[Act 3, Scene 1. Time : Saturday 2.30pm. Jerome's Dining Room. DOCTOR PROCTOR, AUBREY, ALICE, SR IMMACULATA, AUSTIN, HARVEY, DR. JEROME K TRINDLE BSC PHD and LENIN BUCKLEY are here, sitting around a lavishly decorated table]
Alice : Gosh Jerry, this is a smashing spread, I bet there's more food here than Susan 'Gorger' Rabhar could eat in a whole week. Kind of makes one wonder what the poor people are rioting about when life is so good - Aussie, I think I'll have another four steaks.
Lenin : Indeed it would make one wonder what could have possessed the less well off members of the community to behave in such a despicable manner when they need only look a hundred yards from their homes to see such opulence, when they can smell the stench of wealth, which is a pungent odour however well disguised it may be by the perfume of a well cooked steak. I think I'll just have some cold soup, in solidarity with the workers.
Sr Immaculata: Alice, for shame! Have you forgotten that today is ``Holy No Meat" day, to celebrate the feast of St Vegan of Dungaree? And speaking of food, Dr Trindle, how did you come by all this? Surely you receive a meagre food parcel, just like everyone else in this town? Yet here you have steaks, chops, a soused pigs head, complete with apple, golden honeyed locusts, jellied eels, thrushes ankles, snakes feet, crispy popadoms, curried brussel sprouts... but from where did this food come?
Jerome: You are most welcome Alice, I see you are a woman who appreciates the finer things in life. [Smile] Is there anything else I could get for you, my dear? Lenin, I think you will find that had any of the mob that Dr Jerome K. Trindle B.Sc. Ph.D. rescued you from had half my intelligence and creativity, then they may have created such essential inventions as the devices I have made money on. [Looks around] I look upon the opulence in this house as merely a reparation for the many contributions I have made to society. But, Dr Jerome K. Trindle B.Sc. Ph.D. is not to be accused of failing to please all his guests, so if it would make you more comfortable, you could take some cold soup, and maybe eat it in the stable? [Malicious grin] Immaculata, Dr Jerome K. Trindle B.Sc. Ph.D. is an honorable man! I assure you, this food was imported from outside the village, and then stored in the Dr Jerome K. Trindle B.Sc. Ph.D. Food And Beverage Temperature Conditioning Supply Closet, Patent Pending. In truth, some of this most delectable food is almost a month old. [Pauses for the gasps of admiration]. Though, great lady....I must admit my shame at not knowing of the holiday you mentioned. You have my sincerest apologies. [Looking around the table] Perhaps we should eat only the fruit and vegetables laid before us, so as not to further offend the Sister?
Alice : [Mouth opened revealing a large quantity of half chewed meat] Urm urk ach cho chorm [munch] mm nm mn [munch] times three, see? Anyway, what are we going to do now? [Begins on her second steak]
Lenin : Dr Jerome K. Trindle B.Sc. Ph.D. Food And Beverage Temperature Conditioning Supply Closet, Patent Pending, pah! Half your intelligence? Pshaw! I rather think that it is more the case that if the townspeople had half your money, then they would be able to eat in this kind of luxury.
Jerome: Lenin, is this constant complaining and winging from you for a reason, or are you just too scared to eat your meal, and continue our most important mission? Alice, I agree most wholeheartedly. Also, I believe that the problem we have here must have something to do with possession, so maybe the good sister could shed some light? [Turns to Immaculata] HERE
Sr Immaculata: Dr Trindle, I meant no dishonour at my line of questioning. Please excuse my foolish impudence. I was merely taken aback at all this wonderful food. But by criminey, let me assure you that Mr Buckley here is not a member of this party. In fact, before you were led by the hand of Phili to our rescue [blesses herself], sure, Mr Buckley here was going to burn us all to death! This is your house and we are all guests here [gestures to the others in the party], but I would much prefer if our would-be-assassin was no longer within striking distance. Why, sure and he could have poisioned that very meat and none would be the wiser until we gasped our last breath, the cruel poision burning through our veins, until our hearts...BURST! [Immaculata dramatically flings her arms wide] Note how Mr Buckley has declined to eat the food from this table. Have you? [Immaculata adjusts her habit and smooths out a wrinkle in her wimpole] As for the matter of possesion, I will not say a word until I feel we are safe from the prying ears of [looks in Lenins direction] the enemy.
Alice : [Choke] Yeurgh! [Spits some half eaten meat onto the table] I thought it tasted funny!
Lenin : Rubbish, the only poison in this meat is the poison that is the upper class. I have a mission of my own - a mission to bring peace to our troubled town, to use understanding to cauterise the wounds of anarchy caused by an uncaring tyranny of which you are all parts. Our town is like the bloodied Caesar, cut by the very people he trusted, and you, sister [spits the word out] you were the one who gave the unkindest cut of all, the people trusted you, and here you are, gorging yourself and smoothing wimpoles while the people riot. [Looks to Harvey, before standing up and walking about the room, performing] 'Let me have men about me who are fat - sleek headed men think too much', aye, it was true, I think too much for you and your party, I think and I feel for the people of this town. Mark Antony came to bury his Caesar, not to praise him - I come to nurse my Caesar.
[Exit LENIN, to rapturous applause from the audience]
Alice : [Pushing the meat away from her with a fork, as though afraid it could still harm her from its current position] Such a speech, I wonder if the newly vacated job of town mayor has anything to do with it.
Harvey: [Keeping his distance from the curried brussel sprouts while eyeing the steaks longingly] How he can twist anything that man...shameful. ``Et tu Brutae" more likely. You came to bury, rather, and not nurse your Caeser you did. And they would have killed you too, and still, he learns nothing! I think I'll just munch on a poppadom, just to be safe. [Holds the poppadom up in front of the pigs head, sighs, before turning to Trindle] The flight took the appetite out of me entirely my dear chap, any chance of a cup of tea and some cake?
Alice : [To Jerome] Do you have a pigs head? Or is just the way you part your hair?
[Enter AUBREY, looking somewhat dishevelled, but surprisingly healthy for a man who just recently fell onto a mob]Doctor Proctor : Good lord man! What happened to you?
Aubrey : It was quite incredible, after Clint knocked me out of balloon I fell towards some of the ringleaders of the mob, but, to my surprise, they produced a huge blanket to break my fall. After that I tried to follow the balloon, but I was so surrounded by people trying to shake my hand and apologise for their behaviour that it took this long to get up here. [Looks at the feast on the table] Would that it were not St. Vegan's day, for that looks like a fine feast indeed.
Harvey: [Gladly receiving the cup of tea] Much appreciated Trindle old boy, but the Mayor's needs are far greater than mine. [Offers the cup and a slice of cake to Aubrey] Here you are old man this will revive you. [Continuing while devouring a slice himself and spluttering] Well thats one less charge that Mr. Scar will be up on unless you should wish to press charges, Mayor?
Aubrey : [Waving away the cup of tea and motioning toward a bottle of whiskey on the sideboard] I'm sure St. Vegan wouldn't object to a stiff drink under the circumstances. While Scar can't be charged with murder, I'm sure there's plenty more - assault and battery, attempted murder, incitement to riot, unruly behaviour, there's a whole litany. Not even Sleaze could get him off on these charges - anyway, where is Clint?
Doctor Proctor : I fear I lost my temper with the man. He made several comments about your good self, and your general contribution to society as well as other remarks pertaining to certain party members which I shall not elaborate on, suffice it to say that phrases such as 'fat, deaf bastard', 'smarmy, slimey bastard', 'hairy penguin' and 'brainless bimbo' were used.
Alice : Well, I must say, that's highly unfair. Two comments about Sister Immaculata - there there, Sister. [Confidentially to the others] That's how to make people feel better, you know. I nearly became a nurse, that's how I know these things.
Doctor Proctor : What a tragedy for the medical profession. If I may continue, I suggested to Mr. Scar that he was no more than a thug, a cheap brigand who's bully boy tactics were reminiscint of those employed by characters in a parable told by Lenin Buckley to warn of us the dangers of capitalism. I feel that Mr. Scar is a case for treatment - he is clearly in need of psychiatric help. A course of antipsychotics for his psychotic behaviour, antidepressants for his depression, antitoxins for his toxins, antidotes for his dotes, antiseptics for his septics, antiacid for his acids, antiagers for his aging, antiaircraft for his aircraft, antibacterials for his bacteria, anticatarrhal for his catharracs, antichrist for his christ, anticoagulant for his coagulation, anticonvulsives for his convulsions, anticytotoxins for his cytotoxins, antigonorrheics for his gonorrheia, antiheroes for his heroes, antihistamines for his histamines and Aunty Vera to give him a big kiss on his birthday.
Alice : Well, we're probably best rid of him so, especially with all his unkind comments about Sr. Immaculata, she does try her best, after all. Anyway, lets put the whole business behind us, what I'd like to know his what the yokels were upto with this riot carry on.
