[Book IX, Act I, Scene I. The Dark Cave. ERNIE BROWN, a sixty-something security guard is here, searching around. He finally locates a torch and lights it up. The cave is about 20' square and has five chests. There is one path leading out.]

Ernie: [Petrified] Oh my good heck. What is happening here?

[There's a flash of light. Enter GILL GREEN, a six foot six inch long haired guy with his pants down around his ankles.]

Ernie: Oh my good HECK! [Takes some pills]

<P><http://queens-view.com:83/wiki/index.php/Ernie_Brown>Ernie Brown</A> <P><A href=http://queens-view.com:83/wiki/index.php/Gill_Green>Gill Green</A>


Gill: Dude, don't bogart the pills! Save some for me. [Giggles] Dude, you look like some middle-aged dork. What happened to you?


Ernie: Well... I ... I don't know what you mean! [Shields his eyes from Gill's crotch] Uh, you wanna pull up those pants, sir?

[There's another flash of light. Enter CAROLINE BLACK, a woman in her late thirties wearing a bride gown.]


Gill: Woooo! Now we got a party! [To Caroline, attempting to put an arm around her as he addresses her] Hey, baby, where are the other groupies?


Ernie: Sir! Please! Put your pants on and leave the bride alone!


Caroline: [Pulling away] What's going on? Who are you people?

[Another flash of light, and TOBY WHITE, a depressed looking teenager, appears.]


Toby: [Looks around and looks even more depressed] Where's my poetry book gone? [Sees Gill with his pants down] I'm going to die.


Ernie: Easy son, no one's going to die! [To Gill, slowly] Why don't you put the penis away?


Toby: We're not? [Seems to get even more depressed] There goes my apathetic mood. Now I'm really depressed


Harvey: Oh, some people! Just be glad you have friends for company.


;;; Let's ignore the other 1.1.10!

Ernie: Chin up, son, er, maybe something awful is going to happen to us?


Toby: [Sullenly] I'm not your son

;;; That's my 3


Gill: [Suddenly alert] He's not mine, either! You can't prove it! [Idly goes to fiddle with his crotch and then giggles] Oh, right! [Pulls up his pants] Hey, where'd that other groupie go? The one I was giving the best night of her life, just a second ago?


Toby: Groupie? [Looks at Gill with disgust] I suppose you think you are some musician? You're nothing like My Chemistry Romantic's. [Searches his pockets for some tobacco to smoke] Now I'm all stressed and need to calm down before I start cutting myself, again.


Ernie: [Raising his voice] Calm down, okay? Everyone needs to just CALM DOWN!


Gill: Hell yeah, I'm a musician! And we don't need to calm down, we need to PARTY DOWN! [Throws an arm around Toby's neck] Come on, you sad little freak. I'm gonna show you how to live! [Bellows] ROCK AND ROLL!!! [Staggers and then vomits all over Ernie]


Caroline: Especially you! I need a drink.


Ernie: [Horrified] What in the good heck is wrong with you? [Takes some more pills]


Toby: [Lazily tries to shrug Gill off just before he vomits] I'd rather slit my own throat after cutting my wrists open. Then go all stabby rip stab stab on my heart [continues searching pockets for tobacco] than rock and roll. You won't catch me jumping around at shows.


Ernie: [Trying to wipe the puke off himself] What is wrong with you people?

[Another flash of light. A nervous looking woman, SALLY PLUM, appears.]


Toby: [Finds the tobacco and lights up a smoke] oh god [seeing the flash of light] Sally Plum, that's all I need.


Gill: [Wipes the puke from his mouth with the back of his hand. Offers Sally his hand] Hey, baby! Were you the one who's daughter I was giving it to just a minute ago?


Caroline: [Looks Sally up and down in disgust] Oh, look who it is!


Sally : [Blushes at Gill's comment] Oh Gosh! [Laughs nervously] Neaaaah!


Ernie: Wait a minute! Do you people know each other?


Toby: [To Caroline] You know Sally too? [Continues to smoke] I know Sally [points to her] she's my mothers friend.


Gill: [Confused] Hey, how'd you guys get backstage, anyway? And where's the young, good-looking groupies?


Ernie: Look, sonny, we're not backstage, we're in some creepy cave! I don't know what sort of filthy cheese you've been taking, but sober up!


Gill: [Groans] Oh, duuuude! You're HARMA, right? Man, you guys really know how to harsh my buzz!


Sally : [To Ernie] Are you a member of HARMA? [Laughs nervously] Naaaahaha! Ever such nice people! [Glances at the other to see if they approve, avoiding Gill]


Ernie: No, I'm not! [Turns away] They're entrance exam is really, really hard!


Caroline: And whose idea was it to invite the horse? I blame the drunk! Now, where did I put my drink?


Toby: {Sulkily] Pity, I would have had to kill myself if you were. Might kill myself anyway, just because you deprived me an excuse to kill myself. We're all going to die in here, there's no way out [hasn't even looked to see if there is]


Ernie: What horse? Look, we need to figure out what the heck is going on!


Toby: Probably a HARMA experiment of come kind [finishes the tobacco] ugh, I need my favorite crayon, has anyone seen it?


Sally : [To Ernie] Oh well, perhaps you could re-sit the HARMA entrance exam, they are terribly nice people, after all. [Glances at the others, swallowing nervously. Looks around the cave sheepishly]


Sally : [Nervous laughter] Naaaaah! [Glances at the others] Perhaps we should look in these boxes? Perhaps?


Gill: Good idea, babe! I'll bet it's our costumes for the gig! [Goes to open one of the chests]


Ernie: Great idea!

[Before GILL gets to the chest, there's another burst of light. Enter DONY GREEN, a sleazy looking man in a cheap suit.]


Dony: What tha' frack! [Pulls out a switchblade while looking around] Not ones a you moves, gots it! Nots til I get somes answers!

;;; That's how gangsters talk right? :p


;;; Sure!

Ernie: [Holds his hands up] Please! No! I've got a heart condition!


Caroline: Oh, is that what you call it? [To Dony] Please, kill me, it will be the highlight of my day.


Ernie: The Second National Bank in Apraxia! You come for the interest we pay on your money, but you stay for the interest we show in you!


RG9ueTogKGxhdWdocykgTGlrZSBmYXRoZXIsIGxpa2VzIGRhdWdodGVyLCBhbSBJIHJpZ2h0IT8N Cg0KOzs7IG9uIG15IGJsYWNrYmVycnkgZm9yIGEgZmV3IGhvdXJzDQoNCi0tLS0tIE9yaWdpbmFs IE1lc3NhZ2UgLS0tLS0NCkZyb206IEpvaG4gTHVkbG93IDxqb2huLmx1ZGxvdy51a0BnbWFpbC5j b20+DQpUbzogQ29ub3IgUnlhbiA8Y29ub3IuckBnbWFpbC5jb20+DQpDYzogRGF5LCBLZXZpbiBS LiAgKExhcyBDb2xpbmFzKSAgTkE7IEhlYXRoZXIgPGhlYXRoZXIuZ29nZ2Fuc0BnbWFpbC5jb20+ OyBkb20gPGRqbWFsemllQGdtYWlsLmNvbT47IE1hcmMtQW5kcmV3IEh1bm5hbSBOaWNob2xhcyA8 ZG9yaWMubG9uZ2hhaXJAZ21haWwuY29tPjsgVG9tIEhlbmRlcnNvbiA8VGhvbWFzLkhlbmRlcnNv bkByaWNlLmVkdT47IFRvbSBIZW5kZXJzb24gPHRoNEByaWNlLmVkdT47IHF2YmxvZ2dlckBnbWFp bC5jb20gPHF2YmxvZ2dlckBnbWFpbC5jb20+DQpTZW50OiBGcmkgTm92IDE2IDA4OjI0OjQwIDIw MTIKU3ViamVjdDogW3F2XSAwMS4wMS4wMzYNCg0KTGFzdCBmcm9tIENvbm9yICMzNQ0KDQo+PiBE b255OiBXaGF0IHRoYScgZnJhY2shIFtQdWxscyBvdXQgYSBzd2l0Y2hibGFkZSB3aGlsZSBsb29r aW5nIGFyb3VuZF0gTm90IG9uZXMgYSB5b3UgbW92ZXMsIGdvdHMgaXQhIE5vdHMgdGlsIEkgZ2V0 IHNvbWVzDQo+PiBhbnN3ZXJzIQ0KPj4NCj4+IDs7OyBUaGF0J3MgaG93IGdhbmdzdGVycyB0YWxr IHJpZ2h0PyA6cA0KPg0KPiA7OzsgU3VyZSENCj4NCj4gRXJuaWU6IFtIb2xkcyBoaXMgaGFuZHMg dXBdIFBsZWFzZSEgTm8hIEkndmUgZ290IGEgaGVhcnQgY29uZGl0aW9uIQ0KDQpDYXJvbGluZTog T2gsIGlzIHRoYXQgd2hhdCB5b3UgY2FsbCBpdD8gW1RvIERvbnldIFBsZWFzZSwga2lsbCBtZSwg aXQNCndpbGwgYmUgdGhlIGhpZ2hsaWdodCBvZiBteSBkYXkuDQo


Ernie: I don't know, that depends on who the daughter is!

;;; Gone for the day!


Sally : [Goes to the nearest chest and tries to open it]


Toby: [Looks disinterested in the chests, too busy looking for his crayon]

;;; Gone for rest of the day too


[Another flash of light. Enter ARCHIBALD SCARLET, a somewhat creepy looking guy in his late forties. SALLY opens the chest. Kaboom! A hail of darts fly out and strike her.]

Ernie: Oh my good heck! [Runs to Sally] She's dead!


Archibald: Ernie? What in the devil is going on here?

;;; Was just checking up on email before lights out, figured I ought

to say hi!


Ernie: Mr. Scarlet! I don't know! We all just appeared here, and this poor lady, she's dead!


Archie : [Checks Sally's pulse, then looks at the chest she tried to open, without touching it.] Hmm, it looks like we had better get to the bottom of this, and quickly. [Keenly, to the others] What have you deduced so far?


Ernie: Nothing! They've just stood around and done nothing! [To the others] Mr. Scarlet will sort this out! He'll figure out why we're all here!


Toby: [In a rather depressed tone] We're all going to die


Archie : [Annoyed at Toby] I'll kill you myself if you don't mend your attitude boy! Look for clues, evidence! [Scouts around the cave]

;;; So there are 5 chests? 1 exit? Do we find anything else?


Caroline: [Gloomily] Well at least it's more likely to happen sooner than later! I hate waiting.


Ernie: Look! Let's try and figure out what's going on here. There has to be some reason we're all here. I'm Ernie Brown, security guard at the Second National Bank in Apraxia. This fine gentleman here is Archibald Scarlet, one of our senior people there.


Toby: Well, I'm Toby White. Teenager. I was reading poetry before ending up here. HARMA are a bunch of dicks. This is a twisted social experiment by them. Sally was my moms friend. [Looks down at his hands] Man, I think I chipped a nail, I'm so totally screwed [seriously depressed tone] we're all gonna die down here man, no one even knows where we are. They already killed Sally.


Gill: I'm Gill, and I'm a rock and roll GOD! [Plays air guitar elaborately]


Ernie: Someone stole your guitar. [To Toby] And where are you from?


Caroline: He's my friends son. [Mouths silently, pointing to her head making the "crazy" sign] He's a few apples short of a fruit basket.


Archie : [To Ernie] Thank you Ernie, excellent work. Now, can everyone have a search around, and don't touch those dam chests just yet!

;;;; did he find anything - are there exits? I can't remember


Gill: [Dazed] But why are all of you here in [glances at his hand and then shrieks] DEMENTIA ARE YOU READY TO ROCK?!


Toby: [To Ernie condescendingly] Apraxia, obviously!


Archie : [To Toby, cautiously] Did you forget to take your medication? [To the others] Does anyone know what his prescription is?


Ernie: So... we're all from Apraxia, except this idiot? [Points at Gill]


Gill: [Snorts] Dude, you are so establishment with all your labels! Rock and Roll has no boundaries. That's the whole point. Who's the idiot now?! Now, I want some of whatever she took [points at Sally] so we can get this party started! [More elaborate air guitar, punctuated by miming breaking the imaginary guitar over Ernie's head]


Archie : [Furious at Gill ] You mind your tongue young man or I'll teach you to mind it! [Wipes some blood off his fist in preparation] Why don't you show us how 'free' you are by opening one of those chests?


Gill: [Eyes light up] Ooooh, I get it. The chest is your mind, and if you open it, you're like, free from The Man's rules. Deep. [Nods sagely]


Ernie: [Steps back behind another chest] Sure!


Archie : [To Gill] Why don't you should us some of that Rock and Roll spirit! [Gestures to a Chest]


Gill: Huh? My mind is already wide open, dude! [Looks at the others] Ooooh, to show THEM the way! I get it. Man, you are like my GURU. [Cluelessly goes to open a chest]


[Blam! GILL gets a hail of bolts that knocks him to the ground. Dead.]

Ernie: Oh my God! What's going on here? [To Archibald] You've got to get us out of here, or we're all gonna die!


Archie : [Checks Gill for a pulse. Business] Whoever set this up is going to pay, big time!

;;;; searches round - are there exits? Did I miss a post?


Caroline: We should probably stop opening chests, at least.


;;; Yes! There's one exit

[Another flash. Enter DR. NICOLA REMINGTON-HUGHES, a middle aged woman.]

Ernie: Oh god! What is going on here?


Nikki: What the hell?! [Looks around] Who are you people?


Ernie: We're trying to figure out why we're here -- we all seem to be from Apraxia. [Points to Gill] Except him.

;;; Out for 1.5 hours


Archie : [To Nikki] We all appeared here just as you did. I advise you not to open any of those chests. [Goes over to check the exit and see where it goes]


Nikki: [Studies Gill a moment and then nudges him with her shoe] I see. And will you also kill ME if I say I'm not from Apraxia?


Ernie: That depends on where you are from. [Coughs] I mean, no! Of course not!


