03.01.001

[Book IX, Act III, Scene I. The Well. ALICE, AUSTIN, CHARLIE, CLINT, DUR and JORDAN are here. The light from the orb subsides, and they can see that they are in the exact same spot.]

Alice: What the hell was that?

03.01.002

Charlie: I'm not sure! [Looks around] Perhaps it didn't work? Do orbs [finger quotes] go off after a time?

03.01.003

Alice: I don't know! It certainly seemed to work. Whatever it does, it just did.

[Enter MACKENZIE FLIGH, a man in his early twenties. He looks shocked.]

Mac: Oh. My. God!

Alice: [Points at Mac] Is that what it did?

03.01.004

Crap! [Pinches self repeatedly] =C2 I=0Afinally did it =E2=80=93 you finally came!=C2 Holy Crap!=C2 What=E2=80=99s the Message?=C2 [reaches= out=0Atentatively to touch someone, then pulls back arm in terror at last moment] =C2 What=0Ado I need to do? =0A

03.01.005

Alice: Uh, I don't know. That depends on who you are!

03.01.006

Charlie: [To Mac, excited] Oh, how thrilling! Do you know Gertrude Parker-Kensington?


;;; Nice to have you in the game, Jack!

03.01.007

Austin : [Leaning back] Please don't touch us, I can assure you that we are quite real. [Looks around, then to Mac] Would you mind telling us what that orb did?


;;; Hi Jack!


;;;;; out for rest of day

03.01.008

nzie Fligh, archaeologist=0A [thinks quickly] and World Chief Ambassador forVisiting Aliens. [Not very=0Aconvincingly] =0A=0AMac: [To Charlie] Yes! Wel= l, no. Is that a codeword? I know=0Aabout the signs, and the cropcircles, and the clues you left in the artifacts.=0A=0AMac: [To Austin] The orb! Is t= hat your teleportation space craft?=0ADo you come in peace? Or to experiment on us primitive life-forms? [shudders in=0Aexcitement] We mean you no har= m, unless you intend to exterminate all life on=0Aour planet in which case we'll fight back, obviously.

03.01.009

Alice: Cool! Ambassador, eh? How come we've never heard of you?


;;; Both Heather and Dom are afk!

Charlie: [Puzzled] Er, okay.

Austin: [Straightens a cuff] We have no intention of exterminating any life forms, unless, of course, they promote poor fashion and lack of hygiene. [Gives Clint a withering look] Where are you from, my good man?

03.01.010

A0Last from Conor #9=0A=0A=0A> =0A> Alice: Cool! Ambassador, eh? How come we've never heard of you?=0A> =0A> ;;; Both Heather and Dom are afk!=0A> = 0A> Charlie: [Puzzled] Er, okay.=0A> =0A> Austin: [Straightens a cuff] We have no intention of exterminating any=0A> life forms, unless, of course, t= hey promote poor fashion and lack of=0A> hygiene. [Gives Clint a withering look] Where are you from, my good=0A> man?=0A>=0A=0AMac: [punching the air = at Alice's throwaway comment] I knew it! You ARE aliens. [Sniffing armpits] I'm from a town called Apraxia, in a place called the North Realms. I can = draw you a map if you like. I work with Harbridge, which is a university - a place for learning things [uses hand gesures to try and articulate concep= t of 'university', like in charades] .=0A

03.01.011

Alice: We certainly are not aliens! What are you talking about? We know where Apraxia is! [Points at Charlie] She grew up in Bodenringham Manor!

03.01.012

Charlie: Indeed, and I work at Harbridge! [Studies Mac] What department?

03.01.013

not aliens? Well why are you wearing such odd clothing? And what are you doing in that well - you weren't there a moment ago? Bodringham? [Points to t= he beautiful old manor nearby] I'm sure I've never seen you around. [Squints at Charlie but does not recognise] Archaeology. I've never seen you= either. [Looks suspicious] =0A

03.01.014

moment ago? Bodringham? [Points to the beautiful old manor nearby] I'm sure I've never seen you around. [Squints at Charlie but does not recognise] = Archaeology. I've never seen you either. [Looks suspicious]

Charlie: [Baffled] But I have a great many friends in the Archaeology Department! Surely have heard of me. [Helpfully] Charlotte Parker-Kensington? Renowned cryptozoologist and budding demonologist?

03.01.015

? Renowned cryptozoologist and budding demonologist?

Dur: [Groaning] Please don't ask her how she studies Demons. I assure you its far to graphic...

03.01.016

ac: No? And I know all the cryptozoologists... [Even more baffled] Unless! [puches air again, even more excitedly] you must be from the future! You ar= e time travellers, returning to speak to me! I knew it! What year do you think it is? How long do you have? Oh my god [in fascinated horror] maybe you= 're all my great-great grand children. Do you have an ancestor called Fligh?=0A

03.01.017

Alice: I hope not! [Points at the manor] Hey look! The manor! It looks like it did before the fire!

03.01.018

Charlie: [Looks at the Manor, astonished] You are quite right, it looks just like it did before we rebuilt it! [To Jack] Do you know my grandmother, Gertrude Parker-Kensington?

03.01.019

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Jordan: Oh I bet he does. That's probably how she knows about his misspelled tattoo.

--bcaec552451663fd5604d870a0c9

03.01.015

Alice: Huh! She has the same name as you, Charlie! [ Looks at the manor] Hey! Look at that! The manor!

[ The manor looks like it did before it was burnt down.]

03.01.020

Clint: [Scoffing.] Naw, Charlie and her family are all prim, proper, respectable people, not sexual deviants with a boring streak.

03.01.021

Alice: Really? Gertie seems pretty deviant!


;;; Careful -- Mac hasn't introduced himself yet, so the party don't know that

;;; he's the same Mac that Gertrude was talking about

03.01.022

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Jordan: And Chuckles did marry a demon. Seems anything but boring there.


;;; Sorry, thought he had introduced himself! My bad...

;;; Conor's second email somehow got dropped from the list

;;; So added it back to.

--f46d040122a3b9beb904d8714d99

03.01.023

Clint: Naw, that's deviant. Get her talking about 6th century Apraxian pottery... that's boring. See the difference?


;;; We kid because we love, I'm sure!

03.01.024

ence?=0A> =0A> ;;; We kid because we love, I'm sure!=0A=0AMac: It's not boring if it was really created by aliens. Anyway I think you better get out o= f the well now. I'm Mackenzie Fligh. I've heard of the Parker-Kensingtons but they are quite stuck up so don't speak to the likes of me. [reaches dow= n into well offering a hand to Alice, but freezes upon mention of tattoos] . How could you have know that? [claps hand across arm to conceal tattoo,= which is concealed anyway by shirt] =0A

03.01.025

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Jordan: Well, [rolling his eyes] we were told to meet a guy called Mac here, and, well, you are here. So, [sighing a bit] it stands to reason you must be Mac. Forgive me for assuming, and if I am wrong. But if you are Mac, then there is a tattoo we are meant to mention we know about.

--90e6ba30967cbf733604d871dd39

03.01.026

Austin: Actually, [sniffs] I think you'll find that we were told that we WOULD meet a man called Mac. That's quite different to being told that we should. Why, for all we know, he could be some innocent by-stander who knows nothing. [Eyes Mac] Do you know nothing?

03.01.027

Charlie: [To Austin] Clearly he know SOMETHING. Harbridge does not hire hacks! [To Mac, sensibly] Perhaps you could tell us what year it is? That might clarify matters.

03.01.028

could tell us what year it=0A> is? That might clarify matters.=0A=0A=0A1228 [thrilled] What year is it in the future? Well, your future? And obvio= usly I know things - more than most people. I knew about you, for a start. And what the old stone circles were REALLY about, stuff they're not allowed= to teach you at Harbridge. And [whispers dramatically] the Krunkenshaft Conspiracy.

03.01.029

Alice: Krunkenshaft? Oh man, is that another anal sex thing? Honestly, is that the only thing you academics think about?

03.01.030

[Time passes.]

Alice: [Clicks her fingers to get people's attention] Hey! Hey!

03.01.031

Charlie: [To Alice, snapping out of a daze] What's that? Oh, sorry, dear. Something you said made me think of-- [smiles dreamily and trails off] something. [Composes herself] Right. [To Mac] Are you, perchance, called Mac?

03.01.032

Austin : And he has a misspelled 'Jennifer' tattoo on his arm, and we have just traveled back in time 50 years?

03.01.033

A0Last from Dom #32=0A=0A=0A> Austin : And he has a misspelled 'Jennifer' tattoo on his arm, and we=0A> have just traveled back in time 50 years?=0A= 0AMac: Yes - Mac/Mackenzie, that's me. And can we just not talk about the tattoo anymore please. Only fifty years? [somewhat dissapointed] . Are you g= oing to take me back with you into the future? [preparing to climb down into the crowded well] .=0A

03.01.034

Alice: We don't even know why we're here!

03.01.036

Alice: Great! [Climbs out] Why did we travel back in time?

03.01.037

Charlie: Indeed, why have you been waiting for us? Have a message for us [dramatically] from the past?!

03.01.035

A0Last from Conor #34=0A=0A=0A> Alice: We don't even know why we're here!=0A=0AMac: To meet me obviously. I've been waiting for you guys for years, = more-or-less. [peers down at Alice] . If you've come to find out about time travel, I'm your man. =0A

03.01.038

Dur: Maybe he knows how to get [dramatically] BACK TO THE FUTURE!


;;; Couldn't resist!

03.01.039

Alice: Actually, Dur, given that we're the ones who are out of time, it's the opposite. [Dramatically] Forward to the Past! [Thinks] Er, um, well, hm.

03.01.041

TGFzdCBmcm9tIEphY2sgIzQwDQoNCj5NYWM6IE5vLCBuby4gW0hlbHBzIEFsaWNlIG91dCBvZiB3 ZWxsXSBJZiBJIHdhbnRlZCB0byBzZW5kIHlvdSBhIG1lc3NhZ2UgZnJvbSB0aGUgcGFzdCwgSSB3 b3VsZCBqdXN0IGhhdmUgd3JpdHRlbiBzb21ldGhpbmcgPmRvd24uIFlvdSBndXlzIGhhdmUgdG8g Z2l2ZSBtZSBhIG1lc3NhZ2UgLSBhIG1lc3NhZ2UgZnJvbSB0aGUgZnV0dXJlISBUaGluayAtIGhh dmUgeW91IG1hZGUgY29udGFjdCB3aXRoIG90aGVyIGxpZmUtZm9ybXMgPnlldD8gVHlwaWNhbGx5 LCBbc3BlYWtpbmcgbm93IHdpdGggZ3JlYXQgYXV0aG9yaXR5XSB0aW1lIHRyYXZlbGxlcnMgcmV0 dXJuIHRvIHRyeSBhbmQgY2hhbmdlIHNvbWV0aGluZyBhYm91dCB0aGUgcGFzdCwgb3Igc3RvcCA+ c29tZXRoaW5nIHRlcnJpYmxlIGZyb20gaGFwcGVuaW5nLg0KDQpEdXI6IFt0byB0aGUgZ3JvdXBd IElzIHRoYXQgd2hhdCB3ZSdyZSBoZXJlIGZvcj8gDQo

03.01.041

Alice: Can't be done! We've tried it. If you try to change the past it'll fail, because then the thing that caused you to go back in the past in the first place to change it won't have happened, so you don't know to go back!


;;; Stuck in a meeting for the rest of the day, so probably no posting

03.01.042

Austin : But we did not come back in time deliberately, or because of the Abyss or the Reveals, we simply came to find something that Gertrude said would be of interest to us. [Shrugs] So perhaps we can stop the Abyss?

03.01.043

Alice: But what how do we figure it out?

03.01.044

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Jordan: Well, Mac said he's an expert on time travel, so why don't we hear what he has to say on that. That may be what Gertrude wanted us to find out.

--f46d0401f99bccec2104d8854923

03.01.045

Clint: No names! I don't want to accidentally wind up being my own father or something creepy like that!

03.01.046

Alice: [Points at Clint] That's Clint Scar!

03.01.046

Charlie: [To Mac] Do you perhaps know something about the Baceks? [To the party] Grandmother seemed rather concerned about that, didn't she?

03.01.047

Clint: Didn't someone say something about them being the end of the world or something like that?

03.01.049

Clint: Huh. Wonder what Gerty wanted us to do with you, then!

03.01.049

Alice: What a gyp! What now?

03.01.050

Charlie: I should like to go to the Manor. Perhaps Grandmother is there?

03.01.052

Austin : [Dryly] Yes, we will watch out for that.

03.01.053

Last from Dom 52

Alice: Unless we're supposed to kill them and not doing so causes a cataclysmic disaster!=

03.01.054

Charlie: [Horrified] Do be serious! We are NOT going to be killing any members of my family.

03.01.055

Austin : [Climbs out of the well] I wonder if they have any Louis XIV. [Straightens a cuff, and checks his hair]

03.01.056

Charlie: [Primly] Well, there is no danger of that, as I am already quite happily married. Now, let us go find Grandmother. [Wide-eyed] Oh, I do wonder what she will be like as a young girl!

03.01.057

Austin : [Glances] That is just what I was wondering.

03.01.058

Alice: Hey! Maybe Austin is Charlie's grandfather! Wouldn't that be funny?

03.01.059

Charlie: [Icily] No.

03.01.059

Austin : [Laughs jovially] Yes, hilarious! [Nods]

03.01.060

[Exit ALL, towards the manor.]


;;; End of scene, next one coming right up!

03.02.001

[Book IX, Act III, Scene II. Bodenringham Manor. ALICE, AUSTIN, CHARLIE, CLINT, DUR, JORDAN and MAC are here, having just arrived at the door. The manor looks just like it did in its heyday.]

Alice: So, uh, do we knock? Or just go in?

03.02.003

Charlie: [To Mac, grabbing his hand] We cannot just go barging in! There will be a small army of servants just inside, and we would be thrown out at once. We must behave as civilized people [looks at the party wearily] though I know this is not natural for many of you! [Raps briskly on the door]

03.02.003

[The door is opened by DARIUS, who gives the party a big smile.]

Darius: Hey! What are you doing here?

03.02.004

Austin : [Suspicious] We are on holiday, visiting Charlies relatives. What are you doing here?

03.02.006

Clint: Is Gerty about?

03.02.007

Darius: I'm on holidays. Visiting Gertie. [Winks and does a finger gun] Click-click!

03.02.008

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Jordan:: [To Darius] I could be wrong, but you asked us what we were doing here as if you know us.


;;; Stupid phone didn't alert me to emails today so didn't realise anyone

had posted.

--f46d0401f99b11c5ea04d8d58da9

03.02.009

Charlie: [Watching Darius disapprovingly] And as if you know Grandmother rather TOO well!

03.02.010

Clint: It's not like he's the stable hand or something, Chuck.

03.02.011

Austin : [Smirking] I would rather expect the stable hand to know Gertrude very well, he is her employee, after all. [Smirks]

03.02.012

Clint: [To Darius.] So are you going to let us in?

03.02.013

Darius: [To Austin] Sometimes I am the stablehand, with my rugged, handsome good looks, other times? Saucy French maid! [Looks at Clint] Depends on who you are?

03.02.014

Dur: [Fingers in his ears] Well we certainly aren't here to inspect your depravities so you can kindly dispense with the detailed accounts, thank you = very much!

03.02.015

Alice: What cavities?

Darius: You sure that Gertie is expecting you?

03.02.016

Clint: [Carefully.] She more or less sent for us.

03.02.018

Darius: Thanks, I like how they make my calves look, but they're really tough on my ankles. [Proudly shows off his high heels] Well, if you think they're honest, then you'd better come in. [Steps back to let the party in]

03.02.019

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Jordan: [With a smile] Why thank you, I think we shall. [Walks past Darius in to the manor]

--e0cb4efe33de0f3ea704d8d74423

03.02.020

[The hallway looks similar to how it did before the fire. As the party file in, GERTRUDE, looking much younger, comes into the hallway. She is clearly a few months pregnant.]

Gertrude: Oh, hello. Who are you?

03.02.021

Charlie: [Beaming] Oh, you look so YOUNG!


;;; Are we supposed to be careful about revealing the future,

;;; Conor?

03.02.022

Gertrude: Of course I do. It's because I am!


;;; Idunno!

03.02.023

Austin : [Apologetically] She can be a little slow sometimes. A future you in 50 years time sent us here to see you, and Charlie here is your granddaughter. We were hoping that you may know why you sent us back in time 50 years?

03.02.024

Gertrude: Really? [Looks Charlie up and down] Ah! [Smiles] The Parker-Kensington genes are strong in this one! [Touches her own forehead] I see the Parker-Kensington forehead survives the next two generations! Come and sit down. I'm afraid I have no idea why you might be here.

03.02.024

Austin : [Cooling himself with a small pocket fan] What a relief! I thought we were going to die horribly, as so often happens in proximity to the manor.

03.02.025

Gertrude: You might still do so. My husband will be back soon and is likely to challenge Darius to a duel.

03.02.026

Charlie: [Uncomfortably] Why would he do that?!

03.02.027

Darius: [Nonchalantly] She broke my heart and I'm here to win her back.


;;; The last interaction the party had with was in Book 8.12, in their

normal time

;;; where he is married to Bruni:

<P><a href=http://queens-view.com/Scripts/08.12.html#12.04.177>Darius' last appearance</A>

03.02.028

Charlie: [Shocked] But Grandmother! You are married woman! How can you allow this? Send him away at once.

03.02.029

Gertrude: Grandmother? [Smiles] I like that! I did send him away, but he came back.

Alice: Like a bad penny?

Gertrude: Not really, they're bad luck.

03.02.029

Charlie: But he IS bad luck! He is absolutely maddening and not nearly as nice as Grandfather. [To Darius] Stop trying to destroy my family!

03.02.029
03.02.030

Gertrude: [To Mac] On the way! [Pats her stomach, she is about four months pregnant] Why?

Darius: I'm trying to save it! No offence, Alice, but Charlie's grandfather is an idiot.

03.02.031

Charlie: [Defensively] He is NOT! [To Gertrude, uncertainly] Is he?

03.02.032

Gertrude: No. [To the party] Did I say anything in the future that gave you a hint about what I would do when you got here?

03.02.033

Charlie: We had been discussing the Baceks when you suggested it. Does that mean anything to you?

03.02.034

Darius: Who says it's his child?

Gertrude: Everyone who knows that I dumped you months before we got married. [To Charlie] The Baceks? No, never heard of it. I must have given you some hint, or some item to take back?

03.02.035

Charlie: [Jaw drops] What do you mean? [To Gertrude, slightly frantic] Grandmother, who's child are you carrying?!

03.02.036

Gertrude: Lannister's.

Alice: Oh my God! Does Charlie's grandfather know about this?

Gertrude: Lannister IS Charlie's grandfather.

Darius: Unless someone kills him and she's descended from your second child!

03.02.037

Austin : [To Darius] I think you have pretty much worn that one out.

03.02.038

Dur: Did future Gertrude give us anything to bring back? I hope it wasn't food... otherwise it may already be gone.

03.02.039

Austin : She said that we would probably see Mac, and that he would have a misspelled 'Jennifer' tattooed on his arm. That was about it. Apart from that we were investigating the coming of the Abyss, and the Reveals. [To Gertrude] Does that mean anything to you?

03.02.040

Gertrude: It's one of The Books, isn't it? It's suppose to describe the end of the world.

Darius: So, how did you guys get here from your own time?

03.02.042

Darius: Mine too. [Leans in close to Mac and nods towards Clint] I think he might be an alien. That smell can't be human, can it?

03.02.044

Darius: [Looks back up at Clint, before whispering almost as fiercely to Mac] Maybe it's some sort of weapon?

03.02.045

Charlie: [To Darius] So, you do not know us?

03.02.046

Austin : [Sighs] He will do soon. Poor devil. [Glances disdainfully at Dur, Mac and Clint]

03.02.046

Darius: Of course I know you! Not all of you, though. You, Austin, Alice, Clint and Dur.

Gertrude: So, how did you get here? How did you travel back?

03.02.047

Charlie: We used an orb, one you gave us. [Politely] Thank you!

