10.01.001

[Book IX, Act X, Scene I. The Carriage. ALICE, AUSTIN, CHARLIE, CLINT, DUR, JORDAN and RED race away from Nostalgia, most still dressed as unicorns. To their surprise, another unicorn, and also, clearly a fake, stands at the side of the road, smoking a cheeseratte, hoof out, hitching a lift.]

Alice: That's kind of weird, isn't it?


;;; Yes, the number is right, and this IS Act X. A mistake way back in

#09.05.003 of the last

;;; act propagated right the way through!

10.01.002

Charlie: Indeed, let us inquire from a safe distance. Slow the carriage and I shall ask it to identify him/herself!

10.01.003

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Red: I feel like I'm standing out=2C where can I get a costume? =

--_177e5013-8a8e-4262-b3be-bc91271c3d62_

10.01.004

Charlie: We stole them from Joe Nunpar, so we do not have a spare. Keep your face hidden as we approach this stranger, just in case, but I suspect we should all like to shed this costumes at the earliest convenience!

10.01.005

Alice: I don't know, Red, I think your costume is hilarious! Those pants, that funny nose? And, OMG, that hair? Where on earth did you get that wig? In the ... [struggles to think of where he might have got such a thing] funny wig shop?

[RED stops a reasonable distance from the UNICORN, who clearly spots the party in their outfits.]

Unicorn: Hey! Totes horn!

10.01.006

Charlie: [Groans] Oh, I recognize that irritating manner of speech! [Calls out] Hello, there! Why are you dressed as a unicorn?


;;; Fletch, I think his name was??

10.01.007

Unicorn: It was the only way I could escape from those crazy monks. They're terrified of unicorns!

Alice: [To the party] That's a weirdly specific thing to be afraid of, not to mention an oddly specific thing for him to just have on hand.


;;; Maybe!

10.01.008

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Red: [Whispers from behind the party] Ask him if he has another suit. =

--_a868429a-27b8-492c-bf42-024921dcb507_

10.01.007

Austin : Probably for the same reason that you are? [Muses] Or because unicorns are 'Totes ossum'.

10.01.009

Alice: Do you have another suit?

Unicorn: Of course, I'd hardly go out without my bear suit, would I?

[The unicorn's rear end speaks up]

Ass: How many times do I have to tell you? That's not a bear suit, you're just really hairy!

Unicorn: [To the party] It's a bear suit. I'm wearing it right now, as a matter of fact.

Ass: Ew!

10.01.010

Charlie: Yes, but have you another unicorn suit? And do tell us more about these odd monks you mentioned!

10.01.011

Unicorn: Totes craze! Lots of head bonking, lots of counting, lots of ending of the world.

Ass: You can have my half of the suit! This guy is Totes Flatch!

10.01.012

Austin : I really dont know what the obession with unicorns is about, but can we get moving?


;;; pretty sure Aus is in a very smart suit, without any unicorns?

10.01.013

Alice: If this really is Fletch, shouldn't we pick him up?


;;; True, but he's the only one, other than Red

10.01.014

Charlie: [Sighs] If he promises to be very, very quiet!

10.01.015

Jordan: [To Red] There's always the half a unicorn suit Austin was wearing earlier.


;;; Sorry, been out all day. Last minute arrangements.

10.01.016

Clint: Or we could just de-unicorn ourselves before someone gets the wrong idea!

10.01.017

Unicorn: I've already got the wrong idea!

10.01.018

Charlie: [To Clint] I fear we should stay in uniform until we better understand this cult and its fears! [To the Fletch Unicorn] With whom are you traveling, Fletch?

10.01.019

Fletch: [Taking off the unicorn head] It's Pinky!

Pinky: [Appearing from the bottom of the unicorn, looking disgusted] Why the hell do you eat so many lentils?

Fletch: Totes reg, baby!


;;; The party last saw these two in Book IX, Act II

10.01.020

Charlie: [Smiles at Pinky] Hello again, Pinky. [In a lower voice, nodding subtly at Fletch] Are you quite desperate for money, now that you are no longer employed by Mr. Sotot and I? [Hands him a copper piece] Perhaps I could find steady work for you [vaguely] hauling things?

10.01.021

Pinky: Hey! We're in love! Don't be so insulting. [Grabs the copper piece]

10.01.022

Austin : Don't be so ungrateful, that was one of her better insults!

10.01.023

Fletch: I liked it, totes dismiss! [Gets to climb on board the carriage] You all heading to the porno?


;;; Out for two hours!

10.01.024

Charlie: [Puzzled] The Pan-Oceanic Revolution's Nautical Ornithology meeting?! [Muses] I had considered it, but tickets sell out so fast. . . . [To Fletch, excited] Wait, have you an extra ticket?!

10.01.025

Last from Heather 24

Fletch: Sure! All the geeks and nerds will be there!

10.01.026

Charlie: [Thrilled] How wonderful! [To the party] Quickly, pull yourselves together so we do not miss the registration session. [To Fletch] Is it true the first 20 attendees receive a miniature glow-in-the-dark spotting scope that functions as a keychain?!

10.01.027

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10.01.028

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Red: [Whispers=2C still semi-hidden] So=2C are we still on the same quest=2C and will I be required to dress like an animal of sorts?

--_d3688527-d368-4f8d-b253-f217faca4ebf_

10.01.029

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Last from Maikel 28

Fletch: There's always time for an anal scope at a porno! [To Red] You won'tbe required to, but you can if you want. We won't judge. Totes ope.=20=

--Apple-Mail-39B72DBA-806D-4BA8-AD01-176BE0A7D96C

10.01.030

Last from Conor 29

Jordan: [To Red] Do you want to be dressed as an animal?


;;; Did 'we' ever find out who that hooded figure was that Will left with?

;;; Are 'we' still trying to find the cause of the Reveals?

10.01.031

Austin : Or dress yourself as an anmial?

10.01.032

Charlie: Whether we go to the PORNO meeting or not, we really should not linger, just in case HARMA is still following us!

10.01.033

Fletch: [To Charlie] I like your style! HARMA hate porno!


;;; We still haven't figured out who Will left with, and several different

;;; cults have claimed responsibility for the Reveals, but it isn't

;;; clear yet who actually is

10.01.033

Austin : [Looks doubtfully at Charlie. To Alice] Better step on the gas, sweet cheeks, we don't want to be late. No one wants to be late.

10.01.034

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Red: [To Jordan] Hmm=2C I thought no=2C but now I see you all=2C it might be something. I have heard that my kind like quirky stuff=2C so that might b= e it. [To Alice] I also heard that blonds are very good in getting somewhere fast while driving=2C care to prove it? [Looks intrigued to the unicorn s= uits] --_2abfb0a2-d27f-4316-a882-cba36560bebb_

10.01.035

Jordan: [To Red, intrigued] Your kind?

10.01.036

TGFzdCBmcm9tIERyZXcgIzM1DQoNCj5Kb3JkYW46IFtUbyBSZWQsIGludHJpZ3VlZF0gWW91ciBr aW5kPw0KDQpEdXI6IEFzIGluIHBlcnZlcnRzPw0K

10.01.037

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Red: As in magic user=2C but there are indeed stories about very old ones going extremely pervy. =

--_e6ef939d-e028-4467-ac08-edfc681bff39_

10.01.038

Clint: Haw! That's true about old people in general! Buncha sickos, I tell ya!

10.01.039

Jordan: [To Red] Not all of us magic users are perverts. Or do you mean only the ones not musically inclined?

10.01.040

Alice: Stinky is right, I mean, he is the perfect example of a pervy old person!

10.01.041

Charlie: Indeed. [To Fletch] And what is your interest in the PORNO meeting?

10.01.042

Fletch: I'm the star of the show!

Alice: Let me guess, you're some sort of [finger quotes] guest speaker who's there to talk about Science and Stuff, [smirks at Charlie's naivete] but then you take off all your clothes and have sex with everyone?

Fletch: Not exactly. I'm naked when I turn up.

Pinky: It's a follow up to Bitanic, where a scientist goes down on a ship.

10.01.042

Austin : Apart from the free nibbles.

10.01.043

Jordan: Sounds like a fascinating experience. We should go there at once.

10.01.044

Charlie: [Looks at Fletch skeptically] I know you are not a scientist, and you do not look like a water fowl. Surely you cannot be serious about your starring role at this conference?

10.01.045

Clint: I think he's totes serious, Sarge. Unfortunately. And don't call him Shirley.

10.01.046

Jordan: [To Clint] I get the feeling Chuckles thinks everybody is secretly called Shirley.

10.01.047

Pinky: Of course he's serious. Fletch is one of the most respected pornographic actors at the moment. In the last two weeks he's made 134 films.

Alice: What has that got to do with Science and Stuff?

Pinky: Most scientists now work in porn.


;;; Out all day tomorrow, back to normal on Wednesday!

10.01.048

Austin : There goes the neighborhood!

10.01.049

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Red: Should I be happy or very scared for scientifically correct porn? =

--_13205e65-7d5b-457e-8777-8e0f82af2b99_

10.01.050

Austin : [Cringing at the thought] Terrified. Just imagine a systematic review of alphanumerically ordered dungeon equipment, from crop sizes 1 to 16, through paddles to whips 1 through 30, before sex. It takes all day and that's before the 'schedules' start! A good length of silk rope, a blind fold and some massage oil is as complicated as it ever needs to get, in my book. No audits required.

10.01.051

Alice: Oh, sweet, innocent and naive Austin! [Sighs sadly] Deucie loved his schedules. Sometimes they would take a whole weekend!

10.01.052

Charlie: [Sighs dreamily] Organization IS fun!

10.01.053

Austin : No it isn't. It's incredibly boring. [To Alice, laughing] I prefer having sex to following schedules, thank you. Schedules are simply a waste of time.

10.01.054

Alice: Not if they are [finger quotes] sexdules.

Fletch: Are guys in the movie?

10.01.055

Charlie: [Perplexed] You mean the conference video diary? Indeed, the field of Nautical Ornithology is still quite dominated by males. But let us go see for ourselves! [To the party] Perhaps we can find a linguist with a passion for birds who might help us with our translation!

10.01.056

Alice: You mean one that's really smart? Or rather, cunning?

10.01.057

Jordan: Or both? Let's face it, if you're going to be cunning, being smart will help a lot.

10.01.058

TGFzdCBmcm9tIE1hcmMgIzU3DQoNCj5Kb3JkYW46IE9yIGJvdGg/IExldCdzIGZhY2UgaXQsIGlm IHlvdSdyZSBnb2luZyB0byBiZSBjdW5uaW5nLCBiZWluZyBzbWFydCB3aWxsIGhlbHAgYSBsb3Qu DQoNCkR1cjogQmFoLCB3aG8gbmVlZHMgdG8gYmUgc21hcnQ/IEl0IG9ubHkgbGVhZHMgdG8gb3Zl ciB0aGlua2luZyBldmVyeXRoaW5nIQ0KDQo7OzsgYnR3IEkgd2lsbCBiZSBvdXQgdG9tb3Jyb3cg YW5kIEZyaWRheSBiZWNhdXNlIEkgYW0gaGF2aW5nIGxhc2VycyBzaG90IGludG8gbXkgZXllcy4N Cg

10.01.059

Alice: In my experience, smartness doesn't really need to have anything to do with cunning linguists.


;;; Ew!

10.01.060

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10.01.061

Alice: Extensive.


;;; Let's just hope they ARE doctors!

10.01.062

Charlie: [Nods obliviously] Indeed, Deuce was a skilled linguist and helped us translate the prophecy, though to be fair you were not really involved with him very long.


;;; Have a good eye-laserin', Kevin!

10.01.063

Jordan: Even the smallest amount of time can be of the utmost importance.


;;; I hope they are real Doctors and don't do this

;;; https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nGI1fzYqZLM

;;; Though if I was a real doctor I would do it anyway for the kicks

10.01.064

Clint: You people make me sick, worrying about your sex lives at a time like this, when we have a world to save! I'd expect that from Chuck, but et tu, Bimbo?


;;; Likewise! Also, let's hope that this (a) sends and (b) did not

already send.

10.01.064

Alice: Will there be cunning linguists at the porn film?

Fletch: Totes!

10.01.065

Jordan: But Clint, everybody likes a skilled cunning linguist!


;;; I'm totally not awake today. It took me way longer than it should

have to get that play on words.

10.01.066

Clint: Sure, so rather than talking about how much we want to find a cunning linguist, let's just go do it!

10.01.067

Fletch: Alright! To the porn set! Finley will be totes thrilled!

10.01.068

Charlie: Oh, how marvelous! Is my mother with Alistair, as well?!

10.01.069

Fletch: I dunno. Is she a dwarf hooker?

10.01.069

Clint: Not something I'd be wanting to think about if I were you, Sarge, given our recent discussions!

10.01.070

Jordan: Maybe Alistair is her cunning linguist. Or does he only cater for dwarf hookers?

10.01.071

Charlie: [Baffled] Alistair Finley is the father of modern cryptozoology, not a linguist! [To Fletch] And my mother is not a dwarf or a ship. Now, do be sensible, and take us to Alistair at once. We shall ask him for his assistance ourselves.

10.01.072

Fletch: Totes! We just need to stop at the school uniform shop.

10.01.073

Charlie: [Firmly] You may do that after you deliver us. [To Pinky, in a low voice] Do keep your woman in line, please!

10.01.074

Austin : [To Pinky] She's just going through a 'stage', we hope she will grow out of it soon.

10.01.075

Pinky: Yeah, she was like that when I worked for Pestilence too. Yap, yap, yap! We're likely to be arrested unless we turn up without school uniforms.

10.01.076

Charlie: Why on earth would that be the case?! Who is making these inexplicable rules?

10.01.077

Pinky: HARMA. If they think we're scientists, they'll arrest us.

10.01.078

Austin : [Looks over the party] I think we are okay on that one. However, two school uniforms would go well with Alice and Charlie. They are most sciencey of all of us.

10.01.079

Pinky: [Looks Austin up and down] Spoken like a true scientist.

10.01.080

Austin : Lawyer. The differences is in the charm, charisma, good looks and the 15k GC suit.

10.01.081

Pinky: Don't forget the complete absence of morality.

10.01.082

Charlie: Indeed! But are we to wear both unicorn and school costumes?! Will that not look rather odd?

10.01.083

Pinky: That would look ridiculous. All we need to do is wear school uniforms and carry a bunch of cushions in the shape of kangaroos.

10.01.084

Clint: I'm probably going to regret this, but why kangaroos?

10.01.085

Jordan: [To Clint] If it makes you feel any better Stinky, you just took the words right out of my mouth.

10.01.086

Pinky: It's what the public want. [Disgust] Damned perverts.

Fletch: [Sits behind the wheel] Totes uni?

10.01.087

Charlie: [Delighted] At last! [Dramatically] To the university!

10.01.088

Alice: There's a sex shop at the university?

Pinky: And every possible drug you could imagine.

Alice: At least some things haven't changed.

[Exit ALL, zooming off into the distance.]


;;; End of scene, next one coming right up

10.02.001

[Book IX, Act X, Scene II. Approaching Nostalgia University. ALICE, AUSTIN, CHARLIE, CLINT, DUR, JORDAN, RED, PINKY and FLETCH are here, all crammed into the carriage.]

Alice: So Nostalgia University isn't in Nostalgia?

Pinky: It was, but they felt that things were better in the past, so they moved it.

10.02.002

Jordan: You mean we have to travel through time to get there? What is it with all the time travel lately?

10.02.003

Clint: Occupational hazard. You get used to it. Not that I think we'll have to worry about that here. I mean, you really think these two could manage it? No offense, Fletch.

10.02.004

Austin : [To Clint] If you can manage it then anyone can. No offense, Mr Scar. [Giggles]

10.02.005

Jordan: He doesn't, we do, he's just along the for ride.

10.02.006

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Red: Do get a say in the apparent time travel? As far as I know I never traveled in time=2C I did once lose track of a week of time however. =

--_4f85b24c-a16a-49aa-8d27-b89f800dafcb_

10.02.007

Alice: Of course you have! You've travelled forward in time, right? In fact, you're doing it right now. [Pause] And now. [Pause] And now.

Pinky: They didn't move the university to the past, they moved it to the countryside.


;;; Kev is out having lasers fired in his eyes

Dur: Life is always simpler in the countryside. There are several rural areas in which I can still legally practice medicine!

10.02.008

Charlie: Splendid! We could all use a bracing walk. [To Pinky] To the university!

10.02.009

Alice: So science is illegal but shooting porn isn't?

Pinky: Oh no, shooting porn is highly illegal.

10.02.010

Charlie: Then how do you get away with it?!

10.02.011

Pinky: All the HARMA operatives are too afraid of catching some sort of filthy disease off us. [Takes a drink from Alice's can of coke, before handing it back, burping] Tha-nks.

Alice: Ew! You can keep it.

Fletch: Haw! Totes burn!

10.02.012

Austin : Do you have filthy diseases?

10.02.013

Jordan: [Sounding almost philosophical] Of course that then brings about the question, is there such a thing as a clean disease?

10.02.014

Austin : Aging?

10.02.015

Clint: Isn't the more important question whether we're actually going to catch any of these disease that HARMA is afraid of? I mean, they're probably just stupid, but blind squirrels and nuts and all that jazz!

10.02.016

Alice: What did you do with blind squirrel jizz?

Fletch: Probably spread it all over -- at least, if he wanted a nice, manly covering of hair!

Pinky: What filthy diseases have we got? [Sly look] Whaddya want?

10.02.017

Austin : We do not want any diseases, that's the point! [Looks alarmed at the jizz conversation]

10.02.017

Sorry for the short notice, but out until Thursday!

10.02.018

Alice: Yeah! We've got our own diseases, thanks very much! [Folds her arms defiantly]


;;; And we're back! Sorry about the short notice

10.02.019

Charlie: [Nods] Indeed, this party's unusually high rate of sexually transmitted diseases [nods subtly to Alice, Austin, Alice, Clint, and then Alice again] when compared to the general population should not affect our ability to perform heroically in service of the realms!

