[Book VIII, Act IX, Scene I. Pinky's Carriage. ALICE, AUSTIN, CHARLIE, CLINT, DUR, HARVEY, SEBASTIAN and PINKY (driving) are here, heading towards Apraxia. The carriage has slowed because DEUCE appears to be walking along the middle of the road, loaded down with weapons, heading in the direction of Queens View.]

Pinky: [To the party] Will I knock him down?

Alice: Hey! He's my fiance!

Pinky: So... will I knock him down?


Dur: Lets find out what's going on THEN knock him down, eh?


Austin : Probably best not. With all of those sword that he's carrying, you may get a puncture.


Clint: Haw! A real man only needs one sword anyway!


Alice: You brutes! [Leaps off the carriage] Deucie! Deucie! What are you doing?

Deuce: I'm going to kill Amelia Sawtell-Wallace.


Charlie: [Goes to join Deuce and Alice] You can't be serious, Deuce! You are NOT a murderer! What did this Sawtell-Wallace person do to you?


Deuce: She's the one who has the books!


Dur: Good enough for me! Lets get her and eat all her food!!! Err.... What books?=


Charlie: [Horrified] She's a book thief?! Oh, the lowest of the low! What did she take from you, poor thing?


Sebastian: "THE" books Charlie! The ones with that language the prophecy was written in. Want some help Deuce?

;;; gone in 30 minutes for the rest of the day


Deuce: I sure do, Seb. Getting hold of the weapons and hams has been no problem, but a carriage and grappling hook are not easy things to round up at 6:30 on a Friday afternoon in Apraxia.


Austin : Well we can certainly provide the carriage. [Smiles]


Sebastian: Took the words right out of my mouth Aussie


Charlie: [Delighted] Oh, how thrilling! You've located the books! [To Pinky] You haven't a grappling hook, by chance?


Pinky: What? Do you think I just travel around with the kind of equipment that can be used for breaking into places? [To the party] Is that what you think of me?


Clint: Hell, if you don't, we can make one from one of Deuce's spare swords!


Charlie: [Wryly] Well, you ARE employed by my husband, after all. Only a few of you are known for your baking and sewing skills.


Pinky: Yeah, okay, I do have one. It's there, [points to an adorable looking pink sewing basket] in my, er, weapons box.


Sebastian: So, we help get the books back, then we find out who baked Will's cake. Right?

;;; That's it from me for today guys.

;;; Won't be here Monday either.

;;; See you all Tuesday.


Alice: Right! And Deuce, whatever you heard about me and the Sexy Penis guys, it's not true, I promise!

Deuce: Huh? I didn't hear anything about you and Sexy Penis guys.

Alice: [Tearing up because she's so moved at his generous spirit] You're the best fiance ever! [Hugs Deuce]


Charlie: [Watches Alice and Deuce with a sigh] Yes. [To Pinky] I'm afraid we need to take the carriage. Be a good man and let Mr. Sotot know where we have gone and why. Tell him I'll be home as soon as I can!


Austin : [To Pinky on Charlie's behalf] Please.


;;; Bank holiday today so no posting from Europe -- except Dom!!!


:( no hols 4 me


Blah! You Irish and your random "yeah, we're taking the first Monday of the month off, just because!" I cannot tell you how many times I went to work on a bank holiday only to find out that we had a day off in honor of nothing in particular. Very frustrating!


Pinky: Uh, I guess I'll just walk then?


Charlie: [To Pinky, brightly] Good idea! The fresh air will do you a world of good.


Pinky: [Sighs heavily, and trudges off down a side road, head hanging] Okay.

Deuce: Let's go kill HARMA! Let's kill 'em all before they destroy The Books.


Austin : An excellent idea. How many of them are there?


Deuce: Four, but there's one in particular that's irreplaceable. Want some ham?


Charlie: [Wrinkles her nose at the ham] Focus, Deuce, focus! Tell me about this irreplaceable book at once.


Alice: Hang on, there are only four HARMA guys? Why do you need so many weapons?

Deuce: No, there are four books. There are hundreds of HARMA guys! [To Charlie] Puddin' Pop, it's a book that's so rare even the legends about it only exist as myths in other legends!


Charlie: [Absently fanning herself, crazily excited] Oh, Deuce, how thrilling! What IS this extraordinary book? Oh, I MUST see it!


Austin : [Looking concerned at Charlie's flirting with Deuce, glances to see if Alice has noticed] This could all get very messy. Very messy indeed.


Alice: [Nods at Austin] It could get very messy, Charlie goes crazy when there are books involved!

Deuce: [Dramatically] I think one was a Fatebook.

;;; Unless you've heard otherwise from me in the last few minutes, your

;;; character has no idea what that is.


Charlie: Ooooh, what's a Fatebook?!


Alice: Well, actually, Charlotte, I think you'll find that it's called [emphasis] the Fatebook. Isn't that right, Deucie?

Deuce: No, it's a Fatebook. [Looks around the party excitedly] It's a book that describes people who are on The Path and how far they've gotten!


Charlie: [Impressed] How interesting! And terribly well organized! [Eagerly] Did you get a look at this Fatebook?! Was I in it?


Austin : We should prepare for some serious disappointment.


Deuce: I don't know -- I didn't even know what it was until this morning!


Sebastian: So who writes the Fatebooks? [To the party] Any of you guys heard of them before?


Dur: Nope! The question is what does HARMA want with it?


Austin : As always, information is power. They will know the name of everyone on the Path, and how far they have progressed. [Shudders. Pauses, then lights up a cigarette in a ridiculously long holder]


Deuce: [Ducking to avoid being poked in the eye with the cigarette] Either that or to destroy it, Aus! They're so ignorant that they won't even know what they have!

Harvey: Nor did you, eh? Eh?

Deuce: Well... that's true, but it's not like I was going to destroy it or anything!


Charlie: [Intrigued] How did you come to learn about the nature of this particular book, Deuce?


Deuce: Research, Puddin' Pop, research! There was a symbol on the front that I'd never seen before, so once they had taken everything off me, I went in search to see what I could find out about it.


Charlie: [Dreamily] How wonderfully exciting! [Briskly] Quickly, where are the books being held? We must rescue them!


Deuce: They're in Queens View, at HARMA HQ. We hit 'em, and we hit 'em hard. Kill every last one of them before they get to burn the Fatebook.


Charlie: Though I agree in principle, perhaps a less homicidal approach is needed. You did say there were hundreds of them, did you not? Don't you have any friends on the inside who might help us sneak inside?


Deuce: [Thinks] Huh, not really, and there is that big "Not Wanted" poster of me up outside.


Clint: Hell, I'm fine with Deuce's plan, but maybe we should sneak in? What we need are clever disguises!


Sebastian: Maybe a diversion wouldn't go amiss either


Austin : We could try the old giant golden unicorn trick again. It worked last time [Smirks]


Alice: Clever disguises would be great! We could pretend we're scientists! We can all wear glasses and white coats and put our hair up in buns, and then, just at the last minute, Deuce can take it down and pull of my glasses and say "My God... you're beautiful!" [Sigh]

Deuce: [To Austin] Great idea. Where is the unicorn now?


Austin : Indeed, that is the problem. We would have to build one. Perhaps we could simply spread a rumor, that some one is going to slaughter a real unicorn in a nearby town?

;;;awa hame


Dur: I might be able to sculpt a unicorn out of stone if anyone has any gold paint!


Charlie: [To Austin, puzzled] And that would induce people to build a large, hollow unicorn for us?


Clint: Money?


Alice: [Looks at Clint] What? Are you begging now?


Sebastian: Or me and Dur could put on some kind of display using our magic to get HARMA's attention while the rest of you sneak in?


Charlie: That's a good idea, but we cannot split the party. What if the two of you were attacked? You would be helpless, and Dur would likely soil himself.



Dur: [Crossing his arms] I suppose you have a better idea?!


Clint: We go in at night, pretending to be the janitors?


Alice: [Looks at Dur] Ew! Did you just soil yourself?


Sebastian: Getting them to try and attack us is the idea. Draw them out in to the open, and either you guys sneak in, or we ambush them. Use me and Dur as bait. Failing that, if Dur does soil himself the smell will likely incapacitate HARMA. We'll be fine though, we're with him everyday so we're immune to his odors.


Alice: This is HARMA HQ, right? There will be hundreds of them there! Stinky's idea is way better.


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Harvey: Right! [Frowns] Um, if Dur has soiled himself, then which "Stinky" are we referring to?



Austin : Perhaps we can talk about the mission at hand, not soiling. We do not have much time, so perhaps Alice's fantastic idea of disguising ourselves as janitors and casually sauntering in the evening is best. I will pose as the manager of the janitorial company, inspecting his staffs work. [Straightens his cuff]

;;; limited posting today


Charlie: [Clearly annoyed] That is a wonderful suggestion, Mr. Sleaze, with one slight modification. Naturally, I shall be the manager. We're agreed? [Not waiting for an answer] Wonderful! [To Pinky] Have you any janitorial dress you could loan us? Perhaps something inherited from your mother?


[Alas, PINKY is gone, sloping off, lonely and dejected.]

Alice: Why don't we all just put on our saucy French maid dresses?


Charlie: [Sighs, spotting Pinky in the distance] Good help is SO hard to find! [To Alice] Do be serious. Surely Harvey and Sebastian have no such dresses!


Harvey: Quite. Besides which, an officer should never be out of his uniform. Makes bathtime a little bit awkward, but needs must, what?


Alice: Maybe they could borrow some from Clint and Austin?

;;; Kevin's away for the next few days, so please keep

;;; him off the list


Austin : [To Charlie] Very well, you may be the manager. I shall be the CEO.


Charlie: [Gasps, then composes herself] Fine. Then [enormous, childish emphasis] I shall be the Chairman of the Board of Directors, with both the power to set your duties and fire you, should you fail to complete your duties satisfactorily!


Harvey: Hmm, I suppose that makes me the regulatory body, with the power to shut the whole operation down, what? Now, move out, Troop!


Last from John 67

Alice: [Jealously watching the exchange] Well, I'm going to be the Queen of Burma!!=


Charlie: [Embarrassed] Yes, well, the Colonel is quite right. We really should get moving. Who knows when those books might be burned?!


Deuce: [Starts up the horses] We can probably secure some disguises when we get there -- but be warned, there's going to be a huge amount of security.

;;; Stuck in a meeting for at least 2 hours!


Charlie: [Dismissively] Oh, we are well used to dealing with the likes of HARMA! [Muses] Though they DID kill me when last we met. . . .

;;; Poor Conor!


Alice: Damned HARMA. They employ nothing but scumbags! Scumbags and wasters! Oh, and Deucie!

[The carriage zooms off towards Queens View.]

;;; End of scene, next one coming up


[Book VIII, Act IX, Scene II. Approaching Queens View. ALICE, AUSTIN, CHARLIE, CLINT, DUR, HARVEY, SEBASTIAN and DEUCE are here in the carriage.]

Alice: Will it be easy to find the HARMA HQ?

Deuce: [Points to the huge pillar of smoke coming from the town] Hopefully it'll be the one that's on fire!


Charlie: [Gasps] Not the books! Hurry, group! We must save them!


Austin : Perhaps we should disguise ourselves as firemen. I can pass as a fire safety inspector, all be it an incredibly well dressed one.


Sebastian: Whatever we do we better hurry or else we will have made this trip for nothing.


Alice: [To Austin] Yeah? Well... I'm going to be the chairman of the firemen!

[The carriage continues towards the town. It does indeed appear to be the HARMA building that's on fire. There's a HARMA officer at the gates to the town, BARRY GOODBAR. He's keeping one eye on the fire and one on the road that the party are approaching from.]

Alice: Yikes, this guy's eyes are pretty freaky!


Charlie: Quickly, have we any disguises about? If not, perhaps we just need to rush past the gates!


