Book VI, Act VI

[Book VIII, Act VIII, Scene I. The Ballroom. ALICE, AUSTIN, CHARLIE, CLINT, DUR, HARVEY, GUBBINS and SEBASTIAN are here, having appeared in mid air over what appears to be a stage. Instinctively, everyone grabs onto the closest thing in reach, with the result that they are all hanging high above the stage. Down below there room is crammed with what appear to be HARMA agents. On the stage is JOE NUNPAR, the hated leader of HARMA.]

Joe: And the nominations for this year's Most Extreme Excessive Force Against a Helpless Individual Awards are.... [drum roll] Tompars Paris, for The Convent Schoolgirl Raid [applause from the crowd] Choco-Latay, for the Shady Pines Retirement Massacre [more applause] , Barry Goodbar for punching a nurse in the back of the throat [some fairly unenthusiastic applause] and Tompars Paris again, for The Kindergarten Uprising. [Tremendous applause]

;;; Out for an hour!


Charlie: [Looks down at the stage in disgust, dangling from a rope. In a loud whisper, to the party] What on earth is this?! Some vile awards ceremony for HARMA?!


Austin : Oh, the chance of a lifetime. To land on Nunpar's soft head and crush him to death! [Ponders] I should savour the moment.


Sebastian: So, hasty and tactical escape, or shall we just go crazy and attack? [Grins mischievously at the thought of killing HARMA people, then wonders if now he is home he can get magic to work again, and use it against them] Oh the possibilities!


Clint: [Already climbing.] There's nothing wrong with mindless violence, but we're kind of outnumbered here!


Dur: [Also climbing] That's assuming we even survive the fall.


Gubbins: [Also climbing] I am guessing we don't believe Nunpar's earlier declaration of mutual admiration and need and that he would kill us just as soon as he realises we are here? [Looks down to make sure he hasn't]


Alice: We don't believe ANYTHING Nunpar says!

[The band plays "Old MacDonald" as TOMPARS comes bounding onto the stage, pausing to do a pretend whack every time the tune calls for an XX here or an XX there. JOE hands him his Harmie, a gold statue of an adorable unicorn.]

Joe: Well done, Tompars!

Tompars: I don't know what to say [sniffs back a tear] I promised myself I wouldn't cry!

;;; Stuck in a teleconference for 1.5 hours. Depending on how little

I'm needed, there may be posting!


Charlie: I believe that he was likely telling the truth, but I don't think he would hesitate to put us back in prison, especially with so many HARMA officials watching!


Harvey: Perhaps Private Scar should create a distraction by mooning the enemy while we make our withdrawal.

;;; Sorry folks - got a little busy here.


Austin : Or dropping onto Nunpar's head. If he dies, the rest of them will probably faint, or collapse in tears.


Alice: Let's just get the hell out of here, they'll be enraged if we mess up their little party.

[Riiiii-iiiip! The curtain starts to tear, and the party are far from anything stable.]


Clint: [Climbing faster now.] Move it, guys! Don't make me come down there and rescue you!


Charlie: [Starts scrambling upward] Right behind you, Mr. Scar! [Wrinkles her nose] But not following too closely, of course.


Sebastian: Damn it Clint, I'm a magic wielding physicist not a mountaineer [Climbs up the curtain as quickly as he is able]

;;; Sorry couldn't resist the Star Trek humour there


Dur: What are we climbing towards?


Harvey: Why, the top of this curtain of course! Why, what could possibly go wrong?


Alice: [Points at where a huge rip is appearing] I think we're going towards that!

[The rip gets huge, sending the party plummeting down.]

Tompars: Tonight is a testament to how indestructible HARMA is. It - [looks up] Oh.

[Splat. The party land on TOMPARS.]


Gubbins: [Still climbing] Isn't "run up the curtains" an expression for something else?


Dur: [Groaning] Did we at least kill him?


Sebastian: Ugh! I think I broke something [Groans and reaches under him to pull out Tompars award] Oh dear

;;; And now Lord of the Rings humour lol (the carrot in case you didn't getit)


Austin : [Considers the broken award] I guess a unicorn without a horn, is just a pony.


Alice: Actually, I think you'll find that it's called a nonicorn!

Joe: [Crawling to his feet, having been caught on the periphery of the collapse] No! It's still a unicorn, still a beautiful and magical creature!


Charlie: [Pulls herself to her feet. To Joe, brightly] Right, sorry to interrupt your lovely ceremony! We'll be going now, and let you get back to this celebration of brutality!


Gubbins: [Gets to his feet, rubbing his bruised behind] Yes, sorry and all that. Didn't mean to drop in.


Joe: [Clenches his fists in rage] How DARE you interrupt our Philimas party? How DARE you? Do you scum have anything to say for yourselves?

Alice: Is it really Philimas already? Cool! It is the season of goodwill and all that! Happy Philimas, Joe! What do you say? Will we put aside our differences for one day? Play a game of soccer across the trenches?

[Bang. JOE punches ALICE hard in the face.]

Alice: Ow! That's the second worst Philimas present I've ever gotten!

;;; Lose 3hp Alice.


Gubbins: [Looking around to gauge exactly how vastly outnumbered the party is] I say, Nunpar, steady on.


Charlie: [To Joe, furious] You brute! Do you really think we would have chosen to attend this ghoulish affair, had we any choice?! We're leaving now, and you can get back to more of your usual self-congratulatory nonsense! [To the party] Exit stage left, group!


[There are at least two hundred HARMA officers in the crowd and, although their credibility is somewhat undermined by the fact that they're all wearing party hats, the party are clearly vastly outnumbered.]

Alice: [Looks at the crowd] Why the hell aren't they wearing any clothes?

Joe: No one knows how to turn the thermostat down and the windows don't open.

[There is definitely an exit on either side of the stage, so the party can make a break for it that way rather than fighting their way through the almost naked crowd of HARMA officers.]


Charlie: Briskly now, group! [Tries to exit stage left. Briskly.]


Alice: Let's go! [Charges after Charlie] Ah, this reminds me of my showbiz days... Producers sneaking me out the backdoor after taking me in the backdoor!


Charlie: [To Alice, scolding] We haven't time to discuss your alarming self-esteem issues just now. Hurry now, group!


Sebastian: [Looking at the naked crowd, he shudders] You know, I can't seem to to shake this feeling of deja vu [Exits stage left]

;;; Have to head out so this may be my only post for the day


Dur: [Raises his eyebrows in alarm looking between Sebastian and the crowd of naked people] Too much information!


[The party dash off the stage and into what looks a warren of doors, in a corridor full of performers waiting to go on stage. They include magicians, singers, exotic dancing girls and all sorts of weirdoes.]

Alice: Which way?


Clint: [Busily eying the dancing girls.] Now let's not be hasty here...


Charlie: [Grabs Clint's arm and pulls him along] Mr. Scar, do hurry! If we end up in prison again, you might end up being the cheap painted tart of some burly man yourself!


Alice: I don't know, Charlie, there's a lot to be said for it!

[The party push their way passed the showgirls and other various showbiz types, eventually coming face to face with a very sulky looking BARRY GOODBAR, a HARMA officer that they have encountered in the past. Unlike the other HARMA officers, he isn't wearing a party hat but is fully clothed. He is standing right in front of a door that has "Do Not Enter" written on it.]


Clint: [Nonchalantly.] So they're not letting you even attend the awards ceremony, huh? [Shakes his head sadly.]


Barry: [Defensively] This is more important than an awards ceremony!


Dur: More important than free food and nudity? [Scoffs] Doubtful.


Barry: [Scoffs even louder] Uh-huh!


Dur: What could possibly be more important?


Clint: Yeah! Especially when you've got Nunpar himself handing out awards!


Barry: You might think that, but this is a reward in itself, being allowed to guard the-- [looks behind the party] hey! What's all the commotion there?

[A bunch of angry, naked, yet strangely festive looking HARMA Officers are heading this way.]


Dur: [To Barry] Sheesh! What did you to piss all of those naked HARMA officers off?=


Charlie: [Nods emphatically. To Barry] Yes, you really should sort that out at once. One doesn't wish to be passed over for promotions and such, after all. Well, we'll just be going, then! [Tries to open the Do Not Enter door]


Barry: But I didn't do anything! I couldn't see anything from the tree!

[CHARLIE opens the door and the party pour in, but BARRY turns and smashes her over the head with a club, knocking her to the floor.]

Barry: Hey! Stop that!

[The party are large room with a glass case in the middle, which is roped off. The case is about two foot cubed, and a small circle has been cut out of it.]


Harvey: [Drily] Yes because this room is so secure and no one can be allowed in right?


Alice: Or out! [Looks down at Charlie] Uh oh, that doesn't look right!

[CHARLIE looks quite dead.]

;;; She was on 2hp!


Sebastian: Oh hell! [Crouches quickly and touches Charlie] Hopefully this will help. [Casts:] . Please let it work.


Austin : [Agast and shocked, to Barry] You murdered Charlie!


Barry: I didn't mean to kill her, I only meant to hurt her!

[SEBASTIAN tries his spell, but alas, poor CHARLIE is no more. Meanwhile, hundreds of naked HARMA Officers appear at the door.]

;;; David is out this week

Gubbins: [Points to the open tile in the roof] Quickly, up there! It's our only chance!


Austin : Allow me! [Tries to get out through the roof and then help the others up]


[Unfortunately, it's too high up, but, just as all seems lost, a rope drops down from above the ceiling.]


Austin : [Sighs and starts climbing the rope] One of these days, just one, we will be organised and in control.


Alice: [To the HARMA officers] You murdering bastards!

[Follows AUSTIN up the rope. Up above, in the roof is LOUIS PEROT, somewhat sleazy looking man in his mid forties.]


Louie: [Gives Austin a big smile] Sleaze! Are you here on a job?


Austin : Louie! Good to see you! [Looks down and helps Alice] No we are not here on a job, unfortunately, but it looks as if someone else was. What was in the case [Points down to the case with the hole cut in it]


Louie: [Pats his pocket with a big smile] A little something for another job. Maybe you and your crew could help? But for now, let's get the hell out of here!


Harvey: Excellent, another opportunity to get ourselves slaughtered.

;;; RIP Charlie?


Louie: [To Harvey] No way, I never take any chances! [Suddenly fixates on Alice and moves close to her] Say, would you be interested in selling your hair? [Fingers Alice's hair appraisingly]

;;; {sniff!}


Alice: Uh, well, I guess I suppose that depends on how much you'd be - hey! Hands of the merchandise!


Dur: [Ties the end of the rope to Charlie's corpse so they can haul her up after them] Hopefully she's only mostly dead but still slightly alive. We n= eed a miracle!


[Unfortunately DUR is swept up in a tide of naked HARMA officers, party hats and penises, and can't get the rope tied around CHARLIE. However, he does manage to grab onto the end and is pulled to safety along with the rest of the party.]


Louie: OK, we'd better get moving!


Dur: What about Charlie! I don't think leaving her behind is a good idea...


Alice: Oh, man, Pestilence is gonna be pissed!


Harvey: So, no different to his normal temperament then?


Louie: [Intrigued. To Austin] So, you people really DO know Pestilence! You wouldn't happen to have any of his sex-soiled bedsheets, would you? There are a lot of sickos out there willing to pay big money for that kind of thing!


Alice: [To Harvey] Uh, I suppose. [To Louie] No, no bedsheets, just a few flo- I mean, hey! What the hell is wrong with you? You pervert!


Louie: [Shrugs] Hey, I didn't create the market. I just supply it! Come on, let's get back to my room before HARMA finds us.


[The party climb out an air vent and into a hallway, before heading to Louie's room, #666.]

;;; End of scene, next one coming right up


[Book VIII, Act VII, Scene II. Room #666. ALICE, AUSTIN, CLINT, DUR, HARVEY, GUBBINS, SEBASTIAN and LOUIE are here, having just arrived. The room is a surprisingly spacious and well appointed affair.]

Alice: Wow, I can't believe they killed Charlie!


Louie: [Snorts] I know, how humiliating! Can you think of a worse way to go?! That guy must have been a real saddo to get himself killed by those incompetent morons!


Austin : [Looks sad and vengeful] We should tell Pestillence imediately, he will sort out the HARMA.


Sebastian: [Sadly] And I never got to read her paper she wanted me to read. [Glares at Louis] Charlie was no saddo, and very much a lady, not a guy, as you so uncouthly put it.


Austin : [To Louis] She was already close to death before the HARMA scum clubbed her to death. [Looks at the others] We sustained some greivous injuries from the Painbow.


Alice: [Also glares at Louie] Yeah! [Rubs her temples] Yeesh, I have a real pounding headache all of a sudden.

;;; Unless you've heard otherwise from me, so too does your character,

and it's getting worse....


Sebastian: [Begins rubbing his temples too] Must be catching Alice, because I have one now too


Louie: [To Alice, patting her on the head] That time of the month? Why don't you go rest, and let us guys talk about how we're gonna avenge poor old Charlie's death by stealing some really choice items off of HARMA?


Alice: Get away from me, you weirdo! I'm not selling my hair and that's the end of it!

;;; Out for about an hour


Dur: [Rubbing his own temples] My head hurts so bad I am contemplating brain surgery on myself! Now where did I put that scalpel... [Rummages through = his bag]


Louie: [Looks around at everyone] What the--?! How can you ALL have headaches? [Sniffs the air] Aw, jeez, are we being gassed?


Sebastian: [To Louis] You mean you aren't getting one?


Louie: No! Could you have been poisoned, maybe? In my experience, that also comes with crippling stomach cramps, soon to be followed by violent bouts of vomiting and/or diarrhea. Anyone feeling stomach cramps? Anyone?


Dur: [Cringing] Perhaps it is our mental anguish at allowing Charlie to be murdered! [Brandishes his scalpel] Aha! Ok group line up for your labotomy = and have you insurance cards ready! [Points his scalpel at Louie] I'll do yours for free!=


Austin : [Wincing in pain] No, not yet? Where is the toilet, just in case?


Harvey: Perhaps it's just a hunger pang, what?


Clint: [Alarmed.] You keep that knife away from me, Doc! I need to live long enough to get payback!


Sebastian: If we are all [Looks at Louis] well nearly all, are being affected at the same time, I think finding the cause would be more prudent that cutting our heads up dear doctor


Alice: [Clutching her head] Maybe it's being caused by the only person who isn't in pain?


Louie: [Defensively] Hey, I just saved your necks!


Sebastian: Yeah Alice, stop being so suspicious. He might be pervy over your hair, but that doesn't make him a bad person. [Picks something up that looks like it would hurt] Would it make you feel better if I smack him upside his head so he has a headache too like the rest of us? [Begins to whince in pain as the headache really takes hold. He never did deal with pain all that well. Looking to the rest of the party] It is just Louis without a headache right?


Clint: Just don't try selling them and we'll be good!


Alice: I don't know if it'll make me feel better, but it might wipe that smug look off his face!


Sebastian: Okay [Swings for Louis' head with whatever it was he picked up]


[SEBASTIAN grabs a lamp and swings at LOUIE, but just misses. There is a sudden hammering on the door.]


Louie: [Scowls at Sebastian] Watch it, buddy! [Nods at the window] I suggest we take this outside, before HARMA breaks down the door!


Harvey: Well, I just hope they're dressed now. [Glares at Louie] And we'll talk more of this business of the headaches later, young man.


Clint: [Wincing from the headache.] Whatever. Let's just get out of here!


Sebastian: Yeah I agree, out the window


[LOUIE opens the window and gets a face full of torrential rain. It is absolutely lashing out there, possibly the worst rain that anyone has ever seen.]

Alice: Ew! I'm not going out in the rain!


Louie: Suit yourself! [Climbs out the window]


Alice: Come on, how bad can it be?

Gubbins: There are three hundred naked HARMA members out there, wearing party hats and wanting to beat you to death with their truncheons.

Alice: [Tries to squeeze out passed Louie and fails] Let me outta here!


Austin : [Sighs in pain] It would be so much better if they just took off those party hats. [Will follow out of the window once the way is clear]


Alice: Or adjusted their position!

[Everyone clambers out the window onto the fire escape. The party appear to be on the second floor, although it is raining so hard it's difficult to see. They are clearly in a city, but again, the rain is so heavy it is impossible to make anything out.]


Austin : [Clutching his head, looking at the crazy rain] Hurry now Mr Scar, Mr Rag! You'll miss your annual wash!


Louie: [Trying to shield his eyes from the rain] Try to find the ladder! [Feels around the fire escape for the ladder]


Alice: That's not the ladder, you idiot, that's my left boob!

;;; It's not, of course, it's the ladder!


Louie: [Squeezes the ladder appraisingly] Nah, you weren't that bony. I've got the ladder. Guess someone else has your boob! [Tries to climb down the ladder]


Harvey: Mr Rag you will behave yourself this instant!


Alice: Aw! Thanks Louie! It's okay, Harvey, I think that might have been my hand!

[LOUIE climbs down the ladder, slipping a few times, but not falling. ALICE follows him down, struggling to cling onto the wet rungs.]


