[Book IX, Act V, Scene I. The Library Roof in Apraxia. ALICE, AUSTIN, CHARLIE, CLINT, DUR and JORDAN are here, gaping in amazement at what looks like a ship tied to a massive hot air balloon. Written on the side of the ship is "The Duckinghamshire".]

Alice: Is that what I think it is?


Austin : That depends upon what you think it is?


Austin : [Smirks] So you don't know what it is, do you!


Alice: What do YOU think it is?


Content-Type: text/plain; charset=ISO-8859-1

Charlie: [Delighted] It's a means of escape! Hurry, let us sneak aboard! [Disappointed] Though I should have liked to see a water-breathing dragon up close!



Alice: That's what I thought too, Charlie! Poor Aus doesn't know what it is, though!


Austin : You obviously don't know what I do and don't know. It is an air ship and a means by which we might escape! [Tries to get onboard]



Alice: Yeesh, I certainly know ONE thing about you, Aus!

[The ship is floating above the library, although it is tethered to it. A rope ladder hangs down, which AUSTIN climbs onto, followed by ALICE.]

Alice: [Looks back down at the others, as her flouncy skirt billows around in the wind] Oh no! The one day I wore my grey underpants!


Dur: [Averting his eyes as he steps onto the ladder] Is THAT what those are? I thought it was a backup parachute!


Content-Type: text/plain; charset=ISO-8859-1

Charlie: [Follows Dur up the ladder] Must we always comment on party members' choice of undergarments?! Really, it is a most unhealthy tendency!



Alice: Look! There's a hatch just up ahead! Maybe we can get in there?


Clint: Only one way to find out! [Goes up and takes a quick look at the hatch and, if it looks safe, tries to open it.]


Dur: [Peering down at Charlie, his cleric robes giving the same effect as Alice's dress] We wouldn't have to if you all followed my example and didn't= wear any!


[The party are on the ladder in the order of AUSTIN, ALICE, CHARLIE, DUR and CLINT, so CLINT can't quite get to the hatch yet. The progress up the ladder is quite slow, as it is swaying in the wind. Enter ROGER ABACOT, a uniformed soldier, peering over the edge of the ship.]

Roger: Hey! What do you think you're doing?


Clint: Requesting permission to come aboard? Isn't that how you types say that?


Content-Type: text/plain; charset=ISO-8859-1

Charlie: Indeed, we are here to help you with your [vaguely] ship needs!



Roger: Permission denied! Now get the hell off our [vaguely] ship thing!


Dur: Well, you, see, we would, but we have a strict policy of allowing our lawyer [points at Austin at the top of the ladder] to always go first for l= iability reasons and now he's on the ladder and can't get around the rest of us. If you would permit us to just step aboard we will gladly descend aga= in, in the proper order of course. Unless you WANT to be sued for negligence?


Content-Type: text/plain; charset=ISO-8859-1

Charlie: Oh, indeed! You don't want to run afoul the salty, watery fist of maritime law!



Austin : Under Airlaw Chapter 121, section 114, paragraph 19, amandment 2b, part 6, now that you have cast away we are legally guests on this airship, and have all of the rights given to us by the law. I suggest you let us in, lest you your pension and spend the next 10 years in prison for unregistered commercial use of an airship.


Alice: [Blows a raspberry at Roger] Hah! What say you now, pirate?

Roger: I say it's time we flew down too close to the roof of the barbed wire making factory.

[The ship turns and dips. The party cling on for dear life as they smash through the side of the factory, each getting many cuts, but somehow, still hanging on once they're through.]

Alice: Keep climbing Austin! God knows what they'll try next!


Content-Type: text/plain; charset=ISO-8859-1

Charlie: [Tries to continue up the ladder. To Roger] Oh, do be reasonable! We are quite a talented group and could be of great help to you in your travels!



Austin : [Keeps climbing] How ungentlemanly!


Roger: You're wanted by HARMA! We could be in trouble even just for talking to you!

[The party slowly make their way up, but the ship swerves again, this time sending them towards the pillow factory.]

Alice: Phew! For a minute there, I though they were going to take us through the sandpaper factory!


Roger: Cast away!

[The ship starts to move away, and the heat of the flames cause it to move even faster. It soon starts to drift off, with the party still trying to climb up the ladder. ]

Roger: Hey! Get off, right now!


Dur: Don't give them any ideas!


Alice: Oh please! If I wanted to give them ideas I'd tell them to head through the glue factory!

[As if on cue, the party are plunged first through the sandpaper factory, and, all still hanging on, although covered in cuts and bruises, then crash through the glue factory. By the time they come out the other side, they are almost at the hatch at the bottom of the ship, but all very worse for wear.]

;;; Out for 30 mins


Clint: Whatever happens, I hope they don't take us through the cotton ball factory!


Content-Type: text/plain; charset=ISO-8859-1

Charlie: [Excited] Oh, I see what you're doing! [In a loud, stilted voice] And I hope we do not go through a world-class library!



Alice: Oh God! Then we'd never get way from the books!

[They plunge through a cotton ball factory, which is unpleasant, and leaves all the party covered in cotton balls, but isn't entirely awful.]

Alice: Which part of the cotton do you think they get the ball from?

[The party finally reach the hatch.]

;;; Austin is closest, but just in case Dom's gone, any one can

;;; open it.


Content-Type: text/plain; charset=ISO-8859-1

Charlie: [Awkwardly strains to reach the hatch] Almost there, group!



[CHARLIE just catches it, but can't get it open.]

Alice: Maybe it's locked from the inside?

[There does seem to be a latch on the outside, but the party are swaying so much it's difficult for CHARLIE to get any purchase on it.]


Clint: Hurry up, Sarge! They might have a library inside this thing!


Alice: Her big man-hands can't get it open! We need someone with far more feminine and princessy fingers. Austin? Clint?


Clint: [Sternly.] I don't open doors with my hands. Point of principle! You know that, Bimbo!


Austin : You should ask someone to show you how to use a door handle someday, Mr Scar. [Tries to open the latch/hatch]


Clint: What would the fun in that be? I didn't train this foot for nothing!


Alice: Is that why it spends so much time in your mouth?

[AUSTIN flicks across the latch, and the hatch flies open. A torrent of the most disgusting sewage flies out and soaks the entire party, much to the irritating cheer of ROGER.]

Alice: Ew! Tastes like infection!


Clint: Well, shit.

;;; Only thing to say, really.


Austin : Shit.


Roger: Gah! They're still there! [Calls to someone out of sight] Fetch me my newspaper!

Alice: [Panicky] Quick! Climb into the hatch!


Content-Type: text/plain; charset=ISO-8859-1

Charlie: [Primly, wiping sewage from her face] Really, is this profanity helping matters?! Who knows what diseases we will catch from this dreadful muck?!


Austin : [Climbs in through the hatch] Could our day get any worse?


Content-Type: text/plain; charset=ISO-8859-1

Charlie: [Enters the hatch] Certainly not!



[The loud cocking of dozens of swords suggest otherwise. There are at least forty soldiers standing around pointing their swords at the party.]

Roger: [With a newspaper under his arm] Freeze!


Dur: Freeze what? Obviously SOMEONE forgot their manners, sheesh!

;;;meetings all morning ;_;


Roger: Oh, pardon me. Freeze, scumbags!


Clint: There, was that so hard? [Looks over his shoulder to see how high up the party is at this point.]


[The ship is up quite high right now, far too high to jump.]

Roger: [Drops his head slightly] I'm sorry. [Brightens up again, and speaks into a vacuum tube] Captain Alabio! We have them, we can head back to Apraxia now. [Back to the party, with a huge beaming smile] Yep, the captain is going to turn the ship around, and we'll deliver you to Colonel Nunpar. Any second now. [Time moves on] Yes. Right this second. [Smile flickers] Er, real soon now, I bet. [The ship is clearly still moving in a straight line] Why isn't it turning?


Clint: Did you freaks leave anyone to pilot this thing? [To the party, quietly.] Say, did you notice the machine in the corner? Smash it on general principle, do you think?


Alice: [Peers up at it] What the hell is it?

[Whatever it is, it is complex, and full of wires, coils and phials of liquid. There are cables running from it up out of the sewage pit. It looks completely out of place.]


Austin : [tries to swiftly glide over to the machine and carefully grasp a handful of wires] Stay back or the machine gets it!


Content-Type: text/plain; charset=ISO-8859-1

Charlie: Indeed, we are covered in sewage and have nothing left to lose!



Austin : You have destroyed my hair style, ruined my clothes and humiliated me in front of the prole! You shall answer for this!


Roger: What the hell is that thing? Did you bring it on board?


Clint: What, when we were busy climbing your ladder through a shower of crap?


Roger: Hey! HEY! HEY! That's not fair! Some of it was pee!

[There are a few murmurs from the crowd of soldiers, and some mutterings to ROGER.]

Roger: And a little bit of puke!

[More murmurings.]

Roger: And some blood!

[More murmurings.]

Roger: Of course! And a whole lot of... well, what's important is that it wasn't just crap.

Alice: No! What's important is that we didn't bring that thing on board! Hey look, I found some hair gel.


Austin : You may want to check that before using it [Looks at the machine to see if he can work out what it is or how to use it]


[Unfortunately, the machine is fiendishly complex looking. However, if various movies that the party have seen on VDV are anything to go by, this is almost certainly a bomb.]


Clint: Heeeeey, if you didn't put this bomb here, and we didn't bring it on board, it's probably HARMA trying to double cross you! I say we drop it on Nunpar's house!


Roger: I bet you're right! [Picks up the intercom] Captain, we need to ... [listens] but [listens] oh. Okay. [Puts the intercom down] The ship has been sabotaged! We can't turn it around!


Austin : Perhaps we can diffuse the bomb or throw it overboard [Examines the bomb for a timer]

;;;awa hame


Content-Type: text/plain; charset=ISO-8859-1

Charlie: [Joins Austin in examining the bomb] Good idea! Can we detach it before it blows up?



[There doesn't appear to be any timing mechanism, although there are clearly a bunch of wires leading to somewhere out of the tank. The ship starts to slow, and the party can see that some of the coloured liquid in the vials is starting to bubble.]

Alice: Why is it bubbling like that? Is it supposed to bubble like that? I don't think it's suppose to bubble like that? Do you guys think it's supposed to bubble like that?


Austin : It is probably preparing to explode. [Goes pale] It may be a good time to panic? [Looks panicky]


[The ship slows further, and the bubbling gets worse.]

Alice: Where are the lifeboats?

Roger: On deck, but they only work when we're in sea!


Content-Type: text/plain; charset=ISO-8859-1

Charlie: [Gasps] Let's try to cut one of those wires! [Tries to cut a wire with her sword]



Alice: [Stops Charlie] No! That just might blow it up! This isn't some sort of library book you're trying to disarm, this is a highly sensitive piece of equipment! Why, even just slowing the ship seems to agitate it.

[As the ship slows more, the bubbling is almost out of control.]


Content-Type: text/plain; charset=ISO-8859-1

Charlie: [Struck by inspiration] Alice, you're right! [To Roger] Hurry, speed up the ship! That keeps it from bubbling!



Roger: [Calls into the intercom] Speed up! Quickly!

[Everyone staggers slightly as the ship accelerates, and the bubbling stops.]

Alice: Hurrah! We're saved! We're going to live! It's all resolved once and for all. Hip hip, Hooray!


Content-Type: text/plain; charset=ISO-8859-1

Charlie: [Modestly] Thanks to MY cool head and quick thinking!


Alice: Well done, Charlie! Hooray for Charlie!

[All the soldiers cheer.]

Alice: [Thinks for a moment] Hey! [Confused] That was my idea, wasn't it?

Roger: Well done! That's fantastic! We're all going to live! Now, come with us so we can throw you overboard and kill you.


Clint: [A trifle woodenly.] Woah.


Austin : But is it bubbling any less? [Checks the machine. To Roger] Do you have parachutes?


Clint: And have you really thought this through? What if this thing starts up again? Do you freaks think you can figure out how to stop it?


Alice: Yes! It's stopped bubbling completely! It's like it's linked to the speed!

Roger: I think that throwing you off the ship might be a good start.


Content-Type: text/plain; charset=ISO-8859-1

Charlie: [Scoffs] Where then will you get your visionary problem-solving?!



Clint: And where will you get someone who can help you drop this thing on Nunpar's house without it blowing up in your faces?


Roger: Well, on one hand, you all make valid points, but on the other, if I don't throw you overboard, I can't then take credit for figuring out that the bomb would go off if we slowed down.


Austin : And on the other hand, you don't have a solution to your current predicament. However, perhaps we could find a solution, and then you could take the credit for that too?


Roger: Wait a minute! I have a great idea! Maybe you guys could come up with a solution to our current predicament, and then I could take credit for it?


Austin : [To Roger] You are much much smarter than you look!


Roger: [Proudly] I have my moments. Big moments.

Alice: [Whispers to Roger] It's movements.

Roger: Oh. I have my movements. Big movements.

[ALICE sniggers.]


Content-Type: text/plain; charset=ISO-8859-1

Charlie: Wonderful! Now, leave us in peace, so we can study this bomb!



Dur: Hopefully they leave us in peace and not in pieces!

;;; Sorry I was out unexpectedly yesterday. My AC went out and in Texas that constitutes a sick day to get it fixed!


Austin : We will not be able to come up with a cunning plan if we are in pieces. Some food and drink would also get the old grey matter working better.


Roger: [Laughs] Good one! Come on, let's throw them in the brig.

[The party are grabbed and manhandled up out of the tank.]