Alice: Deuce has a shiny red fireman's helmet! [Gives Deuce a saucy wink]

Deuce: [Irritated] No I don't! Why would I have something like that? Come on, think!

;;; Kevin's on holidays

Dur: Maybe one of us could have his face painted red and make a kind of neenaw sound?


Harvey: No, I can't think of any reason why you would have a shiny red fireman's helmet, what? However, my niece says you have one, so that must be the case, what? Now, hand it over. [Holds out his hand expectantly]


Austin : Well, if we can all find some buckets, water and perhaps a hosepipe or two, we will at least look as if we could put a fire out.


Dur: [Busily painting his face red with "Slut Red" lipstick] I think there's a big colonic irrigation kit in the back, maybe that would do?

Alice: Hey! Is that my lipstick?

Dur: [Defensively] I thought you wouldn't want it back after I ate the top of it.

;;; Out for 40 mins


Austin : That must be one huge kit if it is going to pass for a fireman hose [Shudders. Takes a look at the kit]


[It's actually two huge kits.]


Charlie: [Shudders] I do NOT want to know why we have those! [Takes a hose gingerly] I'm not sure how convincing this will be, but I suppose a fire is a time for panic!


Austin : [Passes the other hose and pump to Clint] These already have liquid in them! Well I guess we are probably better equipped for fire fighting than the HARMA.


Sebastian: [To Deuce] Any idea where the book will be in there?


;;; Sorry Tom, I have to go for it...

Clint: [Sniffs the hose and smiles] Mmm! Nice!

Deuce: Probably in the middle of the fire! Come on! [Drives towards the gate]

Barry: [Steps in front of the carriage] Halt! Who goes there?


Sebastian: Fireman Sam [Points to Charlie] and her Queens View Fire Brigade Volunteer Battery. We're here to put out that fire [Points towards the HARMA HQ building]


Austin : [To Clint] Quickly fireman Scar, dowse that man to prevent him from catching alight! [Points at Barry]


Dur: Nee-naw! Nee-naw!

Barry: Great! Our HARMA boys are bravely fighting the fire, they could use your help!

[A flood of screaming HARMA Officers rush passed, fleeing not only the burning building but the town.]


Austin : [Watching the HARMA running away] That must be quite a fire. Let's move it people!


Harvey: [Without a hint of sarcasm] Indeed, their bravery is most impressive. As is the speed with which they are able to cover ground, what? They are running at quite a pace!


Deuce: To the books! [Leaps out of the carriage and trips, knocking himself out has he does]

Alice: Deucie!

[Enter CHOCO LATAY, a HARMA Officer.]

Choco: Hey! What are you people doing here?


Sebastian: Queens View Fire Brigade Volunteers Battery. We're here to put out that fire. [Points to the fire] Out of the way please.


Choco: How do I know that you're the real Fire Brigade?


Sebastian: What reason would we have to lie about something like that? Don't be a fool man, the more time we waste here the more damage that fire is doing! Besides, if we weren't the real fire brigade you'd have two lots of people showing up to fight this fire.


Charlie: [Nods emphatically] Quite right. In any case, why would mere civilians carry hoses of this nature?!


Clint: Now get out of the way! Don't be the guy who fiddled around while HARMA burned!


Choco: How do I know you're not part of the attack?

Alice: [To Clint] Show him how powerful the hose is!

;;; Gone for the day!


Clint: Right! A demonstration it is... [Turns the hose towards Choco.]


Austin : What attack? If we had known that there was an attack I certainly would not have endangered our beloved fire fighting force! [Sighs] Oh well, we are here now, we may as well put the fire out.

;;;awa hame


Sebastian: Yeah, who would want to attack HARMA HQ and have the balls to actually do it?


On 11 May 2012 09:49, Marc-Andrew Hunnam Nicholas

Harvey: Indeed! Everyone loves HARMA, what? [To the party] If only we had some "I LOVE HARMA" flags to wave enthusiastically, eh?


Barry: You certainly don't sound like fire fighters. [Gives the party a real close look]

[CLINT turns the hose on BARRY, soaking him in some sort of disgusting liquid that we can only hope is dirty water.]

Barry: Glug! Something stinks about this, and it's not just me, but go on, you can go in!


Austin : [To the party] Full steam ahead! We have a fire to fight!


Alice: What about Deuce?

[DEUCE is knocked out cold, and clearly won't come to for a while. However, he seems unharmed, and is a safe distance from the fire.]


Harvey: Hmmm, he looks in a bad way. We should bring him into the burning building with us, to keep him safe, what? No man left behind and all that!


Charlie: Best tuck him in an alleyway FAR from the fire, Colonel, just to be safe! And then let us hurry!


Austin : Let's put Deuce in the carriage, it may save time later.


Alice: But it's so cold!

Deuce: [Wakes up] Look, just put me in the carriage! [Falls unconscious again]


Austin : [Tries to pull Deuce into the carriage by his arm, but fails to move him] Could I have some help please? Must I do everything myself?


Alice: What are you even trying to do? I thought we were going to bring him in with us?

Deuce: [Wakes up again] Oh for God's sake! [Climbs into the carriage] There! [Falls unconscious]

Alice: So he's NOT coming with us? Huh. Okay.


Charlie: Splendid! Now that that's sorted, let us save those books!


Alice: Great! [Thinks] Although, what are we saving them from? This place is supposed to be under attack, right?


Sebastian: Maybe Petsy had a really bad curry last night?


Charlie: [To Sebastian, haughtily] I can assure you, Pestilence is NOT behind this. He would never burn a book!


Dur: Would he burn a HARMA?


Harvey: A HARMA officer who was holding a book?


Charlie: [Uncertainly] Well, he was never exactly fond of HARMA, less so after one of them killed me. [Defensively] But just the same, I am SURE this was not him!


Sebastian: What if he didn't know about the book? Or beat us here and already has the book? [Heads closer] Are we actually putting this fire out?


Austin : [To Seb] No! We are here for the books, the fireman story is just our cover story.


Charlie: Well, unless MUST put out the fire to reach the books, of course!


Barry: But what if whoever has attacked those nice HARMA people also attacks us?


Barry: That makes sense. What books?


Charlie: [To Barry] You needn't worry about that. That's just fireman talk! Now, we really must get to work, so do leave us to it!


Barry: Okay. [Makes no move to leave]


Austin : [Taking some notes on his note pad] Right, come on firemen, we are way behind schedule. I do not want to have to write a bad report. Let's get moving.


Barry: Where's my helmet?

;;; Gone for the weekend!


Clint: [Thinking quickly.] It's in the carriage on the floor, I think.


Sebastian: Come on everyone, we're wasting time [Heads closer to the fire] We've a building save pronto!


Austin : [To Seb] We must get the people out first! You really need to concentrate, this is not a practice run, it is the real thing!


Barry: God damned amateur! [Leans into the carriage to get his helmet, only to be knocked unconscious by Clint. He falls on top of Deuce, making it look like the two of them are making love.]

Deuce: [Wakes up] Hey! Aw, guys! I know I'm unconscious, but come on! [Pushes Barry off, takes a bite of ham and then immediately falls unconscious again]

Alice: Is it just me, or does that guy [points at Barry] look just like the guy that killed Charlie?

;;; She's correct, it is the same guy.


Charlie: [Looks at Barry and squints] Does he? It was rather a blur for me, and these HARMA agents all look the same after a while!


Sebastian: Can I fry him for good measure just in case?


Charlie: I do appreciate the sentiment, but it would be unwise to kill a HARMA agent just for revenge, given the current political environment. [Quickly] Oh, and killing is wrong, etc!


Harvey: Of course it is, what?!? [To Sebastien, quietly] Some people have some odd ideas, eh?


Alice: How come Pestilence didn't kill him?


Sebastian: [To Harvey and Alice] Quite right Harvey, odd ideas indeed. He probably didn't know which one Barry was to kill him


Charlie: I told you, he doesn't do that sort of thing anymore!


Alice: Except to that guy he and Will tortured and then buried outside your house?


Charlie: They did NOT kill that man. You will remember that he was alive, though admittedly not exactly well, when we left him!


Sebastian: Oh stop being so naive Charlie. Given the condition the guy was in when we left, who else could have killed him? He was buried on your land. It makes sense it was Pestilence.

;;; Assuming we are walking to the Harma HQ building as we talk?


Alice: I'm sure that there's a perfectly simple explanation, Seb. For example, maybe they let him free and, quite by accident, he slipped and twisted his ankle. Then, when he was hobbling back to the house for help, he fell into a shallow pit that had recently been used for a bonfire for that local school for the blind. Then, a bird that was flying over, carrying a small rock to build its nest with, accidentally dropped it, knocking him on the head and unconscious. When they came out to fill it back in the next day, they didn't realize he was in there -- they're blind, remember -- and buried him alive. [Folds her arms] See? Perfectly simple!

;;; Yes, but very slowly!


Charlie: [Glaring at Alice] Or perhaps he was killed by the man he betrayed, Sven?


Alice: No, I think my version was far more likely.


Harvey: [To Charlie] Or perhaps Pestilence has been killing people all along and has just been hiding it from you, what? Now, I believe we had a mission to complete eh?


Austin : Well said colonel. The mission is paramaount.


Charlie: [To Harvey, icily] You're wrong. [To the rest of the party, trying to stay composed but clearly furious] Now, we have some books to rescue!


Alice: Do we have any idea where they might be?

;;; Out for about 2 hours


Sebastian: All your fiance said is that they are inside that flaming building. Once in there I can clear any flames from our path 3 times once the [finger quotes] hoses are empty, after that we're screwed unless there is either water in there, or Dur knows the same spell as me or something stronger [Looks at Dur]

;;; Talking about Create Water, Level 1 Conjuration Spell


Clint: Relax, kid, we're professionals. This isn't our first burning building!


Alice: That depends on what you mean, Clint. Sure, it wouldn't be the first that we set on fire, but probably the first time we were in one trying to rescue something!

[The party recklessly charge into the building.]

;;; End of scene, next one coming up


[Book VIII, Act IX, Scene III. The Burning HARMA Building. ALICE, AUSTIN, CHARLIE, CLINT, DUR, HARVEY and SEBASTIAN are here, carrying buckets of something that was once water. Although there are minor fires here, and the building is quite badly damaged, the fire isn't spreading too badly.]

Alice: Yeesh, how come all those HARMA guys were running away like little girls? It isn't that bad, is it?


Austin : Well, they did mention that they were under attack. Perhaps we have yet to see what they were running from?


[Enter GEORGE LaFORGE, a HARMA officer that has clashed with the party many times. He is in floods of tears, and is on the way out.]

George: Please! For the love of God! Where's my sippy?


Sebastian: Maybe the fire was what they were being attacked by? [Hears George screaming] What the hell is a sippy?


George: My sippy cup! I'll only make a fool of myself without it! [Runs off]

Alice: [Watching George go] Yeah. That was weird, wasn't it?

;;; Careful of the qv tag, Drew!

;;; Out for about an hour


Clint: It's HARMA, bimbo. They're all nuts. Now let's find this book before we run into more of those freaks!


Sebastian: [To Alice] Nope not at all. And he's certainly not already making a fool of himself, is he guys?

;;; Sorry about the tag!


Harvey: [Pause] Of course not! Now, we should move out, what?


Sebastian: But we've only just "moved in", and we haven't found the books yet!


Austin : [To Seb] Perhaps you want to stay here permanently? Do you think you look good in a HARMA outfit? [Sighs] Let us get those dammed books before I die of old age!


Charlie: Does anyone see a room that might be used as a library? [Dreamily] In my experience, they glow considerably more brightly than ordinary rooms!


Austin : [To Charlie] It is simply due to the extra lighting, intended to facilitate reading. A common occurence in libraries.


Clint: Yeah, but it makes it harder for sleeping. Another common occurrence in libraries.


[The party advance along the corridor and see several doors. One of them seems to have more light coming from under the bottom of it, and the distinct sound of someone sobbing.]

