhile, CLINT knocks out DOUGAL.]

Alice: [Staggering up] Yeesh, nice to see everyone leaping into action there!

[The door slid down, so, although the seam is apparent, it isn't clear how to open it.]

Austin : There must be an opening mechanism around here [Searches around for a lever or button etc] Perhaps, Mr Scar, we have finally found a door to best your boot!

[There is a tremendous crash from inside the secret room, sounding eerily like someone being thrown hard against the inside door.]

Deuce: [As Austin searches for the way to open the door] Holy crap! What the hell is going on in there?

Harvey : My best guess, troop, is that the violence has ensued!

Austin : [Still searching] Grievous bodily harm, I suspect.

Deuce: [Looking worried as what sounds like another body is slammed against the sliding door] GBH I expected, but not this!

Alice: [Joins Austin with the searching] I can't find any switches -- just this little lever shaped like a unicorn horn.

Dur: Desperation suggests that perhaps you should try the lever anyway!

Alice: Here we go!

[ALICE pulls the lever, and the door starts to slowly open up. Everyone jumps back in shock when a bloody hand appears, clearly belonging to someone desperate to get out.]

Voice: Help me! Please!

Dur: Sorry, but my mom told me never to help strange, bloody hands...

[The door slides open some more, and the person squeezes out. It is REV. WILLIAM WORSHIP.]

William: [Covered in blood] Let me out of here!

Austin : [Dodges swiftly away from the bloody hand] Mind where you are waving that thing, you could leave the most awful stains!

Charlie: [Tries to look inside] This doesn't look good, group!

[Everyone bends down to look, and jump back in unison as the tattered body of BEN BENEDICTION is thrown at them.]

William: Let me out of here! Please! I gotta get out of - [pauses] huh, that's quite nice. [Pockets a set of golden candlesticks, before getting panicky again] Help! Help! [Runs towards the front door]

[The sliding door is now about halfway up, although everyone is hanging back after BEN's body was thrown at them.]

Harvey : By the saints, [Crouches down to get a better view under the gap]

Austin : What do you see? [Crouches down to look through the gap from a safe distance]

Alice: [Peers through too] Ew! They're all dead!

[It's difficult to tell from this distance if that's true, but there are bodies scattered all over the place, and all look like Swarm leaders, as their once white clothes are covered in blood. The door is almost all the way up now, and the party can see that the room is filled with treasure.]

Charlie: [Surveys the room, stunned] But--isn't this overkill, rather? [Clutching her hand to her mouth in disgust] Who did this?! Or WHAT??

Austin : One may have to assume that there is more to Nunpar than meets the eye. Perhaps he is some kind of monster? Or a demon?

Alice: I bet he is! Remember, just before we all had the blackouts and flash forwards, that custos Clementine guy told us that hell was coming! Oh, look, there's his body! [This is true, Joe is lying on his back with blood all over him]

Charlie: [Gasps at the sight of Joe] Then, indeed--who did this? Careful group, we are certainly not safe here. [Stoops down to look at a nearby body to ascertain the nature of the wounds]

[The wounds seem to be a combination of blunt instruments and swords. It looks like some of the treasure items were used, and that some of the Swarm leaders were killed either by their own swords or by being thrown against the wall.]

Austin : [Frowns] I suspect that we have been duped. Only one person has left this room alive, and so he is our prime suspect. [Stares in the direction that William went] The good Reverend William Worship, appears to have been the Bar Reverend after all.

Dur: [Kneels beside the body of Joe] In my medical opinion, I would say this man is mostly dead. [Peers after William] Really? Do we really think this was the work of one man? I thought this was our plan all along? Though I must admit me own anxiety over the fact that a plan WE came up with seemingly worked so well.

Alice: I think Dur is right -- William is a scrawny guy, how on earth would he have thrown bodies around like that? [Draws her sword] But there's no one left alive, unless they're hidden in here somewhere.

[Unless they are tiny, this is highly unlikely.]

Charlie: [Looking around, paranoid] Or invisible, and hiding in plain sight!

Austin : [Looks carefully into the room, and the nearest body to see if there is anything odd about the wounds] Very strange. I guess whatever did this could be inside the unicorn.

Alice: [Peering into the unicorn] Nothing! It's completely empty except for half empty bottles of wine and dozens of cheeserette butts. Huh, some of them are nice and big!

[Enter CHOCO LATAY, a HARMA officer that the party dealt with some time ago, with a dozen heavily armed officers. They have WILLIAM WORSHIP in handcuffs.]

Choco: [Sees the party] Halt! You're all under arrest!

Austin : [Dismissively to Choco] Whatever. [To William] What the hell did that?

Choco: [To the HARMA officers] Get them!

[The HARMA officers draw their swords and start moving to block the party in.]

Alice: Deuce! Use the whatever ca- hey! Where's he gone?

[DEUCE, apparently, has slipped away.]

Austin : [Hurriedly] Something killed Joe Nunpar, your leader, surely it is more important that you find that! After you have grieved of course! [To Choco] You will miss him wont you?

Choco: You bastards! You killed Joe!

Austin : No we did not, you idiot! Look at us, we are immaculately clean, have you seen the mess in there? [Points into the secret room]

Charlie: No, you're not listening! It wasn't us, rather some unseen, possibly invisible, monster or some such thing!

Harvey : Indeed, fellow, we have had no part in this barbarity!

Austin : I bet you are not UAS members! Show your unicorn tattoos now of face the consequences!

Choco: That's right. [Slashes Austin with his sword]

Lose 8hp Austin

Charlie: [Throws a small table at Choco] Run, group! [Goes to help Austin out of the room]

Austin : [Desparately tries to get out of the room] My suit! [Stares at the blood on his hand]

Alice: [Grabs a beautiful glass unicorn and holds it up] Freeze! Stop right there or the unicorn gets it!

Choco: [Holds up a hand to the other HARMA officers] Back off! That was one of Colonel Nunpar's favourites!

[The party slowly start to move out, with ALICE still holding the unicorn up.]

Harvey : By the saints! [Attempts a round house kick at Choco]

Choco: [Jumps back from Harvey] Hey! Take it easy! [Points his finger at the party accusingly] You might escape from here, but every HARMA officer in the country will be looking for you. You will have nowhere to hide, no friends, no shelter, no comfort, no nothing.

Alice: Is that his penis he's pointing at us?

Choco: That's my finger! Although, I suppose the fact that I'm sticking it through the fly of my pants is a little confusing.

Charlie: [To Choco] What choice have we, when we are being falsely accused of so grave a crime?!

Dur: That seems familiar. [To the party] Weren't they already looking for us?

Clint: Yes they were -- for another crime we didn't commit! Come on, let's get the hell out of here. [Picks up a china unicorn] Back off, or the horse gets it.

Choco: That's a unicorn.

[Smash, the unicorn is thrown to the ground, as CLINT grabs another.]

Choco: Aiieee!

Clint: [To the party] Come on, out through the bedroom window.

http://drugygsph.whome-inc-online.ru

Harvey : [Backing up] Damn and blast, I took in the ladder! We may be trapped!

Austin : [Weakly] We dont need a ladder, we are on the ground floor! [Gracefully slips out of the window leaving a bloody trail] Wounded first!

Alice: [To Harvey] We may have to jump for it!

[AUSTIN gets to the window and sees that JOHN 'TERRY' O'QUINN is sitting in carriage just outside with the horses running.]

John: Need a ride?

Bank holiday today, so no posting from us!

[JOHN revs up the horses some more.]

John: Well?

Harvey : How fortuitous! [To John] Indeed we do! Come on troop, lets make a leap for it!

Charlie: Agreed, Colonel! [Offers Austin a hand]

[The party scramble onto the back of the carriage.]

Alice: How did you know we needed help?

John: The Swarm always knows. [Pause] Also, Deuce told me.

[The HARMA officers all appear at the window.]

Choco: Quick! Get a ladder!

Austin : We should really get some weapons. Queens View has gone terribly down hill of late.

Dur: The question is: Where do we get some weapons?

John: Maybe the question should be how fast we can get out of here?

Dur: Or maybe it should be: Who the hell do you think you are?

John: Okay. [Addresses the party in general, nice and calmly] Who the hell do you think you are?

[The HARMA officers put down the ladder and start climbing out.]

Charlie: Do let's sort this out later! [To John] We're ready! Let's go!

Austin : Can you not see that I am gravely wounded! This is no time for an argument, let's go!

Dur: Want me to take a look at it [Spits on his hands and rubs them together to clean them, only succeeding in making them worse]?

[The carriage zooms away, and the party just catch sight of JOE, appearing at the door of his house, shaking a fist at them.]

Alice: [As the carriage drives out the gate] Hey! What the hell just happened? He looked like he was dead for sure -- in fact, he was so dead that Dur probably thought he was alive!

Harvey : By the saints, you're right dear niece! What trickery is afoot here?

Alice: But all the Swarm guys are dead, right?

Clint: At this point, who knows?

Good news... my brain has apparently decided to stop leaking out Stupid brain. Stupid ear.

Harvey : Have we just been duped by both the Swarm, and HARMA, troop?

Clint: Ha! Those losers, dupe us? That's unpossible!

Charlie: [Wails] But I'm a member of GenSAG! [Explaining to Alice, modestly] Geniuses Sure Are Great, that is.

Harvey : [To Charlie] Good grief, are you aware that Gensag is also the Vietnumnumese word for your, ahem, rear end?

Dur: Maybe it was intentional, Colonel. After all, Geniuses and Rear Ends have a lot in common. They're both Asses!

Clint: C'mon, doc, they prefer to be known as the northern end of a south-bound horse.

John: Whatever about Colonel Nunpar, all the Swarm leaders are dead.

Harvey : I wonder if HARMA had some sort of resurrection orb?

Charlie: What a waste of an orb!

Alice: If they did, it sure worked fast!

[The carriage screeches to a halt outside a small house.]

John: You can sleep here for the night. I tried to make it comfortable for you. [Pause, and then adds by way of explanation] William and Ben left some alcohol and cheese behind them.

Charlie: That is most courteous of you. I don't suppose you could also procure weapons for us, in case we are found here?

John: I'll see what I can do.

[The party climb out of the carriage, and JOHN zooms off. It looks like the fire is lighting in the house.]

Alice: [Peering in the window] Hey look! There's a huge spread of food here! They've got steaks, chops, a soused pigs head, complete with apple, golden honeyed locusts, jellied eels, thrushes ankles, snakes feet, crispy popadoms and curried brussel sprouts!

Dur: It's an un-attended feast! Quick, lets slip in and eat all the food before anyone notices us!

[Chaaaarge! The party descend on the food and gorge themselves into sleep.]

End of scene.

[Book VII, Act IV, Scene X. The House. ALICE, AUSTIN, CHARLIE, CLINT, DUR and HARVEY are here, slowly waking up after having had a fantastic feed of food and a healthy portion of alcohol and cheese. Although the curtains are still closed, the party can see daylight.]

Alice: Wow. The Swarm sure now how to put on a good feed!

Austin : [Weakly, sitting in a chair in the corner covered in blood] Help.

Alice: Huh. Sorry about that, Aus, I guess you were too busy eating to clean yourself off. [Helps patch him up] You know, I can't help but feel we've had one put over on us. I was full sure that the Swarm would see through their leaders, but we're back where we started, except now all HARMA is against us and we've discovered that Joe seems to be able to come back from the dead!

Dur: [Crosses his fingers] Please say that this means we're leaving!

Alice: Too right we are! Let's go find Charlie's boyfriend, now that we have more information on the prophecy, he might be able to help us.

Austin : I must just get cleaned up [Goes off into the bathroom]

Alice: Oh, God. Now we'll be here for hours. Look, everyone, I updated my chart for all the weirdoes we've met in relation to Clementine. [Shows her chart]

Alice's Chart

Charlie: But how are we going to locate Pestilence? [Quickly] And he is NOT my boyfriend?!

Austin : [Returns, wearing a new suit. Deadpan] Aww, is he just your plaything? And you two whould have such lovely children [Casually checks his nails]

Alice: Let's see if we can figure out where John left us. It's kind of weird that he'd just disappear, isn't it? I wonder where all those Swarm weirdoes are. [Opens the door] Hopefully we're not too far from -- [jumps back from the door, shocked] yikes!

[Standing outside, stretching as far as the eye can see are thousands and thousands of bald headed Swarm members. When they see the door open, they all speak as one.]

Swarm: Hail to the Queens View Party! Hail to the true leaders of The Swarm!

Alice: [With a big smile to the party] Huh! Whaddya know? We're cult leaders!

End of act, next one coming right up

[Book VII, Act V, Scene I. The House. ALICE, AUSTIN, CHARLIE, CLINT, DUR and HARVEY are here, at the door. Also here are tens of thousands of Swarm members, including JOHN.]

John: [Gives the party a peace sign] Hail to the leaders.

Harvey : [To John] Good grief, why are we your leaders?

John: Because you exposed our original leaders for what they really are, greedy thieves. Once everyone realised that they had taken our savings, we knew we had to find better leaders. Who better than the brave stout hearts that saved us?

Dur: Yeah? [Looks around] Well? Where the hell are these brave stout warriors you speak off?

Alice: Don't be stupid, Dur, he wants us to find them!

John: Actually, you're being too modest. [To the Swarm] Aren't they?

Swarm: [All perfectly on cue] Yes!

Jones: [Just a second after everyone else] -es!

Clint: So your reaction to finding out that your cult is a scam is to find new leaders for your cult, and you pick us? [Thoughtfully.] We can work with that!

Harvey : Well, leadership certainly works better on a stomach full of breakfast! [Looks enquiringly at John, tapping his stomach slowly]

John: Ah! You want to finish some of the leftovers from last night? Good idea. [Looks in at the carnage left over from last night's gorging] Oh. I see. [To the Swarm] Why don't you get them some breakfast? I'll wait here.

Swarm: [All as one] Yes.

[Exit the Swarm, leaving JOHN behind.]

Alice: Huh, so we're the leaders of a cult. I can't say I'm surprised. I mean, virtually every boyfriend I ever had called me a cult.

Austin : [To Alice,] And what did you call them? [Checks the shine on this shoes and smiles]

Alice: I like to call them Dave.

Austin : [Thoughtfully and deadpan] Oh, well that must have been pretty handy, as you could never forget a name like that. You could get a 'Dave' tattoo as well, and it would be special and personal for each one.

Alice: No one should have that many tattoos! [Thinks for a moment] Er, so, this breakfast?

[The door swings open, enter SHELDON.]

Sheldon: [Pushing passed a bunch of Swarm members] Let me through! I am their best friend, after all. [To the party] Ah, there you are! The [punches the air lamely] gang is back together!

Dur: Uhhh... Sure.... Are? [Aside to Alice] Who the hell is that guy?

Alice: I haven't a clue -- looks like some sort of geek, so I assumed he was a friend of yours.

Sheldon: [Stifles a laugh] Very amusing, yes. Now, tell me all about your adventures, and don't leave out even the smallest detail.

Charlie: [To Sheldon, delighted] Well, it's all been most interesting, I must say! [Drags out a huge stack of notebooks] There simply isn't enough time to tell you EVERYTHING, but here are my notes for the last 24 hours. I can sound out the difficult words for you, if need be! [Politely] Oh, and what have you been up to, hm?

Sheldon: I have been speaking to the newspapers on your behalf, about your failed assassination attempt on Colonel Nunpar. [Holds up a newspaper with a picture of Joe, the headline of which reads "Dr. Sheldon Parsons' Party Fail to kill beloved leader] I was very nice about you.

Austin : [To Sheldon, dumbfounded] Why on earth did you do that? You have just confessed to attempted murder! You will hang for that! Why?

Sheldon: [Brightly] Au contraire, mon ami, I have confessed to conspiracy to attempt murder! [Thinks for a moment] Huh, that damned reporter! I should have let Pestilence kill him.

Austin : [Alarmed] It would only be such if nothing had happend appart from agreement between two or more persons to engage jointly in an unlawful or criminal act, but there was most certainly an actual attempt and you most certainly assisted in that attempt and so you are therefore also guilty of the crime that I aforementioned. Either way the death penalty is applicable. [Indignantly] I new that this was a bad idea right from the start.

