[Book IX, Act VII, Scene I. The New Lake. ALICE, AUSTIN, CHARLIE, CLINT, DUR and JORDAN are here, standing around the newly created lake, which is awash with dead soldiers, giraffes and mimes. The party, although battered and bruised, are all reasonably healthy. The blood rain and storms have thankfully stopped.]

Alice: [Breaking the awkward silence that descended after JEROME's disappearance] Er, well, that's not great, is it?


Austin : What's not great? We are still alive, after all. A good hot bath and some clean fresh tailored clothing and I am sure we will all be right as rain. [Frowns at the blood] Normal rain, of course.


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Charlie: [Irked] Yes, but Phili wants to kill my daughter--and turn Alice into Clementine!!


Austin : So? He's a crazy weirdo stalker! What do you expect. None of it has happened yet!



Alice: [Looks at Austin with disgust] That depends on how low your standards are, Dur!


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Charlie: [Disapprovingly] Well, it certainly did not take Dr. Trindle long to go completely mad with power, did it?!



Alice: In his defence, Charlie, he was a bit power mad beforehand!


;;; From Drew to just me:

Jordan: Something doesn't make sense though. First of all he's all about the balance so much he had you all kill orphaned babies, but now he's going out of his to upset the balance himself by helping us? Almost like a personality change.

Alice: Maybe he really wants to help us? You know, er, myself and Jerome had a bit of thing some time in the past. Or maybe it's about The Mother?

;;; That's putting it mildly! They were actually engaged for a while


Jordan: Jerome? [Confused] Are Jerome and Phili the same person?


Austin : [To Alice] Why are you defending him? Why not defend me for a change! Wil is alive, we are alive, but Trindle wants to kill her, so all we have to do is stop him! [Looking for support] What's wrong with that?


Alice: I'm afraid so, Jordie. It turns out that Phili has been different people over time -- three that we know of. Jerome killed him and took his place. It's what we think is at the end of The Path.

;;; Gone for the day!


Clint: Guys, the real question isn't whether we should listen to Jer, it's how we get Wil to listen to us!


Alice: But not only does Jerome want to kill Will, Will wants to kill us and destroy the world, and Jerome wants to stop her from killin so badly that he's prepared to destroy the world to it! And defend you, Aus? Okay, [to Charlie] in Austin's defence, he was a bit mad to begin with!


Austin : [Defensively] So do we have to kill anyone?


Alice: I hope not. First of all we need to find out where the heck we are, and then find Gertrude or maybe Finley. [Thinks for a moment] Did I just say heck? Oh my good heck!


Austin : [Worried] That is most unlike you. Perhaps repeating the word 'fuck' over and over will snap you out of this Clementitis?


Alice: Oh my good heck, Austin! Why on earth would I say such a thing? [Looks worried] Okay, this is a little weird. And you know what's even weirder? I'm starting to like my new clothes!


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Charlie: [Looks at Alice appraisingly] Well, you ARE dressed a good deal more sensibly than normal. Perhaps a change will do you good!


Alice: Oh NO! Now Charlie likes my clothes! Come on! Let's find out where the H E double hockey sticks we are! [Climbs up a nearby hill to get a look] Uh oh.


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Charlie: [Concerned, rushes to the hill to see what Alice has seen] Oh, dear! It isn't Dementia, one hopes?!



Alice: No such luck! It's a .... a whole bunch of babies!

[The rest of the party climb to the top of the hill and see that there are literally hundreds of babies, crawling off to one side, all heading in the same direction.]


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Charlie: [Looks at the babies and frowns] This doesn't seem to be responsible parenting to me!



Alice: I know! Where on earth is their.... mother?


Clint: I dunno, but I'm pretty sure the last person anyone should be taking parenting advice from is Charlie!


Alice: Yeesh, Clint, I would think the last person anyone should take ANY advice from is you. I mean, come on!


Charlie: [Haughtily] I'm sure I don't know what you mean! Wilhelmina turned out splendidly--other than her recent [finger quotes] acting out, which is just a phase! And I left her in the excellent care of her loving father, not free to roam the plains like some herd animal!


Alice: Uh, suuuure. So what do we do? Should we follow them? That whole diaper thing will be horrific!


Austin : [Raised eyebrows] So you see, Mr Scar, it is all simply a matter of perspective and opinion!


Clint: It must be nice in your reality, Sarge! I'm not sure what we should do with these babies, but we probably ought to hide them from Jer so he can't drop a flaming mountain on them or something!


Alice: [Worried] Maybe he might do it to try and tip the balance more back to normal?


Charlie: [Horrified] Oh, dear GOD! That could be precisely what he is planning. Hurry, let us try to herd these poor creatures into a cave or a pen of some sort!


Austin : Well you had better start now or we shall be here all night. [Looks around for somewhere to put the babies]

;;; away until the 6th Nov


Clint: Charlie, you're the mother. How do we herd a herd of babies?


Jordan: We could always tempt them with cheese?


Alice: Don't be ridiculous, Jordan. One, it is highly irresponsible to give babies cheese, two, it's highly unlikely that we'd be able to get that much cheese, and three, if you have cheese to pass around to babies, why on earth aren't you sharing it with us?


Jordan: With regards to number 3, IF I had that much cheese, if any cheese at all, you lot don't seem the cheese abusing type.



Alice: You think he's holding out on us, Doc?

;;; Traveling today, so no posting again until Wednesday!


Jordan: Ha! You're as crazy as Nikki was to think I have cheese! [To Charlie] You remember Nikki, don't you Kensington?


Alice: Yeesh, no need to get so snappy, Jordie! You're almost as cranky as one of these babies!


;;; Dom is out this week

Austin: Oh, it's just his [sniggers] artistic temperament. Come on, let's start to herd these noise making machines into that cave. [Points to a nearby cave] Mush! Hooosh!


Charlie: [Taken aback] Indeed, she was a fellow faculty member and my personal mentor! [Looks closely at Jordan] Are you quite all right?


Alice: Good idea, Jordie!

[CLINT obligingly stands in front of the herd of babies, but they simply flow around him.]


Clint: Stupid babies! Don't you ignore me! [Decides at the last minute that drop-kicking a baby or two wouldn't be so acceptable.] Anyone else got any ideas?


Charlie: [Frets] Oh, if only we had kept a cat or two. Babies cannot resist pulling a cat's tail. [Snaps her fingers] Perhaps if we had a can-opener, we could attract dozens of cats, which would induce the babies to follow them--and us!


r, we could >attract dozens of cats, which would induce the babies to follow them--and us!

Dur: Does anyone HAVE a can opener?


Alice: I do! I have a can opener for opening cans. An electric can opener for opening electric cans, and a Swiss Army Knife can opener for opening Swiss Army Knife cans.

;;; Drew is out for a bit

Jordan: Really? You have a Swiss Army Knife can opener?

Alice: [Drops her head] Uh, actually no.

Jordan: [Sigh] What about an electric can opener?

Alice: Uh, no, I don't have one of those either.

Jordan: How about a can opener?

Alice: Look, I think what's important is that we don't actually have any cans, so really, if you think about it, it's Charlie's fault!


Clint: [Whips out his sword.] Okay, now what?


Jordan: [To Charlie grumpily] I'm just fine. As Austin said, just my artistic temperament. [To Austin] Perhaps if we get in front of them it'll be easier? Or just put Stinky there, they might turn around to get away from the smell.


Austin: [With disgust] Now you chop up an number of babies and forge a large wall from the body parts.


Charlie: [Observing the babies] Well, they seem to function as a herd, so let us try disrupting them and see what happens! [Attempts to scoop up an nearby baby]


[The baby starts crying, but the others ignore it and keep going.]


Clint: Uhh... Well, we're not moving them one at a time! Aside from eating, sleeping, and pooping, what do babies really really love?


Charlie: [Snaps her fingers] Dictionaries and flash cards!


Alice: Great idea! Let's show them some dictionaries and flash cards, and they'll go zooming in the opposite direction!


Clint: Hmm. I suppose we could try just speaking their language?


Jordan: I thought only doctors could do that?


Alice: [Glances at Dur] And where would we get a doctor way out here? Maybe we should build a small wall to corral them into that cave over there? [Points to a large cave]


[Points to a large cave]

Dur: I'm better at talking to dead people not babies! But maybe I can stillhelp. [Dur tries to cast STOBNE SHAPE to create a corral into the cave.]


Clint: Haw! Now all we need is some way of making a pack of babies stampede! [Tries to see if loud noises do the trick.]


[The loud noises do nothing, but the shape from DUR forms a convenient barrier. The babies don't go into the cave, but instead unsuccessfully try to get over the wall. However, the overall effect is that they are now stuck.]

Alice: Well done Dur! Who would have guessed that you could deal with any sort of living creature and not kill them!


Charlie: [Watching the infants] Oh, how interesting! Let us offer them rewards and punishments to see if we can motivate them to find a way around the obstacle, and then record the results!


Clint: Uh, Sarge, I don't mean to be rude, but given that we're currently trying to hide these babies from Jerry so he doesn't kill them so that he doesn't spin the world out of balance when he keeps Wil from killing us, you're probably the last person who should be experimenting on helpless babies!


Alice: Maybe we could cover them with something?

[A voice comes from within the cave.]

Voice: Like a tarp?

Alice: Sure would, that would handy.


Charlie: Indeed! It would keep the little darlings safe from rain--and hidden from vengeful gods! [To the voice] Hello, there! Could we use your tarp?


Voice: I don't know, that depends on whether or not you want to smother a bunch of babies with it.


Charlie: [Gasps, delighted] Darling?! Is that you? [Tries to look into the cave]


Jordan: Surely that isn't old Pestilence?


[Enter PESTILENCE, grinning from ear to ear, holding a tarp in one hand and a huge tray of donuts and coffee in another.]

Pestilence: It sure is!


Dur: Uh oh. Why do I always get a sense of impending dread when Pestilence shows up?


Charlie: [Thrilled] Oh, how wonderful! [Happily bounds over to Pestilence to kiss him]


Jordan: [To Pestilence] Hey buddy! [to Dur] Nonsense! Pestilence is awesome! He and I go way back.



Charlie: [To Dur, patting Pestilence] But I have given him MY highest possible endorsement, which should reassure you enormously! [To Pestilence, worriedly] Oh, but--darling! We just saw Will. . . .


Pestilence: [After returning a long kiss on Charlie that leaves her looking flushed, and with her hair tousled] Yeah, I heard about. Tried to kill you all with a series of plagues, eh? [Sighs wistfully] Ah, a chip off the old block! [Does a few pretend boxing moves on Jordan] This guy still enthralling you with his delightful yet deep poetry?


Charlie: [Swats at Pestilence] Do try to be more disappointed! Remember, you are an angel now, and quite opposed to Will's mayhem. [Firmly] We really must try to find her and try to talk sense to her.


Pestilence: I can't help, I'm afraid, but we could [whispers something to Charlie] you know? You know? [Big grin]

Alice: Oh, God. Did he just whisper something about making love?

Pestilence: [Laughs] Nah. Why would I whisper about something as normal as a weekend in the rubber house?

Alice: [Shivers] I don't know what that means, but I somehow feel dirty.


Charlie: [Giggles] And you don't think that would help? It would help ME, in any case! And what about [whispers to Pestilence, beaming delightedly]


Alice: [To the party] I think I'm going to be sick. Let's just take the coffee and donuts and start covering up these babies!

[A quick flash of light and PESTILENCE and CHARLIE disappear.]


Austin: [Straightening his cuffs] Do you really think it wise to cover infants with a plastic-coated surface? Isn't there some sort of suffocation risk?


Clint: It can't be worse than what these poor innocent babies have already gone through with Charlie and Pesty!


Alice: Maybe so, Aus, but it's probably better than the burning-to-death danger that they otherwise face!


