[Book VIII, Act IX, Scene VII. Upstairs at HARMA. ALICE, AUSTIN, CHARLIE, CLINT, DUR, HARVEY and SEBASTIAN are here, slowly heading up the stairs.]

Alice: [To Austin, lowly] Because she's awful, just awful, that's why. And Aus, it could be worse. You could have to put up with morons like you!

Charlie: [Looks around disapprovingly] Indeed, being surrounded by so many images of you is most off-putting, though at least you are sensibly dressed!


Jordan: It's not that bad really, apart from his obvious unhealthy obsession with Alice. Just like a stalker fanboy. [Laughs] Alice has a groupie!


Charlie: [Nods] Indeed, god-figures seem attracted to you, rather peculiarly! [Muses] I wonder why?


Jordan: Maybe they just like the idea of her being The Mother of their babies



Jordan: I think the more important question is, what is the risk of saying no to a marriage proposal from a God who has no apparent respect for the rules of the balance?


Clint: Well, on the plus side, you could use your influence as his wife to help him preserve the balance! On the down side, it's pretty creepy!


Charlie: Perhaps you could compromise and suggest a long engagement? That would still give you considerable influence over Jerome, no?


Clint: On the other hand, if Alice gets into any more trouble, just think what Jerry would do!


Charlie: Well, you wouldn't actually get married, you see. It would be an engagement that would go on as long as it suits us, at which point you could give Dr. Trindle the old "It's not you, it's me" bit.


Clint: [Looks around the stalker bunker.] I dunno, Sarge. I think Jerry's the kind of guy who has trouble letting go!


Austin : Why not go for something a little exotic? In Viet-nom-nom I believe that they get married, but the vows only last for a year and a day. After that the couple can renew the vows if they like, or go their own separate ways. [Gets out some paper] A brilliant idea, don't you think? [Starts writing] I'll draw up the contracts.


Austin : [Ponders] How about just one day? Then you can renew your vows the day after? [Shrugs] I suppose you could even just do a night?


Jordan: [With a snap of his fingers] Or how about this! Tell him yes to marrying him, but right now you don't have time for the wedding itself because of all the stuff going on. But tell him that if he does one more thing that results in an upset to the balance, direct or indirect, causing a mess that you are personally part of the team for cleaning up, still engaged or actually married, the entire relationship is over. [Turns to Austin] Think that makes a good get out clause for any contract you could right in order to protect her?

;;; In and out today guys. Replies sporadic.

;;; Conor play Jordan if need be if I'm non-responsive

;;; for too long and you need to get things moving.


Alice: Delaying it sounds good, but signing a contract? Really? Do you think God will sign a contract for us?


Charlie: There is no need for that. Just put on modest airs and claim that you are too innocent and tender to think of marriage just yet, but [vaguely, affecting a crazy, starry-eyed look] someday. . . ! He has made you into a prim and proper lady, so take advantage of that! [Wisely] The courtship dance is a time-honored tradition! Keep them on the hook as long as possible and all that.


Alice: That does sound a lot more romantic than "if you really love me you'll give my friend a blow job". [Thinks] But what do we tell him we're doing? Looking for the prophecy?


Jordan: Normally I'd say be honest, but I'm worried he would try to help us and send things further out of whack.


Charlie: [Excited] What a wonderful idea! Tell him you would like a copy of the prophecy, as a little token of his affection for you! Let him kiss your hand in return. Well-bred men go mad for that sort of thing!


Austin : [Making notes furiously] So you are going to agree to marry him, but set the Wedding date for a few years time - two years? [Looks disappointed] That's a long wait for your wedding shower, dress fitting and choosing flowers, shoes! Oh and the cake, and I know a brilliant dress maker, you'll just love her work!


Jordan: You're assuming she actually intends to go through with the wedding Aus. I thought the idea was to make Trindle think she was intending to, but not actually do it. Just make it an engagement to last a lifetime.

;;; Out for about 2 hours.


Austin : [Frowns at Jordan] It won't be very convincing unless we spend at least three months shopping for dresses.


Alice: Yeah, it's not like I have a collection of dresses already set aside that I can pick from. [Looks wistfully into the distance]


Austin : Indeed! And shoes. you will need shoes, several pairs I don't doubt. [Makes notes] And of course the rings. Engagement ring and shopping for a wedding ring. I know some excellent places, [blushes] Although you may have to appraise some of them without my delightful presence.


Alice: Or maybe you could come in with me and help [finger quotes] me choose. I mean, me [finger quotes] choose. Is there anything else I should ask Jerome? You know, as an engagement present?


Jerome? You know, as an engagement present?

Dur: [Thinking, obviously straining himself in doing so] You could ask for a pony?


Alice: [Pained] Surely you already had enough to eat!


Charlie: Other than asking for the Prophecy, you might also suggest that he help us in avoiding Will, rather than continuing to fight against her, to help keep the balance.


Alice: Maybe we could get him to create some doppelgangers of us that she could go after?


Austin : [Chuckles] An admirable idea Alice, but with one fatal flaw. I doubt that even a god could recreate a faithful double of one as beautiful as I. Perhaps he could simply do the rest of the party.


Clint: Looking at what Jerry's done to the place, I think the less you ask of him, the better! Can't we just stick for asking him to keep out of it?


Alice: What are you afraid of Clint? That he'll clean you up?


Clint: [Shrugs.] If he does try, won't he just send everything even more out of balance and make an even bigger mess?


Jordan: I believe that was the exact point I made not 5 minutes ago.


Alice: Good for you, Jordie.

[Enter JEROME, looking quite nervous.]

Jerome: Have you had chance to think about it?

Alice: Yes!

Jerome: And?

Alice: Yes!

Jerome: Dr. Jerome K. Trindle, BSc, PhD, GOD, is rather pleased.

Alice: But...

[JEROME looks less pleased.]

Alice: Er, um, the others will explain... [to the party] right? Long engagement? Dopplegangers? Donkey for Dur to eat?


Charlie: [To Jerome] As Miss Alice's chaperone, I shall speak for her. She is quite pleased to enter into a lengthy pre-pre-engagement period with you, as it befitting a modest lady like herself. And, of course, she would not say no to a pre-pre-engagement gift or three. I have some appropriate suggestions, should you be interested. . . .


Jerome: Great! I was hoping maybe for a blowjob, some candy and book on relativity, but if she has ideas of other things to give me, that would be gear.


Charlie: [Rushes to cover Alice's ears] You brute! You should not say such things in front of a gentle lady. It is YOU who should give the pre-pre-engagement gift. [Whispers] I know that Alice would just LOVE a copy of the prophecy, for instance. Oh, and duplicate copies of the entire party. And a donkey.


Austin : [Anoyed] The Ri-ing! An engagement ring!


Jerome: [A little flustered] Oh, er, right, of course! A big one, right?


Austin : [Hands on hips] Yes! That's more like it. A gold band with lots of diamonds and a big one in the middle.


Charlie: [Excitedly] And don't forget the prophecy, the exact duplicates of all of us, and the donkey!


Jerome: Of course! [Reaches into his pocket and fishes out a ring with a diamond the size of a large apple]

Alice: Wow! Of course I'll marry you, Jerome!


Charlie: [Quickly] But only after a very long engagement! [To Jerome] You have my permission to kiss Miss Alice on the back of the hand. [Sharply] No tongue!


Jerome: [Straightens his bow-tie and starts to kiss the back of her hand] Mm-mmm!

Alice: That's nice. [Smiles politely] Er, yes.

[Her hand is now soaking.]

Alice: Er, great, thanks.

;;; Out for about 2.5 hours!


Charlie: [Sharply] That is quite enough! You are still only pre-pre engaged, after all!


Jerome: [Slithers off Alice] Oh no. Now we are engaged!


Clint: Hell, after what you just did to her hand, you're practically married!


Austin : [Shudders at the slight of Alice's slavery hand and offers her a handy-wipe] Here you go sweetie!


Alice: [Gladly takes it] I think we need a bigger handy-wipe!

Jerome: Wow! Already married! Thanks Clint!


Clint: Anyway, we'll just take a hint on where to find the prophecy and then be on our way, eh? No sense always asking god to do all the work for you!


Jordan: Nope, or else we could all retire from the hero business and just have him do it all instead.

;;; Sorry, I forgot to mention I had a hospital appointment this afternoon.


;;; Not too sick, I hope!

Jerome: I'll do one better than that. I'll give you the prophecy! [Fishes out a piece of paper and holds it out] Here we go.

;;; First to post a yoink gets it!


Jordan: [Yoinks the prophecy from Jerome]

;;; nah just an assessment thing and an update on something else to do

with it all


Charlie: [Gasps] After all my negotiation, I should be the one to see it first! [Eagerly tries to look over Jordan's shoulder to read the prophecy]


Clint: Oh well. We didn't really need Dementia anyway!


Dur: If had held up a sandwich, I bet I would have been the first to grab it!


[JORDAN shows the prophecy to the party. It reads "Jerome and Alice will live happily ever after."]

Jerome: I've got a good feeling!

;;; No posting today! Back to normal on Monday


Alice: Looks like it's all going to work out juuuust fine!


Austin : [Looks sad] Unless the realms are overrun by demons!


Jerome: Nonsense! These are just teething problems! Sure, there are a few exploding rabbits, and deserts popping up all over, as well as the occasional demon invasion, but it's not like it's the end of the world!


Austin : No! It is the end of the world! Everything is dead or dieing. [Looks very sad] We need to maintain the balance.


Charlie: Indeed, and this is why we must have doppelgangers created, to help keep Wilhelmina occupied and allow you to concentrate on [vaguely] God-things and not worry about Miss Alice.


Jerome: Of course, of course! Here they come... now, you need to be careful that you don't accidentally go away with the wrong party, as these guys are so uncanny.

[There is a puff of smoke. Enter AUSTIN DOPPELGANGER and CHARLIE DOPPELGANGER, both of whom bare little more than the barest smidgeon of passing resemblance to their counterparts.]

Austin: I like suits.

Charlie: Organisation is fun!

Alice: [Applauds] Wow! Amazing!


Charlie: [Aghast] Mine looks nothing like me! It's a man! [To Jerome, scolding] Do you honestly think my daughter will mistake this for me?!


Jerome: Wha? Who said that? Which is the real one?


Jordan: [To the party] And this is the guy we have as God? We need a new Philli. Maybe I should just kill him and take his place?


Alice: Are you sure you can?


Jordan: But of course. I shall just read some of my more depressing poetry to him until he commits suicide


Charlie: That should do it, all right! [To Alice, scolding] Do tell your pre-anc=E9 to try harder!


Austin : [To Jordan] You have even more depressing poetry that what you have already published? [Looks amazed] That should do the trick alright!


Jordan: Oh of course. I hid it from my ex-wife so that I could use it in emergency situations such as this, hence why it never got published.


Austin : That was most cunning! You are far far smarter than you look.


Alice: Don't be silly, Jordan, why would you want to do something like that?


Charlie: [To Jerome] Miss Alice demands more convincing doppelgangers! [Temptingly] You can kiss her forehead for 5 seconds if you please her!


Jerome: [Licks his lips excitedly] Of course!

[Enter CLINT DOPPELGANGER, looking super suave.]

Jerome: What do you think?

;;; Out for 1.5 hours or so


Charlie: [Appalled] His one is even less convincing than mine! There's NO odor whatsoever, for one thing. [To Jerome, disapprovingly] It's this lack of attention to detail that will get us all killed!


Jordan: [To Alice] Why? Well if the current Phili, Jerome, is putting his feelings for you before the safety o the realm, and in fact his feelings for you causing the destruction of the realm, then surely he is not fit to be in the position of God. Therefore, does it not follow that it is time he was replaced? [Ponders] Or did you mean why did I hide my most depressing work from the now ex Mrs Chapman?


Alice: No, why would she divorce you? You're so good at poetry! Isn't he great at poetry, Jerome?

Jerome: [Glares at Alice] He's okay.


[Enter DUR DOPPELGANGER, who looks just like a crash test dummy. He enters and walks straight into a plate glass window, which, mercifully, doesn't break.]

Jerome: Isn't it uncannny?


Jordan: Actually Alice I divorced her. For publishing my work without my permission or knowledge. [Looks at DUR DOPPELGANGER then to Jerome] Does you incompetence know no limits?


Charlie: [Looks at Dur Doppelganger appraisingly] Actually, this one is rather uncanny!


Clint: [Nods.] Yeah! It looks like practice is making perfect here. [To Jerome, encouragingly.] You're getting better, Jer. Keep it up!

;;; So as of yesterday, my hometown team is in the super bowl. Am a little

;;; hungover. Stop typing so loud!


Austin : Quite an improvement. Well done!


Jerome: [Looks coldly at Jordan] I've left you alive, haven't I? [Waves his hand and Jordan goes flying out the window, falling thousands of feet to the earth]

[Everyone runs the edge and looks over at the tiny smear that is left of JORDAN.]


Charlie: [Rushes to the window] Jordan!! [Shocked, to Jerome] Why did you do that?! [Nervously] Er, sir? [To Alice, quickly] Do give your sweetheart a loving kiss, won't you?


Jerome: Because he insulted me, and he's an idiot.

Alice: Er, of course! You'll bring him back to life, won't you, Jerry? I promise, he'll be less idioty!

Jerome: [Shrugs] I don't know. Maybe I'm too incompetent.

Alice: For me? [Gives him a kiss]

[The kiss is even slobberier than when he kissed her hand, and goes on and on. And on. Eventually, JORDAN appears, looking quite shaken and dishevelled, missing a hand.]


Jordan: [Shaking, looks down and sees his left hand is missing] Oh dear god no! How will I be able to play music now?


Charlie: [Looks at Jordan and gasps. To Alice, urgently] Perhaps another kiss to replace the hand?!


Jordan: Kiss him, marry him, be The Mother of his children, I don't care! [Cries] I just want to be able to play again!


Alice: [Wipes the Jerome saliva off her face] Please, Jerry?

