10.01.001

[Book VIII, Act X, Scene I. Approaching a farmhouse. ALICE (driving), AUSTIN, CHARLIE, CLINT, DUR, HARVEY, SEBASTIAN and DEUCE are here, on the carriage, along with about thirty refugees. It is about four hours after the end of the last act, and the party left Queens View as quickly as possible. However, there were so many injured people along the way, they have picked up so many that the carriage is moving at about one mile per hour. The self appointed spokesperson for the refugees appears to be CRYSTAL FIRES, who has issued several complaints to the party about the speed.]

Crystal: For the love of Phili! Please slow down! Do you want to kill us all? Is that what you want?

10.01.002

Dur: [Eyes narrowed] Well not ALL of you...

10.01.003

Charlie: [To Dur, urgently] Shh! We shall get you a little snack at the earliest convenience. There is no need to begin cannibalizing our fellow passengers.

10.01.004

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Harvey: So pay attention, Private Dur - no cannibalizing the passengers, eh? Eating them is permitted, though, what?

--001636c5bea1c5bbd504c25a9d74

10.01.005

Crystal: Typical! The privileged elite thinking that they can simply eat the innocent! How many times has it happened to me?

10.01.006

Dur: [Confused] So..... You've been eaten often?

10.01.007

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Harvey: [To Dur, quietly but loud enough that everyone can hear] Careful, doctor. This civilian seems almost as insane as our own Private Parker-Kensington, what?

--20cf303ea796f0a4fd04c25ad824

10.01.008

Charlie: [Haughtily] I have never mistakenly thought myself to be a victim of cannibalism!

10.01.008

Crystal: All the time! It's just another way for the elite ruling clases to put the proletariat down!

Alice: [Points to the farmhouse] Look! Finally! We can drop the proles here and then find a nice hotel for us to stay in.

10.01.009

Charlie: Splendid! [To the party, helpfully] The underclasses enjoy working with their hands, and they will be most happy laboring here until the end of their days.

10.01.010

Crystal: Oh, you'd love that, wouldn't you? What are you going to do? Throw the people who own the house out?


;;; Gone for the day, no posting until FRIDAY!

10.01.011

Alice: Maybe we could get the refugees to throw the people out?

10.01.012

Sebastian: Guys, really? Ever thought the people in the house would be happy and willing to take the refugees in and help them?

10.01.013

Alice: [Laughs at Sebastian] Good one! That's really great, Seb! [Applauds, but slowly realizes that he's being serious] Oh, I see.

10.01.013

Clint: What kind of hippy crap is that?


;;; Before I forget, I'll be out of town at a conference all next week, and

;;; probably no posting to speak of.

10.01.014

Charlie: [To Clint, brightly] The kind of hippy crap that will keep us from having to deal with them ourselves!

10.01.015

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Harvey: Excellent! Now, let us withdraw before they realise, eh? The proletariat may be idiots, but they're not stupid, what?

--002354435cc2358ef104c27f2293

10.01.016

Sebastian: [Groans] He said that word again. [To the party] Is this what it means to be a Path Ethic? To have the hero complex, to believe that you can essentially do what you want to who you want because it's all in the name of the greater good? Do you never think about talking the options over with those that what you are planning to do will affect. in case there is a more agreeable solution to the problem?

10.01.017

Alice: [Mulls this over for a moment] Actually, that's a pretty good summary, Seb.

Austin: [Haughtily] Maybe that's what it means to the rest of you, but not to me. No, [stands up, a little unsteadily due to the super fast 1mph speed of the carriage] I am a hero in the true sense of the word, I shall lead my people to warmth and comfort, I shall overcome! I shall provide! [To the party] Now quickly, let's ask the people in the farmhouse if they have some free cabbage that we can sell to the refugees.

10.01.018

Charlie: Excellent idea, Mr. Sleaze! [Grandly] To the farmhouse!

10.01.019

Austin: [Leaps off the carriage] My people should wait!

[The party head to the door of the farmhouse, upon which AUSTIN knocks. There is no answer.]

10.01.020

Charlie: [Tries to peek in the window. Hopefully] Perhaps they have decided to donate their home to the less fortunate by abandoning it, rather conveniently?

10.01.021

Alice: Maybe they knew there was a bunch of refugees coming and they ran, thus, ironically, becoming the very thing from which they were running? [Peers in] Oh dear. [Looks back at the others] It's full of bodies!


;;; Gone for the weekend!

10.01.022

Sebastian: Then we should investigate. Think the invasion has reached this far yet?

10.01.023

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Harvey: Are you insane, man? Did you not hear Alice mention the dead bodies? No, clearly we should show respect by quietly withdrawing to a safe location, what?

--20cf302d4bb8d87f3d04c2838f41

10.01.024

Clint: Maybe we should find out what killed them and make sure it doesn't happen to the guys we've got with us, so we can leave them here and they won't complain about how we abandoned them to a brutal murderer?


;;; Have a great week all!

10.01.025

Alice: Although, if they get murdered, they'd stop complaining!

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10.01.026

Charlie: Yes, well, in any case, let's do investigate! [Tries to open the door]

10.01.027

Harvey: [To Alice] Indeed, victims of a brutal murder almost never complain about it afterwards, what? [Thinks] Almost never.

10.01.028

[CHARLIE opens the door and the party are confronted with a horrifying sight. In the main room, into which the front door opens, there are five bodies. One is a man, tied to a chair. His eyelids have been cut off, and he has been beaten to a bloody pulp, although it looks like the actual cause of death was his throat being slit. The others are in a similar condition, all horribly beaten, almost beyond recognition, and all with their throats slit. However, their eyelids are intact. All of the bodies have a capital H carved into their forehead.]

Austin: [Reeling, looking as though he's going to throw up] What the hell is this? [Grimly to Sebastian] I suspect the invasion has reached this far.

Alice: [Barely able to look] What's with the inverted H on their foreheads?

10.01.029

Charlie: [Winces at the sight of the bodies] Why remove that man's eyelids?! Surely killing him was bad enough! [Squints at one of the foreheads. To Alice] What do you mean, inverted?

10.01.030

Harvey: [Hurriedly] Oh, they look fine, what? Fit as a fiddle! Right as rain! Now, we'd best be going, hmmm? [Heads towards the door]

10.01.031

Sebastian: [Goes outside and throws up then comes back] Do you think whoever did this would come back?

10.01.032

Alice: For what? They left nothing and nobody!

10.01.033

Sebastian: That was my thought. Our companions should be safe here then you think?

10.01.034

Charlie: Assuming there is anywhere safe now! I do see your point, though.

10.01.035

Dur: I assume this man's eyelids were cut off to force him to watch the torture of his compatriots... [Dur surveys the room calmly] Perhaps he had val= uable information to offer their attacker? Perhaps we can ask him? [Tries to cast "Speak to Dead" on the eyelid-less man and then says aside to the gr= oup] Is anyone else suddenly hungry?

10.01.036

Alice: [Looks at Dur with disgust] Not any more!

[DUR's spell doesn't appear to work.]

10.01.037

Dur: [Stomach growling] Errr... Me either. [Inspecting the patients more closely] It appears these patients suffer from an acute form of 'death'. Sadl= y, there is nothing I can do to treat them.

10.01.038

Charlie: [Frowns] Why would someone torture a farmer's family?!

10.01.039

Dur: Perhaps we can find a clue? [Searches the area as thoroughly as he canmanage] =

10.01.040

Sebastian: Perhaps they simply take pleasure in torture and it did not matter who it was they were torturing.

10.01.041

[The room, although in disarray, doesn't appear to have been ransacked.]

Alice: There's definitely a sense that someone had pleasure here -- why else would they force the guy to watch?

10.01.042

Sebastian: I can think of no other reason. But which of the neighboring realms would employ such a technique?

10.01.043

Charlie: Perhaps the torturers were trying to extract information from these people? Could there be something valuable hidden here, perhaps? [Joins Dur in poking around, looking for clues]

10.01.044

Harvey: Hmmm, and what could the 'H' signify, what?

10.01.044

[Everyone joins the search, but no one finds anything of obvious interesting, and it seems clear that the place hasn't been searched already.]

Alice: Maybe they were trying to get some information?

Austin: Or it could just have been for fun. While we were away, we saw any number of horrific torture victims. Ones that would make even Pestilence look= like an amateur.=20

10.01.045

Charlie: [Scowls at Austin. To Harvey] A signature, perhaps? Some demented way of marking one's victims?

10.01.046

Harvey: Hmmm, no I don't believe so, what? I mean, who do we know that would use H as an initial letter, eh?


;;; This can't end well...

10.01.047

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Austin : Well, some one who's name begins with H. Like Henry, or 'Helen', or 'Hugio'. or 'Harvey'.


;;;; sorry for no posts yesterday, can everyone go back to using '

djmalzie@gmail.com' instead of beijing909@gmail.com


;;; ta


;;; :)

--0016e6d77c4e2ecb9404c2d032a1

10.01.048

Alice: Or maybe it's an I? Turned sideways?

10.01.049

Harvey: [Nods] Or an 'O', drawn badly, what?

10.01.050

Alice: Well, there doesn't seem to be any more clues -- what will we do? We have all those angry refugees outside!

10.01.051

Charlie: [Grimly] This should sober them up quickly! Let's have that bossy woman direct the others in cleaning up this mess and burying these poor people. We really should keep moving and try to find the fiends who did this!

10.01.051

Charlie: [Grimly] This should sober them up quickly! Let's have that bossy woman direct the others in cleaning up this mess and burying these poor people. We really should keep moving and try to find the fiends who did this!

Austin : [To Charlie] That is most kind of you to volunteer, and very open of you to recognise your own bossiness [Smiles]

10.01.052

Charlie: [Briskly] Do be serious, Mr. Sleaze! I must lead the group.

10.01.053

Austin : [Cracks up laughing] Oh, that's a good one! Charlie leading the group. [Laughs] What a classic that would be. [Gasps for air laughing]

10.01.054

Alice: [Looks at Austin, very concerned] Is he getting hysterical? Should someone slap him?

10.01.055

Harvey: Perhaps. Very well - Private Parker-Kensington, you may be in charge of slapping Private Sleaze, while I lead the Troop as we... [Looks confused] as we... What were we doing again?

10.01.056

Austin : [Snaps to his senses immediately. To Charlie] Do not dare! [Stands well away from Charlie]

10.01.057

Alice: Wow, Charlie! That was really impressive! Well done!

[Enter CRYSTAL, looking impatient.]

Crystal: Look, what's going on here? People are hung-- [looks horrified] oh my god! This is almost as bad as what they did to the animals!


;;; And there we will pause until next Tuesday (26th June)

10.01.058

Sebastian: [Gestures to the bodies] How can you even laugh at a time like this Austin? [To Crystal] What animals?

10.01.059

Austin : [To Seb] Because I have seen far worse for far longer. It is a survival thing, get over it. [To Crystal] Do you know who did this?

10.01.059

I am not getting any mails, did I miss something? D

10.01.060

Crystal: [Horrified] Of course I don't! [To Sebastian] The farm animal! They've all been killed too!


;;; We're on summer hours for the next two months, so no posting from me until

;;; about 12PM each day.

10.01.061

Clint: Isn't that pretty much what farm animals are for?


;;; Or, in real money, 6 AM, which means you get up waaaaaay too early! =)

10.01.062

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Harvey: What did they do with the remains of the animals? Is there enough of the meat left to make lunch?


;;; In my mail client Conor's

;;; email is showing up as sent at

;;; 3:52 am. Is that being up

;;; waaaay too early or waaaay

;;; too late?

--0016e68e802be1297904c35979b9

10.01.063

Austin : How can you consider a bar-b-q at a time like this? [Looks disgusted at the carnage] It seems that we closed the portals not a moment too soon. [Looks worried] But the effect is only temporary [Looks around nervously] We really must find the book.

10.01.064

Sebastian: A good soldier never marches on a full stomach, or so they say right? How long has it been since we last ate anyway?

10.01.065

Alice: Probably a few hours, but do we really want to stay here? Why don't we leave the refugees and head over to the next house? We can pretend that it's to see if they're alright, but then have Harvey raid the fridge while they are distracted by something shiny.


;;; It's a six hour time difference, so, yes, Tom is right!

10.01.066

Charlie: Indeed, we must keep moving! The horde that did this must be stopped. Let us leave the refugees here and try to follow the trail of the creatures that did this!


;;; So.Earrrrrly.

10.01.067

Harvey: [To Sebastian] My point exactly, what? [To Alice] But without any reconnaissance of the area, how can we tell how far away the next house is? By the saints, it could easily be a ten-minute march!

10.01.068

Austin : [Dryly] Possibly even an eleven minute march. Shall we go then?

10.01.069

Alice: [Points at Crystal] Surely she knows? [To Crystal] Where's the next house?

Crystal: I don't know!

Alice: Useless. And you call yourself a reconnaissance expert!

Crystal: No I don't!

10.01.070

Sebastian: So what's the plan then? Look for animal meat, or look for the next house?

10.01.071

Charlie: [Firmly] We shall look for the next house. Come along, group!

10.01.072

Crystal: [Hysterically] But what about us? The next house could be a mile away! What happens if whoever did this comes back? What? What? [Drops to her knees] Whaaaaaat?

Alice: Right. Shall we go?

10.01.073

Sebastian: [Crouches down and takes hold of Crystal by the shoulders] They won't come back, why would they? They already killed every living thing here, what purpose would it serve to return? None. You and the others will be safe, you have my word. [Stands back up and turns to the group] Come on then, if we are going we better go now, find out what else has happened, if there are any other survivors, and find something to eat.


;;; Out for an hour or two

10.01.074

Crystal: But there are more living things here!

Alice: For now!

[The party get on board the carriage and zoom off into the distance.]


;;; End of scene, next one coming up

10.01.074

Harvey: Hmm, are you suggesting that the perpetrators might return to the scene of the crime to harass, injure or kill these refugees, including this rather annoying woman [Indicating Crystal] ? [Considers] Hmm, I see your point, what? Best leave them to it, eh?

10.02.001

[Book VIII, Act X, Scene II. A Farm. ALICE, AUSTIN, CHARLIE, CLINT, DUR, HARVEY and SEBASTIAN are here, having driven from the previous one. There is a woman outside the farmhouse sweeping. She is wearing a fancy looking ballgown.]


;;; Kevin's out for a few days

Dur: [Munching on something] What's she up to?

10.02.002

Charlie: [Calls out to the woman] Hello there! Have you seen any demon hordes rampaging about? [Reassuringly] Not that you are in mortal danger, of course!

10.02.003

Lisa: Uh, I'm not sure. What do these demon hordes look like?

10.02.004

Austin : Well they could look like pretty much anything, so have you seen any hoards of any kind at all, demonic looking or otherwise?

10.02.005

Sebastian: And given they can look like anything, are you part of a demon hoard?

10.02.006

Clint: A demon horde determined to sweep across the lands?

10.02.006

Lisa: Uh, maybe I am! I have some friends that I go to the Tea Room with every Thursday. Does that make us a horde?

10.02.007

Harvey: [Suspiciously] How many friends?

10.02.008

Sebastian: What are their names? [To the party] Don't forget, Pestilence likes his tea parties.

10.02.009

Lisa: Let's see... there's Sally, Mary, Susan, Caroline, Esurion, Devourer of Souls, Slayer of the Innocent and Feeble and Joan. Surely there's nothing to be concerned about there?

10.02.010

Harvey: [Shocked] Nothing to be concerned about, by the saints!? Clearly anyone named "Susan" is very suspicious, what?

10.02.011

Charlie: [Glares at Sebastian] Pestilence is certainly not part of a rampaging horde, no matter how much he likes his tea! [To Lisa, surprised] You know Esurion?!

10.02.011

Clint: At least she's not a "Joan!" But so she's a demon... what're we gonna do about it? Tell 'em all where they can find some kids to sacrifice or something?

10.02.012

Harvey: Well there was that group of refugees, what?

10.02.013

Clint: Ixnay on the efugeeray, Harv!


;;; I don't see this ending well... =)

10.02.014

Harvey: [Confused] Ixnay - is that another demon?


;;; When does it ever?

10.02.015

Sebastian: Yes Harvey, the demon of speaking too much of the truth


;;; ending well is not in our characters vocabulary

10.02.016

Lisa: [Puts her hand over her mouth] Oh no! You think Sally is a demon? I think you'd better talk to my husband -- he's inside washing the blood off.

10.02.017

Sebastian: [To Lisa] What blood?


;;; Out for the day

10.02.018

Harvey: Well, the blood he's washing off himself, obviously. [Blinks as he realises what he just said] Wait - um, what?

10.02.018

Lisa: He was over at the Johansons for some plain bread and water. When he came back, he was covered in blood.

10.02.019

Harvey: [Understanding dawns] Ah, I see. [To the party, helpfully] Plain bread and water can have that effect, what?

10.02.020

Charlie: Could we have a quick word with him? I know quite a lot about getting blood out of clothes.

10.02.021

Austin : [Grimaces at Charlie] Icky on so many levels.

10.02.022

Lisa: Sure! He's just inside.

[LISA opens the door to the house and leads the party to the sitting room. Lying here near the fire is PIERS GABOR, almost naked and looking somewhat creepy. There is a pile of burgers beside him, and he has one in his hand.]

Piers: [Drips some melted cheese from his burger onto his chest] Feeling hungry?

Dur: [Eyes widen with delight] You betcha!

10.02.023

Charlie: [Looking ill] No! [Trying to avert her eyes] You weren't by any chance recently attacked, were you? Your wife said you came home covered in blood.

10.02.024

Piers: Attacked? No, not at all. [Salaciously takes a bite of his burger, dripping ketchup down his chin]


;;; Is it wrong that I really, really want a burger right now?

10.02.025

Harvey: [To Piers] Indeed, I will certainly have a burger. [Picks a burger off the pile] And clearly the 'blood' was just ketchup, eh?


;;; Not at all! :)

10.02.026

Charlie: [Examines a burger] And the meat came from some type of livestock, and not, say, human flesh?

10.02.027

Piers: [As Lisa licks the cheese off his chest] Sure! And yes, I'm afraid it was blood. The Johansons' blood.

10.02.028

Charlie: [Warily] And what happened to the Johansons?!

10.02.029

Harvey: [Looks warily at his burger] I think they might be here.

10.02.030

Piers: [Laughs at Harvey] Oh no! That's just Dave. [Takes another bite and fixes Charlie with a steely gaze] They're dead. All of them. Beaten badly and then had their throats cut. It was the most disgusting thing I've ever seen. [Somehow squashes the entire burger into his mouth]

10.02.031

Austin : [In a friendly manner] Oh, that is most unfortunate for them. Who or what did the beating and throat cutting?

10.02.032

Piers: I don't know, but Robert, the man of the house was tied to a chair with his eyelids cut off! It was disgusting.=20=

10.02.033

Charlie: And yet, it certainly seems to have given you an appetite, rather peculiarly!

10.02.034

Clint: [Kinda woodenly.] A man's got to eat what a man's got to eat.

10.02.035

Austin : Indeed Mr Scar. It can be amazing what people will eat when they are hungry. Those do look like rather tasty burgers though, do they not?

10.02.036

Clint: Oh yeah. Particularly if they come with bacon. And not from an eyelid or something.

10.02.037

Harvey: [Incredulous] An eyelid?!? Don't be absurd, Private Scar! A rasher of bacon would clearly come from the buttocks, what?


;;; Obviously, that's much better, right?

10.02.038

Clint: Oh, right. Eyelids are for hot dogs!


;;; Yeah, in my country, bacon comes from the belly and is about 50% fat.

;;; It's marvelous!

10.02.039

Sebastian: Who in the realms is Dave? And why were you covered in the Johansons' blood?


;;; I'm assuming "who in the realms" is how "who on earth" is said here?

10.02.040

Piers: Dave was my bull. Pulled me from a burning barn once, he did.

Lisa: And saved me from drowning!

Piers: Best bull ever. [Takes another bite] I was simply looking for something to eat in their house, when I slipped in the blood.


;;; It is now!

10.02.041

Sebastian: If he was that good why did you kill him?

10.02.042

Charlie: Perhaps he didn't! [To Piers] Did you?

10.02.043

Piers: Of course not! A bull that heroic, well, you'd never eat him all at once!

10.02.044

Austin : [Looks concerned] Do you meany you are eating a little of him at a time, but he his dead, or do you mean that you are eating a little bit of him at a time, and that he is still alive?

10.02.045

Sebastian: That is a good point Austin, he did make it sound like he is eating the poor animal alive a piece at a time. How barbaric!

10.02.045

Harvey: And how much of him are you eating at once, eh?


;;; Just had an image of the bull hopping around because Piers has

eaten two of his legs.