10.02.020

Alice: And don't forget Charlie, I mean, her husband's name is Pestilence! That's some sort of disease, right?

10.02.020

Austin : [Frowns at Charlie's statement. To Fletch] Despite her implied claims, she does not represent the rest of the party.

10.02.021

Charlie: [Primly] I would thank you to remember my husband was a virgin when we married, and quite free of disease!

10.02.022

Alice: But that's no longer true, of course.

10.02.023

Charlie: [Aghast] Are you suggesting that my own sexual history is riddled with disease?! My sexual partners were all scientists, careful--and largely chaste--by nature!

10.02.024

Austin : [Grinning] Did you review independent tests of their chastenesses?

10.02.025

Alice: [Triumphantly] Deuce certainly had a pile of diseases!

10.02.026

Charlie: [Flustered] Yes, well, I fear we may have gotten a bit off-task with this discussion! [To Fletch] Do take us to Alistair at once, preferably in silence so that we might all reflect upon the task ahead.

10.02.027

Fletch: Sure, but unless you turn up wearing school uniforms, you're gonna look like a bunch of weirdoes.

10.02.028

Charlie: [Commandingly] Very well, then--to the costume store!

10.02.029

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10.02.030

Alice: [Roars with laughter] Oh, Dur! You were NEVER a doctor! That was just playing!

[The party approach a building marked "Department of Anthropology".]


;;; How're those eyes, Kev??

10.02.030

Clint: C'mon, doc. Some of our most famous doctors dressed up as psychotic clown unicorn nuns. Admittedly, they're all serial killers, but you can't have everything!

10.02.031

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10.02.032

Charlie: [Suddenly excited] Oh, is it really an Anthropology Department with a collection of costumes from various cultures and so forth?! How thrilling! And I thought we would be going through bin after bin of horrid itchy wigs and glow-in-the-dark fishnets stockings at some pitiful costumers!

10.02.033

Alice: Hey! Like these? [Pulls up her skirt to show her trashy glow-in-the-dark fishnet stockings]

10.02.034

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Red: [frowns] I have the sudden urge to grab a squid costume. 3B=3B=3B Let's be clear....... [smiles] the surgery worked? --_8501e70c-40bc-49c1-85f0-d6a1a1f59a22_

10.02.035

Clint: I don't know what kind of school uniforms you guys had, but I don't think you'll be able to find mine in there!

10.02.035

Austin : Not a fan of fishnets?

10.02.036

Alice: If there's any god, Clint, then I think it's a safe bet that any uniform you owned has long since been destroyed!

10.02.037

Clint: I sure as hell hope not! If I had to put up with that uniform, I want generations of little kids to suffer through the same thing!


;;; We don't normally do school uniforms over here, but I spent my

formative years in a white polo shirt,

;;; red sweater-vest and blue corduroy trousers. It was humiliating

and strangely nationalistic.

10.02.038

Alice: I loved my school uniform! Just between us, the shortness of the skirt was half the reason I was able to pass my reddening exams!

10.02.038

Charlie: [Nods] Uniforms are quite sensible and free a student from worrying about unimportant matters! Wilhelmina wore one even when she was being home-schooled.


;;; Poor Tom! You should see the skirts they make these

;;; Irish girls wear! The hems drag the ground, yikes!

10.02.039

Alice: That's just what Deucie used to say when he got me my ones!

10.02.040

Austin : [Admiring his own left arm] I had no intention of being this beautiful when I woke up this morning, but as you know, somethings are simply beyond our control. [Sighs]


;;;awa hame!

10.02.040

Clint: Well, let's just get this over with! [Heads for the entrance so he can costume up.]


;;; An ankle is a dangerous thing!

10.02.041

[The party enter the building, and find themselves inside the seediest looking sex shop they've ever seen. A shop assistant, GADY LAGA, gives them a whithering look.]

Gady: Oh. My. Dog. [Pause] Looks better than you people. [Opens up a box on the table]

[The BOX roars with laughter, and continues to do so until GADY closes it again.]

Alice: Wow! This place is great!

10.02.042

Charlie: [Looks around, wrinkling her nose] Yes. [To Gady] Shopkeep, have you any school uniforms available?

10.02.043

Gady: No! What do you think this is? Some sort of disgusting sex shop?

Alice: Maybe she thought it was a clothes shop?

10.02.044

Jordan: [Trying to be charming] Actually we thought it was a rather clean and reputable sex shop. Only the best sex shops stock school uniforms after all.

10.02.045

Gady: [Brazenly standing in front of a huge display of school uniforms] We don't sell school uniforms.

10.02.046

Content-Type: text/plain; charset="iso-8859-1" Content-Transfer-Encoding: quoted-printable

Red: Would you perhaps have any magic=2C grade increasing=2C attention demanding=2C short rimmed skirts with matching tops? Preferably of the not-wind= -resistant variety. --_8b4b745a-1848-4b12-842c-09cec26a95f9_

10.02.047

Gady: Look, Harc, this is a University department, nothing disgusting or perverted ever goes on here.

[The party are momentarily distracted by a bunch naked of men in beards running past the outside window, being chased by a woman in wearing nothing more than a llama mask.]

10.02.048

Austin : [Selects a schoolboy out fit. To Gady] May I try this on for size?

10.02.049

Gady: You certainly may not! They are for display only! You people need to leave!

10.02.050

Charlie: [Sighs] That is most disappointing, as we are conducting an important Anthropological study! [To Gady] Perhaps we could make you a co-author on the paper if you could lend us these splendid examples of tribal dress?

10.02.051

Gady: Certainly not.

Alice: [To the others, quietly] This is a total waste of time! Why did they bring us here?

10.02.051

Austin : [Examing the cloth of the uniform] Perhaps Mr Scar could be a little more persuasive?

10.02.052

Jordan: [In a threatening manner] Give us what we want or I swear I will recite my most depressing poetry to you repeatedly until you do!

10.02.053

Gady: Do your worst, bitch.

10.02.054

Jordan: Challenge accepted! [Starts to recite his most jolly and happy poetry.]

10.02.055

Charlie: [Holding her hands over her ears] It's all too horrible! [Tries to grab a few school uniforms while Gady is distracted]

10.02.054

Content-Type: text/plain; charset="iso-8859-1" Content-Transfer-Encoding: quoted-printable

Red: Before you do=2C hypothetically=2C how much would a costume cost for all of us? =

--_158a27fe-9d94-45ad-85ed-ecab2bbfce3a_

10.02.055

Austin : OOh, do that one, errm, oh yes "Just to hold you close to me". That was so bad I nearly regurgitated my breakfast when I heard it.

10.02.056

Gady: [Apparently enjoying the poetry, but points a double barrelled crossbow at Charlie] It doesn't matter how much I like the poems, you're not getting anything.

[PINKY leads FLETCH over on his hands and knees, with a leash attached to him.]

Pinky: What's going on?

Gady: These guys think this place is a sex shop! They're a bunch of Harcs.

10.02.057

Charlie: I can assure you, we are not even familiar with the term [finger quotes] Harcs!

10.02.058

TGFzdCBmcm9tIEhlYXRoZXIgIzU3DQoNCj5DaGFybGllOiBJIGNhbiBhc3N1cmUgeW91LCB3ZSBh cmUgbm90IGV2ZW4gZmFtaWxpYXIgd2l0aCB0aGUgdGVybSBbZmluZ2VyIHF1b3Rlc10gSGFyY3Mh DQoNCkR1cjogW01ha2VzIGEgcGxhY2F0aW5nIGdlc3R1cmVdIE5vdyBub3csIHRoZXJlIGlzIG5v IHJlYXNvbiB0byBnZXQgc28gcG9pbnRlZCEgW0VsYm93cyBBbGljZV0gR2V0IGl0PyBCZWNhdXNl IG9mIHRoZSBjcm9zc2JvdyEgW1RyaWVkIHRvIGNhc3QgRU5USFJBTExdIEknbSBzdXJlIHRoaXMg aGFzIGJlZW4ganVzdCBvbmUgYmlnIG1pc3VuZGVyc3RhbmRpbmcuIERpZCB5b3Ugbm90IGdldCB0 aGUgbWVtbyBvZiB1cyBuZWVkaW5nIHRoZXNlIGNvc3R1bWVzPw0K

10.02.059

Gady: No, you should have told me! Work away, I was just afraid you were Harcs, I mean, look at how you're dressed.

10.02.060

Clint: [Nods understandingly.] Now you know why we need the costumes!

10.02.061

TGFzdCBmcm9tIFRvbSAjNjANCg0KPkNsaW50OiBbTm9kcyB1bmRlcnN0YW5kaW5nbHkuXSBOb3cg eW91IGtub3cgd2h5IHdlIG5lZWQgdGhlIGNvc3R1bWVzIQ0KDQpEdXI6IFJpZ2h0LiBbUnVzaGlu ZyB0aGUgZ3JvdXAgYWxvbmddIE5vdyB0aGF0IHdlIGhhdmUgdGhhdCBmaWd1cmVkIG91dCwgc3Vp dCB1cCB0ZWFtLiBObyB0aW1lIHRvIGRlbGF5LiBMZXQncyBnZXQgb3V0IG9mIHRoaXMgZ29vZCB3 b21hbidzIHdheSBzbyBzaGUgY2FuIGNvbnRpbnVlIGhlciBleGVtcGxhcnkgc2VydmljZSENCg0K DQo

10.02.062

Clint: [Reluctantly grabs a costume.] People better not find out about this. The time we dressed up as nuns, fine. Unicorns? Okay. But *this* is crossing a line!

10.02.063

Charlie: [Taking a uniform. To Clint] Fear not, Mr. Scar! It will not be necessary for you to actually successfully perform any scholarly duties to wear this uniforn!

10.02.064

Clint: [Somewhat mollified.] Well, at least it's a start!

10.02.065

Austin : There might be some caneing going on though.

10.02.066

Jordan: [Starts reaching for a uniform and stops suddenly, turning to Gady] Wait a minute. Harcs? Is that some kind of derogatory term for HARMA?

10.02.067

Gady: Yeah, because they're like Narcs, except worse, and they work for HARMA.

10.02.068

Jordan: Who or what are Narcs? We hate HARMA.

10.02.068

Austin : Well, last time we saw the Harcs they were trying to kill us, so we should change into uniforms asap and get to the porno. [Looks around the shop for other useful equipment] We might need some supplies.

10.02.069

Charlie: Yes, I do hope you have some notepads to go with these school uniforms? I am down to my last dozen. [Chooses a super-dowdy floor-length brown plaid skirt to pair with a long-sleeved white blouse with a high neck]

10.02.070

Alice: [Chooses the shortest, sluttiest skirt there] Oh man! It's longer than my own!

Gady: [To Charlie] Oh, god, no, we just sell sex stuff. The Harcs are even more sinister than normal HARMA types. Sweat, bad breath, everything.

Alice: Very hard to spot?

Gady: Not really, especially the ones who sweat a lot, but not all of them are like that.

Alice: [Looks at Clint] Goddamned Harc.

10.02.071

Austin : [Shudders at the description of the Harcs] They sound vile! [Puts on a school boys uniform and shorts to match, carefully rolling down the socks unevenly. Looks for a good strong length of silk rope]

10.02.072

Content-Type: text/plain; charset="iso-8859-1" Content-Transfer-Encoding: quoted-printable

Lost from Dom #71

Red: [Appears from the back in blue robes and hat with a school boys uniform over his arm] Are we going for actual school clothes or undercover? 3B=3B=3Bhttp://img1.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20120220023936/runescape/images/d/dc/Wizard_hat_(blue)_detail.png =

--_187a6951-b3f6-4a17-8438-1a19e5c94d2f_

10.02.073

Lost from Maikel #72

Jordan: Well everyone else seems to be going for the school clothes, though I wouldn't mind looking more like a teacher than a student. [To Gady] You still haven't said what a Narc is.

10.02.073

Clint: [Looking distinctly uncomfortable in a ratty old uniform] How about either, as long as we can get out of here ASAP?

10.02.074

Gady: That's right. I did tell you what a Harc is, though. Like a Narc but they work for HARMA.

Alice: What's a Narc?

Gady: Kind of like a Harc, but not as bad.

10.02.075

Charlie: [Decisively] Well, we are neither, but we are in quite a hurry! [To the party] Has everyone their costume?

10.02.076

Jordan: Not yet! [Grabs a school boy costume that will fit and goes to get changed]

10.02.077

Gady: [Surveys the sorry scene in front of her] Excellent! Now, are you [finger quotes] actors? [Wink]

10.02.078

Clint: [Incensed.] Do we look gay to you?!

10.02.079

Gady: A little.

10.02.080

TGFzdCBmcm9tIENvbm9yICM3OQ0KDQo+R2FkeTogQSBsaXR0bGUuDQoNCkR1cjogW1Vuc3VycHJp c2VkXSBZb3UncmUgbm90IHRoZSBmaXJzdCBwZXJzb24gdG8gc2F5IHRoYXQuIA0K

10.02.081

Clint: [Grinding his teeth now.] C'mon, guys, let's get out of here and do what we came here to do so we can change out of these stupid costumes!

10.02.082

Alice: Good idea, Clint! Uh, where are we supposed to go?

Gady: That depends on whether or not you are [winks] actors.

10.02.083

Charlie: Oh, indeed we are, if that means we can go at once to the university!

10.02.084

Gady: Outstanding! Now, go at once the Eremology Department and tell them you're there to clean their pool.

10.02.085

Clint: [Suspiciously.] Are you having us on?

10.02.086

TGFzdCBmcm9tIFRvbSAjODUNCg0KPkNsaW50OiBbU3VzcGljaW91c2x5Ll0gQXJlIHlvdSBoYXZp bmcgdXMgb24/DQoNCkR1cjogW1N1ZGRlbmx5IHBldHJpZmllZF0gUC1wLXAtb29sPyBJdCdzIG5v dCBmaWxsZWQgd2l0aCB3LXctd2F0ZXIgaXMgaXQ/DQoNCg0K

10.02.087

Austin : [Doing up his tie] They are by the usual definition, Dur. But don't worry, it is unlikely to be clean after you get into it. [Wriggles a little] They didn't design these to go with thongs, did they.

10.02.088

Jordan: Well, it could be an empty pool and they need the walls and floor of it cleaned. Unlikely, but it's an option.

10.02.089

Charlie: [Excited] Eremology?! I have always wanted to learn more about deserts! [To the party] Oh, this will be fascinating.

10.02.089

Alice: That's true, Aus, but at least they are pull off. [Points to the velcro straps on the shorts]

Gady: The Eremology Department is just across the street from here. Their pool is [salaciously rubs herself against the counter] very, very dirrrrrty.

10.02.090

Alice: Learn stuff? Oh man! This is getting worse than worse!

Pinky: Don't you mean worse and worse?

Alice: If only!

[Exit the PARTY.]


;;; End of scene, next one coming right up

10.03.001

[Book IX, Act X, Scene III. The Eremology Department. ALICE, AUSTIN, CHARLIE, CLINT, DUR, JORDAN and RED are here, outside the entrance.]

Alice: What is Eremology?

10.03.002

Jordan: [Smugly] The science of studying the desert and it's many mysteries. You would know that if you were a real school girl.

10.03.003

Alice: [Nasal voice] Science of studying desserts. You would know that if you were a real dork!

10.03.004

Jordan: [Sounding Scottish] Damnit Alice, are you out of your bimbo mind? I'm a poetically magical musician, not a chef!

10.03.005

Alice: Look, Jeff, can you stop thinking about your stomach for five minutes while we save the world?

10.03.006

Charlie: [Scribbling furiously] Do be quiet! I am writing down everything I ever wanted to ask an eremologist, and I am only up to 246!

10.03.007

Austin : [Watching Charlie make her list] I hope that includes coping strategies for extreme disappointment.

10.03.008

Alice: I only have one question. What's an Eremologist?

10.03.009

Jordan: [Rolls eyes] A food critic who specialises in desserts. They are especially known for their universal love of Sticky Kaka Pie.

10.03.010

Alice: Sor-ree! I didn't realise you were such an expert in Sticky Kaka!

10.03.011

Jordan: You flatter me Alice, I only wish I was that good.

10.03.012

TGFzdCBmcm9tIERyZXcgIzExDQoNCj5Kb3JkYW46IFlvdSBmbGF0dGVyIG1lIEFsaWNlLCBJIG9u bHkgd2lzaCBJIHdhcyB0aGF0IGdvb2QuDQoNCkR1cjogQ2FyZWZ1bCB3aGF0IHlvdSB3aXNoIGZv ciB3aGlsZSBvbiB0aGUgc2V0IG9mIGEgcG9ybm8gbXkgZ29vZCBtYW4uIA0K

10.03.013

Jordan: [To Dur] I shall, of course, defer to your better judgment, which I assume is gathered from personal experience?

10.03.014

Charlie: [Disapprovingly] That is quite enough bickering! [Shakes her notepad] Now, I really must get these 694 questions answered!

10.03.015

Jordan: 694? [Laughs] You must be on a diet Charlie!

10.03.016

Clint: Focus, Sarge! We have more important things to do than answering your questions here! Maybe you can just leave your list with the eremologist and he can send you a letter with the answer.

10.03.017

Alice: What letter? A? Because that's the coolest one!

10.03.018

Charlie: [Fretfully] Well, I have written to the International Society of Eremology and Stuff many times, but they always return my letters unread! [To the party] They really are terribly elitist, I'm afraid. [Pats Dur on the head] Sharpen my pencil, won't you, boy?

10.03.019

Jordan: [Reaches for the door handle] Shall we go in then?

10.03.020

Austin : It is never good to arrive last at a porno, let's get moving!

10.03.021

[The door is locked, but, seconds after JORDAN tries it, the party hear it being unlocked. Enter JAY SCOTTY, a sleazy looking guy in an overly tight t-shirt.]

Jay: 'sup?

10.03.022

Charlie: [Flirting awkwardly, in a ridiculous high-pitched voice] Hellllo? We are here for the adult film-making. [Winks] We are ever so keen to participate!

10.03.023

Jordan: [Whines like an emo] But Chaz! I thought we were here to clean the pool!

