[Book VIII, Act XI, Scene I. The Very High Tower. ALICE, AUSTIN, CHARLIE, CLINT, DUR, HARVEY, SEBASTIAN and two vats of babies are here, having just appeared. The location of the tower isn't clear, but it is up in the clouds. The party are dressed as they were at the end of the last act. Also here is GOD, who ALICE, AUSTIN, CLINT and HARVEY met way back in Book IV. He looks quite concerned.]

God: Great! Great! You're all okay!

;;; The party haven't met him since BEFORE they discovered that he

started out as a

;;; normal human (Bjorseth), then became the devil and only then became god.


Sebastian: Yeah we are, just about. Thanks! [Looks confused] Who are you?


God: The name's Phili. Although some people call me God. I gotta admit, guys, I was rooting for you!


Harvey: Well, our solid strategy and flawless battle plan made the outcome almost predetermined, what?


Austin : [Tries to give Phili a big hug and relieve him of his wallet] So glad you made it! Sorry about trying to kill Aphi, nothing personal. [Looks a little sheepish] He was a bit out of order.


Phili: [Returns the hug, apparently not noticing Austin sneaking the wallet] Nah, it's all part of the Path, he knew what he was getting into. Man, his angels, what a bunch of dicks, am I right?

[He is referring to the original angels, which, with the help of the party, he cast down to hell. They were all tiresomely snooty and holier-than-thou, types. They include CASSIEL, RASHNU, PERPETIEL, JOPHIEL and CHAROUM, who were angels of Temperance, Judgement, Success and Enlightenment, respectively. His angels, on the other hand, were a lot more rough and ready, and generally fun to be around, included SAMANDIRIEL, SACHAEL, EZEKIEL and ANGELINA, angels of Imagination, Water, Death and, well, no one was quite sure, respectively.]


Dur: Errrr.... Right. I don't think we've met before...


Austin : [Chuckles] Yes, they were certainly snooty, and dicks. Bit of a shame really, Jophiel was hot.


Sebastian: [To everyone] There you all go talking about the Path again. I'm so confused. [Pauses a moment] So let me get this right in my head, when I met you guys, however long ago that was now, you were actually already on the quest to rescue these babies? And it was all part of the Path they be rescued? [Shakes his head] Plus, we never did rescue the Fatebook from Sven. And we still don't know why the YTG's were convinced Alice was The Mother.


Dur: One step at a time man! Sheesh! Don't rock the boat on The Path!


Austin : [To Phili] So have have things been going since you became God? Everything still going smoothly?


Phili: That's right, Dur, but I know you. And I know you, Sebastian, and you, Charlie. We sure have a lot of work to do.


Charlie: What work, specifically?


Phili: [Waves a hand vaguely] I'd give it about a six. Clementine really messed things up for us. [To Sebastian] Easy, Seb, it takes years to understand it all. The Path is what it's all about, it's your path through life. Getting these babies back was just a good thing to do -- because if Bonald was able to sacrifice them, he'd have been even more powerful. As for why Alice was going to be The Mother? Well, I think he just liked her warm carrots.


Dur: Awwww, man. We've got MORE work to do? [Crosses his arms, grumbling]


Harvey: The work of a soldier is never done, Private. A true soldier is always ready to do whatever tasks are presented to him, without pause or complaint or thought for his own safety. Now, how about something to eat, eh? I believe I see a large bear which should do nicely. Mean looking fellow, but I'm sure you'll manage, eh?

;;; Sorry Kev, had to do it!


Sebastian: [To Phili] So, the YTG's worked for Bonald, and Bonald was the one who decided who The Mother was, and the reason she was supposed to be a virgin was because The Mother was just a title for whoever Bonald was going to marry and be The Mother of his demon spawn?


Austin : [Pats Seb onthe back] I think you have pretty much nailed it there Seb.


Charlie: And now God has a task for us! [To Sebastian, modestly] All in a day's work!


Clint: Well, not a normal day's!


Austin : [To Clint] Few of our days are normal. I spent a year in Mistoheusto, but only seconds passed in the Realms. Goodness knows how many months have passed since we left.


Phili: I don't think that The Mother was supposed to be a virgin, that was just some weird translation issue. You know how these religious types are. I mean, come on, Alice? A virgin?

[Everyone roars with laughter.]

Alice: [Stops laughing as realization dawns] Hey!


Phili: Just a few minutes, fortunately, but things aren't great. Because of that tilt caused be Clementine, we're under attack from all sides -- you guys shut down the attack from Ludosity, but there are still ways in. Look at this. [Gestures to huge telescope] You can see the problem through this. [Checks his pockets] Huh. I seem to have lost my wallet. Anyone got a silver piece for this? It's one of those you have to pay for.


Clint: [Rummages around in his pockets.] Well hey, looks like we have some other extra-dimensional freaks we have to gank.


[With much fumbling, CLINT eventually comes up with the goods. PHILI slips the coin into the telescope and points out two areas to the party. One is in the sky and the other on the ground, but both look like portals about to open, as they contains a shimmering circle which is just barely visible.]

Phili: Those are two dimensional cross roads. If either of them open, thousands of dimensions will attack us.


Charlie: Oh, dear! How do we keep them shut?!


Phili: We need someone to do an evil act, that'll let us shut them magically without causing too much of a tilt. [Uses his hands to show] We do something evil that'll tilt the balance towards good, and then do something good -- as in shut those portals with god-like magic -- and then the balance will tilt back to roughly where it was.


Harvey: A rather large "Road Closed" sign?


Austin : I think this will take a lot more than a restraining order.


Austin : I will volunteer to do something evil, depending on what kind of evil thing you need done, that is.


Dur: As if being a lawyer wasn't bad enough!


Charlie: [To Phili, worriedly] What sort of act would be required? [Hopefully] Killing just a few peasants with little to live for but the continuation of their miserable, soul-crushingly dull lives?


Clint: [Hopefully] I'd say being a lawyer would just about do it, right?


Sebastian: No wonder Pestilence and the others were killing and torturing! They knew what needed to be done! [Ponders] Hey Phil, would punching you, since you are God, in the face count as an evil act?


Charlie: [Doubtfully] I wish that were true, but I fear Pestilence's atrocities are the result of his nature, rather than a grand plan to save the realms. [Adds hopefully] Unless he meant to surprise me? Perhaps for my birthday?


Phili: No, that would just be annoying. And I'd probably punch you back. [To the party] It'll take something a lot worse than being a lawyer or snuffing out some miserable peasants.


Harvey: I believe not since he is God and could turn you into a cinder. In fact, it could be interpreted as an incredibly brave act for the good of the realms, and no one wants that, what? No, we need to violently abuse someone who is physically helpless, a little bit pitiful, and too simple to understand what is happening, what? Private Dur, front and center!


Dur: It is probably better not to second guess your decision on the matter...=


Pestilence: Not a chance, Charlie. He's a demon -- and Evil Cannot Resist. It's just a matter of time before he kills either you or the party. [To Harvey] You're on the right lines, Harvey. You just need to ramp it up.


Clint: You mean, we need to drop kick some babies, that kind of thing?!


Austin : Eeew! You are not suggesting that we kill the babies we just rescued! Are you?

;;; I assume that was Phili, not Pestilence!


Dur: Perhaps we could focus on the elderly and mentally handicapped? Kicking babies seems a little TOO detestable.=20


Charlie: [To Phili, full of dread] Oh, we must know! It isn't killing the poor little babies, is it?!


Clint: [Disgusted.] Yeah, good luck with that, lawyer.


Phili: No! Don't be ridiculous! It's not kicking babies, that would be crazy. They need to be dropped from a very great height.

;;; Yes, that should have been Phili, not Pestilence in my

;;; earlier post!


Sebastian: [To Charlie] That would be horrendously ironic. [To Phili] You mean from where we are now?


Austin : [Tearing up] How horrible! Is it okay if I cry while I do it? [Dabs at his tears]

;;;; awa hame


Phili: [Wretchedly] I'm afraid so. If, er, some puppies were to be killed by being crushed by them, then, uh, that would be even better.


Clint: Not according to the man code, it's not!


Phili: That'll be fine. I'm sure the babies will be crying too, and their parents.

Alice: [Horrified] What? You must be out of your mind! Why do we have to do it? [Looking like a total psycho as her face and dress are covered in blood and bits of Bonald brain] Do we look like the sort of people who kill babies?

Phili: I can't do it!


Harvey: And rather than crying, Private Sleaze, it would be much more effective if we laugh while perpetrating the deed, what?


Sebastian: Well I guess they were doomed to be sacrificed no matter what. [Shrugs while trying to sound as if he doesn't care] The balance must be preserved after all. [Moves to one of the vats with babies in] Alice, you should push the other one since you were meant to eat them in the first place. [Manages to force a grin]


Charlie: [Goes to the other vat grimly] It's all right, Alice. I'll do it. You've had a bad enough day as it is!


Alice: Hold on a second! Screaming babies irritate me as much the next person, but are we really going to do this? [To Phili] Why aren't you doing it?

Phili: And forever be known as a baby killer? Not a chance!


Charlie: [To Phili, shocked] You are merely trying to preserve your reputation?! What about our reputations? And we haven't the luxury of being deities to help take the sting out!


Clint: No way I'm doing it! I'm a lot of things, but no way I'm dropping a vat of babies onto a puppy shelter!


Phili: Ah, come on! It's not a puppy shelter! It's just a small collection of little houses in which puppies live and get looked after! [To Charlie] It's not just reputation, do you think we can have the soul of God tarnished by such an evil act?


Charlie: I don't see why not. You've probably done worse than this on your way down The Path! [Crosses her arms] My colleagues are quite right. We shan't be doing this horrible thing.


Harvey: Would this be the same God that allows Bustin Jieber to exist? I'd say his soul is pretty tarnished already!


Austin : [Indignantly and teared up, to the party] It's to save the Realms! [Tries pushing a vat of babies ontop of the puppy home]


Phili: Hey! You know what, at least Austin gives a crap about the Realms. If you people weren't so selfish, you'd help him.

[AUSTIN struggles with one of the massive vats, as the babies start to cry.]


Austin : [Grunting and straining to push the vat] Help me! You know this has to be done! [To the babies, softly] Don't cry, your suffering will all be over soon!


Sebastian: [Already pushing the other vat] Yeah guys, stop being so selfish about your reputations and help save the realms, like real Path-do-gooders would do. Now get killing these babies! [Pushes harder]


Harvey: Well, if I must be evil for the good of the realms, then so be it, what? [Starts to push a vat]


Austin : [Talking to himself] The needs of the many outweigh the needs of a few! How can we deny a direct request from our living God! At least we don't have to eat the babies!


Alice: So you wouldn't help kill Clementine to help the Realms, even though she killed hundreds of thousands of people and was the cause of the tilt in the first place, but you want to kill innocent babies who have nothing to do with it?

Phili: [To the vat pushers] That's it! Kill them! Kill them all!

[The vats move towards the edge, but will have to be lifted up over to drop. Alternatively, the babies could be thrown off one by one.]


Charlie: [To Phili, suspiciously] How do you know this is what is necessary to keep those portals closed? What if you are wrong?!


Austin : [Stops pushing. With his hands on his hips, indignantly to Alice] We all make mistakes.


Austin : [To Charlie] Good point. I was wondering about that. If Clementine killed thousands, and that upset things, then how does this fix that?


Phili: Come on, Aus! Don't listen to those idiots, and you're right, this is the chance to undo mistakes. [Angrily to Charlie] I already told you. I can close the portal, but that will cause a tilt to evil. Killing the babies is such an evil act, it will undo it. Now, stop acting crazy and start throwing the babies over. [Thinks] Although... it might be better to beat them to death.


;;; Sent to just me by accident

Austin : Wait a moment, how do we know that you are Phili? [Checks through Phili's wallet for evidence]

[AUSTIN reveals a driving licence that does, indeed, indicate that this person really is PHILI.]

Phili: Come on! Quickly! For the good of the Realms!

[A smaller, orb-style portal starts to open nearby.]

Phili: Come on! Before it's too late!


Charlie: [Goes to pick up one of the babies and watches the smaller portal] Has it started? Or is this something else? Be ready to fling babies, just in case, group! [Cuddles the baby guiltily]


Sebastian: [Picks up a baby with one hand, ready to throw, his other hand pointed at the portal ready to use Burning Hands, just in case] Be prepared either way troop, never know what's around the corner.


Phili: For crying out loud! Austin, talk to them!

[Enter SVEN, stepping through the portal.]

Sven: Haw! What've we got here? A good old fashioned baby massacre?

;;; When last seen, Sven had taken the Fatebook


Austin : [To Sven] Good to see you old buddy. Would you mind explaining what is going on. Why did you not share the Fatebook with us, and how come Phili want us to kill these babies, when Clementine's killing of thousands unbalanced the realms in the first place? I don't get it. [Hands Phili his wallet back]


Dur: [Angrily] If we have to sacrifice vats of babies to save the realms, then perhaps there not worth saving in the first place!=


Phili: [Taking the wallet] Hey, I don't make the rules, I just try to keep the show on the road!

Sven: Come on, Aus. You guys should understand balance by now. Too much good in the world, like Clementine, makes evil thrive, but too much evil lets Phili here use his power for good, such as, for example, shutting down demon attacks. [Looks at Alice] Nice dress, Shooter.

Alice: What about the Fatebook, Sven? Why did you take that?

Sven: I wanted to see my competition. Now, are we gonna kill a few babies, or what? [Steps up to the vat, but pales a little when he sees them] Wow. That sure is a lot of adorable babies, isn't it?


Dur: There has to be another way to close the portal!


Austin : Yes! [Bursts out crying at he tries to help Sven push the vat over]


Harvey: I say, does it matter that we are committing evil as a means to eventually do good? Does that count as real evil?


Phili: There's not! Even this mightn't be enough! It might be too easy a death for them! [Steps in front of Sven] Not you. Them.

Sven: Get the hell out of my way!

Phili: [To the party] Don't you see? He only wants to do it to advance along The Path!


Dur: It doesn't matter! I'm not going to do it anyway!

;;; is there any stone around?


Sebastian: [Puts the baby down] Actually, I've got a better idea. [Casts Burning Hands at Phili then charges at him to shoulder barge him off the edge]


Austin : Holy crap! [Tries to help Sebastian]


[PHILI waves his hand and sends SEBASTIAN flying, crashing into AUSTIN.]

Phili: [Takes out a sword] You fools! What the hell is wrong with you?

[Yet another swirling portal appears. Out steps DR. JEROME K. TRINDLE, BSC, PHD.]

Jerome: Hey! You had a baby killing and no one invited me? [Surveys the scene] Looks like the rumours are true. I think Phili might be starting to loose control of the place after all.


Dur: Not if I have anything to say about it! [Dur tries to cast STONE SHAPEto form stone cages around the vats of babies] What the hell are you doing= here Trindle!


Austin : [Tries to put the thought into Sven to kill Jerome, then tries to shoot Jerome] Traitor!


Jerome: Traitor? [Laughs] I saved your lives, you idiot. [To Dur] I'm here to do what you people can't.

[SVEN draws his sword and turns to JEROME.]

Jerome: Don't be stupid, Sven.

[SVEN lowers his sword, as AUSTIN pulls out his sling. DUR forms some stone cages over the vats.]

Sven: Let's do it.

;;; Jerome is referring to

;;; http://www.queens-view.com/Scripts/08.03.html#03.03.062


Charlie: [To Jerome, sword drawn] What, you expect us to believe you're here to restore balance to the realms? And not to make a power grab yourself?!


Austin : [Tries to push the vat/cage over with Sven. To Jerome] You also killed us several times and murdered my fiancee!


Dur: I don't care what he's here for, he's not going to accomplish it by dumping these babies over the edge after everything we went through to save t= hem! [Pulls his dagger]


Sebastian: [Gets up and looks around confused] Bugger it [shrugs his shoulders and casts Burning Hands at Jerome]


Jerome: [To Charlie] Can't it be both?

Phili: [Starts to smash Dur's cage] Come on! Get it over! One of the portals is about to open!


[Jets of flames shoot from SEBASTIAN's hands, towards JEROME, as SVEN and AUSTIN, with the help of HARVEY, CLINT and, grudgingly, ALICE, start to try to lift one of the vats over the edge.]

Jerome: [Does a dismissive wave of his hand and the flames bounce harmlessly away] Well played, Sven. [Runs and leaps into one of the vats, and starts to cut into the screaming babies with his sword.]


Charlie: [Looks at the portals] I see no evidence of that! I think all of you have ulterior motives! [Clutches her baby tighter and tries help Dur]


Dur: You're making me angry! You wouldn't like me when I'm angry! [Dur tries to cast BULL'S STRENGTH on himseld and launches at Jerome trying to hack = the man away with his dagger]


Harvey: [To the others] I say, do we like him when he's not angry?


Alice: [As the vat is almost up and over the edge] I don't think we like him all that much even when he's not!

[DUR leaps at JEROME and knocks him out of the vat, just as it is tipped over the side. The portal that was most open starts to close.]

Sven: Now the other one!


Charlie: [Watches the portal closing, horror-stricken] Dur, they're right! The portal is closing! [Sobbing, gently places her baby in the other vat and starts pushing it over the edge]


Clint: I say we should be getting ready to beat up whatever freaks come through the portal, not killing a bunch of babies to keep 'em from coming through at all!