Austin: Very well. [To Clint and Dur] Why don't you cover the infants for us? [Views the tarps with disgust] Those things look filthy!


Clint: [Already going to do just that.] Just think, lawyer, there was a time when you looked like that, too!


Alice: These things have a name, Austin! They are screaming brats!


Austin: [Sighs deeply] What now? How are we going to protect them? And don't they need to be fed and watered?


Alice: They're not plants, Austin! They don't need to be watered!


Clint: What we need here is a babysitter. Where's the nearest one, do you think?


Alice: I don't see anyone around here other than that guy Roger, from the ship. You know, the guy who had all the great ideas?

;;; She means the guy who basically rephrased everyone else's ideas as

though they

;;; were his


Jordan: [Looks around] What? Where?

;;; I suspect this is Charlie replacement for Heather :P

;;; Also the only post from me today. Forgot to say sooner I'm taking a friend

;;; for a medical assessment at ATOS, if anyone is familiar with them.


Alice: Over there, see?

[ROGER, followed a short distance by several of the surviving soldiers, is heading this way.]

Roger: I told you, men! We would find shelter here!


Austin : [Watching Rodger and co] It looks like the baby sitters have arrived.


[There is a sudden burst of light and CHARLIE reappears.]

Charlie: [Looking slightly more tan and a good deal more disheveled than before] Hello, group! [She pulls out a plastic bag and merrily distributes gifts] Souvenirs for everyone!

;;; The souvenirs are pencil sharpeners in the shape of angel wings!


Alice: Yikes! That was fast, Charlie! [Looks at her souvenir] Cool! Does it fly? [Throws it, hitting Roger on the head] Oops!

Roger: [Draws his sword] Careful, men! We're under attack!


Charlie: [Super-excited] Was it fast?! I was gone two whole months! Isn't it marvelous? [Dreamily] Two months of--- [glances self-consciously at the party] well, it was much more than making love on the beach and catching up on my back issues of Science and Stuff, I can assure you!


party] >well, it was much more than making love on the beach and catching up on my back issues of Science and Stuff, I can assure you!

Dur: [Frowning at his pencil sharpener] I think its time we implement a "Don't ask, don't tell," policy in our group.


Alice: It's a pencil sharpener, Dur. It's what the nerds use to fix their pencils after the cool kids break them. [To Charlie] Did you find Will?


Charlie: [Unhappily] No. We tried everything we could think of, but there is some sort of protective shield that keeps us from seeing her. [Urgently] I have learned a bit more about what's been happening, though! [Digs into her knapsack to get a notepad out]


Austin : [Tuts] Of course they did! She was just joking about all the sex and porn. [To Rodger] Really? Who is attacking you? [Looks around briefly]


y] I have >learned a bit more about what's been happening, though! [Digs into her knapsack to get a notepad out]

Dur: Its only been 5 seconds and we're already throwing our Don't Ask, Don't Tell policy out the window!


Alice: [Makes to ask Dur something, but stops] Uh -- nevermind.

Roger: [To Austin] She did! [Points to Alice] I could have been killed! [Looks around] What's with all the babies? Is this a Mother thing?


Charlie: [To Roger] Oh, do be on your way, you silly man! We are in the middle of an important and confidential meeting! [To the party, in a low voice] The Mother is a terribly important figure, though we do not yet know why or what or her role is meant to be. And the Abyss-- [glances at Roger impatiently]


Roger: Hey! I just saved everyone's life by organising the giraffes and mines to attack that other ship! I'm entitled to some respect, damn it!

Alice: They were mimes.

Roger: That's what I said.

Alice: No, you said "mines".

Roger: Yeah, mines. The annoying guys who pretend to be trapped in boxes.

Alice: That's MIMES.

Roger: Yes, mines.


Charlie: [Ignoring Roger] Right, well, we do not really know what the Abyss is, either, but apparently it is coming and might destroy the world! [Whispering] Oh, we MUST find the rest of the prophecy! It's the only way to begin to make sense of all of this!


Jordan: But what about the babies?


Clint: Don't ask, don't tell! [To Roger.] Just look after these little guys for a while and it'll all make sense later, really! [To the party.] Right, let's go!


Roger: Hey! We're soldiers! Brave warriors! We don't look after small children! That's a job for women!


Charlie: [Puzzled] But women are the ones who work! [Suddenly understanding] Oh, you mean lower-class women without education! Indeed, they are best suited for childcare and other menial tasks.


Roger: Exactly! That's what I mean! Now, where would we find them? [Looks at Alice] How about her? She looks like someone's wife.

Alice: Hey!


Austin : [To Roger] What makes you think that?


Roger: Conservative attire. Angry look. That kind of thing.


Austin : [Nods] Was your mother like that?


Roger: [Goes all wistful] Ah yes... especially when she wore clothes.


Austin : Was she not more beautiful when she wasn't ?

;;;;sorry :)


;;; Oh, you will be!

Roger: What do you think? [Shows the party a picture of a naked woman]

[The party all scream in horror.]

Roger: What?

Alice: Er, nothing. We just thought we saw some sort of monster about to kill the babies.

;;; Heather's afk

Charlie: You foolish man. Do stop peddling your tawdry pornographic images and help us do something about the babies. [To the party] We have far more urgent business to attend to than looking at naked pictures of this man's mother and her unfortunate skin condition.


Jordan: Surely that wasn't his mother? I thought it was what ate his mother! [Starts to gag at the thought of any man being intimate with what he saw]

;;; Sorry...long day yesterday...just woke up about 45 minutes ago


Alice: [Casts an eye over Jordan's not inconsiderable bulk] Are you sure you didn't eat the thing that ate his mother?


Charlie: [To Alice, horrified] I hope you are not suggesting he eat the babies!


Roger: [Steps between Jordan and the babies] Stand back sir! You will not eat these babies!


Clint: [Encouragingly.] That's the spirit! These babies are in great danger! That's why we've sealed them up in this cave to begin with. We can't stay here to guard them, but you guys can! Make sure nothing bad happens to them. [Edges toward the exit.]


Austin : This lot can't guard babies! That's the kind of task you need to leave to heroes! [To Rodger] Are you heroes?


Jordan: [Whispers to Alice] Good quick thinking toots. Come on, let's skarper. [Joins Clint, talking loudly to Roger] Yes! That's it men, guard those babies from the baby eater! Do your job as soldiers and protect the innocent from harm!


Roger: Hell yeah we're heroes!


Charlie: Splendid! Guard these infants with your life, and we shall be on our way!


Clint: Great! It's settled, then.


Roger: [Waves his sword threateningly at Jordan] Be off with you, Baby Eater!



[Book IX, Act VI, Scene II. Above The Cave. ALICE, AUSTIN, CHARLIE, CLINT, DUR and JORDAN are here, having made their way up onto a hill above the cave. They can see a town in the distance, a few miles away, as well as a small encampment on the way, with a campfire burning. From their vantage point, they can see several reveals in the landscape.]

Alice: Yikes! This place is falling apart!


Austin : Well done group! That was a close call.


Clint: [Nods.] Well, that's where we come in! This isn't our first end of the world, after all.


Austin : Perhaps the only safe place to be is in one of the reveals. Hopefully it does not strike in the same place twice.


Jordan: [Intrigued] A reveal within a reveal you say? What a curious concept Mr Sleaze. [To Charlie] Chuckles, I do hope you're taking notes!


Austin : Most gracious of you to volunteer. If you would be so kind as to go and stand in the nearest reveal, for a few days perhaps, then we will know if the rest of the party will be safe!


Jordan: And pray tell, Mr Sleaze, what would you and the others be doing during that time? No, but we could place something inside one and come back later and see if it survived. [Scratches his head] No, these Reveals must be getting placed by someone, so entity, not randomly. I can't see any reason for a Reveal being placed within another, not even overlapping [he pauses] unless of course people took refuge in one and it was used to kill them all at once!


Alice: We already saw a Reveal in a Reveal, Jordie! When we came back from the past, just outside Charlie's house, remember? We need to find someone with answers. Answers and lots of healthy milk for us to drink. [Notices the party looking at her] It's really good for your bones and teeth.


Austin : Thank you Alice, for your most helpful and relevant information. Are your sure that you would not prefer to get blind drunk, smoke cheese and have an orgy?


Alice: Oh my good heck, no! I mean, of course! Yeesh, Aus! Pass the orgy pipe right away!


Austin : [Looks worried] It seems that we should go and party asap, before Alice turns into old Chassers!

;;; Chassers - Chastity, a nun that used to be in the party.


Alice: But where? Where will we find a party here? In the middle of nowhere? At this time of night? On a Tuesday?


Charlie: [Excited] Perhaps a local university? [Fans herself] My, we had some wild parties in my undergraduate days-- [earnestly] sometimes on Tuesdays!


Alice: [Grabs Austin's arm] Help me! That's starting to sound... exciting! And, God help me, I think I want to bake some cupcakes for it!


Dur: Our situation seems more dire every day!


Alice: Oh, Dur, I just want to clean you and find you a nice girl. [Gasps in horror]


Charlie: [Equally horrified] Alice, you cannot bring cupcakes! That much sugar will keep us up for ages, and we might oversleep the Wednesday morning lecture!!


g >lecture!!

Dur: And I'm already married, thank you very much!=20


Alice: Not the Wednesday morning lecture! [To Dur] I know. I said a "nice" girl.


Charlie: [Regretfully] Well, we haven't time for a party just now, in any case. [Brightly] But as we travel, we can play Guess the Chemical Compound!


Austin : That's the best idea you had in years! What chemicals will we be trying? Extra mature cheddar? Ripened Camembert? Dairy-lea?


Alice: That's easy! Chloride Indium Scandium Argonite.


Jordan: [Licking his lips] Blue Stilton, Edam. Oh the options are endless.


Alice: But where will we find this party?


Clint: We'll make the party come to us!


Jordan: The closest university!


Alice: Really? We're so lame that people didn't even understand my super cool chemistry reference.


Jordan: Damnit toots! I'm a poet not a chemist!


Alice: A real man would know science. All the cool guys are scientists!


Clint: [Horrified.] We've got to save Alice before it's too late for her entirely! Hurry up, guys! Walk faster!


Charlie: [Happily] Oh, Alice! Finally, we can truly relate to one another without my having to periodically endure glancing through Cordelia's Keen Teen Magazine! [Excited] Who is your favorite scientist--and why?! Oh! And act the answer out, charades-style!!


Alice: [To Clint] Walking is a wonderful idea. It's good exercise AND it gets you out in the fresh air! [To Charlie] Super! Here we go. [Holds up six fingers, before holding up one finger and miming putting on a stethoscope]


Austin : Perhaps you could explain your 'cool' joke first?


Clint: [Firmly.] There will be no scientist charades while I'm around to stop them! We've got more important things to do anyway!


Jordan: Oh! I know this one! Doctor!


Alice: [Points gleefully at Jordan, before making a gesture to show she means the whole name. She then mimes holding a baby, before making the motion of lighting match and setting the baby on fire, throwing it high into the air]


Clint: [Getting into the spirit of things.] Dur!


Austin : [Concerned] Dr. Trindle?


Alice: [Applauds] Yay! Dr. Jerome K. Trindle, BSc, PhD! Well done, Aussie!


Austin : [Silent for a moment. To the rest of the party] I think we have a big problem. [To Alice] Do another one.


Charlie: Oh! Oh! This time, do a chemist!


Alice: Now, I think it's great that you two love charades so much, but we do have a job to do! Come on, let's see if we can find out how where we are. What do you think? Down to the place with the camp fire?


Austin : [To Alice, checking his nails] I'm very sorry Alice, but I greatly dislike charades. It was merely a test to see how like Trindle's desired version of you, you had become. [Sighs] I fear we may be too late, or the odds are just too great!

;;;awa fer the day


Clint: [Looks Alice over.] No way that's *anyone's* ideal version of a real girl, right? [To Alice.] Uh, no offense. You're not yourself right now!


