08.01.001

[Book VIII, Act VIII, Scene I. The Mountain Top. ALICE, AUSTIN, CHARLIE, CLINT, DUR, HARVEY and SEBASTIAN are here, all unconscious, in their underwear. Beside them is what appears to be a pirate ship which is on fire.]

Alice: [Still bruised, but clearly time has passed since the last scene] What the hell? [Looks down at her underwear] Oh man! The one day I don't wear flouncy underwear!


;;; And there we will leave it until TUESDAY.

08.01.002

Dur: [Sits up frowning] This is not a good sign. Perhaps we all need an examination. Nurse! Fire up the probulator!

08.01.003

Sebastian: What the [looks around] hell is going on now? [Notices his state of undress, then the others] Awww come on!


;;; Typical, I finally get on and the day is over lol.

;;; Was Alice even in the restaurant when Harvey attacked Herbi?

;;; Kevin you had me laughing in post 45, typing the wrong name.

08.01.004

Austin : Tragic clothing loss aside, are you not more concerned that we are standing atop a mount beside a burning pirate ship? We were discussing the colonel's health only a moment ago, in a hotel.

08.01.005

Harvey: Indeed that was most bizarre, what? How did that all get sorted out? And I wonder where we are...?

08.01.006

Austin : [Looking Alice over] Well, sometime seems to have past. We have either been unconcious or lost our memories.


;;;; conferencing until Wed eve, so erratic posting, probably none tomorrow!

08.01.007

Dur: Which seems to be happening to us all to often these days!

08.01.008

Charlie: [Looks down at her ludicrously frilly pink underwear and gasps] It was laundry day! These were all I had. [Composes herself] Ahem. Yes, you are quite right, Dur! Excellent point.


;;; Just a reminder! Our hard-working

;;; GM is away today, but posting will

;;; be back to normal tomorrow.

08.01.009

Alice: [Horrified] What the hell is going on? Are there any pirates around?

08.01.010

Charlie: [Looks at the ship] Is THAT how we arrived? Perhaps we should see if we can find anything in the wreckage.


;;; Is there any searchable part of the ship, or

;;; is it all on fire?

08.01.011

Harvey: Indeed, that is a good suggestion. We should also take a look around see what else we can see here...


;;; I take it we're on an island or something?

08.01.012


;;; No!

[The ship is very small, and most of it is on fire, although there is a large chest just off to one side. A quick scan of the landscape shows that the sea is nowhere to be seen.]

08.01.013

Charlie: [Excited] Oooh, a mysterious chest! How thrilling! [Tries to open the chest]

08.01.014

[The chest is full to the brim of pirate clothes.]

Alice: Where are all the pirates?

08.01.015

Harvey: Perhaps they abandoned ship, what? [Reasonably] After all, it is on fire.

08.01.016

Charlie: [Eagerly pulls on some of the clothes] Quite right, Colonel, and obviously not seaworthy!

08.01.017

Harvey: Possibly related to the fact it's on fire, what? [Searches for something resembling an officer's uniform] . Perhaps if we can find the captain's cabain, we might find some charts and learn where we are, eh?

08.01.018

Alice: It's weird to see all these flouncy looking pirate outfits without a whole bunch of semen, isn't it?

Austin: [Chuckles] I think you mean "seamen", Alice.

Alice: No.

Austin: [Shivers] Ew.

[HARVEY shows that there's a huge range of pirate related clothing, from captains to hookers, but it is also insanely flouncy and jewelry laden, and is simply dripping poor taste.]

Alice: Wow! This stuff is greeaaaaarrratte! [Can barely contain herself] See what I did there? I took a normal English word and put an arr in there, I mean, in theaarrr!

08.01.019

Sebastian: Curious, bad taste pirate clothes, a pirate ship on fire, and no sign of any sea or ocean. I still don't get why we're in our underwear though [shrugs his shoulders and starts routing in the chest for something his size]

08.01.020

Alice: I'd be more worried about how this pirate ship ended up halfway up a mountain!

08.01.021

Charlie: [Donning a white pirate shirt with crazily billowy sleeves] Indeed! Perhaps we are in another dimension, one where the laws of gravity work differently? Oooh, let us conduct some experiments!

08.01.022

Alice: Really? Cool! [Picks up a rock] I bet if I throw it up in the air it'll just float off!

[ALICE throws the rock straight up. It comes straight back down again and clobbers her on the forehead.]

Alice: Ow.

08.01.023

Harvey: [Now clothed in a ridiculous pirate captain's uniform, with a billowing ruff and 3-pointed hat] Hmm, perhaps we should conduct our experiments in a less dangerous fashion, eh? Besides, it could be that a monstrously large wave deposited the ship here.

08.01.024

Last fro John #23=20

Dur: [Donning a far too revealing prostitute's outfit] Perhaps it was some form of airship...=

08.01.025

Alice: [Now wearing a strangely revealing ship's doctor outfit] It doesn't look like there is any damage to the surrounding area, either. If it was a wave, wouldn't that have happened?

08.01.026

Dur: I think it is a little premature to rule anything out, nurse. After all, moments ago we were somewhere else entirely only to awake here.=20

08.01.026

Sebastian: [Finds a white fluffy shirt, a blue hat with a big green feather, bright yellow fluffy pirate pants, and purple boots] I think we've been kidnapped for some kind of experiment

08.01.027

Charlie: [Alarmed] Who would dare?! I have exclusive publication rights for any and all findings associated with the Queens View party!

08.01.028

Austin: Perhaps you should furnish me with the legal documents as soon as we return to civilization? I shall sue the appropriate party forthwith on your behalf, with a minimal percentage for myself, as well as one for overheads.

Alice: [To Dur] How do you know we were somewhere else moments ago? Maybe we were here? Just unconscious!

08.01.029

Clint: [Puts on a pristine, if garish, pirate outfit, which is soon not pristine any more.] Yes, Bimbo, before that.

08.01.030

Alice: [Smugly to Dur] See, Doctor? Nurse always knows best!

[The party take a quick look around, and find the name of the pirate ship. "The Happy Pirate Costume Store".]

Alice: That's a crazy name for a ship!

08.01.031

Clint: I know! Who's afraid of happy pirates? Arr!

08.01.032

Charlie: What on earth were we doing at a costume store?! We are heroes, with no time for that sort of nonsense!

08.01.033

Alice: Maybe we set it on fire?

08.01.034

Charlie: [With a sniff] Surely I would have proposed a more efficient way to have avoiding going to such a place. [Looks around] Does anyone recognize this place?

08.01.035

Alice: I'm sure you would, but it would surely have been way less fun!

08.01.036

Charlie: Perhaps you have too limited an idea of fun! [Slips on a pair of boots] Now, let us explore the area and try to learn our location. Chop-chop!

08.01.037

Harvey: [Seriously confused] Hmmm, I don't remember anything about what happened after we left that restaurant. [Shocked] Did I really try to kill a waiter?

08.01.038

Alice: [Soothingly] Of course not! You just tried to strangle him. Remember? Just before I ousted that evil Phoebe?

08.01.038

Charlie: [Scolding] Indeed you did, Colonel! Your behavior was most shocking, though I must say I am relieved to hear that you now realize how uncharacteristic your behavior was! Are you feeling well? What made you behave so aggressively?!

08.01.039

Harvey: [To Alice, relieved] Thank you, my dear, that makes me feel much better! [To Charlie] I have no idea what made me act in such a manner - it was like I was possessed. But you'll be glad to hear that I am back to my old self and absolutely in command of the Troop, what?

08.01.040

Charlie: [To Harvey, sympathetically] Oh, dear! You are still a bit addled, I fear, as I am in charge of the group. [To the party] Right, now let us explore this area at once.

08.01.041

Alice: [Applauds happily] Yay!


;;; Dom is out today

Austin: Please spare us your petty squabbles. [Gestures to his crazy pirate get up] I need proper clothes as a matter of urgency!

[The party do a quick search around the ship, and discover nothing of any real interest. However, the ship is very small, probably no longer than twenty feet, and doesn't appear to have any sails.]

08.01.042

Sebastian: [Finishes putting his outfit on] Does anyone even recognise where we are? [Looks out at the landscape surrounding the mountain they are on]


;;; Only post from me today

08.01.043

Dur: Don't look at me. I'm a Doctor not a cartographer!

08.01.044

Alice: Nor someone who makes maps!

08.01.044

Charlie: Well, perhaps we should try to find a nearby town. Does anyone see a road or perhaps some smoke?

08.01.045

Harvey: Hmm, no I can't see any smoke. Perhaps we could start a fire, and we'd see the smoke from that, eh? Private Parker-Kensington, go collect some wood!

08.01.046

Alice: I bet you have a big piece of wood, Harvey!

08.01.047

Charlie: [To Alice, shocked] Alice, please! That is for the Colonel's wife to know, and possibly five or six of her closest friends.

08.01.048

Alice: What do you mean? I was talking about his wooden leg! Surely all pirate captains have wooden legs, don't they?

08.01.049

Clint: [Nods in agreement.] Well-known fact. Wooden legs, and a hook for a hand and an eye-patch. Sounds like kind of a crap job, really!

08.01.050

Charlie: Yes, it is a high-risk, low-reward type job, not unlike that of university professors!

08.01.051

Alice: Oh please! With the amount of blow jobs they get? They're the ones who should be paying the university!

08.01.052

Harvey: [Hastily] Not that you'd know, of course, Alice! Now, let us scout the area and see if we can spot some high ground with a good view of the surrounding landscape, what?

08.01.053

Charlie: Splendid idea, Colonel! Let's go, group!

08.01.054

Alice: True, but I was at so many parties at university, it was almost like I was enrolled there!

[The party climb further up, and can see from their position that there is almost no way that a wave washed the ship up here. After establishing that there is nothing of interest in that particular direction, and after arguing for twenty minutes about which way is north, the party climb around the the top of the hill (facing south, in the opposite direction) and can see, off in the distance, a small town. However, there is still no sign of the sea.]

08.01.054

Alice: True, but I was at so many parties at university, it was almost like I was enrolled there!

[The party climb further up, and can see from their position that there is almost no way that a wave washed the ship up here. After establishing that there is nothing of interest in that particular direction, and after arguing for twenty minutes about which way is north, the party climb around the the top of the hill (facing south, in the opposite direction) and can see, off in the distance, a small town. However, there is still no sign of the sea.]

08.01.055

Charlie: Right, I suppose we had better walk toward that little town, then! Fall in behind me, group! [Starts heading toward the town]

08.01.056

Clint: I wonder what they'll say when half a dozen guys dressed up as gay pirates walk into town? [Follows.]

08.01.057

Austin: "Oh that must be Clint."

08.01.058

Harvey: "...and Austin". [To Charlie] Very well, Private, you may take point.

08.01.059

Alice: Do you think they'll know us?

08.01.060

Clint: [Looks down at his poofy shirt with disgust.] Phili, I hope not!

08.01.061

Harvey: Indeed! It can be quite dangerous dealing with some of the people we know, what? [Muses] Though I do wonder if they'll be able to tell us anything about how we arrived...

08.01.061

Alice: Look! [Bends down to pick up a leaflet that was on the ground] It's a flyer for that non-Sexy Penis band! Remember? Penny and Isobel?

08.01.062

Charlie: Marvelous! We must be in our dimension, at least. That's a relief, though it is most unsettling, waking up with no memory of the night before, wearing nothing but one's underwear. [To Alice, earnestly] However do you cope with it?!

08.01.063

Alice: Oh please! I almost never wake up in a strange location with no memory and find myself wearing THAT many clothes!

08.01.064

Sebastian: [To Alice] Well almost never is better than never at all [laughs, starting to limp slightly as the team manouvered the terrain and Charlie led them towards the town]

08.01.065

Charlie: [To Sebastian, noting the limp] Did you injure your leg?

08.01.066

Sebastian: Hurt my leg? [Looks at her confused, then realises he is limping and laughs] Oh that, no I didn't. I've got weak ankles, guess they just haven't started acting up since I met you guys a few days ago until just now.


;;; Actually that's a point, how many days have passed in Queens View

since Sebastian joined the group?

08.01.067

Harvey: Well, you must keep up. We have a long way to go, what? [Continues to march towards the town, a short distance away]

08.01.068


;;; Probably a week that he remembers, although how much time has

;;; passed since the last act? No one knows!

Alice: Wow! That is a long way.

[Within two minutes, the party arrive at the town.]


;;; End of scene, next one coming right up!

08.02.001

[Book VIII, Act VIII, Scene II. A Town Called Horse. ALICE, AUSTIN, CHARLIE, CLINT, DUR, HARVEY and SEBASTIAN are here, passing the "Welcome to Horse". It is little more than a village with a smattering of shops and houses. The party are immediately set upon by BARKY, an irritatingly yappy dog.]

Alice: Hey! Is that dog wearing my shirt?

[This does appear to be the case.]

08.02.002

Charlie: [Wrinkles her nose] Who would dress their pet in such revealing clothes? How tasteless!

08.02.003

Austin : Indeed, it looks uncomfortably small for that creature.

08.02.004

Alice: Hey! It's got my skirt too! [Horrified] And that better not be my "Extra Slutty" red lipstick!

Barky: Bark! Bark!

08.02.005

Austin : No I think that might be "Scarlet Harlot", [Ponders] Maybe not. You are probably correct.

08.02.006

Sebastian: Wow, I wouldn't have thought you to be an expert on lipstick shades Austin

08.02.007

Alice: Forget that! How did that bitch get all my stuff?

08.02.008

Charlie: Now, let's not rush to judgement. It could be a cross-dressing male, rather than a bitch.

08.02.009

Alice: Eek! That's even worse!

08.02.010

Harvey: Now, my dear, don't be predudiced, what? After all, Private Sleaze isn't *that* bad, eh?


;;; Sorry! Couldn't help myself :)

08.02.011

Austin : [To Harvey] They are talking about the dog, colonel. Can you hear me? [Loudly] The dog, colonel! They are talking about the dog! [Waves his hand infront for the colonels face] Hello? Anyone home?

08.02.012

Harvey: Eh, what's that? [Quietly, to Charlie] I'm a little concerned about Private Sleaze. He mentioned something about talking to the dog. [Cheerily, to Austin] Never fear, Private! We'll soon have you back on the mend, eh?!? [To no one in particular] No, where the devil are we?

08.02.013

Alice: Horse!

08.02.014

Charlie: Indeed! So, why don't we try speaking to some of the locals, and see if we can determine how we arrived to such a peculiar place? [Scans the town] Perhaps the local general store?

08.02.015

Dur: Perhaps the dog knows?

08.02.016

Sebastian: [Lowers himself to the dogs level and speaks to it] We are lost and don't know where we are. Can you take us to someone who can help us?

08.02.017

[BARKY urinates on a fire hydrant.]

Alice: If he knows, he's not telling. Oh, and I think we can be sure that it's a boy dog. Now, where on earth can we find the general store? [Looks at a nearby shop, called G N R L ST R] Maybe these guys might know?

08.02.018

Charlie: Splendid idea! [Strides toward the GNRL STR and tries to open the door]

08.02.019

[CHARLIE opens the door to reveal TONY BLAND, a bland looking individual wearing a beautiful looking Hugio Choss suit.]

Tony: Hi there, strangerers!

08.02.020

Clint: Yo! [Pauses.] Uh... nice dog?

08.02.021

Tony: [Checking out his reflection in the mirror] Oh, he's been unbearable since he got his new dress.

08.02.022

Harvey: [Understanding] Hmm, yes, I would be too.

08.02.022

Austin : [Battling a scream. To Tony] You are wearing my suit! Where did you get it from? [Agast] That's my shirt too!

08.02.023

Tony: [To Harvey] Yeah, it is understandable. [To Austin] No it's not. It's mine. What kind of weirdo do you think I am? Do you think I'm the kind of person who would trick a bunch of drunken oafs into swapping their clothes for directions to a costume store halfway up a mountain?

08.02.024

Austin : [Through gritted teeth] Yes I do! Give me my suit back right this very moment!

08.02.024

Charlie: You've seen us before?!

08.02.025

Tony: Uh, no. [To Austin] Hey, it's my suit. [Shows it off, and how it is a good three inches too short] See? Perfectly tailored for me!

08.02.025

Austin : [To Tony, furious] Retun my clothes and possesion right now or there shall be more trouble than you can imagine!


;;;; awa hame!

08.02.026

Tony: Whatcha gonna do? Sue me? Round up all the people in the village who have new clothes and accuse them of stealing your things too?

08.02.027

Clint: Uh... yeah?

08.02.028

Harvey: [Nods] Sounds like a plan to me, what?

08.02.028

Tony: Hm. Well, that's not great.

08.02.029

Sebastian: [To Austin] Hey Sleaze, want me to singe his eyebrows if he doesn't hand our clothes back over? [Starts to flex his fingers]

08.02.030

Charlie: [To Sebastian] Now, let's not be hasty! [To Tony] How did we happen to arrive in your quaint little village?

08.02.031

Tony: Yeah, let's not be hasty! It's not like you need to threaten to damage my grandpa's old clock that means the world to me. [Gives a furtive yet obvious glance at a hideous looking cuckoo behind the party, before continuing to Charlie] You got here on a carriage, demanding horse penis breakfast baps.

08.02.032

Harvey: [Beams with fond memories] Ah the good old horse penis patties, eh? Excellent food for the trail! [To the Party] And I'm sure the time the entire 4th Infantry Division caught food poisoning was absolutely nothing to do with the fact they were eating horse penis patties, what?!?

08.02.033

Charlie: Do be serious! The only penis I've had in my mouth is--er, what direction did we travel from, did you happen to notice?

08.02.034

Tony: [Mysteriously] Maybe I did and maybe I didn't.

08.02.035

Austin : [Sharply to Tony] Give me my clothes back or the clock is firewood!

08.02.036

Tony: [Visibly sweating] What clock?

[The clock strikes 12, and a cuckoo pops out.]

Cuckoo: Cuckoo! Cuckoo!

Tony: No Dave! Stay out of sight!

08.02.037

Sebastian: [Flexes his fingers again] Do I get the toast the clock since I can't do his eyebrows then? [Smirks at Tony] Or shall we just take off his socks and shoes and tickle his feet with the feather in my hat?

08.02.037

Charlie: [To Tony, impatiently] Oh, will you just return his clothes? Otherwise, he will sulk all day! =20=

08.02.038

Dave: Cuckoo! Cuckoo!

Tony: No, Dave! No!

Alice: [Grabs Dave the cuckoo] Gotcha!

08.02.039

Charlie: [To Tony] You drove us to this! Now, from what direction did we approach?

Tony: [Hangs his head in sorrow as he takes off his trousers] From the east.

Alice: [Looks horrified] Where are your underpants?

Tony: Jim got those.

08.02.040

Austin : [Takes the trousers. To Tony] And the rest [gestures to the jacket and shirt] Who took my shoes?

08.02.041

Dur: [Raises an eyebrow] Are you sure you want those back Austin? After this man has been in them presumably all day while 'unsheathed' so to speak?=

08.02.042

Tony: Hey! I did hardly any jogging in them! [To Austin] They were so small and dainty we gave them to a little girl.

08.02.042

Charlie: [Shudders at Dur's words] Quite! [To Tony] Remind me, what large cities are located east of here?=

08.02.043

Austin : [Putting his trousers on. To Tony] Shirt and jacket too, or the cuckoo gets it.

08.02.044

Tony: Don't hurt him! [Takes off his sweaty shirt]

Alice: [Sniggering at Tony] Idiot. [Dave escapes from her hand and pops back into the clock] Hey!

Dave: Cuckoo! Cuckoo! [Pecks Alice on the head] Ow!

Tony: [To Charlie] Apraxia is the nearest place, but they're all snobs there.

08.02.045

Harvey: Right, off to Apraxia then!

08.02.045

Charlie: Just because one does not enjoy the company of sheep and the uneducated does not make one a snob!=

08.02.046

Sebastian: What about the rest of our clothes? And our belongings? W're not just going to bugger off to Apraxia without them are we?


;;; Has Sebastian been to Apraxia with the party already? The name

sounds familiar

08.02.047

Tony: Hey! There's nothing wrong with uneducated sheep! You know, they do all sorts of things that the ones with fancy book learnin' would look down on.


;;; Yes, that's where Charlie's house is, where the party were prior to

;;; the last act.

08.02.048

Austin : [Takes his shirt and jacket] We should go to Apraxia promptly. I have dire need of the services of a dry cleaner.

08.02.049

Tony: And the sheep sure do like that suit, my friend!

08.02.050

Dur: Ba-a-a-a-a! [Coughs] Excuse me. Why are we going back to Apraxia again, when we were seemingly traveling away from there to begin with?=

08.02.051

Charlie: Well, given that we have no idea how we got here, perhaps we would do well to go somewhere familiar!=

08.02.052

Dur: Oh! I get it. You want to go where your husband is. Sheesh Charlie, can't you keep it in your pants until we figure out what's going on here! May= be we were coming this way for something important and can't afford to waste our time back tracking!=

08.02.053

Alice: Hey! Maybe we should go to Idioza! [To Tony] That's where my fiance hangs out.

Tony: Is he a sheep?

Alice: No!

Tony: [Shrugs] Then why should I care?

08.02.054

Sebastian: It's all fine and well having some sort of mission we can't afford to waste time over, but it doesn't help we can't remember it. We need to retrace our steps, find out what we were actually doind to end up here. Tony did say we were drunk when we got here after all.

08.02.054

Charlie : [Defensively] There are a good many non-sexual reasons I should like to go to Apraxia. For instance, Will's Mat Vitzbah, which is coming up in= -- [To Tony] er, what is the date today?

08.02.055

Alice: [Nods at Sebastian] Yeah! Let's get drunk!

Tony: It's February 20th.


;;; That's a week after the party's last memory...


;;; Gone for the weekend!

08.02.056

Dur: Did we mention where we were going?