10.02.046

Piers: Of course he's alive! You'd be amazed at how well he can get around with three wooden legs.

Alice: Oh for God's sake! You people are crazy! What about the Johnsons? Doesn't anybody care about the Johnsons?

Dur: Who the hell are the Johnsons?


;;; The family Piers was talking about were the Johansons.

10.02.047

Sebastian: Yeah who are the Johnsons Alice? We've been talking about the Johansons, did you find another family that are dead while we were all distracted?

10.02.048

Harvey: [Totally confused] Alice?!? Who the heck is Alice?!?


;;; Sorry, couldn't resist!

10.02.049

Charlie: [To Harvey] Pull yourself together, Colonel! [To Piers] Do take us to the Johanson's at once!

10.02.049

Alice: Oh my God! Alice Johnson? Remember? She lived three doors down from us and had that cushion that she thought was a pet cat? [To Sebastian] Yeesh, Dave. Keep up!

10.02.050

Piers: Certainly! [Leaps up, with the tiny red towel that was covering his manhood falling to the floor] To the Johanson's!


;;; End of scene, next one coming right up!

10.03.001

[Book VIII, Act X, Scene III. The Johanson House. ALICE, AUSTIN, CHARLIE, CLINT, DUR, HARVEY, SEBASTIAN and PIERS, still naked, are here, having just arrived. This doesn't appear to be a farm, rather just a relatively large house out in the country. PIERS has brought along what looks like a huge vat of super greasy cheeseburgers, that are dripping with grease. Anyone with any sort of good sense is revolted by even being near them.]

Dur: [Munching on his ninth burger] Is this one a farm?

Alice: [Biting into a burger, causing grease to spill all down her front] Doesn't look like it.

10.03.001


;;; Out for about 1.5 hours

10.03.002

Austin : [Moving upwind and out of splash range of the burger eaters and carriers] My my, all the vultures have come out to feed.

10.03.003

Harvey: Have they? [Looks around] Where? [Goes back to eating a burger] Oh well, as long as they don't try to steal my food, what?

10.03.004

Clint: [Munching on a burger cheerfully.] Yeah! But we might try using your food as bait so you can make vulture burgers later...

10.03.005

Harvey: Nonesense! A Troop is ineffective if its commander is poorly fed, what? We should use your food for the purpose, what?

10.03.006

Piers: Well said! [Opens the door]

[The scene is eerily familiar. Once again, a man is tied to a chair, a "H" carved into his forehead and his eyelids cut off. Several other people, most of them children, are lying around, beaten savagely and with their throats cut as before.]

Alice: [Looks at her burger] Urgh. Suddenly I don't feel very hungry any more.

10.03.007

Clint: [Carefully sets his burger aside.] Guys, we have to find out who's doing this and stop them!

10.03.007

Charlie: [Surveys the scene, distressed] How horrible! [To Piers] Does the "H" mean anything to you? Perhaps a local gang's signature?

10.03.008

Harvey: Indeed, but who could 'H' signify, eh?

10.03.009

Austin : "H" for Harvey? Perhaps it was that huge big red demon that we retreated from, tactically. Did anyone get his name?

10.03.010

Harvey: Gah! I'll not be mistaken for some murdering demon murderer, by the saints! At this rate I shall have to change my name - perhpas to Horatio or something like that, what?

10.03.011

Alice: Good idea, 'oratio. [To Austin] I think that was Algernon. [Looks around] Hm. I wonder. Why were the two houses either side of Piers attacked, but not him?

10.03.012

Austin : [To Alice] Algernon was the fly demon I think. Perhaps we should check the other two houses to make sure that they were not attacked.


;;;; awa hame

10.03.013

Charlie: Indeed, and surely someone has seen something, with all of the murderous hordes about!

10.03.014

Alice: What other two houses?

10.03.015

Charlie: [To Alice] I think he meant the ones on either side of Piers, but alas--they were attacked! [To Piers] Where is your closest neighbor, apart from the houses on either side of you?

10.03.016

Piers: Let's see. This is the nearest house, and then, on the other side, that you people came from, is the Murphy farm. After that, well, there's another farm about four miles from here, in the same direction we've just come from the Johanson house.

Alice: [Drawing this all out on a greasy napkin] So, it's Queens View, the Murphy house [to the party] where the first crime scene was, then Piers, then the Johansons, these guys, and then another farm, further on again?

Piers: Correct. [Looks at the room] What the hell happened here? It doesn't even look like it's been ransacked. [Looks curiously at a sideboard] Except....


;;; He's right, it's just like the first one. Lots of death and mayhem, butno

;;; obvious ransacking.

10.03.017

Austin : Hmm, good point [Does a double take at the sideboard, nervously] Except what? [Examines the sideboard]

10.03.018

Piers: I think that sideboard is in the wrong place, like it's a foot to the left of where it should be. I normally rest my burger on it, and it just seems out of reach now.

10.03.019

Austin : [Dons a pair of surgical gloves, with a snap] Let us have a look [Examines the sideboard and the wall behind it] Hmmm [Then takes a look inside the sideboard if he can]

10.03.020

Charlie: [Excited] Oooh, how thrilling! A clue! [Cranes her neck to see behind the sideboard as Austin works]

10.03.020

Piers: [Gives a startled jump on hearing the snap of Austin's gloves, followed by a strange smile] What do you see? [Leans the sideboard forward so Austin can see better.]

[There is a lot of blood behind there, that looks as thought something is written in it, but the sideboard needs to be moved to see it.]

10.03.021

Charlie: Oooh, there's something there! Colonel, could you help me move the sideboard? [Goes to pick up one side]

10.03.022

Austin : [Stands aside to let Harvey help Charlie] There is something written in blood!

10.03.022

Harvey: I shall assign one of my Troop to assist, what? Private Parker Kensington! Assist with the sideboard! [To Charlie] There, one of my men will be with you shortly, what?

10.03.023

[CLINT and DUR help CHARLIE pull the sideboard out. Written there in blood is "I didn't kill them, I only hurt them."]

10.03.024

Charlie: [Baffled] But they HAVE been killed! What could this mean? That someone hurt them, then came back later and found them all dead? That doesn't make sense.

10.03.025

Alice: They're not exactly drawing attention to the note either, are they? I wonder, was there something like this in the other one.

10.03.026

Charlie: Shall we go back and check? Hadn't we better keep moving, to try to stop more carnage?

10.03.027

Austin : A worrying new concept, "hurting" someone to death. That is pretty much covered by torture, don't you think. Sounds like the sort of excuse that a teenager would make. [Searchs around a little for any other clues. Smirks] Perhaps we should check the other houses for similar clues.

10.03.028

Clint: Sounds like something a demonic teenager would say, actually! We know any whose name starts with H?

10.03.029

Charlie: [Quickly] No! [More composed] I say we try to find this horde at once, and if we cannot, then return to examine the previous murder site.


;;; That's it for me today, and I'll be away until Thursday. Be nice

to Charlie!

10.03.030

Harvey: Well, then move out, Troop! I hope the neighbors have burgers as well, what?


;;; Aren't we always? [Grins evilly]

10.03.030

Austin : We have not established that it is a horde, and from that message one would guess that there are only one, or perhaps two perpetrators.

10.03.031

Alice: Maybe H is for horde? [Thinks] Or would that be a W?

Dur: Let's go back to the first house and see if there's something similar.

10.03.032

Clint: Good call, Doc. But no eating the bodies and messing up the scene!

10.03.033

Dur: [With a mouthful of something] Of course not!

[The party get back on the carriage and start heading back towards the first house.]

Charlie: This is most fascinating! I wonder, what is the connection between the two victim families?

10.03.034

Austin : Well, they were tortured, either for information, fun or to even the scales. Perhaps all of those reasons. So perhaps the victims may have been privy to the same or similar information?

10.03.034

Clint: They live near Piers, obviously!

10.03.035

[Everyone gives PIERS a suspicious look. PIERS, however, is too busy wiping some melted cheese off his crotch to notice.]

Alice: He doesn't seem the type to have done it, though, does he?

Charlie: [Nods at Austin's words] Yes, they must have something in common, as a simple horde would probably have killed Piers and his lovely, if somewhat overdressed, wife, too.

10.03.036

Sebastian: [Finally breaks his silence] I only know one demonic child and her name starts with W not H. Hurt to death and torture are not the same thing as torture does not always result in death, where as hurt to death does. I suppose you could say they might be related, but then to hurt to death all you have to do is inflict enough pain on the person to send them in to shock so that their body shuts down instantly and they die. Now, as for the H and demons, what about Hoff Hassel? He was big, red, and horny.


;;; He does of course mean the horns on his head

10.03.037

Charlie: Oh, do stop being tiresome, Sebastian. Why on earth would you suggest that the guilty party is a half demon child when just a few short hours ago we saw that the Realms was near over run with demons?

10.03.038

Austin : Probably because none of those demons are likely to feel the need to justify their actions and leave explanatory text written in blood, behind the sideboard. We are dealing with a demon, or demons, with parental or parenting issues.

10.03.039

Sebastian: [To Charlie] What? I never said I think it was a half demon child, it was the others. I was just saying the only one we know, her names starts with a W not an H so it can't be her. I am suggesting it was Hoff Hassel, the big red demon with horns of the three we encountered back in Harma HQ. Remember now? Algemon, Smelmo, and Hoff. Do pay attention Charlie, you are supposed to be intelligent after all.

10.03.040

Harvey: Privates, you will stand to attention this instant, what? We have a demon invasion - *another* demon invasion - to deal with so we simply cannot be at each others' throats. Now get in line or I'll have you both in the stockade! A plan slightly hampered by the fact that we don't *have* a stockade, but those sorts of details can be worked out later, what?

10.03.041

Charlie: Ah, my mistake, Sebastian. So you were simply noting all the demons that we have encountered, rather than starting with the ones most likely to have done it. It seems needlessly time wasting, but that doesn't surprise me.


;;; Am I missing a post? I do think Seb was the only one

;;; to talk about demon children

[The party arrive at the first house. All the refugees are gathered around outside it.]

Alice: What the hell is going on here?

10.03.042

Sebastian: Well to be fair Charlie, I'm not a demon expert like you are, so I can only go from what I know from the ones I have met, and the odd one I have read about. Hoff just happens to be the only demon I know of whose name starts with H.

10.03.043

Austin : [To Seb] I believe Alice was talking about the refugees. [To the refugees] What is going on here? Is something happening inside the house? What are you all standing around for?

10.03.044

Sebastian: [To Austin] What? I was talking to Charlie not Alice or anyone else. Is no one paying attention to what I actually say today? [Grumbles] There's a conspiracy against me I'm sure.

10.03.045

Alice: [Confused] What elephant? What are you talking about, Seb?

[AUSTIN addresses BENJAMIN SPRATT, one of the refugees.]

Benjamin: It's Crystal! She won't let us in until the place is cleaned up!

10.03.046

Austin : Well that is most kind of her to volunteer to tidy the place up, don't you think? [To the party] Why don't we go and see how she is getting on? [Tries to get into the house]

10.03.047

Benjamin: Be careful! She's very scary!

[AUSTIN opens the door and the party look in. CRYSTAL is on her hands and knees scrubbing the place clean.]

Crystal: What the hell do you want? My people are starving! What have you brought them?

[The party turn and look at PIERS, who's eating yet another enormous burger.]

10.03.048

Sebastian: [To Crystal] We brought them Dave, well part of him anyway.

10.03.049

Austin : [Explaining to Crystal] He means beef burgers, with cheese and ketchup. Lots of them.

10.03.050

Crystal: You people disgust me! How can you think of food at a time like this?

10.03.051

Harvey: [Looks at the burger hungrily] Quite easily, my dear, what?

10.03.051

Austin : [To Crystal] The need for sustenance is borne out of necessity, not ethics nor morals. These refugees need to eat or they will starve, and the tragedy will be even greater.

10.03.052

Crystal: I've been trying to clean up this awful scene, and I've come to a shocking conclusion.... this was no accident!

10.03.053

Sebastian: [To Crystal] You just asked us what supplies we brought, but complain that we brought food? [To the party] That girl really needs to sort her priorities out. [To Crystal again] We know it wasn't an accident. Did you find anything written in blood by any chance?

10.03.054

Crystal: [Shocked into silence for a tragically short amount of time, before calling to the refugees] It's him! He's the killer!

10.03.055

Sebastian: [Alarmed] NO! That wasn't what I meant! We found another house where the same thing happened here as there! Only we found writing on the wall in blood, so we came back here to see if there was any here too that we missed last time! [Waving his arms and hands frantically the whole time]

10.03.056

Clint: Look, lady, you can't find a safe place to leave behind a bunch of really annoying refugees without having to skimp a little on standards! So a bunch of people were slaughtered terribly here. At least it's a roof over your heads!

10.03.056

Harvey: [Shocked] Private, did you eliminate some civilians without proper authorization from your commanding officer?

10.03.057

Sebastian: [To Harvey] What? I mean no sir, absolutely not sir!


;;; Couldn't resist

10.03.058

Crystal: So you were acting under orders? Oh. My. God. This just gets worse and worse!

Alice: Not for the people who are dead.

10.03.058

Harvey: [Surprised] Really? Odd, I don't remember giving authorization for such a thing. But as long as I gave it, that's alright. [To Crystal, soothingly] There, you see, my dear? Any brutal murdering was done with all the proper authorizations, so everything's just peachy, what?


;;; Me either!

10.03.059

Sebastian: [Looking between the three of them in total disbelief] I didn't kill the Murphy's! Under orders or otherwise!


;;; Git! :P

10.03.060

Austin : [To Crystal] I would like to make it quite clear, that despite my colleagues confusion, we had nothing to do with these murders. We are here to investigate the crimes and track down the perpetrators, and hopefully bring them to justice!


;;;;awa hame

10.03.061

Crystal: But how else would he know that they were the Murphys? Everyone knows that means that he is the murderer.

Charlie: Ah, but you also appear to know that they were the Murphys, don't you?

Crystal: So?

10.03.062

Clint: Soooo you murdered them? You don't spell your name with an H by any chance?

10.03.063

Alice: Well, do you, Hhhhcrystal?

Crystal: [Covers her face] Yes! Yes, I did it! I'd do it again, I tell you!

10.03.064

Harvey: [Sternly] And did *you* get authorization from your commanding officer?

10.03.065

Sebastian: Wow, we solved that quick. Spitroast or barbecue then for her method of punishment? [Holds his sword in one hand, flexing his hand and holding it out like he would when casting burning hands]


;;; Thanks John, I so heard Stephen Lynch in my head there from The

Superhero Song - "Sir, are "you" premature ejaculator man?"

;;; Is this still the same day as when we were in Harma HQ?

10.03.066

Crystal: Kill me if you want, but there will be a thousand more to take my place. Sure, they won't be as attractive or articulate, and almost certainly won't have the same sort of sock collection as me, but they'll be there, oh yes, they'll be there!

Charlie: Clearly, this woman is an idiot. Let's see what she has found.

[The party quickly see that a large piece of furniture has been moved, and that behind it, in blood, is written the same message "I didn't kill them, I only hurt them."]


;;; Yes!

10.03.067

Sebastian: [To Crystal after seeing message] Why did you kill the Murphy's? And who was it who only hurt them? Did you kill anyone else?


;;; Damn, that means his threat of Burnings Hands is just a bluff

10.03.068

Austin : Perhaps she merely put them out of their misery. [Lights a cigarette in a ridiculously long holder, and blows a few smoke rings, offering a cigarette to Alice]

10.03.069

Sebastian: [Does a double take at Austin] In all the time I've been with you guys, I've never seen you smoke once.

10.03.070

Austin : [Blowing two more smoke rings] I have been cutting back.

10.03.071

Alice: Just the seventy a day, then, Aus? [Declines the cigarette] I prefer cheese. [To Sebastian] She didn't kill them -- she was with us when it happened! This surely has to be the same bad guy or guys who killed the other people, right?

10.03.072

Sebastian: [To Alice] We don't know when it happened, so you can't say she was with us when it happened. Why would she lie about it being her if it wasn't her?

10.03.072

Austin : I would be surprised if their identical modus operandi had arisen simultaneously. The I in the graffiti suggests one delivering the hurt, but the bodies suggest another doing the killing.

10.03.073

Alice: [To Sebastian] Because she's crazy? She was in Queens View, and it took us hours to get here from there, plus, the other place where the murders happened is further away, and yes, we don't know exactly when it happened, but it's not like it was weeks ago, is it?

Charlie: [To Austin] Interesting theory! So, perhaps some sort of pain sacrifice? The fact that most of the bodies were not tied down certainly reinforces the theory that there were more than one.

10.03.074

Last from me -- this one is from John

Harvey: I say, could there be more than one person? Perhaps one who writes the graffiti while the other does the killing, what?


;;; Soooo... We wondered into an episode of Criminal Minds?

10.03.075

Alice: I bet Deucie can help! He stayed here, remember? I bet he's been investigating, and has a big envelope full of clues. Maybe with a spooky looking question mark on the front!


;;; Who knows what the hell we've wandered into!!

10.03.076

Sebastian: He has?


;;; Just wait for it, I sense Pulp Fiction and/or Monty Python scenes

coming up soon. What?

10.03.077

Alice: Does he? [Big smile] Cool! Where is he?

10.03.078

Sebastian: [To Alice] What? No! I was asking if he had stayed here before. I have no idea, must have been before I met you guys.

10.03.079

Alice: It was only a few hours ago!

Charlie: I think I understand the confusion. Alice merely meant that Deuce stayed here when we passed through, not that he had stayed here in at some indeterminate time in the past. [To Crystal, who is on her knees sobbing] The gentleman who was with us earlier, who smelled rather like ham, where is he now?

Crystal: I don't know, probably dead.

10.03.080

Sebastian: [To Charlie] Oh! Thanks for clearing that up for me Charlie


;;; That's my 3

10.03.081

Clint: [To Crystal.] Oh, stop crying. Way to [pauses and whips out a pair of ridiculous sunglasses] ham it up.

10.03.082

Alice: Wait a minute. What do you mean by he's probably dead?

Crystal: After those men took him away!

10.03.083

Harvey: By the saints, what men?

10.03.084

Sebastian: By the realms! Why are you only mentioning this now?

10.03.085

Clint: It's a little late to [whips the sunglasses back off.] A*men*d your statement!


;;; Okay, done now!

10.03.085

Crystal: Because you've only just asked about him!

Alice: Oh for God's sake! What did these men look like?

Crystal: Normal men, I guess. You know, oppressive, woman hating types with an oppressive sense of entitlement. Oh, and they all wore yellow ties.

10.03.086

Sebastian: Great, YTG's. Why am I not surprised one bit?

10.03.087

Alice: But why would they take Deucie? I mean, I know he's adorable and all, but up until now, they've only been taking babies!

10.03.088

Sebastian: Maybe who knows something they need to know, or want him to find something for them. Either way, I think we should go rescue him. I wonder if it's the YTG's are behind the Murphy's and Johanson's deaths.

10.03.088

Austin : Well, as long as they have plenty of spare ham, he'd make quite an amiable hostage.

10.03.089

Harvey: Nonsense! The first duty of a prisoner of war is to escape, what? [Thinks for a moment] Perhaps we can steal all the ham, thus removing their method of keeping him under control, eh?

10.03.090

Charlie: [To Harvey, urgently] Colonel, Deuce can be kept under control with only a small riding crop! We must rescue him at once, or he shall surely suffer terribly!

10.03.091

Austin : [Curious] What size of riding crop does Pestilence require for full control?

10.03.092

Sebastian: [To Austin] Why? For future reference? Do you all have a thing for Charlie's discarded lovers? [Chuckling] First Alice with Deucie, now Austin hoping for Pestilence. It's like a Queen's View Love Affair, or something...


;;; Sorry, had to do that one!

10.03.093

Charlie: [Highly amused] Indeed! [To the party] Now, we really must try to find poor, hapless Deuce before he irretrievably becomes a pawn in the YTGs as-yet inexplicable game!

10.03.094

Alice: Hey! Deuce was the discarder, Charlie was the discardee!

10.03.095

Austin : [Casually to Seb] No thanks, he's not my type. [Looks around] Well, the YTG's are from another dimension, perhaps if we can find the Fatebook it will tell us more about how to defeat them.

10.03.096

Alice: Maybe, because if they really are behind everything, they've definitely changed things around. Although, didn't your girlfriend say that it just talked about people on the Path?

10.03.097

Austin : Yes she did, but as we are on the Path and have interacted with the YTGs there may be something useful in the book.

10.03.098

Charlie: Why would the YTGs kill and torture these people? Something about The Mother? Are they making a sacrifice to her, perhaps?

10.03.098

Alice: Why? Do you think it'll talk about the YTGs?

