05.01.001

[Book VIII, Act IX, Scene VII. Upstairs at HARMA. ALICE, AUSTIN, CHARLIE, CLINT, DUR, HARVEY and SEBASTIAN are here, slowly heading up the stairs.]

Alice: [To Austin, lowly] Because she's awful, just awful, that's why. And Aus, it could be worse. You could have to put up with morons like you!
07.01.002

Charlie: [Looks around disapprovingly] Indeed, being surrounded by so many images of you is most off-putting, though at least you are sensibly dressed!

07.01.003

Jordan: It's not that bad really, apart from his obvious unhealthy obsession with Alice. Just like a stalker fanboy. [Laughs] Alice has a groupie!

07.01.005

Charlie: [Nods] Indeed, god-figures seem attracted to you, rather peculiarly! [Muses] I wonder why?

07.01.006

Jordan: Maybe they just like the idea of her being The Mother of their babies

07.01.007

07.01.008

Jordan: I think the more important question is, what is the risk of saying no to a marriage proposal from a God who has no apparent respect for the rules of the balance?

07.01.008

Clint: Well, on the plus side, you could use your influence as his wife to help him preserve the balance! On the down side, it's pretty creepy!

07.01.009

Charlie: Perhaps you could compromise and suggest a long engagement? That would still give you considerable influence over Jerome, no?

07.01.010

Clint: On the other hand, if Alice gets into any more trouble, just think what Jerry would do!

07.01.012

Charlie: Well, you wouldn't actually get married, you see. It would be an engagement that would go on as long as it suits us, at which point you could give Dr. Trindle the old "It's not you, it's me" bit.

07.01.013

Clint: [Looks around the stalker bunker.] I dunno, Sarge. I think Jerry's the kind of guy who has trouble letting go!

07.01.014

Austin : Why not go for something a little exotic? In Viet-nom-nom I believe that they get married, but the vows only last for a year and a day. After that the couple can renew the vows if they like, or go their own separate ways. [Gets out some paper] A brilliant idea, don't you think? [Starts writing] I'll draw up the contracts.

07.01.016

Austin : [Ponders] How about just one day? Then you can renew your vows the day after? [Shrugs] I suppose you could even just do a night?

07.01.017

Jordan: [With a snap of his fingers] Or how about this! Tell him yes to marrying him, but right now you don't have time for the wedding itself because of all the stuff going on. But tell him that if he does one more thing that results in an upset to the balance, direct or indirect, causing a mess that you are personally part of the team for cleaning up, still engaged or actually married, the entire relationship is over. [Turns to Austin] Think that makes a good get out clause for any contract you could right in order to protect her?


;;; In and out today guys. Replies sporadic.

;;; Conor play Jordan if need be if I'm non-responsive

;;; for too long and you need to get things moving.

07.01.018

Alice: Delaying it sounds good, but signing a contract? Really? Do you think God will sign a contract for us?

07.01.019

Charlie: There is no need for that. Just put on modest airs and claim that you are too innocent and tender to think of marriage just yet, but [vaguely, affecting a crazy, starry-eyed look] someday. . . ! He has made you into a prim and proper lady, so take advantage of that! [Wisely] The courtship dance is a time-honored tradition! Keep them on the hook as long as possible and all that.

07.01.020

Alice: That does sound a lot more romantic than "if you really love me you'll give my friend a blow job". [Thinks] But what do we tell him we're doing? Looking for the prophecy?

07.01.021

Jordan: Normally I'd say be honest, but I'm worried he would try to help us and send things further out of whack.

07.01.022

Charlie: [Excited] What a wonderful idea! Tell him you would like a copy of the prophecy, as a little token of his affection for you! Let him kiss your hand in return. Well-bred men go mad for that sort of thing!

07.01.023

Austin : [Making notes furiously] So you are going to agree to marry him, but set the Wedding date for a few years time - two years? [Looks disappointed] That's a long wait for your wedding shower, dress fitting and choosing flowers, shoes! Oh and the cake, and I know a brilliant dress maker, you'll just love her work!

07.01.024

Jordan: You're assuming she actually intends to go through with the wedding Aus. I thought the idea was to make Trindle think she was intending to, but not actually do it. Just make it an engagement to last a lifetime.


;;; Out for about 2 hours.

07.01.025

Austin : [Frowns at Jordan] It won't be very convincing unless we spend at least three months shopping for dresses.

07.01.026

Alice: Yeah, it's not like I have a collection of dresses already set aside that I can pick from. [Looks wistfully into the distance]

07.01.027

Austin : Indeed! And shoes. you will need shoes, several pairs I don't doubt. [Makes notes] And of course the rings. Engagement ring and shopping for a wedding ring. I know some excellent places, [blushes] Although you may have to appraise some of them without my delightful presence.

07.01.028

Alice: Or maybe you could come in with me and help [finger quotes] me choose. I mean, me [finger quotes] choose. Is there anything else I should ask Jerome? You know, as an engagement present?

07.01.029

Jerome? You know, as an engagement present?

Dur: [Thinking, obviously straining himself in doing so] You could ask for a pony?

07.01.030

Alice: [Pained] Surely you already had enough to eat!

07.01.031

Charlie: Other than asking for the Prophecy, you might also suggest that he help us in avoiding Will, rather than continuing to fight against her, to help keep the balance.

07.01.032

Alice: Maybe we could get him to create some doppelgangers of us that she could go after?

07.01.033

Austin : [Chuckles] An admirable idea Alice, but with one fatal flaw. I doubt that even a god could recreate a faithful double of one as beautiful as I. Perhaps he could simply do the rest of the party.

07.01.034

Clint: Looking at what Jerry's done to the place, I think the less you ask of him, the better! Can't we just stick for asking him to keep out of it?

07.01.035

Alice: What are you afraid of Clint? That he'll clean you up?

07.01.036

Clint: [Shrugs.] If he does try, won't he just send everything even more out of balance and make an even bigger mess?

07.01.037

Jordan: I believe that was the exact point I made not 5 minutes ago.

07.01.038

Alice: Good for you, Jordie.

[Enter JEROME, looking quite nervous.]

Jerome: Have you had chance to think about it?

Alice: Yes!

Jerome: And?

Alice: Yes!

Jerome: Dr. Jerome K. Trindle, BSc, PhD, GOD, is rather pleased.

Alice: But...

[JEROME looks less pleased.]

Alice: Er, um, the others will explain... [to the party] right? Long engagement? Dopplegangers? Donkey for Dur to eat?

07.01.039

Charlie: [To Jerome] As Miss Alice's chaperone, I shall speak for her. She is quite pleased to enter into a lengthy pre-pre-engagement period with you, as it befitting a modest lady like herself. And, of course, she would not say no to a pre-pre-engagement gift or three. I have some appropriate suggestions, should you be interested. . . .

07.01.040

Jerome: Great! I was hoping maybe for a blowjob, some candy and book on relativity, but if she has ideas of other things to give me, that would be gear.

07.01.041

Charlie: [Rushes to cover Alice's ears] You brute! You should not say such things in front of a gentle lady. It is YOU who should give the pre-pre-engagement gift. [Whispers] I know that Alice would just LOVE a copy of the prophecy, for instance. Oh, and duplicate copies of the entire party. And a donkey.

07.01.042

Austin : [Anoyed] The Ri-ing! An engagement ring!

07.01.043

Jerome: [A little flustered] Oh, er, right, of course! A big one, right?

07.01.044

Austin : [Hands on hips] Yes! That's more like it. A gold band with lots of diamonds and a big one in the middle.

07.01.045

Charlie: [Excitedly] And don't forget the prophecy, the exact duplicates of all of us, and the donkey!

07.01.046

Jerome: Of course! [Reaches into his pocket and fishes out a ring with a diamond the size of a large apple]

Alice: Wow! Of course I'll marry you, Jerome!

07.01.047

Charlie: [Quickly] But only after a very long engagement! [To Jerome] You have my permission to kiss Miss Alice on the back of the hand. [Sharply] No tongue!

07.01.048

Jerome: [Straightens his bow-tie and starts to kiss the back of her hand] Mm-mmm!

Alice: That's nice. [Smiles politely] Er, yes.

[Her hand is now soaking.]

Alice: Er, great, thanks.


;;; Out for about 2.5 hours!

07.01.049

Charlie: [Sharply] That is quite enough! You are still only pre-pre engaged, after all!

07.01.050

Jerome: [Slithers off Alice] Oh no. Now we are engaged!

07.01.051

Clint: Hell, after what you just did to her hand, you're practically married!

07.01.052

Austin : [Shudders at the slight of Alice's slavery hand and offers her a handy-wipe] Here you go sweetie!

07.01.053

Alice: [Gladly takes it] I think we need a bigger handy-wipe!

Jerome: Wow! Already married! Thanks Clint!

07.01.054

Clint: Anyway, we'll just take a hint on where to find the prophecy and then be on our way, eh? No sense always asking god to do all the work for you!

07.01.055

Jordan: Nope, or else we could all retire from the hero business and just have him do it all instead.


;;; Sorry, I forgot to mention I had a hospital appointment this afternoon.

07.01.056


;;; Not too sick, I hope!

Jerome: I'll do one better than that. I'll give you the prophecy! [Fishes out a piece of paper and holds it out] Here we go.


;;; First to post a yoink gets it!

07.01.057

Jordan: [Yoinks the prophecy from Jerome]


;;; nah just an assessment thing and an update on something else to do

with it all

07.01.058

Charlie: [Gasps] After all my negotiation, I should be the one to see it first! [Eagerly tries to look over Jordan's shoulder to read the prophecy]

07.01.059

Clint: Oh well. We didn't really need Dementia anyway!

07.01.060

Dur: If had held up a sandwich, I bet I would have been the first to grab it!

07.01.061

[JORDAN shows the prophecy to the party. It reads "Jerome and Alice will live happily ever after."]

Jerome: I've got a good feeling!


;;; No posting today! Back to normal on Monday

07.01.062

Alice: Looks like it's all going to work out juuuust fine!

07.01.063

Austin : [Looks sad] Unless the realms are overrun by demons!

07.01.064

Jerome: Nonsense! These are just teething problems! Sure, there are a few exploding rabbits, and deserts popping up all over, as well as the occasional demon invasion, but it's not like it's the end of the world!

07.01.065

Austin : No! It is the end of the world! Everything is dead or dieing. [Looks very sad] We need to maintain the balance.

07.01.066

Charlie: Indeed, and this is why we must have doppelgangers created, to help keep Wilhelmina occupied and allow you to concentrate on [vaguely] God-things and not worry about Miss Alice.

07.01.067

Jerome: Of course, of course! Here they come... now, you need to be careful that you don't accidentally go away with the wrong party, as these guys are so uncanny.

[There is a puff of smoke. Enter AUSTIN DOPPELGANGER and CHARLIE DOPPELGANGER, both of whom bare little more than the barest smidgeon of passing resemblance to their counterparts.]

Austin: I like suits.

Charlie: Organisation is fun!

Alice: [Applauds] Wow! Amazing!

07.01.068

Charlie: [Aghast] Mine looks nothing like me! It's a man! [To Jerome, scolding] Do you honestly think my daughter will mistake this for me?!

07.01.069

Jerome: Wha? Who said that? Which is the real one?

07.01.070

Jordan: [To the party] And this is the guy we have as God? We need a new Philli. Maybe I should just kill him and take his place?

07.01.071

Alice: Are you sure you can?

07.01.072

Jordan: But of course. I shall just read some of my more depressing poetry to him until he commits suicide

07.01.073

Charlie: That should do it, all right! [To Alice, scolding] Do tell your pre-anc=E9 to try harder!

07.01.074

Austin : [To Jordan] You have even more depressing poetry that what you have already published? [Looks amazed] That should do the trick alright!

07.01.075

Jordan: Oh of course. I hid it from my ex-wife so that I could use it in emergency situations such as this, hence why it never got published.

07.01.076

Austin : That was most cunning! You are far far smarter than you look.

07.01.077

Alice: Don't be silly, Jordan, why would you want to do something like that?

07.01.078

Charlie: [To Jerome] Miss Alice demands more convincing doppelgangers! [Temptingly] You can kiss her forehead for 5 seconds if you please her!

07.01.079

Jerome: [Licks his lips excitedly] Of course!

[Enter CLINT DOPPELGANGER, looking super suave.]

Jerome: What do you think?


;;; Out for 1.5 hours or so

07.01.080

Charlie: [Appalled] His one is even less convincing than mine! There's NO odor whatsoever, for one thing. [To Jerome, disapprovingly] It's this lack of attention to detail that will get us all killed!

07.01.081

Jordan: [To Alice] Why? Well if the current Phili, Jerome, is putting his feelings for you before the safety o the realm, and in fact his feelings for you causing the destruction of the realm, then surely he is not fit to be in the position of God. Therefore, does it not follow that it is time he was replaced? [Ponders] Or did you mean why did I hide my most depressing work from the now ex Mrs Chapman?

07.01.082

Alice: No, why would she divorce you? You're so good at poetry! Isn't he great at poetry, Jerome?

Jerome: [Glares at Alice] He's okay.

07.01.083

[Enter DUR DOPPELGANGER, who looks just like a crash test dummy. He enters and walks straight into a plate glass window, which, mercifully, doesn't break.]

Jerome: Isn't it uncannny?

07.01.084

Jordan: Actually Alice I divorced her. For publishing my work without my permission or knowledge. [Looks at DUR DOPPELGANGER then to Jerome] Does you incompetence know no limits?

07.01.085

Charlie: [Looks at Dur Doppelganger appraisingly] Actually, this one is rather uncanny!

07.01.086

Clint: [Nods.] Yeah! It looks like practice is making perfect here. [To Jerome, encouragingly.] You're getting better, Jer. Keep it up!


;;; So as of yesterday, my hometown team is in the super bowl. Am a little

;;; hungover. Stop typing so loud!

07.01.087

Austin : Quite an improvement. Well done!

07.01.088

Jerome: [Looks coldly at Jordan] I've left you alive, haven't I? [Waves his hand and Jordan goes flying out the window, falling thousands of feet to the earth]

[Everyone runs the edge and looks over at the tiny smear that is left of JORDAN.]

07.01.089

Charlie: [Rushes to the window] Jordan!! [Shocked, to Jerome] Why did you do that?! [Nervously] Er, sir? [To Alice, quickly] Do give your sweetheart a loving kiss, won't you?

07.01.090

Jerome: Because he insulted me, and he's an idiot.

Alice: Er, of course! You'll bring him back to life, won't you, Jerry? I promise, he'll be less idioty!

Jerome: [Shrugs] I don't know. Maybe I'm too incompetent.

Alice: For me? [Gives him a kiss]

[The kiss is even slobberier than when he kissed her hand, and goes on and on. And on. Eventually, JORDAN appears, looking quite shaken and dishevelled, missing a hand.]

07.01.091

Jordan: [Shaking, looks down and sees his left hand is missing] Oh dear god no! How will I be able to play music now?

07.01.092

Charlie: [Looks at Jordan and gasps. To Alice, urgently] Perhaps another kiss to replace the hand?!

07.01.093

Jordan: Kiss him, marry him, be The Mother of his children, I don't care! [Cries] I just want to be able to play again!

07.01.094

Alice: [Wipes the Jerome saliva off her face] Please, Jerry?

[Cue another highly wet and sloppy kiss. Magically, JORDAN's hand grows back.]