08.02.057

Clint: Or what we were going to do when we got there?

08.02.058

Harvey: Well, clearly, Private Scar, we were going to give the blighters a jolly good thrashing, what?!? [Looks confused as he tries to remember who the 'blighters' are]

08.02.059

Austin : I suspect we merely attended the Sexy Penis gig, including the mandatory after party, and that is how we ended up here.


;;;;; out for most of the day! Sorry!

08.02.060

Sebastian: To be honest, I'm actually inclined to agree with Sleaze

08.02.061

Harvey: [Nods thoughtfully] Indeed, Private Sleaze may be right. However, I would like to learn more of our exploits at this (ahem) party. After all, I did try to kill - sorry, strangle - a man, what? And I do feel quite different now, so I wonder what precipitated the change, eh?

08.02.062

Tony: You told me that you were on the way to the costume shop to hire some pirate gear, as you'd lost all your clothes.

Alice: What Sexy Penis gig?

08.02.063

Charlie: [Wails] It can't be the 20th! Will's Mat Vitzbah was on the 18th! Hurry, we must get to Bodenringham Manor at once. Pestilence must be going mad with worry, and poor will must be heart-broken!

08.02.064

Alice: Forget that! Did we miss a Sexy Penis gig?


;;; Well?? Did we???

08.02.065

Charlie: [To Alice] Do be serious! Remember, we saw those wretched girls, with the misleading name, not the real Sexy Penis! Thankfully, I do not recall having heard them perform, though. Now, we really must be going. Let us find a carriage!

08.02.066

Alice: But it's not misleading any more! Remember? I put a new name on their flyer for them. I bet they're very relieved now not to have such an embarrassing name.

08.02.067

Sebastian: Maybe we did listen to them, and it was so soul scarring we drank ourselves in to a week long episode of amnesia?

08.02.068

Clint: As long as we had a good time doing it!


;;; So I've been fighting a truly ridiculous case of insomnia all night.

;;; Will get back to that battle in a bit... but understandably, I hope,

;;; I expect my posting will be pretty limited today!

08.02.068

Charlie: [To Sebastian] I should very much doubt that. I never drink to the point of intoxication! [To Alice] Wait, where is that flyer you found?

08.02.069

Alice: Here we go! [Shows the flyer]

[The flyer has the new band name written across it in big, friendly white letters: "CUMSTAIN", with a nauseatingly perky and wholesome picture of Penny and Isobel beneath it.]

Alice: See? I took the first few letters from Penny's name -- Stainer -- and the first few from Isobel's name -- Cumberland, and made a cool new name for them. Isn't it great? They must have been so delighted when they saw it that they threw us an enormous party!

Austin: [Studies the flyer and reads from it] "Where once there was a Sexy Penis, there's now a Cum Stain"? Hm. I think that rather than "an enormous party", you probably mean "off a very high cliff", Alice.

Alice: [Shocked] Well, if you're going to pronounce it like THAT, then sure, it sounds weird.

08.02.070

Harvey: [Nods] And perhaps, as we were thrown off a cliff, we landed on our heads producing the memory loss, what? [To Alice, consoling] We understand, as innocent of the world as you are, you weren't to know that the name could be misinterpreted, eh?

08.02.071

Tony: Ah! That could explain why [nods to Harvey] you had to get that Cum Stain off your back, I suppose!

08.02.072

Charlie: [To Tony, horrified] What on earth do you mean?!

08.02.073

Tony: He had a big Cum Stain down his back, down between his ass cheeks. Must've been pretty painful!

08.02.074

Harvey: Gah! I assure you I did not! Perhaps you are confused and are thinking of Private Sleaze or Private Parker-Kensington, what?

08.02.075

Charlie: [Glares at Harvey] I should think not! [To Tony] Could you describe this so-called [primly] stain in a bit more detail?

08.02.075

Alice: [Offended] Hey! Or me!

08.02.076

Tony: It wasn't a stain, it was a tattoo!

08.02.077

Charlie: [Stifles a laugh] Colonel, show us your back!

08.02.078

Harvey: By the saints, I will not! [To Tony] I demand you cease this defamation at once! [To Austin] Private Sleaze, you must sue this man for his slanderous accusations!

08.02.079

Austin: [Enjoying Harvey's discomfort] For it to be slanderous, Colonel, it has to be untrue. Can you be sure that you do not have such a tattoo? [Looks around the party] Did anyone examine Harvey's back when he was naked?

Tony: I did!

08.02.080

Charlie: [To Tony] How dare you invade his privacy in such a way! [Delighted] Now, describe the tattoo, in as much detail as possible!

08.02.081

Sebastian: No I didn't see his back, but I guessed it was a tattoo he was on about. We are no so fortunate as to be blessed with the chance to make fn of Harvey for something so terrible as anything other than a tattoo [Chuckles wickedly] Now Colonel, remove your top and prove it untrue, prove that he speaks slanderously of you!

08.02.082

Charlie: [Nods enthusiastically] Indeed, Colonel! Prove him wrong, so that he will leave us in peace.

08.02.083

Dur: We just got clothes back on him, are we sure we want him to start taking them off again so soon?=

08.02.084

Harvey: [Nods] Indeed! Besides, it is improper for a commander to be so unclothed in front of his troops, what? I should only disrobe before a competent medical professional, which we lack at the present time.

08.02.085

Dur: [Crosses his arms] I've changed my mind, Colonel. Perhaps it is best that you submit to the will of the 'troop'.=

08.02.086

Sebastian: Nonsense Colonel, Dur is more than competent at being a medical profesional. He even has Alice as his nurse. How much more professional can you get than having your own personal nurse to travel with you?


;;; cackles all evil like

08.02.086

Harvey: Gah! Mutiny! Dissention in the ranks! I should have you all court marshalled!


;;; Heh, sorry Kevin - it had to be done! :)

08.02.087

Dur: Perhaps you should just lead by example, Colonel. If you revel you have nothing to hide, then this 'mutiny' will be quelled!

::: Ha. It's no problem. Dur is used to it. *sigh*

08.02.088

Harvey: Very well. [Gives the Troop his most withering glare, which makes him look like he has something in is eye] But, mark my words, you have not heard the last of this, by the saints! [Takes off his pirate coat, then turns round and lifts the back of his shirt]

08.02.089

Alice: Cool! I'll give him a sponge bath! [Thinks for a moment] Er, that is...

[HARVEY bares his back, and the party can see that there is no sign of any tattoo.]

Tony: See?

08.02.090

Sebastian: Maybe it was just a henna tattoo and washed off?


;;; assuming they have henna tattoo's in the Queens View universe

08.02.090

Austin : No. [To Harvey] Colonel, now we have adequate grounds to sue for slander. Shall I begin preparing your case? For a small fee, naturally.

08.02.091


;;; Yes they do!

Tony: Not a chance, none of them were!

08.02.092

Charlie: [Puzzled] What do you mean, NONE of them?!

08.02.092

Austin : Well it could have been the real thing?

08.02.093

Harvey: [To Tony] Now, see here! Just what game do you think you're playing, eh?

08.02.094

Tony: I call this one "standing in front of a group of strangers naked". It's the one I usually play before playing "Defecating into a dangerously overfull bucket in front of a group of strangers."

Alice: So Harvey wasn't the only one who had a tattoo?

Tony: Which one is Harvey?

Alice: [Points him out] Him!

Tony: No. You all did.

08.02.095

Dur: Were they all the same tattoo?

08.02.096

Sebastian: I was just wondering that exact same thing Doctor.

08.02.097

Tony: Wasn't anyone wondering what happens after playing the defecation game?

All: No!

Tony: Yeesh! Okay, okay! [To Sebastian] Nope, everyone had different ones.

08.02.098

Charlie: [Crossing her arms] I can assure you, I would never have consented to be tattooed.

08.02.099

Tony: What if Pestilence told you to? After all, you are his [finger quotes] property!

08.02.100

Harvey: And what of the rest of us, eh? [To the Party] Troop, I suggest that this man has taken leave of his senses and we never had any tattoos at all.

08.02.101

Sebastian: Does that mean we can all sue him for slander? And Sleaze can represent us all, including himself! Huzzaaargh! [Fist pumps the air while making the last part sound as pirate like as he can]

08.02.101

Charlie: [Shocked] But I would never subjugate myself to a man, except in the course of marital roleplaying, etc.

08.02.102

Tony: Good to hear. [Gives the party a sly smile] Which ones are Clint and Austin?

08.02.103

Charlie: [Points to Clint and Austin] They are! [Warily] Why do you ask?

08.02.104

Tony: CS and AS?

08.02.105

Sebastian: Yup, Clint Scar and Austin Sleaze. Why do you ask?

08.02.106

Tony: [Literally dancing on the spot with girlish glee] Ohmygod! Ohmygod! Ohmygod! I would never have guessed! That's just so totally rare!

08.02.107

Sebastian: What is so rare exactly? [Looks totally bewildered]

08.02.108

Tony: [Puts his arm around Sebastian and looks off into the distance] The love between two men, the unabashed, unashamed, unselfconscious, tattooed-on-their-asses forever love that would help society to understand that a man and a table really can be in love.

Alice: Er, Seb, you do know that the guy is still naked, right?

08.02.109

Harvey: And still insane!

08.02.110

Austin : [Shocked] Nonsense! [Drops his pantaloons and checks his behind for tattoos]

08.02.111

[Clean as a whistle and twice as hairless.]

Alice: [To Tony] Are you just making this stuff up?

Tony: If I was, how would I know that [points at Sebastian] he has a thing for Care Bares? Why else would he have ten of them tattooed across his chest?

08.02.112

Austin : [Pulling up his pantalons] No, I did not think so. [To the party] He may be a compulsive liar, we should be most wary of any imformation he gives us.

08.02.112

Charlie: [To Sebastian] Have you a [finger quotes] thing for Care Bares?! [To Austin and Clint, equally amused and stunned] And are you two . . . in love?!

08.02.113

Sebastian: I most certainly do not! [Adamantly, then asks to the party] Do I? [Undoes his shirt to see if there are Care Bear tattoos]

08.02.114

Clint: [Growling.] Chuck, don't make me rethink my "no punching broads in the face" policy...

08.02.115

Austin : [To Clint] He is a man, Mr Scar. Surely you did not mistake him for female? Or have you extended your repertoire beyond sheep these days.

08.02.116

Harvey: Surely no-one could ever mistake Private Parker-Kensington for a woman, what? A man's man, so to speak!

08.02.117

Charlie: [Raising an eyebrow] Do suggest that to my husband sometime, Colonel. I should be very interested to hear his response!

08.02.118

Harvey: You are right - you have my most sincere apologies and I stand corrected, what? You are absolutely a *demon's* man. Now that that's sorted, let us proceed with the mission. [Blinks] What was that again?

08.02.119

Charlie: [Authoritatively] We are going to Bodenringham Manor. Now, let us find a carriage at once! [To Tony] Where is the carriage we arrived in?

08.02.119

Alice: Maybe Clint mistook Austin for a woman and that's why they were so in love? Come on guys, don't shy away from it, it could be beautiful!


;;; Sorry Kev, I need to control Dur for a moment!

Dur: The mission, Colonel, is to find out about these tattoos. [To Tony] Did I have one?

Tony: Yep, I'm not sure, but I think it might have been a kidney.

Dur: A kidney? That seems highly unlikely. Could it have been a spleen?

Tony: Uh, I guess so.

Dur: Hm, it does seem like the kind of tattoo I'd get.

08.02.120

Tony: You traded with Dr. Stein.

08.02.121

Charlie: Well, then, where is the carriage we acquired from Dr. Stein?

08.02.122

Austin : I think he means that we traded our carriage for something else. [To Tony] Do you know what was traded for what, where, and by whom?

08.02.123

Tony: He's right -- you gave your carriage to Dr. Stein. He had one of his staff remove your tattoos. [To Austin] You traded your clothes for a bottle of champagne, and the rest of you traded yours for party items, like steaks, expensive wine and the like. Oh, and in one case, a piece of second hand bubble gum.

Alice: [Blowing a bubble] Heh! What idiot did that? [Pop! The bubble bursts] Hey look, there's something written on the back of Austin's jacket!

[This is true. It says "Narcisiculus."]

08.02.124

Sebastian: Perhaps we should go see this Dr Stein then troop? [To Tony] And you! You could have mentioned earlier before we started looking at each other that we'd already paid someone to remove the tattoo's!

08.02.125

Tony: Yes, I could.

[There is a screech of carriage tyres outside, and the doors swing open. Enter DR. GEORGE "JD" DORIAN, a doctor covered in blood.]

JD: Hi guys! Feeling better?

08.02.126

Charlie: [Looks the doctor up and down] Slightly worse, in fact! Did you remove some tattoos for us yesterday?

08.02.127

JD: Sure did, Prop.

08.02.128

Charlie: My name is not [finger quotes] Prop! It is Dr. Charlotte Parker-Kensington, but you may call me Dr. Parker-Kensington. Now, may we have our carriage back?

08.02.129

JD: No.


;;; Yay! Shortest QV post ever!!

08.02.130

Charlie: Could we perhaps barter for it? We really must get to Apraxia as soon as possible.

08.02.131

JD: Hm, interesting, what've you got?


;;; Out for about and hour

08.02.132

Clint: Some slightly used bubble gum?

08.02.132

Sebastian: Some rather tasteful pirate costumes?


;;; out for an hour

08.02.133

Austin : Before we barter anything we should really check the merchandise. It could have deteriorated considerably since last we saw it. [Casually checks his nails]

08.02.134

Last from Dom 133

Alice: Plus, it would give us a chance to just grab our stuff and leg it thehell out of here. [Spots JD's incredulous look] Er, I mean, to give us a ch= ance to count up the 500gp we want to give him.=20

JD: Wow! 500gp? Really?

08.02.134

Harvey: Erm, I think she meant 5.00GP, what?

08.02.135

Sebastian: Oh no Harv, she meant 500GP.

08.02.136

Clint: But we'll throw in the previously used bubble gum for free!

08.02.137

Charlie: [To JD] What do you say? Have we struck a bargain? [Offers her hand]

08.02.138

Alice: Hey! That bubblegum is mine, mine I tell you, all mine!

JD: Go on, throw in the bubblegum and it's a deal.

08.02.139

Harvey: [Consoling] Never mind, my dear, we shall find you some gobstoppers when we reach Apraxia, eh?

08.02.140

Alice: But this one tasted like chicken!

Tony: That's because I had chicken for dinner yesterday.

Alice: [Hands the bubblegum to Harvey] Here, you can have it.

JD: Alright! I'll be back in a few minutes!

08.02.141

Sebastian: [To the party once JD is gone] So who has 500 GP?

08.02.142

Charlie: [To Sebastian] I'm afraid the plan is to steal to the carriage at first opportunity. [Sighs] It is so much easier to be morally upright when one has a bit of pocket change!

08.02.143

Clint: At least this time we're not stealing a bus from an orphanage or something like that...

08.02.144

[Enter JD.]

JD: Right! I've got all your stuff outside in the carriage and put some petrol in the horses. The kids at the orphanage were a bit unhappy about losing their carriage, but, oh well.

08.02.145

Harvey: They'll just have to walk - the excercise will do them good! [To the Party] We should inspect the carriage, take it for a test drive to make sure all is in order, waht? [Taps his nose and winks conspiratorially at the party]

08.02.146

Austin : I do hope the dry cleaner is open when we get there. [Frowns at the 'Narcicilius' written on his jacket]

08.02.147

Charlie: [To Harvey] Very wise, Colonel! Come, group, let us take it for a spin around the block. [Tries to enter the carriage]

08.02.148

[The carriage is open, and it appears as though all the equipment is there.]


;;; Drew is out today

Sebastian: Great idea, Charlie! [Leaps in] Hm, suspension seems a little soft.

08.02.149

Charlie: [Hops in the driver's seat] Oh, dear, I see what you mean--most alarming! [To the rest of the party] Do join us and see what you think!

08.02.150

[Everybody but ALICE leaps into the carriage.]

08.02.151

Charlie: [To Alice, coaxingly] Alice, dear, do join us! The sooner we assess the soundness of this carriage, the sooner you can reunite with your [tries unsuccessfully to repress a cringe] beloved Deuce.

08.02.152

Austin : [To Alice] Is there a problem? You really should try before you buy! [Relaxes back in his seat] Ahhh, this is almost as comfortable as it used to be!

08.02.153

JD: So, uh, what's going on? How come you all need to try it out?

Alice: My colleague's writing out an Experican Amess travellers cheque to cover the exorbitant cost of getting our carriage back.

JD: Well, I sure would appreciate it.

Alice: I'd better check up, see show he's doing, see I have to sign it too, as do the rest of the party. I usually sit in the carriage and write it out on the glove compartment lid. Okay? [Walks to the carriage feeling her pockets] Need a Pencil! [Sits in] Drive! Drive like the wind! I mean, like the wind!

08.02.154

Charlie: Let's go! [Starts the carriage and tries to drive off]

08.02.155

[The carriage zooms off into the distance, just as the "Good Ole Boys" band arrive.]

JD: [To the Good Ole Boys] Are you guys with the union?


;;; End of scene

08.03.001

[Book VIII, Act VIII, Scene III. The Carriage. ALICE, AUSTIN, CHARLIE, CLINT, DUR, HARVEY and SEBASTIAN are here, driving at speed.]

Alice: Oh man! That was the greatest hustle in history! Look! [Chews loudly] I've still got my bubblegum!

Sebastian: I thought you gave it to Harvey?


;;; This is true -- 08.02.140

Alice: Oh, that's right. [Stops chewing] What a gyp!


;;; Out for 1.5 hours

08.03.002

Harvey: [Stops chewing] Why, would you like it back, my dear?

08.03.003

Alice: Of course I would! How else am I going to get it stuck in my hair?

08.03.004

Charlie: [All business] Right, now we need to find some wonderful presents for Wilhelmina, to show her how much we care and didn't forget her Mat Vitzbah. [Inspired] I shall get her a microscope-- [dreamily] oh, how well I remember my first!

08.03.005

Dur: [Forgetfully] Her what?

08.03.005

Austin : You could paint her an explanatory picture, or embroider a tapestry of scenes entitled " Mummy went to a party and got blind drunk and woke up several days later, naked and lost, but didn't forget her darling daughter's Mat Vitzbah". [Ponders] Or perhaps an oil painting. The colours and textures are so rich.

08.03.006

Charlie: [Scowls at Austin grouchily. To Dur] It's a coming-of-age ceremony of sorts. Terribly important to Pestilence, as it is part of his heritage. [Proudly] He's been planning it for ages. He's such a wonderful father!

08.03.007

Alice: Does part of the Matt Hatvisa involve getting naked and lost halfway up a mountain?

08.03.008

Charlie: [Primly] Goodness, no. That would not be at all appropriate for a children's party.

08.03.009

Alice: How about for a demon's party?

08.03.010

Charlie: [Firmly] Pestilence couldn't possibly be behind this. He would never leave me so exposed!

08.03.011

Alice: How about for a scientist's party? Deuce told me that they can get pretty wild. You know, white boards, jackets with leather pads on the sleeves, nerdy glasses, pocket protectors, boring books, cocaine, hookers, reading, equations, that kind of thing.

08.03.012

Charlie: [Giggles] Oh, you're SO right! There is nothing more thrilling than a long night of hard science! [Fans herself girlishly]

08.03.013

Alice: Ew! Those geeks make me sick! [Digs out her clothes] Hey! There's something written on my back too! [Holds it up for the party to see, "Scortori"] What the hell could that mean?

08.03.014

Austin : [Lighting a cigarette, and casually blowing some smoke rings, pauses] It means prostitute.

08.03.015

Alice: What? How do you know that?


;;; And the answer can't be Google!

08.03.016

Dur: I wonder if we all have something written on the backs of our old clothes?


;;; Is it latin? Don't the courts use a lot of Latin terms for things?=20

08.03.017

Harvey: And are they all untrue?

08.03.016

Austin : [Pauses. To Alice] It is latin. Probably also the root of the word 'escort'. Someone wrote on the back of my jacket too, remember [Shows Alice the back of his jacket]

08.03.018


;;; It's based on Latin, but there ain't no Latin in Queens View!

Alice: I don't even know if that's what it means!

08.03.019

Austin : Indeed, it could have a plethora of interpretations.

08.03.020

Charlie: Except that it is the name of a demon, I believe. [Doing her best to assume a lecturing stance while still driving] The Scortori is a six-horned demon obsessed with deflowering virgins and draining them of blood at the moment of climax--his, not theirs, one assumes!

08.03.021

Austin : Why would you presume that? From the amount you enthusiastically rant about your sex life with a demon one would assume that you have had at least one orgasm during the process.


;;; awa hame!

08.03.021

Harvey: Hmmm, an acquaintance of Pestilence, perhaps? [Checks his own clothing]

08.03.022

Charlie: [To Harvey] He would never associate with such a creature! [To Austin] And he has never raped a virgin! [Weakly] Though, yes, he has killed more than a few of them.

08.03.023

Alice: What else have people got?

Sebastian: [Holds up his jacket] Brevilis. Anyone heard of that?

08.03.024

Charlie: [Disappointed] No! Is there anything on my jacket?

08.03.025

Harvey: I once had a coffee maker with Brevilis written on the side. I lost it at the Battle Of Senility, I believe. We were charging at the enemy and the damn fool who was working it tripped and dropped my beloved coffee maker, smashing it to pieces. I'd have had him court marshalled and executed, but he'd also smashed open his skull on the coffee pot. Ha! Talk about poetic justice, what!?!?


;;; Does Harvey's clothing have anything written on it?

08.03.026

[Everyone has something on the back of their jacket. HARVEY has "Esurion", CHARLIE has "Visculus", DUR has "Vulgivagus" and CLINT has "Immundatus".]

Alice: What the hell could these mean?

