[Book VIII, Act VIII, Scene I. The Mountain Top. ALICE, AUSTIN, CHARLIE, CLINT, DUR, HARVEY and SEBASTIAN are here, all unconscious, in their underwear. Beside them is what appears to be a pirate ship which is on fire.]

Alice: [Still bruised, but clearly time has passed since the last scene] What the hell? [Looks down at her underwear] Oh man! The one day I don't wear flouncy underwear!

;;; And there we will leave it until TUESDAY.


Dur: [Sits up frowning] This is not a good sign. Perhaps we all need an examination. Nurse! Fire up the probulator!


Sebastian: What the [looks around] hell is going on now? [Notices his state of undress, then the others] Awww come on!

;;; Typical, I finally get on and the day is over lol.

;;; Was Alice even in the restaurant when Harvey attacked Herbi?

;;; Kevin you had me laughing in post 45, typing the wrong name.


Austin : Tragic clothing loss aside, are you not more concerned that we are standing atop a mount beside a burning pirate ship? We were discussing the colonel's health only a moment ago, in a hotel.


Harvey: Indeed that was most bizarre, what? How did that all get sorted out? And I wonder where we are...?


Austin : [Looking Alice over] Well, sometime seems to have past. We have either been unconcious or lost our memories.

;;;; conferencing until Wed eve, so erratic posting, probably none tomorrow!


Dur: Which seems to be happening to us all to often these days!


Charlie: [Looks down at her ludicrously frilly pink underwear and gasps] It was laundry day! These were all I had. [Composes herself] Ahem. Yes, you are quite right, Dur! Excellent point.

;;; Just a reminder! Our hard-working

;;; GM is away today, but posting will

;;; be back to normal tomorrow.


Alice: [Horrified] What the hell is going on? Are there any pirates around?


Charlie: [Looks at the ship] Is THAT how we arrived? Perhaps we should see if we can find anything in the wreckage.

;;; Is there any searchable part of the ship, or

;;; is it all on fire?


Harvey: Indeed, that is a good suggestion. We should also take a look around see what else we can see here...

;;; I take it we're on an island or something?


;;; No!

[The ship is very small, and most of it is on fire, although there is a large chest just off to one side. A quick scan of the landscape shows that the sea is nowhere to be seen.]


Charlie: [Excited] Oooh, a mysterious chest! How thrilling! [Tries to open the chest]


[The chest is full to the brim of pirate clothes.]

Alice: Where are all the pirates?


Harvey: Perhaps they abandoned ship, what? [Reasonably] After all, it is on fire.


Charlie: [Eagerly pulls on some of the clothes] Quite right, Colonel, and obviously not seaworthy!


Harvey: Possibly related to the fact it's on fire, what? [Searches for something resembling an officer's uniform] . Perhaps if we can find the captain's cabain, we might find some charts and learn where we are, eh?


Alice: It's weird to see all these flouncy looking pirate outfits without a whole bunch of semen, isn't it?

Austin: [Chuckles] I think you mean "seamen", Alice.

Alice: No.

Austin: [Shivers] Ew.

[HARVEY shows that there's a huge range of pirate related clothing, from captains to hookers, but it is also insanely flouncy and jewelry laden, and is simply dripping poor taste.]

Alice: Wow! This stuff is greeaaaaarrratte! [Can barely contain herself] See what I did there? I took a normal English word and put an arr in there, I mean, in theaarrr!


Sebastian: Curious, bad taste pirate clothes, a pirate ship on fire, and no sign of any sea or ocean. I still don't get why we're in our underwear though [shrugs his shoulders and starts routing in the chest for something his size]


Alice: I'd be more worried about how this pirate ship ended up halfway up a mountain!


Charlie: [Donning a white pirate shirt with crazily billowy sleeves] Indeed! Perhaps we are in another dimension, one where the laws of gravity work differently? Oooh, let us conduct some experiments!


Alice: Really? Cool! [Picks up a rock] I bet if I throw it up in the air it'll just float off!

[ALICE throws the rock straight up. It comes straight back down again and clobbers her on the forehead.]

Alice: Ow.


Harvey: [Now clothed in a ridiculous pirate captain's uniform, with a billowing ruff and 3-pointed hat] Hmm, perhaps we should conduct our experiments in a less dangerous fashion, eh? Besides, it could be that a monstrously large wave deposited the ship here.


Last fro John #23=20

Dur: [Donning a far too revealing prostitute's outfit] Perhaps it was some form of airship...=


Alice: [Now wearing a strangely revealing ship's doctor outfit] It doesn't look like there is any damage to the surrounding area, either. If it was a wave, wouldn't that have happened?


Dur: I think it is a little premature to rule anything out, nurse. After all, moments ago we were somewhere else entirely only to awake here.=20


Sebastian: [Finds a white fluffy shirt, a blue hat with a big green feather, bright yellow fluffy pirate pants, and purple boots] I think we've been kidnapped for some kind of experiment


Charlie: [Alarmed] Who would dare?! I have exclusive publication rights for any and all findings associated with the Queens View party!


Austin: Perhaps you should furnish me with the legal documents as soon as we return to civilization? I shall sue the appropriate party forthwith on your behalf, with a minimal percentage for myself, as well as one for overheads.

Alice: [To Dur] How do you know we were somewhere else moments ago? Maybe we were here? Just unconscious!


Clint: [Puts on a pristine, if garish, pirate outfit, which is soon not pristine any more.] Yes, Bimbo, before that.


Alice: [Smugly to Dur] See, Doctor? Nurse always knows best!

[The party take a quick look around, and find the name of the pirate ship. "The Happy Pirate Costume Store".]

Alice: That's a crazy name for a ship!


Clint: I know! Who's afraid of happy pirates? Arr!


Charlie: What on earth were we doing at a costume store?! We are heroes, with no time for that sort of nonsense!


Alice: Maybe we set it on fire?


Charlie: [With a sniff] Surely I would have proposed a more efficient way to have avoiding going to such a place. [Looks around] Does anyone recognize this place?


Alice: I'm sure you would, but it would surely have been way less fun!


Charlie: Perhaps you have too limited an idea of fun! [Slips on a pair of boots] Now, let us explore the area and try to learn our location. Chop-chop!


Harvey: [Seriously confused] Hmmm, I don't remember anything about what happened after we left that restaurant. [Shocked] Did I really try to kill a waiter?


Alice: [Soothingly] Of course not! You just tried to strangle him. Remember? Just before I ousted that evil Phoebe?


Charlie: [Scolding] Indeed you did, Colonel! Your behavior was most shocking, though I must say I am relieved to hear that you now realize how uncharacteristic your behavior was! Are you feeling well? What made you behave so aggressively?!


Harvey: [To Alice, relieved] Thank you, my dear, that makes me feel much better! [To Charlie] I have no idea what made me act in such a manner - it was like I was possessed. But you'll be glad to hear that I am back to my old self and absolutely in command of the Troop, what?


Charlie: [To Harvey, sympathetically] Oh, dear! You are still a bit addled, I fear, as I am in charge of the group. [To the party] Right, now let us explore this area at once.


Alice: [Applauds happily] Yay!

;;; Dom is out today

Austin: Please spare us your petty squabbles. [Gestures to his crazy pirate get up] I need proper clothes as a matter of urgency!

[The party do a quick search around the ship, and discover nothing of any real interest. However, the ship is very small, probably no longer than twenty feet, and doesn't appear to have any sails.]


Sebastian: [Finishes putting his outfit on] Does anyone even recognise where we are? [Looks out at the landscape surrounding the mountain they are on]

;;; Only post from me today


Dur: Don't look at me. I'm a Doctor not a cartographer!


Alice: Nor someone who makes maps!


Charlie: Well, perhaps we should try to find a nearby town. Does anyone see a road or perhaps some smoke?


Harvey: Hmm, no I can't see any smoke. Perhaps we could start a fire, and we'd see the smoke from that, eh? Private Parker-Kensington, go collect some wood!


Alice: I bet you have a big piece of wood, Harvey!


Charlie: [To Alice, shocked] Alice, please! That is for the Colonel's wife to know, and possibly five or six of her closest friends.


Alice: What do you mean? I was talking about his wooden leg! Surely all pirate captains have wooden legs, don't they?


Clint: [Nods in agreement.] Well-known fact. Wooden legs, and a hook for a hand and an eye-patch. Sounds like kind of a crap job, really!


Charlie: Yes, it is a high-risk, low-reward type job, not unlike that of university professors!


Alice: Oh please! With the amount of blow jobs they get? They're the ones who should be paying the university!


Harvey: [Hastily] Not that you'd know, of course, Alice! Now, let us scout the area and see if we can spot some high ground with a good view of the surrounding landscape, what?


Charlie: Splendid idea, Colonel! Let's go, group!


Alice: True, but I was at so many parties at university, it was almost like I was enrolled there!

[The party climb further up, and can see from their position that there is almost no way that a wave washed the ship up here. After establishing that there is nothing of interest in that particular direction, and after arguing for twenty minutes about which way is north, the party climb around the the top of the hill (facing south, in the opposite direction) and can see, off in the distance, a small town. However, there is still no sign of the sea.]


Alice: True, but I was at so many parties at university, it was almost like I was enrolled there!

[The party climb further up, and can see from their position that there is almost no way that a wave washed the ship up here. After establishing that there is nothing of interest in that particular direction, and after arguing for twenty minutes about which way is north, the party climb around the the top of the hill (facing south, in the opposite direction) and can see, off in the distance, a small town. However, there is still no sign of the sea.]


Charlie: Right, I suppose we had better walk toward that little town, then! Fall in behind me, group! [Starts heading toward the town]


Clint: I wonder what they'll say when half a dozen guys dressed up as gay pirates walk into town? [Follows.]


Austin: "Oh that must be Clint."


Harvey: "...and Austin". [To Charlie] Very well, Private, you may take point.


Alice: Do you think they'll know us?


Clint: [Looks down at his poofy shirt with disgust.] Phili, I hope not!


Harvey: Indeed! It can be quite dangerous dealing with some of the people we know, what? [Muses] Though I do wonder if they'll be able to tell us anything about how we arrived...


Alice: Look! [Bends down to pick up a leaflet that was on the ground] It's a flyer for that non-Sexy Penis band! Remember? Penny and Isobel?


Charlie: Marvelous! We must be in our dimension, at least. That's a relief, though it is most unsettling, waking up with no memory of the night before, wearing nothing but one's underwear. [To Alice, earnestly] However do you cope with it?!


Alice: Oh please! I almost never wake up in a strange location with no memory and find myself wearing THAT many clothes!


Sebastian: [To Alice] Well almost never is better than never at all [laughs, starting to limp slightly as the team manouvered the terrain and Charlie led them towards the town]


Charlie: [To Sebastian, noting the limp] Did you injure your leg?


Sebastian: Hurt my leg? [Looks at her confused, then realises he is limping and laughs] Oh that, no I didn't. I've got weak ankles, guess they just haven't started acting up since I met you guys a few days ago until just now.

;;; Actually that's a point, how many days have passed in Queens View

since Sebastian joined the group?


Harvey: Well, you must keep up. We have a long way to go, what? [Continues to march towards the town, a short distance away]


;;; Probably a week that he remembers, although how much time has

;;; passed since the last act? No one knows!

Alice: Wow! That is a long way.

[Within two minutes, the party arrive at the town.]

;;; End of scene, next one coming right up!


[Book VIII, Act VIII, Scene II. A Town Called Horse. ALICE, AUSTIN, CHARLIE, CLINT, DUR, HARVEY and SEBASTIAN are here, passing the "Welcome to Horse". It is little more than a village with a smattering of shops and houses. The party are immediately set upon by BARKY, an irritatingly yappy dog.]

Alice: Hey! Is that dog wearing my shirt?

[This does appear to be the case.]


Charlie: [Wrinkles her nose] Who would dress their pet in such revealing clothes? How tasteless!


Austin : Indeed, it looks uncomfortably small for that creature.


Alice: Hey! It's got my skirt too! [Horrified] And that better not be my "Extra Slutty" red lipstick!

Barky: Bark! Bark!


Austin : No I think that might be "Scarlet Harlot", [Ponders] Maybe not. You are probably correct.


Sebastian: Wow, I wouldn't have thought you to be an expert on lipstick shades Austin


Alice: Forget that! How did that bitch get all my stuff?


Charlie: Now, let's not rush to judgement. It could be a cross-dressing male, rather than a bitch.


Alice: Eek! That's even worse!


Harvey: Now, my dear, don't be predudiced, what? After all, Private Sleaze isn't *that* bad, eh?

;;; Sorry! Couldn't help myself :)


Austin : [To Harvey] They are talking about the dog, colonel. Can you hear me? [Loudly] The dog, colonel! They are talking about the dog! [Waves his hand infront for the colonels face] Hello? Anyone home?


Harvey: Eh, what's that? [Quietly, to Charlie] I'm a little concerned about Private Sleaze. He mentioned something about talking to the dog. [Cheerily, to Austin] Never fear, Private! We'll soon have you back on the mend, eh?!? [To no one in particular] No, where the devil are we?


Alice: Horse!


Charlie: Indeed! So, why don't we try speaking to some of the locals, and see if we can determine how we arrived to such a peculiar place? [Scans the town] Perhaps the local general store?


Dur: Perhaps the dog knows?


Sebastian: [Lowers himself to the dogs level and speaks to it] We are lost and don't know where we are. Can you take us to someone who can help us?


[BARKY urinates on a fire hydrant.]

Alice: If he knows, he's not telling. Oh, and I think we can be sure that it's a boy dog. Now, where on earth can we find the general store? [Looks at a nearby shop, called G N R L ST R] Maybe these guys might know?


Charlie: Splendid idea! [Strides toward the GNRL STR and tries to open the door]


[CHARLIE opens the door to reveal TONY BLAND, a bland looking individual wearing a beautiful looking Hugio Choss suit.]

Tony: Hi there, strangerers!


Clint: Yo! [Pauses.] Uh... nice dog?


Tony: [Checking out his reflection in the mirror] Oh, he's been unbearable since he got his new dress.


Harvey: [Understanding] Hmm, yes, I would be too.


Austin : [Battling a scream. To Tony] You are wearing my suit! Where did you get it from? [Agast] That's my shirt too!


Tony: [To Harvey] Yeah, it is understandable. [To Austin] No it's not. It's mine. What kind of weirdo do you think I am? Do you think I'm the kind of person who would trick a bunch of drunken oafs into swapping their clothes for directions to a costume store halfway up a mountain?


Austin : [Through gritted teeth] Yes I do! Give me my suit back right this very moment!


Charlie: You've seen us before?!


Tony: Uh, no. [To Austin] Hey, it's my suit. [Shows it off, and how it is a good three inches too short] See? Perfectly tailored for me!


Austin : [To Tony, furious] Retun my clothes and possesion right now or there shall be more trouble than you can imagine!

;;;; awa hame!


Tony: Whatcha gonna do? Sue me? Round up all the people in the village who have new clothes and accuse them of stealing your things too?


Clint: Uh... yeah?


Harvey: [Nods] Sounds like a plan to me, what?


Tony: Hm. Well, that's not great.


Sebastian: [To Austin] Hey Sleaze, want me to singe his eyebrows if he doesn't hand our clothes back over? [Starts to flex his fingers]


Charlie: [To Sebastian] Now, let's not be hasty! [To Tony] How did we happen to arrive in your quaint little village?


Tony: Yeah, let's not be hasty! It's not like you need to threaten to damage my grandpa's old clock that means the world to me. [Gives a furtive yet obvious glance at a hideous looking cuckoo behind the party, before continuing to Charlie] You got here on a carriage, demanding horse penis breakfast baps.


Harvey: [Beams with fond memories] Ah the good old horse penis patties, eh? Excellent food for the trail! [To the Party] And I'm sure the time the entire 4th Infantry Division caught food poisoning was absolutely nothing to do with the fact they were eating horse penis patties, what?!?


Charlie: Do be serious! The only penis I've had in my mouth is--er, what direction did we travel from, did you happen to notice?


Tony: [Mysteriously] Maybe I did and maybe I didn't.


Austin : [Sharply to Tony] Give me my clothes back or the clock is firewood!


Tony: [Visibly sweating] What clock?

[The clock strikes 12, and a cuckoo pops out.]

Cuckoo: Cuckoo! Cuckoo!

Tony: No Dave! Stay out of sight!


Sebastian: [Flexes his fingers again] Do I get the toast the clock since I can't do his eyebrows then? [Smirks at Tony] Or shall we just take off his socks and shoes and tickle his feet with the feather in my hat?


Charlie: [To Tony, impatiently] Oh, will you just return his clothes? Otherwise, he will sulk all day! =20=


Dave: Cuckoo! Cuckoo!

Tony: No, Dave! No!

Alice: [Grabs Dave the cuckoo] Gotcha!


Charlie: [To Tony] You drove us to this! Now, from what direction did we approach?

Tony: [Hangs his head in sorrow as he takes off his trousers] From the east.

Alice: [Looks horrified] Where are your underpants?

Tony: Jim got those.


Austin : [Takes the trousers. To Tony] And the rest [gestures to the jacket and shirt] Who took my shoes?


Dur: [Raises an eyebrow] Are you sure you want those back Austin? After this man has been in them presumably all day while 'unsheathed' so to speak?=


Tony: Hey! I did hardly any jogging in them! [To Austin] They were so small and dainty we gave them to a little girl.


Charlie: [Shudders at Dur's words] Quite! [To Tony] Remind me, what large cities are located east of here?=


Austin : [Putting his trousers on. To Tony] Shirt and jacket too, or the cuckoo gets it.


Tony: Don't hurt him! [Takes off his sweaty shirt]

Alice: [Sniggering at Tony] Idiot. [Dave escapes from her hand and pops back into the clock] Hey!

Dave: Cuckoo! Cuckoo! [Pecks Alice on the head] Ow!

Tony: [To Charlie] Apraxia is the nearest place, but they're all snobs there.


Harvey: Right, off to Apraxia then!


Charlie: Just because one does not enjoy the company of sheep and the uneducated does not make one a snob!=


Sebastian: What about the rest of our clothes? And our belongings? W're not just going to bugger off to Apraxia without them are we?

;;; Has Sebastian been to Apraxia with the party already? The name

sounds familiar


Tony: Hey! There's nothing wrong with uneducated sheep! You know, they do all sorts of things that the ones with fancy book learnin' would look down on.

;;; Yes, that's where Charlie's house is, where the party were prior to

;;; the last act.


Austin : [Takes his shirt and jacket] We should go to Apraxia promptly. I have dire need of the services of a dry cleaner.


Tony: And the sheep sure do like that suit, my friend!


Dur: Ba-a-a-a-a! [Coughs] Excuse me. Why are we going back to Apraxia again, when we were seemingly traveling away from there to begin with?=


Charlie: Well, given that we have no idea how we got here, perhaps we would do well to go somewhere familiar!=


Dur: Oh! I get it. You want to go where your husband is. Sheesh Charlie, can't you keep it in your pants until we figure out what's going on here! May= be we were coming this way for something important and can't afford to waste our time back tracking!=


Alice: Hey! Maybe we should go to Idioza! [To Tony] That's where my fiance hangs out.

Tony: Is he a sheep?

Alice: No!

Tony: [Shrugs] Then why should I care?


Sebastian: It's all fine and well having some sort of mission we can't afford to waste time over, but it doesn't help we can't remember it. We need to retrace our steps, find out what we were actually doind to end up here. Tony did say we were drunk when we got here after all.


Charlie : [Defensively] There are a good many non-sexual reasons I should like to go to Apraxia. For instance, Will's Mat Vitzbah, which is coming up in= -- [To Tony] er, what is the date today?


Alice: [Nods at Sebastian] Yeah! Let's get drunk!

Tony: It's February 20th.

;;; That's a week after the party's last memory...

;;; Gone for the weekend!


Dur: Did we mention where we were going?


Clint: Or what we were going to do when we got there?


