THE QUEENS VIEW AFFAIR - Quotes
Austin : Doctor, your knowledge of law is laughable. Whilst the first
party, Camelancen, may have taken an item belonging to a second party,
Black, it does not give us any right to steal an item, regardless of its
similarity or otherwise, from a third party. Legally speaking, we have
no right to this vehicle. That is not to say that should we remove this
person from the vehicle and abscond with it, never telling anyone what
we did, that we are likely to suffer legal repercussions.
Alice : [In horror] So, what you're saying is beat up the poor
leper and steal his boat?
Austin : That is one way of phrasing it. I think I might prefer ``An
involuntary relocation of a nonpaying tenant from a bouyant temporary abode
to a more solid property."
Alice : Oh, well, that sounds much fairer.
------
Joe : Well, believe it or not, the entire town has been trampled by
thousands of elephants.
Alice : What!? I don't believe it!
Joe : Okay, what really happened is that there has been a [pauses
as though he finds it difficult to say the words] a communist revolution
there.
Harvey: [Draws breath deeply] Communists! They didn't hurt the
elephants, did they? Just the kind of thing they'd do!
Joe : No, the elephants are fine.
------
Austin: Also, I do believe, that my skills should not be underestimated
and that I bring a suitable amount of coolness, awareness, forethought
and beauty to the party as a whole. I would urge you not to discount me
and that I have proven myself trustworthy and suitable for all situations.
------
Lenin : There
is more than one wall in Queens View that has ``Free Lenin Buckley" sprayed
on it.
Alice : I didn't see any, where are they?
Lenin : Well, there's two walls in my cell with it. [Steps back from
the window to let the party see ``Justice for the Queens View One" and
``Free Lenin Buckley" sprayed on the inside of the cell wall.]
------
Lenin : I might consider it, under one condition.
Alice : Fair enough, our condition is that you tell us everything we
want to know.
Aubrey : I think, perhaps, that he means a condition laid down by him.
Austin: My goodness, what have they done!
[Moves his head about peering at the glass, more and more furtively] I can't
believe it. They've installed non-reflecting glass.
------
Anthea : [Bouncing over, and speaking to Chastity] Oh
you! Come on, all your friends are dancing, why don't you jolly well join
in the fun, because if you can't have fun and laugh at yourself, what can
you do?
Donal : [Somberely] You can masturbate.
Anthea : [Shakes her head from side to side] Oh you!
------
Harvey: [Gasps] Waiter, there's a fly in my soup.
Waiter : Kindly keep your voice down sir, or they'll all want
one!
Chastity : [Stares at her Prawn Cocktail] Oh dear! Waiter!
I just remembered that I don't like prawns.
Waiter : That's okay sister, they're not prawns, merely large
flies.
------
Jerome: [Pacing, then talks to the waiter] Are there
any other emergency measures to be taken in the event of requiring the
disembarkation of passengers in an urgent manner? Are there any other ways
off this train that you are aware of?
Waiter : Only the life boats. Wait, that was the ship I was
just on, we're all going to die! We'll either crash or burn!
Jerome: Calm yourself! That is a completely preposterous suggestion,
and one which Dr Jerome K. Trindle B.Sc. Ph.D. can assure you that all
current scientific information denounes as false! Obviously, at this speed
we will both crash and burn.
------
Alice : Well, the train can't be stopped because there are
no brakes, right? But why don't we put the train into reverse? Get the
hamsters to run in the opposite direction, that way we could stop the train.
Pretty cunning, eh?
Jerome: The cunninginity of it would depend on the condition
of the hamsters. [To Waiter] Exactly how poisoned is poisoned?
Waiter : On a cunning rating of 1 to 10 I'd give a minus two.
The hamsters are dead.
Jerome: [To Alice] But, aside from the Dead Hamster
factor, it was a most excellent idea.
------
[The WAITER opens the door to the adjacent carriage and
speaks to the passengers.]
Waiter : Please, everyone brace themselves, we may be encountering
some rough weather ahead.
[The PASSENGERS take this quite calmly.]
Passenger A : Tell us what's happening, we can take it.
Waiter : We have a good chance of crashing.
[There is a murmer from the PASSENGERS, but they are still
calm.]
Passenger B : There's more, isn't there? Tell us.
Waiter : The train has been sabotaged and could blow up, killing
us all.
[Still the PASSENGERS remain calm.]
Passenger A : What else are you hiding from us?
Waiter : Well, we're out of coffee.
[Bedlam and hysteria break out, with people running around
screaming and smashing up the train. ]
Voice : Ah, Mr. Scar, what a pleasure this will be. Put down your sword
you overweight, obnoxious, flea infested, odour filled piece of shit.
Alice : [To no one in particular] I guess they know him, then.
------
Austin : On the contrary, keep watch on him, for he is dangerous. Very
dangerous. [Pauses.] Very very dangerous. Very very very dangerous.
[Another dramatic pause] Very very very very dangerous.
Alice : Don't mince your words, Father, do you think he is dangerous?
------
Don : Hey! A-Father Sleaze! Does the church usually have-a the flames
coming out of it?
Chastity : [Looks over at the church] Oh for fucks sake. [To Austin -
haughtily] I suppose you'll be collecting for a new roof again. [To
Clint] I'm sure they do it on purpose.
------
Harvey: Gah! Renegades and criminals! What type of creature attacks a church
and tries to murder its priest! Animals!
Alice : No Harvey, the church doesn't have any animals.
------
Zachary : Find the chosen ones.. find the chosen ones.
