[Act 8, Scene 1. Clint Scar's Kitchen in Queens View. Thursday 5.30pm. ALICE, CHASTITY, AUSTIN and CLINT are here. CLINT has a beard and is grossly overweight, he is wearing a velvet smoking jacket that makes him look ridiculous, he is busily eating a chicken leg. AUSTIN is dressed all in black and is standing, holding a bible. CHASTITY is also sitting, with her feet on the table. She is dressed all in leather, jacket and miniskirt with 5" heels, and is smoking a cigar. ALICE is standing at the sink, making coffee for everyone, she is wearing glasses and has a shiny tracksuit on her. She looks about six months pregnant.]
Alice : [Turning around with the tray] Who's for coffee?
Chastity : [Slowly and cooly raises her hand] I'll go for a coffee. [To Clint] Well Clint, how are we doing. I trust you like [glances at Alice, before leaning closer to Clint and speaking softly] the Rolex I gave you. [Smiles] [She sits back and tugs hard on the cigar, occassionally glancing over at the man in black].
Alice : [Puts the coffee down with a bang] A rolex? I didn't know you had given him another present. Any one else for coffee? [Looks out the door] I'm sure they'll be in in a minute.
Chastity : [Looks somewhat surprised and guilty] Oh Alice, dear. I didn't mean to upset you. It wasn't supposed to be a secret. Your darling of a husband did me a favour. And as you know, I always return a favour with a favour. [Looks with suspicion at her coffee] Come and sit down. You shouldn't be doing things in your condition. We want a healthy young male as the latest addition to the family. Now, sit down. And here, [offers Alice the cup] take my coffee. I'll make a fresh pot.
Alice : [Acidly] Thank you, Chastity, but it is done now. [Puts the tray on the table and sits down].
Austin: [Frowns in disgust, not directly at Alice, but at the way she handles the cup] I would rather not have a cup, if that was at all possible, as Philli has demonstrated to me the filth of consumption of such impurities. [Turns to face Clint] Could you give us no hint of what it is that you wish to discuss?
Alice : Suit yourself. [Drinks her coffee, and opens a book on the table which she begins reading, it is titled "Advanced Abstract Architecture of the Atom"]
Chastity : [To Clint] Yes, Clint. Surely you can give us a sneak preview. I'm surprised you feel the need to talk to the others about business. Surely it is a matter for just you and I. [Carelessly knocks over her coffee] Damn! Never mind, I'll get myself another. [Makes coffee for herself.]
[ALICE wearily gets up and gets a cloth, with which she mops up the spilled coffee.]
Alice : I think if Clint told us it is important enough for everyone to hear, then it is. I suggest we just wait for the other two, I can't imagine what is keeping them. [Sits down again.]
Chastity : [Starts drumming the table with her over-long scarlet red finger nails.] So, what did the doctor have to say about the baby? Everything is fine I trust. And what is that that you're reading? [To Austin] So, did you manage to beg any more money off Clint. He's always been a little careful with his money. [Walks over to him, and stands, pulling her short mini-skirt up a little, just enough for him to see, but nobody else] I'd love to confess my sins to you, father. Maybe we could arrange a private session, [purrs] hmmm.
Alice : [Barely glances up from her book at Chastity, before muttering under her breath] I don't think I'm the one who needs to see a doctor.
Clint : [Grabbing a mug of coffee and drinking it with a ludicrously loud slurping noise] No Chastity, I need the other two here, so you'll just have to wait.
[Enter JEROME. He is wearing a pair of filthy dungarees and all his hair is standing on end.]
Jerome: Did someone need a doctor?
Clint : [Glaring at Jerome] No, and if we did you're the last person we'd ask for.
[Enter HARVEY. He is wearing a silk shirt far too big for him and a pants so large he has to keep it tied with a piece of string. He has some soot on him and his hair is standing on end.]
Harvey: Hubba hubba, here I is.
Alice : [Looks from Jerome to Harvey and back again] Have you two being playing with the kite again?
Harvey: [Guiltily looks downwards, puts a finger in his mouth and shifts uncomfortably from foot to foot] No. What kite?
Alice : [Standing up] What kite indeed! [Takes out a hanky with which she proceeds to clean up Harvey's soot-covered face.] How many times have I told you not to play with the kite during a storm? [Turns to Jerome] And you, Jerome K Trindle, I would have expected better from you.
Clint: [Smiles which he usually doesn't do unless he wants something] So, Harvey, were you flying your kite in your matchbox?
Alice : [Glares at Clint] I thought you had something to tell us? Well, they're all here now. [Sits down again.]
Jerome: Awwww... Couldn't you at least PRETEND I'm a Dr with a B.Sc. and Ph.D.? Anyway, it was Harvey who was playing with the kite, not me. [Holds out his hands to show his innocence.]
Chastity : [Slowly moves away from Austin whilst still maintaining eye contact with him.] So, how about it, Father? [Sits down next to Clint] Okay, Clint. What's the news? And why do you feel it necessary to [looks around] il duce la...[Chastity speaks in Italian to Clint]
Clint: You all know the honorable Father Sleaze (both that sounds funny), and you may be wondering why we are here. I have decided that we as a family do not spend near the amount of [Looks at Chastity] QUALITY time together. So I have decided that we shall go on a picnic. And not just any ordinary picnic. I want a honest to Philli outing. We are going to Hillsfar. [Frowns and says something back to Chastity]
Chastity : [Sighs] That's it? You drag us all in here and worry us to distraction, and then announce in a matter-of-fact tone that you want to go on a picnic? Mamma mia! And why do you want to spend more time with the family? You're not dying, are you? [Looks towards Jerome's hands] Jerome, baby. Where's the gold bracelet I gave you? [Gives a cute look of pretend hurt] Why aren't you wearing it?
Clint: "Is that it?" [Sarcastically] Is that a trick question, you thick skulled dame? Hey, of course that's it. I just think we should spend more time together to get our family values straight. You get what I'm sayin'? You know we could ah talk about... ah ... ah... see we could... well we could do family things together. I'm tired of spending the days eating pizza and... okay well... [pats his large gut] I'm not tired of the pizza but I'm tired of spending such short time together. So ah, I thought if we were traveling to Hillsfar we would HAVE to spend time together. No I'm not dying. I'm not gonna eat at the huge spagetti restaraunt in the sky for quite some time. Speakin' of which, I am famished. Somebody fix the father and I a pizza. I haven't eaten in minutes.
Chastity : [Spying Harvey] Oh, here's that monster, Harvey. I do not wish to spend time with someone who is quite mad. If he must come, I want someone to keep him and his grubby hands off of me. I'm saving myself for someone else. [Looks towards Jerome]
Clint: [Laughes] That's funny. When have you ever saver yourself? He [Nods at Harvey] will keep his hands off you and keep his little matchbox escapades to himself or he won't get that ornamental dagger I promised him. [Looks at Alice] Wait, I didn't mean knife. I meant... oi I'm gonna get it now.
Jerome: [Shuffling his feet] Well, I didn't want to get the bracelet dirty, you know, playing outside and all. [To Austin] Father, tell us a story!
Alice : Everything she says is funny, isn't it? Why don't you leave Harvey alone? He's not mad, just a little....disturbed. [Turns to CLint] If this is a family get together, why is she here? And father Sleaze? Not to mention Jerome. And since when have you been intereseted in picnics? You know what happened the time you tried to bring spaggeti on the picnic, three men were strangled!
Clint: [To Jerome] Listen you little weed, we will have no stories told until we begin our travels. Then you can ask the good father to tell us a story. Now, let's get going. I am beginning to become impatient and you remember what happened to Guido when I became impatient last time.
[On board CLINT's carriage. Driving it is one of CLINT's henchman, DON CORLEONE. In the first seat are ALICE and CLINT, the second contains CHASTITY and AUSTIN, while the last has JEROME and HARVEY.]
Alice : Now that we are all on board, how about telling us what is really going on?
Clint: I already told you, sugah. You dames never get what you're told, do you. How many times must I ah beat this into your fat-ass pregnant head... we are going on a picnic! Father, please entertain us with one of them ah stories of yours. [Takes a finger and wipes the finish on the outside of the carriage] And my black Lincoln Towncarriage has a layer of dirt as thick as Harvey's fucking head! Who the fuck washed this last!?! [Looks at the roadside] Don, you rigatoni eating schmuck, did you just pass the Hilsfar/Cormyr exit!?! Damn, I knew I should have had Antonio drive. At least he wasn't caught polishing "Mr Wiggles" a couple weeks ago. [Sweetly] Alice, my love, move your bloated ass and get me out a map. I wan to see for myself if we are going the right way.
Chastity : [Sitting with her back to the door, so that she can see everyone in the car] Don Corleone, why are there no more guards following us? And was the route checked out before we set off? We don't want to run into any trouble. [Fingers the Colt 45 which is tucked safely inside her leather jacket.] And Clint, what skeletons have you been hiding in your closet?
Clint: [To Chastity] None you haven't slept with you fat ho. [Scratches himself and rolls his eyes in a thoughtfull gesture (well... for Clint)] Father, I apologize if I said something to offend. Please forgive me. Would you like for me to donate another 100 gold pieces to the local orphanage.
Jerome: [To Austin] Puh-lease tell us a story, Father! Jerome wants to hear a story - an' I bet Harvey does, too!
Harvey: [Looks out a window, before gasping with excitement] Wow! Look at those tiny cows! [Harvey points to a field about half a mile away] They're so small I bet I could fit the entire herd in my matchbox! [Harvey reaches out the window and attempts to scoop them up with one hand]
Alice : [Peering into the box to make sure there are no live matches] Are you sure there's space in the matchbox after you captured the bunglewarker yesterday?
Austin : [Surreptiously pocketing the money] The orphans of the Sr. Immaculata Memorial Orphanage will indeed be grateful, Mr. Sleaze. However, perhaps you might tell the others who else is joining us for the picnic?
Don : A-Mrs. a-Browne, don't worry your pretty head, with Don Corleone here, no one will mess with us, if he does, he'll find himself wearing a new pair boots, of the cement variety.
Harvey: [Looks into his matchbox, and then shakes it around a bit] It's gone! [Looks at Alice] My bunglewarker is gone! [Starts rummaging through his clothes in a panic] Mr bunglewarker, where are you? [A tear comes to his eye and he looks in anguish at Sr Chastity] I bet that mean old hag has stolen it! I bet she has, I bet she has!
Alice : [Looks sadly at Harvey] No, Harvey, no one has stolen it. It has just gone away. [Turns to Austin] Fr. Sleaze, why don't you just come out with it?
Don : What the-? [Turns around] Look, in the a-mirror, it ees a horseman, trying to catch us!
[Enter CURATE, panting on horseback.]
Curate : Father Sleaze! Father Sleaze! Important news!
Austin : [Blocking his ears] "Louden not thy voice, lest its raucous and shrill tone offend the delicate aural passages of Phili" Dolby 23:13. Tell me your news, young curate, but first remove the sweat from your brow, its putrid odour offends me.
Curate : [After cleaning himself] It is Fr. Joseph Jacob, he isn't in Hillsfar, he is at the Aillell temple.
Austin : Thank you, you may go. [To Don] We do not need to go to Hillsfar, we are going to Aillell's temple.
Don : Hey! A-Clint! What's alla thees with the priest, eh? Where are we a-going? [Gets agitated] Ah! Antipasto! Donatelli! Signori! Ravenelli! Di Matteo!
Austin : Remember Clint, the lord smiles upon those who tell the truth.
Clint: Sure, father. Okay. I'll try that. Heya, Don, we were going-a to meet a friend of Fr. Sleaze's. That is all you need to know. [Looks around] I'm famished. I haven't eaten a full meal in twenty two minutes and fourteen... fifteen... sixteen seconds. Don, take the Towncarriage to Aillell's temple.
Chastity : [Rolls her eyes back in despair] Where the hell are we going now? And what's with the secret? Surely, as your business partner, we have to communicate properly. You're almost as bad as that pathetic George Browne I married. [Leans her head against the window, and pulls out her wooden replica Colt 45] Wooden you know it? [Laughs. To Austin] I was given this as a present by Ragattoni by way of an apology. You see, he wouldn't let my nephew appear in the nativity, and I had to be very persuasive. I remember him saying to me, 'Chastity, you can be very persuasive.'He woke up that morning covered in blood, if you take my meaning. [Winks]
Clint: [Crosses his legs] Chastity, doll, you can be-a [voice cracks] very persuasive. I will-a tell you in all good time. Just be-a patient.
Austin : [Standing up] I cannot let this go on any longer, the truth must be told. We are going to visit Fr. Joseph Jacob, the renowned dream interpreter, to interpret a dream that Mr. Scar has had. Mr. Scar, do you wish to tell the others the contents of the dream? [Looks to Jerome] I believe that Jerome might have a similar story to tell.
Jerome: [Blushing] Father, I told you about that dream in confidence - you know how those sorts of things embarras me. [His hands move unconciously over his groin]
Clint: [To Jerome] Not that type of dream you schmuck. [To Austin] You mean the dreams where we six were walking along a beach, and Jerome and Harvey become twins?
Harvey: [Sadly closes his matchbox and puts it back in his pocket] I had a strange dream also! I was being chased across a vast green praire by giant peanuts, who kept saying "Bugga bigga bugga bigga bugga bigga bugga bigga bugga bigga bugga bigga bugga bigga iiiieeehoowww. Bugga bigga bugga bigga bugga bigga bugga bigga bugga bigga bugga bigga bugga bigga iiiieeehoowww. Bugga bigga bugga bigga bugga bigga bugga bigga bugga bigga bugga bigga bugga bigga iiiieeehoowww - ting!" [Scrathes his armpit] Oh yes, and I was wearing a tinfoil thong!
Alice : [Rolls her eyes] I told you, Harvey, you are not going to get that thong back.
Austin : Strange as it seems, there's been a run of crazy dreams, I myself have been plagued by them, and recently I discovered that young Jerome here and Mr. Scar have had similar dreams.
Clint: I think it would be-a better if you told them about the murder in the dream. I really don't ah do it justice.
Don : [Drawing his sword] Hey, a-Mr. Scar, there will be no murders here unless we do it, okay?
Austin : So be it, but let me preface my tale with my overwhelming sense of foreboding, I believe we are all in great danger, that the wrath of Phili is about to be visited upon us! That the six of us are cursed! Cursed to die in horrific agony, brought about by them! [Waves at Harvey and Jerome with his cross.]
Alice : Steady on, Fr. Sleaze, Jerome is about as threatening as two month old child with a paper sword that has just been dipped in water! And I know that Uncle Harvey wouldn't hurt a fly!
Austin : [Averting his gaze from Alice] I do not speak with unclean ones.
Don : [Stops the carriage, and clambers over the seat, pointing his sword at Jerome] Okay, a-mister green a-fingers, tell us your plan to kill Mr. Scar, before I a-cut off your fingers and plant them in your garden, capiche?
Alice : Clint! Stop him!
Harvey: [Looks up at Don, face white with fear] Don't kill my bestest friend in the whole world, mister! Please don't stick him! [Bottom lip begins to quiver as tears fill his eyes] He done nothing, I swears it!
Alice : Harvey, for God's sake stop speaking with that stupid accent! And you, Don, put that sword away this instant!
Don : The sword goes away when Mr. Scar says so. What do you say, Mr. Scar? [Prods Jerome with the sword] Will we get the truth out of him? Cut a few fingers off?
Chastity : [Leans over and kisses Jerome firmly on the mouth] I trusted you, Jerome, and I asked for nothing in return. How could you? [Eyes the sword, and looks back at Jerome] It's not personal. Just business. [Sits back down] I have no lover.
Jerome: [Sigh] Jerome has never had, nor will ever have, any intentions toward the bloody act of murder. Though such thoughts and actions may come easily to the mind of one as simple as the man pointing the sword at me, such things occur not to normal people.
[A surprised air comes over the carriage, as all the passengers look at each other in amazement.]
Don : [Prodding him with the sword] 'ey! He's-a been eating the dictionary!
Alice : [Impressed] Jerome, who taught you to say that? It was very good! What a clever young man you are.
Chastity [Looks puzzled] So, you mean that there is another Jerome? Don Corleone, I think we should go pick him up and have a quiet word in his ear. [To Jerome] Where is this other Jerome?
Jerome: [Irritably dismissing Chastity's question] When enraged, Jerome merely finds that by expressing his feelings in a more precise manner the chances are greater that misunderstandings will not occur. Call it a super power when I'm pissed off, if you want.
Don : Mama mia! Two Jeromes? Mrs. a-Browne, what are you talking about?
Alice : Well said Jerome, you must have done some more reading since we finished "Here is Bran".
Austin : [Covering his eyes] He is possessed!
Chastity : [Looking increasingly worried] Why's he talking like that? What's going on. Posessed by who? Clint! Do something will you. Don Corleone, keep that sword pointing where it is. [To Jerome] Come on Jerome. Speak. Who do you work for?
Alice : Don't speak, Jerome, let's get Mrs. Strangely Browne here to explain her two Jerome's remark first, to both of you. [Smirk]
Jerome: [Looking around the incredulous party] Why is it such a centre of amazement that Jerome becomes articulate instead of inarticulate once he gets angry? [Gesturing at the sword] Wouldn't that shock you lot into doing something strange!!??!? [Muttered under his breath] Though the father would probably just kneel and pray for the unsoiled sphincta of an altar boy...
Chastity : Look! [Points at Jerome] He's doing it again. He's talking about himself as though he was talking about someone else. [To Jerome] Stop it, this instance. It's really annoying. When you get angry, you talk all lardy-da. When I get angry, I make myself a necklace out of people's noses. [To Austin] Looks like we've got something in common there, Father, except I have to strap something on.
[AUSTIN leans over and slaps JEROME across the face.]
Austin : We must beat the devil out of him! If Fr. Joseph himself didn't want to examine you I would urge the good Clint Scar to cut a small hole in your head so we could chase the demons out.
Alice : [To Chastity] Alice believes that it's a pity you never thought to strap a gag on. [Smiles at her] Alice furthermore believes that Jerome's increased vocabulary and enhanced grammatical prowess are a result of Alice's endeavours with the "Where is David?" books. Fr. Sleaze, you disgust me -
Austin : How convenient, for you also disgust me.
[They are interrupted by an arrow whistling through the air and striking DON CORLEONE in the back of the head, he falls against JEROME and HARVEY, dropping his sword.]
Jerome: [To Don, a little smugly] See, that's what happens when your neanderthallic, over-hanging forehead instincts take over. You get shot in the back of the head with an arrow [To Austin] It says that somewhere in the Holy Book, doesn't it father. [Jerome ducks for cover]
Austin : [Diving undercover, and throwing some holy water over Jerome] Out! Out you vile demons!
[DON falls over as JEROME dives for cover, he is out cold.]
Alice : Oh no! What are we going to do?
Voice : Surrender all your valuables, and we shall cause you no more harm.
Jerome: [Whispering to Austin] The most valuable thing a priest has is his purity, isn't it? [Calls out] We accept! [Jerome's face takes on a strange expression of concentration]
Alice : [Whispers loudly] That's enough showing off Jerome. [Notices Jerome's expression] Oh god, please don't go to the toilet here!
[AUSTIN doesn't speak, but clenches his right fist, showing off his eight gold rings.]
Clint: DON! [Draws his blade and jumps out of the carriage] Fuck you, ya bastard! I'm Clint Scar, that's Mister Scar ta you, and I've not gotten this far in the world by letting common butt fucking theives like you take MY money. Also, you killed one of my best friends, you fuck! That's a-gonna cost ya. [Brandishes his blade at the archer and gets ready to dive behind the carriage if he has to]
Jerome: [Louder this time] Come on! We surrender, and all that. Come on out of the bushes, and we'll give you all our valuables. In fact, we have this priest... [Whispers to Alice] We can't do anything when they're hiding in the bushes.
Jerome: [Sneering] Ah! The stoic words of what we must hope is death defying stupidity.
Clint: Hey, shut up before I-a nick yor ass!
Jerome: Do you think you can come up with a cunning enough plan to accomplish that goal? Your planning ability is in question at present.
Alice : [Annoyed] That's quite enough Jerome!
Voice : Ah, Mr. Scar, what a pleasure this will be. Put down your sword you overweight, obnoxious, flea infested, odour filled piece of shit.
Alice : [To no one in particular] I guess they know him, then.
Voice : Put down your sword you fat fool, there are fifteen men in the undergrowth, we will kill you as soon as look at you.
Harvey: Come, come, Jerome! That's hardly charitible, is it? Are you alright Alice? You can hide in my matchbox if you like. It's safe in there!
Jerome: [Calling out again] Perhaps they should prove this by saying something.
Clint: [Lowers his blade but doesn't drop it yet] I'm not sure I heard you right. You want me to what!?! Listen here you fat-ass, wanker spanking, chinese food eating, mother of a goat, I don't know who you are, fuckface, but I wanna tell you that if you cross me, the boys WILL kill your lousy hides.
Jerome: [Whispering to the others] Does anyone complain when Clint spouts off more when HE's angry? No. Of course not. Everyone just wants to pick on Jerome.
Voice : The boys? I don't think so, you were seen leaving the town earlier, there's you, a dead henchman, two women, a priest and two morons, all against the fifteen of us. The er, Fifteen Silent Killers, they call us.
Jerome: [Laughing] Aaargh! They're going to fart us to death! Do you want our stuff or not? You're going to have to come out here to get it. And, we still haven't heard anything from your supposed fellow farty bottoms.
Alice : No one wants to pick on you Jerome, it's just that since that business when put a dead slug on your upper lip and pretended to be "Nude Charlie Chaplin" you've lost some credibility.
Voice : [Rather cross] Don't get them angry, or they will torture you to death. Okay, I'll get two of them to say something.
Clint: Hey, wait a minute. [Raise is blade once more] You little fuck. That trick never works. [Charges the bushes and jumps into them hoping to get cover if he doesn't find the guy] I'll-a get you you shithead!
Chastity : [Feels for a pulse on Don Corleone] Alice, why don't you go and help your husband. I'll try to get the car started. [Chastity will try and get to the driver's seat]
Clint : There are only three of them, I'll get the bastards!
Voice : Um, well, the other twelve are on the other side.
[Sounds of a fight come from the hedge.]
Clint: Sure, you bastard. Try another! Try to steal MY money, will you?
Alice : Hold on a second. You're the one with the gun stuffed down your bra, while I'm the one who's six months pregant and unarmed, and you expect me to sneak into the undergrowth and attack fifteen flatulent men! I don't think so!
Chastity : Gun? Gun? You mean this [holds up her wooden replica Colt45] Is that what they call them? And what use is it anyway? [Shouts to Clint] Come on Clint, hurry up and finish them off. You'll get a nice reward from me if you do.
Clint: [To Alice] Use Don's sword! He's not using it soon. [To Chastity] I might be better off if you would help me ya lazy thing. [Makes a grunting sound as if he is getting hit or sliced] Pazano, cementi, gravati, motha fucka!
Jerome: [Shouting] So there's one of you, and you have no arrows left. Is there anything else we should know?
Clint: [Yelling from the bushes] You are still a moron, Trindle. There are three of 'em back here, you slug wearing sap!
Harvey: [Counts on his fingers] One, five, twelve, ninety! Whoah! Ninety people in a wood, ninety men and not one of them good, ninety men a-whooping and a-farting, ninety men with...er, no burlgewarkers. [Peeks out the window of the carriage]
[Another arrow is fired, this time it strikes CLINT in the shoulder.]
[From the undergrowth advance three men, waving swords about, cracking twigs and farting like there's no tomorrow.]
Alice : [Peeking out the window] Oh no! There's three of them! [Looks around at the others] Come on! Help Clint, we can't leave him there, come on Father, get the sword.
Austin : "And lo, if a man strikes you on one cheek, you must turn the other." Do not preach to me, impure one. Let us give these brigands what they want and then be on our way.
Clint: WHAT!?! There is a lot-a gold in there. It's not like I can't a-make it back, but it's the principal of the matter. [Sighs] Fine, sheathes his sword. [To the farting killers] Don't a-mess with my wife or I'll a-have to kick your ass! [To Alice] Doll, I'm sorry, but the good father said so and he is much wiser than I.
Man : You made the right decision, otherwise we'd have to [makes a cutting motion with his finger across his throat.] Mm, wife, eh? I'll take a look at her.
Jerome: You know, those three men look kind of sleepy. [Speaks some words no-one recognises]
[Inside the carriage JEROME begins muttering something quietly to himself. Suddenly the three men in front of CLINT collapse in a heap.]
Alice : [Lying on the floor of the carriage] What happened? What happened?
Clint: [Unsheathes his sword] You'll do WHAT to my wife!?! [Runs the paralyzed man through] I don't a-think so, bastard. I'm not as young as I used to be but... what the HECK happened to them. Oh well, might as well take advantage of it. [Runs the other two through the heart] They ain't gettin a-back up. [Runs to Alice] Oh, doll, did they hurt you? I'm sorry.
Harvey: [Still peeking through the window, holds up his matchbox so it can have a better view] Urgh! Clint has just murdered three people while they slept! Mr matchbox is going to be none too happy about that. Not too happy at all.
Austin: [Jumps out of the carriage, shouting at Clint] What have you done? You have taken it upon yourself to murder these people [slices his hand through the air above the bodies] whilst they were unconcious - your sins. [Makes the sign of Philli] My goodness, I would go so far as to call you a Phillistein. [Kneels beside the bodies, fingers interlaced, and rings sparkling in the sun and begins praying].
Jerome: [Looking at the butchered corpse ala Clint] Well, they *WERE* just asleep. [Sighs, then suddenly beams happily] But, did we all notice that Jerome's spell worked! [Frowns] Only thing is - how do I know magic!?!?!
[An arrow flies from further up, this time missing CLINT. Another one is fired, hitting him.]
Voice : You murdering bastard! I'll be back for you!
Alice : [Opening the door] Oh god, Clint did you have to do that to them? [Turns back to Jerome] What do you mean your spell worked? What kind of rubbish are you talking about?
Austin : [Turns from the bodies] Possession! He is possesed! We must make haste to Fr. Joseph before he kills us all with his devilish powers!
Jerome: [After a distasteful look at Austin] I cast a spell on these men, to put them to sleep. It's not an evil power or anything, magic is quite respectable. And, with a bit of practice in this well practiced practice, I could set up my own practice pracically straight away. [Beams at Alice] Aren't you proud of me?
Alice : [With a horrified look] Puh puh p-proud of you? Jerome, where did you get these ideas from? I don't know what happened to those three men, but surely no one believes that Jerome cast a spell on them? I mean, come on, this is 1497 you know, we're not in the dark ages any more.
Austin : [Splashing holy water on Jerome] "Not an evil power?" My Phili, protect us from this thing on our journey!
Chastity : [Smiles at Clint] Well done, Clint. You were so brave out there. My husband, George Browne couldn't have done half as good a job. What a clever husband you have, Alice. [Cautiously walks over to Clint, looking out for any more arrows] Clint, come here and let me tend your wounds. [Strokes his head, and starts to bandage him up using the First Aid kit from the back of the carriage]
Alice : [Eyes narrowed, watching Chastity, but speaking to everyone] Now, what on earth happened to those three men? Why did they fall down?
Clint: [To Chastity] Thank you, Chastity. I would appreciate it if you would do something with this [points downward]. No not that! I was talking about my chest where the arrow is protruding. [Walks over to Alice with the arrow still in him] Alice, baby, are you all right? Those assholes didn't hurt you did they? [Goes to hug her but before he does turns suddenly to Don] DON! Are you okay? [Accidentally steps on one of Alice's feet] I was so worried for you, pazano. That motha fucka! I'm a-gonna kill him if I get the chance. [Bends down and looks at the wound]
Alice : Ow.
[The arrow didn't really do that much damage, DON knocked himself out when he fell. As CLINT pulls the arrow out, he slowly regains consciousness.]
Don : Mama mia! My a-head, she thumps louder than the drums in the San Siro! [Grabs his sword] A-Mr. Scar! We think it was them! [Points at Jerome with his sword.]
Clint: No, Don. It was them. [Points to the corpses] I took care of 'em. It was really weird. All of a sudden shamboli, wham, they were asleep. Jerome is having a spell. He's acting really weird. Other than that, he is fine. Don, you need to keep an eye out, my friend. I was a-fighting them alone.
Don : Uh aw! A-Mr. Scar! I was a-taken from behind while trying to find out what he was a-doing! [Prods Jerome in the chest with his finger] I don't a-like you boy, with your a-smell of compost, your unchic denims and lack of hair gel.
Alice : Leave him alone, you bully.
Austin : On the contrary, keep watch on him, for he is dangerous. Very dangerous. [Pauses.] Very very dangerous. Very very very dangerous. [Another dramatic pause] Very very very very dangerous.
Alice : Don't mince your words, Father, do you think he is dangerous?
Austin : [Ignoring her] Mr. Scar, why don't you tell the others about the dream? Considering what just happened here, I think it would be a good time to tell them.
Chastity : Oh, I get bored listening to other people's dreams, but if you must, Clint. [Looks at Jerome] I think that the Don and Father Austin are right about Jerome. He is dangerous. I spotted some rope in the carriage. Shall we tie him up, just in case? I vote we do.