03.02.048

Gertrude: My pleasure! What a polite young lady you turn into. I certainly hope that you follow the family tradition and become a Watcher. Oh, best to tell me where and when I give you the orb, just so I know.

03.02.049

Charlie: [Delighted] Oh, yes! I became a Watcher, though, well. . . . There's no need to give away the WHOLE future! [Whips out a notepad] Here, I shall jot down the date and approximate time you told us about the orb. You had hidden it by the well, behind the Manor, which is where we used it.

03.02.050

Darius: By the well? Yeesh. You wanna vague that up a bit?

03.02.051

Austin : It was under the lump of black meteorite rock, which according to Gertrude, had no business being in an Apraxian hayfield. Perhaps the meteor is highly relevant, [to the others] was it there after we time traveled?

03.02.052

Gertrude: There was a meteor shower last night!

03.02.053

Mac: That's right! [Hits head] I can't believe I forgot to mention it earlier. That's one of the ways I knew you guys were coming. It was obviously a Sign.

03.02.054

Clint: Nah. Probably a complete coincidence!


;;; So, we had an unexpectedly good result in a big world cup qualifier

last night. Am still hung over. Sorry!

03.02.055

Darius: Almost certainly. Maybe you should go and check it out, though, just in case.


;;; Tsk!

03.02.056

Austin : Was there anything particularly strange about the meteor storm?


;;; what sport is that in?

03.02.057

Darius: Other than that it was a meteor storm? [Shrugs] It did seem to come from the ground rather than the air.

Gertrude: I was about to go and check it out when Darius arrived. [Holds up a battered and well worn notebook] I just need to get my tweed suit.

03.02.058

Charlie: [Squeals] Oh, a tweed suit! Is it grey?! [Does a double-take, to Darius] Wait, it seemed to come from the ground? That is rather strange, wouldn't you say?

03.02.059

Austin : Yes. Why would anyone want a grey tweed suit? [Looks dumbfounded]

03.02.059

Mac: From the ground! [Brandishes trowel, brush and a small measuring device with gusto] Sounds like an archaeologist is needed! [To Austin] Bet you're glad you found me now! [Looks around outside for any visible meteors or holes.]

03.02.060

Gertrude: Of course it's grey! [Laughs] I mean, do you think I'd have a brown one?

Alice: [To the party] Mac's right, we probably do need an architect, and he does seem to have a towel!

03.02.061

Austin : [Whispers to Alice] That's a trowel, it's like a really small shovel, not a towel!

03.02.062

Alice: Like the kind of one you'd have with a bucket at a beach?

03.02.062

Mac: [To Alice, with aerial trowel-skill display] It may be small but I sure know how to use it!

03.02.063

Charlie: [Delighted] How thrilling! I have wanted to go on an archeological dig for ages!

03.02.064

Alice: [Looks Mac up and down] Sure, you say that now, but I don't think it'll get you dry at all!

Gertrude: I'll be back in a moment!

[Exit GERTRUDE.]

Darius: [To the party] You should go before she gets back.

03.02.065

Austin : Why? She is coming with us. [Glances around the others] Isn't she?

03.02.066

Charlie: She certainly is! [To Darius] You are just trying to get rid of us so you can challenge Grandfather!

03.02.066

Mac: [Nods at Austin] I think we should wait for her: we could use her help finding these meteors. Why don't you put on some wellies and join us too? The more the merrier.

03.02.067

Darius: I just don't want you to have to witness the death of the old fool!

03.02.068

Dur: Perhaps we could put the challenge off until after we have inspected the mysterious meteor shower?

03.02.069

Alice: Isn't it more of a meteor fountain? Or maybe a meteor bidet?

[Enter GERTRUDE, wearing a grey tweed suit.]

Gertrude: Right! [Looks over the party] What's going on?

03.02.070

Dur: Errr.... We thought YOU knew. Weren't we going on some sort of dig?

03.02.071

Charlie: [Excited] We are going to investigate the meteorite. Isn't it thrilling?!

03.02.072

Gertrude: Yes, it is, and that's what I thought too. [Looks at Darius] What about you?

Darius: Sure! I just wanted to leave that bottle of brandy for Lannister. The poison probably won't kill him.

03.02.073

Mac: Okay you do that quickly Darius then we should be off [Prepares to lead the way] . Austin, didn't you say you need to use the toilet? Perhaps you could go now and then join us all over there [points to a likely meteorite growth location nearby, winking meaningfully at Austin] . You can lock the door behind you. [To Gertrude and Darius] Don't worry, he won't touch anything. [Whispers to Austin] Especially not a poisoned bottle of brandy...

03.02.074

Alice: I've a better idea! Austin, maybe you should hide the bottle of brandy!

Gertrude: Oh, pay Darius no mind. He wouldn't try to poison Lannister, would you, Darius?

Darius: Wouldn't dream of it!

03.02.075

Dur: Still... Perhaps it is best to err on the side of caution...

03.02.074

u could go now and then join us all over there [points to a likely meteorite growth location nearby, winking meaningfully at Austin] . You can lock the= door behind you. [To Gertrude and Darius] Don't worry, he won't touch anything. [Whispers to Austin] Especially not a poisoned bottle of brandy...

Austin : My, my, Mac what a fine memory and unfortunately rather less fine vocabulary you have. [To Gertrude] If I may make use of the aforementioned facilities, then I shall join you shortly. One must be wearing the appropriate clothing in order to investigate and meteor-archaeological site appropriately.

03.02.076

Darius: We'll wait for you, Austin.

Gertrude: Yes, the site is about a mile away.

Alice: Great! Let's get that naked guy who keeps having sex with people to drive us there. He seems really nice.


;;; She's referring, of course, to Fletch, who hasn't even been born yet!

03.02.077

Clint: We left him fifty years in the future, Bimbo. But good plan!


;;; Err... association football, to be hyper-precise, and so as not be mocked

;;; for having an American approach to vocabulary. =) Not as morbidly

;;; entertaining as the qualifier we played in a blizzard last Friday,

;;; but infinitely more satisfying!

03.02.078

Alice: Can't we just wait?

[The answer is no. Exit ALL.]

03.03.001

[Book IX, Act III, Scene III. The Golf Carriages. ALICE, AUSTIN, CHARLIE, CLINT, JORDAN, MAC, DARIUS and GERTRUDE are here, racing along in two golf carriages. CLINT is driving one and GERTRUDE the other; they are close enough that everyone can converse easily.]

Gertrude: We haven't been out to the site yet, but neither has anyone else. If there really is no other hint, then the rock the orb was hidden under must have some significance. However, all my research indicates that we could be entering into a highly volatile and dangerous situation. Are you ready for that?

Alice: [To Mac] You better sharpen that towel of yours, Mr. Fancy Architect!

03.03.002

must have some significance. However, all my >research indicates that we could be entering into a highly volatile and dangerous situation. Are you rea=

Dur: If traveling together has taught me anything, Gertie, it's that this group makes EVERY situation volatile and dangerous. [Whispering] After all, = you've smelled Clint right?

03.03.002

Do you still have golf carts in the future? Gosh I can't wait to travel there with you later - I have all sorts of great ideas. [To Alice, waving trowel] Oh its sharp. Would you like to hold my plumb bob?

03.03.003

Alice: [To Mac] That's what she said! [Thinks for a moment] Er, hm.

Gertrude: Unfortunately, Dur, yes. Ah, we're almost here. I had some of the more easily replaceable servants guard it, but I don't see them.

03.03.003

Clint: [Sharply, to Mac.] Hey! There will be no holding plumb bobs in public!

03.03.004

Alice: My old boarding school employed a guy called Plumb Bob. His job was to flash the girls. He always said that it was a plumb job. Although, now that I think of it, he was arrested, and hardly any of our teachers were ever arrested!

03.03.005

Clint: Sounds like a legit teacher to me! Now, let's see if we can find those servants! [Looks around for anything more out of the ordinary than usual.]

03.03.006

Alice: No, he was a Careers Guidance Teacher.

[The party spot several bodies scattered around.]

Gertrude: Good lord! The servants!

03.03.007

Charlie: How dreadful! And good help is SO hard to find!

03.03.008

Clint: [Drily.] Your compassion is overwhelming, Sarge. [Takes a look at the nearest body, to see if he can figure out what happened here.]

03.03.008

Alice: I know! Who's going to make our dinner?

03.03.009

[The body has been torn to shreds. It's not possible to identify if it was animal or weapon, as there is virtually nothing left. It seems to be the same for the other ones. All of their chests have been ripped open/]

Gertrude: How extraordinary! [Starts making notes] There's certainly no indigenous creature that would be capable of this?

03.03.010

Charlie: [Also taking notes. Excited] Marvelous! Could it be a Mngwa? Or perhaps a Hodag? [Super, extra excited] Oh, could I please consult with the Willets-Carruthers Collection, Grandmother?!

03.03.011

Gertrude: [Laughs good-naturedly] If you're good!

Alice: [To the others] Oh, God. Are we being punished?

Darius: [Pokes at one of the bodies with his sword] The heart is gone from this one.

03.03.012

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Austin : [Looks at the other bodies cautiously] Have they all had their hearts removed?

--047d7b15fc29b1fc1a04d95db85f

03.03.013

Alice: Ew! This is disgusting! [This does indeed seem to be the case]


;;; Drew is out for a while

Jordan: But what did it? [Alarmed] And where are the hearts?

03.03.014

Mac: [gingerly stepping around corpses] There is a very strong chance this was done by Martians or Venusians. Yes... Very strong indeed. [Looks up towards stars, but sees nothing except sky.] Hmmm. Unusual. Where is the meteor? If they are gone, perhaps the murderers stole them, or even hatched from them?

03.03.015

owards stars, but sees nothing except sky.] Hmmm. Unusual. Where is the meteor? If they are gone, perhaps the murderers stole them, or even hatched fr= om them?

Charlie: [Nods enthusiastically] Oh, good thinking! It could be these unfortunates were incubators of a sort. [To Gertrude] Isn't it thrilling?! Oh, I have always wanted to write a paper with you, and now here's our chance!

03.03.016

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Austin : It does remind one somewhat of that old message from the grave "From within it consumes". A phrase one of Alice's ancestors wrote in his own blood as he was dieing. [Sighs] But these are just servants, so it probably doesn't apply.

--047d7b67262c10a3d004d95e3948

03.03.016

Gertrude: Indeed! It would be fascinating! We could have young Mac help with the research. Perhaps give him an acknowledgement?

[The party hear a terrific roar from over the brow of a hill. Clearly some sort of animal noise.]

03.03.017

Mac: [Blanching] No that's quite all right - to you and your grand-daughter the glory. Say, why don't we head back to the house for the moment and come back later on instead. [Walks as quickly as possible towards golf trollies] .

03.03.018

Alice: [Draws her sword] Come on Mac! You'll never be a real architect unless you kill something!

03.03.019

Charlie: [To Mac, reassuringly] Do not worry! We are seasoned adventurers and well used to defending the feeble-minded [nods subtly at Dur] and weak [nods subtly at Mac] . Best to a rock to hide behind! [Pulls out her sword and heads toward the animal noise]

03.03.020

[A huge, wolf like creature with massive tusks that drip blood leaps out in front of CHARLIE.]

Alice: Quickly, Mac! Honk the horn on the golf carriage, that'll scare him away!

03.03.020

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Austin : [Dashingly] Once more into the fray! [Readies his sling shot and follows Charlie at a safe distance]

--047d7b5da8915828af04d95ee2e3

03.03.021

Mac: [in golfbuggy, driving wildly] Oh sweet Jesus no - why are you all running TOWARDS the horrible dangerous monster. Why am I following behind in this trolly? Wow these things are really fast! [shooting past Charlie in buggy straight for the wolf-monster] Where are the breaks?!? Agh! WHERE ARE THE BREAKS!?!

03.03.022

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Austin : [Shoots at the wolf] Go Mac! That's the spirit!

--047d7b15a5d3a9e16204d96029b9

03.03.023

[Thump. The golf carriage crashes into JORDAN.]

Jordan: Ow! Hey! That really hurt!

[The monster leaps towards the carriage, only to be struck in the side by an arrow.]

03.03.024

Charlie: [Impressed] Nice shot! [Goes to make sure the wolf is dead]

03.03.025

Alice: Well, thanks very much, but I can't take ALL the credit.


;;; Actually, she shouldn't take ANY, as she doesn't even have a bow.

[It's not dead, but mortally wounded, and has several other wounds. Enter LANNISTER PARKER-KENSINGTON, a dashing and handsome night, covered in blood.]

Lannister: Aha! I see some dashing adventurers have come to my aid!

03.03.026

Dur: [From behind his rock] But we thought you were the dashing adventurer coming to OUR aid?!

03.03.027

Lannister: [Kills the monster] Hah! Brave AND modest, and accompanied by a beautiful woman!

Alice: [Getting all fluttery] How kind of you to say....

[LANNISTER strides up to GERTDRUDE and kisses her passionately.]

03.03.028

Dur: [Still behind his rock, 'just in case'] Hey! That's a married woman!

03.03.029

Lannister: Is that true?

Darius: Yes, but her husband is an idiot.

Lannister: Are you her husband?

Darius: Not yet.

03.03.030

Charlie: [Breathlessly] Grandfather! Oh, how wonderful! [To Darius, smugly] You never had a chance, you silly man!

03.03.031

Lannister: Grandfather? [Lifts an eyebrow]

Gertrude: Our grand daughter, apparently. She and some colleagues have travelled from the future see us!

Lannister: [Looks over the party] What a handsome group of people she knows. [Very quickly steps up to Austin, very, very close] Panda skin gloves? Very discerning. [Steps back and looks at Charlie] It is an honor to meet you, my dear.

03.03.032

Mac: He's fine [dusting off a semi-comatose Jordan] . He was like that before I crashed into him too. Honestly. Pleased to meet you Lannister [proffers hand] I'rm Mac. I'm not from the future. Although I'll probably be going there later.

03.03.033

Lannister: We're all going there, we just have to stand around for a while!

[Everyone laughs.]

Alice: [Stops laughing] I don't get it!

03.03.034

Charlie: [To Lannister] Why don't you have this man [looks coldly at Darius] removed so that we might continue this discussion privately, as a family?

03.03.035

Darius: How do you know that I'm not your real grandfather? [Click-click!]

Alice: [Swoons at Lannister] Or maybe that I'm not your real grandmother!

03.03.036

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Austin : [To Alice] Because you have not had any children? [Offers a hand shake to Lannister] Austin Sleaze, pleased to make your acquaintance.

--047d7b675bfc642f9204d961bc86

03.03.037

Alice: We're traveling in time, Aus! Time is relative to the trajectory of the observer. It's basic math.

Lannister: [Shakes Austin's hand] Good to meet you. Lannister Parker-Kensington. Are you here because of the portal?

Darius: I think they're here because of the duel.

03.03.038

Mac: Yes, that's right. [Nodding confidently] The portal. That's why we're here. The portal which is probably linked to the meteorite growths and the time travelling. The portal to ... ? [waits for Lannister to finish the sentance] .

03.03.039

Lannister: Ha! Excellent! I knew you had the heroic bearing of a knight the moment I heard you screaming like a little girl! It's the portal to [dramatically] where the monsters came from!

03.03.040

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Austin : Perhaps we could call it the portal to the Abyss? [Checks his nails] Anyway, we should really go in there and slay all of the monsters. [Does a test spin of his sling]

--047d7b15fc29ea2b5404d961f864

03.03.041

Darius: Good idea. Why don't you take Prince Haircut and go in? I'll stay here with Gertie.

03.03.042

Clint: I think we should just find a way to close it! Who knows what consequences killing all the monsters could have?

03.03.043

Jordan: [Climbs off the golf carriage, giving Mac a dirty look] Why the hell else did we come back then?

03.03.044

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Austin : Well, I am sure that we will find out in due course. Perhaps we could do some archeology whilst we are waiting?

--047d7b6dbc363a58e404d962a974

03.03.045

Clint: Might as well! It's not like we can pop back to the future to have Gerty be less opaque this time.

03.03.045

Jordan: Or maybe we could just hanging around and do nothing?

03.03.046

Darius: You can bury this idiot [gestures to Lannister] on the other side of the portal.

Lannister: [Laughs] You guys should take Darius before he hurts himself.

03.03.047

Charlie: [Whining] Do we HAVE to? He is SO tedious! Can't you just give him a good thrashing and teach him a lesson?

03.03.048

Darius: [Circles Lannister, fists rolling, preparing to give him a good pounding] Be careful, Sarge! I'm the one who's likely to be your real grandfather! She should be my wife! You don't get to marry my wife!

[LANNISTER adopts a graceful boxing stance and prances around. Bam! He punches DARIUS square on the nose, causing everyone to wince.]

03.03.049

Dur: [Whoops and hollers as the fight breaks out] Who are we cheering for?

03.03.048

Clint: Focus, Chuck, focus! We've got weird monsters to worry about! And a portal. Which is where, exactly?


;;; Did I miss that? I mean, Lanny seems to know where it is, but have we

;;; spotted it yet?

03.03.050

Jordan: I hope they both lose!

03.03.051


;;; No!

Gertrude: [Getting all and bothered] Er, yes, he's right, Lannister. [Fans herself]

03.03.051

Dur: [Scratching his head in confusion] errr.... because.... [Light bulb] YOU want to be Charlie's grand dad?!

03.03.050

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Austin : [Scolding] Neither! In fighting is not a good thing! What happens if they both mortally wound each other, and then another monster arrives? [To Lannister and Darius] Can't you two settle this like men? [Rolls his eyes]

--047d7b675ecabbb12904d9632117

03.03.052

Lannister: That's what I'm trying to do! [Pops Darius on the nose again, causing him to fall down on his backside]

Darius: Ow! [Nose bleeding, clearly close to tears] Odsin's dright!

03.03.052

Clint: Hell, if those two want to beat each other black and blue, let 'em! Meanwhile, we've got a world to save! Or, uh, something. Let's find that portal, guys! [Starts in the general direction Lannister came from.]

03.03.053

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Austin : That is not gentlemanly! A mature and civilised man would simply ask Gertrude which one of you she prefers, as a husband, and then get a restraining order against the other!

--bcaec5299451e5cf3d04d96338a1

03.03.054

Alice: [To Gertrude] Well? Which do you prefer?

Gertrude: Sorry, Darius. It's Lannister. He's just so heroic!

03.03.055

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Austin : [To Gertrude] Excellent choice. [To Lannister] May I offer you my services in the preparation of a restraining order against Darius? [Whips out a notepad and pen]

--047d7b67262cf7b6d904d963920c

03.03.056

Mac: Will you two leave it alone already? We have no idea how long these people will remain in the past - they could be whisked back out into the future at any time! We need to go the abyss now. You two can fight it out once we have killed the monsters and saved the world, but not before! [Tries to pile everyone into the golf buggies] .

03.03.057

Lannister: The monsters are coming from the portal, [points in the direction that he came from] I shall plunge into the portal and destroy them, and you can stay here to pick off any of them that make it through. [To Darius] You can hang around and be pathetic.

Darius: I've a better idea. [Dramatically] I'll go through the portal!

03.03.058

Charlie: [Eyeing Darius warily] Grandfather, perhaps you should stay here to look after Grandmother so no one bothers her! [Gestures grandly to the party] WE shall enter the portal and defeat the monsters!

03.03.059

Lannister: Hah! She's definitely one of us, Gertie. I just hope you don't inherit your grandmother's penchant for bad boys! [To the party] You guys would tell me if that was the case, right? You'd look after her?

03.03.060

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Austin : [Nods, trying to keep a serious face] Certainly would. [To Alice] She only likes good boys, doesn't she Alice. Perfect angels, every one of them!

--047d7b675bfcc4122004d971a40b

03.03.061

Charlie: [Laughs nervously] Er, right! In any case, you don't want to spoil the surprises the future holds, do you, Grandfather? [All business] Now, what can you tell us about this portal? And these creatures? Anything we should know before we go?

03.03.062

Alice: [To Austin] Suuuure!