;;; End of scene, next one coming right up


[Book IX, Act V, Scene II. The Brig. ALICE, AUSTIN, CHARLIE, CLINT and DUR are here, having been pushed into a fairly small cell by a bunch of disgusted looking guards. Waiting here is a man with a breathing apparatus, ARTHUR ALABIO and a large TIGER. They are flat back against the far wall.]

Alice: Yikes! What the hell?

<A href=http://www.queens-view.com/wiki/index.php/Arthur_Alabio>Arthur Alabio</A>

<a href=http://www.queens-view.com/wiki/index.php/Tiger>The Tiger</A>


Austin : [Deadpan] Cats. I love cats. Good kitty. Nice kitty!


[Neither ARTHUR nor that tiger reacts in any way.]

Alice: [Flat back against the wall] Don't tease him Austin!


Content-Type: text/plain; charset=ISO-8859-1

Charlie: [Squeals with delight] Oooh, but he IS precious, isn't he?! [To the tiger, in a ridiculous sing-songy voice] Hello, Mr. Fluffykins! Aren't you the sweetest thing?!



[Still no answer and no move.]

Alice: Hey! Are they.... are they cardboard cutouts?

;;; They certainly seem to be!


Dur: [Stops shaking] Well, that certainly makes them a lot less dangerous, right?


Content-Type: text/plain; charset=ISO-8859-1

Charlie: And a lot more disappointing! What on earth are a bunch of salty seamen doing with cardboard stand-ups?!



Clint: [Clears his throat.] Nothing you want to know about, Sarge. Nothing you want to know about.


Alice: [Laughs] Look at us! All terrified of a bunch of cardboard cut outs! What a bunch of idiots!

[One of the cut outs falls over and lands on ALICE.]

Alice: Aiieee! Help! He's got me!


Dur: [Deadpan] Indeed.


Alice: [Gets up and dusts herself off] Ahem. Anyway, why on earth are we being guarded by a cardboard cut out?


Clint: Maybe they thought we wouldn't notice? They don't seem that bright, after all! [Looks for anything behind the cutouts.]


[Nothing. It's just the party and cutouts in the cell.]

Alice: Maybe they thought that we weren't bright?


Content-Type: text/plain; charset=ISO-8859-1

Charlie: [Insulted] How dare they?! I shall distribute the most recent version of my CV and copies of my five most distinguished publications--oh, how will I ever choose?!--at once!



Clint: Well, first we have to find a way to commandeer this ship and drop the bomb on someone, and before we can do that, we need to get out of this cell. [Checks the door for kickability.]


Austin : [Check the door for pickability if Clint fails] We should also keep the ship. We could go on a cruise to the Bamamas.


Alice: Good idea, Aus, but I also like Charlie's idea of punishing them horribly!

[The door is thick metal. Even CLINT's boot couldn't kick it open.]


Austin : [Fiddles with the lock, then opens the door. To Alice] After you [Holds the door open for Alice. To the others] You may thank me later, if we get out of this alive. [Ponders] No, on second thoughts, thank me now, in case we all die horribly.

;;; out from 11am for rest of day. Back Thursday, Away Friday, Mon, Tues.



Alice: Wow, Aus! You're super good! [Hugs him, leaving a disgusting piece of brown slime on him]


Content-Type: text/plain; charset=ISO-8859-1

Charlie: [Impressed] I didn't realize you really COULD do that! [Enters the door]



Dur: Do you pick a lot of locks as a lawyer?=20


Austin: [Flicks Alice's piece of slime off] Then perhaps you should pay more attention to what's going on around you.

[CHARLIE pushes the door open and reveals a long corridor, extending in both directions.]


Austin: None. However, I often pick locks as an adventurer saving the world.


Clint: [Looks down the corridor in both directions.] Eeny meeny...


Content-Type: text/plain; charset=ISO-8859-1

Charlie: [Boldly (and heedlessly!) strides to the right] Follow me, group!



Austin: [Points to the left] Mo. [Shrugs] Okay, we'll go your way, but when it leads us to doom, I think we'll all remember who advocated going to the left!

[The party head along the corridor, which has a large door at the end of it. One of the smaller, side doors opens, and a man, FRED ALLIER staggers out. He doesn't look well.]

Fred: Help! I don't know what to do!


Dur: Could you be more specific? It's hard to help when we don't know the actual problem.=20


Fred: I don't know whether to sneeze, barf or crap.


Content-Type: text/plain; charset=ISO-8859-1

Charlie: [Primly] Please do none of the above until we are past! Thank you!



Dur: OR you could all three at once and not have to choose at all! Problem solved!


Fred: Aaaa....aaaaa.....aaaaaa-CHOOOOO!

[The party are almost knocked down by the ferocity of the sneeze, and everyone is covered in some sort of disgusting phlegmy snot, which is only marginally less disgusting than what they're currently covered in.]

Fred: Sorry guys, but I couldn't help it. The good news is that half of you will probably survive. Oh. I pooped a little.


Clint: I never thought I'd say this, but can we make a detour for a shower?!


Content-Type: text/plain; charset=ISO-8859-1

Charlie: [Gingerly tries to clean her face with a wadded up piece of paper] Indeed, Mr. Scar! [To Fred] What on earth is wrong with you?! Didn't anyone teach you to cover your nose when you sneeze?!



Alice: [Gives Clint a dirty look] You've changed, man. Changed.

Fred: I was too busy covering my ass! Half the ship is sick! Since those flowers landed!


Clint: What flowers? You mean, you have an epic case of hayfever?!


Fred: They landed on the ship just after Roger figured out how to prevent the bomb from going off!

Alice: And what do you mean that half of us will survive?

Fred: I said half of you will PROBABLY survive.


Clint: [Straight faced.] Nah, we've got a great doctor!


Alice: Don't tell Dur about him!


Content-Type: text/plain; charset=ISO-8859-1

Charlie: Why not? It could be a wonderful opportunity to make a bit of copper. He could participate in experiments and such. [Dreamily] A REAL doctor in the group! Finally, a colleague I could talk to about serious matters!



Austin : Excellent. Just so long as the rest of us don't have to listen!


Alice: But anyway, back to the fact that only half of us will survive!

Fred: The fact that PROBABLY half of you will survive.


Dur: How long until we know which half that will be?


Content-Type: text/plain; charset=ISO-8859-1

[Enter JORDAN, covered from head to toe in raw sewage, coming in through a door further up the corridor.]

Jordan: Anyone care to explain what the hell is going on here? [Realises it's the party] Oh, hey guys. Wow, you're covered in this crap too?



Austin : [Dryly] Yes. Thank you for reminding us. We need to find a bathroom and a dry-cleaners immediately!


Fred: [Turns to look, and sneezes all over Jordan] Oh, sorry!

Alice: Jordie! I knew he'd arrive! [To the party] I took the precaution of tying his foot to the ladder when we escaped from that awful library!


Dur: [To Jordan] Welcome back. You're just in time to join us in potentially a horrible death.


Content-Type: text/plain; charset=ISO-8859-1

Jordan: [To Alice and Dur, appreciatively] Thanks Alice, I was wondering how I got there, and what horrible death do we face this time? [Then to Fred while wiping off phlegm] Aw come on man, really? Didn't your mother ever tell you to cover your mouth when you sneeze? Even Clint isn't that disgusting!



Content-Type: text/plain; charset=ISO-8859-1

Charlie: I shall surely survive. [To Dur] The Parker-Kensingtons are famous for their hardy constitutions!



Alice: [Proudly] Well, I've caught LOADS of viruses!

Fred: [To Charlie] Sure, sure. When the sneezing starts, you'll say differently. Yep. It starts instantly. [Checks his watch] Why aren't you sneezing?

Alice: Because it's a watch, they don't sneeze.


[FRED throws up on JORDAN.]

Alice: I don't know, Jordie, but it's instant.


Jordan: [Looks at the vomit all over him disgustingly, then starts throwing up uncontrollably, at whoever is in front of him at the time]


Content-Type: text/plain; charset=ISO-8859-1

Charlie: [Horrified, tries to dodge Jordan's vomit] Oh, WHERE is that doctor we talked about adding to the group when you need him?!


[Fortunately, FRED is between the party and JORDAN.]

Alice: Ew! This is like Phillimas all over again!


Clint: Hell, the uncontrollable vomiting sounds like a typical Tuesday! But, what does any of this have to do with the new flowers on board?!


Dur: Maybe the flowers are the source of the disease? [To Fred] Is there a cure for this?


Jordan: [Settling down from the spewing] What flowers?


Fred: The flowers that blew onto the ship just after you guys were caught trying to set off a bomb! Surely you saw them?

Alice: From inside our windowless cell where I was mauled by a tiger?


Clint: [Patiently.] The ones this freak here blames his vomity sneezy sharty goodness on!


Austin : [Terrified] Oh no! [Sneezes] I'm going to die! Save me!


TGFzdCBmcm9tIERvbSAjNTINCg0KPkF1c3RpbiA6IFtUZXJyaWZpZWRdIE9oIG5vISBbU25lZXpl c10gSSdtIGdvaW5nIHRvIGRpZSEgU2F2ZSBtZSENCg0KRHVyOiBbTG9va2luZyBjb25jZXJuZWRd IFdlbGwuLi4uIEkgbWlnaHQgYmUgYWJsZSB0byBkbyBzb21ldGhpbmcgZm9yIG9uZSBvZiB1cy4u Li4gdGhlIHF1ZXN0aW9uIGlzLi4uLiB3aG8gZG8gd2Ugc2F2ZT8NCg


Clint: I say we quarantine the lawyer and the poet in with this freak while the rest of us get away before it's too late!


Alice: Me! Me! Me! Because I'm the cutest and I said it first! [Thinks] Or maybe Jordie, because his poems are so nice and he makes people happy. [Thinks] Or maybe Charlie, because she's ever so clever. [Thinks] Or perhaps Austin, because he has such a nice taste in suits. [Thinks] Or maybe Clint, because he such a hero and all. [Thinks] Hm. What was the question again?


Jordan: [To Clint] Why me? I only vomited because I was covered in his. It grosses me out to the point I throw up myself everytime!


Content-Type: text/plain; charset=ISO-8859-1

Charlie: [Nods] It was nauseating, I quite agree! And if Jordan is ill, likely we are all ill, anyway. We had better clean up and investigate these deadly flowers!


Clint: It's just hayfever, I tell you! [To Fred.] Right. Where can we find a bath and some clothes to steal?


Austin : [To Alice, indignantly, affronted] Is that all you think I am worth? A nice suit? [Looks hurt]

;;;awa hame


Alice: Sorry, I forgot to mention that you're also a joy to be around. [To Fred] I thought we were supposed to get sick instantly?

Fred: That's right!

Alice: Did anyone else not get sick instantly?

Fred: Only those who got sick sooner!


Clint: Well, if you're already sick, it won't hurt you any to show us where these flowers are! After we clean up, anyway.


Fred: They're everywhere! It's like we're caught in a Flowernado!


Austin : We're all going to die! [Clearly suffering from some horrific illness, faints conveniently into Alice's arms (hoping she will catch him)] Save me!

;;;; away today, back on Wednesday


Jordan: Well then, it sounds like there is devilry afoot, and since Charlie is our resident demonology expert, I say she should go check these flowers out and find out what in the realms is going on.


Alice: I've got you, Aus! [Makes a half-hearted effort to catch him, but he simply falls through her arms and onto the floor]

Fred: What I don't understand is why only he got sick. The rest of you should already be sick [points to Jordan] Even him! [Pause] I have one of the flowers in my bunk.


Content-Type: text/plain; charset=ISO-8859-1

Charlie: [Super excited] Oh, take us there at once!



Fred: Oh, looking for a little group lovin', eh? [Tries to look sauve and does a finger gun at the party] Click-click! [Sneezes all over them again]

Alice: What about Austin?


Content-Type: text/plain; charset=ISO-8859-1

Charlie: [Dismissively] He's faking it! [Wisely] Trust me, a mother knows these things.



Alice: Uh, okay. [To Fred] Let's see this flower, and no more sneezing on us!

Fred: How about puking?

Alice: No!

Fred: Farting?

Alice: No!

Fred: Dying?

Alice: What?

[FRED falls on the ground.]


Jordan: Well then. Maybe he has something on him that says which room is his so we can inspect this flower in his bunk. [Waits to see if anyone moves to the body, then does so himself if noone else does.]


TGFzdCBmcm9tIENvbm9yICM2OQ0KDQo+Sm9yZGFuOiBXZWxsIHRoZW4uIE1heWJlIGhlIGhhcyBz b21ldGhpbmcgb24gaGltIHRoYXQgc2F5cyB3aGljaCByb29tIGlzIGhpcyBzbyB3ZSBjYW4gaW5z cGVjdCB0aGlzIGZsb3dlciBpbiBoaXMgYnVuay4gW1dhaXRzIHRvIHNlZSBpZiBhbnlvbmUgbW92 ZXMgdG8gdGhlIGJvZHksIHRoZW4gZG9lcyBzbyBoaW1zZWxmIA0KPmlmIG5vb25lIGVsc2UgZG9l cy5dDQoNCkR1cjogW1N0b21hY2ggZ3Jvd2xpbmddIERvIHlvdSB0aGluayB0aGUgZGlzZWFzZSBp cyB0cmFuc21pdHRhYmxlIHZpYSBpbmdlc3Rpb24/IFtUcmllcyB0byBleGFtaW5lIEF1c3RpbiBh bmQgdGhlbiB0cmllcyB0byBjYXN0IFJFTU9WRSBESVNFQVNFIG9uIEF1c3Rpbl0NCg


Alice: [Points to a door] It's this one, Jordie, he came out of it just before you got here.