Austin : [Alarmed] It would only be such if nothing had happend appart from agreement between two or more persons to engage jointly in an unlawful or criminal act, but there was most certainly an actual attempt and you most certainly assisted in that attempt and so you are therefore also guilty of the crime that I aforementioned. Either way the death penalty is applicable.

Dur: Yeah! What he said! [Grabs the paper and reads it] Besides, we didn't 'fail' to do anything. That bastard was as good as dead until he sprung right back up again. Damn corpses, never stay dead when you want them too... Least of all right when you're removing their liver. "Never let a good liver go to waste," my mum always said! Man! [Stares dreamily at the ceiling] She always made one hell of a stew...

Sheldon: Forget that! Where are we going to hide? I can't go to the big house, I'm too beautiful!

Dur: [Drooling] Too late! Maybe Pestilence will have a safe house for us to lie low in, metaphorically speaking. [Glances at Charlie and the whispers loudly to the rest of the party] Well, maybe literally speaking too!

Clint: Maybe our beloved cultists will help protect us?

John: They'll try, but the Swarm are non-violent and have no weapons. They are also frightened by loud noises and angry dogs.

Harvey : I going to put that to the test! [Turns abruptly and bellows at the collected Swarm] Where's breakfast?

Clint: [Irked.] Well, if the guys don't want to fight off HARMA with us, at least they can find us a place to hide. [Gives Sheldon a death glare.]

Austin : [Looking around the masses] With this many Swarm we could probably hug the HARMA into surrender.

Harvey : Or synchronised stomping, enough to cause an earthquake and demolish their bases!

Sheldon: [Laughs] Very amusing, very, very amusing. [Slams the door on the Swarm] However, we need to discuss the prophecy. I really should be annoyed with you for not coming back to location Alpha, but, [punches Austin chummily on the shoulder] I can't be angry with you guys!

Charlie: Where was Location Alpha?

Austin : [Dusting off the stop where Sheldon made contact with him] How could you be, we are your best friends. [Sighs and scopes the room]

Sheldon: [Sighs] Oh, Charlie, it's just as well we like you, because we'd never keep you around for your smarts! Location Alpha is the house where Pesty and I were hanging out, doing manly things and stuff.

Charlie: Well, do take us there now, and we can discuss the prophecy further. What more have you learned?

Austin : Indeed, demonstrate just how smart you are. [Casually checks his nails]

busy this afternoon, have a good weekend!

Sheldon: Certainly, Austin, I would be happy to. And, might I say, it is gratifying to see that my startling intellect doesn't put a distance between us. [Takes out a piece of paper and starts writing on it]

[The paper says: "1415926535897932384626433832795028841971 693993751058209749445923078164".]

Charlie: [Looks at the paper, snorting in derision] More of your junk science, I see!

Sheldon: You didn't ask me for something useful, you asked for a demonstration of how smart I was. Reciting pi to sixty places is a really rather marvelous feat. [Coldly to Charlie] It isn't junk science, it is math, but I wouldn't expect you to undestand that. How fortunate you are that I don't hold your ignorance against you. [To the party in general, seemingly trying to be nice] Against any of you.

Charlie: Yes, this is all terribly interesting, but could you take us to Pestilence at once? I don't think it wise for us to linger in one spot for too long.

Harvey : Indeed, we tend to get made leaders of various groups and what not, if we stay more than an evening in a place!

Clint: No worries on that count, Harv! One look at our friends and they'll decide they don't want us to lead them after all. But yeah, let's get out of here before HARMA shows up. Again.

Sheldon: No, let's not meet up with Pestilence, he's just a distraction. Instead you can tell me about the information you gathered.

Charlie: [Looks at Sheldon suspiciously] I thought you and he were partners or somesuch deluded claim of yours?

Austin : And smart includes useful, who cares about the 60 whatever decimal places of pi when we are trying to save the world, being hunted for a murder that we did not commit, and trying to decipher ancient messages that may just help us save the world. Again [Checks his nails casually]

Sheldon: Partners? Goodness gracious no! Perhaps Pestilence told you we were, but I can assure, that is not the case. In fact, he is such a bad influence that I think you all need to avoid him. [To Charlie] Especially you. [To Austin] If you could cease your mindless prattling for just a few moments and show me what Deuce gave you, I could help. [Sighs to himself] Patience, Sheldon, he is your friend, after all.

Austin : Mindless prattling? You almost got me killed, and managed to confess to the media at the same time! Idiot!

Sheldon: Now, now, Austin, you're amongst friends now, remember, we don't mind that you nearly got us killed while we were risking our lives to save the swarm and to get that information about the prophecy. Speaking of which, where is it?

Alice has it.

Charlie: We have it with us, not to worry! We have made some progress with the translation and found some interesting alternative readings.

Austin : [To Sheldon] Utter nonsense, and slanderous! [Makes some notes]

Sheldon: Yes, it does sound like utter nonsense, but what else would you expect given the company she keeps? No strong male role model, overtly trampy female stereotypes? Really, it's a wonder that she hasn't gone teaching at a high school.

Alice: [To the party] Remind me why we haven't killed this guy.

Charlie: Well, he has proven useful at times, for those little tasks Dur hasn't the mental capacity to carry out. Though he is being rather unreasonable just now. [To Sheldon] Really, a high school teacher?! Do mind your tongue. [Smiles at Alice, loyally] Alice is our respected colleague, and we have found her so-called trampy behavior an asset to many of our endeavors involving distraction, etc.

Alice: [Nods her head in agreement] Yeah! So there! [Thinks for a moment] Hey!

[Enter a TERRY with a tray of food, which seems to consist entirely of tasteless looking dry bread and water.]

Terry: Here you go! Some delicious breakfast for our beloved leaders. [Does an extravagant salute that involves running both hands over his bald head] Patience be with you!

Dur: [Already with a mouthful of bread] I hope so! We're going to need it!

Sheldon: As will I, whipping you lot into shape! [Picks up a piece of bread and taps it] Huh. If I didn't know better -- which I almost always do -- I would have thought that this was a rock. I'm sure Dur thinks it's a rock.

Charlie: [To Sheldon, irked] If anyone will be whipping Dur, it most certainly will be me or possibly the Colonel, should I be otherwise occupied!

Sheldon: Indeed, that would make sense, for I will likely be too busy whipping you into shape.

Austin : [Claps his hands] If you have all quite finished threatening each other with nerdy sex games could we proceed with the matter at hand! [To Sheldon and Charlie] The translation!

Sheldon: If you people would surrender the information you were sent to get, then we wouldn't have this problem!

Charlie: [Outraged] I must say, I do not care for your attitude, Sheldon! In fact, I don't think we shall be sharing anything at all with you!

Austin : [Rolls his eyes, sighs] It would be so much easier just to let the world end.

Dur: [Still eating, despite the 'bread's' rocky qualities] Really? With so many tailored suits left for you to wear?

Austin : It is not about the suits. [Goes to the window to see what is going on outside]

Sheldon: [Shocked at Charlie's outrageous behaviour] Honestly! Is that any way to speak to your best friend?

[There are thousands of CANDIDATES outside, all looking in.]

Alice: [To Terry (who brought the food in)] Would it hurt Sheldon if we threw a piece of bread at him?

Terry: Hopefully. It is crap, and only a sad loser would actually try to eat it.

Harvey : [Drawing his hand away from the bread hastily] Now now, dearest niece, let's be charitable to the inflicted, eh!

Terry: Why? The guy's an idiot, he knows nothing about the prophecy. [Waves his tray around] Inedible bread, anyone?

Charlie: [Politely takes a rock of bread, but just holds it] Why, thank you! [To Terry] You must know ever so much about the prophecy! Do tell!

Terry: I know that Jerome wanted it badly and that your boytoy tortured a Jeromite to get it.

Austin : No need to be narky. I am sure that Charlie only prostitutes herself for the greater good.

Terry: Whereas you prostitute yourself for your own good.

John: [Shocked] Terry! What has come over you? Apologise at once!

Terry: [Shrugs] I thought we Swarmdidates were honest all the time.

Alice: Huh! I thought you were the same guy! [Looks from John to Terry] Hey! Look! It's Darius!

[This is true. The Candidate that brought in the breakfast, TERRY, is none other than DARIUS, complete with shaven head.]

Darius: [Gives the party a peace sign] Hooray for Clementine and her love of loosers like us.

Alice: What's a looser?

Darius: It's how someone like you spells loser.

Charlie: [To Darius] That's a, er, new look for you. Anything new in your life you'd like to catch us up on?

Austin : I doubt if he came here for the bread.

Darius: I'm a Candidate, a chosen one, waiting Clementine to smite you non-believers and bring peace and happiness to earth. Oh, and to help you with that prophecy of yours. After all, it is about you.

Sheldon: Hey! I recognize you! You once heckled me when I was giving a speech!

Darius: That's me.

Sheldon: I was only seven years old!

Darius: That's hardly an excuse for poor research and papier mache construction.

Sheldon: [Appealing to the party] It was my mother's fault! She used too much water!

Harvey : [To Darius] Did you have anything to do with all of us being made leaders? Hmm?

Charlie: [To Darius] What can you tell us about the prophecy? What do you mean, it's about us?

Sheldon: Yes! What does it say about us?

Darius: It doesn't say anything about you, other than that you're a whiney little bitch who got chased away by Pestilence who actually wanted to kill you. The rest of you, on the other hand, well, you're gonna be stars! [To Harvey] I may have made mention of your stout hearts, but the Swarm voted themselves.

John: [Gives Darius a baleful look] And what about those allegations of ballot stuffing and theft of ballots?

Darius: Completely unfounded.

Austin : Considering the fact that we did not know that we were candidates it hardly matters, we certainly cannot be held responsible for vote fixing. [Puts a cigarette into a ridiculously long holder and lights it, blowing a few smoke rings]

Sheldon: Well said, Austin! I think we should leave immediately before we get tarnished with his evil deeds!

Austin : Considering the fact that you have recently told the press that we tried to murder Joe, I hardly think that you are in a position to be recommending with whom we should be tarnishing ourselves. [Blows some smoke rings at Sheldon]

Sheldon: [Coughs and waves the smoke away] Honestly, Austin, I think you are being most unkind!

Darius: That's not unkind. Parking your carriage on top of someone's little mopeyped, now that's unkind.

Sheldon: [Screams like a girl] Sasha!

[Exit SASHA, running out.]

John: [To Darius] I don't think you're a candidate at all.

Darius: And I don't think you're sane, but I'm not hassling you about it, am I?

Charlie: [To Darius] And so, you are here to assist us? In fulfilling our respective prophesied destinies?

Darius: Sure, as long as it doesn't involve me doing anything or compromising my stylish new look. That prophecy of yours contains something that Jerome doesn't want anyone to know, and a little bird told me that it is about the Queens View party.

Alice: Wow! A little talking bird? What was he like?

Darius: Tasted kinda like chicken.

Clint: Just out of idle curiosity, why is it always about us? I mean, save the world a couple of times and they act like it's your full-time job!

Clint: Oh. Well, as long as this time we get the credit, the women, and the cheap cigars for it!

Malformed subject line from me!

Darius: I guess that depends on what the prophecy says, doesn't it?

Austin : So what does it say?

Harvey : And are you going to tell us without being even more cryptic than the prophesy itself, eh?

Darius: Oh no, Colonel, don't worry about that.

[Time passes.]

Darius: Because I don't know what it says. What I do know is that it is about the Queens View party, about saving the world, that Jerome desperately wants it, and where you can get it translated. What have you got so far?

Alice: Here you go. [Shows him the notes the party have made]

The prophecy and

Darius: [Looking at it] So what do you make of it?

The link shows the possible translations so far

Charlie: Well, we reasoned that the "children of the lady" could be the Sons of Clementine or perhaps [nods to Austin] it refers to us, The Queens View Party, in a sense children of the Queen. Have you any ideas?

Austin: [Straightens a cuff] Indeed. I spotted right away that it might refer to us.

Darius: You always were my favourite, Evan. [Looks at the translation] Hm, it could be either, I guess, but I have it on good authority that it definitely refers to the Queens View party, so my bet is that it's that part. However, what you really need is an ubernerd who actually knows these languages.

Charlie: I don't suppose you know such a scholar?

Dur: You would think that you, our resident ninny, would know such a scholar...

Darius: Of course I don't know one, I don't hang out with ubernerds. Well, present company excepted, of course. I do know of a place where you might find such a scholar, though.

Charlie: [Excited] Oooh, please say "The International Symposium on Extinct and Endangered Languages"! I have wanted to attend since I was a young girl!

Clint: Well, there's one in Queen's View... Got a better idea?

Darius: Okay. [Dramatically] The International Symposium on Extinct and Endangered Languages.

Alice: Wow! Really?

Darius: No, but she seemed so excited by it, I had to give her something. Actually, I don't know where the exact location of it is, but [to Charlie] someone close to you knows where it is. I believe you call him "Daddy".

Clint: You're gonna have to narrow that down a bit more!

Charlie: [To Clint, haughtily] He clearly means my biological father, Sir Rudyard Parker-Kensington! [To Darius, uncertainly] Don't you?

Darius: Actually, I was talking about Pestilence!

Charlie: [To Darius, furious] How dare you! Are you saying my father hasn't the expertise to go toe-to-toe with Pestilence in matters of rare and obscure languages?! [Hesitates] Though antique carriages are really more Daddy's thing, to be fair. [Quickly] My REAL Daddy!

Darius: Looks like we've got some father issues in this group!

Alice: Because she calls Pestilence Daddy?

Darius: Actually, I was think more along the lines of how your constant need for validation from males manifests itself in slutty clothing and even sluttier behaviour. However, we're going off the point. There is a monastery called Ixi that you should check out. I'd take you there myself but a), I don't know where it is, and b), I'm banned from ever returning there.

Harvey : Why does that not surprise, you old cad, you! You're also the first person I've heard actually pronounce a right bracket.

Darius: You must be a fast learner, Harv, because you picked it up faster than a soldier picks up a hooker.

Austin: You said you are banned from returning there, and also that you don't know where it is. How can that be? Were you there? [Sighs] And try to give a straightforward answer.

Darius: I sure was -- these guys are serious about their bans, though. They removed that memory from my mind. They were a little careless, actually, because I also forgot how to choose underpants.

Charlie: [To Darius] How barbaric! There isn't anything you could tell us to help us find this place, then?

Darius: Buy plenty of underpants, and then go talk to Pestilence.

Charlie: [In a resigned tone] Well then, I suppose we must, no matter how unpleasant the idea might seem to us.

John: Shall I get The Swarm ready?

Dur: [Sighing] If you must. Pestilence, after all, may need something to snack on.

Alice: What? We're going to bring ten thousand bald headed goons with us? It's hardly going to be stealthy, is it?

Dur: Since when have we been stealthy? Besides, haven't you ever heard the saying, "Speak softly but carry a large body of mindless cronies willing to do whatever you command?" Or was that just what mum always said?

Harvey : Indeed so, dear niece! We must travel alone, and fast. Can't get weighted down by force marching ten thousand people! Imagine the number of sandwiches that would need to be prepared!

Clint: So which is it? Travel alone and fast, or travel with a small army of mindless goons? If these monks are real serious about their privacy, I vote for the goons!

Austin: We already have enough goons in the party as it is. I suggest we leave them here until such time as we return. They can spend the time building statues of us.

Charlie: I agree wholeheartedly, Mr. Sleaze, they would only slow us! [Eagerly] Now, do let us be on our way, [adds wearily and unconvincingly] if we simply must, that is!

Darius: To the love nest!

[Exit the party, passing a sobbing SHELDON, mourning his smashed mopeyped carriage.]

End of scene, next one coming right up

[Book VII, Act V, Scene II. The Cottage. ALICE, AUSTIN, CHARLIE, CLINT, DUR, HARVEY and DARIUS are here, having just arrived. PESTILENCE is sitting outside on a rocking chair sharpening a knife.]

Darius: [Leaping down off the carriage] So, still a psychopathic monster?

Pestilence: [Tests the point of his knife] Still a smug git who deserves to be stabbed in the eye?

Dur: Yes and Yes. Now, about the prophecy...

Clint: Well, it's nice to see you two getting along so well! Go say hi to daddy, Sarge.

;;; Forgot to mention that early morning (11:00!) meeting, didn't I? Who schedules that sort of thing?!

Pestilence: [With a big smile] Daddy, eh?

Alice: [To Darius] So, you two know each other?