Archie : [Roars with Laughter] Ernie! You are such a hoot! [To Nikki, pointing to the corpses] Those two died by trying to open one of the chests, as far as I know. Did you see what happened to Sally, Ernie, was it the same thing?


Nikki: [Shrugs] Well, I live in Apraxia, anyway. I'm on the faculty of Harbridge College. [Looks around] Oh, is THAT what this is? Some kind of college prank?


Ernie: I went to the University of Life, and the School of Hard Knocks! [To Archie] Yes sir! Although, they did actually get them open!


Nikki: [To Ernie] That's the spirit! [Digs into her pocket] Here, I'll give you a copper piece if you'll go check the chests that were opened.


Archie : [Looks into the chests carefully without touching anything] To Nikki, this is not like any college prank I have ever seen, some one is clearly trying to get us all killed.


Ernie: Golly gee whizz! A whole copper piece? Wait until I tell Smily Jim that he will get his leg operation after all. Hurrah! Phili bless us, every one! [Scowls at Nikki and pockets the copper piece]

[ARCHIE peers into the chest. It is full of weapons and armour.]


Nikki: Interesting! Are we being tested, perhaps? Challenged to battle? [Goes to dig through the chest]


Caroline: Or it could be a test to see if we steal the contents of that chest?


Toby: Or maybe it's all a test. Maybe there's something really gruesome down here and that's to protect ourselves with. Or kill ourselves with to avoid the gruesome and grizzly death that awaits us


Ernie: [Grabs a hefty sword and fixes the others with a steely gaze] Whatever it is, I'm going into it with this huge sword. [Swings it around, realizes it's too heavy, and then puts it back and takes another] Whatever it is, I'm going into it with THIS huge sword!


Archie : [Takes a suitable sword from the chest, and armor if there is some, and a backup dagger] That's the spirit Ernie! Let's get these bastards, whoever they are! [Takes a look in the other chest]


Harvey: [Gingerly picks up a dagger between finger and thumb] Oh, this is going to end badly.


;;; Not Harvey, but Caroline!

Ernie: But who would do this to us? Someone from Apraxia, I guess?


;;; Doh! Only one cup of coffee... :(


Nikki: [Takes a short sword and a crazy-looking helmet] It must be something to do with HARMA. No doubt we've all broken some new law!


Archie : It's never a bad time to slice up some HARMA. [Does a practice swing. Then goes and looks out of the exit]


Nikki: [Puts on the crazy helmet and lights a cigarette. Puffing away] Right! I'm ready. [Follows Archie]


[Everyone grabs some armour and weapons and head out.]

Ernie: [Holding up a massively sharp sword] You shouldn't smoke. It's dangerous.

[Exit ALL.]


[Book IX, Act I, Scene II. The Passageway. ARCHIBALD SCARLET, ERNIE BROWN, CAROLINE BLACK, TOBY WHITE, DONY GREEN and NICOLA REMINGTON-HUGHES are here, slowly advancing along.]

Ernie: Who would have done this? It's hardly HARMA's style, is it?


Nikki: True, it does seem rather subtle for HARMA. [Puffs thoughtfully] Were all of you actually in Apraxia when you suddenly found yourself here? Maybe we were just all in the right--or wrong--place at the right time? [Gestures to herself] I was in my office at the college, working on a presentation. Were any of you near Harbridge before you found yourself here, by any chance?


Ernie: Not me, I was busy [dramatically] fighting crime!


Archie : [Matter of factly] I was doing my accounts.


Nikki: [Shrugs] Well, what else do we have in common, then? [Looks over the group skeptically] Nothing obvious comes to mind, I must say!


Ernie: But we're all from or live in Apraxia? Surely the connection comes from there too?


[Another flash of light. Enter WALTER GREY, a man in his fifties, who's covered in blood.]


Archie : [Takes a defensive position] Hold your fire! [To Walter] Who are you? Where are your from?


Walter: I bet he's one of them!


Archie : You bet who is one of what?


Walter: You know, them!


Archie : No, I don't know who you are talking about. Do you mean HARMA?

;;;; awa to India for 2 weeks :)


Nikki: [To Walter] You'd better calm down. None of us is sure who to trust, so this is no time to behave irrationally. Now, who are you?

;;; Cool, have a great time!


Toby: For all any of us know, all of the rest of us are one of [finger quotes] them. We're all going to die horribly and painfully down here. It's going to be bloody and gruesome and undignified. I should write a poem about it.

;;; Woo! Have a good time.


Ernie: You know, them! Whoever put us here! You just know they're sinister weirdoes!


Walter: [Giving Ernie a kind of creepily appreciative smile.] That's right! I'm Walter, by the way. Walter Grey.


Toby: I'm Toby White. Hey, anyone else notice that most of us have colours for our last names? [Sulkily] Maybe HARMA outlawed people being allowed to have colours as a name and now we have to die.


Walter: [Angrily.] That's the kind of thing they'd do! Well, Walter Grey isn't dying for their sick amusement, no sir!

;;; By the way, have a great trip, Dom!


Nikki: Well, MY last name is Remington-Hughes, so there's nothing color-related between us. [Muses] Though we all seem to hate HARMA, so there is that!


Ernie: I don't hate HARMA, I think they're just gear! Sure, they might be a little over the top, but at least they're hearts are in the right places.


Walter: [Smiling, a little lasciviously.] Well, not *all* of them. Some of their hearts are somewhere else entirely!


Archie : Unfortunately their heads are not it the right places. [To Walter] Why are you coverd in blood?

;;;; thanks! Don't let Conor kill you before I get back :)


Walter: [Disturbing grin.] I'm a butcher by trade, and the last thing I remember, I was at work!


Ernie: Where?

;;; I assume Tom is in bed, apologies if not!

Walter: Apraxia.


Nikki: Interesting! But didn't you say that hairy dead man wasn't from Apraxia? Is he the only exception?


Archie: Yeah. So whoever brought us here has to have a connection with Apraxia.


Nikki: Have we all made the same person angry, perhaps?


Caroline: [Confused] But who do we all have in common? I recognise a few people here but the rest of you are complete strangers!


Ernie: I'm the same! I don't recognize all of you, and as a security guard, I have no enemies, nothing but the respect of everyone I come in contact with.

Archie: It has to be someone from Apraxia.


Nikki: My life centers around the college. Do any of you know anyone on the faculty or staff at Harbridge? Or perhaps a student?


Ernie: Some of the people who do business at the bank work there. Maybe that's a connection?


Caroline: [To Nikki] I've been to Harbridge. I sometimes donate to the Cryptozoology department, you know.


Nikki: [Nods] That makes sense. Whoever did this must have deep pockets! [Lights another cigarette and puffs away. To the others] How about the rest of you? Do you have a connection to the bank?


Archie: I sometimes work there, although I do have other, [sinister smile] business interests.


Nikki: [To Archie, warily] You're not behind all of this, are you? You have the demeanor of a criminal mastermind, I must say!


Archie: I'll take that as a compliment, but alas, no, I am no mastermind.

[A terrible growling comes from up around a corner.]


Nikki: [Jumps, startled] What the hell is that?!


Toby: Sorry about that, my stomach is a ventriloquist. [Still looks terrified though] But no, I've got no connection the Harbridge or the bank.


Ernie: Yes, but you're a child! Maybe your parents do?


Nikki: Yes, it's the only explanation so far that makes sense. It would take someone with enormous resources to [waves her hands vaguely] conjure people out of all these different locations!


Last from Heather 39

Toby: Well I suppose my idiotic father who can't tell the difference between dark gray and black being the bank manager would count then. As well as my mother being a lecturer of Cryptozoology at Harbridge.


Walter: But why would they do this and then leave us alone down here? Just to tease us, do you think?


Ernie: Oh! So YOU'RE Toby. Huh, I guess I imagined you, uh, gayer. [To Walter] Whatever is coming from around that corner sounds like more than a tease!


Walter: [To Toby.] You're so interested in death and despair, maybe you should go see what it is!

;;; I assume Walter is unarmed and the rest of the party is ready to... well,

;;; hide behind Toby?


Toby: Sure! Just send the not gay enough bank managers son who is convinced we're all going to die in front [sulks ad leads the way]


Caroline: Well, at least we're all on the same page.


Ernie: Yeah. This ought to be good.

[Enter THE LIZARD, a huge, scary looking alligator type monster that makes a disgusting screaming sound. It immediately bites TOBY's head off, spraying the rest of the group with blood. Everyone screams in shock and fear.]

Ernie: We're all gonna die!


Walter: [Glances at Toby's corpse indifferently.] Not if someone with a weapon kills it first!


Toby: [Throws his sword to Walter] Go on!


Archibald: [Snatches the sword from Ernie he was handing to Walter] Thanks Ern! [Lunges on the lizard] Charge! [Attacks excitedly]


[ARCHIBALD slashes into the lizard, causing it to scream deafeningly in pain. It staggers back, badly injured.]

Ernie: [To the others] Don't just stand there! Help him!


Caroline: Well, wasn't a very nice person, was he?


Ernie: No, he wasn't, but the rest of us are really nice, so help kill that monster!


Nikki: [Rushes to attack the lizard, hanging onto her helmet awkwardly] Die, you wretch!


Archibald: [Follows the lizard, continuing to attack] Action at last! It's likely a pet of HARMA!


Walter: Well, in that case...


[NIKKI and ARCHIBALD strike the lizard, causing it to howl in agony. It snaps back at ARCHIBALD, just missing him.]


Walter: Here, let me help you with that... [Attacks the lizard, still with his disturbing grin in place.]


[WALTER slashes into the lizard's head, killing it.]

Ernie: Yay! We did it! Whoo! [Steps up and kicks the dead lizard] In your face!

;;; No posting today or tomorrow on account of Thanksgiving!


[There's another fierce growling sound from up ahead.]

Ernie: [Hiding behind the others] Oh no! We're all gonna die! You shouldn't have killed this one, you fools! I told you not to!


Nikki: Come on, we have to keep fighting! There has to be a way out of here.


;;; Drew is out this week

Archibald: Well said! Come on, let's find out who the hell put us here!

[Advances cautiously and peers around the next corner.]

Archibald: Same thing again. Let's get it!


Caroline: How many of these things are there? Maybe we could reason with it?


Nikki: [Skeptically] Give it a shot, but keep a sword handy!


;;;Sorry everyone. I was out last week for a funeral. Back now.

-----Original Message----- Sent: Monday, November 26, 2012 8:03 AM To: John Ludlow Cc: Conor Ryan; Tom Henderson; Marc-Andrew Hunnam Nicholas; Tom Henderson; dom; Day, Kevin R. (Las Colinas) NA; qvblogger@gmail.com

Nikki: [Skeptically] Give it a shot, but keep a sword handy!


Ernie: Good idea! I'm a security guard. I'm used to dealing with difficult customers. Excuse me, Mr. Monster!

[The LIZARD jumps on ERNIE and savages him.]

;;; Hope everything's okay, Kevin


Walter: [Strangely upset.] Now look what you've made me do! [Attacks the lizard.]


Caroline: [Looks at Ernie's with a decidedly queasy expression] Oh, dear! [Hopefully] Perhaps he just doesn't like being called 'Mr Monster'?


Nikki: [Shrieks] What the hell?! We have to kill this damn thing, come on! [Attacks the lizard frantically]


[The LIZARD viciously shakes ERNIE around as the others attack it, before long, it lies dead. ERNIE lies very still.]

Archibald: What the hell is going on here?


Walter: It killed Ernie! The bastard!


Nikki: [Shaking, trying not to look at Ernie] What is this?! I say let's get the hell out of here before any more of us die!


Caroline: Quite right - we really should be going. [Looks along the passageway to see if she can see a way out]


[There is another flash of light further up the corridor, although it is around the corner.]

Archibald: I'm gonna kill whatever that is!


Walter: [Busily searching Ernie's body for anything useful.] Give us a moment and I'll help!


Caroline: What if it's rescuers?


Nikki: [To Caroline] Good point! [To Archibald] Hold back a minute. Maybe we could all hide and try to gain some sort of tactical advantage? If it's more lizards, we attack. If it's people, we try to talk!


[ERNIE has a few GP, but nothing of any particular interest.]

Archibald: Okay, let's move back, but be ready.

[Every backs off.]

Archibald: Huh. Now we can't see anything!


Nikki: All right, let's approach. Carefully! [Starts walking toward the light, trembling]


[Everyone follows behind NIKKI. They creep along and come up behind a blonde woman with her -- grey and boring -- underpants down around her ankles. She turns to face them. It is ALICE.]

;;; Unless you've specifically been told, your character

;;; does NOT recognize her

Alice: Hey! What the hell is going on?


Nikki: [Relieved] Welcome to our nightmare, blondie! We have no idea what's going on, but several of us have already been killed so you'd better pull up your pants and watch out for killer lizards!


Alice: [Hastily pulls her pants up] Hey! I was in the bathroom -- and it's laundry day! Normally my underpants are WAY flouncier than these!


Nikki: [Snorts] Sure! [Urgently] So, who are you? I'm Dr. Nicola Remington-Hayes, and these are [somewhat dismissively] various people from Apraxia, which appears to be our only connection. Are you, by chance, from Apraxia?

;;; With that, my three!


Caroline: Or do you have any idea where we are?


Alice: Uh, which question should I answer first?

Archibald: How about are you from Apraxia?

Alice: No.

Archibald: How about do you have any idea where we are?

Alice: No.


Nikki: [Disappointed] Well, do you know anyone here?


Alice: [Sadly] Not any more.


Caroline: "Not any more?" What does that mean?


Alice: It means they're dead! It's the classic love story. Repressed librarian travels back in time, meets and kills an angel, turning him into a demon who unleashes terrible revenge on the world for hundreds of thousands of years, only to meet her again in her own time and for her to fall in love with her, produce a half-human, half-demon offspring, before he kills her and then dies saving the world. [Shakes her head sadly] How many times have we heard that story?

Archibald: Wait a minute! Are you talking about Pestilence?

Alice: Yes!


Dony: Haw! Good ol' Petsy. Horrible poker face... but a bit of a temper when he catches a cheater! Wait, did you say he was dead?