Don : Isn't it the tradition for the dying man to tell people where
there is a whole load of treasure with his dying breath?
Zachary : I believe so.
Don : Well?
Zachary : No, not very well at all, I'm about to die.
Don : Mama mia! Where is the treasure?
Zachary : Okay, five miles north of here there is a .. a.. [dies]
Don : I a-hate it when that happens!
Alice : [Licks her lips seductively, and kneels down in front of Jerome]
Okay Jerome, get ready for the most passionate, wet, gorgeous, deep and
downright erotic kiss you've ever got in your life, when I'm finished
kissing you I have no doubt that you'll feel a [face drops] oh, he's dead!
------
Chastity : [To Joseph] You're sending me nowhere, you crazy old man.
Joseph : [To Chastity] Wrong on all three counts, I am not crazy, I am
not old and I am not a ma- uh, well, wrong on two counts anyway. The only
ones who are going anywhere are the chosen ones, the rest of you will
stay here and live your lives as normal. Or as close to normal as you
kind of people can.
------
Clint: I have always
been the brains of this outfit.
Alice : Mr. Scar, while it is indeed true that I am a very bright girl,
so bright in fact, I can even spell Czechoslovakia, I don't think that a
man who's most impressive talent is being able to fart in tune to "The
Girl who had a very large hat, and the things she used to do with that"
can be considered the brains of any outfit outside of a pair of dungarees
worn by Dan Quayle!
------
Dave : Oi, John, leave it out, mate, I've had enough of your grief about
me jellied eels, yeah? Next thing we know you'll be doing the dirty on
good old fish and chips mate, and if you did, I'd have to say "Oi! No!".
Now come on mate, we're in this together right? You know, pack up your
troubles, [breaks into song] oh pack up your troubles in your old kit bag,
and smile, smile, smile. While you've a lucifer to light your fag,
smile, boys, that's the style.
Harvey: [Sighs deeply and slowly] What fresh hell is this?
Dave : No, no, no! That's not it mate! You'd 'ardly 'ave a line like
that
in such a chipper song, would you now, mate? No, it's [sings] what's the use of worrying? It never was worthwhile, so - pack up your troubles in
your old kit bag, And smile, smile, [goes down on one knee and spreads
his arms a la musical style, hands shaking] smile!
------
Clint: [Stops abruptly and looks at Alice's stomach] Oh my
God where did little Clint go!?! [Starts looking very closely at Alice's
stomach region]
Alice : [Shudders] Just so as you know, Clint, there will
never be a Clint or a part of one in me, little or otherwise! [Storms off
after Harvey]
------
Clint: What was this other Clint like?
Alice : What was he like? Let me see... he had all the brainpower of a
moth, the body odour of an elephant who has been dead for two weeks and
frankly, his choice of clothing would make one of the Village People look
fashionable. [Reflects] Hmm, I suppose they were his best points, really.
Then again, he didn't think he was married to me, so that has to be
another plus.
------
Jerome: [To Clint] Due to a mis-calculation by Dr Jerome K. Tindle B.Sc Ph.D., for which he has
already been forgiven, our Clint lost one testicle in a freak mishap.
Clint: [Pulls out the waistband of his pants and looks down the front] Oh
dear Philli. What have you done to this poor poor man? He forgave you for
this! Simple miscalculations don't cost good men their testicles.
------
------
Jerome: Dr Jerome K. Trindle B.Sc. Ph.D. made an extensive study into the properties of "Holy
Water" and found that, although it smells a bit nicer than normal water, it is essentially the
same. Jerome cast some at Dr Melvin J. Harshcenwetter B.Sc. Ph.D. B.A. NTSC Di.CK, who was, Jerome
determined at the time, pure unadulterated evil. The water had no effect except causing Melvin to
become enraged, and slap Jerome.
>
------
Jerome: [To Clint] Perhaps you should wear the mask, ravioli bolognaise.
Clint: Uh ok. [Puts the mask on] I feel like a fancy ass twit.
Dave : Phowar! Don't know where we'll get you one, mate! Eh? Eh? Say no more!
------
Clara : [Glares at Clint holding up the empty glass] I think you should
go to Hillsfar before you find yourself on the wrong end of an ice cream
enema.
Austin : [Shuffling through his deck of calling cards, before pulling one
out, apparantly at random] Ah! Then you'll be thinking of one Mistress
Milicent?
Clara : No, I'm thinking how much more enjoyable sandpapering the skin of
my elbow would be than talking to you.
------
Clara : [Turns to Harvey] Dinner?
Just how important do you think I consider dinner is when I've just this
minute killed my husband?
Alice : Well, I suppose it depends on who's coming to the dinner party.
------
Alice : Actually, I meant Clint, because I heard that term before. I was
in a bar and met a pair of twins, and they bought me a lot of drink and
asked me if I was a double header - what could they have meant?
Austin : A pair of twins? Then there were four of them?
Alice : Don't be silly, Austin, if there were four twins that would be eight.
Austin : Hm, [bewildered at being caught out by Alice] so it would appear.
------
Jerome:
[Comforting Alice] Dearest Alice, love of my life, soulmate. The
remark Jerome made regarding your eyes was intended as the highest form
of compliment. Were Jerome to compare your smile to a perfect sunrise,
the sunrise would fare poorly indeed. Your eyes are so magnificent, their
colour so pure, that upon viewing them the breath is taken from Jerome's
lungs before he has a chance to expel it. When your gaze is rested upon
Jerome, the feelings of love Jerome feels cause a wrenching sensation in
his heart - a feeling of desire previously unknown in this reality. [Holding
her hand now] Every molecule of Jeormes body falls in love with you
all over again whenever we are together. Every atom making up Jerome's
being aches with lonliness when we are separated. You complete Jerome.