Harvey: [Pauses] Why the blazes- um, perhaps it's best I don't know any more about that, what? [Hastily tries to climb down the ladder]


Austin : [Climbs down after Harvey] Does anyone have an umbrella?


Louie: [Climbing down] No! Maybe we can find some newspapers in the alley.


Alice: [Wiping blood from her nose] God, whatever we do, we better do it fast! This headache is getting worse!


Dur: [Starting to panic] Water! Dear Phili save us! [Tries to take off in any direction that might lend shelter from the horrifying rain] =


[DUR charges blindly across the road and bangs against a red door, leading from the building across the alleyway from the hotel. A male voice calls out.]

Voice: Who's there?


Dur: [Falling to the ground he makes panic gurgling sounds as if he were drowning as he flounders in a small puddle] Help! We're drowning!=


[The door swings open to reveal ALEC MARCUS, a somewhat sleazy looking man in his late fifties. It appears as though he is in a phone box. He looks DUR up and down.]

Alec: But you are soaking! And your clothes, how they cling so.


Sebastian: [Finally clambers down the ladder after everyone else] What is it with all these sleazy men we're coming across lately? Are we being punished for losing Charlie? If that's the case, give me Pestilence any day.


Alice: I know! First it was you, then Louie and now this guy!


Clint: [Gives Alec a warning glare.] Maybe I'll just stay out here...


Dur: [Desperately tries to crawl into the phone box and out of the rain] I want my mummy!


Alec: By all means, young man. I'm happy to stay on my own in this nice, warm, dry house.

Alice: House? It's a phone box?

Alec: Yes, but in the valley of the soaking, the man with a box is king.


Louie: Thanks, buddy! [Tries to cram into the phonebox]


Clint: Call for a real doctor while you're in there!


Clint: Call for a real doctor while you're in there!


Sebastian: [To Alice] I am not sleazy! [Looks at the phone box] If you are a king, then your kingdom is incredibley small. [Looks around for any other possible hiding places, maybe an adjacent phone box]


Austin : [Still outside the phone box, looking for other shelter] Why do we all have headaches? [Groans]


Alec: True, but at least I have a kingdom. [Slams the door on Sebastian when everyone else has entered.]

[Unfortunately, the rain is so heavy, it is impossible for SEBASTIAN to see anywhere else to go.]

Alice: Come on, I know he's sleazy, but let him in, [coyly] pleeeeease? For me?

Alec: [Looks at Alice with lecherous eyes for a moment] You see how your clothing is clinging to your skin?

Alice: Er, yes.

Alec: Please step to the side. I would like to see how [gestures to Louie and Clint] their clothes cling to their skin.

Alice: Hey!

[The door appears to be unlocked, so SEBASTIAN can be let in/leave himself in.]


Sebastian: [To Austin] Very true, we still don't know what's causing them [Tries to the door to the phone box, giving up on anywhere else] Come on Austin, lets just get in here for now [Pushes his way in and holds the door open for Austin to follow him in]


Austin : [Tearing up as he gets into the phone box] Another suit ruined!


Alice: Why don't we just ring someone and ask them to pick us up? [Looks around] Hey, where's the phone?

Alec: I removed it to make room for the fire place. [Shows a nicely appointed fire place]

Gubbins: It's certainly roomier on the inside than it appears from the outside!


Clint: That's nice and all, but my head is killing me!


Alice: Oh, sorry. [Whispers] Why don't we just ring someone and ask them to pick us up? [Looks around, still whispering] Hey, where's the phone?


Austin : [To Alice] Have you seen the nice fireplace [Points to the fireplace] Isn't it nice?


Alice: Adorable. What the hell is going on with these headaches? And the rain?


Harvey: Perhaps we all got riotously drunk last night and this is the hangover what?


Louie: [Warming himself by the fire and looking around admiringly] Say, you got a lot of nice stuff here!


Alice: [To Harvey] That would explain the rain and the creepy guy in the phone box, but what about the headaches?

Alec: [To Louie] Why, thank you, kind sir. Can I interest you in some underwear?


Louie: [To Alec, intrigued] Anybody famous stain 'em?


Austin : [Suprised] That is really yucky.


Alec: Don't be ridiculous! He isn't famous yet!


Louie: [Shrugs] Sure, I'll take them off your hands, if you throw in that miniature tea set over there [gestures to a shelf in the corner] .


Austin : So you buy soiled underwear from people in the hope that they will become famous, and you may then be able to sell their soiled undergarments at huge profit?


Harvey: Perhaps he can take Private Scar's undergarments? I'm sure they are very soiled, and his drunken escapades may even be legendary. And may also explain why my head feels like someone dropped an anvil on it, what?


Louie: [To Austin, shrugging] It's a living. They can't all be big scores! [Appraises Clint skeptically] Nah, I tried selling one of his socks during the "What the Hell is that Smell" boom, but I ended up getting sued.


Austin : Hmm, bad luck.


Louie: [Nods] Yeah, I mean, how was I supposed to know he wanted to wear the sock? Worst infection I ever saw. They had to amputate and everything. [Brightens] I kept the "after" pictures of him, though, and sold them to a guy who's into shemales. So, you know, lemonade.


Alice: I would love some!

[The sky suddenly clears and the rain stops. Mercifully, everyone's headache is gone.]

Gubbins: Oh, thank God!


Austin : [Frowns] Why? Surely he was responsible for the rain and our headaches, if you believe in that sort of thing? [Shrugs and moves outside]


Alice: Did you see what God just did to us?

Gubbins: [Steps in front of Austin] It was a figure of speech, nothing more. Are you sure it's a good idea to step outside given that HARMA are looking for us?


Sebastian: Well we might as well stay in here for a while until we are sure they have gone. It's not like they can see us in here right?


Alec: [Standing in front of a huge window] Right! Make yourselves comfortable. Try on some soiled underwear. It'll be a party!=


Louie: [Looking at the window uncomfortably] Er, maybe we'd better keep moving, now what everyone is feeling better and the rain has stopped! [Heads for the door]


Harvey: Indeed, we are completely safe in here.

;;; Talk about famous last words! about to disappear again for one of

our endless meetings


Dur: [Still shaking in terror from the rain] I'm already wearng soiled underwear!=


Sebastian: [His head snaps round to look at Dur, his face a vision of pure terror] That's it! I'm out of here! [Darts for the door as well]


Austin : True, but you have never worn anything else, have you.


Last from drew 76

Alice: Give them back immediately, Dur!

[SEBASTIAN opens the door to reveal hundred of naked HARMA officers outside, scouring the area.]


Dur: [Shuts the door again] Perhaps we should let the heat die down a bit first.


Sebastian: [Backs away from the door] They are out there [Turns to Alec] Is thre anywhere to hide in here that is out of view of that window so if they look in they wont see us?


Content-Type: text/plain; charset=us-ascii

Alec: We could put up a privacy sheet. You know, like they do in prison movies.=20=

--Apple-Mail-734F62EC-A3BB-46B3-A02C-22BED5EFA667 Content-Transfer-Encoding: 7bit


Austin : [Backing away from the door] Privacy sounds like a good idea. We could probably leave out the prison part though.


Alec: [Holding a set of prison overalls] Oh. Okay. [Hangs a sheet up over the window, blocking the view]


Harvey: Where's a secret escape tunnel when you need one, eh?


Clint: Never around when you need one, huh?

;;; Ha! Success! Webmail is back up. That was annoying.


Sebastian: I knew we should have just let Sven take us to that pub!

;;; Crazy question I know, but have any of you ever had a dream where

you were stuck in the world of Queens View?

;;; Like if you think about something too much you dream about it?

Just remembered it happened to me the other night.

;;; I found the Baring Meter, turned out Sven lied about destroying it hahaha

;;; Please don't think my crazy


Harvey: Sure, because they'd never have looked there.

;;; "You don't have to be crazy to start playing QV - we'll provide

all the insanity you need


Clint: I can't believe I'm gonna say this, but screw the pub! Did anyone else's headache just go away when the rain stopped?


Sebastian: Actually yeah, mine did too. But think about it, if Sven had taken us to the pub, we wouldn't have ended up at the awards ceremony in the first place [shrugs] oh well, nevermind. So what's the plan now? More to the point, who is actually in charge now?


Clint: The same person who always was - Harvey! Anyway, doesn't it seem weird that the rain stopped and our headaches went away? [Thinking it over.] Maybe we're allergic to water?


Alice: Don't be so foolish. [Dramatically steps forward] I'm in charge!

[Everyone roars with laughter.]

Alice: [Dismayed] Hey!

Alec: It might interest you learn that this very house contains a secret passage, which contains [eyes widen] untold delights and treasures!


Harvey: And which does not contain any naked HARMA officers, partially clothed HARMA officers, Care Bares, demons (in particular the demon known as Pestilence), dragons or anything else with a generally anti-Queens View Party disposition?


Alec: [Laughs] Of course not! [Serious] What was the second one again?


Austin : [Looks worried] Perhaps the HARMA is putting something nasty into the rain to stop magic, or suppress the populace, and that gave us headaches?


Louie: But I didn't get a headache! I don't think it's the rain.


Alice: Maybe, but didn't we get the headaches before the rain? And how come he [points to Louie] didn't get one?


Alice: You know, do we even know where we are?

Alec: You're in Idiozia, the grandest town of them all!

;;; People have vaguely heard of this. It's a town south of Apraxia.


Sebastian: How on earth did we end up here?


Louie: Oh, yeah? What makes it so grand?


Alec: We've got [dramatically] telephone boxes!

Alice: Yeah, but no telephones.

Alec: [Shrugs] You can't have everything.


Louie: [Nods] True! Now, show us to this secret passage, if you would.


Alec: There it is, right in front of you. [Points at an apparently normal looking wall]

Alice: I don't see it!

Alec: Of course you don't. If you could, it would hardly be a secret, would it? [Steps into the wall and into a previously unnoticed secret passage]

Gubbins: That certainly is one well hidden secret passage! [Enters]


Sebastian: And very handy too [Follows Gubbins and Alec in to the passage]


Austin : Yes, the sooner we get out of here the better. Those HARMA agents are not getting any better looking.


Louie: Maybe you're just too picky! [Steps through the secret passage]


Alice: [Looks at something on coffee table] Ew! Soiled underwear! [Looks more closely] Hey! They're mi- [pause] they look just like a pair I have! [Enters the passage]

[Soon everyone else has gone through.]

;;; End of scene, next one coming right up


[Book VIII, Act VII, Scene III. The Secret Tunnel. ALICE, AUSTIN, CLINT, DUR, HARVEY, GUBBINS, SEBASTIAN, LOUIE and ALEC are here. The tunnel is surprisingly spacious and well lit, and seems to lead to the far side of the block that ALEC's phone box/house was on.]

Alice: What do we do now? Those HARMA guys are going to have to pay for what they did to Charlie!


Louie: Right, and I have just the solution. Let's steal some really valuable stuff from HARMA. That'll teach 'em not to kill our buddies!


Dur: I just hope Pestilence sees it that way and doesn't blame us!


Sebastian: I totally agree, they must pay for what they did. We could always get Pestilence to go on a killing spree? Specifically killing and torturing HARMA employees of course.


Alice: He almost certainly will, Seb, but he might start with us. Remember, he did tell us to look after her!

;;; He did. Way back in Book VI, Act VI, Scene VI.

<a href=>Pestilence's promise</A>


Austin : [Gleefully] We could get popcorn and icecream, and watch him from a carriage. Sort of a live show.


Sebastian: Are you sure I knew you guys when he said that?

;;; I wasn't in the group then so Sebastian wasn't there when he said it lol


Alice: I'm sure you weren't.

;;; I know, but I was just reminding the others!


Louie: [To Sebastian] From the sound of it, I don't think the guy will care if you officially did a pinky-swear or not! Homicidal maniacs don't tend to be too picky about who they kill. [Strokes his chin thoughtfully] Hmm, what to do, what to do. Say, I know! Let's pull a heist!


Alice: How is robbing something from some innocent going to help us now?


Austin : We might never know if we don't try!


Harvey: So we're giving up on... what were we doing again?

;;; You waited until I got pulled into a meeting didn't you?


Sebastian: Other than hiding from HARMA and wondering what to do about telling Pestilence about Charlie, I don't think we were actually doing anything.


Louie: Sure we were! We're talking about pulling a heist. Look, HARMA has a great stash of all kinds of magical stuff. Stuff like resurrection potions, that kind of thing. See where I'm going?


Alice: Oh! Very smart! We could steal a resurrection potion and give it to a priest or witch as a bribe to resurrect Charlie?


Austin : [Shudders] As long as we don't create another grandma Willa. [To Alice] I think we should give the ressurection potion to Charlie, and miss out the middle management all together.


Clint: [Pause.] Yes, that's right. Good thinking, Bimbo!


Sebastian: Don't need to look for one. [Looks a little sheepish] My skills are pretty limited due to HARMA banning magic, but I am a magic user. I'm pretty sure I'd be able to get Charlie back to us if we can get our hands on the potion.


Alice: Sounds a bit too easy for my liking, but let's go for it!


Harvey: Perhaps we can stipulate that Sebastien must juggle live fish whilst casting the potion? That should add an extra bit of a challenge, eh?


Clint: Okay, but if we have to commit some sort of crime against HARMA here, can it be armed robbery instead of burglary?


Sebastian: With a generous helping of explosive arson?


Louie: Nah, we've got to be a lot sneakier than that. We're breaking into Joe Nunpar's personal suite!


Austin : [Squirming in delight] Oh, that sounds just fabulous! We can torch the place as we leave! [Rubs his hands. Then calms down] Charlie would have wanted it like that.


Alice: Actually, I think she would have preferred if we put everything into alphabetical order as we left!


Austin : Exactly! 'Ashes' begins with 'A', so that will be easy.


Louie: [To Austin] We can't torch the place, old buddy. It would alert HARMA too quickly. I've created a diversion to keep the guards off of Nunpar's room for a while, but we need to hurry--and not make a ruckus!


Alice: [To Austin] Ruckus. That begins with W. [To Louie] Are we really going to squelch into the hotel with these soaking clothes?


Harvey: Excellent idea. We should disguise ourselves as HARMA officers, what? [Thinks] Which apparently means we should go in naked.

Alice: No way! Where would we get the party hats?


Louie: Make them out of newspaper and paint them whorey colors with her [nods at Alice] lipstick? [To Alice] No offense. You look great.


Sebastian: Sounds like a plan. They'd never expect us to walk around naked like they are, they'll never spot us! Huzah! [Fist pumps above his head then frowns] But what do we do about getting the potion to Charlie? No doubt Nunpar had his troops move her after we escaped.


Alice: [Looking worried and holding out some lipstick called "Extra Whorish"] Do you think that's whorish enough? [To Sebastian] Let's worry about getting the potion first, we can worry about what awful things they're doing to Charlie later.

Alec: I have a selection of clothing that might be mmm.... appropriate.


Dur: [Already stripping] More appropriate than naked?


Louie: [Watching Dur with interest] Hey, I know a guy who makes a salve that will possibly cure that rash. I can get it for you for 8 gp!


Alice: What could be more appropriate than being naked? [Looks at Dur and shivers] Ew! Anything, I guess!


Dur: [Patronizingly] Excuse me dear fellow but I AM a doctor. I think I would recognize a rash. This [Scratches at the rash] is just a birthmark that = keeps on growing.


Sebastian: It's either naked or face the wrath of Pestilence [Starts to strip] I choose naked

;;; That's me out for the day guys. See you Monday


Alice: If it's any consolation, some of it flakes off when you scratch it. [To Alec] What are these clothes you have? [To the party] Come on, how bad can they be?

Alec: [Proudly producing a set of adorable silken sailor suits, such as the type that Little Lord Fauntleroy would wear prior to being beaten up by some local toughs] Aren't they great? Most of them don't even have stains!


Austin : [Cringes] They are quite hideous. I vote we all go naked, save the party hats. [Ponders] The question is, are there females in the HARMA?


Alice: [Squeezing herself into a sailor suit that is nowhere close to fitting] No! Not a single one!

;;; Yes there are!


Clint: Naw. Nunpar doesn't seem like the type who lets them out of the kitchen.


Louie: [Nods, starting to strip] Yeah, Nunpar isn't ALL bad!


Alice: Right then! It's decided! I'll wear this super cute sailor outfit, and all you can go naked. [Sniggers] You're all gonna look so foolish! [Pulls up her trousers, which give a huge riiiiiip, showing off her what can only be described as depressingly grey underpants] Gah! The one time I ever wear non-flouncy underwear and this happens!


Clint: What are the odds? [Shrugs and strips down to his own moth-eaten underwear.] Right. Now we just need to find some paper for a hat!

;;; As PETA might say, I'd rather go naked than wear a sailor suit.


Alec: I have a selection of brightly coloured paper -- most of it isn't stained.


Louie: [Looks admiringly at a stack of faded, stained orange paper] Neat! The stains look like festive designs. [Rolls a piece of paper into a hat. To Alec] Got any glue--any sticky, really?