Nikki: [Stunned] Wait, are you saying Charlie's DEAD? And her husband killed her?! But they seemed so happy at the faculty mixer! [Lights a cigarette with shaky hands]


Caroline: [To Alice] Do you know a way out of here?


Alice: That depends. Where are we?


Nikki: [Puffing furiously] We don't know yet, nor do we know why we're wherever we are! [Muses] Wait, how many of you know Pestilence? [Points at Archibald and Dony] You two and anyone else?


Walter: I know him. The man's a crazy psychopath. You have to admire that!

;;; Out for an hour!


Caroline: I know Pestilence, and Charlie. [Thinks] Pestilence always seemed more interested in my security team than anything else.


Nikki: [Nods] Now we're getting somewhere! Charlie was my student and is now my colleague at Harbridge--or I suppose I should say, she was. [To Alice, melancholy] I do hope someone has told Deuce!


Walter: Who or what is deuce? Other than what this young lady here [eyes Alice] was perhaps attempting to do in public?


Nikki: Deuce was a dear friend of Charlie's. He will be devastated to learn of her death. [To Alice, confidentially] You know, I think he ever quite got over her. . . .


Walter: So we all know Pestilence or this Charlie person. How does that help get us out of here and away from the killer lizards? [Pause.] Not that there's anything wrong with killer lizards, if you're into that sort of thing. [Grins.]


Alice: Hey! First off, Deuce totally got over her, and if anyone is going to tell him, it'll be me. After all, I'm married to him! [Thinks] Okay, well, I'm actually married to someone else, and Deuce is dead, but the point still remains!

Archibald: What is the point?

Alice: I don't know!


Nikki: [Moans] Not Deuce, too! [To Alice] Did Pestilence kill him, too? In a fit of jealous anger?

;;; Poor Alice.


Caroline: Hmm, Pestilence always... unnerved me a little. [Laughs nervously] Of course he *was* a demon!


Walter: That Pestilence! What a guy!


Alice: No! Pestilence didn't kill him -- my husband did! Er, that is... I mean, look, what the hell is going on here and how is that you all know so much about Deucie?


Nikki: Deuce was also my student! Wait, is there something to this? [Looks at the others] Did any of you know Deuce, as well?


Walter: [Shakes his head.] Not that I recall. Or this Charlie person. Just Pestilence.


Caroline: [Nods] Same here.


Nikki: [Baffled] But what possible reason would someone have for gathering a bunch of people who know Pestilence together, now that he's dead? [Wonderingly] Could this be some sort of demonic wake?


Walter: It must have something to do with ol' Pestilence, but does this seem like a wake to you? Where's all the drink? It feels more like a test. Question is, what are they testing, and who are "they" in the first place?


Caroline: If it's a test, how would they collect the results? Could they be watching us at the moment? [Looks around to see if she can see anything out of place]


Alice: Maybe one of you's a spy!


Nikki: [To Alice, puffing away] Calm down, blondie. We've been getting attacked fairly steadily, so I say we keep moving and try to find a way out. If any of us survive, we can decide then who might be a spy!


Alice: [Draws a sword] Okay, agreed. [Warily] So, the only connection we all have is Pestilence? That can't be good!


Caroline: Um, and, well, Charlie, I suppose?


Nikki: [Readies her sword with a heavy sigh] But they're both gone! Whoever's behind this must know Pestilence, though. But who were WE to Pestilence, really? It doesn't sound like any of us really have a strong tie to him.


Alice: Yes, but not all of you knew Charlie, right?

Walter: I didn't.

Archibald: Nor did I.

Alice: Nor did I.


Archibald: Agreed. Could it be someone trying to get some sort of revenge on people he knew?


Dony: [Pulls his switchblade again suddenly suspicious] Better not be you, pal! Harma ain't never catching me alive I tell ya!


Archibald: Don't you threaten me, asshole!


Nikki: [Taken aback] Hey, you two cut it out! Save your anger for the lizards.


Caroline: [Exasperated] Oh, for Phili's sake! I'd suggest you pull them out and measure, but I don't think we have any microscopes to hand!


Archibald: You don't need a microscope baby, I've got a magnifying glass!


Nikki: [Looking at Archibald in disbelief] Yeah, I think we probably ARE being punished for something, after all!


Archibald: You think it's any picnic being here with you people? The next one who gives me any lip will get to taste my blade!


Walter: [Struggles to contain what sounds distinctly like a giggle.] That's telling 'em!


Archibald: Is that funny? Is it? How do you like this one? [Stabs Walter]


Caroline: [Reasonably, but as if talking to an unruly child] Now there really wasn't any need for that, was there?


Walter: [Reacts appropriately to being stabbed!]

;;; I figure that's niiiiice and generic! =)


Archibald: Sure! [Drives the sword into him again, causing him to fall to the ground, unconscious]

[Almost immediately, there's another flash of light.]

;;; Yeesh, Tom, you wanna vague that up for us a bit??


Nikki: [Shocked] What the hell?! [Pulls a sword and faces Archibald] Drop your weapon, you maniac!


Dony: Heys! I love the stabby game! [Pulls his switchblade and tries to stab Archibald]


Nikki: [Shocked] What's going on?! You're worse than the lizards! [Tries to get away from the carnage]


[ALICE dives at DONY and knocks him to the ground.]

Alice: Hey! Can people just stop getting stabbed for a moment?


Nikki: [Watching Alice, impressed] Well done, blondie! I think we'll put you first in line for the next round of attacks. [To everyone] Now, keep your swords to yourself, unless you see a monster. Let's MOVE!


Archibald: Is it weird that I'm really turned on right now?

[Enter HARVEY, walking from where the light appeared. He's holding a chicken leg.]

Harvey: By the saints! What's going on here?


Nikki: We don't know, but I'll bet you know Pestilence!


Harvey: Eh? Pestilence? Damned loose cannon if you ask me! Absolutely no respect for the chain of command! And that girl, Wally or something like that, is almost as bad. I gave them both a direct order to stop killing people, and they both ignored me! [Looks around at Caroline and the others] And who the devil are you people supposed to be? [Spots Alice] Ah, you went to find reinforcements, eh? Excellent! Now, fall in!


Alice: Harvey! What's going on? Where are we?


Nikki: [Baffled] Who's Wally? Who were Pestilence and Wally killing before you got here? Maybe that's the key to why we're all here!


Alice: I think he means Will, Pestilence's daughter. And, well, she killed everyone! Except Pestilence, although he's dead too. [Muses] I think he saved the world.


aved the world.

Dony: Damn! Theres goeses my chances of winning my moneys back from him!


Nikki: [To Alice] What do you mean, he saved the world? How did he do that? Perhaps he failed, and the world has become [waves around] this?


Content-Type: text/plain; charset=ISO-8859-1

Alice: No, I'm pretty sure he did save it. I was in it for a while after. We're somewhere else.



Harvey: Well, he's been so erratic lately, maybe he changed his mind and decided to destroy it, what?


Alice: Thank God you're here, Harvey! It's awful being stuck with this bunch of losers!

;;; Gone for the day!


Nikki: [To Alice, with a snort] Big talk for the gal who showed up here in gray granny panties!


Alice: Hey! I told you, it was laundry day!


Nikki: Yeah, yeah! Come on, we'd better get moving. There has to be a way out of here. Doesn't there?


Harvey: Right! [To Nikki, expectantly] So where is it, man?


Nikki: [To Harvey, wryly] Ah. You're one of THOSE. [Puffs furiously at her cigarette] Hell, I don't know where the exit is! Let's just keep following the tunnel. It must lead somewhere, right? Come on! [Heads further down the tunnel]

;;; Assuming the tunnel continues, that is!


Alice: [Looks Caroline up and down] I love your dress! Where were you going?

Caroline: [Grimly] My own funeral.

[The group reform, with HARVEY and NIKKI in the front, followed by ALICE and CAROLINE, and then ARCHIBALD and DONY. The passageway leads on for a good thirty feet, twisting and winding, before finally straightening out and becoming dead flat with large flagstones.]

Alice: [Turns to the two at the back] No stabbing each other!


Dony: [Disappointedly] Cans I stab someone else instead then?


Nikki: Probably, but wait until they attack you first!


Harvey: [To Dony, approvingly] Ah, the eager young trooper who is just itching to jump into the thick of things and do battle on behalf of his commanding officer, what?


Caroline: Please! Can we just stop taking about stabbing? I'm frightened enough without --

[The flagstone beneath CAROLINE cracks, sending her flying through the ground.]

Caroline: Heeeeeeelllllllppppppp!


[Everyone peers into the gaping hole.]

Alice: Uh oh! That can't be good!

[Another flash of light, this time behind the party. When it fades, CLINT is standing there.]


Clint: What the hell? [Catches sight of Alice and Harvey and nods sagely.] Oh, it's gonna be one of *those* days.


Nikki: [Alarmed, holds her sword at the ready] Watch out, he smells terrible! He could be reanimated tissue that has started to rot!


Dony: [Brandishing his blade] What the hell is going on?


Alice: [Looks suspiciously at Clint] Hey! He does smell unusually good!


Clint: [Firmly.] It's a natural manly musk, woman! [Gives Dony a look.] And that's what I want to know!


Harvey: [Looks at Clint suspiciously] And who are you, and what have you done with the real Private Scar, eh?


Clint: [Defensively.] I got caught in some rain a couple of days ago, okay?


Nikki: So, this is an improvement. Dear GOD. [Composes herself. To Clint, conversationally] So, how do YOU know Pestilence? Tell us quickly, though, we're dropping like flies here!


Clint: [Surprised as heck.] Pestilence? What's he got to do with this?! Other than being dead and marrying a fri... marrying Charlie?


Nikki: [Shrugs] We don't know yet. It's just that the only thing we all seem to have in common is that we all know Pestilence somehow.


Alice: A whole bunch of them have been brought here, Stinky, and all killed, by monsters, each other or by falling through floors!


Clint: Then I guess we better be on our toes here! Anyone seen the rest of the guys?


Nikki: What guys?


Clint: Oh, [gestures vaguely at Alice and Harvey] our doctor, our lawyer, and that other one.


Harvey:Remember, Private Scar, that man is a valued member of the Troop, probably, and you would do well to remember his name, whatever it is. [To Nikki] Now, what's the situation here, soldier?


Nikki: [Recognition dawning] Oh, RIGHT! Charlie did mention something about that. [To Dony and Archibald, explaining] Frankly, it sounded a bit like some sort of infantile fantasy role-playing game so mostly I just tuned her out.


Clint: [Confused.] "Fantasy role-playing game?" Is that some kind of sex thing?


Archibald: [Grinning like crazy] I sure hope so!


[Another flash of light from behind the group. When it clears, there stands JORDAN CHAPMAN.]

Alice: [Shakily] Oh. My. God.


Jordan: [Holding some random book, looking around confused] Where in the realms? [Hears Alice's voice, cringes, turns to face her] What did I do to deserve this punishment?


On 3 December 2012 11:15, Marc-Andrew Hunnam Nicholas

Harvey: Ah, the fellow who makes novelty paperweights in the shape of books, what?


Jordan: [Backs away from Alice towards Harvey] Pleasure to make your acquaintance sir. Harvey, isn't it? [Offers his free hand to shake, keeping an weary eye on Alice]


Alice: Jordan! Jordan! It's me! I'm your number one fan!


Jordan: [To Alice through gritted teeth] I know who you are, you were told to stay away from me. Is this some plot of yours? Kidnapped me? [Holds out his hand] I suppose you have a book you want me to autograph? [Looks around, still holding his hand out] Where are we anyway? Oh, hello Nikki!


Harvey: Oh dear, she seems a bit excited, what? [Shakes Jordan's hand] I say, I got some of those door-stop things you make for Philimas, and they're pretty useful for keeping the table level and so on, eh?


Nikki: [Surprised] Hello, Jordan! I must say, I am very sorry to see you here. We are all in great danger. Quickly, what's your connection to Pestilence Sotot?


Alice: [Laughs] Oh, Jordan! You're so funny!


Jordan: [To Alice] As my Granpappy always said, "keep 'em laughin' and dey won't be a bover!" [To Nikki] Pestilence? Oh he's a good friend of mine. Saved my life once while I was being beat up. Turned out he wanted me to autograph a copy of Light for him, and his timing just happened to be perfect. Why do you ask? Is it some sort of surprise party for him?


Alice: Light? Oh, that's my all time favourite book! I even almost read most of it!


Jordan: Light isn't all that great, really.


Alice: Aw! Just listen to him! So modest!

;;; out for two hours!


Jordan: No, seriously, it's not all that good.

;;; Out for the rest of the day in a meeting!


Nikki: [Shrugs] With poetry, who can say? The important thing right now, though, is that we need to figure out how to get out of here alive. Let's keep moving!


Harvey: I give the orders here, Private Parker-Kensington! [To the others] Now, keep moving!


Nikki: [Snorts] That would be Private Remington-Hayes, Colonel, but by all means--take the lead! I have no interest in being first in line to fight whatever's coming next!


Dony: [Picking food from his teeth with his knife] Yea, I'm with this Dame.Yous lot can leads the way!


Harvey: Don't be ridiculous, Private! A commanding officer does not scouting - that's what scouts are for! You see, you send the scouts forward to find the enemy, and if the scouts die, it means they've found the enemy, what?


Alice: [Looks down the pit that Caroline fell through] I don't think this scout is coming back!


Clint: Then we need a new scout! And who better to scout than someone with the trained eye of a poet! Being separated from from Alice here is a great sacrifice, but...


Nikki: [To Clint] Surely you're better suited for such a job, no?


Harvey: I don't believe Private Scar would make an effective scout, since the smell would scare any enemy into retreat, what? He's much better employed as shock infrantry, because said smell is, well, shocking. Very well, Private Chapman shall be lead scout. [To Jordan] Just try not to employ too much metaphor when you get caught by the enemy and are screaming in agony as they viciously savage you, what? Now, off you go, and do your duty with courage, what?


Clint: Besides [nods, indicating Alice] won't someone think of the poets?


Alice: I'll go with him!


Clint: I don't think that's a good idea, Bimbo. We don't want our scout so distracted that he falls into a pit and dies!


Harvey: Besides, it might be dangerous, what?


