[Book IX, Act I, Scene I. The Dark Cave. ERNIE BROWN, a sixty-something security guard is here, searching around. He finally locates a torch and lights it up. The cave is about 20' square and has five chests. There is one path leading out.]

Ernie: [Petrified] Oh my good heck. What is happening here?

[There's a flash of light. Enter GILL GREEN, a six foot six inch long haired guy with his pants down around his ankles.]

Ernie: Oh my good HECK! [Takes some pills]

<P><http://queens-view.com:83/wiki/index.php/Ernie_Brown>Ernie Brown</A> <P><A href=http://queens-view.com:83/wiki/index.php/Gill_Green>Gill Green</A>

01.01.002

Gill: Dude, don't bogart the pills! Save some for me. [Giggles] Dude, you look like some middle-aged dork. What happened to you?

01.01.003

Ernie: Well... I ... I don't know what you mean! [Shields his eyes from Gill's crotch] Uh, you wanna pull up those pants, sir?

[There's another flash of light. Enter CAROLINE BLACK, a woman in her late thirties wearing a bride gown.]

01.01.004

Gill: Woooo! Now we got a party! [To Caroline, attempting to put an arm around her as he addresses her] Hey, baby, where are the other groupies?

01.01.005

Ernie: Sir! Please! Put your pants on and leave the bride alone!

01.01.006

Caroline: [Pulling away] What's going on? Who are you people?

[Another flash of light, and TOBY WHITE, a depressed looking teenager, appears.]

01.01.007

Toby: [Looks around and looks even more depressed] Where's my poetry book gone? [Sees Gill with his pants down] I'm going to die.

01.01.008

Ernie: Easy son, no one's going to die! [To Gill, slowly] Why don't you put the penis away?

01.01.009

Toby: We're not? [Seems to get even more depressed] There goes my apathetic mood. Now I'm really depressed

01.01.010

Harvey: Oh, some people! Just be glad you have friends for company.

01.01.010


;;; Let's ignore the other 1.1.10!

Ernie: Chin up, son, er, maybe something awful is going to happen to us?

01.01.011

Toby: [Sullenly] I'm not your son


;;; That's my 3

01.01.012

Gill: [Suddenly alert] He's not mine, either! You can't prove it! [Idly goes to fiddle with his crotch and then giggles] Oh, right! [Pulls up his pants] Hey, where'd that other groupie go? The one I was giving the best night of her life, just a second ago?

01.01.013

Toby: Groupie? [Looks at Gill with disgust] I suppose you think you are some musician? You're nothing like My Chemistry Romantic's. [Searches his pockets for some tobacco to smoke] Now I'm all stressed and need to calm down before I start cutting myself, again.

01.01.014

Ernie: [Raising his voice] Calm down, okay? Everyone needs to just CALM DOWN!

01.01.015

Gill: Hell yeah, I'm a musician! And we don't need to calm down, we need to PARTY DOWN! [Throws an arm around Toby's neck] Come on, you sad little freak. I'm gonna show you how to live! [Bellows] ROCK AND ROLL!!! [Staggers and then vomits all over Ernie]

01.01.015

Caroline: Especially you! I need a drink.

01.01.016

Ernie: [Horrified] What in the good heck is wrong with you? [Takes some more pills]

01.01.017

Toby: [Lazily tries to shrug Gill off just before he vomits] I'd rather slit my own throat after cutting my wrists open. Then go all stabby rip stab stab on my heart [continues searching pockets for tobacco] than rock and roll. You won't catch me jumping around at shows.

01.01.018

Ernie: [Trying to wipe the puke off himself] What is wrong with you people?

[Another flash of light. A nervous looking woman, SALLY PLUM, appears.]

01.01.019

Toby: [Finds the tobacco and lights up a smoke] oh god [seeing the flash of light] Sally Plum, that's all I need.

01.01.019

Gill: [Wipes the puke from his mouth with the back of his hand. Offers Sally his hand] Hey, baby! Were you the one who's daughter I was giving it to just a minute ago?

01.01.020

Caroline: [Looks Sally up and down in disgust] Oh, look who it is!

01.01.021

Sally : [Blushes at Gill's comment] Oh Gosh! [Laughs nervously] Neaaaah!

01.01.022

Ernie: Wait a minute! Do you people know each other?

01.01.023

Toby: [To Caroline] You know Sally too? [Continues to smoke] I know Sally [points to her] she's my mothers friend.

01.01.024

Gill: [Confused] Hey, how'd you guys get backstage, anyway? And where's the young, good-looking groupies?

01.01.025

Ernie: Look, sonny, we're not backstage, we're in some creepy cave! I don't know what sort of filthy cheese you've been taking, but sober up!

01.01.026

Gill: [Groans] Oh, duuuude! You're HARMA, right? Man, you guys really know how to harsh my buzz!

01.01.026

Sally : [To Ernie] Are you a member of HARMA? [Laughs nervously] Naaaahaha! Ever such nice people! [Glances at the other to see if they approve, avoiding Gill]

01.01.027

Ernie: No, I'm not! [Turns away] They're entrance exam is really, really hard!

01.01.028

Caroline: And whose idea was it to invite the horse? I blame the drunk! Now, where did I put my drink?

01.01.028

Toby: {Sulkily] Pity, I would have had to kill myself if you were. Might kill myself anyway, just because you deprived me an excuse to kill myself. We're all going to die in here, there's no way out [hasn't even looked to see if there is]

01.01.029

Ernie: What horse? Look, we need to figure out what the heck is going on!

01.01.030

Toby: Probably a HARMA experiment of come kind [finishes the tobacco] ugh, I need my favorite crayon, has anyone seen it?

01.01.030

Sally : [To Ernie] Oh well, perhaps you could re-sit the HARMA entrance exam, they are terribly nice people, after all. [Glances at the others, swallowing nervously. Looks around the cave sheepishly]

01.01.031

Sally : [Nervous laughter] Naaaaah! [Glances at the others] Perhaps we should look in these boxes? Perhaps?

01.01.032

Gill: Good idea, babe! I'll bet it's our costumes for the gig! [Goes to open one of the chests]

01.01.033

Ernie: Great idea!

[Before GILL gets to the chest, there's another burst of light. Enter DONY GREEN, a sleazy looking man in a cheap suit.]

01.01.034

Dony: What tha' frack! [Pulls out a switchblade while looking around] Not ones a you moves, gots it! Nots til I get somes answers!


;;; That's how gangsters talk right? :p

01.01.035


;;; Sure!

Ernie: [Holds his hands up] Please! No! I've got a heart condition!

01.01.036

Caroline: Oh, is that what you call it? [To Dony] Please, kill me, it will be the highlight of my day.

01.01.037

Ernie: The Second National Bank in Apraxia! You come for the interest we pay on your money, but you stay for the interest we show in you!

01.01.036

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01.01.037

Ernie: I don't know, that depends on who the daughter is!


;;; Gone for the day!

01.01.038

Sally : [Goes to the nearest chest and tries to open it]

01.01.039

Toby: [Looks disinterested in the chests, too busy looking for his crayon]


;;; Gone for rest of the day too

01.01.040

[Another flash of light. Enter ARCHIBALD SCARLET, a somewhat creepy looking guy in his late forties. SALLY opens the chest. Kaboom! A hail of darts fly out and strike her.]

Ernie: Oh my good heck! [Runs to Sally] She's dead!

01.01.041

Archibald: Ernie? What in the devil is going on here?


;;; Was just checking up on email before lights out, figured I ought

to say hi!

01.01.042

Ernie: Mr. Scarlet! I don't know! We all just appeared here, and this poor lady, she's dead!

01.01.043

Archie : [Checks Sally's pulse, then looks at the chest she tried to open, without touching it.] Hmm, it looks like we had better get to the bottom of this, and quickly. [Keenly, to the others] What have you deduced so far?

01.01.044

Ernie: Nothing! They've just stood around and done nothing! [To the others] Mr. Scarlet will sort this out! He'll figure out why we're all here!

01.01.044

Toby: [In a rather depressed tone] We're all going to die

01.01.045

Archie : [Annoyed at Toby] I'll kill you myself if you don't mend your attitude boy! Look for clues, evidence! [Scouts around the cave]


;;; So there are 5 chests? 1 exit? Do we find anything else?

01.01.045

Caroline: [Gloomily] Well at least it's more likely to happen sooner than later! I hate waiting.

01.01.046

Ernie: Look! Let's try and figure out what's going on here. There has to be some reason we're all here. I'm Ernie Brown, security guard at the Second National Bank in Apraxia. This fine gentleman here is Archibald Scarlet, one of our senior people there.

01.01.047

Toby: Well, I'm Toby White. Teenager. I was reading poetry before ending up here. HARMA are a bunch of dicks. This is a twisted social experiment by them. Sally was my moms friend. [Looks down at his hands] Man, I think I chipped a nail, I'm so totally screwed [seriously depressed tone] we're all gonna die down here man, no one even knows where we are. They already killed Sally.

01.01.047

Gill: I'm Gill, and I'm a rock and roll GOD! [Plays air guitar elaborately]

01.01.048

Ernie: Someone stole your guitar. [To Toby] And where are you from?

01.01.049

Caroline: He's my friends son. [Mouths silently, pointing to her head making the "crazy" sign] He's a few apples short of a fruit basket.

01.01.050

Archie : [To Ernie] Thank you Ernie, excellent work. Now, can everyone have a search around, and don't touch those dam chests just yet!


;;;; did he find anything - are there exits? I can't remember

01.01.051

Gill: [Dazed] But why are all of you here in [glances at his hand and then shrieks] DEMENTIA ARE YOU READY TO ROCK?!

01.01.052

Toby: [To Ernie condescendingly] Apraxia, obviously!

01.01.053

Archie : [To Toby, cautiously] Did you forget to take your medication? [To the others] Does anyone know what his prescription is?

01.01.053

Ernie: So... we're all from Apraxia, except this idiot? [Points at Gill]

01.01.054

Gill: [Snorts] Dude, you are so establishment with all your labels! Rock and Roll has no boundaries. That's the whole point. Who's the idiot now?! Now, I want some of whatever she took [points at Sally] so we can get this party started! [More elaborate air guitar, punctuated by miming breaking the imaginary guitar over Ernie's head]

01.01.055

Archie : [Furious at Gill ] You mind your tongue young man or I'll teach you to mind it! [Wipes some blood off his fist in preparation] Why don't you show us how 'free' you are by opening one of those chests?

01.01.056

Gill: [Eyes light up] Ooooh, I get it. The chest is your mind, and if you open it, you're like, free from The Man's rules. Deep. [Nods sagely]

01.01.057

Ernie: [Steps back behind another chest] Sure!

01.01.058

Archie : [To Gill] Why don't you should us some of that Rock and Roll spirit! [Gestures to a Chest]

01.01.059

Gill: Huh? My mind is already wide open, dude! [Looks at the others] Ooooh, to show THEM the way! I get it. Man, you are like my GURU. [Cluelessly goes to open a chest]

01.01.060

[Blam! GILL gets a hail of bolts that knocks him to the ground. Dead.]

Ernie: Oh my God! What's going on here? [To Archibald] You've got to get us out of here, or we're all gonna die!

01.01.061

Archie : [Checks Gill for a pulse. Business] Whoever set this up is going to pay, big time!


;;;; searches round - are there exits? Did I miss a post?

01.01.062

Caroline: We should probably stop opening chests, at least.

01.01.063


;;; Yes! There's one exit

[Another flash. Enter DR. NICOLA REMINGTON-HUGHES, a middle aged woman.]

Ernie: Oh god! What is going on here?

01.01.064

Nikki: What the hell?! [Looks around] Who are you people?

01.01.065

Ernie: We're trying to figure out why we're here -- we all seem to be from Apraxia. [Points to Gill] Except him.


;;; Out for 1.5 hours

01.01.066

Archie : [To Nikki] We all appeared here just as you did. I advise you not to open any of those chests. [Goes over to check the exit and see where it goes]

01.01.066

Nikki: [Studies Gill a moment and then nudges him with her shoe] I see. And will you also kill ME if I say I'm not from Apraxia?

01.01.067

Ernie: That depends on where you are from. [Coughs] I mean, no! Of course not!

01.01.068

Archie : [Roars with Laughter] Ernie! You are such a hoot! [To Nikki, pointing to the corpses] Those two died by trying to open one of the chests, as far as I know. Did you see what happened to Sally, Ernie, was it the same thing?

01.01.068

Nikki: [Shrugs] Well, I live in Apraxia, anyway. I'm on the faculty of Harbridge College. [Looks around] Oh, is THAT what this is? Some kind of college prank?

01.01.069

Ernie: I went to the University of Life, and the School of Hard Knocks! [To Archie] Yes sir! Although, they did actually get them open!

01.01.070

Nikki: [To Ernie] That's the spirit! [Digs into her pocket] Here, I'll give you a copper piece if you'll go check the chests that were opened.

01.01.070

Archie : [Looks into the chests carefully without touching anything] To Nikki, this is not like any college prank I have ever seen, some one is clearly trying to get us all killed.

01.01.071

Ernie: Golly gee whizz! A whole copper piece? Wait until I tell Smily Jim that he will get his leg operation after all. Hurrah! Phili bless us, every one! [Scowls at Nikki and pockets the copper piece]

[ARCHIE peers into the chest. It is full of weapons and armour.]

01.01.072

Nikki: Interesting! Are we being tested, perhaps? Challenged to battle? [Goes to dig through the chest]

01.01.073

Caroline: Or it could be a test to see if we steal the contents of that chest?

01.01.074

Toby: Or maybe it's all a test. Maybe there's something really gruesome down here and that's to protect ourselves with. Or kill ourselves with to avoid the gruesome and grizzly death that awaits us

01.01.075

Ernie: [Grabs a hefty sword and fixes the others with a steely gaze] Whatever it is, I'm going into it with this huge sword. [Swings it around, realizes it's too heavy, and then puts it back and takes another] Whatever it is, I'm going into it with THIS huge sword!

01.01.076

Archie : [Takes a suitable sword from the chest, and armor if there is some, and a backup dagger] That's the spirit Ernie! Let's get these bastards, whoever they are! [Takes a look in the other chest]

01.01.077

Harvey: [Gingerly picks up a dagger between finger and thumb] Oh, this is going to end badly.

01.01.078


;;; Not Harvey, but Caroline!

Ernie: But who would do this to us? Someone from Apraxia, I guess?

01.01.078


;;; Doh! Only one cup of coffee... :(

01.01.079

Nikki: [Takes a short sword and a crazy-looking helmet] It must be something to do with HARMA. No doubt we've all broken some new law!

01.01.080

Archie : It's never a bad time to slice up some HARMA. [Does a practice swing. Then goes and looks out of the exit]

01.01.081

Nikki: [Puts on the crazy helmet and lights a cigarette. Puffing away] Right! I'm ready. [Follows Archie]

01.01.082

[Everyone grabs some armour and weapons and head out.]

Ernie: [Holding up a massively sharp sword] You shouldn't smoke. It's dangerous.

[Exit ALL.]

01.02.001

[Book IX, Act I, Scene II. The Passageway. ARCHIBALD SCARLET, ERNIE BROWN, CAROLINE BLACK, TOBY WHITE, DONY GREEN and NICOLA REMINGTON-HUGHES are here, slowly advancing along.]