Alice : Certainly not! Tie him up in case of what? In case the man who has been Clint's gardner for the last sixteen years turns out to be Seth incarnate? Pf! Stuff and nonsense! Why don't we just cut a little hole in his head to let all the devils out! Oh, and Chastity, you've got a little something on your chin. [Pauses] Oh, my mistake, its a wart.
Chastity : [Squeezes her wart really hard] Ow! [The wart bursts, sending a spray of puss and blood towards Alice] That's better. [To Clint] Well, Clint, babes, whaddya want to do? We can either tie him up and gag him, or cut a hole in his head. I'd prefer to tie him up, and I'm sure Jerome wouldn't mind that either. [Turns to Jerome and purrs] Well, Jerome, do you want Chastity to tie you up and gag you?
Austin: [Stands once again, but genuflects briefly after reaching an upright position] murmrmamermm. [Turns to face the others, and points a finger of castigation at Jerome] Never before have I witnessed such acts of heresy. [Flicks open his bible and intones] Thou shalt not invoke the powers of demons, nor summon their beings for upon doing so shall I cast upon thee and thine own such banes that thou and thy lineage shalt wilt and fall asunder. Hear me, for I am the voice that shall cause shuddering in evil doers and shall benefit those that hearken to my words. [In a more normal tone, once again] That was a passage from Jostle, chapter 12, verses 9 through 14. Cast away your sins, and bend to the will of the Lord. I have spoken.
Jerome: [Patiently] Jerome IS a magician! And I can prove it! I bet you all that I can make myself strong enough to beat Clint in an arm wrestle!
Harvey: Hocus pocus, drunks can't focus, topsy turvy, Chastitys got scurvy. [Harvey walks over to the bodies and begins searching them.]
Alice : Leave them alone Harvey, you'd never know where they were. Jerome, please don't start this again - remember the time you challenged Clint to a game of tiddlywinks? I'm sure having a broken arm [glares at Clint] wasn't much fun, was it?
Clint: [Smiles and sighs] That was a good game. [To Harvey] Get you hands off my loot, and go have a matchbox adventure or somethin'. [Clint shoos Harvey away and grabs whatever looks valueable on the three men] Remember that one time you got that Pee Wee guy in there?
Harvey: [Shakes his head, as if awakening from a dream] How dare you, Mr Scar! If you ever lay your hands on me again, I'll run you through! Do I make myself clear? [Turns to Chastity] Good Sister, these men seem to have stolen artefacts from a church. [Hands Chastity a chalice] Look, the chalice of Urgash, stolen recently from the convent by our very own private Sleaze! [Looks around the area] Where in Philli's name are we?
Alice : Harvey! What did you just say?
[DON CORLEONE steps out of the carriage, sword drawn.]
Don : I a-think I hear you wrong, simple boy.
Harvey: What sir? Are you threatening me, you ignorant blackguard? How dare you! [Places the chalice on the ground] Hand me a weapon and I'll meet your challenge, you oily slug!
Don : Now you are really annoying me, simple boy! [Sweeps a hand through his hair making an audible ``shlewp''. Cuts the string on Harveys pants, causing them to fall down.]
Alice : [Coming out of the carriage] No! Stop! Don't hurt him - Clint, make him stop!
Austin: [Looks heavenward, and seems to draw strength from it] Desist such tomfoolery, and gather thyselves once again and make peace with thy brethren. [Notices the chalice upon the ground, races over, sidestepping Harvey, to pick it up] Sacrilege, thou has profanded the name of the Lord by casting this chalice of Urgash aside. Fr. Joseph shall indeed be disappointed that this artifact secreted from his possession has been made impure. One hundred and fifty years worth of lips have touched cup of restitution. I know not how to cleanse for fear I should pass the impurities themselves into that holy aura that is mine own. Onward I say, to Fr. Joseph with such haste as we may muster, so that he may listen and consecrate that path that we shall be forced to walk in order for our redemption.
Alice : That's a good idea, why don't we all get back into the carriage? Perhaps someone might even tell us what this dream is about then.
Harvey: [Looks down] Gah! I'm undone! [Bends and quickly pulls up his trousers] Dishonourable brigand! [Attempts to kick Don in the knackers]
[HARVEY's kick misses the target, but lands on DON's thigh. DON punches him with the hilt of the sword, knocking him to the ground.]
Alice : [Running out and catching onto Don] Leave him alone, leave him alone!
[DON effortlessly pushes her away.]
Harvey: [Picks himself up from the ground, winded] Someone give me a sword, so I can settle this thing, man to man. Sir, I challenge you to a duel! Nobody, but nobody pushes my niece!
CDD : Missing post from Harvey calling Chastity sister?
Chastity : [She sways, dizzily, before sitting down heavily. To Harvey] You mean, are we related? That would mean [points to Alice] me and her, she's my neice? This is too much. Clint! What the fuck is going on?
Clint: [Attempts an uppercut with his sword hilt to Don's midsection] Boy, we have been friends for a long time. I a-treat you like my brother, and you a-touch my wife in a most violent way. Don, I a-love you like a brother, really I do, but if you touch MY Alice like that again, I'll hit you with the sharp end next time, you fuck. [Calms and turns to Chastity and Harvey] I have no idea what he is babbling about, but I don't think he's up to good. [Kisses Alice on the cheek and then brushes it with his index finger gently] I'm sorry, doll. He was out of line. Are you and little Clint okay?
Jerome: [To Clint] So, you're too scared to arm wrestle me, then?
Don : [Getting up] A-Mr. Clint, I apologise, I was just concerned for your safety.
Alice : It's okay Clint, myself and Alice junior are just fine. [Shakes her head] Now could we all just stop? Harvey, Chastity is not your sister, *I* am your niece, that's all. Now, can we please all get back into the carriage? And perhaps either Clint or Father Sleaze will tell us what is going on here. Oh, and Jerome? Roll down your sleeve and stop showing off.
Clint: [Gently to Don] Thank you, Don. You are a true gentleman. That is why I was a little surprised at your actions. I do appreciate your concern. [To Jerome] Boy, if you wanna to try me on for size, you don't have to ask twice. [Rolls up his arm and the party is suprised to see a very muscular and toned arm (unlike the rest of him) come from the fresh tailored sleeve. Corded muscles stretch and flex as he holds out his right hand to Jerome] I'm twice the man you will ever be.
Harvey: [Tuts loudly, looking at Don] I thought as much! As soon as the man is faced with a real challenge, his spine turns to jelly, the yellow livered cur!
Don : A-Mr. Scar, I respect you and your wife, but I cannot take abuse from a shellshocked halfwit. Let me teach him a lesson.
Alice : Harvey! Stop this at once, I mean it, stop it now! Can we please get back onto the carriage?
Clint: [To Don] Well don't kill him. If you want to pound him a couple times, that's fine, though. [Opens the door to the Towncarriage for Alice] Sure, doll. Let's go ahead and get in. Don and Harvey will be along shortly.
Alice : [Standing at the door] Oh please Clint! Don't let him do it!
[DON sticks his sword into the ground, smiles and punches HARVEY square on the jaw, knocking him up against the side of the carriage.]
Don : How a-much do you want, old man? You are like a bad piece of ravioli, greasy pasta on the outside and full of fat on the inside.
Clint: Don't worry Alice. He won't kill him. [To Don] I a-thought ravioli had meat on the inside. Oh well.
Don : A good piece, yes, Mr. Scar, but a bad piece, no. [Punches Harvey in the stomach, and again in the face.]
Alice : [Catching onto Don] Leave him alone!
Don : Hey! A-Mr. Scar, I don't want to push your wife, but you said I could do a job on him.
Austin: [Raises his right hand and moves towards the carriage] Little time have I for such miscreants that wish to settle there differences in a physical manner. I would ask in the name of Philli that they desist, for such uncultured behaviour is the natural instinct for burglewarks such as they are. I cannot believe that man has come so far to be ridiculed by the likes of such imbeciles. The way of peace and understanding shall lead to wealth and prosperity, yet you have forsaken that path. Mr. Scar could I not encourage you to intervene, and cease this silliness.
Harvey: Ha! Didn't hurt a bit! [Gingerly touches his ribs, before stopping suddenly, eyes wide] What the hell do you mean...wife? [Looks at Alice] Good gracious niece, what have you done? Don't tell me you've gotten secretly married to that greasy character! Dr Jerome, possibly, but Scar? [Harvey falls heavily on his backside in shock] Bu...ho...wha...gah!
Don : Hah! A wise-a move, stupido. [Goes back to the carriage.]
Alice : Harvey, you know full well that Clint and I got married last summer. Now, stop this nonsense immediately and go back to the carriage.
Clint: Greasy? Mmm... I haven't had a good pizza in a while. You know. One of them that drips grease from the peparoni. Now, Sotot Hut Pizza, the ones that deliver the spicey hot pizzas. They are a-good pizzas. [Seems to finally understand that Harvey was calling him greasy] Hey, wait a minute. Are you calling me greasy? Harvey, my little pizano matchbox boy, I suggest you lay off with the insults before I let Don, here, have another turn at you.
[Everyone now is back in the carriage, which begins slowly moving away.]
Alice : Well, are we going to be told why we have to meet Fr. Joseph Jacob? Obviously someone has had a dream of some description, but I think those of us who haven't had it should be told what on earth is going on here.
Clint: Fine, Alice. You bitch and bitch and bitch and you wonder why I am so tense all the time. I had a dream where all of us, here, were walking along a beach and suddenly Jerome and Harvey become twins and one kills the other and then... um... what else? Father, your dream was much clearer than mine. Could you explain it?
Chastity : [Shakes her head] The man [nods to Harvey] is completely off his rocker. Clint, you should have been warned that their family has a history of insanity. [Holds her hands up] I'm not saying Alice is nuts, just that she might become bonkers. I mean, look at Harvey now, he's just babbling nonsense and has completely forgotten that his own neice is married to you. I bet he doesn't even remember that awful banjo incident.
Alice : You know full well Chastity, that he couldn't have fitted the banjo up there without help from at least one, possibly perverted person. [To Clint] Clinty, there's no need to be tense, I just thought that if everyone knew why we were here that we might all get on so well. Now, let me get this clear, you dreamt that Jerome and Harvey were twins? They obviously weren't identical then, I presume. Which of them was killed? Jerome or Harvey? [Takes out a bag of apples and small chocolate biscuits] I brought along some snacks to keep us going until we stop, Harvey? Jerome? If you two promise to behave from now on and stop all this silly talk you each can have some of the biscuits in the shape of animals.
Clint: [Kisses Alice lightly on her cheek] Thanks, doll. [Takes a couple apples and cookies and begins cramming them into his mouth] I told you, they were twins so I couldn't tell which one died. They were identical. Um... I think. Maybe the dream priest will help with the vagueness of the dream as well. [Spits out an apple seed] Anyway, lets get going. The sooner we get to the priest the better. [To Harvey] Harvey, you really should behave. Little Clint [Points to Alice's belly] might pick up some bad habits. I've heard of babies learning from the womb. I wonder if it's true. Of course if he has half my wit, little Clint will be a genius. Just as long as he isn't a half-wit like gardener Jerry over there, he will be fine.
Harvey: [Clutches his head with both hands] By the saints, this gets worse and worse! Pregnant! Pregnant! My wonderful blood line contaminated! [Pinches himself] I must be dreaming..ow! [Looks at Jerome, beseechingly] Good Doctor! What is going on here! What has happened to us? I remember the Hamstrain crash, and then this! [Looks at Alice] Did you bring along those little chocolate soldier shaped biscuits I like so well? Remember the time I re-enacted the battle of Crevat '62, when you were but a gal! 'Twas all going splendid until you ate half the 5th Infantry, and half of Field Marshall McVities horse!
Alice : [First picking the apple seed off her face before leaning over and plucking a few large pieces of biscuit out of Clint's beard] I'm not entirely sure I remember that particular battle, Harvey, but I think we all remember the sorry scene when you kept Colonel Jacob captive and threatened to melt him until Fakir Baker was granted a full pardon. Hmm, Hamstrain crash? Sounds like Harvey's back to normal! Clint, that dream makes no sense - are you saying that Harvey and Jerome began to look like each other?
Austin: Yes, Clint, I concur. In my dream, both Jerome and Harvey morphed into twins and one slew the other, whereupon he did take it upon himself to butcher and slay the rest of us. I woke fortuitously, at that point, but it's meaning eludes me. With all haste should we reach our goal and have the good Father interpret it for us. I would urge both Jerome and Harvey to keep an eye upon each other, for I did not recognise the face of the beast that did slay us.
Alice : But what did they look like? Did they both look like Jerome? Or both look like Harvey?
Don : A-Father Sleaze, do not get your cassock in a tangle, we will soon be at the church.
Austin: [Shakes his head in denial] Perhaps I have not made myself clear enough. Perhaps the dream becomes clearer the more I try to remember the details. Perhaps Philli has decided to guide my mind in mysterious ways and has granted the power of the seer. [Trys to explain it again, in a tone one uses to teach children] Now, Harvey was Harvey, but there was another Harvey, neither of which were Jerome. Jerome was Jerome, but there was another Jerome, neither of which were Harvey. None of the preceding were anybody else, they were merely Harvey and Harvey and Jerome and Jerome. Yet they took it upon themselves, Harvey and Jerome, to slay each other, Harvey and Jerome respectively, and thereupon the two surviving who were not Harvey and Jerome, but Harvey and Jerome, again took it upon themselves to slay us. Now, if you cannot follow that, then I deem that you are indeed half-wits.
Alice : So a Harvey killed a Jerome, and a Jerome killed a Harvey?
Austin: [Writhes as if in agony] Philli guide me to conduct your will in a peaceful manner. Alice, if I were not so loathe to touch you, I would slap some sense into that numbskull that sits upon your shoulders. No, Harvey did not kill Jerome, nor Jerome Harvey, but Harvey Harvey, and Jerome Jerome. That was indicated with the word 'respectively', yet obviously it must have escaped your notice. Nor are they surnames, but who did what killing to whom.
Harvey: [Tuts loudly] Dear niece, don't let the mans rantings cloud your thought for another second. It's obvious to anyone that Private Sleaze has been raiding the cheese board once again. I would never harm the good doctor Jerome!
Alice : Thank you for your patient explanation father, the charity of the church clearly knows no bounds.
Don : Hey! A-Father Sleaze! Does the church usually have-a the flames coming out of it?
Chastity : [Looks over at the church] Oh for fucks sake. [To Austin - haughtily] I suppose you'll be collecting for a new roof again. [To Clint] I'm sure they do it on purpose.
Don : Ah! A-Mrs. Browne, that is not the Father's church - that is the church of Fr. Jospeph!
Alice : [Dryly] Yes, Chasity, after half a day's travelling, believe it or not, we are no longer in Queens View.
Chastity : [Drierly] I meant 'you' as a collective term, meaning the church as a whole. I know we're not in Queens View anymore. And instead of poorly attempting sarcasm, perhaps you should enter the church to see if there is anyone that needs help. You might also want to save any valuable cruets and the like.
Alice : [So dry that her voice soaks up a nearby pool of water and is STILL dry] I would have thought that stealing from a group of murdered priests was more in your line, Chastity.
Harvey: [Gasps in shock] What? Good God Alice, what do you mean by that? Sister Chastity is an upstanding member of the church of Philli! Oh, this is madness, absolute madness! [Looks at the church] Stop the carriage, this instant, I say! There may be some who need our help!
Don : Hey, a-Mr. Stupido, wait until the carriage is near the door, eh?
Alice : [Surprised at Harvey] Well, I'm sure [makes the quotes with her fingers] "Sister" Chastity is, but why would that stop her stealing from it?
Harvey: Good grief girl, did your convent education teach you nothing? Nuns don't steal! Maybe just borrow, and forget to give back, but never steal! [Looks down at his huge shirt] Why am I wearing a mizen sail? Where is my regimental uniform? Where are my medals? Gah! 'Tis all lunacy!
Alice : Harvey! You know full well that that is one of Clint's old shirts.
[The carriage pulls up at the church, which is smouldering slightly. Lying at the door is a badly injured priest, who has been beaten very badly.]
Don : Father Sleaze! This a-man, he needs the-a last rites!
Don : [Getting out of the carriage and drawing his sword] Those a-guys back there, they must have done this.
Alice : Come on, Father Sleaze! Aid the poor man!
Austin: [Looks upon the scene outside the carriage with obvious disgust. The blood drains from his head leaving it looking pretty damned pale, wrinkled and quite a bit smaller than from it's previous imposing stature. He then removes his hand from beneath his robe...] Stand aside. [Doesn't wait for anybody to move, jumps out of the carriage and lands on the ground running. When he reaches the priest, kneels beside him, cradling his head in his hands. Once again, he removes his hand from beneath his robe...] Father, father, what has happened? Who has performed this outrageous sacreligious act to a parish and it's priest that all have looked to for guidance and a role model? Speak, father, speak, so that we may know and avenge this deed.
Zachary : I am Father Zachary, the priest of this parish. We were attacked by brigands who tried to loot our church. I am mortally wounded, and Fr. Joseph has locked himself in a cell below. I fear for his mind, as he keeps talking about the "Chosen Ones" who he is going to help, and he has vowed to stay in the cell until they come to him.
Alice : [Getting out of the carriage] Who are these chosen ones?
Zachary : *Sigh* I do not know, Joseph gave something to Ishmail, the verger inside. It is a riddle of some kind, that only the chosen ones would be able to solve. [Looks closely at Alice] You are with child?
Alice : Yes.
Zachary : I hope your child will contain the soul of a *cough* good person, may Phili see fit to choose a *cough* good soul to reincarnate in your child.
Alice : Thank you. [Turns away, rolling her eyes] Pf! Reincarnation, yeah, right, next thing he'll be giving me a dried out Antelopes nostril for good luck.
[In the background, DON can be seen covering up the Antelopes nostril that he has hanging around his neck for some unknown purpose.]
Zachary : I don't know who they were, but there were four of them. *cough*
Harvey: Gah! Renegades and criminals! What type of creature attacks a church and tries to murder its priest! Animals!
Alice : No Harvey, the church doesn't have any animals.
Zachary : Uhhhhhn! [Makes a number of near-death noises]
Clint: [Wipes some biscuit crumbs out of his beard and looks at the church] I would go into the church and save the other priest but my general practitioner has always told me never to save old priests from flaming buildings on a full stomach. Anyone else want to try? [Looks at Chastity]
Alice : Well, the fire in the church is practically gone out - it looks as though it should be safe enough to go in.
Zachary : Find the chosen ones.. find the chosen ones.
Don : Isn't it the tradition for the dying man to tell people where there is a whole load of treasure with his dying breath?
Zachary : I believe so.
Don : Well?
Zachary : No, not very well at all, I'm about to die.
Don : Mama mia! Where is the treasure?
Zachary : Okay, five miles north of here there is a .. a.. [dies]
Don : I a-hate it when that happens!
Jerome: So, we head north, then?
Alice : What about Fr. Joseph? Wasn't the whole point of this trip to meet him?
Jerome: [Shrugging] So we met him. He died. It happens. Let's get the treasure!
Alice : [In a rather sad tone] I see you're back to your normal self, Jerome. In a way it's a pity, as for a while there you seemed like someone else.... Anyway, this isn't Father Joseph, this was Father Zachary, he just told us Father Joseph is inside the church, having locked himself into a cell.
Jerome: Oh.. Ooops. Well, maybe we should go and see him then. [Walks purposefully inside] Come along Alice. You dawdle so.
Alice : Fr. Joseph better have a good explanation for this, that's all I can say.
[Exit ALL, into the church.]
End Of Scene
[Act 8, Scene 2. The Church of Fr. Joseph Jacob. JEROME, DON, ALICE, CLINT, CHASTITY, AUSTIN and ISHMAIL the verger are here. The church has been damaged somewhat by fire, but most of it is now gone out.]
Ishmail : [Slowly] Welcome to our ... [pause] um, our, uh, [pause] ah..
Alice : Church?
Ishmail : Yes, church.
Jerome: [Slapping Ishmail on the back] Hey there, father. How's the son and the holy goat? Look, we kind of need to see Father Joseph, matter of life or something, so you go and tell him we're here, ok?
Ishmail : You ... [pause] want [long pause] to [excrutiatingly long pause] see
Alice : See Father Joseph? Yes, now, where is he?
Ishmail : [Surprised] Oh! He [pause] is [irritatingly long pause] down [pause] stairs in
Austin: [Frowns at Ishmail] I fear we will be waiting unnecessarily long, for an answer as to what happened here if we were to ask the verger, so we might wander downstairs. But then, obviously Father Joseph will have nothing to tell us of this desecration, as he will likely as not have seen very little of what took place. [Sprinkles some holy water about the floor] Phili grant this place your blessing once again, and serve the deserv-ed punishement to those that have forsaken you, hunt them down, quarter them, eat their souls and sentence them to the listening of 'Black Grape' for ever more, for they have done, not your bidding, but that of a lesser being.
Ishmail : Father Joseph is [pause] in his [pause] cell. [Slowly takes a piece of paper out of his pocket] He told [time passes] me to [pause] to .. to .. to [really long pause] give this to ..
Alice : Oh, just give it to me. [Grabs the piece of paper of him and reads it out.]
"One answer, Who came from where there are three of these Each made up of four equals That sat a party of five"
What? What's all this about?
Ishamail : For the ... the ... [pause] chosen ones [pause] they will nng, nng, [pause]
Alice : Well, any chosen ones amongst us?
Chastity : [Carefully makes her way through the rubble, but catches her stockings on a splinter] Shit. I've laddered them now. Oh. [Looks towards the alter] Sorry, Philli. Forgive me. [To Ishmail] Listen here. Will you just spit out whatever it is you are trying to say. You're getting on my tits.
Ishmail : Nng! Nng! [Looks at Chastitys not inconsiderable chest] Nng! Nng! Tits tits [pause]
Alice : Phew! I don't think I'll try guessing the end of that one!
Ishmail : Tits its its its a test.
Nng! Tits tits [pause]
Chastity : [Smiles at Ishmail seductively and purrs...] Come on darling. What are you afraid of? Why do you struggle to speak? [Fakes surprise] Oh! Are these [places both hands on her breasts and starts rubbing herself] putting you off? Don't worry. They won't bite. At least not whilst I'm wearing a bra. [Closes her eyes and rubs herself vigourously, occassionaly looking at Ishmail and smiling]. Ahhh.
Clint: [Looks at Alice] You in for a quickie? The doctor told us how to do it during your pregnancy. I was thinking we could practice.
Alice : [Sigh] Perhaps in a while, and you know, Clint, I really wonder if the doctor told you that we had to use a collar, a chain and small plastic duck, I'll have to check up on that when we get back.
Harvey: [Snorts] Spare us your weak excuses Scar! [To Zachary] Could you tell me where I might find the other priest, father? I must try to save him! Dearest Alice will tend to your wounds also. She got a Natural Genius grade in a first aid class at her school. [Rubs his chin thoughtfully] Hmmm, at least I imagine that's what NG stands for.
Ishmail : Nng! Nng!
Alice : Oh behave yourself, Chastity. Now, Ishmail, is Joseph downstairs?
Ishmail : Nng! [Pointing at Alice] You [pause] must
Alice : [Frustrated] Must what?
Ishmail : Leave here. Nng!
Ishmail : Nng! She [pause] must -
Ishmail : Leave here.
Alice : Why don't we just go downstairs?
Jerome: [To Ishmail] Sorry? I didn't hear that. What did you say? Let us depart via the downward stairs, to meet with this Joseph guy.
Clint: [To Alice] I still haven't shown you what the doctor said to do with the ham salad. [Grins] [To Jerome] Sure. Whatever. If the structure is safe then you can go first.
Jerome: Does Jerome *LOOK* like a safety inspection officer to you? Why am I always responsible for these places I didn't even bloody build! [Continues ranting as he wanders down the stairs] I don't know why I even...
Austin: [Looks to Ishmail, then to Alice] Alice, wife of my good friend Mr. Scar, were it to upset you if I were to explain that in the eyes of Phili, and so in the eyes of all his vassals, that your presence in the sacred sanctuaries of Phili is deemed an incarnation of uncleanliness. You bear child that has not yet been baptised in recognition of the Holy Order, and as such you bring a life here that desecrates the temple of the most powerful being known to man. You are unclean, and I think that Ishmail wishes you to respect his wishes by vacating the premises. I unfortunately can do nothing to deter his determination to have you removed and as such must ask that you not get offended. [Turns to Ishmail] Nod if my interpretation of the situation is correct. And I would also venture, knowing good Father Joseph as I do, that he will decline to speak to us if we do not pass this test that has been laid before us. Little would it aid us to follow the way of man, when Phili has declared a path that should be followed.
Alice : Tut! Fr. Sleaze, I will put up with the rantings of the priesthood about this notion of reincarnation, but I must draw the line at being described as unclean. I have never heard such nonsense in my life, it sounds like something from the inquistion of 1279. [Glares at Ishmail, as though daring him to nod.]
Ishmail : What Father Sleaze says [pause]
Ishamil : Is [pause]
Don : [Drawing his sword] Mama mia! If he is a-right, you a-nod your head, capiche? Now, is he a-right?
[ISHMAIL nods his head vigorously. The party descend downstairs, and there is a large door, obviously bolted on the inside. On one side there is a panel with five large buttons, each with four numbers written on it.]
2 2 4 4 8 8 16 16 32 32 2 2 4 4 8 8 16 16 32 32
Alice : Hmm, obviously that piece of paper is some clue to these chosen ones, whoever they are. I think we're wasting our time here, to be honest.
Austin: [Beats his forehead with the palm of his hand] This I do not comprehend. Why go to such lengths to avoid human contact. What befell Fr. Joseph that he is so reduced to this state of isolation and untrusting in the extreme. I shall pray for his soul and sanity to be saved. [Whips out a rosary beads-like chain and start chanting and muttering at sporadic intervals].
Ishmail : Father Joseph [pause] says that [long pause]
[The party are suddenly drawn to a snail which strolls across the width of the corridor.]
Ishmail : He will stay [pause] until the chosen ones [really long pause]
Alice : Come?
Ishmail : Where?
Alice : What happens if someone were to press the wrong button?
Ishmail : [Dramatically] Poison.
Clint: Oh man. That has a-gotta be a bad way way to end the day. [Looks at Harvey] Well, you wanted to come down here, matchbox boy. Now you a-figure out the trap. [To Chastity] This should a-be amusing. Don't you think?
Harvey: No, it won't be amusing, at all! Dear Alice, could you please read out the clue once again? I seem to have muddled myself with all the numbers.
Alice : [Sympathetically] Don't worry, Harvey, you don't have to be concerned with numbers. Just stick with the two times tables, you'll soon be moving on and up to really large numbers, just imagine, at the rate you are going you'll be doing seven times tables in two years! Anyway, here is the clue:
"One answer, Who came from where there are three of these Each made up of four equals That sat a party of five"
It makes no sense, I think we should just give it to Ishmail and go home, the whole journey has been a waste of time.
Clint: So which numbers go with that tale?
Don : Mrs. Scar, she is a-right, it a-makes less sense than the roadmap of Pisa! The other priest, he say there is treasure north of here, let's a-get that.
Harvey: [Turns to Don] I couldn't agree more with you, so why don't you just bugger off, eh? You go and find the treasure, while those remaining try to solve this puzzle. [Turns back to examine the buttons] Hmmm.
Don : Ah! A-Mr. Scar! Can I a-run him through?
Alice : [Crossly] Harvey, don't be so naughty, and keep back from those buttons before you hurt yourself!
Don : Or you get a-hurt!
Harvey: Oh tish and tosh, greasy little man! [Looks back at the numbers] Interesting, very interesting. Reminds me of a campaign I attended in 1265, a disastrous year for wheat growing as I recall! There were five numbered bridges, each one numbered just like these buttons. The enemy had booby trapped four, leaving only one safe to cross, to which they gave us a clue. Something to do with testing our prowess, or some such nonsense! But we showed them, the cads! Burned 'em all down and crossed the river on boats! Ha! That showed Johnny Foreigner not to mess with the Kings Reach 4th infantry!
Don : [Drawing his sword] Old man, you are a-beginning to annoy me! 1265 indeed, you don' even know a-what year it is!
Alice : Now, Uncle Harvey, you know that having once visited the New Palace at Kings Reach and having your photo taken in the "I Killed Dangsten Blackheart" booth doesn't qualify as having been a member of the 4th or any other infantry.
Ishmail : I must [pause] nng! Nng!
Don : Mama mia! If he is a-going to the a-toilet I will kill him here and now!
Ishmail : Ask you to [pause] leave.
Harvey: [Looking sternly at Alice] Now, dear girl! You know full well that I served nearly thirty years in the 4th, thirteen of which I was ranked as Colonel. As for this silliness about the new palace at Kings Reach, I'm at a loss. And the Dangsten Blackheart booth? Are you running a temperature, my dear child? Why, it was only a few days ago we battled with that villanous bad egg!
Jerome: [Brightening as he faces Harvey] This is a fun game! And I bet we were on this big train, powered by hamsters, that blew up and we all died!
Harvey: [Nodding his head enthusiastically] Ah good doctor! At least someone else remembers the Hamstrain! Thanks be to Philli, for a while I thought I was going mad! But doctor, how do you think we came to be here? And where is here? And even more to the point, when is here?