Sr Immaculata: We're well rid of Mr Scar. [Conspiratorily] I never did trust him, you know. And Alice, as for Mr Scars juvenile name calling, pay no attention. For as the Good Book doth state, ``Before you dare call me a name, make sure you're packing heat, for I will surely smite you with my smiting stick! My people, should someone amongst the flock be duly unkind, turn the other cheek, for you can see your friends gathering behind him, whereas he cannot!" - St Tyson Youshouldhaveseentheotherguy, Book 4, Chapter 12-13. Mayor Aubrey, you say the crowd aided you. Strange that once Mr Buckley was no longer amongst them, the evil also departed?
Aubrey : Well Sister, I would like to believe that the crowd ceased their rowdiness upon hearing my stirring words of patriotism as I fell from the balloon.
Alice : You mean, when you said 'Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah'?
Aubrey : No, it was after that.
Alice : Oh, so when you said 'Help me Mammy'?
Aubrey : [Taking a quick drink] No, after that.
Alice : When you said 'Help meeeeeeeeeee'?
Aubrey : Just after that.
Alice : But -
Aubrey : Look, it doesn't matter when I said it. The important thing is that it stopped. [Looks around at the rest of the party] What we have to figure out now is exactly what happened to cause the riot? Does anyone remember that peculiar wind from the stables? That seemed to start it off.
Austin: That peculiar wind from the stables? That peculiar wind from you, my good mayor, has spoiled my appetite. How do you explain your bizarre behaviour? You cannot claim that we were near the stables at that point. [Nods to Jerome] I would for a glass of sweet wine, be much obliged to you, sir. [Continues, but paces fervently about,apparently choosing his words with care] We should review where we have been, what was noticed there and who was affected. Then take these observations, draw them up in a simplistic diagram, for Mr. Scar's benefit, and determine a causal relationship. Thereupon we may decide upon an action, vote upon that action, carry out that action, and review what we have learnt from said action.
Aubrey : My bizarre behaviour? To which behaviour are you referring? When I was thrown from the balloon or when I valiantly saved the town from total destruction?
Austin: [In an ominous tone, that to Sleaze, seems to resound with power] Trifle not, with me, mayor of fickle citizens. I see through your ploy. It seems that you and your people are the cause of all these mysterious events. Have you forgotten the display of madness in the Huxley residence? I have no time for your forgetfulness.
Aubrey : No, sir, I have not forgotten the display of madness which afflicted certain persons here present. I have also not forgotten that I was not among those affected - in fact, sir, it was you who attempted to kill Aldous Huxley [waves at Alice] you were suddenly struck by a coma and as for you [can hardly bring himself to look at Harvey] you sent poor Mrs. Huxley into the street half naked, and all for the purpose of some pathetic ruse to force Aldous Huxley into confessing to a crime he did not commit. [Turns to Jerome] Dr. Trindle, since Clint Scar has been fired and is now a wanted criminal, who, once I finish my lunch, will have several warrants outstanding, I feel the party as a whole would benefit greatly if you were to become a member. Would you be so kind as to join them in the search for the killers?
Jerome: Jerome K. Trindle B.Sc. Ph.D. would indeed be interested in the undertaking of such an adventure - my soul has ached for such a release from the boredom of study. Though, I fear my strength will not be much of a replacement for Clint Scar's, Jerome K. Trindle B.SC. Ph.D. is confident he has intelligence that would greatly benefit the party. But, for a learned man such as myself, it is a little difficult to work out the solution to a puzzle, when I have not as yet seen all the pieces, so I will rely on you all, mainly the most observant Alice [somewhat cheesy smile], to relay any clues I may have missed, not being present during the beginning of this quest. But, Mayor, where do suggest we look now? To my knowledge, both of the known kidnap sights have been thoroughly checked, and I can think of nowhere else in this town that could help... [tentatively] Maybe out of the town we would get a clearer picture? Like the full size, density, coloring, shape and relative positioning of this cloud - maybe we could pinpoint the center, which could be the source?
Aubrey : That, I'm afraid is something that I just don't know. As you might be aware, immediately after the cloud descended there were several expeditions outside to determine the cause, and also, I suppose, what happened in King's Reach. None of these expeditions ever returned, even the one led by Harald 'No Feet' Murphy's brother - Harald. As for clues, well, there haven't been that many so far -
Alice : [Standing up] Excuse me, mister Mayor, I think I might deal with the good Doctor's questions. [Begins to walk about the room] Locks. What do we think of when we think of locks? [Looks around the room as though waiting for an answer] Correct, we think of clues, and [walks back to her seat] when we think of clues we think of how the locks got from the Huxley house to Buckley's caravan, and if we can figure out who did that, and how they did it, we will know who committed the murder. [Sits down, satisfied at the clarity of her explanation]
Aubrey : Er, well, I'm sure we're all clear on that...
Sr Immaculata: [Gasps with disbelief] You were not affected? Not affected? Mr Mayor, you cruelly punched me in the face, a thoroughly unprovoked attack! So do not sit there, sir, stuffing yourself, and dare to condescend to a single member of this party. If you are not satisfied with our methods, then find yourself a different party!
Aubrey : Punched you in the face? So you say, Sister, so you say. I have no recollection of the event, but I presume you are referring to the incident in the jail, I was referring to the earlier incident at the Huxley house. You ask if I am satisfied with your methods, of course I am not, how could I be after the death of a second child? But, gentle sister, I am not chastising you for her death, nor do I blame any of you for it, I am merely suggesting that the party could benefit from the membership of Dr. Trindle. While I appreciate that you are not under my employ Sister, I would remind you that you are involved in this investigation because of my invitation - I do not wish to pull rank and issue orders, this is not, after all [shoots a glance at Harvey] a military organisation, but if your ego is such that you cannot co-operate with me I suggest you leave. [Reaches out and grabs the largest piece of cake that Alice clearly had her eye on, before stuffing the entire piece into his mouth in a most undignified fashion]
Alice : [Wisely to Jerome] Now that, Dr. Trindle, could be another clue. Of course, it could also be a red herring, or might have nothing to do with anything at all. Hmm.
Jerome: Hmmm... Dr Jerome K. Trindle B.Sc. Ph.D. is a little confused. Am I to understand it that everyone has gone at least partially insane, due to this cloud? What could it be about this cloud that causes such a wide spread mental instability [scratches his chin, and continues to mumble]. Is it even the cloud? Or is the cloud another symptom? Perhaps the cloud stems from the center of the of the disturbance? Or maybe the cloud is just a co-incidence. And what of the ``Chill" that so many people have felt? Maybe if I created a temperature measuring device, we would have an early warning system, so we could tell when someone was going to loose a few sheep out of the top paddock.
[Enter CLINT, banging the door open, followed by ALEX, JEROME's butler]
Alex : My apologies sir, but he insisted on coming in.
Clint : [Looking at everyone, smoking a cigar] So you wanna go out there? To check the cloud or... to run away from here. [Staring at Jerome] You feared well, you're strength's nothing. [Looking for a chair to sit] You'll need me.
Aubrey : [Almost choking on his cake] Need you? I don't think so, Harvey, arrest this monster immediately.
Alice : [To Jerome] No - the cloud isn't causing any insanity, at least, I don't think it is, it's just that Austin said if we pretended we were all mad that Aldous Huxley would confess to the killing of the two kids, as the lock that was in his son's room was found in Buckley's caravan.
[Enter ALEX, with SR. MARY BEARD and SR. MARY MOUSTACHE. The two sisters race around the room, sprinkling holy water on AUSTIN, ALICE and CLINT.]Sr. Mary Moustache : Sr. Immaculata, you are safe!
Sr. Mary Beard : God bless you, Sr. Immaculata.
Sr. Mary Moustache : We saw Dr. Trindle fly you here in his machine.
Sr. Mary Beard : God bless Dr. Trindle's flying machine and all who travel in it.
Sr. Mary Moustache : It was amazing Sr. Immaculata - there we were, barricaded into the convent, terrified of what the mob were going to do.
Sr. Mary Beard : God save us and protect us from such evil ever taking place again.
Sr. Mary Moustache : Suddenly, just as it seemed we were doomed, they seemed to come to their senses, and began apologising for their behaviour!
Sr. Mary Beard : God forgive their foolish foray into violence.
Sr Immaculata: [A genuine look of relief on her face ] Oh sisters, thank Phili you are all safe! I had feared the worst, especially when that unruly mob rounded on our sanctuary. On our sanctuary! The evil is growing in strength, I can feel it's power surging and consuming all in its wake! Come sisters, let us pray to the Almighty in an unobtrusive corner, for as you are both aware, not every soul in this room can bare to hear the prayers of light. [Immaculata walks towards a corner and pauses, looking at Aubrey] Oh, by the way, Aubrey, I am a nun, and nuns do not have egos. We just are.
Clint: The worst thing to do is to rely on a god. Then, another foolish thing is to throw me this water. [Going in front of Sr. Mary Moustache]. Unless you want to take an everlasting underwater bath.
Aubrey : Incorrect. The worst thing to rely on is a cheap thug - you have a cheek coming in here bandying about your threats when you could be arrested on several counts. [Turns to Harvey] Come on, Kingston-Short, arrest this insect immediately. You, Sleaze, I presume you have on your person the requisite A-3312/CCD forms required for an arrest form? I don't know, in he comes, babbling nonsense, arrest him, arrest him immediately, I say!