Harvey: Well, clearly, Private Scar, we were going to give the blighters a jolly good thrashing, what?!? [Looks confused as he tries to remember who the 'blighters' are]


Austin : I suspect we merely attended the Sexy Penis gig, including the mandatory after party, and that is how we ended up here.

;;;;; out for most of the day! Sorry!


Sebastian: To be honest, I'm actually inclined to agree with Sleaze


Harvey: [Nods thoughtfully] Indeed, Private Sleaze may be right. However, I would like to learn more of our exploits at this (ahem) party. After all, I did try to kill - sorry, strangle - a man, what? And I do feel quite different now, so I wonder what precipitated the change, eh?


Tony: You told me that you were on the way to the costume shop to hire some pirate gear, as you'd lost all your clothes.

Alice: What Sexy Penis gig?


Charlie: [Wails] It can't be the 20th! Will's Mat Vitzbah was on the 18th! Hurry, we must get to Bodenringham Manor at once. Pestilence must be going mad with worry, and poor will must be heart-broken!


Alice: Forget that! Did we miss a Sexy Penis gig?

;;; Well?? Did we???


Charlie: [To Alice] Do be serious! Remember, we saw those wretched girls, with the misleading name, not the real Sexy Penis! Thankfully, I do not recall having heard them perform, though. Now, we really must be going. Let us find a carriage!


Alice: But it's not misleading any more! Remember? I put a new name on their flyer for them. I bet they're very relieved now not to have such an embarrassing name.


Sebastian: Maybe we did listen to them, and it was so soul scarring we drank ourselves in to a week long episode of amnesia?


Clint: As long as we had a good time doing it!

;;; So I've been fighting a truly ridiculous case of insomnia all night.

;;; Will get back to that battle in a bit... but understandably, I hope,

;;; I expect my posting will be pretty limited today!


Charlie: [To Sebastian] I should very much doubt that. I never drink to the point of intoxication! [To Alice] Wait, where is that flyer you found?


Alice: Here we go! [Shows the flyer]

[The flyer has the new band name written across it in big, friendly white letters: "CUMSTAIN", with a nauseatingly perky and wholesome picture of Penny and Isobel beneath it.]

Alice: See? I took the first few letters from Penny's name -- Stainer -- and the first few from Isobel's name -- Cumberland, and made a cool new name for them. Isn't it great? They must have been so delighted when they saw it that they threw us an enormous party!

Austin: [Studies the flyer and reads from it] "Where once there was a Sexy Penis, there's now a Cum Stain"? Hm. I think that rather than "an enormous party", you probably mean "off a very high cliff", Alice.

Alice: [Shocked] Well, if you're going to pronounce it like THAT, then sure, it sounds weird.


Harvey: [Nods] And perhaps, as we were thrown off a cliff, we landed on our heads producing the memory loss, what? [To Alice, consoling] We understand, as innocent of the world as you are, you weren't to know that the name could be misinterpreted, eh?


Tony: Ah! That could explain why [nods to Harvey] you had to get that Cum Stain off your back, I suppose!


Charlie: [To Tony, horrified] What on earth do you mean?!


Tony: He had a big Cum Stain down his back, down between his ass cheeks. Must've been pretty painful!


Harvey: Gah! I assure you I did not! Perhaps you are confused and are thinking of Private Sleaze or Private Parker-Kensington, what?


Charlie: [Glares at Harvey] I should think not! [To Tony] Could you describe this so-called [primly] stain in a bit more detail?


Alice: [Offended] Hey! Or me!


Tony: It wasn't a stain, it was a tattoo!


Charlie: [Stifles a laugh] Colonel, show us your back!


Harvey: By the saints, I will not! [To Tony] I demand you cease this defamation at once! [To Austin] Private Sleaze, you must sue this man for his slanderous accusations!


Austin: [Enjoying Harvey's discomfort] For it to be slanderous, Colonel, it has to be untrue. Can you be sure that you do not have such a tattoo? [Looks around the party] Did anyone examine Harvey's back when he was naked?

Tony: I did!


Charlie: [To Tony] How dare you invade his privacy in such a way! [Delighted] Now, describe the tattoo, in as much detail as possible!


Sebastian: No I didn't see his back, but I guessed it was a tattoo he was on about. We are no so fortunate as to be blessed with the chance to make fn of Harvey for something so terrible as anything other than a tattoo [Chuckles wickedly] Now Colonel, remove your top and prove it untrue, prove that he speaks slanderously of you!


Charlie: [Nods enthusiastically] Indeed, Colonel! Prove him wrong, so that he will leave us in peace.


Dur: We just got clothes back on him, are we sure we want him to start taking them off again so soon?=


Harvey: [Nods] Indeed! Besides, it is improper for a commander to be so unclothed in front of his troops, what? I should only disrobe before a competent medical professional, which we lack at the present time.


Dur: [Crosses his arms] I've changed my mind, Colonel. Perhaps it is best that you submit to the will of the 'troop'.=


Sebastian: Nonsense Colonel, Dur is more than competent at being a medical profesional. He even has Alice as his nurse. How much more professional can you get than having your own personal nurse to travel with you?

;;; cackles all evil like


Harvey: Gah! Mutiny! Dissention in the ranks! I should have you all court marshalled!

;;; Heh, sorry Kevin - it had to be done! :)


Dur: Perhaps you should just lead by example, Colonel. If you revel you have nothing to hide, then this 'mutiny' will be quelled!

::: Ha. It's no problem. Dur is used to it. *sigh*


Harvey: Very well. [Gives the Troop his most withering glare, which makes him look like he has something in is eye] But, mark my words, you have not heard the last of this, by the saints! [Takes off his pirate coat, then turns round and lifts the back of his shirt]


Alice: Cool! I'll give him a sponge bath! [Thinks for a moment] Er, that is...

[HARVEY bares his back, and the party can see that there is no sign of any tattoo.]

Tony: See?


Sebastian: Maybe it was just a henna tattoo and washed off?

;;; assuming they have henna tattoo's in the Queens View universe


Austin : No. [To Harvey] Colonel, now we have adequate grounds to sue for slander. Shall I begin preparing your case? For a small fee, naturally.


;;; Yes they do!

Tony: Not a chance, none of them were!


Charlie: [Puzzled] What do you mean, NONE of them?!


Austin : Well it could have been the real thing?


Harvey: [To Tony] Now, see here! Just what game do you think you're playing, eh?


Tony: I call this one "standing in front of a group of strangers naked". It's the one I usually play before playing "Defecating into a dangerously overfull bucket in front of a group of strangers."

Alice: So Harvey wasn't the only one who had a tattoo?

Tony: Which one is Harvey?

Alice: [Points him out] Him!

Tony: No. You all did.


Dur: Were they all the same tattoo?


Sebastian: I was just wondering that exact same thing Doctor.


Tony: Wasn't anyone wondering what happens after playing the defecation game?

All: No!

Tony: Yeesh! Okay, okay! [To Sebastian] Nope, everyone had different ones.


Charlie: [Crossing her arms] I can assure you, I would never have consented to be tattooed.


Tony: What if Pestilence told you to? After all, you are his [finger quotes] property!


Harvey: And what of the rest of us, eh? [To the Party] Troop, I suggest that this man has taken leave of his senses and we never had any tattoos at all.


Sebastian: Does that mean we can all sue him for slander? And Sleaze can represent us all, including himself! Huzzaaargh! [Fist pumps the air while making the last part sound as pirate like as he can]


Charlie: [Shocked] But I would never subjugate myself to a man, except in the course of marital roleplaying, etc.


Tony: Good to hear. [Gives the party a sly smile] Which ones are Clint and Austin?


Charlie: [Points to Clint and Austin] They are! [Warily] Why do you ask?


Tony: CS and AS?


Sebastian: Yup, Clint Scar and Austin Sleaze. Why do you ask?


Tony: [Literally dancing on the spot with girlish glee] Ohmygod! Ohmygod! Ohmygod! I would never have guessed! That's just so totally rare!


Sebastian: What is so rare exactly? [Looks totally bewildered]


Tony: [Puts his arm around Sebastian and looks off into the distance] The love between two men, the unabashed, unashamed, unselfconscious, tattooed-on-their-asses forever love that would help society to understand that a man and a table really can be in love.

Alice: Er, Seb, you do know that the guy is still naked, right?


Harvey: And still insane!


Austin : [Shocked] Nonsense! [Drops his pantaloons and checks his behind for tattoos]


[Clean as a whistle and twice as hairless.]

Alice: [To Tony] Are you just making this stuff up?

Tony: If I was, how would I know that [points at Sebastian] he has a thing for Care Bares? Why else would he have ten of them tattooed across his chest?


Austin : [Pulling up his pantalons] No, I did not think so. [To the party] He may be a compulsive liar, we should be most wary of any imformation he gives us.


Charlie: [To Sebastian] Have you a [finger quotes] thing for Care Bares?! [To Austin and Clint, equally amused and stunned] And are you two . . . in love?!


Sebastian: I most certainly do not! [Adamantly, then asks to the party] Do I? [Undoes his shirt to see if there are Care Bear tattoos]


Clint: [Growling.] Chuck, don't make me rethink my "no punching broads in the face" policy...


Austin : [To Clint] He is a man, Mr Scar. Surely you did not mistake him for female? Or have you extended your repertoire beyond sheep these days.


Harvey: Surely no-one could ever mistake Private Parker-Kensington for a woman, what? A man's man, so to speak!


Charlie: [Raising an eyebrow] Do suggest that to my husband sometime, Colonel. I should be very interested to hear his response!


Harvey: You are right - you have my most sincere apologies and I stand corrected, what? You are absolutely a *demon's* man. Now that that's sorted, let us proceed with the mission. [Blinks] What was that again?


Charlie: [Authoritatively] We are going to Bodenringham Manor. Now, let us find a carriage at once! [To Tony] Where is the carriage we arrived in?


Alice: Maybe Clint mistook Austin for a woman and that's why they were so in love? Come on guys, don't shy away from it, it could be beautiful!

;;; Sorry Kev, I need to control Dur for a moment!

Dur: The mission, Colonel, is to find out about these tattoos. [To Tony] Did I have one?

Tony: Yep, I'm not sure, but I think it might have been a kidney.

Dur: A kidney? That seems highly unlikely. Could it have been a spleen?

Tony: Uh, I guess so.

Dur: Hm, it does seem like the kind of tattoo I'd get.


Tony: You traded with Dr. Stein.


Charlie: Well, then, where is the carriage we acquired from Dr. Stein?


Austin : I think he means that we traded our carriage for something else. [To Tony] Do you know what was traded for what, where, and by whom?


Tony: He's right -- you gave your carriage to Dr. Stein. He had one of his staff remove your tattoos. [To Austin] You traded your clothes for a bottle of champagne, and the rest of you traded yours for party items, like steaks, expensive wine and the like. Oh, and in one case, a piece of second hand bubble gum.

Alice: [Blowing a bubble] Heh! What idiot did that? [Pop! The bubble bursts] Hey look, there's something written on the back of Austin's jacket!

[This is true. It says "Narcisiculus."]


Sebastian: Perhaps we should go see this Dr Stein then troop? [To Tony] And you! You could have mentioned earlier before we started looking at each other that we'd already paid someone to remove the tattoo's!


Tony: Yes, I could.

[There is a screech of carriage tyres outside, and the doors swing open. Enter DR. GEORGE "JD" DORIAN, a doctor covered in blood.]

JD: Hi guys! Feeling better?


Charlie: [Looks the doctor up and down] Slightly worse, in fact! Did you remove some tattoos for us yesterday?


JD: Sure did, Prop.


Charlie: My name is not [finger quotes] Prop! It is Dr. Charlotte Parker-Kensington, but you may call me Dr. Parker-Kensington. Now, may we have our carriage back?


JD: No.

;;; Yay! Shortest QV post ever!!


Charlie: Could we perhaps barter for it? We really must get to Apraxia as soon as possible.


JD: Hm, interesting, what've you got?

;;; Out for about and hour


Clint: Some slightly used bubble gum?


Sebastian: Some rather tasteful pirate costumes?

;;; out for an hour


Austin : Before we barter anything we should really check the merchandise. It could have deteriorated considerably since last we saw it. [Casually checks his nails]


Last from Dom 133

Alice: Plus, it would give us a chance to just grab our stuff and leg it thehell out of here. [Spots JD's incredulous look] Er, I mean, to give us a ch= ance to count up the 500gp we want to give him.=20

JD: Wow! 500gp? Really?


Harvey: Erm, I think she meant 5.00GP, what?


Sebastian: Oh no Harv, she meant 500GP.


Clint: But we'll throw in the previously used bubble gum for free!


Charlie: [To JD] What do you say? Have we struck a bargain? [Offers her hand]


Alice: Hey! That bubblegum is mine, mine I tell you, all mine!

JD: Go on, throw in the bubblegum and it's a deal.


Harvey: [Consoling] Never mind, my dear, we shall find you some gobstoppers when we reach Apraxia, eh?


Alice: But this one tasted like chicken!

Tony: That's because I had chicken for dinner yesterday.

Alice: [Hands the bubblegum to Harvey] Here, you can have it.

JD: Alright! I'll be back in a few minutes!


Sebastian: [To the party once JD is gone] So who has 500 GP?


Charlie: [To Sebastian] I'm afraid the plan is to steal to the carriage at first opportunity. [Sighs] It is so much easier to be morally upright when one has a bit of pocket change!


Clint: At least this time we're not stealing a bus from an orphanage or something like that...


[Enter JD.]

JD: Right! I've got all your stuff outside in the carriage and put some petrol in the horses. The kids at the orphanage were a bit unhappy about losing their carriage, but, oh well.


Harvey: They'll just have to walk - the excercise will do them good! [To the Party] We should inspect the carriage, take it for a test drive to make sure all is in order, waht? [Taps his nose and winks conspiratorially at the party]


Austin : I do hope the dry cleaner is open when we get there. [Frowns at the 'Narcicilius' written on his jacket]


Charlie: [To Harvey] Very wise, Colonel! Come, group, let us take it for a spin around the block. [Tries to enter the carriage]


[The carriage is open, and it appears as though all the equipment is there.]

;;; Drew is out today

Sebastian: Great idea, Charlie! [Leaps in] Hm, suspension seems a little soft.


Charlie: [Hops in the driver's seat] Oh, dear, I see what you mean--most alarming! [To the rest of the party] Do join us and see what you think!


[Everybody but ALICE leaps into the carriage.]


Charlie: [To Alice, coaxingly] Alice, dear, do join us! The sooner we assess the soundness of this carriage, the sooner you can reunite with your [tries unsuccessfully to repress a cringe] beloved Deuce.


Austin : [To Alice] Is there a problem? You really should try before you buy! [Relaxes back in his seat] Ahhh, this is almost as comfortable as it used to be!


JD: So, uh, what's going on? How come you all need to try it out?

Alice: My colleague's writing out an Experican Amess travellers cheque to cover the exorbitant cost of getting our carriage back.

JD: Well, I sure would appreciate it.

Alice: I'd better check up, see show he's doing, see I have to sign it too, as do the rest of the party. I usually sit in the carriage and write it out on the glove compartment lid. Okay? [Walks to the carriage feeling her pockets] Need a Pencil! [Sits in] Drive! Drive like the wind! I mean, like the wind!


Charlie: Let's go! [Starts the carriage and tries to drive off]


[The carriage zooms off into the distance, just as the "Good Ole Boys" band arrive.]

JD: [To the Good Ole Boys] Are you guys with the union?

;;; End of scene


[Book VIII, Act VIII, Scene III. The Carriage. ALICE, AUSTIN, CHARLIE, CLINT, DUR, HARVEY and SEBASTIAN are here, driving at speed.]

Alice: Oh man! That was the greatest hustle in history! Look! [Chews loudly] I've still got my bubblegum!

Sebastian: I thought you gave it to Harvey?

;;; This is true -- 08.02.140

Alice: Oh, that's right. [Stops chewing] What a gyp!

;;; Out for 1.5 hours


Harvey: [Stops chewing] Why, would you like it back, my dear?


Alice: Of course I would! How else am I going to get it stuck in my hair?


Charlie: [All business] Right, now we need to find some wonderful presents for Wilhelmina, to show her how much we care and didn't forget her Mat Vitzbah. [Inspired] I shall get her a microscope-- [dreamily] oh, how well I remember my first!


Dur: [Forgetfully] Her what?


Austin : You could paint her an explanatory picture, or embroider a tapestry of scenes entitled " Mummy went to a party and got blind drunk and woke up several days later, naked and lost, but didn't forget her darling daughter's Mat Vitzbah". [Ponders] Or perhaps an oil painting. The colours and textures are so rich.


Charlie: [Scowls at Austin grouchily. To Dur] It's a coming-of-age ceremony of sorts. Terribly important to Pestilence, as it is part of his heritage. [Proudly] He's been planning it for ages. He's such a wonderful father!


Alice: Does part of the Matt Hatvisa involve getting naked and lost halfway up a mountain?


Charlie: [Primly] Goodness, no. That would not be at all appropriate for a children's party.


Alice: How about for a demon's party?


Charlie: [Firmly] Pestilence couldn't possibly be behind this. He would never leave me so exposed!


Alice: How about for a scientist's party? Deuce told me that they can get pretty wild. You know, white boards, jackets with leather pads on the sleeves, nerdy glasses, pocket protectors, boring books, cocaine, hookers, reading, equations, that kind of thing.


Charlie: [Giggles] Oh, you're SO right! There is nothing more thrilling than a long night of hard science! [Fans herself girlishly]


Alice: Ew! Those geeks make me sick! [Digs out her clothes] Hey! There's something written on my back too! [Holds it up for the party to see, "Scortori"] What the hell could that mean?


Austin : [Lighting a cigarette, and casually blowing some smoke rings, pauses] It means prostitute.


Alice: What? How do you know that?

;;; And the answer can't be Google!


Dur: I wonder if we all have something written on the backs of our old clothes?

;;; Is it latin? Don't the courts use a lot of Latin terms for things?=20


Harvey: And are they all untrue?


Austin : [Pauses. To Alice] It is latin. Probably also the root of the word 'escort'. Someone wrote on the back of my jacket too, remember [Shows Alice the back of his jacket]


;;; It's based on Latin, but there ain't no Latin in Queens View!

Alice: I don't even know if that's what it means!


Austin : Indeed, it could have a plethora of interpretations.


Charlie: Except that it is the name of a demon, I believe. [Doing her best to assume a lecturing stance while still driving] The Scortori is a six-horned demon obsessed with deflowering virgins and draining them of blood at the moment of climax--his, not theirs, one assumes!


Austin : Why would you presume that? From the amount you enthusiastically rant about your sex life with a demon one would assume that you have had at least one orgasm during the process.

;;; awa hame!


Harvey: Hmmm, an acquaintance of Pestilence, perhaps? [Checks his own clothing]


Charlie: [To Harvey] He would never associate with such a creature! [To Austin] And he has never raped a virgin! [Weakly] Though, yes, he has killed more than a few of them.


Alice: What else have people got?

Sebastian: [Holds up his jacket] Brevilis. Anyone heard of that?


Charlie: [Disappointed] No! Is there anything on my jacket?


Harvey: I once had a coffee maker with Brevilis written on the side. I lost it at the Battle Of Senility, I believe. We were charging at the enemy and the damn fool who was working it tripped and dropped my beloved coffee maker, smashing it to pieces. I'd have had him court marshalled and executed, but he'd also smashed open his skull on the coffee pot. Ha! Talk about poetic justice, what!?!?

;;; Does Harvey's clothing have anything written on it?


[Everyone has something on the back of their jacket. HARVEY has "Esurion", CHARLIE has "Visculus", DUR has "Vulgivagus" and CLINT has "Immundatus".]

Alice: What the hell could these mean?


Charlie: It's as if someone labeled us with cruel nicknames, like those horrid girls in the Xi Eta Pi sorority! Alice has been dubbed a demon rapist, and Harvey a brand of coffee pot?! What peculiar taunts!


Alice: It's Sebastian that's the coffee pot!