[Cue another highly wet and sloppy kiss. Magically, JORDAN's hand grows back.]

Jerome: [Breaking off the kiss] Not bad for an incompetent? [Clicks his fingers]

[Enter ALICE DOPPELGANGER and JORDAN DOPPELGANGER. The Alice one is a plasticky looking doll in a wedding dress, while the Jordan one appears to be no more than a raspberry.]

Alice: [Doppelganger] I can't wait to marry my beloved Jerome.


Austin : Hmm, that will probably fool most people [Checks his nails]


Jordan_Raspberry: Bluuuurb!

Alice: Wow! That is really good! How about we get the doppelgangers to go to Queens View? And we can go to Nostalgia to find Charlie's mum.

Jerome: Nostalgia? Why do you want to go there? What do you want with her mother? Why is she there?


Charlie: She is looking for the prophecy. [Wryly] The real one, not the one you provided to us!


Jerome: What prophecy? What do you mean?


Charlie: [Tries to laugh casually] Oh, you know, it's just a piece of ancient text I am mad to analyze for my next paper! Nothing for you to be alarmed about.


Last from me 98

[Time passes. ]

Jerome: well? [Looks around the party]


Austin : [Fidgeting] Well, we had a copy of the prophecy, but mislaid it. It supposedly will help us save the realms. It's a kind of continuation of the Clementine thing and it explains the Reveals, and the Abyss and the Mother stuff.


Last from Dom and Heather 100

Jordan: [Is too busy making sure his new left hand is really real]


Last from Drew 101

Jerome: What? Which is it? Are you really trying to overthrow me?

Alice: No! [To the party] Right? We think you're just neat!


Clint: C'mon, Jerry, do we seem like the kind of people who would try to overthrow an old friend once he becomes a god? Really?


Charlie: Indeed! Why ever would we encourage a marriage between you and our most beloved party member if we intended to overthrow you?! It would make for a MOST awkward wedding.


Clint: [Puzzled.] Wait, when did we get Jerry engaged to Dur?


Alice: Hey!

Jerome: Ha! Jerome is pleased to see the sort of good natured bantering of old!


Charlie: Indeed, isn't it delightful? [All business] Now, could you be a dear and send us to Nostalgia?


Jerome: Of course! Don't forget, Jerome will be keeping an eye on you! [Gives Alice one more disgusting sloppy kiss, and then clicks his fingers]

[The party disappear.]

Jerome: [Looks around, feeling pleased with himself] Ah! Everything is right with the world, finally! Maybe I should masturbate!

;;; And with that delightful message, we'll take a break until Friday

morning. No more

;;; disruptions for a while after that, hopefully!


I forgot to mention I was taking a four day vacation :x

Kevin Day, CBA Credit Manager=20 Hanson Building Products=20 Lehigh Hanson Inc.=20 300 E. John Carpenter Fwy, 15th Floor=20 Irving, TX 75062=20 Tel: 972 653 5541 Fax: 469 586 1605=20 kevin.day@lehighhanson.com=20 hansonbuildingproducts.com=20 Please Send ALL waiver requests to the Lien Waiver Department at:=20 Waivers.buildingproducts@LehighHanson.com=20 The direct fax number is: 866-513-1925=20 "For more information, employees can visit our SSC site on Unite." SSC Unite Site

-----Original Message----- Sent: Wednesday, January 22, 2014 3:50 AM To: Heather Cc: Tom Henderson; Marc-Andrew Hunnam Nicholas; dom; Day, Kevin R (Irving) USA; Tom Henderson; qvblogger@gmail.com; yuye639geda@post.wordpress.com

Jerome: Of course! Don't forget, Jerome will be keeping an eye on you! [Gives Alice one more disgusting sloppy kiss, and then clicks his fingers]

[The party disappear.]

Jerome: [Looks around, feeling pleased with himself] Ah! Everything is right with the world, finally! Maybe I should masturbate!

;;; And with that delightful message, we'll take a break until Friday morning. No more ;;; disruptions for a while after that, hopefully!


[Book VII, Act II, Scene I. Outside the "Come, Stay Inn" in Nostalgia. ALICE, AUSTIN, CHARLIE, CLINT, DUR and JORDAN have just appeared. Nostalgia seems untouched by all the other craziness that the party have witnessed, and the clean streets and rosy faced young children playing in the streets bring back memories of a gentler time.]

Alice: Come, Stay Inn? This sounds like a nice place!


Charlie: [Looks at the sign disapprovingly] A bit literal, isn't it? As if they largely cater to simpletons who might need to be told how temporary lodging works?


Austin : [Frowning] Indeed, we should find somewhere that conforms to the accepted norms expected of high standard accommodation.

;;; mad day, intermittent posts


Alice: Aw! So it's temporary?

[Enter PENNY STAINER, out of the Come, Stay Inn.]

Penny: [Smiles at the party] Hello and blessed be! [Recognises the party] Oh, [smile flickers a little, but she brightens up again] how nice to meet you again?

;;; This is Penny from Penny and Isobel fame:

<P><a href=http://queens-view.com/wiki/index.php/Penny_and_Isobel>Penny

and Isobel</A>


Charlie: [To Penny] Oh, quite! We were just on our way to another inn, one we booked earlier. [Snaps her fingers] If only we had known you had an inn here, too!


nn here, too!

Dur: Perhaps it is not too late to change our reservations?


Penny: Oh please do! We would love you to stay, to show that there are no hard feelings.

Alice: No hard feelings after what?

Penny: After the Cum Stain.


Charlie: [Appalled] How dare you suggest an inappropriate relationship between us?! [Primly] Only my husband would be responsible for such a stain.


Dur: [Frowning and looking between Alice and Charlie] ... You may need to be a bit more specific...


Alice: [Disapprovingly] Charlie! Please!

Penny: Oh no, I meant that when you gave us the new name for our band, it caused some embarrassment, as a lot of people read it as Cum Stain. We've since given up music and picked the most inoffensive name we could for our establishment. Come Stay Inn.


Clint: [Nods.] Well, it sounds like that worked out for the best. For everyone!


Penny: Great! Come on in!

[PENNY leads the party inside, where there is a large entrance hall, with a bar off to one side. The place is surprisingly nice looking and, with the exception of a series of paintings of chicks and cocks, contains very few double entendres.]

Alice: Does anyone else get a really strong smell of ham?


Charlie: [Sniffs the air] I suspect this place is more vegan than carnivore, so I doubt it!


Alice: Try to set aside the overwhelming whiff of lentils and whatever other crap these people cook [to Penny] no offence.

Penny: [Annoyingly brightly] None taken!

Alice: And you'll get something?

Penny: I'm sure you're mistaken. There's definitely no ham here.

[Even with CLINT in close proximity, the others can get the scent too. From inside the bar, the party can hear ISOBEL.]

Isobel: I'm sorry, but there's no ham here!


Austin : [To Penny] Well, even if we cannot change our current reservations, perhaps we could view your facilities, so that we can tell others of the excellent facilities you offer?


Clint: Then what the hell is that smell?

;;; Ah, Clint's glory days...


Austin : Perhaps it is some one, or something that spends a lot of time eating or working with ham? A butcher perhaps?


Alice: They'd have to eat an awful lot of ham, Aus! [Eyes widen] Could it be?

[The party look into the bar to see that ISOBEL is talking to a man with his back to the party. He turns around to the party and lifts his glass to them in salute. It is none other than DEUCE.]

Deuce: Hi gang. Anyone know where to get a good ham around here?

Isobel: Meat is murder.


Charlie: [Gasps] Deuce! However did you manage to bring yourself back to life?! Oh, this is wonderful! [Starts digging in her knapsack] I have ever so many papers for you to read!


Clint: Chuck, the man's back from the dead, dying for some ham... Hasn't he suffered enough? [Nods to Deuce.] But what are you doing here, anyway? And how?


Alice: Deucie! [Gives him a huge hug]

Deuce: Hi there, Pixie Styx! [To the party] Not sure myself, guys. Last thing I remember, someone was jamming a spoon into my brain.


Charlie: [Goes to give Deuce a peck on the cheek and hands him a huge stack of papers] Well, DO try and avoid spooning your brain again! It was a tremendous loss to science and [trying not to sniffle] to many of us on a personal level.


emendous loss to science and [trying not to sniffle] >to many of us on a personal level.

Dur: Errr.... being that someone was messing around with Deucycles brain, can we be sure we can trust him? What if they did something to turn him agai= nst us?


Clint: Haw! In that case, as the resident doctor and surgeon, you'd have to use your medical skills to do a little brain surgery and fix the problem!


Deuce: Nah, if someone had messed around with my brain and turned me into some sort of killing machine that could be turned on a moment's notice to murder all my friends, I'm sure I'd know all about it. [Looks Charlie up and down] Wow! Puddin' Pop! What happened to you? [To Dur] Wow! What happened to YOU? [To Alice] Yikes! How long have I been dead?


Austin : To cut a long story short, Chuckles and Mr Dur are pregnant, and Alice is engaged to Trindle, presently aka God.


Charlie: [Eagerly] SO much has happened! I was dead, as well, and so was Pestilence! I have the first draft of a study about death experiences, and really, you MUST be part of it. [Waves the paper temptingly] I'll make you third author!


Deuce: Woah, woah, woah! Woah! [Takes a drink from his glass] Woah! You're calling Charlie Chuckles? That's really annoying, Austin. What idiot came up with that one?

[A sarcastic female voice comes from the opposite end of the bar. It is none other than LUCY ANGEL, AUSTIN's bride to be, who was killed on her wedding day.]

Lucy: It's so idiotic, unimaginative and pedestrian I suspect it must have been Austin.


Clint: Haw! She's right about that. Also, she's dead. What the hell is going on here?


Lucy: If past history is anything to go by, you people are on your way to be late rescuing someone.


Dur: Crap, we're late?! Who are we supposed to be saving again?


Charlie: [Smugly] No one! We are here to meet with Mother, but she does not need to be saved. [Worriedly] I hope!!


Lucy: Are you sure it wasn't his dignity you were trying to save?


Dur: Does that make this woman [motioning to Lucy] the mother?


Clint: [Eyes Lucy.] You have met us, right? Would we try to save anyone's dignity, I ask you? Anyway, what are you doing here all alive and well and charming as ever?


Lucy: [To Clint] I'm having a drink.

Alice: [To Dur] Oh my good heck. By all laws of god and nature, she should never be allowed to produce offspring. She's just horrid. [Thinks to herself for a moment] Horrid? Oh my good heck! I'm getting worse!

Deuce: [Looks Alice up and down] I don't know, Pixie Styx, whatever game you're playing is working for me. [Sexy growl] Roar!


Charlie: [To Deuce, nervously] You might want to keep that to yourself, dear. She is pre-pre-engaged to God now!


Deuce: [Looking strangely relieved] Good for her!

Alice: Yes, I'm saving myself for my wedding night.

[Everyone stifles some rather uncharitable and unkind sniggers.]

Alice: What?


Jordan: Well you see Alice, you're going to marry God, and only Nuns are married to God, and they never get laid. So you see, you'll never have sex again Alice.

;;; No more from me for the rest of the week.

;;; Conor I'll email you later to explain why


Austin : [Recovering from speechlessness at seeing Lucy. To Lucy] Hello.


Lucy: [To Austin] So, are we getting married, or what?


Austin : [Quickly coming round, smiles] May I kiss you first?


Lucy: If you have to. [Grabs Austin and gives him a passionate kiss, eventually finishing with a loud pop.]

[AUSTIN looks unusually dishevelled from the kiss, while LUCY looks her normal, calm self.]


Charlie: [Shocked] Mr. Sleaze! What about that horrid woman with whom you seem to have some sort of sick relationship?


Alice: Charlie! Lucy is a horrid woman with whom he had a sick relationship! [To Lucy] No offence!

Lucy: Coming from someone dressed like you, I take it as a compliment.


Austin : I don't have any relationships with any horrid women, thank you very much!


Lucy: That's a relief. So. This marriage? I believe I'm about to be killed if we don't get married.

;;; This is a reference to Book IV, Act II, in which this was foretold

in a prophecy.

;;; They tried to get married, but, before they did, Lucy was killed by Jerome,

;;; which was when the party realised he had turned evil. Apparently!


Austin : [Alarmed] In the name of Aequilibra why? [Glances around for any immediate danger, hastily getting out some papers] Do you know of a suitably authorized humanist Celebrant in the vicinity? [Shuffles and checks some papers] I have a copy of the standard contract, if you find the terms suitable? [Takes a deeps breath] Now, venue, ring, honeymoon [Ponders]


Lucy: What on earth is wrong with you? We already signed our prenupts! And you were the one who told me about the prophecy!

Alice: [To Austin] Remember? The shared dream back in Asphyxia?

<A><a href=http://queens-view.com/Scripts/04.02.html#02.06.036>Prenupts</A> <P><A href=http://queens-view.com/Scripts/04.02.html#02.06.019>The prophecy of Lucy's death</A>


Austin : Yes yes, of course I remember, just joking! [Looks around] So we need a registrar.




Charlie: [Alarmed] Mr. Sleaze, are you quite sure? Marriage is not to be taken lightly!


Austin : [Frowns, annoyed at Charlie and Dur] What part of this is confusing you? You are on my guest list because ... it seemed appropriate some moments ago. Please do not give me grounds to change that.


Alice: There's a registrar behind the counter! [Points to the cash register]

Lucy: What HARMA baddie? What is a HARMA?

Deuce: What's a HARMA? Where've you been for the last four years? I wish I could unknown them!


Austin : The HARMA are a despot controlled hierarchical right wing extremist anti-pathist army.


Lucy: And why don't I know about them? [Looks around] Where is everyone else? Who are these people?


Austin : Well, I don't know why you don't know what you don't know, but it may be something to do with you being dead for the past four years. If by everyone else, you mean the Queens-view party, Trindle is now Phili, Harvey ran away screaming mad things, Chassers retired, and Alice is here [Gestures to Alice] and Mr Scar is there [points] .


