[Book VIII, Act VI, Scene I. Harvey's house. ALICE, AUSTIN, CHARLIE, CLINT, DUR, GUBBINS, HARVEY, SEBASTIAN and DEUCE are here. It is just a few minutes after the last scene.]

Alice: Deucie! You were just great! [Swoon]

Deuce: Uh, sure, thanks. [To the party] Joe means what he says -- I've also been given ten minutes to get out of town. He also fired me and gave me this crappy ring as a going away present [shows the party a ring that looks like it came free with a box of cereal]


Gubbins: Oo-o-oh ... kay. Well, I guess we're heading out. [Shoulders backpack and shrugs it into position]


Charlie: Perhaps now we should refocus our efforts on the baby stealing epidemic? [To Gubbins and Sebastian] There has been a spate of infant kidnappings in the last few weeks, all perpetrated by men wearing yellow ties. We believe that they are from a different dimension.


Austin : She means 'We' as in 'She'. [Stares distastefully in the direction that Joe left]


Charlie: [Surprised] Oh? I thought we had reached consensus on that. Remember how time in their house moved at a different rate? That's often indicative of dimensional shifts.


Austin : But that does not support your hypothesis that they are actually *from* that dimension. We have been to many dimensions, but we are from this one. The 'mother' character that they spoke of, and the house itself may also be from that dimension, but we cannot be sure.


Charlie: True, however, my hypothesis was that they were from a *different* dimension, not necessarily the one that the house was in. [Holds up her hand] As fascinating as this is, we must not dilly-dally. It would be most unfortunate to have to deal with Nunpar again.


Gubbins: [Makes for the door, making a wheeling motion with one hand] Good,good, but let's leave the multidimensional hypothesising for another time,= shall we? I see a number of HARMA officers with flaming torches and the clock is ticking.


[Everyone turns and looks at the clock, which looks like it is stopped on twelve o'clock.]

Alice: Damned clock! [Gives it a tap, and the minute hand rushes to just before two] Gasp! We only have eight minutes left!


Harvey: Well, then, let's be off, shall we?


Deuce: Let's go! [Tosses his ring in the trash]

[Everyone heads out, walking out through a multitude of torch wielding HARMA officers. Soon they are at the edge of the town where there are a couple of carriages parked.]

Deuce: These are the property of HARMA, and only to be used on official business. Let's steal a couple.


Gubbins: [Wistfully] Aw, this takes me right back to when I first met you guys. ... You know, yesterday.


Alice: Ah yes, I remember it like it was yesterday.

Charlie: It was TODAY!


Austin : [Hot wiring the carriages] Okay, let's go!


Sebastian: [Hangs at the back of the line while everyone leaves the house, trying to get a quick drink of the water from the bathtub before heading for the carriages] What have I gotten myself in to this time? [He says jovially]

;;; sorry for the late entry today guys


Alice: [As Sebastian knocks back his drink] So, where are we going?

Deuce: I don't know about you guys, but I'm heading south, there's been a very interesting archaeological discovery there.

Charlie: Oooh! Sounds fascinating! What is it?

Deuce: I don't know much yet, just that it's very, very old.

Charlie: [Sigh] Although I wish we could come, as, I'm sure, everyone here does, we should probably commence our search for the YTGs.

;;; YTG = Yellow Tie Guys, which somehow became how everyone refers

;;; to the men who were stealing the babies


Harvey: It might still be there after we have finished, Private. But right now, we have a job to do!


Sebastian: [Nods in agreement] I agree, not that I know anything about these guys in yellow ties or about missing babies, but I would say that is the priority here. Oogling a dig-site is free time stuff. Oh yeah, I did say yes to joining you guys didn't I? [Looks a little sheepish at his authorative statement to the group when he's just met them]

;;; Vanishing for a couple of hours guys, will try to get back as soon

as possible


Alice: What? Who asked you to join us??

Charlie: I believe that was you, Alice.

Alice: Oh, yeah. That was a really good idea!


Austin : Given the difference in time flows between our dimension and theirs, we should probably go and check it out, it may be highly pertinent and we have no other evidence to go on, do we?


Alice: Now when you say "their dimension", do you mean the dimension they inhabit? Or the one they're from?

;;; Sorry, I couldn't resist!


Harvey: Or perhaps the one they own but lease out?


Dur: Regardless, this relic that Deuce is inspecting may have some clues onwhere we should start looking.=


Austin : [To Alice] Must you be so pedantic?

;;; :)


Gubbins: South it is then. [Bangs on inside roof of carriage] HEAD SOUTH! [Pauses] Who is driving this thing anyway?


Alice: [To Austin] Well, I don't *have* to be!

[Everyone loads into the carriage.]

Alice: Hurrah! Let's go!

[Nothing happens.]


Austin : [Smiling at Gubbins] Why, Alice, of course, she is the best driver by far.


Alice: [Nods] He's right. Alice is just great at driving. [Bangs the top of the carriage] Come on! [Thinks for a moment] Hey! I'm Alice!


Austin : [To Gubbins] She's Alice [Points at Alice]


Alice: The best driver, in the-

[The carriage starts moving, with DEUCE driving.]

Alice: Hey!

Deuce: Sorry, Pixie Styx, I want us to get there in one piece.

Alice: Aw! Always looking out for me! [To the others] Isn't he great?


Austin : [Sighs in relief] He is simply smashing. [Lights up a cigarette in a ridiculously long holder]


Harvey: I say, Austin, be careful with that or you'll have someone's eye out!


Alice: [Nods] Everyone knows that smoking is dangerous!

[The carriage skids to a halt, and the party can hear DEUCE exclaiming loudly from above.]

Deuce: Holy crap!


Gubbins: [Smirking] Is that what they've been digging up? Yeah, that stuff *is* old.


Austin : What is the problem? [Looks out of the carriage window, blowing some smoke rings]


Clint: I don't know, but I bet it involves ham!


Sebastian: [Pokes his head out of the other window] Everything okay out there Duecie? Haven't just spotted a free food stall for Colonel "Drill Sergeant" by any chance have ?

;;; That's my last one for today guys


Harvey: Now, Private, it's entirely impossible for anyone to be a Colonel *and* a drill sergeant, what? Though, I do recall a time that a certain individual was both Commander-In-Chief of All Forces And Stuff, and through a slight paperwork snafu, also the Latrine Cleaner's assistant. He was not amused, as I recall.


Alice: Snafu? Or evil scheme by the Latrine Cleaners' Union?

Deuce: [Looks into the carriage] Guys! There's someone here you've got to meet!


Clint: Okay, but if he's a representative of the Latrine Cleaners' Union, we're not interested.


Deuce: Uh, well, he's their patron, but that's more of a symbolic role than a representative one.


Harvey: [Scowls] Hmph, I hope he's not here to ask about another paperwork snafu!


Gubbins: Right, okay, let's see who this is. [Makes to get out of the carriage]


[The party get out of the carriage, only to see PETER DEADPAN standing in the middle of the road, glaring at the them.]

Deuce: [Striding up the Peter with a big smile] Petey! How are you doin'?

Peter: [Curls his lip up in disgust] I have a headache in my eye from looking at your shirt.

Deuce: [Laughs] Haw! This guy is great!


Harvey: [To Peter] But I'm sure you're very busy making [Emphasis] someone else's life a misery, so don't let us keep you, you unpleasant stain on humanity.


Austin : [Obllivious to Harvey's comments. Blowing out a mouthful of smoke, jumps out of the carriage joyfully] Peter! How are you? You are looking sooo well, what have you been up to?


Peter: Standing here waiting for Harvey to say something clever. I guess I have longer to wait.


Harvey: Absolutely! You wait here, and we'll go somewhere else.

;;; Harvey's not exactly a Pete fan. I know, it was subtle. :)


Sebastian: [Out of the carriage his eyes go wide seeing Peter's clothes] I don't know if it's that shade of green, [Turns to Charlie] that bathtub water, or them mixed together, but I think I'm gona hurl.


Austin : [Cackles with laughter at Peter's comment] Ooh, you are a scream! [Continues laughing]


Deuce: [To Austin] Isn't he great?

Charlie: Ah, Mr. Deadpan! How thrilling! I've read about your exploits in the Watchers' Chronicles. What can we do for you?

Peter: You can start with letting [nods at Sebastian] him puke all over you. It'll improve the colour of your suit.

Charlie: Ah yes. The legendary Peter Deadpan ribbing. [Frowns] Yes, it is rather annoying.


Harvey: [Brightens at Charlie's words] Ah, at last! Someone else who believes as I do, what? That the best thing for all concerned would be to throw this useless excuse for a man [Indicates Pete] off a cliff, yes?


Charlie: It is tempting, Colonel, but he quite possibly has some piece of valuable information. I'm sure he'll soon tire of these unhelpful remarks and get to the point.

Alice: You clearly don't know much about him, Charlie!

Peter: [Folds his arms] You're needed to help save the Realms.


Gubbins: There we are. That was vague, but to the point.


Harvey: [Smugly] And, predictably, entirely useless.


Peter: Not you specifically, of course. A group of saps, suckers, if you will, are required. [Thinks for a moment] I guess you'll be a perfect addition.

;;; Out for about two hours


Harvey: And this would require us to spend time in your presence, eh? I guess it's a bad day for the Realms. [To the Party] Let's go get lunch, Troop!


Gubbins: [Shrugs] The line between sap and hero is a very fine one.

;;; Not sure you'll get any more from me today.

;;; I live and work in Central Scotland and a storm's a'comin'.

;;; I shall be heading home shortly.


Sebsatian: [To Peter] So what is it the Realms need saving from then? Other than HARMA that is.


Austin : [To Gubbins] More of a grey area than a fine line, perhaps?

;;; Oh noos! I live there too.....


Austin : [Casually] Demons for other dimensions, usually.

;;;; for those of you who don't live in Central Scotland :

http://www.xcweather.co.uk/ we are under the 79mph big red arrow of



Harvey: [To Pete] Look, just get to the point and then you can go die in a ditch somewhere

;;; I'm in sunny Reading :)


Peter: [Sneers at Harvey] If this conversation has to go on any longer, I'll be happy to do so. The Realms is about to be invaded -- someone needs to conduct a secret mission into their headquarters to destroy them.


Austin : [To Peter, smugly] Sounds like a perfect mission for the Queens View party.

;;; just been told that I have to go home for safety reasons ... I'm

in a hospital already for heavens sakes!

;;; catch youz tomoorow if I am still alive.


Peter: If by that you mean a mission that even the Queens View party can't mess up, then yes, you're right.


Harvey: [Impatiently] I believe we are still waiting for you to get to the point, what? Who exactly is attacking the Realms this week?


Sebastian: [Picking up on Peter's insult to the group] I take it either he doesn't like you guys [Speaking to the group] or you have a habit of messing up when doing a job that involves protecting the Realms?


Dur: I thought we were already on a mission to save the realms?


Alice: [To Sebastian] It's a little from column A and a little from column B!

Peter: [Gives Harvey a disgusted look] We're about to be attacked by Care Bares.


Sebastian: [To Alice] Well it's comforting to know it's not competely B [Laughs nervously then listens to Peter] What's a Care Bear? [Looks totally confused]


Peter: I didn't say that they're Care Bears, I said they're Care Bares.


Alice: So what's a Care Bare?

Peter: One of the most unrepentantingly evil creatures imaginable. They can sense your deepest worries and use them against you. The only defence against them is a completely blank mind.


Harvey: A completely blank mind, eh? I can see you're perfect for the job, Peter, what? Glad to hear you have it handled!


Sebastian: [Chuckles] That's Alice sorted then

;;; sorry couldn't resist :P


Clint: So how do we stop these freaks, then? Send 'em after HARMA? Give 'em one of Charlie's papers and watch them flee in terror?

;;; Let's hope that THIS time, my connection doesn't time out.


Sebasitian: From what was said earlier I'd imagine it would be the Care Bares giving the rest of you one of Charlie's papers. I, for one, though, am quite looking forward to a good read.


Harvey: We could make them talk to Peter, what? That's always a scary thought. [Thinks] Hmmm, I wonder if we can take them by surprise?


Clint: It's one of our chief weapons, Harv. That and our... [looks around at the party] incredible good luck?


Alice: Incredible good luck? Really? Look at that [points at Dur] and [points at Peter] that. Good luck or some sort of sick and twisted curse thrown at us by a vengeful and hateful god?

Peter: Given that the details of the plan bore me and you probably wouldn't understand them, I'm not going to tell you. However, Sven has infinitely more patience than I do for this sort of thing.

Alice: Hooray! We're going to meet Sven?

Peter: I didn't say that.

;;; Sven is, without question, the most popular NPC to ever appear in the

;;; game. Everyone but Sebastian and Gubbins have met him, and everyone

;;; gets on well with him.


