[Act 7, Scene 1. The Hamstrain Station. Thursday 11.30. ALICE, HARVEY, CHASTITY, LENIN, DARLING, AUSTIN and CLINT are here.]
Darling : Oh this is so exciting! The noise of the engine! The bustling of the people! The smell of the...[face drops] hamster dropping?
[Enter GREAT WESTERN, owner of the Hamstrain.]
Great : Good day y'all, and welcome to this here maiden voyage of the Hamstrain! I trust y'all have your tickets, y'know, we can't have just anyone on the good ole Hamstrain now, can we?
Alice : Great Western? What kind of name is that?
Great : Why young missy, it's all my name!
Harvey: Ha! Are you by chance related to Wild Western, sir? I met the man during the campaign of HostileTakeover, back in '54. A fine soldier, a shining example of the military! [Shows Great the tickets, while eyeing the Hamstrain] By the saints, sir, a truly magnificent machine!
Clint: [Smirks and whispers to the party] I once beat up a guy named Country Western. It had to be done. He was singing Garth Brooks songs. [Whispers to Harvey] Will we have to give them our weapons until we get there?
[A skinny, ugly little man edges his way toward the party]
Great: Wild Western? [Slaps his thy, and laughs loudly] Why, if that ain't the funniest name I ever did hear! No, Sir, I don't believe I know this Wild Western ya'll speakin' of. [Accepts the tickets, then shakes Harvey's hand vigorously] But I am right god-damn, golly pleased to be meetin' you, Sir. I'm just know ya'll gonna find this here train [pats it affectionately] just the coziest...
Skinny, Ugly Little Man: [muttering] Least comfortable...
Great: ... most stylish...
Skinny: ...death trap...
Great: [Going to great lengths to ignore the skinny man] form of transport known to man. Yes-siree, ya'll gonna have yerselves a blast!
Jerome: [Frowning, then speaking to the Skinny Man] Dr Jerome K. Trindle B.Sc. Ph.D. has inspected this vehicle, and has found it to be mechanically sound, what facts are you basing your comments on, Sir?
Skinny: [Looking distastefully at the party, but mostly at Great] I wouldn't expect your sort to know much about such things.
Harvey: And [slowly] what exactly is...our...sort, you odious skeleboned blackguard? [Waves a hand at Skinny] Begone, little man before you find out exactly what our sort are capable of!
Skinny: Your sort is the typical sort that are getting onto this sham of transportation! [Waves his arms around at the other boarding passengers] You just have no idea what you're getting yourself into...
Great: Slim Pickings! I think you'd best be goin', boy. You aint gonna scare off muh customers like that.
Slim: [Looks at the train and shudders dramatically] I mean, would you just look at that thing? Why, oh why did it get painted THAT colour? [Looks at Great] Oh, that's right. I remember now.
Harvey: [Suspicion aroused] Ha sir! [To Great] Is there a problem with this train we should be made aware of? Is it possible, could it be, that our lives are unsafe? You might as well tell us, Mr Western, as you have our tickets. If we walk away, you'll not be out of pocket. [Looks again at the Hamstrain, before prodding it gingerly]
Austin: [Gives Skinny the once over] Enough. State who you are and what purpose you are tyring to serve, so that all may know from which standpoint you argue. [Takes his silken handkerchief from his tunic, mops his brow, then replaces it. Notices some dust and then flicks it from the front of his tunic] Well I'm waiting. [Turns to the others and whispers] I would like to reserve my seat now - it must be on the right hand side of the carriage, facing in the direction of travel and have an openable window, that I may display my beauty to all as we pass by.
Clint: Beauty? Oh, I see. You need to display your ass... I mean... face, right Aus?
Slim: [Haughtily] I am an expert in this field - unlike the owner of this train. I have observed the making of this train, and the administration behind it, and I have lodged a formal complaint to the board that it be removed from service.
Great: [Almost incoherant due to anger as well as accent] Well, I'll be! Gosh dang damnit, Slim Pickings you lying piece of cow do! Why, I orta rip yer arms off, boy!
Darling: [Muttering under his breath] Sour grapes.
Jerome: [Veins popping out of his neck] Sir! Dr Jerome K. Trindle B.Sc. Ph.D. protests in the strongest manner possible without violent physical contact! This very transportation vehicle of which you are speaking has been checked for safety by none other than Dr Jerome K. Trindle B.Sc. Ph.D., and found to be very safe indeed! Either provide proof of your allegations, or desist from these comments!
Alice: [Getting all cow-eyed, turns to the rest of the party] Isn't he just so manly? [Sigh]
Clint: Thanks, Alice. I do work out a lot. [Flexes a bicep as he shakes a few ashes off his cigar at Darling] It's nice to see someone still appreciates a true man.
Harvey: [Tuts loudly, obviously irritated] Is there, or is there not a problem with the Hamstrain? I'm not going to risk the life of my niece, or kindly Sister Chastity on what might possibly be a metalic deathtrap! [Looks at Jerome] Good doctor, if you believe this train to be safe, then I'll gladly board her, for I trust your word over that of [points at Skinny] Slim Jim there. But if you have any doubts, please voice them now.
Austin: Although, it pains me to say it, I too would take the word of Jerome over some snide little moany hole. See to it that you disappear from my sight, Skinny. [Turns to Great] May we board now, sir, and could you inform me as to the length of the journey so that I may prepare myself and organise my beauty sleep as required.
Alice : Jerome, you're the one who knows about these things? Should we trust it? [Looks suspiciously at the fake whiskers on the engine]
Clint: I think Jerome said he trusted this rusty deathtrap, as Harvey so eloq- um... eloqua-... um... as Harvey put it so well.
Jerome: [Nodding in agreement with Clint] Yes, Dr Jerome K. Trindle B.Sc. Ph.D. has indeed thoroughly investigated the vehicle upon which we are destined to travel, and have found no problems with it. In fact, the colour reminds me of the pioneer years, for some reason.
Great: Ha! There you have it! [To Slim] You'd better git, boy. These folks aren't gonna believe yer lies, and it's not worth my energy to give you what ya deserve.
Slim: [To Jerome] Of course, you don't have any formal training in this area.
Jerome: [Eyes hardening] Sir, Dr Jerome K. Trindle B.Sc. Ph.D. has spent years in tertiary education, learning about all manner of mechanical and electronic devices. Since that time Dr Jerome K. Trindle B.Sc. Ph.D. has invented many useful items, such as the Dr Jerome K. Trindle B.Sc. Ph.D. Solar Powered Light Generator, the Dr Jerome K. Trindle B.Sc. Ph.D. Heat Resistant Fusion Powered Egg Timer, and many other devices that have revolutionised many industries - including transportation! Seek not to discredit Jerome in this manner.
Slim: Yeah, well, whatever. This thing is still an accident waiting to happen.
Great: [Stepping right up to Slim, and grabbing him by the front of the shirt] Listen to me, boy! Yer gonna hafta give up an' go home, else I'm gonna punch yer teeth so far down yer throat that when ya fart ya whistle!
Darling: [Muttering] Jealous little git.
Alice: [Clasping her hands together] You know, Jerome, I've studied to. I'm a scientist, you know.
Clint: Thanks, Alice. I do work out a lot. [Flexes a bicep as he shakes a few ashes off his cigar at Darling] It's nice to see someone still appreciates a true man.
Alice: [To Clint] I don't think so, Clunk. Gee - I reckon you could write an entire sitcom around that one-liner!
Clint: [To Alice] Scientist? Yeah right. Maybe a doctor, but I don't think brown nosers are considered Proctologists. [To Great and Slim] Great, you gotta show me that trick. But you gotta promise me that you'll give me a crack at him also. [Steps up to Slim] I'm gonna hit him so hard... that... uh... you're gonna um... [Looks at Jerome] Jerry, help me. I've been having trouble describing different maiming techniques of mine lately. Do you think I need a vacation? [Turns back to Slim]
Alice: Are too! That just shows what you know, Clint. [Smiles self-congratulatorily]
Jerome: [Scratching his chin] Perhaps you're just not feeling the right emotion? Is it known to you, for example, that Slim Pickings called you a more feminine version of Stephen Hitchberg? Perchance that may provoke you to your former glory.
Clint: [To Jerome] Really? [Faces Slim] Maybe Slim doesn't realize this, but I think he is a skinny little piece of useless flesh that doesn't hold any function other than to act as a javelin of sorts for his slutty wife to stick up her Philli forbidden stinky black hole of a cunt. Furthermore... you look funny! [Attempts to position a foot on Slim's feet and punch him a few times giving everyone a neat childhood flashback of Punchy the inflatable clown punching bag, that sat on the floor and came back up after hit over and over again. Fun for the entire family]
[CLINT punches SLIM, and everyone is reminded about Punchy.]
Slim: [Reeling back] Guards! This man attacked me! [Snarls To Great] Or haven't you paid your security enough for them to get here. [Steps back and flinches away from Clint]
Clint: [Shakes his hand as if he's hurt it] Great, arrest him! He just head butted my hand.
Harvey: [Bellows thunderously] Enough of this nonsense! Poor sister Chastity is shocked to silence at this gratuitous display of bullying! Clint, leave the man alone! Jerome, I believe your verdict of the train. Alice, of course you're a scientist and Darling...well, what are you muttering about. But again, who cares? [Turns to Great, calming down] Well, Mr Western, thanks for your time. Troop, all aboard! This train has been declared safe! [Harvey starts towards the train, before pausing and turning to Sister Chastity] Good sister, perhaps a short prayer before we start our journey might calm some nerves? I for one prefer to travel with Phillis blessing.
Alice : Quick, get him arrested, it is our best chance yet to get rid of him. Then we'll have a proper party, where our sharpest weapon is Jerome's razor sharp wit. [Sigh]
Jerome: [Sigh] Jerome fears that may not be possible, as most courts and priests would refuse to punish Clint for his actions against Slim Pickings within a few moments of meeting Slim. In fact, Jerome believes that several would grant him an indulgence - is Dr Jerome K. Trindle B.Sc. Ph.D. correct in this assumption, Sister Chastity?
Clint: Damn. I hope so. [Sneers at Slim]
Austin: [Stands looking in amazement at Clint] Why such needless violence? I would hazard a guess that this man will now have it in for you, as so many others do [gives Clint a wry smile] yet you persist in just made up...feelings. [Turns to Great] We are in a hurry, good man, and little time have I for either your boasts, nor his [points a finger at Slim without looking at him] his tidings of ill-will. May we board?
Great: No boasting goin' on here, boy. I'm just tellin' the facts. You kids go on up, and have yourselves a pleasant journey, you hear?
[The party walk into the train]
Alice: What was all that about?
Darling: [Shrugging] Just local politics.
[The party reach the first compartment, and step inside. Already seated here are PEARCE PEARSE and DADDY PEARSE.]
Daddy Pearse: [Folding his arms across his chest] Well, just lookey what we have here.
Pearce Pearse: [Starting to stand] Why, I'm gonna kill you so hard your...
Daddy Pearse: [Putting his hand on Pearse's arm, and pulling him down to sit] Calm down son. There's plenty of time for that later.
Harvey: [Gives Daddy Pearse a cold look] Excellent, at least there'll be something to break the monotony of our long journey. Whenever either of you are ready, give me a nod. I'll gladly end your turgid, inbred, swamp chewing lives.
Alice : Obviously, Clint is going to sit beside the Clampetts.