10.03.024

Clint: I thought we were here to [air quotes] clean the pool.

10.03.025

Jay: This is the Eremology Department, we don't have any poo--oh!

[From deep within the building the party can hear the unmistakable sound "Bom chika bom!" playing on a stereo.]

10.03.026

Clint: That sounds like our cue. Also, our friend here has a couple of thousand questions she wants to ask you. We'll just go on in while you look over the list, yeah?

10.03.027

Jay: Oh yeah, I've got a deep, dirty pool that needs cleaning, and you look like just the little boy to do it.

Alice: Ew!

10.03.028

Austin : [Looking a little pale] Lead the way, please, Mr Scar.

10.03.029

Clint: [Looking around cautiously.] Yeah. Uh, in we go. To clean the pool. This sounds like a job for Dur! [Leads the way in.]

10.03.030

Jordan: Yeah, let's not let Clint anywhere near it.

10.03.031

Jay: [Gives Jordan a creepy smile] Come on in, [licks his lips] Dur.

10.03.032

Charlie: [Blocks Jay's access to Dur] We shall all go inside, of course. And, naturally, Dur will do any laboring, along with Mr. Scar!

10.03.033

Jordan: [To Jay] Wait, what? I'm not Dur! He is! [Points to the real Dur]


;;; He was giving Jordan the creepy smile when he said Dur's name so

assuming he thought Jordan was Dur.

10.03.034

Jay: I don't care who you are, sexy.

10.03.035

Austin : [To Jordan] I think you have made a new friend! [Hands Jordan a tube of lubricant, handcuffs, and some sparkle dust]

10.03.036

Jordan: Do I even want to know where you were hiding these?

10.03.037

Charlie: [Firmly] I can assure you, you do not! [To Jay] Now, can we assist you? [Looks around cautiously] We should like to stay off of the streets as much as possible!

10.03.039

Austin : Hidden? I've only had them a few minutes, they are braind new! You should be more grateful when your leader gives you gifts.

10.03.040

Jordan: [To Austin] I thought you were just the mascot.

10.03.041

Austin : Yes, well, we don't need you for your wits or brain power, fortunately.

10.03.042

Jay: I think I just need you all for horribly violating.

[Slams the door with an ominous crash.]

Jay: [Pauses a beat] And scene! [The music stops] What can I do for you guys?

10.03.043

Austin : Champagne would be nice.

10.03.044

Charlie: [Checks her notes, then clears her voice] Ahem! We are here to clean your pool.

10.03.045

Content-Type: text/plain; charset="iso-8859-1" Content-Transfer-Encoding: quoted-printable

Red: [Looks at Charlie] But.... aren't we... [Looks confused and ponders] =

--_35244f64-f4d1-4571-be4c-e94a9689f2ea_

10.03.046

Jay: What are you? Some sort of porno actors? This is the Eremology Department -- what would we want with a pool?

10.03.047

TGFzdCBmcm9tIENvbm9yICM0Ng0KDQo+SmF5OiBXaGF0IGFyZSB5b3U/IFNvbWUgc29ydCBvZiBw b3JubyBhY3RvcnM/IFRoaXMgaXMgdGhlIEVyZW1vbG9neSBEZXBhcnRtZW50IC0tIHdoYXQgd291 bGQgd2Ugd2FudCB3aXRoIGEgcG9vbD8NCg0KRHVyOiBZb3UnbGwgaGF2ZSB0byBmb3JnaXZlIHVz LCB3aXRoIGFsbCBvZiBvdXIgcmVjZW50IGNvc3R1bWUgY2hhbmdlcyBsYXRlbHkgd2UgYXJlIGhh dmluZyBzb21ldGhpbmcgb2YgYW4gaWRlbnRpdHkgY3Jpc2lzLiANCg

10.03.048

Jay: Well, let me assure you, there is no pornography here!

10.03.049

TGFzdCBmcm9tIENvbm9yICM0OA0KDQo+SmF5OiBXZWxsLCBsZXQgbWUgYXNzdXJlIHlvdSwgdGhl cmUgaXMgbm8gcG9ybm9ncmFwaHkgaGVyZSENCg0KRHVyOiBBbmQgbm8gcG9vbHMgZWl0aGVyPyBU aGVuIGhvdyBhcmUgd2UgdG8gY2xlYW4gaXQ/DQo

10.03.050

Austin : [Looks confused] But we are porno actors. And some of us like Deserts too. You are aware, and fully up to date with the Universities equal opportunities policy aren't you?


;;;; where are Fletch and Pinky?

10.03.051

Jay: If you're looking for the real porn, then you're in the wrong place!


;;; Stayed behind in the sex shop!

10.03.052

Austin : Let me guess, it's in the back of the sex shop yes?

10.03.053

Jay: I don't know -- all I know is that isn't here. And I've checked!

10.03.054

Jordan: But the sex shop owner said it was here!

10.03.055

Austin : So one of them must be lying, and the only clue we have is that one of them had loud porno music playing very recently.

10.03.056

Alice: Wait a minute! Are we looking for pornography or for scientists? I mean, I know if you find the latter that the former is rarely far away, but still!

10.03.057

Jordan: [To Alice] We are looking for both. We're looking for Charlie's mother, and she is presumably at the porno [to Charlie] right?

10.03.058


;;; Heather is AFK

Charlie: Well, she is a keen ornithologist, but if you are speaking in terms of pornography, I suspect she is less interested, unless from a sociological perspective.

Jay: We're scientists, not pornographers. That's just a front for HARMA!

10.03.059

TGFzdCBmcm9tIENvbm9yICM1OA0KDQo+Q2hhcmxpZTogV2VsbCwgc2hlIGlzIGEga2VlbiBvcm5p dGhvbG9naXN0LCBidXQgaWYgeW91IGFyZSBzcGVha2luZyBpbiB0ZXJtcyBvZiBwb3Jub2dyYXBo eSwgSSBzdXNwZWN0IHNoZSBpcyBsZXNzIGludGVyZXN0ZWQsIHVubGVzcyBmcm9tIGEgc29jaW9s b2dpY2FsIHBlcnNwZWN0aXZlLg0KPg0KPkpheTogV2UncmUgc2NpZW50aXN0cywgbm90IHBvcm5v Z3JhcGhlcnMuIFRoYXQncyBqdXN0IGEgZnJvbnQgZm9yIEhBUk1BIQ0KDQpEdXI6IFRoZW4gbWF5 YmUgd2UgYXJlIGhlcmUgdG8gY2xlYW4gdGhlIEdFTkUgcG9vbD8NCg

10.03.060

Content-Type: text/plain; charset="iso-8859-1" Content-Transfer-Encoding: quoted-printable

Red: Well=2C we have got an in-GENE-ious person with us [looks to Charlie] =

--_bd685499-2f9b-472f-b4f5-1d5b97aab34b_

10.03.061

Alice: She's not in jeans, she's in a school uniform!

Charlie: I believe it was a rather clever and apt play with words, Alice. [To Jay] So, this is actually an Eremology Department and not the scene of a pornographic movie?

Jay: That's right. For porn, you probably want the Pomology Department.

10.03.062

Jordan: [To Charlie] We could always just ask him if he knows your mother, and if he knows where she is.

10.03.063

Austin : [To Charlie] So which is your grandmother most likely to be at? Gertrude is you grandmother, right?

10.03.064

Clint: Seems to me w should head over to Pomology, which is where we'll find Gertrude, anyway...

10.03.065

Jay: If you're not here for porn, then why are you here? You guys did call to me, after all!

10.03.066

Austin : We are here for porn and science with Charlie's aunty, it's just often too confusing for people to have it all explained, even in simple nascent nomenclature.


;;;; I am AFK onthe next three fridays, including tomorrow :)

10.03.067

Jay: Especially when you clearly don't understand the word nascent. If you're here for porn, go to the Pomology Department, if you're here for science and stuff, then ask your question. We know everything.

Alice: About desserts?

Jay: [Rubs his stomach] Try me.


;;; Fine for some!

10.03.068

Charlie: [Excited, to Jay] Oh, how wonderful! [Flips open a notepad] Have you made a link between deserts and the reveals we have seen in the realms recently?

10.03.069

Jay: There's no link -- the spacing of the Reveals seems immune to them. The spread of deserts taken in by them is proportionally the same as other areas in the Realms.

10.03.070

Austin : [Straightening his cuff] And is there any link between the reveals and the porno?

10.03.071

Jay: The amount of scientists working in areas directly or indirectly related to porn has increased by 5000%. However, that isn't necessarily caused by the Reveals, it could also be caused by HARMA cracking down on science.

10.03.072

Clint: There are dark days ahead for the world of porn!


;;; So I've come down with something and am spending truly staggering

amount of time in bed.

;;; Hopefully this will not take me long to kick.

10.03.073

Charlie: [Raises an eyebrow] Somehow this course of conversation reminds me--by any chance is Dr. Alistair Finley working with all of you?

10.03.074

Jay: He sure is! They have him over in the Ecogastronomy Department.

10.03.075

Charlie: Splendid! And what about Dr. Helena Parker-Kensington?

10.03.077

TGFzdCBmcm9tIENvbm9yICM3Ng0KDQo+SmF5OiBPaCBzdXJlLCBzaGUncyB3aXRoIGhpbS4gU2hl J3Mgb25lIGZlaXN0eSBsaXR0bGUgbGFkeS4NCg0KRHVyOyBbQ292ZXJzIGhpcyBlYXJzXSBIb3Bl ZnVsbHkgd2UgYXJlIG5vdCB0YWxraW5nIGFib3V0IHBvcm4gYWdhaW4hDQo

10.03.076

Jay: Oh sure, she's with him. She's one feisty little lady.

10.03.078

Jordan: [To Jay] Excellent! [To Charlie] Well, not we know where to go, come on! [To Jay] Thanks for you help. [Makes a hasty retreat]

10.03.079

Charlie: How wonderful! [Claps her hands. To the party] Chop, chop! To the Ecogastronomy Department!

10.03.078

Clint: Just so long as we're all clear that there will be no cleaning pools and no porn! [Chop chops.]

10.03.079


;;; Dom is out today

Austin: [Straightens a cuff] Indeed. One would certainly hope that a scientist of Professor Finley's renown is being put to good use and is, as we speak, working on a way in which to reverse the Reveals and save the world. What is Professor Finley doing?

Jay: The last I saw, they had him fucking a dwarf.


;;; And with that, we will end the scene! More on Monday!

10.03.079


;;; Dom is out today

Austin: [Straightens a cuff] Indeed. One would certainly hope that a scientist of Professor Finley's renown is being put to good use and is, as we speak, working on a way in which to reverse the Reveals and save the world. What is Professor Finley doing?

Jay: The last I saw, they had him fucking a dwarf.


;;; And with that, we will end the scene! More on Monday!

10.04.001

[Book X, Act X, Scene IV. The Campus. ALICE, AUSTIN, CHARLIE, CLINT, DUR, JORDAN and RED are making their way across campus using a completely incomprehensible student map, that is so littered with advertisements for cheap beer and parts in porn films, it is virtually impossible to read. The party soon come face to face with huge man, at least six and a half feet tall, clearly in his late fifties, dressed in a sports uniform in the varsity colours. This is RAM HA.]

Ram: Hello fellow students!

10.04.002

Charlie: Hello athletics coach! Isn't the [vaguely] team splendid this year? Oh, I do so enjoy, ah, sporting activities!

10.04.003

Ram: Ho. [Checks a note in his hand] Ho. I'm not a coach, I'm young student, like you. I enjoy drinking and not studying, as well as public urination.

10.04.004

Charlie: [Horrified] That isn't proper student behavior! [Gestures to the party] WE, on the other hand, quite enjoy bracing sunrise debates and group study sessions on Friday and Saturday nights! [Emphatically] AND indoor plumbing!

10.04.005

Jordan: [To Charlie] Speak for yourself Chaz! I for one love getting drunk! [To Ram] Nothing like being wasted while trying to do some indoor plumbing right?

10.04.006

Ram: Uh.. yeah! I sure hope we can find some adults to buy us beer and cigarettes. [Looks at the map] Are you kids lost?

10.04.007

Austin : Sort of. We are looking for the Ecogastronomy Department.

10.04.008

Ram: Gear! That's just where I'm going! We can go together. Maybe play some Ultimate Frisbee on the way!

10.04.009

Austin : [Clearly has no idea what could be ultimate about Frisbee] Er, yes, of course. I am sure come of my fellow students would be most excited by the prospect.

10.04.010

Charlie: [Also baffled] Indeed, we thrive during competitions such as that. [Quickly, to Ram] You start!

10.04.011

Ram: Uh, sure. [Takes a frisbee out of his pocket and sets it on fire] Catch! [Throws it to Charlie]

[The frisbee is thrown so fast that it flies over head and crashes into a building, getting embedded several inches into the wall.]

Alice: Er, good game.

10.04.012

Charlie: [Nods uncertainly] Yes, quite! [To Ram] Now that we have bonded through shared physical activity, do let us carry on to the Ecogastronomy Department.

10.04.013

Ram: Sure! Wow, it sure is fun being in a university that shoots so much pornography, isn't it? I bet the Olds would be shocked, as well as those meanies in HARMA. [Starts leading the party across campus]

10.04.014

TGFzdCBmcm9tIENvbm9yICMxMw0KDQo+UmFtOiBTdXJlISBXb3csIGl0IHN1cmUgaXMgZnVuIGJl aW5nIGluIGEgdW5pdmVyc2l0eSB0aGF0IHNob290cyBzbyBtdWNoIHBvcm5vZ3JhcGh5LCBpc24n dCBpdD8gSSBiZXQgdGhlIE9sZHMgd291bGQgYmUgc2hvY2tlZCwgYXMgd2VsbCBhcyB0aG9zZSBt ZWFuaWVzIGluIEhBUk1BLiBbU3RhcnRzIGxlYWRpbmcgdGhlIHBhcnR5IGFjcm9zcyA+Y2FtcHVz XQ0KDQpEdXI6IFtBc2lkZSB0byB0aGUgZ3JvdXBdIEFueW9uZSBlbHNlIGdldHRpbmcgYSB0cmFu Z2UgdmliZSBmcm9tIHRoaXMgZ3V5Pw0K

10.04.014

Austin : Indeed, but from what we have heard, the Olds might be the shocking, rather than the shocked [Smiles and wiggles his eye brows] . We have some work to do to regain our reputation, fortunately we have the Sarge and Alice with us! [Gives Alice and Charlie a wink] Veritable experts in the field of shock!

10.04.015

Clint: I'm with you on this, doc, but then we meet a lot of freaks in this line of work!

10.04.016

Alice: I'm not entirely sure this guy is a student at all!

10.04.017

TGFzdCBmcm9tIENvbm9yICMxNg0KDQo+QWxpY2U6IEknbSBub3QgZW50aXJlbHkgc3VyZSB0aGlz IGd1eSBpcyBhIHN0dWRlbnQgYXQgYWxsIQ0KDQpEdXI6IENvdWxkIGhlIGJlIGEgSEFSTUEgc3B5 Pw0K

10.04.018

Austin : Hmm, students are a pretty quirky bunch these days, but he seems unlikely for HARMA, I don't think they get issued with flaming Frisbee's. He's more like a Heirophantic knight. Or a psychopathic killer, it's never easy to tell the difference.

10.04.019

Clint: So what do we do about him, then? Boot to the face is always an old favorite.

10.04.020

Alice: Maybe he's one of those Harcs that we heard about?

Ram: [Leading the party] Come on, gang, let's get to the Department and start doing things that we think are fun, but that any decent, clean living person would think are an abominations.

10.04.021

Charlie: [To Ram] Er, that sounds splendid! Say, you wouldn't know any of those [finger quotes, and in a low voice] Harcs, would you?

10.04.022

Ram: Uh, no! I hate them. Ew!

10.04.023

Charlie: [Feigning disappointment] Oh? [In a low voice] My friend [gestures to Alice] and I were just saying it would be ever-so-dreamy to go to the Spring Sock Hop with a Bad Boy Archetype, like those Harcs!

10.04.024

Alice: Sure do, I think they're neat!

Ram: Yeah, they are definitely cool guys, and they are very daring, but it's important not to get mixed up with them. [Wink] Stay with me instead. [Wink]

10.04.025

Jordan: [To the guys, discreetly] I think the girls have lost it!

10.04.026

Austin : Sanity is clearly overrated.

10.04.027

Charlie: [Nods enthusiastically] Indeed, many of our greatest minds had merely a tenuous grasp on reality! [To Ram, winking awkwardly and flirting pitifully] Oh, yes! Quite! You rascal, you!

10.04.028

TGFzdCBmcm9tIEhlYXRoZXIgIzI3DQoNCj5DaGFybGllOiBbTm9kcyBlbnRodXNpYXN0aWNhbGx5 XSBJbmRlZWQsIG1hbnkgb2Ygb3VyIGdyZWF0ZXN0IG1pbmRzIGhhZCBtZXJlbHkgYSB0ZW51b3Vz IGdyYXNwIG9uIHJlYWxpdHkhICBbVG8gUmFtLCB3aW5raW5nIGF3a3dhcmRseSBhbmQgZmxpcnRp bmcgcGl0aWZ1bGx5XSBPaCwgeWVzISAgUXVpdGUhICBZb3UgcmFzY2FsLCB5b3UhDQoNCkR1cjog RG8geW91IGhhdmUgc29tZXRoaW5nIGluIHlvdXIgZXllIGdpcmw/IFBlcmhhcHMgSSBzaG91bGQg aGF2ZSBhIGxvb2sgYXQgaXQuLi4NCg

10.04.029

Ram: [Wink] Yes, something in her [wink] eye. Because we don't like [wink] Harcs.

10.04.030

Austin : [To the party] So what do we do now? Mr Scar, perhaps your suggestion is the best way forward?

10.04.031

Ram: Does his suggestion involve doing lots of studenty stuff?

[The party arrive at the Ecogastronomy Department, which is a large house set back from the main campus, with an open gate in front of it. There is a stack of pizzas outside.]

10.04.032

Charlie: [To Dur, sharply] Do not disgrace us by eating those pizzas! You will be fed on your usual schedule!