Alice: [Disgusted] Oh my God! What is wrong with you people? [Draws her sword] I'll go by myself. Clint? Harvey? You two can hug each other and sit scared in the corner.

;;; I mean, really? The two fighters??


Harvey: [Huffily] Commanders don't fight, young lady - that's what they have armies for. [Makes to follow Alice]

;;; Home time!


Nikki: [Lifts her sword] Lead the way, Blondie! I'm glad someone here has balls!


Jordan: Thank you for the offer of lead scout, but my body would not permit me such a pleasurable duty, would it Nikki?


Nikki: [Snorts] Hell, no! We've got some seasoned adventurers to take the lead, so we'll just let them. [Looks expectantly at the others]


[ALICE leads the way, followed by HARVEY and ARCHIBALD, then NIKKI and JORDAN, and finally, DONY and CLINT. They follow several turns before eventually coming to what looks like a waiting room, with several uncomfortable looking chairs. On one wall is machine with "Please take a number", and a sign on another wall says "Now serving #2"]

;;; End of scene. Next one TOMORROW!


[Book IX, Act I, Scene III. The Waiting Room. ALICE, ARCHIBALD, CLINT, JORDAN, HARVEY, NIKKI and DONY are here, looking at the ticket machine.]

Alice: Right! I think we should take number 3, as that's the next one!


Nikki: [Nods] Good idea! [Goes to take a ticket]


Jordan: [Looks around to see how many others are waiting too] I wonder how long of a wait we'll have.


Alice: You'll have to wait a very long time, Jordan. You see, our love can never be, [dramatically] for my heart belongs to another.

[There's no one else here. NIKKI takes a ticket and shows it to the party. The number is 10000000007. ]


Nikki: [Lights a cigarette] Hopefully this at least means we have a little time to kill before we get attacked again. [Brightens] Hey, why don't I practice the keynote address I'm giving at the International Society of Folklore and Stuff Conference next month? [Enticingly] Theeeere's nudity!


Harvey: Blast! We'll be here for ages! Perhaps there's someone we can speak to to hurry things along, what? [Looks around for some sort of assistant, or bell to call for service]


Jordan: I could always recite some poetry, or play us a song or two.


Alice: [Fixes Nikki with a steely gaze] Who's nude in it?

[HARVEY spots a small button which resembles a doorbell on one wall, about an inch off the ground.]


Alice: [Applauds happily] Yay! Do "Hooray for nice things"! No! Do "Fluffy Clouds are Happy Clouds"!


Jordan: Hooray for nice things seems the better choice I think, for getting out of here alive, and in one piece, would surely be a nice thing. [To the rest of the party] Any other requests?

;;; It's snowing!


Harvey: [Frantically pressing the button and shouting] I say! Come quick - we're dying in here, by the saints! [To the party] See, I told you this would be dangerous, what?


Jordan: Oh come now Harvey, it could be worse [clears his throat] but now it is time to recite my verse. [To the party] I call this one, Hooray for nice things.

As I walk this dark a dreary path The muck I wear calls for a bath Of all wishes, I wish for wings To find a bath and say, hooray for nice things!

The cellar said, no room for swine For we all know it was meant for wine And on this night, the moon, it sings With my wine in hand, hooray for nice things!

At the door I hear knock knock knock The man has called to fix my clock And when he's done it will be full of dings So in the morn I wake up on time and say, hooray for nice things!

As winter grasps and snow doth fall The children each make a ball And when my face it hits, it does sting The fun of winter, hooray for nice things!


Alice: [Struggling to hold back some tears] That's... so... beautiful!

[HARVEY presses the bell and the party can hear a muffled ring.]


Nikki: [To Jordan, applauding] Very nice! Now, shall I give my keynote address? It's only 3 hours long, and there's a surprise twist in the last half hour!


Alice: For the love of God, Harvey! You're not pressing it hard enough!


Jordan: We could always try knocking on the door [looks to see if there is a door]


;;; Only the door we came in!

Archibald: What door? Good damn, boy, but you're an idiot!


Nikki: [Watches Archibald warily] He's only trying to figure this out. Now, why don't you relax and listen to my presentation? You'll feel better--and smarter!--after you've heard it.


Archibald: Would I be as smart as you?


Nikki: [Laughs] Oh, GOD, no. [Encouragingly] But you would be smarter, within your own limitations and capabilities.


Archibald: Wow. That sounds gear. [Edges closer to the bell and starts to ring it] Do go on.

[A tiny sliding door opens. Enter JEAN MAJEUR, a strangely grey looking man.]

Jean: Hey! What do you think you're doing?


Harvey: Ah, well, you see, I believe we are ringing this bell while waiting for some useless layabout to tell us what the blazes is going on here!


Jean: Well then. I can't help you.

[JEAN disappears as the door slams shut. Seconds later, it opens again and he pops his head out.]

Jean: Because I'm not useless, you see.

[He disappears again, only to reappear once more.]

Jean: Nor am I a layabout!

[Disappears once more, reappearing again a second later.]

Jean: Uh, and what did you say about feathers?


Nikki: [To Jean] Wait! Could you please tell us what we are doing here? What are we waiting for?


Jean: What number have you got?


Harvey: [Quickly] Two!


Dony: [Flicking his knife menacingly] Actually, I think it says ONE!


Jean: Two? [Skeptically] Really?


Nikki: [Quickly stuffs the ticket in her pocket] Sure! Can you let us through?


Jean: Oh, um, I guess. You know, you've... well, you've kind of stolen my thunder a bit. I normally keep people here for a few months, you know, to see how badly they want it.


Harvey: [Indicates Jordan] He was reciting poetry - that's how badly we want out of here, what?


Jean: Yeah, that's pretty bad, I guess. And you did pass the lizard test, right?

[Everyone loudly agrees.]

Jean: And what about the one with the colours and shapes? Did you pass that?

[More agreement.]

Jean: That's a tough one, isn't it? What was the right answer?


Clint: [Scoffs.] Everyone knows that the right answer is that there is no right answer!


Jean: [Laughs] Okay, you got me. What about the... [looks around the room] the one with the chairs?!


Clint: What *about* the one with the chairs?


Jean: Oh... you're good! You're very good! Right. Are you guys ready for battle?


Nikki: [Cagily] Sure! But first, we have to make sure YOU know what's going on! WHY are we being forced to fight, exactly?


Harvey: And what are we being forced to fight, exactly?

;;; Out tomorrow AM.


Clint: And where are we being forced to fight, exactly?


Jordan: And what has it all got to do with Pestilence?


Jean: Woah woah woah woah! Woah! Who said anything about fighting? And what pestilence?


Nikki: [Relieved] Well, we have been attacked several times, so we just assumed we were being prepared to fight again! What are we waiting for, then? Why the numbers?


Jean: It's to make sure that people stay orderly while waiting for the assassination.


Jordan: Who is getting assassinated?


Clint: And what if we don't go through with it just on some demon's say so? Hypothetically speaking, of course.


Nikki: Anyway, surely we have to have signed something to have a contract! I never signed anything, so you've got the wrong gal!


Clint: Are you sure you'd remember doing it? I mean, what with your maturity and all...


Jean: But, why wouldn't you want to kill her? [Confused] Well, it's up to you. We just put you in the right place, and what happens next is up to you.


Nikki: But what has she ever done to anyone? Why assassinate this poor girl?


Last from Heather $60

Clint: Yeah! With a name like "Pollyanna Darling,' it's probably crueler to let her live anyway.


Jean: [Shrugs] Idunno. I don't make the rules. Well, actually, I do, and it feeeeeels so good! It almost makes up for having a tiny penis.

Alice: Really?

Jean: [Hangs his head sadly] No.


Clint: I bet that's her!

;;; Wowsers. Exhausting Christmas weekend, slept in way late, found

that the blogger was off the list - it's back on now! - and went back to


;;; Two more weeks to figure out how to spend unfeasible amounts of

money on my loved ones, therefore proving to them just how much I care!


Jordan: [Whispers] Or that animal we heard. I have an idea. [Talks loudly] So, who is up for a good old sing along? I just happen to have my lute with me. This barn sure does look like a good place to play music loudly and sing like there's no tomorrow. Wouldn't you all agree? [Casts Summon Instrument]


[There's a flash of light. Enter AUSTIN SLEAZE.]

Alice: Wow! That was really great, Jordan!

[Another flash of light. A lute appears.]


Nikki: [Uncertainly, to Austin] Are you Pollyanna Darling?


Harvey: [Incredulously] Of course he isn't! [To Austin, suspiciously] Are you?


Alice: He's an Austin darling!


Austin : [Looks a little surprised, checks his suit and cuffs. To Nikki] No, I am not Pollyanna, and I am not your darling either. [Glances around] Where are we?


Nikki: [Exasperated, lighting a cigarette] We aren't sure! All we know is that we all know Pestilence, and that we've allegedly signed some contract agreeing to kill this Pollyanna Darling person. But I definitely didn't, and I won't! The poor, helpless thing.


Jordan: [To Austin] You didn't sign any contract by any chance did you?


Austin : [To Jordan] There is no need to insult me, we have only just met! [Rolls his eyes] What will she think of next!


Alice: Yeah, Jordan, wait a few minutes until you see how mean he really is, THEN insult him!


Harvey: Ah, but by then he may well have drafted an anti-insult injunction. He is a lawyer after all, what? [To Jordan] Well done for seizing the initiative and getting your insult in early! [Musing] Perhaps we'll make an officer of you yet, eh? And to think I would have sent you in as a sacrificial scout, what?


Jordan: [To Harvey] You are truly wise indeed. [To Austin] A lawyer are you? Hmm, perhaps then you can find a way to get us out of this without us having to kill anyone, given they claim to have our contracts, contracts we were not even aware existed.


Austin : Well, I most certainly have not signed a contract to kill someone. We should request copies of these contract immediately. I can supply legal expertise, if you wish, for the standard fee, naturally.


Nikki: [Snorts incredulously] You do know we're all in danger here, right? Surely you can do this one pro bono!


Alice: Great idea, Aus! [Formally to Austin] We would like copies of our contracts, please.

[The shape under the blanket in the corner moves again, giving another loud moan.]


Austin : Hmm, pro bono, where professionals provide free services to those who claim to be unable to afford them. [To Nikki] No thank you.


Harvey: [To the blanket, irritably] Will you be quiet! We are trying to have a legal discussion here, by the saints! [To Austin] Now, I would like to discuss what provisions the contract has for, ah, provisions. That is, lunch, what?


[Whatever's under the blanket gives a fearsome growl.]


Clint: Harv, if that's your stomach, I say we have lunch *first*!


Alice: But where are the muffins? Did Pollyanna eat them all?


Clint: I dunno, Bimbo, but if she did, Harv'll kill her after all.


Nikki: Maybe what's under there did! [Points to the growling blanket, alarmed]


Jordan: Surely eating all the muffins isn't worth killing someone over. [Looks at the blanket] Let's find out Nikki [looks for a broom or long stick to poke the blanket with]


[JORDAN finds himself confronted with a veritable cornucopia of long sticks, of varying sharpness. ALICE spots him eyeing them up.]

Alice: Great idea, Jordan! Trying to see if the blanket is alive?


Nikki: [Takes a pointy stick and prods at the blanket] Pollyanna?


Harvey: Ah, leave this to me. [Walks up to the blanket and nudges it with his toe, then at the top of his voice] ON YOUR FEET, SOLDIER! We'll have no lying around on watch in *my* Troop! Now staaaand to atten-hun!

;;; That'd wake you up in the morning, eh?


Jordan: [To Alice] So is that [nods towards Harvey with a smirk]

;;; oh yes. I remember my military days. Weren't far from that, I assure you.


[The blanket flies back and a bood covered zombie like creature, ROMEO ROMERO, leaps out. A chain leads from his neck to the ground.]

Romeo: I'm up! I'm up!


Nikki: [Shrieks and holds out her pointy stick] Stay back! [Skeptically] Are you Pollyanna Darling?


Austin : [Cautiously moves to put the party between him and Romeo. To Nikki] Do you really think his name is Pollyanna? He doesn't look like a Pollyanna to me! More of a Kevin, Drew, or a Tom.


Jordan: [To Nikki] I was thinking more of a Conor, John or Dom.


Alice: Don't be ridic, Aus. He's totally a Dom!

Romeo: Please! You've got to help me! Pollyanna is keeping me prisoner!


Austin : [To Romeo] Why would anyone keep you prisoner? What worth do you have?


Romeo: Sex slave!


Austin : [Cracks up laughing, splitting his sides and trying not to pee himself in glee!] You are hilarious! I can see why she keeps you now! Her own personal comedian!


Harvey: [Thoughtfully] Hmm... Is she the one keeping us here? Perhaps Private Sleaze can distract Polyanna by fulfilling her sexual desires long enough for us to escape, what?


Nikki: Given his stench [points at Romeo] , I suspect he [points at Clint] is more Pollyanna's type!


Romeo: Please! You've got to let me go! She's crazy! She'll kill you all! [Lurches to make a grab at the party, but can't get near them because of the chain]


he chain]

Dony: Not if we kill her first!


Austin : [To Romeo] I think that you are crazy and will kill us all if we set you free. Perhaps you should try anger management therapy before making such requests again.


Romeo: [Angrily swipes at Austin, but can't reach] I'm not angry, you bastards!


Nikki: [To Romeo] Calm down, buddy! We might be able to help you, but we need some help from you, first. Where IS Pollyanna? What's she like?


Romeo: She's in the torture chamber, probably torturing someone! [Dramatic pause] She's a torturer!


Harvey: She doesn't sound so bad, really - who would want to kill her?


Romeo: Anyone who's not an idiot!

Alice: Hah! I guess that rules us out, then! [Looks smug] I mean, hey!


Jordan: [To Harvey] It depends on who or what she is torturing really. I'm guessing she must torture demons and the like, which is why demons want her dead.


Alice: Good idea, Jordan!

[ROMEO throws himself at the party, but the chains stop him. However, they are clearly getting loose.]

Romeo: [Mocking Alice with a squeaky, whiney voice] Good idea, Jordan!

Alice: [Whining] I don't sound like that!