Clint: [Smiles a sinister smile at the Pearses] Oh yeah, I remember you guys. Which one of you was it that I shot in both hands and they almost fell to the Zobfish? Well boys, I've got a blade at my side this time. If you give this fine lady [gestures to Alice] or these gentlemen [motions to everyone else (even Chastity)] then I will have no choice but to force feed your own bloody spleen right down your miserable little cornbread eating gullets. By the way, feel free to do whatever you want to Paul over there [points at Darling] with no penalty from me. You'll just have to worry about the others with him. [To Alice] I will only sit next to Little Abner and the Dogpatch bunch if I get to maul them. Otherwise, I'm sitting as far away from their filthy incestial stench as I can.
Pearse : Uh huh huh, your a-steppin' on muh blue swede shoes, boy!
Alice : Who has the ticket stubs? Maybe you will have to sit beside them after all, are our seats already picked out, Darling? Oh look, [picks up a small brown item, about the size of a matchbox] a binglewungletinglewareker! I haven't seen one for ages. [Breaks it into little pieces and throws it into the bin].
Austin: [Picks a seat as remotely as possible from the Pearse's, sits, it does indeed have windows] My goodness, what have they done! Moves his head about peering at the glass, more and more furtively] I can't believe it. They've installed non-reflecting glass.
Daddy Pearse: [To Clint] Now you just watch what you say about what you did to my son, or I'll be forced to slice you open and pull all your wriggly bits out.
Pearce: Hey, Daddy, what about the uhh, savin' it till later, you know what I'm sayin'?
Daddy: [Regaining his composure] Yeah, you'll get yours later, varmint!
Alice: [To everyone] Don't you just love trains? I love trains, they make me fell, well... [Turns to Jerome] You know what I mean, don't you sexy?
Jerome: [Looking a little flustered] Yes, certainly divine Alice, as we both think along the same scientific paths.
Alice: [Edging a little closer] I'm thinking about chemistry, and biology. [Heavy breathing]
Jerome: [Loosens his collar]
Harvey: [Looks from Alice to Jerome, before momentarily frowning] Ah, a seat! [Harvey sits himself heavily right between Jerome and Alice, before looking at Jerome] Doctor, you look flushed! Private Sleaze, be so good as to open that window, for it's stifling hot in here! [Thinks for a moment] Perhaps there are cold showers on board, doctor! That may be just the thing you need. Loosening your collar won't do much for you! [Turns to Alice and pats her hand, before sitting back, arms folded and eyes closed, a smile playing about his lips]
CDD - Missing post from Austin?
Harvey: [Sneezes violently on Austin] Oh my goodness, do excuse me! What was that bit about [sneezes again]. Oh dear, I must be alergic to your brand of moisturiser, private Sleaze. What was that bit about needing boats to be included?
Clint: [To the party] Do you think they have a snack bar on board? Or maybe a dining room? I've never been on one of these things before. [To the Pearces] At least my wriggly bit is large enough to find. Unlike you redneck possum molesting perverts. Hey, Pearce, you soddomize any orcs lately. It seems the only thing you excel in. [Looks surprised] Wow. Did you hear that? [To Jerome] That sounded good. Write that down. Well Daddy Pearce, what were you planning? A train robbery maybe? Don't try it with Harvey and I on the train. If you try one unlawful act [Whispering] without including me [Normal volume] we will skewer you and feed you to Slim.
Alice : [Pointing to picture on the wall] Look, there's a map of the train there, hmm, it doesn't actually say it is of this train, so maybe it is of another one. Humph! That's a bit silly, isnt it?
Daddy : [To Austin] You touch that window purty boy, you go through it.
Clint: [To Alice] Thanks, Alice. I'm thinking about food. Lots of it. [To Daddy] Daddy-boy, the only person that has a chance of going out that... winder ... as you so hickishly put it, will be you if you touch any of my friends. Now back off before I have to get hostile and kick your redneck adams apple out your Philli damned, tobacco chawing, cousin kissing, redneck ass. [Clint delivers one of his famous chilling stares and grinds his cigar with his molars as he defiantly glares at Daddy] I've got a length of cold steel with your name on it, Daddy, and it could not be pleased more as to drink your warm salty blood and feel the warmth run down its chilled metal edge.
Daddy: You jus' keep watchin' yer ass, boy, or else I is gonna put a cap in it, ya hear me purty boy? [To Pearce] C'mon, son, I can't stand the smell of these sissy city folks no more, we is gonna get ourselves a feed.
[The PEARSES leave the cabin]
Alice: Well, thank philli they've gone! They were really beginning to... Uh, oh. [Points] Isn't that Adam Torque?
[The man she is pointing to does indeed look like ADAM TORQUE, from the Scalies. He is with another man, and is walking toward the party]
Clint: Oh man. I was going to eat. [Looks at the map] Now where else besides the diner can I go? This train has a DISCO!?! What the fu- [Looks at Chastity] heck! I'm going to check that out. Anyone want to join me? [Looks at Alice. Sees Torque] Hey, isn't that one of the guys who tried to kill us? [Walks up to Torque] Hey pal, are you who I think you are?
Harvey: [Eyes remain almost closed, but his hand moves to rest on the pommel of his sword]
Alice; Shriek! A Disco! I love discos! [Reaching past Harvey, and grabbing Jerome's hand] Come on, we've got to go dance!
Adam Torque: Yes, unclean one, it is I. [Sniffs, then waves his hand around to indicate the train] I had to witness this abomonation with my own eyes. [His eyes harden, and he looks menacingly at Clint] Speaking of abomonations, how can such a cowardly group travel openly in public? Running from justice, then calmly re-entering society! Sinfull! Preposterous! Fitting that you should be on this cursed vehicle, that you may end your lives burning in flames - only to begin the afterlife burning in eternal flame.
Clint: [Sputtering] Unclean one? Cowardly? [Calms down. Adresses Harvey] Colonel, I do believe he just called all of us cowards. I would personally thrash him, but seeing as I don't want to get the Saclies, I think I'll follow Jerry and Alice to the disco car.
Harvey: [Snorts derisively and opens his eyes] Just ignore the buffoon, Mister Scar! I do not wish to hear his opinions, for I care not what they are. If, however, the lunatic takes one step closer to me, I'll run him through and not think twice on the matter. [Scratches his chin] Do not lose sight of Alice or the Doctor, Mr Scar. None of us should be alone during this journey. In fact, stick to the both of them like glue. [Gives Torque an icy look, before half closing his eyes once more] Now, let me rest!
Chastity : [To Adam] I normally never talk to people while they are sneering at me, but for you, young man, I'll make an exception. Because of your immoral beliefs, you shall be damned and go to hell, where you'll rot and horrible little animals with razor sharp teeth will eat you alive. [Tries to calm] Colonel, please escort me to the disco where I can keep my eye on your young niece.
Adam: [Sneering at Chastity] Don't try to pretent you are dedicated to your religion, lady. You serve a non-existant god with make believe sins and virtues.
Lenin: There is inequality between men, slavery, hardship and lack of good strong shoes in this world, and yet here I am surrounded by religous zealots, forcing their opressing class-orientated views on all of these poor passengers. As a sign of my protest on behalf of the silent masses, I refuse to talk while such conversations are going on.
Clint: Lenin, shut up. Wow that was easy. Torque, you're lukcy that you are so diseased or I would kick your ass for talking to the good sister like that. He- [Looks at Chastity] ... heck, I would just want any reason to beat you to a pulp. What you attempted was murder. You attempted to murder us! And I will never forgive that. Furthurmore, how dare you insult this lady's religion. I may insult her looks, her age, her name, and everything else, but I would never insult the thing that means the most to her. Her deity. Now, I'm sure that the good sister could probably cure any disease you could give me if I were to beat you senseless, so I would shut up while you are ahead! Chastity, I can accompany you to the disco, if you wish. I would hate to see this vermin [points at Torque] cause you any harm.
Austin: Clint, cease your macho parade. It seems that this carriage is not big enough for your chest and your head together, for it seems that you have left the latter behind. Sit down, and keep your tongue in check. All will be dealt with in good time and in good manner. Adam, I do believe that this time it is our turn to relieve our pressing bladders upon your person yet I would not dare to hold Maplin's younger brother so close and exposed to such a foul fiend as you seem to be. How is that you found us here - or is it that you are now possessed by a different spirit and have followed us here to dog our endless errand?
Darling: [To Harvey] Well, old bean, while the young ones are dashing about on the dancefloor, what's say you and I move to the dining room for a spot of tea? I always find I doze easier with a full stomach, and I've heard that the food here is absolutely delightful.
Lenin: [Stands to follow Darling, but refuses to even look at Chastity or Adam]
Chastity : [To Harvey] I think, having seen the recent events, that love is in the air. However, I also think that I should go along and chaperone young Alice. As nice a couple as they make, it would be wrong of me not to keep their relationship within line of Philli's law. [Raises a finger and wags it in the air] For it is so easy to confuse love with the deadliest of the six deadly sins, lust.
Clint: So you want me to do the bodyguard thing, huh? I can do that. I've done it before. Although it was for a large fee, but this might not be too bad. Besides, Colonel, I'm actually beginning to like most of the party. Well, myself and... well I like to make fun of Darling. Until I have other orders then sir, I am going to the disco car with Alice and Jerry. [Turns to leave the car] You two coming?
Harvey: Eh? [Eyes open suddenly] Must have dropped off for a moment! [Sees Torque and tuts loudly] By the saints, is that fool still here? [Harvey stands and turns to face Sr Chastity] Come, good sister, let us away to this...disco, for already I feel the air in this cabin contains too many floating scalie infected skin cells than is safe.
Adam: [Haughtily] I will not discuss the specifics of my holy mission with heathens. [To his companion] Ziggy, let us away! [Turns dramatically and storms away from the party]
Jerome: Well, now that that issue has reached it's conclusion, perhaps it would be a wise thought for us all to adjourn to the Dining Car, via the Disco of course.
[Exit ALL to the Disco car. There are many people dancing here, in fact no-one is in this car who is not dancing. The most prominent of these dancers is a woman wearing a bright pink and purple leotard, with "Anthea" written on it. The music is a popular song of the time, "Staying Alive" by the Hebegeebee's. JEROME made a quick toilet stop on the way, and is now wearing a white polyester disco suit (Complete with flared trousers and pointy shoes), with a black satin shirt under it.]
Anthea: [Jumping and shaking her way to the party] Come on! Join in on the fun, and shake your funky bits! [Grabs Clint, in an attempt to pull him onto the dance floor] Let's go! Wahoo!
Alice: Gosh! Look at the lights! Look at the dancefloor! Listen to the music!
[ALICE grabs JEROME, and starts to dance (Very well, actually). JEROME follows her to the dancefloor, pulls off his jacket, twirls it around his head and then throws it, where it lands on LENIN'S head. JEROME then continues to dance John Travolta style]
Lenin: [Pulling Jerome's jacket off his head] This is an outrage! Look at everyone here - I see no poor, dejected people! I see no minority groups! This is an elitist party, celebrating the downtroddenness of the downtrodden!
Chastity : [Covering her ears with her hands, and shouts above the loud music] In my day, the music was never so loud! My second husband, George, was a marvellous mover! He could tango like Fred Eclaire. [Moves towards Alice and Jerome] Alice! Move away from the Doctor this instance. Doctor, stop gyrating like that. It's horrid! [Chastity busies herself walking around, separating couples who are dancing too close and too obscenely]
Jerome: [Turns, and gyrates in the other direction]
Alice : [At the top of her, unfeasibly high-pitched singing voice] Ha-ha-ha! Seventy fi-iii-iive, seventy five, seventy five! [Taps Jerome on the shoulder and points at Chastity] Oh Sister, don't be a [draws a little square with her fingers, a la Pulp Fiction.]