[DUR casts his spell on the apparently comatose AUSTIN, who soon sits up, looking frail.]

Austin: Your spells will not work. Not while my suit is so soiled. [Faints away again]


Dur: Damnit Austin, I'm a doctor not a dry cleaner!


Austin: [A faraway look appears in his eyes] Alas, [coughs weakly] this suit is gone beyond mere dry cleaning. Yes, a thorough clean might be good enough for an Alice or Charlie, and certainly for a Clint or Jordan, but not me. [Coughs again]

Alice: Oh my God. Is this all about a suit?

Austin: This is not a mere suit.This suit was lovingly handmade by an artisan toiling in a hilltop village above Nostalgia. The man is a hero there. It's an event when he completes a pair of shoes. They ring the cathedral bell and the whole town celebrates.


Content-Type: text/plain; charset=ISO-8859-1

Charlie: [Nods] Just what I said! Faking! [Tries to enter Fred's room] Now, let us find this flower!



Jordan: Ah, it was your dear ol' pappi wasn't it Austin? Why don't you get up and make yourself useful [starts to laugh] by taking legal action against this corpse for spoiling your suit. [Follows Charlie in to Freds room]


Austin: Barbarians!

[The party enter FRED's room, and see that there is a flower in a pot near the bed.]

Alice: Uh, is it just me or does that flower look kind of angry?


Jordan: Could be worse, could look hungry, and be demanding meat, and named after Austin's woman.


Austin: You mean, be called Jordan?

[The flower sneezes, covering the party in thick pollen. However, it doesn't appear to have any immediate effect.]


Dur: Do you think it can talk?

;;; I finally made my first edit to Dur on the QV wiki!


Content-Type: text/plain; charset=ISO-8859-1

Charlie: [Regards the flower curiously] Well, it does have a mouth. [To the flower] Hello there! Why are you so angry?

;;; Coooool!



[The flower sneezes again, covering CHARLIE in more pollen.]

;;; Whoohoo!


Content-Type: text/plain; charset=ISO-8859-1

Charlie: [Irritatedly attempts to clear the pollen from her eyes] I see. [Abruptly tries to pluck the flower]



Jordan: What is it with everyone sneezing on us? [To Austin] Your woman is called Jordan?

;;; I still need to do that for Jordan


Austin: [Gives Jordan a withering look that's a mixture of contempt and pity] Sigh.

[CHARLIE grabs the flower, which is actually just sitting in the pot.]

Alice: How many more of these things are there? Didn't he say that there was a Flowernado?


Dur: [Nervously] Are you sure you should be touching that thing? [Just to be safe, Dur tries to cast DETECT MAGIC on the seemingly living flower] =20


[The flower glows brightly.]

Alice: Does that mean it's not magical?


Clint: I know I'm not touching it! Might burn it alive, though!


Jordan: I could always serenade it to death


Alice: No, Jordan! That would be too nice for it!

[The flower sneezes all over ALICE]

Alice: Ow! Hey! [Punches it in the face.]


Clint: [Gleefully starts trying to tear the flower in half.] Haw!


Dur: I'm not sure whether to be more afraid of the disease ridden flower orthe psychopaths intent on abusing it!


[CLINT rips the flower to pieces. It is well and truly dead.]

Alice: Hey! The flower is the one who spewed his poison all over us! [Looks around] I wonder why none of us got sick?


Jordan: Think of it this way Doc, if they are abusing the flower then they aren't abusing you. Actually that's a very good point Alice. I'm shocked Charlie didn't think of that herself.


TGFzdCBmcm9tIERyZXcgIzkwDQoNCj5Kb3JkYW46IFRoaW5rIG9mIGl0IHRoaXMgd2F5IERvYywg aWYgdGhleSBhcmUgYWJ1c2luZyB0aGUgZmxvd2VyIHRoZW4gdGhleSBhcmVuJ3QgYWJ1c2luZyB5 b3UuICBBY3R1YWxseSB0aGF0J3MgYSB2ZXJ5IGdvb2QgcG9pbnQgQWxpY2UuIEknbSBzaG9ja2Vk IENoYXJsaWUgZGlkbid0IHRoaW5rIG9mIHRoYXQgaGVyc2VsZi4NCg0KRHVyOiBPYnZpb3VzbHkg aXQncyBiZWNhdXNlIHlvdXIgcmVzaWRlbnQgcGh5c2ljaWFuIGtlZXBzIHlvdSBhbGwgaW4gcGVh ayBoZWFsdGggYW5kIHRodXMgbWFraW5nIHlvdSBuYXR1cmFsbHkgcmVzaXN0YW50IHRvIHRoZXNl IHR5cGVzIG9mIHNpdHVhdGlvbnMuIFtCZWFtcyBwcm91ZGx5IGF0IGhpcyBzZWxmIGNvbXBsaW1l bnQuXSANCg


Jordan: And the scary thing is, that actually makes sense.


Clint: One down, a whole bunch of others to go! [Shrugs.] Anyway, maybe we should look for someone around here who might have been in charge? And don't forget about the bomb! How long can this crate keep going fast enough when the crew are dropping like flies?


Content-Type: text/plain; charset=ISO-8859-1

Charlie: [Deeply concerned] That is surprisingly astute analysis, Mr. Scar! But, no need to worry, I am in charge now! Now, do any of YOU know how to [vaguely] uh, drive a ship?



Alice: I've been sailing with Daddy loads of times, I bet it's almost the same. Now, what was it that he always said? "Stop crying and hoist the mainsail before I throw you overboard"! Ah, happy memories!


Jordan: I meant to ask before, what bomb?


Alice: There's a bomb on the boat! If we drop below [mumble mumble] miles an hour, it'll blow! One of the soldiers figured it out, he was ever so clever, we could all have died. [Thinks] Although, depending on how dangerous these flowers are, we might also die!


Clint: Sounds to me like the best idea is to get off this thing as soon as we can! I say we look for parachutes.


Content-Type: text/plain; charset=ISO-8859-1

Charlie: I see your point, but what if the ship crashes into a city? It could not only kill many people, it could unleash a horrible disease into the realms, as well.



the realms, as well.

Dur: If you want to make an omelet, you have to crack a few eggs!


Alice: In your case, Dur, if you want to make a ham sandwich, you have to crack all the eggs, then poison a bunch of people, then punch a newborn baby in the back of the neck, then eat a few left over limbs, and you know what you get? A pork sandwich. Pork, Dur. I don't care that they both come from a cow, they taste different!


Jordan: Can we stop talking about food? It's making me hungry, but this smell is making me feel sick.

;;; Out for the rest of the day


Alice: See, Dur? See what you've done? Made yet another person sick!


Dur: Bah! It's nothing a bit of corrective surgery won't fix! I need a rusty saw and a bucket of stagnant water, stat!


Alice: [Looks around] How about a filthy blanket and a picture of someone wearing some awful grey unde- hey! That's me! [Composes herself] Er, I mean, [pockets something] let's get out of here.


, [pockets something] let's get >out of here.

Dur: I couldn't agree more! How do we do that?


Content-Type: text/plain; charset=ISO-8859-1

Charlie: Through pluck, determination, and excellent leadership, of course!



Clint: And, more importantly, with the help of some parachutes, once we find them.


Alice: Actually, I was hoping we could do it with sheer dumb luck!

Jordan: Should we go up on deck?


Dur: Well then! Will someone start leading then!


Austin: [Bravely] I shall lead! Clearly, the bulky members should go first. Clint, you, Jordan and Alice take the front. The rest of us will follow a close distance behind.


Content-Type: text/plain; charset=ISO-8859-1

Charlie: [Jostles to the front excitedly] No, I shall lead us! Follow me, group! [Heads for the deck]



Dur: Errr. great. I feel better already. [Sighs then follows] =20


Clint: Don't worry, Doc, she'll just be first to run into the killer plants. [Follows Charlie.]


Dur: [Obviously relieved] Hey! You're right Clint! Now I really DO feel better!


Alice: I know! It would be just awful if Clint, our strongest fighter, actually went in somewhere first!

[Exit all through the big door at the end of the corridor.]


[Book IX, Act V, Scene III. The Deck of the Duckinghamshire. ALICE, AUSTIN, CHARLIE, CLINT, DUR and JORDAN are here, with CHARLIE having just opened the door. The ship is indeed a normal sized ship with a massive balloon on it, and there is a veritable flowernado, with thousands of them flying around the ship, sneezing up their venomous pollen on anyone unfortunate enough to be caught by them. All the visible crew are either dead or very, very sick.]

Alice: Er, now, did we ever properly establish that we are actually immune?


Content-Type: text/plain; charset=ISO-8859-1

Charlie: [Confidently] Certainly! [Hesitates] Well, Mr. Sleaze might not be, but more than likely he is just a bit of a baby. [To Austin, brightly] No offense!



opened the door. The ship is >indeed a normal sized ship with a massive balloon on it, and there is a veritable flowernado, with thousands of them fly= ing around the ship, sneezing up their venomous pollen on >anyone unfortunate enough to be caught by them. All the visible crew are either dead or ver=

Dur: [Surveying the scene] Nope!


Clint: No, but that's what we've got the doc for. C'mon, let's see if we can't jury rig a flamethrower or something!


Austin: None taken. Beauty such as mine often comes at the cost of a less than hardy constitution. It is possibly why the Parker Kensingtons have such hardy ones.

[A passing flower bursts pollen all over the party, but no one has any obvious reactions.]

Alice: [Wiping her face] Yeesh! Between the raw sewage that first covered us, and now this pollen, I'm almost as stinky as Stinky!


Clint: Well, we don't seem to be dying from all this pollen. I say we go for it! [Looks around for the helm so the party can steer the ship away from crashlanding in someone's front porch.]


Alice: Good idea! [Gets slapped in the face with a flower] Ow! These things really hurt! [Points to the bridge of the ship, which is enclosed in glass, that's slowly starting to crack] Maybe it's in there?


Content-Type: text/plain; charset=ISO-8859-1

Charlie: Let's go see! [Heads for the bridge, wildly swatting away flowers]



Clint: [Follows, trying to keep flowers off the party as a whole.]


[The party make their way across the deck, but it is slow going, and virtually impossible to see, with all the flowers and thick clouds of pollen.]

Alice: [Shouting to be heard above the noise of the wind] What's a natural predator for flowers? Is there something that we can use to kill all this pollen?


Clint: [Shouting back.] I think so, but how are we going to get a herd of deer up here?


Jordan: I have no idea stinky, but I think I worked out why we are all immune. I think the sewage we are all covered in has somehow acted as a barrier to stop the pollen from getting us, or there is something in the sewage that neutralizes the effects of the pollen. That's the only real difference between us and the crew. Well that and we are anti-HARMA while the crew are on HARMA's side.


Alice: Great! You mean that the flowers are on our side? Cool! Hi, flowers! We're the Queens View party, it's ever so nice to make your acquaintance.

[Smack. ALICE gets slapped in the face by a particularly vicious blow from a flower that is blown into her.]

Alice: [Wiping some blood from her nose] I don't think it's the HARMA thing, Jordie!


Jordan: [Pulls out a hanky from his pocket and wipes the blood off Alice's nose] Guess it was the sewage then.


Alice: Thanks, Jordie, but we still need to stop these flowers, as if the crew is killed, we'll never get this thing landed!


Jordan: Well we could always blast them with a flame spell or a flamethrower, even both? Just burn them.

;;; That's my 3


Content-Type: text/plain; charset=ISO-8859-1

Charlie: Indeed, I hardly think flowers will put up much of a fight! [Muses] If only we had a lawn-mower. And servants to run it.



Alice: Or a whole bunch of bees, to grab all the pollen!


Dur: [Sarcastically] Oh great! An di Just happened to leave my beehive in my other Tunic! How about options that we can successfully pull off while pl= ummeting to our deaths?


Alice: Dur! Why on earth didn't you bring the hive with you? You know I love honey!

Austin: [Points to the sky] What's that?

[Rather strangely, a massive cloud is moving towards the ship and an alarming rate. Meanwhile, the party are making slow but steady pace towards the bridge.]


Content-Type: text/plain; charset=ISO-8859-1

Charlie: [Squints at the cloud] Oh, dear! Not rain, I hope? That isn't good for the lawn-mower!



Jordan: Weapons ready chaps, let us use our swords as lawn mowers! [Draws his sword and gets ready to start slashing at the flowers]


Alice: [Joins in with the slashing] Good idea! It'll help us get there!

[It's a little help, but the flowernado is flipping them around so fast, it's difficult to get them. Incredibly, the cloud that is approaching appears to be a massive swarm of bees, probably numbering in the millions.]

Alice: Hurrah! Someone's sent in the cavalbee!


Content-Type: text/plain; charset=ISO-8859-1

Charlie: [Excited] Oh, how thrilling! [Calls to the bees] Over here!


Dur: [Nervously] Is anyone else suddenly concerned that the bees might not have the intelligence to distinguish between the flowers and us? Perhaps we= should get inside at once?!


Alice: Yes, we should [stagily] beak [normal] careful! [Roars with laughter, but then stops and looks confused] Oh, I mean, bee careful!

[The bees zoom towards the ship, and engulf the flowers, helping the party make better progress towards the bridge.]

Alice: [Suddenly smacks Dur with a rolled up newspaper] Oops! Sorry, Dur, I thought you were a bee!

;;; Out for 40 mins!