Pestilence: I may have once stabbed him in the eye. How's that going, by the way?

Darius: [Shrugs] Fine. It's stronger than the old one, so I can lift a lot more with it.

Pestilence: What about the underpants?

Darius: Still wearing pink frillies. They're surprisingly comfortable, actually.

It's just inhuman, Tom!

Charlie: [To Pestilence, coolly] If you are quite through discussing lingerie, we should like to talk to you about the prophecy.

Pestilence: [Looks mildly and a little unconvincingly surprised] Oh, I didn't see you there. Come on in.

[Everyone heads into the house.]

Alice: [To Pestilence] So, uh, why did you stab him in the eye?

Pestilence: Because he's a smug git.

Darius: [Nods] And also because he's a psychopathic monster.

Charlie: [To Pestilence, rather stiffly] Darius told us that you might know where to find a languages expert who might be able to help us translate the prophecy? We would be most appreciative.

Pestilence: [Gives a big grin] Oh really? [To Darius] I guess you mean at Ixi? Returning to the scene of the crime! [Opens the door to another room] Come on, Sarge, I'll show you how to get there, I have some information in here.

Charlie: [A bit too eagerly] Marvelous! [To the party] Cartography is a passion of mine, so this might take a while. Why don't the rest of you call it a night and get some sleep?

Pestilence: That's a good idea. [Fakes a yawn] Boy, it sure is late. [Shuts the door after him]

Alice: [To the others] Right, let's get some sleep. [Yawns and stretches, but then stops] Hey! It's still only 11AM!

Harvey : Right, lets all check out these directions to Ixi then. [Walks towards the door]

Austin: [Straightens a cuff] You may wish to avert your eyes, Colonel. Some of these modern maps can be positively shocking.

Dur: [Watches the door suspiciously] I don't think it's the map we may find shocking!

Alice: [Also standing near the door] That depends on what they're doing with it!

Gone for the weekend!

Charlie: [Briskly exits the bedroom, hair noticeably mussed and suit jacket buttoned incorrectly] Splendid, I've examined these excellent and detailed directions very carefully and now know precisely where to lead us! [Dramatically brandishes a cocktail napkin that shows a crude

Alice: [Looks at the map and points at something] What's that? A snow capped mountain?

[Enter PESTILENCE, smoothening down his hair.]

Pestilence: It sure is. There's a cave up towards the top, and that will take you to Ixi.

Charlie: [To Pestilence, politely] Thank you for your assistance. Do try not to murder loads of people in future. [To the party] Let us be on our way, group!

Harvey : [Examining the map] Hmm, despite the poor level of cartography on show, looks like we have our route, eh!

Pestilence: I'll try.

Darius: [Takes a quick look at the map] Hm. [Rubs his chin] I see. Well, it's just as well Harvey's travelling with you.

Charlie: [To Darius] Why is that just as well? [To Harvey, quickly] Beyond the obvious reasons, of course!

Darius: As the map indicates, it's very snowy up there, and freezing cold. You'll welcome the hot air.

Dur: Now matter HOW cold it gets, I assure you, the Colonel's flatulence will never be an acceptable source of warmth! [Aside to anyone who will listen] Old man farts are the worst!

Charlie: [Disgusted] Yes, thank you for that, Dur. [To Darius] If you can be of no more actual help, we shall be on our way, then!

Alice: [Wrinkles up her nose in disgust at Dur] You disgust me.

[Paaarp. ALICE lets loose an absolutely deafening fart.]

[All the party load onto the carriage, leaving DARIUS and PESTILENCE behind.]

Darius: [To Pestilence] Wanna [mimics someone playing a guitar, before then alternately doing a happy then sad face]

Pestilence: Yay! Charades! My favourite!

[The party pull away.]

Alice: So, Pesty and Darius are old friends? Weird, huh. I wonder what happened to them at Ixi?

Clint: Hell, it sounds like it was something so horrible, so awful, that Darius has blocked it out of his memory forever or something rather than risk ever reliving it.

Alice: Do you think they were boyfriend and boyfriend? It does seem like Pestilence stabbed him in the eye, so you know, it could be.

Charlie: [Enraged] He wouldn't dare! [Composes herself, embarrassed] That is to say, who could ever guess his reasons for doing anything? Now, group, weren't we following our map? [Waves the cocktail napkin]

Clint: I was thinking the same thing, Bimbo! Guess it must be true! [To Charlie.] Anyway, Sarge, we can follow a map and talk about the sex life of your demon lover at the same time.

Alice: [Turning around in the driver's seat to face Charlie] Yeah, what you think we are? Idiots?

[Crash! The party rear end another, much larger carriage.]

Clint: [Gets up off the floor of the carriage and extricates someone's foot from his ear.] Why the hell do we always let her drive? Group

pact: From now on, we let Harv drive!

Alice: Ew! My foot is all waxy!

[Enter KENNY OKSIMO, a man in a parka, that's zipped all the way up.]

Kenny: Hey! What the hell is wrong with you?

Kenny O=

Clint: [Helpfully.] Woman driver.

Kenny: My carriage is undrivable, look! [Points at the broken back axle] How am I supposed to deliver my ice now?

Harvey : Well damn and blast you man, what on earth were you doing leaving a broken carriage in the middle of the road?

Charlie: [To Kenny] Perhaps we can help! Where are you delivering this ice?

Kenny: I think you've helped enough, woman drivers! I was delivering this to some eskimos who live up on top of the mountain. Now how will they keep their drinks cool? How? How?

Charlie: [Soothingly] Poor man! Not to worry, we shall repair your carriage and deliver this ice to make up for the accident!

Kenny: How can you deliver the ice? Look at you, with your flimsy clothing, you'll freeze to death! No one in their right mind would venture up this mountain without protective clothing, and at least five spare coats in case of accidental coffee spillage or urine malfunction.

Harvey : Do you want our help our not, sir?

Dur: Right you are! Sorry we couldn't help! Shall we be on our way? [Aside to the group] I don't like ice.

Alice: Why? Too much like water?

Kenny: Okay, then, fix it!

[The back axle is clearly broken, and this carriage is going nowhere. Plus, the enormous block of ice is way too big for the party's carriage.]

Dom is still away?

Charlie: [To Austin, in a low voice] Excellent, get to it, Mr. Sleaze. I shall distract the driver. [To Kenny, gently pulling him away from the carriage] Now, we really should get all of the pertinent insurance information. Could we start with your maternal grandmother's name and place of birth?

Kenny: Why? Do you want to crash into her too?

[AUSTIN deftly slips around the far side of the carriage, and soon heads back to the party's one, weighed down with coats.]

Charlie: [To Kenny] One can never be too sure! [Spots Austin] Well, that should be all we need! You'll be hearing from our insurance company any day now, I expect. Do take care. Come along, group!

Harvey : [Loudly] And shift that wreckage out of the road before you cause even more damage to other honest travellers, what!

Kenny: I can't move it! The axle is broken!

Let us know when you're back, Dom.

Charlie: [Attempts to jump in the driver's seat] You misremember the situation entirely, further highlighting your unsuitability to driving!

Alice: [Dismayed at Charlie's agility] Bloody women!

[Everyone gets in, and, with a bit of to-ing and fro-ing, CHARLIE drives around the enraged KENNY.]

Alice: If it's so cold up there that we have to wear those coats, why was he bringing ice there?

Austin : [To Alice] There are many millions of stupid people in this world Alice, I expect that he was one of them.

Alice: Well, I bet it's not cold up here at all!

[About an hour later, after a long, steady climb, everyone is definitely feeling a chill from the elevation.]

Alice: [Teeth chattering] We better break out the parkas!

[The parkas that AUSTIN liberated all resemble the one that KENNY had, although are all quite a bit rattier and more well worn.]

Austin : [Dons the least stained parka, and helps Alice on with the next cleanest one] Perhaps they live underground, where it is warmer.

Alice: [Slips it on] Hey look! Mine has a cool yellow patch on the back!

Charlie: [Puts her hand over her nose] Why on earth did he urinate on his coats? Some sort of territorial marking ritual?

Alice: [Puts her hand in her pocket and looks disgusted] Maybe it was to mask the smell of the fish!

Dur: [Dons the rattiest parka] I don't smell anything...

[The carriage slows down as the party approach another carriage that has slid on the ice and has one wheel stuck in a ditch. Written on the back of it is "Saint Taints Orphan Property". There is what appears to be an old man trying to push it out of the ditch.]

Charlie: I suppose we had better stop and help, though I have never heard of a so-called "Saint Taint"! [Disapprovingly] Also, the grammatical error is troubling, but one tries to rise above such things in a time of crisis.

Austin : One would have thought that an orphanage would be able to field at least half a dozen orphans to help this old man. Perhaps this is a trap and there are others waiting to ambush us near by? [Looks around to see if there are any tell tail signs of an ambush]

[The old man turns and looks at the party. This is MOLD POLYP.]

Mold: [Glares at Austin] What do you mean "old man"? I'm a woman!

Mold Polyp

Austin : As you please. [Casts another look around for an ambush] Are you alone?

Mold: All alone in the world, caring for a bunch of ungrateful orphans, with no one to help me, stranded at the side of a road in freezing weather.

[The landscape is very rugged and there are very few trees around. If there is anyone hiding, they almost certainly have to be inside her carriage.]

[The carriage is stuck, although if everyone got out to help, they could probably move it.]

Mold: [Turns away from Clint for a moment] No! Don't hurt me!

Clint: C'mon, guys, give the ugly old lady a hand here.

shifting Mold's carriage free, she'll drive off with the one we're using.

[The party give a respectful round of applause.]

Mold: Typical! Applauding an old lady's misfortune!

Alice: Alright! Alright! I'll help. [Gets down]

Mold: [To Alice] You smell like pee.

Alice: That's because I have a fish in my pocket.

Hey! That's way better than what I was going to do!

Charlie: Come, group! We must assist this frail old thing, else our respective consciences will gnaw at us for hours! [Hops out to help]

Mold: Typical! You don't really want to help, you're only doing it because you'll feel bad otherwise.

Alice: [Looks at the sign on the back of the carriage] What grammatical err- oh! I see. I'll fix that for you. [Adds an apostrophe after the "Taints" so it now reads "Saint Taints'"]

Charlie: [Eyes Alice's "correction," highly unimpressed] Mm. [To Mold] Who is this "Saint Taint," by the way? I don't recall having read anything on such a person.

Mold: Probably because you are so selfish and self absorbed. Why would you know or care about about a lowly saint? Just because he cared for orphans? If you're like everyone else I've met, you'll probably want to just rob the supplies and let the children starve.

Charlie: [Offended] Why, we would do no such thing! Besides, what could possibly have of interest to us?

Mold: And so it begins! What treasures do I have that you can pillage, eh?

Alice: Oh my god! Let's just get her moving and get the hell out of here!

Dur: Besides that, I wouldn't let orphans starve! They are so much more tender when they have been fattened up first...

Mold: I might have known! You all have the look of baby eaters about you!

Alice: Can we PLEASE just push this thing out of here?

Dur: [Sighs] Whatever gets us on our way. [Steps out and begins pushing aimlessly]

Charlie: [To Dur, who is pushing at her back] Do stop that at once!!

Alice: [Panting] Hey! Come on! This carriage is really, really heavy. Well, at least, I suspect it is, but I'm only pretending to push.

[Eventually everyone lends a hand, and slowly the carriage moves off.]

Mold: [Blows some blue dust at the party] Hah! No, no you won't get to steal my precious cargo!

[Everyone is left coughing and spluttering, barely able to see, but MOLD leaps into her carriage and drives off.]

Dur: [Coughs] How rude! A face full of blue dust is definitely not the right reward for such an altruistic deed!

Alice: [Tasting some of it] Ew! Tastes like burn!

Charlie: [Sputters] How dare she! After we so graciously helped her. And before we had a chance to see what she was carrying that was so valuable! [Examines the blue dust]

Nope!

[It's starting to snow.]

Dur: [Shrugs] Why can't it be both?

Alice: Wow! [Gives Dur a big smile] That's the cleverest thing I've ever heard you say, Dur, well done! That was really, really smart! [Thinks for a moment] What was it again?

[Everyone loads into the carriage again, with CHARLIE driving once more.]

Clint: [Irked.] Okay, group pact: Next time, leave the ugly insane old witch on the side of the road, or possibly hijack her cargo and *then* leave her on the side of the road.

Dur: Quiet down Clint! [Points to Charlie] She's right there!

Alice: Leave him alone, Clint, not everyone can be as subtle as us. We can talk about [points at Charlie] you-know-who in a while.

[CHARLIE jams on the brakes, sending the carriage into a skid before hitting a man running across the road. He hits the windscreen with a sickening thud. This is DAYNIEL DANLEWIS. He is dressed for winter, and has a red cloak on over his clothes, similar to the ones worn by the JEROMITES.]

Dayniel

End of scene. Next one coming right up! We have a new player, Alain, who's coming in tomorrow. Please make sure he's on the distribution list from now on.

[Book VII, Act V, Scene III. The Scene of the Accident. ALICE, AUSTIN, CHARLIE, CLINT, DUR and HARVEY are here, in the carriage. Also here, sliding down the windscreen is DAYNIEL.]

Alice: Yikes! [Calmly] You know, I'd just like to point out, when I crashed into that carriage full of orphans, no one was hurt. Hardly.

Clint: Good point, Bimbo. From now on, the men drive! [Gets out of the carriage once more to check on Dayniel.]

Dayniel: [Leaps to his feet and does a double take on Clint] You! [Punches Clint hard in the face, knocking him to the ground]

Clint: What the hell? Do I know you, freak? [Rolls out of the way.] Step on it, Charlie!

Dur: [Squeels in delight when Clint gets punched in the face] Is this a new game? I wanna play! [Following Clint's advice, Dur steps on it. "It" being clint's foot and the "stepping" actually a stomping.]

Harvey : I say, that person certainly has a mean left hook, what! I assume they know each other!

[DUR leaps from the carriage and right onto CLINT's foot.]

Dayniel: [Deftly lights a canister of oil, despite the heavy snow falling] And I know you too, traitor! [Throws the oil at the carriage, which immediately catches fire]

Alice: [Warming her hands] On the plus side, I'm not as cold any more. On the minus, [cries in panic] we're all gonna die!

Charlie: [Leaps out of the carriage] Out of the carriage, group! [Picks up a rock and throws it at Dayniel] Why are you attacking us and destroying our property?!

Dayniel: She who consorts with the traitors will be judged as a traitor! [Looks back behind him in the direction from which he came before glancing back at the party] You will be the first against the wall when he rises again! [Starts to run off in the same direction he was going]

Alice: [Leaping out of the carriage] Phew! That was close. Aiieee! My arm is on fire! [Calms down] Oh. It's just a yellow stain on my sleeve. [Points at Dayniel] Let's get him!

Harvey : [Jumping off the carriage] By the saints, are we destined to meet nothing but lunatics on our travels! Quickly now, [points at the burning carriage] who has the marshmallows?

;; Out in meetings for the rest of the day!

Alice: [Through a mouthful of something white and marshmallowy] Idunno. [Swallows and draws her sword] That guy has them!

[The party give chase, leaving the burning carriage behind them. They are gaining on DAYNIEL, who clearly has been through some sort of fight recently, but soon spot a horseman approaching from behind at speed. This is TITUS OPIUS.]

Alice: Look! Who's that guy?

Titus Opius

> Alice: Look! Who's that guy?
pay the price! You only get to loot the dead if YOU KILL them!

Colin's gone for the day

[DAYNIEL gets to the edge of a huge ravine, and everyone skids to a halt a few feet from him.]

[Points at Titus] And some random idiot who will suffer for his

Gone for an hour

Austin : [Straightens the sleve of his parker] Perhaps he too was fire bombed by this psychopath. [Makes some notes] If he survives this he will get four years hard labour for damaging our property. [Watches Dayniel to see what he is going to do]

sorry for the low postage!

Dayniel: You may be sane, but Jerome will soon have the prophecy, and then you will be sorry!

Alice: Oh god, not another Jeromite! What will be do with him?

Austin : The only good thing about religious freaks is that they make the rest of us feel very sane [Puts on his smuggest look] and smug.

Dayniel: You may be sane, but Jerome will soon have the prophecy, and then you will be sorry!

Alice: Oh god, not another Jeromite! What will be do with him?

