[Book IX, Act IV, Scene I. A Reveal. ALICE, AUSTIN, CHARLIE, CLINT, DUR and JORDAN are here, each having appeared naked except for underwear, in mid-air. There has clearly been a Reveal here, and a huge sphere of the earth is gone, causing the party to fall twenty feet onto hard ground.]

Alice: Ow! What the hell happened? Where's the cave?


Charlie: [Pushing herself up off the ground and wincing] Perhaps we were transported to another spot? [Looks around for familiar landmarks]


Clint: Hopefully another spot where we can get some clothes! [Also looks around.]


Alice: How accurate are these time orbs? [Looks up] We probably need to get to the edge of the Reveal to see what's out there.


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Austin : [Sighs] I expect that we have lost the second part of the Prophecy.



Charlie: [Wails] NO! Where is the Manor?! [Looks around for signs of home]


[The party scramble up to the edge of the Reveal and see that the manor is still standing. They can see that there are some people walking around the grounds, but are far enough away to not be able to see who they are.]

Alice: [Points to part of the Reveal] Look at that! A Reveal in a Reveal?

[She's right. It looks like there's a second Reveal overlapping with this one.]


Clint: At least the manor is still there! Let's get a closer look at the people, though!


Jordan: So the prophecy is gone? Disappeared into a Reveal?


Charlie: [Spotting the manor, relieved] Finally, something my family has escaped unscathed!!


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Austin : [Looks around warily] You have heard of tempting fate, have you not?



Clint: [Nods.] I hate to say this, Chuck, but I agree with the lawyer! C'mon, let's check out the house.


[The party approach the gates, and are soon approached by one of the people, all of whom are wearing long flowing robes. This is BRAWNY TALBOT.]

Brawny: Blessed be and blessed all.

Alice: Oh, Charlie! It's worse than they thought, there's churchin' going on this house!


Jordan: Hey toots, what's with all the fancy robe getup? What you doing at Chuckles house?


Brawny: I don't really understand much of what you have said, nor what a Chuckles house is, but you are welcome to the Birthplace of Serenity, the Origin of the Abyss.


Charlie: [Puzzled] Birthplace of Serenity? You mean that local horse that won the Apraxia Derby?


Brawny: Oh no, we Abyssinians would never celebrate something as sinful as gambling.


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Austin : [To Charlie] Oh dear, religious fanatics always make the very worst kind of squatters. I am happy to act on your behalf, for a small fee.



Jordan: [Rolling his eyes] Chuckles is her [points to Charlie] Charlie Parker-Kensington, and that is her home.


Brawny: [Lighting up] Really? Is this The Mother?


Charlie: [Uneasily] In the sense that I am The Mother of Wilhelmina, yes. Though, as it happens, three mothers live here. [Looks around for Helena and Gertrude] Did my mother and grandmother invite you to stay here?


Brawny: Oh happy day! I don't know about those people, but I was personally invited here by The Abyss.


Jordan: The Mother of who?

;;; Anyone else having flashbacks to the YTG's and them thinking Alice

was The Mother?


Alice: Hey! I thought I was The Mother!

Brawny: The Mother of The Abyss.

;;; Alice certainly is!!


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Austin : [Casually checking his nails] Well it is a pretty cool name, if a little geeky. I guess 'Wil' didn't really make the grade as a demon overlord name.



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Austin : [Shudders] Can someone please explain to the doctor why he cannot be a mother! [Looks disgusted at the thought]



Jordan: [To Dur] You smell too bad for anyone to want to touch you.


Dur: That's not what my wife said!


Charlie: [To Dur, patting his head] Of course she did! [To the others in a low voice] Do let him have his delusions. They are all he has!


Alice: Hey, any wedding that has less killing than mine has to be good. Although, [a little huffily] I *did* give each of you a present at mine.

;;; She's referring to the powers from Bonald she gave each

;;; party member (except Jordan)

Brawny: I don't understand your strange ways, but I welcome you nonetheless. Is she really the Mother of The Abyss?


Charlie: [To Brawny, haughtily] How could you welcome me to my own home?! If you have not received permission from my family to reside here, you should not be here. I must ask you to vacate immediately.


Brawny: You clearly do not have the Peace of The Abyss yet, so I take no offence at your harsh words. Perhaps you would like to discuss this with the Shepard?

Alice: Discus this? What's that? Some religious ceremony that involves getting down on our knees? Well, I can tell you, fool me eight times, shame on you, fool me nine, shame on me!

Brawny: [Smiles] No, I said "discuss".

Alice: Oh. Huh. Well, that makes much more sense.


Charlie: Indeed, bring us to this Shepherd at once!


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Austin : [Suprised] But surely you need more worshipers?



Jordan: [Groans at Alice and Brawny] I need a drink. Or something stronger.

;;; That's me done for the day


Brawny: Of course you may have a drink. We have a very fine selection. We have water, and, [thinks hard] well, I guess that's all we have, but it's very refreshing. Now, if you'd just like to take off your clothes and put all your possessions into the basket over there, I can take you to the Shepard.


ery refreshing. Now, if you'd just like >to take off your clothes and put all your possessions into the basket over there, I can take you to the Shepa= rd.

Dur: [Already has his clothes off] Wait... why are we getting naked?

;;; Conor, how do we get a log in for the wiki?


Brawny: Because we chosen ones relinquish all our possessions.

Alice: All we have is underwear!

;;; Not true -- the only CLOTHES they have is underwear,

;;; but any equipment or weapons they had when they

;;; left is still with them

;;; I'll make one for you! I'll send it to you in a few

;;; minutes -- are you going to make some edits??


;;; Anyone who wants one is welcome, just send

;;; me a mail


Dur: Do we get our possessions back when we're done?

;;; Yeah! Dur's page looks sad and lonely! Much like Dur!


Charlie: [Annoyed] Such as my manor?!


Brawny: [Smiles serenely] I'm sure your manner will improve, and no, once you become an Abyssinian, you will have no use for material objects.

;;; Cool -- you're more than welcome to add to it, as is

;;; everyone to their characters. It's been on the to do list

;;; for a LOOOONG time!


Dur: But I love my material objects!

;;; Well, I'm very vain so I figured I would start adding to my page. Dur needs some character development but I've been playing so long I can barely =

remember everything that has=20

;;; happened ^^;


Clint: [In an insufferably "gotcha" tone of voice.] But water's a material object, isn't it?


Brawny: I don't know about that, you'd have to ask the Shepard.


Charlie: [Disapprovingly] Why, does he do your thinking for you?! [Claps her hands] Now, then! Take us to see him.


Brawny: I don't know, I'd have to ask him. [Points to the basket] But the sacred basket -- you need to put everything in there, especially the gold.

[The party can see that a man wearing similar robes to BRAWNY is approaching.]


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Austin : [Points to the man] Who is that?



Clint: Probably the guy who takes our material possessions from us, for the good of our souls, or something like that.


Brawny: That's right! He's the Shepard.

[Enter SINCLAIR REEVES, who gives the party a quick smile.]

Sinclair: Blessed be, and blessed be all amongst us. How may I be of service?

Alice: [Whispers to the party] Oh, god, he's an old boyfriend of mine. Awk-ward!

;;; Most of the party met Sinclair and Bruni and Darius'

;;; wedding, and an awkward situation developed when both

;;; Austin and Alice said that Sinclair was an ex of theirs.

;;; Sinclair confirmed this, although he clearly didn't remember

;;; Alice, but did manage to come up with Austin's name.


Clint: Well, for one thing, you could tell us what you people are doing in Chuck's house?


Sinclair: Ah, you must be new to the Abyss. This is now a sacred place, the birthplace of the Abyss. [Smiles at the party] And, of course, I know who you are. Everyone believed that you were dead, what with you being gone for so long.


you are. Everyone believed that you >were dead, what with you being gone for so long.

Dur: Your face is about to become the sacred birthplace for my fist if you don't start making some sense soon pal! How long have we been gone?=20


Brawny: Please don't be aggressive with the Shepard!

Sinclair: [Holds a hand up to Brawny] That's okay, my child, he is just confused. I don't know how long you've been gone, but from what Gertrude and Helena said, I'm thinking three months or so.


Jordan: Three months? Feels like only a few hours! A day at the most! [Shaking his head] So, before we can come in, we have to take off our underwear and be totally naked? Just with out underwear being out only possessions right now.


Charlie: [To Sinclair, relieved] Oh, then you DO know my grandmother and mother! And they are safe? [Skeptically] And living with all of you in the Manor?


Sinclair: Of course, of course they're safe. However, they chose not to share in our peace. Why don't you come inside? [To Brawny] We can make an exception for The Mother, I'm sure.

Brawny: But Shepard, what about rule #4?

Sinclair: [Calmly, but firmly] What about rule #37?

Brawny: [Drops her head] I'm sorry. I'll fetch the cane.

Sinclair: [To the party] Come on, we can talk inside. [Starts to walk towards the manor]

;;; Although just in their underwear, remember, as in #04.01.038, the

party do have

;;; any items that they had with them before jumping back in time.


Charlie: [Follows Sinclair] Indeed, and I should like to know where my family is now staying, as soon as possible.


Sinclair: Of course, of course, but I'm sure you'll understand, we'll need to establish that you really are The Mother.


Jordan: [Irritably] Look Shepard, stop fannying about and take us to Charlies family, immediately.


Sinclair: [Gives Jordan a smirk] No. I will take you to the Seer, she will identify if The Mother is truly amongst us.

Alice: So, what happens to all the material possessions people give up?

Sinclair: It costs a lot of money to run an operation like this. You know, bread and water isn't cheap.


Charlie: I see. And what is the aim of your organization?


Jordan: [Scoffing] To be as perverted as possible of course, by telling people to get naked before they can join them,


Dur: In that case, are we sure Alice isn't the Mother! [Guffaws] Am I right?!

;;; Conor did you see my last e-mail last night about the wiki?


Alice: [Laughs] Yeah! [Thinks for a moment and slowly stops laughing] Hey! What's that supposed to mean?

;;; Yep, I think I know what's wrong, I'll try to get to it this morning


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Austin : She was 'The Mother', just a different one. I expect that there are many millions of mothers around. [Frowns at the basket] Whilst I enjoy the freedom and natural feeling of nudity, I choose to keep my belongings and abstain from this ephemeral cult. [Takes his pants off, but keeps them]



Charlie: [Nods at Austin's words] Quite sensible! [To Sinclair] I do not see why I should need to prove my maternity to you, given that you have rudely displaced my family from their home.


;;; Pants to Dom are underpants -- right? Apologies if I'm wrong!

Sinclair: [Looks Austin up and down] Mm-mm! [Leads the party to the house] This will take just a moment.


Sinclair: I didn't displace them, The Abyss did. I'm just a humble advisor.


Dur: Advisor to whom?


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Austin : [To Sinclair] Tart.



Sinclair: [To Austin] Creampie. [To Dur] Why, to the Abyss, of course.


Dur: Soooo..... The abyss is a person?


Jordan: [To Dur] Stay out of my head jackass? [To Sinclair] Man or woman? I'm guessing since you are The Shepard, that makes The Abyss actually The Farmer?


Sinclair: The Abyss is the person you knew as Wilhelmina.


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Austin : [Smugly] My brilliance is only out shone by my beauty.



Jordan: [Increasingly irritated] Who in the realms is Wilhel-whatever? Never heard of them.

;;; She's only ever been called Wil around Jordan that I remember


Charlie: [To Sinclair, aghast] MY Wilhelmina? What a dreadful thing to say! She is a perfectly normal half-demon teenager, [delicately] albeit a bit troubled recently. She is hardly the equivalent of a gaping cavern of nothingness!!


Clint: Maybe it's one of those teenage acting out in rebellion by starting a cult phases?


Alice: [To Jordan] Wilhelmina is Will, Charlie's daughter. She's a *fairly* normal half-demon teenager.

Sinclair: [To Charlie] You surprise me. If you really are her mother, you would be proud of her ascension.


Charlie: What do you mean, ascension?! What significance does Will have to you and your followers?


Jordan: [Scoffing while rolling his eyes] Thought that would have been obvious Charles! They like to kiss her ass and brown nose to her, and then when it's all said and done they will sacrifice her earthly body to some other deity and eat her flesh. I thought you were meant to be an expert demonologist?


n it's all said and done they will >sacrifice her earthly body to some other deity and eat her flesh. I thought you were meant to be an expert demonol= ogist?

Dur: Could we speak to the abyss?


Clint: [Under his breath.] We might have to tell her that she's grounded, for example.


Charlie: Indeed, I would like to see my daughter. She has been behaving very badly of late.


Dur: Oooooooo! Someone's in TROUBLE!


Jordan: [Twitching, speaking through gritted teeth] Yeah, you, if you don't stop stating the bloody obvious!


Sinclair: [Leading the party into the house] Oh, The Abyss isn't here. And, as for her significance, why, I would have thought it obvious, if you really are her mother. She's going to become a God.


Jordan: Going to be? What's the hold up? She not been able to figure out which cloud or mountain she wants to sit on as a throne yet?


Clint: Can you tell us where Wil went, so we can... uh... talk to god?


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Austin : Nice work if you can get it. [Casually checks his nails] What kind of god? A rock god? A fashion god?



Sinclair: [Smiles] You would do well to not mock The Abyss. [Pushes open a door] The Seer awaits. She will tell if one of you really is The Mother.

Alice: Yeah? And what are her qualifications?

Sinclair: Three years telling fortunes with BT Parnum's Travelling Circus.

Alice: Cool! I love these guys!


Charlie: [With a sniff] I can assure you that--after nearly 24 hours of labor--I am most certainly her mother. Additionally, she has the Parker-Kensington forehead. [Warily] And what makes you think she is a god?


Clint: Blind fanaticism?


Sinclair: Oh no, something *way* more convincing than that. An ancient book, written many years ago, and translated and retranslated many times over.


Jordan: [Skeptically] Which book exactly?


Sinclair: The Abyss.


Jordan: So what you are saying is, this book, that has been translated and restranslated only the realms knows how many times, is supposedly about and named after Willhelmina? A book of prophecy?


Sinclair: [Gives Jordan a quick smile] Five thousand cult members can't be wrong.


Charlie: [Sharply] Oh, I can assure you any number of people can be wrong, particularly when it comes the interpretation of ancient writings! And, as the child's MOTHER, I can assure you that Will is a flesh-and-blood half-demon, not a divine being!


Jordan: [Smirking] They can if they are all following the same book and the book happens to be wrong, dumbass.

;;; Out for a few hours, maybe rest of the day.


Sinclair: I'm sure we could be, and that would certainly make me feel foolish. However, you should go speak to the Seer. [Another smile] I need to administer a severe spanking to Brawny and then do the accounts. [Gestures to the door in front of them]


minister a severe spanking to >Brawny and then do the accounts. [Gestures to the door in front of them]

Dur: Sure thing! Before we go though, can you tell us where this "book" wasfound?