Jerome: [Seemingly amazed] Originally it came into Dr Jerome K. Trindle B.Sc. Ph.D.'s conciousness that the afore mentioned events were indeed images conjured through dreams. Now Jerome wonder if perchance this entire charade is the delerious imaginings of us lying, near death, on the wreck of the Hamstrain. [Shrugs] For whatever reason we believe we are here, let us make the most of it. [Turns to Don and the Father guy] Have either of you heard mention of Dangsten? Or lok Sotot?
Alice : [Mouth open] What on earth are the two of you talking about? If this is some silly game like the time you pretended you were both abducted by aliens who stole all the Carlsberg from our fridge, then you'll both be sent to bed without any supper tonight!
Ishmail : Well, [pause] I [pause] have
Don : Mama-mia! Letta me answer!
Alice : No, let *me* answer. Every body knows the story of Iok Sotot and Dangsten Blackheart! Iok Sotot was killed back in 1278 by Dangsten Blackheart, who himself died in 1296 during the alleged second coming of Phili. Everyone knows that, it's been taught in every history lesson for the last two hundred years, and well might I know, having been a teacher myself for the last three years. And don't start with me about Hamstrain crashes, we all know that it is one of the safest means of travel.
Clint: Alice, you are doing it again! [Pokes her head with a finger] Remember what I told you about doing that? I said "women weren't meant to ..." [Looks at Chastity] ... um... I... said "Alice is not supposed to think unless first asked." Remember?
Alice : No, Clint, I think what you actually said was "Alice is not supposed to speak unless spoken too, burp, where's the chicken leg I was eating? Oh, here it is in my beard!" or words to that effect. But I apologise for thinking too fast for you. Now, Jerry and Harvey, I don't want another word about Hamstrains or Dangsten or being dead, let's go. [Looks at the others expectantly(1)]
Don : A-Mrs. Scar, she speaks with the wisdom of Mama Ragu.
Clint: [To Alice] Yeah, and don't you a-forget it, woman. [To Don] Other than Fr. Sleaze, I am the wise one here, so don't you a-forget that.
Harvey: Not yet, girl! [Harvey bangs loudly on the door] Father Joseph! I say, Father Joseph! Are you hurt! We are here to help you, man! Open the door, as of the now, there's a good fellow!
Don : A-yes, Mr. Scar, I no forget it. [Rubs a scar on his cheek]
Alice : [Catching Harveys arm] For God's sake Harvey, behave yourself or I'll have Don take you outside. [Seeing Don's eyes light up] No Don, I just mean take him outside, nothing else. Father Joseph has voluntarily locked himself in there, and he won't come out until the chosen ones solve the riddle, whoever the hell they are.
Joseph : I have voluntarily locked myself in here, and won't come out until the chosen ones solve the riddle.
Alice : [With no small amount of self satisfaction] See? [Sitting down] Well, all this religious mumbo jumbo about reincarnation and chosen ones is beginning to bore me, tell me when we're ready to leave. [Takes out a book on existentialism and begins reading it. After a moment she puts it down.] I once heard the voice of God, you know. He said "Vrrrrrrrrrrrrrm". Of course, it might have been a lawnmower. [Shrugs and goes back to her reading.]
Austin: [Knocks on the door] Fr. Joseph, it is I, Fr. Sleaze that has come to seek your advice on a matter of the upmost importance. Dilly dally not about, and come out to us and I assure you your assitance is vital. Cease this game playing, for I know not what this riddle means, and the chosen ones are apparently unknown to themselves. [Pounds on the door, with his fist] I beg you to answer me.
Clint: [Pulls on the door] Open the door. Mama mia, this guy is
CDD - Missing end of above post.
Harvey: [To Jerome] Gah doctor! I can't make rhyme nor reason to this riddle! It's quite obvious that both of us are the chosen ones, for we alone remember the hamstrain incident and the battle with the Sotots! [Rubs his chin] Blast! Give me a decent battle anyday, to these frivolous numbers and nonsense!
Alice : [Putting down the book and tutting quite irritably] Stuff and nonsense Harvey, I've had quite enough of this business about being chosen ones.
Joseph : [Interrupting] Are there ones out there who say they are chosen ones? For I will not come out until they solve the riddle, even for you Fr. Sleaze.
Alice : [Sigh] Let's say you are "the chosen ones"
All : You are the chosen ones.
Alice : [Unimpressed] Cute. Anyway, if you are the chosen ones then it is quite plain that the answer to the riddle is either something to do with how you got here [rolls her eyes] or what you are here to do. [Glances at the buttons once again] Clearly, the riddle refers to the pattern of numbers on each button, it's just a matter of figuring out what the pattern could refer to.
2 2 4 4 8 8 16 16 32 32 2 2 4 4 8 8 16 16 32 32 "One answer, Who came from where there are three of these Each made up of four equals That sat a party of five"
Clint: Doesn't make any sense to me. Why don't you guess, little Harvey?
Jerome: [Scratching his head in confusion] Let us review this riddle in a precise and scientific manner. Have you all ascertained that the riddle has One in the first line, Two in the second, Three in the third, Four in the fourth, and Five in the fifth? What bearing this has on the solution has Jerome baffled at this point. As Jerome see's it, there are three ways to take this puzzle:
As a numeric puzzle -
Two Chosen Ones, came from three of these = 2 * 3 = 6 Four equals that sat a party of five = 20
As a real life puzzle - As in, Two Chosen Ones being people, where they came from in a physical sense. In which case, Jerome has no idea what there are three of, or what any of the other lines.
As a numeric puzzle, which also refers to the buttons which hold the solution, ie: One answer - Only press one button... That sat a party of five - ...Out of five buttons? The second, third and fourth lines contain the numeric puzzle.
Who came from three of these...
Jerome: [Sighs] I'm lost.
Alice : Harvey and Jerome, now, we all know that you are just pretending to be the chosen ones. You've had your joke so why don't we just leave now?
Joseph : Aaaah! I see a vision! I see two dull lumps of coal struck by a great power and turned to diamonds! I see the diamonds in a blaze of glory, I see they have a great power, a power to save lives! The chosen ones must be near!
Alice : [A little taken aback] Hmm, maybe there is some truth in the matter. Fr. Sleaze, you're the one who's supposed to know about these kind of things - could Harvey and Jerome really be [pauses, as though she can't believe she is saying it] the Chosen Ones?
Austin: [Turns to Alice in a sombre voice intones] As it is written in the Life And Times of Clarence Clipper and I quote 'Thou shalt be sent upon the earth in fleshy form to perform unknown tasks that shall become apparent unto you as thou dost seek the definition of the very goal you seek to achieve. And in such a manner shalt thou encounter yourself a many times over and over, yet never of the time from whence thou was brought forth, but that of another. Lives shall seem fleeting and time itself shall be of nothing.' I believe that, in accordance with Phili's will, this man has seen a great sight, and that he claims, and I too believe it, that the soul upon the body failing is released briefly and brought again to life in the birth of another child. Mention is also made of previous lives of affecting the future of others - a simple example would be a couple that are so greatly in love and suddenly separated by an untimely death may continue, with Phili's blessing, that love, for it is a great thing indeed, in their next form's upon this earth.
Alice : [Watching Jerome with an incredulous look] Jerome, I - humm, maybe there is something to this after all. The puzzle doesn't make much sense to me either, but your latter suggestion seems the least deranged of the two. I agree with one button, as we've been told that if we press the wrong one, or clearly, more than one, poisonous gas escapes. The "two" refers to the two chosen ones everyone is talking about. Now, [taking off her glasses and rubbing her eyes] maybe the five refers to the five of us? Not including Don and Ishmail who weren't there when we decided to make this trip? Then, the four might mean the four numbers that are on each button? So, [getting excited] what we need to know is where you came from, because that had three things that each bore some resemblance to one of the buttons, and the connection is the fact that there are four groups of the same number!
Austin: [After a slight pause for reflection] Yes, I would tend to agree with Alice but her theory must be tainted as she has tainted this sanctuary. However, according to elementary mathematics - elementary that is to say, as taught in the monastery - my knowledge would lead me to believe that it is not a simple multiplication but a use of the more complex power of. It IS a test of power, and hence it would lead me to believe, with Phili's hand to guide me, that it is a case of two to the power of a certain specific number. That number however eludes me but as the buttons indicate it must be between one and five inclusive. Perhaps we can ask Father Joseph, what number that is. Father Joseph, what number is it?
[Jerome suddenly reaches forward, and pushes button the button with "4"'s on it]
Austin: My God man, what have you done. I think some more consultation and we may have arrived at a deomcratic solution. [Falls to his knees and begins praying fervently].
[The button sinks into the wall, and there is suddenly a "hissss"]
Alice : Shit! I knew he wasn't the chosen one!
[Gas pours out of the button and engulfs the party, who all run towards the stairs, but are quickly overcome by the gas. When it clears, every one is sitting around coughing.]
Alice : [Cough] At least it wasn't [notices Don who is now dead] poisonous?
Joseph : I fear the wrong button has been selected, I hope that most people managed to survice.
Alice : [Goes to Jerome and slaps him a few times (for being so stupid) until his eyes open] What on earth were you doing? Why did you press that one? Why- [pauses as Jerome coughs up half a lung] eauh! I think Jerome is in trouble!
Jerome: [Gurgling] But, Dr Jerome K. Trindle B.Sc. Ph.D. was certain! The carriages on the Hamstrain... Three carriages... The layout... Four lots of four... Ack! Gurgle! Splutach!
Alice : Four lots of four? What is he talking about? If the Hamstrain he's talking about is anything like the new one from Queens View to Kings Reach then he surely should have said four lots of sixteen!
Jerome: [Continuing to splutter, now at Austin] Tell our mother I won't be coming home this christmas.... The light's fading... Alice, Alice! I love you to the very centre of my being! Please, I beg, send me to a happy grave with one parting kiss... [Puckers up for Alice]
Alice : Well, if Clint doesn't mind, and you're sure you won't cough up another bit of lung during it... [Looks from one to the other, but doesn't yet lean in]
Austin: Sadly, I must interject at this point. An unclean woman is unfit to kiss a dying man. The last thoughts must be of purity for if it is not, let me quote Uptappah, verses 11 and 12 'For if a tainted soul shall attempt to gain access into Phili's realm it shall be cast aside for only all that is pure, good and unsoiled shall pass between the sepulchre's of acquiesence'. Truly I know not what it means, but forget such a request that may damn your soul forever.
Alice : [Licks her lips seductively, and kneels down in front of Jerome] Okay Jerome, get ready for the most passionate, wet, gorgeous, deep and downright erotic kiss you've ever got in your life, when I'm finished kissing you I have no doubt that you'll feel a [face drops] oh, he's dead!
Austin: [Moves to kneel beside Jerome, clasping his hand in his own] Phili, if you see fit, grant this man his life, aye with three over two lungs if necessary and bestow upon him your blessing. If you do not see fit, then guide him in the ways that only you know of, and give him the gift of your eternal light. Failing that, [turns to look Jerome in the eye] we shall see you once again in the birth of another child. [Looks towards Alice's belly] Now there's a parting thought...
Joseph : If the chosen ones truly are outside, pick the correct button and I shall use my powers to reverse any untimely deaths my puzzle may have caused, for I have no wish to harm anyone.
Austin: Alice, my dear, it is fortunate that you did not take from him his dying breath, for you would have tainted his being to the core. However, we may see if there is a chance that things may be rectified. [Stands up, and steps over Jerome's body to stand in front of the door. Slowly, deliberately, reaches forward and pushes the '16' button. Folds his hands together and once again begins praying].
[An audible click can be heard from behind the button, and the cell door swings open. Enter FATHER JOSEPH JACOB.]
Joseph : [Wearing a rather natty multicoloured coat] They are here, oh happy day, they are here! The chosen ones, in my church! Oh praise be to Phili! That such a Holy event has occured in my church! Oh thank You! Thank You!
Alice : Actually, I think you may have killed one of them.
Joseph : Oh no! [Bends down to Don with a phial of liquid in his hand] I can see that this is indeed a chosen one, note his noble bearing, his strong body. Oh, how guilty I feel that my test has killed him. Fear not, for this potion shall restore his life force.
Alice : I think you'll find it's that one over there. [Points at Jerome]
Joseph : Yeah, whatever. [Goes to Jerome and pours the liquid into his mouth]
Alice : Phew, I'm not going to be Jerome's mother, so?
[Slowly the colour comes back into JEROME "ONE LUNG"'s face, and his eyes flicker open. ALICE kneels beside him and kisses him gently on the lips smiling.]
Alice : Welcome back, chosen one.
Chastity : [Finishes chewing on her extraordinarily chewy toffee] Gulp! [Shaking her head] Oh puke, puke, puke. Chosen one. He's nothing but a common handyman and gardener. Look! [Points to the buttons] He couldn't even get that simple puzzle right.
Alice : I don't recall hearing you suggest any solution, Chastity!
Joseph : [Averting his eyes from Alice] I believe Father Sleaze has a dream that needs interpreting, or is it one of the rest of you? I will be happy to answer any questions if I can, but I would rather we go outside, as I can't really have her [waves at Alice] in here defiling my church.
Chastity : [To Alice] And you were positively brimming with ideas, of course. [To Joseph] Yes, I've been having these dreams where I tie this strange man upside down, and give him oral sex. The wierd thing is, I don't seem able to repeat my rope-tying skills in real life. What does it mean?
Harvey: Ah, thank Philli, the good doctor still clings to life! What a trooper! Well done that man! [Looks at Joseph] That was a stinker of a puzzle, father! But how did you know that the good doctor and myself were on the hamstrain? What are we doing here? What is going on? Why am I wearing this awful shirt? Gah!
Joseph : I know nothing about a Hamstrain, it all came to me in a dream.
Alice : A dream?
Joseph : I will tell no more until we have her out of this sacred place, such a defilement will take weeks and hundreds of prayers to cleanse, I cannot bear her in her a second long- [breaks off as singing can be heard from upstairs, along with music]
[Enter THE CHOROUS, a group of smiling men and women dressed in ancient Egyptian costumes. Four of them are playing musical instruments.]
Chorous : Hey Joseph!
Joseph : [Astounded] Um, what?
Chorous : Tell us your dream, Joseph, tell us! [The music gets louder.]
[In a flash, JOSEPH whips off his habit revealing a stunning Elvis suit underneath, he grabs a microphone and begins singing.]
Joseph : Well I was wandering along by the banks of the river When seven fat cows came up out of the Vesper, uh-huh
Chorous : Mm-mm, bop shawaddywaddy, mm-mm bob shawaddywaddy
Joseph : And right behind these fine healthy animals came Six other cows, skinny and vile, uh-huh
Chorous : Mm-mm, bop shawaddywaddy, mm-mm bob shawaddywaddy
Joseph : Well the thin cows ate the fat cows which I Thought would do them good, uh-huh
Chorous : Mm-mm, bop shawaddywaddy, mm-mm bob shawaddywaddy
Joseph : But it didn't make them fatter like such A monster supper should
Chorous : Mm-mm, bop shawaddywaddy, mm-mm bob shawaddywaddy
Joseph : Well the thin cows were as thin As they had ever, ever, ever been Along came two farmers, many weapons did they yield And around my good church they created a shield
Chorous : Mm-mm, bop shawaddywaddy, mm-mm bob shawaddywaddy
Joseph : These farmers they said, with others they make five And that for us to survive they must all stay alive
Chorous : Mm-mm, bop shawaddywaddy, mm-mm bob shawaddywaddy
Joseph : I when I awoke the following sunny morn, That riddle you see, into my mind it was [pause]
All : Born!
[Exit THE CHOROUS to thunderous applause from the audience and cries of "more, more".]
Alice : [After the applause has died down] But what does it mean?
Joseph : The six cows refer to the Holy war of 1278, and how good in this land was taken over by evil, the two chosen ones [waves at Jerome] are obviously involved in some stunningly powerful group that suffered a near death experience, and are here to find a way to stop that happenning. Now, let us outside. [Exit ALL to outside the church.]
Alice : But what are they here to do?
Joseph : I don't know, that wasn't in the dream.
Alice : Hmm, oh Harvey, you're wearing that shirt because Clint was kind enough to give it to you, well, to the other Harvey. [Shakes her head] I still don't think I believe this.
Harvey: [Still applauding] Wonderful! Superb! Bring on the dancing girls, I say! [Calms himself down] But father, here to stop a war? Preposterous notion! I crave the battle field! I love the smell of napalm in the morning! I'm living for the day when we meet Sotot or his foul offspring, on the field of war! Kings Reach 4th....TO ARMS AND FORWARD!!!!
Jerome: [Attempting to calm Harvey down] Colonel, though Jerome appreciates professional enthusiasm, we may well take heed of the good fathers words. In some wars, there is no victor.
Alice : [Ducking to avoid being swiped by Harvey ] There is never any victor, but maybe that's why it would be a good idea to do whatever it is you are supposed to, to end it, that's what they're supposed to do, isn't Father?
Joseph : The impure one is correct - I can send you back to your own time with one item, which I presume you will use to prevent your deaths. You must choose carefully, perhaps it might help if you explain the situation?
Chastity : [To Joseph] You're sending me nowhere, you crazy old man. Clint, do we really have to put up with all this daydreaming nonsense. Harvey is playing soldiers, Jerome keeps talking about himself in that annoying way, and Alice [notices a puddle underneath Alice] has your water just broken?
Alice : Jerome talking about himself is somewhat less annoying than you talking, and no, Chastity, that puddle was caused by you salivating on seeing poor old Ishmail earlier, surely you recognise the stench from your breath?
Joseph : [To Chastity] Wrong on all three counts, I am not crazy, I am not old and I am not a ma- uh, well, wrong on two counts anyway. The only ones who are going anywhere are the chosen ones, the rest of you will stay here and live your lives as normal. Or as close to normal as you kind of people can.
Austin: [Ignores Chastity's outburst and turns to face Fr. Joseph] Father, the dream is a most frightening one indeed and contains portents of I know not what. It had these two [waves his hand at Jerome OneLung and Harvey] and these two aswell [waves his hand at Jerome OneLung and Harvey]. One of each killed the other corresponding duplicate and thereupon took it upon themselves to kill the rest of us. Most disturbing. I thought that you may give us an indication of it's importance, and Phili willing, guide us to avoid such a catastrophe.
Joseph : [Rubbing his chin] Hmm, a curious dream indeed.
Alice : Why are you rubbing Austin's chin?
Joseph : [Pulling back his hand] Oops, sorry, I was a million miles away there for a second. The dream seems to back up what I was saying earlier- but seems to warn of danger unless they are sent back. Becoming the twins clearly refers to the soul from a past incarnation taking over the body, but the deaths suggest they are unhappy with their lot - eventually causing the destruction of you all, or even more!
Clint: [Finishes a large sandwich and pops the olive off the top, into his mouth] Wait a minute. Before we talk about anything else, I must attend to some business. [Attempts to punch Jerome in the face] I would have done this earlier but I was finishing my sandwich. Little Jerome, I give you a job as my gardener for years and I almost never complain, then you do this to me and my wife. This is an a-outrage! She is a-my wife and her lips haven't touched another man's since Father Sleaze had us married. She kissed one of her cousins and I had him gutted like a fish.[Smiles viciously] Just like a-that [tries to snap his fingers but fails miserably]... like tha- [fails again]... aww fuck, you know how fast. Listen to me now and understand me later, you simpleton, you do very good gardening for me and that is why I'm not giving you a pair of concrete shoes now, but if you lay another finger, lips, or Philli-forbid any other part on her, I will personally stuff your ass and hang you as a trophy in my den over the fireplace... with a brass nameplate... and some greenery to trim the sides...hmmm... this is a-sounding like a good idea already...
Jerome: [Staggering back] Obviously enlightenment doesn't come so quickly for someone with the brains of a baboon. Wake up Clint Scar! [Mutters] And don't hit Dr Jerome K. Trindle B.Sc. Ph.D, else retribution shall be swift and plentiful. [Swings back] Mayhap a blow to the head shall restore your memory.
Harvey: [Watches the two for a moment] In the name of all things impotent! Good doctor, how many times must I tell you, that is no way to throw a punch! Throw your weight into it, for goodness sakes! Gah! And your thumb goes on the outside of your fist! [Starts chanting] Doc...tor! Doc...tor! Doc...tor!
[CLINT's blow caught JEROME off guard and draws blood from his lips, making him stagger back against the carriage. JEROME's first, practice, punch is pathetic, but he suddenly steps into CLINT and hits him with a ferocious punch, knocking him to the ground out cold.]
Alice : Jerome! What do you think you're doing? [Kneels down beside Clint and starts trying to wake him up.] You big bully Jerome Trindle!
Joseph : Please! Desist with this violence! Oh woe, what kind of chosen ones has Phili selected that they are brawling outside a church? Please, let us concentrate on why you are here.
Jerome: [To Alice] Jerome is indeed sorry, Alice, but such agressive behaviour on the part of Clint Scar cannot go unreplied. Jerome wonders what your reaction would be if it were Jerome unconcious? [Snapping about, to Joseph] Yes, let us concentrate. If we had an extremely large parachute, we could slow the train. If we had a few thousand hamsters, we could flick it into reverse. If we had a big gun, we could shoot that traitorous scum Great Western before he detaches the rear carriage. Do you have any of these items handy?
Clint: [Shakes his head] Mama mia, that's not our Jerome. I don't know who that is, but it's not our Jerome.
Joseph : Parachutes? I'm sure we could supply them, but when you return you can only bring a single item, so I'm not sure is that the wisest suggestion, and we certainly couldn't send back a bunch of hamsters. Also, you will be sent back about a second before you left, so maybe that will have some bearing on your decision.
Austin: [Bows his head] Thankfully it is not Jerome and Harvey that have been plagued with this bout of madness, for then the fear of Phili would be upon me, for they would turn upon us like Hezbant did upon his brethren. And such a bloody slaughter was that, the hairs upon my neck do rise.
Jerome: [Holding his hand out to help Clint up] Dr Jerome K. Trindle. B.Sc. Ph.D. apologises Mr Scar for inflicting bodily harm upon you, but your accusations were spurious, as this dream world we live in, where Austin is honest and you're married to Alice is just that, a dream world. Step back into the real world, and let us solve the problem of the Hamstrain.
Harvey: [To Jerome] Yes indeed, the problem of the Hamstrain. Excellent shot, by the way, doctor. Didn`t know you had it in you! [Begins rubbing his chin] Hmmm, let me see now. The train was heading towards the switch, with one of those dirty Pearse articles ready to switch rails. The brake lever wasn`t stout enough to stop the wheel and we`d run out of coffee, so..ah! [a look of enlightenment] We`ll bring back some coffee! [Thinks again] Maybe not. No, hmmm, we need something to stop that blasted wheel.
Clint: What are you talking about, Jerome? I am married to Alice. This is no dream. Furthermore, Good Fr. Sleaze has always and will always be a good honest man of Philli. I don't know what this Hamstrain problem is that you are talking about. I know what reality is. I am Clint Scar. I am a wealthy business man. You were my simpleton gardener until today.
Jerome: Ha! Your threats to fire Jerome will not daunt him while in his unstoppable persuit for truth, justice, and raw cabbage. Think back - do you remember anything of your life before this morning? Think back to Act 8, Scene 1, the truth is in there! [To Harvey] Yes, Dr Jerome K. Trindle B.Sc. Ph.D. believes that your suggestion may indeed be correct. A means to stop the wheel is what we most earnestly require.
Austin: [Perplexed] What gibberish. You speak as if you are an actor in a play staged for your own benefit. If however, you are referring to Mask, Chapter Eight Verse 1, then I must commend you on your biblical knowledge for it doth state 'He that takes it upon himself to make fresh coffee for those in need, shall be so rewarded as fits his ilk. Having such a task, and purpose of fulfillment, let ye glory and bask in the morning sunlight, for the heavens shall bequeath such weather as shall be required for such an occasion.' [Turns to Fr. Joseph] What say you of this, Father?
Chastity : Milk? I only have cream in my coffee. [Looking confused] But I still don't understand the problem with the train. There hasn't been a disaster in my life-time. Why it's as safe a bet as Alice after two I've told you that, although it may smell nice, don't sniff it. [Looks to the others] That would explain his loss of the very few marbles he ever had. Harvey on the other hand, well he's barking anyway.
Clint: I still can't believe he hit me. Our Jerome has always been harmless as a fly. I'll never forget the time I had Don tan his hide for trying to stuff sausages into his nose and do his retarded walrus impression.
Alice : [Finished soothing Clint] Jerome, might I point out that as far as we're concerned, it is you who are from the dream, make believe world! I remember plenty of my life from before this morning, and plenty about you - who could forget the sausage incident?
Clint: Or the time he painted my vineyard with tomato sauce because I wanted red wine instead of white, or the time he fell off the house trying to show Harvey how flamability of my prized chickens can be increased by higher altitudes, or the time he urninated on the salad because Harvey had told him that was what vinegar was, or the time he tried to milk the bull. Yuck, we had a time cleaning him up that time, didn't we? And speaking of urination...
[ALICE sighs and hands a large metal bottle to CLINT.]
Joseph : [Unable to take his eyes off the curiously shaped funnel at the top of the bottle] So, what would you need to stop the train?
Clint: No, not that. [Waves the bottle away] I was just thinking of more of our Jerome's escapades. [To Jerome] So, what did you do with our Jerome?
[ALICE puts the bottle back into her bag, making a suspicious swishing noise as she drops it in.]
Joseph : Our Jerome is still here, [moves up to Jerome and holds open one eye, peering into it] his spirit is temporarily pushed to one side, presumeably, it was easier for the chosen ones to take over the bodies of, well, less intelligent and weaker willed people than others.
Alice : Curious, then, how Chastity wasn't taken over.
Austin: [Mutters] Indeed, along with a few others. [Aloud, once again] You say then, Father, that he is possessed? [Whips out a bible, begins incanting, and showering Jerome with holy water]. Begone foul spirit, for thou dost take advantage of an innocent man, who was too feeble to defend himself. Strong in spirit yet weak in mind, such a door thou hast entered, and none shall love you for it.
Jerome: Stop this insanity! It is the rest of you who have been taken over! Dr Jerome K. Trindle B.Sc. Ph.D. and Colonel Harvey Kingston Short are the only people of sound mind! But, let us cease this infernal bickering and solve the problem at hand. Jerome believes a large, thick metal pole should suit our needs nicely. Or perhaps a steel girder. Or a magical or blessed sword - actually, that's what we want. A magical sword, which will stand up to the strain, and we can then use it afterwards.
Alice : [Waving a book on 12th dimension physics at Jerome] Excuse me! I most certainly haven't been taken over - you claimed earlier that none of us could remember what happened before this morning, when clearly it is you and Harvey who can't remember anything! Why, even Harvey couldn't remember the shirt that Clint so kindly gave him, and, Jerome Trindle, I don't know what kind of twisted, demented violent person you are in your own world, but the Jerome I know is one of the nicest, gentlest people, who would never go around beating up peoples husbands!
[It begins to rain]
Joseph : [Quite upset at all this] Please! Do not bicker! The chosen ones aren't evil, they are here by virtue of the fact that the five of you are inextricably linked, on the right side of the fight against good and evil. Harvey and Jerome are from somewhere else, which is why they don't remember anything before this morning, or why every one else seems different to them.
Alice : See? You're the ones who are different, not us!
Joseph : Now, about bringing something back, well, I'm sure we could organise a girder, it's just a question of exactly how we will get you back, now -
Ishmail : What about the [pause]
Joseph : [Glaring angrily at Ishmail] To the question of how
Ismail : Sword of Jer-
Joseph : Go inside Ismail. Now, about getting you back to where you came from.
[The rain gets a little heavier]
Harvey: [Clicks his fingers and declares] Of course! The holy sword of Antioch! The same sword we need to defeat Dangsten Blackheart! Surely it`s magic is enough to stop the hamstrain wheel! [Turns to Joesph] Well, do you have it? Or do you have a different sword? Sword of Jer, or something?
Jerome: [Quite pleased about the way his off-hand idea has paid off, turns to Harvey] Well, that is indeed the exact item we require! [To Josehp] Arrange it, good man. [To Alice] As Father Joseph has pointed out, it appears that Harvey and Jerome are indeed the members of this party who have slid into a parallel universe, to attain an item which whill save our reality from certain destruction. Please excuse my behaviour, which Jerome is sure appears strange and boorish compared to your reality. Though, [Turns to Austin] you haven't improved much. [To Clint] My apologies, Mr Scar, for damaging your frangrance sensory and breathing aparatus. [To Chastity] Jerome is afraid that you really should stop attempting to persuade Jerome to have social or physical intercourse with you, as in my reality you are a Nun and the whole idea is abhorrant.
Alice : [Regarding Chastity] A nun? Well, I don't know what kind of twisted, demented violent world you come from Jerome, but I'd sure like to see that! Anyway, could it possibly be any more abhorrent than now?
Joseph : I'm afraid I have no idea where the Holy Sword of Antioch is, in fact, I was under the impression that it was destroyed when Dangsten Blackheart was killed.
Ishmail : What [pause] about [pause] the sword of -
Joseph : The girder, yes, we'll get the girder.
Alice : How about we get some shelter? And why don't you stop interrupting him?
End Of Scene
End Of Scene
[Act 8, Scene 7, Thursday 8.30. The Queens Chamber.]