Ernie: Who would have done this? It's hardly HARMA's style, is it?

01.02.002

Nikki: True, it does seem rather subtle for HARMA. [Puffs thoughtfully] Were all of you actually in Apraxia when you suddenly found yourself here? Maybe we were just all in the right--or wrong--place at the right time? [Gestures to herself] I was in my office at the college, working on a presentation. Were any of you near Harbridge before you found yourself here, by any chance?

01.02.003

Ernie: Not me, I was busy [dramatically] fighting crime!

01.02.004

Archie : [Matter of factly] I was doing my accounts.

01.02.005

Nikki: [Shrugs] Well, what else do we have in common, then? [Looks over the group skeptically] Nothing obvious comes to mind, I must say!

01.02.006

Ernie: But we're all from or live in Apraxia? Surely the connection comes from there too?

01.02.007

[Another flash of light. Enter WALTER GREY, a man in his fifties, who's covered in blood.]

01.02.008

Archie : [Takes a defensive position] Hold your fire! [To Walter] Who are you? Where are your from?

01.02.009

Walter: I bet he's one of them!

01.02.010

Archie : You bet who is one of what?

01.02.011

Walter: You know, them!

01.02.012

Archie : No, I don't know who you are talking about. Do you mean HARMA?


;;;; awa to India for 2 weeks :)

01.02.013

Nikki: [To Walter] You'd better calm down. None of us is sure who to trust, so this is no time to behave irrationally. Now, who are you?


;;; Cool, have a great time!

01.02.014

Toby: For all any of us know, all of the rest of us are one of [finger quotes] them. We're all going to die horribly and painfully down here. It's going to be bloody and gruesome and undignified. I should write a poem about it.


;;; Woo! Have a good time.

01.02.015

Ernie: You know, them! Whoever put us here! You just know they're sinister weirdoes!

01.02.016

Walter: [Giving Ernie a kind of creepily appreciative smile.] That's right! I'm Walter, by the way. Walter Grey.

01.02.017

Toby: I'm Toby White. Hey, anyone else notice that most of us have colours for our last names? [Sulkily] Maybe HARMA outlawed people being allowed to have colours as a name and now we have to die.

01.02.018

Walter: [Angrily.] That's the kind of thing they'd do! Well, Walter Grey isn't dying for their sick amusement, no sir!


;;; By the way, have a great trip, Dom!

01.02.019

Nikki: Well, MY last name is Remington-Hughes, so there's nothing color-related between us. [Muses] Though we all seem to hate HARMA, so there is that!

01.02.020

Ernie: I don't hate HARMA, I think they're just gear! Sure, they might be a little over the top, but at least they're hearts are in the right places.

01.02.021

Walter: [Smiling, a little lasciviously.] Well, not *all* of them. Some of their hearts are somewhere else entirely!

01.02.022

Archie : Unfortunately their heads are not it the right places. [To Walter] Why are you coverd in blood?


;;;; thanks! Don't let Conor kill you before I get back :)

01.02.023

Walter: [Disturbing grin.] I'm a butcher by trade, and the last thing I remember, I was at work!

01.02.024

Ernie: Where?


;;; I assume Tom is in bed, apologies if not!

Walter: Apraxia.

01.02.025

Nikki: Interesting! But didn't you say that hairy dead man wasn't from Apraxia? Is he the only exception?

01.02.026

Archie: Yeah. So whoever brought us here has to have a connection with Apraxia.

01.02.027

Nikki: Have we all made the same person angry, perhaps?

01.02.028

Caroline: [Confused] But who do we all have in common? I recognise a few people here but the rest of you are complete strangers!

01.02.029

Ernie: I'm the same! I don't recognize all of you, and as a security guard, I have no enemies, nothing but the respect of everyone I come in contact with.

Archie: It has to be someone from Apraxia.

01.02.030

Nikki: My life centers around the college. Do any of you know anyone on the faculty or staff at Harbridge? Or perhaps a student?

01.02.031

Ernie: Some of the people who do business at the bank work there. Maybe that's a connection?

01.02.032

Caroline: [To Nikki] I've been to Harbridge. I sometimes donate to the Cryptozoology department, you know.

01.02.032

Nikki: [Nods] That makes sense. Whoever did this must have deep pockets! [Lights another cigarette and puffs away. To the others] How about the rest of you? Do you have a connection to the bank?

01.02.033

Archie: I sometimes work there, although I do have other, [sinister smile] business interests.

01.02.034

Nikki: [To Archie, warily] You're not behind all of this, are you? You have the demeanor of a criminal mastermind, I must say!

01.02.035

Archie: I'll take that as a compliment, but alas, no, I am no mastermind.

[A terrible growling comes from up around a corner.]

01.02.036

Nikki: [Jumps, startled] What the hell is that?!

01.02.037

Toby: Sorry about that, my stomach is a ventriloquist. [Still looks terrified though] But no, I've got no connection the Harbridge or the bank.

01.02.038

Ernie: Yes, but you're a child! Maybe your parents do?

01.02.039

Nikki: Yes, it's the only explanation so far that makes sense. It would take someone with enormous resources to [waves her hands vaguely] conjure people out of all these different locations!

01.02.040

Last from Heather 39

Toby: Well I suppose my idiotic father who can't tell the difference between dark gray and black being the bank manager would count then. As well as my mother being a lecturer of Cryptozoology at Harbridge.

01.02.040

Walter: But why would they do this and then leave us alone down here? Just to tease us, do you think?

01.02.041

Ernie: Oh! So YOU'RE Toby. Huh, I guess I imagined you, uh, gayer. [To Walter] Whatever is coming from around that corner sounds like more than a tease!

01.02.042

Walter: [To Toby.] You're so interested in death and despair, maybe you should go see what it is!


;;; I assume Walter is unarmed and the rest of the party is ready to... well,

;;; hide behind Toby?

01.02.043

Toby: Sure! Just send the not gay enough bank managers son who is convinced we're all going to die in front [sulks ad leads the way]

01.02.044

Caroline: Well, at least we're all on the same page.

01.02.045

Ernie: Yeah. This ought to be good.

[Enter THE LIZARD, a huge, scary looking alligator type monster that makes a disgusting screaming sound. It immediately bites TOBY's head off, spraying the rest of the group with blood. Everyone screams in shock and fear.]

Ernie: We're all gonna die!

01.02.046

Walter: [Glances at Toby's corpse indifferently.] Not if someone with a weapon kills it first!

01.02.047

Toby: [Throws his sword to Walter] Go on!

01.02.048

Archibald: [Snatches the sword from Ernie he was handing to Walter] Thanks Ern! [Lunges on the lizard] Charge! [Attacks excitedly]

01.02.049

[ARCHIBALD slashes into the lizard, causing it to scream deafeningly in pain. It staggers back, badly injured.]

Ernie: [To the others] Don't just stand there! Help him!

01.02.050

Caroline: Well, wasn't a very nice person, was he?

01.02.051

Ernie: No, he wasn't, but the rest of us are really nice, so help kill that monster!

01.02.052

Nikki: [Rushes to attack the lizard, hanging onto her helmet awkwardly] Die, you wretch!

01.02.052

Archibald: [Follows the lizard, continuing to attack] Action at last! It's likely a pet of HARMA!

01.02.053

Walter: Well, in that case...

01.02.054

[NIKKI and ARCHIBALD strike the lizard, causing it to howl in agony. It snaps back at ARCHIBALD, just missing him.]

01.02.055

Walter: Here, let me help you with that... [Attacks the lizard, still with his disturbing grin in place.]

01.02.056

[WALTER slashes into the lizard's head, killing it.]

Ernie: Yay! We did it! Whoo! [Steps up and kicks the dead lizard] In your face!


;;; No posting today or tomorrow on account of Thanksgiving!

01.02.057

[There's another fierce growling sound from up ahead.]

Ernie: [Hiding behind the others] Oh no! We're all gonna die! You shouldn't have killed this one, you fools! I told you not to!

01.02.058

Nikki: Come on, we have to keep fighting! There has to be a way out of here.

01.02.059


;;; Drew is out this week

Archibald: Well said! Come on, let's find out who the hell put us here!

[Advances cautiously and peers around the next corner.]

Archibald: Same thing again. Let's get it!

01.02.060

Caroline: How many of these things are there? Maybe we could reason with it?

01.02.061

Nikki: [Skeptically] Give it a shot, but keep a sword handy!

01.02.061


;;;Sorry everyone. I was out last week for a funeral. Back now.

-----Original Message----- Sent: Monday, November 26, 2012 8:03 AM To: John Ludlow Cc: Conor Ryan; Tom Henderson; Marc-Andrew Hunnam Nicholas; Tom Henderson; dom; Day, Kevin R. (Las Colinas) NA; qvblogger@gmail.com

Nikki: [Skeptically] Give it a shot, but keep a sword handy!

01.02.062

Ernie: Good idea! I'm a security guard. I'm used to dealing with difficult customers. Excuse me, Mr. Monster!

[The LIZARD jumps on ERNIE and savages him.]


;;; Hope everything's okay, Kevin

01.02.063

Walter: [Strangely upset.] Now look what you've made me do! [Attacks the lizard.]

01.02.064

Caroline: [Looks at Ernie's with a decidedly queasy expression] Oh, dear! [Hopefully] Perhaps he just doesn't like being called 'Mr Monster'?

01.02.065

Nikki: [Shrieks] What the hell?! We have to kill this damn thing, come on! [Attacks the lizard frantically]

01.02.066

[The LIZARD viciously shakes ERNIE around as the others attack it, before long, it lies dead. ERNIE lies very still.]

Archibald: What the hell is going on here?

01.02.067

Walter: It killed Ernie! The bastard!

01.02.068

Nikki: [Shaking, trying not to look at Ernie] What is this?! I say let's get the hell out of here before any more of us die!

01.02.069

Caroline: Quite right - we really should be going. [Looks along the passageway to see if she can see a way out]

01.02.070

[There is another flash of light further up the corridor, although it is around the corner.]

Archibald: I'm gonna kill whatever that is!

01.02.071

Walter: [Busily searching Ernie's body for anything useful.] Give us a moment and I'll help!

01.02.072

Caroline: What if it's rescuers?

01.02.073

Nikki: [To Caroline] Good point! [To Archibald] Hold back a minute. Maybe we could all hide and try to gain some sort of tactical advantage? If it's more lizards, we attack. If it's people, we try to talk!

01.02.074

[ERNIE has a few GP, but nothing of any particular interest.]

Archibald: Okay, let's move back, but be ready.

[Every backs off.]

Archibald: Huh. Now we can't see anything!

01.02.075

Nikki: All right, let's approach. Carefully! [Starts walking toward the light, trembling]

01.02.076

[Everyone follows behind NIKKI. They creep along and come up behind a blonde woman with her -- grey and boring -- underpants down around her ankles. She turns to face them. It is ALICE.]


;;; Unless you've specifically been told, your character

;;; does NOT recognize her

Alice: Hey! What the hell is going on?

01.02.077

Nikki: [Relieved] Welcome to our nightmare, blondie! We have no idea what's going on, but several of us have already been killed so you'd better pull up your pants and watch out for killer lizards!

01.02.078

Alice: [Hastily pulls her pants up] Hey! I was in the bathroom -- and it's laundry day! Normally my underpants are WAY flouncier than these!

01.02.079

Nikki: [Snorts] Sure! [Urgently] So, who are you? I'm Dr. Nicola Remington-Hayes, and these are [somewhat dismissively] various people from Apraxia, which appears to be our only connection. Are you, by chance, from Apraxia?


;;; With that, my three!

01.02.080

Caroline: Or do you have any idea where we are?

01.02.081

Alice: Uh, which question should I answer first?

Archibald: How about are you from Apraxia?

Alice: No.

Archibald: How about do you have any idea where we are?

Alice: No.

01.02.082

Nikki: [Disappointed] Well, do you know anyone here?

01.02.083

Alice: [Sadly] Not any more.

01.02.084

Caroline: "Not any more?" What does that mean?

01.02.085

Alice: It means they're dead! It's the classic love story. Repressed librarian travels back in time, meets and kills an angel, turning him into a demon who unleashes terrible revenge on the world for hundreds of thousands of years, only to meet her again in her own time and for her to fall in love with her, produce a half-human, half-demon offspring, before he kills her and then dies saving the world. [Shakes her head sadly] How many times have we heard that story?

Archibald: Wait a minute! Are you talking about Pestilence?

Alice: Yes!

01.02.086

Dony: Haw! Good ol' Petsy. Horrible poker face... but a bit of a temper when he catches a cheater! Wait, did you say he was dead?

01.02.087

Nikki: [Stunned] Wait, are you saying Charlie's DEAD? And her husband killed her?! But they seemed so happy at the faculty mixer! [Lights a cigarette with shaky hands]

01.02.088

Caroline: [To Alice] Do you know a way out of here?

01.02.089

Alice: That depends. Where are we?

01.02.090

Nikki: [Puffing furiously] We don't know yet, nor do we know why we're wherever we are! [Muses] Wait, how many of you know Pestilence? [Points at Archibald and Dony] You two and anyone else?

01.02.091

Walter: I know him. The man's a crazy psychopath. You have to admire that!


;;; Out for an hour!

01.02.091

Caroline: I know Pestilence, and Charlie. [Thinks] Pestilence always seemed more interested in my security team than anything else.

01.02.092

Nikki: [Nods] Now we're getting somewhere! Charlie was my student and is now my colleague at Harbridge--or I suppose I should say, she was. [To Alice, melancholy] I do hope someone has told Deuce!

01.02.093

Walter: Who or what is deuce? Other than what this young lady here [eyes Alice] was perhaps attempting to do in public?

01.02.094

Nikki: Deuce was a dear friend of Charlie's. He will be devastated to learn of her death. [To Alice, confidentially] You know, I think he ever quite got over her. . . .

01.02.095

Walter: So we all know Pestilence or this Charlie person. How does that help get us out of here and away from the killer lizards? [Pause.] Not that there's anything wrong with killer lizards, if you're into that sort of thing. [Grins.]

01.02.096

Alice: Hey! First off, Deuce totally got over her, and if anyone is going to tell him, it'll be me. After all, I'm married to him! [Thinks] Okay, well, I'm actually married to someone else, and Deuce is dead, but the point still remains!

Archibald: What is the point?

Alice: I don't know!

01.02.097

Nikki: [Moans] Not Deuce, too! [To Alice] Did Pestilence kill him, too? In a fit of jealous anger?


;;; Poor Alice.

01.02.098

Caroline: Hmm, Pestilence always... unnerved me a little. [Laughs nervously] Of course he *was* a demon!

01.02.098

Walter: That Pestilence! What a guy!

01.02.099

Alice: No! Pestilence didn't kill him -- my husband did! Er, that is... I mean, look, what the hell is going on here and how is that you all know so much about Deucie?

01.02.100

Nikki: Deuce was also my student! Wait, is there something to this? [Looks at the others] Did any of you know Deuce, as well?

01.02.101

Walter: [Shakes his head.] Not that I recall. Or this Charlie person. Just Pestilence.

01.02.102

Caroline: [Nods] Same here.