Alice: Could that be the library? [To the party] When I was in school, that's where all the nerds went when the cool kids were mean to them.


Austin : [To Alice] Did you ever see the inside of the library?


Charlie: [To Austin] Excellent question! [To Alice] A recent survey of library patrons in the realms revealed that only 24% were there to hide and/or weep, though lamentably there was no follow-up question to determine from whom those patrons were hiding or who made them weep. So, you see, you are merely making an ill-informed assumption about library usage.


Alice: [To Austin] Of course not! Why would I want to see all that weeping. And, Charlie, I think you'll find that of the remaining 74%, about 90% of them were so ashamed of their weeping, they lied about why they were there!


Austin : [To Alice] Rational to the end. [To the Party] Books, lets get those books people!


[ALICE pushes the door open slowly, to reveal TOMPARS PARIS, another HARMA Officer that the party have dealt with in the past, sitting at a desk, sobbing. Although this is an office, there are no books that immediately leap out as being candidates for the Fatebook, as they all look relatively modern.]

Alice: [To the party] What the hell is going on with these guys?


Charlie: If it is bad for HARMA, it is almost certainly good for us! Perhaps an underground resistance has taken over?


Austin : Perhaps Nunpar withdrew their unicorn room access rights?


Sebastian: Or maybe there is a Care Bear here who makes everyone cry?


Harvey: We could just ask him, what?

;;; Srry had a big meeting this morning


Alice: Yeah, we could, but then we wouldn't be just standing around wasting time while the building burns.


Harvey: Ah, good point, what? [Thinks for a moment] Time for lunch then? [Indicates the fire] We have a ready made barbecue, eh?


Charlie: [To Tompars] Hello there! Why are you weeping like a little girl?


Sebastian: [To Harvey] But what could we barbecue? [Looks to Tompars] We'll let Charlie finish "grilling" him then we can "barbecue" him [Chuckles darkly]


Tompars: Because everyone knows that this isn't my real hair!


Austin : [Smiles, excitedly] What delightfully wicked foe has assailed them, I wonder? [Shrugs] Let us go and retrieve the books before we eat, I don't want to have to come back to this sorry little place again!


Alice: Maybe we should ask him?

;;; Gone for about two hours!


Charlie: [To Tompars] And who attacked you? Some sort of demented barber?


Sebastian: [To Charlie] Ask him about the book


Tompars: No one attacked me! Why? Does my hair look that bad?


Clint: Do you even have to ask?


Sebastian: [To Tompars] We can't tell, your fake hair is in the way so we can't see your real hair


Austin : [To Tompars] Tell us where the books from the archeological dig are and I'll set you up with a weeks free hair therapy session with my private hair surgeon. Deal?


Harvey: It must be pretty bad, though, eh? Otherwise, why would you need to hide it?


Tompars: [To Austin] Really? You'd do that for me? Well, they're upstairs in-- [hears Harvey's unkind remark] Yes! Yes! It is awful! [Throws himself threw the closed window, shattering the glass]

Alice: [Enraged] Aw no! Look at what you've done! [Sulkily] I didn't even get a chance to say something mean about his hair -- and that's my thing! I could have made him cry and run to the Cribrary! [To Charlie] That's what us cool kids call that place with all the books, pretty smart, huh? [Goes to the window and shouts out after Tompars] It's not pretty bad, it's hair-riffic! [Turns to the party, beaming]


Austin : Excellent work Alice. I am most glad some one around here knows what cool is. Right, let try to find a way up stairs before this place burns to the ground.


Charlie: [Frets] Oh, I do hope the books have not been damaged! Let us hurry! [Looks for stairs]


[The party head back out of the room and spot a stairs leading up. Before they can go up, though, they spot someone coming down the stairs. This is DR. AMELIA SAWTELL-WALLIS, a woman in civilian clothes. She stops dead when she sees the party.]

Amelia: You! I should have known you were behind this!


Austin : [To Amelia, nonchalantly, with extra nonch] Well I must correct you, we are not behind 'this', as you put it. We are merely here to rescue some recent ancient archeological findings, that we believe are critical to world safety. And who might you be?


Amelia: You mean, steal? I am Dr. Amelia Sawtell-Wallis, Chief HARMA Advisor on History and Stuff.


Charlie: We mean rescue from burning!


Alice: Actually, we mean rescue from you, bitch!

Amelia: Your poor language doesn't surprise me.

;;; Drew is out today

Sebastian: Hey! She's got a book behind her back!


Austin : [To Alice] Please, Alice, can we maintain some dignity here. [To Amelia] If we do not take the books from this building, they will most likely be burned, and then they will be of no use to anyone. Why don't you help us?


Charlie: Indeed! If you truly care about history, you will want to see these books protected and studied!


Amelia: By you? I don't think so! [Turns and runs back up the stairs]


Charlie: [Runs after Amelia] Keep your hands off those books, you horrid woman!


Austin : [To Charlie] Will you stop following strangers into dark places! You'll get your self killed again! [To the party] Let's go! [Runs after Charlie]


[The party charge after CHARLIE and AUSTIN, up onto the next floor, in hot pursuit of AMELIA, who has found another HARMA officer, ANTON ANON.]

Amelia: [Points at the party] Stop them! They're trying hurt me!

Anton: [Bursts into tears] Why bother? My mother hates me!


Clint: I just bet she does, going to join HARMA like that! [Goes to cold-cock Anton.]


Charlie: What on earth has happened to these people?! They are even more annoying than usual!


[Smack. CLINT knocks out ANTON.]

Amelia: Oh for God's sake! You HARMA idiots are useless! [Looks up at the next flight of stairs, clearly not wanting to go up there]

;;; Gone for the day!!


Austin : Why don't you let us help you? [Smiles] It's much easier that way.


Harvey: Indeed, we are incredibly helpful, what?

;;; Sorry folks - been one of those days!


Clint: After all, we clobbered that HARMA idiot!


Amelia: You people disgust me. [Runs up the stairs]

Alice: Yeesh, Aus! You scared her away with your creepy smile!


Austin : Excellent, I expect the fool will lead us directly to the books! Lets go! [Follows Amelia up the stairs]


Harvey: You will remember who is in command here, [With emphasis] Private! Now, Troop, let's go! [Follows Amelia up the stairs]


Alice: [Stops Harvey] Ah ah! I think Austin meant that I should lead us to the books. [Thinks] Hey! How should I know where they are?


Charlie: [To Alice, urgently] Move! We must follow that woman!


Austin : [Halfway up the stairs. To the party] What on earth are you all waiting for? You heard the Colonel, get a move on! [Rolls his eyes and sighs] Do I have to do everything myself.


Sebastian: [Charges up the stairs] I'm right with you Sleaze


Charlie: [Hurrying up the stairs. To Alice] Hurry, we might lose her!


Alice: I'm right here! How can you lose me?

[The others run off up the stairs after AMELIA.]

Alice: [Calls up after them] Hey! You know, this could mean you'd lose me! [Runs after the others]

[The party find AMELIA at the top of the stairs, where SVEN is waiting for her.]

Sven: Haw! Bringing it right back to Sven, I like it!


Charlie: [Warily] Sven?! What are you doing here?


Sven: [Spots the party] Haw! I should have known you guys would be here! I'm trying to give HARMA a good old punch on the nose.


Charlie: So, you caused all of this chaos? For what purpose?


Sebastian: Or he's one of them. That dead guy did say Sven was the traitor after all.


Amelia: You're all traitors!

Sven: [Guffaws at Sebastian] Haw! I love this guy! He's definitely one you lot! [To Amelia] Come on, there's no need for anyone to get hurt.


Sebastian: She works for HARMA, there's every need for her to get hurt [Takes a step towards Amelia] Now hand over the book and I might change my mind


Austin : Good, they thoroughly deserve it! They are a bunch of mindless idiots. [Gently pats Sven on the back. ] Good to see you again!


Austin : [To Sebastian] Don't damage the book! You can burn or drown the HARMA morons once we have the books.


Sven: [Punches Austin on the shoulder in a friendly way, almost knocking him over] Haw! [Nods at Sebastian] I see you've got yourself another psycho in the mix, he'll fit in perfectly!

Amelia: [Cowers back] Please! He's out of control!

[An unidentified HARMA officer runs down the stairs, on fire, screaming in agony.]


Sebastian: Oh don't worry Sleaze [Grins wickedly at Amelia] I have no intentions of damaging the book


Harvey: Indeed, then we can burn *and* drown them, what?!?


Austin : Well, just remember what we came for. We certainly did not come here for you to indulge in your sick perversions.


Sven: Books? Haw! I guess the professor here is having an effect on lot! What books are these that you're looking for?


Sebastian: [To Austin] This is no perversion, this is personal [To Amelia] Now hand over that book I saw in your hand before you ran up here [holds out his right hand for the book]


Charlie: [To Sven, cautiously] Just something for a little project I am working on. You needn't trouble yourself, as we can see that you are occupied with your own work at the moment.


Harvey: Indeed, some project to do with 'books', wasn't it? [To Charlie, quietly, but lous enough for everyone to hear] I don't think he's figured out that we don't trust him yet, eh?


Sven: Well then, that's just gear! [Grabs Amelia and pulls a book from beneath her shirt] See you, guys!


Sebastian: Bastard! [Charges at Sven]


ut that we don't trust him yet, eh?

Dur: [Breathless from the stairs climb] Some people just don't know the meaning of subtlety, Colonel [Rolls his eyes] .=


Harvey: [Beams] Well, never mind Doctor, some day I shall teach you, eh?

;;; Heh, no way I was going to leave that one alone! :)


Alice: Sebastian! No!

Sven: [Hits Sebastian with the book, which, to everyone's surprise, has a wooden cover] Back off, buddy!

[SEBASTIAN is knocked to the ground, bleeding from his nose.]

Sven: Gotta tell you, guys, not liking that idiot. [Runs back up the stairs]


Sebastian: [Grabs around while clutching his nose for something to throw at Sven's legs to trip him up on the stairs]


[SEBASTIAN throws a chair leg at SVEN, but he disappears up the stairs.]

Alice: [To Sebastian] What the hell is wrong with you? He's one of the good guys!


Charlie: [To Alice] Not according to Pestilence's [delicately] source, as you may remember! And, in any case, he has our book! [Tries to race after Sven]


Sebastian: [To Alice, standing up] If he's a good guy then why did he take the book and run? And before you say because I lunged at him, he'd just said "see you later guys", implying he already intended to make off with the book. [Follows Charlie]


Alice: [To Sebastian] Because you lunged at him! Is that how you normally behave to people who say goodbye?

Amelia: [Calls out to some nearby HARMA officers who are either too badly injured or wailing too much to help] Help! Stop them! Arrest them all!

[The party head up the stairs, but the entire building is rocked by what appears to be a massive earthquake, knocking everyone to the floor, barely avoiding falling through the huge holes that appear.]


Dur: [Trying to keep his balance] NOW what?!


Clint: [Helpfully.] Feels like an earthquake to me, Doc.


[A massive shimmering circle opens on one wall, about six feet in diameter. An incredible smell emanates from it.]

Alice: It sure doesn't smell like one, Clint -- in fact, it smell more like... well... more like you!


Charlie: [Excited] Oh, how thrilling! What could it be? [Quickly wads up a piece of paper and throws it at the circle]


Clint: [Helpfully.] A big glowing circle with a natural manly musk?


[The wadded up paper flies into the hole and disappears. Seconds later, enter ALGERNON DELAMBRE, a seven foot tall fly wearing a tuxedo.]

Algernon: [Holds up the wadded up piece of paper] Does this belong to someone?


Austin : [Holding his nose] A portal to the stinky dimension? Mr Scar, do you have your own dimension that you have not been telling us about?