Jerome: [Breaking off the kiss] Not bad for an incompetent? [Clicks his fingers]

[Enter ALICE DOPPELGANGER and JORDAN DOPPELGANGER. The Alice one is a plasticky looking doll in a wedding dress, while the Jordan one appears to be no more than a raspberry.]

Alice: [Doppelganger] I can't wait to marry my beloved Jerome.

07.01.095

Austin : Hmm, that will probably fool most people [Checks his nails]

07.01.096

Jordan_Raspberry: Bluuuurb!

Alice: Wow! That is really good! How about we get the doppelgangers to go to Queens View? And we can go to Nostalgia to find Charlie's mum.

Jerome: Nostalgia? Why do you want to go there? What do you want with her mother? Why is she there?

07.01.097

Charlie: She is looking for the prophecy. [Wryly] The real one, not the one you provided to us!

07.01.098

Jerome: What prophecy? What do you mean?

07.01.100

Charlie: [Tries to laugh casually] Oh, you know, it's just a piece of ancient text I am mad to analyze for my next paper! Nothing for you to be alarmed about.

07.01.099

Last from me 98

[Time passes. ]

Jerome: well? [Looks around the party]

07.01.100

Austin : [Fidgeting] Well, we had a copy of the prophecy, but mislaid it. It supposedly will help us save the realms. It's a kind of continuation of the Clementine thing and it explains the Reveals, and the Abyss and the Mother stuff.

07.01.101

Last from Dom and Heather 100

Jordan: [Is too busy making sure his new left hand is really real]

07.01.102

Last from Drew 101

Jerome: What? Which is it? Are you really trying to overthrow me?

Alice: No! [To the party] Right? We think you're just neat!

07.01.103

Clint: C'mon, Jerry, do we seem like the kind of people who would try to overthrow an old friend once he becomes a god? Really?

07.01.103

Charlie: Indeed! Why ever would we encourage a marriage between you and our most beloved party member if we intended to overthrow you?! It would make for a MOST awkward wedding.

07.01.104

Clint: [Puzzled.] Wait, when did we get Jerry engaged to Dur?

07.01.105

Alice: Hey!

Jerome: Ha! Jerome is pleased to see the sort of good natured bantering of old!

07.01.106

Charlie: Indeed, isn't it delightful? [All business] Now, could you be a dear and send us to Nostalgia?

07.01.107

Jerome: Of course! Don't forget, Jerome will be keeping an eye on you! [Gives Alice one more disgusting sloppy kiss, and then clicks his fingers]

[The party disappear.]

Jerome: [Looks around, feeling pleased with himself] Ah! Everything is right with the world, finally! Maybe I should masturbate!


;;; And with that delightful message, we'll take a break until Friday

morning. No more

;;; disruptions for a while after that, hopefully!

07.01.107

I forgot to mention I was taking a four day vacation :x

Kevin Day, CBA Credit Manager=20 Hanson Building Products=20 Lehigh Hanson Inc.=20 300 E. John Carpenter Fwy, 15th Floor=20 Irving, TX 75062=20 Tel: 972 653 5541 Fax: 469 586 1605=20 kevin.day@lehighhanson.com=20 hansonbuildingproducts.com=20 Please Send ALL waiver requests to the Lien Waiver Department at:=20 Waivers.buildingproducts@LehighHanson.com=20 The direct fax number is: 866-513-1925=20 "For more information, employees can visit our SSC site on Unite." SSC Unite Site

-----Original Message----- Sent: Wednesday, January 22, 2014 3:50 AM To: Heather Cc: Tom Henderson; Marc-Andrew Hunnam Nicholas; dom; Day, Kevin R (Irving) USA; Tom Henderson; qvblogger@gmail.com; yuye639geda@post.wordpress.com

Jerome: Of course! Don't forget, Jerome will be keeping an eye on you! [Gives Alice one more disgusting sloppy kiss, and then clicks his fingers]

[The party disappear.]

Jerome: [Looks around, feeling pleased with himself] Ah! Everything is right with the world, finally! Maybe I should masturbate!


;;; And with that delightful message, we'll take a break until Friday morning. No more ;;; disruptions for a while after that, hopefully!

07.02.001

[Book VII, Act II, Scene I. Outside the "Come, Stay Inn" in Nostalgia. ALICE, AUSTIN, CHARLIE, CLINT, DUR and JORDAN have just appeared. Nostalgia seems untouched by all the other craziness that the party have witnessed, and the clean streets and rosy faced young children playing in the streets bring back memories of a gentler time.]

Alice: Come, Stay Inn? This sounds like a nice place!

07.02.002

Charlie: [Looks at the sign disapprovingly] A bit literal, isn't it? As if they largely cater to simpletons who might need to be told how temporary lodging works?

07.02.003

Austin : [Frowning] Indeed, we should find somewhere that conforms to the accepted norms expected of high standard accommodation.


;;; mad day, intermittent posts

07.02.003

Alice: Aw! So it's temporary?

[Enter PENNY STAINER, out of the Come, Stay Inn.]

Penny: [Smiles at the party] Hello and blessed be! [Recognises the party] Oh, [smile flickers a little, but she brightens up again] how nice to meet you again?


;;; This is Penny from Penny and Isobel fame:

<P><a href=http://queens-view.com/wiki/index.php/Penny_and_Isobel>Penny

and Isobel</A>

07.02.004

Charlie: [To Penny] Oh, quite! We were just on our way to another inn, one we booked earlier. [Snaps her fingers] If only we had known you had an inn here, too!

07.02.005

nn here, too!

Dur: Perhaps it is not too late to change our reservations?

07.02.006

Penny: Oh please do! We would love you to stay, to show that there are no hard feelings.

Alice: No hard feelings after what?

Penny: After the Cum Stain.

07.02.007

Charlie: [Appalled] How dare you suggest an inappropriate relationship between us?! [Primly] Only my husband would be responsible for such a stain.

07.02.007

Dur: [Frowning and looking between Alice and Charlie] ... You may need to be a bit more specific...

07.02.008

Alice: [Disapprovingly] Charlie! Please!

Penny: Oh no, I meant that when you gave us the new name for our band, it caused some embarrassment, as a lot of people read it as Cum Stain. We've since given up music and picked the most inoffensive name we could for our establishment. Come Stay Inn.

07.02.009

Clint: [Nods.] Well, it sounds like that worked out for the best. For everyone!

07.02.010

Penny: Great! Come on in!

[PENNY leads the party inside, where there is a large entrance hall, with a bar off to one side. The place is surprisingly nice looking and, with the exception of a series of paintings of chicks and cocks, contains very few double entendres.]

Alice: Does anyone else get a really strong smell of ham?

07.02.011

Charlie: [Sniffs the air] I suspect this place is more vegan than carnivore, so I doubt it!

07.02.012

Alice: Try to set aside the overwhelming whiff of lentils and whatever other crap these people cook [to Penny] no offence.

Penny: [Annoyingly brightly] None taken!

Alice: And you'll get something?

Penny: I'm sure you're mistaken. There's definitely no ham here.

[Even with CLINT in close proximity, the others can get the scent too. From inside the bar, the party can hear ISOBEL.]

Isobel: I'm sorry, but there's no ham here!

07.02.010

Austin : [To Penny] Well, even if we cannot change our current reservations, perhaps we could view your facilities, so that we can tell others of the excellent facilities you offer?

07.02.013

Clint: Then what the hell is that smell?


;;; Ah, Clint's glory days...

07.02.014

Austin : Perhaps it is some one, or something that spends a lot of time eating or working with ham? A butcher perhaps?

07.02.015

Alice: They'd have to eat an awful lot of ham, Aus! [Eyes widen] Could it be?

[The party look into the bar to see that ISOBEL is talking to a man with his back to the party. He turns around to the party and lifts his glass to them in salute. It is none other than DEUCE.]

Deuce: Hi gang. Anyone know where to get a good ham around here?

Isobel: Meat is murder.

07.02.016

Charlie: [Gasps] Deuce! However did you manage to bring yourself back to life?! Oh, this is wonderful! [Starts digging in her knapsack] I have ever so many papers for you to read!

07.02.017

Clint: Chuck, the man's back from the dead, dying for some ham... Hasn't he suffered enough? [Nods to Deuce.] But what are you doing here, anyway? And how?

07.02.018

Alice: Deucie! [Gives him a huge hug]

Deuce: Hi there, Pixie Styx! [To the party] Not sure myself, guys. Last thing I remember, someone was jamming a spoon into my brain.

07.02.019

Charlie: [Goes to give Deuce a peck on the cheek and hands him a huge stack of papers] Well, DO try and avoid spooning your brain again! It was a tremendous loss to science and [trying not to sniffle] to many of us on a personal level.

07.02.020

emendous loss to science and [trying not to sniffle] >to many of us on a personal level.

Dur: Errr.... being that someone was messing around with Deucycles brain, can we be sure we can trust him? What if they did something to turn him agai= nst us?

07.02.021

Clint: Haw! In that case, as the resident doctor and surgeon, you'd have to use your medical skills to do a little brain surgery and fix the problem!

07.02.022

Deuce: Nah, if someone had messed around with my brain and turned me into some sort of killing machine that could be turned on a moment's notice to murder all my friends, I'm sure I'd know all about it. [Looks Charlie up and down] Wow! Puddin' Pop! What happened to you? [To Dur] Wow! What happened to YOU? [To Alice] Yikes! How long have I been dead?

07.02.023

Austin : To cut a long story short, Chuckles and Mr Dur are pregnant, and Alice is engaged to Trindle, presently aka God.

07.02.023

Charlie: [Eagerly] SO much has happened! I was dead, as well, and so was Pestilence! I have the first draft of a study about death experiences, and really, you MUST be part of it. [Waves the paper temptingly] I'll make you third author!

07.02.024

Deuce: Woah, woah, woah! Woah! [Takes a drink from his glass] Woah! You're calling Charlie Chuckles? That's really annoying, Austin. What idiot came up with that one?

[A sarcastic female voice comes from the opposite end of the bar. It is none other than LUCY ANGEL, AUSTIN's bride to be, who was killed on her wedding day.]

Lucy: It's so idiotic, unimaginative and pedestrian I suspect it must have been Austin.

07.02.025

Clint: Haw! She's right about that. Also, she's dead. What the hell is going on here?

07.02.026

Lucy: If past history is anything to go by, you people are on your way to be late rescuing someone.

07.02.027

Dur: Crap, we're late?! Who are we supposed to be saving again?

07.02.028

Charlie: [Smugly] No one! We are here to meet with Mother, but she does not need to be saved. [Worriedly] I hope!!

07.02.029

Lucy: Are you sure it wasn't his dignity you were trying to save?

07.02.030

Dur: Does that make this woman [motioning to Lucy] the mother?

07.02.030

Clint: [Eyes Lucy.] You have met us, right? Would we try to save anyone's dignity, I ask you? Anyway, what are you doing here all alive and well and charming as ever?

07.02.031

Lucy: [To Clint] I'm having a drink.

Alice: [To Dur] Oh my good heck. By all laws of god and nature, she should never be allowed to produce offspring. She's just horrid. [Thinks to herself for a moment] Horrid? Oh my good heck! I'm getting worse!

Deuce: [Looks Alice up and down] I don't know, Pixie Styx, whatever game you're playing is working for me. [Sexy growl] Roar!

07.02.032

Charlie: [To Deuce, nervously] You might want to keep that to yourself, dear. She is pre-pre-engaged to God now!

07.02.033

Deuce: [Looking strangely relieved] Good for her!

Alice: Yes, I'm saving myself for my wedding night.

[Everyone stifles some rather uncharitable and unkind sniggers.]

Alice: What?

07.02.034

Jordan: Well you see Alice, you're going to marry God, and only Nuns are married to God, and they never get laid. So you see, you'll never have sex again Alice.


;;; No more from me for the rest of the week.

;;; Conor I'll email you later to explain why

07.02.035

Austin : [Recovering from speechlessness at seeing Lucy. To Lucy] Hello.

07.02.036

Lucy: [To Austin] So, are we getting married, or what?

07.02.037

Austin : [Quickly coming round, smiles] May I kiss you first?

07.02.038

Lucy: If you have to. [Grabs Austin and gives him a passionate kiss, eventually finishing with a loud pop.]

[AUSTIN looks unusually dishevelled from the kiss, while LUCY looks her normal, calm self.]

07.02.039

Charlie: [Shocked] Mr. Sleaze! What about that horrid woman with whom you seem to have some sort of sick relationship?

07.02.040

Alice: Charlie! Lucy is a horrid woman with whom he had a sick relationship! [To Lucy] No offence!

Lucy: Coming from someone dressed like you, I take it as a compliment.

07.02.041

Austin : I don't have any relationships with any horrid women, thank you very much!

07.02.042

Lucy: That's a relief. So. This marriage? I believe I'm about to be killed if we don't get married.


;;; This is a reference to Book IV, Act II, in which this was foretold

in a prophecy.

;;; They tried to get married, but, before they did, Lucy was killed by Jerome,

;;; which was when the party realised he had turned evil. Apparently!

07.02.043

Austin : [Alarmed] In the name of Aequilibra why? [Glances around for any immediate danger, hastily getting out some papers] Do you know of a suitably authorized humanist Celebrant in the vicinity? [Shuffles and checks some papers] I have a copy of the standard contract, if you find the terms suitable? [Takes a deeps breath] Now, venue, ring, honeymoon [Ponders]

07.02.044

Lucy: What on earth is wrong with you? We already signed our prenupts! And you were the one who told me about the prophecy!

Alice: [To Austin] Remember? The shared dream back in Asphyxia?

<A><a href=http://queens-view.com/Scripts/04.02.html#02.06.036>Prenupts</A> <P><A href=http://queens-view.com/Scripts/04.02.html#02.06.019>The prophecy of Lucy's death</A>

07.02.045

Austin : Yes yes, of course I remember, just joking! [Looks around] So we need a registrar.

07.02.046

IQ0K

07.02.046

Charlie: [Alarmed] Mr. Sleaze, are you quite sure? Marriage is not to be taken lightly!

07.02.047

Austin : [Frowns, annoyed at Charlie and Dur] What part of this is confusing you? You are on my guest list because ... it seemed appropriate some moments ago. Please do not give me grounds to change that.

07.02.048

Alice: There's a registrar behind the counter! [Points to the cash register]

Lucy: What HARMA baddie? What is a HARMA?

Deuce: What's a HARMA? Where've you been for the last four years? I wish I could unknown them!

07.02.049

Austin : The HARMA are a despot controlled hierarchical right wing extremist anti-pathist army.

07.02.050

Lucy: And why don't I know about them? [Looks around] Where is everyone else? Who are these people?

07.02.051

Austin : Well, I don't know why you don't know what you don't know, but it may be something to do with you being dead for the past four years. If by everyone else, you mean the Queens-view party, Trindle is now Phili, Harvey ran away screaming mad things, Chassers retired, and Alice is here [Gestures to Alice] and Mr Scar is there [points] .

07.02.052

Lucy: Dead? [Takes a drink] That seems a little unlikely, doesn't it? Given that I am now sitting here?

07.02.053

Dur: For us? Nah. Seems like just another day honestly!

07.02.053

Austin : [Sweetly] Well, no my love. I myself have been dead several times. Do you know what year it is?

07.02.054

Lucy: Of course I do! It's 1280. Isn't it? Isn't it? I'm really uncomfortable with being dead!