Ishmail : [Nodding to Alice] The Sword of Jeromitus Cristus.
Joseph : Absolutely not, there is no way that is going to leave this church.
Jerome: [Outraged] You deny a chosen one his own sword?!? I, Jeromitis Cristus forged that very
sword! Had I known it were here, my fellow chosen one [Indicates Harvey] would already have
blessed this place, taken back my sword, and departed to save the universe! Father Joseph, destiny
demands that you release that sword to me now!
Jeromitis Cristus: [To the shocked looking party] I shortened my name to Jerome to avoid the
Harvey: [Nods] It is indeed truth He speaks. But why will you not give Him His sword?
The sword of Jeromitis is not your rightful property. You also know that the purpose of
this church was to guard that very sword until we came! Confound you man, but have you
grown to covet your charge?
Joseph : Uh, I, um, ah, er, I aah, [pause]
Ishmail : For fuck's sake will you ever just spit it out! By Phili's two
beards I'm sick to death of people stammering and stuttering and going on
and on about something, I mean, he obviously doesn't want to give it to you,
but is too scared to say it. I hate that, when people want to complain about
something why don't they just come out with it? But no, you have to keep up
a polite front. It's like being on holidays with some kind of crap package
tour, I mean, what the hell is the point of being treated like sheep and not
complaining? What's the point of going abroad if you're just another tourist
carted around in buses surrounded by sweaty mindless oafs from Kettering and
Coventry in their cloth caps and their cardigans and their transistor radios
and their Sunday Mirrors, complaining about the tea - "Oh they don't make it
properly here, do they, not like at home"
- and stopping at Majorcan bodegas selling fish and chips and Watney's
Red Barrel and calamares and two veg and sitting in their cotton frocks
squirting Timothy White's suncream all over their puffy raw swollen purulent
flesh 'cos they "overdid it on the first day." And being herded into endless
Hotel Miramars and Bellevueses and Continentales with their modern
international luxury roomettes and draught Red Barrel and swimming pools
full of fat German businessmen pretending they're acrobats forming pyramids
and frightening the children and barging into queues and if you're not at
your table spot on seven you miss the bowl of Campbell's Cream of Mushroom
soup, the first item on the menu of International Cuisine, and every
Thursday night the hotel has a bloody cabaret in the bar, featuring a tiny
emaciated dago with nine-inch hips and some bloated fat tart with her hair
brylcreemed down and a big arse presenting Flamenco for Foreigners. And
then some adenoidal typists from Birmingham with flabby white legs and
diarrhoea trying to pick up hairy bandy-legged wop waiters called Manuel and
once a week there's an excursion to the local Roman Remains to buy cherryade
and melted ice cream and bleeding Watney's Red Barrel and one evening you
visit the so called typical restaurant with local colour and atmosphere and
you sit next to a party from Rhyl who keep singing "Torremolinos,
torremolinos" and complaining about the food - "It's so greasy isn't it?" -
and you get cornered by some drunken greengrocer from Luton with an
Instamatic camera and Dr. Scholl sandals and last Tuesday's Daily Express
and he drones on and on about how Mr. Smith should be running this country
and how many languages Enoch Powell can speak and then he throws up over the
Cuba Libres. And sending tinted postcards of places they don't realise they
haven't even visited to "All at number 22, weather wonderful, our room is
marked with an 'X'. Food very greasy but we've found a charming little local
place hidden away in the back streets where they serve Watney's Red Barrel
and cheese and onion crisps and the accordionist plays 'Maybe it's because
I'm a Londoner'." And spending four days on the tarmac at Luton airport on a
five-day package tour with nothing to eat but dried BEA-type sandwiches and
you can't even get a drink of Watney's Red Barrel because you're still in
England and the bloody bar closes every time you're thirsty and there's
nowhere to sleep and the kids are crying and vomiting and breaking the
plastic ash-trays and they keep telling you it'll only be another hour
although your plane is still in Iceland and has to take some Swedes to
Yugoslavia before it can load you up at 3 a.m. in the bloody morning and you
sit on the tarmac till six because of "unforeseen difficulties", i.e. the
permanent strike of Air Traffic Control in Paris - and nobody can go to the
lavatory until you take off at 8, and when you get to Malaga airport
everybody's swallowing "enterovioform" and queuing for the toilets and
queuing for the armed customs officers, and queuing for the bloody bus that
isn't there to take you to the hotel that hasn't yet been finished. And when
you finally get to the half-built Algerian ruin called the Hotel del Sol by
paying half your holiday money to a licensed bandit in a taxi you find
there's no water in the pool, there's no water in the taps, there's no water
in the bog and there's only a bleeding lizard in the bidet. And half the
rooms are double booked and you can't sleep anyway because of the permanent
twenty-four-hour drilling of the foundations of the hotel next door - and
you're plagues by appalling apprentice chemists from Ealing pretending to be
hippies, and middle-class stockbrokers' wives busily buying identical
holiday villas in suburban development plots just like Esher, in case the
Labour government gets in again, and fat American matrons with
sloppy-buttocks and Hawaiian-patterned ski pants looking for any mulatto
male who can keep it up long enough when they finally let it all flop out.
And the Spanish Tourist Board promises you that the raging cholera epidemic
is merely a case of mild Spanish tummy, like the previous outbreak of
Spanish tummy in 1260 which killed half London and decimated Europe - and
meanwhile the bloody Guardia are busy arresting sixteen-year-olds for
kissing in the streets and shooting anyone under nineteen who doesn't like
Franco. And then on the last day in the airport lounge everyone's comparing
sunburns, drinking Nasty Spumante, buying cartons of duty free "cigarillos"
and using up their last pesetas on horrid dolls in Spanish National costume
and awful straw donkeys and bullfight posters with your name on "Ordoney, El
Cordobes and Brian Pules of Norwich" and 3-D pictures of the Pope and
Kennedy and Franco, and everybody's talking about coming again next year and
you swear you never will although there you are tumbling bleary-eyed out of
a tourist-tight antique Iberian airplane
Joesph : Alright! Alright! You can have the sword! Now we just have to
figure out how to get you back.
Austin: [Looks in astonishment at Ishmail] Thou shalt hold thy tongue,
for I cannot bear to listen to you longer than is necessary. [Looks
heavenward] What has happened the good old days. I first remember,
quite a while ago now, when I was an initiate and took upon myself the
vows of silence and [pauses, looking at Chastity meaningfully] and
chastity. And now we have a verger, that bores us with his complaints.
Enough. Let us seek shelter from this downpour.
Joseph : Ishmail, you go and get it.
Ishmail : Yes [pause] I will.
[Exit ISHMAIL, into the church. It is raining quite heavily now,
and getting a bit thundery.]
Joseph : Now, what about getting you back?
Clint: [A look of realization slowly slaps him in the face, then a couple
minutes later...] I get it. So you are the real Jerome but you have
another Jerome's personality in you?
[Enter ALL, into the church. JOSEPH is here, with a bejewelled
long sword, it looks fantastic.]
Joseph : [Speaking loudly over the thunder] Here is the Sword of
Jeromitus Cristus, may it bring you luck. Some say that it can speak, but
none have heard it, perhaps Jeromitus himself can confirm or deny that?
Alice : A-choo! Talking swords? This gets worse! How are we going to send
Clint: Maybe if Jerome holds the sword up to the storm something will
Joseph : [Holding the sword out between Jerome and Harvey] Maybe they
should! I'm not holding that out in a storm!
CDD - Missing post?
conductivity experiments, as well as the plain fact that they didn't have
the sword when they arrived, I would suggest that they didn't use the
sword to get here in the first place.
Chastity : I've got it. The Harvey and Jerome have been possessed by
another Harvey and Jerome. There was a mention of twins, therefore
Alice is having twins. So, if Alice, Harvey and Jerome each hold the
sword in the storm, some peculiar magic trick will occur, sending the
spirits of Harvey and Jerome back with the twins in Alice to wherever
they want to go. [Breathes heavily] Unfortunately Alice will make the
supreme sacrifice, but don't worry, I'll look after Clint for you.
[Heaves her breasts forward and stands with one arm around Clint's
Harvey: [Looks at Jerome] I remember, doctor that before we were sent
here, the carriage seemed to be hit by a bolt of lightning! Remember,
the blue sparks! Well, what if we steal, er, borrow the Hamstrain and
try to re-trace our original journey. With a bit of luck, the engine
might be once again struck with lightning, allowing us to get back from
the future! I wonder if we`ll have to travel at the same speed, also?
[Rubs his chin] What speed do you think we were traveling doctor? I
could almost feel my cheeks rap around my head from the force of it!
Jerome: If Dr Jerome K. Trindle B.Sc. Ph.D.'s calculations are correct, we would need to
accellerate to a velocity of 88 Miles per hour. But that is beside the point. [Holds up his
sword] Weapon of power! Impart with us your knowledge! The secret of time travel is desired!
Chastity : [Sighs] Am I really expected to stand here and watch this
crazed gardener and his loony side-kick with rubber cheeks? He's talking
to a sword now! [Turns to Clint] Come on Clint. Let's go home. The
children [points to Harvey and Jerome] look tired.
Austin: [Looks upon Chastity with disdain] Such acts of promiscuity in a
sacred place such as this cannot be condoned. Father Joseph, I beg of
you, see to it that such filth is cast out. She wishes for the death of
Alice's child or children, as the case may be. [Turns to face away from
Chastity] Woman, I know you not.
Joseph : I have to agree with Father Sleaze, it is bad enough having her
[points at Alice] in here, but to see such blatant sexual behaviour, why,
[flustered] it's almost as lurid as the time that six year old child
kissed his mother on the cheek.
[JEROME still holds the sword aloft, but it doesn't appear to
have any effect, so he brings it back down. The storm becomes worse.]
Alice : [Looking around at all the burn damage] What exactly happened to
Joseph : Why, we were struck by lightening!
Harvey: Gah! Damn and blast and boom for good measure! Lightening never
strikes in the same place twice! [Looks at the doctor] Perhaps if we
were both to stand on top of a mountain, wearing bronze underpants,
cursing the Gods for all their worth, maybe, just maybe, we might strike
Jerome: Hmmm... So the lightening appears to be some sort of conduit for plane shifting powers.
If Jerome remembers correctly, we need to find some form of focus for that power. [Looks at the
Father] Where precisely on these premises did the lightening strike?
Joseph : [Pointing upwards] It hit the steeple, which is made of metal,
and the church itself filled with sparks and arcs and squarks -
Alice : What's a squark?
Joseph : Well, I just made it up, but it sounded good.
Alice : No, it didn't.
Joseph : Whatever, anyway, the fact remains that we were hit.
Alice : Doesn't it seem to be tempting fate, somewhat, to build a church
spire out of metal?
Joseph : It was sign of my faith in Phili, that even in the worst
lightening storm our church would be spared.
Alice : And now that the church has been hit?
Joseph : Well, it's obviously a sign of my faith in Phili, that the church
could be hit and I survive!
Alice : Hmm, the lightening outside can hardly last much longer, so the
question is -
[ALICE is interrupted by a thunderous crack from the spire, and
the party is suddenly surrounded by sparks and arcs and squarks, which,
after a minute or so, subside.]
Alice : [Looking at Jerome and Harvey] Well, that clearly didn't work!
[The storm abruptly stops] What are we going to do now?
Alice : What was that? Come on Jerome! You're supposed to be the clever
one, do something!
Harvey: [Shouts to Jerome] Quickly doctor! Stick the sword in the wheel!
Speed now, our lives are nearly at an end!
Clint: [Scratches himself] Huh? What wheel? Oh that wheel. [Gets knocked to
the floor] What the...
[JEROME throws the sword into the wheel, it shoots up to the roof
and jams there, causing the wheel to lock. There is an incredible screech
of metal as the wheels lock against the track, throwing everyone to the
front of the train, just as it arrives at the switch. It lurches as it
switches rails, but doesn't become derailed, gradually it slows to a
stop. Everyone is packed into the nose of the train, piled on top of one
Alice : [Taking her foot out of Austin's mouth] Wow Jerry! That's a
pretty neat trick!
[Enter PEARSE PEARCE TOO, wearing a pink hanky around his face.]
Pearse Too : Okay, okay, who's the meanie who fiwed awwows at me? I'm
weally, weally ann-oh! [Breaks off as he sees the party pile] Whewe is
Daddy? I'm weally cwoss!
Clint: Hey what is this!?! [To Pearse Too] Are you trying to move in
on my turf? [Stands and gets in front of Alice] Don't worry, my little
meatball, I will protect you from this rival gang member.
Alice : That's all well and good, but who's going to protect me from your
B.O. Clint? Poo!
Jerome: Dr Jerome K. Trindle B.Sc Ph.D. was not responsible for firing the sharp projectiles at
you. However, the one of you who dodged firey magical darts has every reason to lay blame on
Pearse Too : [Getting concerned] Um, Daddy is supposed to be hewe! He
pwomised me! [Jumps out the door.]
[Exit PEARSE PEARSE TOO.]
Alice : Wow, I guess you scared him away Clint, I mustn't be the only one
with a low pong threshold. Oh, and the next time you call me meatball,
you'll end up eating yours. Now, is everyone okay?
Chastity : [Surprised] In the name of Philli, where did you get such a
large sword from?
Jerome: [Looking at the sword] Chastity, you would not believe it if Jerome told you.
Alice : [Stands on her tiptoes to see the sword] Wow, cool sword? Can I
have it, Jer? Huh? Huh? Can I huh? Ah, go on, go on go on go on go on go
on go on go on go on go on go on go on go on go on. How come we
never saw it before now?
Jerome: Methinks the properties of this weapon must be fully scientifically investigated before it
is handed to anyone. At this stage, it is the property of Harvey and Jerome.
Alice : [Sulkily] Fine. Why does Harvey own it? And like the good Sister
Chas said, where did it come from?
Jerome: [Sigh] Harvey and Jerome had what could be described as an out of body experience, though
in fact it was more complicated than that. We were transported to a parallel universe, where we
were given this sword to aid us. You were all there, but different. Austin was a priest, Chastity
a brazen vixen, and Clint and Alice were married. Harvey's inclusion in this experience is why he has part share in the sword.
Chastity : [Looks horrified] Doctor Trindle! Honestly, I'd expect more
from a man in your position. Utter nonsense, travelling to other
dimensions and the like. Why, you never even disappeared from our sight.
And to suggest that [nods towards Austin] HE becomes a priest, well that
is an insult to the curch and an insult to me. [Starts to wag her finger
in Jerome's direction]. You should know that Philli is with us always,
and if you tell lies, he will...[stops]...brazen vixen? Humph How dare
you Doctor! Honestly, if my George, rest his soul, [makes the sign of
Philli] was still alive, he would have given you a piece of his mind, I
can tell you.
Jerome: [To Chastity] If he married you, madam, it surprizes me that he had any to spare. Jerome
spoke not of what you are in this universe, Chastity, and also does not make the request that you
believe him. You are entitled to devise your own explanation for how a magical sword suddenly a
ppeared in Dr Jerome K. Trindle B.Sc. Ph.D.'s hand.
Harvey: Indeed, sister. I`ve not lied to you before, nor have I any reason to start now. What
the good doctor says is the truth! I understand your sceptisism, I hardly believe it myself,
and I was there! Gah! Even young Alice was expecting a baby! A baby! Now, lets catch that
Pearse character and find out just what in hell is going on!
Alice : Expecting a baby? Expecting a baby to do what? I wish I was there,
this hocus-pocus voodoo out of body experience is far out! I had something
like that before, Mystic Meg said in my horoscope that ``W'' is so lucky
for me. [Frowns for a second] Hm, of course, I've never met anyone called
W, so I suppose that doesn't count. [Suspiciously] You haven't been at the
Mescyote again, have you?
[The DRIVER wakes up.]
Driver : That - that was incredible! You saved us all! Praise be to our
saviour, our hero, blessed be his name, all hail - oh, what's his name again?
Alice : Mr. Spanglehangledangledoor.
Driver : All hail the great Master Spanglehangledangledoor!
[Looking out the door of the engine, PEARSE PEARSE TOO can be
seen getting onto a horse, and that he has two other horses with him. He
doesn't ride off, but waits there, looking frantic.]
Harvey: [Looking out the door] Snap to it, men! There`s the little blighter
who would have had us dead. To arms, troop! [Harvey teeters on the edge of the
floor, half in, half out of the door] Once more into the brink dear friends!
[Climbs to the ground and starts walking towards Pearse Pearse Two, sword drawn]
Alice : [Drawing her short sword and leaping out] Lets get him!
Pearse Too : Daddy! Daddy! Where are you?
[Several people are getting out of the carriages, obviously
wondering what is going on. They wander around going "Rhubarb, rhubarb,
rhubarb!" DADDY PEARCE and PEARSE PEARCE leap out of a carriage, pushing
their way passed people.]
Pearse : Uh huh huh, thank you very much, thank you very much.
Daddy : God dammit, git out of muh way! That dang dirty low down double
crossin' sonofabitch is goin' pay for this!
Pearse Too : Daddy! Quick, befowe the bad guys get us!
[DADDY and PEARSE make for the horses, clearly aware of HARVEY
Austin: [Standing there with his mouth open in amazement, peers about at
carefully at the others, muttering] What in the name of Phili. What in
the name of Phili. What in the name of Phili. What in the name of
Phili. [Falls to his knees and begins praying fervently] Phili, what
have you done to me? No, no, no, no, no, no. This cannot be. [A
single tear trickles down his left cheek.]
Chastity : [Looks down at Austin and strokes his head] There, there,
calm down. We're not in any danger now. You're safe here. Now get out
there and help the others. [Claps her hands] Chop, chop!
[DADDY and PEARSE get onto the horses, and turn as if to leave]
Daddy : [To Harvey] Think yourself lucky, boy, we've got bigger fish to fry.
Pearse Too : But Daddy, how can you think of fwying fish at a time like
this, I thought we were going to chase Gweat Westewn? [Bonk, Daddy hits
him over the head.]
[The PEARCES ride off into the sunset.]
Alice : *Sigh* Who is that masked man?
Darling : What masked man?
Alice : You know, in the comics, with his faithful sidekick, Pronto.
Darling : That's the Prone Stranger, I think. Hmm.
Harvey: Gah! [Shouts after the Pearses] Cowards! Yellow scum! [Turns to
the others] Blast their hides into tomorrow, the yellow livered ponces!
[Pauses for a moment] However, they have the way of it. I would also like
a word with Western! He set this whole thing up, the cur! [Gets more and
more worked up] Why I`m going to rip out his heart and feed it to him! Why,
why, why I outta bust him in the chops!
Jerome: [Scratching his chin] While slowly roasting Great Western on a spit over an open fire may
appear appealing, Jerome must remind everyone that we are on a mission of grave importance. Great
Western should probably take second place to our original mission.
Alice : [Wiping some foam off Harvey's mouth] Jerry's right, Uncle. Great
Western is a crook, but we are supposed to be trying to find Marasmus
Bane, and we're probably miles from Hillsfar.
Darling : I thought we were going to Hallbridges?
Alice : Yes, what of it?
Darling : But you said we're miles from Hillsfar.
Alice : And aren't we?
Darling : Well, yes, I suppose.
Driver : Master Spanglehangledangledoor, Master Spanglehangledangledoor,
tell us of your mission that we might aid you.
Harvey: [Turns to Jerome] Yes indeed, Mr Spang...Mr HangleSpangle...Mr HangleSpangleCandlewhore..
Mr Sp...Gah! Well, go on!
Chastity : Really, Colonel, you must try to contain your temper. You'll
be setting such a bad example for the young ones amongst us. [To Alice]
Alice, when your uncle appears to be losing his temper, I must insist
you wear these. [Hands Alice a pair of ear-mufflers with 'Property of
the Convent of Well-To-Do Nuns' clearly written all over them in black
marker pen] They were mine, and I shall miss them dearly, but Phili says
that 'Those who are charitable will receive more charity than the person
who was not very charitable at all, once they are both dead.'
Austin: Veritable point, Chastity, however, I would never have believed
that you were versed in the works of the scribe of Phili, Halu
Halimacbar. Stranger things have ne'er graced this earth. [Searches
his pockets for a copy of his Bible, yet succeeds in only searching for
the pockets.] Phili, guide me so that my hands may find the tool that
aids me to bring your cause to the common people. [Starts searching
again, finds a pocket and with a look of sheer horror fading into that
of disgust as he realises what it is, whips out a large golden dildo]
Lord above, what have I become?
Chastity : My what a strange statue. [Feels to see if it is real gold]
Why it looks just like a...[Stares in disbelief at Austin, and glances
over at her now unclean hand] In all my entire life, I've never been so
disgusted! Colonel! Doctor! Restrain that man. [Points at Austin, looks
once more at the gold-plated artificial penis, and promptly faints]
Jerome: [Examining the statue] Hmmm... Dr Jerome K. Trindle B.Sc. Ph.D. once knew a research
assistant who made an extensive investigation into just this form of art. If Jerome remembers
correctly... [Grabs the "statue", and twists the base. The "statue" begins to vibrate] Ha! It
is designed to be soothing to the female, Jerome believes.
Alice : [Loudly] What? [Takes off the ear muffs and throws them on the
ground] Pf! Useless, I can't hear anything with them on. Anyway, soothing
to females? Well, in that case, [grabs the statue] Woah! [As it nearly
escapes from her] Come on, Chas, snap out of it. [Rubs the statue against
Chastity's nose as one would with smelling salts] Maybe she breathes
through her mouth?
Driver : Um, anyway, I believe you were just about to tell me how we
could be of some assistance, Mr. Spanglehangledangledoor.
[The statue strikes CHASTITY's teeth with an irritating rattle.]
Alice : Nope, it doesn't seem to be doing any good.
Darling : If you're all quite finished with this disgusting carry on, perhaps
this man might show us how some way of getting to Marasmus Bane.
Waiter : Marasmus Bane?
Alice : No, Alice Basset-Short.
Waiter : No, I meant, are you looking for Marasmus Bane?
Alice : Yes - she's in Hallbridges.
Waiter : Apparantly not, she was one of those forced to leave when the
Communists took over, she took refuge in the Pyramid of Giza, which, by
an amazing stroke of good fortune is a mere two miles south of here.
Chastity : [Comes round and slowly gets to her feet] My, what a horrible
dream I just had. [Spies the gold-plated vibrator] Oh, Phili. Alice,
put that down at once. I do not wish to see you near Sleaze's sex toys
again. That [points to the statue] has probably been up his and his many
evil boyfriends' bottoms. [To Austin] I knew you were trouble and past
salvation. How dare you? You and your evil chums will be cast to hell
and damnation and [reads from her pocket bible] 'Thou whoest doth stick
thine love baton up orafaces that are of thine sexual similarity will be
cast to hell, and all innocence with bulls with seven foot penis' shall
Alice : [Looks at the statue in her hand] Eauh! I sure hope you washed it
after, Aussie. [Throws it onto the ground] So, are we heading to this
geezer or not?
Driver : There is a farm just over the hill there, I'm sure you could
rent some horses off them.
Alice : Okay, shall we head off? Come on, Clint. [Looks back into the
train] Hmm, Clint is out cold. Should we drag him along with us? Uncle,
yourself and Jerry would manage him, I'm sure. [Drums her fingers on Clint's head]
[A tumbleweed blows across the scene]
Austin: [Bends down to catch the tumbleweed and casually picks it off
the floor as it bounces past, causing a change in the whistling noise of
the wind blowing through it. Throws it at Alice, and mutters] Catch,
child. Now retrieve, that which is mine, but is not, so that I may
restore it to it's rightful owner, for Phili sayeth unto us 'Let those
that take it upon themselves to restore things to their rightful owners
prosper, not of a fiscal means, but be duly rewarded in growth of spirit
and heart'. So waste not this opportunity to restore yourself in the
eyes of Phili for he knows that you have descecrated havens and
santuaries dedicated to his cause.
Alice : [Looking behind and around her] What? Are you talking to me,
Aussie? What desecration have I performed?
Harvey: [Nods his head] Yes indeed, Private Sleaze, what are you rabbiting
on about? Honestly, you grow more ecentric with each passing hour! A
visit to a military hospital might be in order, young man! Doctor Hedshrinker
would be just the physician for you. Nothing like a leech bath for purifying
the blood! Hmm, I must suggest that to Nunpar upon our return. [Scribbles a
note in his notebook] But as for the now, let's find the troop some means of
transport to Giza. [To the driver] A stables near by, you say?
Jerome: Dr Jerome K. Trindle B.Sc. Ph.D. politely requests that Austin no longer opens his mouth
without intent to say something with meaning and of interest to anyone else present. [To Alice]
Just ignore him. [To the waiter] Is there by any chance, another means of rapid transportation
in the nearby vicinity? Perhaps a horse and carriage? Internal combustion engine powered vehicle?
Waiter : Yes, there is a rocket ship on the train.
Alice : Crikey! A real rocket ship?
Waiter : No, I was being sarcastic. The stables is about a mile over that
hill, I'm sure you could walk it in twenty minutes or so, in the meantime
we'll have to set about catching some wild hamsters to get the train back
Alice : [Plaintively, to the others] Oh no! Does that mean we're going to
Jerome: [Scratching his chin] There's no reason for us all to walk. Some could stay here and
help catch hamsters, while two or three of us go and get horses. [Looking around the party] I opt
to walk, personally.
Austin: [Looks with the patience of Father Time, at Jerome] Good man,
the word of Phili is always a blessing to hear, and is also interesting
and informative when taken under the correct context. I would politely
request that you keep your orders to yourself, or allow them to those
that obviously have command [nods to Harvey. Turns to the others] I
too am not afraid to walk and to explore this world of Phili's that is
not mine own, but is. Onwards, Philistine soldiers. [Starts humming a
little ditty to himself].
Alice : Look, come on, we're wasting time, we can come back for Clint later.
[Exit ALICE, HARVEY, JEROME, CHASTITY and AUSTIN]
[Act 8, Scene 4. Smiler McCabes Farm. ALICE, HARVEY, JEROME, CHASTITY,
AUSTIN and SMILER MCCABE are here. SMILER is waving a double barrelled
crossbow at the party and wearing a torn floral dress.]
Alice : Hello, oh, that's a nice dress.
Smiler : Be off, ye bunch of no good [mumbles something incoherent]
Jerome: Yer don' be callin' us no bunch of no good [mumbles something incoherent]. Wes all jus'
wanna speaks to you 'bout some horses, so don' you git all frisky.
Smiler : [Lowers the crossbow slightly] Well, I'll be. Don't tell me ye'r
sure ye were [mumbles something incoherent], and as sure as shit sticks
to a cows ass she's a [mumbles something incoherent].
Jerome: [Warming to the subject] Har, har har! That thar be a good un! Now, we's be needin'
some horses, to git' ourselves into town like. We got some pressin' business with a city folk who
jerked our chain good an' proper. We wer' on 'im like stink on shit, but we wuz' in a train
ackseedent, and got ourselves all busted up. But, with a bit o' help from you, pardner, we kin be
on our way to sum serious type revenge.
Harvey: [Tuts loudly] Good God man, what type of accent is that? It's sounds like a mishmash of
Chinese, Pakistanie and South African! The man will never be fooled, doctor! [Sniffs the air]
And hurry up, about it, there's a good chap. The odour of horse shit is not a pleasant one.
Smiler : [Walking towards Harvey, crossbow pointing at him] Well well,
what we've got here, a smart boy, is it? No one calls Footrot McCabe's
son doctor and gets away with it!
Alice : Good lord Uncle, Jerome was doing fine!
Smiler : Well Phili on a horse, sure I know for a fact now that ye're
nothing but a pair of [mumbles something incoherent]! Go on, be off with
ye, [waves the crossbow threateningly at Harvey] and take ye're auld mot
Jerome: [Pulls Smiler aside] Lookey, I know what yer must be thinkin' 'bout the old fella, an' I
tells ya, I feels the same. But, his niece there, well, I reckon' thar's hope fer her, iffin yer
know what I'm meanin'. [Winks suggestively] So, iffin I could getcha ta ignore the coot fer the
sake of me future pleasure, I'd be much abliged. 'Bout them horses? [Look hopeful] I's got me a
varmit to ketch.
Smiler : Huhuhuhuhu, huhuhuhuhu, know what you mean, say no more, say no
more, hips are a little small for child bearin' and hands a bit lily for
the milkin', but a fine bit of shtuff altogether.
Alice : [Looks around her, clearly wondering what he's talking about.]
Smiler: Now, [counts out the party] there are eight o' ye, but I've only
got six horses. And, there's the matter of how much ye're prepared to
spend on the animals.
Jerome: Kin we have a looksee at de horses 'fore yer start countin' yer money? [Mutters] Ol'
coot got some rectal problems, needs a special sorta horse.
Chastity :Doctor, what has become of you lowering yourself to this poor
man's level? Alice will not be used in such a manner as to win over this
ruffian from the hills. [To Smiler] Listen here! We need those horses as
a matter of life and death. We are on a mission from Phili, and
therefore offer you the sum of nothing but Phili's blessing for a good
harvest and fertile cattle. Now run along. [To Alice] Alice, stand
behind me, away from the farmer and Jerome. Do you know how to ride a
horse like a lady?