Sebastian: It's only his if he's related to a fly [points at the portal, looking about to see if he can spot Sven hiding]


Austin : [To Algernon] The litter belongs to Charlie [Gestures to Charlie] Did you by any chance see a barbarian type passing you on your way here?


Clint: [To Algernon.] I bet all the girlies say you're pretty fly for a white guy!

;;; It had to be said!


Charlie: [To Algernon, delighted] Oh, how thrilling! [Whips out a notepad] What is the name of your species? What are your eating and mating habits?

;;; {Groan!}


Sebastian: [To Charlie] You want to take notes while the building is burning and collapsing around us? What about Sven and the book!

;;; {Double Groan!}

;;; In and out today


Algernon: Actually, they say I'm pretty white for a fly guy. [To Charlie] Hang around and you'll see, babe. Although, given that we usually eat what we mate with, you'll be dead.

Alice: [Horrified] You kill your partner after sex?

Algernon: [Even more horrified] No! Quite the opposite!


Clint: [The most horrified of all!.] Riiiiight. The book?


Algernon: Which book? The sex book?

[Several more shimmering openings appear, including one halfway up the stairs that SVEN went up.]


Charlie: [Jotting down notes furiously and muttering] Necrophiliac, cannibalistic . . . hmm, is that the word if it is across species? No, I'm sure there's a word-- [looks up suddenly and gasps] Are we being invaded by cannibalistic necrophiliac fly-men?!


Clint: Aw crap. Weren't the yellow tie guys bad enough?!


Sebastian: [To Charlie] No dear that just makes them your average carnivore predator, and above us on the food chain. It's only cannibalism if they mate with their own kind, which given his comment to you, doesn't seem that likely today. [Goes back to looking for Sven and the book]


Algernon: I don't know who they are, but they'd better get in line! Everyone wants a piece of -- oh! What is that awful smell?

Alice: Yay! You've saved us, Stinky! You and your...

[ALICE tails off as she realizes that the smell ALGERNON is referring to is much, much worse than CLINT, and that it's coming from another one of the shimmering openings. Enter SMELLMO, a hairy, red demon that smells so bad even CLINT is offended.]

Smellmo: Smellmo! Smellmo! [Puts his arms out for a hug]

Alice: Aw! He's so cuuute! But he smells like crap!


Austin : [Shys away in disgust] What an abysmal smell! [Looks up the staircase] We should get a move on or we will loose Sven!


Amelia: Oh, you'd love that, wouldn't you? [Runs up the stairs]


Austin : Love what? Loosing Sven? That doesn't make any sense! The HARMA brain washing has left you bereft of reason! [Runs up the stairs after Sven] Either that or you have always been this way.


Amelia: [Trying to elbow her way past Austin] And what made you the way you are? On second thoughts, don't tell me!

[The stairs gives away and the two go plummeting down, right into another glowing circle that has opened beneath them.]

Alice: Austin!

[More and more glowing circles begin to appear.]

Algernon: That's just the start. Your dimension is so ripe for invasion, it's going to be torn apart! [Rubs himself] It's so great, I'm getting turned on! Now, give me someone to kill so I can have sex!

;;; End of scene, next one coming up on THURSDAY.


;;; I'll be out all day, unfortunately! Conor, please take over

Harvey if need be.


Alice: What the hell happened to Austin?

Algernon: [Licks his lips and points to a male body who has been horrifically crushed by falling rubble] Is that Austin? She looks sexy.

[Yet more circles appear.]

;;; Drew is out today

Sebastian: I'm no expert on these things, but I think the world might be about to end!


Charlie: I fear you may be correct! Quickly, let us try to find a way to shut these circles! Does anyone see a power source--perhaps an orb? [Looks around]


Algernon: [To the body] Hello, Gorgeous. [Vomits on it]

Alice: [To Charlie] No! Are we sure they're coming from here?


Charlie: No! Perhaps we should go after Mr. Sleaze? Though I am not sure we would be able to get back?


Harvey: Nevertheless, we must be fearless in battle, what? Once more unto the breach, dear friends, once more! No [Falters, then a little uncertainly] um, *laywer* left behind, eh?


[The circle that AUSTIN and AMELIA fell into disappears.]

Alice: Huh! Maybe he's left us behind?


Charlie: [Horrified] What's happened to him?!


Harvey: [Cheerily] Well, I believe he fell into a rather odd glowing circle which then disappeared, what? Quite simple, really. Now, what's for lunch?


Smellmo: You! [Grabs Harvey and starts to smash his head off the ground]

;;; Harvey lose 10hp


[There is a burst of light in the middle of the floor, and AUSTIN and AMELIA appear. They both look quite pale, but reasonably healthy otherwise.]


Austin : [Straightens the sleeve on his beautiful midnight emerald green suit. To the party] Ah, there you all are. [Looks around at the portals] I see that you have comprehensively failed to save the realm from the invasion, and inevitable destruction. [Takes an orb from his jacket] Allow me [Raises the orb and smashes it on the ground]


Alice: Aus! You're back!

[The entire room is enveloped in a green even brighter than Austin's beautiful suit, and when it abates, the demons are gone, as are the circles.]

Sebastian: Wow! What just happened there?


Charlie: [Astonished] Mr. Sleaze, are you unharmed? Where did you go? What was that orb?!


Austin : [To Alice] Good to see that you have not come to any harm. [Gives Alice a light hug, with minimal body contact. Turning to Seb, casually] I just saved the world from demonic invasion. [Sighs] Unfortunately the effect is only temporary. Even I have my limits.


Austin : [To Charlie, holding his chest and coughing weakly, but fighting it] We are a little malnourished, and would very much like to see the sunrise once more. [Steadies himself] The orb cost me dearly, but it was necessary.


Charlie: [Puzzled] Malnourished? Where WERE you? How long were you gone? You were only missing here a few seconds!


Harvey: [Ignoring Charlie] Indeed, I am a little hungry. Good of you to notice, Private Sleaze, what? We should secure lunch as a matter of urgency!


Amelia: Oh, please. You've had your massive ego to feed on. And I think you'll find that it was US who saved the world, not YOU!


Dur: Albeit you could truly claim anything you want as we lack proof of your accolades. But perhaps we should get moving before the world once again i= s threatened? Shall we go after the book?


Amelia: Yes, you halfwit! Get it!


Dur: [Scowling] Who is this tart and why haven't we killed her yet? [Tries to go after the book] =


Alice: Hey! You know full well who I am, Dur! [Looks at Amelia] Oh, I see.


Austin : [To Amelia] Did I say I. I only meant it literally, of course. [To the party] We saved the world through a combination of our efforts.


Dur: [Exasperated] Great! Now how about combining your efforts into moving your feet!=


Amelia: It might be dangerously like exercise for you, Austin!


Austin : Oh dear, I hope I don't upset your population exercise statistics too much. [Heads up the stairs]

;;;; meetings .....


Last from Austin

Harvey: I say, did someone mention 'tarts'? [Heads up the stairs after Austin]


Charlie: [Heading for the the stairs. To Amelia, warily] I do not mean to offend you, but perhaps you should stay behind? We are not normally aligned with HARMA!


Amelia: [Folds her arms and stays where she is] Fine. I know full well who you are normally aligned with.


[The party race upstairs.]

Algernon: And who would that be?

Amelia: [Alarmed] What are you doing here?

Algernon: Having sex.

Amelia: [Horrified] No! I mean, why weren't you sent back to your own dimension?

Algernon: [Shrugs] Idunno.

;;; End of scene, next one coming right up


[Book VIII, Act IX. Scene IV. The Wreckage of the HARMA building. ALICE, AUSTIN, CHARLIE, CLINT, DUR, HARVEY and SEBASTIAN are here, having just raced upstairs. The place is littered with bodies, all torn to shreds. This floor is more badly damaged than the lower ones, although there is still a rickety stairs leading further up.]

Alice: Any idea where he might be? [Thinks] Or even why we're chasing him?

[A body is thrown from the far side of the floor and slams against a wall near the party.]


Dur: Errr... For the book?


Alice: But is it any less safe with him than with us? I mean, no disrespect, but look at us!

[Another body is flung from the same part of the room. This time it flies overhead and out of the building.]


Charlie: [Uneasily] Yes, perhaps we should retreat while we still have the chance!


Austin : [Dodging behind the party] We really should investigate over there. [Points to where the body came from.]


Alice: Good idea, Aus! [Dodges behind Austin] Off you go!


Austin : [Smoothly dodges behind Alice] I am a little worse for wear after several years of fighting to stay alive in the demon dimension, and I have saved the world once already today. [Sighs] It's someone elses turn, surely?


Clint: Excuses, excuses! [Creeps forward as sneakily as he can.]


Dur: [Loudly and enthusiastically] GIVE THEM A GOOD BOOT IN THE ASS FOR ME CLINT!!!


Austin : [To Dur] As the party's doctor you should follow close behind him. It's probably just Sven over there anyway.


Alice: [Slips behind Austin] But surely you're so great at saving the world, Aus, one more time won't make any difference!

[CLINT creeps forward, but, as DUR shouts, suddenly the whole party can see a huge demon, HOFF HASSEL, who roars with laughter as he throws HARMA officers around. When he laughs, he makes a peculiar noise that sounds like "Hoff hoff hoff".]

Hoff: Hoff, hoff, hoff! [Spots the party] Well, what have we here?

<P><a href=http://www.queens-view.com/wiki/index.php/Hoff_Hassel>Hoff Hassel</A>


Alice: Unless he's just got a really bad sunburn and got a whole lot


Austin : [To Alice, slipping behind her] No, it's certainly not Sven. [Worried] It might be time to run away.


Clint: [Hopefully.] This guy a friend of yours, lawyer?


Austin : Nope [Backing towards the stairs they came up]


Dur: Clint needs to work on his sneaking skills!


Clint: Well in that case... [backs up, trying to keep between the party and Big Red.]


Sebastian: [Backing away slowly] Are we sure Sven even made it up this far up? He might have gone through a portal. Or there was that presumably dead body we all casually ignored before Austin came back and temporarily saved the day.


Alice: That's right Dur. [Shouts] Hey Clint! You need to be more stealthy! [Even louder] Stealthy!

[Everyone starts to back down slowly, only to see that ALGERNON is heading up the stairs. What's worrying is that he looks hungry. What's even more worrying is that he looks a little horny.]

Algernon: [To the party] Well, hello.


Charlie: [Hopefully] Have you sated your horrible appetite yet?


Harvey: Ah, you look like an [Uncertainly] individual who knows where to find a good lunch, eh? Not me, this time though!

;;; Sorry been a hectic couple of weeks which is why I've not been

around as much - the next couple of weeks are probably going to be



Sebastian: Doubtful, he only had that corpse and Amelia. I bet that's not even an appetizer for him.

;;; Only here until sometime between 12 and 1 today


Austin : [To Algernon] There are several yummy looking corpses up there [points up the stairs and tries to slip past Algernon]


Algernon: [Blocks Austin] Actually, there are several yummy looking soon to be corpses here.

Hoff: [Roars with laughter] Hoff hoff hoff!

Alice: Uh, I think we're blocked at both ends. Like some sort of food stuff where there's one thing in the middle of two other similar things. [Dramatically] But not tasty!


Charlie: [Attacks Algernon] You shan't be making a sexy snack of me!


Algernon: [Gives Harvey a hungry look] That's right.

[CHARLIE slashes ALGERNON with her sword, cutting into him.]

Algernon: Ow! Hey! That really hurt! And look what you've done to my suit! [Angrily] That was a rental!


Harvey: Gah! Attempting to eat a commanding officer is generally considered an act of war! Besides which, it's really impolite, what? [Attacks Algernon]


Sebastian: I go through most of my life hardly ever fighting, I meet you guys and I usually have several a day. Let it never be said a life with the Queens View Party is a dull one [Draws his sword while aiming at Algernon with Burning Hands]


Austin : Not through choice! [Tries to slip past Algernon while he is engaged in the fight]


[Jets of flame shoot from SEBASTIAN's hands and hit ALGERNON, who staggers down a step. AUSTIN tries to run past him, but is grabbed.]