Sinclair: Of course. It was liberated from HARMA in Queens View a few months ago. [Opens the door and calls in] Seer, we have some people for a reading. [To the party] Please go in.


ng. [To the party] Please go in.

Dur: [Aside to the party] I wonder where HARMA found it and if it has anything to do with the half of the prophecy we lost. [Turns to enter the room]


Charlie: [Excited] Oh! Could we see that book? We should like to study it very much.


Dur: No! YOU would like to study it very much. YOU! [Shakes his head] =20


Alice: Hold on sec, Dur, let's not be hasty. [To Sinclair] Are there many pictures in this book?

Sinclair: No.

Alice: [To Charlie] You're the one who wants to study it, you! Not us!

Sinclair: I believe that they were originally discovered by a Prof. Hilliard-Montgomery-Carthington II. He donated them to HARMA.

Alice: Hey! That's Deucie! And he didn't donate them! They were stolen, by Austin's girlfriend!


Charlie: [Nods] Indeed, I am surprised HARMA would let go of them!


Jordan: [Annoyed] Don't you people listen? He said they were liberated, therefore they were stolen back from HARMA! [Sounding exasperated] Look, let's just go and see this Seer person and get to the bottom of everything already.

;;; Would Jordan have met Deucie since he was a Prof?


Alice: Yeesh, Jordie! I think someone got out of the wrong side of the bed this morning. [Pause] And by someone, I mean you. [Pause] And by this morning I mean whatever morning you last got up. [Pause] And by wrong side I mean you're not exactly exhibiting a sunny disposish. [Pause] What the hell is wrong with you, anyway?

;;; Yes, but only briefly. He would know that Deuce was once the

National Chief of

;;; Science and Stuff for HARMA, but was fired some months beforehand.


Clint: We can worry about attitude problems some other time, Bimbo! We've got a book of prophecy to not read! C'mon, guys, let's get this over and then get as far away from these freaks as we can.


Jordan: [Annoyed] Wrong with me? [More annoyed] Wrong with me? [Starts to hold the bottom of his back] There is nothing wrong with me! [To Clint] Ah, finally, someone who talks sense!

;;; Cool. Thanks Conor


Alice: If you think Clint talks sense, then there's definitely something wrong with you!

[Exit ALL into the room.]

;;; End of scene, next one coming up!


[Book IX, Act IV, Scene II. The Seer's Room. ALICE, AUSTIN, CHARLIE, CLINT, DUR and JORDAN enter a darkened room, filled with all sorts of New Age nonsense, reeking of various incenses and with deafening noises of whale sounds being piped in from somewhere. A mysterious female voice drifts from the darkness.]

Voice: [Barely audible over the sound of all the miniature waterfalls and fountains that pack the room] Who wants the Seer?

Alice: Seer? I can barely hear her!


Clint: Shouldn't the Seer know that already?


;;; Heather's out

Charlie: This is all clearly flim flammery and nonsense!


Jordan: [Exasperated] I don't have time for this shit! [Storms out of the room]


[The door slams behind him, and an awkward moment passes.]

Alice: Er, let's see her.

[The party advance slightly and see MOLLY MUNTER, a hippyish looking woman with long white hair, who slowly sways from side to side, sitting cross legged.]

Molly: [Intoning] Tell me what you wish.

Alice: I'm kinda wishing you didn't wear a skirt.


Clint: And does the word "Bacek" mean anything to you?


Dur: And is she [points to Charlie] The Mother? We actually have quite a few questions, this could take a while!


Molly: Step closer that I may fully see th- woah! What the hell? The Mother is definitely here! [Looks terrified]


Charlie: [Exasperated] Of course I am The Mother! I told you people I was in labor for nearly 24 hours!! Now, WHERE is my daughter?!


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Austin : Yes, take us to her swiftly, we do not tolerate delays! [Casually checks his nails]



Dur: Does the Seer seem scared by that to anyone else? What does all this mean?


[MOLLY jumps up and back from the party.]

Molly: What is this? I'm sorry! I swear! I didn't know any of this was real!


Dur: Soooo.... you ARE a charlatan?


Molly: Yes! Yes! I'm sorry! Whatever you're doing, make it stop!

[The sky grows dark and there is a huge clap of thunder.]


Jordan: [Comes charging in, all jolly and hyper] Wow! That Shephard guy is really spanking Brawny hard if he can make it sound like thunder! [Busts out in fits of laughter]


Charlie: [Puzzled] WE aren't doing that! [To the others, unsure] Are we?


Dur: It certainly isn't me!


Alice: [Does a double take on Jordan] It isn't me, and I don't think it's a spanking sound. Not fleshy enough.

Molly: [Opens a window and climbs out, even though they're on the third floor] I'm sorry! Please! Make it stop! [Starts bleeding from her ear]


Charlie: [Tries to grab Molly] Wait! That fall could kill you! What's happening to you?


Molly: Nooo! I'm sorry! [Leaps out and lands head first onto the huge flagstone below]

Alice: [Turning away] Ew! [Peeks out again] What's going on? Look at the sky! Look at the cultists!

[The sky has turned almost black, and the cult members are racing back towards the house. The thunder is getting louder and cracks of lightning flash through the sky.]


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Austin : I think it might be time for Mummy to have that little talk with Wil. [Looks alarmed at the events]



Alice: What about having a little talk with those guys? [Points at the horde of men in black hoods, charging towards the manor on horseback, killing any cultist who tries to get in their way or to wish them Blessed Be.]


Jordan: [To Alice, a bit flirty] Perhaps you can help me find out the difference in sound later then. [At the sky] Wow, so pretty. I don't think I've seen anything quite so beautiful before.


Alice: Look, Jordan, this hardly the time for -- uh, [gets girlishly flirty herself] I suppose, I might, if you [ducks as a huge rock is thrown through the window and almost hits her] What the hell?


Charlie: Get away from the windows! [Tries to go outside to investigate]


[The party creep into the hallway, where SINCLAIR appears, cane in hand.]

Sinclair: What's going on?


Jordan: [All cheery] Oh not much, just loud thunder, beautifully dark skies, bad-ass cultists killing your loving cultists. They're storming us right now actually. Though their aim could do with some improvements, they can't hit a non-moving target to save their faith [busts out laughing]


[A stray arrow flies through the window and strikes JORDAN in the shoulder, knocking him to the ground.]

Alice: Jordan!

Sinclair: I see.


Jordan: [Pain in his face but laughing non-the-less] Well, at least it wasn't my knee!


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Austin : [To Jordan] Well I am glad you are having such a great time, but people are dieing, and we appear to be next in line, [To all] shall we get out of here?



Dur: [To the rest of the group] Is he acting stranger than usual?


Alice: A lot! Grab him and pull him back from the window!


Jordan: [Starts to crawl away from the window with one hand on his knees] Okay, it really hurts. We should really consider wearing armour instead of clothes or just our underwear in future.


Sinclair: Who are they? [To the party] Did you bring them here?


Charlie: We don't know! We came alone. [Readies her sword] Let us meet our attackers!


Sinclair: Are you crazy? There are too many of them!


Dur: I agree with the whack job! Maybe we can set a trap for one of them sowe can get some answers before we get the heck outta here?


Clint: As long as our trap doesn't involve us getting hit by arrows, I'm all for it!

;;; Sorry all. Had a middle of the night smoke detector emergency.


Sinclair: I hope that "us" doesn't include me.


Clint: [Gives Sinclair a dirty look.] That's right. Run away. We'll take care of this!


Jordan: [To Shephard] You mean you want to be hit by an arrow? Damn boy! Are you crazy?


Charlie: [To Sinclair] Fairly quick to abandon your people, are you not?! We must try to evacuate them at once.


Sinclair: Best of luck with that. I shall wait here. [Climbs into a closet under the stairs]

Alice: Where can we evacuate them to? They won't all fit under the stairs, will they?


Dur: Maybe we can cause a distraction to allow them to escape?


Charlie: Good thought, but we need an escape plan, too! [Excited] Oh, let us go to the Manor's sanctuary! We can shelter safely there, once we have distracted our attackers!


;;; Drew's out

Jordan: How will we distract them?

[There is a sudden huge flash of green light coming from inside the stairs closet where SINCLAIR went.]

Alice: Maybe like that? Except, you know, not under the stairs?


Dur: What's going on in there?=20


Alice: Something crazy with Brawny, no doubt!

[Enter BRAWNY, from a different door.]

Brawny: Where's the Shepard?


Charlie: Hiding under the stairs! Perhaps you should join him?


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Austin : [Frowns] That green flash may have been Sinclair using an orb? [To Brawny] Perhaps you should stick with us!



Brawny: Oh ye of little faith. The Shepard would never abandon his flock. [Opens the closet door] Hey! Where is he?


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Austin : He is nothing but a charlatan and a trickster that used your faith to control you! Now, come with me and I shall protect you! [Readies his sling]



Clint: I think he's abandoned his flock. Now go and get your fellow freaks out of here without him!


Brawny: Oh, thank you so much! But where can we go? Those people are coming in every direction? Where is this sanctuary that you speak of?

;;; The sanctuary is where the party sheltered from Nanna Willa in

;;; Book VII, Act VII, and is within easy reach of where they are now


Jordan: Yes Chuckles, where is the sanctuary? Probably best if we run now, wouldn't you agree? [Tries to pull the arrow from his shoulder] Anyone know any healing spells? I'd do it myself but a bit awkward with the wound being in my shoulder.


Charlie: [Dramatically] Follow me! [Heads for the sanctuary]


[The party follow CHARLIE to the sanctuary, which is just like an ordinary room. BRAWNY follows, telling several other cultists to follow them.]

Alice: [Looking around the room, which is quite luxurious and which has a surprisingly well packed drinks cabinet] Huh! Looks like this place is ready for the long haul, eh?


Clint: Not bad, Sarge, not bad! I'll just find something for that shoulder. Yeah, that's it. [Heads for the drinks cabinet.]


Charlie: [Beaming] Yes, Pestilence thinks of everything, doesn't he? There should be a shelf filled with board games as well! [Excited] Oh, perhaps a game of charades?!


Alice: I've got one! [Pretends to throw up] I'm pretending like I'm being sick!


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Austin : It's more fun if you let other people guess. [Casually checks his nails]



Clint: [Brandishing a bottle of whiskey.] Are we really going to hide in here while all those guys outside do who knows what to the place?


Jordan: Oh if only Harvey was here. I bet the Colonel would have a brilliant and cunning plan for just this sort of situation.


Alice: Hey look! There are sandwiches!

[The sanctuary is soon full of white robed cult members, all of who area clearly terrified. Some of those in the black cloaks appear at the door, but seem to understand that this is a sanctuary, and hold their position.]

Alice: [Eating a sandwich as she calls to one of them] Hey! What's going on? [No answer]


Charlie: [To the black cloaks] Why do you attack us? We have done nothing to you!


Clint: Well, technically, they haven't done much to us yet either!


Jordan: Excuse me? Have you forgotten already that they shot me in the shoulder with an arrow? [Holds up the blood smeared arrow]


Brawny: They've killed dozens of members of our flock! If we weren't safe in here, they would kill us too!

[The hooded men remain dead quiet, and the party can hear footsteps approaching, getting increasingly loud.]


Charlie: [To the hooded men] We have loads of food in here, you know! You won't be able to wait us out!


Clint: No. Like I said, haven't done *much*.


[Another figure approaches, again wearing a black hood, but their hood is more ornate than the others. They all to look at that figure, clearly waiting for a signal.]


Charlie: [To the ornately hooded figure, warily] One assumes you are in charge? What do you want from us?!


[In one swift and dramatic movement, the figure sweeps back their cloak and produces a lit torch. It is WILHELMINA, looking slightly older than when the party last saw her.]

Wilhelmina: Hello, Mother. [Throws the torch into the sanctuary and turns away, calling to the hooded figures] Burn the place to the ground. Kill them all.

<P><a href=http://queens-view.com/wiki/index.php/Wilhelmina_Parker-Kensington-Sotot>Wilhelmina</A>

;;; End of scene, and there we will pause until Thursday next week (20th June)

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hello! http://ctcplaza.com/rnokyxb/qke/vsd/cpgx.html Rachel Greystone


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,,I have a proposal of mutual benefit for you.



Alice: Hah! Shows what she knows! The sanctuary will protect us from the fire, right? [Looks around at the others] Right?

;;; Almost certainly not!


Dur: [To Charlie] How did you never teach her not to play with fire?!


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Charlie: [Defensively] Of course I did! [Hesitates] Though Pestilence DID teach her how to eat fire as well, which rather undercut the lesson. [To Will, scolding] You should be helping us, NOT trying to kill us, dear. Remember the rules?!



Clint: Yeah, doc. Now's not really the time to point out to Charlie that she's an awful mother!


Jordan: Sorry Alice, but if they are simply burning the room with us in it, it is then second hand damage, or collateral damage. It only protects us if they are trying to hurt us directly I'm afraid. [Pulls out his lute and casts Flare in front of Will's minions]


Alice: No! Don't a sp!

Minion: What's a sp?

Alice: I was going to say spell, but I thought I wouldn't have enough time, so figured I'd just say sp instead, as it is shorter.

Minion: Although with all this explanation, you probably had plenty of time.

Alice: True, and it would have been better used if I had explained to Jordie that casting any spell from the Sanctuary would probably make it affect him, and not you guys.

Minion: Yeah, it's a bit of a waste of ti.

[There's a flash of light concentrated on JORDAN, that almost knocks him over, and certainly dazzles him. The minions dash off, and WILHELMINA is gone.]

Brawny: What will we do? The Abyss has abandoned us! The house is starting to collapse! The fire is getting closer! [Rubs her ass] And The Shepard promised me three more!


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Austin : [Swiftly tries to spank Brawny 3 times. To the others] Dowse the flame!



Brawny: [Shocked at Austin's inappropriate behaviour] Please! He was caning me, not spanking me. [Folds her arms huffily]

[Everyone, including the Abyssinians sheltering in the Sanctuary, tries to dowse the flames, but they are getting worse.]

Abyssinian: We're all gonna die! O Blessed One, why have you abandoned your loyal followers?


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Austin : [To Brawny, still trying to spank her] And do you have a cane? Well, then this will have to do!



Brawny: It wasn't a cane, it was his Holy Curing Stick!


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Austin : [Stops to wipe his brow with a handkerchief] Well, I was just trying to help! [Looks for another exit, trapdoors etc] Is there any safe way out of here?



;;; Heather's afk

Charlie: No! This room was designed as a hiding place from Nanna Willa -- not for a full assault like this.

Brawny: It must be a test! Perhaps we should all pray to The Abyss for her protection?