01.02.102

Nikki: [Baffled] But what possible reason would someone have for gathering a bunch of people who know Pestilence together, now that he's dead? [Wonderingly] Could this be some sort of demonic wake?

01.02.103

Walter: It must have something to do with ol' Pestilence, but does this seem like a wake to you? Where's all the drink? It feels more like a test. Question is, what are they testing, and who are "they" in the first place?

01.02.104

Caroline: If it's a test, how would they collect the results? Could they be watching us at the moment? [Looks around to see if she can see anything out of place]

01.02.105

Alice: Maybe one of you's a spy!

01.02.106

Nikki: [To Alice, puffing away] Calm down, blondie. We've been getting attacked fairly steadily, so I say we keep moving and try to find a way out. If any of us survive, we can decide then who might be a spy!

01.02.107

Alice: [Draws a sword] Okay, agreed. [Warily] So, the only connection we all have is Pestilence? That can't be good!

01.02.108

Caroline: Um, and, well, Charlie, I suppose?

01.02.109

Nikki: [Readies her sword with a heavy sigh] But they're both gone! Whoever's behind this must know Pestilence, though. But who were WE to Pestilence, really? It doesn't sound like any of us really have a strong tie to him.

01.02.109

Alice: Yes, but not all of you knew Charlie, right?

Walter: I didn't.

Archibald: Nor did I.

Alice: Nor did I.

01.02.110

Archibald: Agreed. Could it be someone trying to get some sort of revenge on people he knew?

01.02.111

Dony: [Pulls his switchblade again suddenly suspicious] Better not be you, pal! Harma ain't never catching me alive I tell ya!

01.02.112

Archibald: Don't you threaten me, asshole!

01.02.113

Nikki: [Taken aback] Hey, you two cut it out! Save your anger for the lizards.

01.02.113

Caroline: [Exasperated] Oh, for Phili's sake! I'd suggest you pull them out and measure, but I don't think we have any microscopes to hand!

01.02.114

Archibald: You don't need a microscope baby, I've got a magnifying glass!

01.02.115

Nikki: [Looking at Archibald in disbelief] Yeah, I think we probably ARE being punished for something, after all!

01.02.116

Archibald: You think it's any picnic being here with you people? The next one who gives me any lip will get to taste my blade!

01.02.117

Walter: [Struggles to contain what sounds distinctly like a giggle.] That's telling 'em!

01.02.118

Archibald: Is that funny? Is it? How do you like this one? [Stabs Walter]

01.02.119

Caroline: [Reasonably, but as if talking to an unruly child] Now there really wasn't any need for that, was there?

01.02.120

Walter: [Reacts appropriately to being stabbed!]


;;; I figure that's niiiiice and generic! =)

01.02.121

Archibald: Sure! [Drives the sword into him again, causing him to fall to the ground, unconscious]

[Almost immediately, there's another flash of light.]


;;; Yeesh, Tom, you wanna vague that up for us a bit??

01.02.121

Nikki: [Shocked] What the hell?! [Pulls a sword and faces Archibald] Drop your weapon, you maniac!

01.02.122

Dony: Heys! I love the stabby game! [Pulls his switchblade and tries to stab Archibald]

01.02.123

Nikki: [Shocked] What's going on?! You're worse than the lizards! [Tries to get away from the carnage]

01.02.124

[ALICE dives at DONY and knocks him to the ground.]

Alice: Hey! Can people just stop getting stabbed for a moment?

01.02.125

Nikki: [Watching Alice, impressed] Well done, blondie! I think we'll put you first in line for the next round of attacks. [To everyone] Now, keep your swords to yourself, unless you see a monster. Let's MOVE!

01.02.126

Archibald: Is it weird that I'm really turned on right now?

[Enter HARVEY, walking from where the light appeared. He's holding a chicken leg.]

Harvey: By the saints! What's going on here?

01.02.127

Nikki: We don't know, but I'll bet you know Pestilence!

01.02.128

Harvey: Eh? Pestilence? Damned loose cannon if you ask me! Absolutely no respect for the chain of command! And that girl, Wally or something like that, is almost as bad. I gave them both a direct order to stop killing people, and they both ignored me! [Looks around at Caroline and the others] And who the devil are you people supposed to be? [Spots Alice] Ah, you went to find reinforcements, eh? Excellent! Now, fall in!

01.02.129

Alice: Harvey! What's going on? Where are we?

01.02.130

Nikki: [Baffled] Who's Wally? Who were Pestilence and Wally killing before you got here? Maybe that's the key to why we're all here!

01.02.131

Alice: I think he means Will, Pestilence's daughter. And, well, she killed everyone! Except Pestilence, although he's dead too. [Muses] I think he saved the world.

01.02.132

aved the world.

Dony: Damn! Theres goeses my chances of winning my moneys back from him!

01.02.133

Nikki: [To Alice] What do you mean, he saved the world? How did he do that? Perhaps he failed, and the world has become [waves around] this?

01.02.134

Content-Type: text/plain; charset=ISO-8859-1

Alice: No, I'm pretty sure he did save it. I was in it for a while after. We're somewhere else.

--14dae93a166310f0ff04cfa3e4a1

01.02.135

Harvey: Well, he's been so erratic lately, maybe he changed his mind and decided to destroy it, what?

01.02.136

Alice: Thank God you're here, Harvey! It's awful being stuck with this bunch of losers!


;;; Gone for the day!

01.02.137

Nikki: [To Alice, with a snort] Big talk for the gal who showed up here in gray granny panties!

01.02.138

Alice: Hey! I told you, it was laundry day!

01.02.139

Nikki: Yeah, yeah! Come on, we'd better get moving. There has to be a way out of here. Doesn't there?

01.02.140

Harvey: Right! [To Nikki, expectantly] So where is it, man?

01.02.141

Nikki: [To Harvey, wryly] Ah. You're one of THOSE. [Puffs furiously at her cigarette] Hell, I don't know where the exit is! Let's just keep following the tunnel. It must lead somewhere, right? Come on! [Heads further down the tunnel]


;;; Assuming the tunnel continues, that is!

01.02.142

Alice: [Looks Caroline up and down] I love your dress! Where were you going?

Caroline: [Grimly] My own funeral.

[The group reform, with HARVEY and NIKKI in the front, followed by ALICE and CAROLINE, and then ARCHIBALD and DONY. The passageway leads on for a good thirty feet, twisting and winding, before finally straightening out and becoming dead flat with large flagstones.]

Alice: [Turns to the two at the back] No stabbing each other!

01.02.143

Dony: [Disappointedly] Cans I stab someone else instead then?

01.02.144

Nikki: Probably, but wait until they attack you first!

01.02.145

Harvey: [To Dony, approvingly] Ah, the eager young trooper who is just itching to jump into the thick of things and do battle on behalf of his commanding officer, what?

01.02.145

Caroline: Please! Can we just stop taking about stabbing? I'm frightened enough without --

[The flagstone beneath CAROLINE cracks, sending her flying through the ground.]

Caroline: Heeeeeeelllllllppppppp!

01.02.146

[Everyone peers into the gaping hole.]

Alice: Uh oh! That can't be good!

[Another flash of light, this time behind the party. When it fades, CLINT is standing there.]

01.02.147

Clint: What the hell? [Catches sight of Alice and Harvey and nods sagely.] Oh, it's gonna be one of *those* days.

01.02.148

Nikki: [Alarmed, holds her sword at the ready] Watch out, he smells terrible! He could be reanimated tissue that has started to rot!

01.02.148

Dony: [Brandishing his blade] What the hell is going on?

01.02.149

Alice: [Looks suspiciously at Clint] Hey! He does smell unusually good!

01.02.149

Clint: [Firmly.] It's a natural manly musk, woman! [Gives Dony a look.] And that's what I want to know!

01.02.150

Harvey: [Looks at Clint suspiciously] And who are you, and what have you done with the real Private Scar, eh?

01.02.151

Clint: [Defensively.] I got caught in some rain a couple of days ago, okay?

01.02.152

Nikki: So, this is an improvement. Dear GOD. [Composes herself. To Clint, conversationally] So, how do YOU know Pestilence? Tell us quickly, though, we're dropping like flies here!

01.02.153

Clint: [Surprised as heck.] Pestilence? What's he got to do with this?! Other than being dead and marrying a fri... marrying Charlie?

01.02.154

Nikki: [Shrugs] We don't know yet. It's just that the only thing we all seem to have in common is that we all know Pestilence somehow.

01.02.155

Alice: A whole bunch of them have been brought here, Stinky, and all killed, by monsters, each other or by falling through floors!

01.02.156

Clint: Then I guess we better be on our toes here! Anyone seen the rest of the guys?

01.02.157

Nikki: What guys?

01.02.158

Clint: Oh, [gestures vaguely at Alice and Harvey] our doctor, our lawyer, and that other one.

01.02.159

Harvey:Remember, Private Scar, that man is a valued member of the Troop, probably, and you would do well to remember his name, whatever it is. [To Nikki] Now, what's the situation here, soldier?

01.02.159

Nikki: [Recognition dawning] Oh, RIGHT! Charlie did mention something about that. [To Dony and Archibald, explaining] Frankly, it sounded a bit like some sort of infantile fantasy role-playing game so mostly I just tuned her out.

01.02.160

Clint: [Confused.] "Fantasy role-playing game?" Is that some kind of sex thing?

01.02.161

Archibald: [Grinning like crazy] I sure hope so!

01.02.162

[Another flash of light from behind the group. When it clears, there stands JORDAN CHAPMAN.]

Alice: [Shakily] Oh. My. God.

01.02.163

Jordan: [Holding some random book, looking around confused] Where in the realms? [Hears Alice's voice, cringes, turns to face her] What did I do to deserve this punishment?

01.02.164

On 3 December 2012 11:15, Marc-Andrew Hunnam Nicholas

Harvey: Ah, the fellow who makes novelty paperweights in the shape of books, what?

01.02.165

Jordan: [Backs away from Alice towards Harvey] Pleasure to make your acquaintance sir. Harvey, isn't it? [Offers his free hand to shake, keeping an weary eye on Alice]

01.02.166

Alice: Jordan! Jordan! It's me! I'm your number one fan!

01.02.167

Jordan: [To Alice through gritted teeth] I know who you are, you were told to stay away from me. Is this some plot of yours? Kidnapped me? [Holds out his hand] I suppose you have a book you want me to autograph? [Looks around, still holding his hand out] Where are we anyway? Oh, hello Nikki!

01.02.167

Harvey: Oh dear, she seems a bit excited, what? [Shakes Jordan's hand] I say, I got some of those door-stop things you make for Philimas, and they're pretty useful for keeping the table level and so on, eh?

01.02.168

Nikki: [Surprised] Hello, Jordan! I must say, I am very sorry to see you here. We are all in great danger. Quickly, what's your connection to Pestilence Sotot?

01.02.168

Alice: [Laughs] Oh, Jordan! You're so funny!

01.02.169

Jordan: [To Alice] As my Granpappy always said, "keep 'em laughin' and dey won't be a bover!" [To Nikki] Pestilence? Oh he's a good friend of mine. Saved my life once while I was being beat up. Turned out he wanted me to autograph a copy of Light for him, and his timing just happened to be perfect. Why do you ask? Is it some sort of surprise party for him?

01.02.170

Alice: Light? Oh, that's my all time favourite book! I even almost read most of it!

01.02.171

Jordan: Light isn't all that great, really.

01.02.172

Alice: Aw! Just listen to him! So modest!


;;; out for two hours!

01.02.173

Jordan: No, seriously, it's not all that good.


;;; Out for the rest of the day in a meeting!

01.02.174

Nikki: [Shrugs] With poetry, who can say? The important thing right now, though, is that we need to figure out how to get out of here alive. Let's keep moving!

01.02.175

Harvey: I give the orders here, Private Parker-Kensington! [To the others] Now, keep moving!

01.02.176

Nikki: [Snorts] That would be Private Remington-Hayes, Colonel, but by all means--take the lead! I have no interest in being first in line to fight whatever's coming next!

01.02.177

Dony: [Picking food from his teeth with his knife] Yea, I'm with this Dame.Yous lot can leads the way!

01.02.178

Harvey: Don't be ridiculous, Private! A commanding officer does not scouting - that's what scouts are for! You see, you send the scouts forward to find the enemy, and if the scouts die, it means they've found the enemy, what?

01.02.179

Alice: [Looks down the pit that Caroline fell through] I don't think this scout is coming back!

01.02.180

Clint: Then we need a new scout! And who better to scout than someone with the trained eye of a poet! Being separated from from Alice here is a great sacrifice, but...

01.02.181

Nikki: [To Clint] Surely you're better suited for such a job, no?

01.02.182

Harvey: I don't believe Private Scar would make an effective scout, since the smell would scare any enemy into retreat, what? He's much better employed as shock infrantry, because said smell is, well, shocking. Very well, Private Chapman shall be lead scout. [To Jordan] Just try not to employ too much metaphor when you get caught by the enemy and are screaming in agony as they viciously savage you, what? Now, off you go, and do your duty with courage, what?

01.02.183

Clint: Besides [nods, indicating Alice] won't someone think of the poets?

01.02.184

Alice: I'll go with him!

01.02.185

Clint: I don't think that's a good idea, Bimbo. We don't want our scout so distracted that he falls into a pit and dies!

01.02.186

Harvey: Besides, it might be dangerous, what?

01.02.187

Alice: [Disgusted] Oh my God! What is wrong with you people? [Draws her sword] I'll go by myself. Clint? Harvey? You two can hug each other and sit scared in the corner.


;;; I mean, really? The two fighters??

01.02.188

Harvey: [Huffily] Commanders don't fight, young lady - that's what they have armies for. [Makes to follow Alice]


;;; Home time!

01.02.189

Nikki: [Lifts her sword] Lead the way, Blondie! I'm glad someone here has balls!

01.02.190

Jordan: Thank you for the offer of lead scout, but my body would not permit me such a pleasurable duty, would it Nikki?

01.02.191

Nikki: [Snorts] Hell, no! We've got some seasoned adventurers to take the lead, so we'll just let them. [Looks expectantly at the others]

01.02.192

[ALICE leads the way, followed by HARVEY and ARCHIBALD, then NIKKI and JORDAN, and finally, DONY and CLINT. They follow several turns before eventually coming to what looks like a waiting room, with several uncomfortable looking chairs. On one wall is machine with "Please take a number", and a sign on another wall says "Now serving #2"]


;;; End of scene. Next one TOMORROW!

01.03.001

[Book IX, Act I, Scene III. The Waiting Room. ALICE, ARCHIBALD, CLINT, JORDAN, HARVEY, NIKKI and DONY are here, looking at the ticket machine.]

Alice: Right! I think we should take number 3, as that's the next one!

01.03.002

Nikki: [Nods] Good idea! [Goes to take a ticket]

01.03.003

Jordan: [Looks around to see how many others are waiting too] I wonder how long of a wait we'll have.

01.03.004

Alice: You'll have to wait a very long time, Jordan. You see, our love can never be, [dramatically] for my heart belongs to another.

[There's no one else here. NIKKI takes a ticket and shows it to the party. The number is 10000000007. ]

01.03.005

Nikki: [Lights a cigarette] Hopefully this at least means we have a little time to kill before we get attacked again. [Brightens] Hey, why don't I practice the keynote address I'm giving at the International Society of Folklore and Stuff Conference next month? [Enticingly] Theeeere's nudity!