10.04.033

TGFzdCBmcm9tIEhlYXRoZXIgIzMyDQoNCj5DaGFybGllOiBbVG8gRHVyLCBzaGFycGx5XSBEbyBu b3QgZGlzZ3JhY2UgdXMgYnkgZWF0aW5nIHRob3NlIHBpenphcyEgWW91IHdpbGwgYmUgZmVkIG9u IHlvdXIgdXN1YWwgc2NoZWR1bGUhDQoNCkR1cjogW0ZyZWV6ZXMgYXMgaGUgZWRnZXMgY2xvc2Vy IHRvIHRoZSBQaXp6YV0gQnV0IHdoYXQgaWYgbXkgdXN1YWwgc2NoZWR1bGUgaXNuJ3QgdXN1YWwg ZW5vdWdoPyBbVHVybnMgdG8gUmFtXSBCZXNpZGVzLCB3aGF0IGlzIG1vcmUgc3R1ZGVudCB0aGFu IGEgc3RhY2sgb2YgcGl6emFzPw0K

10.04.034

Jordan: The boxes being empty?

10.04.034

Ram: Nothing other than getting a female co-ed drunk and taking photographs of her to put on Fakebook! [To Alice] What do you say?

Alice: Sure, I'm game!

10.04.035

Clint: [Shakes his head.] Can't do it without getting you nice and drunk too, Ram ol' buddy. Here, let me find you something really, really strong.


;;; I presume there's something we could use - boot to the face, if

all else fails! - to take care of Ram

;;; while handing him liquor.

10.04.036

Ram: Let's bring in some pizzas first! [Picks up a pizza box]


;;; No opportunity yet!

10.04.037

Jordan: [Picking up a pizza box] Yeah, okay. [To Charlie] I hope we find your family soon!

10.04.038

Charlie: [Nods to Jordan, in a low voice] As do I! [Discreetly tries to look inside the pizza box]

10.04.039

[Everyone crowds around CHARLIE's pizza box.]

Alice: Ew! What the hell is that?

[It contains a pizza that looks weeks old. RAM turns to look, as CHARLIE slams the box shut.]

Ram: What's up, gang?

10.04.040

Austin : [To Charlie] If you have quite finished foraging through the garbage, perhaps we can get a move on. [To Ram] Please excuse her behaviour, she was not well cared for as a child.

10.04.041

Ram: Haw! Us students sure do make funny jokes with each other. Now, everyone, grab a pizza!

10.04.042

Jordan: [To Ram] I'm not sure these pizzas are safe. Maybe you should sample some to make sure you aren't poisoning the other students?

10.04.042

Charlie: [Falls in line to follow Ram] Right, hurry along group! [To the party, quietly] We shall learn soon enough why this food looks only fit for Dur!

10.04.044

Jordan: Ah, but how do you know they are safe without checking them first? Surely it is impolite to give someone a gift which might kill them? Unless of course you are an assassin. Are you an assassin? Are you HARMA disguised as a student intending to kill the real students with poisoned pizzas?

10.04.045

Ram: Certainly not! Besides, if I was going to poison the students I'd use better looking pizza than this!

Alice: [Gasp] So you have thought about poisoning them!

10.04.046

Charlie: [To Alice, scolding] Just you face a lecture hall packed with hung-over, poorly fed, overcaffeinated graduate students and try to NOT think about it!!

10.04.047

Jordan: A few names spring to mind of professors and lecturers who have thought about poisoning themselves in that situation.

10.04.048

Austin : [Looks ponderous] My father used to talk a lot about poisoning himself. [Smiles] We always use to tell him to get on with it. [Brightly] Just imagine a university with out students, that would be progress!

10.04.049

Clint: I think a university without professors would be even better! Although I think we just call that a zoo.

10.04.050

Austin : Hmm, no professors, just students. It could work, but you can charge for zoos, I am not sure you could charge to see a uni with only students.

10.04.051

Jordan: Pay-per-view live pornography, or an admittance fee to take part and defile all the young nubile students you want.

10.04.052

Clint: Huh. I think we've got a new business plan for when we retire! One set of universities without students, one set of universities without professors... we'll be rich!

10.04.053

Alice: Great idea, Stinky! Now all we need to do is find a bunch of idiots with loads of money!

Ram: Great, I think we can forget about the foolish idea to test the pizza. Come on, let's do some student stuff!

10.04.054

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10.04.055

Ram: No! I love pizza! Look! [Opens the box and takes out the clearly weeks old pizza] Mm! [Takes a bite of it, working hard to break off the mouthful and choke it down] Very... nice. [Looks like he's about to throw up]

10.04.055

Content-Type: text/plain; charset="iso-8859-1" Content-Transfer-Encoding: quoted-printable

Red: [Rummages in his bag and grabs an undescriptive small bottle with green fluid] Ram=2C want some undescriptive alcohol? It's free [smiles] . =

--_b8616b84-f667-4279-9993-1a8002dda913_

10.04.056

[RAM grabs the bottle and downs it.]

Ram: Ew! What the hell is that? [Spews it and some pizza back up]

Alice: [Nostalgically] Ah... reminds me of my days on campus!

10.04.057

Jordan: Well that proves it. He isn't a true student. Real students can and will drink anything that they are told is alcohol, regardless of the taste.

10.04.058

Charlie: [To Ram] Then who are you, really?

10.04.059

Ram: I told you! I'm a student, just like you! My name is Ram Ha!

Alice: He's a total Harc! He has HARMA written all over him -- even his name is an anagram of HARMA!

10.04.060

Jordan: [Counts on his fingers while mouthing the letters silently] Dear Phili she's right! His name IS an anagram of HARMA! Get him! [Attacks Ram Ha by smashing the pizza box he is holding at Ram's head.]

10.04.061

Charlie: [Gasps and tries to restrain Ram] Quickly, group! We cannot attract too much attention.

10.04.062

Austin : [Pulls Ram's trousers to his ankles so that he cannot run, and so it looks like a random porno. To Charlie] True, you can never have too much attention!

10.04.063

Alice: Oh? In that case, let's set this nearby carriage on fire -- that'll attract loads of attention!

[AUSTIN pulls down RAM's pants as RED casts a spell. RAM stops dead]

Ram: Help! Help!

10.04.064

Jordan: [Grabs a slice of disgusting pizza from one of the boxes and shoves it in Ram's mouth to shut him up]


;;; Assuming by "stops dead" you mean he is paralysed so can't move

his arms to pull it back out again.

10.04.065

Ram: He-ummph!

Alice: [Dousing a nearby carriage with a previously unnoticed can of petrol] Anyone got a match?


;;; Yes!

10.04.066

Jordan: Sure do! [Pulls out a tin from one of his pockets and fishes out a book of matches, tossing them to Alice]

10.04.066

Content-Type: text/plain; charset="iso-8859-1" Content-Transfer-Encoding: quoted-printable

Red: [Smiles a little bit too much] Hold it Ram! [To Alice] I got somethingbetter=2C but do we really want to attract so much attention with a fire? = [Mumbles=2C more to himself then to Alice] Yet=2C when was the last time fire did not solve a problem.

3B=3B=3B Very --_6ba0f86c-f115-449b-840e-fb2eff4de151_

10.04.067

Charlie: I meant we must NOT attract attention! Hurry, let us find the Ecogastronomy Department and see if Mother and Alistair are safe.

10.04.068

Austin : [Looks to see if Alice has heard this] Hmm, yes we should get a move on.

10.04.069

Clint: Okay, but can we find some safe place to stash the harc? Back of a carriage, for example? [Goes to hit Ram over the head, just for the hell of it.]

10.04.070

[Bonk. RAM is knocked out and thrown into the carriage.]

Alice: A burning carriage is hardly a safe place to put the man!

10.04.071

Jordan: [Grumpily] Alice, it's the perfect place! Burn two issues with one match! [Frowns] Why the hell do you want to burn the carriage anyway?

10.04.072

Alice: To put a smile on the frowny face of yours!

10.04.073

Charlie: [Appalled] Do be serious! We will not KILL the man, just get him out of our way. [To Clint] Tuck him behind some bushes, would you?

10.04.073

Clint: Haw! As important as that is, Bimbo, we're gonna have to skip the bonfire for now. The smell of burning harc will attract the wrong kind of attention! I can't believe I'm about to say this, but let's just go talk to Charlie's mom.

10.04.074

Jordan: Yeah, before Charlie gets so impatient she gets her panties, which are really a practically non-existent g-string, in a knot. [Looks at Charlie] No point denying it, Pestilence told me over a pint one night.

10.04.074

Austin : [Ready to go] Yes, we are missing all the fun! It can't be good to be the last person to get to the party.

10.04.075

Alice: Yeesh, Jordie, it sounds like you're the one who's got a knot in his panties!

[RAM is safely tucked away, and the party approach the door of the department.]

10.04.076

Jordan: [Huffily] I don't wear panties thank you very much!

10.04.076

Content-Type: text/plain; charset="iso-8859-1" Content-Transfer-Encoding: quoted-printable

Red: [Moves to enter the building] We are too close to answers to delay now. 3B=3B=3BIf RAM is safely stored=2C should we call him ROM instead? =

--_542b029d-f815-4a92-94cf-ba3a10fa2a57_

10.04.078

Clint: [Nods and goes in as well.] And I don't want to know about the poet's manties anyway!


;;; Here's one vote for no!

10.04.079

Alice: So, you could say that there's a "Not" in Jordie's manties!

[RED tries the door, and it is locked.]


;;; It's not permanent, so we should call him EPROM!

10.04.078

Austin : If we don't hurry there will be a lot of things to close to delay! [Goes through the doors if he can]


;;;What? I don't know what you are talking about! Prank call!

10.04.080

Clint: [Flexes his door-kicking foot happily.] I've got this! [Applies boot A to door B.]

10.04.081

[CLINT thumps the door and puts a huge crack down it. It is quickly opened by a man with a cart load of books. This is CLEAN SANDY.]

Sandy: Hey! What's going on? [Looks the party up and down] Oh, man! Is this another one of those pizza-delivery-turns-into-an-orgy situations?

10.04.082

Charlie: [Primly] Indeed, it is not. We are with the Purity League and saving ourselves for marriage. Could you direct us to the Ecogastronomy Department?

10.04.083

Sandy: This is the Ecogastronomy Department, but I can only let in people who appear to be part of pizza-delivery-turns-into-an-orgy groups.

10.04.084

Charlie: [Brightly, brandishing the pizza] Splendid, we're your group! [Winks awkwardly at Sandy] You know how we virginal types often turn out to be the most amorous!

10.04.085

Sandy: [Unconvincing] Oh, gosh. A bunch of young pizza delivery people who are about to have sex with me, a lowly virginal librarian.

[Porn music starts... bom chikka bom!]

10.04.086

Content-Type: text/plain; charset="iso-8859-1" Content-Transfer-Encoding: quoted-printable

Red: [Discretely disappears behind a bookshelf] --_c06cbf49-25da-40c2-b5b6-b88d8ba0d45c_

10.04.087

Charlie: [Excited] Oh, you're a librarian?! Could you tell me if the latest issue of Science and Stuff has arrived?

10.04.088

Sandy: Yes! It's a special issue on Botany And Things!

10.04.089

Charlie: [Squeals] Oh, could I see it?!

10.04.090

Jordan: [To whoever can hear him muttering over the music] She could have totally worded that better.


;;; The question we don't want the answer to, is "which "it"?"

10.04.091

Sandy: You'll have to wait -- there's only one copy! [Looks at Red] What're you trying to do, Bud?

10.04.092

Clint: I'd guess he's trying to get way while Chuck here geeks out! I know the feeling.

10.04.093

Sandy: If you guys can make sure he doesn't get into any mischief, you can come right in.

10.04.094

Charlie: [Nods enthusiastically] Oh, we will! No doubt he yearns to find a quiet place to read, as do we all! [Enters the library]

10.04.095

Austin : I think his yearnings might be a little different from yours, I'm not so sure that 'reading' the reader's letters column counts.

10.04.096

Sandy: I hope he doesn't think there's any porn in here.

[The music gets even louder. Bom CHIKKA BOOOOOM!]


;;; End of scene, next one coming right up

10.05.001

[Book IX, Act X, Scene V. The Ecogastronomy Department. ALICE, AUSTIN, CHARLIE, CLINT, DUR, JORDAN and RED are here with CLEAN SANDY.]

Sandy: What can I do for you guys? Oh, and don't forget to leave the stack of pizzas near the gate when you leave.

10.05.002

Charlie: [Squeals with delight and flips out a notepad filled with article titles] I should like a copy of each of these articles as soon as possible! [Temptingly] If you have them back to me in under an hour, I shall include you in a list of librarians I plan to thank in the acknowledgements of my next book!

10.05.003

Jordan: [Sourly] Never before have I heard a more tempting reason to move slow.

10.05.004

TGFzdCBmcm9tIERyZXcgIzMNCg0KPkpvcmRhbjogW1NvdXJseV0gTmV2ZXIgYmVmb3JlIGhhdmUg SSBoZWFyZCBhIG1vcmUgdGVtcHRpbmcgcmVhc29uIHRvIG1vdmUgc2xvdy4NCg0KRHVyOiBSZWFs bHk/IEkgY291bGQgdGhpbmsgb2YgYXQgbGVhc3QgYSBkb3plbiAnbWFyY2hlcyB0byBvdXIgb3du IGRlYXRoJyB0aGF0IEkgd2FudGVkIHRvIG1vdmUgYXQgYSBzbmFpbCdzIHBhY2UgZm9yLi4uDQo

10.05.005

Alice: Get a hold of yourself, Charlie! This is a university -- hardly the place for doing research!

Sandy: [Looks at the list of articles] Mm.. I like what I see here. [Licks his lips] Delicious.

10.05.005

Charlie: [Composes herself] Oh, right. We have more pressing matters than my research just now. [To Sandy] Could you bring us to Professor Finley at once?

10.05.006

Sandy: He's given strict orders not to disturb him! He's busy with his research assistant.

10.05.007

TGFzdCBmcm9tIENvbm9yDQoNCj5TYW5keTogSGUncyBnaXZlbiBzdHJpY3Qgb3JkZXJzIG5vdCB0 byBkaXN0dXJiIGhpbSEgSGUncyBidXN5IHdpdGggaGlzIHJlc2VhcmNoIGFzc2lzdGFudC4NCg0K RHVyOiBbU25pZ2dlcmluZ10gSSB0aGluayB3ZSBrbm93IEhFUiBhcyB3ZWxsLiANCg

10.05.008

Jordan: [To Sandy in a condescending tone] I thought you said there was no pornography here?

10.05.008

Austin : Indeed, we are part of the 'team'. [Wiggles his eyebrows]

10.05.009

Sandy: [To Jordan] Did you? [To Austin] That's disappointing -- I thought you might be the Queens View party looking to work with Finley to try and save the world. What a gyp.

10.05.010

Clint: [Modestly] We do our best work anonymously. Particularly when HARMA is around!

10.05.011

Sandy: Is there anyone else who might be able to help? You know, while Finley is indisposed?

10.05.012

Charlie: Is Dr. Helena Parker-Kensington about?

10.05.013

Sandy: Yeah! Oh man, she's one great little lady! Do you know her?

10.05.014

Clint: Yes. Yes we do. So can you take us to her?

10.05.015

Sandy: Sure thing -- that Hell Raiser is gonna be delighted to meet some old friends!

[SANDY leads them to a door and knocks, before looking in.]

Sandy: Hiya, Hell -- got some visitors for ya. Will I send them in? [Listens, and turns to the party, laughing] Ha! She's a laugh, that one! In you go!

10.05.016

Charlie: [To Sandy, baffled] Are you sure you mean Dr. HELENA Parker-Kensington? Not Gertrude?

10.05.016

Clint: Charlie's mother. Very dangerous. [Turns to Charlie.] You go first.

10.05.017

Sandy: Gertrude? Nope, it's definitely Hell!

[He pushes the door open to reveal HELL ANNA PORKER KNEESINFRONT, a dwarf dressed a schoolgirl.]

Hell: 'sup?

10.05.018

Austin : [Worried, to Charlie] I think we may have travelled too far back in time.

10.05.019

Jordan: [To Austin in a very condescending manner] For a lawyer you aren't very intelligent. If we had gone to far back in time, you wouldn't have met me at Earl's not too long ago, would you?

10.05.020


;;; Heather is afk

Charlie: That is most certainly not my mother!

Alice: [To Jordan] That depends on when we went back in time, doesn't it?

Hell: Heya, Jordan, got into the porn biz?

10.05.021

Austin : [double take from Hell to Jordan] An ex-girl friend of yours?

10.05.022

Jordan: [To Hell] Alas my dear Hell, the answer is no. We're working undercover, and our acquaintance here [nods to Sandy] misheard when we said who we were looking for. Understandable though, you do have very similar names. [To Austin] Do you really need to ask that? You have met my wife after all.

10.05.023

Austin : [Shrugs] So? That does not mean that you have not had a girlfriend in the past, do it.

10.05.024

Alice: He likes them young, doesn't he? [Leans over to Hell] You're just as cute as a button, aren't you?

Hell: Back off, bitch, and wash your teeth.

10.05.025

Charlie: [Wrinkling her nose] You wretched little creature! How dare you sully my mother's good name?!

10.05.026

Hell: What the hell are you talking about? Don't think you're too old to put across my knee and spank you!

10.05.026

Austin : Steady as she goes Sarge, her name is not the same, after all.

10.05.027

Jordan: Now now ladies, on need to be so catty with each other! [To Hell] Okay, remind me, just how did we meet?

10.05.028

Hell: You were passed out on a footpath covered in puke.

10.05.029

Jordan: I don't remember that!

10.05.030

Hell: Sure you do -- someone stole your shoes and sold them for cheese.

10.05.031

Jordan: [Thinks for a moment] Oh! That night! [Thinks again] Wait, wasn't that you?

10.05.032

Charlie: [To Jordan] You know this creature? Make her change her name at once!

10.05.033

Hell: [To Charlie] Look, Stretch, you better back off! [To Jordan] Of course it was. Finder's keepers, I always say.