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Charlie: [To Brawny] Yes, you do that, and the rest of us will do something constructive! [To the party] Perhaps we had better make a run for it? Does anyone see a path forward?



Alice: Nothing!

[The ceiling begins to collapse, but it suddenly looks as though there is an invisible barrier overhead, and the party and those closest to them are protected, from the rubble and from the heat.]


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Charlie: [Looks up, surprised] What?! [Hopefully] Perhaps Pestilence made an upgrade to the sanctuary during renovations! This isn't the Manor's first fire, after all!

;;; Gone for the next hour or so!



Alice: It looks like it'll be the last, though!

[The entire manor is ablaze, and seems to be burning unnaturally quickly.]


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Alice: It looks like it'll be the last, though!

[The entire manor is ablaze, and seems to be burning unnaturally quickly.]

Charlie: [Wails] Why does this keep happening to us?! And what on earth has happened to poor Will to make her so angry?



Dur: Ahhh, teenager angst [he says wistfully] .


Alice: Teenage angst is wearing black nail varnish and pretending you love some Emo called Hyperion. This is way worse than that!

[The manor is now reduced to a smouldering mess.]

Alice: What the hell just happened? And, [looks behind her] does my ass look big in this?

[She's right, it does look noticeably bigger. Not colossal, but considerably more round than before, particularly given that everyone is wearing just their underwear.]


ring just their underwear.]

Dur: Sheesh, what is it with you and parts of your body growing! Is it somekind of early warning system?


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Charlie: [Gasps] Perhaps you are pregnant! One's body goes through extraordinary changes, and quite rapidly!



Alice: [Points to her stomach] Isn't this the part that's supposed to grow? [To Dur] Maybe it is an early warning system, but for what? What?

Brawny: Oh happy day! We have been spared by The Abyss!


Dur: Don't ask me, it's your body! [Looks at Brawny] Maybe it's a spanking alarm.=20


Brawny: It is a sign that we are the chosen ones! [Walks out across the smouldering ash] See how we are protected? And look! The Abyss returns! [Points to the distance, where Wilhelmina is clearly riding back towards the party, accompanied by dozens of her minions]


ts to the distance, where Wilhelmina is clearly >riding back towards the party, accompanied by dozens of her minions]

Dur: [Clearly panicking, arms flailing] Perhaps NOW is the time for our patented brisk retreat?!


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Austin : The sanctuary has been pretty good so far, where else can we retreat to?



Alice: Good point -- although, maybe someone might need to pee soon? [Thinks] Oh God, I think I might need to pee!

[The charge continues for a moment, but abruptly stops, as WILHELMINA pulls up her horse, and clutches at her head. There is a quick exchange between her the others, and they turn and race off.]

Alice: What just happened?


Clint: Say, we don't have another of those orbs handy, do we?


Alice: I don't think we need them!


Dur: [Calming the further Wil gets away from the group] Add another mysteryto the pile. Why is Charlie's daughter acting like that? And what do we ha= ve to do to start getting some answers around here?


Clint: [To Charlie.] Is there some way of talking sense into your kid? Some family member, say, who acted like a parent while you were off saving the world with us?


;;; Heather's out for a bit

Charlie: Perhaps Mother or Grandmother could shed some light on the matter, but I'm not sure where they might be. There is certainly something very disturbing going on -- and I'm not just referring to the poor fit of Alice's underwear.


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Austin : It looked like the poor girl had the most awful migraine. [Has a good look at Alice's underwear] I see what you mean.



Alice: [Starts rooting through her bag to get some clothes] Hey! How come I'm the only one changing? And why did Will get the migrane? Did someone cast a spell?


Clint: All good questions, Bimbo. Let's add them to the list! [Pauses.] Could Jerry be behind this somehow?


Alice: He could, but why? Although, whatever stopped the fire saved our lives, didn't it?


Dur; Sure did! But I didn't cast it! [Dur tries to cast DETECT MAGIC to seeif he can discern any useful information]


[The whole smoking ruin glows; there has clearly been a lot of magic cast here recently.]

Alice: So what now? We need someone to tell us what's been going on for the last few months, but who? [Looks at Dur] Him? Hardly!


Dur: Well something went on here! [Turns to Brawny] When did your order start living at the house? And where did her previous occupants go?


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the last few months, but who? [Looks at Dur] Him? Hardly!

start >living at the house? And where did her previous occupants go?

Charlie: And what have you done to my daughter to make her behave so aggressively toward me?!



Brawny: She spared us! You are The Mother -- and we are the Chosen Ones! [Smiles happily at Dur] We have been here for about a month. I believe the previous occupants went to Apraxia.


revious occupants went to Apraxia.

Dur: [To Charlie] Maybe we'll find the rest of your family in Apraxia then?At least they should be able to fill us in on what the hell is going on ar= ound here...


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Charlie: [Irritably] Of course I am her mother! And I do not think she spared us, rather some excellent planning by her father did. [To the party] Let us go and find Mother and Grandmother at once!



Clint: [Nods.] Let's go! And let this be a lesson to all of us about having demon children!


Dur: Surely if my wife and I ever parent a child, we will take Charlie's lessons to heart!


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Austin : [Goes pale at the thought] Perhaps some sort of long distance relationship would be more appropriate?

;;; out all day tomorrow!



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Alice: Yeah, but those particular duties don't lead to kids. Click-click! Anyway, Dur, for the sake of us all, promise me you'll never impregnate that lovely wife of yours! [To the others] So where do we go? Apraxia? But where?


Jordan: [To Charlie] Do you have any family there they might have gone to stay with for a bit?


Alice: Or maybe check out the Finley guy? Isn't he in Apraxia?


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Charlie: Indeed, perhaps we should seek out Alistair. He will be able to help us fill in some gaps. [To Jordan] My family has always largely lived on the estate, [sadly] though there are few of us left now!



Last from heather 116

the estate, [sadly] though there are few of us left now!

Alice: Maybe if you didn't all live in the same place it wouldn't have been so easy to pick you all off?=


Last from Conor 117

Jordan: I hate to say it Charlie, but Alice does have a valid point.


Clint: It helps when you're not killing each other off, too!


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Charlie: [Defensively] To be fair, historically that was NOT the done thing. And Wilhelmina is clearly [clearly grasping] somewhat troubled and in need of help.



Brawny: Oh, The Abyss does need our help. We must be there for the Reveal.=20


Clint: Yeah, and this time we're going to be the ones who give it to her! No more letting her demon father teach her the difference between right and wrong!


Alice: Maybe she does know the difference? She just choose to do wrong?

Brawny: She chose to spare us. We are the chosen ones! We are those who will survive The Abyss and live to testify! Come, everyone hold hands and reflect on our good fortune!

Alice: [Mutters to the party] Run! For the love of God, run!


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Austin : I think Wil may be less scary!

;;;; out this afternoon and tomorrow



Brawny: Oh Blessed Be Her Chosen Ones, on this Happy Day!

[Exit the party, running screaming from the manor.]

;;; End of scene, next one coming right up!


[Book IX, Act IV, Scene III. The Road to Apraxia. ALICE, AUSTIN, CHARLIE, CLINT, DUR and JORDAN are here, about a mile from The Manor.]

Alice: I just hope we can find someone in Apraxia who can tell us what the hell is going on!


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Charlie: [Confidently] Alistair will know something! And perhaps we can locate Mother and Grandmother, as well. They must be frantic about poor Will.

;;; Out for the day! Be kind to Charlie!



Alice: I guess they know we're coming, though. Look at that! [Points to some graffiti which says "The Mother is Coming".]

;;; Never!


Jordan: Well spotted Alice. [To Clint] Before we ran away screaming you mentioned about Will's father, our dear Petsy, being a demon. I thought he was an angel again now? You know, when he appeared and took Charlie for a bit because he said Wil was in trouble?

;;; we might have if you hadn't said anything


Charlie: Correct! Pestilence is very much an angel, but he's unfortunately not in a position to be directly involved.

;;; Sure!


Dur: Tragic! Another father uninterested in the raising of his daughter? What's this world coming to?


Alice: It could be worse, Dur, you could have a daughter! [Gives a shiver]


Dur: All in due course, my dear! But let's not focus on my future failings while we could be focused on Charlie's current failings!


Charlie: Don't be ridiculous, Dur. The child is merely traumatised from the deaths of her parents. It is simply a matter of finding her and clearing up this misunderstanding. I mean, it surely was Wilhelmina who spared us back in the house, correct? Although why she would, er, enhance? Extend? Alice's rear, is any one's guess.


up this misunderstanding. I mean, it >surely was Wilhelmina who spared us back in the house, correct? Although why she would, er, enhance? Extend? Ali= ce's rear, is any one's guess.

Dur: [Patting Charlie on the shoulder] Whatever helps you sleep at night, my dear.=20

;;; I think that was three from me.=20


Clint: [Bluntly.] Look, Chuck, the kid's acting out. Making excuses for her instead of setting her straight isn't gonna do anyone any good. Least of all Wil!


Charlie: An explanation is not the same as an excuse, Mr. Scar.

Alice: Hey! Having these weird changes happen to me isn't exactly help me sleep, buddy!


Jordan: No, but they do increase your chances of a man wanting to do something to you that will make it easier for you to sleep.


Clint: Sorry, Bimbo, but one emergency at a time! I say we start with figuring out what the hell's up with Charlie's kid and put your expanding rear on the back-burner, as it were.


Alice: Aw, thanks Jordie! I just hope it wasn't Will!


Alice: Giving me the bum's rush, eh?

;;; Dom is also out today

Austin: We should be more concerned about this graffiti. [Studies his nails] Does this really refer to Charlie?


Clint: Probably. Her daughter's gone and started her very own cult, after all.


Jordan: I'm sorry Clint, but we have no evidence to support that Wil was the one who started the cult, only that she is the center of their attention.


Alice: Then surely we should be able to have minions of our own to carry us the way from here? People to give us free stuff? That would be cool!

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Alice: He's right, Stinky. Cult members are often really weird. You know the saying, you can choose your hair colour, but you can't choose the witless drones who follow your every move, watching, waiting, hoping to find some used underwear. [Thinks] Although if they really wanted it that badly, you'd think they'd be less fussy about how [finger quotes] grey it is.

[Enter ECHO MADOFF, a six foot tall man wearing a baby outfit. The party are now dressed in their normal clothes.]

Echo: 'sup. [Drinks some milk]


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Charlie: [Watches Echo, baffled] Er, good sup to you to, peculiar stranger! Are you attending a fancy dress event?



Echo: [Gives Charlie a withering look] Really? You think I'd have an exposed diaper if I was going to a fancy event?


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Charlie: [Cheerily] I really wouldn't know what your sort of people consider appropriate! Are you a member of any cults, perchance? [Worriedly] Certainly not Wilhelmina's? [To the party] That would be MOST embarrassing! One really hopes for a higher quality of minion for one's children.



Echo: I'm certainly not a member of a cult! I'm a Materialist. [Pronounced "Mayter-eeliest"]


Jordan: And that would be what exactly?


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Charlie: [Whips out a notepad and pencil] And do tell us the aims of your group, date of founding, etc.



Echo: To welcome The Mother. We always existed. We were always children.


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Charlie: [Gives an awkward wave] Greetings! I am Will's mother. [Primly] Now, do dress properly so you do not disgrace the family further!

;;; Out for the next couple of hours!



Echo: I am dressed properly, and I don't know who that Will guy is!


Dur: Perhaps you know her by her proper name, Wilhelmina?


Echo: [Shrugs] Nope.


Jordan: So, The Mother of who, or what, is it that you are waiting for?


Echo: [Dreamily] The Mother of the future, what's who!


Dur: Soooo.... You're just a regular nutter then? Perhaps we should continue our quest elsewhere, this... child? Is obviously of no help to us.=20


Echo: Oh no, I'm a very special kind of nutter. A saved nutter! And really, you need to be more careful, especially if you want to go to Apraxia dressed like [looks at the party with some disgust] that.


sed like [looks at the party with some disgust] that.

Dur: [Sighs] I suppose that you are going to suggest that we HAVE to go into Apraxia dressed like you?


Jordan: And who is The Mother of the future? Who saved you? From what?


Clint: And why? [Looks Echo up and down.] Seriously, why you?

;;; As I explained to Conor last night, am pretty swamped, so not sure

how much from me today. But have taken a break and caught up on posts.

Seriously, why Echo?


Echo: [To Dur] Well, you don't HAVE to! [To the others] She hasn't saved us yet, but she will, once she reveals herself to us!

;;; His sense of style!


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Charlie: [Clearly humoring Echo] I see. And how will you know her when you see her? Perhaps a helpful name badge?



Echo: I don't know, but the Sitter will know her.

Austin: [Rolls his eyes] The Sitter?

Echo: Yes, he looks after us Children.


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Charlie: [Nods warily] I see. And why do fully grown, absurdly dressed men need minding?



Clint: Because they're fully grown, absurdly dressed men?

;;; Zing!


Echo: To protect us from Unbelievers who taunt us.


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Charlie: [Nods knowingly] Yes, there must be many, many people who taunt you! [Shakes her notepad a bit pointedly] Now, could you tell me your key beliefs and aims? And perhaps organizational structure?



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Austin : Does that really matter? There are clearly several cults, each with a 'Mother' worship thing going down. Perhaps Alice is going to be the mother for this cult too? We could just find a good party to go to until this Reveal happens.



Alice: Hey, that's really insulting, Austin! I'm not the mother to a bunch of cult weirdoes -- I was mother to a bunch demon weirdoes with yellow ties from a different dimension!

Echo: Why did they have ties from a different dimension?

Alice: Because the demons were from a different dimension. It was more convenient to simply pick them up there rather than travel here for them.

Echo: Cool. So, one of you is The Mother?


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Austin : Yes, we have two 'The Mothers', for two or more cults. I guess it depends upon which cult you are a member of. [To the party] Why are these cults all the same [Frowns at Echo's clothing] Apart from the freaky clothing.



Echo: Then you need to come see The Sitter! And there are no other groups like ours, none! [Thinks] Well, maybe those guys who dress up as babies are a little bit like us, but they're way more perverse.

Alice: Why?

Echo: Because they like it.


Jordan: Well I suppose we better go see The Sitter. You never know, it might actually be Al.


Echo: Great! Who's good at changing diapers?


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Charlie: [Quickly] Dur!



Alice: [Finishes] Ti Diapers are Dur's speciality!


;;; Wait for it..... waiiiiiiittttt fooooooor iiiiiiiiittttt!

Dur: [A little wistfully] It brings me back to my days living on the streetand visiting the local buffet. Sure it was really just a dumpster that all= us homeless people dug food out of, but it had all the dirty diaper stew you could eat!

;;; Honestly.... you all should just blame yourselves for that one.=20


;;; No, we blame you!

