[Book IX, Act X, Scene I. The Carriage. ALICE, AUSTIN, CHARLIE, CLINT, DUR, JORDAN and RED race away from Nostalgia, most still dressed as unicorns. To their surprise, another unicorn, and also, clearly a fake, stands at the side of the road, smoking a cheeseratte, hoof out, hitching a lift.]

Alice: That's kind of weird, isn't it?

;;; Yes, the number is right, and this IS Act X. A mistake way back in

#09.05.003 of the last

;;; act propagated right the way through!


Charlie: Indeed, let us inquire from a safe distance. Slow the carriage and I shall ask it to identify him/herself!


Content-Type: text/plain; charset="iso-8859-1" Content-Transfer-Encoding: quoted-printable

Red: I feel like I'm standing out=2C where can I get a costume? =



Charlie: We stole them from Joe Nunpar, so we do not have a spare. Keep your face hidden as we approach this stranger, just in case, but I suspect we should all like to shed this costumes at the earliest convenience!


Alice: I don't know, Red, I think your costume is hilarious! Those pants, that funny nose? And, OMG, that hair? Where on earth did you get that wig? In the ... [struggles to think of where he might have got such a thing] funny wig shop?

[RED stops a reasonable distance from the UNICORN, who clearly spots the party in their outfits.]

Unicorn: Hey! Totes horn!


Charlie: [Groans] Oh, I recognize that irritating manner of speech! [Calls out] Hello, there! Why are you dressed as a unicorn?

;;; Fletch, I think his name was??


Unicorn: It was the only way I could escape from those crazy monks. They're terrified of unicorns!

Alice: [To the party] That's a weirdly specific thing to be afraid of, not to mention an oddly specific thing for him to just have on hand.

;;; Maybe!


Content-Type: text/plain; charset="iso-8859-1" Content-Transfer-Encoding: quoted-printable

Red: [Whispers from behind the party] Ask him if he has another suit. =



Austin : Probably for the same reason that you are? [Muses] Or because unicorns are 'Totes ossum'.


Alice: Do you have another suit?

Unicorn: Of course, I'd hardly go out without my bear suit, would I?

[The unicorn's rear end speaks up]

Ass: How many times do I have to tell you? That's not a bear suit, you're just really hairy!

Unicorn: [To the party] It's a bear suit. I'm wearing it right now, as a matter of fact.

Ass: Ew!


Charlie: Yes, but have you another unicorn suit? And do tell us more about these odd monks you mentioned!


Unicorn: Totes craze! Lots of head bonking, lots of counting, lots of ending of the world.

Ass: You can have my half of the suit! This guy is Totes Flatch!


Austin : I really dont know what the obession with unicorns is about, but can we get moving?

;;; pretty sure Aus is in a very smart suit, without any unicorns?


Alice: If this really is Fletch, shouldn't we pick him up?

;;; True, but he's the only one, other than Red


Charlie: [Sighs] If he promises to be very, very quiet!


Jordan: [To Red] There's always the half a unicorn suit Austin was wearing earlier.

;;; Sorry, been out all day. Last minute arrangements.


Clint: Or we could just de-unicorn ourselves before someone gets the wrong idea!


Unicorn: I've already got the wrong idea!


Charlie: [To Clint] I fear we should stay in uniform until we better understand this cult and its fears! [To the Fletch Unicorn] With whom are you traveling, Fletch?


Fletch: [Taking off the unicorn head] It's Pinky!

Pinky: [Appearing from the bottom of the unicorn, looking disgusted] Why the hell do you eat so many lentils?

Fletch: Totes reg, baby!

;;; The party last saw these two in Book IX, Act II


Charlie: [Smiles at Pinky] Hello again, Pinky. [In a lower voice, nodding subtly at Fletch] Are you quite desperate for money, now that you are no longer employed by Mr. Sotot and I? [Hands him a copper piece] Perhaps I could find steady work for you [vaguely] hauling things?


Pinky: Hey! We're in love! Don't be so insulting. [Grabs the copper piece]


Austin : Don't be so ungrateful, that was one of her better insults!


Fletch: I liked it, totes dismiss! [Gets to climb on board the carriage] You all heading to the porno?

;;; Out for two hours!


Charlie: [Puzzled] The Pan-Oceanic Revolution's Nautical Ornithology meeting?! [Muses] I had considered it, but tickets sell out so fast. . . . [To Fletch, excited] Wait, have you an extra ticket?!


Last from Heather 24

Fletch: Sure! All the geeks and nerds will be there!


Charlie: [Thrilled] How wonderful! [To the party] Quickly, pull yourselves together so we do not miss the registration session. [To Fletch] Is it true the first 20 attendees receive a miniature glow-in-the-dark spotting scope that functions as a keychain?!


TGFzdCBmcm9tIEhlYXRoZXIgMjYNCg0KPkNoYXJsaWU6IFtUaHJpbGxlZF0gSG93IHdvbmRlcmZ1 bCEgIFtUbyB0aGUgcGFydHldIFF1aWNrbHksIHB1bGwgeW91cnNlbHZlcyB0b2dldGhlciBzbyB3 ZSBkbyBub3QgbWlzcyB0aGUgcmVnaXN0cmF0aW9uIHNlc3Npb24uICBbVG8gRmxldGNoXSBJcyBp dCB0cnVlIHRoZSBmaXJzdCA+MjAgYXR0ZW5kZWVzIHJlY2VpdmUgYSBtaW5pYXR1cmUgZ2xvdy1p bi10aGUtZGFyayBzcG90dGluZyBzY29wZSB0aGF0IGZ1bmN0aW9ucyBhcyBhIGtleWNoYWluPyEN Cg0KRHVyOiBbR3JvYW5pbmddIERvIHdlIHJlYWxseSBoYXZlIHRpbWUgZm9yIHRoYXQ/DQo


Content-Type: text/plain; charset="iso-8859-1" Content-Transfer-Encoding: quoted-printable

Red: [Whispers=2C still semi-hidden] So=2C are we still on the same quest=2C and will I be required to dress like an animal of sorts?



Content-Type: text/plain; charset=us-ascii Content-Transfer-Encoding: quoted-printable

Last from Maikel 28

Fletch: There's always time for an anal scope at a porno! [To Red] You won'tbe required to, but you can if you want. We won't judge. Totes ope.=20=



Last from Conor 29

Jordan: [To Red] Do you want to be dressed as an animal?

;;; Did 'we' ever find out who that hooded figure was that Will left with?

;;; Are 'we' still trying to find the cause of the Reveals?


Austin : Or dress yourself as an anmial?


Charlie: Whether we go to the PORNO meeting or not, we really should not linger, just in case HARMA is still following us!


Fletch: [To Charlie] I like your style! HARMA hate porno!

;;; We still haven't figured out who Will left with, and several different

;;; cults have claimed responsibility for the Reveals, but it isn't

;;; clear yet who actually is


Austin : [Looks doubtfully at Charlie. To Alice] Better step on the gas, sweet cheeks, we don't want to be late. No one wants to be late.


Content-Type: text/plain; charset="iso-8859-1" Content-Transfer-Encoding: quoted-printable

Red: [To Jordan] Hmm=2C I thought no=2C but now I see you all=2C it might be something. I have heard that my kind like quirky stuff=2C so that might b= e it. [To Alice] I also heard that blonds are very good in getting somewhere fast while driving=2C care to prove it? [Looks intrigued to the unicorn s= uits] --_2abfb0a2-d27f-4316-a882-cba36560bebb_


Jordan: [To Red, intrigued] Your kind?




Content-Type: text/plain; charset="iso-8859-1" Content-Transfer-Encoding: quoted-printable

Red: As in magic user=2C but there are indeed stories about very old ones going extremely pervy. =



Clint: Haw! That's true about old people in general! Buncha sickos, I tell ya!


Jordan: [To Red] Not all of us magic users are perverts. Or do you mean only the ones not musically inclined?


Alice: Stinky is right, I mean, he is the perfect example of a pervy old person!


Charlie: Indeed. [To Fletch] And what is your interest in the PORNO meeting?


Fletch: I'm the star of the show!

Alice: Let me guess, you're some sort of [finger quotes] guest speaker who's there to talk about Science and Stuff, [smirks at Charlie's naivete] but then you take off all your clothes and have sex with everyone?

Fletch: Not exactly. I'm naked when I turn up.

Pinky: It's a follow up to Bitanic, where a scientist goes down on a ship.


Austin : Apart from the free nibbles.


Jordan: Sounds like a fascinating experience. We should go there at once.


Charlie: [Looks at Fletch skeptically] I know you are not a scientist, and you do not look like a water fowl. Surely you cannot be serious about your starring role at this conference?


Clint: I think he's totes serious, Sarge. Unfortunately. And don't call him Shirley.


Jordan: [To Clint] I get the feeling Chuckles thinks everybody is secretly called Shirley.


Pinky: Of course he's serious. Fletch is one of the most respected pornographic actors at the moment. In the last two weeks he's made 134 films.

Alice: What has that got to do with Science and Stuff?

Pinky: Most scientists now work in porn.

;;; Out all day tomorrow, back to normal on Wednesday!


Austin : There goes the neighborhood!


Content-Type: text/plain; charset="iso-8859-1" Content-Transfer-Encoding: quoted-printable

Red: Should I be happy or very scared for scientifically correct porn? =



Austin : [Cringing at the thought] Terrified. Just imagine a systematic review of alphanumerically ordered dungeon equipment, from crop sizes 1 to 16, through paddles to whips 1 through 30, before sex. It takes all day and that's before the 'schedules' start! A good length of silk rope, a blind fold and some massage oil is as complicated as it ever needs to get, in my book. No audits required.


Alice: Oh, sweet, innocent and naive Austin! [Sighs sadly] Deucie loved his schedules. Sometimes they would take a whole weekend!


Charlie: [Sighs dreamily] Organization IS fun!


Austin : No it isn't. It's incredibly boring. [To Alice, laughing] I prefer having sex to following schedules, thank you. Schedules are simply a waste of time.


Alice: Not if they are [finger quotes] sexdules.

Fletch: Are guys in the movie?


Charlie: [Perplexed] You mean the conference video diary? Indeed, the field of Nautical Ornithology is still quite dominated by males. But let us go see for ourselves! [To the party] Perhaps we can find a linguist with a passion for birds who might help us with our translation!


Alice: You mean one that's really smart? Or rather, cunning?


Jordan: Or both? Let's face it, if you're going to be cunning, being smart will help a lot.


TGFzdCBmcm9tIE1hcmMgIzU3DQoNCj5Kb3JkYW46IE9yIGJvdGg/IExldCdzIGZhY2UgaXQsIGlm IHlvdSdyZSBnb2luZyB0byBiZSBjdW5uaW5nLCBiZWluZyBzbWFydCB3aWxsIGhlbHAgYSBsb3Qu DQoNCkR1cjogQmFoLCB3aG8gbmVlZHMgdG8gYmUgc21hcnQ/IEl0IG9ubHkgbGVhZHMgdG8gb3Zl ciB0aGlua2luZyBldmVyeXRoaW5nIQ0KDQo7OzsgYnR3IEkgd2lsbCBiZSBvdXQgdG9tb3Jyb3cg YW5kIEZyaWRheSBiZWNhdXNlIEkgYW0gaGF2aW5nIGxhc2VycyBzaG90IGludG8gbXkgZXllcy4N Cg


Alice: In my experience, smartness doesn't really need to have anything to do with cunning linguists.

;;; Ew!


TGFzdCBmcm9tIENvbm9yICM1OQ0KDQo+QWxpY2U6IEluIG15IGV4cGVyaWVuY2UsIHNtYXJ0bmVz cyBkb2Vzbid0IHJlYWxseSBuZWVkIHRvIGhhdmUgYW55dGhpbmcgdG8gZG8gd2l0aCBjdW5uaW5n IGxpbmd1aXN0cy4NCg0KRHVyOiBBbmQgaG93IGV4dGVuc2l2ZSBpcyB0aGF0ICdleHBlcmllbmNl Jz8NCg0KPjs7OyBFdyENCg0KOzs7IExldHMganVzdCBob3BlIHRoZXkgYXJlIGJldHRlciBkb2N0 b3JzIHRoYW4gRHVyIGlzIQ0K


Alice: Extensive.

;;; Let's just hope they ARE doctors!


Charlie: [Nods obliviously] Indeed, Deuce was a skilled linguist and helped us translate the prophecy, though to be fair you were not really involved with him very long.

;;; Have a good eye-laserin', Kevin!


Jordan: Even the smallest amount of time can be of the utmost importance.

;;; I hope they are real Doctors and don't do this

;;; https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nGI1fzYqZLM

;;; Though if I was a real doctor I would do it anyway for the kicks


Clint: You people make me sick, worrying about your sex lives at a time like this, when we have a world to save! I'd expect that from Chuck, but et tu, Bimbo?

;;; Likewise! Also, let's hope that this (a) sends and (b) did not

already send.


Alice: Will there be cunning linguists at the porn film?

Fletch: Totes!


Jordan: But Clint, everybody likes a skilled cunning linguist!

;;; I'm totally not awake today. It took me way longer than it should

have to get that play on words.


Clint: Sure, so rather than talking about how much we want to find a cunning linguist, let's just go do it!


Fletch: Alright! To the porn set! Finley will be totes thrilled!


Charlie: Oh, how marvelous! Is my mother with Alistair, as well?!


Fletch: I dunno. Is she a dwarf hooker?


Clint: Not something I'd be wanting to think about if I were you, Sarge, given our recent discussions!


Jordan: Maybe Alistair is her cunning linguist. Or does he only cater for dwarf hookers?


Charlie: [Baffled] Alistair Finley is the father of modern cryptozoology, not a linguist! [To Fletch] And my mother is not a dwarf or a ship. Now, do be sensible, and take us to Alistair at once. We shall ask him for his assistance ourselves.


Fletch: Totes! We just need to stop at the school uniform shop.


Charlie: [Firmly] You may do that after you deliver us. [To Pinky, in a low voice] Do keep your woman in line, please!


Austin : [To Pinky] She's just going through a 'stage', we hope she will grow out of it soon.


Pinky: Yeah, she was like that when I worked for Pestilence too. Yap, yap, yap! We're likely to be arrested unless we turn up without school uniforms.


Charlie: Why on earth would that be the case?! Who is making these inexplicable rules?


Pinky: HARMA. If they think we're scientists, they'll arrest us.


Austin : [Looks over the party] I think we are okay on that one. However, two school uniforms would go well with Alice and Charlie. They are most sciencey of all of us.


Pinky: [Looks Austin up and down] Spoken like a true scientist.


Austin : Lawyer. The differences is in the charm, charisma, good looks and the 15k GC suit.


Pinky: Don't forget the complete absence of morality.


Charlie: Indeed! But are we to wear both unicorn and school costumes?! Will that not look rather odd?


Pinky: That would look ridiculous. All we need to do is wear school uniforms and carry a bunch of cushions in the shape of kangaroos.


Clint: I'm probably going to regret this, but why kangaroos?


Jordan: [To Clint] If it makes you feel any better Stinky, you just took the words right out of my mouth.


Pinky: It's what the public want. [Disgust] Damned perverts.

Fletch: [Sits behind the wheel] Totes uni?


Charlie: [Delighted] At last! [Dramatically] To the university!


Alice: There's a sex shop at the university?

Pinky: And every possible drug you could imagine.

Alice: At least some things haven't changed.

[Exit ALL, zooming off into the distance.]

;;; End of scene, next one coming right up


[Book IX, Act X, Scene II. Approaching Nostalgia University. ALICE, AUSTIN, CHARLIE, CLINT, DUR, JORDAN, RED, PINKY and FLETCH are here, all crammed into the carriage.]

Alice: So Nostalgia University isn't in Nostalgia?

Pinky: It was, but they felt that things were better in the past, so they moved it.


Jordan: You mean we have to travel through time to get there? What is it with all the time travel lately?


Clint: Occupational hazard. You get used to it. Not that I think we'll have to worry about that here. I mean, you really think these two could manage it? No offense, Fletch.


Austin : [To Clint] If you can manage it then anyone can. No offense, Mr Scar. [Giggles]


Jordan: He doesn't, we do, he's just along the for ride.


Content-Type: text/plain; charset="iso-8859-1" Content-Transfer-Encoding: quoted-printable

Red: Do get a say in the apparent time travel? As far as I know I never traveled in time=2C I did once lose track of a week of time however. =



Alice: Of course you have! You've travelled forward in time, right? In fact, you're doing it right now. [Pause] And now. [Pause] And now.

Pinky: They didn't move the university to the past, they moved it to the countryside.

;;; Kev is out having lasers fired in his eyes

Dur: Life is always simpler in the countryside. There are several rural areas in which I can still legally practice medicine!


Charlie: Splendid! We could all use a bracing walk. [To Pinky] To the university!


Alice: So science is illegal but shooting porn isn't?

Pinky: Oh no, shooting porn is highly illegal.


Charlie: Then how do you get away with it?!


Pinky: All the HARMA operatives are too afraid of catching some sort of filthy disease off us. [Takes a drink from Alice's can of coke, before handing it back, burping] Tha-nks.

Alice: Ew! You can keep it.

Fletch: Haw! Totes burn!


Austin : Do you have filthy diseases?


Jordan: [Sounding almost philosophical] Of course that then brings about the question, is there such a thing as a clean disease?


Austin : Aging?


Clint: Isn't the more important question whether we're actually going to catch any of these disease that HARMA is afraid of? I mean, they're probably just stupid, but blind squirrels and nuts and all that jazz!


Alice: What did you do with blind squirrel jizz?

Fletch: Probably spread it all over -- at least, if he wanted a nice, manly covering of hair!

Pinky: What filthy diseases have we got? [Sly look] Whaddya want?


Austin : We do not want any diseases, that's the point! [Looks alarmed at the jizz conversation]


Sorry for the short notice, but out until Thursday!


Alice: Yeah! We've got our own diseases, thanks very much! [Folds her arms defiantly]

;;; And we're back! Sorry about the short notice


Charlie: [Nods] Indeed, this party's unusually high rate of sexually transmitted diseases [nods subtly to Alice, Austin, Alice, Clint, and then Alice again] when compared to the general population should not affect our ability to perform heroically in service of the realms!


Alice: And don't forget Charlie, I mean, her husband's name is Pestilence! That's some sort of disease, right?


Austin : [Frowns at Charlie's statement. To Fletch] Despite her implied claims, she does not represent the rest of the party.


Charlie: [Primly] I would thank you to remember my husband was a virgin when we married, and quite free of disease!