01.03.005

Harvey: Blast! We'll be here for ages! Perhaps there's someone we can speak to to hurry things along, what? [Looks around for some sort of assistant, or bell to call for service]

01.03.006

Jordan: I could always recite some poetry, or play us a song or two.

01.03.006

Alice: [Fixes Nikki with a steely gaze] Who's nude in it?

[HARVEY spots a small button which resembles a doorbell on one wall, about an inch off the ground.]

01.03.007

Alice: [Applauds happily] Yay! Do "Hooray for nice things"! No! Do "Fluffy Clouds are Happy Clouds"!

01.03.008

Jordan: Hooray for nice things seems the better choice I think, for getting out of here alive, and in one piece, would surely be a nice thing. [To the rest of the party] Any other requests?


;;; It's snowing!

01.03.009

Harvey: [Frantically pressing the button and shouting] I say! Come quick - we're dying in here, by the saints! [To the party] See, I told you this would be dangerous, what?

01.03.010

Jordan: Oh come now Harvey, it could be worse [clears his throat] but now it is time to recite my verse. [To the party] I call this one, Hooray for nice things.

As I walk this dark a dreary path The muck I wear calls for a bath Of all wishes, I wish for wings To find a bath and say, hooray for nice things!

The cellar said, no room for swine For we all know it was meant for wine And on this night, the moon, it sings With my wine in hand, hooray for nice things!

At the door I hear knock knock knock The man has called to fix my clock And when he's done it will be full of dings So in the morn I wake up on time and say, hooray for nice things!

As winter grasps and snow doth fall The children each make a ball And when my face it hits, it does sting The fun of winter, hooray for nice things!

01.03.011

Alice: [Struggling to hold back some tears] That's... so... beautiful!

[HARVEY presses the bell and the party can hear a muffled ring.]

01.03.012

Nikki: [To Jordan, applauding] Very nice! Now, shall I give my keynote address? It's only 3 hours long, and there's a surprise twist in the last half hour!

01.03.013

Alice: For the love of God, Harvey! You're not pressing it hard enough!

01.03.014

Jordan: We could always try knocking on the door [looks to see if there is a door]

01.03.015


;;; Only the door we came in!

Archibald: What door? Good damn, boy, but you're an idiot!

01.03.016

Nikki: [Watches Archibald warily] He's only trying to figure this out. Now, why don't you relax and listen to my presentation? You'll feel better--and smarter!--after you've heard it.

01.03.017

Archibald: Would I be as smart as you?

01.03.018

Nikki: [Laughs] Oh, GOD, no. [Encouragingly] But you would be smarter, within your own limitations and capabilities.

01.03.019

Archibald: Wow. That sounds gear. [Edges closer to the bell and starts to ring it] Do go on.

[A tiny sliding door opens. Enter JEAN MAJEUR, a strangely grey looking man.]

Jean: Hey! What do you think you're doing?

01.03.020

Harvey: Ah, well, you see, I believe we are ringing this bell while waiting for some useless layabout to tell us what the blazes is going on here!

01.03.021

Jean: Well then. I can't help you.

[JEAN disappears as the door slams shut. Seconds later, it opens again and he pops his head out.]

Jean: Because I'm not useless, you see.

[He disappears again, only to reappear once more.]

Jean: Nor am I a layabout!

[Disappears once more, reappearing again a second later.]

Jean: Uh, and what did you say about feathers?

01.03.022

Nikki: [To Jean] Wait! Could you please tell us what we are doing here? What are we waiting for?

01.03.023

Jean: What number have you got?

01.03.024

Harvey: [Quickly] Two!

01.03.025

Dony: [Flicking his knife menacingly] Actually, I think it says ONE!

01.03.026

Jean: Two? [Skeptically] Really?

01.03.027

Nikki: [Quickly stuffs the ticket in her pocket] Sure! Can you let us through?

01.03.028

Jean: Oh, um, I guess. You know, you've... well, you've kind of stolen my thunder a bit. I normally keep people here for a few months, you know, to see how badly they want it.

01.03.029

Harvey: [Indicates Jordan] He was reciting poetry - that's how badly we want out of here, what?

01.03.030

Jean: Yeah, that's pretty bad, I guess. And you did pass the lizard test, right?

[Everyone loudly agrees.]

Jean: And what about the one with the colours and shapes? Did you pass that?

[More agreement.]

Jean: That's a tough one, isn't it? What was the right answer?

01.03.031

Clint: [Scoffs.] Everyone knows that the right answer is that there is no right answer!

01.03.032

Jean: [Laughs] Okay, you got me. What about the... [looks around the room] the one with the chairs?!

01.03.033

Clint: What *about* the one with the chairs?

01.03.034

Jean: Oh... you're good! You're very good! Right. Are you guys ready for battle?

01.03.035

Nikki: [Cagily] Sure! But first, we have to make sure YOU know what's going on! WHY are we being forced to fight, exactly?

01.03.035

Harvey: And what are we being forced to fight, exactly?


;;; Out tomorrow AM.

01.03.037

Clint: And where are we being forced to fight, exactly?

01.03.038

Jordan: And what has it all got to do with Pestilence?

01.03.039

Jean: Woah woah woah woah! Woah! Who said anything about fighting? And what pestilence?

01.03.040

Nikki: [Relieved] Well, we have been attacked several times, so we just assumed we were being prepared to fight again! What are we waiting for, then? Why the numbers?

01.03.041

Jean: It's to make sure that people stay orderly while waiting for the assassination.

01.03.042

Jordan: Who is getting assassinated?

01.03.056

Clint: And what if we don't go through with it just on some demon's say so? Hypothetically speaking, of course.

01.03.057

Nikki: Anyway, surely we have to have signed something to have a contract! I never signed anything, so you've got the wrong gal!

01.03.058

Clint: Are you sure you'd remember doing it? I mean, what with your maturity and all...

01.03.059

Jean: But, why wouldn't you want to kill her? [Confused] Well, it's up to you. We just put you in the right place, and what happens next is up to you.

01.03.060

Nikki: But what has she ever done to anyone? Why assassinate this poor girl?

01.03.061

Last from Heather $60

Clint: Yeah! With a name like "Pollyanna Darling,' it's probably crueler to let her live anyway.

01.03.062

Jean: [Shrugs] Idunno. I don't make the rules. Well, actually, I do, and it feeeeeels so good! It almost makes up for having a tiny penis.

Alice: Really?

Jean: [Hangs his head sadly] No.

01.04.010

Clint: I bet that's her!


;;; Wowsers. Exhausting Christmas weekend, slept in way late, found

that the blogger was off the list - it's back on now! - and went back to

sleep.

;;; Two more weeks to figure out how to spend unfeasible amounts of

money on my loved ones, therefore proving to them just how much I care!

01.04.011

Jordan: [Whispers] Or that animal we heard. I have an idea. [Talks loudly] So, who is up for a good old sing along? I just happen to have my lute with me. This barn sure does look like a good place to play music loudly and sing like there's no tomorrow. Wouldn't you all agree? [Casts Summon Instrument]

01.04.012

[There's a flash of light. Enter AUSTIN SLEAZE.]

Alice: Wow! That was really great, Jordan!

[Another flash of light. A lute appears.]

01.04.013

Nikki: [Uncertainly, to Austin] Are you Pollyanna Darling?

01.04.014

Harvey: [Incredulously] Of course he isn't! [To Austin, suspiciously] Are you?

01.04.015

Alice: He's an Austin darling!

01.04.015

Austin : [Looks a little surprised, checks his suit and cuffs. To Nikki] No, I am not Pollyanna, and I am not your darling either. [Glances around] Where are we?

01.04.016

Nikki: [Exasperated, lighting a cigarette] We aren't sure! All we know is that we all know Pestilence, and that we've allegedly signed some contract agreeing to kill this Pollyanna Darling person. But I definitely didn't, and I won't! The poor, helpless thing.

01.04.017

Jordan: [To Austin] You didn't sign any contract by any chance did you?

01.04.018

Austin : [To Jordan] There is no need to insult me, we have only just met! [Rolls his eyes] What will she think of next!

01.04.019

Alice: Yeah, Jordan, wait a few minutes until you see how mean he really is, THEN insult him!

01.04.020

Harvey: Ah, but by then he may well have drafted an anti-insult injunction. He is a lawyer after all, what? [To Jordan] Well done for seizing the initiative and getting your insult in early! [Musing] Perhaps we'll make an officer of you yet, eh? And to think I would have sent you in as a sacrificial scout, what?

01.04.021

Jordan: [To Harvey] You are truly wise indeed. [To Austin] A lawyer are you? Hmm, perhaps then you can find a way to get us out of this without us having to kill anyone, given they claim to have our contracts, contracts we were not even aware existed.

01.04.022

Austin : Well, I most certainly have not signed a contract to kill someone. We should request copies of these contract immediately. I can supply legal expertise, if you wish, for the standard fee, naturally.

01.04.023

Nikki: [Snorts incredulously] You do know we're all in danger here, right? Surely you can do this one pro bono!

01.04.024

Alice: Great idea, Aus! [Formally to Austin] We would like copies of our contracts, please.

[The shape under the blanket in the corner moves again, giving another loud moan.]

01.04.025

Austin : Hmm, pro bono, where professionals provide free services to those who claim to be unable to afford them. [To Nikki] No thank you.

01.04.025

Harvey: [To the blanket, irritably] Will you be quiet! We are trying to have a legal discussion here, by the saints! [To Austin] Now, I would like to discuss what provisions the contract has for, ah, provisions. That is, lunch, what?

01.04.026

[Whatever's under the blanket gives a fearsome growl.]

01.04.027

Clint: Harv, if that's your stomach, I say we have lunch *first*!

01.04.028

Alice: But where are the muffins? Did Pollyanna eat them all?

01.04.029

Clint: I dunno, Bimbo, but if she did, Harv'll kill her after all.

01.04.029

Nikki: Maybe what's under there did! [Points to the growling blanket, alarmed]

01.04.030

Jordan: Surely eating all the muffins isn't worth killing someone over. [Looks at the blanket] Let's find out Nikki [looks for a broom or long stick to poke the blanket with]

01.04.031

[JORDAN finds himself confronted with a veritable cornucopia of long sticks, of varying sharpness. ALICE spots him eyeing them up.]

Alice: Great idea, Jordan! Trying to see if the blanket is alive?

01.04.032

Nikki: [Takes a pointy stick and prods at the blanket] Pollyanna?

01.04.032

Harvey: Ah, leave this to me. [Walks up to the blanket and nudges it with his toe, then at the top of his voice] ON YOUR FEET, SOLDIER! We'll have no lying around on watch in *my* Troop! Now staaaand to atten-hun!


;;; That'd wake you up in the morning, eh?

01.04.034

Jordan: [To Alice] So is that [nods towards Harvey with a smirk]


;;; oh yes. I remember my military days. Weren't far from that, I assure you.

01.04.035

[The blanket flies back and a bood covered zombie like creature, ROMEO ROMERO, leaps out. A chain leads from his neck to the ground.]

Romeo: I'm up! I'm up!

01.04.036

Nikki: [Shrieks and holds out her pointy stick] Stay back! [Skeptically] Are you Pollyanna Darling?

01.04.037

Austin : [Cautiously moves to put the party between him and Romeo. To Nikki] Do you really think his name is Pollyanna? He doesn't look like a Pollyanna to me! More of a Kevin, Drew, or a Tom.

01.04.038

Jordan: [To Nikki] I was thinking more of a Conor, John or Dom.

01.04.038

Alice: Don't be ridic, Aus. He's totally a Dom!

Romeo: Please! You've got to help me! Pollyanna is keeping me prisoner!

01.04.039

Austin : [To Romeo] Why would anyone keep you prisoner? What worth do you have?

01.04.040

Romeo: Sex slave!

01.04.041

Austin : [Cracks up laughing, splitting his sides and trying not to pee himself in glee!] You are hilarious! I can see why she keeps you now! Her own personal comedian!

01.04.042

Harvey: [Thoughtfully] Hmm... Is she the one keeping us here? Perhaps Private Sleaze can distract Polyanna by fulfilling her sexual desires long enough for us to escape, what?

01.04.043

Nikki: Given his stench [points at Romeo] , I suspect he [points at Clint] is more Pollyanna's type!

01.04.044

Romeo: Please! You've got to let me go! She's crazy! She'll kill you all! [Lurches to make a grab at the party, but can't get near them because of the chain]

01.04.045

he chain]

Dony: Not if we kill her first!

01.04.046

Austin : [To Romeo] I think that you are crazy and will kill us all if we set you free. Perhaps you should try anger management therapy before making such requests again.

01.04.047

Romeo: [Angrily swipes at Austin, but can't reach] I'm not angry, you bastards!

01.04.048

Nikki: [To Romeo] Calm down, buddy! We might be able to help you, but we need some help from you, first. Where IS Pollyanna? What's she like?

01.04.049

Romeo: She's in the torture chamber, probably torturing someone! [Dramatic pause] She's a torturer!

01.04.050

Harvey: She doesn't sound so bad, really - who would want to kill her?

01.04.051

Romeo: Anyone who's not an idiot!

Alice: Hah! I guess that rules us out, then! [Looks smug] I mean, hey!

01.04.052

Jordan: [To Harvey] It depends on who or what she is torturing really. I'm guessing she must torture demons and the like, which is why demons want her dead.

01.04.053

Alice: Good idea, Jordan!

[ROMEO throws himself at the party, but the chains stop him. However, they are clearly getting loose.]

Romeo: [Mocking Alice with a squeaky, whiney voice] Good idea, Jordan!

Alice: [Whining] I don't sound like that!

01.04.054

Jordan: [To Alice] You might if he keeps doing that and the chain breaks.

01.04.055

Dony: Maybe he wouldn't be so agitated if we poke a few holes in him? [Makes a stabbing gesture]

01.04.056

Romeo: Bring it on! [Jerks the chains again, causing them to get even looser]

01.04.057

Austin : [Nervously] I think it may be an appropriate moment for some one to kill him before he breaks free!


;;;awa hame :)

01.04.058

Nikki: [To Harvey, urgently] Go on, you do it! All I have is a pointy stick and a Phd!

01.04.059

Harvey: [Spluttering] I told you before - commanders don't fight - they have an army to do that for them. Why don't you try hitting him with your Phd? I'm sure it's big enough, what?

01.04.060

Clint: You could try telling him all about your research? It always worked for Charlie!

01.04.061

Alice: [To Nikki] You make the mistake of thinking that Clint and Harvey actually fight anymore. They just stand around waiting for stuff to happen.

[The chain breaks and ROMEO leaps on CLINT, biting him on the face.]


;;; Lose 14hp Clint!

01.04.062

Clint: Hey! Just because I feel some empathy for a guy kept as nothing more than a sex slave... [Attacks Romeo.]


;;; Seriously, the poor dude's just some unfortunate breeding stud with

;;; anger management issues. We've all been there, amirite?

01.04.063

Nikki: [Frantically whacks Romeo with her stick. To Harvey] Do something, old man!!