Content-Type: text/plain; charset=ISO-8859-1

Charlie: How marvelous! [Worriedly] Though I do hope they do not attempt to sting us. Perhaps we'd better move quickly!


Clint: Brilliant ideas like that are why we pay you the big bucks, Sarge! [Pushes forward as quickly as possible.]


[The party eventually get to the door of the bridge, where they can see ROGER ABACOT, along with several other soldiers. The door is locked.]

Alice: For God's sake! Let us in!

Roger: How do we know you're not carrying the disease?


Dur: Because we're not sneezing, farting, or vomiting! [Farts] Oops! That was just a regular fart! I swear!


[The door is opened, and the party pile in, all landing in a heap on the floor. Standing above them with a disapproving look is CAPTAIN CLARENCE ANCONA.]

Clarence: Welcome to the Bridge.

Roger: What's going on out there? Where did all those bees come from?


Content-Type: text/plain; charset=ISO-8859-1

Charlie: Likely they were attracted by those deadly flowers! When did this [finger quotes] flower shower strike?



Clarence: Shortly after you were imprisoned. At first the flower shower was gentle, and there were very few of them. A very light shower, and the flowers were a beautiful gold colour.

Alice: Like a golden shower?

Clarence: Sure would, but not in front of the crew. [Pause] Then the flower shower became a flowernado, and the crew became sick. Now we are on a ship that we can't slow down, and more than half the crew are dead.


Jordan: Because if you slow down then the bomb will go off, right? So why don't you get someone to deal with the bomb so that you can slow down?


Clarence: Because no one left alive knows how to defuse the bomb.

Alice: Oh please. How hard can it be?

Clarence: There's a 99% chance that touching it will cause it to explode.

Alice: So the plan is to keep sailing at this speed forever?

Clarence: I've yet to hear a better solution. And in case you didn't notice, we are under attack by a bunch of vicious sharks.


Clint: This is just not your day, is it? Maybe after the bees get rid of the flowers, the sharks can get rid of the bees, and the bomb can get rid of the sharks?


Austin : Oh, of course, the sharks. [Looks around] What sharks?


Clarence: Okay, there are no sharks, but you know, that kind of proves my point.

Alice: What point?

Clarence: Look! Just be glad that there are no sharks!


Dur: Well, is it possible that we can saw a hole in the ship where the bombis located without trying to diffuse it? Maybe we can just dump it over bo= ard and only have the Bees and Flowers to deal with...


Roger: I already thought of that. The bomb is wired directly into the ship. Almost half of it would have to be removed.

Alice: [Looks out] You know, the flowers are almost completely gone! The bees have saved us! Let's let them in so we can thank them!


Content-Type: text/plain; charset=ISO-8859-1

Charlie: [Firmly] Indeed NOT. Hard work is it's own reward! [To Roger] Could we evacuate the crew and sink the ship?


Roger: Evacuate them to where, genius?


Austin : What about parachutes, or life rafts, surely a vessel this size has some form of emergency escape plan?


Clarence: That's right! We have parachutes AND life rafts! Hurrah! We will all be saved!

Roger: Unfortunately not, [glares at Austin] genius. [To Clarence] We sold all the life rafts to buy tickets for the Admiral's Ball.


Clint: Say, how many crew do we really have to worry about, anyway? Between the bees and the flowers, who all is left?


Content-Type: text/plain; charset=ISO-8859-1

Charlie: [Shakes her head emphatically] No, I don't believe he understands what is meant by the word [finger quotes] genius. [To Roger, skeptically] Unless you have access to our IQ test results?



Roger: Don't need them. I know that they're all lower than mine.

Clarence: There is rope, but probably only enough for one person at a time to climb down. Although, the bees to seem to have sorted out the Flowernado.

[The window suddenly cracks, as a swathe of bees hammers into it.]

Alice: Er, those bees seem to be getting more and more plentiful, don't they? It's almost like a beenado!


Austin : Most kind of you to publicly recognise my brilliance, but this is really not an appropriate time. Perhaps we can tie ourselves onto the ropes that connect the ship to the balloon, and then detach the ship, from the ropes? [Looks smug]


Clint: I've got it! Steer for the nearest windnado! It'll get rid of the bees and then we'll be set!


Roger: Can't do that, genius! The steering is shot! Someone sabotaged it!


Clint: Well then, you better get to fixing it!


Roger: Out there? But it's a veritable beenado! Don't you have something that'll kill bees?


Jordan: I'm afraid not, but I'm cure Clint's aroma will repel them easily enough.


Austin : Repel them! It's more likely to melt them [Looks in disgust at Clint]


Alice: If only that was true guys. [Looks at sewage-covered Clint in disgust] Why can't you smell worse?


Dur: Fire kills bees! Maybe we could set the ship on fire!


Content-Type: text/plain; charset=ISO-8859-1

Charlie: Perhaps some bee spray? The beenado will distribute it in record time!



Jordan: For that matter we might as well stop the ship and let the bomb explode.


Roger: Great idea, genius!

Alice: Hey! If there were some Shalloween decorations left, we might be able to use fake spider webs to catch them. [To Clarence] Do you have any left?

Clarence: Just the costumes.


Clint: Are any of those bee-keeper costumes, by any chance?


Content-Type: text/plain; charset=ISO-8859-1

Charlie: Oh, have you any honey?!


Clarence: No, they were all fairy princess costumes.

Alice: [Points out the window] Look! Some of the bees are being caught in spider webs! [To the party] Now, this is kind of weird, right?


Clint: Hell, it was kind of weird when the bees showed up!


Austin : Weird as in if we think up something it comes true? [Smiles] It would be really handy if there were several en-suite bathrooms, with dry cleaning facilities, or tailors on hand, adjacent to this room! [Looks around hopefully] Perhaps just a designersuitnado? Or a mobile-shower-unit-nado?

;;;awa hame


[Much to everyone's surprise, there is no mobile-shower-unit-nado.]

Alice: Aw! What a gyp! At least the spiders are slowing down the bees. Maybe we can get out of here and do... something!


Content-Type: text/plain; charset=ISO-8859-1

Charlie: Could we steer close to a body of water and make a jump for it?



Roger: No, genius! Remember, the steering is sabotaged!

Alice: How about we try and fix that? Being out in the beenado getting all tangled up in spider webs is probably better than being in here with this guy. He is totes ob, after all. [To Roger] Offence intended.

Roger: None taken.


Clint: Good point, Bimbo. [To Roger, wearily.] You don't have any bug spray, right?


Roger: Of course we do, genius! What sort of fools do you think we are?

Alice: The sort of fools who sold all their escape routes to buy raffle tickets for some guy's testicle.

Roger: Hey, in our defence, that was the best tasting testicle we had that week!


Jordan: [To Austin discreetly] Sorry Austin but I think it only works when Alice thinks of something. The beenado was her idea too after all, right? [Loudly to Alice] Hey Alice, wouldn't it be brilliant if the steering was miraculously fixed so the ship was working again?


Alice: Don't be ridic, Jordie! For that to happen the snake that's jamming rack and pinion steering mechanisms, where the steering wheel turns the pinion gear would have to be removed. You see, the pinion moves the rack, which is a linear gear that meshes with the pinion, converting circular motion into linear motion along the transverse axis of the ship (side to side motion). This motion applies steering torque to the swivel pin ball joints that replaced previously used kingpins of the stub axle of the steered wheels via tie rods and a short lever arm called the steering arm. In a ship like this, the rack and pinion would be stored in the forward bulkhead, in the second lowest level. [Looks confused] Huh?


Austin : So it is simple, we just need to get the snake out of the steering rack. Jordan, that sounds like your area of expertise. Please hurry.


Alice: Yes, now that the spiders have killed all the bees, we should be able to get down there. Although, you know, there are an AWFUL lot of spiders now!


Content-Type: text/plain; charset=ISO-8859-1

Charlie: [Wistfully] Oh, if only I had my cats! The simply LOVE pouncing on spiders.



Alice: Oh, please! Where are we going to get enough cats to sort these spiders out? That would never happen!

[Splat. A cat hits the window, and almost immediately devours a spider.]

Alice: Hm.


Dur: Hmmmm. I wonder if these are feral felines or domesticated?


Content-Type: text/plain; charset=ISO-8859-1

Charlie: Oh, isn't he the cutest thing?! Hurry, let's make sure he's all right!



Alice: Let's see. [Pushes the door open a tiny pit and reaches out to pet one.]

[The cat inflicts a savage scratch on her arm, causing blood to spurt out.]

Alice: [Shuts the door] Domesticated.


Austin : We might better wonder if Alice could imagine the bomb defusing itself and activating it's fail-safe state.


Alice: True, or maybe who is responsible for making these things happen? And why so many of them are dangerous? [Thinks hard] There. I thought hard about the bomb. How do we know if it worked?


Content-Type: text/plain; charset=ISO-8859-1

Charlie: [To Alice] We must inspect the bomb, of course! [Dramatically] To the bomb, group!



Roger: I've a better idea, you should inspect the bomb! [Looks at Clarence smugly]

[Exit the party.]

;;; end of scene, next one coming right up


[Book IX, Act V, Scene IV. The Deck of the Duckinghamshire. ALICE, AUSTIN, CHARLIE, CLINT, DUR and JORDAN are here, struggling to walk in the ferociously strong wind, being hit by the occasional cat, spider and even the odd flower.]

Alice: This weather is vicious! What the hell is going on here?


Clint: It's raining cats and cats! [Discretely kicks a cat when he thinks no one is looking.] Let's get back inside as soon as we can! [Pushes on.]


Jordan: Yes, lets. I've got a snake to rescue after all. Hope the poor bugger isn't overly hurt, I love snakes.

;;; Sorry, internet has been down all day again


Alice: I think things are going to be okay, guys! The cats are getting control of the spiders. As long as nothing happens to them, we should be fine. Er, what are cats afraid of?


Clint: Water. But I say we use a can opener to lure them somewhere that we can drop them over the side or something!


Content-Type: text/plain; charset=ISO-8859-1

Charlie: We will do no such thing! We shall rescue them and deliver them to Bodenringham Manor. [Delighted] We always have room for more cats!



Alice: Why would we want to kill them, Stinky? They saved us!

[Enter MARCELLUS MARCEAURUS, an even more irritating looking than normal mime.]

Marcellus: They are afraid of mimes.

<P><a href=http://www.queens-view.com/wiki/index.php/Marcellus_Marceaurus>Marcellus Marceaurus</A>


Jordan: Yes, well as long as they are domestic cats and not hostile towards us there is nothing to worry about. [Excitedly] To the snake!


Dur: [Shrieks girlishly before trying to gain his own composure and says shakily] What a silly thing to be afraid of!


Marcellus: Oh, you better be afraid. [Mimes throwing a punch at Dur, but doesn't hit him]


Dur: [Grabbing on to Alice in panic] Get it away from me!!!!


Alice: Oh, please. [Marcellus mimes a karate chop on her] These guys are idiots. They can't harm us in any way.

[Another mime, exactly the same as MARCELLUS is blown onto the deck and smashes into the party, knocking everyone to the ground.]


Jordan: [To the mime while trying to pick himself back up] That wasn't miming you bumbling buffoon! You're fired!


Marcelluses: [Both in unison] Oh, you better be afraid.

[Another mime flies through the air and hammers onto the deck, before sliding along and knocking JORDAN back down. It doesn't hurt him, but is still very annoying]


Clint: [Pushes Marcellus away from Dur.] What the hell are you people doing here, anyway?


TGFzdCBmcm9tIFRvbSBhbmQgQ29ub3IgIzEzDQoNCj5NYXJjZWxsdXNlczogW0JvdGggaW4gdW5p c29uXSBPaCwgeW91IGJldHRlciBiZSBhZnJhaWQuDQo+DQo+ICAgICAgIFtBbm90aGVyIG1pbWUg ZmxpZXMgdGhyb3VnaCB0aGUgYWlyIGFuZCBoYW1tZXJzIG9udG8gdGhlIGRlY2ssIGJlZm9yZSBz bGlkaW5nIGFsb25nIGFuZCBrbm9ja2luZyBKT1JEQU4gYmFjayBkb3duLiBJdCBkb2Vzbid0IGh1 cnQgaGltLCBidXQgaXMgc3RpbGwgdmVyeSBhbm5veWluZ10NCj4NCj5DbGludDogW1B1c2hlcyBN YXJjZWxsdXMgYXdheSBmcm9tIER1ci5dIFdoYXQgdGhlIGhlbGwgYXJlIHlvdSBwZW9wbGUgZG9p bmcgaGVyZSwgYW55d2F5Pw0KDQpEdXI6IFtHdXNoZXMgb3ZlciBDbGludF0gTXkgaGVybyEgQW5k IHdoYXQgdGhlIGhlY2s/IEkgdGhvdWdodCBNaW1lcyBkaWRuJ3Qgc3BlYWs/DQoNCg0K


Marcelluses: [All three] Oh, you better be afraid.

Alice: Look! There hundreds of them! It's a veritable mimenado! And they're scaring all the cats!


Dur: [Practically screaming] IT'S THE STUFF NIGHTNMARES ARE MADE OF!!!!!!!!!!


Clint: Say, you guys wouldn't want to be the replacement crew on an airship, would you? Travel to exotic locations! Meet exotic... uh... [looks the mimes over and hedges his bets] people. That sort of thing.


Marcelluses: Oh, you better be afraid.

[More and more MARCELLUSES rain onto the deck.]


Austin : [To Alice] So what are Mimes afraid of?