Smiler : [To Jerome] C'mere now, boy, like I told that Doctor fella,
there ain't nuthin' wrong with my ass! [Turns to Chastity] Look Sister, I
know ye're a woman of God and all that, and I'm as good a church-goin',
God-fearin', tithe-payin' Phillite as the next man, but sure I can't be
givin' up me horses can I? Sure how's a man to live?
Alice : [Sigh] Of course I do Sister, [grabs the hem of her skirt]
just hitch it up and you get your leg over, isn't that right Jerome?
Jerome: [Tragically to Smiler] Youse got no idee what I put up with fer this woman. But, I tells
ya, she's a special one, alright!
Chastity : [Covers her own ears] Oh no, Alice, no! You will do no such
thing. You will ride side-saddle, like a proper lady. Only men get
their [coughs] rides with their...[coughs]. Only men ride with a leg either
side of the saddle.
Chastity : [Quietly to the others] How much money do we have? I'm
afraid my church forbids me to carry any to win my badge of poverty. Do
you think he'll take, [looks skyward and slightly to the left] Phili
forgive me, [looks back to the others] that gold statue?
[SMILER opens the stable door, and there are actually eight
horses there, in surprisingly good condition.]
Alice : Side saddle? Hmm, do you know where the saying ``Hooray for our
side came from?'' It was in Coventry, when Lady Godiva rode naked side
saddle through the city. I think the statue is probably still on the
ground where I left it.
[The camera pans quickly back to the scene of the train where a
small dog can be seen picking it up in his mouth. He runs to the edge of
a bridge where his owner meets him. Seeing what is in his mouth, she
screams in fright, causing the dog to bark and drop it. It rolls off the
bridge and falls onto a boat that is sailing to Mahoobahooba. Three years
later, the remains of the shipwreck are washed up on a beach of a
little known desert island where the natives sieze upon the statue as a
sign from the Gods, and immediately build a forty food golden replica.]
Alice : I'm sure we could go back and get it. [Looking at her watch] Although
we've been here so long, it's probably been taken at this stage.
Chastity : [To Smiler] We'll take all of them. How much?
Smiler : Well now, do ye know what I always wanted? I wanted a fish.
Alice : What kind of fish?
Smiler : Not just any fish, you see, I'd like a fish that I can gut, take
the eggs out of and plant in the field over there, so I can grow me own
ould fish. I'll let ye discuss it.
[Exit SMILER, into the stables.]
Alice : Is the man mad?
Jerome: Well, considering his inability to calculate simple mathmatical equations, the most
accurate description could well be under-educated. But, it may be that we must find a pregnant
fish. [Looks for pregnant fish]
Harvey: Alice, dear girl, the man should be in a maximum security cell! Fish eggs, I ask you! Fish
eggs! [Scratches his chin for a moment] Wait! Surely there was some caviar onboard the train! Thems
are like fish eggs, are they not? We can give that nut a jar of caviar!
Alice : Cunning plan, Uncle, but it will mean someone walking all the way
back to the train - and maybe the eggs have to be fresh? Hmm, maybe we
could give him something else, and pretend it's a fish? Jerome, you
suggested that there might be a tiny chance that he isn't very well
educated - what do you reckon?
Harvey: Come, come, now. Surely a fish is a fish is a fish, Alice. No matter
how ill-educated a man was, he would recognise a fish. [Harvey looks into
the sky and spots a soaring eagle] Oh look, a carp!
Alice : Oh, don't talk carp, Uncle. He surely knows what that looks like,
now, if perhaps you claimed to have spotted an extremely rare Eagfish, we
might get somewhere.
Austin: [Flicks through his Bible, searching furiously for something
yet fails to find the passage he was after] Hmmm, perhaps, it was in
Greasup's Fables that I read about flying fish. In any case, my
presumption would be that it is a test of word play, yet I fail to
understand how a man of such lowly intelligence could manage such a
feat. Mysterious indeed are the ways of Phili. My guess would be that
the item we need to bring the man is - [turns to Jerome] you are a
gardener, what kind of fish is it that one can plant the eggs of?
Alice : He's a doctor, dammit, not a gardner.
Jerome: [To Austin] And you're a Lawyer, dammit, not a priest. But, let Jerome think... Well,
if we can find a big something [Pulls out his pocket knife] Jerome can turn it into several small
somethings, which we may be able to pass off as eggs. [Jerome starts looking around for large
Alice : Get your eyes off me!
Harvey: [Scans the trees quickly] Perhaps the trees contain some tory tops, which we could
pass off as spiny Zobfish eggs. Or even spiny Zobfish, fish eggs. Alternatively, we could
use one of Clints old socks, fill it with baked beans and tell that nutter it was actually
the world re-knowned Spiral patterend Skunkfish.
[Jerome triumpantly picks up a piece of styrofoam. Carving delicately, he "guts" it, and makes it
fish shaped. He then fills it with "eggs" and uses a small lighter to seal it up.]
Jerome: This should pass as a fish, Jerome believes. Let us now trade it for the horses.
Alice : [Regarding the Styrofish with a baleful eye] Please tell me that
you're not going to try and persuade him that's a fish!
Jerome: We had ta think long n' ard 'bout it, but we gunna give you our
styrfish. Them's pretty rare around these here parts, and ta' be frank
wi' ya, we wuz sorta plannin' plantin' it like you are. [Scratches his
head] But, we's goin' chasin' that varmit I tol' ya 'bout, so we don' need
it fer a little while. Maybe when we's finished we cood mozey back 'ere
an' pickup usselves one o' yer fishes from yer first stock?
Smiler : A fine fish, and no doubt about it - and ye'd be welcome to as
much fish as ye can eat. I'd say it'll take a week or so to grow 'em
though, so, give me a chance.
Jerome: 'Nuff gass baggin' fer now, I'll be thankin' ye, and we'd best be
on our way.
[Exit ALL, on horseback, with two spare horses.]
[Act 8, Scene 5, Thursday 6.00. The Hamstrain. There are many people
here, running around the place trying to catch wild hamsters, several
have been savaged by them, and are recuperating near the engine. Also
here are LENIN, CAPTAIN DARLING, THE WAITER and CLINT, who is still
Alice : [With a piece of straw in her mouth, and one leg on either side
of the saddle] Okay, let's pick up the Clint and mosey on outta here.
Darling : Thank the lord you brought a horse for me! What a gorgeous
animal! I think I'll call him Cuddles, or maybe Teddy. Well, I might
settle for Beaucaphalous The Rabid Hearse Filling Horse. Choices, choices!
Lenin : Whoa, there, comrade. I was dragged along on this trip in the
normal way the proletariat are dragged along by the rich on their journey
of self destruction, I do not think I should be left here with these
hamster chasing, bourgeois scum. [Looks at the horse] Looks more like a
Marx to me.
Jerome: [To the others] Jerome believes we should have the waiter accompany us.
Lenin : Snekov's shroud! You're going on a trip to a pyramid notorious
for it's deathtraps, and you need a waiter?? I've heard it all now.
Waiter : Sir, I must confess I am somewhat confused as to why you would
want me to come instead of one of the others. [Glances at DARLING who
looks as though he is about to cry.]
Harvey: Indeed doctor, why on earth do you want the waiter along? Why
why why? [Looks up at the sun] We'd best be moving on, troop! It'll
be dark soon, and the sand people usually come out at night! And as
for the sand witches!
Alice : Yes, Jerome, why, why, why?
Darling : [Sniff] It's just because he doesn't want me coming along, he's
always been jealous of me. I need a hug.
Lenin : By Trotsky's icepick, keep back from me! I want to come to be
away from you, if for no other reason.
Harvey: Not at all, Darling. Look about you, man! The passengers are in
a knot of confusion and chaos! They need a leader to stand firm and be strong! I myself
would be that man, but I must be away to Giza! As the next senior officer, I have
delegated the responsibility to you. You have been trained to deal with riot control,
have you not? [Lowers his voice] But if I were you, I'd find some coffee and sharpish, before
it gets ugly! [Watches as a horse takes a dump] Urg! I've always hated seeing that come
out of a Darling! [Laughs loud and long]
Jerome: Well, quite simply put, Jerome finds his attitude annoying [points at Lenin] And HIS
attitude [points at Darling] a little too like a queer bottom basher we ejected from this group not
a long period of time ago.
Darling : [Drawing his sword] You're beginning to hurt my feelings,
Doctor, and I don't like it. Withdraw your insinuation that I am some
kind of queer or I'll slice open your gut and cook your entrails!
[Nonchalantly stamps on a passing wild hamster]
Harvey: [Explodes with rage] God dammit, sir! You're a soldier...dammit! Petty
insults should roll off your feminine hide, like water off a eagfishes back!
Now stop sulking and go and organize the passengers! Or by Pattens piles, Colonel
Nunpar will hear of your misconduct!
Darling : [Pauses for a while, but puts his sword away] This is not
finished, not by a long chalk. I will do as you say Colonel, out of
respect for your rank. [Turns to the passengers] Okay everyone! Gather
'round, gather 'round!
Alice : What a strange man. Anyway, who will we bring?
Jerome: Dr Jerome K. Trindle. B.Sc. Ph.D. suggests that Darling is a little to closely associated
with Nunpar to be of any use. Lenin has his obvious drawbacks. But, the waiter has always been
polite and helpful. Jerome believes he is the most desireable travelling companion of the three.
Lenin : Polite and helpful? What class based nonsense! What are my
drawbacks? A mind of my own? A desire for the liberation of the working
classes? Pish posh! I think I would rather stay here than travel with
someone who needs a servant on an adventure.
Waiter : While I am most gratified to be invited to accompany you, I'm
afraid I must decline. My duty is here at the train. [Bends down and
scoops up some horse shit which he puts into a jar] Stick it in pot of
coffee and no one will ever know the difference.
Alice : Crikey! To think I was going to ask for a flask to take with us!
So, it looks like no one else is coming, what will we do with Clint?
Harvey: Why, we bring him with us of course! We can tie him to the horse,
and lead the creature by the reins. Or we can lead the horse by the
reins. [Looks at the surrounding trees] Or we could make a field
stretcher out of some saplings and a table cloth from the train, and
drag him along behind us. That would be the safest and most comfortable
thing to do, as the man is obviously ill. [Shakes his head] Tie him to
Clint: [Gets up] Woman, I can take a-care of myself. [Mounts the extra
horse pushing off anyone who is already on it] It looks like-a I get the extra horse.
[To Lenin] You have a-no mind of your own if you think manners are useless, [To
Austin] right Father
Alice : Why is Clint suddenly Italian? Why doesn't he see that there is a
spare horse? Why is that burgers come in packs of six and buns in packs
Clint: Hey, matchbox man, nobody straps Clint Scar to horses! [To Alice]
Why are you suddenly asking stupid questions? You've always known I'm
Italian and you've always been a very bright girl, even though I have always
been the brains of this outfit.
Alice : Mr. Scar, while it is indeed true that I am a very bright girl,
so bright in fact, I can even spell Czechoslovakia, I don't think that a
man who's most impressive talent is being able to fart in tune to "The
Girl who had a very large hat, and the things she used to do with that"
can be considered the brains of any outfit outside of a pair of dungarees
worn by Dan Quayle!
Austin: [Beckons to Darling, Lenin and the Waiter] Join us, all, upon
this great adventure, the likes of which I have never experienced
before, and worship the goodness that is inherent in Phili as he unfolds
unto us his mysterious plan. Have faith, for ye shall be needed, much
like I shall and certain enjoyment and light entertainment are surely
guaranteed along the way. Onwards, I urge, for Phili has granted us
these fine steeds upon which we may hold sway over evil and given us
hearts so big that all sins may be forgiven.
Jerome: Well, due to the waiter's polite refusal, Jerome feels we should keep a horse free. Just
in case something happens to one of ours.
Harvey: Yes doctor, that's a fine plan. [Looks around at members of the party, before turning
once again to Jerome] Have you noticed that both Private Sleaze and Scar are acting exactly
as they did in that other place?
Lenin : Sleaze, you're taking the piss, aren't you? I'd nearly come just
to see you acting the priest. However, I shall be content to remain here.
Darling : [Fists clenched] I too will stay, but let it be known that
Colonel Nunpar will receive a full report of what happened here, in
particular your [points at Jerome] behaviour.
[Exit THE PARTY.]
[Act 8, Scene 6. Thursday 7.30pm. Outside the Pyramid of Giza. ALICE,
HARVEY, CLINT, JEROME, AUSTIN and CHASTITY are here. Scattered around the
entrance to the pyramid are a number of bodies, one of which is horribly
disfigured, and was obviously the subject of a gruesome torture recently.]
Alice : Crikey! What happened here? I thought Marasmus Bane was supposed
to be a peaceful and holy woman.
Jerome: [Examining the body] Perhaps it was a Jehova's Witness?
Alice : Unlikely, you'll notice the torture took place outside the
[Enter DAVE GEEZER, from behind a large rock, making a number dodging
and weaving movements.]
Dave : Wotcher mates, bleedin' 'ell, you won't Adam and Eve what I just
copped. [Sees Alice] Oh, 'ello darling, nice Bristol Cities on you, ya?
Dave's me moniker, Dave Geezer. Geezer by name, Geezer by nature, know wot I
mean? Eh? Eh? [Does a kind of shimmy]
Alice : Hello.
Dave : [Waving to the body] Pure nutter here, right? Pure nutter. I'm out on
the knocker, you know? I need a monkey to get the trouble and strife off me
case, and I got fifty Irish jigs here I need shiftin', so I'm out doing me
thing - straight up, ya? I'm no tea leaf guv'nor, not me mate, even though I
need a bus load of beaks to shift them Irish jigs, like, you know. Anyway, I
see these six blokes outside the pyramid, giving grief to some other, ya? So
I'm thinking, right, this is Tom Tit, mate, pure Tom Tit, an' I wanted to
tell 'em to knock it on the 'ead, right? But one of 'em, a real lah-di-dah
scrote, right? He takes out a knife, and starts to cut up the poor bloke,
'ad him screaming like a bird they did, but 'e told 'em he knew sweet FA,
but mate, the poor bloke, right, he kicked the bucket, and the others, they
went into the pyramid, leavin' 'im there. Struth! And they did the
business on the other blokes here too, blimey!
Chastity : [Whispers to the others] He speaks in tongues. Let me deal
with him. [Gets off her horse and talks to Dave Geezer] Oy, nutter! Gis
a butchers in the pyramid. Know what I mean, guv'nor? [Adds as an
afterthought] Cor blimey mate.
Dave : You're havin' a laff, ain't you, cock? I mean, do me a favour, I
ain't no nutter, straight up! It's like wot I said, I come along, doing
bugger all like, fifty Irish jigs up me jumper, and I see this poor bloke
being done over, I was choked that I could do nuffink about it. I dodged
over to hide, and about an hour later, out comes the lah-di-dah type on
'is todd, face like bloody thunder, and rode off. Now, I know that these
Pyramids are the dog's bollocks in dosh, and there's got be some serious
gear in there for old Flash 'arry to have done such a job on the bloke. I
fancy a butchers in there too, but I ain't no tosspot mind, I won't go in
there on todd, but I don't 'alf fancy joining in with you mob!
Clint: [With a confused look to Dave] Okay, so you saw someone get knifed?
Right? [Looks at the party] Don, would you shake some sense... oh yeah...
Don's dead. Guido... no we left him at home. Chastity, why don't you use your
feminine charms to persuade this Dave fellow to talk so we can understand him.
It worked on Friar Bob that one time. Friar Bob that always was a pretty silly
name for a friar, you know. Just think if he became Bishop. Bishop Bob, really...
Chastity : [Busily scanning her "Survive in the East End on 5GPs a Day".
Talks to Dave] Listen up me old mate. 'Ow do we get in there. Up the
apples and pears is it? And where did the Irish jigs go? Not like them
to do a runner from a dark night. Always in there, they are, flapping
like the windmills in Amsterdam. So, get us in there, and there's a
cool pony in it for ya! You look a bit Jack Flint. I mean, what ya got
in your rockets?
Chastity : [Whispers to the others] Watch yourselves. He's from
Cock-en-ny, a dangerous place full of thieves and scoundrels. My first
husband, George, once went on a business trip there. He couldn't
understand a word they said. They're well known for a vile drink that
supposedly gives you courage. George said it tasted like weak beer.
Dave : Jack Flint? You don't know the 'alf of it, doll! The old lady's
just dropped her fourth anklebiter, an' I'm left to figure out how to do
the Jack and Jill! The Irish jig's are stashed, as I reckon this pyramid
is a right nice little earner. Now, I'm normally the kind of bloke who'd
laugh to see a pudding crawl, so I'll pretend like I didn't hear your
offer of a pony - we're talkin' at least a monkey or an equal share. My
sky rockets 'ave the key to getting the mazuma inside. Dave's got the
info, you've got the shooters. Let's deal.
Alice : [To the party] What does "Bristol Cities" mean?
Chastity : [To Alice] He's referring to your [nods head towards Alice's
breasts. To Dave] Now you're just being Fore and Aft. A monkey? We'll
go no higher than a ton. For all we know, the pyramid may be empty. And
if your Duchess of Fife can't keep on her Alan Whickers, that's your own
problem. We'll give you the Bees and Honey for the Dancing Flea. That
way, you'll make your Duke of Kent and can keep the Syrup of Figs. A
little one, you say? Bath Bun or Bricks and Mortar? [To the party] Phew!
Harvey: [Closes his eyes in delight] Ah, I had a beautiful pair of Bristols
when I was a young man! What a delight to fondle, squeeze, polish, clean
and rub. Most of the other lads couldn't keep their hands off them either!
At night in the barracks, I had to slap away many a gruby hand from my fine
pair! Best damned pair of army service revolvers I ever owned, by Philli!
Austin: [Frowns intently, nodding as if he understands the conversation.
Then decides to sit back in the saddle, whips out his bible and starts
Clint: He'd better not be talking about my wife's "Bristol Cities" or
he's gonna get a black and blue noggin real fast. [Rolls up his sleaves
and stares at his arm as if he hasn't seen it in years. He appears to be
Alice : "Bristol Cities" is Cockney rhyming slang for jumper? Hmm. Wife?
What are you talking about Clint?
Dave : Alright John? I ain't bollocking anyone, least of all your old
lady. There ain't no Dancing Flea to this gaff, cock, the door is open.
The key wot I got is a map, that came from Marasmus Bane 'erself, it did.
Now, if I'm cut in for a percentage of the action, I'll share it.
Straight up, no dosh up front, just a percentage. I've got five sprogs
and the trouble and strife to support, so what do you say?
Harvey: [Growing quite impatient] Look, sneaky man, be off with you! And
take your stench of jellied eels with you! By the saints, you'll be singing
Chim-Chimney next! Gah! [Looks at the rest of the party] He's a 50's cockney
conman, notorious for dancing in the streets with chimney brushes, picking a
pocket or two, wearing pearl encrusted black suits, supporting Mill-feckin'Wall
football club, cutting peoples throats in dimly lit pool halls in Bethnal Green,
selling Heroin to children as young as embryos, setting fire to yuppie flats
because he was born on some scummy thirty story council block in Shoreditch,
"but it's not my fault guv'nor, cause me dad beat me before he walked out
on us and our mum, which lead me on the path to Heroin, mugging, killing and
finally doin' tricks around Soho's red light district, two stretches in
Pentonville prison, me, and an asshole as wide as the Thames" a sister who either
sells matchbooks until she freezes to death, or forced into prostitution at the
who has been lame in one leg since birth, after his pregnant old dear was hit by a
dancing chimney sweep in a high-speed waltz on Portabello Road, and a granny who still
lives in an air-raid bunker, because 'that 'itler, you never know when he's gonna
send 'is doodlebugs again, does ya, love?'
Chastity : [To Dave] Listen up, me ol' China Plate, 'ave you had a
cloggin on your noggin or what? You said you 'ad four sprogs a bit ago,
and na' it's upto foive. We'll cut you in alright if you share the map.
We'll split seven ways. [Points to Harvey] Let 'im 'ave it!
Dave : Cor, luvaduck, bleedin' DM's been on the piss for the last two
days, playing bloody 'ell with me mind it is, dunno if it is Thursday or
last Tuesday week, never mind how many blimmin' anklebiters the old
trouble and strife has dropped. [Whips out a map of the pyramid and
gives it to Harvey] Alright John, all yours mate, now let's 'ave a peek
Alice : [Peering at the map] Look, there are two maps there, and look at
all those pictures, what do they mean?
Dave : [Does a dodge and a weave] I dunno love, some little 'uns may
'ave 'ad some crayons. Either that or 'erself left it 'ere.
Clint: [Looks at the map] They look like some kind of picture writing. Could they mean
north, south, east, and west? Yeah, see there is a dot of green carpet for south or down,
window blinds for north or up, a left hand for east, and some arms making a W type
shape for west.
Alice : What carpet? All I can see is a fruit pastille!
Austin: [Peers over Clint's shoulder] Hmmm. Interesting. The first
one seems to assert the dominance of green over that silly clay colour,
yet I understand the symbols not. The second would seem to be the
seventh, as the there are seven symbols. Needless to say, the third
confounds even me, yet it must provide an answer, and as all know, the
answer is twelve, for lack of anything better. [Turns to Dave] What in
Phili's name is the meaning behind all of this?
Dave : Search me, squire, I don't know nuffink! When I got on the scene
there was claret everywhere, and this poor Chavvy 'ere 'ad a box of
these maps. I took one, but when the other nutter came out, 'e took 'em
all! A right naughty boy.
Alice : What was the man doing with the box of maps?
Dave : He wasn't doing nuffink, Cock, he was brown bread! But wot I
'eard is that this 'ere Marasmus Bane is hidin' inside the Pyramid.
Harvey: [Looks closely at the map, before tutting loudly] Gah! I've left
my specs at home! Confound it! [Looks suspiciously at Dave] And where
did you hear about Marasmus Bane, er...cobber?
Dave : Leave it out, guv'nor! The whole manor 'eard she 'ad come here
when the Pyramid was found. Didn't 'alf surprise me, mate, lived 'ere
since I was knee high, I 'ave, never saw that pyramid until last week.
Alice : [Puzzled] So, what you're saying is that people who juggle
kittens speak French?
Dave : No.
Harvey: [Eyebrows raised] Are you seriously trying to tell me, um, Dave,
that this here Pyramid, [gestures with his hand] just...dropped out of
the sky? Or was it perhaps hidden under a pebble? Or maybe it was carried
by Eagfish, migrating from sunnier climes? Pah! Stuff and nonsense! [Looks
around the party, while holding the map] I've not got my spectacles with me,
so I can't see a thing written on this, but I trust dear Alice's orienteering
skills, it runs in the family. [Looks to the East] Hmmm, the sun will be setting
soon, perhaps we should find somewhere to camp for the night!
Alice : [Looking to the south] No, Uncle, I think you'll find it is here
that the sun sets.
Dave : 'swot I'm telling you exactly squire. It popped up out of the
ground, pushed its bugle out one evenin', and the next morning, bigger
than Big Ben 'imself.
Clint: What does the sun popping up like Big Ben have to do with
Dave : Crikey mate, you Mutt and Jeff or what? For the benefit of the
cloth eared amongst us, I shall repeat myself. The pyramid popped up, I
didn't say nuffink about no Currant Bun, John. [Does a quick shimmy]
Alice : Well? Are we going to stay here the night before going in?
Chastity : You're quite right, dear. We simply must get into the
pyramid before darkness sets in. Who knows what foul beasts roam these
terrible wastelands. [To Geezer] Shall we [coughs] Awighty then. Stop
rabbiting on and show us the way in. [Attempts a shimmy] We'll be here
to next Bubble and Squeak, and I'm gasping for some Rosie Lee. [Does
another shimmy, but trips on her dress and falls over] Tom Tit!
Jerome: [Snapping to attention after watching the sun] By triangulating the position of the sun
against the horizon, and confirming suspicions by observing the dissapating light, Dr Jerome K.
Trindle B.Sc. Ph.D. has reached the conclusion that it will be dark soon. Very soon. [Looking at
the maps] Aha! A new puzzle. [Scratches his chin and discretely farts a few times while trying to
work it out.]
Alice : [Sniff sniff] Something smells about this whole business, but I
suppose we better head in.
Clint: The floor tiles? [Searches himself] Why can't a man find a good hot meatball
grinder on him when he's hungry. I need to stock up when we get back to town.
Alice : Meatball grinder? Considering how testicularly challenged you
are Clint, I thought such terms would cause you to physically squirm.
And what on earth are you talking about tiles for? Honestly, since that
business on the train you've been in a daze.
Clint: You know, my sweet little pasta surprise, a meatball sandwich.
I love the ones you make for me. Especially when you cut a tomato
into little hearts for decoration on top. Mmmmm... splendid little 16
inch snack. [Smacks his lips and scratches himself a couple of times]
Alice : [Horrified] What? Jerome! Harvey! Make him stop!
Dave : [Nudging Clint] Alright, John? Bit trouble with the trouble and
strife, eh? I'd say she's a goer, eh? Eh? Eh? Know what I mean? Eh? Eh?
A bit whoo-whee, eh? Say no more! A bit of uhu-uhu-uhu, eh? Say no more!
[Does a quick shimmy]
Alice : Now, [standing behind Harvey] does this pattern make any sense,
or should we carry on down?
Clint: That she is, I think, Dave. She's also a squirmer. Know what I mean,
Dave? [Smiles and nudges Dave]
Dave : Say no more!
Jerome: Dr Jerome K. Trindle B.Sc. Ph.D. must insist that the callous and derogatory remarks being
made about Dearest Alice cease immediately!
Alice : [Looking around] What? Who's been talking about me? Look, why
don't we just carry on down the original shaft? We obviously don't know
anything about that pattern other than the fact that it is a pattern.
Now let's go. [Strides down the corridor, taking Jerome's arm with one
of hers, and Harvey's with the other. Realising only after she has been
squashed that the corridor isn't wide enough, she tries it with just
Jerome. Again, the corridor is too narrow.] Nyark!
[The party continue down the shaft in single file, until they come
to a blockage in the shaft, just as it straightens out. There are two
bodies here, slumped against the wall. The corridor is blocked by a
large flat stone, which has a few coloured panels on it. One is green,
one brown, one blue, one black and another purple.]
Dave : Cor blimey, they're two blokes who were with that other joker
outside, and now they're brown bread! Wonder if they've got any dosh?
Don't look like they got clobbered or nothin', do it?
Austin: [Blesses himself upon seeing the bodies] Hmmm, perhaps some
investigation is required. [Performs a cursory search upon the bodies,
saying as he looks] I think the first line on the second page of the
map alludes to these panels, for if Phili has not forsaken me, then I
would hazard an educated guess that the button to be pushed is the green
one. [Stands once again, and reaches over to push the green panel].
Harvey: Does anyone hear a strange hissing sound, as if some toxic gas
is being released into this shaft? [Gasps and clutches his throat] Ack!
Cough! Dear God!
Jerome: [Raising his eyes to the heavens] Oh, shit. Not this again.
[The somewhere behind the panel is a high pitched hissing noise,
not totally unlike that associated with toxic gas being released into a
Alice : Oh, well done, Aussie, really brilliant, I must say.
[The hissing stops abruptly and there is an audible click. The
panel slides to one side. A short passage leads into the subterranean
Alice : Oh, yes. Like I say, well done.
[Lying on the ground is another body, his face is screwed up
grotesquely with his mouth open to an unnatural width. Small pieces of
metal are protruding from INSIDE his throat. There is a large box here,
with a sign on it that says "Keys, please take only one". Needless to
mention, it is empty.]
Dave : Gordon Bennet, what 'appened to this bloke then?
Jerome: [Examining the corpse] It appears that he attempted to swallow a metal hedgehog. And
failed. [Jerome searches the corpse] It may be that a key is hidden on his person.
[The body has been stripped of anything valuable/useful]
Alice : I know this is probably obvious to everyone else, but why would
one wish to swallow a metal hedgehog?
Dave : I guess he didn't get the point, eh? Or rather 'e did, eh? Eh?
Alice : [Sigh] I certainly don't.
Harvey: [Still clutching his throat] Ack! Gasp! [Looks at the others and sniffs
deeply] Hmm, the stench of jellied eels always did have an odd effect. [Looks at
the corpse] Are you sure he tried to swallow a metal hedgehog? It looks like a
sea urchin to me.
Dave : Oi, John, leave it out, mate, I've had enough of your grief about
me jellied eels, yeah? Next thing we know you'll be doing the dirty on
good old fish and chips mate, and if you did, I'd have to say "Oi! No!".
Now come on mate, we're in this together right? You know, pack up your
troubles, [breaks into song] oh pack up your troubles in your old kit bag,
and smile, smile, smile. While you've a lucifer to light your fag,
smile, boys, that's the style.
Harvey: [Sighs deeply and slowly] What fresh hell is this?
Dave : No, no, no! That's not it mate! You'd 'ardly 'ave a line like
in such a chipper song, would you now, mate? No, it's [sings] what's the
use of worrying? It never was worthwhile, so - pack up your troubles in
your old kit bag, And smile, smile, [goes down on one knee and spreads
his arms a la musical style, hands shaking] smile!
Harvey: [Grumpily] Stupid wanker! [Gasps] Oh, excuse me, sister, excuse me dear Alice,
whatever must you think of me? [Farts suddenly] Except that I am well fed, of course!