Harvey: We could throw the babies at the enemy, killing two birds with one stone, what?


Dur: [Still in a rage, tries to kill or wound Jerome before rushing to try to stop the group from tipping the babies] Baby Killing Bad!


Sebastian: [Helps Dur] Kill the demons not the babies!


Phili: [Punches Sebastian, knocking him back against Dur] You fools! There are too many!

Jerome: Nothing stops babies faster than a vat of burnin' babies! [Tosses a lighting flask of oil into the second vat]


Dur: I was just thinking the same thing about the number of Phili's in the room! [Tries to jump in front of the oil flask and tries to cast SHIELD OTH= ER on the second vat of babies]


[Too late! The lighting flask hits the vat and they burst into flames.]

Phili: You bastard!

Jerome: Yeah, because burning babies is your thing. [Clicks his fingers and disappears]

;;; This is a reference to:


;;; http://www.queens-view.com/Scripts/04.08.html#song


;;; When Bjorseth (the man who eventually became Phili)

;;; admitted to burning down an orphanage, in song!


Charlie: [Horrified] Help me tip it over! At least give them a quicker death! [Pushes desperately at the vat]


Dur: Bastards! [Dur tries to cast CREATE WATER above the burning vat to putout the flames]


Sebastian: [Casts Create Water and Feather Fall on the babies]


Clint: Damn it! [Goes, reluctantly, to help push the vat of burning babies off the side.] I say we go beat the crap out of Trindle once we put these tykes out of their misery.


[SEBASTIAN and DUR cast their water based spells, and most of the flames go out, but the babies have been tipped over and fall groundwards. Meanwhile, PHILI points towards the portal that had started to close, and it shuts completely.]

Alice: What about the other one?

Phili: [Wretchedly] Er, how quickly do you think you could round up 5,000 babies?


Dur: [Still angry, tries to attack Phili himself!] Dur Smash!


Phili: [Punches Dur in the face] Hey! I'm not that bad guy here! I'm not that bad guy! [Points at Sven] He is! And Jerome!

;;; Lose 15 hp Dur!

Sven: Hey, I'm just doing what you're too weak to do, old man.


Dur: This isn't over! There's a price to be paid for killing innocent babies!=


Charlie: [Laughs] You think men like this care about such things?! We are the ones who will be haunted by this, not them! [To Phili, nodding at the other portal] And so, all of this was for nothing? We will still be invaded, after all?!


Clint: We'll just have to kick 'em back to where they came from, Chuck!


Phili: But we've bought time! If we hadn't shut that other portal, we'd be over run now. You people have to understand. Once the demons break through, there is no turning them back. At best we can delay them, but as long as they have a way in, they will destroy us.


Harvey: By the saints, Philli, just how much evil do we have to perpetrate to close the other portal, eh?


Austin : I think Phili is right. Mistoheusto, the dimension Amelia and I were stuck in for a year, did once have an indigenous population, and they were completely wiped out by demons. [Looks concerned at the other portal]


Sven: We'll find a way. This is why The Path is so important, guys. [Gives Phili an uncharacteristically menacing glare] And why there are no easy routes. [Throws an orb on the ground and steps into the resulting swirling portal]

Phili: There's nothing I can do! If I intervene, it will cause another tilt to evil, and another one might open up. You need to find a way to at least delay the demons. I have Knights that I trust scouring the Realms for ways to shut it down.


Charlie: We shall give it our full attention, as well! Have you any leads so far?


Phili: Bruni brought a Potion of Super Strength (Extra) to our dimension when she came, but HARMA got hold of it. As far as I know, someone then stole it from them at their awards ceremony.

Alice: As far as you know? I thought you were omnipotent.

Phili: Nah, that's what all the flyers say, but you know, being god is 90% PR and 10% turning up as apparitions.


Sebastian: Would it be evil if we started randomly murdering HARMA employees? Or would that be a good thing?


Austin : Good question, although I think killing is probably always an evil thing?


Phili: Yeah, it kind of is. I need you guys to help find that potion.

Alice: Hey, could it be the one that Louie took?

;;; She's referring to Book VIII, Act VII, where the party were tricked

;;; into helping Louie steal something from HARMA.


;;; http://www.queens-view.com/Scripts/08.07.html


Dur: It's as good a place as any to start!


Charlie: Agreed, but he has surely sold it to the highest bidder by now. [To Austin] Wasn't he your colleague at some point? Do you know where we might find him?


Harvey: Or perhaps you might know where the scum of the earth go to sell stolen potions?


Phili: That's probably Dementia. It's a real shit hole.

Alice: Hey! I'm from Dementia!


Dur: [Frowning] I don't think you're proving him wrong.


Charlie: [Resolved] Right, well, we had better go to Dementia then, no matter how dreadful a place it is!


Alice: [About to attack, but sighs heavily instead] Yeah, I guess you're right.


Phili: Okay. I'll put you in hotel room in the best hotel in the city, the Two Donkey Inn. [Waves his hand, and the party disappear]

[PHILI sighs sadly and looks down over the railing onto the world that he rules so lovingly and benignly.]

Phili: Damned baby! [Kicks a previously unnoticed badly burnt baby off the edge]


[Book VIII, Act XI, Scene II. A Suite in the Two Donkey Inn. ALICE, AUSTIN, CHARLIE, CLINT, DUR, HARVEY and SEBASTIAN have just appeared. The room is surprisingly nice, and has a large sitting room with several bedrooms leading off it.]

Alice: So, what the hell was that all about? Phili's kind of lost his mojo, hasn't he?


Dur: Oh he's lost more than that! Damn Path and Fatebook! Bah! I don't wantto progress down a path that has me killing babies to get ahead! [Shakes a= fist at the heavens!]


Austin : [Considering something] We may not have pleasant alternative choices. [Sighs] I really have no idea where Louie will be, he is often in Queens View, although I would guess that he is here in Dementia, it is bigger, and has more 'opportunities' [Smirks] . Of course the new Hamstrain service will take us swiftly to Queens View if needs be.


Harvey: [Incredulous] Private, how exactly would it help for us to strain our hams, eh?


Alice: Wow! The Hamstrain is ready to go? Cool! [Sadly to Dur] Austin's right, we mightn't have any other choice. Sometimes good people have to do bad things.

;;; This is not the first time a baby had to be sacrificed. Jerome had a

;;; child with Azrael, that Alice killed. It was discussed in

;;; http://www.queens-view.com/Scripts/05.10.html#baby-discussion


;;; And the deed was done in:

;;; http://www.queens-view.com/Scripts/05.10.html#baby-killing

;;; The Hamstrain is new version of the latest travelling invention

;;; that the party travelled on way back in Book I, Act VII. That's

;;; fifteen years ago!


;;; http://www.queens-view.com/Scripts/1book/1.7.html


Charlie: [Pats Dur on the head reassuringly] It's a dirty business, all right. [Sighs heavily] Oh, WHY couldn't we have just put down some peasants? Who would have missed them?!


Harvey: The peasants might have, presumably. Besides, killing common folk probably isn't quite evil enough. There's plenty of them around - after all, that's why they're called common folk. [Reassuringly] I'm sure the babies we killed were all from noble families who loved them dearly, what?


Alice: Actually, they were all orphans, so I guess that -- hey! Why are we even talking about this? Killing babies is just wrong, period!


Dur: Tell that to Phili, Baby Killer!


Clint: I never thought I'd be saying this, but I agree with the doc!


Dur: Said the Baby Killer!


Charlie: [To Dur, sharply] Do calm down. None of us enjoyed that wretched task.


Alice: Yeah! What was the alternative, Dur? Let the demons come in and wreck the place?


Dur: There had to be something! Maybe we could have tricked a group of extra-planar goons into tipping a vat of demon orphans over a cliff or somethin= g and let THEM tilt the scales!


Clint: More importantly, it was either "let them die slowly in a fire or as painlessly as possible" once Jerry did his thing.


Sebastian: [To All] Why is it up to us to sort this stuff out? I really think before we go any further, seeing as you lot all follow it and I have no clue about it, we should have a sit down and you all tell me about The Path and everything else that is going on that I seem to have gotten myself in to by helping you all the other month.


Alice: Everyone's on The Path, Sebastian. It's just that most people don't know about it -- it's like a spiritual journey through life. Every time you do something heroic you advance along it, particularly if it's to protect the Realms. However, and here's where it gets weird, to really advance along The Path, you also have to commit evil acts, because, as the saying goes, it's all about the balance.

;;; As Sven, Darius and Boddy were so fond of telling the party!


Austin : And unfortunately we have all been very very good. For many years. So now, to redress the balance, we need to go on a little crime spree.


Harvey: Always ready to spot an opportunity, eh, Private? Good man, what?!?


Austin : I do my best, colonel.


Sebastian: [To Alice] And you are all Path Ethics? If so does that mean I have to be one too since I travel with you?


Austin : You already are. I am not sure that there was ever any choice. [Smiles] Although I am sure Amelia would argue otherwise.


Alice: He's right, Seb. We're all on The Path. The only choice we have is whether or not to resist it. HARMA are against it, but so too was Clementine and her followers -- they're the Anti-Pathies. They say that it is selfish for one person to get power on the Path, that it's fairer to spread it all around. [Thinks] Although, that didn't work so well for her.


Austin : The anti-path strategy is fundamentally flawed, as it assumes complete co-operation from every other living being. Quite the most impossible approach. The HARMA's leader is clearly on the Path, and uses his power, but attempts to enforce anti-Path behavior in all of his followers. Utterly hypocritical, lacking in initiative or flare, and with a dreadful lack of taste. It has been done so many times before. All very boring.


Alice: Although he does have a delightful taste in unicorns!


Charlie: [To the party] Indeed, we have seen Clementine's way fail, and so we are left with The Path! [Resolutely] And now we must find that odious Louie somewhere in this wretched town.


Alice: Hey! This is MY wretched town! It's the greatest town in the Realms! Everyone here is friendly, it's place where people actually care about each other, a place we can call...home.

[There's a knock on the door.]

Alice: I bet that's a welcome committee with a basket of fruit and some beer!


Harvey: Private Scar, perhaps you should answer the door, what? And try not to drink all the beer, eh?


Dur: I have a better idea! [Tries to use his new x-ray vision on the door!]


Austin : We may also want to consider why Phili wants the potion, why he does not get himself, and whether or not we have alternative courses of action.


Alice: Because he's a big coward, that's why! [To Dur] What do you see?


Dur: [Shrieks terrified] Its Pestilence! AND [Voice quavering] he looks happy!!!


Charlie: [Nervously goes to the door] Stay back, group. I'll handle him.


Austin : You can be confident that no one else wants to 'handle' him.


[CHARLIE opens the door, and PESTILENCE strides in, carrying some donuts and newspapers.]

Pestilence: Hi gang! [Playfully] Who wants donuts? [Does a double take on the party] Nice outfits! [Looks Alice up and down] Brains and entrails suit you.

;;; The party, of course, are still wearing their ripped to pieces

clothes that were

;;; destroyed by Zap when he made the bouquet. The only equipment they have

;;; are the weapons given to them by Brian and the others


Charlie: [To Pestilence, sharply] What on earth are you doing?! I asked you to stay away from us.


Pestilence; Oh, come on, you're always doing that! [Offers the donuts to the party] Dig in!

Alice: She did tell you to stay away, Pets.


Charlie: [To Pestilence, sadly] No, I have only done it once before, when I tried to divorce you. But you saved our marriage by making me certain promises you are incapable of keeping. [Firmly] It's over, darling. Please leave at once.


Austin : [To Pestilence, helpfully] It was very thoughtful of you to bring donuts. [To Charlie] He deserves a third chance, doesn't he? In light of recent events it would be a little hypocritical to hold his most recent transgressions against him.


Dur: [Glaring at the rest of the group] True enough. It's not like he killed vats full of babies or anything...


Pestilence: Yeah! It's been ages since I did that. [Fond smile] What a birthday party that was! [Back to the present] Come on, what's the occasional torture?

Alice: For crying out loud! Those babies were killed to redress the balance -- he murdered and tortured those people for fun, it's totally different!


Charlie: [To Pestilence] Do be serious. This about more than the [finger quotes] occasional torture! You have been practically waltzing through perceived, and often quite creative, loopholes in our agreement from the moment we reconciled! [Miserably] I can't trust you anymore.


Harvey: Ahem, before we enter into another divorce proceeding, don't we have another portal to close, what?


Pestilence: You think I give a fuck about that? You know, it's only because of her that I haven't killed you all yet!


Charlie: [Angrily] You should care about that. Will and I have to live in this world, and it is about to be overrun by hordes of demons from other dimensions!


Pestilence: Maybe if you stopped acting like this, I'd help! Why are you hanging around with these losers?


Charlie: Because they are risking their lives to save millions of innocent people! And what are YOU doing?! Other than battering children for fun, that is?


Pestilence: It wasn't for fun, it was revenge! So, yeah, I enjoyed it, does that make me evil?

Alice: [To the others] I kind of think it does.


Last from Conor

Dur: Anyway.... what are you here for Petsy?


Austin : [To Pestilence] Yes, unfortunately I think that the enjoyment aspect is exactly the part that makes you evil. Anyway, you can't help the way you were born. Now, how is Wil?


Clint: Obviously, to bring us donuts!

;;; So if I'm more out of it than usual today, it's because I was up until

;;; real late watching replays of a pitcher for my hometown baseball team

;;; throw the 23rd perfect game in major league history, and then the US men's

;;; soccer team (or football, if you INSIST on it) winning in Mexico for the

;;; first time in, well, ever. Some things are more important than sleep!


Harvey: Pestilence is not known for his altruistic intentions, Private. [To Pestilence] Now, why are you really here, what?

;;; Now if it had been F1, I could understand.


Pestilence: To take Charlie away from you idiots. [To Charlie] Come on, let's go.


Clint: You mean, you thought you could trade us a box of donuts for Chuck here? [Pauses.] Hmm....

;;; In my country, we prefer our racing to involve going fast and

turning left!


Harvey: [Thinks] Indeed that is an interesting proposition. [Reaches for a donut] Perhaps if we were to sample a donut, to properly judge their quality, what?

;;; Heh, well they go kinda fast and sometimes turn left! :) You'll

be getting the Austin GP in a few months as well!


Dur: Whoa, Whoa, Whoa. Baby Killing aside, Charlie still has work to do in helping us close an inter-dimensional portal.


Pestilence: Come on, Charlie, let's blow this dimension and find somewhere better to hang out. [Starts to the door, but stops and holds his hand out] Come on, baby, you know you want to.


Charlie: [Doesn't take Pestilence's hand] You're right, I do. But I won't. [Gently] Never again, darling.


Sebastian: [Quietly to the others] I think now would be a good time to formulate an escape plan before he kills us all.

;;; Sorry about today, not been well this last 2 weeks and been

sleeping a lot, which meant all day today.

;;; I prefer to watch snooker, or even rugby, hell anything, as long

as it isn't football or american football


Pestilence: Oh, you have got to be kidding me! You have GOT be kidding me!

[There's a sudden bright light that envelopes everyone, which almost immediately disappears. The party are now replaced with the "QV Party Posse", the funnest, most non-threatening boy band in the Realms. There is 'SMART' ALEC (the clever one), OZZIE TEN (the beautiful one), CHUCK-E-FRESH (the mean one), DJ GENTLE CLINT (the sensitive one), DUR-TI-BOI (the wild one), H-BOMB (the heartbreaker), SEB IN-CREEDABLE (the energetic one) and EZ-PETS-E (the nice one). Everyone is now wearing eighties style lame matching boyband outfits.]

Pestilence: [Looks at the party in horror] Oh, you have got to be kidding!

[PESTILENCE explodes, showering the party in bits of leather, blood and entrails.]

Alice: [Now with short hair and looking quite male] I knew this day hotel was forbidding!

;;; And there we will pause until next WEDNESDAY, when we're back to

;;; European time. Please don't post again until you get a private mail

;;; from me explaining what's going on.

Naughty wet mil f is l o oking f or a threes ome!



For this next scene, the party will genuinely believe that they are the QV Party Posse, an irritatingly perky boy band. Having Pestilence (or rather, EZ-Pets-E) explode won't phase them in the least, and you can react as though he's just stormed off and left the band. This is a problem, because tonight is the night of 1W0RLdZ Tour -- and yes, it is spelled in that extremely annoying way.

In this scene, your character believes that they are in the band, and that this is a huge deal.

Here is a reminder of the band:


Each PC will have the personality indicated by their name -- details specific to you are below. Always refer to them


There are some very strict posting rules for this scene. Every time you make a post with an even number (e.g. 11.03.02), it must rhyme with the previous one. Odd numbered posts do NOT have to rhyme. If there is no rhyme, then BOTH PCs involved in this failure will be deducted one rhythm point. What is the implication of this? No one knows right now, but it will come back to haunt you!

Details of The Posse:

Smart Alec: The Smart One. Alec is shy and retiring, always working on some sort of maths problem. There are rumours that he's gay. He's often struggling with his weight because of his constant eating of sausages.