Alice: But that's no longer true, of course.


Charlie: [Aghast] Are you suggesting that my own sexual history is riddled with disease?! My sexual partners were all scientists, careful--and largely chaste--by nature!


Austin : [Grinning] Did you review independent tests of their chastenesses?


Alice: [Triumphantly] Deuce certainly had a pile of diseases!


Charlie: [Flustered] Yes, well, I fear we may have gotten a bit off-task with this discussion! [To Fletch] Do take us to Alistair at once, preferably in silence so that we might all reflect upon the task ahead.


Fletch: Sure, but unless you turn up wearing school uniforms, you're gonna look like a bunch of weirdoes.


Charlie: [Commandingly] Very well, then--to the costume store!


TGFzdCBmcm9tIEhlYXRoZXIgIzI4DQoNCj5DaGFybGllOiBbQ29tbWFuZGluZ2x5XSBWZXJ5IHdl bGwsIHRoZW4tLXRvIHRoZSBjb3N0dW1lIHN0b3JlIQ0KDQpEdXI6IFNvbWV0aW1lcyBJIGZlYXIg d2Ugc3BlbmQgZW50aXJlbHkgdG9vIG11Y2ggdGltZSBpbiBjb3N0dW1lLi4uIEkgbWVhbiwgYW0g SSBzdGlsbCBhIGRvY3RvciBvciBwc3ljaG90aWMgY2xvd24gdW5pY29ybiBudW4gc2VydmluZyB0 ZWE/IFdoZXJlIGRvIHRoZSBsaWVzIGVuZD8gDQo


Alice: [Roars with laughter] Oh, Dur! You were NEVER a doctor! That was just playing!

[The party approach a building marked "Department of Anthropology".]

;;; How're those eyes, Kev??


Clint: C'mon, doc. Some of our most famous doctors dressed up as psychotic clown unicorn nuns. Admittedly, they're all serial killers, but you can't have everything!


TGFzdCBmcm9tIENvbm9yICMzMA0KDQo+QWxpY2U6IFtSb2FycyB3aXRoIGxhdWdodGVyXSBPaCwg RHVyISBZb3Ugd2VyZSBORVZFUiBhIGRvY3RvciEgVGhhdCB3YXMganVzdCBwbGF5aW5nIQ0KPg0K PiAgICAgICAgW1RoZSBwYXJ0eSBhcHByb2FjaCBhIGJ1aWxkaW5nIG1hcmtlZCAiRGVwYXJ0bWVu dCBvZiBBbnRocm9wb2xvZ3kiLl0NCg0KRHVyOiBUaGF0J3MgYSBzdHJhbmdlIG5hbWUgZm9yIGEg Y29zdHVtZSBzaG9wLiANCg0KPjs7OyBIb3cncmUgdGhvc2UgZXllcywgS2V2Pz8NCg0KOzs7IEp1 c3QgZGFuZHkhIFN0aWxsIGEgbGl0dGxlIGRyeSBhbmQgc29yZSBidXQgdmVyeSBjbGVhci4gDQo


Charlie: [Suddenly excited] Oh, is it really an Anthropology Department with a collection of costumes from various cultures and so forth?! How thrilling! And I thought we would be going through bin after bin of horrid itchy wigs and glow-in-the-dark fishnets stockings at some pitiful costumers!


Alice: Hey! Like these? [Pulls up her skirt to show her trashy glow-in-the-dark fishnet stockings]


Content-Type: text/plain; charset="iso-8859-1" Content-Transfer-Encoding: quoted-printable

Red: [frowns] I have the sudden urge to grab a squid costume. 3B=3B=3B Let's be clear....... [smiles] the surgery worked? --_8501e70c-40bc-49c1-85f0-d6a1a1f59a22_


Clint: I don't know what kind of school uniforms you guys had, but I don't think you'll be able to find mine in there!


Austin : Not a fan of fishnets?


Alice: If there's any god, Clint, then I think it's a safe bet that any uniform you owned has long since been destroyed!


Clint: I sure as hell hope not! If I had to put up with that uniform, I want generations of little kids to suffer through the same thing!

;;; We don't normally do school uniforms over here, but I spent my

formative years in a white polo shirt,

;;; red sweater-vest and blue corduroy trousers. It was humiliating

and strangely nationalistic.


Alice: I loved my school uniform! Just between us, the shortness of the skirt was half the reason I was able to pass my reddening exams!


Charlie: [Nods] Uniforms are quite sensible and free a student from worrying about unimportant matters! Wilhelmina wore one even when she was being home-schooled.

;;; Poor Tom! You should see the skirts they make these

;;; Irish girls wear! The hems drag the ground, yikes!


Alice: That's just what Deucie used to say when he got me my ones!


Austin : [Admiring his own left arm] I had no intention of being this beautiful when I woke up this morning, but as you know, somethings are simply beyond our control. [Sighs]

;;;awa hame!


Clint: Well, let's just get this over with! [Heads for the entrance so he can costume up.]

;;; An ankle is a dangerous thing!


[The party enter the building, and find themselves inside the seediest looking sex shop they've ever seen. A shop assistant, GADY LAGA, gives them a whithering look.]

Gady: Oh. My. Dog. [Pause] Looks better than you people. [Opens up a box on the table]

[The BOX roars with laughter, and continues to do so until GADY closes it again.]

Alice: Wow! This place is great!


Charlie: [Looks around, wrinkling her nose] Yes. [To Gady] Shopkeep, have you any school uniforms available?


Gady: No! What do you think this is? Some sort of disgusting sex shop?

Alice: Maybe she thought it was a clothes shop?


Jordan: [Trying to be charming] Actually we thought it was a rather clean and reputable sex shop. Only the best sex shops stock school uniforms after all.


Gady: [Brazenly standing in front of a huge display of school uniforms] We don't sell school uniforms.


Content-Type: text/plain; charset="iso-8859-1" Content-Transfer-Encoding: quoted-printable

Red: Would you perhaps have any magic=2C grade increasing=2C attention demanding=2C short rimmed skirts with matching tops? Preferably of the not-wind= -resistant variety. --_8b4b745a-1848-4b12-842c-09cec26a95f9_


Gady: Look, Harc, this is a University department, nothing disgusting or perverted ever goes on here.

[The party are momentarily distracted by a bunch naked of men in beards running past the outside window, being chased by a woman in wearing nothing more than a llama mask.]


Austin : [Selects a schoolboy out fit. To Gady] May I try this on for size?


Gady: You certainly may not! They are for display only! You people need to leave!


Charlie: [Sighs] That is most disappointing, as we are conducting an important Anthropological study! [To Gady] Perhaps we could make you a co-author on the paper if you could lend us these splendid examples of tribal dress?


Gady: Certainly not.

Alice: [To the others, quietly] This is a total waste of time! Why did they bring us here?


Austin : [Examing the cloth of the uniform] Perhaps Mr Scar could be a little more persuasive?


Jordan: [In a threatening manner] Give us what we want or I swear I will recite my most depressing poetry to you repeatedly until you do!


Gady: Do your worst, bitch.


Jordan: Challenge accepted! [Starts to recite his most jolly and happy poetry.]


Charlie: [Holding her hands over her ears] It's all too horrible! [Tries to grab a few school uniforms while Gady is distracted]


Content-Type: text/plain; charset="iso-8859-1" Content-Transfer-Encoding: quoted-printable

Red: Before you do=2C hypothetically=2C how much would a costume cost for all of us? =



Austin : OOh, do that one, errm, oh yes "Just to hold you close to me". That was so bad I nearly regurgitated my breakfast when I heard it.


Gady: [Apparently enjoying the poetry, but points a double barrelled crossbow at Charlie] It doesn't matter how much I like the poems, you're not getting anything.

[PINKY leads FLETCH over on his hands and knees, with a leash attached to him.]

Pinky: What's going on?

Gady: These guys think this place is a sex shop! They're a bunch of Harcs.


Charlie: I can assure you, we are not even familiar with the term [finger quotes] Harcs!


TGFzdCBmcm9tIEhlYXRoZXIgIzU3DQoNCj5DaGFybGllOiBJIGNhbiBhc3N1cmUgeW91LCB3ZSBh cmUgbm90IGV2ZW4gZmFtaWxpYXIgd2l0aCB0aGUgdGVybSBbZmluZ2VyIHF1b3Rlc10gSGFyY3Mh DQoNCkR1cjogW01ha2VzIGEgcGxhY2F0aW5nIGdlc3R1cmVdIE5vdyBub3csIHRoZXJlIGlzIG5v IHJlYXNvbiB0byBnZXQgc28gcG9pbnRlZCEgW0VsYm93cyBBbGljZV0gR2V0IGl0PyBCZWNhdXNl IG9mIHRoZSBjcm9zc2JvdyEgW1RyaWVkIHRvIGNhc3QgRU5USFJBTExdIEknbSBzdXJlIHRoaXMg aGFzIGJlZW4ganVzdCBvbmUgYmlnIG1pc3VuZGVyc3RhbmRpbmcuIERpZCB5b3Ugbm90IGdldCB0 aGUgbWVtbyBvZiB1cyBuZWVkaW5nIHRoZXNlIGNvc3R1bWVzPw0K


Gady: No, you should have told me! Work away, I was just afraid you were Harcs, I mean, look at how you're dressed.


Clint: [Nods understandingly.] Now you know why we need the costumes!


TGFzdCBmcm9tIFRvbSAjNjANCg0KPkNsaW50OiBbTm9kcyB1bmRlcnN0YW5kaW5nbHkuXSBOb3cg eW91IGtub3cgd2h5IHdlIG5lZWQgdGhlIGNvc3R1bWVzIQ0KDQpEdXI6IFJpZ2h0LiBbUnVzaGlu ZyB0aGUgZ3JvdXAgYWxvbmddIE5vdyB0aGF0IHdlIGhhdmUgdGhhdCBmaWd1cmVkIG91dCwgc3Vp dCB1cCB0ZWFtLiBObyB0aW1lIHRvIGRlbGF5LiBMZXQncyBnZXQgb3V0IG9mIHRoaXMgZ29vZCB3 b21hbidzIHdheSBzbyBzaGUgY2FuIGNvbnRpbnVlIGhlciBleGVtcGxhcnkgc2VydmljZSENCg0K DQo


Clint: [Reluctantly grabs a costume.] People better not find out about this. The time we dressed up as nuns, fine. Unicorns? Okay. But *this* is crossing a line!


Charlie: [Taking a uniform. To Clint] Fear not, Mr. Scar! It will not be necessary for you to actually successfully perform any scholarly duties to wear this uniforn!


Clint: [Somewhat mollified.] Well, at least it's a start!


Austin : There might be some caneing going on though.


Jordan: [Starts reaching for a uniform and stops suddenly, turning to Gady] Wait a minute. Harcs? Is that some kind of derogatory term for HARMA?


Gady: Yeah, because they're like Narcs, except worse, and they work for HARMA.


Jordan: Who or what are Narcs? We hate HARMA.


Austin : Well, last time we saw the Harcs they were trying to kill us, so we should change into uniforms asap and get to the porno. [Looks around the shop for other useful equipment] We might need some supplies.


Charlie: Yes, I do hope you have some notepads to go with these school uniforms? I am down to my last dozen. [Chooses a super-dowdy floor-length brown plaid skirt to pair with a long-sleeved white blouse with a high neck]


Alice: [Chooses the shortest, sluttiest skirt there] Oh man! It's longer than my own!

Gady: [To Charlie] Oh, god, no, we just sell sex stuff. The Harcs are even more sinister than normal HARMA types. Sweat, bad breath, everything.

Alice: Very hard to spot?

Gady: Not really, especially the ones who sweat a lot, but not all of them are like that.

Alice: [Looks at Clint] Goddamned Harc.


Austin : [Shudders at the description of the Harcs] They sound vile! [Puts on a school boys uniform and shorts to match, carefully rolling down the socks unevenly. Looks for a good strong length of silk rope]


Content-Type: text/plain; charset="iso-8859-1" Content-Transfer-Encoding: quoted-printable

Lost from Dom #71

Red: [Appears from the back in blue robes and hat with a school boys uniform over his arm] Are we going for actual school clothes or undercover? 3B=3B=3Bhttp://img1.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20120220023936/runescape/images/d/dc/Wizard_hat_(blue)_detail.png =



Lost from Maikel #72

Jordan: Well everyone else seems to be going for the school clothes, though I wouldn't mind looking more like a teacher than a student. [To Gady] You still haven't said what a Narc is.


Clint: [Looking distinctly uncomfortable in a ratty old uniform] How about either, as long as we can get out of here ASAP?


Gady: That's right. I did tell you what a Harc is, though. Like a Narc but they work for HARMA.

Alice: What's a Narc?

Gady: Kind of like a Harc, but not as bad.


Charlie: [Decisively] Well, we are neither, but we are in quite a hurry! [To the party] Has everyone their costume?


Jordan: Not yet! [Grabs a school boy costume that will fit and goes to get changed]


Gady: [Surveys the sorry scene in front of her] Excellent! Now, are you [finger quotes] actors? [Wink]


Clint: [Incensed.] Do we look gay to you?!


Gady: A little.


TGFzdCBmcm9tIENvbm9yICM3OQ0KDQo+R2FkeTogQSBsaXR0bGUuDQoNCkR1cjogW1Vuc3VycHJp c2VkXSBZb3UncmUgbm90IHRoZSBmaXJzdCBwZXJzb24gdG8gc2F5IHRoYXQuIA0K


Clint: [Grinding his teeth now.] C'mon, guys, let's get out of here and do what we came here to do so we can change out of these stupid costumes!


Alice: Good idea, Clint! Uh, where are we supposed to go?

Gady: That depends on whether or not you are [winks] actors.


Charlie: Oh, indeed we are, if that means we can go at once to the university!


Gady: Outstanding! Now, go at once the Eremology Department and tell them you're there to clean their pool.


Clint: [Suspiciously.] Are you having us on?


TGFzdCBmcm9tIFRvbSAjODUNCg0KPkNsaW50OiBbU3VzcGljaW91c2x5Ll0gQXJlIHlvdSBoYXZp bmcgdXMgb24/DQoNCkR1cjogW1N1ZGRlbmx5IHBldHJpZmllZF0gUC1wLXAtb29sPyBJdCdzIG5v dCBmaWxsZWQgd2l0aCB3LXctd2F0ZXIgaXMgaXQ/DQoNCg0K


Austin : [Doing up his tie] They are by the usual definition, Dur. But don't worry, it is unlikely to be clean after you get into it. [Wriggles a little] They didn't design these to go with thongs, did they.


Jordan: Well, it could be an empty pool and they need the walls and floor of it cleaned. Unlikely, but it's an option.


Charlie: [Excited] Eremology?! I have always wanted to learn more about deserts! [To the party] Oh, this will be fascinating.


Alice: That's true, Aus, but at least they are pull off. [Points to the velcro straps on the shorts]

Gady: The Eremology Department is just across the street from here. Their pool is [salaciously rubs herself against the counter] very, very dirrrrrty.


Alice: Learn stuff? Oh man! This is getting worse than worse!

Pinky: Don't you mean worse and worse?

Alice: If only!

[Exit the PARTY.]

;;; End of scene, next one coming right up


[Book IX, Act X, Scene III. The Eremology Department. ALICE, AUSTIN, CHARLIE, CLINT, DUR, JORDAN and RED are here, outside the entrance.]

Alice: What is Eremology?


Jordan: [Smugly] The science of studying the desert and it's many mysteries. You would know that if you were a real school girl.


Alice: [Nasal voice] Science of studying desserts. You would know that if you were a real dork!


Jordan: [Sounding Scottish] Damnit Alice, are you out of your bimbo mind? I'm a poetically magical musician, not a chef!


Alice: Look, Jeff, can you stop thinking about your stomach for five minutes while we save the world?


Charlie: [Scribbling furiously] Do be quiet! I am writing down everything I ever wanted to ask an eremologist, and I am only up to 246!


Austin : [Watching Charlie make her list] I hope that includes coping strategies for extreme disappointment.


Alice: I only have one question. What's an Eremologist?


Jordan: [Rolls eyes] A food critic who specialises in desserts. They are especially known for their universal love of Sticky Kaka Pie.


Alice: Sor-ree! I didn't realise you were such an expert in Sticky Kaka!


Jordan: You flatter me Alice, I only wish I was that good.


TGFzdCBmcm9tIERyZXcgIzExDQoNCj5Kb3JkYW46IFlvdSBmbGF0dGVyIG1lIEFsaWNlLCBJIG9u bHkgd2lzaCBJIHdhcyB0aGF0IGdvb2QuDQoNCkR1cjogQ2FyZWZ1bCB3aGF0IHlvdSB3aXNoIGZv ciB3aGlsZSBvbiB0aGUgc2V0IG9mIGEgcG9ybm8gbXkgZ29vZCBtYW4uIA0K


Jordan: [To Dur] I shall, of course, defer to your better judgment, which I assume is gathered from personal experience?


Charlie: [Disapprovingly] That is quite enough bickering! [Shakes her notepad] Now, I really must get these 694 questions answered!


Jordan: 694? [Laughs] You must be on a diet Charlie!


Clint: Focus, Sarge! We have more important things to do than answering your questions here! Maybe you can just leave your list with the eremologist and he can send you a letter with the answer.


Alice: What letter? A? Because that's the coolest one!


Charlie: [Fretfully] Well, I have written to the International Society of Eremology and Stuff many times, but they always return my letters unread! [To the party] They really are terribly elitist, I'm afraid. [Pats Dur on the head] Sharpen my pencil, won't you, boy?


Jordan: [Reaches for the door handle] Shall we go in then?


Austin : It is never good to arrive last at a porno, let's get moving!


[The door is locked, but, seconds after JORDAN tries it, the party hear it being unlocked. Enter JAY SCOTTY, a sleazy looking guy in an overly tight t-shirt.]

Jay: 'sup?


Charlie: [Flirting awkwardly, in a ridiculous high-pitched voice] Hellllo? We are here for the adult film-making. [Winks] We are ever so keen to participate!


Jordan: [Whines like an emo] But Chaz! I thought we were here to clean the pool!


Clint: I thought we were here to [air quotes] clean the pool.


Jay: This is the Eremology Department, we don't have any poo--oh!

[From deep within the building the party can hear the unmistakable sound "Bom chika bom!" playing on a stereo.]


Clint: That sounds like our cue. Also, our friend here has a couple of thousand questions she wants to ask you. We'll just go on in while you look over the list, yeah?