Charlie: [To Dayniel] We are already sorry, thanks to your reckless act of arson!

Dayniel: [Holds up a box that looks like it is holding a scroll] I have in my hand the translation to The Prophecy, [sneers at the party] just wait until you hear what it says about you!

Titus: [to Dayniel] I stopped being sorry when I was 13. Now you either jump or you give up. Although, I would like you to resist to give me a reason to burn you to a crisp.

thank you all for the welcome

Dayniel: For Clementine! [Jumps off the edge]

Titus: [approaches the edge of the cliff and looks down to see where Dayniel ended] Religious freaks. Life is worthless for them. [to the group but no one in particular] What the heck is the prophecy he is talking about?

Clint: [Slips back away from the edge.] Well, at least I don't have to push that bastard now... Anyone feel like climbing down to sort through the.... uh... remains and find out what was in the box? [Turns to Titus] Name's Clint. And we're wondering the same thing - that's why we're here!

[Everyone goes to the edge to look over, and see that there was a tiny ledge just below, that has a tree growing on it. DAYNIEL's boot is caught on a branch, and he is hanging off it. The ledge is about six feet down.]

Charlie: [To Titus, extending her hand] And I am Dr. Charlotte Parker-Kensington, Watcher and leader of this group! [Looks down at Dayniel] Curses! Can we reach him?

Dayniel: Keep away from me!

Clint: [Shrugs.] Suit yourself. C'mon, gang, let's leave him there. It's what the freak wants, after all.

Somewhere in there is a "leaving him hanging" joke, but...

Dayniel: How cowardly! Even though you know that I will almost certainly escape and come after you to kill you in the most gruesome fashion poss-

[Crack. The branch snaps, sending DAYNIEL plummeting down the mountain, smashing off various rocks and goats on the way down, eventually disappearing into the distance. There is no sign of the box he had.]

Titus:[to Charlotte]Hi Doc. I am Titus Opius. Resident vagabond and heart breaker [He check the woman head to toe until the branch breaks] One down. Millions to go. Any idea where the box is? Not that I care.

Alice: But where will we go? Our carriage has been destroyed, and it's snowing, and I think that yellow stain on my coat is pee! [To Titus] What's your story? If you were trying to kill that guy, I'm guessing you're not totally evil.

It's early for Alain!

Charlie: Curses! I wonder what he knew about the prophecy?

Alice: [Peering over] There are loads of marshmallows down there! [Looks closer] Oh, wait, that's snow.

Harvey : Perhaps we can collect the box when we're on our way back down, what. Onwards and upwards, troop!

Charlie: What a relief! One does grow tired of all of the evil-doers one meets in our line of work! Come, group, let us go to the town and seek a carriage--[adds dramatically] and ANSWERS!

Austin : [Ponders the drop] I wonder if we should try to sue his next of kin, for the damage done to our carriage.

Titus: Don't expect too many answers; it seemed like everyone was dead.

[The party trudge back across the snow, which is now falling pretty heavily. A quick examination of the carriage shows that most of the fire is out because of the snow, but it is a smouldering mess. The wind picks up, making conversation impossible, and it is a good hour before they see some lights in the distance.]

Alice: [Shouting to be heard] Thank God! It looks like we're here.

Austin : [Indignantly] Thank god? We should sue him for producing such awful weather!

Harvey : [Looking down the mountain] To hell with the box, that person had st down the mountain] Damn you!

Welcome Alain!

Titus: The tavern is all stocked and I could surely use a stiff one. Join me if you do not mind drinking among the dead, Men, women, children. Gutted. I found marshmallow man stealing from their bodies. I have limit. Only steal from the dead you killed.

Harvey : [Shivering] Any shelter is welcome shelter at this stage, troop, even if surrounded by the poor murdered townsfolk. No doubt yet another crime we will be blamed for! But surely one person could not destroy an entire town!

Austin : Charlie's boyfriend could probably do it. He does not seem to take much time to do anything. Is that not correct Charlie?

Titus: [chuckling and trying out hard not too laugh out loud] Poor Charlie. She should have know what his nickname of "minuteman" really meant. [to himself] Aaah.... So many women in needs, so little time ....

Austin : [To Titus] You know Pestilence?

Charlie: [Surveys the damage] But he promised he'd [huge emphasis] TRY not kill loads of people. Surely he would try a bit harder than this [gestures to the destruction], for me? [Crosses her arms and says huffily] And he isn't my boyfriend, nor does he go by any such nickname, as it would be most unsuitable for him.

Titus: [to Austin] Not at all. By I have seem the damages these men leave

in their wake: angry, frustrated, uptight, bitchy, unsatisfied women. Once you show them the way, it changes their lives. I guessed from the Doc behavior that she was in the first category.

Alice: Your first mistake, Titus, was believing anything that Dur said to you!

[The party are now in the village. It is tiny, with the two largest buildings being a tavern, that has lights on in it, and Saint Taint's Orphanage, which also has lights on in it, as well as the carriage from much earlier parked outside it.]

Alice: [Draws her sword as they approach the tavern] Better be ready for this, just in case there are more of them here.

Dur: [Takes up a defensive posture... Directly behind Alice] I totally agree!

Austin : [To Alice] Where did you get that sword from? [Glances at the others to see if they are armed]

Alice: I've had it for ages! We all got weapons from Pestilence back at the cottage.

[The door of the tavern opens from the inside. Enter FERRY MCBOBBIN, a man with a big smile.]

Ferry: Ha! I thought there might be someone out here. Come on in where it's warm, friends!

Ferry

Austin : [To Ferry] What happened here?

Ferry: It snowed. It often does up here because of the elevation. Come on in! [Cheerfully] Free hot drinks for all new friends!

Dur: Ummm... We were under the impression that everyone was dead...

Ferry: Oh, they were. Not any more though.

Charlie: And what are they now?

Austin : [Glances around, worriedly] They all look very dead to me.

Just to be clear, there's no sign of any dead bodies!

[MOLD, the old crone that the party helped at the bottom of the mountain appears in view, from inside the tavern. She has a big smile on her face.]

Harvey : Hmm. [Turns to Titus] I thought you said everyone was dead!

Charlie: [To Mold] You are looking quite well. [Uncertainly] Er, have you by chance just been killed and then restored to a state of bliss??

Mold: That's exactly what happened! Come on in, dear, you all look frozen.

Titus: [to Alice] My first mistake? I made my first mistake eons ago. Actually my middle name is mistake. [looks at Dr. Charlotte] Yep. Definitively high on the unsatisfied scale. [When Ferry invites them inside] Wait! Where were you a few minutes ago? Where are the bodies? What is going on?

Harvey : [Peering in] Well, they certainly don't look too traumatised by supposed murders and what not. However, on the other hand, they also look suspicously calm!

Ferry: I think you'd better come on in. Something wonderful has happened -- we were all brought back to life!

Alice: [To the party] Can we go in? It's freezing!

Harvey : [To Ferry] Well sir, that certainly is not the normal run of things, what! [Shivers again] Indeed dearest niece, that fire looks most inviting!

Austin : It is truly wonderful. How did it happen?

Dur: [Still looking nervous] Are we sure that these kind people are actually fully alive? Perhaps we should check for vital signs...

Harvey : How do you intend on doing that? By taking a bite out of them, no doubt?

Titus: [looking at Ferry with suspicion] Yeah. Like that! I smell a rat. [to Alice and Harvey] After you. [he positions himself at the door, not trusting these undead]

Ferry: [Laughs good naturedly at Titus] I know! It sounds weird, and I'd probably be suspicious too, but it's true.

[The party enter the bar. Aside from MOLD, there are three other customers inside, all of whom smile warmly at the party. They are KATIE HOLMLEY, BRYAN BEACREAST and JESSICA ELBA.]

Bryan: [Who's sitting nearest the fire] Please! [Gets up] Please, come and warm yourselves by the fire. [To Ferry] Barman! I'd like to buy these nice folks some drinks!

Katie: [Does a good natured pout] Aw! I wanted to buy them something, I'll get the second drink.

Mold: [To the others in the bar] See? I told you they were really nice! [To the party] I told everyone about how you helped me, and also about how ungrateful I was. Please accept my apology.

Katie

Bryan

Jessica

Dur: [Aside to the party] They are being so nice to us! It scares the crap outta me!

Alice: I know! There's something strange going on here. I know, let's test if they're zombies. [To Ferry] Could we have some raw brains please?

Ferry: Sorry, we don't serve raw brains here.

Alice: How about cooked brains?

Ferry: Nope, not cooked brains either.

Alice: What kind of brains do you serve?

Ferry: No brains.

Alice: [To the party] Well then, I guess we're okay then!

Katie: [Still smiling] There's nothing to be worried about. We were all dead, killed in a horribly gruesome way, but God saved us.

Charlie: [Whips out a notepad, poised to take notes] Oh, how splendid, I do so enjoy hearing about near-death religious experiences, particularly those involving a hallucinated deity! Describe this so-called God, won't you?

Harvey : [Bows to Katie] I see, indeed! Any was any reason given for your m

Titus: [rolling his eyes] like the gods would give a flying sh!t about a bunch of dead in the middle of nowhere. Now, [pointing at the two women], you are extremely attractive for dead women but I don't buy this gods crap. [pulls out a cigarette and lights it up]

Katie: [To Titus] God loves us, Titus. He loves us so much that he sent an angel down to bring us all back to life. [To Charlie, with a sweet smile] He told us you probably wouldn't believe, Charlie, but Titus saw that we were all dead, and yet here we are, alive and full of bliss.

Bryan: We didn't actually see God, but the angel was beautiful.

Harvey : And did this angel give a reason for filling you full of bliss? Infact, what is this bliss, eh?

Titus: [to Katie] Yeah right. Like an angel would care. Listen sweetie, I have been very close to an angel, actually a quarter - celestial and one

thing I learned: they do not give two hoots about humans. It is like the gods. They do exist but they do not care. So something foul is at play here baby.

Austin : Perhaps you could tell us which angel it was, some of them were nice, after all.

Katie: [Smiles at Titus] Yeah, I thought that too, until I met a real angel. [To Austin] His name is Methos. [Gives a shiver of excitement] He brought bliss to our little town.

Alice: [To the party] Doesn't sound like any angel we met.

The party have met several when they travelled back in time and met PhiThey can be seen by going to the cast page. The first one is Pan.

Austin : Methos. [Ponders, worriedly] Not any of the angels we have met, and his modus operandi does not fit that of an angel either. Infact this is more like the work of Pestilence, Contagion, or Trindle.

Mold: Oh no, Austin, you misunderstand. Methos didn't kill us, he brought us back to life. The men who killed us were all wearing red cloaks -- I hope you don't run into them, they are misguided, but violent.

Alice: You know, that guy who threw himself over the cliff was wearing a red cloak, and Titus here found him in the village.

Austin : [Waves a hand dismisively] Who knows, perhaps Aphi or Bjorseth made some new angels. Perhaps not. [Looks at the bar] Nunc est bibendum. [To the barman] Do you have a chilled bottle of Louis XIV perhaps?

Charlie: [Scribbling furiously] Fascinating! I don't suppose you know where these so-called angels went after you were resurrected, do you?

Ferry: [To Austin] I'm afraid not, friend, we've got nothing chilled as our delivery of ice never arrived in. [Gives a goofy grin] And, of course, we don't have any Louis XIV, we don't get much call for it up here. How about a beer or some cheap and nasty wine?

Mold: [To Charlie, with a smile] Poor Charlie, unable to accept that a state of Bliss is attainable on earth. Don't worry, though, God still loves you. He loves you too, Austin, and you, Harvey, and Clint and Dur and Titus.

Alice: What about me?

Mold: Actually, he's a bit embarrassed by your slutty appearance.

Alice: Hey!

Mold: [Laughs] Just joking! He loves you too, Alice. We all do. [To Charlie] He went upwards. [Juts her thumb up towards the top of the mountain] Spreading love, no doubt.

Titus: [takes a puff out of his smoke and looks angrily at the old hag] Take you love and shove it where the sun don't shine. These people are undead and likely controlled by evil. Time to cleansed them. May a fireball would do. In a close area. Perfect. [He pronounce a few arcane words and a ball of fire appears in his hand]

Ferry: Relax, Titus. We understand that you can't appreciate our bliss because of your own troubles, but don't fear what you don't understand. However, if you want to kill us, then do so, because death holds no fear for us, but think about the people that you will deny the world if you do so.

Alice: [Jumps back from Titus] Woah! Let's all calm down!

Dur: And besides that, where will we sleep and regroup if you burn this place to the ground!

Titus: [to Dur] You want to sleep in an undead infested inn? What are you a necrophiliac or something? [the little ball of fire disappears from his hands] I still believe we are at risk. The religious nutcase freaks, willing to die so easily are dangerous. May be I should blow out the place.

Austin : [Calmingly] We have not yet established if they are religous. We have all met Phili and Seth and his angels, and seen many wonderous feats performed by them, but we are not religous. [To the inn people] Are you religious? Do you pray etc?

Alice: Just be glad he doesn't want to eat them! [To Ferry] How come you know our names?

Ferry: Methos told us.20

Harvey : Really? And did he tell you why he told you? Our names, that is.

Ferry: Because if he didn't, we wouldn't know you when you arrived. He told us that Titus would probably come back with you, and that you might think we were zombies, or even that we were dead. If everyone in the village was dead, we wouldn't be able to give you directions.

Bryan: [To Austin] Nah, we don't pray. I don't think God really cares about people praying to him. Oh, and we're talking about God, not Phili. If believing in God means we're religious, then religious we are. Come on in, Austin, the water is fine!

Bryan's assertion that Phili is not God is in direct contradiction organized religion in the Realms. However, when the party traveled way back in Book IV, Act V, they met Phili and Seth as real men, which suggested that Phili almost certainly is not a god. That said, in their own time, he certainly seemed to be a god.

Charlie: [To Bryan] Are you saying you no longer believe in Phili? What more can you tell us about this God? And how do you know he is different than Phili?

Austin : Water? [Look around] Where? [Frowns. Then to Charlie] We already know that Phili is not god. Just because he does not die like normal people does not make him a god. [Shrugs] Just think of how many times I have died, yet here I am. [Smirks] Unless you already think that I am a god, which I can understand. [Adds] I am not a god by the way.

Alice: That's okay, Aus. No one thinks you're a god!

Bryan: Sure we believe in Phili, it's just that now we know he's not a god. We know he's different to God because Methos told us. [Gives a warm smile] God is love, Charlie, and that's all you need to know.

Titus: [spits before taking another smoke] I don't believe in gods. I know they exist through divine magic but I have no need nor use for them.

Bryan: I'm sure events in your life have made you that cynical, and just because you think you have no need for them doesn't mean that you don't.

Alice: And what directions are you supposed to give us?

Ferry: [With a huge smile] Directions to Ixi, of course. It's the place everyone wants to go to!

That's the monastery that Darius told the party they needed to find

Patrons: [Raising their glasses] To being nice!

Harvey : Indeed, sir! And what further information can you give us? Regarding our route to Ixi?

Clint: And what the hell do you hippie freaks mean by "not in our dimension?" We're not gonna have to time travel again or anything stupid like that, are we?

Ferry: Oh no, my friend, nothing at all like that, don't worry. [Gives a big toothy grin] Actually, it's exactly like that. Ixi is in a different dimension, and the difficulty is finding the gate to that dimension. That's why those others killed us, they were trying to force us to tell them where it is.

Harvey : I say, that was a bit bad form of them, the cads! And did anyone blab the location of this gate?

Katie: I did.

Bryan: And me.

Ferry: [Nods] Me too.

Charlie: Well, that isn't great, I must say. Would you please give us the directions, as well? And ideally any tips or shortcuts for reaching it quickly?

Austin : Sedan chairs?

Ferry: If only! It's dark now, so it's far too treacherous, but let me draw you a map.

Ferry: [Hands it over] Here you go. You're more than welcome to stay in the tavern tonight. [Gives an even bigger grin than normal] It's free for people that God loves.

Austin : [Carefully] And does God love us?

Katie: God loves everyone!

Harvey : Hmm, if these cads already know the location of the gate to the temple, then we have not a moment to lose! [Looks longingly at the fireplace]

Katie: Don't worry, Harvey. That's not the location of the gate to the temple, it's the location of the Serpent Cave. The entry to the temple is deep inside there, and the others didn't get any information on how to navigate the caves.