Jordan: [To Alice] You might if he keeps doing that and the chain breaks.


Dony: Maybe he wouldn't be so agitated if we poke a few holes in him? [Makes a stabbing gesture]


Romeo: Bring it on! [Jerks the chains again, causing them to get even looser]


Austin : [Nervously] I think it may be an appropriate moment for some one to kill him before he breaks free!

;;;awa hame :)


Nikki: [To Harvey, urgently] Go on, you do it! All I have is a pointy stick and a Phd!


Harvey: [Spluttering] I told you before - commanders don't fight - they have an army to do that for them. Why don't you try hitting him with your Phd? I'm sure it's big enough, what?


Clint: You could try telling him all about your research? It always worked for Charlie!


Alice: [To Nikki] You make the mistake of thinking that Clint and Harvey actually fight anymore. They just stand around waiting for stuff to happen.

[The chain breaks and ROMEO leaps on CLINT, biting him on the face.]

;;; Lose 14hp Clint!


Clint: Hey! Just because I feel some empathy for a guy kept as nothing more than a sex slave... [Attacks Romeo.]

;;; Seriously, the poor dude's just some unfortunate breeding stud with

;;; anger management issues. We've all been there, amirite?


Nikki: [Frantically whacks Romeo with her stick. To Harvey] Do something, old man!!


Harvey: Well it really isn't appropriate for commanders to fight, but needs must, what? [Draws his sword and attacks Romeo]


[Everyone lays into ROMEO, hacking and slashing, cutting bits off.]

Romeo: Please! I just want to get away! I just want to be loved! [Grabs Harvey's arm and bites it]


Nikki: [Shrieks] Watch out, he could be rabid! [Tries to pull Harvey away from Romeo]


Alice: He's not a rabbit, they're super cute and cuddly! [Stabs Romeo, but doesn't seem to slow him down]

;;; Drew is out today

Jordan: [Grabbing a pitch fork and stabbing Romeo with it] How do we stop him? We're all gonna die!


Austin : [Shooting from a safe range] Cut his head off! Cut his heart out!


[Enter POLLYANNA DARLING, a delightful looking woman in an apron and wielding a huge whip.]

Pollyanna: Stop that this instant! [Strikes Romeo with the whip, catching him around the throat]


Dony: [To the group] Is she talking to us or to him?


Nikki: [To Pollyanna] Thank you! Now, I assume YOU are Pollyanna Darling?


Alice: Given that she has the whip around his throat, I guess it's us?

Pollyanna: Yes, that's me! [To Alice] No, I was talking to this idiot.

Alice: [Points at Dony] Him?

Pollyanna: No! The one who smells like he's dead.

Alice: [Points at Clint] Him?

Pollyanna: No! The zombie!

Alice: [Points at Harvey] Him?


Austin : No! [Points at Romeo] Him.

;;; away tomorrow and monday.


Pollyanna: Help me get the chain tied down again!

;;; John's off partying

Harvey: [Grabs the chain and gives it a good jerk] By the saints! This is a strong brute!


Dony: [Moves over to help] Why do you keep this idiot around?


Pollyanna: I'm trying to help him.

Romeo: She's not! She's an evil torturer! Kill her! Kill her!


Nikki: So, you're not [delicately] involved with him?


Clint: [Helpfully.] By which she means 'having sex.'


Pollyanna: Good lord, no!

[HARVEY struggles to tie the chain down, but ROMEO is very strong.]

Harvey: What in the blazes! Private Scar! Front and centre! Help me here, man!


Nikki: [To Pollyanna, trying to help Harvey] This doesn't seem like a very good long-term plan for restraining your prisoner. What do you normally do when he breaks free like this?


[ALICE and JORDAN help holding down the chain, and soon ROMEO is secure again.]

Pollyanna: I give him a jolly stern talking to, and he doesn't get any cake for three whole days!


Clint: [Goes to help Harvey with Romeo.] Hold still, freak! Or there will be no cake for you! [Takes the opportunity, if available, of putting the boot in,]


Jordan: [Looking confused] Since when do zombies eat cake?


Clint: [Still tussling with Romeo.] I dunno, but as the good book tells us, zombie cannot live by brains alone.


;;; No posts today! back to normal on Monday


[Eventually the party get him tied down.]

Pollyanna: Oh, I'm so sorry! Please, won't you come inside? I can tend to your wounds!


Nikki: What a lovely gesture, but we mustn't intrude. [Too casually] So what a does a lady like you do out here in the country to stay busy? Knitting bees and church socials, one assumes?


Jordan: Kidnapping and chaining up zombies?


Harvey: [Hopefully] Serving lunch to hungry passers by?


Pollyanna: Oh no, we don't kidnap them, we just chain them up! [To Harvey] Not only lunch, but delicious cakes too!


Nikki: But you're nice to them, right? I mean, you're not, evil? Right??


Pollyanna: [Laughs] Oh really! Would someone who makes cakes in the shapes of sparrows be evil?=


Jordan: Cakes? Excellent! Do you have muffins too by any chance?


Pollyanna: Oh. Muffins. Oh no. [Shakes her head] We don't eat muffins in this house. Can't abide them. The Devil's Shitpile, as my old Gran used to call them. [Perks up] Who likes cake?!


Jordan: Cake is good, I like cake. My companion here though [points to Alice] wanted muffins.


Alice: [Sighs heavily] That's okay. I mean, if no one else cares about the muffins, I guess I'll just have delicious cake instead.

;;; Out for an hour!


Dony: Someone once told me the cake was a lie!


Nikki: [Warily] Yes, I suppose we'll have some cake, then. Thank you very much.


Pollyanna: Wonderful! Come with me, please, and be careful not step on any zombies.

Alice: Zombies?

Pollyanna: Did I say zombies? I meant flowers!

[Exit ALL.]


[Book IX, Act I, Scene V. Pollyanna's House. ALICE, AUSTIN, NIKKI, CLINT, HARVEY, JORDAN and DONY are here, having been escorted to the house by POLLYANNA, and not having encountered any zombies. She has brought them into a huge, comfortable looking kitchen, where there is a large cake with shapes on it on the table.]

Alice: [Looks at the cake] Wow! Hey, those figures on the cake look just like us!

[This is true. There are little icing figures of each of the party members (the current line up) posing on top of the cake. The likenesses are superb, and all the figures are smiling.]


Clint: How the hell? [Eyes Pollyanna warily.] Just what are you trying to pull here, lady?


Jordan: [Eyeing the cake suspiciously] Any one feel like some music? [Starts playing the lute and casts Detect Magic]


Nikki: When did you make these? How did you know we would be here?


Harvey: I say, what are the little models of us all about, eh?


Clint: This isn't some kind of creepy voodoo doll thing, is it?


Pollyanna: I just thought they might add some fun to the proceedings! You'd be surprised how many people enjoy eating themselves. [To the party ] Anyone want a little head?


Jordan: Nah, they're not voodoo. Though we are all curious how you were able to make them like us when we have only just met.


Nikki: [Uncertainly] Well, OK. Where's the Ladies' Room?


Jordan: [To Polyanna] Why don't you tell us what you made the cake with? Wouldn't want any of us having an adverse allergic reaction now would you? After all, wouldn't be a very good party if any of us died.


Harvey: Well, best find the Gents' Room lest Private Scar gets in there first and contaminates the place, what?

;;; Sporadic posting today - meetings!


Pollyanna: It's not a question of how many, rather of the quality of life of those who do. [Cuts a piece of cake that has Clint on it and holds it up to the party] Now, I know someone wants to eat Clint!


Jordan: [Quietly, to everyone but Harvey, Nikki and Polyanna] Everything in here is magical except the cake itself. [To Polyanna after she cuts the cake] How do you know Clints name?


Pollyanna: Oh, we're just like a big family here, that's how I knew!

Alice: [Sceptically] And what could be more like being in a family than making creepy little cakes?

Pollyanna: [Chirpily] Not asking questions when one thinks the answer might be awkward! Now, why don't you all wash up?


Pollyanna: Oh, I'm sure one of you said it, Jordan. Y ou know, something like [puts on a silly deep voice] I'm Jordan, and this is my friend Clint!

Alice: Huh. That does sound like you, Jordan!


Pollyanna: Any party that has at least one survivor is a good party! [Smiles sweetly] I made the cake with love. [To Harvey and Nikki] You can wash up here. [Points to the kitchen sink, which has a fearsome, wiry looking scrubbing brush on it] Perfectly clean, please!


Nikki: [Looks nervously at the wire brush] So, do many people tend to survive your [finger quotes] parties?


Nikki: [To Pollyanna, casually poking around and looking into cabinets] So, do you get many visitors here?


Dony: And by guests we don't mean Zombies!


Austin : And are they as esteemed as we are? [Looks around the place in curiosity]


Jordan: [Shaking his head] I don't agree. [Begins to casually strum on his lute] It lacks a certain musical quality. It should sound something a little more like this [Casts Detect Thoughts]


Pollyanna: [Grabs the brush and bonks Nikki on the head with it] Stop that at once!

[JORDAN staggers back, dropping his lute.]


Nikki: [Pulls back, rubbing her head] Hey! I was just looking for some soap!


Harvey: I say! Isn't cold water purer and less hellish?


Pollyanna: Soap? Ha! The devil's lubricant! You can use hot water and the brush, all of you!


Clint: [Eyes the brush uncertainly.] I say we take our chances with the zombie!


Austin : I disagree, our current host has far better manners and personal hygiene.

;;; awa hame!

;;; hope that hangover has a swift departure, Conor :)


Clint: [Snorts.] That brush'll ruin your girly manicure, lawyer. Not that there's anything wrong with ruining your girly manicure!


Pollyanna: [Turns and smacks Clint in the face with the brush] Stop that snorting at once!

[CLINT staggers back, nose bleeding.]

;;; Lose 5hp!


Clint: Ow! Hey, lady, what's your deal? And guys, don't we have [with huge emphasis] a job to do?


Jordan: [Slowly] Job, yeah, job [hesitantly picks the lute back up]


Pollyanna: Dirty! You're all dirty! Look at you! [Points at Harvey] Covered in blood! [At Clint] Saying you have a job to do and doing nothing? Naughty, naughty, naughty!

Alice: [Licking some icing off her finger that she's dipped into the cake] Mm! This is really good!

Pollyanna: No eating with your fingers!


Nikki: [Takes the scrubbing brush and pretends to use it vigorously] Much better!


Jordan: So, you are saying we should just go ahead and do the job we are meant to do? Without hesitation?


Pollyanna: And what job is that, Jordan? [Gives Nikki a dirty look] I've got my eye on you!


Harvey: [Munching a cake] Well, eating these delicious cakes, of course! Oh, and wasn't there something about an assassination, what?


Alice: [Dips her finger into the cake again] Oh my god. I think I want to marry this cake!


Jordan: And investigation actually. We've been tasked with looking in to people who use magic for baking cakes, and I'm sorry to say sister, this kitchen is buzzing with magic all over the place.

;;; I hate to say this, but I think it's time we pretended to be HARMA


Pollyanna: Really? By who?

[ALICE starts wiping cake all over her face.]

Alice: You guys! You've got to taste this cake!


Jordan: That is a question best asked of our commanding officer [points to Harvey]


On 19 December 2012 10:24, Marc-Andrew Hunnam Nicholas

Harvey: [Angrily, to Alice] But then there'd be less for *me* to eat, what? By the saints this must the be best cake in all creation!


Dony: Hey! Yous might thinks he's a commander, but he ain't no commander o' Dony, unnerstand? [Scoops up some cake and eats it] Man! That is good cake!


Austin : [To Dony] It sounds as if you have just been drafted.


Alice: Taste some of this cake, Aus! It's delish! [Scoops up some in her hands and approaches Austin]


Austin : [Avoids and dodges Alice as best he can] Get that away from me! You foul and grubby urchin!


Harvey: I say, not eating the cake seems to be having an odd effect on Private Sleaze, what? We'd best get him to eat some, eh?


Austin : I am perfectly fine Colonel, the cake is clearly drugged or magical and it is effecting your thoughts! [Tries to escape from the room, and lock them in]


Jordan: [To Polyanna] Okay Polybird, why don't you tell us what's going on here? Why are my companions here so obsessed over your cake and hell bent on making the rest of us eat it too?

;;; Out for an hour


Nikki: [Watching Harvey and Alice, appalled] And eating it so sloppily, too! [A bit wistfully] Though it does look fun. . . .


Pollyanna: Don't take that naughty tone with me, young man! You're not too old to be put across my knee and spanked!

[AUSTIN tries the door, but it is locked. ALICE advances, wielding a large amount of cake, but he skillfully avoids it.]

Alice: [Spots that some cream has fallen on the floor] Hey! [Scoops it up and eats it] Mm!


Jordan: [Frowning at Pollyanna] well then, how about a little music to go with our cake eating party then?


Dony: Less musice ands more cakes I says! [Continues eating]


;;; Hi, everyone! Your busy GM is in a meeting

;;; and asked me to pause the game for him.

;;; Annnnnd--pause!

On Wed, Dec 19, 2012 at 8:09 AM, Day, Kevin R. (Las Colinas) NA


And on that note, I should add that I'm off for the holidays. Hope everyone has a merry Christmas and a happy New Year and sings plenty of traditional Boxing Day carols!


Pollyanna: No! No music!

[DONY continues to stuff his face, eating the figure of himself as he does. He suddenly grabs his stomach in pain.]

Dony: Heys! What's with the painses?


Pollyanna: Jordan! Indoor voice please. We wouldn't want people to think you're rude, would we?

[Bam. JORDAN punches POLLYANNA square in the nose and knocks her to the ground.]

Alice: [Now covered in cream] Hey! What's wrong with you?


Harvey: Gah! It's worth the pain! [Continues eating the cake]


Jordan: She's a bloody voodoo witch! [Tries to punch Pollyanna in the face]


Jordan: [Yelling throat killingly loud] Sod bloody manners! [Grabs the closest sharp pointy thing and attempts to pounce on Pollyanna, to pin her to the ground and stab her repeatedly]


Austin : [Looking shocked and pale] That is no way to treat our hostess! There must be other avenues that we can explore! Avenues with amicable outcomes for both parties!