Lannister: They are vicious, but nothing that battle hardened cohesive [notices Mac and Dur hiding behind the golf carriage] er, well oiled machine like [spots Clint urinating up against a tree, which almost immediately dies] can... er... [looks at what appears to be an old grey rag at Alice's feet] is that your underpants?

Alice: Gah! It's laundry day and I only had these ones, and the elastic is gone! [Pulls them up]

Lannister: [To Charlie] You'll be fine.

03.03.063

Charlie: [To Lannister, brightly] Wonderful! [To the party] Come along, group! Let us see to these portal-creatures at once!

03.03.064

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Austin : Surely we should rest first, then pack some provisions? Whilst you may enjoy the taste of demon meat [gestures to the wolf demon] I for one have had enough demon meat dinners for this lifetime.

--047d7b15a5d3a1b4b004d972e944

03.03.065

Lannister: What a joker! He must be a hoot to have around! No time to rest, my friend -- who knows when the next one will come through?

03.03.066

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Austin : [Giggles] Yes! Only joking. Of course, there is no time to waste [Looks, apprehensively, in the direction of the portal]

--047d7b67262c6389fc04d97333bc

03.03.067

[Everyone advances after DARIUS, and soon encounter him standing in front of a huge pool of green slime. Every so often, a small shower of rocks shoot out of it, causing it to bubble and steam in a most unpleasant way.]

03.03.067

Mac: Super - lets enter the unknown! [Leaps headfirst into closest portal] .


;;;Got a wedding in Belfast all day tomorrow so will be offline (

03.03.068

Alice: Ew! Was that the portal or some sort of disgusting slime pool?

Lannister: Both.

Alice: Sigh. [Leaps in]

03.03.069

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Austin : [Shudders at the sight of the pool] I should probably wait here, and make sure that we are not followed by enemies. And in case we need backup.

--047d7b10ca15c8fbaa04d974aa71

03.03.070

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up. Dur: Look on the bright side Austin! At least it's not water! [Dives in]

--_000_878FBCE00565194FB4E569C5F91B005947B22B1FBBUSASELEWIMM01_

03.03.071

Charlie: [Eagerly joins the others] Goodbye, Grandfather! We shall return when we have taken care of this little problem for you!

03.03.072

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Austin : [Sighs] The things I do for the Realms! [Strips naked and carefully folds and wraps his clothes, wrapping them up and putting them into his satchel] I do hope they have some fresh dry towels! [Dives into the portal hugging his satchel]

--047d7b15a5d32eaf0104d9762c41

03.03.073

Darius: [To Lannister] I'll be back, and when I do, I'll claim my woman. [Jumps in]

[Everyone else jumps in]

Gertrude: I thought the portal would just be water?

Lannister: It is.

Getrude: Then what's this thing?

Lannister: A pool of disgusting sludge.


;;; End of scene, next one coming up!

03.04.001

[Book IX, Act III, Scene IV. Beyond The Portal. ALICE, AUSTIN, CHARLIE, CLINT, DUR, MAC and DARIUS are here, having just appeared in a large cave which is lit by torches in sconces.]

Alice: Where's Jordan?

Darius: [Still bleeding] What's a Jordan?

Alice: The greatest poet in the Realms, that's what!

Darius: Just be glad he's not here.


;;; Gone again! Back online in an hour

03.04.002

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Austin : [Carefully grooming and removing all traces of sludge] I am [Sighs in relief]

--047d7b2e76986a43f604d9768b70

03.04.003

Charlie: [Scraping sludge off her of her suit, wrinkling her nose] Surely there was a better place to put that portal! [Looks around, unhappily] Jordan probably went to the Manor to get a look at the Willetts-Carruthers Collection!

03.04.004

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Austin : [Relieved] Well, as long as he is not writing any more of that awful poetry, there is hope for us yet! [Finishes cleaning and get dressed]

--047d7b6d9086f58c6e04d977272c

03.04.005

Alice: Hey! Don't be so mean! You're just jealous of his huge... talent!

03.04.006

Mac: I write poetry too [grins inanely at Alice] . Anyway, that wasn't too bad - this sludge is lovely and warm. Being born must feel a bit like this. So, where are the monsters?

03.04.007

Alice: [Looks at Mac, shocked, and then slowly starts to applaud] That.. that was beautiful! That's the second greatest poem I've ever heard!

03.04.008

Charlie: [Critically] One prefers poetry that rhymes. [Looks around] Perhaps the monsters do not await us conveniently, and we must go find them? Terribly inefficient!

03.04.009

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Austin : [Looks around] Does anyone have any idea which dimension we are in? [Sighs] It looks like another dead planet.

--047d7b5da89157db7504d985b30c

03.04.010

Alice: Maybe it's just this cave? [Points out a pathway] Looks like there's only one way out of here.

03.04.011

Charlie: [Sword at the ready] Follow me, group! [Heads down the path]

03.04.012

[The party head along the path and can hear what sounds like small waterfall up ahead. They round a corner only to see that the noise is coming from a man, peeing against a wall. He turns to look in their direction, shocked. This is TAM TAMBERS.]

Tam: What the hell?

03.04.013

Charlie: [Shields her eyes] Sorry, we did not mean to interrupt! [Wrinkles her nose disapprovingly] Though WHY are you urinating in your home, rather than out-of-doors?

03.04.014

Tam: This isn't my home! You think I live in a cave? I know you're going to be our saviours and all, but come on, come ON!

03.04.015

Charlie: [Flattered] Saviors? You knew we were coming?


;;; That's my three!

03.04.016

Tam: Well, you're either saviours or blood thirsty monsters who want to kill me.

03.04.017

Dur: [Stomach growling] Errr... of course we're not monsters! So long as you ask the right people....

03.04.018

Clint: "Our" saviors? Just who all are you talking about?

03.04.019

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Austin : Me of course! Have you forgotten how brilliant I am?

--047d7b15a5d3fa74b204d989fc4c

03.04.020

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Dur: Of course we haven't! You can't forget something you don't know!

--_000_878FBCE00565194FB4E569C5F91B005947B22FE7ADUSASELEWIMM01_

03.04.019

Tam: The Saltines, of course! For too long we have been oppressed! It was just a matter of time before some kind souls would hear our call!

03.04.021

Clint: And the Saltines are related to the wolf monsters how?

03.04.022

Charlie: [Puzzled] And what is the significance of salt?

03.04.023

Tam: Salt? Sorry, don't know what you mean. The wolves are pretty scary aren't they? I'd sure hate to be in whatever dimension they came back out into!


;;; Gone for an hour!

03.04.024

Clint: Haw! Those freaks don't stand a chance! Anyway, how many of you Salty people are there?

03.04.025

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Austin : And do all of you believe in us saviors?

--047d7b15fc295cf23504d98b1211

03.04.026

Tam: There are several hundred thousand of us! Now, not everyone would call you saviour, though.

Mac: What would the others call us?

Tam: [Thinks for a moment] Uh, jerk, or schmo.

Alice: Hey!

Tam: Or Shnook or dope... or dipstick... maybe lamebrain.

Alice: I don't think I want to save these people at all!

Tam: Aw, come on! They'll only do it behind your back! Or to your face, when you're thrown in jail.

03.04.027

Clint: So why are we suppose to save you freaks, and what from? I mean, who's oppressing you?

03.04.028

Tam: A fearsome five headed beast, called the Sextilde. [Shudders]

03.04.029

Charlie: [Super excited] Ooooh, how marvelous! [Flips out a notepad] Tell me everything you know about it's eating and mating habits!

03.04.030

Tam: Ew! I don't know anything about that!

Mac: What about how it lives? What are its personal habits?

Tam: Murder, torture, maiming, imprisonment, dance, mutilation, drownings and baking.

03.04.031

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Austin : Baking, good. That's a relief, I thought for a moment that it was completely psychotic!

--e89a8f839047aec52804d99a33f0

03.04.032

Alice: Not so fast, Austin! [To Tam] What kind of baking?

Tam: Uh, the normal kind, I guess. You know, cakes and what-not.

Alice: Do the cakes contain anything disgusting?

Tam: Sure. Mainly fingers and penises. Anything that can be cut off relatively easily.

03.04.034

Austin : Ah, I see, a complete psychotic monster. [Looks annoyed]

Tam: Despite their ingredients, they are surprisingly delicious.

[Notices the disgusted looks.]

Tam: Hey! It's not like I choose to eat them!

03.04.035

Charlie: They force you to eat cakes made from [vaguely] appendages? To what end? [Muses] Perhaps this is a ritual that holds some significance to their culture! If only I could study the creature more closely!

03.04.036

Tam: Study it? Aren't you here to kill the Sextilde?

03.04.037

Charlie: [Reluctantly] Quite probably, if it is as dreadful as you claim. Still, no harm in learning a bit about it first!

03.04.038

Tam: Well, it has five heads. Each more fierce than the last.

Alice: What about the first? Which one is that more fierce than?

Tam: The fifth.

03.04.039

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Austin : I am sure that it will be easier to kill it first, and then study it, for those who are inclined to do so. [Checks his hair in his pocket mirror]

--047d7bf15eb8f8f9f604d99b7430

03.04.040

Mac: So where is it? Does it live here?

Tam: No, in the palace.

03.04.041

Charlie: [Impressed] What a very fancy monster! Where is this palace? [Hopefully] Will they let just anyone walk right in?

03.04.042

Tam: Oh, God no. They have a whole army stopping people like you from getting in the door.

03.04.043

Dur: [Sighs] There's always an army blocking our way into a palace to kill a monster!

03.04.044

Alice: And this army? Is it like an army of cuddly kittens and puppies?

Tam: Not really, but they sure eat a lot of kittens and puppies.

03.04.045

Clint: Better that than penis cupcakes! [Hopefully.] The members of this army, they're really stupid, right? So we can trick our way past them?

03.04.046

Mac: Or avoid them by sneaking into the throneroom through the back door? [Also hopefully] .

03.04.047

Tam: Not a chance! No one gets in except people working there, and then only when they bring nice presents!

[Everyone is distracted by a ferocious growling from further up the passageway.]

03.04.048

Charlie: [Sword out] Careful, group! This magnificent creature might be coming to us, instead!

03.04.049

Tam: Well, one of them is, but she probably has her hounds with her.

03.04.050

Dur: [Cowering] Do they have any exploitable weaknesses?

03.04.051

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Austin : [Hopefully] Perhaps they are vegetarian?


;;; is this working now?

--f46d043c7c58a6064d04d9d9dbfe

03.04.052

Tam: No! And they're attracted to sweat! [Gives Dur a horrified look] And urine!


;;; Out for an hour


;;; Per!

03.04.053

Charlie: [Hands Dur a copper piece] Splendid! You go ahead and draw the creature out, and we shall be waiting in ambush!

03.04.054

Dur: [Pockets the copper piece] Why Do I always have to be the bait?!

03.04.055

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Austin : [Backing off] Good question! Well work on that and let you know when we have an answer!

--047d7bfd0c2ef0e33c04d9da8568

03.04.056

Clint: Don't worry about it, doc. It's a sign of the high respect we have for you. You'll be fine.

03.04.057

TGFzdCBmcm9tIFRvbSAjNTYNCg0KPkNsaW50OiBEb24ndCB3b3JyeSBhYm91dCBpdCwgZG9jLiAg SXQncyBhIHNpZ24gb2YgdGhlIGhpZ2ggcmVzcGVjdCB3ZSBoYXZlIGZvciB5b3UuICBZb3UnbGwg YmUgZmluZS4NCg0KRHVyOiBbS25lZXMgc2hha2luZ10gSSBkb24ndCBGRUVMIGZpbmUhIFtCZWdp bnMgaW5jaGluZyBmb3J3YXJkIHZlcnkgc2xvd2x5IG11bW1lcmluZ10gR29vZCBkb2dnaWUuLi4u IEkgaGF2ZSBhIHNhbmR3aWNoIGhlcmUgZm9yIHlvdS4uLiBbUHJvZHVjZXMgc29tZXRoaW5nIGZy b20gaGlzIHVuZGVyd2VhciB0aGF0IG9uY2UgcmVzZW1ibGVkIGEgc2FuZHdpY2guXQ0KDQoNCg

03.04.058

Clint: [Encouragingly.] That's the ticket, doc! When Charlie here hands you a crap sandwich, give it to the monster instead!

03.04.059

Tam: Is he your leader? How brave he must be!

[Something huge is thundering towards the party, but hasn't yet come into view.]

03.04.060

Dur: Awwww.... Screw this! [Dur tries to cast Summon Monster III before retreating back to the rest of the group]

03.04.061

[Enter MR. CUDDLES, the scariest looking rabbit that anyone has ever seen.]

Alice: Yikes! What the hell is that? Dur, did you do that?

03.04.062

Clint: I sure as hell hope so! [Steps between Mr Cuddles and the party, just in case.] Niiiice bunny...

03.04.063

Dur: I don't think I did!

03.04.064

Tam: Brave AND modest! Amazing!

[MR. CUDDLES leaps onto CLINT and bites him savagely.]


;;; Lose 14hp, Clint

Alice: Yikes! [Pulls out her sword]

03.04.065

Clint: Holy crap! [Attacks the bunny.] Down boy, down!


;;; And here I was just in the process of writing

;;; > Clint: Then throw it your sandwich before it decides to eat us!

;;; I am prescient!

03.04.066

Charlie: [Gasps] Even though it must have the taste of Mr. Scar in its mouth, it has not lost its appetite! [Attacks the bunny]


;;; Freaky!

03.04.067

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Austin : [Shoots the rabbit. Panicky] Kill it! Kill it quickly!

--089e01229032ab3bf004d9dc139f

03.04.068

Clint: I'm workin' on it!

03.04.069

[Everybody lashes into MR. CUDDLES, and, although it inflicts a few more scratches on CLINT, eventually it falls to the ground, dead.]

Mac: Wow! That was super exciting! Hurrah! We've killed the Sextilde! Hurrah! [Looks at Tam] Right?

Tam: Uh, no, that was the Sextilde's pet bunny!

03.04.070

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Austin : [Kicks the dead bunny, nonchalantly] It was not particularly tough.

--047d7bfd0c2e6d671604d9eba36e

03.04.071

Charlie: [Nods] Indeed, we should take our triumphs where they come! [To Tam, hopefully] Is this only pet she has?

03.04.072

Tam: Sure. She only has rabbits.

03.04.073

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Austin : [Trying to be cool] Perhaps a recipe for rabbit stew is in order?

--f46d043c7f4820afb604d9ecfc05

03.04.074

Alice: What's the problem? The rabbit's dead!

03.04.075

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Austin : There is no problem. Unless none of us know how to cook. [Glances around the others]

--f46d0434c0606304f604d9edca42

03.04.076

Darius: [Clearly still feeling sorry for himself] RabbitS.

03.04.077

Dur: [Already holding the dead rabbit corpse] You mean we have to cook it first?

03.04.078

Darius: That depends on what you want to do with it.

03.04.079

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Austin : [Trying to be chilled] How many pet rabbits does she have?

--047d7b5d88edbac98004d9ee40fd

03.04.080

Charlie: [Cheerily] At least it was easily defeated! As long as there are not, say, DOZENS, we should be fine!

03.04.081

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Austin : [Goes a little pale at the thought. Postitively] I am sure we could manage a few dozen.

--047d7bfd0c2e697bc704d9ee6200

03.04.082

Tam: It's not DOZENS. Unless you means dozens of thousands.

Darius: [Grabs Tam by the throat] Look! How many rabbits does she have?

Tam: [Choke!] Why don't you ask her yourself?


;;; Gone for an hour!

03.04.083

Clint: What we need is some poison and a big bag of flesh-tasting carrots!

03.04.084

[Enter KANHILDE, a pouty looking woman who looks like a strange combination between innocent rabbit and sex kitten.]

Kanhilde: I love carrots. I like the way they.... [licks her lips] crunch.

03.04.085

Charlie: [Uncertainly] Indeed. Er, are you a pet, perchance?

03.04.086

Kanhilde: [Takes out a huge carrot and salaciously licks it] No, but I'm always on the look out for new pets. [Smiles coyly as she looks around the party] What are you all doing down in here? In [waves the carrot scoldingly at Tam] a shielded area?

03.04.087

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Austin : Shielded area? Shielded from what or whom, may I ask?

--e89a8ff24929ba288404d9fe9900

03.04.088

Kanhilde: [Licks her lips] From the mean old Sextilde, of course. Now, what would someone be doing that's so.... filthy... that they'd want to keep it hidden away?

03.04.089

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Austin : [Gestures to Clint] Mr Scar may be quite filthy and disgusting, but he does have his good points. Though I would understand that you might want to keep him hidden away. In an air tight container.

--047d7b6d7d04bfac0104d9fece8e

03.04.090

Charlie: [Nods emphatically] Oh my, yes! [To Kanhilde] Not to worry, though. We were just on our way and shan't be bothering you.

03.04.091

Kanhilde: [Shakes her head and makes a sultry, sulky face] No. [To Tam] Tell them what happens to people I don't like.

Tam: [Wretchedly] It usually involves some sort of gouging with very sharp carrots.

03.04.092

Charlie: [To Kanhilde] You do like us, though, right?

03.04.093

Kanhilde: That depends on how well you treated Mr. Cuddles.

[Everyone turns and looks at the tattered and torn body of MR. CUDDLES.]

03.04.094

Charlie: [Looks at Mr. Cuddles and gasp, then coos rather unconvincingly] Oh, ah, he's sweet! And what a deep sleeper he is! Can I pet him?

03.04.095

Alice: And what a delightful shade of red his fur is!

Kanhilde: Of course you can pet him. Just put your sword down first. [Smiles sweetly as she looks around the party] All of you. All weapons.

03.04.096

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Austin : I am most terribly sorry, but we can not consider such a ridiculous request!.

--047d7b5da89126878404da01a965

03.04.097

Charlie: Mr. Sleaze is quite right! Now, do let us pass, and we shall let you get back to [vaguely] twitching your nose and hopping about.

03.04.098

Dur: Errr.... maybe we shouldn't make her angry. We wouldn't like her when she's angry...

03.04.098

Clint: And eating carrots!

03.04.099

Kanhilde: [Nibbling on a carrot which now looks super sharp] I'm afraid I don't much like your tone. You don't sound friendly at all. [To Austin] I think if you had one less testicle, you might be less testy.

03.04.100

Clint: [Firmly.] There will be no removing the lawyer's testicles! Besides, I can tell you that missing a testicle is no fun at all!

03.04.100

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Austin : [Readies his sling shot] I don't think she was talking about *my* testicles, Mr Scar.

--047d7b33dbdc4ac6f804da0380f6

03.04.101

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TGFzdCBmcm9tIERvbSAjMTAwDQoNCj5BdXN0aW4gOiBbUmVhZGllcyBoaXMgc2xpbmcgc2hvdF0g SSBkb24ndCB0aGluayBzaGUgd2FzIHRhbGtpbmcgYWJvdXQgKm15KiB0ZXN0aWNsZXMsIE1yIFNj YXIuDQoNCkR1cjogW09mZiB0b3BpY10gSSBoZWFyIHRlc3RpY2xlIHN0ZXcgaXMgYSBkZWxpY2Fj eSBpbiBzb21lIHBhcnRzIG9mIHRoZSB3b3JsZCENCg --_000_878FBCE00565194FB4E569C5F91B005947C2AEF978USASELEWIMM01_

03.04.102

Clint: [Horrified.] Don't go giving her ideas, Doc!

03.04.103

Kanhilde: Mm! Testicle and carrot stew! My favourite!

[Enter another MR. CUDDLES, followed by another, and another, and another. Soon two more join and immediately start to copulate in front of the party.]

03.04.104

Charlie: [Horrified, to Kanhilde] Your pets are most ill-behaved! [To the party] Let us leave this furry orgy at once! [Tries to storm past Kanhilde]

03.04.105

Kanhilde: Kill them, my pets!

[All rabbits not engaged in disturbing sexual acts charge at the party. Just before they engage, there is a tremendous flash of light from DARIUS's direction, and suddenly, all the rabbits are dead.]

Kanhilde: My babies! My babies!

03.04.106

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Austin : [Shoots Kanhilde] Get her!

--047d7b6d7d0492fa2604da12c18b

03.04.107

Kanhilde: My ba- [bonk!]