;;; Lose 12hp Algie.

Algernon: Oh, no, lover. You're going nowhere!

[AUSTIN's momentum causes ALGERNON to fall back, still holding AUSTIN. To everyone's surprise, this fly can fly, and he swoops up into the air.]

Alice: Huh. I did not see that one coming.


Austin : [Squeals] Help! It can fly! [Tries to stab Algernon]


Charlie: [Tries to whack Algernon with her sword] Take that, you horrid pest!


Alice: I'll get you, Aus!

[CHARLIE hits ALGERNON, drawing more blood from his leg, just as ALICE leaps up and grabs onto AUSTIN's leg. Unfortunately, ALGERNON is still in the air.]

Algernon: Mm! Dessert!


Austin : [Tries to stab Algernon] Put me down safely, you vile creature!


[AUSTIN stabs ALGERNON in the leg, causing what everyone hopes is blood to squirt out.]

Algernon: Ow! Hey! If you cause me to crash and kill us all, how on earth can I eat you?

;;; Drew and Heather are both afk

Charlie: Quick! Grab on!

[SEBASTIAN and CHARLIE each grab onto one of ALICE's legs.]

Sebastian: [Looking up] Yeeesh! Grey underpants, Alice?

Alice: Aw man! The one day I don't wear flouncy undies!

[The extra weight is enough to slow the ascent, but not to pull everyone back down.]


Dur: What's going on? Are we all hitching a ride or something? [Tries to grab hold as well.] =


Harvey: Let go of my niece, you blaggard! [Attacks Algernon]


[HARVEY joins DUR in leaping on, as does CLINT, so now the entire party are up in the air. AUSTIN continues to stab at ALGERNON, but they keep rising.]

Algernon: You know, stabbing me in the leg doesn't make me any less attracted to you.

[The party spot SVEN making his way past HOFF. He's probably close enough to hear the party if they shout, although not close enough to grab on to those on the bottom of the flying pile of bodies.]


Austin : [Stabbing at Algernon] Sven! Help us!


Alice: Come on, Sven! Help!

[SVEN looks up and sees the party.]

Sven: [Gives a big but sheepish grin] Sorry guys.

[ALGERNON keeps getting higher.]

Algernon: [Kicks Austin] Just for that, I'm not going to have sex with you after I kill you!


Dur: Hey! If anyone is going to feast on the entrails of my dead companions, it's going to be me! [Dur casts Spiritual Weapon to attack Algie] =


Austin : [Still stabbing at Algernon] Good!

;;;; awa hame.


Charlie: Er, we are rather high, aren't we, group?

Algernon: Oh, if that's how you're going to be, then fine, I'll just drop you!

[ALGERNON lets go, sending the party plummeting towards the ground.]


Clint: [Falling, one can only presume.] Geronimo!


[Everyone plummets towards the ground]

Alice: What the hell? Why didn't Sven help us? And what's going to happen when we hit the ground? I don't think it'll be very much fun at all!


Dur: Is anything we do as a group ever fun?


Clint: I dunno, but I can't believe I'm able to have this quite long conversation with you whilst apparently falling unaided!


Alice: Do you really need aid to fall? I mean, even for you, Stinky, it can't be all that hard!


Harvey: Perhaps we'll land on Private Scar, eh?


Clint: [Flapping his arms to try to avoid this awful fate.] No?


Austin : [Panicking] Perhaps some one can cast a spell to save us?


Dur: [Scowling] Oh, sure, NOW you want us to make with the magic!


Sebastian: Well, as luck would have it! [Casts Feather Fall http://dungeons.wikia.com/wiki/SRD:Feather_Fall twice to encompass the whole party]

;;; Thought this would be a nice one to start Monday off with


[SEBASTIAN casts his spell and, incredibly, the whole party begins to slow.]

Alice: Yay! This is great! Well done, Seb! Now Phili himself couldn't hurt us!


Charlie: [Relieved] How marvelous! [Worried] Though hopefully we shan't be attacked by a flying creature whilst still in the air.


Alice: Don't be ridiculous, Charlie! What could possibly attack us up here?

[Splat. ALICE just gets a huge smear of bird shit on her head.]

Alice: Hey!

[The party are suddenly peppered with arrows, being fired at them from below by a bunch of HARMA operatives. Everyone gets hit a number of times.]


Austin : No! Not yet! [Cries] I am too beautiful to die!


Sebastian: Ow! Where the smeg did they come from? [Casts grease at the HARMA officers]


[SEBASTIAN tries to cast his spell, but it is disrupted by another hail of arrows. Fortunately, and rather inexplicably, a bunch of Yellow Tie Guys charge on the HARMA officers and attack them.]

Alice: Yeesh! What the hell is going on?


Sebastian: I think hell is the operative word there Alice

;;; Where is the party actually floating down to?


Charlie: I'm sure I don't know, but let us make an escape while these two factions fight it out!

;;; Are we on the ground yet?


[The party continue to drift down slowly, and are about to land just outside the main entrance that they came in when they first arrived.]

Alice: But what about Sven and the book? Will we go back in?


Austin : But we must get the book!


[The party continue their gradual and graceful descent.]

Alice: This is a cool way to travel.

[The spell seems to run out just inches from the ground, causing everyone to collapse in a heap, with ALICE on the bottom.]

Alice: Ow!


Harvey: [Picking himself up off Alice] Well, I did *aim* for Private Scar, what?


Sebastian: [To Alice while helping her up] It is a great way to travel, just never had to do it in this big a group before


Alice: [Looking at the huge muddy footprint on her chest] Yeah, it's just great, Seb!


Austin : Next time we will have to try it without the arrows. [Winces in pain]


[A vicious battle rages beside the party, as the YTGs fight with HARMA.]

Alice: Uh, so... will we just go back in again?


Austin : [Watching the fight] It would be a bad idea to stay here until the fight is over, and besides, we really must get that book! [Gets up and sighs, trying to clean his suit] I did not spend years battling my way out of Mistoheusto to give up now!


Alice: That's right! We didn't spend years fighting with Mister...who? Huh? What are you talking about, Aus?


Austin : Mistoheusto, Alice. That was the name of the dimension that, errm, that HARMA agent [waves his hand towards the house] and I spent several years fighting our way out of. A most unpleasant experience. Fortunately time travels much more slowly here, so I didn't miss anything.


Alice: Huh. So you spent years with that HARMA bitch?

;;; Gone for an hour or so!


Austin : [Smugly] Do I detect a hint of jealously?


Harvey: Or even envy?


Sebastian: Maybe even both? I think we should get a move on though, that lot aren't going to wait until we are back inside to finish fighting you know


Alice: Actually, it's neither -- it's rage over her stealing Deucie's books!


Austin : Indeed. We have not yet carried out the colonel's command! Let's go! [Heads back inside]


[Exit ALL, back into the building.]

;;; end of scene, next one coming right up


[Book VIII, Act IX, Scene V. HARMA HQ. ALICE, AUSTIN, CHARLIE, CLINT, DUR, HARVEY, and SEBASTIAN are here, having just arrived in. The building is in even worse condition now, and is littered with bodies of both humans and demons. The party spot BODDY here, apparently rooting through a safe that has fallen through an upper floor and smashed to pieces.]

Alice: Boddy! What are you doing? Stealing stuff, no doubt!

Boddy: You've got bird shit in your hair.


Sebastian: [To Alice] I knew there was something we forgot to remind you of. [To Boddy] The building is on fire, fights all over, and you're snooping through a broken safe?


Austin : [Incredulously] Well, that is pretty much what we were going to do. [To Boddy] Hi Mr Boddy.


Clint: [Nods to Boddy.] Nothing wrong with a little theft!

;;; Probably forgot to say that today is an all-American holiday where we

;;; honor those who have given their lives for this country by having

an enormous

;;; barbecue and eating ourselves into a coma. Back to normal tomorrow!


Charlie: [To Clint] Well, it really depends on the reason for the theft. [To Boddy] Could you provide some context for your scavenging so that we may weigh the goodness of said act and therefore our response to it?

;;; {Sniff!} Oh, how I miss it! Tastes like Freedom!


Clint: We don't have time for that, Sarge! We've got a book to go ste... rescue!

;;; And, meaning the greatest of respect to my Irish colleagues, barbecue just

;;; isn't the same there. The last Irish barbecue I went to, it rained the

;;; entire time, the Russian cook severed a nerve on his finger, and I came

;;; out of it with a 1" scar on my forehead. Never again, I tell you!


Boddy: [Thinks for a moment] I saw that HARMA was under attack and figured I could probably score some cool magic items by exploiting their misfortune.

Alice: [To Sebastian] What? What were you going to remind me of?

;;; It's not an Irish barbecue until someone gets gashed on the

;;; forehead with a rusty knife!


Sebastian: [To Alice] That a bird shit on your head


Charlie: [To Boddy, way too casually] You haven't seen any boring old books, have you?


Alice: [To Sebastian] And yet still my hair looks better than yours!

Boddy: No, just the Fatebook. How about you?


Harvey: [Trying to be causual, failing] Well, the fatebook sounds pretty boring, what? Why not give it to us and you can go do something much more interesting?


Boddy: [Trying to be casual, succeeding, as he pops a cheeserette into his mouth] I can't do that, Harv. [Lights the cheeserette]

Alice: Why? Because you're up to some no doubt nefarious and evil plot for extreme personal gain that will somehow involve us being used and humiliated?

Boddy: No. Because some HARMA idiot took it to burn it. I only saw it in her hands.

;;; Gone until probably lunch!


Austin : [To Boddy] Are you certain that she was going to burn it?


Charlie: [Gasps] Where did she go?!


Sebastian: [To Alice] I'd rather have crap hair than be a shit head


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Alice: Too bad you're both. [To Charlie] I think she was upstairs, wasn't she?

;;; She was, I think!


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Sebastian: [To Alice while grinning] Touche, and yes she was. I never saw her leave while we were falling [pulls out a hankie and hands it to Alice] might want to clean that shit off before it sticks

;;; yeah last post you did for her was her talking with

;;; the fly demon as we went up to the next floor with the portals


Austin : [Looks alarmed] Well let's go and find her before she burns the Fatebook! [Heads into the building]


Alice: [Gingerly takes the hanky by the corner] Ew! I think I'd prefer the bird shit! [Wipes it off]

[The party head upstairs, followed by BODDY. AMELIA is waiting here, filing her nails.]

Amelia: Well? Did you get it?


Austin : [To Amelia] No. We thought that you would have it. Do you? [Looking at the nail file] Can I borrow that after you?


Sebastian: How could she? Sven has the book and he went up!


Dur: So I guess we continue our way up then?

;;; errr... BACK!


Charlie: [Watches Amelia's grooming incredulously] You just lost the archeological find of the century and all you can think of is your nails?!


Amelia: [To Austin] How could I? Your friend took the book and went up. More treachery from you Path-Ethics. [Files a bit more] Sure, just a few minutes.

;;; Path-Ethic is a general name for those on the Path


Sebastian: Care Bares. Got to be. She's been affected by the Vanity Bare [nods] either that or she has no idea what a Fatebook is, or does, and just hasn't realised the book she had was one. Plus she's HARMA scum.

;;; welcome back Kevin


Austin : Well, they are very nice nails. After years in Mistoheusto it is quite a relief to have time for such concerns, I assure you.


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Amelia: No, I'm thinking of several other things, not least of which is thatyou will probably be killed by that Viking if you go upstairs. I just enjoy= good grooming. You should look into it.=20 --Apple-Mail-3EB56A56-032E-4D33-A958-B639C6897395 Content-Transfer-Encoding: 7bit


Austin : [To Drew] Amelia is Anti-Path, and she knows far more about the Fatebook than you do I suspect. That is why she wants to burn it.