10.05.034

Jordan: Quite right! As do many others. So, tell me you little imp, what have you been up to?

10.05.035

Last from drew 34

Hell: I'm engaged!

10.05.036

Jordan: Were you high at the time?

10.05.037

Austin : [To Hell] Congratulations! Who is the lucky one? [Frowns, to Jordan] Where are your manners?

10.05.038

Clint: Same place as Charlie's, I bet!

10.05.039

Charlie: [In a huff] Just you try to remain courteous in the face of shocking disrespect! [To Hell] How did you decide upon your name? [Skeptically] Had you read one of my mother's articles?

10.05.040

Hell: Hell, I'm high right now! [To Austin] Finley! He's just great! [To Charlie] That depends on who your mother is -- if it's Helena, then no, but she's such an icon in the world of Science and Stuff, I went for that. You know, in the porn industry, you have to have a punny name, so I had to change mine.

Alice: What was your original name?

Hell: Uvanna Handjob.

10.05.041

Austin : [Looks suprised] They say that imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, and in this case it seems to be true.

10.05.042

Alice: Really? Wow, I didn't know she was that famous.

Hell: Yeah, the gays love her!

10.05.043

Charlie: [Irked] More than me?! After my groundbreaking work on homosocial bonding among the bunyip?!

10.05.044

Hell: I don't know what that means, but I think it's because she's such a cold mean bitch.

Alice: [Reassuringly] We all think you're really mean too, Charlie!

10.05.045

Austin : Except me, I don't have the time. [Looks around] We really should speak to Dr Findley. Is he around?

10.05.046

Alice: [Helpfully] It's a quarter past three.

Hell: He certainly is, he's just doing something weird with a pizza delivery guy in the next room.

10.05.047

Jordan: Weird as in something you should be doing with the pizza delivery guy?

10.05.048

Content-Type: text/plain; charset="iso-8859-1" Content-Transfer-Encoding: quoted-printable

Red: Weird as in giving the pizza delivery guy a tip? --_c92150ea-e744-4ba0-b89e-468ac4885c5e_

10.05.048

Charlie: [Skeptically] Now, is it really Professor Alistair Finley, or some perverse version of him?!

10.05.049

TGFzdCBmcm9tIEhlYXRoZXIgIzQ4DQoNCj5DaGFybGllOiBbU2tlcHRpY2FsbHldIE5vdywgaXMg aXQgcmVhbGx5IFByb2Zlc3NvciBBbGlzdGFpciBGaW5sZXksIG9yIHNvbWUgcGVydmVyc2UgdmVy c2lvbiBvZiBoaW0/IQ0KDQpEdXI6IFBoaWxpIGhlbHAgdXMhIEhlJ3MgYSBwZXJ2ZXJzZSB2ZXJz aW9uIGVub3VnaCBhcyBpdCBpcyENCg

10.05.049

Austin : This is not the time for lengthy philosophical debate, we have a world to save!

10.05.050

Hell: I think he may have been [dramatically] eating pizza!

[The door opens. Enter ALISTAIR FINLEY, eating a slice of pizza. He is wearing normal clothes, except for his trousers, which are huge, clown-like ones.]

Finley: Ah, Pukwudgie! There you are! [Gives Hell a hug]

10.05.051

Charlie: [Fuming] Really, Alistair?! Even SHE is [finger quotes] Pukwudgie?!

10.05.052

Content-Type: text/plain; charset="iso-8859-1" Content-Transfer-Encoding: quoted-printable

Red: Alistair=2C at last=2C you are a hard man to find! As you can see=2C Ifound the party you send me to find. How is the progress on your side? =

--_cccc9f0e-2f94-4067-938b-055c7b450410_

10.05.052

Finley: Eh? Er, quite, yes. Now, I believe you were about to tell us how to save the world, correct?

10.05.053

Austin : Errm, I thought you were going to tell us?


;;; do we have the Fate books?

10.05.054

Finley: I don't know! We still haven't established what's causing the Reveals! I keep thinking I've figured it out, but then the cause seems to change. It's like someone knows our every move! [To Red] Ah, young... man! How are you getting on?


;;; Not the actual Fatebook (the one that shows how far along The Path

people are)

;;; but yes to "The Books", which are ancient books foretelling the future.

10.05.055

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Red: It has been.... weird with these people=2C but you learn to love them [smiles] and you never get bored. [Looks seriously.] Any progress on gettin= g people back from the reveals? --_2d1555f4-8045-4ad6-ab80-5795bfb2afc5_

10.05.056

Finley: Excellent question! Excellent! [To Hell] Do you have my pen?

[HELL fishes a large marker out of her pocket and sucks on it salaciously for a moment, before handing it to FINLEY.]

Finley: [Starts to write some fiendishly complex equations on the wall] We actually succeeded in bringing someone back, but just for a moment. There appear to be forces [points to some math on the wall] pulling people back.

10.05.057

Clint: [Turns to Alice] Bimbo, that gobbledygook make sense to you? Is he right?

10.05.058

Last from tom 57

Alice: It does if someone really was brought back. It means that the revealsaren't just disappearing, it means they are going somewhere.=20=

10.05.059

Jordan: Maybe we should try and go down one of them to see if it will reveal where it leads?

10.05.060

Clint: Certainty of death, small chance of success... what are we waiting for?

10.05.061

Jordan: At least someone has the right mentality about it all.


;;; Out for the day.

10.05.062

Charlie: [Skeptically] Alistair, do you think it possible to enter a reveal without it ripping one in two?!

10.05.063

Clint: [Shrugs.] Sarge, we do three impossible things before breakfast. What's the worry?

10.05.064

Austin : It's nearly lunch time.

10.05.065

Alistair: It is an interesting question -- I initially assumed that anyone caught within a Reveal was killed, but now I'm working on the theory that they are transported. However, if one is caught on the cusp, then yes, they would certainly be torn apart.

10.05.066

Charlie: How thrilling! Have you done some trials by sending in dogs and the indigent to test your theories?

10.05.067

Austin : [Alarmed] Why would he waste a perfectly good dog?

10.05.068

Charlie: True, dogs do have many uses. [To Alistair] The indigent, then?

10.05.069

Alistair: Of course! That was the first thing we did! None of them have returned though.

Alice: What happened with the guy you did bring back?

Alistair: He slapped me in the face, called me an idiot and stole my sandwich!

10.05.070

Clint: What were you doing, experimenting on poor Dur like that...

10.05.071


;;; Kevin is out today

Dur: I protest! I would never do such a thing! I would never slap a man! A woman, maybe. Child? If they had something worth stealing, but man? Now who's the idiot?

10.05.072

Charlie: [Excited, to Alistair] Could we speak to the subject?

10.05.073

Alistair: Unfortunately not -- before I could react, he disappeared again! This is why I believe that something pulled him back. It actually created a small Reveal in my lab.

10.05.074

Clint: Hey, this is sounding like a better plan by the minute!

10.05.075

Dur: Did you ever get the sandwich back?

Finley: Alas, no!

Dur: What kind of sandwich was it?

Finley: It was a ... [chokes up a little] tuna m-m-melt.

[HELL gives him a consoling hug.]

Alice: Er, but getting back to the Reveals. How many of them are there now?

Finley: Millions!

10.05.076

Charlie: [Aghast] Oh my! Could they actually consume the realms if they continue unchecked?

10.05.077

Alistair: By my current estimate, approximately 80% of the Realms has already been consumed!

10.05.078

Austin : They must be storing it in another dimension, perhaps even reconstructing it?

10.05.079

Jordan: What parts are still left intact?

Finley: Patches here and there. Look. [Shows a map of the Realms to the party] Any part that is covered in black has been destroyed.

10.05.080

Charlie: [Frowns and studies the map closely] Group, is it my imagination or can you see some of those symbols Will kept drawing?! [Points to an O at the top and a lightning bolt at the bottom]

10.05.081

Alice: [Squints at it] The rest are just kind of a jumble, though, aren't they?

10.05.081

Clint: [Growling] This better not be all part of your kid's midlife crisis!

10.05.082

Alice: But what does this mean?

10.05.083

Charlie: [Wails] I don't know, but Wilhelmina cannot be behind these dreadful things! [Hopefully] Perhaps it is just a coincidence that a few of those symbols appear. Zeroes and lightning bolts are not uncommon, after all.

10.05.084

Jordan: [Throws his hands up in frustration] Oh come off it Chuckles! We all saw that those were two of the symbols that appeared in all of her paintings, don't be so naive as to think your precious Willi has nothing to do with the Reveals!

10.05.085

Alice: But what about the other symbols?

10.05.086

Jordan: [Looking at Finley's map] Well some of these lines do connect to almost look like a cup. Many instances of lines connecting to look like windows. I'm struggling to recognise a tree shape at all, and if anyone can see a woman's face in there you deserve a month long cheese binge vacation from all this balderdash!

10.05.087

Charlie: [Unhappily] Yes, I can see what you mean about the window and cup. There must be some connection to Will, but what?!

10.05.088

Alice: Do we have any idea where the next one might happen?

10.05.089

TGFzdCBmcm9tIENvbm9yICM4OA0KDQo+QWxpY2U6IERvIHdlIGhhdmUgYW55IGlkZWEgd2hlcmUg dGhlIG5leHQgb25lIG1pZ2h0IGhhcHBlbj8NCg0KRHVyOiBQZXJoYXBzIHRoZXJlIGlzIHNvbWUg a2luZCBvZiBwYXR0ZXJuIHRvIHRoaXMgbWFkbmVzcz8gSSB3b3VsZCB0aGluayBhIG1hdGhlbWF0 aWNhbCBnZW5pdXMgd291bGQgYmUgYWJsZSB0byBkZWNpcGhlciBvbmUgaWYgaXQgZXhpc3RlZC4u Lg0K

10.05.090

Alice: Maybe there is a pattern, but there's such a mess of them, it's impossible to see.

10.05.091

Jordan: Then redraw the map, putting them on in sequence of appearance, and see if you can decipher a pattern that way as you go along!

10.05.092

Finley: I've done just that -- I had some grad students put together a flip book!

10.05.093

Jordan: Hmm, moon is the circle, the circle with a line would be the tree, then the window, a cup and finally the lightning. Although, when the second lot of Reveals appear, the moon at the top of the tree could be a legless woman. The second moon becomes her head, and the first tree her body and arms, with her hands on her hips. Good job she has no legs, or else she would be tucking her knees in tight.

10.05.094

Clint: Does anyone have a better plan than going through to see what's on the other side? It won't be on now before it doesn't even matter!

10.05.095

Austin: But where will the next one appear? Or disappear?

10.05.096

Charlie: [Squints at the map] Is this a smudge? Or an incomplete Reveal? [Points to the bottom right corner]

10.05.097

Finley: It most certainly is not a smudge! Remember, each character, or letter, is made up of many Reveals.

10.05.098

Jordan: [To Charlie] A smudge? A bloody smudge? Seriously? [Getting more and more aggravated] I'm honestly starting to think Alice is more intelligent than you are Chuckles! It's no wonder your daughter went off the deep end, you weren't smart enough to keep her in line! [Storms out of the room mumbling angrily to himself]

10.05.098


;;; and that is me gone for about 13 weeks everyone. Heading back to

Georgia USA on Monday for 12 weeks. Getting to experience my first

Thanksgiving! Woohoo!

On 24 October 2014 17:19, Marc-Andrew Hunnam Nicholas

10.05.099

Austin : [After Jordan leaves. Exhales slowly] Well, that was a little tense. [Casually checks his nails] So, is the 'smudge' the place to find the next Reveal? And, do we want to be in it?


;;;Very busy week ahead, will post when I can. Off on Friday.


;;;Have a good thx givin Drew!

10.05.100

Alice: [Watches the door slam after Jordan's storm off] I agree with Jordan, Charlie's right, it must be the next Reveal. [To Finley] As Austin says, do we want to be in the Reveal? How sure are you that we won't be just killed?

Finley: I'm about 70% sure.

10.05.101

Charlie: [Delighted] How splendid! High enough to be heroic, yet still reasonably safe! [To the party] To the smudged Reveal!

10.05.102

Content-Type: text/plain; charset="iso-8859-1" Content-Transfer-Encoding: quoted-printable

Red: Lets just hope it doesn't reveal anything we don't want it to. =

--_66659fbb-6c45-401c-a4fc-ee4dde58972a_

10.05.103

Dur: Well when you say it like that, how could it Reveal anything else!?

10.05.104

Austin : None of us have anything to hide, we are all good friends. [Looks around the party] Well, we should probably decide where the next Reveal will be, go there, be heroic, and save the world. [Smugly] Again.

10.05.105

Alice: But how do we get there?

Finley: [Traces a route that avoids the Reveals completely] You could try this way, which completely avoids any Reveal activity. I estimate it would take four weeks.

10.05.106

TGFzdCBmcm9tIENvbm9yICMxMDUNCg0KPkFsaWNlOiBCdXQgaG93IGRvIHdlIGdldCB0aGVyZT8N Cj4NCj5GaW5sZXk6IFtUcmFjZXMgYSByb3V0ZSB0aGF0IGF2b2lkcyB0aGUgUmV2ZWFscyBjb21w bGV0ZWx5XSBZb3UgY291bGQgdHJ5IHRoaXMgd2F5LCB3aGljaCBjb21wbGV0ZWx5IGF2b2lkcyBh bnkgUmV2ZWFsIGFjdGl2aXR5LiBJIGVzdGltYXRlIGl0IHdvdWxkIHRha2UgZm91ciB3ZWVrcy4N Cg0KRHVyOiBEbyB3ZSBoYXZlIHRoYXQgbXVjaCB0aW1lPyBQZXJoYXBzIHdlIGNvdWxkIHRyYXZl bCBieSBhaXIgc29tZSBob3c/DQo

10.05.107

Charlie: No, we haven't that much time. The entire realms could be consumed by then! [To Finley] Are there no water routes we might take?

10.05.108

Finley: Ingenious! Yes, if you set sail in a Northwesterly direction, I believe that it would be possible to sail right around and come out close to the location of the next Reveal.

Alice: Brilliant! How long will that take?

Finley: I estimate two months. Once we've designed and built a ship capable of making the journey, of course!

10.05.109

Clint: Why don't we go by balloon? A dangerous, untested balloon. And we can always just use the time machine if we have to.

10.05.110

Charlie: Ooh, a balloon would be marvelous! [To Finley] Dare I ask if you have a balloon already assembled and ready to launch?

10.05.111

Finley: Ah, yes! Of course! Once the fire is put out, it'll be ready to go! [Stares at Clint] Time machine, eh? That just might work!

10.05.112

Charlie: [To Finley, skeptically] Really? It won't take six months or some nonsense? And it's not on fire?

10.05.113

Clint: Sometimes a balloon is just a balloon, Sarge. Just go with it.

10.05.114

Finley: Yes, the baloon most certainly IS on fire, young man! The time machine, on the other hand, is not.

10.05.115

Charlie: [Delighted] Wonderful! We shall take the time machine, then. [Frets] I do hope someday I can travel in time for the purposes of study, and not always just travel in time for heroic reasons!


;;; Is the time machine back in the House of Teas?

10.05.115

Austin : Unfortunately I don't think the time machine send you back very far, just a few hours at most?

10.05.116

Finley: That depends on what sort of time machine you are talking about, young man! Some are short term, others can be much longer. Others, long still. Still others? Even longer! Many more? Don't work at all!


;;; There was one in the convent in Nostalgia, yes!

10.05.117

Clint: The question is, does the one in Nostalgia take us far enough back that we can show up here in time to save the balloon? And do we want to risk running into those nuns again!

10.05.118

Finley: I'm quite sure that the one in the University will take you far back enough.

Alice: Now, the time machine isn't on fire, is it?

Finley: Of course not! Don't be absurd. [Thoughtfully] The building it's in, however, well, that's another matter.

10.05.119

Charlie: [Gasps] Hurry, group! To the time machine, before it goes up in flames!

10.05.120

Austin : Are they flammable?

10.05.121

Finley: Violently so.

10.05.122

Charlie: [Excited] Then will you take us there at once?!

10.05.123

Finley: Certainly not! Have you seen the sort of ludicrous outfits people have to wear to move around campus?

10.05.124

Charlie: [Exasperated] This from a man who routinely cannot find his trousers!


;;; I think that's my three!

10.05.125

TGFzdCBmcm9tIEhlYXRoZXIgIzEyNA0KDQo+Q2hhcmxpZTogW0V4YXNwZXJhdGVkXSBUaGlzIGZy b20gYSBtYW4gd2hvIHJvdXRpbmVseSBjYW5ub3QgZmluZCBoaXMgdHJvdXNlcnMhDQoNCkR1cjog V2hpY2ggaXMgdHJ1bHkgYSBzaGFtZSwgZm9yIGEgbWFuIHdpdGggbm8gdHJvdXNlcnMgaGFzIG5v IHBsYWNlIHRvIHN0b3JlIGEgc2FuZHdpY2ggZm9yIGEgcmFpbnkgZGF5IQ0KDQo7OztEdXIgdG8g dGhlIHJlc2N1ZSENCg

10.05.126

Clint: We don't have time to argue! Just give us directions so we can run into a burning building, which is something we haven't done enough of lately.

10.05.127

Finley: [Squeezes Dur's shoulder] Ah, finally, a man who truly understands the implications of a trouser malfunction. [To Clint] It is right across campus, a mile to the west.

Alice: Are we really going run into a burning building dressed like this? On a [looks at a nearby calendar] Monday? At [checks her watch] 3PM?

10.05.128

Clint: I know it's a lot to ask, Bimbo, but sometimes you've got to do what you've got to do. Besides, it's not like there'll be anyone in the building to see!

10.05.129

Finley: Yeah, Bimbo! It's not like there'll be anyone in the building to see!

Alice: Okay, Stinky, but what about HARMA?

Finley: Yeah, Stinky! What ABOUT HARMA?

10.05.130

Clint: Since when did we care what those idiots thought?


;;; And I'm off. Must take the car in for the state inspection.