[KANHILDE looks up, apparently genuinely upset and hurt.]

Kanhilde: Hey! [Pulls out a huge sharpened carrot] You sons of foxes!

[The rest of the party all attack.]

03.04.108

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Austin : [Continues shooting Kanhilde] Sons of foxes? What kind of a lame insult is that?

--e89a8ff24929ac76c104da12ea68

03.04.109

Kanhilde: Foxes kill rabiiiiiiii [dies]

Tam: I can't believe it! You did it!

Mac: We killed the Sextilde! Hurrah!

Tam: Oh, no, that didn't kill the Sextilde. It made it mighty angry, though.


;;; Gone until 3PM!

03.04.110

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Austin : [Considering] Foxes kill rabbits! [To Tam] You don't happen to know where there are several thousand foxes are, do you? [Searches Kanhilde]

--047d7b6d9086b6001004da1358e2

03.04.111

Charlie: Good thinking, Mr. Sleaze. [Ponders] But then what to do about the foxes? [Suddenly excited] Oh, we could have a Hunt!

03.04.112

Dur: [Also excitedly] Followed by rabbit testicle stew!

03.04.113

Alice: Rabbits don't have testicles! They're girls!

[KANHILDE doesn't appear to have anything at all.]

Tam: What do you want foxes for? All the rabbits are dead!

03.04.114

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Austin : [Frowns] Are there not thousands more outside?

--047d7bf15eb8618c6e04da171ac7

03.04.115

Clint: If there's not, there's gonna be in a minute! Those things breed like rabbits!

03.04.116

Charlie: Perhaps we should make our escape, then! Follow me, group! [Tries to leave the cave]

03.04.117

Tam: [Looks at Austin like he's crazy] No! Why would there be?

Alice: Because thousands of them came in here?

Tam: So? [Looks at Alice like she's crazy]

Darius: Let's leave this loser behind.

Alice: Hey!

Darius: No, [points at Tam] that loser.

[Exit the party.]

Tam: [Takes out a pocket mirror and look at his reflection like he's crazy] Mm. Purple.


;;; End of scene, next one coming right up!

03.05.001

[Book IX, Act III, Scene V. The Sewer. ALICE, AUSTIN, CHARLIE, CLINT, DUR, MAC and DARIUS are here, trudging through what has clearly become some sort of disgusting sewer.]

Alice: Yikes! This almost smells as bad as Clint!

03.05.002

Clint: Look on the bright side, Bimbo - the rabbits and the foxes won't smell us coming while we're down here! Course, once we get out...

03.05.003

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Austin : [Desperately trying to avoid the muck, trousers rolled up and shoe in hand etc] How did the other manage to get in without going through here!

--047d7b6dbc360fb47604da269b6e

03.05.004

Alice: I get that shit doesn't stick to their fur!


;;; Come on! Everyone knows that joke!!

03.05.005

Charlie: [Primly] Alice, really. Aren't things bad enough without your out-of-control profanity?!


;;; EW

03.05.006

Alice: No! Just think about it! We could cover ourselves in dead rabbits and none will stick to us. Then, when we get out of here, we won't look conspicuous.

03.05.007

Charlie: [Considers this] But won't the foxes become enraged?

03.05.008

Mac: And won't the blood soaked rabbits clinging to us be a tiny bit conspicuous?

03.05.009

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Austin : Not to mention a tragic wardrobe failure!

--047d7b15fc2924957e04da2a76c3

03.05.010

Alice: [Huffily] Fine, but I think you'll all look like idiots with crap all over your pants. [Turns away and immediately falls head first into the most disgusting pile of crap anyone has ever seen] Glug!

Darius: [Steps on Alice and peers through a grate] Look! There's a town here!

03.05.011

Clint: [Begins hammering on the grate.] Well, let's go so you guys can all take a bath!

03.05.012

[The grate opens easily and DARIUS climbs out.]

Darius: [Looks back down] It's a town, and there's a carriage blocking us from view of the street. Everyone come up, quickly, and be careful, as Alice's back is very slippy!

03.05.013

Clint: [To Alice.] I'd help you up, Bimbo, but I'm not touching you until you get cleaned up! [Tries to get up out without having to step on poor Alice.]

03.05.014


;;; Who'd thought Clint would be a gentleman!!

Alice: Aw, thanks Clint! [Gets to her feet and climbs out] Look, it's a laundry truck. Let's get in and get some clean clothes!

03.05.015

Clint: Okay, but they better have a rope belt and moldy underwear in there somewhere! [Looks for suitably moth-eaten clothes.]


;;; That's my three!

03.05.016

Charlie: [Looks into the truck, anxiously] Is there anything tasteful inside? Something grey? In a suit?

03.05.017

Clint: C'mon now, Sarge, what're the odds they'll have something that specific?

03.05.018

Alice: Come on! Let's check it out!

[Everyone loads in.]

Alice: It's mainly togas!

03.05.019

Charlie: [Delighted] Oooh, perhaps they are for a costume party! We must organize a few party games, like Name That Cryptid or Hookers and Blow!

03.05.020

Clint: [Grabs a toga.] Maybe people around here just like wearing bedsheets!

03.05.021

Alice: [Putting on her own toga] Hey! They're really fashionable! Look! [Turns around, revealing that there's an unfortunate and rather disgusting stain on the back of it] Isn't it great?

[Enter JORDAN, leaping into the back of the carriage.]

Jordan: Hey! There you guys are! I thought I'd lost you!

03.05.022

Charlie: [Looks at Alice's toga and shudders] Perhaps these have yet to be cleaned! [To Jordan] Where on earth have YOU been? Off writing poetry when important work needed to be done, no doubt?!

03.05.023

Jordan: Writing poetry, looking at things of beauty, but then trudging through a disgusting sewer full of dead rabbits. A man with no pants told me that he'd seen you. It's just so great to see you all!

03.05.024

Alice: We're going to a toga party, Jordie! Look at how stylish mine is!

03.05.025

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Jordan: Yes yes, very stylish Alice. Love your addition to the back of it. [To the party] So what did I miss?

--089e0122883e7cbffc04da63f578

03.05.026

Darius: A strangely attractive crazy woman in a rabbit outfit tried to stab us to death with some carrots.

03.05.026

Charlie: We've only just arrived and found this truck of soiled linens!

03.05.027

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Austin : [To Jordan] You did miss my rather brilliant attack on an evil witch! Fortunately for you we managed to kill her [Frowns at a toga he is holding]

--047d7b5d9ecbd21c4804da640ce3

03.05.028

Alice: Mine isn't soiled! [Takes a look at the back] Hey!

[The carriage suddenly jerks forward, sending everyone flying into what has to be the stinkiest bunch of clothing on the planet. The carriage is clearly moving at speed.]

03.05.029

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Jordan: Now hey! There was no need for that! [pulls out a hanky to try and rub the smell of the laundry off his face]

--001a11c238c4fe672d04da6483d9

03.05.030

Alice: Here, Jordan, use this one! [Hands him a sheet]

03.05.031

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Jordan: Oh! Thanks Alice [takes the sheet and starts to rub his face]

--089e0149405c0adc6504da64f54e

03.05.032

Charlie: [Repulsed] Oh, DO stop that! You are likely to catch all manner of social diseases, rubbing your face in that filth!

03.05.033

[JORDAN pulls ALICE's sheet off her as he wipes his face, revealing the greyest granny under wear that anyone has ever seen.]

Alice: Joooordan!


;;; Out for anything from 1-3 hours!!!

03.05.034

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Jordan: [Looks up from behind the sheet, confused] Huh? What I do now?


;;; Out for about a hour

--089e0158c7ce9ad96e04da65d30a

03.05.033

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Austin : [Smirks] I expect that it is the anti-social diseases that he is worried about.

--047d7b6dbc36e58c9504da664cef

03.05.035

Alice: Shriek! [Covers herself] I can't believe you all saw me in these! I never wear these! It's just that it's.... what's that day when the servants clean all your stuff called?

03.05.036

ts clean all your stuff called?

Dur: Your birthday? That's the only time mother gave me a bath growing up. Still, she wasn't so cruel that she would make me wear those.=20

03.05.037

Alice: If she didn't make you wear them, then how come you DID wear them?

03.05.038

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Austin : [To Alice] I think it was called 'everyday'.

--bcaec51f905d6ba16704da671fca

03.05.038

Dur: Shut up! Everyone has fetishes!

03.05.039

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Jordan: [Looks at the grey knickers rather disturbed] okay, so who was wearing these, Dur or Alice?

--089e0122883e3497fa04da672ea7

03.05.040

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Austin : Alice *is* wearing them! [Tries to find a cleaner toga for Alice] I'll find you a cleaner one!

--e89a8ff249294d71b404da676988

03.05.041

[AUSTIN roots around and finds a sheet that is marginally less disgusting than the others. The carriage screeches to a halt, sending everyone flying again.]

03.05.042

Clint: [Picks himself up.] I don't know why you people are complaining about a little dirt when the real problem is clearly bad driving! [Looks around to see if he can spot someone driving the carriage.]

03.05.043

[Unfortunately, the carriage is closed in, so the only way out is the back. However, the carriage is now stopped.]

03.05.044

Clint: Anyone who doesn't want to get killed better move on out the back. [Does so himself, hopping out of the carriage.]

03.05.045

Charlie: Agreed, nothing to be gained by lingering here! [Follows Clint]

03.05.046

[Just as CLINT approaches the back of the carriage, the door opens. There stands CON JAZALE, looking quite surprised.]

Con: Hey! [Calls to someone out of sight] There's a bunch of people here wearing dirty sheets!

03.05.047

Charlie: [To Con, with a sniff] That just goes to show what YOU know about fashion! This is all the rage in Faris, Prance!


;;; I know, that Queensviewification is even more wrong than usual!

03.05.048

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to be more my taste of location. Very good for relaxing and recreational activities.


;;; Ah good old Hamsterdam, the one place where cheese consumption is legal

--14dae94edeb71fd09e04da7805a3

03.05.049

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Austin : [Agrees] Unless you like hill walking and mountains!

--047d7b67211a73ec9804da7816f0

03.05.050

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Jordan: Aussie my dear boy, if I wanted to do that I'd go to the Heralayas.

--14dae94edeb72d4ea104da782272

03.05.051

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Austin : Good, I shall book my holiday in the Alps then.

--bcaec529945164380404da783bfb

03.05.052

Con: I don't care where you're going on holidays! We're about to rob a bank!

03.05.053

Charlie: [Disapprovingly] Oh, really? Why not get a job instead? Surely there are [finger quotes] fast food establishments about that need bus boys and such?

03.05.054

Con: Fast food? You mean, like horse burgers and stuff?

03.05.055

Charlie: No, I do not! They are quite repulsive!

03.05.056

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Jordan: Speak for yourself Chuckles, I find horse burgers rather tasty and satisfying. [Ponders then thinks out loud without realising] I wonder how it would taste with cheese.

--001a11c37b3c54aa3a04da7965c5

03.05.057

Con: Look, if there were any restaurants, we'd gladly get jobs, but there's not. There's just crap, misery and poverty. And too many rabbits and sandwiches!

03.05.057

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Austin : Awful? Surely something like a cream and pepper sauce would be more appetizing?

--047d7b10c89d9aed4804da7a45fc

03.05.058

Clint: Some dead rabbits just back that way - you could make bunny burgers out of them, start your *own* restaurant!

03.05.059

Con: Get out of it, you Prancie!


;;; Gone for an hour!

03.05.060

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Austin : What in the Realms is a Prancie? I expect that whatever it is, it is the nicest name Mr Scar has ever been called!

--047d7b15ac2590c25304da7c0e51

03.05.061

Clint: Probably you have your prancers and your prancies! [Disembarks the carriage, giving Con a suspicious look.]

03.05.062

Con: Well, it's not!

[CLINT tries to exit, but is blocked by another man, SAM BO. Sam is covered in all sorts of awful scars.]

Sam: What's this?

03.05.063

Charlie: [Breezily] Just a group of friends, out on the town! [Hesitates, noting the scars] Is everything all right?

03.05.064

Sam: We're about to rob a bank to steal gold to fund an uprising against a five headed demon and our plan has just been compromised by a bunch of toga wearing weirdoes.

[Time passes.]

Alice: Uh, so is it or isn't it?

03.05.065

Charlie: [Excited] Oh, how marvelous! We actually have quite a similar aim. We, too, are in opposition to a certain five-headed demon. Perhaps we can join forces?

03.05.066

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Jordan: What five-headed demon?


;;; out for about 3 hours

--047d7b344172549c6d04da8bccf8

03.05.067

Alice: The sexy tilde!

03.05.068

Charlie: So, will we work together to defeat our common enemy?!

03.05.069

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Austin : Some level of co-operation certainly makes good sense. Perhaps we could schedule a planning meeting?

--047d7b15fc295426dc04da8e8751

03.05.070

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TGFzdCBmcm9tIERvbSAjNjkNCg0KPkF1c3RpbiA6IFNvbWUgbGV2ZWwgb2YgY28tb3BlcmF0aW9u IGNlcnRhaW5seSBtYWtlcyBnb29kIHNlbnNlLiBQZXJoYXBzIHdlIGNvdWxkIHNjaGVkdWxlIGEg cGxhbm5pbmcgbWVldGluZz8NCg0KRHVyOiBXaWxsIHRoZXJlIGJlIGZyZWUgZm9vZD8NCg --_000_878FBCE00565194FB4E569C5F91B005947C2D1FFD5USASELEWIMM01_

03.05.071

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Austin : There will be no free lunch Mr Dur, I expect nothing less than your full cooperation and dedicated input. I am quite sure you will be over flowing with good ideas.

--bcaec529945118325604da8eb7ee

03.05.072

Alice: [Startled] You know that's Dur, you're talking to, right?

Sam: Damn it all to hell... [looks off into the distance] let's do this thing.

03.05.073

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Jordan: I assume that is why he called him Mr Dur. So anyone mind telling me why this Sexy Tilde is our enemy?


;;; Last from me today. Back is hurting too much to stay at the computer.

--14dae94edb8fb76f0204da8f3d82

03.05.074

Alice: Because she set our mean bunnies on us and tried to stab us with a really sharp carrot!

03.05.074

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Austin : Perhaps you could go and try to make friends with her. Your poetry is highly effective in wooing young women, it may work on her. Then you could report your findings back to us.

--bcaec51f905dcad4b204da8f5f60

03.05.075

Charlie: [Amused] Indeed, I suspect she will hardly woo-ound you at all! [Giggles at the enormous hilarity of her own pun]

03.05.076

Clint: No more puns! [Darkly.] We don't actually *need* a clipboard-carrying tweed-wearing geek in the group, Sarge.

03.05.077

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Austin, while frowning at Charlie] That may not be such a bad idea, your plan has merit. My poetry did get me Alice as a fan after all [rolls his eyes]

--14dae94edeb7b4936f04da9cab00

03.05.078

Alice: It is ever so good! Say something poetry!!

03.05.079

Charlie: Yes, well, just in case, perhaps we should make another plan of attack first? What weaknesses does Sextilde have?

03.05.080

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Austin : A love of vampire bunnies? Perhaps some vampire bunny related poetry would do the trick?

--047d7bacc33e8ec59504da9f8b31

03.05.081

Sam: No, that's just Kanhilde. The others are different.

03.05.082

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Jordan: So what things does Sexytilde like then? Give me some ideas of what to recite to her

--089e013c66a68c3ce604daa16c84

03.05.082

Charlie: [To Sam] What was your plan of attack? After robbing the bank?

03.05.083

Sam: First off, it's Sextilde, and it's not a her, it's a them. [To Charlie] We were going to buy a crap load of explosives and destroy the castle.

03.05.084

Charlie: [Shocked] But won't that kill dozens of innocent people?!

03.05.085

Jordan: As tragic as it may sound, a little revolution does require some sacrifice of the innocent.

03.05.086

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Austin : There are always plenty of innocents sacrificing themselves, it is ourselves that we should be worried about. I'd rather not die again, although it may be preferable to wearing these [Looks in disgust at the toga]

--047d7b67211a17934404daa3c148

03.05.087

Alice: Come on, Aus! It'll be great fun! Yoga! Yo-ga! Yo-ga!

Sam: You're right. Many will die. Perhaps the entire world. But that's better than being under the rule of Sextilde.

03.05.088

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Austin : [To Alice] Whilst it may be wise to limber up before a fight, we need to prioritize our actions in order to keep within the inevitable resource and time constraints. [To Sam] Do you have lots of explosives?

--047d7b67211add318404daa43193

03.05.089

Charlie: What good is it to destroy a world to rid it of Sextilde?! We must find another way to defeat her.

03.05.090

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Austin : It won't really destroy the world, it'll just be a really big bang. Destroying the world is a little over dramatic.

--047d7b6dc49e722ef104daa46727

03.05.091

Sam: How many explosives do we have now? Right at this moment? Uh, none!

Con: It might be dramatic, but it'll make a point!

03.05.092

Jordan: So does a sharp carrot from what I've heard.

03.05.093

Clint: Well, if you've got to go, at least we can go out with a bang! But I say we find a... saner way of dealing with the problem!

03.05.094

Alice: Good point, Charlie. [Does a double take] Whaaa?

03.05.095

Clint: [Shrugs.] Just sayin', Bimbo. You really trust some of these guys with explosives?

03.05.096

Alice: More than I trust you with them!

03.05.097

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Austin : [Chuckles] Better the devil you don't know!

--047d7b15ac25d5d10c04daa53ace

03.05.098

Alice: I know! [Thinks] Er, I mean, I don't know!

03.05.099

Clint: Now that we're all sorted out, are we really planning on blowing lots of innocent people into little tiny bits?

03.05.100

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Austin : No Mr Scar, do pay attention! We are planning on blowing up the palace, and we will avoid causing the suffering of any innocent people if we are able. The needs of the few out weigh the needs of the many.

--bcaec51f905dd1cd9404daa5a0ee

03.05.101

Alice: So what's the plan?

Sam: We pretend to be here to collect their laundry, and then, when they open the vault, we grab the cash!

03.05.102

Charlie: That's a dreadful plan! Why on earth would they keep their laundry the vault?!

03.05.103

[SAM and CON have a quick conversation in hushed tones, before turning back to the party.]

Sam: Well, what's YOUR plan?

03.05.104

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Austin : [To Charlie, surprised] Huh? So where do you keep your laundry?

--047d7b33dbdcc86d5704dab4c7b8

03.05.105

Alice: Yeah! Where DO you keep the laundry?

03.05.106

Charlie: [Indignant] How should I know? Do I look like a housemaid?! [Firmly] But we only keep family heirlooms and other such valuables in the vault, that much I do know!

03.05.107

Jordan: What I want to know is, why does the bank have dirty laundry? What kind of laundry?

03.05.108

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Austin : I expect that they launder money, that is what banks do, after all.

--047d7b5d9ecbe3f26f04dab602a0

03.05.109


;;; Boom boom!

Con: That's what I said! [To Sam] See? Even he thinks it's a good idea!

Sam: Look. I think we need to kick the door down, swords blazing, and steal everything. Anyone got a better plan?

03.05.110

Charlie: Yes! Let us just arm ourselves and attack Sextilde.

03.05.111

Dur: What's 'laundry'?!


;;; Sorry for my absence yesterday. My computer crashed and I was at IT forhalf a day trying to get it fixed and ended up with a loaner -.-

03.05.112

Alice: So is Sextilde in the bank?

Con: No! The money is in the bank! We're not sure where the laundry is.


;;; Gone for the weekend!

03.05.113

Clint: I can't believe I'm saying this, but I agree with Sam. Boot to the door, maybe a couple of boots to the face, and bam, problem's over!

03.05.114

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Austin : And this helps us get explosives in what way?

--e89a8ff2492981add604dab7e484

03.05.115

Clint: Well, once we've kicked in the door and stolen the cash from the bank, we can *buy* the explosives.

03.05.116

Alice: Yeesh, Austin! You think we're just going to steal them? That would be illegal. Now, come on, let's rob this bank!

03.05.117

Jordan: Besides, the guys with the bombs might be heavily armed. You know, having done weight lifting, and full of muscles.