;;; There's a new address for Tom on the list, please

;;; make sure that's on all messages from now on


Charlie: [Defensively] Given that I am also driving, I barely have the opportunity to jot down notes, let alone cross-reference them! Now, have any of the rest of you heard of any of the other names?


Harvey: [Regards Sebastien speculatively] Dur, we may need your expertise here - we need to determine where the filters go if our new coffee pot is to be of any use, what?


;;; Drew's not about?

Sebastian: I think I recognize Vulgivagus, that's another demon. [Laughs] Almost as unpleasant as Alice's one. This guy can move through walls, and often does so at night [waves his hands around mysteriously] to murder children in their sleep. I always figured it was just a way of scaring kids!


Charlie: [To Sebastian, dismayed] But I've never heard of him before! [To Alice, urgently] Oh, do take the wheel. I really must get a closer look at these names. Surely I can identify more of them, given that I am a budding demonologist!


Alice: [Still sitting in the passenger seat] Cool! [Reaches over and takes the wheel, causing the carriage to lurch about sickeningly as she does]


Sebastian: Oh, and Harvey, nothing, filters and all, will be getting inserted in to me thank you very much!

;;; They all sounds like spell names from Harry Potter I think


Alice: Oo-er! I bet that's what Clint said to Austin last night!


Harvey: And what about Esurion - is that the name of another demon?


Alice: [Enjoying Charlie's frustration] If only we had a demonology expert here!


Charlie: [Wails] But I AM a demonologist! [Flips through her notepad furiously while Alice has the wheel] Esurion! I must know that name.


Sebastian: She isn't saying you aren't one Charlie, she's just saying you aren't an expert of a one. [To Alice] Watch out for the bumps


Dur: Perhaps Charlies Man-Demon will have some useful information about these names.=


Charlie: [A tiny bit sullenly] Yes, but I want to be the one with the useful information!


Alice: [Swerving to hit the bump pointed out by Dur] Aw, cheer up, Charlie! You'll be the one to tell us how to get to Pestilence!


Dur: [Pats Charlies head] There, there!


Charlie: [Resolutely] I shall simply have to redouble my efforts to master demonology, that's all. When any hack knows more about demons than I do-- [to Sebastian, suddenly] wait, how DID you know about Vulgivagus, anyway?


;;; Drew is out?

Sebastian: [Chuckles] Oh, just something I came across in my magic studies. I thought everyone knew who Vulgivagus was.

Alice: [Struggling to keep the carriage under control] I certainly did!


Dur: Eyes on the road, nurse!

;;; Do we all know who one of the demons are?


Clint: I hate to say this, Sarge, but this sounds more and more like something went weird at your kid's party! Maybe it's an old demon tradition or something?

;;; Okay, hopefully this is better. Presuming this sends, it looks like

;;; webmail and the smtp server are back up, and we can take the new address

;;; back off the list, as I have done here!


Sebastian: Actually, Clint has a valid point there. Maybe we were supposed to be acting the parts of certain demons as part of Will's right of passage rather than Pesty getting the real ones involved? Maybe that's why we have the names on our clothes so none of us forgot who the other was meant to be? Still doesn't explain why we all had tattoo's and ended up all the way out here.


;;; Not unless you've been specifically told -- it's

;;; just Alice messing with Charlie!

Alice: [Looks back at Dur] Keep my eyes on the what? Speak up, will you! [To Clint] Oh please, Clint. If we were invited, it's a pretty safe bet that a lot of somethings went weird!

;;; Just let us know when to do it!


Harvey: [Urgently] The road, my dear, keep your eyes on the road! [Moves to take the wheel] Here, perhaps you'd best let me drive, eh?


Clint: Sure it explains why we had tattoos and ended up in the middle of nowhere... it was a *good* party! [Glances at Charlie.] Pestilence probably planned it.

;;; Guessing now is fine. =)


Alice: [Irritably to Harvey] I'm doing fine!

[There's a terrific squealing sound as the carriage rolls over some unidentified animal.]

Alice: Oh, he'll be fine! Three legs is still one more than we have, anyway!

;;; Done!


Charlie: [To Clint] Well, of course HE planned the party! He knew when he married me I would never be one of those [elaborate finger quotes] stay-at-home types!


Clint: Especially not if you're going to keep on waking up in strange towns with strange tattoos and strange clothes and no memory of the last week!


Charlie: [Dismissively] Like that's never happened to him before!


Alice: To Pestilence? Huh. Interesting.

;;; End of scene! Next one coming up, but first, a super

;;; important mail!


[Book VIII, Act VIII, Scene IV. The Carriage. ALICE, AUSTIN, CHARLIE, CLINT, DUR, HARVEY and SEBASTIAN are here, driving from Idioza to Apraxia. This scene takes place shortly after the end of the last act, and ALICE is explaining away her actions with PHOEBE.]

Alice: Look, I don't know what you're getting all bent out of shape about, I knew there was something weird about her, so I went to investigate!

;;; Please make sure you have read the non-game mail I sent out just

prior to this


Charlie: Well, it just seems a BIT odd that you didn't alert us first. [To the party] Isn't that right, group?


Dur: A professional nurse shouldn't go anywhere without her Doctor! Were you mad?


Clint: Are you kidding? This is Alice we're talking about. It probably slipped her mind.


Alice: Yeah, thanks Clint. [Defensively to Dur] I wasn't mad, just stupid. [Thinks for a moment] Hey! [Aggressively to Clint] Are you calling me an idiot?


Dur: [Crosses his arms] I just think there are a few people in this group who have begun to act very uncharacteristicly! [Makes the 'I'm watching you'= gesture at both Harvey and Alice] Honestly, all of you could do with a preventative physcial examination!=


Alice: Okay, I'll bite. How do you prevent a physical examination?


Clint: [To Alice.] No, I'm trying to save you from a physical!


Harvey: [Nods at Clint's words] Quite right. [To Alice] I'm sure Phoebe deserved whatever punishment you gave her, what?


Sebastian: Dur's right, both of you haven't acted yourselves recently, at least not the way you were when I joined this group about a week ago. Harvey, I've never seen you so uncontrolled and with out self discipline, which you have to admit is unbecoming behaviour for a Colonel. Though Alice, you are predictabley unpreditable in your actions so I'm not surprised you went lone ranger about Phoebe.


Alice: It wasn't punishment, it was self defence! [Looks at Sebastian] Uh, thanks, I think. You're right though, Harvey, you were a little weird with that waiter.


Dur: It was needlessly risky and dangerous is what it was! Not to mention alittle pathetic what with the whole desperate love song routine, but that'= s besides the point!


Harvey: [Grumpily] Nonesense, I, um-- I just thought the fellow could use a lesson, that is all. [Folds his arms sulkily]


Charlie: [To Harvey] Well, I do hope you try to control yourself in front of Pestilence. I've told him to look to the group as an example of how to behave!


Alice: It wasn't pathetic, it was catchy! [Folds her arms sulkily] And endearing! Deucie said it was hardly weird at all!

;;; Here comes Easter! No posting until TUESDAY.


Harvey: [Defending Alice] Indeed! It's not her fault it sounded like a banshee being forcefed a cat!

;;; Have a good Easter everyone


Sebastian: [To Alice] You are very welcome dear, and yes, it was meant as a compliment [pauses then sounds uncertain] I think.

;;; Happy Easter to all, or Happy Rampant Rabbit day if you know your

history! :P


Austin : Well, look on the bright side. No more Phoebe. That has to be a bonus, the woman was insuffarable.

;;; wow, you guys have been seriously busy!

;;;; happy chocolate day!


Charlie: [Trying not to smile too evilly] Yes, no more Phoebe!

;;; Aaaand a Happy Easter to all!


Clint: Yeah, we're better off without the skinny bint!

;;; Well, if you all insist, happy Easter to you, too!


Alice: Well, I had no problem with Phoebe, of course, I was just concerned about her general evilness.


Charlie: [Delicately] Yes, well, I do think perhaps it is time for you to reconsider your [hesitates to find the word] relationship, let's say, with Deuce. From an outside perspective, it seems he might not have the same goal in the [finger quotes] relationship as you. Do you see what I mean?


Harvey: But of course, it's entirely your decision and we'll support you in whatever you decide, [Pointedly] won't we, Private Parker-Kensington?


Charlie: [Supportively] Oh, of course. But, to be fair, if only ONE person in a [finger quotes] relationship thinks there IS a relationship, then is there actually a relationship? [Pragmatically] Studies suggest not.


Austin : [Examining his nails] Did the studies bother to determine whether or not anyone cared about the study? [Sighs] I do believe that we have a mission to complete.


Alice: Agreed! And Charlie, I'm sorry that you're still carrying a torch for Deucie, but the fact is, you're married to Pestilence, and you need to make the most of that.


Austin : Well said. Now, I believe that we have still not solved the mystery of the missing orphans, the YTGs etc. [To Charlie] All this talk of relationships with boy friends etc [waves his hand dismissively] really has no place in this party, we have some serious work to do and you should try to remember that at all times.


Alice: [Wags a scolding finger at Charlie] Really! You must try to remain focused. Now, will there be creamy cakes at the Hatz bar?


Charlie: [Proudly] Oh, yes! Pestilence has a passion for creamy cakes, and he has been trying his hand at baking lately. It's going to be a lovely party!


[The party arrive at the site of Bodenringham Manor. The manor was burnt down a few months ago, when CHARLIE's family were killed, but it has been completely rebuilt. However, in place of the majestic country house that was once there, there now sits a massive structure that looks more like a prison.]


Charlie: [Hops out of the carriage eagerly] Isn't it wonderful? Pestilence has worked so hard to rebuild the place!


Harvey: [Fondly] Ah, this brings back memories - I once ran a prison, you know. [Confused] Private Parker-Kensington, I thought we were headed to your family's home, why are we at a prison?


Austin : [Glances at the house. To Charlie] Did he base the design on any specific prison, or does he intend anonymity to lend itself to the gloominess of the place?


Sebastian: [To Charlie] He has done a marvelous job, yes. Now what was that about cake? And what happened to the orphans?

;;; Heading out for the day, see you all tomorrow.


Charlie: [Surveying the house] Well, it is a bit cleaner in design, true, but after the attack on my family, he wanted to be certain we would be safe. [To Sebastian] The cakes will be inside, but I don't know what happened to the orphans. We shall investigate after the Mat Vitzbah!


Austin : After you. [Gestures towards the prison]


[Two hired goons dressed in t-shirt tuxedos step out. These are SCOTT WESLEY and WESLEY SCOTT.]

Scott: [Holds a hand up to the carriage] Halt!


Charlie: [Approaches the goons] It's all right, boys. They are with me! [Claps her hands] Now, see to the carriage and bring in our things, as we should like to freshen up before the other guests arrive.


Austin : [To the goons] Well? What are you waiting for, get a move on! [Sighs]


Scott: We're searching everyone. [Addresses someone just out of sight] Okay, you can put your pants back on again.

[A woman, DARBY BISHOP, staggers into view, as she struggles to pull up her trousers. She spots the party.]

Darby: Oh! Hello!


Charlie: [To Darby, with a friendly smile] Hello! [Holds out her hand] Dr. Charlotte Parker-Kensington . . . and you are. . . ?


Dur: [To the goons with a raised eyebrow] Does searching everyone include the lady of the house?=


Darby: [Irritated] Darby Bishop! We met at the bake sale for the local school!

Scott: [To Dur] Of course it does! [Thinks for a moment] Wait, who's the lady of the house?


Dur: [Narrows his eyes] Are you two sure you are meant to guard this house?Perhaps we should be the one's searching you! =


Charlie: Quite right, Dur! [To Scott, imperiously] I am the lady of the house, so don't you dare lay a hand on me. [To Darby, all smiles] Of course, DORIS! You made the delightful little cupcakes shaped like rainbows!


Darby: [Clutches at her pearls] No, I made the miniature do-nuts in shape of love hearts.

Alice: [To the party] Oh god, is this about to get ugly?


Charlie: [To Darby, laughing awkwardly] Well, that's really more Pestilence's area, I'm afraid, as we divide our domestic responsibilities. In any case, it is lovely to see you again, Dorothy. I shall look forward to seeing little [pauses] er, [clearly guessing] Tiffany?


Darby: [Coldly] Damien. [Enters the house]

Sebastian: [Claps his hands] This is gonna be great!

[The goons step back to let the party enter. Just inside are PESTILENCE and WILHELMINA, as well as several mothers. There are some other children, but they are all in a treehouse looking out.]

Pestilence: Charlie! [Gives a big smile, and then looks at the party] Hi, er, guys!


Harvey: Never mind all that - where's the food, eh?

;;; Had to go home early so that might be it for me today :(


Austin : Hi Pestilence, good to see you and Wilhelmina on good form! [Smiling politely. To Darby] Pleased to make your acquaintance, Ms. Bishop. I am Austin Sleaze. I do hope Charlies studious eccentricities have not dissuaded you from enjoying the rest of this fabulous party?


Charlie: [Kisses Pestilence] Hello, darling! You've done a marvelous job. Everything looks splendid! [Gives Will a warm hug] And how is our guest of honor?!


Will: [Sulkily] There are too many babies here! [Points at the other children in the tree house, some of whom are clearly hiding]

Darby: [Narrows her eyes at Austin] It's Mrs. Bishop!

Pestilence: [Laughs] Oh, come on, Darb! He's an old friend of Charlie's! Come on, gang, I'll introduce you to the girls!

[PESTILENCE starts leading the party to where a number of housewife types are sitting.]

Alice: Wow, I haven't seen him dressed like this since that night he met your family, Charlie! [Nods at Pestilence who, instead of the usual all leathers, is wearing a pair of smart trousers, a nice cotton shirt and a sweet pastel blue sweater. Tied jauntily around his neck is a second sweater, this time pastel yellow.]

;;; http://queens-view.com/Scripts/07.07.html#07.05.079


Austin : [Plesantly but formally] Indeed, pleased to meet you Mrs Bishop. [Nods briefly and follows Pestilence]


Charlie: [Smiles affectionately at Pestilence] Yes, doesn't he look handsome? [Surveys the room, smiling] Hello, ladies. I am Dr. Charlotte Parker-Kensington, and [gestures to the party] these are my colleagues.


Clint: Oh god. [To Pestilence, brightly.] You're not serving beer here, by any chance? I think I might need it.


[CHARLIE gets something of a cool reception from the women, who all light up when PESTILENCE addresses them.]

Pestilence: Let me introduce you all! [Points each of them out in turn] You've already met Darby, and this is Ana [gives a friendly wave, [points to a lady with an eyepatch who gives them a nice smile] , Frances, there's Audrey [snootily lifts her glass of wine to them] and, of course, here's Esurion, [a super perky looking housewife type who gives the party a warm smile and friendly wave] Devourer of Souls, Slayer of the Innocent and Feeble, Certified Public Accountant.

Esurion: Please! Call me Essie!

Pestilence: And this is [sneaks a quick look at his hand, that has the party's names written on it, as he points them out] Alice, Austin, Clint, Dur, Harvey and [points out Sebastian] Mac!

<P><a href=http://www.queens-view.com/wiki/index.php/Frances_Kovarian>Frances Kovarian</A> <P><A href=http://www.queens-view.com/wiki/index.php/Audrey_Altman>Audrey Altman</A> <P><A href=http://www.queens-view.com/wiki/index.php/Esurion,_Devourer_of_Souls,_Slayer_of_the_Innocent_and_Feeble,_Certified_Public_Accountant>Esur= ion</A>


Audrey: [To Clint] My dear, Petsy only ever serves the best beer.

Pestilence: [Nods] I threatened to kill the local distiller unless he kept some for me.

[The ladies all laugh at this.]

Frances: Oh, Petsy!


Harvey: [To Esurion] Esurion, eh? Have we met before - the name seems familiar, what?


Clint: Perhaps she's done your taxes for you?


Austin : [To the ladies] Delighted to meet you all.

;;;; awa hame


Charlie: [Gives the ladies a somewhat strained smile] How nice to meet all of you. [To Pestilence, in a low voice] Petsy?! Isn't that rather overfamiliar?


Esurion: [To Harvey] Oh, I don't think so. Perhaps you led an angry mob who were trying to burn me at the stake? [Sips some tea]

Frances: [To Charlie] Oh, don't mind us, Charlie, he's just like one of the girls!

Alice: [Not buying it] Really?

Frances: Of course! I mean, sure, we all had to adjust at first. You know, he doesn't bring white wine to the book club any more and, well, I'm a lot more careful about which keyholes I look through.

[All the ladies cover one eye.]

Ladies: Eye eye!

Alice: [Jumps back, startled] What just happened?


Clint: Well, Frances was saying that Pestilence put out one of her eyes through a keyhole or something, and then everyone else said "eye eye!"


Charlie: [To Pestilence, trying to repress a heavy sigh] Darling, did you gouge out this poor woman's eye?


Pestilence: It wasn't so much gouging out as stabbing, really.

Frances: [Nods] That's true. And, might I say, you have a lovely home.


Dur: [Skepticly] Are you always on such good terms with your victims, Petsy?=


Clint: Oh, like you've never put out one of your friends' eyes before, Doc?


Pestilence: You must be joking! Normally they're dead! [Laughs, but notices Charlie's icy glare] Er, I mean, hey, who likes cake?


Alice: [Nods] Yeah! Like that guy who's broken toe you were trying to fix. That was just weird!


Charlie: [Relieved for a change of subject] Who doesn't like cake?! Where IS the cake, darling?


Austin : So, what is the programme for this celebration, appart from cake eating?


Charlie: Party games and general merriment, I suppose! [Points to the children in the treehouse] Look, they seem to be playing a game--hide and seek? [To the party] They aren't particularly skilled, though!


Austin : Perhaps you should introduce them to your elite concealment skills.


Alice: Yeah, I'd hardly even know that you have that hairy wart.

Wilhelmina: [Sulkily folding her arms] That's because they're a bunch of babies.

Pestilence: [To the party] Come on, gang, I'll show you where you can stay, and introduce you to your cakes.


Sebastian: We are getting introduced to our food before we eat it? How bizarre


Pestilence: Not really. Sometimes people like to taunt their food! [Starts heading to house, but stops and looks back with an evil smile] Well, come on, before it gets away!


Austin : [Shudders] I do hope that these are real cakes, in the conventional human sense.


Charlie: Oh, of course they are! [To Pestilence, clearly unsure] Right, darling?!


Pestilence: Not in the conventional sense, no!

;;; End of scene, next one coming up sooooon!

;;; Feel free to post while waiting


Austin : [Pales a little] Well, this all sounds very exciting, I can't wait to see these cakes.


[Book VIII, Act VIII, Scene V. The Cake Room. ALICE, AUSTIN, CHARLIE, CLINT, DUR, HARVEY, SEBASTIAN and PESTILENCE are here. The room is full of cakes, and PESTILENCE leads the party to one particular table, filled with delicious looking cakes with novelty shapes.]

Pestilence: [Surprisingly enthusiastically] So! I made a special cake for each of you! [Points each of them out in turn] A pie in the shape of Pi for Alice, a life sized model of Maplin [which looks perfect] , a stinky armpit [with what appear to be flies made of sugar around it] , a spleen [which is oozing what people hope is strawberry jam] , a scale model diorama of the Battle of Senility and [shows a big question mark] sorry, Mac, I wasn't sure what to do for you, as all I know is that you, uh, used to be, I guess, very small!

Alice: [Looks at her cake] That's the most delicious looking Pi I've ever seen!


Harvey: [Squinting at the Battle of Senility] By the Saints! There's my coffee maker, and before it met its untimely demise! [To Pestilence] Does it work?


Austin : [Suprised and relieved, looking at the Maplin cake] Incredible! [Studies the cake carfully] How on earth did you get such perfect detail? This must be the most beautiful cake ever made!


Charlie: [To Pestilence, starry-eyed and beaming proudly] Oh, darling, they're wonderful! Really, you've outdone yourself.


Harvey: [To Austin] What are you on about, eh? It looks like your arm. [Goes back to trying to get the coffee maker on his cake to work] Hmmm, this is a little fiddly, what?