08.03.027

Charlie: It's as if someone labeled us with cruel nicknames, like those horrid girls in the Xi Eta Pi sorority! Alice has been dubbed a demon rapist, and Harvey a brand of coffee pot?! What peculiar taunts!

08.03.028

Alice: It's Sebastian that's the coffee pot!


;;; There's a new address for Tom on the list, please

;;; make sure that's on all messages from now on

08.03.029

Charlie: [Defensively] Given that I am also driving, I barely have the opportunity to jot down notes, let alone cross-reference them! Now, have any of the rest of you heard of any of the other names?

08.03.030

Harvey: [Regards Sebastien speculatively] Dur, we may need your expertise here - we need to determine where the filters go if our new coffee pot is to be of any use, what?

08.03.031


;;; Drew's not about?

Sebastian: I think I recognize Vulgivagus, that's another demon. [Laughs] Almost as unpleasant as Alice's one. This guy can move through walls, and often does so at night [waves his hands around mysteriously] to murder children in their sleep. I always figured it was just a way of scaring kids!

08.03.032

Charlie: [To Sebastian, dismayed] But I've never heard of him before! [To Alice, urgently] Oh, do take the wheel. I really must get a closer look at these names. Surely I can identify more of them, given that I am a budding demonologist!

08.03.033

Alice: [Still sitting in the passenger seat] Cool! [Reaches over and takes the wheel, causing the carriage to lurch about sickeningly as she does]

08.03.034

Sebastian: Oh, and Harvey, nothing, filters and all, will be getting inserted in to me thank you very much!


;;; They all sounds like spell names from Harry Potter I think

08.03.035

Alice: Oo-er! I bet that's what Clint said to Austin last night!

08.03.036

Harvey: And what about Esurion - is that the name of another demon?

08.03.037

Alice: [Enjoying Charlie's frustration] If only we had a demonology expert here!

08.03.038

Charlie: [Wails] But I AM a demonologist! [Flips through her notepad furiously while Alice has the wheel] Esurion! I must know that name.

08.03.039

Sebastian: She isn't saying you aren't one Charlie, she's just saying you aren't an expert of a one. [To Alice] Watch out for the bumps

08.03.040

Dur: Perhaps Charlies Man-Demon will have some useful information about these names.=

08.03.041

Charlie: [A tiny bit sullenly] Yes, but I want to be the one with the useful information!

08.03.042

Alice: [Swerving to hit the bump pointed out by Dur] Aw, cheer up, Charlie! You'll be the one to tell us how to get to Pestilence!

08.03.042

Dur: [Pats Charlies head] There, there!

08.03.043

Charlie: [Resolutely] I shall simply have to redouble my efforts to master demonology, that's all. When any hack knows more about demons than I do-- [to Sebastian, suddenly] wait, how DID you know about Vulgivagus, anyway?

08.03.044


;;; Drew is out?

Sebastian: [Chuckles] Oh, just something I came across in my magic studies. I thought everyone knew who Vulgivagus was.

Alice: [Struggling to keep the carriage under control] I certainly did!

08.03.045

Dur: Eyes on the road, nurse!


;;; Do we all know who one of the demons are?

08.03.045

Clint: I hate to say this, Sarge, but this sounds more and more like something went weird at your kid's party! Maybe it's an old demon tradition or something?


;;; Okay, hopefully this is better. Presuming this sends, it looks like

;;; webmail and the smtp server are back up, and we can take the new address

;;; back off the list, as I have done here!

08.03.046

Sebastian: Actually, Clint has a valid point there. Maybe we were supposed to be acting the parts of certain demons as part of Will's right of passage rather than Pesty getting the real ones involved? Maybe that's why we have the names on our clothes so none of us forgot who the other was meant to be? Still doesn't explain why we all had tattoo's and ended up all the way out here.

08.03.046


;;; Not unless you've been specifically told -- it's

;;; just Alice messing with Charlie!

Alice: [Looks back at Dur] Keep my eyes on the what? Speak up, will you! [To Clint] Oh please, Clint. If we were invited, it's a pretty safe bet that a lot of somethings went weird!


;;; Just let us know when to do it!

08.03.047

Harvey: [Urgently] The road, my dear, keep your eyes on the road! [Moves to take the wheel] Here, perhaps you'd best let me drive, eh?

08.03.047

Clint: Sure it explains why we had tattoos and ended up in the middle of nowhere... it was a *good* party! [Glances at Charlie.] Pestilence probably planned it.


;;; Guessing now is fine. =)

08.03.048

Alice: [Irritably to Harvey] I'm doing fine!

[There's a terrific squealing sound as the carriage rolls over some unidentified animal.]

Alice: Oh, he'll be fine! Three legs is still one more than we have, anyway!


;;; Done!

08.03.049

Charlie: [To Clint] Well, of course HE planned the party! He knew when he married me I would never be one of those [elaborate finger quotes] stay-at-home types!

08.03.050

Clint: Especially not if you're going to keep on waking up in strange towns with strange tattoos and strange clothes and no memory of the last week!

08.03.051

Charlie: [Dismissively] Like that's never happened to him before!

08.03.052

Alice: To Pestilence? Huh. Interesting.


;;; End of scene! Next one coming up, but first, a super

;;; important mail!

08.04.001

[Book VIII, Act VIII, Scene IV. The Carriage. ALICE, AUSTIN, CHARLIE, CLINT, DUR, HARVEY and SEBASTIAN are here, driving from Idioza to Apraxia. This scene takes place shortly after the end of the last act, and ALICE is explaining away her actions with PHOEBE.]

Alice: Look, I don't know what you're getting all bent out of shape about, I knew there was something weird about her, so I went to investigate!


;;; Please make sure you have read the non-game mail I sent out just

prior to this

08.04.002

Charlie: Well, it just seems a BIT odd that you didn't alert us first. [To the party] Isn't that right, group?

08.04.002

Dur: A professional nurse shouldn't go anywhere without her Doctor! Were you mad?

08.04.003

Clint: Are you kidding? This is Alice we're talking about. It probably slipped her mind.

08.04.004

Alice: Yeah, thanks Clint. [Defensively to Dur] I wasn't mad, just stupid. [Thinks for a moment] Hey! [Aggressively to Clint] Are you calling me an idiot?

08.04.005

Dur: [Crosses his arms] I just think there are a few people in this group who have begun to act very uncharacteristicly! [Makes the 'I'm watching you'= gesture at both Harvey and Alice] Honestly, all of you could do with a preventative physcial examination!=

08.04.006

Alice: Okay, I'll bite. How do you prevent a physical examination?

08.04.006

Clint: [To Alice.] No, I'm trying to save you from a physical!

08.04.007

Harvey: [Nods at Clint's words] Quite right. [To Alice] I'm sure Phoebe deserved whatever punishment you gave her, what?

08.04.007

Sebastian: Dur's right, both of you haven't acted yourselves recently, at least not the way you were when I joined this group about a week ago. Harvey, I've never seen you so uncontrolled and with out self discipline, which you have to admit is unbecoming behaviour for a Colonel. Though Alice, you are predictabley unpreditable in your actions so I'm not surprised you went lone ranger about Phoebe.

08.04.008

Alice: It wasn't punishment, it was self defence! [Looks at Sebastian] Uh, thanks, I think. You're right though, Harvey, you were a little weird with that waiter.

08.04.009

Dur: It was needlessly risky and dangerous is what it was! Not to mention alittle pathetic what with the whole desperate love song routine, but that'= s besides the point!

08.04.009

Harvey: [Grumpily] Nonesense, I, um-- I just thought the fellow could use a lesson, that is all. [Folds his arms sulkily]

08.04.010

Charlie: [To Harvey] Well, I do hope you try to control yourself in front of Pestilence. I've told him to look to the group as an example of how to behave!

08.04.010

Alice: It wasn't pathetic, it was catchy! [Folds her arms sulkily] And endearing! Deucie said it was hardly weird at all!


;;; Here comes Easter! No posting until TUESDAY.

08.04.011

Harvey: [Defending Alice] Indeed! It's not her fault it sounded like a banshee being forcefed a cat!


;;; Have a good Easter everyone

08.04.011

Sebastian: [To Alice] You are very welcome dear, and yes, it was meant as a compliment [pauses then sounds uncertain] I think.


;;; Happy Easter to all, or Happy Rampant Rabbit day if you know your

history! :P

08.04.013

Austin : Well, look on the bright side. No more Phoebe. That has to be a bonus, the woman was insuffarable.


;;; wow, you guys have been seriously busy!


;;;; happy chocolate day!

08.04.014

Charlie: [Trying not to smile too evilly] Yes, no more Phoebe!


;;; Aaaand a Happy Easter to all!

08.04.015

Clint: Yeah, we're better off without the skinny bint!


;;; Well, if you all insist, happy Easter to you, too!

08.04.016

Alice: Well, I had no problem with Phoebe, of course, I was just concerned about her general evilness.

08.04.017

Charlie: [Delicately] Yes, well, I do think perhaps it is time for you to reconsider your [hesitates to find the word] relationship, let's say, with Deuce. From an outside perspective, it seems he might not have the same goal in the [finger quotes] relationship as you. Do you see what I mean?

08.04.018

Harvey: But of course, it's entirely your decision and we'll support you in whatever you decide, [Pointedly] won't we, Private Parker-Kensington?

08.04.019

Charlie: [Supportively] Oh, of course. But, to be fair, if only ONE person in a [finger quotes] relationship thinks there IS a relationship, then is there actually a relationship? [Pragmatically] Studies suggest not.

08.04.020

Austin : [Examining his nails] Did the studies bother to determine whether or not anyone cared about the study? [Sighs] I do believe that we have a mission to complete.

08.04.021

Alice: Agreed! And Charlie, I'm sorry that you're still carrying a torch for Deucie, but the fact is, you're married to Pestilence, and you need to make the most of that.

08.04.022

Austin : Well said. Now, I believe that we have still not solved the mystery of the missing orphans, the YTGs etc. [To Charlie] All this talk of relationships with boy friends etc [waves his hand dismissively] really has no place in this party, we have some serious work to do and you should try to remember that at all times.

08.04.023

Alice: [Wags a scolding finger at Charlie] Really! You must try to remain focused. Now, will there be creamy cakes at the Hatz bar?

08.04.024

Charlie: [Proudly] Oh, yes! Pestilence has a passion for creamy cakes, and he has been trying his hand at baking lately. It's going to be a lovely party!

08.04.025

[The party arrive at the site of Bodenringham Manor. The manor was burnt down a few months ago, when CHARLIE's family were killed, but it has been completely rebuilt. However, in place of the majestic country house that was once there, there now sits a massive structure that looks more like a prison.]

08.04.026

Charlie: [Hops out of the carriage eagerly] Isn't it wonderful? Pestilence has worked so hard to rebuild the place!

08.04.026

Harvey: [Fondly] Ah, this brings back memories - I once ran a prison, you know. [Confused] Private Parker-Kensington, I thought we were headed to your family's home, why are we at a prison?

08.04.027

Austin : [Glances at the house. To Charlie] Did he base the design on any specific prison, or does he intend anonymity to lend itself to the gloominess of the place?

08.04.027

Sebastian: [To Charlie] He has done a marvelous job, yes. Now what was that about cake? And what happened to the orphans?


;;; Heading out for the day, see you all tomorrow.

08.04.028

Charlie: [Surveying the house] Well, it is a bit cleaner in design, true, but after the attack on my family, he wanted to be certain we would be safe. [To Sebastian] The cakes will be inside, but I don't know what happened to the orphans. We shall investigate after the Mat Vitzbah!

08.04.029

Austin : After you. [Gestures towards the prison]

08.04.030

[Two hired goons dressed in t-shirt tuxedos step out. These are SCOTT WESLEY and WESLEY SCOTT.]

Scott: [Holds a hand up to the carriage] Halt!

08.04.031

Charlie: [Approaches the goons] It's all right, boys. They are with me! [Claps her hands] Now, see to the carriage and bring in our things, as we should like to freshen up before the other guests arrive.

08.04.032

Austin : [To the goons] Well? What are you waiting for, get a move on! [Sighs]

08.04.033

Scott: We're searching everyone. [Addresses someone just out of sight] Okay, you can put your pants back on again.

[A woman, DARBY BISHOP, staggers into view, as she struggles to pull up her trousers. She spots the party.]

Darby: Oh! Hello!

08.04.034

Charlie: [To Darby, with a friendly smile] Hello! [Holds out her hand] Dr. Charlotte Parker-Kensington . . . and you are. . . ?

08.04.035

Dur: [To the goons with a raised eyebrow] Does searching everyone include the lady of the house?=

08.04.036

Darby: [Irritated] Darby Bishop! We met at the bake sale for the local school!

Scott: [To Dur] Of course it does! [Thinks for a moment] Wait, who's the lady of the house?

08.04.037

Dur: [Narrows his eyes] Are you two sure you are meant to guard this house?Perhaps we should be the one's searching you! =

08.04.038

Charlie: Quite right, Dur! [To Scott, imperiously] I am the lady of the house, so don't you dare lay a hand on me. [To Darby, all smiles] Of course, DORIS! You made the delightful little cupcakes shaped like rainbows!

08.04.039

Darby: [Clutches at her pearls] No, I made the miniature do-nuts in shape of love hearts.

Alice: [To the party] Oh god, is this about to get ugly?

08.04.040

Charlie: [To Darby, laughing awkwardly] Well, that's really more Pestilence's area, I'm afraid, as we divide our domestic responsibilities. In any case, it is lovely to see you again, Dorothy. I shall look forward to seeing little [pauses] er, [clearly guessing] Tiffany?

08.04.041

Darby: [Coldly] Damien. [Enters the house]

Sebastian: [Claps his hands] This is gonna be great!

[The goons step back to let the party enter. Just inside are PESTILENCE and WILHELMINA, as well as several mothers. There are some other children, but they are all in a treehouse looking out.]

Pestilence: Charlie! [Gives a big smile, and then looks at the party] Hi, er, guys!

08.04.042

Harvey: Never mind all that - where's the food, eh?


;;; Had to go home early so that might be it for me today :(

08.04.042

Austin : Hi Pestilence, good to see you and Wilhelmina on good form! [Smiling politely. To Darby] Pleased to make your acquaintance, Ms. Bishop. I am Austin Sleaze. I do hope Charlies studious eccentricities have not dissuaded you from enjoying the rest of this fabulous party?

08.04.043

Charlie: [Kisses Pestilence] Hello, darling! You've done a marvelous job. Everything looks splendid! [Gives Will a warm hug] And how is our guest of honor?!

08.04.044

Will: [Sulkily] There are too many babies here! [Points at the other children in the tree house, some of whom are clearly hiding]

Darby: [Narrows her eyes at Austin] It's Mrs. Bishop!

Pestilence: [Laughs] Oh, come on, Darb! He's an old friend of Charlie's! Come on, gang, I'll introduce you to the girls!

[PESTILENCE starts leading the party to where a number of housewife types are sitting.]

Alice: Wow, I haven't seen him dressed like this since that night he met your family, Charlie! [Nods at Pestilence who, instead of the usual all leathers, is wearing a pair of smart trousers, a nice cotton shirt and a sweet pastel blue sweater. Tied jauntily around his neck is a second sweater, this time pastel yellow.]


;;; http://queens-view.com/Scripts/07.07.html#07.05.079

08.04.045

Austin : [Plesantly but formally] Indeed, pleased to meet you Mrs Bishop. [Nods briefly and follows Pestilence]

08.04.045

Charlie: [Smiles affectionately at Pestilence] Yes, doesn't he look handsome? [Surveys the room, smiling] Hello, ladies. I am Dr. Charlotte Parker-Kensington, and [gestures to the party] these are my colleagues.

08.04.046

Clint: Oh god. [To Pestilence, brightly.] You're not serving beer here, by any chance? I think I might need it.

08.04.046

[CHARLIE gets something of a cool reception from the women, who all light up when PESTILENCE addresses them.]

Pestilence: Let me introduce you all! [Points each of them out in turn] You've already met Darby, and this is Ana [gives a friendly wave, [points to a lady with an eyepatch who gives them a nice smile] , Frances, there's Audrey [snootily lifts her glass of wine to them] and, of course, here's Esurion, [a super perky looking housewife type who gives the party a warm smile and friendly wave] Devourer of Souls, Slayer of the Innocent and Feeble, Certified Public Accountant.

Esurion: Please! Call me Essie!

Pestilence: And this is [sneaks a quick look at his hand, that has the party's names written on it, as he points them out] Alice, Austin, Clint, Dur, Harvey and [points out Sebastian] Mac!

<P><a href=http://www.queens-view.com/wiki/index.php/Frances_Kovarian>Frances Kovarian</A> <P><A href=http://www.queens-view.com/wiki/index.php/Audrey_Altman>Audrey Altman</A> <P><A href=http://www.queens-view.com/wiki/index.php/Esurion,_Devourer_of_Souls,_Slayer_of_the_Innocent_and_Feeble,_Certified_Public_Accountant>Esur= ion</A>

08.04.047

Audrey: [To Clint] My dear, Petsy only ever serves the best beer.

Pestilence: [Nods] I threatened to kill the local distiller unless he kept some for me.

[The ladies all laugh at this.]

Frances: Oh, Petsy!

08.04.048

Harvey: [To Esurion] Esurion, eh? Have we met before - the name seems familiar, what?

08.04.049

Clint: Perhaps she's done your taxes for you?

08.04.049

Austin : [To the ladies] Delighted to meet you all.


;;;; awa hame

08.04.049

Charlie: [Gives the ladies a somewhat strained smile] How nice to meet all of you. [To Pestilence, in a low voice] Petsy?! Isn't that rather overfamiliar?

08.04.050

Esurion: [To Harvey] Oh, I don't think so. Perhaps you led an angry mob who were trying to burn me at the stake? [Sips some tea]

Frances: [To Charlie] Oh, don't mind us, Charlie, he's just like one of the girls!

Alice: [Not buying it] Really?

Frances: Of course! I mean, sure, we all had to adjust at first. You know, he doesn't bring white wine to the book club any more and, well, I'm a lot more careful about which keyholes I look through.

[All the ladies cover one eye.]

Ladies: Eye eye!

Alice: [Jumps back, startled] What just happened?

08.04.051

Clint: Well, Frances was saying that Pestilence put out one of her eyes through a keyhole or something, and then everyone else said "eye eye!"

08.04.051

Charlie: [To Pestilence, trying to repress a heavy sigh] Darling, did you gouge out this poor woman's eye?

08.04.052

Pestilence: It wasn't so much gouging out as stabbing, really.

Frances: [Nods] That's true. And, might I say, you have a lovely home.

08.04.053

Dur: [Skepticly] Are you always on such good terms with your victims, Petsy?=

08.04.054

Clint: Oh, like you've never put out one of your friends' eyes before, Doc?

08.04.054

Pestilence: You must be joking! Normally they're dead! [Laughs, but notices Charlie's icy glare] Er, I mean, hey, who likes cake?

08.04.055

Alice: [Nods] Yeah! Like that guy who's broken toe you were trying to fix. That was just weird!

08.04.055

Charlie: [Relieved for a change of subject] Who doesn't like cake?! Where IS the cake, darling?

08.04.056

Austin : So, what is the programme for this celebration, appart from cake eating?

08.04.057

Charlie: Party games and general merriment, I suppose! [Points to the children in the treehouse] Look, they seem to be playing a game--hide and seek? [To the party] They aren't particularly skilled, though!

08.04.058

Austin : Perhaps you should introduce them to your elite concealment skills.

08.04.059

Alice: Yeah, I'd hardly even know that you have that hairy wart.

Wilhelmina: [Sulkily folding her arms] That's because they're a bunch of babies.

Pestilence: [To the party] Come on, gang, I'll show you where you can stay, and introduce you to your cakes.

08.04.060

Sebastian: We are getting introduced to our food before we eat it? How bizarre

08.04.061

Pestilence: Not really. Sometimes people like to taunt their food! [Starts heading to house, but stops and looks back with an evil smile] Well, come on, before it gets away!

08.04.062

Austin : [Shudders] I do hope that these are real cakes, in the conventional human sense.

08.04.063

Charlie: Oh, of course they are! [To Pestilence, clearly unsure] Right, darling?!

08.04.064

Pestilence: Not in the conventional sense, no!


;;; End of scene, next one coming up sooooon!

;;; Feel free to post while waiting

08.04.065

Austin : [Pales a little] Well, this all sounds very exciting, I can't wait to see these cakes.

08.05.001

[Book VIII, Act VIII, Scene V. The Cake Room. ALICE, AUSTIN, CHARLIE, CLINT, DUR, HARVEY, SEBASTIAN and PESTILENCE are here. The room is full of cakes, and PESTILENCE leads the party to one particular table, filled with delicious looking cakes with novelty shapes.]

Pestilence: [Surprisingly enthusiastically] So! I made a special cake for each of you! [Points each of them out in turn] A pie in the shape of Pi for Alice, a life sized model of Maplin [which looks perfect] , a stinky armpit [with what appear to be flies made of sugar around it] , a spleen [which is oozing what people hope is strawberry jam] , a scale model diorama of the Battle of Senility and [shows a big question mark] sorry, Mac, I wasn't sure what to do for you, as all I know is that you, uh, used to be, I guess, very small!

Alice: [Looks at her cake] That's the most delicious looking Pi I've ever seen!

08.05.002

Harvey: [Squinting at the Battle of Senility] By the Saints! There's my coffee maker, and before it met its untimely demise! [To Pestilence] Does it work?

08.05.002

Austin : [Suprised and relieved, looking at the Maplin cake] Incredible! [Studies the cake carfully] How on earth did you get such perfect detail? This must be the most beautiful cake ever made!

08.05.003

Charlie: [To Pestilence, starry-eyed and beaming proudly] Oh, darling, they're wonderful! Really, you've outdone yourself.