Echo: [Holds his arms up to Dur] Mommy!


Dur: [Eyes narrow] Don't make my summon my wife and have her eat you.


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Austin : Dr TiRag, is there some thing that you have not told us?



Alice: Oh, God, Aus, surely he's already told us everything. Everything!


Dur: But if you weren't paying attention the first time around, I can startfrom the beginning. [Goes into a narrator's voice] I was born in squalor i= n a little mud patch that my family called home. Sure it didn't look like much, but we had all the mud and slop we could eat..... Wait... I don't thin= k that's right.=20


Jordan: [Holding his right hand up so that his forefinger and thumb make a circle] One does not simply tell his friends everything.


Alice: [Watching Dur, fascinated] Tell us more about the slop!


Dur: [Eyes tearing] It was the best slop. Sure we'd have to sneak onto the farm after dark so as not to get caught, and the pigs were viciously territ= orial, but it was worth it! [Glares at Charlie] Why aren't you writing thisdown? Surely my autobiography will be a fantastic contribution to the worl= d of science!


itorial, but it was worth it! [Glares at Charlie] Why aren't you writing this down? Surely my autobiography will be a fantastic contribution to the wo= rld of science!

Jordan: [Pulls out his own notepad and pen] Fear not good doctor, I shall endeavor to capture your memoirs and have them published on your behalf, for a modest fee of course. And make a series of poems based on them too of course. It shall be my third book. The Tragic Tales of Doctor Ti.


;;; Heather's afk

Charlie: [To Dur] I'm protecting the world from you. [To Echo] Please take us to your babysitter, er, young man.

Echo: Sure, but you guys are gonna look weird wearing those crazy clothes.


Jordan: Well we aren't stripping down to our underwear again!


Echo: I should hope not! That would look ridiculous. You would look stupid. Now, come on, I've got a box bonnets and giant inflatable lollipops. [Starts to walk away from the party] Come on, The Sitter will be dying to see you!


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Clint: Say, guys, there's all these cults around, right? I say if there's not already one with Alice as their mother figure, we should start one! Get loyal followers of our own so we can make /them/ deal with the crazies!

;;; Submission tonight, I think, so back to regularly scheduled service




Alice: Sure, but where are we going to find a bunch of mindless morons around here?

Echo: [Waves to the party] Come on! There's a horde of men wearing baby costumes that are dangerously tired and cranky who need urgent help with their diaper rash.


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Austin : Look no further.



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Charlie: [To Dur] Oh, this will be wonderfully fulfilling for you! [Beaming] Pestilence always enjoyed directing nannies to attend to these little domestic chores, and [encouragingly] --with hard work--you can aspire to rise to the same socio-demographic group as those nannies! [To the party, following Echo] Come along, group!



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Last from heather and Dom 65

mestic chores, and [encouragingly] --with hard work--you can aspire to rise to the same socio-demographic group as those nannies! [To the party, followi=

Alice: You jest! Are we really going to persuade them to follow us? Really? Them?=



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Charlie: It will be quite simple! [Sagely] Babies require very little. Offer them a [finger quotes] binky, and they'll be yours!

;;; Out for a couple of hours!



Alice: Ew! What's that? Some sort of drug?


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Austin : [Shudders] It sounds far far more sinister than that!



Alice: [Looks at Echo] Go on then, how bad could it be?

;;; End of scene, next one coming right up!


[Book IX, Act IV, Scene IV. The Creche. ALICE, AUSTIN, CHARLIE, CLINT, DUR and JORDAN are here, slowly following behind ECHO. There is, frankly, a disturbingly large number of adults (both men and women) dressed as babies.]

Alice: O.M.F.B.


Dur: What does that stand for?


Alice: Obnoxious Male/Female Babies.


Dur: Takes one to know one! HA! I kill me!


Alice: [Darkly] I wish you would!


Dur: [Nervously separates himself from Alice by hiding behind Clint] Errr... right. On to trying to influence a cult of baby-men right? Maybe if we br= ibe them with candy and tell them our quest is finding our lost puppy?


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Charlie: Perhaps! Let us find The Sitter first. [Wisely] Traditionally, sitters can be controlled with money and offers of free food.



Echo: No one's bribing anyone until The Sitter watches you.


Alice: That and access to a virtually empty house for fun and games with boyfriends that their parents would disapprove of.

Echo: [Brings


Echo: [Brings the party to a large tent, with two other adult babies outside, each with menacing looking rattles, that he addresses] They say that one of them is The Mother.


Clint: That's right, so behave or she'll do something awful to you freaks, like grounding you for a month or something!


[ECHO looks into the tent for a moment before returning to the party.]

Echo: You may enter, but be aware that False Mothers are likely to be put to death.


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Austin : This is just weird. Plain and simple weird. [Looks at the men in disgust] I wonder what manner of pervert is behind this!



Alice: I thought I was behind it!


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Charlie: [Nods] Indeed, that would explain the sick nature of the arrangement! [To Echo] Certainly, I am no false mother, so I shall enter without concern!




Dur: [Casually] And you should know that most people who try to kill Charlie have wound up experiencing horrifying deaths themselves. Just saying.=20


Echo: And you should know that anyone who has declared themselves a False Mother has had their entrails ripped out through their eyesockets. Just saying. Bitch.

[The party enter the tent, where a creepy looking man, dressed in a scruffy looking raincoat, sits, watching them with binoculars. This is HACKEY EARLE.]

Hackey: Hello Little Children.


Clint: [To the party, eying Hackey.] If he's the Sitter, the parents are clearly nuts!


Hackey: Come on in, there's nothing to be afraid of. Just take off your pants and approach. Slowly.


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Austin : Not likely, pervert! Keep your filthy hands to yourself.



Hackey: I won't touch you with my hands.


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Austin : Great, how about not touching us with your mind or any other part of your filthy pervert existence?



Hackey: Fine. I just need to caress you with my parent stick.=20


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Charlie: We should like to see this stick before agreeing to any terms!

;;; So!disturbing!



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Austin : Like I said, keep your perverted self away from us, including your 'parenting stick', you vile creature.



Hackey: It's cool. There's nothing to be afraid of. I have it here in my pants.


Dur: [Already with his pants off] Wait, what are we doing?=20


Alice: I don't know what you're doing, but the rest of us are keeping our eyes shut!


Dur: Seems dangerous to me!=20


Hackey: Actually, it makes it way less dangerous when people have their eyes closed. Easier sneak up behind them with my Parenting Stick exposed.


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Charlie: Indeed! Now, let us see this Parenting Stick, and then we shall decide our next course of action.



Hackey: Here -- it has been blessed. If it touches The Mother, it will give a sign. [Holds up a knotted stick, about two feet long] Now, who's fi-

[The stick shakes and shudders, before bursting with white light which showers the party.]

Alice: What the hell?

;;; Sometimes I make it too easy!


Dur: [Showered with white light] Ahhhhh! My eyes! He got it in my eyes!


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Charlie: [Giggles] Oh, my! [Hesitates] Though rather alarming and disgusting, giving the context!



Alice: Ew! What's going on? Did his knobbly stick explode?

[When the light subsides, the party can see that this does seem to be the case. HACKEY scrambles at the back of the tent to escape.]

Hackey: Help! Help!


Dur: Aha! [Tries casting HOLD PERSON on Hackey] So the tables have turned Sitter! Now it is you who will feel the wrath of OUR knobbly sticks! Especia= lly Alices!


Alice: Yours won't be the first pair of testicles that I'll knee!

[HACKEY stops dead where he is.]

Hackey: Please! Please don't hurt me! I didn't know it was all real!


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Charlie: What do you mean, The Mother?! So have you been putting scores of people to death?



Hackey: Well... what's a score? I mean, what does that even mean? It's not a proper number, is it? Surely it depends on the game? You know, if it was soccer, then a score might only be one, but if it was smacking naked children with a towel in their locker room, why then [nervous laugh] it could be in the thousands!


soccer, then a score might only be one, but if it was smacking naked children with a towel in their locker room, why >then [nervous laugh] it could b= e in the thousands!

Dur: Ok, so if you don't even believe in the Mother, how did you come to lead this cult? How do they even know about the Mother?=20


Hackey: Everyone knows about The Mother! I just managed to get hold of the Parenting Stick -- I never thought we would ever actually get to witness an arrival!

;;; Gone for the day!


Clint: I think you mean a coming, you sick freak!


Hackey: Whatever! Look, who are you people? Which of you is the Mother?


Dur: Charlie is, of course. At least that is what we have come to think, right?


Alice: [Sulkily] That's what everyone seems to think.


Dur: [Patting Alice] There there, dear girl. I am sure that one day you will also be mother to some horrible monster spawn.=20


Alice: Aw! Thanks Dur! That's so sweet!


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Austin : Except for me. I think that Alice is also 'The Mother', it's simply explained by the fact that the aforementioned mothers are indeed, both, separately, and notwithstanding any other unrelated relationships or informal formalities, each, and equally in their own rights, with respect to several and various known and unknown formal and informal cults or loosely or tightly connected belief systems, mothers in their own rights.



Clint: I don't know what the lawyer just said, but I disagree!


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Charlie: [To Clint] Indeed, that is usually a sensible stance, but he does have a point. Both Alice and I are mothers, in a sense, so it is difficult to know who is meant to be THE Mother to which these cultists refer!



Alice: I don't know, Aussie sound super smart -- and it sounded like he was saying that I win. Or was he trying to sue me?

;;; Drew is out today

Jordan: [To Hackey] Where did you get the Parenting Stick?

Hackey: I don't know what you're talking about.


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Austin : [To Alice] You only win, because you are the best [Winks at Alice. To Hackey] Where did you get the stick?



Clint: [to Hackey.] Well? Spit it out! Dangerous signs of authority shouldn't go to freaks like you!


Hackey: Somebody from HARMA gave it to me! Honest!


Clint: And where did *they* get it from?


Hackey: I don't know! You'd have to ask her! That really mean bitchy woman who was in charge!


Clint: [Surprised as hell.] Lawyer, what was your girlfriend doing giving something like the Parenting Stick to someone like this?!


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Austin : [Indignantly] It was clearly not Amelia, as she is not in the least bit bitchy.



Alice: [Gives Austin a startled look, and then smiles] Oh! For a minute there, I thought you said Amelia!


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Austin : [To Alice, flatly] I did say Amelia.



Alice: Oh. For two minutes there, I thought you said that she wasn't in the least bit bitchy.


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Austin : [Flatly] I did. She is not in the least bit bitchy.



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Charlie: [Laughs merrily] Oh, do be serious, Mr. Sleaze! That would be like saying Pestilence isn't charming! Quite absurd!



Alice: Aw! Poor Austin! You're almost as blinded by love as Charlie is! It's so cute!


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Austin : [Sighs. Mutters to himself] Arguing with fools and the insane is pointless, Austin.



Alice: Austin. Are you arguing with yourself again?

Hackey: So, uh, I'll just slope off then.


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Austin : [To Alice] No, I was commiserating. [To Hackey] Not so fast, charlatan! When did the HARMA officer give you the stick?



Hackey: About two months ago! She said that she knew I had potential, that I was special, and that I should take my hand off her ass.


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Charlie: [Nods] Well, you DO seem like her type!



Hackey: She's a bit old for me.


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Austin : [To the others] There, you see, it obviously wasn't Amelia.



TGFzdCBmcm9tIERvbSAjNjQNCg0KPkF1c3RpbiA6IFtUbyB0aGUgb3RoZXJzXSBUaGVyZSwgeW91 IHNlZSwgaXQgb2J2aW91c2x5IHdhc24ndCBBbWVsaWEuDQoNCkR1cjogSSBiZWxpZXZlIGhlIG1l YW50IHRoYXQgc2hlIHdhcyB0b28gZmFyIGJleW9uZCBwcmVwdWJlc2NlbmNlIEF1c3Rpbi4gDQoN Cg0K


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Austin : Eww, yes I see. Nasty!



Hackey: Don't knock it until you've tried it!


Dur: Is this HARMA officer still in the city? Did she tell you what to do when you found The Mother?


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Charlie: Indeed, what is HARMA's interest in The Mother?



Clint: Maybe you should take us to this woman... We can have the lawyer sweet-talk it out of her.


Hackey: I don't know! She told me that I would be arrested unless I set up a cult and stroked people with my Parenting Stick! Honestly! That's all I know!



Dur: Perhaps we should keep an eye open for Amelia then while we are here looking for Charlie's family. It sounds like she may have some answers about= what is going on.=20


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Austin : Well, since she has been a mile ahead of us at practically every turn, that would be a good idea.



Clint: Maybe you should talk to her alone, lawyer. I get the impression she doesn't much like the rest of us!


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Austin : No Mr Scar, she does not. She has rather good taste. [Casually check his nails]



Alice: But she likes you, doesn't she? Or does she?


Clint: Funny ol' world, isn't it?

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LinkedIn ------------ Date: 7/03/2013 Michael Gallier wrote:

I would like to invite you to join my group on LinkedIn. <br> <br> -Michael

Join Group I don't want to receive these messages: http://www.linkedin.com/e/kvmgke-hiny5c3u-48/VNgiApWUEju0cEe4VGeW7kQ2hjOaPA9/blk/I4886504384_1/tD9MbOYWrSlI/prv/?hs=false

(c) 2013, LinkedIn Corporation. 2029 Stierlin Ct. Mountain View, CA 94043, USA



Hackey: Look, you guys probably don't realise, but there's something you don't know about, that you'd never guess in a million years.


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Charlie: [Super excited] Oh, I love guessing games! Act it out, like Charades! Is it a book? A film?



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Austin : [Worried] Is it something sinister and perverted?



Last from Dom 80

Alice: Is it that you're a child molester?

Hackey: No! It's nothing like that. The truth is [dramatic pause] I'm not really psychic!=


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Last from Conor 81

Charlie: [Sighs] That is precisely as useful as I expected it to be! [All business] Now, where did you last see the HARMA agent you spoke of?



Hackey: At the Psychic Carnival.


Dur: Why would a non-psychic be at a Psychic Carnival? Does HARMA have a base of operations here?


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Austin : [Looks incredulously at Dur] It is very unlikely that there are ever any genuine psychics at a Psychic Carnival, it is simply a means of conning the weak and feeble minded out of a bit of cash. HARMA probably has their treasury there [Giggles]



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Austin : No. [Folds his arms and blows a raspberry at Alice]



TGFzdCBmcm9tIERvbSAjODcNCg0KPkF1c3RpbiA6IE5vLiBbRm9sZHMgaGlzIGFybXMgYW5kIGJs b3dzIGEgcmFzcGJlcnJ5IGF0IEFsaWNlXSANCg0KRHVyOiBJIHRoaW5rIHdlIGhhdmUgZ290dGVu IGFsbCB0aGUgdXNlZnVsIGluZm9ybWF0aW9uIHdlIGFyZSBnb2luZyB0byBnZXQgb3V0IG9mIHRo aXMgY29uLg0K


Alice: Is that your pet name for Amelia?