Clint: Some sort of sick and twisted curse thrown at us by a vengeful and hateful god, and we *still* save the day. Sort of. Which is good luck, see?

;;; And we know exactly who that vengeful and hateful god is, don't we!


Sebastian: [Casually shrugs] As a physicist I don't much believe in luck. It's simply a given result from the merger of individuals skills and experiences from within the group. Can often be mistaken for good luck or fortune I suppose. Now curses on the other, sick and twisted, or otherwise... [Trails off without finishing the sentence]

;;; I know it's been mentioned somewhere, but,

;;; "I" don't know who this god is lol.

;;; Won't be around tomorrow morning at all,

;;; But should be around from about 1PM,

;;; or shortly afterwards, onwards


Clint: That's okay. Luck probably doesn't believe in physicists, either!

;;; I'll give you a hint. He lives in Limerick or some such place like

that. =)


Harvey: Indeed, conflict often comes down to the uncontrollable, unknowable factor - the weather, morale, the commander's palm being slightly clammy so he's unable to maintain a firm grasp on his swaggering stick...

;;; Unlike Drew, I'll be around in the morning but not the afternoon

(half day today)


Clint: [Appalled.] That will be quite enough of that kind of talk! Anyway, let's see if we can find Sven and get something useful done.


Charlie: [To Clint, curious] Something with his [finger quotes] swaggering stick?


Clint: Something to help us have totally blank minds so we never have to think about swaggering sticks again! [Pauses.] And also, stop the Care Bares.


Austin : [To Charlie, sighing] Stop trying to move the conversation on to whipping, canning and spanking, we have all heard quite enough of your demonic frolicking stories. We have a realm to save.


Harvey: Nonesense! Where would a fighting force be without their commander waving his swaggering stick defiantly at the enemy, eh? And now let's go save the world, what? Again.


Deuce: [To Austin] I don't know, Aus. I could hear a bit more about it! [To the party] So, uh, while you're saving the world, I might head down and take a look at the archaeological find.


Austin : [Crest fallen] Oh sorry Deuce, I didn't know you were an S and M geek too!


Alice: No he's not! [To Deuce] Tell him you're not!

Deuce: [Unconvincingly] I'm not.

Alice: [Turns back to Austin] See?


Charlie: [Briskly] Now, that's quite enough of that. To the Care Bares!


Austin : Could we take a quick look at the archeology first, we are nearly there after all, and there may be important clues.


Deuce: Sorry, Aus, it's another few days south of here.


Austin : [Sighs dissapointedly. To Harvey] That's pretty close.


Harvey: We must focus on the mission Private Sleaze, and not whatever sleazy things you wish to do with your privates. I mean, it's a few days away - who knows how long it would take to get there, what?

;;; Sorry, couldn't resist!


Austin : [Shocked and stunned] Colonel, I ..., I beg your pardon but, I have no intention of doing anything sleazy with my privates or anyone elses. [To Peter] Good to see you again. [Goes back into the carriage sukling]


Gubbins: He did when he was a cat! Anyway, where do we find this Sven person?


Deuce: Uh, sorry Aus, I'll be needing that carriage!


Peter: Hiding under a rock in the clearing behind us.


Charlie: How splendid! What a time-saver.

;;; Heh heh! Funny, David! Poor Austin!


Austin : [Sulking gets out of the carriage. Sighs]


Deuce: Wow, Aus, I never took you for such an archaeology geek! Right guys, good luck and be safe.

Alice: [Hugs Deuce] Goodbye, my love. Your are my sun and stars, my beginning and end, the Lagney to my Casey, the Harski to my Tutch!

Deuce: Er, great. I think you're neat too.

[DEUCE gets in the carriage and drives off.]

Alice: [Overcome with emotion at Deuce's beautiful words] I promised myself I wouldn't cry!


Harvey: [Comforting Alice] There, there, my dear.

;;; Hometime for me. :) Have a good weekend


Alice: Well, it's Deuce that I really feel sorry for. He'll fall apart without me.

[Exit ALL, following PETER.]

;;; End of scene


Austin : [Watching Deuce leave] All ham and charm. [Sighs] Well, it looks as if we are all walking again.


[Book VIII, Act VI, Scene II. The Clearing. ALICE, AUSTIN, CHARLIE, CLINT, DUR, GUBBINS, HARVEY, SEBASTIAN and PETER are here, walking through the forest. They soon come to a clearing, where SVEN is sitting, roasting a pig over a huge fire, and with a huge crate of beer.]

Sven: [Leaps up when he sees the party] Haw! Here they are, at last!


Gubbins: [Takes in the fire and the hog roast] Aha! This is more my kind ofthing - the outdoors life. You must be Sven; we've not met. [Offers hand a= nd a smile]


Sven: [Grabs Gubbins' hand and gives it a vigorous shake] Ah, Gubbins, right? The man with the plan!


Sebastian: [After Sven and Gubbins have shook hands] Hi there Sven [Offers his hand] We haven't met either, in fact, I've only just met the rest of the guys myself

;;; That's me here for the rest of the day now guys. Took me a bit

longer to get sorted today than I thought it would.


Austin : Hey Sven! [Gives Sven a big hug] Good to see you!


Charlie: [Smiles] Mr. Goring, it is wonderful to see you again! [Enticingly] I've brought the notes for my latest paper, if you'd like a little sneak peak?


Sven: [Returning Austin's hug] Mm! That is one *fine* suit you have, Austin! [Shakes Sebastian's hand and gives him a big smile] Then run, my friend, run like the wind to escape these reprobates! If you can't do that, then at least drink lots of beer. [Gives Charlie a scolding look] Little sneak peak? Oh no, my friend, I want to see all of it!

;;; Out for about 1.5 - 2 hours!


Charlie: [Excited] I think you'll find the work ever so thrilling!


Sebastian: I think I'll take the beer [Smiles sheepishly] Running isn't exactly my forte. [To Charlie] I forgot to ask, what exactly is your paper about? [Has forgotten already they are here to save the Realms from the Care Bares]

;;; Yay for the lack of attention span of scientists when it doesn't

involve science lol


Charlie: [Delighted] I'm developing a new system for classifying demons. It's a woefully underdeveloped area of research, and quite a departure from my previous work in cryptozoology. [Modestly, to Sebastian] I devised a revolutionary system for classifying new cryptozoological finds that changed the field forever.


Sebsatian: Cryptozoology? [Frowning] Not exactly a scientific field is it? I thought you were an actual doctor of biology, not a chaser of the unproven [Waits a few moments then smirks] I'm just teasing Charlie. Despite my own background, I do hold an interest for the mythical as well as the proven [Casts a sly glance to the others and says in a lowered voice] despite my earlier statement on my belief of the existence of luck.


Sven: Luck? Of course luck exists! See how lucky I am to be surrounded by my buds? [To Alice] How're you doing, Shooter?

Alice: Great! [Shows him the ring that Deuce threw away earlier] Look, Deucie and I are engaged?

Sven: Excellent!


Sebastian: [Chuckling slightly while talking to Sven] Luck is simply a random set of mathematical equations to determine the outcome of an event, usually a rather complex and complicated and seemingly otherwise impossible task. For those that can't or don't want to understand these equations, they just call it luck instead, or fate, or chance, or some other similarly descriptive word that shows ones ignorance to the facts and mechanics of life and existence. Though one could still argue it was rather bad luck HARMA managed to figure out how to outlaw the use of magic in the world. [Grumbles under his breath]

;;; Probably won't get a chance to make any more posts today so see

you all on Monday.


Sven: Haw! Another geek, I love it!

;;; Travelling this week, so no posting until next Monday!


Austin : [Takes a beer] A genuine, bona fide geek. He even does dancing on one spot. Whatever that is. [Drinks some beer] Sounds a little odd, but we don't judge people on their nuances. [Glances at Charlie] Which is just as well.


Harvey: Indeed, we judge people based on arbitrary factors such as the phases of the moon, magnetic leylines and precise analysis of the bogeys found in Clint's nose. It's much more reliable, what?


Austin : [Suprised] I thought we judged people on their actions? [Shrugs, and sips some more beer]


Clint: Ha! Why would we do that?

;;; Who says we need Conor anyway? =)


;;; Oops :)


;;; One should respect the rules laid down by the mighty GM, for in

this world he is the creator, the almighty, the...oh bugger it, who am

I kidding? You're right, we don't need Conor :P


;;; Speak for yourselves! : )

On Mon, Dec 12, 2011 at 2:12 PM, Marc-Andrew Hunnam Nicholas


;;; Yeah! Kiss ass!


;;; Of course I am a kiss ass, I'm the new guy, I have to suck up to Conor lol


;;; I think we can all learn a lot from Drew!

;;;out most of the day

I'll be travelling over xmas, from the Wednesday 21st December (next Wednesday) to Friday 6th January, so I'll be out. (I'll be in Monday and Tuesday, though it'll be hectic here so I may be a bit sporadic)

Conor, not sure if you're planning to run the game over that period or if you're shutting it down for xmas - if the game is running, please just NPC Harvey.



I am in the same boat, more or less, largely afk from next Wednesday until Monday, 9 January.

Thanks David

On Thu, 15 Dec 2011 10:07:40 -0000, John Ludlow <john.ludlow.uk@gmail.com> wrote:

-- Using Opera's revolutionary email client: http://www.opera.com/mail/


Sven: Why indeed, Stinky! Anyway, I guess Petey has told you the plan?


Clint: Haw! C'mon, Sven, you know Peter...


Gubbins: Apparently, *I* am the man with the plan. [Shrugs]


Austin : [To Gubbins] You had better join the queue.


Clint: Why don't we start with Sven's plan and go from there?


Austin : [To Clint] An excellent suggestion, Mr Scar. Perhaps someone more intelligent can make it? [Casually checks his nails waiting for the others to reply]


Harvey: Perhaps we should all write down a plan on a piece of paper and put them all into a hat and randomly pick one out?


Charlie: [Claps her hands in delight] What a splendid idea, Colonel! [Eagerly] Ooooh, or we could play charades! What fun!


Sven: [Claps his hands excitedly] Great idea! [Holds one hand out flat, palm facing up, and makes a writing motion on it]

Alice: Fillum! Person! Animal!

Sven: [With a big smile] Nope!


Charlie: [Excited beyond all reason] Book! A Monograph of the Testudinata?! Magnes Sive de Arte Magnetica Opus Tripartitum?? Illustrations of the Family of Psittacidae? How many syllables?!!


Sven: Haw! You guys are useless at this! Even worse than me! This is the symbol for a plan! It has two hundred and forty six words.


Harvey: Hmmm, this could take some time. Perhaps we should secure some supplies while we generate our plan, what?


Charlie: Focus, Colonel, focus! [To Sven, excited] How many syllables does the first word have?!


Austin : Let's just try Sven's plan. That would save alot of time and money. It would probably save lives too.


Sven: Well said, Aus! That's the kind of reckless enthusiasm that I like to see. We don't have time for discussing plans, we need to act, and act swiftly! Now, quickly, we have a lot of beer to drink!


Harvey: [To Charlie] I am perfectly focused, thank you very much, [Heavy emphasis] Private. Now, what were we talking about?


Dur: I think we were talking about our next meal...


Sven: [Helping himself to a huge turkey leg] And then about how you lot will be going to Bare-A-Lot.


Charlie: What do you think is the best approach, Sven?


Sven: I'm thinking full frontal assault on Bare-A-Lot with a view to destroying the Baring Meter. Without that, the Care Bares will be lost, and then the Knights can swoop in and kill them all before they attack our dimension.


Austin : [To Sven] The Baring Meter? Is that what the Care Bares refer to as 'Mother', or is that something else?


Gubbins: [Holds up hands] Hang on, hang on - what?! Sorry but I am new around here, so is Sebastian, and we are going to have dial this back a bit and define some terms. Who exactly are the Care Bares, where is this Bare-a-lot - I am assuming it is a place - who are the Knights, and what is the Baring Meter?


Charlie: The Knights are the Hierophantic Knights, who try to move along the Path by doing heroic deeds. [To Gubbins] The Path is a spiritual journey of sorts. As for all thing related to the Care Bares, we've only just heard of them ourselves, but they appear to be creatures that lay [finger quotes] bare your greatest cares and worries in a kind of psychological warfare. [To Sven] What on earth is a Baring Meter?


Harvey: Some sort of guage for the Care Bares' behaviour, perhaps?


Sven: [Shrugs] I don't know, some sort of sacred relic to the Care Bares. All I can tell you is that without it, they will be easier to defeat. [To Gubbins] Haw! An enquiring mind, I love it! Don't worry, friend, these guys know almost as little as you do.