Jordan: Shell Flamsey, hardcore commando from interior space. He's never heard of a mime so he thinks when they are miming an invisible wall, they are in fact really trapped and punches them in the face in an attempt to break them out. As far as he is concerned it works everytime.


Alice: Sure, but there's just one Shell Flamsey, and there are now hundreds of these guys! It's like being at a really bad play!


Content-Type: text/plain; charset=ISO-8859-1

Charlie: Perhaps flamethrowers?


Content-Type: text/plain; charset="us-ascii" Content-Transfer-Encoding: quoted-printable

;;; fyi, out to a conference today and tomorrow!

Alice: Sure, but there's just one Shell Flamsey, and there are now hundreds of these guys! It's like being at a really bad play!

Charlie: Perhaps flamethrowers?



Alice: [Closes her eyes] I wish we had flamethrowers so that we could hit these guys.

[Splat. ALICE gets hit in the face with a tomato.]

;;; Dom is out today

Austin: Not quite a flamethrower, but [delicately picks up another rotten tomato that has landed on deck] quite possibly effective and fun to use against performers such as these. [Deftly throws a tomato one of the mimes, hitting in him the face.]

[The mime reacts as though hit by a shotgun, and flings himself back on deck, apparently dead.]


Jordan: Me too! [Joins in]

;;; Post #23 never came through for me


Jordan: Okay then [to Alice] start wishing for flamethrowers toots.


[Two mimes go down, as though they've been blasted with bombs.]

;;; Heather's out today

Charlie: [Grabs a tomato and fires it at a mime, sending him flying overboard] It is rather fun!

;;; Feel free to post your own amusing mime/tomato death!

;;; Weird! You were definitely on the list!


Clint: [Pelts a mime, who dramatically clutches his throat, spins around a couple of times, and then falls down bonelessly.] And stay down!


Clint: [Grinning savagely.] I *like* this part! [Looks around for more tomatoes to throw.]


Jordan: [Picks up two tomatoes, looks at Clint, grins, and copies but with two instead of one] Take cover!

;;; Actually Conor all of your emails are now coming through with huge

delays. 28 still hasn't come through for me, but 23 and the one

between 23 and 28 that you made are now here.


Clint: Fruit in the hole! [Chucks a tomato into a pack of mimes, where it bursts and sends several of them flying cinematically.]


Alice: Yeeeeeeha! [Fires one straight through a mime, killing the one directly behind him too] Two for one! Beat that!


[JORDAN's tomatoes explode, sending the mimes scattering. The party's joy, however, is short lived, as the tomatoes are starting to overwhelm them, to the extent that everyone is now receiving multiple smacks of tomatoes.]

Alice: It's a tomatonado!

;;; Not sure what the problem is, but the logger makes it look like yours

;;; are coming in late. Let's keep an eye on it today


Clint: [Wearily.] Okay, what living thing feasts on rotten tomatoes and won't try to kill us? Besides Dur, I mean.


Jordan: [Grabbing a tomato] What about us? I like tomatoes.

;;; Okia dokie then. Also, I won't be around tomorrow or Thursday.


Austin : [Deftly throws a tomato at a mime, to ricochet off two other mimes, knocking them off the deck] What do you propose, a tomato tagine?


Alice: It would be better than a Durnado! I'm sure there are lots of harmless things that eat tomatoes.

[The party are now almost across the deck but, as predicted, the tomatoes are now flying around so fast that they can barely see. Suddenly, a huge giraffe steps forward and begins eating the tomatoes.]


Content-Type: text/plain; charset=ISO-8859-1

Charlie: [Astonished] Dear GOD, what is the natural enemy of a giraffe?!



Alice: Maybe it's a mime?


Content-Type: text/plain; charset=ISO-8859-1

Charlie: Perhaps low bridges? [Scrapes tomato from her face] Anyway, let us hurry across now that the tomatoes are clearing!



[Finally, the party get to a door to let them below deck, which is covered in smears of tomato, mime, pollen, spiders and cat hair. The entire ships shudders as a giraffe slams on deck right beside them.]


Content-Type: text/plain; charset=ISO-8859-1

Charlie: [Tries to dodge the giraffe] Aren't these normally gentle, plant-eating types?!



Alice: Of course! They're perfectly harmless. Why, they couldn't hurt someone even if they tried!

[Slam! A giraffe lands on top of a crew member, squashing him.]

Alice: Hm. I see.


Austin : In the interests of animal welfare, some one should really do something about this!


Jordan: [Looks over the side to see if the ship is falling] Erm, I could be wrong, but I think the weight of them is going to sink us and slow us down and set that bomb off.


Clint: Aw crap, he's probably right. Faster, guys, faster! [Tries to push through the sea of giraffes to get to a spot he can fix the steering mechanism from.]


[ALICE pulls open the door and party dash in, finally out of the Giraffenado.]

Alice: At last! Now, we need to get two levels below, and then right up into the front.


Austin : Just out of curiosity, how do you know all of this? [Glances around] is this one of your nightmares?


Clint: [Giving it a shot.] Bimbo, what's the fastest way to get two levels down? [Looks around for a ladder anyway.]


Alice: I don't know, Aus! It just popped into my head when Jordan asked the question back on the bridge. [Looks around] I don't know what's the best way, maybe down that ladder there? [Points at a weird looking rope ladder] What do you guys think is going on? I mean, it's kind of weird to see a Giraffenado, right?


Content-Type: text/plain; charset=ISO-8859-1

Charlie: [Tries to climb the rope ladder] Quite so! I would fear we were somehow trapped in your mind, though one would expect more unicorns and sparkling things!



Clint: You mean, a shoenado or something like that? [Heads on down the ladder as well.]


Austin : Perhaps this is what is meant by Alice being the 'Mother'. Perhaps Alice is creating or distorting reality with her thoughts [Looks at the others and shudders. Climbs down the ladder]


Jordan: Well then. [Looks at Alice curiously] Alice, did you by chance wish for a bigger chest and ass?


Alice: I most certainly did not! My ass and boobs were perfect, thank you very much!

[CHARLIE and CLINT suddenly realise that this is not a ladder, but a number of snakes who have cunningly disguised themselves as a ladder. Each of them is promptly bitten by a snake.]


Austin : It's not that Alice is consciously willing these things to happen, it's that they happened because she thinks they are true. In other words, her bum got bigger, because that's how big she thought it looked, likewise with her boobs. [Quickly tries to climb back up without getting bitten]


Alice: Not true! You guys saw it first! I never thought my bum looked big, because it always looked perf!

[Everyone is now safely disentangled from the snakes, but will need to find another way down.]


Content-Type: text/plain; charset=ISO-8859-1

Charlie: [Yelps and checks out her hand] Alice, how could you?! [Worriedly] Are they poisonous? Do you secretly hate me?



Alice: I didn't do it! Come on! You think I was responsible for the mimes too? Do you think I'm crazy?


Dur: Hmmmm. Those are really two different questions.



Alice: I guess I must be if I'm asking you!


Content-Type: text/plain; charset=ISO-8859-1

Charlie: Well, to be fair, you do constantly seem dissatisfied with your undergarment choices. Perhaps that is suggestive of a larger issue with body image?



Alice: I told you! It's laundry day! And why am I being accused of being crazy? [Dramatically pointing at Charlie and Clint] You're the ones who tried to climb down a ladder made of steaks.

;;; Drew is out today

Jordan: They were snakes!

Alice: That's even crazier!


Austin : [To Alice] You are clearly far more sane than they are.


Content-Type: text/plain; charset=ISO-8859-1

Charlie: [To Alice, soothingly] No one thinks you clinically insane. Perhaps just [diplomatically] somewhat troubled--and suddenly oddly powerful! Now, try to envision a way for us to neutralize this bomb. [Helpfully] Something glittery and shiny. You'd like that, wouldn't you?



Alice: [Wails] Well, I can't do it when you're hassling me! Let's get to the steering first. At least we can ditch the boat at that point by pointing it out over the ocean, because any attempt to disarm the delicate pH balance of the inciting fluid will almost certainly cause an explosion due to the thinness of the air at this height. [Looks confused] Huh?


Austin : Curious. That sounds like the kind of think Trindle would have said in this situation. [Sighs] To the steering!


[The party make their way along the surprisingly plush carpet towards some stairs.]

Alice: Really? You think Jerome is trying to help?


Content-Type: text/plain; charset=ISO-8859-1

Charlie: [Horrified] You consider being pelted with tomatoes and giraffes help?! Perhaps it is some mad game, and he is just playing with your life!



Clint: To hell with the tomatoes and giraffes, we had to deal with mimes. Mimes!


Alice: At least we could deal with the mimes by throwing tomatoes at them!


Clint: [Grins.] Yeah. Let's get below before something else happens! [Hurries to the stairs.]


Alice: Holy crap! Look! The carpet -- it's made out of snakes!


Clint: Ah hell. Bimbo, rustle up some mongeese for us, would you?


Jordan: Take it easy! They'll only try to hurt you if you hurt them.

[Chomp. A snake bites ALICE on the arm.]

Alice: Ow! [Draws her sword and cuts its head off] What's good for the mongoose is good for the mongander! [To the party] You know what, there's no way that this stuff is controlled by my wishes! Why the hell would I wish for a bomb? Or a mime? I mean, a giraffenado? Sure, that's normal, but the rest of the stuff is just crazy! [Dramatically] Even by Dur's stadards!


Austin : Not your wishes Alice, just your subconscious desires, fears, paranoia and delusions. [Casually checks his nails]


Alice: So is it Jerome? If so, is he trying to help us? Or hurt us?


Content-Type: text/plain; charset=ISO-8859-1

Charlie: My guess would be annoy us! [To Alice] Perhaps you could try addressing him through [dubiously] prayer? Maybe you could convince him to stop?



Austin : I don't think that one is causing the other. The weird stuff is probably because of this terribly annoying Reveals thing, and some geek like Trindle appears to be trying to help us, telepathically or something, via you. Perhaps they are on board this ship somewhere, they did seem to know a great deal about it!


Alice: [Looks from Charlie to Austin, dubiously] Er, okay. Dear, uh, heavenly Jerome, Howard Arthur be your game....

[The snakes rise up and force the party back.]


Dur: Perhaps you should skip to the part where you ask him to deliver us from being snake bait!


Alice: [Closes her eyes tightly] And delivers us Doc, from snakey bait, now, in the middle of this ship. [Peeks out] Did it work?

[A massive winnebago smashses through the upper deck of the ship and crushes all the snakes.]

;;; In and out for next two hours


Austin : [Grimacing from the sound of the crash] I think that answers your question fairly comprehensively. [Considers the winnebago] I wonder if it still has a working shower and washer-dryer facility?


Content-Type: text/plain; charset=ISO-8859-1

Charlie: [Gapes at the winnebago] He does work in mysterious ways!! Hurry, let us go while we have our chance.



[The door of the winnebago opens. Enter JAKE FLASH, snapping photos so aggressively that he almost blinds the party.]

Jake: Well gollee. It's a bona fide winnebagonado out there!


Clint: [Puts a hand to his aching head.] I'm not even gonna... Right! Let's get below before we get crushed! [Tries once more to get downstairs.]


Alice: I know! What on earth would be able to kill a winnebago?

Jake: [Flashes Clint with his camera] Hey! What's up? [Gets between the party and the stairs] Smile!


Clint: [To Alice.] EPA inspectors?


Alice: Why would the judges from Ass Fancier's Weekly be scary?

[The ship shudders as something else very heavy lands up on deck, but, mercifully, doesn't crash through. Meanwhile, JAKE continues to shoot pictures.]


Jordan: With an ass of your size as it is now, I would imagine very scary, as they would be all over you like a horde of ants that just found the best meal they ever tasted.


Content-Type: text/plain; charset=ISO-8859-1

Charlie: [Looks around fearfully] What's landed isn't a very large derriere, one hopes?


Jake: Hey! Hey! Can you guys see me? [Takes another photo] I was in a convoy! My truckin' buddies will follow. The buds that bag together, tag together, as we always say.


Clint: Yeah, sure, that's great. Say, did you know you're riding a flying bomb here?


Austin : You 'bag together'? Does that mean you sleep together?


Jake: [Takes a photo of Austin, almost blinding him with the flash] Hell no! What do you think we are? Some sort of weirdoes? No, we just inspect each others' testicles for mites.

Alice: Ew! And how exactly do you conduct the inspection.

Jake: The tongue is best body part for detecting testemites.


Austin : [Shudders, looks disgusted at Jake] You have mites! [Edges away from Jake]

;;;;awa hame have a good weekend


Jordan: Could always just use mite spray.


Clint: [Backing away from Jake.] You sick freaks better stay inside your winnebagos! [To Alice.] Quick, Bimbo, we need something new!


Alice: [Closes her eyes] I wish Stinky would punch this guy in the camera.


Clint: [Tries to punch Jake in the camera.] Remember, Bimbo, with great power comes great responsibility!


[Crack. Poor old JAKE takes one smack in the lens, catapulting the camera back so that it smashes him in the face.]

Alice: [Applauds] Do it again! Do it again!


Clint: [Shrugs and socks Jake again.] Sorry, man. Power corrupts, you know!


Jake: Ow!

Alice: Stop! Clint! Stop! Hey! [Gets in between Jake and Clint] Hey! [Separates them] Hey!

[She picks up JAKE's camera, and points it at the two.]

Alice: Okay, NOW you can do it again!


Clint: Is this really necessary? [Does it again.]


Alice: [Snaps the photo as Clint punches Jake] Of course not!

Jake: Please! I'm sorry!


Jordan: Please? You are begging to be punched more? Are you some kind of masochist who enjoys punishment?