Chastity : [Looking flustered] Colonel. I implore that you try and protect your poor mis-guided neice from such evil temptations. Everybody knows that pop dancing is a vertical expression of a horizontal desire. What would her parents say if they knew that you were allowing her to, to, [points at Alice, lost for words]to do that...
Alice : [As the next song starts] Tell you what I want, what I really really want...
Harvey:[Wincing at the music] That must be the worst drivel I've ever heard in my life! Call that music? Gah! I wouldn't liken that to a crocodiles fart! [Harvey walks through the crowd and stands arms folded, not one foot away from Alice and Jerome] Alice, dear girl! Come away this moment before you do yourself a mischief! A young gals body was not made to be put through such gyrations..[Harveys attention is caught by a woman dancing in a see-through black lace g-string and matching undersized bra, dancing the dance of the Cancan] Although...
Jerome: [To Harvey] Come on Harv, get down, man. Just like, go with it - you know?
Anthea: [Dragging Clint across the dancefloor, she swings her hips to bum-butt Harvey] Move it or loose it! [To Clint] Don't you just *LOVE* Disco's? I could dance for hours! [Looks at her watch] In fact, [giggle] I have!
Darling: [Grabbing the woman with see-through black lace g-string and matching undersized bra] I say, how about a bit of a twirl? [Starts to waltz around the dancefloor.]
Lenin: [To Austin] You understand, don't you lawyer? I mean, from an observers point of view, but I'm sure you can see how offensive this scene is - do you know how many working class tribesman have died hunting the leopards for all those leotards? Not to mention the working class children who have spent years of their life constructing the mirror ball out of the combined toe-nails of all of the other working class children. This entire disco is a disgrace, and an outright slap in the face for the political correctness movement, and labour unions.
[Two large neanderthals in suits drag their knuckles toward Austin and Lenin]
Harvey: [Hips start swaying, involuntarily] I don't know, but suddenly I feel like strutting my funky stuff! [Starts shifting from one foot to the other, his finger raised high above his head, pointing towards the glitterball] I just can't seem to stop myself...baby, yeah! Gah, what devil music is this? [Performs a perfect back flip] Shake your booty pretty mama, play that funky music white boy! Man, I've been possessed by the spirit of jive! [Harvey struts like superfly towards Alice and Jerome]
Alice: Way to go Uncle Harvey!
Neanderthal 1: [To Austin and Lenin] I'm sorry sirs, but this is a no-standing disco. I'm afraid you will have to move onto the dancefloor and dance.
Lenin: This is some anti working class scheme isn't it?
Neanderthal 2: [Swinging a little closer to the trees than #1] No talk. You dance. [Points at Austin] You too.
Lenin: This is outragous! I demand to see the manager!
Neanderthal 2 : Dance!
Lenin : Dance? Dance? You expect me to dance and engage in frivolity while the working class are starving?
[NEANDERTHAL 2 cracks his knuckles together.]
Lenin : Well, perhaps a little Cossack dance in commemeration of the Motherland mightn't be out of place. [Dances off across the floor towards the others]
Neanderthal 1 : [To Austin and Chastity] Now, are you ready to dance?
Austin: What perchance were to happen, and I ask this as a hypothetical question, were I to refuse my body in such a rhythm that it would appear to be dancing to this raucous noise. Note that I have little time for such frivolities and am tempted to retire to my cabin. I have some manicuring and polishing that requires doing. However, I do see some excellent beauties about the room and might indeed try my hand at seduction. [Turns to Chastity and adds] Purely for your entertainment of course.
Neanderthal 1 : [Holding up a large jar, about two feet high, one foot wide, it appears to contain the innards of something.] Him last one not to dance.
Jerome: Come along, good sister! Join in the frivolity, and engage in social intercourse with your peers.
Clint: [Actually disco-ing very well] I thought this type of dancing was out of style. [Whispering To Anthea] I can't believe my luck. Just when I thought I was going to have a horrible day, a beautiful woman comes to rescue me from my abrasive, hate-filled thoughts and raises me to a bliss no other woman could ever hope to fulfill. [Touches her lightly on the chin] Where have you been all my life, my seraphic lady? [does that pointing-finger-disco-thing (probably completely spoiling his line)]
Anthea : [Brainless giggle] Oh you! [Turns away and begins dancing with Harvey]
Alice : Jerry's right, Sister, come on! [Suddenly begins to gyrate to the thumping sound of "At the Cart Wash".]
[LENIN has danced across the floor to the other side of the disco, and is about to go out the door.]
Clint: Dammit. [To Jerome] What do women see in Harvey? [Sees Lenin] Hold that thought. [Dances across the floor does a couple of fast backflips (which look more like they belong in a martial arts film than a disco floor) and lands in front of Lenin] Tut tut, Lenin Buckwheat. You aren't supposed to leave our sight. So where do you think you're going, comrade?
Lenin : A lackey of the capitalists is no comrade of mine. However, I will remind you that we were on our way to the dining car, obviously to gorge ourselves on chops, soused pigs heads complete with apples, golden honeyed locusts, jellied eels, thrushes ankles, snakes feet, crispy popadoms, curried brussel sprouts and whatever it is you rich people eat.
[ANTHEA dances over to AUSTIN]
Anthea : [Still dancing] Come on, sulky-puss, I bet a smoothie like you can move as well as you look. [The Locomotion begins booming out] Come on, everyone, let's form a train! Get it? A train? [Beams nauseatingly at Chastity]
Harvey: [Clicks his fingers at Anthea and does a quick little jive] Yo, babe, troubles a brewin' ya hear? [Harvey jives in Buckleys direction, singing along] Carwash! At the Carwash! Ooo Ohh ohhh ohhh ohhh ohhh ohh oh, carwash! [Stands next to Clint, writhing rythmically from hip to hip] I don't think so, Buckley! Take one more step and you'll be lap dancing with Phill, Owwwh! Get down! Hu-hu-hear me!
Lenin : [Looking down his nose at Harvey] Do not threaten me, you undignified oaf. The reason we are passing through this hellish cariacature of capitalist opulence is to get to the dining room, or has your feeble mind lost grasp from the deafening and incessant thump of this tuneless, soulless and mindless trash? Look about at these vacant people - this cursed jungle music has them in a trance!
[ALICE and JEROME dance past at the front of a train]
Chastity : [Seemingly in shock and very annoyed] Have you all forgotten what we are here to do? I will not engage in this terrible, horrible activity you all label 'dancing'. The music is far too loud and I'm getting hungry. We need to strengthen ourselves, not wear ourselves out. I say we dine. [Mouth opens in horror] Colonel! Colonel! It's right hand to left shoulder, then left hand to right shoulder, then hips.
[The Bouncers stand in front of CHASTITY, clearly blocking her way.]
Neanderthal 1 : No dance, no pass.
Jerome: [Following Alice around by the waist] Come on baby, do the Hamstrain-o! Everybody's doing a brand new dance now...
Clint: The comrade part was a joke, Buckwheat. Now why don't you apologize to the good Colonel for your rude behavior before I flatten your nose so close to your skull that your nut sack bursts.
Neanderthal 1: [Looking down at Harvey] Keep dancing. Grab nun and dance with her.
Austin: [Finds his hips moving in slow semi-circles, to the right and then back to the left, in the most erotic fashion. At least that's his impression, but looks like Mr. Bean's standard walk] Why how could one resist such a temptation to dance with one so seductive as yourself, good Madam.
Anthea: [Being spun by Austin] Wahoo! Yeah! Oh, wow, you're a good dancer! [Gushes] You know, that's a really nice arm you have there.
Neanderthal 1: [Dragging his knuckles over to Chastity] I'm sorry, Sister, but you have to dance. Although it would pain me to inflict bodily harm on a nun, I will have to bash your face in if you do not begin to dance.
Jerome: [Pointing behind him] Sister! You are most welcome to move your body in a rhythmic fashion behind Dr Jerome K. Trindle B.Sc. Ph.D. in this Conga line.
Harvey: [Stops dancing suddenly and looks at the bouncer] You sir! I've never heard anything like it in all my life! How dare you threaten a nun, you tree dwelling missing link! If you would like to step outside, I'm sure we can settle this man to gorilla!
Alice : Yeah Sis, we need a big wagon to drag behind our Hamstrain!
Jerome: [Now leading the conga line] Fellow party members, merely attach yourselves to the conga line which Dr Jerome K. Trindle B.Sc. Ph.D. is rhythmically leading, and we shall use this manner to traverse past the overhanging forehead types and into the dining area.
Chastity : [Stands with arms folded in defiance] How dare you speak to a member of Philli's religion in that way. If my third husband, George, were here, he would not allow you to talk in such a rude manner. I insist that I speak to your manager immediately. [Afterthought] And don't be surprised if you lose your jobs.
Neanderthal 1: [Picking up his knuckles for a second] Nun, no more talk. No manager. You dance, dance holy if you want, but DANCE.
Neanderthal 2: It's the rules. Everyone dances 'cept us. We get sore knuckles.
Chastity : I will not dance unless you inform the master of ceremonies to play something less noisy. Tell him or her immediately that I want the Waltz or the Tango, or maybe something like a Blues hymn sing-a-long. [Suddenly points to something behind the bouncers] Ooh, look at that!
Clint: Yeah, it's KoKo! You know, the stripper whose eyebrows grew together. [Trying to sound enthusiastic and jolly (and of course failing miserably)] Neat huh?[The two bouncers turn around enthusiastically, as CHASTITY sneaks passed them.]
Neanderthal 1 : No sneak!
Neanderthal 2 : Bluebottle! [Grabs a passing fly, and stuffs it down his throat, making a disgusting crunching sound, which, considering the size of the insect is unreasonably loud] Mmm.
Anthea : [Bouncing over, and speaking to Chastity] Oh you! Come on, all your friends are dancing, why don't you jolly well join in the fun, because if you can't have fun and laugh at yourself, what can you do?
Donal : [Somberely] You can masturbate.
Anthea : [Shakes her head from side to side] Oh you!
Clint: [To Anthea] Honey, you're a great kid, really... but if your pals, Rikki and Lucy, here [points to the guards] don't lay off a woman of Philli, I will be forced to break their necks into itsey bitsey little bit size pieces for the guests. So give them a break for once and let the nun go. Harvey, you with me if they start something? It's okay if you aren't, but I was just wondering.
Jerome: [Rushing back from the DJ box] Dr Jerome K. Trindle B.Sc. Ph.D. has just requested a new musical recording be played by the disc jockey, "Glory, Glory, Praise Philli for he is Great". Jerome trusts this will solve all our problems.
Austin: [Starts singing] Hallelujah, hallelujah, praise the lawd, for I am a sinnah. Bend over and boogie on down boy. [Starts swinging his hips violently, moving back towards Anthea]
Chastity : [Starts swaying slightly from side to side, clapping her hands occassionally and looking rather sheepish] If I must! Now run along, you big pair of bullies. [To Clint] Thanks for sticking up for me, but we really must try to stay out of trouble, at least until we get to Hallbridges. Is anyone hungry?
Jerome: Yes! Let us continue on toward the dining car, which upon arrival Jerome has been promised sexual intercourse with Alice.
Clint: [Looks embarrassed] Um yeah, whatever, sister. [Whispers to Chastity] Actually, I was thinking um... well... sister Immaculatta wasn't too thrilled with me and I am feeling a little guilty for her death. Um do you think there is an afterlife? I mean do you really believe in it. And if so, um... [Makes sure no one is listening, then whispers even lower] am I going to hell? I am pretty sure Immaculatta thought I will. Oh... one more thing. If there is an afterlife, put in a good word for me.