Lucy: Dead? [Takes a drink] That seems a little unlikely, doesn't it? Given that I am now sitting here?


Dur: For us? Nah. Seems like just another day honestly!


Austin : [Sweetly] Well, no my love. I myself have been dead several times. Do you know what year it is?


Lucy: Of course I do! It's 1280. Isn't it? Isn't it? I'm really uncomfortable with being dead!

;;; The actual date is 1283. Yes, Aus said four years, but the web site

;;; has a typo, so that's my fault. Let's skip over that!


Clint: Nah. It's 1283. Congratulations, you're experiencing your first "so I've been dead" moment! [Encouragingly.] You get used to them after a while.


Lucy: But what happened? Why don't I remember anything?


Austin : Well, I think it's probably because there was nothing to do the remembering. It takes a little bit of getting used to, and hopefully it won't ever happen again for you. It gets quite tiring after a while.


Deuce: I don't know, Aus. It made me kinda hungry!

[For once, LUCY appears to be speechless, and doesn't respond to AUSTIN. The party are distracted by a polite cough from the opposite end of the bar. It is DOMINQUE DOMINICK, a beautiful woman dressed very nicely.]

Dominique: It's impossible to not overhear you, particularly since I was trying to anyway, but dead? Really? Is Nigel involved in this?

;;; Dominique is the love of Clint's life, who was brainwashed and

stolen from him by Boddy, who

;;; married her. She was accidentally killed by the party a few acts later.


;;; And yes, Boddy's first name was actually revealed to be Nigel,

although no one ever called

;;; him by that name


Clint: And as far as what happened goes, Jerry killed you, but then he become Phili, so that's all sorted now.


Dominique: [To Clint] Well, Bumpy? What's going on?


email just came in) #58ish

Clint: [Splutters.]


Dominique: [Smiles] Poor old Bumpy! I really must have been dead! [Rubs his arm reassuringly] What happened?

Alice: Er... someone blew you up in an explosion!


Austin : [Looking a little flustered] Ah, Dominique. So very good to see you. [Looks around to see who else is in the room] This is all starting to get a little 'impending apocalypse' like.


Charlie: Indeed, this is most extraordinary! The dead are rising! What can it mean? [To the Dominique] Do you have any memory of your recent activities, etc?


Clint: It must be, because I agree with the lawyer! [To Dominique, somewhat shyly.] So, uh, how's married life treating you? Married re-life, I guess?


Dominique: Oh, not bad, but you know, Clint, you were always my real love. [To Charlie] I remember going to Ergasia with Nigel, but not a lot more. [Smiles warmly] Are you with Clint now? You seem like a nice couple!


Charlie: [Laughs] Oh my, no! Our Mr. Scar is what one might politely refer to as a [finger quotes] confirmed bachelor.


Austin : [To Dominique] Mr Scar was rather lost after your leaving this world.


Clint: [Defensively.] Hey, that's what happens when people you lo.. lo... care about get blown to smithereens!


Dominique: Well, now I'm back. [Looks at Alice cosying up to Deuce] I see you found someone too, Alice.

Alice: Not even being dead can keep us apart! He just can't get away from me!

Deuce: [Downs his drink] It's great!


Clint: So, uh, does anyone have any idea why all our dead loved ones are coming back to life? [To Dominique, hastily.] Not that it's not a good thing!


Deuce: I guess it depends on what's been going on since we died. How are things going since Jerome took over?


Austin : [Frowns, then smiles] Well, we are still alive! For the moment at least.


Deuce: Are you sure?


Charlie: [Wails] Not again! I've died twice this last year, and I shall never finish my book at this rate!


Austin : [To Deuce] No, but who cares if I'm wrong?


Alice: [To Charlie] I guess there's a bright side to everything!

Deuce: You might, if the only place you can be alive is in this bar.


Charlie: Oh, why couldn't it have been a library?! [Haunted] Perhaps this is hell?

;;;Out for a couple of hours!


Alice: Oh come on! If it was hell, would Clint be here? [Thinks] Hm.


Austin : [Looks around] I don't think so. Last time I was there it was not nearly as nice as this.


Isobel: [Who's behind the bar] Of course it's not! And I'm certainly alive! In fact, we know a really fun song about a man who told lots of lies and found himself in hell. It's called My Hot Sticky Mess.

Deuce: We're in hell alright.


Dur: Is Deuce suggesting that he and his fellow zombies are unable to leavethis bar?


Charlie: Oooh, let's experiment! [Tries to poke her foot out the door of the bar]


Deuce: No, just that we don't want to!


[CHARLIE successfully pokes her foot out.]


Austin : Not much of a pilot study. [Tries to set outside then back in]


[AUSTIN skillfully steps out and back in again.]

Alice: Let me try!

[Steps out through another door but runs smack into an invisible barrier.]

Alice: Ow! Oh no! I must be dead!

Isobel: Actually, that's a sliding door, and it's closed.

Alice: Why is it so gosh darned clean?

Isobel: [Points to a disturbing amount of blood and snot on the once pristine glass] It isn't any more.

Alice: That was there before I ran into it!

;;; Out for an hour!


Austin : [Sighs] All that hard work and high risk of personal injury, and we only have an 'n' of 3! That's why I avoided science and studied law.


Charlie: [To Deuce] Well, you should stay and enjoy yourself as long as you like, but we really must be going. I don't suppose you've seen my mother, have you?


Clint: Or her crazy homicidal daughter? You can't be too careful about these things!


Deuce: Are either of those tall redheads with a tendency to use whips?


Charlie: My daughter or my mother?! Really, Deuce!


Austin : A bottle of peroxide, another of B'Oreal Feria Hot Chilli Red Hair Dye an hour in the bathroom, just add a whip and your there! [Drifts off into a day dream]


Clint: Lawyer! Not in front of your long-dead fiance! [To Dominique.] Some people, huh?


Dominique: I think it's kinda cute that he'd like to dye his hair.

Lucy: [To Clint] Oh please. I'd be disappointed if he didn't already have all that stuff with him right now.

Deuce: Hey look, I wasn't insinuating that I wanted to have sex with your daughter, Charlie, but --

[Fortunately for everyone, DEUCE is interrupted by a man who is sitting at a nearby table, holding a newspaper.]

Man: Choo! Choo!


Charlie: [Startled] Father?!


[He puts the paper down, revealing that it is indeed RUDYARD PARKER-KENSINGTON, but looking almost twenty years younger than when the party last saw him]

Rudyard: Choo choo Charlie!


Charlie: [Rushes to hug Rud] Oh, Father! You're ali--uh, here! What brings you to Nostaglia? [Looking him over worriedly] Are you quite well?


Rudyard: [Returns the hug] Given the conversation that I've been listening in to, along with your reaction, I suspect I'm a long way from being quite well. [Looks her up and down] Another grandchild? [Looks at Deuce] That's not the one this guy wants to see in a leather suit, is it?

Deuce: No sir! I just meant her mother!

Rudyard: You want to have sex with my wife? [Gives the party a playful wink] What the hell is wrong with you, man?


Clint: [Pretty creeped out by now.] Are we suuuure we're not dead?


Charlie: [Anxiously] I'm afraid something dreadful DID happen to you, Father, but it is ever so good to see you now. [Beaming] And, yes, you have a granddaughter and another grandchild on the way!


Clint: Just don't ask who the father is!


Rudyard: [Gives Charlie a warm look] Is it Pestilence?


Charlie: Well, yes. [Quickly] But he is a changed man! In fact, he's an angel now because of his terribly noble sacrifice to save us all!


Rudyard: Well, Choo-Choo, I hope he is! I just had a bad feeling that something awful was going to happen that night in our house. I hope it didn't.


Charlie: [Teary-eyed] Yes, well, would you like to see a photo of your granddaughter, Wilhelmina?! [Fumbles and producing a huge collection of pictures of Will]


Alice: Oh, this will be delightful! [Turns to the party, looking horrified] Oh God! I really do want to see them! It's getting worse!

Rudyard: Great! Let's see the little ankle biter! [Scans through them] Yikes! How long have I been dead?

Lucy: [Rolls her eyes on seeing the pictures] Now I'm starting to wish I was dead again!


Austin : [Grimacing at the doting] There may be a very long queue.


Alice: Who else here is dead? Maybe that might be a clue into what's going on?

;;; Gone for the afternoon! Back to normal tomorrow


[A woman, at a nearby table, HATIE KOPKINS, speaks up.]

Hatie: I can assure you. I most certainly am not dead. [Looks Dur in the eye] Hello, Dur.

Dur: What? Ha-ha-Hatie? [Quickly grabs Deuce's drink so he can drop it in shock]

Deuce: Hey!


Charlie: [Looks at Hatie and frowns] Who are you? And why are you willing to look Dur in the eye?


Hatie: Oh, Dur and I go way back. I'm Hatie Kopkins. Lady Hatie Kopkins.


Charlie: Ooooh, yes. I remember you, now! Bad news, I'm afraid. Our Dur has found another love, and she treats him far more kindly than you did!


Hatie: All the more reason why he would want to be with me, isn't that right, Dur?

;;; Kevin is safely asleep!

Dur: Uh, that's right!

Hatie: What has she been feeding him?


Charlie: [Triumphantly] All manner of disgusting rubbish!

;;; That's my three, I do believe!


Austin : [Casually] He is with spawn, that bulge is pregnancy, not lard. Dur's wife is a demon. [Sighs]


Last from Dom 109

Hatie: Mm! Forbidden love? I like it!


Dur: Of course you do! It's all you ever wanted from me! [Dur says grumpily]


Hatie: I love when you pout, Dur. It's so seeeexy.


Dur: [Sighs] What are you doing here Hatie. I haven't seen you since the Bliss. Or heard from you. Typical really.=20


Hatie: You've never been more attracted to me, have you? [Looks around] I have no idea what I'm doing here, or even where we are, but I can assure you, I most certainly am not dead.


Charlie: [Intrigued] No? [Looks around] How many of you DO think you're dead?


Dur: And if only the living can leave this tavern, there should be an easy way to test your breathing status right?=20


Austin : [Casually check his nails] I suspect the answer is zero. Perhaps you could see how many know what year it is, and where they think they have been since they last remember anything.


[A previously unnoticed woman speaks up. This is ANGELA CHAPMAN, a woman in her mid-twenties with unfeasibly large glasses.]

Angela: Well, I'm sorry, but this is the most ridiculous conversation I have heard for a long time!

[JORDAN's eyes bulge and he turns to face her.]

Jordan: Angela?? [Brightens] Are you dead?

Angela: Of course not, silly! I'm as alive as you are!

Lucy: [To Austin] Typical. Still getting other people to do your work?


Austin : [To Lucy] Indeed. Someone has to keep this whole this focussed and on track. [Sighs] Most days it's like herding academics in a conference. Nigh on impossible.


Lucy: Not to mention undesirable, uninteresting and, in the case of computer science, often unsanitary.


Austin : [Shudders at the thought] Truly primordial. Thought that may be insulting to slime.


Jordan: Angela's not dead, right? Are you?

Angela: If I am it's news to me! [Steps out of the bar and back in again] Guess I'm alive!


Charlie: Right, let's all go outside for just a moment, just to see! [Heads outside, then turns back to the others expectantly] Chop, chop!


Austin : [To Lucy] They require patience, a lot of patience. [Sighs] Would you like something to drink perhaps?


Lucy: They are very tiresome. And yes, that would be ideal.

Angela: [Bounds out, pushing past Charlie] Let's go out for more than a few moments! And maybe myself and Jordan could find some private time?

Jordan: [Smiles] Great idea, Angie! [To the party] Wow! This is just how she used to be before!


Austin : [Goes to the bar] Two Louis XV, please.

;;; And now my mail

Isobel: Certainly!

[Everyone else goes and stands outside the bar, meanwhile, ISOBEL hands over what appear to be two glasses of fizzy orange.]

Isobel: Enjoy!


Austin : [Inspects the contents of the glasses] This appears to be fizzy orange, not Louis XV. Do you have Louis XV? [Looks at the bottles behind the bar] What do you have?


Charlie: [To Isobel] More importantly, are you dead?


Isobel: Yes I am -- I'm dead keen on making sure that everyone has healthy drinks! [To Austin] We have fizzy lemon, too. But you need to be careful, it's really lemony.


Charlie: [Looks at the drinks disapprovingly] We haven't time for this just now. We must find my mother and see what she has learned!


Rudyard: Uh, I'm afraid I better not come along, Choo-Choo. She wasn't too happy when we last met up. [Looks around at the others in general] Now I'm starting to understand why.


Charlie: [To Rud, elated] You've seen Mother? Where? What happened?


Rud: In her hotel bedroom. She screamed and said that I wasn't real. No more than a physical manifestation of her subconscious guilt and desires. Then she threw a shoe at me. It kinda hurt.


Austin : Who designed the shoe?

;;; out for the rest of the day


Charlie: [To Austin] Someone sensible, I am certain! [To Rud, eagerly] Oh, in this hotel?! Upstairs?


Rud: No, it was across the road. Barney's Old Time Tavern On Moon. That's Moon Road.

;;; Gone for the weekend!


Alice: Bottom?

Rud: It's better than Come Stay Inn.


Charlie: [To Rud] Thank you, Father! [Links arms with Rud] Now, come with us, and we will explain things to Mother.


Deuce: This ought to be good.

Hatie: [To Dur] I have a room upstairs. When you're ready, you can come crawling to me.

[Exit ALL but HATIE.]


[Book IX, Act VII, Scene III. The Streets of Nostalgia. ALICE, AUSTIN, CHARLIE, CLINT, DUR, JORDAN, DEUCE, LUCY, RUD, DOMINIQUE and ANGELA are here, heading towards Moon St.]

Deuce: So what is going on here? Have we established yet who's dead?

Angela: I'm certainly not dead!


Charlie: [To Rud and Deuce, sorrowfully] I personally witnessed your deaths, so I am afraid you are--or at least WERE--dead at one stage. [To Lucy] I believe many of my colleagues also witnessed your untimely death, as well.