Ozzie Ten: The Beautiful One. Incredibly vain, Ozzie's biggest problem is passing any sort of reflective object, as he is constantly checking his appearance. All in a days work when you're a perfect ten. He often struggles to get on stage due to harassment from pre-teen girls.

Chuck-E-Fresh: The Mean One. The bad boy of the band, Chuck is constantly getting into brawls in seedy bars, and often turns up drunk or high to gigs. He once punched a girl from the "Fake A Wish Foundation", who's dying wish was to meet the band. He's also possibly gay.

DJ Gentle Clint: The Sensitive One. The poet of the band, and responsible for most of their lyrics, Gentle's love for flowers, art and nature have the more sensitive girls falling for him.

Dur-Ti-Boi: The Wild One. Chuck's wing man, Boi is a party animal, so crazy and wild that once he even met the boys from Sexy Penis. They beat him up and refused to party with him, of course, but he's still wilder than any of the rest of the Posse.

H-Bomb: The Heartbreaker. H is super smooth and suave, and can't resist chatting up the girls. His silver tongue has them swooning, and he really seems to believe his nonsensical patter, often even talking to the band as though he was courting a "Lovely Lady", as he insists on calling all women, regardless of age or loveliness.

Seb In-Creedable: The Energetic One. Creed never stops, he is constantly on the go, either exercising or doing irritating dance moves. Any time there's any sort of down time or rest for the Posse, he's the one who demands that they go somewhere hipper, and he is often bored by the banality of where the party are. However, he never seems to have an alternative suggestion.

EZ-Pets-E: The Nice One. The favourite of mothers everywhere, and beloved of all the girls, Pets-E is the one they all want to marry. He is the driving force of the band, and the one that unifies them. Having him leave is a disaster.

Context -----------

The Posse are in Dementia for the final gig of the 1W0RLdZ Tour, and things have been tense for a while, as Pets-E has complained that the Niceness Factor of the band has dropped from the dizzying heights of "Super Extra Nice" down to "Super Nice", passed "Extra Nice" and is now at the lower end of "Nice".

There was a big bust up in the room, literally minutes before the gig was due to start, in which the rest of the band told Pets-E that they were tired of him hassling them. It culminated in Chuck -- the mean one -- telling him that if he didn't like it, he could leave. His temper exploded, and he stormed off.

And now, let the rhyming being....!


[BOOK VIII, Act XI, Scene III. The Back Stage Room. SMART ALEC, OZZIE TEN, CHUCK-E-FRESH, DJ GENTLE CLINT, DUR-TI-BOI , H-BOMB and SEB IN-CREEDABLE are here. EZ-PETS-E has just left. The Posse are, however, covered in bits of exploded flesh.]

Alice: Oh, drag! What the hell happened? Why is he in such a crazy mood?

;;; Quick reminder -- post as you normally do, i.e. with your real

character name.

;;; but address the others by their Posse name. Also, the fact that the party

;;; are covered in bits of Pestilence shouldn't bother them, just irritate them


Charlie: [Flicks a piece of EZ-Pets-E's brain off her arm, disgusted] REAL mature, EZ! [To Alice] More like, why is he such a crazy dude?!

;;; The end word rhymes but the meter is WAY off!

;;; This is torture for an English major!!


Harvey: That sucks, man! Is he going to be back for the gig?


Alice: He better be, because if not, the disaster, it'll be big!

;;; We don't need no stinkin' meter!


Charlie: He's gonna wreck everything! He's such a jerk!


Harvey: Well we could go pick up some [With annoying emphasis] lay-DEEZ - y'know get those perks!


Austin : [Checking the polish on his nails] Whatever! [To the party] Dunt need him nohowz.


Last from Dom

Alice: But what about the fans? He's loved by those cows!


Austin : [Doing some ghetto moves] He ain't the saint he hollers about, it's just the biz we is all in, it ain't no sin, We all jus looking for green, trying to live clean!


Alice: And the way he exploded? That was just mean!


Charlie: We're better off without him. He was just bringing us down!


Austin : [Doing the wavin hands thing kidz do] He ain't got no shout in. He jus another clown.


Alice: Come on, it's almost time for the show!


Harvey: Yeah, EZ can just blow!


Austin : Hop on, we're ready to go! [Heads to the door, holding his crotch and doing a 'cool' swagger walk thing]


Sebastian: [Randomly switching between stretching exercises and irish dancing] Need to get on the go! Yup yup yup!


Harvey: Yeah, that's it, Seb! Pep it up!


Alice: [Opens the door] Alright! This is our time! This is it!


Austin : Yo yo! Bring it like Seb!


Alice: Said the spider, from his web! [Makes an awkard gang sign that looks like she's hanging up a phone]

;;; In a case like this, where there's a clash of odd numbers,

;;; just pick one and go with it.


Dur: [Screams in excitement] Let's rip this place apart!


[ALICE concentrates for a second, before letting loose a rip roaring fart.]

;;; Come on! He made me do it!


Dur: [Taken aback] Err.... that's the... spirit?


Charlie: [Bellows, bad-boyishly breaking a chair as he does] QV Posse in the hooooooouse!


Dur: You said it fresh! Maybe a lady will give up her blouse! [elbows Chucksuggestively]


Harvey: Hoho, not my lovely lady! [Thinks] But let me work my magic, and I'll get a lot more than her blouse!


Clint: Now guys, you should appreciate a girl for her mind!

;;; Ever since I saw Conor's instructions, I've been fighting the impulse

;;; to end this with something like "orange." I hope you appreciate my

;;; self-control!


Alice: We'll do nothing of the kind!

;;; That's why BOTH people would be penalised!! I know how


Dur: Besides that! You all know I prefer a girl's behind!=20


Charlie: You said it, Boi! You really know how to [with stagey emphasis] unwind! [Makes a lewd gesture suggesting he has a penis so long that must be unspooled, like a large cable]

;;; Sigh.


Clint: That's just so crude and unrefined!


Sebastian: So what song we playing first tonight guys? [Is doing pull ups on the door frame] I say our most energetic song EVER!


Dur: Yeah! I have to say that idea is rather clever!


Clint: I think we should start with "I'll leave you never."


[The posse head along a corridor, and can hear chants up ahead.]

Alice: Wow! There are so many fans, they must have arrived on a truck!


Sebastian: Excellent [bounces along like Tigger, clapping his hands excitedly] With our music they are now stuck! [Spoken Yoda style but using the voice of DC Douglas as Albert Wesker with a slight hint of Sean Connery for the accent]

;;; Anyone else having flashbacks to the scene on the boat in The

Princess Bride between The Spaniard and Andre the Giant?


Austin : Well slap my 'fro, n' brace yo self foo, this here iz gonna be big!


Harvey: So let's do this!


[The chanting gets louder as the Posse get closer.]

Alice: Some of our adoring fans will get a big huge kiss!


Austin : 'N some will get a huge big ...


Charlie: [Winks at Austin and shoots him with a finger gun] Love injection in her [hip thrust] love fig!

;;; Cringe!


Clint: And people wonder why I write our songs!

;;; You said it! =)


Alice: The rest of us are too busy pulling off thongs!


Dur: And the fans love us for it!


Clint: I think they love us because every song's a hit!


Alice: I think they love us because of my brain power!


Dur: [Elbows Chuck again while making the same suggestive motion with his hips] Or for all the virgins we de-flower!


Harvey: Well, someone has to teach them luuuurve, right? Now let's kick this shit into ORBIT!


Clint: [Shrugs.] Can we? Is this town two bit or four bit?

;;; Strained and unpersuasive, but it's better than "don't screw up

;;; or they'll write our career obit!" which was my first thought...


[The band's intro music starts playing, and the audience become increasingly hysterical. An ANNOUNCER's voice booms out.]

Announcer: And now, ladies, girls, mothers, grandmothers and closet homosexuals, it is the distinct pleasure of the management to present the evening's star attraction. For your listening and watching participation and enjoyment, tonight in this clearing, it will be my privilege to give you one of the Realms last living, working heroic ensembles. Here they are, back on the last night of their exclusive three-year tour of Somewhere, Somewhere else and the sub-continent. Won't you please welcome from Queens View, the QV Party Posse!

[The crowd go wild, showering the Posse in underwear as they bound onto the stage.]

Alice: Hey everybody! Do you wanna dance?


Charlie: [Points to a girl in the front row] Hey, baby! I wanna get in your pants!


[Almost immediately, the girl, MOSIA ZAMET, throws her underpants at CHARLIE.]

Mosia: Chuck-E! I love you!

Alice: Let's rock this house! [Starts to sing, very, very badly] It only takes a second girl... to give a hug!

;;; The party will sing It only takes a second (to fall in love), their

;;; super mushy number 1 hit. Have fun with the lyrics, and just

;;; make sure we keep rhyming.


;;; Also, everyone is a terrible, terrible singer, but shouldn't realize it

;;; until your second or third post!


Charlie: [Shrieks] Girl, I can't stand seeing you, girl, with that lug!


Alice: Hey Mr. DJ, put on some hugging music please!


Harvey: [Eyeing another girl in the front row] Because I think this one's a bit of a tease!


Alice: [Sounding worse with each line] But I want to to hold her...


Austin : [Croaning] ... to cry on her shoulder ....


;;; Drew is out today

Seb: [Even worse than Austin] To hear her talk about her pony... [Does a quick twirl, but ends up falling over]


Charlie: [Croaks pitifully] And tell her that dress makes her ass look bony!


Alice: [Loudly, to be heard over some boos from the audience] To pretend I like her friends!


Harvey: [Reaching a crescendo] Just as long as she bends!


[The audience start to boo as a musical interlude starts.]

Alice: [Muttering to the Posse] What the hell is going on?

;;; These next few posts are between the party only, so the crowd

;;; won't hear them. Of course, they still have to rhyme!


Charlie: [Frustrated] Maybe there's some kind of con!


Dur: Yeah! I thought they loved us?


Austin : It must be the sound engineer, he has screwed up for the last time!


Clint: Maybe it's because every line has to rhyme!


Harvey: If the engineer is female, maybe I can sweet talk her into doing a good job?


Dur: [Laughs and nudges Charlie again] Ha! By that he means polishing his knob!


Clint: Sexing the engineer won't help when you've lost your artistic soul.


Dur: Who needs a soul when you have a warm whole!

;;; seriously... I could do this all day.


Clint: A band that doesn't want to get booed off stage?

;;; You could, but what would baby Jesus say?


Harvey: Why don't we sing some more - that's sure to calm their rage!


[The musical interlude stops as ALICE nods at HARVEY's great idea.]

Alice: [Voice cracking badly] It only takes a second girl... to love this boy!


Charlie: [Squawking painfully] Girl, you know you give me so much joy!


Clint: [Bellowing tunelessly.] But that's because the first girl was being coy!

;;; I really think we need to sing My Lovely Horse at least once here!


Sebastian: [Causing people to wince in pain] Baby don't you make it worse!


Austin : [Doing some really dodgy hip-hop moves] Yo yo baby don't spit, don't curse!


[The crowd become further enraged, and start throwing beer bottles and ashtrays at the posse. Undeterred, they finish with a flourish.]

All: [Taking up an awkward pose] My Lovely......Horse!

[MOSIA storms onto the stage and grabs her underpants.]

Mosia: I'm going to start listening to Sexy Penis!

;;; End of scene, next one coming right up


[Book VIII, Act XI, Scene IV. The Hotel Room. ALICE, AUSTIN, CHARLIE, CLINT, DUR, HARVEY and SEBASTIAN are here, just as they were before the last scene. The door has just slammed from PESTILENCE storming out.]

;;; Unless you've been told otherwise, your character remembers everything

;;; from the last scene

Alice: What the hell?


Charlie: [Grabs her head and groans] Oh, how humiliating! Who could have forced us into such horrifying behavior?! And why?


Dur: I have no idea! But I kinda liked it!


Clint: Well I hated it! I was forced into being all sensitive and shit! [Scratches himself.]


Austin : It was nothing more than another of our shared nightmares. [Casually checks his hair in a mirror. Chuckles] We couldn't be that bad if we tried!


Alice: And are you not in the least bit concerned about why we're having shared nightmares? I mean, you guys all sounded just awful! I wonder why I was the only one who sounded good.


Dom #5

Harvey: By the saints, Troop, we almost die- Um, perished!


Sebastian: Actually, I really do sound that bad, that's why I turned to science and not music.


Austin : [Considers this] Hmm, the lesser of two evils, I suppose. Out of harms way! [To Alice] Well, my fans adored me because I am so very handsome, brilliant and charming, not because of some soppy love song I sang.


Charlie: Well, I find them most alarming! They must have some grave significance. But if that is so, why on earth do they tend to be so absurd?!


Austin : I am just relieved that it was nothing more than a nightmare. [Shrugs] Someone, or some thing, is playing games with us, trying to confuse us. [Ponders this] It seems that Trindle is never far behind the scenes, it is typical of the kind of thing he might do.


Alice: Speaking of which, what do we think he and Sven are up to?


Austin : [Nonchalantly] Killing babies, beating us along the Path, and giving us confusing group dreams to put us off the scent?


Alice: Well, I'm glad you're not concerned about it, Austin.


Sebastian: What happened to Pestilence?


Alice: He left!


Charlie: [Shudders] Yes, and did not explode into tiny bits!


Alice: So what now? Do we see if we can find Louie?


Austin : [Admiring Maplin. Distracted] Louie? Ohh, Louie! Why don't we could spread a rumor that we are trying to find a skilled diamond cutter. I am sure we will find Louie sneaking into this room by midnight.


Sebastian: That actually sounds like a good plan


Alice: Yay! Great idea, Aus! [Whispers something to Dur]

;;; Kevin's out until Tuesday

Dur: What? You're looking nine mound stutter? What's that?


;;; Sent to just me by accident

Austin : [To Alice] It might be best if we spread the rumor amongst other people in the town, not within the party. We could start by asking the receptionist if they know of a good gem smith or diamond cutter in town.


Alice: [Nods slowly] Ah... that might make more sense. [To Dur] Forget what I said about the nine mounds.

Dur: Forget it? I didn't even understand it!


Harvey: Troop, I happen to have a cunning plan as to how we can put out the word about us looking for a diamond cutter. [Marches to the door of the hotel room, opens it, and shouts as loud as possible in a booming voice] WE ARE LOOKING FOR A DIAMOND CUTTER!!! [Slams the door closed. To the party] See how cunning that was, eh?


Charlie: [Winces and covers her ears] Not terribly! [To the party] Now, let us pursue Mr. Sleaze's suggestion, in a rather more subtle and altogether less ear-splitting way [dirty look at Harvey] . Let us go downstairs and begin!


Harvey: Hmmpf! [To Charlie] I'll remind you who is in charge, young man! Now, let us go downstairs and begin!

;;; Subtle? Harvey can do subtle! :)


[The party head down to the reception, where the receptionist on duty, JANE DANE, looks up and gives them a huge smile.]

Jane: Hi everyone! It's great to see you again!

;;; Alice, Harvey and Austin met Jane way back in Book IV, Act I, when

she was the receptionist

;;; at the Hierophantic Knights Ultra Secret Symposium 1280 in

Asphyxia, where Jerome

;;; subsequently killed Lucy. (http://www.queens-view.com/Scripts/04.01.html)


Sebastian: And for some of us for the first time [says with a smile]


Clint: [Nods, still trying to process it all.] Hi. I've just woken up from the worst nightmare. [Shudders.] I think I was gay in it!


Austin : So no change there then. [To Jane, calmly] Hi. How are you?


Clint: [To the rest of the party, sotto voce.] Hey, was the lawyer replaced by a pod person?


Sebastian: Maybe the pod person was replaced by a lawyer?


Alice: Poor pod people.

Jane: [Irritably to Sebastian] Excuse me! I'm trying to talk to my friends, here! [To the party in general] I just love all the letters!


Austin : [Carefully] Ah, yes the letters. [Glances at the others. To Jane] Did you get them all? Which was your favorite?


Jane: Oh, actually, I didn't get any of them. I figured some evil types were intercepting them!


Charlie: Indeed! Well reasoned!


Jane: Are you here for the jewel theft?


Charlie: [Coyly] Perhaps! Have you heard much about that?


Jane: [Looks around to make sure that no one is listening, before leaning in confidentially] No!


Harvey: Oh, blast! Oh well, perhaps you might know where we could find some lunch?

;;; Sorry - forgot to let you know it was a bank holiday here!


Charlie: [To Jane, quickly] Well, then, clearly we cannot discuss it with you!


Jane: What do you know? You... Janey come lately! I've been buddies with the others for YEARS.

Alice: Uh, who are you?

Jane: [Laughs like a maniac, and then looks serious] Oh, Alice. You're so funny.


Sebastian: [To Jane] The others? Which others? Do you always talk about yourself in the third person?

;;; I couldn't remember if it was a bank holiday or not today.

;;; Assumed it wasn't when I saw people were posting.

;;; But just looked and today is indeed a bank holiday.


Jane: Only when I refer to myself as Senor Habol.


Austin : [With a flicker of interest] And how often is that?


Jane: Senor Habol is not at liberty to discuss this.


Charlie: I see. And who are these [finger quotes] others to which you refer?


Jane: [Gives Charlie an exasperated look] You probably have only just met them, but [indicates the party] the others and I are best friends! That's why they send me all those letters and postcards.


Sebastian: [To the party except Charlie] Any idea what she's talking about?