Alice: Hey!

Sven: [Good naturedly] Okay, okay, *as* little as you!

Alice: Thanks Sven!


Sven: That would be my guess, Harv. What happens when it hits the maximum? I don't know, but I'm pretty sure it wouldn't be pretty. [To Austin] I don't think this is related to the Mother, Aus. No one seems to know who she is, just that there are a bunch of weirdoes collecting babies for her.


Austin : [Dryly] Equanimity wins every time, et merda taurorum animas conturbit.

;;; latin translation - ' and bullshit baffels brains'


Gubbins: The dudes with the yellow ties, right?


Austin : Good question! Are the Yellow ties the Care Bares. one and the same?


Charlie: [Nods at Gubbins] Quite right! As you can see, our enemies are varied and numerous!

;;; Out for an hour or so!


Sven: Alas no! Poor old Clementine made the world so inviting that the other dimensions are queuing up to harm us!

;;; Gone for the day!


Austin : [Looks sad. Theatrically] De gustibus non est disputandum. [Takes a sip of beer, and nibbles on some roast boar]

;;; There is no accounting for tastes.


Dur: So now we have TWO rogue dimensions moving in on our territory?


Harvey: Gah! Attacked on both sides, troop! [Thinks] So the Care Bares and Yellow Tie Guys are completely separate groups? Could we somehow set them against each other?


Sven: [Laughs good naturedly at Dur] Oh no! No, we don't have two rogue dimensions. It's more like two hundred. [To Harvey] I like the way you're thinking, Harv, but any battle they'll fight will be in our dimension -- they don't want each others'.


Clint: They're not dumb enough that we can get them to fight in some other dimension and tell them it's ours, are they?


Sven: What do you think they are? Humans? [Laughs]


Charlie: Well, that IS a shame, but if there are enough competiting hordes, surely they will begin to fight one another. That is the way of hordes, after all. Of course, it will likely destroy OUR demension, being a playground for all that war. [To Sven] Is there anything we can do to [uneasily] re-right the balance, to prevent this from happening?


Austin : [Getting a little tipsy after four sips of beer] We have to balance out the good that Clementine did [Hiccups and looks suprised. Sips some more beer] By being naughty.


more beer] By being naughty.

Dur: You mean like this? [Dips his finger in Austin's beer and gives it a taste.]


Gubbins: [Watches Dur and his finger] ... Wait - is that the same finger you tested the [finger quotes] 'chocolate' with?!


Austin : [Disgarding his tainted beer] Spoiling a perfectly good beer is hardly an act of evil, Mr Ti-Rag [Helps himself to a fresh beer] Murder, and other heinous acts, for example the production, possesion or wearing of flip-flops, are evil.


Sven: [Grabs Dur's hand and sucks his finger, before turning to Gubbins] Well, whatever he tested with it, it sure wasn't chocolate.

Alice: [To Austin] Huh, that's kind of what Joe Nunpar said, isn't it? That the world needs his particular brand of evil?


Dur: Are we even sure that fixing the balance will remedy the current dilemma? Or do we need to punch each dimension in the nuts so they know not to m= ess with us? I assume nut-punching is another skill of Master Scar...


Harvey: Indeed, it's doubtful. After all, wasn't the purpose of the evil to toughen up the population? The Care Bares and YTGs should already be having that effect, though probably too slowly to be useful. In any case, I believe that introducing more evil might mean the people aren't able to defend themselves because they're all dead - I've always found that dead people are less able to defend their dimension than live people, what?


Charlie: [To Harvey] Quite so, Colonel! And we may not know how to restore the balance, but we can continue to fight the YTGs and the Care Bares. So, let us start with that and hope we may find some way to stop these invasions going forward!


Sebastian: [Listens intently the whole time everyone is talking, all the while stuffing his face with food and sipping beer] Nut-punching? Sounds like a job for a dwarf. [Ponders for a moment] Couldn't we take out the Care Bares Baring-meter, but make it look like the YTG's did it? Make it look like they were trying to take out the competition?

;;; Sorry I wasn't around yesterday. Manicly heavy day lol


Austin : Hmmm, A cunning plan that is not wirhout merit. [Considers the idea] All we would need are suits and yellow ties.


Sven: [To Harvey] You're right, Harv. One way to redress the balance is to be attacked by other dimensions. The trick will be to survive the attacks. Now, if only we had a reckless and foolhardy band of adventurers to help us!

Alice: [Tries to click her fingers after Sebastian's words, but fails] Gah! I mean, that's a really good idea, Seb. Now, if only there was some way we could disguise ourselves as YTGs.


Charlie: [Excited] I know! I know! We could all wear yellow ties and tell them everything we do, we do for The Mother! That would fool them.


Alice: Oh, I guess it's easier than I had thought. But really, where are we going to get suits and ties out here in the middle of nowhere? At this time of day? On a Sunday? In March?

Sven: Haw! Good questions, Shooter, but we're actually quite close to Apraxia, and it's only 3PM, on a Thursday, and it's February.


Harvey: Excellent, our plan is set!


Gubbins: Well I, for one, don't know how to tie a tie. Never worn one. And not too keen on tying something around my neck. [Runs finger around neck to loosen collar]


Charlie: Splendid! I know precisely where to go for wonderful suits in a Apraxia, and they will surely be able to supply us with yellow ties, as well!

;;; Apraxia is near Charlie's family home. Just

;;; an FYI for the newbies!


;;; About to disappear! I have a meeting which might last until the

end of the day, and then I'm off till January. :)


Sven: Excellent! Now, one of the Care Bares' most potent weapon is the Painbow. There are rumours of a protection spell against it, but it causes physical damage to anyone it is cast on, so it can only be used sparingly. The Watchers had a copy, but it was destroyed in the Great Knights Fire of 1252.

Alice: The Great Knights Fire?

Sven: [Sheepishly] Yeah, well, it was originally known as the Hierophantic Knights Philimas Party of 1252. [Brightens up] But what a Philimas party! Man, after that, Peter was never allowed attend another one -- but, you guys know as well as anyone what a wild and crazy party animal he is.


;;; Aw! Bye, John! Have a good holiday!


;;; Thanks - Merry XMas everyone! :)


Sebastian: Erm...I don't even know who Peter is nevermind what of party animal he is

;;; Merry Christmas John


Austin : Your memory seems to be rather short and ineffective, perhaps you should use the note pad and pen method, just as Charlie does, to remember information that your ageing mind would otherwise loose.

;;; Merry Xmas John!


Sven: Sure you know him, Seb! You just met him!


Charlie: He was that horrid, sarcastic little man we just met [shudders] . Well, then, shall we go to Apraxia? Perhaps we have just a bit of time to go visit my family. [To Gubbins and Sebastian] You would just adore our precious daughter, Will. Oh, and it's probably best that Pestilence meet you personally, just in case!


Sven: Don't worry guys, he hardly ever kills people now!


Sebastian: Oh him! [Nods realising who they are talking about] Sorry, I found him that annoying I didn't bother commiting his name to memory [Smirks a little]

;;; Just remembered I'm not going to be around at all tomorrow.

Taking a friend (disabled) to do the last of her Christmas present



Charlie: [To Sven, beaming proudly] Isn't it wonderful?! [To the party, delighted] Now, let us go suit-shopping! [Claps happily] Oh, how I have longed to raise the dress code of the group!


Alice: I hope we're going to start with YOU, Charlie!

[Exit ALL, leaving SVEN behind.]


Clint: Suit shopping? [Shudders.] I hate this plan!


[Book VIII, Act VI, Scene III. Shoots You Suit Shop. ALICE, AUSTIN, CHARLIE, CLINT, DUR, GUBBINS, HARVEY and SEBASTIAN are here, having just arrived. This is a very fancy looking suit shop. Unfortunately, most of the party have little if any money.]

Alice: Soooo. How are we going to get our hands on these suits?


Charlie: Oh. That IS a bit of a wrinkle, isn't it? I don't suppose we have enough for the neckties, at least? Perhaps several of us could distract the store clerk by asking loads of questions about yellow ties, and we could get [nods unsubtly at Austin] others to utilize their strongest skills, if you take my meaning?


Sebastian: We could always ask them if they do credit accounts, let us pay for the suits in instalments or something? [Shrugs, wondering just how much money he has saved up at the moment] Either that or threaten them with Pestilence if they don't just hand the suits over [Can't help but smirk]


Alice: Not a bad idea, Seb. He is a scary monster, after all. [To Charlie] No offence!


Charlie: Do be serious! This is our hometown, and we are trying to build a family here. He cannot go around threatening innocent townsfolk. That is precisely what I'm trying to break him of, not encourage! [Firmly] I think my plan was better.


Sebastian: I didn't say we actually set him on them Charlie, just make them think we are going to [Smiles reassuringly] They have no way of knowing we would only be bluffing


Clint: Phili only knows I hate to agree with Charlie, but... I say we let the lawyer sue them out of some suits. If we have to do this at all!


Charlie: [Smiles at Clint] Thank you, Mr. Scar! [To Sebastian] I'm sorry, but we cannot use Pestilence in this way. Though he has been working on the side of good for some time now, it is very difficult to overcome 200,000 years of [delicately] bad behavior. We simply cannot risk further damage to his reputation, not after all of the progress he's made.


Alice: Well, Aus? What do you think? Suing them will probably take a bit longer than we have, but if anyone knows how to get suits, it's you!


Austin : [To Alice] Absolutley. I suggest that you all try on suits and choose several favourites, and don't forget to choose suitable ties, shoes, shirts, socks, waistcoats and perhaps a hat or two and some scarfs. I'll see what I can do whilst you keep them busy.


Charlie: [Giddily] Oh, how thrilling! [Goes for a tie rack and calls out to a sales clerk] Hello, there! I have ever so many questions about these ties. Could you assist me?


[The party enter the shop, where a clerk, KENNETH KENNINGTON, eagerly greets them.]

Kenneth: Ooh! Yes, madam, I certainly could. Would you like a tie, madam? Perchance to bind someone to a bed and abuse them? To make them cry out in a sensual mix of pain and passion?

;;; Heather is out for a while

Charlie: Er, not exactly.


Sebastian: [Looks at the man in quizically] My good man, is that any way to speak to your clientele? Especially when said clientele is a lady whom you have only just met?


Gubbins: Wait, what?! That's ties, is it? Sounds like I have been missing out. [Winks at Charlie]


Charlie: [Unimpressed, to Gubbins] If you've been using ties, then you certainly have.

Kenneth: Just because I've only just met her doesn't mean that I haven't been watching her, observing her, if you will. Imagine sir, [puts his arm around Sebastian] and let me take you on a journey, sir, a journey into the depths of depravity and sin so vile, so irredeemably [with relish] dirrrrty, that Seth himself would shake at the thought! Imagine some high powered binoculars, a well positioned tree and some tissues. Take that journey, sir, take it! Take it like you'd take a well proportioned virgin bride that you've bent over an altar rail!

Alice: [To the party, whispering] Let's just beat him up and still his suits.


Gubbins: [To Alice] Okay but I get the impression that beating him and tying him up will just be playing into his hands.


Sebastian: [Thinking quickly he deems this an ideal distraction] Ah yes, good old [whispers loudly] voyeurism. [Winks to the party] So have you observed the tying of any good knots for such an [pauses for effect] activity?


Alice: Maybe, but at least then we won't have to deal with him!


Kenneth: Oh, yes, sir! I'm a fan of the reef knot, of course, sir, but really, in my experience, you can't beat the bowline, especially for suspension.

Alice: [To the party] Let's get us some suits! [Grabs eight hats and puts them all on]


Gubbins: [Pretending to spot someone through the window] Phwooarr! Eh?! [Nudging Kennington conspiratorially] She's a bit of ... You would, wouldn't you? [Then tries to bash Kennington over the back of the head with a handy shoe-stretcher]


Kenneth: [Cranes his neck to see what Gubbins is talking about] Where? Where? I almost certainly would, but I'd like to see her!

[Smack. GUBBINS hits KENNETH with an almighty blow on the back of the head.]

Kenneth: [Apparently not noticing it] Sorry, sir, I don't see her. [Falls down unconscious]


Dur: [Looks to Austin] Is that how suit shopping usually goes?


Harvey: [Helping himself to a bunch of yellow ties] Given my experience at after Philimas sales, I was expecting much more violence!


Sebastian: [Looks at Kenneth fall to the floor] Well not quite what I'd had in mind for me distracting him, but certainly was more efficient. [Nods approvingly] Right then, I believe someone called for suits? [Starts looking at the racks] So what colour suits do the YTG's wear then? Black? Blue? Gray? [Shudders at the next one] Yellow?