Rud: That certainly makes some sense. This all does seem a little weird to me.

Alice: [Nods sadly] It's true, Lucy. Just before the ceremony.


Charlie: As for the others, I am not certain. [To the party] Can any of you confirm their deaths?

;;;That's my three!


Alice: Well, we know that Rud, Dominique and Deucie died, but not the rest.


Dur: I would hate to think that Hatie could have died without me knowing.... [Rubs his baby bump] But we have been a bit preoccupied have we not?

;;; lol, Conor did you add me on linked in?


Alice: Maybe her husband found out?

;;; yes! I was forced to set up an account and

;;; it mailed everyone in my inbox who also

;;; has one!


Dur: I believe he did find out during the Bliss so that is a possibility. [Looks back at the inn a bit wistfully] Perhaps I should go speak to her abo= ut it privately...

;;; Ha! No hiding now buddy!


Clint: I think we can pretty safely say that everyone here is dead except for maybe us [gestures around at the party] and I'm not sure about us!


Charlie: [Haughtily] I am well familiar with being dead at this stage, and I am most certainly NOT dead.


Clint: Well, that's a relief! So, let's find this prophecy and make sure we stay not dead!


Alice: You sure do smell like you're dead, though, Stinky!


Clint: Nah. I smell like I'm alive!

;;; More's the pity, eh?


Alice: [Sniffs] Now that you mention it, you do smell way worse than a dead guy.

Deuce: So other than the party members, who at least think they're alive, there's myself and Rud who know they're dead, and then Lucy, who didn't know, and then Angela, Hatie and Dominique, who don't think they are. So what's the difference here?


Charlie: Well, you and Father are likely a good deal more intelligent than the others. [To the others] No offense!


Rudyard: Not to mention that I'm now a lot younger than I remember being, and also that your mother told me I was dead. She was usually right about everything.

Deuce: And I distinctly remember having my brains eaten. [Shrugs] That's not the sort of thing you normally just bounc back from.


Charlie: Perhaps the rest of you died in unremarkable ways? [Looks at Lucy and then laughs nervously] Though, not so much you, of course.


Lucy: [Gives Charlie a cold look] Unlike you who, I'm sure, are entirely unremarkable in every way.

Angela: My last memory is being in Apraxia. I was crossing Main St on the way to get some of those delicious pastries that Jordan used to like so much.

;;; Dom? Drew? Are you guys around?


Charlie: [To Angela] Oh, dear. And you remember nothing after that? Perhaps you were knocked down by a carriage?

;;;And now I'm out for a couple of hours. Poor lonely Conor!


Austin : Can we focus here please! We are clearly all alive, even though nearly all of us has been dead at least once. Our top priority is to find someone qualified to perform a marriage registration. Lucy and I cannot afford to wait.

;;; sorry, was out yesterday. All day meetings. Poor quality sandwich

and bring your own tea. Academia is going down hill fast!


Alice: Oh! How exciting! [To Lucy] You must be ever so excited about the wedding night. [Lowers her voice] I understand that it doesn't hurt all that much.

Lucy: [To Austin] Did she suffer some sort of brain damage?

;;; Outrageous!


Austin : Yes, Trindle has been warping her brain to make her like the woman he desires. Far more devastating than normal frontal lobe brain damage.


Lucy: It seems like you ought to be able to exploit that in some way.


Charlie: [Sheepishly] Well, we HAVE tried, but it has a way of not quite working to plan.


Deuce: Give it time. The last guy she married didn't come out of it too well!


Charlie: Well, we haven't all the time in the world, I'm afraid! We are under some pressure to recover the prophecy. [Excited] Deuce, you wouldn't happen to know where would find a copy?!


Deuce: The prophecy? I thought we already had it and used it to stop Clementine from destroying the world?


Charlie: Indeed we did, but our copy was incomplete, as it turns out! Have you heard nothing about it?


Deuce: No! Then again, I have been dead for a while. If anyone knows, I bet it's that HARMA bitch. They did try to steal all The Books and all.

;;; out for 1.5 hours!


Dur: You mean the one that Austin had that fling with?


Austin : A fling? [Tuts] I'd hardly call a year in a hell dimension 'a fling'. It was more like warfare.



Lucy: Who is this whore?


Clint: Oh, she's some cold, unfeeling HARMA person by the name of Amelia. She doesn't have your warm, cuddly personality. [Winks at Dominique when Lucy isn't looking.]


Austin : [To Lucy] She's not a whore, sweetheart. She is a girl I fought beside in Mistoheusto, a dungeon dimension.


Last from Dom 34

Lucy: And what is the name of this...

Dominique: [Smiling at Clint] Jezebel?


Austin : No. Her name is Amelia.


Charlie: [Disapprovingly] And she is MOST unhelpful.


Austin : Apart from when she is saving us from prison and or death. That is quite helpful.



Austin : [Claps his hands] Let's try and keep some focus here! We need to find a registrar, and then stop Trindle from upsetting the balance of power any further, aka, save the realms!


Clint: It's not just you, doc!


Deuce: I agree with Austin. Let's find someone to marry him to Louise as soon as possible. She's way nicer than Amelia. Damned dirty book burning bitch.

Lucy: [Coldly to Deuce] My name is Lucy.

Alice: Surely you want to get married in a church, Austin?


Austin : What? [Looks confused. Then winks at Alice] Oh, good idea, but we don't really have time for that, and it didn't go so well the last time. We will have to simply stick to getting married. [To Lucy] What is your preference, darling?


Clint: Well, whatever it is, let's make it snappy! We've got a world to save and all that. I'd say you should have Phili marry you, but...


Lucy: It certainly won't be a church. And let me remind you, Austin, sections 7B, 8C and 10D all expressly forbid extra-marital affairs without the prior written agreement and subsequent involvement of the other party. [To the party] Take us to the registrar! [Clicks her fingers] Quickly!


Charlie: [To Lucy, helpfully] Well, he did think you were on a break, in a manner of speaking, when you were dead.


Alice: It's just like me and Jordie getting together when Deucie was gone, right, Jordan?

[No answer. The party look around, JORDAN and ANGELA are gone.]

Alice: Hey!


Charlie: Oh, for--surely this is no time for indulging in carnal pleasures! [Primly] The time for that is late at night under the cover of dark, after Alice has fallen asleep and no one can hear anything over Clint's snoring in the next room! [Laughs awkwardly] I mean, in theory!


Deuce: [Laughs] I know what you mean!

Alice: Hey!


Charlie: Well, we had better make sure they are uninjured, given what an odd place this is. [Calls out] Hello?! Jordan?

;;; Deuce is such a freak! How I've missed him!


Alice: I'm sure I don't know what you're talking about!

[The door is opened by FATHER BLISS COOPER, a somewhat rough looking priest with a cheeserette hanging out of his mouth]

Bliss: 'sup?


Charlie: [Shakes her head decisively] They do not usually gravitate toward governmental offices. They tend to prefer mayhem and chaos and such. [To Lucy, modestly] I am something of an expert on demonology.


Clint: Chuck, given the lawyer's luck with weddings, maybe we'd better stick around for this!


Clint: [Glances at Lucy.] Frankly, Sarge, I'm not sure we're getting the better end of that deal!


Charlie: Indeed, and hopefully we shall have no more of that Amelia creature after this!


Alice: And not just Austin! [Points to Charlie] Fiance killed her father, [to Clint] fiancee ran off with ex-best friend, [points to herself] fiance had brain eaten by demon PLUS had to eat a demon's brain.

Rudyard: Really?

Alice: Well, I didn't *have* to. Anyway, [points at Dur] married a demon that smells almost as bad as Clint! I think it's fair to say that we haven't had the best luck at weddings. But that's all about to change. Let the word go out that there will never be another death at a Queens View wedding again!


Charlie: [Hedges] Well, I never knew you, to be fair, but anyone is better than Amelia! [Claps her hands] Now, let us get on with it so we may be on our way!


Austin : [Chuckles] Oh, how I have missed your blisteringly sharp wit [Kisses Lucy]


Clint: Haw! When you put it like that, Bimbo, maybe we should put off the lawyer's wedding until we can get reinforcements!


Lucy: It must be in your blood.


Alice: We can think of it as a trial run for when Jerome and I get married!

Deuce: Married? You can't be serious! That's crazy!

Alice: Look, Deuce, it might seem crazy, cold, and sure, a little too much like getting into bed with a dead body, but Austin loves her!


ur wedding was lovely.

Dur: [Cheerfully to Austin] Still want to get married?


Alice: We all preferred you to Amelia, Loos!


Clint: [Nods to Lucy and Austin.] Those two need to get married, pronto, so we can get on with our lives and save the world!


Alice: Hopefully there'll be a priest there who can bless the marriage. We wouldn't want it to be an abomination in god's eyes, now, would we? [Knocks on the registrar's door]


Clint: The rest of us can just wait out here so we can fight off the hordes of... whatever tries to stop you from getting married this time.


Austin : [Beginning to loose patience with all the chatter] Of course I want to marry her! [Stomps his foot. Calms down. To Lucy, nodding towards the registrars office, offers Lucy his arm] Shall we?

;;; sorry, crazy day, and probably another tomorrow

;;; Conor, please feel free to make so Aus posts tomorrow :)


s on the registrar's door]

Dur: I don't know Alice. Judging by his recent taste, it seems like this might be right up Phili's alley.=20


Alice: [As Lucy takes Austin's arm] What if the horde is inside?


Dur: But what's a marriage without threatening those close to your betrothed? Absurd , that's what that is!

;;; Here I come to save the day! [Yes I was really singing it!]


Rudyard: Where on earth will we find a registrar in this goodforsaken town? It's not like it was in my day, where you'd find one down every str- oh look, there's one! [Points to a building]


Charlie: Right! [To Austin] You go on and break poor Amelia's [slightly dubiously] heart? I shall go find Mother and see what she has learned about the prophecy!


Charlie: [To Lucy] Do refrain from threatening our colleagues! We are trying to make your dream wedding come true, after all!

;;; That's my three.


Rudyard: He must be back in the hotel. Will we go back and get him?

Lucy: We certainly will not! I've already had one wedding ruined by having been murdered half an hour before a ceremony. I certainly won't let it happen again.

Alice: You could say that it will only happen over your dead body!

Lucy: [Narrows her eyes] It's more likely to happen over yours.


Charlie: [Sniffs] Actually, Pestilence and I were already married when he hacked Father to death with an axe, I think you'll find! [Sighs happily] Our wedding was lovely.


Bliss: Well come on in then! [To Alice] Alice!

Alice: [Blushes] Er, hello Fr. Cooper!


Charlie: [To Alice, surprised] You know this man?


Alice: No! I never met him before in my life!


Charlie: [To Bliss] Could you perform a quick wedding ceremony for us? [Nods at Austin and Lucy] These lovebirds are quite excited and ready to take the matrimonial plunge, so to speak.


Austin : [Taking Lucy by the hand] We are in a bit of a rush.


Bliss: No problem, Chastity is already here.


Austin : Chassers! Wow, where?


Charlie: How splendid! It will be a delightful reunion of the group. [Hesitates] Oh, dear. How could she know we would be here? Could she be [discreetly makes a cut-throat motion]


reetly >makes a cut-throat motion]

Dur: Perhaps that stick up her bum finally did her in?


Deuce: Ah! What a way to go!

Bliss: Chastity is in the chapel, getting ready for the ceremony -- she has some preparations to make, but should be done before Peter has the wedding dress done.


Dur: Soooo.... uhhhh..... you really were expecting us?


Charlie: [Ghoulishly delighted] Peter Deadpan might be dead?!


Clint: [Also delighted.] Well hey, this just keeps getting better and better!


Dominique: [To Clint] Hey! You better be joking about Peter!

Bliss: Of course we weren't expecting you. As soon as Peter and Chastity heard you were getting married, they wanted to be involved!


Clint: [Gives Dominique an apologetic look while thinking quickly.] It's just that it's great that our old friend can be here for such a joyous occasion, that's all... Chas too!


Charlie: But how could they know about this occasion when we only set it in motion moments ago?!


ion, that's all... >Chas too!

Dur: But we just now told you about it!


Last from Heather and Kevin

Bliss: Come on in and share the joy! [Steps back to let them in]


Clint: [Gallantly offers Dominique his arm.] Shall we? [Steps inside.]


Last from Tom

Dominique: Certainly!

Bliss: I like the new look Alice.

Alice: [Enters] I don't know who this guy is.


Charlie: [Follows Alice] Indeed, this is all most extraordinary! Perhaps Sister Chastity will be able to provide some answers?


Clint: [Nods.] If I know Chas, she'll provide more than just answers...


Austin : The only one missing is the Colonel. [Passable impersonation of Harvey] What!

;;; random amounts of post today!


Deuce: Let's do this thing.

[Enter ALL, through the door.]


[Book IX, Act VII, Scene IV. The Little Chapel o' Love. ALICE, AUSTIN, CHARLIE, CLINT, DUR, DEUCE, LUCY, RUDYARD, DOMINIQUE and BLISS arrive. It is a tasteless Vegas-style trashy, over the top pink everything that is so luridly bright that several of the party members put on shades.]

Alice: Isn't this the most beautiful thing you've ever seen?


Charlie: [Shades her eyes and wrinkles her nose] No, it is positively horrid! [To Austin] Really, Mr. Sleaze, is this how you envisioned this special day?


Austin : [Does a double take at Alice] Back to your old self for a change. [Grimaces at the d=C3=A9cor] It will have to do I suppose. [Puts on a large pair of shades, matching Lucy's]


Alice: You people have no souls.

Bliss: Isn't it great? Normally we have a Pelvis impersonator do the wedding, but Chastity has some special vows for you guys.


Charlie: [Unconvincingly] Won't that be--nice? [Looks around] Where is Sister Chastity?



Chastity: Ah! There they are! The happy couple! [Beams at the party] What a happy occasion! How wonderful to see you all. [Looks the party up and down] Just arrived? Not had a chance to change yet?