Alice
: [Blushing] Oh. Well, I like you too.
------
Clint :Come on Alice let's kick some Alien tail.
Alice : I don't understand what he just said, is he asking me for sex?
Because if he is asking me for sex the answer is no, I'm not that kind of
girl.
Austin : Not since the orgy, anyway.
Alice : Absolutely.
Austin : Perhaps we should form some sort of strategy for when we arrive
at the house, to prevent Clint from suddenly killing, or worse still,
offering to have sex with, the first person we meet.
------
Ed : So, a self-confessed murderer in your midst! Are you taking her to
prison?
Clara : They're taking me to kill someone else.
------
Alice : [Checking her make up in a compact.] Hm, I guess the camera either
loves you, or it doesn't.
Austin : [Looking over her shoulder] God, you're so beautiful.
Alice : Aw, thanks Aussie!
Austin : [Distracted from looking at his reflection in her mirror] What? Oh
yes, I suppose you're reasonably pleasing too.
------
Alice : I guess you're not exactly what you'd call media friendly, huh,
Uncle Harvey? Kinda like Thatcher before she had her makeover by the spin
doctors.
Austin : [Indignantly] You mean Lady Thatcher attacked a news crew?
Alice : No, she had a moustache.
------
Alice : I thought you were running from someone who was trying to kill you?
Doop : Yo, baby! [Points at Alice's pregnant bump] Procreate, Ovulate,
inseminate, propogate! [Shakes his thang at Alice] Eh! Oh!
Austin : I think that, in his own peculiar way, he is telling us that he is
too stupid care.
------
[Enter ADAM TORQUE, with three armed men. They all draw weapons upon
seeing the party.]
Alice : Shriek! How come that guy has three arms!
Austin : He doesn't, there's just someone else standing beside him.
------
Doop
: Oh yeah, dat's the dude with d'attitude. You! Attitude, platitude, gratitude,
er... [clearly can't think of another word.]
Alice
: Ineptitude?
------
Orla : [Staggers over to Clint and gives him the once over] Hi Roger,
would you like a blow job? [Stands smiling inanely at the shocked party]
I mean a drink! [Waves the bottle at him] A drink, I mean! Would you like
a drink?
Clara : [Under her breath] Oh for God's sake.
Alice : [Nodding knowingly] Yeah, how many times have we all made *that*
mistake!
Austin : [Glancing at himself in the hall mirror] Not often enough, I fear.
------
Harvey: [Deep sigh] Thank you for saving our lives, young
lady. You're just the best girl in the world! A little
drunk, perhaps, but still the best!
Orla : [Eyes filling with tears] Aw, do you really think so? [Puts her arm
around Harvey] I think you're great too Dick.
Alice : [Pouting] I thought *I* was the best girl in the world.
Clara : No. You're just the stupidest.
Alice : No I'm not, I'm so clever, I can even spell "Glynxprtle".
Clara : That's not even a real word.
Alice : See?
------
Black : I have no wish to have any cordial introductions with you Victor,
I know you all too well. It is a simple situation. You have information
about my fish, and I will kill you unless you give it to me.
Orla : I thought you were going to kill them anyway?
Black : Damn! I knew I shouldn't have sent her out to meet them! [Slightly
muffled voice] Get her out of there.
------
Orla : Hey! My feet are all wet and cold, what's going on?
Alice : There. [Adjusts the angle of Orla's bottle.]
------
Clint : [Knits his brows] Correct Austin. You are wrong Yvy, Mr. Black is a twisted mad man
destined to shower again and again in cold water.
Yvette : Mais non, monseiur Roger, I know only too well that Mr. Black is
a twisted mad man. And, mon dieu, if only it was cold water that he
showered in!
Clara : [Looking at Clint] At least he showers !
------
[CLARA
picks up the bottle and smashes it across ORLA's head, knocking her unconscious
to the floor.]
Clara
: That should shut her up for a while, can we get the hell out of here
now? [Mutters under here breath while drying to dry herself off]
That was my best leather armour.
Clint :
Good shot Clara! Leave? We just got here. Besides, there is a huge ugly mob
outside, remember?
Alice
: [Horrified at this display of violence] What about the ugly mob
in here?
Clint
: We can't all be blessed with good looks my dear.
Alice
: Ugly in looks and ugly in behaviour!
------
[The unfortunate YVETTE backs further into the corridor, revealing
it to contain three doors. One of these slides back, revealing a man
sitting behind a glass screen, with a cat on his lap.]
Yvette : Oh merci! It is Mr. Brown!
Alice : Mr. Brown is a cat?
Yvette : No, he is just holding a cat.
Alice : What is his name?
Yvette : Fluffy.
Alice : Fluffy Brown? Kind of a strange name for an arch criminal, eh?
------
Brown : How do you think I
got this? [Points to the scar on his eye]
Alice : Er, injudicuous use of an eye liner pencil?
Harvey: Freak gardening accident? BlackBeard the Pirate convention?
------
Alice
: Hold on there, Clinty boy. Let's see what the doors say.
[There
are some things written on the two doors. ALICE stands in front of the
first door and waits a few moments.]
Alice
: No, it doesn't say anything. Then again, that's no surprise, seeing as
how doors can't talk.