Jay: Oh yeah, I've got a deep, dirty pool that needs cleaning, and you look like just the little boy to do it.

Alice: Ew!


Austin : [Looking a little pale] Lead the way, please, Mr Scar.


Clint: [Looking around cautiously.] Yeah. Uh, in we go. To clean the pool. This sounds like a job for Dur! [Leads the way in.]


Jordan: Yeah, let's not let Clint anywhere near it.


Jay: [Gives Jordan a creepy smile] Come on in, [licks his lips] Dur.


Charlie: [Blocks Jay's access to Dur] We shall all go inside, of course. And, naturally, Dur will do any laboring, along with Mr. Scar!


Jordan: [To Jay] Wait, what? I'm not Dur! He is! [Points to the real Dur]

;;; He was giving Jordan the creepy smile when he said Dur's name so

assuming he thought Jordan was Dur.


Jay: I don't care who you are, sexy.


Austin : [To Jordan] I think you have made a new friend! [Hands Jordan a tube of lubricant, handcuffs, and some sparkle dust]


Jordan: Do I even want to know where you were hiding these?


Charlie: [Firmly] I can assure you, you do not! [To Jay] Now, can we assist you? [Looks around cautiously] We should like to stay off of the streets as much as possible!


Austin : Hidden? I've only had them a few minutes, they are braind new! You should be more grateful when your leader gives you gifts.


Jordan: [To Austin] I thought you were just the mascot.


Austin : Yes, well, we don't need you for your wits or brain power, fortunately.


Jay: I think I just need you all for horribly violating.

[Slams the door with an ominous crash.]

Jay: [Pauses a beat] And scene! [The music stops] What can I do for you guys?


Austin : Champagne would be nice.


Charlie: [Checks her notes, then clears her voice] Ahem! We are here to clean your pool.


Content-Type: text/plain; charset="iso-8859-1" Content-Transfer-Encoding: quoted-printable

Red: [Looks at Charlie] But.... aren't we... [Looks confused and ponders] =



Jay: What are you? Some sort of porno actors? This is the Eremology Department -- what would we want with a pool?


TGFzdCBmcm9tIENvbm9yICM0Ng0KDQo+SmF5OiBXaGF0IGFyZSB5b3U/IFNvbWUgc29ydCBvZiBw b3JubyBhY3RvcnM/IFRoaXMgaXMgdGhlIEVyZW1vbG9neSBEZXBhcnRtZW50IC0tIHdoYXQgd291 bGQgd2Ugd2FudCB3aXRoIGEgcG9vbD8NCg0KRHVyOiBZb3UnbGwgaGF2ZSB0byBmb3JnaXZlIHVz LCB3aXRoIGFsbCBvZiBvdXIgcmVjZW50IGNvc3R1bWUgY2hhbmdlcyBsYXRlbHkgd2UgYXJlIGhh dmluZyBzb21ldGhpbmcgb2YgYW4gaWRlbnRpdHkgY3Jpc2lzLiANCg


Jay: Well, let me assure you, there is no pornography here!


TGFzdCBmcm9tIENvbm9yICM0OA0KDQo+SmF5OiBXZWxsLCBsZXQgbWUgYXNzdXJlIHlvdSwgdGhl cmUgaXMgbm8gcG9ybm9ncmFwaHkgaGVyZSENCg0KRHVyOiBBbmQgbm8gcG9vbHMgZWl0aGVyPyBU aGVuIGhvdyBhcmUgd2UgdG8gY2xlYW4gaXQ/DQo


Austin : [Looks confused] But we are porno actors. And some of us like Deserts too. You are aware, and fully up to date with the Universities equal opportunities policy aren't you?

;;;; where are Fletch and Pinky?


Jay: If you're looking for the real porn, then you're in the wrong place!

;;; Stayed behind in the sex shop!


Austin : Let me guess, it's in the back of the sex shop yes?


Jay: I don't know -- all I know is that isn't here. And I've checked!


Jordan: But the sex shop owner said it was here!


Austin : So one of them must be lying, and the only clue we have is that one of them had loud porno music playing very recently.


Alice: Wait a minute! Are we looking for pornography or for scientists? I mean, I know if you find the latter that the former is rarely far away, but still!


Jordan: [To Alice] We are looking for both. We're looking for Charlie's mother, and she is presumably at the porno [to Charlie] right?


;;; Heather is AFK

Charlie: Well, she is a keen ornithologist, but if you are speaking in terms of pornography, I suspect she is less interested, unless from a sociological perspective.

Jay: We're scientists, not pornographers. That's just a front for HARMA!


TGFzdCBmcm9tIENvbm9yICM1OA0KDQo+Q2hhcmxpZTogV2VsbCwgc2hlIGlzIGEga2VlbiBvcm5p dGhvbG9naXN0LCBidXQgaWYgeW91IGFyZSBzcGVha2luZyBpbiB0ZXJtcyBvZiBwb3Jub2dyYXBo eSwgSSBzdXNwZWN0IHNoZSBpcyBsZXNzIGludGVyZXN0ZWQsIHVubGVzcyBmcm9tIGEgc29jaW9s b2dpY2FsIHBlcnNwZWN0aXZlLg0KPg0KPkpheTogV2UncmUgc2NpZW50aXN0cywgbm90IHBvcm5v Z3JhcGhlcnMuIFRoYXQncyBqdXN0IGEgZnJvbnQgZm9yIEhBUk1BIQ0KDQpEdXI6IFRoZW4gbWF5 YmUgd2UgYXJlIGhlcmUgdG8gY2xlYW4gdGhlIEdFTkUgcG9vbD8NCg


Content-Type: text/plain; charset="iso-8859-1" Content-Transfer-Encoding: quoted-printable

Red: Well=2C we have got an in-GENE-ious person with us [looks to Charlie] =



Alice: She's not in jeans, she's in a school uniform!

Charlie: I believe it was a rather clever and apt play with words, Alice. [To Jay] So, this is actually an Eremology Department and not the scene of a pornographic movie?

Jay: That's right. For porn, you probably want the Pomology Department.


Jordan: [To Charlie] We could always just ask him if he knows your mother, and if he knows where she is.


Austin : [To Charlie] So which is your grandmother most likely to be at? Gertrude is you grandmother, right?


Clint: Seems to me w should head over to Pomology, which is where we'll find Gertrude, anyway...


Jay: If you're not here for porn, then why are you here? You guys did call to me, after all!


Austin : We are here for porn and science with Charlie's aunty, it's just often too confusing for people to have it all explained, even in simple nascent nomenclature.

;;;; I am AFK onthe next three fridays, including tomorrow :)


Jay: Especially when you clearly don't understand the word nascent. If you're here for porn, go to the Pomology Department, if you're here for science and stuff, then ask your question. We know everything.

Alice: About desserts?

Jay: [Rubs his stomach] Try me.

;;; Fine for some!


Charlie: [Excited, to Jay] Oh, how wonderful! [Flips open a notepad] Have you made a link between deserts and the reveals we have seen in the realms recently?


Jay: There's no link -- the spacing of the Reveals seems immune to them. The spread of deserts taken in by them is proportionally the same as other areas in the Realms.


Austin : [Straightening his cuff] And is there any link between the reveals and the porno?


Jay: The amount of scientists working in areas directly or indirectly related to porn has increased by 5000%. However, that isn't necessarily caused by the Reveals, it could also be caused by HARMA cracking down on science.


Clint: There are dark days ahead for the world of porn!

;;; So I've come down with something and am spending truly staggering

amount of time in bed.

;;; Hopefully this will not take me long to kick.


Charlie: [Raises an eyebrow] Somehow this course of conversation reminds me--by any chance is Dr. Alistair Finley working with all of you?


Jay: He sure is! They have him over in the Ecogastronomy Department.


Charlie: Splendid! And what about Dr. Helena Parker-Kensington?


TGFzdCBmcm9tIENvbm9yICM3Ng0KDQo+SmF5OiBPaCBzdXJlLCBzaGUncyB3aXRoIGhpbS4gU2hl J3Mgb25lIGZlaXN0eSBsaXR0bGUgbGFkeS4NCg0KRHVyOyBbQ292ZXJzIGhpcyBlYXJzXSBIb3Bl ZnVsbHkgd2UgYXJlIG5vdCB0YWxraW5nIGFib3V0IHBvcm4gYWdhaW4hDQo


Jay: Oh sure, she's with him. She's one feisty little lady.


Jordan: [To Jay] Excellent! [To Charlie] Well, not we know where to go, come on! [To Jay] Thanks for you help. [Makes a hasty retreat]


Charlie: How wonderful! [Claps her hands. To the party] Chop, chop! To the Ecogastronomy Department!


Clint: Just so long as we're all clear that there will be no cleaning pools and no porn! [Chop chops.]


;;; Dom is out today

Austin: [Straightens a cuff] Indeed. One would certainly hope that a scientist of Professor Finley's renown is being put to good use and is, as we speak, working on a way in which to reverse the Reveals and save the world. What is Professor Finley doing?

Jay: The last I saw, they had him fucking a dwarf.

;;; And with that, we will end the scene! More on Monday!


;;; Dom is out today

Austin: [Straightens a cuff] Indeed. One would certainly hope that a scientist of Professor Finley's renown is being put to good use and is, as we speak, working on a way in which to reverse the Reveals and save the world. What is Professor Finley doing?

Jay: The last I saw, they had him fucking a dwarf.

;;; And with that, we will end the scene! More on Monday!


[Book X, Act X, Scene IV. The Campus. ALICE, AUSTIN, CHARLIE, CLINT, DUR, JORDAN and RED are making their way across campus using a completely incomprehensible student map, that is so littered with advertisements for cheap beer and parts in porn films, it is virtually impossible to read. The party soon come face to face with huge man, at least six and a half feet tall, clearly in his late fifties, dressed in a sports uniform in the varsity colours. This is RAM HA.]

Ram: Hello fellow students!


Charlie: Hello athletics coach! Isn't the [vaguely] team splendid this year? Oh, I do so enjoy, ah, sporting activities!


Ram: Ho. [Checks a note in his hand] Ho. I'm not a coach, I'm young student, like you. I enjoy drinking and not studying, as well as public urination.


Charlie: [Horrified] That isn't proper student behavior! [Gestures to the party] WE, on the other hand, quite enjoy bracing sunrise debates and group study sessions on Friday and Saturday nights! [Emphatically] AND indoor plumbing!


Jordan: [To Charlie] Speak for yourself Chaz! I for one love getting drunk! [To Ram] Nothing like being wasted while trying to do some indoor plumbing right?


Ram: Uh.. yeah! I sure hope we can find some adults to buy us beer and cigarettes. [Looks at the map] Are you kids lost?


Austin : Sort of. We are looking for the Ecogastronomy Department.


Ram: Gear! That's just where I'm going! We can go together. Maybe play some Ultimate Frisbee on the way!


Austin : [Clearly has no idea what could be ultimate about Frisbee] Er, yes, of course. I am sure come of my fellow students would be most excited by the prospect.


Charlie: [Also baffled] Indeed, we thrive during competitions such as that. [Quickly, to Ram] You start!


Ram: Uh, sure. [Takes a frisbee out of his pocket and sets it on fire] Catch! [Throws it to Charlie]

[The frisbee is thrown so fast that it flies over head and crashes into a building, getting embedded several inches into the wall.]

Alice: Er, good game.


Charlie: [Nods uncertainly] Yes, quite! [To Ram] Now that we have bonded through shared physical activity, do let us carry on to the Ecogastronomy Department.


Ram: Sure! Wow, it sure is fun being in a university that shoots so much pornography, isn't it? I bet the Olds would be shocked, as well as those meanies in HARMA. [Starts leading the party across campus]


TGFzdCBmcm9tIENvbm9yICMxMw0KDQo+UmFtOiBTdXJlISBXb3csIGl0IHN1cmUgaXMgZnVuIGJl aW5nIGluIGEgdW5pdmVyc2l0eSB0aGF0IHNob290cyBzbyBtdWNoIHBvcm5vZ3JhcGh5LCBpc24n dCBpdD8gSSBiZXQgdGhlIE9sZHMgd291bGQgYmUgc2hvY2tlZCwgYXMgd2VsbCBhcyB0aG9zZSBt ZWFuaWVzIGluIEhBUk1BLiBbU3RhcnRzIGxlYWRpbmcgdGhlIHBhcnR5IGFjcm9zcyA+Y2FtcHVz XQ0KDQpEdXI6IFtBc2lkZSB0byB0aGUgZ3JvdXBdIEFueW9uZSBlbHNlIGdldHRpbmcgYSB0cmFu Z2UgdmliZSBmcm9tIHRoaXMgZ3V5Pw0K


Austin : Indeed, but from what we have heard, the Olds might be the shocking, rather than the shocked [Smiles and wiggles his eye brows] . We have some work to do to regain our reputation, fortunately we have the Sarge and Alice with us! [Gives Alice and Charlie a wink] Veritable experts in the field of shock!


Clint: I'm with you on this, doc, but then we meet a lot of freaks in this line of work!


Alice: I'm not entirely sure this guy is a student at all!




Austin : Hmm, students are a pretty quirky bunch these days, but he seems unlikely for HARMA, I don't think they get issued with flaming Frisbee's. He's more like a Heirophantic knight. Or a psychopathic killer, it's never easy to tell the difference.


Clint: So what do we do about him, then? Boot to the face is always an old favorite.


Alice: Maybe he's one of those Harcs that we heard about?

Ram: [Leading the party] Come on, gang, let's get to the Department and start doing things that we think are fun, but that any decent, clean living person would think are an abominations.


Charlie: [To Ram] Er, that sounds splendid! Say, you wouldn't know any of those [finger quotes, and in a low voice] Harcs, would you?


Ram: Uh, no! I hate them. Ew!


Charlie: [Feigning disappointment] Oh? [In a low voice] My friend [gestures to Alice] and I were just saying it would be ever-so-dreamy to go to the Spring Sock Hop with a Bad Boy Archetype, like those Harcs!


Alice: Sure do, I think they're neat!

Ram: Yeah, they are definitely cool guys, and they are very daring, but it's important not to get mixed up with them. [Wink] Stay with me instead. [Wink]


Jordan: [To the guys, discreetly] I think the girls have lost it!


Austin : Sanity is clearly overrated.


Charlie: [Nods enthusiastically] Indeed, many of our greatest minds had merely a tenuous grasp on reality! [To Ram, winking awkwardly and flirting pitifully] Oh, yes! Quite! You rascal, you!


TGFzdCBmcm9tIEhlYXRoZXIgIzI3DQoNCj5DaGFybGllOiBbTm9kcyBlbnRodXNpYXN0aWNhbGx5 XSBJbmRlZWQsIG1hbnkgb2Ygb3VyIGdyZWF0ZXN0IG1pbmRzIGhhZCBtZXJlbHkgYSB0ZW51b3Vz IGdyYXNwIG9uIHJlYWxpdHkhICBbVG8gUmFtLCB3aW5raW5nIGF3a3dhcmRseSBhbmQgZmxpcnRp bmcgcGl0aWZ1bGx5XSBPaCwgeWVzISAgUXVpdGUhICBZb3UgcmFzY2FsLCB5b3UhDQoNCkR1cjog RG8geW91IGhhdmUgc29tZXRoaW5nIGluIHlvdXIgZXllIGdpcmw/IFBlcmhhcHMgSSBzaG91bGQg aGF2ZSBhIGxvb2sgYXQgaXQuLi4NCg


Ram: [Wink] Yes, something in her [wink] eye. Because we don't like [wink] Harcs.


Austin : [To the party] So what do we do now? Mr Scar, perhaps your suggestion is the best way forward?


Ram: Does his suggestion involve doing lots of studenty stuff?

[The party arrive at the Ecogastronomy Department, which is a large house set back from the main campus, with an open gate in front of it. There is a stack of pizzas outside.]


Charlie: [To Dur, sharply] Do not disgrace us by eating those pizzas! You will be fed on your usual schedule!


TGFzdCBmcm9tIEhlYXRoZXIgIzMyDQoNCj5DaGFybGllOiBbVG8gRHVyLCBzaGFycGx5XSBEbyBu b3QgZGlzZ3JhY2UgdXMgYnkgZWF0aW5nIHRob3NlIHBpenphcyEgWW91IHdpbGwgYmUgZmVkIG9u IHlvdXIgdXN1YWwgc2NoZWR1bGUhDQoNCkR1cjogW0ZyZWV6ZXMgYXMgaGUgZWRnZXMgY2xvc2Vy IHRvIHRoZSBQaXp6YV0gQnV0IHdoYXQgaWYgbXkgdXN1YWwgc2NoZWR1bGUgaXNuJ3QgdXN1YWwg ZW5vdWdoPyBbVHVybnMgdG8gUmFtXSBCZXNpZGVzLCB3aGF0IGlzIG1vcmUgc3R1ZGVudCB0aGFu IGEgc3RhY2sgb2YgcGl6emFzPw0K


Jordan: The boxes being empty?


Ram: Nothing other than getting a female co-ed drunk and taking photographs of her to put on Fakebook! [To Alice] What do you say?

Alice: Sure, I'm game!


Clint: [Shakes his head.] Can't do it without getting you nice and drunk too, Ram ol' buddy. Here, let me find you something really, really strong.

;;; I presume there's something we could use - boot to the face, if

all else fails! - to take care of Ram

;;; while handing him liquor.


Ram: Let's bring in some pizzas first! [Picks up a pizza box]

;;; No opportunity yet!


Jordan: [Picking up a pizza box] Yeah, okay. [To Charlie] I hope we find your family soon!


Charlie: [Nods to Jordan, in a low voice] As do I! [Discreetly tries to look inside the pizza box]


[Everyone crowds around CHARLIE's pizza box.]

Alice: Ew! What the hell is that?

[It contains a pizza that looks weeks old. RAM turns to look, as CHARLIE slams the box shut.]

Ram: What's up, gang?


Austin : [To Charlie] If you have quite finished foraging through the garbage, perhaps we can get a move on. [To Ram] Please excuse her behaviour, she was not well cared for as a child.


Ram: Haw! Us students sure do make funny jokes with each other. Now, everyone, grab a pizza!


Jordan: [To Ram] I'm not sure these pizzas are safe. Maybe you should sample some to make sure you aren't poisoning the other students?


Charlie: [Falls in line to follow Ram] Right, hurry along group! [To the party, quietly] We shall learn soon enough why this food looks only fit for Dur!