Hackey: [To Austin] Hey! I object to that! I'm sure that there has at least once been one. If such a thing as a genuine psychic in the first place. Which there isn't. So, hah! See you, suckers! [Tries to run off]


[Exit HACKEY, racing out the main exit.]

Alice: So HARMA and [blows a raspberry] are giving weirdo cult leaders a way to identify this Mother? Why?


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Charlie: The Mother is obviously a figure of power, and HARMA wishes to harness--or more likely control--her! Let us attempt to find that dreadful Amelia and see what she knows.



Amelia and see what she knows.

Dur: What about your family? Perhaps they know where she is?


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Charlie: Certainly, if we can find them! HARMA tends to keep a higher profile, though.



Alice: Do we keep going to Apraxia? Hopefully Dr. Finley will be able to help us, but will we stand out more than a HARMA officer at a fun party?


Dur: Do we have another option? We need answers and all signs thus far seemto point to Apraxia.=20


Alice: [Gives a sigh of frustration] Sigh! Did you see what I did there? I said a HARMA officer at a fun party -- you see, the HARMA guys aren't fun at all, so that's why they'd stand out!


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Charlie: [Nods supportively] Indeed, we found it to be one of your wittiest barbs ever! [To the party] Didn't we, group?



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some smoke rings] We'll need transport to get to Apraxia [Looks around for a carriage]



All: [Barely audible] Mumble mumble mumble.

Alice: Aw! Thanks you guys! Now, are we going to stand out like [stagily] HARMA officers at a party? Or are we going to wear a bunch of baby clothes? Gah! I mean, at a FUN party!


Clint: [Flatly.] We're going to stand out. No way are you people getting me to dress up like a giant baby!


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;;; Your busy GM asked me to pause the game for the day.

;;; The game resumes as normal on Friday. Also, happy

;;; 4th of July to the other Americans in the group!

On Wed, Jul 3, 2013 at 11:27 AM, Tom Henderson <Thomas.Henderson@rice.edu>wrote:


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;;; I'll be away all next week!

On 4 July 2013 07:56, Heather <heather.goggans@gmail.com> wrote:



Alice: You wouldn't be dressing like a giant baby, you'd be dressing like a baby -- you'd just look like a giant baby!

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Austin : Have no fear Mr Scar, no one even wants to go near you, let alone dress you as a baby. [Looks disgusted at Clint's clothes]



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Charlie: Surely all of Apraxia has not gone mad and donned baby clothes!



Alice: We'll see! So, [putting down a flouncy bonnet] er, thank God we don't have to wear this awful stuff.


Dur: Perhaps we should bring the clothes along...just in case?


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Austin : Most kind of you to offer to carry all of the clothes Mr Ti-rag. [To the others] We really must get moving, the world won't save itself!



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Charlie: Quite so, Mr. Sleaze! [Hands Dur a copper piece] Well done! Don't drop any of the nappies!



[Enter ECHO, in a panic.]

Echo: Where's the sitter? There's a madman about!

Alice: About what?

Echo: About to do something.

Alice: Something mad?

Echo: Who knows! Help! You've got to help us! He keeps insisting that he needs a toteschum!


Dur: Well we don't have a toteschum so how can we help?


Clint: Let's go see him anyway. It would be totes a good idea.


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Austin : Indeed, he may have a carriage too.

;;;away all next week!



Clint: [Relieved.] Anything to postpone having to dress up. [To Echo.] Take us to this madman.

;;; Have a good holiday! Or a conference... but I repeat myself.


Echo: To the madman!

[Exit ALL.]

;; End of scene


[Book IX, Act IV, Scene V. The Maternalist Camp. ALICE, AUSTIN, CHARLIE, CLINT, DUR and JORDAN are here, having just come out of the tent with ECHO. FLETCH is here, beating up a man dressed as a baby.]

Fletch: [Wearing an adorable pink onesie] Stop crying, you big baby!


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Austin : [Fletch] Totes mazin onesie, totes chum!



Fletch: Austin! [Sees the rest of the party] Guys! Is it really you? I barely recognise you with your clothes on!


Clint: It's totes us. Can you get us out of this loony bin?


Fletch: This whole world is a loony bin. Totes loon!


Clint: Yeeeees, but it everyone wearing [with great distaste] diapers, or is it just people around here? Anyway, we need you to give us a lift to Apraxia, so let's go!


Fletch: Sure! I've got a carriage here, stolen from a nursery. We can throw some the plants out.


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Charlie: Splendid! Most resourceful. [Starts to hand Fletch a copper piece then hesitates] You did not, ah, violate these defenseless plants, one hopes?



Fletch: They're not all defenceless!


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Charlie: [Shudders] What do you mean, like thorns?!



Fletch: [Leading the party to a covered in carriage] And sap -- some of that stuff really stings. [Opens the carriage and points to a bunch of greenery] Let's dump all that stuff, except [points to one particularly attractive looking plant] for Sarah, of course.


ry] Let's dump all that stuff, except [points to one >particularly attractive looking plant] for Sarah, of course.

Dur: [Beginning to dump plants from the back] You could have come up with something more appropriate for a plant, at least. Like Ivy.=20


Fletch: I rushed into a brief relationship with Ivy, but it was all a bit rash.


Dur: Soooo.... she gave you a rash? If you like, I can schedule you for my next open appointment for emergency surgery.=20


Fletch: No, I gave her a rash!


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Charlie: How on earth--never mind! Do let us clear out the carriage and be on our way. [To Dur] And do try to avoid examining Fletch. Who knows what disease you might catch!



Alice: Wow, Fletch! It would the first time that the patient is in less danger of death than the doctor in one of Dur's examinations!

Fletch: [Proudly] Totes Dange!


Dur: Let's not start all that totes talk again and be on our way!


Austin: You're totes drag, Dur!

[The carriage zooms off, leaving a trail of lonely and unattractive plants behind it.]

Fletch: [To Alice] Totes Ass. Was it Wil?

Alice: [Sighs] I don't know! Things just keep changing!


Clint: Y'know, maybe you should have Dur look at it for you? It could just be medical!


Alice: [Horrified] I hope not! You know, I was once featured inAss Fanciers Weekly, and they declare that I was "ass-essed as having as ass-tounding ass".

[Ass-tounding, as they say, is in the hand of the beholder, and, although it is now definitely larger and rounder, those who prefer curvier types to say, PHOEBE types, would possibly assess this version as ... ass-tonishing.]

Alice: [Worried] What do you think? I'm afraid to show it to Dur, you know, in case he behaves like... well... Dur!


Clint: I promise I won't let him eat you while your, uh, back is turned.


Austin: [Steps between Alice and Dur] Ass legal representative for Al-ass B-Ass-ett Short and her ass-etts, I insist this tomfoolery stop this instant. [To Fletch] Did you ask if Wil was responsible for the change in Alice's appearance.

Fletch: Totes!


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Charlie: What, as some sort of prank? Will's humor runs a bit more in line with Parker-Kensington's in terms of sophistication, in particular word play.



Alice: That's not nearly as sophisticated as the Bassett-Short type pranks -- you know, where Daddy pretends to be all angry about you being arrested and cancels your credit cards?


and cancels your credit cards?

Dur: [Bursts out laughing hysterically] Haw! Good one Alice! [Wiping away atear] I'm sorry, what were we talking about?


Alice: Fletch was just about to tell us why he thinks Will would make my ass bigger!

Fletch: Who knows what runs through a god's mind. Totes God.


Clint: Fletch was just about to tell us why he thinks Chuck's half-demon child is a god.


Fletch: Because there's a whole religion about her! The Abyssinians. They call her The Abyss. Some book was written a brazillion years ago that foretold that she would come.


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Charlie: [Insulted] That is a dreadful thing to call her! And I can assure you, no one could have possibly predicted Wilhelmina's birth. It was all MOST unlikely, Pestilence and I finding one another and building a functioning family.



Alice: I don't know. Remember, there was that prophecy about us -- who could have known that we would be on hand to you-know-what Clementine?


Clint: She's got a point, Chuck. It wouldn't be much of a prophecy if everyone knew it was going to happen all along!


Dur: With all of our bouncing around through time, is it possible that someone wrote the prophecy based on our actual real world actions?


Alice: Maybe, but wouldn't they have made it a bit easier to understand if that was the case? I mean, what a pain in the curvy, juicy ass that was.


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Charlie: [To Fletch] I should very much like to see this alleged prophetic text. Do take us somewhere where we may view it at once!



Fletch: I don't have it, Charlie, it's a sacred text. I mean, do you really think that anyone would trust me with it after what happened with Ivy?


Dur: Is he implying that he would de-flower a holy text? Have you no standards man?!


Clint: Are you really the person to be asking that question, doc? Anyway, where is this sacred text, then? How do you know it even exists?


Fletch: Haven't a clue. You'd probably have to ask the Abyssinians.


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Charlie: Splendid! Take us to their headquarters at once, then.



Fletch: Totes! It'll be totes Fletch for you to see your house again!


Clint: Aha! See there? I told you Wil was starting her own cult!


Austin: [Tuts irritably] Mr. Scar, please! First of all, her name is Will, second, you said no such thing. Third, I believe that [stresses the second L] Will tried to destroy the cult that sprang up around her. I believe that returning to the manor, which is quite possibly still on fire, to be a complete waste of time. [Sits back and considers things for a moment] Unless Brawny is still seeking a caning, in which case make haste, Fletch! Totes Haste!


L] Will tried to destroy the cult that sprang up >around her. I believe that returning to the manor, which is quite possibly still on fire, to be a c= omplete waste of time. [Sits back and considers things for a moment] UnlessBrawny is still >seeking a caning, in which case make haste, Fletch! Totes= Haste!

Dur: Maybe she was trying to keep us from seeing the manuscript?


Alice: By burning it?


Dur: Best way to keep someone from learning something you don't want them to know would be to destroy it right? That's what I used to do with all thos= e malpractice suits....


Alice: You mean the clothes you wore while [finger quotes] operating on people?


Dur: Yes! And the people. Unless they survived... usually.


Clint: People survived your operations?! I'd have thought infection would kill them off if you didn't! Anyway, if [with great emphasis, and an annoyed glare at Austin] Will was just trying to destroy the prophecy, that would explain why she let us go. Although not why she told her followers to kill us, then changed her mind.


Alice: Why don't we just keep going to Apraxia? And maybe Fletch knows where Charlie's Mum and Gran are.

Fletch: [With a dreamy smile] Totes Gert.

;;; No posting for the rest of the week! Normal service from Monday on


Alice: Er, did you have... you know... relations with Charlie's Nana?

Fletch: Totes! That lady sure knows how to use a cane!


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Charlie: [Nods approvingly] Indeed, the Parker-Kensingtons believe strongly in firm discipline! [To Fletch] Where did you last see Grandmother Gertrude?



Fletch: Apraxia! She and Helena moved out of the manor two months ago, when things started to get weird. Er.


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Charlie: Yes, but Apraxia IS a sizable city, after all! Where are they staying? Take us there at once.



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Austin : Totes siza brill! Lets go!



[The carriage sets off.]

Fletcher: They were staying with an old boyfriend of Gertie's. I think you guys met him, right? He's Totes Fin!

Alice: Totes Fin? You mean, Finley?

Fletcher: That's the guy!


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Austin : [Frowns] He was in the other cult, I wonder what he is up too?



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Charlie: There is only one way to find out! [Dramatically] To the laboratory!



Alice: He wasn't in a cult! He was investigating the Reveals -- remember, he was the one who figured out that they were coming from Charlie's house.

[The party are approaching Apraxia.]


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Charlie: With any luck, he and Mother and Grandmother will have learned more by the time we find them!



Dur: [Giggling] Hopefully we don't "find them" in a compromising position!


Alice: Ew! They're mother and daughter, you weirdo!

Fletcher: Yeah, Gertie doesn't like girls. Any more.


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Charlie: [To Fletch, aghast] Do stop smearing the good reputation of my grandmother!



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Austin : [To Charlie] So you would prefer it if we told people that she did like girls?



Alice: You know, I did think she seemed to be checking out my ass the last time we saw her.

Jordan: [Irritably] It's so large she probably couldn't help but look at it.


Clint: I know I would!


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Charlie: [Primly] I would prefer you refrain from commenting on her personal life, period!



[The carriage continues, and the party can see that there are Reveals throughout the landscape.]

Alice: [Taken aback at Jordan] Uh, what's the story with the Reveals, Fletch?

Fletcher: They just keep appearing -- or disappearing, depending on who you ask. They're all over the place now. Probably explains why everyone has found religion.


Clint: When did they start showing up? There must be a reason they're here, right?


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Austin : Something in the Manor was causing them, perhaps? Possibly something to do with Will.



TGFzdCBmcm9tIERvbSAjNjkNCg0KPkF1c3RpbsKgIDogU29tZXRoaW5nIGluIHRoZSBNYW5vciB3 YXMgY2F1c2luZyB0aGVtLCBwZXJoYXBzPyBQb3NzaWJseSBzb21ldGhpbmcgdG8gZG8gd2l0aCBX aWxsLg0KDQpEdXI6IENvdWxkIHdlIGJlIHJlc3BvbnNpYmxlIGZvciB0aGVtIHNvbWVob3c/DQo


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Austin : [Sighs] More likely that we were irresponsible for them.



Jordan: Oh for crying out loud! They started appearing three months ago! Remember? We were trying to find out what was causing them and it turned out that they were all centred on the Manor? Yeesh! Do you people ever pay any attention?


Clint: [Defensively.] A lot's happened since then!


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Austin : Those are not reasons that could lead to the phenomena, those are descriptions of the phenomena. You would know that if you paid attention. [Scans the view from the carriage]

;;;;awa hame



Jordan: Sure. Alice's ass got even fatter, Austin was dickish to people, Charlie was in denial about her crazy husband and daughter, Dur was pathetic and you stank the place up. [To Austin] I was answering Clint's question. You would know that if you were paying attention.


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Charlie: [To Jordan, alarmed] Do calm down! We are all trying to understand what's happening--and with very little information. [Haughtily] And my husband is NOT crazy.



Alice: Yeah! He's just evil! [Gives Charlie a reassuring thumbs up]

;;; Heather is out for a bit

Charlie: [Sigh] He is not evil. Any more.


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[Time passes.]

Charlie: [Clears her throat and then prompts the party] Right?!



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Austin : We don't know, we do not have any evidence to the contrary.

;;;; OOO today



Alice: Uh, sure! We think he's really neat now!

[The party approach Apraxia.]

Fletcher: Now, you guys be careful. [Adjusts his bonnet] You're really going to stand out dressed in those crazy clothes.