Harvey: [To Clint] Of course I'll defend the honour of a bride of Philli, Mr Scar. What Colonel of his majestys armed forces would not. [Stomach rumbles thunderously] By the saints, but that boogieing on downing has left me famished beyond belief! Perhaps the good sister would like to acompany me to the dining car? [Turns and smiles humourlessly at Jerome] Ah, good doctor! I trust you refer to verbal intercourse with my niece, do you not? For, if you do not...[his tone becomes slightly threatening] much as I respect you and your damned handy creativity, I'm afraid I'd have to take harsh steps to protect the virtue and purity of my favourite niece, which would upset me greatly, but it is something I am honour bound to do. And I'm sure Sister Chastity would also look on this deed with a cold eye.
[The next song, "Hallelujah", begins. SEAN RYDER begins whining about what a terrible thing religion is, thankfully, no one can understand him, so CHASTITY seems happy enough. The party slowly dance their way through the disco, emerging into the dining car. SLIM PICKINGS is here, arguing with a young man, MICHAEL.]
Slim : Look boy, this thing is a death trap, it will never do that.
Michael : But the doc says we've got to get this thing up to 88 miles per hour, or we'll never get back to the future!
Slim : 88 miles per hour! This isn't a stinking DeLorean, you know! The brakes of this crate aren't enough to stop it when it's going at 10 miles per hour, never mind sixty eight.
Michael : It's eighty eight!
Slim : Exactly!
Michael : Oh no! There's Biff Tannen!
Slim : [Looking at the party] Oh, so you were forced into the farcical dancing again, eh? [Suddenly looks behind them] What are you doing here, you silly bitch?
Anthea : Oh you! [Shakes her head from side to side and laughs] Think happy thoughts, happy thoughts!
Slim : How can I think happy thoughts on this deathtrap?
Chastity : [To Harvey] On the contrary, good Colonel. If they love each so much that they wish to bear the fruit of a child, I believe that marriage is good. Alice comes from good stock [pats Alice on the stomach] and looks like she could have at least seven. Why, perhaps the Captain of this vessel can perform the ceremony.
Harvey: Outrageous sister! Simply outrageous! Sister Immaculata would never even entertain such an idea! [Harvey puts his hand to his head and wobbles precariously] Oh..oh..a seat, find me a seat.
Chastity : Worry not, Colonel, for I am a trained marriage counsellor. I will take Alice aside and make her into a fine and obedient wife. Why, I myself survived three vey excellent marriages. So, if you [to Jerome and Alice] two could fill in these compatibility forms, we'll get started with the initiation. Unless, of course, the Colonel objects, in which case the marriage will not take place and hence you cannot indulge in carnel pleasures outside of marriage which would upset Philli indeed. [Turns to Slim] By the way, do we know who the Captain is? I heard that some rigorous schooling and testing took place. My third husband, George would have been ideal. He had kept several pet hamsters. One of them was fortunate enough to work on this very train, so I think that we are indeed in safe claws. Hee hee hee. [Laughs at her joke]
Harvey: [Sits on the ground, and begins running his hand over his scalp. Only one side of his mouth appears to be working] The horror, the horror! [Pauses and begins reading from his small black notebook] I saw a snail, slide itself along the edge of a straight razor, its entrails dulling the blades sheen. I've looked death in the face and being confronted with my own reflection. [Looks at Clint] Are you my assasin?
Jerome: [To Harvey] Sir, as Alice's closest male relative, may Dr Jerome K. Trindle B.Sc. Ph.D. have your consent to ask her to be my bride. You have Jerome's word as a gentleman, sir, that nothing beyond truth, love and devotion are on this mans mind.
Chastity : Come, come, Colonel. [Chastity wipes a tear from her eye] It always makes me so happy to see a young couple in love. Now! We need to get things organised. Austin! Papers! Slim, inform the Captain that we have urgent need of his services and that he must come at once. Unfortunately, Clint will have to be best man, unless a more [coughs] suitable candidate is found. Colonel, we must act quickly before anything occurs [whispers] out of wedlock.
Alice : [Singing] Ha-ley-lo-yeah. [Stops for a second, and looks incredulously at Jerome] Hand in marriage? I presume you are talking about Harvey's other niece, young Alice Blackhead? Although, Jerry, I think it rather odd that you are intereseted not only in marrying a six year old, but also a one that is not even present on this train!
Slim : [In a good impersonation of Harvey] Gah! Go on, marry her, and shag her brains out!
Alice : Someone said that to me before. Up he came, and said "I'm going to shag your brains out", so I shook my head from side to side like Anthea and said "Too late!"
Slim : Whatever. You're all going to be dead soon, dying in a fiery ball of .... fire!
Clint: [To Slim] Shut up, skinny boy or you won't see it if it happens! [To Harvey] I usually kill for fun, not profit. I am appalled, Colonel. [Looks very serious] I am a professional. [Pauses for a minute] How much were you offering? [To Chastity] Well, can't a woman of Philli marry these two?
Slim : You don't scare me, you irritating bully boy, away from me, and take your bad breath with you! Heed my words, this train is unsafe for us all.
Alice : [Looks from Jerome to Harvey] What on earth is going on here? Snails? Marriage? Assassins? Are we on the mesceyote again?
Jerome: [Gently, to Alice] Dr Jerome K. Trindle B.Sc. Ph.D. is asking for YOUR hand in marriage, divine Alice. What could be more beautiful and romantic than a combining of two such similar scientific hearts and minds? Every fibre in Jerome's body longs to become as one with you, dearest Alice. This has been my desire since first catching sight of you. [To Clint] Jerome would indeed be most honored if you would consider to be the Best Man. [To All] Then Harvey can give Alice away, Chastity, it would honor me if you would perform the ceremony yourself, and Austin can be the legal council.
Alice : [Blushing, and rather flustered] Why, Jerome, I'm flattered! Not to mention surprised- I never really thought about becoming Alice K Trindle BSc PhD, does that mean I'd be a doctor too?
Darling : [Wiping a tear from his eye] Oh this is all too beautiful!
Lenin : Snekov's shroud! I've lost my appetite! As if there weren't enough parasites living off the workers, now you want to join together and produce more!
Alice : [Kissing Jerome on the cheek] Thank you Jerome, that's the best news I've got since Revlon made their anti-smudge lipstick publically available, you know the stuff? You can drink with it, rub clothes over it, go horseriding, sleep soundly at night, cycling and.. hm, maybe I've mixed it up with another sanitary product? But Jerry, Mater and Pater would never forgive me if I didn't let them vet any prospective husband first, I'm sure Uncle Harvey knows all about the Danny Chuikkers-Izzard debacle when he asked me to be his girlfriend, Pater had him flogged, and we were only three! So, Jerry, would you be terribly disappointed if I don't give ou yan answer right now?
Ziggy : Incredible! [Looks at Jerome's pants] Incredible! Is it just her you want, or will any female do? Or male for that matter?
Harvey:[Picks himself up from the ground] Ah, dearest Alice, how well I remember that Chuikkers-Izzard incident. [Shudders] But how delighted I am that you show superb sense in this matter. Your mother and father would be furious! With both you and me, I'll hasten to add. [Pats her hand] Wonderful, I breathe once again. [Harvey takes out a gingham handkerchief and mops his brow, before turning to Slim] You, sir! You seem quite sure that we are all going to die in some horrific crash! If that is so, why are you still on this train, heh? What makes you think we're doomed?
Slim : We are all doomed because of the shoddy worksmanship and penny pinching approach that was used when this vehicle was being constructed. The tender that was rightfully mine was stolen from under me by [spits the name out] Great Western, a liar and a cheat. Look how bad the quality is on the train. [Grabs a piece of carpet and tries to pull it up.] Cheap carpet, cheap tacks, *grunt* [is clearly having trouble with the carpet] damn and blast this confounded train!
Ziggy : He has a point though, the machine is unsafe. See [points at Alice] how she has become flushed, notice his [waves at Jerome's nether regions] pants, his [gestures at Clint] vacant look. I tell you, humans were never meant to travel at this speed, our bodies are travelling faster than our brains can work, leading to all manner of bizarre behaviour.
Harvey: [Looking at Ziggy] In your case sir, that speed would be one mile a day! Now be off, and take your foul visage with you! [Holds his hand to his ear] I'm sure I hear your master dog-whistle for your return! [Turns to the party] Now, let's journey to the buffet car, for this music is starting to grate on my already shattered nerves.
[Exit SLIM PICKINGS.]
Alice : Come on, let's get out of this draughty corridor and get some food.
Ziggy : I think I will follow, just to observe.
Anthea : Oh Ziggy, can I have a word?
Ziggy : Eskimo.
Anthea : No, can I speak to you about something? [Turns back to the Neanderthals standing behind her] Go back in, shoo! I'll come in to the disco in a while.
[Exit ALL, except ANTHEA and ZIGGY.]
[Act 7, Scene 2. The Dining Car. Thursday 12.30. ALICE, HARVEY, CHASTITY, LENIN, DARLING, AUSTIN and CLINT are here. There are several other people in the dining car, eating, including the PEARSES]
Daddy : God damn it, there's a smell in this here cabin bad enough to floor a horse!
Pearse : Come on, Daddy-boy, let's git. Let's shake it and go back to our cabin.
[The PEARSES have left the cabin. The table has two women sitting at it, one is very well dressed and the other has a karate suit on.]
Sophia : Oh, what a simply ghastly pair of people. [To the party] Please sit with us before they return.
Bruce : Them lucky I no use the Finger Of Death. [Waves a finger in front of her for a few seconds, before screaming] Aaaiiiiiiieeeeeeeeee! [Stabs her steak with her finger.]
Sophia : I am Sophia Sogood, you've surely heard of me. This is er...
Bruce : [Standing up and bowing to the party.] Bruce Teng-Fu Wong, very pleased to meet honourable party.
Alice : Shall we sit, I'm so hungry I could eat a hearse.
Darling : Don't you mean a horse?
Alice : That's what I said, a hearse.
Darling : Hmm.
Harvey: [Bows deeply to the two women] It would be both an honour, and a pleasure to sit with such fine ladies. I thank you madam. [Seats himself down] I am Colonel Harvey Kingston Short, Kings own fusillers, now retired. [Wrinkles his brow] But, excuse my ignorance, Ms Sogood, I'm afraid your name is not known to me, and surely I would remember such an exquisite beauty had we met previously! [Looks at Alice] Please, dear niece, sit. And then we can order you a hearse.
Alice : Don't you mean a horse?
Harvey: That's what I said, a hearse. Come now, sit yourself down.
Alice : Hmm.
[The party sit down.]
Sophia : [Rather annoyed that Harvey didn't recognise her] I am Sophia Sogood, of the Kings Reach Sogoods.
Clint: [Wipes off the seat where Daddy was sitting with a napkin from someone else's table and sits down] I'm hunrgy as well. Hmmm. [Looks at the menu] I'll have one of... hmm... the menu is in French. [Turns the menu sideways] Ooops. [Looks embarrassed] It was just upside down. I'll have a steak. A big fat juicey steak. I'm sure I can get one with a lot of fat and grissle. You know the way steaks should be. [Smiles] I hate those wussy lean steaks that are so tender. It doesn't seem like much of a challenge to me.
Waiter : [Sniff] Certainly sir, would you like to kill it yourself?
[Across the aisle, where CLINT has thrown the borrowed, and now soiled napkin, DONAL has just received a blow from it to the face. He angrily pulls it off, stands up and waves his arms around for a few seconds. Seeing everyone watching him, he sits down, embarrased.]
Alice : [Sitting down] Well, I think I'll have some snake, well done waiter.
Waiter : Thank you very much, praise from such a connoiseuse is praise indeed.
Darling : [Squealing with delight over the menu] Oh! I don't know if I should have the live, sword wielding Platypus complete with bats blood and sheep entrails, or the Star Fruit with raisins.