Alice: Yeah! Some sort of weirdo who gets off on wearing a super flouncy maid's dress and being caned by the master for not serving the ham right, who enjoys the whistling sound followed by the crack onto soft, milky white cheeks, who revels in the red stripes left from the ... er, [gets selfconscious] I think that's enough, come on! Let's go!


Content-Type: text/plain; charset=ISO-8859-1

Charlie: [Appalled] Really, is all of this violence necessary?! We really should be dealing with larger issues, such as the potential pitfalls of being playthings for God-figures!


Alice: Yes, Clint, you should be ashamed of yourself!

[Exit ALL, further down into the ship.]

;;; End of scene, next one coming right up


[Book IX, Act V, Scene V. The Fiesta Deck on the Duckinghamshire. ALICE, AUSTIN, CHARLIE, CLINT, DUR and JORDAN are here, having travelled down several flights of stairs. They face a long corridor populated with dozens of ferocious looking snakes.]

Alice: Hm. I think where we need to get to is at the opposite end of that corridor!


Content-Type: text/plain; charset=ISO-8859-1

Charlie: [Rubbing her previously bitten hand fretfully] More snakes?! [To Dur] Haven't you a spell of some kind to do away with these creatures?


Alice: I once bought some oil that was supposed to scare away snakes. [Disappointed] Turned out just to be snake oil.


Clint: Haw! What we need here is a fire and some torches! Or a pack of mongooses.


[The ship shudders, and another Winnebago falls through, crushing many of the snakes.]

Alice: Or, you know, that!


Content-Type: text/plain; charset=ISO-8859-1

Charlie: [Delighted] Marvelous! Now, let us take care of the stragglers and make our way forward! [Whips out her sword to chop up stray snakes]


Clint: [Pushes forward to get down the hall and around the winnebago, hacking at any snakes that get too close.] If some nerd with a camera comes out, it's someone else's turn to punch him in the nose!


Alice: I hope so!

[And CLINT's hose finally runs out. Then there's a little more, then it stops. Then a little more again, and once again it stops. Another volcano explodes near the ship, setting another massive fire. The sails, unfortunately are also now on fire. CLINT produces another quick stream which eventually dies down.]

Alice: [Looking disgusted] I think you might need to see a doctor, Stinky. Now how are we going to get that fire put out? And how are we going to get that smell out of our nostrils?


Alice: But what do we do? Remember, if the ship slows down, the bomb will blow up!


Dur: Why does that not surprise me? Of course if THIS ship sinks, it could be slightly more likely to cause us serious damage!


Content-Type: text/plain; charset=ISO-8859-1

Charlie: Then we must find a way to disarm the bomb or evacuate the ship without allowing it to slow down in the process!



Austin : [Still holding his breath, trying not to inhale Clint's burnt pee. To Dur] Murri uup! [Starts turning red then blue, then gives in a takes a huge breath]

;;;awa hame


Austin : Some sort of parachutes are probably in order. [Pauses] I thought our magicians could make us fall like feathers? We did use that before?


Clint: Yeah! I can only put out so many fires, you know!

;;; busy day today, limited posts


Alice: Maybe we shouldn't try to disarm the bomb, but the thingy that tells it when the ship has slowed down? Or, now that we can steer the ship, how about we just cut it loose over the water?


Alice: We can't! Remember, they sold all the parachutes and things to buy a raffle tickets for a testicle!

[No sign of any fire extinguishers. ALICE presses the intercom.]

Alice: Is this ship supposed to have fire extinguishers?

Roger: Yes.

[Time passes. Meanwhile, CLINT begins urinating on the fire, which turns out to be surprisingly effective.]

Alice: Oh god! The smell! And why is that colour? WHY? I think I'd rather burn to death!


Clint: [Cannily.] How do we disarm the thingy that tells the bomb when the ship has slowed down, Bimbo?


[One of the volcanoes explodes dangerously close to the ship, blowing a whole in the side and setting the thing on fire.]

Alice: Uh, I don't think that's really going to be a problem, Stinky! Put out the fire!


Clint: Uh... [Looks around hopefully for a fire extinguisher.]


no explodes near the ship, setting another >massive fire. The sails, unfortunately are also now on fire. CLINT produces another quick stream which eve= that smell out of our nostrils?

Dur: I think we need to get this ship out of the air as quickly as we can! [Dur tries to cast CREATE WATER above the fire to put it out]


Content-Type: text/plain; charset=ISO-8859-1

Charlie: [Tries to put out the fire] Perhaps this would be a good time to abandon ship?!



Austin : What happened on the last ship you were on?


Content-Type: text/plain; charset=ISO-8859-1

Charlie: [Watching Clint, gagging and covering her nose] Dear GOD. [Looks around] Well, could we make parachutes out of sails, perhaps? In any case, we had better steer away from the volcanoes at once!



Alice: Oh, it wasn't that bad, Charlie. [To Austin] You were there, on the unsinkable Titan Ic. [To the others who weren't there] It sank.


Content-Type: text/plain; charset=ISO-8859-1

Charlie: [To Alice, full of "sympathy"] It wasn't that time you neglected to pack a hair-dryer, was it?


Alice: What are we going to do? Maybe it might rain?

;;; Gah! Sent this to just Kevin last night by accident! Then sent to

;;; just Dom this morning. Sigh!


Dur: Maybe we need to wish for a bomb diffusing-ado?


Alice: Don't be stupid, that would be ridiculous.

[Everyone ducks to avoid being hit by a flying giraffe.]

Alice: Er, well... you know what I mean!


Content-Type: text/plain; charset=ISO-8859-1

Charlie: Why don't you imagine we all suddenly have parachutes? [Encouragingly] They can be shiny!



Alice: [Crouches beside Austin peering out] Is... is that a... volcanonado??

[The others all crowd around and look out. There are dozens of volcanos, flying around the sky, erupting dangerously close to the ship.]

Alice: The weird thing is, this is STILL one of my better journeys on a ship!


Austin : Flouncy, even.


Clint: Although is anyone else concerned about the god-like power being given to, uh, Alice?


Alice: [Getting increasingly excited] That's a great idea you guys!

[The flames keep getting higher as ALICE closes her eyes and concentrates. Her concentration is broken by a huge drop of water landing on her head.]

Alice: Huh. That's weird.

[Another drop, and another. Soon there is a torrential downpour, streaming in through the holes in the ship.]


Dur: Were you thinking about water?


Clint: If she did, she's a bad, bad person! [Scrunches further into the ship, trying to stay try.]


Alice: No! I was just thinking that we need these fires put out!


Dur: [Hopping into Alice's arms to avoid the water] Can you think that we need the bomb diffused? Or maybe you can think us to safety instead of into = varying degrees of danger!?


Austin : [Wiping water from his face] Well, you did an excellent job. [Looks out of a port hole if he can] Does anyone know where we are?


Content-Type: text/plain; charset=ISO-8859-1

Charlie: [Wringing out her hair] Yes, most effective! Now, how about those parachutes??


Alice: [Struggling a little under Dur's weight, but still holding him] You say it like I've got some control here, but I don't! I've no idea where we are, Aus, but we probably need to get that bomb sorted out before any of the volcanoes set it off.

[It is raining hard now, and the volcanonado is starting to be soaked out.]


Clint: Oh, alright. This way! [Heads back in the direction of the bomb, doing his best not to get too soaked.]


[Alas for poor CLINT, the rain is so heavy, and the ship so badly damaged, that it is virtually impossible to avoid the rain. The party make their way to the mechanism, slipping and sliding as they do so.]

Alice: There it is! How the hell are we going to disable it?


Content-Type: text/plain; charset=ISO-8859-1

Charlie: [Examining the mechanism] Do we see any vulnerabilities? [Gently pokes at the mechanism with a pencil]


Austin : No, but I can see a liability! Stop poking it!


[The rain continues to hammer down around the party, soaking the mechanism. Unfortunately, there are no obvious vulnerabilities.]

Alice: Didn't someone say the only way to disarm it was to submerge it in water?

;;; They did -- it was her!


Alice: Tell her where the liability is, Aus! Otherwise when she careless pokes the bomb with something, it might be dangerous!


Austin : [Tearful. Hugs Alice if he can] You are so very lovely. [Still hugging Alice] Don't worry, every thing will work out just fine.


Content-Type: text/plain; charset=ISO-8859-1

Charlie: [Watches Austin hug Alice, baffled] Oh, there really isn't time for you to be picking pockets just now! [To the party, looking around for buckets and such] Quickly, let us gather water and try to soak the mechanism!


Alice: Er, there there. [Pats Austin awkwardly]

[There are two nearby buckets, about the size that children would normally have at the beach. However, there are plenty of holes in the roof, which is just barely staying upright, causing lots of water to pour in. CHARLIE grabs a bucket and gently pours it over the mechanism. It certainly doesn't explode, but, it is difficult to know if it has worked.]

Alice: Maybe it needs to be submerged?


ch is just barely staying upright, >causing lots of water to pour in. CHARLIE grabs a bucket and gently pours it over the mechanism. It certainly does=

Dur: You mean like a b-b-b-bath?1 [Shrieks louder than he did at the Mimes.]


Alice: Dur! Stop being such a girl! In fact, why am I even still holding you? [Drops him in the water]


Jordan: Well, we could always steer the ship out to see and land it, submerging the bomb that way?


Alice: [Now knee deep in water] True, but what if it explodes before we get it submerged?


Dur: If it's die via drowning or via bomb, I choose bomb! But if we have a chance at living, lets plug all the holes in this room and flood it with wa= ter?


Alice: I can't believe I'm saying this, but that's a great idea, Dur! [Starts searching around for some holes and blocks them]


Content-Type: text/plain; charset=ISO-8859-1

Charlie: [Unhappily] But, but--my bucket idea was also very good, right?! [Quickly gets to plugging holes]


Alice: Sure! It was almost as good as [sniggers] as good as Dur's idea!

[Everyone finds a few holes to plug, and the level of water begins to rise quickly, although there are still some holes letting some out. The water is close to the bottom of the mechanism.]

Alice: How are we going to block the rest?


Content-Type: text/plain; charset=ISO-8859-1

Charlie: [Sulkily] Don't ask me, ask DUR. [Quickly] No, no! Ask me!! I can figure this out. [Scans the room frantically while starting to stuff holes with wadded up paper from her notepad]


Jordan: Given our lives are at stake, I say we strip and use our clothes. [Ponders a moment] Mmmm, steak. Nice juicy steak. Oh great, now I'm hungry.


stuff holes with wadded up paper from her >notepad]

Dur: [Tries sticking a finger in a whole] I can't think of everything! Get creative!


Alice: [Looks at Dur, appalled] Stop picking your nose! [To Jordan] Good idea! But, oh man! The one day I didn't wear my extra flouncy underwear!

[Somehow, between the holes plugged by CHARLIE and the now torrential rain, the water rises up above the mechanism.]


Jordan: You mean you have no underwear on at all?


Clint: So now that we're stuck in a room with a defused bomb, what's out plan for getting out of here?


Austin : We should return to the bridge, have the ship steered back to the manor, where we can land, and finally get a change of clothing!


Clint: No, what I mean is, we've very carefully plugged every leak in this room we can so we can juuuuuust disarm the bomb. How are we getting out of the room without losing so much water that the bomb can go off again?


Alice: [Tries to stretch] Nope! Can't do it [Stretches again] Almost there!


Alice: My jeans! My favourite green jeans! They just ripped! [Wails] And I wasn't even wearing them!

[Unfortunately, no one is close enough to actually touch the mechanism or the bomb, and the room is flooding fast.]


Jordan: We could always weaken the floor around the bomb so the weight of all the water causes it to fall away, taking the bomb with it!


Austin : [Hanging onto the walls to avoid being swept away. To Alice] Look on the bright side, now you can buy some new clothes!


Alice: [Up to her neck in water] Not if I drown I can't!

[The rain suddenly stops, and the sun comes out, unbelievably hot.]


Dur: Is the tornado over?


Content-Type: text/plain; charset=ISO-8859-1


Charlie: [Looks up, astonished] Now you control the sun, too?!



Alice: I can barely even control my need to pee!

[The sun gets even hotter, and the water that was threatening to drown the party starts to evaporate. The water, while warm, isn't unpleasantly hot.]

Alice: Whew! That's such a relief!

[The water around ALICE gets a little hotter.]


Austin : [Sheds a tear] Oh my god, that is vile! I do hope it was just pee!


Jordan: I say we just get out of here, steer the ship to sea, sabotage it again ourselves so it can't be steered, then jump in to the sea and let the guys left on here sort it out or die, preferably die since they are in with HARMA.


Austin : And how do you plan to deal with the sharks? We should simply land the ship in a field and disembark safely.


Jordan: So how do we test if the bomb is disarmed first then?


Austin : [Defensively] Well, it's better than being eaten by sharks. Why dont we fly low over a lake or river, and jump out?


Clint: Why doesn't Bimbo imagine us a strong updraft so we can jump out in style?


Alice: I'm not doing anything! And Aussie's right -- this whole thing has been so crazy that I wouldn't be surprised if we were caught up in a Sharknado!

;;; If you haven't seen Sharknado, do so immediately! Greatest

disaster movie ever.


Content-Type: text/plain; charset=ISO-8859-1

Charlie: [Aghast] Dear GOD, woman! You don't want to inadvertently cause such a thing, so do think of something less dreadful at once. You know, something harmless, like the Puffy Marshmallow Creature on the box of that breakfast cereal children and demons seem to love!

;;; If your standards are very, very low. And you're inexplicably a fan of

;;; Ian Ziering.