10.03.099

Sebastian: But is the message on the wall their style?

10.03.100

Alice: Not really. Normally they're more smash and grab. If it was them, then there has to be something that the two victims had in common.

10.03.101

Sebastian: I agree, but the question is what?

10.03.102

Piers: [Eating yet another burger] Well, they both worked for HARMA.

10.03.103

Clint: Hey, score one for the yellow tie guys!

10.03.104

Sebastian: Not really because we don't know it was them for certain, we just assume it was them because of Deuce. I mean, the writing on the wall, the H carved in to the foreheads, the cut off eyelids. That is so not the YTG's, or at least what I have learned about them from you guys so far.

10.03.105

Austin : That certainly makes sense. The YTGs may well have Deuce, but why would they leave graffiti behind sideboards, that must have been someone else. Someone more demonic.


;;;;awa hame

10.03.106

Clint: Oh, sure, make this harder, why don't you! Maybe the yellow tie guys are friendly with a demon who would do something like this?

10.03.107

Alice: But how do we find them? We need to get them before we can find Deucie!

10.03.108

Harvey: Really? Oh, blast, what? Hmm, oh well, Deuce will just have to get along without us. [To Piers] I say, are there any more of those burgers?

10.03.108

Charlie: [Perplexed] Why would the invading demons have anything against HARMA? [Ponders] Unless perhaps they view them as our leaders and think that, by eliminating them, they will be better able to control us?

10.03.109

Sebastian: Hang on a second. I didn't kill them, I only hurt them. Is it just me or does that sound like something Pestilence would say to Charlie?

10.03.109

Clint: Why wouldn't the invading demons have something against HARMA? Just because they're invading demons doesn't mean they're *all* bad, right?

10.03.110

Charlie: [To Sebastian, defensively] But they WERE killed. He doesn't kill.

10.03.111

Alice: We're losing sight of the real goal here! Forget about Pestilence and Charlie and all her [waves her hands around vaguely] crazy rules and his weird excuses, the YTGs have got Deuce! How do we find them? [Dramatically] How?

10.03.112

Sebastian: [To Charlie] I'm not saying he did kill them, but if he was here, someone else would have been here with him. I know you don't want to think that of him Charlie, but it would be worthwhile talking to him, if for no other reason that to rule him out of the equation if he is innocent. [To Alice] Well, we could ask the others which direction the YTG's were heading in with Deuce.

10.03.113

Charlie: [Quickly] Yes, let us follow the YTG lead. If it turns out that they are not involved, then at least we can free Deuce. As for [vaguely] the other bit, I will NOT insult my husband by suggesting he might be involved in something so reprehensible.

10.03.114

Clint: That's okay, Chuck, the rest of us can insult him for you! Anyway, I say we just get a dog to follow the scent of ham. Should lead us right to 'em.

10.03.115

Harvey: Indeed - he'd probably only lie about it, what?


;;; Out tomorrow and Monday!

10.03.116

Charlie: [Glares at Clint and Harvey. Through clenched teeth] As I said, let us pursue the YTG lead. At once.

10.03.117

Alice: Great idea, Charlie! [Heads to the door, but stops] Uh, where will we go?

10.03.118

Austin : [To Crystal] Which direction did they take Deuce?

10.03.119

Crystal: They just disappeared into some sort of swirling vortex!

10.03.120

Austin : [To the party] Since we don't have any way of opening a swirling vortex to the YTG dimension, I suggest that we try to get the Fatebook. The information it contains may give us many new avenues to investigate. [Casually checks his nails] Unless anyone has a better idea?

10.03.121

Alice: Yeesh! Why are you so obsessed with the Fatebook? Is it to see if you're in it? Or to meet up with your girlfriend again? Why don't we try to figure out who the next victim is likely to be and go there?

10.03.121

Charlie: But we don't even know where the Fatebook is, do we? Perhaps we could try to locate other HARMA people living nearby, given the connection between the two murdered families?

10.03.122

Sebastian: We could always ask Piers of other HARMA people in the area.

10.03.123

Piers: That's a great idea!

10.03.124

Charlie: [To Piers] So, can you tell us where there are HARMA people living nearby?!

10.03.125

Piers: Sure thing. There are at least two nearby. There's Barry Goodbar and Walter Snivell. Barry's the closest, he's back beyond the Murphy house, and then Walter.

10.03.126

Charlie: [Cheerily] Thank you! [To the party, in a lower voice] Let us go see is Barry is still alive!


;;; That's all for me this week. Have fun!

10.03.127


;;; John is also out

Harvey: And perhaps have some of those delicious burgers too!

[Exit the party.]


;;; End of scene. Next one coming up on THURSDAY.

10.04.001

[Book VIII, Act X, Scene IV. Another House in the country. ALICE, AUSTIN, CHARLIE, CLINT, DUR, HARVEY, SEBASTIAN and PIERS are here, approaching at speed. There are lights on and everything looks normal.]

Alice: I'm getting a bad feeling about this. A real bad feeling. A really, really bad feeling. Why are the YTGs suddenly behaving so differently? You know, stealing babies is one thing, but torturing people to death, not to mention kidnapping my finance, well, that's something different.

Piers: Kidnapping your what?

Alice: My finance.

Piers: I think you mean fiance.

Alice: No, that's when it's a woman, when it's a man, it's a finance.

Piers: No, it isn't.

Alice: Look, you know the saying "Let sleeping dogs fall where they may?" That's where that comes from.

Piers: That's not where it comes from, and that's not even the saying!

10.04.002

Austin : [To Piers] I expect she is very high maintenance, hence 'finance'.


;;; out most of the day

10.04.003


;;; John's out today too!

Harvey: Plus, all those hams must cost the man a fortune, a fortune, I say!

10.04.004

Charlie: Yes, well, what HAS gotten into the YTGs? Their interest in Deuce is quite extraordinary. What purpose could he be serving? Do they have an archeological find they wish to be analyzed? A ham surplus to be disposed?

10.04.005

Sebastian: I suppose all we can do is find them and ask. Hey, I wonder if there'll be anything to eat when we get to that house.

10.04.006

Dur: There is ALWAYS something to eat if your standards are low enough!

10.04.007

Piers: Not here, Barry never has anything. [Munches on his burger] And I'm starving!

[The party get to the door.]

10.04.008

Charlie: [Knocks on the door] Hellooo? Is anyone there?

10.04.009

[The door swings open. There stands BARRY GOODBAR, the man who killed CHARLIE, although he claimed it was an accident. He is holding a sword.]

Barry: What is it? [Looks at the party and screams, slamming the door]

Piers: Friend of yours?

10.04.010

Sebastian: Oh, him. Why don't we save the YTG's a job and kill that one ourselves?

10.04.011

Dur: Perhaps we should start with just getting inside the house? [Yelling] Open up in there!=

10.04.012

Charlie: Indeed! We are trying to save you, you silly man!

10.04.013

Barry: No! There's no one here, just, er, the dog. Bark! Bark!

Alice: Oh no! I hate dogs!

10.04.014

Dur: [Glaring at Piers] I thought you said he didn't have any food!

10.04.015

Sebastian: [To Barry] I didn't know dogs could talk! And that was a cat noise! [Chuckles quietly then whispers to the party] that should confuse him


;;; that's it from me for today. see you all tomorrow.

10.04.016

Alice: [Confused] Confuse who?

Piers: [Surprised] I'm sorry, I suppose he must have some dog food. However, we've established that he's safe, so why don't we get out of here and go home. It'll soon be my turn to wear the wedding dress.

Harvey: [Annoyed] Let's beat the bastard up. I don't like people killing members of the troop, no sir, not one little bit!

10.04.017

Clint: Works for me Harv. [Flexes his door-kicking foot eagerly.] You want me to kick the door in?

10.04.018

Charlie: [To Clint] Yes! This man clearly has something to hide, so might be involved in the other killings.

10.04.018

Harvey: You're good for nothing else, Private, so yes, for Phili's sake, kick it in!

10.04.019

Clint: [Muttering.] See if I support you next time the troops mutiny! [Applies boot to door, vigorously.]

10.04.020

[The door is smashed open, and BARRY is in the house, pushed as far back as he can into the corner.]

Barry: No! Please! Don't kill my family!

10.04.021

Clint: Don't worry, I'm not going to. [Nods towards Charlie.] Can't say anything about her, though!

10.04.021

Charlie: So, you know about the attacks? Who is attacking HARMA people?

10.04.022

Barry: I don't know! But please! Please don't hurt me! I keep thinking that I'll be next!

10.04.023

Austin : [Sinisterly] We can put an end to that thought for you, if you would like?

10.04.024

Harvey: How would we do that, Private? Promise to brutally murder someone else first, maybe?

10.04.025

Austin : [Suprised] Why! Certainly not, Colonel. I advocate the direct approach!

10.04.026

Barry: Gosh, that would be great, if you could brutally murder whoever's doing this. There are a number of HARMA officers living nearby, and several have been attacked, but some living next door to victims were left unharmed.

10.04.027

Austin : [Frowns] Not me colonel, we can order one of the troop to doo it [Gestures to Dur] The HARMA that are still living are clearly conspirators.

10.04.028

Charlie: [To Barry] Have you been able to ascertain any similarities in the victims, or have you chiefly been hiding like a sniveling coward?

10.04.029

Sebastian: A similarity other than you all work for HARMA.

10.04.030

Barry: Mainly been hiding like a sniveling coward, but [defensively] I have been sobbing like a little girl, too! My friend, Anton, who's another HARMA officer is here too. We're trying to find out what it is the victims have in common.

Alice: Where's Anton?

Barry: Hiding under that blanket. [Points at what is clearly a man with a blanket over his head] Pretty fiendishly clever hiding spot, wouldn't you say?

10.04.031

Charlie: [Looks at Anton, unimpressed] I grow increasingly sympathetic toward the HARMA-hating demon horde!

10.04.032

Barry: Hey! You better be careful! With all the deaths, we're bound to get promotions very soon!

10.04.033

Harvey: So you'll have a slightly more expensive desk to cower under, eh? Good man! Now, tell us about those neighbours who weren't attacked. Are they HARMA as well? And, more importantly, do that have food?

10.04.033

Austin : That is untrue. The HARMA are more likely to hire new staff with the necessary qualifications, to replace the recently deceased senior levels. Qualifications like being "Nunpar's best buddy", etc.

10.04.034

Barry: [To Harvey] No, none of them were HARMA. [Defensively to Austin] No! That's not true! Not true!

Alice: Why not?

Barry: [Thinks for a moment] It's just not!

Alice: [Dryly to Austin] I think he's got you there.

10.04.035

Austin : [Dryly to Alice] I might have to back down.

10.04.036

Barry: [Triumphantly] Hah!

10.04.037

Austin : Good luck with your promotion. Your ingenious management skills will be a great asset to the HARMA, no doubt. You could suggest that all HARMA carry blankets at all times, in case they need to hide from demonic invasions.

10.04.038

Charlie: [Amused] Indeed, Mr. Sleaze! [To Barry] Now, we really must go make sure there have been no further attacks. Clearly the current power structure is not equipped to deal with emergencies of this nature!

10.04.039

Dur: Maybe someone is killing off senior HARMA leadership so they can get apromotion? [To Barry] Of the HARMA victims, how many held positions of powe= r?

10.04.040

Charlie: An excellent point, Dur! [To Barry] Show us an organizational flowchart of HARMA at once!

10.04.041

Clint: I dunno, Chuck, that might be too complicated for him...

10.04.042

Austin : Give him a chance!

10.04.043

Clint: Oh, fine. [To Barry.] Look, we're giving you a chance. Don't mess it up!

10.04.044

Sebastian: [To Barry] And it's the only chance you'll get. Mess it up and you well get what's coming to you for killing Charlie.

10.04.045

Barry: [Terrified] S-sure! [Draws out the chart on a piece of paper, hands shaking]

[BARRY hands the chart to the party. It consists of "Joe" and an arrow pointing to "Everyone else".]

Barry: I drew in a smiley face too, to make you less likely to want to kill us.

10.04.046

Harvey: Gah! I hate those smiley face things, what?!?

10.04.047

Austin : People have gone to war over less.

10.04.048

Sebastian: [Looks at the diagram] I'm starting to get the feeling that HARMA only employ stupid, idiotic, uneducated people, as a matter of policy.

10.04.049

Barry: [Hastily scribbling out the smiley face] That's not fair -- lots of us have got awards for bravery and things.


;;; The party accidentally interrupted one of their awards ceremonies.

This is where they met Barrry,

;;; where they were tricked into stealing the potion by Louis and

where Barry (allegedly) accidentally

;;; killed Charlie

10.04.050

Charlie: [Infuriated] Oh, yes, [finger quoting like mad] Most Creative Use of Cruelty Toward Aged Persons, Most Inspired Use of a Blunt Weapon against Disabled Persons, etc. It's no wonder you are being targeted, after all of the pain you've caused! Perhaps there is merely a vigilante group of enraged citizens seeking some sort of crude justice, and not a demon horde at all!

10.04.051

Sebastian: Don't forget the award of Killing The Wife Of A Demon Then Claiming It Was An Accident. That would be you Charlie dear. And we recall all too well your awards and stuff Barry. We were there remember? That's where you hit an already heavily wounded Charlie here over the head and killed her with one blow [is getting more and more angry]

10.04.051

Austin : Ouch! [To Charlie, caring] Does someone need a hug?

10.04.052

Charlie: [To Austin, with a smile] Not just now, but perhaps another time! [Dramatically] For now we must go try to protect HARMA scum from the toxic and destructive environment they have created in the realms themselves!

10.04.053

Barry: But I didn't mean to kill her! I only meant to hurt her!

10.04.054

Harvey: Aha! [To the party] That sounds similar to the message in blood, what?

10.04.055

Sebastian: Indeed Colonel. I think we just found our killer! [To Barry] I didn't kill them, I only hurt them, that message was left on the walls of the homes of the Murphy and Johanson families. I'd say you are conspiring against your own people. But why?

10.04.056

Barry: What? Me? No way! [Grabs a blanket and puts it over his head]

10.04.057

Sebastian: [Casts Ghost Sound on Barry]


;;; Already emailed Conor with description

10.04.058

Charlie: [To Barry] Then why is it you knew precisely what the killers wrote after committing the murders?!

10.04.059

Barry: I don't know! I didn't even know that something was written!

[A number of ghostly voices sound.]

Voice1: Baaaarrrrrrry... why did you kill us?

Voice2: Whyyyyyy....telllll them the truuuuth...

Voice3: Youuuuu wrooooote the messssage!

Barry: [Crouching in a corner] I didn't do it! I swear! I didn't even know the Murphys were dead! I was over in Jacob's house all day, pretending that we're friends! You can ask him!

10.04.060

Austin : [Suspicious] Where are those voices coming from? [Searches around, under blankets, in boxes and cupboards etc]

10.04.061

Sebastian: Who is Jacob? And if you didn't know about the Murphy's, how did you know about the Johanson's?

10.04.062

Dur: I think he's the chap under the blanket! Perhaps HE is our killer?

10.04.063

Barry: You just told me about the Murphys! Are the Johansons dead too? There have been a bunch of killings!

10.04.064

Charlie: It's been a HARMA bloodbath! Now, get a hold of yourself and help us alert your colleagues before there are more killings!

10.04.065

Sebastian: [Pulls the blanket off Barry] If you didn't now about either family, then why did you think we were here to hurt you and yours?

10.04.066

Clint: Probably because he's met us!

10.04.067

Barry: Because it's like she said -- loads of HARMA people have been killed!

10.04.068

Clint: Well, we didn't do it. [Pauses.] I'm not used to saying that.

10.04.069

Barry: Please find out who did it! This is so terrifying, sometimes I wish they'd just kill me!

10.04.070

Harvey: Well, we aim to please, what?

10.04.071

Charlie: [To Barry] Good luck with your cringing cowardice! [To the party] Hurry, let us go find the next HARMA household, before it's too late!

10.04.072

Clint: Where we're going to... save them? So we're all on the same page here.

10.04.073

Charlie: [Sighs] To save them, I suppose. There were presumably innocent children and spouses killed as well, after all. [Gives a disgusted look at Barry] One cannot help the family one is born into!

10.04.074

Alice: However, when one is born into a good family, then, of course, it only makes sense to take credit for that!

[Exit the party.]

10.05.001

[Book VIII, Act X, Scene V. Outside Jacob's House. ALICE, AUSTIN, CHARLIE, CLINT, DUR, HARVEY, SEBASTIAN and PIERS are here, having just arrived, directed by PIERS.]

Piers: I'm getting a bad feeling about this place. A real, real bad feeling.

Alice: What is it? All the screaming?

Piers: That could be it.

[There is a lot of screaming and wailing from inside the house.]

10.05.002

Clint: Haw! Time for Clint to do what he does best! [Heads straight for the door.]

10.05.003

Harvey: This being drawing the enemy's attention while the rest of us run for our li- um, make a tactical withdrawal, what?

10.05.004

Austin : [Disgusted] I think it is a little early for that colonel, we have not yet established whether or not we are in any danger. The sounds could be coming from a gramophone device.

10.05.005

Harvey: Private, do remind me - of all the times we've heard horrific screams coming from a house when there's a rampaging murderer on the loose, how many of those times have those sounds been from a gramophone?

10.05.006

Austin : Well, it could be an S and M party or even Pestilence and Will torturing someone to death, either way there may be no threat to us. We can at least let Mr Scar open the door.

10.05.007

Charlie: [Snaps at Austin] Pestilence does not kill, and Will is just a child! [Calmer] And there are at least occasional cries of pleasure at an [finger quotes] S and M party, not merely screaming. [Hurriedly] Logically, given that the pain is something the participants desire, as opposed to ordinary torture.

10.05.007

Alice: Oh come on, Aus, it seems highly unlikely that it's Pestilence and Will torturing someone.

[CLINT smashes the door open to reveal a grisly scene, which is very similar to the early ones. A man, with his eyelids cut off, sits tied to a chair, screaming, while there are a number of bodies around, severely beaten and with their throats cut. STINKIN' LINCOLN is here, holding a woman, as is PAUL "PINKY" PINKMAN. In the middle of the room, beating a child severely, is PESTILENCE. He looks up as the door gets smashed in.]

Pestilence: [Smiles] Hey guys! Joining in?

10.05.008

Alice: [Looks at Charlie] Uh, but on the other hand... [lamely] I'm sure there's an explanation for this.

10.05.009

Charlie: [Gapes at the scene, then shrieks at Pestilence] Stop that AT ONCE!

10.05.010

Harvey: [To Alice, reasonably] Indeed, my dear, there *is* a perfectly rational explanation - Pestilence is a demon, what?

10.05.011

Sebastian: Told you it sounded a lot like Pestilence, what was said on the walls. Making it clear to Charlie he hadn't killed. [To Charlie] I think you need to update that promise you had him make from no killing to causing no harm to others. Even if it is HARMA and their families.

10.05.012

Harvey: Perhaps. [Thinks] Hmm, maybe we should also state that he cannot, through inaction, allow humans to come to harm? Blast! If only there were, say, three simple laws we could inject into his very being, what?

10.05.013

Charlie: [Anxiously] Yes, we MUST clarify the rules further. I know I can make you understand. . . . [Falters. To Pestilence, anguished] But, darling, how could you possibly think battering a child. . . ?!

10.05.014

Austin : [Optimistically] Perhaps the child is, in fact, a demon, thousands of years old?

10.05.015

Harvey: Well, yes, Private, I suppose that is a possibility - but is it any more appropriate for Pestilence to go around beating the elderley?

10.05.016

Pestilence: [Still holding the child by the throat] Nope, I think he's just a normal kid. [To the kid] Are you a demon, thousands of years old?

Kid: [Crying] No!

Pestilence: [Shakes his head] Nope. [Nods at Sebastian] And like Mac said, I'm not killing anyone, I'm just hurting them.

Stinkin: [Cheerfully] I'm the one who kills them!

10.05.017

Charlie: [Nervously] Right, now, let me think. [To Pestilence] No hurting children--ever! No hurting the elderly--ever! And you cannot deliberately contribute to the deaths of others. Even though you did not strike the fatal blow, you are responsible for these deaths. [Urgently] You understand, don't you, darling?! Can you see now what you did was wrong?

10.05.018

Dur: [Nervously] Errrr.... What are you even doing Petsy? Why have you beentorturing these people?=

10.05.019

Last form Kevin #18

Pestilence: To punish them, of course! They're all HARMA idiots who were there the night Charlie was killed. [To Charlie] Okay, this is getting very complicated, let me get Gaul on this. [Takes out an orb and throws it on the ground. There's a puff of smoke, but nothing happens]


;;; Heather's out for a bit

Charlie: Gaul? You've got a lawyer?