01.04.064

Harvey: Well it really isn't appropriate for commanders to fight, but needs must, what? [Draws his sword and attacks Romeo]

01.04.065

[Everyone lays into ROMEO, hacking and slashing, cutting bits off.]

Romeo: Please! I just want to get away! I just want to be loved! [Grabs Harvey's arm and bites it]

01.04.066

Nikki: [Shrieks] Watch out, he could be rabid! [Tries to pull Harvey away from Romeo]

01.04.067

Alice: He's not a rabbit, they're super cute and cuddly! [Stabs Romeo, but doesn't seem to slow him down]


;;; Drew is out today

Jordan: [Grabbing a pitch fork and stabbing Romeo with it] How do we stop him? We're all gonna die!

01.04.068

Austin : [Shooting from a safe range] Cut his head off! Cut his heart out!

01.04.069

[Enter POLLYANNA DARLING, a delightful looking woman in an apron and wielding a huge whip.]

Pollyanna: Stop that this instant! [Strikes Romeo with the whip, catching him around the throat]

01.04.070

Dony: [To the group] Is she talking to us or to him?

01.04.071

Nikki: [To Pollyanna] Thank you! Now, I assume YOU are Pollyanna Darling?

01.04.072

Alice: Given that she has the whip around his throat, I guess it's us?

Pollyanna: Yes, that's me! [To Alice] No, I was talking to this idiot.

Alice: [Points at Dony] Him?

Pollyanna: No! The one who smells like he's dead.

Alice: [Points at Clint] Him?

Pollyanna: No! The zombie!

Alice: [Points at Harvey] Him?

01.04.073

Austin : No! [Points at Romeo] Him.


;;; away tomorrow and monday.

01.04.074

Pollyanna: Help me get the chain tied down again!


;;; John's off partying

Harvey: [Grabs the chain and gives it a good jerk] By the saints! This is a strong brute!

01.04.075

Dony: [Moves over to help] Why do you keep this idiot around?

01.04.076

Pollyanna: I'm trying to help him.

Romeo: She's not! She's an evil torturer! Kill her! Kill her!

01.04.077

Nikki: So, you're not [delicately] involved with him?

01.04.078

Clint: [Helpfully.] By which she means 'having sex.'

01.04.079

Pollyanna: Good lord, no!

[HARVEY struggles to tie the chain down, but ROMEO is very strong.]

Harvey: What in the blazes! Private Scar! Front and centre! Help me here, man!

01.04.080

Nikki: [To Pollyanna, trying to help Harvey] This doesn't seem like a very good long-term plan for restraining your prisoner. What do you normally do when he breaks free like this?

01.04.081

[ALICE and JORDAN help holding down the chain, and soon ROMEO is secure again.]

Pollyanna: I give him a jolly stern talking to, and he doesn't get any cake for three whole days!

01.04.082

Clint: [Goes to help Harvey with Romeo.] Hold still, freak! Or there will be no cake for you! [Takes the opportunity, if available, of putting the boot in,]

01.04.083

Jordan: [Looking confused] Since when do zombies eat cake?

01.04.084

Clint: [Still tussling with Romeo.] I dunno, but as the good book tells us, zombie cannot live by brains alone.

01.04.084


;;; No posts today! back to normal on Monday

01.04.085

[Eventually the party get him tied down.]

Pollyanna: Oh, I'm so sorry! Please, won't you come inside? I can tend to your wounds!

01.04.086

Nikki: What a lovely gesture, but we mustn't intrude. [Too casually] So what a does a lady like you do out here in the country to stay busy? Knitting bees and church socials, one assumes?

01.04.087

Jordan: Kidnapping and chaining up zombies?

01.04.088

Harvey: [Hopefully] Serving lunch to hungry passers by?

01.04.089

Pollyanna: Oh no, we don't kidnap them, we just chain them up! [To Harvey] Not only lunch, but delicious cakes too!

01.04.090

Nikki: But you're nice to them, right? I mean, you're not, evil? Right??

01.04.091

Pollyanna: [Laughs] Oh really! Would someone who makes cakes in the shapes of sparrows be evil?=

01.04.091

Jordan: Cakes? Excellent! Do you have muffins too by any chance?

01.04.092

Pollyanna: Oh. Muffins. Oh no. [Shakes her head] We don't eat muffins in this house. Can't abide them. The Devil's Shitpile, as my old Gran used to call them. [Perks up] Who likes cake?!

01.04.093

Jordan: Cake is good, I like cake. My companion here though [points to Alice] wanted muffins.

01.04.094

Alice: [Sighs heavily] That's okay. I mean, if no one else cares about the muffins, I guess I'll just have delicious cake instead.


;;; Out for an hour!

01.04.094

Dony: Someone once told me the cake was a lie!

01.04.095

Nikki: [Warily] Yes, I suppose we'll have some cake, then. Thank you very much.

01.04.096

Pollyanna: Wonderful! Come with me, please, and be careful not step on any zombies.

Alice: Zombies?

Pollyanna: Did I say zombies? I meant flowers!

[Exit ALL.]

01.05.001

[Book IX, Act I, Scene V. Pollyanna's House. ALICE, AUSTIN, NIKKI, CLINT, HARVEY, JORDAN and DONY are here, having been escorted to the house by POLLYANNA, and not having encountered any zombies. She has brought them into a huge, comfortable looking kitchen, where there is a large cake with shapes on it on the table.]

Alice: [Looks at the cake] Wow! Hey, those figures on the cake look just like us!

[This is true. There are little icing figures of each of the party members (the current line up) posing on top of the cake. The likenesses are superb, and all the figures are smiling.]

01.05.002

Clint: How the hell? [Eyes Pollyanna warily.] Just what are you trying to pull here, lady?

01.05.003

Jordan: [Eyeing the cake suspiciously] Any one feel like some music? [Starts playing the lute and casts Detect Magic]

01.05.004

Nikki: When did you make these? How did you know we would be here?

01.05.005

Harvey: I say, what are the little models of us all about, eh?

01.05.006

Clint: This isn't some kind of creepy voodoo doll thing, is it?

01.05.006

Pollyanna: I just thought they might add some fun to the proceedings! You'd be surprised how many people enjoy eating themselves. [To the party ] Anyone want a little head?

01.05.007

Jordan: Nah, they're not voodoo. Though we are all curious how you were able to make them like us when we have only just met.

01.05.009

Nikki: [Uncertainly] Well, OK. Where's the Ladies' Room?

01.05.011

Jordan: [To Polyanna] Why don't you tell us what you made the cake with? Wouldn't want any of us having an adverse allergic reaction now would you? After all, wouldn't be a very good party if any of us died.

01.05.010

Harvey: Well, best find the Gents' Room lest Private Scar gets in there first and contaminates the place, what?


;;; Sporadic posting today - meetings!

01.05.014

Pollyanna: It's not a question of how many, rather of the quality of life of those who do. [Cuts a piece of cake that has Clint on it and holds it up to the party] Now, I know someone wants to eat Clint!

01.05.015

Jordan: [Quietly, to everyone but Harvey, Nikki and Polyanna] Everything in here is magical except the cake itself. [To Polyanna after she cuts the cake] How do you know Clints name?

01.05.008

Pollyanna: Oh, we're just like a big family here, that's how I knew!

Alice: [Sceptically] And what could be more like being in a family than making creepy little cakes?

Pollyanna: [Chirpily] Not asking questions when one thinks the answer might be awkward! Now, why don't you all wash up?

01.05.016

Pollyanna: Oh, I'm sure one of you said it, Jordan. Y ou know, something like [puts on a silly deep voice] I'm Jordan, and this is my friend Clint!

Alice: Huh. That does sound like you, Jordan!

01.05.012

Pollyanna: Any party that has at least one survivor is a good party! [Smiles sweetly] I made the cake with love. [To Harvey and Nikki] You can wash up here. [Points to the kitchen sink, which has a fearsome, wiry looking scrubbing brush on it] Perfectly clean, please!

01.05.013

Nikki: [Looks nervously at the wire brush] So, do many people tend to survive your [finger quotes] parties?

01.05.018

Nikki: [To Pollyanna, casually poking around and looking into cabinets] So, do you get many visitors here?

01.05.019

Dony: And by guests we don't mean Zombies!

01.05.019

Austin : And are they as esteemed as we are? [Looks around the place in curiosity]

01.05.017

Jordan: [Shaking his head] I don't agree. [Begins to casually strum on his lute] It lacks a certain musical quality. It should sound something a little more like this [Casts Detect Thoughts]

01.05.020

Pollyanna: [Grabs the brush and bonks Nikki on the head with it] Stop that at once!

[JORDAN staggers back, dropping his lute.]

01.05.021

Nikki: [Pulls back, rubbing her head] Hey! I was just looking for some soap!

01.05.023

Harvey: I say! Isn't cold water purer and less hellish?

01.05.022

Pollyanna: Soap? Ha! The devil's lubricant! You can use hot water and the brush, all of you!

01.05.024

Clint: [Eyes the brush uncertainly.] I say we take our chances with the zombie!

01.05.025

Austin : I disagree, our current host has far better manners and personal hygiene.


;;; awa hame!

;;; hope that hangover has a swift departure, Conor :)

01.05.026

Clint: [Snorts.] That brush'll ruin your girly manicure, lawyer. Not that there's anything wrong with ruining your girly manicure!

01.05.027

Pollyanna: [Turns and smacks Clint in the face with the brush] Stop that snorting at once!

[CLINT staggers back, nose bleeding.]


;;; Lose 5hp!

01.05.028

Clint: Ow! Hey, lady, what's your deal? And guys, don't we have [with huge emphasis] a job to do?

01.05.029

Jordan: [Slowly] Job, yeah, job [hesitantly picks the lute back up]

01.05.030

Pollyanna: Dirty! You're all dirty! Look at you! [Points at Harvey] Covered in blood! [At Clint] Saying you have a job to do and doing nothing? Naughty, naughty, naughty!

Alice: [Licking some icing off her finger that she's dipped into the cake] Mm! This is really good!

Pollyanna: No eating with your fingers!

01.05.031

Nikki: [Takes the scrubbing brush and pretends to use it vigorously] Much better!

01.05.032

Jordan: So, you are saying we should just go ahead and do the job we are meant to do? Without hesitation?

01.05.033

Pollyanna: And what job is that, Jordan? [Gives Nikki a dirty look] I've got my eye on you!

01.05.034

Harvey: [Munching a cake] Well, eating these delicious cakes, of course! Oh, and wasn't there something about an assassination, what?

01.05.035

Alice: [Dips her finger into the cake again] Oh my god. I think I want to marry this cake!

01.05.036

Jordan: And investigation actually. We've been tasked with looking in to people who use magic for baking cakes, and I'm sorry to say sister, this kitchen is buzzing with magic all over the place.


;;; I hate to say this, but I think it's time we pretended to be HARMA

01.05.037

Pollyanna: Really? By who?

[ALICE starts wiping cake all over her face.]

Alice: You guys! You've got to taste this cake!

01.05.038

Jordan: That is a question best asked of our commanding officer [points to Harvey]

01.05.039

On 19 December 2012 10:24, Marc-Andrew Hunnam Nicholas

Harvey: [Angrily, to Alice] But then there'd be less for *me* to eat, what? By the saints this must the be best cake in all creation!

01.05.040

Dony: Hey! Yous might thinks he's a commander, but he ain't no commander o' Dony, unnerstand? [Scoops up some cake and eats it] Man! That is good cake!

01.05.041

Austin : [To Dony] It sounds as if you have just been drafted.

01.05.042

Alice: Taste some of this cake, Aus! It's delish! [Scoops up some in her hands and approaches Austin]

01.05.043

Austin : [Avoids and dodges Alice as best he can] Get that away from me! You foul and grubby urchin!

01.05.044

Harvey: I say, not eating the cake seems to be having an odd effect on Private Sleaze, what? We'd best get him to eat some, eh?

01.05.045

Austin : I am perfectly fine Colonel, the cake is clearly drugged or magical and it is effecting your thoughts! [Tries to escape from the room, and lock them in]

01.05.046

Jordan: [To Polyanna] Okay Polybird, why don't you tell us what's going on here? Why are my companions here so obsessed over your cake and hell bent on making the rest of us eat it too?


;;; Out for an hour

01.05.047

Nikki: [Watching Harvey and Alice, appalled] And eating it so sloppily, too! [A bit wistfully] Though it does look fun. . . .

01.05.047

Pollyanna: Don't take that naughty tone with me, young man! You're not too old to be put across my knee and spanked!

[AUSTIN tries the door, but it is locked. ALICE advances, wielding a large amount of cake, but he skillfully avoids it.]

Alice: [Spots that some cream has fallen on the floor] Hey! [Scoops it up and eats it] Mm!

01.05.048

Jordan: [Frowning at Pollyanna] well then, how about a little music to go with our cake eating party then?

01.05.049

Dony: Less musice ands more cakes I says! [Continues eating]

01.05.049


;;; Hi, everyone! Your busy GM is in a meeting

;;; and asked me to pause the game for him.

;;; Annnnnd--pause!

On Wed, Dec 19, 2012 at 8:09 AM, Day, Kevin R. (Las Colinas) NA

01.05.049

And on that note, I should add that I'm off for the holidays. Hope everyone has a merry Christmas and a happy New Year and sings plenty of traditional Boxing Day carols!

01.05.050

Pollyanna: No! No music!

[DONY continues to stuff his face, eating the figure of himself as he does. He suddenly grabs his stomach in pain.]

Dony: Heys! What's with the painses?

01.05.052

Pollyanna: Jordan! Indoor voice please. We wouldn't want people to think you're rude, would we?

[Bam. JORDAN punches POLLYANNA square in the nose and knocks her to the ground.]

Alice: [Now covered in cream] Hey! What's wrong with you?

01.05.052

Harvey: Gah! It's worth the pain! [Continues eating the cake]

01.05.051

Jordan: She's a bloody voodoo witch! [Tries to punch Pollyanna in the face]

01.05.053

Jordan: [Yelling throat killingly loud] Sod bloody manners! [Grabs the closest sharp pointy thing and attempts to pounce on Pollyanna, to pin her to the ground and stab her repeatedly]

01.05.054

Austin : [Looking shocked and pale] That is no way to treat our hostess! There must be other avenues that we can explore! Avenues with amicable outcomes for both parties!

01.05.055

Harvey: Perhaps sue for food poisoning, what? [Goes to Help Jordan]

01.05.056

Alice: Hey! Just because the cake contains food poisoning doesn't mean we should hurt her? [Eats some more cake]

[JORDAN grabs a knife and leans over POLLYANNA, only to get a swift kick to the groin, before being thrown at HARVEY, causing the two of them to fall to the ground. POLLYANNA leaps up, as DONY writhes in pain.]

Pollyanna: You people are so rude!

01.05.057

Nikki: [Grabs a saucepan and holds it up like a weapon] Hey! Enough of that. We're just trying to figure out where we are and what's going on.

01.05.058

Clint: [Draws his sword] And why someone wants us to kill you, but that's starting to become obvious!

Pollyanna: [Picks up the Clint icing figure] You all deserve punishment! Naughty, naughty, children! [Breaks the leg off the icing Clint]

[CLINT falls to the ground, screaming in agony.]

Clint: My leg! Ow!