;;; The actual date is 1283. Yes, Aus said four years, but the web site

;;; has a typo, so that's my fault. Let's skip over that!

07.02.055

Clint: Nah. It's 1283. Congratulations, you're experiencing your first "so I've been dead" moment! [Encouragingly.] You get used to them after a while.

07.02.056

Lucy: But what happened? Why don't I remember anything?

07.02.057

Austin : Well, I think it's probably because there was nothing to do the remembering. It takes a little bit of getting used to, and hopefully it won't ever happen again for you. It gets quite tiring after a while.

07.02.058

Deuce: I don't know, Aus. It made me kinda hungry!

[For once, LUCY appears to be speechless, and doesn't respond to AUSTIN. The party are distracted by a polite cough from the opposite end of the bar. It is DOMINQUE DOMINICK, a beautiful woman dressed very nicely.]

Dominique: It's impossible to not overhear you, particularly since I was trying to anyway, but dead? Really? Is Nigel involved in this?


;;; Dominique is the love of Clint's life, who was brainwashed and

stolen from him by Boddy, who

;;; married her. She was accidentally killed by the party a few acts later.

;;;

;;; And yes, Boddy's first name was actually revealed to be Nigel,

although no one ever called

;;; him by that name

07.02.058

Clint: And as far as what happened goes, Jerry killed you, but then he become Phili, so that's all sorted now.

07.02.059

Dominique: [To Clint] Well, Bumpy? What's going on?

07.02.059

email just came in) #58ish

Clint: [Splutters.]

07.02.060

Dominique: [Smiles] Poor old Bumpy! I really must have been dead! [Rubs his arm reassuringly] What happened?

Alice: Er... someone blew you up in an explosion!

07.02.060

Austin : [Looking a little flustered] Ah, Dominique. So very good to see you. [Looks around to see who else is in the room] This is all starting to get a little 'impending apocalypse' like.

07.02.061

Charlie: Indeed, this is most extraordinary! The dead are rising! What can it mean? [To the Dominique] Do you have any memory of your recent activities, etc?

07.02.061

Clint: It must be, because I agree with the lawyer! [To Dominique, somewhat shyly.] So, uh, how's married life treating you? Married re-life, I guess?

07.02.062

Dominique: Oh, not bad, but you know, Clint, you were always my real love. [To Charlie] I remember going to Ergasia with Nigel, but not a lot more. [Smiles warmly] Are you with Clint now? You seem like a nice couple!

07.02.063

Charlie: [Laughs] Oh my, no! Our Mr. Scar is what one might politely refer to as a [finger quotes] confirmed bachelor.

07.02.064

Austin : [To Dominique] Mr Scar was rather lost after your leaving this world.

07.02.065

Clint: [Defensively.] Hey, that's what happens when people you lo.. lo... care about get blown to smithereens!

07.02.066

Dominique: Well, now I'm back. [Looks at Alice cosying up to Deuce] I see you found someone too, Alice.

Alice: Not even being dead can keep us apart! He just can't get away from me!

Deuce: [Downs his drink] It's great!

07.02.067

Clint: So, uh, does anyone have any idea why all our dead loved ones are coming back to life? [To Dominique, hastily.] Not that it's not a good thing!

07.02.068

Deuce: I guess it depends on what's been going on since we died. How are things going since Jerome took over?

07.02.069

Austin : [Frowns, then smiles] Well, we are still alive! For the moment at least.

07.02.070

Deuce: Are you sure?

07.02.071

Charlie: [Wails] Not again! I've died twice this last year, and I shall never finish my book at this rate!

07.02.072

Austin : [To Deuce] No, but who cares if I'm wrong?

07.02.073

Alice: [To Charlie] I guess there's a bright side to everything!

Deuce: You might, if the only place you can be alive is in this bar.

07.02.074

Charlie: Oh, why couldn't it have been a library?! [Haunted] Perhaps this is hell?


;;;Out for a couple of hours!

07.02.075

Alice: Oh come on! If it was hell, would Clint be here? [Thinks] Hm.

07.02.075

Austin : [Looks around] I don't think so. Last time I was there it was not nearly as nice as this.

07.02.076

Isobel: [Who's behind the bar] Of course it's not! And I'm certainly alive! In fact, we know a really fun song about a man who told lots of lies and found himself in hell. It's called My Hot Sticky Mess.

Deuce: We're in hell alright.

07.02.077

Dur: Is Deuce suggesting that he and his fellow zombies are unable to leavethis bar?

07.02.078

Charlie: Oooh, let's experiment! [Tries to poke her foot out the door of the bar]

07.02.078

Deuce: No, just that we don't want to!

07.02.079

[CHARLIE successfully pokes her foot out.]

07.02.080

Austin : Not much of a pilot study. [Tries to set outside then back in]

07.02.081

[AUSTIN skillfully steps out and back in again.]

Alice: Let me try!

[Steps out through another door but runs smack into an invisible barrier.]

Alice: Ow! Oh no! I must be dead!

Isobel: Actually, that's a sliding door, and it's closed.

Alice: Why is it so gosh darned clean?

Isobel: [Points to a disturbing amount of blood and snot on the once pristine glass] It isn't any more.

Alice: That was there before I ran into it!


;;; Out for an hour!

07.02.082

Austin : [Sighs] All that hard work and high risk of personal injury, and we only have an 'n' of 3! That's why I avoided science and studied law.

07.02.083

Charlie: [To Deuce] Well, you should stay and enjoy yourself as long as you like, but we really must be going. I don't suppose you've seen my mother, have you?

07.02.084

Clint: Or her crazy homicidal daughter? You can't be too careful about these things!

07.02.085

Deuce: Are either of those tall redheads with a tendency to use whips?

07.02.086

Charlie: My daughter or my mother?! Really, Deuce!

07.02.087

Austin : A bottle of peroxide, another of B'Oreal Feria Hot Chilli Red Hair Dye an hour in the bathroom, just add a whip and your there! [Drifts off into a day dream]

07.02.088

Clint: Lawyer! Not in front of your long-dead fiance! [To Dominique.] Some people, huh?

07.02.089

Dominique: I think it's kinda cute that he'd like to dye his hair.

Lucy: [To Clint] Oh please. I'd be disappointed if he didn't already have all that stuff with him right now.

Deuce: Hey look, I wasn't insinuating that I wanted to have sex with your daughter, Charlie, but --

[Fortunately for everyone, DEUCE is interrupted by a man who is sitting at a nearby table, holding a newspaper.]

Man: Choo! Choo!

07.02.090

Charlie: [Startled] Father?!

07.02.091

[He puts the paper down, revealing that it is indeed RUDYARD PARKER-KENSINGTON, but looking almost twenty years younger than when the party last saw him]

Rudyard: Choo choo Charlie!

07.02.092

Charlie: [Rushes to hug Rud] Oh, Father! You're ali--uh, here! What brings you to Nostaglia? [Looking him over worriedly] Are you quite well?

07.02.093

Rudyard: [Returns the hug] Given the conversation that I've been listening in to, along with your reaction, I suspect I'm a long way from being quite well. [Looks her up and down] Another grandchild? [Looks at Deuce] That's not the one this guy wants to see in a leather suit, is it?

Deuce: No sir! I just meant her mother!

Rudyard: You want to have sex with my wife? [Gives the party a playful wink] What the hell is wrong with you, man?

07.02.093

Clint: [Pretty creeped out by now.] Are we suuuure we're not dead?

07.02.094

Charlie: [Anxiously] I'm afraid something dreadful DID happen to you, Father, but it is ever so good to see you now. [Beaming] And, yes, you have a granddaughter and another grandchild on the way!

07.02.095

Clint: Just don't ask who the father is!

07.02.096

Rudyard: [Gives Charlie a warm look] Is it Pestilence?

07.02.097

Charlie: Well, yes. [Quickly] But he is a changed man! In fact, he's an angel now because of his terribly noble sacrifice to save us all!

07.02.098

Rudyard: Well, Choo-Choo, I hope he is! I just had a bad feeling that something awful was going to happen that night in our house. I hope it didn't.

07.02.099

Charlie: [Teary-eyed] Yes, well, would you like to see a photo of your granddaughter, Wilhelmina?! [Fumbles and producing a huge collection of pictures of Will]

07.02.100

Alice: Oh, this will be delightful! [Turns to the party, looking horrified] Oh God! I really do want to see them! It's getting worse!

Rudyard: Great! Let's see the little ankle biter! [Scans through them] Yikes! How long have I been dead?

Lucy: [Rolls her eyes on seeing the pictures] Now I'm starting to wish I was dead again!

07.02.101

Austin : [Grimacing at the doting] There may be a very long queue.

07.02.102

Alice: Who else here is dead? Maybe that might be a clue into what's going on?


;;; Gone for the afternoon! Back to normal tomorrow

07.02.103

[A woman, at a nearby table, HATIE KOPKINS, speaks up.]

Hatie: I can assure you. I most certainly am not dead. [Looks Dur in the eye] Hello, Dur.

Dur: What? Ha-ha-Hatie? [Quickly grabs Deuce's drink so he can drop it in shock]

Deuce: Hey!

07.02.104

Charlie: [Looks at Hatie and frowns] Who are you? And why are you willing to look Dur in the eye?

07.02.105

Hatie: Oh, Dur and I go way back. I'm Hatie Kopkins. Lady Hatie Kopkins.

07.02.106

Charlie: Ooooh, yes. I remember you, now! Bad news, I'm afraid. Our Dur has found another love, and she treats him far more kindly than you did!

07.02.107

Hatie: All the more reason why he would want to be with me, isn't that right, Dur?


;;; Kevin is safely asleep!

Dur: Uh, that's right!

Hatie: What has she been feeding him?

07.02.108

Charlie: [Triumphantly] All manner of disgusting rubbish!


;;; That's my three, I do believe!

07.02.109

Austin : [Casually] He is with spawn, that bulge is pregnancy, not lard. Dur's wife is a demon. [Sighs]

07.02.110

Last from Dom 109

Hatie: Mm! Forbidden love? I like it!

07.02.111

Dur: Of course you do! It's all you ever wanted from me! [Dur says grumpily]

07.02.112

Hatie: I love when you pout, Dur. It's so seeeexy.

07.02.113

Dur: [Sighs] What are you doing here Hatie. I haven't seen you since the Bliss. Or heard from you. Typical really.=20

07.02.114

Hatie: You've never been more attracted to me, have you? [Looks around] I have no idea what I'm doing here, or even where we are, but I can assure you, I most certainly am not dead.

07.02.115

Charlie: [Intrigued] No? [Looks around] How many of you DO think you're dead?

07.02.116

Dur: And if only the living can leave this tavern, there should be an easy way to test your breathing status right?=20

07.02.116

Austin : [Casually check his nails] I suspect the answer is zero. Perhaps you could see how many know what year it is, and where they think they have been since they last remember anything.

07.02.117

[A previously unnoticed woman speaks up. This is ANGELA CHAPMAN, a woman in her mid-twenties with unfeasibly large glasses.]

Angela: Well, I'm sorry, but this is the most ridiculous conversation I have heard for a long time!

[JORDAN's eyes bulge and he turns to face her.]

Jordan: Angela?? [Brightens] Are you dead?

Angela: Of course not, silly! I'm as alive as you are!

Lucy: [To Austin] Typical. Still getting other people to do your work?

07.02.118

Austin : [To Lucy] Indeed. Someone has to keep this whole this focussed and on track. [Sighs] Most days it's like herding academics in a conference. Nigh on impossible.

07.02.119

Lucy: Not to mention undesirable, uninteresting and, in the case of computer science, often unsanitary.

07.02.120

Austin : [Shudders at the thought] Truly primordial. Thought that may be insulting to slime.

07.02.121

Jordan: Angela's not dead, right? Are you?

Angela: If I am it's news to me! [Steps out of the bar and back in again] Guess I'm alive!

07.02.122

Charlie: Right, let's all go outside for just a moment, just to see! [Heads outside, then turns back to the others expectantly] Chop, chop!

07.02.123

Austin : [To Lucy] They require patience, a lot of patience. [Sighs] Would you like something to drink perhaps?

07.02.124

Lucy: They are very tiresome. And yes, that would be ideal.

Angela: [Bounds out, pushing past Charlie] Let's go out for more than a few moments! And maybe myself and Jordan could find some private time?

Jordan: [Smiles] Great idea, Angie! [To the party] Wow! This is just how she used to be before!

07.02.125

Austin : [Goes to the bar] Two Louis XV, please.


;;; And now my mail

Isobel: Certainly!

[Everyone else goes and stands outside the bar, meanwhile, ISOBEL hands over what appear to be two glasses of fizzy orange.]

Isobel: Enjoy!

07.02.126

Austin : [Inspects the contents of the glasses] This appears to be fizzy orange, not Louis XV. Do you have Louis XV? [Looks at the bottles behind the bar] What do you have?

07.02.127

Charlie: [To Isobel] More importantly, are you dead?

07.02.128

Isobel: Yes I am -- I'm dead keen on making sure that everyone has healthy drinks! [To Austin] We have fizzy lemon, too. But you need to be careful, it's really lemony.

07.02.129

Charlie: [Looks at the drinks disapprovingly] We haven't time for this just now. We must find my mother and see what she has learned!

07.02.130

Rudyard: Uh, I'm afraid I better not come along, Choo-Choo. She wasn't too happy when we last met up. [Looks around at the others in general] Now I'm starting to understand why.

07.02.131

Charlie: [To Rud, elated] You've seen Mother? Where? What happened?

07.02.132

Rud: In her hotel bedroom. She screamed and said that I wasn't real. No more than a physical manifestation of her subconscious guilt and desires. Then she threw a shoe at me. It kinda hurt.

07.02.133

Austin : Who designed the shoe?


;;; out for the rest of the day

07.02.134

Charlie: [To Austin] Someone sensible, I am certain! [To Rud, eagerly] Oh, in this hotel?! Upstairs?

07.02.135

Rud: No, it was across the road. Barney's Old Time Tavern On Moon. That's Moon Road.


;;; Gone for the weekend!

07.02.136

Alice: Bottom?

Rud: It's better than Come Stay Inn.

07.02.137

Charlie: [To Rud] Thank you, Father! [Links arms with Rud] Now, come with us, and we will explain things to Mother.

07.02.138

Deuce: This ought to be good.

Hatie: [To Dur] I have a room upstairs. When you're ready, you can come crawling to me.

[Exit ALL but HATIE.]

07.03.001

[Book IX, Act VII, Scene III. The Streets of Nostalgia. ALICE, AUSTIN, CHARLIE, CLINT, DUR, JORDAN, DEUCE, LUCY, RUD, DOMINIQUE and ANGELA are here, heading towards Moon St.]

Deuce: So what is going on here? Have we established yet who's dead?

Angela: I'm certainly not dead!

07.03.002

Charlie: [To Rud and Deuce, sorrowfully] I personally witnessed your deaths, so I am afraid you are--or at least WERE--dead at one stage. [To Lucy] I believe many of my colleagues also witnessed your untimely death, as well.

07.03.003

Rud: That certainly makes some sense. This all does seem a little weird to me.

Alice: [Nods sadly] It's true, Lucy. Just before the ceremony.

07.03.004

Charlie: As for the others, I am not certain. [To the party] Can any of you confirm their deaths?


;;;That's my three!

07.03.005

Alice: Well, we know that Rud, Dominique and Deucie died, but not the rest.