Alice: I think she means the postcards and letters she ... didn't get?

Jane: Yes!


Clint: Well, that's the post for you!


Jane: [Nods] And I've written loads of complaints about it. I've been tracking your movements with my scrapbook, and each time I don't get a letter, I send in a complaint.


Austin : [To Jane] Indeed, the post is quite awful. We have not received any of your post cards or letters either.


Charlie: [Brightly] Well, we are here now, so perhaps you could just tell us what you wish to communicate?


Jane: Just that the party changed my life and that I want to marry them.


Charlie: [Clearly appalled, but trying not to show it] How . . . sweet! Unfortunately, most of us are married, I'm afraid. [Encouragingly] Perhaps someday you'll find some slow-witted local boy to love!


Clint: Charlie here, however, is recently separated, so you may be in there!


Charlie: Do be serious! I shall henceforth and forever be in a mourning period, whereas Mr. Scar [gestures invitingly toward Clint] is actively looking for love!


Jane: Great! I've got a special clothes pin that I carry around with me at all times, just in case this happened!


Clint: What Charlie meant was "Mister Scar is actively looking for meaningless, consequence-free, casual sex." [Shakes his head sadly.] Easily confused!


Jane: Yeah! That's great too! Momma will be home, but we can just cover her with a sheet while we do the business.


Austin : Why, Mr Scar, I do believe that you have found your perfect match, at last! A match made in heaven. [To Jane and Clint] I do hope you have a long and happy life together. Do you require my legal services?


Jane: Oh, Austin! That would be too perfect! Alice can be my bridesmaid and Harvey can give me away.

Alice: A way to do what?

Jane: [Gives a scarily loud laugh] A way to make lots of food to keep my new husband happy!


Clint: [Edges toward the nearest exit.] What part of "consequence-free" are you having problems with? [Edges toward the nearest exit more rapidly!]

;;; Good grief. It's like we're deliberately encouraging the poor girl! =P


Alice: This isn't exactly helping us find the potion, is it?


Sebastian: First Dur gets married, Alice eats her husbands brain, now Clint is finding love. Next you know I'll be getting paired off with someone [To Alice] You are, of course, quite right Alice my dear. We should really be getting a move on.


Clint: [Shuddering, and under his breath.] Oh, the things I do for the team! [Louder and rather uncomfortably.] Say, uh, honey. Before I can propose or anything, we're going to need a diamond cutter. And probably a jewel thief I can mug for the diamond. You think you can get those for us, uh, snookums?


Austin : That's the spirit Mr Scar! [Puts on one surgical glove, then pats Clint on the back]


Alice: [Looks at Austin, appalled] Austin! Oh my God! What is wrong with you? That glove is WAY too thin!

Jane: [Shrugs] I wouldn't know anyone like that. Maybe Louie would?


Sebastian: [Almost a little too excitedly] Oh good, can you take us to him?


Jane: [Coldly] That man disgusts me. He's in the bar [gestures to a nearby door] with some disgusting tramp.


Charlie: Splendid! [To Jane, dismissively] That will be all! [Heads to the door of the bar]


Clint: Sounds like my kind of girl! Uh, sweetiepie. [Exits, stage bar.]


Jane: [Does a phone sign] Call me!

[The party head into the bar, which is very crowded and smoky. Eventually, they spot LOUIE, draped all over his tramp, CHAPLENNE CHARLESTON.]

Alice: Ew!


Austin : The depths he stoops to! [Sighs]


Alice: Come on, Aus, that's not fair! He's probably on hard times to have to be hanging out with Louie!

Louie: [Spots the party and smiles] Hey guys! Come on over!


Austin : [To Alice] True, I guess we have all been there. [To Louie, unimpressed] Hi Louie. You left us in a spot of trouble back there, old buddy.


Charlie: [Scolding] Yes, it was rather cruel, taking advantage of the group's grief over losing their leader!


Louie: Oh, that's water under the bridge. Fault on both sides. Least said soonest mended. How about some brandy?


Harvey: Yes, I'm sure you would like us to just move on, what? But your crimes cannot be so easily forgiven, so you will now answer a few questions. [Puts on his best interrogating face] For starters, what type of brandy?


Louie: [Dramatically holds up two fingers] The SECOND least expensive in the bar!

Chaplenne: Hey! That's way more expensive than the one I'm getting!


Charlie: [Wrinkles her nose] We are NOT here to become intoxicated. Rather, we should like to know what you did with the potion you stole when you gave the party up to HARMA!


Louie: [Does a theatrical double take on Charlie] Whaaaaaaaa? Gave up? Hey, casualties of war, you know? I sold it. [Gestures to Chaplenne] You think these sort of high class escorts come cheap?

Alice: [To the party] I thought that they'd be free!


Harvey: Perhaps the cost is not for the ladies, per se, but for the resulting medical treatment, what?


Alice: For us to have to look at this? Yeah, fair enough! Come on, Louie, who'd you sell it to? Tell us or we'll start shaking you down like the punch you are!

;;; Drew is out today

Sebastian: Don't you mean punk?

Alice: No, that wouldn't make any sense. Why would you shake down a punk? They're really scary.

Sebastian: How does it make sense to shake a punch down?

Alice: Because it's your hand and it gets really stiff when you punch someone in the face when you're shaking them down, and you [shakes her hand to illustrate] shake your hand to get rid of the stiffness.

Sebastian: [Looks Alice up and down] Okay!


Charlie: [To Louie] You WILL tell us to whom you sold that potion at once, or we shall let Alice continue to explain her demented form of logic and reasoning!


Austin : And then we will get Charlie to tell you about her sex life. It is a rather unpleasant form of lobotomy.


Harvey: [Exasperated] We don't have time for that! We should just use my old technique of putting his todger in a flowery bap and shouting "dinnertime, Fido!"


Alice: Or we could have Austin tell him all about his suit collection. Then he'd want to chew his own todger off to escape!

Louie: Alright! Alright! Okay. [Dusts himself down] Let's all just calm down. Now, I admit, I'm rather intrigued at the form of oral sex you're suggesting, but I don't want there to be any ill feeling between us, so I'll tell you who bought it. [Lowers his voice] It was [even lower] HAR [even lower again] ma.

;;; Okay, John, it's all yours!!


Harvey: [In a booming voice] HARMA, eh?!? Who from HARMA? [From nowhere, pulls out a bap that, inexplicably, has a flower made from sesame seeds on the top] . Hold him down, Troop!


Louie: Please! There's no need for this!


Charlie: [Urgently, to Louie] We can make it stop, but you must tell us to whom you sold the potion!


Austin : [To Alice] What a ridiculous suggestion! I am not about to embellish him with details of my fine wardrobe, we are trying to torture him, not schmooze him!


schmooze him!

Dur: What's the difference?

;;; Back!


Austin : [To Dur] Would you like a poke in the eye?

;;;; I'll be away from Friday for a week!


Dur: Are you hitting on me? You know I'm a married man right?!

;;; Oh yeah I will be too. We're taking a family vacation all next week.


Alice: Oh my God! Will you two stop flirting with each other?

;;; Don't you people ever do any work?!


Austin : [Condescendingly] That is not flirting Alice, it is threatening. You really need to understand the difference, it could save you a lot of heartache.

Alice: On the contrary, Aus. YOU need to understand the difference, it could save you a whole lot of accusations of being gay!

;;; Gone for an hour!


Austin : [Smugly] When one looks as good as I do, one expects a few accusations.


Charlie: More importantly, [to Louie] who has the potion?!


Harvey: By the saints, Troop, we're supposed to be torturing Louie, not each other! [To Louie] Now, tell us everything or I'll set you up on a date with Private Sleaze, what?


Last from John 98

Louie: I'm confused. Is that a threat or a bribe?


Austin : A bribe of course, though it is unfounded. I will not go on a date with you. Who in the HARMA did you give the potion to?


Clint: And for real incentive, if you tell us now, Dur won't give you a lobotomy!


Louie: Okay, okay, I'll tell you. It was that real hard assed chick, you'd better be careful of her. What's her name? Amelia or something?


Harvey: How many "hard assed chicks" do we know, Troop? Ah, maybe it was Charlie, what?


Clint: It's not Charlie, Harv. It's probably some annoying HARMA freak we haven't met yet. Or else Louie here is lying to us... [Glares at Louie.]


Charlie: [Wearily] Or perhaps it was Mr. Sleaze's paramour, Amelia?! [To Austin] Where can we find Amelia?


Alice: Hey! I'm a hard assed chick!

Louie: Wow -- Austin and Amelia? [Thinks for a moment] Makes some kind of sense. I guess!


Sebastian: Yeah you gotta be hard-ass and a bitch to be with Austin [smirking] So, where is she likely to be now then Louie?


Austin : I expect that she is at work, she has never missed a day in her life. [Frowns] What day is it?


Charlie: [Trying not to smirk] Oh, she sounds like great fun. [Stagily] Oh, how I wish I could find an office drone to love!


Alice: Imagine all the great conversations about staplers, and, er, those things that write and... uh, well, other boring stuff you'd find in an office.

Louie: It's Monday! Where have you been? In a different dimension?

[CHAPLENNE gives a high pitched hysterical laugh that scares everyone momentarily.]


Austin : [To Charlie] As far as I know she doesn't have an office, she is a field agent, always on the move, slavishly devoted to the cause. You never really get much done from an office, Charlie. That is why the watchers are so ineffectual. [To Louie] Yes.


Sebastian: [Looking clearly shaken, glares at Chap] Don't. Ever. Do. That. Again.


Charlie: Well, if she's in the field, she could be anywhere! [To Austin] Haven't you some way of contacting her?


Chaplenne: [To Sebastian] What? Do what?


Austin : [To Charlie] Certainly, we can go to the HARMA Dementia branch. She is a stickler for protocol, so they will have a record of her movements and agenda, unless something untoward has happened.


Sebastian: [To Chap] Laugh like that, or like anything, again. That was scary, like a cat jumping out of a uniform locker. In fact, your laugh was so scary, for a moment I thought my name was Dean


Harvey: [To Louie] So, thought you'd terrorize my troops by deploying Little Miss Scary Laugh, eh? Well, this Troop is not so easily routed! Though it was pretty scary, what?


Last form John #116

Alice: [To Sebastian] Come on, Dean, let's find her and rough her up.

Louie: Er, are you sure you'll be able to get into HARMA looking like that?

;;; The party are still in their cut off clothes and bloody wedding dress!


Harvey: Oh, I'm sure we'll fit right in, what?


Sebastian: You should see some of the stuff we've seen HARMA wearing in the past. We'll have no problems

;;; Out for rest of day, see you all tomorrow.


Dur: Or not wearing, depending on the occasion...


Charlie: [To Louie] Have you any HARMA uniforms handy, by chance?


Alice: We could always go to Daddy's new house and get some clothes off them. Of course, I don't know where it is, but I'm sure someone will be able to help us.


Louie: I certainly do -- although, they're not cheap! What've you got?


Charlie: Surely you owe us, considering the dreadful way you left the group last time?


Sebastian: Yeah! How about we don't cut your throat?

Louie: Uh, that'll do nicely!


Dur: Who knew Seb had such bartering skills!


Alice: What about our change?

Louie: How about I give each of you can attractive cuckoo clock?


Austin : [Dryly] No thank you, we have enough oxymoron as it is.


Alice: Huh. Is that how you scored with Amelia? [Gives him a wink and a knowing look]


Austin : No. I wrote poetry for her, and occasionally risked my life to save hers. [Looks at his suit and sighs]


Charlie: [A tad jealously] Well, Pestilence sang a song he wrote just for me once! [Sullenly] Though it was during our divorce trial. And contained a thinly veiled threat.


Austin : Well, at least we know where the potion is. So, what do we do now? Anyone for a spot of shopping, we could all do with a new wardrobe.


Alice: [Jealously] Well, Deucie once bought me a drink spiked with Oxymoron and then framed me for murder. [Goes all dreamy] What a magical night that was...

Sebastian: Hadn't we better just take the HARMA uniforms that Louie has?


Clint: [Firmly.] There will be no stops for shopping while I've got something to say about it!


Austin : [Laughs at Clint] Well, Mr Scar, it is just as well that you are not in charge, or we would all be wearing rags forever. [Kindly] You don't need to come if you don't want to.


Charlie: [Baffled] They are HARMA uniforms! Surely they are virtually identical, thus eliminating any need to shop. [To Louie, clapping her hands briskly] Do get our uniforms for us at once, chop chop!


Harvey: [Half to himself] At last, my Troop will have some semblance of order, with a uniform of sorts, what?


Clint: [To Austin and Charlie.] Great. Now look what you've started!


Louie: [Hands over a bag that is stuffed with HARMA uniforms] Knock yourselves out! [Hands over a bag of cuckoo clocks] And there. Now we're square!


Clint: Well, of course we are! We're carrying around cuckoo clocks!


Sebastian: [Taking the bag with the uniforms] Thanks for these, though what use the clocks will be I have no idea.


Louie: Cuckoo clocks are always useful -- I bet some day you'll be sneaking in somewhere, possibly during a daring theft, and you'll think, wow, I'm sure glad that ol' Louie gave us those clocks.

[All at once, the cuckoo clocks start to cuckoo cuckoo CUCKOO CUCKOOOOOOOOO!]

;;; End of scene, next one coming up later today, at around 3PM


[Book VIII, Act XI, Scene V. The Hotel Suite. ALICE, CHARLIE, CLINT, DUR, HARVEY and SEBASTIAN are here, wearing a variety of ill fitting and, frankly, unclean HARMA uniforms.]

Alice: Why are they so itchy?

[AUSTIN appears from the bathroom, wearing a beautiful crisp uniform.]


Sebastian: They were in Louie's possession for who knows how long, do you really want an answer to that?


Charlie: [Shudders at Sebastian's comment] No! [Fidgets in her uniform. To Austin, suspiciously] How did you manage to find such a nice one? Did [in an annoying sing-song] A-me-lia get it for you?!


Alice: [To Sebastian] Not any more!

;;; Dom is out!

Austin: [To Charlie] Her name is pronounced [normal voice] Amelia. And no, she didn't get it for me. Some people just make all their clothes look better. Now, [straightens a cuff] are we going to go to HARMA or are we just going to stand around and waste time.


Sebastian: Well the latter seems to be a specialty for this group, so I vote in favour of the former for a change.


Harvey: [To Drew, chidingly] There's nothing wrong with due diligence - angels rush in where fools fear to tread and all that.


Alice: Actually, Harvey, I think the saying is fools fear to thread where angels rush in. It's an old dressmaker saying.


Lasty from Conor #6

Harvey: Ah, perhaps! Catching your finger with a needle can really hurt, what?

;;; No, not procrastinating in the slightest...


On 30 Aug 2012, at 05:01 p.m., John Ludlow <john.ludlow.uk@gmail.com> wrote:

Charlie: [Haughtily] That isn't the saying at all! It's [flails a bit, then continues dismissively] er, something to do with fools and horses! More impor= tantly, we really must be going now!


Austin: Correct. Now, I shall be the leader, while you, as my minions, can remain quiet and only speak when spoken to. [Quickly walks to the door] Well? Come on! [Heads out into the hall]


Alice: Maybe it was that a needle in a horse stack is like a piece of hay?

;;; Looks like it's just Heather, John and me today!


Charlie: [To Alice, baffled] Why on earth would one stack horses? [To Harvey, wisely] That would be terribly inefficient.

;;; So lonely!


Harvey: As a mobile siege tower, perhaps? In fact, that's a marvellous idea!

;;; Cue tumbleweed...


Alice: Or maybe just to save space? A multi-storey stable?


Charlie: [Exasperated] Do be serious! How would one get the horses out without, unless-- [suddenly inspired] one could construct a system of lifts to put each horse in its proper slot! That's it!


Harvey: Excellent! We'll have that system up and be within the walls in no time, what? We'll show the blaggards, by the saints! [Slightly less confidently] Um, who are we sieging again?


Clint: It doesn't matter! We'll have so many horses to shoot at them, we can besiege anyone!


Harvey: Good show! Now, to shoot horses we would probably need to use a trebuchet, what?

;;; If nothing else, we'd probably confuse the heck outta the enemy!


Charlie: [Firmly] We are NOT going to waste perfectly good horses like that. They are not ammunition!


Dur: Not to mention, they're delicious!

Sebastian: [Nods at Harvey's words] Maybe we could make a wooden horse and hide in it, so when that gets fired at the enemy, we could rush them!


Harvey: [To Sebastian] Nonsense! What manner of fool would do that? No we must draw the enemy out of their stronghold. No doubt it's a little too far to walk which is why they haven't made a sortie already. Hence, we provide the horses, what?

Dur: But Colonel, think of how fortified they'll be by all the nutrients they'll get from the horse meat!


Austin: While all of this is very interesting... [thinks for a moment] actually, it's not, it's a useless waste of time. Let us not tarry any more!

Alice: [Rushes out the door so she's ahead of Austin] Come ON Austin!

;;; Dom will be posting sporadically this week, and I'll post for Aus

the rest of the time. If there's a clash

;;; between him and me, let's use DOM's post rather than mine.