08.05.004

Harvey: [To Austin] What are you on about, eh? It looks like your arm. [Goes back to trying to get the coffee maker on his cake to work] Hmmm, this is a little fiddly, what?

08.05.005

Pestilence: Of course it works, we just might find it difficult to locate a power socket small enough. [To Austin, modestly] Well, I had a good model.

Alice: [Face covered in chocolate] This is the nicest cake I've ever eaten!

Pestilence: Great! [Looks serious] There's no chocolate in that!

08.05.006

Charlie: [Looks around at the cakes expectantly] Oh, but where is MY cake?

08.05.007

Pestilence: [Holds up an incredibly intricate heart shaped cake] Here we go! [Hands her a magnifying glass] Take a read!

08.05.008

Sebastian: Don't worry about it Petsy, they are all very impressive. But why do you keep calling me Mac?

08.05.009

Charlie: [Takes the magnifying glass and reads a few lines, delighted] =93I will love you until the end of time. I am yours beyond life and will never belong to another. . . .=94 Oh, our wedding vows! Darling, how DID you manage it?!

08.05.010

Pestilence: [Proudly] Very carefully! [To Sebastian] Because that's your name. Don't tell me that you've gone and changed it, not after I went to the trouble of learning it!

08.05.011

Charlie: [To Pestilence] Mac left the party ages ago, darling. This [gestures to Sebastian] is Sebastian. [Helpfully] He's on your list of people you are not to harm. You know, the one in the black notebook with a skull on it? On the bedside table?

08.05.012

Harvey: Never mind that! We must find a compatible power socket for this coffee maker immediately. [Frowns thoughtfully] Hmm, it's too small to make a large cup of coffee, but perhaps an espresso, what? [Pulls a ridiculously small coffee cup from a pocket and attempts to place it under the nozzle of the coffee maker]

08.05.013

Pestilence: To NOT kill? Huh. Yeah, sure, I know that one!

[The door opens, and CORDELIA PARKER-KENSINGTON enters. She met all but SEBASTIAN at NANNA WILLA'S birthday party back in Book VII, Act VII, and the party know that her parents were killed in Book VIII, Act I when the manor was burned down. When first they met her, she looked young and innocent, but flirted outrageously with AUSTIN and MAC at the birthday party, much to her father's embarrassment. Now she looks like a tough rock chick, complete with pierced nose.]

Cordelia: [To Charlie] 'sup. [Gives Austin a big smile] Hi, Austin!

[HARVEY spills coffee all over himself, burning his finger.]

08.05.014

Austin : [With a big grin to Cordelia] Hey Cordelia, good to see you looking so well! Love the new look.

08.05.014

Charlie: [To Cordelia, with a big smile] Cordelia, it's so lovely to see you! How are your studies coming along?

08.05.015

Cordelia: [Rolls her eyes at Charlie] Yes! I'm studying all the time! Jeez! [Dramatic sigh] God! [Turns to Austin with a super smile] Oh, this old thing? Hey, I like your suit! [Touches his arm] Wow! Have you been working out? Mm-mm!

Alice: [Gorging herself on Pi Pie, before whispering to Austin] Don't forget, her only living male relative is Pestilence, and she's probably under age!

08.05.016

Charlie: [Puts an arm around Cordelia] Yes, Pestilence and I are acting as Cordelia's guardians now. We're terribly proud of her, especially when she studies very diligently! [Beaming] She hopes to be a Watcher some day.

08.05.017

Sebastian: So is she Petsy's little sister? [Starts to eat Question Mark Pie] Mmm this is good.

08.05.017

Harvey: [Wiping coffee from his clothing] Why that's excellent. [Eyes the nose-ring] Hmm, she even has miniature torture instruments!

08.05.018

Cordelia: [Squirms away from Charlie] No you're not! I'm nearly 17, I don't even need guardians! And if I did, they'd be Mimaw and Gigaw! [Looks Sebastian up and down] Wow! Mac! You've really been beefing up!

08.05.019

Clint: [Snorts.] Mouthing off to authority and with no idea who the party is... She's a watcher in training alright!

08.05.020

Charlie: [Happily oblivious] Yes, I think she shall be a very fine Watcher, indeed! [To Pestilence] Now, are you planning to begin with party games? Or presents?

08.05.021

Dur: [Taking handfuls and is intermittenly shoving pieces into his mouth and into his pants to save for later] It tastes like real spleen! How did you= manage that?!

08.05.022

Pestilence: The secret ingredient is... spleen! [To Charlie] First we better let people get dressed -- you know what your mother is like! [To Cordelia] Hey Cordy, how about showing these guys and ... [points at Sebastian] Sevasta...pol? Is it? Anyway, show them where the clothes are. [To Charlie] You can come with me and sign the card. Wait until you see the present I got for her!

08.05.022

Clint: [Suddenly concerned.] Uh... mine doesn't taste like real stinky armpit, does it?

08.05.023

Charlie: [Following Pestilence] Wonderful! I just KNOW you managed to find something perfect for our precious little darling.

Cordelia: [Sullenly] Yeah, right! [Points at a chest nearby] There's cardigan twinsets for everyone in there. If you don't wear one, my grandmother will probably sniff at you disapprovingly all day.

08.05.024

[Exit CHARLIE and PESTILENCE.]

Alice: What the hell is a cardigan twinset? [Opens the chest and gives a sharp intake of breath] Yikes! [Looks down at her own, entirely inappropriately short skirt] Ah, I think we'll be fine for a kid's party!

08.05.025

Sebastian: [Looks inside] Do we just put any on, or have we had ones picked out for us? [Shakes his head] And it's Sebastian not Sevasta-pol. Or even Mac. What kind of guy was he?

08.05.026

Cordelia: [Digs through the chest and pulls out a tiny yellow cardigan twinset and hands it to Sebastian with a smirk] Here, he got this one for you because he thought you were Mac! Mac was OK, but not as sexy as Austin or anything.

08.05.027

Alice: He was really small and made lots of unkind comments about cool tattoos that people had.

08.05.027

Austin : Few people are as fortunate as us Cordelia.


;;;;awa t' meetins

08.05.028

Cordelia: [Smiles at Austin dreamily] Wouldn't we have beautiful babies?


;;; Your hardworking GM is stuck in meetings all

;;; day, so he's asked me to pause the game for

;;; him. Back to normal game play tomorrow!

08.05.029

Austin : [To Cordelia, smiling sweetly] Absolutely, but could I get a kiss first?


;;; busy in meetings most of the day, catch youz tomorrow

08.05.030

Sebastian: [Takes the offered garments] Well I would never make unkind comments about someones tattoo's. To their face anyway. Wouldn't want to upset them knowing they are stuck with them all their life.


;;; Might be gone until mid afternoon

08.05.031

Alice: Some people are proud of them, Mac! [To Austin] Yeesh, Aus! Remember? Pestilence is her only male relative and she's underage? And Cordelia? Ew! Old guy alert! He's old enough to be your... much older brother, and would you really want to kiss your brother? Take it from me, it's creepy! [Thinks] Mostly. I mean, hey! I'm not on trial here!

08.05.032

Cordelia: [Indignant] Uncle P isn't the boss of me! [Throws her arms around Austin and frantically tries to kiss him] Hurry! Before Uncle P gets back!

08.05.033

[Enter HELENA, mother of CHARLIE and grandmother of CORDELIA.]

Helena: I must talk to you about -- Cordelia! What on earth are you doing? [To Austin] Leave her alone!

08.05.034

Austin : [Lingers in a passionate kiss with Cordelia, then breaks away, holding Cordelia's gaze. To Helena] Certainly.

08.05.035

Helena: You repulsive little man! [To the party in general] I wanted to have a word with you about Charlie, but now I wonder if Pestilence is actually a better influence on her than you!

Alice: [Still with chocolate all over her face] That's okay, Mrs. er, Charleston, we're the good guys.

Helena: I hope so.

08.05.036

Austin : [To Helena, looking her over] Nice twinset. Perhaps you should get out a little more. Give that twinset a little air. [Casually checks his nails] If we are lucky it won't come back.

08.05.037

Harvey: Besides, where else am I supposed to get a replacement coffee maker? [Thinks for a moment, then looks at the miniature machine] Even if it is a little more, um, *compact* than it used to be, what?

08.05.038

Cordelia: [Swooning] Oh, Aussie! [To Helena, defiantly] You can't keep us apart! This is TRUE love. [Tries to hold Austin's hand]

08.05.039

Austin : [Holds Cordelia's hand] Thankfully.

08.05.040

Helena: [Repulsed] Cordelia! He is nearly twice your age! Behave yourself this instant.


;;; Not quite true -- she's 17, he's 31!

08.05.041

Cordelia: [Releases Austin's hand sulkily] At least I'm not a creepy little monster like Will!

08.05.042

Helena: [Who looks very tired and pale] Cordelia, she's not a... monster! [To the party] I wanted to talk to you about Charlie and Pestilence, I think the situation is very dangerous, for everyone!

08.05.042

Harvey: Nonesense, my dear! Will is growing up quite rapidly, by all accounts. If she keeps on at this rate, soon she'll be a creepy *big* monster like her father, what?!?

08.05.043

Austin : [Smugly] Just to set the records straight, I am merely a little over ten years older the Cordelia, and Cordelia is not a child, at least in the eyes of the law. Whereas, Pestilence is several thousands of years older than Charlie.

08.05.044

Alice: Aus, you're fourteen years older than her!

Helena: I'm trying to talk to you about Pestilence and Charlie, and the danger that everyone is in. [To Austin] If you are more concerned about trying to maul my grand daughter, then please leave. [To Cordelia] If you wish to be part of this conversation, then keep away from him. If you wish to form some sort of relationship with a man that much older than you, then do so somewhere else.

08.05.045

Cordelia: [Sighs a long, exaggerated sigh] Fine. Why are we in danger? Uncle P has it all under control. We live in a fort! Even when I'm at school, I've got a bunch of goons following me around. Nobody will ever be able to attack us like--before [gets a little choked up and trails off] .

08.05.046

Helena: [Puts her arm around Cordelia] I know, Cordy, but my concern is that we HAVE to live in a fort, and that we would never have been attacked if it wasn't for Pestilence. [To the party] He has ruined our lives, and brings nothing but death and destruction wherever he goes. Yes, he makes very nice creamy cakes, but he leaves a trail of destruction behind him that Charlie is blind to.

08.05.047

Austin : [Whispering to Alice] Fourteen is a little more than ten!

08.05.048

Alice: But 31 is a lot more than 17!


;;; Sorry Tom, but I can't resist borrowing Clint to

;;; discredit Alice!

Clint: How old is Deuce, Alice?

Alice: [Defensively] He's not 50!


;;; He almost is, and Alice is 24.

08.05.049

Harvey: Now, see here, the relationship between my niece and Deuce is perfectly natural and there's absolutely nothing wrong... [Falters] I say, did we have a mission to complete, eh?

08.05.049

Sebastian: Enough about the age thing guys, Austin is 3 years too young to be double Cordelia's age. [To Helena] What is it you would like us to do?

08.05.050

Helena: Thank you, Sebastian. I need you to keep an eye on Charlie and make sure her conscience isn't blind -- I presume you heard about this insurance policy that Pestilence had taken out on her? It's already been used twice, and I shudder to think about what he had to do to bring her back. Did you know that he now has several wounds that won't heal? If the payment was so high that it would do that to a demon, what on earth was he doing?

08.05.051

Cordelia: [Swoons] Aw, Nanna! Don't you think it's romantic?! I wish someone would do that for me [sighs wistfully at Austin] . And, anyway, Charlie made him promise he wouldn't kill anyone. And he's totally whipped, you have to admit.

08.05.052

Helena: No, I don't think it's romantic. If she could forgive him for killing her father, she could forgive him for anything. [To the party] You need to be vigilant, because someone could exploit the situation -- he's so keen to stay in her good books, he's likely to do any sort of weird favour for someone she's friends with.

08.05.053

Cordelia: [Quickly] Not me, I'd never do that! [Hurriedly changing the subject] Anyway, the only problem Charlie and Uncle P have is Will. [In a low voice, to the party] Did Charlie tell you Will strangled one of her cats?! What a freaky kid!

08.05.054

Sebastian: [To Helena] So you want us to try and convince him to cancel the policy?

08.05.055

Cordelia: [Nervously] You can't be serious, Nanna! If Charlie died, what would stop him from going all evil again?! He HAS to keep that insurance policy.

08.05.056

Sebastian: Or Charlie and the rest of us could be more careful to make sure she doesn't die again? I'd rather not die than die and be brought back

08.05.056

Austin : [Ponders] That is a good point.

08.05.057

Helena: It is a good point, but why do we want to have someone in our lives who's likely to become psychotically evil. [To Drew] That makes much more sense -- he says that he has cancelled the policy, as each time the payment got worse, I mean, I don't believe that it was a crocodile that bit his arm off, but I'm not sure I believe that he has. What happens if the payment is to kill someone? [Looks around at the others] Maybe one of you?

08.05.058

Austin : [Shrugs] Well then it will be just like old times again. I have forgotten just how many times Pestilence has tried to kill us, but it was certainly alot.

08.05.059

Dur: [Shudders] But I certainly don't miss those days!

08.05.060

Sebastian: I'm glad I didn't know you guys then


;;; Hey Conor since when did NPC's start talking to us players instead

of our characters? Or is Helena all magical like that when it's me?

:P

08.05.061

Cordelia: [Growing concerned] He wouldn't try to kill ME, would he Nanna? I'm like a daughter to him now, right? WAY better than Will, too!

08.05.062

Harvey: He might if you seem a threat to Will.

08.05.062

Dur: Better how? Better in that your soft, pliable flesh would probably ripto pieces much easier than Wil's? She is at least semi-demon of course. I = don't think there is a person in this dimension Pestilence wouldn't kill, short of Charlie and Wil of course. =

08.05.063

Helena: [Sighs in relief at Dur's and Harvey's words] Exactly! Thank you!

Alice: [Nods] You know, I don't particularly relish being killed by Pestilence either. He did burn us all alive before, and however nonchalant you claim to be about it Aus, you know you don't want that either.

08.05.064

Dur: Precisely! Could you imagine what Maplin would look like at your funeral after such severe burns?=

08.05.065

Sebastian: If he burned you all alive how are you still alive? And unburned? [To Dur] Or are you just that good of a Doctor?

08.05.066

Alice: [Startling everyone] Hah! [Calms down] I mean, no, it wasn't Dur who brought us back to life, he wasn't there.

[There's a noise outside, of someone coming towards the room.]

Gertrude: That's probably them, I'd better go. [Exit Gertrude]

08.05.065

Austin : Unfortunately we cannot both be friends and enemies with Pestilence at the same time, and we have always done our best to keep Charlie alive, so nothing has changed.

08.05.066

[Enter GERTRUDE, CHARLIE's grandmother.]

Gertrude: Ah! There you all are. Not putting on twinsets, I hope?

08.05.067

Austin : [Laughs] No, even we hierophantic knights must draw the line somewhere.

08.05.068

Sebastian: No, just looking at and holding them so far, wondering where the nearest furnace is.

08.05.069

Gertrude: I don't know, Austin, it might set a new trend. I wouldn't burn them if I were you, Pestilence knitted them himself. [Gives Cordy a wink] Cordy.

08.05.070

Cordelia: [Gives Gertrude a big smile] Hi, Nanna! [Helpfully points at Sebastian] That's Sebastian, not Mac! [Lowers her voice] We were just talking about how scary Uncle P used to be, and how Will strangled Charlie's cat.

08.05.071

Gertrude: [Reproachfully but gently] Now, Cordelia, we don't know that Will was responsible, and it was never properly established how those cats died.

08.05.072

Clint: Were they found half-eaten? Because if not, we can rule out Dur!

08.05.073

Cordelia: [To Clint] Ew! [Gives Dur a disgusted look. To Gertrude] What do you mean, CATS? Did she strangle another one this week?! Charlie must have been crushed!

08.05.074

Gertrude: Three in the last while.

Alice: Why did Charlie have so many cats in the manor? She doesn't even live here!

Gertrude: Only one was strangled, the other two appear to have been attacked by another animal.

Alice: How many cats does Charlie have?

Gertrude: That's hardly important right now. Besides, I don't have time to count them all.

08.05.074

Dur: I don't kill cats just to eat them! I eat already dead cats! [To Gertrude] Speaking of which... Where are the dead cats now?

08.05.075

Gertrude: [Looks faintly disgusted for a moment, but regains her composure] I think Pestilence used them as ingredients in your cake.

08.05.076

Clint: How thoughtful! And you people want us to not trust him?!

08.05.076

Dur: [Delightedly] Oh! [Grumpily] Well I still think he is up to something sinister!=

08.05.077

Gertrude: [To Dur] So does Helena. She is convinced that it is only a matter of time before the manor is destroyed again.

08.05.078

Cordelia: [To Dur and Gertrude, skeptically] Like what, though? Doesn't he seem happy to you? Why would he do anything to mess it up?

08.05.079

Gertrude: Because Evil Cannot Resist.


;;; End of scene, next one coming right up

08.06.001

[Book VIII, Act VI, Scene VI. The Carriage. ALICE, AUSTIN, CHARLIE, CLINT, DUR, HARVEY and SEBASTIAN are here, driving towards the manor. This is back to the party's *current* time, i.e. just after they've reclaimed their clothes. Memories are now starting to come back, and the party all remember everything that happened in the last scene. The memories have come back slowly and naturally, not in one huge lump.]

Alice: You know, I do remember getting to Will's hat party.

08.06.002

Dur: I seem to recall that now too! Hey, I wonder... [Checks his pants to see if he has any kidney cake left] =

08.06.002

Charlie: Yes, and what a relief! I should have hated missing it. Will would have been so disappointed. And after all of the work Pestilence put into it!

08.06.002

Clint: Yeah, Pestilence made us novelty cakes, and the lawyer tried to roger a girl waaaaay off the half plus seven rule?

08.06.003

Sebastian: I seem to remember Petsy calling me Mac all the time [Laughs a little] Petsy! [Laughs a lot harder, so hard he starts to turn purple]

08.06.004

Alice: Quick! He's choking! Someone punch him in the stomach!

[Sadly, there is no cake left.]

08.06.004

Charlie: [To Sebastian, disapprovingly] Don't call him that. Only those horrible women call him that. The cheek of them, giving MY husband a pet name?!

08.06.005

Alice: What is wrong with you people? [Punches Sebastian in the stomach, but not hard enough to hurt him, before turning to Charlie] Actually, I thought it was kind of nice that he was one of the girls!

08.06.006

Harvey: Punch him? Isn't he having a bad enough day already if he's choking?

Alice: Yes, but then he'll stop making that awful noise!

08.06.006

Dur: [Worriedly] I'm still a little concerned about the abrupt memory loss.Perhaps we should proceed hurriedly but with great caution.=20

08.06.007

Alice: Oh, come on, Dur! It was a kid's party! How bad could it be?

[The party round a corner to see that the manor has been burned to the ground -- again!]


;;; Gone for the weekend!!

08.06.008

Charlie: [Horrified] NO! [Races toward the manor]


;;; What a mean cliffhanger! See all of you on Monday! : )

08.06.009

Austin : Wow, that must have been some party!

08.06.010

Sebastian: Oh my...by all that is sacred! I hope I didn't do that! [Looks down at his hands]


;;; See you Monday guys!

08.06.011

Alice: Holy crap! [To Charlie] Are you okay?

08.06.012

Charlie: [Frantically] Help me look for them! My family has been attacked again!

08.06.013

Alice: Easy, Charlie! You can't go in there, some of the fires are still burning!

08.06.014

Harvey: Indeed! Anyone inside must be burnt to a crisp, what?

08.06.015

Alice: [Appalled] What he means is, uh, um, there there!

08.06.015

Austin : Hopefully Pestilence will have built some form of a bunker or fire shelter within the house, and they are safe in there.

08.06.016

Charlie: [Worriedly, to Austin] Yes, perhaps. That IS the sort of thing he would think to do. But who attacked us?! [Starts searching the grounds]


;;; Do we have weapons?

08.06.017

Alice: Yeah! That would be cool! A room where people could go in case of panic. It would be like in that movie, what was it called? Worry Room? [To Charlie] Let's all search together, Charlie!


;;; Yes!

[The entire structure has been burnt down, and it looks as though it'll be tricky even to get in the gates.]

Alice: How about we scout around the outside first?

08.06.018

Charlie: [Sword out] Yes, and let's hurry! They could still be nearby.

08.06.019

[The party all draw their weapons and start to skirt around the outside. Soon they can hear someone further up, who's behind some trees. They creep forward, but it's not possible to see who it is, although it's clearly just one person, and they appear to be digging.]

08.06.020

Austin : [Whispering] Someone is probably burying the evidence!

08.06.021

Charlie: [Whispering, horrified] Oh, GOD! He isn't burying a person, is he?! [Urgently] Hang back and stay hidden! I'll go on alone. [Approaches the digging person cautiously]

08.06.022

Alice: [To the others] Why is she going alone? That's just annoying. I mean, are we going to have to rescue her again? Come on, let's stay with her.

[The entire party edge forward and see that the figure appears to be a demon, who is digging something up. This is MORKOFF.]

Alice: Oh my God! Is he even wearing pants?

08.06.023

Harvey: Perhaps he buried them and is now retrieving them?

08.06.024

Charlie: [Gasps at Harvey's words. Suddenly charges Morkoff, shouting] What did you do to them?!

08.06.025

Morkoff: What? The pants? I don't need no stinkin' pants, I'm a demon!

08.06.026

Charlie: [Points her sword at Morkoff] Forget about the pants! Who is in that hole? [Nods at the hole Morkoff is digging]

08.06.027

Morkoff: I think it might be Tim Victor, but don't worry, I'll make enough space for you too.

Alice: Hah! There's way more than two of us!

Morkoff: I meant too in the sense of as well, rather than the quantity.