Pestilence: Of course it works, we just might find it difficult to locate a power socket small enough. [To Austin, modestly] Well, I had a good model.

Alice: [Face covered in chocolate] This is the nicest cake I've ever eaten!

Pestilence: Great! [Looks serious] There's no chocolate in that!


Charlie: [Looks around at the cakes expectantly] Oh, but where is MY cake?


Pestilence: [Holds up an incredibly intricate heart shaped cake] Here we go! [Hands her a magnifying glass] Take a read!


Sebastian: Don't worry about it Petsy, they are all very impressive. But why do you keep calling me Mac?


Charlie: [Takes the magnifying glass and reads a few lines, delighted] =93I will love you until the end of time. I am yours beyond life and will never belong to another. . . .=94 Oh, our wedding vows! Darling, how DID you manage it?!


Pestilence: [Proudly] Very carefully! [To Sebastian] Because that's your name. Don't tell me that you've gone and changed it, not after I went to the trouble of learning it!


Charlie: [To Pestilence] Mac left the party ages ago, darling. This [gestures to Sebastian] is Sebastian. [Helpfully] He's on your list of people you are not to harm. You know, the one in the black notebook with a skull on it? On the bedside table?


Harvey: Never mind that! We must find a compatible power socket for this coffee maker immediately. [Frowns thoughtfully] Hmm, it's too small to make a large cup of coffee, but perhaps an espresso, what? [Pulls a ridiculously small coffee cup from a pocket and attempts to place it under the nozzle of the coffee maker]


Pestilence: To NOT kill? Huh. Yeah, sure, I know that one!

[The door opens, and CORDELIA PARKER-KENSINGTON enters. She met all but SEBASTIAN at NANNA WILLA'S birthday party back in Book VII, Act VII, and the party know that her parents were killed in Book VIII, Act I when the manor was burned down. When first they met her, she looked young and innocent, but flirted outrageously with AUSTIN and MAC at the birthday party, much to her father's embarrassment. Now she looks like a tough rock chick, complete with pierced nose.]

Cordelia: [To Charlie] 'sup. [Gives Austin a big smile] Hi, Austin!

[HARVEY spills coffee all over himself, burning his finger.]


Austin : [With a big grin to Cordelia] Hey Cordelia, good to see you looking so well! Love the new look.


Charlie: [To Cordelia, with a big smile] Cordelia, it's so lovely to see you! How are your studies coming along?


Cordelia: [Rolls her eyes at Charlie] Yes! I'm studying all the time! Jeez! [Dramatic sigh] God! [Turns to Austin with a super smile] Oh, this old thing? Hey, I like your suit! [Touches his arm] Wow! Have you been working out? Mm-mm!

Alice: [Gorging herself on Pi Pie, before whispering to Austin] Don't forget, her only living male relative is Pestilence, and she's probably under age!


Charlie: [Puts an arm around Cordelia] Yes, Pestilence and I are acting as Cordelia's guardians now. We're terribly proud of her, especially when she studies very diligently! [Beaming] She hopes to be a Watcher some day.


Sebastian: So is she Petsy's little sister? [Starts to eat Question Mark Pie] Mmm this is good.


Harvey: [Wiping coffee from his clothing] Why that's excellent. [Eyes the nose-ring] Hmm, she even has miniature torture instruments!


Cordelia: [Squirms away from Charlie] No you're not! I'm nearly 17, I don't even need guardians! And if I did, they'd be Mimaw and Gigaw! [Looks Sebastian up and down] Wow! Mac! You've really been beefing up!


Clint: [Snorts.] Mouthing off to authority and with no idea who the party is... She's a watcher in training alright!


Charlie: [Happily oblivious] Yes, I think she shall be a very fine Watcher, indeed! [To Pestilence] Now, are you planning to begin with party games? Or presents?


Dur: [Taking handfuls and is intermittenly shoving pieces into his mouth and into his pants to save for later] It tastes like real spleen! How did you= manage that?!


Pestilence: The secret ingredient is... spleen! [To Charlie] First we better let people get dressed -- you know what your mother is like! [To Cordelia] Hey Cordy, how about showing these guys and ... [points at Sebastian] Sevasta...pol? Is it? Anyway, show them where the clothes are. [To Charlie] You can come with me and sign the card. Wait until you see the present I got for her!


Clint: [Suddenly concerned.] Uh... mine doesn't taste like real stinky armpit, does it?


Charlie: [Following Pestilence] Wonderful! I just KNOW you managed to find something perfect for our precious little darling.

Cordelia: [Sullenly] Yeah, right! [Points at a chest nearby] There's cardigan twinsets for everyone in there. If you don't wear one, my grandmother will probably sniff at you disapprovingly all day.



Alice: What the hell is a cardigan twinset? [Opens the chest and gives a sharp intake of breath] Yikes! [Looks down at her own, entirely inappropriately short skirt] Ah, I think we'll be fine for a kid's party!


Sebastian: [Looks inside] Do we just put any on, or have we had ones picked out for us? [Shakes his head] And it's Sebastian not Sevasta-pol. Or even Mac. What kind of guy was he?


Cordelia: [Digs through the chest and pulls out a tiny yellow cardigan twinset and hands it to Sebastian with a smirk] Here, he got this one for you because he thought you were Mac! Mac was OK, but not as sexy as Austin or anything.


Alice: He was really small and made lots of unkind comments about cool tattoos that people had.


Austin : Few people are as fortunate as us Cordelia.

;;;;awa t' meetins


Cordelia: [Smiles at Austin dreamily] Wouldn't we have beautiful babies?

;;; Your hardworking GM is stuck in meetings all

;;; day, so he's asked me to pause the game for

;;; him. Back to normal game play tomorrow!


Austin : [To Cordelia, smiling sweetly] Absolutely, but could I get a kiss first?

;;; busy in meetings most of the day, catch youz tomorrow


Sebastian: [Takes the offered garments] Well I would never make unkind comments about someones tattoo's. To their face anyway. Wouldn't want to upset them knowing they are stuck with them all their life.

;;; Might be gone until mid afternoon


Alice: Some people are proud of them, Mac! [To Austin] Yeesh, Aus! Remember? Pestilence is her only male relative and she's underage? And Cordelia? Ew! Old guy alert! He's old enough to be your... much older brother, and would you really want to kiss your brother? Take it from me, it's creepy! [Thinks] Mostly. I mean, hey! I'm not on trial here!


Cordelia: [Indignant] Uncle P isn't the boss of me! [Throws her arms around Austin and frantically tries to kiss him] Hurry! Before Uncle P gets back!


[Enter HELENA, mother of CHARLIE and grandmother of CORDELIA.]

Helena: I must talk to you about -- Cordelia! What on earth are you doing? [To Austin] Leave her alone!


Austin : [Lingers in a passionate kiss with Cordelia, then breaks away, holding Cordelia's gaze. To Helena] Certainly.


Helena: You repulsive little man! [To the party in general] I wanted to have a word with you about Charlie, but now I wonder if Pestilence is actually a better influence on her than you!

Alice: [Still with chocolate all over her face] That's okay, Mrs. er, Charleston, we're the good guys.

Helena: I hope so.


Austin : [To Helena, looking her over] Nice twinset. Perhaps you should get out a little more. Give that twinset a little air. [Casually checks his nails] If we are lucky it won't come back.


Harvey: Besides, where else am I supposed to get a replacement coffee maker? [Thinks for a moment, then looks at the miniature machine] Even if it is a little more, um, *compact* than it used to be, what?


Cordelia: [Swooning] Oh, Aussie! [To Helena, defiantly] You can't keep us apart! This is TRUE love. [Tries to hold Austin's hand]


Austin : [Holds Cordelia's hand] Thankfully.


Helena: [Repulsed] Cordelia! He is nearly twice your age! Behave yourself this instant.

;;; Not quite true -- she's 17, he's 31!


Cordelia: [Releases Austin's hand sulkily] At least I'm not a creepy little monster like Will!


Helena: [Who looks very tired and pale] Cordelia, she's not a... monster! [To the party] I wanted to talk to you about Charlie and Pestilence, I think the situation is very dangerous, for everyone!


Harvey: Nonesense, my dear! Will is growing up quite rapidly, by all accounts. If she keeps on at this rate, soon she'll be a creepy *big* monster like her father, what?!?


Austin : [Smugly] Just to set the records straight, I am merely a little over ten years older the Cordelia, and Cordelia is not a child, at least in the eyes of the law. Whereas, Pestilence is several thousands of years older than Charlie.


Alice: Aus, you're fourteen years older than her!

Helena: I'm trying to talk to you about Pestilence and Charlie, and the danger that everyone is in. [To Austin] If you are more concerned about trying to maul my grand daughter, then please leave. [To Cordelia] If you wish to be part of this conversation, then keep away from him. If you wish to form some sort of relationship with a man that much older than you, then do so somewhere else.


Cordelia: [Sighs a long, exaggerated sigh] Fine. Why are we in danger? Uncle P has it all under control. We live in a fort! Even when I'm at school, I've got a bunch of goons following me around. Nobody will ever be able to attack us like--before [gets a little choked up and trails off] .


Helena: [Puts her arm around Cordelia] I know, Cordy, but my concern is that we HAVE to live in a fort, and that we would never have been attacked if it wasn't for Pestilence. [To the party] He has ruined our lives, and brings nothing but death and destruction wherever he goes. Yes, he makes very nice creamy cakes, but he leaves a trail of destruction behind him that Charlie is blind to.


Austin : [Whispering to Alice] Fourteen is a little more than ten!


Alice: But 31 is a lot more than 17!

;;; Sorry Tom, but I can't resist borrowing Clint to

;;; discredit Alice!

Clint: How old is Deuce, Alice?

Alice: [Defensively] He's not 50!

;;; He almost is, and Alice is 24.


Harvey: Now, see here, the relationship between my niece and Deuce is perfectly natural and there's absolutely nothing wrong... [Falters] I say, did we have a mission to complete, eh?


Sebastian: Enough about the age thing guys, Austin is 3 years too young to be double Cordelia's age. [To Helena] What is it you would like us to do?


Helena: Thank you, Sebastian. I need you to keep an eye on Charlie and make sure her conscience isn't blind -- I presume you heard about this insurance policy that Pestilence had taken out on her? It's already been used twice, and I shudder to think about what he had to do to bring her back. Did you know that he now has several wounds that won't heal? If the payment was so high that it would do that to a demon, what on earth was he doing?


Cordelia: [Swoons] Aw, Nanna! Don't you think it's romantic?! I wish someone would do that for me [sighs wistfully at Austin] . And, anyway, Charlie made him promise he wouldn't kill anyone. And he's totally whipped, you have to admit.


Helena: No, I don't think it's romantic. If she could forgive him for killing her father, she could forgive him for anything. [To the party] You need to be vigilant, because someone could exploit the situation -- he's so keen to stay in her good books, he's likely to do any sort of weird favour for someone she's friends with.


Cordelia: [Quickly] Not me, I'd never do that! [Hurriedly changing the subject] Anyway, the only problem Charlie and Uncle P have is Will. [In a low voice, to the party] Did Charlie tell you Will strangled one of her cats?! What a freaky kid!


Sebastian: [To Helena] So you want us to try and convince him to cancel the policy?


Cordelia: [Nervously] You can't be serious, Nanna! If Charlie died, what would stop him from going all evil again?! He HAS to keep that insurance policy.


Sebastian: Or Charlie and the rest of us could be more careful to make sure she doesn't die again? I'd rather not die than die and be brought back


Austin : [Ponders] That is a good point.


Helena: It is a good point, but why do we want to have someone in our lives who's likely to become psychotically evil. [To Drew] That makes much more sense -- he says that he has cancelled the policy, as each time the payment got worse, I mean, I don't believe that it was a crocodile that bit his arm off, but I'm not sure I believe that he has. What happens if the payment is to kill someone? [Looks around at the others] Maybe one of you?


Austin : [Shrugs] Well then it will be just like old times again. I have forgotten just how many times Pestilence has tried to kill us, but it was certainly alot.


Dur: [Shudders] But I certainly don't miss those days!


Sebastian: I'm glad I didn't know you guys then

;;; Hey Conor since when did NPC's start talking to us players instead

of our characters? Or is Helena all magical like that when it's me?



Cordelia: [Growing concerned] He wouldn't try to kill ME, would he Nanna? I'm like a daughter to him now, right? WAY better than Will, too!


Harvey: He might if you seem a threat to Will.


Dur: Better how? Better in that your soft, pliable flesh would probably ripto pieces much easier than Wil's? She is at least semi-demon of course. I = don't think there is a person in this dimension Pestilence wouldn't kill, short of Charlie and Wil of course. =


Helena: [Sighs in relief at Dur's and Harvey's words] Exactly! Thank you!

Alice: [Nods] You know, I don't particularly relish being killed by Pestilence either. He did burn us all alive before, and however nonchalant you claim to be about it Aus, you know you don't want that either.


Dur: Precisely! Could you imagine what Maplin would look like at your funeral after such severe burns?=


Sebastian: If he burned you all alive how are you still alive? And unburned? [To Dur] Or are you just that good of a Doctor?


Alice: [Startling everyone] Hah! [Calms down] I mean, no, it wasn't Dur who brought us back to life, he wasn't there.

[There's a noise outside, of someone coming towards the room.]

Gertrude: That's probably them, I'd better go. [Exit Gertrude]


Austin : Unfortunately we cannot both be friends and enemies with Pestilence at the same time, and we have always done our best to keep Charlie alive, so nothing has changed.


[Enter GERTRUDE, CHARLIE's grandmother.]

Gertrude: Ah! There you all are. Not putting on twinsets, I hope?


Austin : [Laughs] No, even we hierophantic knights must draw the line somewhere.


Sebastian: No, just looking at and holding them so far, wondering where the nearest furnace is.


Gertrude: I don't know, Austin, it might set a new trend. I wouldn't burn them if I were you, Pestilence knitted them himself. [Gives Cordy a wink] Cordy.


Cordelia: [Gives Gertrude a big smile] Hi, Nanna! [Helpfully points at Sebastian] That's Sebastian, not Mac! [Lowers her voice] We were just talking about how scary Uncle P used to be, and how Will strangled Charlie's cat.


Gertrude: [Reproachfully but gently] Now, Cordelia, we don't know that Will was responsible, and it was never properly established how those cats died.


Clint: Were they found half-eaten? Because if not, we can rule out Dur!


Cordelia: [To Clint] Ew! [Gives Dur a disgusted look. To Gertrude] What do you mean, CATS? Did she strangle another one this week?! Charlie must have been crushed!


Gertrude: Three in the last while.

Alice: Why did Charlie have so many cats in the manor? She doesn't even live here!

Gertrude: Only one was strangled, the other two appear to have been attacked by another animal.

Alice: How many cats does Charlie have?

Gertrude: That's hardly important right now. Besides, I don't have time to count them all.


Dur: I don't kill cats just to eat them! I eat already dead cats! [To Gertrude] Speaking of which... Where are the dead cats now?


Gertrude: [Looks faintly disgusted for a moment, but regains her composure] I think Pestilence used them as ingredients in your cake.


Clint: How thoughtful! And you people want us to not trust him?!


Dur: [Delightedly] Oh! [Grumpily] Well I still think he is up to something sinister!=


Gertrude: [To Dur] So does Helena. She is convinced that it is only a matter of time before the manor is destroyed again.


Cordelia: [To Dur and Gertrude, skeptically] Like what, though? Doesn't he seem happy to you? Why would he do anything to mess it up?


Gertrude: Because Evil Cannot Resist.

;;; End of scene, next one coming right up


[Book VIII, Act VI, Scene VI. The Carriage. ALICE, AUSTIN, CHARLIE, CLINT, DUR, HARVEY and SEBASTIAN are here, driving towards the manor. This is back to the party's *current* time, i.e. just after they've reclaimed their clothes. Memories are now starting to come back, and the party all remember everything that happened in the last scene. The memories have come back slowly and naturally, not in one huge lump.]

Alice: You know, I do remember getting to Will's hat party.


Dur: I seem to recall that now too! Hey, I wonder... [Checks his pants to see if he has any kidney cake left] =


Charlie: Yes, and what a relief! I should have hated missing it. Will would have been so disappointed. And after all of the work Pestilence put into it!


Clint: Yeah, Pestilence made us novelty cakes, and the lawyer tried to roger a girl waaaaay off the half plus seven rule?


Sebastian: I seem to remember Petsy calling me Mac all the time [Laughs a little] Petsy! [Laughs a lot harder, so hard he starts to turn purple]


Alice: Quick! He's choking! Someone punch him in the stomach!

[Sadly, there is no cake left.]


Charlie: [To Sebastian, disapprovingly] Don't call him that. Only those horrible women call him that. The cheek of them, giving MY husband a pet name?!


Alice: What is wrong with you people? [Punches Sebastian in the stomach, but not hard enough to hurt him, before turning to Charlie] Actually, I thought it was kind of nice that he was one of the girls!


Harvey: Punch him? Isn't he having a bad enough day already if he's choking?

Alice: Yes, but then he'll stop making that awful noise!


Dur: [Worriedly] I'm still a little concerned about the abrupt memory loss.Perhaps we should proceed hurriedly but with great caution.=20


Alice: Oh, come on, Dur! It was a kid's party! How bad could it be?

[The party round a corner to see that the manor has been burned to the ground -- again!]

;;; Gone for the weekend!!


Charlie: [Horrified] NO! [Races toward the manor]

;;; What a mean cliffhanger! See all of you on Monday! : )


Austin : Wow, that must have been some party!


Sebastian: Oh my...by all that is sacred! I hope I didn't do that! [Looks down at his hands]

;;; See you Monday guys!


Alice: Holy crap! [To Charlie] Are you okay?


Charlie: [Frantically] Help me look for them! My family has been attacked again!


Alice: Easy, Charlie! You can't go in there, some of the fires are still burning!


Harvey: Indeed! Anyone inside must be burnt to a crisp, what?


Alice: [Appalled] What he means is, uh, um, there there!


Austin : Hopefully Pestilence will have built some form of a bunker or fire shelter within the house, and they are safe in there.


Charlie: [Worriedly, to Austin] Yes, perhaps. That IS the sort of thing he would think to do. But who attacked us?! [Starts searching the grounds]

;;; Do we have weapons?


Alice: Yeah! That would be cool! A room where people could go in case of panic. It would be like in that movie, what was it called? Worry Room? [To Charlie] Let's all search together, Charlie!

;;; Yes!

[The entire structure has been burnt down, and it looks as though it'll be tricky even to get in the gates.]

Alice: How about we scout around the outside first?


Charlie: [Sword out] Yes, and let's hurry! They could still be nearby.


[The party all draw their weapons and start to skirt around the outside. Soon they can hear someone further up, who's behind some trees. They creep forward, but it's not possible to see who it is, although it's clearly just one person, and they appear to be digging.]


Austin : [Whispering] Someone is probably burying the evidence!


Charlie: [Whispering, horrified] Oh, GOD! He isn't burying a person, is he?! [Urgently] Hang back and stay hidden! I'll go on alone. [Approaches the digging person cautiously]


Alice: [To the others] Why is she going alone? That's just annoying. I mean, are we going to have to rescue her again? Come on, let's stay with her.

[The entire party edge forward and see that the figure appears to be a demon, who is digging something up. This is MORKOFF.]

Alice: Oh my God! Is he even wearing pants?


Harvey: Perhaps he buried them and is now retrieving them?


Charlie: [Gasps at Harvey's words. Suddenly charges Morkoff, shouting] What did you do to them?!


Morkoff: What? The pants? I don't need no stinkin' pants, I'm a demon!


Charlie: [Points her sword at Morkoff] Forget about the pants! Who is in that hole? [Nods at the hole Morkoff is digging]


Morkoff: I think it might be Tim Victor, but don't worry, I'll make enough space for you too.

Alice: Hah! There's way more than two of us!

Morkoff: I meant too in the sense of as well, rather than the quantity.