Ferry: [Nods] In fact, that's why that one guy that Titus gave chase to came back. Most of his friends were killed in the cave, [frowns] it's sad really, because they are just misguided, [back to his normal demeanour] but you guys, on the other hand, will be given the necessary information.

Charlie: Splendid! Now perhaps we should have some food and rest before we set out?

Austin : [Agreeing with Charlie] Indeed, I am still badly wounded from our last litte skirmish! [Looks pained.. To Katie] You don't happen to be a nurse do you?

Katie: I'm afraid not, but Mold is.

Mold: [Smiles at Austin with a big, toothless grin] I can cure what ails ya!

Ferry: [To Charlie] Excellent! All the rooms are empty, so why don't you pick one each? I know you probably want a little privacy to discuss what happened here, so I'll bring some food up to you.

Austin : Why that is most kind of you. I suppose that I could try a beer too, I have heard that it is a little like champagne, but not nearly as good. Do you have champagne, perchance?

Ferry: I'll see what I can do!

Mold: I'll dig out a healing potion for you and send it up with Ferry.

Alice: Well? Do we think they're crazy?

Titus: [reluctantly enters the room and follow the group] I smell a rat. [Marco his pet rat show up]No. Not you. [looks at Katie and Jessica] So you think you can show me some of that LOVE you talk about?

Austin : Well, it is all relative really. After all, you are asking a group of people who recently were nearly killed watching a bunch of cult leaders smuggle themselves inside a giant golden unicorn into another cult leader's private quarters. [Sighs] What is sane?

Katie and the others stayed downstairs

Titus: [stays silent. He is clueless about what others are talking about and does not care about it. He lights up another smoke and waits.]

Alice: Well, Titus? Were they really dead when you were here?

Titus: yep! As dead as one can be. Blood and guts. Men. Women. Children. All dead.

Alice: Huh. Insane or not, they seem to be telling the truth about what happened. The question is why would someone resurrect all of them?

Harvey : But have all of them been resurrected, dear niece, or only those few we saw downstairs?

Dur: Perhaps we should investigate? Obviously it is too dark to head for the temple, but it can't be dark to navigate the twon and look for clues.

Alice: True. It is a very small town.

[There's a knock on the door. Enter FERRY with a huge tray of sandwiches and drinks.]

Ferry: Here we go! Nothing too fancy, I'm afraid, but it'll keep you going. [Hands a potion to Austin] Here you go, a healing potion.

Titus: Anyone here knows the detect poison spell?

Dur: But of course! [Snatches the potion and takes a sip, raising an eyebrow as he waits to see if it is indeed poisoned]

Titus:[shaking his head in disbelief]I meant the food and drinks .....

Dur: Oh! I should have known better! [Prompted by Titus, Dur takes a bite from each sandwich and a drink from each mug, 'testing' for poison. Then turning back to Titus with a mouthful of food and drink, some of it spattering as he talks] Is that better?

Alice: Oh great! Now it all really is poisoned!

[Everyone looks closely at DUR. He doesn't appear to be poisoned.]

Charlie: Well done, Dur! [Tosses Dur a copper piece] Let us feast, group!

Harvey : Not so fast troop! He's just swallowed a healing potion. Surely that would negate the effects of the poison, no?

Alice: Unless it too was poison! [Looks at the sandwich she's about to eat] I suppose the only way to be sure is to have him check the food again.

Titus: [shakes his head in disgust and pulls out a beef jerky out of his backpack]

Austin : [Takes his healing potion back and sniffs it] That was my healing potion! I am the one with the grievous wound remember! Are you trying to get me killed?

Dur: [After taking several more 'testing' bites just to be safe, he turns back to Austin] It's no problem Austin! Just let this Doc take a look at what ails you! [Interlocks the fingers of both hands and stretches them, palms out, cracking his knuckles.] Ouch! Son-ov-a that stings!

[Most of the healing potion still remains, and about half of each sandwich remains.]

Alice: [Holding up a sad and tattered sandwich] I see. [To the party] Well? Are we going to check out the rest of the town?

Austin : [Downs his healing potion] Why not, the people do seem to be most helpful [Takes a half sandwhich and carefully nibbles at the untouched areas]

Alice: Do we tell them that we don't believe them? Or will we sneak out? I'm sure I could climb out that window and shimmy down, but I don't think the rest of you could. [Opens the window to look, only to receive a face full of snow as she does so] Glug! Brr!

Clint: Hell, worse comes to worst we could make a rope out of some bedsheets and get out that way. [Looks around and grabs the least-eaten sandwich.]

Titus:[to the group but no one in particular, while eating his beef jerky]What is it that you are actually trying to do here? Some holy sacred mission? Or to gather gold and the pleasure of the flesh while annoying toe but does not show an expression on his face]

Alice: We're on a mission to save the world. We're not sure from whom, but it's either HARMA, Clementine, Jerome or a combination of all three.

Clint: Don't forget to add that we didn't exactly volunteer for this, it just sort of happened. Again. Second time this year!

Titus: So not for the gold, or the fame and whatever else goes with it? Strange. I understand the need to stop HARMA but Jerome? Isn't he a great man who save the world from the 4 horsemen a few years back?

This is the common belief in the Realms, that Jerome saved the world, and the party were just his side kicks

Titus: [to Alice]OH come on! YOU were his sidekicks? Yeah right. No one ever heard of you. And you are so powerful you can stop someone like him? Give me a break. You may be cute and know it, but you don't strike me a world saver.

Alice: [Glares at Titus for a moment] What? You think I'm really cute? [Big smile] Aw! Thanks, Tites! [To the others] Right. Window or door?

Charlie: [To Titus] We have SO saved the world, and quite a few times! Though it may appear that everyday life comes close to overwhelming some of us on a regular basis, we in fact fight as a well-tuned machine against the forces of evil!

Alice: [Elbows Titus, whispering] She means me!

Titus: I'm sure. [To the party] Well? Will we investigate the rest of the town?

Harvey : Absolutely, what! And I think perhaps window is the more stealthy option!

Titus:[to Alice]Yes, I can see that. And you know you are cute. Why else would you dress the way you do? [to Charlotte]I guess I should not judge a spell book by its cover, right. [to Harvey]How about we split? Some use the door and some the windows to confuse the undeads?

Charlie: Goodness, no! Never split the party, I always say. We don't know what we'll find out there. I agree with the Colonel that windows seem the wisest course.

[Exit ALL, through the window, using a rope affixed to some heavy furniture.]

End of scene, next one coming right up

[Book VII, Act V, Scene IV. The Blizzard. ALICE, AUSTIN, CHARLIE, CLINT, DUR, HARVEY and TITUS are here, having just descended to the ground. The wind is very strong and it is bitingly cold. There are a few houses nearby with lights on, and the largest building, the orphanage, also has some lights on.]

Alice: [Shouting to be heard over the wind] Which one will we check out?

Austin : [Points to the Orphanage and sneaks over to it]

Harvey : Indeed, that will be our first port of call! [Starts walking towards the orphanage]

[The party head to the orphanage. It is so dark and cold that there is no one else out, so they get there without any trouble. A quick peek in through the windows reveals that there are children asleep in some of the rooms.]

Charlie: [Looking through the window] Well, I don't think we should risk startling these children. [Looks for other windows] Are any of these rooms empty?

Alice: Maybe they're dead? Then we wouldn't disturb them?

[There is at least one window to a room that seems to be empty.]

Austin : Let's check [Swiftly and stealthily checks around the building, looking much too professional]

Titus: [watching Austin looking professionally stealthy]Does he go after group members gold pouch?

Charlie: Not that I'm aware of! Come, group, let us enter through the empty room and investigate the situation here.

[Within seconds, AUSTIN has the window open, and everyone climbs into what looks like a small office.]

Clint: [To Titus.] Nah, but he might try to sue the gold out of you! [Looks around the office for a desk he can force his way into.]

Harvey : Does it strike anyone else as odd, that a small town of this size, located in the middle of nowhere, would have an orphanage?

Charlie: [Nearly giddy with excitement] I'll check the files! [Digs into a filing cabinet]

Titus: Not stranger that the fact that the town is full of friendly and smiling undead.

Alice: Are they undead or not dead? [To Harvey] Maybe, but it was here before Titus found all the bodies, surely?

[CLINT rifles through the files, and there seems to be information about children staying at the orphanage. They are all such. There doesn't seem to be anything out of the ordinary.]

Clint: All looks pretty normal to me! Though now I wonder if Timmy didn't mastermind the whole dead townsfolk thing. Maybe we should try a building for adults next time we look for clues about that?

Harvey : I think we should make sure that these children are indeed, safe, sound and asleep before moving on.

[The door opens. Enter NOEL ENTRY, a security guard.]

Noel: [With a big smile] Hi everyone!

Noel Entry

Harvey : Er, hello. I suppose you're wondering what we're doing here?

Noel: I kind of am, actually. My guess is that you're the Queens View guys and Titus, and you're trying to figure out if everyone was brought back to life. [Looks around, with an enthusiastic smile] How'd I do?

Charlie: Rather well, in fact! Also, we do so enjoy watching sleeping children. It's quite restful. Do you mind if we take a peek at the little dears?

Noel: Are you sure you don't want to make sure that they are alive and not some sort of crazed zombie children who will sneak into your hotel room and eat your brains while you sleep?

Dom is out today

Titus: [to Noel with a mockery tone in his voice] So how does it feel to be an undead?

Noel: [Gives Titus a big smile] Understanding.

Charlie: [To Noel] So it seems. Everyone in this town seems most accommodating. With that said, might we go take a look at those children, as we discussed?

Noel: Sure! As long as you're not going to steal any of them!

[NOEL escorts the party down a hallway and opens a door to a small dormitory. There are eight young children here, all asleep. They certainly seem to be breathing.]

Dur: [Hastily puts his 'kidnap sack' away] No, of course not, don't be absurd!

Alice: They certainly seem to be alive. There's only one way to be sure, though. Dur, do you think they're alive?

Titus: Why so many orphans in such a tiny village? What do you do to the parents? Sacrifice them to your undead gods?

Dur: I can check [Looks thoughtful as he checks the vital signs of the children]!

Noel: [Big smile at Titus] Heh! No, my friend, it's just that we're at the intersection between six large towns. It's the cheapest place that's close to them all.

[The children certainly seem to be alive.]

Noel: Anything else I can do for you folks?

Clint: Explain in your own words how and why this whole messed up living dead thing happened?

Noel: An angel came and brought us all back to life. [Gives a huge smile] Can you feel our bliss?

Austin : I can see it, but I am not at all sure that I want to feel it, thank you. These things always come with a cost.

Noel: That's what I would have thought too, but this bliss comes from God's love, so there's no catch.

Alice: [Aside, to the party] Other than wandering around with a weird smile all the time!

Charlie: How nice for you! Then you wouldn't mind if we look around a bit, then? Perhaps take a look at some of the other buildings?

Austin : [To Noel] Which God do you refer to? It might make more sense to us if we have some idea about which god you are talking about.

Titus: Like a god would spend the time and energy to resuscitate a bunch of commoners in the middle of nowhere. Now tell me, if that god of yours cared so much about you to stay alive, why the heck he let you being massacred in the first place?

Noel: [To Austin] There is only one god. [To Titus] I don't know, my friend, but I'm sure he had a good reason. I don't think he generally interferes with things on earth, though. And it wasn't god who resurrected us, it was an angel, called Methos. [To the party in general] Please, feel free to look around. What's ours is yours. You won't find any locked doors here, not any more.

Clint: Can you describe this Methos, so we'll know him in case we see him?

Noel: He glowed with warmth; his serenity and love was like a beacon amongst all the death.

Colin's away today

Titus: I think this is a cult. You ask them logical questions that disprove their belief and replies that their gods love you. I think I should have send a fireball and send these undead back to where they belong. May be I should start here. [look at the security guard] I heard your god and angel talking to me. They say you need yourself to save the children. Go ahead, fall on your sword.

Clint: [Firmly.] Leave the crazy insane cult lunatic alone. He takes care of kids in an orphanage, for Phili's sake! [To Noel.] But no

Titus: [to Clint in a mocking voice] So GENIUS, how to you know he does not plan to feed the orphan to his god? You heard voice in your head? You got converted? May be you got saved, GENIUS. [shakes his head in disbelief and walk away turning his back to the warrior]

Noel: That's okay, I understand that his anger is fuelled by fear and ignorance. I was unhappy too, before I realised that god loves me so much.

Alice: [To the party] I don't think we're going to get much more here -- seems like he's sticking to the party line.

Charlie: Indeed! Typical of most religious organizations. Perhaps we'd best do a bit of exploring on our own, if possible? [To Noel] Well, you've been splendid, but we must be on our way!

Harvey : Just a moment, the party line may be known by the adults, but I wonder if we'll get the same response from these little ones [gestures towards the children] Let's wake one to find out. But not the whiny one!

Noel: Ah, you must mean Billy! Don't worry, since Methos came, he's a very bllissed child. Come on, I'll show you.

[NOEL wakes one of the children. This is BILLY KIDD.]

Billy: [Slowly waking up] What time is it? [Straightens up and gives a big smile] Ah! It's time for bliss! Hello Noel! [To the party] Hi!

Billy Kidd

Austin : Well they have the brain washing of innocent children part excellently worked out, if indeed they are a cult. But where are the cultish mobs? Where is the chant of ridiculous mantras or prayer?

Noel: [Smiles at Austin] Ah! You're still thinking in terms of false gods. God doesn't need mobs, cultish or otherwise, and I don't think he particularly likes mantras or prayer. He just wants us to treat everyone with understanding.

Alice: [To Austin] This "god" person sounds like a dangerous radical to me!

Austin : [To Alice, slightly alarmed] So you are considering joining him already!

Harvey : [To Billy] Tell us about the angel, young man.

Charlie: [To Billy] Yes, and do try not to smile so much. It can't possibly be good for you!

Alice: [To Austin] Certainly not!

Billy: He was really neat, he told us that there's no point in complaining unless you do something about it yourself. I want to be an angel when I grow up. Well, either that or a tree.20

Austin : [In a jovial and friendly manner] Fine ambitions for a young man like yourself! May I enquire as to what species of tree you aspire to be?

Charlie: What was that in reference to, young man? Who was complaining?

Titus: [stay silent. Roll his eyes and shakes his head each time bliss or god is mentioned]

Harvey : Wise words indeed from the angel! However, I'm sure being murdered is a fair cause for complaint, what!

Dur: Boy is it! That's what most of my patients complain about!

:to;

Billy: Before I found bliss I often complained about being cold or hungry, but now I know it's not Mold's fault or Noel's fault.

Noel: We weren't too happy about it at the time, but really, once you've attained bliss, these kinds of things don't matter so much. Our murderers were misguided and nothing more.

Harvey : Misguided they certainly were! So, does this bliss remove all of your concerns? For example, if you were attacked again, would you just stand there and do nothing as you are mown down?

Noel: Of course. God loves us. If we die, we will get to be with him all the time.

Titus:[to Noel with a sarcastic tone]So why don't you do us a favor and kill yourself? Isn't your goal in life to be with your idol that "loves" you? [turns around]I am going to get sick.

Austin : [A little annoyed, to Titus] My my you are a bundle fun to be with. Why should these nice people not be happy. We are forever meeting unhappy people, murderers, bureaucrats, demons, cults etcetera. You should be happy to meet some happy people for a change! [To Noel] Please excuse our rather agressive associate.

Charlie: [To Titus] I quite agree! Clearly these people are mere simpletons, easily led into believing any absurd thing, and you must show them more compassion. And do let them have their idiotic joy, for it surely must help soothe the emptiness in their lives! [Smiles to Noel encouragingly]

Noel: [Holds a hand up to the party] That's okay, we all figured that people would find our bliss difficult to understand, and he did ask a fair question. [To Titus] God wants us to live life to the fullest, and to help others live their lives. Suicide would just be selfish. We want to help spread bliss.

Titus:[to Austin]Do you have any idea the amount and the power of magic needed to bring back all these undead back to life? Of course not. So anyone or anything who does it has an agenda. And it is surely not love. If it loved them why did it let them die in the first place? And why did it resuscitate them if they were they suppose to be where they die? [shaking his head]What am I doing discussing logic with religious freak. [lights up a cigarette]

Noel: Poor Titus. Wait until you truly experience love; then you'll know that no agenda is needed. God resurrected us to help you. Normally he doesn't get involved in things on earth, but this time he did. And he did it to help you, Titus, and your new friends.