Charlie: Actually, I don't believe that there is any one colour -- although, I must admit, I find brown rather fetching. Of course, I own several perfectly adequate brown suits, so I only need a tie.

Alice: And what colour ties do the yellow tie guys wear?

Harvey: That would be yellow, dearest niece.


Gubbins: [Picking out a serviceable brown suit and shrugging into the jacket] Never owned a suit before. Say, Charlie, would you be a dear and tie me a tie?


Charlie: [Delighted] Why, certainly! [Looks at Gubbins and assesses him] I think a cheery canary yellow will suit you perfectly. [Whips a tie off a rack and starts tying it on Gubbins]


Sebastian: [To Charlie] I take it by that there is no particular shade of yellow the YTG's use for their ties? [Ponders] I guess I shouldn't have assumed they would all be uniform. [Proceeds to pick out a brown suit for himself, not yet picking a tie] What about shoes? What kind of shoes do they wear?


Alice: Ah, anything at all will do. You know, how are we supposed to get to this other dimension?


Gubbins: Wait, what?! You're not getting me out of these boots! Been just about everywhere in these boots.


Alice: [Holding her nose] Including a sewer, I think!

[Enter PETER DEADPAN, coming from a changing room, wearing a brand new pink suit, complete with pink shirt, tie, sock and shoes. He looks at the party with disgust.]

Peter: [Sarcastically] I see I'm now shopping where all the cool people go.


Sebastian: Well you know what they say: Pink, it's the colour of passion. [Grimaces at Peter's suit] Well if any shade and any footwear will do, I'll take this one. [Picks up mikado yellow tie]

;;; sorry couldn't resist the Aerosmith quote lol


Gubbins: [To party] How can he dress all in pink and look at *us* in disgust?!

;;; That's me for the holidays, guys. Finishing work early today and not


back in until 9 January. Everyone have a merry Christmas and a happy New



Peter: It comes naturally to me.

;;; Dom must be gone too?

Austin: Peter! [Looks him up and down] What a sharp suit! Can you tell us how we get to Bare-A-Lot?

Peter: [With disgust] Yes. You need a magical flying carpet.

Alice: And that Painbow spell thing, too. Who has that?

Peter: I'm sure some Watcher stole it for their personal collection. Probably to help build a fort or something.


Charlie: [Tying a yellow tie around her own neck] Hmm, perhaps Grandmother would know something about it?


Peter: Then perhaps we should go to her fort?


Charlie: Well, she hasn't a fort, exactly. [Muses] Though Pestilence is in the process of rebuilding Bodenringham Manor with quite a number of fort-like reinforcements, now that you mention it. [To the party] How marvelous! Let us go visit Grandmother at once!


[Exit ALL, climbing into the party's carriage. Almost immediately, KENNETH wakes up and looks around.]

Kenneth: Hm. I still don't see her. Is she a looker? Eh? Eh? [Looks around the shop] Hey! Where are all the hats and yellow ties gone?

;;; End of scene, next one coming right up


Austin : [Emerging from a changing room with many bags, wearing a silk and baby panda hair suit in emeral green by Lix-Hander Mcquirk, swan skin tango shoes by Trendi and a silk shirt to match by Hambasttista Balli. Sees the tailor unconcious on the ground] Oh, is everyone else ready to go then? [Grabs a handful of the appropriatte shade of YTG ties and makes for the door] It does not do to dilly-dally when engaging in this form of shopping [Gestures to the unconcious tailor]

;;; sorry for being out all day, offsite 1 hr meet turned in to 3.5 hrs :(

;;; off for Xmas now! Yippieeeee!

;;; Have a great Xmas everyone!


Content-Type: text/plain; charset=ISO-8859-1 Content-Transfer-Encoding: quoted-printable

[Book VIII,Act VI, Scene IV. Boderingham Manor. ALICE, AUSTIN, CHARLIE, CLINT, DUR, GUBBINS, HARVEY, SEBASTIAN and PETER are here, having just arrived. The door is wide open, and there is a smear of blood on it. The party quickly enter, and follow a trail of blood stains to an interior door which is ajar. Everyone draws weapons and CLINT pushes the door open quietly.]

Alice: [Whispering] Oh, God, what has happened now?

[Inside the door is WILHELMINA (Charlie's daughter) doing some finger painting with what appears to be a real finger and quite a lot of blood. She is wearing a blood splattered apron with "Daddy's Little Angel" embroidered on it. Also here is PESTILENCE, who looks to be horribly torturing another man, TIM VICTOR, who is hanging from chains that are attached to the ceiling. PESTILENCE is covered in blood and looks up at the party with a manic grin.]

Pestilence: Hey! Momma's home!

Wilhelmina: [Holds up a picture, clearly drawn in blood] Look what I did!

[The picture depicts what appears to be three stick figures, clearly meant to be VICTOR, PESTILENCE and WILHELMINA.]

<IMG SRC=http://queens-view.com/Resources/wilhelmina-pic.png>

;;; Happy Christmas everyone!



Charlie: [Forces a smile at Will] Lovely, dear! [Moves close to Pestilence and hisses] How can you possibly think this is an appropriate father-daughter activity?!


Pestilence: What? She's wearing an apron!

;;; Welcome back folks. If you haven't already sent me your cares from last

;;; weeks mail, please do so tomorrow


Clint: Yeah! All ready for the kitchen and everything!


Harvey: [Perks up] Kitchen? Is she making lunch? Marvellous!


Charlie: [To Will, cheerily] Precious, do run upstairs and clean up. We'll be up in just a minute. [To Pestilence, in a furious whisper] You should be shielding her from violence, not exposing her to it!

;;; Welcome back, everyone!


Wilhelmina: Yes Momma! [Heads upstairs]

Pestilence: Of course I'm shielding her, she's got the apron on!

Tim: Please! Help me!

Alice: [Looking like she's about to throw up] Oh my God!

;;; Quick reminder: We're still on US time, so posting will

;;; mainly be in the afternoon for those in GMT


Gubbins: [Eyes wide at the scene within and standing close by the door] Um, right, well ... I mean, I have field-dressed sovereign elks and wild bores and stuff but ... well, I am not too happy about this, in short. [Checks way of exit is still clear]


Clint: This looks like something between Charlie and her husband! I'll just be waiting outside...


Dur: [Stomach growling] Errr... Exactly what is going on with this clearly tortured individual Pestilence?


Clint: Looks like a little father-daughter bonding?


Dur: [Shudders] That is... Terrifying.


Pestilence: He's giving up information about a threat to you guys.


Charlie: [Clearly relieved] Of course he is! [To the party] Pestilence wouldn't be doing this without having quite a good, extraordinarily justifiable reason! [To Pestilence] What have you learned, darling?


Dur: I don't doubt that Pestilence had his reasons... Just doubts that his reasons always have to be 'justifiable' by any of our own definitions of th= e word!


Clint: [Through an obviously fake smile.] Maybe, but I say we don't antagonize him!


;;; Dom is away this week

Austin: [Sneering] This is exactly what I said would happen, [moves so that Clint, Alice and Harvey are between him and Pestilence] he is uncontrollable. What possible information would justify this?

Pestilence: [Smugly] There's a spy in the Hierophantic Knights. [Looks at Peter] Isn't that so?

Peter: [Shocked] How did you know? [Composes himself] Of course there is. It is so rife with double agents that any non-spy would immediately be ousted.


Charlie: [To Peter] Don't be absurd! [To Austin, with a sniff] He is in perfect control of the situation. Clearly this man is quite reluctant to give up the information he knows. [To Pestilence, hopefully] You are trying to learn something more, aren't you? Such as the name of the spy?


Pestilence: Uh, sure. [To Victor] What's the name of the spy?

Victor: Sven!


Clint: Haw! Now try telling the truth! Don't make me get the kid down here!


Charlie: See! He's clearly terribly difficult to break. [To Pestilence] This man is lying to you, even still! Sven is quite trustworthy and above reproach. [Modestly] After all, he is an enormous fan of my work!


Sebastian: [Watches on trying to grasp what is happening exactly then turns to Dur] Oh come on Dur, everyone has the capability of change. And like he said, he's doing it to protect us after all.

;;; Sorry I'm late guys, I almost forgot about this resuming today


Dur: Who is he spying for?


Pestilence: If you want, I can cut off a few more pieces, but I don't think he's lying.

Victor: Please! No more! I swear by The Mother, it's Sven!


Sebastian: The Mother? Isn't that who the YTG's worship? Or have I got my wires crossed?


Charlie: [To Pestilence, quickly] NO! Don't cut off any more pieces! [To Sebastian] Yes, you are quite right. [To Victor] Who, or what, is The Mother?


Gubbins: [Nodding] Uh-huh. That's what I understand. I don't really know this Sven guy too well but he seemed pleasant enough. Are we sure about this? Because ... [pauses] spying isn't nice.


Alice: Yes, the YTGs do worship her!

Victor: She is the one who will breathe life into our dimension and destroy yours! Her children will cut a swathe of death into your world that will bring new meaning to the word soap!


Charlie: [Baffled] Soap?! [To Pestilence, tentatively] You have done any damage to his brain, have you?


Pestilence: [Waves a hand vaguely] Maybe a little bit. I don't think we'll get any more out of him now.


Gubbins: [Looks around ruefully at the blood-spattered room] Er, I think we have got quite a lot out of him already!


Charlie: [Smiles at Pestilence] Thank you, darling. This information is quite useful, indeed! [Looks at Victor and sighs] Though we WILL need to have a clarifying chat about the boundaries of torture, as a matter of urgency! [Takes a deep breath and continues] Now, you are going to take care of him, right? [Insistently] And you do remember your promise never to kill, of course? The solemn promise that saved our marriage?


Harvey: Hmm, well perhaps we should inform Sven of this man's accusations, what?


Clint: Maybe there's more than one Hierophantic Knight named Sven?


Pestilence: [To Charlie] Sure! [Holds his hands up] Nah, don't worry, I promise. I won't kill him.

Peter: [To Clint] All Hierophantic Knights are named Sven.


Dur: Well, that makes things dificult!


Alice: Actually, it probably makes them easier, as you always know someone's name. [Points at Peter] I think we found the spy!


Charlie: [To Peter] Oh, they are NOT! [To Pestilence, all smiles] That's wonderful, darling. Now if you could just try a bit harder to keep Will from--er, horrifically bloody scenes, for example. She's young and impressionable, after all. You don't want her thinking this [nods at Victor] is the done thing, do you? She really should be enjoying her childhood in a carefree way. You know, reading, studying with flash cards, playing memory games and so on.


Harvey: Perhaps you could come to a compromise, what? Maybe some form of association game using body parts?


Pestilence: [Nodding at Harvey words, speaking earnestly] She can already spell spleen!


Charlie: [Beams] How splendid! She is at the perfect age to learn human anatomy. [Gently] Just not using live bodies [adds quickly] or cadavers! Grandmother has some absolutely marvelous textbooks that would be just the thing. [Frowns] Where IS Grandmother, by the way?


Pestilence: Oh, okay. Gertie is upstairs in the library, I think.


Charlie: We were hoping to get some information from her, and then we really must be going. There is ever so much going on at the moment! I wish we could stay longer. . . . [Sighs dreamily and wraps her arms around Pestilence, oblivious to the blood and disgusting bits]


[PESTILENCE returns the kiss, causing all sorts of disgusting squishy noises as he does.]

Alice: [To the others] I never thought I'd say this, but let's go to the library!


Charlie: [Reluctantly lets go of Pestilence] We'll come back as soon as we can, darling. Please take care of everyone, and do be careful yourself! [Excited beyond reason] To the library!


Clint: Oh god, why?! [Hangs his head.]


Sebastian: [Nods excitedly] Oh goody! I love a good read


Harvey: Hmph! Well, a library isn't exactly the sort of place for persons of our stature, but needs must, eh, Troop?


Alice: [Turns and looks at Sebastian with an expression that's a peculiar mix of disgust, horror and pity] Don't encourage, her, Seb! Before you know it, she'll be giving you books for your birthday, [dramatically] and they have hardly any pop ups in them!

[The party and PETER head upstairs, lead by CHARLIE, and come to a large door, that she lets them in through. This is clearly the library and, sitting in a large armchair is GERTRUDE PARKER-KENSINGTON, who all but GUBBINS and SEBASTIAN have met in the past. She looks up as the party enter.]

Gertrude: [Lights up] Ah! Charlie and friends! [Lights up even more] Peter!


Charlie: [Smiles at Gertrude] Hello, Grandmother! I see we needn't introduce you to Mr. Deadpan?



Dur: I'm not sure that is such a good thing... Ol' Petey sure gets around!


Alice: True, but... how? Why? What could she possibly like about him?

[GERTRUDE grabs PETER and kisses him passionately, letting him go with a pop.]