Alice: Really, Clint? Really? Or am I the way I always was, just not holding up a shield?


Charlie: [Laughs heartily] Oh, Alice! The new you is so witty!


;;; Kevin is out?

Dur: I think I should examine her!


Clint: I think we should do whatever we can to get Alice back to normal!


Alice: Unless my normal state is dead, I think we should find someone other than Dur!


Clint: At least we know you haven't completely lost your mind!

;;; Out early today, I fear. Swamped!


Alice: Don't be ridiculous Clint, I feel perfectly normal. [Thinks] Although I do have a strangely overwhelming desire to get some crinoline, [looks worried] I think we better figure out how to stop this, right away -- this long skirt is starting to look dangerously short to me!


Jordan: But short looks good on you! Shorter the better in fact!


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Charlie: [Astonished] Crinoline?! [Looks sadly into the distance] Oh, if only Deuce had lived to hear you say that!


Alice: We better find a sleazy bar, Tooth Sweet. You know the one? It's in Dementia? All the alcohol has a high sugar content to make it easier for kids to drink.


Austin : [Suddenly brightens up] Excellent idea! Let's go group! Alice, would you be so kind as to lead the way?


Alice: Of course! Just show me where Dementia is, and I'll get you there.


Austin : [Looks around] Right, we need some transport [Looks around for towns/villages, signs of life]


Jordan: [To Alice] Problem is, we don't know where we are, so we don't know where Dementia is to point you in that direction. I agree though, let's go check out that campfire you spotted earlier.


Alice: Good idea!

[The party set off towards the campfire.]

Alice: So, Charlie, what did you find out about Will? Why isn't Pestilence searching for her?


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Charlie: [Sighs heavily] Well, he HAS been trying, but there is some sort of shield that blocks him--and me--from finding her. [Gloomily] Her minions are protecting her from US! Her family!


Alice: Could maybe some of his angel buddies help out?


Jordan: Who could possibly have that sort of power?


Austin : [Flattered] Why, Jordan, there is no need to be so coy about my greatness. However, if I could do such a thing, I would most certainly have done it already.


Clint: [Drily.] Maybe you should send Will a cease and desist letter, lawyer. Use some of that mighty power.


Alice: If only we had access to a typewriter!

[The party slowly approach the camp fire. It is dark now, and they appear to be unseen. They can hear music playing from there, although more folksy than crazed party type music.]


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Charlie: [Disgusted, plugs her ears] Oh, I do hope it isn't those awful girls Pestilence likes so much!



Clint: [Shrugs.] Well, let's go find out! Might as well get this over with. [Leads the way.]


[CLINT almost walks into a woman approaching them. She is dressed in long flowing white robes similar to TAWNY, but hers are entirely more slutty. This is JEZEBEL ABYSS.]

Jezebel: I thought I could smell something!


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Charlie: [Startled] Oh, hello! Yes, that is our companion, Mr. Scar. [Whispers] It's likely an underlying medical condition.


Clint: [Nods.] It's called being a real man!


Jezebel: Very impressive! Won't you come and join us at our camp?


Austin : [Glances at Clint] The impression does linger somewhat. [To Jezebel] A most gracious offer, and yes, we would like to join you at your camp.


Jezebel: We are the Daughters of the Abyss. Who are you good people?


Charlie: [Vaguely] Ah, students of the Abyss, in a sense! Pleased to meet you! I am Dr. Charlotte Parker-Kensington, and these are my associates. Could you tell us a bit more about your devotion to the Abyss?


Jezebel: [Leading the party towards the campfire] We've lead lives of sin and depravity, of moral turpitude, and the Realms is about to be judged. We have seen the error of our ways and are ready to submit to the judgement.


Charlie: [Clearly faking and surreptitiously taking notes] Oh my, yes! The Abyss is certainly against those sorts of things. What other beliefs do we most likely share?


we most likely share?

Dur: [Wipes away a bit of drool from his chin as his listless expression finally fades] Ummmm.... what were we talking about?


Jezebel: I was sarcastically explaining to your colleague that being mindless cult followers doesn't necessarily mean we're idiots.


Charlie: [Laughs] No one thinks that, of course! [Pencil poised] Now, let us review our beliefs.


Dur: Ahhhh. I see, I see. So you're idiots for some other reason? Fascinating!


Jezebel: [Ignores Dur and dictates to Charlie] Of course, one of the crucial beliefs is that we like to send our more attractive members out to bring back annoying strangers so we can kill them.


Clint: Of course. Good thing none of us are annoying! [Glares warningly at Charlie and Dur and Austin and Jordan.]


Charlie: [Jotting notes] What a peculiar system! [Realization dawning] Oh. I see. Perhaps you could tell us what you believe the Abyss is, then?


Austin : They are barely worth the effort, I can assure you.


Clint: Haw! Now we're talking. Take us to the Uncle!


Alice: I don't know, Clint. Dur is pretty annoying.

Jezebel: I think you should come and talk Uncle. He's looking after us until The Mother arrives.


Jordan: You know, I can't but wonder that she is one of the more attractive members of the cult, and she's been sent out to get annoying people to take back to be murdered. Oh well, good job we aren't annoying, or else we'd be foolishly heading to where we were about to be murdered.


Jezebel: [Stops and looks back with a smile] That's the most annoying thing I've ever heard.

[She continues into a small camp, which is populated by a number of improbably attractive female cult members.]

Jezebel: [To one of the cult members] Fetch the Uncle.


Charlie: [Wrinkles her nose] Oh, I do hope he isn't one of those creepy uncles! You know the ones I mean? The terribly inappropriate ones mother warns you to avoid at Philimas?!


rns >you to avoid at Philimas?!

Dur: You mean the one she warns you about just before she sends you off to live with him and subsequently disappears?


Clint: I dunno, Chuck, it's not like he calls himself the Daddy!


Alice: No, more like the type who invites you to a party in his house with a bunch of other girls, and then you turn up and find out that it's just you and a bunch of his poker buddies. And they keep saying "Poker? Sure I will!". However, I'm quite sure that this quite a different uncle.

[Enter DARIUS, coming from a tent, with a look that is staggeringly smug even for him.]

Darius: Ah, I see The Mother has arrived.

;;; And there we will pause until Monday


Jezebel: The mother is here? [Looks at the party] Is one of these the mother?

Darius: That's certainly what the chicken bones said when the witch doctor read them.


Austin : Which Doctor?



Darius: Dr. John Smith.


Austin : 'The' Dr John Smith? [Glances at Alice] But I though he was dead! "From within it consumes" and all that!


Alice: I don;t know, Aus, that depends on who he is!


Charlie: Surely there are dozens of Drs. John Smith, though! [To Alice] Do you mean the dendrochronologist or the synecologist? [Excited] Or is it the vermeologist?! I have SO wanted to meet that Dr. John Smith!


Darius: This is the Dr. John Smith who bites the heads off live chickens and smears their blood all over his naked body while casting bones around to predict the end of the world.

Alice: [To Charlie] That sounds more like Dr. John Smith the proctologist. Er, so I've heard.


Austin : Another charlatan no doubt. Sounds like quite an entertaining show, particularly if you are nowhere near the front row.


Alice: It doesn't really matter where you are, as long as you're not in front of him!


Clint: Well, however he gets his information, the guy's good!


Jordan: Doctor who? I've never heard of John Smith. What a peculiar name.

Alice: [Nods sympathetically at Clint] Did he help you out with that unfortunate blockage, Clint?


Charlie: [To Darius] What more do you know about the mother's identity?


Clint: Why don't we ask the witch doctor directly? He might be able to help us with Will!


Darius: Nothing, just that one of you is The Mother. [To Clint] Not possible. A bunch of monsters appeared and killed him, demanding to know where the Mother was.


Jordan: So now what do we do?


Austin : Well, we can either believe this croc of nonsense about 'Dr Smith', or we can seek out the truth. [Casually checks his nails]


Clint: Are you saying our old pal Darius would lie to us, lawyer? Why, that would never happen!


Darius: You wound me with your unkind words, Clint. If I wasn't so busy violating these delightful cult members, I'd be offended. Don't tell me you guys don't know that one of you is The Mother?


Austin : Well, it's all a matter of perspective, really. Your witch doctor story is highly unconvincing, don't you agree?


Charlie: [To Darius] Well, naturally, I am Will's mother. So, perhaps it is me?


Darius: That depends on your perspective, Austin. If there was no other evidence, then sure, but it all points towards it being one of you. [To Charlie] Perhaps, but whatever The Mother is going to give birth to hasn't been born yet.


Austin : [To Darius] No offense meant, your information and assistance is appreciated. [To the party] Indeed, it may be prudent not to assume that it is one of the female members of the party. [Glances at Dur] Although Alice has been the focus of Trindle's attention for some time. [To Darius] Do you have any idea of which one of us it might be?


Darius: [Looks Dur up and down] Sure looks like a mother to me!


Austin : [Sighs] Well, chuckles is the mother of 'The Abyss' aka Wil. Alice has been looking more motherly as every day passes, and Dur is married to a demon, and odd stuff happens when humans marry demons. [Pauses] Mr Scar is so foul, I doubt that even a demon would mate with him, although he has been the mother of some ungodly smells in his time.


Charlie: [Looks closely at Dur] You do seem to be retaining water in your ankles!


Darius: [Looks Austin up and down] Although with your beautiful skin, you do have that attractive pregnant glow.


Dur: That's utter non-sense! I hate water!


Alice: So it could be anyone other than Clint?

[Everyone turns and peers at CLINT.]

Darius: Yeah, for sure. Who would want to live in a world where something would want to mate with that? Imagine the offspring!

;;; Alice, of course, is a descendent of Clint, due to some hanky

panky time travel!


Charlie: [To Darius] So, you do not know? Do you know what role the Mother is to play? [Worried] She isn't meant to harm The Abyss, one hopes?


Darius: I thought you guys knew? Don't you have the prophecy?

;;; He's possibly referencing the prophecy the party got in the past

;;; and hid near Charlie's house, in a place which has since been

;;; destroyed by a Reveal.


Charlie: Well, we did have it, briefly. [Eagerly] Do you have a copy?! Or do you know what it says?


Clint: [To Darius, by way of explanation.] We put it under the wrong rock. Don't you hate it when that happens?


Darius: I never put it in the wrong place. [To Charlie] Haven't a clue, but I suspect it's something about the end of the world. Now, who's up for some floozies and cheese?

;;; End of scene, next one coming right up


[Book IX, Act VI, Scene III. The Tent. ALICE, AUSTIN, CHARLIE, CLINT, DUR, JORDAN and DARIUS are here, surrounded by alcohol, cheese and all sorts of food.]

Alice: I'm sure the answer is something awful, but how is that you are in charge here, Darius?

Darius: Much as I'd love to disgust you all with some tale in which I somehow convinced this bunch of beautiful weirdoes that I was this Uncle they call me, I'm afraid the truth is that they sought me out. My buddy Dr. Smith told them to.


Clint: It's good to have friends in low places! So, how do we find out what the prophecy said? We're not messing around with timestreams again, are we?


Darius: [Lighting up some cheese] You could probably try and find the prophecy.


Charlie: Indeed, we shall. Have you any idea where it might be?


Austin : [Considers the problem] Well, Gertrude may have taken the prophecy from beneath the rock before the reveal. perhaps she can help us? [Takes a big draw of a fat cheesearette, in a long long cigarette holder]


Darius: No, although Gertie might have an idea.

Alice: [Takes some cheese and lets out a sigh] Hey! What am I wearing?


Charlie: [To Alice] Something sensible, and long may it last! [To Darius] As usual, you have been marginally helpful. Thank you. [To the party] Now, let us go find my family!


Alice: Maybe Dr. Smith knows where they are?


Clint: Wasn't Dr. Smith dead? Or are we talking about the *other* Dr. Smith?