Harvey: Well the [to Aubrey] niceties of the law can't be upheld without the aid of the military. [Turning to the troop] Alright men "fall in". [And then to Clint] Well then Scar are you going to come along peacefully to answer the charges levelled against you or are you going to resist arrest?
Sr Immaculata: [Continues her praying, blessing herself every once in awhile. ]
Clint : [To Harvey] Why go elsewhere, I can answer here! Before arresting me, you should prove I'm guilty. Prove it to me of course.
Aubrey : [To Clint] Prove you're guilty? I find it incredible that you can stand there and utter such preposterous nonsense - how dare you have such a cheek. [To Harvey] Remove him from my sight, before I am physically ill.
Doctor Proctor : [Standing up] Now that the townspeople have returned to their senses, I feel my presence may be required to aid those injured in the rioting. I would urge you to set aside your petty differences and return to your discussion of how best to discover who is responsible for these awful crimes.
Aubrey : Petty differences? Being physically manhandled and pushed over the side of my own balloon can hardly be considered a petty difference!
Doctor Proctor : [Regards Aubrey sorrowfully] Hmm. I'm sure it can't.
[Exit DOCTOR PROCTOR]
Jerome: [To Aubrey] Dr Jerome K. Trindle B.Sc. Ph.D. agrees with the good doctor, Clint should be allowed to aid us - but first Dr Jerome K. Trindle B.Sc. Ph.D. believes, most humbly I assure you, that we should calmly, and rationally, discuss the reasons behind the actions Mr. Scar took. [Turns to Clint] Mr. Scar? What have you to say for yourself?
Clint : At last, it seems I've found someone clever. [Speaking to noone in particular] Think about it. First the mayor punched our Sister Faith, inciting the people to riot. Then, as we approch the cloud in the balloon, I go slightly mad. So, the cloud is the cause of all this.
Jerome: [Puffs up at the uncommon praise from Clint] You know, Dr Jerome K. Trindle B.Sc. Ph.D. was conversing about just this topic matter before you entered his abode - and it gladdens Jerome that another is thinking along generally the same ideas. Therefore, the question must be asked, how is it that the victims of this affliction, which Dr Jerome K. Trindle B.Sc. Ph.D. believes should be called Temporary Uncontrollable Mental Desire Toward Acts Of Violence, chosen? Is it a random occurance? Though, it must be said, that Dr Jerome K. Trindle B.Sc. Ph.D. is not a psychological doctor, and therefore is not qualified to diagnose such conditions. But, we must try! Tell me, both Clint and Aubrey, what exactly you felt prior, during, and after these attacks. [Jerome sits back in his chair, looking very pleased with himself]
Aubrey : [Ignoring Clint and shouting at Jerome] Phili on a horse! Discuss the reasons that -
Sr. Mary Beard : Shriek! [Blesses herself] God bless us and save us from blashemy!
Aubrey : Excuse me, sister. All I'm trying say is that there is no need for discussion - this madness tale is clearly a ploy, I want this bastard -
Sr. Mary Beard : Shriek! [Blesses herself] God bless us and save us from those who cast doubt on the parentage of others.
Aubrey : I want this individual arrested. Now for Ph-...for crying out loud Harvey, are you going to arrest him or am I going to have to get someone else to do it?
Alice : I think you're being led astray by these naughty men, Jerome.
Sr. Mary Beard : Shriek! [Blesses herself] God bless us and save us from those who cast judgement on their fellow man.
Sr. Mary Moustache : Judge not lest ye be judged.
Sr. Mary Beard : Amen.
Sr. Mary Moustache : Let he who has not sinned cast the first stone.
Sr. Mary Beard : Amen.
Sr. Mary Moustache : Oh, Sr. Immaculata, how your patience must be tried by these sinners.
Sr. Mary Beard : Amen.
Alice : If I may continue? Jerry, the situation is this - we came up with a cunning plan to feign madness to get Huxley to admit to killing snakie boy and kidnapping the other girl. Episode two of the madness - we're inside the jail, before you came along, and for no reason at all Aubie pokes Immac on the hooter, and runs around like a madman. Finally, you witnessed the last incident yourself - Clunt rocked the boat, Aubie took a tumble. Now, Dr. Bassett-Short has spoken - there is no madness, just a lot of naughty boys, although, I must admit, I am stumped by the attack on Immac.
Aubrey : Attack on Immaculata? I already said that I don't remember such an attack - however, I refuse to discuss the matter until Clint is arrested.
Harvey: The Mayor is right the procedure has to be obeyed. Once Mr. Scar is in custody these matters can then be settled. And anyway it doesn't excuse his own encitement of the mob when we were trying to open negotiations with Buckley here? [Waves faintly at Lenin] Isn't that right! No, he must submit himself to the protection of the constabulary or else be proclaimed a fugitive from the law. The law is very specific that way. [Producing his notebook from his brest pocket] Now where is that page with his rights on it. [Looks up towards Clint while still thumbing pages] Well will you submit to that protection?
[Everyone present looks to the chair that BUCKLEY was sitting on before he left]
Aubrey : [Standing up] That does it. Harvey, it's bad enough that you are sitting here feeding your face while my very life is in danger - but here you are speechifying and talking to someone who isn't even in the room. [Turns to Alex] You there, go to my house, there will be some guards there, get them to come here.[Exit ALEX]
Sr Immaculata: [Tuts loudly ] Will you lot be quiet! Heavens to Betsy, sure I was trying to pray, but can't due to your ceaseless babble. [Immaculata looks at Aubrey ] Much as I hate to say it, Mr Scar should not be arrested. Besides, there's nowhere to keep him, is there, what with the prision going up in smoke? We need all the help we can get, and that includes our Mr Scar, here. [Turns to the other nuns] Sisters, sure shouldn't the mayor follow the path of the righteous and forgive this sinner? Isn't that what our religion and faith is all about. As long, of course, that the sinner in question did not thieve from a holy place, for only the lord Phili Himself can deal with such such an immoral act! Sisters, what kind of man would not forgive another? Should such an unholy man exist, I feel it is our convents obligation to denounce such as he! Very publically denounce! [Immaculata looks calmly at Aubrey]
Sr. Mary Beard : Amen! God Bless those who have forgiveness in their hearts.
Aubrey : Look, Immaculata, I -
Sr. Mary Moustache : Sr. Immaculata is correct. We are all familiar with David 3:13 - 'The judgement of the evil ones is the duty of Phili'.
Sr. Mary Beard : Amen to that.
Aubrey : You're surely not suggesting that [flinches as Sr. Mary Beard sprinkles holy water on him] Scar be allowed to get away with what he has done? That would be reducing the legal system to a mere farce - should we forgive whoever murdered those two children? [Looks angrily at Immaculata]
Sr. Mary Beard : Shriek! God save and protect us from those who do not respect the religious.[CLINT leaps to his feet and runs out the door after ALEX]Aubrey : [To no one in particular] Quick! After him!
Austin: [With disdain, and a most acidic tone] Hearken unto the masses squabbling over petty grievances. You do shame me with your presence, and no less those of all indicated parties. Shall we spend the next few days, burning each other's souls with this plethora of complaints, or shall we discuss matters at hand. Clint in his stupidity has hit upon a truth - we have more pressing matters to contend with, but notice that I note who has done what to whom, and shall accordingly determine which party I shall represent, be it prosecution or defense, claim or accusation, I would have you set aside these matters until a more appropriate time, and in a more fashionable forum. The boat rocking, I would merely attribute to Mr. Scar's unbounded clumsiness and weight, [bows to Clint], no offense intended of course. The madness experienced by the party was indeed feigned, but despite it being my brilliant plan, was without success. There is the matter of the Mayor, who completely lost control and has no recollection of the incident. And also the matter of the mob - [turns to Aubrey and the two hairy nuns for verification] - where they without memory after you calmed them? These questions must be answered, if we are to postulate a theory. Thereupon, we shall require evidence, and shall put this theory into practice, perhaps requiring a volunteer to become possessed. An offensive known, is indeed no offensive [turns to Harvey with a sarcastic twist to his grin]. What say you now?
Harvey: [Somewhat taken aback by Aubrey's outburst and petuantly] Perhaps the reason that I momentarily misplace the Trotskyite is that I have suffered famishment, save for a inconspicious poppadom, in order that you could partake of the reviving elixier of tea. Pardon my concern and charity! [Becoming irritated] Now was there any need to go and force the situation by summoning additional help. Mr. Scar I hope, will render himself up the authority of the law without any recourse to compulsion. [Waving to more clearly discernible members of the group] Are not we enough for the task if it comes to it. Do you want it to descend into the free for all that characterised the mob rule that we saw today. I'm sure the new member of the Troop would want his initiation to be remembered for the wanton damage of his beautiful home here. What we need to do is to apply only the necessary amount of force to ensure Mr. Scar's compliance and we are adequetely served, I think, thus far. If Mr. Scar refuses to cooperate well then we certainly should consider augmenting our strength but we shouldn't preempt it. [Stops lecturing] Should we! [Regards Clint] Come on Scar you've had more than enough time to decide. The cavalry is coming, so surender now and save yourself fromany unnecessary unpleasenteries!
