[Book IX, Act III, Scene I. The Well. ALICE, AUSTIN, CHARLIE, CLINT, DUR and JORDAN are here. The light from the orb subsides, and they can see that they are in the exact same spot.]

Alice: What the hell was that?


Charlie: I'm not sure! [Looks around] Perhaps it didn't work? Do orbs [finger quotes] go off after a time?


Alice: I don't know! It certainly seemed to work. Whatever it does, it just did.

[Enter MACKENZIE FLIGH, a man in his early twenties. He looks shocked.]

Mac: Oh. My. God!

Alice: [Points at Mac] Is that what it did?


Crap! [Pinches self repeatedly] =C2 I=0Afinally did it =E2=80=93 you finally came!=C2 Holy Crap!=C2 What=E2=80=99s the Message?=C2 [reaches= out=0Atentatively to touch someone, then pulls back arm in terror at last moment] =C2 What=0Ado I need to do? =0A


Alice: Uh, I don't know. That depends on who you are!


Charlie: [To Mac, excited] Oh, how thrilling! Do you know Gertrude Parker-Kensington?

;;; Nice to have you in the game, Jack!


Austin : [Leaning back] Please don't touch us, I can assure you that we are quite real. [Looks around, then to Mac] Would you mind telling us what that orb did?

;;; Hi Jack!

;;;;; out for rest of day


nzie Fligh, archaeologist=0A [thinks quickly] and World Chief Ambassador forVisiting Aliens. [Not very=0Aconvincingly] =0A=0AMac: [To Charlie] Yes! Wel= l, no. Is that a codeword? I know=0Aabout the signs, and the cropcircles, and the clues you left in the artifacts.=0A=0AMac: [To Austin] The orb! Is t= hat your teleportation space craft?=0ADo you come in peace? Or to experiment on us primitive life-forms? [shudders in=0Aexcitement] We mean you no har= m, unless you intend to exterminate all life on=0Aour planet in which case we'll fight back, obviously.


Alice: Cool! Ambassador, eh? How come we've never heard of you?

;;; Both Heather and Dom are afk!

Charlie: [Puzzled] Er, okay.

Austin: [Straightens a cuff] We have no intention of exterminating any life forms, unless, of course, they promote poor fashion and lack of hygiene. [Gives Clint a withering look] Where are you from, my good man?


A0Last from Conor #9=0A=0A=0A> =0A> Alice: Cool! Ambassador, eh? How come we've never heard of you?=0A> =0A> ;;; Both Heather and Dom are afk!=0A> = 0A> Charlie: [Puzzled] Er, okay.=0A> =0A> Austin: [Straightens a cuff] We have no intention of exterminating any=0A> life forms, unless, of course, t= hey promote poor fashion and lack of=0A> hygiene. [Gives Clint a withering look] Where are you from, my good=0A> man?=0A>=0A=0AMac: [punching the air = at Alice's throwaway comment] I knew it! You ARE aliens. [Sniffing armpits] I'm from a town called Apraxia, in a place called the North Realms. I can = draw you a map if you like. I work with Harbridge, which is a university - a place for learning things [uses hand gesures to try and articulate concep= t of 'university', like in charades] .=0A


Alice: We certainly are not aliens! What are you talking about? We know where Apraxia is! [Points at Charlie] She grew up in Bodenringham Manor!


Charlie: Indeed, and I work at Harbridge! [Studies Mac] What department?


not aliens? Well why are you wearing such odd clothing? And what are you doing in that well - you weren't there a moment ago? Bodringham? [Points to t= he beautiful old manor nearby] I'm sure I've never seen you around. [Squints at Charlie but does not recognise] Archaeology. I've never seen you= either. [Looks suspicious] =0A


moment ago? Bodringham? [Points to the beautiful old manor nearby] I'm sure I've never seen you around. [Squints at Charlie but does not recognise] = Archaeology. I've never seen you either. [Looks suspicious]

Charlie: [Baffled] But I have a great many friends in the Archaeology Department! Surely have heard of me. [Helpfully] Charlotte Parker-Kensington? Renowned cryptozoologist and budding demonologist?


? Renowned cryptozoologist and budding demonologist?

Dur: [Groaning] Please don't ask her how she studies Demons. I assure you its far to graphic...


ac: No? And I know all the cryptozoologists... [Even more baffled] Unless! [puches air again, even more excitedly] you must be from the future! You ar= e time travellers, returning to speak to me! I knew it! What year do you think it is? How long do you have? Oh my god [in fascinated horror] maybe you= 're all my great-great grand children. Do you have an ancestor called Fligh?=0A


Alice: I hope not! [Points at the manor] Hey look! The manor! It looks like it did before the fire!


Charlie: [Looks at the Manor, astonished] You are quite right, it looks just like it did before we rebuilt it! [To Jack] Do you know my grandmother, Gertrude Parker-Kensington?


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Jordan: Oh I bet he does. That's probably how she knows about his misspelled tattoo.



Alice: Huh! She has the same name as you, Charlie! [ Looks at the manor] Hey! Look at that! The manor!

[ The manor looks like it did before it was burnt down.]


Clint: [Scoffing.] Naw, Charlie and her family are all prim, proper, respectable people, not sexual deviants with a boring streak.


Alice: Really? Gertie seems pretty deviant!

;;; Careful -- Mac hasn't introduced himself yet, so the party don't know that

;;; he's the same Mac that Gertrude was talking about


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Jordan: And Chuckles did marry a demon. Seems anything but boring there.

;;; Sorry, thought he had introduced himself! My bad...

;;; Conor's second email somehow got dropped from the list

;;; So added it back to.



Clint: Naw, that's deviant. Get her talking about 6th century Apraxian pottery... that's boring. See the difference?

;;; We kid because we love, I'm sure!


ence?=0A> =0A> ;;; We kid because we love, I'm sure!=0A=0AMac: It's not boring if it was really created by aliens. Anyway I think you better get out o= f the well now. I'm Mackenzie Fligh. I've heard of the Parker-Kensingtons but they are quite stuck up so don't speak to the likes of me. [reaches dow= n into well offering a hand to Alice, but freezes upon mention of tattoos] . How could you have know that? [claps hand across arm to conceal tattoo,= which is concealed anyway by shirt] =0A


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Jordan: Well, [rolling his eyes] we were told to meet a guy called Mac here, and, well, you are here. So, [sighing a bit] it stands to reason you must be Mac. Forgive me for assuming, and if I am wrong. But if you are Mac, then there is a tattoo we are meant to mention we know about.



Austin: Actually, [sniffs] I think you'll find that we were told that we WOULD meet a man called Mac. That's quite different to being told that we should. Why, for all we know, he could be some innocent by-stander who knows nothing. [Eyes Mac] Do you know nothing?


Charlie: [To Austin] Clearly he know SOMETHING. Harbridge does not hire hacks! [To Mac, sensibly] Perhaps you could tell us what year it is? That might clarify matters.


could tell us what year it=0A> is? That might clarify matters.=0A=0A=0A1228 [thrilled] What year is it in the future? Well, your future? And obvio= usly I know things - more than most people. I knew about you, for a start. And what the old stone circles were REALLY about, stuff they're not allowed= to teach you at Harbridge. And [whispers dramatically] the Krunkenshaft Conspiracy.


Alice: Krunkenshaft? Oh man, is that another anal sex thing? Honestly, is that the only thing you academics think about?


[Time passes.]

Alice: [Clicks her fingers to get people's attention] Hey! Hey!


Charlie: [To Alice, snapping out of a daze] What's that? Oh, sorry, dear. Something you said made me think of-- [smiles dreamily and trails off] something. [Composes herself] Right. [To Mac] Are you, perchance, called Mac?


Austin : And he has a misspelled 'Jennifer' tattoo on his arm, and we have just traveled back in time 50 years?


A0Last from Dom #32=0A=0A=0A> Austin : And he has a misspelled 'Jennifer' tattoo on his arm, and we=0A> have just traveled back in time 50 years?=0A= 0AMac: Yes - Mac/Mackenzie, that's me. And can we just not talk about the tattoo anymore please. Only fifty years? [somewhat dissapointed] . Are you g= oing to take me back with you into the future? [preparing to climb down into the crowded well] .=0A


Alice: We don't even know why we're here!


Alice: Great! [Climbs out] Why did we travel back in time?


Charlie: Indeed, why have you been waiting for us? Have a message for us [dramatically] from the past?!


A0Last from Conor #34=0A=0A=0A> Alice: We don't even know why we're here!=0A=0AMac: To meet me obviously. I've been waiting for you guys for years, = more-or-less. [peers down at Alice] . If you've come to find out about time travel, I'm your man. =0A


Dur: Maybe he knows how to get [dramatically] BACK TO THE FUTURE!

;;; Couldn't resist!


Alice: Actually, Dur, given that we're the ones who are out of time, it's the opposite. [Dramatically] Forward to the Past! [Thinks] Er, um, well, hm.


TGFzdCBmcm9tIEphY2sgIzQwDQoNCj5NYWM6IE5vLCBuby4gW0hlbHBzIEFsaWNlIG91dCBvZiB3 ZWxsXSBJZiBJIHdhbnRlZCB0byBzZW5kIHlvdSBhIG1lc3NhZ2UgZnJvbSB0aGUgcGFzdCwgSSB3 b3VsZCBqdXN0IGhhdmUgd3JpdHRlbiBzb21ldGhpbmcgPmRvd24uIFlvdSBndXlzIGhhdmUgdG8g Z2l2ZSBtZSBhIG1lc3NhZ2UgLSBhIG1lc3NhZ2UgZnJvbSB0aGUgZnV0dXJlISBUaGluayAtIGhh dmUgeW91IG1hZGUgY29udGFjdCB3aXRoIG90aGVyIGxpZmUtZm9ybXMgPnlldD8gVHlwaWNhbGx5 LCBbc3BlYWtpbmcgbm93IHdpdGggZ3JlYXQgYXV0aG9yaXR5XSB0aW1lIHRyYXZlbGxlcnMgcmV0 dXJuIHRvIHRyeSBhbmQgY2hhbmdlIHNvbWV0aGluZyBhYm91dCB0aGUgcGFzdCwgb3Igc3RvcCA+ c29tZXRoaW5nIHRlcnJpYmxlIGZyb20gaGFwcGVuaW5nLg0KDQpEdXI6IFt0byB0aGUgZ3JvdXBd IElzIHRoYXQgd2hhdCB3ZSdyZSBoZXJlIGZvcj8gDQo


Alice: Can't be done! We've tried it. If you try to change the past it'll fail, because then the thing that caused you to go back in the past in the first place to change it won't have happened, so you don't know to go back!

;;; Stuck in a meeting for the rest of the day, so probably no posting


Austin : But we did not come back in time deliberately, or because of the Abyss or the Reveals, we simply came to find something that Gertrude said would be of interest to us. [Shrugs] So perhaps we can stop the Abyss?


Alice: But what how do we figure it out?


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Jordan: Well, Mac said he's an expert on time travel, so why don't we hear what he has to say on that. That may be what Gertrude wanted us to find out.



Clint: No names! I don't want to accidentally wind up being my own father or something creepy like that!


Alice: [Points at Clint] That's Clint Scar!


Charlie: [To Mac] Do you perhaps know something about the Baceks? [To the party] Grandmother seemed rather concerned about that, didn't she?


Clint: Didn't someone say something about them being the end of the world or something like that?


Clint: Huh. Wonder what Gerty wanted us to do with you, then!


Alice: What a gyp! What now?


Charlie: I should like to go to the Manor. Perhaps Grandmother is there?


Austin : [Dryly] Yes, we will watch out for that.


Last from Dom 52

Alice: Unless we're supposed to kill them and not doing so causes a cataclysmic disaster!=


Charlie: [Horrified] Do be serious! We are NOT going to be killing any members of my family.


Austin : [Climbs out of the well] I wonder if they have any Louis XIV. [Straightens a cuff, and checks his hair]


Charlie: [Primly] Well, there is no danger of that, as I am already quite happily married. Now, let us go find Grandmother. [Wide-eyed] Oh, I do wonder what she will be like as a young girl!


Austin : [Glances] That is just what I was wondering.


Alice: Hey! Maybe Austin is Charlie's grandfather! Wouldn't that be funny?


Charlie: [Icily] No.


Austin : [Laughs jovially] Yes, hilarious! [Nods]


[Exit ALL, towards the manor.]

;;; End of scene, next one coming right up!


[Book IX, Act III, Scene II. Bodenringham Manor. ALICE, AUSTIN, CHARLIE, CLINT, DUR, JORDAN and MAC are here, having just arrived at the door. The manor looks just like it did in its heyday.]

Alice: So, uh, do we knock? Or just go in?


Charlie: [To Mac, grabbing his hand] We cannot just go barging in! There will be a small army of servants just inside, and we would be thrown out at once. We must behave as civilized people [looks at the party wearily] though I know this is not natural for many of you! [Raps briskly on the door]


[The door is opened by DARIUS, who gives the party a big smile.]

Darius: Hey! What are you doing here?


Austin : [Suspicious] We are on holiday, visiting Charlies relatives. What are you doing here?


Clint: Is Gerty about?


Darius: I'm on holidays. Visiting Gertie. [Winks and does a finger gun] Click-click!


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Jordan:: [To Darius] I could be wrong, but you asked us what we were doing here as if you know us.

;;; Stupid phone didn't alert me to emails today so didn't realise anyone

had posted.



Charlie: [Watching Darius disapprovingly] And as if you know Grandmother rather TOO well!


Clint: It's not like he's the stable hand or something, Chuck.


Austin : [Smirking] I would rather expect the stable hand to know Gertrude very well, he is her employee, after all. [Smirks]


Clint: [To Darius.] So are you going to let us in?


Darius: [To Austin] Sometimes I am the stablehand, with my rugged, handsome good looks, other times? Saucy French maid! [Looks at Clint] Depends on who you are?


Dur: [Fingers in his ears] Well we certainly aren't here to inspect your depravities so you can kindly dispense with the detailed accounts, thank you = very much!


Alice: What cavities?

Darius: You sure that Gertie is expecting you?


Clint: [Carefully.] She more or less sent for us.


Darius: Thanks, I like how they make my calves look, but they're really tough on my ankles. [Proudly shows off his high heels] Well, if you think they're honest, then you'd better come in. [Steps back to let the party in]


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Jordan: [With a smile] Why thank you, I think we shall. [Walks past Darius in to the manor]



[The hallway looks similar to how it did before the fire. As the party file in, GERTRUDE, looking much younger, comes into the hallway. She is clearly a few months pregnant.]

Gertrude: Oh, hello. Who are you?


Charlie: [Beaming] Oh, you look so YOUNG!

;;; Are we supposed to be careful about revealing the future,

;;; Conor?


Gertrude: Of course I do. It's because I am!

;;; Idunno!


Austin : [Apologetically] She can be a little slow sometimes. A future you in 50 years time sent us here to see you, and Charlie here is your granddaughter. We were hoping that you may know why you sent us back in time 50 years?


Gertrude: Really? [Looks Charlie up and down] Ah! [Smiles] The Parker-Kensington genes are strong in this one! [Touches her own forehead] I see the Parker-Kensington forehead survives the next two generations! Come and sit down. I'm afraid I have no idea why you might be here.


Austin : [Cooling himself with a small pocket fan] What a relief! I thought we were going to die horribly, as so often happens in proximity to the manor.


Gertrude: You might still do so. My husband will be back soon and is likely to challenge Darius to a duel.


Charlie: [Uncomfortably] Why would he do that?!


Darius: [Nonchalantly] She broke my heart and I'm here to win her back.

;;; The last interaction the party had with was in Book 8.12, in their

normal time

;;; where he is married to Bruni:

<P><a href=http://queens-view.com/Scripts/08.12.html#12.04.177>Darius' last appearance</A>


Charlie: [Shocked] But Grandmother! You are married woman! How can you allow this? Send him away at once.


Gertrude: Grandmother? [Smiles] I like that! I did send him away, but he came back.

Alice: Like a bad penny?

Gertrude: Not really, they're bad luck.


Charlie: But he IS bad luck! He is absolutely maddening and not nearly as nice as Grandfather. [To Darius] Stop trying to destroy my family!


Gertrude: [To Mac] On the way! [Pats her stomach, she is about four months pregnant] Why?

Darius: I'm trying to save it! No offence, Alice, but Charlie's grandfather is an idiot.


Charlie: [Defensively] He is NOT! [To Gertrude, uncertainly] Is he?


Gertrude: No. [To the party] Did I say anything in the future that gave you a hint about what I would do when you got here?


Charlie: We had been discussing the Baceks when you suggested it. Does that mean anything to you?


Darius: Who says it's his child?

Gertrude: Everyone who knows that I dumped you months before we got married. [To Charlie] The Baceks? No, never heard of it. I must have given you some hint, or some item to take back?


Charlie: [Jaw drops] What do you mean? [To Gertrude, slightly frantic] Grandmother, who's child are you carrying?!


Gertrude: Lannister's.

Alice: Oh my God! Does Charlie's grandfather know about this?

Gertrude: Lannister IS Charlie's grandfather.

Darius: Unless someone kills him and she's descended from your second child!


Austin : [To Darius] I think you have pretty much worn that one out.


Dur: Did future Gertrude give us anything to bring back? I hope it wasn't food... otherwise it may already be gone.