Charlie: [Excited] Oh, the vermeologist?! Is he here??


Darius: Sadly, no. He's serving time in jail for starting that riot in the brothel. [To Clint] He probably was at some time, but he certainly seems to be alive now.


Jordan: [Enjoying the relaxing social cheese indulging] So if he was dead, but is now alive, why did you say before we couldn't see him because he was dead, when in fact he's alive again?


Darius: I didn't say you couldn't see him, I said he was dead.


Austin : [Takes a deep draw on the cheesearette, and nibbles a golden honeyed locust] As long as you just look, Jordan. No nasty stuff, okay?


Charlie: [Fussily swats away cheese smoke. To Darius, warily] Is he able to communicate, this Dr. Smith? Or are you directly us to view a corpse?


Darius: Smith does make a very attractive corpse.


Jordan: [To Darius] Okay, so he was dead, but now he isn't? You can't be a corpse and alive at the same time! [To Austin] Don't be nasty Sleaze.


Darius: I didn't say he was a corpse, just that he can make attractive ones. [To Charlie] He certainly can communicate, when he's not busy cheating at cream cracker eating contests. [Leans in confidentially] He's got really big cheeks. Hides milk in there. [Sits back] Don't say you weren't warned.


Austin : Sounds dangerous [blows some smoke rings]


Charlie: [Incredulous] The fate of the world hangs in the balance, and you think we shall stop to compete in juvenile eating contests?! Now, where is this Dr. Smith?


t cream cracker eating contests. [Leans in >confidentially] He's got reallybig cheeks. Hides milk in there. [Sits back] Don't say you weren't warned.

Dur: [Confused] Ok, so where do we find this man?


Darius: He's in the next tent, impregnating a cult member.


Clint: Sounds like my kind of doctor!


Darius: Don't worry, Clint. I'm sure he'll be able to give you a good seeing to once he's finished.


Austin : [To Clint] Now is hardly the time to be 'coming out' , Mr Scar, we have a world to save [Blows some smoke rings]


Jordan: Perhaps someone should let him know we are here and would like to see him.


Darius: He's in the next tent. Why don't you do it?


Jordan: And risk losing my cheese to one of you lot while I'm up? Don't think so. Besides, we are the guests.


Charlie: [Sighs heavily] Oh, I do wish we had at least ONE man in the group! [Strides over to the tent and calls out] Knock knock! Cease your copulation, please!


Darius: [Looks Jordan up and down] He's a doer, alright!

[Enter SVEN, coming out of the tent, looking a little flushed.]

Sven: [Brightens up as he sees the party] Haw! I knew you lot would be here before too long! [Grabs Charlie in a headlock and ruffles her hair playfully] How's my old buddy Pestilence doing? [Lets her go]


Austin : Hi Sven, Living life to the full I hope [Punches Sven incredibly lightly and carefully on the arm]


Charlie: [Stiffly disengages from Sven's headlock. Warily] Dr. Smith, I presume? Why have you assumed an alias, Mr. Goring?


Sven: I'm travelling incognito -- lots of dangerous characters around. Come on, Aus! [Gives Austin a huge bear hug, making his back give an audible cracking sound, and leaving Austin looking visibly relieved, as though he's just had a fantastic massage] Wow! Shooter! What happened to you?

Alice: I don't know! I've come over all respectable! It's awful!

Sven: Huh. It's all a bit Clementiney, isn't it? [Sexy growl] I like a well built woman.


Charlie: [Starting to warm up] But, Sven, what on earth is your role in all of this?! [Anxiously] Can you tell us anything about The Abyss and the Mother?


Clint: And more importantly, how we can stop Will from doing something she'll regret later?


Sven: Isn't one of you the Mother? [To Clint] We could tell her that it's okay to destroy the world, that way, when she does it, she won't regret it!


Clint: Haw! Why didn't we think of that earlier?!


Charlie: [Agitated] No, we will not! [Defensively] And she would regret it. It isn't as if she has no conscience.


Sven: The Abyss is the end of the world, guys. Some people think that Will is the Abyss. If she is, well.... let's hope she isn't.


Charlie: She isn't, I'm sure of it! She is merely a troubled girl going through a difficult and confusing time. [To Sven] You couldn't tell us more about the prophecy, could you?


Clint: Well, I bet the Abyss is probably going to wind up being a pretty troubled person!


Alice: She's not The Abyss, she's a very naughty girl!


Austin : [Deadpan] It's probably women's issues. We could recommend evening primrose oil, a cheesearette and some chocolate, and hope that saves the world.


Charlie: [Glares at Austin] In any case, we must get to her and convince her she is not this [finger quotes] Abyss. There is still plenty of time for her to enroll in the Watchers' Academy and follow the family path!


Alice: [Takes some cheese] Sounds like you're the one who needs an evening of primrose oil, cheese and chocolate.


Alice: I thought she was following the family path!


Austin : Not the official one, though.



Sven: [Punches Dur on the shoulder in a friendly way, almost knocking him over] Haw! I love this guy's optimism! Way to keep the spirits up, Dur! [Leans in confidentially] I found a steak sandwich a few days ago that was hardly eaten at all, I'll bring it in soon.

Darius: What happens if the world ends before her rebellious phase does?


Charlie: [Scoffs] Do be serious! She isn't even as bad as her father was at his worst, and he never came close to destroying the world. [Firmly] We will stop her and teach her the proper way to behave. [Brightly] I still have some of Pestilence's old notebooks with rules in them. Those will help!


Alice: Did you try to kill Phili?

Sven: Huh? [Smiles sheepishly] Did my best, Shooter, but Jerome got there first.


Austin : Perhaps we need to understand Wil to be able to stop her? Why would she want to destroy the world?


Charlie: [Sighs] Adolescence can be a bewildering time! And to half-demon child with competing instincts, no doubt this is even more confusing. To say nothing of the fact that the poor dear lost both of her parents, albeit temporarily. Our deaths seem to have triggered her anger and destructiveness, wouldn't you say?


Austin : Possibly, but it does seem as though she has been planning this since before you both died.


Alice: Has Will actually been linked to the Reveals?

Darius: Yes. There is absolute proof.

Alice: What is it?

Darius: A bunch of weirdo cult members say that she is The Abyss and that the world has to end to save their souls.


Clint: Well, I'm convinced! But how do we stop her without, y'know, hurting her? If she's such a troubled kid, I doubt giving her a stern talking to will do the job.


Charlie: Perhaps we could restrain her somehow? [To Alice and Austin] Could we perhaps get closer to her through your connection to that horrid man who is no doubt brainwashing her?


Alice: Sinclair? Maybe so. He was definitely in charge of the cult that was living in your house.

Darius: Sinclair? Sinclair Reeves? If he's involved, she's almost definitely not The Abyss.


Jordan: [To Darius] What makes you say that?


Darius: The man's an opportunistic freeloader who's flimflammery is of such epic proportions that it seems a crime that he's not a Knight.


Clint: So he's probably not the mastermind behind Will's bad behavior?


Charlie: Likely he is just exploiting the situation, further confusing the poor dear!


Alice: We still haven't established if she's actually trying to destroy the world! If she isn't, then maybe we need to find out who The Abyss really is?


Charlie: Agreed, and she clearly isn't trying to destroy the world. Though a nuisance, Winnebagonadoes are hardly apocalyptic!


Alice: But Mimenadoes? I'm sorry, Charlie, but if that's not a sign of an impending apocalypse, I don't know what is!


Austin : No, the other way round, he probably is?


Jordan: But I thought they were caused by Philli through Alice?


Austin : [Nodding in agreement, blowing smoke rings] It is a classic sign.


Alice: I think that maybe two mimes were caused by him, but the mimenado was caused by Will. She was using the things he tried to protect us with to kill us.

Darius: Heh. She's a real chip off the old block, eh?


Charlie: [Haughtily] I think you'll find that Pestilence is entirely reformed and now never tries to kill anyone he loves!


Clint: Chuck's dubious taste in loved ones aside, how do we find out for sure if Will really is the Abyss?


Darius: She's not the Abyss. You'd be better spending your time finding out who is.


Jordan: So how do we go about finding out who really is then?

;;; At hospital today so won't be around.


Darius: Hanging out with cults asking their leaders questions, I suppose.


Charlie: We must find a copy of the prophecy and interpret it!


Sven: Haw! That's the kind of determination I like to see in my favourite party! Who would know where it is?


Austin : [Musing] Will probably does. Possible Trindle too.



Alice: Good idea Dur! I think Sinclair might have a bit of a thing for me, so I bet he'd just give it to me!

;;; Both Alice and Austin appear to have a relationship with Sinclair,

and, although he

;;; was quite friendly to Austin, he clearly didn't even remember Alice!

;;; As will I -- U!S!A! U!S!A!


Charlie: [With a sniff] If he isn't too preoccupied, brainwashing my daughter, that is!

;;; First stateside Thanksgiving ever for Conor!

;;; Here's my chance to teach him the true purpose

;;; of Thanksgiving: eating yourself into a coma while

;;; watching football!


Dur: Maybe he is brainwashing her WITH the prophecy!

;;; And the GOOD kind of football at that! Not that soccer rubbish!


Austin : I shall write to him immediately, demanding a copy! [Starts writing a letter]

;;; there is no good kind of football!


Alice: Great idea, Aus! And maybe you could ask him where he is in the letter? That way I could convince him with my feminine wiles. [Shows off her sensible skirt and gives a sexy, if completely unconvincing growl]


Austin : [Stops writing, looks disappointed and puts the letter away] Maybe.


Clint: Maybe you should ask him where he his so that the *lawyer* can convince him with his feminine wiles. I think that would work better!

;;; Don't forget to teach him about doing your Christmas shopping on

;;; Friday. I've a theory that all major American holidays revolve around

;;; eating one's self into a coma, either before or after one has spent an

;;; obscene amount of money at the holiday sales.


Austin : [Smug] Oh, Mr Scar, flattery will get you nowhere, but you may continue to try.

;;; That might go well with the true purpose of all Irish holidays :)


Charlie: [To Clint, scolding] Mr. Scar, do stop your flirting! We have important business! Perhaps we can find some sort of [finger quotes] pleasure woman to sate your horrible desires at a later time. No doubt, if the price is right, she will allow you to call her Lawyer!

;;; So true, Dom! And, yes, it's all about conspicuous

;;; consumption, Tom!


Clint: [Confused.] What would I need a hooker's lawyer for?


Alice: If this is going to be your career, Clint, it only makes sense to be represented by someone who understands the biz.


Clint: [Still confused.] What the hell are you guys talking about, and what does it have to do with the prophecy and the Abyss and keeping Will from going more nuts and killing her mom?

;;; So the house across the street is being demolished even as I type. It's

;;; oddly fascinating to watch.


Alice: [Shakes her head sadly] Look Clint, you don't have to pretend. If you want to become a hooker, well, although we all think it is disgusting and a little pathetic, if not doomed to failure, we'll support you. After all, what's the worst that could happen?

[JEZEBEL bursts in through the door.]

Jezebel: We're all gonna die!


Austin : Why, what is happening? [Blows some smoke rings] You need to relax a bit more.


Jezebel: Oh, okay. [Leans casually against a large tent pole] A bunch of monsters are massacring the cult.


Austin : That's better [Offers Jezebel the cheesearette] How long do you think it will take them to get to this tent?


Jezebel: [Takes a long, slow, comforting drag of the cheeserette, before exhaling, filling the entire tent with smoke] About ten seconds.


Charlie: [Gasps] Hurry, group! [Pulls out her sword and looks outside]


Austin : [Alarmed] Ten seconds! Why didn't you say so in the first place! We must defend ourselves! [Checks for a back door and clear escape]


[CHARLIE pulls back the tent flap to reveal dozens of disgusting looking monsters rampaging through the camp, while AUSTIN lifts his back flap to show that there is a clear path leading away.]