Austin : Okay! Everyone stop talking about sharks please!

;;; looks like an awesome movie, they should make a sequel with

zombies and space vampires too!


Clint: Well, why don't we start by defusing the bomb while there's still some water left in here? Sarge, I'll lift you up and you, uh, give it a good talking to or whatever.

;;; I much prefer the mighty Arachnoquake meself!


Alice: Look! There's another airship! It's heading this way -- I bet they're here to save us. Hurrah!

[The ship is approaching at high speed.]

Alice: They've even got one of those really happy flags on top. You know, the Funny Codger, or whatever?

;;; Everyone can see that it is a Jolly Roger.

;;; Greatest action hero ever. The man killed a shark with a chainsaw!!


Alice: Yeah! Why are people talking about sharks when that really happy looking ship is coming? It's silly to talk about sharks. If we keep talking about sharks, well, you know...


Jordan: I do hope they have an emergency handbrake on that thing, they seem to be going awfully fast if they are here to rescue us.


Clint: I don't think that's on their to-do list! I say we let them board us, and then we board them instead and fly away on their bomb-free ship!


Austin : A splendid plan. Let us hope that they have ample cleaning facilities and several tailors aboard. [Pauses] And no bombs!


Alice: Or mimes!

[The ship keeps approaching, now at high speed. The party can see that WILHELMINA is standing at the bow of the ship, sword in hand, her face contorted with what appears to be pain.]

Wilhelmina: [Clutching at her eyes] About turn!

[WILHELMINA's ship begins to turn, but it looks terribly close.]

;;; Annnnd scene! Next one coming right up!


[Book IX, Act V, Scene VI. The Duckinghamshire. ALICE, AUSTIN, CHARLIE, CLINT, DUR and JORDAN are here, desperately trying to stem the flood. WILHELMINA has fallen back into her ship out of sight, and it glances across the top of the Duckinghamshire, crashing through the top deck, but passing over the party. Mimes, giraffes and spiders coming crashing in on top of the party. Although the water is now pouring out due to even more damage, all the extra bodies in are keeping the level high enough to cover the bomb.]

Alice: My God! I think we're going to make it! Huzzah!

[WILHELMINA's ship turns and the party can see SINCLAIR REEVES*. He looks smugly at the party.]

Sinclair: Fire all canons!

[The air is filled with the deafening sound of dozens of canons firing at the Duckinghamshire.]

;;; And there we will pause until Monday!

;;; * An ex-boyfriend of both Austin and Alice (although he didn't

appear to remember

;;; Alice), who was head of the cult at the Manor.

;;;;out most of today


Jordan: [Practically screaming] Alice! Think about shields! Think about shields!


Alice: I told you! I'm not doing any of this!

[The cannonballs rip into the side of the balloon that the ship is suspended from, bursting it.


Content-Type: text/plain; charset=ISO-8859-1

Charlie: [Stunned] Will! How could you do this?! Come out here and once and tell your thugs to stop attacking us!!


[No response.]

Sinclair: Reload! Fire!

[The party's balloon bursts, sending their ship zooming off at high speed, narrowly avoiding the next hail of cannonballs. Everyone clings onto what remains of the ship, barely hanging on.]

Alice: At least we're going fast enough that the bomb won't go off!


Clint: We really, really have to to do something about Charlie's daughter's rebellious teen thing! How do we get off this thing?!


Alice: Don't worry about it, Clint -- it'll crash long before we get a chance to get off it!

[The ship careers out of control, zooming around crazily, before stalling out up high, and starting its descent.]

Alice: Er, what are the chances of us having a soft landing?

;;; Dom is out today

Austin: [Knuckles white from grabbing the side of the ship] Probably even less than the bomb not exploding on impact!


Content-Type: text/plain; charset=ISO-8859-1

Charlie: [Distressed] Wilhelmina!! What are you doing?! [Tries to look down] Can we jump into the water safely?


Jordan: If only I'd bothered to learn Feather Fall we could have just jumped to safety!


Alice: Gee, thanks for sharing that with us, Jordie!

[The party begin to plummet earthwards. They can see that there is a huge reservoir close, but not close enough, as a dam holds it at bay, and the party is about to come down on some barren looking fields on the wrong side.]


Clint: Hey, can we steer this thing using the bomb somehow?


Jordan: Perhaps if we jump we can navigate our way through the air to the water?!


Alice: [Uselessly turning a toy steering wheel] Unless you can think of a way to get the water to come to us, we're all gonna die!


Clint: We can't separate the balloon from the ship in time, can we?


Alice: The balloon is shredded! It's not doing anything for anyone anymore!

[The party continue their plunge to earth.]


Clint: I know, but maybe the drag from all this wood is keeping us from getting to the water? New plan - we quickly build a glider!


Content-Type: text/plain; charset=ISO-8859-1

getting to the water? New plan - we quickly build a glider!

Charlie: [Eagerly] Oh, let's do! Quickly, who has the hexagon head high tensile steel screws?!


Clint: Never leave home without it!

;;; One supposes Clint doesn't have hex-head screws handy? =)


Alice: Oh, wow, Stinky! That's really great!

[Everyone leans over to look at CLINT's screws.]

Alice: Hey! They're not hexagons, they're octagons! How many times do we have to tell you, Clint! [Points to the huge dam] Damn! We're just on the wrong side of it!


Jordan: Well we can try and detonate the bomb and make it shift us over to the right side, we can jump and hope we land on the right side, or we can stand here debating what we are going to do and hope by some miracle of Phili that when we crash from still debating, we come out of it alive. Either way I think my back is going to get even worse from this.


Alice: Uh, what was the first one again?


Austin : [To Alice] It sounded like some suicidal bomb detonation [finger quotes] 'plan'. Perhaps the ship has cannon, and we can burst the dam, releasing the water and allowing us to land safely in it.


Alice: It surely does, but by the time we find it, we'll have crashed -- and anyway, are we sure that cannonball would explode? It's not like they're bombs, right?


Content-Type: text/plain; charset=ISO-8859-1

Charlie: [Hopefully] Perhaps not, but they do cause damage to hard surfaces when shot at explosive speeds, do they not? If only we had dozens of them!



[There's a huge flash of light. Enter DR. JEROME K. TRINDLE, BSC, PHD, GOD.]

Jerome: Or you could throw the bomb at it!


Jordan: That was my next suggestion!


Content-Type: text/plain; charset=ISO-8859-1

Charlie: But didn't we defuse it?! [Shrugs] Well, who am I to argue with God?! Hurry, let's try flinging it! [Tries to heft the bomb]



Jordan: I thought we just defused the firing mechanism or whatever. Surely the impact from the fall would still set it off regardless? [Helps Charlie in her attempt to heft the bomb]



Alice: [Helps the others throw the bomb] Maybe it's only defused when it's under water? Jerome?

[JEROME has already disappeared, but the party heft it over the side and it flies towards the dam, exploding just in front of it and sending water gushing out. Just as the ship is about to crash, a massive wave sweeps up and catches the ship, soon depositing it on a field. Although badly bruised and shaken, as well as soaked to the skin from water, sewage and an inordinate amount of giraffe faeces, everyone seems to be fine.]


Content-Type: text/plain; charset=ISO-8859-1

Charlie: [Drags herself to her feet] Hurry, group! Find a place to hide. [Grimly] I must speak to Will, at once! I cannot lose her again!!


Alice: Look! Her ship is coming towards us! I think you'll have a chance soon enough!


Jordan: Good luck Chuckles! {Pats Charlie on the back reassuringly, then finds somewhere to hide]


Content-Type: text/plain; charset=ISO-8859-1

Charlie: [To the party] Take cover, group! I'm sure she must be angry with me, not you! [Calls out to the ship] Wilhelmina!



Austin : As far as mother - daughter fights go, I think this one may be a little one sided? [Finds something to hide behind]


Content-Type: text/plain; charset=ISO-8859-1

Charlie: True, she is terribly young and inexperienced, but I shall fight fairly, do not worry!



Alice: [Tuts in irritation at Austin hiding behind her] That's what we're afraid of, Charlie!

[The other ship lands a short distance away -- about a hundred yards -- and SINCLAIR comes into view.]

Sinclair: Charge! Kill them all!

[The bow of the ship opens, and hundreds of hooded men, similar to those who set the manor on fire, charge out.]


Austin : [Sighs disappointedly at Sinclair] Such a jealous lover, and looser!


Jordan: So much for hiding. [Starts to sing and casts Glitterdust on the approaching army]


[A massive cloud bursts out onto the oncoming soldiers, slowing them down dramatically.]

Alice: If only we had our own army!

[Enter ROGER, staggering out of the ship.]

Roger: I knew that by getting them to throw the bomb at the dam I'd save the day!


Austin : Saved the minute more likely! What do you plan to do about that [Points at the advancing army] We have a good head start if we run. [Considers the options] Let's run!


Clint: Good call, lawyer! You go first!


Austin : Why of course I'll go first, they will catch the tail-enders first, and as your leader, I am far too important to be caught. [Legs it away from the army if he can] Follow me!


Content-Type: text/plain; charset=ISO-8859-1

Charlie: [Faces the approaching army and bellows] Wilhelmina! Come out at once!! Your father and I are very disappointed in your behavior of late.



Sinclair: [Clearly unaffected by the cloud] Wilhelmina isn't here anymore. The Abyss has given her judgement!

Alice: We'll never outrun them, Aus! [Steps out of the way of some the dozens of giraffes, mimes, spiders, etc. that are making their way off the ship] What can we do? Jerome! Why can't you give us an army?


Clint: Psst! Now's not the time, Sarge! Wait until she doesn't have a small army of slack-jawed idiots coming with her! [Waits behind to cover Charlie's retreat.]


Clint: [Dubiously.] Hey mimes, you guys want to go perform for the nice people on the other ship? Give us time to escape by riding giraffes? Sounds good, right?


good, right?

Dur: Maybe that is why Jerome bombarded us with all that stuff? Can we get them to fight for us?


Alice: [Almost stepping in a mime] Speaking of slack jawed idiots -- how about we get these navy guys to attack? I mean, no offence, but they are idiots, aren't they? Er, I mean, they are super brave and Sinclair and that other ship is full of people who swear and smoke cheese and do all sorts of bad things, right?

[MARCELLUS MARCEAURUS, one of the mimes, speaks up.]

Marcellus: [To Clint] That would be super neat!


Roger: I've got a better idea! Why don't we get the giraffes and mimes and attack?


Clint: ... because we don't speak giraffe?


Content-Type: text/plain; charset=ISO-8859-1

Charlie: [Super-excited] Oh, I do, I do! [Modestly] I saw a Geographic National special about it! [Puts on a crazily irritating voice that sounds kind of like mooing and honking all at once]



[To everyone's surprise, not only do the giraffes appear to pay attention, so too do all the spiders, cats and even winnebagos.]

Alice: [Highly sceptical] I see it, but I don't believe it. [To Clint] Better get up on that giraffe and lead the attack!


Jordan: Yes, that's it! We ride the giraffes into battle, trampling the enemy, then ride off in to the horizon to victory in safety!


Clint: [Looks for an obliging giraffe to ride into battle.] Haw! No one better mess with us now!


[CLINT leaps onto a giraffe, who rears up like a horse, before racing off towards WILHELMINA's army, accompanied by dozens of cats and spiders.]

Alice: Yeeeha! Come on! Let's all grab a ride!


Austin : [Sighs] What is wrong with you people! This can only result in injury and death, our insurance does not cover war! [Tries to get onto a giraffe or into a Winnebago]


Jordan: [Ponders about his back, then joins Austin in the hunt for a Winnebago] Ah yes, but it will be there injury and death not ours. Wait, you guys have insurance?


[Each of JORDAN and AUSTIN snag a winnebago.]

Alice: [Trying to grab a passing giraffe] Yeah, it's great! You know how insurance works, right? We pay our agent a ton of money every month -- Austin, in this case -- and then, in the event of us wanting to make a claim, he says that it isn't covered because of some weird clause that we unknowingly signed, and that, in actual fact, we owe him more money. [Gives up on trying to catch a giraffe and instead grabs a passing mime.]

Mime: Hey! What are you doing?

Alice: Oh, you can pretend to be a horse! Yeeaha! [Digs her spurs into his side]


Austin : [Grimaces in disgust at the Winnebago as he gets in] The sacrifices I make for this world! [Sighs] Now, where is the shower and washer drier? [Goes to get clean]


Content-Type: text/plain; charset=ISO-8859-1

Charlie: [Races for a giraffe] Oh, this is so thrilling! I should like to communicate with this marvelous creatures and ask them their views on various world issues!



Austin : [From the Winnebago shower room window, to Heather] You could start a journal club with them!


Alice: [Charging after Clint, shouting back to Austin] Come on, Stinky! There's no time for showering!

;;; Out for 2 hours!


Jordan: How does one start one of these things? [Looks for the ignition in the hopes of running over the army]



[JORDAN fumbles around in the winnebago and eventually presses the correct button, causing it to roar into life.]

Roger: Into battle, my army!

[The party lead the charge into battle, knocking down cultists with Winnebagos and trampling others to death with their vicious giraffes.]

Alice: [Slicing the head off one of them that's starting to retreat] Let's steal their ship!


Content-Type: text/plain; charset=ISO-8859-1

Charlie: [Hacking at cultists with her sword] Indeed, we are in need of proper transportation! [Pats her giraffe] No offense!



[Not surprisingly, the well armed and crazed cultists are no match for a bunch of giraffes and mimes, and are easily routed. Those that aren't killed in the first surge race back to their ship. SINCLAIR appears on deck, for once betraying emotion.]