Austin : She said that we would probably see Mac, and that he would have a misspelled 'Jennifer' tattooed on his arm. That was about it. Apart from that we were investigating the coming of the Abyss, and the Reveals. [To Gertrude] Does that mean anything to you?


Gertrude: It's one of The Books, isn't it? It's suppose to describe the end of the world.

Darius: So, how did you guys get here from your own time?


Darius: Mine too. [Leans in close to Mac and nods towards Clint] I think he might be an alien. That smell can't be human, can it?


Darius: [Looks back up at Clint, before whispering almost as fiercely to Mac] Maybe it's some sort of weapon?


Charlie: [To Darius] So, you do not know us?


Austin : [Sighs] He will do soon. Poor devil. [Glances disdainfully at Dur, Mac and Clint]


Darius: Of course I know you! Not all of you, though. You, Austin, Alice, Clint and Dur.

Gertrude: So, how did you get here? How did you travel back?


Charlie: We used an orb, one you gave us. [Politely] Thank you!


Gertrude: My pleasure! What a polite young lady you turn into. I certainly hope that you follow the family tradition and become a Watcher. Oh, best to tell me where and when I give you the orb, just so I know.


Charlie: [Delighted] Oh, yes! I became a Watcher, though, well. . . . There's no need to give away the WHOLE future! [Whips out a notepad] Here, I shall jot down the date and approximate time you told us about the orb. You had hidden it by the well, behind the Manor, which is where we used it.


Darius: By the well? Yeesh. You wanna vague that up a bit?


Austin : It was under the lump of black meteorite rock, which according to Gertrude, had no business being in an Apraxian hayfield. Perhaps the meteor is highly relevant, [to the others] was it there after we time traveled?


Gertrude: There was a meteor shower last night!


Mac: That's right! [Hits head] I can't believe I forgot to mention it earlier. That's one of the ways I knew you guys were coming. It was obviously a Sign.


Clint: Nah. Probably a complete coincidence!

;;; So, we had an unexpectedly good result in a big world cup qualifier

last night. Am still hung over. Sorry!


Darius: Almost certainly. Maybe you should go and check it out, though, just in case.

;;; Tsk!


Austin : Was there anything particularly strange about the meteor storm?

;;; what sport is that in?


Darius: Other than that it was a meteor storm? [Shrugs] It did seem to come from the ground rather than the air.

Gertrude: I was about to go and check it out when Darius arrived. [Holds up a battered and well worn notebook] I just need to get my tweed suit.


Charlie: [Squeals] Oh, a tweed suit! Is it grey?! [Does a double-take, to Darius] Wait, it seemed to come from the ground? That is rather strange, wouldn't you say?


Austin : Yes. Why would anyone want a grey tweed suit? [Looks dumbfounded]


Mac: From the ground! [Brandishes trowel, brush and a small measuring device with gusto] Sounds like an archaeologist is needed! [To Austin] Bet you're glad you found me now! [Looks around outside for any visible meteors or holes.]


Gertrude: Of course it's grey! [Laughs] I mean, do you think I'd have a brown one?

Alice: [To the party] Mac's right, we probably do need an architect, and he does seem to have a towel!


Austin : [Whispers to Alice] That's a trowel, it's like a really small shovel, not a towel!


Alice: Like the kind of one you'd have with a bucket at a beach?


Mac: [To Alice, with aerial trowel-skill display] It may be small but I sure know how to use it!


Charlie: [Delighted] How thrilling! I have wanted to go on an archeological dig for ages!


Alice: [Looks Mac up and down] Sure, you say that now, but I don't think it'll get you dry at all!

Gertrude: I'll be back in a moment!


Darius: [To the party] You should go before she gets back.


Austin : Why? She is coming with us. [Glances around the others] Isn't she?


Charlie: She certainly is! [To Darius] You are just trying to get rid of us so you can challenge Grandfather!


Mac: [Nods at Austin] I think we should wait for her: we could use her help finding these meteors. Why don't you put on some wellies and join us too? The more the merrier.


Darius: I just don't want you to have to witness the death of the old fool!


Dur: Perhaps we could put the challenge off until after we have inspected the mysterious meteor shower?


Alice: Isn't it more of a meteor fountain? Or maybe a meteor bidet?

[Enter GERTRUDE, wearing a grey tweed suit.]

Gertrude: Right! [Looks over the party] What's going on?


Dur: Errr.... We thought YOU knew. Weren't we going on some sort of dig?


Charlie: [Excited] We are going to investigate the meteorite. Isn't it thrilling?!


Gertrude: Yes, it is, and that's what I thought too. [Looks at Darius] What about you?

Darius: Sure! I just wanted to leave that bottle of brandy for Lannister. The poison probably won't kill him.


Mac: Okay you do that quickly Darius then we should be off [Prepares to lead the way] . Austin, didn't you say you need to use the toilet? Perhaps you could go now and then join us all over there [points to a likely meteorite growth location nearby, winking meaningfully at Austin] . You can lock the door behind you. [To Gertrude and Darius] Don't worry, he won't touch anything. [Whispers to Austin] Especially not a poisoned bottle of brandy...


Alice: I've a better idea! Austin, maybe you should hide the bottle of brandy!

Gertrude: Oh, pay Darius no mind. He wouldn't try to poison Lannister, would you, Darius?

Darius: Wouldn't dream of it!


Dur: Still... Perhaps it is best to err on the side of caution...


u could go now and then join us all over there [points to a likely meteorite growth location nearby, winking meaningfully at Austin] . You can lock the= door behind you. [To Gertrude and Darius] Don't worry, he won't touch anything. [Whispers to Austin] Especially not a poisoned bottle of brandy...

Austin : My, my, Mac what a fine memory and unfortunately rather less fine vocabulary you have. [To Gertrude] If I may make use of the aforementioned facilities, then I shall join you shortly. One must be wearing the appropriate clothing in order to investigate and meteor-archaeological site appropriately.


Darius: We'll wait for you, Austin.

Gertrude: Yes, the site is about a mile away.

Alice: Great! Let's get that naked guy who keeps having sex with people to drive us there. He seems really nice.

;;; She's referring, of course, to Fletch, who hasn't even been born yet!


Clint: We left him fifty years in the future, Bimbo. But good plan!

;;; Err... association football, to be hyper-precise, and so as not be mocked

;;; for having an American approach to vocabulary. =) Not as morbidly

;;; entertaining as the qualifier we played in a blizzard last Friday,

;;; but infinitely more satisfying!


Alice: Can't we just wait?

[The answer is no. Exit ALL.]


[Book IX, Act III, Scene III. The Golf Carriages. ALICE, AUSTIN, CHARLIE, CLINT, JORDAN, MAC, DARIUS and GERTRUDE are here, racing along in two golf carriages. CLINT is driving one and GERTRUDE the other; they are close enough that everyone can converse easily.]

Gertrude: We haven't been out to the site yet, but neither has anyone else. If there really is no other hint, then the rock the orb was hidden under must have some significance. However, all my research indicates that we could be entering into a highly volatile and dangerous situation. Are you ready for that?

Alice: [To Mac] You better sharpen that towel of yours, Mr. Fancy Architect!


must have some significance. However, all my >research indicates that we could be entering into a highly volatile and dangerous situation. Are you rea=

Dur: If traveling together has taught me anything, Gertie, it's that this group makes EVERY situation volatile and dangerous. [Whispering] After all, = you've smelled Clint right?


Do you still have golf carts in the future? Gosh I can't wait to travel there with you later - I have all sorts of great ideas. [To Alice, waving trowel] Oh its sharp. Would you like to hold my plumb bob?


Alice: [To Mac] That's what she said! [Thinks for a moment] Er, hm.

Gertrude: Unfortunately, Dur, yes. Ah, we're almost here. I had some of the more easily replaceable servants guard it, but I don't see them.


Clint: [Sharply, to Mac.] Hey! There will be no holding plumb bobs in public!


Alice: My old boarding school employed a guy called Plumb Bob. His job was to flash the girls. He always said that it was a plumb job. Although, now that I think of it, he was arrested, and hardly any of our teachers were ever arrested!


Clint: Sounds like a legit teacher to me! Now, let's see if we can find those servants! [Looks around for anything more out of the ordinary than usual.]


Alice: No, he was a Careers Guidance Teacher.

[The party spot several bodies scattered around.]

Gertrude: Good lord! The servants!


Charlie: How dreadful! And good help is SO hard to find!


Clint: [Drily.] Your compassion is overwhelming, Sarge. [Takes a look at the nearest body, to see if he can figure out what happened here.]


Alice: I know! Who's going to make our dinner?


[The body has been torn to shreds. It's not possible to identify if it was animal or weapon, as there is virtually nothing left. It seems to be the same for the other ones. All of their chests have been ripped open/]

Gertrude: How extraordinary! [Starts making notes] There's certainly no indigenous creature that would be capable of this?


Charlie: [Also taking notes. Excited] Marvelous! Could it be a Mngwa? Or perhaps a Hodag? [Super, extra excited] Oh, could I please consult with the Willets-Carruthers Collection, Grandmother?!


Gertrude: [Laughs good-naturedly] If you're good!

Alice: [To the others] Oh, God. Are we being punished?

Darius: [Pokes at one of the bodies with his sword] The heart is gone from this one.


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Austin : [Looks at the other bodies cautiously] Have they all had their hearts removed?



Alice: Ew! This is disgusting! [This does indeed seem to be the case]

;;; Drew is out for a while

Jordan: But what did it? [Alarmed] And where are the hearts?


Mac: [gingerly stepping around corpses] There is a very strong chance this was done by Martians or Venusians. Yes... Very strong indeed. [Looks up towards stars, but sees nothing except sky.] Hmmm. Unusual. Where is the meteor? If they are gone, perhaps the murderers stole them, or even hatched from them?


owards stars, but sees nothing except sky.] Hmmm. Unusual. Where is the meteor? If they are gone, perhaps the murderers stole them, or even hatched fr= om them?

Charlie: [Nods enthusiastically] Oh, good thinking! It could be these unfortunates were incubators of a sort. [To Gertrude] Isn't it thrilling?! Oh, I have always wanted to write a paper with you, and now here's our chance!


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Austin : It does remind one somewhat of that old message from the grave "From within it consumes". A phrase one of Alice's ancestors wrote in his own blood as he was dieing. [Sighs] But these are just servants, so it probably doesn't apply.



Gertrude: Indeed! It would be fascinating! We could have young Mac help with the research. Perhaps give him an acknowledgement?

[The party hear a terrific roar from over the brow of a hill. Clearly some sort of animal noise.]


Mac: [Blanching] No that's quite all right - to you and your grand-daughter the glory. Say, why don't we head back to the house for the moment and come back later on instead. [Walks as quickly as possible towards golf trollies] .


Alice: [Draws her sword] Come on Mac! You'll never be a real architect unless you kill something!


Charlie: [To Mac, reassuringly] Do not worry! We are seasoned adventurers and well used to defending the feeble-minded [nods subtly at Dur] and weak [nods subtly at Mac] . Best to a rock to hide behind! [Pulls out her sword and heads toward the animal noise]


[A huge, wolf like creature with massive tusks that drip blood leaps out in front of CHARLIE.]

Alice: Quickly, Mac! Honk the horn on the golf carriage, that'll scare him away!


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Austin : [Dashingly] Once more into the fray! [Readies his sling shot and follows Charlie at a safe distance]



Mac: [in golfbuggy, driving wildly] Oh sweet Jesus no - why are you all running TOWARDS the horrible dangerous monster. Why am I following behind in this trolly? Wow these things are really fast! [shooting past Charlie in buggy straight for the wolf-monster] Where are the breaks?!? Agh! WHERE ARE THE BREAKS!?!


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Austin : [Shoots at the wolf] Go Mac! That's the spirit!



[Thump. The golf carriage crashes into JORDAN.]

Jordan: Ow! Hey! That really hurt!

[The monster leaps towards the carriage, only to be struck in the side by an arrow.]


Charlie: [Impressed] Nice shot! [Goes to make sure the wolf is dead]


Alice: Well, thanks very much, but I can't take ALL the credit.

;;; Actually, she shouldn't take ANY, as she doesn't even have a bow.

[It's not dead, but mortally wounded, and has several other wounds. Enter LANNISTER PARKER-KENSINGTON, a dashing and handsome night, covered in blood.]

Lannister: Aha! I see some dashing adventurers have come to my aid!


Dur: [From behind his rock] But we thought you were the dashing adventurer coming to OUR aid?!


Lannister: [Kills the monster] Hah! Brave AND modest, and accompanied by a beautiful woman!

Alice: [Getting all fluttery] How kind of you to say....

[LANNISTER strides up to GERTDRUDE and kisses her passionately.]


Dur: [Still behind his rock, 'just in case'] Hey! That's a married woman!


Lannister: Is that true?

Darius: Yes, but her husband is an idiot.

Lannister: Are you her husband?

Darius: Not yet.


Charlie: [Breathlessly] Grandfather! Oh, how wonderful! [To Darius, smugly] You never had a chance, you silly man!


Lannister: Grandfather? [Lifts an eyebrow]

Gertrude: Our grand daughter, apparently. She and some colleagues have travelled from the future see us!

Lannister: [Looks over the party] What a handsome group of people she knows. [Very quickly steps up to Austin, very, very close] Panda skin gloves? Very discerning. [Steps back and looks at Charlie] It is an honor to meet you, my dear.


Mac: He's fine [dusting off a semi-comatose Jordan] . He was like that before I crashed into him too. Honestly. Pleased to meet you Lannister [proffers hand] I'rm Mac. I'm not from the future. Although I'll probably be going there later.


Lannister: We're all going there, we just have to stand around for a while!

[Everyone laughs.]

Alice: [Stops laughing] I don't get it!


Charlie: [To Lannister] Why don't you have this man [looks coldly at Darius] removed so that we might continue this discussion privately, as a family?


Darius: How do you know that I'm not your real grandfather? [Click-click!]

Alice: [Swoons at Lannister] Or maybe that I'm not your real grandmother!


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Austin : [To Alice] Because you have not had any children? [Offers a hand shake to Lannister] Austin Sleaze, pleased to make your acquaintance.



Alice: We're traveling in time, Aus! Time is relative to the trajectory of the observer. It's basic math.

Lannister: [Shakes Austin's hand] Good to meet you. Lannister Parker-Kensington. Are you here because of the portal?

Darius: I think they're here because of the duel.


Mac: Yes, that's right. [Nodding confidently] The portal. That's why we're here. The portal which is probably linked to the meteorite growths and the time travelling. The portal to ... ? [waits for Lannister to finish the sentance] .


Lannister: Ha! Excellent! I knew you had the heroic bearing of a knight the moment I heard you screaming like a little girl! It's the portal to [dramatically] where the monsters came from!


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Austin : Perhaps we could call it the portal to the Abyss? [Checks his nails] Anyway, we should really go in there and slay all of the monsters. [Does a test spin of his sling]



Darius: Good idea. Why don't you take Prince Haircut and go in? I'll stay here with Gertie.


Clint: I think we should just find a way to close it! Who knows what consequences killing all the monsters could have?


Jordan: [Climbs off the golf carriage, giving Mac a dirty look] Why the hell else did we come back then?


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Austin : Well, I am sure that we will find out in due course. Perhaps we could do some archeology whilst we are waiting?



Clint: Might as well! It's not like we can pop back to the future to have Gerty be less opaque this time.


Jordan: Or maybe we could just hanging around and do nothing?


Darius: You can bury this idiot [gestures to Lannister] on the other side of the portal.

Lannister: [Laughs] You guys should take Darius before he hurts himself.


Charlie: [Whining] Do we HAVE to? He is SO tedious! Can't you just give him a good thrashing and teach him a lesson?


Darius: [Circles Lannister, fists rolling, preparing to give him a good pounding] Be careful, Sarge! I'm the one who's likely to be your real grandfather! She should be my wife! You don't get to marry my wife!

[LANNISTER adopts a graceful boxing stance and prances around. Bam! He punches DARIUS square on the nose, causing everyone to wince.]


Dur: [Whoops and hollers as the fight breaks out] Who are we cheering for?


Clint: Focus, Chuck, focus! We've got weird monsters to worry about! And a portal. Which is where, exactly?

;;; Did I miss that? I mean, Lanny seems to know where it is, but have we

;;; spotted it yet?


Jordan: I hope they both lose!


;;; No!

Gertrude: [Getting all and bothered] Er, yes, he's right, Lannister. [Fans herself]


Dur: [Scratching his head in confusion] errr.... because.... [Light bulb] YOU want to be Charlie's grand dad?!


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Austin : [Scolding] Neither! In fighting is not a good thing! What happens if they both mortally wound each other, and then another monster arrives? [To Lannister and Darius] Can't you two settle this like men? [Rolls his eyes]



Lannister: That's what I'm trying to do! [Pops Darius on the nose again, causing him to fall down on his backside]

Darius: Ow! [Nose bleeding, clearly close to tears] Odsin's dright!


Clint: Hell, if those two want to beat each other black and blue, let 'em! Meanwhile, we've got a world to save! Or, uh, something. Let's find that portal, guys! [Starts in the general direction Lannister came from.]


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Austin : That is not gentlemanly! A mature and civilised man would simply ask Gertrude which one of you she prefers, as a husband, and then get a restraining order against the other!



Alice: [To Gertrude] Well? Which do you prefer?

Gertrude: Sorry, Darius. It's Lannister. He's just so heroic!