07.03.006

Dur: I would hate to think that Hatie could have died without me knowing.... [Rubs his baby bump] But we have been a bit preoccupied have we not?


;;; lol, Conor did you add me on linked in?

07.03.007

Alice: Maybe her husband found out?


;;; yes! I was forced to set up an account and

;;; it mailed everyone in my inbox who also

;;; has one!

07.03.008

Dur: I believe he did find out during the Bliss so that is a possibility. [Looks back at the inn a bit wistfully] Perhaps I should go speak to her abo= ut it privately...


;;; Ha! No hiding now buddy!

07.03.008

Clint: I think we can pretty safely say that everyone here is dead except for maybe us [gestures around at the party] and I'm not sure about us!

07.03.009

Charlie: [Haughtily] I am well familiar with being dead at this stage, and I am most certainly NOT dead.

07.03.010

Clint: Well, that's a relief! So, let's find this prophecy and make sure we stay not dead!

07.03.011

Alice: You sure do smell like you're dead, though, Stinky!

07.03.012

Clint: Nah. I smell like I'm alive!


;;; More's the pity, eh?

07.03.013

Alice: [Sniffs] Now that you mention it, you do smell way worse than a dead guy.

Deuce: So other than the party members, who at least think they're alive, there's myself and Rud who know they're dead, and then Lucy, who didn't know, and then Angela, Hatie and Dominique, who don't think they are. So what's the difference here?

07.03.014

Charlie: Well, you and Father are likely a good deal more intelligent than the others. [To the others] No offense!

07.03.015

Rudyard: Not to mention that I'm now a lot younger than I remember being, and also that your mother told me I was dead. She was usually right about everything.

Deuce: And I distinctly remember having my brains eaten. [Shrugs] That's not the sort of thing you normally just bounc back from.

07.03.016

Charlie: Perhaps the rest of you died in unremarkable ways? [Looks at Lucy and then laughs nervously] Though, not so much you, of course.

07.03.017

Lucy: [Gives Charlie a cold look] Unlike you who, I'm sure, are entirely unremarkable in every way.

Angela: My last memory is being in Apraxia. I was crossing Main St on the way to get some of those delicious pastries that Jordan used to like so much.


;;; Dom? Drew? Are you guys around?

07.03.018

Charlie: [To Angela] Oh, dear. And you remember nothing after that? Perhaps you were knocked down by a carriage?


;;;And now I'm out for a couple of hours. Poor lonely Conor!

07.03.019

Austin : Can we focus here please! We are clearly all alive, even though nearly all of us has been dead at least once. Our top priority is to find someone qualified to perform a marriage registration. Lucy and I cannot afford to wait.


;;; sorry, was out yesterday. All day meetings. Poor quality sandwich

and bring your own tea. Academia is going down hill fast!

07.03.020

Alice: Oh! How exciting! [To Lucy] You must be ever so excited about the wedding night. [Lowers her voice] I understand that it doesn't hurt all that much.

Lucy: [To Austin] Did she suffer some sort of brain damage?


;;; Outrageous!

07.03.021

Austin : Yes, Trindle has been warping her brain to make her like the woman he desires. Far more devastating than normal frontal lobe brain damage.

07.03.022

Lucy: It seems like you ought to be able to exploit that in some way.

07.03.023

Charlie: [Sheepishly] Well, we HAVE tried, but it has a way of not quite working to plan.

07.03.024

Deuce: Give it time. The last guy she married didn't come out of it too well!

07.03.025

Charlie: Well, we haven't all the time in the world, I'm afraid! We are under some pressure to recover the prophecy. [Excited] Deuce, you wouldn't happen to know where would find a copy?!

07.03.026

Deuce: The prophecy? I thought we already had it and used it to stop Clementine from destroying the world?

07.03.027

Charlie: Indeed we did, but our copy was incomplete, as it turns out! Have you heard nothing about it?

07.03.028

Deuce: No! Then again, I have been dead for a while. If anyone knows, I bet it's that HARMA bitch. They did try to steal all The Books and all.


;;; out for 1.5 hours!

07.03.029

Dur: You mean the one that Austin had that fling with?

07.03.030

Austin : A fling? [Tuts] I'd hardly call a year in a hell dimension 'a fling'. It was more like warfare.

07.03.031

07.03.032

Lucy: Who is this whore?

07.03.033

Clint: Oh, she's some cold, unfeeling HARMA person by the name of Amelia. She doesn't have your warm, cuddly personality. [Winks at Dominique when Lucy isn't looking.]

07.03.034

Austin : [To Lucy] She's not a whore, sweetheart. She is a girl I fought beside in Mistoheusto, a dungeon dimension.

07.03.035

Last from Dom 34

Lucy: And what is the name of this...

Dominique: [Smiling at Clint] Jezebel?

07.03.036

Austin : No. Her name is Amelia.

07.03.037

Charlie: [Disapprovingly] And she is MOST unhelpful.

07.03.038

Austin : Apart from when she is saving us from prison and or death. That is quite helpful.

07.03.039

07.03.040

Austin : [Claps his hands] Let's try and keep some focus here! We need to find a registrar, and then stop Trindle from upsetting the balance of power any further, aka, save the realms!

07.03.041

Clint: It's not just you, doc!

07.03.042

Deuce: I agree with Austin. Let's find someone to marry him to Louise as soon as possible. She's way nicer than Amelia. Damned dirty book burning bitch.

Lucy: [Coldly to Deuce] My name is Lucy.

Alice: Surely you want to get married in a church, Austin?

07.03.043

Austin : What? [Looks confused. Then winks at Alice] Oh, good idea, but we don't really have time for that, and it didn't go so well the last time. We will have to simply stick to getting married. [To Lucy] What is your preference, darling?

07.03.044

Clint: Well, whatever it is, let's make it snappy! We've got a world to save and all that. I'd say you should have Phili marry you, but...

07.03.045

Lucy: It certainly won't be a church. And let me remind you, Austin, sections 7B, 8C and 10D all expressly forbid extra-marital affairs without the prior written agreement and subsequent involvement of the other party. [To the party] Take us to the registrar! [Clicks her fingers] Quickly!

07.03.046

Charlie: [To Lucy, helpfully] Well, he did think you were on a break, in a manner of speaking, when you were dead.

07.03.047

Alice: It's just like me and Jordie getting together when Deucie was gone, right, Jordan?

[No answer. The party look around, JORDAN and ANGELA are gone.]

Alice: Hey!

07.03.048

Charlie: Oh, for--surely this is no time for indulging in carnal pleasures! [Primly] The time for that is late at night under the cover of dark, after Alice has fallen asleep and no one can hear anything over Clint's snoring in the next room! [Laughs awkwardly] I mean, in theory!

07.03.049

Deuce: [Laughs] I know what you mean!

Alice: Hey!

07.03.050

Charlie: Well, we had better make sure they are uninjured, given what an odd place this is. [Calls out] Hello?! Jordan?


;;; Deuce is such a freak! How I've missed him!

07.03.074

Alice: I'm sure I don't know what you're talking about!

[The door is opened by FATHER BLISS COOPER, a somewhat rough looking priest with a cheeserette hanging out of his mouth]

Bliss: 'sup?

07.03.067

Charlie: [Shakes her head decisively] They do not usually gravitate toward governmental offices. They tend to prefer mayhem and chaos and such. [To Lucy, modestly] I am something of an expert on demonology.

07.03.056

Clint: Chuck, given the lawyer's luck with weddings, maybe we'd better stick around for this!

07.03.063

Clint: [Glances at Lucy.] Frankly, Sarge, I'm not sure we're getting the better end of that deal!

07.03.062

Charlie: Indeed, and hopefully we shall have no more of that Amelia creature after this!

07.03.057

Alice: And not just Austin! [Points to Charlie] Fiance killed her father, [to Clint] fiancee ran off with ex-best friend, [points to herself] fiance had brain eaten by demon PLUS had to eat a demon's brain.

Rudyard: Really?

Alice: Well, I didn't *have* to. Anyway, [points at Dur] married a demon that smells almost as bad as Clint! I think it's fair to say that we haven't had the best luck at weddings. But that's all about to change. Let the word go out that there will never be another death at a Queens View wedding again!

07.03.071

Charlie: [Hedges] Well, I never knew you, to be fair, but anyone is better than Amelia! [Claps her hands] Now, let us get on with it so we may be on our way!

07.03.069

Austin : [Chuckles] Oh, how I have missed your blisteringly sharp wit [Kisses Lucy]

07.03.058

Clint: Haw! When you put it like that, Bimbo, maybe we should put off the lawyer's wedding until we can get reinforcements!

07.03.068

Lucy: It must be in your blood.

07.03.061

Alice: We can think of it as a trial run for when Jerome and I get married!

Deuce: Married? You can't be serious! That's crazy!

Alice: Look, Deuce, it might seem crazy, cold, and sure, a little too much like getting into bed with a dead body, but Austin loves her!

07.03.060

ur wedding was lovely.

Dur: [Cheerfully to Austin] Still want to get married?

07.03.070

Alice: We all preferred you to Amelia, Loos!

07.03.075

Clint: [Nods to Lucy and Austin.] Those two need to get married, pronto, so we can get on with our lives and save the world!

07.03.072

Alice: Hopefully there'll be a priest there who can bless the marriage. We wouldn't want it to be an abomination in god's eyes, now, would we? [Knocks on the registrar's door]

07.03.065

Clint: The rest of us can just wait out here so we can fight off the hordes of... whatever tries to stop you from getting married this time.

07.03.064

Austin : [Beginning to loose patience with all the chatter] Of course I want to marry her! [Stomps his foot. Calms down. To Lucy, nodding towards the registrars office, offers Lucy his arm] Shall we?


;;; sorry, crazy day, and probably another tomorrow

;;; Conor, please feel free to make so Aus posts tomorrow :)

07.03.073

s on the registrar's door]

Dur: I don't know Alice. Judging by his recent taste, it seems like this might be right up Phili's alley.=20

07.03.066

Alice: [As Lucy takes Austin's arm] What if the horde is inside?

07.03.053

Dur: But what's a marriage without threatening those close to your betrothed? Absurd , that's what that is!


;;; Here I come to save the day! [Yes I was really singing it!]

07.03.054

Rudyard: Where on earth will we find a registrar in this goodforsaken town? It's not like it was in my day, where you'd find one down every str- oh look, there's one! [Points to a building]

07.03.055

Charlie: Right! [To Austin] You go on and break poor Amelia's [slightly dubiously] heart? I shall go find Mother and see what she has learned about the prophecy!

07.03.052

Charlie: [To Lucy] Do refrain from threatening our colleagues! We are trying to make your dream wedding come true, after all!


;;; That's my three.

07.03.051

Rudyard: He must be back in the hotel. Will we go back and get him?

Lucy: We certainly will not! I've already had one wedding ruined by having been murdered half an hour before a ceremony. I certainly won't let it happen again.

Alice: You could say that it will only happen over your dead body!

Lucy: [Narrows her eyes] It's more likely to happen over yours.

07.03.059

Charlie: [Sniffs] Actually, Pestilence and I were already married when he hacked Father to death with an axe, I think you'll find! [Sighs happily] Our wedding was lovely.

07.03.076

Bliss: Well come on in then! [To Alice] Alice!

Alice: [Blushes] Er, hello Fr. Cooper!

07.03.077

Charlie: [To Alice, surprised] You know this man?

07.03.078

Alice: No! I never met him before in my life!

07.03.079

Charlie: [To Bliss] Could you perform a quick wedding ceremony for us? [Nods at Austin and Lucy] These lovebirds are quite excited and ready to take the matrimonial plunge, so to speak.

07.03.080

Austin : [Taking Lucy by the hand] We are in a bit of a rush.

07.03.081

Bliss: No problem, Chastity is already here.

07.03.082

Austin : Chassers! Wow, where?

07.03.083

Charlie: How splendid! It will be a delightful reunion of the group. [Hesitates] Oh, dear. How could she know we would be here? Could she be [discreetly makes a cut-throat motion]

07.03.084

reetly >makes a cut-throat motion]

Dur: Perhaps that stick up her bum finally did her in?

07.03.085

Deuce: Ah! What a way to go!

Bliss: Chastity is in the chapel, getting ready for the ceremony -- she has some preparations to make, but should be done before Peter has the wedding dress done.

07.03.086

Dur: Soooo.... uhhhh..... you really were expecting us?

07.03.087

Charlie: [Ghoulishly delighted] Peter Deadpan might be dead?!

07.03.088

Clint: [Also delighted.] Well hey, this just keeps getting better and better!

07.03.089

Dominique: [To Clint] Hey! You better be joking about Peter!

Bliss: Of course we weren't expecting you. As soon as Peter and Chastity heard you were getting married, they wanted to be involved!

07.03.090

Clint: [Gives Dominique an apologetic look while thinking quickly.] It's just that it's great that our old friend can be here for such a joyous occasion, that's all... Chas too!

07.03.091

Charlie: But how could they know about this occasion when we only set it in motion moments ago?!

07.03.091

ion, that's all... >Chas too!

Dur: But we just now told you about it!

07.03.092

Last from Heather and Kevin

Bliss: Come on in and share the joy! [Steps back to let them in]

07.03.093

Clint: [Gallantly offers Dominique his arm.] Shall we? [Steps inside.]

07.03.094

Last from Tom

Dominique: Certainly!

Bliss: I like the new look Alice.

Alice: [Enters] I don't know who this guy is.

07.03.095

Charlie: [Follows Alice] Indeed, this is all most extraordinary! Perhaps Sister Chastity will be able to provide some answers?

07.03.096

Clint: [Nods.] If I know Chas, she'll provide more than just answers...

07.03.097

Austin : The only one missing is the Colonel. [Passable impersonation of Harvey] What!


;;; random amounts of post today!

07.03.098

Deuce: Let's do this thing.

[Enter ALL, through the door.]

07.04.001

[Book IX, Act VII, Scene IV. The Little Chapel o' Love. ALICE, AUSTIN, CHARLIE, CLINT, DUR, DEUCE, LUCY, RUDYARD, DOMINIQUE and BLISS arrive. It is a tasteless Vegas-style trashy, over the top pink everything that is so luridly bright that several of the party members put on shades.]

Alice: Isn't this the most beautiful thing you've ever seen?

07.04.002

Charlie: [Shades her eyes and wrinkles her nose] No, it is positively horrid! [To Austin] Really, Mr. Sleaze, is this how you envisioned this special day?

07.04.002

Austin : [Does a double take at Alice] Back to your old self for a change. [Grimaces at the d=C3=A9cor] It will have to do I suppose. [Puts on a large pair of shades, matching Lucy's]

07.04.003

Alice: You people have no souls.

Bliss: Isn't it great? Normally we have a Pelvis impersonator do the wedding, but Chastity has some special vows for you guys.

07.04.004

Charlie: [Unconvincingly] Won't that be--nice? [Looks around] Where is Sister Chastity?

07.04.005

[Enter SISTER CHASTITY BROWNE.]

Chastity: Ah! There they are! The happy couple! [Beams at the party] What a happy occasion! How wonderful to see you all. [Looks the party up and down] Just arrived? Not had a chance to change yet?

07.04.006

Charlie: [Smiles] Hello, Sister! Yes, we have only just arrived. How long have you been expecting us?

07.04.007

Dur: And what has happened to you since we parted ways?

07.04.008

Chastity: Oh, just a few minutes, I think, dear. [Looks at Charlie] I certainly hope you're married, young lady. [To Dur] I set up a house of prayer for young ladies who had fallen victim to sin and wicked ways. I assumed it was only a matter of time before Alice found her way there.