Harvey: I think these may already have glue applied! [Rolls a sheet into a hat, using an unidentified stain to stick it down]


[The structural rigidity of HARVEY's hat appears perfect.]

Alec: [To Louie] I'm sure I can find some.


Clint: [Regards Alec with some horror and turns to the party.] Maybe they'll think I'm your prisoner if I put my clothes back on?


Alec: Especially if he was wearing some fur lined hand cuffs.


Austin : As a master of disguise, I feel obliged to point out that the HARMA may be fully clothed, and without party hats, the next time we encounter them. We should take back up disguses just in case! [Looks grimly at Harvey's party hat]

;;; vivas today, so might not get much posting done


Louie: Not a bad idea, but I don't think we're going to want to dress in anything this guy has to offer. [To Alec] No offense.


Alice: It could be worse, Aus, he might have it on his head! That's a good point, though. Is being naked really a good way to blend in? I mean, it's not like the entire town is naked, is it?

Alec: [Sighs sadly] Alas, no.


Alec: [Offended] Oh, come on! You haven't even seen my collection of seventh century monastic underwear yet!


Harvey: [Solemnly] Indeed, good sir, there many horrific things in the world which we have not yet experienced.


Alec: [With a creepy smile] And for a small fee, you could experience some of them. Who knows? You might enjoy the [absent mindedly rubs his crotch against the wall] coarse, rough feeling of the horribly, horribly constricting underwear.


Austin : Perhaps not. [To the others] Perhaps we can mug some HARMA officers and steal their hats?


Alice: Or maybe we can go through the hotel laundry and steal a bunch of clothes there?


Austin : [Smiles. To Alice] Not just a pretty face are you! What a splendid idea.


Alice: Thanks Aus! Then, once we have the clothes, we can break into the local Millinery, steal a bunch of fancy hats and trade them with some HARMA members for theirs! It's brilliantly simple!


Louie: [Snorts] Or how about we steal a bunch of fancy hats, then we sell them for money to buy materials to make fancy hats?


Alice: Now you're just being stupid. It should be fancIER hats! How else are we going to make a profit?


Louie: [Dazzled] You're slutty AND you understand profit?! [Drops to one knee and gently takes Alice's hand] Ellen Bassett Hound, will you marry me?!


Austin : Since we have not yet acquired the aforementioned hats, perhaps we should wait until we have done so before we decide upon any such upgrading, profit makeing or downgrading, as the case may be. [To Alice] Don't you agree?


Alice: [Barely noticing Austin's words] Huh? [To Louie] Wow, that's the twelfth most romantic proposal I've ever gotten, Louie! [Shows him Deuce's ring] Unfortunately, I'm already promised to another, and he's very, very jealous and possessive, so I have to decline. Oh, and also, you're really old and kind of creepy, so you know, there's that too, but other than that, I think you're almost fine!

;;; Deuce is probably the same age as Louie, although WAY less creepy!


Louie: [Springs to his feet, embarrassed] Shut up! Leave me alone! We've got a heist to plan. [Gruffly] Come on, we only have a small window of time here. I've provided a distraction that will keep Nunpar's guards busy, but not forever!


Alice: Oh, poor Louie. How tragic it is to have fallen in love with someone who isn't in love with you.


Louie: [To Alec, desperate to change the subject] Let's see that monk underwear. I'll bet I can get a couple of sp for each pair!


Alec: [Drops his pants to reveal that he is wearing underpants that look like they are made out of sandpaper] Would you prefer stained or unstained?


Sebastian: I think you should go for stained Louie. They'll look more authentic and fetch a bigger profit


Harvey: And there's always the chance of catching whatever the famous person in question had, what?


Austin : You say that as if it were a bonus! [Looks disgusted]


Louie: Good point, Colonel! [To Alec, pointing to Harvey] Give this man all of your soiled underwear.


Alec: Hey! I'm not a machine, you know! Give me a moment. [Stands still with a look of concentration for a good thirty seconds] Does anyone have some water? Or maybe some porn?

Alice: [To the party] Why are we still here?


Harvey: [Nervously] Er, I thank you sir. But, um, perhaps you should keep them, eh? You may be able to, um, sell them?


Dur: Bah! Underwear is highly over rated and over valued if you ask me!


Harvey: [Nervously] Er, I thank you sir. But, um, perhaps you should keep them, eh? You may be able to, um, sell them?


Louie: So, shall we get back to hotel and rob HARMA blind? Oh, and find a potion to bring your dead friend back.


Austin : Yes, let us get moving. Charlie is not getting any fresher. [Casually checks his nails]


Clint: And unfortunately, our host here is!


Alec: [Gives Clint a wink] Fresh it is! Just give me a moment. [Turns away from the party and starts to rub himself against the wall]


Clint: That's enough of that! [Exits. Hastily.]


[Exit the rest of the party, equally hasty. After some time, ALEC turns to where the party were.]

Alec: Uh, now, blood counts as a stain, right, guys? [Sees that the party are gone] Guys? Hello?

;;; End of scene, next one coming right up


[Book VIII, Act VII, Scene IV. The Streets of Idioza. ALICE, AUSTIN, CLINT, DUR, GUBBINS, HARVEY, LOUIE and SEBASTIAN are here, moving away from ALEC quickly. The streets are soaking wet, but the rain has well and truly stopped. There are quite a lot of people milling around, many of whom appear either be tourists or people protesting that the world is about to end. The party, in various states of undress, are attracting a lot of attention.]

Alice: Maybe we should rob that clothes shop as soon as possible?


Louie: [Looking around self-consciously] Yeah, I don't think these disguises are working that well! Where's that clothes shop?


Alice: How about that one? [Points at a shop across the road, called "Emporer's Emporium"]


Harvey: [Carefully] I'm not sure infiltrating HARMA's heavily guarded stronghold while dressed as emporers is the best strategy, my dear.


Sebastian: [Heading towards Alice pointed, talking to Harvey] Nonsense, of course it is my overgrown bunny rabbit friend. If we look like Emporers we'll be given VIP treatment. They wont even realise who we are.


Austin : Bunny rabbit? What on earth are you talking about?


Alice: [Looks around her, bewildered] I think he's been at the stinky cheese again, Aus, so the real questions are where did he get it and why don't we have some? [To Harvey] Maybe, but surely we'd blend in better with the crowd dressed as penguins than naked?


Louie: Yeah, and we've got no pockets for hiding any little items that might come into our possession, which is not that convenient, now that I think of it!


Austin : Indeed, a major oversight. We should find fine attire as soon as possible!


Alice: To the clothes shop!

[The party enter the Emporer's Emporium. As soon as they do, an apparently naked man appears, standing behind a counter. This is OILY FURS.]

Oily: Ah! Customers! Have I got the clothes for you!


Harvey: Gah! A HARMA officer! By the saints, they're everywhere!


Oily: [Indignantly] I'm not a HARMA officer! [Calms down] I mean, er, are you people from HARMA?

Alice: Certainly not!

Oily: Well then, I'm not a HARMA officer! Do I look like an idiot?

[The party form a huddle to discuss the matter.]

Alice: He kinda does, doesn't he?


Sebastian: Well I doubt he's naked because he's HARMA. Since when did HARMA run clothes shops? So yes Alice, I agree, he does look like an idiot. [Looks around curiously] Now where did I put that supply of stinky cheese?


Alice: Frankly, it smells like you put it in Clint!


Louie: [Scans the room] Could you be a good man and go into your storeroom for the following items? Men's blazer, houndstooth print, purple. Mustard-colored fedora adorned with a peacock feather. Blue suede shoes with red laces. And a tie that contains all of those colors, you know, to pull it all together.


Oily: I have a tie that someone puked on, if that's any help?

Alice: Oh, come on, just grab whatever you need, we can beat him up after.

Oily: What??

Alice: I mean, we can pay him after.

Oily: Oh, phew.


Sebastian: [To Alice] And it can stay there too. [Turns to the shop keeper] I'll take an emerald green 2 piece suit with matching waistcoat, saphire blue shirt, a tigers eye style tie, and amethyst purple suade shoes with opal coloured laces. [Thinks for a moment then nods] Yup, that should do it for me, not a big fan on hats. Or do you guys think I need one for this?

;;; Possibly me out for the rest of the day


Alice: Of course you do! What pimp would be seen without one? [Picks up a purple cowboy hat with an extravagant feather] Perf! [Serious] That is the look you're going for, right? Just be careful that you look somewhat respectable. [Absent mindedly scratches her rear end through the torn too-small sailor suit she's wearing] We don't want you letting the side down.


Louie: [Grabs a pair of orange, pinstriped pants and puts them on] Classy, eh? [Goes rifling for more clothes with gusto]


Oily: Ah! A man with taste! Very nice!

;;; Everyone can grab whatever trashy outfit they want, within reason!


Harvey: Aha! No-one will spot me for a member of the military in this! [Grabs a flamboyant officers uniform with an unfeasibly large cravatte] .


Alice: Very nice, Uncle Harvey! We're definitely going to blend in with the crowd! [Riiip! The back of her sailor suit starts to tear, as it is way too small for her]


Sebastian: [Looks around and finds something] Now this is more like it [Picks up grey pants, blue shirt, white professors lab coat, pair of brown leather cowboy boots, along with a dark brown cowboy hat and a fashionable belt.] [To Oily] Do you have any spectacles? [Hears the rip and turns to see Alice's behind poking out from the back of her sailor suit] As much as I admire the view you insist on giving me and the others, Alice sweety, I think maybe you should change too [Chuckles softly]


Louie: [Struts out wearing a purple leisure suit, no shirt underneath, a pair of outrageously pointy white cowboy boots, and at least six chunky gold chains around his neck] Ah, that's better. A man isn't properly dressed unless he's wearing a suit, I always say!


Alice: Nonsense! This fits like a glove!

Oily: [To Sebastian] Sure do! [Lifts his hat and takes a pair out] Here y'go!


Alice: Oh, go on then. [Disappears for a moment into a changing room and returns wearing a horrible fluorescent orange suit, with a green shirt and staggeringly bright orange paisley kipper tie that's so wide the corners of it could be tied behind her back] Isn't it great?

[Soon, everyone is dressed, in clothes of varying degrees of tastelessness.]

Oily: Right! That'll be 500GP for the lot!

Alice: [To Louie] Well? Pay the man!


Louie: [To the party, darkly] All right, but you owe me now, and I never forgive a debt! [Dips into his pocket and fishes out 500 GP. To Oily, with a big smile] Here you are, good man!


Oily: A pleasure to do business with you! [Takes the money and sticks it under his hat]


Sebastian: [Takes the specs and pops them on] Perfect! We ready to set off then chaps?

;;; Plans changed so stuck here rest of day, but off for lunch now


Austin : [Emerges with a grimace on his face, wearing very very dark sunglasses, and a very smart, but 30 years out of date suit - black and red candy stripes, a black trilby and black platform boots] Can we just leave now?


Dur: [Surprised] Did we actually buy something. Hmm. That's a new one to me!=


Alice: I know, people normally pay you to leave!

[The party head out onto the street, where they seamlessly blend in with the crowd.]


Louie: [Smugly, to Dur] Not much money in the hero biz, eh? [To Austin, puzzled] Then why are YOU in the hero biz, come to think of it?


Alice: [Smoking a cigar] You don't choose the hero biz, Louie, the hero biz chooses you. [Takes a drag of the cigar and makes a dramatic pose, which is somewhat compromised by her leaning over a trashcan and puking] Ew! It tastes like burn!


Louie: [Watches Alice, amused] Yeah, real heroic! [To the party] All right, let's go get revenge and also rich!


Alice: [Nonchalantly wiping some puke from her face with her tie] Right, there's the hotel! [Points to a rather snazzy hotel across the road, the "Please Stay Inn".]


Austin : [To Louie] I am in the hero business for something proceless, my friend, I am in it for revenge. [Casually looks around]


Clint: [To Louie, guffawing] Yeah, he's one of these new-wave "grim and gritty" heroes.


Austin : [To Clint] I may be grim and gritty today, but happy and joyful tomorrow, whereas you will always be one of those, new-wiff 'grimy and grotty' heroes.


[The party enter the hotel, and stand dramatically in the foyer.]


Clint: And on that note... let's go commit armed robbery!

;;; So I had to go look up "grotty," it being a word we don't use hereabouts.

;;; Why can't you Brits speak proper English, I ask you? =)


Harvey: Onward troop!

;;; :P Watch out or we'll start with the rhyming slang! :P


Clint: [Looks around the foyer for something useful to do.]

;;; Fortunately, while we don't use rhyming slang over here, at least I

know what it is. Like calling people guv'nor,

;;; it's one of those things that Hollywood is legally required to use

in order to establish that a character is English.


Louie: Right! Follow me, gang!

;;; It's our revenge for the way they portray Americans there!

;;; Apparently, we're all Texans with highly dubious accents!


[LOIUS leads the party upstairs to room #778, strolling passed several HARMA officers who are standing outside room #777 trying to look mean, but mainly looking constipated.]

;;; Yes, but that's true! Sure 'n begorrah, 'tis to be sure.


Louie: [Produces a key for 778 and opens the door] Here you go!

;;; Aw, you told me my Irish accent was really convincing!


Alice: [Walks in] Hey, that was nice and easy! [Starts picking up various items from the room, such as ashtrays, lamps, etc.] Heh! We're gonna be rich!

;;; I thought that was a Texas accent!


Louie: No, no, no! [Shuts the door once everyone is in] I've got a plan. THIS is my room, where we execute the plan. Not steal ashtrays.


Alice: What about lamps?


Harvey: And this is a rather nice side table, what? Couldn't we just steal a few things, eh?


Louie: All in good time, my friends! [Rubs his hands together and paces while he talks] Now, let's get to work. As you can see, we are in the room next to Nunpar's. Nunpar likes his privacy, so his guards are only on the outside. And, this time of day, he's got a meeting with his Committee for the Removing of Joy from Holidays meeting, so the room's empty. So, we're going in [points to a wall] --right there!


Alice: [To Harvey] Hey! That's MY side table! Thief! [To Louie] Uh, really? Wouldn't it be easier to just go through the door?


Louie: [Scoffs] With all of the HARMA guards wandering around? And HARMA sympathizers?! No, silly woman! Stealth is our weapon.


Alice: And where do we get this stealth?


Dur: [Checking the wall] Everyone knows the only way to get stealth is by surgery. But it's a fairly simple procedure and you lot will only need about= 6 weeks recovery once I'm done! That is to say, if you recover at all.

;;; What are the walls made of?


Sebastian: Isn't there like a stealth bank or something? I'd really rather not have to have surgery.


Louie: [Laughs] Nonsense! I'm not some empty-headed woman [nods at Alice] ! I have a plan. First, [pops into the bathroom and comes back with a shower curtain, shower cap, and several bars of soap] someone needs to melt all of the soap together and capture the melted soap in this shower cap. In the meantime, a couple of you can cut this shower curtain into long strips.


Alice: Don't worry, Clint, you won't have to do it!

[The walls appear to be made of concrete, with some fairly chintzy wallpaper over it.]

Alice: Why do we need all this stuff? Surely the walls are just made of paper?


Louie: [To Alice] Aha, but UNDER the paper? [Raps on the wall to demonstrate] Solid as a rock. That's why . . . [grabs some hotel stationery, jots some dots on it, secures it to the top of a lamp, and points the lamp at the wall] I'll need someone to draw these dots on the wall, just so. Someone else follow behind and start drilling holes where the dots are using this letter opener [brandishes a letter opener] .


Sebastian: I'll take care of the soap. [Looks arround] Now anyone got a lighter or matches? I'd be tempted to just heat my hands up, but since I drank that cure you guys developed to cancel what HARMA did to us all my magic hasn't worked once.


Dur: [Tries to cast Stone Shape on the wall to form a door for the group towalk through] If at first you don't succeed.


Sebastian: Try and try again? [Nods at what Dur implied] Yeah, you're right. Never give up [Tries to cast Flaming Hands on a bar of soap, holding the bar above the shower cap after opening it out]


Alice: [To Sebastian] Sure, but have you tried to cast any spells since you came back to our dimension?

;;; I don't think he has!

[DUR casts his spell and the wall grinds open, giving an archway into the next room. Unfortunately, there is a mesh of metal bars that had been embedded in the wall that prevent the party from simply walking through.]

;;; Gone for the day!!


Austin : Oh, well, we could tie some centre halves over our bamboo shoots, or perhaps just wear our day trippers.

;;; sorry could not resist :)

;;;; P.S. this is cockney, not Scottish slang


;;; Sent to just me by accident

Harvey: [Frowning] Wasn't there something about getting stealth by eating something sugary, what? [Solemnly] Though not after 10.

Alice: No, it's no apples after ten. [By way of explanation] Too much flatulence.


Louie: [Considers the mesh for a second, muttering] What to do, what to do . . . [brightens] aha! Wait here. I know where I can get some bolt cutters. [Heads for the front door]


[SEBASTIAN casts a spell, and the soap quickly melts, pooling in the shower cap.]