Austin : Let's go, team! Hurry! [Leaves via the back flap]


Jordan: Yes, let us retreat at once! [Follows Austin]


Charlie: [Quickly closes the front flap and follow Austin] Indeed, we are quite outnumbered!


Dur: You mean leave all these innocent cultists to dismally horrific fate in favor of our own self-preservation? Now you're speaking my language! [Fle= es!]


[Exit all the party, screaming like a bunch of little girls.]

Darius: What do you think?

Sven: That's the Mother right enough.

;;; End of scene, next one coming right up


[Book IX, Act VI, Scene IV. The Middle of Nowhere. ALICE, AUSTIN, CHARLIE, CLINT, DUR and JORDAN are here, fleeing the campsite.]

Alice: What in my good heck are those monsters doing here? Is this because Jerome is pushing the balance back towards evil by having helped us?


Charlie: Yes, that must be it, and nothing at all to do with Will, I'm sure of it!


[The party hear some deep laughing from up above, and soon spot a huge scaly monster hiding behind a rock that's really far too small for it.]

Monster: [Apparently unaware of how obvious it is] Hurr! Hurr!


Charlie: [Gasps] Oh, perhaps he's friendly! And quite stupid! [Waves tentatively to the monster]


Austin : [Deadpan] We should all get on superbly then.


[The monster, MIKE WASOCKSEY leaps out from behind his cunning hiding place.]

Mike: Must kill Mother! [Blindly swipes around]

<A href=http://www.queens-view.com/wiki/index.php/Mike_Wasocksey>Mike Wasocksey</A>


Charlie: [Calls out] Hello! Am I your Mother, perchance?


Austin : [Backing off, looking for a way round. To Charlie, whispering] Don't talk to it! He can't see you but he can hear you!


Charlie: [Whispering] I suspect that, as well, but he must know the Mother when he hears her if he's been sent to kill her. Once we verify the Mother's identity, we shall steal away quietly!


Mike: Must kill Mother! [Charges in the direction of the party]


Clint: [Steps into Mike's way, weapon ready.] Not one of your better plans, Chuck!


Mike: Raaaarr! [Punches Clint and knocks him to the ground]

;;; Lose 15hp Clint

Alice: Clint! You're the one who spoke and alerted him to where you were! What an idiot! Can you ever just shut your mouth for one second? I mean, it's blah blah blah blah...

[Bang. MIKE punches ALICE and knocks her down.]

;;; Lose 13hp Alice


Charlie: [Tries to help Clint and Alice to their feet. Whispering] Let's retreat quickly and quietly!


Mike: Must! Kill! Mother! [Swipes around wildly, missing the party]

Alice: Good idea! [Steps on a carelessly discarded plate, which cracks]

Mike: [Turns to face the party] I can hear you!


Clint: [Throws the cracked plate off behind the monster and tries to move away quietly.]


[CLINT throws the plate so that it cracks on the edge of a ledge, before falling over a cliff.]

Mike: Hurr! Hurr! Fools! [Runs after the plate and falls over the cliff]

Alice: Hah! These monsters are idiots! We'll easily get away! [Looks off to one side] Oh. I think we may have a problem.

[There are literally hundreds of similar monsters watching the party. All of these ones have eyes.]

;;; Pause until Monday!


Alice: Er, I don't suppose you're here to worship the Mother?

Monster: We're here to kill The Mother.


Austin : Why do you want to kill the mother?


[The monsters charge at the party.]

Alice: I don't think they're in a very conversational mood, Aus!


Austin: Always succinct and to the point. That's what I like about you Alice. Let's run away [Looks for the best direction to run in]



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Charlie: No, never split the party! Let's go, group!



[The party run in the only direction that they haven't previously seen any monsters, but their pursuers are gaining fast.]

Alice: Holy crap! Everyone seems to think that one of us is the Mother! If only I hadn't killed Bonald and eaten his brain, he might protect us!


Clint: Well, let that be a lesson to you! Now, which of us is slowest, so I know who I have to outrun?


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so I know who I have to outrun?

Charlie: [To Clint] Jordan or Dur, I suspect! [To Alice] Do you really think that vile man would protect you? It isn't as if you married a kind and chivalrous man, like I did!



Austin : Perhaps Alice is the Mother, that is how Bonald referred to her, was it not?


Clint: Didn't lots of those freaks think Alice was the Mother, now that you mention it?


Alice: He did! This has to be about that! [To Charlie] Mentally, surely Clint is the slowest?

[The party keep running, but the monsters are closing in.]


Austin : [Running daintily, as if he does this all the time] And Alice gave us all powers, who's got s a power that can save us now?


Alice: Maybe Charlie could find a book and read it really quickly? Or Clint could smell something?


Austin : [Panicky] What else! What else? Someone help us!


[There's a sudden burst of light in front of the party, and a bunch of even angrier and scarier looking monsters appear.]

Alice: That's the opposite of help!


Austin : This is no time for philosophical discussions Alice! [Panicky, looks for a better direction to run in]


[The lead demon, BRIAN GRAZZLESPLATX of this new batch holds up his hand.]

Brian: Where is The Mother?


Jordan: We are actually trying to figure that out ourselves.


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Charlie: Indeed, and trying to clarify our feelings. [To Brian, casually] How do YOU feel about The Mother?



Dur: And are you talking about YOUR mother or THE Mother?


Brian: [Spots Dur] Son! Come to Daddy!

Alice: [Whispers to the party] Oh my good heck! That's Dur's father in law!

;;; Yes it is!! See


Dur: [Looking relieved] You've got great timing.... errrr.... pops. Does this mean you're here to help us?


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this mean you're here to help us?

Charlie: [Delighted] Oh, what a thrill! [To Brian, scolding] You should have told us you were coming! Dur would have tidied up and made some scones!


Austin : Have you seen the mother? Everyone is looking for her, and we'd quite like to know who, and where, she is too. Do you have any leads?


Brian: [Smiles sheepishly] Of course we're here to help you! You don't think I'd let any harm come to my grand child, do you?


Alice: Grand child? [To Austin] I think he may have a lead!

Brian: Well, excuse me, I should have said grand children.

[Everyone turns and looks at DUR.]


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Charlie: [Thrilled] Dur! You are going to be a father. How wonderful! Your little half-demons are welcome to any of Will's old onesies and Making Physics Fun flashcards!


Brian: [Laughs] Haw! Father, indeed!

[The pursuing monsters have stopped dead in their tracks.]

Brian: Let's kill these idiots.

Alice: Hey!

Brian: No, [points to the other monsters] those idiots.


Jordan: [Sniggering] Unless of course Dur is the pregnant one, then he'd be the mother and not the father.


Brian: You hardly think that Sophie is pregnant, do you?

Alice: Er, which one is Sophie?

Brian: My daughter! [Draws his sword] Let's kill the Cyclopses -- drinking Cyclops blood will be great for those little fighters in there [pokes Dur gently in the stomach with his sword]


Austin : [To Dur] I hope you have a big appetite!


Brian: Chaaaarge! [Leads a rampage which chases the cyclops away]

[Soon it is just the party left, watching the carnage.]

Alice: [Looks Dur up and down] What did you do?


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Charlie: How wonderful! I have ever so many tips to share with you. First, you MUST stop eating garbage, no matter how tempting. It isn't good for the babies.



Alice: [Nods] You need to stick to the Cyclops blood.


Dur: Haw, there goes one hell of a father-i.... [Pauses] Wait... what did he just say?!


Alice: [Hugs Dur, with tears in her eyes] I'm gonna be an aunt! [Playfully] Or maybe an uncle! [Big smile] Or BOTH!


Clint: Haw! Maybe Dur's the Mother!


Austin : [Pats Dur on the back without actually making contact To Dur] Congratulations! I didn't know you two were planning a family!


Alice: Neither did Dur!

[Enter SOPHIE, the beaming father-to-be.]

Sophie: [Bellowing and growling, but clearly trying to sound tender] Liiiitle Man!

<a href=http://queens-view.com/Scripts/08.10.html#10.10.068>The heart rending moment when Sophie and Dur last saw each other</A>

<a href=http://queens-view.com/wiki/index.php/Sophie_Valentine>Sophie Valentine</A>


Dur: [Trying to collect himself] Yes, well.... Hello dear. [To Austin] Not every birth is planned for... [Still shaking his head] and certainly not in= this fashion...


Clint: Speaking of birth, uh... how does this one happen?


Sophie: [Hugs Dur, almost crushing the life out of him] Little Man! Sophie feels bright! [To Clint] Same way it always happen. Eggs come out through birthing tube.


birthing >tube.

Dur: [Swallows nervously] Would that be the... er... front birthing tube, or the back?


Austin : [Tentatively] How big are these eggs? Will there be many?


Sophie: [Laughs loudly at Dur] You funny, Little Man! [To Austin] I hope so! Eggs small. Size of Irishman's head.

Alice: Eeek! [Looks at Dur] I hope your shoe size isn't indicative of your birthing tube size!


Dur: [Wipes the sweat from his brow] That didn't exactly answer my question. How long do I have?


Clint: Maybe you can give yourself a Caesarian!


Austin : [Looking very very squeamish] And what is his birthing tube?


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Charlie: [Eyes Dur's crotch dubiously] Are you certain his body can accommodate a birth, let alone a, ah, litter?


Austin : [Looks around flustered] Where on earth are we gong to find a birthing pool and soothing music?


Sophie: [Defensively to Charlie] Is not litter! Is more like swarm!

Alice: [To Austin] We're gonna need a bigger birthing pool!


Clint: And Dur's gonna need a bigger birthing tube!

;;; I hear you can get them over the internet, though.


Dur: A swarm! [Dabs his forehead] Well, I suppose if one is to have a family, bigger is better right?

;;; Ya'll are enjoying this way too much!!!


Alice: [Eyes up the enormous Sophie suspiciously] Suuuure!

;;; Just wait until the birth!


Jordan: And all this time we thought you or Charlie was The Mother, when really it was Dur the whole time!

;;; I imagine that is going to be any day now!


Austin : It still seems likely that there are at least three mothers, each venerated by various different cults. [Looks worried again. To Sophie] Will these babies need to feed when they have been laid and hatched?

;;;; out all afternoon


Sophie: Of course! That what father do!


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Charlie: [Wrinkles her nose distastefully] Couldn't one hire a wet nurse?


Austin : [Cautiously] And how does father feed the babies?



Sophie: Through nutrients that come out back!

Alice: Er, you know, although this is really interesting and all, [to Dur] maybe we should ask your lovely monster to bring us to Finley or Gretrude, Mother?


Clint: It's probably better than letting his coming motherhood freak the doc out any more!


Jordan: [To Charlie] Who is this Bonald guy anyway? And why did the doc marry [points discreetly to Sophie] ?


Alice: Bonald was my husband, I married him after he killed my fiance and ate his brains. Dur married Sophie so that a gang of monsters could storm the wedding reception at which I killed Bonald and ate his brain. [Shrugs] It's the sort of love story you hear every day.

Sophie: We had bunga-bunga. [Hugs Dur] His ear taste like cheese.


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Charlie: [Proudly] They both made terribly noble sacrifices for the good of the party, [modestly] under my leadership, of course!



Jordan: [Fascinated] The stuff great books are made of! Charlie I do hope you took notes to be able to write a book about it!

;;; must resist urge to make "still a better love story than Twilight" joke


Alice: Yes. We would have been lost without her.

Austin: If Dur is The Mother, perhaps were looking for him?

;;; Thank god!


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Charlie: [To Jordan, appalled] Heavens, no! I am not a [disgustedly] fiction writer.

joke ;;; Haha!



Clint: Sure you are. You publish scientific papers!


Alice: Yeah! All those articles in the Big Book of Science and Stuff about those tiny things that go around in circles, Toms, or whatever. I mean, yeah, right! [Waves her hands around mysteriously] It's all pronouns and neurons!