Jordan: Ah, but how do you know they are safe without checking them first? Surely it is impolite to give someone a gift which might kill them? Unless of course you are an assassin. Are you an assassin? Are you HARMA disguised as a student intending to kill the real students with poisoned pizzas?


Ram: Certainly not! Besides, if I was going to poison the students I'd use better looking pizza than this!

Alice: [Gasp] So you have thought about poisoning them!


Charlie: [To Alice, scolding] Just you face a lecture hall packed with hung-over, poorly fed, overcaffeinated graduate students and try to NOT think about it!!


Jordan: A few names spring to mind of professors and lecturers who have thought about poisoning themselves in that situation.


Austin : [Looks ponderous] My father used to talk a lot about poisoning himself. [Smiles] We always use to tell him to get on with it. [Brightly] Just imagine a university with out students, that would be progress!


Clint: I think a university without professors would be even better! Although I think we just call that a zoo.


Austin : Hmm, no professors, just students. It could work, but you can charge for zoos, I am not sure you could charge to see a uni with only students.


Jordan: Pay-per-view live pornography, or an admittance fee to take part and defile all the young nubile students you want.


Clint: Huh. I think we've got a new business plan for when we retire! One set of universities without students, one set of universities without professors... we'll be rich!


Alice: Great idea, Stinky! Now all we need to do is find a bunch of idiots with loads of money!

Ram: Great, I think we can forget about the foolish idea to test the pizza. Come on, let's do some student stuff!


TGFzdCBmcm9tIENvbm9yICM1Mw0KDQo+QWxpY2U6IEdyZWF0IGlkZWEsIFN0aW5reSEgTm93IGFs bCB3ZSBuZWVkIHRvIGRvIGlzIGZpbmQgYSBidW5jaCBvZiBpZGlvdHMgd2l0aCBsb2FkcyBvZiBt b25leSENCj4NCj5SYW06IEdyZWF0LCBJIHRoaW5rIHdlIGNhbiBmb3JnZXQgYWJvdXQgdGhlIGZv b2xpc2ggaWRlYSB0byB0ZXN0IHRoZSBwaXp6YS4gQ29tZSBvbiwgbGV0J3MgZG8gc29tZSBzdHVk ZW50IHN0dWZmIQ0KDQpEdXI6IEEgc3R1ZGVudCB0aGF0IGRvZXNuJ3Qgd2FudCB0byBlYXQgcGl6 emEuIEknbSBzdGFydGluZyB0byBiZWNvbWUgc3VzcGljaW91cyBvZiB5b3UgUmFtLi4uIFtFeWVz IG5hcnJvd10gDQo


Ram: No! I love pizza! Look! [Opens the box and takes out the clearly weeks old pizza] Mm! [Takes a bite of it, working hard to break off the mouthful and choke it down] Very... nice. [Looks like he's about to throw up]


Content-Type: text/plain; charset="iso-8859-1" Content-Transfer-Encoding: quoted-printable

Red: [Rummages in his bag and grabs an undescriptive small bottle with green fluid] Ram=2C want some undescriptive alcohol? It's free [smiles] . =



[RAM grabs the bottle and downs it.]

Ram: Ew! What the hell is that? [Spews it and some pizza back up]

Alice: [Nostalgically] Ah... reminds me of my days on campus!


Jordan: Well that proves it. He isn't a true student. Real students can and will drink anything that they are told is alcohol, regardless of the taste.


Charlie: [To Ram] Then who are you, really?


Ram: I told you! I'm a student, just like you! My name is Ram Ha!

Alice: He's a total Harc! He has HARMA written all over him -- even his name is an anagram of HARMA!


Jordan: [Counts on his fingers while mouthing the letters silently] Dear Phili she's right! His name IS an anagram of HARMA! Get him! [Attacks Ram Ha by smashing the pizza box he is holding at Ram's head.]


Charlie: [Gasps and tries to restrain Ram] Quickly, group! We cannot attract too much attention.


Austin : [Pulls Ram's trousers to his ankles so that he cannot run, and so it looks like a random porno. To Charlie] True, you can never have too much attention!


Alice: Oh? In that case, let's set this nearby carriage on fire -- that'll attract loads of attention!

[AUSTIN pulls down RAM's pants as RED casts a spell. RAM stops dead]

Ram: Help! Help!


Jordan: [Grabs a slice of disgusting pizza from one of the boxes and shoves it in Ram's mouth to shut him up]

;;; Assuming by "stops dead" you mean he is paralysed so can't move

his arms to pull it back out again.


Ram: He-ummph!

Alice: [Dousing a nearby carriage with a previously unnoticed can of petrol] Anyone got a match?

;;; Yes!


Jordan: Sure do! [Pulls out a tin from one of his pockets and fishes out a book of matches, tossing them to Alice]


Content-Type: text/plain; charset="iso-8859-1" Content-Transfer-Encoding: quoted-printable

Red: [Smiles a little bit too much] Hold it Ram! [To Alice] I got somethingbetter=2C but do we really want to attract so much attention with a fire? = [Mumbles=2C more to himself then to Alice] Yet=2C when was the last time fire did not solve a problem.

3B=3B=3B Very --_6ba0f86c-f115-449b-840e-fb2eff4de151_


Charlie: I meant we must NOT attract attention! Hurry, let us find the Ecogastronomy Department and see if Mother and Alistair are safe.


Austin : [Looks to see if Alice has heard this] Hmm, yes we should get a move on.


Clint: Okay, but can we find some safe place to stash the harc? Back of a carriage, for example? [Goes to hit Ram over the head, just for the hell of it.]


[Bonk. RAM is knocked out and thrown into the carriage.]

Alice: A burning carriage is hardly a safe place to put the man!


Jordan: [Grumpily] Alice, it's the perfect place! Burn two issues with one match! [Frowns] Why the hell do you want to burn the carriage anyway?


Alice: To put a smile on the frowny face of yours!


Charlie: [Appalled] Do be serious! We will not KILL the man, just get him out of our way. [To Clint] Tuck him behind some bushes, would you?


Clint: Haw! As important as that is, Bimbo, we're gonna have to skip the bonfire for now. The smell of burning harc will attract the wrong kind of attention! I can't believe I'm about to say this, but let's just go talk to Charlie's mom.


Jordan: Yeah, before Charlie gets so impatient she gets her panties, which are really a practically non-existent g-string, in a knot. [Looks at Charlie] No point denying it, Pestilence told me over a pint one night.


Austin : [Ready to go] Yes, we are missing all the fun! It can't be good to be the last person to get to the party.


Alice: Yeesh, Jordie, it sounds like you're the one who's got a knot in his panties!

[RAM is safely tucked away, and the party approach the door of the department.]


Jordan: [Huffily] I don't wear panties thank you very much!


Content-Type: text/plain; charset="iso-8859-1" Content-Transfer-Encoding: quoted-printable

Red: [Moves to enter the building] We are too close to answers to delay now. 3B=3B=3BIf RAM is safely stored=2C should we call him ROM instead? =



Clint: [Nods and goes in as well.] And I don't want to know about the poet's manties anyway!

;;; Here's one vote for no!


Alice: So, you could say that there's a "Not" in Jordie's manties!

[RED tries the door, and it is locked.]

;;; It's not permanent, so we should call him EPROM!


Austin : If we don't hurry there will be a lot of things to close to delay! [Goes through the doors if he can]

;;;What? I don't know what you are talking about! Prank call!


Clint: [Flexes his door-kicking foot happily.] I've got this! [Applies boot A to door B.]


[CLINT thumps the door and puts a huge crack down it. It is quickly opened by a man with a cart load of books. This is CLEAN SANDY.]

Sandy: Hey! What's going on? [Looks the party up and down] Oh, man! Is this another one of those pizza-delivery-turns-into-an-orgy situations?


Charlie: [Primly] Indeed, it is not. We are with the Purity League and saving ourselves for marriage. Could you direct us to the Ecogastronomy Department?


Sandy: This is the Ecogastronomy Department, but I can only let in people who appear to be part of pizza-delivery-turns-into-an-orgy groups.


Charlie: [Brightly, brandishing the pizza] Splendid, we're your group! [Winks awkwardly at Sandy] You know how we virginal types often turn out to be the most amorous!


Sandy: [Unconvincing] Oh, gosh. A bunch of young pizza delivery people who are about to have sex with me, a lowly virginal librarian.

[Porn music starts... bom chikka bom!]


Content-Type: text/plain; charset="iso-8859-1" Content-Transfer-Encoding: quoted-printable

Red: [Discretely disappears behind a bookshelf] --_c06cbf49-25da-40c2-b5b6-b88d8ba0d45c_


Charlie: [Excited] Oh, you're a librarian?! Could you tell me if the latest issue of Science and Stuff has arrived?


Sandy: Yes! It's a special issue on Botany And Things!


Charlie: [Squeals] Oh, could I see it?!


Jordan: [To whoever can hear him muttering over the music] She could have totally worded that better.

;;; The question we don't want the answer to, is "which "it"?"


Sandy: You'll have to wait -- there's only one copy! [Looks at Red] What're you trying to do, Bud?


Clint: I'd guess he's trying to get way while Chuck here geeks out! I know the feeling.


Sandy: If you guys can make sure he doesn't get into any mischief, you can come right in.


Charlie: [Nods enthusiastically] Oh, we will! No doubt he yearns to find a quiet place to read, as do we all! [Enters the library]


Austin : I think his yearnings might be a little different from yours, I'm not so sure that 'reading' the reader's letters column counts.


Sandy: I hope he doesn't think there's any porn in here.

[The music gets even louder. Bom CHIKKA BOOOOOM!]

;;; End of scene, next one coming right up


[Book IX, Act X, Scene V. The Ecogastronomy Department. ALICE, AUSTIN, CHARLIE, CLINT, DUR, JORDAN and RED are here with CLEAN SANDY.]

Sandy: What can I do for you guys? Oh, and don't forget to leave the stack of pizzas near the gate when you leave.


Charlie: [Squeals with delight and flips out a notepad filled with article titles] I should like a copy of each of these articles as soon as possible! [Temptingly] If you have them back to me in under an hour, I shall include you in a list of librarians I plan to thank in the acknowledgements of my next book!


Jordan: [Sourly] Never before have I heard a more tempting reason to move slow.


TGFzdCBmcm9tIERyZXcgIzMNCg0KPkpvcmRhbjogW1NvdXJseV0gTmV2ZXIgYmVmb3JlIGhhdmUg SSBoZWFyZCBhIG1vcmUgdGVtcHRpbmcgcmVhc29uIHRvIG1vdmUgc2xvdy4NCg0KRHVyOiBSZWFs bHk/IEkgY291bGQgdGhpbmsgb2YgYXQgbGVhc3QgYSBkb3plbiAnbWFyY2hlcyB0byBvdXIgb3du IGRlYXRoJyB0aGF0IEkgd2FudGVkIHRvIG1vdmUgYXQgYSBzbmFpbCdzIHBhY2UgZm9yLi4uDQo


Alice: Get a hold of yourself, Charlie! This is a university -- hardly the place for doing research!

Sandy: [Looks at the list of articles] Mm.. I like what I see here. [Licks his lips] Delicious.


Charlie: [Composes herself] Oh, right. We have more pressing matters than my research just now. [To Sandy] Could you bring us to Professor Finley at once?


Sandy: He's given strict orders not to disturb him! He's busy with his research assistant.


TGFzdCBmcm9tIENvbm9yDQoNCj5TYW5keTogSGUncyBnaXZlbiBzdHJpY3Qgb3JkZXJzIG5vdCB0 byBkaXN0dXJiIGhpbSEgSGUncyBidXN5IHdpdGggaGlzIHJlc2VhcmNoIGFzc2lzdGFudC4NCg0K RHVyOiBbU25pZ2dlcmluZ10gSSB0aGluayB3ZSBrbm93IEhFUiBhcyB3ZWxsLiANCg


Jordan: [To Sandy in a condescending tone] I thought you said there was no pornography here?


Austin : Indeed, we are part of the 'team'. [Wiggles his eyebrows]


Sandy: [To Jordan] Did you? [To Austin] That's disappointing -- I thought you might be the Queens View party looking to work with Finley to try and save the world. What a gyp.


Clint: [Modestly] We do our best work anonymously. Particularly when HARMA is around!


Sandy: Is there anyone else who might be able to help? You know, while Finley is indisposed?


Charlie: Is Dr. Helena Parker-Kensington about?


Sandy: Yeah! Oh man, she's one great little lady! Do you know her?


Clint: Yes. Yes we do. So can you take us to her?


Sandy: Sure thing -- that Hell Raiser is gonna be delighted to meet some old friends!

[SANDY leads them to a door and knocks, before looking in.]

Sandy: Hiya, Hell -- got some visitors for ya. Will I send them in? [Listens, and turns to the party, laughing] Ha! She's a laugh, that one! In you go!


Charlie: [To Sandy, baffled] Are you sure you mean Dr. HELENA Parker-Kensington? Not Gertrude?


Clint: Charlie's mother. Very dangerous. [Turns to Charlie.] You go first.


Sandy: Gertrude? Nope, it's definitely Hell!

[He pushes the door open to reveal HELL ANNA PORKER KNEESINFRONT, a dwarf dressed a schoolgirl.]

Hell: 'sup?


Austin : [Worried, to Charlie] I think we may have travelled too far back in time.


Jordan: [To Austin in a very condescending manner] For a lawyer you aren't very intelligent. If we had gone to far back in time, you wouldn't have met me at Earl's not too long ago, would you?


;;; Heather is afk

Charlie: That is most certainly not my mother!

Alice: [To Jordan] That depends on when we went back in time, doesn't it?

Hell: Heya, Jordan, got into the porn biz?


Austin : [double take from Hell to Jordan] An ex-girl friend of yours?


Jordan: [To Hell] Alas my dear Hell, the answer is no. We're working undercover, and our acquaintance here [nods to Sandy] misheard when we said who we were looking for. Understandable though, you do have very similar names. [To Austin] Do you really need to ask that? You have met my wife after all.


Austin : [Shrugs] So? That does not mean that you have not had a girlfriend in the past, do it.


Alice: He likes them young, doesn't he? [Leans over to Hell] You're just as cute as a button, aren't you?

Hell: Back off, bitch, and wash your teeth.


Charlie: [Wrinkling her nose] You wretched little creature! How dare you sully my mother's good name?!


Hell: What the hell are you talking about? Don't think you're too old to put across my knee and spank you!


Austin : Steady as she goes Sarge, her name is not the same, after all.


Jordan: Now now ladies, on need to be so catty with each other! [To Hell] Okay, remind me, just how did we meet?


Hell: You were passed out on a footpath covered in puke.


Jordan: I don't remember that!


Hell: Sure you do -- someone stole your shoes and sold them for cheese.


Jordan: [Thinks for a moment] Oh! That night! [Thinks again] Wait, wasn't that you?


Charlie: [To Jordan] You know this creature? Make her change her name at once!


Hell: [To Charlie] Look, Stretch, you better back off! [To Jordan] Of course it was. Finder's keepers, I always say.


Jordan: Quite right! As do many others. So, tell me you little imp, what have you been up to?


Last from drew 34

Hell: I'm engaged!


Jordan: Were you high at the time?


Austin : [To Hell] Congratulations! Who is the lucky one? [Frowns, to Jordan] Where are your manners?


Clint: Same place as Charlie's, I bet!


Charlie: [In a huff] Just you try to remain courteous in the face of shocking disrespect! [To Hell] How did you decide upon your name? [Skeptically] Had you read one of my mother's articles?


Hell: Hell, I'm high right now! [To Austin] Finley! He's just great! [To Charlie] That depends on who your mother is -- if it's Helena, then no, but she's such an icon in the world of Science and Stuff, I went for that. You know, in the porn industry, you have to have a punny name, so I had to change mine.

Alice: What was your original name?

Hell: Uvanna Handjob.


Austin : [Looks suprised] They say that imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, and in this case it seems to be true.


Alice: Really? Wow, I didn't know she was that famous.

Hell: Yeah, the gays love her!


Charlie: [Irked] More than me?! After my groundbreaking work on homosocial bonding among the bunyip?!


Hell: I don't know what that means, but I think it's because she's such a cold mean bitch.

Alice: [Reassuringly] We all think you're really mean too, Charlie!


Austin : Except me, I don't have the time. [Looks around] We really should speak to Dr Findley. Is he around?


Alice: [Helpfully] It's a quarter past three.

Hell: He certainly is, he's just doing something weird with a pizza delivery guy in the next room.


Jordan: Weird as in something you should be doing with the pizza delivery guy?


Content-Type: text/plain; charset="iso-8859-1" Content-Transfer-Encoding: quoted-printable

Red: Weird as in giving the pizza delivery guy a tip? --_c92150ea-e744-4ba0-b89e-468ac4885c5e_


Charlie: [Skeptically] Now, is it really Professor Alistair Finley, or some perverse version of him?!


TGFzdCBmcm9tIEhlYXRoZXIgIzQ4DQoNCj5DaGFybGllOiBbU2tlcHRpY2FsbHldIE5vdywgaXMg aXQgcmVhbGx5IFByb2Zlc3NvciBBbGlzdGFpciBGaW5sZXksIG9yIHNvbWUgcGVydmVyc2UgdmVy c2lvbiBvZiBoaW0/IQ0KDQpEdXI6IFBoaWxpIGhlbHAgdXMhIEhlJ3MgYSBwZXJ2ZXJzZSB2ZXJz aW9uIGVub3VnaCBhcyBpdCBpcyENCg


Austin : This is not the time for lengthy philosophical debate, we have a world to save!


Hell: I think he may have been [dramatically] eating pizza!

[The door opens. Enter ALISTAIR FINLEY, eating a slice of pizza. He is wearing normal clothes, except for his trousers, which are huge, clown-like ones.]

Finley: Ah, Pukwudgie! There you are! [Gives Hell a hug]


Charlie: [Fuming] Really, Alistair?! Even SHE is [finger quotes] Pukwudgie?!


Content-Type: text/plain; charset="iso-8859-1" Content-Transfer-Encoding: quoted-printable

Red: Alistair=2C at last=2C you are a hard man to find! As you can see=2C Ifound the party you send me to find. How is the progress on your side? =



Finley: Eh? Er, quite, yes. Now, I believe you were about to tell us how to save the world, correct?


Austin : Errm, I thought you were going to tell us?

;;; do we have the Fate books?


Finley: I don't know! We still haven't established what's causing the Reveals! I keep thinking I've figured it out, but then the cause seems to change. It's like someone knows our every move! [To Red] Ah, young... man! How are you getting on?