10.05.130

Austin : Indeed, Stinky! WHAT ABOUT HARMA?

10.05.131

Austin : Good point. Well made. I believe that 'never' is the answer.

10.05.132

Alice: So they're going to let us just walk across campus looking like students? Totes prep!

10.05.133

Charlie: Well, we can make these outfits more pornographic. [Somewhat wearily] I suspect Dr. Finley would be happy to assist!

10.05.134

Alice: I thought these were pornographic!

Hell: They are, but for a fire? Oh, please!

10.05.135

Charlie: One needs a different sort of pornographic outfit to rush toward a fire?

10.05.136

Finley: Most certainly! There is a large collection in the next room, just tell Hell what you would most like.


;;; Who wants to suggest an outfit??

10.05.137

Charlie: [Hesitantly] A saucy fire-fighter's uniform?

10.05.138

TGFzdCBmcm9tIEhlYXRoZXIgIzEzNw0KDQo+Q2hhcmxpZTogW0hlc2l0YW50bHldIEEgc2F1Y3kg ZmlyZS1maWdodGVyJ3MgdW5pZm9ybT8NCg0KRHVyOiBbQ29uZnVzZWRdIFdoeSBvbiBlYXJ0aCB3 b3VsZCB5b3Ugd2FudCBhIHVuaWZvcm0gY292ZXJlZCBpbiBncmF2eT8NCg0KDQo7OzsgWklORyEN Cg

10.05.139

Finley: Because, my friend, when someone steals your trousers, you can simply squeeze out the sleeves of the jacket to get some food!

[Exit ALL.]


;;; End of scene, next one coming up soon!

10.06.001

[Book IX, Act VI, Scene VI. The Costume Room. ALICE, AUSTIN, CHARLIE, CLINT, DUR and RED have just arrived with FINLEY. The room is crammed full of every conceivable kind of costume, from Aardvark Hunters to Zookeeper.]

Finley: And here we have everything you could possibly want!

Alice: Can we combine them to make up our own?

Finley: As long as they are saucy, suggestive and wouldn't be out of place in a pornographic film of any category except science fiction from the last thirty to ten years, then by all means!

10.06.002

Charlie: [Digs around and promptly comes up with a skimpy firefighter's costume that looks like a male stripper outfit, complete with an enormously intimidating hose] I shall take this one!

10.06.003

Alice: [Dressed as a French maid/firefighter] Ha! You look crazy, Charlie!


;;; Dom is out today

Austin: [Wearing as conservative a fireman costume as he can find, complete with shiny red helmet] Do the indignities never end?

10.06.003

Clint: [Cobbles together a biker outfit complete with an utter lack of shirt and a jacket bearing the slogans "bikers do it on asphalt" and "I brake for nookie."] It could be worse...

10.06.004

Alice: What kind of fire are you trying to put out, Stinky? [Theatrically] One in a gay guy's loins? Zing!

10.06.005

Clint: [Disgruntled.] I'm the paramedic, obviously!

10.06.005


;;; No posting today! Back to normal tomorrow!

10.06.006

Austin : Let us pray that no one gets hurt.

10.06.007

Alice: Between the gay paramedic and Dur, it'll be a miracle if we can get to the door without someone getting hurt!

[ALICE heads to the door of the dressing room, but immediately stands on and slips on a carelessly discarded sandwich, before crashing into a table of shiny helmets.]

Alice: Ow.

10.06.008

Austin : [Rushes over to help Alice] Are you okay? Do you need mouth to mouth? [Checks Alice's pulse and listens to her heart if she lets him]

10.06.009

Charlie: [Scolding] Dur, do be more careful about leaving your food about!

10.06.010

Alice: I think I have an Austin on my boobs.

10.06.011

Content-Type: text/plain; charset="iso-8859-1" Content-Transfer-Encoding: quoted-printable

Red: [Appears from behind a pile of clothing dressed as a police officer=2Cwith chaps and a not-so-standard club] Nothing to see here=2C move along p= eople. [Directs the party onward.] --_2e14f143-8c8d-4c61-a072-93f4cc19d86b_

10.06.012

Austin : [Worried] Are they okay? [Checks Alice's boobs to make sure they are okay. Wipes his brow in relief and puts his helmet back on] I think you are going to recover fully. [Helps Alice up] All in a days work for a fireman.

10.06.013

Alice: I think they're perky and perf. Although a bit too manhandled for my liking!

10.06.014

Charlie: Mr. Sleaze, do behave yourself! Haven't Alice's breasts seen enough [finger quotes] action for one lifetime as it is?!

10.06.015

TGFzdCBmcm9tIEhlYXRoZXIgIzE0DQoNCj5DaGFybGllOiBNci4gU2xlYXplLCBkbyBiZWhhdmUg eW91cnNlbGYhICBIYXZlbid0IEFsaWNlJ3MgYnJlYXN0cyBzZWVuIGVub3VnaCBbZmluZ2VyIHF1 b3Rlc10gYWN0aW9uIGZvciBvbmUgbGlmZXRpbWUgYXMgaXQgaXM/IQ0KDQpEdXI6IE9oIG15IGdv ZCEgQXJlIHlvdSBvayB5b3UgcG9vciwgZGVsaWNhdGUgdGhpbmc/ISBXZXJlIHlvdSBodXJ0PyBE b24ndCBmcmV0LCBEdXIgaXMgaGVyZSBub3cuLi4uIFtZZXMuLi4gRHVyIGlzIHRhbGtpbmcgdG8g dGhlIHNhbmR3aWNoLl0NCg

10.06.016

Alice: Aw, thanks so much, Dur. [Sighs and looks off into space] You know, although everyone thinks you're a weirdo, I think you're actually quite nice, and -- [notices that he's talking to the sandwich] Hey!

10.06.017

TGFzdCBmcm9tIENvbm9yICMxNg0KDQo+QWxpY2U6IEF3LCB0aGFua3Mgc28gbXVjaCwgRHVyLiBb U2lnaHMgYW5kIGxvb2tzIG9mZiBpbnRvIHNwYWNlXSBZb3Uga25vdywgYWx0aG91Z2ggZXZlcnlv bmUgdGhpbmtzIHlvdSdyZSBhIHdlaXJkbywgSSB0aGluayB5b3UncmUgYWN0dWFsbHkgcXVpdGUg bmljZSwgYW5kIC0tIFtub3RpY2VzIHRoYXQgaGUncyB0YWxraW5nIHRvIHRoZSBzYW5kd2ljaF0g PkhleSENCg0KRHVyOiBRdWlldCB5b3UhIENhbid0IHlvdSBzZWUgSSBhbSByaWdodCBpbiB0aGUg bWlkZGxlIG9mIGEgZGVsaWNhdGUgcHJvY2VkdXJlPyEgW0dvZXMgYmFjayB0byBsaWNraW5nIHNt ZWFyZWQgbWF5byBmcm9tIG9mZiB0aGUgZmxvb3JdDQo

10.06.018

Charlie: [To Dur, urgently] Stop that! With costumes like these in stock, Phili only knows what sort of horrible people patronize this shop--and what they drop or leak upon the floor!


;;; Keeeevin! Ewww!

10.06.019

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10.06.019

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Red: [Puts a detective cap on top of his police cap=2C lights a pipe and grabs a magnifying glass] I believe I can answer that for you=2C but I shall = need a doctor as assistant. --_24d6c0cd-bb01-4c15-97db-4b225ee1432f_

10.06.020

Alice: You sure that's actually mayonnaise?

10.06.019

Clint: I think what she's trying to say, doc, is that that's probably not mayo.

10.06.021

Charlie: [Looking at the floor disapprovingly] Whatever it was, it's gone now! [Looks at the party] Is everyone properly uniformed? We really must see to this fire!

10.06.022

Austin : Time machine, Sarge! I know it is difficult whilst wearing these ridiculous costumes, but we must stay focused. We are not firemen.

10.06.023

Alice: [Squirts water all over Austin] Oops.

10.06.024

Charlie: [To Austin, trying to hide her disappointment] But if we DO see a fire along the way, we really should put it out. Otherwise, people might feel we have misrepresented ourselves!

10.06.025

Alice: Wait a minute? We're firemen? I thought we were strippers! [Heads to the door] Let's get to this time machine burn it to the ground!

10.06.026

Charlie: Hurry, group! Follow me, and keep those matches away from Alice!

10.06.049

Ram: Mmf-mmmm-mmf! Mf?

10.06.050

Charlie: Now, start counting until you reach Graham's Number, and then you may take off your mask!

10.06.047

TGFzdCBmcm9tIEhlYXRoZXIgIzQ2DQoNCj5DaGFybGllOiBbTm9kcyBlbnRodXNpYXN0aWNhbGx5 LCB0cnlpbmcgdG8gY3VmZiBSYW1dIFllcywgaXNuJ3QgaXQgdGhyaWxsaW5nPyAgW1RvIENsaW50 IGFuZCBEdXJdIEdpdmUgbWUgYSBoYW5kIHdpdGggdGhpcyBzYXVjeSBnYW1lLCB3b3VsZCB5b3U/ DQoNCkR1cjogW0NvbmZ1c2VkXSBTYXVjeT8gRGlkIEkgbWlzcyBzb21lIGZsb29yIG1heW9ubmFp c2Ugc29tZXdoZXJlPyBbTG9va3MgYXJvdW5kXQ0K

10.06.037

Ram: I think there are lots of cucumber sandwiches in that shop near the time machine.

10.06.051

Ram: Mmahmm's mumba?

10.06.044

Charlie: [Takes the cuffs from Red] Perfect! [To Ram] Now, if you'll take your chair, we can start to get a bit more [tries to wink in a painfully awkward manner] academic, if one understands my meaning!

10.06.048

Austin : Allow me [Swiftly and securely attatches various sets of hand cuffs and leg cuffs, a blind fold and a gag, to Ram]

10.06.052

Charlie: [Brightly] That's right! After that, you shall have all of the sandwiches and intercourse you desire! [Moves to exit the room, motioning for the party to follow her, chop chop!]

10.06.039

Austin : It is no wonder that you have been gaining so much weight recently.

10.06.046

Charlie: [Nods enthusiastically, trying to cuff Ram] Yes, isn't it thrilling? [To Clint and Dur] Give me a hand with this saucy game, would you?

10.06.040

Ram: But I know a shortcut to the sandwich shop! Us hungry students often need to get there quickly!

10.06.053

Clint: [Follows, amused.] And no cheating. It's all part of her twisted little game, see, and she takes her sex games very, very, seriously. Or so I've heard.

10.06.054


;;; Remember, we've already sneaked out a back exit!

Alice: Uh, do we know where the time machine is?

Ram: Mi Mknow!

10.06.030

Austin : [To Charlie] Lead the way Sarge!

10.06.029

[AUSTIN opens the back door slightly and the street is empty. The party creep out, only to spot RAM HA, standing a short distance away, holding a stack of burgers.]

Ram: Hi, friends!

10.06.055

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Red: Can you stare in the direction? --_50d2c85d-a782-4d05-8103-47e7e3014d75_

10.06.056

Clint: It's all part of the game, y'see. [Nods in Charlie's direction.] . Like the cucumber sandwiches and the floor mayonnaise.

10.06.031

Ram: Where are we going, gang? Mm! Who would like a tasty burger? Us students sure do eat a lot of burgers, don't we?

10.06.042

Alice: Yeesh! Does she ever think about anything else??

Ram: [Excited] Yes, yes! That's very studenty!

10.06.057

Ram: Mo, mi man't.

Alice: Is that because you're an idiot or because you're facing away?

Ram: Moath.

10.06.045

Ram: [Sits, but bounces up and down happily] I love being an underc- a student!

10.06.043

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Red: These should help. [Hands over some handcuffs from his police toolbelt.] =

--_9f6772ae-b70e-45ce-bcb1-ac026caf60e7_

10.06.041

Charlie: Oh, I know! Let's play a game first, to work up the appetite. [To Ram] You sit in this chair, and I will saucily bind your arms and legs to it.

10.06.034

Ram: Yes! [Holds up the burgers] I have snacks here! Mm-mm!

10.06.032

Charlie: [Nods emphatically] Oh, yes! I believe that can be traced to endocannabinoids activating cannabinoid receptors! Do run out and fetch us some cucumber sandwiches with the crusts cut off, and we will stay here and prepare to disrobe with wild abandon!

10.06.038

Charlie: Marvelous, I shall go and fetch them. [To Ram] You stay here and make sure no authority figures come to spoil our wild capering! Now, I will be carrying a LOT of sandwiches, so you come help. And you. You as well. . . . [points to each member of the party] .

10.06.058

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Red: [Tries to turn the chair but lacks the physical strength] Some help guys? Let's turn him by pi. [To Ram] We will turn you half a circle=2C can yo= u stare then? --_79848430-3a3d-41bd-85e9-ad0ca8ce19cc_

10.06.036

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10.06.035

Charlie: [Laughs] That isn't enough for Dur! We really must have much MUCH more.

10.06.033

Clint: [Translating for Ram's benefit.] . She means, she got the munchies and wants you to bring her some snacks so you can go streaking together.

10.06.027

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Red: [Grabs a flashlight and stands near the door] Indeed=2C move along people=2C nothing to see. =

--_85005adc-9fd6-4760-8b14-15fd311ddaff_

10.06.028

Austin : [Opens the door to check that the coast is clear] Okay, let's go!

10.06.029

Clint: [Nods and lead the way on out.] . To the burning building! [Looks around for such a place and, if he spots it, heads that way.]

10.06.059

[RAM nods, and the party turn him by 180 degrees.]

Alice: Should we have turned him the other way? You know, anti-clockwise?

[They turn him again.]

Alice: Okay, now he's facing back the way he was!

[Another turn. RAM is clearly quite dizzy, but nods towards a street.]

10.06.060

Charlie: [Hesitantly] Should we trust him? Alistair did give us directions, didn't he?

10.06.061

Alice: No! We sneaked out before he did. Let's at least check it out, I mean, what's the worst that could happen?

10.06.062

Austin : We could be captured, tortured and killed by HARMA?

10.06.063

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Red: If we convince them to reverse that order=2C it will be a lot better. And we can always try to no get caught . [Proudly] I have never been caught= by HARMA. --_42a4bc2b-322b-400f-94ca-4f0bf1386983_

10.06.064

Alice: What about the time you climbed up through the sewer system of a flying boat, got covered in all sorts of disgusting crap and found yourself surrounded by HARMA officers who were subsequently killed in a Tomatonado?


;;; That, of course, happened to the party BEFORE Red joined

10.06.065

Charlie: [Shudders] Oh, those horrid mimes! [To the party] Very well, we shall follow his directions, but let us be ready for a trap!

10.06.066

[The party advance in the direction indicated by RAM.]

Alice: Charlie is right, those HARMA guys are very sneaky, let's make sure we're on our toes. Oh look, maybe this guy can show us the way?

[Standing up ahead of the party is BORIS AHMAR, a man with an extremely unnerving smile.]

Boris: Hail, fellow 'dents!

10.06.067

Austin : [To Alice] Maybe we can just ask him to go away. He looks weird.

10.06.068

Clint: [Snorts.] Have you taken a good look at us and what we're wearing at the moment, lawyer? It's not like we're in any position to criticize!

10.06.069

Austin : Mr Scar, you look better now than you have done in years. Almost human.

10.06.070

Alice: Well, let's not go crazy, Aus -- it's not like anyone is going to mistake him for one... well, other than Dur.

Boris: Hey friends! Where's the fire? [Slightly crazy laugh] Ha ha ha!

10.06.071

Charlie: [Taken aback, laughs nervously] Oh, yes! Quite! [Looks around] Where IS the fire?!

10.06.072

Alice: Er, the Cucumber Sandwich Shop?

Boris: [Unnerving laugh] Ha ha ha. That is so typical of them. They constantly burn cucumber sandwiches. Let us put it out before they burn more.

10.06.073

Austin : We are not risking our lives to save a few sandwiches. Are there people trapped inside?

10.06.074

Alice: [To Austin] It's not the burning cucumber sandwiches that we're trying to save, it's the time machine!

10.06.075

Charlie: [To Boris] Do leave this dangerous work to the professionals! Just point us in the direction of the sandwich shop, and we shall be on our way!

10.06.076

Clint: But until the professionals show up, leave the dangerous work to us!

10.06.077

Boris: Of course! The sandwich shop is over there. [Points further away]


;;; Maikel is out today

Red: Someone must have lit it and ran away. You should find them. [Points back towards Ram] I think they went that-a-way.

Boris: Yes, I bet they did. [Makes no move]

10.06.078

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10.06.079

Boris: Ha. Ha. Ha. [Keeps smiling his scary smile]

10.06.080

Clint: [To Boris] Anyone ever tell you that your really, really creepy? Even by our standards!

10.06.081

Boris: All the time! Ha. Ha. Ha.

Alice: So, er, other than being really creepy, what are you?

Boris: My name is Boris Ahmar. My friend calls me 'oris. I am a student. I like not learning and eating deep friend cucumber sandwiches. Ha. Ha. Ha.

10.06.082

Charlie: I am sorry to say they might not be your friends! [Confidentially] 'oris is a positively horrid name.

10.06.083

Boris: Ha. Ha. Ha.

Alice: [To the party] Er, let's just get out of here!

10.06.084

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10.06.085

Austin : [Looks around to see if he can see fire or smoke anywhere. To Dur] I would not waste effort on him, he is too simple to follow even the most basic instructions.

10.06.086

Boris: Ha. Ha. Ha. It certainly seems that way.

[There is definitely some smoke coming from the direction indicated by 'ORIS.]

10.06.087

Austin : [To Boris] Your acting is excellent, you are a most convincing fool. [To the party] Let's get moving! [Heads off in the direction of the smoke]

10.06.088

[The party, accompanied by BORIS, round the corner and spot "Alfred's Cucumber and Amusing Shaped Vegetable Sandwich Shoppe", which is right beside a building which is completely engulfed in flames.]

Boris: Look, they have a cabbage shaped like Joe Nunpar's head. Ha. Ha.

Alice: And look! A starfruit shaped like a star! [Thinks] Hm, is a starfruit a fruit or a vegetable?