Pestilence: Yeah, with all these rules, it makes sense.


;;; He's referring to

<P><a href=http://www.queens-view.com/wiki/index.php/Gaul_Soodman>Gaul Soodman</A>


;;; He was Pestilence's high profile and charismatic lawyer during the

divorce hearings.

;;; When last seen, Pestilence stabbed him through the throat, so it's

something of a surprise

;;; that he's still alive.

10.05.020

Charlie: Well, I suppose that is rather sensible of you, given the number of amendments I've had to add. [Delicately] But isn't Gaul dead?

10.05.021

Pestilence: Nah, he's unkillable without magic weapons.

[Enter GAUL SOODMAN, holding a suit in a dry cleaning bag and wearing nothing but a tiny leather thong and studded dog collar with leash.]

Gaul: Sorry to keep everyone waiting! I was indisposed! What can I do for you?

10.05.022

Charlie: [Winces at the sight of Gaul] Mr. Soodman, we need to make some clarifications to Pestilence's Rules of Conduct. [Gestures to the carnage in the room] As you can see, there are some loopholes that must be closed at once.

10.05.023

Austin : [Ponders] Hmm, tricky loop holes to close [Surveys the scene] This could take a while.


;;; awa hame

10.05.024

Gaul: Loopholes, eh? A lawyer's best friend! [To the party] I take it that you'll be partly representing the party of the second part for this part of the contract negotiations? Now, let's see, what are we looking at here?

Pestilence: She says that there should be no killing of children or old people.

Gaul: Hm, what if the child and/or old person in question is in the process or about to murder several hundred thousand innocents and the action is perpetrated with the sole intention of preventing aforementioned killing?

10.05.025

Charlie: [To Gaul, reasonably] Well, in THAT case, it would be all right, of course. [To Pestilence] But, otherwise, what I said was that you are not to even HURT children or the elderly!

10.05.025

Clint: [Facepalms.] This one's all yours, Charlie.

10.05.026

Gaul: Ah, so killing children and old people is okay. Excellent. [Sits down to make some notes] Hm, is there somewhere I can go to remove a butt plug? [Confidentially, but to the whole room] It's starting to chafe a bit.

Jacob: [The man tied to the chair] There's.... there's a bathroom just down the hall, second right.

Gaul: Thanks!

[Exit GAUL.]

Alice: [Appalled] Really? Are we going to have to come up with every possible situation and legislate for it?

10.05.027

Charlie: [To Alice] What else can we possibly do?! Pestilence has no moral compass, so he needs to have these moral boundaries outlined somehow! [To Pestilence, insistently] These rules are terribly important to you, aren't they?

10.05.028

Pestilence: Sure! Now, what about children that I *started* to hurt? Can I finish the job?

10.05.029

Charlie: [Dismayed] NO! [Composed] Now, darling, you'd better clean up and get back to Will. The rest of us will help these people and try to set things to right. [To Dur, hopefully] Can you do anything for them?

10.05.029

Clint: Maybe we need to hire someone to be Pestilence's conscience for you.

10.05.030

Harvey: I can't think of anyone who'd want the job!


;;; That's it from me today, and I'm away tomorrow morning

10.05.031

Stinkin: I'll do it.

Pestilence: [To Charlie] Let's wait until Gaul gets back, that we can be sure what I can do. [Gives Jacob a glare]

[Enter GAUL, fully dressed.]

Gaul: Ah! That's better. [To Jacob] I left something in the sink for you, I hope that's okay. [To the party] Now, in the case of self defence, where my client perceives a threat to him, his family or to another, I assume that violence is acceptable?

10.05.032

Dur: That depends on what you mean by a threat! [Moves through out the roomcasting healing spells on those that need it most.] =

10.05.033

[DUR swiftly administers the spells. The party appear to have arrived before anyone was killed.]

Gaul: I think that's best left to the discretion of my client. [To Pestilence] You'll be restrained, won't you?

Pestilence: [Sharpening a knife] Sure! [Gives a big grin] I'll only defend myself against the scariest of children.

Gaul: [To the party] See?

10.05.034

Charlie: [Exasperated] But anyone COULD be considered a threat, which would give you the freedom to kill as you wish, making the entire system utterly pointless! [To Pestilence, urgently] Don't you see how important this is, darling? We MUST have boundaries.

10.05.035

Gaul: Excellent suggestion! We could assign points for various levels of threat! You know, tiny baby sucking a lollipop is half a point, but a knife wielding maniac [glances at Pestilence] er, no offence, [carries on] is a million.

Alice: Charlie, this is never going to work! What about Tim Victor?


;;; Alice is referring to the torture victim that Will and Pestilence

were torturing. Pestilence

;;; promised that he wouldn't kill Tim, but the party later found his

body in a shallow

;;; grave outside the Manor.

10.05.036

Charlie: I told you, he didn't kill him! He PROMISED me. [To Pestilence, confidently] Remember that man you were, er, questioning? The one who told you about Sven? You didn't kill him, did you? [Hesitates, less sure] Or have one of your goons kill him?

10.05.037

Clint: Lawyer, you're a lawyer. Can't you draw up a nice contract to clear all this up?

10.05.038

Austin : [Scribbling notes furiously] Hmm, this is really all about Charlie's opinion upon what is and is not acceptable behaviour, and as such Charlie should take time to draw up a comprehensive list of what is not acceptable, and include examples and definitions. I expect that this will take some time and also require numerous modifications, appendixes and fine tunings, as we cannot yet release the full version, with due diligence to the partnership, yet.

10.05.039

Gaul: I like the cut of your jib, my friend! I suggest you take your time with the list and that we agree to put a hiatus on any and all actions by your client against mine during that time, including, but not limited to any actions pertaining to or involving lecturing, nagging, withholding of sexual favours, prevention of hand holding during sad movies and sharing of spaghetti dinners at sunset.

Alice: Woah woah woah! Not be all Dancy Grew here, but is this really all about Charlie's opinion? Or don't the rest of us get a say about what's right and wrong here? Because cutting someone's eyelids off, I think that's wrong!


;;; Dancy Grew is a fictional character who's a plucky female teenage

detective, beloved of girls of a certain age.

;;; As she is generally not known either for her general goodness nor

her knowledge of the law, Alice's comparison

;;; is, quite frankly, flawed.

10.05.040

Austin : [To Alice] Yes, it is really about Charlie's opinion. You cannot have your opinion written into Charlie and Pestilence's marital agreement, that would be just plain weird. Even if you are Gancy Brew, whoever that is.

10.05.041

Alice: First of all, her name is Dancy Grew, and second of all, remember what Helena said? That she was worried about how Charlie is prepared to forgive Pesty anything? Are we now the same? How many innocent people has he just tortured? A dozen? Twenty?

Pestilence: Two hundred and thirteen. [Sneers at Alice] They weren't innocent. They were related to those HARMA bastards that were in the hotel when Charlie was killed.

10.05.042

Austin : [Shudders at Pestilence's details. To Alice] There is nothing wrong with forgiveness. Imagine how pleasant the world would be if everyone forgave everyone else for any wrong doings. [Ponders] Your point is valid though, if Charlie forgives Pestilence, that is a very good act, which must therefore be balanced with an equally bad act, for example, by Pestilence harming some HARMA. Tricky. [Makes some more notes]

10.05.042

Charlie: [To Alice, furiously] Can't you see how much he has changed?! [Takes Pestilence's hand] Yes, he has made a few slips and there have been some misunderstandings, but these can all be linked to his desire to protect me and our family! His instincts are good and loving. He just needs help making better choices.

10.05.043

Austin : Perhaps now would be a good time to get a hug from Pestilence? [Considers the situation] Who is looking after Wil?

10.05.044

Pestilence: That's none of your business, asshole.

Alice: A few slips? Two hundred and thirteen people dead!


;;; John is out

Harvey: By the saints, Private! That's not a few slips! What will happen the next time there's a slip?

Gaul: There won't be any slips. There'll be strict adherence to the contract.

10.05.045

Austin : [To Pestilence] I shall recommend in my report that you attend a behavioral therapist, to help with your insecurity issues.

10.05.046

Pestilence: [Looks sad] You've got me to a tee. It all stems from my loneliness as a teenager when I listend to all that heavy metal music. [Brightens up] Not to worry! Let's find a few old ladies to beat up, and I'll be fine!

10.05.047

Harvey: I believe we were looking to preclude the assault of the elderly. [To the Party] Perhaps we should put him into battle, what? That always relieves the tension, by the saints!

10.05.048

Charlie: [To Pestilence, trying to be calm] Darling, you must NOT make those little jokes. People could misunderstand and think that you really mean to harm elderly ladies, [getting edgier] despite the fact that we both just agreed you would NOT!

10.05.049

Gaul: Under certain circumstances! Now, I presume we all agree to a revision meeting for this agreement after, say, ten deaths occur that happen under debatable circumstances?

10.05.050

Charlie: [Hisses at Gaul] Don't be absurd! You make him sound like an uncontrollable killing machine!

10.05.051

Austin : [Listening to Charlie. To Gaul] My client would prefer the next meeting to take place after even one killing in questionable circumstances.

10.05.052

Gaul: He is an uncontrollable killing machine, isn't he? [To Pestilence] Aren't you?

Pestilence: Well, I wouldn't say *machine*!

Alice: Okay, if no one else is going to say it, I will. I think you're out of your mind, Charlie! How many times have you had this conversation? How many rules have you got for him?

Gaul: Eighty three.

Alice: Eighty three? Really? [To the party] Does anyone else think that she's crazy?

10.05.052

Harvey: [Confused] Yes, Private Parker Kensington is as mad as a box of squirrels who've been at the cheese, but I thought we already knew that, what?

10.05.054

Austin : [Nods in agreement] One banana short of a banana cake.

10.05.055

Dur: Perhaps she is blinded by her love of paperwork in her need to make contractual obligations to sustain her marriage?=

10.05.056

Alice: Yeah! She's one foot short of a ... dwarf!

10.05.057

Austin : [Chuckles at Alice's joke, then composes himself. To Charlie, whilst writing] The problem is that you are asking a demon, not to behave like a demon. It is like asking the sun not to shine or the wind not to blow. If you play with fire you get burned, or if you introduce snakes into your favorite pastime, you get bitten [Scribbles something out] scratch that last one.

10.05.057

Charlie: [To Alice] What does that even mean? [To the party] And how can you say I am insane to support the man I love?! Look how far Pestilence has come! He doesn't--he hasn't-- [trails off and adds weakly] he's on our side now!

10.05.058

Dur: Oh we don't think you're crazy for supporting the man you love, just for who you have chosen to love!=

10.05.059

Harvey: It would be bad enough for a man of the Troop to have a relationship with another man [Mutters] ...wouldn't have happened in my day... [Louder again] but Pestilence isn't even a man - he's a demon, what?!? [Blinks, confused]

10.05.060

Charlie: [To Dur, starting to lose it] If you think love is a choice, then you have never been in love. [To Pestilence, pleading] Darling, stop hiding behind Gaul, and tell me you understand what I need from you! You have to help me show the others that you can be trusted!

10.05.061

Pestilence: Of course! [Picks up a huge contract] No killing pizza delivery men who are late. Two, no torturing carriage drivers who go too slowly in the fast lane. [To the party] See? [To Charlie] I know there's a no killing party member rule, but how about we just kill these guys? They've got really whiny.

10.05.062

Charlie: [Softly] Oh, darling. You would kill them in an instant if I let you, wouldn't you? [Sadly] Malem Nequitus Reluctor. . . .

10.05.063

Pestilence: Of course! I'm a demon. It's what I do.

[GAUL shakes his head and waves frantically, trying to dissuade PESTILENCE.]

Pestilence: Er, I mean, it's what I *did*! [Laughs] Ah, who am I kidding? Of course I would. But I don't. That's how much I love you.

10.05.064

[ AUSTIN casually sidles off to stand beside the door out.]

10.05.065

Charlie: [Choking back tears] And I love you. But we can't be together anymore. I've always understood that you can't change who you are, but being with you is starting to change me, each time I find a way to excuse the inexcusable.

10.05.066

Harvey: [Exasperated] Oh, by the saints! We'll have none of that lillied-liver nonesense in my troop! We must stay focused on the-- Hey, lillied liver - that sounds rather nice, what?

10.05.067

Last from John 66

Pestilence: Great! If you change, then we don't have to worry about the rules!

10.05.068

Austin : Perhaps we could use a little fresh air [Opens the door and steps outside, (but still visible)]

10.05.069

Clint: Phili only knows I hate to agree with the lawyer, but I agree with the lawyer!

10.05.070

Charlie: [To Pestilence] But I cannot let myself change, not even for you. I still have a conscience, darling. If I continue to ignore it, it will destroy me. What kind of a life would that be for us? And for Will?

10.05.071

Pestilence: [Hopefully] Lots of fun as we rampage across the realms? [Finally looks serious] Come on, Charlie! Let's take a look at the rules, it'll be fine!

10.05.072

Clint: I'm telling you, we just need to find someone small enough to ride around on Pesty's shoulder everywhere, telling him the difference between right and wrong. How hard can that be?

10.05.073

Charlie: [To Pestilence] You know the rules never worked, not really. [Heart-broken] There's nothing more I can do. . . . [Turns to leave]

10.05.074

Dur: [Looking surprised and startled and begins backing towards the door slowly] Errr... Right.... Well, I'm sure this is the best decision for you bo= th...

10.05.075

Harvey: [Beams at the Party] Excellent! Are we happy families again? [Carries on without waiting for an answer] Well, that's just spiffing, by the saints! We should celebrate with a nice lillied liver pate, what?

10.05.076

Alice: [To Harvey] Oh, shut up.

Pestilence: Hey! What the hell? What just happened?

Gaul: Er, I think she's left you.

10.05.077

Harvey: [To Alice, sternly] My dear, you may be my niece, but you should remember how to address an officer, what? So that'll be "shut up, *sir*!"

10.05.078

[PESTILENCE storms out passed the party, bursting through CLINT and HARVEY, almost knocking them to the ground as he strides to a carriage. GAUL storms away too, head in the air, but turns back to the party for a moment.]

Gaul: I hope you understand, I have no problem with you people personally, I just can't resist a good storm off. [Gets on the carriage]

10.05.079

Clint: [To the party.] Yeah, there's no way this ends well.

10.05.080

[The carriage screeches to a halt, and GAUL gets down.]

Gaul: Sorry, my apologies! I forgot something.

[GAUL heads to the bathroom for a moment, before returning with something wrapped up in a tissue.]

Gaul: Didn't want to leave this behind. [Stops and looks at the party] Huh. Are you guys helping look for The Mother?

10.05.081

Charlie: [Dully, still shell-shocked] The Mother? Oh, yes. [Points to the party] Tell them about it. [Withdraws briefly to compose herself]

10.05.082

Austin : [Steps up] Yes, we are looking for the Mother, do you have any leads, what do you know about her?

10.05.083

Gaul: I heard that you lot are wanted for crimes against her. If you need a laywer, you know where to call. [Tosses the party a tiny orb] Break that and I'll be there as soon as poss.

10.05.084

Charlie: [To Gaul, irritated] What crimes? And by what authority are we being charged? Surely the laws of extra-dimensional beings have no jurisdiction here!

10.05.085

Gaul: That's how we'll fight it! Anyway, you have my orb. Don't hesitate to use it!

10.05.086

Charlie: [Narrows her eyes at Gaul] After the despicable way you helped mislead Pestilence into committing atrocities, I hardly think I would ever rely on you for anything.


;;; That's it for me today! Have fun!

10.05.086

Gaul: [Offended] Hey! Hey! I didn't mislead him! [To the party] I didn't mislead him, I merely facilitated him! Okay, you have my orb. See you soon!

[Exit GAUL.]

Alice: [To the party] What the hell now? The YTGs have kidnapped Deucie, and they think we didn't something to The Mother? What could it be?

10.05.087

Harvey: What, indeed, what? We should capture one and interrogate!

10.05.088

Alice: Good idea, but remember the last time we tried that, he killed himself! Then [looks off to one side, distracted] huh. Look at that. A L'Oreal Feria Hair Colouring kit, just sitting there on the road.

Piers: Does it taste like burger?

Alice: No, it tastes more like burn.

Piers: Then who cares? Who the hell cares! [Exit Piers]

[ALICE picks it up and looks ahead.]

Alice: Hey! There's another one! What's going on?

10.05.089

Austin : [To Alice] One would guess that it is a trap set for you.

10.05.090

Clint: Either that, or a couple of kids are wandering around and left a trail of hair care products behind them so they could find their way home again.

10.05.091

Alice: Maybe, but [gasps with joy] Look! A Windy Wings G1 My Little Pony!

[There does indeed appear to be a trail of hair care products and nauseatingly pink and fluffy My Little Pony paraphernalia leading away from the house.]

10.05.092

Austin : It is probably a trap, but it could also be a trail left by Deuce. We should follow with the utmost caution.

10.05.093

Clint: Where would Deuce get his hands on this much girly crap?

10.05.094

Alice: From his fiancee? I know you've probably never been with a live girl, Stinky, but we all love this kind of stuff! I think Austin might be right, especially as there's no ham here!

10.05.095

Dur: So we acknowledge it is most likely a trap and we're going to follow it anyway?=

10.05.096

Alice: [Following the trail, before looking back at the party] You're not going to believe this, but there's a bar here! [Looks slightly disturbed] It's called the Big Fat Cox. Man, it's like something from a Sexy Penis song!

10.05.097

Austin : I wonder if they sell Louis XIV?

10.05.098

Clint: Anybody laying a trail to a bar can't be *all* bad. Even if it is a trap! Let's check it out.

10.05.099

Harvey: By the saints, get a hold of yourself, Private! We must excercise all caution in approaching this establishment. Our first priority must be determining whether they sell food, what?

10.05.100

Clint: Good call, Harv! It's clear military thinking like this that got you to colonel in the first place.

10.05.101

Alice: [Points at a sign outside] Look at their lunchtime specials!

[The sign reads: "Lunchtime Special: steaks, chops, a soused pigs head, complete with apple, golden honeyed locusts, jellied eels, thrushes ankles, snakes feet, crispy popadoms and curried brussel sprouts. Plus Louis XV and Ham.]

Alice: It's gonna be great!


;;; End of scene, next one coming right up

10.06.001

[Book VIII, Act X. Scene VI. The Big Fat Cox. ALICE, AUSTIN, CHARLIE, CLINT, DUR, HARVEY and SEBASTIAN are here, having just stepped through the door. It is a fairly standard bar, with people dotted around, all turned away from the party. At one table sit three women, although it's not possible to see their faces due to their long hair. There is a barman, but he has his back to the party.]

Charlie: [Uneasily] Perhaps we should draw our weapons, Group?

10.06.002

Harvey: [Excited depite himself] Do you suppose the steaks are that big? I mean, usually a steak knife is sufficient, but do you really think they'll have steaks that will require the use of a longsword?

10.06.002

Clint: Make lunch, not war!

10.06.003

[The barman, ALEC DUPREE, who is dressed all in rubber, turns to the party.]

Alec: Uh... yes. How can I help you?

10.06.004

Charlie: [Noting the outfit] Oh, are you a scientist?

10.06.005

Alec: Uh.. no! Why don't you guys sit down? [Points to a table in the centre of the room] How about there?

10.06.006

Charlie: [Disappointed] Oh! Well, can you tell us anything about [lowers her voice] The Mother?

10.06.007

Alec: Ah yes. The most motherly of all women. The finest cook, the fairest of skin and goldeniest of hair. However, I'm sure you people know all about that.

Patrons: Rhubarb rhubarb rhubarb!

10.06.008

Charlie: [Dismissively] Yes, I'm sure she's lovely. [Casually] We should like to meet her and discuss her aims. Would that be possible?

10.06.009

Dur: And no need for a menu my good server, we will all have the rhubarb! [Aside to the group] It seems to be quite popular!=

10.06.010

Alec: [Angrily] No! No rhubarb for you! Not after you kidnapped The Mother!

10.06.011

Clint: [Agreeably.] How 'bout rhubarb *before* we kidnap The Mother?

10.06.011

Harvey: [To the party] Phew, that's a relief, eh? [To Alec] In that case, we shall have steak!

10.06.012

Alec: No you won't! You will be tortured to death for your crimes against The Mother!

10.06.013

Dur: That doesn't sound appetizing NOR refreshing! What kinda bar is this?

10.06.014

Harvey: One with very confused patrons, Doctor! First they're going to torture us by feeding us rhubarb, then they're not, then they are...

10.06.014

Clint: This isn't one of those stupid yuppie torture bars, is it?