Harvey: Perhaps sue for food poisoning, what? [Goes to Help Jordan]


Alice: Hey! Just because the cake contains food poisoning doesn't mean we should hurt her? [Eats some more cake]

[JORDAN grabs a knife and leans over POLLYANNA, only to get a swift kick to the groin, before being thrown at HARVEY, causing the two of them to fall to the ground. POLLYANNA leaps up, as DONY writhes in pain.]

Pollyanna: You people are so rude!


Nikki: [Grabs a saucepan and holds it up like a weapon] Hey! Enough of that. We're just trying to figure out where we are and what's going on.


Clint: [Draws his sword] And why someone wants us to kill you, but that's starting to become obvious!

Pollyanna: [Picks up the Clint icing figure] You all deserve punishment! Naughty, naughty, children! [Breaks the leg off the icing Clint]

[CLINT falls to the ground, screaming in agony.]

Clint: My leg! Ow!


Jordan: [Picking himself up off Harvey, clutching his back] Sorry sir, that wasn't intended [glares at Pollyanna] Before we kill you, at least tell us why Sloggoth wants you dead.


Harvey: Perhaps she wouldn't let him have any cake, what?


Last from John 60

Pollyanna: [Picks up the icing Jordan] Because he's a very naughty boy! Now,stand down before I have to bite your head off.=20=


Last from Conor 61

Jordan: I Know how to stand up, I just did that, but how in the realms does one stand down?


Harvey: [Angrily, to Pollyanna] Put him down this instant! After Alice, Private Scar, Private Sleaze, Private Dur, Private Dony, Private [Gestures vaguely to Nikki] Whoever-this-is, and Private Parker-Kensington, he's my best trooper! Though Private Dur and Private Parker-Kensington seem to have deserted...


Nikki: [Tries to grab her cake] Save the cakes!

;;; Poor dead, disrespected Charlie!


Dony: Does eatsing them count as savings dem? [Stuffs his face through the pain]


Austin : [Tries to grab his likeness from the cake and protect it. To Dony] Just make sure you swallow it whole! [Austin tries to do this with his likness]

;;; Have a great Christmas every peeps!

;;; back on the 8th Jan 2013 :)


Pollyanna: Here's how you stand down! [Bites the leg off Jordan's figure]

[Almost immediately, JORDAN's leg falls off and he falls to the ground.]

Pollyanna: [Menacingly] I'm going get me a blender! [Turns to the other figures]

;;; And there we will break for Christmas, have a great time everyone!

;;; We'll restart on January 7th


Alice: [Gobbing up some cake as she calls out] Noooo! Don't let her steal the lovely cake! [Leaps onto Pollyanna's back, just as Austin snatches the Austin figure]


Nikki: [Shrieks] Save the cakes! [Tries to grab as many of the people cakes as she can]


Dony: Oh! Sure..... NOW it's stabby time? [Tries to help Alice by stabbing at Pollyana if he can]


Harvey: [To Dony] Quite right, Private! [Attempts to grab some cakes, then notices how tasty they look] I say, perhaps just a nibble, what?


Jordan: [Screams in shock at seeing his leg just fall off]


[NIKKI grabs the remaining figures as DONY distracts POLLYANNA by stabbing her in the leg. Meanwhile, HARVEY grabs the rest of the cake.]

Alice: Let's get Jordan and Stinky and get the hell out of here!


Nikki: [Offers Jordan her arm] Here, let me help you!


Jordan: [Taking the help most graciously] Thanks Nikki!

;;; The way Nikki's post is worded, I can't help but wonder if her arm

is still attached or not when she offers it to Jordan.


;;; Dom is out today, but this is what he tried to do before the break

Austin: Eat your own figure! And do it whole! [Manages to swallow the entire Austin figure]

Pollyanna: You idiot! [Tries to grab at Nikki]


Nikki: [Tries to dodge Pollyanna] I don't want to think what might happen if this doesn't work! [Tries to eat her figure]


Jordan: Someone get mine for me!

;;; I think Pollyanna still has hold of it


[POLLYANNA misses grabbing NIKKI, and ALICE sinks her teeth into her calf.]

Alice: Let's see how YOU like it!

[POLLYANNA gives a shriek and drops JORDAN's figure, which AUSTIN scoops up.]

Austin: Quickly! Everyone eat your figures! They -- oh. Ow. Ow! [His face starts to get covered in blisters, as though being burned]


Jordan: Austin, you idiot! You're digesting yourself!


Austin: [Screams like a girl] Noooo!

Alice: Quickly! Make yourself sick! Think about Clint naked!


Jordan: I think that's enough to make anyone feel sick [mimics retching] I've got an idea! [makes his way, on one leg, to his lute as quick as he can, using it to cast Charm Person on Pollyanna as soon as he reaches it.]


Clint: Hey, I don't insult you, and your poetry is complete crap! [Prepares to attack Pollyanna if Jordan's spell fails.]

;;; So I've been on the phone with my cable provider for about 3 hours

over the past weekend, trying to get the blasted internet back up.

;;; Have tried two different computers to the router as well as straight

to the modem, two different ethernet cables, two different coax

;;; cables, and two different cable modems. I think I've finally got

them convinced it's not my fault! Hopefully I'll be able to get email

at home in the

;;; next couple of days. We'll see, eh?


Harvey: [Confused] I thought crap poetry was rather the point. [Tries to defend the remaining cakes]


Austin : [Starts crying as his face blisters and burns] Help meeee!


Alice: Make yourself sick, Aus! Come on, we've all done it at some stage, right?

Pollyanna: Die! You're all going to die! [Grabs a large knife that's near a huge, walk in fridge] Naughty! Naughty children! So dirty! Making me spend all my time cleaning!


Nikki: That's what all of this is about? Couldn't you just hire a maid?!


Austin : [To Alice] With a highly trained gag reflex like, mine, it should not be a problem! [Sticks two fingers down his throat to try to vomit his mini-self up]

;;; yep.


Pollyanna: [Enraged, to Nikki] Of course not! All that flouncy around speaking in fake French accents? They cause more uncleanliness with their filthy attitudes!

[AUSTIN expertly puts his fingers in his throat, almost immediately the floor is showered with steaks, chops, a soused pigs head, complete with apple, golden honeyed locusts, jellied eels, thrushes ankles, snakes feet, crispy popadoms and curried brussel sprouts.]

Alice: Wow, Aus! That was some party!

[Finally, an almost perfect icing figure of AUSTIN pops up and lands on top of the pile. POLLYANNA gasps in horror at the disgusting mess all over the floor.]


Austin : [Grabs his likeness if he can. To Pollyanna] Look what you made me do, you horrid witch! That's all your fault! [Tries to shoot Pollyanna]

;;; assuming we have weapons? I think we do,


Dony: [Continues to try stabbing at Polly] Whys wont this broad just die?

;;; Errr, also Dur asked me to convey the following message after Austin hurled up his cake. Ahem.... "Mmmmm, Cake!"


Clint: [Attacks Pollyanna as well.] It's an evil chick thing. [Glances at Dony.] I bet you've had an ex with the same problem!

;;; So, internet back, brand new modem is theoretically fully compatible with

;;; ISP and with service but refuses to activate, back to old cheap slow

;;; modem. *headache*


[AUSTIN shoots POLLYANNA, but the bullet just bounces off her and hits DONY, who's stabs also bounce off her.]

Pollyanna: Disgusting! Disgusting! [Starts to clean up the vomit]

Alice: Let's get out of here! [Looks at the disgusting pile of vomit] Thank God Dur isn't here!

;;; Just for you, Kevin!!


Nikki: [Gapes at the ineffective attacks] She must have some kind of weakness! [Watches Pollyanna cleaning, in a low voice] Maybe we need to make a huge mess, and she'll work herself to death?


Alice: You mean, like do a big jobbie in the middle of the floor?


Clint: [Unzips his pants.] I'm your man! [Finds a corner and does the unthinkable.]


[Before CLINT can get to his corner, POLLYANNA breaks another leg.]

Alice: Come on! Let's get out of here!


Nikki: [Watching Clint, horrified] Agreed! [Helps Jordan outside]


Austin : [Horrified at Clint, helps Nikki assist Jordan, by opening the door if he can] Help Mr Scar! We'll get Jordan out!


Harvey: I think Private Scar's fine! It's the contents of his underwear the rest of us should be worried about, what? [To the others] It's no longer safe here - this is a highly hazardous area! We must extract the civilians, what?


Clint: Come back here, you cowards! [Pulls his pants on and tries to cover the retreat as best he can.]


Alice: [To Austin] Hey! Why do I have to help Clint? His pants are almost off, ew! [Grabs the Austin figure from the pile of vomit]

[Somehow, everyone is bundled out the door that they first entered through.]

Pollyanna: Filth! Filth everywhere! Pure T filth! [Sets about cleaning the disgusting mess]

;;; End of scene, next one coming right up


[Book IX, Act I, Scene VI. Outside the house. ALICE, AUSTIN, CLINT, HARVEY, NIKKI, DONY and JORDAN are here, covered in cake and blood. JORDAN is missing a leg, but isn't bleeding, while both of CLINT's legs are broken and AUSTIN's face is covered in burns and blisters.]

Alice: Let's hide out in the shed! She's bound to come after us!


Nikki: [Tries to help Jordan to the shed] How can we stop her? Perhaps we could burn her house? The mess that would create would surely paralyze her!


Alice: Are we sure that the fire would hurt her? And what if she makes another cake with us on it?


Clint: [Dragging himself to the shed.] I think we need a distraction, then someone can sneak in, make a cake with *her* on it, and eat that!


Jordan: Not that quick she can't. Ah, that's it! We lure her out, then whichever of us can make a cake makes one with her on, then we destroy her icing model to kill her!


Alice: Brilliant, Jordan! Just brilliant! That's way better than Stinky's stupid idea!

[The party get into the shed, where ROMEO is waiting, still chained up.]

Romeo: So. Have some cake?


Last from Conor 5

Dony: [Cracking his knuckles loudly] Maybe dis guy knows how to take hers outses.


Jordan: Thanks Alice. [To Romeo] I didn't touch the cake.


Romeo: [Laughs] But Pollyanna did!


Austin : [Shakily putting cream on his face, looking horrified into his pocket mirror. To Jordan] Pass me my sugary likeness please, it may help to put some cream on that too.


[AUSTIN gets the figure and gently rubs cream on it. Incredibly, it seems to almost immediately heal it, and, seconds later, his face starts to get better. He still has some marks, but is clearly in less pain.]

Alice: Wow! Well done, Aus!


Nikki: [Excited] Can we repair Jordan and Clint, as well?


Austin : I hope so, but more importantly, why did I vomit up chops? I hate chops, lamb, pork or otherwise, I and I always chew well before swallowing [Ponders] Well, mostly.


Alice: Sure, but when the food is that delish, it's only natural to scarf it all back. Although... where did all those diced carrots come from. Thank God that Bonald is dead or you'd really be in trouble. So, who's going to try and fix Stinky and Jordy?


Austin : [Considers the issue] Well, do we have all of the requisite parts, or will we need to fashion some replacements?


Harvey: Quite. [Thinks] Well, I'm sure you'll do a good job, my dear!


Jordan: Good thinking. You may just well be able to reattach my leg. Now we just need to think of a distracti [pauses mid-word] who's Bonald?


Alice: Oh, just some guy... we were married for a while and I ate his brain, but you know, it wasn't really anything really serious.

;;; Heather's AFK

Nikki: I think we'll have to make our own ones. [Picks up a scoop of icing] Who's good at making legs?


Dony: Don't looks at me. I'ms only good at BREAKING legs!


Austin : [Donning some latex gloves] I shall fashion you the most beautiful legs anyone has ever seen. [Tries to sculpt some beautiful legs for the miniature, using his manicure kit]


Nikki: [Watching Austin, nodding approvingly] Great! [All business] Now, how are we going to create a diversion for Pollyanna? [Nods subtly at Romeo]


Romeo: We could have the place attacked by a zombie horde. That would catch her attention.


Harvey: So you have a zombie horde waiting somewhere, ready and willing to join in our attack as valuable allies? Well, why didn't you say so?!?


Romeo: Valuable allies? Uh, sure! [Pause] Uh, do any of you have any brain tumours or anything?


Clint: Check the poet!


Romeo: That's not you, right? 'cause I gotta say, both you and the other guy... well... you tasted a bit funky.


Clint: [Nods.] Haw! Then you won't be trying to eat us anymore. [Turns to the party.] And that's why you need a nice manly sense of hygiene!


Romeo: And do you all taste like that? [Looks disgusted] You people need to get checked out by a doctor!


Jordan: If it means you don't want to eat us then yes.


Austin : [To Jordan] He has already tried to eat us, and he will try again, and again. That's what zombies do! We should destroy him and put him out of his misery.


Romeo: Hey! Don't you judge me! I don't even want to eat you people. I thought humans were supposed to taste nice!


Nikki: [To Romeo] Would you like to help us destroy your cruel mistress, then?


Romeo: No! She's cruel, but it's all part of a sexy game! Now, if you want my help destroying Pollyanna, well then, that's a different matter. Me and the horde, we've got a few things we'd like to talk to her about.


Harvey: Um, well, excellent! I think....


Romeo: Great! Now, how are we going to kill her?

[AUSTIN has finished fashioning a new pair of legs for each of CLINT and JORDAN.]

Alice: [Looking at the legs] Wow! Very nice, Aus. Maybe a bit feminine, but very good. Should we just stick them on?


Nikki: Yes, we might as well attach them with a bit of icing! [Watches expectantly]


[AUSTIN delicately smoothens out JORDAN's leg. Almost instantly, the party can see the relief on JORDAN's face, and he leaps to his feet, cured.]

Alice: Yay! Well done, Aus!


Dony: Seems likes yous people should have a Doctor in your group!=20

;;; Ha!


Alice: Nah, we just got a Dur instead!


Austin : [Finishes the icing legs operations, removes his gloves and puts his manicure kit away. Admiring his work] Hmm, a little palm oil and sunshine and they will be perfect!