01.05.059

Jordan: [Picking himself up off Harvey, clutching his back] Sorry sir, that wasn't intended [glares at Pollyanna] Before we kill you, at least tell us why Sloggoth wants you dead.

01.05.060

Harvey: Perhaps she wouldn't let him have any cake, what?

01.05.061

Last from John 60

Pollyanna: [Picks up the icing Jordan] Because he's a very naughty boy! Now,stand down before I have to bite your head off.=20=

01.05.062

Last from Conor 61

Jordan: I Know how to stand up, I just did that, but how in the realms does one stand down?

01.05.063

Harvey: [Angrily, to Pollyanna] Put him down this instant! After Alice, Private Scar, Private Sleaze, Private Dur, Private Dony, Private [Gestures vaguely to Nikki] Whoever-this-is, and Private Parker-Kensington, he's my best trooper! Though Private Dur and Private Parker-Kensington seem to have deserted...

01.05.064

Nikki: [Tries to grab her cake] Save the cakes!


;;; Poor dead, disrespected Charlie!

01.05.065

Dony: Does eatsing them count as savings dem? [Stuffs his face through the pain]

01.05.066

Austin : [Tries to grab his likeness from the cake and protect it. To Dony] Just make sure you swallow it whole! [Austin tries to do this with his likness]


;;; Have a great Christmas every peeps!

;;; back on the 8th Jan 2013 :)

01.05.067

Pollyanna: Here's how you stand down! [Bites the leg off Jordan's figure]

[Almost immediately, JORDAN's leg falls off and he falls to the ground.]

Pollyanna: [Menacingly] I'm going get me a blender! [Turns to the other figures]


;;; And there we will break for Christmas, have a great time everyone!

;;; We'll restart on January 7th

01.05.068

Alice: [Gobbing up some cake as she calls out] Noooo! Don't let her steal the lovely cake! [Leaps onto Pollyanna's back, just as Austin snatches the Austin figure]

01.05.069

Nikki: [Shrieks] Save the cakes! [Tries to grab as many of the people cakes as she can]

01.05.070

Dony: Oh! Sure..... NOW it's stabby time? [Tries to help Alice by stabbing at Pollyana if he can]

01.05.071

Harvey: [To Dony] Quite right, Private! [Attempts to grab some cakes, then notices how tasty they look] I say, perhaps just a nibble, what?

01.05.072

Jordan: [Screams in shock at seeing his leg just fall off]

01.05.073

[NIKKI grabs the remaining figures as DONY distracts POLLYANNA by stabbing her in the leg. Meanwhile, HARVEY grabs the rest of the cake.]

Alice: Let's get Jordan and Stinky and get the hell out of here!

01.05.074

Nikki: [Offers Jordan her arm] Here, let me help you!

01.05.075

Jordan: [Taking the help most graciously] Thanks Nikki!


;;; The way Nikki's post is worded, I can't help but wonder if her arm

is still attached or not when she offers it to Jordan.

01.05.076


;;; Dom is out today, but this is what he tried to do before the break

Austin: Eat your own figure! And do it whole! [Manages to swallow the entire Austin figure]

Pollyanna: You idiot! [Tries to grab at Nikki]

01.05.077

Nikki: [Tries to dodge Pollyanna] I don't want to think what might happen if this doesn't work! [Tries to eat her figure]

01.05.078

Jordan: Someone get mine for me!


;;; I think Pollyanna still has hold of it

01.05.079

[POLLYANNA misses grabbing NIKKI, and ALICE sinks her teeth into her calf.]

Alice: Let's see how YOU like it!

[POLLYANNA gives a shriek and drops JORDAN's figure, which AUSTIN scoops up.]

Austin: Quickly! Everyone eat your figures! They -- oh. Ow. Ow! [His face starts to get covered in blisters, as though being burned]

01.05.080

Jordan: Austin, you idiot! You're digesting yourself!

01.05.081

Austin: [Screams like a girl] Noooo!

Alice: Quickly! Make yourself sick! Think about Clint naked!

01.05.082

Jordan: I think that's enough to make anyone feel sick [mimics retching] I've got an idea! [makes his way, on one leg, to his lute as quick as he can, using it to cast Charm Person on Pollyanna as soon as he reaches it.]

01.05.083

Clint: Hey, I don't insult you, and your poetry is complete crap! [Prepares to attack Pollyanna if Jordan's spell fails.]


;;; So I've been on the phone with my cable provider for about 3 hours

over the past weekend, trying to get the blasted internet back up.

;;; Have tried two different computers to the router as well as straight

to the modem, two different ethernet cables, two different coax

;;; cables, and two different cable modems. I think I've finally got

them convinced it's not my fault! Hopefully I'll be able to get email

at home in the

;;; next couple of days. We'll see, eh?

01.05.084

Harvey: [Confused] I thought crap poetry was rather the point. [Tries to defend the remaining cakes]

01.05.085

Austin : [Starts crying as his face blisters and burns] Help meeee!

01.05.086

Alice: Make yourself sick, Aus! Come on, we've all done it at some stage, right?

Pollyanna: Die! You're all going to die! [Grabs a large knife that's near a huge, walk in fridge] Naughty! Naughty children! So dirty! Making me spend all my time cleaning!

01.05.087

Nikki: That's what all of this is about? Couldn't you just hire a maid?!

01.05.088

Austin : [To Alice] With a highly trained gag reflex like, mine, it should not be a problem! [Sticks two fingers down his throat to try to vomit his mini-self up]


;;; yep.

01.05.089

Pollyanna: [Enraged, to Nikki] Of course not! All that flouncy around speaking in fake French accents? They cause more uncleanliness with their filthy attitudes!

[AUSTIN expertly puts his fingers in his throat, almost immediately the floor is showered with steaks, chops, a soused pigs head, complete with apple, golden honeyed locusts, jellied eels, thrushes ankles, snakes feet, crispy popadoms and curried brussel sprouts.]

Alice: Wow, Aus! That was some party!

[Finally, an almost perfect icing figure of AUSTIN pops up and lands on top of the pile. POLLYANNA gasps in horror at the disgusting mess all over the floor.]

01.05.090

Austin : [Grabs his likeness if he can. To Pollyanna] Look what you made me do, you horrid witch! That's all your fault! [Tries to shoot Pollyanna]


;;; assuming we have weapons? I think we do,

01.05.091

Dony: [Continues to try stabbing at Polly] Whys wont this broad just die?


;;; Errr, also Dur asked me to convey the following message after Austin hurled up his cake. Ahem.... "Mmmmm, Cake!"

01.05.092

Clint: [Attacks Pollyanna as well.] It's an evil chick thing. [Glances at Dony.] I bet you've had an ex with the same problem!


;;; So, internet back, brand new modem is theoretically fully compatible with

;;; ISP and with service but refuses to activate, back to old cheap slow

;;; modem. *headache*

01.05.093

[AUSTIN shoots POLLYANNA, but the bullet just bounces off her and hits DONY, who's stabs also bounce off her.]

Pollyanna: Disgusting! Disgusting! [Starts to clean up the vomit]

Alice: Let's get out of here! [Looks at the disgusting pile of vomit] Thank God Dur isn't here!


;;; Just for you, Kevin!!

01.05.094

Nikki: [Gapes at the ineffective attacks] She must have some kind of weakness! [Watches Pollyanna cleaning, in a low voice] Maybe we need to make a huge mess, and she'll work herself to death?

01.05.095

Alice: You mean, like do a big jobbie in the middle of the floor?

01.05.096

Clint: [Unzips his pants.] I'm your man! [Finds a corner and does the unthinkable.]

01.05.097

[Before CLINT can get to his corner, POLLYANNA breaks another leg.]

Alice: Come on! Let's get out of here!

01.05.098

Nikki: [Watching Clint, horrified] Agreed! [Helps Jordan outside]

01.05.099

Austin : [Horrified at Clint, helps Nikki assist Jordan, by opening the door if he can] Help Mr Scar! We'll get Jordan out!

01.05.100

Harvey: I think Private Scar's fine! It's the contents of his underwear the rest of us should be worried about, what? [To the others] It's no longer safe here - this is a highly hazardous area! We must extract the civilians, what?

01.05.101

Clint: Come back here, you cowards! [Pulls his pants on and tries to cover the retreat as best he can.]

01.05.102

Alice: [To Austin] Hey! Why do I have to help Clint? His pants are almost off, ew! [Grabs the Austin figure from the pile of vomit]

[Somehow, everyone is bundled out the door that they first entered through.]

Pollyanna: Filth! Filth everywhere! Pure T filth! [Sets about cleaning the disgusting mess]


;;; End of scene, next one coming right up

01.06.001

[Book IX, Act I, Scene VI. Outside the house. ALICE, AUSTIN, CLINT, HARVEY, NIKKI, DONY and JORDAN are here, covered in cake and blood. JORDAN is missing a leg, but isn't bleeding, while both of CLINT's legs are broken and AUSTIN's face is covered in burns and blisters.]

Alice: Let's hide out in the shed! She's bound to come after us!

01.06.002

Nikki: [Tries to help Jordan to the shed] How can we stop her? Perhaps we could burn her house? The mess that would create would surely paralyze her!

01.06.003

Alice: Are we sure that the fire would hurt her? And what if she makes another cake with us on it?

01.06.004

Clint: [Dragging himself to the shed.] I think we need a distraction, then someone can sneak in, make a cake with *her* on it, and eat that!

01.06.004

Jordan: Not that quick she can't. Ah, that's it! We lure her out, then whichever of us can make a cake makes one with her on, then we destroy her icing model to kill her!

01.06.005

Alice: Brilliant, Jordan! Just brilliant! That's way better than Stinky's stupid idea!

[The party get into the shed, where ROMEO is waiting, still chained up.]

Romeo: So. Have some cake?

01.06.006

Last from Conor 5

Dony: [Cracking his knuckles loudly] Maybe dis guy knows how to take hers outses.

01.06.007

Jordan: Thanks Alice. [To Romeo] I didn't touch the cake.

01.06.008

Romeo: [Laughs] But Pollyanna did!

01.06.009

Austin : [Shakily putting cream on his face, looking horrified into his pocket mirror. To Jordan] Pass me my sugary likeness please, it may help to put some cream on that too.

01.06.010

[AUSTIN gets the figure and gently rubs cream on it. Incredibly, it seems to almost immediately heal it, and, seconds later, his face starts to get better. He still has some marks, but is clearly in less pain.]

Alice: Wow! Well done, Aus!

01.06.011

Nikki: [Excited] Can we repair Jordan and Clint, as well?

01.06.012

Austin : I hope so, but more importantly, why did I vomit up chops? I hate chops, lamb, pork or otherwise, I and I always chew well before swallowing [Ponders] Well, mostly.

01.06.013

Alice: Sure, but when the food is that delish, it's only natural to scarf it all back. Although... where did all those diced carrots come from. Thank God that Bonald is dead or you'd really be in trouble. So, who's going to try and fix Stinky and Jordy?

01.06.014

Austin : [Considers the issue] Well, do we have all of the requisite parts, or will we need to fashion some replacements?

01.06.014

Harvey: Quite. [Thinks] Well, I'm sure you'll do a good job, my dear!

01.06.014

Jordan: Good thinking. You may just well be able to reattach my leg. Now we just need to think of a distracti [pauses mid-word] who's Bonald?

01.06.015

Alice: Oh, just some guy... we were married for a while and I ate his brain, but you know, it wasn't really anything really serious.


;;; Heather's AFK

Nikki: I think we'll have to make our own ones. [Picks up a scoop of icing] Who's good at making legs?

01.06.016

Dony: Don't looks at me. I'ms only good at BREAKING legs!

01.06.017

Austin : [Donning some latex gloves] I shall fashion you the most beautiful legs anyone has ever seen. [Tries to sculpt some beautiful legs for the miniature, using his manicure kit]

01.06.018

Nikki: [Watching Austin, nodding approvingly] Great! [All business] Now, how are we going to create a diversion for Pollyanna? [Nods subtly at Romeo]

01.06.019

Romeo: We could have the place attacked by a zombie horde. That would catch her attention.

01.06.020

Harvey: So you have a zombie horde waiting somewhere, ready and willing to join in our attack as valuable allies? Well, why didn't you say so?!?

01.06.021

Romeo: Valuable allies? Uh, sure! [Pause] Uh, do any of you have any brain tumours or anything?

01.06.022

Clint: Check the poet!

01.06.023

Romeo: That's not you, right? 'cause I gotta say, both you and the other guy... well... you tasted a bit funky.

01.06.024

Clint: [Nods.] Haw! Then you won't be trying to eat us anymore. [Turns to the party.] And that's why you need a nice manly sense of hygiene!

01.06.025

Romeo: And do you all taste like that? [Looks disgusted] You people need to get checked out by a doctor!

01.06.026

Jordan: If it means you don't want to eat us then yes.

01.06.027

Austin : [To Jordan] He has already tried to eat us, and he will try again, and again. That's what zombies do! We should destroy him and put him out of his misery.

01.06.028

Romeo: Hey! Don't you judge me! I don't even want to eat you people. I thought humans were supposed to taste nice!

01.06.029

Nikki: [To Romeo] Would you like to help us destroy your cruel mistress, then?

01.06.030

Romeo: No! She's cruel, but it's all part of a sexy game! Now, if you want my help destroying Pollyanna, well then, that's a different matter. Me and the horde, we've got a few things we'd like to talk to her about.

01.06.031

Harvey: Um, well, excellent! I think....

01.06.032

Romeo: Great! Now, how are we going to kill her?

[AUSTIN has finished fashioning a new pair of legs for each of CLINT and JORDAN.]

Alice: [Looking at the legs] Wow! Very nice, Aus. Maybe a bit feminine, but very good. Should we just stick them on?

01.06.033

Nikki: Yes, we might as well attach them with a bit of icing! [Watches expectantly]

01.06.034

[AUSTIN delicately smoothens out JORDAN's leg. Almost instantly, the party can see the relief on JORDAN's face, and he leaps to his feet, cured.]

Alice: Yay! Well done, Aus!

01.06.035

Dony: Seems likes yous people should have a Doctor in your group!=20


;;; Ha!

01.06.036

Alice: Nah, we just got a Dur instead!

01.06.037

Austin : [Finishes the icing legs operations, removes his gloves and puts his manicure kit away. Admiring his work] Hmm, a little palm oil and sunshine and they will be perfect!

01.06.038

[AUSTIN sticks the legs to CLINT, and immediately, his legs grow back, albeit far more shapely and feminine than before.]

Alice: Why, Clint! Just as well it's almost bikini season!

01.06.039

Nikki: [Impressed, hands Austin her cake] Here, give me bigger breasts and a face lift!

01.06.040

Romeo: Hey! Don't you think it would be better to use that extra icing to make a figure of Pollyanna before she gets out? I mean, I know you're an ugly bint and all, but come on!

01.06.041

Harvey: Don't be ridicoulous, man! Now, give me a promotion to Field Marshal and be quick about it!

01.06.042

Alice: [Haughtily] Well, I'm perfectly happy with my appearance. Everything is big enough.

Romeo: Maybe he could take some of the icing off your ass and use it for her boobs?

Alice: Hey!

01.06.043

Nikki: Oh, yes! [To Austin] Whip up a little Pollyanna, would you? And, if there's any icing left over [waves her cake] . . . .