Alice: Oh. Hm, that's probably a lot of digging.

08.06.028

Sebastian: [To Markoff] What happened here? Where is Pestilence and Will? And everyone else?

08.06.029

Markoff: I don't know, who's Pestilence?

08.06.030

Charlie: [Angrily] My husband. Again, what happened here?! Did you burn this house? Did you attack the people here?!

08.06.031

Markoff: [Offended] No I didn't! What do you think I am?

Alice: An evil demon bent on the destruction of all that is good and also, of pants?

Markoff: [Considers this for a moment] Well, yes, but I didn't kill anyone! I'm here on a murder investigation!

08.06.032

Harvey: Aha! Here to investigate how to murder people, eh? I knew it, by the saints.

08.06.033

Markoff: Don't be ridiculous! I already know how to murder people! Hah! Er, that is...

08.06.034

Charlie: [Warily] What murder? This Tim Victor's? Who is that?

08.06.035

Dur: Where is the man? How did he die? Was it in connection with the burning down of the house?


;;; Can we see the body?

08.06.036

Morkoff: Yes, Tim Victor's murder! He died from having his throat cut, but he was so badly beaten and tortured before it, he's barely recognizable. Whoever did this is a psychotic monster. Kinda makes me want to meet him, really, but, you know, you should never meet your torture heroes.

Alice: Why? Do they always let you down?

Morkoff: No, they try to kill you.

[The party can see that there is a single body in a relatively shallow grave. It has been beaten almost beyond recognition, and has had all the fingers cut off.]

Alice: Ew! Uh... does anyone else recognize him?


;;; He does look a little familiar.....

08.06.037

Dur: Maybe! [Dur picks up a stick for body poking and tries to cast Speak with Dead] Does he still have his kidneys?

08.06.038

Sebastian: [Looks at the body] Erm...let me see


;;; I saw totaly misread Kevins previous post and thought it was Dur

asking to see the body and was thinking

;;; "oh god here we go, Dur trying to eat the murder victim!"

08.06.039

Morkoff: [Who sounds like he's chewing gum] Er, I don't know!

[DUR casts the spell, but nothing seems to happen. Meanwhile, SEBASTIAN knocks away some dirt to reveal the body. It is the person that PESTILENCE was torturing at the end of Book VIII, Act VI, Scene III.]

<A href=http://www.queens-view.com/Scripts/08.06.html#06.03.034>Pestilence and Tim</A> <a href=http://www.queens-view.com/wiki/index.php/Tim_Victor>Tim Victor</A>

Morkoff: Do you know him? I'd really like to find out who did this!

08.06.040

Charlie: [Startled] No! We did not know him, and do not know who killed him! He isn't a demon, is he? How did you know him?

08.06.041

Harvey: And we definitely did not see her husband [Indicating Charlie] torturing this individual at any time, what?

08.06.041

Dur: What would happen if we DID know who did it? And why is a Demon investigating a murder? You would think that your kind would be celebrating such = a tragedy!

08.06.040

Clint: Sorry, I have no idea. Too busy trying to find missing husbands, daughters, and parents, that sort of thing.

08.06.042

Alice: [Nods] And we certainly didn't see a child's drawing depicting him not torturing the individual, which he didn't, so it doesn't exist, so how the hell could we have seen it?

Morkoff: [Gives Alice a sceptical look, before turning to Dur] Normally, but that's because we're normally the ones responsible. This guy is a business colleague of mine, and, frankly, I'm disgusted and outraged with the lack of respect shown to his corpse. Now, [draws his sword] give me a minute while I cut off his testicles.


;;; Out for an hour!!

08.06.043

Charlie: [Smiles gratefully at the party] Quite right! We know nothing of this matter. [To Morkoff] Before you defile this corpse, could you tell us if you saw anyone attack this house or set fire to it? We should be most grateful.

08.06.044

Austin : I do hope we do not have to do too much of this.

08.06.045

Clint: I have to agree with the lawyer. How many times do we have to dig through the remains of your family home to see if we can find the remains of your family? [Quickly.] Not that they're in there, of course!

08.06.046

Morkoff: Oh, that's okay, you'll never have to do it again. [Gives the party] Because I'm going to kill you all.

08.06.047

Sebastian: What? Why? We didnt kill him, or cut of his fingers, or beat him up, or anything. And we certainly weren't there when he was killed for whatever reason, like say being tortured for information on a spy in some group. Nope, never happened so no need to kill us!

08.06.048

Clint: Show a little backbone, kid! [To Morkoff.] He's right, though. [Drops a hand to his sword.]

08.06.049

Harvey: [Whispering to Clint, but loud enough for everyone to hear] Isn't it a little dangerous to talk about showing internal body parts around this individual. [Thinks] Or, for that matter, Dur?

08.06.050

Charlie: Come on, group! [Attacks Morkoff]

08.06.051

Morkoff: I'm a demon, it's what I do, especially in a world like yours, that's so ripe for the picking!

[CHARLIE swings at MORKOFF and narrowly misses.]

Morkoff: Hey! Don't I even get a chance to explain my master plan for destroying the world before I kill you?

08.06.052

Clint: [Goes to help Charlie.] Okay, but make it snappy! We're on a schedule here!

08.06.053

Harvey: [Astonished, looks at his watch] By Jove, you're right, Private! It's almost lunchtime! [to Morkoff, urgently] Quickly, out with it, by the saints!

08.06.054

Morkoff: Okay. [Slashes Clint with his sword] Hah! You people are idiots!


;;; Lose 20hp Clint!

08.06.055

Charlie: [Outraged] Oh, you have chosen the WRONG day to taunt me! [Attack Morkoff again]

08.06.057

Dur: [Looking angry] Hey! Who're you calling 'people' bub?! [Dur tries to cast Spiritual Weapon: http://www.dnd-wiki.org/wiki/SRD:Spiritual_Weapon to = atack Morkoff]

08.06.058

Austin : [Stands well back and shoots Morkoff] A tactical withdrawal may be prudent!

08.06.059

Morkoff: [Laughs as a warhammer appears beside him] Hah! What's that supposed to be?

[Bam. The hammer hits him in the face, just as AUSTIN fires a bullet, which bounces off him.]

Morkoff: Ow! Hey! That really hurt!

Alice: [To Austin] Yikes! I think you might be right!

08.06.060

Charlie: Right! [To the party] Run! [Runs back toward the manor]

08.06.061

Alice: We're all gonna die! [Runs with the others]

[The manor looks quite unstable, but it might be possible to sneak in through the gate, at least for the smaller members of the party.]

Morkoff: [Draws himself up to his full seven feet height] Get back here! [Charges after the party, gaining fast, but slowing down when he pulls out a cigarette]

08.06.062

Charlie: [To the others] Can anyone make it through the gate? Perhaps we could use fiery timber to beat back this creature?


;;; Who IS small? I'm not actually sure!

08.06.063

Alice: I'm slim enough to slip through the bars in the gate!

[ALICE squeezes through, only to get stuck.]

Alice: Oh no!


;;; All but Harvey and Clint, especially if the gate was

;;; actually opened!

08.06.064

Sebastian: [Runs for the gate, trying to force Alice through the gap] Come on guys, start pushing her ass!

08.06.065

Harvey: Oh, I'm not sure about that at all!

08.06.066

Alice: Damn these extra flouncy underpants! That's what's making me so wide!


;;; Lie, of course, she was wearing grey granny panties earlier!

08.06.067

Sebastian: Good point [Stops pushing and aims his hands at Morkoff, attempting to cast Burning Hands]

08.06.068

[Jets of flame shoot from SEBASTIAN's hands and engulf MORKOFF, who screams in pain.]

Morkoff: Hey! I'm going to kill you for that! Then I'm going to kill that big girl in the gate!


;;; Morkoff lose 18hp

Alice: [Engraged] OMP! Is he talking about me? He better not be talking about me? [Getting increasingly more shrill] Is he? Is he talking about me?

Morkoff: [Putting flames out] Yeah, I'm talking about you!

08.06.069

Sebastian: [Casts Flaming Hands again] You were already going to kill us bitch!

08.06.069

Charlie: Well done, Sebastian! Hurry, fire seems to be a weakness of his. [Tries to grab a chunk of burning wood.]

08.06.070

Harvey: [Lets out a bellow of rage] You'll learn not to talk about my niece in that manner, by the saints! [Charges at Morkoff, swinging with his sword]

08.06.071

Morkoff: [Defiantly to Sebastian] Yeah, well, I didn't mean it, but this time I really will kill you!

[MORKOFF is hit in quick succession by more flames, a slap in the groin from CHARLIE's flaming plank and a blow to the from HARVEY which, although it doesn't puncture the skin, seems to break a bone below his eye.]

Morkoff: Ow! What the hell?

08.06.072

Harvey: [Continues to attack Morkoff in a rage] You'll regret the day you crossed Colonel Harvey Kensington-Short the Third, Retired, you blaggard!

08.06.073

[HARVEY smashes the hilt of his sword into MORKOFF's face, showering the party in blood.]

Morkoff: Help! Help!

08.06.074

Sebastian: We are helping, to die! [Casts Grease at Morkoff's feet]

08.06.075

Dur: I call his kidneys! [Tries to cast Searing Light: http://www.dnd-wiki.org/wiki/SRD:Searing_Light on Morkoff] =

08.06.076

[MORKOFF screams in pain and passes out, as DUR touches him and HARVEY continues to beat his face into a bloody pulp. Eventually, HARVEY stops, panting and covered in blood. An eerie silence descends.]

Alice: Hey! What's happening?

08.06.077

Charlie: [Stunned, hurries to Harvey's side] Colonel, are you quite all right?!

08.06.077

Dur: [Looking around nervously] We probably screwed something up again!

08.06.078

Harvey: Nonsense, Doctor, we're doing marvellously, what? Undoubtedly due to my solid leadership, even if I do say so myself. [Looks at Morkoff] Ah, one of your patients, I see!

08.06.079

Charlie: [Insistently] But, Colonel! You brutalized this creature! That isn't like you.

08.06.080

Harvey: Ha! He brutalised himself, what? Against my sword!

08.06.08

Dur: Hmmmm. Perhaps you are overdue for a check-up Harv! [Dur tries to pulla flimsy cup from his doctor's bag and tries to place one end against Harv= ey's head while listening through the other end. Also, he tries to cast Detect Evil: http://www.dnd-wiki.org/wiki/SRD:Detect_Evil on Harvey]

08.06.082

[The whole area gives off a faint glowing, particularly MORKOFF and HARVEY, who's covered in bits of MORKOFF.]

Alice: Er, can someone give me a hand, please?

08.06.083

Dur: [Gives Alice a rousing round of applause] You haven't been feeling thesudden urge to laugh maniacly have you , Colonel?=

08.06.084

Charlie: [Distractedly joins in with Dur's clapping] Yes, yes, well done! [To Harvey] Colonel, plainly something is not quite right with you!


;;; Hahaha!

08.06.085


;;; You scumbags!!

Alice: That's right! And there's plainly something not right with me too, that damned gate is too small!

08.06.086

Harvey: Nonesense, our enemies are dead, what? [Picks a piece of Morkoff from his clothes and offers it to Charlie] Want some?

08.06.087

Charlie: [Wrinkles her nose, disgusted] Colonel, if I wanted my enemies beaten to an unrecognizable pulp, I would ask Pest-- [Gasps suddenly, remembering the situation] I haven't time to debate this with you now! I must search for my family.

08.06.086

Sebastian: Nonsense Alice, the gate is fine. You've just piled the beef on! [Chuckles and walks over to her, attempting to pull her free]

08.06.087

[SEBASTIAN pulls ALICE through.]

Alice: [Horrified] No I didn't! [Thinks] Although, Pestilence's cake was delicious... hm. Let's check out that body and see if there are any -- oh! [Breaks off as she sees Morkoff] What the hell? Harvey, did you do that?


;;; Gone for an hour!

08.06.088

Charlie: [To Alice, nodding] Exactly my point! Do have a word with him, but perhaps later. We really should make sure that Will and the rest of my family are safe!

08.06.088

Austin : [Looking suprised at the mess] Indeed he did. My bullets simply bounced off the demon [Frowns looking at Harvey's sword] Is that a magic sword? Morkoff did seem rather suprised that you were able to hurt him so much.

08.06.089

Harvey: He was just a demon, what? No need to thank me, eh?

08.06.090

Sebastian: [To Dur] Do you know any tracking spells doctor?

08.06.091

Harvey: [To Austin, confused] I don't believe so. Why, do you think it is such a sword?

08.06.092

Austin : [Shrugs] Well I just thought that perhaps he could only be hurt by magical weapons, we have seen that before with demons, is that not the case, Charlie?

08.06.093

Dur: [To Sebastian] Damnit Mac, I'm a Doctor not a Hunter!


;;; Yes, I know his name is Sebastian :p

08.06.094

Clint: Well, I don't care what the rest of them say, that was great, Harv! In a psychotic sort of way.

08.06.095

Harvey: And yet here he is, what? [Looks down at his coat] And here, and a bit more here...

08.06.095

Alice: He can't have been all that weak, both you and Austin weren't able to hurt him!

08.06.094

Charlie: [To Austin, assuming lecturing stance with glee] Well, it depends. Powerful demons, like Pestilence, generally can only be killed by magical weapons, though, theoretically, weaker demons could be killed by other, non-magical means. [Frowns] Though one weak enough to be killed by [raises an eyebrow at Harvey] pummeling should not have been able to travel to our dimension. Rather curious!

08.06.096

Austin : Just as I thought. [Looks around] Well, we should not waste anymore time, we still maybe able to rescue someone from the ruins.


;;;; out for the day!

08.06.097

Alice: [Wrinkling up her nose at the thought] Do we want to look at that grave first? It seems unlikely that this guy [points at Morkoff] wasn't involved, doesn't it?

08.06.098

Charlie: [Filled with dread] Yes, I suppose we should take a look at the grave. Come on, group. [Heads to the grave]

08.06.099

[There's a real stench from the grave, VICTOR has been dead for some time.]

Alice: Yikes! Now, that is the guy that Pestilence was torturing, right?

08.06.100

Charlie: [Covering her nose and mouth, trying not to gag] He appears to be the same man. Perhaps he was killed for giving up information to Pestilence?

08.06.101

Harvey: Or, perhaps *not* giving up information to Pestilence. Either way, he seems to be in a bit of a pickle, what?

08.06.102

Alice: If only he was pickled, then he mightn't smell too badly. [To Charlie] Are you sure Pestilence didn't kill him?

08.06.103

Charlie: [Firmly] Yes. Now, I wonder what his connection was to that demon? Perhaps we should search the demon's body for clues, as well.

08.06.104

Alice: [Promptingly] Really? Are you really sure?

08.06.105

Charlie: [To Alice] He promised. [To the rest of the party] You all heard him promise! He dedicates all of his time and energy to raising Will and protecting our family now.

08.06.106


;;; Dom is out today

Austin: [Casually lights a cigarette] Well then, that's good to hear. [Looks down at the body] Who's going to search this to see if there's some clue about why that demon was here?

08.06.107

Charlie: [To Dur, encouragingly] Come on, then! It's your moment to shine!


;;; Alas, that's my three! : )

08.06.108

Harvey: Hmm, I believe we want the body searched, not eaten, Private, what?

08.06.109

Charlie: [Sighs] Very well! I'll have a look. [Gingerly tries to search the body]

08.06.110

Dur: [Cheering Charlie on] If you find his spleen just put it in a to go box for me!=

08.06.111

[His throat has been cut, but there's nothing of any real interest there.]

Alice: Are there pants there?


;;; Only the ones he's wearing!

08.06.112

Sebastian: I'll check Morkoff [Moves over to the demon to start inspecting]


;;; Sorry for the late arrival today

08.06.112

Charlie: [Gives Dur a disgusted look. To Alice] Only the ones he's wearing. Why?

08.06.113

Clint: Do you really want to know, Sarge?

08.06.114

Alice: Oh please! Am I the only one who's disturbed by the fact that the demon wasn't wearing pants?


;;; End of scene, next one coming right up!

08.07.001

[Book VIII, Act VIII, Scene VII. The Manor. ALICE, AUSTIN, CHARLIE, CLINT, DUR, HARVEY and SEBASTIAN are here, heading downstairs to the party. It is about ten minutes after the end of the last scene, and everyone has had a chance to clean up and get changed into something appropriate for a children's party. ALICE is wearing a shockingly short leather dress with huge chunky buckles across the front, and more make up than a small brothel, while AUSTIN is wearing possibly the most beautiful suit anyone has ever seen.]


;;; Make sure you tell the rest of us what your character is wearing!

Austin: [Rubbing his sleeve against his cheek] Mmm! I do have the most wonderful taste!


;;; In the timeline, this takes place BEFORE the last scene, so please

be careful about not having

;;; your character know anything that happens later chronologically.

Also, everyone had a chance

;;; to wander about for a few minutes; if your character saw something

interesting you will

;;; ALREADY have heard from me. If they didn't, they just went to the

party's suite of rooms

;;; to get ready.

08.07.002

Charlie: [Wearing a blue turtleneck with matching blue cardigan and a gaudy gold necklace that appears to be a pile of entrails and two eyeballs, studded with diamonds. Showing the necklace to the party] Isn't it lovely? It was a gift from Pestilence!

08.07.003

Clint: [Wearing ratty jeans and a moth-eaten t-shirt which is now sort of grey and whose original color cannot be determined.] I never would have guessed.

08.07.003

Harvey: [Wearing a faded grey officer's uniform with several bent medals pinned to his chest] Yes, wonderful. Of course, as your commanding officer, I am fully resplendent in my uniform and parade-ready, what? [To Austin] By the saints, that is an ugly suit!

08.07.004

Dur: [Dur is wearing what started out as pristine white robes, typical of doctors, but the front of the robes are stained with jam from the Kidney Cak= e leftovers he has stashed in his underwear that he occasioanlly pulls little pieces off out and munches them happily.] It's a little disturbing Charl= ie. Are they real entrails?

08.07.005

Clint: [Firmly.] You are not eating Chuck's necklace, Doc.

08.07.005

ake leftovers he has stashed in his underwear that he occasioanlly pulls little pieces off out and munches them happily.] It's a little disturbing Cha= rlie. Are they real entrails?

Charlie: [Quickly jerks the necklace out of Dur's reach] No!

08.07.006

Austin: [To Harvey] Yes, Colonel, your suit is rather distasteful, but it's what we have come to expect from you.

08.07.007

Harvey: [Indignant] Suit, you say? Suit?!? I'll have you know this is a *uniform*, something all military men wear to identify them as important personnel who are not to be trifled with! Though, I suppose an individual such as yourself wouldn't know about such things, what?


;;; Oooh you've set him off now :)

08.07.008

Charlie: [To Harvey, in a low voice] Colonel, please! You wouldn't want to spoil Will's Mat Vitzbah, would you?!

08.07.009

Sebastian: [Wearing tatty blue jeans, a black t-shirt with white chalk marks on it and a white lab coat. To Charlie] I thought bloodhshed is what demonic rights of passage were all about?

08.07.010

Charlie: [To Sebastian, uncertainly] Well, not THIS one, I can assure you!

08.07.011

Sebastian: [Scoffs playfully] Yeah right!

08.07.011

Harvey: [Still rattling about his uniform, oblivious to the fact that no one's listening] ...While this is clearly the uniform of an officer, a man in command of a troop - that's you lot, of course - and as such displays the finery, attention to detail and level of competence associated with such a position, what?

08.07.012

Content-Type: text/plain; charset=us-ascii

Last from John 11

Austin: How long until the bloodshed? --Apple-Mail-443B4F33-5329-421F-AEEA-3424A8A5FE6F Content-Transfer-Encoding: 7bit

08.07.013

Clint: That depends on how familiar Pesty's old friends get with him, I imagine.

08.07.014

Alice: Well, I think it's adorable that he's got so domesticated!

08.07.015

Charlie: [Beaming] Isn't it wonderful?! [Sighs happily] Oh, I do believe I am the luckiest woman in the world!

08.07.015

Austin : Adorable? Honestly, Alice, a demon wearing pastels! Surely you mean creepy?

08.07.016

Alice: Can't he be both?

08.07.017

Charlie: Well, I DO think the leather suits him better, but I admire his efforts to blend in with the locals. [Wisely] When one has a child, all sorts of sacrifices must be made!

08.07.018

Sebastian: Alice is right, Petsy is adorabley creepy

08.07.019

Last from Drew

[Enter PESTILENCE carrying a severed goats head and some bright wrapping paper of various colours.]

Pestilence: Come on, it's almost time for the party games!

08.07.020

Harvey: [To Charlie] And, presumably, those sacrifices you mentioned, what?

08.07.020

Sebastian: I don't know what's more disturbing. The fact that a goats head is part of the party games, or that it doesn't surprise me.

08.07.021

Charlie: [Gasps. To Pestilence, in a low voice] Darling, what on earth are you doing with THOSE?!


;;; Heh heh! Funny, Drew!

08.07.022

Pestilence: They're my sweaters! It's how I blend in the 'burbs!

08.07.023

Charlie: [Urgently, trying to put her body between Pestilence and the rest of the party guests] No, the goats' heads! What are those doing at a child's party?!

08.07.024

Pestilence: What else would we wrap up for pass the parcel?

08.07.025

Sebastian: Now I really am disturbed. I knew that is what the goats head was for. Dur, I think I need my brain examined, stat.

08.07.025

Charlie: [Helpfully] Why not a laminated copy of the periodic table of elements, or perhaps a dictionary?

08.07.026

Alice: [To Dur] I'll get the probulator. [To Charlie] A dictionary? Do you want to scare these kids?

08.07.027

Austin : [In agreement with Alice] Perhaps she does not like children?

08.07.028

Charlie: [To Pestilence, ignoring Alice and Austin] You must hide these, quickly! It will frighten the children, not to mention their mothers!