------
Clint : [Mumbles something incoherently] I like Tigers. Here kitty, kitty.
[Opens the door that reads "This way leads to a Grisly Death"] Ah, kitty?
[A huge tiger jumps out mauls CLINT.]
------
[CLINT
punches the tiger square on the jaw, the tiger responds by dragging its
claw across CLINTs arm.]
Alice
: Do something! Do something!
Yvette
: Mon dieu! I am only the maid!
Alice
: Well, I didn't want to bring it up, but there is a terrible smell of
tiger shit coming from that room.
------
------
Brown
: [Cackling with evil laughter] Hah! But your friend here [buzzes
Lenin] has. Speak now, and tell me more - why do you think I'm a bastard,
I'm really not, I'm actually quite a nice person, I even collect t-shirts.
Tell them, Brandy.
Brandy
: He's not a bastard, he's actually quite a nice person, he even collects
t-shirts.
------
Brown
: Well, while we're waiting for dinner, what would you say if I said I
have a dangerous mission for you, that will probably result in the deaths
of most of you and will bring me great reward, even though I will not put
myself at any risk?
Alice
: I'd say you must be out of your tiny mind.
Brown
: Well, I have a dangerous mission for you, that will probably result in
the deaths of most of you and will bring me great reward, even though I
will not put myself at any risk.
Alice
: [Gasp] You must be out of your tiny mind!
------
------
Brown
: Quick quick! Give them all some beer before they destroy the place. Yvette,
it looks like you'll have a lot of cleaning up to do in here!
Yvette
: Merde!
Brown
: Oh that's right, the toilet will probably need cleaning too.
------
Brandy
: The obvious flaw is that we're not talking about a simple dropping of
beer bottles on the doorstep and some quick rumpy pumpy with the bored
housewife, milkman style. Oh no, this delivery system involves a highly
complicated sequence of knocks and codewords.
Alice
: [Knock knock knock] The beer is here.
Brandy
: Doh!
Alice
: [Delighted] See, just shows how simple it is.
Brandy
: No, it just shows how simple you are.
------
Harvey:
[Sighs mournfully] Alas, alea jacka est! I have become an alchoholic
after my very first glass of beer! What is left for me? Searching bins
for dog ends on filthy city streets, asking people to 'spare 5p mate, for
a cupa scald', drinking bottle after bottle of Buckfast and Special T,
and falling asleep outside nameless big town shops, pissing my trousers
and puking on my neighbours card board home? Days covered in scabs, lice
and being picked at by rodents? What is left in this life, I ask you? There's
nothing for me here now. Yes, I will be on that boat!
Alice
: [Looks incredulously at Harvey] Pissing in your trousers? Puking
on your neighbours box? Scabs? Lice? Rodents? Crikey Uncle, sounds like
you went to the same college I went to! And what a college it is - almost
top of the range equipment, lecturers and facilities, and located in one
of the most scenic regions of the country.
Brandy
: Could that be interpreted as a group of second rate alcoholics using
cast-off books in boarded up classrooms to teach a group of spoiled brats
how to shop?
Alice
: [Folding her arms huffily] They also taught us how to put on make
up.
------
Brown
: Ah, well done sir! [Salutes Harvey] I knew you had the adventurer's
spirit the moment I saw you.
Yvette
: Master, is that why you said "he looks like he'll die of a heart attack
before I get a chance to kill him".
Brown
: [Shaking his head] Someone remind me why I employ her.
[YVETTE says nothing but just looks at her ample bosom.]
Brown
: Ah, now I remember!
------
Alice
: And what, pray tell, do we have to do?
Brown
: Its quite simple actually, I need you to kill someone.
Alice
: Well, lets kill Clara, because she's been really annoying.
------
------
Doywanna
: I sense the presence of water.
Willing
: Of course you do, you moron, that's because we're on a boat.
Doywanna
: No, it is stronger than that - closer than that.
Beta
: Could it possibly be your wet t-shirt?
Doywanna
: My t-shirt isn't we-glugh! [Steps back in shock as Willing throws
a bucket of water over her.]
------
Doyouwanna
: [To Jerome] I can see from you that you are a man of science,
who deals with facts and data, who has a love for figures, engineering,
problem solving and playing Doom.
Alice
: Wow, she can tell all that from just looking at him?
Beta
: My guess is that she saw his digital watch and "Linux Rocks" t-shirt.
------
Alice
: I wonder, what does it mean that
Scoobovich survived being burnt at the stake?
Doyouwanna
: It means he's a witch! A witch!
Alice
: And what must be done with him?
Doyouwanna
: Why, he must be burnt at the stake, of course!
------
Alice
: Well, do you know what I think?
Doyouwanna
: I do, because I'm a mind reader, and the answer is yes, you do have to
be careful when writing "Clink", because yes, yes it can look like Clunk.
------
Doyouwanna
: Because I'm the most important member of the crew, that's why! Without
me, the crew would fall apart, without my advice the captain would flounder
when dealing with new acquaintences, without me to warn you of impending
danger, this vessel would have been destroyed a thousand times over. If
I was gone, the crew would fall apart, there would be discomfort followed
by restlessness followed without a doubt by mutiny. The crew would murder
the captain before turning on each other, butchering and sodomising each
other until there is but one of you left, who would no doubt throw himself
into the sea.
Alice
: And what's the real reason?
Beta
: She's the only one who knows how the washing machine works.
------
Doyouwanna
: [Getting angry] There is no need for that - the longer it is on
the ship the more danger there is. If we wait for you to learn your spells
we're all going to die! Look, already the skies grow dark from its evil.