Alice: Heh! This is gonna be great!


Louie: [Spots Sebastian, delighted] Great! Now all of you, get cracking on that shower curtain! [Exits the room]


Austin : Some sort of hacksaw may also be useful.


Alice: [Holds the paper from Louie up in front of the light] I wonder what this does. [Turns the light on, so that the dot pattern traced out by Louie is projected onto the wall.]

[The pattern reads "Diversion"]

Alice: Huh?

;;; David is off the list, I think we've lost him. Please make sure you use the

;;; distribution list this mail is sent to


Austin : [Ponders] Well, let's hope it works!


Alice: I guess we better wait and see!

[There's a knock on the door.]


Austin : [Whispers] Did some one order room service?

;;;; is there a security spy glass in the door?


[AUSTIN peers through the spy glass, followed by everyone else taking a look. There are six, heavily armed HARMA officers outside.]

Alice: Well, that can't be good!


Sebastian: [Finished with the soap then looked] Can't be good at all. Don't think Louie double crossed us do you?


Harvey: [Sarcastically] No of course not, they're just here for a body armour convention, eh?


Sebastian: Oh, that's alright then. So what do we do now?

;;; David seemed to drop off the list again already so just put him back on


;;; Careful! *I* took him off the list in #65!

Alice: I suggest we panic.


Louie: [Sneaking past the mesh wire, having now snuck into the room next door. To the party, whispering] Great job! Almost there! [Disappears, sneaking further into the room]


Alice: [Dismayed] Hey! What the hell is going on here? What's he up to?


Sebastian: [To Alice] Nonsense, no need to panic at all. I have an idea [Tries to cast Ghost Sound to make the HARMA guards think there is a lion approaching them]

;;; Sorry Conor I misread what you were trying to say back in 65


Louie: [Comes back past the mesh, carrying a potion in his hands, pockets noticeably bulging with other goodies. Whispers] Got it! [Gives the party a big smile and exits the room]


Alice: Uh... great?

[There's a huge growl from up the corridor, causing some panic from the HARMA officers, but they draw weapons and stand their ground.]


Austin : [Sighs] Must we always be the diversion, cannon fodder or distraction. [Tries to get through the mesh] We should follow him!


Sebastian: Good idea Sleaze [Tries to squeeze Austin through the mesh so everyone else can escape]


[Alas, the mesh is too strong.]

Alice: [Calmly] Now should we panic?


Sebastian: Unless anyone else has any ideas, then yes Alice. Like doing to the mesh what Dur did to the wall? Or me and Dur could try and shrink the HARMA guys outside. Anyone?


Clint: Maybe we could grease someone up with that soap so they can slip through the mesh?


Alice: Oh God. Now Clint wants to grease people up. Can this day get any worse?

[The door opens. Enter PESTILENCE, looking pretty angry. He strides into the room, pulling a donkey behind him.]


Clint: Ah crap.


Harvey: [Deadpan] No, my dear, how could this day possibly get any worse? [To Pestilence, mock cheerfully] Pestilence! What a nice surprise this is. Seeing you here does not make our day any worse in any way whatsoever!


Clint: [With a sort of strangled grin.] Yeah, fancy meeting you here? How's it hanging, big guy?

;;; Blah. I was hoping I wouldn't have to do that! =)


Pestilence: [Grimly] I told you that if you looked after her, I'd look after you.


Harvey: Indeed. Planning to start on that any time soon?


Pestilence: Already have. [Leans back and pushes the door open to reveal eight badly wounded HARMA officers in a bloody heap on the floor, before turning back to the party with a slightly sheepish look] I promised Charlie that I wouldn't kill anyone.

Alice: So, uh, you're not annoyed that we didn't look after her better?

Pestilence: [Laughs] Nah, what surprised me is that it didn't happen sooner!


Harvey: Uh, thanks for the vote of confidence, what? Though we do appreciate your assistance with these... [Indicates the HARMA officers] indivduals. [To Pestilence] Do you plan to assist us in reviving Charlie?


Pestilence: Nope.


Austin : [To Pestilence] An associate of ours did just acquire a ressurection potion from the room next door. A potion that we wanted for Charlie. You didn't happen to see him escaping did you?


Pestilence: [Shrugs] I don't know, is he the one who pretends to be a doctor? The weaselly one?

Alice: No, that's [points at Dur] Dur.

Pestilence: Oh. Hm. Well, I don't know. Maybe Charlie saw him? [Points to the window]

[Everyone goes to the window and looks out to see CHARLIE sitting outside on a camel, holding a small cage with what appears to be two chickens.]


Harvey: [Brightens considerably at seeing Charlie] Charlie! You've brought lunch!

;;; Out till at least 3:30 PM due to meetings.


Sebastian: [Looking out the window] Wow, either Louie works fast, or there's something else very odd going on here


Alice: Huh. Well, there's Louie, riding off into the distance!

[The party see LOUIE on horseback, racing past CHARLIE and off into the sunset.]


Charlie: [Calls to the party, waving] Hello, group! Hadn't we better get moving?


Alice: [To the others] I have no idea what's going on, but I think Charlie's ghost is right, let's get the hell out of here!

;;; Gone for the weekend!


Austin : [Sees Charlie. To Pestillence] Oh. I see that you have everything in hand. Excellent! [Pauses] Why did you bring a donkey?

;;;;; have a good weekend!


Pestilence: Because if I left him outside he'd wander off. You know what donkeys are like!

;;; Really gone now!


Sebastian: I concur, let's get going, and quickly. [Starts to head for the door] Nevermind about the donkey Sleaze


[Book VIII, Act VII, Scene V. Outside the hotel. ALICE, AUSTIN, CHARLIE, CLINT, DUR, HARVEY, SEBASTIAN and PESTILENCE are here.]

Alice: Charlie! What happened? Are you a ghost?


Charlie: [Awkwardly balances the chicken cage on the camel and dismounts the camel. To Alice] Do be serious! Could a ghost hold a chicken cage? Studies suggest not, though admittedly the results were deemed inconclusive when none of the ghosts could sign the consent forms.


Austin : [Gives Charlie a big hug] Welcome back! And don't worry, it is always a bit odd the first time. [Ponders] and the second and third time too, but don't worry. [Smiles] At least you are a hero now! Lots of articles to write up no doubt? [Looks concerned] Come to think of it, the four time I died was also weird.


Alice: But how? What happened?

Pestilence: [Smugly] A little something I like to call my insurance policy.

Alice: Wow! What is it?

Pestilence: An insurance policy.


Charlie: [Returns Austin's hug warmly] Thank you, Mr. Sleaze! [Smiles mysteriously at Pestilence] In fact, that was actually my second time. [Looks at everyone] It is so wonderful to see you, group. It feels as if it has been years!


Pestilence: The second time that I told you about!


Charlie: [To the party, beaming at Pestilence] When we were married, he took out an insurance policy that brings me back to life in the event of my untimely death, or deaths as it were, for a fee. Terribly practical, really, given that I am so much easier to kill than he is!


Austin : That is quite an insurance policy. [To Pestilence] Which company provides that level of service?


Alice: Hey! That's totally unfair! So you get to be killed as often as you want and just keep coming back?

Pestilence: Hey, I do have to go and some super dangerous mission each time. And the premiums are a bitch.


Austin : I bet they are. [Considers] That must be a very lucrative line of work.


Charlie: [To the party, sighing dreamily] Isn't he wonderful?! [To Pestilence] And I must say, you used admirable restraint in handling those HARMA agents, darling. I'm so proud of you! [Gives Pestilence a big kiss]


Pestilence: [Returns the kiss, which goes on and on, before eventually pulling back with a pop] I know! Some of them will even be able to walk after a few months! [To Austin] Yeah, but they always give chance if you overpay, that's why we have the camel and the chickens.

Alice: Oh! And the donkey!

Pestilence: [Puzzled] No.


Harvey: Perhaps what Pestilence was doing with a donkey will just have to remain one of life's little mysteries eh? I'm not sure I'd want to know what perverse activities a demon might get up to with a donkey, what?


Dur: I'm not sure I like where this is headed! How's a dcotor supposed to find gainful employment reanimating corpses if insurance agnecies are doing = it for us!


Alice: I don't know, Dur, if we find one we'll ask him!


Charlie: [Looks around] We really should be moving on, shouldn't we? I shouldn't think it safe to linger this long, with so many HARMA agents about!


Alice: If this is Idioza, then I think Deucie is here -- isn't this where that big archaeological find was found? Or founded? Or whatever the hell it is you nerds say?


Clint: Deucie is just gonna have to wait, Bimbo. [Nods a greeting to Charlie.] We need to find a way to blend in around here!


Charlie: [Claps her hands] How marvelous! Do let's go there at once. I can't wait to see what he's uncovered. [Narrows her eyes] Though I do hope that horrid Dr. Rourke-Bourke isn't there.


Austin : Perhaps we can disguise ourselves as archeologists. We could get a very very fine sand filter to catch Dr. Rourke-Bourke.


Alice: Don't be ridic, Charlie, she's just a brainless bimbo who eats too much cake. [Gets embarrassed] Er, I mean, she's the kind of person who says that about other people...

;;; Drew is out today

Sebastian: If [gives Alice a friendly wink] Deucie and the others are staying in a hotel other than the one infected by HARMA, maybe that might be a good place to go and get our bearings. I mean, I know we have these stylish clothes and all, but I'd like to find out what was going on with those headaches.


Charlie: [To Sebastian] What headaches?


Sebastian: We were all struck with crazily strong headaches just as we were trying to get away from HARMA. In fact, the only thing that was worse than them was how bad the rain was.


Charlie: How very peculiar! [To Pestilence] Did you experience any of that, darling?


Pestilence: Nah, but I was knee deep in donkey entrails at the time.

Alice: Wow! Your insurance mission was to kill a bunch of donkeys?

Pestilence: [Puzzled] No.


Clint: And then the rain stopped, and the headaches went away, and after that... [shudders] we're not going into!


Charlie: [Alarmed] But you MUST tell me, you simply must! [Frustrated] Oh, I missed out on absolutely everything by being dead!


Harvey: Indeed, being dead isn't all it's cracked up to be, what?


Clint: Sorry, Chuck, but some things are just too awful to relive!


Pestilence: Well, not [winks] everything!

Alice: Er...yes. We met up with a real sleazoid called Louie, who was supposed to help us steal a potion from HARMA to help you, but, and I know you'll find this hard to believe, he tricked us and betrayed us!


Charlie: [Swats Pestilence] Shh! [To Alice, with sincere pity] How dreadful, taking advantage of the simple-minded and elderly! [Looks at Austin] And how did he fool you? By flattering your ego, one assumes?


Alice: [Defensively] Nothing like that! He just told us that he needed the help of a super cool party with a really keen fashion sense!


Austin : [To Charlie, hurt] No, he said that we could get a ressurection potion, that we could use to bring you back. My judgement was clouded by hope. I shall not let it happen again.


Clint: [Shaking his head sadly.] No respect, I tell ya! [Helpfully.] He got me by promising we could commit a little aggravated assault on some random HARMA flunkies.


Alice: We should find him and let Clint commit a little aggravated assault on him!


Charlie: [Touched] Oh, you're all splendid to worry about me so! [Struck by a thought] In fact, I brought a lovely present for you, to thank you for your kindness. Let me just find it . . . [digs in her knapsack frantically] .


Alice: Even Austin? Who's so hurt by you trampling over his feelings? [Makes a super sad face]


Austin : Thanks Alice. [Gives Alice a hug]


Alice: [Returns the hug, looking over Austin's shoulder at the others as she does] There there. [Rolls her eyes]


Charlie: [Triumphantly] Aha! Here it is, Will's latest masterpiece! [Hands a Wilhelmina original to Alice] Share and enjoy it, with the deepest gratitude of my entire family.


Content-Type: text/plain; charset=ISO-8859-1 Content-Transfer-Encoding: quoted-printable

Alice: Er, delightful. [Shows it to the party]



Harvey: Indeed. Who needs pictures of bunnies and lambs when you have pictures of... What is that anyway?


Alice: I think that's blood. [Points to the disgusting bloody slime]

Pestilence: Hey, I told you, I had to go on a super dangerous mission -- some of that blood is mine!


Charlie: [Admiring the drawing] I do believe the corpse is meant to be me. Not a bad likeness, wouldn't you say? [To Pestilence, with obvious pride] Where DOES she get her artistic talent? She's such a little wonder.


Pestilence: My Aunt Infectia was a great artist -- you know, she's one who was burned to death by... [gives a smile] But hey, that's all in the past. Come on, let's find that guy and kill him. [Catches Charlie's eye] Er, I mean, give him a stern talking to.


Charlie: [Very pleased] What a wonderful idea, darling! [To Austin] Where would one go to sell stolen goods, Mr. Sleaze? Perhaps we can find him in such a place!


Austin : Either the pub or the nearest carriage boot sale, if there is one here.


Charlie: Splendid! Let us take a quick look around the town for this odious man. I should be quite interested to see what he stole, though I suppose it would be wrong to take stolen goods for ourselves? Though, likely HARMA forcibly took it from someone to begin with, so perhaps we would be justified in taking the stolen goods. [Muses] Quite the ethical dilemma, wouldn't you say?!


Austin : Well, it would be if I cared.


Alice: [Confused] Huh? You don't care if we catch Louie? Or you don't care about the ethical dilemma?


Austin : Why, the ethical dilema, of course. We have far more important things to do. [Casually checks his nails]


Harvey: I believe he means he doesn't care about the ethical dilemma, my dear. He is a lawyer after all.


Charlie: In any case, we should really try to find this Louie person, or he shall surely make his escape before we find him!


Austin : It is the simple fact that I do not care about the aforementioned ethics at the present moment. We must prioritise. Since we do not know who stole what from whom, i.e. known unknown unknowns, there is very little we can do about these known unknowns, it right now, appart from stopping Louie from selling the goods to another known unknown, or worse still, an unknown unknown. [Shudders at the thought]


Alice: But where are we going to find a carriage boot sale? In Idioza? At this time of night? On a Friday?

[Everyone's attention is strangely drawn to a poster advertising a carriage boot sale in Idioza that started ten minutes ago, on Moron Street.]

Alice: [Clicks her fingers in triumph] Hah! I bet someone there will be selling a programme of events!


Charlie: [Dramatically] To Moron Street, group!


[Fortunately, Moron Street is just the next street over, so the party get there quickly. Not only is there a Carriage Boot Sale going on, there is also a market here, with people selling all sorts of weird looking items. One of them, a scary looking woman calls out to PESTILENCE. This is KATO FAY.]

Kato: Ah! Pestilence! Back so soon? How's that arm working out for you?

Pestilence: [Holds up his right hand and clenches and unclenches his fist a few times] Great, although I can't really get the taste of snot off the pinky.

Kato: [Shrugs] Good merchandise is hard to get.


Sebastian: I hope we find Louie quickly so we can [glances at Charlier] give him a stern talking to. I'm itching to find out what caused those headaches, and why they went away when the rain stopped. [Glances at the different stalls from a distance]


Charlie: [To Pestilence, alarmed] What on earth does she mean? [Takes his right hand and examines it carefully, gasping] What happened to your right arm?!


Pestilence: Crocodile bit it off, it was nothing really. [Spots her concern] Well, I suppose it was really rather heroic, now that I think of it, and I was in terrible pain, but you know, the love kept me going.

[All the stalls seem to be selling magical ingredients and various potions, mainly things like love potions and other tourist tat, mainly at extravagant prices.]

Alice: Wow! How come HARMA hasn't shut you guys down?

Kato: Idioza is the last bastion of free magic.

Pestilence: That and the fact that most of the stuff they sell is crap.


Dur: Sooooo.... They sell crap magic? As in the kind that makes you have togo? [Holds his stomach] Cause I could really use some right about now. I k= new I should have cooked that piece of mystery meat before I ate it!


Austin : [Looks alarmed. To Pestilence] I take it that the former owner of that arm no longer has use for it?


Clint: It looks that way, doesn't it!


Clint: It looks that way, doesn't it!


Sebastian: Well if they did before they certainly don't now

;;; is there a pic of Pestilence? does he look human or like a demon?

and if demon, is the arm demon looking or a human arm?


Pestilence: [Shrugs] Idunno.

Alice: [To Kato] Does he?

[KATO gives an irritatingly hysterical sounding laugh.]

Alice: [Confused] Well? Does he?

Kato: [Calms down] No.

;;; Kind of human! The arm looks perfectly normal

;;; And he was once an angel


Charlie: [To Pestilence, firmly] You WILL cancel that insurance policy at once. What if the crocodile had snapped off your head instead?! [To Kato] Now, could you tell us if you recently purchased any magical items from a-- [to the party] er, what did he look like, this Louie?


Dur: But if he cancels it, how are we going to bring you back from the deadnext time?!=


Sebastian: Well there you go then Alice, no harm done. The arm was willingly donated by someone who no longer had a use for it, so no harm done, and Pestilence has kept his promise to Charlie not to seriously hurt or kill anyone [Nodded approvingly, then turned to Charlie] Like a sleazy middle aged man who acted more wierd than Dur. On that note, Dur has a good point. It is a husbands duty to protect his wife. Imagine Will growing up without you to influence her life, Pestilence being her only guide on moral values and such.