10.06.015

Alec: It isn't a bar at all -- it's a transdimensional transport device. You will be brought to court for your crimes against The Mother. [Pours out what looks like a glass of beer, which he throws at Harvey and Clint]

[It is acid, and the two of them scream in pain as it hits them.]


;;; Clint lose 40hp, Harvey lose 45hp


;;; Heather is afk

Charlie: [Draws her sword] Leave them alone!

10.06.016

Clint: [Acidly.] That'll show 'em, Chuck! [Returns to being in great pain and being as manly about as possible.]


;;; I should probably be sorry about that, but I'm not!

10.06.017

Harvey: By the saints! [Loudly] Medic, what?!?

10.06.018

Alice: [Looks at Clint and Harvey in shock] What the hell is wrong with them? [Draws her sword] Why won't they take out their weapons? Have they been enchanted?

10.06.019

Dur: [Pulling out his doctor's bag] Coming Colonel!

10.06.020

Harvey: Gah! No, I'm ok - false alarm! No need to panic! [Climbs to his feet gingerley] See, fit as a fiddle? [Tries to do a star-jump to demonstrate how he's not injured, then winces in pain] Gah! Um, see? I'm fine - the enemy need your services much more than I do, Doctor, what?

10.06.021

Alice: [To Charlie] Come on! Let's get them out of here! There has to be something wrong with them! [Grabs Harvey's arm]


;;; Because surely they'd defend themselves otherwise, right??? :)

10.06.022

Clint: Yeah, this beer is terrible! [Pulls out his sword.]


;;; I'm too busy punning and Harv's clearly got bigger problems on his mind!

10.06.023

Sebastian: [Draws his sword] You know, it's times like this I wonder why I choose that particular HARMA officer to knock out. [Looks towards the nearest window to see if outside has changed] But at least we have a lawyer on call for this trial. Could you imagine what would have happened if Pestilence had realised that since Charlie broke up with him that rule about him NOT killing us became null and void? [Casts Create Water over Harvey and Clint to wash the acid away from them]


;;; That is the last time I'm taking a couple of days off from

role-playing for business meetings and a date. Over 100 posts to read

through today!

10.06.024

Harvey: Will people please stp throwing various types of liquid at me, what?!? Now, these blaggards promised steak - in fact, steak so big you had to use a lonsword to cut it as a steak knife just wasn't sufficient. Now, we'll show them just what happens when they trifle with this particular colonel! [To Austin] Private Sleaze, you are to draw up a Trading Standards suit immediately!


;;; We've been saving them up :)

10.06.025

Austin : [Shooting at the bar man] Would you like me to do that before or after the assault case for throwing acid over you!


;;; sorry about yesterday, so busy I forgot I had a day off :)

10.06.026

[AUSTIN hits the barman once with a stone.]

Alec: Ow! Hey! That hurt! That's really uncalled for!

[The various patrons all turn to look. To the party's collective horror, they are all YTGs. Even the women with long blonde hair are, in fact, yellow tie guys wearing wigs.]

10.06.027

Sebastian: So is saying we've done stuff to The Mother when we've never met her before. [Sees the YTG's] Oh boy.

10.06.028

Harvey: [To the party, loud enough for the entire room to hear] Careful, Troop! We must use stealth and guild to infiltrate the enemy, what? [To the YTGs] Um, Mother - yay!

10.06.029

Austin : [Shoots the barman again. To the Party] We should probably leave. [Backs off to the door]

10.06.030

Alice:Good idea, Aus!

[Much to everyone's surprise, the bar seems to lift off and start flying into the air.]

10.06.031

Charlie: [Gasps and grabs onto a chair] This is where the trap part enters in, one assumes!

10.06.032

Sebastian: One would assume correctly Doctor Parker-Kensington [Grabs hold of the bar]

10.06.033

Alec: [Laughs at the party, as do the rest of the YTGs] For the mother! [Takes out a glass of champagne] You idiots!

[The champagne spills all over ALEC, while ALICE grabs onto a Yellow Tie Guy for balance. This is KWAME APRICOT.]

Alice: What the hell is wrong with these people?

Kwame: [Screams like a little girl] Nooooo!

10.06.034

Sebastian: Maybe they just need a good therapist?

10.06.035

Charlie: [Nods emphatically] Preferably Freudian, given the Mother issues!

10.06.036

Harvey: Or perhaps they're just plain bonkers, what?

10.06.037

Sebastian: Yes Colonel. Proceed with the head bonking at once!

10.06.038

Harvey: ou will remember who is in command here, Private! Now, Troop, proceed with the head-bonking at once!

10.06.039

Dur: I'm no psychologist or anything, but perhaps I could diagnose these people after a minor brain examination!=

10.06.039

Charlie: To what end?! We are obviously being transported to the YTG dimension. Perhaps we should try to ascertain the charges we are facing and prepare a defense?


;;; Last from me today!

10.06.039

Alice: Maybe they've been affected by the same thing that has affect Clint and Harvey? [To the Kwame] What's wrong with you?

Kwame: Please! I'm sorry!

10.06.040

Alice: Good idea, Dur, but where can we find someone with a microscope powerful enough to examine your minor brain?

10.06.041

Austin : [Considers this] Even if we do, it is not the most worthwhile of endeavors! [Shoots the barman again]

10.06.042

[AUSTIN fires, but misses, the bullets striking the bar. Meanwhile, CHARLIE swings her sword and hits a nearby YTG, WALTER.]

Walter: Ow! You bitch!

Charlie: Hm, so they're not all cowardly. That's most disappointing!

10.06.043

Harvey: [Finally draws his sword] Have that, you blaggard. [Attacks the nearest YTG]

10.06.044

Austin : [Fires again at the barman] How the hell did this place get it's alcohol license!

10.06.045

Clint: [Smiting a nearby YTG.] Probably bribed someone. Maybe hired an expensive sleazy lawyer.

10.06.046

Austin : Maybe they don't have a license. [Shoots at the bar man]

10.06.047

Alice: Maybe it's not even a real bar!

[HARVEY slashes into the YTG, LANCE LOTTS, and gouges him across the chest. CLINT also swings at a nearby YTG but misses.]

Lance: You bastard! I'm going to kill you!

Alice: [Joins Harvey] Hurrah! This is just like old times! [Swings at Lance and misses]

Lance: [Drops his sword] Sorry! Please don't hurt me!

10.06.048

Clint: Well you should have thought of that before you brought us in here! [Takes another swing.]

10.06.049

[CLINT slashes LANCE and mortally wounds him. LANCE falls to the floor dramatically.]

Lance: Motherrrr.... whyyyy?

Alice: [Looks out a window] Uh oh! I don't think we're in Queens View anymore!

[The party can see all sorts of crazy lights and stars outside, as though they are flying through space.]

10.06.050

Dur: [Pulling his dagger and trying to stab the nearest YTG in the back] That seems to happen far more often than it should!=

10.06.051

Clint: Yeah, but usually we don't get the crazy lights and stars unless we got the fun drugs first!

10.06.052

Harvey: Life just isn't fair, Private! At least we'll be sober enough to keep our minds on the mission!

10.06.053

Charlie: [To Alec, that barman] You there! Turn this bar around this instant!

Alec: No can do. It's completely out of my cont- [Pops his head up to look at the party, only the be assaulted by a barrage of chairs, daggers and broken bottles from the party] Ow! Just for that, I'm not going to turn it around!

10.06.054

Sebastian: [Lets go of the bar] I just had the craziest thought [to the party] I think that they believe Alice is The Mother.

10.06.055

Alice: Don't be ridic! [To the YTGs] Tell him he that's he's wrong, and that that's the craziest thing anyone's ever said in the history of crazy things.

YTGs: [In perfect unison to Sebastian] You're wrong. That's the craziest thing anyone's ever said in the history of crazy things.

10.06.056

Sebastian: [Smirks and frowns at the same time] Alice, tell them to tell us who The Mother is.

10.06.057

Austin : Perhaps they think that Charlie is the mother! Why on earth would you think that they mean Alice? She doesn't have any children!

10.06.058

Alice: [Still horrified at Sebastian's outrageous suggestion] Yeah! Good point, Aus. [Thinks] At least, none that I know about. [To the YTGs] Say that you believe Charlie is The Mother!

YTGs: [Once again, in perfect unison] We believe that Charlie is The Mother.

10.06.059

Charlie: [Delighted] How marvelous! I always wanted to have massive groups of mindless followers who would obey my every whim! [To the YTGs, handing them a huge bundle of papers] Here, organize my research on slug bunny demons!

10.06.058

Harvey: [To Charlie] By the saints you do get around, Private! Good man!

10.06.060

Sebastian: Notice how they do everything Alice says exactly? Can't be Charlie, Charlie isn't a virgin. They also went from attacking to begging to know why whenever Alice touched one of them when we "took off". Now if Alice is The Mother, the question is, has she always been The Mother, or was she replaced at some point? Which begs the questions, when, and where is the real Alice?

10.06.061

Charlie: [Snorts] And you think Alice IS a virgin?! [Does a double-take] Though you are right about their seeming to obey HER, as I have given orders they did not follow. [To Alice, looking closely at her eyes] Mother?

10.06.062

Walter: [To Charlie] Organize your own research, bitch!

Alice: Hey! I am the real Alice! It's these guys who are the weirdoes!

[The bar seems to be slowing down.]

10.06.063

Dur: Perhaps you could order them to tell us where we are going then?

10.06.064

Austin : Let me try something. [To the YTGs] As Alice's legal representative, on behalf of Alice, I request that you tell Alice where we are going.

10.06.065

Walter: You're not the boss of me!

Alice: In that case, tell me where we're going.

Walter: [Dramatically] Brunch!

[The bar slows to a halt, and the doors open to reveal what appears to be a path leading into some woods. It is twilight and the way is lit by torches.]

10.06.066

Sebastian: At the risk of sounding crazy again, perhaps we should play along for now. We have got a lawyer on call after all.

10.06.067

Charlie: Yes, and Alice appears to have control of these men, so we can surely use that to our advantage!

10.06.068

Sebastian: Indeed Chuckles. In fact, couldn't Alice just order them to drop all charges against us? To let us go and return us to our own realm?

10.06.069

Harvey: Indeed - and more importantly, they could be instructed to supply the steaks as advertised, what?

10.06.070

Alice: [To the YTGs] Get us some steaks and fly us back to Queens View. Now!

Walter: [Shakes his head] No can do. I think there's some steak at brunch though. You can give some to the prisoners if you want.

10.06.071

Charlie: [To Alice] Perhaps you could drop the charges against us, for a start!

10.06.072

Alice: [Clicks her fingers] Drop the charges!

Walter: No.

Alice: [Sadly] I suppose we have to eat brunch.

10.06.073

Charlie: [To Walter] I thought The Mother was in charge?!

10.06.074

Austin : [To Alice] Can you ask them who gave them their orders?

10.06.075

Harvey: [To Walter, sternly] Did you just disobey a direct order from a er... [Uncertainly] commanding officer...?

10.06.076

Clint: [Shocked.] Hey! No one in the party would do something like that. [To Walter.] What's wrong with you people?!

10.06.077

Alice: [To Austin] I can't! They're not doing everything I ask!

Walter: [Smiles at Clint] Nothing that can't be solved by The Mother. [Gestures to the door] Brunch awaits.

10.06.078

Sebastian: Come on guys, the only way out of this is to follow it through

10.06.079

Alice: Okay, but I don't like the fact that we're having brunch when it's clearly dark outside!

[Exit ALL, up the path.]


;;; End of scene, next one in about 10 mins

10.06.079

Clint: Yeah! We can always come back and kick their butts later.

10.06.079

Charlie: Very well! [Heads for the door to brunch]

10.07.001

[Book VIII, Act X, Scene VII. The Dining Area. ALICE, AUSTIN, CHARLIE, CLINT, DUR, HARVEY and SEBASTIAN are here, walking up the path. They come to a huge clearing, filled with Yellow Tie Guys and a massive variety of disgusting looking demons. Waiting to greet them is POB POOBANKS, the talk show host from Ludosity*. The "Queens View Entrance Music" as the party arrive.]

Pob: And now, ladies, gentlemen, demons, snakes and various spirits, it is the distinct pleasure of the management to present the evening's star attraction. For your listening and watching participation and enjoyment, tonight in this clearing, it will be my privilege to give you one of the Realms last living, working heroic ensembles. Here they are, back after their exclusive three-year tour of Ludosity, The Realms and the sub-continent. Won't you please welcome from Queens View, the party of.... The Mother.

[The crowd all whoop and cheer, even though the party simply look at them, clearly not understanding what the hell is going on.]


;;; * Pob was the host of a game show in a dimension called Ludosity.

The party were

;;; chosen to take part in a gameshow called "The price is who wants

to survive the apprenticeship

;;; or no deal" where all the losing contestants would be killed. The

party won the final

;;; challenge by cheating -- much to the delight of the audience.

10.07.002

Charlie: [Baffled, but soaking up the cheers] Thank you! You're a wonderful audience!

10.07.003

Clint: Uh... happy to be here, Pob? I think?

10.07.003

Austin : [Seeing Pob] Oh shit. I hate these crappy dimensions. [To Charlie] They don't care about us, they really don't.

10.07.004

Sebastian: [Looks bewildered] What the? Three year tour? Should I be wishing I was actually Mac round about now so I knew what was actually going on?

10.07.005

Clint: Trust me, kid, you don't want to know.

10.07.005

Harvey: [Cheerily] Why, would being Mac help you know what's going on?

10.07.006

Charlie: [To Austin] You are just unused to having fans! [To Pob, eagerly] What is the competition this time? Something a bit more intellectual would suit!

10.07.006

Alice: [To Sebastian] It certainly wouldn't help us -- or Mac! [To Austin] Come on, cheer up. How bad can it be?

Pob: [With a huge, slime dripping grin] Mother, meet The Father.

[POB steps back to reveal BONALD RUMP, the ruler of Ludosity and judge of "The price is who wants to survive the apprenticeship or no deal". BONALD is sitting at a table with DEUCE in front of him. DEUCE is tied to the table with his head sticking up through it. The entire top of his head has been removed and BONALD appears to be eating his brain witha spoon. Incredibly, DEUCE still appears to be alive and conscious.]

Bonald: [Salaciously eating a piece of Parietal Lobe] Hey there, sexy.

Alice: Deucie! Are you okay?

Deuce: [Thinks for a moment] Actually, Pixie Styx, I've been better.


;;; Some links to the party's interactions with Bonald

;;;

;;; http://www.queens-view.com/Scripts/07.06.html#06.05.001

;;; http://www.queens-view.com/Scripts/07.06.html#06.05.012

;;; http://www.queens-view.com/Scripts/07.06.html#06.05.103

10.07.007

Charlie: [Horrified] How dare you turn one of the finest minds in science into an entree?!

10.07.008

Sebastian: [To the party] Told you they thought Alice was The Mother. [To Alice] Personal I know, but when did you lose your virginity and to who? [To Harvey] Sorry, assumed he was with you three years ago when this so called tour started.

10.07.009

Clint: Relax, Chuck, as long as he doesn't eat the 10% of Deuce's brain that he's using, it'll be fine!

10.07.010

Alice: Yeesh! I don't know, Sebastian! It was years ago. I mean, I was only 13! I'm sure it was a rock star or someone.

Bonald: His name was Dwayne Dibley. A spotty teenager who worked in a local chip shop drinking the left over grease. [Takes another spoonful of brain and addresses Charlie] Hey, it's the only way to truly defeat your enemy. Plus, it's delicious.

10.07.011

Charlie: [To Alice, gesturing frantically at Deuce] Surely you intend to TRY to stop this?!

10.07.012

Alice: Of course! [Draws her sword, but freezes] What the hell? I can't move!

Deuce: Uh, guys? Now would be a good time for you to kill the crazy demon guy.

10.07.012

Sebastian: Ah ha! [To everyone] Now as I understand it, we are being accused of kidnapping The Mother, and you all think Alice is The Mother. But The Mother is a virgin, and Alice is not a virgin. Therefore Alice is not The Mother, and hence we have not kidnapped her, therefore I demand all charges are dropped against us, before we call in out lawyer!

10.07.013

Charlie: [Tries to attack Bonald] Let him go!

10.07.014

Clint: [Goes to back Charlie up.] And his brain, too!

10.07.015

Deuce: Yeah, I'm really glad you understand it all, Seb, but you know, I just forgot everything I know about underpants, so I think we're under a bit of pressure here.

[CLINT and CHARLIE get about a foot towards BONALD, but then also get stuck.]

Bonald: Yeah, funny thing. Here in my dimension, I'm part of the world, so I can control everything and everyone. Kind of cool, eh?

10.07.016

Sebastian: [To Bonald] Is that done by magic by any chance? [Prepares to cast Dispel Magic if Bonald answers yes]

10.07.017

Harvey: [Lips moving as he tries to figure out what Seb just said a couple of posts ago. Pause, then angrily, to Sebastian] I say, what do you mean my niece is not a virgin?!?


;;; Sorry folks - building issues at work caused a dash home!

10.07.018

Clint: I think he's trying to say that the lady is a tramp?

10.07.019

Bonald: Hey! Just because she was violated by [smacks Deuce's exposed brain with his spoon] this young scoundrel, doesn't mean she's a tramp!

10.07.020

Austin : He does have a point.

10.07.021

Alice: Thank you! [To Bonald] Please! Don't hurt Deucie! We'll do whatever you want!

Bonald: [Takes another spoonful] Oh, I know you will. The wedding will be the greatest event in history.

10.07.022

Charlie: [To Bonald, sternly] You are quite getting ahead of yourself, sir. You have never even proposed to Alice, and to get married after a short proposal is a great insult! It makes it seem as if you might have [delicately] started your little family early, if you know what I mean! Do you want the ladies in the Bridge Club to whisper about YOUR wife?!

10.07.023

Austin : Did you miss the bit about him controlling everything here? The really disturbing part of this is how the abducted orphans fit into this whole mess!

10.07.024

Sebastian: What abducted orphans?

10.07.025

Bonald: These abducted orphans!

[Some flunkies push forward a massive crate of babies. There are hundreds of them in there.]

Alice: Oh my god! Are they dead?

Bonald: No! You really think I'd give you dead babies to eat? What are we? Animals? [To Charlie] If the bridge club talks about my wife, then I'll have them killed!

<A name=http://www.queens-view.com/Scripts/05.03.html#truth>Allegations about Alice and baby eating - Book V, Act III</A>


;;; Over the last few acts, there have been several mass kidnappings from

;;; orphanages, which the party have pinned on the YTGs but, until now

;;; haven't figured out what they were doing with the babies.

10.07.026

Austin : [Grimacing] At least we have found them. [To Alice] It's going to take you a while to get through that lot.

10.07.027

Charlie: [Revolted, but trying not to show it] How generous of you, but of course, a bride must watch her figure. She couldn't possibly eat so much before the big day. [Sighs] Oh, well! I suppose we must return these children to their homes.

10.07.028

Bonald: [Considers this] Hm, good point. She will be wearing that corset made out of the bones of a hundred virgins and one virgins, and it is very constricting [conversationally] it's the same one my mother wore, although, of course, back then it was only a hundred virgins. Then it is decided! She can eat the babies the next day!

10.07.029

Austin : Why does she need to eat any babies? I am sure that she would prefer donuts.

10.07.030

Sebastian: [Looking at the babies] They look a little undeveloped for the flavour. [To Bonald] You are a rather inconsiderate groom, you didn't bother to ask Alice if she wanted sauce to go with the babies, or even what kind of sauce. [Sternly] You don't deserve her love!

10.07.031

Charlie: [Nods emphatically at Sebastian and Austin] Yes, all excellent points! [To Bonald] Now, hadn't you better make a few changes? You don't want the honeymoon to be over before it's even begun, do you?!

10.07.032

Bonald: [Slams his spoon down into Deuce's brain] Don't you talk to me like that! When we're joined, she'll love me! The wedding will take place this afternoon as planned, and once she has eaten the babies, the joining will be forever, forever! [Gives Alice a wink] Then we can start the honeymoon. [Points to his crotch] I got three inches of looooove truncheon, babe.

Deuce: [Winces at the spoon] Uhhhh, I don't feel so well...

10.07.033

Sebastian: [Laughs hysterically] You really think she'll want to marry you now she knows you have only 3 inches? [To Charlie, still laughing] Put him to shame Chuckles, tell him how big your husband Pestilence is with his [mimicking Bonald] looooove truncheon.


;;; Out for the rest of the day

10.07.034

Bonald: [Unhappy at this unkind taunting] Shut the hell up! [Stabs the spoon into Deuce's brain]

Deuce: Aaaaaargh!