[Suddenly
everything goes pitch black.]
Alice
: Did someone just throw a big blanket over us?
Doyouwanna
: [Lifting the blanket up] Well yes, but I bet it will get dark
soon!
------
Alice
: I think she has a point. We shouldn't just open it simply because it
is here - we should consult carefully reasoned and logical arguments before
doing anything. Our minds should be open and our opinions swayed only by
factual arguments.
Piker
: So what do you think we should do?
Alice
: Oh, I agree with Jerome, because he's so dreamy.
------
Patch
: Anyway, the point is, none of you landlubbers should undermine her unless
you've got a good reason, and solid proof.
Alice
: What about if Jerome mutters some mumbo jumbo and claims its a magic
spell?
Patch
: Arr, that be the kind of solid proof I be talking about.
------
Doyouwanna
: He's talking about the chest, and is the only one of you talking
sense - throw it over now, I say, now! Now, now, now, now!
Alice
: When do you want it thrown over?
Doyouwanna
: Oh, whenever is convenient.
------
Chastity
: [Claps her hands and says with utmost sarcasm to Austin] Can we
all play the 'State the Obvious' game? I'll start. We are in a boat.
Alice
: [Putting up her hand] Me me me! I want to play! Okay, let's see:
Chastity has been really helpful and has made a number of useful suggestions.
[Pause] Doh! Guess the game is harder than I thought!
------
Patch
: [Standing at the bow of the boat] Arr mateys, this be what sailing
is all about.
Alice
: The fresh air? The smell of the sea? The motion of the boat?
Patch
: Nay lass, rubbing your crotch against some splintery wood.
------
Clint
: The sea can change a man. Just look at Harvey, I think he's turning into
a woman!
Alice
: I wonder if there's any danger of it turning you into a man, Clint.
------
Harvey
: [Grabs a hold of the chest, and shouts back to the boat] Throw
me a rope and lets haul this onboard!
[ALICE
throws him a rope.]
Beta
: On ships, we normally hold one end when we throw down rope.
Alice
: And I'm expected to know this?
------
Torville
: Let go of those logs, you bastards. If you don't both you and I will
die.
Alice
: And if we do?
Torville
: Then you will die and I won't.
------
Alice
: [To Clara] Do you serve *any* purpose other than to irritate people?
You've done nothing from day one but serve us lumpy porridge, put hard
butter on the table and make unconstructive comments about people's hair
colour.
------
Torville
: [Pushing Clara away] Let me go, you oaf! How dare you ask who
sent me! [Shouting] Who sent me? Who sent *me*?
Alice
: Is he asking us, or just ranting?
Torville
: Ranting.
Alice
: Oh, in that case, are you going to tell us who sent you after us to kill
us?
Torville
: Sure. It was you.
------
Torville
: You might have figured out what is happening, but you can't change the
past - because if you do, the future, and therefore the present, will be
different. And, if they are, then you won't know to go back and change
the past, so you won't change it, so it reverts to its original pattern.
That's why *I* will be the one to guess the code, and you mob will stuck
in the loop for all eternity, moowahahahaha!
Alice
: Oh no! Stuck in the bathroom forever, what a nightmare!
------
<
---------
Alice : Do you think we might be in trouble, Jerry?
Jerome : Dr. Jerome K. Trindle, BSc PhD suspects that we just may be.
Austin : [Waves a small white silk hankerchief]
Alice : Phew! Thanks Aussie. [Grabs the immaculate white silk handkerchief
and blows her nose in it. When she hands it back, it has somehow become a
moth eaten, brown cotton handkerchief, covered with all manner of
disgusting and impossible looking stains.]
---------
Alice : [Pointing up a street] Look, its the police. They are usually very
friendly, polite and helpful.
Policeman : Let's catch the bastards and beat them up!
Alice : Wow! Even nicer than usual.
Lenin: [To police] Opressors! Fiends! Fascist Bastards! [attempts to grab
Beaucephalus the Wondersword, all the while shouting invectives at la
polizei] The revolution will crush you like the parasites you are!
Alice : Shut up Lenin, don't insult them! You have to watch shooting off
your foolish mouth, otherwise the facist, oppressive, doughnut-eating,
sandal-baiting scum may turn on us. [Shakes her head sadly] That's the
problem with today's communists, no sense of diplomacy.
---------
Jerome : Clearly, we cannot escape through that door. Our choice is clear,
we can either hide in some of those large cupboards [points to a set of
conveniently large cupboards] or exit through this door here. [Points to a
door that clearly leads to either a hall or another room.]
Alice : Hah! There is, of course, a third possibility. We could drape that
large sheet over ourselves, thus obscuring the view.
Jerome : Interesting suggestion, dearest Alice, but flawed slightly.
Firstly, there would still be an unexpected shape in the middle of the
room when the occupant arrives, secondly, just because we can't see them
doesn't mean that they won't be able to see us and thirdly, and really,
this is the clincher, that is not a large sheet, merely a small pocket
handkerchief, carelessly discarded on the floor.
---------
Olivia : Well said, Jim-Bob. [Firmly, to Clint] Now, Jimmy-Joe, you heard
Jim-Bob, put that away before you hurt someone with it, and wash your
hands. God only knows what that thing has been stuck into.
Alice : His sword?
Olivia : Oh yes, that too.
---------
Austin : [To Clara] I could make your tummy bigger for you, free of
compensation, if you'd be so kind as to descend into quadruped stance.