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Austin : [To Gertrude] Excellent choice. [To Lannister] May I offer you my services in the preparation of a restraining order against Darius? [Whips out a notepad and pen]



Mac: Will you two leave it alone already? We have no idea how long these people will remain in the past - they could be whisked back out into the future at any time! We need to go the abyss now. You two can fight it out once we have killed the monsters and saved the world, but not before! [Tries to pile everyone into the golf buggies] .


Lannister: The monsters are coming from the portal, [points in the direction that he came from] I shall plunge into the portal and destroy them, and you can stay here to pick off any of them that make it through. [To Darius] You can hang around and be pathetic.

Darius: I've a better idea. [Dramatically] I'll go through the portal!


Charlie: [Eyeing Darius warily] Grandfather, perhaps you should stay here to look after Grandmother so no one bothers her! [Gestures grandly to the party] WE shall enter the portal and defeat the monsters!


Lannister: Hah! She's definitely one of us, Gertie. I just hope you don't inherit your grandmother's penchant for bad boys! [To the party] You guys would tell me if that was the case, right? You'd look after her?


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Austin : [Nods, trying to keep a serious face] Certainly would. [To Alice] She only likes good boys, doesn't she Alice. Perfect angels, every one of them!



Charlie: [Laughs nervously] Er, right! In any case, you don't want to spoil the surprises the future holds, do you, Grandfather? [All business] Now, what can you tell us about this portal? And these creatures? Anything we should know before we go?


Alice: [To Austin] Suuuure!

Lannister: They are vicious, but nothing that battle hardened cohesive [notices Mac and Dur hiding behind the golf carriage] er, well oiled machine like [spots Clint urinating up against a tree, which almost immediately dies] can... er... [looks at what appears to be an old grey rag at Alice's feet] is that your underpants?

Alice: Gah! It's laundry day and I only had these ones, and the elastic is gone! [Pulls them up]

Lannister: [To Charlie] You'll be fine.


Charlie: [To Lannister, brightly] Wonderful! [To the party] Come along, group! Let us see to these portal-creatures at once!


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Austin : Surely we should rest first, then pack some provisions? Whilst you may enjoy the taste of demon meat [gestures to the wolf demon] I for one have had enough demon meat dinners for this lifetime.



Lannister: What a joker! He must be a hoot to have around! No time to rest, my friend -- who knows when the next one will come through?


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Austin : [Giggles] Yes! Only joking. Of course, there is no time to waste [Looks, apprehensively, in the direction of the portal]



[Everyone advances after DARIUS, and soon encounter him standing in front of a huge pool of green slime. Every so often, a small shower of rocks shoot out of it, causing it to bubble and steam in a most unpleasant way.]


Mac: Super - lets enter the unknown! [Leaps headfirst into closest portal] .

;;;Got a wedding in Belfast all day tomorrow so will be offline (


Alice: Ew! Was that the portal or some sort of disgusting slime pool?

Lannister: Both.

Alice: Sigh. [Leaps in]


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Austin : [Shudders at the sight of the pool] I should probably wait here, and make sure that we are not followed by enemies. And in case we need backup.



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up. Dur: Look on the bright side Austin! At least it's not water! [Dives in]



Charlie: [Eagerly joins the others] Goodbye, Grandfather! We shall return when we have taken care of this little problem for you!


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Austin : [Sighs] The things I do for the Realms! [Strips naked and carefully folds and wraps his clothes, wrapping them up and putting them into his satchel] I do hope they have some fresh dry towels! [Dives into the portal hugging his satchel]



Darius: [To Lannister] I'll be back, and when I do, I'll claim my woman. [Jumps in]

[Everyone else jumps in]

Gertrude: I thought the portal would just be water?

Lannister: It is.

Getrude: Then what's this thing?

Lannister: A pool of disgusting sludge.

;;; End of scene, next one coming up!


[Book IX, Act III, Scene IV. Beyond The Portal. ALICE, AUSTIN, CHARLIE, CLINT, DUR, MAC and DARIUS are here, having just appeared in a large cave which is lit by torches in sconces.]

Alice: Where's Jordan?

Darius: [Still bleeding] What's a Jordan?

Alice: The greatest poet in the Realms, that's what!

Darius: Just be glad he's not here.

;;; Gone again! Back online in an hour


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Austin : [Carefully grooming and removing all traces of sludge] I am [Sighs in relief]



Charlie: [Scraping sludge off her of her suit, wrinkling her nose] Surely there was a better place to put that portal! [Looks around, unhappily] Jordan probably went to the Manor to get a look at the Willetts-Carruthers Collection!


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Austin : [Relieved] Well, as long as he is not writing any more of that awful poetry, there is hope for us yet! [Finishes cleaning and get dressed]



Alice: Hey! Don't be so mean! You're just jealous of his huge... talent!


Mac: I write poetry too [grins inanely at Alice] . Anyway, that wasn't too bad - this sludge is lovely and warm. Being born must feel a bit like this. So, where are the monsters?


Alice: [Looks at Mac, shocked, and then slowly starts to applaud] That.. that was beautiful! That's the second greatest poem I've ever heard!


Charlie: [Critically] One prefers poetry that rhymes. [Looks around] Perhaps the monsters do not await us conveniently, and we must go find them? Terribly inefficient!


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Austin : [Looks around] Does anyone have any idea which dimension we are in? [Sighs] It looks like another dead planet.



Alice: Maybe it's just this cave? [Points out a pathway] Looks like there's only one way out of here.


Charlie: [Sword at the ready] Follow me, group! [Heads down the path]


[The party head along the path and can hear what sounds like small waterfall up ahead. They round a corner only to see that the noise is coming from a man, peeing against a wall. He turns to look in their direction, shocked. This is TAM TAMBERS.]

Tam: What the hell?


Charlie: [Shields her eyes] Sorry, we did not mean to interrupt! [Wrinkles her nose disapprovingly] Though WHY are you urinating in your home, rather than out-of-doors?


Tam: This isn't my home! You think I live in a cave? I know you're going to be our saviours and all, but come on, come ON!


Charlie: [Flattered] Saviors? You knew we were coming?

;;; That's my three!


Tam: Well, you're either saviours or blood thirsty monsters who want to kill me.


Dur: [Stomach growling] Errr... of course we're not monsters! So long as you ask the right people....


Clint: "Our" saviors? Just who all are you talking about?


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Austin : Me of course! Have you forgotten how brilliant I am?



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Dur: Of course we haven't! You can't forget something you don't know!



Tam: The Saltines, of course! For too long we have been oppressed! It was just a matter of time before some kind souls would hear our call!


Clint: And the Saltines are related to the wolf monsters how?


Charlie: [Puzzled] And what is the significance of salt?


Tam: Salt? Sorry, don't know what you mean. The wolves are pretty scary aren't they? I'd sure hate to be in whatever dimension they came back out into!

;;; Gone for an hour!


Clint: Haw! Those freaks don't stand a chance! Anyway, how many of you Salty people are there?


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Austin : And do all of you believe in us saviors?



Tam: There are several hundred thousand of us! Now, not everyone would call you saviour, though.

Mac: What would the others call us?

Tam: [Thinks for a moment] Uh, jerk, or schmo.

Alice: Hey!

Tam: Or Shnook or dope... or dipstick... maybe lamebrain.

Alice: I don't think I want to save these people at all!

Tam: Aw, come on! They'll only do it behind your back! Or to your face, when you're thrown in jail.


Clint: So why are we suppose to save you freaks, and what from? I mean, who's oppressing you?


Tam: A fearsome five headed beast, called the Sextilde. [Shudders]


Charlie: [Super excited] Ooooh, how marvelous! [Flips out a notepad] Tell me everything you know about it's eating and mating habits!


Tam: Ew! I don't know anything about that!

Mac: What about how it lives? What are its personal habits?

Tam: Murder, torture, maiming, imprisonment, dance, mutilation, drownings and baking.


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Austin : Baking, good. That's a relief, I thought for a moment that it was completely psychotic!



Alice: Not so fast, Austin! [To Tam] What kind of baking?

Tam: Uh, the normal kind, I guess. You know, cakes and what-not.

Alice: Do the cakes contain anything disgusting?

Tam: Sure. Mainly fingers and penises. Anything that can be cut off relatively easily.


Austin : Ah, I see, a complete psychotic monster. [Looks annoyed]

Tam: Despite their ingredients, they are surprisingly delicious.

[Notices the disgusted looks.]

Tam: Hey! It's not like I choose to eat them!


Charlie: They force you to eat cakes made from [vaguely] appendages? To what end? [Muses] Perhaps this is a ritual that holds some significance to their culture! If only I could study the creature more closely!


Tam: Study it? Aren't you here to kill the Sextilde?


Charlie: [Reluctantly] Quite probably, if it is as dreadful as you claim. Still, no harm in learning a bit about it first!


Tam: Well, it has five heads. Each more fierce than the last.

Alice: What about the first? Which one is that more fierce than?

Tam: The fifth.


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Austin : I am sure that it will be easier to kill it first, and then study it, for those who are inclined to do so. [Checks his hair in his pocket mirror]



Mac: So where is it? Does it live here?

Tam: No, in the palace.


Charlie: [Impressed] What a very fancy monster! Where is this palace? [Hopefully] Will they let just anyone walk right in?


Tam: Oh, God no. They have a whole army stopping people like you from getting in the door.


Dur: [Sighs] There's always an army blocking our way into a palace to kill a monster!


Alice: And this army? Is it like an army of cuddly kittens and puppies?

Tam: Not really, but they sure eat a lot of kittens and puppies.


Clint: Better that than penis cupcakes! [Hopefully.] The members of this army, they're really stupid, right? So we can trick our way past them?


Mac: Or avoid them by sneaking into the throneroom through the back door? [Also hopefully] .


Tam: Not a chance! No one gets in except people working there, and then only when they bring nice presents!

[Everyone is distracted by a ferocious growling from further up the passageway.]


Charlie: [Sword out] Careful, group! This magnificent creature might be coming to us, instead!


Tam: Well, one of them is, but she probably has her hounds with her.


Dur: [Cowering] Do they have any exploitable weaknesses?


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Austin : [Hopefully] Perhaps they are vegetarian?

;;; is this working now?



Tam: No! And they're attracted to sweat! [Gives Dur a horrified look] And urine!

;;; Out for an hour

;;; Per!


Charlie: [Hands Dur a copper piece] Splendid! You go ahead and draw the creature out, and we shall be waiting in ambush!


Dur: [Pockets the copper piece] Why Do I always have to be the bait?!


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Austin : [Backing off] Good question! Well work on that and let you know when we have an answer!



Clint: Don't worry about it, doc. It's a sign of the high respect we have for you. You'll be fine.


TGFzdCBmcm9tIFRvbSAjNTYNCg0KPkNsaW50OiBEb24ndCB3b3JyeSBhYm91dCBpdCwgZG9jLiAg SXQncyBhIHNpZ24gb2YgdGhlIGhpZ2ggcmVzcGVjdCB3ZSBoYXZlIGZvciB5b3UuICBZb3UnbGwg YmUgZmluZS4NCg0KRHVyOiBbS25lZXMgc2hha2luZ10gSSBkb24ndCBGRUVMIGZpbmUhIFtCZWdp bnMgaW5jaGluZyBmb3J3YXJkIHZlcnkgc2xvd2x5IG11bW1lcmluZ10gR29vZCBkb2dnaWUuLi4u IEkgaGF2ZSBhIHNhbmR3aWNoIGhlcmUgZm9yIHlvdS4uLiBbUHJvZHVjZXMgc29tZXRoaW5nIGZy b20gaGlzIHVuZGVyd2VhciB0aGF0IG9uY2UgcmVzZW1ibGVkIGEgc2FuZHdpY2guXQ0KDQoNCg


Clint: [Encouragingly.] That's the ticket, doc! When Charlie here hands you a crap sandwich, give it to the monster instead!


Tam: Is he your leader? How brave he must be!

[Something huge is thundering towards the party, but hasn't yet come into view.]


Dur: Awwww.... Screw this! [Dur tries to cast Summon Monster III before retreating back to the rest of the group]


[Enter MR. CUDDLES, the scariest looking rabbit that anyone has ever seen.]

Alice: Yikes! What the hell is that? Dur, did you do that?


Clint: I sure as hell hope so! [Steps between Mr Cuddles and the party, just in case.] Niiiice bunny...


Dur: I don't think I did!


Tam: Brave AND modest! Amazing!

[MR. CUDDLES leaps onto CLINT and bites him savagely.]

;;; Lose 14hp, Clint

Alice: Yikes! [Pulls out her sword]


Clint: Holy crap! [Attacks the bunny.] Down boy, down!

;;; And here I was just in the process of writing

;;; > Clint: Then throw it your sandwich before it decides to eat us!

;;; I am prescient!


Charlie: [Gasps] Even though it must have the taste of Mr. Scar in its mouth, it has not lost its appetite! [Attacks the bunny]

;;; Freaky!


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Austin : [Shoots the rabbit. Panicky] Kill it! Kill it quickly!



Clint: I'm workin' on it!


[Everybody lashes into MR. CUDDLES, and, although it inflicts a few more scratches on CLINT, eventually it falls to the ground, dead.]

Mac: Wow! That was super exciting! Hurrah! We've killed the Sextilde! Hurrah! [Looks at Tam] Right?

Tam: Uh, no, that was the Sextilde's pet bunny!


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Austin : [Kicks the dead bunny, nonchalantly] It was not particularly tough.



Charlie: [Nods] Indeed, we should take our triumphs where they come! [To Tam, hopefully] Is this only pet she has?


Tam: Sure. She only has rabbits.


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Austin : [Trying to be cool] Perhaps a recipe for rabbit stew is in order?



Alice: What's the problem? The rabbit's dead!


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Austin : There is no problem. Unless none of us know how to cook. [Glances around the others]



Darius: [Clearly still feeling sorry for himself] RabbitS.


Dur: [Already holding the dead rabbit corpse] You mean we have to cook it first?


Darius: That depends on what you want to do with it.


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Austin : [Trying to be chilled] How many pet rabbits does she have?



Charlie: [Cheerily] At least it was easily defeated! As long as there are not, say, DOZENS, we should be fine!


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Austin : [Goes a little pale at the thought. Postitively] I am sure we could manage a few dozen.



Tam: It's not DOZENS. Unless you means dozens of thousands.

Darius: [Grabs Tam by the throat] Look! How many rabbits does she have?

Tam: [Choke!] Why don't you ask her yourself?

;;; Gone for an hour!


Clint: What we need is some poison and a big bag of flesh-tasting carrots!


[Enter KANHILDE, a pouty looking woman who looks like a strange combination between innocent rabbit and sex kitten.]

Kanhilde: I love carrots. I like the way they.... [licks her lips] crunch.


Charlie: [Uncertainly] Indeed. Er, are you a pet, perchance?


Kanhilde: [Takes out a huge carrot and salaciously licks it] No, but I'm always on the look out for new pets. [Smiles coyly as she looks around the party] What are you all doing down in here? In [waves the carrot scoldingly at Tam] a shielded area?


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Austin : Shielded area? Shielded from what or whom, may I ask?



Kanhilde: [Licks her lips] From the mean old Sextilde, of course. Now, what would someone be doing that's so.... filthy... that they'd want to keep it hidden away?


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Austin : [Gestures to Clint] Mr Scar may be quite filthy and disgusting, but he does have his good points. Though I would understand that you might want to keep him hidden away. In an air tight container.



Charlie: [Nods emphatically] Oh my, yes! [To Kanhilde] Not to worry, though. We were just on our way and shan't be bothering you.


Kanhilde: [Shakes her head and makes a sultry, sulky face] No. [To Tam] Tell them what happens to people I don't like.

Tam: [Wretchedly] It usually involves some sort of gouging with very sharp carrots.


Charlie: [To Kanhilde] You do like us, though, right?


Kanhilde: That depends on how well you treated Mr. Cuddles.

[Everyone turns and looks at the tattered and torn body of MR. CUDDLES.]


Charlie: [Looks at Mr. Cuddles and gasp, then coos rather unconvincingly] Oh, ah, he's sweet! And what a deep sleeper he is! Can I pet him?


Alice: And what a delightful shade of red his fur is!

Kanhilde: Of course you can pet him. Just put your sword down first. [Smiles sweetly as she looks around the party] All of you. All weapons.


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Austin : I am most terribly sorry, but we can not consider such a ridiculous request!.



Charlie: Mr. Sleaze is quite right! Now, do let us pass, and we shall let you get back to [vaguely] twitching your nose and hopping about.


Dur: Errr.... maybe we shouldn't make her angry. We wouldn't like her when she's angry...


Clint: And eating carrots!


Kanhilde: [Nibbling on a carrot which now looks super sharp] I'm afraid I don't much like your tone. You don't sound friendly at all. [To Austin] I think if you had one less testicle, you might be less testy.


Clint: [Firmly.] There will be no removing the lawyer's testicles! Besides, I can tell you that missing a testicle is no fun at all!


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Austin : [Readies his sling shot] I don't think she was talking about *my* testicles, Mr Scar.



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Clint: [Horrified.] Don't go giving her ideas, Doc!


Kanhilde: Mm! Testicle and carrot stew! My favourite!

[Enter another MR. CUDDLES, followed by another, and another, and another. Soon two more join and immediately start to copulate in front of the party.]