Alice: Hey!

Chastity: I see you have improved somewhat, dear. I certainly hope it isn't part of some tawdry, disgusting sex game.

07.04.009

Dur: [Dryly] Prepare to be disappointed.

07.04.010

Austin : [To Chastity] Good to see you again. I hear that you have prepared personal vows for Lucy and I, which was terribly kind of you. May I see them?

07.04.011

Chastity: Of course not, you silly man! I don't want you interfering with something so holy and solemn! [To Lucy] Come, dear, let's see if we can fit you into that dress.

Bliss: I'll get the churchin' stuff together. Why don't you guys have a bit of an old pray? Alice, I'll see you later.

[CHASTITY smoothly escorts LUCY out of the chapel, followed by BLISS.]

Alice: [Blushing, turns to Deuce] I don't know what he's talking about!

07.04.013

Alice: Is she the real Chastity? I mean, Deucie, you're the real Deuce, right?

Deuce: [Thinks] Crazed desire for ham? Check. [Feels the size of his head] Unusually large head? Check. [Rubs his behind] Superbly contoured ass? Check. [Shrugs] I don't know, Puddin' Pop, I certainly feel real.

Alice: [Rubs Deuce's ass] To me too.

07.04.012

Charlie: Indeed, little of this makes sense. I fail to understand how Chastity would know we were coming here, let alone be prepared for a wedding. [To Austin] Mr. Sleaze, I know this is difficult, but I suggest we leave at once.

07.04.013

Austin : [Sighs] Truly, your jealousy knows no bounds! Besides, we can't leave without Lucy. [Goes to the exit that Lucy left by to see if he can see where they went]

07.04.014

Charlie: [Urgently] This is not about jealousy, but rather caution! What if this is some sort of horrific demonic soul-binding ceremony, and not a wedding at all?!

07.04.015

Deuce: Can't it be both?

[AUSTIN pulls open the door but LUCY is not to be found.]

Dominique: It does seem a little strange that Chastity got here so quickly, doesn't it?

07.04.016

Austin : It is all strange. All those we know that died, newly back from the dead, all here in one place. It was Trindle that murdered Lucy, perhaps he is trying to undo all of that?

07.04.017

Clint: If he is, he'd better stop! [Smiles apologetically at Dominique.] He's not very good at this not messing with the balance thing, is he?


;;; Sorry all. Sunday night's insomnia apparently caught up to me this

morning!

07.04.018

Dominique: He doesn't seem to be!

Deuce: He didn't kill me, though, did he? Nor Rud. Maybe it's not Jerome?

07.04.018

Dominique: He doesn't seem to be!

Deuce: He didn't kill me, though, did he? Nor Rud. Maybe it's not Jerome?

07.04.019

Clint: If there's one thing that I learned from my years of travelling with Chastity, it's that when in doubt, blame god!

07.04.020

Deuce: That certainly seems to be the case now!


;;; Stuck in a meeting until at least FOUR!

07.04.021

Charlie: Yes, and he has been rather badly behaved of late!


;;; Poor old Conor!

07.04.022

Austin : [Deadpan] Perhaps we should call his mother so that she can keep him in lone. [Looks around] Where is Peter?

07.04.023

Clint: Maybe he's busy organizing the wedding reception?

07.04.024

Deuce: Peter Deadpan? Oh man, I love that guy!

Rudyard: Isn't he great? He introduced me to wife! He even made her dress for the wedding -- I bet he's working on Lucy's one.

07.04.025

Charlie: [Looks ill] Peter Deadpan introduced my parents?! I have him to thank for my very life?

07.04.026

Rudyard: He was your favourite babysitter! You two were so cute together.

07.04.027

Charlie: [Shudders] Dear GOD! [Composes herself] Now, group, I do think we should consider leaving this place and finding Mother before we do anything rash. One does not wish to legally bind Mr. Sleaze before obtaining all the facts, true?

07.04.028

Austin : [To Charlie, alarmed] You may stand at the back where you are not in the way, and applaud at the appropriate moments.

07.04.029

Alice: It does all seem a little weird, Aus, you must admit?

[Enter PETER DEADPAN, strolling along the corridor that LUCY went up.]

Peter: [With a huge smile] Hi everyone! It's great to see you all!

07.04.030

Austin : Peter! What a delightful surprise! How did you know that we were coming?

07.04.031

Peter: Chassers told me! It's really keen to see everyone! [Gives Alice a hug] Hiya, sweetie!

Alice: Help! What's he doing?


;;; Gone for the day!

07.04.032

Clint: [Suspiciously.] Who are you and what have you done with the real Peter?

07.04.033

Austin : [Very sad] I thought you were Peter Deadpan, not some impostor!

07.04.034

Peter: I am Peter Deadpan! What's up? Come on guys, we're all buddies!

07.04.036

Peter: Of course I do! Everyone loves Peter!

Alice: I don't, he's totally obnoxious.

07.04.037

Austin : [To Peter] He is adorable, and you are neither Peter nor adorable.

07.04.039

Charlie: [Nods] Indeed, perhaps we should rethink this wedding plan, given that things are obviously not quite right here!

07.04.038

Peter: Do I sense some pre-wedding jitters?


;;; Drew is out for a few months, so please make sure

;;; he's off the list

07.04.040

Peter: Yes! I'll get the shotgun, we need this to happen asap!

07.04.041

Charlie: [Alarmed] Er, right! You run find the shotgun, and we shall watch Mr. Sleaze!

07.04.042

Austin : [To Charlie] If you must! [Tuts] I should sell tickets, I'd make a fortune.

07.04.043

07.04.035

Charlie: [Skeptically] You do not SOUND like Peter Deadpan.

07.04.044

Peter: Because everyone should share in the joy of being happily married!

07.04.045

Charlie: But the important part is that they be [finger quotes] happily married, is it not? [To Austin, urgently] Do you not wish to reflect a bit about this rash move?

07.04.046

Austin : Rash? The wedding started four years ago! What I am worried about is that this is clearly not Peter! It's more like a Peter created by Trindle!

07.04.047

Alice: Rash? You mean, Lucy has [whispers] an infection?

Peter: [Laughs] Oh, Austin! You do talk such nonsense! Still, if it's what makes you happy, I'll wait outside until after the wedding.

[Exit PETER.]

07.04.048

Charlie: Then WHY isn't is just possible this is a Lucy created by Trindle, as well?!

07.04.049

Austin : It's possible that all of the previously deceased we have met recently were recreated by Trindle, as well as he could. Of course, Peter may never have been dead, so that may be why he is nothing like Peter, but a poor imitation instead.

07.04.051

[Enter CHASTITY, now dressed in dazzlingly white robes.]

Chastity: Don't just stand there! Get into proper church positions!

[Clearly, no one has any idea what that means.]

Chastity: Good grief! You bunch of heathens! Into the church and start pretending you believe!

07.04.050

Charlie: True, I suppose it is true we have no reason to believe Peter is dead. Well, if you are set on getting married today, then let us proceed! [Eagerly digs through a knapsack and offers Austin a brand-new, pocket-sized blue notepad still in shrink-wrap] Here, it is something new AND blue! [Quickly] And borrowed--I shall need it back!

07.04.052

Clint: [On his way into the church.] Say, Chas, tell us something only you would know. [Shrugs.] Peter's being nice, and it's creeping us out!

07.04.053

Chastity: Let's see... my second husband, George, was a big fan of crocheting. [Proudly] He could knock out a bonnet in an hour.

[Nobody is in the least bit impressed.]

Alice: How big was this bonnet?

Chastity: Big enough to fit over an Irishman's head.

[Everyone gasps in amazement and break into a polite round of applause.]

07.04.054

Clint: Well, I'm convinced! Okay, lawyer, let's get you married up so we can get on with things!

07.04.055

Alice: Sure, but who does what? I mean, we need a best man, and it clearly can't be Stinky or Dur. Maybe Deuce? He could lend the right sort of gravitas to the situation.

Deuce: [Looks up from a large ham that he's chomping on] Huh? Sure! I'd love to, Aus!

07.04.056

Austin : Thank you. However, there are too many anomalies for this to be so straight forward. Chastity is not behaving like the Chastity I remember, neither is Peter, he is not nearly as funny, in fact, he's not funny at all!

07.04.057

Alice: I don't know, Aus, I never thought Peter was funny, and Chastity? Well, she seems as mean as ever!

Deuce: So what do you want, Aus? Do it less straightforward? I can do that. [To the party] I once had to go to a wedding wearing a bridesmaid's dress.

Dominique: Really?

Deuce: Well, I didn't have to.

07.04.058

Clint: [Slowly.] So what you're saying is that we should have Peter and Chas switch outfits first?

07.04.059

Deuce: No! That would be crazy! I mean it should be you and Dominique.

Dominique: [To Clint] I'm game if you are.

Alice: Please! This is most unbecoming! And in a church of all places! On a Friday! At 2PM! Oh my good heck!

07.04.060

Clint: See, lawyer? If Alice isn't proof that people can change, what is? Does it really matter if you get married by a pod person?

07.04.061

Dur: [Coughs] I think we are overlooking an even more obvious solution here. I AM an ordained cleric after all and am perfectly qualified to perform a= wedding well away from these stressful surroundings...

07.04.062

Charlie: [Quickly] Oh GOD, no! You'd kill them both!

07.04.063

Clint: It's a wedding, not a surgery, Chuck! How bad could it be?

07.04.064

[Everyone turns and looks at DUR's hopeful face, lit up with promise and expectation.]

Alice: We're all going to die, aren't we?

I Have A Contract Worth 5.2 Million USD To Transact With You, If You Are Interested And For More Information Kindly reply back

07.04.065

Chastity: Only if Dur is the one who says the ceremony!

07.04.066

Charlie: [Wisely, patting Dur's head] Indeed, perhaps we should leave such delicate work to the professionals.

07.04.067

Dur: I thought we were looking for other options because this group of 'professionals' were making us nervous?=20

07.04.068

Alice: Nervous, yes. Reckless and foolhardy? Probably. Desperate? Not really. [To Austin] You're the one who wants to get married, Aus. What do you want to do?

07.04.069

Austin : Right now Dur's offer is most welcome. I really don't want to know what twisted vows Chastity has come up with. They will undoubtedly be unacceptable by either of us.

;; sorry for late post ... long day

07.04.070

Charlie: [To Dur] All right, you have the job! [Worriedly] Now, you DO know the wedding ceremony need not involve surgical instruments of any kind, right?

07.04.071

Deuce: Other than the scalpel for the castration part, eh? Amiright?

07.04.072

Austin : [Sternly] If it involves anything apart from those things necessary for it to be legally binding it's not happening.

07.04.073

Charlie: Right, then! Let us go obtain the necessary paperwork and such.

07.04.075

[Enter BLISS, with a big smile on his face.]

Bliss: Right! Lucy's ready! [Looks at Austin's wad] Ah! You've got your own forms? Great!

07.04.074

Austin : [Flourishes a wad of papers] I already have them. I just need Lucy. [Looks around, frustrated] Let's go and find her, somethings wrong!

07.04.076


;;; Kevin is out today and tomorrow

Dur: Let's get this thing going! Where's the bride?

07.04.077

Austin : [Looks around for Lucy] Not sure. [To Bliss] Where is Lucy?

07.04.078

Charlie: Drafting a pre-nuptial agreement, one assumes?

07.04.079

[Enter LUCY, looking ravishing in a super fussy wedding dress.]

Alice: Wow! That Peter sure can sew!

07.04.081

Lucy: I know. [Hands Austin a wad of forms] My pre-nupt.

07.04.082

Charlie: [Tries to get a peek] I shall take a look and advise you, Mr. Sleaze! You know what they say about those who represent themselves in legal proceedings!

07.04.080

Austin : [Startled. To Lucy] You look amazing!

07.04.083


;;; Tom's away this week

Clint: Yeah, they're almost as foolish as people who want to get married! [Looks at Dominique] Er, not if it was you, though.

Dominique: Oh, calm down, Bumpy, I'm not going to try and marry you -- yet!

Clint: [Offers Lucy his arm] Right. If we're gonna do this, let's do it right. I'll give her away.

Lucy: [Eyes up Clint] I think I'll have someone less filthy do it.

07.04.084

Charlie: I am afraid Mr. Sleaze is currently our only clean male member, but I should be honored to step in, if you like. [Offers Lucy her arm]

07.04.085

Austin : [Takes Lucy's prenuptial, and hands his to her.] Thank you darling. [Swiftly checks the prenuptial for any changes since he last saw it]

07.04.085

Lucy: [Takes her arm] You'll do, I suppose. You do have a certain masculinity about you.

Dur: [Stands at the top of the church] Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to pay our final respects to the deceased, insert name here. [Looks up and beams at the congregation]

Chastity: [Watching from the back, clearly unhappy] Amateur!

07.04.086

Lucy: [Quickly scans through Austin's prenupt] Mm. Nice work, Austin. Very nice! [Signs it with a flourish, and throws it over her back like a bouquet]

Alice: [Dashes to catch the prenupt, knocking people out of the way] I got it!

07.04.087

Austin : [Signs the prenuptial, and puts it in his satchel] Let's party!

07.04.088

Dur: Great! Where's the coffin?

07.04.089

Austin : This is a wedding, not a funeral! You do the 'join together this man and this woman in holy matrimony' bit! You do know the speech?

07.04.090

Dur: Of course I know the speech! What do you think I am! [Thumbs through the book] Ah! Here we are. [To Lucy] Do you, Lucy George Angel take this man to be your lawfully wedded lawyer?

Lucy: Yes.

Dur: [To Austin] Ring?

07.04.091

Austin : [Puts on a pair of sunglasses, then gets out a ring with a diamond so large it out sparkles all of the glitter balls in the church] Ring.

07.04.092


;;; Heather is out for a few hours

Charlie: [Shielding her eyes] Good Lord! It is larger than an Irishman's head!

Lucy: [Pops in a jeweller's eyepiece and examines the ring] Tolerable. [Gives a flicker of a smile]

Dur: And do you, Austin Mary Sleaze, take this lawyer to be your lawfully wedded...

[Everyone is distracted by the sound of someone banging on a large window high up. It is SVEN.]

Sven: [Bangs on the window] Auuuuuusten! [Rattles the window] Austin! Austin!

07.04.093

Austin : [Sighs] What is it Sven? Please do come in, you nearly missed the wedding!

07.04.094

Lucy: Forget him! [To Dur] Get on with it!

07.04.095

Charlie: Don't be silly! It will only take a moment. [To Sven] What is it, Mr. Goring?

07.04.096

Sven: You gotta get out of there! All of you!

07.04.097

Charlie: [Gasps] Oh, dear! [To the others] Hurry, let us evacuate at once!

07.04.098

Austin : [To Dur] Yes! [To Lucy kissing her] Let's get the hell out of here!

07.04.099

Dur: Wait! She has to put a ring on you first!

Sven: Don't do it! Don't do it!

07.04.100

Austin : [Stops before he puts the ring on. Stomps his foot. Furious, shouting] Why not?

07.04.101

Sven: Because it's not real. None of it is!

Bliss: Ignore him, Austin! Come on, do it!

07.04.102

Charlie: Austin, he must be right, and you know it! [To Rud] Daddy, tell him! Lucy isn't real!