Waiter : May I suggest Sir would be happier with a fruit?
Chastity : [Makes great pains to read everything on the menu] Okay. I'll start with the prawn cocktail, and can you ensure that the lettuce is fresh. And no tomatoes. Instead, I'd like extra lettuce. For the entree, I'd like the swordfish cooked well-done with the vegetable platter. Only no sweetcorn in the vegetable, and I'd like extra peas, if the peas are processed, that is. I can't stand garden peas. And can you make sure the gravy is proper gravy from beef stock, not just that packet stuff. If I can't have processed peas, then give me more carrots. I like the carrots well-cooked, but not the cabbage or sprouts which I like crispy. That way, inform your chef of this, all the goodness and vitamins are left the way Philli intended. With it, I'll have a baked potato with "You're Kidding, It's Got To Be Butter", not butter, as I'm trying to contain my weight. I like the potato to be cut into a cross, and then slightly squeezed, with clean hands, from the bottom. [Inspects the cutlery] And can I have a clean fork please. I will let one of these gentlemen choose the wine for us all. Colonel, Doctor? [To the waiter] Merci bewcow!
Waiter : [Making a face as though Chastity's order causes him pain.] Certainly madam, your order is as insightful as it is imaginative, I shall be sure to inform Chef Le Blanc of your desires. [Writes in his pad, clearly visible to all, "The usual nun order."] Clean fork? Certainly, madam. [Reaches over and grabs Donal's fork, which he was just about to pick up, and swaps it with Chastity's.]
Jerome: Dr Jerome K. Trindle. B.Sc. Ph.D. believes the meal required to satisfy his hunger would be in the nature of a delicate Chicken soup, served at 87 degrees celcius as an entree. The Chicken and Camembert would suffice for Jerome's main course, with the Plum sauce. For desert, Dr Jerome K. Trindle B.Sc. Ph.D. would like a rich chocolate gateau, for which Jerome will supply the nutritional suppliment. [Pulls out a small vial containing what appears to be hundreds and thousands.]
Harvey: [Perusing the menu intently] Ah, garcon. I'll start with the soup, move onto the peppered steak and finish with [pausing to stick a slice of brown soda bread into his mouth] something creamy and delicious from the sweet trolley. And more bread here please. Oh, and can I have a portion of chips, oh, and some creamy potatoes and a jug of cool icy water. [To Clint] And you can forget about the whiskey, Mr Scar. We need to be in full control of our faculties, something which I imagine would be impossible with a pint of that evil brew sloshing around inside your belly. [Swallows the bread, and looks closely at Bruce] Have you both eaten? Madam Sogood, Hilda? Or would you care to join us in our frugal repast? [Sits back] Sister Chastity, I'm sure...Bruce here [gestures at Bruce] could have given you a fork. A silver fork. Or a silver knife. In fact, I'm quite sure...Bruce...could furnish you with many a silver item, all bearing the crest of the Short family. [Looks directly at Bruce] Is that not so, Ms Pickles.
Sophia : Thank you, kind sir. We are just on our main course, so we would be more than delighted to join you and take you up on your kind offer to pay for our meal.
Bruce : Who is Hilda? [Bangs the pronged end of her fork, causing it to fly into the air before catching it and swinging it around viciously, making that strange "wough" sound as heard in Kung Fu films. Eventually she stops.] Confucious say, "Man using two forks lose his sharpness."
Harvey: [Coughs suddenly] Um, pay...eh? Yes, of course, pay for your meal. I..ah..hmmm. Certainly we'll pay for your meal, Madam Sogood, but I'm afraid our holiday budget does not stretch as far as paying for your companion. Nor do I feel inclined to pay for your companion, as we have previously met. But under a different guise, and in less salubrious circumstance I might add. Is that not so, Ms Hilda Pickles? You can stop all this whoah, whoah, heiiiiiiihe nonsense, as your goose is cooked and your ruse is roasted! Come, come, girl, you know that I know who you are, and I know that you know who I am, and knowing, as I know that you know that I know, we both know we are in the know, don't you know, no?
Bruce : You dishonour me sir. You are mistaken to dishonour one who may today save your life. Confucious say, "Only a fool kills the messenger before hearing his news."
Austin: [Sits himself down at the table with Donal and peers intently at him] I never got my medium-rare cheeseburger with fries and good old goddamn milkshake on the side. [Picks up a stray pea that is lying on the table, is about to put it in his mouth, then thinks better of it. He bounces it off Donal's forehead].
[The pea flies across the aisle and strikes DONAL square in the forehead, rebounding straight up. He turns to AUSTIN, furious, and opens his mouth to speak.]
Donal : You bastard! I've thrown out all- [Gulp. The pea comes back down and falls into his throat, he begins choking on it.]
Alice : Calm down Aussie, the waiter hasn't brought our food, tsk, [looks over at Donal in an annoyed fashion, as he is now trashing around the floor, making all kinds of amusing motions with his arms and legs] I'm sure he will bring you want you wanted soon.
Sophia : Er, Bruce? Did you say you had some news for the Colonel?
Bruce : Yes.
Harvey: [Watches Donal writhing on the ground for a moment, before turning to Bruce, eyebrows raised] A message you say? Pray continue, you have my full attention.
Bruce : Hooooooooooooooowha! Confucious, he say, "Man who places eggs in one basket is most likely a farmer".
[DONAL grabs the tablecloth from the table opposite, in a desperate attempt to save himself, but only succeeds in dragging the whole thing down on top of him, including the boiling hot soup and the Swordfish which nails his hand to the floor. Several of the diners make the displeasure at his behaviour know, with calls of "Poor show," "I say," and the like.]
Harvey: [Looking in disbelief, shouts to make himself heard above the smashing of plates and catcalls from the displeased diners] That's it? That's your important message? What is this silliness...[picks up the bowl containing Bombay Mix from the table and throws it at Donal]..Gah! by the saints! Keep that rucus down, would you! [Clears his throat] As I was saying, what is this egg and basket nonsense! And who is this Confusion lunatic. He lives up to his name, I'll give you that much!
[Shaking some bombay mix from his hair, DONAL, still choking, puts his hand on the table and begins dragging the tablecloth towards him.]
Bruce : Hiya! [Stabs his hand with the fork, making him let go.] The honourable Colonel misunderstands, for there is sabotage afoot.
Alice : Sabotage Afoot? Is that one of those funny French things?
Darling : Which French things?
Alice : With the strange smell, you know, they can kill sheep, and are very loud.
Darling : Ah, you mean French people!
Harvey: Don't be silly, it's a type of shoe, worn by strange men on bicycles, wearing stripy jumpers, berets and a necklace made of onions. Have you never seen of a pair of Sabotage'Afeet? [Looks at Bruce] No thanks, I'm fine for shoes at the moment. [Thinks a moment] Ah, you mean treachery, skullduggery, that sort of thing. Well, we've encountered no problems, sofar sogood.
Sophia : [Surprised] Oh, that's interesting.
Donal : *choke*, *gurgle*
Bruce : [Dramatically] Sofar, maybe. But there is someone on this train who -
[The carriage is lit up by an untimely flash of lightening.]
Bruce : [Continuing, irritated] who doesn't want the train to reach it's destination.
Donal : Chk, p, chk, pls.
Ziggy : Oh, get out of my way, you irritating man. [Pauses to pick a chickpea noodle out of Donal's hair.] Mm, tasty. [Sees the empty seat at the table and sits.] Hope you don't mind me sitting here.
Sophia : Not at all, Doctor, we are only too delighted.
Bruce : Bruce will not sit with horse doctor. [Gets up and leaves.]
Clint: [To Donal] Don't worry, pal. I know the hemlock maneuver. [Clint wraps his arms around Donal from the back, brings his hands together under Donal's sturnum and thrusts his hands into Donal a couple times trying to dislodge the food] Don't worry, when I did this before, I only broke seven of the person's ribs. That's a big improvement from the time before that. [To the party] Now watch this facinating way to help a choking person. Notice how the eyes bug out and how the bones make a very unnatural sound. This is completely normal, to my knowledge.
Alice : Oh I've seen this before, it just needs one big jerk. Hm, I think Clint is just perfect for it.
[CLINT jerks DONAL roughly, and suddenly the pea shoots across the room, ricocheting off windows, tables and trays before finally landing on the table beside AUSTIN, in exactly the same position it was before he picked it up.]
Austin : [Picking up the pea with his napkin] Ye Gods! Why do you put such temptation my way! No, that would be too cruel. [Drops the pea on the floor.]
Donal : [Standing up, pulling the Swordfish out of his hand.] Yeah well, it's okay for you, you were taught the heimlich maneuver, I'd be just as good if I knew it. [Walks away, but suddenly slips on a carelessly discarded pea, which sends him sliding out the opposite door of the dining car, towards the kitchen.]
Ziggy : Hmm, curious. But not as curious as that silly woman Anthea.
Clint: Hey Doc, what causes people to get violent often? I think I have that problem. Well, I don't consider it a problem, actually. More of a stress reliever. [Making a typical Al Bundy "air hooters" grab] And he didn't have near the chest. [To Sophia] So Ms. Sogood, why did you decide to travel by train?
Jerome: [To no-one in particular] Dr Jerome K. Trindle B.Sc. Ph.D. was promised sexual intercourse in this very car. [Looks around] Perhaps if he were to move to a different location and position, the promised act would come to pass.
Harvey: [Suddenly thumps the table violently] Good God sir! How dare you! I am disgusted at your behaviour, doctor. And disappointed! I thought you a man of better things, not a dog in heat trying to score your hole with the first underage child you come across! I am here to protect my nieces virtue, and by Philli, I'll do it by any cost. [Harvey looks in disgust at Jerome]
Sophia : [To Clint] Why, I am travelling to Hallbridges, of course. Since the Dark descended it simply isn't safe for a young lady to travel the highways and byways on her own.
Alice : Tell me, Dr. Ziggy, can you explain what is wrong with Jerome?
Ziggy : Not without a thorough examination, but I would hazard a guess that he is suffering from a mild form of Zigazigars Syndrome.
Alice : Crikey! Is it contagious?
Ziggy : No, it is brought about by the obscene speeds that the Hamstrain is travelling at. His brain can't keep up with the speed of the train.
Alice : [Angrily] Don't shroud it in medical terms, give it to us in plain English!
Ziggy : The excessive g-forces created by the unnatural acceleration of the locomotive device cause the frontal, temporal and parietal lobes to exert pressure on the occipital lobe, thereby forcing the pituitary gland to fuse with the pons Varoli, which, as we all know, causes inflammation of the dienephalon, and voila, the patient is overcome with overdoses of, depending on gender of course, testosterone or estrogen.
Alice : Well why didn't you just say so?
Ziggy : It doesn't explain the bizarre behaviour of Anthea though, she asked me for a full analysis and sent everyone else away, but before I even had a chance to ask her to take off her clothes, she changed her mind!
Jerome: [Rubbing his chin, and speaking to Ziggy] Your diagnosis could indeed be fact, Zig - it does not bother you to be named so, Jerome trusts? Good. Had you, however, considered that possibly Dr Jerome K. Trindle B.Sc. Ph.D.'s current mental condition could derive from the constant sensory barrage from within this Dining Car? After making extensive research into the ways sight, Dr Jerome K. Trindle. B.Sc. Ph.D. concluded that sound and smell can combine to produce bizarre effects on the electrical currents through the brain. These variations in the electrical conductivity in specific regions of the brain, namely the frontal, verebrial and attitudal lobes, has been known to reduce successful thought patterns from participating in these areas, and instead direct their energy toward their closest neighbours - the aresehola, sexistual, and wankerial lobes. In fact, the Dr Jerome K. Trindle B.Sc. Ph.D. Sensory Brainwave Altering Helmet had some success in forcing such conditions.