01.06.044

Austin : Fantastic idea! [Starts working on an icing Pollyanna] I will consider your other requests once this is done.

01.06.045

Romeo: So, now that we're all groanies, how about letting me free? [Gestures to a key off to one side]

01.06.046

Austin : [To Romeo] We will have to wait and see if we have enough icing left.

01.06.047

Jordan: Thank you very much Austin [tests out the new legs] if only we had time to fix my back. [Looks to Romeo] We'd love to set you free, but last time we spoke you wanted to eat us, you tried to eat us in fact. How do we know it's safe for us to let you go?

01.06.048

Romeo: Because I hated the taste of you people! And anyway, how do you think you're going to get even close to her house without being spotted?

01.06.049

Jordan: I hate to say it, but Romeo here does make some valid points. [To Harvey] What do you say Colonel sir?

01.06.050

Harvey: Hmm, we could disguise ourselves, what?


;;; Hometime!

01.06.051

Nikki: Couldn't we [grimaces] gouge out her cake eyes? Perhaps remove her ears and nose, too?

01.06.052

Alice: And why can't we do it from the comfort of our own [looks around] uh, shack?

Romeo: Because it only works inside the house. That's why she had to get you in there.

01.06.053

Austin : But I just made new legs for Jordan and Mr Scar, and that worked out just fine!

01.06.054

Romeo: Sure but their figures were created in the house, not in here!

01.06.055

Austin : Perhaps we should burn the house down!

01.06.056

Romeo: You know what would help with that? Letting me free!

01.06.057

Nikki: [Looking at Romeo] What do you guys think? Should I let him go? You're the experts on [vaguely] adventuring!

01.06.058

Austin : Certainly not! He has done nothing to us but lie and try to eat us!

01.06.059

Dony: [Disinterested] Besides that, where the funses in stabbing a guys that's already dead!

01.06.060

Clint: I figure we let him go, because if nothing else, it'll really torque Polly off!

01.06.061

Romeo: Hey! When did I ever lie to you people? I never did! Not once!

01.06.062

Nikki: [In a low voice] It would create a distraction if we let him go, wouldn't it?

01.06.063

Clint: [In a normal voice.] Haw! It sure would. Particularly if he promises to attack the house or something like that!

01.06.064


;;; Drew is out today

Jordan: But can he be trusted?

Alice: Maybe we could ask Pollyanna? She's heading this way!

01.06.065

Nikki: [Gasps] Hurry, let's let him free! [Tries to free Romeo]

01.06.066

Romeo: Good idea!

[NIKKI frees ROMEO.]

Romeo: Quickly! We've got to get out of here!

01.06.067

Austin : [Alarmed] Where to?

01.06.068

Clint: Around the back, of course!

01.06.067

Harvey: Ah, a tactical withdrawal, eh? Good plan, what?


;;; Sorry, folks, been busy at work!

01.06.069

Romeo: As far away from that crazy bitch as possible!

Alice: Hey! I'm standing right here, you know!

Romeo: That's what I'm afraid of! [Heads out the back] Come on, you'll be safe with the zombie horde!

01.06.070

Austin : That sounds both unlikely and very, very foolish! [Follows]

01.06.071

Clint: [To Romeo] You think you can talk them into helping us with Pollyanna? [Practices shambling, in case he needs to disguise himself as a zombie.]

01.06.072

Romeo: You think they're just gonna eat you instead? I'm sorry, no offence, but even zombies have their standards. You people are just too disgusting!

01.06.073

Austin : [To the party and others] Do you think that we can trust him? I don't!

01.06.074


;;; Heather is out today

Nikki: Probably not, but he's still more trustworthy than Pollyanna! Maybe we should figure out a plan before meeting this horde?

01.06.075

Dony: [Agitated] There is entirely too much talking going on and not nearlyenough stabbings!

01.06.076

Austin : Well, we need to keep Pollyanna out of the house whilst we go into the house and make an icing likeness of her, then you can do some stabbing.

01.06.077

Alice: The word, Austin, is stabbingses, right's, Dony?

01.06.078

Dony: Now? [Getses his knifeses ready] =20

01.06.079

Alice: Soonses!

[Exit ALL, into a dense wood behind the shed.]


;;; Endses of Sceneses!

01.06.078

Clint: Less talking, more getting the hell out of here! [Heads after Romeo.]

01.07.001

[Book IX, Act I, Scene VII. Beyond The Woods. ALICE, AUSTIN, CLINT, HARVEY, JORDAN, NIKKI and DONY are here, along with ROMEO. They have passed through a very dense wooded area and come out to a large clearing. Off in the distance they can see what appear to be thousands of figures waiting.]

Romeo: Now, I don't want you guys embarrassing me in front of my horde!

01.07.002

Clint: Haw! Then we won't ask why your horde didn't come rescue you!

01.07.003

Harvey: Quite! Now, Private Romeo, if you'll just have them form up, I'll inspect my new army, what?

01.07.004

Romeo: [Defensively] Hey! They're a horde! They're really busy! Anyway, I'm sure they're frantically coming up with plans to rescue me as we speak. [To Harvey] And they don't [with disgust] form up, they RAMPAGE!

01.07.005

Clint: That's my kind of horde! As long as they rampage when and where we need them to, anyway.

01.07.006

[A zombie, MERCUTIO MERCO, comes shambling up the party.]

Mercutio: Mm-mm! Something smells nice!

Romeo: 'sup, Merc. I'm baaack!

Mercutio: Uh... that's great, Dave.

Romeo: Romeo!

Mercutio: Yeah! That's what I meant! I see you brought some take-away! Bagsies I get the fat one!

01.07.007

Clint: [Shambling.] You wouldn't like him. Tastes like old people!

01.07.008

Mercutio: Him? [Peers at Alice] She almost looks like a female to me.

Alice: Hey!

01.07.009

Clint: Oh, *that* one! Tastes like cheap perfume.

01.07.010

Austin : [To Clint] And how would you know, Mr Scar? You clearly have no olfactory capability and besides, how long have you been a zombie for?

01.07.011

Nikki: [To Clint, relieved] Oh YOU'RE a zombie, too?! That explains a lot. [To Austin] I didn't think a living being could smell like that, but reanimated flesh--possibly!

01.07.012

Alice: [Scoffs] Of course he's a zombie! Poor brain power? Inarticulate mumbling? Laughable motor skills? I mean, either this guy's a zombie or he's and Irishman who's been thrown out of a bar at 4AM!

01.07.013

Harvey: [Shocked] But he's never once eaten my brains! [Thinks] At least, I don't think so...

01.07.014

Alice: [Reassuringly] Don't worry, Harvey, you'd definitely remember if he'd eaten your medial temporal lobe!

Mercutio: So, do you want to come over to our camp for the feeding frenzy? Or would you prefer us to chase you while you run away screaming?

01.07.015

Nikki: [Muses] I suppose the second one? Could you perhaps be sporting about it and chase us to Pollyanna's home, at least?

01.07.016

Clint: [Shambling.] Grr. Argh! [To the party.] Get running already!

01.07.017


;;; Drew's out for a few days

Jordan: Hey! Hang on a second! [Throws a rock at Romeo] You said you'd help us!

[Bonk. The rock hits ROMEO.]

Romeo: Ow! Look, there's no need to be mean about it! [To Mercutio] It's true, they want the same thing as us!

01.07.018

Clint: [Nods.] It's true! I bet Pollyanna tastes great! All that baking, that sort of thing.

01.07.019

Mercutio: And I guess she is the one who has turned us all into zombies in the first place. [Fixes the party with a steely glare] How do we know you won't suddenly turn against us and start eating our brains?

01.07.020

Nikki: Well, most of us are on diets [points discreetly at Alice and Harvey] , and the rest of us are much slower [gestures to herself and Jordan] and stupider [gestures to the rest of the group, including Alice and Harvey again] than you. So, what chance do we have?!

01.07.021

Clint: Besides, what kind of weird living person eats a brain? That's a classic zombies only thing! C'mon, what do you have to lose? [Shambles.]

01.07.022

Mercutio: Okay, okay! You've got a deal. What's the plan?

01.07.023

Clint: [Puzzled, and shambling.] We eat Pollyanna! Grr! Argh! Braaaaains! Plans? Zombies don't need no stinking plans!

01.07.024

Austin : Well there is a first time for everything. The plan is that we all rush and attack Pollyanna whilst she is out of the house. While she is distracted, a small group of us sneaks into the house and one of them who is well versed in making icing miniatures of people, makes and icing miniature of Pollyanna, then we kill her! [Pauses] I happen to be highly skilled at sculpting icing miniatures.

01.07.025

Mercutio: [Irritably to Clint] Of course we need plans! Zombies are a highly organized collective. We always analyse everything meticulously. You think a horde like this just happens? [To Austin] Good plan, but where will we get a camel at this hour of the night? On a Sunday?

01.07.026

Austin : [Flustered] Camel? What are you talking about? We don't need any camels!

01.07.027

Nikki: [Shudders] The secret ingredient of the icing isn't CAMELS, is it?!

01.07.028

Mercutio: Of course not! [To Austin] You quite clearly said that we need a camel to built the boat, [to Romeo] didn't he?

Romeo: I thought he said that nothing would happen until after the fish ate the burger.

[Awkward silence.]

Alice: Er, so I guess zombies aren't the best plan makers, after all!

01.07.029

Nikki: [Wisely] Perhaps it's merely that they do not hear well, what with rotting ears to cope with!

01.07.028

Harvey: [Musing wistfully] Ah, I remember the nomadic nomads of... well, I forget the name of the place, but anyway they made ice cream by cooling camel spit. Phili only knows how they did it, what?

01.07.030

Alice: [To Harvey, disgusted] Camel spit?


;;; Drew's still out

Jordan: I don't think it was Camel SPIT. I had some. It was surprisingly good. [Gives a slight jerk as though his back spasms]

01.07.031

Harvey: [To Alice] Oh, yes. They were experimenting with the semen and snot for more variety, what? Oh, and they had this wonderful beer as well. [Frowns] Wasn't sure about the dumplings, though...

01.07.032

Dony: That's disgustinges! Yous guys eat this crapses?

01.07.033

Harvey: Well, as I said, I wasn't impressed with the dumplings, so I didn't have many of them, what?

01.07.034

Jordan: [Laughs at Dony's discomfort] It was great. And anyway, the ice cream was really melty, so it was more of a drink than a meal.

01.07.035

Clint: [To Mercutio.] Say, what you guys been eating recently. Maybe I'll stick with you! Now, my faithful horde, to the cabin! [Shambles that way, hoping the zombies will just sort of follow.]

01.07.036

[Incredibly, they do start to follow.]

Alice: Incredible! Come on, let's do the same. [Starts shamble, zombie-like after them]

Mercutio: [Stops, aghast] Oh my God! You are so racist!

01.07.037

Austin : [Walking gracefully] Just give her a chance, she has only just met your people and is trying to fit in!

01.07.038

Clint: Braaaaaains! [Aside, to Alice.] Don't give the horde a reason to eat you!


;;; Huh. So in a hurry, "horde" can get typed as "horse." Good to know!

01.07.039

Romeo: Oh, so now we're [finger quotes] you people?

01.07.040

Austin : [Indignantly] I said 'your people'.


;;;awa hame

01.07.041

Romeo: Hey! That's OUR word!!

01.07.042

Clint: Less talking, more rampaging!


;;; Someone should probably double-check the email addresses to make

sure I got

;;; everyone without typos.

01.07.043

[The party and the horde advance through the wood, and soon come out on the other side, near the barn of POLLYANNA's house.]

01.07.044

Dony: [Looking frightfully gleeful] I senses some stabbinses coming upses!


;;; Is it just me or is DOny starting to sound more like Gollum?

01.07.045


;;; Heather's afk

Nikki: [To Romeo] Tell the horde to be quiet for a moment, we need to plot what we'll do next!

01.07.046

Clint: That's easy! The horde rampages, and we sneak in and then the lawyer here makes an icing miniature of Pollyanna, and then Alice eats it. Problem solved!

01.07.047

Alice: Why do I have to eat it?

Romeo: Because you seem to have eaten everything else! Am I right? [Looks to the horde for validation] See what I'm getting at? By suggesting she's eaten everything else, I'm implying that she's fat. Pretty slick, eh?

01.07.048

Austin : [Considers this] Hmm, a zombie with a death wish. What dedication!

01.07.049

Clint: If there are no more silly questions... [To the horde.] Let's rampage! [Tries to get the horde moving forward again.]

01.07.049


;;; Gone for the day!

01.07.049


;;; Wow, I go for a couple of games of pool and suddenly everyone wakes up!

01.07.050

Jordan: [Holding his back for a moment, sounding irritated] Yes, no more silly questions, or I will be forced to stab someone. In the eye. With a spoon.

01.07.051

Alice: Wow, Jordan, you're such a bad boy!

01.07.052

Dony: Hey! Stabbingses is my jobses!

01.07.053

Nikki: [To Dony] There is enough stabbing for everyone, I'm sure!

01.07.054

Clint: Spoken like a true academic!

01.07.055

Alice: So what'll we do? Go around the back of the house and wait for the zombies to attack?

01.07.055


;;; Out today because of the weather

01.07.056

Austin : Sounds like a splendid plan colonel! [Pats Harvey on the back. Winks to Alice]

01.07.057


;;; John is out today

Harvey: Ah, by the saints, Private Sleaze, I'm glad you're finally paying attention! Now, [to Romeo] You, Giles, isn't it? Get your men to charge with reckless abandon towards the house! [To the party] The rest of you, get ready for sneaking up behind Pollyanna's backdoor!

01.07.058

Clint: [Nods to the zombies.] Go on, guys. Me and my friends'll take it from there!

01.07.059

Alice: Uh, okay. Bye, Clint!

01.07.060

Clint: Cute, Bimbo, reeeeal cute.

01.07.061

Alice: I know I am, Stinky, but what are you??

01.07.062

Nikki: [To the horde] Well, don't just stand there, get to rampaging!

01.07.063

Jordan: [To Alice] He's stinky. [To Harvey] Colonel, I believe you have an assault to lead. [To Austin] Since you are our cook for today, if you can't read the ingredients labels let me know, I'll be grabbing my lute once we are back in there, and as all good magic users should, I know Read Magic.

01.07.064

Alice: I know he is, but what am I? [Looks puzzled]

01.07.065

Jordan: [Through gritted teeth] Well cute isn't exactly the word I'd use!

01.07.066

Austin : [To Jordan, deadpan] Well then, what word would you use? Or is it too complicated and clever for us to comprehend?

01.07.067

Alice: He means that cute isn't strong enough? [Big smile] Aw!

01.07.068

Nikki: [Regards the party with disgusted amusement] No wonder Charlie's publication rate dropped so dramatically after joining this group!

01.07.069

Jordan: I completely agree Nikki. [To Austin] How about, blonde?


;;; Heather sorry you got this one twice. First time I sent to only

you by mistake.

01.07.070

Harvey: I really don't see that's relevant, what? [To Jordan, pointedly] And I remind you that we have an assault to carrry out, what?

01.07.071

Jordan: Exactly Colonel. We are simply awaiting your order {to the rest] aren't we troop?!