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Charlie: [Sighs heavily] I don't suppose you have a spare set of baby clothes about? Preferably several? [Hopefully] Something dignified?



Dur: Of course I do! I've only been carrying them around with us! [Dur pulls out the baby clothes he was given to hold] Nothing dignified though!


Alice: Oh, God, give them here. [Grabs some] Hey! Why is this diaper dirty?


Dur: [Defensive] Well, when was the last time YOU remember stopping for a potty break! A MAN CAN ONLY HOLD IT FOR SO LONG!


Alice: [Face covered in what everyone hopes is chocolate] I didn't think it was chocolate!


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Charlie: [Steps away from Alice quickly. To Fletch] Have YOU any baby clothes we could borrow? Unsoiled?



Fletcher: Totes Romp! [Shows the party a huge bag of adult baby clothes]


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Austin : [Urgently rifles through the bag to find the cleanest onesie that fits him.] Totes relief!



Alice: Wow! These shorts are great! They're really short!

Jordan: [With disgust] That's because they're actual baby shorts!


Clint: [Holds up a onesie with great distaste.] Do we really have to? There's got to be another way!


Fletcher: It's either this or all wear black suits. [Shivers]


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Charlie: [Unreasonably excited] Oh, dear GOD! Yes, let us wear black suits!



Jordan: Why? Is brown too exciting for you?


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Austin : [Hardly believing his luck] Black *suits* my preference! [Chuckles at his own pun]



Clint: I hate to agree with the lawyer, but I agree with the lawyer! [Pauses.] Who's wearing black suits these days?


Fletch: Totes Beats! They hang around all day looking moody and smoking.


Clint: Good enough for me! Take us to get some black suits, Fletch. And step on it!


Fletch: Totes!

[The carriage races towards the gates of APRAXIA, where a bunch of angry looking adult babies stand.]

;;; No posting until about 4PM today!!


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Charlie: [Horrified] What CAN these people be thinking?! Dressing so absurdly, and not even within the context of marital sex play!



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Austin : They may be partaking in some form of incredibly geeky mass role-play sex game?

;;;; out all day



Jordan: You people disgust me!

Alice: Not true! We never talked about you!

[The carriage approaches the university.]

Fletch: Totes League.


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Charlie: [Watches Jordan warily] What IS the matter with you? Your attitude is dreadful.



Jordan: So's your hat. [To Fletch] Totes league? What's that supposed to mean?

Fletcher: The university is legal for the next two hours!


Dur: Meaning it will be illegal after that? Why?=20


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Charlie: [Disgusted] Isn't it obvious? Universities encourage free-thinking, which is detrimental to a cult's hold on its members!



Fletch: Totes! Well, actually, it's more the case that the University is run by various committees, each of which is dominated by various cults. Rather than actually making a decision which cult to believe in, the University instead decided to try a proportional system whereby 20% of the time is deemed completely legal, 5% of time time only legal for those not wearing pants, 60% of the time illegal, 4.9% of the time a playground and 0.1% of the time a large turtle named Dave.

Austin: You can be surprisingly articulate at times, Fletch.

Fletch: Totes!


Clint: So it's not really the next two hours, it's longer than that! As long as we take our pants off. [Looks around the group.] Let's hurry!


Alice: You better mean hurry inside, and not hurry to get your pants off!


Clint: Or both! We're still looking for Finley, right? [Looks around for a student to accost and get directions from.]


[There are even fewer students here that one would expect in the University of Limerick at 9AM on a Friday morning.]

Alice: Maybe he's in the same building he was the last time? I mean, he does work here, right?

Austin: If he works here he's almost certainly not on campus.


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Charlie: Oh, do be serious! Why, just last [frowns] --year, I think it was?--I held office hours on this very campus! [Proudly] Two whole hours! [Grouchily] And would you believe not a single student showed?! Ungrateful wretches!



Alice: Maybe they thought you might want to tell them about your research?


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Charlie: [Laughs incredulously] And risk allowing them to steal my ideas?! You must be mad!



Alice: Almost as mad as Clint if he thinks there's going to be any panstlessness in a university!

;;; End of scene, next one coming up!


[Book IX, Act IV, Scene VI. A University Building. ALICE, AUSTIN, CHARLIE, CLINT, DUR and FLETCH are here, looking aghast at a full moon from DR. ALISTAIR FINLEY, who's leaning out a window, completely bare from the waist down. He hears some shocked gasps from the party and glances back.]

Finley: Quickly! That pigeon! He has my underpants!


Clint: Brave pigeon! We need to talk to you. Put some pants on first!


Dur: Indeed! After all, where would you store your sandwich without pants?


Finley: Good question! I've been pondering it myself for some time now. [Points to a white board covered in diagrams of all sorts of complex looking containers, all of which appear to be controlled by intricate systems of levers and pulleys] I'm stumped.

Alice: Maybe you could keep it in the fridge? [Points to a fridge just beyond the white board]

Finley: Pah! Stuff and nonsense! It is too far away!


Dur: I couldn't have said it better myself! [Pulls a far too moist sandwichfrom his underwear and raises it as if proposing a toast] To Sandwiches!


Clint: What you need is a grad student who can go to the fridge and get the sandwich for you!


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Charlie: Quite right, Mr. Scar! [To Finley] You can pay them in stale bread and warm water!



Clint: You could take the poet there, for example. Anyway, that's not why we're here. What's the story with these cultist freaks? Leave for a couple of days and the places goes nuts!


Finley: Poet? What poet?

Alice: Hey! Where's Jordie gone?


Clint: [Hopefully.] To get a new attitude?

;;; Shows what I get for not carefully reading the list of who's where!


Alice: I bet he's gone to write a really nice poem.

Finley: Forget your poet! There are more important things to worry about! [Leans back out the window] Hey! You! Pigeon!


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Charlie: [To Finley] Ordinarily, I would quite agree with you, but we cannot go around losing party members willy-nilly! [To the party] Come, let us search for Jordan at once.



Fletch: He's in the little boy's room.


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Charlie: [To Fletch, handing him a copper piece] Well done! [To Finley] Are Grandmother and Mother with you? We should like to see them at once, if so!



Finley: Ah yes, Mother and Grandmother... er, Pukwudgie. I'm not sure where they are right now.

Alice: You don't even know her name, do you?

Finley: [Points out the window] Forgive me for being distracted by this pigeon debacle!


Dur: Sorry, I don't have a spell for retrieving pants from pigeons. Are they your only pair?


Finley: They're not my underpants! Mine here here, in my pocket. [Pats where his trousers should be] Hm. Curious. Has anyone seen my trousers?

Alice: Oh my GOD! Can we please stop talking about people's pants?

;;; Gone for the weekend!


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Charlie: Indeed, this party is already far too focused on underpants as it is! [To Finley, gritting her teeth] Where are Gertrude and Helena?



Finley: In hiding! There are a variety of cults who want them dead!


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Charlie: [Alarmed] Why is that?!



Dur: And why would they want Charlie's family dead but call Charlie the Mother?


;;; Dom is out this week

Austin: The things I do for this party. [Fishes out a pair of trousers, which he gives to Finley]

Finley: [Mercifully putting on the trousers] Do they? That is interesting. Some cults, such as The Beats, wish them dead because of their association with the Abyssinians. The Abyssinians want to worship them as demi-gods, but the New Abyssinians have sentenced them to death for blasphemy. The Reformed Abyssinians, New Reformed Abyssinians and Reformed New Abyssinians also want them dead, for a variety of reasons, too irritating and annoying to itemise.

Alice: Wow! Who would have guessed that mindless cults would be such idiots?


Clint: [To Finley.] You wouldn't happen to know where in hiding they are, would you?


Finley: Of course I do! They are up in the Misty Mountains, about a hundred miles north of here. In a town called Necrophilia, on Orange Lane, which is just off Black Street, near Henderson's Bakery. There are just two houses there.

Alice: Which one are they in? Left or right?

Finley: Good heavens, girl! It's classified! I can't just go around blurting it out to anyone, can I?


Clint: Maybe you'd better just come with us, so no one can get their location out of you! [To Charlie.] We're going to Necrophilia, right?


Alice: I once went to Coprophilia.

Austin: What was that like?

Alice: Pretty shitty.

;;; Boom boom!


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Charlie: Indeed we are! [To Finley] What have you heard about my daughter, Wilhelmina? She seems to have gained something of a following recently.



Finley: Ah yes, The Abyss! She appears to be the End of The World. I believe she may be the cause of the Reveals.


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Charlie: How could SHE be the cause of the Reveals? She is practically a child! And why do people think she is this so-called Abyss? Surely that would suggest a thing and not a person!



Finley: Yes! That's what I would have believed too! However, the Books, apparently, say otherwise!


Clint: Well, if you read it in a book, it must be true!


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Charlie: [To Finley, excited] Oh, have you seen The Books?! Do you have a copy? I should like to study them at once. [To Clint and Dur, regarding them critically] You should NOT touch the books, though. You would likely smear the pages and render them unreadable. [Inspired] But you MAY keep my pencils sharp. You can take shifts!



You can take shifts!

Dur: [Angrily] I'll show YOU where to sharpen your pencils!


Alice: It's better if you do it, Dur. That way when we want to stab her to death with them, we'll have a better chance of success. The pencil, as they say, is mightier and than the fjord.


Clint: Well, I'm convinced! But do we have time to be reading some moldy old books? There's freaky whack-job cultists out to kill Charlie's family!

;;; And on that note, off on holiday for a week!


Finley: [Appalled] There's always time for reading mouldy old books! And besides, knowledge is power. If we can understand exactly what these books say, we might get to the bottom of this. [Gives Alice a look] Speaking of which, you look different.


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Charlie: [Sharply] Shh! You know it isn't polite to draw attention to another's alarming weight gain! Remember what happened when Professor Hershey-Cadbury's Science and Stuff Funding and Stuff grant request was denied!



Alice: Hey! It's not weight gain!

Austin: [Checks it out] Unless it's inflatable, Alice, I fear it may be.

Finley: You look like a hardy bunch of adventurers. [Gives a wistful look out the window] The underpants disaster notwithstanding, of course. Perhaps you should get the books?


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Charlie: Marvelous! Where can we find them?



Dur: I bet HARMA has them! Those asshats are always hogging all the good stuff!


Finley: Indeed they do! They have an outpost here in Apraxia!


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Charlie: [Mortified] They have invaded my beloved Apraxia?! How dreadful! [Brightens] But at least we shall have access to these books now! [To Finley] Where is their outpost?



Finley: They've turned the library into some sort of fortified building -- no one gets in!

Alice: Sounds like any library I've ever heard of! [Nudges Clint] Am I right?


Dur: Well if anyone can get us into an impenetrable library, it will be Apraxia's biggest geek! [Nudges Charlie] Am I right?


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Charlie: Oh, quite right! [Modestly] I am something of a legend in the library, with all sorts of access to the rarest and most valuable books. For example, [produces a key, with elaborate flourish] THIS opens the Special Collections Cabinet on the sixth floor! [To Dur, super-excited] It houses a rare copy of the Compendium of Cryptoichthyology!



ndium of Cryptoichthyology!

Dur: [Without any real enthusiasm] Errrr. Great!


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Charlie: [Dreamily] Isn't it?

Clint: [Looks at the key, unimpressed] I've got all the key we need right here! [Flexes his door-kicking foot impressively]



Alice: The study of things that make you itchy? Ew! You're weird.

Austin: A more subtle approach is probably in order. Subtle, Mr. Scar. It means to approach something delicately. [Reassuringly] Just stay quiet and try not to break any doors until absolutely necessary.


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Clint: Quiet, eh? [To Alice, thoughtfully] If I punch him in the back of the neck, would it make less noise than if I punch him in the face?



Alice: It depends on how pitched his girlish screams are.

Austin: [Looks at the two with disgust] I pity you. For those of you who don't know, a library is a place with books. [To Charlie] Does your key open the main door of the library?


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Charlie: [Patiently] No, it opens the Special Collections Cabinet on the sixth floor! [Produces another key dramatically] But THIS one [pauses and looks at the key] hmm, that one is for the postdoc lab . . . [checks another] this one is for Pestilence's [laughs awkwardly] . Right, no. I haven't a key for the library's main door, as it happens.



it happens.

Dur: Then how do we get in? Is the library made out of stone by chance? If it is, I have just the spell for that!

;;; Were you two lonely this morning?


Finley: Stone, amongst other things!

;;; Waiting for you to entertain us!


Dur: Then I may be able to morph a whole in a side wall that we can get through!=20

;;; Well! Wait no longer!


Dur: Too much time around Charlie obviously! Before you know it you'll be shagging demons and birthing hellions bent on world domination! Best prep yo= u for emergency surgery once this is all over so I can remove any corrupting influences!

;;; Is that my three?


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Charlie: [To Alice, beaming] Oh, it WILL be great! [Dreamily] It's a magical, wondrous place.



Alice: Great! Then let's go to the library, it'll be great! [Suddenly looks worried] Oh dear Lord. What is happening to me?


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Dur: [Confused] Is she talking about the surgery? Because none of my patients have ever told me it was great. But I think that may have just been the = shock from the missing limbs...



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Charlie: [To Dur] Goodness, NO. I mean the library! [Gazing into the distance, starry-eyed] It's the place where dreams come true!



Dur: [Looking concerned] Your dreams make me sad.


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Charlie: [To Dur, haughtily] And your lack of attention to personal hygiene makes my eyes burn!

Clint: [Starting to get annoyed] Screw this. I'm kicking the door in! [Heads for the library door]

;;; Save us, Conor! That's three, I think!



Alice: Not as sad as the idea of being impregnated by a demon. I can categorically state that I will never, ever, ever have a demon baby. Ever.


Finley: Don't forget! If you spot a pigeon with my underpants....

[Exit ALL.]

;;; End of scene, next one coming up!


[Book IX, Act IV, Scene VII. The Library. ALICE, AUSTIN, CHARLIE, CLINT and DUR stand off to one side of a heavily fortified building, with many armed HARMA member patrolling it. The party have crept through the streets, staying out of sight.]

Alice: What are all the guards for? To stop librarians pulling people in?


Dur: Perhaps to protect the populace from the horror of reading?


Alice: I was once almost killed by a book.


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Charlie: [To Alice, scolding] Do stop insulting my dissertation! I know full well you never read it.



Austin: They do say that a little knowledge is a dangerous thing. I'm sure you have a little, Alice.

Alice: Your dissertation was a book? I thought it was some sort of cake!


Dur: Oh! THAT dissertation?! It really WAS delicious. I've never had such ahearty meal as when I found a copy of Charlie's dissertation in the dumpst= er. We ate for months!


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Clint: Yeah, my copy was great, too. I didn't have to buy toilet paper for almost a year!