Charlie: [Horrified, to Kanhilde] Your pets are most ill-behaved! [To the party] Let us leave this furry orgy at once! [Tries to storm past Kanhilde]


Kanhilde: Kill them, my pets!

[All rabbits not engaged in disturbing sexual acts charge at the party. Just before they engage, there is a tremendous flash of light from DARIUS's direction, and suddenly, all the rabbits are dead.]

Kanhilde: My babies! My babies!


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Austin : [Shoots Kanhilde] Get her!



Kanhilde: My ba- [bonk!]

[KANHILDE looks up, apparently genuinely upset and hurt.]

Kanhilde: Hey! [Pulls out a huge sharpened carrot] You sons of foxes!

[The rest of the party all attack.]


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Austin : [Continues shooting Kanhilde] Sons of foxes? What kind of a lame insult is that?



Kanhilde: Foxes kill rabiiiiiiii [dies]

Tam: I can't believe it! You did it!

Mac: We killed the Sextilde! Hurrah!

Tam: Oh, no, that didn't kill the Sextilde. It made it mighty angry, though.

;;; Gone until 3PM!


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Austin : [Considering] Foxes kill rabbits! [To Tam] You don't happen to know where there are several thousand foxes are, do you? [Searches Kanhilde]



Charlie: Good thinking, Mr. Sleaze. [Ponders] But then what to do about the foxes? [Suddenly excited] Oh, we could have a Hunt!


Dur: [Also excitedly] Followed by rabbit testicle stew!


Alice: Rabbits don't have testicles! They're girls!

[KANHILDE doesn't appear to have anything at all.]

Tam: What do you want foxes for? All the rabbits are dead!


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Austin : [Frowns] Are there not thousands more outside?



Clint: If there's not, there's gonna be in a minute! Those things breed like rabbits!


Charlie: Perhaps we should make our escape, then! Follow me, group! [Tries to leave the cave]


Tam: [Looks at Austin like he's crazy] No! Why would there be?

Alice: Because thousands of them came in here?

Tam: So? [Looks at Alice like she's crazy]

Darius: Let's leave this loser behind.

Alice: Hey!

Darius: No, [points at Tam] that loser.

[Exit the party.]

Tam: [Takes out a pocket mirror and look at his reflection like he's crazy] Mm. Purple.

;;; End of scene, next one coming right up!


[Book IX, Act III, Scene V. The Sewer. ALICE, AUSTIN, CHARLIE, CLINT, DUR, MAC and DARIUS are here, trudging through what has clearly become some sort of disgusting sewer.]

Alice: Yikes! This almost smells as bad as Clint!


Clint: Look on the bright side, Bimbo - the rabbits and the foxes won't smell us coming while we're down here! Course, once we get out...


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Austin : [Desperately trying to avoid the muck, trousers rolled up and shoe in hand etc] How did the other manage to get in without going through here!



Alice: I get that shit doesn't stick to their fur!

;;; Come on! Everyone knows that joke!!


Charlie: [Primly] Alice, really. Aren't things bad enough without your out-of-control profanity?!

;;; EW


Alice: No! Just think about it! We could cover ourselves in dead rabbits and none will stick to us. Then, when we get out of here, we won't look conspicuous.


Charlie: [Considers this] But won't the foxes become enraged?


Mac: And won't the blood soaked rabbits clinging to us be a tiny bit conspicuous?


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Austin : Not to mention a tragic wardrobe failure!



Alice: [Huffily] Fine, but I think you'll all look like idiots with crap all over your pants. [Turns away and immediately falls head first into the most disgusting pile of crap anyone has ever seen] Glug!

Darius: [Steps on Alice and peers through a grate] Look! There's a town here!


Clint: [Begins hammering on the grate.] Well, let's go so you guys can all take a bath!


[The grate opens easily and DARIUS climbs out.]

Darius: [Looks back down] It's a town, and there's a carriage blocking us from view of the street. Everyone come up, quickly, and be careful, as Alice's back is very slippy!


Clint: [To Alice.] I'd help you up, Bimbo, but I'm not touching you until you get cleaned up! [Tries to get up out without having to step on poor Alice.]


;;; Who'd thought Clint would be a gentleman!!

Alice: Aw, thanks Clint! [Gets to her feet and climbs out] Look, it's a laundry truck. Let's get in and get some clean clothes!


Clint: Okay, but they better have a rope belt and moldy underwear in there somewhere! [Looks for suitably moth-eaten clothes.]

;;; That's my three!


Charlie: [Looks into the truck, anxiously] Is there anything tasteful inside? Something grey? In a suit?


Clint: C'mon now, Sarge, what're the odds they'll have something that specific?


Alice: Come on! Let's check it out!

[Everyone loads in.]

Alice: It's mainly togas!


Charlie: [Delighted] Oooh, perhaps they are for a costume party! We must organize a few party games, like Name That Cryptid or Hookers and Blow!


Clint: [Grabs a toga.] Maybe people around here just like wearing bedsheets!


Alice: [Putting on her own toga] Hey! They're really fashionable! Look! [Turns around, revealing that there's an unfortunate and rather disgusting stain on the back of it] Isn't it great?

[Enter JORDAN, leaping into the back of the carriage.]

Jordan: Hey! There you guys are! I thought I'd lost you!


Charlie: [Looks at Alice's toga and shudders] Perhaps these have yet to be cleaned! [To Jordan] Where on earth have YOU been? Off writing poetry when important work needed to be done, no doubt?!


Jordan: Writing poetry, looking at things of beauty, but then trudging through a disgusting sewer full of dead rabbits. A man with no pants told me that he'd seen you. It's just so great to see you all!


Alice: We're going to a toga party, Jordie! Look at how stylish mine is!


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Jordan: Yes yes, very stylish Alice. Love your addition to the back of it. [To the party] So what did I miss?



Darius: A strangely attractive crazy woman in a rabbit outfit tried to stab us to death with some carrots.


Charlie: We've only just arrived and found this truck of soiled linens!


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Austin : [To Jordan] You did miss my rather brilliant attack on an evil witch! Fortunately for you we managed to kill her [Frowns at a toga he is holding]



Alice: Mine isn't soiled! [Takes a look at the back] Hey!

[The carriage suddenly jerks forward, sending everyone flying into what has to be the stinkiest bunch of clothing on the planet. The carriage is clearly moving at speed.]


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Jordan: Now hey! There was no need for that! [pulls out a hanky to try and rub the smell of the laundry off his face]



Alice: Here, Jordan, use this one! [Hands him a sheet]


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Jordan: Oh! Thanks Alice [takes the sheet and starts to rub his face]



Charlie: [Repulsed] Oh, DO stop that! You are likely to catch all manner of social diseases, rubbing your face in that filth!


[JORDAN pulls ALICE's sheet off her as he wipes his face, revealing the greyest granny under wear that anyone has ever seen.]

Alice: Joooordan!

;;; Out for anything from 1-3 hours!!!


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Jordan: [Looks up from behind the sheet, confused] Huh? What I do now?

;;; Out for about a hour



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Austin : [Smirks] I expect that it is the anti-social diseases that he is worried about.



Alice: Shriek! [Covers herself] I can't believe you all saw me in these! I never wear these! It's just that it's.... what's that day when the servants clean all your stuff called?


ts clean all your stuff called?

Dur: Your birthday? That's the only time mother gave me a bath growing up. Still, she wasn't so cruel that she would make me wear those.=20


Alice: If she didn't make you wear them, then how come you DID wear them?


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Austin : [To Alice] I think it was called 'everyday'.



Dur: Shut up! Everyone has fetishes!


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Jordan: [Looks at the grey knickers rather disturbed] okay, so who was wearing these, Dur or Alice?



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Austin : Alice *is* wearing them! [Tries to find a cleaner toga for Alice] I'll find you a cleaner one!



[AUSTIN roots around and finds a sheet that is marginally less disgusting than the others. The carriage screeches to a halt, sending everyone flying again.]


Clint: [Picks himself up.] I don't know why you people are complaining about a little dirt when the real problem is clearly bad driving! [Looks around to see if he can spot someone driving the carriage.]


[Unfortunately, the carriage is closed in, so the only way out is the back. However, the carriage is now stopped.]


Clint: Anyone who doesn't want to get killed better move on out the back. [Does so himself, hopping out of the carriage.]


Charlie: Agreed, nothing to be gained by lingering here! [Follows Clint]


[Just as CLINT approaches the back of the carriage, the door opens. There stands CON JAZALE, looking quite surprised.]

Con: Hey! [Calls to someone out of sight] There's a bunch of people here wearing dirty sheets!


Charlie: [To Con, with a sniff] That just goes to show what YOU know about fashion! This is all the rage in Faris, Prance!

;;; I know, that Queensviewification is even more wrong than usual!


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to be more my taste of location. Very good for relaxing and recreational activities.

;;; Ah good old Hamsterdam, the one place where cheese consumption is legal



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Austin : [Agrees] Unless you like hill walking and mountains!



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Jordan: Aussie my dear boy, if I wanted to do that I'd go to the Heralayas.



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Austin : Good, I shall book my holiday in the Alps then.



Con: I don't care where you're going on holidays! We're about to rob a bank!


Charlie: [Disapprovingly] Oh, really? Why not get a job instead? Surely there are [finger quotes] fast food establishments about that need bus boys and such?


Con: Fast food? You mean, like horse burgers and stuff?


Charlie: No, I do not! They are quite repulsive!


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Jordan: Speak for yourself Chuckles, I find horse burgers rather tasty and satisfying. [Ponders then thinks out loud without realising] I wonder how it would taste with cheese.



Con: Look, if there were any restaurants, we'd gladly get jobs, but there's not. There's just crap, misery and poverty. And too many rabbits and sandwiches!


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Austin : Awful? Surely something like a cream and pepper sauce would be more appetizing?



Clint: Some dead rabbits just back that way - you could make bunny burgers out of them, start your *own* restaurant!


Con: Get out of it, you Prancie!

;;; Gone for an hour!


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Austin : What in the Realms is a Prancie? I expect that whatever it is, it is the nicest name Mr Scar has ever been called!



Clint: Probably you have your prancers and your prancies! [Disembarks the carriage, giving Con a suspicious look.]


Con: Well, it's not!

[CLINT tries to exit, but is blocked by another man, SAM BO. Sam is covered in all sorts of awful scars.]

Sam: What's this?


Charlie: [Breezily] Just a group of friends, out on the town! [Hesitates, noting the scars] Is everything all right?


Sam: We're about to rob a bank to steal gold to fund an uprising against a five headed demon and our plan has just been compromised by a bunch of toga wearing weirdoes.

[Time passes.]

Alice: Uh, so is it or isn't it?


Charlie: [Excited] Oh, how marvelous! We actually have quite a similar aim. We, too, are in opposition to a certain five-headed demon. Perhaps we can join forces?


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Jordan: What five-headed demon?

;;; out for about 3 hours



Alice: The sexy tilde!


Charlie: So, will we work together to defeat our common enemy?!


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Austin : Some level of co-operation certainly makes good sense. Perhaps we could schedule a planning meeting?



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Austin : There will be no free lunch Mr Dur, I expect nothing less than your full cooperation and dedicated input. I am quite sure you will be over flowing with good ideas.



Alice: [Startled] You know that's Dur, you're talking to, right?

Sam: Damn it all to hell... [looks off into the distance] let's do this thing.


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Jordan: I assume that is why he called him Mr Dur. So anyone mind telling me why this Sexy Tilde is our enemy?

;;; Last from me today. Back is hurting too much to stay at the computer.



Alice: Because she set our mean bunnies on us and tried to stab us with a really sharp carrot!


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Austin : Perhaps you could go and try to make friends with her. Your poetry is highly effective in wooing young women, it may work on her. Then you could report your findings back to us.



Charlie: [Amused] Indeed, I suspect she will hardly woo-ound you at all! [Giggles at the enormous hilarity of her own pun]


Clint: No more puns! [Darkly.] We don't actually *need* a clipboard-carrying tweed-wearing geek in the group, Sarge.


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Austin, while frowning at Charlie] That may not be such a bad idea, your plan has merit. My poetry did get me Alice as a fan after all [rolls his eyes]



Alice: It is ever so good! Say something poetry!!


Charlie: Yes, well, just in case, perhaps we should make another plan of attack first? What weaknesses does Sextilde have?


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Austin : A love of vampire bunnies? Perhaps some vampire bunny related poetry would do the trick?



Sam: No, that's just Kanhilde. The others are different.


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Jordan: So what things does Sexytilde like then? Give me some ideas of what to recite to her



Charlie: [To Sam] What was your plan of attack? After robbing the bank?


Sam: First off, it's Sextilde, and it's not a her, it's a them. [To Charlie] We were going to buy a crap load of explosives and destroy the castle.


Charlie: [Shocked] But won't that kill dozens of innocent people?!


Jordan: As tragic as it may sound, a little revolution does require some sacrifice of the innocent.


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Austin : There are always plenty of innocents sacrificing themselves, it is ourselves that we should be worried about. I'd rather not die again, although it may be preferable to wearing these [Looks in disgust at the toga]



Alice: Come on, Aus! It'll be great fun! Yoga! Yo-ga! Yo-ga!

Sam: You're right. Many will die. Perhaps the entire world. But that's better than being under the rule of Sextilde.


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Austin : [To Alice] Whilst it may be wise to limber up before a fight, we need to prioritize our actions in order to keep within the inevitable resource and time constraints. [To Sam] Do you have lots of explosives?



Charlie: What good is it to destroy a world to rid it of Sextilde?! We must find another way to defeat her.


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Austin : It won't really destroy the world, it'll just be a really big bang. Destroying the world is a little over dramatic.



Sam: How many explosives do we have now? Right at this moment? Uh, none!

Con: It might be dramatic, but it'll make a point!


Jordan: So does a sharp carrot from what I've heard.


Clint: Well, if you've got to go, at least we can go out with a bang! But I say we find a... saner way of dealing with the problem!


Alice: Good point, Charlie. [Does a double take] Whaaa?


Clint: [Shrugs.] Just sayin', Bimbo. You really trust some of these guys with explosives?


Alice: More than I trust you with them!


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Austin : [Chuckles] Better the devil you don't know!



Alice: I know! [Thinks] Er, I mean, I don't know!


Clint: Now that we're all sorted out, are we really planning on blowing lots of innocent people into little tiny bits?


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Austin : No Mr Scar, do pay attention! We are planning on blowing up the palace, and we will avoid causing the suffering of any innocent people if we are able. The needs of the few out weigh the needs of the many.



Alice: So what's the plan?

Sam: We pretend to be here to collect their laundry, and then, when they open the vault, we grab the cash!


Charlie: That's a dreadful plan! Why on earth would they keep their laundry the vault?!


[SAM and CON have a quick conversation in hushed tones, before turning back to the party.]

Sam: Well, what's YOUR plan?


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Austin : [To Charlie, surprised] Huh? So where do you keep your laundry?



Alice: Yeah! Where DO you keep the laundry?


Charlie: [Indignant] How should I know? Do I look like a housemaid?! [Firmly] But we only keep family heirlooms and other such valuables in the vault, that much I do know!


Jordan: What I want to know is, why does the bank have dirty laundry? What kind of laundry?


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Austin : I expect that they launder money, that is what banks do, after all.



;;; Boom boom!

Con: That's what I said! [To Sam] See? Even he thinks it's a good idea!

Sam: Look. I think we need to kick the door down, swords blazing, and steal everything. Anyone got a better plan?


Charlie: Yes! Let us just arm ourselves and attack Sextilde.


Dur: What's 'laundry'?!

;;; Sorry for my absence yesterday. My computer crashed and I was at IT forhalf a day trying to get it fixed and ended up with a loaner -.-


Alice: So is Sextilde in the bank?

Con: No! The money is in the bank! We're not sure where the laundry is.

;;; Gone for the weekend!


Clint: I can't believe I'm saying this, but I agree with Sam. Boot to the door, maybe a couple of boots to the face, and bam, problem's over!


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Austin : And this helps us get explosives in what way?



Clint: Well, once we've kicked in the door and stolen the cash from the bank, we can *buy* the explosives.


Alice: Yeesh, Austin! You think we're just going to steal them? That would be illegal. Now, come on, let's rob this bank!


Jordan: Besides, the guys with the bombs might be heavily armed. You know, having done weight lifting, and full of muscles.


Charlie: [To the rest of the party] Do all of you want to rob the bank?!


Darius: Of course we do! Come on, let's go and kill something!


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Austin : [Apprehensively] Oh, do we have to kill things too?



Sam: We don't HAVE to!

[Everyone charges towards the bank.]


[Book IX, Act III, Scene VI. Outside The Bank. ALICE, AUSTIN, CHARLIE, CLINT, DUR, MAC, JORDAN, DARIUS, SAM and CON charge up to the door, weapons drawn.]

Alice: [As they approach the door] Gives us all your money!


Charlie: [To Alice] Perhaps we should go inside first! [Tries the door]


Jordan: [Laughing] OH come now Chuckles, suggesting something that actually makes sense. Shame on you!


[Alas, the door is locked. However, as it is glass, the party can see through it and that there are people inside, including a security guard.]


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Austin : Oh dear, what a pity. Perhaps we should just go for coffee instead?



Jordan: [Knocks on the door, waving to the security guard] Hey! Any chance you could let us in? We desperately need to make a withdrawal! It's a matter of life and death!