Clint: Nah, Jerry. I think you're just in one of those horny moods of yours. Calm down Harvey. He's just like any other man. He's thinking with his pecker, again. So... Ms. Sogood, would you care for a little walk after we dine to help the food digest? [Whispers to Ziggy] When should we start experiencing the sexual influences of the speed?
Ziggy : Brainwave Altering Helmet? Condom, you mean? [To Clint] Any second now, if not already.
[There are sounds of a scuffle from the kitchen, followed by a scream. Glancing out the window, the party can see DONAL flying passed, having been thrown off the train. He catches onto the window ledge with his finger tips, barely hanging on for dear life.]
Austin : Confounded draught! [Shuts the window on Donal's fingers.]
Donal : [Letting go] Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!
Sophia : Now that the irritating one is gone, what do you think of Bruce's tale of sabotage? Could it be true? [Turns to Clint] Hmm, you look familiar, sir, are you a property tycoon, perchance?
Jerome: [Haughtily to Ziggy] If by "Condom" you are refering to the Dr Jerome K. Trindle B.Sc. Ph.D. Male Fertility Neutraliser, Jerome believes you are greatly mistaken. Perhaps it is you, sir, who is thinking with the smaller head.
Ziggy : [Even more haughtily] At least sir, my mind isn't overcome with the desire to stick the smaller head into something!
Sophia : Good grief! What are they talking about?
Jerome: [Mind-numbingly Haughtily (with a capital "H")] Perhaps this is due to your lack of ability in this area? Your smaller head has become so accustomed to it's flaccid existence. [To Sophia] Nothing any more, dear lady. Our conversation is finished.
Ziggy : [Stands up angrily] You'll be sorry, you quack! [Notices the rest of the people in the dining car watching him.] You'll all be sorry, do you hear me? [Storms out.]
Sophia : Well, what an angry man. Maybe he's the one who is going to sabotage the train?
Jerome: [Sarcastally] It must be the speed of the train.
Harvey: [Mouth opens and closes a few times, before finally speaking] Doctor Jerome, what has come over you! You seem reduced to the level of a jealous, bitter, spiteful, snappy, bitchy, self pompous, arrogant, snivelling shadow of your old self! Perhaps there is something in what that old lunatic says after all! Small flacid head indeed! Quite shocking, and quite frankly, I'll not be giving my dear nieces parents, your hopeful one day parents in law, a glowing report of your conduct! Quite shocking! And where's our food!
Jerome: [To Harvey] Sir, Jerome found Ziggy offensive. Jerome offered threat and ridicule, to which the coward ran. It is an age old challenge, which Ziggy refused. That is all there is to this matter.
[Enter the WAITER.]
Waiter : Apologies for the delay, sir, but what with the dramatics at the table and throwing that man off the train, we were somewhat busy. However, here are your meals. [Distributes the food.]
Harvey: [Gasps] Waiter, there's a fly in my soup.
Waiter : Kindly keep your voice down sir, or they'll all want one!
Chastity : [Stares at her Prawn Cocktail] Oh dear! Waiter! I just remembered that I don't like prawns. [To Jerome] Doctor, I too find your behaviour incredulous. At first I believed your intentions to be honourable. But now I see that you are no better than a sex-depraved man. And as for taking speed...well, no wonder your head is messed up. You know what drugs do!
Waiter : That's okay sister, they're not prawns, merely large flies.
Alice : [Touching Jerome's forehead] Leave him alone, can't you see he is ill? Maybe it is from the tablets he's been taking, or maybe Dr. Ziggy is right, but we should be trying to heal him.
[Enter GREAT WESTERN.]
Great : Howdy all! Hope y'all are havin' a dang fine trip!
Sophia : [Gushing] Simply delightful, Mr. Western, simply delightful.
Great : Aw, now, y'all are gonna have to call me Great, we don't stand on cermony here. [Looks around at all the bombay mix, swordfish, cutlery and crockery on the floor.] God DANG it! Look at the state of this place, there's stuff been thrown on the floor quicker than fly can spit!
Sophia : [Whispering to the party as Great calls over the waiter] Perhaps we should tell him what Bruce said about the sabotage?
Clint: [Whispering to Sophia] Maybe. You were saying something earlier about a racoon? I wouldn't know what you were talking about. Filthy little creatures. I do own some real estate, though. Why do you ask? Would you interested in negotioating some property somewhere [Looks at the party] less crowded?
[Enter the WAITER, who begins to clean up the mess.]
Sophia : [Looks down her nose at Clint] Racoon? I'm sure I don't know *what* you are talking about. [Theatrically puts her hand to her head] Oh, I'm just so confused since my home was destroyed and I narrowly escaped with my life.
[The WAITER rolls his eyes, and sighs wearily.]
Clint: [Trying his very best to sound caring... yet failing miserably] Well I'm very good at listening. Why don't we go for a walk and you can tell me all about it.
Sophia : Well, you don't really look like a property tycoon.
Lenin : [As though snapping out of a reverie] Go on, Scar. Tell her you own Waterdeep. Her kind only want one thing, your kind only want one thing. I'm sure it would appeal to capitalist swine such as yourselves to form some kind of business deal.
Darling : [Just finishing his dinner] Mm-mm. Delish. Just delish. Now, what's this about sabotaging the train and us all dying in a fiery wreck, eh? Waiter, I'll have loads of ice cream please!
Waiter : Just as soon as I'm finished clearing this mess, I'll find something... suitable.
Clint: Well you didn't have to tell her that, Lenin. I try to keep my business ventures a secret. I always try to make sure that a woman wants my heart and not my property. [Smiles at Sophia] My heart is on the market as well as my land, you know.
Waiter : Excuse me one second. [Vomits all over the floor.]
Sophia : [Eyes light up] Land? I'm not looking to buy any land, you silly man, but I'm always interested in people telling all about their exciting deals.
Harvey : Gah! I think that Ziggy may have been correct after all. Has the whole train gone sex mad?! [Suddenly smiles] Well, hello there...[Gazes across the aisle to the next table, where there sits a gorgeous, luscious, sweet smelling creme brulee. Snaps back to reality.] Okay troop, what do we know about this alleged sabotage?
Chastity : [Chastity has hardly touched her food] Waiter. I've finished. Now perhaps you could be so kind as to bring over the sweet trolley. [Whispers to the rest of the group just loud enough for the waiter to hear] Perhaps I'll find some tasteful food there! [To Great] Now. We have reason to believe that this train is in danger. There are rumours floating about that someone or [with a dramatic tone] something will sabotage the journey. I know that the Doctor has inspected the train, so I feel quite safe. If anything does go wrong, the Doctor's reputation will be left in tatters. [To Alice] I'm really not one for rumours, but one can't be too careful. I, however am of the opinion that this train is unsinkable.
Jerome: [To Chastity] While Jerome is grateful for your support, it must be pointed out that only a quick examination was made on this vehicle, and that it is not Jerome's area of expertise.
Clint: In other words, sister, he don't know sh-... um he doesn't know a thing about this train.
Jerome: Actually, Jerome has learned many things about this train, but there were many things unknown to Jerome before the examination, and therefore logic dictates that there could be yet more that is unknown. [Holds up his hand] Dr Jerome K. Trindle B.Sc. Ph.D. still believes that, [whispers] short of sabotage [raises his voice again] this train is technically sound.
Great : [Loudly] Sabotage! [Causes all the other passengers to look around] Good God gull, there ain't no stinking sabotage on this here train!
Alice : Of course there's not, we're miles from France.
Harvey : But what if, Mr. Western. What if the Hamstrain ends up in a fiery ball?
Great : Why, y'all needn't worry, this here insurance form insures the train for a million gold pieces.
Austin: [Stands up with his arm outstretched towards the form] Great, great. Would you be so kind as to let me peruse that form and determine if it is indeed a fully comprehensive insurance policy and what loopholes may exist. I'm sure that third party coverage is included, yet I'm not sure if the Queens View party would be reduced to third place. In my estimation it is the FIRST party.
Great : [Hands the policy over to Austin] Sure boy, y'all are more than welcome to lookit.
Chastity : [To Great] Mister Western, let's hypothosise for one moment. If one was to sabotage a train, how would one go about it? Are there any obvious weaknesses? Have you received any threatening letters? Are you suspicious of anyone wanting to ruin this great leap forward in technology? Were the hamsters all vetted? If you're here, [panics] whose driving the train?
Austin: [Scans carefully over the insurance form, going 'hmm' and 'aha' every now again. Often enough to be annoying, but also enough to assure everyone that he understands it] Great, this is indeed a well written contract. You seem to stand to make a good profit were a tragic misfortune to befall this train. And my impression is that you are the sole beneficiary. I do not doubt, however, that you have the best of intentions. [Turns and whispers to the others, so Great can't hear] I would however, urge us to stick close by this Great, as were something to happen then he would be the first to know about it. Any suspicious actions on his part, will only confirm my belief that if sabotage is to occur, he would be behind it. Perhaps, we should speak to Slim Pickings and determine what he has to say about the topic.
Great : [Taking back the policy] Thank you boy, ah made sure ah had the bestest lawyers in the east write it up for me. [Turns to Chastity] Don't you worry you purty little head about it, lady, you don't understand these things, for the Hamstrain isn't driven by me, no sirree, it is driven by, uh, the um.
Waiter : The Hamstrain Driver, sir?
Great : That's the one! Anyway, gotta be goin'.
[Exit GREAT WESTERN.]
Sophia : [Leans over to Austin] Just how much is he insured for?
Austin: [Leans over to Sophia, so that their noses are almost touching, and breathing heavily says] For twice the worth of the sum total of the train and tracks. One million gold pieces... He stands to make a killing. Erm, wrong word - a pleasant sum.
Sophia : [Leaning even closer as Austin speaks, so their noses are actually touching when he mentions the magic figure] A million gold pieces! [Her eyes light up strangely] And you say that's twice the cost of the tracks and train?
Alice : Shriek! The train and tracks cost 450,000 GP!?
Sophia : [Sitting back, not noticing the smudge of make up she left on Austin's tip.] Where on earth did Great Western get the money to pay for it? He must have robbed a bank.
Clint: You are very interested in cash flow, aren't you? What was your occupation in Queen's View again? A banker maybe?
Sophia : Certainly not. I had no "occupation". Daddy made sure that I was always well looked after by the trust fund, but since Kings Reach was destroyed, my trust fund went with it. So now I am penniless, destitute, all my friends and family are dead! Oh, woe! [Theatrically puts her hand to her head.]
[A silence descends on the table, interrupted only by the noise of HARVEY slurping his soup and crunching his fly.]
Harvey : [Beaming] Mm-mm! Gorgeous!
Clint: Gee, I understand. It must have been tough losing all that money- um... er... family.
Sophia : Oh it was, a tragedy. A terrible thing. [Pauses] And yes, losing my family was hard too.
Darling : But what about this Sabotage? Who is likely to Sabotage the train?
Sophia : I would suspect that horrid Slim Pickings.
Jerome: [Nodding] Yes, a fine idea from a fine lady. Great, are you able to provide Dr Jeorme K. Trindle B.Sc. Ph.D. with a full schematic of this locomotive vehicle? Then Jerome can attempt to discover the nature of any inherant weakness, which could be exploited by sabatours?
Clint: [To Sophia] I understand. It must have been horrible. [To Darling] I think it is the Pearses. They are probably going to try to rob it. [To the party] They are bandits, remember? Or do you not remember the river where they aimed their filthy crossbows at us?