Gertrude: Wow, Peter!

Peter: [Disapprovingly] Who are you?

Gertrude: [To the party] What can I do for you?


Harvey: Perhaps you could seek help?


Sebastian: I can only assume that Gertrude and Peter are lovers, and that this Peter here is an imposter as he has no idea who she is. Therefore Peter is the spy! Haha!

;;; Heading out for a couple of hours guys. Not entirely sure I'll be

back online later today either.


Charlie: [Horrified] Grandmother, really! Ivan was one thing, but Peter?!


Gertrude: No need, Harvey, I'm already over him. It took a while, but once you've been Peterfied, you're never quite the same. [To Sebastian] Hm, some sexual tension between you and Peter, eh?


Dur: [Eyeing Sebastian] As the group doctor, I am sure I can perscribe something for that...=


Gertrude: [To Charlie] Oh, don't be so stiff -- he was almost your grandfather! Isn't that right Peter?

Peter: Nothing was proven.

Alice: [To Sebastian] Don't accept it -- it'll almost certainly involve you taking off all your clothes and being poked by a sharp stick. [To Dur] How does that help with a headache, anyway?



Dur: Damnit Alice! I'm a Doctor not a Scientist! Now take off your clothes and tell me where you hid my pointy stick!

;;; Couldn't resist


Alice: I didn't hide it, YOU hid it!

Austin: [Sighs] How is this getting us to the Care Bares? [To Peter] See what I have to put up with?

Peter: They're almost as annoying as you are.

Austin: [Chortles] Oh, Peter!


Harvey: [To Peter] Thank the saints for that! I thought the situation might be really bad and they'd be as annoying as you, eh?


Gertrude: Oh, Harvey, really? Do you have to be such an old grump?


Charlie: [Stifles a laugh] Quite so, Colonel! [To Gertrude] Grandmother, you wouldn't happen to anything about Care Bares, would you?


Gertrude: [Sharp intake of breath] Oh. They are extremely dangerous, and their damage is so insidious that it can tear otherwise tight groups apart. Don't tell me that someone is going to their dimension? I mean, who would be so stu... [looks around] Oh. I see.

;;; Out for an hour


Charlie: [Clears her throat awkwardly] Ye-es. Anyway, you don't, by chance, have some means of combatting a Painbow, do you?


Harvey: Getting Pete here to stand in the way and block any shots? [Narrows his eyes] And I'll have you know I am not old, I am *experienced*.


Pete: Yes. In adult diapers and Alzheimers.

Gertrude: As a matter of fact I do, but it will only help reduce the strength of it, not completely eliminate it.

;;; Stuck in a meeting that's going on and on!


Charlie: [To Gertrude] Well, that would be most useful, but do you know of any way to eliminate it?


Dur: Something is better than nothing...

;;; That's what SHE said!


Gertrude: The only guaranteed way to avoid it is to not go to their dimension!


Charlie: [Cheerily] Well, what doesn't kill us, only makes us stronger, right? Besides, it can't be worse than childbirth, surely!


Alice: Pshaw! Childbirth is nothing! I don't even remember it!


Clint: Well, you wouldn't, would you?

;;; Sorry, all. I have had a vaguely hellish day.


Alice: Oh, and you do, I suppose?


Clint: Does passing a kidney stone count?


Harvey: Yes, well... [To Gertrude] You said you knew of a way to reduce the effects of the Care Bares' weapons?


Alice: [To Clint] Depends on how fast it was running.

Gertrude: Indeed I do. After the Great Knights Fire of 1252 [gives Peter a mock scolding look] I rescued a protection spell. It's a general protection spell that can be used many times, even by non-magic users. However, [very serious, looking around the party] although it will protect you from the Painbow, it will cause physical damage to whoever causes it. It is a very dangerous spell.


Charlie: [Reassuringly] Not to worry, Grandmother. We are well used to danger!


Harvey: Indeed! After all, consider our doctor!


Dur: Very thoughtful of you Colonel, but now is hardly the time for your senile jokes! So we have to cause damage to ourselves to protect ourselves fr= om the Painbow? It hardly seems worth it...


Clint: That depends on how bad the Painbow is!


Gertrude: Don't underestimate the power of the Painbow! It causes unimaginable pain, that goes on and on. Once hit with it, you will suffer for ever if not protected. Isn't that right, Peter?

Peter: It is like being massaged by bunnies.


Dur: So you're speaking from experience?


Charlie: [Shudders] Oh, it isn't nice at all! They have horrid little claws.


Gertrude: Peter is the only person I know of to have survived a full on blast of the Painbow.

Austin: [Genuinely amazed] It makes his sparkling personality all the more incredible! [Wipes a tear from his eye]


Dur: Have you got something in your eye, Austin? Shall I take a look? [Brandishes his "Doctor Bag of Horrors"] =


Charlie: [Looks at Peter skeptically] Oh? Can you give us any advice for enduring the Painbow?


Clint: Spend a couple of months preparing yourself by getting bunny massages first?


Austin: [Warily looks at the sharp stick in Dur's hand] Keep away from me!

Peter: [With some disgust] I find a perky, can do attitude and a friendly smile goes a long way.


Harvey: [To Peter] Perhaps you should adopt such an attitude, then?


Peter: I will, as soon as I find someone I want to be friends with.


Charlie: [Looks at Peter and sighs wearily. To Gertrude] Perhaps you should give us the spell, and we can be on our way?


Clint: After all, you and Peter have some catching up to do... and by that I mean [shudders and can't bring himself to finish the sentence]


Sebastian: [To Gertrude] Is the physical damage only caused to the one who casts the protection spell, or the ones who are being protected too? And is the damage lessened if cast by a magic user?

;;; Sorry I'm late guys


Gertrude: Good question. The physical damage is cast only to the one who casts the spell, and it can only be cast on one other person, and no, being a magic user doesn't lessen its damage. [Reaches over and pinches Peter's ass]

Peter: [For once, caught off guard] Hey!

Gertrude: [Not clear if she's joking or not] Click-click!


Harvey: [To the party] Um, perhaps we should go before this gets any further?


Sebastian: [To Harvey] I agree. [To Gertrude] Well physical damage is better than no protection at all. All we have to do now is figure out which of us will be casting it since one person can protect themselves and one other.


Clint: Obviously, it should be the toughest of us who casts the spell. So, not the doctor or the lawyer!


Gertrude: [Fishing out a scroll box from a bookshelf] Here we go. Remember, anyone can cast it, any number of times, but it only lasts for a finite time. You'll know when it is about to wear out. However, if you cast it twice in quick succession, it will really knock you down.


Austin: [Straightening a cuff] Obviously not the lawyer. Too valuable.


Harvey: [To Austin] Hmm? It can be used an infinite number times, Private, so there's no chance of the spell running out, valuable though it is.


Austin: There is if it is used too quickly by a small number of people. Such as is our group.


Charlie: [Watches Gertrude and Peter, horrified] Let us go to the Care Bare dimension, at once! It can't be worse than this!


Peter: [Hands over an orb] This will get you back. Possibly. [Throws another orb on the ground] That will take you there. Possibly.

[Exit the party, after CHARLIE says a quick goodbye to PESTILENCE and WILHELMINA. Soon, it is just PETER and GERTRUDE.]

Peter: [Curling his lip up in disgust at the party] I hope they don't get killed. [Turns to Gertrude, with a friendly look] So, Gertie, you're looking great! How about a coffee?

Gertrude: Sorry, Petey, I've got a date with Ivan.

Peter: [Disappointed] What a gyp!

;;; End of scene, next one coming up on Tuesday next week.

;;; We'll be back to GMT then. If you haven't sent me your Cares

;;; yet, please do so right away!


[Book VIII, Act VI, Scene V. A Dining Room. ALICE, AUSTIN, CHARLIE, CLINT, DUR, HARVEY, SEBASTIAN and GUBBINS are here. The table is laid with what appear to be normal, adult sized cups and saucers, although they look like they belong from a kid's tea set. The rest of the room is covered from floor to ceiling shelving, most of which is populated with expensive and fragile looking pottery.]

Alice: Well, it doesn't seem too scary so far. [Looks behind the others and screams] Oh my God!


Harvey: Never fear, my dear! I shall protect you! [Gingerly turns around]


[Everyone turns to look, and see what appears to be a huge plate of snakes on a sideboard. Fortunately, they are clearly fake ones.]


Austin : [Sighs] Do we really want to know?


Austin : [Picks up a fake snake and puts it in his pocket] I wonder who lives here?


[As AUSTIN does the fake snake take, somehow the entire plate of them falls over, sending them flying in all directions. Most of them are very springy, and the bounce around the room, knocking down vases and hitting various party members in the eye.]

Alice: Ow! Careful!

;;; Out for an hour


Harvey: [Gazing at the devastation] Private, you're going to need a *lot* of superglue.


Austin : [Nonchlantly whistling] Perhaps some sort of clown may live here.


Alice: Clint lives here? Cool! I bet all sorts of hilarious hijinks will ensue!

[ALICE's chair immediately breaks and she falls on the ground.]

Alice: Hey! That wasn't funny at all!


Charlie: Indeed! Your clumsiness is shocking. And as a GUEST in someone's home! Now, let me show you how a lady conducts herself. [Attempts to sit in a chair and take up a cup and saucer]


[CHARLIE picks up the cup, but the saucer sticks to it, as does a soggy beermat to a glass, only to fall off as she tries to drink, causing her to spill cold tea all down her front.]

Alice: Very ladylike!


Harvey: [Drily] Indeed, Private Parker-Kensington. You are an example to us all.


Charlie: [Puts the cup down and unhappily dabs at her her tea-soaked blouse.] Yes. Perhaps we should find another room?

;;; Are there other doors?


[There are two doors leading out of this room, one of which seems to be a main door leading outside. Suddenly, HARVEY slips on a previously unnoticed banana skin and crashes onto the table, covering SEBASTIAN and GUBBINS in crockery and sandwiches.]


Harvey: [Picking himself off the floor] As I was saying, Private Parker-Kensington, an example to us all. Perhaps we should check outside?


Alice: I guess, but either we're suddenly really unlucky or we're suddenly very awkward. And that's bad, as I normally have the grace of a ballerina. [Suddenly notices that her elbow has been dipped in some disgusting looking yellow liquid, even though there doesn't appear to be any in this room] Ew!


Dur: I shudder to imagine the possibilities if this dimension really is making us clumsier than normal!

;;; Hey, are we still doing that 2012 thing?


Charlie: [Peers at Alice's elbow] What on earth is that?! [Sniffs at the yellow liquid]


Austin : [Looks at Alice's elbow] Is it not always like that?


Sebastian: [Brushed himself down after being covered and takes a wonder over to Alice] Interesting. Do you remember your elbow feeling wet at any point?

;;; Sorry for the late arrival, been busy all day


Alice: Nope! [Holds it up] Take a taste!


Dur: [Takes a taste without hesitation] Has a little ZING to it!


Alice: Ew! Now it's all wet!

;;; Out for another hour!


Charlie: [Wrinkles her nose at Dur] Do be careful! That could be poisonous, or perhaps [lowers her voice and continues delicately] bodily fluid containing any number of sexually transmitted diseases. [To Alice] No offense!


Clint: Hey, it's the doc we're talking about! He has to be immune to diseases and poisons and stuff like that - look at his diet!


Alice: None taken -- especially as I probably picked it up in your house, Charlie!


Harvey: The lesson being to not pick anything up in Private Parker-Kensington's house. Anyway, perhaps we should do what we came here to do so we can, ahem, *leave*?


Clint: Anything to get us out of here as fast as we can!


Sebastian: I agree. Sooner we do what we need to do sooner we can leave. I think we're just stalling because of the side effects of the protection spell [grimaces slightly at picturing the side effects]


Alice: Speaking of which, who's going to cast the spell? And on who? Maybe we might be lucky and no one will know we're here?


Clint: I'll do it. Just tell me who to cast it on.


Sebastian: Actually I'll do it. I believe I am probably the most familiar with spells and using them out of us all.


Dur: I take offense to that good sir! Obviously, I am an able doctor and healer and have just as much experience!=


Harvey: Well, I suppose one option is that we stand here all day, arguing over who casts the spell, what? Does it really matter who casts it if magical skill is irrelevant?

;;; Hometime


Alice: Harvey's right -- we should spend a lot of time discussing it!


Austin : Indeed, but must we have the discussion right now?


Alice: Good point, Aus, it really would be most inconvenient to do it now.


Charlie: [To Harvey, tsking] Really, Colonel! You surprise me. Most inefficient. We really should act now and discuss later! [Strides toward the door that seems to be the main door]


Harvey: Excellent! We should schedule a meeting for, say, a week next Thursday?