Alice: [Still holding her sword] Yeesh, Jordan! Don't just give the whole thing away!

[The security guard, BALL SECURITY, walks up to the door, agonisingly slowly.]

Ball: [Calls out, but can barely be heard through the thickness of the door] What? Do I really have to come all the way over there?


Jordan: [To the party, quietly] Put your weapons away [To Ball] Yes, you do! Come on man, hurry up! Someone might die!


Clint: Besides, the exercise will do you good!


Dur: I'd thank you to leave the medical advice to us trained professionals Clint! I won't be sued for malpractice because you go around giving crazy a= dvice like that! [Scoffs] Exercise, honestly?


Ball: [Stops for a quick break] Give me a second!


Alice: Never! I only ever exercise dishonestly. Why, this morning I ran a marathon!

Ball: [Gets to the door] Now, you're not going to rob us, or anything right?


Dur: Do we LOOK like we have the cunning or capability to pull off the robbery of this size?!


Charlie: [Laughs merrily] Goodness, NO! Surely you can tell from my aristocratic bearing I would have no need to [finger quotes] rob you!


Ball: Uh, I'm not sure I understand anything you guys just said, but I'll take it as no. [Opens the door] Now, what can I do for you?


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Austin : We would like to make a large deposit.



Dur: Get him! [Tries to tackle the guard]


Clint: Doc! Control yourself! [To Ball.] Sorry about that. He gets excited!


[BALL turns to run, but DUR knocks him to the ground, and holds him there, so that he is lying on top of him.]

Ball: [Looks over his shoulder at Dur] Er, what sort of deposit do you mean?


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Austin : An extremely large deposit of a very rare kind of gold, known to experts as noseeum-gold. But do not worry, we can help you make space for it by moving items of lesser value to an alternative vault.



Clint: [To Ball, eying Dur.] Yeah, it's not what you think!


Ball: Oh, well, that's disappointing. Er, I mean, thank Sextilde for that! Unfortunately, the bank is closed now.


Dur: [Tries casting ENTHRALL] Awww, come on. I'm sure you can overlook silly things like bank hours this one little time.


Ball: Uh, well, normally we wouldn't, but, I guess, seeing as how it's you, we can probably make an exception.


Clint: [Surprised as hell.] Good job, doc!


Sam: Oh. I was kind of hoping we'd get to kill someone! What now?


Charlie: Well, now we need to be sure the money has not been compromised! [To Sam] Could you take us to the vault, please?


Ball: Sure thing! Sextilde is there. You'll love her. She brought sandwiches!


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Austin : [Without a hint of terror] Excellent! Let's go. It all sounds like a brilliant plan.



Alice: Er, do we need carrots? [Handles her sword nervously]

[BALL leads the party to a back office, where a harassed looking man, MO MONEY, sits surrounded by figures, adding machines and sandwiches. He looks up.]

Mo: What the hell is going on?


Charlie: [In a low voice] Er, is Sextilde around? We are planning a surprise party for her, so we don't want to spoil the, uh, surprise!


Mo: There are two of them in the next room!


Jordan: [To the party] Okay, so now what?


Alice: We stay very quiet and say nothing for a few hours. That way, they won't get to see us!

Con: No way! [Pulls out his sword and charges] Yeeeeeeeeeha!

[CON disappears into the hallway. There is a sickening thud, and his head rolls back out.]


Dur: [Cowering, then to Charlie and Alice] Errr.... Ladies first!


Jordan: So much for that plan [draws his weapon and readies himself]


Alice: [To Dur] Go on, then!

[Enter KONHILDE, a crazy looking queen, eating what appears to be a heart. She looks displeased.]

Mac: For the future! [Charges at Konhilde, only to be stabbed through the throat by her sceptre.]


Jordan: [Watches in horror as Mac is killed instantly] Er, guys, I think we're in trouble!


Clint: Time for... plan B! [Moves to cover the party's retreat.]

;;; Sorry all. Insomnia on no small scale last night => oversleeping this

;;; morning.


;;; FYI, your hard-working GM is out for the day and

;;; asked me to pause the game for him. Back

;;; tomorrow with more wacky shenanigans!

On Tue, Apr 23, 2013 at 11:41 AM, Tom Henderson


Alice: [Looks out the door] Uh, does plan B involve those guys? [Points to the hundreds of soldiers who have suddenly appeared outside]


Clint: Uhh... who's got plan C?

;;; off to sleep!


Charlie: [Hopefully] Perhaps they intend to rise up against Sextilde?


Soldiers: [With one voice] Death to those who oppose Sextilde!

Konhilde: [To the party] You have a choice. I can kill you, or my sister can kill you.

Con: I've a better idea! I'll kill y-

[She throws her sceptre at CON, stabbing him in the throat. He falls to the ground, coughing and spluttering.]

Alice: What? What's your idea?

;;; Dom is away

Austin: Whatever it is, I think it didn't work.


Charlie: We choose your sister!


Jordan: {Quickly, hands raised] Hang on just a darn minute! Who said we were against Sextilde? Just because we were standing in the same room as him [points to Con] does not mean we were or are also against Sextilde!


Austin: Indeed! We love Sextilde. Hurrah Sextilde, I say.

Konhilde: Very well, then. If that's true, then [points to Sam] kill him.


Dur: And deny you an obvious treasured hobby? We wouldn't dream of it! You're so talented it would put the rest of us to shame!


Konhilde: Kill him or I shall kill you. It will be very painful.


Jordan: [To Sam] Sorry bub, but you heard the lady. No hard feelings?


Sam: Sure, fair enough. [Puts down his sword] Hey! Wait a minute!


Jordan: [To Charlie] Well, you are our leader. [Pauses] Hang on a minute! [To Sextilde] Why does he have to die? He hasn't done anything to you either!


Konhilde: He killed my sister.


Charlie: [To Konhilde] How dreadful! I shall see to him, but I prefer to do it in private. I have certain ancient family killing secrets to protect, you see. [Takes Sam's hand] Follow me, and I shall kill you horribly!


Jordan: Make sure he screams, horribly. [To Sam] I hear your methods of painful death make married life to a demon seem like paradise


Clint: [Chewing scenery shamelessly.] We're gonna take pleasure in guttin' you, boy. [Tries to lead the party to somewhere private and, more importantly, far away from here.]


Sam: You bastards! [Punches Charlie in the face]


Clint: [Trying to subdue Sam and whisper just quietly enough that only he can hear.] Come with us if you want to live.


Sam: [Stabs Clint] You scumbags!

Konhilde: [Face lights up] Kill him!


Clint: [Very regretfully tries to kick Sam in the gonads.] Trust me, this'll hurt you more than it hurts me!


[CLINT goes for the kick, but doesn't quite connect, and receives a slash across the chest from SAM.]

;;; Lose 9hp Clint

Sam: Why! Why?

Alice: I'll knock him out! [Bonks him on the head with her sword]

Sam: Ow! Hey! That really hurt!


Charlie: [Pulls out her sword and attacks Sam] You imbecile!


[CHARLIE stabs SAM in the stomach.]

Sam: Why? Whyyyy!

Konhilde: [Waves her hand in front of her face, as though she's feeling somewhat excited] Oh my! Betrayal! Oh! Oh yes! [Closes her eyes and her cheeks get even more flushed] Oh yes!


Charlie: [Going for saucy but sounding more stilted and awkward than anything] Liked that, did you, you filthy minx?! [Tries to quickly stab Konhilde while she's distracted]


Konhilde: Oh yes! The look of surprise in his face when he [opens her eyes in surprise] oh!

[Too late! CHARLIE stabs KONHILDE, and is quickly joined by ALICE, driving her sword deep into the very, very surprised and somewhat disappointed KONHILDE.]


Clint: C'mon, Konny, you know you wanted it! [Helps with the stabbing as needed.]


Last from Tom 59

[The entire party lay into KONHILDE, and soon she is no more. The waiting soldiers begin to advance, just as BRUNI enters, eating a sandwich.]

Bruni: Hey! What's going on?

;;; The party attend Bruni and

;;; Darius' wedding in the future.=20

;;; pause until Tuesday!


Last from Conor 60

Jordan: [Looks up at the newcomer] Oh not much my dear, just a slight disagreement. I say, what a delicious looking sandwich. Do you have any more? These soldiers look hungry, and I fear they intend to eat us for lack of another source of food.


Bruni: [To the soldiers] Help! Help!


Charlie: [Tries to grab Bruni] Shh! We are friends of yours. You have nothing to fear!


Bruni: Murderers! Help!

Darius: [Holds his sword up against her throat] Shut the hell up! [To the soldiers] Back off!


Jordan: [Hands up defensively] Now now, let's not be so hasty. We are not murderers, we are cereal killers. Besides, we were acting in self defence. She had already killed one of these men [points to Con] and wanted us to kill the other [points to Sam] or else she was going to kill us. She killed both so we defended ourselves before she could kill any of us. [To the soldiers] Isn't that right men?


Soldiers: [With one voice] No!

Bruni: Self defence? You've just broken into the bank, loaded down with weapons -- we're the ones acting in self defence!


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Austin :There seems to be some miss-understanding, we did not break into he bank, the security guard kindly let us in through the front door.



Jordan: And the weapons are just our every day attire. I knocked on the door, we told the security guard we needed to make an emergency withdrawal as a matter of life and death, and he kindly let us in and even led us to the vault.


a matter of life and death, >and he kindly let us in and even led us to the vault.

Dur: Yeah! Do we even look capable enough to break into a bank?


Bruni: [Looks at the party] You're lying. You came here in a laundry truck to try and help rob the bank to buy explosives to kill us.


Clint: [Scoffing.] Oh, sure, that's what we *said*, but we didn't actually rob the bank, did we?


Bruni: And you haven't been tortured to death horribly yet either, but that doesn't mean you won't.


Clint: Well, in that case... [To the soldiers.] Now back off or the broad gets it! [Nods to Darius' sword.]


Alice: No! He's not going just give her the sword, Stinky! That would be crazy!

Bruni: I think he meant that he'd kill me -- right?


Charlie: Well, I don't know about that! It might have been meant euphemistically. [Whispers] Do you find him attractive? Just between us girls.


Bruni: Which one? The really attractive one or the one with the awful smell?


Jordan: The one who is itching to stick something in you is the one she means. I think.


Clint: And by "something" he doesn't mean a fork and knife, so it's not you, doc.


Bruni: I think he's adorable, especially his big.... nose.

[DARIUS' nose is still swollen from when LANNISTER punched him.]

Alice: Yay! Hostage situation! Come on, let's start making crazy demands!


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Austin : I want my own twin engined dirigible, with a full crew including four masseuse, so that I can relax as I take in the views.



Clint: Good thinking, lawyer! We can use it to get away from the horde of soldiers just waiting to kill us!


Jordan: I demand that we are crowned supreme rulers of this land and everyone becomes our willing, devoted and loyal minions, with the anniversary of this monumental day marked forevermore with poetry competitions.


Alice: I demand that a Whore Store be opened immediately, and we be given 1000GP, no, 10000GP vouchers to spend there! [To the party] It's where I get my make up and extra extra short skirts. They're great!


Charlie: [Quickly] I demand I not be forced to go into the Whore Store! [Brightly] And also, I wish to demand copies of these 76 rare books [whips out a list] , 10 notepads in blue with a spiral top, a platter of no less than 30 quartered crustless cucumber sandwiches, and a detailed map of this area!


Dur: I demand that baths be outlawed!


Bruni: I can't really help out with any of that, but I do have sandwiches.


Dur: Yay! I demand sandwiches!


Bruni: Great! Do you prefer penises or fingers?


Charlie: [Insistently] Cucumber!


Bruni: How about these? [Picks up a sandwich] It's mainly cucumber.


Clint: Just as long as it's not knuckle! [To the party, alarmed.] You guys are really getting into the spirit of this!


Alice: It's not our first hostage taking, you know!

Bruni: So, before my sisters come in and kill you all, why don't you tell me why you're doing this? Do you hate the people?


Clint: Nah. We're actually trying to save people, using creative lies and mindless violence. It's what we do!


Bruni: Save them from what?


Charlie: [Enthusiastically] Oh, all SORTS of things! [Ticks off on her fingers] Hordes of demons, out-of-control bureaucrats, horrific monsters that initially seem like harmless teddy bears. . . .


Clint: Don't forget the horrific teddy bears that initially seem like harmless monsters! [To Brunhilde.] See? We're the good guys!


Bruni: What horrific teddy bears? You're putting this all on, aren't you?

Darius: Don't play dumb with us, bitch! We'll cut your throat!

Bruni: [To the party, with a big smile] Oooh! He's really forceful, isn't he? Is he always like this?

Alice: He just had his heart broken. By Charlie's grandma!

Bruni: Aw! No wonder he's so cranky!


Charlie: [Nods] Indeed! Perhaps we could all go somewhere--more private? [Quickly] So YOU can be alone, and we can give you some privacy. While there, but not watching!


Darius: What makes you think I'd want to be alone with this pyscho? What about the killer bunnies?

Bruni: He's so funny! Killer bunnies indeed!


Jordan: Killer bunnies? Is that anything to do with the sharp and pointy carrot women you told me about before we got here?

;;; Sorry, been out all day


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Austin : There most certainly were killer bunnies. We came here to destroy the source of the monsters that are attacking our realm.



Bruni: [Genuinely shocked] Killer bunnies? The only bunnies I know of are Kanhilde's, and they just bounce around giving people chocolate eggs. [Looks around at the party] Don't they?


Charlie: Not in our experience, no! They were vicious little brutes! [Gestures to the wounded party members]


Jordan: I can't speak from personal experience though. I wasn't there for that. But I have come to trust these people and believe what they speak to be true.


Bruni: [Looks at Darius] What about you? Do you trust them?

Darius: No. But what they say is true.

Bruni: [Crushed] That can't be! The people love us!

Sam: [Barely alive] No.... they love you. They hate the rest of Sextilde. [Dies]


Jordan: [Tearing up] Aww, that was so sweet. Using his dying breath to tell you that you are the only one of Sextilde the people love.


Alice: [Touched at Jordan's emotionalism] Aw! That's the cutest thing I've ever seen, Jordie! [Grabs onto him with a huge hug]

Bruni: Aw! Now I'm going to cry! [Joins in the hug]

Darius: [Watching with a cynical look] I've got something in my eye. [Rubs his eyes] Okay, I'll join, but only so I can grab her ass. [Joins in too, with one hand planted firmly on Bruni's rear]


Charlie: [Joins in the group hug, wailing] I miss Pestilence!


Dur: Sooooo.... our plan is to hug our problems away? [Goes to join in the hug, his pants sandwiches squishing audibly]


Ball: I love you, Brunhilde! You're the only one that keeps the others from killing everyone! [Joins in the hug]


Mo: And I love your sandwiches! [Shoves a few down the front of his pants and also joins the hug]


Jordan: [Is stunned by the group hug but hugs back anyway] I should write a poem about this. Alice, is that your hand on my ass?


Alice: [Unconvincing] No!


Jordan: [To Alice] Unhand my rear at once, or I shall be forced to show your underpants to everyone in this room.


Alice: What are you doing with my underpants?


Jordan: I don't have them, you're still wearing them.


Clint: [Looking at the hug with poorly concealed contempt.] How is this hippy "let's hug our problems away!" crap going to do any real good?!


Jordan: Oh Clint, no need to be so morose. All we need is love, it's really not that gross.


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Austin : Well, it is keeping all the hippy grunge all in one place. That is a start.



Charlie: [Composes herself] Right! Now, we really must overthrow Sextilde [to Bruni] --no offense! I do hope you'll help?


[The hug gracefully breaks apart.]

Bruni: Oh, stop being such sour pusses. Besides, I can tell a lot from hugging someone, [looks over the party] and I know you all now. [Gives a big smile] Everything about you.


Bruni: Of course! I just hope I can talk sense to the others. I do think they'll be a bit miffed about you killing our sisters, though.


Clint: Sounds like a plan! A plan that might actually accomplish something! And would it help if you told them it was self-defense?


Bruni: That would make it worse! We need to come up with a plan to make them like you.

Darius: [Looks at the party] We're screwed.


Charlie: Nonsense! [Assesses the party thoughtfully] Dur and Clint, you will play upon their tender sympathies for the feeble-minded. Mr. Scar, you shall offer free legal counsel; Jordan, you must write a poem that celebrates their beauty and so forth. Alice, you will make them feel better about their bad life choices. [Gestures to herself] And I shall offer an EXCLUSIVE look at my new book!


Clint: We're trying to make them *like* us, Chuck!


Bruni: How are you at dancing?


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Austin : Swing, salsa, waltz or tango?



Charlie: [Gamely] Oh, quite good! At all kinds of dancing. Right, group? [Stiffly does an awkward jig, accidentally kicking off her loafer in the process]


Clint: I'm better at dirty!

;;; Seemed appropriate, somehow!


;;; Nobody puts Stinky in the corner!

On Thu, May 2, 2013 at 11:04 AM, Tom Henderson


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Austin : [Frowns disappointingly at Clint] Well, we seem to have most of the bases covered.



Bruni: I was thinking more along the lines of chorus line, big number at the end of a stirring musical about a plucky young orphan who wins the heart of hard bitten business man type.


Charlie: [Holds her hand up, super-excited] Oh! Oh! I shall be the businessman! I have a lovely suit that just screams "sensible"!