Jerome: Well, that is a point worth contending - Jerome examined the bolts they fired and can assure you, Mr Scar, that they were scrupulously maintained. Jerome believes that Slim Pickings is a bit like a butler - the obvious choice. Great Western is the most likely candidate in Jerome's opinion.
Clint: Whoa, wait a minute, Jerr. I don't think you should jump to conclusions. Great seems... um... well... great. I don't think he would kill his passengers and himself for a million gold dragons he'll never spend because he'll be dead! I don't think Great would be on a train he wants to blow up. It just doesn't seem practical. And you're wrong you weapon amateur. As a weapons specialist, I could tell those bolts were from shoddy craftsmanship. The materials used for the bolts were horrible. They had balsawood shafts, Jerry! I'm suprised they held together at all.
Jerome: The point Dr Jerome K. Trindle B.Sc. Ph.D. was attempting to make regarding the bolts was that they were not, in fact, filthy. They were quite clean - no infections if you get hit by one of them! But, onto Great, Jerome concurs with Mr Scar's judgement of Great Western's lack of desire to be spread throughout the countryside as fertilizer if this vehicle is to be ripped apart by flame and debris. Therefore, perhaps we should keep a close eye on our host to make sure he does not depart the vehicle. [To Austin] But, surely Great would be held liable for all the passenger deaths, which would easily consume any profit he may make from destroying the train? Was there anything in the insurance contract that stated payment of bereavement, etc?
Harvey : Shoddy or not, Clint, they did the job. It's like my old batman, Ufafu used to say, a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush.
Alice : Does that have even the slighest bearing on the current conversation?
Harvey : No, but I always liked the phrase.
Alice : I think Jerry's got a point, if GW is going to do the dirty on the Hamstrain, how is he going to get off? [Notices the bright look in Sophia's eyes] Off the train, I mean.
Jerome: Perhaps an espionage mission designed to discover the disembarking method Great Western intends to use would be in order? If the party were to split up, we could cover more ground at a more rapid rate, therefore increasing our chances of success in this area.
Darling : Preposterous notion, preposterous. If the party was to split up and something happens, we might never get back together. I suggest that if we are to look around, we do so together.
Jerome: [Bowing slightly] It may be as you say, Darling. Dr Jerome K. Trindle B.Sc. Ph.D. will defer to your wisdom on this matter. [Standing up from the table, nearly spilling everyone's dinner] May Jerome suggest that we begin our dabble into espionage now? We must strike the iron while Great Western is hot.
Alice : Great Western is hot?
[Enter ANTHEA, covered in soot.]
Anthea : I'll say he's hot! There's a fire on the train, in one of the carriages!
Jerome: [Looking around the party] It has become imperitive that direct and decisive action be taken. The search for the elusive way off this train must begin. We only have a short time, before the search for a pleasant burial ground will be underway. [Walks toward the door Great Western left through]
Clint: [Catches Jerome by the shoulder] Wait a minute there, slick. Don't you think we should try to save the other passengers? Jerry, do you have any type of fire retardent materials we could use to smother the flame or maybe a Scar/Trindle hydrocannon.
Chastity : [Looks in a panic] Quickly, we must stop this train and abandon ship. [Pulls a cord next to a sign saying 'In case of emergency, pull this cord. 50 G.P fine for improper use']
Alice : Yay! Cunning plan, Chas. I always wanted to see someone do that.
[CHASTITY pulls down hard on the cord, and a look of horror appears on her face as nothing happens. ]
Waiter : Let me do it, you are obviously doing it wrong. [Pushes her out of the way and pulls down. Nothing happens.] Oh my God! The emergency break has failed!
Clint: Aww shit! [Braces himself]
Jerome: [Pacing, then talks to the waiter] Are there any other emergency measures to be taken in the event of requiring the disembarkation of passengers in an urgent manner? Are there any other ways off this train that you are aware of?
Waiter : Only the life boats. Wait, that was the ship I was just on, we're all going to die! We'll either crash or burn!
Jerome: Calm yourself! That is a completely preposterous suggestion, and one which Dr Jerome K. Trindle B.Sc. Ph.D. can assure you that all current scientific information denounes as false! Obviously, at this speed we will both crash and burn.
Clint: Thanks, Jerr. That's nice to know. Well Mr. Science, is there any safe ways off this trian?
Jerome: [Looking around the room] We could combine many tablecloths together into a replica of the Dr Jerome K. Trindle B.Sc. Ph.D. Mechanical Featherfall, then tie that to the back of the train. This would cause a large wind resistance, and slow the vehicle down. Or, we could make many smaller Mechanical Featherfall's and all jump from the train.
Alice : Crikey Jerome! That might be good if we were five miles up, but we're not, if we jump out we haven't a chance. [Thinks] Of course, if we stay here, we also don't have a chance. Doh!
Darling : Well let's not just stand here, surely we should put out the fire!
Clint: Good idea. How?
Jerome: Perhaps it would be best to generate a system, and follow it through step by step until we reach it's conclusion. Anthea, upon which carriage doth the fire blaze unabated?
Chastity : [Still hopelessly pulling at the cord] Why don't we see how the carriages are connected? We might be able to separate our carriage from those that are burning. Then, we can drift to safety. I mean, there's no way of stopping those hamsters, have you ever seen them when they get on them wheels? [Starts praying to Philli for heavy rain]
Clint: Are you sure you're pulling hard enough? [Grabs the cord and pulls it off] Damn, they just don't make 'em like they used to! I guess you were right, sister. Come on Harvey, it looks like we need to do some heroics and get the people off this train or put out the fire. Let's see if we can put out the fire.
Waiter : Yes, each carriage has its own water supply with hoses and all that kind of thing - the fire is in the last carriage.
[Exit ALL, to the second last carriage. ANTHEA is here, looking anxiously at the black smoke coming out of the last carriage.]
Anthea : Great is in there, he went in to stop the fire, gosh, he's so brave!
Jerome: Dr Jerome K. Trindle B.Sc. Ph.D. believes that if one were to attempt a high velocity disembarking of a vehicle such as this, the only feasible place to do so would be from the rear. We must follow Great. [To Anthea] Has anyone made use of the fire fighting facilities in the last carriage? [Jerome locates the hose in the second to last carriage, and sprays the water liberally around the rear end of the carriage, including all the characters and himself] This water should serve to protect us from the flames, and aid in preventing the fire from spreading. [Tugs on the hose]
[The hose is just long enough, but there is black smoke literally pouring out of the carriage, there is also a strange kind of grinding of metal coming from there.]
Alice : [Rather jealously] Nice hat, Jerome.
Clint: Yeah Jerr, pretty spiffy. [Tears off a strip of cloth from his wet shirt and places it over his mouth to breathe through. Looks at the party] I saw this in a play once. I wonder if it works. [Tries to get into the burning carriage, while trying to avoid the flames] Jerry, keep that thing on me a little too, all right!?!
Jerome: [Tipping his hat] Ma'am. [Turns to Anthea] Would you be so kind as to summon for our consultation an engineer of this vehicle? Questions must be asked. Unless you're able to help - like whether there is any reason we cannot simply release the last carriage and continue on our merry way?
Harvey: But what about Great Western! We can't just leave him to die in there! No sir, I'll not hear another word! We cannot release that carriage until Western is safe! And take off that ridiculous hat, Doctor, you're making us all look very amatuerish indeed!
Jerome: [Very much keeping the hat on] Dr Jerome K. Trindle B.Sc. Ph.D. was merely attempting to ascertain the possibility of an emergency last minute procedure. Jump not to hasty conclusions, Colonel. [Frowns] What is it that is burning to give off such a strong black smoke? [Sniffs, then looks around] Does anyone smell anything recognisable?
Chastity : [Covering her mouth with her hankerchief - therefore with a muffled voice] That smell reminds me of when Thomas, my youngest from my third marriage decided to see how fire resistant hamster fur is to fire. Poor little Squeak, never stood a chance. Whoever has sabotaged us has used a burning hamster to ignite the last carriage, obviously using the tail as a fuse and then throwing it in there. I hope it's not Bubbles, the only survivor of Tommy's little experiment. Poor Bubbles worked so hard to get this job.
Anthea : [Standing beside Harvey] You tell him! Great is in there, we can't leave him to die!
Clint: [Grabs the hose away from Jerome] I'm gonna try something, and there might be a small explosion, so stand back! [Clint walks to the doorway and sprays the water at a particular spot] I hope this works.
[CLINT disappears into the smoke, and there is a sudden hissing, followed by a loud bang. Suddenly the smoke clears, to reveal CLINT standing in front of the carriage door which is shut. The hose is sticking into a small hole in the door.]
Alice : Crikey! The fire was in that tiny little hole?
Chastity : [Looks horrified] Oh dear! Oh no! I fear the lives of many little hamsters have been lost. [To Jerome] Doctor, do we appear to be slowing down? Also, from your extreme knowledge of the train, what, pray tell, is down that hole?
Lenin : For crying out loud you stupid woman! Shut up about those damned rats! They're not even in this part of the train, they're all up by the engine where there is no fire! Are all religious people this feebleminded!?
Darling : Now now, Lenin, there is no need to be so rude to Sr. Chastity, women don't understand mechanical things as well as us men, you know.
Lenin : Thank you for the advice, darling.
Alice : [Bending down and peeking through the hole, from a distance of about ten feet.] Well, I can't see anything through it. Or wait, maybe there is some light there.
Clint: [To Lenin] Shut yer mouth, commie! [Lifts his hand and looks like he is about to backhand Lenin, then stops] Don't you commies have any respect for the few Philli blessed people? Everything you say just makes me want to smash your teeth out. The next time you say something pissy about the sister I am going to punch you in the face until my hand is broken, and then I am going to hit you ten more times. [Calms down. Gets closer and looks in the hole] Hmmm...
Harvey: [Scratches his chin] Hmm, this minds me of the battle of Gumboot, back in the summer of '69. The enemy had built the strangest metal comtraption, which was able to fire enormous shells of explosive through a long, hollowed out metal pipe. Well, me and a few of the lads were on recon, our mission was to steal the plans of this metallic monstrosity, when poor Charles Charlie Charles, always a curious chap, had the misfortune to look down the barrel, just as the thing fired! I remember his last words were 'Looks like there's something jammed in there, real good!" Gah, but I was struck by an eyeball which clean knocked a hole through my hat!
Alice : [Bending down close to Clint] Actually, I just had a brilliant plan to stop the train.
Darling : [Squeezing in between the two] Well, there obviously won't be any eyeballs shot out at us. Good lord! [Stands up] The other carriage is gone! [Slides the door open, and there is a curious grinding of metal as he does so. The open door reveals the other carriage slowing down behind the train.]
Jerome: [Interrupted from his humming of "Summer of 69"] I didn't do it.
Clint: [Looks at the other carriage and looks at the hose, then ties one end of the hose to a secure part of his carriage and ties the other end into a loop of sorts and attempts to lasso part of the run away carriage] These hoses are very thick to support the type of water pressure they hold, but I'm not sure how long this will hold. Are there any people in the other carriage other than Great?
Waiter : Terrible news, the hamsters have been poisoned!
[CLINT lasso misses the carriage, which is now travelling considerably slower than the rest of the train. The carriage appears to have very little fire damage done to it.]
Anthea : [Shakes her head from side to side] Oh no! Poor Great is going to die in that inferno!
Clint: [To the waiter] Why the fiery fuck can't we stop this train!?! [Tries to lasso the other carriage again]
Jerome: [To Waiter] Does that in any way affect the braking ability of this vehicle? As Jerome sees it, we want to decellerate anyway, as maintaining this velocity could be considered hazardous.