;;; Not the actual Fatebook (the one that shows how far along The Path

people are)

;;; but yes to "The Books", which are ancient books foretelling the future.


Content-Type: text/plain; charset="iso-8859-1" Content-Transfer-Encoding: quoted-printable

Red: It has been.... weird with these people=2C but you learn to love them [smiles] and you never get bored. [Looks seriously.] Any progress on gettin= g people back from the reveals? --_2d1555f4-8045-4ad6-ab80-5795bfb2afc5_


Finley: Excellent question! Excellent! [To Hell] Do you have my pen?

[HELL fishes a large marker out of her pocket and sucks on it salaciously for a moment, before handing it to FINLEY.]

Finley: [Starts to write some fiendishly complex equations on the wall] We actually succeeded in bringing someone back, but just for a moment. There appear to be forces [points to some math on the wall] pulling people back.


Clint: [Turns to Alice] Bimbo, that gobbledygook make sense to you? Is he right?


Last from tom 57

Alice: It does if someone really was brought back. It means that the revealsaren't just disappearing, it means they are going somewhere.=20=


Jordan: Maybe we should try and go down one of them to see if it will reveal where it leads?


Clint: Certainty of death, small chance of success... what are we waiting for?


Jordan: At least someone has the right mentality about it all.

;;; Out for the day.


Charlie: [Skeptically] Alistair, do you think it possible to enter a reveal without it ripping one in two?!


Clint: [Shrugs.] Sarge, we do three impossible things before breakfast. What's the worry?


Austin : It's nearly lunch time.


Alistair: It is an interesting question -- I initially assumed that anyone caught within a Reveal was killed, but now I'm working on the theory that they are transported. However, if one is caught on the cusp, then yes, they would certainly be torn apart.


Charlie: How thrilling! Have you done some trials by sending in dogs and the indigent to test your theories?


Austin : [Alarmed] Why would he waste a perfectly good dog?


Charlie: True, dogs do have many uses. [To Alistair] The indigent, then?


Alistair: Of course! That was the first thing we did! None of them have returned though.

Alice: What happened with the guy you did bring back?

Alistair: He slapped me in the face, called me an idiot and stole my sandwich!


Clint: What were you doing, experimenting on poor Dur like that...


;;; Kevin is out today

Dur: I protest! I would never do such a thing! I would never slap a man! A woman, maybe. Child? If they had something worth stealing, but man? Now who's the idiot?


Charlie: [Excited, to Alistair] Could we speak to the subject?


Alistair: Unfortunately not -- before I could react, he disappeared again! This is why I believe that something pulled him back. It actually created a small Reveal in my lab.


Clint: Hey, this is sounding like a better plan by the minute!


Dur: Did you ever get the sandwich back?

Finley: Alas, no!

Dur: What kind of sandwich was it?

Finley: It was a ... [chokes up a little] tuna m-m-melt.

[HELL gives him a consoling hug.]

Alice: Er, but getting back to the Reveals. How many of them are there now?

Finley: Millions!


Charlie: [Aghast] Oh my! Could they actually consume the realms if they continue unchecked?


Alistair: By my current estimate, approximately 80% of the Realms has already been consumed!


Austin : They must be storing it in another dimension, perhaps even reconstructing it?


Jordan: What parts are still left intact?

Finley: Patches here and there. Look. [Shows a map of the Realms to the party] Any part that is covered in black has been destroyed.


Charlie: [Frowns and studies the map closely] Group, is it my imagination or can you see some of those symbols Will kept drawing?! [Points to an O at the top and a lightning bolt at the bottom]


Alice: [Squints at it] The rest are just kind of a jumble, though, aren't they?


Clint: [Growling] This better not be all part of your kid's midlife crisis!


Alice: But what does this mean?


Charlie: [Wails] I don't know, but Wilhelmina cannot be behind these dreadful things! [Hopefully] Perhaps it is just a coincidence that a few of those symbols appear. Zeroes and lightning bolts are not uncommon, after all.


Jordan: [Throws his hands up in frustration] Oh come off it Chuckles! We all saw that those were two of the symbols that appeared in all of her paintings, don't be so naive as to think your precious Willi has nothing to do with the Reveals!


Alice: But what about the other symbols?


Jordan: [Looking at Finley's map] Well some of these lines do connect to almost look like a cup. Many instances of lines connecting to look like windows. I'm struggling to recognise a tree shape at all, and if anyone can see a woman's face in there you deserve a month long cheese binge vacation from all this balderdash!


Charlie: [Unhappily] Yes, I can see what you mean about the window and cup. There must be some connection to Will, but what?!


Alice: Do we have any idea where the next one might happen?


TGFzdCBmcm9tIENvbm9yICM4OA0KDQo+QWxpY2U6IERvIHdlIGhhdmUgYW55IGlkZWEgd2hlcmUg dGhlIG5leHQgb25lIG1pZ2h0IGhhcHBlbj8NCg0KRHVyOiBQZXJoYXBzIHRoZXJlIGlzIHNvbWUg a2luZCBvZiBwYXR0ZXJuIHRvIHRoaXMgbWFkbmVzcz8gSSB3b3VsZCB0aGluayBhIG1hdGhlbWF0 aWNhbCBnZW5pdXMgd291bGQgYmUgYWJsZSB0byBkZWNpcGhlciBvbmUgaWYgaXQgZXhpc3RlZC4u Lg0K


Alice: Maybe there is a pattern, but there's such a mess of them, it's impossible to see.


Jordan: Then redraw the map, putting them on in sequence of appearance, and see if you can decipher a pattern that way as you go along!


Finley: I've done just that -- I had some grad students put together a flip book!


Jordan: Hmm, moon is the circle, the circle with a line would be the tree, then the window, a cup and finally the lightning. Although, when the second lot of Reveals appear, the moon at the top of the tree could be a legless woman. The second moon becomes her head, and the first tree her body and arms, with her hands on her hips. Good job she has no legs, or else she would be tucking her knees in tight.


Clint: Does anyone have a better plan than going through to see what's on the other side? It won't be on now before it doesn't even matter!


Austin: But where will the next one appear? Or disappear?


Charlie: [Squints at the map] Is this a smudge? Or an incomplete Reveal? [Points to the bottom right corner]


Finley: It most certainly is not a smudge! Remember, each character, or letter, is made up of many Reveals.


Jordan: [To Charlie] A smudge? A bloody smudge? Seriously? [Getting more and more aggravated] I'm honestly starting to think Alice is more intelligent than you are Chuckles! It's no wonder your daughter went off the deep end, you weren't smart enough to keep her in line! [Storms out of the room mumbling angrily to himself]


;;; and that is me gone for about 13 weeks everyone. Heading back to

Georgia USA on Monday for 12 weeks. Getting to experience my first

Thanksgiving! Woohoo!

On 24 October 2014 17:19, Marc-Andrew Hunnam Nicholas


Austin : [After Jordan leaves. Exhales slowly] Well, that was a little tense. [Casually checks his nails] So, is the 'smudge' the place to find the next Reveal? And, do we want to be in it?

;;;Very busy week ahead, will post when I can. Off on Friday.

;;;Have a good thx givin Drew!


Alice: [Watches the door slam after Jordan's storm off] I agree with Jordan, Charlie's right, it must be the next Reveal. [To Finley] As Austin says, do we want to be in the Reveal? How sure are you that we won't be just killed?

Finley: I'm about 70% sure.


Charlie: [Delighted] How splendid! High enough to be heroic, yet still reasonably safe! [To the party] To the smudged Reveal!


Content-Type: text/plain; charset="iso-8859-1" Content-Transfer-Encoding: quoted-printable

Red: Lets just hope it doesn't reveal anything we don't want it to. =



Dur: Well when you say it like that, how could it Reveal anything else!?


Austin : None of us have anything to hide, we are all good friends. [Looks around the party] Well, we should probably decide where the next Reveal will be, go there, be heroic, and save the world. [Smugly] Again.


Alice: But how do we get there?

Finley: [Traces a route that avoids the Reveals completely] You could try this way, which completely avoids any Reveal activity. I estimate it would take four weeks.


TGFzdCBmcm9tIENvbm9yICMxMDUNCg0KPkFsaWNlOiBCdXQgaG93IGRvIHdlIGdldCB0aGVyZT8N Cj4NCj5GaW5sZXk6IFtUcmFjZXMgYSByb3V0ZSB0aGF0IGF2b2lkcyB0aGUgUmV2ZWFscyBjb21w bGV0ZWx5XSBZb3UgY291bGQgdHJ5IHRoaXMgd2F5LCB3aGljaCBjb21wbGV0ZWx5IGF2b2lkcyBh bnkgUmV2ZWFsIGFjdGl2aXR5LiBJIGVzdGltYXRlIGl0IHdvdWxkIHRha2UgZm91ciB3ZWVrcy4N Cg0KRHVyOiBEbyB3ZSBoYXZlIHRoYXQgbXVjaCB0aW1lPyBQZXJoYXBzIHdlIGNvdWxkIHRyYXZl bCBieSBhaXIgc29tZSBob3c/DQo


Charlie: No, we haven't that much time. The entire realms could be consumed by then! [To Finley] Are there no water routes we might take?


Finley: Ingenious! Yes, if you set sail in a Northwesterly direction, I believe that it would be possible to sail right around and come out close to the location of the next Reveal.

Alice: Brilliant! How long will that take?

Finley: I estimate two months. Once we've designed and built a ship capable of making the journey, of course!


Clint: Why don't we go by balloon? A dangerous, untested balloon. And we can always just use the time machine if we have to.


Charlie: Ooh, a balloon would be marvelous! [To Finley] Dare I ask if you have a balloon already assembled and ready to launch?


Finley: Ah, yes! Of course! Once the fire is put out, it'll be ready to go! [Stares at Clint] Time machine, eh? That just might work!


Charlie: [To Finley, skeptically] Really? It won't take six months or some nonsense? And it's not on fire?


Clint: Sometimes a balloon is just a balloon, Sarge. Just go with it.


Finley: Yes, the baloon most certainly IS on fire, young man! The time machine, on the other hand, is not.


Charlie: [Delighted] Wonderful! We shall take the time machine, then. [Frets] I do hope someday I can travel in time for the purposes of study, and not always just travel in time for heroic reasons!

;;; Is the time machine back in the House of Teas?


Austin : Unfortunately I don't think the time machine send you back very far, just a few hours at most?


Finley: That depends on what sort of time machine you are talking about, young man! Some are short term, others can be much longer. Others, long still. Still others? Even longer! Many more? Don't work at all!

;;; There was one in the convent in Nostalgia, yes!


Clint: The question is, does the one in Nostalgia take us far enough back that we can show up here in time to save the balloon? And do we want to risk running into those nuns again!


Finley: I'm quite sure that the one in the University will take you far back enough.

Alice: Now, the time machine isn't on fire, is it?

Finley: Of course not! Don't be absurd. [Thoughtfully] The building it's in, however, well, that's another matter.


Charlie: [Gasps] Hurry, group! To the time machine, before it goes up in flames!


Austin : Are they flammable?


Finley: Violently so.


Charlie: [Excited] Then will you take us there at once?!


Finley: Certainly not! Have you seen the sort of ludicrous outfits people have to wear to move around campus?


Charlie: [Exasperated] This from a man who routinely cannot find his trousers!

;;; I think that's my three!


TGFzdCBmcm9tIEhlYXRoZXIgIzEyNA0KDQo+Q2hhcmxpZTogW0V4YXNwZXJhdGVkXSBUaGlzIGZy b20gYSBtYW4gd2hvIHJvdXRpbmVseSBjYW5ub3QgZmluZCBoaXMgdHJvdXNlcnMhDQoNCkR1cjog V2hpY2ggaXMgdHJ1bHkgYSBzaGFtZSwgZm9yIGEgbWFuIHdpdGggbm8gdHJvdXNlcnMgaGFzIG5v IHBsYWNlIHRvIHN0b3JlIGEgc2FuZHdpY2ggZm9yIGEgcmFpbnkgZGF5IQ0KDQo7OztEdXIgdG8g dGhlIHJlc2N1ZSENCg


Clint: We don't have time to argue! Just give us directions so we can run into a burning building, which is something we haven't done enough of lately.


Finley: [Squeezes Dur's shoulder] Ah, finally, a man who truly understands the implications of a trouser malfunction. [To Clint] It is right across campus, a mile to the west.

Alice: Are we really going run into a burning building dressed like this? On a [looks at a nearby calendar] Monday? At [checks her watch] 3PM?


Clint: I know it's a lot to ask, Bimbo, but sometimes you've got to do what you've got to do. Besides, it's not like there'll be anyone in the building to see!


Finley: Yeah, Bimbo! It's not like there'll be anyone in the building to see!

Alice: Okay, Stinky, but what about HARMA?

Finley: Yeah, Stinky! What ABOUT HARMA?


Clint: Since when did we care what those idiots thought?

;;; And I'm off. Must take the car in for the state inspection.


Austin : Indeed, Stinky! WHAT ABOUT HARMA?


Austin : Good point. Well made. I believe that 'never' is the answer.


Alice: So they're going to let us just walk across campus looking like students? Totes prep!


Charlie: Well, we can make these outfits more pornographic. [Somewhat wearily] I suspect Dr. Finley would be happy to assist!


Alice: I thought these were pornographic!

Hell: They are, but for a fire? Oh, please!


Charlie: One needs a different sort of pornographic outfit to rush toward a fire?


Finley: Most certainly! There is a large collection in the next room, just tell Hell what you would most like.

;;; Who wants to suggest an outfit??


Charlie: [Hesitantly] A saucy fire-fighter's uniform?


TGFzdCBmcm9tIEhlYXRoZXIgIzEzNw0KDQo+Q2hhcmxpZTogW0hlc2l0YW50bHldIEEgc2F1Y3kg ZmlyZS1maWdodGVyJ3MgdW5pZm9ybT8NCg0KRHVyOiBbQ29uZnVzZWRdIFdoeSBvbiBlYXJ0aCB3 b3VsZCB5b3Ugd2FudCBhIHVuaWZvcm0gY292ZXJlZCBpbiBncmF2eT8NCg0KDQo7OzsgWklORyEN Cg


Finley: Because, my friend, when someone steals your trousers, you can simply squeeze out the sleeves of the jacket to get some food!

[Exit ALL.]

;;; End of scene, next one coming up soon!


[Book IX, Act VI, Scene VI. The Costume Room. ALICE, AUSTIN, CHARLIE, CLINT, DUR and RED have just arrived with FINLEY. The room is crammed full of every conceivable kind of costume, from Aardvark Hunters to Zookeeper.]

Finley: And here we have everything you could possibly want!

Alice: Can we combine them to make up our own?

Finley: As long as they are saucy, suggestive and wouldn't be out of place in a pornographic film of any category except science fiction from the last thirty to ten years, then by all means!


Charlie: [Digs around and promptly comes up with a skimpy firefighter's costume that looks like a male stripper outfit, complete with an enormously intimidating hose] I shall take this one!


Alice: [Dressed as a French maid/firefighter] Ha! You look crazy, Charlie!

;;; Dom is out today

Austin: [Wearing as conservative a fireman costume as he can find, complete with shiny red helmet] Do the indignities never end?


Clint: [Cobbles together a biker outfit complete with an utter lack of shirt and a jacket bearing the slogans "bikers do it on asphalt" and "I brake for nookie."] It could be worse...


Alice: What kind of fire are you trying to put out, Stinky? [Theatrically] One in a gay guy's loins? Zing!


Clint: [Disgruntled.] I'm the paramedic, obviously!


;;; No posting today! Back to normal tomorrow!


Austin : Let us pray that no one gets hurt.


Alice: Between the gay paramedic and Dur, it'll be a miracle if we can get to the door without someone getting hurt!

[ALICE heads to the door of the dressing room, but immediately stands on and slips on a carelessly discarded sandwich, before crashing into a table of shiny helmets.]

Alice: Ow.


Austin : [Rushes over to help Alice] Are you okay? Do you need mouth to mouth? [Checks Alice's pulse and listens to her heart if she lets him]


Charlie: [Scolding] Dur, do be more careful about leaving your food about!


Alice: I think I have an Austin on my boobs.


Content-Type: text/plain; charset="iso-8859-1" Content-Transfer-Encoding: quoted-printable

Red: [Appears from behind a pile of clothing dressed as a police officer=2Cwith chaps and a not-so-standard club] Nothing to see here=2C move along p= eople. [Directs the party onward.] --_2e14f143-8c8d-4c61-a072-93f4cc19d86b_


Austin : [Worried] Are they okay? [Checks Alice's boobs to make sure they are okay. Wipes his brow in relief and puts his helmet back on] I think you are going to recover fully. [Helps Alice up] All in a days work for a fireman.


Alice: I think they're perky and perf. Although a bit too manhandled for my liking!


Charlie: Mr. Sleaze, do behave yourself! Haven't Alice's breasts seen enough [finger quotes] action for one lifetime as it is?!


TGFzdCBmcm9tIEhlYXRoZXIgIzE0DQoNCj5DaGFybGllOiBNci4gU2xlYXplLCBkbyBiZWhhdmUg eW91cnNlbGYhICBIYXZlbid0IEFsaWNlJ3MgYnJlYXN0cyBzZWVuIGVub3VnaCBbZmluZ2VyIHF1 b3Rlc10gYWN0aW9uIGZvciBvbmUgbGlmZXRpbWUgYXMgaXQgaXM/IQ0KDQpEdXI6IE9oIG15IGdv ZCEgQXJlIHlvdSBvayB5b3UgcG9vciwgZGVsaWNhdGUgdGhpbmc/ISBXZXJlIHlvdSBodXJ0PyBE b24ndCBmcmV0LCBEdXIgaXMgaGVyZSBub3cuLi4uIFtZZXMuLi4gRHVyIGlzIHRhbGtpbmcgdG8g dGhlIHNhbmR3aWNoLl0NCg


Alice: Aw, thanks so much, Dur. [Sighs and looks off into space] You know, although everyone thinks you're a weirdo, I think you're actually quite nice, and -- [notices that he's talking to the sandwich] Hey!