[Enter CLINT, with an angry look on his face]Aubrey : So, you've given yourself up, eh?
Clint : Give myself up? [To the others] This guy is still mad. On weak minds, it seems the effects of the clouds are persistant.
Alice : [Angrily] How dare you! I have a weak mind and have suffered no ill effects, kindly keep your comments to yourself, Clunt, thank you very much.
Sr. Mary Beard : Good bless us and save us from the weak of mind.
Sr. Mary Moustache : Truly, Immaculata, you have a cross to bear.
Sr. Mary Beard : Amen.
Sr. Mary Moustache : A narrow path to tread on the road to salvation.
Sr. Mary Beard : Amen.
Sr. Mary Moustache : A stony beach to lie upon in the wait for the kingdom of Phili.
Sr. Mary Beard : Amen.
Sr. Mary Moustache : A cold mug of coffee to drink from.
Sr. Mary Beard : Amen.
Sr. Mary Moustache : We shall take our leave of you now sister, and tend to the spiritual needs of the townsfolk.
Sr. Mary Beard : God forgive their aberrant ways.
Sr. Mary Moustache : You shall be in our prayers, Sr. Immaculata.
Sr. Mary Beard : God save and protect Sr. Immaculata.
Sr. Mary Moustache : Phili bless and protect all here except Clint, Sleaze and the unforgiving Mayor.
Sr. Mary Beard : Amen.
Sr. Mary Moustache : God especially bless Dr. Trindle who I bet hasn't forgotten that promise he made to install his invention, the Dr. Jerome K. Trindle BSc PhD Holy Water Vending Machine, outside our convent, whenever he gets the chance.
Sr. Mary Beard : God bless and protect the wise and thrifty Dr. Trindle.
[Exit SR. MARY BEARD and SR. MARY MOUSTACHE]Aubrey : [In disbelief] ``Famishment"? Is it also famishment that made you fail to notice that while you discussed your belly the very person you are supposed to be arresting has actually left? Do not hold me responsible for the fact that your huge appetite was not satisfied despite you sitting down to lunch while I fought single handedly against the mob! Wake up, soldier, there is work to be done.
Clint : [To Alice] So, we should add that the cloud doesn't affect brainless people. [To the place where the sisters were] It could mean that the holy wetting sisters have a brain after all. [To all] We have to act now, and not speaking for nothing. Let's blow up this cloud.
Jerome: [Sigh] Dr Jerome K. Trindle B.Sc. Ph.D. really should install the Dr Jerome K. Trindle B.Sc. Ph.D. Holy Water Vending Machine, and, no offense Mr Mayor, but this esteemed party is no closer to solving the problem at hand. May Jerome make a suggestion? [Assumes ``yes"] As we are gaining no information when we are sitting here, perhaps you all could come with me, and see if the mob left any clues at the convent? [Jerome continues his conversation as he wanders out of the room, re-entering it a few seconds later, carrying what looks like a tacky water cooler with a donation box attached to the side of it] May Dr Jerome K. Trindle B.Sc. Ph.D. also suggest, that the matter of Clint's arrest or otherwise should be left in favor of pursuing our original goal? It seems to Jerome, Mayor, that you are slowing the proceedings, which must be the primary concern of the town. Clint, though like you, Jerome is most eager to rid this town of the Cloud, but first we need to know HOW to destroy the cloud. Also, we don't know if the cloud is the threat, or just a symptom. [Sigh] So much to learn, so little time. Ok, who's coming to the convent with me?
Harvey: [Losing patience] What say I Austin Sleaze? Too much has been said already. I was trying to avoid all this legal mumbo jumbo about representation and who was going to be whos' defence counsel and writ upon writ and counter-writ at least until Scar was physically in custody so that there was somebody [snorts] to defend and to prosecute. [in turn] I know my duty Mayor as a sworn upholder of the law and your blatent interference in the manner of my execution of that duty is singularly unnecessary, unwanted and unwarranted. [leaving the table] And good Sister; forgiveness is a matter for God, not for the law. It can only demand justice. [moves towards Clint] Mr. Scar again I must remind you not to outrage my Niece so. She is a Lady and her mind is not weak but delicate. Like fine Little-Hall china and like the minds of all good ladies. Now [standing before Clint, hold holding the note-book] Clint Scar I'm formally arresting you under section 29A of the Queen's view penal code [and reading] ``for multiple breaches of the peace" pertaining to and relating to "section 15C and 18D" for the present "pending the filing of additional charges". [looks up at Clint and offers helpfully by way of explanation] Section 15C cornerns itself with the "encitement to riot" while 18D refers to "aggraveted assault with an aim to murder". You are asked to remain silent until until counsel is appointed for anything you say will be taken down and may be used in a court of law as evidence against you. Now, your flight a moment ago not withstanding, will you give yourself up peacefully. [from his trouser pocket he produces a pair of hand-cuffs]. Well?
CDD - Missing Post?
Harvey: Now Clint [Soothingly] Its that sort of initiative that has got you in this mess in the first place. Make it easy on yourself, give up quietly and we can sort this all out. Or else [menacingly, while jangling the handcuffs]!
Sr Immaculata: [Throws her eyes heavenward] Lord Phili give me patience! Harvey, you are not going to arrest Scar. Scar is a member of the party, and as such, is needed for the time being. The mayor agreed not to press charges until all of this was over. [Looks at Dr Trindle] We are in agreeance, doctor. Sure, the convent is the very place to begin. Heaven knows, the lazy get nothing in life and it's time for action! Lord, bless us in our search for clues. [Immaculata blesses herself]
Alice : God bless us and guide us in our search for clues. Oops! Sorry, its just I've kind of got into the habit of hearing it.
Aubrey : Scar is not a member of the party - you might remember that he was fired before he caused the prison to be burned down. Harvey, jangle those cuffs a bit harder.
[Enter GERRY and DERRY, two of the town guards, both of whom look incredibly hungover]Gerry : [To no one in particular] Uh, you wanted us, sir?
Aubrey : Unless Mr. Scar has some reason why he shouldn't be arrested, take the cuffs from the Colonel and put them on. Well Scar?
Clint : [To Aubrey] What if the man you would wrongly arrest would be the only one to know how to go outta this town?
Jerome: Harvey, please! See reason! Clint is a member of this group, and we may well need him later on! Are you prepared to jeopardize the success of our most urgent mission, to protect the Mayor's pride? [To Aubrey] Dr Jerome K. Trindle B.Sc. Ph.D. fears that you are not acting in the best interests of the town, which is a crime punishable, I believe, by imprisonment! Perhaps it is YOU, Mayor, who should be locked up! Jerome begs of you - please do not impede the progress of this task YOU YOURSELF set this group! It is Dr Jerome K. Trindle B.Sc. Ph.D.'s most sincere and well thought opinion that our chances of success will be significantly reduced if Clint Scar does not accompany us to the bitter end! Surely, if the need is so great, Clint can be arrested AFTER he has performed an invaluable service to the town, and even if you do not wish to accept this fact, a service to you, as well. Your job as Mayor could be very unstable if you are unable to end this most dire situation quickly. Perhaps if you accompanied us, you can watch Mr. Scar, and either confirm or rebuke your opinion of him. Must Jerome remind you that Clint walked back in here, to continue aiding the town? [Really warming up now, Jerome turns slowly to face everyone in the room] Surely Sr. Immaculata and myself are not the only individuals with the wisdom to see that Clint is a valued member of this party! Alice? Harvey? Austin?
Alice : What do you mean, Clunk, the only one who knows how to get out of the town - we all know that, all you have to do is walk into the cloud.
Aubrey : He's bluffing - just trying for time. [To Gerry] Put the cuffs on.
[GERRY does the business]Aubrey : No, you fool, not on me!
[GERRY undoes the business]Alice : Well Clunk - explain yourself, or is this as Aubie says, a cheap attempt to gain time?
Clint : Passing through the cloud might not be a good idea. [To Alice] But we could make a test with you. [To all] I know a tunnel that seems to go outta the town. [To Aubrey] But if I'm arrested, I could go mad and forgot the place where the tunnel starts.
Alice : [Turning away from Clint] Obviously a pathetic attempt to get out of being arrested. Throw him in gaol and lets head for the convent, he's making no sense. [Makes for the door, but is obviously waiting for the others]
Jerome: Dr Jerome K. Trindle B.Sc. Ph.D. thinks that everyone should come, including Aubrey's two thugs, I mean guards, to the convent, to discover what we can. [To Immaculata] Perhaps we could beseech Phili's wisdom on this matter?
Sr Immaculata: Dr Trindle, the great One works in mysterious ways, but all we can do is pray that He guides our steps. But for as long as Mayor Aubrey continues his alarming and sinfully petulant manner, neither he, nor his guards are welcome within hallowed ground. So, the convent is the perfect place to initiate our search. [To Aubrey] Whilst there, I will pray for you to receive the gift of tolerance, Mayor Aubrey. I will pray for your soul.