Alice: Oh. Hm, that's probably a lot of digging.


Sebastian: [To Markoff] What happened here? Where is Pestilence and Will? And everyone else?


Markoff: I don't know, who's Pestilence?


Charlie: [Angrily] My husband. Again, what happened here?! Did you burn this house? Did you attack the people here?!


Markoff: [Offended] No I didn't! What do you think I am?

Alice: An evil demon bent on the destruction of all that is good and also, of pants?

Markoff: [Considers this for a moment] Well, yes, but I didn't kill anyone! I'm here on a murder investigation!


Harvey: Aha! Here to investigate how to murder people, eh? I knew it, by the saints.


Markoff: Don't be ridiculous! I already know how to murder people! Hah! Er, that is...


Charlie: [Warily] What murder? This Tim Victor's? Who is that?


Dur: Where is the man? How did he die? Was it in connection with the burning down of the house?

;;; Can we see the body?


Morkoff: Yes, Tim Victor's murder! He died from having his throat cut, but he was so badly beaten and tortured before it, he's barely recognizable. Whoever did this is a psychotic monster. Kinda makes me want to meet him, really, but, you know, you should never meet your torture heroes.

Alice: Why? Do they always let you down?

Morkoff: No, they try to kill you.

[The party can see that there is a single body in a relatively shallow grave. It has been beaten almost beyond recognition, and has had all the fingers cut off.]

Alice: Ew! Uh... does anyone else recognize him?

;;; He does look a little familiar.....


Dur: Maybe! [Dur picks up a stick for body poking and tries to cast Speak with Dead] Does he still have his kidneys?


Sebastian: [Looks at the body] Erm...let me see

;;; I saw totaly misread Kevins previous post and thought it was Dur

asking to see the body and was thinking

;;; "oh god here we go, Dur trying to eat the murder victim!"


Morkoff: [Who sounds like he's chewing gum] Er, I don't know!

[DUR casts the spell, but nothing seems to happen. Meanwhile, SEBASTIAN knocks away some dirt to reveal the body. It is the person that PESTILENCE was torturing at the end of Book VIII, Act VI, Scene III.]

<A href=http://www.queens-view.com/Scripts/08.06.html#06.03.034>Pestilence and Tim</A> <a href=http://www.queens-view.com/wiki/index.php/Tim_Victor>Tim Victor</A>

Morkoff: Do you know him? I'd really like to find out who did this!


Charlie: [Startled] No! We did not know him, and do not know who killed him! He isn't a demon, is he? How did you know him?


Harvey: And we definitely did not see her husband [Indicating Charlie] torturing this individual at any time, what?


Dur: What would happen if we DID know who did it? And why is a Demon investigating a murder? You would think that your kind would be celebrating such = a tragedy!


Clint: Sorry, I have no idea. Too busy trying to find missing husbands, daughters, and parents, that sort of thing.


Alice: [Nods] And we certainly didn't see a child's drawing depicting him not torturing the individual, which he didn't, so it doesn't exist, so how the hell could we have seen it?

Morkoff: [Gives Alice a sceptical look, before turning to Dur] Normally, but that's because we're normally the ones responsible. This guy is a business colleague of mine, and, frankly, I'm disgusted and outraged with the lack of respect shown to his corpse. Now, [draws his sword] give me a minute while I cut off his testicles.

;;; Out for an hour!!


Charlie: [Smiles gratefully at the party] Quite right! We know nothing of this matter. [To Morkoff] Before you defile this corpse, could you tell us if you saw anyone attack this house or set fire to it? We should be most grateful.


Austin : I do hope we do not have to do too much of this.


Clint: I have to agree with the lawyer. How many times do we have to dig through the remains of your family home to see if we can find the remains of your family? [Quickly.] Not that they're in there, of course!


Morkoff: Oh, that's okay, you'll never have to do it again. [Gives the party] Because I'm going to kill you all.


Sebastian: What? Why? We didnt kill him, or cut of his fingers, or beat him up, or anything. And we certainly weren't there when he was killed for whatever reason, like say being tortured for information on a spy in some group. Nope, never happened so no need to kill us!


Clint: Show a little backbone, kid! [To Morkoff.] He's right, though. [Drops a hand to his sword.]


Harvey: [Whispering to Clint, but loud enough for everyone to hear] Isn't it a little dangerous to talk about showing internal body parts around this individual. [Thinks] Or, for that matter, Dur?


Charlie: Come on, group! [Attacks Morkoff]


Morkoff: I'm a demon, it's what I do, especially in a world like yours, that's so ripe for the picking!

[CHARLIE swings at MORKOFF and narrowly misses.]

Morkoff: Hey! Don't I even get a chance to explain my master plan for destroying the world before I kill you?


Clint: [Goes to help Charlie.] Okay, but make it snappy! We're on a schedule here!


Harvey: [Astonished, looks at his watch] By Jove, you're right, Private! It's almost lunchtime! [to Morkoff, urgently] Quickly, out with it, by the saints!


Morkoff: Okay. [Slashes Clint with his sword] Hah! You people are idiots!

;;; Lose 20hp Clint!


Charlie: [Outraged] Oh, you have chosen the WRONG day to taunt me! [Attack Morkoff again]


Dur: [Looking angry] Hey! Who're you calling 'people' bub?! [Dur tries to cast Spiritual Weapon: http://www.dnd-wiki.org/wiki/SRD:Spiritual_Weapon to = atack Morkoff]


Austin : [Stands well back and shoots Morkoff] A tactical withdrawal may be prudent!


Morkoff: [Laughs as a warhammer appears beside him] Hah! What's that supposed to be?

[Bam. The hammer hits him in the face, just as AUSTIN fires a bullet, which bounces off him.]

Morkoff: Ow! Hey! That really hurt!

Alice: [To Austin] Yikes! I think you might be right!


Charlie: Right! [To the party] Run! [Runs back toward the manor]


Alice: We're all gonna die! [Runs with the others]

[The manor looks quite unstable, but it might be possible to sneak in through the gate, at least for the smaller members of the party.]

Morkoff: [Draws himself up to his full seven feet height] Get back here! [Charges after the party, gaining fast, but slowing down when he pulls out a cigarette]


Charlie: [To the others] Can anyone make it through the gate? Perhaps we could use fiery timber to beat back this creature?

;;; Who IS small? I'm not actually sure!


Alice: I'm slim enough to slip through the bars in the gate!

[ALICE squeezes through, only to get stuck.]

Alice: Oh no!

;;; All but Harvey and Clint, especially if the gate was

;;; actually opened!


Sebastian: [Runs for the gate, trying to force Alice through the gap] Come on guys, start pushing her ass!


Harvey: Oh, I'm not sure about that at all!


Alice: Damn these extra flouncy underpants! That's what's making me so wide!

;;; Lie, of course, she was wearing grey granny panties earlier!


Sebastian: Good point [Stops pushing and aims his hands at Morkoff, attempting to cast Burning Hands]


[Jets of flame shoot from SEBASTIAN's hands and engulf MORKOFF, who screams in pain.]

Morkoff: Hey! I'm going to kill you for that! Then I'm going to kill that big girl in the gate!

;;; Morkoff lose 18hp

Alice: [Engraged] OMP! Is he talking about me? He better not be talking about me? [Getting increasingly more shrill] Is he? Is he talking about me?

Morkoff: [Putting flames out] Yeah, I'm talking about you!


Sebastian: [Casts Flaming Hands again] You were already going to kill us bitch!


Charlie: Well done, Sebastian! Hurry, fire seems to be a weakness of his. [Tries to grab a chunk of burning wood.]


Harvey: [Lets out a bellow of rage] You'll learn not to talk about my niece in that manner, by the saints! [Charges at Morkoff, swinging with his sword]


Morkoff: [Defiantly to Sebastian] Yeah, well, I didn't mean it, but this time I really will kill you!

[MORKOFF is hit in quick succession by more flames, a slap in the groin from CHARLIE's flaming plank and a blow to the from HARVEY which, although it doesn't puncture the skin, seems to break a bone below his eye.]

Morkoff: Ow! What the hell?


Harvey: [Continues to attack Morkoff in a rage] You'll regret the day you crossed Colonel Harvey Kensington-Short the Third, Retired, you blaggard!


[HARVEY smashes the hilt of his sword into MORKOFF's face, showering the party in blood.]

Morkoff: Help! Help!


Sebastian: We are helping, to die! [Casts Grease at Morkoff's feet]


Dur: I call his kidneys! [Tries to cast Searing Light: http://www.dnd-wiki.org/wiki/SRD:Searing_Light on Morkoff] =


[MORKOFF screams in pain and passes out, as DUR touches him and HARVEY continues to beat his face into a bloody pulp. Eventually, HARVEY stops, panting and covered in blood. An eerie silence descends.]

Alice: Hey! What's happening?


Charlie: [Stunned, hurries to Harvey's side] Colonel, are you quite all right?!


Dur: [Looking around nervously] We probably screwed something up again!


Harvey: Nonsense, Doctor, we're doing marvellously, what? Undoubtedly due to my solid leadership, even if I do say so myself. [Looks at Morkoff] Ah, one of your patients, I see!


Charlie: [Insistently] But, Colonel! You brutalized this creature! That isn't like you.


Harvey: Ha! He brutalised himself, what? Against my sword!


Dur: Hmmmm. Perhaps you are overdue for a check-up Harv! [Dur tries to pulla flimsy cup from his doctor's bag and tries to place one end against Harv= ey's head while listening through the other end. Also, he tries to cast Detect Evil: http://www.dnd-wiki.org/wiki/SRD:Detect_Evil on Harvey]


[The whole area gives off a faint glowing, particularly MORKOFF and HARVEY, who's covered in bits of MORKOFF.]

Alice: Er, can someone give me a hand, please?


Dur: [Gives Alice a rousing round of applause] You haven't been feeling thesudden urge to laugh maniacly have you , Colonel?=


Charlie: [Distractedly joins in with Dur's clapping] Yes, yes, well done! [To Harvey] Colonel, plainly something is not quite right with you!

;;; Hahaha!


;;; You scumbags!!

Alice: That's right! And there's plainly something not right with me too, that damned gate is too small!


Harvey: Nonesense, our enemies are dead, what? [Picks a piece of Morkoff from his clothes and offers it to Charlie] Want some?


Charlie: [Wrinkles her nose, disgusted] Colonel, if I wanted my enemies beaten to an unrecognizable pulp, I would ask Pest-- [Gasps suddenly, remembering the situation] I haven't time to debate this with you now! I must search for my family.


Sebastian: Nonsense Alice, the gate is fine. You've just piled the beef on! [Chuckles and walks over to her, attempting to pull her free]


[SEBASTIAN pulls ALICE through.]

Alice: [Horrified] No I didn't! [Thinks] Although, Pestilence's cake was delicious... hm. Let's check out that body and see if there are any -- oh! [Breaks off as she sees Morkoff] What the hell? Harvey, did you do that?

;;; Gone for an hour!


Charlie: [To Alice, nodding] Exactly my point! Do have a word with him, but perhaps later. We really should make sure that Will and the rest of my family are safe!


Austin : [Looking suprised at the mess] Indeed he did. My bullets simply bounced off the demon [Frowns looking at Harvey's sword] Is that a magic sword? Morkoff did seem rather suprised that you were able to hurt him so much.


Harvey: He was just a demon, what? No need to thank me, eh?


Sebastian: [To Dur] Do you know any tracking spells doctor?


Harvey: [To Austin, confused] I don't believe so. Why, do you think it is such a sword?


Austin : [Shrugs] Well I just thought that perhaps he could only be hurt by magical weapons, we have seen that before with demons, is that not the case, Charlie?


Dur: [To Sebastian] Damnit Mac, I'm a Doctor not a Hunter!

;;; Yes, I know his name is Sebastian :p


Clint: Well, I don't care what the rest of them say, that was great, Harv! In a psychotic sort of way.


Harvey: And yet here he is, what? [Looks down at his coat] And here, and a bit more here...


Alice: He can't have been all that weak, both you and Austin weren't able to hurt him!


Charlie: [To Austin, assuming lecturing stance with glee] Well, it depends. Powerful demons, like Pestilence, generally can only be killed by magical weapons, though, theoretically, weaker demons could be killed by other, non-magical means. [Frowns] Though one weak enough to be killed by [raises an eyebrow at Harvey] pummeling should not have been able to travel to our dimension. Rather curious!


Austin : Just as I thought. [Looks around] Well, we should not waste anymore time, we still maybe able to rescue someone from the ruins.

;;;; out for the day!


Alice: [Wrinkling up her nose at the thought] Do we want to look at that grave first? It seems unlikely that this guy [points at Morkoff] wasn't involved, doesn't it?


Charlie: [Filled with dread] Yes, I suppose we should take a look at the grave. Come on, group. [Heads to the grave]


[There's a real stench from the grave, VICTOR has been dead for some time.]

Alice: Yikes! Now, that is the guy that Pestilence was torturing, right?


Charlie: [Covering her nose and mouth, trying not to gag] He appears to be the same man. Perhaps he was killed for giving up information to Pestilence?


Harvey: Or, perhaps *not* giving up information to Pestilence. Either way, he seems to be in a bit of a pickle, what?


Alice: If only he was pickled, then he mightn't smell too badly. [To Charlie] Are you sure Pestilence didn't kill him?


Charlie: [Firmly] Yes. Now, I wonder what his connection was to that demon? Perhaps we should search the demon's body for clues, as well.


Alice: [Promptingly] Really? Are you really sure?


Charlie: [To Alice] He promised. [To the rest of the party] You all heard him promise! He dedicates all of his time and energy to raising Will and protecting our family now.


;;; Dom is out today

Austin: [Casually lights a cigarette] Well then, that's good to hear. [Looks down at the body] Who's going to search this to see if there's some clue about why that demon was here?


Charlie: [To Dur, encouragingly] Come on, then! It's your moment to shine!

;;; Alas, that's my three! : )


Harvey: Hmm, I believe we want the body searched, not eaten, Private, what?


Charlie: [Sighs] Very well! I'll have a look. [Gingerly tries to search the body]


Dur: [Cheering Charlie on] If you find his spleen just put it in a to go box for me!=


[His throat has been cut, but there's nothing of any real interest there.]

Alice: Are there pants there?

;;; Only the ones he's wearing!


Sebastian: I'll check Morkoff [Moves over to the demon to start inspecting]

;;; Sorry for the late arrival today


Charlie: [Gives Dur a disgusted look. To Alice] Only the ones he's wearing. Why?


Clint: Do you really want to know, Sarge?


Alice: Oh please! Am I the only one who's disturbed by the fact that the demon wasn't wearing pants?

;;; End of scene, next one coming right up!


[Book VIII, Act VIII, Scene VII. The Manor. ALICE, AUSTIN, CHARLIE, CLINT, DUR, HARVEY and SEBASTIAN are here, heading downstairs to the party. It is about ten minutes after the end of the last scene, and everyone has had a chance to clean up and get changed into something appropriate for a children's party. ALICE is wearing a shockingly short leather dress with huge chunky buckles across the front, and more make up than a small brothel, while AUSTIN is wearing possibly the most beautiful suit anyone has ever seen.]

;;; Make sure you tell the rest of us what your character is wearing!

Austin: [Rubbing his sleeve against his cheek] Mmm! I do have the most wonderful taste!

;;; In the timeline, this takes place BEFORE the last scene, so please

be careful about not having

;;; your character know anything that happens later chronologically.

Also, everyone had a chance

;;; to wander about for a few minutes; if your character saw something

interesting you will

;;; ALREADY have heard from me. If they didn't, they just went to the

party's suite of rooms

;;; to get ready.


Charlie: [Wearing a blue turtleneck with matching blue cardigan and a gaudy gold necklace that appears to be a pile of entrails and two eyeballs, studded with diamonds. Showing the necklace to the party] Isn't it lovely? It was a gift from Pestilence!


Clint: [Wearing ratty jeans and a moth-eaten t-shirt which is now sort of grey and whose original color cannot be determined.] I never would have guessed.


Harvey: [Wearing a faded grey officer's uniform with several bent medals pinned to his chest] Yes, wonderful. Of course, as your commanding officer, I am fully resplendent in my uniform and parade-ready, what? [To Austin] By the saints, that is an ugly suit!


Dur: [Dur is wearing what started out as pristine white robes, typical of doctors, but the front of the robes are stained with jam from the Kidney Cak= e leftovers he has stashed in his underwear that he occasioanlly pulls little pieces off out and munches them happily.] It's a little disturbing Charl= ie. Are they real entrails?


Clint: [Firmly.] You are not eating Chuck's necklace, Doc.


ake leftovers he has stashed in his underwear that he occasioanlly pulls little pieces off out and munches them happily.] It's a little disturbing Cha= rlie. Are they real entrails?

Charlie: [Quickly jerks the necklace out of Dur's reach] No!


Austin: [To Harvey] Yes, Colonel, your suit is rather distasteful, but it's what we have come to expect from you.


Harvey: [Indignant] Suit, you say? Suit?!? I'll have you know this is a *uniform*, something all military men wear to identify them as important personnel who are not to be trifled with! Though, I suppose an individual such as yourself wouldn't know about such things, what?

;;; Oooh you've set him off now :)


Charlie: [To Harvey, in a low voice] Colonel, please! You wouldn't want to spoil Will's Mat Vitzbah, would you?!


Sebastian: [Wearing tatty blue jeans, a black t-shirt with white chalk marks on it and a white lab coat. To Charlie] I thought bloodhshed is what demonic rights of passage were all about?


Charlie: [To Sebastian, uncertainly] Well, not THIS one, I can assure you!


Sebastian: [Scoffs playfully] Yeah right!


Harvey: [Still rattling about his uniform, oblivious to the fact that no one's listening] ...While this is clearly the uniform of an officer, a man in command of a troop - that's you lot, of course - and as such displays the finery, attention to detail and level of competence associated with such a position, what?


Content-Type: text/plain; charset=us-ascii

Last from John 11

Austin: How long until the bloodshed? --Apple-Mail-443B4F33-5329-421F-AEEA-3424A8A5FE6F Content-Transfer-Encoding: 7bit


Clint: That depends on how familiar Pesty's old friends get with him, I imagine.


Alice: Well, I think it's adorable that he's got so domesticated!


Charlie: [Beaming] Isn't it wonderful?! [Sighs happily] Oh, I do believe I am the luckiest woman in the world!


Austin : Adorable? Honestly, Alice, a demon wearing pastels! Surely you mean creepy?


Alice: Can't he be both?


Charlie: Well, I DO think the leather suits him better, but I admire his efforts to blend in with the locals. [Wisely] When one has a child, all sorts of sacrifices must be made!


Sebastian: Alice is right, Petsy is adorabley creepy


Last from Drew

[Enter PESTILENCE carrying a severed goats head and some bright wrapping paper of various colours.]

Pestilence: Come on, it's almost time for the party games!


Harvey: [To Charlie] And, presumably, those sacrifices you mentioned, what?


Sebastian: I don't know what's more disturbing. The fact that a goats head is part of the party games, or that it doesn't surprise me.


Charlie: [Gasps. To Pestilence, in a low voice] Darling, what on earth are you doing with THOSE?!

;;; Heh heh! Funny, Drew!


Pestilence: They're my sweaters! It's how I blend in the 'burbs!


Charlie: [Urgently, trying to put her body between Pestilence and the rest of the party guests] No, the goats' heads! What are those doing at a child's party?!


Pestilence: What else would we wrap up for pass the parcel?


Sebastian: Now I really am disturbed. I knew that is what the goats head was for. Dur, I think I need my brain examined, stat.


Charlie: [Helpfully] Why not a laminated copy of the periodic table of elements, or perhaps a dictionary?


Alice: [To Dur] I'll get the probulator. [To Charlie] A dictionary? Do you want to scare these kids?


Austin : [In agreement with Alice] Perhaps she does not like children?


Charlie: [To Pestilence, ignoring Alice and Austin] You must hide these, quickly! It will frighten the children, not to mention their mothers!