10.07.035

Harvey: By the saints, stop him! [Lunges for Bonald]


;;; I'm away tomorrow, Friday and Monday. Back Tuesday

10.07.036

Charlie: [Frantically tries to stop Bonald. To the party] We must stop taunting him, while Deuce still has enough of his brain left to make his life worth living!

10.07.037

Dur: If we can rescue Deuce, I may be able to patch him back up!

10.07.038

Alice: [Wails] Oh no! If Dur's our only hope, he's screwed!

[All the party freeze as they try to rush BONALD, who smugly digs his spoon deep into DEUCE's brain.]

Deuce: I think I just forgot ham! Oh no! [Dies]

Alice: You bastard!

10.07.039

Harvey: Perhaps it's for the best, what? If the price of survival is to be treated by Dur, the price may just be too high.


;;; Sorry Kevin!

10.07.040

Austin : [Sheds a tear] That was so horrible! [Cries]


;;;awa hame

10.07.041

Dur: Well that was unfortunate... [Watches Bonald] Errr.... Are you gonna eat that?

10.07.042

Clint: Oh my god! You killed Deucey! You bastard!

10.07.043

Charlie: [Horrified] Deuce! [To Bonald, enraged and upset] You will pay for this, you odious creature!

10.07.043

Bonald: And now I'm going to kill you! [Fixes his gaze on the party]

[Everyone but ALICE starts to feel their throat constricting.]

10.07.044

Clint: [Gasping the words out as best he can as he struggles to move forward.] Bimbo! Do something about your fiance!

10.07.045

Alice: Please! Don't kill them!

Bonald: Will you marry me?

[ALICE looks at the party, who have all dropped to their knees, in various states of discomfort and choking.]

Alice: Yes!

[Instantly, all the party stop choking.]

10.07.046

Sebastian: [Coughing after the choking has stopped] Why do I get the feeling by the time we die we'll have all married demons at some point?

10.07.047

Austin : [To Bonald] That is not a legitimate marriage acceptance! It was clearly made under duress!

10.07.048

Bonald: [Reassuringly to Sebastian] Hey! Don't worry about that! You'll be dead long before you get a chance to marry. [To Austin] That's how we do things here. If she made it of free will [laughs] well... that would just be weird!

10.07.049

Charlie: [To Bonald, warily] As Alice's Matron of Honor, I should like to know the particulars of the wedding ceremony, so that her [gestures to the men of the party] er, bridesmaids and I can help her prepare.

10.07.050

Sebastian: [To Bonald] Surely though The Mother should be consenting through free will and not duress. Otherwise are you not offending her followers who wear the yellow ties? And I bet you don't even have a best man! And where is the engagement ring? You didn't even get down on one knee! [Is blatantly disgusted at Bonalds shambles of wedding preparation]

10.07.051

Bonald: [Gets down on one knee and clears his throat] I know it must have been a fluke But as soon as I ate your puke I knew there could be no other Than you, sweet Lice, to be The Mother. [Gives her a smile] Will you be my wife so that we can live happily ever after. All your dreams will come true.

Pob: [Leans in to Alice and says very quickly] Your dreams and opinions of what constitutes life happily ever after may differ from Mr. Rump, and The Ludosity Corporation. Happily Ever After is a trademark of the Ludosity Corporation and refers to the lifetime of the marriage as decided by Mr. Rump. [Pause] Oh, and all your friends will be killed if you say no. If you say yes, they will be permitted to act as bridesmaids whereupon they will immediately be killed.

Alice: [Looks at the party] Will they have to wear awful bridesmaids dresses?

[POB and BONALD briefly converse quietly.]

Pob: Yes.

Alice: I'll do it if they're lives are spared.

[POB and BONALD converse again.]

Pob: Yes.

[The crowds whoop and cheer. Streamers and small demons are thrown about.]


;;; End of scene, next one coming right up

10.08.001

[Book VIII, Act X, Scene VIII. A Dank Prison Cell. AUSTIN, CHARLIE, CLINT, DUR, HARVEY and SEBASTIAN are here, having been pushed in by a bunch of demon guards. They are clearly in the dungeons of a huge castle. ALICE was kept upstairs with her new fiance. The cell is fairly large, but smells disgusting. Everyone has been thoroughly -- and roughly -- searched, and no one has any weapons. Snoring comes from off in the darkness.]


;;; John is out until Tuesday

Harvey: By the saints! This is a disaster! Deuce, eaten! Alice, about to be married!

10.08.002

Sebastian: At least we are still alive. There is still a chance we could stop the wedding Colonel. Though I must say, if this is how they treat bridesmaids, I would hate to see how they treat prisoners! Charlie, do you think now would be a good time to call forth Petsy's lawyer?

10.08.003


;;; Heather is afk

Charlie: Yes! I believe he said that he was experienced with inter-dimensional lawsuits. Perhaps between he and Austin we can find a legal way out of this? Now, who has his calling orb?

Harvey: Gah! Alice has it!

10.08.004

Sebastian: I thought Charlie had it

10.08.005

Charlie: [Quickly checks her pockets] Oh! Let me see. . . ?


;;; I'm assuming she doesn't?

10.08.005

Austin : What is that awful snoring noise coming from? [Gingerly feels his way along the wall, into the darkness]

10.08.006


;;; Correct!

[Enter ZAP FLASHEART, leaping from an apparently sleeping position, scaring the bejesus out of the party,]

Zap: Hah! Flasheart's sturdy side kicks are back in the game!


;;; The party worked with Zap before, at the start of Book VIII. He

was last seen

;;; pursuing the YTGs back to their own dimension trying to rescue a crate of

;;; babies

10.08.007

Charlie: [Gasps] How marvelous! Have you an escape planned?

10.08.008

Sebastian: You know him?


;;; That's me done for the day. Off to my Pathfinder session now haha

10.08.009

Zap: Everyone knows [dramatic pose] General Zap Flasheart! You probably have a poster of me on your bedroom wall! [To Charlie] As a matter of fact, I do. We just need a few more troops.

10.08.010

Charlie: [Doubtfully] And do you have these troops?


;;; Last from me today!

10.08.011

Zap: Of course not! If I had the troops, we would already have taken the castle, imprisoned Bonald and almost certainly already had sex with his bride-to-be.

Harvey: [Enraged] By the saints! That's my niece you're talking about!

Zap: The fat one?

Harvey: [Punches Zap on the nose] How dare you!

Zap: [Staggers back, but is unphazed] Sir, were you not related to this obese woman, I would kill you. However, as you are, I will instead allow you to join with me in the taking of the castle.

10.08.012

Austin : That sounds like an excellent plan. Are there many objects of high value in the castle? Do they have a vault?

10.08.005

Dur: Perhaps it is best to leave the thinking to better men then! That's what I do!


;;; Zing!.... Hey!

10.08.013

Clint: As long as we've got a way to make that Bonald guy pay, I'm in.


;;; Ugh. Sorry for my tardiness.

10.08.014

Zap: Austin, the place is awash with hugely expensive tat! Now, about this army of bloodthirsty volunteers that you have with you. Where exactly are they?

10.08.015

Clint: Look, pal, what you see is what you get. [Trying to get into the spirit of things.] Just think how much more heroic it will sound when we didn't even need an army of bloodthirsty volunteers!

10.08.016

Zap: Heroic indeed, my pungent friend, but alas, my brilliantly simple plan requires the presence of three hundred thousand men and my trusty knife, which I have skillfully smuggled into the cell with me.

10.08.017

Sebastian: I could always summon a monster since we don't have 300,000 men to go with your trusty knife.

10.08.018

Austin : [to Zap] We don't have 300,000 warriors, will 3 do?

10.08.019

Zap: Unlikely, my enthusiastic but misguided friend. [Takes up a dramatic pose] If a monster can be summoned, which, given that we're not in our own dimension is even less likely, we may have a chance. Failing that, we need to get beyond the castle walls. [Looks off into the distance, which, given that he's facing a wall, looks rather foolish rather than dramatic]

10.08.020

Charlie: [Excited] You mean THAT wall [points at the wall] ?! That will be easy!

10.08.021

Austin : [Looks surprised. To Charlie] Will it?

10.08.022

Sebastian: [Looks confused. To Charlie] How will it be easy?

10.08.023

Zap: [Laughs good naturedly] Don't hassle her, chaps. She's but a woman -- more used to wearing aprons and making sandwiches than planning daring escapes from dungeons. Unfortunately, we are far below the castle, with dozens of walls between us, hundreds of demons who obey Bonald's every whim, thousand feet of fetid water filled with sharkadiles. [Takes up another dramatic pose] It's almost too easy!

10.08.024

Dur: [Frowning] If that's easy, I say we give up before it gets hard...

10.08.024

Austin : [Unimpressed] Perhaps you could get started then. Let me know if you need assistance.

10.08.025

Charlie: [Disappointed] Oh, I thought we only needed to climb a wall!


;;; Sorry, misunderstood Conor's earlier post! I really did think

;;; we just needed to climb a wall!

10.08.026

Sebastian: I forgot about my magic not working in the Care Bares Realm. Would make sense it won't work here either.


;;; Out for rest of the day. See you all Monday

10.08.027

Zap: [To Austin] I do need assistance! The extra men! Come on, man, keep up! I have the trusty knife, what did you bring?

[No one managed to smuggle any weapons in due to an rather invasive search on the way down.]

10.08.028

Austin : [Patting himself down] I still have my heart, kidneys and lungs, but it was a close thing!

10.08.029

Clint: And what we don't have is our dignities after that bastard got fresh with us!

10.08.030

Harvey: By the saints! I feared I would lose my false teeth -- and not through the orifice that God intended, what! [To Clint] I thought he seemed a bit over familiar with you, Private!

Charlie: How did you get the knife in?

Zap: It's enchanted. There are non-YTGs outside the castle who gave it to me. Bonald has a spell that can detect any weapon within six feet of him. This baby [pats the knife, grimacing slightly as he cuts himself with it] can go undetected.

10.08.031

Clint: [Shuddering as he recalls the search.] So what do we do about how that freak can control everything? If we get real lucky, someone can distract him and not die before you stab him in the back, but that's a pretty crappy plan.

10.08.032

Zap: Excellent plan! I think you might be just the man to do it. [Hands Clint the dagger] I call her Tolvana. It's the name the locals had for me. Bonald's demons will lose some of their power if he dies. Then, we get the 300,000 men to burst us out of this cell and then, then my friend, we will unleash hell! [Strikes a dramatic pose which is somewhat compromised by a loud fart]

10.08.033

Clint: Whiiiiich brings us back to the 300,000 men part of your plan.

10.08.034

Charlie: Indeed, which appears to be a major flaw, of which there are many.

Zap: There are, however, 300,000 men -- or at least, 300,000 somethings, outside the castle walls. They look disgusting. Some of the women are so ugly, they might even sleep with [points at Clint] that!

10.08.035

Austin : [Shudders at the thought] Have they be scarred by some terrible disease?

10.08.036

Clint: Not yet!

10.08.037

Zap: Woof! I like your style, friend! You're too ugly to be my wingman, of course, but you might be able to clean by boots while I regale you with tales of my vigorous sexual activity.

Charlie: [Sigh] Yes, quite. So, we essentially need to be outside the castle, but someone needs to get close enough to Bonald to kill him?

Zap: That's about the size of it. Hopefully the bastard will stay dead long enough that we can get the hell out of here, loaded down with loot. [Gives Austin a wink]

10.08.038

Clint: So what you're telling us is that it's all down to Alice?

10.08.039

Austin : Perhaps I can pick the lock [Examines the door]

10.08.040

[Although there is a lock, a lack of lock picks and any other tools means that even with AUSTIN's slender fingers, this lock is unpickable.]

Zap: So this Alice. Male or female?

10.08.041

Sebastian: Female. She's the one getting married to Bonald.

10.08.041

Zap: Right. And this Bonald? Male or female?

10.08.042

Austin : I suspect that he is male, but fortunately I cannot confirm that.

10.08.043

[Enter ALICE and POB, flanked by half a dozen demons.]

Pob: Heeeeeee're Alice!

10.08.044

Charlie: [To Alice, concerned] Are you all right, dear?

10.08.045

Austin : [To Alice] Good news I hope?

10.08.046

Pob: Great questions, both! Now, is it (a) Doing just fine; (b) Never been happier; (c) I want to throw myself under a train; or (d) The Moon.

Alice: Never been happier. Bonald wanted to kill you as part of the ceremony, but I told him that I despise you all so much that I don't want you to have any part of it. You should be banished to outside the castle!

10.08.047

Charlie: [In a stilted voice, urgently] You can't do that, you horrid bitch. We won't rest until we ruin your wedding!

10.08.048

Austin : [Scowling] Curse you Basset-Short! I shall never lend you nail file again! [Shakes his fist at her, as an after thought]

10.08.049

Dur: Errr... Weren't we supposed to be kill as part of the ceremony?

10.08.050

Austin : [Looks at Dur, alarmed] Shut up please!

10.08.051

Alice: You're too dumb to be killed at my wedding! [To Pob] Hand me something to throw at them.

Pob: Would you like (a) A live chicken stuffed in a balloon; (b) An orb of stench; (c) An orb of cleanliness; or (d) The Moon.

Alice: B.


;;; John is out today

Harvey: Alice! Nooooooo! It should have been A! It should have been A, eh?

10.08.052

Charlie: [To Alice] Do be sensible! Everyone knows it's bad luck to have a wedding go smoothly, and so you must insist on having this lot [gestures to the party] of ne'er-do-wells around, with all of their wacky shenanigans and awkwardness!

10.08.053

Alice: [Taking the orb from Pob] I'm more than capable of ruining my own wedding, thank you very much!

[ALICE tosses the orb so that it slowly drops in towards the party, behind them.]

Zap: He must have turned her! [To the party] I heard that Bonald has the power to plant a thought in people's minds!

10.08.054

Charlie: We must help her! She is weak and entirely suggestible, even at the best of times!


;;; That's my three!

10.08.052

Austin : C! Surely you meant C!

10.08.055

Austin : Noo! [Tries to catch the orb before it breaks]

10.08.056

[The orb sails just over AUSTIN's reach as ALICE and POB turn to go.]

Pob: [Glancing back] You'll be thrown out of the castle as punishment for kidnapping The Mother. Oh, the shame! Not even allowed to be killed at her wedding!

[Exit POB and ALICE. The orb smashes behind the party and some green smoke appears, but no odour.]

10.08.057

Clint: [Tentatively.] So... uh.... what did she throw at us? [Goes to take a closer look.]

10.08.058

[There is another burst of smoke. Enter GAUL SOODMAN, dressed as a pirate.]

Gaul: [With a big grin] Avast, ye swabs! [Puts his plastic sword away] How can I help you? [Looks around] I gotta tell you, guys. I'm not liking your new digs.

10.08.059

Clint: I know, right?

10.08.060

Gaul: So what can I do for you?

10.08.061

Charlie: [Through gritted teeth] We require your assistance, you vile man! Alice is being forced into matrimony by an extra-dimensional being!

10.08.062

Clint: And marriage to extra-dimensional beings don't work out too well, you know. So we want you to get us out of here!

10.08.063

Gaul: Right. I can't help you with that, but I can make one hell of a prenupt!

10.08.064

Dur: Hey that gives me an idea! [Dur stands quietly, waiting for the party to acknowledge him] =

10.08.065

Clint: Well don't just stand there, doc, speak up!

10.08.066

Harvey: Eh? What did he say? Come on, Private Quack!

10.08.067

Dur: Maybe we can get Alice's betrothed demon husband to sign a needlessly complicated and restrictive prenuptual agreement and then bait him into bre= aking it and there by freeing Alice!

10.08.068

Sebastian: I'm still confused though, is Alice really The Mother? And if not, then why are they all so convinced she is? Though I like that she obviously switched the orbs so that we got this one instead.

10.08.069

Zap: What I'm confused about is that plan -- is that really supposed to be good?

Gaul: [To Sebastian] Maybe she is The Mother? Do you actually know what that is?

10.08.070

Austin : [To Gaul] No we do not, would you care to enlighten us?

10.08.071

Gaul: I haven't a clue. However, maybe what it means is that she is will be able to help produce a new generation of demons which can be used to take over our dimension. [Takes out a notepad] Is she already married to ruler of this domain and she eaten any babies recently?


;;; Remember, Bonald said in 8.2 that he was thinking of trying

;;; to take over the Realms, but didn't because the party

;;; won the game show.

10.08.072

Charlie: [Looks at Alice] Er, have you?

10.08.072

Austin : [To Gaul] Not as far as we know. I expect to be exiled from the castle before the wedding. [Concerned to Charlie] Do you think that Pestilence wanted you to have Wil, in order to take over the realms?

10.08.073

Charlie: [Indignant] Certainly not! [Sheepishly] Well, he did JOKE about that once or twice, but I'm certain he had no such ambitions. [To the party, defensively] You all saw him in the last while. He's been attending school functions, learning to bake and knit, not gathering an army!

10.08.074

Sebastian: [To Gaul] What is with the needing her to eat babies?

10.08.075

Austin : So Bonald and Pestilence and Phili know who else is planning on invading the realms with cross bred demon spawn. [Sadly] Great. That's just great.

10.08.076

Gaul: Oh, baby eating is just a way to generate energy. You can also use puppies or adorable kittens, but it's hard to beat babies, pound for pound. Once she starts breeding, she'll be producing up to a hundred demons per day.

10.08.077

Charlie: [Starry-eyed] Oh, Alice! You are going to LOVE motherhood! [Dreamily] It's so wonderful, watching them grow and change, going with them to get their first library card, showing them how to use an index, teaching them their second and third languages. . . .

10.08.078

Sebastian: Charlie, Alice isn't here, she left with Pob after throwing us the orb.


;;; They left in post 56

10.08.079

Charlie: [To Sebastian, startled] Oh! I was so delighted I'd forgotten!


;;; Sorry, that's what I get for posting while distracted! : O

10.08.080

Gaul: Look, I don't think this Bonald guy is the type to sign pre-nupts. Unless you can prevent the marriage, you need a way to end it.

10.08.081

Charlie: Perhaps Alice could reveal to her husband-to-be that she has some horrid social disease? [Muses] Though would that even deter him?

10.08.082

Austin : Up to a hundred demon spawn a day! That sounds horrendously painful. [To Gaul] Perhaps you could get a message to Trindle, about Alice's plight. He may still be in love with her.

10.08.083

Harvey: Gah! Trindle?!? Out of the frying pan and into a hotter frying pan, what? [Stomach rumbles] Damn you, Private you've gone and made me hungry, by the saints!

10.08.084

Dur: One crisis at a time Colonel!

10.08.085

Gaul: [Makes a note] That's actually not a bad idea. I can do that, but I doubt he'll be able to mobilise. After all, we are on his home ground. What have you got in the way of magical weapons and/or ways in which to kill him?

10.08.086

Sebastian: We have nothing. Mine and Dur's magic probably won't even work either, it didn't in the Care Bare's realm, so I doubt they will here.

10.08.087

Austin : [Juts a finger towards Zap] Zap here has a magic knife. One of us could sneak up on Bonald and stab him in the back?

10.08.088

Zap: [Shows the knife] Pretty nifty eh?

Gaul: The niftiness of it depends on two things. First, can it be brought near Bonald without him detecting it?

[All the party nod happily.]

Gaul: Second, at what point will someone be close enough to use it?

10.08.089

Sebastian: Alice will be as she marries him, and again when he's bonking her for the breeding, or as its commonly known, consummating the marriage. Thing is, how do we get the knife to her?

10.08.089

Austin : Alice is the only one of us likely to get close to Bonald. [Sighs] It will have to be her, but how can we get the knife to her?

10.08.090


;;; Heather is afk

Charlie: Especially as we're about to be thrown out of the castle!

Zap: I.... have a cunning plan! When Alice comes down to tell us that she doesn't want us killed, we can slip it to her then! [Flashes a dazzling smile at the party, as though expecting applause]

10.08.091

Austin : [To Zap] But she has already been down here to tell us that! Hopefully she will return with other news, so we should be ready in case she does.

10.08.092

Zap: [Face falls] Oh. I thought that I simply had visualized my plan so well that it seemed real. I guess it actually did happen. Hm.

Charlie: But what if she doesn't return? Perhaps we should try to come up with a contingency plan?

10.08.093

Clint: How 'bout having Gaul here slip her the knife when she asks to draw up a prenup? [Face falls.] Assuming she thinks to do that. [Thinks about it a bit more.] Ah crap.

10.08.094

Sebastian: Or Gaul could just appear up there offering his services, as in trying to convince her she needs one?

10.08.095

Clint: How 'bout it, Gaul? Give it a try for old time's sake!

10.08.096

Gaul: I'd love to help guys, but on this plane I'm non-corporeal. See? [Moves his hand through the door] Not helpful for smuggling weapons, but great for sneaking into women's bathrooms.