Aubrey : I don't even want to go to your silly convent, anyway. In fact, I bet you don't find anything there. But whatever, happens, he [points to Clint] is not coming. ``Only one who knows how to get out of the town," how pathetic can you get. Gerry, Derry, put the cuffs on. On him.[GERRY and DERRY grab hold of CLINT]Sr Immaculata: [Clearly annoyed] Gerry and Derry, if you place those cuffs on Clint Scar, you are committing an unholy act! Your souls will perish in Hell for an eternity! Remember the Good Book, v5-1 to 5-22 tells us ``And Lo, should any act against the word of my spiritual representatives, they shall surely regret it, for mighty shall be my vengence upon them! And then some!" [Immaculata blesses herself] And the word of Phili is clear. Put away those binds!
Clint : [To Aubrey] Listen to the blessing girl, you're commiting something very dangerous for you. She speaks of soul, I'd speak of body, but what's the difference as a result? [To all] Perhaps you want a proof, perhaps your weak minds don't want to admit I'm the only one who can go through the cloud?
Aubrey : Don't put them away - while you're in this town, my word is clear. Take him away.
[GERRY and DERRY begin dragging CLINT towards the door]
Aubrey : [Lifting up the teapot] Now, are you lot going to the convent, or would someone like another cup of tea.
CDD - Missing post from the frenchie?
Aubrey : [Holding up his hand for Gerry and Derry to stop] Look, Scar, if you have something to say, say it. One thing I'm sure we agree on is that we're sick of you trying to talk in riddles - you've been hinting that you can go through the cloud, either you can or you can't, explain yourself or by Phili you'll spend the next three years chained to Brendan Buckley!
Clint : [Looking at Aubrey for some seconds, then speaking] I've found a tunnel that leads outta the town. I doubt the cloud is underground too. [Pause] Now that I said what I know, release me!
Sr Immaculata: [To Aubrey] Not only do you kick aside the holy teachings, but you've decided to try your clammy hand at blasphemy also! It's no wonder this town has become sick with evil, what with the likes of yourself at its head, tricky little man! [Immaculata blesses herself and steps away from the Mayor, wrinkling her nose] ``The smell of Evil is the stench of rotting flesh, the stench of all that is mortal and impure. For only those who walk in the light shall know eternal peace" The prophet 'Avealaugh, book 2-verse 13.
Aubrey : Underground tunnel? Where?
Clint : At the stables.
Aubrey : [Waving his arms around like a maniac] What?!? Is that all you have to say? [Looks to the party] This is obviously lie, you surely all agree?
Alice : Well, what if he's not lying?
Sr Immaculata: There's only one way to be sure, and that's to check the ruins of the stable! It all makes perfect sense now. The footprints led from the Huxley house into the stables, but seemed to vanish once inside. Someone, or something is using that tunnel to get in and out of this town.
Clint : [To Alice] Could you think I'm a man who could lie? Of course I am! [To all] But I'm not lying. Why not go and check? [To Derry] As I'm chained, take a cigar in my pocket and light it for me.
[DERRY puts his hand into CLINT's pocket]
Derry : Ow! [Pulls his hand out with a mouse trap firmly clamped on it] You could have warned me!
Alice : Good thinking Immac - remember, the stables are not only across the road from the Huxleys, but its also on the same street as Moe's Tavern, and [whirling a celery stick around like it were a baton] it is at the end of the street that the jail is on, which just happens to be the same street where Buckley has his caravan.
Clint : What the hell you think you're doing! My cigars are for me! You're smoking this like a little girl! Throw it away and put a cigar in my mouth!
Derry : No.
Alice : So, what's the plan? Head for the stables?
Clint : Yes, you will! Did I forget to tell you that my cigars were poisoned? Too bad... [to Alice] of course we go to the stables.
Derry : [Phtwaorgh - Spits the cigar out on to the carpet] I knew that, I thought there was a funny taste off it.
Harvey: Don't be churlish Scar. [Turning to Aubrey] As he is already under guard, I can't see the harm in checking out his story. I mean if nothing comes of it then it will have only been a detour and a waste of an hour or two, but if there is a tunnel well then it could be the break in this case that we are looking for. [Trying to whisper] Anyway they are quite right the gaol is destroyed and it would take us at least as long to find secure quarters. You could delay the judicial process until that search was made, and should it be there well that is withholding evidence [offering suggestively] in the attempt to pervert the course of justice I suppose. But this again is for the courts, what do you say? Shall we check the validity of this story?
End Of Scene
[Act 3, Scene 2. Time Saturday 3.15pm. The remains of the stables. ALICE, SR. IMMACULATA, DR. JEROME K TRINDLE, AUSTIN, HARVEY, AUBREY and CLINT are here. Also here are a group of bystanders and news crews.]
Aubrey : Well, it looks like he was telling the truth, what a surprise.
Alice : Maybe he dug the hole himself, to pretend he had some valuable piece of information, and he'll get us all to climb in, and then throw a whole lot of earth in, throw a large rock on it, stack some boxes on, and sit on it so we're all stuck there and not let us out until we promise to forget all the mean and nasty things he's done. Come on, lets go to the convent.
Jerome: Stand back! Stand back! [Jerome, sweating profusely, puts down the Jerome K. Trindle B.Sc. Ph.D. Holy Water Vending Machine, and advances toward the hole] Dr Jerome K. Trindle B.Sc. Ph.D. has just the thing to set your mind at rest, sweet Alice. Dr Jerome K. Trindle. B.Sc. Ph.D. just last week completed his work on the Dr Jerome K. Trindle B.Sc. Ph.D. Big Or Narrow Area Recognizer, or BONAR as I call it. This device should tell us the approximate size of the hole. [Jerome lowers a small pink device, that looks vaguely like a hot dog, into the hole]
Sr Immaculata: [Glances in annoyance at the assembled onlookers and then looks back at the hole. She speaks, loudly enough for all to hear] I do hope that some giant, slavering, blood drenched monster doesn't come leaping out of the hole, hell bent on gobbling everyone in sight! It is said that monsters have a particular appetite for the curious of mind. Lord protect us from the rending teeth of evil! [Immaculata listens carefully by the hole] Does anyone hear a strange growling sound? Why, Doctor Jerome, I'm sure that little sausage on a string will not be enough to feed such an enormous beast. [Immaculata turns to the onlookers] Anyone want to come and have a closer look?
Clint : Well... I think everyone should listen to me more carefully next time.
Alice : All it shows is that you are very quick at digging holes - and you are in such trouble with the law I think you should stop digging now.[The crowd shift a little uneasily at IMMACULATA's words, before one of the newsreporters, JOAN SLOANE, steps forward]
Joan : Let me see, I have a duty to the public to investigate this, and I am not afraid of any make-believe monsters. [Thrusts a microphone at Immaculata] Tell me sister, what progress has been made with the investigation so far?[The crowd gather in closer, but JEROME's BONAR suddenly leaps out of the pit dramatically and whizzes around the air. Most of the crowd run screaming from the ruins, but JEROME catches the BONAR and pauses, as though trying to figure out something.]Joan : [Climbing out from behind her hiding place, and, beckoning to her camera crew, she sets upon Jerome] Tell me Dr. Trindle, has your monster detecting device detected a monster? Please, the public have a right to know.
Harvey: The right to know if there is a monster, pah! [Stepping in front of Joan to obscure her view] They need know only what they are told Miss. [To Immaculata] Well played Sister its best to keep them at bay. We may not be able to hold them if they become excited again. [Aloud] Just where is the responsibility of the press in all this [shakes head in remonstrance]...bloody reporters! [To Trindle] Well what can that contraption of yours tell us. Is it a hoax or not? [Then aloud again, chuckling] Well if it is Scar he's put more work into this little trench than anything he did while a member of the troop.
Clint : [To Alice] If I were able to dig this so fast, don't you think it would be time for you to pass the night with me? [To Harvey] The problem is simple. We have a hole. We have a monster. We want to go into the hole. So we have to kill the monster.
Alice : [Regards Clint with a horrified look] Clunk, I wouldn't pass wind with you. The problem is simple, we have a hole, Dr. Trindle will hopefully ascertain whether or not we have a monster, however, we have a pain in the ass, we have a hole, we have quite a lot of rubbish, so why don't we send Clint into the hole to check this scary monster [Holds up her hands, while wiggling her fingers and making a face and going ``weeaaaaaahaaahahahahah"] and the rest of us can wait up here and make sure that none of the rubble falls in on top of you.
[The camera crew turn on HARVEY, with JOAN jabbing the microphone aggressively at him]
Joan : Is this consipiracy of misinformation sanctioned by the town authorities? Or is it just the result of a military junta married to a religious power that has suddenly given itself the right to carry out the third Queen's View Inquisition? The press won't rest until we know the truth. What's tomorrow's headline going to be? ``Heroic Colonel Saves The Town" or ``Colonel, Nun and their monster involved in three in a bed love tangle"?
Alice : But I'm a nice girl! Does that mean you like me?
Joan : [Whirling around from Harvey, scribbling in her notebook, and talking out loud] 'Colonel stays silent on monster nun sex scandal'. Dr. Trindle, can you give us a comment on the possibility of a monster being down the tunnel? Could it be that the monster creeps out of the tunnel and becomes involved in three in a bed love triangles with one of the children and a politician who has recently made a stance in favour of family principles?