Sebastian: Just mentioning the Periodic Table has already scared me. I'm a physicist not a chemist damnit! I'd rather play pass the goats head!


Dur: [Whispering to Alice] Better get the probulator ready nurse! EVERYONE knows the brain is in the bum!=


Harvey: Excellent suggestion, Doctor! Turn the probulator on the little blighters and see how they like that, eh?!?


Pestilence: [To Charlie] See? Even Mac likes it! [Sigh] Okay, okay, I'll put them away. Come on, let's go down and play pin the sword on the victim.

[The party head outside where the rest of the guests are. They are soon joined by GERTRUDE.]

Gertrude: [Looking over the party's outfits with a smile] Hi everyone!


Harvey: [Smiles at Gertrude] Aha! That's what we need - a good woman to liven this party up, eh? [Attempts to pinch Gertude's bottom]


Gertrude: [Jumps in surprise, but takes it good naturedly] Colonel! You are certainly feeling spirited today!


Charlie: [To Pestilence, relieved] Thank you, darling! [Suddenly realizing what he said] Wait, not a REAL victim, right?!

;;; Ack, Harvey is fondling Charlie's grandma!! : O


Harvey: [To Gertrude] Well, because you're here, what?

;;; The dirty old goat! (I mean Harvey, obviously!)


Gertrude: Why, Colonel Kingston-Short, I do believe you're flirting with me!

Pestilence: [To Charlie] Uh, no!

;;; Stuck in a meeting for the next 2.5 hours!


Charlie: [Gives Pestilence a big smile, clearly relieved] I never doubted you, beloved! [To Harvey, whacking him on the arm] Colonel, you WILL show Grandmother respect!


Harvey: [Winks at Gertrude, chuckling conspiratorially] I do believe I am, what? [To Charlie] I'll show her a lot more than that, by the saints!

;;; Out between 4 and 5.


Clint: Harv! What would your sainted wife, left alone with a large supply of young men interested in her outreach work, think?!


Harvey: Hmmm? What would she think about what?


Clint: Just in general, Harv. No pinching Charlie's grandmother!

;;; There. I've tried. Pinch away!


Charlie: [Raises an eyebrow at Harvey] Colonel, if you are not deeply alarmed by the fact that MR. SCAR is now providing you with moral correction, then you certainly should be! [To Clint, brightly] No offense! I know you cannot help the way you were raised.


Austin : [Delighting in the feel of the cuff of his jacket as he admires his suit] So, is everyone ready for the ceremony?


Clint: Sure. What, we pass around a chalice full of goat's blood and then play pin the sword on the victim?


Gertrude: Don't be ridiculous, Mr. Scar, there are children present. It's a sippy cup!


Charlie: [Forces a laugh] Oh, Grandmother! [To Pestilence, urgently] Darling, there will be no goat's blood involved in the ceremony, right?


Harvey: None that they'd tell you about, Private! [Grabs Gertrude's rump] Right, gorgeous?!?


Gertrude: [Playfully swats Harvey away] I think maybe you've been at the goat's blood, Colonel. [Looks him up and down] And you've certainly been working out!

Alice: [Looks at the others and does a "WTF" gesture to them, spreading her hands] Er, come on, let's go look at the goat's blood.

Pestilence: [Reassuringly to Charlie] No, there's no goat's blood in the ceremony! It's not even a ceremony really, just a bunch of kids playing games.

[The party head outside and see that there is what appears to be a pinata hanging up. It is in the shape of a man hanging from chains, who looks like he has been tortured. Rather surprisingly, the kids at the party seem to love it, and the air is filled with the excited squeals of children beating the daylights out of a papier mache torture victim that is spurting all sorts of red candies and sweets out of it.]

Alice: [To Pestilence] That's kind of an inappropriate pinata, isn't it?

Pestilence: It was either that or the blow up doll pinata.


Charlie: [Watching the pi=F1ata massacre with a smile. To Pestilence] Oh, darling! What a clever idea. It pays homage to your grisly heritage in a wholesome, safe way. A bit like Shallowteen!

;;; Shallowteen is Queens Viewian for Halloween,

;;; or so I'm told by the GM!


Alice: [Helping herself to some punch] I think it's very childish and possibly dangerous. [Eyes the pinata jealously]

;;; It's true!


Austin : [To Alice] Why don't you have a go, you might enjoy it! [Frowns] And since when did beating the juice out of a corpse class as childish?


Harvey: [Attempts to strike a heroic pose - fails. To Gertrude] You know it, eh, woman? This is what years on the field of battle does for you, protecting the Realms from all manner of demons, Care Bares and whatnot.


Alice: [Knocks back her punch like it's whiskey] I'll do it, but only to show you how childish it is, Austin. [Grabs a handy chainsaw and charges into the crowd of children] Yeeeeeha!

Gertrude: Charlie must be very proud to be in a party with someone so brave!


Charlie: [To Gertrude, modestly] Well, it's all about strong leadership, you know!


Austin : [To Charlie] Thank you. About time too. [Sips some punch]


Charlie: [Flattered] No, thank YOU, Mr. Sleaze. One doesn't wish to [finger quotes] toot one's own horn too often, you know!


Pestilence: Speaking of tooting horns... [gives an evil smile]


Harvey: Ha! [Grabs Gertrudes rump again] This saucy young minx can toot my horn as often as she likes!

;;; He's a classy guy!


Sebastian: Is letting Alice loose with a chainsaw in a crowd a children really a good idea?


Austin : [To Charlie] Well that's quite alright. I do hope that you have learned something from me during your time in the party. You too could make a good leader one day.


[ALICE returns, struggling back some tears.]


Charlie: [To Alice, sympathetically] What's wrong, dear? Will the others not let you play?


Austin : [Concerned] Oh what happened? [Gives Alice a pat on the back]


Alice: [Bravely choking back some tears] That kid [points at a particularly burly looking five year old] stole my saw!

[ESURION and ANA approach the party.]

Ana: Hi everyone! Isn't this a great party?


Harvey: Well. not if some brat is stealing my niece's chainsaw, no! [Begins to roll up his sleeves] Perhaps I should go and teach the little demon a lesson, eh?


Gertrude: That's okay, Colonel, I'm sure he'll share some of the candies with her once the pinata is broken.

Alice: [Sulkily] Don't want them now.

;;; Out for 1.5 hours!


Austin : [To Alice, smirking] Good, they are full of sugar, and bad for your teeth.

;;;awa hame, have a good, and virus free weekend!


Charlie: I quite agree! Alice, you have had quite enough sugar as it is. [Pats Alice on the head]

;;; You, too! : )


Dur: Nonsense! One can never have enough sugar! Everyone knows it's an amazing natural remedy for all sorts of ailments! Have as much as you want Nurs= e!


Sebastian: You should never deny a GIRL in love her sugar


Alice: [Touched at Sebastian's understanding] Actually, we call it Deuce Juice!


Dur: [Jaw hitching in horror] Unfortunately I can never UN-hear that! [Shudders] =


Harvey: [Confused] Why, does he dissovle it in something?

;;; Unfortunately, I can never un-READ that!


Sebastian: Yes he does Harvey, her perty little mouth [chuckles darkly]

;;; MUAHAHAHAHA I am so glad Conor knew what I was aiming at with what

Sebastian was saying! I WIN!


Alice: Huh? Why would he do that to his Bed Rull? [To the others] He likes the caffeine kick that gives him extra juice to do all his science and stuff work late at night.


Charlie: [Listening to the conversation, revolted] Do remember you ARE at a child's party!

;;; EW!


Alice: What? You're the one who was passing out dictionaries and [with horror] periodic tables!

Ana: [Looks at Charlie with disgust] Well, really.


Charlie: [To Ana, surprised] But don't you want your child to improve, uh-- [clearly guessing] his?--mind?!


Ana: Of course! But I also want him to have fun! After all, this is a .. a.. [to Pestilence] what is this again, Petsy?

Pestilence: It's a Mat Vitzbah. It's a traditional coming age ceremony where a demon kills their first virgin.


Clint: [Winces.] Ooh. Tough luck, doc!

;;; I fear that's it from me today. Due to people trying to graduate,

;;; I'm absolutely swamped.


Ana: [Looks at Pestilence for a moment, before laughing] Oh, you! [To Dur] Really? A virgin? I must introduce you to my sister!


Dur: [Chokes on a piece of kidney cake he just pulled from his pants] Whhhhaaaaatttt? [Nervously] Errr... Welll... Ummmm... Perhaps later!=


Charlie: [Forces a laugh] Yes, isn't he funny?! [Squeezes Pestilence's arm urgently] Now, what will we REALLY be doing, darling? Something terribly wholesome and safe, like enjoying another pi=F1ata??


Ana: [To Dur] Oh, that's fine. She won't be out of jail for another three to six months.

Pestilence: It's time for presents!

Alice: Yay! We get presents? Man! This is the best party EVER!


Charlie: [To Alice] For Will, not for you! [To Pestilence, relieved] Wonderful! What did we get her, darling?


Sebastian: [In a hushed voice to the others so Charlie doesn't hear] I wonder which of those poor kids is the intended virgin sacrifice


Harvey: [In a loud booming voice] Who cares, what?!? All I know is it's not *me*! [To Gertrude, leeringly] How about I save you from the prospect of being the virgin, eh?


Austin : Colonel, I think it more likely that Gertrude would be saving you, in that context.


Gertrude: [To Harvey] It's a bit late for that, Colonel!

[A huge cake is being wheeled out.]

;;; In and out all day today, so sporadic posting


Charlie: [Surprised] Colonel, really! She is my grandmother, after all! Surely implied in that is a loss of virginity. Oh, and also, DO behave yourself!


Austin : [To Harvey] Gertrude is a great grand mother, after all. Although I do agree, she most certainly does not look it.

;;;; me too


Gertrude: I may be a great grandmother, [good naturedly] you pair of whippernsappers, but I'm still a woman!

;;; Just what you want to hear your grandmother say!


Charlie: [Looks pained] Yes, but, grandmother! My colleague? And at your great-granddaughter's party?! Perhaps we should all enjoy some nice, wholesome cake?


;;; Drew is out today

Sebastian: Good idea! [Sizes up the huge cake, which is in the shape of a scary castle] Uh, nice cake, there, Pestilence.

[The children all gather around the cake, eyeing it greedily.]

Wilhelmina: I don't want those babies eating my cake!


Charlie: [To Wilhelmina, scolding] Will, dear, you must be a good hostess and share you cake with your guests. [To the other children] Please enjoy a piece of cake!


Last from Heather

Wilhelmina: No! No! Nooooo!


Charlie: [Shocked] Will! Do control yourself. There is more than enough cake for everyone.

;;; That's my three!


Dur: [To Will] Besides that, you can always hide some extra cake in your underwear and have left-overs when ever you like!


Charlie: [To Will] You are NOT to put cake in your underwear!


Clint: That's okay, kid, I'm sure Dur will share if you ask nicely.


Harvey: What if Gertrude here were to put her underwear in the cake?


Will: [To Dur] You're creepy! Mom says you're like a homeless person!

;;; End of scene, next one coming right up!


[Book VIII, Act VIII, Scene VIII. The Ruins of the Manor. ALICE, AUSTIN, CHARLIE, CLINT, DUR, HARVEY and SEBASTIAN are here, poking through the gate and into the main grounds. The bodies of MORKOFF and VIC have been searched and reveal nothing of interest. There are some remains of the party still in evidence, including the huge plate that the cake was on and some of the paraphernalia from the party games, such as part of the inappropriate pinata.]

Alice: Huh, I think I remember that cake. I bet it had something to do with what happened here -- I mean, Will did get a little weird about it, didn't she?


Dur: Indeed! Just before she told me what her mother really thinks of me! [Crosses his arms grumpily]


Charlie: [To Dur, laughing awkwardly] Er, children say this silliest things! [To Alice, defensively] The poor little dear was just a bit tired, that's all.


Clint: Ah, c'mon, Doc. Since when did you care about what other people thought of you? But yeah, wil was being kind of bratty. I figure it's normal kid stuff.


Alice: [Reassuringly] Aw! That's okay, Dur! [As nicely as she can] We all think that! Even Clint, and he smells even worse than you do! [Gives him a big thumbs up]


Alice: [Nods] It is. But she's not really a normal kid and [gestures to the ruins] I didn't create this kind of damage at one of my parties until I was eleven!

;;; Gone for an hour!


Charlie: [Looks around] Do be serious. Will couldn't cause this kind of damage. She's just a child.


Dur: [Pointedly] A DEMON-child.


Sebastian: [To Charlie at the same time as Dur] Not really Chuck. I mean, she is half demon after all. What's to say she didn't throw a huge tantrum and burn the house down when someone tried to take some of her cake?


Clint: And c'mon, Sarge, everyone knows that there's nothing as destructive as a kid on a sugar rush anyway!


Charlie: [Coolly] Certainly, she is a bit high-spirited at times, and, granted, she does not yet know her own strength. But she would NOT have destroyed her own home.


Alice: [Smiles] Ah, just what my mother said about me! [Thinks for a moment] Except with some stuff about me probably not being her real daughter...


Harvey: [Surprised] Really? Well, tell her she might not be your real mother, and see how she likes that, what!?


Clint: Yeah, but Wil really is Charlie's. Uhh... right, Chuck?


Charlie: [Haughtily] Of course!


Alice: [Points to a nearby glass house, that is completely smashed, but apparently untouched by the fire] Huh. What happened to that?


Charlie: [Alarmed] Let's take a look! [Goes toward the glass house]


[The place is a mess. Some of the glass has been broken from the outside, but some clearly from the inside, and the interior is destroyed, with broken plant pots everywhere. There's quite a bit of blood on the broken glass, but no obvious sign of any bodies.]

Alice: Uh oh! This can't be good!

;;; Another in and out day for me today


Austin : Especially if you are a plant.

;;;; and me too!


Charlie: [Snaps at Austin] You do realize that this blood could belong to someone in my family?!


Harvey: Possibly caused by a member of your family, what? Reminds me of when we were stationed in Zingbongaland - the pastime for the local tribes seemed to be to kill each other on a regular basis, what? We mainly just left them to it. Kept the population down, eh?

;;; Harvey on peacekeeping policy... It's a wonder he's not leading the UN!


Austin : [To Charlie] Yes I do realise that this blood could belong to a member of your family. This is the kind of thing that happens when you marry a demon, and hold a virgin sacrifice party for your demon daughter. What else did you expect?


Charlie: [Defensively] The pi=F1ata symbolically represented the virgin sacrifice, to be fair! [Looks around] Perhaps Pestilence took them all to safety? But where? And how did WE get separated?


Alice: [Appalled at Austin and Harvey] Yeesh! Just because she's married to a demon doesn't mean she doesn't care when members of her family die!


Sebastian: [To Charlie] Either the fire happened after we left, or we left once we knew everyone was safe. Why else would end up drunk and in our underwear on top of a mountain a week after the party?


Alice: Or maybe WE started the fire!


Harvey: [Considers this possibility, then shakes his head] Hmm, no I don't believe we're the sort of people who run around starting fires, what? No, Private Parker-Kensington's family seem like much more likely candidates for that sort of thing, eh?


Charlie: [Furious] Or perhaps the people who attacked us?! Need I remind you that almost my entire family was killed in a fire less than a year ago? And we did NOT start that fire, as you may also remember!


Austin : Indeed, we have done far worse. All with good reason, naturally. I am sure this is no different.


Alice: Harvey! Yikes! Do we need to get Dur to take out the Probulator again? I think you're being weird. [To the others] He's being weird right? I mean, everyone else remembers him and Gertrude, don't they?


Sebastian: [Scratching his head] Well there was that time on my 18th birthday I got drunk and tried to show off my abilities and accidently burned down where the party was being held


Harvey: [To Alice] My dear, Gertrude and I were simply, um, getting to know each other, what? Perfectly natural thing for two consenting adults to be doing, eh?


Alice: A lot more natural than not caring about the fact that the rest of Charlie's family might have been killed! [Starts looking through the wreckage]


Charlie: [Joins Alice in looking through the wreckage of the glass house] This is dreadful! I only wish I could remember something other than the Colonel's incredibly inappropriate behavior toward Grandmother!


Alice: Wasn't there another demon there? Esurion? Could she be involved?


Sebastian: Oh come on Alice, just because she is a demon doesn't mean she is bad. Maybe she is reformed like Pestilence.


Austin : In our extensive experience, Demons never reform, they just have ulterior motives that necessitate good behaviour for a period of time.


Dur: [Frowning] You say that as if you think all of us believe Petsy has truly reformed.=


Charlie: [Surprised] How can you say that? He has come such a long way in a very short time. AND without the benefit of a conscience!


Dur: No one here is questioning the distance he has traveled Charlie! We'requestioning his moral compass! It typically seems to point in a very diffe= rent direction than most people's!


Alice: [Holds up a severed finger] Uh oh! Anyone belong to this?


Dur: [Reflexively] Dibs! Errr... I mean... [Checks his fingers] Not mine!


Alice: Well, whatever happened in here was no accident. I mean, if it was, surely whoever belongs to this would have kept it?


Dur: Perhaps we should look for witnesses who may have seen what happened here?=


Harvey: Well, at present we only have one witness [Looks at the finger sternly] Now, if you don't tell us what you know, we'll put your todger in a floury bap and shout "Dinnertime, Fido!" [Pauses, then frowns at the party] Hmmm, we may need an alternative interrogation technique, what?


Austin : [To Charlie] True, Pestilence has come a very long way, but where is he going? You will live and die a normal human life span, but that of a demon like Pestilence will be very much longer I suspect. What will he be like in a thousand years from now?


Sebastian: Unless of course he takes out a separate insurance policy to prevent her death completely. He said the current one only covers untimely death right?


Austin : Perhaps, but surely he would need to make Charlie a demon some how. Perhaps he knows how to transfer souls from one body to another? [Shudders at the thought]


Charlie: [To Sebastian] He cancelled that policy, at my request. [To Austin, stubbornly] After I am gone, he will still have Will to look after, not to mention any grandchildren she gives us. He will NOT return to his former way of life.


Dur: [Exasperated] Unfortunately your refusal to look at the situation withan objective mind is far more dangerous than Petsy is at the moment. Perha= ps we should focus on the matter at hand. [Searches the area for more clues. Is there anyone on the streets?] =


haps we should focus on the matter at hand. [Searches the area for more clues. Is there anyone on the streets?]

Sebastian: Dur is right, this is a conversation for later, when Charlie isn't worried sick about the fate of her family. [Searches the debris] Would be nice though if we could remember what happened next after the cake.

;;; The way these scenes are happening is reminding me of Flash

Forward...only in reverse lol


[Alas, there is no one around. However, the manor is quite a bit out of town, so it isn't that surprising.]

Alice: [Nods at Sebastian's words] You're right. We've got to concentrate... concentrate... [tails off quietly] concentrate... concentrate...

;;; End of scene, next one coming right up


[Book VIII, Act VIII, Scene IX. The Manor. ALICE, AUSTIN, CHARLIE, CLINT, DUR, HARVEY and SEBASTIAN are here, along with PESTILENCE, WILHELMINA, GERTRUDE, HELENA and the party guests, about to cut the cake. Suddenly, the cake explodes, showering everyone in cream.]

Alice: What the hell kind of cake is this?


Austin : [Gasping at the state of his beautiful new suit] An exploding cream cake!


Dur: [Tasting a glob from his robes] Or at least we hope it's cream!


Charlie: [To Pestilence, wiping cake from her eyes] Oh, really, darling! We do have a cake server, you know!


Clint: [Looks pretty revolted at Dur's suggestion.] Lawyer, Doc, you guys want to tell us what this stuff is?


Pestilence: It wasn't supposed to do that!

[Enter SURYA AMBER, a Yellow Tie Guy that the party has clashed with in the past, leaping apparently from within the cake.]

Surya: For the Mother! [Swings his sword at Pestilence, barely missing]


Charlie: [Shrieks] Mother, Grandmother! Get the children out of here! [Tries to whack Surya with a chair]

;;; I'm assuming Charlie didn't bring a sword to the

;;; party?