Charlie: [Gasps] I'm in charge, here! [Rushes to get ahead of Alice and Austin]


Harvey: Like hell you are, Private! I'm the senior officer in this Troop! [Rushes to get ahead of Alice, Austin and Charlie]

;;; This can only end well...


Dur: Oh my god! You people are ridiculous! [Rushes to get ahead of Harvey, Charlie, Alice and Austin]

Clint: Hey! I'm not going to be left behind! [Rushes to get ahead of Dur, Harvey, Charlie, Alice and Austin]


Charlie: [Scolding] This is really most undignified, group! Do fall in line behind me at once!


Alice: [Points at the top of the stairs] First down the stairs leads the party! [Makes a run for the top of the stairs]


Charlie: [Shrieks and races for the stairs] This is an absurdly arbitrary way of establishing authority, but I shall beat you!


Clint: [To Dur.] Ah, broads in the wild... This brings back memories of that one time I went to school!


Dur: Out of my way, loser! [Charges passed Clint, colliding with Alice and Charlie]

[The three fall down the stairs, ending up in a pile on the floor. Standing in front of them is AMELIA. She looks at them with disgust.]

Amelia: Tsk.


Harvey: [To Charlie, disapprovingly] And that is why I am in command, Private, what?


Austin : [Very pleased, to Amelia] Oh, hello darling [Tries to give her a kiss] My colleagues we just trying to show the colonel that they have greater leadership skills that he does. [Smirks at the heap on the floor] Badly. [To Amelia] How are you?


Clint: [To Amelia.] Should I ever bother saying that this isn't what it looks like?


Amelia: [Ducks away from Austin] Control yourself! [To the party] What on earth are you doing here? Other than trying to blend in, of course.


Clint: [Helpfully.] The lawyer here wanted to see you!


Amelia: [Looks at Austin with an expression that's a strange combination of disinterest, desire and disgust] Well?


Sebastian: [Comes sauntering down the stairs after everyone else casually. To Amelia] Actually we all wanted to see you sweety. You've got something we need, note I say need and not want, and were hoping to strike some kind of deal to get it from you, something mutually beneficial, with little to no violence, and knowing this ragtag group I've fallen in with, involving a wedding somewhere along the line. So since I'm not an actual Path Ethic, what say you and I go over the details since you don't like Path Ethics?

;;; Sorry for absence today, bad night last night


Austin : [Casually check his nails. To Amelia] Well it is good to see you anyway, even if you are in a bad mood. Personally, I was wondering why you acquired the strenght potion from Louie. The party were asked to acuire it from him.


Amelia: I'm not in a bad mood, I'm merely appalled at your choice of uniform. I don't think it's any of your business why I acquired the potion. [Looks Sebastian up and down] I'm not sure if you're threatening me or trying to woo me. Let me assure you that either would simply bore me.


Charlie: Yes, well. We must have that potion, you see. [Hopefully] Could we have it? Because of the love [nods at Austin] ?


Amelia: Oh! You MUST have it? I see, that makes all the difference. [Coldly] The potion is on the way to HARMA headquarters.


Harvey: By the saints, Troop! We must intercept it, what?


Charlie: [To Amelia, politely] Thank you. [To Austin, in a loud whisper, glaring critically at Amelia] Say what you will about Pestilence, at least he was FUN!


Austin : [To Amelia] She is lying, unfortunately. I certainly would not want you to give it to us on my behalf, or for [Does finger quotes] "love". And we do not have to have it, it is merely something that a friend asked us to get for him. I am quite sure that there will be other options.


Austin : [Smirks] If you like dieing in a killy-choppy kind of way.


Amelia: [To Austin] Fine. If you don't care about it, then I need to take my leave. [Turns and makes to head off]


Charlie: [To Amelia, quickly] No, wait! Who is taking it to HARMA HQ? And where will it be kept?


Amelia: Ask Austin. I'm sure there are other options.


Charlie: [Swats at Austin impatiently] Mr. Sleaze, do clear up this lover's quarrel at once. We must find that potion!


Harvey: [To Austin] Private Sleaze, you have a duty to the realm, what? Now, we must head for the HARMA HQ immediately and hope to catch up to these blighters!


[Exit AMELIA.]

Alice: Well. I think we can safely say that she didn't [produces a huge book and looks it up] AMELIORATE things!


Charlie: [Sighs heavily] I suppose we'd better go to HARMA headquarters and hope someone will be more helpful!


[Enter BORNBORG BJORN, a contortionist who's legs are over her shoulders.]

Bornborg: [Spots the party] Aw, crap! I knew she was lying!

<P><a href=http://www.queens-view.com/wiki/index.php/Bornborg_Bjorg>Bornborg Bjorg</A>


Sebastian: I trust by "she" you mean Amelia? What did she lie to you about?


Bornborg: As if you don't know, Harmasshole! Go on, you've got me. I can't run as fast as the others.


Charlie: [To Bornborg] We have no wish to capture you, I can assure you! Now, who are these [finger quotes] others? Are they also [delicately] special?


Bornborg: [Sticks up her middle toe at Charlie] As if you didn't know! HARMA are rounding up all entertainers!


Clint: Okay, but what does that have to do with you?


Bornborg: [Slaps Clint across the face with her left foot] Hey!

Alice: [Annoyed at Clint] You insensitive clod! Prostitutes are entertainers too!

[Slap! ALICE gets a right foot across the face.]

Alice: Sorr-rree! I mean, escorts are entertainers!


Harvey: Gah! [Angrily to Bornborg] I understand you are attempting to evade HARMA by not being at all entertaining, but you will not attack my niece!


Clint: Anyway, any organization that's rounding up all the mimes can't be all bad! [Pauses.] Hey! There's another way we can infiltrate them if this wearing the uniforms gig doesn't work out.


Harvey: By pretending to be really annoying? By the saints, that just might work, what?!?


Charlie: Do be serious! How effective can we be if we are once again imprisoned by HARMA?!


Alice: Oh, come on, Charlie! They'll have us in one of those invisible boxes -- and you know what? They're not even real! They're just pretend! We can just step out of them! [To Harvey] Brilliant plan, Uncle Harvey!


Clint: [Scoffing.] Then we get one of our entertainer buddies to pick a lock or squeeze through the bars or something. No problem! But we better hurry, 'cuz if HARMA is locking up all the mimes, they're doing an act of great good!


Sebastian: We could be miming HARMA Officers in this regalia! That would really mess with their heads!


Clint: [Draws a smile on his face with his hands.]


Alice: [Studies Clint for a moment] Ah! An asshole! [Applauds] That was really good, Stinky!


Dur: Wait a minute -- so we WANT to get arrested?


Charlie: No! We want to intercept the potion.


Dur: Where is the potion? [Looks around at the others]


Harvey: On the way to the HARMA HQ, I believe, Private!


Sebastian: So... we're going to accompany it. The question is, how? As fellow prisoners of [gestures to Bornborg] or her captors?


Charlie: [Sighs heavily] Captors! Grab her, group! ["Arrests" Bornborg]


Bornborg: No!

Sebastian: Come on! [Grabs Bornborg] Your Realms depends on it!


Clint: Besides, maybe we can get that spinal condition fixed for you. We've got a brilliant surgeon with us to help out!


Dur: Where? Why wasn't I told about this brilliant surgeon!


Harvey: [To Dur] I believe the idea is to pretend *you* are a competent medical professional, what?


Clint: Brilliant, and modest, too! And best of all, you can pay him in food! [Claps Dur on the back.]


Dur: [Startled] Oh! I see! [To Bornborg] Now then, young man. What seems to be the trouble?

Bornborg: I, along with all the other entertainers, have been arrested by you Harmassholes!


Harvey: [Thooughtfully] Hmm, sounds serious, what? [To Dur] Probably means some sort of torture device will need to be surgically removed, what?


Charlie: [To Bornborg] And where were they taken, precisely? So we might reunite you with them.


Clint: Right. [Helps to "arrest" Bornborg.] To HARMA hq with this freak, gang!


Bornborg: To the train, they're all being shipped to the HARMA HQ.


Charlie: [Excited] Oh, how lovely! I do love traveling by train. [To the party] Come along, group! We must deliver our prisoner to the train!


Austin: Excellent. My plan is coming together nicely.


Clint: [To Bornborg.] C'mon, you. You're getting [big pause] railroaded.


[The party lead BORNBORG out onto the street, where there is a huge protest going on, which seems to be populated entirely by clowns and mimes. Their signs contain messages such as "Clowns are Entertainers Too", "Clown Prejudice is not funny" and " ". The last type are mainly held by mimes.]

Alice: What the hell is going on here?


Charlie: [Squints at a sign] What on earth is Clown Prejudice? Surely no one disagrees that they are simply dreadful!


Clint: Rounding up all the clowns would be a blow for entertainment across the land.


Sebastian: Come on, Charlie! They're funny sometimes -- like.. when.. uh.. [quietly tails off]

[One of the clowns, FAKE JAKE, spots the party and storms over.]

Jake: You bastards! You complete and utter bastards! Why won't you arrest me? Why?

Bornborg: Help me, Jake!

Jake: Help you lord it over the rest of us? You lucky bitch!


Clint: [To Jake] Sorry, pal. Can't help you. Orders.


Harvey: [Helpfully] Perhaps we could supply some brutality, what?


Jake: Like our bad reviews?

Alice: Sure did -- they really summed up how crap you all are!


Clint: [Helpfully.] Look, guys, your basic problem is that you're not funny. If it were funny, a clown wouldn't be doing it. Now why don't you freaks go find some kids to give nightmares to and let us do our jobs in peace!


Jake: You mean, let me understand this, 'cause, ya know maybe it's me, I'm a little fucked up maybe, but I'm not funny how? I mean not funny like I'm a clown? I don't amuse you? I don't make you laugh, I'm here to fuckin' not amuse you? What do you mean not funny? Not funny how? How am I not funny?


Charlie: [Primly] You are not funny in every conceivable way!


Harvey: I believe, at a fundamental level, you are about as amusing as mistakenly attending the wrong Sexy Penis concert.


Jake: Yeah, it would be awful to be confronted with all those big knobs.

Dur: [Shrieks with laughter, tears coming down his cheeks] Oh my! This guy is the funniest thing I've ever seen! Just look at him! Look at his face!

Jake: What the hell is wrong with my face?

Dur: [Laughs even more] Oh! That's too much! Too much!

Jake: Hey! [Pushes Dur, almost knocking him over]


Charlie: [To Jake, pulling out her sword] You had better find another way to deal with your comic impotence! Dur is our team mascot, a helpless simpleton, and we will not allow you to harm him!


Harvey: [To Jake] Not to mention, he's much more amusing than you are. [Draws her sword]


;;; Oops - that was a typo, Harvey's not 'confused'!


Clint: [Stepping protectively in front of Dur.] C'mon, Chuck, giving these guys a little police brutality would brighten their day. Let's just get back to HQ with the *real* entertainers and leave these freaks to protest!


;;; Suuuure!

Jake: [Aims his squirty flower at the party, and douses Harvey and Charlie with it] Hah! How'd you like that? Am I still not funny?


Austin : [Sighs, watching the debacle] It is so hard to get good staff these days. [To the party] Come on you lot, get moving, we have a train to catch.


[Splat. AUSTIN gets what he hopes is a custard pie in the face.]

Jake: He's the leader! Get him!


Austin : [Starts wipeing off the custard in a dignified manner] How pathetic. Infantile humor, one would think that a man of your age would be able to come up with something that was actually funny.


Jake: [Pulls out a rake and puts it on the ground in front of him] Come on, if you think you're hard enough!


Harvey: Gah! Careful, Troop! The enemy has fortified their position!


[Enter GIGGLES MACTITTERSWORTH, a very angry looking clown.]

Giggles: Hey! You bastards! Arrest us this instant! [Soaks Harvey with a squirty flower]


Charlie: [To Giggles, curtly] Do stop that. We have an actual entertainer to detain, and you are obstructing justice!


Giggles: Come on! I'm really, really funny!

Alice: Let's give him a chance.

Giggles: Right! What do you want?

Alice: A knock knock joke. [To Giggles] Say "knock knock".

Giggles: Knock knock.

Alice: Who's there?

Giggles: Uh... I don't know!

Alice: Hey! He's not funny at all!


Charlie: Everyone knows clowns are not funny! Even Wilhelmina finds them alarming, and she could beat up clowns before she could crawl!


Sebastian: [Alarmingly loud] I finally remembered when I saw a clown and laughed! [Looks to the clowns with a grin] At the clowns funeral!

;;; I'm out again today guys, so this is the only one from me. Going

to be a busy week, so will post when I can.


Harvey: [Lets out a booming laugh] Hah! That would be funny, by the saints! [To the Party] Troop, our mission is to make these clowns funny, what?!? [Turns to advance on the nearest clown]


Giggles: Come on! What's it going to take to make you laugh? Just tell me! I'll do it -- I will!


Alice: Personally, I always find it funny when people punch themselves in the face.

[Bam! GIGGLES punches himself squarely in the nose.]

Alice: Mm. It's not really doing it for me.

;;; Kevin's back and on the list!


Dur: [Unable to contain his laughter any longer he blurts out a hysterical snort] Well it works for me!


Sebastian: [Turns his nose up] Not even remotely amusing. Now, if it was a plank of wood...

[Bonk! GIGGLES smacks himself in the face with a plank of wood.]

Sebastian: ...yeah, you'd imagine it would be funny, but, yeah. [Sighs]


Dur: [Laughs harder, squirting milk from his nose even though he has obviously not had any milk lately] This is the BEST mission ever!


Charlie: [Looks at Dur, disturbed] You poor, poor man! [Swats at Giggles] Stop that at once! You are making Dur even more stupid!


Alice: [Angrily] And he doesn't need any help from you to do that!


Austin : [ Points at the rake on the ground. To Giggles] You could accidentally step on that and give yourself concussion?


Harvey: Besides, he is our medical examiner, so if you were to be - ahem - *killed* during your potential arrest, he would be the only person able to help you, what?


Clint: [To the party, quietly.] Hey, has anyone thought about roping these guys into being our very own unholy army of the damned? Could come in handy!



Dur: We already have my wives' clan, how many unholy armies do we need?


Clint: I'm just thinking ahead! We're probably gonna need more acts of great evil, and leading clowns to victory in the entertainment wars has to qualify!



Dur: Well, if it means more CLOWNING around [Slaps his knee at his own pun] then count me in!


Giggles: What rake? What are you talking about? [Steps on the rake, getting smacked in the eye] Ow! Help! Please! I'm blind!

Alice: Huh. Now, that's kind of funny.


Giggles: [Pushing his eyeball back in] Really? You think I'm funny?

Alice: Oh, God, no. I just saw a fly that's dead, and [struggles to control her laughter] it doesn't FLY!


Clint: Well, I'm not going to arrest you guys, but if you want to follow us, like, back to HQ, take it up with the bosses while we take in this gumby freak here, I can't stop you! [To the party.] They can be our distraction while we look for the potion!


Alice: How the hell are we going to get passed all these clowns? They're everywhere!


Charlie: [Briskly] Let me handle this! [Calls out to the clowns, clapping her hands] Hellooo? Your attention, please! We should like to see evidence of your [finger quotes] entertainment value for evaluation purposes. Build the world's biggest [pauses for dramatic effect] clown pyramid! [Looks at the clowns expectantly] Now!


Harvey: And any clown who is actually funny shall feel the full force of the law! [To the Party, quietly] We are supposed to be HARMA officers, after all, what?


[The clowns immediately start to create an enormous pyramid, amid all sorts of irritating horseplay and tooting of horns.]

Giggles: [Squashed under about two hundred sweaty clowns] This is gonna be great!

Alice: So... will we just slope off then?


Charlie: Yes, and let us hurry before Dur runs off to join the circus! [Dramatically] To the train!


Austin : [Dryly] At last.


[Exit the party. After much fussing, the clowns finally create a perfect pyramid, at least a hundred clowns high.]

Giggles: So? What do you think? Guys? [Looks around] Guys? Hey! Where the-


;;; End of scene, next one coming up in an hour or so!


[Book VIII, Act XI, Scene VI. The Hamstrain Station. ALICE, AUSTIN, CHARLIE, CLINT, DUR, HARVEY and SEBASTIAN are here, along with BORNBORG, who's feet are in handcuffs. The station is huge, and packed with a mix of HARMA officers, circus performers and other various entertainers, all vying with each other to entertain. One of them, a well known stand up comedian, TIMMY TARDUCK, steps up in front of the party.]

Timmy: Take my mother-in-law....please!


Austin : [To the party] I hope his trial takes years.


Charlie: [Appalled] How can HARMA find any of those old jokes dangerously entertaining?!


Dur: [Still laughing and wiping tears of mirth from his eyes] How can you not! Oh, I forgot, you're dead inside!


Harvey: Perhaps they are using them as a form of torture, what?


Charlie: [Stung] I am NOT! I have a deep and abiding love for wordplay that most people find delightfully refreshing and unexpected!


Timmy: Wordplay, eh? What did the penguin's mother say when he went out to play? Beak-careful! [Manically looks at the party, clearly expecting applause] Eh? Eh? How does a penguin build his house? Igloos it together! Eh?


Harvey: [Nods sagely] Yes, definitely a form of torture.


Dur: [Digs a spare tomato out of his pants to throw at the comedian] Shut up you! Bring back the clowns!