[Slowly news of JEROMES discovery filters through the crowd, and they all move back. Only the party, JOAN SLOANE, and her cameraman, KIERAN KODAK are left in the immediate vicinity]
Alice : [Shifting uneasily with all this talk of monsters, peers into the hole] Maybe we should check the convent first?
Clint : [Looking in the hole] Yeah. Good. Anyway, I'm a monster hatin' man. [To Alice] And a nasty girl hating man too, but we'll check that later [To the crowd] Now you people get off of here, or I'll be forced to help the monster make you flee.
Jerome: Attention Everyone! Dr Jerome K. Trindle B.Sc. Ph.D.'s BONAR has gauged the size of this cavity. This hole of Clint's appears to be 20' deep, and no readings indicate that there is a monster in there. There is a possibility, however, that at the bottom of this hole, is a tunnel. Where this tunnel leads, Dr Jerome K. Trindle B.Sc. Ph.D. does not know. But, to be concise regarding the dangers uncovered when we discovered Clint's hole, anything could be lurking down there, and the public should vacate the area. It is possible there is a monster down there with Anti-BONAR of some description, or who knows what manner of horrendous, deadly, evil, smelly, discontented with living in a hole, fanged, nasty, inconceivable, huge, drop a load in your pants when you see it, human hating monster could be lurking in the tunnel.
Sr Immaculata: Ms Sloane, I'm aware that you have a job to do. A job of reporting the events as they happen to the good people of this town. Perhaps you and young Kieran would like to accompany us on our journey into this pit of Doom. Sure, and while we're down there, I'll tell you all about the good charity work that the sisters and myself are involved in. In fact, I'll tell you the history behind the convent, from its very origins until this day. I'm sure your readers would just love to learn about the good works of Phili. In fact, I'm sure your fine paper could run a special spiritualist issue, dealing with the way Phili has touched all of our lives, in our deeds and in our thoughts. [Immaculata peers into the hole] In fact, I'm sure Mr Kodak is just dying to be the first into the pit of Doom, camera snapping away, all cockahoop at his good fortune. Closely followed by your good self, documenting our descent into the jaws of evil itself. [Immaculata sighs contentedly] You lucky thing, you.
Joan : Do not try and intimidate me Sister - I'm a hardened newshound, if you and the others are so scared you want myself and Kieran to go first, we certainly shall. However, we are content to remain as we were, conducting a fly on the wall documentary. You might be able to scare away the local yokels with your stories of monsters, but not the crack reporters from the Queens View View. We do not wish to work against you, nor do we wish to hamper your investigation, which, I might add scored an impressive 93 to deny us access to information pertaining the safety of our town, well, lets just say I am going to cover this story, whatever your opinion of the Queens View View, and before you ask, I am aware of your letters concerning the contents of Page 3, but that is not my responsibility. [Pauses, clearly waiting to take her cue from Immaculata's reaction. Kieran takes a photo.]
Alice : Would any one mind if I get my photo taken?
Sr Immaculata: [Calmly] I have nothing against the Queens View View, Ms Sloane, nor your reporting methods. Perhaps you will remember, not two moments ago, I invited you and your camera man to join us. Does that sound like ``denying information"? Of course it doesn't. As for these letters to your Editor, they are, as you have said, not your responsibility. [To the others] Alright, everybody, with the help of Phili we'll have this checked out in next to no time. Can somebody get either a ladder or a strong rope, some lanterns and a small piece of string, preferably white. [Immaculata claps her hands together rapidly] Mush, mush, sure, lets not waste anymore time than is truly necessary!
Joan : [Clicks on her taperecorder, and Immaculata's voice is played back] That is correct, sister, but I fear it was but an attempt to be sarcastic. However, my doubts notwithstanding, I would be happy to accompany you to check out the slavering sex beast of the pit.
Alice : [Peering into the hole unhappily] Well, Jerome, I hope you have the correct tools for this.
Jerome: [Turns to Joan, and straightens his tie] Well, Joan, my scientific findings have indicated only the approximate size of the hole, and the possibility of a tunnel at the base. At this stage of the inquiry, the existence of a Monster has not been either confirmed or denied, though it must be said that if there is a monster down there, it is either very small, or very clever. This is Dr Jerome K. Trindle B.Sc. Ph.D. reporting live from the Hole, now back to the newsroom.
Jerome: [To the beautiful Alice] Hmmm... Much to our misfortune, beautiful Alice, Dr Jerome K. Trindle B.Sc. Ph.D. does not have anything on him... [To Immaculata] Sister, would there be a ladder, or stout rope at the Convent? Perhaps we could also pick up some rations for the dangerous journey we are about to embark on, and Dr Jerome K. Trindle B.Sc. Ph.D. could also install the Dr Jerome K. Trindle B.Sc. Ph.D. Holy Water Vending Machine.
Clint : Hey! We're not going to waste our time in the convent! We just have to take a rope. And one or two knives if the monster was bigger than expected.
Alice : [In horror, to Jerome] Dr. J has nothing on him? Eauh! Put some clothes on, you pervert!
Joan : [Scribbling] Naked Egghead confirms existence of microscopic genius sex monster...
Alice : So, Immac, will the penguins have some equipment for us - and perhaps some clothes for Dr. Pervert?
Austin: What need have we for equipment? Are we not well prepared as it is? Just jump in the void, for if we cannot return by a different path, then failed in our mission we have. Surely this leads outside of the cloud, and if we can rid this town of that particular pestilence, it must be done from there. A one-way trip, that will lead us back a different route, but I see that route as a glorious one, filled with joy and jubilation, townsfolk singing my, [looks at the group, then corrects himself, but starts fondling Maplin], eh, our praises, carrying us to their prepard hog feast, and celebrate throughout the week. Is this not that the way that it should be?
Alice : [Pulling out a clipboard] Well now Aussie, lets see, we need sandwiches, warm clothes, boots, lemonade, a large selection of weapons, some band aids, some rope, a few torches, some clothes for Doc Pervert to put on...see? Loads to do. Anyway, Immackers? What's the buzz on the sisters of mercy setting us up with a few swords, cannisters of oil, armour, daggers, darts and a small cannon? You know, we're probably going to have to kill a whole bagful of baddies on this trip. [Jabs at Jerome with an imaginary sword]
Sr Immaculata: [Aghast] Lord save us and help us child! The convent is not an armoury! Alice, we've nothing more dangerous than a holy statue of "St Agnes The Quite Ugly, But A Lovely Personality". However, I'm sure my sisters will oblige my request for blankets, cloaks and food...for a small donation to the ``Blind Plague Children of Krin", a most worthy charity.
Jerome [Sloppy grin at Alice] Dr Jerome K. Trindle B.Sc. Ph.D. assures you and indeed everyone that he IS fully clothed, and has no problems with his skin complexion, which [looks down at his body] if he were now naked, Jerome must certainly have. Austin, are you sure your Gung-Ho meathods are quite correct? Dr Jerome K. Trindle B.Sc. Ph.D. has no problem with you leaping down there yourself, but surely you do not expect the rest of us to follow with meagre provisions?
Harvey: [To Trindle while keeping his distance from Sloane] Course he's right Trindle old boy but we have to be discreet about it. Don't want ninny bloody reporters giving away the whole show do we. [Adding with emphasis while looking around for evesdroppers other than the party] Careless talk costs lives! Capital girl Alice, now mark off those items that the Sisters are going to provide for us. The rest hopefully we can procure in the Town hall provided that the ``vault" there escaped the attentions of the townspeople. Its a reserve armoury that I established last year should the gaol fall into the wrong hands. If its still intact I think we have got ourselves an expedition! [Looking around again] Now mums the word [pointing to Sloane]. Ignore her questions and we'll slip away, alright. [Turns to Austin, a smile across his face] I'm glad all that work is finally starting to pay off. You're thinking like a soldier at last.
Clint : [Staring deeply at the hole, lights a cigar, then turns to Harvey] A ``vault''. That sounds good to me. Why do we stay here any longer?
Alice : [Eyes Jerome balefully] Well, if you're sure Jerry...I'll take your word for it, although, I must admit, you did look a bit odd in the nip. [Looks to Immaculata] Okay Mac, keep your veil on. Why don't we pick up the statue of Aggie and then hit on Aubrey for some armalite?
Joan : Perhaps I might be of help here - I bet the Queen's View View would be more than happy to arrange a lucrative sponsorship deal for the party - we would provide you with all the equipment you need, provisions, blankets, holy objects and what have you, in addition to which we would pay each member a token sum [looks to Immaculata] or donate it to the charity of your choice. In return all we would ask is for exclusive interviews upon completion of the adenture and the application of a small, tasteful yet unobtrusive 'I View the Queen's View View as having the best Views in View' sticker on each item. Just think about it, 'Brave Immaculata saves the town despite her inner worry about the blind plague children of Krin' - 'Dr. Jerome K. Trindle, inventor of the camouflage billboard, to the rescue of Queens View'. Or even 'The Queens View View view Austin and Clint as our heroes'. [Stands back, waiting for a reaction]
CDD - Missing Post?