07.04.103

Deuce: Lucy isn't real! [Looks embarrassed] Er, sorry, Rud.

Rud: [Looks from Deuce to Charlie] Hm. I think she's right, Austin.

Lucy: Austin, please! [Tears well up in her eyes] It's not true! I am real!

07.04.104

Charlie: [To Austin, urgently] Please, we must leave at once!

07.04.105

Austin : [To Lucy] Of course you are real babe. [Gives her a big kiss. To all] Let's get the hell out of here [Takes Lucy with him]

07.04.106

[Everyone runs towards the door leading out of the church.]

Bliss: No! Don't listen to him! [Slams the door]

07.04.107

Dur: Too late bub! We smelt something fishy and it ain't Clint this time! [Tries to shove Bliss aside] =20

07.04.108

[DUR roughly pushes BLISS to the side, but he punches DUR back.]

Bliss: Uh-uh! No one leaves!

07.04.109

Charlie: [Angrily] How dare you! Let us out at once, or we shall be forced to fight you.

07.04.110

Bliss: I don't think you want to do that.

07.04.111

Charlie: Of course we do not, but we will pass without incident. And you will cease manhandling our colleagues! [Pats Dur's head protectively]

07.04.112

Bliss: Remember the prophecy! Lucy will die again unless Austin marries her!

[SVEN rattles the window once more, and the party can see that HELENA, CHARLIE's mother, is with him.]

Helena: Don't listen to him!

07.04.112

Austin : [To Bliss] Please stand aside, otherwise you will be charged and arrested for kidnapping.

07.04.113

Austin : The Prophecy only said that she would dies the first time, it mentioned nothing of resurrection and dieing a second time.

07.04.114

Bliss: She'll die and she'll keep dying. Only you can stop it from happening!

Clint: Out of the way, bub. [Punches Bliss and knocks him down] That was the most fun punching a priest I've had in ages!

07.04.115

Dur: Better him than me! [Makes for the door]

07.04.116

[The party burst out of the church, followed by RUD, DEUCE and DOMINIQUE. CHASTITY is waiting outside.]

Chastity: Stop this at once!

[They dash out the front door.]


;;; End of scene, next one coming right up

07.05.001

[Book IX, Act VII, Scene V. The Streets of Nostalgia. ALICE, AUSTIN, CHARLIE, CLINT, DUR, LUCY, DOMINIQUE, DEUCE and RUDYARD race out of the chapel, where SVEN and HELENA wait in a running carriage.]

Helena: Quickly! [Points at Rud] But not him!

07.05.002

Charlie: [To Helena, grabbing Rud's arm] Mother, you can't be serious!

07.05.003

Helena: I'm dead serious, Charlotte.

Rud: She's right, Charlie.


;;; And... pause! Until Tuesday March 4th!

07.05.004


;;; And we're back, just barely on the date advertised!!

Sven: They're all dead.

07.05.005

Austin : Are you including Lucy? How is it that Lucy seems to be very very much alive?

07.05.006

Sven: It's just a trick!

Lucy: He's lying, Austin. You know he is!

07.05.007

Dur: If only there were some way we could confirm who was telling the truth!

07.05.008

Deuce: Well, given that the priest and the nun are charging out here with weapons, we should be able to guess!

[CHASTITY and FATHER BLISS race out of the church towards the party.]

07.05.009

Dur: Well, I'm convinced! Perhaps we should get away from here then?=20

07.05.010

Charlie: [Gasps] Indeed! [To Rud, nearly overcome] Oh, Father! I wish. . . .

07.05.011

Rud: You wish your psychopathic husband didn't kill me? Yeah! Me too! [Grabs for Charlie]

07.05.012

Clint: Uhh... [Looks over to make sure Dominique hasn't gone psycho on him.]

07.05.013

Dominique: Help her, Clint!


;;; Heather's afk

Charlie: [Pushes him back] Father! Please!

07.05.014

Clint: [Pleased.] Hey! [Steps up to push Rud away from Charlie.] Hands off the geek!

07.05.015

[CLINT pushes RUD backwards, and CHARLIE leaps onto the carriage.]

Sven: Come on! The rest of you too!

Lucy: Quickly, Austin! Before they catch us! [Looks fearfully on the oncoming Chastity and Sven]

07.05.016

Austin : [Sweeps Lucy into the carriage and gets in behind her] Let's go!

07.05.017

Clint: [Helps Dominique up into the carriage and then moves to get between the oncoming Bliss and the rest of the group.] And make it snappy, guys!

07.05.018

Sven: They can't come, guys!

Alice: [Also leaping on] And Deucie! He needs to come too!

Deuce: Sorry, Pixie Styx, but he's right. [Steps back, but suddenly looks enraged] You dumb bitch! You were never more than third choice for me!

07.05.019

Clint: [Moves to push Deuce away from Alice.] Hey! You don't get to talk to Alice that way, just because you got yourself killed.


;;; Deuce got cranky after he died!

07.05.020

Dur: As hard as it may seem, I think your deceased lovers will have to staybehind!

07.05.021

Clint: Not unless they go crazy they won't!

07.05.022

Lucy: He's right! Now, drive! [Grabs the whip and smacks the horses]

[The carriage roars off, with ALICE, AUSTIN, CHARLIE, CLINT, DUR, SVEN, GERTRUDE, DOMINIQUE and LUCY on it.]

Alice: [Fighting back some tears] That's definitely not Deucie! He'd never say something like that. I was always at least second choice!

07.05.023

Austin : Well, Dominique and Lucy are clearly real. [Gives Lucy a passionate kiss]

07.05.026

Lucy: [Returns the kiss as passionately] Too right!

[The kiss goes on and on.]

Sven: We better get under cover.

07.05.027

Charlie: [Nods] I quite agree. One prefers not to be associated with such crass public displays of affection.

07.05.028

Helena: [Sniffs haughtily] Quite.

[The carriage zooms down a tiny alleyway and races towards a wall, which is covered in a huge poster advertising "Nostalgic Holidays. Take a step into yesteryear", and which is adorned with all sorts of kitschy historical pictures.]

Alice: We're all gonna die!

07.05.029

Charlie: [Sagely] Tackiness never killed anyone. [Nods subtly at Alice]

07.05.030

Alice: But crashing into walls has!

[The carriage continues its journey towards the wall. Any second now it'll hit it.]

07.05.031

Austin : [Finished snogging with a huge pop as he detaches] Who the hell is driving?

07.05.032

Charlie: [Tries to grab the wheel to steer away from the wall] Brace yourselves!

07.05.033

Sven: I am!

[The carriage hits the poster, which turns out to be just that, a poster covering a hole in the wall. The carriage plunges into a very narrow passage.]

Alice: What the h - e - double hockeysticks are you doing, Sven?

Sven: Trying to hide!

07.05.034

Austin : I hope you have another poster! [Kisses Lucy passionately again]

07.05.035

[SVEN jams on the brakes and the carriage skids to a halt. Mercifully breaking LUCY and AUSTIN apart.]

Sven: We'll be safe here for a while.

Helena: But what about.. [nods to Lucy and Dominique]

07.05.036

Clint: They'll be safe too!

07.05.037

Dur: But are we safe with Lucy hanging around us or is she going to go out of control like Deuce did?

07.05.038

Clint: Haw! If there's one thing we can say about Lucy, it's that she's never out of control! [Stands protectively by Dominique, a little shyly.]

07.05.039

Charlie: [To Dominique, warily] The fact that you are not passing out from Mr. Scar's odor suggests you might not be alive!

07.05.040

Dominique: I think he smells very manly! I wouldn't want my husband to smell any other way!

07.05.041

Austin : [To Sven] So, what was all that about? Who were they if not the genuine articles?

07.05.042

Sven: Not who, but what. Tools of a demon who is trapped beneath Nostalgia.

07.05.043

Charlie: [Excited] Oh, how interesting! Can you describe the demon? Perhaps I've met--uh, studied it!

07.05.044

Austin : [Raises an eyebrow at Charlie's comment. To Sven] What is it called?

07.05.045

Alice: Oh, poor confused Charlie. Always [finger quotes] studying demons.

Sven: Balkline Groot.


;;; Some of the party (Alice, Clint and Austin) met Balkline way back

in Book 3, Act 7, Scene 9

;;; on the way back from The Interior. He was trapped underground and

tried to get the party

;;; to help him. They almost did, but realised they were being

tricked, and trapped him there

;;; apparently forever.

07.05.046

Clint: [Surprised as hell.] Hey! I know that guy! He's a real jerk!


;;; Sorry all. Guess which idiot forgot to turn his alarm clock on?

07.05.046

Charlie: [Intrigued] Oooh, I read the file about him. How thrilling! Perhaps I can get an interview with him before we defeat him?

07.05.047

Helena: Certainly not! He's a mind reader, and all these... temptations that we see are to trap us here.

07.05.048

Clint: He's a sore loser then, too, what with the whole temptations going all psycho on us thing and all.

07.05.049

Austin : [To Lucy, sinisterly] Have you been a naughty girl?


;;; awa hame :)

07.05.050

Lucy: Of course I have, Austin. That's why you love me. Why you married me.

07.05.051

Austin : Unfortunately we have not yet completed the marriage process. I shall not have our marriage ceremony trivialised and disrupted by demons and charlatans.


;;;out most of the day

07.05.052

Charlie: [Observing Lucy curiously] Mr. Sleaze is quite right, Miss Angel. You are yet to be wed.

07.05.053

Lucy: It is just a formality. I merely have to place the ring on his finger.

07.05.054

Clint: Well, no time like the present! I'm sure Dur could manage it. It's not like we're asking him to do brain surgery or anything.

07.05.055

Dur: Say! That is an excellent marketing strategy Mr. Scar! I'll sell them together as a packaged deal! The Wed and Head Doctor! Get married and then = have surgery to make your significant other stop all that unnecessary back talk! Some drooling may be expected....

07.05.056


;;; Dom's in and out

Austin: [Disgusted] You certainly won't be doing any surgery on me!

07.05.057

Clint: Of course not! At least, not until after he practices on Groot!

07.05.058

Charlie: Oh, that would be most thrilled! [To Dur, excited] Could I assist?!

07.05.059

Dur: Well..... I suppose you are educated enough to serve as a nurse. The question is what is your view on medical ethics?

07.05.060

Lucy: Forget Balkline! This is my wedding day!

07.05.061

Charlie: [To Dur, cannily] Against?

07.05.062

Dur: [Exuberantly] Excellent! You're hired!

07.05.063

Clint: Well, now that that's settled, what's the plan? Balkline is acting up somehow, right? Are we going to go deal with him now?

07.05.064

Helena: Not with his evil tendrils in the room with us, we won't!

07.05.065

Austin : [Well humored but a little tired of the name calling. To Lucy] I am terribly sorry sweetheart, but you are going to have to leave the room for a few minutes to prove to them that you are not an evil tendril [Laughs at the name] We can complete the ceremony and the ring exchange after that, but not before. This is a very serious matter and I shall not have it spoiled by such foolishness.

07.05.066

Lucy: I'll go, but once we're married, Austin, we'll need to have a long talk about your friends and their willingness to call me a tendril!

[Exit LUCY with a flourish.]

Dominique: You must admit, it's rather mean way to talk about someone on their wedding day.

Alice: Oh please. On her last wedding day she was hacked to pieces. This HAS to be better!

07.05.067

Austin : [Sighs dreamily] Indeed, some people are never satisfied. They always want more.

07.05.068

Clint: We're not calling Dominique here an evil tendril too, are we? I can sort of see Lucy, but...


;;; So the water in my apartment's gone out. Off to see what's up with that.

07.05.069

Charlie: We cannot know who can be trusted just now! [To Dominique] No offense, but I did send my own father packing, too, you know.


;;; Good luck, Tom!

07.05.070

Dominique: Of course! I understand! I know you have to be sure. I'll be waiting outside. [Exits]

Alice: She's ever so nice! I think we can safely assume that she's not an evil tendril.

07.05.071

Dur: If only there were a way to tell if they were truly tendrils or not. Perhaps if we operated we could determine what exactly they are...

07.05.072

Helena: I can tell you one way. Ask yourself if they are dead and if you really wanted them to be alive!

07.05.073

Dur: I have no idea if Hattie had ever died but of course I'd prefer it if she were alive!

07.05.074

Charlie: [To Austin, sadly] There is your answer, Mr. Sleaze. [To Clint] What about Dominique?

07.05.075

Alice: She's dead too, isn't she? [Looks around] I mean, we killed her, right?

07.05.076

Austin : So what? We have all been dead before, some of us several times. We need to have real proof, as this could just be a double bluff revenge by Groot, to get us to kill our nearest and dearest!

07.05.077

Helena: Did you all come back to life just at the time when your nearest and dearest all just happened to be in Nostalgia, at a time that it was being taken over by a demon notorious for bribing people with their deepest desires?

07.05.078

Austin : No, but what a great double bluff it would be!

07.05.079

Helena: Fine. Why don't you finish the wedding ceremony and put the ring on her finger?

07.05.080

Austin : [Looks sad] Because I have no proof either way.


;;;awa hame

07.05.081

Alice: If what you say is true, then why is she in such a rush to marry Austin? [To Austin] Not that you're not suitable husband material, Aus!

Sven: Marriage is power, Alice. Once they become part of each other, he's vulnerable. Like you and Bonald.

Alice: Sure didn't, I thought we were poorly matched and that his brain tasted a little off.


;;; Bonald is Alice's now dead husband, who she married in Ludosity.

07.05.082

Charlie: [Wisely] Indeed, marriage is terribly meaningful and not to be undertaken lightly or hurriedly. [To Austin, gently] You must agree that postponing, at the very least, is the wisest course?

07.05.083

Clint: Haw! Never getting married is the wisest course! And if you do, at least the iron-clad prenup!

07.05.083

Austin : I am glad that you agree, for once!


;;; awa hame now again!

07.05.084

[The door swings open. Enter PESTILENCE, carrying a paper bag and some coffees.]

Pestilence: Goooood morning! [Juts his thumb backwards] What's with all the unhappy brides?

07.05.085

Charlie: [Beams happily at Pestilence and then gasps, clutching him frantically] Oh dear GOD, you haven't died again, have you, darling?! We have met ever so many dead people today!

07.05.086

Pestilence: Of course not! Once is enough for me! [Looks at the disapproving look of Helena] Mom? It's okay to call you Mom, isn't it?

Helena: No.

Pestilence: I've got a lot to make up to you for, and I want to start now. You didn't get to see Charlie's wedding the first time around, so let's fix that. [To the party] What do you say, gang? Up for witnessing a renewal of our vows?

07.05.087

Charlie: [Uneasily] What a lovely gesture, darling, but your timing is rather extraordinary. There's no need to get into details just now, but why don't we wait until Will can be part of the ceremony? It would be awful to leave her out, don't you think?

07.05.088

Clint: Well, first you have to make her see sense about not having us all killed off. Then we can talk ceremony.

07.05.089

Pestilence: I've already spoken to her! She doesn't believe that I came back. However, once we renew the vows, then she'll believe. You know what girls are like!

07.05.090

Charlie: [Laughs awkwardly] Oh, indeed! So silly and easily led, especially our little Will. [Suddenly, to the others] RUN!

07.05.091

Clint: [Holding the line so the party can beat a hasty retreat, as usual.] Nice to see you coming to your senses about marriage, sarge!

07.05.092

Alice: [To Pestilence] So long, sucker!