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Austin : [Looks at Charlie for a while. To Bruni] Are we talking Broadway? A musical? Burlesque?



Alice: Oh please! Please! Please be Burlesque! I have a lovely outfit that just screams whore! [Thinks] Actually, maybe it was Daddy who screamed that when he saw me wear it?

Bruni: Yes, a kind of Rawedway type thing. Throw in a bunch of sparkles, some complicated dance moves, and maybe some stuff about chimneys and scary flying nurses and you've got yourself a ticket into the castle.

Darius: I've got a scary flying nurse outfit.


Dur: I can only hope we have time to properly memorize the number before performing it!


Alice: It's okay, I'm a mathematician, I'm really good at numbers. Let's see, there's zero; one; two; three; four... [continues]

Bruni: Right! Time for costumes. There are a bunch of them in the vault.

[Rather surprisingly, this turns out to be true. Everyone gets to choose what they want to wear -- as usual, the more ridiculous and inappropriate, the better!]

Alice: Eighty seven, eighty eight...


Dur: [Dressed now as a drag queen rodeo clown] Oh my god, we get it! You can count! Bravo!


Jordan: [Wearing a multi coloured cowboy hat, a bright pink tutu, a ginger pigtails wig, alligator boots, purple flares and the most hideous green and yellow striped vest top you can imagine] She should have stopped when she reached sixty-nine.


Clint: [Dressed in a rather chartreuse pirate costume, complete with ridiculous hat and eye patch.] She shouldn't have started!


Charlie: [Wearing a grey suit with a red tie. Proudly showing the tie] Looks, isn't it daring?! A RED tie! My character's grey suit suggests that he is a level-headed and sensible businessman, but the red tie suggests he has a secret passion! [Dramatically] A passion--for flamenco! [Strikes a pose]


Jordan: Now that is just mean Clint. [Changing his mind, he puts on a Joker style Batman like costume instead] Ah, much better, the comical crusader, complete with a cape!


Clint: [Waving his hook around.] "Mean" is counting at people! I don't count at Alice! It's aarrrrrrful.


Alice: [Wearing an insanely large Shrek style outfit that makes her look like she weights 800 pounds] Puff! Pant! This isn't quite what I had in mind!


Jordan: Not as mean as making us have to put up with your smell, Private Stinky! [Grinning] Or should that be stinky privates?


Clint: Can you even dance in that, Bimbo? Arr.


Alice: Of course I can! [Does some horribly bad shuffling around] Oh. I think I need to pee.


Charlie: [Firmly] You will just have to hold it, Alice! The show must go on!


Alice: [Paaarp! Lets loose a huge fart] Oh no! I think this suit is airtight -- and echoey!


Clint: If you're going to keep doing that, I'm sure we're all glad it's airtight!


Jordan: But I think she'll be in competition with you Stinky Privates when she opens that suit and lets all those farts out.


Darius: [Wearing his flying nurse outfit] Huh. I like how her face looks green!

Mo: What will I wear? I was thinking of going as the singing assistant bank manager!


Clint: If we can find something for Alice, how would you feel about a slightly used fat suit?


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Austin : [Wearing a skintight shiny gold leotard and gold sequined top hat and cane. Checks his nails] Not quite what I had in mind, but it will have to do.



Jordan: [Picks up a pink dirty grey dominatrix catsuit] What about this Alice?


Mo: Does the fat suit smell like girl sweat and farts?


Dur: Does that question make any one else hungry?


Jordan: Not any less hungry as the sandwiches in this world make me.


Alice: [Huffily] It smells like freshly baked kittens! [Snatches the dominatrix cat suit from Jordan and storms off]

Mo: Mm! Baked kittens!


Dur: [Mouth watering] Do you have any? Baked kittens I mean, of course?


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Austin : [Clapping his hands] Focus people! Focus! We have a mission to perform.



Charlie: Well said, Mr. Sleaze! [Dazzled] Now, group, we have a SHOW to put on!


Bruni: [To Dur] No, but we have a bunch of penis sandwiches. Apparently, people love sacrificing themselves for the sandwiches. [Looks around] They do, right?


Jordan: I think not. More likely they are forced in to it, screaming no less.


Bruni: [Appalled] Oh no! And I suppose all those that sacrifice their eyes to put in our drinks...?


Jordan: More likely to be unwillingly sacrificed then their eyes taken from their dead bodies.


Clint: Eh, I bet the eyes were looking for the penises, if you know what I mean.


Bruni: [Looking like she's about to be sick] Oh my good heck.

Darius: [Hugs her] That's okay, we'll make it all good now.

Bruni: [Blinking away some tears] With some wholesome singing and dancing about hugs and puppies?

Darius: Yes, all about how pure we all should be.

[Enter ALICE wearing a dangerously tight catsuit and insanely dark make up.]

Alice: [Cracking her whip on the floor, causing everyone to jump in fright] Let's kill some Sextildes!

;;; End of scene, next one coming up in ten mins


[Book IX, Act III, Scene VII. Outside the bank. ALICE, AUSTIN, CHARLIE, CLINT, DUR, JORDAN, DARIUS and BRUNI are here, having just left. All but BRUNI are wearing crazy costumes. They are immediately approached by one of the soldiers, who, like all of them, is dressed from head to toe in black and white armour. This is LKL_1287-42.]

LKL1287-42: Brunhilde! Is everything okay? [Glares at the party] Shall we kill them?


Clint: [Firmly.] Yarr. No need for that. [Does a little shuffle.] Just a harmless dance troupe in goofy outfits, we are!


Jordan: Yeah! [To LKL1287-42] Why so serious?


Bruni: He's a Void. They're always serious.

Alice: I bet I could make him laugh! I know the funniest joke in the world. A man walks into the bar with a twelve inch penis and says "I was talking to the duck!" [Roars with laughter so hard that milk comes down her nose]


Clint: Obviously it was the duck's penis!

;;; http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6k01DIVDJlY

;;; but I should add, some things cannot be unseen


;;; Dude! Seriously? I was just about to eat!


[LKL1287-42 is not amused.]


Charlie: [Laughs awkwardly] Oh, these silly humanoids and their crude jokes. [To LKL, robotically] Permission to pass equals true!


;;; Geek!

LKL1287-42: Oh, okay. [Walks past the party into the bank] Hey! What happened here? To this fat guy?

[The party turn to look at MO, who has ALICE's old costume half over his head, and is lying down, motionless.]

LKL1287-42: He appears to have died from suffocation.


Clint: [Regards Alice.] Suffocation is a silent but deadly killer.


Alice: [Paarp! Gives another fart] Uh! Sure!

LKL1287-42: Who killed Konhilde? Sextilde gave strict instructions that they should be killed in a most gruesome fashion.

Alice: Totes grues!

LKL1287-42: I don't know what that means.


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Austin : [Points at Sambo's corpse] It was him, but we killed him gruesomely already. If you want to kill some one in a gruesome fashoin, you could kill your self or eachother, as, after all you failed to protect Konhilde, and therefor are responsible, in part, for her death.



Charlie: [Primly] Quite so! [To LKL] Culpability equals true!


Alice: [Even more primlier to Charlie] I think you mean quiet, so. [Whispers to LKL] Culpability equals true.

Bruni: [To LKL1287-42] It's true. He took me hostage, but this roving band of homosexuals saved me.


Clint: [Trying hard to get into character, and stereotyping outrageously.] It'th tho true!


Charlie: [Nodding vigorously] Oh, indeed! [To Dur, painfully awkwardly] Girl, you are looking fab- [snaps] -u- [snaps] -lous! Where DID you get those shoes?! [Snaps several times, somewhat frantically]


LKL1287-42: Why does that one have a speech impediment?


Clint: [Waves a hand limp-wristedly.] Oh, it jutht means I'm abtholutely fabulouth, honey.


Jordan: Why, because culpability equals true, of course.


Darius: [To Clint] I've never been more attracted to you.


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Austin : [Surprised] Just when you thought things couldn't get any worse!



Clint: [Appalled.] You're telling me! [To Darius, lisping away.] Keep it in your pants. Seriously. I mean it.


Darius: [Deadpan] You know you want it.


Clint: [To LKL1287-42, brightly.] Anyway, now that we've cleared all that up, you better go file your report or something.


LKL1287-42: Very well. I shall fetch the lube.

;;; Pause until Monday!


[Everyone, including BRUNI, climbs into the back of a police carriage.]

Alice: So, Sextilde is a terrifying dictator who routinely chops up her subjects for sandwiches, but who also likes musicals?

Bruni: Sure. We're not a monster, you know!


Dur: Yeah! Who doesn't like a good musical?!


[The carriage trundles through the streets. As a reminder, the party are wearing the following outfits; Alice, a dominatrix catsuit, Austin a shiny gold leotard with top hat and cane, Charlie a grey suit with a startlingly red tie, Clint a fabulous pirate outfit, Dur a drag queen rodeo clown, Jordan a Joker outfit and Darius a flying nurse outfit.]

Bruni: So! What's the story of this musical?


hiny gold leotard with top hat and cane, >Charlie a grey suit with a startlingly red tie, Clint a fabulous pirate outfit, Dur a drag queen rodeo clown=

Dur: [Looking at their costumes] Perhaps something about a traveling circus? Or would that be too close to reality?


;;; Heather's out for a while

Charlie: Oh! Perhaps it could be about a plucky young psychiatrist who takes her patients on a day trip, which results in her learning more about herself as well as writing a fascinating paper on their particular peculiarities. Oh! That would be a splendid name for the musical! Particular Peculiarities!


Clint: [Critically.] Not sure there's enough room for humorous mispronunciation, but we're in a rush, so... [To Alice.] Think you can handle being a plucky young psychiatrist, Bimbo?


Alice: Sure thing, Stinky! I can be Professor Popper and we can call it Professor Popper's Peculiar Particularities, it'll be gear!

Charlie: No, no, no! I should be the psychiatrist! I already have a notebook!


Clint: Yeah, but Alice has the "I'm a plucky young psychiatrist" costume. I'll be Steve, the pirate. Yarr!


Charlie: [Haughtily] I'm not sure what sort of correctional institute funded psychiatrists you have dealt with, Mr. Scar, but I can assure, in general, any psychiatrist of repute wears a suit [gestures to herself] not some sort of Whore Store reject! [To Alice] No offence!

Alice: Offence? I thought you were complimenting me!


Clint: [Patiently.] Yeah, but in real life pirates don't wear [flaps his arms with distaste] this, either! [Shrugs.] But if it really means so much to you...

;;; That's my three, I think.


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Austin : [Surprised at Clint's claim] Are you sure? The one I know does. I think we can add to the current script by making this the story of a plucky young lady psychiatrist that falls in love with a inpatient that thinks he is a pirate!



Alice: Ew! No! Maybe a less stinky patient!


Charlie: [Horrified] We will do no such thing! That would be shockingly unethical. [All business] Now, let's do the sensible thing and say our production is some sort of avant garde nonsense. Everyone will be too frightened of appearing uncultured to make any sort of criticism of what we do.


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Austin : [Indignantly] There is nothing unethical about falling in love with someone! The whole point of the play is that you cannot express your love for the pirate as it would be unethical to *start* a personal relationship! [Exasperated] Don't you see? Can't you stop thinking about sex for one moment?



;;; Drew is out today

Jordan: I could write some wonderful lyrics for it!

Bruni: Avant garde nonsense sounds just perfect!


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Clint: Let's focus on the big song and dance number at the end!


Dur: Does that make you our choreographer, Clint?


Clint: If it means more focus on lame dance moves and bad singing and less focus on acting that we're never going to pull off, yeah! Right. Everyone does their own thing. It's avant-garde! I think.


Charlie: [Nods wisely] Precisely! Something like this! [Stiffly poses herself, hands positioned on her head like deer antlers, gazing into the distance blankly]


Alice: As the most adorable of all of you, I think I should be at the front! We could do a sort of [stands up to illustrate a really lame dance move] Cha cha cha! One two three! [Immediately falls down flat as the carriage stops]

;;; An illustration of Alice's dancing

<P><A href=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4NO-h9PFum4#t=0m36s>Some

super cool dance moves</A>


Clint: Weeeell, maybe a bit more active than that! [Does an artist's impression of a pirate dance.] See the difference, Sarge?


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Austin : [Doubtful] You have all been to a musical before, haven't you? [Looks at the others]



Clint: [Mugging furiously.] Oh, yeah! They're the best thing ever!


LKL1287-42: Really?

[The party form a huddle to discuss this. After some time, a consensus is reached.]

Alice: Yeah, REALLY.

LKL1287-42: Oh, okay then. You better go with Tam.


Dur: [Blinks] I thought she only thought about sex when there were demons about?

Alice: Oh! Maybe that's what the musical is about! She only thinks about love and stuff when demons are about, but then the pirate comes along and she compromises her ethics and falls in love with him, only to realise that he too, is a demon! And then they all live happily ever after and there's a big song and dance number at the end, cha-cha-cha!


Alice: [Looks off in the same direction] What? What's out there?

[The door of the carriage is opened by LKL1287-42.]

LKL1287-42: You may step down, but be warned, everything you do will be observed and recorded by our most trusted observer and recorderer. [Steps back] This is Tam Chambers.

[This is the same man the party met when they first arrived, although now he is wearing pants. He looks a little taken aback.]

Tam: Er, come on in. But [waves a notebook at the party] I'll be observeding you!


LKL1287-42: [Sternly] Haven't you?


Jordan: Excellent! [Looks at his own costume] Hey, where do I fit in to the musical, besides writing the lyrics?


Alice: You're the writer, you tell us!


Charlie: Oh, naturally, you shall play the starring role, as yourself! [Wisely] All of these avant-garde pieces are like that. It means [vaguely] something quite profound, you know. [Helplessly] A look inside the creative process? That sort of thing?


Jordan: [To Alice] Oh, quite right. {Pinches Charlies notepad] I'd best get to work writing it then. Anyone got a quill?


Alice: I bet if we went to the docks we could find one.


Charlie: [Snatches the notepad back] How dare you! Those are my notes for my next book. [Hands Jordan a super-girly, pink, feathery, glittery Hi Kitty notepad] Here, some child gave Will this for a birthday gift, but it didn't suit her. You can have it.


Alice: Hey! That's mine! I lost at the birthday party!


Jordan: [To Alice] Well, how about I write this play in it, autograph it, and give it back to you later?


Jordan: Same could be said if quill was pronounced kill. Where there's a kill there's a quill! But I suppose a pencil or other such writing utensil will have to suffice. [To Charlie] Got one spare Chuckles?


Alice: [Swoon] That would be totes awes! Now, [stagily] let's go to the docks to get your quill.

Darius: [Rolls his eyes] Why would we go to the docks to get a quill.

Alice: Because where there's a [struggles to contain her laughter] quill there's a quay!

Darius: That word is pronounced "key".

Alice: Oh. Oh, well that's way less funny. But if it was pronounced qway, that would hilarious, wouldn't it? [Looks around at the others] Wouldn't it?

;;; Dom is out

Austin: Yes Alice. Hilarious. The pun of the century. [Looks at his nails, frowning at a tiny spec of dirt, which he flicks off]


Charlie: Of course! [Hands Jordan a glittery, feathery Hi Kitty pen to match his notebook]


Tam: Er, right. Shall I bring you to the theatre?


Dur: Might as well. I assume Jordan can scrawl the script out on our way?


Charlie: [Laughs] Of course he can! Creative writing is easy. It's just a lot of nonsense!


Jordan: [To Charlie] Is it bollocks! [To Dur confidently, and maybe a little smugly] But yes, yes I can.


Alice: Hey! He's an artist! Artists don't just scrawl things out! This is an important process that could take years!

Tam: If you don't put on a show within the next twenty minutes, they'll probably torture you all to death.

Alice: Come on, Jordie! Get scrawling!


Clint: Even better, start scrawling while we do our thing! It's avant-garde! Uh, isn't it?


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Austin : It is indeed Mr Scar, but do you understand what that means? [Glances off into the distance]



Jordan: [Looking up] What kind of singing can you all do?

;;; Accidentally sent mine to Tom only last night.


Alice: Mindless pop trash, mainly.

<P><a href=http://www.queens-view.com/Scripts/04.09.html#crucifixion>The party singing "Do the crucifixion", to the tune of "The Locomotion"</A>


Charlie: [Nervously] Perhaps I should just play the tambourine?


[TAM escorts the party to a huge theatre, where it is just him, the party and DARIUS.]

Tam: Wow! You guys are amazing! I knew you were the saviours! I just knew! Didn't I say you were the saviours?

;;; He did!


Dur: Perhaps this performance will be our key to fame and fortune?


Charlie: [Dubiously] Yes, perhaps the comedic aspect will have some value to the public in these dark times!


Tam: True, especially when you add the assassination it.


Clint: Let's just stick with what works, huh? Okay, vulnerable young psychiatrist, smelly pirate, narrator... We've got this planned so well, what could go wrong?


Alice: Uh, the assassination part?


Dur: Really? I would have thought the killing part was right up our alley. The singing and acting part was what had me worried!


Clint: Not my department, Bimbo - I'm playing the smelly pirate!


Charlie: Is the assassination a plot twist? Or the true aim of the performance?


Clint: [Confused now.] I thought the true aim of the performance was to keep them from killing us!


Dur: [Scratching his head] I thought it was just an excuse to dress up in ridiculous outfits and traipse around singing silly songs?