Charlie: [Giggles] Oh, that's marvelous! How about this one?! What's black and white and red all over? [Waits for puzzled looks] A penguin in a blender! [Frowns] No, wait. That was one of Pestilence's jokes. [Gloomily] And not particularly funny, upon reflection.


Timmy: [Angrily to Charlie] Hey! I do the funnies here, bitch! [Flashes his genitals at her]


Charlie: [Points at Timmy's genitals and laughs hysterically] How splendidly ribald! A miniature penis entirely devoid of a scrotum! [Intrigued] However do you attach such a thing?


Austin : It would be much funnier if it was vaguely to scale.


Alice: [Wiping a tear from her eye] Fantastic! But where did he hide his real penis?

Timmy: Hey! [Pulls his pants up] You people don't would know good humour if it slapped you in the face!

Sebastian: We wouldn't even notice it if it was as small as your penis!


Clint: Are we gonna start telling penis jokes now? Because if so.... what did the penis say to the condom?


Austin : Cover me, I'm going in?


Clint: Gah!


Sebastian: [Roars with laughter] I so didn't see that one [dramatically] coming!


Timmy: Hey! Hey! You want me to show my todger again?

Alice: Oh! Is THAT what that was?

[A HARMA officer, looking very harried, approaches the party. This is ANTON ANON, who has dealt with the party in the past.]

Anton: Chicken or entertainer?


Austin : [Checks his nails casually] Perhaps something a little less predictable, next time, Mr Scar.


Sebastian: [Calming down from the laughter] What was that about chicken? Are they finally serving it in the kitchen again? I heard the last cook got fired. Serves her right for getting stuck in the oven!


Anton: [Pained sigh] Are you delivering a chicken? Or are you delivering an entertainer?


Charlie: An entertainer! [Hesitates] What have the chickens done, again?


Anton: It's not the chickens, it's what people do with them! [Shudders] It's disgusting.


Harvey: Eating them, perhaps? Having a nice roast chicken with some gravy, vegetables, roast potato, sage stuffing, maybe some snakes feet on the side... [Angrily] By the saints you've gone and made me hungry!


Anton: No! Not eating them! It's.. [looks weirded out] you know...

Alice: [Perplexed] Fucking them?

Anton: Oh my GOD! What is wrong with you?


Sebastian: [To Anton] She likes to dress up as a chicken when she's getting fucked by clowns [shudders]


Austin : [To Anton] Why don't you just tell us and spare me the agony of listening to this babble.


Charlie: [Primly] Do stop saying that word. It's terribly crass!


Dur: [Thinking about Charlie's protest] What word? ... Clowns?


Harvey: Or "chicken"?


Anton: What is he babbling about?


Charlie: [To Anton] Oh, you know how unsettling talk of chickens can be! Now, may we go through and process this dangerous criminal? [Worried] I hate the thought of anyone accidentally being entertained while we dawdle!


Anton: Of course! Of course! Now, where is your F37?


Clint: [Rummages around in his pockets.] Let's see... had it in here somewhere... [Gives the party a significant nod.]


Alice: [Catches onto Clint's subtle hint] Ah! Phew! For a minute there, I thought we didn't have any!

Anton: [Chuckles good naturedly] That would have been a disaster!


Clint: Out of idle curiosity, what would you say if I told you I might have lost it when we were attacked by a mob of angry clowns?


Sebastian: [To Anton] Hey, sorry for asking a dumb question, I'm the new guy, but what is an F37?


Harvey: [Laughs good-naturedly] Oh, these rookies, what? [To Anton] Go on, my good fellow, tell the young whipper-snapper what an F37, and how you might obtain one if you didn't have one, eh?


Charlie: [Chuckles along with Harvey] Oh, to be so young and innocent again! [Looks at Anton expectantly] Go on, do tell the silly boy!


Anton: [Shrugs] Yeah, newbies! They deserve all the business with the hosepipe up their asses, eh? Eh?

[Everyone goes very quiet.]

Anton: Er, anyway, [flustered] it's the form to get on the train, you silly, about to be hosepiped newbie!


Charlie: Precisely! [To Sebastian] It was that form we gave him, just a minute ago, silly! [To Anton] Well, we must be going now. Lovely talking to you! [Tries to get past Anton]


Austin : [Tries to put the idea into Anton's mind that he has been given the form, complete and perfect, but ate it. To Anton, sternly] Are you eating on duty?


Anton: No! [Looks at Charlie] Uh, the form?


Charlie: [Horrified] Don't tell me you LOST it already?!


Anton: Oh, uh, of course not! Come on, hurry up and get her processed.


Sebastian: Yeah guys, come on. I have to be signed off on my training today for this, or else the big cheese is going to stink bomb me!


Dur: [Whispering to the group] I hop processing isn't another word for hosepiping!


Alice: To the train, and show us to a carriage with an extra large sink!

Anton: Er, just go right ahead. [Steps back to let the party onto the train, so they can see that the first carriage is essentially a large jail cell]


Austin : They must have carriages for HARMA agents further up the train. [Hopefully looks along the train]


Alice: What are we going to do with our chicken?


Dur: I have a few ideas [Stomach growling] .


Bornborg: Hey! Are you talking about me? If so, first of all, I'm not a chicken. Second? [Points at Dur with a toe] No!


Harvey: [To Bornburg] An effective Troop must be well-fed at all times, what? Sometimes sacrifices must be made.


Bornborg: What the hell is wrong with you? Please! Put me in jail!


Clint: Not so tough now, are we?


Bornborg: It's not a question of toughness, it's that I'm sick of listening to you idiots!


Austin : You can get into the prison carriage yourself. I hope you don't expect us to help you!


Austin : Well they are not the ones trying to get arrested.


Bornborg: Neither was I!


Charlie: [Dismissively] Do be patient! You'll be incarcerated and able to trade sexual favors for cigarettes in no time!


Austin : [Adds] Or cheese. Or leg wax. [Ponders] Anything you want really.


Harvey: Not to mention dropping soap in the shower, what?


Alice: You two seem to be very au fait with prison dealings!

Bornborg: [Steps up to the barred door of the carriage] Okay, go on, but only because of the cigarettes!


Austin : [To Harvey, puzzled] Why would you want to do that? Is that some kind of military code for something that members of the public to not want to hear about?


Harvey: [To Austin] Not at all - it's just that the soap provided in prisons is rather slippery! [To Alice] Well, I did operate a prison for a time, my dear, what?


Alice: And spent a lot of time seeing Austin carelessly drop soap, no doubt!


Dur: Perhaps we should get on with it!


Harvey: [Frowning. To Alice] Austin may have dropped the soap on occasion, but I'm not sure whether he did it carelessly or not. Sometimes you never quite know, what? [To Dur] Quite right - on with the mission, Troop!


Alice: Right, now, who here do we think might know where Austin's girlfriend put the potion?

[The party gaze over the hundreds of HARMA officers who are getting on the train.]

Anton: [Calls out] Train's leaving in five hours!

[The gathering HARMA officers all complain about the length of the wait.]

Anton: Okay, okay! Train's leaving in one minute!


Sebastian: She didn't put it on the train though did she? [Ponders] Maybe the train has a map on it that shows the most secure area. My guess it would be there.


Austin : Either that or the highest ranking HARMA agent here is carrying it on them personally.


Clint: Oh, *please* give us an excuse to mug some random high ranking HARMA guy!


Harvey: Hmmm, because it's Friday, what?


Clint: Good enough! C'mon, guys, let's find this freak and beat him up for his lunch money.


Sebastian: We could do that anyway, no need for an excuse to rough up anyone working for HARMA


Clint: Well, we don't want people to think we're bullies who just do it for fun!


Harvey: Of course we do, Private! We're posing as HARMA officers, after all!


Sebastian: Exactly my point. When dressed like HARMA, act like HARMA. Give them a taste of their own medicine!


Alice: If only we could have asked Amelia where it is! [Glares at Austin] Oh, and given your fancy uniform, which, by the way, is way nicer than ours, YOU seem to be the highest ranking officer. [To Sebastian] I think we may have found our potion!


Charlie: [Looks at Austin, dismayed] But I should be the highest ranking officer!


Austin : [Bursts out giggling] Now that is funny! [Eventually stops laughing. To Alice] Okay, we then we should find the next highest ranking officer after me, since I do not have the potion.


Harvey: Well, naturally Private Sleaze is acting as a diversion to fool would-be assassins looking to eliminate our true commander, what? [Pause] That's me, by the way. But I don't have the potion either, what?


Alice: Are you sure? You are in charge, after all!


Clint: [Carefully.] I think, Bimbo, that we're supposed to be looking for the potion with people who are actually part of HARMA.


Dur: Perhaps I could peer into some of their pockets?


Austin : We can just ask the nearest real HARMA agent who is in charge, below me, of course.


Charlie: [Looks around] Does anyone see a likely candidate?


Clint: Good idea, lawyer. Off you go!


Sebastian: [To Dur] I've got a better idea. You distract them by checking out what they have in their pants, and I'll check the pockets. Just tell them you're hungry and seeing if they have anything edible secretly stashed. [Excitedly] Ah ha! That's it by George! [Snaps his fingers enthusiastically] With Austin looking so high ranked he could order strip searches of all the real HARMA troopers and officers on the grounds of searching for some terrorist, or better still, the Queens View Party, who rumor has it is trying to infiltrate this train to steal that potion.


Alice: [Points at Tompars Paris, a HARMA officer that the party have dealt with before] How about him?

[TOMPARS is busy taunting some of the imprisoned entertainers.]


Clint: Hmm... Do you think he'll recognize us?


Alice: [Looks Sebastian up and down] Sorry. Don't like that plan. Too many words. [To Clint] Only one way to find out!


Clint: Oh, alright. [Starts over to talk to Tompars.]

;;; In actuality, I'm headed off to the office early - visiting scientist from

;;; y'all's neck of the woods - so that's me for now and possibly for the day.

;;; It's waaaaay too early for this!


Charlie: [Squints at Tompars critically] He isn't the one who killed me, is he?


Clint: I doubt it. Didn't your beloved husband kill that guy?


Sebastian: No he isn't. And I don't think Pestilence did kill him, though we were talking to him in the last couple of days [pauses] I think [pauses again] about something [pauses yet again] can't remember what though


Alice: Oh My God! Of course he didn't kill him! Remember? That was the whole point! [Puts on her best Pestilence voice, which sounds very much like her normal one] I didn't mean to kill them, I only meant to hurt them. [Normal voice] Anyway, let's just ask him. [To Tompars] Hey! [Points at Charlie] Did you kill her?

Tompars: Uh... no!

Alice: See?


Austin : [To Tompars, with a cool, nonchalant manner of authority] Is the potion safe?


Tompars: I didn't steal the Potion of Big Peniosity!


Harvey: Well, we know that, what?!? [To the Party] Perhaps he stole, you know, the, um, *other* one, what?


Charlie: [To Harvey] Oh, certainly not! [To Tompars] The super-secret, high-powered [winks] you-know-what is still safely you-know-where, right?!


Austin : [Unimpressed] I was referring to the potion of strength.


Tompars: Potion of strength? Wow! Cool! I sure hope that's safe! I mean, yeah, it's in a safe place.


Austin : [Serious] How safe?


Tompars: [Looks around to make sure no one's listening, before leaning to whisper to the party] Very.


Charlie: Splendid! We wouldn't want that falling into the wrong hands, would we? Now, where is it hidden, so we can be sure to keep any dodgy types away?


Tompars: Well, whatever you do, don't tell anyone, but it's in the last carriage. No one will ever get in there!

[The engines start, and the Hamstrain starts to move. TOMPARS steps back to let the party on.]

Tompars: All aboard!


Dur: But of course! [Steps onto the train hastily. Once on board he asks] Should we make our way directly there?


Clint: I say we make our way indirectly there! In case we run into a particularly bright HARMA freak.


Tompars: [Brightly] Like me?

Alice: God no. I can barely tolerate being around you. In fact, I'd prefer if someone threw you off the train.


Clint: [Claps Tompars on the shoulder, from behind if possible.] Haw! She's such a kidder, isn't she? [Gives the other party members a questioning look and positions himself to throw Tompars off the train.]


Tompars: Yeah! I know she's crazy about me. Every one is. Mom always tells me so!


Austin : [Barely holding back his contempt] Do you still live with your mother, perchance?


Harvey: Now, Private Sleaze, there's no need to be jealous, what?


Clint: Did someone's mother not love him?


Tompars: [Scoffs] Of course! How else would we share that big bed?


Charlie: [Shudders] Yes, well, that is an issue for you and your therapist. We really must be off now, so do go away!


Tompars: I'm not stopping you!

[This is the second carriage, which is basically the jail part. The one further up is the engine, and the next one, which the party are close to, has a normal looking door.]


Charlie: [Tries the door to the next carriage. To Tompars cheerily] Well, good luck with your disturbing mother issues!


Austin : [Looks disgusted] I don't think luck is what he needs!


Sebastian: No, but perhaps a quick foot up the backside so he flies of the train for certain peoples amusement is what he needs. [To Tompars] Don't worry, I do believe your mother would give you even more love than usual [grins in a cheeky manner]


Tompars: I always get lucky with Mom!

[Exit the party, hurrying into the next carriage.]


[Book VIII, Act XI, Scene VII. The HARMA Party Carriage. ALICE, AUSTIN, CHARLIE, CLINT, DUR, HARVEY and SEBASTIAN are here, having just arrived into a carriage filled to the brim with partying and celebrating HARMA officers, who are all excited about being on the Hamstrain. One of them, PAVEL MURPHY, approaches the party with what looks like a blow out in his mouth (one of those things with a horn and paper that unrolls when blown).]

Pavel: Hi guys! Party's just getting started!


Dur: What are we celebrating?


Pavel: The dawn of a new age of technology! Think about how quickly we can round up Filers now! [Blows hard into the blow up, but nothing happens] Isn't it great? [Smiles]


Charlie: [To Pavel] Positively marvelous! [Grabs a noisemaker and rattles it awkwardly] Now, let us talk shop! Oh, I know--do let's talk about those awful Filers! [Blatantly fishing] What is that thing that they do that is so dreadfully illegal, again?


[CHARLIE's noisemaker is distinctly silent as she rattles it. ALICE picks up a small horn and blows into it with all her might, but nothing happens.]

Anton: [Laughs] All of it!


Charlie: [Quickly laughs] Oh, quite! [Looks around] This party is pleasantly quiet, I must say. It's such a relief that these party implements have been appropriately neutralized, to ensure nothing gets out of hand!


Harvey: [Looks at the noisemaker, distinctly unimpressed] Well, what kind of use is that for sounding the march, by the saints?!?

;;; Sorry folks - turned into a bit of a hectic day!


Anton: For sounding the march? None whatsover. As useless as a pair flouncy underpants in a proper marriage. But, as a safe way of indicating pleasure at a gathering of three or more people with the intention of celebration? It gets five unicorn horns!


Sebastian: [To Anton] I thought we outlawed having a good time altogether? We don't have to start arresting ourselves do we? By ourselves, I mean you.


Anton: Oh no. It's okay to have a good time, as long as you're not really enjoying yourself!


Charlie: Oh, so sex with HARMA agents is still allowed, then?


Sebastian: [To the party] Where's the pleasurometer? I want to read how much pleasure these men are experiencing.


Austin : [Surprised, to Sebastian] Is there no end to your geeky perversions?


Anton: Yep. The rules for sex are the same as they always were.

[Sees the party's blank looks.]

Anton: None!


Sebastian: [To Austin] If there is an end, it has yet to be discovered.


Alice: Oh my GOD. Did you just ask to have anal sex with Austin?


Sebastian: [Straight faced, but tone full of sarcasm] No, I just asked Austin what Harvey would say if I asked him for permission to have anal sex with you.


Alice: Oh, because I thought you were pleading with him to bugger you. And, no offence, Seb, Austin can do better!


Austin : [Annoyed] Perhaps we can focus on our mission.


Harvey: [So confused he's actually gone cross-eyed. To Sebastian] If you just implied something about my niece, we'll have to have you summarily executed.



Dur: [To Austin] You mean our mission ISN'T anal sex? I'm so confused!


Sebastian: [To Dur] Only if Austin and Alice are the only ones doing the mission is it about anal sex, and then only if they remembered the strapon. The lube is optional of course.


Alice: Look, Sebastian, neither of us want to have sex with you, even if you wear a strap on!


Sebastian: [Frowning] I never said anything about sex with me, I was on about you and Austin, with each other. [To the others] Shall we get a move on then?


Alice: [Sympathetically] Just because you have to wear a strap on doesn't mean it isn't having sex, Seb. Right! Where are we going?

Anton: [Looks horrified] Uh, now, all this talk of sex, that's a euphemism for something, right?


The lube is optional of course.

Dur: [His mouth pops open in horror and he shakes his head slowly] Honestlyman! You and your fetishes!

;;; couldn't resist


Dur: [Deadpan to Anton] Sure! If that helps you sleep better at night... [Whispers to Anton] It hasn't worked for me...


Anton: I'll try, but I'm not sure if I ca- [falls asleep]


Dur: [Watching Anton] It occurs to me that now would be a REALLY convenienttime to push this man from a moving train...