[ALICE opens the door, only to be punched in the face by DOMINIQUE.]

Alice: Ow! Hey! That really hurt!


;;; Another pause! This time until Thursday next week. Off to China!

07.05.093

Dominique: No one gets in the way of my marriage!

07.05.094

Austin : [To Dominique] What about Mr Scar? Surely you should resolve that issue before attacking the secondary and tertiary issues?

07.05.095

Dominique: You people are the primary issue! You are trying to lead him astray!

07.05.096

Charlie: If we did not lead Mr. Scar around, he would like be dead in a ditch! [To Clint, brightly] No offense!

07.05.097

Clint: [Cheerfully.] None taken! 'course, with you guys, I'll probably just end up dead in a different ditch, but at least it'll be because we upset the wrong god or something.

07.05.098

the wrong >god or something.

Dur: And at least you won't die alone. It will likely be the whole lot of us in one ditch.=20

07.05.098

Sven: We can find a ditch for Clint later! Come on, let's go!

Lucy: He's right, Austin, come on, let's get out of here!

07.05.099

Clint: Right! Just... let's not find that ditch just yet. [To Charlie.] Lead on then, Sarge.

07.05.100

Sven: Asking a woman to lead you, Clint? Hah! What a joker! Come on, let's go! [Dashes out the door]

07.05.101

Austin : [To Lucy] How do you know that Sven is right?

07.05.102

Lucy: [Stops at the doorway] Because he's leading us away from Pestilence! Come on, Aus!

07.05.103

Austin : But Pestilence is an angel now!

07.05.104

Dominique: [Draws a sword and swings it at Austin] God, this guy's an idiot!

[PESTILENCE charges through the door from the room where the party were, now holding a sword.]


;;; Heather is afk

Charlie: That's not Pestilence! Come ON! [Heads out]

07.05.105

Clint: Get a move on, guys! [As usual, covering the party's frantic withdrawal.]

07.05.106

Charlie: [Urgently, sword at the ready] Hurry, group!

07.05.107

[Everyone rushes out.]


;;; End of scene, next one coming right up!

07.06.001

[Book IX, Act VII, Scene VI. The Carriage. ALICE, AUSTIN, CHARLIE, CLINT, DUR, SVEN, HELENA and LUCY are here.]

Helena: What is she doing here?

Alice: Hey! I've as much right to be here as anyone!

07.06.002

Clint: I think, Bimbo, that she means the lawyer's demonspawn bride to be.

07.06.003

Alice: I knew that!

Lucy: Austin! Don't leave me here! Please!

07.06.003

Austin : Hey! You have no proof that she's demon spawn. Your demonswpan bride to be just tried to kill me!


;;; awa hame

07.06.004

Clint: That's why we left her behind with Charlie's fake demon husband!

07.06.005

Charlie: [To Austin] Indeed, she must go! And take heart. Remember, you are already involved with that wretched HARMA woman, so you shan't be lonely for long!

07.06.006

Austin : [Sighs. Crest fallen, to Lucy] Sorry honey, it's just not the same, with you being a demon and things.

07.06.007

Lucy: But I'm not! Austin, please! If you leave me here they'll kill me!

07.06.008

Dur: [Pats Austin on the shoulder consolingly] Perhaps I can shed some light on the situation. [Dur focuses on Lucy and tries to cast DETECT EVIL]

07.06.009

Charlie: [To Lucy, kindly] It's not you, it's him. He's going through a difficult time at work and needs his space, and so forth. [To the party] Now, hurry! Let us leave this creature of darkness to her doom!

07.06.010

[LUCY begins to glow.]

Lucy: Help me, Austin! He's hurting me!

Sven: [Puts the carriage in reverse and starts zooming backwards] That was a close one!

07.06.010

Clint: Not that I have a problem with ditching her or anything, but you're awfully judgmental about being in a relationship with a demon for someone who married one!

07.06.011

Austin : [To Dur] Does that mean that she is evil, or that she is a demon, or are you simply torturing her?

07.06.012

07.06.013

Alice: So what will happen now that Balkline can't get any of us to marry him?

07.06.014

Dur: Are we convinced that this will be his only attempt? He seems pretty desperate. Hopefully he doesn't try to marry anyone close to us!

07.06.013

Charlie: [Gives Clint a dirty look] That was different! [To Alice] I suspect he will be most unhappy, so we had better find safety!

07.06.015

Alice: How do we know that none of us are fakes made by Balkline?

07.06.016

Dur: If we were, why would he need to marry one of us? Why is he trying to marry us for that matter?

07.06.017

Clint: Probably he can use it to bust out of prison here somehow.

07.06.018

Sven: Exactly! Marriage is power. Once you become part of each other, you're vulnerable. Kind of like how Alice was able to weaken Bonald.

07.06.019

Clint: Alright then, important safety tip. Thanks Sven. No one go marrying any demons for a while!

07.06.020

Dur: Vulnerable to impregnation with a demon horde for example? [Dur rubs his baby bump]

07.06.021

Sven: If you're lucky, that's all that'll happen!

07.06.022

Austin : Has it happened before?

07.06.023

Charlie: [Defensively] We married for love, not for some demonic plot to overthrow the world!

07.06.024

Austin : [Does a double take. To Charlie] What? You married Dur! When?

07.06.025

Charlie: [Laughs] Goodness, NO! I would never do such a thing! [Hesitates] Well, other than the time we were a married couple in that odd cartoony world, though that was without my consent. [To Sven, urgently] Tell me that doesn't count!!

07.06.026

Sven: That doesn't count!

Helena: Good lord! It can hardly be any worse than Pestilence, could it? [Looks at Dur] Hm, on second thoughts, perhaps Pestilence isn't quite so bad after all!

07.06.027

Austin : [To Charlie] That sounded about as close to parental approval as you can get!

07.06.028

07.06.029

Austin : Hmm, 'Secure personal demon horde'. Sounds a little paradoxical. [Shrugs] I'm sure it'll all be just fine.

07.06.030

Alice: It's probably what we told him -- you know what he's like, Aus. He'll believe anything.

Sven: Like leprechauns actually being made of chocolate?

Alice: Are they? Neat!

07.06.031

Clint: The real question is, how do we make Balkline pay for using our dead almost marrieds against us?

07.06.032

Helena: I'm not sure we can -- Jerome has caused such a tilt towards evil in the Realms that Balkline is now very powerful. As long as this tilt exists, I doubt there's anything we can do!

07.06.033

Alice: So should we just sit around in silence?

Sven: Hell no!

07.06.035

Helena: We can't find it! Balkline and his tendrils are everywhere!

07.06.035

Clint: It's why we came here, after all. Although we could just be relying too much on prophecy!

07.06.034

Charlie: [To Helena, urgently] Perhaps the prophecy can help! Did you find anything of use?

07.06.036

Helena: It's imperative we find it -- but Nostalgia is a no-go area while Jerome has everything so out of balance.

07.06.037

Charlie: Very well, where can we look next?

07.06.039

Clint: Please don't tell me our next step involves bringing more evil into the world or getting ourselves elected god or something like that!

07.06.040

Helena: Don't be absurd! [Pause] One doesn't get [finger quotes] elected god.

07.06.038

Sven: I've made a list of other possible locations where the prophecy might be. [Hands Alice a piece of paper]

Alice: This is blank!

Sven: 'fraid so, Shooter.

Hi folks,

We're about to start a recruitment drive to get a new player. You'd probably be surprised at how much work is involved in this, as it often takes months and contacting close to a hundred potential players (no exaggeration!) before we find someone right.

To try and help with this, the new player page is in the process of being redesigned. Part of it will be a "Which Queens View Character are you?" quiz, to help people get a feel for the game, the characters and what sort of information we need from them as a player.

Can you guys take the quiz for a test run? It's currently bare, but will have colours and images (of the outcomes, for example), but the questions and actual outcomes shouldn't change too much. Any feedback would be much appreciated!

http://queens-view.com/Quiz

Thanks, Conor

07.06.041

Clint: Not yet!

07.06.042

Charlie: Oh, dear. Must we rebalance the tilt?

07.06.043

Austin : In the absence of large numbers of babies to kill, how can we do that?

07.06.044

Helena: The only way to kill Jerome is to either be more powerful than him -- possibly through baby killing or other evil deeds -- or by making him weak and vulnerable.

07.06.045

eak and >vulnerable.

Dur: Though years of medical training have made me particularly proficient in the first option, I would prefer the second. How do we weaken Jerome?

07.06.046

Charlie: [To Alice, with a weak smile] By marrying him, perhaps?!

07.06.048

Helena: It would weaken him -- as long as we can find someone who truly, truly hates Jerome, they would be able to deliver the killing blow.

Sven: Add a handsome and dashing hero to the mix to step in and take his place, and the balance will be restored!

07.06.047

Austin : [Sighs] . That would be the most obvious course of action.

07.06.049

Dur: Who is the Handsome and Dashing hero and will they settle for us?=20


;;; Was it Jerome that killed Lucy or Pestilence?

07.06.050

Clint: Given how much damage a well-meaning brainy type can do up there, don't we want to settle for someone who's dull and lazy, and not a handsome and dashing hero?

07.06.051

Sven: Oh god no, Stinky! I've been preparing for this for thousands of years. Even Hell no here thinks I'd be great!

Helena: I suppose you wouldn't be entirely awful.

Sven: Haw! [Laughs] Isn't she great?


;;; It was Jerome who killed Lucy the morning of her and Austin's wedding

07.06.052

Dur: All in favor of making Alice marry Jerome only to make Austin dress indrag and take her place so he can kill Jerome raise your hands! That baby = killing bastard has had it coming!

07.06.052

Austin : [Sven] Just how will you take his place? Does godly power just go to you because you want it? Is it that simple?

07.06.053

Sven: Not even close, Aus. I take his place because I've earned it. I've been on the Path longer than most. [Holds his hand up] I like Dur's plan.

07.06.053

Clint: Haw! I hope not, lawyer. That would be a terrible idea! Kind of like having you pretend to marry Jerry for us.

07.06.054

Austin : [Looks amused] Well, I am certainly not dressing in drag, there is absolutely no need for that. Besides, I cannot afford an assassin that I could trust to kill Trindle properly.

07.06.054

Charlie: I quite agree! [To Dur, patting his head and handing him a biscuit] Well done!

07.06.055

Dur: [Devouring the biscuit with happy little puppy sounds] Yay biscuits!


;;; Why do I feel like Dur is the Scooby of this group?

07.06.056

Sven: I'd like to see Austin in drag as much as the next guy. [Looks at the next guy, which is Clint] Er, but it's probably not necessary.

07.06.057

Clint: [Flatly.] No. No it is not.


;;; Because he's not really qualified to be the Freddy, Shaggy, Velma,

or Daphne?

07.06.057

Dur: [Licking crumbs of his finger and off the ground] So the plan is to have Alice marry Jerome and then have Austin kill him? Perhaps we can convinc= e Jerome to take Austin as his best man so he can be close enough to get the job done?=20

07.06.058

Sven: Dur. The man with the plan! It doesn't have to be Austin, of course. If you're not up to the job, Aus, it just needs to be someone who can get close.

07.06.059

Charlie: [Beams at Dur and tosses him a second biscuit] How marvelous! [To Alice, waving her hand] Oh, I can be your Matron of Honor! I could hide my sword in the bunches of taffeta and such and go in for the kill when you kiss!

07.06.060

Alice: Oh my good heck! Am I really going to end up with two dead husbands?

Sven: Cheer up, Shooter! You're still young, you have plenty of time to amass dead husbands.

Alice: I suppose. [To Charlie] Right, matron of honour! We should find something for everyone to do, to make sure we're all present.

07.06.061

Charlie: Dur should be the flower girl [aside to Alice] , as it's the easiest job!

07.06.062

Clint: I'll be the usher. It's right up my alley!

07.06.063

Alice: Uh, you do know what an usher actually does, right?

07.06.064

Austin : Of course I will do it myself. Are you suggesting that I could not manage! [Tuts]

07.06.065

Alice: Sor-ree! I didn't know that you were such an expert usher!

07.06.066

Austin : [Sharply] Not the ushering! The killing! [Looks around] I shall require a very, very good dagger.

07.06.067

Alice: [Folds her arms huffily] That's hardly the way an usher should speak to the bride, Aus.

07.06.067

Clint: [Shakes his head.] Fresh out of those.

07.06.068

Sven: Haw! I've got a whole bag of 'em, Clint!

07.06.069

Austin : [To Sven] Do you have any with useful magical powers?

07.06.070

Sven: Not any more. In the last few months, they've all been drained on account of the world ending and all.

07.06.071

Clint: But you do have one that will do the job, right?

07.06.071

Charlie: [Miffed] So now I am merely the Matron of Honor?! [To Clint, disappointed] This position does not make full use of my potential!

07.06.072

Clint: Look at it this way, Sarge - you'll be in a perfect position to take notes for your next book deal.

07.06.073

Dur: You can title it "How to Slay A God: The Wedding to End All Weddings!" [Looks at Charlie expectantly for his next biscuit!] =20

07.06.074

Charlie: [Brightens at Clint's words, but then frowns at Dur's] If you get a treat every time you do or say absolutely anything, it will lose its meaning!


;;; Sorry, Conor! I couldn't leave the poor guy hanging!

07.06.075

Sven: Haw! A woman who knows how to tease!

Helena: Mr. Goring! That's my daughter!

Sven: And you should be very proud! [To the party] Right! Ready for a wedding? Where do we find Jerome?


;;; Tsk!

07.06.076

Charlie: [To Sven, primly] It's training, not teasing! And, yes, let us have this wedding at once. We have ever so much to do today!

07.06.077

[SVEN stops the carriage.]

Sven: Right! Hell, this is where we get out. The rest of you just drive on out of Nostalgia and Jerome will almost certainly be waiting.

07.06.078

Austin : [Checking his nails] You seem to be forgetting something. May I peruse your collection of daggers?

07.06.079

Sven: No, you may not... peruse them. [Laughs] You can have 'em all! They're in a pointy bag under the seat.

07.06.080

Clint: Haw! I call dibs on the biggest, heaviest, rustiest, meanest-looking one!

07.06.081

Alice: [Opens up the bag] Oh my good heck! These are ever so sharp!

07.06.082

Clint: [Grunts.] Wouldn't be much use if they weren't. [Grabs the biggest, heaviest, meanest-looking one, but probably not the rustiest because probably none of them are rusty.]

07.06.083

Sven: Good look, friends.

[Pause.]

Sven: I mean take a good look, make sure that each of you are well armed!

07.06.083

Austin : [Carefully empties the knives onto the floor and selects two choice daggers] Even mother might approve of these two.

07.06.084


;;; No Heather or Kevin today

Dur: Me! Me! Me! I want one!

Charlie: Be careful -- these are not food!

Dur: Then why does this one taste like food?

Alice: It doesn't taste like food, it tastes like floor!

07.06.085

Austin : [Skillfully puts his knives into their sheaths and pockets them] And how would you know that? [Raises his eyebrows] Oh, I see! [Looks smug]


;;;awa hame

07.06.086

Clint: [Looks at the collection of daggers.] Haw! At least no one's going to mess with us now!


;;; famous last words and all that!

07.06.087

Alice: God himself couldn't stop us! [Thinks] Oh. Hm.


;;; End of scene!