Gubbins: Come ON! We've a bunch of Airs to kill off!


Harvey: Er, right... Um, I say, why are we killing heirs again?


Gubbins: They're not heirs, they're airs.

Alice: You just said that they were heirs, Harvey's the one who said they're airs!


Charlie: Now, let's not split [with huge, stagey emphasis] hairs! [Laughs hysterically]


Gubbins: You think that's funny? I can assure you that I do not! This is not the time for frivolity and foolishness. It is the time for making plans. Excruciatingly detailed and needless complicated plans! Now, who's with me?

[The light falls from the ceiling and smacks GUBBINS on the head, knocking him unconscious.]

Alice: Ouch! That was unlucky. [Thinks] Or maybe it was really lucky?

;;; David is out for a few days


Charlie: [Looks at Gubbins worriedly] Oh, dear! He cannot face the Care Bares like this. Quickly, let's hid him under the table and come back for him later.


Harvey: [Disapprovingly] Tsk, lying down on the job.


Dur: [Shaking his head at the unconscious Gubbins] If we come back for him at all!=


Alice: Wow, it must feel great to be able to look down on someone, Dur!


Dur: Yes, but not as great as being able to look up someone's skirt... Errr, what are we talking about again?=


Alice: True, especially on a windy day. [Suddenly realizes where she is] I mean, hey! What kind of pervert are you? I never looked up your skirt!


Dur: Don't try to deny it NOW! Say... Weren't we supposed to be doing something important?

;;; that is three for me I think. Lets hope the welfare of the group never hangs in the balance between these two!=


Harvey: [Looks up sharply] I say! Are we here to kill the heirs for getting up Alice's skirt on a windy day?!? [Reaches for his sword] The blaggards!

;;; Sorry, couldn't resist!


Alice: Uh, that's right -- they were looking up mine! [Looks guilty] Er, so anyway, this Baring Meter that we're supposed to find. Should we cast the spell first? Or should we wait until we find it?

;;; Out for an hour!


Charlie: Wait until we find it, I should think. The spell might not last very long. [To the group] Wouldn't you agree?


Alice: Sounds good to me!

;;; Okay, really gone now!


Austin : Excellent. Now some one strong and servile should drag Mr Gubbins along with us. [Gaze falls on Clint] Ah, Mr Scar, would you be so kind? [Gestures to Gubbins]

;;; sorry, busy busy day.


Clint: Right! To the Baring Meter! [Heads to the main door and raises a foot to kick it down, for the style points.]


[CLINT takes a kick at the door and misses, somehow kicking SEBASTIAN instead, knocking him back against a shelf of vases, all of which fall and break.]

Sebastian: Ow! Hey, careful, friend!


Content-Type: text/plain; charset=us-ascii

--Apple-Mail-E7038F99-D957-47C2-A9B3-F206E4436F7B Content-Transfer-Encoding: 7bit


Dur: Something weird is going on in this room! [Tries to cast detect magic]


Clint: [Shrugs.] Whoops? [Reaches to open the door and suddenly things better of it, turning to Dur.] You go first.


Charlie: Do be serious! As your leader, I shall go first! [Tries to open the door]


Clint: [Watches expectantly for the joy buzzer effect.]


Harvey: Of course Private! Well done! [Quietly to the others] It's always useful to let her be the leader when being the leader might be dangerous, what?


[DUR casts his spell, but nothing happens.]

Alice: I think being the leader might always be... uh, is always might be dangerous. Hm. Well, you know what I mean!

[CHARLIE opens the door and immediately bonks herself in the head with it.]

;;; Drew is out too!

Sebastian: You know, I'm starting to think there's something a little untoward in here. [Glances at himself in a convenient mirror and gives it a smile] Hello, Beautiful. [The mirror cracks, and he adds with some urgency] Something very untoward!


Charlie: [To Sebastian, rubbing her head unhappily] I quite agree! This place seems to be making us all terribly awkward! Hurry, let's get out of here! [Attempts to exit through the door]


Clint: Maybe we should try to be clumsy so we can actually be less clumsy!


[Someone closes the door from the outside, just as CHARLIE goes for it.]

Alice: Great idea, Clint! Let me try to poke myself in the eye! [Tries to poke herself in the eye. Succeeds.] Ow!


Austin : [Frowning] I think that I may find any attempt on my behalf, to act clumsily, quite impossible. [Tries to open the door very gently]


[AUSTIN gently pulls the door, but it now appears to be stuck.]

Alice: Harder, Austin! Pull your knob harder!

;;; Queens View -- bringing you lowbrow entertainment

;;; since 1995!


Charlie: [Encouragingly] Yes! Yes! Harder! Harder!

;;; Sigh.


Harvey: Do you need some help? Perhaps Private Scar can give it a good tug for you, what?

;;; I thought this was highbrow :)


[The door suddenly opens, smacking AUSTIN in the face and sending him careering backwards into CHARLIE and HARVEY. Standing in the doorway is an adorable looking live teddy bear, who gives the party a smile and a wave. This is the BAD LUCK BARE.]

Bad: Hi everyone!


Austin : [Nursing his face] Help me, help!


Alice: [Looks at Austin's face] Gasp!


Charlie: [Looks at Austin and says] Oh, don't be silly! Enormous facial scars can be quite sexy. [To Bad Luck Bare] Who are you?! A Care Bare, one assumes?


;;; Austin's face is fine, of course!

Bad: And one would be correct. I'm Care Bare who loves hugs!

Alice: [To the party] He is kind of adorable, isn't he?


Austin : [Cradling his face. Scolding to Alice] Oh that's right, I am nearly dead and you are all infatuated with cuddly bears!


Alice: [Hugging the cuddly bear] Hey! What makes you think I wasn't talking about you?


Charlie: [To Alice, alarmed] Stay away from him! He's clearly making us all awkward, and you are barely able to walk upright as is!


Harvey: Yes, dear, stay away from Austin - you just can't trust lawyers.


Alice: Hey! Someone just stole my wallet!

Bad: Sounds like you guys are having your share of bad luck! Maybe a hug will make it all better?


Charlie: [To Bad] No! You stay away from us! [To the party] Hurry, let's run away before we all accidentally decapitate ourselves with spoons or some such nonsense!


Sebastian: [To Charlie] Why a spoon? [Walks over to Bad] Hugs are always good [Smiles and group hugs Alice and Bad]


[The audience gives a big "awwwww".]

Bad: Seb's right! [Bites Alice on the shoulder, before clawing Sebastian, knocking him to the ground, with a huge gash on his chest]

;;; Alice lose 10hp, Sebastian lose 8hp


Clint: [Not surprised at all.] Never trust a plush toy! [Tries to rip Bad limb from limb from limb.]


[CLINT swings and just barely misses, how unlucky!]


Charlie: Do be careful, Mr. Scar! You might end up injuring yourself, or one of us! Let us attempt an escape, instead. [Tries to locate another door]


[CHARLIE scrambles to the other door, but it is simply an over stuffed closet, so she is immediately covered in an avalanche of clothing, boxes and, of course, bowling balls.]

Alice: We're too unlucky to hurt him!


Charlie: OW! [Hopping on one foot] Keep looking for an exit!


Alice: There's one! [Points, but then looks disappointed] Gah! It's just a big mirror!


Sebastian: [Moans in pain somewhat] That hurt. Stuffed animals aren't meant to do that. By the Mother what are you? [Stands up, pointing at Bad]


Clint: He's pure evil in an adorable exterior! Kind of like a woman, really. [Looks around frantically for an exit, or a deep dark hole down which Bad can be stuffed, or something.]


[No exits in sight, just the one that BAD is blocking. The rest of the room is filled with breakable objects such as vases, cups and a couple of large mirrors.]

Bad: The Mother? Hold on a second! [Looks around] Yellow Ties! You bastards! What the hell are you doing here?


Charlie: [Looks down at her yellow tie] Oh, right! [To Bad, attempting to sound menacing but mostly sounding like she has a severe cold] Wouldn't you like to know?! Oh, it's dreadful, simply dreadful. You'd best let us alone, or suffer the dire consequences!


Harvey: Quick, troop! We should make a tactical withdrawal while our enemies are battling each other.


Alice: Harvey! We ARE the enemy he's battling!

Bad: [Points angrily at Charlie] Hey, Aequilibra is fair game, but you have no right to come here!


Sebastian: [To Bad] Took you long enough to notice our ties fuzz ball [Smiles rather friendly like, still pointing, unknowing what is coming next. Casts Grease (http://dungeons.wikia.com/wiki/SRD:Grease)]


[Nothing happens.]

Bad: [Yawns] You YTGs are a pack of idiots.


Austin : [To Bad] Why, what would you have done that is so terribly clever and cunning? Huh? No good answer, no I didn't think so!


Clint: Yeah! Look how long it took you to realize we're wearing yellow ties!


Harvey: Maybe the Bad Luck Bare has extremely poor eyesight? That would be rather... unlucky, wouldn't you say?


Bad: Hey! I'm not unlucky! I'm the one who gives out bad luck! I never have bad luck! Never!


Charlie: [To Harvey] Methinks he doth protest too much! [To Bad, with mock sympathy] Tell us about it, poor thing! Has your luck turned bad, in a karmic twist of fate?


Sebastian: [Lowering his arm] Yes Bad Luck Bare, tell us about your worries and your problems. I am a great believer in Hakuna Matata myself [Contiues to smile in a friendly fashion despite the gash across his chest from Bad]


Bad: Step outside so I can use the Painbow on you! Now!


Harvey: Why? What happens if we don't, eh?


Sebastian: [To Bad] Well you see there's the thing, every time we try to get outside we don't seem to be able to. Why can't you do it in here? Does this house negate magical energies?


Bad: [To Harvey] Then I can't use it, can I? You idiot! [To Sebastian] Because the house is too small!

Alice: If only he had the kind of bad luck we do!


Charlie: [Puzzled] But size doesn't matter! [To the party] When it comes to houses and casting magic, that is.


Alice: Maybe it depends on how much damage the spell does? After all, it would be awful if he destroyed his beautiful house. [Gestures to all the broken crockery and vases; it seems like there's just one large mirror left intact out of everything else in the house]


Harvey: Indeed, it would be rather unfortunate if some clumsy buffoon were to smash it into tiny pieces, wouldn't it? Private Scar, if you please... [Gestures for Clint to break the mirror]


Charlie: [Excited] Oooh, allow me! I've always wanted to do something delightfully naughty like this! [Picks up a chair and attempts to break the mirror with the chair]


Austin : I really think that that is not a good idea!


Harvey: Oh, of course! How silly of us! You do have our apologies, Private, what!?! [To Charlie] Is there time for Private Sleaze to check himself in the mirror before we break it?


Alice: There's ALWAYS time for that!

Bad: No! Break it now! You fools! Even more bad luck for breaking a mirror!

Alice: [To Charlie] Maybe you should break the mirror off him?


Charlie: [Drops the chair before she breaks the mirror] Oh, how thrilling! It will be just like an old-time saloon brawl! [Attempts to snatch the mirror and hit Bad over the head with it. Affecting a lame "Western" drawl] You clearly cheated at that poker game, you rogue!


Gubbins: [Coming round and sitting up, rubbing his be-chandeliered head] Ow, that really ... what's going on now?

;;; Sorry for last week, folks.

;;; And before I forget, I am away from work all day tomorrow


Sebastian: Clearly he was cheating Charlie. There's no way he could have held the cards with those paws!


Alice: [As the mirror slowly heads towards Bad] With those what?? What? Finish your sentence!


Charlie: [To Alice] Not "pause," but rather "paws"! [Frustrated] Oh, I do hope you understand, as I cannot make finger quotes and make little bear paws just now, as I am mid-whack!


[Crash! The mirror smashes into BAD.]

Bad: Ow! Hey! That really hurt!

Alice: Uh oh! Seven years bad luck -- and in bear years, that's probably 49!


Dur: So now that we have broken everything within the house, perhaps we should bring down the structure next?=


Alice: But that would crush us! [Thinks] Unless there was someone really, really unlucky, and they get caught instead!


Harvey: For example, our unlucky friend here? [Indicates the Bad Luck Bear]


Clint: Saaaay, someone with seven year's bad luck? [Tries for the door again.]


Alice: That indeed would be a good example!

[CLINT grabs the door and pulls it open.]

Bad: Hey! [Thunk, gets smacked in the head with the door] Ow!


Gubbins: That's a turnip for the books! [Pauses] Or something. [Looks through the now-open door] Where are we going though? We should recce the place and plan our expedition in accordance with the lie of the land.


Charlie: [To Clint] Well done, Mr. Scar! Now, let's tear this house of horrors down!