Joan : You stay here because the party is ill-equipped to embark on such a dangerous journey. I really think you should consider the sponsorship deal further [Holds up the 'I View the Queen's View View as having the best Views in View' sticker again] I expected such a reaction from the military contingent, especially after their behaviour during the great Freckle scare of '72, but surely the other members of the party can see the benefits from such an arrangement?
Alice : Will our pictures appear in the paper?
Joan : Constantly!
Alice : [Hopefully, to the others] Sounds good to me!
Jerome: Possibly, the most intelligent course of action now would be to traverse to the Convent, acquire the equipment we are able to from there, and then look over the proposal made by Joan Sloan. [Picks up the Dr Jerome K. Trindle B.Sc. Ph.D. Holy Water Vending Machine, and starts toward the convent] Oh, before Dr Jerome K. Trindle B.Sc. Ph.D. departs toward the House Of Nun, perhaps Joan would like a picture of Jerome for the paper? Perhaps with Alice? [Lugs the DJKTBP HWVM over to where Alice is, and puts a cheesy grin on his face]
Austin: I'm all for it, but I must point out that my face is already known, loved, and envied throughout this land. I would require though that were my picture taken, and displayed as such that the granularity of the frame were up to the standards set by the precedent setting Apollog versus Grew View Times case, where Madame Apollog, renowned for her plainness was touched up by the lack of granularity causing her to lose her friendship with all those people that merely spoke with her for the sake of gratuitous abuse. Therefore, I would insist that I may view the picture before it is published. [Looks at Mr. Kodak] It would be an easy project for you, my good sir, as I do not have a best side, but Maplin would require some grooming before he goes on display. So I would now cherish that sponsorship - as long as I may immediately purloin a sticker from you Miss Sloane.
[ALICE rushes to JEROME's side, whereupon KIERAN begins setting up the scene for a portrait shot]
Joan : Counseller Sleaze, let me assure you that the Queen's View View adheres to the strictest quality controls in terms of the photographic images we use. Moreover, in the case of the photos being used of people who are enjoying sponsorship from the paper, the usual practise is to take a number of shots in the studio, and to use those as the story progresses, to insure that our people are portrayed in the best possible light. So, , shall I [pauses as she is momentarily blinded by the flash from KIERANs camera] shall I meet back with you all at the convent, where I can give you the equipment and we can all sign some contracts?
Kieran : [To Alice and Jerome who are posing madly and pouting at the camera] Gorgeous! Beautiful! I love you! Dr. Trindle, let us see more of your cordrouy jacket!
Jerome: [Spins, with an inane giggling expression on his face. Then he pulls his jacket across his body, exposing his corduroy for the camera. Kieran starts to salivate as he catches a hint of Pocket Protector under the jacket. Jerome finishes the shoot with some cuddles with Alice, then composes himself.] Ok, let us away! [Turns and picks up the Dr Jerome K. Trindle B.Sc. Ph.D. Holy Water Vending Machine] Hurry, good people, and Mister Sleaze, and Joan Sloane! The convent awaits our imminent arrival! [Walks toward the Convent]
Harvey: Oh please! [Sidesteps Trindle] Come away from there Alice, if there have to be photographs then the formal Studio prints would be more...well..appropriate. Turns to Sloane, now how much would this so called sponsorship deal [wrinkles his nose] be worth collectively?
Joan : So-called? I detect from your tone sir, that you do not approve. The terms are as I mentioned earlier, the Queen's View View will provide you with any equipment needed, provide you or your chosen charity with as much coverage as we ajudge the public can stomach, and pay a generous amount for exclusive rights to cover your stories. Perhaps something of the order of fifty gold pieces each.
Alice : What do you reckon? [Holds up a t-shirt with ``I View the Queen's View View as having the best Views in View'' written on it] Come on, lets hit the convent and see what they've got for us.
Jerome: Oh, come on! [Impatient tapping with his foot] Let us at least move to the convent to converse on this matter. The convent is the next logical step, so let us not delay proceedings any further! [Jerome grabs a ``I View The Queens View View View's As Being The Best In The View" brown Corduroy cap] What a tasteful, and indeed, somewhat elegant piece of attire this is! Enough! We are away! [Jerome walks to the Convent]
Clint : I wouldn't call the convent a logical step. But we need to move. I can't stand beeing here doing nothing else than hearing stupid words from a wanna be journalist. [walks to the convent too, staring at Joan as he passes near]
Joan : [Glaring at Clint, and noting something in her book] Well, I'll meet up with the five of you in the convent, complete with contracts and equipment. Until then.
[Exit JOAN SLOANE and KIERAN KODAK]Alice : Convent, then?
End Of Scene
[Act 3, Scene 3. Time : Saturday 3.45pm. The Convent. SR. MARY BEARD, SR. MARY MOUSTACHE, SR. IMMACULATA, ALICE, AUSTIN, CLINT, HARVEY and DR. JEROME K TRINDLE BSC PHD are here]
Sr. Mary Moustache : Welcome back home, Immaculata.
Sr. Mary Beard : God Bless Immaculata's return.
Sr. Mary Moustache : We have heard about your plans to enter the pit.
Sr. Mary Beard : God guard and protect their paths.
Sr. Mary Moustache : We will give you as much equipment as we can, we will render any assistance possible.
Sr. Mary Beard : God bless everyone in the party except Scar and Sleaze.
Harvey: Sisters, again your blessing and generosity in its charity and bounty is most appreciated. Now Alice remind me what was on that list of yours. [Drawing his own note-pad] I might have some things to add when we get to the Mayor's house, now that the leasing of the weapons has been agreed. [turning again to the Sisters] Now chaps I think we should have three cheers for Sr. Beard and SR. Moustache followed by a chorus of ``for they are jolly good fellows". What do you say? [Turns to the party and lifts his arm in encouragement] Hip hip...![A few minutes pass .....]
Alice : [Coldly to Harvey] For someone who was extremely rude to Ms. Sloane earlier, you seem to be very keen all of a sudden. I don't remember an agreement being made, just yourself and Clunt being extremely rude to Ms. Sloane who was only trying to help us. [Stands between Jerome and Austin] Maybe we should change the party, get rid of yourself and Clunt who are being so mean to Joan. This way we'll only have the beautiful people in the party - oh, and Sr. Immaculata too.
Jerome: [Puffing his chest slightly (and not very successfully) at Alice's comment] Good Sisters! Our humblest thanks. [A drop of sweat drips off his nose] But, pray tell, where may Jerome install the Dr Jerome K. Trindle B.Sc. Ph.D. Holy Water Vending Machine, before a vein in Jerome's forehead bursts, and Jerome passes out from exhaustion?
Sr. Mary Moustache : Oh, you poor man [Presses the pulsating vein in Jerome's forehead back in] put it down here, just by the door.
Sr. Mary Beard : God bless the kindly and clever Dr. Jerome.
Sr. Mary Moustache : When you're finished, won't you have a penguin bar and a glass of milk?
Sr. Mary Beard : God bless and strengthen the calcium in Dr. Jerome's bones.
[Enter AUBREY, GERRY DINKLE and DERRY GINKLE. GERRY and DERRY are carrying a number of weapons]Aubrey : I have been informed [flinches at the holy water Sr. Mary Beard throws at him] of your arrangement with the Queen's View View. I have some items that may be useful to you, but I would like to categorically state that I am in 100 completely endorse the kind offer by the Queen's View View, and, may I add, I View the Queen's View View as having the best Views in View. [Flashes a smile Austin would be proud of, before looking around, puzzled] What? Isn't Joan here yet? Pff! Too early. We'll have to go away. Come on, men.
[Exit AUBREY, GERRY and DERRY]Sr. Mary Moustache : Perhaps the brave party members would like to suggest some items they would like?
Sr. Mary Beard : God bless and guide them in their choice of armaments.
Clint : [Turning toward Sr. Mary Moustache] Yes. I've got a request. [Taking the cigar off his mouth] Do you have blessed cigars?
Sr. Mary Moustache : We most certainly do not!
Sr. Mary Beard : God bless the clean lungs we were born with.
Sr. Mary Moustache : We are diammetrically opposed to the smoking of cigars-
Sr. Mary Beard : God find forgiveness for those who pollute the atmosphere
Sr. Mary Moustache : The imbibing of alcohol -
Sr. Mary Beard : God cure those who live in the bottle.
Sr. Mary Moustache : The injecting of intravenous drugs -
Sr. Mary Beard : God forgive those who are from Glasgow.
Sr. Mary Moustache : The smoking of cannibis resin -
Sr. Mary Beard : God forgive those who listen to reggae music.
Sr. Mary Moustache : And the pleasuring of oneself.
Sr. Mary Beard : God forgive those who .. uh, those people.
[Enter JOAN SLOANE, KIERAN KODAK and MAXWELL MURDOCH, owner of the Queen's View View]Joan : Did I hear someone mention cigars? [Waves a large box of sweet smelling Havanas under Clints nose, there is a large red and white sticker on it that says something about the Queens View View] Just sign on the dotted line, and we can equip you with the all important cheroots.