Sinclair: Take off! Quickly!


Austin : [Attempts a drive by shooting in his Winnebago, switching on the cruise control/autopilot to make a few shots at Sinclair] Traitor!


Sinclair: [Ducks to avoid the shots, before popping up again] You're the traitors! You fools!

[SINCLAIR's ship slowly starts to lift off.]

Alice: Come on, mime! Giddee up! [To the party] We'll never catch them!


Dur: Maybe we can reach it with the Giraffe's help?


[DUR's giraffe leaps onto ALICE's mime's back, before bounding onto CHARLIE's giraffe's back and then onto JORDAN's Winnebago. Finally, it jumps high into the air towards the ship, gracefully gliding through the air.]

Alice: He's going to make it! I don't believe it!

[Higher and higher it goes.]

Alice: Incredible!

[Splat. The giraffe hits the side of the ship and painfully slides down, as the ship pulls away.]

Alice: Oh.


Content-Type: text/plain; charset=ISO-8859-1

Charlie: [Cries out] Dave!



Austin : [Pats Charlie on the back] His name shall be legend!


Clint: On the bright side, we've got ourselves some vicious attack giraffes to ride to where we're going next!


Jordan: [Poking his head out the Winnebago window] I do hope Dur didn't get hurt too badly in that collision


Alice: I don't think it was the collision that hurt him, rather being crushed by poor old Dave!

[The other ship slowly heads towards the dam, the bottom half of which is still intact.]


Austin : They might be trying to destroy the rest of the dam and wash us away! [Looks around desperately] Is there anyway out of here?


Alice: We're in a valley! [Looks around] There! Maybe we can get to that hill!


Austin : Let's go! [Heads for the hill as fast as a Winnebago will go]


Jordan: [Yells loudly] Run! Run for your knees! [Follows Austin in his own Winnebago]


Content-Type: text/plain; charset=ISO-8859-1

Charlie: [Excited, following the others] Yes, hurry, group! Make for the hill!!



Dur: I hope it is tall enough to keep us dry! I can't take any more water today?

;;; Did anyone else get a spam e-mail from LING XIANG PACKAGING ALUMIUNM FOIL?


Alice: [Grabbing Charlie's arm and hefting her onto the back of her mime] Come on, Charlie! Dave can't help you now!

[SINCLAIR's ship fires all cannons at the dam, bursting it and sending a massive wave toward the party, clearly going to hit DUR first.]


;;; All very quiet today!

[The catches DUR and sweeps him and his giraffe up.]

Alice: Come on, mime! Pretend you're a race car!


Content-Type: text/plain; charset=ISO-8859-1

Charlie: [Gasps] Dur! [Tries to help Dur]


Charlie: [Gasps] Dur! [Tries to help Dur]

Dur: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! [In his panic at the oncoming water he tries to spur his giraffe faster.]


Clint: Hold on, doc, we'll save you! [Kicks his giraffe into high gear.]

;;; Indeed, but then, I get emails from people trying to sell me germanium

;;; waters and protein gels all the time, so, y'know, at least it's new!


Jordan: [Steers for Dur] No Clint! You'll get hit by the water and become clean! Let a professional handle this!

;;; Nope I didn't get anything.


[Too late! The wave sweeps up CLINT as well as ALICE and CHARLIE.]

Alice: Glug!

[The wave continues towards AUSTIN and JORDAN.]


Clint: I know, poet, but this is no time to worry about things like a little cleanliness!


Austin : [Tears up at the sight of the oncoming wave] Nooo! I just had a shower and dry-cleaned my clothes. My suit will be ruined!

;;;;awa hame


[Not only will AUSTIN's suit be ruined, but so too will his beloved Winnebago, as the wave also sweeps up JORDAN and AUSTIN.]

Alice: We're all gonna droooooown!


Austin : [Trying to cover his suit and shelter it from water] Help! I'm drowning!


[Everyone is engulfed in the water as wave after wave hammers down on them.]

;;; End of scene!


[Book IX, Act V, Scene VII. The Beach. ALICE, AUSTIN, CHARLIE, CLINT, DUR and JORDAN are here, slowly waking up on the shore, somehow all having been washed to safety, and, incredibly, all wearing new, dry clothes.]

Alice: What ... what happened?

;;; Choose your own clothes!


Dur: [Twitching and whimpering as if from a bad dream, dressed in the simple stark white of a cleric's robe. Dur is the cleanest he has been in years] = No mommy, don't put me in tu... [He jumps awake and see the group, sighingin relief] Thank Phili. I just had the worst drea.... [looks down and noti= ces she is squeaky clean and raises his fists in the air] Noooooooooo........


Content-Type: text/plain; charset=ISO-8859-1

No >mommy, don't put me in tu... [He jumps awake and see the group, sighing in >relief] Thank Phili. I just had the worst drea.... [looks down and notices she is >squeaky clean and raises his fists in the air] Noooooooooo........

Charlie: [To Dur, dismissively] Oh, do be an adult about it, for Phili's sake! [Looks down at her own outfit, a fairly conservative grey suit and skirt combo, and blushes] Oh, my! This skirt is a bit--tawdry--isn't it? [Self-consciously tugs at the hem of the skirt, which actually skims the knee and is not at all in the more, shall we say, whorey micro-mini style of an Alice type]

;;; No offense, Conor!


Alice: [Laughs at Charlie] Shocking! Simply shocking!


Dur: You think that is shocking, check HER out [Points at Alice] . Someone decided to cosplay Alice as Clementine! That's weird right?


Content-Type: text/plain; charset=ISO-8859-1

Charlie: [Looks at Alice, taken aback] Indeed! What on earth are you wearing, Alice?! What a very peculiar thing to do.

;;; Out for the rest of the day!


Alice: [Checks out her clothes] Hey! What's going on?

[ALICE is wearing virtually the same outfit that CLEMENTINE wore when the party first met her, and her hairstyle is now exactly the same as CLEMENTINE's. With her curvier assets, she actually bears an uncanny resemblance to CLEMENTINE.]

;;; Drew is out today

Jordan: Wow, Clementine! I mean, Alice, that's verging on the creepy!


Clint: [Shakes himself blearily awake, decked out in a suit to make Austin's tailor weep in envy.] Bimbo, what the hell are you wearing?! [Notices himself.] What the hell am *I* wearing?!


[Enter JEROME, in a flash of bright light.]

Jerome: [With a big smile] Hi everyone! [Looks Alice up and down] Very nice!

;;; Gone for the weekend!


Austin : [Staring at his clothes, a brushed black silk suit, still smelling of the fresh tears of the child slaves who made it, and a black shirt, tie, gloves, hat and shoes] Black? I don't do black [looks as if he is tiring to avid touching his suit from the inside. Looks at the others, amazed. To Alice] You look more like Clementine than Clementine did! [Drop jawed at Jerome. In a small voice] Hello.


Jerome: Close shave, eh? [To Alice] Austin's right! You look great! I love your hair!

;;; This is reminiscent of Book IV, Act VI, when Alice had a hair cut

to look like

;;; Azrael/Grace, whom Jerome went on to rape and murder, after she bore

;;; him a child, who became the source of much of his power, until Alice,

;;; with the help of some of the others, including Austin and Clint, killed the

;;; baby.


;;; Hey, it was a dark time!


Austin : [To Alice] My weirdo-stalker radar just over heated.


Content-Type: text/plain; charset=ISO-8859-1

Charlie: [To Jerome, incredulous] THIS [gestures at Alice] is what you do with god-like powers?!


Austin : [Expression of terror dawning] My hair? [Slowly puts his hand to his head to check his hair]


Jerome: Have you got a better idea?

Alice: Er, maybe you could stop it from raining blood? [To the others] It is raining blood, right?

[Strange as it seems, it is actually raining blood.]

Jerome: Ah, it's just drizzle. It'll pass.


Content-Type: text/plain; charset=ISO-8859-1

Charlie: [Dismayed, tries to cover her head] But WHY is it happening in the first place?! Surely this cannot be a good sign.



Jerome: Oh, you know, it's that whole balance thing. I did something nice to save my favourite party, and the universe pushes back a little.


Dur: I sure hope it isn't more babies being pushed to their deaths up there!


Hows yourselves? All good in MIT?

All good here, baby Saya growing fast.

Two things - what is up with Austin's hair if anything? Has it all been shaven off?

and - I am off to Morocco on Sunday until the 6th Nov!




Jerome: [Sighs, irritated] Look, you know, Dur, sometimes good people have to do bad things for the good of the Realms!


Dur: Then maybe the Realms don't deserve to be saved!


Jerome: [To the party] What are you doing with this whiny bitch?


Austin : [Shrugs] We needed a new medic after old Chassers left, and he just started following us. Probably some Path thing, yes?


Austin : He may be whingey, but he has saved several lives.


Content-Type: text/plain; charset=ISO-8859-1

Charlie: [To Jerome, scolding] Shh! I know he seems simple-minded, but he can hear and understand you! [Pats Dur on the head]


Jerome: Sure, but if you consider the number of deaths he has been indirectly involved in, that surely outweighs any good he might have done. Let's kill him!


Content-Type: text/plain; charset=ISO-8859-1

Charlie: [Steps in front of Dur] We will do no such thing! He is our loyal servant. [To Jerome, worriedly] Now, what can you tell us about Wilhelmina? She does not seem--herself.


Jerome: That's just the problem, she is herself! Why, if I hadn't bravely stepped in to save you guys multiple times, she'd have killed you all!


Austin : [Relieved that his hair is perfect] Do you know why Wil is trying to kill us, and why Alice's perceptions of reality seem to be manifesting?


Clint: It's almost like there's some cruel, spiteful god running the whole thing!

;;; Wow. Sorry all. On the bright side, I feel very, very rested! =)


Jerome: It wasn't Alice's perceptions! It was me, all along, trying to protect you!

Alice: But why would Will want to kill us?

Jerome: Because she hates you.

Alice: Me? Why does she hate me? Everyone loves me! Don't they? [Appeals to the party] Right? I'm a breath of fresh air in an otherwise stuff and overly serious party?


Austin : [To Alice] Absolutely, apart from the 'right' bit. [To Jerome] Why does she hate us?


Jordan: [Standing there in a brown tweed suit, with a matching brown fedora and suede boots] Maybe she just hates everybody? I mean how many times has she met me, and she's trying to kill me too, unless it's guilty by association?

;;; Sorry was having power supply issues yesterday, all sorted now though.

;;; Also, have Jordan and Wil met? My sense of the timeline about what's

;;; happened with which character is a bit screwed up over here.


Jerome: She believes that she is the Abyss. She wants to kill everyone and everything.

;;; I don't think so -- not for any significant length of time anyway.


Content-Type: text/plain; charset=ISO-8859-1

Charlie: [Primly] Well, she wasn't raised that way! [To Alice and Austin] Perhaps that horrid man you both know is brainwashing her!



Jordan: [To Jerome] So what can you tell us about all these holes that are popping up all over?

;;; I didn't think so but didn't want to have Jordan say that in case

I/he was wrong


Jerome: It's the Abyss! We've got to stop it!

[The blood rain gets heavier and heavier, and a massive earthquake strikes.]

;;; Out for about 40 mins


Austin : [To Charlie] Brainwashing? I doubt it. They are probably just bonking. [To Jerome] So you think that she thinks that she is the Abyss, but you think that she is not the Abyss?


Jordan: Who cares?! We need to get in out of this rain and somewhere safe from the earthquake!


Content-Type: text/plain; charset=ISO-8859-1

Charlie: [Gapes at Austin, shielding her head from the blood] Mr. Sleaze, really! She is merely a child. [To Jerome] Indeed, why does she think she is--and why do you disagree?



she is--and why do you disagree?

Dur: And what exactly is the abyss and why is trying to destroy everything,you know besides to spite the Queen's View party?


Jerome: [As the ground starts to shake violently] Because the prophecy said so!

[A huge rip appears between JEROME and party.]

Alice: Hey! Every time he tries to help us, something bad happens!


Jordan: Maybe he should stop trying to help us then. But then, if he stopped trying to help us to stop bad things happening, doesn't that mean he's helping us still? He did say though that the realms are fighting back because we should have been dead and he intervened. [Triumphantly] Ah ha! The Balance!

Alice: [Trying to avoid falling into the massive crevasse that's starting to open] Whatever he's doing right now, he better stop!


Clint: I'm gettin' too old for this! [Tries to drag Alice away from the crevasse.]


Content-Type: text/plain; charset=ISO-8859-1


Charlie: [To Jerome] Indeed, you are abusing your power and knocking everything out of balance! Do get control of yourself before you destroy the world. Remember what happened with Clementine!



Jerome: [Angrily] Clementine is not the problem! It's your disgusting, unholy demonspawn!


Clint: [Helpfully.] He means Wil, Sarge. Like I said, she's going through a hell of a teenage rebellion!


Content-Type: text/plain; charset=ISO-8859-1

Charlie: [Offended] She is NOT disgusting! [More composed] She is troubled, and understandably so. [Dismayed] Oh, if only I could get close to her. I know I could get her to see reason!



Jerome: Aren't you just a genius, Clint? If for some crazy reason the Mother didn't want you alive, I'd have left you die ages ago! [Points a warning finger at Charlie] It's too late to talk to her. Wilhelmina must die.

[JEROME disappears, and the rain and earthquake stop.]

;;; End of Act, next one coming up on THURSDAY.


Content-Type: text/plain; charset=ISO-8859-1

;;; So mean! Poor old Will! : O