Clint: When is there an inconvenient time to push this freak from a moving train? Someone get the door for me. [Goes to, well, push Anton from a moving train!]


Sebastian: [Opens the door] And that. my good comrades, is the secret to using anal sex during a mission.


Clint: You people make me sick! [De-trains Anton unless stopped.]


Harvey: [Frowns. To Sebastian] Private, you have some odd fetishes, what?


Alice: What the hell? [Points to all the other partying HARMA officers] Do you think these guys are going to just let you throw him off?

;;; Remember, this is ANTON, in the party carriage, not Tompars, who

was outside!


Charlie: [To Alice] Be gentle with him, dear. Likely this is the closest he has been to intercourse of any kind for some time! [Briskly] Now, we have had enough merry-making, and we really should be moving on. [Looks disapprovingly at the other HARMA officers] Don't you think you've all had enough, as well? Perhaps you should make sure everything is secure in the jail?


[The other officers all slope off sadly, towards the jail.]

Alice: Wow, Charlie! No one can bring a party to a screeching halt like you can!


Charlie: [Delighted] Isn't it marvelous? I picked that up when I needed to bring a pack of wild post-docs back into line. [Earnestly] Production in the lab had decreased by 2%! [Sternly] Philimas is no excuse for laziness!


Alice: It's a pity we didn't have you around on my fifth birthday -- you'd have got those Hell's Angels under control no problem!


Sebastian: As amusing as it is to see HARMA's fun ruined, it's no wonder they killed Charlie. [To Charlie] We need to get you a suit of armor.


Austin : [To Sebastian] So the girl has a few issues, nothing new there. Let's find this dam potion of strength, or penis enlargement, or whatever it is, or go and do something else.

;;;; out for the day


Charlie: Agreed, let us continue through the train! [Tries the next door]

;;; I'm assuming there is a door opposite the one leading back to the jail?


;;; Correct!

[The door opens to reveal several heavily armed HARMA officers there. One of them, SPAVEL SMURPHY, stops the party.]

Spavel: Sorry, this is as far as you can go.


Charlie: [Cheerily] Oh, not to worry! Do not let the frailty of some of our members fool you [smile benevolently and pointedly at Harvey and Dur] . We are quite capable of going further. Now, if you will just stand aside, we shall be off!


Harvey: [Smiles benevolently and pointedly at Charlie] Indeed, Charles here is a few HARMA officers short of a hit squad, what? Why, she keeps getting it inter her head that she's in command!


Spavel: [Laughs so hard he snorts] I know! A woman in charge, what will they think of next!

[Awkward pause.]

Spavel: So, uh, anyway, back to the party. You're not allowed enter this carriage, not even, and I say this for the benefit of the women with you, for cleaning it.


Charlie: [Puzzled] Of course we are not here to clean! We are not ALL lower-class! And just why are we not allowed in this carriage? Surely HARMA officers such as we can move freely, anywhere we like? What is the point of absolute power if we cannot enjoy it?!


Sebastian: We aren't here for the party. Besides, the party is over. [Casts Ghost Sound behind the guards to make them hear something big and terrifying to scare them in to running away]

;;; Out for several hours, maybe all day


[A massive growling comes from the carriage that the HARMA officers are guarding. However, although terrified, they all draw weapons and turn to face it.]

Spavel: Be ready, men! You knew this day was coming!


Clint: Wow, I wouldn't want to be you guys right about now... maybe you should let my friends and I here handle this!

;;; So I think I'm almost myself today, but very, very hungry. It'll be

nice to be able to eat again!


Spavel: No can do, only CHITs can enter that carriage. You best find some hiding places -- things like hiding in large grandfather clocks or glass fronted cupboards, you know, to inject a bit of humour into an otherwise terrifying situation.


Charlie: [Scoffs] Obviously only CHITs can enter. And, equally obviously, WE are CHITs! We never hide comically, like common non-CHITs! Let us through at once!


Austin : [To Spavel, authoritatively] And how would you know who is a CHIT and who is not? Do you remember?


Spavel: [Taken aback at the aggressiveness of Charlie and Austin] Clearly, any CHIT would have a chicken with them!


Harvey: [Imperiously] Well we're not just any old SHITsm you know, what?

;;; Am I really the first one to t hink of that?


Charlie: [Floundering a bit, patting down her pockets absently] Oh, the chicken, I must have left it on the nightstand, hmm. . . . [To Spavel] Well, you can certainly tell from our authoritative natures that we are, without question, CHITs, so clearly you will be able to take our word about the chickens, one assumes?

;;; Nah, the rest of us are just way classier than you! ; )


Spavel: And one would be wrong!

[The party form a huddle to discuss this.]

Alice: What the hell are we going to do? Most of our stuff is gone, and all we have are this awful uniforms and those damned cuckoo clocks that Louie gave us!

;;; See 11.04.138

;;; Suuuuure!


Austin : Perhaps the cuckoo clocks are the solution, they can be our 'special chickens'? Or we can give one to each of the guards to distract them, or failing that throw them at the guards.


Alice: As long as they are complete idiots it should work.

[The party turn and look at SPAVEL, just as he picks his nose and licks his finger clean.]


Harvey: Hmmm, I'm not sure if he's a complete idiot or not. It's possible some parts are missing, what?


Alice: [Calls out to Spavel] What shape is the earth?

Spavel: Flat!

Alice: [To Harvey] Nope, I think he's a complete idiot!


Dur: So, we try the clocks then. Maybe Sebby can cast a spell to make the guards see chickens?


Alice: If he could do that we wouldn't have to bother with the clocks!


Dur: [Looks expectantly at Seb] Well? Make with the mojo, boyo!


Sebastian: Alas, Alice is right, creating sounds is the only illusion spell I have. I could summon a beast though for them to actually fight? [Ponders] Failing that we could just killed them while their backs are turned. [Ponders more] Hang on, where are their chickens?

;;; Sorry not been well


Alice: Good question. [Calls out to Spavel] Where's your chicken?

Spavel: I don't have a chicken. What the hell would I be doing with a chicken?


Sebastian: You are guarding an area only CHIT's may enter. You yourself are inside that area only CHIT's may enter. Being inside, you must therefore be a CHIT yourself. All CHIT's carry chickens. Where then, good sir, is your chicken?


Spavel: No, I'm guarding the area. I'm not in it. [Points at the door into the next carriage] That's the area that only CHITs are allowed into.


Clint: Describe a "chicken." [To the party, quietly.] Maybe the chickens in our clocks will do?


Spavel: What the hell? You don't even know what a chicken looks like? It has a long scary nose and massive claws on its feet, and prances around going [does an extremely unconvincing chicken dance] Caw! Ca-caw! Ca-caw! Ca-caw!


Dur: [Tries to look through the door with his x-ray vision] Nice impression!


Clint: You mean like this? [Tries to wind his cuckoo clock to the point where the cuckoo comes out and.... uh... goes "Caw! Ca-Caw!"]


[Another officer spots this and joins in.]

Officer: No! It's more like this [does another impression] Chaw! Chee-chaw! Chee-chaw!

Alice: That's not what a chicken does! It's more like A-coodle-doodle-do! A-coodle-doodle-do!

[CLINT's cuckoo pops out.]

Cuckoo: Cuckoo! Cuckoo!

Spavel: For God's sake! Put it away!


Harvey: Indeed, it does rather strike fear into the heart of the enemy, what?


Spavel: Hold on -- you mean it strikes fear into us, right? The enemy are the ones using it against us!


Charlie: [To Spavel] Will you let us in, now that you have seen our chicken?


Clint: And don't make me get my chicken out again. My chicken doesn't like having to do that. You might make him angry. And you wouldn't like him when he's angry!


Spavel: Of course! Just keep it away from me! [Opens the door for the party]

[There is a distinct odor of chicken crap coming from the next carriage.]


Sebastian: [To Spavel] Not a problem. We got this. [To the party, confidently] Come along troop, let us not show this beast any fear.

;;; May not be around today, had a weird sleep schedule.

;;; The new World of Warcraft is released for play in just over 2 and

a half hours

;;; on the US server where I play, so may be up for a bit longer yet

to create Panda character

;;; Or I may forego sleep.


[Enter the party to the next carriage.]

Spavel: [With admiration] Those magnificent Harmen and their flying machines. [Excitedly to the other HARMA officers] See what I did there? See? By flying machines, I meant chickens!

Officer: But chickens can't fly!

;;; End of scene, next one coming up in 30 mins or so

;;; Geek!


[Book VIII, Act XI, Scene VIII. The Chicken Carriage. ALICE, AUSTIN, CHARLIE, CLINT, DUR, HARVEY and SEBASTIAN are here, having just entered what appears to be a carriage sized chicken coop]

Alice: What the hell is going on here?


Austin : [Shudders at the sight] I am not sure that I want to know.


Charlie: [Looks around uneasily] Why in the world are they collecting chickens, of all things?!


Harvey: They seem to have some fear of them, what? I say, they mentioned something about an enemy using chickens against them. Perhaps we should find out how this enemy is so we can by them lunch!


Austin : The party should take a quick look around, to find out what is going on.


Alice: Yes, they should!


Austin : [To Alice] Why don't you have a look that way, and I'll check over here [Points left and then right]


Charlie: [Disdainfully] And will the rest of us simply watch quietly?! [Claps her hands] Group, search this carriage at once, chop chop!


Austin : [Smirks] No. The rest of you should not simply watch quietly. That would be stupid. What a stupid thing to think. We are a group and we should all search together.


Charlie: [Cheerily] I quite agree! Yours was a stupid plan, and mine is much better. Now, let us search this carriage! [Starts poking around the carriage]


Alice: So... we just watch Austin be stupid? Okay!

[Everyone but ALICE searches the carriage, and find nothing but chickens. Lots and lots of chickens.]


Harvey: [Looks at the chickens] Hmmm, does anyone have come cooking equipment?


Alice: You know, some time ago, HARMA made chicken feet illegal, because they were used in magic. Maybe they are confiscating them because of that?


Austin : [Sighs] My plan was not stupid, my plan was for everyone to search the carriage, you were just too stupid to understand that [Casually checks his nails] . Let's try the next carriage. [Goes to see if there is another carriage]


Alice: If everyone is too stupid to understand your plan, Aussie, then maybe you just did a stupid job of explaining it.

[There is another carriage, and the party can see through some glass in the door that it looks like a normal passenger carriage.]


Dur: Perhaps one of them knows? [Points at the chickens]


Austin : [Tries the door to the next carriage] Let us try the next carriage.


Charlie: I quite agree! These creatures are rather unnerving. [Heads to the next carriage after Austin]


Alice: Aw! I think they're cute! [Goes to pet one] Here chook-chook-chook!

[ALICE's finger is immediately savaged by an enraged chicken.]

Alice: Ow! You bastard!

[AUSTIN opens the door and the party head into a comfortable looking passenger carriage. AMELIA is here, talking to some other HARMA officers. She gives the party a quick look.]


Clint: Well? She's your girl, lawyer. [Hangs back, trying to figure out the optimal way to use a cuckoo clock as a weapon when this all goes wrong.]


Alice: She won't want to be seen with him in front of her homos!


Dur: [Staring at Alice] Her what?!


Clint: I think she said 'her homos', Doc.


Alice: That's exactly what I said. It's a little thing called [emphasis] street, Doc. You gotsta get down with us kids! She be hanging with her homos -- her home boys!


Harvey: Um, are you sure, my dear? Surely someone who's hanging would be significantly more ...dead, what?


Charlie: [Assuming lecturing stance] I believe you will find that the term is [finger quotes] home-buoys. [Primly] I do have a teenaged niece in my care, you know, and so I am decidedly [finger quotes] down.


Austin : Yes, one of your great skills, looking after a child without any form of contact for months or years on end. [To Amelia] Hello, how are things?


Alice: Wow. He really is a bitch today, isn't he?

Amelia: [Gives Austin a withering look] Do I know you?


Harvey: [To Alice, confused] Today...?


Alice: Okay, this year, but you know, he wasn't always like that. Once upon a time, he was fun and witty.


Austin : [To Amelia] Of course not, you wouldn't forget me. [To Alice] And I shall be again.

;;;awa hame


Dur: [Sighs nostalgically] Weren't we all...


Clint: [To Dur, with a glance at Charlie.] No?


Charlie: [To Clint] Mr. Scar, I am not sure for what purpose you are requesting my permission, but you likely have guessed correctly that the answer is NO. Now, do be still, as Mr. Sleaze is currently negotiating quite a tense situation with his [in an annoyingly girly voice that comes from out of nowhere] giiiiirlfriend!


Alice: Yes he was, Clint. He wasn't always such a joyless jackass. Time was,he was fun to have around!

Amelia: [Looks Austin up and down] I'm sure.=20


Alice: Or maybe not!

[The party head along the carriage, which has several other HARMA officers sitting there, although it isn't completely full.]


Charlie: [In a low voice] Keep moving, and do try to be discreet, group! We do not wish to draw any more attention, if possible. [Tries to move through to the next carriage]


Austin : I will try my best, but I am rather beautiful, and do attract a lot of attention. [Checks his hair in a pocket mirror]


Alice: Just as well you wore that quiet uniform, Aus!


Harvey: [To Austin] Ahem, well, if you being [Pause] 'beautiful', as you put it, is an issue, I'm sure Private Scar can provide some assistance, what?


Alice: Really, Harvey? Are you sure you want another person looking like Clint wandering around? I mean [gestures to Clint] just look at him! No offence, Clint, but come on!


Charlie: [Firmly] We don't want ANYONE wandering around, as we have a mission to complete. Come along, group! [Tries to get through the carriage and on to the next]


Austin : If we all looked like Mr Scar, there would be little point in saving the world. [Frowns at Clint's look]


Alice: There are already too many people who look like Clint! I mean, look at that forehead, the drooping arms! Ew!

[Just as CHARLIE approaches the door, a HARMA officer steps in. This is SLOPPY MCGOOHAM. He is quite overweight, barely fits into his uniform and is eating what appears to be a bowl of greasy slop with his fingers.]

Sloppy: 'scuse me!


Austin : [To Sloppy] Please get out of our way, we are conducting important business, you are a disgrace to the HARMA uniform.


Sloppy: [Digs out some more of his disgusting looking slop and sucks it off his fingers] I'm not blocking you.

[There is a momentary stand off as he realizes that the party members at the front don't want to get anywhere near him]

Sloppy: Huh! [Grins] I guess I am. [Sits down] Be my guest. [Holds up his bowl] Slop?


Charlie: [Repulsed] No, and do pull yourself together. You are making the rest of us sad!


Dur: And Hungry! [Look at everyone] Right?


Alice: [Laughs for a moment, but then realizes he's serious] Wait? That's FOOD? Oh. I think I'm going to be sick.


Harvey: Well, one must make do with what's available on the march, eh? Some trail rations arent too bad with some snakes' feet and a couple of golden honeyed locusts. [Looks again at the slop] Though whatever that is might have a detrimental impact on the fighting effectiveness of the force, what?


Alice: Do we have to eat it? I'm not even hungry!

Sloppy: And I'm STARVING!


Clint: [Nods.] Good initiative, taking food from the mouths of the starving poor to feed yourself. Very commendable. I think there's some more back that way. [Nods, indicating behind the party.]


Sloppy: Really? I thought it was just the super secret hiding place where all the cool stuff we've confiscated from people is kept!


Clint: Obviously, you'd have to crawl along the outside of the train so you don't see anything you're not supposed to, but if you go a few cars in the right direction...


Austin : [Authoritatively] It is. Now stand aside and let us pass.


Sloppy: [To Clint] Unlikely. [To Austin] Knock yourself out, buddy.

;;; Sloppy IS sitting down


Austin : [Carefully steps over Sloppy trying not to touch him] The things we have to do to save the world!


Alice: [Looking distinctly green] That stuff smells even worse than Clint!

[AUSTIN opens the door to reveal that the party are actually on the last carriage.]


Charlie: [Surprised] What? [In a low voice, looking around the carriage] It must be hidden here somewhere, then? Let us try to search, er, discreetly!


Alice: I think you mean [stagily] discretely!

[Blank looks from the rest of the party.]

Alice: Hey! Math is fun!

[There are about ten HARMA officers on board, and a few piece of luggage, but virtually nothing else.]


Austin : [Carefully steps back over Sloppy] Well, if it is a potion that enhances the male genitalia, then it would be sensible to entrust it's conveyance to a female HARMA officer. However it may simply be a potion of strength.


Harvey: And what if it's a potion of extreme bitchiness, eh? Perhaps we should learn something about this potion, what?


Austin : [To Harvey] Why would any of us need a potion like that! [Chuckles]


Alice: I thought we'd already taken it! [To Austin] I bet there's more than one potion -- there's at least the strength one and the Peniosity one that the first guy was talking about.


Charlie: [To Alice] Oh, there is no such thing as a Peniosity potion. Remember how we debunked all of those fondly held childhood fancies of yours, about obese men delivering packages and so forth? It's like that sort of thing. A lovely fantasy, nothing more. [Goes all dreamy] Some men are just born lucky, others. . . . [shrugs helplessly]


Alice: ... end up with you?


Charlie: [To Alice] Oh, do get your mind out of the gutter, and help me search through this luggage!


Alice: Oh please. I don't even WANT to know what kind of baggage you have, Charlie!