Charlie: [To Amelia] Burn it?! Surely it should be studied!


Austin : Why, of course it should. The Anti-Path are misguided fools. [Looks up the stairs] Shall we go and find the Fatebook?


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;;; tried to send this earlier, but haven't seen it

Amelia: I don't want to burn it, it's just some of HARMA who do. [Witheringly to Sebastian] There are no Care Bares here.

;;; stuck in a meeting



Austin : [To Amelia] Well perhaps you can help us retrieve it, and then we can both read it. Just an idea of course.


Clint: Well, Charlie can read it. Sounds like boring mumbo-jumbo to me!


Austin : To the contrary, Mr Scar. I shall read it first, as I have been in the party far longer.


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Last from Dom 31

Alice: Plus, Austin is a lawyer, so knows less about that kind of stuff than Charlie, so of course he should read it first.



Charlie: [To Austin, exasperated] Oh, do be serious! I shall find you a nail file of your own, then you and your [finger quotes] lady friend can occupy yourselves whilst I examine the text!


Last from Heather 33

Sebastian: Sounds like a plan to me. Let's go find the book


Austin : [To Charlie] I am quite serious. I also expected this jealousy from a novice like you. [Casually checks his nails] Now. We do not yet have the book, so fighting over it is a waste of time. Shall we go and get it. [Moves towards the stairs]


Boddy: [Watching the exchange with some amusement] Are you sure you wanna do that?


Harvey: Indeed, and then they can fight over it, what?

;;; Sorry folks, got pulled away.


Clint: Anyway, Harv's in charge so reading the book should be his job! [Follows Austin toward the stairs.]


;;; No posting today -- back to normal tomorrow!


Alice: [Looks back at Boddy] Why wouldn't we want to do this?

Boddy: Because someone's got the Baring Meter up there.


Charlie: But that was destroyed! Did they build another one?!


Sebastian: Was it? Sven said he had done it, but Sven just betrayed us, and he's up there. I told you then I didn't believe him that he'd destroyed it. Plus Madame Anti-Path did state there are no Care Bares here.


Alice: So you expect us to believe some HARMA bitch over our most trusted friend? I mean, come on, Seb, she actually seems to like Austin! How reliable can she be?

Boddy: Sven destroyed the Baring Meter? Did you see the body?

;;; Out for about an hour


Charlie: [To Boddy] What do you mean, body?! It was a pile of gears and such. Here! [Flips out a notepad with a sketch of the ruined alleged Baring Meter]


Sebastian: [To Alice] Sven took the book then ran away from us with it. That guy Petsy [finger quotes] interrogated told us Sven was the spy. Sven didn't want us destroying the Baring Meter, insisted he did it without us around. Why? So he could steal it to use later obviously. [To Charlie] That's only what Sven told us, no one actually told us what it looked like.


Austin : Excellent. Well I am glad all of that is sorted out. It seems that we will have to destroy the Bareingmeter after all.


Charlie: [To Sebastian, irked, complete with finger quotes] That guy Petsy?! You mean my beloved husband, Pestilence? Yes, I am familiar with him. [To Boddy] But what did you mean by body?!


Boddy: I mean the body of the Baring Meter. What you have there [gestures to Charlie's drawing] appears to be either the remains of a very large clock or the materials used for making up one of those super duper clock work vibrating dildos.


Charlie: [Appraises the drawing thoughtfully] Ooooh, I thought it looked familiar!


Austin : I doubt if it is the latter, Charlie would surely have recognised that.


Alice: I think she's less into their maintenance and more of an end user.

Boddy: And what are you? A back end user?


Austin : [Thinking] Either way, we need the Fatebook!


Charlie: [To Sebastian, haughtily but flushed] Do be serious! Of course I remember! [To Austin] I quite agree, but if the Baring Meter is a person, we surely cannot destroy it/her/him!

;;; Sorry, Drew! I totally misread your post. That's what I get for

;;; posting too quickly! : O


Boddy: I wouldn't describe the Baring Meter as a person, but it is alive. It's probably one of the most evil, disgusting things that ever lived, but alive nonetheless.


Sebastian: Good. Why can't we kill them? They are a weapon from another realm, a weapon intended to be used against us.

;;; It's okay, made for more interesting role play haha


Austin : Perhaps we can take it from Sven and use it as a weapon against the demon invasion?


Harvey: Excellent, Private! But what is Sven up to, eh?

;;; Sorry, folks! Been afk this morning. Oh, and We have a double bank

holiday so I'll be out Monday and Tuesday.

;;; Shooting off early tomorrow as well


Sebastian: Well let's get back up there and find out Colonel


Dur: Errr, first perhaps we should ask Boddy what the Baring Meter actuallylooks like so we can ensure it's distruction this time?=


Sebastian: Oh yeah, didn't think of that.

;;; that's me done for the day, see you tomorrow


Austin : [To Body] Could you describe the Bareing meter to us?


Alice: Or even what can the Baring Meter do? He seems to have destroyed the whole place with it!

Boddy: [Nods earnestly] Both questions sound good to me!


Boddy: Nope. Sorry, I've never seen it.


Charlie: Right. Any advice on how we might keep it from harming us?


Harvey: Or how we might destroy it, by the saints?


Boddy: The best way to keep it from harming you is to start running and get the hell out of here. It would take something hugely powerful to destroy it -- an Orb of Calamity. Frankly, if I had one, I'd probably be taking over the world and enslaving all of you.


Austin : [Concerned] Well, that you for being so candid. [To the party] Perhaps stealing the Baring meter is a better idea after all?


Alice: So how do we kill the Baring Meter?

Boddy: You don't.


Charlie: [Reluctantly] Perhaps a retreat is in order, then?


Boddy: [Rummaging through the safe] Aha! [Face lights up as he takes out an apple and takes a huge, loud bite out of it] Or you could kill whoever controls the Baring Meter.


Dur: And who is controling it now?


Austin : You mean kill Sven in this case?


Boddy: [Gestures at Austin with his apple, addressing Dur] What he said.


Charlie: [Uncomfortably] What a horrid suggestion. Sven may be misguided, but we certainly are NOT going to kill him!


Alice: [Loudly] Agreed! Agreed!

[Everyone turns and looks at her.]

Alice: With the not killing part!


Charlie: Perhaps we could try reasoning with him? He may be a spy, but he appreciates excellent scholarship! [To the party, modestly] He is a fan of my work, you know.


Boddy: [Fixes Charlie with a steely gaze] We're all fans of your work.


Clint: Speak for yourself!


Harvey: [To Boddy] Well, I do what I can, what? It's not easy commanding a troop such as this, you know!


Charlie: [To Clint] You must be literate to be a fan of my work! [To Boddy, flattered] Why, thank you! But to whom does that [finger quotes] we refer?


Harvey: [To Boddy] Well, I do what I can, what? It's not easy commanding a troop such as this, you know!

Boddy: Not you! That article about how skinny girls with pointy elbows make the best lovers was just fascinating.


Clint: Very skinny girls, even? Sort of invisible if you stand at the wrong angle to them?


Charlie: [Stung] What?! I would never write such fluff! I only write on serious subjects, such as cryptozoology and demonology!


Boddy: Oh? Sorry, Dr. Rourke Bourke, I must have you mistaken with someone else!


Charlie: [Gasps] How dare you! That wretched woman is the bane of my existence. [Evil smile] Well, WAS, anyway.


Sebastian: Wasn't that Miss Stick Insect?


Charlie: [Nods at Sebastian] The very same. [To Boddy, with a sniff] I am Dr. Charlotte Parker-Kensington, renowned cryptozoologist and noted demonologist. You can find my work in any proper library. I think you will find it much more rewarding that the trash you normally seem to read.


Harvey: Hmm, indeed. But we have a book to read. Or burn. Or something. I forget, but the details are irrelevant, what? What's important is that we proceed with the mission, Troop!


Last fro Heather #79

Boddy: True, that last thing I read about the proper naming and classification of newly identified creatures not yet proven to exist long being a significant problem for cryptozoologists was awful. Hardly any nude picture of boobies at all. And yeah, I'd heard that some disturbing weirdo stalker killed poor old Phoebes. [Sighs sadly] None could clean your teeth the way she could.

Alice: Hey! That wasn't a disturbing weirdo stalker, that was me!


Austin : [To Body] I'd skip the endlessly dull articles on mixed species Demon procreation. Once you have read one, you have read them all. Even the titles make me yawn these days.


Boddy: So anyway. I've got my loot, I guess I'll see you guys at the funeral?


Charlie: [Scowls at Austin. To Boddy] What funeral?!


Boddy: Yours!


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Harvey: Well, we might be there. [Frowns] Wait, what do you mean, our funeral?



Boddy: Well, it sure as hell won't be mine!

Alice: Maybe it might be that HARMA floozie upstairs?


Sebastian: Hopefully yeah, but not at our hands. We're all too busy standing around here gassing away to this guy, whoever he is, and I think all of us at some point now have said for us to get back up there. But, we haven't moved.


Austin : Move time! At last [To Body] Bye! [Heads up the stairs] .


Sebastian: I hear you Austin! [Follows Austin up the stairs] [To Boddy] See ya!


Alice: I didn't say we should move!

Boddy: All the more reason why you probably should move!

[Exit the party upstairs.]

;;; End of scene


[Book VIII, Act IX, Scene VI. Second floor at HARMA HQ. ALICE, AUSTIN, CHARLIE, CLINT, DUR, HARVEY and SEBASTIAN are here, having just arrived up. The place is a wreck, and even more bodies litter the place. Off to one side, the party can see AMELIA, lying on the ground.]


Dur: [To Amelia] Honestly! You people find the oddest times to take naps!


Charlie: [Goes to look at Amelia] Hello? Are you injured? Or perhaps faking to get attention?


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Harvey: [To Amelia] On your feet soldier! We don't tolerate sleeping on duty around here, what?!?

;;; Ok, that's me done until Wednesday. Those people in the UK, have a

good bank holiday!



Last fro John #4

Amelia: [Irritated] I was faking it to avoid attention!


Austin : [To Amelia] Thank heavens you are alright. [Considers his situation] The last thing we need around here is another corpse. [Offers to help Amelia to her feet]


Amelia: Thanks Austin, but, actually, you know, I think I'm quite comfortable here.


Charlie: [Looks around, shocked] What caused all of this? Surely not Sven?


Amelia: Why don't you run along and see? I'm sure he's upstairs.


Dur: And leave you here defenseless to be devoured by the beasts in this building? Hardly! Perhaps you should come along. We will, errr, let you take = the front and defend your flank.


Amelia: No, that's quite alright. I'd rather not have you doing anything to my flank. Now, quick, off you go. Shoo!


Austin : [Watches Dur standing there. To Amelia] He is not particularly good at Shoo'ing, is he.

;;;awa hame


Amelia: Nor are you!


Sebastian: She has a point. To the next floor troop! [Starts heading for the stairs to the third floor]

;;; Are we taking Monday and Tuesday off for the Bank Holiday and the Jubilee?


Austin : [To Amelia] And you are not very good at pretending to be dead. I suggest more practice.

;;;; off Monday, and Friday and 8th - 18th June


Amelia: [Stretching out on the floor] You know what would help? You people not talking to me!


Austin : There in lies the flaw in your ruse. It is the living that talk, and the dead that are silent. Usually.


[AMELIA lies still.]


Sebastian: Well then, that's that settled then. On we move.

;;; Only post from me today as I'm heading out. I assumed we were

taking a day off for the Jubilee


Charlie: [Regarding Amelia critically. To Austin] Say what you will about Pestilence, you cannot deny he is much more lively than your girlfriend!


Alice: [As the party head up] Is it just me, or is that a really weird thing for her to do? I mean, I know she's Aus' girlfriend and all, so, you know, by def, totally strange, but wouldn't it make much more sense for her to just get the hell out of here?