Clint: Wouldn't it be more fun to let his own bad luck do that for him while we watch?


Dur: [Searching for a pack of matches] Fine! Let's compromise then, let's light this baby up and then watch as his bad luck prevents him from escaping= ?


Charlie: [Aghast] Mr. Scar, you surprise me! I thought you would delight in a chance to be destructive, with my full permission!


Bad: Just you wait! [Swings at Clint but unluckily misses, punching the wall instead, having his paw go through it] Gah! [Tries to pull out, but is stuck, and starts to knock plaster out of the wall as he struggles, causing the entire building to shake]


Harvey: I think he's trying to beat us to it, what?


Gubbins: [Watching the shaking building around them, in some alarm] Okay, new plan - we leave NOW! Exeunt, stage ... that way! [Makes for the open door]


Bad: Come back here so I can get you!

[Exit the party, leaving BAD behind.]

Bad: Get back here! Get back! Uh oh!

[The entire house collapses, squashing BAD.]

;;; End of scene, next one coming right up


[Book VIII, Act VI, Scene VI. The remains of the house. ALICE, AUSTIN, CHARLIE, CLINT, DUR, GUBBINS, HARVEY and SEBASTIAN are here, surveying the destroyed house.]

Alice: Wow, that was the unluckiest thing I've ever seen in my life!


Clint: Haw! This is great! [Too Bad.] Just bear with us as we make our escape.

;;; Sorry, sorry.


Dur: Don't say that! You're inviting the universe to visit even unluckier circumstances upon us!


Gubbins: Dr T Rag may be right. There is a clan of people in the western hills that only speak when the facts of the subject matter are undisputable, for fear of offending the gods. They are a superstitious bunch ... but it's a peaceful place.


Alice: Well, I for one am pretty sure that even those gods wouldn't be able to make things unluckier for us than they have been for that bear. In fact -- hey! Can anyone else smell anchovies?

;;; As a matter of fact, they can!


Charlie: Indeed, I most certainly can! How positively rapturous! What an ineffable delight! [Hesitates] Hmm, I certainly hope I am not pregnant again. [Quickly] Not that I suffer from Tokophobia.


Clint: [Takes a deep whiff.] Might as well let our noses be our guides! [Follows the trail, as it were.]


Gubbins: Anchovies? [Sniffs] Why, yes - I can! Awesome! I *love* anchovies. [Follows Clint as he follows his nose]


Sebastian: [Wrinkles his nose at the air] Alas poor Yorrik, I smell them well. [Licking his lips he turns back to look at the fallen house] At least we didn't have to use the protection spell just yet. [Begins to walk after Clint as he follows the smell]


Alice: [Gives Charlie a quick glare, before turning to Gubbins] Me too! I think anchovies are awesome, too! They should be called Awesomovies!

[Rather surprisingly, there is a massive table of food conveniently located behind the party. It consists almost entirely of anchovies, but there are a few plates of honeyed golden locusts too.]


Gubbins: [Looks at surprisingly-convenient table of food with some suspicion] Hmm. Something smells fishy. ... IT'S THE ANCHOVIES! Awesome! [Goes to grab a plateful]


Clint: Haw! [Makes a bee-line for the table, grabs an anchovy, sniffs it like a snobby wine connoisseur, and licks the anchovy delicately.]


Harvey: Gah! Anchovies?!? By the saints will the pain never end? [Picks some random item from the table and touches it with his toungue to taste it]


Dur: No! They are all mine! [Jealously leaps onto the table and begins licking plates full of anchovies with his tongue] =


Alice: [Rescues a plate for herself] Hey! Do you really think that's a good idea, Dur? Really? [To the others] We should write down a list of rules for him!


Sebastian: [Practically skips to the table and picks up an untouched anchovie tenderly, allowing the aroma to wander up his nose and excite his sense of smell before letting his tongue slowly and gently smother the delicasy] Mmmm, Alice don't you just find them supercalifragilisticexpialidocious to your senses?


Gubbins: That's what *I* said! Anchovies are AWESOME! [Chomps another one]


Harvey: [To Dur] By the saints, man, are you insane? [To Alice] Absolutely, my dear. We cannot possibly expect him to remember a list of rules without some written reference. We should also define a written list of rules for yourself, as well for Privates Scar, Parker-Kensington and Sleaze. As well as for our two newcomers. Hmm, we should also write down everyone's names - it's so easy to forget, what?


Charlie: [Protects her plate of anchovies from Dur. To Alice, excited] Oh, I shall make a list of rules for Dur! I am ever so good at that!


Dur: I'll probably just eat that too! [Sucking on an anchovie]


Gubbins: Not too big on rules, me, Charlie. Certainly not written lists of them. [Puts down plate of anchovies] Well, that was most welcome but I have had my fill. Mind you, something to drink right now would be, y'know ... awesome.


Harvey: [To Dur] By the saints, man, are you insane? [Eyes Gubbins] Perhaps we should define a written list of guidelines for the number of times per minute someone should say the word "awesome", eh?


Gubbins: Just saying.


Sebastian: Why Harvey, that is an awesome idea! [He exclaims excitedly] You must be truly awesome to be blessed with a brain so awesome to be able to think of such awesomeness! [Proceeds then to eat more anchovies] Mmm, these anchovies are truly awesome. And to think, I never used to like them until now.


Charlie: [Delightedly digging through her knapsack] Aha! I knew I had just the notepad for you, Dur! [Proudly shows a bright yellow notepad but keeps it out of his reach] Now, Rule 1! You must see a proper doctor at once to determine the reasons for your Xylophagia!


Alice: That is an awesome idea, and awesome is a whole lot better than Superfragileexpeditions. [To Charlie] Let me do the writing, I'll be much quicker! [Writes down abbreviations for each party member] Oh, I can tell, this is going to be great. I mean, awesome!


Alice: Rule 2, no talking about Filophagia!


Gubbins: [To Charlie] *Proper* doctor? You mean he's *not* a proper doctor? But I was going to ask him about my - [trails off] - never mind. [To Alice] Super-fragile expeditions are the worst kind, Alice. Unless you've thought of everything, covered every eventuality, laid plans to deal with the worst, then expeditions can be hell on earth. [Shudders, then looks around] Or whatever dimension you happen to be on.


Clint: [Busily looking for anchovies that Dur has not already licked.]

;;; Why are we talking about awesomeness when there's *anchovies*

around? Honestly! =)


Alice: Not only that, Gubsy, but sometimes you have [points at Dur] him with you! It doesn't get much worse than that. Honestly, Dur, why do you think getting on the table is a good idea?


Harvey: Yes, Dur, are you insane? [Picks up a honeyed golden locust and licks it. Unsure if it contains anchovies, he puts it back]


Dur: [With the tails of about 5 anchovies sticking out of his mouth] Yep! Insane for ANCHOVIES! HAW!=


Gubbins: Say, Harvey. I will promise to avoid saying "awesome" if you promise to stop asking everyone if they're insane.


;;; Sorry, meant to say that's all from me until Wednesday. Have fun.

On Mon, 23 Jan 2012 16:54:49 -0000, John Ludlow <john.ludlow.uk@gmail.com> wrote:

-- Using Opera's revolutionary email client: http://www.opera.com/mail/


Harvey: Nonsense! I'm only asking Dur! [To Dur] Are you insane? [To Gubbins] See? [Thinks] Hmm, Alice, would you write that down so we don't forget?


Charlie: [Exasperated] Oh, this is even more annoying than the last meeting of the International Society for the Preservation of Folkloric Art and Craftwork! [Shudders] Those ISPFAC Society types just go on and on about the magnificence of this stained lump of clay or that. [Enraged] They were primitive peoples! Wilhelmina is already a better artist!


Alice: Can do! [Scribbles something down and shows the party]

[ALICE's note reads: "Only Dur[1]
can be asked [2] if he's insane [3] ."]

Alice: Doesn't it look really official with all the references in there!


Austin : [Furiously scribbling everything down] I've got it! I have it already, no need Alice! [Eats an anchovie] Of course, anchovies are one of the very best food stuffs to take on long expeditions! [Scribbles muttering] Nicholas et al., 1214.


Austin : {Frowning] But what references are they? May I see your list of citations, I should take a copy of them lest our plan appear confusing.


Sebastian: Hold up! All this rule writing and dictating is distracting us from the matter at hand people!


Alice: We don't need no stinkin' references! [To Charlie] Isn't that right? We all know what I mean!


Charlie: [To Austin and Alice, irked] What ARE you doing? I cannot even begin to guess what reference style you claim to be employing, but let us agree that the International Society for Science and Stuff formatting style is preferable. Now, carefully explain the nature of your sources to me, and I shall help you format them properly.


Alice: He's right -- won't someone please think of the anchovies! [To Charlie] Sure, it's preferable. I just prefer NSS Society method. NSS is the New Society Society, by the way. It's in one of my references.


Austin : [Laughs at Charlie's suggestion] As if [Stuffs his mouth fill of anchovies] Yummmmm.


Austin : I think that you will all find the Law Societies system far superior in every way. [Scribbles this down] And you should adopt it immediately. The slightest ambiguity or lack of clarity could cause a major mishap later on, Beard et al., 1202.


Charlie: [To Alice, horrified] That isn't a recognized formatting style! I know all 27 internationally recognized styles, and I have a style book for each! [Indignantly] And, in any case, it couldn't possibly compare to the ISS


Harvey: [To Alice] Believe me, my dear, I *am* thinking of the anchovies. Perhaps you should write that down, with references. [To Sebasitan] Indeed, we forgot the matter at hand because we didn't write it down. [To Alice] Write that down as well, would you?


Dur: [Uses the distraction to continue his campaign of licking all the anchovies still on the table] Mmmmmmmm!=


Clint: I'm with you, Doc! These guys are nuts!


Austin : Well I for one am very glad to see everyone writing everything down, so that they don't loose track of the plan. Dawes and Mortimer, 1203. [Eats some more anchovies] Hmmm, delicious. We should do this more often. [Muches more anchoives] Perhaps we should stop for a few minutes and collate our efforts, thereby reducing error by averaging over multiple copies, Farall and Dwight 1203. [Keeps writing]


Sebastian: They've gone completely bonkers! All this rule writing when there are anchovies to be eaten! [Without looking reaches out for an anchovie but picks up a locust instead to eat] Completely bonkers! [Shakes his head and pops the locust in to his mouth and crunches down on it]


Harvey: [Looks at Dur with the anchovies] Private Dur! Are you insane? [Looks queasy] Oh, I say, I don't feel well.


Austin : [To harvey] You are most probably just hungry, colonel. Why don't you have some of these delightful anchovies [Nibbles the head off an anchovie, makeing sucking slurping sounds.


Alice: [Licks the head of an anchovy] Mm! Awesome! Hey, I wonder if that bear would like one.

[ALICE points out a happy looking pink teddy bear with a rainbow across its chest. This is CHEER BARE.]

Cheer: [Waves to the party] Hi everyone! [To Alice] I'm not a bear, I'm a Bare!


Charlie: [Delighted] What a cheery thing you are! You don't seem to belong with these dreadful little monsters at all. Do join us for anchovies.


Cheer: I'd love to, but I'm afraid the deliberate and egregious use of bad citations are making me concerned about dealing with some of the others, and, between you and me, I think some of them only want to eat the anchovies because they know it upsets someone else in the group.


Austin : [Taking notes] Nonsense, [Noting to self] left square bracket, one, right square bracket, [To Cheer] these anchovies are sumptuous!


Harvey: [Groans]


Cheer: Really? [Takes the one nearest Austin and licks it] Mm! Yes, they are AWESOME. [Puts it back on the plate]


Austin : [Sucks the head off an anchovie and puts it back on the plate] I prefer the heads [Makes a reference note [2, p462] ], so I'll put the bodies back incase someone else likes them better.


Cheer: Mm! That looks really good! [Grabs Austin and sticks his/her tongue down his throat to lick the anchovy head, before pulling back] Minty!


Austin : [To Cheer] Even though you are rather good at that you really should ask first. [Rolls his eyes]


Harvey: I see Private Sleaze has started making friends with the locals, what? Now, can we stop eating this disgusting... stuff and get moving?


Cheer: Now, why would you want to do that? [Steps back so that the party can see the rainbow on his shirt starting to glow]


Austin : That is probalbly the painbow. So, the plan is to cast the protection spell on eachother. Perhaps it should be cast upon me first, since I am the most improtant member of the party.


Harvey: [Beaming, though still looking a bit green] Excellent, Private! That means you will be in direct combat with the evil Care Bares and their terrifying Painbow, while we observe from a safe distance, what? We'll make a soldier of you, yet!

;;; just sent to me by accident?


Charlie: [Impressed] Indeed! Uncharacteristically brave of you, Mr. Sleaze.