Harvey: Gah! These blaggards again! [Draws his sword and attacks the YTG]


Sebastian: I hope everyone likes barbecue [aims Burning Hands at the YTG hopefully before Harvey reaches the YTG]


Clint: Sounds right up Dur's alley! [Looks around for a chair/plate/small child he can use to bash the YTG.]


Austin : [Looks at his suit in disgust. Shoots at the YTG] You will die for that!


Surya: You cannot defeat the --

[Much to SURYA's surprise, he is killed, through a combination of AUSTIN, SEBASTIAN, CLINT, CHARLIE and HARVEY.]

Pestilence: What the hell? I specifically told them no strippers in the cake!

[A wave of Yellow Tie wearing fiends leap from the cake.]

Alice: [Hysterically] The children! Won't someone please think of the-- [notices that the mothers, Helena and Gertrude have already got them out of the garden and back towards the house] Oh. I see. Let's kill these bastards!

;;; All but Charlie and Pestilence have weapons


Austin : [Shooting at the closest YTG] I have never seen such jealousy! Mind you, this was probably the most beautiful suit in the world! [At the YTGs] Die!


Alice: [Slicing into a YTG] What the hell is wrong you idiots?

[Amongst the YTGs are KWAME and WALTER, whom the party have clashed with in the past.]

Kwame: We must protect The Mother! Her virginity must be kept intact!

Pestilence: [Punches Kwame] This is Bodenringham Manor -- there're no virgins here!


Charlie: [Tries to whack Kwame with a chair] How does ruining our party help accomplish your paradoxical aims?!


Kwame: [Taking a smack of the chair] You cannot defile The Mother!

[YTGs keep pouring out of the cake, and the party engage them. Although they are doing well, they are being pushed back.]

Pestilence: You bastards! You're lucky I can't kill you!

Walter: You shall die for your sins!


Harvey: Hmm, later we'll discuss whether this "Mother" can also be a virgin, what? But now, die you fiends! [Attacks Walter]


Charlie: Where on earth are they coming from?! The cake isn't THAT big! [Tries to stab Kwame with a broken plate]


Walter: She hasn't given birth yet, you halfwit! [Receives a blow from Harvey, but strikes him back]

Alice: They just keep coming!

Pestilence: [Knocking two of their heads together] Bastards!


Charlie: [Tries to punch one of the hordes of YTGs. To Pestilence, reluctantly] Darling, I think perhaps it's time we made an exception to our earlier agreement! Stop them--by any means necessary!


Austin : [To Pestilence] There is an offer you don't get very often!


Pestilence: [With a smile] And I'm gonna make the most of it!

[PESTILENCE steps into the cake, from which the YTGs are still pouring, and emerges holding an orb.]

Pestilence: I take it that this is the way home? [Smashes it in his hand]

Kwame: [Startled for a moment] We will die happily if we prevent you from harming The Mother!


Charlie: Why do you think we wish to harm The Mother?


Kwame: Why else would you have this disgusting ceremony?

[PESTILENCE slices KWAME's head clean off.]

Pestilence: [With a smile] Because we like cake. [To the party] Kill them. Kill them all!

[The YTGs suddenly realize that they are at something of a disadvantage.]

Walter: Retreat! Retreat!

;;; Busy for next 1-2 hours!


Charlie: [Flinches at the sight of Kwame's decapitation] Don't let any of them escape, group! [Tries to grab a sword from a fallen YTG]


Harvey: Try to take some alive, Troop!


;;; By the way, might get pulled into a meeting


Sebastian: [Aiming Burning Hands at the retreating YTG's] Can't we all just get along? Nope!


Clint: With those idiots? Not a chance!


;;; That took a lot longer than expected!

[The YTGs beat a hasty retreat to the glass house, with WALTER slamming the door behind him as they get in.]

Walter: Hah! They'll never find us in here!


Clint: Hey, let's throw stones!

;;;; Juuuuuust occurred to me!


Sebastian: [Picks up a chair] Why just stones? [Throws the chair at the greenhouse]

;;; Going to be out til the afternoon sometime


Charlie: [Groans] Must you destroy our greenhouse?! We have them trapped now, and we can take them out one at a time to interrogate them!


[CLINT's stone smashes through the glasshouse and hits WALTER, also covering him with glass.]

Walter: Hey! That really hurt! Let's see how you like it! [Picks up a stone]

Alice: Careful! People in glasshouses shouldn't throw stones.

Walter: Oh, really? [Throws the stone at Clint, only for it to hit a pane of glass and rebound, striking him in the face] Ow!


Austin : [To Walter] Who is this 'Mother' you are wittering about and why on earth do you think that we want to harm her?


Walter: You can torture us all you like, but we'll never talk, never!

Pestilence: [With a grim smile] Challenge accepted. [Charges into the glasshouse and grabs Walter by the throat]


Harvey: Pestilence, make sure he's *able* to talk when you're done with him, eh?

;;; Now, when Harvey grabs someone by the throat

;;; everyone goes crazy but when Pestilence does it... ;)


Austin : [To Walter] Torture! Now there is a good idea. Although you could just tell us what you think we are doing that might harm your mother? [Shrugs] We don't even know who your mother is.


Charlie: [To Harvey, confidently] Don't worry, he knows what he's doing! [To Walter] Answer our questions at once, or there will be terrible consequences!


Walter: Help!

[There follows an orgy of violence in which PESTILENCE rips the remaining YTGs to pieces.]

Alice: Er, Is there going to be anything left?


Charlie: [To Pestilence, alarmed] Darling, stop! You must leave someone behind for us to question!!


[PESTILENCE keeps going, and soon they are all dead, but there's no sign of him stopping, and he continues to beat WALTER's skull to a bloody pulp.]


Charlie: [Horrified, rushes to try to stop Pestilence] STOP!


Harvey: Don't worry, he knows what he's doing!


Darby: [Who has crept up behind the party to watch] Oh dear! [To the party] I've seen this before! [Grabs Pestilence by the shoulder] Petsy! Stop!

[PESTILENCE instinctively turns and punches DARBY.]

Pestilence: Oops!


Austin : [Facing away from the carnage, fanning himself lightly with a pocket fan. To Darby] Where can you possibly have seen this before?


Dur: [Frowning] In my expert medical opinion... They all appear to be dead.


Charlie: [To Darby, worried] Are you all right? Oh, if only we had a doctor!


Darby: [Ignoring Austin] Oh, I'll be fine, it's just a slight break.

Alice: [Peers at Darby] And two black eyes! And a broken tooth, and, ew! A really, really unfortunate birthmark!

[DARBY bursts into tears.]

Alice: [To Pestilence] See what you've done!


Harvey: Indeed! How on earth did you manage to create such a hideous mutation as that birthmark, what?


Clint: [To Charlie.] Oh yeah, he's totally reformed!


Charlie: Colonel, please! Hasn't Dorrie suffered enough?! [To Pestilence] Darling, do apologize to this poor woman at once, and let us take her into Apraxia so that she can seek medical attention [takes a look at Darby] and possibly the aid of a plastic surgeon.


Darby: That's not a birthmark, that's my ear!

[Everyone leans and looks closely at her ear.]

All: Ew!

Pestilence: Oh, she'll be fine!


Dur: Yes, yes, but that is no thanks to you! [Tries to cast cure light wounds on Darby] I say Petsy, whenever you offer your brand of 'help' we some h= ow end up worse off than we started. Now how are we going to find out WHO the mother is with no living witnesses?


Clint: Hey, at least she's set for a visit from the tooth fairy tonight. That's got to be worth something.


Alice: [Shows Clint that she's snagged one of Darby's teeth] She's not the only one!

Pestilence: [Looks Dur up and down with an evil, smug grin, before turning to Charlie] That no killing rule, that's still gone, right?


Charlie: [To Pestilence, softly] No more killing, darling. [Looks around at the massacre unhappily and adds weakly] But thank you for helping us. [Briskly, to the party] Right, now let us get the children and their mothers safely home. I do believe this party is over.


Pestilence: [Gives Dur a smug look] As you wish, Darling. However, this party is only just getting started, isn't it, Darb?

Darby: [Weakly] Yes...


Dur: [Nervously] I don't like the sound of that...


Pestilence: We've still got Guess The Demon to play!


Charlie: [Excited beyond all reason] Ooooh, how wonderful! That sounds like SO much fun!


Pestilence: Yes! And then we've got some music! [To the party, seemingly strangely enthusiastic for a man covered in bits of body] You'll love this band!


Charlie: That's sounds marvelous! I-- [catches herself] --oh, what am I saying?! We cannot go on with games and music just now! We have a dozen frightened children and their mothers to worry about, not to mention [gestures delicately at the carnage around Pestilence] a bit of tidying up to do.


Harvey: [Frowning in concentration] Hmm, guess the demon eh? That's a tough one. [Points at Pestilence] Are you Wilhelmina?


Austin : [Looking a little pale] Will these demons be here in person?


Pestilence: No, I'm Pestilence. [To Charlie] But they're my favourite band, and I think everyone's going to love them!


Charlie: [Looks around uncertainly, clearly torn] Well, perhaps if we can manage to convince the guests that this was part of the party--like a little play?--and hide these corpses. . . .?


Pestilence: [Laughs at Austin] Only a few of them! Come on, gang, it's gonna be a hoot!

;;; End of scene, next one coming right up


;;; Back to the present again!

[Book VIII, Act VIII, Scene X. The Glasshouse. ALICE, AUSTIN, CHARLIE, CLINT, DUR, HARVEY and SEBASTIAN are here, searching through the rubble.]

Alice: Huh, it's all coming back to me now -- it was the YTGs that caused all the damage!


Dur: And Pestilence who caused all the blood.


Charlie: [Worried] But they didn't start the fire!

;;; Great, now that song will be in my head all day!


Sebastian: Anyone else finding it odd we seem to be having shared flashbacks of what happened? Okay fine, we get to remember what happened, but the same parts at the same time as each other? Something doesn't seem right.

;;; Getting that song stuck in your head is like losing The Game.

Totally random and annoying as hell


Dur: Perhaps we all drank the exact same amount and the memories are on a timed delay!

;;; Ack! Now I lost 'The Game' !


Alice: Or maybe we all drank different amounts, but actually exactly the same relative to our metabolic rates?

;;; She's right -- we all remember because we're talking about it!!


Austin : And what are the chances of that happening?


Charlie: And WHERE is my family now?


Alice: [To Austin] I'd give it about a one. [To Charlie] I don't know, but does this mean that two things happened here?


Harvey: Hmm, well, yes, I suppose it does, what? [Ticks off a finger] We had cake, [Ticks off a second finger] some people died, [Ticks off a third finger] and there was something about this fellow wearing a yellow tie, what? Hmmm... Now, where is that young maiden Gertrude, eh?


Alice: Are we going to have to give you a cold shower, Harvey? [To the others] Come on, let's see if we can get a look at the house and see where the fire started.


Charlie: Yes, really, Colonel! Your behavior toward my grandmother was most shocking!


Austin : [Sighs] That is pure unbridled hypocrisy coming from a woman who is boinking a three thousand year old demon, so can you stop whingeing about it [emphasises] please.


Alice: Don't be so ridiculous, Austin! He's not a three thousand year old demon, he's a two hundred thousand year old demon, and, in fairness, he's not a wrinkly like Gertie and [lowers her voice, but is still loud enough to hear] Harvey!


Charlie: [With a sniff] Actually, Pestilence is 200,000 years old, and the comparison is absurd. Harvey is a married man. Besides, it's icky to flirt with the grandmother of a colleague!


Alice: But Grandfather? Well, that's okay, [unsure] right?


Charlie: [To Alice, exasperated] No! [Briskly] Now, let us investigate this fire!


Sebastian: [Still searching the rubble of the greenhouse] Ok, we can assume for now Alice is right about the booze. How did the dimension orb get inside the cake to begin with? Did they just summon it there by chance, or was the one who baked the cake working with the YTG's and put the orb in there for them?

;;; Out in 45 minutes for about 2 hours


Alice: [Indignantly] Well, it wasn't so much a colleague as a friend! [To Sebastian] I bet the baker was in league with them. Any time we've dealt with orbs that help people jump through dimensions, the orb had to be present first, so someone put that orb there.

;;; She's right, the party's understanding is that orbs themselves can't travel


Sebastian: [To Charlie] Any idea what baker would have been used by Pestilence Charlie?


Charlie: [Sheepishly] Not really. He always handles the domestic side of things. Once we find him, he'll be able to help us track the baker down, though!


Austin : Perhaps the band that Pestilence hired was Sexy Penis, and the house merely suffered the usual consequenses of hosting one of their gigs?


Charlie: [Shakes her head] No, I doubt that. He doesn't care for them. [To the rest of the party] He finds them rather crude.


Alice: [Excited] Sexy Penis? Wow! Do you think so? Hey, maybe one of them made me pregnant!


Sebastian: I hope not given all of us having alcohol induced memory loss for a week. All that drink could have harmed your baby.

;;; Out for 2 hours


Charlie: [Firmly] No, I don't think so, as I said! Now, let us try to determine what started this fire!


[The front of the manor definitely has more damage than the back, so it appears as though there was a blast directed at it.]

Alice: Could it have been some sort of weapon? Fired at the manor?


Austin : [Considering the damage] A huge explosion perhaps, or maybe someone rammed into the front of the manor in a carriage full of explosives?


Charlie: [Unhappily] Yes, that could well be what happened. Perhaps the YTGs sent reinforcements?


Alice: [As the party step inside] Yikes! Look at this! [Points to blood all over the inside walls. Clearly, it has been wiped, but only to get away the most disgusting chunks]


Harvey: What the blazes happened here?


Austin : [Holding a handkerchief over his mouth and nose] It would take quite a few virgin sacrifices to produce this amount of blood!


Charlie: [Frantic] Does anyone see a body? Or bodies?!


Alice: Nothing! Whatever happened here, all the bodies are gone! Why on earth would someone do that? And why weren't we involved?

;;; Gone for the weekend!


Sebastian: What if we were? Think about it, guess the demon was the next game on Pestilence's list, and our clothes all had demon names on them when we got the carriage back today. What if we were here when everything happened?

;;; Can we tell how long it has been since the manor blew up?


Dur: [Thoughtfully] Could be. Whatever caused this much devastation could possibly account for our memory loss too... But then how did we end up so fa= r away from the manor...?


Clint: At least we know this time it's not our fault! Unless someone's been really holding out on the group, none of us can do this kind of thing.

;;; Whoops! Thought today was Saturday, for some reason.


Harvey: Hmm, well there was that incident with the curry - a Windaloo, wasn't it?


Clint: Hmm. That would also explain how we ended up so far away from the manor...

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Alice: At least it wasn't a Beentodaloo, Harv! [Looks up at the ceiling] Yikes, look at this. There's blood on the ceiling!

[It's difficult to tell how long it's been since the manor blew up, as there are still minor fires, but given the damage, it's reasonable to assume it was two days ago, which is when the party were there.]


Austin : [Ducks away from the blood. Deadpan] Perhaps it was an accident.


Alice: Mm-hm. What kind of accident do you think might have caused this, Aussie?


Charlie: [Smacks her head in frustration] Oh WHY can't I remember what happened here? And where on earth is my family?!


Alice: Do you think that'll help? I can do it too, if you think so. [Assumes a slapping position in front of Charlie]


Charlie: Though that is a tempting offer, I would prefer to do something a tad more constructive just now. Can anyone see anything that suggests a retreat in any particular direction?


Austin : [Takes a look around for foot prints or carriage tracks etc. To Alice] The kind of accident that involves a bunch of demons and a gaggle of virgins?


Harvey: Well, yes, of course, Private. [Squints at the ruins of the house] Judging by the damage... [Picks up a burnt piece of wood, examines it] I believe they may have retreated in a direction away from the house, what?


Alice: There does seem to be a lot more demons wandering around than previously. I wonder can they move in and out of our dimension more easily still?

[The only tracks seem to be some footprints leading to one of the rooms in the manor. There are several sets, including what appear to either be children's or those belonging to very small demons.]


Charlie: Perhaps Will led the other children to a good hiding place! [Follows the footprints]


[The party head to the room and stop in shock when they see a huge painting on the wall, which appears to be in blood. One one side are a number of figures, and the other, what appears to be a girl cutting someone's head off.]

Alice: Yikes! What the hell happened here?

;;; The wiki is now updated, and there's a "Useful Links" section on

the front page, with links

;;; to NPCs and events that are current. I'm in the process of

updating them, so some only

;;; contain section headings at the moment, but they'll still give you

some idea.


Charlie: [Gasps at the sight of the painting. Shakily] Well, obviously, it is too early to say what happened here, in any definitive sense! QUITE obviously, far too early! [Calls out] Will, darling?! Are you in here? [Looks around for Will or anyone else]


Alice: Actually, I think it is very obvious! Look, that guy fell down after his head fell off, and then someone waved a white flag!


Sebastian: Or someone threatened Will's friends and she cut off the attackers head to protect them. I guess spending time with Petsy while he "interrogated" suspects paid off. [Does the finger quotes when saying interrogated]


Austin : It is far more likely that this simply depicts Wil sacrificing a virgin.


Harvey: Hmm, well, yes I'm sure Pestilence would be proud, what?


Charlie: [To Austin, sharply] Will did NOT sacrifice a virgin!


Alice: [Points to the figure holding the axe] I thought that *was* Pestilence! [To Austin] She's right Aus. Everyone knows that Will wouldn't sacrifice a virgin because of the.. uh, the.. why is that, Charlie?


Charlie: [Firmly] Because she is merely a child! And Pestilence would never encourage such behavior in her.


Austin : Well, she is not merely a child, she is a demon. How old is she?


Alice: She must be several months old by now!


Charlie: True, is not ONLY human, and she has grown rapidly. That does NOT make her a killer. She has been raised to be an ordinary little girl in a loving, nurturing environment!


[There's a somewhat awkward silence.]

;;; End of scene, next one coming right up!


Dur: [Mumbling a bit under his breath] Sure, loving, nurturing, and MURDEROUS environment. Perfectly healthy for a rapidly growing demon child.=


[Book VIII, Act VIII, Scene XI. The Door of the Manor. ALICE, AUSTIN, CHARLIE, CLINT, DUR, HARVEY, SEBASTIAN and PESTILENCE are here, heading to the manor from the glass house. This action takes place immediately after Scene IX.]

Alice: Well, thank Phili all that's over. I don't think I could take much more excitement. [To Pestilence] Now, what's this ba-

[ALICE is rather rudely interrupted by a body being thrown out of the main door of the manor and landing right in front of the party. It is the remains of a YTG who has been ripped to shreds.]

;;; Here's where we left off:

;;; http://www.queens-view.com/Resources/curr.html#08.09.063


Austin : Hmmm, indeed, it is certainly nurturing. Look at the lovely paintings she does.


Charlie: Oh, NO! Hurry, there may be more of them! [Races into the manor]


Austin : [Following at a safe distance. Tuts] I am sure they will leave some for you!


Dur: [To the rest of the group as Charlie rushes ahead.] Are we rescuing Charlie's family from the YTGs or the YTGs from Charlies family?=


Harvey: Why, we're the dutiful peacekeepers, Doctor, rescuing everyone from everyone - especially themselves, what?!?


Pestilence: [Jogging past Dur, knocking off him as he does, and giving him a smile] Just as long as no one needs to rescue you!

[The party get to the door and are greeted by the site of at least twenty YTGs who have been killed in a gruesome fashion, mainly torn to pieces. There is blood everywhere, even on the ceiling. Sitting impassively on a convenient chair in the middle of all of them is ESURION, one of the mothers, buffing her nails.]

Esurion: [Giving a big smile] Hello everyone!


Charlie: [Looks around, horrified] What happened here? [Looks at Esurion closely] Are you all right? Where are the children?