Alice: I thought it was to put on such a bad performance that they would WANT to kill us!

;;; Dom is in and out today and tomorrow

Austin: [Sighs and checks his nails] You're all wrong. It's so that everyone can hear my beautiful singing voice. [Looks seriously at the others] It is most melodious.


Clint: Maybe it's all of the above? Funny costumes, the lawyer's singing voice, keeping us alive, AND an assassination?


Jordan: [Looking up from his frantic scribbling of the musical] Just double checking, but which of us is the narrator?


Alice: [In a booming, authoritative voice] I shall be the narrator, I have a wonderful speaking voice. [Normal voice] Plus, I'm really good a words and things. [Looks at the notebook] Hm, what's that word?

Darius: That's not a word, it's a picture of a kitten.


Jordan: [To Darius] Actually, it is the word kitten, in picture form.


Darius: In the same way that you're the phrase tiresome loser, but in semi-human form?


Jordan: Ah, an uneducated man. I take you you haven't heard of the hieroglyphs the ancient Ryptians used back in the old days?

;;; Where is everyone today?


Darius: I'm sure you do.

Austin: This is not getting Sextilde assassinated.

;;; Dom's out, everyone else is in the US


Charlie: [To Darius] Do stop being so unpleasant. We have a show to put on!


Darius: Yes, but it's a show that culminates in an assassination, so why don't we discuss that?


Clint: [Shrugs.] How 'bout the rest of us distract everyone with our production and you sneak on out the back and, y'know, do it.


Austin: Given that this show is for Sextilde, it seems highly unlikely that sneaking out the back would [with distaste] y'know, [finger quotes] do it. [To Tam] Where is Sextilde likely to sit.

Tam: Front row.


Charlie: Perhaps we could work something into the script? Get a volunteer on stage to do a magic trick that turns deadly, that sort of thing?


Alice: We could cut them in half! Everyone loves that trick!


Clint: And her horde of guards? [Pauses, struck by a thought.] You know, we should invite her up on stage! Audience participation! Maybe Dur could do magic tricks?


Alice: You mean, like sawing her in half?

Austin: Perhaps if Dur attempts to treat her for some minor ailment it might result in her being cut in half?

Tam: The horde of guards will likely be in the next seat back. They'll rip the bones from your back. It's a death trap, it's a suicide rap.


Clint: So the next part of our magic trick had better be a disappearing routine!


Tam: Wow! Do you have a way to do that? Cool!


Clint: [Blinks.] Yes. Yes we do. You'll need to be on stage with us, but don't worry, we'll vanish with you!


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Austin : [Singing preparation, in a beautiful soprano] Do Re Mi Fa So La Tiiiiii! [Clears his throat delicately] Mi mi mi meeeee!



Alice: It's all about you, isn't it, Aus?


Tam: Great! Before we start, I want to record this moment for posterity. Let me get a picture. I'll be back in a moment with my block of wood. [Exit Tam]

Alice: How the hell are we going to kill Sextilde and then escape?


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Austin : Miii [Stops mid warm up. Looks around to see if something is going on. To Alice] Why of course it is [Glances around] who else would it be about? Whatever it is that is bothering your beautiful head, I am sure we can sort it out later [Gives Alice a wink] Hot stuff! [Gently clears his throat again] Miiii - mi - mi. [Pauses] Not my usual brilliance, but brilliant enough! [Smiles satisfactorily]



Alice: Yes, I suppose it is tolerable. But how about this? [Sings horribly off tune] Mii-mii-miiiiii! Anyway, Hot Stuff, what's the plan for escaping once we kill Sextilde?


Charlie: Well, what weaknesses does Sextilde have?


once we kill Sextilde?

Dur: [Farts] Alright! I'm all warmed up! What's my line again?


Alice: A love of opera and bad musicals?


Alice: It starts with "Here's how we escape."


Jordan: [To Dur] It is "what is that smell?" and then look suspiciously at everyone else.


Charlie: After the assassination, we take an elaborate bow and exit stage left!


Jordan: Good thinking, exit stage right is so cliched these days.


Alice: Maybe we should even say "Exit Stage Right", that'll trick them all into thinking we'll go that way!


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Austin : [Ponders this] A cunning plan indeed! ... So, weaknesses, how can we be certain that we kill her, and build that into the script?



Clint: That's what I was going to ask. I bet a sword through the heart will do the trick. It can be part of the climactic "deluded pirate vs his inner demons" scene or something.

;;; Much better. Internet outage earlier. Gah!


Alice: It definitely seemed to work on Konhilde.

Darius: Or maybe it was a combination of that and the twenty other stab wounds she got?

Alice: So, the pirate comes off the stage, pleading with Sextilde and the audience to help him, and then we kill her?


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Austin : Indeed! We could use animal blood and stage theatrics to make it look like we are really killing characters, including members of the audience, during the show, then kill her for real!



Clint: I like this plan! Maybe we can make a clean getaway in all the confusion!


Dur: We should have a carriage ready to cart us off to safety!


;;; Heather's afk

Charlie: Splendid! I am an extremely safe and competent driver. I shall take charge of the vehicle.

[TAM returns, holding a large piece of wood and a red hot poker.]

Tam: Say "Dairy Product!" [Starts burning stick figures into the wood] So, what do you guys need in the way of props?


Clint: Well, let's see. Some fake blood. A prop sword. A real sword. A scapegoat. [To the party.] Anything you guys need?


Tam: It'll be tough to get fake blood at this time of day. How about some real blood?


Clint: I guess it'll have to do!


Tam: Great! [Holds up the piece of wood to show the party; it contains a bunch of figures which are barely recognisable as the party, but which clearly are them]

Alice: Hey! Didn't we see this before?

;;; They have!


<P><href=http://queens-view.com/Scripts/08.03.html#03.06.018>The wood



Charlie: Indeed--how thrilling! It's like a commemorative souvenir!


Tam: Yes! I will keep it in my family for generations -- as a memory of the day we once and for all defeated Sextilde!

Alice: [Whispers to the party] Of course, in his timeline, when we get here it's three generations later, and Bruni's sister is still in charge!


Dur: [Whispering back] No spoilers!


Alice: [Annoyed] Oh, come on! It's not like I just said that RJ was shot by Tristam!

[The party give a collective groan.]

;;; Drew is out today

Jordan: If I had the board, I'd hit you on the head with it, Alice.

Alice: Head? Wood? [To Clint] Insert oral sex joke here.


Dur: Ahhh c'mon Jordan! That kind of violence is a bit HARD to SWALLOW! [Elbowing Clint] Eh? Get it!? EH?


Charlie: [Giggles] You said [finger quotes] insert! That could also be construed in some sort of sexual double entendre, suggesting penetration!


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Austin : My my, aren't e all comic geniuses. [Claps his hands] Save it for the stage people! [Looks at the carving] Well done! [Checks his nails carefully]



Alice: Save it for the stage? [Roars with laughter] That's what HE said!

Tam: Yes. Just as well it's a musical, eh? Come on, let's get you off stage.

[Exit ALL.]

;;; End of scene, next one coming right up


[Book IX, Act III, Scene VIII. Backstage. ALICE, AUSTIN, CHARLIE, CLINT, DUR, JEROME, DARIUS and TAM are here, listening to the sound of the theatre filling up.]

Alice: [Now completely naked] I'm not sure this is such a good idea.


Dur: Which part?


Alice: [Frustrated] Hey! Hey! [Points to her eyes] I'm up here!


Charlie: [Shielding her eyes in horror] Alice! This is not THAT sort of show!


;;; It's not Jerome, it's JORDAN!

Jordan: [Watching Alice] Why aren't you wearing any clothes?

Alice: It's for nerves. You know the old saying, that if you're nervous about a performance, the best thing to do is to imagine the audience, naked.

Darius: I think the saying is "Imagine the audience naked".

Alice: [Thinks] Oh! Actually, that makes way more sense!


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Austin : It will increase publicity, but not of the good kind. [Ponders] Perhaps there is no such thing as bad publicity?



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Austin : I am not sure that it ever helped my nerves, but it certainly helped.



Alice: That's what I thought until someone wrote my Foam number in every men's bathroom in Dementia.


Darius: [To Alice] Did you write your Foam number in every men's bathroom in Dementia?

Alice: Well, not in ALL of them, no!


Charlie: What an extraordinary thing to do! Were you seeking [delicately] work?


Clint: C'mon, Bimbo, you did that yourself, right?


Alice: Hey! I'm not the one on trial here!


Dur: We're having a trial? I thought we were putting on a play! You people really need to make up your minds!


Alice: We were putting on a play, but now it's become a trial because someone stole my clothes! [Notices her clothes in an untidy pile beside her] Okay, we'll let you off with a warning this time, Dur.


Clint: Anyway, the play's going to be a trial for our audience, so we're multitasking anyway!


Alice: Let's see if they're ready. [Peeks out] Yikes! [To the party] They're all naked!


Clint: Do you see our target out there? And the guards?


Alice: I think there are a couple of targets there, and lots of guards.


Charlie: [Confidently] Don't worry, group! We'll fool them all with our [dramatically] ACTING!


Clint: I just hope they're really, really gullible!


Alice: Someone once told me that the word doesn't appear in a dictionary.

Jordan: Don't tell me. You looked?

Alice: Sure did.

Darius: Don't tell me. You could find it?

Alice: Hey, there are LOTs of words there!

[TAM arrives backstage.]

Tam: Right! They're all naked and angry!


Dur: Why angry?


Charlie: And are they REALLY naked, or do you just imagine them as such?


Clint: If you were naked and about to go to our musical, you'd be angry too!


Tam: [Shrugs] Their normal demeanour is REALLY angry, so this is actually a good thing.


Tam: No, I didn't [sarcastically] imagine it. Look, I made a wood burning. [Holds up a piece of wood with lots of tiny burns on it] See?


Clint: Look on the bright side - at least it'll be easy to picture our audience naked! No stage fright for us!

;;; Must dash for the morning.


Tam: So here's the plan. Once you kill Sextilde, you should go to the Inner Sanctum -- Bruni has something for you.


Jordan: Great! [Pauses] Where is the Inner Sanctum?

;;; out for an hour or 2


Tam: Inside the Outer Sanctum and outside the Inside Sanctum.


Dur: Oh! Well that is much clearer!


;;; Heather is out today

Charlie: Oh do be sensible! How are we supposed to find it?

Tam: I'll be waiting here for you, I'll lead you there. [Wink]


Jordan: Well that will help a lot. [To the party] So, does everyone know what they are doing?


Clint: Pirate guy, seeing a plucky young psychiatrist, sword, blood, check!


Alice: Let's do some dancin'! One two three! Cha-cha-cha!

[The party begin a horrible shuffling back and forth that barely approximates dancing. As they do, the curtain slowly rises. They can immediately see that yes, everyone is naked.]


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Austin : [Whispers to Jordan] Have you finished the words to my song yet? The one about pirates singing about drinking brandy?



Alice: Oh, just adlib it, Aus! It'll be about rum and hooks and pieces of eight track recordings. The best lyrics are improvised. Just say whatever pops into your.. uh... what's the word?

Darius: We're screwed.


Clint: [Shuffling awkwardly and trying not to look at the audience directly.] Uhh.... [Breaks into song.] For I am a Pirate King! And it is, it is a glorious thing To be a Pirate King!


[The curtain goes all the way up to thunderous applause. The audience is packed with naked guards and several SEXTILDEs, including BRUNI, GRIMHILDE (with both her eyes), DUNHILDE (thin and almost as mean looking as GRIMHILDE) and WUTENHILDE (crazy looking). BRUNI applauds happily as the party stagger onto the screen.]

Alice: [Singing badly but not doing an entirely awful dance] And uh... I can't really sing, but I think I'm some sort of psycho....


Clint: Yarr! She is the very model of a modern major chorus girl, she loves to dance and sing and give her hair a little twirl... [runs out of inspiration.]


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Austin : [As a chorus/backing vocals to Clint, a creamy smooth soprano] Pour, oh Pour! Pour the pirate Brandy!



Charlie: [Singing] No brandy! No more intoxicants for this already diseased mind!

Dunnehilde: I only want to kill some of them.

Bruni: Yes! They are much better than what we usually have!


Clint: [Singing.] What a shame it is to be a pirate with a shrink! I really need some rum, so I can tell you what I think!


Darius: [Leaps off the stage, landing in front of Bruni, singing surprisingly well] Who needs alcohol, when intoxicated by the beauty of this living doll?


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Austin : [Backing vocals once more] Surely her eyes, are as beautiful as the blue ... sky!

;;; awa hame



Alice: [Stagey rage] But I'm the more beautiful, if not, she will surely die!

Charlie: Protect her! Protect her from the, er, dirty pirate hooker!


Dur: [Enter the Rodeo Clown stage right!] I'll protect her. [Acts as if he is heroically intercepting the Pirate Hooker]


Clint: [Singing, enraged.] She is mine, I tell you, mine! [Whips out a sword.] The ass I'll kick is thine, I tell you, thine! Yarr!


Wutenhilde: [On the edge of her seat] Kill them! Kill them!

Alice: [Draws her own sword and sings dramatically] Come on Austin, their treachery will, er, them be costin'!


Charlie: [Draws her sword and does awkward little flourishes with it] Wonderful to see you, Alice! [To the audience] As well as so many from the Palace!


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Austin : [Draws his sword and thrusts pointedly] Very well! If I must! We shall return them to the dust!



Alice: [Grabs a handful of blood and smears it across herself and over the front row of the audience] Things look kind of orange, and they -- [falls to the ground from Austin's thrust, still clutching her sword]

Darius: [Stands between Bruni and the party] I shall protect you from this scum [throws some blood at Jordan] some of whom are struck dumb!


Charlie: It would simply make my career, if only I could have a volunteer! [Gestures to the audience]


Dunhilde: [Leaps up] Does it involve killing one of these fat bastards?


Dur: It definitely involves killing!


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Austin : [With a swashbuckling leap ] It does indeed, a chance to kill for the thrill!

;;; meetings till tomorrow!



Clint: [Really getting into it now, and dialing for "clearly insane".] Yarr! We dirty pirate hookers don't take no for an answer! [Pretends to melee with Dur for a moment.]


Dunhilde: Then I will do it! [Picks the fake sword] Die! Die! Die! [Stabs Clint, but, of course, the sword is simply fake, but she clearly doesn't realize] I will cut off your genitals and eat them in a pie.


Charlie: [Stagily] I'll save you, Insane Pirate! [Theatrically stabs Dunhilde]


Clint: [Blinks.] Uh... [Staggers around in a truly hamtastic death scene, getting coincidentally as far from Dunhilde and anything resembling a castrating knife as possible.] Aaah!

;;; I'm imagining something sort of like this classic piece of

cinematic genius: ;;; http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FKoDCLPAYAQ


[CHARLIE's sword drives deep into Dunhilde.]

Dunhilde: She's stabbed me!

Wutenhilde: [Enraged] Me! Me! Do me next!

;;; Gone for the day!


Jordan: [Singing soprano] What is this? Blood on my shirt! Someone must die, they must eat dirt! [To Wutenhilde] Come down here, so that you may die! I'd really love, to stab you in the eye! [To the audience] The Joker Man is in, to end this awful din!

;;; Sorry haven't been feeling well the last couple of days.


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Austin : [Cart wheels over to Wutenhilde, with cat like grace, and places his sword point theatrically over her heart] Prepare to feel, the chill of my steal! [Thrusts the sword through her heart]

;;; out for the day and Monday!



Charlie: [Cackles wickedly, pulling her sword out of Dunhilde] Who's next, you naughty things? Ready to feel my blade's sting [quietly] s?!


[AUSTIN stabs WUTENHILDE through the heart, much to her surprise.]

Wutenhilde: He got me!

Grimhilde: This is great!

Wutenhilde: No, he really got me -- they are assassins!

[The soldiers start to get up.]


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Austin : [Wiggling the sword around to finish her off] You really should rhyme, with this piratey crime! [Pulls the sword out dramatically, and leaps swashbucklingly back onto the stage. Listening theatrically] What is that, I hear from afar, it sounds like the words 'Free drinks at the bar!'.

;;;; just back for one



Grimhilde: [Grabs a sword from under her seat and swipes at Austin, knocking him to the ground] You bastards!

Alice: Come on! Grab Austin and to bar -- tin!


Clint: [Leaps up.] That's my cue! [Moves to cover the party's retreat and attacks Grimhilde.]


;;; Heather's out

Charlie: Exit stage right!

Grimhilde: [Attacking Clint, almost knocking him to the ground] They're going to the right! To the right!

;;; Drew is also out!

Jordan: [Whispers to the party] Let's go! [Heads to the left]

;;; Let's pause until Tuesday


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Austin : [Points right] To the right, in flight! [Exits stage left]



Charlie: [To the guards] You're breaking character! Hurry, [finger quotes] kill Grimhilde with your trick swords! You can still save the production!


Alice: Don't be so precious Aus, you'll be able to take someone from behind with your big chopper before too long. Now, quickly, get in behind Tam!


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Austin : [Calling from offstage] Hey! That's my line!



Darius: Right! With all our might! [Heads to the left]

Alice: But that is the right! Oh well! [Follows the others]

Grimhilde: Come on! Cut them off!

[All the guards charge to the right.]


Dur: Let's get out of here! [Tries to cast OBSCURING MIST]


Jordan: I concur, it really is a good idea to high tail it as quick as we can.