03.05.118

Charlie: [To the rest of the party] Do all of you want to rob the bank?!

03.05.119

Darius: Of course we do! Come on, let's go and kill something!

03.05.120

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Austin : [Apprehensively] Oh, do we have to kill things too?

--047d7b33d09a7afe0d04daf10d21

03.05.121

Sam: We don't HAVE to!

[Everyone charges towards the bank.]

03.06.001

[Book IX, Act III, Scene VI. Outside The Bank. ALICE, AUSTIN, CHARLIE, CLINT, DUR, MAC, JORDAN, DARIUS, SAM and CON charge up to the door, weapons drawn.]

Alice: [As they approach the door] Gives us all your money!

03.06.002

Charlie: [To Alice] Perhaps we should go inside first! [Tries the door]

03.06.003

Jordan: [Laughing] OH come now Chuckles, suggesting something that actually makes sense. Shame on you!

03.06.004

[Alas, the door is locked. However, as it is glass, the party can see through it and that there are people inside, including a security guard.]

03.06.005

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Austin : Oh dear, what a pity. Perhaps we should just go for coffee instead?

--047d7b33d09a01e5eb04daf39261

03.06.006

Jordan: [Knocks on the door, waving to the security guard] Hey! Any chance you could let us in? We desperately need to make a withdrawal! It's a matter of life and death!

03.06.007

Alice: [Still holding her sword] Yeesh, Jordan! Don't just give the whole thing away!

[The security guard, BALL SECURITY, walks up to the door, agonisingly slowly.]

Ball: [Calls out, but can barely be heard through the thickness of the door] What? Do I really have to come all the way over there?

03.06.008

Jordan: [To the party, quietly] Put your weapons away [To Ball] Yes, you do! Come on man, hurry up! Someone might die!

03.06.009

Clint: Besides, the exercise will do you good!

03.06.010

Dur: I'd thank you to leave the medical advice to us trained professionals Clint! I won't be sued for malpractice because you go around giving crazy a= dvice like that! [Scoffs] Exercise, honestly?

03.06.010

Ball: [Stops for a quick break] Give me a second!

03.06.011

Alice: Never! I only ever exercise dishonestly. Why, this morning I ran a marathon!

Ball: [Gets to the door] Now, you're not going to rob us, or anything right?

03.06.012

Dur: Do we LOOK like we have the cunning or capability to pull off the robbery of this size?!

03.06.012

Charlie: [Laughs merrily] Goodness, NO! Surely you can tell from my aristocratic bearing I would have no need to [finger quotes] rob you!

03.06.013

Ball: Uh, I'm not sure I understand anything you guys just said, but I'll take it as no. [Opens the door] Now, what can I do for you?

03.06.014

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Austin : We would like to make a large deposit.

--047d7bacc33e3fbe0004daf4627f

03.06.014

Dur: Get him! [Tries to tackle the guard]

03.06.015

Clint: Doc! Control yourself! [To Ball.] Sorry about that. He gets excited!

03.06.015

[BALL turns to run, but DUR knocks him to the ground, and holds him there, so that he is lying on top of him.]

Ball: [Looks over his shoulder at Dur] Er, what sort of deposit do you mean?

03.06.016

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Austin : An extremely large deposit of a very rare kind of gold, known to experts as noseeum-gold. But do not worry, we can help you make space for it by moving items of lesser value to an alternative vault.

--047d7b33d09ae9327904daf4a90b

03.06.017

Clint: [To Ball, eying Dur.] Yeah, it's not what you think!

03.06.018

Ball: Oh, well, that's disappointing. Er, I mean, thank Sextilde for that! Unfortunately, the bank is closed now.

03.06.019

Dur: [Tries casting ENTHRALL] Awww, come on. I'm sure you can overlook silly things like bank hours this one little time.

03.06.020

Ball: Uh, well, normally we wouldn't, but, I guess, seeing as how it's you, we can probably make an exception.

03.06.021

Clint: [Surprised as hell.] Good job, doc!

03.06.022

Sam: Oh. I was kind of hoping we'd get to kill someone! What now?

03.06.023

Charlie: Well, now we need to be sure the money has not been compromised! [To Sam] Could you take us to the vault, please?

03.06.024

Ball: Sure thing! Sextilde is there. You'll love her. She brought sandwiches!

03.06.025

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Austin : [Without a hint of terror] Excellent! Let's go. It all sounds like a brilliant plan.

--047d7b33dbdcfe66da04db04f98a

03.06.026

Alice: Er, do we need carrots? [Handles her sword nervously]

[BALL leads the party to a back office, where a harassed looking man, MO MONEY, sits surrounded by figures, adding machines and sandwiches. He looks up.]

Mo: What the hell is going on?

03.06.027

Charlie: [In a low voice] Er, is Sextilde around? We are planning a surprise party for her, so we don't want to spoil the, uh, surprise!

03.06.028

Mo: There are two of them in the next room!

03.06.029

Jordan: [To the party] Okay, so now what?

03.06.030

Alice: We stay very quiet and say nothing for a few hours. That way, they won't get to see us!

Con: No way! [Pulls out his sword and charges] Yeeeeeeeeeha!

[CON disappears into the hallway. There is a sickening thud, and his head rolls back out.]

03.06.031

Dur: [Cowering, then to Charlie and Alice] Errr.... Ladies first!

03.06.031

Jordan: So much for that plan [draws his weapon and readies himself]

03.06.032

Alice: [To Dur] Go on, then!

[Enter KONHILDE, a crazy looking queen, eating what appears to be a heart. She looks displeased.]

Mac: For the future! [Charges at Konhilde, only to be stabbed through the throat by her sceptre.]

03.06.033

Jordan: [Watches in horror as Mac is killed instantly] Er, guys, I think we're in trouble!

03.06.033

Clint: Time for... plan B! [Moves to cover the party's retreat.]


;;; Sorry all. Insomnia on no small scale last night => oversleeping this

;;; morning.

03.06.033


;;; FYI, your hard-working GM is out for the day and

;;; asked me to pause the game for him. Back

;;; tomorrow with more wacky shenanigans!

On Tue, Apr 23, 2013 at 11:41 AM, Tom Henderson

03.06.034

Alice: [Looks out the door] Uh, does plan B involve those guys? [Points to the hundreds of soldiers who have suddenly appeared outside]

03.06.035

Clint: Uhh... who's got plan C?


;;; off to sleep!

03.06.036

Charlie: [Hopefully] Perhaps they intend to rise up against Sextilde?

03.06.037

Soldiers: [With one voice] Death to those who oppose Sextilde!

Konhilde: [To the party] You have a choice. I can kill you, or my sister can kill you.

Con: I've a better idea! I'll kill y-

[She throws her sceptre at CON, stabbing him in the throat. He falls to the ground, coughing and spluttering.]

Alice: What? What's your idea?


;;; Dom is away

Austin: Whatever it is, I think it didn't work.

03.06.038

Charlie: We choose your sister!

03.06.039

Jordan: {Quickly, hands raised] Hang on just a darn minute! Who said we were against Sextilde? Just because we were standing in the same room as him [points to Con] does not mean we were or are also against Sextilde!

03.06.040

Austin: Indeed! We love Sextilde. Hurrah Sextilde, I say.

Konhilde: Very well, then. If that's true, then [points to Sam] kill him.

03.06.041

Dur: And deny you an obvious treasured hobby? We wouldn't dream of it! You're so talented it would put the rest of us to shame!

03.06.042

Konhilde: Kill him or I shall kill you. It will be very painful.

03.06.043

Jordan: [To Sam] Sorry bub, but you heard the lady. No hard feelings?

03.06.044

Sam: Sure, fair enough. [Puts down his sword] Hey! Wait a minute!

03.06.045

Jordan: [To Charlie] Well, you are our leader. [Pauses] Hang on a minute! [To Sextilde] Why does he have to die? He hasn't done anything to you either!

03.06.046

Konhilde: He killed my sister.

03.06.047

Charlie: [To Konhilde] How dreadful! I shall see to him, but I prefer to do it in private. I have certain ancient family killing secrets to protect, you see. [Takes Sam's hand] Follow me, and I shall kill you horribly!

03.06.048

Jordan: Make sure he screams, horribly. [To Sam] I hear your methods of painful death make married life to a demon seem like paradise

03.06.049

Clint: [Chewing scenery shamelessly.] We're gonna take pleasure in guttin' you, boy. [Tries to lead the party to somewhere private and, more importantly, far away from here.]

03.06.050

Sam: You bastards! [Punches Charlie in the face]

03.06.051

Clint: [Trying to subdue Sam and whisper just quietly enough that only he can hear.] Come with us if you want to live.

03.06.052

Sam: [Stabs Clint] You scumbags!

Konhilde: [Face lights up] Kill him!

03.06.053

Clint: [Very regretfully tries to kick Sam in the gonads.] Trust me, this'll hurt you more than it hurts me!

03.06.054

[CLINT goes for the kick, but doesn't quite connect, and receives a slash across the chest from SAM.]


;;; Lose 9hp Clint

Sam: Why! Why?

Alice: I'll knock him out! [Bonks him on the head with her sword]

Sam: Ow! Hey! That really hurt!

03.06.055

Charlie: [Pulls out her sword and attacks Sam] You imbecile!

03.06.056

[CHARLIE stabs SAM in the stomach.]

Sam: Why? Whyyyy!

Konhilde: [Waves her hand in front of her face, as though she's feeling somewhat excited] Oh my! Betrayal! Oh! Oh yes! [Closes her eyes and her cheeks get even more flushed] Oh yes!

03.06.057

Charlie: [Going for saucy but sounding more stilted and awkward than anything] Liked that, did you, you filthy minx?! [Tries to quickly stab Konhilde while she's distracted]

03.06.058

Konhilde: Oh yes! The look of surprise in his face when he [opens her eyes in surprise] oh!

[Too late! CHARLIE stabs KONHILDE, and is quickly joined by ALICE, driving her sword deep into the very, very surprised and somewhat disappointed KONHILDE.]

03.06.059

Clint: C'mon, Konny, you know you wanted it! [Helps with the stabbing as needed.]

03.06.060

Last from Tom 59

[The entire party lay into KONHILDE, and soon she is no more. The waiting soldiers begin to advance, just as BRUNI enters, eating a sandwich.]

Bruni: Hey! What's going on?


;;; The party attend Bruni and

;;; Darius' wedding in the future.=20


;;; pause until Tuesday!

03.06.061

Last from Conor 60

Jordan: [Looks up at the newcomer] Oh not much my dear, just a slight disagreement. I say, what a delicious looking sandwich. Do you have any more? These soldiers look hungry, and I fear they intend to eat us for lack of another source of food.

03.06.062

Bruni: [To the soldiers] Help! Help!

03.06.063

Charlie: [Tries to grab Bruni] Shh! We are friends of yours. You have nothing to fear!

03.06.064

Bruni: Murderers! Help!

Darius: [Holds his sword up against her throat] Shut the hell up! [To the soldiers] Back off!

03.06.065

Jordan: [Hands up defensively] Now now, let's not be so hasty. We are not murderers, we are cereal killers. Besides, we were acting in self defence. She had already killed one of these men [points to Con] and wanted us to kill the other [points to Sam] or else she was going to kill us. She killed both so we defended ourselves before she could kill any of us. [To the soldiers] Isn't that right men?

03.06.066

Soldiers: [With one voice] No!

Bruni: Self defence? You've just broken into the bank, loaded down with weapons -- we're the ones acting in self defence!

03.06.067

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Austin :There seems to be some miss-understanding, we did not break into he bank, the security guard kindly let us in through the front door.

--bcaec521618b08d47a04db941f2e

03.06.068

Jordan: And the weapons are just our every day attire. I knocked on the door, we told the security guard we needed to make an emergency withdrawal as a matter of life and death, and he kindly let us in and even led us to the vault.

03.06.069

a matter of life and death, >and he kindly let us in and even led us to the vault.

Dur: Yeah! Do we even look capable enough to break into a bank?

03.06.069

Bruni: [Looks at the party] You're lying. You came here in a laundry truck to try and help rob the bank to buy explosives to kill us.

03.06.070

Clint: [Scoffing.] Oh, sure, that's what we *said*, but we didn't actually rob the bank, did we?

03.06.071

Bruni: And you haven't been tortured to death horribly yet either, but that doesn't mean you won't.

03.06.072

Clint: Well, in that case... [To the soldiers.] Now back off or the broad gets it! [Nods to Darius' sword.]

03.06.073

Alice: No! He's not going just give her the sword, Stinky! That would be crazy!

Bruni: I think he meant that he'd kill me -- right?

03.06.074

Charlie: Well, I don't know about that! It might have been meant euphemistically. [Whispers] Do you find him attractive? Just between us girls.

03.06.075

Bruni: Which one? The really attractive one or the one with the awful smell?

03.06.076

Jordan: The one who is itching to stick something in you is the one she means. I think.

03.06.077

Clint: And by "something" he doesn't mean a fork and knife, so it's not you, doc.

03.06.078

Bruni: I think he's adorable, especially his big.... nose.

[DARIUS' nose is still swollen from when LANNISTER punched him.]

Alice: Yay! Hostage situation! Come on, let's start making crazy demands!

03.06.079

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Austin : I want my own twin engined dirigible, with a full crew including four masseuse, so that I can relax as I take in the views.

--047d7b15ac25da58df04db96005a

03.06.080

Clint: Good thinking, lawyer! We can use it to get away from the horde of soldiers just waiting to kill us!

03.06.081

Jordan: I demand that we are crowned supreme rulers of this land and everyone becomes our willing, devoted and loyal minions, with the anniversary of this monumental day marked forevermore with poetry competitions.

03.06.082

Alice: I demand that a Whore Store be opened immediately, and we be given 1000GP, no, 10000GP vouchers to spend there! [To the party] It's where I get my make up and extra extra short skirts. They're great!

03.06.083

Charlie: [Quickly] I demand I not be forced to go into the Whore Store! [Brightly] And also, I wish to demand copies of these 76 rare books [whips out a list] , 10 notepads in blue with a spiral top, a platter of no less than 30 quartered crustless cucumber sandwiches, and a detailed map of this area!

03.06.084

Dur: I demand that baths be outlawed!

03.06.085

Bruni: I can't really help out with any of that, but I do have sandwiches.

03.06.086

Dur: Yay! I demand sandwiches!

03.06.087

Bruni: Great! Do you prefer penises or fingers?

03.06.088

Charlie: [Insistently] Cucumber!

03.06.089

Bruni: How about these? [Picks up a sandwich] It's mainly cucumber.

03.06.090

Clint: Just as long as it's not knuckle! [To the party, alarmed.] You guys are really getting into the spirit of this!

03.06.091

Alice: It's not our first hostage taking, you know!

Bruni: So, before my sisters come in and kill you all, why don't you tell me why you're doing this? Do you hate the people?

03.06.092

Clint: Nah. We're actually trying to save people, using creative lies and mindless violence. It's what we do!

03.06.093

Bruni: Save them from what?

03.06.094

Charlie: [Enthusiastically] Oh, all SORTS of things! [Ticks off on her fingers] Hordes of demons, out-of-control bureaucrats, horrific monsters that initially seem like harmless teddy bears. . . .

03.06.095

Clint: Don't forget the horrific teddy bears that initially seem like harmless monsters! [To Brunhilde.] See? We're the good guys!

03.06.096

Bruni: What horrific teddy bears? You're putting this all on, aren't you?

Darius: Don't play dumb with us, bitch! We'll cut your throat!

Bruni: [To the party, with a big smile] Oooh! He's really forceful, isn't he? Is he always like this?

Alice: He just had his heart broken. By Charlie's grandma!

Bruni: Aw! No wonder he's so cranky!

03.06.097

Charlie: [Nods] Indeed! Perhaps we could all go somewhere--more private? [Quickly] So YOU can be alone, and we can give you some privacy. While there, but not watching!

03.06.098

Darius: What makes you think I'd want to be alone with this pyscho? What about the killer bunnies?

Bruni: He's so funny! Killer bunnies indeed!

03.06.099

Jordan: Killer bunnies? Is that anything to do with the sharp and pointy carrot women you told me about before we got here?


;;; Sorry, been out all day

03.06.100

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Austin : There most certainly were killer bunnies. We came here to destroy the source of the monsters that are attacking our realm.

--047d7b33dbdc47750e04dbae7008

03.06.101

Bruni: [Genuinely shocked] Killer bunnies? The only bunnies I know of are Kanhilde's, and they just bounce around giving people chocolate eggs. [Looks around at the party] Don't they?

03.06.102

Charlie: Not in our experience, no! They were vicious little brutes! [Gestures to the wounded party members]

03.06.103

Jordan: I can't speak from personal experience though. I wasn't there for that. But I have come to trust these people and believe what they speak to be true.

03.06.104

Bruni: [Looks at Darius] What about you? Do you trust them?

Darius: No. But what they say is true.

Bruni: [Crushed] That can't be! The people love us!

Sam: [Barely alive] No.... they love you. They hate the rest of Sextilde. [Dies]

03.06.105

Jordan: [Tearing up] Aww, that was so sweet. Using his dying breath to tell you that you are the only one of Sextilde the people love.

03.06.106

Alice: [Touched at Jordan's emotionalism] Aw! That's the cutest thing I've ever seen, Jordie! [Grabs onto him with a huge hug]

Bruni: Aw! Now I'm going to cry! [Joins in the hug]

Darius: [Watching with a cynical look] I've got something in my eye. [Rubs his eyes] Okay, I'll join, but only so I can grab her ass. [Joins in too, with one hand planted firmly on Bruni's rear]

03.06.107

Charlie: [Joins in the group hug, wailing] I miss Pestilence!

03.06.108

Dur: Sooooo.... our plan is to hug our problems away? [Goes to join in the hug, his pants sandwiches squishing audibly]

03.06.108

Ball: I love you, Brunhilde! You're the only one that keeps the others from killing everyone! [Joins in the hug]

03.06.109

Mo: And I love your sandwiches! [Shoves a few down the front of his pants and also joins the hug]

03.06.110

Jordan: [Is stunned by the group hug but hugs back anyway] I should write a poem about this. Alice, is that your hand on my ass?

03.06.111

Alice: [Unconvincing] No!

03.06.112

Jordan: [To Alice] Unhand my rear at once, or I shall be forced to show your underpants to everyone in this room.

03.06.113

Alice: What are you doing with my underpants?

03.06.114

Jordan: I don't have them, you're still wearing them.

03.06.115

Clint: [Looking at the hug with poorly concealed contempt.] How is this hippy "let's hug our problems away!" crap going to do any real good?!

03.06.116

Jordan: Oh Clint, no need to be so morose. All we need is love, it's really not that gross.

03.06.116

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Austin : Well, it is keeping all the hippy grunge all in one place. That is a start.

--047d7b6dc49e40940204dbbdc2e7

03.06.117

Charlie: [Composes herself] Right! Now, we really must overthrow Sextilde [to Bruni] --no offense! I do hope you'll help?

03.06.117

[The hug gracefully breaks apart.]

Bruni: Oh, stop being such sour pusses. Besides, I can tell a lot from hugging someone, [looks over the party] and I know you all now. [Gives a big smile] Everything about you.

03.06.118

Bruni: Of course! I just hope I can talk sense to the others. I do think they'll be a bit miffed about you killing our sisters, though.

03.06.119

Clint: Sounds like a plan! A plan that might actually accomplish something! And would it help if you told them it was self-defense?

03.06.120

Bruni: That would make it worse! We need to come up with a plan to make them like you.

Darius: [Looks at the party] We're screwed.

03.06.121

Charlie: Nonsense! [Assesses the party thoughtfully] Dur and Clint, you will play upon their tender sympathies for the feeble-minded. Mr. Scar, you shall offer free legal counsel; Jordan, you must write a poem that celebrates their beauty and so forth. Alice, you will make them feel better about their bad life choices. [Gestures to herself] And I shall offer an EXCLUSIVE look at my new book!

03.06.122

Clint: We're trying to make them *like* us, Chuck!

03.06.123

Bruni: How are you at dancing?

03.06.124

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Austin : Swing, salsa, waltz or tango?