Charlie: [Smiles] Hello, Sister! Yes, we have only just arrived. How long have you been expecting us?


Dur: And what has happened to you since we parted ways?


Chastity: Oh, just a few minutes, I think, dear. [Looks at Charlie] I certainly hope you're married, young lady. [To Dur] I set up a house of prayer for young ladies who had fallen victim to sin and wicked ways. I assumed it was only a matter of time before Alice found her way there.

Alice: Hey!

Chastity: I see you have improved somewhat, dear. I certainly hope it isn't part of some tawdry, disgusting sex game.


Dur: [Dryly] Prepare to be disappointed.


Austin : [To Chastity] Good to see you again. I hear that you have prepared personal vows for Lucy and I, which was terribly kind of you. May I see them?


Chastity: Of course not, you silly man! I don't want you interfering with something so holy and solemn! [To Lucy] Come, dear, let's see if we can fit you into that dress.

Bliss: I'll get the churchin' stuff together. Why don't you guys have a bit of an old pray? Alice, I'll see you later.

[CHASTITY smoothly escorts LUCY out of the chapel, followed by BLISS.]

Alice: [Blushing, turns to Deuce] I don't know what he's talking about!


Alice: Is she the real Chastity? I mean, Deucie, you're the real Deuce, right?

Deuce: [Thinks] Crazed desire for ham? Check. [Feels the size of his head] Unusually large head? Check. [Rubs his behind] Superbly contoured ass? Check. [Shrugs] I don't know, Puddin' Pop, I certainly feel real.

Alice: [Rubs Deuce's ass] To me too.


Charlie: Indeed, little of this makes sense. I fail to understand how Chastity would know we were coming here, let alone be prepared for a wedding. [To Austin] Mr. Sleaze, I know this is difficult, but I suggest we leave at once.


Austin : [Sighs] Truly, your jealousy knows no bounds! Besides, we can't leave without Lucy. [Goes to the exit that Lucy left by to see if he can see where they went]


Charlie: [Urgently] This is not about jealousy, but rather caution! What if this is some sort of horrific demonic soul-binding ceremony, and not a wedding at all?!


Deuce: Can't it be both?

[AUSTIN pulls open the door but LUCY is not to be found.]

Dominique: It does seem a little strange that Chastity got here so quickly, doesn't it?


Austin : It is all strange. All those we know that died, newly back from the dead, all here in one place. It was Trindle that murdered Lucy, perhaps he is trying to undo all of that?


Clint: If he is, he'd better stop! [Smiles apologetically at Dominique.] He's not very good at this not messing with the balance thing, is he?

;;; Sorry all. Sunday night's insomnia apparently caught up to me this



Dominique: He doesn't seem to be!

Deuce: He didn't kill me, though, did he? Nor Rud. Maybe it's not Jerome?


Dominique: He doesn't seem to be!

Deuce: He didn't kill me, though, did he? Nor Rud. Maybe it's not Jerome?


Clint: If there's one thing that I learned from my years of travelling with Chastity, it's that when in doubt, blame god!


Deuce: That certainly seems to be the case now!

;;; Stuck in a meeting until at least FOUR!


Charlie: Yes, and he has been rather badly behaved of late!

;;; Poor old Conor!


Austin : [Deadpan] Perhaps we should call his mother so that she can keep him in lone. [Looks around] Where is Peter?


Clint: Maybe he's busy organizing the wedding reception?


Deuce: Peter Deadpan? Oh man, I love that guy!

Rudyard: Isn't he great? He introduced me to wife! He even made her dress for the wedding -- I bet he's working on Lucy's one.


Charlie: [Looks ill] Peter Deadpan introduced my parents?! I have him to thank for my very life?


Rudyard: He was your favourite babysitter! You two were so cute together.


Charlie: [Shudders] Dear GOD! [Composes herself] Now, group, I do think we should consider leaving this place and finding Mother before we do anything rash. One does not wish to legally bind Mr. Sleaze before obtaining all the facts, true?


Austin : [To Charlie, alarmed] You may stand at the back where you are not in the way, and applaud at the appropriate moments.


Alice: It does all seem a little weird, Aus, you must admit?

[Enter PETER DEADPAN, strolling along the corridor that LUCY went up.]

Peter: [With a huge smile] Hi everyone! It's great to see you all!


Austin : Peter! What a delightful surprise! How did you know that we were coming?


Peter: Chassers told me! It's really keen to see everyone! [Gives Alice a hug] Hiya, sweetie!

Alice: Help! What's he doing?

;;; Gone for the day!


Clint: [Suspiciously.] Who are you and what have you done with the real Peter?


Austin : [Very sad] I thought you were Peter Deadpan, not some impostor!


Peter: I am Peter Deadpan! What's up? Come on guys, we're all buddies!


Peter: Of course I do! Everyone loves Peter!

Alice: I don't, he's totally obnoxious.


Austin : [To Peter] He is adorable, and you are neither Peter nor adorable.


Charlie: [Nods] Indeed, perhaps we should rethink this wedding plan, given that things are obviously not quite right here!


Peter: Do I sense some pre-wedding jitters?

;;; Drew is out for a few months, so please make sure

;;; he's off the list


Peter: Yes! I'll get the shotgun, we need this to happen asap!


Charlie: [Alarmed] Er, right! You run find the shotgun, and we shall watch Mr. Sleaze!


Austin : [To Charlie] If you must! [Tuts] I should sell tickets, I'd make a fortune.



Charlie: [Skeptically] You do not SOUND like Peter Deadpan.


Peter: Because everyone should share in the joy of being happily married!


Charlie: But the important part is that they be [finger quotes] happily married, is it not? [To Austin, urgently] Do you not wish to reflect a bit about this rash move?


Austin : Rash? The wedding started four years ago! What I am worried about is that this is clearly not Peter! It's more like a Peter created by Trindle!


Alice: Rash? You mean, Lucy has [whispers] an infection?

Peter: [Laughs] Oh, Austin! You do talk such nonsense! Still, if it's what makes you happy, I'll wait outside until after the wedding.

[Exit PETER.]


Charlie: Then WHY isn't is just possible this is a Lucy created by Trindle, as well?!


Austin : It's possible that all of the previously deceased we have met recently were recreated by Trindle, as well as he could. Of course, Peter may never have been dead, so that may be why he is nothing like Peter, but a poor imitation instead.


[Enter CHASTITY, now dressed in dazzlingly white robes.]

Chastity: Don't just stand there! Get into proper church positions!

[Clearly, no one has any idea what that means.]

Chastity: Good grief! You bunch of heathens! Into the church and start pretending you believe!


Charlie: True, I suppose it is true we have no reason to believe Peter is dead. Well, if you are set on getting married today, then let us proceed! [Eagerly digs through a knapsack and offers Austin a brand-new, pocket-sized blue notepad still in shrink-wrap] Here, it is something new AND blue! [Quickly] And borrowed--I shall need it back!


Clint: [On his way into the church.] Say, Chas, tell us something only you would know. [Shrugs.] Peter's being nice, and it's creeping us out!


Chastity: Let's see... my second husband, George, was a big fan of crocheting. [Proudly] He could knock out a bonnet in an hour.

[Nobody is in the least bit impressed.]

Alice: How big was this bonnet?

Chastity: Big enough to fit over an Irishman's head.

[Everyone gasps in amazement and break into a polite round of applause.]


Clint: Well, I'm convinced! Okay, lawyer, let's get you married up so we can get on with things!


Alice: Sure, but who does what? I mean, we need a best man, and it clearly can't be Stinky or Dur. Maybe Deuce? He could lend the right sort of gravitas to the situation.

Deuce: [Looks up from a large ham that he's chomping on] Huh? Sure! I'd love to, Aus!


Austin : Thank you. However, there are too many anomalies for this to be so straight forward. Chastity is not behaving like the Chastity I remember, neither is Peter, he is not nearly as funny, in fact, he's not funny at all!


Alice: I don't know, Aus, I never thought Peter was funny, and Chastity? Well, she seems as mean as ever!

Deuce: So what do you want, Aus? Do it less straightforward? I can do that. [To the party] I once had to go to a wedding wearing a bridesmaid's dress.

Dominique: Really?

Deuce: Well, I didn't have to.


Clint: [Slowly.] So what you're saying is that we should have Peter and Chas switch outfits first?


Deuce: No! That would be crazy! I mean it should be you and Dominique.

Dominique: [To Clint] I'm game if you are.

Alice: Please! This is most unbecoming! And in a church of all places! On a Friday! At 2PM! Oh my good heck!


Clint: See, lawyer? If Alice isn't proof that people can change, what is? Does it really matter if you get married by a pod person?


Dur: [Coughs] I think we are overlooking an even more obvious solution here. I AM an ordained cleric after all and am perfectly qualified to perform a= wedding well away from these stressful surroundings...


Charlie: [Quickly] Oh GOD, no! You'd kill them both!


Clint: It's a wedding, not a surgery, Chuck! How bad could it be?


[Everyone turns and looks at DUR's hopeful face, lit up with promise and expectation.]

Alice: We're all going to die, aren't we?

I Have A Contract Worth 5.2 Million USD To Transact With You, If You Are Interested And For More Information Kindly reply back


Chastity: Only if Dur is the one who says the ceremony!


Charlie: [Wisely, patting Dur's head] Indeed, perhaps we should leave such delicate work to the professionals.


Dur: I thought we were looking for other options because this group of 'professionals' were making us nervous?=20


Alice: Nervous, yes. Reckless and foolhardy? Probably. Desperate? Not really. [To Austin] You're the one who wants to get married, Aus. What do you want to do?


Austin : Right now Dur's offer is most welcome. I really don't want to know what twisted vows Chastity has come up with. They will undoubtedly be unacceptable by either of us.

;; sorry for late post ... long day


Charlie: [To Dur] All right, you have the job! [Worriedly] Now, you DO know the wedding ceremony need not involve surgical instruments of any kind, right?


Deuce: Other than the scalpel for the castration part, eh? Amiright?


Austin : [Sternly] If it involves anything apart from those things necessary for it to be legally binding it's not happening.


Charlie: Right, then! Let us go obtain the necessary paperwork and such.


[Enter BLISS, with a big smile on his face.]

Bliss: Right! Lucy's ready! [Looks at Austin's wad] Ah! You've got your own forms? Great!


Austin : [Flourishes a wad of papers] I already have them. I just need Lucy. [Looks around, frustrated] Let's go and find her, somethings wrong!


;;; Kevin is out today and tomorrow

Dur: Let's get this thing going! Where's the bride?


Austin : [Looks around for Lucy] Not sure. [To Bliss] Where is Lucy?


Charlie: Drafting a pre-nuptial agreement, one assumes?


[Enter LUCY, looking ravishing in a super fussy wedding dress.]

Alice: Wow! That Peter sure can sew!


Lucy: I know. [Hands Austin a wad of forms] My pre-nupt.


Charlie: [Tries to get a peek] I shall take a look and advise you, Mr. Sleaze! You know what they say about those who represent themselves in legal proceedings!


Austin : [Startled. To Lucy] You look amazing!


;;; Tom's away this week

Clint: Yeah, they're almost as foolish as people who want to get married! [Looks at Dominique] Er, not if it was you, though.

Dominique: Oh, calm down, Bumpy, I'm not going to try and marry you -- yet!

Clint: [Offers Lucy his arm] Right. If we're gonna do this, let's do it right. I'll give her away.

Lucy: [Eyes up Clint] I think I'll have someone less filthy do it.


Charlie: I am afraid Mr. Sleaze is currently our only clean male member, but I should be honored to step in, if you like. [Offers Lucy her arm]


Austin : [Takes Lucy's prenuptial, and hands his to her.] Thank you darling. [Swiftly checks the prenuptial for any changes since he last saw it]


Lucy: [Takes her arm] You'll do, I suppose. You do have a certain masculinity about you.

Dur: [Stands at the top of the church] Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to pay our final respects to the deceased, insert name here. [Looks up and beams at the congregation]

Chastity: [Watching from the back, clearly unhappy] Amateur!


Lucy: [Quickly scans through Austin's prenupt] Mm. Nice work, Austin. Very nice! [Signs it with a flourish, and throws it over her back like a bouquet]

Alice: [Dashes to catch the prenupt, knocking people out of the way] I got it!


Austin : [Signs the prenuptial, and puts it in his satchel] Let's party!


Dur: Great! Where's the coffin?


Austin : This is a wedding, not a funeral! You do the 'join together this man and this woman in holy matrimony' bit! You do know the speech?


Dur: Of course I know the speech! What do you think I am! [Thumbs through the book] Ah! Here we are. [To Lucy] Do you, Lucy George Angel take this man to be your lawfully wedded lawyer?

Lucy: Yes.

Dur: [To Austin] Ring?


Austin : [Puts on a pair of sunglasses, then gets out a ring with a diamond so large it out sparkles all of the glitter balls in the church] Ring.


;;; Heather is out for a few hours

Charlie: [Shielding her eyes] Good Lord! It is larger than an Irishman's head!

Lucy: [Pops in a jeweller's eyepiece and examines the ring] Tolerable. [Gives a flicker of a smile]

Dur: And do you, Austin Mary Sleaze, take this lawyer to be your lawfully wedded...

[Everyone is distracted by the sound of someone banging on a large window high up. It is SVEN.]

Sven: [Bangs on the window] Auuuuuusten! [Rattles the window] Austin! Austin!


Austin : [Sighs] What is it Sven? Please do come in, you nearly missed the wedding!


Lucy: Forget him! [To Dur] Get on with it!


Charlie: Don't be silly! It will only take a moment. [To Sven] What is it, Mr. Goring?


Sven: You gotta get out of there! All of you!


Charlie: [Gasps] Oh, dear! [To the others] Hurry, let us evacuate at once!


Austin : [To Dur] Yes! [To Lucy kissing her] Let's get the hell out of here!


Dur: Wait! She has to put a ring on you first!

Sven: Don't do it! Don't do it!


Austin : [Stops before he puts the ring on. Stomps his foot. Furious, shouting] Why not?