[AUSTIN sticks the legs to CLINT, and immediately, his legs grow back, albeit far more shapely and feminine than before.]

Alice: Why, Clint! Just as well it's almost bikini season!


Nikki: [Impressed, hands Austin her cake] Here, give me bigger breasts and a face lift!


Romeo: Hey! Don't you think it would be better to use that extra icing to make a figure of Pollyanna before she gets out? I mean, I know you're an ugly bint and all, but come on!


Harvey: Don't be ridicoulous, man! Now, give me a promotion to Field Marshal and be quick about it!


Alice: [Haughtily] Well, I'm perfectly happy with my appearance. Everything is big enough.

Romeo: Maybe he could take some of the icing off your ass and use it for her boobs?

Alice: Hey!


Nikki: Oh, yes! [To Austin] Whip up a little Pollyanna, would you? And, if there's any icing left over [waves her cake] . . . .


Austin : Fantastic idea! [Starts working on an icing Pollyanna] I will consider your other requests once this is done.


Romeo: So, now that we're all groanies, how about letting me free? [Gestures to a key off to one side]


Austin : [To Romeo] We will have to wait and see if we have enough icing left.


Jordan: Thank you very much Austin [tests out the new legs] if only we had time to fix my back. [Looks to Romeo] We'd love to set you free, but last time we spoke you wanted to eat us, you tried to eat us in fact. How do we know it's safe for us to let you go?


Romeo: Because I hated the taste of you people! And anyway, how do you think you're going to get even close to her house without being spotted?


Jordan: I hate to say it, but Romeo here does make some valid points. [To Harvey] What do you say Colonel sir?


Harvey: Hmm, we could disguise ourselves, what?

;;; Hometime!


Nikki: Couldn't we [grimaces] gouge out her cake eyes? Perhaps remove her ears and nose, too?


Alice: And why can't we do it from the comfort of our own [looks around] uh, shack?

Romeo: Because it only works inside the house. That's why she had to get you in there.


Austin : But I just made new legs for Jordan and Mr Scar, and that worked out just fine!


Romeo: Sure but their figures were created in the house, not in here!


Austin : Perhaps we should burn the house down!


Romeo: You know what would help with that? Letting me free!


Nikki: [Looking at Romeo] What do you guys think? Should I let him go? You're the experts on [vaguely] adventuring!


Austin : Certainly not! He has done nothing to us but lie and try to eat us!


Dony: [Disinterested] Besides that, where the funses in stabbing a guys that's already dead!


Clint: I figure we let him go, because if nothing else, it'll really torque Polly off!


Romeo: Hey! When did I ever lie to you people? I never did! Not once!


Nikki: [In a low voice] It would create a distraction if we let him go, wouldn't it?


Clint: [In a normal voice.] Haw! It sure would. Particularly if he promises to attack the house or something like that!


;;; Drew is out today

Jordan: But can he be trusted?

Alice: Maybe we could ask Pollyanna? She's heading this way!


Nikki: [Gasps] Hurry, let's let him free! [Tries to free Romeo]


Romeo: Good idea!

[NIKKI frees ROMEO.]

Romeo: Quickly! We've got to get out of here!


Austin : [Alarmed] Where to?


Clint: Around the back, of course!


Harvey: Ah, a tactical withdrawal, eh? Good plan, what?

;;; Sorry, folks, been busy at work!


Romeo: As far away from that crazy bitch as possible!

Alice: Hey! I'm standing right here, you know!

Romeo: That's what I'm afraid of! [Heads out the back] Come on, you'll be safe with the zombie horde!


Austin : That sounds both unlikely and very, very foolish! [Follows]


Clint: [To Romeo] You think you can talk them into helping us with Pollyanna? [Practices shambling, in case he needs to disguise himself as a zombie.]


Romeo: You think they're just gonna eat you instead? I'm sorry, no offence, but even zombies have their standards. You people are just too disgusting!


Austin : [To the party and others] Do you think that we can trust him? I don't!


;;; Heather is out today

Nikki: Probably not, but he's still more trustworthy than Pollyanna! Maybe we should figure out a plan before meeting this horde?


Dony: [Agitated] There is entirely too much talking going on and not nearlyenough stabbings!


Austin : Well, we need to keep Pollyanna out of the house whilst we go into the house and make an icing likeness of her, then you can do some stabbing.


Alice: The word, Austin, is stabbingses, right's, Dony?


Dony: Now? [Getses his knifeses ready] =20


Alice: Soonses!

[Exit ALL, into a dense wood behind the shed.]

;;; Endses of Sceneses!


Clint: Less talking, more getting the hell out of here! [Heads after Romeo.]


[Book IX, Act I, Scene VII. Beyond The Woods. ALICE, AUSTIN, CLINT, HARVEY, JORDAN, NIKKI and DONY are here, along with ROMEO. They have passed through a very dense wooded area and come out to a large clearing. Off in the distance they can see what appear to be thousands of figures waiting.]

Romeo: Now, I don't want you guys embarrassing me in front of my horde!


Clint: Haw! Then we won't ask why your horde didn't come rescue you!


Harvey: Quite! Now, Private Romeo, if you'll just have them form up, I'll inspect my new army, what?


Romeo: [Defensively] Hey! They're a horde! They're really busy! Anyway, I'm sure they're frantically coming up with plans to rescue me as we speak. [To Harvey] And they don't [with disgust] form up, they RAMPAGE!


Clint: That's my kind of horde! As long as they rampage when and where we need them to, anyway.


[A zombie, MERCUTIO MERCO, comes shambling up the party.]

Mercutio: Mm-mm! Something smells nice!

Romeo: 'sup, Merc. I'm baaack!

Mercutio: Uh... that's great, Dave.

Romeo: Romeo!

Mercutio: Yeah! That's what I meant! I see you brought some take-away! Bagsies I get the fat one!


Clint: [Shambling.] You wouldn't like him. Tastes like old people!


Mercutio: Him? [Peers at Alice] She almost looks like a female to me.

Alice: Hey!


Clint: Oh, *that* one! Tastes like cheap perfume.


Austin : [To Clint] And how would you know, Mr Scar? You clearly have no olfactory capability and besides, how long have you been a zombie for?


Nikki: [To Clint, relieved] Oh YOU'RE a zombie, too?! That explains a lot. [To Austin] I didn't think a living being could smell like that, but reanimated flesh--possibly!


Alice: [Scoffs] Of course he's a zombie! Poor brain power? Inarticulate mumbling? Laughable motor skills? I mean, either this guy's a zombie or he's and Irishman who's been thrown out of a bar at 4AM!


Harvey: [Shocked] But he's never once eaten my brains! [Thinks] At least, I don't think so...


Alice: [Reassuringly] Don't worry, Harvey, you'd definitely remember if he'd eaten your medial temporal lobe!

Mercutio: So, do you want to come over to our camp for the feeding frenzy? Or would you prefer us to chase you while you run away screaming?


Nikki: [Muses] I suppose the second one? Could you perhaps be sporting about it and chase us to Pollyanna's home, at least?


Clint: [Shambling.] Grr. Argh! [To the party.] Get running already!


;;; Drew's out for a few days

Jordan: Hey! Hang on a second! [Throws a rock at Romeo] You said you'd help us!

[Bonk. The rock hits ROMEO.]

Romeo: Ow! Look, there's no need to be mean about it! [To Mercutio] It's true, they want the same thing as us!


Clint: [Nods.] It's true! I bet Pollyanna tastes great! All that baking, that sort of thing.


Mercutio: And I guess she is the one who has turned us all into zombies in the first place. [Fixes the party with a steely glare] How do we know you won't suddenly turn against us and start eating our brains?


Nikki: Well, most of us are on diets [points discreetly at Alice and Harvey] , and the rest of us are much slower [gestures to herself and Jordan] and stupider [gestures to the rest of the group, including Alice and Harvey again] than you. So, what chance do we have?!


Clint: Besides, what kind of weird living person eats a brain? That's a classic zombies only thing! C'mon, what do you have to lose? [Shambles.]


Mercutio: Okay, okay! You've got a deal. What's the plan?


Clint: [Puzzled, and shambling.] We eat Pollyanna! Grr! Argh! Braaaaains! Plans? Zombies don't need no stinking plans!


Austin : Well there is a first time for everything. The plan is that we all rush and attack Pollyanna whilst she is out of the house. While she is distracted, a small group of us sneaks into the house and one of them who is well versed in making icing miniatures of people, makes and icing miniature of Pollyanna, then we kill her! [Pauses] I happen to be highly skilled at sculpting icing miniatures.


Mercutio: [Irritably to Clint] Of course we need plans! Zombies are a highly organized collective. We always analyse everything meticulously. You think a horde like this just happens? [To Austin] Good plan, but where will we get a camel at this hour of the night? On a Sunday?


Austin : [Flustered] Camel? What are you talking about? We don't need any camels!


Nikki: [Shudders] The secret ingredient of the icing isn't CAMELS, is it?!


Mercutio: Of course not! [To Austin] You quite clearly said that we need a camel to built the boat, [to Romeo] didn't he?

Romeo: I thought he said that nothing would happen until after the fish ate the burger.

[Awkward silence.]

Alice: Er, so I guess zombies aren't the best plan makers, after all!


Nikki: [Wisely] Perhaps it's merely that they do not hear well, what with rotting ears to cope with!


Harvey: [Musing wistfully] Ah, I remember the nomadic nomads of... well, I forget the name of the place, but anyway they made ice cream by cooling camel spit. Phili only knows how they did it, what?


Alice: [To Harvey, disgusted] Camel spit?

;;; Drew's still out

Jordan: I don't think it was Camel SPIT. I had some. It was surprisingly good. [Gives a slight jerk as though his back spasms]


Harvey: [To Alice] Oh, yes. They were experimenting with the semen and snot for more variety, what? Oh, and they had this wonderful beer as well. [Frowns] Wasn't sure about the dumplings, though...


Dony: That's disgustinges! Yous guys eat this crapses?


Harvey: Well, as I said, I wasn't impressed with the dumplings, so I didn't have many of them, what?


Jordan: [Laughs at Dony's discomfort] It was great. And anyway, the ice cream was really melty, so it was more of a drink than a meal.


Clint: [To Mercutio.] Say, what you guys been eating recently. Maybe I'll stick with you! Now, my faithful horde, to the cabin! [Shambles that way, hoping the zombies will just sort of follow.]


[Incredibly, they do start to follow.]

Alice: Incredible! Come on, let's do the same. [Starts shamble, zombie-like after them]

Mercutio: [Stops, aghast] Oh my God! You are so racist!


Austin : [Walking gracefully] Just give her a chance, she has only just met your people and is trying to fit in!


Clint: Braaaaaains! [Aside, to Alice.] Don't give the horde a reason to eat you!

;;; Huh. So in a hurry, "horde" can get typed as "horse." Good to know!


Romeo: Oh, so now we're [finger quotes] you people?


Austin : [Indignantly] I said 'your people'.

;;;awa hame


Romeo: Hey! That's OUR word!!


Clint: Less talking, more rampaging!

;;; Someone should probably double-check the email addresses to make

sure I got

;;; everyone without typos.


[The party and the horde advance through the wood, and soon come out on the other side, near the barn of POLLYANNA's house.]


Dony: [Looking frightfully gleeful] I senses some stabbinses coming upses!

;;; Is it just me or is DOny starting to sound more like Gollum?


;;; Heather's afk

Nikki: [To Romeo] Tell the horde to be quiet for a moment, we need to plot what we'll do next!


Clint: That's easy! The horde rampages, and we sneak in and then the lawyer here makes an icing miniature of Pollyanna, and then Alice eats it. Problem solved!


Alice: Why do I have to eat it?

Romeo: Because you seem to have eaten everything else! Am I right? [Looks to the horde for validation] See what I'm getting at? By suggesting she's eaten everything else, I'm implying that she's fat. Pretty slick, eh?


Austin : [Considers this] Hmm, a zombie with a death wish. What dedication!


Clint: If there are no more silly questions... [To the horde.] Let's rampage! [Tries to get the horde moving forward again.]


;;; Gone for the day!


;;; Wow, I go for a couple of games of pool and suddenly everyone wakes up!


Jordan: [Holding his back for a moment, sounding irritated] Yes, no more silly questions, or I will be forced to stab someone. In the eye. With a spoon.


Alice: Wow, Jordan, you're such a bad boy!


Dony: Hey! Stabbingses is my jobses!


Nikki: [To Dony] There is enough stabbing for everyone, I'm sure!


Clint: Spoken like a true academic!


Alice: So what'll we do? Go around the back of the house and wait for the zombies to attack?


;;; Out today because of the weather


Austin : Sounds like a splendid plan colonel! [Pats Harvey on the back. Winks to Alice]


;;; John is out today

Harvey: Ah, by the saints, Private Sleaze, I'm glad you're finally paying attention! Now, [to Romeo] You, Giles, isn't it? Get your men to charge with reckless abandon towards the house! [To the party] The rest of you, get ready for sneaking up behind Pollyanna's backdoor!


Clint: [Nods to the zombies.] Go on, guys. Me and my friends'll take it from there!


Alice: Uh, okay. Bye, Clint!


Clint: Cute, Bimbo, reeeeal cute.


Alice: I know I am, Stinky, but what are you??


Nikki: [To the horde] Well, don't just stand there, get to rampaging!


Jordan: [To Alice] He's stinky. [To Harvey] Colonel, I believe you have an assault to lead. [To Austin] Since you are our cook for today, if you can't read the ingredients labels let me know, I'll be grabbing my lute once we are back in there, and as all good magic users should, I know Read Magic.


Alice: I know he is, but what am I? [Looks puzzled]


Jordan: [Through gritted teeth] Well cute isn't exactly the word I'd use!


Austin : [To Jordan, deadpan] Well then, what word would you use? Or is it too complicated and clever for us to comprehend?


Alice: He means that cute isn't strong enough? [Big smile] Aw!


Nikki: [Regards the party with disgusted amusement] No wonder Charlie's publication rate dropped so dramatically after joining this group!


Jordan: I completely agree Nikki. [To Austin] How about, blonde?