Austin: That doesn't explain why you haven't bought any for the past three years, Mr. Scar.


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Clint: [To Austin, with a shrug] Didn't need to. I just used your socks before that. [To Alice] They were soft and everything, but not really that absorbent.



Alice: [Gives a shiver] Please don't talk to me about this sort of thing.


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Charlie: Indeed, let us enter the library at once!



Alice: Come on, Dur! Get us in!


Dur: In where? Oh right! [Moves to the side of the library and attempts to cast STONE SHAPE to create a whole in the wall]

;;; Sorry, been in meetings all morning


[The wall separates, surprisingly quietly, revealing a man sitting on a toilet reading a newspaper. This is THOMAS CREEPER. He looks a little annoyed.]

Thomas: Occupied!


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Charlie: [Embarrassed] Oh, indeed! We shall be on our way at once! [Tries to enter the library through the bathroom door]



Thomas: Hey! Wait a minute! [Blocks the way with his leg] What's going on here?

Austin: You appear to be reading pornography in the library bathroom.

Thomas: I'm not reading it, I'm just looking at the pictures!


Dur: By all means, please continue! Don't let us bother you. [Tries to enter again.] =20

;;; Is he wearing a uniform or anything?


Thomas: [Stands up, showing that he is wearing a security guard uniform] Hey! What the hell do you think you're doing?

Alice: Wishing that you'd pull up your pants!


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Clint: [Pointing back toward the way the party came into the bathroom] WOAH! Look at the rack on that broad!

;;; Clint will try to (quietly!) subdue Thomas while he's distracted.



Dur: [Tries to cast Bear's Strength on Clint to give him an edge against Thomas] Get him Clint! But save the Porno mag! It's the only good book in thi= s place!


Alice: Look, Clint! I don't know why they're suddenly bigger!

Thomas: [Excited] Where? Where?

[CLINT grabs THOMAS and shoves his head down the toilet.]

Thomas: Glub!


Dur: We should steal his uniform! One of us can disguise ourselves as security and the rest can pose as prisoners!


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Clint: [To Dur, clearly enjoying himself] Good idea, Doc! Wait until he passes out, and you can strip him and wipe off the crap. [To Austin and Charlie, smugly] Guess we know who the real brains around here, huh?!



Charlie, smugly] Guess we know who the real brains around >here, huh?!

Dur: I guess the library really CAN be fun!


Austin: [Flicking through the porn mag] Can you please stop torturing that poor unfortunate? You do realise that there is a huge hole here?

Alice: [Checks out Thomas] He's not that big, Aus.

Austin: [Glances behind Alice] The hole in the back that we just came in through.

Alice: Coming in through a back hole in a bathroom, eh? Familiar ground, Aus?

Austin: Congratulations Alice. You are now almost as disgusting as Mr. Scar.


Thatch: Ha-ha-HA! There is no JFWC2/A! Nor is there any interoffice mail any more, since HARMA took over. There was an interoffice mail about it.


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Charlie: [To Thatch] Ha-HA! You obviously did not get the memo about form JFWC2/B! You had better check your interoffice mail at once.



Clint: Good! Then you can clean up in here! [Heads for the bathroom door.]

;;; Also, hi everybody! July/August is vacation time. Who knew?


Voice: Yes I am!


Hatch: Ha! There is no form JFWC2! It's now a JFWC2/A!


Alice: So what's the plan? Stinky is a guard who's captured us and is bringing us to the library to make us read books as a punishment?


[CHARLIE pulls the door open to reveal naked man on the floor.]

;;; End of scene!


Dur: [Hurriedly] Which explains why we're all in the stall together. Mostly. [Closes the door to hide the unconscious guard]


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Clint: [Releases Thomas. To Dur] OK, Doc--strip him!

;;; Who is closest in size to Thomas?



Clint: Well, hurry up and get a plunger and a mop!

;;; So, the blogger is on the email list but doesn't seem to have updated

;;; since Thursday or so? Or maybe it's just me? Am finally caught up!


Clint: It beats junk like falling backwards into each other's arms, right? Let's go, guys! [Tries to push past Thatcher into the library proper.]


Alice: Dur! What the hell is wrong with you? [Thinks] Actually, what does it taste like Charlie?

[Boom! CLINT kicks open the door, and hits someone on the other side.]


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Charlie: [To Clint] Probably in one of your pockets, one assumes?



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Charlie: [To Thatch] Oh, dear! Are you quite all right? How ever did you get inside the library so quickly?!



Alice: If you're referring to the time you disturbed me in the shower, Dur, then please don't.

;;; Dom is still out?

Austin: Surely if Dur disturbed you in the shower, Alice, it would have been you who was naked, wouldn't it?

Alice: Yes, I can see how you might think that.


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Charlie: [Excited] Oh, and I shall be the keynote speaker!



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Clint: [Quickly pulls on the uniform] Yeah, but I had the Day Old Breakfast Burrito Special on the way in, and it is NOT pretty in here! Give me a sec!



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Charlie: [To Alice, pondering] Yes, I see the problem, now that you mention it. Reading books could never be considered a punishment. Let's think--well, there is also a lot of pleasure in organizing books, I'm afraid! [Inspired] Perhaps we are here to DUST books?



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Clint: [Casually strips down and takes the uniform from Dur] Pipe down, prisoners! Start looking beaten down so we can sell this thing to HARMA.

;;; Tom, are you back? I'll stop posting for Clint with this.



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Charlie: [Attempting a lame Clint impression] You there! Do you want me to report you to Joe Nunpar?! Now get that mop at once!



Dur: Where is yours?=20


Alice: Wait a minute! How do explain how so many of us got in here in the first place?

Austin: Janitorial conference.

;;; There's a new address in the distribution list, this will help you

;;; Facebook geeks keep up with the game more easily!


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Charlie: [Modestly] Oh, hardly! That would most likely be Professor Di O'Rhea. [Excited] Though I am the foremost expert on half-demon excrement!



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Austin : It makes it much simpler to wash, if you are naked. You could save yourself a lot of trouble.

;;;; around today and Wed, this week and around Tuesday thursday Friday

next week, back to normal after that!



[Book IX, Act IV, Scene VIII. The Bathroom. ALICE, AUSTIN, CHARLIE, CLINT, and DUR stand around a naked man, THATCHER "THATCH" FLETCHER.]

Thatch: Ow! Parts conc!

<P><a href=http://www.queens-view.com/wiki/index.php/Thatcher_Hatcher>Thatcher Hatcher</A>

;;; Looks like there's a problem with Thatch's page! I'll sort it out

soon, but he looks

;;; like a nerdy version of Fletch


Thatch: [Blocks Clint] Parts Bell! If you really worked here, I'd know you. Where's your Form JFWC2?


TGFzdCBmcm9tIERvbSAjMzgNCg0KPkF1c3RpbiA6IFtGcm93bmluZyBhdCB0aGUgdGhpbmddIEkg dGhpbmsgaXQgaXMganVzdCBhIGxvb3NlIHRocmVhZCBmcm9tIHRoZSBndWFyZHMgdHJvdXNlci4N Cg0KRHVyOiBUaGVuIEkgZGFyZSB5b3UgdG8gdHVnIG9uIGl0IQ0KDQoNCg


Dur: I still don't think he's gone!

;;; By the way, I'll be out all week next week! VEGAS!


;;; We better make it Clint!

Alice: Oh god. Does this mean we're going to have to see Dur naked?


Dur: [Stripping Thomas] You mean, 'Does this mean we're going to have to see Dur naked AGAIN?' don't you?


Clint: I work here! These guys are colleagues from the international conference of sanitation engineers.


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Charlie: Do be serious! I said HALF-demon. It's all very wholesome. [Brightly] Pestilence has been collecting and storing Will's stool samples for a long-term study I have been conducting.



Alice: True, but then you have to deal with the likes of Dur coming in to look at you!


Dur: Tell that to Alice's inflating chest and ass!


Alice: I thought it was Dr. Con Tsipation?

Clint: [Shrugs] It should have been, but he kept everything to himself.


Austin: You are the world's foremost expert on excrement, after all.


Clint: I've got it in here somewhere... [Starts feeling around in his pockets, taking the opportunity to curl his other hand into a fist in case he needs a different form of authorization.]


Dur: PLEASE CHARLIE! We don't need to delve to deeply into you and Pestilence's fetishes. Once heard some things can never be unheard....


Alice: [Shudders as she looks at Dur] Please don't ask. Please. Please. For the love for GOD, don't ask.


Voice: Uh, okay.

[Sound of person walking away.]

Alice: [Whispers] Do you think he's gone?

Voice: No, I'm still here.


Dur: Mmmhmmm.. [To Charlie] That's all well and academic, but what does it TASTE like?


[A voice comes from outside the toilet.]

Voice: Is everything okay in there?


Thatch: I work here! What are you guys doing?


Alice: [Shielding her eyes from Clint's nakedness] No! Keep your nakeditity away from me! And don't you dare threaten us with your [move her hand to do a finger quotes] love truncheon, or love string, or whatever the hell that thing is!


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Austin : Surely that would be a job for a professional.



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Charlie: [Thrilled] I'm SO glad you asked! It's a study to compare the volatile sulfur compounds in human, half-demon, and demon excrement!



Clint: Doc, change the topic! [Applies his boot to the door, hoping to kick it into the person on the other side.]


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Austin : [Considers this] Indeed. I may know a very good tailor that covers both professions. However, he is rather expensive, and very very annoying.



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Charlie: [Wrinkling her nose in disgust] That is quite enough of THAT. [Brightly] Now, let us go and enjoy the library!



Alice: [Smiles] Aw! Thanks Aus! That's so nice!


Dur: [Aggravated. To Clint] Perhaps you ought to show him our authorizationform that you keep on the underside of your boot.=20


Alice: [Relieved] Phew! I thought you were going to ask what they tasted like.

Austin: [Disgusted] Alice! What is wrong with you?


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Charlie: Quite right! We are here to dust the books, as part of a team-building exercise.



Dur: You mean don't ask what the study is for?


Alice: Oh, God. Peter Deadpan, is it?


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Austin : [Frowning at the thing] I think it is just a loose thread from the guards trouser.



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Charlie: [Startled] Oh! [Observes the wreckage] Nicely managed, Mr. Scar, though we better move quickly before HARMA descends on us! [Peeks outside the door]



Alice: What I want to know is why there's a naked librarian who look just like Fletch!


Alice: [Observes from a safe distance] Agreed. However, the question is, Austin, a professional what?


Alice: And that's quite enough of THAT!

[THOMAS is now unconscious.]


Dur: What are you asking me for? Ask this guy! [To Thatch] Say, why do you looks totes like Fletch. And why are you totes naked?


Thatch: We're parts bro!

Alice: What about why you're naked?

Thatch: I like to show off my enormous penis.


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Charlie: [Takes a quick peek at Thatch's penis and giggles] I have seen bigger!



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Charlie: [Impatiently] Oh, DO stop arguing about this, and let us hurry! We are bound to be detected if we keep dilly-dallying!



Clint: Like on him, for example? [Points over Thatch's shoulder, with every intent of putting the boot in if Thatch falls for it.]


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Charlie: [Shudders] Let's not talk about HIM. That's an even more unpleasant topic than Mr. Scar's undersized genitals!

Clint: [Shrugs] What do you people know? All you've ever seen are [gestures at Austin] other fruits, [gestures at Charlie] demons, [gestures at Alice] geeks, [gestures at Dur] and dead guys! Not one of you has seen a real man. [Does a classy hip thrust for emphasis]



Thatch: [Glances around] Who?

[Squelch. THATCH goes down.]


Clint: Authorize *that*!


Voice: Oh, okay.

[Sound of person walking away.]

;;; Definitely not you! Thanks for letting us know -- and welcome back!


Alice: So by that reckoning, Stinky, you're not a real man either, right?


Thatch: I can't.... No... Form... JFWC2....


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Charlie: [Fretting] Oh, dear! I haven't seen this kind of violence in the library since Pestilence volunteered to read stories to children after school! [To Clint, urgently] Hurry, gag him and tie him up, and let us leave before we draw more attention to ourselves.



Clint: [Bops Thatch on the head and shoots Charlie an aggrieved look.] I think you have me confused for someone who keeps handcuffs and a ball gag in his backpack! [Tries to improvise something out of his rope belt and a couple of moth-eaten socks.]


;;; Dom is still out?

Austin: [Taking some handcuffs and a ball gag out of his backpack] Really, Mr. Scar? Really?

Alice: [Also taking some handcuffs (lined with some sort of revolting pink fluffy stuff) and ball gag out of her backpack] Ah, the Job 4000 model, interesting choice, Austin.

Austin: [Observes Alice's] Indeed. I see you prefer the comfort and girlishness of the Ryan 6000, but I prefer security over style in my restraints.


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Charlie: [Primly] I do not think stylishness matters in this particular case, but haste is paramount! Hurry, let us hide him in the bathroom stall and get to the library.



Alice: Don't we want to ask him if he knows Fletch? What happens if he knows Fletch? He might help us if he knows Fletch.


Dur: The question is do we want his help?


Clint: At this point, I don't think it matters! [Flexes his door-kicking foot.] Unless he's into that sort of thing, anyway.


Alice: Yeah, because it would be super weird to get a kick out of being handcuffed, gagged and having your head pushed down the toilet!


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Charlie: Oh, not at all! Many men, particularly powerful ones, enjoy such humiliations. [To Clint, helpfully] The women who administer them are called dominatrixes [hesitates and muses] --or would it be dominatrices?



Clint: And the men who enjoy them are called freaks! Anyway, if you want to talk to him, Chuck, he's not going anywhere.


Thatch: [Slowly starts to wake up] What the hell? Parts head!


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Charlie: [Quickly] Do be quiet, and tell us how you know Fletcher Hatcher at once. Otherwise, Mr. Scar shall be forced to give you a [finger quotes] swirly!



Thatcher: Mm! I love ice cream!


Clint: What she means is, talk or I'll flush you down the toilet!


Thatch: Oh, what's way less nice than ice cream. Fletch is my brother. Not just my brother, but my best friend. In fact, as he often says, we're totes besties.


s besties.

Dur: [To the group] I thought we were his totes besties?

;;; Just as a reminder, I will be out all week next week. Take good care ofDur Conor!


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Austin : [Frisks Thatch looking for keys etc] How nice for you.

;;;; totes back Wednesday next



Alice: [Watching Austin searching the naked Thatch] Er, where exactly do you think he's hiding stuff, Aus?


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Austin : Really Alice! A woman of your age should know such things by now.



Alice: In the toilet cistern?


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Austin : Not really for what I was looking for, but certainly worth checking [Austin checks the cistern for cheese and related foreign objects]

;;;; awa t pub



[AUSTIN fishes out a number of bottles of whiskey and a not inconsiderable cheese stash, carefully wrapped in a baggie.]