[Goes bright red with embarrasment]
Alice : Harvey! Have you been possessed by Iok Sotot again? There's no
need for that kind of language!
Dave : Well out of order, John, well out of order.
Chastity : [Mouth opens with shock] Really Colonel, your behaviour today
has been most questionable. You must control your mouth and your stomach
in future. What kind of example are you setting for your neice? [Covers
her mouth and tries to wave away any bad smells] Now what do we do? Any
Alice : [Ears covered] Perhaps he ate the hedgehog to avoid the music?
Dave : [Standing up and dusting himself off] Well, me old chinas. Don't
seem to be no way out of 'ere, save for the way we came. What do we do now?
Clint: Neither of you know anything about fine music. Opera, now thatsa good
music. You got a nice full figured woman with big freakin' tits up on stage
with a bunch of pansy ass men trying toact macho by... [Cracks up laughing]
... dancing. Mainly they just sing though.
Alice : I see your reasons for loving opera are as transparent as that
time you claimed you enjoyed the wet t-shirt competition in Queens View
because of the fashion. Anyway, this is getting us nowhere. Jerry, you're
supposed to be the clever one, what are we supposed to do? The way into
the main part of the pyramid is blocked, and this is just a dead end.
Harvey: I'm aware the ladies may find this suggestion, um, altogether
unpleasant, but I think that metal thing should be removed from the mans
throat. At least that way we can see what it is. It may even give us a
better idea of what we're dealing with, here! [Harvey bends down and
attempts to remove the metal thing]
[HARVEY reaches into the man's mouth and tries to pull it out,
with no success.]
Alice : Crikey! Maybe he ingested a baby hedgehog and it grew, exploding
out through his throat? Yeuch!
Austin: [Looks from the body to Harvey] Why not simply cleave the man's
head off? The good lord has taken his soul to the pastures in the sky
where he may feed upon all the hedgehogs that he pleases. We may find a
use for it further on. My, how exciting this life is. Searching for
clues, solving riddles, and my, I just wonder what next. Fighting even.
Although after our experience back in the carriage, I must admit, I
remain quite shaken. This life, is not the simple one that Phili had
lead me previously to believe. I envy this Austin whose body this is.
He must have quite a brave outlook upon life, for him to volunteer in
such an effort as this.
Alice : Aussie? Have you suddenly become a schizoid madman who's starting
to ask himself what we've got in our pockets? If so, are you likely to
beat us all to death with a yak?
Harvey: [Looking closely at the metal thing] Do you think that metal doodah
would fit in the holes of the pattern of that blocked passage? It might be
some kind of key!
Alice : Crikey Uncle, it looks about the right size alright - [looks
around at the others] so, who's going to do the business?
Clint: Yeah, what is wrong, Fr. Sleaze? You are acting almost as weird as my
wife. A yak? Really!
Harvey: [Looks at the others before taking out his knife] I've seen far
worse on the field of battle. [Shrugs, and bends to cut out the metal
object] The ladies might take this opportunity to face a different way,
if they would.
Alice : Look, Clunt, what are you talking about? Who is your wife? You're
talking as though the poor demented fool is here, now, I know I'm not
her, and please don't tell me that Chastity is married to you.
Dave : [Nudging Clint] Oo-er, trouble and strife wiv' the trouble and
strife, eh? Say no more!
[HARVEY's knife plunges into the man's throat, and he deftly cuts
around it, making a nice star shape as he does so. The metal object pops
out and lands on the floor. It is similar in size to the pattern on the
Harvey: [Cleans his knife on the mans tunic, pauses, and cleans the blood from
the metal plate also. Gingerly, he picks it up] Right troop, let's find out
if this is indeed a key. [Turns and vomits once against the wall] Gah!
[Slowly the pool of vomit slides off the wall and forms a pool on
the ground. It then begins moving slowly towards an air vent further
along the wall, as though it had a mind of its own.]
Alice : Crikey! I told you that steak you had for lunch looked a bit rare!
Jerome: [Watching the vomit] It would appear that the air vent is drawing air from this room to
supply oxygen to other levels of this place. [Quickly drags the corpse in front of the vent to
block the vomit's path, but leaving enough space for the vent to still get air. Turns to Harvey] Attempt to
use the key, and please keep thy vomit to thyself.
Chastity : I wonder where that air vent goes. Perhaps someone can
squeeze through there and find out. It seems strange that air is being
sucked out of this room.
Alice : [Watching the vent as Jerome pulls the body in front of it] Well,
its certainly too small for even the most slim and trim of us [does a
little pose] to squeeze through, and I can't feel any suction from it.
[The body is almost completely covering the vent, save for a
small crack along the top. The vomit continues moving, and begins
climbing up over the body towards the crack.]
Dave : Gordon Bennet, 'is Pat and Mick is alive! Look, that bit o' diced
carrot is almost through!
Alice : I don't recall you eating any diced carrots, Uncle.
Jerome: [Looking a little suspicously at Harvey, then the vomit, then back at Harvey again]
Exactly what have you been eating, Colonel, to produce such gravity defying vomit?
Harvey: What? I'm allergic to carrots! How in Philli's name did they get
there! [He shifts the key in his hand] Right troop, back to those holes
in the wall and lets see what we shall see.
Alice : Crikey Uncle, I've seen people do some strange things with bodily
fluids before, but this beats even the antics of the great Zimbali,
Coprophiliac and Urine Sampler.
Dave : Cor Blimey, love, what did that bloke do?
Alice : Hmm, you know, I just can't remember!
[The party leave the chamber, with ALICE and JEROME edging away
from the vomit, which is now beginning to drop into the air vent. They
make their way back up the shaft to where it meets the other one, where
it is blocked. The holes in the wall clearly are in the same pattern as
the spikes in the hedgehog.]
Alice : [Looking at the hedgehog, then at the holes in the wall, and
finally back to the hedgehog again] Nope, it doesn't look like it will fit,
what will we do now?
Harvey: Gah! Damn and blast! Oh no, look Alice, I was holding it upside down.
[Laughs loud] By the saints, but this is a prickly situation! [Looks from
the holes to the hedgehog and back to the holes] Maybe you should all take
a few steps back. [Breaths deeply once, twice, and pushes the hedgehog against
[The hedgehog fits in perfectly with a click, and the barrier
moves down, into the ground. Ahead is a shaft leading upwards. The party
continue up coming to another blockage, which from the map clearly leads
to the Queens Chamber. The rest of the tunnel continues up towards the
Kings Chamber. Set into this blockage is the imprint of a mans face.
There are two bodies here, who apparantly bled to death by having all the
comes a deep, guttural growl.]
CDD - Part of above post missing
Alice : Yeuch, now there are two people who are clearly in need of a good
foundation. Uncle, is that your stomach again?
Harvey: [Looking in disgust at the blockage] That..is quite possibly the
most disgusting thing I've ever seen! Dear Alice, please avert your
eyes from such a grotesque sight! You'll be awake for weeks with nightmares!
[Looks around] By the Gods, what a creepy...[stops and listens] Oh dear. Oh
dear, oh dear, oh dear!
Alice : [Shivers] I wonder, the face in the wall, does it look like
Clint's head might fit in?
Austin: [Averts his eyes, but manages to avoid throwing up after
witnessing Harvey's peculiarly animated vomit] You see, you did not
listen. Phili guided me to say to 'cleave his head off' yet you carved
his face apart. Perhaps it was his visage that was required to open
this door. Shall we ever know?
Alice : [Giving Austin a sceptical look] I don't think so. Surely there
is a more convenient method of getting in and out than having to carry a
head around with you!
Harvey: Two heads are better than one, Alice. Remember that.
Alice : Now that might explain something! A few weeks back I was in Moe
Moe's Tavern before all this business started. Some guy was trying to
chat me up and asked for sex, when I slapped him and threw a drink over
him he paused a second and said, "well, if that's the case, how about a
little head?" I guess he had heard that too.
Clint: Someone made a pass at you! Who is it? I'll kill him! If he wants a
little head. I can cut one of his in half to make for a little head. I'll
give the motha-fucker a half a head! [Looks bewildered] What were you doing
at Moe's Tavern? And who is Moe?
Alice : [Does a double take at Clint] What? What are you talking about?
What has it got to do with you if someone did? Why, even Jerome asked me
to marry him earlier this afternoon! And as for what was I doing in Moe
Moe's? Getting completely drunk out of my skull, what else do you think
I'd be doing there?
Jerome: [To Alice] And I still want to! [To Clint] Jerome thinks perhaps you should examine
thyself, and remember thy place in this party. It is not, as thou wouldst have us believe, the
husband to Alice.
Alice : Quite right too! [Stands beside Jerome, taking his arm] Husband
indeed! Not in this lifetime, buddy!
Dave : [Watching the exchange, and quietly to himself] Looks like she's a
Harvey: [Glares at Dave] Watch yourself, van dyke! [Turns to the party] Dear
God, platoon! Could we please stay focused on the task in hand? Could we?
Do you think? [Looks up towards the Kings chamber and draws his sword, taking a
few steps forwards] There is only one way we can go, so hop to it, people! [Looks
back at the party] Chop chop!
Jerome: Once, and once only, will Jerome request of you to refrain from refering to dearest Alice
as "A Goer", or any other similarly insulting and demeaning name. Any further from you, sir, and
the Colonel and Jerome will be forced to bodily instruct you in the finer points of manners!
Dave : Gordon Bennet! Give a bloke a break mate, I didn't mean nuffink by
it. This bloke 'ere [motions to Clint] 'e said she was 'is trouble and
strife mate, and who am I to not Adam and Eve 'im, eh? Eh? I wasn't to
know 'es an 'oly friar now was I? Not kosher, just ain't kosher, leadin'
a bloke on like that.
Clint: Well at least someone understands me. Thanks Dave. [To Alice] What do
you mean? Did you have our marriage anulled? What happened? Just a half hour
ago you were still madly in love with me and now after I give up a major
portion of my life and [Stops abruptly and looks at Alice's stomach] Oh my
God where did little Clint go!?! [Starts looking very closely at Alice's
Harvey: [Throws his eyes heavenwards] By the beard of Auntie Maple! Would
you keep your voice down, you simpleton! Alice was not, is not, and will
not, ever...be the bearer of your deranged offspring! [Looks at Jerome]
Indeed doctor, it is as I surmised earlier. Somehow, both Private Sleaze
and Scar have returned with us from...[waggles his fingers slowly]...the
other side! So not only must we find this Bane, but find a way for them
to return, also. Gah! It's an uphill battle, every step! [Listens
carefully] Did anyone else hear that evil growling noise earlier? [Turns
and looks back up towards the Kings Chamber, and takes another step
Alice : [Looks at Clint with a horrified expression] Little Clint? Oh my
God! Just what kind of twisted, hellish world did you and Jerry go to? A
world where, [thinks hard] Clint forced himself on another version of me
and kept her captive? [Shudders] Just so as you know, Clint, there will
never be a Clint or a part of one in me, little or otherwise! [Storms off
[Further along the passage, just inside the Kings Chamber, are
eight levers sticking out of the wall. The are numbered from one to
eight, and each is about three inches long.]
Alice : [Looking at one of the levers and snorting] Little Clint indeed!
Jerome: [Looking around for anything else that's numbered in the room] Hmmm... Levers.
Alice : [Looking up at the ceiling] Well, I'd guess one of the levers
opens the ceiling. Look how low it is compared to the one in the map. Of
course, the others probably pour poisonous gas into the room.
Clint: What do you mean I forced myself upon you. You pretty much wanted it.
[Smiles a nasty grin] You even gave him a nickname. What was it? [Rolls his
eyes in thought] Oh yeah, you called it Captian Longprobe. Yeah, I think
that was it. Wait I think I now understand what happened. Ok, Jerry and
Harvey came to us from an alternate dimension and now I don't recognise
anything and everyone is acting strange so... [Puts a finger up in a sleuth
type manner] the other people from Jerome and Harvey's dimension must have
brought Alice and the others with them. [Puts his hands on his hips in a
confident manner, then takes one down to scratch his crotch] What do you
think? I think it is a rather brilliant theory.
Alice : [Shivers] Captain Longprobe? Crikey, what's the betting that the
other Alice wore glasses? And as for your brilliant theory, if it wasn't
so vague and full of holes that a Hamstrain could be driven through, I'd
nearly say its the same as the one Harvey suggested earlier.
Alice : I said, "I'd nearly say its the same as the one Harvey suggested
Clint: Wait... so you AREN'T my wife!?! Are you sure you haven't knocked
your head? You do seem a little more out of it than normal.
Alice : Keep talking about me being your wife, Clint, and the only one
who'll be knocked on the head is you! Maybe in some grotesque, twisted
world someone who bears a vague resemblance to me married you, but not
here, no way!
Clint: So we can't have sex?
Austin: Yes, I have an objection [raises his hand]. Halt, Sister, for
do you not understand that Phili has guided his soul to accompany us
upon this journey through time and dimensions. Were you to perform this
ritual exorcism then it is quite possible that you take a hand in
destroying Phili's work. [Pauses, reflecting] Perhaps also, it is his
guidance that asks you to perform this task. [Pauses again, longer this
time] And also perhaps it is part of his plan that we have this
discussion and the outcome is thereby decided. [Pauses once more] And
perhaps not. Either way I shall attempt to pull the lever, as Phili has
guided me previously and so I trust in him to guide me once more. Faith
is such a powerful tool, that I shall greater place my faith in him, by
placing his faith in myself and granting it upon others. [Reaches over
to pull the seventh lever].
Alice : [Catching Austin's hand, stopping him from pulling the lever] Can
I just register an objection, please? The old Austin, who, might I add
was a lot more fun, would not put all our lives in danger, again, on a
whim. I suggest you ask the rest of us if we agree with you pulling the
lever, and, failing that, at least give us the chance to hide out in the
corridor for fear that some horrible gas will pour out and kill us all.
[Getting more confident] And on the matter of the exorcism, I vote that
we wait a while until we see if this new Clint is somewhat less
objectionable than the original.
Chastity : There is only one way we can solve this little matter. I will
have to exorcise the spirit in Clint so that it returns to it's rightful
body. Then we will have the old Clint back. [Looks at Austin] I suppose
I could do the same with Austin, but I prefer the new version. [Takes
out a book entitled "Exorcism in five easy steps." and starts to read.
Looks up.] Any objections?
Clint: What was this other Clint like? Not as good looking I'm sure. It does
appear he is in a bit better physical condition than I, though. [Looks at a
flexed bicep, then flexes it more] Much better.
Alice : What was he like? Let me see... he had all the brainpower of a
moth, the body odour of an elephant who has been dead for two weeks and
frankly, his choice of clothing would make one of the Village People look
fashionable. [Reflects] Hmm, I suppose they were his best points, really.
Then again, he didn't think he was married to me, so that has to be
Clint: Fr. Austin, I can actually understand Alice for once. At least this
one is dumb enough for her own womanly good. She knows her place in the IQ
scores. [Smiles] I sort of like her. Is there any way we could take her back
Alice : Dumb enough? If the other poor Alice was dumb enough to marry you
then she must be second only to the original Clint in the intelligence
Dave : [Does a dodge and a weave] Alright John? Okay, love? Now, we're
all on the same side, ain't we? All this bother is paining me in the
Gary Glitter, so lay off, yeah? Okay, what lever should we pull?
Clint: Calm your Gary Glitter down, Dave. Why don't we just start pulling
random levers? What could that hurt? How about this one. [Puts a hand on the
second lever, but does not pull it] Hmm...?
Alice : Why? Why not start pulling them randomly? Pf! It - I - sigh. Tell
him Harvey. He's just too stupid for me to speak to.
Clint: I've never seen a fine lever such as this do anything but order
pasta. Mmmmmm.... [Pulls out a Submarine Sandwhich from somewhere and begins
Austin: [Frowns at Alice] Touch not my arm, lest it be with the hand of
Phili, for none but he shall touch the anointed. Thou hast filth upon
thy person, filth upon thy soul and filth upon thy conscience.
Contaminate not those that surround you, but cleanse yourself by
allowing he that granteth all to his followers to touch YOU [points an
accusing finger at Alice. Still maintaining his gaze upon Alice,
continues to Clint] Touch not the second lever, for if you do it shall
surely be your death. I recognise now the markings upon the map, which
indicated to me the 'seventh', however it only became clear that it is
the levers to which it referenced. It may be prudent, in any case, to
find an alternative method of pulling the levers were one to have a
lengthy part of rope. A simple matter then would it be to tie one end
to the lever and pull the rope from around a corner. Caution is advised
in this ill-begotten realm, for it seems that evil is about, casting
it's sinewy arms with far-reaching effect into the very bowels of hell.
What say you sister, for thou seemst to have the way of Phili cast about
you like an aura of beauty. [Mutters] Failing the latter,
Chastity : Pardon? What have chips and batter got to do with anything?
Or is my hearing aid playing up. [Fiddles with her hearing aid, which
suddenly sends out an annoyingly high pitched screech of feedback for a
few seconds] That's better. Now, Austin, what do we need the soap for
again? To clean the towels that smell, no doubt.
Jerome: [Conspiratally to Harvey] You know, Jeorme believes we would like to have the old Clint,
and keep the new Austin. [To everyone] Jeorme does wonder, however, what other parallel
dimensions we are able to escape into? [Looks longingly at Alice] Perhaps there are all sorts of
changes. [Snaps out of it] But, this at least proves we are supposed to be together, our souls
drawn to each other. [Turns and looks at Clint] Jerome feels it necessary to warn you that in our
reality, selecting the wrong solution to a puzzle invariably results in poisonous gas being
released into the room.
Clint: Dammit. Why doesn't anyone ever tell me these things. I could have
Alice : [Sulking, and glaring at Austin] Well, I think we should get the
old Austin back, I don't like this one at all, not one little bit. [Looks
at Clints suspiciously coloured submarine sandwich, and then looks Clint
up and down.] Hmm, just where did he have that sandwich?
Clint: [Smiles at Alice] At town before I caught up to the party. I woke up
and realised I had naught a crumb on me. So I bought some supplies. I have
some spagetti for you to fix for me later dearest. The discoloration was
probably from where I kept it. Want to know where? [Grins]
Chastity : So, who wants the old Clint back? Jerome and myself so far.
Alice and Austin against. I guess that the Colonel has the casting vote.
[To Harvey] Well, Colonel. Do you really want this soul that can't even
pronounce 'discolouration' properly? What's it going to be, Colonel?
Clint: I'm using the more modern version, you silly nun. The Fr. knows this
to be true. That's old common. Definately old common has outlived its
purposes. I suppose you call an apartment a flat too, even though it is a
room. I never did understand why they thought apartments were flat. They
don't call rooms in houses flat.
Austin: [Stares at Clint] Verily what has become of the Clint even I
knew. [Falls to his knees and begins praying] Phili, bequeath unto
those that settle upon the ground like dust, the patience and endurance
to outlast even those of poor standing so that we may frown upon them,
and let them know of what little worth they are.
Alice : [Looking wretchedly at the two] Chastity, even if everybody
voted that we get rid of them, is there anything we can do? I suppose we
could just ditch them - but I wouldn't want to do that to poor Aussie,
as for the sandwich eater, well, I suppose he does have his uses, so it
might be imprudent to get rid of him, despite what "they", whoever they
are, seem to be saying about flat houses. Jerome, "Father" [makes the
sign with her fingers] Austin seems to think that it is the seventh
lever, I presume he is wrong - tell him the correct one.
Clint: [To Austin] See, Father, she still has the hots for me. Even though
she's a totally different, and much less intelligent, woman. [To Alice] It
gives me great joy to see that you want me in the party with you, Alice my
darling. I'm sorry about my behavior earlier. You look just as beautiful as
my wife back in my time. I will make no further advances on you but you must
try to help me return to my own time. I miss my Alice so very much.
[Scratches himself] and I'm sure she misses me. [Burps] Will you help me,
Alice : [Waving her hand in front of her nose] Eauh! Onion breath!
Clint, I will do everything I can to get rid - to get you back.
Dave : Alright my son, away win, eh? Eh? She wants to get you back, nice
result, my son.
Alice : [Indignantly] Get you back to your own time!
Clint: [To Dave] She can't get enough of me. [To Alice] Thank you. You are
almost as kind as my Alice.
Alice : Hmm, she must be very kind indeed, then. So, [looks to Austin who
still has his hand on the seventh lever] are we to believe Father Sleaze?
Harvey: [Losing all semblance of patience] Dear god people! Perhaps I should
remind you of a certain little thing called...our mission? Remember that? Whether
Scar and Private Sleaze are to return from whence they came, is a problem for a later
date. But for now, let's try to focus on what we're doing, eh? Come on troop, let's
pull together in our hour of need, lets rally our spirits and fart at the moon. Let's
scream the name of honours deeds and snort the ecstatic rush of pure white speed!
[Harvey leans against a wall, the excitement getting too much for him]
Clint: Pure white speed? I thought you said we couldn't have sex with Alice.
Alice : I don't know what that means, but I don't like it. Say it again
and I'll lop your ball off.
Chastity : Alice! Hold your tongue. [Looks skyward] Oh Phili! Forgive
our young virtuous virgin. For she knows not what she says. She will
humbly lay down in utter servitude, to fill your every desire as written
in your Holy Bible. Amen. [To Alice] You're forgiven.
Austin: [Removes his hand from the lever] The Colonel expresses my
sentiments exactly. Phili frowns upon those that squander what it is
not theirs, and time apparently is not something that we have yet we
throw it away as if we could retrieve it at any time. [Holds a finger
to his forehead] Hmmm, I feel a eulogy (sp?) coming on.
Clint: [To Alice] What do you mean by lop my ball off?
Jerome: [To Clint] Due to a mis-calculation by Dr Jerome K. Tindle B.Sc Ph.D., for which he has
already been forgiven, our Clint lost one testicle in a freak mishap.
Clint: [Pulls out the waistband of his pants and looks down the front] Oh
dear Philli. What have you done to this poor poor man? He forgave you for
this! Simple miscalculations don't cost good men their testicles. He must be
a very kind man. [Puffs his chest out with pride. Looks at Harvey] What
mission could be more important than getting Fr. Austin and me home?
Harvey: [Still leaning against the wall] What could be more important? Anything
from clipping ones toenails to shopping for a wok, that's what! [Stands up
straight and sighs] Now, can...we...*please*...move on? [Looks again at the
levers] Hmm, I'm inclined to agree with Private Sleaze's choice. The seventh
lever is the one to pull.
Jerome: [Looks yearningly at his unclipped toenails, then sighs and addresses the matter at hand]
And what scientific backing do you have behind this decision? [Looks at Austin, then at Harvey]
Harvey: What scientific backing do you have to doubt this decision? If you have a
suggestion, trusted doctor, please speak now, for as you know, your opinion is always
of value. [Starts tapping his fingers against the seventh lever]
Jerome: Jerome does not have any negative scientific backing, and was merely inquiring what
prompted your decision.
Harvey: [Scratches his head] Well, it looks like there's an upside down seven
drawn on the map, in the Kings Chamber. That's about as scientific as it
got for me! Private Sleaze. What made you want to pick the seventh lever?
Alice : The map? [Looks at the sheets of paper] You mean these have
something to do with what lever we're supposed to pull?
Chastity : So seven it is. Colonel, would you please do the honours.
[To Austin] Why, your sharp intellect reminds me of my first husband,
George. He once completed the Queens View View crossword in under
fourteen minutes. He even sent in a letter to them telling them of his
achievement, but they didn't answer him so we stopped our subscription
for a whole week. It was a shame, really. I missed the knitting
patterns they had on Wednesday's. Of course, George went straight for
the business section. In the morning I'd pick up the paper and he'd
said to me : "Chastity, hand me the business section. I want to examine
my Index Options". It's ironic that it was the business section that
finally killed him. He had a heart attack. The newsagent had
accidentally slipped a copy of Big Jugs inside. Well, George was so
shocked. At first I just thought that our Government Long Term
Inflation Bonds had come in. He looked so excited, and then... [wipes
away a tear]
Austin: Why what a misfortune that is. Were my name only George, then I
could forsake the church and marry you and we could live such relaxed
life to our hearts content.
Clint: That's what always sucks about those mags. When you first start
getting a magazine like "Biggins' to your Heart's Content", you read it and
almost instantly get your satisfaction. After a while, it gets to where you
have to get to page120 or so before you really start to enjoy it. And
finally you're saying to the little guy, "It's about time you showed up."
Not that I have ever read one of those. No, sir. I'm completely 100free. [Looks to see if anyone is buying it]
Austin: [Looks at Clint] By the love of Phili that is a shameful story.
You are but half a man, yet it seems with such forgiveness in your soul
you are a half man more than I. [Falls to his kness to pray] Phili, by
the power invested in you, grant me the powers of forgiveness and
patience that you have granted such a halfling as this. [Stands once
again, to face Jerome] As I peered at the map that Dave of Rhyming Fame
showed to us, I perceived that the various symbols signified letters.
That is how I came to know that the panel to be pushed earlier was the
green one. Likewise, I noticed that the second line indicated the word
'Seventh' and with further substitution the final lines read 'The answer
is four plus eight'. You, being an academic man as you are, can see
that there are not twelve levers, so I deduced that the answer 'seventh'
applies to which lever to pull. It may be argued, but in that case you
were to argue with the omniscience of Phili, that it may be that both
the fourth and eighth levers were to be pulled but I could only surmise
that the message would have exchanged the word 'plus' for a more
Alice : Big jugs? What is so shocking about large vessels? I'm sure if
they came with a tasteful tea set they would look just fine. You know,
you shouldn't just judge by the size of the jugs, there are other
considerations too. Anyway, assuming everyone agrees the answer is
seventh, who is going to pull the lever?
Harvey: [Tutting loudly] If we are all agreed, I'll do it. Troop, have your
weapons at the ready, for I smell something fishy! Argh, my mistake! Mr
Geezer, please do not stand so close!
Dave : Leave it out, John, them's just me jellied eels, mate. Couple of
'em after a plate of bangars and mash washed down with a swift 'alf of
bitter, can't beat it mate.
[Everyone draws their weapons as HARVEY reaches for the lever.]
Alice : Why are we drawing weapons when we suspect that if he pulls the
wrong one we'll be gassed to death?
[As HARVEY pulls the lever, a section of the ceiling slides back
revealing an opening that ascends into darkness.]
Jerome: [Sheathing his pocket knife, and motioning for one of the burly fighter types to go ahead
of him] Let us continue onward, the path is made clear to us, due to the Colonel's sharp thinking.
[Ponders for a second] Mayhap Austin had some small part in it too.
Alice : Don't be silly, why would we want a burly fighter ty- [a deep,
guttural growl from above silences her] Um, Clint, maybe you should go
first? [She lights a torch and holds it beneath the gap in the ceiling,
there are ridges in the walls above the ceiling, which would allow people
to climb up.]
Clint: Chas, don't worry about it. I'm already on it.
Chastity : [Listens] What was that deep guttural growl that silenced
Alice so? [To Harvey] Look Colonel! There are ridges in the walls above
the ceiling that will enable us to climb up. [Adds as an afterthought]
If we wish to climb up, that is? I mean, there are many paths that we
can go along in our lives, and it doesn't necessarily have to be the one
with a deep gutteral growl.
Clint: [To Jerome] Don't be silly. Harvey was just making a wild guess.
Father Austin is the only one in our presence with the proper wisdom to
avoid such traps. Besides, Harvey isn't Philli touched. [To Alice] I'll go
first. [Looks into the tunnel] Torch? [Holds out his hand before he goes
further realizing just how dark it is] Oh wait a minute, it seems this Clint
already has a few torches. [Takes one out and lights it off Alice's. Holds
his sword up so if a creature jumps on him it will run itself through] Pray
for me, Father. [To Alice] Could I at least have a... nevermind. [Walks into
Alice : Excuse me! I'll have you know that Uncle Harvey is as touched as
anyone - in fact, it has been said more than once that most of our family
is touched in some way.
Austin: [Peers up into the opening, meanwhile fumbling about in his
pockets. Eventually pulls out a flask of water, opens it and blesses
the water inside]. I have read in many fairy tale books, that holy
water can dispel evil. And now that I am living in such a time, perhaps
if we throw this water ahead of us, it may protect us from what lies
above us. Perhaps, it may light the way, with Phili's guidance and
blessing. Perhaps it may turn to acid and burn those feet that seek our
destruction but protect those that walk in Phili's light. [Suddenly
realises what he is saying, puts the flask away and mutters shamefully]
But more probable is that it shall wet the walls and dry up pretty
Jerome: Dr Jerome K. Trindle B.Sc. Ph.D. made an extensive study into the properties of "Holy
Water" and found that, although it smells a bit nicer than normal water, it is essentially the
same. Jerome cast some at Dr Melvin J. Harshcenwetter B.Sc. Ph.D. B.A. NTSC Di.CK, who was, Jerome
determined at the time, pure unadulterated evil. The water had no effect except causing Melvin to
become enraged, and slap Jerome.
Alice : Tut! Maybe it was the water that enraged him, how could anyone
ever slap poor Jerome. [Pause] Although, seeing as how normal water and
holy water are ostensibly the same thing - how is it that the local
convent had a Holy Water vending machine installed, selling the stuff to
the locals, not more than a week ago? Installed, I might add, by none
other than Dr. Jerome K. Trindle BSc PhD himself!