Pestilence: I guess you won't be able to, and I'll just have to go on a killing spree to try and relieve my grief. [Sad sigh]

Kato: Was he kind of greasy looking? Black hair? About [shows the height] yea high? Had a look of smug self satisfaction as though he had duped a bunch of people into helping him steal something before betraying them?


Clint: That's him! You've never seen him, right?

;;; Sorry about that double post. It TOLD me it had not sent. Oh well.


Charlie: [To Pestilence, uncomfortably] Yes, why don't we discuss this later, in private. [To Kato, expectantly] Well?!


Kato: Not really. My eye is a bit sore. [To Clint] Sure I've seen him. That's Louie, right?


Harvey: The blaggard!

;;; Sorry, boss camped at my desk


Kato: [Leans forward and grabs Harvey's hand] What happened to you?


Harvey: [Unnerved] Uh, well, you see... [Recovers] It all started many years ago. I was born, you see, and then... [Looks like he's about to launch into a very long recount of... well, everything]


Clint: [Alertly.] Is that a sign advertising all you can eat honeyed golden locusts I see?


Kato: [Pulls her hand back and addresses the party, clearly talking about Harvey] Watch that one.


Charlie: [To Kato, puzzled] Why? What do you think is wrong with him? [In a lower voice] If it's the senility, we already know about that!


Austin : [A little confused] So Louie has been, ..., been recycled? [Looks a bit miffed then brightens up] I wonder where he stashed all of his stuff?


Kato: No, it's much worse than that. Much, much worse.


Sebastian: Worse? You mean he sold everything he stole, made a nice profit, and got away without any harm done to him?


Kato: What are you talking about?

Alice: [Confused] Er, Louie?

Kato: I don't know anything about him! I haven't seen him for days!


Charlie: [To Kato] But what is wrong with Harvey, if it isn't his senility?!


Sebastian: Prolonged exposure to Alice and Sleaze I'm wagering


Kato: He's changing. He believes it is for the good, but it is not.


Charlie: [To Sebastian, in a low voice] It could also have something to do with his rather unconventional marriage!


Clint: His wife is... err... a very loving woman.


Alice: [Gives Sebastian a baleful look, before turning to Kato] Let's lighten the mood. Can I have one of those love potions please? [To the party] Deucie will find this a hoot.

Kato: You do know that they're not real and only for dim bulb tourists who don't know any better?

Alice: I'll also need a t-shirt that says "Idiozas do it wrong".

Kato: I'll wrap it up for you.


Sebastian: [To Charlie and Clint] He's married?


Harvey: [Returns from a stall with a mouthful of golden honeyed locusts] Who's married, eh?


Charlie: [Nods and mouths to Sebastian] I'll tell you later! [To Harvey, in a normal voice] Why, I am, of course. You know how we women are, constantly going on and on about domestic bliss and so forth!

;;; Harvey's wife is Jasmine, a prostitute who continued

;;; "working" even after they married. Harvey has long

;;; been in denial about this, insisting that his wife does

;;; charity work for troubled young boys!


Dur: Yes, yes, while your husband continues to cut a bloody swath across the country. [Exasperated] WE GET IT! [Turning back to Harvey] Perhaps a full= medical examination is in order?


ll medical examination is in order?

Harvey: [Panics] Er, nonesense, Doctor! I'm far too sick to undergo any kind of stressful activity, what?


Sebastian: [Grinning at Harvey] Sick? Oh, but that's the perfect reason to have a full medical examination. How fortunate and lucky for you Dur is here to do it, and free of charge too


Charlie: [Quickly] Oh, no! I mean, we have so much to do, there isn't time for that just now. We really must be going and try to find this Louie before he escapes.


Austin : At last. Let us get moving then. At this rate the only thing we are going to catch is old age.

;;;; afk alot today


Alice: Oh, poo on Louie! He's long gone. Let's go and meet Deucie instead.

[KATO returns with ALICE's tourist tat, which she hands to her.]

Kato: That'll be 2GP.

Alice: [Counts out a painfully large number of copper pieces until she eventually has the cash] Here we go. [Hands it to Kato]

Kato: [Flinches as she and Alice touch hands, causing the money to spill all over the counter] Ow! [Fixes Alice with a steely gaze] You have darkness in you, child! Darkness!

;;; No posting today! Back to normal tomorrow


Austin : I see that customer service ends as soon as you hand over the money. [To Alice] You might want to check the warranties on those items.


;;; will be afk a lot tomorrow. We have a production deployment so I

expect my boss to camp at my desk again


Sebastian: [To the party] I think Alice might actually have a valid point. We've got Charlie back, and we got out unharmed. There's no need to go after Louie. Besides, some of us still want to know what caused us those headaches. If Louie knew he'd have said already, he was there and didn't get one. To the dig site I say!

;;; Will be AFK today until about 3pm I think. Wont be here at all Friday.


Charlie: Well, I would certainly much rather go to a dig than continue looking for this seedy little man, but I should like to hear what this person has to say, as she seems to have some sort of ability to read people. [To Kato] What darkness do you see in Alice?


Alice: [Whinily to Kato] Shut uuuup!

Kato: [To Charlie] The dark kind.


Charlie: Really?! [Intrigued, hands Kato a copper piece] And what do you see in me?


Kato: [Looks at the copper piece] Arrogance and stinginess.


Charlie: [Pockets the copper piece haughtily] Enough of this nonsense! To the dig, group!


Austin : [Looks worried] The headaches we experienced may have been related to Charlie's ressurection, in some unplesant way. [Frowns]


Alice: [Peers at Charlie] They could! We got them almost immediately after she died!


Charlie: [Fascinated] How peculiar! Could we be somehow linked to one another? And perhaps the death of one causes pain to the others? [Scans the party thoughtfully] Who was the last to die before me?


Alice: Probably Austin, but that was ages ago.


Charlie: Could sharing that dream, [in a low voice] the burning dove one, have connected us, somehow?


Sebastian: What burning dove? I don't remember that!


Charlie: Oh, right! [To Pestilence] Could we perhaps talk to our insurance provider?


Austin : [Enthusiastically] That is a jolly good idea.


Kato: [Slaps the counter in front of her] No! It is not! You have a hunger in you, Austin, a hunger that will destroy the party!

Alice: [Looks at Austin, shocked] Even me?

Kato: You'll destroy yourself long before that happens!

Alice: Thank Phili for that!


Charlie: [To the party, glaring pointedly at Kato] Let us find somewhere more private to discuss this at once!


Austin : [To Kato] A hunger, what kind of hunger? The hunger for fine tailored designer clothing?


Harvey: Don't be ridiculous, Private Sleaze! Clearly it's a hunger for honeyd golden locusts!

;;; Sorry folks - did say I'd be afk a bit today


;;; No problem!

Pestilence: Looks like you guys are gonna have a whole lot of fun! [To Charlie] No more getting killed, okay? I'd better get back to Will.


Austin : [Looks crest fallen. To Kato] Perhaps you mean my hunger for my former fiancee, Lucy?


Kato: [Harshly] Yes! Love will destroy you all!


Austin : [Sheds a tear] Oh. [Sniffs and brightens up] Oh, well, I'd say that's a fair exchange.

;;;; out for rest of day


Sebastian: Desruction by love? Ha! I laugh in its face [Pauses then lowers voice] Then I hide until it goes away


Charlie: [Gives Pestilence a kiss] Goodbye, darling! Do be careful, and please cancel that awful insurance policy. What would poor Will do if she lost us both?!


Alice: Probably go on a killing rampage.

Pestilence: I would hope so! [Kisses Charlie once more, before heading off]


Charlie: [Laughs weakly] Er, that was just another one of his silly little jokes. [Briskly] Right, let us go to the dig!


Dur: [To Kato] Oooh Ooooh! Do me next! Do me!


Kato: [Reaches over and grabs Dur's hand, staring into his eyes] You shall... [thinks] you will.. [yawns] You'll meet someone and be very happy, blah blah blah, very much in love with your soulmate. [Suddenly looks startled] Wait! That already happened!


Sebastian: Ok I give, what do your soothseer ways tell you about me? [Smiles at Kato]


Charlie: [Unimpressed] So, you can predict the past, can you?!


Dur: [Looking worried] Oh no! I didn't eat her did I?


Harvey: [Looks worried] Er, perhaps we should move away from this individual at once, troop! She


Last from John and Kevin

;;; Why do you put such temptation my way? WHY??!

Kato: [Coldly to Charlie] I can also predict the present. Watch. You shall be an annoying bitch. [Looks at Sebastian] Your energy is not yet in tune with the others, so your path isn't yet clear.

;;; Gone for an hour!


Clint: [Impressed despite himself.] Wow, she's good!


Charlie: [Glares at Clint. To Kato, gritting her teeth angrily] You are nothing more than a charlatan, as well as being quite absurd. Thus, we have nothing more to say to you! [Claps her hands imperiously] Group, to the dig, at once!


Sebastian: [To Clint] She's not that good, she said Charlie would be an annoying bitch. She got that wrong.


Harvey: Yes, she forgot to say 'very', what?


Clint: [Glances at the door should Pestilence return.] She forgot to say "married." C'mon then! [Heads for the door.]

;;; Ouch, John! =)


Alice: [To Kato] I said good day! [Exits]


Charlie: [To Harvey, with a sniff] Colonel, really! Is there any need to be so rude?! [Heads in the direction of the dig]

;;; I know! Poor recently dead Charlie! ; )


Harvey: Nonsense! I don't know what you are referring to, what? [In a lower voice] But then I should be used to that by now.

;;; Heh, I wonder what's up with Harvey today? ;)


Clint: You and me both, Harv, you and me both. [Follows Charlie.]

;;; Old age sucks!


Sebastian: [Rolls his eyes at Kato's words then follows Charlie and the others]

;;; Harvey's being more bitchy than Charlie haha. Or would that be catty?


[Exit the rest of the party.]

Kato: [Laughs] He will have the worst end of all!

;;; End of scene, next one coming right up


[Book VIII, Scene, VII. The Streets of Idioza. ALICE, AUSTIN, CHARLIE, CLINT, DUR, HARVEY and SEBASTIAN are here. The place is quite busy, with lots of people buzzing around, about half of whom look like the sort of nerdy types one would expect at an archeological dig, while the other half are an eclectic mix of weirdoes, ravers, sportos, motorheads, geeks, sluts, pinheads,dweebies, wonkers, and richies.]

Alice: Wow! This archeology thing must be more interesting than -- hey! Look! [Points at a poster]

[The poster reads "Tonight only! Sexy Penis! Venue: The 'Come on, Stay Inn'."]

Alice: [Barely able to contain her excitement] Oh. My. God.

;;; Sexy Penis are a notorious rock band.

;;; They are infamous for wrecking virtually every venue that

;;; they have ever played, and it is almost impossible for them

;;; to find somewhere to take them.


;;; The only instruments they use are drums, and, in lieu of

;;; using drumsticks, they use the appendage from which

;;; they get their band name.


;;; Unless your character has been living under a rock, they

;;; will have heard of and *at least* like Sexy Penis. The

;;; rockingest naked band in the world, and everyone

;;; will be excited at the chance to hear the immortal

;;; announcement "Will Sexy Penis please come on

;;; stage!"


;;; All but Sebastian nearly had a chance to see them

;;; in concert at Darius' wedding (link below) but, due to

;;; an unfortunate mix up, a wholesome folk band was

;;; booked instead. In the ensuing riot, everyone, including

;;; the bride (Bruni) got arrested and had to get bailed

;;; out by Darius, the only one who was not arrested.


;;; However, no one in the party has seen them live


Harvey: No, my dear, it's Sexy Penis.

;;; I don't think Harvey was there then - that was Jerrick IIRC!


Charlie: [Excited] Oh, how thrilling! I shall finally have the chance to observe a proper [finger quotes] rock and roll concert. [Unbuttons her blouse by one button, not even enough to reveal a tiny hint of cleavage, then whips out a notepad] I am ready! Let us [finger quotes] rock!


Alice: Wow, Charlie! I've never seen you quite so crazed! Well, other than that time when Pestilence was cheating on you with Phoebe, but that was fair enough. She deserved to be punched.

[Enter DEUCE and PHOEBE, coming out of a nearby hotel, which just happens to be the "Come on, Stay Inn".]

Deuce: [Looking like a deer in the headlights for a moment] Alice! [Composes himself] I mean, [gives a smile] Hey there, Pixie Stix!

Phoebe: [Gives a sneery smile] Hello Alicia. [To Charlie] Charles.


Austin : [Bright and perky] Phoebe, Deuce, hi! How are you?


Charlie: [Looks at Phoebe and shudders. To Deuce, exasperated] Deuce, what are earth are you doing with this creature? Haven't you important work to do at the dig?


Austin : [To Charlie] How can you be so jealous when you are sooo in love with Pestilence?


Harvey: [To Austin] Indeed, and especially when Dr Rourke-Burke here is *such* a good friend, what?


Alice: And how can she be jealous when Deuce is sooo in love with me? Right, Deucie?

Deuce: Er, sure! [Shakes Austin's hand] Good to see you, Aus. [Nods to the rest] Hey, everyone. [To Charlie] Phoebes is helping out at the dig. You know, she's an expert at History and Stuff.

Phoebe: [Somehow looking even skinnier and more angular than before, giving Charlie a thin smile] I'm sure you've read my work, A Brief History of History and Stuff. It's a very slim volume with lots of pictures, perfect for you. As long as you have access to a dictionary.

Deuce: [Gives a nervous laugh] What're you guys doing here? Here for the concert?


Charlie: [To Austin and Harvey, haughtily] Do be serious. My hatred of Dr. Rourke-Burke extends far beyond the fleeting jealousy I felt when Pestilence used her to determine whether or not I wanted to remain married to him. [To Deuce] Actually, we were on our way to the dig. Do tell us what you've discovered there!


Deuce: It's been shut down by HARMA! We found some fascinating old books, they must be thousands of years old!


Austin : [Pats Deuce on the back] Good to see you to! Did you get a chance to look at any of those books?


Deuce: Just a peep, but, wow, I think the whole place is about to be shaken up in a huge way.

Phoebe: [Standing very close to Deuce, to Alice's obvious dismay] It's downright s-s-scary! [Hangs on to Deuce]


Charlie: [Intrigued] Oooh, what whole place? What did you see?!


Deuce: Just one part, Puddin' Pop, but the books there, you'd love it! They were magnificent!

Alice: [Takes Deuce's other arm] And me, Deucie, I'd love them too, would I?

Deuce: Uh, sure!


Content-Type: text/plain; charset=ISO-8859-1

;;; afk for a couple of hours



Charlie: [Dreamily] Oh, it sounds splendid! I don't suppose you took some notes that I could review?


Deuce: Sure do! I'm just on my way to get them now. Why don't you guys take our -- uh, I mean, my -- room and wait up there? [Hands Charlie a key]


Charlie: [Takes the key, thrilled] Marvelous! Come along, group! You'll find this far more exciting than any so-called [finger quotes] rock concert, I assure you.


;;; Drew is out...

Sebastian: Now hang on a second, Charlie! I'm all in favour of reading boring old books, but this is Sexy Penis!

Phoebe: [Licks her lips as she looks at Sebastian] That's what I like. A man gets excited by Sexy Penis.

Sebastian: Er, thanks?


Content-Type: text/plain; charset=iso-8859-1 Content-Transfer-Encoding: quoted-printable

hoebe: [Licks her lips as she looks at Sebastian] That's what I like. A mangets excited by Sexy Penis.=0A>=0A>Sebastian: Er, thanks?=0A=0ADur: Then y= ou should meet Alice! --1181703601-1793615453-1331302457=:18151


Alice: [Nods] I love them! I have a shirt, and when I wear it, there's a big "Sexy Penis" on my chest!

Phoebe: [Disdainfully] I'm sure there often is. [Looks Dur up and down] Good grief, you are repellant. Perfect company for Charles.


Charlie: You WILL show our Dur some respect, or failing that, pity!


Content-Type: text/plain; charset=iso-8859-1 Content-Transfer-Encoding: quoted-printable



Dur: Errrr... Thanks! [Confused] I think...

Phoebe: Oh no, my dear, it's you I feel pity for. [Looks around at Clint, Harvey and Austin] What with this hotbed of homoerotic tension and all.


Austin : [Chuckles] She is almost as bitchy as Charlie, almost.


Charlie: Why should that [gestures vaguely to Clint, Harvey, and Austin] bother ME? Unlike you, I am not compulsively driven to engage in intercourse with every male I meet!


Phoebe: [To Charlie] It's just as well, dear. Imagine your disappointment. [Looks Austin up and down] My my, you almost look like a man. [To Deuce] See you at the dig!

[Exit PHOEBE, almost being blown over by the wind.]