;;; It's not a bank holiday everywhere!


Austin : [To Amelia] Perhaps you would like to come with us, it might be safer? [To Charlie, curious] I was not talking about Pestilence, what made you think that I was?

;;;; out for the rest of the day :)


Charlie: [To Austin, patiently explaining] I did not mean to suggest that you were, in that particular moment, talking about Pestilence. I just meant that, though admittedly he has a minor fault or two, at least he is not dull. [A touch smugly] Unlike your girlfriend.


Clint: She's here to be seen and not heard. If she can cook, she's pretty much the perfect woman!


Dur: [Comically] Zing!


Alice: And maybe if she was really dead, she'd be even perfecter, because then she could bear to be around you two!


Clint: Nah, everyone knows dead chicks can't cook.


Alice: But at least they can't escape!


Charlie: [To Alice, urgently] Do NOT give him ideas! Before you know it, Mr. Scar will also have a [finger quotes] girlfriend, one stitched together with shapely but decaying body parts from various dead prostitutes!


Alice: [Gasp] Would that include [lowly] male prostitutes?


Charlie: [Primly] I am quite sure I do not wish to know what Mr. Scar seeks in a mate, though I am certain he will enlighten us shortly, and in the most disgusting manner possible. [Looks at Clint expectantly]


Clint: Only the girly ones!


Alice: Oh, well that's fair enough. Lots of guys are like that. [Suddenly self conscious] I mean, ew! Deucie would never do something like that!

;;; Recall, Deuce was once spotted leaving a brothel back in 7.4 having:

;;; "experienced the thrill of a beautiful woman sneezing on you."


Charlie: [Wrinkles her nose, disgusted] Yes, well, moving on, what shall we say to Sven, should we find him?

;;; How could we ever forget! : O


Alice: How about "What are you doing?"

[In the background, the party can see AMELIA crawling away.]

;;; Stuck in a meeting for two hours


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Harvey: Or perhaps we should say "You dastardly blaggard, by the saints!"



Charlie: [Watching Amelia creep away] Perhaps we should bring her along? She might prove useful in navigating the building.


Alice: Hey! What has she got in her hand?

[AMELIA seems to be stuffing something into her shirt.]


Sebastian: Stop right there Amelia, or we shall throw you in to a pond!


Amelia: [Looks back] No you won't. [Runs off]

Alice: Sebastian! What are you doing? It's not Clint you're trying to threaten!


Sebastian: I have no idea, just the word pond seemed to go with her name. Shall we chase after her then?

;;; Sorry been watching Season 5 of Doctor Who.

;;; Wouldn't we have had time to pounce her seeing as she had to get

up off the ground first before running off?


Charlie: [Calls out to Amelia] Please, come back! What have you got there?! [To Austin, in a low voice] Oh, do control your woman, won't you?!


Dur: Stop that tart! [Runs after Amelia]

;;; I hate that we have to wait til the fall for the new season >.<


Alice: Hey! I'm standing right here!

[CHARLIE and DUR pursue AMELIA, and will easily catch her.]

;;; No, we'd already headed up the stairs, she stayed lying on the ground


Clint: [Sticking with the bulk of the party to keep an eye on them.] Awful fast for a dead woman, isn't she?


Charlie: [To Amelia] Stop! We do not intend to harm you. We just want to see what you are hiding.


Alice: What? She's not the first dead woman you've tried to catch, eh?

[DUR leaps at AMELIA and knocks her to the ground.]

Amelia: Ow! Get off me, you oaf!


Amelia: [Stopping a sheet of paper that she was hiding from slipping out] I'm not hiding anything!


Dur: Gladly, once you have produced what it is you're hiding from us! Or perhaps I'll have to force an examination to find out? Nurse! Probulator! Sta= t!


Clint: No, you're not. That's your problem!


Charlie: [To Amelia, holding out her hand] Mr. Scar is quite right! Now, show us the sheet of paper at once!


Sebastian: [Calls out] I'd do what they say Amelia, the doctor is in the house. Trust me, you don't want the doctor in the house, because next he will be in you!


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Harvey: Indeed, particularly since you are, ahem, [Carefully] deceased, what?



Alice: [Gleefully] And you'll be even more deceaseder when we're finished with you! You'll be sorry for what you did to Deuce?

Amelia: Deuce? You mean Prof. Hilliard-Montgomery-Carthington? That ass grabbing lunatic should be in jail!

Alice: Hey! Come on, let's punch her in the stomach!

;;; Gone for the day!


Charlie: [Tries to restrain Alice] Let's not be hasty. [To Amelia] While your characterization of Deuce suggests that you do know him, I cannot imagine why you think he should be imprisoned! Mere lechery, though distasteful, is hardly a crime. [Thoughtfully] Or is it? [To Clint] Mr. Scar?


Austin : Everyone should calm down. [To Charlie] Firstly, Amelia is not my slave, and only a fool would suggest that I own her, as I clearly don't. Though now that you mention it I do like the idea. Next, whilst lechery is not a crime, sexual assault is, and it sounds as though Amelia may have a case, and may require a lawyer. [To Ameila] Do you wish to pursue legal action against Deuce?

;;; sorry, jammed in meetings all day.

;;; in tomorrow

;;; off to Beijing on Friday until the 18thJune :)


Alice: [Looks at Austin like he's crazy] What the hell are you talking about? [Shakes her head] Whatever happened to you with that HARMA bitch has made you even crazier.

Amelia: [To Austin] No. I wish to pursue it against [gestures to Dur] this idiot, and the rest of you for harassing me when I clear asked you to leave me alone.


Charlie: [Firmly] Show us that piece of paper, and we shall leave you to play dead and/or slink away to your heart's content!


Amelia: No! Never! [Curls up in a ball]


Sebastian: Well we could always just knock you out and take it, or what if your boyfriend Austin asked you for it?


Amelia: Typical Path-Ethics! You think violence is the answer to everything, don't you?

Alice: Not everything, no, but [to Sebastian] probably this, right?


Austin : [To Amelia] Unfortunately they were just as violent before they had ever heard of the Path. May I see the paper? I'll give it back.


Amelia: [Gives Austin a dirty look] Do I have a choice?


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Harvey: [To Austin, indignant] I say, Private Sleaze, I'll have you know I've never been a particularly violent man, what? Five invasions, four pogroms, a dozen or so witch-hunts, and a rather nasty bar fight are all the violence I've ever seen!



Charlie: [To Amelia, feigning surprise] Oh, must you ask your husband for permission before acting? How very old-fashioned!


Amelia: Don't make the mistake of thinking that I fear my man as much as you fear your husband.


Charlie: [Haughtily] You know nothing about me or my husband if you think that. Now, show us that paper, or we shall restrain you and take it from you by force.


Amelia: [Sneers at Charlie] Sure I don't. [Hands over a number of torn pages]

[The pages have been ripped from a book, and are only the top halves. There is some unreadable writing on them, in an alphabet that no one has seen before, but there are several (drawn) pictures of people. These include PESTILENCE, SVEN and several others.]


Charlie: [Examines the pages eagerly] Oh, how marvelous! We MUST learn what this means. [Looks critically at the drawing of Pestilence. To Amelia] No doubt THIS is how you see him, but it does not capture his true personality in the least. [To the party, disgusted] They have made him look quite mad!


Alice: [Looks at the picture] Huh. I thought they made him look positively cuddly!


Sebastian: [To Amelia] See, that wasn't too hard now was it? I take it Sven has the rest of where these came from?

;;; Sorry for vanishing, internet went down in my entire area for 2 hours.


Amelia: Wow. You must be the smart one. [Sarcastically claps]

[ALICE wipes away a tear. Clearly, she's on the verge of crying.]


Dur: [To Amelia] Why did you take only these pages from the book? What meaning do they hold for you?=


Austin : [Sarcastically, looking at Dur] And then there is the not so smart one. [Offers Amelia a hand up. To Alice] What is the matter?


Alice: I think you've found your perfect woman, Aus!

Amelia: [Looks Dur up and down with disgust] I see what you mean, Austin. [Slowly and loudly] They were the only ones I could get before the bur- before your friend came in and destroyed the place.


Austin : [To Alice] Nearly perfect. Amelia is Anti-path, after all. [Sighs, jokingly and smiling] At least one of us is perfect. [Checks his nails]


Sebastian: [To Austin] Perfection is but an illusion, the unattainable dream. You sir, are therefore deluded. [To the party] Besides, what is this Anti-Path and Path Ethics anyway?

;;; Sorry is Sebastian has asked this already, can't remember.

;;; This is my 3 posts for the day. See you tomorrow.


[There is another crash from upstairs.]

Amelia: Is this really the time to discuss it? You people have to go to your Path-Ethic friend, I have to take my papers back and get out of here.

Alice: You mean Deuce's papers.

Amelia: Sure. I have to take Deuce's papers, which are now mine, and get out of here.


Austin : I was joking! [Frowns] Anti-Paths want to save the world but are gong to destroy it. Path Ethics want to save the world and will do their very best to do so. That's us. [Looks up the stairs] If we had the Fatebook it would be much easier to explain. They basically believe that everyone should be equal, we basically believe that we will need some heroes to save the world, hence not everyone will be equal because some of us are heroes. [To Sebastian] Good enough explanation?


Charlie: [Holds the papers protectively] Not a chance! Go back to playing dead, perhaps.


Amelia: [To Sebastian] He forgot to add that Path-Ethics are selfish, self deluded lying idiots. [Holds out her hand] Give me my papers.


Charlie: [Stubbornly] No. These must be studied and those studies published extensively. We thank you for your assistance, but our position is firm on this particular subject.


Alice: Plus [blows a big raspberry at Amelia] Come on, let's go talk to Sven!


Charlie: [To Amelia, reassuringly] I shall mention you in the acknowledgments, if that is any consolation. [To Alice] Indeed, let us see what he has to say for himself! [Tucks the papers into her blouse then heads up the stairs]

;;; Probably my three!


Dur: [Waves his hand in a small circle and cast Command on Amelia] You willgive us these papers...


Amelia: I already have given you the papers, you idiot! [Turns and storms off]


Dur: That trick always work on the weak minded! Now let's get after Sven for the rest of the book!=


[The party head upstairs as AMELIA storms away downstairs.]

;;; End of scene, next one coming right up!


Austin : [Sighs, watching Amelia leave. To the party] The worst part about being on the Path is having to put up with a bunch of morons like you lot. Why can't you be nice to Ameila?


[Book VIII, Act IX, Scene VII. Upstairs at HARMA. ALICE, AUSTIN, CHARLIE, CLINT, DUR, HARVEY and SEBASTIAN are here, slowly heading up the stairs.]

Alice: [To Austin, lowly] Because she's a bitch, that's why. And Aus, it could be worse. You could have to put up with morons like you!


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Harvey: She positioned herself as the enemy and one isn't 'nice' to the enemy, what?



Sebastian: But is she really a bitch? You lot and her are on opposing sides of the same religion, of course there is going to be aggressive tendencies towards one another. I just thought that was how you guys handled things so was joining in. Now I know it's about religion, I think I may have to start acting more like myself.


Clint: Just don't start acting more like the lawyer!

;;; Poor Austin!


Austin : [Looking very put out. To Alice] I had hoped you two would get on. [Sad] I guess not.


Charlie: [To Austin, with mock sympathy] Yes, it IS trying when one's mate is the subject of ridicule and scorn, is it not?

;;; Have a blast in Bejing, Dom! I loved it!


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Austin : Please do me the courtesy of refraining from comparing my girlfriend to an ancient demon, there is no sensible comparison to be made.

;;;Ta! SHould be fun :)



Charlie: [Smugly] I quite agree. There is no comparison.


Clint: Oh, get a room, you two!


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Alice: She's right, though, Clint. One of them represents all that is evil in the world and is hell bent on destroying all that is good and right, and the other is Pestilence!