08.07.028

Sebastian: Just mentioning the Periodic Table has already scared me. I'm a physicist not a chemist damnit! I'd rather play pass the goats head!

08.07.026

Dur: [Whispering to Alice] Better get the probulator ready nurse! EVERYONE knows the brain is in the bum!=

08.07.027

Harvey: Excellent suggestion, Doctor! Turn the probulator on the little blighters and see how they like that, eh?!?

08.07.029

Pestilence: [To Charlie] See? Even Mac likes it! [Sigh] Okay, okay, I'll put them away. Come on, let's go down and play pin the sword on the victim.

[The party head outside where the rest of the guests are. They are soon joined by GERTRUDE.]

Gertrude: [Looking over the party's outfits with a smile] Hi everyone!

08.07.030

Harvey: [Smiles at Gertrude] Aha! That's what we need - a good woman to liven this party up, eh? [Attempts to pinch Gertude's bottom]

08.07.031

Gertrude: [Jumps in surprise, but takes it good naturedly] Colonel! You are certainly feeling spirited today!

08.07.031

Charlie: [To Pestilence, relieved] Thank you, darling! [Suddenly realizing what he said] Wait, not a REAL victim, right?!


;;; Ack, Harvey is fondling Charlie's grandma!! : O

08.07.032

Harvey: [To Gertrude] Well, because you're here, what?


;;; The dirty old goat! (I mean Harvey, obviously!)

08.07.033

Gertrude: Why, Colonel Kingston-Short, I do believe you're flirting with me!

Pestilence: [To Charlie] Uh, no!


;;; Stuck in a meeting for the next 2.5 hours!

08.07.034

Charlie: [Gives Pestilence a big smile, clearly relieved] I never doubted you, beloved! [To Harvey, whacking him on the arm] Colonel, you WILL show Grandmother respect!

08.07.035

Harvey: [Winks at Gertrude, chuckling conspiratorially] I do believe I am, what? [To Charlie] I'll show her a lot more than that, by the saints!


;;; Out between 4 and 5.

08.07.036

Clint: Harv! What would your sainted wife, left alone with a large supply of young men interested in her outreach work, think?!

08.07.037

Harvey: Hmmm? What would she think about what?

08.07.038

Clint: Just in general, Harv. No pinching Charlie's grandmother!


;;; There. I've tried. Pinch away!

08.07.039

Charlie: [Raises an eyebrow at Harvey] Colonel, if you are not deeply alarmed by the fact that MR. SCAR is now providing you with moral correction, then you certainly should be! [To Clint, brightly] No offense! I know you cannot help the way you were raised.

08.07.040

Austin : [Delighting in the feel of the cuff of his jacket as he admires his suit] So, is everyone ready for the ceremony?

08.07.041

Clint: Sure. What, we pass around a chalice full of goat's blood and then play pin the sword on the victim?

08.07.042

Gertrude: Don't be ridiculous, Mr. Scar, there are children present. It's a sippy cup!

08.07.043

Charlie: [Forces a laugh] Oh, Grandmother! [To Pestilence, urgently] Darling, there will be no goat's blood involved in the ceremony, right?

08.07.044

Harvey: None that they'd tell you about, Private! [Grabs Gertrude's rump] Right, gorgeous?!?

08.07.045

Gertrude: [Playfully swats Harvey away] I think maybe you've been at the goat's blood, Colonel. [Looks him up and down] And you've certainly been working out!

Alice: [Looks at the others and does a "WTF" gesture to them, spreading her hands] Er, come on, let's go look at the goat's blood.

Pestilence: [Reassuringly to Charlie] No, there's no goat's blood in the ceremony! It's not even a ceremony really, just a bunch of kids playing games.

[The party head outside and see that there is what appears to be a pinata hanging up. It is in the shape of a man hanging from chains, who looks like he has been tortured. Rather surprisingly, the kids at the party seem to love it, and the air is filled with the excited squeals of children beating the daylights out of a papier mache torture victim that is spurting all sorts of red candies and sweets out of it.]

Alice: [To Pestilence] That's kind of an inappropriate pinata, isn't it?

Pestilence: It was either that or the blow up doll pinata.

08.07.046

Charlie: [Watching the pi=F1ata massacre with a smile. To Pestilence] Oh, darling! What a clever idea. It pays homage to your grisly heritage in a wholesome, safe way. A bit like Shallowteen!


;;; Shallowteen is Queens Viewian for Halloween,

;;; or so I'm told by the GM!

08.07.047

Alice: [Helping herself to some punch] I think it's very childish and possibly dangerous. [Eyes the pinata jealously]


;;; It's true!

08.07.048

Austin : [To Alice] Why don't you have a go, you might enjoy it! [Frowns] And since when did beating the juice out of a corpse class as childish?

08.07.049

Harvey: [Attempts to strike a heroic pose - fails. To Gertrude] You know it, eh, woman? This is what years on the field of battle does for you, protecting the Realms from all manner of demons, Care Bares and whatnot.

08.07.050

Alice: [Knocks back her punch like it's whiskey] I'll do it, but only to show you how childish it is, Austin. [Grabs a handy chainsaw and charges into the crowd of children] Yeeeeeha!

Gertrude: Charlie must be very proud to be in a party with someone so brave!

08.07.051

Charlie: [To Gertrude, modestly] Well, it's all about strong leadership, you know!

08.07.052

Austin : [To Charlie] Thank you. About time too. [Sips some punch]

08.07.053

Charlie: [Flattered] No, thank YOU, Mr. Sleaze. One doesn't wish to [finger quotes] toot one's own horn too often, you know!

08.07.054

Pestilence: Speaking of tooting horns... [gives an evil smile]

08.07.054

Harvey: Ha! [Grabs Gertrudes rump again] This saucy young minx can toot my horn as often as she likes!


;;; He's a classy guy!

08.07.055

Sebastian: Is letting Alice loose with a chainsaw in a crowd a children really a good idea?

08.07.056

Austin : [To Charlie] Well that's quite alright. I do hope that you have learned something from me during your time in the party. You too could make a good leader one day.

08.07.057

[ALICE returns, struggling back some tears.]

08.07.058

Charlie: [To Alice, sympathetically] What's wrong, dear? Will the others not let you play?

08.07.058

Austin : [Concerned] Oh what happened? [Gives Alice a pat on the back]

08.07.059

Alice: [Bravely choking back some tears] That kid [points at a particularly burly looking five year old] stole my saw!

[ESURION and ANA approach the party.]

Ana: Hi everyone! Isn't this a great party?

08.07.060

Harvey: Well. not if some brat is stealing my niece's chainsaw, no! [Begins to roll up his sleeves] Perhaps I should go and teach the little demon a lesson, eh?

08.07.061

Gertrude: That's okay, Colonel, I'm sure he'll share some of the candies with her once the pinata is broken.

Alice: [Sulkily] Don't want them now.


;;; Out for 1.5 hours!

08.07.062

Austin : [To Alice, smirking] Good, they are full of sugar, and bad for your teeth.


;;;awa hame, have a good, and virus free weekend!

08.07.063

Charlie: I quite agree! Alice, you have had quite enough sugar as it is. [Pats Alice on the head]


;;; You, too! : )

08.07.064

Dur: Nonsense! One can never have enough sugar! Everyone knows it's an amazing natural remedy for all sorts of ailments! Have as much as you want Nurs= e!

08.07.065

Sebastian: You should never deny a GIRL in love her sugar

08.07.066

Alice: [Touched at Sebastian's understanding] Actually, we call it Deuce Juice!

08.07.067

Dur: [Jaw hitching in horror] Unfortunately I can never UN-hear that! [Shudders] =

08.07.068

Harvey: [Confused] Why, does he dissovle it in something?


;;; Unfortunately, I can never un-READ that!

08.07.069

Sebastian: Yes he does Harvey, her perty little mouth [chuckles darkly]


;;; MUAHAHAHAHA I am so glad Conor knew what I was aiming at with what

Sebastian was saying! I WIN!

08.07.70

Alice: Huh? Why would he do that to his Bed Rull? [To the others] He likes the caffeine kick that gives him extra juice to do all his science and stuff work late at night.

08.07.71

Charlie: [Listening to the conversation, revolted] Do remember you ARE at a child's party!


;;; EW!

08.07.072

Alice: What? You're the one who was passing out dictionaries and [with horror] periodic tables!

Ana: [Looks at Charlie with disgust] Well, really.

08.07.073

Charlie: [To Ana, surprised] But don't you want your child to improve, uh-- [clearly guessing] his?--mind?!

08.07.074

Ana: Of course! But I also want him to have fun! After all, this is a .. a.. [to Pestilence] what is this again, Petsy?

Pestilence: It's a Mat Vitzbah. It's a traditional coming age ceremony where a demon kills their first virgin.

08.07.075

Clint: [Winces.] Ooh. Tough luck, doc!


;;; I fear that's it from me today. Due to people trying to graduate,

;;; I'm absolutely swamped.

08.07.076

Ana: [Looks at Pestilence for a moment, before laughing] Oh, you! [To Dur] Really? A virgin? I must introduce you to my sister!

08.07.077

Dur: [Chokes on a piece of kidney cake he just pulled from his pants] Whhhhaaaaatttt? [Nervously] Errr... Welll... Ummmm... Perhaps later!=

08.07.077

Charlie: [Forces a laugh] Yes, isn't he funny?! [Squeezes Pestilence's arm urgently] Now, what will we REALLY be doing, darling? Something terribly wholesome and safe, like enjoying another pi=F1ata??

08.07.078

Ana: [To Dur] Oh, that's fine. She won't be out of jail for another three to six months.

Pestilence: It's time for presents!

Alice: Yay! We get presents? Man! This is the best party EVER!

08.07.079

Charlie: [To Alice] For Will, not for you! [To Pestilence, relieved] Wonderful! What did we get her, darling?

08.07.080

Sebastian: [In a hushed voice to the others so Charlie doesn't hear] I wonder which of those poor kids is the intended virgin sacrifice

08.07.081

Harvey: [In a loud booming voice] Who cares, what?!? All I know is it's not *me*! [To Gertrude, leeringly] How about I save you from the prospect of being the virgin, eh?

08.07.082

Austin : Colonel, I think it more likely that Gertrude would be saving you, in that context.

08.07.083

Gertrude: [To Harvey] It's a bit late for that, Colonel!

[A huge cake is being wheeled out.]


;;; In and out all day today, so sporadic posting

08.07.084

Charlie: [Surprised] Colonel, really! She is my grandmother, after all! Surely implied in that is a loss of virginity. Oh, and also, DO behave yourself!

08.07.084

Austin : [To Harvey] Gertrude is a great grand mother, after all. Although I do agree, she most certainly does not look it.


;;;; me too

08.07.085

Gertrude: I may be a great grandmother, [good naturedly] you pair of whippernsappers, but I'm still a woman!


;;; Just what you want to hear your grandmother say!

08.07.086

Charlie: [Looks pained] Yes, but, grandmother! My colleague? And at your great-granddaughter's party?! Perhaps we should all enjoy some nice, wholesome cake?

08.07.087


;;; Drew is out today

Sebastian: Good idea! [Sizes up the huge cake, which is in the shape of a scary castle] Uh, nice cake, there, Pestilence.

[The children all gather around the cake, eyeing it greedily.]

Wilhelmina: I don't want those babies eating my cake!

08.07.088

Charlie: [To Wilhelmina, scolding] Will, dear, you must be a good hostess and share you cake with your guests. [To the other children] Please enjoy a piece of cake!

08.07.089

Last from Heather

Wilhelmina: No! No! Nooooo!

08.07.090

Charlie: [Shocked] Will! Do control yourself. There is more than enough cake for everyone.


;;; That's my three!

08.07.091

Dur: [To Will] Besides that, you can always hide some extra cake in your underwear and have left-overs when ever you like!

08.07.092

Charlie: [To Will] You are NOT to put cake in your underwear!

08.07.093

Clint: That's okay, kid, I'm sure Dur will share if you ask nicely.

08.07.093

Harvey: What if Gertrude here were to put her underwear in the cake?

08.07.094

Will: [To Dur] You're creepy! Mom says you're like a homeless person!


;;; End of scene, next one coming right up!

08.08.001

[Book VIII, Act VIII, Scene VIII. The Ruins of the Manor. ALICE, AUSTIN, CHARLIE, CLINT, DUR, HARVEY and SEBASTIAN are here, poking through the gate and into the main grounds. The bodies of MORKOFF and VIC have been searched and reveal nothing of interest. There are some remains of the party still in evidence, including the huge plate that the cake was on and some of the paraphernalia from the party games, such as part of the inappropriate pinata.]

Alice: Huh, I think I remember that cake. I bet it had something to do with what happened here -- I mean, Will did get a little weird about it, didn't she?

08.08.002

Dur: Indeed! Just before she told me what her mother really thinks of me! [Crosses his arms grumpily]

08.08.003

Charlie: [To Dur, laughing awkwardly] Er, children say this silliest things! [To Alice, defensively] The poor little dear was just a bit tired, that's all.

08.08.003

Clint: Ah, c'mon, Doc. Since when did you care about what other people thought of you? But yeah, wil was being kind of bratty. I figure it's normal kid stuff.

08.08.003

Alice: [Reassuringly] Aw! That's okay, Dur! [As nicely as she can] We all think that! Even Clint, and he smells even worse than you do! [Gives him a big thumbs up]

08.08.004

Alice: [Nods] It is. But she's not really a normal kid and [gestures to the ruins] I didn't create this kind of damage at one of my parties until I was eleven!


;;; Gone for an hour!

08.08.005

Charlie: [Looks around] Do be serious. Will couldn't cause this kind of damage. She's just a child.

08.08.006

Dur: [Pointedly] A DEMON-child.

08.08.007

Sebastian: [To Charlie at the same time as Dur] Not really Chuck. I mean, she is half demon after all. What's to say she didn't throw a huge tantrum and burn the house down when someone tried to take some of her cake?

08.08.007

Clint: And c'mon, Sarge, everyone knows that there's nothing as destructive as a kid on a sugar rush anyway!

08.08.008

Charlie: [Coolly] Certainly, she is a bit high-spirited at times, and, granted, she does not yet know her own strength. But she would NOT have destroyed her own home.

08.08.009

Alice: [Smiles] Ah, just what my mother said about me! [Thinks for a moment] Except with some stuff about me probably not being her real daughter...

08.08.010

Harvey: [Surprised] Really? Well, tell her she might not be your real mother, and see how she likes that, what!?

08.08.011

Clint: Yeah, but Wil really is Charlie's. Uhh... right, Chuck?

08.08.012

Charlie: [Haughtily] Of course!

08.08.013

Alice: [Points to a nearby glass house, that is completely smashed, but apparently untouched by the fire] Huh. What happened to that?

08.08.014

Charlie: [Alarmed] Let's take a look! [Goes toward the glass house]

08.08.015

[The place is a mess. Some of the glass has been broken from the outside, but some clearly from the inside, and the interior is destroyed, with broken plant pots everywhere. There's quite a bit of blood on the broken glass, but no obvious sign of any bodies.]

Alice: Uh oh! This can't be good!


;;; Another in and out day for me today

08.08.016

Austin : Especially if you are a plant.


;;;; and me too!

08.08.017

Charlie: [Snaps at Austin] You do realize that this blood could belong to someone in my family?!

08.08.018

Harvey: Possibly caused by a member of your family, what? Reminds me of when we were stationed in Zingbongaland - the pastime for the local tribes seemed to be to kill each other on a regular basis, what? We mainly just left them to it. Kept the population down, eh?


;;; Harvey on peacekeeping policy... It's a wonder he's not leading the UN!

08.08.019

Austin : [To Charlie] Yes I do realise that this blood could belong to a member of your family. This is the kind of thing that happens when you marry a demon, and hold a virgin sacrifice party for your demon daughter. What else did you expect?

08.08.020

Charlie: [Defensively] The pi=F1ata symbolically represented the virgin sacrifice, to be fair! [Looks around] Perhaps Pestilence took them all to safety? But where? And how did WE get separated?

08.08.021

Alice: [Appalled at Austin and Harvey] Yeesh! Just because she's married to a demon doesn't mean she doesn't care when members of her family die!

08.08.022

Sebastian: [To Charlie] Either the fire happened after we left, or we left once we knew everyone was safe. Why else would end up drunk and in our underwear on top of a mountain a week after the party?

08.08.023

Alice: Or maybe WE started the fire!

08.08.024

Harvey: [Considers this possibility, then shakes his head] Hmm, no I don't believe we're the sort of people who run around starting fires, what? No, Private Parker-Kensington's family seem like much more likely candidates for that sort of thing, eh?

08.08.025

Charlie: [Furious] Or perhaps the people who attacked us?! Need I remind you that almost my entire family was killed in a fire less than a year ago? And we did NOT start that fire, as you may also remember!

08.08.024

Austin : Indeed, we have done far worse. All with good reason, naturally. I am sure this is no different.

08.08.025

Alice: Harvey! Yikes! Do we need to get Dur to take out the Probulator again? I think you're being weird. [To the others] He's being weird right? I mean, everyone else remembers him and Gertrude, don't they?

08.08.026

Sebastian: [Scratching his head] Well there was that time on my 18th birthday I got drunk and tried to show off my abilities and accidently burned down where the party was being held

08.08.027

Harvey: [To Alice] My dear, Gertrude and I were simply, um, getting to know each other, what? Perfectly natural thing for two consenting adults to be doing, eh?

08.08.028

Alice: A lot more natural than not caring about the fact that the rest of Charlie's family might have been killed! [Starts looking through the wreckage]

08.08.029

Charlie: [Joins Alice in looking through the wreckage of the glass house] This is dreadful! I only wish I could remember something other than the Colonel's incredibly inappropriate behavior toward Grandmother!

08.08.030

Alice: Wasn't there another demon there? Esurion? Could she be involved?

08.08.031

Sebastian: Oh come on Alice, just because she is a demon doesn't mean she is bad. Maybe she is reformed like Pestilence.

08.08.032

Austin : In our extensive experience, Demons never reform, they just have ulterior motives that necessitate good behaviour for a period of time.

08.08.032

Dur: [Frowning] You say that as if you think all of us believe Petsy has truly reformed.=

08.08.033

Charlie: [Surprised] How can you say that? He has come such a long way in a very short time. AND without the benefit of a conscience!

08.08.034

Dur: No one here is questioning the distance he has traveled Charlie! We'requestioning his moral compass! It typically seems to point in a very diffe= rent direction than most people's!

08.08.035

Alice: [Holds up a severed finger] Uh oh! Anyone belong to this?

08.08.036

Dur: [Reflexively] Dibs! Errr... I mean... [Checks his fingers] Not mine!

08.08.037

Alice: Well, whatever happened in here was no accident. I mean, if it was, surely whoever belongs to this would have kept it?

08.08.038

Dur: Perhaps we should look for witnesses who may have seen what happened here?=

08.08.039

Harvey: Well, at present we only have one witness [Looks at the finger sternly] Now, if you don't tell us what you know, we'll put your todger in a floury bap and shout "Dinnertime, Fido!" [Pauses, then frowns at the party] Hmmm, we may need an alternative interrogation technique, what?

08.08.039

Austin : [To Charlie] True, Pestilence has come a very long way, but where is he going? You will live and die a normal human life span, but that of a demon like Pestilence will be very much longer I suspect. What will he be like in a thousand years from now?

08.08.040

Sebastian: Unless of course he takes out a separate insurance policy to prevent her death completely. He said the current one only covers untimely death right?

08.08.041

Austin : Perhaps, but surely he would need to make Charlie a demon some how. Perhaps he knows how to transfer souls from one body to another? [Shudders at the thought]

08.08.041

Charlie: [To Sebastian] He cancelled that policy, at my request. [To Austin, stubbornly] After I am gone, he will still have Will to look after, not to mention any grandchildren she gives us. He will NOT return to his former way of life.

08.08.042

Dur: [Exasperated] Unfortunately your refusal to look at the situation withan objective mind is far more dangerous than Petsy is at the moment. Perha= ps we should focus on the matter at hand. [Searches the area for more clues. Is there anyone on the streets?] =

08.08.043

haps we should focus on the matter at hand. [Searches the area for more clues. Is there anyone on the streets?]

Sebastian: Dur is right, this is a conversation for later, when Charlie isn't worried sick about the fate of her family. [Searches the debris] Would be nice though if we could remember what happened next after the cake.


;;; The way these scenes are happening is reminding me of Flash

Forward...only in reverse lol

08.08.044

[Alas, there is no one around. However, the manor is quite a bit out of town, so it isn't that surprising.]

Alice: [Nods at Sebastian's words] You're right. We've got to concentrate... concentrate... [tails off quietly] concentrate... concentrate...


;;; End of scene, next one coming right up

08.09.001

[Book VIII, Act VIII, Scene IX. The Manor. ALICE, AUSTIN, CHARLIE, CLINT, DUR, HARVEY and SEBASTIAN are here, along with PESTILENCE, WILHELMINA, GERTRUDE, HELENA and the party guests, about to cut the cake. Suddenly, the cake explodes, showering everyone in cream.]

Alice: What the hell kind of cake is this?

08.09.002

Austin : [Gasping at the state of his beautiful new suit] An exploding cream cake!

08.09.003

Dur: [Tasting a glob from his robes] Or at least we hope it's cream!

08.09.004

Charlie: [To Pestilence, wiping cake from her eyes] Oh, really, darling! We do have a cake server, you know!

08.09.005

Clint: [Looks pretty revolted at Dur's suggestion.] Lawyer, Doc, you guys want to tell us what this stuff is?

08.09.006

Pestilence: It wasn't supposed to do that!

[Enter SURYA AMBER, a Yellow Tie Guy that the party has clashed with in the past, leaping apparently from within the cake.]