Clint : Not in front of the cakes Austin, please!
Alice : Eauh, suddenly that cream doesn't look quite so appetising!
---------
Austin : [To Clara, with a shrug] Never mind,
you'll come to understand your place in society eventually.
Alice : In the meantime Austin, you've left us in no doubt about yours.
---------
Jerome : [Scooping a liberal finger full of cream from one of Olivia's
cakes] Mm-mm.
Chastity : [Poking Jerome roughly in the back] Don't speak with your mouth
full!
Jerome : [Swallowing the cream] I wasn't!
Chastity : But you were tempted.
---------
Austin: [Moves to the back door, opens it as if with the skills of
an expert thief and peeks through to see if the coast is clear] Come on
folks, time to leave!
[The party slip out the door with incredible skill, making less
noise than a shadow climbing with the evening sun.]
Alice : [Bang! Slamming the door behind her] Doh!
Beaucaphalus : [Very loudly] For God's sake come on! Get the thing open
before the cops realise that the door isn't even locked, just pushed out!
I mean, just how dumb can they be?
Policeman : [From without] We might be dumb, but we're not deaf.
---------
Clint : [To Alice] Are you okay? [Pull
her through the fireplace]
Lenin: Is Alice okay? [almost collapses with hysterical laughter, then
scrambles through the fireplace] Comrade, your wit would cheer a dying man.
Alice : [To Lenin] Comrade, your dying would cheer a man of wit. [To
Clint] I'm fine Lenin, the lamp hit me square on the forehead, but I've
never had any feeling there, not since that pram accident, anyway.
---------
Mannfred : A doctor, eh man? Well, there's Doctor Newman man, I mean, he's
a superman, man, but [face drops] but man, after the snowman, man, well,
man he was never the same man, man. But, if you're looking for a [makes
inverted commas sign with his fingers] "doctor" with some "sedatives", I
better take you to Doctor Washington.
---------
Clint : [Leers with renewed respect] You would? Doctors can be queer boys?
That's a new one on me.
Jerome: Obviously your sexuality is in question as you incorrectly
interperated the arse reference to one of homosexual activity. This does,
in fact, coincide with a study Dr Jerome K. Trindle B.Sc. Ph.D. read
regarding the loss of one testical and subsequent loss of male hormones. If
you are inclined, there is a doctor paying good money for a case study such
as yourself.
Austin : [To the good Dr Jerome K. Trindle B.Sc. Ph.D.] I don't believe it has
anything to do with his testicles, he's just gay and doesn't want to to admit
it to himself. What says the good Dr Jerome K. Trindle B.Sc. Ph.D. to my
hypothesis?
Alice : Oh that's just great, [waves one upturned hand at Clint] one party
member who's gay and doesn't know it, and [waves the other hand at Austin]
one who's gay doesn't want us to know it!
---------
Clint : [Huffs mightily] I haven't taken this much abuse since the damnable
aliens fed me M&M's through a straw.
Alice : True. Of course, it wouldn't have been so bad if they had fed them
to you orally.
---------
Clint : [To Irving] Did you call me Austin? Outrageous!
Irving : [Rolling his eyes] No, what's outrageous is the fact that none of
the other party members haven't killed you yet.
---------
Argy : How about Johnny?
Irving : Ee lad, what would Johnny the Sheep Shagger know about this?
Argy : Actually, I was thinking of Johnny the Snitch.
Jerome: Where might we find this "Johnny the Snitch"?
Clint : The Johnny who shags may be of more interest. [Smiles innocently]
Alice : To you, maybe.
Argy : [Looks at Clint's innocent smile] You know, they say that's the
kind of smile the sheep had before Johnny came along.
Irving : Johnny the Snitch?
Argy : Actually, I was thinking of Johnny the Sheep Shagger.
---------
Alice : [Watching Austin taking some Parmesan from a silver tray, and then
dusting his nose with a delicate doily.] Hm, I'm not too fond of taking it
that way, it just doesn't look classy enough. Now this [points to a tube
with a nozzle at one end, and the other end attached to a large bag,
filled with some kind of cheesy liquid] this looks a whole lot better.
[Takes the nozzle] What do I do? Suck it?
Irving : [With much consternation] Ee, lass, no! That's a Diary Product
Enema Kit!
Alice : [Noticing the contented smile on Mannfred's face] Eauh! Maybe I'll
just have a glass of water, and maybe wash my hands.
[A dark stranger appears at the end of the alleyway.]
Johnny : No one make a noise, no one make a move. Ask your questions,
leave the money, and I'll give you the information. No one shine a light
at me, no one ask me my name, no one do anything that might identify me.
Alice : So, that's Johnny the Sheep Shagger, then?
Johnny : [Shouting] I'm not Johnny The Sheep Shagger, I'm Johnny The
Snitch!
Austin : [Checks the fine creation that is himself in the mirrored blade of the
Sword of Wonders] Let battle commence. I could murder a good woman.
Duane : I hear ya, buddy! [Clinks a bottle roughly against Austin's and
drinks from it.]
Alice : [Astonished] Hold on a second.
Duane : I hear ya, buddy! [Clinks a bottle roughly against Alice's and
drinks from it.]
Alice : We're not really going to murder someone, are we? Especially not
someone we know and who helped us out before?
Duane : I hear ya, buddy! [Clinks a bottle roughly against Alice's and
drinks from it.]
[One of the other customers, sitting down at a table, whispers
something to his friend.]