TGFzdCBmcm9tIENvbm9yICMxNg0KDQo+QWxpY2U6IEF3LCB0aGFua3Mgc28gbXVjaCwgRHVyLiBb U2lnaHMgYW5kIGxvb2tzIG9mZiBpbnRvIHNwYWNlXSBZb3Uga25vdywgYWx0aG91Z2ggZXZlcnlv bmUgdGhpbmtzIHlvdSdyZSBhIHdlaXJkbywgSSB0aGluayB5b3UncmUgYWN0dWFsbHkgcXVpdGUg bmljZSwgYW5kIC0tIFtub3RpY2VzIHRoYXQgaGUncyB0YWxraW5nIHRvIHRoZSBzYW5kd2ljaF0g PkhleSENCg0KRHVyOiBRdWlldCB5b3UhIENhbid0IHlvdSBzZWUgSSBhbSByaWdodCBpbiB0aGUg bWlkZGxlIG9mIGEgZGVsaWNhdGUgcHJvY2VkdXJlPyEgW0dvZXMgYmFjayB0byBsaWNraW5nIHNt ZWFyZWQgbWF5byBmcm9tIG9mZiB0aGUgZmxvb3JdDQo


Charlie: [To Dur, urgently] Stop that! With costumes like these in stock, Phili only knows what sort of horrible people patronize this shop--and what they drop or leak upon the floor!

;;; Keeeevin! Ewww!


TGFzdCBmcm9tIEhlYXRoZXIgIzE4DQoNCj5DaGFybGllOiBbVG8gRHVyLCB1cmdlbnRseV0gU3Rv cCB0aGF0ISAgV2l0aCBjb3N0dW1lcyBsaWtlIHRoZXNlIGluIHN0b2NrLCBQaGlsaSBvbmx5IGtu b3dzIHdoYXQgc29ydCBvZiBob3JyaWJsZSBwZW9wbGUgcGF0cm9uaXplIHRoaXMgc2hvcC0tYW5k IHdoYXQgdGhleSBkcm9wIG9yIGxlYWsgdXBvbiB0aGUgZmxvb3IhDQoNCkR1cjogVGhhdCB3b3Vs ZCBleHBsYWluIHRoZSBleG90aWMgZmxhdm9yIG9mIHRoaXMgbWF5b25uYWlzZS4gW05vdCBzdG9w cGluZ10NCg0KPjs7OyBLZWVlZXZpbiEgIEV3d3chDQoNCjs7OyBJIHRha2UgZ3JlYXQgcGxlYXN1 cmUgaW4gZ29pbmcgdG8gbmV3IGxlbmd0aHMgdG8gZ3Jvc3MgeW91IG91dCBIZWF0aGVyISBIYSEN Cg


Content-Type: text/plain; charset="iso-8859-1" Content-Transfer-Encoding: quoted-printable

Red: [Puts a detective cap on top of his police cap=2C lights a pipe and grabs a magnifying glass] I believe I can answer that for you=2C but I shall = need a doctor as assistant. --_24d6c0cd-bb01-4c15-97db-4b225ee1432f_


Alice: You sure that's actually mayonnaise?


Clint: I think what she's trying to say, doc, is that that's probably not mayo.


Charlie: [Looking at the floor disapprovingly] Whatever it was, it's gone now! [Looks at the party] Is everyone properly uniformed? We really must see to this fire!


Austin : Time machine, Sarge! I know it is difficult whilst wearing these ridiculous costumes, but we must stay focused. We are not firemen.


Alice: [Squirts water all over Austin] Oops.


Charlie: [To Austin, trying to hide her disappointment] But if we DO see a fire along the way, we really should put it out. Otherwise, people might feel we have misrepresented ourselves!


Alice: Wait a minute? We're firemen? I thought we were strippers! [Heads to the door] Let's get to this time machine burn it to the ground!


Charlie: Hurry, group! Follow me, and keep those matches away from Alice!


Ram: Mmf-mmmm-mmf! Mf?


Charlie: Now, start counting until you reach Graham's Number, and then you may take off your mask!


TGFzdCBmcm9tIEhlYXRoZXIgIzQ2DQoNCj5DaGFybGllOiBbTm9kcyBlbnRodXNpYXN0aWNhbGx5 LCB0cnlpbmcgdG8gY3VmZiBSYW1dIFllcywgaXNuJ3QgaXQgdGhyaWxsaW5nPyAgW1RvIENsaW50 IGFuZCBEdXJdIEdpdmUgbWUgYSBoYW5kIHdpdGggdGhpcyBzYXVjeSBnYW1lLCB3b3VsZCB5b3U/ DQoNCkR1cjogW0NvbmZ1c2VkXSBTYXVjeT8gRGlkIEkgbWlzcyBzb21lIGZsb29yIG1heW9ubmFp c2Ugc29tZXdoZXJlPyBbTG9va3MgYXJvdW5kXQ0K


Ram: I think there are lots of cucumber sandwiches in that shop near the time machine.


Ram: Mmahmm's mumba?


Charlie: [Takes the cuffs from Red] Perfect! [To Ram] Now, if you'll take your chair, we can start to get a bit more [tries to wink in a painfully awkward manner] academic, if one understands my meaning!


Austin : Allow me [Swiftly and securely attatches various sets of hand cuffs and leg cuffs, a blind fold and a gag, to Ram]


Charlie: [Brightly] That's right! After that, you shall have all of the sandwiches and intercourse you desire! [Moves to exit the room, motioning for the party to follow her, chop chop!]


Austin : It is no wonder that you have been gaining so much weight recently.


Charlie: [Nods enthusiastically, trying to cuff Ram] Yes, isn't it thrilling? [To Clint and Dur] Give me a hand with this saucy game, would you?


Ram: But I know a shortcut to the sandwich shop! Us hungry students often need to get there quickly!


Clint: [Follows, amused.] And no cheating. It's all part of her twisted little game, see, and she takes her sex games very, very, seriously. Or so I've heard.


;;; Remember, we've already sneaked out a back exit!

Alice: Uh, do we know where the time machine is?

Ram: Mi Mknow!


Austin : [To Charlie] Lead the way Sarge!


[AUSTIN opens the back door slightly and the street is empty. The party creep out, only to spot RAM HA, standing a short distance away, holding a stack of burgers.]

Ram: Hi, friends!


Content-Type: text/plain; charset="iso-8859-1" Content-Transfer-Encoding: quoted-printable

Red: Can you stare in the direction? --_50d2c85d-a782-4d05-8103-47e7e3014d75_


Clint: It's all part of the game, y'see. [Nods in Charlie's direction.] . Like the cucumber sandwiches and the floor mayonnaise.


Ram: Where are we going, gang? Mm! Who would like a tasty burger? Us students sure do eat a lot of burgers, don't we?


Alice: Yeesh! Does she ever think about anything else??

Ram: [Excited] Yes, yes! That's very studenty!


Ram: Mo, mi man't.

Alice: Is that because you're an idiot or because you're facing away?

Ram: Moath.


Ram: [Sits, but bounces up and down happily] I love being an underc- a student!


Content-Type: text/plain; charset="iso-8859-1" Content-Transfer-Encoding: quoted-printable

Red: These should help. [Hands over some handcuffs from his police toolbelt.] =



Charlie: Oh, I know! Let's play a game first, to work up the appetite. [To Ram] You sit in this chair, and I will saucily bind your arms and legs to it.


Ram: Yes! [Holds up the burgers] I have snacks here! Mm-mm!


Charlie: [Nods emphatically] Oh, yes! I believe that can be traced to endocannabinoids activating cannabinoid receptors! Do run out and fetch us some cucumber sandwiches with the crusts cut off, and we will stay here and prepare to disrobe with wild abandon!


Charlie: Marvelous, I shall go and fetch them. [To Ram] You stay here and make sure no authority figures come to spoil our wild capering! Now, I will be carrying a LOT of sandwiches, so you come help. And you. You as well. . . . [points to each member of the party] .


Content-Type: text/plain; charset="iso-8859-1" Content-Transfer-Encoding: quoted-printable

Red: [Tries to turn the chair but lacks the physical strength] Some help guys? Let's turn him by pi. [To Ram] We will turn you half a circle=2C can yo= u stare then? --_79848430-3a3d-41bd-85e9-ad0ca8ce19cc_


TGFzdCBmcm9tIEhlYXRoZXIgIzM1DQoNCj5DaGFybGllOiBbTGF1Z2hzXSBUaGF0IGlzbid0IGVu b3VnaCBmb3IgRHVyISAgV2UgcmVhbGx5IG11c3QgaGF2ZSBtdWNoIE1VQ0ggbW9yZS4NCg0KRHVy OiBFc3BlY2lhbGx5IHNpbmNlIEkgd2Fzbid0IGFsbG93ZWQgdG8gaGF2ZSBhbnkgb2YgdGhhdCBQ aXp6YSBmcm9tIGVhcmxpZXIhDQo


Charlie: [Laughs] That isn't enough for Dur! We really must have much MUCH more.


Clint: [Translating for Ram's benefit.] . She means, she got the munchies and wants you to bring her some snacks so you can go streaking together.


Content-Type: text/plain; charset="iso-8859-1" Content-Transfer-Encoding: quoted-printable

Red: [Grabs a flashlight and stands near the door] Indeed=2C move along people=2C nothing to see. =



Austin : [Opens the door to check that the coast is clear] Okay, let's go!


Clint: [Nods and lead the way on out.] . To the burning building! [Looks around for such a place and, if he spots it, heads that way.]


[RAM nods, and the party turn him by 180 degrees.]

Alice: Should we have turned him the other way? You know, anti-clockwise?

[They turn him again.]

Alice: Okay, now he's facing back the way he was!

[Another turn. RAM is clearly quite dizzy, but nods towards a street.]


Charlie: [Hesitantly] Should we trust him? Alistair did give us directions, didn't he?


Alice: No! We sneaked out before he did. Let's at least check it out, I mean, what's the worst that could happen?


Austin : We could be captured, tortured and killed by HARMA?


Content-Type: text/plain; charset="iso-8859-1" Content-Transfer-Encoding: quoted-printable

Red: If we convince them to reverse that order=2C it will be a lot better. And we can always try to no get caught . [Proudly] I have never been caught= by HARMA. --_42a4bc2b-322b-400f-94ca-4f0bf1386983_


Alice: What about the time you climbed up through the sewer system of a flying boat, got covered in all sorts of disgusting crap and found yourself surrounded by HARMA officers who were subsequently killed in a Tomatonado?

;;; That, of course, happened to the party BEFORE Red joined


Charlie: [Shudders] Oh, those horrid mimes! [To the party] Very well, we shall follow his directions, but let us be ready for a trap!


[The party advance in the direction indicated by RAM.]

Alice: Charlie is right, those HARMA guys are very sneaky, let's make sure we're on our toes. Oh look, maybe this guy can show us the way?

[Standing up ahead of the party is BORIS AHMAR, a man with an extremely unnerving smile.]

Boris: Hail, fellow 'dents!


Austin : [To Alice] Maybe we can just ask him to go away. He looks weird.


Clint: [Snorts.] Have you taken a good look at us and what we're wearing at the moment, lawyer? It's not like we're in any position to criticize!


Austin : Mr Scar, you look better now than you have done in years. Almost human.


Alice: Well, let's not go crazy, Aus -- it's not like anyone is going to mistake him for one... well, other than Dur.

Boris: Hey friends! Where's the fire? [Slightly crazy laugh] Ha ha ha!


Charlie: [Taken aback, laughs nervously] Oh, yes! Quite! [Looks around] Where IS the fire?!


Alice: Er, the Cucumber Sandwich Shop?

Boris: [Unnerving laugh] Ha ha ha. That is so typical of them. They constantly burn cucumber sandwiches. Let us put it out before they burn more.


Austin : We are not risking our lives to save a few sandwiches. Are there people trapped inside?


Alice: [To Austin] It's not the burning cucumber sandwiches that we're trying to save, it's the time machine!


Charlie: [To Boris] Do leave this dangerous work to the professionals! Just point us in the direction of the sandwich shop, and we shall be on our way!


Clint: But until the professionals show up, leave the dangerous work to us!


Boris: Of course! The sandwich shop is over there. [Points further away]

;;; Maikel is out today

Red: Someone must have lit it and ran away. You should find them. [Points back towards Ram] I think they went that-a-way.

Boris: Yes, I bet they did. [Makes no move]


TGFzdCBmcm9tIENvbm9yICM3Nw0KDQo+Qm9yaXM6IE9mIGNvdXJzZSEgVGhlIHNhbmR3aWNoIHNo b3AgaXMgb3ZlciB0aGVyZS4gW1BvaW50cyBmdXJ0aGVyIGF3YXldDQo+DQo+UmVkOiBTb21lb25l IG11c3QgaGF2ZSBsaXQgaXQgYW5kIHJhbiBhd2F5LiBZb3Ugc2hvdWxkIGZpbmQgdGhlbS4gW1Bv aW50cyBiYWNrIHRvd2FyZHMgUmFtXSBJIHRoaW5rIHRoZXkgd2VudCB0aGF0LWEtd2F5Lg0KPg0K PkJvcmlzOiBZZXMsIEkgYmV0IHRoZXkgZGlkLiBbTWFrZXMgbm8gbW92ZV0NCg0KRHVyOiBXZWxs IHRoZW4gd2h5IGFyZSB5b3UganVzdCBzdGFuZGluZyB0aGVyZSE/DQo


Boris: Ha. Ha. Ha. [Keeps smiling his scary smile]


Clint: [To Boris] Anyone ever tell you that your really, really creepy? Even by our standards!


Boris: All the time! Ha. Ha. Ha.

Alice: So, er, other than being really creepy, what are you?

Boris: My name is Boris Ahmar. My friend calls me 'oris. I am a student. I like not learning and eating deep friend cucumber sandwiches. Ha. Ha. Ha.


Charlie: I am sorry to say they might not be your friends! [Confidentially] 'oris is a positively horrid name.


Boris: Ha. Ha. Ha.

Alice: [To the party] Er, let's just get out of here!




Austin : [Looks around to see if he can see fire or smoke anywhere. To Dur] I would not waste effort on him, he is too simple to follow even the most basic instructions.


Boris: Ha. Ha. Ha. It certainly seems that way.

[There is definitely some smoke coming from the direction indicated by 'ORIS.]


Austin : [To Boris] Your acting is excellent, you are a most convincing fool. [To the party] Let's get moving! [Heads off in the direction of the smoke]


[The party, accompanied by BORIS, round the corner and spot "Alfred's Cucumber and Amusing Shaped Vegetable Sandwich Shoppe", which is right beside a building which is completely engulfed in flames.]

Boris: Look, they have a cabbage shaped like Joe Nunpar's head. Ha. Ha.

Alice: And look! A starfruit shaped like a star! [Thinks] Hm, is a starfruit a fruit or a vegetable?


Charlie: [To the party, looking at the burning building skeptically] Does anyone see a way inside? Or some water to douse the fire with?!


Alice: Nothing! [To Boris] Do you have any water?

Boris: [Stares at Alice, still wearing his weird smile] No! Ha. Ha. Ha.


Content-Type: text/plain; charset=UTF-8

Austin: [to boris] why are you following us?



Content-Type: text/plain; charset="iso-8859-1" Content-Transfer-Encoding: quoted-printable

Red: I got more fire=2C yet I don't think we can fight this fire with fire.=



Boris: Ha. Ha. I like hanging out with the gang. Let us get some sambos. Deepfried cucumber. [Rubs his stomach] The food of rebels.


Charlie: [To the group, resigned] Perhaps we had better go back to the time machine we've used before! This one appears to be decidedly unusable!


Alice: Really, Charlie? A cucumber sandwich shop and you're just going to walk away?


Content-Type: text/plain; charset="iso-8859-1" Content-Transfer-Encoding: quoted-printable

Red: Yes! Because... [Ponders for quite some time] Wait what was I talking about? O yeah=2C because with the time machine=2C the sandwiches will be ev= en fresher! --_862a1635-40d7-461d-828b-2549874221bc_


Alice: The time machine that's on fire?

Boris: Ha. Ha. Ha. You made a funny joke.


Charlie: [To Alice] Do be serious! We can take our sandwiches to go. [Commandingly] To the sandwichery!


Clint: Fine, but can we ditch the freak first?


Alice: Stinky! [Points to Dur] He's standing right there!


Content-Type: text/plain; charset="iso-8859-1" Content-Transfer-Encoding: quoted-printable

Red: [Insulted] Indeed! [Gently smiling] I like your honesty=2C [frowns] But that is a bit mean after what we have been too. =



Alice: Uh.... [puzzled] Ha. Ha. Ha.


Austin : [Claps his hands] Burning time machine people! Let's go! Try to stay focused!


Charlie: [Looks at Austin and beams] Mr. Sleaze, I have never found you a more satisfying colleague! [To the party] You heard the man--let us douse this fire somehow!


Austin : All in a days work Sarge! [Looks around for a large water supply/hose. Looks in the building to see how bad the fire is]


[The building is completely ablaze, and there's no obvious water sources.]

Alice: Maybe the sandwich shop has some water?


Austin : Everyone search for a water supply! [Searches around the place]


Charlie: [Heads for the sandwich shop] Quickly, group! They must have some water here, to keep the cucumbers hydrated!


Alice: Yeesh, you just HAD to go to the Cucumber Sandwich Shop, didn't you?

[Exit ALL into the shop.]

;;; End of scene, next one coming right up


[Book X, Act X, Scene VII. The Cucumber Sandwich Shop. ALICE, AUSTIN, CHARLIE, CLINT, DUR, RED and BORIS have just charged in the door. The shop is very nicely laid out, with all sorts of impossibly delicate cucumber sandwiches placed around, as well as a shelf of amusing shaped vegetables. The proprietor, LESLEY WHITAKER-BUCKET, a well dressed man with a silver tray, stands inside the counter.]

Boris: Lesley! My old friend. [Smiles manically]

Lesley: It is pronounced Less-Lay.