;;; Heather sorry you got this one twice. First time I sent to only

you by mistake.


Harvey: I really don't see that's relevant, what? [To Jordan, pointedly] And I remind you that we have an assault to carrry out, what?


Jordan: Exactly Colonel. We are simply awaiting your order {to the rest] aren't we troop?!


Austin : [To Harvey] Colonel, the new recruits appear to require you to issue a simple order before acting, one that they can all understand and will cause them to initiate action. Perhaps shouting 'charge' would suffice.


Alice: Agreed, Aus! I mean, it's not exactly pocket science, is it? In fact, I'll do it. [Bellows] Chaaaaange! [Thinks for a moment] Huh. Well, you know what I mean!

;;; End of scene, next one coming up!


[Book IX, Act I, Scene VIII. The Back Door. ALICE, AUSTIN, CLINT, HARVEY, DONY, NIKKI and JORDAN are here, hiding behind a bush that's far too small to obscure even one of them. They can see the zombies lumbering and shuffling across the front garden.]

Alice: This is gonna be great!


Jordan: Okay, once she's out we all make haste for the door. Alice and Nikki, you help Austin if he needs it. Clint and Dony, you two protect the front door from the inside in case she tries to get back in. Colonel, you and I will guard the back door once inside in case she doubles back. Austin, you know what to do.


Nikki: [Admiringly] Why, Jordan, you are quite commanding! [Thoughtfully] You know, we could really use your leadership on the library acquisitions committee at Harbridge!


Jordan: [Grinning like he has just had his ego stroked] Why thank you Nikki. If we make it out of here alive, I'll give it great consideration. [Looking towards the front of the house] Eyes sharp team, she could leave any second now. We must be ready to move at any given moment.


Alice: Actually, I think he has a great career ahead of him in adventuring!

[POLLYANNA rushes out of the house towards the zombies, smashing several of them to pieces with a rolling pin.]

Pollyanna: Naughty! Naughty!


Jordan: [Quietly so Pollyanna doesn't hear, but loud enough for the party to hear] This is it, everyone remember your positions. Move out!


[The party rush to the back door and sneak in. The kitchen is as it was before, with plenty of baking materials and utensils laid out. Also there is a new cake with all the party on it. This time the figures are in a heap, looking like they've been killed.]

Alice: Mm! It looks delish!


Jordan: No eating the cake this time, or I'll let Dony stab whoever eats cake. [Grabs his lute] Everyone take their positions. [To Austin] Don't forget to let me know if you need help with reading those labels.


Austin : [Watching Pollyanna] I rather like her. [Pauses] Apart from the torturing us and killing us bit of course. [To the party] Let's go! [Tries to sneak into the house]


Austin : [To Jordan] No thank you. Unlike most of your friends and acquaintances, I am literate. [Takes the party's figures off the cake for safe keeping and starts work on a Pollyanna, if there is not already one there]


Jordan: [Groans in frustration] Even my literate friends and acquaintances can't read magic, whereas I can. In case you have forgotten [sarcastically] good sir, this entire kitchen, baking ingredients and all, are screaming with magic.


Austin : Well please go ahead and start reading and investigating.


Nikki: [Panicky] Do we really have time for this? We must hurry!


Jordan: [To Nikki] No, we don't, the offer was only if he couldn't read what they said. Get baking already Austin, times is a wasting.

;;; Okay that's it from me today. Been ordered to bed by the

girlfriend. I've gone hyper from no sleep all night and it's scaring

her lol


Dony: Yeahs! Picks it up guyses. So little time, so many people to stabses!


Clint: Just one, and we don't even really need to stab her, if this works!

;;; Man, when you guys restart, you don't mess around!


Harvey: But keep your weapons to hand just in case, Troop!


Alice: Myeah, mo meating make. [Translation -- "Yeah, no eating cake", said with a mouthful of cake]

[AUSTIN quickly fashions quite a fine looking POLLYANNA.]


Clint: Good job, lawyer, but now what? Do we need to bake anything or can we just, y'know, tear her in half or something?


Alice: Maybe someone should take a taste, you know, just in case?


Clint: The sacrifices I make for you guys! [Takes a corner off of Pollyana's leg and takes a taste.]


[A scream from outside suggests that POLLYANNA is less than happy about this.]

Alice: Give me a taste! [Bites off a piece of hand] Mm! Nice work, Aus!


Dony: Can I stabses the cakeses now?


Harvey: Why not eh? Cut us all a slice!


Clint: As long as you stab the figurine too! [Tears off a leg and eats it, being sure to chew thoroughly.]


Dony: [Grinning wickedly] Huzzah! [Pulls out a second switchblade and triesto dice the cake into small individual slices, albeit violently]


Nikki: [Excited] Oh, can I have the head? Can I have the head?!


Dony: Hey, whatever you wantses toots.


Clint: [Obligingly tears off the head and hands it to Nikki.]


[More screaming from POLLYANNA as the party tuck into quite the most delicious icing they've ever tasted. They go to the window where they see the zombies tearing her apart.]

Pollyanna: [Looks at the party, just as she's being savaged by the zombies] You fools! You've no idea what you've done! None at all!

Alice: Uh, I think we've just killed you.

Pollyanna: Oh, well, maybe you do, but it's worse than that. There's moooooooooo... [tails off as she dies]


Nikki: [Gasps] We've turned her into a cow?!


Alice: I don't know, Nik. She was a bit of a cow to begin with!


Clint: So, mission accomplished. Let's get the hell out of here before our friends out front do something stupid!


Alice: Oh, come on, Stinky! What do you think they might do?

Romeo: [Looks up from the remains of Pollyanna] Let's kill them!

Alice: Oh. I see.


Nikki: [To Clint, exasperated] I thought these were your people?! Make them leave us alone!


Clint: [To the zombies.] Hey! What gives, guys? [To the party, aside.] Run! [To Nikki, even more aside.] And I don't have to outrun the zombies, I just have to outrun you! [Edges back toward the rear exit.]


Alice: Damn you, Stinky! Nikki, you should be ashamed, being outsmarted by Clint, of all people!

[CLINT edges out the back, only to be seized upon by MERCUTIO.]

Mercutio: Going somewhere? [Tries to bite Clint]


Austin : But what about these! [Shows the party the dead and dismembered icing figures that Pollyanna made] This can't be good, I need to fix them [Starts fixing his own figure] Barricade the doors and windows!


Starts fixing his own figure] Barricade the doors and windows!

Dony: It's stabingses timses! [Tries to jam a switchblade into Mercutio's mouth]


[MERCUTIO bites off DONY's stabbingses hand.]

Mercutio: Mm! Tastieses!

Alice: They're not broken, Aus, she just made them look like we're dead! [Stabs Mercutio with her sword] Give that back this instant!


Clint: [Attacks Mercutio.] Whatever you're doing, guys, do it fast! We're kind of outnumbered here!


Dony: Owses, my handses! [Cradles his now bloody stump]

;;; Ha! Where is Dur when you need a cleric with "Turn Undead" ?


;;; Probably eating something disgusting!

Alice: [To Clint] Whatever we're doing? We were waiting for you to do something!

Mercutio: [Gets slashed by Clint] Ow! [Calls to the other zombies] Romeo was wrong, you guys! They taste great!

[The rest of the horde advance to the front door.]


Austin : [Tries to make the party's figures look alive, starting with himself, then Alice] Just give me a bit more time!


Harvey: Well, hurry up, man! [Attacks the nearest zombie]


Nikki: [To Austin, grabbing a rolling pin to whack a zombie with] Why not make us much bigger and more formidable, while you're at it?!


Dony: Maybe we can burnses this place upses? [Tries to club Mercutio with his stump


Clint: [Attacks the zombies, trying to maneuver his way to a position where he can hold the rear door and bar it shut, given half a chance... and a bar!] Where's a lawnmower when we need one?


Austin : Good idea! One of our magic users could make these figures grow bigger? [Looks from Dur to Jordan. Then starts making himself a little suit of armor from baking foil]


Jordan: What the hell do you expect me to do? Use more icing, you idiot! [Throws a chair at the nearest zombie]

Alice: Look! There's a lawnmower outside! [Disappointed] One of the zombies is about to smash the door down with it!


Nikki: Hurry, let's barricade the door! [Tries to barricade the door with a chair]


Clint: Don't forget the other doors! And the windows! [Keeps trying to hold the zombies back so the party has time to do something spectacularly clever.]


[The front door bursts open, and the zombies pour in. ROMEO grabs NIKKI and bites her.]

Romeo: Hey! They do taste good!

Alice: [Stabs Romeo] Holy crap! What the hell are we going to do?

[Another zombie bites ALICE.]

Zombie: Ew! This ones tastes like crap!

[The zombies advance menacingly. Suddenly, there is a flash of light, and the party disappear.]

Mercutio: Oh, now, really. That's just rude!

;;; End of scene, next one coming right up!


[Book IX, Act I, Scene IX. The Waiting Room. ALICE, AUSTIN, CLINT, HARVEY, JORDAN, NIKKI and DONY are here, along with JEAN MAJEUR.]

Jean: [Looking up from his clipboard] Ah! Well done. You were much quicker than I expected! It's just as well I got back from my coffee break early than usual!


Dony: Well, most of us made it backses! [Waving around his bloody stump!]


Nikki: And I was bitten! I do hope this doesn't mean I shall become the walking dead, though it would be quite interesting in some ways, from an academic perspective!


Clint: Well, just wait until you're about 80 and still clinging to that tenured position and you'll know exactly what it's like!


;;; out for the day guys. Be good!


Harvey: Well, a speedy withdrawal was necessary, what?


Austin : And no one likes a speedy withdrawal.


Nikki: [Snorts appreciatively at Austin's comment] Oh GOD, no! [Lights up a cigarette] So, am I becoming a zombie or what?


Alice: If it was a speedier withdrawl, then neither you nor Dony would have been bitten, right?

Jean: [Dimissively] Oh, you'll be fine! Now, Pollyanna is dead, right? Do you have her head?


Nikki: [Proudly] Hell yeah, she's dead! I ate her head myself! [Sheepishly] Sorta.


Jean: Hm. Well, I can see that someone ate it, so I guess it's safe to give you a receipt. [Takes out a small adding machine and starts totting things up] Hm, add the leg, subtract a head, multiply by the screaming, and yes, I can see you've got some change due.


Nikki: [Uncertainly] Great! Maybe you could just hail us a cab and keep the change? I mean, how the hell do we get out of here?


Jean: [Laughs] Don't be ridiculous! What would I do with a llama and a fedora?


Austin : Don't you use money? [Looks at the party in disbelief]


Jean: Of course not! We're dealing with people from different dimensions every day, so money would be meaningless! There are only three things that people understand. Livestock, clothing and demonology.


Nikki: [Nods] Sure, that seems practical. But you ARE going to send us back to our dimension, right?


Clint: Let's call them Seth A and Seth B, to avoid confusion!


Alice: Which one is A and which is B?


Jean: Of course!

Alice: Speaking of demonology. I've got a question. What happened to Phili? [To the party] When he changed from being Seth to Phili, the original Phili became Seth, right? Now that Jerome is Phili, what happened? Do we now have two Seths?


Clint: Well, obviously the one who was Seth first is A! I suppose we could just ask Jerry if there are two Seths, though.


Nikki: [Baffled] Two Philis? Two Seths? Who's Jerry?


Harvey: And who is in Jerome's body?


Alice: Uh, Jerome?

Jean: Having multiple devils is the least of your worries. There are way worse things coming.


Clint: Yeah, one of the devils might have mentioned that. Be more specific!


Jean: You want to keep an eye out for the Baceks.


Nikki: [Puzzled] The Baceks? You mean the couple from the Physics Department at Harbridge? Sure, they're dull, but harmless enough!


Jean: No, not the Baczecks, the Baceks. Now, I don't have any more time. Get your llama, hat and girl, and you I'll send you back to your own world.


Clint: What are we going to do with a llama? Feed it to Dur, if we can find him?


Nikki: [Horrified] What girl? You mean like a sex slave girl?


Jean: About ... [struggles to contain laughter] about... three carriages! [Shrieks with laughter so hard that there are tears of milk in his eyes, but then stops] Hm. That doesn't make any sense at all.


;;; Called out so no posts today, apologies for the short notice


;;; Drew is out this morning

Jordan: [Irritably] Just get on with it. Where is this slavegirl?

Jean: It's up to you if you make her a slave or not, but [points behind the party] she's there.

[Everyone turns to look. There stands CHARLIE, looking perfectly healthy.]


Austin : [Gasps] Charlie! Is that really you? [Rushes over to hug her, but gives her a light pat on the back]


Charlie: [Disoriented, absently pats Austin's back] Thank you, but what do you mean? Did I disappear? What happened?!


Alice: Oh, come on you two! [Grabs the two and initiates a group hug] Come on, everyone, group hug!

Jordan: [Rolls his eyes] No.


Charlie: [Hugs Alice and then gasps] Wait, I remember, there was a gate and-- [horror stricken] where is Pestilence? Have you found Wilhelmina?


Alice: Er, well, we've got some good news and some bad news.


Charlie: [Alarmed] What did he do?! [Hopefully] I mean, whatever he did, it didn't end the world. Right? [Panicky] Oh, WHAT is the bad news?!


Alice: Actually, I think he kind of saved the world. But that's not that bad news.


Austin : No, it isn't, it's rather good news.


Alice: So, uh, someone else's turn? Aus, you want to go next?


Charlie: [Teary-eyed] He did? [Looks around] But where is he now? And where is Wilhelmina? [Growing worried] Oh, dear! She wasn't hurt, was she?


Alice: Well, SHE wasn't hurt!


Charlie: [Relieved] Thank GOD! I must find her at once. She must be terrified-- [stops abruptly and turns pale. Frantically] Wait, you haven't told me ANY bad news yet. Is Pestilence--hurt?


Alice: I'm sorry, Charlie, but he's dead. And Wilhelmina has gone on a killing spree. And a whole bunch of losers from Hallbridges were killed.

Jean: And don't forget, the Baceks means that the world is going to end in 287 days.

[Stamps a receipt.]

Jean: The llama and hat will be waiting for you on the other side.