10.08.097

Clint: Maybe you could just sneak in to visit her and tell her to come visit us?

10.08.097

Harvey: Well, you could sneak into Alice's bathroom and find out what this is all about, what? [Sternly] But no funny business, mind you! Alice may be crazy but she's still my niece, what?

10.08.098

Gaul: [Interested] Does she where flouncy underpants?

10.08.099

Clint: [Lying through his teeth.] Oh, the flounciest!

10.08.100

Austin : When she remembers, that is.

10.08.101

Harvey: [To Saul, angrily] And why would her underwear be any concern of yours, eh?

10.08.102

Austin : Well colonel, flouncy underwear is great for smuggling. [Sees Harvey not putting two and two together] She can hide the knife in her pants. It is easier if they are flouncy.

10.08.103

Harvey: [Frowns at Austin] I see. And obviously you have a great deal of experience smuggling items in flouncy underwear, eh, Private?

10.08.104

Austin : I have had assistants in the past, that were only too happy to oblige.

10.08.105

Sebastian: So then, we have a plan? Gaul will go to Alice and tell her to come and see us so we can give her the knife? Excellent.

10.08.106

Austin : [To Gaul] How do you do this non-corporeal visit thing? It is most impressive, and I'd like to incorporate it into my repertoire, if you think you can handle the competition?

10.08.107

[Silence. Everyone looks at GAUL, surprised at this, however, he's not to be seen.]

Zap: Where'd he go?

[GAUL appears again.]

Gaul: Hey! They weren't flouncy at all!

10.08.108

Charlie: [Groans] Oh, Alice! And on your wedding day!

10.08.109

Gaul: She said she'll come down when you lot are about to be thrown out. [Thinks for a moment] So how are you going to give her the dagger?

10.08.110

Dur: [Obviously] By handing it to her!

10.08.111

Charlie: [Excited] Oh, how about a wedding gift?!

10.08.111

Gaul: Hm, right. Well, while that would actually result in her getting it, there may be a few issues with that strategy, not least of which is the fact that you will be spotted doing it.

10.08.112

Gaul: Good thinking! Now, what have you got that a knife can be hidden in?

10.08.113

Harvey: Perhaps Private Sleaze can smuggle it into the wedding gifts in his flouncy underwear, what?

10.08.114

Gaul: Ye-es. The problem there is that you guys probably won't have access to the wedding gifts, on account of you being about to be thrown out and all.

10.08.115

Sebastian: [Looks around the cell and searches his pockets looking for anything that can be used for wrapping the knife up] Anyone got anything that can be used for wrapping up?

10.08.116

Zap: I'm very skilled at making roses out of torn pieces of material. If everyone gives me a few strips from the bottom of their trousers, I could fashion a beautiful flower that we can give to her.

Gaul: Ah! And use that to wrap up the knife?

Zap: [Startled] Uh, sure!

10.08.117

Charlie: Splendid! The bride must have a bouquet, of course! [Starts ripping a strip from the bottom of her grey trousers]

10.08.118

Clint: And for the finishing touch... [Starts ripping a strip from the bottom of his trousers, too, much to everyone's probable regret.]

10.08.119

Sebastian: [Also rips from the bottom of his trousers] I hope this works.

10.08.120

Clint: Course it'll work! Hell, we've pulled off lots of plans even worse than this!

10.08.121

Zap: [Starts working furiously on his creation] Hm, a little bit more each, please!

10.08.122

Harvey: [Reluctantly rips a strip from the bottom of his trousers] Hmpff - normally I would not consider defacing my uniform in such a manner, but needs must, what?

10.08.123

Clint: [Reluctantly hands over yet more fabric.] Keep this up and I'm gonna have to buy a new pair of trousers for the first time in 10 years!

10.08.124

Zap: More!

[Everyone, even AUSTIN forks over more strips.]

Zap: More! More!

[Another few iterations and the party are left with what look like tiny hot pants. ZAP steps back to admire his handiwork.]

Zap: Ta-da!

[Far from a delicate rose, ZAP has created what looks like a massive ball of rags.]

Zap: Isn't it great?

10.08.125

Sebastian: [Hesitantly] Oh, sure. So when are you going to make the rose?

10.08.126

Austin : [Dryly] You forgot to show us the beautiful roses.

10.08.127

Charlie: [Looks at the mess skeptically] You really think that will fool anyone? [To Zap] I mean other than a simpleton like yourself, and possibly Dur?

10.08.128

Zap: I don't know what that word means, but I'm taking it to mean something really great!

[Enter POB and a bunch of demons, along with ALICE.]

Pob: Heeeeere's Alice!

10.08.129

Charlie: [To Alice, concerned] Hello, dear! Are you quite all right?

10.08.130

Alice: I've been better. Bonald isn't quite the catch you might imagine -- between his x-ray vision and super sense of smell, there's not much privacy in the Private Pre-Wedding suite.

10.08.131

Austin : [Slightly alarmed] X-Ray vision! How terrible! [Glances at the others. To Alice] What did he see with his X-ray vision that he shouldn't have?

10.08.132

Alice: Apparently he doesn't like piercings!

10.08.133

Charlie: [Eyes Zap's bouquet fretfully] X-Ray vision?! How awkward. Is there anything he cannot see through?

10.08.134

Zap: [Hands the bouquet to Charlie, whispering] Remember, he won't be able to see the dagger.

Alice: Weirdly enough, just those x-ray specs that you get for a silver piece from ads at the back of comics. They mess up something internal for him.

10.08.135

Austin : So if we paint everything red or green he'll get messed up?

10.08.136

Alice: I don't know, Aus. I didn't have much chance to paint stuff, what with my fiance having his brain eaten, and all.

Pob: Enough chat! It is time for you all to be thrown out -- roughly!

10.08.137

Charlie: [To Alice] We cannot leave you alone! What will you do?

10.08.138

Harvey: Based on our intelligence, we suggest you paint him red and green, what?

10.08.139

Alice: Just give me my bouquet. [Looks at the disgusting knot of rags created by Zap and gives a huge smile] Aw! Roses!

10.08.140

Austin : Sorry, it's the best we could do. [Looks very sad]

10.08.141

Charlie: [Urgently] Yes, keep that bouquet with you at all times! Er, to remind you of us!

10.08.142

Alice: [Snatches the bouquet from Charlie] Maybe you'll be lucky Aus, and catch it when I throw it?

Pob: Impossible! They'll be too busy screaming in the Pits of [dramatically] Heal.

10.08.143

Charlie: [Relieved] That sounds surprisingly present! Why would we scream there?

10.08.144

Pob: [Sighs] I know, it's not a great name. It's supposed to heal you of life, you know? To kill you? [Looks at the party] Be honest, do you hate the name?

10.08.145

Charlie: [Narrows her eyes at Pob] Yes!

10.08.146

Harvey: Indeed, it sounds like something our Doctor might attempt! Perhaps you could heal me of hunger, instead, what?

10.08.147

Pob: Well, if you were dead, you'd no longer be hungry, right? I mean, come on, this is a cool name!

Alice: It's the stupidest name I've ever heard. When I'm married, I'll have you thrown into the [dramatically] Pit of Heal!

10.08.148

Clint: Sorry, but it's a terrible name. Call it the Killing Pit or something catchy like that instead. Which still sucks, but c'mon, "Pit of Heal?"

10.08.149

Austin : [Helpfully] You could call it 'the pit of Mr Scar', That sounds truly horrible. [Shudders at the thought]


;;;; out all day today

10.08.150

Harvey: Or the Pit of Lederhosen, what?!?


;;; half day to day apparently! see you monday!

10.08.151

Pob: You know what? Just for that, you're all going to be thrown in the Pit of Heal! [To the other demons] Grab them!

10.08.152

Sebastian: I actually like the name. It's so deceptive, quite like what you'd expect from demons. Perfect choice of name. But you can't kill us, that would go against the conditions for Alice marrying Bonald. Kill us, the wedding is off.

10.08.153

Charlie: [To the party, trying to escape the demons] Run! Look for an escape!


;;; That's it for me for the next while, possibly all for the day!

;;; Have a good weekend, guys!

10.08.154

Pob: I won't kill you. The pit will. Take them away!

[The party are dragged away kicking and screaming.]

Alice: Hey! What are you doing?

Pob: Holding up our end of the bargain -- they are being thrown out of the castle.


;;; End of scene, next one coming up on Monday, as I'm away today too!

10.09.001

[Book VIII, Act X, Scene IX. Beyond The Castle. AUSTIN, CHARLIE, CLINT, DUR, HARVEY, SEBASTIAN and ZAP are here, having just been thrown out through the huge, four foot thick doors. Outside stand an army of hungry and angry looking demons. The hungriest and angriest of all, BRIAN GRAZZLESPLATX, steps forward.]

Brian: Damned bridesmaids! You're all going to die horribly!

10.09.002

Sebastian: If we were bridesmaids we'd be inside for the wedding. Looks like you don't have to kill us then.

10.09.003

Brian: Nu-uh! We all saw it on the Gumbo Vision!

10.09.004

Clint: [Sagely.] You shouldn't believe everything you see on the Gumbo Vision.

10.09.005

Austin : I would not believe anything I saw on Gumbo Vision, it's all scripted.

10.09.006

Brian: So you willingly acted out a script for Bonald and The Mother?

10.09.007

Charlie: [Enthusiastically, with dramatic flourish] It's called ACTING!

10.09.008

Austin : Though, not willingly.

10.09.009

Harvey: Indeed - that was the 'acting' part, what? It was important to make the enemy believe we have capitulated, when in fact [Hopefully] we are about to formulate a master plan! Like I always say, lead 'em by the nose, then kick them in the ghoulies, what?

10.09.010

Brian: [Sceptically] So this is all an elaborate plan to overthrow Bonald?

10.09.011

Sebastian: If we said yes would you help us or kill us?

10.09.012

Dur: [Thoughtfully] I wonder if it is a wise move to reveal our master planbefore it has been executed...=

10.09.012

Clint: I'd settle for just letting us go!

10.09.013

Brian: We'd probably help you, but only after a show of good faith.

10.09.014

Sebastian: What would that need to be? And why would you want to help us overthrow Bonald, if that is what we are planning?

10.09.014

Austin : Certainly, did you have something in mind?

10.09.015

Clint: [Hopefully.] Something simple?

10.09.016

Austin : I could draw up a Memorandum of Understanding, or a Letter of Agreement, or any other legal document that you may require?

10.09.017

Harvey: Or a Covenant of Coitus, what?


;;; Harvey may be confused by what that might actually mean!

10.09.018

Charlie: [To Brian] Now, what would you require? [Quickly] And coitus is off the table!

10.09.019

Brian: Of course it is -- it'll be in the marriage bed! We want to overthrow Bonald because he is a disgusting dictator who has eaten the brains of anyone who has opposed him. If you really were acting, and you have some plan to overthrow him, we will work together. The show of good faith? [To Austin] It would be great if you could draft the Covenant of Coitus for it. [To the party in general] A marriage! It will unify our two tribes! My beautiful daughter is of marriage age -- which of you will be the lucky man?

10.09.020

Clint: Has your daughter by any chance always wanted to marry a doctor? Because if so, we have just the man for the job! [Claps Dur on the back.]

10.09.021

Charlie: [Excited] Oh, how splendid! Someone contractually obligated to love Dur!

10.09.022

Zap: Good for you, Doc! I'll be the best man, because, you know... I'm the best at everything!

10.09.022

Austin : Well that is a little unusual, but if both Dur and your daughter consent to sign a covenant of coitus, I can certainly arrange the documentation. [Gets out a ridiculously long quill and begins writing extravagantly in calligraphy.

10.09.023

Clint: Of course Dur agrees! How could he pass up the opportunity to marry a beautiful daughter?

10.09.024

Dur: Gah... What the hell! I certainly never said anything or the sor..... [Thinks] Would there be cake?

10.09.025

Brian: If by cake, you mean barely edible green mucus that grows at the bottom of a disgusting swamp and that smells worse than your friend [clearly means Clint] here, then yes, yes, there will be all the cake you can eat! [Gets a tear in his eye] Son!

10.09.026

Dur: [His stomach growls audibly] Errr... Well... The offer is certainly tempting.... But...errrr, we've had very bad luck with weddings lately, obvio= usly as you know from watching the Gumbo rubbish. What would the actual wedding entail?=20


;;; They are demons right?

10.09.027

Harvey: [Helpfully] I believe it involves getting married, Private!

10.09.028

Brian: Ah, it'll be great! Just a few quick words, a little kiss, lots of sex, and then, when you guys figure out how to get the doors to the castle open, we all charge in and kill them all.


;;; Right!

10.09.029

Clint: See, Doc? A quick ceremony, a delicious meal, a couple of minutes disappointing a woman, and voila!

10.09.029

Charlie: [To Dur, reassuringly] Not to worry! I shall give you an instructional sex book as part of my wedding gift to you.

10.09.030

Sebastian: [Hesitantly] I guess if Dur doesn't want to do I'll take one for the team. We have to save Alice after all.

10.09.031

Brian: Wow! Two suitors? Maybe we should have you fight to the death?

10.09.031

Austin : [To Sebastian] That surely makes you the Best Man! I'll make some additions to the documents to take this into account.


;;;awa hame

10.09.032

Zap: Hey! I'm the best man! [To Dur] Tell him, er, Jur, we're best friends, right?

10.09.033

Dur: [Frowning] More importantly, death is what we're trying to avoid! Isn't there a more peaceful way to settle this?=

10.09.034

Brian: Well, first comes first served [beams at Dur] son! Right, are we ready?

10.09.035

Dur: [Looking conflicted] Errrrr.. Well... Right? And we're sure there is no other way to save dear Alice?=

10.09.036

Charlie: [Encouragingly] Perhaps your wife will enjoy cooking! [Pats Dur on the head fondly and condescendingly] You would like that, wouldn't you?

10.09.037

Sebastian: I thought he liked eating spleens and livers raw, not cooked?

10.09.038

Brian: That's what she likes! This is gonna be great!

Zap: I love a good wedding. [Takes out a mouth organ and starts playing "Here Comes The Bride"]

[Enter SOPHIE VALENTINE, wearing a wedding dress that, frankly, has seen better days, as it is covered in all sorts of disgusting stains, along with a veil that covers her face. She walks up to DUR and stands beside him.]

Brian: I'll preside. Sophie Valentine, do you take this man to be your lawfully wedded husband, in sickness and in health, in life and in death, for all eternity.

Sophie: I sure do!

Brian: And do you, uh...

Zap: [Helpfully] Jur!

Brian: Jur, take this beautiful bride, to be yours forever?

10.09.039

Dur: It's Dur! [Looks around nervously and swallows hard] and... I guess so?=

10.09.039

Clint: Look, our Jur is all grown up!

10.09.040

Charlie: [Beaming] Oh, we shall personally witness Dur's first kiss! How sweet!

10.09.041

Zap: I promised myself I wouldn't cry! [Wipes away a tear]

Brian: You may kiss the bride.

[SOPHIE lifts her veil. She is, to put it kindly, a horrendous eyesore. She pulls herself up to her full seven feet height and pulls DUR towards her.]

Sophie: Come here, lover boy! [Gives him a huge kiss that leaves him gasping for air.]

<A href=http://www.queens-view.com/wiki/index.php/Sophie_Valentine>Sophie Valentine -- the blushing bride! </A>

10.09.042

Clint: You're a lucky man, doc!

10.09.043

Zap: [Visibly holding back a retch] Yeah, she's a catch!

10.09.044

Harvey: [Cheerfully] It looks like she has some horribly virrulent skin diseases - just think, Private, you might be the first to discover some of them!

10.09.045

Dur: Perhaps we should move on to the cake and follow that up with a good ol' fashioned castle stormin!=

10.09.046

Sebastian: Oh no Dur [pats him on the back] no castle storming until you've consummated your marriage.

10.09.047

Clint: [Nods.] Can't forget the sex. It's important for keeping your marriage alive!

10.09.048

Brian: No! They're married now -- no more sex!

10.09.049

Clint: [Slowly.] So... you're saying the last time Dur will have gotten screwed, it was by his own friends?

10.09.050

Austin : [Unfreezes after the shocking sight of Sophie] Perhaps we should get the documentation out of the way before everyone gets in to the party spirit! [Offers Dur and Sophie a pen and shows them where to sign] Congratulations!

10.09.051


;;; It's probably a bit early for Kevin...

[DUR signs the document with a shaky hand, while SOPHIE scrawls a huge X into it, almost tearing the document as she does so.]

Brian: This is so great! [To Dur] You're a lucky guy to have got the most beautiful of my daughters!

10.09.052

Charlie: [To Brian] And you are fortunate to have our Dur as a son-in-law! His utterly helplessness ensures that he will make a needy, attentive husband, ripe for hen-pecking! [Smiles at Dur fondly] It's charming, really. [Claps her hands] Now that the marriage is official, let us get to the task at hand at once.

10.09.053

Sophie: [Picks up Dur and slings him over her shoulder] Tell Sophie what plan is.

10.09.054

Austin : [Looks from Dur to Sophie to Charlie] I guess this is a girl thing. You do have a plan?

10.09.055

Dur: I plan on never walking anywhere again, does that count?

10.09.056

Last Kevin #55

Zap: Don't be crazy! [To Austin] Asking a girl for a plan? [Laughs out loud] Maybe if we needed help storming a curtain store, or a dress shop! We're about to destroy a castle with thousands of demons at our command -- man up, Austin!

10.09.057

Harvey: Well, Cadet, there was that time we faced the Mad Angry Women Of Menstrualand. Some of those handbags really hurt, what?

10.09.058

Sebastian: Handbags? Glad I missed that one. But if no more sex once married, how are they meant to have any offspring? Continue the family?

10.09.059

Dur: That's quite enough of that kind of talk! Let's just focus on getting Alice free and worry about my sexual obligations later, thanks!=

10.09.060

Brian: [Winks at Sebastian] Oh, they'll find a way. So, what do you need us to do?

10.09.061

Charlie: [All business] We need to rescue our colleague and stop Bonald. He has some sort of mind-control power, which is most unfortunate, but perhaps with enough manpower we can overwhelm him. Now, how many fighters can you provide for this rescue mission? And what resources.

10.09.062

Brian: We have thousands of demons to attack, several hundred Coochy-Coos and six unmarried daughters. The problem is, however, getting in!

10.09.063

Austin : [Helpfully] Have you tried the back door?

10.09.064

Dur: [Misunderstanding] Of course I haven't! We've only been married 15 minutes!=

10.09.065

Austin : [Looks at Dur thinking for a moment, then grimaces] Eeeew! Not you, not that, I mean our demon associates here, and the Castle! A back door to the castle!


;;;;; nasty!

10.09.065

Zap: I think he was talking to her!


;;; You people disgust me!!

Brian: This IS the back door. The front is even more well defended!

10.09.065

Clint: [Pauses a beat.] Excuse me while I try to get that image out of my head!


;;; I admit, I laughed.

10.09.066

Austin : [Alarmed] This is the back door! Does it have side doors perhaps? A conservatory? And open bathroom or kitchen window?


;;;awa hame

10.09.067

Brian: The door can only be opened from the inside!

10.09.068

Dur: Perhaps we can disguise ourselves as Sexy Penis and the demon horde asour groupies and say we are here to perform for the wedding? You know how = Alice adores Sexy Penis!


;;; Ha! Still pushing boundaries after all this time!

10.09.069

Harvey: Ah, yes but will we be able to bring Sexy Penis in the back door, Private?

10.09.070

Dur: [Thoughtfully] I think we can! As long as we ask them very nicely and promise that it won't hurt, they may just fall for it! Of course they'll pr= otest that we won't all fit, but we will assure them that we will, and theywon't realize our true intentions until it is too late and we're already i= nside!


;;; heh heh heh

10.09.071

Clint: Just checking, but we ARE talking about invading the castle and not about gay sex, right?


;;; Good lord, people! How far do you intend to push (ha!) this?

10.09.072

Dur: [Deadpan] What's the difference?


;;; As far (and hard) as we can! Ha!

10.09.072


;;; Heather is afk

Charlie: It doesn't have to be gay.

Zap: [Looks at the others, not a clue what they're talking about, until realization dawns] Haw! You're talking about Sexy Penis the band, but you're making it sound like anal sex. That's very funny! You're very funny, and very subtle.

Brian: We're demons from a different dimension who've never even heard of Sexy Penis, and WE got the joke!

Zap: [Now that the gauntlet has been thrown down by Dur] Well, [barely able to contain his excitement] we could always get Alice to open the door and then.... fuck her in the ass! [Beams at his cleverness and awaits applause]

10.09.073


;;; Who says QV can't do subtlety!