07.07.001

[Book IX, Act VII, Scene VII. Beyond Nostalgia. ALICE, AUSTIN, CHARLIE, CLINT and DUR are here, in a carriage being driven by CLINT. The countryside very quickly takes on the same sort of desolate look the party saw before, and soon CLINT jams on the brakes, spotting DR. JEROME K. TRINDLE, BSC, PHD, standing in the middle of the road.]

Jerome: [Smiling] Yes?

07.07.002

Austin : You are going to need a Cathedral, lots of flowers, an orchestra, a choir, a feast, some dancing girls, a priest and a luxury five star hotel resort for the exclusive use of your wedding guests. And a very very pretty diamond ring.

07.07.003

Jerome: How about this? [Clicks his fingers]

[Everyone disappears.]

07.07.004

Dur: [Disembodied] Ummmm.... it certainly simplifies the marriage arrangements.

07.08.001

[Book IX, Act VII, Scene VIII. A Luxury Five Star Hotel Resort. ALICE, AUSTIN, CHARLIE, CLINT and DUR are here, in the hotel lounge, along with JEROME. A massive feast is laid out, consisting of steaks, chops, a soused pigs head, complete with apple, golden honeyed locusts, jellied eels, thrushes ankles, snakes feet, crispy popadoms and curried brussels sprouts.]

Jerome: The cathedral adjoins the lounge.

07.08.002

Charlie: [Looks around warily] Oh, how splendid. Well, I suppose we really must be getting ready for the main even, though. [To Jerome] Where can the bride's wedding party dress?

07.08.003

he >bride's wedding party dress?

Dur: AND shouldn't the groom not see the bride prior to the ceremony? I hear it is bad luck.=20

07.08.004

Jerome: [Flustered] Of course! Of course! I certainly wouldn't want any bad luck on my wedding day! There's an entire wing of the hotel set aside for you. I'll have the priest come and get you when it's time. In the meantime, I have a few things to attend to -- you know, a god's work is never done! [In a flash, he disappears]

07.08.005

Austin : [Sighs] I do hope he remembered a street of Wedding dress tailors, we have some serious shopping to do. I shall ask at the reception desk [looks around]

07.08.006

[A butler appears, this is GERARD BUTLER.]

Gerard: Yeeees, sir?


;;; No pic up there yet, some temporary issue with the site!

07.08.007

Charlie: Ah, yes! We need to arrange outfits suitable for a wedding. [Whips out a list] I just happen to have the group's measurements on file. Now, we shall need modest, expensive clothes in dark colors. And the bride requires a dress in a light color, though not white. [To Alice] Let's not be hypocritical, shall we?

07.08.008

Alice: I want a dress so insanely ruffly and meringue-like that it is edible, and one that is so dazzlingly white that everyone around will have to wear shades, no, goggles, the kind that you can wear to watch a nuclear explosion with!

Gerard: Yeeeees, madam. Such an item is waiting for you in room #2. [Pause] There are suitable goggles for everyone in a gift basket. [Gestures to a large basket]

Alice: Oh, wow! There's chocolate and champagne in here too!

07.08.009

Charlie: [Looks at the chocolate and champagne disapprovingly] We really should not indulge prior to the ceremony. [To Gerard] Perhaps some dry toast and tea for everyone? And do take the alcohol and sweets away, chop chop!

07.08.010

Austin : [To Gerard] Just take Charlie's share away, that rest of us will enjoy this wedding! [Scoops a glass of champaign and a chocolate]

07.08.011

Alice: Yay! This is going to be the greatest wedding ever! Nothing like the kind of cliched weddings that other people have. Now, I'll need to get some completely overdone fake tan, a continuous CD of "My Heart Will Go On" and, of course, a list of cheesy line dances -- it'll be great! Just make sure you all know the steps!

07.08.012

Charlie: [To Austin] Fine, but when Alice spoils her dress with smears of chocolate and vomit, it falls to YOU to comfort her and tidy the dress!

07.08.013

Austin : Errm, no. That's a bridesmaids job.

07.08.014

Alice: He's right! As matron of honour, it'll be YOUR duty to hold my hair back when I throw up into the toilet! [Looks indignantly at the others] Don't you judge me, it's not like it's something tawdry. It'll be to help purge my stomach so I can fit into the bridal corset!

07.08.015

Charlie: [Groans] Say what you will about those of us who chose spouses of a more [lightly] demonic nature [nods to Dur] , but our weddings were at least free of this traditional nonsense!

07.08.016

Austin : Well, it's just fine, because this Alice's wedding, not yours, so let's make it a wonderful day for Alice, and one that she will never forget! [Takes a sip of his champers] So, Alice, what's it to be, party, or drab grey dull borningness?

07.08.017

Alice: Dazzlingly bright outfits and super double happiness! [To Gerard] What about clothes?

Gerard: There is a huge collection of outfits in room #4.

Alice: I know what I need everyone to wear. Pink and white ruffly tuxedos for the boys, disgusting lime green dress for Charlie.

[In an instant, everyone is wearing their clothes, except ALICE, who still has her normal clothes on.]

07.08.018

Charlie: [Looks down at the dress and sighs] I suppose it could be worse! [To Alice] And where is your [clears her throat] lovely dress?

07.08.019

Alice: Good question! [To Gerard] Where's my dress?

Gerard: Yeeees. I believe that Phili is having a little trouble, but it will be here soon.

[The hotel gives a shudder, as though there's a minor tremor in the earth.]

07.08.018

Austin : [Says nothing but looks a little alarmed at his new clothes] Riiight! This could get interesting.

07.08.020

Charlie: Oh, dear! Another shift in the balance?! [Pulls out her sword and starts watching out for rampaging demons]

07.08.021

Gerard: Yeeees, madam. You may relax. This hotel is completely isolated. We are entirely safe here. Innnn fact. This is the only safe place in the entire Realms. Tea?

07.08.022

tire >Realms. Tea?

Dur: What makes it so safe?

07.08.023

Gerard: Even Phili needs somewhere to rest. He has invested much of his power to stop any invaders from penetrating.

07.08.024

Charlie: [To Gerard] Is Phili often attacked?

07.08.025

Gerard: It's really not my place to discuss such manners, but OMG! All the time! It's like, totally mank! [Back to normal demeanour] Madam.

07.08.026

Dur: [Sarcastically] well, gee, I wonder why that is.=20

07.08.027

Gerard: It's hardly my place to comment on such matters, er, sir, but OMG! It's because there are all these crazies from other dimensions who are trying kick our ass because our balance all out of whack. [Normal demeanour] Sir.

07.08.028

ing kick our ass because our balance all out of whack. [Normal demeanour] Sir.

Dur: MmmmHmmm. And why is our balance out of whack?

07.08.029

Charlie: [To Dur] Allow me. I do have a teenaged niece, you know, and I speak the language. [To Gerard] Yow, housie? What is upward with all of the [finger quotes] whackness? [Gives a thumbs up] Upright thumb!

07.08.030

Gerard: [Looks at Charlie distastefully] Far be it from me to comment, but Phili appears to be intervening too much in worldly affairs. The world has become quite unbalanced.

07.08.030

Austin : [To Charlie] I thought that we knew that answer to this already? Trindle saved our lives, and that created the imbalance?

07.08.031

Clint: Well, it isn't our place to keep this nice butler from sharing all the latest gossip, is it?

07.08.032

Charlie: Indeed, Mr. Sleaze. WE know the answer, and, one suspects, even Clint and Alice know the answer, but [lowers her voice] Dur appears to require much repetition for complex reasoning, hence his asking of the butler.

07.08.033

Alice: It's not so much gossip as common knowledge, Stinky! [To Gerard] So Jerome hangs out here all the time?

Gerard: Quite so. Not in the same wing as the guests, of course. He has a private suite in the East Wing. You know, for [puts on a cowboy hat and pretends to ride around the room] Yeeah! Whooohooo! Yeeeeha! [Takes off the hat and regains his composure]

07.08.034

tends to ride around the room] Yeeah! Whooohooo! Yeeeeha! [Takes off the hat and regains his composure]

Dur: {Confused] He holds a private rodeo in the East Wing?

07.08.035

Clint: Exactly, doc! What, you think gods are above having a private rodeo every now and then?

07.08.036

Austin : [Cringes] At least we can be sure that Nunpar will never, ever, be Phili.

07.08.037

Alice: [Cringes even more than Austin] And this private rodeo? Who else is likely to be involved?

Gerard: [Says nothing but smiles and does a finger gun at Alice] Click-click!

07.08.038

Clint: Well, why buy the bull when you can get the bull ride for free?

07.08.039

Charlie: Mr. Scar! Please don't be so insulting! On her wedding day! Quite clearly, it wouldn't be a bull, rather a cow.

07.08.040

Alice: Thanks Charlie! [Thinks for a moment] Hey!

Gerard: I believe your dress is ready, Madam. It is in room-

[ALICE races off towards the west wing, before GERARD has a chance to finish.]

Gerard: I shall fetch some goggles for everyone.

07.08.041

Dur: Why would we need goggles?

07.08.042

Gerard: [Now wearing thick goggles and holding up a tray of similar thick, yet stylish goggles] To prevent your eyes from being burnt out by the monstrosity that the bride will be wearing.

[As if on cue, an incredibly bright shaft of light beams out from beneath the door that ALICE went out through, and the handle starts to turn.]

Gerard: I would encourage you to don them quite rapidly. Quite rapidly indeed!

07.08.043

Austin : [Swiftly dons a pair of goggles] This is more like it. I sense that a fabulous party is imminent.

07.08.044

[Everyone follows suit, just in time for ALICE to appear in a dress so white that it's brighter than the sun and so ruffly that you could hide an Irishman's head in them.]

Alice: Let's do this thang.

Gerard: [Gestures to a double doors on the north side of the hotel] Phili awaits in the the Chapel of Lurve.

07.08.045

Charlie: [Claps delightedly] Oh, Alice! You look lovely, and I just know you will be so very happy! [Gives Alice a hug and whispers] Do we have some sort of signal for the you-know-whatting of your husband?!

07.08.046

Alice: I don't know, Charlie, I'm too busy being ravishing to think about that sort of thing!

[The double doors swing open and the party proceeds in. Standing at the altar is JEROME, wearing a suit, along with BODDY, who is dressed as a priest. Both are wearing goggles.]

07.08.047

a priest. Both are wearing goggles.]

Dur: How about the part where the priests asks for the I do's and what not?

07.08.048

Alice: That would be the perfect time to congratulate my husband!

[The party slowly walk towards the altar.]

07.08.048

Austin : I think the little part after that is also important. [To Alice] Have you signed pre-nupts?

07.08.049

Alice: Don't you taint my special day with your price taggery, Austin! Of course I haven't!

[They reach the altar, which has ridiculous archway of flowers over it. ALICE steps under to join BODDY and JEROME.]

Jerome: [With a huge grin] Wow! This is the happiest day of my life! I'm so glad that you're all here to share it with me!

07.08.050

Charlie: [Dabbing at her eyes] Oh, it's all so beautiful! [To Boddy, skeptically] I did not realize you were a priest?

07.08.051

Boddy: With my complete lack of morals and total selfishness, it was really the obvious choice. Plus, you can buy the credentials on the Splinternet for 10GP! Dr. Jerome K. Trindle, BSc, PhD, GOD, do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?

Jerome: Yes I do!

Boddy: Alice? Same question.

Alice: [Coyly] Yes I do.

Boddy: Then by the power invested in me by CheapCredentials.com, I now pronounce you god and wife!

07.08.052

Charlie: [Breathes a huge sigh of relief] Oh, Alice! I never dreamed any man would have you after all of the dreadfully perverse things you've done over the years! [Dabs her eyes] I only wish the Colonel could be here!

07.08.052

Austin : [Cheery] You may now kiss the bride! Congratulations! [Steps forwards and throws some confettie over the couple, then tries his very best to sneakily stab Jerome in the back, through the heart] For Lucy!

07.08.053

Alice: Aw! Thanks guys!

[The two kiss, just before AUSTIN steps forward and, under a rain of confetti, drives his sword into JEROME. Much to everyone's shock, neither ALICE nor JEROME appear to be corporeal.]

Boddy: Now, now. Do you really think he's be dumb enough to do this right in front of you?

07.08.054

Dur: Ummm.... yes?

07.08.055

Boddy: That doesn't surprise me.

07.08.055

Austin : [Looks annoyed] Yes. He never was the sharpest tool in the box. [Sighs and wanders over to get his champagne, and takes a sip]

07.08.055

Charlie: [Offended] Does he not trust us?! His wife's closest friends?!

07.08.056

07.08.056

Boddy: Have you met his wife? [Looks around] And yourselves?

07.08.057

[Alas, nothing happens.]

Boddy: Magic won't work here! You'll have to do this the old fashioned way. Where is Jerome likely to be?

07.08.058

Dur: East wing! Right?

07.08.059

Charlie: [Shudders] Consummating his marriage!

07.08.060

Boddy: You better hurry! As soon as he consummates the marriage, he won't be vulnerable any more. And, not to be mean about him on his wedding day, but let's just say you better hurry.

All: You better hurry.

Boddy: You know, this isn't really getting the job done!

07.08.061

Dur: Crap! Lets go group! I have a bad feeling about this! [Dur rushes off to find the East Wing]

07.08.062

Austin : [Legging it to the East wing] You couldn't make this stuff up!

07.08.063

[The party race back into the hotel, pausing briefly to stack up on snacks from the very generous buffet, and burst into the east wing. The tell-tale bright light from ALICE's dress shines like a beacon from beneath one of the doors. The party burst in to see ALICE, lying face down on the bed, dress up around her hips, looking bored, with JEROME behind her.]

Jerome: I'm sorry! I just can't find where the ruffles end and the dress starts!

07.08.064

ell-tale bright light from ALICE's dress shines like a beacon >from beneathone of the doors. The party burst in to see ALICE, lying face down on the =

Dur: There! Ok gang! Murder and Mayham on 3! 1...2... [Dives for Jerome hopefully with some pointy surgical instrument to his gullet]

07.08.064

Charlie: [Cries out] Alice! Pull down your skirt and keep your legs crossed!!

07.08.065

Austin : [Tries to stab Jerome in the back through the heart, again. To Alice] Please!

07.08.066

[AUSTIN and DUR strike and the same time, one through the back and the other slashing JEROME's throat, causing blood to spurt across ALICE's fine white dress.]

Jerome: No! Why? Whyyyyy!

07.08.067

Dur: For the balance! And for Lucy! And for.... [Pauses] Well that's prettymuch it I think.=20

07.08.068

Jerome: [Gasps] You... you don't know what you've done...

[Enter SVEN with a big grin.]

Sven: Yes they do. Consider yourself evicted!

07.08.069

Austin : [Sharply] Well you should have explained it to us well in advance then! [Twists the dagger hard] This one is for Lucy!

07.08.070

Charlie: [Tries to help Alice to her feet and get her clear of the carnage. To Jerome] You were destroying the entire world with your petty desires! That is no way to govern!

07.08.071

That is no way to govern!

Dur: [Looking to Sven] Now what?=20

07.08.072

Jerome: [Cries out in pain at the twist of the knife] She will never forgive you for this! She will return! I curse you all to hell! [Dies]

Alice: [Dusting herself off] What the hell is going on? [Smiles] Hey! I'm back to normal! [Looks around] So. We've just killed another god, the world is about to end, it all looks very dark. And we're wearing goggles.

Sven: [Already eating a pig's head] Now we party!


;;; End of Book IX, Act VII. Next act coming up tomorrow!