Duane : I can't hear ya, buddy! You'll have to speak up a bit. [Drinks
from his bottle.]
---------
Alice : [Still lying on the floor] Hello? I have been punched here, okay?
Can anybody see what has happened to me? Is there some reason I'm not
getting any sympathy? [Turns her head to one side, to look at Clint, who
has a crossbow bolt protruding from his chest] Well, at least Clint got
shot, so that's something.
---------
Alice : Come on everyone - Jerome, Lenin, let's follow before this gets
any worse.
Jerome : [Taking Alice by the hand and making up the stairs] Sensible
words indeed, young Alice - your wisdom belies your copious application of
bleach.
Alice : Well, you know Jerome, I do like to think of myself as one of the
smarter, more aware people in the pa - ow! [Breaks off as she falls over
an unnoticed chair.]
Jenny : [Unimpressed at Clints antics] Sir, sit down. There is only one
host here on the [does a quick Saturday Night Fever pointy thing]
D.I.S.C.O show, and it is not you, sir! [Thunderous applause from the
audience] Now, I hardly think that a man such as yourself is in a position
to criticise anyone else, not since you, with your homosexual ways have
broken up several marriages by having affairs with the husbands!
Audience : Boo! Hiss! [Other sounds of righteous indignation]
Alice : [All excited] Wow! Maybe we're here for a makeover show!
---------
Clara : [Nodding tearfully] Its true, Jenny, they put me through all kinds
of humiliations, when I tried to hire them to find my husband. Even
Chastity, who's supposed to be religious, was always very vindictive,
underhand and downright evil.
Alice : Sounds like the typical nun to me!
---------
Clara : [Stands up, kicking back her comfy chair, and ripping her floral
print dress off, which she then throws to the floor, amidst much cheering
from the audience. Unfortunately, she is wearing her normal clothes
underneath.] You want to know the real reason I brought you on the show?
Well do you? Huh?
Alice : I bet she's a man! I just bet it. It's no "Ready Steady Cook", but
its a close second!
Clara : [Pointing at Alice] Well, that's ONE of the reasons!
---------
Stephen: [To Alice] I believe you're thinking of "Ready Steady Cock",
Alice. That's on right after this show! [Looks closely at Alices image
through his VDU screen] Shriek! Makeup! Get me makeup in here right
now! Someone come in here and try to make her nose look less, well,
[holds his hand about a foot from his face] huge! We'll lose viewers
cause of that gargantuan hooter! [Looks from left to right] Excuuuse
me, but where the hell is makeup?
Alice : [Angrily to Stephen] I'm glad to see that your expulsion from the party hasn't
dulled your razor sharp wit. Anyway, [poking her finger through the cling
film that Stephen is holding up in front of her] that's not a VDU, its
just a cheap piece of plastic, but not, might I add, as cheap as the
plastic that was used to make your so-called leather trousers.
[The audience give an "ooooh".]
Stephen: Oh! Said the cow to the bullock!
[The audience give a more high pitched "ooooh" in response to
this.]
Alice : Bullock? The only bullocks about you is the bullocks you talk! A
girly boy like you probably has even less cojones than Clint, and your
pathetic outer skin [points out Stephen's leather trousers] probably owes
less to any kind of bovine animal than even a McDonalds quarter pounder
does!
[Bursts of applause, "right on" and "you go girl" come from the
audience upon hearing this retort.]
Stephen: [Snorts, looks Alice up and down] Well, I'm glad to see that
the closing down sale is on at Ms Byrites!
[Gasps and cheers from the audience.]
Alice : [Handing Stephen a tissue] Why? Are you going to buy a new pair of
pants there?
[More applause for ALICE.]
Stephen: I was going to buy you a present, but unfortunately, they
don't have Big Pregnant Sow size, missie!
[Gasps of horror come from the audience.]
Alice : And this, you know from previous experience shopping for yourself,
no doubt!
[Whoops of delight come from the partisan audience.]
---------
Adam : Behold! The infidels are here. Let us capture them, change their
evil ways, and rid them of the terrible disease they have.
Alice : Hey, you know, he doesn't sound half as bad as I remember. This
could work out pretty good for us.
Adam : And then, my friends, then we will force them to drink our urine
and flog the skin from their backs, before staking them out to let the
birds peck the eyes from their heads!
---------
Austin : [Heads for the exit, attempts to hit the "make the studio go dark and
spotlights on Clara and in the face of Torque" buttons] "Jenny, Jenny".
Stephen: [Lights up a cigar] So toots, what did the cops promise you
for grassing out your friends, fame and fortune, or your own freedom?
Why, I oughta bust ya in the chops, which I would if you weren't a
dame! [Turns excitedly to the party] Hey, I sounded just like Cagney
then! Hmm, shame I was trying to do Lacey though!
Alice : [To Stephen] Like your underpants, you mean? [Sees Austin hitting
the button] Hey, excellent idea Austin, what a cool button.
[Unfortunately, it is not a "make the studio go dark and
spotlights on Clara and in the face of Torque" but a "let loose four
thousand chickens in balloons" button.]
Alice : [Marvelling at the chicken containing balloons pouring onto the
stage] Yay! Is there anything better than chickaloons? [Chanting] Jenny,
Jenny! [Joins the crowd, who are now on their feet, trying to grab
chickens and/or ballons.]
---------
Hillbilly : Hot diggidy, they've got chickens in condoms, I ain't never
seen it that way 'round afore!