01.07.072

Austin : [To Harvey] Colonel, the new recruits appear to require you to issue a simple order before acting, one that they can all understand and will cause them to initiate action. Perhaps shouting 'charge' would suffice.

01.07.073

Alice: Agreed, Aus! I mean, it's not exactly pocket science, is it? In fact, I'll do it. [Bellows] Chaaaaange! [Thinks for a moment] Huh. Well, you know what I mean!


;;; End of scene, next one coming up!

01.08.001

[Book IX, Act I, Scene VIII. The Back Door. ALICE, AUSTIN, CLINT, HARVEY, DONY, NIKKI and JORDAN are here, hiding behind a bush that's far too small to obscure even one of them. They can see the zombies lumbering and shuffling across the front garden.]

Alice: This is gonna be great!

01.08.002

Jordan: Okay, once she's out we all make haste for the door. Alice and Nikki, you help Austin if he needs it. Clint and Dony, you two protect the front door from the inside in case she tries to get back in. Colonel, you and I will guard the back door once inside in case she doubles back. Austin, you know what to do.

01.08.003

Nikki: [Admiringly] Why, Jordan, you are quite commanding! [Thoughtfully] You know, we could really use your leadership on the library acquisitions committee at Harbridge!

01.08.004

Jordan: [Grinning like he has just had his ego stroked] Why thank you Nikki. If we make it out of here alive, I'll give it great consideration. [Looking towards the front of the house] Eyes sharp team, she could leave any second now. We must be ready to move at any given moment.

01.08.005

Alice: Actually, I think he has a great career ahead of him in adventuring!

[POLLYANNA rushes out of the house towards the zombies, smashing several of them to pieces with a rolling pin.]

Pollyanna: Naughty! Naughty!

01.08.006

Jordan: [Quietly so Pollyanna doesn't hear, but loud enough for the party to hear] This is it, everyone remember your positions. Move out!

01.08.007

[The party rush to the back door and sneak in. The kitchen is as it was before, with plenty of baking materials and utensils laid out. Also there is a new cake with all the party on it. This time the figures are in a heap, looking like they've been killed.]

Alice: Mm! It looks delish!

01.08.008

Jordan: No eating the cake this time, or I'll let Dony stab whoever eats cake. [Grabs his lute] Everyone take their positions. [To Austin] Don't forget to let me know if you need help with reading those labels.

01.08.006

Austin : [Watching Pollyanna] I rather like her. [Pauses] Apart from the torturing us and killing us bit of course. [To the party] Let's go! [Tries to sneak into the house]

01.08.009

Austin : [To Jordan] No thank you. Unlike most of your friends and acquaintances, I am literate. [Takes the party's figures off the cake for safe keeping and starts work on a Pollyanna, if there is not already one there]

01.08.010

Jordan: [Groans in frustration] Even my literate friends and acquaintances can't read magic, whereas I can. In case you have forgotten [sarcastically] good sir, this entire kitchen, baking ingredients and all, are screaming with magic.

01.08.011

Austin : Well please go ahead and start reading and investigating.

01.08.012

Nikki: [Panicky] Do we really have time for this? We must hurry!

01.08.013

Jordan: [To Nikki] No, we don't, the offer was only if he couldn't read what they said. Get baking already Austin, times is a wasting.


;;; Okay that's it from me today. Been ordered to bed by the

girlfriend. I've gone hyper from no sleep all night and it's scaring

her lol

01.08.013

Dony: Yeahs! Picks it up guyses. So little time, so many people to stabses!

01.08.014

Clint: Just one, and we don't even really need to stab her, if this works!


;;; Man, when you guys restart, you don't mess around!

01.08.015

Harvey: But keep your weapons to hand just in case, Troop!

01.08.016

Alice: Myeah, mo meating make. [Translation -- "Yeah, no eating cake", said with a mouthful of cake]

[AUSTIN quickly fashions quite a fine looking POLLYANNA.]

01.08.017

Clint: Good job, lawyer, but now what? Do we need to bake anything or can we just, y'know, tear her in half or something?

01.08.018

Alice: Maybe someone should take a taste, you know, just in case?

01.08.019

Clint: The sacrifices I make for you guys! [Takes a corner off of Pollyana's leg and takes a taste.]

01.08.020

[A scream from outside suggests that POLLYANNA is less than happy about this.]

Alice: Give me a taste! [Bites off a piece of hand] Mm! Nice work, Aus!

01.08.021

Dony: Can I stabses the cakeses now?

01.08.022

Harvey: Why not eh? Cut us all a slice!

01.08.022

Clint: As long as you stab the figurine too! [Tears off a leg and eats it, being sure to chew thoroughly.]

01.08.023

Dony: [Grinning wickedly] Huzzah! [Pulls out a second switchblade and triesto dice the cake into small individual slices, albeit violently]

01.08.024

Nikki: [Excited] Oh, can I have the head? Can I have the head?!

01.08.025

Dony: Hey, whatever you wantses toots.

01.08.026

Clint: [Obligingly tears off the head and hands it to Nikki.]

01.08.027

[More screaming from POLLYANNA as the party tuck into quite the most delicious icing they've ever tasted. They go to the window where they see the zombies tearing her apart.]

Pollyanna: [Looks at the party, just as she's being savaged by the zombies] You fools! You've no idea what you've done! None at all!

Alice: Uh, I think we've just killed you.

Pollyanna: Oh, well, maybe you do, but it's worse than that. There's moooooooooo... [tails off as she dies]

01.08.028

Nikki: [Gasps] We've turned her into a cow?!

01.08.029

Alice: I don't know, Nik. She was a bit of a cow to begin with!

01.08.030

Clint: So, mission accomplished. Let's get the hell out of here before our friends out front do something stupid!

01.08.031

Alice: Oh, come on, Stinky! What do you think they might do?

Romeo: [Looks up from the remains of Pollyanna] Let's kill them!

Alice: Oh. I see.

01.08.032

Nikki: [To Clint, exasperated] I thought these were your people?! Make them leave us alone!

01.08.033

Clint: [To the zombies.] Hey! What gives, guys? [To the party, aside.] Run! [To Nikki, even more aside.] And I don't have to outrun the zombies, I just have to outrun you! [Edges back toward the rear exit.]

01.08.034

Alice: Damn you, Stinky! Nikki, you should be ashamed, being outsmarted by Clint, of all people!

[CLINT edges out the back, only to be seized upon by MERCUTIO.]

Mercutio: Going somewhere? [Tries to bite Clint]

01.08.034

Austin : But what about these! [Shows the party the dead and dismembered icing figures that Pollyanna made] This can't be good, I need to fix them [Starts fixing his own figure] Barricade the doors and windows!

01.08.035

Starts fixing his own figure] Barricade the doors and windows!

Dony: It's stabingses timses! [Tries to jam a switchblade into Mercutio's mouth]

01.08.036

[MERCUTIO bites off DONY's stabbingses hand.]

Mercutio: Mm! Tastieses!

Alice: They're not broken, Aus, she just made them look like we're dead! [Stabs Mercutio with her sword] Give that back this instant!

01.08.037

Clint: [Attacks Mercutio.] Whatever you're doing, guys, do it fast! We're kind of outnumbered here!

01.08.038

Dony: Owses, my handses! [Cradles his now bloody stump]


;;; Ha! Where is Dur when you need a cleric with "Turn Undead" ?

01.08.039


;;; Probably eating something disgusting!

Alice: [To Clint] Whatever we're doing? We were waiting for you to do something!

Mercutio: [Gets slashed by Clint] Ow! [Calls to the other zombies] Romeo was wrong, you guys! They taste great!

[The rest of the horde advance to the front door.]

01.08.040

Austin : [Tries to make the party's figures look alive, starting with himself, then Alice] Just give me a bit more time!

01.08.041

Harvey: Well, hurry up, man! [Attacks the nearest zombie]

01.08.042

Nikki: [To Austin, grabbing a rolling pin to whack a zombie with] Why not make us much bigger and more formidable, while you're at it?!

01.08.043

Dony: Maybe we can burnses this place upses? [Tries to club Mercutio with his stump

01.08.042

Clint: [Attacks the zombies, trying to maneuver his way to a position where he can hold the rear door and bar it shut, given half a chance... and a bar!] Where's a lawnmower when we need one?

01.08.043

Austin : Good idea! One of our magic users could make these figures grow bigger? [Looks from Dur to Jordan. Then starts making himself a little suit of armor from baking foil]

01.08.044

Jordan: What the hell do you expect me to do? Use more icing, you idiot! [Throws a chair at the nearest zombie]

Alice: Look! There's a lawnmower outside! [Disappointed] One of the zombies is about to smash the door down with it!

01.08.045

Nikki: Hurry, let's barricade the door! [Tries to barricade the door with a chair]

01.08.046

Clint: Don't forget the other doors! And the windows! [Keeps trying to hold the zombies back so the party has time to do something spectacularly clever.]

01.08.047

[The front door bursts open, and the zombies pour in. ROMEO grabs NIKKI and bites her.]

Romeo: Hey! They do taste good!

Alice: [Stabs Romeo] Holy crap! What the hell are we going to do?

[Another zombie bites ALICE.]

Zombie: Ew! This ones tastes like crap!

[The zombies advance menacingly. Suddenly, there is a flash of light, and the party disappear.]

Mercutio: Oh, now, really. That's just rude!


;;; End of scene, next one coming right up!

01.09.001

[Book IX, Act I, Scene IX. The Waiting Room. ALICE, AUSTIN, CLINT, HARVEY, JORDAN, NIKKI and DONY are here, along with JEAN MAJEUR.]

Jean: [Looking up from his clipboard] Ah! Well done. You were much quicker than I expected! It's just as well I got back from my coffee break early than usual!

01.09.002

Dony: Well, most of us made it backses! [Waving around his bloody stump!]

01.09.003

Nikki: And I was bitten! I do hope this doesn't mean I shall become the walking dead, though it would be quite interesting in some ways, from an academic perspective!

01.09.004

Clint: Well, just wait until you're about 80 and still clinging to that tenured position and you'll know exactly what it's like!

01.09.004


;;; out for the day guys. Be good!

01.09.002

Harvey: Well, a speedy withdrawal was necessary, what?

01.09.003

Austin : And no one likes a speedy withdrawal.

01.09.004

Nikki: [Snorts appreciatively at Austin's comment] Oh GOD, no! [Lights up a cigarette] So, am I becoming a zombie or what?

01.09.005

Alice: If it was a speedier withdrawl, then neither you nor Dony would have been bitten, right?

Jean: [Dimissively] Oh, you'll be fine! Now, Pollyanna is dead, right? Do you have her head?

01.09.006

Nikki: [Proudly] Hell yeah, she's dead! I ate her head myself! [Sheepishly] Sorta.

01.09.007

Jean: Hm. Well, I can see that someone ate it, so I guess it's safe to give you a receipt. [Takes out a small adding machine and starts totting things up] Hm, add the leg, subtract a head, multiply by the screaming, and yes, I can see you've got some change due.

01.09.008

Nikki: [Uncertainly] Great! Maybe you could just hail us a cab and keep the change? I mean, how the hell do we get out of here?

01.09.009

Jean: [Laughs] Don't be ridiculous! What would I do with a llama and a fedora?

01.09.010

Austin : Don't you use money? [Looks at the party in disbelief]

01.09.011

Jean: Of course not! We're dealing with people from different dimensions every day, so money would be meaningless! There are only three things that people understand. Livestock, clothing and demonology.

01.09.012

Nikki: [Nods] Sure, that seems practical. But you ARE going to send us back to our dimension, right?

01.09.014

Clint: Let's call them Seth A and Seth B, to avoid confusion!

01.09.015

Alice: Which one is A and which is B?

01.09.013

Jean: Of course!

Alice: Speaking of demonology. I've got a question. What happened to Phili? [To the party] When he changed from being Seth to Phili, the original Phili became Seth, right? Now that Jerome is Phili, what happened? Do we now have two Seths?

01.09.016

Clint: Well, obviously the one who was Seth first is A! I suppose we could just ask Jerry if there are two Seths, though.

01.09.017

Nikki: [Baffled] Two Philis? Two Seths? Who's Jerry?

01.09.018

Harvey: And who is in Jerome's body?

01.09.019

Alice: Uh, Jerome?

Jean: Having multiple devils is the least of your worries. There are way worse things coming.

01.09.020

Clint: Yeah, one of the devils might have mentioned that. Be more specific!

01.09.021

Jean: You want to keep an eye out for the Baceks.

01.09.022

Nikki: [Puzzled] The Baceks? You mean the couple from the Physics Department at Harbridge? Sure, they're dull, but harmless enough!

01.09.023

Jean: No, not the Baczecks, the Baceks. Now, I don't have any more time. Get your llama, hat and girl, and you I'll send you back to your own world.

01.09.024

Clint: What are we going to do with a llama? Feed it to Dur, if we can find him?

01.09.025

Nikki: [Horrified] What girl? You mean like a sex slave girl?

01.09.026

Jean: About ... [struggles to contain laughter] about... three carriages! [Shrieks with laughter so hard that there are tears of milk in his eyes, but then stops] Hm. That doesn't make any sense at all.

01.09.026


;;; Called out so no posts today, apologies for the short notice

01.09.027


;;; Drew is out this morning

Jordan: [Irritably] Just get on with it. Where is this slavegirl?

Jean: It's up to you if you make her a slave or not, but [points behind the party] she's there.

[Everyone turns to look. There stands CHARLIE, looking perfectly healthy.]

01.09.028

Austin : [Gasps] Charlie! Is that really you? [Rushes over to hug her, but gives her a light pat on the back]

01.09.029

Charlie: [Disoriented, absently pats Austin's back] Thank you, but what do you mean? Did I disappear? What happened?!

01.09.030

Alice: Oh, come on you two! [Grabs the two and initiates a group hug] Come on, everyone, group hug!

Jordan: [Rolls his eyes] No.

01.09.031

Charlie: [Hugs Alice and then gasps] Wait, I remember, there was a gate and-- [horror stricken] where is Pestilence? Have you found Wilhelmina?

01.09.032

Alice: Er, well, we've got some good news and some bad news.

01.09.033

Charlie: [Alarmed] What did he do?! [Hopefully] I mean, whatever he did, it didn't end the world. Right? [Panicky] Oh, WHAT is the bad news?!

01.09.034

Alice: Actually, I think he kind of saved the world. But that's not that bad news.

01.09.035

Austin : No, it isn't, it's rather good news.

01.09.036

Alice: So, uh, someone else's turn? Aus, you want to go next?

01.09.036

Charlie: [Teary-eyed] He did? [Looks around] But where is he now? And where is Wilhelmina? [Growing worried] Oh, dear! She wasn't hurt, was she?

01.09.037

Alice: Well, SHE wasn't hurt!

01.09.038

Charlie: [Relieved] Thank GOD! I must find her at once. She must be terrified-- [stops abruptly and turns pale. Frantically] Wait, you haven't told me ANY bad news yet. Is Pestilence--hurt?

01.09.039

Alice: I'm sorry, Charlie, but he's dead. And Wilhelmina has gone on a killing spree. And a whole bunch of losers from Hallbridges were killed.

Jean: And don't forget, the Baceks means that the world is going to end in 287 days.

[Stamps a receipt.]

Jean: The llama and hat will be waiting for you on the other side.