[Enter AUBREY, GERRY DINKLE and DERRY GINKLE. GERRY and DERRY are carrying a number of weapons]
Aubrey : I have been informed [artfully dodges the holy water Sr. Mary Beard throws at him] of your arrangement with the Queen's View View. I have some items that may be useful to you, but I would like to categorically state that I am in 100 the pit and completely endorse the kind offer by the Queen's View View, and, may I add, I View the Queen's View View as having the best Views in View. [Flashes a smile Austin would be proud of, before Kieran takes a photograph] Oh! The press are here, hello everyone!
Jerome: [Turns to Joan] Are we permitted to view this document you desire our written confirmation of acceptance on?
Jerome: [To Aubrey, warily] And what is it that you have for us, Mayor? [Brightens slightly] Do you have any Dayglow pocket protectors?
Joan : Certainly, I'm sure you'll all find it acceptable. [Offers the contract]
``I, the undersigned, hereafter refered to as the party of the first part, agree to accept the sponsorship of the Queens View View, hereafter refered to the as the party of the second part, such that the party of the first part shall endeavor to provide the party of the second part with exclusive rights to interview, coverage, distribution, book, film and play, in accordance with the Interview Act of 1165, as ammended by the Later Interview Act of 1190, the intoxicating liqour act of 1210, the seond offensive weapons act of 1230 and the traffic act of 1220. The party of the second part agree to furnish the party of the second part with appropriate equipment, as described in the offensive weapons act of 1225, while the party of the first part, insofar as the party of the second part agrees that the party of the first part will not put themselves at unreasonable physical risk, agree to the promotion of the principal business concern of the party of the first part."
Aubrey : Dayglow pocket what? Of course I don't!
Joan : Ahem. [Waves a hand full of 'QVV' pocket protectors] Now, is everyone happy with their contracts?
Jerome: [Makes a lunge at a Pocket Protector, scratches off the logo, and puts it in his pocket.] Dr Jerome K. Trindle B.Sc. Ph.D. would like to make an amendment to the contract. ``The second part agree to furnish the party of the second part with appropriate equipment, as described in the offensive weapons act of 1225.'' All this says is that the Queens View's View will furnish themselves. Jerome suggests, therefore, that the contract be changed to read: ``The second part agree to furnish the party of the FIRST part with appropriate equipment, as described in the offensive weapons act of 1225." Which, Jerome would have thought, Austin may have noticed.
Joan : [Snatches the contract back, and modifies it] Excuse me, I don't know what the lawyers were thinking about. Oh, and Dr. Trindle, you might find that the logo doesn't come off quite so easily.
Aubrey : Can we take it then, that our brave party are fully equipped, and that we can head to the pit? Oh excuse me, [looks to Joan] Head to the [deepens his voice] Pit of Death. [Glances again at Joan who gives him the thumbs up]
Alice : [Takes a short sword from Derry and Gerry, and begins swinging it around viciously] I'm sure ready, what about the rest of you?
Sr Immaculata: In the name of all things holy, Alice! Stop swinging that sword this instant, child, you're in a house of Phili! Have you lost all your senses? [Immaculata tuts loudly and stoops to pick up her bag] There's no point in delaying this any longer, I suppose. Sisters, [to the two nuns], let us pray together for a godgiven moment or two to ensure Phili Himself looks down on our trek with kindness!
Clint : [Approaching Alice] Wow! Are you sure you'll be able to use that? It's not a toy for little girls you know. [Turning to Joan and signs] Just because of the cigars. Anyway. I am ready. Let's kill some rats.
Harvey: [Looks for the first time to Austin, and then] Well...well.....well, the defraying of the expences certainly means that we can have the kind of equipment that every serious expedition should have to call upon if its going to have more bite than a gnat. [Holds up the t-shirt and looks to his own clothes]. Perhaps the private sector has been kept at arms length for too long and if the Troops progress is tastefully reported [looks again at the t-shirt] then I suppose it is all right. And I think, what with funds being available we should procure the services of Doctor Procter and his medicines in case we might need them out there. Now Constables Gerry, Derry what weapons have you brought and is there any armour, for I would like to know if we are all adequetely catered for, especially my Niece in case she does come across any rats [shoots a glance at Clint].
Alice : [Pointing her sword at Clint] You'd be surprised at what little girls can do with their toys.
Aubrey : Doctor Proctor? I doubt that he will accompany you, he's a doctor, dammit, not a soldier. As for Nurse Terse, I sincerely doubt that she would be prepared to go. Perhaps if you ask them they might consider, and they are coming along soon with some medical provisions.
[GERRY and DERRY hold up their goods for all to see. There is chain and leather armour for anyone who needs it. There is also a few swords. Enter DOCTOR PROCTOR and NURSE TERSE]Doctor Proctor : Good afternoon - I have a few items that could be of use to you. [Looks to Immaculata] I'm sure you are familiar with the equipment - cotton wool, ice packs to hold up to someone's eye after they have been struck by a rolled up ball of tinfoil, and, of course, some lemonade and chocolate biscuits to console the injured.
Sr Immaculata: [Accepting the medical bag] Why thank you, Doctor. A most kind gesture. [Immaculata takes some leather armour from Derry and walks towards a door] Excuse me for a moment while I prepare myself. [Immaculata exits]
Jerome: [Peering at GERRY and DERRY's wares] Hmmm.. Would it be presumptuous of Dr Jerome K. Trindle B.Sc. Ph.D. to inquire whether you have any items of worth to someone with a magical turn of mind? Or perhaps something to aid the invention of some really useful stuff?
Clint : [Looks at a chain mail] Mmmh [Puts a cigar in his mouth] It could be useful. The rats could be big. [Takes a chain mail. Turns to alice] You said something interesting with toys. I think you'll have to show me what you could do with my toy [takes the cigar out of his mouth].
Alice : [Takes the cigar, and gently strokes its shaft. She runs her tongue along the side before suddenly breaking it in half, throwing it onto the ground and stamping on it. She smiles mischeviously at Clint] How's your toy now?
Gerry : [To Jerome] No, we don't have any magic items, but we do have a toolbox complete with a collapsable workbench [holds up a box about the size of a matchbos] folds down pretty small, eh?
Aubrey : Well, once Immaculata returns, I believe we shall be ready for our journey into [deepens his voice once again] the Pit of Death.
Jerome: [Reaches for the workbench, a small drip of saliva glistening on his lip] Oh.... It's beautiful. [Small tear wells up in one eye] Do you have a pipe, by any chance? Jerome is thinking about taking up the pipe. Going, of course, on the assumption that a big, smelly, butch, hairy monster will kill Jerome long before lung cancer will.
Sr Immaculata: [Re-enters the room, looking most uncomfortable. As she moves across the room, the sound of creaking leather is clearly audible] Hmm, maybe this armour should have gone over my holy robes...Dr Jerome, those who smoke tobacco are disease ridden, smelly breathed pathetic junkies. [Looks at Clint for a moment] Smoking is not permitted within the convent, which is a rule, I'm glad to say, even Mr Scar obeyed. [She spots the broken, but unlit cigar on the ground] But please, Mr Scar, this holy house is not an ashtray! Kindly pick up your mess after you and have some respect for the house of God! [Crosses herself] Phili, grant me patience and tolerance of those ill-mannered in our midst. [Immaculata looks at Gerry and Derry] I will need a mace, my good sirs. Does anyone here have a big whopper?
Jerome: [Stands next to Clint, and replies to Immac.] Yeah? Well, at least they're not hairy! [To Gerry and Derry] Don't suppose you have any darts? Otherwise I'll just have to squick people with this [Jerome holds up his ... Pocket Knife (for short)]
[Enter MOON UNIT, a local hippy, with a joint in hand]Moon : [To JEROME] Hey man, I'm hairy.
[Exit MOON UNIT]Gerry : [Handing a small leather case to Jerome] Them's best arras in town. Can't do nowt 'bout pipe, though.
Alice : Why does Gerry suddenly sound like he's from Yorkshire?
Derry : That'll be Moon's joint - it always has this effect on him. [Opens his jacket and slaps his huge whopper on the table] Well, Sister, is that big enough for you?
Harvey: Now if we had some smearable poison those arrows would be really useful Trindle...Bulls eye what! Doctor Proctor would you not consider lending your considerable talents to this expedition in order that we may more swiftly deal with the pestilence that so bedevills the people here. [Turning to Gerry] If we are going to be travelling light for maximum mobility I'll have the leathers as well. [And seeing that Immaculata has returned] Well Mayor any last words for us?
Sr Immaculata: [Lifts the mace and examines it carefully] Why that's just perfect, young man. You have my thanks. [Immaculata turns to the party] Shall we be off, then?
Doctor Proctor : If by lending my considerable talent you are suggesting that I provide some ``smearable poison", I must remind you of a trifle called the Hippocratic oath. It is my job to cure, to vaccinnate and to restore. I provide all manner of sedatives, aspirins and and antiseptics. I am happy to furnish these medicines in any form convenient - be it pill, suppository or ointment. I am not able - nor do I want - to be involved with any organisation that sanctions the use of poisons. If by lending my considerable talent you are suggesting that I accompany you, then I must remind you of the riotuous mob which earlier today lay waste to 7the eight pregnant women who will soon require my services. I would also point out that I have no military training whatsoever.
Aubrey : Er, yes. Well, I take it that means we are all prepared. To the Pit of Death!