Charlie: [Beams proudly] Oh, isn't he WONDERFUL?! [Composes herself] Now, let us find Sven!


Alice: Little what? [Whinily] Au-us! Little what?

;;; Plane about to leave???

[The party go up the rest of the stairs, and spot SVEN in the far side of the room, rooting through some books. He takes a quick glance at the cover of each, before tossing it aside.]


Charlie: [To Sven] Mr. Goring, might we assist you?


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Sven: That would be great! I'm looking for the rest of The Books. --Apple-Mail-BD481509-7553-45D9-B252-7158079904A9 Content-Transfer-Encoding: 7bit


Charlie: Could I see the books you have found already?


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Last from Heather 14

Sven: 'fraid not, Charlie. It could only lead to an ul dignified struggle when you guys refuse to give them back and I get all moany.



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Harvey: Good point, though if you don't let us have a look, Private Parker-Kensington might get moany - you know how she can get, what?



Sebastian: I'm sure she's not that bad


Sven: Oh, well, in that case, [gives a big smile] I won't bother giving it to you!


Charlie: What do you intend to do with these books, Mr. Goring?


Dur: Perhaps if you are honest with us, we can work something out! [Dur casts Zone of Truth] =


Sven: You know, I'd really prefer if you didn't ask me any questions.

Alice: Why?

Sven: Come on, Shooter!

Alice: What?

Sven: Yeeesh! Do you want me to kill you?

Alice: Do I want you to what?

Austin: Alice, please stop, or I'LL want to kill you!

Alice: [To Sven] Austin will want to kill me too?


Sven: [Gives a sheepish grin, and doesn't seem to react to the spell] Yeah, that's unlikely, I'm afraid. If I tell you, I'll have to kill you. Now, no one wants that, do they?


Charlie: Well, WE certainly do not, but I am not convinced it would bother you!


Sven: Hey! Don't be all down on poor old Sven! I don't want to hurt anyone [gives a slightly evil grin] well, hardly any one!


Dur: Seems the honeymoon is over 'ey? And we used to be such good friends! [Whispering to the group] Is it ass kicking time yet?=


Clint: [Whispering back.] Maybe even clobberin' time!

;;; I predict this will not end well!


Sebastian: [Whispering back] Don't forget he's got the Care Bare's weapon

;;; I predict a riot


Clint: [Whispering back, and hoping Sven's somehow not getting suspicious.] Ah crap, I forgot about that thing. We need a plan!


Alice: [Loudly] What? What's everyone whispering about?


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Harvey: [Also loudly] Plans are overrated, Private Scar! What we need is a *strategy*, what?



Austin: [Straightens a cuff] Don't be preposterous, Colonel. We need a *gambit*.


Dur: [Frustrated] Perhaps we should focus less on what we call it and focusmore on the execution!=


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Harvey: I say, execution? Who's being executed?



Clint: Harv, you are the very model of a modern major general. How 'bout "Everybody get 'im!" It's elegant in its boldness and simplicity!


Charlie: [To Sven, raising her sword] Mr. Goring, I do not wish to fight you, but do not underestimate my passion for ancient texts!


Sebastian: [To Sven] Only a fool would underestimate her passion for books. Are you that fool Sven?


Sven: Only a fool would underestimate the power of the Baring Meter. Are you that fool?

;;; No posting from me today!


[No one says anything for a few moments.]

Alice: Uh, I think that maybe we all are.


Clint: After knowing us all these years, do you even have to ask that question?


Charlie: [Hesitates] Well, it very nearly killed me last time, but-- [abruptly attacks Sven] .


Alice: But what? What? Why don't people finish their--

[CHARLIE charges towards SVEN, but a small boy, PERIK SULLIVAN steps in front of her.]

Perik: [Calmly] Whatcha you doing?


Charlie: [Clumsily stumbles to a halt. To Perik] Young man, you shouldn't be here! This is a dangerous place.


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Harvey: Indeed, you can tell it's dangerous because we're here, what?



Perik: Sure. But it just seems kinda strange and all, you know, considering... [tails off]


Charlie: [Impatiently] Considering what? We have a battle to wage, so time is of the essence!


Perik: Oh, it's nothing, just, well... yeah, I'm sure Pestilence isn't out torturing people who've been kind of annoying, or, you know, that your party won't be defeated and that each of you will end up alone, dying miserably in a grotty hotel room, not found until the neighbours complain the police about the smell.


Dur: Perhaps the young lad is seeking a good Orphanarium? You know, one that doesn't burn down?=


Perik: No, I'm fine here, thanks. Well, other than the constant forced bathing. I guess it'll soon be time for the quarter-hourly bath. I just hope they don't shave off all our hair this time.

Austin: [Screams like a girl] No! [To the party] Look, I'm sorry, I know this book is important and all, but this is our hair... [looks around at the others] well, let's be frank, my hair that we're talking about here. [Somewhat hysterically] My hair!


Dur: [Squeels like a girl and freezes in place] Did you say b-b-b-bath?


Charlie: [To Perik, defensively] Of course Pestilence isn't torturing anyone! [Hesitates] Unless he has a very good reason. [Worriedly] Most likely.


Perik: No, I said "bath".

Alice: [Looks at the others] What the hell is wrong with you?

Perik: I know, it's weird. It's like they've suddenly broken out in a bunch of zits, and their beautiful face has become so scarred and pock-marked that people won't be able to overlook their obvious shallowness and will thus treat them with the same sort of disdain and disregard that they themselves have treated people with all their lives.

Alice: Huh?

Perik: You've got a spot on your nose.

Alice: Aiiiieeee!


Charlie: [To Perik, enraged] What do you know about Pestilence? Who is he torturing?!


Perik: [Shrugs] I don't know. Probably some innocent who doesn't deserve it, and certainly not Bustin Jeibers, the popular singer/songwriter who's on is way to sing a medley of his most annoying tunes.


Charlie: [Slightly relieved] We-ell, he is not precisely an innocent, to be fair. [Quickly] Though Pestilence really shouldn't be torturing without a better reason!


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Harvey: [To Perik] Well, that won't do, will it, eh? He should begin torturing Bustin Jiebers immediately!



Sebastian: [Turns pale, whispering slightly] A-a-alone? In a dark hotel room? Never getting married? Never having a family? [Starts to move closer to the others, very close] We're not going to die alone right? Get separated from each other and end up nothing but a bad smell?

;;; Sorry internet has been down all day, again


Perik: I think I can hear some Bustin Jiebers music right now! [Tries to listen for it]

Austin: [To Sebastian] Forget that! Let's get out of here before my hair iscut!


Clint: Let's get out of here before they start playing too much Bustin Jeibers!


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Harvey: I say, can anyone hear some sort of noise in the distance? It sounds almost like someone molesting a dying cat with a cheese-grater, only much worse. [Ponders] In fact, it sounds like [Pales in horror] Bustin Jiebers! Run!!! Hide!!! RETREAT!!! [Runs round like a headless chicken, before stopping and falling to the ground in a fetal position, quivering]



Sebastian: [Wraps his arms around Charlie] Hold me please! I do not want to die alone!


Charlie: [To Sebastian, pulling away from him, horrified] Have you lost your mind?! Do you want Pestilence to flay you?!


Perik: No need to worry, Pestilence won't do that. He's probably too busy out doing something really evil with Will. [Does a double take on Alice] Yikes! Not so close! A squirt of pus from those zits would knock me down.

Alice: [Drops to her knees] Noooooo!


Sebastian: [To Charlie] I don't care, as long as I am not alone! And it's not dark!


Clint: I'd rather die pimply and alone than have to listen to that stuff. Run away! Run away!


Dur: I agree! Running away is disgrace is way better than being forced to bathe!


Perik: I think running away is a super idea. You and Austin could run away together, Clint, and spend the rest of your lives, hiding from the shame. Who knows? You might strike up a beautiful friendship. Maybe more!


Clint: [Cinematically.] Noooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!

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Alice: [Desperately checking her face, which has not zits at all] Aiiieeee! I'm covered in zits.

Perik: Wow. Things are really turning out bad for you guys. It might be best to just throw yourselves off the building and into the fire.


Charlie: [To Perik, astonished] You're the Baring Meter, aren't you?!


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Harvey: [To the party] By the saints, don't leave me! No colonel left behind, what?!?



Sebastian; [Practically screams at Harvey] Stop saying that word!


Perik: Wow. It sure does suck to be you guys. At least Deuce will recover quickly if Alice throws herself off the building, otherwise it would be really embarrassing if he had to date an ugly girl.

Alice: [Despairingly] He's right!

Perik: [Nods and smiles] Do it! [Suddenly looks startled, and blood comes out his mouth.] Ow.

[A sword protrudes from PERIK's chest. He has been stabbed from behind. Suddenly, everyone feels normal -- well, as normal as these people can feel, at any rate -- again.]

Perik: Well, that's not great. That's not even good!


Charlie: [To Perik, triumphantly] Take that, you horrid thing!


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On 13 June 2012 10:37, Heather <heather.goggans@gmail.com> wrote:

Harvey: [To Sebastian] What word, what? Make sense, man, what? Horses for courses and all that, what what what?

;;; Sorry Drew, had to be done! :)



Alice: Who did that? They just saved us! I bet it was Deucie!

Austin: Nonsense, it was almost certainly Amelia!


Sebastian: [Screams in utter frustration] ARRRRRRRGGGHHH!

;;; Wouldn't be Queens View any other way :D


Charlie: [To Alice and Austin] Do be serious! It was surely Pestilence who saved us!


Sebastian: [Calmly] That feels better. Hey maybe Sven came to his senses and saved us?


[PERIK drops to his knees, before falling on his face, dead. Behind him stands TAREK TARDELLI, a man in a smart suit and a yellow tie. He quickly pulls the sword out. TAREK is about thirty feet away from the party.]

Sven: [Looking over] Hey! The Baring Meter!


Charlie: [To Sven] The little boy, or the YTG?!


Sebastian: Doctor Parker-Kensington, given the facts before us, and also behind us, it is prudent to conclude the boy is, or was as the case may now be, the Baring Meter. Given the weapon was once property of the Care Bares, and the Yellow Tie Guys are from another realm to them, I doubt a Yellow Tie Guy would in fact be the dreaded weapon of the Care Bears. Also, take in to account we all returned to our normal selves only after the Yellow Tie Guy thrust his blade through the young boy and ended his life. Plus the boy was appearing to have great amount of fun at our own personal inner perils.


Alice: Furthermore, given that Sebastian now seems to be some sort of scientist type, we can only conclude that Sven is a big poopy head.

[SVEN pulls out an orb which he smashes on the ground in front of him, creating a large, swirling circle.]


Sebastian: [To Alice] What? Didn't I tell you when we first met that I am a physicist? [Looks back at Sven at the smashing] Going somewhere?


Sven: Yes.

[SVEN jumps into the swirling hole and it disappears after him.]

Alice: You did, but we never hear you talk physicistitis! [To Tarek] What now?

[TAREK turns and runs, clearly aiming to leap off the building.]


Charlie: Grab him! [Tries to tackle Tarek]


[TAREK is too far away, and, when he gets to the edge, he stands for a moment and looks back.]

Tarek: Your god has lost control. [Leaps off]


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Harvey: Gah! Hmm, well he seemed a bit of an odd fellow, eh?



Sebastian: That's rich coming from any one of us.

;;; Out for rest of day


Charlie: [Baffled] What on earth did he mean? Phili has lost control?


Alice: Lost control? The guy's an idiot!

[The party stand at the edge of the building and peer over onto the surrounding carnage. The town is littered with bodies, and demons roam the streets freely, picking off people at will. It is a dark moment, and a sombre mood descends.]

Alice: [Suddenly spotting Deuce] Deeeeeeeeuciiiiiiiiiiie! I loooooooooove yoooooooooou!

;;; End of Book VIII, Act IX. Next one coming right up