Clint: Yea, God's groovy that way. [Pauses to think.] Hey, kid, want a free checkup? Doc here probably won't accidentally kill you doing it, and if he does, you'll just end up with God anyway! [To Dur.] Can you tell if anything's wrong with these people?

Also, that is indeed truly frightening, in a "I'm now 100% absolutely for all time not having kids" kind of way.

Titus: [smiling at Noel]I have forgotten more about love than you will learn in your lifetime. Actually lifetimes because you are an undead after all.

Billy: [Brightly] Sure!

Noel: Poor Titus. I'm sure you believe that.

No posting from me tomorrow or Thursday!

Harvey : [To Dur] Right then, make sure the young chap is all ship shape!

Austin : [Looks deeply offended by Titus] If there was a god he would not have given you a mouth. Idiot. [Rolls his eyes]

Dur: [Put his ear to the boy's ear] Hey I can hear the ocean! [Does a few m

ore checks, including casting Detect Magic and Detect Evil; http://dungeons

.wikia.com/wiki/DnDWiki:Cleric_Spells] The fact that he isn't moaning 'braaaaiiiiinnnnnnsssss' is a good sign.

Likewise I will be out tomorrow and Friday for the American Thanksgivin

Harvey : Well, that's good enough for me, troop!

Clint: There, see? Not an undead. Because he doesn't eat brains.

[DUR seems satisfied with the result of his spell casting.]

Noel: Okay, so, unless there's anything else I can help you folks with, we better let Billy get back to sleep. He has a busy day tomorrow -- those brains won't just eat themselves, you know! Only joking!

Charlie: [To Billy] Could you describe Methos for us? And perhaps tell us a bit about your experience in meeting him, as we understand it changed you profoundly. It would be ever so helpful.

Austin : [Brightly] oh, and what is on tomorrow that will keep these youngsters so very busy?

Billy: He smelled like warm. He's really friendly!

Billy: Being helpful, trying to be kind, that sort of thing.

Austin : [Sighs in relief] Well that is just splendid. What a nice place this is! [Beams a big smile]

Noel: It sure is! It's just a pity you can't stay.

Harvey : Indeed so, we've disturbed these tots enough for one night. Let us move on.

Alice: Where next? Back to the tavern?

Austin : [Rolls his eyes] Back to the bottle, Alice?

Alice: I find it makes my more obnoxious colleagues easier to take. Also, it's 1am now and we need to sleep b

Harvey : Eh? Sleep B? Whatever do you mean, dear niece? But I agree, we should return and get some rest. It'll be a long day tomorrow

MARGIN-TOP: 0px; MARGIN-BOTTOM: 0px } --> asier to take. Also, it's 1am now and we need to sleep ver do you mean, dear niece? But I agree, we should return and get some rest. It'll be a long day tomorrow

Tel: +353 1 865 7800

Tel: +353 21 435 0073
D

Tel NI: +44 28 90 730156

Alice: I think you definitely need some rest, Uncle H! Right, do we climb back in the window or in through the front door?

Charlie: We may as well go through the front door, given how ineffectual our attempts at stealth have been!

Austin : [Nods in agreement with Charlie] For once, Charlie, you are correct. Better to go through the front door in style, than to fail abysmally at sneaking in through the window, not including myself or yourself in the latter, naturally.

Alice: [Nods along with Austin] Good idea, Aus, we are crap, after all.

[The party get to the tavern, staggering through the freezing snow that's blowing all around. After what seems like an eternity, they finally pull the door open. Inside are FERRY MCBOBBIN, MOLD POLYP, KATIE HOLMLEY, BRYAN BEACREAST and JESSICA ELBA, the same people who were there earlier. They give a cheer when the party arrive in.]

Ferry: Come in! Come in! You must be freezing! We have hot soup for you!

Charlie: [To the party] Well, when in the land of the cheery undead! [To Ferry] That would be wonderful, [hopefully] though I would prefer cucumber sandwiches with the crusts cut off?

Ferry: [Brightly] I'll see what I can do!

Bryan: [In a friendly tone] Well? Happy now that you've had a chance to look around?

Charlie: Everything certainly appears just as you described! What happens next for all of you? Will life go on as it did before, or are you filled with new purpose?

Harvey : The only purpose they seem to have is to make soup and be cheery to strangers, what!

Alice: [Holds up a sandwich] Don't forget that they make sandwiches too!

Mold: We're going to go and spread the word of our bliss! Can you just imagine how everyone will react when they hear how much God loves them?

Harvey : I believe sir, that we can indeed imagine. Infact, you can take our reaction to the news as an example.

Mold: Er, that's madam, and, although it is a little disappointing, it misinformed view of God. Still, that's not for you to worry about, not with the journey you have ahead of you.

Austin : [Sighs] Unfortunately, scepticism and suspicion are all too necessary in these times. [Brightens up] Fortunately most of the population cannot even spell them, so you may be all right.

Ferry: [Returning with some cucumber sandwiches with the crusts cut off] That's the spirit, Austin! Now, you guys better eat up and get to bed. Tomorrow will be a tough day.

Austin : Nibbles at a cucumber sandwich] Why such a tough day? Is the track bumpy?

Titus: [observe in silence the proceeding, staying away from the sandwiches and not getting close to any of the reborn dead villagers]

Austin : [To Noel] Don't mind Titus, despite all of the macho posturing he is quite terrified of you all, the ladies most of all I think. [Winks at Katie]

Katie: [Giggles coquettishly] Don't worry, Austin. Most suspicion is motivated by fear. He didn't choose to be like this, and God still loves him.

Ferry: Tomorrow you go to the gate to Ixi. I can only think of one person who successfully got through it.

Alice: What happened to the others who tried? Did they give up and go home?

Ferry: [Gives a big grin] That's not really important. What's important is that you guys will be successful.

Charlie: [To Ferry] Yes, no doubt we will succeed, but it would help us better prepare to know what happened to the others. Forewarned is forearmed and that sort of thing.

Austin : [To Ferry] Are you referring to that Jeromite that we met fleeing this place with a translation of the prophecy?

Harvey : [Wolfing into a sandwich] Thank you for the vote of confidence, but how can you be so sure? Perhaps we too, will get tired, give up and go home?

Ferry: No, Austin, the only person who successfully entered through this grate is a very misguided young man named Darius.

Mold: [A little misty eyed] He broke my heart, but he showed me a brief glimpse of joy in an otherwise bleak existence that seemed hollow and empty until I found my bliss.

Ferry: [Holds up a piece of paper] The cave that holds the gate contains some traps. This will give you some clues on how to get through them.

Dur: [Sounding hopeful] Well at least we know it is possible to make it through the gate if Darius has accomplished it already.

Katie: [Helpfully] Although, several of the traps were installed after his visit to make it more difficult for people to get in there.

Harvey : And those, probably by Darius himself, what! [Looks at the piece of paper]

[HARVEY holds the paper so everyone can read it. It says "Take God's path; take the devil's path, and hide beneath the shade of night to enter the shimmering wall."]

Alice: That's about as clear as Charlie's map of the snowy mountains!

Harvey : [Exasperated] Even more riddles what! Can you just not tell us, in as plain and straightforward a way as possible?

Ferry: I'm afraid not, Harvey, none of us have ever been there.

Clint: On the bright side, God loves us and will bring us back if we get one of the clues wrong, right?

Ferry: That's true, God loves you.

Charlie: Well, that's wonderfully reassuring, isn't it?! I suppose we should be on our way, then. Have you any supplies we could take to aid us in our journey? We would be most grateful!

Harvey : By the saints, girl, your enthusiam is admirable! But I think we should all get a good nights sleep and set out first thing in the morning, after a hearty breakfast, of course!

Austin : Perhaps you could arrange some insurace for us, I am quite sure that ours has lapsed.

Ferry: You are insured, my friends. The payout is eternal salvation and bliss, and your premium is to try your best to do good in the world. With God as your underwriter, life is a certainty!

[The blissed villagers all cheer and clap, but the party just look at them blankly.]

Alice: Let's go to bed.

End of scene, next one coming right up!

[Book VII, Act V, Scene V. The Tavern. ALICE, AUSTIN, CHARLIE, CLINT, DUR, HARVEY and TITUS are here, having just come downstairs in the morning. Down below is FERRY, who has laid out a generous breakfast. There is also a pile of coats, some weapons and various supplies.]

Austin : [Surveying] And a jolly good mornig to you! [To the party, nodding towards the weapons] Those will be some insurance at least.

Charlie: Yes, what a comfort in these uncertain times! Now, then--shall we load our supplies and make ready for this trip, at last?

Ferry: [Takes out a fairly detailed map] Okay, here are the directions to the cave. You need to go through it and somewhere deep inside is a portal to Ixi. The weather is very severe, so make sure you head straight to it. When you get to Ixi, well, [his ever present smile flickers for once] just be careful not to dip into temptation too much.

Charlie: What sort of temptation do you mean?

Ferry: Temptation to hurt God. Ixi is at a dimensional crossroads, there are all sorts of [waves his hands around vaguely] weird things floating around. If you get drenched by the darkness, you will carry its seed.

Alice: [To Charlie] I think he's talking about you and Pestilence!

Charlie: [Gasps] You're not, are you?! [Touches her stomach anxiously]

Ferry: [Gives Charlie a big grin] No!

Austin : Although, who knows [Looks at Charlie's stomach]

Dur: [With a mouth full of breakfast already] Is they don't mean Pestilence, then what DO they mean?

Harvey : Perhaps we will each be tempted by something tempting. As part of the test! [Gobbles up a mouthful of breakfast] I say, that wasn't a part of the test, was it?

Austin : No colonel, I do not believe that it was, but it may well be a similar test involving gourmet cuisine that you do have to overcome.

Titus: [eats in silence his own food, staying away from the undead made fare. Sporadically feeds cheese to his pet rat]

Alice: Well, Titus, you've brought such sunshine into our lives, do you fancy coming along? [To the others] He did help us, after all.

Titus: Well, I could stay here with the undead and would likely send them back to the afterworld where they belong. Or I could continue my road to nowhere. Or I could follow you to a dangerous gate to a dangerous world for a prophecy I know nothing about. Actually, the idea of giving in to temptation does intrigue me. So if you want me along, I will come.

Austin : You should come with us, we will probably find you some thing to ill that needs to be killed. A much better past time than murdering Innocent people.

Titus: It is not murder if they are already dead. And undead are not innocent people.

Austin : They are not undead!

Ferry: Forgive him, Austin, he fears what he doesn't understand.

Charlie: Perhaps not in all cases, but surely these people are well-meaning, though tedious?

Titus: Yeah. And god loves you and other BS. Blah. Blah. Blah. Whatever!

Alice: And this food hardly tastes poisoned at all!

Titus: [laughing hard]Yeah. ME not understanding magic. It is like Austin you are right on target. I do not understand. [big smile and a demented look on his face and a really dumb voice] god loves me and Austin .....

Ferry: [Smiles] Now you're getting it!

Alice: What does promiscuous mean?

Charlie: [To Titus, angrily] We do appreciate your assistance, but you really must cease insulting the members of this party if you expect to travel with us!

Titus: [laughing so hard, he nearly start crying] Alice, if I could, I would kiss you! [His pet rat runs back into the pouch]

Dur: Hey! Since when has THAT been a rule?

Alice: It's okay, Dur, people are allowed to insult you!

Harvey : [Angrily, spraying food from this mouth] Just who the hell do you think you are sir! We neither have use nor need for you!

Titus: Of course you have no use for me. I saw how well you handled the religious freak that burned down your carriage. And of course, you would not need an arcanist. And who the hell I am? Titus Opius, at your service, SIR! [winks at the military man]

Alice: [Whispers to the others] Is he trying to hit on Uncle Harvey?

Austin : [To Titus] Well I'd rather be a weasel than a pompous ass like like you.

Titus: [to Austin, in a serious tone] At least, we both know who you REALLY are .....

Alice: But we don't really know who you are, Titus, other than the fact that you seem to hate everything and everyone.

Clint: [To Alice] Yes. So he and the lawyer really should get along a lot better! [Gnaws on some curried snake's feet.] Guys, can we hold the arguing until after I've had my breakfast?

Titus: [to Alice, then the group in a very grave and serious voice] This is a very good question. I do not hate everything and everybody. I just have no patience for authority, hierarchy, religion and law. I have seen so many crimes committed in the names of these ideas that it makes me sick. I have seen so many poor innocents suffering by the hand of the military, the clergy, the police and the law that I have no room for it in my heart. I love liberty, love, freedom, peace and kindness. I love the smile of a mother to her child. I love the taste of coffee after a good night of love. I love the smell of a cigarette after a job well done. And I love the sound of religious fanatics being eaten by lions ..... [soft smiles .....]

Alice: [After leaning her head to one side and pretending to be asleep, before jolting awake] Well. I'm glad we got that cleared up!

Clint: Yeah, who knew he's actually a peace-loving tree-hugging weirdo? [Starts to pack away supplies for the trip.] Say, Ferry, you got any cigars around here?

Ferry: Sure do, Clint. You're more than welcome to take some -- last smoke for the condemned man and all that!

Titus: [winks at Ferry and pulls out a pack of smokes and offer one to Clint] The last cigarette .....

Clint: Hey, you're not so bad, Titus! But a real man smokes these! [Locates the cigars in the pile of equipment and stashes several away, offering one to Titus.] The cheaper the better, too!

Because it helps mask the smell, no doubt!

Harvey : Good grief [to Titus], you're not going to start dancing around in the nip, badly singing terrible songs about peace and goodwill, and suchlike, are you?

Titus: [to Harvey] No. I only get in the buff to honor a lady or take a shower. And I cannot sign for my life. [to Clint] Thanks for the cigar. I will keep this to celebrate a victory!

Austin : I don't think so Colonel, he's more of the throwing innocent people to lion type.

Titus:[bleeding from the deadly snowball] You want to play that game? Let's use MY rules [whispers a few arcane words and energy darts shoot out of his fingers and hit the figure (cast Magic Missiles)]

Charlie: [Approaches the figure, staying low to the ground] Stop pelting us with your deadly snowballs at once! [Draws her sword]

Austin : [Gets himself some warm looking gloves and a hat, crampons and snow shoes, then stops dead in his search. To Ferry] Not the greatest slection of footwear, you don't happend to have anything by Hugio Sucksozi do you? In a size 43, Realm Size of course.

Charlie: [Hurriedly makes a snowball and looks around for the attacker] Arm yourselves, group!

Ferry: Well then! If that's everything, just take whatever you need and don't forget your flasks of hot coffee -- very important in a climate like this.

[There is plenty of equipment, so people can get anything they want -- within reason!]

Austin : [Readys his sling shot to shoot at the next opportunity] We surrender!

[The figure, which is easily nine feet tall, leaps up and roars at the party. This is BROSTY THE SNOWMAN. Both AUSTIN and TITUS hit him with their respective missiles, but they simply pass right through.]

Brosty: [Gives an evil cackle] Prepare to meet your doom! [Throws a snowball at Austin that hits him and knocks him down]

Lose 6hp Austin

Brosty the snow=

Alice: I don't know! [Feels the back of her head, and shows that there is blood on her hand] Hey! That thing cut me!

Lose 6hp Alice

[Two more snowballs come, this time from the opposite direction, one hitting TITUS and the other narrowly missing CHARLIE.]
;; Lose 5hp

Harvey : What manner of foul fiend is this? Did anyone think to bring a torch? Or matches?

Harvey : [Scoops up a pocketful of honeyed locusts and takes a sword from the pile] I suppose a freshly laundered crisp white starched shirt would be out of the question?

Charlie: [Thrilled, sheathes her sword and pulls out her notebook instead] Oh, please try and avoid melting it until I can ask it just a few questions. This will make a fascinating paper for the next New Discoveries in Cryptozoology conference! [To Brosty] Hello, there! Might I have a word with you about your reproductive practices?

Austin : [Finds a rather fine slingshot, a bag of bullets and a selection of throwing knives and daggers. To Ferry] Most kind. [Takes a flask of hot coffee]

Austin : [Quickly flits over the equipment and pulls out 3 ropes with grapples, and hands one to Alice Clint and Titus] I expect that we will need these. [Takes a honeyed locust and nibbles on the head]

Austin : [Ducks] Are we under attack? Who was that?