Clint: Exactly! Anyway, let's get a move on. The world isn't gonna save itself! [To Sophie.] So anyway, can you guys help us get to ol' Gertie? With luck, she has something we need!


Sophie: Of course! What is Gertie?


Clint: [Carelessly.] Oh, she's just Chuck's old gran.


Sophie: What is Chuck?


Clint: [Points a thumb at Charlie.] Her.

;;; A question I've often wondered myself!


Sophie: [Shrugs] Idunno.

[BRIAN and his cronies are returning, laughing and joking, covered in blood.]


Jordan: Well at least someone had some fun [points to BRIAN]


Brian: It was a hoot and a half! Now, is everyone ready to go back to Ludosity?

;;; Ludosity is the dimension where Deuce died and Dur and Sophie got married


Jordan: Oh, I've never been there before. What's it like?


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Charlie: Horrid! [Quickly, to Brian] In a homey sort of way, of course. Er, what is happening in Ludosity just now?



Brian: It's like one big party! Everyone's having fun all the time!

Alice: You're probably eating brains, right? [To the party] I bet they're eating brains.

Brian: No!

Alice: Really?

Brian: [Shrugs] Maybe a little.

Alice: Really?

Brian: [Laughs] Yeah! All the time! It's great!


Jordan: Brains isn't the only thing to eat there is it?


Brian: Of course not! Do you think we just throw away the cocks?


Dur: He's a bit of a picky eater.=20


Brian: Ah, I know the type. Probably only likes eyeballs and testicles, eh?


Austin : [Rolls his eyes and tuts]

;;;sorry crazy day


Clint: Not that going to Ludosity doesn't sound awesome, but are we really going to find Gerty there?


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really going to find Gerty there?

Charlie: Indeed we will not! [To Brian] We really haven't time to visit, you see. We are in the midst of a terribly important mission to [dramatically] save the world! [Hesitates] You do seem to know something about The Mother. . . .



Clint: Could you, say, tell us who she is? Part of that whole save the world thing we're doing.


Brian: Of course I know who The Mother is! [Puts his arm around Dur] Ah! The offspring of human and demon! Now that's something that's going to change the world!


Clint: Haw! I guess we know who we have to protect from all those 'kill the Mother' types!


Alice: What? DUR is the Mother? Oh my good heck!

;;; Sorry, I couldn't resist -- it just took Clint so long to figure it out!!


Austin : [Glances from Clint to Alice. To Dur] Perhaps you could enroll them as child minders, while they are still catching up? [I have prepared some contracts. Offers Dur some papers]


Jordan: [To the party] So if we don't go to their realm, what other options do we have? Do we even know where to start looking for Gertrude? [To BRIAN] Why do you want us to go with?


Brian: I don't. I just want the Mother to come. You're welcome to come if you want. [Gestures to the party] These guys were at the wedding, and were partly responsible for me coming to power in Ludosity, so they're always welcome. Anything I can do to help, I will. And if it involves eating brains or killing Cyclopses, then all the better.


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Charlie: [To Brian] How long will you need Dur? We do not want to lose track of him, in case we need someone to test whether or not something is poisonous or trapped or such.


Brian: How long do humans usually live?


Austin : About seventy earth years? [To Charlie] Do you have a more accurate figure?


Brian: We probably need him for about seventy years.

Alice: But we need him to save the world! [To the party] Don't we?


Jordan: What do you need him that long for?


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Charlie: [Flips out a notepad, excited] Oh, is that the length of gestation for your race?


Brian: No, that's how long he'll be looking after the grandkids. Do you have any idea how much smegpus a litter produces every day?

Alice: We don't even want to *know* what smegpus is!

Brian: It tastes a lot worse than it sounds.


Clint: As exciting as that sounds for Dur, we need him for, oh, the next few weeks first, if you don't mind. Just until we save the world.


;;; Kevin is snowed in!

Dur: [Nods] After all, they did help save your, er, our world too!

Sophie: [Squeezes Dur hard] He my hero!

Brian: Ha! [Punches Dur hard on the shoulder] Just like me when I was pregnant with Sophie and her brothers and sisters! Just don't go getting killed!


Clint: Haw! No, we'll keep him alive for you. Maybe even take him to some Lamaze classes or something! Around saving the world, I mean. [To the party.] So, now what?


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some Lamaze classes or something! Around saving the world, I mean. [To the party.] So, now what?

Charlie: [To Brian] Could you help us find my family? We need their assistance urgently.


Brian: Sure. We have a transporter back on Ludosity that can send us to any person in any dimension. It's great, the only drawback is that it can only bring you back from the same location you were sent to. Oh, that and the clothes scrambling.


Jordan: So you can only go back by standing where you appeared? Are your clothes scrambled?


Brian: Yes.


Clint: Well, that works for me if it works for you guys!


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Charlie: [Wrinkles her nose] But what does it mean to have one's clothes scrambled? This is quite a nice suit, and I only have three more just like it in my knapsack!


Austin : [Uneasy] Can we go through one at a time, to avoid this flaw in the transporter?


Clint: Only if that means that none of us shows up in the nude!


Brian: Oh stop being in such a flap. The worst case scenario is that you end up wearing someone else's clothes, big whoop!


Austin : [Nods in agreement] You see Mr Scar, it even horrifies a demon! [Ponders] I suppose we can all go through naked, with our clothes in our bags. That way perhaps only our bags will swap over, and that will be simple to remedy.


Alice: [Looks at Austin, horrified] Really? You would willingly be naked with Clint?


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Charlie: [Primly] I am certainly not disrobing. [Nods to Dur] We married ladies must think of our husbands. [Firmly] We shall stay clothed and risk a bit of swapping.



Jordan: Besides, it would take up more time, time I'm assuming we don't have if we are going to stop what is going on.


Alice: Especially as time in Ludosity might move at a different rate to here!

Brian: To Ludosity!

[BRIAN dramatically throws an orb to the ground, and it explodes into purple smoke, covering everyone.]

;;; End of scene!


[Book IX, Act VI, Scene VI. The Clearing. ALICE, AUSTIN, CHARLIE, CLINT, DUR, JORDAN, BRIAN, SOPHIE a bunch of MONSTERS are here. This is the same clearing as before, and the smoke slowly subsides.]

Brian: Hm. [Checks a map and then a compass] Right, can everyone shuffle a foot to the right.

[Everyone obliges.]

Brian: No! *My* right.

[Everyone obliges.]

Brian: No! My *right*!

[ALICE obliges.]

Brian: Let's go to Ludosity! [Dramatically throws another orb to the ground.]

;;; End of scene, next one coming right up!


[Book IX, Act VI, Scene VI. A different Clearing. ALICE, AUSTIN, CHARLIE, CLINT, DUR, JORDAN, BRIAN, SOPHIE a bunch of MONSTERS are here.]

;;; Pick someone's clothes at random, and that's what your character

is wearing. The worse the better

Alice: [Wearing some super flouncy and ruffly underwear] What on earth is this?

Brian: [Wearing some awful drab grey underwear] Hey! We swapped!


Dur: [Wearing an immaculately pressed and clean suit] Hey! I just got that Tunic stained the way I wanted it!


Alice: [Looks at the disgustingly stained tunic that Austin is wearing] Oh no! Poor Austin!


Austin : AAaargh! [Goes white as a sheet. Looks up, whistling fearfully and starts taking off the vile clothing]


[The monsters all immediately start laughing at AUSTIN.]

Sophie: Hurr! Hurr! His penis way smaller than mine!


Austin : [Looks at his genitals, and laughs. To Sophie] Well you must have a huge penis then! [Winks at Dur, smirking] What a lucky husband you have. [Starts cleaning himself with handi-wipes]


Jordan: [Wearing Charlies clothes] I don't know what's more disturbing, Austin having to wear Dur's clothes, or the fact Dur's wife has a penis.

;;; Sorry can't really remember what anyone actually wears


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Charlie: [Looks at Jordan wearing her lovely grey suit, dismayed] Oooh, please do not burst the seams! [Looks down at her own outfit, Clint's repulsively smelly shirt and ill-fitting pants tied with a rope belt] Dear God, NO! [Tries to grab her suit jacket from Jordan]


Alice: Please! Stop! Can you all just calm down a moment? The clothes are going to change when we get back to our own dimension anyway, right?

Brian: Right.

Alice: So what's the rush?

Brian: Every second you spend here causes an hour to pass in your own dimension.


Austin : [Now naked, but clean] In other words, we must hurry, before our dimension no longer exists! [Turns to Dur] Mr Dur, please remove my clothing from your person before I am forced to take extreme action. Waves a packet of 'ultra anti-septic handy-wipes' and a pair of marigolds at Dur]


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Charlie: [Wails] Mr. Scar WHY are your clothes so--crunchy?! [Does a double-take. To Brian] What did you say?! Hurry, send us to Grandmother and Mother! No time to change!



Clint: [Stuck in Jordan-wear.] Yeah, let's get a move on! [Hands Austin Jordan's jacket.] Here, lawyer. You need it more than me!


Alice: Ew! You don't really expect him to wear it after you wore it, do you, Stinky?


Jordan: I'm not sure I want to, and it's my jacket!


Clint: If you're not going to use it again, that makes it perfect for a loin cloth for the lawyer here!


Austin : [Looks at the jacket in disgust] Thank you. Most kind, I'm sure [Drops the jacket on the ground]


Brian: [Hugs Dur] Well, son! It's time to go! [Hands Dur a small wooden cube] At the time, you'll know what do with it. [Throws an orb on the ground and the party are once again enveloped in smoke]

;;; End of yet another scene -- next one coming up!


[Book IX, Act VI, Scene VII. A cavern. ALICE, AUSTIN, CHARLIE, CLINT, DUR and JORDAN are here, having just appeared, and once again having switched around clothes.]

Alice: [Now wearing what was once a beautiful suit, but which now has a bunch of disgusting stains on it] Ew! [Looks balefully at Clint] I know you were somehow involved. [Does a double take on Dur] Oh!

[DUR has an unmistakable pregnant bump, about five months along.]


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Charlie: [Squeals with delight and reaches to pat his stomach] Oh, Dur! How wonderful! Oh, it's just like when Countess Fluffington Sillywhiskers had her first litter!



kers had her >first litter!

Dur: [Poking worriedly at his own stomach beneath the drab grey and obviously female underwear] How am I supposed to work like this! I'm hungry!


Alice: Countess what? [Looks at Charlie] Oh my good heck!

[CHARLIE, it appears, is also pregnant, about the same amount.]


Dur: [Staring at Charlie] Good Phili woman! Couldn't do with just one childcould we? Perhaps this one will be half angel now I suppose?


Austin : [Panicking, checks his own abdomen] What the hell? [Remove his soiled clothes and gets out a fresh packet of handy-wipes] So time some how re-ages us when we come bak into our dimension, but surely we were only gone for a few hours of our own time? [Starts cleaning himself] Isn't nature wonderful!


Alice: I don't know, Aus -- the last time it was months! [Starts rifling through her own bag, relieved to find some very conservative fifties style clothes]


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Charlie: [Looks down in astonishment, rubbing her stomach in wonder] Oh, my! [To Dur, thrilled] Oh, we shall be [finger quotes] belly buddies! [Suddenly looks nauseated] Oh, dear. My hormones are quite out of control.


Alice: Huh. That's just what that awful man said when we were making making love. It was quite distasteful.


Austin : [Still naked] Hmm, probably accelerated demon gestation then. [Sighs] Oh well, I expect it will all work out for the better. [Walks into the cave]

[Austin returns from the cave wearing a stunning blue evening suit by Brewis Bitton, with matching baby panda skin shoes, and a pristine shirt by Hugeo Buss]

Austin : [Checking his hair. To Charlie] So how long was the gestation period for Will?