Sebastian: Damn. Well at least it wasn't those cute fluffy Care Bares that got killed. [Looking around] Yeah, where are the children? [Suddenly sounds excited] That's it! That's why they attacked! The Mother is a virgin, and Will has to sacrifice a virgin! Makes total sense now. The YTG's think Will is going to kill The Mother.


Austin : [To Seb] Sorry to burst your bubble there, but a mother cannot also be a virgin. It's doesn't work like that.


Esurion: Maybe The Mother isn't a mother yet? [To Charlie] It's okay, when I saw the YTGs coming I sent them all to another room and tried to hold them off. All the children are just great.


Charlie: [To Sebastian, intrigued] How interesting! That would explain a lot, wouldn't it? [Quickly] Not that Will was ever going to sacrifice a virgin, naturally. [To Esurion, surveying the damage] My, you're quite powerful for a CPA, aren't you?!


Sebastian: Esurion is right Austin. She is not a literal mother, but the mother of the YTG's, appointed leader or whatever because of her purity as a virgin. Or however it is their system works.

;;; Just like when you call a priest Father in Christianity


Clint: Well, a normal mother can't be a virgin. But maybe those yellow tie freaks worship some sort of virgin mother?


Charlie: [Fascinated] Really? How strange! Perhaps it was an adrenaline rush? Or do demons produce adrenaline? Is this the first time you've noticed-- [catches herself] Well, I should like to ask you more about this momentarily, but first I really must check on Will!


Esurion: [To Charlie] Actually, I'm a whole lot more powerful than I would have thought. I'm rather surprised at what I could do to them. I wonder what happened.


Austin : [Nods] Yes, a good choice. Follow Pestilence's example and put your family before yourself for a change! Well done, you will be a mother yet!


Pestilence: [Grabs Austin] She always puts her family before herself. Don't you criticize her for putting the safety of the world ahead of her family.


Charlie: [To Pestilence, soothingly] It's all right, darling. His opinion of our private life is not important. Now, let us go find Will. She must be scared to death!


Austin : Surely the safety of the world is the safety of her family too? And I was not criticizing her for that, I really don't know where you get that idea from!


Clint: Hey now, don't go killing the lawyer. Sometimes he just can't help himself. Anyway, where's Will?


Pestilence: [Pushes Austin away] Yeah, sure.

Esurion: Oh, it's fine. There were twenty five of them here, I managed to kill them all, although I did get blood on my blouse. [Makes a cross face]

Alice: Uh... including the guy you threw out the door, there are only twenty four.


Charlie: [To Esurion, aghast] And you call yourself a CPA?! [Hurriedly goes to find Will]


Clint: [Scoffs.] Like a CPA needs to be able to count! As long as they can hide money from the revenue service...


Austin : CPA? What is a CPA? Child Protection Agent?


Charlie: [Shocked] Will?! [To Pestilence] Is this what was supposed to happen?!

Pestilence: [With a big smile] Huh, I thought it might, but I guess [nods at the YTG] he was a virgin!


Charlie: [Goes to hug Will] Are you all right, dear? You were terribly brave, defending your friends from that dreadful man. [Uncertainly] He WAS threatening you, wasn't he?

;;; OMG. How long have I been playing this game?!


Will: [Returns the hug] Sure!

Gertrude: [Gets to her feet] She saved us all, Charlie. He came in looking for The Mother, saying that she wouldn't be a virgin sacrifice.

;;; Tsk!


Austin : [Frowns as he straightens his jacket after being demon handled by Pestilence.] Thank goodness you are both alright! [Looks very relieved. To Will] Well done young lady.


Will: [With something of a smirk] Why, thank you, Austin. I'm sure it has something to do with my loving, nurturing, and [gives Dur a strange smile] murderous environment.


Harvey: Quite right, my dear! There's nothing like a bit of murdering to set the day straight! [Slaps Gertrude on the rump] Eh, my dear?

;;; Yeah, this is Harvey trying to not sound creepy or derranged!


Gertrude: Well, frankly, Colonel, I'd prefer not to have my Great Granddaughter's special day over run by a bunch of Yellow Tie wearing maniacs.

;;; I see! Hardly creepy or deranged at all!


Dur: [Looking rather nervous from Will's smile] Err... Well... Right... Uhhh... I'm just glad that everyone is ok...


Clint: Don't worry, you get used to this kind of crap after a while.


Sebastian: So [Looks to Pestilence] Guess the demon?


;;; No posts today, back to normal tomorrow!


Pestilence: Greatest party game ever! [Thinks for a moment and gives a strange smile] Well, maybe not ever, but good for a laugh!

Alice: Er, it is a bit weird that Will suddenly looks 13, right?


Charlie: [To Alice, nostalgically] They do grow up SO fast. When you are a mother, you'll see!


Austin : [To Charlie] I think she meant that Wil looks, and sounds 13, or more, but is actually only 6 months old.


Charlie: Yes, it is rather extraordinary, isn't it? [To Pestilence] Have you any idea why this ceremony accelerated Will's growth? I had thought it was simply a nice way to give her a little party!


Alice: Actually, Austin, what I meant was that although she's only about six months old, she looks and sounds 13.

Wilhelmina: It's the Mat Vitzbah, Austin, my coming of age.


Pestilence: [Proudly putting his arm around Wilhelmina] Yeah, I wondered if this would happen. I guess [nods at the body] he was a virgin. [To Wilhelmina] You didn't kill any other virgins, did you?

Wilhelmina: Nope, didn't kill any other [emphasis] virgins.


Charlie: [To Will, scolding] You mustn't joke about such things. It is a very serious thing to take a life. You must NEVER kill, unless it is in self-defense.


Harvey: Indeed, in self defense, what? Or when ordered to by your commanding officer, eh? Or if the individual in question is really annoying. Or foreign.


Charlie: [To Will, giving Harvey a dirty look] And do NOT listen to Uncle Harvey. Your father and I will teach you the proper way to behave.


Pestilence: [Nods at Charlie's words] We've got a big list of rules!

Wilhelmina: Sorry, Mother, I meant to say that I didn't kill any other virgins in self defence.


Charlie: [Beams and gives Will a hug] Well, all right, then! [To everyone present] Perhaps we should see to our guests and make sure no one was injured?


Harvey: [Beams as well] Excellent! [Pauses] Were they foriegn then?


Austin : [Relieved] Well, at least your Mat Vitzbah was a success!


Alice: [To Harvey] If they were foreign then, Harvey, wouldn't they still be foreign now?

Wilhelmina: [To Austin] And I'd like to thank you, Austin, you and the rest of the party. It wouldn't have been possible without you guys.


Austin : [To Wil] Well, it was no trouble at all. It was very good of you to sort out those YTGs for us. Your father and mother did the rest of the hard work.


Charlie: [Proudly] Very nicely said, dear. Now, let us send our guests home. I do believe they have had enough excitement for one day.


Wilhelmina: I don't know, Aus, Daddy was full sure that none of you would drink the goat's blood.


Austin : [Pales a little] We drank goat's blood? What purpose did that serve?


Pestilence: [Defensively] I thought it would be better than human blood!


Charlie: [Shocked] When did we drink goat's blood?! And why?


Austin : Why, that,... that is most considerate. Was it like a toast to Wil, or was there more to it than that. It is all very new to me!


Harvey: Surely we would have suggested wine as a viable alternative?


Pestilence: I'm sure you would, but how would we have established that the grapes were virgins? [To Charlie] Oh, it's just a demon thing, you know, play some party games, eat some cake, drink some blood, listen to some nice music, kill a virgin.


Charlie: [Rattled, but trying to understand] So you killed a goat, one that was a confirmed virgin, drained it of blood, then gave it to our guests to drink?!


Dur: And what did you do with the goat's internal organs!? Errr... And why do demon's kill virgins at their coming of age parties?=


Pestilence: [To Charlie, beaming] Yup! [To Dur] Ground them up to make a firming agent for the cakes. Now! [Claps his hands together] Who's ready for some music?


Sebastian: I'm still confused as to when we actually drank the goats blood. I'm not sure I remember having a single drink since we got here.


Alice: Oh, please, Seb. Are you really telling us that you're one of those losers who doesn't take a single drink even though he's been at a party for a few hours??

;;; It's safe to say that everyone at least sampled the punch over the course

;;; of the afternoon


Charlie: [To Pestilence, concerned] Er, what sort of music have you got planned, darling?


Sebastian: Of course not. I love a good sloshing. But then if it was in the punch that would explain why I can't remember. I always seem to be forgetful about drinking that stuff [Smirks]

;;; Yeah wasn't sure if the troop had even had time to stop for a

drink with having to get ready and everything else


Pestilence: Sexy Penis!


Clint: [Having learned from his mistakes, sort of.] Which one?


Pestilence: [Giddy with excitement] The good one!


Charlie: [Surprised] But I thought you said they were [finger quotes] crude?


Sebastian: Maybe crude is Petsy's kind of good?


Clint: [Not reassured.] Wait, are we talking the guy Sexy Penis or the girl Sexy Penis?


Last Drew #58

Pestilence: [To Charlie] No, no! You're thinking of Sexy Penis, I meant Sexy Penis.

[Everyone looks at him blankly.]

Pestilence: Well, if you want to be correct, I suppose it's [pronounced Sea Zee Pen Is] Sexy Penis.

;;; Gone for the day!


Harvey: Did we actually determine whether the girl Sexy Penis was a girl Sexy Penis?


Pestilence: Actually, they've changed their name to avoid all the confusion and double entendres.

Alice: What are they called now?

Pestilence: Cum stain.


Charlie: [Mortified, tries to cover Will's ears] But that's even worse! How did they ever conceive of such a sordid name?!


Alice: [Defensively] I think it's a great name!

Pestilence: What's wrong with it? It's just the first part of each of their names.


Austin : I believe that it is simply based upon the names of the towns that the two ladies are from.


Charlie: [To Pestilence, in a low voice] Remember that lovely grey suit I had PLANNED to wear to the faculty mixer last month. . . ?


Pestilence: [Happy smile] Yeah... [looks shocked] Oh. I see. That's very unfortunate, [sniggers] although, kinda funny. [Looks out the door] Is there a cum stain here?

[A male voice answers.]

Voice: Not yet.

Alice: [Looks excited] Could it be....?


Charlie: [Hopeful] Oh, will I finally be accorded the opportunity to [finger quotes] rock?! [Looks out the door]


[Standing outside are four naked men holding drums, WILLEM POLE, PETER DONG, RICHARD SHAFT and PETER LONGFELLOW. They are Sexy Penis, the rockingest all naked band in the Realms, and, without question, everyone's favourite band and party animals. This is a big moment for everyone.]

Alice: I don't know whether to faint or throw my underpants at them!

;;; Out for TWO hours!


Charlie: [Ecstatic] How thrilling! [Fusses with her turtleneck] Oh, WHY didn't I wear a shirt I could unbutton slightly?!

;;; That's my three!


Austin : [To Sexy Penis, with a huge smile] Gentlemen, please come in. Unfortunately I am not your host, [Gestures to Charlie] she appears to be momentarily start struck. I expect you get that all of the time? [Shows them in] Do come in and make yourself at home, I expect that you may want to do a sound check? Just ask me if you need anything.


Sebastian: [Excitedly] This party just got even better!

;;; Only post from me for today I'm afraid. See you all tomorrow


Willem: [Completely naked, hugging Austin] Thanks, man, that's real cool of you. Real cool. [Flashes his million GP smile at the room] Me 'n Dick 'n the two Peters, we've got a few tunes we think you'd like.

Pestilence: [Appalled] Hey! You're not Penny and Isobel! I thought I was going to see A Big Fat Cock! [To the room] It's a lovely song about a rooster who learns that it isn't nice to eat all the grain.

PeterL: [Who clearly has an enormous erection] Aw, that's totally schwa. Sorry, man.


Austin : [To Peter] No need to apologize! That is a fine display, you should be proud! [To the party] Perhaps we should all take our clothes off, to get into the spirit of the party?


Charlie: [To Austin, uncertainly] Is that really the protocol in this situation? It seems a bit extreme. Could we not just shed our cardigans?


Harvey: Heh! Me and Gertrude don't mind, do we, eh?

;;; That's about it from me until Wednesday! (Off to the land of

Scots for the bank holiday)


Austin : [To Charlie] Come now, we were all born naked [Glances at Charlie's cardigan] As far as I know, at any rate. [Smiling, to the party and guests] And, we should be comfortable with our bodies in their natural form!


Gertrude: [Already with her top off, addressing Harvey] Sure!

Willem: [To Austin] Now, you're the kind of guy we want to party with!

Pestilence: [Clearly devastated at not getting to see Cum Stain] So we're not going to get to see Lots of Secs? About a sprinter who is trying to to lose time? I was hoping Will would get to see Lots of Secs.


Austin : [Stripping off, carefully folding his clothes as he does so. To Pestilence] Sorry old chap, but we will just have to make the most of what we have, and have fun!

;;;;awa hame


Charlie: [To Pestilence, comfortingly] Poor darling. Would you feel better if I exposed myself publicly? [In a low voice] I'm wearing my frilliest underwear!


;;; Enjoy your holiday, John! : )


Pestilence: I suppose it wouldn't hurt to let the adults watch. I'll take the kids to the summer lodge, they'll be away from all the smut there.

Wilhelmina: I want to see the naked guys!


Charlie: [To Pestilence, delighted] That's a wonderful idea, darling! [To Will, soothingly] Now, dear, you are growing fast, but still a bit young for [finger quotes] naked guys. Enjoy your childhood, and go play with your friends!


Wilhelmina: [Angrily] They're not my friends, they're just a bunch of babies! I hope they all die! [Storms off] Fine! You all go and have a great time and forget about me!

[Exit WILHELMINA, as all the kids start to cry.]

Alice: [To the kids] Oh, stop, she didn't mean you.

[All the babies stop crying.]

Alice: [To one particularly ugly one] Well, she might have meant you.

[The ugly kid starts to cry.]


Charlie: [Laughs awkwardly] Teenagers! [To Pestilence] Have fun with the children, darling. I'll join you in just a little while.


Pestilence: Will do -- and no waking up naked hundreds of miles away with tattoos. [Wags a stern finger at Willem] I've heard about your after parties!

;;; End of scene, next one coming right up


[Book VIII, Act VIII, Scene XII. The Manor. ALICE, AUSTIN, CHARLIE, CLINT, DUR, HARVEY and SEBASTIAN are here, along with GERTRUDE and the other mothers, standing in front of none other than Sexy Penis, who have erected the largest sound system ever seen. Off to one side is a table laid out for the after party. It contains fruit punch, some sandwiches with the crusts cut off, several doilies, some tattoo needles and just about every drug imaginable. WILLEM steps up to the front, and starts to speak, but is immediately drowned out by some high pitched hysterical screaming.]

Alice: [To Harvey] Yeesh, Harv! Give them man a chance!

Harvey: Sorry, Alice, I was just excited, what!

Willem: Here's a little song that I know you're going to like.

[In one smooth motion, the drums are hammered with sexy penises. The sound system explodes, the manor is destroyed, and the after party is legen -- wait for it...]


[.. wait for it ..]


[ -- dary!]

;;; End of scene, next one coming right up


;;; This scene takes place immediately after Scene 10, and we're now back

;;; to the normal time. Everyone remembers pretty much everything up to the

;;; concert, but it all gets hazy after that. Each PC can conjure up two

;;; embarrassing memories of other PCs -- nothing too crazy -- but do

;;; try to play along and have your character remember it.

;;; I'll do an example below. Try to have them suggestive rather than

;;; absolute.

[Book VIII, Act VIII, Scene XIII. The Manor. ALICE, AUSTIN, CHARLIE, CLINT, DUR, HARVEY and SEBASTIAN are here, looking at WILHELMINA's picture.]

Alice: Wow, so I guess we've finally pieced it all together. That's that, then.

;;; John's in Scotland!

Harvey: Not quite, Niece. I seem to have a memory of you and Gertrude doing something, er, unusual with a cucumber sandwich.

Alice: [Defensively] Hey! She said her back was hot and I wanted to cool her down with the slices. Anyway, [accusingly points at Charlie] Charlie's the one who had the tattoo gun or needle, or whatever the hell it was, and [points at Austin] you're the one who was in that bed with Peter!


Charlie: [To Alice] I merely provided a much-demanded service, if you'll remember! [Puts on a crazy squeaky voice] Do me! Do me! I want kitty whiskers! [Looks at Sebastian pointedly] At least I did not make a [finger quotes] Mommy sandwich, and right on the rare Meropisian rug!


Alice: [Scornfully] That doesn't even sound remotely like Austin!


Austin : And it was not. [To the others] I advise you all to curtail your slanderous accusations, lest legal action be pursued.


Sebastian: I did? [Grins] Who did I have a mommy sandwich with? But hey, at least we know it was simply an awesome sound system that caused the Manor to explode


Alice: [To Austin] You're talking big for a guy who was seen naked with Willem!


Charlie: [To Sebastian, relieved] Yes, and presumably my family is safe and sound. [Looks around at the wreckage with a sigh] Though the manor will have to be rebuilt, yet again! [Primly] On the bright side, at least I conducted myself with dignity last night, unlike the rest of you!


Harvey: [Guffaws] Weren't you the one who kept telling everyone that you'd been Petered?


Austin : [To Alice] Well it sounds like you were enjoying watching me. [To Charlie] I suppose that depends on your definition of dignity, lady whip!


Alice: I always enjoy watching you humiliate yourself, Aus.


Charlie: [To Austin, appalled] I would never employ a marital device outside of the presence of my husband!


[Enter PAUL "PINKY" PINKMAN, a minion of PESTILENCE's. He is quite out of breath.]

Pinky: Oh, man, there you are! Is everyone okay?


Charlie: [To Pinky] Yes, we are, but where is Mr. Sotot and the rest of my family?


Austin : [To Alice] Well I had a great time, and did not find it at all humiliating. You really should stop reading those trashy teen magazines, and broaden your mind with a wider world view. [Chuckling to Charlie] Who said that you were employing the device? [Smirks] It's the first time that I have heard them called devices, [Ponders] Although in this case, 'whip' and 'drum stick' may be an appropriate.


Sebastian: [To Charlie] And don't forget you were itching to be in nothing but your frilly underwear before they even started playing.


Charlie: [To Sebastian, with a sniff] I merely offered to comfort my husband in his time of distress, as you may remember. [Smugly] And what about when you leapt up on the stage and proclaimed yourself to be The God of Love and demanded that we repent or be smitten with your Rod of Redemption?


Alice: [Smiles smugly at Austin] Ooooh! If you insist, Aus, but you know, I suppose you not remembering is your mind's way of protecting you!

Pinky: Everyone is back in Apraxia -- they had to move there once the party got too noisy. [Gives Clint a wink] How're you doin'? [Does a finger gun to Dur] Click-click!


Sebastian: [To Charlie while smirking] I can't help it that I'm more honest than usual when I'm drunk and having a good time


Austin : So you have been lying to us a lot?


Sebastian: Nope. I'm honest by nature, I'm just more honest when I'm drunk


Alice: [To Austin] More of his lies?


Charlie: [To Pinky] Did Mr. Sotot ask you to come looking for us?


Sebastian: [To Alice] Would you believe me if I said I always lied?


Alice: No.

Pinky: Yes, I've got a carriage outside.


Clint: And if he did, are you sure he didn't want the other Queen's View party, amusingly misnamed to cause as much confusion as possible?

;;; Ugh. Sorry about yesterday. Just kind of never woke up. It was awesome!


Charlie: [To Clint] Do stop teasing Pinky. [To Pinky] Wonderful, we shall go with you at once! [To the party] Come along, group!


Pinky: The cross dressers? [Laughs] Yeah, they're just great! But nah, he means you lot. [To Alice] I mean, you are a man, right?

Alice: [Enraged] No!


Harvey: [To Pinky] So, this party with Sexy Penis, was it really all that crazy?

Pinky: Colonel, Sexy Penis said that partying with you guys was the highlight of their career!

[Exit ALL, towards PINKY's carriage.]

;;; End of act, next one coming right up