Harvey: [Staring in disbelief at Alice, mouths the word "ostensibly" and
beams with pride] Bless you Alice, but you have the gift of intelligence,
all right. No surprises for guessing which side of the family that
comes from. [Claps her heartily on the back] But for now...back to
business, as we seem to be in quite a predicateymint [winks at Alice]. Can
anyone see how far the rungs to up?
Alice : [Almost falling from Harvey's hearty clap] They go up about ten
feet, and seem to go in towards the centre. It looks to me like there is
another floor up there, and that one must climb up the side walls to get
onto it. I wonder if that's where the growl came from? [As if to answer
her, another growl sounds, clearly coming from the next floor. She shrugs
her shoulders] Pf! I've no idea where its coming from.
Harvey: Ah, ha. As I thought. [Looks up the hole and then takes a torch
and lights it off of Alice's] Well I'm certainly not climbing up there
in the dark! [With a grunt, he attempts to throw the torch up the hole and
into the room above]
[The torch flies up easily and lands inside the room. As the
flame flickers about, several shadows play about the walls, but there
doesn't appear to be anything on that floor.]
Jerome: [To Alice] The holy water was provided by the convent themselves, Dr Jerome K. Trindle
B.Sc. Ph.D.'s vending machine merely purified, cooled, and served the water. In fact, to further
Jerome's point, it is the exact same vending machine as is used for water.
Alice : My apologies, I assumed that a vending machine charged money for
any items it dispensed. In fact, I've heard that in a well known
university there is a Coke vending machine which merely takes money, and
doesn't dispense anything! Anyway [reaches up towards the ceiling] who's
going up first? One of the taller people could easily climb in and help
the rest of us up.
Jerome: Well, that is true, but the convent receives the money.
Chastity : [To Austin and Jerome] Do not doubt the powers of the Holy
Water, for then the Holy Water becomes powerless. You must believe in
it without question, and then it will become your greatest ally. My
third husband, George, swore by it. He carried the stuff everywhere in a
hip flask. Whenever I asked him a question like "Do you love me." he'd
take a drink and say "Of course, dear!". I used to wonder why he drank
from the flask at first, but soon realised that he was simply purifying
his mouth to mention of his love for me.
Alice : I don't suppose that his holy water was of the coloured kind?
Harvey: Alice, dear, most holy water is coloured a sort of muddy brown. Comes
from poor people washing themselves in the water fonts...Cripes, did your husband
die of a stomach illness, good sister?
Clint: Fuck! I'll go first. Cotten pickin' pizza eaters... [Grumbles more,
then hands his torch over to Alice, and tries to climb with one hand holding
his sword] Whatever is up here better not be from the Balotti gang or I'm
gonna kick its fucking pasta eatin' ass!
Austin: [Looks surprised] Make not such use of foul language, sir, in
front of ladies or those that act in the name of Phili. Yet, even so,
you surprise me, for I thought that the Colonel would have volunteered.
He has the stature and experience to do such scouting work well. You
prove to me, though, that despite your short comings, and hence your
spoilt underwear, that you have more balls than the Colonel.
Jerome: [Raises his hand, and pauses to say something] Ahh.. Actually... [Looks at Clint]
Clint: Forgive me, Father Austin. I'm sorry. I will make another donation to
the foundation of your choice on our return. Oh and thanks.... I think.
[Returns Jerome's gaze dully] Huh? Oh yes that one ball thing. You know, in
this body I tend to veer off to the right when I run or walk. Funny how
something so small can matter so much. [Takes another large sandwhich out of
his backpack, breaks it into two halves, and shoves an entire half into his
mouth] Mfff mff mff kill mfff mff mff mff thing. [Starts climbing with sword
in right hand]
Harvey: [Snorts and looks at Austin] Private Sleaze, do you have such a dislike
for your current body, that you wish to see it a cadaver? [Looks at Alice] Gah! The
mans an absolute dolt!
Alice : Gah! [Looks startled, as though wondering where she could have
picked up that term] He also seems to have a dislike for your body,
[CLINT hoists himself into the next floor, and ALICE throws a
torch up to him. After putting out the fire on his cloak, he looks around.]
Alice : Well, there obviously isn't anything up there, so give us a hand
Clint. [Alice climbs up with the help of Clint]
Chastity : [Climbs up with some difficulty and now looks extremely red
with the effort] Hmm. Alice, shine a torch around so that I may inspect
our surroundings. [Notices Clint's charred clothes] And be a little more
careful this time, will you dear! [Talks as though talking to a small
child] That torch is burny burny. Very h-o-t.
[Everyone climbs up, only to see that the room is empty. In the
corner is a ladder leading up through the ceiling. Another growl sounds
Alice : Dave, did you see any animals come in here?
Dave : [Looking at Chastity for a moment] Er, no, love. Not a single one,
but I weren't watching all the time, the lah-di-dah geezer, he might 'ave
brought one in, but he didn't bring no animal out with him.
Clint: [Holds his sword skyward, and looks up to see if he can see it] Come
on, fido. I'm ready for ya.
Harvey: [Puffing and panting] By the mother superiors beard, that was quite a
hike! I'm almost dizzy with altitude sickness! [Looks around and draws his sword]
Alice, don't stray too far away from me, my girl...who knows what may be lurking
in the shadows. Like right there! Or there! [Points randomly around the room] Or
there, or here, by God..even behind me...have at you foul fiend! [Harvey turns and
pokes his sword at a shadow in the corner of the room]
Clint: I thought the climb was like a walk in the park... with less scenery
that is. [To Harvey] Harv, you're never going to hit something like that.
You've gotta feel like a string of coiled pasta, just ready to strike an
evil meatball in the behind. D'journo... [Waves his sword about to get his
Alice : [Ducking and weaving in a manner Dave would be proud of] Shriek!
At least wait until we see what is up there before waving swords around.
[What appears to be a huge, three headed dog leaps from the
opening in the corner of the room. One of the heads is that of a
rottweiler, with dark red eyes, it is snarling and drooling. A second
head is identical to WILLIAM HUXLEY's and is crying, while the third head
is the same as IMMACULATA's, and starts screaming. The noise is pretty
unbearable. The dog lurches at CLINT, tearing him with its claws.]
Dave : Gordon Bennet, what is it?
Clint: Mama mia, this beast isn't normal! [Attacks with his sword and aims
for the dog head, then kicks at it] Attack the hairy head. No, not the
woman's head! The dog's head! Die demon, DIE!
Harvey: Ha sir! Lurking in the shadows like a big girls blouse! In my day, demonic
offspring were bold enough to stand in the open, as if to say, Come on then, lets have
a piece of you! But oh no, you may look fearsome with your three heads and bad breath,
[takes aim and also swings for the dogs head] but I bet you your biggest fear is a visit
to the vet!
[Both CLINT and HARVEY strike the animal, with some force, but
each of the blows bounce off. It catches HARVEY's leg with a claw,
drawing a lot of blood and scratches CLINT with its teeth.]
Alice : Crikey! Is it wearing invisible armour? [Goes behind it and
strikes it with her short sword, again not doing any damage at all.]
Harvey: Gah! I bleed! Doctor, for the love of god, use our magic sword on
the creature before we are undone! Have at you, foul fiend! [Harvey swings again]
[HARVEYS blow catches IMMACULATA's head, but just bounces off.]
Alice : Oh no! This is impossible! [Drives her sword into the dog's
hindquarters, but it bounces off]
[A voice calls from somewhere in the room "Come on, Doc, listen
Dave : Gordon Bennet, who said that then?
Austin: [Leaps backwards] My goodness. What kind of mythical creature
have we here then. Is it possible to tame it? It reminds me of the
fable of the Lernean Hydra, where it was necessary to seal the neck by
burning it after the head had been removed. That however, seems to be
the least of our problems, as it seems impervious to attack. Perhaps it
is shrugs off attempts the use man-made weapons and instead requires the
power of Phili to impede it's advance, or even fire. [Throws the bottle
of 'holy' water at the beast, then kneels and begins praying].
Jerome: [Handing the sword to Harvey] As a scholar and a student of magic, Jerome cannot handle
such weaponry. The task must fall to you, Colonel. [Begins chanting] Jerome doubts that this
beast will be impervious to Jerome's arcane powers, however.
Chastity : [Tries to talk to the head of Immaculate from a safe
distance] Oh sister! What has become of you? Please aid us. Turn
against the foul beast that has overcome your soul. Help us destroy
this awful creature. I can feel the good. [Whispers to Harvey] Colonel,
chop the heads off will you!
[The dog flinches as AUSTIN's holy water lands on it, and its
hair burns on contact. JEROME's magic missile, however, merely bounces
Alice : Oh no! If only there were a holy water vending machine here!
Jerome: Immaculata, come with us - I know you cannot strike us down. I can feel the good in you
still. Defy the emporer, turn your back on the dark side.
Clint: Harvey, either hit the thing or let me have a hack at it! [Tries to
throw his cloak over the beast to blind/trip/hamper it] Here, see how you
bite when you can't see.
Harvey: [Taking the sword from Jerome and turning to face the creature] Right then,
let's be having you! [Swings with all his might at the dogs neck]
[As CLINT throws his cloak over the heads, one of the claws comes
up and slices through it easily, also catching CLINT, knocking him to the
ground. As the dog moves in on him, HARVEY brings the sword down, between
the dog's head and IMMACULATA's. All three heads scream in agony, and blood
gushes from the wound.]
Immaculata : No Harvey, in the name of Phili, please don't, think of the
William : Please Colonel, I just want to go home to my Mammy, please
don't hurt me.
[The dog snarls and turns towards HARVEY.]
Chastity : Colonel, ignore them. They are trying to poison your courage
with the deadly elixir of self-doubt. Immaculata and the Huxley child
are dead. These incarnations we see here are just an illusion. [Takes
out her flask of water, quickly blesses it and throws the water towards
the dog] [Mumbles something]
[The water catches the dog on the shoulder, and it snarls
angrily. It lunges again at HARVEY, biting him on the wrist that is
holding the sword, and locking tight.]
Immaculata : No, Chastity! It really is me - myself and William are
trapped in this body, please believe me! If only your first husband,
George, was here, he'd know what to do!
[The handle of the sword glows for a second, and a voice calls
out, that appears to come from the sword itself "Come on Harvey, you dozy
Clint: Harvey, kill it before it kills us. [Seeing that the creature turned
toward Havey, attempts to get the beast in a full nelson or some type of
[CLINT grabs onto the dog, but it is shaking so violently he
can't really get a proper hold. Blood is beginning to spurt from HARVEY's
Clint: [Tries to take the sword from Harvey] Sorry, Harvey, but you can't
hit the dog with it on your arm like that.
Jerome: [Looking more than a little miffed at his Magic Missiles having no effect] Immaculata and
William, if you are indeed Immaculata and William, fight with us! Bite the dogs head, or perhaps
it's testicles if you can reach them.
Clint: [Looks at his own groin] Hey now. Even hounds from hell don't deserve
that fate. [A tear forms in one eye] There are some things that should stay
Immaculata : Oh, woe, Dr. Trindle, if only we could, but we cannot harm
this foul beast.
[This foul beast continues tearing at HARVEYs arm, and some of
the flesh appears to be coming off.]
Harvey: [Yells with pain] Gad damn! [Tries to stick the sword into the demons
[HARVEY twists his arm and the sword jabs into the dogs chest,
but he tears a lot of skin off his arm as he does so. As the sword sticks
in the dog howls, and thus lets go of HARVEYs arm, letting him fall back.
WILLIAM begins crying, but is barely audible over the dogs howling.]
Immaculata : You stupid fucking prick, Harvey, you always were the most
stupid prick I ever met!
[The sword seems to move deeper into the dogs chest as she
speaks, and suddenly there is a shower of sparks and the animal falls
over. Both dog and sword begin shaking wildly, before the room is
overcome with a stench of burnt flesh, hair and nun. The insides of the
dog appear to collapse and it flattens, with all three heads dropping
lifeless to the floor. The sword too, begins to melt.]
Jerome: [Patting Harvey on the back] Nice to be remembered fondly, eh Colonel?
Harvey: [Grimacing in pain and clutching his arm] Grab the sword before it's lost
to us, doctor! Quickly now! [Looks down at his arm] Gah! Another shirt ruined!
Jerome: But Jerome has no tongs! Laboratory safety regulations require tongs, leather gloves and steel testical
protecting gear before hot items are to be touched. [Looks around] Though, this isn't a laboratory.... [Attempts to
kick the blade away from the melting dog]
[JEROME kicks the sword and it slides across the room. The blade
looks as though it has become soft, and it is starting to lose its
straightness. The hilt glows dimly, and a voice comes from the sword.]
Sword : Ow! That's a fine way to thank me for saving your sorry hides
again. I'm not hot at all, I'm melting because all my energy has been
spent on killing that thing. Please pick me up from this undignified
Jerome: [Breathing a sigh of relief that his lack of safety procedures was unfounded, Jerome picks up the sword.] And
in which position would you like to be?
Sword : Sigh. I'm afraid it doesn't matter, all my energy has been
drained by killing that thing, I knew I was fated to do it, and I'm just
glad that it is you who is holding me in my last few moments, Jeromitus,
and is good to be surrounded by you all, except for Cocan and Milicent,
[While the hilt glows each time the sword speaks, the glow is
getting dimmer each time. An audible "aww" is heard from the audience.]
Chastity : [Hears the Aww, and turns in a full circle, looking into
space] What was that? [Shrugs her shoulders, and then notices Harvey's
arm] Oh, Colonel. Look at you, you're a mess. Come here and sit down,
while I tend to your injuries.
[CHASTITY casts her spells on HARVEY, who's arm looks a little
better. The shirt, alas, appears doomed. The light in the hilt of the
sword is almost extinguished now.]
Clint: I hate to sound heartless and all but... do you think your head would
glow if you stuck the hilt in your mouth? That'sa sorta neat.
Harvey: [Wipes a tear from his eye and holds up his torn cuff] Alas, poor
fabric, I knew it well. [Looks at the party] Alice, [relieved] oh dearest
Alice, you are safe, thank the lord. Tell me, do you fancy a bit of sewing?
Alice : Gosh! I'd love to Uncle, no one has asked me to fix anything
since I accidentaly sewed cousin Fred's button to his arm. Of course, I
don't actually have any sewing materials, so it will have to wait. [Looks
at the sword] Isn't it just a little strange to hear a sword speak?
Sword : Yes, *cough*, and soon I will expire, my work here is done.
Chastity : [Strokes the sword] There, there dear sword. But before you
leave us, do you know what we have to do now? If not, do you know of any
buried treasure lying around? The convent could do with some new
Austin: [Bends over the melting body] My goodness, had I not seen it
with my own eyes, I wouldn't have believed it. [Pauses] Hmmm, as in
essence I haven't, but have seen it through the eyes of the body that I
now control, does that I mean I don't believe it. [Turns to the others]
What you have just witnessed, and I haven't, did not occur. Who is
responsible for the creation of these demonic images? I daresay that
the Austin, of the here and now, has consumed to many hallucinogenics.
I take it that he may perhaps have spent too much time in the convent,
drinking of the holy water of the coloured kind provided by the good
Alice : Too much? Why, Austin always said he could never have too much!
Sword : Thank you, sweet Chastity, its nice to know some things never
change. As for where to go next, that I cannot tell you, but before I
depart, can I just say that if in the not too distant future you come
across another sword, perhaps with a slightly, though justifibly so,
inflated opinion of himself, do not take him at face value. And Harvey,
I'd like to say to go easy on Clint, cutting that finger off really was
an accident, [cough, the light goes very dim] and for Phili's sake, don't
mix the green and the blue liquids when you get to the volcano, it's a
real pisser trying to explain how priceless and magic metal can come to
have spots of rust. [The light goes out altogether, and the sword
collapses, looking as though it is just a hollow leather case.]
Alice : [Looking up through the gap in the ceiling (where the dog came
from)] I just hope there aren't any more of those dogs up there.
Chastity : [Blows her nose loudly] That was an awful shame, the sword
dying for us like that. If my second husband, George were here, he could
probably fix it. He's a real wizard with inventions and the like.
[Turns to Jerome] You would have liked him, Doctor. You would have
learned a thing or two as well. What he didn't know about science could
be written on the back of a stamp, and there'd still be room to lick it.
Clint: That's very erotic, Chas. [Looks around. To the party] Now where to?
Alice : There's only one way to go, up where the dog came from. [Points
up the ladder to the next floor] Either that or back the way we came.
Austin: Lets hope that even these vile demons believe in using birth
control. I would hate to see the offspring that this beast produces.
Come to think of it, let's hope that this is a mature demon, not one of
the lesser kind for if not then we shall surely perish.
Clint: Well, Father, pray for us, and follow me. [Starts climbing up to the
next floor] With Philli's blessing we will survive.
Harvey: I hope I can climb that ladder with my poor arm in shreds! [Looks
around for sympathy] Hmmmm...[a little louder] My poor, poor aching arm,
ow, ow, gangerine! I feel it setting in already! Gah, tomorrow I fear you
shall find me a grave man indeed, Alice my dear. Gasp! Cough! Rasp!
Alice : Gangrene, eh? And green was never really your colour. I guess
we'll have to lop it off!
[Upstairs is another body, and table with two bowls on it, one
large and one small. Each bowl has a number of indentations in it, 10 in
the large and eight in the small, there are also fifteen small stone
balls here, each of which can fit into one of the holes. There are no
exits and the table seems to be made of solid stone.]
Alice : Hm, I suppose its hardly as simple as putting all fifteen balls
into the holes, is it? Or maybe that was what he thought.
Clint: [Searches the body and looks around the room for secret passage ways
or unusual items] Harvey, you'll be fine. I have
ensured worse wounds than that. A scratch, a scratch.
Tis just a scratch.
Chastity : [Hands Harvey a small bandaid] That should do the trick,
Colonel. Now, let's see what little puzzle we have here.
Austin: [Peers into the bowls] My, aren't they pretty. Such ornaments
would fit well back in the church. Yet it is obvious they serve a
purpose here greater than they would sitting upon a shelf in the
sanctuary of Phili. Perhaps this puzzle is related to the third clue -
four plus eight - but if that is the case, which contains which amount?
[The body has nothing of interest on it, and has obviously been
searched by someone else already.]
Alice : A scratch? Strange, when you lost your ball, you seemed to
consider it to be a little more than that!
Clint: [Sighs] I didn't lose it. The moron whose body I inhabit lost it.
Besides, he will be able to use his arm again whereas I'm not positive this
Clint will be able to use his... *wound* [voice cracks a little] ...
anymore. [Takes out a scrap of parchment and writes a message on it: "To
find out how to keep a dingy blonde busy for hours, flip this parchment
over." Then turns the parchment over and writes the same message on the
other side] Here, I found this new puzzle. I think it's important. See if
you can figure it out. [Hands the parchment over to Alice]
Alice : Use his arm for what, I wonder? [Takes the paper and looks at it,
flipping it over a few times.] It is of no interest to me, I don't even
know what a dinky blonde is, nor why one want to keep her busy.
Clint: I love to keep dingy blondes busy. [Smiles and looks around for
doors] So what are we supposed to be doing here again?
Dave : Gordon Bennet, mate, you mightn't be half good at spelling dingy,
but your attention span ain't no dogs bollocks. We're 'ere to meet the
old bint, Marasmus Bane. Cor, blimey, we've some hope of it with people
like 'im in our party.
Harvey: [Taking the piece of paper from Alice. Reads it. Turns it over,
reads it, turns it over, reads it, turns it over, reads it, turns it over,
reads it, turns it over, reads it, turns it over] Gah! [Reads it, turns it
over, reads it, turns it over] Damned these infernal puzzles! [Has a sneaky
read, turns it over, reads it, turns it over]
Alice : [Takes it back] Uncle, I suspect that this not a bona fide
puzzle, merely an attempt by this Clint to pervert the course of our
investigation. Consider the facts, fact one, it was Clint who found the
piece of paper, fact two, all the other puzzles have been on the sheet
that Dave gave us, fact three, Clint was seen writing something seconds
before the note was found. And, [takes a deep breath to increase the
drama] we can all see how blonde is mis-spelled on it, we all know
there's no e, and thats just the kind of mistake Clint would make. [Rolls
the paper into a ball and triumphantly tosses it at Clint, not roughly,
mind you, but tosses in a gentle sort of way, in much the same way as one
tosses a baby onto a bed]
Austin: I concur with Alice's reasoning about that slip of paper. It is
quite obviously written with the penmanship of a man who is imbalanced,
both physically and mentally. I can also assure you that there is more
enjoyment writing such trite puzzles upon a piece of paper than actually
trying to solve said puzzles. Phili frowns upon those that waste their
given talents, and waste the time needlessly of others. Beware, for
should Phili take it upon himself to smite your remaining testicle, you
yourself would be less than a man and no more than a woman. Yet both
are in Phili's mind equal, and you being neither would not.
Harvey: [Looks at Clint] God dammit Scar, stop wasting peoples time here!
How can we expect to be an efficient and elite fighting force, if certain
members are still building sandcastles in the playground sandpit! Grow
up, would you! Get it into your thick skull [taps his head with his finger
repeatedly]...we could die here! [Takes a deep breath and looks at the
table, before looking at Austin] Well private Sleaze, you would seem to
have a certain flair for these puzzles...what was your suggestion again?
Alice? Sister? I fear I'm at a loss for this trickery pokery!
Alice : [Looking at the bowls] Well, it appears to me that there are two
parts to the answer - one for each bowl, did Austin mention something
about that earlier? [Looks enquiringly at Austin]
Jerome: [Also examining the bowls, and trying to make it look like he's not just doing as an excuse to get near Alice]
Perhaps the material the bowls are made from hints toward the solution of the puzzle. [Has a nosey at what the bowls,
then the pieces are made of] Or maybe it would be best to have Clint or Austin try something. [Looks for poisonous
Alice : Jer-oh! [Obviously startled at how close Jerome is standing] It
looks like the balls are made of stone, as are the bowls themselves, and
they all seem to be the same size.
Austin: [Beckons Jerome away from the bowls] Touch not those stones, for
they have been imbued with evil beyond reckoning. [Goes over and picks
up a stone] Hmmmm, perhaps not. Yet, it seems that death surrounds this
place, an aura of decay, a stench of rot permeates the atmosphere.
[Smiles] I've always wanted to say that - it's one of my favourite lines
from Dangleberry Languidly's novel 'Through The Labyrinth And Out The
Otherside Only To Be Torn Apart By A Fearsome Grue.' Returning to the
situation at hand, however, I believe that four stones should be placed
in one bowl, and eight in the other. Yet I assume my reasoning shall
once again be questioned and aptly so, for the clue merely stated 'The
answer is four plus eight' but made no indication as to which bowl
contains which number.
Alice : [Looking closely at the bowls] Look! There's actually only five
holes in this one - there must have been a reflection from the highly
polished interior that made it look like eight.
Harvey: [Begins rubbing his chin] Now let me see, ten holes in one, five
in the other, or is that five holes in one and ten in the other...hmmm, confusing.
Lets call that bowl A, and this one bowl B [points to the bowl with
five holes] Alright, eight and four makes..uh, twelve, so...we can put eight stones
in bowl B, and four in bowl A, no...wait, that's four in bowl B, and, what was
it, twelve in bowl A...no, that's not right, hmmm. Gah! Which was A again? Yes,
that's it...we'll put eight in bowl A, and four in bowl B. [Claps Austin on the
back] Well done that man! Sheer genius!
Alice : [Scrutinises the two bowls before turning to Harvey with an
irritated look] Sheer genius? How on earth are we going to fit eight balls
into the bowl with only five holes?
Harvey: [Beaming smile, takes a chisel and mallet out of his bag] This is how we're
going to fit eight balls!
Alice : [Claps Harvey on the back] Well done that man! Sheer genius!
Jerome: [Putting his hand on Harvey's hammer hand] Harvey, perhaps we should investigate the possibility that a more
scientific approach be taken. [Pulls out a pocket gas axe, and lights it] This should suffice. [Hands it to Harvey]
[ALICE puts on her protective visor and leans over to watch.]
Harvey: [Looking suspiciously at the axe] Hmm, a strange device, good doctor, but
should do the job. [Harvey places the chisel against the bowl and starts banging
it with the gas axe.]
Dave : [Catching Harvey's arm to stop him] Gordon Bennet, mate, wot you
think you're doing then, eh? Tryin' to kill us all, eh? Eh?
Harvey: [Shakes himself] Gah, what was I thinking! [Gives the gas axe back to
Jerome] My thanks doctor, but I'll not be needing it. [Looks at the bowls
once more] So...are we all agreed that eight stones are to be placed in the
ten hole bowl, and four stones are to be placed in the five hole bowl?
Alice : But which four stones? [Looks at the stones, all of which are
Jerome: [Picks up each stone, to see if he can notice anything different about their shape, size, texture or weight]
Perhaps we could just throw them up in the air, and see which ones land where? [Turns off the gas axe, and returns it
to his pocket.]
Harvey: Alright then, as I've heard no objections, I'll act on Private
Sleazes suggestion. I would still advise you all to stand back, weapons
at the ready, troop! [Places eight stones in the bowl with ten holes, and
four in the bowl with five holes]
[As the balls are placed into the holes, they seem to be sucked
down into them, so the top of each ball is barely visible. When the last
ball is placed in a hole, the front of the stone table swings open,
revealing a gold mask inside.]
Jerome: [Stands back, and pulls out his swiss army knife. Withdrawing the toothpick, Jerome holds it in a threatening
manner and steadies himself.]
Harvey: [Steps back in alarm, before peering closely at the mask, but not
yet daring to touch it]
Alice : Do you think its going to attack us?
Jerome: [Pleased with his choice of impliment, Jerome holds the toothpick a little higher] If it does, Jerome will
take a tooth out of it with this! [Whispers conspiratorially to Alice] Quite a lucky guess, that, Jerome nearly
decided we could be in danger from a horse with a sore hoof. [Jerome shows Alice the absolutely bloody useless tool
for removing stones from horses hooves]
Alice : [Simpering] Gosh, you're so cunning, Jerome. [Looks at the tool in
question.] Golly, what a funny shaped tool you have Jerome!
Dave : Oo-er! Pardon me missus! Eh? Eh?
Alice : [Ignoring him] Now, wouldn't it be keen if you had a mask
removing tool too?
Austin: [Points at the mask] Of pure gold, no doubt. Such treasures
abound in this land it makes the church cringe. 'And Phili sat upon the
universe and pondered such thoughts of greed and instant
self-gratification and wept, for his people scorned him and did bend
their will upon material things'. I suggest we leave this mask here and
find another means to open the door for he, or she, that will touch it
shall be cast aside by Phili and struck by lightning for he has not
forgiven the worshippers of idles. Idols.
Alice : Hmm, let me think. [Makes a disgusting derisory snorting sound]
What a stupid idea, Austin, the other poor fool down there obviously
tried to get in using his own face, and look what happened to him. If we
don't have the mask, how do you propose to get in?
Clint: It is useless to me. I can't take it back with me to my time. Can I?
Hmm... I wonder if it's trapped? [Clint reaches out to take the mask out of
[The mask was just resting there, and comes away easily, although
it is quite heavy.]
Alice : Hmm, I suppose that's one way of doing it.
Clint: Hmmm... I didn't die. [Laughs] Must not be trapped. Ravioli,
capreche. Man, you guys really should learn to do things my way. It's much
faster and easier. Sure, you might kill a few more people but what da hell.
Huh? [ducks and weaves, then nudges Dave with his elbow]
Jerome: [To Clint] Perhaps you should wear the mask, ravioli bolognaise.
Clint: Uh ok. [Puts the mask on] I feel like a fancy ass twit.
Dave : Phowar! Don't know where we'll get you one, mate! Eh? Eh? Say no more!
Alice : How pleasing it is now that we don't have to look at him any
more. What now? Shall we see if it fits in the wall below?
Clint: So I'm completely invisible? You can't see me at all? Sure, we can
see if it fits if you want to, Alice, baby.
Alice : Completely invisible? [Snigger] That's right, Clint.
Clint: Pasta prima, that's my meatball right there! I've got a lotta power
on my face. [Dances around Alice] You can't see me at all, then? [Pinches
Alice on the butt]
Austin: [Intones] Enough. By Phili, I have not seen nor experienced
such tom-foolery since I was bullied by the older priests in Havenstave
monastery. 'Bend over and pick up my bar of soap' they would say in the
showers. Cast aside the masks that you all wear and return to
seriousness for I have little patience for those that mock others.
[Looks towards Clint] And you, half-wit, thou art about as invisible as
the remaining testicle you have, and not as the others would claim the
testicle that you no longer have.
Clint: You mean I'm visible? You mean you can see me!?! [Ducks and weaves
when he looks at Alice, trying to dodge a punch or slap]
Alice : [Draws her sword and steps towards Clint] No, I can't see you at
all, why if you were to try that again there's nothing I could do about it.
Clint: Do what? Besides, I am a gentleman. I would never do whatever it is
you're talking about if it would cause you discomfort.
Jerome: [To Clint] Back to the matter at hand, do you experience any sensation while wearing the mask? [Jerome gets
as close to the mask as Clint breath will allow him, and examines it.] Hmmm... Interesting.