Sebastian: [To Charlie] You know, if what you say about her exploits is true, how on earth has she managed to stay that skinny? And poor Deuce, I bet he doesn't even compare to your Pestilence [Grins] . [To the party] Now then, let us prepare for Sexy Penis! I propose we do so by foiling HARMA's plans of keeping the dig shit down!

;;; Back sooner than I thought I'd be


Alice: Hang on! I just need to hide something in the room, Deucie! [To the others] I'll be back in a few minutes! [To Deuce] This is gonna be [mysteriously] magical!

Deuce: Heh! As long as it isn't some silly potion that they sell to tourists, I don't mind. [To the others, not noticing the disappointment in Alice as she heads in] I did a quick analysis, and they are actually made up of a mild poison. [To Sebastian] Sexy Penis? A man after my own heart!


Clint: Hey, why's HARMA even letting them perform here? I thought HARMA didn't allow stuff like Sexy Penis.


Austin : [Watches Pheobe go, pondering] I wonder if Rentokill could get rid of her.


Deuce: Yeah, Clint, it's a mystery. [To Austin] Oh, she's not so bad. Besides, there's something different about a girl so straight and angular. [Laughs] Kind of like doing the business with a young boy, you know?

[There's an awkward silence as DEUCE suddenly realises what he's said.]

Deuce: Hey now, you guys know that's not what I meant, right? Austin? Clint?


Austin : No I don't know what it is like, I only have experience with adults. [Shrugs] But it really doesn't matter, as long as it make you happy and no one gets hurt. Unless they want to get hurt, naturally. [Ponders] So did you manage to get a cub scout outfit in Phoebe's size?


Charlie: [To Austin, wrinkling her nose] You really shouldn't give him ideas! Honestly, Deuce, you are perfectly vile. Why can't you just devote yourself to your research, as I suggested?


Clint: And how did you get it on her without cutting yourself?!


Harvey: [Mock-earnestly] And is Private Parker Kensington jealous?


Deuce: Austin! Come on, buddy! You know I don't like small boys! [Beseechingly to Clint] Clint, [laughing nervously] I wouldn't put a uniform on her, [thinks for a moment] not one that isn't made of metal, anyway.


Charlie: [To Harvey, incredulous] You HAVE seen my husband, have you not? [Eagerly] Right, now let us go and observe the concert. [More eagerly, to Deuce] And, after that, I want to see all of your notes on the dig!


Deuce: Sounds great! Then you can tell the others about all the sex we had when we were together, and how I never spoke of an attraction to small boys!


Austin : Okay, okay! You win! [Sarcastically] No descriptions of Charlie's elite, superior, better than anyone else can imagine, awesome sex life thank you! None of us care. [To Deuce] None of us think that you are into small boys, either. Relax!

;;;; have a groovin weekend!


Charlie: [To Austin, primly] Not to worry, Mr. Sleaze! I have no interest in discussing such matters.


Clint: I think that makes seven of us or so!


Deuce: It could be worse, Clint, we might have to listen to you talking about yours. [Makes a noise like a sheep] Baa!


Harvey: Indeed. [Ponders] You know, you could all learn a lot from me - consider my wife, eh? Now, there was a virtouous woman. [To Charlie] You should follow her example, Private, what?


Charlie: [Wryly] Yes, Colonel, I have no doubt there is much she could teach me.


Sebastian: [Sarcastically] Yes Colonel we could. You could teach us all how to get in to the habit of saying 'what' after everything we say [To Clint] Isn't that right Private?

;;; Sending this now as it looks like I'm going to be away from a

computer all day Monday. I'll also be AFK from 2 til 3 Tuesday, and

Wednesday I could be gone all day again, or at least most of it, but

not sure yet.


Harvey: [Sarcastically] I say, what an excellent use of sarcasm - not petty and immature at all, what?


;;; Ooops - the post number should have been 41 - my bad


Austin : Perhaps we could get on with the job at hand?

;;;; out all tomorrow


Alice: Come on, let's check out the room -- it's great! Deucie even got a sexy nightie for me, although it's way too small. Men!


Sebastian: Good idea Austin.

;;; quick post to correct post numbers before they get anymore out of

whack, and now im out for the rest of the day


Alice: More scarcasm? Come on, let's get back to the hotel and wait for Deuce.


Charlie: Wonderful! That will give me an opportunity to make some notes in preparation for our meeting with him.


[The party head back to the hotel and up towards their room. As they approach, they can hear the sound of someone sobbing from a nearby one.]


Austin : It sounds like some one is having a bad day. [Listens at a few doors to find out which one it is]


Alice: Not everyone can be loved by someone as great as Deuce!

[It is room #69, two doors up from DEUCE's room.]


Harvey: Indeed. There's probably not much we can do for them, what? We should leave them to their privacy, eh?


Charlie: [Muses] I suppose that does make some sense, but what if she's been hurt? Here, I'll just give a quick knock and check. [Gently raps on the door] Hellooo?


[A girl's voice answers, sniffling back tears.]

Voice: Just a minute!

[Cue sounds of someone quickly tidying up.]

;;; Out for about 1.5 hours!


Charlie: [Stands awkwardly at the door, waiting] Right, look sympathetic, group!


Austin : We already have the greatest of sympathy for you, Charlie. Now, let us see what is up with this lady. [knocks on the door]


;;; Drew's out

Sebastian: How's this? [Puts on his best sympathetic face]

Alice: You look a little constipated.

Sebastian: How about this? [Looks less sympathetic]

Alice: Hey! I almost believe it!

[The door is opened by PENNY STAINER, one half of the folk group Sexy Penis. However, not the Sexy Penis that the party would hope to see. Their band is pronounced Sea Zee Pen Is. Se for Setar, Xy for Xylophone, Pen for Penny and Is for Isobel.]

Penny: [Who has clearly been crying] Hello.

;;; All but Sebastian saw this Sexy Penis at Darius' wedding. Their performance

;;; was so rage inducing it caused the riot.


Charlie: [To Penny, patting her on the shoulder] Oh, you poor dear! I know, people can be so cruel, but it is better to know now that you are not [finger quotes] crowd-pleasing. [Helpfully] Perhaps you could find work in music in a behind-the-scenes capacity?


Penny: [Clearly not understanding] What? No, people love our music. Why, just the other day, Screw My Ass, a song about a young virgin asking for her wooden donkey carving to be put up on the wall with a good screw, was named number one in the HHH.


Harvey: [To the party] As I said, clearly a lost cause, what?


Alice: HHH?

Penny: HARMA Wholesome Hit Parade.


Charlie: [Shudders] I might have guessed you would thrive in the days of HARMA! [Puzzled] But why are you crying, then?


Penny: Because people keep mixing us up with another band! What are they called? [Turns to address someone else in the room] What's the name of that other band?

[The party can see that she is talking to ISOBEL CUMBERLAND, the other half of Sexy Penis.]

Isobel: [Looks at a flyer with a picture of a huge penis on it, and reads slowly] Sexy Penis. [Looks at the party] I mean, come on!

;;; Out for about an hour


Austin : It matters not what we think colonel, the proletariat clearly see potential. [To Penny] Why are you crying?


Alice: [Aghast] Oh no! Does this mean that it's not Sexy Penis who are playing but you losers? Er, I mean, you really gear people!

Isobel: [Sobbing] See? See what keeps happening?


Harvey: Hmm, well not to worry. Just don't write a ballad about your frustration, eh?

;;; Will be out for most of tomorrow.


Charlie: [Too quickly] But not right now, of course!


Penny: How could you be so [sobs] h-h-heartless?

Alice: Huh, that doesn't sound half bad!

;;; So, DST is over in the US and we're now an hour

;;; closer. Should make posting MUUUUCH easier!


Clint: Don't worry, babe, it comes with practice! Sort of like being a successful band...

;;; It would if the time change hadn't absolutely wrecked me! Sorry

about that - back on track tomorrow, hopefully.


Austin : [Consoles Penny with a warm hug] Come now, at least you are not heartless like these vagrants. You will be famous one day I am certain.

;;;; out for the rest of the day!


Penny: Thank you! You're so nice, not like those awful lawyers we have to deal with. [Gives Harvey a quick glare] I bet you're a lawyer!


Charlie: [To Penny] Now, there is no need to be nasty! We are here to help you. Perhaps you need some sort of marketing campaign to explain the difference in your band and that of Sexy Penis?


Penny: That's what we're trying to do, to advertise our new album, "All About The Cock".

Isobel: [Enthusiastically] It's about a plucky young cockerel who moves to a new farm, and all the adventures he has with the other animals!


Charlie: [Cringes] Oh, dear. [Gently] Could you perhaps change the spelling of your name? Perhaps you could be CZ Pen would stop mispronouncing your name, thus ending the cause for confusion.


Penny: [Writes it out, but then blushes] Oh no! Look! [Points to the "Pen It almost looks like the name for a man's, you know what!


Charlie: Well, then, how about CZ PI, pronounced Sea Zee Pie. That way, you could do all manner of cutesy pie imagery in your marketing materials, suggesting that your music is as wholesome as Mummy's Apple Pie, that sort of thing?


Penny: I like it, although maybe we could do something with our names instead? Just so there's no confusion about who we are? You know, like Cumberland-Stainer or something?


Sebastian: I think that's a brilliant name and idea Penny, certainly gets rid of any chance of more confusion later


Penny: [Beaming] Thank you! Another non-lawyer! [Looks at the leaflet] Huh. There is only space for nine letters, maybe we should go for StaiCumbe or something like that? [Checks her watch] Oh dear! We need to get this to the printer. Who has nice handwriting?

Alice: Me! Me!

Penny: Okay, can you put in the first part of both names?

Alice: Will do! [Sets to work]

Penny: [To the party] So! Will you be our guests at the concert? We can reserve a table for you right at the front!


Charlie: [Regretfully] We would be delighted, but I am afraid we have important, top-secret work to attend to tonight. Another time, perhaps!


Harvey: [Quietly] We could see if we can do something more enjoyable, like getting mauled by wild bears instead, what?


Sebastian: That was a bit harsh Harvey [To Charlie] Do you guys never have a day or a night off from this life style? You know, just unwinde for a few hours or something? Or is it always from one job straight in to the next? I think we should accept offered table.


Harvey: [Confused] Eh? Harsh? What was harsh? Anyway, let us move on to our next objective - securing lunch!

;;; I'm back!


Alice: I think Sebastian is right! And I think there's going to be a nice surprise at the concert, too!


Clint: I think you mean "a riot," Bimbo!


Charlie: What sort of surprise do you anticipate?!


Sebastian: Clint, do you predict a riot?

;;; couldn't resist that one. i'll be out for an hour in about 10 minutes


Alice: A riot of surprise, Stinky! [To Charlie, dramatically and mysteriously] The surprising kind!


Clint: Depends on if this two go on stage or not!


Alice: And on the surprise! [To Penny] Be sure to drop by some of those leaflets when they're printed!

Penny: Will do! Thanks for all your help, we won't forget this!

[Exit the party, into DEUCE's room.]


[Book VIII, Act VII, Scene VII. Deuce's Hotel Room. ALICE, AUSTIN, CHARLIE, CLINT, DUR, HARVEY and SEBASTIAN are here, having just arrived. The room is a mess, with clothes and half eaten hams strewn all over the place.]

Alice: [Enthusiastically] I cleaned the place up for Deucie!


Charlie: [Looks around the room, wrinkling her nose] Is THIS the surprise?


Harvey: [Drily] Why? Are you not surprised?


Alice: No! The surprise is -- oh! I see! You're trying to trick me into saying it! [To Harvey] And stop being such and old grump!


Clint: [Looks around the room.] Just like home!


[The door opens. Enter DEUCE and PHOEBE. The former looking pretty unhappy.]

Phoebe: [Looks around at the party] I love what you've done with the place.


Charlie: [Looks around the room] You do? I thought the smell of meat would surely make you ill!


Dur: What's wrong Deucie?


Phoebe: That's okay, dear. I can barely smell it over the pungent odour of your perfume.

Deuce: [To Dur] Two things, Dur! First, you're calling me Deucie! Second, those HARMA assholes have taken everything related to the dig! Priceless historical artefacts that belong in a museum! I mean, there's only the stuff that I stole and hid for my personal collection that hasn't been taken!


Sebastian: [To Charlier] Personally I would have thought the smell of meat would have been appealing to her. [To Deuce] I take it only Alice is allowed to call you Deucie then? As for the artefacts, do you know where HARMA put them?


Deuce: Haven't a clue, Seb. Probably taken them back to Queens View.

Phoebe: [To Sebastian, licking her scarily thin lips] Got any meat in mind, hunk?


Charlie: [To Deuce, sympathetically] How dreadful! Thank goodness for your immorality. [Eagerly] Could I see the items you secured?


Harvey: Yay. If only more people were as unscrupulous as [Emphasis] *Deucie*. He certainly is an example to us all, what?


Sebastian: [To Deuce excitedly] Then perhaps a rescue attempt should be in order, along with added vandalism to HARMA property. [To Pheobe] Er...The hunks of ham on the floor?


Phoebe: Sure, knock yourself out. You'll need the energy. [Gives him a wink]

Deuce: Perhaps! But we need to track them down first. [To Charlie] I gave them to a buddy of mine who says he can find somewhere safe for them. I don't know what I'd do without Louie.


Clint: And by that, he means those. [Points at the ham.] Anyway, the kid's right. I say we go get that stuff back!


Charlie: [Groans] Deuce, you didn't! How could you let them leave your possession?! Quickly, tell me everything you can remember, before beer and ham blots out another portion of your brain for good! [Flips open a notepad frantically]


Sebastian: Not Louie! [Sighs emphatically] Now we have two treasure hunts on our hands, unless Louie is already working on stealing the rest from HARMA. And just when I thought we'd never have to deal with him again.


Deuce: Well, let's see. Phoebes here had some extra strong rum, and boy, for a skinny girl, she sure can drink a lot!


Harvey: I say, do you mean like several times her own weight in whiskey? [Considers] That'd be about one shot, right?


Deuce: Yeah, you'd imagine that, but no, she's immune to the stuff!

Phoebe: [To Harvey] You'd be surprised what I can [licks her lips salaciously] suck down, big boy.


Harvey: Marvellous. [To the party] I say, am I the only person who feels the urge to explode with vomit?


Sebastian: [To Harvey] Not quite, I was thinking I'd rather sign up to HARMA, but that's basically the same thing


Dur: Perhaps it is a side-effect of her malnutrition? [To Phoebe] Remind meto schedule you for a check up, you poor thing!=


Charlie: [With an evil smile] Wonderful idea, Dur! [To Deuce] What do you remember about the items you found on your dig, you absurd man, not what you and this creature did on your date!


Clint: Careful, doc! Don't cut yourself on her shoulders!


Sebastian: [To Dur] I agree with Charlie. In fact, why don't you take her somewhere private and give her a full physical checkup right now?


Phoebe: [To Harvey] Come on into the bathroom, and I'll show you how. [To Dur] Oooh. Playing doctor! We can take turns! [Gives him a wink] I'm going to the bathroom. No peeking!

[Goes into the bathroom, and leaves the door very far ajar.]

Alice: [Appalled, slamming the door] Deuce! What is she doing here?

Deuce: Probably making herself sick. [To the party] She had half a slice of tomato for lunch. [To Charlie] It wasn't a date! [Nods to Alice] It was a business meeting!


Charlie: [Raises an eyebrow] Oh, yes, I'd forgotten it was a business meeting. With heavy drinking. [Snaps her fingers] Now, Deuce, focus! What can you tell me about the items you found at the dig?


Alice: [Relieved] Phew!

Deuce: [To the others] It was all books, written in that same, crazy Fauxnician language that you guys found before!


Sebastian: You guys found a crazy language? Tell me more, this just got interesting.


Charlie: [Excited beyond all reason] Really?! [To Sebastian] We found a prophecy written in this peculiar language, but it was only a few lines. We've never heard of entire books in this language! [To Deuce] Oh, please tell me you copied down some of the words, at least?!


Clint: [Muttering.] Oh god, she's having a nerdgasm. [Speaks up.] Would you and Deuce like some alone time, maybe?


;;; No posts today! :(


Alice: [Looks at Charlie, but then back at Clint] No! Deucie and I can get together later, after the surprise!


Charlie: [To Clint, brightly] No need! Deuce and I are well used to working in a group and tuning out mindless droning. [To Deuce] Like that absurd Dr. Phillips, who always goes on and on about the feelings of indigenous folk and why they might object to our taking their blankets and dishes and such!


Austin : [Frowns. To Charlie] Dr. Phillips does have a point. It is highly unethical to steal from the poor. Appart from fornication with demons, what other depths of depravity do you stoop to?


Charlie: [Primly] It isn't considered fornication when one is married. As for the other bit, if you can think of a better way to preserve local folkart treasure and such, I should very much like to hear it!


Alice: You know, why don't we all head down for some dinner?


Austin : Perhaps if you do not steal their possesions, they will be able to stay alive, thereby preserving their culture, way of life, art and native ways!