Ferry: I'm afraid not, my friend, not much call for them up here.

[Before long the party are ready, and head off into the snow, waved off by a cheering crowd. It is bitterly cold, and the party trudge on in silence for a good twenty minutes, heading upwards, following the map. Eventually the wind and snow dies down, but it is still freezing.]

Alice: You know, I've been thinking. Maybe we-

[Splat. ALICE gets hit in the back of a head with a snowball.]

Alice: Ow! Hey! That really hurt!

Austin : [Reeling from the attack ducks behind Alice] I believe that Mr Scar may have a lighter, and perhaps Alice has a perfume spray, you could improvise a flame thrower!

Brosty: [Growls at Charlie] It's the cold! It makes it look small! [Fires a snowball at her, hitting her full in the face]

Charlie lose 8hp

[Another snowman appears at the other side, and hits CLINT with a snowball. This is CROSTY.]

Clint lose 7hp

Crosty

You can see the current hitpoints here:

Hit Points

Alice: [Turning to look at Austin] I do, but even though the wind has died down, we'll never get that lighter going!

[The snowmen are closing in, and let loose more snowballs, hitting each of CLINT and HARVEY.]

Clint: Right! Enough's enough! [Slices right through Crosty, apparently doing no harm] Oh.

Harvey lose 9hp, Clint lose 10hp

Titus: [moving away to have proper shooting distance] Let's try this. [unleash a fireball spell with the center of the hit behind the snowpeople to avoid burning any team members]

Alice: [Expertly feeling the rope] Hm, double twisted half-inch cotton/silk blend, very nice, although a relatively high chafing probability.

Ferry: [Produces a freshly starched shirt than shines whiter even than his teeth] Here y'go. [Puts it on the table where it stands on its own, such is the amount of starch]

[The fireball explodes behind CROSTY (he is at the opposite side of the party to BROSTY), and he screams in pain, as BROSTY fires a particularly large snowball at TITUS, knocking him to the ground.]

Crosty lose 20hp, Titus lose 12hp

Dur: How do we do that? Pee on it?20

Alice: Dur! We want to melt them, not write our names in them!

Charlie: [Sputters angrily] Fine, then see how you like it when your kind remains a mere urban legend! [Digs through her knapsack] Quickly, light your torches! [Tries to light a torch]

[Alas the wind is too strong. BROSTY and CROSTY close in, with each of CHARLIE and DUR taking a close range smack of a snowball.]

Charlie lose 13hp, Dur lose 15hp

Dur: [Yelling over the wind] Perhaps we could start a landslide and seek shelter? Maybe knock these crusty old snow folk off the mountain? Titus, try blasting above us!

Austin : [Taking the lid off his flask, throws the coffee over Brosty] Use your coffee!

Charlie: [Starts wildly flinging coffee on Crosty] I don't think we have enough coffee for this!

Titus:[letting a scream of pain as the snow ball hit him real hard] I will not survive another hit like this. But I will go down in flame ..... [shoot another fireball at CROSTY] This should help with your shrinkage issue.

[Both BROSTY and CROSTY start screaming in agony, which just gets worse as the rest of the party throw their coffee on. Soon there is little more than some carrots and coal left.]

Alice: Phew! That was close! [Looks around] I sure hope we're nearly there!

Harvey : By the saints, troop, I've never seen the like! Let's move fast before more of those creatures arrive!

Alice: Just let me finish my coffee first. [Sips some coffee] Mm.

Harvey : [Munching on a carrot] Mm.[To Alice] Save some coffee for later, dear niece. There may be more of those things about!

Alice: They'd better not get between me and my coffee!

[The party trudge further along and eventually approach what appears to be the entrance to the cave that FERRY told them about. Standing outside is yet another snowman, TROSTY. Although he is facing in the rough direction that the party are coming from, he doesn't seem to have seen them.]

Trosty the snowman

Charlie: Was this what the villagers meant about bringing lots of coffee?! You'd think they might have warned us!

Harvey : Agreed! Who has any coffee left?

[Everyone but ALICE has exhausted their coffee supplies. The snowman still hasn't noticed the party.]

Alice: [Pours out a cup and hands it to Harvey] Here, it's my last one.

Clint: [Pondering the situation.] Do you think this freak is friendly? He's smiling, anyway...

I don't suppose anyone happened to grab, say, some napalm on the way out?

Harvey : Perhaps if one of us are quick enough, they could dash up there and steal it's eyes, while the rest of the troop distract it!

Alice: Good idea, Harvey. Now, who's the fastest at running through two foot deep snow. I'd do it, but [pulls one of her legs out of a massive snow drift to show off her six inch heels] these are less practical than you might imagine.

Austin : [Looking at the heals. Deadpan] Really. [Looking at the snowman] He does look quite smiley and nice that one. Perhaps he will help us?

Charlie: [Bleeding profusely] Perhaps, but is any of us in good enough shape to risk being wrong? Perhaps we could just slink on and try not to attract its attention? We really must see to our wounds.

Alice: Why don't you ask? He still doesn't seem to have noticed us!

Austin : Why don't you ask?

Alice: I'm too busy having you hide behind me.

Charlie: [Still bleeding] Again, I say, let us try and sneak away rather than confront this snow-creature!

Austin : [Sighsd] He is standing in the entrance to the cave, how on earth are you lot going to sneak past him? [Tuts] Do I have to do everything myself! [Stands up and waves to the snowman] Hello there friend! Perhaps you would be so good as to help us?

Harvey : By the saints, coffee at the ready!

Alice: Thank God! I'm dying for a cup!

[TROSTY's look doesn't flicker.]

Dur: Hmmmmm. Perhaps I can patch someone up enough that they could investigate further? [Jingles his medical bag and casts cure on whoever took the most damage]

Charlie gain 13hp

[TROSTY stays quiet, not even looking at the party.]

Harvey : Hmm, perhaps this chap is just an actual normal snowman!

Charlie: [To Dur] Why, thank you! Right, here goes nothing! [Attempts to get past Trosty, moving very slowly]

[Everyone follows close behind, also inching along. TROSTY doesn't make a move.]

Alice: Hey! He's just a plain snowman! [Walks up to him] Hi, Mr. Snowman!

Trosty: Boo!

Alice: [Jumps back in shock] Help!

Dur: [Watching Charlie go] Or maybe it's a clever ruse!

Titus: [weak and badly hurt, follows the group. As Dur cures Charlie] I could use some healing, Padre

Oops, sorry about that, Alain, Kevin said he wanted to heal the My mistake -- let's hope poor old Titus doesn't get killed!!

Charlie: [Laughs hysterically] Wonderfully amusing! I wonder if you might be willing to chat with me about your anatomy? [Modestly] I am kind. [Casually, to the party] You can go on ahead, and I will be along shortly!

Trosty: About my anatomy? Oh! Oh, I get your [cheesily] drift! Better not delay, though. There are other snowmen around, and they would kill you without a second [huge emphasis] thawed!

Alice: [To the party] Oh my god, he's so annoying. Let's kill him now! It's a pity, because I thought this one was all white. [Thinks for a moment] Hey! That's actually good fun!

Harvey : No. We are leaving no member of the troop behind! Research or no.

Trosty: [Nods] It's like the mother penguin always says, beak careful!

Titus: [smiles at Charlie's research subject]Each his own kink, I guess. [to Trosty] Why are you nice instead of trying to kill us like the other two?

Harvey : [Laughs long and loud] Oh, oh, I have one! Why are snowmen rubbish in a fight. Because they have no balls! [Laughs loudly before stopping] Er, I mean, snow balls!

Austin : Do many people come out of the cave?

Harvey : Good question private! [To Trosty] Also, how long have you been here?

Charlie: [Excited, flips out her notebook] Also, do you have a need to eat? Sleep?

Austin : [To Charlie] I believe that he was far more interested in your request to examine his specie's reproductive mechanism.

Trosty: I've never seen anyone come out, and I never eat or sleep. I've been here for about fifty years.

Alice: And have you ever attempted to reproduce in that time?

Trosty: [Head drops] No.

Alice: Wow, you get almost as little sex as Dur!

Harvey : Fifty years? Fifty years? No one has come out. How many have gone in?

Trosty: Three hundred and fifty seven. Now, twenty seven of them did come running out screaming, but all of them either died from exposure, were killed by snowmen or were inadvertently given a heart attack by a well meaning snowman.

Austin : [Sympathetically] Aww, poor well meaning snowman, that must have been horrible.

Trosty: [Sadly] Yes, it wa-- I mean, yes, I'm sure it was.

Austin : So what can you tell us about the dangers that lay within the cave?

Charlie: Yes, and I'd also be very interested to hear about any creation myths, etc. that have been passed down as part of your cultural oral history and so forth!

Titus: [to Charlie]May be you could inspect his reproductive system and make sure it is still working. After a while, things stops working if you do not use them. I'll promise I make sure everyone will look the other way, Lady Godiva

Dur: What?! You lose things that you don't use? Is that what happened to your manners?

Austin : [Smirking] Perhaps we should let the good snowman respond to our torrent of questions before Charlie examines his reproductive system in the oral tradition.

Harvey : [Laughs long and loud] However, I dare say you can't lose something you never had, what!

Trosty: There's nothing I can tell you. There used to be an automatically triggered spell that turned people into abominable snow men, which is what happened to me and the others. I vowed to stay here to warn people about it, although most wouldn't listen to me. Eventually someone did, and disarmed the trap. Other than that, all I know is that there are other traps further in.

Harvey : A tragic tale indeed. Were women turned into snowmen also?

Trosty: I think so. Most of them ran screaming from the cave. I don't know what became of them, although there was talk about trying to destroy the coffee trade.

Charlie: [To Trosty] Well, you have been most helpful, I must say! Would you by any chance like to accompany us?

Trosty: Sure! That would be great! I've always hoped that someone would take me back to their home!

Harvey : Home? Er, we're actually going into the caves, what!

Trosty: Oh. [Head drops] Well, maybe if any of you are left alive and are still sane after the experience, you could bring me home?

Alice: What makes you think we're sane now?

Trosty: Given that you're dead set on going into the caves, frankly, I'm beginning to wonder.

Harvey : Indeed, you must be quite keen to step indoors and put your feet up infront of a nice, roaring fire. [Looks thoughtful] Hmm, or not!

Trosty: Oh! So you want to kill me? After all I did for you? [Looks at the hot coffee in Alice's hand] Heeeelp!

[Exit TROSTY, running down the mountain, only to trip and fall. However, he keeps rolling down.]

Titus: Nice. Not. You keep commenting on my manners but at least I do not threaten people who have tried to help us. I was thinking of doing a dispel magic spell to restore him but no, you had to scare him. Good job Admiral! Not.

Alice: Who's Admiral Knott?

Alice: Sure did, but I failed the medical. They said I wasn't a big enough asshole.

Titus: I hear you. I flunked wizard school too. Could not learn magic. It is just imbued in me. But they said I had a ego big enough for it and powerful superiority complex too. I did rank first of my class in asshology, if you can believe. But I cannot still read a spell book.

Clint: Forget the squabbling, just think! We're going into a cave that not one person in 300 has returned from alive... I *like* those odds!

Alice: [Nods at Titus' words] Yes, I can believe that. Don't worry about not being able to read, it's not all it's cracked up to be. All those crazy squiggles and shapes? Who can be bothered to remember them all! [To Clint] Hey, this is how we prepare!

Titus:[looks at the group]Not a bad group to go inside a cave of death and perish with. If I die first, Alice gets my gold to allow her keeping her wardrobe standards.

Clint: Haw! Well, let's get this over with. [Pulls out his sword and heads for the cave entrance.]

Alice: Let's find some traps!

[Exit ALL, into the caves.]

End of scene. Next one coming on THURSDAY, as we're away for a while

[Book VII, Act V, Scene VI. The Cave. ALICE, AUSTIN, CHARLIE, CLINT, DUR, HARVEY and TITUS are here, having just entered. It is wide enough for three abreast, is surprisingly warm and dry inside.]

Alice: [Lighting a torch] Right, who's up front?

Change of plans, so the game is back on!

Clint: [Steps forward.] Do you even have to ask, Bimbo? [Ponders propelling Dur to the front but decides against it.]

[Mr Burns]
Eeeeexcellent.

[/Mr Burns]

Charlie: I shall follow behind you, Mr. Scar, but do try and keep your bodily expulsions in check!

Austin : [Raises a suprise eyebrow at Charlie] Either very very brave, or very very stupid. Perhaps both.

Alice: [Wisely] Or maybe neither. [Nods her head sagely] Hey! Wait a minute! That doesn't make any sense at all!

[The party move on, with ALICE, CLINT and HARVEY in the front, followed by AUSTIN and CHARLIE, with DUR and TITUS taking up the rear. The passage goes on a good hundred feet before opening into a large cave, that's about 50' X 50'. The floor is covered with polished black and white tiles, each a foot square. The roof, which is covered in thick vines, is about twenty feet up.]

Alice: Huh. Well, I guess this is one of those traps we heard about.

[Holds up the note that Ferry gave the party, which reads: "Take God's path; take the devil's path, and hide beneath the shade of night to enter the shimmering wall."]

All we have is freezing fog and ice, enough to cancel our trip. Gah!

Charlie: We're to take both God's and the devil's path? How extraordinary! Or does it mean we must choose? Perhaps we should try to keep to the white tiles and see how we fare?20

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-webkit-composition-frame-color: rgba(77, 128, 180, 0.230469); ">Last from Conor #5



type3D"cite">Austin: [Raises a suprise eyebrow at Charlie] Either very very brave,
orvery very stupid. Perhaps both.
type3D"cite">

Alice:[Wisely] Or maybe neither. [Nods her head sagely] Hey! Wait a
minute! That doesn't  make any sense at all!

      [The party move on, with ALICE, CLINT and HARVEY in the front,
followed by AUSTIN and CHARLIE, with DUR and TITUS taking up the rear.
The passage goes on a good hundred feet before opening into a large
cave, that's about 50' X 50'. The floor is covered with polished black
and white tiles, each a foot square. The roof, which is covered in
thick vines, is about

twenty feet up.]

Alice: Huh. Well, I guess this is one of those traps we heard about.
[Holds

up the note that Ferry gave the party, which reads: "Take God's
path; take the devil's path, and hide beneath the shade of night to
enter the shimmering class3D"Apple-style-span"

color3D"#0023A3">


Charlie:We're to take both God's and the devil's path? How extraordinary!  Or does it mean we must choose? Perhaps we should try to keep to the white tiles and see how we fare? 
--Apple-Mail-1--202009220-- ! hite

Alice: And what about the night thing? Where does that fit in?

Harvey : Perhaps it's a combination. God is white, the devil is black. So we should start on White, then Black and so on.

Alice: Maybe, but won't someone please think of the night thing?

Titus:[Shaking his head] I do not want to blow up your bubble about fairy tales such as god, the devil, santa claus or the tooth fairy but how do you know god is white? I know culture where white is the symbol of death.

Alice: [Nods] He's right. Things are rarely black and white.

Charlie: Well, they are in this case, and we must decide the meaning of it all! [Looks up at the ceiling] Are we under the shade of night due to those vines? Or could the shade of night refer to the black tiles?

Alice: [Looks up at the vines] Are we sure that there's only one trap? Maybe there are a few of them?

Austin : [Carefully examines the tiles looking got traps] I think that it would be most prudent to expect many, many traps. [Inspects the vines] Perhaps we could climb round to the other side on these vines, or swing across, avoiding the floor all together.

Alice: The vines certainly look thick enough to hold us, but it is a long way across. [Reads the note again] Take God's path; take the devil's path, and hide beneath the shade of night to enter the shimmering wall. Hm, could any part of that mean the vines?

Harvey : What concerns me is what is lurking behind and within those vines!

Alice: Don't be silly, Uncle H! There's nothing scary there. Look. [Shakes one of the vines, and suddenly starts screaming] Help! Help! Spider! [Calmes down] Oh, it's okay, it's just my fingers.

Harvey : Can anyone see any difference in the vines? Two varieties of vine, perhaps?

[Although not all the vines are the same thickness, they do seem to all be of the same variety.]