TGFzdCBmcm9tIENvbm9yICMxDQoNCj4gICAgICAgIFtCb29rIFgsIEFjdCBYLCBTY2VuZSBWSUku IFRoZSBDdWN1bWJlciBTYW5kd2ljaCBTaG9wLiBBTElDRSwgQVVTVElOLCBDSEFSTElFLCBDTElO VCwgRFVSLCBSRUQgYW5kIEJPUklTIGhhdmUganVzdCBjaGFyZ2VkIGluIHRoZSBkb29yLiBUaGUg c2hvcCBpcyB2ZXJ5IG5pY2VseSBsYWlkIG91dCwgd2l0aCBhbGwgc29ydHMgb2YgaW1wb3NzaWJs eSBkZWxpY2F0ZSBjdWN1bWJlciBzYW5kd2ljaGVzIHBsYWNlZCBhcm91bmQsIGFzID53ZWxsIGFz IGEgc2hlbGYgb2YgYW11c2luZyBzaGFwZWQgdmVnZXRhYmxlcy4gVGhlIHByb3ByaWV0b3IsIExF U0xFWSBXSElUQUtFUi1CVUNLRVQsIGEgd2VsbCBkcmVzc2VkIG1hbiB3aXRoIGEgc2lsdmVyIHRy YXksIHN0YW5kcyBpbnNpZGUgdGhlIGNvdW50ZXIuXQ0KPg0KPkJvcmlzOiBMZXNsZXkhIE15IG9s ZCBmcmllbmQuIFtTbWlsZXMgbWFuaWNhbGx5XQ0KPg0KPkxlc2xleTogSXQgaXMgcHJvbm91bmNl ZCBMZXNzLUxheS4NCg0KDQpEdXI6IEhvdyBhYm91dCB3ZSBwcm9ub3VuY2UgaXQgTGVzcy1TaHV0 LVRoZS1IZWxsLVVwLUFuZC1MaXN0ZW4hDQoNCjs7OyBHb29kIG1vcm5pbmcgZnJpZW5kcyBbd2lk ZSBtYW5pYWNhbCBzbWlsZV0uIEZvdW5kIG91dCB5ZXN0ZXJkYXkgdGhhdCBJIGdvdCB0aGUgam9i IEkgaGFkIGFwcGxpZWQgZm9yISBJdHMga2luZCBvZiBhIGhvcml6b250YWwgcHJvbW90aW9uIGJ1 dCBpdCBpcyBtdWNoIGJldHRlciBmb3IgbXkgY2FyZWVyIHRoYW4gbXkgY3VycmVudCBwb3NpdGlv bi4gRG9uJ3Qgd29ycnkgdGhvdWdoLCBzYW1lIGUtbWFpbCBhbmQgZXZlcnl0aGluZy4NCg


Charlie: [Quickly] He does not mean to be rude, but we have quite an urgent situation! We need water, and quickly! Chop chop!!

;;; Hooray, congrats!


TGFzdCBmcm9tIEhlYXRoZXIgIzMNCg0KPkNoYXJsaWU6IFtRdWlja2x5XSBIZSBkb2VzIG5vdCBt ZWFuIHRvIGJlIHJ1ZGUsIGJ1dCB3ZSBoYXZlIHF1aXRlIGFuIHVyZ2VudCBzaXR1YXRpb24hICBX ZSBuZWVkIHdhdGVyLCBhbmQgcXVpY2tseSEgIENob3AgY2hvcCEhDQoNCkR1cjogWWVzISBXYXRl ciwgdGhlIGxpcXVpZHkgZ2l2ZXIgb2YgbGlmZS4gSXQgbG9va3Mga2luZGEgbGlrZSB0aGlzLi4u IFtEdXIgdHJpZXMgdG8gY2FzdCBDcmVhdGUgV2F0ZXIgKGh0dHA6Ly9kdW5nZW9ucy53aWtpYS5j b20vd2lraS9TUkQ6Q2xlcmljX1NwZWxsX0xpc3QpLiBJZiBzdWNjZXNzZnVsIGhlIGRvZXNuJ3Qg bG9vayBmb3IgYW55IGtpbmQgb2YgY29udGFpbmVyIG9yIGFueXRoaW5nIGJ1dCBpbnN0ZWFkIGp1 c3QgbGV0cyBpdCBzcGxhc2ggdG8gdGhlIGZsb29yLl0NCg


pell_List). If successful he doesn't look for any kind of container or anything but instead just lets it splash to the floor.]

Austin : [Surprised] You could have cast that onto the fire!


TGFzdCBmcm9tIENvbSAjNQ0KDQo+QXVzdGluIDogW1N1cnByaXNlZF0gWW91IGNvdWxkIGhhdmUg Y2FzdCB0aGF0IG9udG8gdGhlIGZpcmUhDQoNCkR1cjogW0JsaW5rcyBhcyBpZiBjb25mdXNlZF0g QnV0IHdlJ3JlIG5vdCBBVCB0aGUgZmlyZSBhbnltb3JlLiBTaGVlc2gsIHBheSBhdHRlbnRpb24g QXVzdGluIQ0K


Clint: Never mind that! [To Lesley] Take us to your liters.

;;; Congrats, Kevin. On an unrelated note, I have to head off to do

car stuff this morning,

;;; so am probably done for the day, alas.


Alice: [Gives Austin a disgusted look] And you call yourself a fireman?

[The water splashes onto the floor.]

Lesley: I say! What on earth are you doing? Place the water in a container. There are several on the shelf behind you!

[The shelf contains a display of tiny cups, each no bigger than a shot glass.]

;;; Excellent stuff, Kevin! Well done!


Austin : [To Lesley] Do you have a large and consistent water supply and a length of hose pipe?

;;;; happy days Kevin!


Lesley: I think you mean a Jose pipe, and yes, yes I do. What sort of attachment do you require at the end of the Jose?


Charlie: [Puzzled] Who is Jose? [Brightens] Oh, a servant lad, perhaps? Yes, do fetch him, and tell him to bring a hose!


Lesley: Oh, dear, I'm afraid I really have no idea what you are trying to say. Do enunciate clearly.


Austin : Please excuse her, her education was somewhat lacking. We would be most grateful if we could use an attachment that allowed us to control the rate of flow and permitted the flow to be focused, tightly.

;;; sigh :)


Lesley: Ah, of course, although I think you mean "flaw". [Produces a hose with a suspiciously small tip] Here you are, my good sir.

;;; All these damned cucumber sandwich shop owners are the same!


Charlie: [Grabs the hose and studies it skeptically. To Lesley] Right, is there anyone sensible working here?


Lesley: I'm sorry -- I really don't understand a word she's saying.

Alice: You do know that there's a raging fire next door, right?

Lesley: You mean a ragging fire? Yes, quite.


Austin : We are trying to put out the fire next door, could you show us where the kitchen or WC is please?


Content-Type: text/plain; charset="iso-8859-1" Content-Transfer-Encoding: quoted-printable

Red: Aah=2C it seems this is a man of class=2C you need a special way to talk to them. [lifts up his pinky.] Or a garden "jose" [adds the gesture] =2C = firetruck=2C watertruck or gargantuan water balloon will also do. =3B=3B=3B Cheers Kevin! 3B=3B=3B Sorry for being late=2C ran a grimefighter today and that took hostage of my PC for a few hours. =



Lesley: If you want to put out the fire, why don't you just travel back in time and stop it when it is small?


Charlie: Travel back in time? In the time machine that is on fire, you mean?


Austin : Well it's not getting any less on fire whilst we stand here. No time like the present! Let's go.


TGFzdCBmcm9tIERvbSAjMjENCg0KPkF1c3RpbiA6IFdlbGwgaXQncyBub3QgZ2V0dGluZyBhbnkg bGVzcyBvbiBmaXJlIHdoaWxzdCB3ZSBzdGFuZCBoZXJlLiBObyB0aW1lIGxpa2UgdGhlIHByZXNl bnQhIExldCdzIGdvLg0KDQpEdXI6IEkgd2lsbCB0cnkgdG8gZmVuZCBvZmYgdGhlIGZsYW1lcyBh cyBiZXN0IEkgY2FuISBbR2V0cyByZWFkeSB0byBjYXN0IENSRUFURSBXQVRFUiBhcyBuZWVkZWRd DQo


Lesley: The time machine is not on fire. [Holds up his tray of sandwiches] Would any like a cucumber sandwich with the crusts cut off?


Content-Type: text/plain; charset="iso-8859-1" Content-Transfer-Encoding: quoted-printable

Red: I'd love one [grabs a sandwich] . Would you also have a secret door to the time machine? If possible one that is not on fire. =



Austin : why thank you. [Takes a sandwhich] Heros like us rarely get time to eat! [Delicately nibbles his sandwhich]


Lesley: No, we do not have a secret door.

Alice: [Takes a sandwich and swallows it whole] But you do have a time machine? [Looks startled] Oh my GOD! That's the best god damned sandwich I've ever eaten! I think I just peed myself a little!

Lesley: We get that a lot.

Boris: Ha. Ha. Ha. Where is the time machine, loser? My 'dent buds and I want one.


Clint: Just a sec. We need to lose that guy in the worst way. [Goes to bop Boris upside the head.]


[CLINT smacks BORIS hard with the hilt of his sword.]

Boris: [With blood dripping down from the top of his head] Ow. That really hurt. Ha. Ha. Ha.

Lesley: Perhaps I could interest sirs or madams in a ham mere?


Charlie: Just the time machine, please! [Tries to enunciate as crazily as possible] I mean the tim match-in-ay, that is.


Lesley: My fear is that this obvious HARMA agent will immediately try to steal the tim match-in-ay. Are you sure madam won't like a ham mere? To ham mere him on the head?


Austin : Yes she would like a ham mere to ham mere him on the head!


[In a flash, LESLEY produces a silver tray with a large hammer on it.]

Boris: You won't do that. It could kill me. [Smiles] Ha. Ha. Ha.


Austin : [To Charlie] He is correct, it could take a few hits. Let me know if you get tired.


Content-Type: text/plain; charset="iso-8859-1" Content-Transfer-Encoding: quoted-printable

Red: I don't know what your burning desires are=2C but I desire to enter the burning building without dieing. And that is getting harder by the second= . [Grabs all the usefull items and looks around for a hose=2C jose or cluewhere to find one.] 3B=3B=3B I'm out=2C dinner at friends time! --_95fcde45-0406-4052-8e3b-b912b44e8bb6_


Last room Conor #34

Clint: C'mon, Sarge, it's banner time ! [Bops Boris again, on general principle.]


Boris: Ow! Ha. Ha. I think I have a concussion. Ha. Ha. Ha.


Charlie: [To Clint] One more time, for good measure?


Clint: Don't mind if I do! [Obliges, and with great enthusiasm.]


Austin : [To Charlie] Sorry Sarge, you are taking far too long [Takes the hammer and hammers Boris unconscious if he can]


[Crack! BORIS is knocked unconscious.]

Alice: Hurrah! Now, quickly, where's the time machine?

Lesley: I bet your pardon?

Alice: The tee-am mack hine?

Lesley: I really have no idea what you are talking about. [Holds up a tray of sandwiches] Sandwich?


Austin : Could you show us where the time machine is please?


Austin : Could you show us to the time machine please? [Nibbles at another sandwich]


Lesley: Certainly! It is really rather spectacular! It is in the next room.

[BORIS suddenly wakes.]

Boris: I think I am very badly injured. [Smiles crazily] Ha. Ha. Haaaaa. [Falls unconscious]

;;; And there we will break for TWO weeks!


Content-Type: text/plain; charset="iso-8859-1" Content-Transfer-Encoding: quoted-printable

3B=3B=3B Aw :<=2C see you all in two weeks! --_95d8dc6d-9d7e-44a9-837e-e8efa97b5b06_


Lesley: [Dramatically throwing open some double doors] Behold! The Tee-am mack hine!

Alice: [Disappointed] The time machine is a sheet?

Lesley: No, it's underneath the sheet!


Austin : [Carefully pulls the sheet off and passes it to Alice] Ta-da!

;;; hope you all survived thanksgiving! For some reason we just do

black Friday with no thanksgiving ...


Charlie: [Excited] At last! [Watches to see the time machine appear]

;;; That's how it is in Ireland, too! But, being a half-American household, we

;;; had the family over and ate ourselves into comas anyway!


[In the middle of the room stands the gleaming Time Machine. It appears to be a child's tricycle.]

Alice: I think it looked better with the sheet on it!


Austin : [Looking uneasy and a little nervous] How does it work?


Lesley: Get it up to 8.8 mph and it will do the time jump.

Alice: I'm sorry, but that's the stupidest looking time machine I've ever seen.

Lesley: Really? [Leans over and rings the bell] Still think it's looks stupid?


Charlie: [Awkwardly sits on the tricycle seat] How does one work the pedals? [Tries to use her knees on the pedals]


Alice: No no no! You sit facing the other way!


Austin : I think we will all need to get on it at the same time and reach 8.8 mph! I hope it doesn't break it!


Alice: Will it really be able to got that fast?

Lesley: Of course! Look! It has go faster tassels on the side!


TGFzdCBmcm9tIENvbm9yICM1MQ0KDQo+QWxpY2U6IFdpbGwgaXQgcmVhbGx5IGJlIGFibGUgdG8g Z290IHRoYXQgZmFzdD8NCj4NCj5MZXNsZXk6IE9mIGNvdXJzZSEgTG9vayEgSXQgaGFzIGdvIGZh c3RlciB0YXNzZWxzIG9uIHRoZSBzaWRlIQ0KDQpEdXI6IFdlbGwgYXQgbGVhc3QgdGhhdCBzZXR0 bGVzIHRoYXQgaXNzdWUhIFNoYWxsIHdlIGJlZ2luPw0KDQo7OzsgSGkgZXZlcnlib2R5ISBCYWNr IGZyb20gdmFjYXRpb24uIEkgYW0gZ29pbmcgdG8gdHJ5IHRvIGdldCBjYXVnaHQgdXAgYW5kIGp1 bXAgYmFjayBpbnRvIHRoZSBnYW1lIHRoaXMgd2VlayBidXQgSSBzdGFydCBteSBuZXcgam9iIHRv ZGF5IGFuZCBpdCBpcyBnb2luZyB0byByZXF1aXJlIGEgZ29vZCBiaXQgb2YgdHJhaW5pbmcgYW5k IGRldmVsb3BtZW50IHNvIEkgd2lsbCBiZSBpbiBhbmQgb3V0IG9mIG15IG9mZmljZS4gDQo


Alice: [Stands on one of the bars at the back] Go! Go! Go!


Austin : [Stands on another bar at the back] Wait for everyone to get on!


Charlie: [Tortuously trying to move the pedals] And do hurry! I shall have us going at a blinding speed momentarily!


TGFzdCBmcm9tIEhlYXRoZXIgIzU1DQoNCj5DaGFybGllOiBbVG9ydHVvdXNseSB0cnlpbmcgdG8g bW92ZSB0aGUgcGVkYWxzXSBBbmQgZG8gaHVycnkhICBJIHNoYWxsIGhhdmUgdXMgZ29pbmcgYXQg YSBibGluZGluZyBzcGVlZCBtb21lbnRhcmlseSENCg0KRHVyOiBbQ2xpbWJzIGFib2FyZF0gSG93 IGV4aGlsYXJhdGluZyEgUHVtcCB0aG9zZSBsZWdzIGdpcmwhIA0K


[Cree-eaaak! The tricycle moves on about a foot.]

Alice: Are we travelling in time yet?


Charlie: Group, I think we must face the possibility that this is not, in fact, a time machine!


Clint: How 'bout if the lightest person here hops on and the rest of us keep one foot on the "time machine" and push? Or maybe this is just not a time machine.


Alice: Sh! Sh! Everybody be quiet -- something has just dawned on me. Maybe, just maybe... this is, in actual fact, not a time machine!


Clint: Now what would give you a crazy idea like that, Bimbo?


Austin : [Looks doubtfully at the tricycle] It's not that crazy! How on earth would you get this to 8.8mph?


Content-Type: text/plain; charset="iso-8859-1" Content-Transfer-Encoding: quoted-printable

Red: [Smiles slightly creepy] Rocket power.... or a ramp or downhill slope=2C but rocket power! [Takes a seat on the wheel] =



Alice: If only we could find some sort of coyote who's trying to catch a Road Runner!


Austin : [To Lesley] Where is the real time machine?


Charlie: Indeed, where?! And no more of your silly pranks!


Lesley: This IS the time machine! Surely you can find a way to make it go fast?


Austin : Well, we could all push with one foot each. [Looks to see if the others are pushing with one foot] Come along now group, put some effort into it!


TGFzdCBmcm9tIERvbSAjNjgNCg0KPkF1c3RpbiA6IFdlbGwsIHdlIGNvdWxkIGFsbCBwdXNoIHdp dGggb25lIGZvb3QgZWFjaC4gW0xvb2tzIHRvIHNlZSBpZiB0aGUgb3RoZXJzIGFyZSBwdXNoaW5n IHdpdGggb25lIGZvb3RdIENvbWUgYWxvbmcgbm93IGdyb3VwLCBwdXQgc29tZSBlZmZvcnQgaW50 byBpdCENCg0KRHVyOiBbSGVscGluZyBwdXNoXSBUb28gbXVjaCBvZiB0aGlzIGFuZCBteSBjYXBh Y2l0b3Igd2lsbCBiZSBpbiBmbHV4IQ0K


Charlie: [Joins in pushing] Well done, team! We shall have it going in no time!


Content-Type: text/plain; charset="iso-8859-1" Content-Transfer-Encoding: quoted-printable

Red: [Holds the steering wheel and runs on the front tire like a treadmill] This is less comfortable than I imagined a time machine to be. Isn't there= a thyme machine or something that travels in time? --_28d95dfe-cc88-4c73-b73d-04e1a51592b0_


Alice: It's working! It's working!

[Crash! The time machine smashes into the wall.]

Alice: Did it work?


Clint: No. What we need is a hill. Are there any around here?


Lesley: Yes! The Very Steep Hill is quite close.


Charlie: Splendid! [To Clint] Carry the time machine to the hill, Mr. Scar! We shall let gravity do the work for us!


Clint: Hell, it's not like letting something else do the work for us isn't our normal m.o. anyway! [Picks up the trike of time.]


[CLINT pushes the door open. The shoppe is at the bottom of very, very steep hill.]

Alice: Yikes! Maybe we should just tie Stinky to the front??


Clint: [Looks up at the very steep hill with great distaste.] Well, at least it will get us going fast enough! [Starts climbing.]


[Almost immediately the party spot a bunch of HARMA officers, lead by none other than JOE NUNPAR. The party duck and hide behind the time machine.]

Alice: What are we going to do?


Charlie: We must keep moving to the top of the hill! Going through time will allow us to escape!


Alice: She's right -- these guys are idiots, they'll never spot us. Come on!

[Almost immediately, one of the HARMA officers spots the party.]

Officer: Hey! There they are!


Charlie: [Gasps] They've stepped up their hiring practices! [To the party] Hurry! Up the hill!


Alice: I don't know, Charlie! We have to get past them!

[The HARMA officers are heading towards the party.]

Alice: Let's dive into another shop!


Charlie: Curses! [Quickly heads into the nearest shop]

;;; Sorry, Conor! I thought there were behind us.


Austin : [Sighs, looks around for a quick get away, or a slope to go down] If only there was a unicorn shop!