Charlie: [To Dom] But those people will just ruin those things! [To Alice] I would much rather hear what Deuce has to say about these books he saw.


Sebastian: I have to admit food does sound good, but I'd much rather hear more about this language and the books. Alice why don't you take Phoebe with you and both of you get something to eat? Or you could eat her.

;;; Out for about 3 hours guys


Harvey: [Incredulous] You would rather look at some dusty old books than eat? [To Dur] This man needs medical attention at once! You must find us a competent doctor!


Dur: [Tearing up] What am I? Chopped liver? [Dur's stomach growls and he drools a bit] Mmmmmm.... Chopped liver...=


Deuce: Come on, we can walk and talk! The books were amazing, there were a couple of sets of ten, and each set seemed to have the same volumes!


Harvey: [To Dur] That's probably the last time I'll be able to eat chopped liver, thankyou. [To Sebastien] Come on, man! A seven-course meal will get your apetite back, eh?


Charlie: [To Deuce] How curious! Did you capture any of the titles?


Austin : Or copy them down if they were in that weirdy language the prophecy was written in?


Deuce: Unfortunately not, but I'm pretty sure it was the same language you guys had -- it had the same crazy mix of characters.


Charlie: [Excited] How extraordinary! [Urgently] Deuce, we MUST find a way to get those books back. HARMA will probably simply burn them!


Deuce: Too right, Puddin' Pop. You know, I'm just surprised they didn't burn them right there and then.


Harvey: [Intrigued despite himself] And what *were* they doing with them?


Deuce: Huh. Good question, Harv. I've no idea.

[The party arrive in the hotel restaurant.]

;;; Out for an hour!


Clint: Maybe they're preserving local folkart treasure and such.


Sebastian: [To Dur and Harvey] Seven course meal? I'm still kinda full from when were in the Care Bare's dimension a few hours ago actually, though a little peckish. And liver is yucky. [To Charlie] So what did the prophecy say?


Charlie: [To Clint] I seriously doubt that. They haven't the same drive to protect and preserve that we academics have! I wonder if they know something we do not know about these books and their significance.


Clint: It's probably what the books those HARMA goons took are meant to tell us.


Austin : They must do, otherwise they would surely have burned them on site, as an example to the populace. They love that kind of display of power and oppression.


Charlie: [To Sebastian, in a low, excited voice] It was all terribly cryptic, written in an unknown language and full of symbolism. [Sadly] Essentially, though, it foreshadowed the death of Clementine.

;;; This is probably where Conor would explain

;;; who Clementine was, but maybe he already told

;;; you, Drew??


Alice: [Helpfully] I made a copy of it on a napkin! [Shows Sebastian]

Deuce: Well, whoever wrote the books at least spoke the same language as whoever wrote the prophecy.


Harvey: Or at least wrote the same language, what? [Looks for a waiter] Now where is the blasted food, by the saints?


[Enter HERB HENRI, a snooty looking waiter carrying a tiny chicken on a tray.]

Herb: Good hevening, I ham your waiter. [Looks at the party with obvious disdain.]


Austin : [To Herb] Ahh, there you are! Good evening, and could you enlighten us as to your menu for today, please.


Charlie: [To Herb, helpfully] And could you please enunciate more clearly? Otherwise, we might think ham is the only thing on the menu.


Sebastian: [To Alice] Thanks, mind if I hang on to it for now? [Goes to pocket he napkin. To Charlie] Yeah, after being in that room with that smell, ham is certainly the last thing on my mind.

;;; I remember Conor mentioning something to me a while

;;; back about Clementine but the details escape me.

;;; Did Phoebe join the party?


Harvey: Clearly you're not well, what? [To Herb, looking at the tiny chicken] Could you bring our food more than one bite at a time - that would seem more efficient, what?

;;; Heh Charlie would love that!


Alice: [To Sebastian] Yeesh, it's all I can think about!

Herb: Certainly, sir, would you like me to chew it, too? [To Austin] In this restaurant, sir, we choose the most haproppriate food for you.

;;; Nope, she's still in the bathroom upstairs!


Austin : No thank you, I chew my own food. [Claps his hands together] Excellent, a good restaurant for a change! [To Herb] And what delights have you chosen for us today?


Dur: Oh come on Aus! You never know until you try. There is something very satisfying about shoveling food in your mouth and foregoing the chewing pro= cess all together. [Turns to the waiter] You don't happen to serve the foodby regurgitating it into our mouths do you? That's how mum used to do it!

;;; Hope you all have already eaten ^^


Kevin #57

rocess all together. [Turns to the waiter] You don't happen to serve the food by regurgitating it into our mouths do you? That's how mum used to do it=

Harvey: [Regards Dur for a moment before turning to the waiter] If you even think of trying that, I will force-feed you your own arse.

;;; Not any more!


process all together. [Turns to the waiter] You don't happen to serve the food by regurgitating it into our mouths do you? That's how mum used to do i=

Herb: [Raises an eyebrow at Austin] For you, sir, might I suggest some succulent panda cub, stuffed with snakes feet that have been warmed between the thighs of virgins for twenty minutes, accompanied by a bottle of our Dome Penguin?

;;; Which, as everyone knows, is the best champagne!

Alice: Wow! What should I get?

Herb: A stale burger left over from someone else's meal. [Gives Harvey a disgusted look for a moment, before licking his lips] You won't need to force me.

;;; You people disgust me!


Charlie: [To Harvey, in a low, urgent voice] Colonel, please! There is no need to threaten this poor man. [To Herb, in a normal voice] Now, what would you suggest for me? [To the party, excited] Oh, this is so much fun! I do love surprises.


Herb: I suggest the Chief's Surprise.

Alice: Don't you mean the Chef's Surprise?

Herb: No. [To Deuce] Ham?

Deuce: You know it!


Harvey: [To Herb] Why don't you suggest a large polar bear steak with a side of snakes feet for me?


Clint: Because that would make too much sense?


Herb: Because a plain green salad is what you'll be getting.


Charlie: [To Herb] But that wouldn't suit the Colonel at all! Surely there is some animal you could kill to top his salad, at least?


Austin : [To Herb] Well, that all sounds delightful, I am really looking forwards to this!


Sebastian: [To Herb] And what would you suggest I have?

;;; Kevin check your mailing list, I just spotted I didn't get the

last email you sent.


Clint: Not as much as I'm looking forward to them trying to get Harv to eat mixed greens...


Harvey: Clearly these people like living on the edge, what? If I see one piece of lettuce, there'll be all kinds of hell to pay, by the saints.


Herb: Very well, sir, I shall return with two pieces!

[Exit HERB, almost falling over PHOEBE, who has just returned.]

Phoebe: Ah! I'm certainly feeling full!


Charlie: [Shudders at the sight of Phoebe] Oh, had your fill of infant entrails already?!


Phoebe: No, I found a delicious drink in a rather childishly painted mug in the bathroom. Your work?

Alice: Hey! That was mine! It was a [sulkily] present for Deucie.


Sebastian: I guess old Herbs decided I'm not having anything then.


Austin : [To Alice] Never mind, it was a nice idea.


Phoebe: He could probably see your enormous beer guy. [Gives a shiver]


Alice: But it was a love potion! I bought it from that stand!

Phoebe: So I might fall in love with Deuce. Interesting.

Deuce: Oh. You do know that those potions are a mild form of poison, right?

;;; As he warned Alice in 07.06.026!


Charlie: [Delighted, watches Phoebe expectantly. To Phoebe] Feel anything yet? How about now?!


Clint: This is no time to let your grudge against Phoebe get in the way, Chuck. [Turns to Dur.] Doc, do your thing.


Phoebe: Sorry to disappoint you, dear, but I'm feeling just fine.

[PHOEBE's stomach gives an alarming lurching sound.]

Phoebe: Oh.

Deuce: That'll probably be the uncontrollable diarrhea.

Phoebe: Impossible. I haven't eaten any solid food in three years!


Charlie: [Sighs deeply] Very well! [To Phoebe, helpfully] Why don't you make yourself vomit? I suspect you are quite adept at that, and it would be a safer way to expel the poison than [glances tactfully at Dur] other methods.


Phoebe: I think I might have to, before I [tails off for a moment, before giving massive fart that sends her flying onto the table]


Clint: Haw! [Backs away from the table, just in case.]


;;; Bank holiday here today, back to normal tomorrow!


Alice: Waiter! There's something in my soup!

Phoebe: [Looks up] You idiot!


Charlie: [Wrinkles her nose. To Phoebe] Do take that sort of thing away from the table. It is rather off-putting.


Harvey: Need I remind you that you're the one who appears to be training for the professional farting team of Apraxia in my daughter's soup?


;;; Damn! I meant niece's soup! Put it down to age!


Austin : Colonel, she is you niece, not your daughter, although she is so lovely it is easy to see why you should wish that was so.


Alice: Thanks Daddy! I mean, Harvey!

;;; Eww! John, you're starting to creep me out!

Phoebe: [Pulls herself off the table, but points at Alice] I'll be back, and when I do, I'm going to take him once and for all. You'll never be with him again.

Deuce: Hey, come on, girls, there's plenty of ol' Deucie to go around! [Sees that neither of them are happy with this suggestion] Er, um, that is...


Charlie: [Disgusted] Deuce, you are a PIG. [To Alice, patting her on the arm] You are far better off without him, I can assure you. One day, you will find a man like Pestilence, who will far surpass your wildest expectations.


Alice: What? Hey! I see what's going on here! You're trying to get Deuce for yourself!

Phoebe: I'm going up to have my first bowel movement in years, and then I'll take a rest while my tender passage heals. And then, [licks her lips salaciously] it's sexy time!

[Exit PHOEBE, as a number of people around her look ill.]


Charlie: [Watches Phoebe leaving, shuddering. To Deuce, sternly] Deuce, don't you have something to say to Alice? Be kind and make sure you are perfectly clear, as she gets confused rather easily. [Eagerly] But do be quick, as I am dying to hear more about the books you found!


Deuce: Uh, sure, I love you, Pixie Styx!

Alice: Aw! Thanks Deucie! Let me get ready for the surprise, and I'll be back soon.

[Exit ALICE.]


Charlie: [Aghast] Deuce, how could you?! You WILL break up with Alice at once. You are stringing her along most callously!


Harvey: Um, yes and we're all shocked and amazed, what?


Deuce: Come on, guys! She knows that it's just casual, right?

;;; Called out for the afternoon, no posting

;;; until at least 4. Apologies for the short notice


Austin : I am fairly sure that she knows of no other form or relationship.


Clint: I dunno, lawyer, she seems pretty serious on this one! For some reason.


Deuce: Nah! She's not taking it seriously... [worried look] is she? I mean, it's not like we're engaged or something!


Charlie: You KNOW that she thinks you are engaged!! Why do you think she had that enormous book of wedding plans?!


Deuce: Wedding plans? [Aghast] I thought that was pornography!


Charlie: [To Deuce, baffled] How can you possibly have thought that was pornography? The lighting was much more subdued, everyone was fully clothed, and there were no riding crops in sight!


Austin : An easy mistake to make in this case.

;;;awa hame


Deuce: You clearly haven't read it as carefully as I did!


Clint: C'mon, Sarge, that just means it was still in the first thirty seconds. You know, the "plot" part!


Deuce: See!

[Enter HERB HENRI, along with half a dozen waiters, each carrying a huge tray with a silver dome over it.]

Herb: Dinner.... his served!


Harvey: Nice to see you paying so much attention to your wedding plans. [Frowns] When you didn't know they were wedding plans, eh?


Deuce: Exactly, Harv! I knew you'd understand!


Harvey: Hmm, indeed. [To Alice] How do you feel about this, my dear? Should we accept his explanations or hang him upside down by his, ahem, manhood until he says sorry? [Noticing Herb] Ah, excellent. Let's see what inedible nonsense these idiots have brought us eh?


Charlie: [Shocked] Colonel, Deuce is a horrid, horrid man, but he can be counted on to do the right thing without our resorting to threats! [To Deuce] Now, you WILL do the right thing and let that poor girl down gently and immediately.


Harvey: [Confused] Threats? I'm sure I have no idea what you're referring to, what? [To Deuce] What she said, or we might do what I said, eh?


Clint: And while you're at it, get rid of Phoebe!


Sebastian: [To Harvey confused] Harvey, whose opinion were you asking for just a moment ago? [Eyeing the plates with domes] I wonder what Herbi picked for me?

;;; Alice left the restaurant in post 86.

;;; Sorry for the unannounced absense on Tuesday.

;;; Explained to Conor a few hours ago what happened.


Harvey: Why, no one in particular, of course! Speaking of courses, are these waiters waiting for something? [Also eyes the plates]

;;; Gah! I missed that post. I blinked and a bunch came in. Thanks, Drew!


Austin : They are most likely waiting for us to stop waffling, so that they may serve, colonel.

;;;; conference all day! Back tomorrow.


Charlie: [To Herb, politely] Do serve when you are ready. We shall likely never stop our chattering!


Herb: Voila! [Lifts the dome for Austin's, revealing some delicious looking succulent panda cub, stuffed with snakes feet that seem rather warm, accompanied by a bottle of Dome Penguin.

;;; Dom's gone

Austin: [Gives a polite clap] Excellent choice!

Herb: [Slams a plate down in front of each of the others] Henjoy. [Quickly lifts the lids; Harvey gets two leaves of lettuce, Charlie some unidentifiable brown slop, Sebastian a pea, Alice (who's not here) a stale looking burger, Deuce a ham, Clint an old boot and Dur a delicious looking steak with all the fixin's.]


Charlie: [Pokes at her slop with a spoon. To Herb] And what, precisely, is the surprise? That I have been given sludge from the grease trap? Do take this back at once. I shall have cucumber sandwiches with the crusts cut off.


Herb: It his boues =E0 partir du filtre =E0 graisse, madam. It has been chosen for you.


Charlie: [Squints and ponders] Boues . . . [gasps] it IS sludge from a grease filter! You dreadful man! Send out the manager at once.

;;; Oooh, very fancy, Conor!


Herb: Hat once.

[Exit HERB.]

;;; Kevin's in bed!

Dur: [Chomping away, speaking with a full mouth] Man! This place is great!

;;; I like my grease!


Harvey: [Squinting at the lettuce, then deadpan] Hmm, something entirely inedible, exactly as I predicted. I am completely surprised by this turn of events. [To the party] Perhaps I will amuse myself by doing something horrible to the staff of this dungheap. I am, of course, open to suggestions for the most amusing way for these idiots to die horribly.


[Enter HERB.]

Herb: Yes? I ham the manager? His there a problem?


Harvey: [Imitating Herb's voice] Hyes, hu-thereh his ha hu-problehm. Hwe hwere hexpecting [With emphasis on the word "food"] *hu-food*, hu-because hwe harre hhhunghry, hand hwould hu-likeh hu-to heat hu-some *hu-food*.


Deuce: [Eating his ham] Easy there, Harv!

Herb: I have no hidea what you are talking about.


Harvey: [Confused again] Deuce, what are you talking about, eh? What exactly is "easy"? [To the Party] Let's just kill this idiot [Indicating Herb] and raise the collective intelligence of the human race by at least five percent. what?


Herb: [Laughs nervously] Very hamusing, sir.


Charlie: [To Harvey, shocked] Colonel, what is wrong with you?! [To the party, nodding at Harvey] Group, we need to leave at once.


Herb: Yes, leave at once, and take him with you. The smell here will improve dramatically if you do.


Harvey: Eh? Nothing's wrong with me, though leaving does sound like an excellend idea, by the saints!


Harvey: That's it, come here you pathetic weasel! [Attempts to grab Herb by the throat]


Charlie: [Lunges for Harvey] Colonel, NO!


[HARVEY grabs HERB, crashing against the table as he does so.]

Austin: Colonel! Control yourself! [Steadies his food from sliding off the table]

Herb: [Screaming like a girl, and dropping his accent] Help! Help me!


Charlie: [To the party, urgently] Help me get him out of here! [Tries to pull Harvey off of Herb]


;;; John had to go out!

Harvey: [As Sebastian grabs hold] Okay, okay! I'll stop!

[Everyone relaxes, and HARVEY sits back, only to punch HERB again.]

Herb: Ow!


Sebastian: [Leaps up and grabs Harvey, attempting to pull him off Herb] Colonel stop that at once! You're hogging all the fun to yourself. At least give the rest of us a chance to join in!


Clint: Sorry, Harv, but you're not acting like yourself! [Tries to help Charlie.]


Harvey: I'm fine! [Sits down and folds his arms] Just teaching him a lesson, what!

Herb: [Slowly gets up] I'm sorry, sir, I'll get you some proper food now. For all of you, in fact, and I promise, there'll be no spitting at all in the food.

Austin: [Having heroically stopped any food from being spilled] Colonel, you are an oaf.


Charlie: [To the party] Quickly, help me take him outside! [Tries to drag Harvey out of the restaurant]


Charlie: [In a low voice] Colonel, what is the matter with you?! We cannot have you assaulting people like this, even when they are very, very annoying!