10.06.089

Charlie: [To the party, looking at the burning building skeptically] Does anyone see a way inside? Or some water to douse the fire with?!

10.06.090

Alice: Nothing! [To Boris] Do you have any water?

Boris: [Stares at Alice, still wearing his weird smile] No! Ha. Ha. Ha.

10.06.091

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Austin: [to boris] why are you following us?

--047d7bf0c0868fe5ba050793a6fa

10.06.091

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Red: I got more fire=2C yet I don't think we can fight this fire with fire.=

--_dc24fdb5-5399-4aa6-a740-5ff2abb5ba1e_

10.06.092

Boris: Ha. Ha. I like hanging out with the gang. Let us get some sambos. Deepfried cucumber. [Rubs his stomach] The food of rebels.

10.06.093

Charlie: [To the group, resigned] Perhaps we had better go back to the time machine we've used before! This one appears to be decidedly unusable!

10.06.094

Alice: Really, Charlie? A cucumber sandwich shop and you're just going to walk away?

10.06.095

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Red: Yes! Because... [Ponders for quite some time] Wait what was I talking about? O yeah=2C because with the time machine=2C the sandwiches will be ev= en fresher! --_862a1635-40d7-461d-828b-2549874221bc_

10.06.096

Alice: The time machine that's on fire?

Boris: Ha. Ha. Ha. You made a funny joke.

10.06.097

Charlie: [To Alice] Do be serious! We can take our sandwiches to go. [Commandingly] To the sandwichery!

10.06.098

Clint: Fine, but can we ditch the freak first?

10.06.099

Alice: Stinky! [Points to Dur] He's standing right there!

10.06.100

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Red: [Insulted] Indeed! [Gently smiling] I like your honesty=2C [frowns] But that is a bit mean after what we have been too. =

--_6e1b3688-a3a6-4662-be8c-79e9f34bcff2_

10.06.101

Alice: Uh.... [puzzled] Ha. Ha. Ha.

10.06.101

Austin : [Claps his hands] Burning time machine people! Let's go! Try to stay focused!

10.06.102

Charlie: [Looks at Austin and beams] Mr. Sleaze, I have never found you a more satisfying colleague! [To the party] You heard the man--let us douse this fire somehow!

10.06.103

Austin : All in a days work Sarge! [Looks around for a large water supply/hose. Looks in the building to see how bad the fire is]

10.06.104

[The building is completely ablaze, and there's no obvious water sources.]

Alice: Maybe the sandwich shop has some water?

10.06.105

Austin : Everyone search for a water supply! [Searches around the place]

10.06.106

Charlie: [Heads for the sandwich shop] Quickly, group! They must have some water here, to keep the cucumbers hydrated!

10.06.107

Alice: Yeesh, you just HAD to go to the Cucumber Sandwich Shop, didn't you?

[Exit ALL into the shop.]


;;; End of scene, next one coming right up

10.07.001

[Book X, Act X, Scene VII. The Cucumber Sandwich Shop. ALICE, AUSTIN, CHARLIE, CLINT, DUR, RED and BORIS have just charged in the door. The shop is very nicely laid out, with all sorts of impossibly delicate cucumber sandwiches placed around, as well as a shelf of amusing shaped vegetables. The proprietor, LESLEY WHITAKER-BUCKET, a well dressed man with a silver tray, stands inside the counter.]

Boris: Lesley! My old friend. [Smiles manically]

Lesley: It is pronounced Less-Lay.

10.07.002

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10.07.003

Charlie: [Quickly] He does not mean to be rude, but we have quite an urgent situation! We need water, and quickly! Chop chop!!


;;; Hooray, congrats!

10.07.004

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10.07.005

pell_List). If successful he doesn't look for any kind of container or anything but instead just lets it splash to the floor.]

Austin : [Surprised] You could have cast that onto the fire!

10.07.006

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10.07.007

Clint: Never mind that! [To Lesley] Take us to your liters.


;;; Congrats, Kevin. On an unrelated note, I have to head off to do

car stuff this morning,

;;; so am probably done for the day, alas.

10.07.008

Alice: [Gives Austin a disgusted look] And you call yourself a fireman?

[The water splashes onto the floor.]

Lesley: I say! What on earth are you doing? Place the water in a container. There are several on the shelf behind you!

[The shelf contains a display of tiny cups, each no bigger than a shot glass.]


;;; Excellent stuff, Kevin! Well done!

10.07.009

Austin : [To Lesley] Do you have a large and consistent water supply and a length of hose pipe?


;;;; happy days Kevin!

10.07.010

Lesley: I think you mean a Jose pipe, and yes, yes I do. What sort of attachment do you require at the end of the Jose?

10.07.011

Charlie: [Puzzled] Who is Jose? [Brightens] Oh, a servant lad, perhaps? Yes, do fetch him, and tell him to bring a hose!

10.07.012

Lesley: Oh, dear, I'm afraid I really have no idea what you are trying to say. Do enunciate clearly.

10.07.013

Austin : Please excuse her, her education was somewhat lacking. We would be most grateful if we could use an attachment that allowed us to control the rate of flow and permitted the flow to be focused, tightly.


;;; sigh :)

10.07.014

Lesley: Ah, of course, although I think you mean "flaw". [Produces a hose with a suspiciously small tip] Here you are, my good sir.


;;; All these damned cucumber sandwich shop owners are the same!

10.07.015

Charlie: [Grabs the hose and studies it skeptically. To Lesley] Right, is there anyone sensible working here?

10.07.016

Lesley: I'm sorry -- I really don't understand a word she's saying.

Alice: You do know that there's a raging fire next door, right?

Lesley: You mean a ragging fire? Yes, quite.

10.07.017

Austin : We are trying to put out the fire next door, could you show us where the kitchen or WC is please?

10.07.018

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Red: Aah=2C it seems this is a man of class=2C you need a special way to talk to them. [lifts up his pinky.] Or a garden "jose" [adds the gesture] =2C = firetruck=2C watertruck or gargantuan water balloon will also do. =3B=3B=3B Cheers Kevin! 3B=3B=3B Sorry for being late=2C ran a grimefighter today and that took hostage of my PC for a few hours. =

--_3ee2caec-d8b3-4398-8399-ebd875192cc5_

10.07.019

Lesley: If you want to put out the fire, why don't you just travel back in time and stop it when it is small?

10.07.020

Charlie: Travel back in time? In the time machine that is on fire, you mean?

10.07.021

Austin : Well it's not getting any less on fire whilst we stand here. No time like the present! Let's go.

10.07.022

TGFzdCBmcm9tIERvbSAjMjENCg0KPkF1c3RpbiA6IFdlbGwgaXQncyBub3QgZ2V0dGluZyBhbnkg bGVzcyBvbiBmaXJlIHdoaWxzdCB3ZSBzdGFuZCBoZXJlLiBObyB0aW1lIGxpa2UgdGhlIHByZXNl bnQhIExldCdzIGdvLg0KDQpEdXI6IEkgd2lsbCB0cnkgdG8gZmVuZCBvZmYgdGhlIGZsYW1lcyBh cyBiZXN0IEkgY2FuISBbR2V0cyByZWFkeSB0byBjYXN0IENSRUFURSBXQVRFUiBhcyBuZWVkZWRd DQo

10.07.023

Lesley: The time machine is not on fire. [Holds up his tray of sandwiches] Would any like a cucumber sandwich with the crusts cut off?

10.07.024

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Red: I'd love one [grabs a sandwich] . Would you also have a secret door to the time machine? If possible one that is not on fire. =

--_144c396f-6acd-4f28-a5a6-0a0ced84f756_

10.07.025

Austin : why thank you. [Takes a sandwhich] Heros like us rarely get time to eat! [Delicately nibbles his sandwhich]

10.07.026

Lesley: No, we do not have a secret door.

Alice: [Takes a sandwich and swallows it whole] But you do have a time machine? [Looks startled] Oh my GOD! That's the best god damned sandwich I've ever eaten! I think I just peed myself a little!

Lesley: We get that a lot.

Boris: Ha. Ha. Ha. Where is the time machine, loser? My 'dent buds and I want one.

10.07.027

Clint: Just a sec. We need to lose that guy in the worst way. [Goes to bop Boris upside the head.]

10.07.028

[CLINT smacks BORIS hard with the hilt of his sword.]

Boris: [With blood dripping down from the top of his head] Ow. That really hurt. Ha. Ha. Ha.

Lesley: Perhaps I could interest sirs or madams in a ham mere?

10.07.029

Charlie: Just the time machine, please! [Tries to enunciate as crazily as possible] I mean the tim match-in-ay, that is.

10.07.030

Lesley: My fear is that this obvious HARMA agent will immediately try to steal the tim match-in-ay. Are you sure madam won't like a ham mere? To ham mere him on the head?

10.07.031

Austin : Yes she would like a ham mere to ham mere him on the head!

10.07.032

[In a flash, LESLEY produces a silver tray with a large hammer on it.]

Boris: You won't do that. It could kill me. [Smiles] Ha. Ha. Ha.

10.07.033

Austin : [To Charlie] He is correct, it could take a few hits. Let me know if you get tired.

10.07.034

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Red: I don't know what your burning desires are=2C but I desire to enter the burning building without dieing. And that is getting harder by the second= . [Grabs all the usefull items and looks around for a hose=2C jose or cluewhere to find one.] 3B=3B=3B I'm out=2C dinner at friends time! --_95fcde45-0406-4052-8e3b-b912b44e8bb6_

10.07.035

Last room Conor #34

Clint: C'mon, Sarge, it's banner time ! [Bops Boris again, on general principle.]

10.07.036

Boris: Ow! Ha. Ha. I think I have a concussion. Ha. Ha. Ha.

10.07.037

Charlie: [To Clint] One more time, for good measure?

10.07.038

Clint: Don't mind if I do! [Obliges, and with great enthusiasm.]

10.07.037

Austin : [To Charlie] Sorry Sarge, you are taking far too long [Takes the hammer and hammers Boris unconscious if he can]

10.07.038

[Crack! BORIS is knocked unconscious.]

Alice: Hurrah! Now, quickly, where's the time machine?

Lesley: I bet your pardon?

Alice: The tee-am mack hine?

Lesley: I really have no idea what you are talking about. [Holds up a tray of sandwiches] Sandwich?

10.07.039

Austin : Could you show us where the time machine is please?

10.07.039

Austin : Could you show us to the time machine please? [Nibbles at another sandwich]

10.07.040

Lesley: Certainly! It is really rather spectacular! It is in the next room.

[BORIS suddenly wakes.]

Boris: I think I am very badly injured. [Smiles crazily] Ha. Ha. Haaaaa. [Falls unconscious]


;;; And there we will break for TWO weeks!

10.07.040

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3B=3B=3B Aw :<=2C see you all in two weeks! --_95d8dc6d-9d7e-44a9-837e-e8efa97b5b06_

10.07.042

Lesley: [Dramatically throwing open some double doors] Behold! The Tee-am mack hine!

Alice: [Disappointed] The time machine is a sheet?

Lesley: No, it's underneath the sheet!

10.07.043

Austin : [Carefully pulls the sheet off and passes it to Alice] Ta-da!


;;; hope you all survived thanksgiving! For some reason we just do

black Friday with no thanksgiving ...

10.07.044

Charlie: [Excited] At last! [Watches to see the time machine appear]


;;; That's how it is in Ireland, too! But, being a half-American household, we

;;; had the family over and ate ourselves into comas anyway!

10.07.045

[In the middle of the room stands the gleaming Time Machine. It appears to be a child's tricycle.]

Alice: I think it looked better with the sheet on it!

10.07.046

Austin : [Looking uneasy and a little nervous] How does it work?

10.07.047

Lesley: Get it up to 8.8 mph and it will do the time jump.

Alice: I'm sorry, but that's the stupidest looking time machine I've ever seen.

Lesley: Really? [Leans over and rings the bell] Still think it's looks stupid?

10.07.048

Charlie: [Awkwardly sits on the tricycle seat] How does one work the pedals? [Tries to use her knees on the pedals]

10.07.049

Alice: No no no! You sit facing the other way!

10.07.050

Austin : I think we will all need to get on it at the same time and reach 8.8 mph! I hope it doesn't break it!

10.07.051

Alice: Will it really be able to got that fast?

Lesley: Of course! Look! It has go faster tassels on the side!

10.07.052

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10.07.053

Alice: [Stands on one of the bars at the back] Go! Go! Go!

10.07.054

Austin : [Stands on another bar at the back] Wait for everyone to get on!

10.07.055

Charlie: [Tortuously trying to move the pedals] And do hurry! I shall have us going at a blinding speed momentarily!

10.07.056

TGFzdCBmcm9tIEhlYXRoZXIgIzU1DQoNCj5DaGFybGllOiBbVG9ydHVvdXNseSB0cnlpbmcgdG8g bW92ZSB0aGUgcGVkYWxzXSBBbmQgZG8gaHVycnkhICBJIHNoYWxsIGhhdmUgdXMgZ29pbmcgYXQg YSBibGluZGluZyBzcGVlZCBtb21lbnRhcmlseSENCg0KRHVyOiBbQ2xpbWJzIGFib2FyZF0gSG93 IGV4aGlsYXJhdGluZyEgUHVtcCB0aG9zZSBsZWdzIGdpcmwhIA0K

10.07.057

[Cree-eaaak! The tricycle moves on about a foot.]

Alice: Are we travelling in time yet?

10.07.058

Charlie: Group, I think we must face the possibility that this is not, in fact, a time machine!

10.07.059

Clint: How 'bout if the lightest person here hops on and the rest of us keep one foot on the "time machine" and push? Or maybe this is just not a time machine.

10.07.060

Alice: Sh! Sh! Everybody be quiet -- something has just dawned on me. Maybe, just maybe... this is, in actual fact, not a time machine!

10.07.061

Clint: Now what would give you a crazy idea like that, Bimbo?

10.07.062

Austin : [Looks doubtfully at the tricycle] It's not that crazy! How on earth would you get this to 8.8mph?

10.07.063

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Red: [Smiles slightly creepy] Rocket power.... or a ramp or downhill slope=2C but rocket power! [Takes a seat on the wheel] =

--_bd09f8f8-6c94-4bc5-add7-6df3c3801ce0_

10.07.064

Alice: If only we could find some sort of coyote who's trying to catch a Road Runner!

10.07.065

Austin : [To Lesley] Where is the real time machine?

10.07.066

Charlie: Indeed, where?! And no more of your silly pranks!

10.07.067

Lesley: This IS the time machine! Surely you can find a way to make it go fast?

10.07.068

Austin : Well, we could all push with one foot each. [Looks to see if the others are pushing with one foot] Come along now group, put some effort into it!

10.07.069

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10.07.070

Charlie: [Joins in pushing] Well done, team! We shall have it going in no time!

10.07.071

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Red: [Holds the steering wheel and runs on the front tire like a treadmill] This is less comfortable than I imagined a time machine to be. Isn't there= a thyme machine or something that travels in time? --_28d95dfe-cc88-4c73-b73d-04e1a51592b0_

10.07.072

Alice: It's working! It's working!

[Crash! The time machine smashes into the wall.]

Alice: Did it work?

10.07.073

Clint: No. What we need is a hill. Are there any around here?

10.07.074

Lesley: Yes! The Very Steep Hill is quite close.

10.07.075

Charlie: Splendid! [To Clint] Carry the time machine to the hill, Mr. Scar! We shall let gravity do the work for us!

10.07.076

Clint: Hell, it's not like letting something else do the work for us isn't our normal m.o. anyway! [Picks up the trike of time.]

10.07.077

[CLINT pushes the door open. The shoppe is at the bottom of very, very steep hill.]

Alice: Yikes! Maybe we should just tie Stinky to the front??

10.07.078

Clint: [Looks up at the very steep hill with great distaste.] Well, at least it will get us going fast enough! [Starts climbing.]

10.07.079

[Almost immediately the party spot a bunch of HARMA officers, lead by none other than JOE NUNPAR. The party duck and hide behind the time machine.]

Alice: What are we going to do?

10.07.080

Charlie: We must keep moving to the top of the hill! Going through time will allow us to escape!

10.07.081

Alice: She's right -- these guys are idiots, they'll never spot us. Come on!

[Almost immediately, one of the HARMA officers spots the party.]

Officer: Hey! There they are!

10.07.082

Charlie: [Gasps] They've stepped up their hiring practices! [To the party] Hurry! Up the hill!

10.07.083

Alice: I don't know, Charlie! We have to get past them!

[The HARMA officers are heading towards the party.]

Alice: Let's dive into another shop!

10.07.084

Charlie: Curses! [Quickly heads into the nearest shop]


;;; Sorry, Conor! I thought there were behind us.

10.07.084

Austin : [Sighs, looks around for a quick get away, or a slope to go down] If only there was a unicorn shop!

10.07.084

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Alice: How about this pet shop? [Points to Pete's Pet Place]

--f46d0435c068ee210d05094f95d8

10.07.085

Austin : That will do I suppose [Heads to the pet shop]


;;; assuming Charlie is going there too?

10.07.087

Charlie: [Eagerly follows Austin in the pet shop, excited] How wonderful! Oh, I do hope they have kittens!

10.07.088

[The shop is crammed full of the most adorable kittens ever.]

10.07.089

Austin : Quickly, release the kittens between us and HARMA! [Starts releasing the kitten wall of protection]

10.07.090

Charlie: Good idea, Mr. Sleaze! Not even those heartless HARMA agents can resist adorable kittens! [Releases one kitten, cuddles it lovingly, and squeals] Oh, aren't you the sweetest little thing?!

10.07.091

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10.07.092

Austin : [To Dur] Just don't try to eat them! [Looks for a back way out]

10.07.093

Last from Dom 92

Alice: Before you go too far with the kitten wall, look at all these cat leashes! I think I just had a brilliant idea!=

10.07.094

Charlie: If it involves getting kittens to wear leashes, I have news for you--they do NOT like wearing leashes!

10.07.095

Austin : I think that might be the brilliant idea! But do we have time?

10.07.096

Alice: Wow, Charlie! You're a genius! I was going to suggest something completely different -- but I'm not sure they have enough frogs.