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Charlie: Oh, quite rapid! Fifteen weeks or so, I believe, [disapprovingly] though my notes from the time of The Bliss are most unreliable.


Alice: [Eyes Austin's suit disapprovingly] Our time in Ludosity must have sped things up. So maybe Charlie is the Mother after all?


Clint: Maybe the Mother isn't a single person? I mean, maybe we're all the Mother?


Alice: So we're all going to become impregnated???


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Charlie: I should hope not! Dur and I are the only ones lawfully wed, so it would be inappropriate and irresponsible for the rest of you to start families!


Clint: I'm not saying I want to, just that it sounds like the kind of thing that would happen to us!


Alice: Wasn't Dur's father-in-law supposed to send us to Gertie? Maybe she can tell us if we're all The Mother. [Somewhat sulkily] You know, *I* was the Mother before any of you!


Austin : Since we are highly skilled in the inappropriate and irresponsible, we may all end up being parents. [To the others] I would strongly advise the use of contraceptives from now on. [Frowns at Alice's drab garb] Don't you have anything a lot more ... fun to wear? You are so letting the side down. [Sighs]


Alice: [Rustles her crinoline] This is fun!


Austin : [Cringes, wincing] Eeeew! We really need to find a cure for you.


Alice: Now, now, Austin, there's nothing wrong with having a proper appearance. Now, why don't we go and look for Gertrude? I'm sure she'll be able to tell us what's going on.


Clint: Put it on the list, along with a cure for Charlie and a cure for Dur!


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Charlie: [Sharply] We do NOT need to be cured, you horrid child-hater! [Suddenly misty-eyed, rubbing her stomach] Oh, Grandmother and Mother will be so thrilled to hear the good news. [Shakes her head furiously] Curse these hormones! Let us hurry before my mood changes again!



Alice: I think we can go this way. [Points to a path where there appears to be light ahead] I wonder why Gertrude would be in a cave?


Clint: Maybe she's hiding from something or someone?


Alice: Is that a pair of trousers? [Points to some carelessly discarded trousers that have a huge sandwich crammed into one of the pockets.]


Clint: [Puzzled.] What would Dur's trousers be doing way the heck out here?


Alice: [Looks at Dur, who, mercifully, is wearing trousers] More to the point, Stinky, does Dur really own two pairs of pants?


Jordan: [Looking at Dur] Well it's not like he's wearing his own pants at the minute. [Rummages through his bag for a clean set of his own clothes]


Alice: It's not like he was here before, though, right? [Glares at Dur] Were you? [To the party] Of course he wasn't. He was with us.


Dur: Errrrr.... right? I think?


Alice: No, you never think, that's part of the problem!


Jordan: Which problems is that?


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Charlie: [To Alice, soothingly] Alice, do calm down! Two hormonal ladies [gestures to Dur and herself] are quite enough for one group. Whatever is the matter?


Alice: [Points at Dur] Really? Just look at him. And you have to ask what is the problem? Do we really have time to discuss this?


Clint: It's not like Dur planned on having to birth a small horde of demonlings through his, y'know, birthing tube!


Alice: Sure, but the really creepy thing about Dur is that giving birth to a small horde of demonlings through his birthing tube is it's one of the least creepy things about him!

sorry for no post,been very ill.


Clint: Yeah, I guess. Say, are we going to see if Gerty's in here or not? [Strides toward the light.]


Alice: My, my, Clint, I do like when you take charge!

[CLINT boldly leads the way, only to almost immediately encounter DR. ALISTAIR FINLEY, everyone's favourite weird scientist. He is not wearing any pants.]

Alistair: [Without any hint of surprise at seeing the party] Have you seen my keys?


Dur: Perhaps they are in your pants.=20


Clint: Which you should be wearing! They're just over there.


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Charlie: [Mortified] Please tell me there is a scientific, rather than sexual, reason for your pantlessness.



Finley: Of course! I'm keeping my sandwich cool! [Looks Charlie up and down] Am I responsible for that?


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Charlie: [Cradles her stomach protectively and scolds] Do be serious! I am a happily married woman and would never betray my husband. [Brightly] Now, are you sheltering with Mother and Grandmother, by some chance?



Finley: Don't be ridiculous, young lady! I'm 60 years old -- Grandmother died a long time ago!

Alice: She means Gertrude and Helena.

Finley: Ah yes, of course! [Picks up his pants and frowns] This IS my sandwich, but these are not my pants. How strange.


Jordan: Quite strange indeed, they do appear to be a pair of Durs pants, but that implies he has more than one pair, which wouldn't make any sense at all.


Austin : [Clears his throat] As delightful as this fascinating discussion is, can you continue it inside the cave, so that the rest of us may talk to Gertrude and Helena about saving the Realms?


Finley: Of course! Of course! [Picks up his pants and fishes out the sandwich] As long as it isn't too late, of course!


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Charlie: Too late for what?! [Heads toward the cave] Mother? Grandmother?!


Austin : Too late? What ever happened to positive mental attitude?


Finley: Eh? [Peers at Austin] Hm. You obviously haven't seen many of those exploding animals, young man!

[The party follow CHARLIE into the next cave, where she suddenly stops, causing everyone to bump into her. This is a larger cave than the last one, with a fire lighting in the middle. There are clothes strewn about, and GERTRUDE sits up in bed, smoking a cigarette. Her face lights up when she sees the party.]

Gertrude: Charlie! Oh my goodness! It's wonderful to see you!


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Charlie: [Looks around the room in horror] Grandmother! [Hopefully] Are you feeling under the weather and have decided to take to the bed today?



Gertrude: Quite the opposite, Darling! [Big smile] Looks like you have some news!

Alice: [Pokes in front of the Charlie] Dur's pregnant!

Gertrude: Oh. Well, that's... interesting.

Finley: Which one is Dur?


Dur: [Grumpily] Shouldn't you be looking for your pants? [Tries to snatch the sandwich.]


[Yoink! Much to FINLEY's surprise, DUR grabs the sandwich.]

Alice: [Points at Dur] That's Dur.

Finley: Ah. Well, that IS interesting. I wonder if that accounts for the smell?


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Charlie: [Shakes her head] No, that would be his diet and grooming habits. [To Gertrude, rubbing her stomach and all aglow] Yes, Pestilence and I are expecting! Isn't it wonderful?!



Gertrude: Pestilence? [Raises an eyebrow] That's... surprising! Your mother will be... delighted when she hears.

Finley: These aren't my pants!


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Charlie: [Dreamily] Oh, yes! He is alive and well once more! [Huffily] And Mother should be delighted. [With an air of tragedy] Ours are the only grandchildren she will ever have!


Gertrude: Don't write off Cordy, my dear. She'll soon blossom.

Alice: [Fussily dusting off a rock to sit on] What's all this about exploding animals?

Finley: Animals appear to have become weaponized! Along with the increased appearance of the Reveals, the world has become increasingly more unstable. Earthquakes, raining mimes, rivers of blood. It's all become too common.


Austin : [To Charlie] Will Pestilence be changing his name? It does not seem to be the best name for an angel.


Jordan: Quite right Mr Sleaze, quite right. [To Finley] Of course they aren't your pants! I told you just two minutes they were Dur's!


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Charlie: [To Gertrude, with a nervous laugh] Of course, I included Cordelia in the [finger quotes] our, as Pestilence and I have been her caretakers for some time now. [To Austin] Yes, I broached that suggestion, but when one has had a name for hundreds of thousands of years, one does get attached, it seems!


Finley: You most certainly did not! You said they appear to be his, that's quite different. It's that sort of lack of precision that has got the world into the state it is today!


Alice: [Claps her hands loudly] People! Please! Can we focus? Can we stop talking about names and pants? I mean look at what is going on here? Charlie's gran just boinked a guy that she did!


Austin : [Looks around] So?


Alice: You have no soul, Austin. Whatever happened to you?


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Charlie: [Listens to Alice's words then clears her throat. To Gertrude and Finley] Anyway, do you two know anything about what has happened to poor Wilhelmina? She seems quite [delicately] out of sorts.



Jordan: [To Alice] Lawyers don't have souls dear. [To Gertrude] In other words her daughter has gone bat-shit crazy and is trying to kill us.


Finley: But she hasn't succeeded, has she? That seems interesting, given that she is quite powerful. In terms of craziness, Wilhelmina, although getting a rating of eight on the crazy scale, is not the biggest concern at the moment.


ing a >rating of eight on the crazy scale, is not the biggest concern at the moment.

Dur: I can eat to that! [Begins eating the sandwich he snagged.]


Finley: So why hasn't she killed you?


Dur: Our tenacious will to survive? [Spraying bits of sandwich]


Austin : It is possible that some other entity, possibly Trindle, has intervened to save us.


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Charlie: Because she isn't evil! She just needs help.



Finley: [Starting to write notes on his white board] She just needs... [gives Charlie a sympathetic look] Mm. [Looks at Austin] Interesting. Who is this Trindle?


Austin : Just another nobody, a geek looser with a crush on Alice.


Alice: Uh, and he is Phili too, though.

Finley: God has a crush on you? [Looks Alice up and down] Really? [To the others] Really?


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Charlie: [Shrugs] He did used to be a geek, and you know how they are. They always fall in love with the first blonde they meet!


Finley: Yes, and many of them do have a Mommy fixation.

Alice: Hey!

Finley: However, this may explain a lot. There has been tremendous instability in the Realms in the last few months. A terrible tilt towards evil.


Austin : [Tuts. To Charlie] Your jealously knows no bounds! The best thing about Trindle is that he is in love with Alice.


Alice: That and the fact that he saved our lives a bunch of times on that flying boat thing.

Finley: That's why there's such instability!


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Charlie: [Relieved] So, it isn't Wilhelmina at all!


Gertrude: [Out of bed, with a bearskin wrapped around her] Not directly, no, but she is trying to kill you, which is causing Phili to over react, and cause a tilt to evil. And, of course, there's the matter of the Reveals. They have become very common.


Jordan: Does anyone know who or what is the cause of them yet?


Clint: And are we going to have to killl some babies or something to get this to stop? Because that's not going to work for me!


Finley: Someone's going to have to kill something, that's how it works! Hopefully you won't have to kill the Clutch.


Clint: What's that? Dur's spawn?


Finley: No! It's the bunch of crazy babies that has been roaming the Realms!


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Charlie: [Eagerly] Oh, we have seen them! [Hesitates] Though, they did not seem crazy, rather just determined. Could there be TWO herds of infants? [To Finley] What do you know about this Clutch?



Austin : [Steadies himself against the wall, looking pale] Perhaps we could just hide from them and they'll go away?


Finley: All babies born after the end of the Bliss have become known as [irritated finger quotes] Crazy Babies. A rather inaccurate term, I fear. They become fixed on a particular location and all head to that same point, regardless of where they are. They are relatively quiet when in a large group, but completely inconsolable otherwise.

Alice: I think we're all agreed that no one is going to kill any babies this time!


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Charlie: [Intrigued] Where are they going?! Has anyone followed them until they stopped? [Muses] Perhaps WE could follow them!



Gertrude: We've tried, but they keep changing direction!

Finley: I tried to secure a small supply for research purposes, but alas, we were denied. HARMA have not been good for scientific research!


Clint: HARMA haven't been good for much anything! So what's the plan?


;;; out today


Finley: For what? To try and get Phili under control? To stop Wilhelmina? To find out where the rest of the prophecy is? Or to find out what the pattern of the Reveals is?


Clint: Yes?


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Charlie: [Looking a bit dazed] Oh, dear. That is quite a lot to manage. Perhaps the prophecy first? [To Finley and Gertrude] Pestilence and I have repeatedly tried to reach Will, to no avail.


Finley: [Looks Clint up and down] Whatever the plan is, I suspect you will be more of a follower than a contributor!