Sebastian: Charlie, are you deaf? Herb is giving us real food because of it! I say Harvey should do that more often.


Charlie: Oh, do be serious. He may bring us real food, but it will have all manner of disgusting body fluid in it, you mark my words! I have seen enough disgruntled servants in my time to know the signs. Stating outright that it will not be done is a sure sign that it will be done.


Sebastian: Nonsense. You can't judge one person on the actions of countless others Charlie. I'm sure if he said it won't happen then it won't happen


Clint: Yeah, guys, we're not going to ignore Charlie!


Deuce: [Picking his ham off the ground and biting into it] Yeah, I'm a little uneasy about all of this too. You sure you're okay, Harvey?

Harvey: [Jovially] Never better, what! These chappies expect firm treatment!

[Enter HERB and an army of waiters, all carrying delicious plates of food for the party.]


Charlie: [To Clint] Thank you, Mr. Scar! [To the party, crossing her arms stubbornly] You may as well send that food back, as it is only fit for the likes of Dur! [To Dur] No offense!


Dur: Wow! That is quite a response!


Deuce: Now, hang on a second, Puddin' Pop! Look at what they have here! They've got steaks, chops, a soused pigs head, complete with apple, golden honeyed locusts, jellied eels, thrushes ankles, snakes feet, crispy popadoms and curried brussel sprouts!

;;; Out for 1-1.5 hours!


Clint: Of course we're not sending it back!


Charlie: Fine, but eat at your own peril! I'll just sit here and watch in silent disgust.


Clint: As a watcher, isn't sitting there watching in silent disgust kind of your job anyway?


Harvey: [Cheerily] Well, this has been a fun evening, what?


Deuce: [To Charlie] Come on, Puddin' Pop! It's great -- this kind of cream is really great! [To Harvey] Well, other than your uncontrollable rage, of course!


Charlie: [Wrinkles her nose at the cream] How vile! [To Harvey, disapprovingly] Colonel, what on earth has gotten into you? I fear your senility has taken an ugly turn!


Harvey: Nonesense! I feel perfectly fine, what? I did get a little worked up there, but it's nothing to worry about, I assure you.


Deuce: Hey look, there's Alice! It looks like she's been outside. Let's see what she has to say.

[ALICE enters the hotel from the street, but heads upstairs.]

Deuce: Hm. [To Harvey] You did seem fairly worked up, old fella.


Charlie: [To Harvey] Is something bothering you, perhaps? Do you have any other peculiar symptoms?


Harvey: Nothing is bothering me, and I have no peculiar symptoms at all. [Angrily] And I am *not* angry! [Bellows at no one in particular] And someone bring me some spider's legs, by the blasted saints!


Herb: Of course! Of course!

[Enter ALICE, wearing a shocking short flouncy skirt, striding purposefully up to the top of the room where there is a band setting up.]

Alice: [Grabbing the microphone] And now, I've got a very special surprise, for a very special guy.

Deuce: [Shifts in his seat awkwardly] Er, I'm sure this won't be weird at all.


Austin : I hope that this will not involve singing.


Deuce: [As Alice discusses something with the band] Surely not!

[The band begins to play.]

Deuce: Oh dear.


Charlie: [To Deuce] See what happens when you are not truthful about your feelings for an unstable person?!


Deuce: Come on, Charlie, just relax and enjoy it. [Unconvincingly] It'll be great! [Half heartedly eats some ham]

[ALICE starts to sing "Satellite" by Lena, the perkiest crazed-stalker song of all time, and approaches the table, fixing DEUCE with a steely gaze as she does.]

Deuce: Gulp!


Harvey: [Gives an evil little chuckle] Heh, you should have gone with my suggestion, Deuce.


Charlie: [Horrified, nudges Deuce and whispers] Say something kind and supportive to her, then take her aside and tell her the truth!!


Austin : [Impressed] My, my, she can acutally sing. It's quite catchy too. [Bobs a little in time with the song]


Deuce: As soon as I can, Puddin' Pop!

[ALICE gets onto the table, giving everyone a flash of her super flouncy blue underwear as she does, still singing. Meanwhile, HERB arrives back with a bowl of spider legs and, although he initially looks enraged, he calms down and puts them on the table. During a musical interlude, ALICE reaches into the bowl and takes out a spider leg, popping it into her mouth. Seconds later, she seductively takes it out in front of DEUCE, pulling it from her lips, showing that it is now tied into a knot.]

Deuce: [Pales slightly] Er, very good! [Mops his brow]


Charlie: [Looks mortified, but claps supportively] Er, yes! Good show, Alice!


Austin : [Enjoying Deuce's and Charlie's responses, after nibbling a little baby panda] Oh what fun this is! [Smiles] We should do this more often.


[ALICE suddenly looks like she has been punched, although she doesn't flinch. Blood starts to come from her nose and mouth.]

Deuce: What the hell!


Harvey: [Enraged, looks around to find Herb] Where's that blasted manager? [Moves over to the stage to see if he can help Alice]


;;; She's on the table!

[ALICE keeps singing and dancing, although looking a little less certain now. The wounds keep getting worse.]

Herb: Please! I don't know what's going on! Where did she go before she started singing?


;;; Stage, table... All the same to a man as angry as Harvey

Harvey: We don't know, you fool! [To Alice] Alice, perhaps you should get down and have those injuries looked at, what?


[ALICE continues singing, looking increasingly worse.]

Deuce: Didn't she go upstairs first?


Dur: [Leaping heroicly into action he sweeps the table clear, shoving handfuls of food in his mouth as he knocks the rest to the ground] Bring her to = the table Harv! I'll have a look at her. [Bits of chewed food fly from his mouth as he tries to cast Detect Magic on Alice] =


[As ALICE continues to sing, she starts to glow as soon as DUR casts his spell.]

Deuce: Guys! What the hell is going on? What does this mean? Alice is enchanted?


Austin : [Nibbling on baby Panda, silghtly alarmed] Is this part of the show?

;;;; out for the rest of the afternoon! have a good weekend :)


Harvey: Perhaps we should take the manager upstairs and beat the living daylights out of him, what? Oh, and I suppose while we're up there we could try to find out where Alice went.


Dur: I'm the one doing the diagnosing here! Group, it looks like Alice may be enchanted and I think we need to intervene!=


Deuce: [Alarmed] And maybe check on Phoebe! Remember, we did see Alice go outside for a while, and then upstairs?

[In the middle of all this, ALICE is still singing.]


Sebastian: What can I do to help? [Looking alarmed] Maybe someone should check the room? She might have bought another love potion and used it on herself!


Last for Conor #166

Harvey: If we must, though we should be careful to not mistake her for a bowl of spider's legs, what? First though, let's see if we can control Alice. [Reaches up to grab Alice's wrist]


Deuce: Maybe we should ALL check the room!

[HARVEY grabs ALICE's wrist, but she keeps singing and dancing.]

Herb: [Timidly] Er, is everything hokay? I mean, okay?


Dur: [Moves over to help Harv] What would we do with Alice then? [Takes Alice's other wrist and tries to cast Dispel Magic on her.]


[ALICE disappears. There is absolute silence in the room, followed by thunderous applause.]


Dur: To the room! [Charges ahead]


[Exit the party and DEUCE, racing after DUR, as the other diners continue their applause.]

Herb: [To the diners] The hentertainment will hadd han hextra height GP!

[Everyone goes silent, clearly not understanding a word he just said.]

Herb: [Annoyed] Eight GP extra for entertainment!

;;; End of scene, next one coming right up!


Charlie: [Follows Dur] Oh, dear! I do hope she isn't hurt!

;;; Yowza! What a lot of posting!


[Book VIII, Act VII, Scene VIII. Outside Deuce's Room. AUSTIN, CHARLIE, CLINT, DUR, HARVEY, SEBASTIAN and DEUCE are here, having just arrived upstairs. The door is shut, and there is some terrible noise coming from within.]

Deuce: [Bewildered] What the hell is going on here?


Harvey: I hope she isn't still singing.


Harvey: Oh dear. She *is* still singing.


Charlie: [Tries to open the door] Alice! Are you all right?

;;; Heh heh! Funny, John! : )


Dur: Perhaps hearing herself sing is what is injuring her. We best stop her! [Goes to open the door] =


[CHARLIE and DUR push the door open, to reveal that ALICE is lying on the ground being beaten by what looks like a being made out of thousands of sticks. It is at least eight feet tall, has dozens of limbs and, incredibly, a head that bears a staggering resemblance to PHOEBE.]


Charlie: [Gasps] Hurry, group! [Pulls out her sword and attacks the stick-thing]


Harvey: [To Deuce] By the saints, you really can pick them, can't you? [Goes to help Charlie]


Dur: [Tries to pull Alice away from the beast] That thing is horrible... But still less terryfing than Phoebe...=


Sebastian: It could be the potion! [Casts Dispel Magic on Phoebe-Monster]


Austin: [Peering in, still munching on his panda cub] Oh dear. Most distressing!

[Everyone lays into PHOEBE, knocking her/it off ALICE, as SEBASTIAN casts his spell. Although the blows clearly hurt PHOEBE, the spell has no effect.]

Phoebe: [Gives a deafeningly high pitched scream, roaring at the party in anger] I'll kill you aaaaaaalllllll!


Clint: Yo, she-bitch! Let's go! [Keeps attacking Phoebe.]


Sebastian: [Draws his sword and aims for Phoebes head]


Harvey: [Yelling above Phoebe's screeching] Is this still the entertainment!?! I can't tell! [Attacks Phoebe]


Dur: What happened to her? [Tries to cast Wind Wall between the group and Phoebe] =


Clint: She got reeeeal ugly? I knew something was weird about her!


Charlie: [Attacking Phoebe] Do be serious! I hated her before any of you!

;;; Ah, Army of Darkness. We have

;;; so much to thank you for!


Deuce: Phoebe! What happened to you?

[A gust of wind blows through the room, but it doesn't have much effect on PHOEBE, however, she is really taking a beating from the party.]

Phoebe: [Staggering back] Deuce! Please! You can still love me, right? [Tries to give him a sexy smile, but succeeds only in making the party feel ill]

Deuce: [Considers for a moment] We-ell... I mean, no! What the hell are you?

Phoebe: [Wails] A Stick Demon! Come on, I'm still sexy, right? [Pukes up some blood and sap]

;;; As predicted by Pestilence way back in!!


;;; Out for an hour!


Sebastian: I bet a group of men stabbing her is like a dream come true for her!


Charlie: Must you purge this instant?!


Dur: [Kneels beside Alice to inspect the damage and tries to cast Cure Moderate Wounds in necessary. Then to Deuce] Honestly man, everyone should have= SOME standards!


Harvey: I don't know, Doctor she's clearly his type of girl, right Deucie? Now, Troop, let's get Alice out of here and see if we can get her sorted out, what?


Clint: Sure, Harv, but what are we gonna do about this freak here?

;;; It's the gift that keeps on giving!


Harvey: Let Prince Charming here [Indicating Deuce] deal with her. They're obviously meant to be together, what?


Sebastian: [Stands between the party and Phoebe] Get Alice of out here [Drops his sword and raises a hand toward Phoebe] I got this [Prepares to cast Burning Hands { }]

;;; Been dying to use that line from Resident Evil lol


[SEBASTIAN fires jets of flame at poor old PHOEBE and, along with a swift kick from ALICE as well as some blows from CHARLIE, CLINT and HARVEY, she soon crashes out through the window and falls the seven floors to the ground, landing with a sickening squelch.]

Alice: [Looking battered and bruised, even after Dur's spell] Yay. We got her. [Disappears]


Charlie: [Gasps] Where is Alice now?!


Sebastian: [Listens by the door after picking his sword back up] She couldn't have reappeared back in the restaurant could she?


Deuce: [Looking out the window at the completely flat Phoebe] Huh. Look at that. Phoebs looks like she's put on weight! [Looks around] Er, I mean, what the hell just happened here?


[There is a polite knock on the door. It is HERB, accompanied by ALICE, who still looks battered and bruised.]

Alice: Well done, guys, we got her!


Harvey: Okaay... So, any time anyone feels the need to explain what the blazes just happened, please don't let me stop you - just go right ahead and lay it all out, what?


Clint: [Concerned.] Well, first Phoebe had gas. Then you went nuts about food. And *then* Alice started singing to Deuce, only she disappeared, and then Phoebe turned into something even more disgusting than normal, and then we kicked her ass, and Alice disappeared, but she reappeared. You sure you're feeling all right, Harv?


Harvey: Um, absolutely! Same as always, what? Now, let's just kill everyone on general principle, right?


Dur: That seems a bit extreme, Colonel. Perhaps the rigors of leadership have been taking their toll on you...=


Charlie: [To Dur, astonished] But, how could that be?! I am the leader of the group!


Harvey: [Sarcastic and condescending] Of course you are, my dear. Now run off and play with Phoebe, there's a good girl, what?


Austin : [To Charlie, deapdan] Don't you mean that you are the Reader? The colonel is obviously the Leader. You really should pay more attention!


Deuce: [To Alice] What happened here, Pixie Stix?

Alice: I, uh, thought that there was something weird going on with her, so I wanted to come and investigate while everyone was safely downstairs.

;;; Happy Queens View Anniversary, John -- one year today!


Harvey: [Nodding at Austin's words] Well said, Private Sleaze! [Quietly to Austin] Must be the age.

;;; How much can we wind Charlie up :P

;;; Really? Thought it was more than that. I shall have cake, or

failing that, a sandwich!


Alice: Well then, I'm glad that's that settled! Now, I think I may need to lie down for a little while. [Hopefully to Deuce] Did you like the song?

Deuce: Er, it was great. Hardly scary at all!


Charlie: [Looks at Alice, narrowing her eyes] But why didn't you alert us, if you thought something was amiss? Could you really imagine we wouldn't all relish the chance to assist in removing that horrid [finger quotes] woman from our lives forever?!


Alice: I... well, I just didn't want to worry anyone!


Charlie: [To Alice, skeptically] Mm. [To Harvey] Colonel, plainly you are not yourself just now, and Alice is also behaving most peculiarly. We must get to the bottom of this at once.


Harvey: Nonesense! I care deeply for my niece, but may the saints bless her peculiar is in her nature. And if I am not myself, then who am I, eh? Answer that one! [Looks around thr group]


Alice: Er, a rage filled weirdo who tried to beat up a waiter?


Harvey: [Frowns at Alice] Hmm, are you the niece I [With emphasis] "care deeply for"?


Alice: [Gives a broad smile, that's only somewhat compromised by the blood on her teeth] Yes I am!!


Harvey: [Beams] Excellent! For a moment there I thought I heard you say I was a "rage filled weirdo who tried to beat up a waiter"! I'm obviously still me, you're Alice, Dur is... [Falters] Um, well, less said about that the better, I believe, yes?


Alice: Uh, can't you be both?


Austin : [Casually flining a finger nail] Why multitask when you can give your full attention to one cause at a time? There is nothing worse than a job poorly finished because the person or persons involved were not giving it their full attention.


Alice: [Still inspecting her] What was with the disappearing here and thereroutine?=


Charlie: An excellent question, Dur. There is something most peculiar happening, and it appears to be centered on Alice and the Colonel. [Muses] Perhaps a family curse has become activated?


Harvey: A curse that makes me feel as fit as a fiddle? That's my kind of curse! Still, I'm against curses on me in general. We must find the person responsible at once, and throw them off a cliff or something, what?!? [Starts for the door]


Alice: It wasn't a curse, I cast a spell! I got it from that nice lady at the stand! I wanted to be able to sing the song for Deuce, as well as see what that evil Phoebe was up to!


Harvey: Huh. [To Charlie] See? There's no family curse - Alice is back to her old self, and I'm the same as ever, what?


Dur: If that's the case you wouldn't mind submitting to a physical examination Colonel?=


Alice: Great idea, Dur! Now, if only we had a doctor to look at him!


Dur: Don't be foolish Alice! You don't need a real doctor when you have me!


Alice: Right! Sorry! Harvey, you take your pants off, I'll get the probulator for [smirks] Doctor Dur!


Dur: Excellent thought Nurse! Harvey, bend over and recite your alphabet backwards please!

;;; You do know that Dur will forever more call Alice "nurse" right? That'swhat you get for encouraging him!=


Charlie: There is no need to humiliate the man! [To Harvey] Colonel, have you begun taking any new medication? [To the party, helpfully] The elderly often take many medications.


Dur: If he is then we should be extremely suspicious as I haven't perscribed him anything!=


Alice: Which way should he bend, Dur? You know, it's that sort of lack of precision that could lead to full moon fever.

;;; Alice takes her nursing duties very seriously!


Harvey: Nonsense - I'm telling you I'm absolutely fine! Besides which, if I were ill, I'd hardly be in any condition to undergo any kind of physical exertion. I'm not even feeling the slightest bit irratable. Now, if any of you come near me with any of those - ahem - *instruments* you'll find them somewhere uncomfortable, what?


Alice: Come on, Harv. How do you know that they'd be uncomfortable if you don't try them?

;;; End of act, next one coming right up!