;;; Drew is out this week

Sebastian: [Points to some of the bags] I think she means these. [Lowly] Are we really going to search this stuff with these guys right here?


Dur: [Tries to discreetly cast DETECT MAGIC to find the potion] Do you think they'd mind?


Austin : Yes I think they will mind, wouldn't you?


Alice: They seem to hate everything else!

[DUR doesn't detect anything in the luggage. ]

;;; gone for the day!


Clint: Looks like the lawyer's gonna have to take one for the team and seduce it out of his girlfriend. Good luck!


Austin : No, Mr Scar, I do not.


Alice: Yeesh, Austin! How are we supposed to find it? [Looks at Sloppy] And where did that guy come from? Remember? When we saw him first he was coming into this carriage from [points to the door that apparently is the last door on the train] there.


Charlie: But you WILL at least ask her, won't you?


Austin : Sorry dear, but your memory appears to be failing in your old age. I have already asked her and she said that she did not have it. One of the others must have it, and perhaps Sloppy has an identical twin brother. [Casually checks his nails]


Charlie: Perhaps she lied. Or perhaps she knows where it is!


Sebastian: Of course she knows where it is!


Harvey: Indeed - you know what women are like, what? [Pause] Apart from my wife, of course, with her community projects.


Austin : [Nods in agreement] Yes, apart from Jasmine, naturally.


Charlie: [Exasperated] So, you won't ask her for help? Surely you can weasel something out of her!


Alice: Is this some sort of tiff? After all, she's been weird [pauser] er since you told her you wouldn't want her to us a favour on your behalf. [To the others] Great. He's found a girlfriend who's even more of a girl than he is!

;;; She's referring to 11.05.040


Austin : [Exasperated] I have already asked her, and even if she was lying, which I don't think she was, what is the point in asking again, [Sighs] She will likely as not give us exactly the same answer. [Exasperated] Besides, she does not support our cause, she is anti-path, so why would she help us with this, when even we are not really sure why we are doing it?


Alice: [Nods] It's a tiff. Okay, he's not going to ask her to help us, so we need to figure out how to find it ourselves.

Sebastian: [Nods towards Sloppy] That guy knows something, I'm sure of it. He came through the door, but there's no carriage there!


Austin : [Sighs] It's not a tiff, at least not that I am aware of. I expect that she is probably bored, having to hang around with those idiots.


Alice: Suuuure!


Austin : Good, well, at least we agree on something.


Alice: So, given that you won't ask your girlfriend who you're not fighting with, what should we do? [Peers out the door] It has to be out there, but there's nothing there!


Austin : [Carefully holding on to the carriage, tries to see if there is an invisible carriage where they expect one to be] Let me just test something.


[AUSTIN daintily sticks his foot out. There is definitely something huge where one would expect to see the next carriage.]


Austin : [Carefully tries to find a solid foot hold on the invisible thing] How strange!


Harvey: Aha! I know exactly what this is - it's a stealth... thing.


Alice: I see! [Thinks] Actually, I don't!

[AUSTIN puts his foot down, and there's something very solid, on the same level as the floor of the carriage.]


Dur: Hmmmm. Has to be magic? [Dur tries to cast Dispel Magic]


[DUR casts his spell, but nothing happens.]

Sebastian: You're right. It HAS to be magic, and powerful magic at that.

[Everyone catches a whiff of what has to be SLOPPY approaching.]

Sloppy: Hey guys. Watcha doin'?


Charlie: [To Sloppy] Oh, the usual! Discussing ways to drain all of the fun out of life, that sort of thing. [Points to Dur] Jonesy here was just saying he thinks we should outlaw hand gestures of any kind at public gatherings! You know, like this! [Mimics Dur's spellcasting with elaborate hand gestures] Good idea, don't you think?


Austin : [Steps on to the solid surface and then tests to see if he can make another step further] Just look at her hands!


Clint: Shocking, isn't it? She almost looks like she might be having fun!


Sloppy: Why don't you punch her in the face?

[There is something very large and solid in front of AUSTIN. Although quite invisible!]


Clint: [To Sloppy.] Because then I'd be having fun?


Sloppy: Hm. Good answer. I like it. In fact, it's a little too good. I think you're up to no good. [Dips his fingers into the disgusting slop and licks them]


Harvey: And you - are you, ahem, [With dramatic emphasis] enjoying that slop?


Sebastian: [To Clint] Any luck yet? Need any help?

;;; Just noticed that the Blog email has been missed out of emails

since 11.08.091. Added it back in now


Charlie: [Tries to stand between Clint and any HARMA people watching. To Harvey, conversationally] What was it you were saying about that local sporting team?


Harvey: That they were just great! [Thinks for a moment] Er, or was it that they were just awful?

[CLINT presses the sinkiest area, and the party hear a sliding noise. A door opens, leading to another carriage, the inside of which the party can now see.]

;;; Thanks Drew -- that was you, Dom! I think you responded to John's

;;; #88 where he told us he was going to be away


Charlie: [To the party, whispering frantically] Hurry, get in! But be casual about it!


Austin : [Strolls into the invisible carriage nonchalantly. To Charlie] Perhaps you could try meditation? Or Yoga, I have heard that is good for stress and tension relief.


Alice: Do you think it will help with the fact that those HARMA people your girlfriend was with are approaching?


Charlie: [Gasps] Hurry, group! [Tries to enter the carriage]


[CHARLIE slips on, as do the rest of the party. The HARMA officers are definitely approaching.]

Alice: What'll we do?


Charlie: [To Clint] Mr. Scar, can you find a way to shut the door from this side? [To the party] Just behave as if this is all in the course of business! [Waves in a friendly way at the HARMA officers]


[All the party smile and wave, just as CLINT slams the door shut.]


Austin : We could barricade the door. [Looks around the carriage to check that they are alone and safe]


[The party do indeed appear to be alone, and there are a few crates that could probably be shoved in front of the door.]

Alice: We could, but then, how would we get out?


Charlie: And we don't wish to attract attention by making it seem as if we do not belong here! If anyone comes in, just behave as if you belong here. But while we have private time, let's search these crates for the potion! [Tries to search a crate]


[The crate opens easily to reveal some glass unicorns -- JOE NUNPAR's favourite ornament.]

Harvey: [Points at a safe] Maybe this is where we should start? We could stand on the safe and reach the items on the top shelf?


Austin : Of course it could be a double bluff, but they might have put the potion in the safe [Tries to open the safe]


[The safe is locked, but AUSTIN sets about trying to pick it. The door to the carriage slides open. ANTON and two other HARMA officers stand there, clearly able to see what AUSTIN is doing.]


Austin : Mr Scar, you should probably see to what they need, in your opinion, naturally.


Sebastian: [To Anton and co.] Ah gentlemen, welcome. How may we be of assistance?

;;; Out for rest of the day


Charlie: Yes, was there something you needed? Perhaps a crate? [Points to a random crate hopefully]


Anton: Uh, sure, that would be... crate!

[Laughs so hard that milks comes down his nose. CLINT slams the door hard in his face.]

Anton: [From outside the door] Ow! Hey!


Austin : Thank you Mr Scar, good to know that my back is covered, sometimes. [Continues working on the safe]


[The safe pops open. Inside is a potion in a bottle even more beautiful than that which Louis XV brandy comes in. Somehow, everyone intuitively knows that this is the potion.]

Sebastian: Wow! It's incredible! [Looks around] How the hell do we get out of here?


Austin : [Carefully takes the potion and puts it in his jacket. Next he checks the safe for anything else of interest, and checks to see if there are any false panels in the safe. To Sebastian] Perhaps there is another door? Alternatively Mr Scar and the rest of you can assist the HARMA officers at the door, off the train, or perhaps we can just decouple this carriage?


Clint: Right! You guys look for an exit and I'll keep those guys out there from getting in here. [Gets himself ready to slam the door back shut again.]


[It looks like the only way out of the carriage is back the way the party came in, and that it isn't possible to decouple the carriage without opening the door. However, no HARMA officers try to open the door. Yet!]

Alice: Maybe they've gone away?


Charlie: Perhaps we can just stroll out? No one is beating on the doors or anything, so perhaps we shall get away with it!


Austin : Or they know that it is the only exit and therefore we are trapped. Perhaps Mr Scar can make us a new door in the other end of the carriage?


Clint: [A touch dubiously.] I can try, anyway! Someone watch this door for me! [Heads toward the side of the carriage and tries to kick open an exit.]


[CLINT kicks the wall hard. Nothing happens.]

Harvey: Whatever happens, we're going out that [points at the door] way. The sooner, the better, because the longer we wait, the more HARMA officers there'll be.


Clint: We should find something we can use to just knock all those HARMA guys out of the way! [Looks around for something the party can use as a kind of riot shield.]

;;; Although obviously, one wouldn't say no to a hand grenade! =)


Sebastian: I could always do my usual trick and just blast them all with my burning hands spell. Doc, you got any attacking spells you can use to help me with?


Dur: Not really, but I could say some unkind things about their haircuts. [Looks sad] That always worked on me.

Harvey: The quack with the bad haircut might be able to help, but I have that ability to choke people with my mind, that might knock some of them out too.

Alice: And you, Seb, you can detect weapons, remember? That'll at least tell us how many are outside. Assuming they all have weapons. And just one weapon each.


Charlie: Oh, how thrilling! [Frets] I only wish there was something we needed to read very quickly so I could use my new power, as well!


Alice: Yeah, sorry about that Charlie, reading is kind of a lame thing, isn't it?


Charlie: [To Alice, aghast] Do be serious! [To Sebastian] Well, how many are there? Shall we risk it?


;;; Drew is out?

Sebastian: At least four weapons, but what happens if we manage to kill them? How do we get off the train?

Alice: [Helpfully] That Sloppy guy got off fairly easily.


Austin : One of our magically endowed members could make us as light as feathers and then we could all jump off the train?


Dur: Its not really my area of expertise but maybe Seb can do it!


Sebastian: 'fraid not. The only way we're getting off this train is either to jump or when we get to the station.


Clint: Jumping it is! Now let's go kick some butt and then have a bold daring escape!


Charlie: Are we so sure we would survive the jump?! Perhaps we could get the train to stop first? Could we pull the emergency brake and run for it?


Dur: Anyone who doesn't make will have the pleasure of receiving the best health care this party can afford! Me!


Alice: I wanna jump!

Harvey: Hold on, perhaps we can talk our way out of this, what?


Clint: [Sighs.] Probably easier just to uncouple from the rest of the train, coast to a halt, and cause a massive trainwreck when we're long gone!


Austin : The uncoupling part sounds good. Perhaps I will be able to do that if you distract them.


[The door slides open. Eight HARMA officers charge in.]

Anton: Get those Queens View bastards!

[It will be very difficult to get anywhere close to the mechanism to uncouple the carriage.]


Clint: Hurry up and do your burning thing, so we can kick these guys off the train!


Austin : Get them! [Hurriedly tries to quaff the potion of strength]

;;;; off home,

;;;; Aus will naturally try to beat the crap out of them if the potion works.


Sebastian: I can't! I already used it earlier today!

Alice: [Picks up the top of a crate and whacks the nearest HARMA officer over the head with it] Come on, Stinky!

;;; In post 11.01.072

Harvey: [Horrified at Austin, grabbing at the potion] Gah! Private Sleaze! What the hell do you think you're doing? We didn't go to all this trouble just so you can take it!

[The potion flies high into the air.]

Anton: There it is! Colonel Nunpar said that someone would try to steal it!


Clint: [Cinematically.] Noooooo! [Tries to catch the potion if he's in a position where that's possible, and if not, tries to beat the snot out of the nearest HARMA goon.]


[Thanks to a surprisingly high ceiling in this carriage, not to mention a suspiciously slow moving potion, no one is in a position to catch it, so CLINT punches a particularly gormless looking officer smack in the nose, knocking him out. Meanwhile, HARVEY concentrates hard, and suddenly all the HARMA officers start to choke.]


Charlie: [Tries to get in position to catch the potion] Well done, Colonel! I shall retrieve this so we can be on our way!


Dur: I got it! [Tries to cast HELPING HAND on the potion to bring it to him]


Alice: No! Me! Me!

[Alas, the potion flies to DUR, just as the HARMA officers all fall unconscious.]

Harvey: [Beaming with pride] By the saints! That was bracing!


Dur: [Tucks the potion into his specialized carrying compartment (otherwiseknown as his underwear)] Indeed it was! Now would be a good time to make w= ith the car separation!


Alice: Oh no! Now there are more of them coming! [Points up at the opposite end of the far carriage] If we decouple it, they'll surely catch us! We don't even know where we are!


Sebastian: Okay, so what do we do? Kill everyone working for HARMA on the train and take control of it for ourselves?


Charlie: No, but perhaps we can create confusion and escape! What if we told them someone has broken into the secret cart, leaving a trail of feathers behind that leads back to the jail?!


Alice: I'm already confused, does that count?

Harvey: Maybe we could pin it on these buffoons, what?


Sebastian: [To Alice] Not really. [To the party] So, plan of attack? They are getting closer by the second after all.


Austin : Run towards the screaming "Lions! Run!"?


Sebastian: [Running after Austin, screaming as well] There's snakes on the train!


Alice: While they're being idiots, why don't we plant some evidence on this guy? [Points at Anton] We can claim we simply stopped him and his henchmen from robbing it!


Charlie: [Gasps] Oh, let's do! [Fishes out a flask and attempts to tuck it in Anton's pocket] Oh, I shall miss my mid-morning sip of lukewarm tea!


Alice: I know missing your lukewarm weak tea is a crime, Charlie, but can't we make it more damning? Maybe put the potion of strength in a different container and put the tea in the actual container? That way, we can hide that in his pocket?

[SEBASTIAN gets to the other officers, still screaming about snakes. One of them, CHOCOLATAY, is enraged.]

Chocolatay: I have had it with these mother-flipping snakes on this mother-flipping train!


Charlie: Oh, splendid idea! [Tries to stand behind members of the party and swap the tea and potion]


;;; I'm assuming Dur won't let go of the potion!

[DUR empties the tea onto the ground and fills the holder with the potion, quickly pocketing it, before handing the empty potion bottle to CHARLIE.]


Charlie: [To Clint, urgently] Mr. Scar! Some, er, liquid is needed at once.

;;; Ew.


Alice: [Horrified] Charlie! I know they're HARMA and all, but... really? Isn't this covered by the Jemima Convention?

Sorry! Been in meetings all morning!


Clint: We've done this before, bimbo. A little more won't hurt them! [Grabs the potion bottle, turns his back, unzips, and hopes like hell he doesn't get performance anxiety.]


Harvey: [Standing very, very, very, very close to Clint] Gah! I certainly hope you don't get performance anxiety, eh? Eh? That would be a disaster, a DISASTER, I say!

[Fortunately, CLINT manages a few drops, and the bottle is soon full.]

Natalie is into thre esome orgies.



Clint: [Hands the bottle over.] Here ya go. Don't drop it! And you should probably keep it away from the Doc. Just in case.


Alice: [Gingerly touches it] Ow! It's red hot! [Slips it into Anton's pocket, just as Chocolatay arrives at the door.]

Chocolatay: What the flip is going on in this flipping carriage?


Austin : [To Chocolatay] We have caught a spy! [Points at Anton]


Chocolatay: A flipping spy? No flipping way!

[ANTON starts to slowly regain consciousness.]

Anton: What.. what happened?


Charlie: [Pointing at Anton] This dreadful man stole a very rare, terribly important potion!


Sebastian: [To Anton] We caught you trying to steal a potion, that's what happened.


Anton: Liars! I never stole anything! I hate stealing! [Suddenly looks worried] Oh no! I think I'm having a heart attack! My chest has got all hot!


Austin : Feigining illness! That is an old old trick, but you wont fool us!


Anton: No! It really is! [Pulls open his jacket] Wait! It's this! [Takes out the potion, unmistakable in its super attractive bottle]

Chocolatay: Oh my good flip!


Austin : [Shrieks] He stole the potion! Oh no!


Alice: That dirty flipper!

Anton: No! Please! I never saw the potion before!

Alice: [Dramatically] Then how did you know it was a potion?


Sebastian: And how did you know which potion it was?


Austin : And how did you put it in your pocket if you did not know what it was? Are you claiming insanity as your defence?


Anton: I don't know what potion it is! And no, I'm not insane!

Harvey: Ah! So you knew what you were doing eh? Bounder!


Charlie: Outrageous! We should remove him from the train at once. He isn't fit to travel with the rest of us upright HARMA sorts! Do let's stop the train to have him taken away.


[CHOCOLATAY grabs the unfortunate ANTON as the train starts to pull in at the station in Queens View.]

Chocolatay: You flipping thief! There'll be hell to pay for this! [Puts the potion back in the safe] I'm sure that Colonel Nunpar would just love to meet the people responsible for recovering the potion. He'd love to sit down and look you in the eye!

[Everyone looks around awkwardly, as the train stops.]

Harvey: By the saints, sir, I do believe that YOU were the one who caught him! You were flipping great!

Chocolatay: Really? Uh, yeah, I guess I was! [Starts to drag Anton out of the carriage] Come on, you!

[The party nonchalantly slip away, potion in hand.]

;;; End of Book VIII, Act XI. Next one up on Wednesday.