Harvey : [Holds onto a thick vine] Perhaps one of us should climb up to see whats behind these vines? There might be a clue above the canopy!

Alice: Maybe, but they seem attached to the roof, so I don't know if you'll be able to see anything.

Dur: Not only that, I was never good at rope climbing in Gym!

Alice: Huh, rope tying was always my favourite class, but I was always very late home after it. [Thinks for a moment] Did you say climbing or tying?

Titus: I am afraid that any of this physical stuff is not something I am good at. Rope climbing or rope tying is too hard for me.

Alice: It might be the only way across. Let's see, "God's path"? Could that be the vines?

Austin : Perhaps we should try to swing across, I am sure everyone can manage that [Tries to free or cut the lower end of one of the vines to swing across the room]

Titus: God's path equals the vines? Explain your logic Alice. You lost me. [Looks for a stone or twig and if finds two throws one on a white tile and one on a black tile]

Charlie: Presumably, she means that the "high road," if you will, is the one in closer proximity to the heavens. Let us try the vines, then! [Attempts to climb up a vine in order to cross]

Alice: Sure. God is really good, right? Then it follows that he likes nice things, like gold, and wine and shoes and well tailored cardigans and properly maintained hair, true? So, in the absence of any gold, wine, shoes, well tailored cardigans and properly maintained hair outside of those brought in by us, then it follows that we should look for something related to those. Given that all we can see are tiles and vines, and vines are often associated with grapes, from which one can make wine, then it seems pretty straightforward that we should use the vines.

[While ALICE is talking, TITUS throws a stone onto each of a black and a white tile. Nothing happens in either case.]

Alice: Uh, yeah, that too.

[While AUSTIN cuts a vine, only to discover that the roof isn't high enough to be able to swing across, CHARLIE climbs up onto the vines, and starts to make her way across. She gets about halfway without any trouble.]

Alice: Looks like she's gonna make it. I sure hope they don't break!

Harvey : But dearest niece, wine also leads many a person to perform the devils work, and to stagger down the the devils path!

Alice: True, but what about all that proximity to heaven stuff I said? That sounded really good!

[CHARLIE makes it to the other side, and jumps down to the ground on the far side of the tiles.]

Harvey : Well done that girl! Who's next? I'll go last and make sure no ne'erdowells sneak up on us from behind!

Clint: How we gonna get Titus and Dur across? I can help one of 'em, but I'm not carrying people across this thing!

So meanwhile, here it's a very unseasonable 15 degrees, warming back up to normal winter weather by the end of the week.

Alice: [Climbing onto the vines] Maybe they can climb across?

Dur: [Looks dubiously at the vines] I suppose we could give it a shot. What's the worst that could happen?

[Just on cue, ALICE's flask falls out of her backpack and hits the tiles. Almost immediately a hail of arrows shoot across where it hit.]

Charlie: That's the spirit, Dur! There's a shiny copper in it for you if you can make it across.

Clint: Maybe we can set off all the traps from here and then walk across!

Alice: [Landing on the other side] Oh, come on, Stinky! Surely you can climb across?

[The flask seemed to hit both a black and a white tile.]

Harvey : By the saints, careful dear niece!

Which coloured tile did the flask land on?

Clint: Ha! I bet you have to walk on all white tiles all the way across, then the next person has to walk on all black tiles, and then I don't have any idea what the night stuff means, but screw it.

Harvey : Come on now, private Scar, chop chop! Onwards and upwards across the vines, what!

Clint: Sure thing, Harv. [Starts up the vines.]

Harvey : That's the spirit, private! [Keeps an eye on the rear of the cave]

[CLINT makes it across without any trouble, and, after a short while, everyone else has crossed over.]

Alice: So, I guess that was God's path, being up high and all.

Charlie: Yes, and that went splendidly! I expect we are to have no trouble whatsoever negotiating these caves. Let us continue! [Heads toward the corridor]

Austin : [Shrugs] We may never know. The riddles may be meaningless nonsense disseminated to confuse and delay the progress of any would be visitors.

Alice: [Nods at Charlie's words] God himself couldn't stop us from getting through now. [To Austin] You might be right, they certainly look like nonsense. I mean, what the hell is that word? [Points at the word "the"]

Austin : Indeed, just another made up word. Although [emphasises] the definite article can be fairly useful [Smirks at his own joke]

Harvey : Right troop, lets not get complacent, what! I'm sure many a traveller got this far and left their guard down. And suddenly, boom, snowmen!

Alice: That's right Harvey, we could be just strolling along, minding our own business and then we'd feel the chilly twig of death!

[The party walk along a winding corridor in the same order as before for another two minutes, before coming to a large cavern, about 24' square, which also has tiles. These ones are all plain stone, and each has a character carved into them. They are each around 3' X 3', and, when standing on one, it would be possible to step onto any of its (up to) eight neighbours.]

Alice: Huh, what the hell does this mean?

The floor -

Austin : Well there are two ways across, if we were to stick to one symbol, we could choose either.

Alice: Are we sure that we should stick to one symbol?

Charlie: I wonder if we could replicate the prophecy using these tiles?! [Takes out her notes on the prophecy and examines the tiles]

Harvey : Well, the last was God's path, perhaps this time we should be looking for the Devil's path.

Conor - can you send me on the image - can't access the site. Thanks.

Alice: That's certainly what the clue Ferry gave us says, but what is the devil's path?

Austin : Well, one of these symbols must represent the devil. Charlie, which one is it. Did you write that down?

Alice: Here's the original one. [Shows the party the prophecy]

The

Austin : [Glances at the prophecy] Excellent, that is one of the two paths. Let us take it. We should follow the symbol that is like a 'T' but with three horizontal bars instead of one. That one [Points that the devil path symbol] Mr Titus, would you care to go first?

Harvey : [Scratching at a sideburn] Well troop, if we are to follow the devils path, then surely that means there is only one symbol we can follow the entire way across the floor. [Points to the one on the far top right] That one, for example, seems to be the only one that goes from this side to the other side, uninterrupted

Alice: You are the most badly wounded of everyone, after all, Titus!

Charlie: I shall volunteer, given my smashing success in the last task! [Attempts to follow the devil symbol across]

Austin : Yes, well I thought that he might stop winging for a moment if we gave him some jobs to do. Just trying to include him in the party, make him feel useful et cetera.

Alice: Maybe we should start with something smaller, like fetching us coffee and things?

[CHARLIE boldly strides across the tiles, using the symbol identified as the devil's symbol. Soon she is at the other side, unscathed.]

Charlie: [Delighted] Marvelous! Come along, group--it's really quite simple, though do be careful. [Modestly] No doubt I made it look easier than it is!

Austin : [Deadpan] Indeed Charlie, you could be a champion walker. [To Alice] Perhaps you would like to get next?

Titus:[Ignores Austin and Alice barbs and follows in silence to the other side]

Austin : [Sighs in relief] Ahh, there we go, and without a single winge or gripe. Told you so.

Alice: He's like a breath of fresh air!

Harvey : It's the most pleasant I've found him! [Crosses over the floor]

Kevin's out today

Austin : [Crosses over. TO Dur] That is an oddly relieving comment, comming from you Mr Dur.

Titus: [Light up a cigarette and blows the smoke in the air]

[Soon everyone is over safely, and the party resume their marching order. They come to yet another large cavern. This one is about 60' in diameter, and doesn't appear to have any exits. There is, however, a lot of foliage and bushes here. Everyone can hear the sound of water rushing, but it seems to be coming from everywhere.]

Clint: Hey, maybe we can just hack our way through?

Alice: I hate gardening! What if they are poisonous?

Charlie: Well, this must be where we are to "hide beneath the shade of night to enter the shimmering wall"! [Looks around at the foliage] I wonder--would there be any "deadly nightshade" growing here?!

[On closer inspection, the party can see that there are a variety of bushes here, all of which are poisonous. One of them is, indeed, Belladonna.]

Alice: [Peering at it from a safe distance] That seems to be one, but look, it's leaves are pretty spiky, [looks up and down] and it's huge! I don't think we'll be able to cut it down.

Charlie: Perhaps we should crawl under it, then? [Tries to see if she can crawl under the Belladonna]

Harvey : Good thinking that girl. Climb under the shade of night!

Alice: Huh! It certainly sounds right.

[It is possible to climb in under it, although it looks like it will be virtually impossible to avoid getting some scratches from the very thick bark and leaves.]

Austin : [I think you have to ingest it for it to be toxic, does anyone know more?

Titus: Can we try to burn it?

Alice: I think you're right Aus, but normally it doesn't have crazy thorns like that. [To Titus] Not a bad idea, Tites, but we'd need a lot of oil, and this cavern doesn't exactly have a chimney in it!

Harvey : Indeed, dear niece. Who knows the danger of breathing in the poison! We could wrap ourselves in our blankets to minimise the chance of cuts and scrapes.

Austin : And if we did burn it we would not be able to hide under it [ponders]

Charlie: Perhaps we could dig a hole underneath the bushes, to facilitate hiding and minimize contact with the thorns?

Dur: Tut Tut! This is why you bring a trained Doctor with you at all times! Come on group, I'll take care of any wounds we sustain! ... Well most of them anyway.

Alice: Good idea, Charlie, as long as those roots aren't poisonous, of course!

Alice: Take care of in the sense of making them better? Or causing them?

Dur: [Looks thoughtful] Whichever you prefer of course! So long as my bill gets paid...

Harvey : I'll try first, troop! [Bends down and begins to move through the roots]

Clint: I guess I'll go next... [Waits to see if Harvey drops dead or something.]

Austin : [Wraps himself well in a blanket and slithers under the bush] This all seem to be a little too easy.

Harvey : Only because we had those hints from the village, private Sleaze!

[Soon everyone is through, although, despite their best efforts, everyone has received at least a few scratches.]

Alice: Thank goodness for them, too, otherwise we could have been in real trouble. [Does a double take on Austin] Hey, is it just me or does Austin look like he has an octopus head?

[Strangely enough, it does appear as though AUSTIN's head has turned into an octopus.]

Dom is out for the morning

Charlie: She's quite right, Mr. Sleaze! I'm afraid you have turned eventually sprout eight appendages to aid you in your obsessive grooming habits, etc.

Harvey : By the saints, private Sleaze! My dear niece is quite correct!

Austin: Very helpful, Charlie, thanks. You do know, of course, that both you and Alice now have cat heads?

[Incredibly this is also true.]

Alice: [Touching her face] Liar! It doesn't feel any different to me, Octo-head!

Charlie: [Looks at Alice and coos] Oh, how adorable! [Attempts to pet Alice's cat head]

Alice: [Leans back] Hey! Hands off! [Looks around at the others] What the hell is going on? You're all turning into animals [Points to each of the party in turn, starting with Harvey] A donkey, [Titus] a snake, [Clint] a monkey, [Dur] some sort of disgusting slug. Well, okay, you haven't changed much, but the others have!

Harvey : [Touches his head] What in the blue blazes is going on here? Skullduggery, heehaw!

Austin : [Checking that his head is still normal, gets out his pocket mirror] Perhaps the poison in the scratches that we have received from this bush are hallucinogenic? Or maybe we are dying, and this is a sign of our brains melting under the toxins. [Looks verry worried. Then brightens up] But I feel fine. Everyone else okay?

Alice: [Now sweating profusely] I feel really, really, really great! Although, I'm a bit thirsty, and I think I need to fart, but can't be bothered making the effort. [To Charlie] An orange one.

Alain is out today

[He's right, and this is clearly the source of the water sounds from before, as the party are now through the bush. Everyone is starting to feel a little weird now, with lights seeming a bit too bright, and finding it difficult to focus.]

Dur: But how do we know it is real if we really are hallucinating from poison?

Alice: There's only one way to find out, Dur. We build a machine that can drive over there, scoop up some of the water, then drive back across the ceiling so the water falls down onto us. Then, if we get wet, we know that either we got wet or Clint gobbed up some spit. [Looks confused] What was the question again?

Harvey : Hold on, but who's going to guard the floor when we're on the ceiling! What if it's stolen dear niece! What then, eh? What then!

Alice: We're going to be on the ceiling, so why should we care about the door?

Harvey : Even if it's the Shivering door, the one we are supposed to break on through?

Harvey : Even if it's the Shivering door, the one we are supposed to break on through?

Austin : Well, since I am an octopus I'll will be just fine in the water. But I am not so sure about orange cats, or slugs [Walks and swims into the waterfall if he can]

Titus: [Crawling across the floor] I'll go, even if it's just to get away from this conversation. [Sticks his head through the waterfall, before turning back to the party, hair soaking wet] Nope, it doesn't seem to be real. Although my hair is kind of wet.

[AUSTIN walks across the ground unsteadily, and steps into the waterfall, which pours down into the rock, so he doesn't have to swim, and disappears through it.]

Alice: Woah! That was cool!

Harvey : [In a loud whisper to Alice] Let's wait for him [gestures towards Titus] to go through, then we can all turn around and go back home, what!

Charlie: [Watching Austin] How splendid! [Starts to follow Austin's lead but hesitates] Though I shouldn't like to muss my lovely fur!

Titus: [To Harvey] Typical! Taking the coward's way out! [Crawls through the water]

Alice: Aw, don't worry about it Charlie, it's fairly unattractive.

Charlie: [To Alice] Whew, what a relief! [Enters the water]

[Enter ALL, into the waterfall.]

End of scene, next one coming right up

[Book VII, Act V, Scene VII. The Train Tracks. ALICE, AUSTIN, CHARLIE, CLINT, DUR, HARVEY and TITUS are here, slowly regaining consciousness. They are outside a huge walled monastery, lying on what appear to be train tracks.]

Train: [Approaching fairly quickly] Choo choo!

Charlie: [Pushes herself up off the tracks] Wake up, group! Move!

Alice: [Stirring] Huh? What the hell? [Leaps up] Let's get the others up!

Austin : I had the oddest dream, I dreamt that I had an octopus head and that I was lying on a railway track in front of an oncoming train. AAArrgh! [Gets up swiftly, leaping off the tracks]

do we still have creature heads?

No!

Austin : [Grabs Harvey's other foot and helps pull the colonel off the tracks] I think that we should help the colonel first!

Titus: [Gets up and jump of the tracks] Smack him hard on the face. That should wake up Military Man.

Alice: Just for that, Titus, you have to pull Dur off! [Realises that she and Austin are at either side of the tracks] Good grief, Austin! That train is going hit him right in the --

[ALICE is drowned out by the sudden screeching of brakes, as the train starts to slow down. Although there is enough time for she and AUSTIN to get HARVEY away, they wait for dramatic effect, and the train stops about a centimeter from HARVEY's crotch.]

Alice: [To Austin] That was cool! Like a Pames Jond movie!

Titus: [Moves away from the tracks]I am not touching Dur. I do not know the purify spell.

Alice: Just use a stick, like anyone else would! [Looks at the train] Is it just me? Or is that a really small train?

[The train is about a third of the size of a normal train.]

Charlie: Perhaps it is merely very far away? [Goes to touch the side of the train]

[The train is close and small. Suddenly, a man dressed in white robes leaps out, this is BANTAM ALPHA.]

Bantam: [Adopting a karate pose] Hah!

Bantam

Dur: [Finally waking up] Don't laugh at me!

[Enter PICAYUNE BETA and DIMUNITY GAMMA, two similarly small men also wearing white robes, also leaping out from the train.]

Bantam: Prepare to die!

Colin is out today

Picayune

Dimunity

Austin : [Shocked] Why on earth would you want to kill us? We are terribly nice people really. [Looks at Dur and Titus] Well, most of us are at any rate.

Titus: [Shakes his head] Don't listen to him. He is a liar and a coward. Truth is we have no idea where we are, how we got here and what we are supposed to do. We are the Clueless Wonders!

Alice: I thought we were at the Monastery at Ixi?

Bantam: Gasp! [To Titus] You are a liar! No one has vouched for you, you shall all die!

Titus: [To Bantam] News for you Karate Man! We are ALL going to die ultimately. The question is just when.

Bantam: For you, it is now!

[Everyone's attention is drawn to a fully grown man who clearly was sitting on top of the train. This is ADAM DAWSON.]

Adam: [Leaning back against the train] I can vouch for them.

Adam Dawson

Clint: [Shakes himself and comes to.] And a good thing for these little tykes it is, too!

Adam: Indeed. It would have been a shame for them to have blood spattered all over their uniforms.