Gertrude: Your mother has gone to try and find the rest of the Prophecy -- do you have it by any chance? [Looks around at the party]

;;; She's referring to the prophecy the party went back in time to

get, but had to hide (in the past) on

;;; the Parker-Kensington property, only to find that when they had

returned to their own time the hiding

;;; place had been consumed by a Reveal


Clint: No, we put it under a rock and when we came back, the rock was gone. That's why we were looking for you!


Finley: Was the prophecy still there?

Alice: No -- the whole place was gone!

Finley: That's rather inconvenient.


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Charlie: Perhaps Alice could attempt to reason with Dr. Trindle? [To Alice, nudging and winking] You know, put those feminine wiles to work to convince him to stop toying with the balance?



Jordan: Well if he is somehow manipulating the change in Alice, I suspect it won't take much at all, since he is modelling her to be what or who he fantasizes about the most. Right?

;;; Sorry had company all day.


Finley: [Takes a magnifying glass and peers at Alice] True! And she does appear to bear a startling resemblance to Clementine! However, what reasoning would you use? He must stop protecting you? Then Wilhelmina might succeed in killing you all and then, my friends, I suspect Dr. Trindle would cause an even greater imbalance in the world!


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Charlie: [Stubbornly] But I do not believe she REALLY means to kill us. She is just acting out and does not know her own strength! [To Finley, changing the subject] What have you learned about the pattern of the Reveals?



Austin : [Frowns] I thought we already did that bit. It's a spirally pattern isn't it?


Finley: Oh no! It WAS a spiral, but it has grown now, into a completely different sort of animal!


Charlie: [Intrigued] What sort of an animal?! [Super-excited] Oooh, is it a cat??


Dur: Something we can kill and eat I hope?


Finley: [Laughs and squeezes Dur's shoulder] Haw! I like this one, but no, it's not a cat. [Looks at Dur's pregnant bulge] Er, I'm not responsible for that, am I?


r that, am I?

Dur: Hardly. This is the brood I am carrying for my loving wife.=20


Finley: Phew! That's a relief!

[Turns a white board over.]

Finley: Behold! The new pattern!

;;; Dom is away this week

Austin: Incredible! How many of them are there?

Finley: Hundreds!


Jordan: Looks like a funky lollipop if I'm honest.


Clint: There's nothing important at the end of the stick, is there?


Charlie: [Studies the pattern] Most interesting! Couldn't it be a tree, with those stylized leaves at the center? [Nods a Clint] And good question, Mr. Scar. [To Finley] Is its, shall we say trunk, pointing at something particular?


Finley: I don't believe there's anything at the end, other than a particularly huge Reveal!


Clint: Well, a particularly huge Reveal is something, anyway. Maybe the whole thing is just someone's signature?


Jordan: Or it could be overlapping testicles and a penis?


Alice: Unlikely. Notice how the penis would be disproportionately small compared to the testicles then? [Looks Jordan up and down] Ah. [Smiles]


Charlie: [Giggles and fans herself] Oh, my! [To Finley, composing herself] What do you make of these changing patterns?


Finley: That it's not finished. Whatever this is, it has only just started.


Jordan: [To Alice, smirking] They could be the testicles of a 50 year old virgin, who has never pleasured himself. Not even once.


Alice: At least it's kept you looking young.


Clint: Yeah, but is that a life worth living?! So, we've got a lollipop/signature/weird sex thing going on for the Reveals. Let's focus on figuring out what to do about the prophecy and get back to the Reveals when we know which it is!


Austin: [Examining his nails] What of Trindle and Wilhelmina? Will he continue to disrupt the balance of the Realms by trying to protect Alice?


Charlie: Surely he will. [Glumly] Perhaps our best course is to stay well away from Will. Perhaps we could help Mother find the prophecy?


Clint: Yeah, let's stay away from Will for now. Lord only knows what finding out she's going to have a brother or sister is going to do to the girl!


Jordan: Speaking of which, is the baby half demon or half angel?


Gertrude: That depends on what Pestilence is.


Charlie: [Bursting with pride] An angel, just as I always knew he was, down deep! Isn't it wonderful, Grandmother?! He sacrificed himself for us. It was terribly noble, particularly given that he hadn't the benefit of a conscience at the time!


Clint: I wouldn't put it like that to Will, Chuck. "Yeah, your father was only a demon when I had you, but *this* baby has an angel for a daddy!"


Alice: Yes, I don't think that's going to make her any more well disposed towards us! You know, maybe Jerome has calmed down? After all, if he really was obsessed with me, surely he'd already have turned up here?

Finley: Ah! But we're in a shielded area! Even Phili can't see what's going on in here. [Gives Gertrude a sly look] Just as well!


Jordan: How in the realms did you manage that?


Finley: The reverse-reverse cowgirl? Well, you need some equipment. Let's see..

Gertrude: I think he means how did we manage to shield the area? An old friend of the party's, actually, Darius, supplied an orb that we were able to connect to a power source.


Charlie: Oh, could we arrange to get one of those? This would help keep Dr. Trindle from interfering and throwing the balance out of--er, balance!


Gertrude: Unfortunately, my dear, they are very difficult to get. I think Sven may have one.


Charlie: My, isn't he at the center of everything these days! [To the party] Perhaps we should take safeguards, for the good of the realm?

;;; Out for the day! Poor lonely Conor!


Alice: We should, but what? [Looks at the others] You know, Sven was there when Jerome killed Phili, so we probably need to be careful of him.


Charlie: [Nods] Well, then, let us avoid Will and Dr. Trindle as best we can and assist Mother with her search for the prophecy.


Dur: Sure! Where do we start?=20


Gertrude: Helena and Sven went to Nostalgia, as they had heard rumours that someone from HARMA had the map there.

Alice: Nostalgia? I love that place!

Gertrude: [Sighs] Ah, it's not as nice as it used to be.


Clint: Eh, it's not all it's cracked up to be!

;;; I should be in and out the next couple of days; I forgot to say that I'm

;;; in the middle of the "get everything ready for the holidays" rush.

I leave

;;; Saturday.


;;; Heather is out today

Charlie: [Claps her hands together] Right then! No more time for dilly dallying! It's off to Nostalgia!

;;; End of scene, next one coming right up


[Book IX, Act VI, Scene VIII. The Cave Mouth. ALICE, AUSTIN, CHARLIE, CLINT, DUR and JORDAN are here, slowly creeping forward.]

Austin: Perhaps the bulkier party members, such as Jordan, Clint, Charlie, Dur and Alice should lead the way?


Clint: Perhaps the pregnant ones should hide in the back!


Jordan: Or perhaps our leader should, you know, lead the way. And why are we creeping anyway?


Charlie: [Barges through] Yes, I shall lead you, don't worry, Jordan!

Alice: I think we're creeping because if even Gertrude is afraid of what's out here, things are probably pretty scary.

Charlie: [Stops right at the outside of the cave] Oh. [Looks back] I think creeping is probably a good idea.


Clint: Haw! Well, it's a good thing we're so good at being stealthy and subtle then, isn't it? [Creeps forward.]


Alice: How bad can it be?

[The party catch up to CHARLIE and peer out. The entire landscape is barren desert, and the sky is a disgusting grey colour.]

Alice: Er, this place was always a desert, right?

Austin: Definitely not.

Alice: How can you be so sure?

Austin: Because there were never any deserts in the Realms.


Clint: I hate to point out the obvious, but this isn't good!


Austin: [Disgusted] Trindle! He's let this happen!

[A tiny kitten with an adorable bow walks into view and starts heading to the party.]

Charlie: Oh look! Isn't she precious?


Jordan: Absolutely. I wonder how she's survived out here? [Squats down and holds his hand out toward the kitten, inviting it closer]

;;; I get the feeling this is going to hurt. A lot.

;;; Are we breaking for Christmas after today?


[The kitten advances, only to explode a few feet from JORDAN, knocking everyone to the ground.]

;;; Every loses 20hp, except Jordan, who loses 30

Alice: [Wiping some kitten entrails off her] Ow. Is everyone okay?

;;; Yes!


Charlie: [Stunned] Oh, the poor dear! [Wipes blood from her eyes] Who could do such a dreadful thing?!


Austin: Finley did say that there were many exploding animals -- perhaps this is just the start of it.

Alice: I wonder if Jerome will notice that we're back, now that we're outside the cave.

[A path of lush grass suddenly appears. It is about six foot across and leads off into the distance.]


Jordan: I guess that's a yes then. Shall we follow the green grass road?


[The party tentatively step onto the grass and head off through the desert. As they do, the ground shakes with a tremor, and a huge crevasse opens up off to one side, but far enough away that it doesn't trouble them.]

Alice: So, uh, this balance thing. I guess Jerome isn't doing such a good job, is he?


Last post from Conor #14

Dur: What did you expect?

;;;Out of town all next week so Dur's antics will have to be NPCed!


[The path leads to a lush clearing in the middle of the desert, packed with all sorts of goodies, including hair care products, beautiful suits, books on demonology, dozens of bottles of whiskey, several trash cans with half eaten food in them, and, of course, steaks, chops, a soused pigs head, complete with apple, golden honeyed locusts, jellied eels, thrushes ankles, snakes feet, crispy popadoms and curried brussels sprouts. Standing in the middle of the clearing wearing a tux and looking quite sharp is DR. JEROME K. TRINDLE, BSC, PHD.]

Jerome: Wow! You look just like... just like I hoped... [Bending down on one knee] Alice Prudence Basset-Short, will you marry me?

[All around volcanoes burst into life, although they are far enough away not harm the party.]

Alice: Uh.. [To the party] Do you think he might be miffed if I say no?

;;; And there we will pause until January 7th, when we'll be back into GMT.

;;; Have a great Christmas everyone!


;;; Merry Christmas, or Happy Holidays, or whatever your respective

holidays are called, everyone.

;;; See you all in 2014!

Hi folks,

Here's a quick reminder of the last two acts:

9.5 The Duckinghamshire: The party escaped onto an airship only to be besieged by dozens of increasingly alarming tornadoes, which were clearly caused by Wilhelmina. However, through continuous intervention by Jerome, they managed to escape, but realised that each time Jerome intervened to protect them, he weakened the Realms and made the world more dangerous.

Wilhelmina tried one final attack, but each time she got close to the party she had to break off, eventually giving up. Once the dust settled, the party realised that Alice was now the spitting image of Clementine, and when Jerome appeared to warn them that Wilhelimina believed that she was The Abyss, which is mentioned in the Prophecy as the end of the world, he admitted that he was responsible for Alice's change.

9.6 They left the now crashed ship to investigate where they were and encountered Darius, who they questioned about the Abyss and the Mother. He confirmed that the Abyss was the end of the world, although was characteristically vague about whether or not Will was the Abyss, although reiterated the importance of finding the prophecy that they brought back from the past at the end of 6.4.

Further discussion was interrupted by an attack from demons, something which, apparantly was becoming increasingly more common in the Realms. The party were rescued from certain death by Dur's in-laws, who brought them back to Ludosity and broke the news that Dur was pregnant.

After a tearful goodbye, the in-laws sent the party to Nostalgia, where they believed Gertrude to be. Due to the difference in the way time moves in different dimensions, two months had past by the time they arrived, and they could see that Charlie was now pregnant too.

Gertrude was with Finley, who showed them the Reveals were increasing, and had now formed a new pattern in the Realms. He confirmed that the Realms were dangerously unstable, mainly because Jerome was unable to maintain balance. Now that the party were back and Will was likely to try and kill them, things were likely to get worse, as he would disrupt the balance further to protect them.

He told them that Helena (Charlie's mother) and Sven had gone to find the Prophecy, having heard that it was in Nostalgia. They left to find them, after having been warned by Gertrude that the Realms was now a very bleak place.

They found that the entire landscape has become a barren desert, only to see a path of grass appear (causing nearby earthquakes as it did). They followed it and it led to Jerome, who was waiting beside a huge feast to propose to Alice.

The next act will start shortly after this action, in just a few minutes!