--047d7b33dbdc4c98ac04dbbe5da8

03.06.125

Charlie: [Gamely] Oh, quite good! At all kinds of dancing. Right, group? [Stiffly does an awkward jig, accidentally kicking off her loafer in the process]

03.06.125

Clint: I'm better at dirty!


;;; Seemed appropriate, somehow!

03.06.125


;;; Nobody puts Stinky in the corner!

On Thu, May 2, 2013 at 11:04 AM, Tom Henderson

03.06.126

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Austin : [Frowns disappointingly at Clint] Well, we seem to have most of the bases covered.

--047d7b33dbdc929bba04dbcdf4d5

03.06.127

Bruni: I was thinking more along the lines of chorus line, big number at the end of a stirring musical about a plucky young orphan who wins the heart of hard bitten business man type.

03.06.128

Charlie: [Holds her hand up, super-excited] Oh! Oh! I shall be the businessman! I have a lovely suit that just screams "sensible"!

03.06.129

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Austin : [Looks at Charlie for a while. To Bruni] Are we talking Broadway? A musical? Burlesque?

--047d7b5d5426b3ddb504dbcfccf6

03.06.130

Alice: Oh please! Please! Please be Burlesque! I have a lovely outfit that just screams whore! [Thinks] Actually, maybe it was Daddy who screamed that when he saw me wear it?

Bruni: Yes, a kind of Rawedway type thing. Throw in a bunch of sparkles, some complicated dance moves, and maybe some stuff about chimneys and scary flying nurses and you've got yourself a ticket into the castle.

Darius: I've got a scary flying nurse outfit.

03.06.131

Dur: I can only hope we have time to properly memorize the number before performing it!

03.06.132

Alice: It's okay, I'm a mathematician, I'm really good at numbers. Let's see, there's zero; one; two; three; four... [continues]

Bruni: Right! Time for costumes. There are a bunch of them in the vault.

[Rather surprisingly, this turns out to be true. Everyone gets to choose what they want to wear -- as usual, the more ridiculous and inappropriate, the better!]

Alice: Eighty seven, eighty eight...

03.06.133

Dur: [Dressed now as a drag queen rodeo clown] Oh my god, we get it! You can count! Bravo!

03.06.134

Jordan: [Wearing a multi coloured cowboy hat, a bright pink tutu, a ginger pigtails wig, alligator boots, purple flares and the most hideous green and yellow striped vest top you can imagine] She should have stopped when she reached sixty-nine.

03.06.135

Clint: [Dressed in a rather chartreuse pirate costume, complete with ridiculous hat and eye patch.] She shouldn't have started!

03.06.135

Charlie: [Wearing a grey suit with a red tie. Proudly showing the tie] Looks, isn't it daring?! A RED tie! My character's grey suit suggests that he is a level-headed and sensible businessman, but the red tie suggests he has a secret passion! [Dramatically] A passion--for flamenco! [Strikes a pose]

03.06.136

Jordan: Now that is just mean Clint. [Changing his mind, he puts on a Joker style Batman like costume instead] Ah, much better, the comical crusader, complete with a cape!

03.06.137

Clint: [Waving his hook around.] "Mean" is counting at people! I don't count at Alice! It's aarrrrrrful.

03.06.138

Alice: [Wearing an insanely large Shrek style outfit that makes her look like she weights 800 pounds] Puff! Pant! This isn't quite what I had in mind!

03.06.138

Jordan: Not as mean as making us have to put up with your smell, Private Stinky! [Grinning] Or should that be stinky privates?

03.06.138

Clint: Can you even dance in that, Bimbo? Arr.

03.06.139

Alice: Of course I can! [Does some horribly bad shuffling around] Oh. I think I need to pee.

03.06.140

Charlie: [Firmly] You will just have to hold it, Alice! The show must go on!

03.06.141

Alice: [Paaarp! Lets loose a huge fart] Oh no! I think this suit is airtight -- and echoey!

03.06.142

Clint: If you're going to keep doing that, I'm sure we're all glad it's airtight!

03.06.143

Jordan: But I think she'll be in competition with you Stinky Privates when she opens that suit and lets all those farts out.

03.06.144

Darius: [Wearing his flying nurse outfit] Huh. I like how her face looks green!

Mo: What will I wear? I was thinking of going as the singing assistant bank manager!

03.06.145

Clint: If we can find something for Alice, how would you feel about a slightly used fat suit?

03.06.146

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Austin : [Wearing a skintight shiny gold leotard and gold sequined top hat and cane. Checks his nails] Not quite what I had in mind, but it will have to do.

--e89a8fb20328b0ecf904dbd340d3

03.06.147

Jordan: [Picks up a pink dirty grey dominatrix catsuit] What about this Alice?

03.06.147

Mo: Does the fat suit smell like girl sweat and farts?

03.06.148

Dur: Does that question make any one else hungry?

03.06.149

Jordan: Not any less hungry as the sandwiches in this world make me.

03.06.150

Alice: [Huffily] It smells like freshly baked kittens! [Snatches the dominatrix cat suit from Jordan and storms off]

Mo: Mm! Baked kittens!

03.06.151

Dur: [Mouth watering] Do you have any? Baked kittens I mean, of course?

03.06.150

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Austin : [Clapping his hands] Focus people! Focus! We have a mission to perform.

--bcaec52bec2378353504dc0d2bf9

03.06.151

Charlie: Well said, Mr. Sleaze! [Dazzled] Now, group, we have a SHOW to put on!

03.06.152

Bruni: [To Dur] No, but we have a bunch of penis sandwiches. Apparently, people love sacrificing themselves for the sandwiches. [Looks around] They do, right?

03.06.153

Jordan: I think not. More likely they are forced in to it, screaming no less.

03.06.154

Bruni: [Appalled] Oh no! And I suppose all those that sacrifice their eyes to put in our drinks...?

03.06.155

Jordan: More likely to be unwillingly sacrificed then their eyes taken from their dead bodies.

03.06.156

Clint: Eh, I bet the eyes were looking for the penises, if you know what I mean.

03.06.157

Bruni: [Looking like she's about to be sick] Oh my good heck.

Darius: [Hugs her] That's okay, we'll make it all good now.

Bruni: [Blinking away some tears] With some wholesome singing and dancing about hugs and puppies?

Darius: Yes, all about how pure we all should be.

[Enter ALICE wearing a dangerously tight catsuit and insanely dark make up.]

Alice: [Cracking her whip on the floor, causing everyone to jump in fright] Let's kill some Sextildes!


;;; End of scene, next one coming up in ten mins

03.07.001

[Book IX, Act III, Scene VII. Outside the bank. ALICE, AUSTIN, CHARLIE, CLINT, DUR, JORDAN, DARIUS and BRUNI are here, having just left. All but BRUNI are wearing crazy costumes. They are immediately approached by one of the soldiers, who, like all of them, is dressed from head to toe in black and white armour. This is LKL_1287-42.]

LKL1287-42: Brunhilde! Is everything okay? [Glares at the party] Shall we kill them?

03.07.002

Clint: [Firmly.] Yarr. No need for that. [Does a little shuffle.] Just a harmless dance troupe in goofy outfits, we are!

03.07.003

Jordan: Yeah! [To LKL1287-42] Why so serious?

03.07.004

Bruni: He's a Void. They're always serious.

Alice: I bet I could make him laugh! I know the funniest joke in the world. A man walks into the bar with a twelve inch penis and says "I was talking to the duck!" [Roars with laughter so hard that milk comes down her nose]

03.07.005

Clint: Obviously it was the duck's penis!


;;; http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6k01DIVDJlY

;;; but I should add, some things cannot be unseen

03.07.005


;;; Dude! Seriously? I was just about to eat!

03.07.006

[LKL1287-42 is not amused.]

03.07.007

Charlie: [Laughs awkwardly] Oh, these silly humanoids and their crude jokes. [To LKL, robotically] Permission to pass equals true!

03.07.008


;;; Geek!

LKL1287-42: Oh, okay. [Walks past the party into the bank] Hey! What happened here? To this fat guy?

[The party turn to look at MO, who has ALICE's old costume half over his head, and is lying down, motionless.]

LKL1287-42: He appears to have died from suffocation.

03.07.009

Clint: [Regards Alice.] Suffocation is a silent but deadly killer.

03.07.010

Alice: [Paarp! Gives another fart] Uh! Sure!

LKL1287-42: Who killed Konhilde? Sextilde gave strict instructions that they should be killed in a most gruesome fashion.

Alice: Totes grues!

LKL1287-42: I don't know what that means.

03.07.011

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Austin : [Points at Sambo's corpse] It was him, but we killed him gruesomely already. If you want to kill some one in a gruesome fashoin, you could kill your self or eachother, as, after all you failed to protect Konhilde, and therefor are responsible, in part, for her death.

--047d7bacc33eaa21f404dc1f576b

03.07.012

Charlie: [Primly] Quite so! [To LKL] Culpability equals true!

03.07.013

Alice: [Even more primlier to Charlie] I think you mean quiet, so. [Whispers to LKL] Culpability equals true.

Bruni: [To LKL1287-42] It's true. He took me hostage, but this roving band of homosexuals saved me.

03.07.014

Clint: [Trying hard to get into character, and stereotyping outrageously.] It'th tho true!

03.07.015

Charlie: [Nodding vigorously] Oh, indeed! [To Dur, painfully awkwardly] Girl, you are looking fab- [snaps] -u- [snaps] -lous! Where DID you get those shoes?! [Snaps several times, somewhat frantically]

03.07.015

LKL1287-42: Why does that one have a speech impediment?

03.07.016

Clint: [Waves a hand limp-wristedly.] Oh, it jutht means I'm abtholutely fabulouth, honey.

03.07.016

Jordan: Why, because culpability equals true, of course.

03.07.017

Darius: [To Clint] I've never been more attracted to you.

03.07.018

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Austin : [Surprised] Just when you thought things couldn't get any worse!

--047d7b6dc49e693e9104dc225152

03.07.019

Clint: [Appalled.] You're telling me! [To Darius, lisping away.] Keep it in your pants. Seriously. I mean it.

03.07.020

Darius: [Deadpan] You know you want it.

03.07.021

Clint: [To LKL1287-42, brightly.] Anyway, now that we've cleared all that up, you better go file your report or something.

03.07.022

LKL1287-42: Very well. I shall fetch the lube.


;;; Pause until Monday!

03.07.023

[Everyone, including BRUNI, climbs into the back of a police carriage.]

Alice: So, Sextilde is a terrifying dictator who routinely chops up her subjects for sandwiches, but who also likes musicals?

Bruni: Sure. We're not a monster, you know!

03.07.024

Dur: Yeah! Who doesn't like a good musical?!

03.07.025

[The carriage trundles through the streets. As a reminder, the party are wearing the following outfits; Alice, a dominatrix catsuit, Austin a shiny gold leotard with top hat and cane, Charlie a grey suit with a startlingly red tie, Clint a fabulous pirate outfit, Dur a drag queen rodeo clown, Jordan a Joker outfit and Darius a flying nurse outfit.]

Bruni: So! What's the story of this musical?

03.07.026

hiny gold leotard with top hat and cane, >Charlie a grey suit with a startlingly red tie, Clint a fabulous pirate outfit, Dur a drag queen rodeo clown=

Dur: [Looking at their costumes] Perhaps something about a traveling circus? Or would that be too close to reality?

03.07.027


;;; Heather's out for a while

Charlie: Oh! Perhaps it could be about a plucky young psychiatrist who takes her patients on a day trip, which results in her learning more about herself as well as writing a fascinating paper on their particular peculiarities. Oh! That would be a splendid name for the musical! Particular Peculiarities!

03.07.028

Clint: [Critically.] Not sure there's enough room for humorous mispronunciation, but we're in a rush, so... [To Alice.] Think you can handle being a plucky young psychiatrist, Bimbo?

03.07.029

Alice: Sure thing, Stinky! I can be Professor Popper and we can call it Professor Popper's Peculiar Particularities, it'll be gear!

Charlie: No, no, no! I should be the psychiatrist! I already have a notebook!

03.07.030

Clint: Yeah, but Alice has the "I'm a plucky young psychiatrist" costume. I'll be Steve, the pirate. Yarr!

03.07.031

Charlie: [Haughtily] I'm not sure what sort of correctional institute funded psychiatrists you have dealt with, Mr. Scar, but I can assure, in general, any psychiatrist of repute wears a suit [gestures to herself] not some sort of Whore Store reject! [To Alice] No offence!

Alice: Offence? I thought you were complimenting me!

03.07.032

Clint: [Patiently.] Yeah, but in real life pirates don't wear [flaps his arms with distaste] this, either! [Shrugs.] But if it really means so much to you...


;;; That's my three, I think.

03.07.033

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Austin : [Surprised at Clint's claim] Are you sure? The one I know does. I think we can add to the current script by making this the story of a plucky young lady psychiatrist that falls in love with a inpatient that thinks he is a pirate!

--047d7b111d8fc5005304dc9cb4a3

03.07.034

Alice: Ew! No! Maybe a less stinky patient!

03.07.035

Charlie: [Horrified] We will do no such thing! That would be shockingly unethical. [All business] Now, let's do the sensible thing and say our production is some sort of avant garde nonsense. Everyone will be too frightened of appearing uncultured to make any sort of criticism of what we do.

03.07.036

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Austin : [Indignantly] There is nothing unethical about falling in love with someone! The whole point of the play is that you cannot express your love for the pirate as it would be unethical to *start* a personal relationship! [Exasperated] Don't you see? Can't you stop thinking about sex for one moment?

--047d7b6dbc3679185a04dcad9997

03.07.037


;;; Drew is out today

Jordan: I could write some wonderful lyrics for it!

Bruni: Avant garde nonsense sounds just perfect!

03.07.037

Content-Type: text/plain; charset="utf-8" Content-Transfer-Encoding: base64

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03.07.039

Clint: Let's focus on the big song and dance number at the end!

03.07.040

Dur: Does that make you our choreographer, Clint?

03.07.041

Clint: If it means more focus on lame dance moves and bad singing and less focus on acting that we're never going to pull off, yeah! Right. Everyone does their own thing. It's avant-garde! I think.

03.07.041

Charlie: [Nods wisely] Precisely! Something like this! [Stiffly poses herself, hands positioned on her head like deer antlers, gazing into the distance blankly]

03.07.040

Alice: As the most adorable of all of you, I think I should be at the front! We could do a sort of [stands up to illustrate a really lame dance move] Cha cha cha! One two three! [Immediately falls down flat as the carriage stops]


;;; An illustration of Alice's dancing

<P><A href=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4NO-h9PFum4#t=0m36s>Some

super cool dance moves</A>

03.07.043

Clint: Weeeell, maybe a bit more active than that! [Does an artist's impression of a pirate dance.] See the difference, Sarge?

03.07.044

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Austin : [Doubtful] You have all been to a musical before, haven't you? [Looks at the others]

--047d7b1117b5d6776b04dcafd325

03.07.046

Clint: [Mugging furiously.] Oh, yeah! They're the best thing ever!

03.07.047

LKL1287-42: Really?

[The party form a huddle to discuss this. After some time, a consensus is reached.]

Alice: Yeah, REALLY.

LKL1287-42: Oh, okay then. You better go with Tam.

03.07.038

Dur: [Blinks] I thought she only thought about sex when there were demons about?

Alice: Oh! Maybe that's what the musical is about! She only thinks about love and stuff when demons are about, but then the pirate comes along and she compromises her ethics and falls in love with him, only to realise that he too, is a demon! And then they all live happily ever after and there's a big song and dance number at the end, cha-cha-cha!

03.07.042

Alice: [Looks off in the same direction] What? What's out there?

[The door of the carriage is opened by LKL1287-42.]

LKL1287-42: You may step down, but be warned, everything you do will be observed and recorded by our most trusted observer and recorderer. [Steps back] This is Tam Chambers.

[This is the same man the party met when they first arrived, although now he is wearing pants. He looks a little taken aback.]

Tam: Er, come on in. But [waves a notebook at the party] I'll be observeding you!

03.07.045

LKL1287-42: [Sternly] Haven't you?

03.07.048

Jordan: Excellent! [Looks at his own costume] Hey, where do I fit in to the musical, besides writing the lyrics?

03.07.049

Alice: You're the writer, you tell us!

03.07.049

Charlie: Oh, naturally, you shall play the starring role, as yourself! [Wisely] All of these avant-garde pieces are like that. It means [vaguely] something quite profound, you know. [Helplessly] A look inside the creative process? That sort of thing?

03.07.050

Jordan: [To Alice] Oh, quite right. {Pinches Charlies notepad] I'd best get to work writing it then. Anyone got a quill?

03.07.051

Alice: I bet if we went to the docks we could find one.

03.07.052

Charlie: [Snatches the notepad back] How dare you! Those are my notes for my next book. [Hands Jordan a super-girly, pink, feathery, glittery Hi Kitty notepad] Here, some child gave Will this for a birthday gift, but it didn't suit her. You can have it.

03.07.053

Alice: Hey! That's mine! I lost at the birthday party!

03.07.054

Jordan: [To Alice] Well, how about I write this play in it, autograph it, and give it back to you later?

03.07.056

Jordan: Same could be said if quill was pronounced kill. Where there's a kill there's a quill! But I suppose a pencil or other such writing utensil will have to suffice. [To Charlie] Got one spare Chuckles?

03.07.055

Alice: [Swoon] That would be totes awes! Now, [stagily] let's go to the docks to get your quill.

Darius: [Rolls his eyes] Why would we go to the docks to get a quill.

Alice: Because where there's a [struggles to contain her laughter] quill there's a quay!

Darius: That word is pronounced "key".

Alice: Oh. Oh, well that's way less funny. But if it was pronounced qway, that would hilarious, wouldn't it? [Looks around at the others] Wouldn't it?


;;; Dom is out

Austin: Yes Alice. Hilarious. The pun of the century. [Looks at his nails, frowning at a tiny spec of dirt, which he flicks off]

03.07.057

Charlie: Of course! [Hands Jordan a glittery, feathery Hi Kitty pen to match his notebook]

03.07.058

Tam: Er, right. Shall I bring you to the theatre?

03.07.059

Dur: Might as well. I assume Jordan can scrawl the script out on our way?

03.07.060

Charlie: [Laughs] Of course he can! Creative writing is easy. It's just a lot of nonsense!

03.07.061

Jordan: [To Charlie] Is it bollocks! [To Dur confidently, and maybe a little smugly] But yes, yes I can.

03.07.061

Alice: Hey! He's an artist! Artists don't just scrawl things out! This is an important process that could take years!

Tam: If you don't put on a show within the next twenty minutes, they'll probably torture you all to death.

Alice: Come on, Jordie! Get scrawling!

03.07.062

Clint: Even better, start scrawling while we do our thing! It's avant-garde! Uh, isn't it?

03.07.063

Content-Type: text/plain; charset=UTF-8

Austin : It is indeed Mr Scar, but do you understand what that means? [Glances off into the distance]

--047d7b6dbc3625b6f704dcd29536

03.07.064

Jordan: [Looking up] What kind of singing can you all do?


;;; Accidentally sent mine to Tom only last night.

03.07.065

Alice: Mindless pop trash, mainly.

<P><a href=http://www.queens-view.com/Scripts/04.09.html#crucifixion>The party singing "Do the crucifixion", to the tune of "The Locomotion"</A>

03.07.066

Charlie: [Nervously] Perhaps I should just play the tambourine?

03.07.067

[TAM escorts the party to a huge theatre, where it is just him, the party and DARIUS.]

Tam: Wow! You guys are amazing! I knew you were the saviours! I just knew! Didn't I say you were the saviours?


;;; He did!

03.07.068

Dur: Perhaps this performance will be our key to fame and fortune?

03.07.069

Charlie: [Dubiously] Yes, perhaps the comedic aspect will have some value to the public in these dark times!

03.07.070

Tam: True, especially when you add the assassination it.

03.07.071

Clint: Let's just stick with what works, huh? Okay, vulnerable young psychiatrist, smelly pirate, narrator... We've got this planned so well, what could go wrong?

03.07.072

Alice: Uh, the assassination part?