Sven: Because it's not real. None of it is!

Bliss: Ignore him, Austin! Come on, do it!


Charlie: Austin, he must be right, and you know it! [To Rud] Daddy, tell him! Lucy isn't real!


Deuce: Lucy isn't real! [Looks embarrassed] Er, sorry, Rud.

Rud: [Looks from Deuce to Charlie] Hm. I think she's right, Austin.

Lucy: Austin, please! [Tears well up in her eyes] It's not true! I am real!


Charlie: [To Austin, urgently] Please, we must leave at once!


Austin : [To Lucy] Of course you are real babe. [Gives her a big kiss. To all] Let's get the hell out of here [Takes Lucy with him]


[Everyone runs towards the door leading out of the church.]

Bliss: No! Don't listen to him! [Slams the door]


Dur: Too late bub! We smelt something fishy and it ain't Clint this time! [Tries to shove Bliss aside] =20


[DUR roughly pushes BLISS to the side, but he punches DUR back.]

Bliss: Uh-uh! No one leaves!


Charlie: [Angrily] How dare you! Let us out at once, or we shall be forced to fight you.


Bliss: I don't think you want to do that.


Charlie: Of course we do not, but we will pass without incident. And you will cease manhandling our colleagues! [Pats Dur's head protectively]


Bliss: Remember the prophecy! Lucy will die again unless Austin marries her!

[SVEN rattles the window once more, and the party can see that HELENA, CHARLIE's mother, is with him.]

Helena: Don't listen to him!


Austin : [To Bliss] Please stand aside, otherwise you will be charged and arrested for kidnapping.


Austin : The Prophecy only said that she would dies the first time, it mentioned nothing of resurrection and dieing a second time.


Bliss: She'll die and she'll keep dying. Only you can stop it from happening!

Clint: Out of the way, bub. [Punches Bliss and knocks him down] That was the most fun punching a priest I've had in ages!


Dur: Better him than me! [Makes for the door]


[The party burst out of the church, followed by RUD, DEUCE and DOMINIQUE. CHASTITY is waiting outside.]

Chastity: Stop this at once!

[They dash out the front door.]

;;; End of scene, next one coming right up


[Book IX, Act VII, Scene V. The Streets of Nostalgia. ALICE, AUSTIN, CHARLIE, CLINT, DUR, LUCY, DOMINIQUE, DEUCE and RUDYARD race out of the chapel, where SVEN and HELENA wait in a running carriage.]

Helena: Quickly! [Points at Rud] But not him!


Charlie: [To Helena, grabbing Rud's arm] Mother, you can't be serious!


Helena: I'm dead serious, Charlotte.

Rud: She's right, Charlie.

;;; And... pause! Until Tuesday March 4th!


;;; And we're back, just barely on the date advertised!!

Sven: They're all dead.


Austin : Are you including Lucy? How is it that Lucy seems to be very very much alive?


Sven: It's just a trick!

Lucy: He's lying, Austin. You know he is!


Dur: If only there were some way we could confirm who was telling the truth!


Deuce: Well, given that the priest and the nun are charging out here with weapons, we should be able to guess!

[CHASTITY and FATHER BLISS race out of the church towards the party.]


Dur: Well, I'm convinced! Perhaps we should get away from here then?=20


Charlie: [Gasps] Indeed! [To Rud, nearly overcome] Oh, Father! I wish. . . .


Rud: You wish your psychopathic husband didn't kill me? Yeah! Me too! [Grabs for Charlie]


Clint: Uhh... [Looks over to make sure Dominique hasn't gone psycho on him.]


Dominique: Help her, Clint!

;;; Heather's afk

Charlie: [Pushes him back] Father! Please!


Clint: [Pleased.] Hey! [Steps up to push Rud away from Charlie.] Hands off the geek!


[CLINT pushes RUD backwards, and CHARLIE leaps onto the carriage.]

Sven: Come on! The rest of you too!

Lucy: Quickly, Austin! Before they catch us! [Looks fearfully on the oncoming Chastity and Sven]


Austin : [Sweeps Lucy into the carriage and gets in behind her] Let's go!


Clint: [Helps Dominique up into the carriage and then moves to get between the oncoming Bliss and the rest of the group.] And make it snappy, guys!


Sven: They can't come, guys!

Alice: [Also leaping on] And Deucie! He needs to come too!

Deuce: Sorry, Pixie Styx, but he's right. [Steps back, but suddenly looks enraged] You dumb bitch! You were never more than third choice for me!


Clint: [Moves to push Deuce away from Alice.] Hey! You don't get to talk to Alice that way, just because you got yourself killed.

;;; Deuce got cranky after he died!


Dur: As hard as it may seem, I think your deceased lovers will have to staybehind!


Clint: Not unless they go crazy they won't!


Lucy: He's right! Now, drive! [Grabs the whip and smacks the horses]

[The carriage roars off, with ALICE, AUSTIN, CHARLIE, CLINT, DUR, SVEN, GERTRUDE, DOMINIQUE and LUCY on it.]

Alice: [Fighting back some tears] That's definitely not Deucie! He'd never say something like that. I was always at least second choice!


Austin : Well, Dominique and Lucy are clearly real. [Gives Lucy a passionate kiss]


Lucy: [Returns the kiss as passionately] Too right!

[The kiss goes on and on.]

Sven: We better get under cover.


Charlie: [Nods] I quite agree. One prefers not to be associated with such crass public displays of affection.


Helena: [Sniffs haughtily] Quite.

[The carriage zooms down a tiny alleyway and races towards a wall, which is covered in a huge poster advertising "Nostalgic Holidays. Take a step into yesteryear", and which is adorned with all sorts of kitschy historical pictures.]

Alice: We're all gonna die!


Charlie: [Sagely] Tackiness never killed anyone. [Nods subtly at Alice]


Alice: But crashing into walls has!

[The carriage continues its journey towards the wall. Any second now it'll hit it.]


Austin : [Finished snogging with a huge pop as he detaches] Who the hell is driving?


Charlie: [Tries to grab the wheel to steer away from the wall] Brace yourselves!


Sven: I am!

[The carriage hits the poster, which turns out to be just that, a poster covering a hole in the wall. The carriage plunges into a very narrow passage.]

Alice: What the h - e - double hockeysticks are you doing, Sven?

Sven: Trying to hide!


Austin : I hope you have another poster! [Kisses Lucy passionately again]


[SVEN jams on the brakes and the carriage skids to a halt. Mercifully breaking LUCY and AUSTIN apart.]

Sven: We'll be safe here for a while.

Helena: But what about.. [nods to Lucy and Dominique]


Clint: They'll be safe too!


Dur: But are we safe with Lucy hanging around us or is she going to go out of control like Deuce did?


Clint: Haw! If there's one thing we can say about Lucy, it's that she's never out of control! [Stands protectively by Dominique, a little shyly.]


Charlie: [To Dominique, warily] The fact that you are not passing out from Mr. Scar's odor suggests you might not be alive!


Dominique: I think he smells very manly! I wouldn't want my husband to smell any other way!


Austin : [To Sven] So, what was all that about? Who were they if not the genuine articles?


Sven: Not who, but what. Tools of a demon who is trapped beneath Nostalgia.


Charlie: [Excited] Oh, how interesting! Can you describe the demon? Perhaps I've met--uh, studied it!


Austin : [Raises an eyebrow at Charlie's comment. To Sven] What is it called?


Alice: Oh, poor confused Charlie. Always [finger quotes] studying demons.

Sven: Balkline Groot.

;;; Some of the party (Alice, Clint and Austin) met Balkline way back

in Book 3, Act 7, Scene 9

;;; on the way back from The Interior. He was trapped underground and

tried to get the party

;;; to help him. They almost did, but realised they were being

tricked, and trapped him there

;;; apparently forever.


Clint: [Surprised as hell.] Hey! I know that guy! He's a real jerk!

;;; Sorry all. Guess which idiot forgot to turn his alarm clock on?


Charlie: [Intrigued] Oooh, I read the file about him. How thrilling! Perhaps I can get an interview with him before we defeat him?


Helena: Certainly not! He's a mind reader, and all these... temptations that we see are to trap us here.


Clint: He's a sore loser then, too, what with the whole temptations going all psycho on us thing and all.


Austin : [To Lucy, sinisterly] Have you been a naughty girl?

;;; awa hame :)


Lucy: Of course I have, Austin. That's why you love me. Why you married me.


Austin : Unfortunately we have not yet completed the marriage process. I shall not have our marriage ceremony trivialised and disrupted by demons and charlatans.

;;;out most of the day


Charlie: [Observing Lucy curiously] Mr. Sleaze is quite right, Miss Angel. You are yet to be wed.


Lucy: It is just a formality. I merely have to place the ring on his finger.


Clint: Well, no time like the present! I'm sure Dur could manage it. It's not like we're asking him to do brain surgery or anything.


Dur: Say! That is an excellent marketing strategy Mr. Scar! I'll sell them together as a packaged deal! The Wed and Head Doctor! Get married and then = have surgery to make your significant other stop all that unnecessary back talk! Some drooling may be expected....


;;; Dom's in and out

Austin: [Disgusted] You certainly won't be doing any surgery on me!


Clint: Of course not! At least, not until after he practices on Groot!


Charlie: Oh, that would be most thrilled! [To Dur, excited] Could I assist?!


Dur: Well..... I suppose you are educated enough to serve as a nurse. The question is what is your view on medical ethics?


Lucy: Forget Balkline! This is my wedding day!


Charlie: [To Dur, cannily] Against?


Dur: [Exuberantly] Excellent! You're hired!


Clint: Well, now that that's settled, what's the plan? Balkline is acting up somehow, right? Are we going to go deal with him now?


Helena: Not with his evil tendrils in the room with us, we won't!


Austin : [Well humored but a little tired of the name calling. To Lucy] I am terribly sorry sweetheart, but you are going to have to leave the room for a few minutes to prove to them that you are not an evil tendril [Laughs at the name] We can complete the ceremony and the ring exchange after that, but not before. This is a very serious matter and I shall not have it spoiled by such foolishness.


Lucy: I'll go, but once we're married, Austin, we'll need to have a long talk about your friends and their willingness to call me a tendril!

[Exit LUCY with a flourish.]

Dominique: You must admit, it's rather mean way to talk about someone on their wedding day.

Alice: Oh please. On her last wedding day she was hacked to pieces. This HAS to be better!


Austin : [Sighs dreamily] Indeed, some people are never satisfied. They always want more.


Clint: We're not calling Dominique here an evil tendril too, are we? I can sort of see Lucy, but...

;;; So the water in my apartment's gone out. Off to see what's up with that.


Charlie: We cannot know who can be trusted just now! [To Dominique] No offense, but I did send my own father packing, too, you know.

;;; Good luck, Tom!


Dominique: Of course! I understand! I know you have to be sure. I'll be waiting outside. [Exits]

Alice: She's ever so nice! I think we can safely assume that she's not an evil tendril.


Dur: If only there were a way to tell if they were truly tendrils or not. Perhaps if we operated we could determine what exactly they are...


Helena: I can tell you one way. Ask yourself if they are dead and if you really wanted them to be alive!


Dur: I have no idea if Hattie had ever died but of course I'd prefer it if she were alive!


Charlie: [To Austin, sadly] There is your answer, Mr. Sleaze. [To Clint] What about Dominique?


Alice: She's dead too, isn't she? [Looks around] I mean, we killed her, right?


Austin : So what? We have all been dead before, some of us several times. We need to have real proof, as this could just be a double bluff revenge by Groot, to get us to kill our nearest and dearest!


Helena: Did you all come back to life just at the time when your nearest and dearest all just happened to be in Nostalgia, at a time that it was being taken over by a demon notorious for bribing people with their deepest desires?


Austin : No, but what a great double bluff it would be!


Helena: Fine. Why don't you finish the wedding ceremony and put the ring on her finger?


Austin : [Looks sad] Because I have no proof either way.

;;;awa hame


Alice: If what you say is true, then why is she in such a rush to marry Austin? [To Austin] Not that you're not suitable husband material, Aus!

Sven: Marriage is power, Alice. Once they become part of each other, he's vulnerable. Like you and Bonald.

Alice: Sure didn't, I thought we were poorly matched and that his brain tasted a little off.

;;; Bonald is Alice's now dead husband, who she married in Ludosity.


Charlie: [Wisely] Indeed, marriage is terribly meaningful and not to be undertaken lightly or hurriedly. [To Austin, gently] You must agree that postponing, at the very least, is the wisest course?


Clint: Haw! Never getting married is the wisest course! And if you do, at least the iron-clad prenup!


Austin : I am glad that you agree, for once!

;;; awa hame now again!


[The door swings open. Enter PESTILENCE, carrying a paper bag and some coffees.]

Pestilence: Goooood morning! [Juts his thumb backwards] What's with all the unhappy brides?


Charlie: [Beams happily at Pestilence and then gasps, clutching him frantically] Oh dear GOD, you haven't died again, have you, darling?! We have met ever so many dead people today!


Pestilence: Of course not! Once is enough for me! [Looks at the disapproving look of Helena] Mom? It's okay to call you Mom, isn't it?

Helena: No.

Pestilence: I've got a lot to make up to you for, and I want to start now. You didn't get to see Charlie's wedding the first time around, so let's fix that. [To the party] What do you say, gang? Up for witnessing a renewal of our vows?


Charlie: [Uneasily] What a lovely gesture, darling, but your timing is rather extraordinary. There's no need to get into details just now, but why don't we wait until Will can be part of the ceremony? It would be awful to leave her out, don't you think?


Clint: Well, first you have to make her see sense about not having us all killed off. Then we can talk ceremony.


Pestilence: I've already spoken to her! She doesn't believe that I came back. However, once we renew the vows, then she'll believe. You know what girls are like!


Charlie: [Laughs awkwardly] Oh, indeed! So silly and easily led, especially our little Will. [Suddenly, to the others] RUN!


Clint: [Holding the line so the party can beat a hasty retreat, as usual.] Nice to see you coming to your senses about marriage, sarge!