Surya: For the Mother! [Swings his sword at Pestilence, barely missing]

08.09.007

Charlie: [Shrieks] Mother, Grandmother! Get the children out of here! [Tries to whack Surya with a chair]


;;; I'm assuming Charlie didn't bring a sword to the

;;; party?

08.09.007

Harvey: Gah! These blaggards again! [Draws his sword and attacks the YTG]

08.09.008

Sebastian: I hope everyone likes barbecue [aims Burning Hands at the YTG hopefully before Harvey reaches the YTG]

08.09.009

Clint: Sounds right up Dur's alley! [Looks around for a chair/plate/small child he can use to bash the YTG.]

08.09.010

Austin : [Looks at his suit in disgust. Shoots at the YTG] You will die for that!

08.09.011

Surya: You cannot defeat the --

[Much to SURYA's surprise, he is killed, through a combination of AUSTIN, SEBASTIAN, CLINT, CHARLIE and HARVEY.]

Pestilence: What the hell? I specifically told them no strippers in the cake!

[A wave of Yellow Tie wearing fiends leap from the cake.]

Alice: [Hysterically] The children! Won't someone please think of the-- [notices that the mothers, Helena and Gertrude have already got them out of the garden and back towards the house] Oh. I see. Let's kill these bastards!


;;; All but Charlie and Pestilence have weapons

08.09.012

Austin : [Shooting at the closest YTG] I have never seen such jealousy! Mind you, this was probably the most beautiful suit in the world! [At the YTGs] Die!

08.09.013

Alice: [Slicing into a YTG] What the hell is wrong you idiots?

[Amongst the YTGs are KWAME and WALTER, whom the party have clashed with in the past.]

Kwame: We must protect The Mother! Her virginity must be kept intact!

Pestilence: [Punches Kwame] This is Bodenringham Manor -- there're no virgins here!

08.09.014

Charlie: [Tries to whack Kwame with a chair] How does ruining our party help accomplish your paradoxical aims?!

08.09.015

Kwame: [Taking a smack of the chair] You cannot defile The Mother!

[YTGs keep pouring out of the cake, and the party engage them. Although they are doing well, they are being pushed back.]

Pestilence: You bastards! You're lucky I can't kill you!

Walter: You shall die for your sins!

08.09.016

Harvey: Hmm, later we'll discuss whether this "Mother" can also be a virgin, what? But now, die you fiends! [Attacks Walter]

08.09.017

Charlie: Where on earth are they coming from?! The cake isn't THAT big! [Tries to stab Kwame with a broken plate]

08.09.018

Walter: She hasn't given birth yet, you halfwit! [Receives a blow from Harvey, but strikes him back]

Alice: They just keep coming!

Pestilence: [Knocking two of their heads together] Bastards!

08.09.019

Charlie: [Tries to punch one of the hordes of YTGs. To Pestilence, reluctantly] Darling, I think perhaps it's time we made an exception to our earlier agreement! Stop them--by any means necessary!

08.09.020

Austin : [To Pestilence] There is an offer you don't get very often!

08.09.021

Pestilence: [With a smile] And I'm gonna make the most of it!

[PESTILENCE steps into the cake, from which the YTGs are still pouring, and emerges holding an orb.]

Pestilence: I take it that this is the way home? [Smashes it in his hand]

Kwame: [Startled for a moment] We will die happily if we prevent you from harming The Mother!

08.09.022

Charlie: Why do you think we wish to harm The Mother?

08.09.023

Kwame: Why else would you have this disgusting ceremony?

[PESTILENCE slices KWAME's head clean off.]

Pestilence: [With a smile] Because we like cake. [To the party] Kill them. Kill them all!

[The YTGs suddenly realize that they are at something of a disadvantage.]

Walter: Retreat! Retreat!


;;; Busy for next 1-2 hours!

08.09.024

Charlie: [Flinches at the sight of Kwame's decapitation] Don't let any of them escape, group! [Tries to grab a sword from a fallen YTG]

08.09.025

Harvey: Try to take some alive, Troop!

08.09.025


;;; By the way, might get pulled into a meeting

08.09.026

Sebastian: [Aiming Burning Hands at the retreating YTG's] Can't we all just get along? Nope!

08.09.027

Clint: With those idiots? Not a chance!

08.09.028


;;; That took a lot longer than expected!

[The YTGs beat a hasty retreat to the glass house, with WALTER slamming the door behind him as they get in.]

Walter: Hah! They'll never find us in here!

08.09.029

Clint: Hey, let's throw stones!


;;;; Juuuuuust occurred to me!

08.09.030

Sebastian: [Picks up a chair] Why just stones? [Throws the chair at the greenhouse]


;;; Going to be out til the afternoon sometime

08.09.031

Charlie: [Groans] Must you destroy our greenhouse?! We have them trapped now, and we can take them out one at a time to interrogate them!

08.09.032

[CLINT's stone smashes through the glasshouse and hits WALTER, also covering him with glass.]

Walter: Hey! That really hurt! Let's see how you like it! [Picks up a stone]

Alice: Careful! People in glasshouses shouldn't throw stones.

Walter: Oh, really? [Throws the stone at Clint, only for it to hit a pane of glass and rebound, striking him in the face] Ow!

08.09.033

Austin : [To Walter] Who is this 'Mother' you are wittering about and why on earth do you think that we want to harm her?

08.09.034

Walter: You can torture us all you like, but we'll never talk, never!

Pestilence: [With a grim smile] Challenge accepted. [Charges into the glasshouse and grabs Walter by the throat]

08.09.035

Harvey: Pestilence, make sure he's *able* to talk when you're done with him, eh?


;;; Now, when Harvey grabs someone by the throat

;;; everyone goes crazy but when Pestilence does it... ;)

08.09.036

Austin : [To Walter] Torture! Now there is a good idea. Although you could just tell us what you think we are doing that might harm your mother? [Shrugs] We don't even know who your mother is.

08.09.037

Charlie: [To Harvey, confidently] Don't worry, he knows what he's doing! [To Walter] Answer our questions at once, or there will be terrible consequences!

08.09.038

Walter: Help!

[There follows an orgy of violence in which PESTILENCE rips the remaining YTGs to pieces.]

Alice: Er, Is there going to be anything left?

08.09.039

Charlie: [To Pestilence, alarmed] Darling, stop! You must leave someone behind for us to question!!

08.09.040

[PESTILENCE keeps going, and soon they are all dead, but there's no sign of him stopping, and he continues to beat WALTER's skull to a bloody pulp.]

08.09.041

Charlie: [Horrified, rushes to try to stop Pestilence] STOP!

08.09.042

Harvey: Don't worry, he knows what he's doing!

08.09.043

Darby: [Who has crept up behind the party to watch] Oh dear! [To the party] I've seen this before! [Grabs Pestilence by the shoulder] Petsy! Stop!

[PESTILENCE instinctively turns and punches DARBY.]

Pestilence: Oops!

08.09.044

Austin : [Facing away from the carnage, fanning himself lightly with a pocket fan. To Darby] Where can you possibly have seen this before?

08.09.045

Dur: [Frowning] In my expert medical opinion... They all appear to be dead.

08.09.046

Charlie: [To Darby, worried] Are you all right? Oh, if only we had a doctor!

08.09.047

Darby: [Ignoring Austin] Oh, I'll be fine, it's just a slight break.

Alice: [Peers at Darby] And two black eyes! And a broken tooth, and, ew! A really, really unfortunate birthmark!

[DARBY bursts into tears.]

Alice: [To Pestilence] See what you've done!

08.09.048

Harvey: Indeed! How on earth did you manage to create such a hideous mutation as that birthmark, what?

08.09.048

Clint: [To Charlie.] Oh yeah, he's totally reformed!

08.09.049

Charlie: Colonel, please! Hasn't Dorrie suffered enough?! [To Pestilence] Darling, do apologize to this poor woman at once, and let us take her into Apraxia so that she can seek medical attention [takes a look at Darby] and possibly the aid of a plastic surgeon.

08.09.050

Darby: That's not a birthmark, that's my ear!

[Everyone leans and looks closely at her ear.]

All: Ew!

Pestilence: Oh, she'll be fine!

08.09.051

Dur: Yes, yes, but that is no thanks to you! [Tries to cast cure light wounds on Darby] I say Petsy, whenever you offer your brand of 'help' we some h= ow end up worse off than we started. Now how are we going to find out WHO the mother is with no living witnesses?

08.09.051

Clint: Hey, at least she's set for a visit from the tooth fairy tonight. That's got to be worth something.

08.09.052

Alice: [Shows Clint that she's snagged one of Darby's teeth] She's not the only one!

Pestilence: [Looks Dur up and down with an evil, smug grin, before turning to Charlie] That no killing rule, that's still gone, right?

08.09.053

Charlie: [To Pestilence, softly] No more killing, darling. [Looks around at the massacre unhappily and adds weakly] But thank you for helping us. [Briskly, to the party] Right, now let us get the children and their mothers safely home. I do believe this party is over.

08.09.054

Pestilence: [Gives Dur a smug look] As you wish, Darling. However, this party is only just getting started, isn't it, Darb?

Darby: [Weakly] Yes...

08.09.055

Dur: [Nervously] I don't like the sound of that...

08.09.056

Pestilence: We've still got Guess The Demon to play!

08.09.057

Charlie: [Excited beyond all reason] Ooooh, how wonderful! That sounds like SO much fun!

08.09.058

Pestilence: Yes! And then we've got some music! [To the party, seemingly strangely enthusiastic for a man covered in bits of body] You'll love this band!

08.09.059

Charlie: That's sounds marvelous! I-- [catches herself] --oh, what am I saying?! We cannot go on with games and music just now! We have a dozen frightened children and their mothers to worry about, not to mention [gestures delicately at the carnage around Pestilence] a bit of tidying up to do.

08.09.060

Harvey: [Frowning in concentration] Hmm, guess the demon eh? That's a tough one. [Points at Pestilence] Are you Wilhelmina?

08.09.061

Austin : [Looking a little pale] Will these demons be here in person?

08.09.061

Pestilence: No, I'm Pestilence. [To Charlie] But they're my favourite band, and I think everyone's going to love them!

08.09.062

Charlie: [Looks around uncertainly, clearly torn] Well, perhaps if we can manage to convince the guests that this was part of the party--like a little play?--and hide these corpses. . . .?

08.09.063

Pestilence: [Laughs at Austin] Only a few of them! Come on, gang, it's gonna be a hoot!


;;; End of scene, next one coming right up

08.10.001


;;; Back to the present again!

[Book VIII, Act VIII, Scene X. The Glasshouse. ALICE, AUSTIN, CHARLIE, CLINT, DUR, HARVEY and SEBASTIAN are here, searching through the rubble.]

Alice: Huh, it's all coming back to me now -- it was the YTGs that caused all the damage!

08.10.002

Dur: And Pestilence who caused all the blood.

08.10.002

Charlie: [Worried] But they didn't start the fire!


;;; Great, now that song will be in my head all day!

08.10.003

Sebastian: Anyone else finding it odd we seem to be having shared flashbacks of what happened? Okay fine, we get to remember what happened, but the same parts at the same time as each other? Something doesn't seem right.


;;; Getting that song stuck in your head is like losing The Game.

Totally random and annoying as hell

08.10.004

Dur: Perhaps we all drank the exact same amount and the memories are on a timed delay!


;;; Ack! Now I lost 'The Game' !

08.10.005

Alice: Or maybe we all drank different amounts, but actually exactly the same relative to our metabolic rates?


;;; She's right -- we all remember because we're talking about it!!

08.10.006

Austin : And what are the chances of that happening?

08.10.007

Charlie: And WHERE is my family now?

08.10.008

Alice: [To Austin] I'd give it about a one. [To Charlie] I don't know, but does this mean that two things happened here?

08.10.009

Harvey: Hmm, well, yes, I suppose it does, what? [Ticks off a finger] We had cake, [Ticks off a second finger] some people died, [Ticks off a third finger] and there was something about this fellow wearing a yellow tie, what? Hmmm... Now, where is that young maiden Gertrude, eh?

08.10.010

Alice: Are we going to have to give you a cold shower, Harvey? [To the others] Come on, let's see if we can get a look at the house and see where the fire started.

08.10.011

Charlie: Yes, really, Colonel! Your behavior toward my grandmother was most shocking!

08.10.012

Austin : [Sighs] That is pure unbridled hypocrisy coming from a woman who is boinking a three thousand year old demon, so can you stop whingeing about it [emphasises] please.

08.10.013

Alice: Don't be so ridiculous, Austin! He's not a three thousand year old demon, he's a two hundred thousand year old demon, and, in fairness, he's not a wrinkly like Gertie and [lowers her voice, but is still loud enough to hear] Harvey!

08.10.013

Charlie: [With a sniff] Actually, Pestilence is 200,000 years old, and the comparison is absurd. Harvey is a married man. Besides, it's icky to flirt with the grandmother of a colleague!

08.10.014

Alice: But Grandfather? Well, that's okay, [unsure] right?

08.10.015

Charlie: [To Alice, exasperated] No! [Briskly] Now, let us investigate this fire!

08.10.016

Sebastian: [Still searching the rubble of the greenhouse] Ok, we can assume for now Alice is right about the booze. How did the dimension orb get inside the cake to begin with? Did they just summon it there by chance, or was the one who baked the cake working with the YTG's and put the orb in there for them?


;;; Out in 45 minutes for about 2 hours

08.10.017

Alice: [Indignantly] Well, it wasn't so much a colleague as a friend! [To Sebastian] I bet the baker was in league with them. Any time we've dealt with orbs that help people jump through dimensions, the orb had to be present first, so someone put that orb there.


;;; She's right, the party's understanding is that orbs themselves can't travel

08.10.018

Sebastian: [To Charlie] Any idea what baker would have been used by Pestilence Charlie?

08.10.019

Charlie: [Sheepishly] Not really. He always handles the domestic side of things. Once we find him, he'll be able to help us track the baker down, though!

08.10.020

Austin : Perhaps the band that Pestilence hired was Sexy Penis, and the house merely suffered the usual consequenses of hosting one of their gigs?

08.10.021

Charlie: [Shakes her head] No, I doubt that. He doesn't care for them. [To the rest of the party] He finds them rather crude.

08.10.022

Alice: [Excited] Sexy Penis? Wow! Do you think so? Hey, maybe one of them made me pregnant!

08.10.023

Sebastian: I hope not given all of us having alcohol induced memory loss for a week. All that drink could have harmed your baby.


;;; Out for 2 hours

08.10.023

Charlie: [Firmly] No, I don't think so, as I said! Now, let us try to determine what started this fire!

08.10.024

[The front of the manor definitely has more damage than the back, so it appears as though there was a blast directed at it.]

Alice: Could it have been some sort of weapon? Fired at the manor?

08.10.025

Austin : [Considering the damage] A huge explosion perhaps, or maybe someone rammed into the front of the manor in a carriage full of explosives?

08.10.026

Charlie: [Unhappily] Yes, that could well be what happened. Perhaps the YTGs sent reinforcements?

08.10.027

Alice: [As the party step inside] Yikes! Look at this! [Points to blood all over the inside walls. Clearly, it has been wiped, but only to get away the most disgusting chunks]

08.10.028

Harvey: What the blazes happened here?

08.10.029

Austin : [Holding a handkerchief over his mouth and nose] It would take quite a few virgin sacrifices to produce this amount of blood!

08.10.030

Charlie: [Frantic] Does anyone see a body? Or bodies?!

08.10.031

Alice: Nothing! Whatever happened here, all the bodies are gone! Why on earth would someone do that? And why weren't we involved?


;;; Gone for the weekend!

08.10.032

Sebastian: What if we were? Think about it, guess the demon was the next game on Pestilence's list, and our clothes all had demon names on them when we got the carriage back today. What if we were here when everything happened?


;;; Can we tell how long it has been since the manor blew up?

08.10.033

Dur: [Thoughtfully] Could be. Whatever caused this much devastation could possibly account for our memory loss too... But then how did we end up so fa= r away from the manor...?

08.10.033

Clint: At least we know this time it's not our fault! Unless someone's been really holding out on the group, none of us can do this kind of thing.


;;; Whoops! Thought today was Saturday, for some reason.

08.10.034

Harvey: Hmm, well there was that incident with the curry - a Windaloo, wasn't it?

08.10.035

Clint: Hmm. That would also explain how we ended up so far away from the manor...

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08.10.036

Alice: At least it wasn't a Beentodaloo, Harv! [Looks up at the ceiling] Yikes, look at this. There's blood on the ceiling!

[It's difficult to tell how long it's been since the manor blew up, as there are still minor fires, but given the damage, it's reasonable to assume it was two days ago, which is when the party were there.]

08.10.037

Austin : [Ducks away from the blood. Deadpan] Perhaps it was an accident.

08.10.038

Alice: Mm-hm. What kind of accident do you think might have caused this, Aussie?

08.10.039

Charlie: [Smacks her head in frustration] Oh WHY can't I remember what happened here? And where on earth is my family?!

08.10.040

Alice: Do you think that'll help? I can do it too, if you think so. [Assumes a slapping position in front of Charlie]

08.10.041

Charlie: Though that is a tempting offer, I would prefer to do something a tad more constructive just now. Can anyone see anything that suggests a retreat in any particular direction?

08.10.042

Austin : [Takes a look around for foot prints or carriage tracks etc. To Alice] The kind of accident that involves a bunch of demons and a gaggle of virgins?

08.10.042

Harvey: Well, yes, of course, Private. [Squints at the ruins of the house] Judging by the damage... [Picks up a burnt piece of wood, examines it] I believe they may have retreated in a direction away from the house, what?

08.10.043

Alice: There does seem to be a lot more demons wandering around than previously. I wonder can they move in and out of our dimension more easily still?

[The only tracks seem to be some footprints leading to one of the rooms in the manor. There are several sets, including what appear to either be children's or those belonging to very small demons.]

08.10.044

Charlie: Perhaps Will led the other children to a good hiding place! [Follows the footprints]

08.10.045

[The party head to the room and stop in shock when they see a huge painting on the wall, which appears to be in blood. One one side are a number of figures, and the other, what appears to be a girl cutting someone's head off.]

Alice: Yikes! What the hell happened here?


;;; The wiki is now updated, and there's a "Useful Links" section on

the front page, with links

;;; to NPCs and events that are current. I'm in the process of

updating them, so some only

;;; contain section headings at the moment, but they'll still give you

some idea.

08.10.046

Charlie: [Gasps at the sight of the painting. Shakily] Well, obviously, it is too early to say what happened here, in any definitive sense! QUITE obviously, far too early! [Calls out] Will, darling?! Are you in here? [Looks around for Will or anyone else]

08.10.047

Alice: Actually, I think it is very obvious! Look, that guy fell down after his head fell off, and then someone waved a white flag!

08.10.048

Sebastian: Or someone threatened Will's friends and she cut off the attackers head to protect them. I guess spending time with Petsy while he "interrogated" suspects paid off. [Does the finger quotes when saying interrogated]

08.10.049

Austin : It is far more likely that this simply depicts Wil sacrificing a virgin.

08.10.050

Harvey: Hmm, well, yes I'm sure Pestilence would be proud, what?

08.10.051

Charlie: [To Austin, sharply] Will did NOT sacrifice a virgin!

08.10.052

Alice: [Points to the figure holding the axe] I thought that *was* Pestilence! [To Austin] She's right Aus. Everyone knows that Will wouldn't sacrifice a virgin because of the.. uh, the.. why is that, Charlie?

08.10.053

Charlie: [Firmly] Because she is merely a child! And Pestilence would never encourage such behavior in her.

08.10.054

Austin : Well, she is not merely a child, she is a demon. How old is she?

08.10.055

Alice: She must be several months old by now!

08.10.056

Charlie: True, is not ONLY human, and she has grown rapidly. That does NOT make her a killer. She has been raised to be an ordinary little girl in a loving, nurturing environment!

08.10.057

[There's a somewhat awkward silence.]


;;; End of scene, next one coming right up!

08.10.057

Dur: [Mumbling a bit under his breath] Sure, loving, nurturing, and MURDEROUS environment. Perfectly healthy for a rapidly growing demon child.=

08.11.001

[Book VIII, Act VIII, Scene XI. The Door of the Manor. ALICE, AUSTIN, CHARLIE, CLINT, DUR, HARVEY, SEBASTIAN and PESTILENCE are here, heading to the manor from the glass house. This action takes place immediately after Scene IX.]

Alice: Well, thank Phili all that's over. I don't think I could take much more excitement. [To Pestilence] Now, what's this ba-

[ALICE is rather rudely interrupted by a body being thrown out of the main door of the manor and landing right in front of the party. It is the remains of a YTG who has been ripped to shreds.]


;;; Here's where we left off:

;;; http://www.queens-view.com/Resources/curr.html#08.09.063

08.10.058

Austin : Hmmm, indeed, it is certainly nurturing. Look at the lovely paintings she does.

08.11.002

Charlie: Oh, NO! Hurry, there may be more of them! [Races into the manor]

08.11.003

Austin : [Following at a safe distance. Tuts] I am sure they will leave some for you!

08.11.004

Dur: [To the rest of the group as Charlie rushes ahead.] Are we rescuing Charlie's family from the YTGs or the YTGs from Charlies family?=

08.11.005

Harvey: Why, we're the dutiful peacekeepers, Doctor, rescuing everyone from everyone - especially themselves, what?!?

08.11.006

Pestilence: [Jogging past Dur, knocking off him as he does, and giving him a smile] Just as long as no one needs to rescue you!

[The party get to the door and are greeted by the site of at least twenty YTGs who have been killed in a gruesome fashion, mainly torn to pieces. There is blood everywhere, even on the ceiling. Sitting impassively on a convenient chair in the middle of all of them is ESURION, one of the mothers, buffing her nails.]

Esurion: [Giving a big smile] Hello everyone!

08.11.007

Charlie: [Looks around, horrified] What happened here? [Looks at Esurion closely] Are you all right? Where are the children?