Thatch: Aw, come on! I've had to put them there since HARMA and that mean bitch that they have in charge of The Books took over! That's all I have!


Clint: Eh, leave him his stash, lawyer. Your girlfriend can always confiscate it later. I bet she'll get a kick out of it, too!


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Charlie: [To Thatch] Could you get the horrible woman here, so that we could talk to her? If so, we could reunite you with Fletch!



Alice: Wait a minute -- that horrible woman, is it Harmelia?

Austin: [Sniffs] You know full well, her name is Amelia.

Thatch: That's her! She is the one who ordered all the books destroyed!


Clint: [Shrugs.] That sounds like her alright. Any time someone talks about a horrible woman, I think we all know who they mean!


Alice: Yeah. Everyone knows who they mean. [Thinks for a moment] Is it Charlie?


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Charlie: [Offended] I should say NOT. Do you really think I would be capable of destroying books?!



Alice: I never said that you would destroy books! I just said that you might be horrible!


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Austin : And that is the truth of it.

;;;; away today and Wed, in the other days



[Enter CHOCO LATAY, looking in the hole in the wall.]

Choco: Hey! What's going on here?

[Enter from the cubicle door, BARRY GOODBAR, along with half a dozen other HARMA officers.]

Barry: We weren't going to use the toilet cubicle for an orgy!

Choco: What?

Barry: I mean, we've caught the most wanted!

;;; And there we shall pause until August 27th


[Book IX, Act IV, Scene IX. A Cell. ALICE, AUSTIN, CHARLIE, CLINT, DUR and JORDAN are here. All but JORDAN have been dragged from the toilets, and unceremoniously dumped in. JORDAN was already here, unconscious, clearly having been banged over the head. Several rough, and strangely aroused HARMA officers, lead by CHOCO LATAY, were responsible for throwing them in.]

Alice: Hey! Don't you know who were are?

Choco: Sure. You're a bunch of degenerate wasters who's very existence threatens the way of life of HARMA.

Alice: That could be anyone! [To the party] Come on! Surely we can reason with these losers! [To Choco] Er, no offence.


Clint: Who're you calling degenerate? [Gestures at little Choco.] Walking around in your state. You guys should be ashamed!


Austin : Indeed, we came here to read books, where as you came here for an orgy. Perhaps you should look up the definition of degenerate. If you can read.


Choco: I didn't go there for an orgy! That was the others!

Alice: Then why were you there?

Choco: To masturbate.


Austin : And is this an officially scheduled HARMA activity?


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Charlie: Indeed, that sounds rather more fun than the typical HARMA meeting! [Flushed] Not for me, but for degenerates!



Choco: Look! This isn't about me and puppies! It's about you disturbing a book burning!


Dur: That's not it at all! We're here to HELP burn some books. This must all be some silly misunderstanding!


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Charlie: [Pained] Er, yes, we love to [with difficulty, getting choked up] burn books. [Points to Dur] My colleague enjoys roasting [finger quotes] weenies over a book fire.



Austin : Charlie here is our chief book burner, she loves burning books even more than orgies.


TGFzdCBmcm9tIERvbSAjOQ0KDQo+QXVzdGluIDogQ2hhcmxpZSBoZXJlIGlzIG91ciBjaGllZiBi b29rIGJ1cm5lciwgc2hlIGxvdmVzIGJ1cm5pbmcgYm9va3MgZXZlbiBtb3JlIHRoYW4gb3JnaWVz Lg0KDQpEdXI6IFdvdyEgU2hlIG11c3QgbG92ZSBidXJuaW5nIGJvb2tzIHRoZW4hIA0K


Clint: [Nods.] Well, that's cleared up then. [To Choco] You can let us go while you get back to, uh, holding your own.


Last from Tom

On Aug 28, 2013, at 9:54, Tom Henderson <Thomas.Henderson@rice.edu> wrote:

Choco: Why Would she burn orgies?


Austin : Good question, [To Charlie] Do you have a short answer to that, or should we let him get on with his masturbation, short or othwerwise?


Choco: Seeing as you scumbags enjoy burning books so much, I think just for that you won't be allowed see them! Close the curtains in your cell immediately!


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Charlie: [Haughtily] How dare you dampen our enthusiasm for conducting HARMA business! We are trying to make the people of the realms more ignorant and more easily manipulated, in keeping with HARMA's aims!



Clint: I don't think he gives a toss about HARMA's aims. [Shakes his head.] It'll look bad in our report, though!


Barry: [To Choco] They certainly sound like they're on our side. And they were hanging around the men's toilets.

Choco: Oh for crying out loud! They are on the most wanted list! Stop being such an idiot!

[Exit the HARMA officers, leaving the party alone, but locked in the cell.]

Alice: Those bastards! Just for that, I'm not going close the curtains!


Clint: Doc, I don't suppose you can get us out of here? [Flexes his door-kicking foot, just in case.]


Alice: [Jumps back from Clint's foot flexing] Jeez, Stinky! You don't have the threaten him!


Clint: Eh, a little extra motivation never hurts...


Alice: True, and if they really are going to burn The Books, we might never find out if the world is going to end or not!


Austin : Isn't that a good thing?


Alice: Of course not! Imagine how embarrassed we'd be if the world ended and we didn't even know!


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Charlie: Oh, we MUST see those books! Quickly, can anyone see a way to escape this cell? [Examines the cell for weaknesses]



Austin : [Tries to pick the lock] Perhaps Mr Dur can cast another spell?


TGFzdCBmcm9tIERvbSAjMjQNCg0KPkF1c3RpbiA6IFtUcmllcyB0byBwaWNrIHRoZSBsb2NrXSBQ ZXJoYXBzIE1yIER1ciBjYW4gY2FzdCBhbm90aGVyIHNwZWxsPw0KDQpEdXI6ICdPb29oaGggRG9j dG9yIHNhdmUgdXMhJyBbR3J1bWJsaW5nIGxpa2UgYSBncnVtcHkgb2xkIG1hbiBhcyBoZSB0cmll cyB0byBjYXN0IFNUT05FIFNIQVBFIChpZiB0aGVyZSBpcyBzdG9uZSB0byBjYXN0IGl0IG9uKSB0 byBmb3JtIGEgaG9sZSB0aGV5IGNhbiBlc2NhcGUgZnJvbS5dDQo


[Unfortunately, the cell is completely metal. Enter FLETCH and THATCH.]

Fletch: No! Are these the guys?

Thatch: Parts! Not all of them were involved.


Dur: Hey Fletch, totes help us out man! And you [To Thatch] Come back for asecond ass kicking?


Fletch: Dude! He's totes my brother!

Thatch: Well, parts. Half brothers.

Fletch: No, Thatch. Totes.

[They hug.]


Dur: [Looking bored] I'm sorry? Did you say brothers? Or LOVERS? GET US OUTOF HERE FLETCH!=20


Fletch: Totes both!

;;; Heather is afk

Charlie: Mr Dur! Please do stop being threatening. You're embarrassing yourself!


Clint: You say that like it's not something he does every day anyway! [To Fletch and Thatch.] Thanks for the assist. [To the party.] Let's go! [Heads for the exit.]

;;; I assume Fletch and Thatch aren't just locked in with us, anyway!


Charlie: True, Mr. Scar, but a threat should not be laughable.

[FLETCH and THATCH remain in their positions, and the party are still locked in.]

Fletch: What's the scoop with the flush?

;;; Correct, but they also didn't let us free!


Clint: [Shrugs.] It's a thing a man does once he's finished doing his business. Why?


Fletch: Guys! You shoved his head down the toilet! Why should we let you out?

Thatch: Parts!


Clint: [Airily.] Oh, that! That was all just a big misunderstanding. No hard feelings!

;;; That's my three, I think.


Dur: Yeah! No Offense meant! Right? Now let us out!


Fletch: [Delighted] Then we're totes cool! Right, Thatch?

Thatch: Parts cool. [Unlocks the cell]


Dur: Parts Totes! Or whatever. Now we need to stop that book burning!


Charlie: Correct! We must stop it at once!

Fletch: [Points out a window] Totes late!


Clint: Those freaks had a book burning and they started without me?! [Looks out the window.]


[Alas, it is so, poor CLINT has missed the burning. There is a huge pile of what are clearly very old books, along with a bunch of more modern ones, and even some magazines. Many HARMA officers stand around watching, along with JOE NUNPAR and AMELIA, who does not look happy.]

Charlie: [Shocked] Oh no! How could they do this? Those books are priceless! They hold the answers to everything! The world could be destroyed!

Alice: And look! They're burning copies of Ass Fancier's Weekly!


Austin : Where you in that edition? [Looks around for a large source of water that may be used to dowse the flames]

;;; out tomorrow morning


Clint: If we're going to save those books... I say we find a way of putting out the fire and then some of us can try to lead those HARMA freaks away from the books while the rest of us rescue them!


[The books are burning brightly, and AMELIA dumps some fuel on the flames, causing them to flare up even more.]

Alice: What the hell? I thought she was supposed to be one of the good guys! Or at least, not entirely awful!


Austin : I am sure she has a plan. She may have no more choice than us.

;;; busy morning


Joe: Now let's get the Queens View Party and add them to the flames!

Amelia: No! Let's burn the whole library down around them!

Alice: [To the party] Yeesh! That's her plan?


Austin : It's probably a very cunning plan.


Alice: So far I'm not impressed.

Fletch: Totes! Those HARMA girls are idiots. One of them gave me the key to your cell for safe keeping while the rest of them were at the book burning! I mean, seriously? Me?


TGFzdCBmcm9tIERvbSAjNDcNCg0KPkF1c3RpbiA6IEl0J3MgcHJvYmFibHkgYSB2ZXJ5IGN1bm5p bmcgcGxhbi4NCg0KPiBEdXI6IFBlcmhhcHMgd2Ugc2hvdWxkIGhhc3RlbiBvdXIgb3duIHBsYW4g dG8gdGhlICJydW4gdGhlIGhlbGwgYXdheSIgcGhhc2U/DQo


Dur: Perhaps we should hasten our own plan to the "run the hell away" phase?

Alice: I didn't even know we had a plan! No wonder things are always going wrong! Why wasn't I told about this plan? Austin, did you know about the plan?


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Charlie: [Nods emphatically] Precisely what I have been saying for YEARS! [Flips out a notepad] Now, let us make a plan! Who has a suggestion for a name for our mission? It should be something noble and vaguely evocative of the aims of the plan itself.



Austin : How about "Run or Die". [Legs it if he can]


Alice: But where are we going to go?

[The HARMA officers start throwing burning books at the library, along with cans of petrol, such is their zeal.]

Joe: No! You fools!

[Too late. The library burns faster than a wooden building full of books that have been soaked in gasoline.]

Alice: What will we do? It's too high to jump!


Austin : Is there no sprinkler system? [Looks around for a fire alarm] Call health and safety!


Alice: Definitely! [Looks out] Oh no! The direct phone line to Health and Safety is outside the library! On that rickety bridge! That you have to cross holding a dangerously heavy box!


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Charlie: [Devastated] Those MONSTERS! How could they? [Points at Joe] Look, Nunpar does not want this, either! Perhaps he would help us save the library?!



Austin : [Incredulously] Save the library indeed! How about saving me! Don't you ever think of anyone else?


Alice: Good point Aus! [Pokes her head out the window and shouts] Hey! We're all up here! Austin is here! He'll be burned to death!

[ALICE comes back in with a flaming arrow in her hat.]

Alice: They don't seem too concerned.


Austin : Obviously they didn't recognise me. We should find a way out. [Looks for a fire exit]


TGFzdCBmcm9tIERvbSAjNTcNCg0KPkF1c3RpbiA6IE9idmlvdXNseSB0aGV5IGRpZG4ndCByZWNv Z25pc2UgbWUuIFdlIHNob3VsZCBmaW5kIGEgd2F5IG91dC4gW0xvb2tzIGZvciBhIGZpcmUgZXhp dF0NCg0KRHVyOiBXaHkgZG9uJ3Qgd2UganVzdCBtYWtlIG91ciBvd24/ISBbSWYgdGhleSBhcmUg b24gYSBuIG91dHNpZGUgd2FsbCBtYWRlIG9mIHN0b25lLCBEdXIgd2lsbCB0cnkgdG8gY2FzdCBT VE9ORSBTSEFQRSB0byBtYWtlIGFuIGV4aXQuIElmIG5vdCwgaGUgd2lsbCB0cnkgdG8gY2FzdCBT VU1NT04gTU9OU1RFUiBJSUkgYW5kIHRyeSB0byBjYWxsIGFuIE91dHNpZGVyIHRvIHNtYXNoIHRo ZWlyIHdheSBvdXQgZm9yIGhpbS5dDQo


[No fire exits, but DUR's spell does appear to open the wall. The party move towards it, but are very high up, and the hail of arrows from the HARMA officers below sends them scrambling back for cover.]

Alice: Did anyone else notice that there was a huge shadow over the building? Could there be something on the roof?


Austin : Probably a huge cloud of smoke! [Nervously looks around]


Alice: Look, we can't go down because of the fire, and we can't go sideways because of HARMA. Should we go up and slay the nerdy dragon?


Clint: No. Let's go ask the dragon for a lift! Follow me! [Pauses.] How do we get to the roof?


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Charlie: [Peers up at the shadow] Oh, what is it?! [Hopefully] A water-breathing book-loving dragon?



Dur: [Shivers at the thought of water] Do we have any other choice?


Alice: Stop panicking! Stop panicking!


Clint: [Heads up the stairs.] Like I said, Bimbo, let's ask him for a lift first! [Shakes his head.] It's gonna be real embarrassing when we get to the top and there's no water-breathing dragon geek!


Alice: He's not a geek, he's a nerd!

[The party get to the highest level that the stairs lead to, which end with a door with a sign that reads "Roof Level. No fornicating past this point."]

Alice: I guess we'll just have to fornicate here. [Pause] What does fornicate mean?


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Charlie: [Wearily] It's what you and Deuce were attempting when you took all of those dreadful photos you sent to me by accident. Remember? [Shudders] I thought it was some sort of peculiar pictorial series on the effects of the common cold, but no.



Alice: [To Clint] Up the stairs, maybe? Come on! Let's kill this dragon! [Starts heading up the stairs, but stops] Actually, maybe we should make friends with him, have him fly us to safety and THEN kill him!


Clint: [Shudders.] I don't want to know! [Kicks open the door to the roof.]


Alice: That wasn't by accident!

[The door smashes open and the party race out onto the roof.]

Alice: Holy crap! What the hell is that?

;;; End of Book IX, Act IV. Next ones starts tomorrow!!


Austin : [To Alice] It's just a geeky word for sexual activities, but we probably don't have time. [Tries to get out onto the roof]