03.07.073

Dur: Really? I would have thought the killing part was right up our alley. The singing and acting part was what had me worried!

03.07.073

Clint: Not my department, Bimbo - I'm playing the smelly pirate!

03.07.074

Charlie: Is the assassination a plot twist? Or the true aim of the performance?

03.07.075

Clint: [Confused now.] I thought the true aim of the performance was to keep them from killing us!

03.07.076

Dur: [Scratching his head] I thought it was just an excuse to dress up in ridiculous outfits and traipse around singing silly songs?

03.07.077

Alice: I thought it was to put on such a bad performance that they would WANT to kill us!


;;; Dom is in and out today and tomorrow

Austin: [Sighs and checks his nails] You're all wrong. It's so that everyone can hear my beautiful singing voice. [Looks seriously at the others] It is most melodious.

03.07.078

Clint: Maybe it's all of the above? Funny costumes, the lawyer's singing voice, keeping us alive, AND an assassination?

03.07.079

Jordan: [Looking up from his frantic scribbling of the musical] Just double checking, but which of us is the narrator?

03.07.080

Alice: [In a booming, authoritative voice] I shall be the narrator, I have a wonderful speaking voice. [Normal voice] Plus, I'm really good a words and things. [Looks at the notebook] Hm, what's that word?

Darius: That's not a word, it's a picture of a kitten.

03.07.081

Jordan: [To Darius] Actually, it is the word kitten, in picture form.

03.07.082

Darius: In the same way that you're the phrase tiresome loser, but in semi-human form?

03.07.083

Jordan: Ah, an uneducated man. I take you you haven't heard of the hieroglyphs the ancient Ryptians used back in the old days?


;;; Where is everyone today?

03.07.084

Darius: I'm sure you do.

Austin: This is not getting Sextilde assassinated.


;;; Dom's out, everyone else is in the US

03.07.084

Charlie: [To Darius] Do stop being so unpleasant. We have a show to put on!

03.07.085

Darius: Yes, but it's a show that culminates in an assassination, so why don't we discuss that?

03.07.086

Clint: [Shrugs.] How 'bout the rest of us distract everyone with our production and you sneak on out the back and, y'know, do it.

03.07.087

Austin: Given that this show is for Sextilde, it seems highly unlikely that sneaking out the back would [with distaste] y'know, [finger quotes] do it. [To Tam] Where is Sextilde likely to sit.

Tam: Front row.

03.07.088

Charlie: Perhaps we could work something into the script? Get a volunteer on stage to do a magic trick that turns deadly, that sort of thing?

03.07.089

Alice: We could cut them in half! Everyone loves that trick!

03.07.088

Clint: And her horde of guards? [Pauses, struck by a thought.] You know, we should invite her up on stage! Audience participation! Maybe Dur could do magic tricks?

03.07.090

Alice: You mean, like sawing her in half?

Austin: Perhaps if Dur attempts to treat her for some minor ailment it might result in her being cut in half?

Tam: The horde of guards will likely be in the next seat back. They'll rip the bones from your back. It's a death trap, it's a suicide rap.

03.07.091

Clint: So the next part of our magic trick had better be a disappearing routine!

03.07.092

Tam: Wow! Do you have a way to do that? Cool!

03.07.093

Clint: [Blinks.] Yes. Yes we do. You'll need to be on stage with us, but don't worry, we'll vanish with you!

03.07.095

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Austin : [Singing preparation, in a beautiful soprano] Do Re Mi Fa So La Tiiiiii! [Clears his throat delicately] Mi mi mi meeeee!

--047d7b111d8f19cb4b04dd24b982

03.07.096

Alice: It's all about you, isn't it, Aus?

03.07.094

Tam: Great! Before we start, I want to record this moment for posterity. Let me get a picture. I'll be back in a moment with my block of wood. [Exit Tam]

Alice: How the hell are we going to kill Sextilde and then escape?

03.07.097

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Austin : Miii [Stops mid warm up. Looks around to see if something is going on. To Alice] Why of course it is [Glances around] who else would it be about? Whatever it is that is bothering your beautiful head, I am sure we can sort it out later [Gives Alice a wink] Hot stuff! [Gently clears his throat again] Miiii - mi - mi. [Pauses] Not my usual brilliance, but brilliant enough! [Smiles satisfactorily]

--047d7b67201a69ea5604dd259bc5

03.07.098

Alice: Yes, I suppose it is tolerable. But how about this? [Sings horribly off tune] Mii-mii-miiiiii! Anyway, Hot Stuff, what's the plan for escaping once we kill Sextilde?

03.07.098

Charlie: Well, what weaknesses does Sextilde have?

03.07.099

once we kill Sextilde?

Dur: [Farts] Alright! I'm all warmed up! What's my line again?

03.07.099

Alice: A love of opera and bad musicals?

03.07.100

Alice: It starts with "Here's how we escape."

03.07.101

Jordan: [To Dur] It is "what is that smell?" and then look suspiciously at everyone else.

03.07.102

Charlie: After the assassination, we take an elaborate bow and exit stage left!

03.07.103

Jordan: Good thinking, exit stage right is so cliched these days.

03.07.104

Alice: Maybe we should even say "Exit Stage Right", that'll trick them all into thinking we'll go that way!

03.07.105

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Austin : [Ponders this] A cunning plan indeed! ... So, weaknesses, how can we be certain that we kill her, and build that into the script?

--047d7b15a4d9c6bbeb04dd27b0a4

03.07.106

Clint: That's what I was going to ask. I bet a sword through the heart will do the trick. It can be part of the climactic "deluded pirate vs his inner demons" scene or something.


;;; Much better. Internet outage earlier. Gah!

03.07.107

Alice: It definitely seemed to work on Konhilde.

Darius: Or maybe it was a combination of that and the twenty other stab wounds she got?

Alice: So, the pirate comes off the stage, pleading with Sextilde and the audience to help him, and then we kill her?

03.07.107

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Austin : Indeed! We could use animal blood and stage theatrics to make it look like we are really killing characters, including members of the audience, during the show, then kill her for real!

--047d7bacc33e11093104dd27d041

03.07.108

Clint: I like this plan! Maybe we can make a clean getaway in all the confusion!

03.07.109

Dur: We should have a carriage ready to cart us off to safety!

03.07.110


;;; Heather's afk

Charlie: Splendid! I am an extremely safe and competent driver. I shall take charge of the vehicle.

[TAM returns, holding a large piece of wood and a red hot poker.]

Tam: Say "Dairy Product!" [Starts burning stick figures into the wood] So, what do you guys need in the way of props?

03.07.111

Clint: Well, let's see. Some fake blood. A prop sword. A real sword. A scapegoat. [To the party.] Anything you guys need?

03.07.112

Tam: It'll be tough to get fake blood at this time of day. How about some real blood?

03.07.113

Clint: I guess it'll have to do!

03.07.114

Tam: Great! [Holds up the piece of wood to show the party; it contains a bunch of figures which are barely recognisable as the party, but which clearly are them]

Alice: Hey! Didn't we see this before?


;;; They have!

;;;

<P><href=http://queens-view.com/Scripts/08.03.html#03.06.018>The wood

carving</A>

03.07.115

Charlie: Indeed--how thrilling! It's like a commemorative souvenir!

03.07.116

Tam: Yes! I will keep it in my family for generations -- as a memory of the day we once and for all defeated Sextilde!

Alice: [Whispers to the party] Of course, in his timeline, when we get here it's three generations later, and Bruni's sister is still in charge!

03.07.117

Dur: [Whispering back] No spoilers!

03.07.118

Alice: [Annoyed] Oh, come on! It's not like I just said that RJ was shot by Tristam!

[The party give a collective groan.]


;;; Drew is out today

Jordan: If I had the board, I'd hit you on the head with it, Alice.

Alice: Head? Wood? [To Clint] Insert oral sex joke here.

03.07.119

Dur: Ahhh c'mon Jordan! That kind of violence is a bit HARD to SWALLOW! [Elbowing Clint] Eh? Get it!? EH?

03.07.119

Charlie: [Giggles] You said [finger quotes] insert! That could also be construed in some sort of sexual double entendre, suggesting penetration!

03.07.120

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Austin : My my, aren't e all comic geniuses. [Claps his hands] Save it for the stage people! [Looks at the carving] Well done! [Checks his nails carefully]

--047d7b16018ba3a7cd04dd3aee9a

03.07.121

Alice: Save it for the stage? [Roars with laughter] That's what HE said!

Tam: Yes. Just as well it's a musical, eh? Come on, let's get you off stage.

[Exit ALL.]


;;; End of scene, next one coming right up

03.08.001

[Book IX, Act III, Scene VIII. Backstage. ALICE, AUSTIN, CHARLIE, CLINT, DUR, JEROME, DARIUS and TAM are here, listening to the sound of the theatre filling up.]

Alice: [Now completely naked] I'm not sure this is such a good idea.

03.08.002

Dur: Which part?

03.08.003

Alice: [Frustrated] Hey! Hey! [Points to her eyes] I'm up here!

03.08.004

Charlie: [Shielding her eyes in horror] Alice! This is not THAT sort of show!

03.08.005


;;; It's not Jerome, it's JORDAN!

Jordan: [Watching Alice] Why aren't you wearing any clothes?

Alice: It's for nerves. You know the old saying, that if you're nervous about a performance, the best thing to do is to imagine the audience, naked.

Darius: I think the saying is "Imagine the audience naked".

Alice: [Thinks] Oh! Actually, that makes way more sense!

03.08.005

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Austin : It will increase publicity, but not of the good kind. [Ponders] Perhaps there is no such thing as bad publicity?

--047d7b6dc49e890dfd04dd3b5f2b

03.08.006

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Austin : I am not sure that it ever helped my nerves, but it certainly helped.

--047d7b5d54260175f804dd3b6482

03.08.006

Alice: That's what I thought until someone wrote my Foam number in every men's bathroom in Dementia.

03.08.007

Darius: [To Alice] Did you write your Foam number in every men's bathroom in Dementia?

Alice: Well, not in ALL of them, no!

03.08.008

Charlie: What an extraordinary thing to do! Were you seeking [delicately] work?

03.08.007

Clint: C'mon, Bimbo, you did that yourself, right?

03.08.009

Alice: Hey! I'm not the one on trial here!

03.08.010

Dur: We're having a trial? I thought we were putting on a play! You people really need to make up your minds!

03.08.011

Alice: We were putting on a play, but now it's become a trial because someone stole my clothes! [Notices her clothes in an untidy pile beside her] Okay, we'll let you off with a warning this time, Dur.

03.08.012

Clint: Anyway, the play's going to be a trial for our audience, so we're multitasking anyway!

03.08.013

Alice: Let's see if they're ready. [Peeks out] Yikes! [To the party] They're all naked!

03.08.014

Clint: Do you see our target out there? And the guards?

03.08.015

Alice: I think there are a couple of targets there, and lots of guards.

03.08.016

Charlie: [Confidently] Don't worry, group! We'll fool them all with our [dramatically] ACTING!

03.08.017

Clint: I just hope they're really, really gullible!

03.08.018

Alice: Someone once told me that the word doesn't appear in a dictionary.

Jordan: Don't tell me. You looked?

Alice: Sure did.

Darius: Don't tell me. You could find it?

Alice: Hey, there are LOTs of words there!

[TAM arrives backstage.]

Tam: Right! They're all naked and angry!

03.08.019

Dur: Why angry?

03.08.020

Charlie: And are they REALLY naked, or do you just imagine them as such?

03.08.020

Clint: If you were naked and about to go to our musical, you'd be angry too!

03.08.020

Tam: [Shrugs] Their normal demeanour is REALLY angry, so this is actually a good thing.

03.08.021

Tam: No, I didn't [sarcastically] imagine it. Look, I made a wood burning. [Holds up a piece of wood with lots of tiny burns on it] See?

03.08.022

Clint: Look on the bright side - at least it'll be easy to picture our audience naked! No stage fright for us!


;;; Must dash for the morning.

03.08.023

Tam: So here's the plan. Once you kill Sextilde, you should go to the Inner Sanctum -- Bruni has something for you.

03.08.023

Jordan: Great! [Pauses] Where is the Inner Sanctum?


;;; out for an hour or 2

03.08.024

Tam: Inside the Outer Sanctum and outside the Inside Sanctum.

03.08.025

Dur: Oh! Well that is much clearer!

03.08.026


;;; Heather is out today

Charlie: Oh do be sensible! How are we supposed to find it?

Tam: I'll be waiting here for you, I'll lead you there. [Wink]

03.08.027

Jordan: Well that will help a lot. [To the party] So, does everyone know what they are doing?

03.08.028

Clint: Pirate guy, seeing a plucky young psychiatrist, sword, blood, check!

03.08.029

Alice: Let's do some dancin'! One two three! Cha-cha-cha!

[The party begin a horrible shuffling back and forth that barely approximates dancing. As they do, the curtain slowly rises. They can immediately see that yes, everyone is naked.]

03.08.030

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Austin : [Whispers to Jordan] Have you finished the words to my song yet? The one about pirates singing about drinking brandy?

--047d7bacc33ed6aa3a04dd4fdc54

03.08.031

Alice: Oh, just adlib it, Aus! It'll be about rum and hooks and pieces of eight track recordings. The best lyrics are improvised. Just say whatever pops into your.. uh... what's the word?

Darius: We're screwed.

03.08.032

Clint: [Shuffling awkwardly and trying not to look at the audience directly.] Uhh.... [Breaks into song.] For I am a Pirate King! And it is, it is a glorious thing To be a Pirate King!

03.08.033

[The curtain goes all the way up to thunderous applause. The audience is packed with naked guards and several SEXTILDEs, including BRUNI, GRIMHILDE (with both her eyes), DUNHILDE (thin and almost as mean looking as GRIMHILDE) and WUTENHILDE (crazy looking). BRUNI applauds happily as the party stagger onto the screen.]

Alice: [Singing badly but not doing an entirely awful dance] And uh... I can't really sing, but I think I'm some sort of psycho....

03.08.034

Clint: Yarr! She is the very model of a modern major chorus girl, she loves to dance and sing and give her hair a little twirl... [runs out of inspiration.]

03.08.035

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Austin : [As a chorus/backing vocals to Clint, a creamy smooth soprano] Pour, oh Pour! Pour the pirate Brandy!

--047d7b6dc49ec1b5d204dd507279

03.08.036

Charlie: [Singing] No brandy! No more intoxicants for this already diseased mind!

Dunnehilde: I only want to kill some of them.

Bruni: Yes! They are much better than what we usually have!

03.08.037

Clint: [Singing.] What a shame it is to be a pirate with a shrink! I really need some rum, so I can tell you what I think!

03.08.038

Darius: [Leaps off the stage, landing in front of Bruni, singing surprisingly well] Who needs alcohol, when intoxicated by the beauty of this living doll?

03.08.039

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Austin : [Backing vocals once more] Surely her eyes, are as beautiful as the blue ... sky!


;;; awa hame

--047d7b67201ab1e62704dd50f3a3

03.08.040

Alice: [Stagey rage] But I'm the more beautiful, if not, she will surely die!

Charlie: Protect her! Protect her from the, er, dirty pirate hooker!

03.08.041

Dur: [Enter the Rodeo Clown stage right!] I'll protect her. [Acts as if he is heroically intercepting the Pirate Hooker]

03.08.042

Clint: [Singing, enraged.] She is mine, I tell you, mine! [Whips out a sword.] The ass I'll kick is thine, I tell you, thine! Yarr!

03.08.043

Wutenhilde: [On the edge of her seat] Kill them! Kill them!

Alice: [Draws her own sword and sings dramatically] Come on Austin, their treachery will, er, them be costin'!

03.08.044

Charlie: [Draws her sword and does awkward little flourishes with it] Wonderful to see you, Alice! [To the audience] As well as so many from the Palace!

03.08.045

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Austin : [Draws his sword and thrusts pointedly] Very well! If I must! We shall return them to the dust!

--047d7b67211ab826d804dd620bc5

03.08.046

Alice: [Grabs a handful of blood and smears it across herself and over the front row of the audience] Things look kind of orange, and they -- [falls to the ground from Austin's thrust, still clutching her sword]

Darius: [Stands between Bruni and the party] I shall protect you from this scum [throws some blood at Jordan] some of whom are struck dumb!

03.08.047

Charlie: It would simply make my career, if only I could have a volunteer! [Gestures to the audience]

03.08.048

Dunhilde: [Leaps up] Does it involve killing one of these fat bastards?

03.08.049

Dur: It definitely involves killing!

03.08.049

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Austin : [With a swashbuckling leap ] It does indeed, a chance to kill for the thrill!


;;; meetings till tomorrow!

--047d7b111d8f0b873604dd633ad0

03.08.050

Clint: [Really getting into it now, and dialing for "clearly insane".] Yarr! We dirty pirate hookers don't take no for an answer! [Pretends to melee with Dur for a moment.]

03.08.051

Dunhilde: Then I will do it! [Picks the fake sword] Die! Die! Die! [Stabs Clint, but, of course, the sword is simply fake, but she clearly doesn't realize] I will cut off your genitals and eat them in a pie.

03.08.052

Charlie: [Stagily] I'll save you, Insane Pirate! [Theatrically stabs Dunhilde]

03.08.052

Clint: [Blinks.] Uh... [Staggers around in a truly hamtastic death scene, getting coincidentally as far from Dunhilde and anything resembling a castrating knife as possible.] Aaah!


;;; I'm imagining something sort of like this classic piece of

cinematic genius: ;;; http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FKoDCLPAYAQ

03.08.053

[CHARLIE's sword drives deep into Dunhilde.]

Dunhilde: She's stabbed me!

Wutenhilde: [Enraged] Me! Me! Do me next!


;;; Gone for the day!

03.08.054

Jordan: [Singing soprano] What is this? Blood on my shirt! Someone must die, they must eat dirt! [To Wutenhilde] Come down here, so that you may die! I'd really love, to stab you in the eye! [To the audience] The Joker Man is in, to end this awful din!


;;; Sorry haven't been feeling well the last couple of days.

03.08.055

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Austin : [Cart wheels over to Wutenhilde, with cat like grace, and places his sword point theatrically over her heart] Prepare to feel, the chill of my steal! [Thrusts the sword through her heart]


;;; out for the day and Monday!

--047d7bacc33ebf4fce04dd74c958

03.08.056

Charlie: [Cackles wickedly, pulling her sword out of Dunhilde] Who's next, you naughty things? Ready to feel my blade's sting [quietly] s?!

03.08.057

[AUSTIN stabs WUTENHILDE through the heart, much to her surprise.]

Wutenhilde: He got me!

Grimhilde: This is great!

Wutenhilde: No, he really got me -- they are assassins!

[The soldiers start to get up.]

03.08.058

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Austin : [Wiggling the sword around to finish her off] You really should rhyme, with this piratey crime! [Pulls the sword out dramatically, and leaps swashbucklingly back onto the stage. Listening theatrically] What is that, I hear from afar, it sounds like the words 'Free drinks at the bar!'.


;;;; just back for one

--e89a8ff24929cda8f504dd76ab93

03.08.059

Grimhilde: [Grabs a sword from under her seat and swipes at Austin, knocking him to the ground] You bastards!

Alice: Come on! Grab Austin and to bar -- tin!

03.08.060

Clint: [Leaps up.] That's my cue! [Moves to cover the party's retreat and attacks Grimhilde.]

03.08.061


;;; Heather's out

Charlie: Exit stage right!

Grimhilde: [Attacking Clint, almost knocking him to the ground] They're going to the right! To the right!


;;; Drew is also out!

Jordan: [Whispers to the party] Let's go! [Heads to the left]


;;; Let's pause until Tuesday

03.08.062

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Austin : [Points right] To the right, in flight! [Exits stage left]

--047d7b6dc49e26317c04ddc4200d

03.08.064

Charlie: [To the guards] You're breaking character! Hurry, [finger quotes] kill Grimhilde with your trick swords! You can still save the production!

03.08.067

Alice: Don't be so precious Aus, you'll be able to take someone from behind with your big chopper before too long. Now, quickly, get in behind Tam!