Alice: [To Pestilence] So long, sucker!

[ALICE opens the door, only to be punched in the face by DOMINIQUE.]

Alice: Ow! Hey! That really hurt!

;;; Another pause! This time until Thursday next week. Off to China!


Dominique: No one gets in the way of my marriage!


Austin : [To Dominique] What about Mr Scar? Surely you should resolve that issue before attacking the secondary and tertiary issues?


Dominique: You people are the primary issue! You are trying to lead him astray!


Charlie: If we did not lead Mr. Scar around, he would like be dead in a ditch! [To Clint, brightly] No offense!


Clint: [Cheerfully.] None taken! 'course, with you guys, I'll probably just end up dead in a different ditch, but at least it'll be because we upset the wrong god or something.


the wrong >god or something.

Dur: And at least you won't die alone. It will likely be the whole lot of us in one ditch.=20


Sven: We can find a ditch for Clint later! Come on, let's go!

Lucy: He's right, Austin, come on, let's get out of here!


Clint: Right! Just... let's not find that ditch just yet. [To Charlie.] Lead on then, Sarge.


Sven: Asking a woman to lead you, Clint? Hah! What a joker! Come on, let's go! [Dashes out the door]


Austin : [To Lucy] How do you know that Sven is right?


Lucy: [Stops at the doorway] Because he's leading us away from Pestilence! Come on, Aus!


Austin : But Pestilence is an angel now!


Dominique: [Draws a sword and swings it at Austin] God, this guy's an idiot!

[PESTILENCE charges through the door from the room where the party were, now holding a sword.]

;;; Heather is afk

Charlie: That's not Pestilence! Come ON! [Heads out]


Clint: Get a move on, guys! [As usual, covering the party's frantic withdrawal.]


Charlie: [Urgently, sword at the ready] Hurry, group!


[Everyone rushes out.]

;;; End of scene, next one coming right up!


[Book IX, Act VII, Scene VI. The Carriage. ALICE, AUSTIN, CHARLIE, CLINT, DUR, SVEN, HELENA and LUCY are here.]

Helena: What is she doing here?

Alice: Hey! I've as much right to be here as anyone!


Clint: I think, Bimbo, that she means the lawyer's demonspawn bride to be.


Alice: I knew that!

Lucy: Austin! Don't leave me here! Please!


Austin : Hey! You have no proof that she's demon spawn. Your demonswpan bride to be just tried to kill me!

;;; awa hame


Clint: That's why we left her behind with Charlie's fake demon husband!


Charlie: [To Austin] Indeed, she must go! And take heart. Remember, you are already involved with that wretched HARMA woman, so you shan't be lonely for long!


Austin : [Sighs. Crest fallen, to Lucy] Sorry honey, it's just not the same, with you being a demon and things.


Lucy: But I'm not! Austin, please! If you leave me here they'll kill me!


Dur: [Pats Austin on the shoulder consolingly] Perhaps I can shed some light on the situation. [Dur focuses on Lucy and tries to cast DETECT EVIL]


Charlie: [To Lucy, kindly] It's not you, it's him. He's going through a difficult time at work and needs his space, and so forth. [To the party] Now, hurry! Let us leave this creature of darkness to her doom!


[LUCY begins to glow.]

Lucy: Help me, Austin! He's hurting me!

Sven: [Puts the carriage in reverse and starts zooming backwards] That was a close one!


Clint: Not that I have a problem with ditching her or anything, but you're awfully judgmental about being in a relationship with a demon for someone who married one!


Austin : [To Dur] Does that mean that she is evil, or that she is a demon, or are you simply torturing her?



Alice: So what will happen now that Balkline can't get any of us to marry him?


Dur: Are we convinced that this will be his only attempt? He seems pretty desperate. Hopefully he doesn't try to marry anyone close to us!


Charlie: [Gives Clint a dirty look] That was different! [To Alice] I suspect he will be most unhappy, so we had better find safety!


Alice: How do we know that none of us are fakes made by Balkline?


Dur: If we were, why would he need to marry one of us? Why is he trying to marry us for that matter?


Clint: Probably he can use it to bust out of prison here somehow.


Sven: Exactly! Marriage is power. Once you become part of each other, you're vulnerable. Kind of like how Alice was able to weaken Bonald.


Clint: Alright then, important safety tip. Thanks Sven. No one go marrying any demons for a while!


Dur: Vulnerable to impregnation with a demon horde for example? [Dur rubs his baby bump]


Sven: If you're lucky, that's all that'll happen!


Austin : Has it happened before?


Charlie: [Defensively] We married for love, not for some demonic plot to overthrow the world!


Austin : [Does a double take. To Charlie] What? You married Dur! When?


Charlie: [Laughs] Goodness, NO! I would never do such a thing! [Hesitates] Well, other than the time we were a married couple in that odd cartoony world, though that was without my consent. [To Sven, urgently] Tell me that doesn't count!!


Sven: That doesn't count!

Helena: Good lord! It can hardly be any worse than Pestilence, could it? [Looks at Dur] Hm, on second thoughts, perhaps Pestilence isn't quite so bad after all!


Austin : [To Charlie] That sounded about as close to parental approval as you can get!



Austin : Hmm, 'Secure personal demon horde'. Sounds a little paradoxical. [Shrugs] I'm sure it'll all be just fine.


Alice: It's probably what we told him -- you know what he's like, Aus. He'll believe anything.

Sven: Like leprechauns actually being made of chocolate?

Alice: Are they? Neat!


Clint: The real question is, how do we make Balkline pay for using our dead almost marrieds against us?


Helena: I'm not sure we can -- Jerome has caused such a tilt towards evil in the Realms that Balkline is now very powerful. As long as this tilt exists, I doubt there's anything we can do!


Alice: So should we just sit around in silence?

Sven: Hell no!


Helena: We can't find it! Balkline and his tendrils are everywhere!


Clint: It's why we came here, after all. Although we could just be relying too much on prophecy!


Charlie: [To Helena, urgently] Perhaps the prophecy can help! Did you find anything of use?


Helena: It's imperative we find it -- but Nostalgia is a no-go area while Jerome has everything so out of balance.


Charlie: Very well, where can we look next?


Clint: Please don't tell me our next step involves bringing more evil into the world or getting ourselves elected god or something like that!


Helena: Don't be absurd! [Pause] One doesn't get [finger quotes] elected god.


Sven: I've made a list of other possible locations where the prophecy might be. [Hands Alice a piece of paper]

Alice: This is blank!

Sven: 'fraid so, Shooter.

Hi folks,

We're about to start a recruitment drive to get a new player. You'd probably be surprised at how much work is involved in this, as it often takes months and contacting close to a hundred potential players (no exaggeration!) before we find someone right.

To try and help with this, the new player page is in the process of being redesigned. Part of it will be a "Which Queens View Character are you?" quiz, to help people get a feel for the game, the characters and what sort of information we need from them as a player.

Can you guys take the quiz for a test run? It's currently bare, but will have colours and images (of the outcomes, for example), but the questions and actual outcomes shouldn't change too much. Any feedback would be much appreciated!


Thanks, Conor


Clint: Not yet!


Charlie: Oh, dear. Must we rebalance the tilt?


Austin : In the absence of large numbers of babies to kill, how can we do that?


Helena: The only way to kill Jerome is to either be more powerful than him -- possibly through baby killing or other evil deeds -- or by making him weak and vulnerable.


eak and >vulnerable.

Dur: Though years of medical training have made me particularly proficient in the first option, I would prefer the second. How do we weaken Jerome?


Charlie: [To Alice, with a weak smile] By marrying him, perhaps?!


Helena: It would weaken him -- as long as we can find someone who truly, truly hates Jerome, they would be able to deliver the killing blow.

Sven: Add a handsome and dashing hero to the mix to step in and take his place, and the balance will be restored!


Austin : [Sighs] . That would be the most obvious course of action.


Dur: Who is the Handsome and Dashing hero and will they settle for us?=20

;;; Was it Jerome that killed Lucy or Pestilence?


Clint: Given how much damage a well-meaning brainy type can do up there, don't we want to settle for someone who's dull and lazy, and not a handsome and dashing hero?


Sven: Oh god no, Stinky! I've been preparing for this for thousands of years. Even Hell no here thinks I'd be great!

Helena: I suppose you wouldn't be entirely awful.

Sven: Haw! [Laughs] Isn't she great?

;;; It was Jerome who killed Lucy the morning of her and Austin's wedding


Dur: All in favor of making Alice marry Jerome only to make Austin dress indrag and take her place so he can kill Jerome raise your hands! That baby = killing bastard has had it coming!


Austin : [Sven] Just how will you take his place? Does godly power just go to you because you want it? Is it that simple?


Sven: Not even close, Aus. I take his place because I've earned it. I've been on the Path longer than most. [Holds his hand up] I like Dur's plan.


Clint: Haw! I hope not, lawyer. That would be a terrible idea! Kind of like having you pretend to marry Jerry for us.


Austin : [Looks amused] Well, I am certainly not dressing in drag, there is absolutely no need for that. Besides, I cannot afford an assassin that I could trust to kill Trindle properly.


Charlie: I quite agree! [To Dur, patting his head and handing him a biscuit] Well done!


Dur: [Devouring the biscuit with happy little puppy sounds] Yay biscuits!

;;; Why do I feel like Dur is the Scooby of this group?


Sven: I'd like to see Austin in drag as much as the next guy. [Looks at the next guy, which is Clint] Er, but it's probably not necessary.


Clint: [Flatly.] No. No it is not.

;;; Because he's not really qualified to be the Freddy, Shaggy, Velma,

or Daphne?


Dur: [Licking crumbs of his finger and off the ground] So the plan is to have Alice marry Jerome and then have Austin kill him? Perhaps we can convinc= e Jerome to take Austin as his best man so he can be close enough to get the job done?=20


Sven: Dur. The man with the plan! It doesn't have to be Austin, of course. If you're not up to the job, Aus, it just needs to be someone who can get close.


Charlie: [Beams at Dur and tosses him a second biscuit] How marvelous! [To Alice, waving her hand] Oh, I can be your Matron of Honor! I could hide my sword in the bunches of taffeta and such and go in for the kill when you kiss!


Alice: Oh my good heck! Am I really going to end up with two dead husbands?

Sven: Cheer up, Shooter! You're still young, you have plenty of time to amass dead husbands.

Alice: I suppose. [To Charlie] Right, matron of honour! We should find something for everyone to do, to make sure we're all present.


Charlie: Dur should be the flower girl [aside to Alice] , as it's the easiest job!


Clint: I'll be the usher. It's right up my alley!


Alice: Uh, you do know what an usher actually does, right?


Austin : Of course I will do it myself. Are you suggesting that I could not manage! [Tuts]


Alice: Sor-ree! I didn't know that you were such an expert usher!


Austin : [Sharply] Not the ushering! The killing! [Looks around] I shall require a very, very good dagger.


Alice: [Folds her arms huffily] That's hardly the way an usher should speak to the bride, Aus.


Clint: [Shakes his head.] Fresh out of those.


Sven: Haw! I've got a whole bag of 'em, Clint!


Austin : [To Sven] Do you have any with useful magical powers?


Sven: Not any more. In the last few months, they've all been drained on account of the world ending and all.


Clint: But you do have one that will do the job, right?


Charlie: [Miffed] So now I am merely the Matron of Honor?! [To Clint, disappointed] This position does not make full use of my potential!


Clint: Look at it this way, Sarge - you'll be in a perfect position to take notes for your next book deal.


Dur: You can title it "How to Slay A God: The Wedding to End All Weddings!" [Looks at Charlie expectantly for his next biscuit!] =20


Charlie: [Brightens at Clint's words, but then frowns at Dur's] If you get a treat every time you do or say absolutely anything, it will lose its meaning!

;;; Sorry, Conor! I couldn't leave the poor guy hanging!


Sven: Haw! A woman who knows how to tease!

Helena: Mr. Goring! That's my daughter!

Sven: And you should be very proud! [To the party] Right! Ready for a wedding? Where do we find Jerome?

;;; Tsk!


Charlie: [To Sven, primly] It's training, not teasing! And, yes, let us have this wedding at once. We have ever so much to do today!


[SVEN stops the carriage.]

Sven: Right! Hell, this is where we get out. The rest of you just drive on out of Nostalgia and Jerome will almost certainly be waiting.


Austin : [Checking his nails] You seem to be forgetting something. May I peruse your collection of daggers?


Sven: No, you may not... peruse them. [Laughs] You can have 'em all! They're in a pointy bag under the seat.


Clint: Haw! I call dibs on the biggest, heaviest, rustiest, meanest-looking one!


Alice: [Opens up the bag] Oh my good heck! These are ever so sharp!


Clint: [Grunts.] Wouldn't be much use if they weren't. [Grabs the biggest, heaviest, meanest-looking one, but probably not the rustiest because probably none of them are rusty.]


Sven: Good look, friends.


Sven: I mean take a good look, make sure that each of you are well armed!


Austin : [Carefully empties the knives onto the floor and selects two choice daggers] Even mother might approve of these two.


;;; No Heather or Kevin today

Dur: Me! Me! Me! I want one!

Charlie: Be careful -- these are not food!

Dur: Then why does this one taste like food?

Alice: It doesn't taste like food, it tastes like floor!


Austin : [Skillfully puts his knives into their sheaths and pockets them] And how would you know that? [Raises his eyebrows] Oh, I see! [Looks smug]

;;;awa hame


Clint: [Looks at the collection of daggers.] Haw! At least no one's going to mess with us now!

;;; famous last words and all that!


Alice: God himself couldn't stop us! [Thinks] Oh. Hm.

;;; End of scene!


[Book IX, Act VII, Scene VII. Beyond Nostalgia. ALICE, AUSTIN, CHARLIE, CLINT and DUR are here, in a carriage being driven by CLINT. The countryside very quickly takes on the same sort of desolate look the party saw before, and soon CLINT jams on the brakes, spotting DR. JEROME K. TRINDLE, BSC, PHD, standing in the middle of the road.]