---------
Jerome: [Follows the others into the confusion that is the audience,
passing Jenny in the process] Jerome K. Trindle would spit upon you were
he that kind of man, for he frowns upon this fracas as much as any sane
man would.
Lenin: [Bolts after the others, spitting on Jenny] Lenin is that kind of man.
---------
Chastity: We can't steal a Police Van. That's illegal. We should find
another way to get to Eva so we can assassinate her.
---------
Stephen : Goddd! Isn't this just like the A-Team! All of us in the back
of a van on a mission to god knows where! [To Clint] Crazy fool!
Alice : Can't say I ever liked the A-Team, I much prefered the B-Team, you
know, where a crazy, misfit group of breakfast chefs would descend on
people's homes and put together an amazing breakfast from whatever trash
was lying around. My favourite was Mr. Tea, with all his mad herbal mixes.
Ah, they don't make programmes like that anymore.
Stephen : Hmm, I heard to avoid Cannibals sausages, whatever the cost!
[To
Manfred] To Irving Washingtons please. He might know where Washington
Irving
lives!
---------
Stephen : Oh yes indeed, this is what I like! A good bit of
action! [Shouts] Okay, that's a wrap everybody! Take five!
Now, bring out our stunt doubles and we can get ready to shoot
the next scene - the street fight!
Alice : [Turns to Stephen] Stunt doubles? Excellent! That's a great idea!
[Turns back to the others] Do you know, we should be using them all the
time.
[The carriage pulls up alongside the party, and the policeman
leans over and smacks ALICE across the head with his baton.]
Alice : Ow! Hey, that hurt!
---------
Stephen : [To Jerome] Wowee, doctor! Looks like that new voice
transferrence
device you've been secretly working on is finished! That really
sounded like your voice came from between Scars taut buttocks!
Austin : Curious, Mr. Hitchberg, how your voice sounded like it came from
between your own, flaccid, buttocks.
Stephen : That's cause I'm doing a handstand, Mr Sleaze!
Austin : Ah, so that explains why your face is suddenly less displeasing
than before.
Stephen : I had no idea that you found my genitals so appealing! I'm
looking forward to the shower scene already!
Austin : It is not that I find them appealing, more the fact that they
are simply less loathsome than your face.
---------
Austin : [Inspects himself, cleaning and preening Maplin first, and recovers his
former splendor in a matter of moments] Cha, cha, cha. Nevermind Alice, if you
had a brain you wouldn't be half as funny [Squirms in glee at his own beauty.]
Alice : And if you had a spine Austin, you wouldn't be able to bend over
backwards to lick the asses of your clients. [Squirms in disgust at
Austin's vanity.]
---------
Stephen : Well, problem
solved! Why don't you come with us!
Spandrel : What? Join in with a group of wanted thugs, murderers and
sadists?
Alice : Yes, so essentially, your work wouldn't change.
---------
Alice : You've been very quiet about Gary, Clint.
Clint : Yes, I was working on a plan for how to cope with him [nods at
Jerome] stealing Gary's girlfriend and party off him. [Turns a clipboard
to Alice, covered in all manner of complex high order differential
equations.]
Alice : [Squinting at the board] Wow, what does all that mean?
Clint : That I'll stand back and bitch at everything you all do.
---------
Argy : [To Stephen]
Now, genius, what do you think is behind that other, big, blocked door?
Stephen : [To Argy] I don't know. Perhaps there's a big pile of
dirty underwear you can sniff!
Argy : [To Stephen] If I wanted to do that, I'd just sniff yours.
Stephen : I don't wear any. [To the party] Let's check out the other
cell. [Moves towards the door]
Argy : [To Clint] Hold me, I'm scared!
Clint : Not as scared as you've just made me!
------
Stephen : I want a script change, please! I want to say what
she just said! It's not fair, I thought I had the best lines
here! Damn it, stop the scene, I'll be in my trailer!
Alice : The last time you had a good line, Stephen, you snorted it!
------
Vincent : [Shouting at the party] Stop! Do you hear me? Stop! Stop your bickering you bunch of
morons!
Alice : [Shocked] Well, I'm sure I don't know what to say. Where does he
get off calling you lot morons?
------
[The cupboard hits the ground again, sending everone rolling
around and getting hit by some of the many cats that are now sharing the cupboard with them. A large crack appears in one side of it, dangerously close to
STEPHEN.]
Alice : [Rolling around] Kind of ironic isn't? The place is crawling with
pussy, and still Stephen ends up near the crack?
Stephen : [Head close to Alices bottom] Unfortunately it's your crack,
so it's like being back in the Grand Canyon!
Alice : [Parp!] Who's that? Your last boyfriend?
------
Book II, Act IV, Scene II
Clint : [Punching Sven's shoulder back, slightly harder] Aha! Welcome the viking to
our beach! What's with the horns?
Sven : [Roars with laughter after Clint's punch] I like your style,
friend! [Gives another friendly, yet harder than Clint's, punch back]
Truth of the matter is that I'm not a viking at all, its just a great way
to get bimbos. [Turns to Alice with a cheesy smile] How're you doin'?
Alice : [Swoon] Um, ah, um, pleased to meet you, Mr. Penis. [Pause] Horn!
Goring!
------
Lenin: [Dryly to Sven] I suppose you'll be wanting hero sandwhiches, Comrade?
Sven : [Still with an arm around each of Clint and Stephen] Haw! [Winks at
Lenin] What a personality! But, I must say, I prefer co-operation
sandwiches.
Alice : Eauh! What's in those? Stuff like people's appendixes and tonsils
and things? [Shivers
------