Charlie: Much as it pains me to admit it, Zap's plan isn't entirely awful. At least, the first part of it. The second? Well. I'm rather looking forward to Harvey punching you on the nose again.

10.09.073

Harvey: Um, probably not. Cadet, perhaps you should lie down, what? You may have been in the sun a little too much.

10.09.074

Clint: Can we get Gaul to give her a message Or will her horrible taste in underwear be a problem?

10.09.075

Dur: Perhaps you should give him a call. I bet he would like the Sexy Penisidea.

10.09.075

Zap: I've a better idea! We could give a message to Gaul, and then get him to give it to her!

10.09.076

Sebastian: What about grappling hooks? [Looks up the castle wall to see how high it is] We could try and climb the wall with ropes and sneak in through the roof. Or giant wooden ladders. A few go in, kill a few demons on the way to the door, then open the door from the inside for the army to storm in. [To Brian] Unless of course you know anyone who can perform a levitation spell, that would get rid of the need to ropes or ladders. [Starts to chuckle and mutters] Sexy Penis coming in Bonald's back door on his wedding day.


;;; You people are sick! I love it

10.09.077

Brian: The Coochy Coos can fly, but the castle is sealed. Don't you think if we could just climb in we already would have? Do you think we're idiots?

[Everyone is drawn to the sound of SOPHIE chewing on DUR's shoe.]

Brian: Er, yes, well, the point is, we have to get that door open.

10.09.078

Clint: Yeah, but not to worry... one of our friends is still in there.


;;; So I was going to say "We've got a man on the inside," but on the whole,

;;; better not.

10.09.079

Harvey: Indeed! Not to mention my niece, what?

10.09.080

Zap: Maybe we could get her to tell the girl getting married to open the gate? The problem is, how do we get a message to her? Think, Zap, think! Oh wait, that's right. Half an hour ago, I said we should get Gaul to do it!

10.09.081

Charlie: Do let us summon Gaul at once! Now, who has the orb?


;;; What a gyp! I missed all of the inappropriate sexual humor!

10.09.082

Zap: Which orb? The one that was used up when we first called? Or the other orb that [starts to tale off lamely] er, one of you guys has but hasn't told us about yet?

10.09.083

Charlie: [Crestfallen] Oh, right! [To Dur and Sebastian, hopefully] Have you any spells that might allow us to contact Gaul?

10.09.084


;;; Drew is out today

Sebastian: I'm afraid not -- and I don't think my magic even works in this dimension.

[There's a shimmer, and GAUL appears.]

Gaul: About to have a squall? You gotta call Gaul!

10.09.085

Dur; [Still slung over Sophie's shoulder] Well that was convenient timing! We need you to get another message to Alice?=

10.09.086

Gaul: [Big smile] Sure! Although, you know, this would be a great time to discuss the matter of my bill.

10.09.087

Dur: You'll have to submit that to our group's accountant! And she just happens to be Alice! She's good with numbers you know.=

10.09.088

Charlie: [Nods vigorously] Indeed, don't let her tawdry looks deceive you!


;;; Out for the next few hours!

10.09.089

Gaul: Will do! Now, what do I need to tell her?

10.09.090

Dur: Tell her we're waiting to enter from the rear of course!


;;; Now that Heather is out we can all commence with the sexual innuendo again!=

10.09.091

Harvey: And Sexy Penis is about to penetrate the back door!


;;; I have no idea what you mean...

10.09.091

Austin : Actually, if you could just let her know that I am prepared to enter through any orifice that she is able to open, I can take care of the rest.

10.09.092

Gaul: Right. So the plan is to penetrate from all directions?


;;; Yeesh, do you people really think that you need to wait for Heather

;;; to be away before commencing with your smutty talk???

10.09.093

Dur: Yes! And as fast and as hard as we can!


;;; Of course not! I just think it's funny when she misses all the anal sexjokes because I am mean like that! Ha!

10.09.094

Gaul: Understood. You guys had better be ready, because if she does get the doors open, Bonald will unleash hell on you.

10.09.095

Austin : [Turns to the demons] You demons all ready?

10.09.096

Brian: So, you guys lead the charge in the door, right? We'll follow in behind.

10.09.097

Austin : Of course. We are not the types to lead from behind, [To Harvey] Are we colonel?


;;;;awa hame

10.09.098

Harvey: Indeed we are! Private Scar, you are on point, what? Make ready to breach the back door!

10.09.099


;;; Tom is out too

Clint: [Flexes his right foot] I've got my best door kicking boot on!

Brian: [Points at a huge TV set that, rather inexplicably appears to be made out of soup] We can watch on that. The wedding is being broadcast to the entire dimension, so we'll be able to see when she unlocks the door. Although, I hope she'll be able to do it without Bonald seeing, as he can control everything in the castle with the power of his mind.


;;; End of scene, next one coming up tomorrow

10.10.001

[Book VIII, Act X, Scene X. Outside the castle. AUSTIN, CHARLIE, CLINT, DUR (sitting on SOPHIE's lap), HARVEY, SEBASTIAN and ZAP are here, along with BRIAN and a horde of heavily armed demons. The party have all been equipped with reasonable armour and weapons. They have a great view of the Gumbo Vision. It flicks into life and shows BONALD, waiting at the altar of a huge church with hundreds of other demons and YTGs gathered around in suits, watching. We cut to a shot of ALICE, wearing an outrageously huge and suspiciously white meringue wedding dress, carrying the bouquet given to her by the party.]

Brian: Everyone get ready, she's about to pass by the door, hopefully she'll get a chance to open it for us! As long as Bonald is distracted, she should be fine. We'll need to get in straight away, because, remember, he's part of the world, so he'll shut it right away and try to stop us.

10.10.001

Harvey: [With a mouth ful of golden honeyd locusts] Hmmph? Hmph hm m hmphhmph!

10.10.002

Austin : Hopefully he has had a drink or two and his mind is not what it was.

10.10.003

Brian: Here it comes! Here it comes!

[ALICE passes the doorway, but makes no attempt to open it, instead continuing in through the castle.]

Zap: What the hell? Is her female brain too puny to understand the plan?

10.10.004

Charlie: [Offended] It is not that she is female, rather that she is not terribly bright! [Quickly] Though, to be fair, perhaps she is in Bonald's thrall.

10.10.004

Austin : Perhaps our lawyer did not get our message to her in time. [Ponders] or maybe Bonald is controlling her dress?

10.10.005

Brian: It does seem to be pulling her along!

[The scene on Gumbo Vision changes to the church, and ALICE proceeds down the aisle, as the various demons and YTGs dab their eyes, overcome with emotion at this wondrous occasion. She gets to the altar, where POB and BONALD are waiting.]

Alice: [To Bonald] I brought you one of those warm carrots you like so much.

Brian: [To the party] This is almost as beautiful as Dur and Sophie's wedding!

10.10.006

Austin : [Examining the congregation on Gumbo vision] I wonder who dealt with their legal papers?

10.10.007

Dur: [Feeding aur douvres to Sophie as he watches the wedding] Perhaps we should be more concerned with what we're going to do now. I wonder if our li= ttle demon attorney would consider opening the door himself?

10.10.008

Sebastian: Maybe she told someone else to do it for her. Let's try it now. Plus, she couldn't exactly do it herself with the camera watching her, everyone would have seen her open it then.

10.10.009

Austin : Our Attorney is no corporal in this dimension, and hence it would be difficult for him to open the door. Also, I believe that he wanted to discuss payment, but appears to have left without completing that little chat.

10.10.010

Zap: I thought Alice was going to discuss that with him?


;;; That's what Gaul agreed in 10.09.089

Brian: [Tries the door] Gah! It's locked!

[ALICE gets to the altar on the Gumbo Vision.]

Pob: Do you, Bonald Lucifer Hades Dominic Heath Tom Kevin John Drew Rump II take this human female to be joined with you, as long as she lives and as long as you still want her to be?

Bonald: Yessiree Pob!

10.10.011

Dur: Well we need to do something before she's legally bound into a marriage with that scoundrel! Perhaps we can disrupt the wedding somehow?=20

10.10.012

Sebastian: We could knock on the door, very loudly, and see if they open it to see who is knocking, then storm in. [Doesn't wait for an answer, and starts knocking very loudly on the door, somehow]

10.10.013

[A tiny window opens and TAREK, the YTG who warned the party that "their god had lost control" in the previous act, looks out.]


;;; See 09.07.080

Tarek: Hey! Can't you see the Gumbo Vision? We're having a wedding here!

Pob: And do you, Alice Prudence Basset-Short agree to be joined with this arch-demon-overlord as long as he wants you to be?

Alice: Yes I do.

Pob: Then, by the power invested in me by Mr. Rump, and The Ludosity Corporation, I declare you arch-demon-overlord and Mother.

[The congregation burst into applause.]

10.10.014

Dur: [Sees Tarek and is obviously confused for a moment] We're here to see the wizard! No... Wait that's not right! What are we here for again?=

10.10.015

Charlie: [Wails] We were here to save Alice, but we're too late! Oh, WHY didn't she open the door?!

10.10.016

Tarek: She's married now! She will rule Ludosity alongside The Bonald. Long live the Mother! And you, you lucky people, you'll get to see her eating all those babies on Gumbo Vision!

Pob: You may now kiss The Mother.

[BONALD leans in for a kiss, only for ALICE to slash his throat with ZAP's knife. BONALD falls back with a cry of pain and showers her white dress with blood. All the demons in the congregation give a similar cry of pain as ALICE turns and runs.]

Tarek: [Also giving a cry of pain] Holy crap! What has she done? What has she done?

[ALICE disappears from sight in the Gumbo Vision, and the door clicks open.]

10.10.017

Harvey: She may be having warm feet, what? Or was that cold hands?

10.10.017

Charlie: [Delighted] Hurrah! Come along, group and horde! [Heads for the open door]

10.10.018


;;; There's only one person who can really open the door!

Clint: [Boots the doors open] Let's crash this wedding!

[Inside the doors are dozens of demons that had recently been taunting the party. All of them now look smaller and weaker than before. Amongst them are several Yellow Tie Guys, including TAREK.]

Tarek: You bastards!

10.10.019

Last from Conor $18

Clint: [Shrugs.] Don't look at us! We didn't have anything to do with it!

10.10.020

Charlie: [To Tarek] Surrender, or pay the consequences! [Glances around] And where is Alice?!

10.10.021

Tarek: [To the cowering YTGs and demons] Kill them! Kill them all!

[They all charge at the party and their allies, waving swords and whatever weapons come to hand.]

10.10.022

Clint: Well why didn't you say so? Haw! [Goes to do exceedingly unpleasant things to the opposition, waving whatever weapon comes to hand.]


;;; I know we're all kitted up, but hey.

10.10.023

Harvey: [Throws the golden honeyed locust at the enemy] Take that you blaggards!

10.10.024

Charlie: [Attacks Tarek] Where is Alice?!

10.10.025

[The party engage, with all but HARVEY inflicting damage on various demons. CHARLIE slashes TAREK across the chest and he staggers back.]

Tarek: You'll never find her! Once The Bonald recovers, he will tame her!

10.10.026

Austin : [To the party] We had better make sure he never recovers! [Shoots Tarek or the nearest demon]

10.10.027

Clint: Well, we can't do that while we're screwing around with these guys! [Tries to force a path so the party can get to Alice.]

10.10.028

[AUSTIN fires a bullet that lodges right in TAREK's eye, knocking him to the ground, while CLINT starts to cut a swathe through the demon horde towards the church, out of which steps POB, looking panicked.]

Pob: Where the hell is she?

10.10.029

Sebastian: [Attacks any and all enemies that get close enough] Can't we all just get along?

10.10.030

[SEBASTIAN slices a nearby demon's head off, as the party fight their way towards POB, who starts to back away.]

Pob: The Bonald will soon recover! And then you will all suffer like no one has ever suffered before!

10.10.031

Harvey: Well we should make sure he cannot recover, what? [Attacks a YTG]

10.10.032

[HARVEY cuts the unfortunate YTG clean in half, as the party continue their bloody rampage.]

Pob: Never! We're too strong for you! [Turns and runs]


;;; The party are killing demons at will now, so you can include killings

;;; in your posts. The more bloody and outrageous, the better!

10.10.033

Clint: Yeah, you better run! But let's not get [huge emphasis] ahead of ourselves! [Bisects a demon's head, at about eye level.] Haw! Hey, doc, I saved you some dinner!


;;; I figure, we probably owe him one!

10.10.033

Harvey: [Attacks a fleeing YTG, cleaving him all the way up his back] How's *that* for coming in the back door, what?!?

10.10.034

Charlie: [Gleefully kabobs a YTG] Oh, how marvelous!

10.10.034

Dur: [Riding on Sophie's shoulders like she was a war-horse and carrying two blades he cuts the heads off a YTG and Demon on each side as he and Sophi= e wade through the battle] Can I get an order of fries with that?!

10.10.035

Sophie: [Smashing two demon heads together, fracturing their skulls] This is the greatest honeymoon ever!

Zap: [Slicing a demon off at the knees as the party reach the church door] Hah! And now to rescue the damsel!

10.10.035

Last from Kevin 34

Harvey: [Chops off a demon's fingers] There you are, Private!


;;; Dammit, now I'm hungry!

10.10.036

Last from John 35

Sebastian: [Cleaves a demon in half from the groin up over, grabbing its sword, before it hits the ground] If only my magic would work here, I'd BBQ the lot of you! [Guts a YTG while beheading a nearby demon]

10.10.037

Zap: Zap to the rescue! [Kicks the door open]

[The aisle is completely empty, and there is no sign of BONALD. There is, however, a trail of blood leading from the spot where he was so cruelly stabbed to a closed door.]

Brian: Be careful! That's his library! He can read any book in less than two minutes, he's probably in there plotting revenge right now!

10.10.038

Clint: That bastard! He's going to make Alice read a book!

10.10.039

Harvey: Indeed, Private, the enemy is often heinous in its crimes, what? After all, that's why they're the enemy! [Quietly] Now, Troop, we must be silent as ghosts and stealthy as shadows. [Loudly so everyone can hear] Everyone got that, Troop?!?

10.10.040

Austin : [Shoots a demon in mouth, it's brains exploding out the back of it's head] Yes, we heard you colonel!

10.10.041

Zap: Well, come on, then! [Heads into the church]

10.10.042

Charlie: [Swooning] Ooooh, a library! My GOD, it's been a long time. [Follows Zap into the church]

10.10.043

Dur: [Spurring Sophie to follow] Hi-ho Sophie!

10.10.044

Harvey: Alice! What have they done to you?!? [Viciously attacks a demon, continuing even after it lies in several pieces, then roams around looking for Alice]

10.10.045

Austin : We must find Bonald, to stop him from recovering, else none of us will live!

10.10.046

Sophie: [Charges into the church] Where now? Little Man?

[The trail of blood clearly leads to the room identified by BRIAN as the library.]

10.10.047

Austin : [Swifty follows the bloody trail, slingshot at the ready] Quickly!

10.10.048

[The party get to the door of the library, where the blood trail stops.]

10.10.049

Charlie: [Tries to open the door] Alice! Are you all right?!

10.10.050

Dur: [Frowning down at Sophie] We may have to put some thought into a better pet name, dear!=

10.10.051

[The door swings open to reveal a huge room. Off to one side are the vats of (still living) babies that the party spotted earlier, but everyone's attention is drawn to the sight of ALICE, sitting in the middle of a huge room, dress covered in blood and bits of brain, apparently eating BONALD's brain directly from his head. BONALD, now quite dead, clearly died in agony.]

10.10.052

Charlie: [Shocked] Alice! What ARE you doing?! That can't be sanitary! [Races to try and stop Alice's brain-eating]

10.10.052

Austin : [Massively relieved] Yeah Alice! Well done [Runs over to Alice and gives her a big hug] Are you okay? [Sees Alice eating brains] Taking the revenge thing quite seriously I see.

10.10.053

Dur: That never stopped me!

10.10.054

Sebastian: Sometimes one must do an act of unsavory natures in the name of good. Is there anywhere to barf?

10.10.055

Alice: [Keeps eating even as Austin hugs her] That's right. Sometimes, good people have to do bad things. Bonald said that this is the only way to truly defeat someone.


;;; Yes he did! 10.07.010

10.10.056

Charlie: [Looking nauseated] Yes, but one assumes he was referring to folklore, not fact!

10.10.057

Alice: [Scoops out the last bit, which is particularly disgusting looking] Maybe, but it's best to be sure.

Brian: Er, you do know that she now has all of Bonald's power, right?

10.10.056

Austin : [Looking a little queasy] Well, excellent, perhaps we should proceed with rescuing the babies?

10.10.058

Austin : Yes, that was the implication was it not?

10.10.058

Sebastian: The thought did cross my mind

10.10.059

Charlie: [Excited] How thrilling! Oh, Alice, think of all the good you can do with that power!

10.10.059

Alice: [With dead eyes, looking like a total psycho] Good idea, Aus. Let me just eat a couple first, I'm still a bit peckish.

[Everyone looks horrified.]

Alice: [Laughs] Only joking!

Brian: I guess... but do you really want to take an arch demon back to your own dimension?

10.10.060

Alice: I don't want it. I don't want any part of Bonald.

10.10.060

Austin : If the Arch-demon is Alice, then certainly. We love her very much, and could never leave her here! [To the others] Could we!

10.10.061

Harvey: [A little evilly] Well she could certainly exact her vengeance on this realm, what?


;;; Sorry! Got called away from my desk!

10.10.062

Zap: [Looks at the glint in Harvey's eye] Yeeeah. She would have virtually limitless power in a world that's already teetering on the brink, so, well, we'd probably end up having to kill her.

Alice: No need. I'm going to give it away. [To Brian] Every non-Bonald associated living thing in this dimension gets an equal share. Except... [looks at the party] I think my friends might benefit too. Austin, you get Bonald's ability to plant a thought in someone's mind. Charlie, his ability to find things in books super fast. Clint, his fantastic sense of smell. Dur, his x-ray vision. Harvey, you can choke someone with your mind. Seb, his ability to detect hidden weapons.

Zap: [Excited] What do I get?

Alice: Satisfaction at not being killed for saying that I'm fat.


;;; Here are where Bonald either used the abilities, or where

;;; someone spoke about them

;;;

;;; Aus - thought in someone's mind 10.08.053

;;; Cha - Can find things in books super fast 10.10.037

;;; Clint - Smell 10.08.130

;;; Dur - X-ray 10.08.130

;;; Har - Choke someone with power of mind? 10.07.043

;;; Seb - Detect weapons 10.08.030

10.10.063

Dur: Wow! Thanks Alice! I'll consider it a wedding gift!

10.10.063

Charlie: [Super-excited] Oh, Alice! It's a dream come true! [Goes to give Alice a huge hug]

10.10.063

Harvey: That's a pretty good deal, Cadet, eh? You should feel sorry for Private Scar - his own odour will seem much more powerful with his new sense of smell, and he has to smell that constantly, what?

10.10.064

Alice: [Unperturbed at the fact that now both Austin and Charlie have blood and brain bits on them from the hug] My pleasure. Now, let's get the hell out of here. [To Sophie] He'll be back. [Dramatically] He has a world to save. [Stands up] Come on, let's get the hell out of here. I have one last piece of power. [Waves her hand, and a swirling portal opens up]

Sophie: Little Man! [With a tear in her eye] I'll wait for you! We'll raise our children together!

10.10.065

Sebastian: Wow Alice, thanks! [After Sophie speaks] The babies! We can't leave without them!

10.10.066

Dur: [Sadly, patting Sophie's head as he is still perched on her shoulder] There, there Dear, it shouldn't take too long!=

10.10.067

Austin : [Dabbing a tear from his eye] Why thank you Alice, I think that is the nicest thing anyone has every given me. I feel a shopping spree coming on, perhaps you would care to join me, once we have saved the world, naturally.


;;; the blogger never seems to work for me, does the link on the

website work for anyone else?

10.10.068


;;; Sure you're looking at the right place?

;;;

;;; Just click the image on the front page:

;;;

;;; http://www.queens-view.com/Resources/curr.html

Sophie: Sophie hurt here. [Punches her heart]

[The party pull the vats of babies towards the portal and walk off into it, its red glow making it look like they are walking off into the sunset.]

Alice: I could really do with a ham right now!


;;; End of Book VIII, Act X. Next one come up on Monday!

10.10.069

Austin : [Sad at remembering Deuce. To Alice] Deuce is with you now I guess?


;;; ah yes, click on the big picture Dom! Must be home time - have a

good weekend everyone!

10.10.070

Clint: Huh. Does that mean that someone, somewhere, in this dimension has a sudden ability to live on ham and ham alone?