Jerome: [Smiling] Yes?


Austin : You are going to need a Cathedral, lots of flowers, an orchestra, a choir, a feast, some dancing girls, a priest and a luxury five star hotel resort for the exclusive use of your wedding guests. And a very very pretty diamond ring.


Jerome: How about this? [Clicks his fingers]

[Everyone disappears.]


Dur: [Disembodied] Ummmm.... it certainly simplifies the marriage arrangements.


[Book IX, Act VII, Scene VIII. A Luxury Five Star Hotel Resort. ALICE, AUSTIN, CHARLIE, CLINT and DUR are here, in the hotel lounge, along with JEROME. A massive feast is laid out, consisting of steaks, chops, a soused pigs head, complete with apple, golden honeyed locusts, jellied eels, thrushes ankles, snakes feet, crispy popadoms and curried brussels sprouts.]

Jerome: The cathedral adjoins the lounge.


Charlie: [Looks around warily] Oh, how splendid. Well, I suppose we really must be getting ready for the main even, though. [To Jerome] Where can the bride's wedding party dress?


he >bride's wedding party dress?

Dur: AND shouldn't the groom not see the bride prior to the ceremony? I hear it is bad luck.=20


Jerome: [Flustered] Of course! Of course! I certainly wouldn't want any bad luck on my wedding day! There's an entire wing of the hotel set aside for you. I'll have the priest come and get you when it's time. In the meantime, I have a few things to attend to -- you know, a god's work is never done! [In a flash, he disappears]


Austin : [Sighs] I do hope he remembered a street of Wedding dress tailors, we have some serious shopping to do. I shall ask at the reception desk [looks around]


[A butler appears, this is GERARD BUTLER.]

Gerard: Yeeees, sir?

;;; No pic up there yet, some temporary issue with the site!


Charlie: Ah, yes! We need to arrange outfits suitable for a wedding. [Whips out a list] I just happen to have the group's measurements on file. Now, we shall need modest, expensive clothes in dark colors. And the bride requires a dress in a light color, though not white. [To Alice] Let's not be hypocritical, shall we?


Alice: I want a dress so insanely ruffly and meringue-like that it is edible, and one that is so dazzlingly white that everyone around will have to wear shades, no, goggles, the kind that you can wear to watch a nuclear explosion with!

Gerard: Yeeeees, madam. Such an item is waiting for you in room #2. [Pause] There are suitable goggles for everyone in a gift basket. [Gestures to a large basket]

Alice: Oh, wow! There's chocolate and champagne in here too!


Charlie: [Looks at the chocolate and champagne disapprovingly] We really should not indulge prior to the ceremony. [To Gerard] Perhaps some dry toast and tea for everyone? And do take the alcohol and sweets away, chop chop!


Austin : [To Gerard] Just take Charlie's share away, that rest of us will enjoy this wedding! [Scoops a glass of champaign and a chocolate]


Alice: Yay! This is going to be the greatest wedding ever! Nothing like the kind of cliched weddings that other people have. Now, I'll need to get some completely overdone fake tan, a continuous CD of "My Heart Will Go On" and, of course, a list of cheesy line dances -- it'll be great! Just make sure you all know the steps!


Charlie: [To Austin] Fine, but when Alice spoils her dress with smears of chocolate and vomit, it falls to YOU to comfort her and tidy the dress!


Austin : Errm, no. That's a bridesmaids job.


Alice: He's right! As matron of honour, it'll be YOUR duty to hold my hair back when I throw up into the toilet! [Looks indignantly at the others] Don't you judge me, it's not like it's something tawdry. It'll be to help purge my stomach so I can fit into the bridal corset!


Charlie: [Groans] Say what you will about those of us who chose spouses of a more [lightly] demonic nature [nods to Dur] , but our weddings were at least free of this traditional nonsense!


Austin : Well, it's just fine, because this Alice's wedding, not yours, so let's make it a wonderful day for Alice, and one that she will never forget! [Takes a sip of his champers] So, Alice, what's it to be, party, or drab grey dull borningness?


Alice: Dazzlingly bright outfits and super double happiness! [To Gerard] What about clothes?

Gerard: There is a huge collection of outfits in room #4.

Alice: I know what I need everyone to wear. Pink and white ruffly tuxedos for the boys, disgusting lime green dress for Charlie.

[In an instant, everyone is wearing their clothes, except ALICE, who still has her normal clothes on.]


Charlie: [Looks down at the dress and sighs] I suppose it could be worse! [To Alice] And where is your [clears her throat] lovely dress?


Alice: Good question! [To Gerard] Where's my dress?

Gerard: Yeeees. I believe that Phili is having a little trouble, but it will be here soon.

[The hotel gives a shudder, as though there's a minor tremor in the earth.]


Austin : [Says nothing but looks a little alarmed at his new clothes] Riiight! This could get interesting.


Charlie: Oh, dear! Another shift in the balance?! [Pulls out her sword and starts watching out for rampaging demons]


Gerard: Yeeees, madam. You may relax. This hotel is completely isolated. We are entirely safe here. Innnn fact. This is the only safe place in the entire Realms. Tea?


tire >Realms. Tea?

Dur: What makes it so safe?


Gerard: Even Phili needs somewhere to rest. He has invested much of his power to stop any invaders from penetrating.


Charlie: [To Gerard] Is Phili often attacked?


Gerard: It's really not my place to discuss such manners, but OMG! All the time! It's like, totally mank! [Back to normal demeanour] Madam.


Dur: [Sarcastically] well, gee, I wonder why that is.=20


Gerard: It's hardly my place to comment on such matters, er, sir, but OMG! It's because there are all these crazies from other dimensions who are trying kick our ass because our balance all out of whack. [Normal demeanour] Sir.


ing kick our ass because our balance all out of whack. [Normal demeanour] Sir.

Dur: MmmmHmmm. And why is our balance out of whack?


Charlie: [To Dur] Allow me. I do have a teenaged niece, you know, and I speak the language. [To Gerard] Yow, housie? What is upward with all of the [finger quotes] whackness? [Gives a thumbs up] Upright thumb!


Gerard: [Looks at Charlie distastefully] Far be it from me to comment, but Phili appears to be intervening too much in worldly affairs. The world has become quite unbalanced.


Austin : [To Charlie] I thought that we knew that answer to this already? Trindle saved our lives, and that created the imbalance?


Clint: Well, it isn't our place to keep this nice butler from sharing all the latest gossip, is it?


Charlie: Indeed, Mr. Sleaze. WE know the answer, and, one suspects, even Clint and Alice know the answer, but [lowers her voice] Dur appears to require much repetition for complex reasoning, hence his asking of the butler.


Alice: It's not so much gossip as common knowledge, Stinky! [To Gerard] So Jerome hangs out here all the time?

Gerard: Quite so. Not in the same wing as the guests, of course. He has a private suite in the East Wing. You know, for [puts on a cowboy hat and pretends to ride around the room] Yeeah! Whooohooo! Yeeeeha! [Takes off the hat and regains his composure]


tends to ride around the room] Yeeah! Whooohooo! Yeeeeha! [Takes off the hat and regains his composure]

Dur: {Confused] He holds a private rodeo in the East Wing?


Clint: Exactly, doc! What, you think gods are above having a private rodeo every now and then?


Austin : [Cringes] At least we can be sure that Nunpar will never, ever, be Phili.


Alice: [Cringes even more than Austin] And this private rodeo? Who else is likely to be involved?

Gerard: [Says nothing but smiles and does a finger gun at Alice] Click-click!


Clint: Well, why buy the bull when you can get the bull ride for free?


Charlie: Mr. Scar! Please don't be so insulting! On her wedding day! Quite clearly, it wouldn't be a bull, rather a cow.


Alice: Thanks Charlie! [Thinks for a moment] Hey!

Gerard: I believe your dress is ready, Madam. It is in room-

[ALICE races off towards the west wing, before GERARD has a chance to finish.]

Gerard: I shall fetch some goggles for everyone.


Dur: Why would we need goggles?


Gerard: [Now wearing thick goggles and holding up a tray of similar thick, yet stylish goggles] To prevent your eyes from being burnt out by the monstrosity that the bride will be wearing.

[As if on cue, an incredibly bright shaft of light beams out from beneath the door that ALICE went out through, and the handle starts to turn.]

Gerard: I would encourage you to don them quite rapidly. Quite rapidly indeed!


Austin : [Swiftly dons a pair of goggles] This is more like it. I sense that a fabulous party is imminent.


[Everyone follows suit, just in time for ALICE to appear in a dress so white that it's brighter than the sun and so ruffly that you could hide an Irishman's head in them.]

Alice: Let's do this thang.

Gerard: [Gestures to a double doors on the north side of the hotel] Phili awaits in the the Chapel of Lurve.


Charlie: [Claps delightedly] Oh, Alice! You look lovely, and I just know you will be so very happy! [Gives Alice a hug and whispers] Do we have some sort of signal for the you-know-whatting of your husband?!


Alice: I don't know, Charlie, I'm too busy being ravishing to think about that sort of thing!

[The double doors swing open and the party proceeds in. Standing at the altar is JEROME, wearing a suit, along with BODDY, who is dressed as a priest. Both are wearing goggles.]


a priest. Both are wearing goggles.]

Dur: How about the part where the priests asks for the I do's and what not?


Alice: That would be the perfect time to congratulate my husband!

[The party slowly walk towards the altar.]


Austin : I think the little part after that is also important. [To Alice] Have you signed pre-nupts?


Alice: Don't you taint my special day with your price taggery, Austin! Of course I haven't!

[They reach the altar, which has ridiculous archway of flowers over it. ALICE steps under to join BODDY and JEROME.]

Jerome: [With a huge grin] Wow! This is the happiest day of my life! I'm so glad that you're all here to share it with me!


Charlie: [Dabbing at her eyes] Oh, it's all so beautiful! [To Boddy, skeptically] I did not realize you were a priest?


Boddy: With my complete lack of morals and total selfishness, it was really the obvious choice. Plus, you can buy the credentials on the Splinternet for 10GP! Dr. Jerome K. Trindle, BSc, PhD, GOD, do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?

Jerome: Yes I do!

Boddy: Alice? Same question.

Alice: [Coyly] Yes I do.

Boddy: Then by the power invested in me by CheapCredentials.com, I now pronounce you god and wife!


Charlie: [Breathes a huge sigh of relief] Oh, Alice! I never dreamed any man would have you after all of the dreadfully perverse things you've done over the years! [Dabs her eyes] I only wish the Colonel could be here!


Austin : [Cheery] You may now kiss the bride! Congratulations! [Steps forwards and throws some confettie over the couple, then tries his very best to sneakily stab Jerome in the back, through the heart] For Lucy!


Alice: Aw! Thanks guys!

[The two kiss, just before AUSTIN steps forward and, under a rain of confetti, drives his sword into JEROME. Much to everyone's shock, neither ALICE nor JEROME appear to be corporeal.]

Boddy: Now, now. Do you really think he's be dumb enough to do this right in front of you?


Dur: Ummm.... yes?


Boddy: That doesn't surprise me.


Austin : [Looks annoyed] Yes. He never was the sharpest tool in the box. [Sighs and wanders over to get his champagne, and takes a sip]


Charlie: [Offended] Does he not trust us?! His wife's closest friends?!



Boddy: Have you met his wife? [Looks around] And yourselves?


[Alas, nothing happens.]

Boddy: Magic won't work here! You'll have to do this the old fashioned way. Where is Jerome likely to be?


Dur: East wing! Right?


Charlie: [Shudders] Consummating his marriage!


Boddy: You better hurry! As soon as he consummates the marriage, he won't be vulnerable any more. And, not to be mean about him on his wedding day, but let's just say you better hurry.

All: You better hurry.

Boddy: You know, this isn't really getting the job done!


Dur: Crap! Lets go group! I have a bad feeling about this! [Dur rushes off to find the East Wing]


Austin : [Legging it to the East wing] You couldn't make this stuff up!


[The party race back into the hotel, pausing briefly to stack up on snacks from the very generous buffet, and burst into the east wing. The tell-tale bright light from ALICE's dress shines like a beacon from beneath one of the doors. The party burst in to see ALICE, lying face down on the bed, dress up around her hips, looking bored, with JEROME behind her.]

Jerome: I'm sorry! I just can't find where the ruffles end and the dress starts!


ell-tale bright light from ALICE's dress shines like a beacon >from beneathone of the doors. The party burst in to see ALICE, lying face down on the =

Dur: There! Ok gang! Murder and Mayham on 3! 1...2... [Dives for Jerome hopefully with some pointy surgical instrument to his gullet]


Charlie: [Cries out] Alice! Pull down your skirt and keep your legs crossed!!


Austin : [Tries to stab Jerome in the back through the heart, again. To Alice] Please!


[AUSTIN and DUR strike and the same time, one through the back and the other slashing JEROME's throat, causing blood to spurt across ALICE's fine white dress.]

Jerome: No! Why? Whyyyyy!


Dur: For the balance! And for Lucy! And for.... [Pauses] Well that's prettymuch it I think.=20


Jerome: [Gasps] You... you don't know what you've done...

[Enter SVEN with a big grin.]

Sven: Yes they do. Consider yourself evicted!


Austin : [Sharply] Well you should have explained it to us well in advance then! [Twists the dagger hard] This one is for Lucy!


Charlie: [Tries to help Alice to her feet and get her clear of the carnage. To Jerome] You were destroying the entire world with your petty desires! That is no way to govern!


That is no way to govern!

Dur: [Looking to Sven] Now what?=20


Jerome: [Cries out in pain at the twist of the knife] She will never forgive you for this! She will return! I curse you all to hell! [Dies]

Alice: [Dusting herself off] What the hell is going on? [Smiles] Hey! I'm back to normal! [Looks around] So. We've just killed another god, the world is about to end, it all looks very dark. And we're wearing goggles.

Sven: [Already eating a pig's head] Now we party!

;;; End of Book IX, Act VII. Next act coming up tomorrow!