Charlie: [To Dur] Oh, dear. Please tell me that's a spell, and not another consequence of [finger quotes] Burrito Fest?

;;; Why do you people make me say these things?


Clint: [Takes advantage of the distraction to retreat to the left.] Ready... chaaaaarge! [Retreats faster.]


Alice: I thought everyone was your type, Aus!

[Exit the party, charging up the stairs, just as DUR's spell casts a huge mist at the bottom of the stairs.]

;;; End of scene, next one coming right up


Jordan: Wasn't that the idea? Isn't that where we meet Bruni with her big chopper?


Clint: That depends on if it'll get us out of here before the guards realize they're idiots. But we sure can't turn around now!


[Book IX, Act III, Scene IX. The Stairs. ALICE, AUSTIN, CHARLIE, CLINT, DUR, JORDAN, DARIUS and TAM are here, racing up the stairs.]

Alice: How are we going to escape? We're just going deeper into the inner inner sanctum, right?


Jordan: That's awfully generous of you Clint, to say they will [finger quotes] eventually [end finger quotes] realize they are idiots.

;;; Out for 30 minutes


Alice: I think they've already realized they're idiots -- they just haven't caught up with us yet! Tam, will Bruni help us escape?

Tam: I don't think she can! She only said she wants to give you something.


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Austin : [To Alice, getting in behind Tam] So forceful! You know he's not my type!



Clint: Well, let's hurry up and get our present then!


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Austin : You must have missed the charm class when you were at school Mr Scar, perhaps you could learn some from observing me.



Clint: [Childishly.] I'm sure I could, lawyer, but there are some things a man was not meant to know! [Shuddering.]


;;; Heather is out

Charlie: But how on earth will we get out of here?

[The party come to a huge metal door, which is slightly ajar.]

Tam: She's in there. This is as far as I go, you guys. [Tears up a little] It's been wonderful. I'll keep the wood burning as a memento.


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Austin : [Casually checking his nails] It has been just fabulous, take care. [Tries to slip through the door]



Tam: [Waiting for the party] Quickly! Come on!

[The guards, alas, do not try to kill GRIMHILDE.]

Grimhilde: [To Bruni] We must kill them now! [Narrows her eyes at Bruni] I know you're the softhearted one, but they must not escape.

Bruni: [Grabs an axe] You follow them, I'll go around and take them from behind with my big chopper.


Tam: [Wiping away a tear] I'm glad you know how much it means to me. I'll never forget my -- oh. Huh. They're gone. [Sigh]

[The party have all slipped in the door. This is where they were back in Book VIII, Act III. BRUNI is waiting here.]

Bruni: Shut the door, quickly, we can speak in privacy then.


Dur: [Closes the door] This reminds me of the times my mum used to lock me in the closet when I got REALLY smelly.


Alice: Ew! Did it smell this bad? [Notices she's beside Clint] Hey! Back off, Stinky!

Bruni: Have you heard of the Baceks?

;;; Yes, they have -- Jean Majeur warned them that the biggest danger facing

;;; the realms is not multiple devils rather "The Baceks".


Alice: You mean like just talking about people's body odour when someone has risked their life to give us some crucial information that we've travelled across multiple dimensions to get?


Dur: I think we have. But then, I rarely actually pay attention to the multitude of ominous warnings we get...


Bruni: Oh. I was afraid of that. I think your world is about to be destroyed.


Charlie: [To Bruni] Yes, we have! Do tell us all you know. We should be most grateful.


Clint: Not to be ungrateful, but I was hoping you'd tell us something else! How do we stop them?


Bruni: [Shrugs] Idunno.

Alice: Tam said that you had something for us.

Bruni: Oh! Yes! Of course! It's a prophecy, well, half of one, that I think will be able to help you.


Charlie: [Excited] Oh, how thrilling! [Modestly] We are quite experienced at prophecy-deciphering. Do you have it with you?


Clint: And maybe with a way out of here while you're at it?


Bruni: Sure thing! [Holds out a small wooden box] There's a scroll in there, but it'll take a lot of translating, I'm afraid. Now, to get out of here, just go back out the door you came in, and back down the stairs, so that --

Alice: You mean, back down to the stage? Using the stairs that a bunch of angry, naked soldiers are charging up?

Bruni: Oh. You mean they didn't fall for your clever exit stage right trick?


Clint: Well, yeah, but they've got to unfall for it eventually, don't they? [Takes the box and hands it to Charlie.] Anyway, thanks for your help!


Dur: Maybe if we are quick enough, we can escape before they find us?


Charlie: [Takes the box eagerly] How marvelous! Let us find a quiet place to study this at once!


Clint: [Heading for the exit.] Let's worry about that once we get home!


Alice: Don't worry, Stinky. We won't have to study it. Only the geeks!

[ALICE opens the door and immediately shuts it.]

Alice; Uh oh! Soldiers. Lots of them. Most naked. Some aroused.


Charlie: [To Bruni] Could you send them away, perhaps? Is there a way out of here?


Clint: Maybe you could try telling those naked freaks that we've already left, but they can catch us if they hurry? And put some clothes on?


Darius: I just happen to have an orb to transport us back.

Bruni: I can't stop them, but I can hold them off. It's the least I can do.

[There are two other doors in the room, one in the opposite wall, and another, very thick metal door, which clearly leads deeper into the inner sanctum.]

Bruni: [Points to the opposite wall] Go out that way and use your orb there. Whatever you do, don't go deeper into the inner sanctum, as you have to all the way into the centre to be able to use magic. [Gives them a broad smile] Make good use of that prophecy! [Exits]

Darius: [Tosses the orb to Clint] You go. I'll help her. [Exits after Bruni]


Clint: [Takes the orb, pleased.] Haw! I get to drive, for once! C'mon, guys, let's get out of here! [Heads for the correct door.]


Jordan: [Heading for the door] You know, we should have asked her before she left if she had any idea where the other half of the prophecy was.


Alice: I think WE had it! Remember, Phili said that we'd only seen half of the Prophecy when Jerome killed him?

[CLINT opens the door only to see that there are dozens of naked soldiers out there. All wielding what everyone hopes are huge clubs.]


Jordan: [Sarcastically] Newcomersaysno! How can I remember something I wasn't there for Barbie?


Clint: Uh, hi there! [Slams the door shut.]


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Austin : [Sighs] Does this mean that we have to go to the inner sanctum? [Gestures to the floor] Or can we just use that orb here?



Alice: Yeesh, Jordan, you're not the only person in the party, you know? [To Austin] Good idea! I mean, what's the worst that could happen?

;;; Tom's asleep, I'm sure!

Clint: Here we go! [Drops the orb on the ground and it ricochets wildly around the place, zinging back and forth off the ground and walls before smacking Alice in the face]

Alice: Ow!

[The orb is finally at rest.]


Charlie: [Hopefully] I think they usually work anywhere, don't they?


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Austin : [Picks up the orb] Inner sanctum it is then. Mr Scar, would you care to lead the way [Gestures to the heavy metal door that leads inwards]



[CLINT obliges, and pushes the door open. It leads to a wide metal corridor into which the party enter and cautiously walk through, until eventually coming to a wall, that has twenty eight large panels on it, each with a different colour. There is red and yellow and green and brown and scarlet and black and ochre and peach And ruby and olive and violet and fawn And lilac and gold and chocolate and mauve And cream and crimson and silver and rose And azure and lemon and russet and grey And purple and white and pink and orange And Blue.]

Alice: Aw, crap. What now?

;;; By an amazing coincidence, these are the same colours on the "coat

;;; of many leathers" that Jerome bought for Alice back in Book I, Act IX

;;; Scene IV, which was so striking that there was even a song

;;; about it: http://www.queens-view.com/Scripts/1.9/01.09.04.html#song


[Bzzzzzt! CLINT is flung back against the far wall.]

;;; Lose 40hp Clint!

Alice: Stinky! Are you okay?


Charlie: [Scolds Clint] Why choose black, which everyone knows is the color of death?! [Takes a pencil out of her knapsack and gingerly presses green with it]


Clint: [Groaning in pain.] Don't touch the panels!


Clint: Uh... we turn around and fight our way out? [Experimentally reaches out to touch the black panel.]


[Bzzzt! CHARLIE is thrown back from the panel with the same force as CLINT, although somewhat protected from a direct touch of the panel.]

;;; Lose 30hp Charlie

Alice: [Desperately] Will people please stop getting electrocuted? Let's think for a moment. Surely at some time we've been given a clue about this?


Dur: Oh, if only we had taken notes throughout our long and arduous journeys!


Alice: It would be perf! Although, if Bruni thought we were going to go out the other door, she probably wouldn't have given us a clue about which colour to go for.


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Austin : This colour scheme is really quite tragic, but I have seen it somewhere before, I think.



Alice: I don't know, Aus, I think they're super cool. Just like that jacket that Jer- er, just like a jacket I once had.


Charlie: Hmm, did he have a favorite color?


Alice: Who? Bruni? I think she's a she!


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Austin : I think she means Trindle. [Smikrs] Yes, now I remember, it was a really terrible colour scheme for a jacket. [Ponders] But the leather was of very good quality. So, perhaps this puzzle was made by Trindle, and only Alice can unlock it?



Clint: I bet his favorite color is black!


Alice: I think it's more likely that Bruni made the puzzle, after all, she doesn't meet Jerome until some time in the future for her, right?


Alice: [Exasperated] Fine! Try pressing black again, Clint!


Jordan: So you all know Bruni in the future? [Looks at the panels] Hmm, i wonder [takes out a pencil and throws it at one of the panels at random] .


Alice: It's the future to her but the past to us. And for Darius, too. The first time we met Bruni was at their wedding.

[The pencil just bounces harmlessly off the blue panel, but clearly didn't have enough force to push it in.]


Dur: I remember that... sort of! Did they have a color theme at their wedding?


Jordan: Hmmmm. [Grins suddenly] Hey Alice, the blue one doesn't seem to electrocute, come and hit it for me would you? Be my beautiful assistant?


Alice: [Gives Jordan a whithering look] Sorry, Newcomersaysno, it'll be a long time before I forgive your meanness. I'm officially not speaking to you any more. [To Dur] Hey! They did, everything was yellow, and Darius even sang "Buttercup" at their wedding. In fact, isn't Buttercup his pet name for her? [Gives Jordan a big smile] Yay! I think we got it, Jordie!


Charlie: [Delighted] Oh, that's right! [Looks for the "buttercuppiest" yellow and presses it with her pencil]


Clint: [Winces sympathetically.]


[There's an audible clicking sound, and the entire wall swings back, opening into another room.]

Alice: Oh! I just had a great idea! Wouldn't it be really funny if [lowers her voice, talking to the party members other than Charlie] if someone went "bzzzt"! when she pressed the thing? Will we get her [chortles as she looks at Charlie for a moment] get her to do it again?


Clint: Good going, Chuck! Dare you to try it again!


Jordan: [Gets ready to do the loudest buzz noise he can when she does it again]


Alice: Oh man, this is going to be the funniest jape in history!


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Austin : [Deadpan] Totes hilar.



Charlie: [Obliviously] But if I did press it again, wouldn't it simply shut the door again? And have we time for such experimentation? [Growing excited] And, if so, do let us take a moment to look at the prophecy!


Jordan: [Clapping his hands excitedly] Do it again, do it again!

;;; Think Dru from Buffy. Tried to find a link for it but having no luck.


Alice: Oh, do be serious, Charlie! There are a thousand naked angry soldiers outside who want to kill us. We don't have time to read prophecies! Now, let's shut the door so we can all pretend you get a shock. It'll be ... wait for it ... surprisingly -- gah! -- I mean, shockingly funny!


Charlie: [Briskly] Well, if we have time for THAT, we have time to sneak a peek at the prophecy. [Sighs] But I suppose we have time for neither. Let us make our escape! [Heads out the newly opened door]


t us make our escape! [Heads out the >newly opened door]

Dur: [As loudly as he can] BZZZZZZZZZZ! Did it work?


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Austin : [Follows Charlie. To the others] Come on, lets get out of this awful place! [Grimaces at the colour scheme]



Alice: [Almost leaping out of her skin] Holy CRAP! Dur! That's not funny! Honestly, what is wrong with you? Why would you do that? I could have been killed!


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Austin : [Giggling] You had better watch out in case he does it again. [Looks around the new room]



[This is a luxurious looking sitting room, with multiple large metal panels in several walls, that look as though they could slide open. Meanwhile, outside, the party can hear the sound of a crowd approaching. They don't sound happy.]


Charlie: [Tries one of the metal panels] Could we use the orb here, I wonder?


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Austin : [Looking around for exits, looking at the shape of the room] Do you think that this is the inner sanctum?

;;;; did we close the door behind us?



Clint: Bruni kind of implied it would be a ways inn, didn't she? On the bright side, hopefully some of those naked freaks will fry themselves on the wall in there!


[The door did shut behind them.]

Alice: Maybe this is the Inner Sanctum and we can use the orb here?


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Austin : Very well. [Throws the orb at the floor in the middle of the party]



[The orb bursts open, and a shimmering pool appears.]

Alice: Yay!


Charlie: Splendid! Now, follow me, group! [Steps into the pool]


Clint: Haw! Let's get the flock out of here! [Follows Heather.]

;;; Out for the morning, I fear. Taking a friend to pick up his car

from shop.


Alice: [Just as Clint approaches the pool] Bzzzzt!

[CLINT doesn't even seem to notice and is gone, but ALICE almost collapses with laughter.]

Alice: Oh my good heck! Did you see his face? He almost lost his life!


Dur: Mine was funnier! [Dives in]


Alice: [Scowls] No! Hey! It certainly wasn't funnier than my - [dives in]

[The rest of the party leap in, just as the door slides open and dozens of naked soldiers race in.]

;;; End of scene, next one coming right up


[Book IX, Act III, Scene X. The Portal. ALICE, AUSTIN, CHARLIE, CLINT, DUR and JORDAN are here, having just appeared. Also here is LANNISTER, bearing the signs of a battle.]

Alice: -one, which even Austin set was totes hilar! [Spots Lannister] What's going on?

Lannister: We're under attack! I have an orb to get you back to your own time, you better use it immediately!


Charlie: Thank you, but we won't leave while you need our help! Who has attacked?


Jordan: Surely having several extra sets of hands makes more sense than sending your back up home man!


Lannister: Alas, my brave, if overfed friend, this is a one man job. This is not your time, you must all return.

;;; No posts from me tomorrow (Monday)


Jordan: If you insist Lannister, try not to die, there's a good chap. [To the party] Come along then gang, we have to get home and save the realm from the Baceks! Sally third, and all that!

;;; Out all day (Tuesday)


Lannister: Indeed I do! Gertrude gave me a device to send you back, but she warned me that you can only take things with you that belong in your own time.


Jordan: [Frustrated] Balls! Charlie better write up the half-prophecy in your note pad, what it is on now doesn't belong in our time. And we have a bigger problem [looks at his clothes and the others] we're going to emerge naked. Our clothes are still in the other dimension.

;;; Technically, that does make 3 from me, though not all in the same

day, if you look at the posts 3-7.

;;; Still got about 2 and a half hours before I'm out for the day though.

;;; Or does the 3 rule only take effect if it is all on the same day Conor?


Lannister: You've got no time for copying things! We need to figure out how I can get it to you!

;;; No, you're right, it would count in this case!


Dur: Perhaps you could bury it exactly where you open the portal? Then whenwe get back to our time we could just dig it up?


Alice: [Looks at Dur, astonished] That's... that's actually a really good idea, Dur!


Charlie: [Fretfully] I suppose, though I would prefer to copy it first! How can we know it will be safe?


Lannister: There's no time! [Points to a huge, flat rock] There, put it under there!


Charlie: [Shrieks] Yes, Grandfather! [Hurriedly tucks the prophecy under the rock]


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Austin : Excellent, let's get going then. As nothing from this time will come with us, I expect that this will be the closest thing to a bath that Mr Scar has ever experienced.



Alice: Ah, but you underestimate how much dirt and filth he brought back from our own time with him!

[LANNISTER lobs an orb onto the ground.]

Lannister: Now quickly, before those crazed monks get in here!


Clint: Get going, guys, and see you on the other side! [Gets in his usual position to cover the party's retreat.] Lannister, good luck.


Charlie: [Races into the orby swirl] Goodbye, Grandfather! You're just as dashing as I knew you would be!


Alice: You don't have to tell me twice. [Stands there motionless]

Jordan: Hurry up, Alice! [Leaps into the swirling pool that appears where the orb hit the ground]

Alice: Huh. I guess you do!


Lannister: And you're just as attractive as your grandmother! [Smiles, but then looks a little guilty] Uh, did that sound a little more child molestery than I meant it to?

Alice: That depends, how child molestery did you want it to sound?

Lannister: Not at all.

Alice: Then yes, it sounded a lot more child molestery.

Lannister: Then tell her that what I meant to say was that her grandmother looks way sexier than she does, especially naked, because I love seeing her naked. Although, I haven't seen Charlie naked yet, so, it's not like I'm comparing them or anything.

Alice: Got it. You want to see Charlie naked. Check.

[Leaps into the swirly pool.]

Lannister: Sonofa!

[The others soon follow ALICE.]

;;; End of Book IX, Act III. Next one coming in right away


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Austin : [To Lannister, pausing beside the portal] Who or what is or are the Bacsecks?