08.11.008

Sebastian: Damn. Well at least it wasn't those cute fluffy Care Bares that got killed. [Looking around] Yeah, where are the children? [Suddenly sounds excited] That's it! That's why they attacked! The Mother is a virgin, and Will has to sacrifice a virgin! Makes total sense now. The YTG's think Will is going to kill The Mother.

08.11.009

Austin : [To Seb] Sorry to burst your bubble there, but a mother cannot also be a virgin. It's doesn't work like that.

08.11.010

Esurion: Maybe The Mother isn't a mother yet? [To Charlie] It's okay, when I saw the YTGs coming I sent them all to another room and tried to hold them off. All the children are just great.

08.11.011

Charlie: [To Sebastian, intrigued] How interesting! That would explain a lot, wouldn't it? [Quickly] Not that Will was ever going to sacrifice a virgin, naturally. [To Esurion, surveying the damage] My, you're quite powerful for a CPA, aren't you?!

08.11.011

Sebastian: Esurion is right Austin. She is not a literal mother, but the mother of the YTG's, appointed leader or whatever because of her purity as a virgin. Or however it is their system works.


;;; Just like when you call a priest Father in Christianity

08.11.010

Clint: Well, a normal mother can't be a virgin. But maybe those yellow tie freaks worship some sort of virgin mother?

08.11.013

Charlie: [Fascinated] Really? How strange! Perhaps it was an adrenaline rush? Or do demons produce adrenaline? Is this the first time you've noticed-- [catches herself] Well, I should like to ask you more about this momentarily, but first I really must check on Will!

08.11.012

Esurion: [To Charlie] Actually, I'm a whole lot more powerful than I would have thought. I'm rather surprised at what I could do to them. I wonder what happened.

08.11.014

Austin : [Nods] Yes, a good choice. Follow Pestilence's example and put your family before yourself for a change! Well done, you will be a mother yet!

08.11.015

Pestilence: [Grabs Austin] She always puts her family before herself. Don't you criticize her for putting the safety of the world ahead of her family.

08.11.016

Charlie: [To Pestilence, soothingly] It's all right, darling. His opinion of our private life is not important. Now, let us go find Will. She must be scared to death!

08.11.016

Austin : Surely the safety of the world is the safety of her family too? And I was not criticizing her for that, I really don't know where you get that idea from!

08.11.016

Clint: Hey now, don't go killing the lawyer. Sometimes he just can't help himself. Anyway, where's Will?

08.11.017

Pestilence: [Pushes Austin away] Yeah, sure.

Esurion: Oh, it's fine. There were twenty five of them here, I managed to kill them all, although I did get blood on my blouse. [Makes a cross face]

Alice: Uh... including the guy you threw out the door, there are only twenty four.

08.11.018

Charlie: [To Esurion, aghast] And you call yourself a CPA?! [Hurriedly goes to find Will]

08.11.019

Clint: [Scoffs.] Like a CPA needs to be able to count! As long as they can hide money from the revenue service...

08.11.019

Austin : CPA? What is a CPA? Child Protection Agent?

08.11.021

Charlie: [Shocked] Will?! [To Pestilence] Is this what was supposed to happen?!

Pestilence: [With a big smile] Huh, I thought it might, but I guess [nods at the YTG] he was a virgin!

08.11.022

Charlie: [Goes to hug Will] Are you all right, dear? You were terribly brave, defending your friends from that dreadful man. [Uncertainly] He WAS threatening you, wasn't he?


;;; OMG. How long have I been playing this game?!

08.11.023

Will: [Returns the hug] Sure!

Gertrude: [Gets to her feet] She saved us all, Charlie. He came in looking for The Mother, saying that she wouldn't be a virgin sacrifice.


;;; Tsk!

08.11.024

Austin : [Frowns as he straightens his jacket after being demon handled by Pestilence.] Thank goodness you are both alright! [Looks very relieved. To Will] Well done young lady.

08.11.025

Will: [With something of a smirk] Why, thank you, Austin. I'm sure it has something to do with my loving, nurturing, and [gives Dur a strange smile] murderous environment.

08.11.026

Harvey: Quite right, my dear! There's nothing like a bit of murdering to set the day straight! [Slaps Gertrude on the rump] Eh, my dear?


;;; Yeah, this is Harvey trying to not sound creepy or derranged!

08.11.027

Gertrude: Well, frankly, Colonel, I'd prefer not to have my Great Granddaughter's special day over run by a bunch of Yellow Tie wearing maniacs.


;;; I see! Hardly creepy or deranged at all!

08.11.028

Dur: [Looking rather nervous from Will's smile] Err... Well... Right... Uhhh... I'm just glad that everyone is ok...

08.11.028

Clint: Don't worry, you get used to this kind of crap after a while.

08.11.029

Sebastian: So [Looks to Pestilence] Guess the demon?

08.11.029


;;; No posts today, back to normal tomorrow!

08.11.030

Pestilence: Greatest party game ever! [Thinks for a moment and gives a strange smile] Well, maybe not ever, but good for a laugh!

Alice: Er, it is a bit weird that Will suddenly looks 13, right?

08.11.031

Charlie: [To Alice, nostalgically] They do grow up SO fast. When you are a mother, you'll see!

08.11.032

Austin : [To Charlie] I think she meant that Wil looks, and sounds 13, or more, but is actually only 6 months old.

08.11.033

Charlie: Yes, it is rather extraordinary, isn't it? [To Pestilence] Have you any idea why this ceremony accelerated Will's growth? I had thought it was simply a nice way to give her a little party!

08.11.033

Alice: Actually, Austin, what I meant was that although she's only about six months old, she looks and sounds 13.

Wilhelmina: It's the Mat Vitzbah, Austin, my coming of age.

08.11.034

Pestilence: [Proudly putting his arm around Wilhelmina] Yeah, I wondered if this would happen. I guess [nods at the body] he was a virgin. [To Wilhelmina] You didn't kill any other virgins, did you?

Wilhelmina: Nope, didn't kill any other [emphasis] virgins.

08.11.035

Charlie: [To Will, scolding] You mustn't joke about such things. It is a very serious thing to take a life. You must NEVER kill, unless it is in self-defense.

08.11.036

Harvey: Indeed, in self defense, what? Or when ordered to by your commanding officer, eh? Or if the individual in question is really annoying. Or foreign.

08.11.037

Charlie: [To Will, giving Harvey a dirty look] And do NOT listen to Uncle Harvey. Your father and I will teach you the proper way to behave.

08.11.038

Pestilence: [Nods at Charlie's words] We've got a big list of rules!

Wilhelmina: Sorry, Mother, I meant to say that I didn't kill any other virgins in self defence.

08.11.039

Charlie: [Beams and gives Will a hug] Well, all right, then! [To everyone present] Perhaps we should see to our guests and make sure no one was injured?

08.11.040

Harvey: [Beams as well] Excellent! [Pauses] Were they foriegn then?

08.11.040

Austin : [Relieved] Well, at least your Mat Vitzbah was a success!

08.11.041

Alice: [To Harvey] If they were foreign then, Harvey, wouldn't they still be foreign now?

Wilhelmina: [To Austin] And I'd like to thank you, Austin, you and the rest of the party. It wouldn't have been possible without you guys.

08.11.042

Austin : [To Wil] Well, it was no trouble at all. It was very good of you to sort out those YTGs for us. Your father and mother did the rest of the hard work.

08.11.042

Charlie: [Proudly] Very nicely said, dear. Now, let us send our guests home. I do believe they have had enough excitement for one day.

08.11.043

Wilhelmina: I don't know, Aus, Daddy was full sure that none of you would drink the goat's blood.

08.11.044

Austin : [Pales a little] We drank goat's blood? What purpose did that serve?

08.11.045

Pestilence: [Defensively] I thought it would be better than human blood!

08.11.046

Charlie: [Shocked] When did we drink goat's blood?! And why?

08.11.046

Austin : Why, that,... that is most considerate. Was it like a toast to Wil, or was there more to it than that. It is all very new to me!

08.11.047

Harvey: Surely we would have suggested wine as a viable alternative?

08.11.048

Pestilence: I'm sure you would, but how would we have established that the grapes were virgins? [To Charlie] Oh, it's just a demon thing, you know, play some party games, eat some cake, drink some blood, listen to some nice music, kill a virgin.

08.11.049

Charlie: [Rattled, but trying to understand] So you killed a goat, one that was a confirmed virgin, drained it of blood, then gave it to our guests to drink?!

08.11.050

Dur: And what did you do with the goat's internal organs!? Errr... And why do demon's kill virgins at their coming of age parties?=

08.11.051

Pestilence: [To Charlie, beaming] Yup! [To Dur] Ground them up to make a firming agent for the cakes. Now! [Claps his hands together] Who's ready for some music?

08.11.051

Sebastian: I'm still confused as to when we actually drank the goats blood. I'm not sure I remember having a single drink since we got here.

08.11.052

Alice: Oh, please, Seb. Are you really telling us that you're one of those losers who doesn't take a single drink even though he's been at a party for a few hours??


;;; It's safe to say that everyone at least sampled the punch over the course

;;; of the afternoon

08.11.053

Charlie: [To Pestilence, concerned] Er, what sort of music have you got planned, darling?

08.11.053

Sebastian: Of course not. I love a good sloshing. But then if it was in the punch that would explain why I can't remember. I always seem to be forgetful about drinking that stuff [Smirks]


;;; Yeah wasn't sure if the troop had even had time to stop for a

drink with having to get ready and everything else

08.11.054

Pestilence: Sexy Penis!

08.11.055

Clint: [Having learned from his mistakes, sort of.] Which one?

08.11.056

Pestilence: [Giddy with excitement] The good one!

08.11.057

Charlie: [Surprised] But I thought you said they were [finger quotes] crude?

08.11.058

Sebastian: Maybe crude is Petsy's kind of good?

08.11.058

Clint: [Not reassured.] Wait, are we talking the guy Sexy Penis or the girl Sexy Penis?

08.11.059

Last Drew #58

Pestilence: [To Charlie] No, no! You're thinking of Sexy Penis, I meant Sexy Penis.

[Everyone looks at him blankly.]

Pestilence: Well, if you want to be correct, I suppose it's [pronounced Sea Zee Pen Is] Sexy Penis.


;;; Gone for the day!

08.11.059

Harvey: Did we actually determine whether the girl Sexy Penis was a girl Sexy Penis?

08.11.060

Pestilence: Actually, they've changed their name to avoid all the confusion and double entendres.

Alice: What are they called now?

Pestilence: Cum stain.

08.11.061

Charlie: [Mortified, tries to cover Will's ears] But that's even worse! How did they ever conceive of such a sordid name?!

08.11.062

Alice: [Defensively] I think it's a great name!

Pestilence: What's wrong with it? It's just the first part of each of their names.

08.11.062

Austin : I believe that it is simply based upon the names of the towns that the two ladies are from.

08.11.063

Charlie: [To Pestilence, in a low voice] Remember that lovely grey suit I had PLANNED to wear to the faculty mixer last month. . . ?

08.11.064

Pestilence: [Happy smile] Yeah... [looks shocked] Oh. I see. That's very unfortunate, [sniggers] although, kinda funny. [Looks out the door] Is there a cum stain here?

[A male voice answers.]

Voice: Not yet.

Alice: [Looks excited] Could it be....?

08.11.065

Charlie: [Hopeful] Oh, will I finally be accorded the opportunity to [finger quotes] rock?! [Looks out the door]

08.11.066

[Standing outside are four naked men holding drums, WILLEM POLE, PETER DONG, RICHARD SHAFT and PETER LONGFELLOW. They are Sexy Penis, the rockingest all naked band in the Realms, and, without question, everyone's favourite band and party animals. This is a big moment for everyone.]

Alice: I don't know whether to faint or throw my underpants at them!


;;; Out for TWO hours!

08.11.067

Charlie: [Ecstatic] How thrilling! [Fusses with her turtleneck] Oh, WHY didn't I wear a shirt I could unbutton slightly?!


;;; That's my three!

08.11.068

Austin : [To Sexy Penis, with a huge smile] Gentlemen, please come in. Unfortunately I am not your host, [Gestures to Charlie] she appears to be momentarily start struck. I expect you get that all of the time? [Shows them in] Do come in and make yourself at home, I expect that you may want to do a sound check? Just ask me if you need anything.

08.11.069

Sebastian: [Excitedly] This party just got even better!


;;; Only post from me for today I'm afraid. See you all tomorrow

08.11.070

Willem: [Completely naked, hugging Austin] Thanks, man, that's real cool of you. Real cool. [Flashes his million GP smile at the room] Me 'n Dick 'n the two Peters, we've got a few tunes we think you'd like.

Pestilence: [Appalled] Hey! You're not Penny and Isobel! I thought I was going to see A Big Fat Cock! [To the room] It's a lovely song about a rooster who learns that it isn't nice to eat all the grain.

PeterL: [Who clearly has an enormous erection] Aw, that's totally schwa. Sorry, man.

08.11.071

Austin : [To Peter] No need to apologize! That is a fine display, you should be proud! [To the party] Perhaps we should all take our clothes off, to get into the spirit of the party?

08.11.072

Charlie: [To Austin, uncertainly] Is that really the protocol in this situation? It seems a bit extreme. Could we not just shed our cardigans?

08.11.073

Harvey: Heh! Me and Gertrude don't mind, do we, eh?


;;; That's about it from me until Wednesday! (Off to the land of

Scots for the bank holiday)

08.11.073

Austin : [To Charlie] Come now, we were all born naked [Glances at Charlie's cardigan] As far as I know, at any rate. [Smiling, to the party and guests] And, we should be comfortable with our bodies in their natural form!

08.11.074

Gertrude: [Already with her top off, addressing Harvey] Sure!

Willem: [To Austin] Now, you're the kind of guy we want to party with!

Pestilence: [Clearly devastated at not getting to see Cum Stain] So we're not going to get to see Lots of Secs? About a sprinter who is trying to to lose time? I was hoping Will would get to see Lots of Secs.

08.11.075

Austin : [Stripping off, carefully folding his clothes as he does so. To Pestilence] Sorry old chap, but we will just have to make the most of what we have, and have fun!


;;;;awa hame

08.11.075

Charlie: [To Pestilence, comfortingly] Poor darling. Would you feel better if I exposed myself publicly? [In a low voice] I'm wearing my frilliest underwear!

08.11.073


;;; Enjoy your holiday, John! : )

08.11.076

Pestilence: I suppose it wouldn't hurt to let the adults watch. I'll take the kids to the summer lodge, they'll be away from all the smut there.

Wilhelmina: I want to see the naked guys!

08.11.077

Charlie: [To Pestilence, delighted] That's a wonderful idea, darling! [To Will, soothingly] Now, dear, you are growing fast, but still a bit young for [finger quotes] naked guys. Enjoy your childhood, and go play with your friends!

08.11.078

Wilhelmina: [Angrily] They're not my friends, they're just a bunch of babies! I hope they all die! [Storms off] Fine! You all go and have a great time and forget about me!

[Exit WILHELMINA, as all the kids start to cry.]

Alice: [To the kids] Oh, stop, she didn't mean you.

[All the babies stop crying.]

Alice: [To one particularly ugly one] Well, she might have meant you.

[The ugly kid starts to cry.]

08.11.079

Charlie: [Laughs awkwardly] Teenagers! [To Pestilence] Have fun with the children, darling. I'll join you in just a little while.

08.11.080

Pestilence: Will do -- and no waking up naked hundreds of miles away with tattoos. [Wags a stern finger at Willem] I've heard about your after parties!


;;; End of scene, next one coming right up

08.12.001

[Book VIII, Act VIII, Scene XII. The Manor. ALICE, AUSTIN, CHARLIE, CLINT, DUR, HARVEY and SEBASTIAN are here, along with GERTRUDE and the other mothers, standing in front of none other than Sexy Penis, who have erected the largest sound system ever seen. Off to one side is a table laid out for the after party. It contains fruit punch, some sandwiches with the crusts cut off, several doilies, some tattoo needles and just about every drug imaginable. WILLEM steps up to the front, and starts to speak, but is immediately drowned out by some high pitched hysterical screaming.]

Alice: [To Harvey] Yeesh, Harv! Give them man a chance!

Harvey: Sorry, Alice, I was just excited, what!

Willem: Here's a little song that I know you're going to like.

[In one smooth motion, the drums are hammered with sexy penises. The sound system explodes, the manor is destroyed, and the after party is legen -- wait for it...]

08.12.002

[.. wait for it ..]

08.12.003

[ -- dary!]


;;; End of scene, next one coming right up

08.13.001


;;; This scene takes place immediately after Scene 10, and we're now back

;;; to the normal time. Everyone remembers pretty much everything up to the

;;; concert, but it all gets hazy after that. Each PC can conjure up two

;;; embarrassing memories of other PCs -- nothing too crazy -- but do

;;; try to play along and have your character remember it.

;;; I'll do an example below. Try to have them suggestive rather than

;;; absolute.

[Book VIII, Act VIII, Scene XIII. The Manor. ALICE, AUSTIN, CHARLIE, CLINT, DUR, HARVEY and SEBASTIAN are here, looking at WILHELMINA's picture.]

Alice: Wow, so I guess we've finally pieced it all together. That's that, then.


;;; John's in Scotland!

Harvey: Not quite, Niece. I seem to have a memory of you and Gertrude doing something, er, unusual with a cucumber sandwich.

Alice: [Defensively] Hey! She said her back was hot and I wanted to cool her down with the slices. Anyway, [accusingly points at Charlie] Charlie's the one who had the tattoo gun or needle, or whatever the hell it was, and [points at Austin] you're the one who was in that bed with Peter!

08.13.002

Charlie: [To Alice] I merely provided a much-demanded service, if you'll remember! [Puts on a crazy squeaky voice] Do me! Do me! I want kitty whiskers! [Looks at Sebastian pointedly] At least I did not make a [finger quotes] Mommy sandwich, and right on the rare Meropisian rug!

08.13.003

Alice: [Scornfully] That doesn't even sound remotely like Austin!

08.13.004

Austin : And it was not. [To the others] I advise you all to curtail your slanderous accusations, lest legal action be pursued.

08.13.005

Sebastian: I did? [Grins] Who did I have a mommy sandwich with? But hey, at least we know it was simply an awesome sound system that caused the Manor to explode

08.13.006

Alice: [To Austin] You're talking big for a guy who was seen naked with Willem!

08.13.007

Charlie: [To Sebastian, relieved] Yes, and presumably my family is safe and sound. [Looks around at the wreckage with a sigh] Though the manor will have to be rebuilt, yet again! [Primly] On the bright side, at least I conducted myself with dignity last night, unlike the rest of you!

08.13.008

Harvey: [Guffaws] Weren't you the one who kept telling everyone that you'd been Petered?

08.13.008

Austin : [To Alice] Well it sounds like you were enjoying watching me. [To Charlie] I suppose that depends on your definition of dignity, lady whip!

08.13.009

Alice: I always enjoy watching you humiliate yourself, Aus.

08.13.010

Charlie: [To Austin, appalled] I would never employ a marital device outside of the presence of my husband!

08.13.011

[Enter PAUL "PINKY" PINKMAN, a minion of PESTILENCE's. He is quite out of breath.]

Pinky: Oh, man, there you are! Is everyone okay?

08.13.012

Charlie: [To Pinky] Yes, we are, but where is Mr. Sotot and the rest of my family?

08.13.011

Austin : [To Alice] Well I had a great time, and did not find it at all humiliating. You really should stop reading those trashy teen magazines, and broaden your mind with a wider world view. [Chuckling to Charlie] Who said that you were employing the device? [Smirks] It's the first time that I have heard them called devices, [Ponders] Although in this case, 'whip' and 'drum stick' may be an appropriate.

08.13.012

Sebastian: [To Charlie] And don't forget you were itching to be in nothing but your frilly underwear before they even started playing.

08.13.013

Charlie: [To Sebastian, with a sniff] I merely offered to comfort my husband in his time of distress, as you may remember. [Smugly] And what about when you leapt up on the stage and proclaimed yourself to be The God of Love and demanded that we repent or be smitten with your Rod of Redemption?

08.13.014

Alice: [Smiles smugly at Austin] Ooooh! If you insist, Aus, but you know, I suppose you not remembering is your mind's way of protecting you!

Pinky: Everyone is back in Apraxia -- they had to move there once the party got too noisy. [Gives Clint a wink] How're you doin'? [Does a finger gun to Dur] Click-click!

08.13.015

Sebastian: [To Charlie while smirking] I can't help it that I'm more honest than usual when I'm drunk and having a good time

08.13.016

Austin : So you have been lying to us a lot?

08.13.017

Sebastian: Nope. I'm honest by nature, I'm just more honest when I'm drunk

08.13.018

Alice: [To Austin] More of his lies?

08.13.019

Charlie: [To Pinky] Did Mr. Sotot ask you to come looking for us?

08.13.019

Sebastian: [To Alice] Would you believe me if I said I always lied?

08.13.020

Alice: No.

Pinky: Yes, I've got a carriage outside.

08.13.020

Clint: And if he did, are you sure he didn't want the other Queen's View party, amusingly misnamed to cause as much confusion as possible?


;;; Ugh. Sorry about yesterday. Just kind of never woke up. It was awesome!

08.13.021

Charlie: [To Clint] Do stop teasing Pinky. [To Pinky] Wonderful, we shall go with you at once! [To the party] Come along, group!

08.13.021

Pinky: The cross dressers? [Laughs] Yeah, they're just great! But nah, he means you lot. [To Alice] I mean, you are a man, right?

Alice: [Enraged] No!

08.13.022

Harvey: [To Pinky] So, this party with Sexy Penis, was it really all that crazy?

Pinky: Colonel, Sexy Penis said that partying with you guys was the highlight of their career!

[Exit ALL, towards PINKY's carriage.]


;;; End of act, next one coming right up