Content-Type: text/plain; charset=UTF-8

Alice: How about this pet shop? [Points to Pete's Pet Place]



Austin : That will do I suppose [Heads to the pet shop]

;;; assuming Charlie is going there too?


Charlie: [Eagerly follows Austin in the pet shop, excited] How wonderful! Oh, I do hope they have kittens!


[The shop is crammed full of the most adorable kittens ever.]


Austin : Quickly, release the kittens between us and HARMA! [Starts releasing the kitten wall of protection]


Charlie: Good idea, Mr. Sleaze! Not even those heartless HARMA agents can resist adorable kittens! [Releases one kitten, cuddles it lovingly, and squeals] Oh, aren't you the sweetest little thing?!


TGFzdCBmcm9tIEhlYXRoZXIgIzkwDQoNCj5DaGFybGllOiBHb29kIGlkZWEsIE1yLiBTbGVhemUh ICBOb3QgZXZlbiB0aG9zZSBoZWFydGxlc3MgSEFSTUEgYWdlbnRzIGNhbiByZXNpc3QgYWRvcmFi bGUga2l0dGVucyEgIFtSZWxlYXNlcyBvbmUga2l0dGVuLCBjdWRkbGVzIGl0IGxvdmluZ2x5LCBh bmQgc3F1ZWFsc10gT2gsIGFyZW4ndCB5b3UgdGhlIHN3ZWV0ZXN0IGxpdHRsZSB0aGluZz8hDQoN CkR1cjogSXQgd291bGQgYmUgYmV0dGVyIGlmIHRoZXkgd2VyZSBhIHNtYWxsIGFybXkgb2YgY3Vk ZGx5IFVuaWNvcm5zIGJ1dCBpdCB3aWxsIGhhdmUgdG8gZG8hDQo


Austin : [To Dur] Just don't try to eat them! [Looks for a back way out]


Last from Dom 92

Alice: Before you go too far with the kitten wall, look at all these cat leashes! I think I just had a brilliant idea!=


Charlie: If it involves getting kittens to wear leashes, I have news for you--they do NOT like wearing leashes!


Austin : I think that might be the brilliant idea! But do we have time?


Alice: Wow, Charlie! You're a genius! I was going to suggest something completely different -- but I'm not sure they have enough frogs.


Charlie: [Urgently] Well, whatever the plan, it must be executed quickly! Hurry, group! Harness these little darlings to the time machine!


Austin : [Does a double take at Charlie] Do you think they will be able to reach 8.8 mph? [Shrugs. Puts on some kitten protection gauntlets and starts harnessing kittens to the tricycle]


Alice: Don't be so ridic, Aus! They are adorable, they won't hurt a fly! [bends down to pick up one and is immediately savaged] Ow!


Content-Type: text/plain; charset="iso-8859-1" Content-Transfer-Encoding: quoted-printable

Red: If we can channel that ferocity into speed than this should be easy! [exchanges a death stare with a killer kitty=2C which changes in a full blow= n staring contest including hisses from both sides.]



Alice: I can't get the collar around the really weird looking one! [Points at Red's much-larger-than-cat's neck]


Clint: [Harnessing away madly] . We'll need that one on the time machine with us, Bimbo.


Alice: Ta-da! [Proudly shows that she has a leash securely fastened to the time machine]

[An interior door opens. Enter PETE PAYT, an irate looking man with a cat.]

Pete: Hey! What are you doing with my kitties?


Clint: [Nonchalantly.] We're hooking them up to this time machine before HARMA manages to get here and confiscate them all, obviously! [More threateningly.] You got a problem with that?


Charlie: [Reassuringly] Not to worry, we shall bring them back unharmed. We simply ADORE kittens, I assure you!


Charlie: [To Pete, urgently] We are trying to save them by taking them on a journey [dramatically] through time!


Pete: [Starts putting some leashes on the cats] My kitty cats are highly trained! This will make it easier to get them leashed up!=


Austin : [Putting on more leashes] Can you get them to pull us on the time machine once they are all leashed? We need to reach 8.8 mph to save the world!


Pete: Can I? Does a Kinkalow like strawberries?


Austin : Well, let's hope they do otherwise the world will end shortly [Smiles kindly at Pete]


Pete: Well, they do! They love those things! They'd eat them all the time if they had the chance! I could show you if you'd like!


Charlie: [Quickly] We have no time just now, but we shall be back to learn more!


Austin : Are we ready? [Looks at the kitten powered time-machine] All aboard!


Content-Type: text/plain; charset="iso-8859-1" Content-Transfer-Encoding: quoted-printable

Red: [Still staring to the kitty=2C which is now wearing a collar. Both sitting on command.] Almost done here=2C I feel I almost won! [Sneezes and bli= nkes] Or.... I had to sneeze. [To the cat] You win this round=2C but I willbe back! [Hops on the trime machine.] 3B=3B=3B trike machine? not sure how to make it a witty name :p =



s] Or.... I had to sneeze. [To the cat] You win this round, but I will be back! [Hops on thetrime machine.]

Dur: [Frowning] Your failure to defeat a fluffy kitten does not bode well for our mission.


Alice: [Bleeding from several places] Yeah, beaten by a kitty! Pff!


Content-Type: text/plain; charset="iso-8859-1" Content-Transfer-Encoding: quoted-printable

Red: This kitty was trained to purrrfection! Next time I'll bring a cat-apult. Let us continue on evading a cat-tastrophy=2C let's leave right meow! =



Charlie: [Giggles] Oh, quite! If Joe Nunpar catches us, he will be in-FURR-iated! [Laughs hysterically at her own lame joke]


Alice: Oh! Oh! [Struggling to keep from laughing] And we've got some kit-tens! [Looks confused] Hm.

Pete: Let's go! I don't HARMA getting near here. The very thought of it is making kit-tens.

Alice: Hey! That was my joke!

Pete: Was it?

Alice: No...

[Exit the party through the back door.]

;;; End of scene, next one coming right up!


[Book IX, Act X, Scene VIII. A Back Alley. ALICE, AUSTIN, CHARLIE, CLINT, DUR, RED and PETE are here, along with lots of cats and the time machine. The alleyway is barely nine kittens across.]

Alice: It's barely big enough to swing a cat in!

Pete: Why would you want to do that?

Alice: I don't know!

Pete: Do you swing cats?

Alice: Hardly ever!


Charlie: [To Pete] You brute! You are not fit to scoop their litter trays! [More pleasantly] Also, er, thank you for the loan of these little darlings!


Austin : Lets get this show on the road! [To Pete] Can you get them to tow us to 8.8 mph?


Pete: Hey! [Points at Alice] She's the one who's a cat swinger, not me!

Alice: Come on, that's not what I meant at all! I'm really more of a cat spinner than a spinner.

[PETE gasps in horror.]

Alice: Oh please! Who here hasn't spun the occasional cat!


Charlie: [To Pete] Oh, I do apologize! Given how deeply cats seem to hate Alice [nods to her savage scratch-marks] , I naturally assumed no cat would let her get close enough to swing--or spin!--it!


Content-Type: text/plain; charset="iso-8859-1" Content-Transfer-Encoding: quoted-printable

Red: The little fur balls are quite the catversary=2C they should be safe. First=2C let's find out what the ratio is between equine en feline power. [= Jumps on the trick again and prepares to spur them once all are aboard (or when Red is a-bored). =



Clint: I just hope we've got enough of these stupid kittens to get us going fast enough. [Stands with one foot on the trike so he can help push.]


[Everyone gets on the trike, including PETE.]

Pete: Fly, my pretties! Fly!

[The kittens, unfortunately, do not fly.]


Content-Type: text/plain; charset="iso-8859-1" Content-Transfer-Encoding: quoted-printable

Red: [Sees the furballs not move a paw] Run kitties! [Adds dramatic effect=2C B-movie worthy] RUUUuuuuuuuUUUuun! 3B=3B=3B Think mister Cage with "Not the bees" kind of enthusiasms =



Charlie: [Joins Red enthusiastically] Hurry, little darlings! You shall have delicious treats afterward!


Austin : [Grabs a ball of catnip *if he can* and fastens it to a string on a stick to wave in front of the kittens to get them to tow the trike in the right direction ...] Quickly!


[The kittens start to snarl and charge after the trike.]

Alice: Hurray! It's going to work! What's the speed? [Looks at the speedometer which reads "4mph"]


Charlie: [Ponders] We must sweeten the incentive! [To Dur] Surely you have a fish or a hunk of raw meat somewhere in your knapsack?


Alice: That'll never work -- he'll never give it to them! Here, Aus, put this sparkly piece of thread on the line! [Hands some thread to Austin]

[The speed increases to 5mph]


Charlie: [Excited] It's working! Here, let us add this little bell, to excite their interest! [Ties a small jingle bell to the sparkly thread]


TGFzdCBmcm9tIEhlYXRoZXIgIzE2DQoNCj5DaGFybGllOiBbRXhjaXRlZF0gSXQncyB3b3JraW5n ISAgSGVyZSwgbGV0IHVzIGFkZCB0aGlzIGxpdHRsZSBiZWxsLCB0byBleGNpdGUgdGhlaXIgaW50 ZXJlc3QhICBbVGllcyBhIHNtYWxsIGppbmdsZSBiZWxsIHRvIHRoZSBzcGFya2x5IHRocmVhZF0N Cg0KRHVyOiBQZXJoYXBzIGZlYXIgaXMgYSBtb3JlIHBvd2VyZnVsIG1vdGl2YXRvcj8gSSBzYXkg dGhlcmUgdGlueSBmbHVmZnkgYmVhc3RzISBJIGhhdmUgYmVlbiBjb25zaWRlcmluZyBleHBhbmRp bmcgbXkgbWVkaWNhbCBleHBlcnRpc2UgdG8gaW5jbHVkZSB0aGUgdmV0ZXJpbmFyaWFuIGFydHMh IFBlcmhhcHMgc3VyZ2VyeSB0byBncmFmdCBvbiB0aGUgbGVncyBvbiBsYXJnZXIgY2F0cyB3aWxs IGhlbHAgeW91IHRvIHJ1biBmYXN0ZXIhDQo


Clint: Or maybe it's pain we need! Bimbo, I'm going to need a whip or a riding crop or something, and something tells me you have one handy...


[Between CHARLIE's bell and DUR's threatened surgery, the kittens increase their speed to a mind numbing 7.6mph.]

Alice: Great idea, Stinky! [Produces a whip and cracks it off Clint's rear] Mush!

[Bizarrely, the speed increases to 7.8mph.]


Austin : Perhaps we could be more streamlined! [Swiftly gels his hair back and ducks in behind Alice]


Alice: Don't be so ridic!


Alice: Gah!




Austin : [Spraying Dur with a very expensive 'eau de parfum'] That is a step too far Mr Dur! Try to loose some excess weight! [Throws his kitty gauntlets aside]


Charlie: [Relieved] Indeed, there is no need for flatulence! [To Alice] Quickly, throw your make-up and boy band magazines overboard!


TGFzdCBmcm9tIEhlYXRoZXIgIzIzDQoNCj5DaGFybGllOiBbUmVsaWV2ZWRdIEluZGVlZCwgdGhl cmUgaXMgbm8gbmVlZCBmb3IgZmxhdHVsZW5jZSEgIFtUbyBBbGljZV0gUXVpY2tseSwgdGhyb3cg eW91ciBtYWtlLXVwIGFuZCBib3kgYmFuZCBtYWdhemluZXMgb3ZlcmJvYXJkIQ0KDQpEdXI6IFdl bGwgaWYgeW91IHRob3VnaHQgdGhhdCB3YXMgdG9vIGZhciwgeW91J3JlIGdvaW5nIHRvIGxvdmUg dGhpcyEgW0Rpc3JvYmVzIGFuZCB0aHJvd3MgaGlzIGFjY2VzcyBjbG90aGluZyBvZmYgdGhlIHJp Z10NCg


Clint: Doc, I'm warning you, don't make me throw *you* overboard! [Casts about for extra weight.]


[The weight of DUR's clothes seem to have negligible impact on speed, but the fear instilled in the kittens by close proximity to a naked, flatulent DUR is substantial. 8.2mph.]

Alice: Almost there! And we didn't even have to ditch my hair care products!


Charlie: [To Alice, urgently] Well, [finger quotes] ditch them now! [To Austin] And you, Mr. Sleaze! Surely you can drop an overpriced beauty product or two, for the cause? Naturally, you cannot expect me to drop any of my irreplaceable notes or rare books, and I seriously doubt the others have any possessions to discard, being from the lower classes.


Alice: That's a great idea, Charlie! Let's get rid of some of smelly old books? How about the one about the dinosaur with an unusually large vocabulary?


Austin : On the contrary, I expect you to ditch all of your scribbles! They weigh far more than your brain! [With tears in his eyes, throws his 'eau de parfum', a silver plated nail file and a silk hair net over board] We must all make sacrifices, Sarge!


Charlie: [Wretched] But, but--how can one choose? [Looks at her books unhappily before gently placing a well-worn Compendium of Demonology on the ground, wailing] And I only have two more copies at home! [Brightens and gleefully tosses a thick book of poetry by Jordan, as well] Oh, how splendid! I must have picked up one of Pestilence's books by mistake!


Austin : [Giggles] A likely story! [Remembers something and blushes and deftly throws a book away] Don't need that awful scrawl!


Alice: [To Charlie] Hey! That was mine! [To the party] Well, that counts as something I threw away!

[The party spot a mean looking dog on the side of the street.]


TGFzdCBmcm9tIENvbm9yICMzMQ0KDQo+QWxpY2U6IFtUbyBDaGFybGllXSBIZXkhIFRoYXQgd2Fz IG1pbmUhIFtUbyB0aGUgcGFydHldIFdlbGwsIHRoYXQgY291bnRzIGFzIHNvbWV0aGluZyBJIHRo cmV3IGF3YXkhDQo+DQo+ICAgICAgW1RoZSBwYXJ0eSBzcG90IGEgbWVhbiBsb29raW5nIGRvZyBv biB0aGUgc2lkZSBvZiB0aGUgc3RyZWV0Ll0NCg0KRHVyOiBBaGEhIEkgc2F5LCBhIG5hdHVyYWwg cHJlZGF0b3Igb2YgZmx1ZmZ5IGtpdHRlbnMgbXVzdCBzdXJlbHkgbWFrZSB0aGVzZSBiZWFzdHMg b2YgYnVyZGVuIG1vdmUgdGhlaXIgYXJzZXMuIFtXaGlzdGxlcyB0byB0aGUgZG9nIGFuZCBkcm9w cyBiaXRzIG9mIHdoYXQgdXNlZCB0byBiZSBzYW5kd2ljaCBmb3IgaXQuXQ0K


Alice: Great idea, Dur! You're a genius!

[The dog races out, eats the bits of sandwich and immediately drops dead.]


Austin : [Deadpan] It takes one to know one! [Looks in horror at the dead dog] Remind me never to touch one of your sandwiches.


TGFzdCBmcm9tIERvbSAjMzQNCg0KPkF1c3RpbiA6IFtEZWFkcGFuXSBJdCB0YWtlcyBvbmUgdG8g a25vdyBvbmUhIFtMb29rcyBpbiBob3Jyb3IgYXQgdGhlIGRlYWQgZG9nXSBSZW1pbmQgbWUgbmV2 ZXIgdG8gdG91Y2ggb25lIG9mIHlvdXIgc2FuZHdpY2hlcy4NCg0KRHVyOiBEb24ndCBiZSBhYnN1 cmQhIEFzIGlmIEkgd291bGQgZXZlciBhbGxvdyB0aGF0IHRvIGJlZ2luIHdpdGghIFtHcmVlZGls eSB0YWtlcyBhIGJpdGUgb2YgaGlzIGxlZnQtb3ZlcnNdDQo


Austin : Perhaps some lubrication will speed us up! [Applies some lubrication to the axles if he can]

;;;; I assume Aus carries some lube for his nocturnal activities? :)

;;;; for locks and door hinges! Filthy minded pervs!



Alice: Look! That dog had some friends -- and they're not happy! [Several more dogs appear, tough looking dogs, wearing leather jackets and smoking cigarettes.]

;;; Yes, but what does he do once he's inside there? Filthy perv!


Charlie: [Calls to the dogs mockingly] That's right! We gang of cat-lovers poisoned your slobbering, malodorous friend! What do you plan to do about it?!


Content-Type: text/plain; charset="iso-8859-1" Content-Transfer-Encoding: quoted-printable

Red: [looks at Charlie] Disappear? [Casts a spell] --_ae2e76ba-e19e-42c0-8f5b-7761600ecdc3_


[The dogs charge after the party just as a pool of grease appears beneath the trike, causing the dogs to slip 'n slide. The kittens, now panicked, pick up speed. 8.7mph and rising.]

Alice: Hurrah! We're going to make it! I knew my lucky breeze block would help us out!


Austin : [Shouting to be heard above the wind] Lucky breeze block? What lucky breeze block?

;;; awa hame


Alice: This one! [Holds it up]

[Alas, it slips off, just as RED starts to clamber over party members to get to the back of the trike.]

Alice: Oh no!

[Enter JOE NUNPAR, walking across the street. He spots dead, trapped like a deer in the headlights.]

Joe: Noooooo!


Charlie: [Urgently, to the kittens] Hurry, darlings! You shall have all the tuna you can eat if you just hurry!


Austin : Joe Nunpar is made of tuna?

;;;afk a lot today


Alice: I always knew there was something fishy about him!

[The kittens speed up -- 8.8mph!]

Joe: Nooooo!


TGFzdCBmcm9tIENvbm9yICM0Ng0KDQo+QWxpY2U6IEkgYWx3YXlzIGtuZXcgdGhlcmUgd2FzIHNv bWV0aGluZyBmaXNoeSBhYm91dCBoaW0hDQo+DQo+ICAgICAgW1RoZSBraXR0ZW5zIHNwZWVkIHVw IC0tIDguOG1waCFdDQo+DQo+Sm9lOiBOb29vb28hDQoNCkR1cjogSSBzYXkhIFdoYXQgZG8gd2Ug ZG8gbm93Pw0K


Austin : So long sucker! [Blows a raspberry at Joe]


Joe: Nooooooooo --

[Electricity crackles all over the trike and it and the party disappear, inches from JOE.]

Joe: -- oooooooooooo --

[Enter RAM HA.]

Ram: Colonel Nunpar! What are you doing?

Joe: -- oooooo. [Stops] Uh, nothing. Nothing at all.

Ram: Did you pee yourself?

Joe: A little.

;;;; End of Book IX, Act X. Next one coming up tomorrow!