Clint: Not any I'd like to be feeling. It's cold.
Alice : Never do anything to cause me discomfort? Well, you exist, don't
you? Anyway, it looks like we're at a dead end - where can we go from here?
Harvey: [Looks around the room] Gah! Where has that Scar person gone? [Shrugs]
Anyway, I agree with my dear niece, we should go back down and see if the mask fits
in the wall. Who has the mask? [Gasps] Don't tell me it was in Mr Scars posession!
Dave : [With a horrified look] Cor blimey! Gordon Bennet, 'o do you think
the bloke in the iron mask is then, eh? Strike a light!
Harvey: [Wrinkles his brow and looks around again] What bloke, where? What
are you talking about, silly person!
Dave : [Exasperated] Luvaduck! The bloke prancing about all lah-di-dah
with his golden mask!
Alice : [Cups her hands about her mouth and shouting] Hello! [Pauses, and
makes a disappointed face, obviously confused as to the whereabouts of
her echo. She turns and looks coolly at Austin] Gosh, look, just in front
of your nose Austin, a bunglewarker, as large as life. Just as well that
I'm touched by Phili, otherwise I'd never see it.
Dave : [Quietly to himself] Dave, mate, there 'ad better be more than a
bloody pony at the end of this to 'ave put up with all these nutters.
Austin: [Wrinkles his brow and stares at Harvey] Forsooth, thou art more
foolish than the Harvey I have left behind. Those touched by the hand
of Phili can see things that are invisible to others, and those that are
followers of the other fallen gods have blinkered vision and see things
not as they truly are. You, however, are touched by madness for if you
cannot see this git prancing about like a wretched leaf upon the wind
thou are sadly afflicted indeed. Touched by neither nether nor ethereal
gods, but by the icy hand of madness. [Mutters in an ever diminishing
volumne, as if trying to create an echo simulation] Madness, madness,
Harvey: [Staring back at Austin] Whereas you, private, are as insolent
as always. Drop and give me forty!
Alice : [Applauding] Well done, Uncle H! Give me the old Austin, any day!
Jerome: [To Dave] Do you usually talk to yourself? First sign of madness (madness, madness, madness...), don't you
know. [To Everyone Else] So let us summarize - we are at a dead end in a small room, our guide is mad, Colonel Harvey
is mad, and Clint is playing dress-up. Should we not focus our, albiet dodgy, faculties into the search for where to
Dave : Look me old china plate, I ain't no 'atter, and that ain't no
porky pie - I just want to find the dosh, alright?
Harvey: Dear god, man! And could you blame anyone for losing their reasoning! I came to Queens View
for a peaceful retirement, and in the last few days I've been almost burnt, almost died in your flying
contraption, served time in a soul prison, was almost killed by the Sotot family, almost eaten by Zob
fish, then by the Pearses, I've been posessed and become a murderer, I've been crushed by rocks, I've
more arrow holes than you can shake a stick at, I've almost died on a train, I've been whisked away to
another dimension, I've almost been gassed, garotted, groped...and uh, greased, my arm has been ripped
from it's socket by some three headed foul fiend from Finland and worse, oh yes, worst of all, I've ruined
three of my favourite shirts! Gah! It's no wonder I'm feeling under the weather, I'm no longer a young
man you know!
Alice : Why don't we go back to where the hole in the wall was - surely
the mask will fit in there?
Harvey: Capital idea, Alice, and as previously mentioned, I agree with you one
hundred and fifteen percent! [Looks at the party and spies Clint] Ah, there
you are! Well come on, chop chop, time and tide wait for no man!
[The party make their way back to the indentation in the wall.
The bodies that had the skin removed from their faces are still here.]
Alice : [Looking around] Where's Clint?
Jerome: [To Harvey] Dr Jerome K. Trindle B.Sc. Ph.D. did not in any way intend to offend you, Colonel, and your
circumstance is quite obviously distressing. [To Everyone] Perhaps it was the mask that tore the skin from these
faces? It seems to Jerome that the obvious person to attempt to use the mask be Dave, for the simple reason that he in
an NPC, and therefore is expendable.
Harvey: [Looks at Clint] Er, good doctor, I think it's a bit late for that, as, you will
notice, Mr Scar has kindly volunteered to test your theory for us. Indeed, what if
the wearer is unable to remove the mask. Gah! Imagine having to rip every bit of skin
from your face! [Tries unsuccessfully to hide a smirk]
Dave : [Outraged] Oi! Face ache! You can take your mask and shove it up
your khyber pass! Now, I know I came along for the sausage and mash, and
I don't know what no 'enpeecy is, but I sure as shit I ain't one if it
means I'm gonna end up brown bread! If you want to get the old 'enry
Moore open you can use someone elses loaf. [Does a dodge and weave,
glaring at Killer Trindle as he does so.] Just shut your cakehole,
alright? Or I'll pop you on the bugle, so 'elp me!
Alice : Jerome! Don't be so callous - anyway, if the mask took the skin
off their faces, we will see when Clint tries to take it off, or maybe we
should wait until he tries it on the door, you know, just in case. Alice : Well? I'm sure
Clint won't back down from the challenge - wouldn't want to be seen to lose face, eh?
Clint: Seeing it's not my face to risk but the other Clint's and also seeing
that he has already lost a body part, maybe I shouldn't be the one to get
his face ripped off. Can't I just put the mask to the indentation without my
face in it? Besides, maybe the indentation rips the skin off and the mask
protects it. Ever think of that? [Seems proud of himself] In fact, I bet
that's it. So if no one else has anything more to add, I will proceed with
placing my handsome mug on the indentation with the mask on. Besides, you
wouldn't let me do this if you thought it were dangerous, right!?!
Harvey: [Gasps] Stop! [Turns to Alice] Please stop chewing that gum me dear,
it's most unbecoming. [Turns back to Clint] Well, get on with it!
All : Mumble mumble mumble mumble rhubarb rhubarb rhubarb.....
Alice : [With her eyes narrowed] If I've told you once, I've told you a
hundred times, its not gum, its blu-tack.
[Upon receiving all this support and concern, CLINT leans into
the cavity and places his face into the wall. The wall makes a peculiar
sucking sound and suddenly opens in, almost causing him to fall over.
There is a dark passage leading on.]
Clint: That smarts. [Turns around and other than his hair being completely
blown forward, he looks fine] I think the worst has passed. But it looks
like I was right and doctor Jerome K. Trindman was wrong. It looks like my
"mask protecting the face" theory was sound after all. I'll expect some
praise now for my courage and daring. [Claps his hands together as if the
party is a bunch of mob boys]
Jerome: [To Clint] Dr Jerome K. Trindle B.Sc. Ph.D. had thought possibly the mask ripped the face off it's victim,
then was sucked back through a complex series of tunnels back to where we found it. It appears that the makers of this
place had not the forthought that is gained by spending years at an institution of knowledge. Jerome is indeed glad
that you were here, Mr Scar, as you are obviously thinking along the same uneducated lines as the beings who
constructed this structure.
Alice : Interesting point, Jerry, but there are still some
questions, for instance, where is the mask now? How did it get under the
stone table in the first place? Where are the faces gone from these two
here? And, most importantly of all, what on earth is a Laffy Taffy and
why does it turn green in your pocket? [Conspiratorily removes a large
ball of green gunk that has all manner of bits of fluff, hair and small
denomination coins stuck to it. She tries to throw it on the ground but
it sticks to her hand even as she repeats the action.] Gah!
Harvey: Ha! That reminds me of Auntie Maple, Alice. Do you remember her? Very
phlemy woman! Very phlemy indeed. [Reaches over and prises the gunk from
Alice's hand, brushes a few bits off and pops it in his mouth] Mmmm, Laghhy
Taghhy, my faghorite!
Alice : [Feeling for something in her pocket] Oh! My mistake - here is
the Laffy Taffy! Hmm, I wonder what that other stuff was, oh well.
Jerome: Right-o! Let us away, and descend into the dark, dastardly and decidedly deadly looking corridor. [To Clint]
As you seem on par with the mind behind this place, Jerome suggests you lead.
[The party reorganise themselves with CLINT leading, HARVEY
second, JEROME third, ALICE fourth, AUSTIN fifth and DAVE sixth.]
Alice : Hold on a second, what happened to Chastity?
Dave : What 'appened, Darling? Ain't nuffink 'appened, it just ain't all
its cracked up to be, know what I mean? Eh? Eh? [Does a quick shimmy]
Alice : No, what I meant is what happened to Sister Chastity? She's gone!
Harvey: [Looks around] By the Gods, perhaps she's wearing that mask! Good
sister, good sister! Are you here? [Waits a moment for a reply, before
scratching a sideburn] Come to think of it, I've not seen her since I was
greviously wounded by the three headed demonic devil!
CDD - Missing post about a door?
Alice : It looks like a carving to me, what do you think, Harvey?
Dave : [Does a dodge and a weave] I can smell the dosh behind it - get it
Audience : Boo! Hiss! Come on! [Some of the studio audience are getting
Austin: [Makes a theatrical bow, from within the murky shadows were he
is lurking. Then picks up a rotten tomato from the floor, and throws it
at the long-haired red-head pseudo-intellectual type sitting three rows
back by the aisle who is apparently shouting the most abuse and is an
obvious heckler and trouble-starter. Amusingly, it looks pretty similar
to one Conor Ryan.] Hmmm. [Is about to say something, then pauses in
confusion and embarassment. Hisses quietly...] Prompt. Prompt.
[Waits]. Shit, I'll just have to improvise. [Aloud, once again]
Onwards, then. Enough dilly-dallying about. 'Idle hand are evil
hands', or something like that according to the good lord Phili,
paraphrased by Father Austin Slease, Chapter 12 of Jasper, Verse 5
[The audience member stands up and shouts some abuse at the
stage, which can't be heard because the microphone is too far away. He
then turns and storms out, pausing only to take a handful of the
complimentary Laffy Taffys.]
Alice : Come on, open the door!
[A male voice from the outside door calls out, "For crying out loud,
either come in the door or run out like the cowardly little toerags you
all obviously are. Dum de dum"]
Clint: [Realizes he hasn't done anything for a couple rounds] Who me?
Jerome: [To Clint] Yes, you do that.
[CLINT puts his hand on the door and pulls it open. It
does so with surprising ease, revealing a short staircase on the other
side, leading up.]
[The party slowly climb up the steps, coming to a small room.
Sitting here is an old woman with blood stained bandages over her eyes.
She turns and faces the party.]
Woman : Hello. I am Marasmus Bane. I expected the six, but something
seems out of place.
End of Scene
Dave : [Straining to see past her] Alright then, where's the treasure, eh?
Austin: [Bows to the woman] Indeed, your lack of eyes hinders not your
sight nor your perception. We have now in this party seven, for this
man [points at Dave] insisted upon assisting us purely for material gain
and so loses favour with Phili yet, to him I can assure you, that is
neither here nor there and the good Sister Chastity has vanished, Phili
save and protect her. So it is that something seems out of place and we
are indeed six once again, albeit not the six that you were expecting.
You have not made it easy to reach you, for if you had I would assume
you would have been killed for there are more bodies littered about here
than in the cemetery of Father Joseph's church. How is it that you have
been expecting us?
Marasmus : You too are perceptive. I sense from you the humility that can
only come from one at peace with Phili. As such, you will appreciate my
predicament - I was hounded from my home by Godless animals who blinded
me when I said that no one should have to witness such atrocities. They
broke into my house, murdered my husband and my eight children, raped me
and cut my eyes out. I was brought here by some sympathetic priests to
Dave : So, what you're saying is that there's no treasure? Right? Strike
a light, guv'nor! After all we've been through, three 'eaded dogs and men
Marasmus : I had a vision of six that would help me, clearly, he isn't one.
[There is a low grinding noise as one of the walls slides open.
Enter CHASTITY, looking a bit flustered.]
Chastity : Marasmus, I sincerely apologise to you for [nods to Dave] his
behaviour. [To Dave] I don't Adam and Eve you. You'll do anything for
Half an Oxford Scholar. Leave it out. [To the others] I must say, what
a startling experience. I fell into this passageway and couldn't climb
back out. I shouted, but was obviously out of ear's reach. Anyway, I
followed the passage here, heard you from the other side and opened the
door. [Dusts off her habit] One minute I was busily working out the
bowls and stones problem, the next I'm all alone. Did I miss anything?
Jerome: [To Chastity] Jerome is glad you are safe, but you shouldn't make a habit of rushing off alone. [To Dave]
Gordon Bennett, you can stick that up your jumper an' all. Keep that trap o' yours shut, or we might 'ave to shut it
for you, know what I mean? [To Marasmus] Dr Jerome K. Trindle. B.Sc. Ph.D. at your service, and might Jerome offer
his humblest apologies for our guide, we have attempted to rid ourselves of his presence, but he persists.
Dave : Persists eh? Well, guv'nor, might I just point out that none of
you would have got into this here pyramid if it weren't for me - all I
asked for is a little gratitude, and perhaps just a few priceless gems,
but no, oh no! All I get is aggravation John, and I've had it up to here,
[Exit DAVE, storming out the door.]
Alice : Isn't that door locked?
Marasmus : It will be opened to let him out - for he contaminates this
holy place. Now, let me tell you of my dream..
Six different souls together came,
To be in the darkness Lord Philis flame,
When one is hurt, let the others feel pain,
When one wins glory, let the others too gain,
Throughout time, throughout bodies, yea, even their death,
Let this six together, combat the evil of Seth. [Smiles] You indeed are
fortunate, that the six of you are bound together for all time to combat
the evil of Seth, how I wish I had a group of friends so straight and
Alice : [Regarding Clint and Austin with a baleful eye] Shriek! Eternity
with these guys?
Clint: [To Alice] Hey you're no rigatoni special yourself, dame.
Alice : Whatever that is! Cute rhyme, Marasmus.
[A voice calls out from directly behind Marasmus:
"I see you, you see me,
ha ha ha ha, he he he,
I see you, you see me,
Oh no you don't, because you are blind"]
Marasmus : [Sigh] I have a surprise for you.
Austin: [Looks about, but sees nothing] Where from does that voice call?
It taunts you so, and pays no heed to the power of this party. What is
the origin and purpose of this disembodied sound?
Chastity : Oh boy! I love surprises. [Notices Marasmus' sigh] Or is it a
bad surprise, because I don't like them. Like when my first husband,
George, passed away. And my second husband, George, come to that.
Clint: I hate surprises. What is it, doll? [Takes another sandwich out of
that hiding place of his and takes a large bite out of it] MMff Mmmff mfff
mff danger huh?
Jerome: Dear lady, tell us of your surprize.
[MARASMUS reaches behind her, and picks up a large sword. It
looks identical to the one the party had earlier. The hilt of the sword
glows and it speaks.]
Beaucaphalus : Tremble, mortal ones, for I, [dramatic pause] I am none
other than [more deeply and louder than before] Beaucaphalus The Wonder
Marasmus : This is your surprise.
Beaucaphalus : [Still more loudly than is really necessary] Ha! Who among
you is man enough to wield Beaucaphalus The Wonder Sword? Is there a
mighty knight? A king, perhaps? A famed dragon slayer?
Clint: [Mockingly to Jerome] Stand back, *doc*. [Shoulders his way past
Jerome] Let me handle this. [To Marasmus and Beaucaphalus] Better than that.
How 'bout a rich mobster with an attitude, a six pack like you wouldn't
believe, and biceps the size of the Twisted Tower of Shadowdale? eh? eh?
Harvey: [Nods] Yes indeed, but Conan refused point blank to join our party, which
is why we ended up with you, Scar.
Beaucaphalus : Do not taint my hilt with your grubby hands, you low life
criminal. Surely the name Beaucaphalus The Wonder Sword means something
to you? I was not crafted by Phili himself in the deepest volcano from
materials unknown to mortal man to be used by some cheap thug for stealing
shopping baskets off little old ladies, oh no! Not I! I should be used by
a hero, at least six foot six tall, with rippling biceps, a shock of
blonde hair. He should have steel in his eyes, fire in his heart and good
in his soul, or, [pauses, as though thinking] maybe a beautiful female
[Alice's eyes light up] virgin would do too.
Alice : Doh!
Marasmus : [Sigh] Please, just please take him.
Chastity :[Slowly, a look of shock, anguish and despair grows on
Chastity's face, and she swings to face Alice. She points at her, and
utters gibberish, unable to form words properly] You mean, you mean,
you're not a virgin? Oh Colonel, the poor girl has been raped!
Alice : What? Was I? [Sits down, obviously shocked] Raped? Let's see,
[starts counting on her fingers] One, two, [dum de dum] eight nine ten
[dum de dum] thirteen fourteen [dum de dum] twenty, twenty-one, twenty-
wow! A lot!
Jerome: [Looking more than a little upset] Don't worry Alice. Jerome will make sure they all pay for their crime.
Were then all on the same team? [To Chastity and Colonel] We can only hope this delusion will pass.
Alice : [Tearfully] No, Jerry, don't be silly, eleven of them were on one
team and eleven on the other...
Marasmus : Know ye now that throughout the ages, throughout lives, your
souls will forever be entertwi-
Beaucaphalus : Yada yada yada, lets go and kick some butt, now which of
you is man enough to carry me?
Harvey: [Shrugs his shoulders] Well I certainly don`t want the thing. My
sword was forged by the dwarven smith Overtop Underbottom, an expert in the
field of metalurgy and a master of the blade. Besides, I`ve no truck with
speaking swords. And certainly not that one!
Beaucaphalus : Underover Topbottom? What a perfectly apt foolish name to
forge such a perfectly foolish toothpick. If we're to save the world, you
need a better blade than that, and there is none better than Beaucaphalus
The Wonder Sword!
Marasmus : It is true, Beaucaphalus is indeed a truly magnificent sword.
Beaucaphalus : See? Even a blind woman can see that!
Harvey: Thank you, dear lady, but I`ll decline your offer of the sword,
for before long, the poor thing would be lying in the bottom of a very deep
pool, with only the crabs and lobsters to annoy. [Pats his own sword proudly]
There, there, my tempered treasure, pay no heed!
Beaucaphalus : Just you try it, fatso!
Marasmus : I understand your reticence, but I assure you, this weapon
will prove invaluable to you. Is there any among you who wish to carry it?
Austin: I would volunteer to use it, yet it is against the will of
Phili for any clergy to make use of weapons that are designed to hack
and slash. I will however test this theory, for never before this have
I had cause to use a weapon of any manner yet in these exceptional
circumstances, perhaps Phili shall avert his eyes for it is in a worthy
cause and one that befits those martyrs that shall sacrifice themselves
for the greater good and conversion of non-believers. [Bends over to
pick up the sword]
Chastity : Oh, just give the sword to Clint, for Phili's sake. We have
more pressing matters at hand. [To Alice, in a comforting tone] There,
there my child. Once we are back in Queen's View, the nuns will take
care of you. We have a special hostel for abused women where girls like
you can reside. There, you can live out the rest of your years free of
the evil men that conquered you so. We have all sorts there. Women who
can no longer have a number two after years of 'that' abuse, women who
were whipped and beaten into submission, and even women who were
defacated on. You'll feel right at home once we receive a charitable
donation from your family. [Looks towards Harvey]
Alice : [Wrinkling up her nose] Eauh! Just what kind of hostel are you
talking about here, Chastity? I thought you lived in the local nunnery,
not Madam Silk's Home for the Perverted? Just because people like you
enjoy defecating on human toilets in the nunnery doesn't mean I'm going
to have any part of it - you disgust me, sister, I shudder to think what
Big Mac would think if she knew about it. Anyway, enough's enough, my
private life's my own affair, and I'll thank you not to stick your nose,
or any other implement, for that matter, into my private area.
Marasmus : [Quietly, possibly even to herself] These are the chosen ones,
oh Phili, why must you test me so?
[AUSTIN holds the sword aloft, and his whole body seems to ooze power.]
Beaucaphalus : I just hope you know what you're getting yourself into, bud.
Austin: Behold. The body that I now possess, being not of a soul that
is a fervent follower of Phili, is not at all affected by the wielding
of a sharp blade, much as I detest it. Yet it seems to grow stronger
for such is the nature of violence. The word of Phili doth say that
'Those that seek power shall find it, yet those that need it not shall
find the Power of Phili which is mightier than flesh, steel, soul and a
variety of other materials. Harken unto the power of Phili, lest the
other powers be struck down for they are weak and humble powers when
faced with the wrath of god and as such shall perish eventually.'
Therefore, we must make use of this sword until such a time where it is
no longer necessary, as it by Phili that we have happened upon it and so
must use it. Phili, I'm sure shall provide a sign when we are to return
it to him, but until then it is mine. All mine.
Beaucaphalus : Yeah! Let's go kick some devil-worshipping butt! I'm glad
it was you and not the ugly looking guy, Lint, or whatever his name is.
Marasmus : For you to have sought me out, there was surely some pressing
reason. Is there some way I can be of assistance?
Clint: [To Beaucaphalus] Aww shut up, you shitty cum guzzling queen. [Makes
an obscene masturbation-like gesture toward the sword] I don't trust too
many weapons that talk. Especialy when one looks like a dirk and have a
squeaky voice that doesn't sound unlike Don Knotts. Bugger off, deputy.
[Makes a different obscene gesture toward the sword]
Chastity : [Slaps Clint in the face] Why, you. I've a good mind to wash
your mouth out with soap and water. Now apologise to the good lady, at
once. [Turns to face Harvey] Colonel, would you kindly keep a hold of
your troop? My second husband, George, always kept a tight reign around
his boy scouts, and never let them get out of control this way. And
would you please put a top on. You'll catch your death with this chill
in the air.
Clint: I was talking to Beaucaphalus the sword, you stupid nun. Oh, and next
time you hit me, you won't have the luxury to do so the time after that...
unless, of course you can slap with a bloody stump. Your second husband
George *would* be interested in small boys after marrying you! I guess if
he had to get some ass; a little boy did the trick for him just as well.
I've lost my boyz, and now I'm a different man,
I have no power, prestige, or gold,
now I'm with a party of losers, they can't do anything,
and they expect me to do what I'm told.
[Starts singing a bit louder, and the dancing girls come out in black suits
with white gloves]
Oh....... with my boyz, I could do most anything,
I could pop a dame in her jaw,
but lately I've been out of my mind,
I've been too used to the ways of the law.
Now I'm stuck in a dungeon with magical sword,
A party, a blind woman, and nun,
And I know Alice has the hots for me,
but tha' dame won't let me have any fun.
Oh....... with my boyz, I could do most anything,
I could pop a dame in her jaw,
but lately I've been out of my mind,
I've been too used to the ways of the law.
I want back to my real life,
this Clint Scar is'a chump,
I want my life back, with my boyz in the mob,
where I find places for the dead bodies to dump. [Gives an evil look to the
Oh....... with my boyz, I could do most anything,
I could pop a dame in her jaw,
but lately I've been out of my mind,
I've been too used to the ways of THEEEE... LAAAAAAAAAAAW.
I've been too used to the ways of the law.
[Dancing gilrs pose around Clint as he folds his arms across his chest in a
macho mobster style look]
[Turns to offstage] I told you I'd get that high note!
[Dancing gilrs leave the stage]
Clint: I don't care anymore. Let's just take the sword and help Marasmus, I
Harvey: [Taking the cotton wool from his ears and looks at Chastity] My
beloved shirts are in tatters, dear sister. [To Marasmus] Dear lady, I was
told that you, and you alone held the cure to the scalies disease, currently
gripping the hearts and minds of the people of our country. Please share
this knowledge, so we can rid the land of this affliction. [Looks briefly at
Clint before tutting loudly and raising his eyes to heaven]
Marasmus : That is, sigh, [pauses as the applause dies down] that is not
quite true. Since I travelled south, I have heard about the awful
Scalies, and indeed I do have a cure. Unfortunately, I do not have it
with me - for it is at my home, in Hallbridges.
Alice : But we're miles from Hillsfar!
Marasmus : I said its in Hallbridges.
Alice : Yes, what of it?
Marasmus : But you said we're miles from Hillsfar!
Alice : And aren't we?
Marasmus : Well, yes, I suppose. Anyway, you must go there, and go the
"Warm And Restful Tavern" - there you will find my assistant, Claude De
Montague. He will be able to give you the cure and might be able to help
you all get some training to help you through the dangerous time ahead.
Harvey: Gah! Hillsfar, a town I never could abide! But wait, what
dangerous times exactly are you talking about, Ms Bane? Could things
possibly get any worse! Could events possibly degrade from this
circumstance I now find myself in? Times are even worse than back in
'56, Gumboot Hill. We were surrounded on all sides by an enemy for
miles, turning the surrounding fields into a glittering ocean! And
there we were, no more than two score dozen few, standing in shocked silence
on ol' Gumboot. But by God, we fought like things demented until finally,
after perhaps half a whole minute, we were overpowered and marched off
to the prision camp and forced, forced dammit, to knit wooly cardigans and
socks for the children of famine sticken Africa. [Pauses for a moment]
Why is it, that starving children in the hottest countries on this
planet, always wear wooly cardigans? Eh? Can you tell me that?
Beaucaphalus : Hah! If you had Beaucaphalus The Wonder Sword, you would
not have been beaten so easy!
Harvey: Doubtful! Before long our horses would probably have had fine
sets of Beaucaphalus the Wonder Horse Shoes!
Beaucaphalus : And just think of the fine time they would have had
trampling you to death!
Harvey: Doubtful again, as I would be able to deflect their hooves with
my Beaucaphalus the Wonder Toecaps.
Beaucaphalus : Well, that would be kind of hard, considering they'd be
shoved up your ass!
Harvey: Ha, and you'd enjoy it, no doubt. You give a whole new meaning
to the phrase 'gay blade'.
Beaucaphalus : Why you, you .... [Makes a strange kind of "Meayearargh"
sound] Come on, Austin, let's whip his butt, I mean beat him up, not
Austin: [Looks at the sword] Silence. I am your master, and you shall
do my bidding. There is no I in 'team', or 'we' or 'us' or 'flavour' or
'tulip'. And if you do not respect the wishes of my fellow adventurers
then, by Phili, you shall be destroyed. [Turns to face Harvey] Taunt
him not, for I fear that the bickering may never cease. [Places the
sword under his cloak] There. That should at least muffle his voice
and prevent him from hearing your snide, and unnecessary, comments.
Chastity : [Playing with her hearing aid] Damn thing probably needs new
batteries. [To Clint] What's that? Oh apology accepted, but there was no
need to make such a song and dance about it. [Turns to Marasmus] Thank
you, I think [glances at Beaucaphalus], for the sword. Now what we're
really after is a cure for the Scallies. Do you know of one that exists?
[Looks at the sword once more and mutters] Beaucaphalus? What a queer
name for a sword.
Beaucaphalus : [Loudly, and quite audible through the cloak] By Phili, or
by anyone, I shall not be destroyed. Any chain is only as strong as its
weakest link, or links, as the case may be. You will regret your
intolerable behaviour to me sooner or later.
Marasmus : Cure for Scalies? [Sigh] Well, yes, I suppose. There is a bar
in Hallbridges and -
Alice : [Indignantly] But we're miles from Hillsfar!
Marasmus : I said its in Hallbridges.
Alice : Yes, what of it?
Marasmus : But you said we're miles from Hillsfar!
Alice : And aren't we?
Marasmus : [Shudders] Anyway, go the "Warm And Restful Tavern" - there you
will find my assistant, Claude De Montague. He will be able to give you
the cure and might be able to help you all get some training to help you
through the dangerous time ahead.
Jerome: [To Marasmus] You really should keep important things like that on you, you know. But, our many and varied
thanks for the information, and the sword. [Bows politely] Now, shall we depart for Hallbridges, to meet with Claude
Marasmus : My apologies, but I have designed cures for over three thousand
different ailments - it is somewhat impractical to carry all of them
around with me.
Alice : Honestly, some people are just so lazy. Isn't it a bit late to
start going to find Claude? It is after nine o'clock, after all.
Harvey: [Claps his hands] Why dear niece, that's the best thing I've
heard all day! It would indeed be foolish of us to depart for
Hallbridges tonight. [Turns to Marasmus] So, is there a place around
here we can hole up for the night, dear lady? I'm fit to drop from
the tiredness, as you can see! Oh, I guess not!
Marasmus : Yes, you may stay within the pyramid tonight. There are a
number of cushions in the next chamber [motions behind her] you may sleep
there, they are a bit hard, but quite comfortable, nonetheless.
Alice : [Looking into the room at the "cushions"] Hmm, maybe I'll just
sleep in the next room.
Harvey: [Also looks in] Hoi! Those aren't cushions, Ms Bane! They're...
[looks at her eyeless face], um, they're...ah, how should I put this...
um...you know in olden times when ah...kings and things were, um,
wrapped in linen bandages when they, er...passed on? Well, um, it
would appear that you've mistaken a number of them for pillows! In fact,
I'm surprised ol' Beau-phalus there didn't tell you!
Marasmus : I'm not.
[The party go into the other room and make up some bedding for themselves.]
Alice : Hm, well, its not what I'm used to, sharing an inner sanctum of a
pyramid with six other people, but I suppose it will have to do.
[Exit ALL, to the land of Nod.]
End Of Scene
End Of Scene
[Act 8, Scene 7, Thursday 8.30. The Queens Chamber.]