03.08.066

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Austin : [Calling from offstage] Hey! That's my line!

--047d7b6dc49e5f7c5204ddc6f5b3

03.08.063

Darius: Right! With all our might! [Heads to the left]

Alice: But that is the right! Oh well! [Follows the others]

Grimhilde: Come on! Cut them off!

[All the guards charge to the right.]

03.08.068

Dur: Let's get out of here! [Tries to cast OBSCURING MIST]

03.08.069

Jordan: I concur, it really is a good idea to high tail it as quick as we can.

03.08.069

Charlie: [To Dur] Oh, dear. Please tell me that's a spell, and not another consequence of [finger quotes] Burrito Fest?


;;; Why do you people make me say these things?

03.08.070

Clint: [Takes advantage of the distraction to retreat to the left.] Ready... chaaaaarge! [Retreats faster.]

03.08.071

Alice: I thought everyone was your type, Aus!

[Exit the party, charging up the stairs, just as DUR's spell casts a huge mist at the bottom of the stairs.]


;;; End of scene, next one coming right up

03.09.002

Jordan: Wasn't that the idea? Isn't that where we meet Bruni with her big chopper?

03.09.003

Clint: That depends on if it'll get us out of here before the guards realize they're idiots. But we sure can't turn around now!

03.09.001

[Book IX, Act III, Scene IX. The Stairs. ALICE, AUSTIN, CHARLIE, CLINT, DUR, JORDAN, DARIUS and TAM are here, racing up the stairs.]

Alice: How are we going to escape? We're just going deeper into the inner inner sanctum, right?

03.09.004

Jordan: That's awfully generous of you Clint, to say they will [finger quotes] eventually [end finger quotes] realize they are idiots.


;;; Out for 30 minutes

03.09.005

Alice: I think they've already realized they're idiots -- they just haven't caught up with us yet! Tam, will Bruni help us escape?

Tam: I don't think she can! She only said she wants to give you something.

03.08.069

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Austin : [To Alice, getting in behind Tam] So forceful! You know he's not my type!

--e89a8f83a6a3cfaab704ddc832f6

03.09.006

Clint: Well, let's hurry up and get our present then!

03.09.007

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Austin : You must have missed the charm class when you were at school Mr Scar, perhaps you could learn some from observing me.

--047d7b1636c301e5c404ddc9df5b

03.09.008

Clint: [Childishly.] I'm sure I could, lawyer, but there are some things a man was not meant to know! [Shuddering.]

03.09.008


;;; Heather is out

Charlie: But how on earth will we get out of here?

[The party come to a huge metal door, which is slightly ajar.]

Tam: She's in there. This is as far as I go, you guys. [Tears up a little] It's been wonderful. I'll keep the wood burning as a memento.

03.09.009

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Austin : [Casually checking his nails] It has been just fabulous, take care. [Tries to slip through the door]

--047d7b6dc49e96a77e04ddca59c2

03.08.065

Tam: [Waiting for the party] Quickly! Come on!

[The guards, alas, do not try to kill GRIMHILDE.]

Grimhilde: [To Bruni] We must kill them now! [Narrows her eyes at Bruni] I know you're the softhearted one, but they must not escape.

Bruni: [Grabs an axe] You follow them, I'll go around and take them from behind with my big chopper.

03.09.010

Tam: [Wiping away a tear] I'm glad you know how much it means to me. I'll never forget my -- oh. Huh. They're gone. [Sigh]

[The party have all slipped in the door. This is where they were back in Book VIII, Act III. BRUNI is waiting here.]

Bruni: Shut the door, quickly, we can speak in privacy then.

03.09.011

Dur: [Closes the door] This reminds me of the times my mum used to lock me in the closet when I got REALLY smelly.

03.09.012

Alice: Ew! Did it smell this bad? [Notices she's beside Clint] Hey! Back off, Stinky!

Bruni: Have you heard of the Baceks?


;;; Yes, they have -- Jean Majeur warned them that the biggest danger facing

;;; the realms is not multiple devils rather "The Baceks".

03.09.014

Alice: You mean like just talking about people's body odour when someone has risked their life to give us some crucial information that we've travelled across multiple dimensions to get?

03.09.013

Dur: I think we have. But then, I rarely actually pay attention to the multitude of ominous warnings we get...

03.09.016

Bruni: Oh. I was afraid of that. I think your world is about to be destroyed.

03.09.015

Charlie: [To Bruni] Yes, we have! Do tell us all you know. We should be most grateful.

03.09.017

Clint: Not to be ungrateful, but I was hoping you'd tell us something else! How do we stop them?

03.09.018

Bruni: [Shrugs] Idunno.

Alice: Tam said that you had something for us.

Bruni: Oh! Yes! Of course! It's a prophecy, well, half of one, that I think will be able to help you.

03.09.019

Charlie: [Excited] Oh, how thrilling! [Modestly] We are quite experienced at prophecy-deciphering. Do you have it with you?

03.09.020

Clint: And maybe with a way out of here while you're at it?

03.09.021

Bruni: Sure thing! [Holds out a small wooden box] There's a scroll in there, but it'll take a lot of translating, I'm afraid. Now, to get out of here, just go back out the door you came in, and back down the stairs, so that --

Alice: You mean, back down to the stage? Using the stairs that a bunch of angry, naked soldiers are charging up?

Bruni: Oh. You mean they didn't fall for your clever exit stage right trick?

03.09.022

Clint: Well, yeah, but they've got to unfall for it eventually, don't they? [Takes the box and hands it to Charlie.] Anyway, thanks for your help!

03.09.023

Dur: Maybe if we are quick enough, we can escape before they find us?

03.09.024

Charlie: [Takes the box eagerly] How marvelous! Let us find a quiet place to study this at once!

03.09.025

Clint: [Heading for the exit.] Let's worry about that once we get home!

03.09.026

Alice: Don't worry, Stinky. We won't have to study it. Only the geeks!

[ALICE opens the door and immediately shuts it.]

Alice; Uh oh! Soldiers. Lots of them. Most naked. Some aroused.

03.09.026

Charlie: [To Bruni] Could you send them away, perhaps? Is there a way out of here?

03.09.027

Clint: Maybe you could try telling those naked freaks that we've already left, but they can catch us if they hurry? And put some clothes on?

03.09.028

Darius: I just happen to have an orb to transport us back.

Bruni: I can't stop them, but I can hold them off. It's the least I can do.

[There are two other doors in the room, one in the opposite wall, and another, very thick metal door, which clearly leads deeper into the inner sanctum.]

Bruni: [Points to the opposite wall] Go out that way and use your orb there. Whatever you do, don't go deeper into the inner sanctum, as you have to all the way into the centre to be able to use magic. [Gives them a broad smile] Make good use of that prophecy! [Exits]

Darius: [Tosses the orb to Clint] You go. I'll help her. [Exits after Bruni]

03.09.029

Clint: [Takes the orb, pleased.] Haw! I get to drive, for once! C'mon, guys, let's get out of here! [Heads for the correct door.]

03.09.030

Jordan: [Heading for the door] You know, we should have asked her before she left if she had any idea where the other half of the prophecy was.

03.09.031

Alice: I think WE had it! Remember, Phili said that we'd only seen half of the Prophecy when Jerome killed him?

[CLINT opens the door only to see that there are dozens of naked soldiers out there. All wielding what everyone hopes are huge clubs.]

03.09.032

Jordan: [Sarcastically] Newcomersaysno! How can I remember something I wasn't there for Barbie?

03.09.033

Clint: Uh, hi there! [Slams the door shut.]

03.09.034

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Austin : [Sighs] Does this mean that we have to go to the inner sanctum? [Gestures to the floor] Or can we just use that orb here?

--047d7b15a67737e33104ddeb89c6

03.09.036

Alice: Yeesh, Jordan, you're not the only person in the party, you know? [To Austin] Good idea! I mean, what's the worst that could happen?


;;; Tom's asleep, I'm sure!

Clint: Here we go! [Drops the orb on the ground and it ricochets wildly around the place, zinging back and forth off the ground and walls before smacking Alice in the face]

Alice: Ow!

[The orb is finally at rest.]

03.09.035

Charlie: [Hopefully] I think they usually work anywhere, don't they?

03.09.037

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Austin : [Picks up the orb] Inner sanctum it is then. Mr Scar, would you care to lead the way [Gestures to the heavy metal door that leads inwards]

--047d7b33dac892d9ff04ddee3855

03.09.038

[CLINT obliges, and pushes the door open. It leads to a wide metal corridor into which the party enter and cautiously walk through, until eventually coming to a wall, that has twenty eight large panels on it, each with a different colour. There is red and yellow and green and brown and scarlet and black and ochre and peach And ruby and olive and violet and fawn And lilac and gold and chocolate and mauve And cream and crimson and silver and rose And azure and lemon and russet and grey And purple and white and pink and orange And Blue.]

Alice: Aw, crap. What now?


;;; By an amazing coincidence, these are the same colours on the "coat

;;; of many leathers" that Jerome bought for Alice back in Book I, Act IX

;;; Scene IV, which was so striking that there was even a song

;;; about it: http://www.queens-view.com/Scripts/1.9/01.09.04.html#song

03.09.040

[Bzzzzzt! CLINT is flung back against the far wall.]


;;; Lose 40hp Clint!

Alice: Stinky! Are you okay?

03.09.041

Charlie: [Scolds Clint] Why choose black, which everyone knows is the color of death?! [Takes a pencil out of her knapsack and gingerly presses green with it]

03.09.041

Clint: [Groaning in pain.] Don't touch the panels!

03.09.039

Clint: Uh... we turn around and fight our way out? [Experimentally reaches out to touch the black panel.]

03.09.042

[Bzzzt! CHARLIE is thrown back from the panel with the same force as CLINT, although somewhat protected from a direct touch of the panel.]


;;; Lose 30hp Charlie

Alice: [Desperately] Will people please stop getting electrocuted? Let's think for a moment. Surely at some time we've been given a clue about this?

03.09.043

Dur: Oh, if only we had taken notes throughout our long and arduous journeys!

03.09.044

Alice: It would be perf! Although, if Bruni thought we were going to go out the other door, she probably wouldn't have given us a clue about which colour to go for.

03.09.044

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Austin : This colour scheme is really quite tragic, but I have seen it somewhere before, I think.

--047d7b6dc5f0ff3fd604ddf0e1c3

03.09.045

Alice: I don't know, Aus, I think they're super cool. Just like that jacket that Jer- er, just like a jacket I once had.

03.09.046

Charlie: Hmm, did he have a favorite color?

03.09.047

Alice: Who? Bruni? I think she's a she!

03.09.048

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Austin : I think she means Trindle. [Smikrs] Yes, now I remember, it was a really terrible colour scheme for a jacket. [Ponders] But the leather was of very good quality. So, perhaps this puzzle was made by Trindle, and only Alice can unlock it?

--001a11c35d8a8f119304ddf13d4c

03.09.048

Clint: I bet his favorite color is black!

03.09.049

Alice: I think it's more likely that Bruni made the puzzle, after all, she doesn't meet Jerome until some time in the future for her, right?

03.09.049

Alice: [Exasperated] Fine! Try pressing black again, Clint!

03.09.050

Jordan: So you all know Bruni in the future? [Looks at the panels] Hmm, i wonder [takes out a pencil and throws it at one of the panels at random] .

03.09.051

Alice: It's the future to her but the past to us. And for Darius, too. The first time we met Bruni was at their wedding.

[The pencil just bounces harmlessly off the blue panel, but clearly didn't have enough force to push it in.]

03.09.052

Dur: I remember that... sort of! Did they have a color theme at their wedding?

03.09.052

Jordan: Hmmmm. [Grins suddenly] Hey Alice, the blue one doesn't seem to electrocute, come and hit it for me would you? Be my beautiful assistant?

03.09.053

Alice: [Gives Jordan a whithering look] Sorry, Newcomersaysno, it'll be a long time before I forgive your meanness. I'm officially not speaking to you any more. [To Dur] Hey! They did, everything was yellow, and Darius even sang "Buttercup" at their wedding. In fact, isn't Buttercup his pet name for her? [Gives Jordan a big smile] Yay! I think we got it, Jordie!

03.09.054

Charlie: [Delighted] Oh, that's right! [Looks for the "buttercuppiest" yellow and presses it with her pencil]

03.09.055

Clint: [Winces sympathetically.]

03.09.056

[There's an audible clicking sound, and the entire wall swings back, opening into another room.]

Alice: Oh! I just had a great idea! Wouldn't it be really funny if [lowers her voice, talking to the party members other than Charlie] if someone went "bzzzt"! when she pressed the thing? Will we get her [chortles as she looks at Charlie for a moment] get her to do it again?

03.09.057

Clint: Good going, Chuck! Dare you to try it again!

03.09.058

Jordan: [Gets ready to do the loudest buzz noise he can when she does it again]

03.09.059

Alice: Oh man, this is going to be the funniest jape in history!

03.09.060

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Austin : [Deadpan] Totes hilar.

--bcaec520f1cdd9b7d804ddf289d5

03.09.061

Charlie: [Obliviously] But if I did press it again, wouldn't it simply shut the door again? And have we time for such experimentation? [Growing excited] And, if so, do let us take a moment to look at the prophecy!

03.09.062

Jordan: [Clapping his hands excitedly] Do it again, do it again!


;;; Think Dru from Buffy. Tried to find a link for it but having no luck.

03.09.063

Alice: Oh, do be serious, Charlie! There are a thousand naked angry soldiers outside who want to kill us. We don't have time to read prophecies! Now, let's shut the door so we can all pretend you get a shock. It'll be ... wait for it ... surprisingly -- gah! -- I mean, shockingly funny!

03.09.064

Charlie: [Briskly] Well, if we have time for THAT, we have time to sneak a peek at the prophecy. [Sighs] But I suppose we have time for neither. Let us make our escape! [Heads out the newly opened door]

03.09.065

t us make our escape! [Heads out the >newly opened door]

Dur: [As loudly as he can] BZZZZZZZZZZ! Did it work?

03.09.065

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Austin : [Follows Charlie. To the others] Come on, lets get out of this awful place! [Grimaces at the colour scheme]

--bcaec5215531dab12204de0380bc

03.09.066

Alice: [Almost leaping out of her skin] Holy CRAP! Dur! That's not funny! Honestly, what is wrong with you? Why would you do that? I could have been killed!

03.09.067

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Austin : [Giggling] You had better watch out in case he does it again. [Looks around the new room]

--047d7b15aee5fafa8704de03e098

03.09.068

[This is a luxurious looking sitting room, with multiple large metal panels in several walls, that look as though they could slide open. Meanwhile, outside, the party can hear the sound of a crowd approaching. They don't sound happy.]

03.09.070

Charlie: [Tries one of the metal panels] Could we use the orb here, I wonder?

03.09.071

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Austin : [Looking around for exits, looking at the shape of the room] Do you think that this is the inner sanctum?


;;;; did we close the door behind us?

--047d7b6781b0cd597804de043163

03.09.072

Clint: Bruni kind of implied it would be a ways inn, didn't she? On the bright side, hopefully some of those naked freaks will fry themselves on the wall in there!

03.09.073

[The door did shut behind them.]

Alice: Maybe this is the Inner Sanctum and we can use the orb here?

03.09.074

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Austin : Very well. [Throws the orb at the floor in the middle of the party]

--047d7bd75834f79f9b04de0522b1

03.09.075

[The orb bursts open, and a shimmering pool appears.]

Alice: Yay!

03.09.076

Charlie: Splendid! Now, follow me, group! [Steps into the pool]

03.09.077

Clint: Haw! Let's get the flock out of here! [Follows Heather.]


;;; Out for the morning, I fear. Taking a friend to pick up his car

from shop.

03.09.078

Alice: [Just as Clint approaches the pool] Bzzzzt!

[CLINT doesn't even seem to notice and is gone, but ALICE almost collapses with laughter.]

Alice: Oh my good heck! Did you see his face? He almost lost his life!

03.09.079

Dur: Mine was funnier! [Dives in]

03.09.080

Alice: [Scowls] No! Hey! It certainly wasn't funnier than my - [dives in]

[The rest of the party leap in, just as the door slides open and dozens of naked soldiers race in.]


;;; End of scene, next one coming right up

03.10.001

[Book IX, Act III, Scene X. The Portal. ALICE, AUSTIN, CHARLIE, CLINT, DUR and JORDAN are here, having just appeared. Also here is LANNISTER, bearing the signs of a battle.]

Alice: -one, which even Austin set was totes hilar! [Spots Lannister] What's going on?

Lannister: We're under attack! I have an orb to get you back to your own time, you better use it immediately!

03.10.002

Charlie: Thank you, but we won't leave while you need our help! Who has attacked?

03.10.003

Jordan: Surely having several extra sets of hands makes more sense than sending your back up home man!

03.10.004

Lannister: Alas, my brave, if overfed friend, this is a one man job. This is not your time, you must all return.


;;; No posts from me tomorrow (Monday)

03.10.005

Jordan: If you insist Lannister, try not to die, there's a good chap. [To the party] Come along then gang, we have to get home and save the realm from the Baceks! Sally third, and all that!


;;; Out all day (Tuesday)

03.10.006

Lannister: Indeed I do! Gertrude gave me a device to send you back, but she warned me that you can only take things with you that belong in your own time.

03.10.007

Jordan: [Frustrated] Balls! Charlie better write up the half-prophecy in your note pad, what it is on now doesn't belong in our time. And we have a bigger problem [looks at his clothes and the others] we're going to emerge naked. Our clothes are still in the other dimension.


;;; Technically, that does make 3 from me, though not all in the same

day, if you look at the posts 3-7.

;;; Still got about 2 and a half hours before I'm out for the day though.

;;; Or does the 3 rule only take effect if it is all on the same day Conor?

03.10.008

Lannister: You've got no time for copying things! We need to figure out how I can get it to you!


;;; No, you're right, it would count in this case!

03.10.009

Dur: Perhaps you could bury it exactly where you open the portal? Then whenwe get back to our time we could just dig it up?

03.10.010

Alice: [Looks at Dur, astonished] That's... that's actually a really good idea, Dur!

03.10.011

Charlie: [Fretfully] I suppose, though I would prefer to copy it first! How can we know it will be safe?

03.10.012

Lannister: There's no time! [Points to a huge, flat rock] There, put it under there!

03.10.013

Charlie: [Shrieks] Yes, Grandfather! [Hurriedly tucks the prophecy under the rock]

03.10.014

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Austin : Excellent, let's get going then. As nothing from this time will come with us, I expect that this will be the closest thing to a bath that Mr Scar has ever experienced.

--001a11c35d8a0508a504de54b8b3

03.10.015

Alice: Ah, but you underestimate how much dirt and filth he brought back from our own time with him!

[LANNISTER lobs an orb onto the ground.]

Lannister: Now quickly, before those crazed monks get in here!

03.10.016

Clint: Get going, guys, and see you on the other side! [Gets in his usual position to cover the party's retreat.] Lannister, good luck.

03.10.017

Charlie: [Races into the orby swirl] Goodbye, Grandfather! You're just as dashing as I knew you would be!

03.10.017

Alice: You don't have to tell me twice. [Stands there motionless]

Jordan: Hurry up, Alice! [Leaps into the swirling pool that appears where the orb hit the ground]

Alice: Huh. I guess you do!

03.10.018

Lannister: And you're just as attractive as your grandmother! [Smiles, but then looks a little guilty] Uh, did that sound a little more child molestery than I meant it to?

Alice: That depends, how child molestery did you want it to sound?

Lannister: Not at all.

Alice: Then yes, it sounded a lot more child molestery.

Lannister: Then tell her that what I meant to say was that her grandmother looks way sexier than she does, especially naked, because I love seeing her naked. Although, I haven't seen Charlie naked yet, so, it's not like I'm comparing them or anything.

Alice: Got it. You want to see Charlie naked. Check.

[Leaps into the swirly pool.]

Lannister: Sonofa!

[The others soon follow ALICE.]


;;; End of Book IX, Act III. Next one coming in right away

03.10.018

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Austin : [To Lannister, pausing beside the portal] Who or what is or are the Bacsecks?

--047d7bdca6a448b9ae04de559b5f