[CLINT's lasso is too short, and misses by quite a bit. The carriage is slowing even more, although the train is speeding up.]
Waiter : Sir, I am a humble waiter, I know nothing of the physics of hamstrain stopping.
Lenin : Are you totally stupid, Scar? The train won't stop because there are no brakes!
Alice : [Quietly and somewhat petulantly] I said ages ago that I had an idea to stop the hamstrain, but no one listens to Alice of course, oh no, we'll try lassooing a carriage before we'll listen to Alice. No one ever listens to me.
Darling : What did you say Alice?
Alice : Shut up, Darling.
Jerome: [Raising his voice] Would everyone please desist this petty bickering so as to allow Alice to share with us her wisdom. [To Alice] What is your idea, dear?
Alice : Well, the train can't be stopped because there are no brakes, right? But why don't we put the train into reverse? Get the hamsters to run in the opposite direction, that way we could stop the train. Pretty cunning, eh?
Jerome: The cunninginity of it would depend on the condition of the hamsters. [To Waiter] Exactly how poisoned is poisoned?
Waiter : On a cunning rating of 1 to 10 I'd give a minus two. The hamsters are dead.
Jerome: [To Alice] But, aside from the Dead Hamster factor, it was a most excellent idea. [To Waiter] Is there no auxilary braking mechanism? Jerome believes he saw something of that nature while examining the train.
Chastity : [Starts to mumble then stops as the waiter reveals the shocking and disturbing news] Oh no! Bubbles! I was just going to try to slow the effects of the poison. Oh dear. This is terrible. [Thinks] But surely, if they're all dead then the Hamstrain will start to slow down. Doctor?
Darling : No! There is a downhill incline all the way, we're just going to end up speeding up, the hamsters weren't doing much anyway!
Clint: [Fear spreading across his face] What is at the bottom of this hill? Is there any chance the train will derail?
Darling : Why, Hallbridges is at the bottom of the hill.
Alice : Surely there must be something we can do?
Austin : We can sue the pants off Great Western!
Alice : No, to stop the train, and [getting agitated] I somehow suspect that standing here in the very last carriage isn't the most suitable place to be!
Clint: [To Austin] Make sure I get at least 30,000 gold pieces, unless you think I can get more. [To Jerome] Jerry, you're the Scientist! [Shaking Jerome] Figure out a safe way off this wreck!
Austin: [Waves his hand at Clint to signal quiet, then postulates] There will no suing done, if we do not depart this train in safety. Also, I suspect that that fire was indeed just a smoke screen, and the carriage had Great aboard. I would further surmise, that Great poisoned those rats himself, or caused it by a third party means, and has so escaped chance of injury. That is how he has managed to leave this speeding mode of transport, and I would suggest that we do the same. We should attempt to disembark and return to the detached carriage.
Jerome: [To Clint] Desist from this agressive action at once Mr Scar! We definately would be best off attempting to slow this vehicle down from the front - both technically and aerodynamically speaking.
Clint: Oh. Sorry. [Drops Jerome] I guess jumping for a bush is a bad idea, huh? How fast do you think we're going? [Looks outside] I never would have thought we would need parachutes for a train ride.
[On the way back up, JEROME traces the brake line, only to discover at the front of this carriage that the emergency line isn't actually attached to anything.]
Alice : Hmm, that looks like a curious contraption, how does it brake the train if it isn't connected to the brakes?
Jerome: [Looking around the front of the train] Are there any engineers about? Would someone be so good as to summon one? [Goes back to searching around, muttering] There has to be a braking mechanism somewhere around here.
Waiter : No! The only people who know anything about the train are Great, who designed it, and the driver, who is up in the engine, knee deep in dead hamsters!
Jerome: [Exasperated] Then fetch the driver! [To the party] Where they hire their staff from, Jerome has no concept at all.
Alice : The driver! Crikey Jerome! Who's going to drive the train if he comes down here?
Jerome: Is Dr Jerome K. Trindle B.Sc. Ph.D. missing something, or are we in a vehicle travelling on rails, with no engine power or brakes? If this is the case, what possibly could a driver do up there that he cannot achieve just as well down here!?!?!?
Alice : [Eyes filling with tears] Well, excuse me, Mr. Fireman!
Waiter : I shall fetch him presently.
Jerome: [To Alice] No offence was intended, dearest Alice. Jerome was merely expressing his frustration at the lack of braking ability in this vehicle.
Clint: Jerome, Why didn't you notice the train didn't have any brakes!!!! You inspected it yourself! I think brakes are pretty essential! Boy, when I get my hands on Great I'm gonna kill him! [Grabs a spoon that somehow got to this carriage] And I'll do it with this!
[Enter the WAITER with DRIVER.]
Driver : [Panicking] Do you have a way to stop the train?
Jerome: [Sigh] So, you do not possess any knowledge regarding the braking system, or lack of it, on this vehicle? Are any of the hamsters still alive? Do they perform a function which we could substitute passengers for? What can you tell us of the track ahead?
Driver : There is a braking system in the engine, which isn't working, and I was under the impression that each carriage had independant brakes, which could be used by pulling these. [Pulls one of the emergency brakes which comes off in his hand] I saw it with my own eyes, Mr. Western himself showed me in the last carriage how they worked. The only way I can think of to stop the train is to stop the treadmill which is connected to the wheels directly, that would have the same effect as braking. The train is now travelling too fast, but as long as we don't go around any corners it won't get derailed.
Alice : Are there any corners coming up?
Driver : No, there is one rail switch ahead, that can send the train south, but that won't be flicked, as there is very little rail there.
Waiter : It appears to me that this train contains some of the richest people in the east. In fact, it wouldn't surprise me if the amount of valuables being carried on the train amount to more than the train itself cost. I would imagine that if one were to save these people, they would be very grateful.
Jerome: How strong is the wheel? Would it stand up to the pressure of being stopped suddenly? The brakes obviously only work in the last carriage, which is no longer connected to the train. Therefore, we must attain another method of braking. How far ahead is the switch? Is there any way of switching it from within the train? Jerome believes that it may well be switched, to cause disaster.
Driver : Oh no! I hope not, or we're all going to die! We're going to die! Going to die! Going to die! Going to die!
Alice : [Slaps him across the face] Stop! You're hysterical!
Driver : Sorry - the wheel, it is very sturdy, but I can't imagine what you could stop it with. We better hurry, we'll be coming up on the switch soon.
Alice : [Slaps Darling across the face] Stop! You're hysterical! [Smiles] Hey, this is fun! [Turns to the waiter.]
Waiter : Don't even think about it.
[Exit ALL to the engine. The engine is quite small, and cramped due to the number of dead hamsters. There is a large treadmill connected to the wheels below, and there is also a large metal stick which looks as though it is connected to something under the floor. The treadmill is spinning around at an enormous rate.]
Driver : [Pulling the stick back and forth] That's the brake, it obviously isn't connected to anything. We might as well pull it out of there and throw it out.
Jerome: [Rubbing his chin in a cunning fashion] Perhaps we can find a more helpful use for that stick - like jamming it into the wheel?
Austin: [Looks about as if lost] My grasp of mechanics is not what is desired in a situation like this, but may I suggest that you remove the braking lever, and use that to block the wheel? The feasibility of such an action, is undetermined at this time, and as there is a high risk of personal injury I would hesitate to volunteer myself, and thus volunteer Mr. Scar.
Driver : Good idea, bud! [Takes out a socket set and spends 40 minutes looking for the correctly sized socket only to realise that the stick isn't locked in place with bolt at all, merely clicked into place. He takes it out and puts it on the floor.] There, that might do it, it is metal, and about half an inch thick.
Chastity : May Philli bless you, Clint. [Starts waving her hands around. To Jerome] Doctor, I once heard of a similar tale of when moving machinary could not be stopped. In the end, they resorted to throwing an anchor out of the window. Could we maybe consider this as another alternative plan?
Lenin : [Casting a baleful eye over Harvey's bulk] Perhaps we could tie a rope to one of the larger people in the engine and throw them over?
Driver : [Pulling the stick back and forth] That's the brake, it obviously isn't connected to anything. We might as well pull it out of there and throw it out.
Jerome: Perhaps we should have the working class working the wheel?
Lenin : Oh, that would appeal to you, wouldn't it? Not only did millions of workers die in the construction of this monument to the decadence of the rich, you now expect another one to give up his life because you are put in this situation by another capitalist bastard! You know, I'm glad this train is going to crash, because of the amount of scum that is going to be wiped out when it happens.
Alice : [Looking out of the engine] Look! We're approaching the switch, and there's someone there. Shriek! It's Pearse Pearce Too! What's he doing there?
Austin: [Peers out the engine to where Alice is pointing and then readies his bow] I shall attempt to finish him off, once and for all. I would suggest some haste should be taken. No time for dillydallying about, and perhaps you [nods to the waiter] should warn the passengers, that the train may come to an abrupt scurry off with news of doom and gloom.) as we do not wish a panic-stricken mob on our hands. [Takes aim, and lets loose an arrow at Pearse Pearce Too, when he's within range].
[The WAITER opens the door to the adjacent carriage and speaks to the passengers.]
Waiter : Please, everyone brace themselves, we may be encountering some rough weather ahead.
[The PASSENGERS take this quite calmly.]
Passenger A : Tell us what's happening, we can take it.
Waiter : We have a good chance of crashing.
[There is a murmer from the PASSENGERS, but they are still calm.]
Passenger B : There's more, isn't there? Tell us.
Waiter : The train has been sabotaged and could blow up, killing us all.
[Still the PASSENGERS remain calm.]
Passenger A : What else are you hiding from us?
Waiter : Well, we're out of coffee.
[Bedlam and hysteria break out, with people running around screaming and smashing up the train. Meanwhile AUSTIN's arrow narrowly misses PEARSE PEARCE TOO, he looks up surprised, and jumps behind a rock.]
Jerome: [Snapping] Clint! Vigorously place the metal bar into the spokes of the wheel! [To Austin] Keep firing! Don't let him get up! [Jerome mutters some magical words]
[PEARSE PEARCE TOO pops his head up for a second, only for some tiny balls of flame to shoot out from JEROME's fingers and hit him. He cries out in pain and ducks back down.]
Alice : Come on Clint, for Phili's sake, stick it in!
Clint: [Looks happy] Alice, honey, I thought you'd never ask. [A look of realization comes to his face as his fantasy ends] Oh, you mean the bar. [Takes the metal bar and jams it into the machinery. Clint's muscles buldge as he tries to hold himself and the bar in place] Ah fuuck!
[CLINT slips it in and it is whipped out of his hands, but it is long enough to catch on the roof. Unfortunately it isn't thick enough, and snaps in two almost immediately.]
Alice : Oh no! Jerome! Do something!
[The engine crackles as though it has been hit by lightening, and blue sparks crackle and fizzle along every surface, showering the party with smoke and sparks. Abruptly, they stop.]
Alice : What was that? [Looks around] Where's Jerome? And Harvey?
Clint: Now what!?! [Looks around the room for something else to throw in. Starts throwing in random useless objects] Ooops! Sorry Alice [Puts Alice down] I got carried away.
Alice : [Eyes narrow] Don't even think about it, I doubt you will get a chance to touch me in your lifetime.
Lenin : What are we going to do? Look! The switch is just ahead!
Chastity : [Looks puzzled] Have we stopped?
Lenin : No! You stupid bitch! We're almost going at the speed of light! We must be doing over 50mph!
[The train speeds toward the switch, which sends it onto another track. As it turns it begins to bounce on the track, lurching from side to side. It suddenly loses traction and is derailed, crashing in spectacular fashion with a massive explosion.]