10.07.097

Charlie: [Urgently] Well, whatever the plan, it must be executed quickly! Hurry, group! Harness these little darlings to the time machine!

10.07.098

Austin : [Does a double take at Charlie] Do you think they will be able to reach 8.8 mph? [Shrugs. Puts on some kitten protection gauntlets and starts harnessing kittens to the tricycle]

10.07.099

Alice: Don't be so ridic, Aus! They are adorable, they won't hurt a fly! [bends down to pick up one and is immediately savaged] Ow!

10.07.100

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Red: If we can channel that ferocity into speed than this should be easy! [exchanges a death stare with a killer kitty=2C which changes in a full blow= n staring contest including hisses from both sides.]

--_17ef1d27-2c2a-4ae1-b4ee-dcfa2ace4701_

10.07.101

Alice: I can't get the collar around the really weird looking one! [Points at Red's much-larger-than-cat's neck]

10.07.102

Clint: [Harnessing away madly] . We'll need that one on the time machine with us, Bimbo.

10.07.103

Alice: Ta-da! [Proudly shows that she has a leash securely fastened to the time machine]

[An interior door opens. Enter PETE PAYT, an irate looking man with a cat.]

Pete: Hey! What are you doing with my kitties?

10.07.104

Clint: [Nonchalantly.] We're hooking them up to this time machine before HARMA manages to get here and confiscate them all, obviously! [More threateningly.] You got a problem with that?

10.07.105

Charlie: [Reassuringly] Not to worry, we shall bring them back unharmed. We simply ADORE kittens, I assure you!

10.07.106

Charlie: [To Pete, urgently] We are trying to save them by taking them on a journey [dramatically] through time!

10.07.107

Pete: [Starts putting some leashes on the cats] My kitty cats are highly trained! This will make it easier to get them leashed up!=

10.07.108

Austin : [Putting on more leashes] Can you get them to pull us on the time machine once they are all leashed? We need to reach 8.8 mph to save the world!

10.07.109

Pete: Can I? Does a Kinkalow like strawberries?

10.07.110

Austin : Well, let's hope they do otherwise the world will end shortly [Smiles kindly at Pete]

10.07.111

Pete: Well, they do! They love those things! They'd eat them all the time if they had the chance! I could show you if you'd like!

10.07.112

Charlie: [Quickly] We have no time just now, but we shall be back to learn more!

10.07.113

Austin : Are we ready? [Looks at the kitten powered time-machine] All aboard!

10.07.114

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Red: [Still staring to the kitty=2C which is now wearing a collar. Both sitting on command.] Almost done here=2C I feel I almost won! [Sneezes and bli= nkes] Or.... I had to sneeze. [To the cat] You win this round=2C but I willbe back! [Hops on the trime machine.] 3B=3B=3B trike machine? not sure how to make it a witty name :p =

--_10b0028e-52bb-4612-a996-1942d9f8bcdc_

10.07.115

s] Or.... I had to sneeze. [To the cat] You win this round, but I will be back! [Hops on thetrime machine.]

Dur: [Frowning] Your failure to defeat a fluffy kitten does not bode well for our mission.

10.07.116

Alice: [Bleeding from several places] Yeah, beaten by a kitty! Pff!

10.07.117

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Red: This kitty was trained to purrrfection! Next time I'll bring a cat-apult. Let us continue on evading a cat-tastrophy=2C let's leave right meow! =

--_c8890f55-3aeb-4d47-a4bc-5a3f696ea05e_

10.07.118

Charlie: [Giggles] Oh, quite! If Joe Nunpar catches us, he will be in-FURR-iated! [Laughs hysterically at her own lame joke]

10.07.119

Alice: Oh! Oh! [Struggling to keep from laughing] And we've got some kit-tens! [Looks confused] Hm.

Pete: Let's go! I don't HARMA getting near here. The very thought of it is making kit-tens.

Alice: Hey! That was my joke!

Pete: Was it?

Alice: No...

[Exit the party through the back door.]


;;; End of scene, next one coming right up!

10.08.001

[Book IX, Act X, Scene VIII. A Back Alley. ALICE, AUSTIN, CHARLIE, CLINT, DUR, RED and PETE are here, along with lots of cats and the time machine. The alleyway is barely nine kittens across.]

Alice: It's barely big enough to swing a cat in!

Pete: Why would you want to do that?

Alice: I don't know!

Pete: Do you swing cats?

Alice: Hardly ever!

10.08.002

Charlie: [To Pete] You brute! You are not fit to scoop their litter trays! [More pleasantly] Also, er, thank you for the loan of these little darlings!

10.08.004

Austin : Lets get this show on the road! [To Pete] Can you get them to tow us to 8.8 mph?

10.08.005

Pete: Hey! [Points at Alice] She's the one who's a cat swinger, not me!

Alice: Come on, that's not what I meant at all! I'm really more of a cat spinner than a spinner.

[PETE gasps in horror.]

Alice: Oh please! Who here hasn't spun the occasional cat!

10.08.006

Charlie: [To Pete] Oh, I do apologize! Given how deeply cats seem to hate Alice [nods to her savage scratch-marks] , I naturally assumed no cat would let her get close enough to swing--or spin!--it!

10.08.007

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Red: The little fur balls are quite the catversary=2C they should be safe. First=2C let's find out what the ratio is between equine en feline power. [= Jumps on the trick again and prepares to spur them once all are aboard (or when Red is a-bored). =

--_ddb0a7e5-fe02-41d0-b219-4f328c23cdfe_

10.08.008

Clint: I just hope we've got enough of these stupid kittens to get us going fast enough. [Stands with one foot on the trike so he can help push.]

10.08.009

[Everyone gets on the trike, including PETE.]

Pete: Fly, my pretties! Fly!

[The kittens, unfortunately, do not fly.]

10.08.010

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Red: [Sees the furballs not move a paw] Run kitties! [Adds dramatic effect=2C B-movie worthy] RUUUuuuuuuuUUUuun! 3B=3B=3B Think mister Cage with "Not the bees" kind of enthusiasms =

--_44c4df92-fb9f-4144-b587-cfa569bd4e26_

10.08.011

Charlie: [Joins Red enthusiastically] Hurry, little darlings! You shall have delicious treats afterward!

10.08.012

Austin : [Grabs a ball of catnip *if he can* and fastens it to a string on a stick to wave in front of the kittens to get them to tow the trike in the right direction ...] Quickly!

10.08.013

[The kittens start to snarl and charge after the trike.]

Alice: Hurray! It's going to work! What's the speed? [Looks at the speedometer which reads "4mph"]

10.08.014

Charlie: [Ponders] We must sweeten the incentive! [To Dur] Surely you have a fish or a hunk of raw meat somewhere in your knapsack?

10.08.015

Alice: That'll never work -- he'll never give it to them! Here, Aus, put this sparkly piece of thread on the line! [Hands some thread to Austin]

[The speed increases to 5mph]

10.08.016

Charlie: [Excited] It's working! Here, let us add this little bell, to excite their interest! [Ties a small jingle bell to the sparkly thread]

10.08.017

TGFzdCBmcm9tIEhlYXRoZXIgIzE2DQoNCj5DaGFybGllOiBbRXhjaXRlZF0gSXQncyB3b3JraW5n ISAgSGVyZSwgbGV0IHVzIGFkZCB0aGlzIGxpdHRsZSBiZWxsLCB0byBleGNpdGUgdGhlaXIgaW50 ZXJlc3QhICBbVGllcyBhIHNtYWxsIGppbmdsZSBiZWxsIHRvIHRoZSBzcGFya2x5IHRocmVhZF0N Cg0KRHVyOiBQZXJoYXBzIGZlYXIgaXMgYSBtb3JlIHBvd2VyZnVsIG1vdGl2YXRvcj8gSSBzYXkg dGhlcmUgdGlueSBmbHVmZnkgYmVhc3RzISBJIGhhdmUgYmVlbiBjb25zaWRlcmluZyBleHBhbmRp bmcgbXkgbWVkaWNhbCBleHBlcnRpc2UgdG8gaW5jbHVkZSB0aGUgdmV0ZXJpbmFyaWFuIGFydHMh IFBlcmhhcHMgc3VyZ2VyeSB0byBncmFmdCBvbiB0aGUgbGVncyBvbiBsYXJnZXIgY2F0cyB3aWxs IGhlbHAgeW91IHRvIHJ1biBmYXN0ZXIhDQo

10.08.018

Clint: Or maybe it's pain we need! Bimbo, I'm going to need a whip or a riding crop or something, and something tells me you have one handy...

10.08.019

[Between CHARLIE's bell and DUR's threatened surgery, the kittens increase their speed to a mind numbing 7.6mph.]

Alice: Great idea, Stinky! [Produces a whip and cracks it off Clint's rear] Mush!

[Bizarrely, the speed increases to 7.8mph.]

10.08.020

Austin : Perhaps we could be more streamlined! [Swiftly gels his hair back and ducks in behind Alice]

10.08.021

Alice: Don't be so ridic!

[7.9mph!]

Alice: Gah!

10.08.022

TGFzdCBmcm9tIENvbm9yICMyMQ0KDQo+QWxpY2U6IERvbid0IGJlIHNvIHJpZGljIQ0KPg0KPiAg ICAgICAgWzcuOW1waCFdDQo+DQo+QWxpY2U6IEdhaCENCg0KRHVyOiBQZXJoYXBzIGlmIHdlIGFs bCBwYXNzIGdhcyBpbiBhIHVuaWZpZWQgZm9ybWF0aW9uIHdlIGNhbiBpbmNyZWFzZSBvdXIgc3Bl ZWQgYXMgd2VsbD8hIFtGYXJ0cyBub2lzaWx5XQ0K

10.08.023

Austin : [Spraying Dur with a very expensive 'eau de parfum'] That is a step too far Mr Dur! Try to loose some excess weight! [Throws his kitty gauntlets aside]

10.08.023

Charlie: [Relieved] Indeed, there is no need for flatulence! [To Alice] Quickly, throw your make-up and boy band magazines overboard!

10.08.024

TGFzdCBmcm9tIEhlYXRoZXIgIzIzDQoNCj5DaGFybGllOiBbUmVsaWV2ZWRdIEluZGVlZCwgdGhl cmUgaXMgbm8gbmVlZCBmb3IgZmxhdHVsZW5jZSEgIFtUbyBBbGljZV0gUXVpY2tseSwgdGhyb3cg eW91ciBtYWtlLXVwIGFuZCBib3kgYmFuZCBtYWdhemluZXMgb3ZlcmJvYXJkIQ0KDQpEdXI6IFdl bGwgaWYgeW91IHRob3VnaHQgdGhhdCB3YXMgdG9vIGZhciwgeW91J3JlIGdvaW5nIHRvIGxvdmUg dGhpcyEgW0Rpc3JvYmVzIGFuZCB0aHJvd3MgaGlzIGFjY2VzcyBjbG90aGluZyBvZmYgdGhlIHJp Z10NCg

10.08.025

Clint: Doc, I'm warning you, don't make me throw *you* overboard! [Casts about for extra weight.]

10.08.026

[The weight of DUR's clothes seem to have negligible impact on speed, but the fear instilled in the kittens by close proximity to a naked, flatulent DUR is substantial. 8.2mph.]

Alice: Almost there! And we didn't even have to ditch my hair care products!

10.08.027

Charlie: [To Alice, urgently] Well, [finger quotes] ditch them now! [To Austin] And you, Mr. Sleaze! Surely you can drop an overpriced beauty product or two, for the cause? Naturally, you cannot expect me to drop any of my irreplaceable notes or rare books, and I seriously doubt the others have any possessions to discard, being from the lower classes.

10.08.028

Alice: That's a great idea, Charlie! Let's get rid of some of smelly old books? How about the one about the dinosaur with an unusually large vocabulary?

10.08.028

Austin : On the contrary, I expect you to ditch all of your scribbles! They weigh far more than your brain! [With tears in his eyes, throws his 'eau de parfum', a silver plated nail file and a silk hair net over board] We must all make sacrifices, Sarge!

10.08.029

Charlie: [Wretched] But, but--how can one choose? [Looks at her books unhappily before gently placing a well-worn Compendium of Demonology on the ground, wailing] And I only have two more copies at home! [Brightens and gleefully tosses a thick book of poetry by Jordan, as well] Oh, how splendid! I must have picked up one of Pestilence's books by mistake!

10.08.030

Austin : [Giggles] A likely story! [Remembers something and blushes and deftly throws a book away] Don't need that awful scrawl!

10.08.031

Alice: [To Charlie] Hey! That was mine! [To the party] Well, that counts as something I threw away!

[The party spot a mean looking dog on the side of the street.]

10.08.032

TGFzdCBmcm9tIENvbm9yICMzMQ0KDQo+QWxpY2U6IFtUbyBDaGFybGllXSBIZXkhIFRoYXQgd2Fz IG1pbmUhIFtUbyB0aGUgcGFydHldIFdlbGwsIHRoYXQgY291bnRzIGFzIHNvbWV0aGluZyBJIHRo cmV3IGF3YXkhDQo+DQo+ICAgICAgW1RoZSBwYXJ0eSBzcG90IGEgbWVhbiBsb29raW5nIGRvZyBv biB0aGUgc2lkZSBvZiB0aGUgc3RyZWV0Ll0NCg0KRHVyOiBBaGEhIEkgc2F5LCBhIG5hdHVyYWwg cHJlZGF0b3Igb2YgZmx1ZmZ5IGtpdHRlbnMgbXVzdCBzdXJlbHkgbWFrZSB0aGVzZSBiZWFzdHMg b2YgYnVyZGVuIG1vdmUgdGhlaXIgYXJzZXMuIFtXaGlzdGxlcyB0byB0aGUgZG9nIGFuZCBkcm9w cyBiaXRzIG9mIHdoYXQgdXNlZCB0byBiZSBzYW5kd2ljaCBmb3IgaXQuXQ0K

10.08.033

Alice: Great idea, Dur! You're a genius!

[The dog races out, eats the bits of sandwich and immediately drops dead.]

10.08.034

Austin : [Deadpan] It takes one to know one! [Looks in horror at the dead dog] Remind me never to touch one of your sandwiches.

10.08.035

TGFzdCBmcm9tIERvbSAjMzQNCg0KPkF1c3RpbiA6IFtEZWFkcGFuXSBJdCB0YWtlcyBvbmUgdG8g a25vdyBvbmUhIFtMb29rcyBpbiBob3Jyb3IgYXQgdGhlIGRlYWQgZG9nXSBSZW1pbmQgbWUgbmV2 ZXIgdG8gdG91Y2ggb25lIG9mIHlvdXIgc2FuZHdpY2hlcy4NCg0KRHVyOiBEb24ndCBiZSBhYnN1 cmQhIEFzIGlmIEkgd291bGQgZXZlciBhbGxvdyB0aGF0IHRvIGJlZ2luIHdpdGghIFtHcmVlZGls eSB0YWtlcyBhIGJpdGUgb2YgaGlzIGxlZnQtb3ZlcnNdDQo

10.08.036

Austin : Perhaps some lubrication will speed us up! [Applies some lubrication to the axles if he can]


;;;; I assume Aus carries some lube for his nocturnal activities? :)

;;;; for locks and door hinges! Filthy minded pervs!

10.08.037

[8.3mph!]

Alice: Look! That dog had some friends -- and they're not happy! [Several more dogs appear, tough looking dogs, wearing leather jackets and smoking cigarettes.]


;;; Yes, but what does he do once he's inside there? Filthy perv!

10.08.038

Charlie: [Calls to the dogs mockingly] That's right! We gang of cat-lovers poisoned your slobbering, malodorous friend! What do you plan to do about it?!

10.08.039

Content-Type: text/plain; charset="iso-8859-1" Content-Transfer-Encoding: quoted-printable

Red: [looks at Charlie] Disappear? [Casts a spell] --_ae2e76ba-e19e-42c0-8f5b-7761600ecdc3_

10.08.040

[The dogs charge after the party just as a pool of grease appears beneath the trike, causing the dogs to slip 'n slide. The kittens, now panicked, pick up speed. 8.7mph and rising.]

Alice: Hurrah! We're going to make it! I knew my lucky breeze block would help us out!

10.08.042

Austin : [Shouting to be heard above the wind] Lucky breeze block? What lucky breeze block?


;;; awa hame

10.08.043

Alice: This one! [Holds it up]

[Alas, it slips off, just as RED starts to clamber over party members to get to the back of the trike.]

Alice: Oh no!

[Enter JOE NUNPAR, walking across the street. He spots dead, trapped like a deer in the headlights.]

Joe: Noooooo!

10.08.044

Charlie: [Urgently, to the kittens] Hurry, darlings! You shall have all the tuna you can eat if you just hurry!

10.08.045

Austin : Joe Nunpar is made of tuna?


;;;afk a lot today

10.08.046

Alice: I always knew there was something fishy about him!

[The kittens speed up -- 8.8mph!]

Joe: Nooooo!

10.08.047

TGFzdCBmcm9tIENvbm9yICM0Ng0KDQo+QWxpY2U6IEkgYWx3YXlzIGtuZXcgdGhlcmUgd2FzIHNv bWV0aGluZyBmaXNoeSBhYm91dCBoaW0hDQo+DQo+ICAgICAgW1RoZSBraXR0ZW5zIHNwZWVkIHVw IC0tIDguOG1waCFdDQo+DQo+Sm9lOiBOb29vb28hDQoNCkR1cjogSSBzYXkhIFdoYXQgZG8gd2Ug ZG8gbm93Pw0K

10.08.048

Austin : So long sucker! [Blows a raspberry at Joe]

10.08.049

Joe: Nooooooooo --

[Electricity crackles all over the trike and it and the party disappear, inches from JOE.]

Joe: -- oooooooooooo --

[Enter RAM HA.]

Ram: Colonel Nunpar! What are you doing?

Joe: -- oooooo. [Stops] Uh, nothing. Nothing at all.

Ram: Did you pee yourself?

Joe: A little.


;;;; End of Book IX, Act X. Next one coming up tomorrow!