Austin : [Dryly to Charlie] Yes it would be. I have no intention of behaving uncharacteristically, I merely requested protection. Will you cast the protection spell on me now please


Alice: But who's going to cast it?


Austin : If someone casts it on me I shall return the favour. Please hurry up, I am much to beautiful to die. [Checks his nails casually]


Charlie: As the group's leader, I shall cast it! [Attempts to cast the spell on Austin]


Sebastian: [To the party] You know, it occurs to me, why don't we just lobby the locusts between Sleaze and the Painbow when it is cast? That way the locusts will get it instead of him. [Starts picking at his teeth] And since when did anchovies taste like honey? [Picks up another anchovie to eat to get rid of the taste]


Alice: Because a locust is about an inch high and we have no idea how much of a spread the Painbow has?

[CHARLIE casts the spell, just as the Painbow explodes from CHEER BARE's chest, completely engulfing AUSTIN, who shrieks in pain. CHARLIE, meantime, falls to the ground, bleeding from the nose and ears.]

;;; Austin lose 16hp, Charlie lose 35


Dur: [Startled] What?! Does that mean the protection spell is not working? [Tries to cast the protection spell on Harvey]


Alice: I think that means it IS working! That's what Gertrude warned us about!

[DUR casts his spell, but nothing seems to happen. Meanwhile, CHEER looks confused.]

Cheer: Hey! What's going on here?


Sebastian: [To Cheer] Oh nothing much, we just came prepared that's all [Grins and attempts to cast Magic Missle at Cheer[http://dungeons.wikia.com/wiki/SRD:Magic_Missile] ]


[SEBASTIAN casts his spell, but nothing happens.]

Cheer: [Grins back] I guess you weren't as prepared as you thought!


Charlie: [Staggers to her feet. To Cheer] Do go away, you silly little children's toy! We have important work to do.


Clint: We get that a lot! [To the party.] Quick! How do we use this freak's cheeriness against him?


Cheer: So do I! [The rainbow begins to glow again]

Alice: [To Clint] I don't know -- maybe by hacking him to pieces with our swords?


Charlie: I suppose there's only one way to find out! [Tries to hack Cheer to pieces with her sword]


Dur: Perhaps we can turn his cheer into depression? [Starts flinging handfuls of anchovies and locusts at Cheer, licking the anchovies before hurling = them] You call THAT a 'painbow'? I've seen more ominous color from the Yellow Tie Guys!


Clint: Yeah! And your anchovies were disgusting! [Absently reaches down and picks up a handful of anchovies to lick.]


Sebastian: [Mutters to self] What the hell is going on with me today?


Alice: Yeeeeha! [Also attacks Cheer]

[Both CHARLIE and ALICE strike CHEER, who knocks ALICE to the ground in return.]

;;; Cheer lose 22hp, Alice lose 7hp


Harvey: Why today, specifically?

;;; Sorry folks - ended up having to tell someone off.


Clint: Ah, to hell with it. [Attacks Cheer with his sword.] Let's do this the old-fashioned way!


Alice: For God's sake, Harvey! Let's get him before he uses the Painbow again!

[Each of CLINT, CHARLIE, GUBBINS and ALICE attack CHEER, knocking a lot of stuffing out of him. He knocks GUBBINS to the ground.]

;;; Cheer lose 37hp, Gubbins lose 11hp


Dur: Lets get physical! Physical! [Jumps on top of the pile of bodies with a mouth full of anchovies]


Charlie: [Delighted, keeping up the attack] Oh, we are doing so splendidly! It makes the searing pain of bleeding from my ears worthwhile!


Austin : Ugh [Staggers a step then falls to the ground unconcious]


Sebastian: [Moves to behind Cheer and tries to run him through with his sword] There was a Bare in the bed and the little one said "DIE!" [Laughs]


[Everyone but AUSTIN engages, and soon there is little left other than some stuffing and cutesy looking hearts. The desires that everyone had for anchovies, citations and such are now gone.]

Alice: Yeuck! What the hell just happened? I don't even like anchovies!


Dur: Our compulsions did seem a little strange... For most of us that is. [Goes over to take a look at Austin's condition.] =


Charlie: These dreadful little creatures certainly have peculiar ways of attack, don't they?! Really, they are more terribly irksome than truly dangerous, are they not? [Muses] I suppose that is why Mr. Deadpan fared so well here!


Sebastian: Me neither. What's worse is I think I ate a locust too. [Looks down at his hand] Hey! When did I get a sword?


Clint: Never mind that, I ate an anchovy! And I think Dur licked it first!


Alice: If I was you, Clint, I'd be more concerned about the fact that it was on the ground before he licked it!


Harvey: Particularly given that Dur is our health practitioner, what?


Austin : [Comes to slowly] Ergh.Am I dead?


Dur: Not yet! Thanks to some front line first aid by your Doctor! [Beams atAustin even thuogh he didn't actually do anything.] =


Alice: Wow, Dur! And you didn't even have your stick!


Clint: So now that we've beat the pink bear, where to?


Charlie: We need to locate the Baring Meter! [Looks around] Does anyone see anything that looks like a meter?!


Alice: We better see if we can find the Painbow, I guess, although we need to be better organized with our use of the spell.


Charlie: [Wryly] Yes, one hopes not to bleed from one's ears and mouth on a routine basis. Is Mr. Sleaze still under the effect of the spell? [Looks at Austin]


Gubbins: I realise I may be jumping to conclusions here, having only encountered two of them, but I am guessing we can assume that all Care Bares are hostile, despite their friendly, cuddly appearance.


Alice: But they're so cuuuute! [Peers at Austin] I guess the spell didn't work so well, did it? How can we tell if is still having an effect? Oh, and how come no other spells have worked since we got here?


Harvey: We were warned that they were dangerous, what? I suggest we proceed, with caution.


Charlie: Good questions, but I have no answer for them! Perhaps the Care Bares have added magical protections since Mr. Deadpan was last here? We'd better try to avoid them as much as possible, then!


Austin : [Gets up, takes out a sticky roller cleaner and cleans himself] Well, I am still alive, so we can only assume that Gertrudes spell worked. [Ponders] Either that or perhaps the Painbow cannot kill beautiful people.


Charlie: But why would this one spell only work, I wonder?


Sebastian: I wouldn't mind knowing why spells aren't working myself. But perhaps some stealth is required, keep out of view until we locate the Baring Meter.


Alice: Maybe our spells only work in our dimension? And there's something special about this one?


Charlie: How dreadfully inconvenient! If that's the case, we are at a grave disadvantage here. Let us proceed with great caution. Now, where would one keep a Baring Meter? [Scans the area thoughtfully]


Gubbins: If we knew what it looked like, that'd help. But surveying an area is my thing. Let's see ... [Looks around the place, moving around the immediate area to get a better idea of the terrain]


[There appears to a small town about a half a mile away.]

Alice: I hope to god it's not there.


Charlie: [To Gubbins] Thank you, Coleridge! [To Alice] Why on earth not? Have you some sort of prejudice against small town folk? I think you'll find them quite charming in their backward, simple-minded ways. [Lights up, delighted] Perhaps we'll be invited to a [finger quotes] hootenanny!


Harvey: Well, let's take a look and be sure, eh?


Alice: Uh, well, I was just going to say that it was very far away -- or maybe very small -- but now that you say it, good point! It could be even worse than I feared, I mean, are they going to screw a goat?


;;; Out for about an hour or more


Charlie: [Appalled] Really, your ignorance is too shocking! Everyone knows small-town folk prefer the gentle, downy love of sheep!

;;; Yes, I grew up in a small town, so

;;; it's OK that I'm saying this! ; )


Gubbins: [To Charlie, huffily] I happen to come from a small town myself, [emphasis] Charlotte. Those 'backward, simple-minded ways' you find quite charming are the whole world to many people. [Storms off towards the small town half a mile away]


Sebastian: [Frowns, obviously offended] I also happen to come from a small town, and I assure you, there is no known beastiality ever happening there [Follow Gubbins]

;;; Just to let you know guys I won't be around at all on Friday


Austin : I do not come from a small town. Thankfully. [Examines the remains of the Bare]


;;; Ok that's me out for the rest of the day guys. See you tomorrow,

and don't forget I'm not here at all on Friday.


Alice: Yeesh, Aus, they're so temperamental, it makes me think it would be better if they did screw the odd goat!

[The Bare seems to be made up of nothing but felt and stuffing.]

;;; Gone for the day, and no posting until tomorrow, oh no!


Austin : How unfortunate. Just out of curiosity, what do you normally thinkof?


Clint: Do you really want to know, lawyer?

;;; So my tale of woe: no walking in to the office this morning because

thunderstorm/tornado watch, and me laptop wouldn't boot.

;;; Gah! Hopefully I can get that sorted this evening.


;;; That was a typo earlier -- no posts until FRIDAY!


Alice: [To Austin] Normally just about what a nice guy you are.


Charlie: Do let's keep moving toward this little town. The longer we tarry, the more likely we will find they have turned in for the night. [Wisely] Simple folk often go to bed at 6:00 or 7:00 in the evening, as they are not able to conceive of creative or improving uses of their time.


Harvey: Do we really spend that long thinking about that? Anyway, perhaps we should investigate this settlement, what?


;;; BTW, I have a meeting this afternoon so don't be surprised if I

vanish for an hour or two.


Alice: I thought they'd be busy sacrificing sheep and dancing in the moonlight?

[Exit ALL, towards the town.]

;;; End of scene, next one coming right up


[Book VIII, Act VI, Scene VII. The Park. ALICE, AUSTIN, CHARLIE, CLINT, DUR, GUBBINS, HARVEY and SEBASTIAN are here, on the way to the town. They are in what appears to be a park, with a children's play area, gazebo, picnic area, etc. They are about quarter of a mile from the town, but everyone is starting to feel incredibly tired.]

;;; Drew is out today

Sebastian: [Yawning] Yeesh! I think I might have to take a rest!


Gubbins: [Also yawning] Whoah, yeah! So ... tired ... suddenly. I don't to be cynical but - [yawns again] - what is this going to be: the attack of the Bedtime Bare?


Charlie: That would be dreadful! We would be totally helpless if we fell asleep. Shall we search this park for the next Bare?!


;;; Away in a meeting for an hour or so.


Alice: [To Gubbins] Maybe it's just a really boring Bare?

[The party suddenly spot another BARE sitting on a bench. This is GRUMPY BARE.]

Grumpy: Oh? So I'm boring, am I? Well that's just great!


Harvey: Cheerful fellow, isn't he?


Alice: He seems to be happy about something!

Grumpy: I'm just some good for nothing waste of space who's only purpose is to distract you while another Bare prepares to destroy you. Is that it?


Dur: [Yawning] Can we just skip to the ass kicking part and get this over with? These Bares are irritating.=


Alice: [Also yawns] Hey, what did he say about distracting us? I was distracted!


Charlie: [To Grumpy, fighting a yawn] You stand back, or you shall meet a dreadful fate! We have already shredded one of your hellish comrades today.


Dur: [Yawns again] you're ALWAYS distracted!


Austin : [To Grumpy] Why are you so grumpy, are you merely a distraction, as you claim to be? [Sighs, yawning]


Alice: [To Dur] Huh?

Grumpy: Because I wanted to just kill you, but, because you [glares at Charlie, making finger quotes] shredded some of my colleagues, you need to be tested.


Austin : [To Charlie] Demons of all kinds seem to be attracted to you. [Ponders] Perhaps it is the way you smell. Anyway, someone should be ready to cast the protection spell upon you, just in case.


Gubbins: Good plan! I shall do it. [Yawns] Hand me the spell.


Harvey: [To Austin, stifling a yawn] Not up for having the spell cast on you again, eh, Private Sleaze?


Alice: Yikes! Maybe he shouldn't be -- look at his hair!

[AUSTIN's hair appears to be thinning rapidly. Rather surprisingly, ALICE's face seems to have suddenly broken out in zits.]

Alice: That's kinda weird, isn't it?


Charlie: [Tries to attack Grumpy] How could you? Nothing matters more to Alice and Mr. Sleaze than superficial good looks! You'll destroy them both!


Grumpy: [Before Charlie gets to him] I won't -- Pestilence will.


Charlie: [Taken aback] What on earth do you mean?! [Defensively] He would never harm them. He promised me!


Austin : [Completely white in shock as he catches a clump of hair] Noooooooo!


Dur: I don't think the promise of a Demon means very much...


Charlie: [Snaps at Dur] That's not true! He has never lied to me, and he has never broken a promise to me.


Charlie: [Snaps at Dur] That's not true! He has never lied to me, and he has never broken a promise to me.

Dur: [Snapping back] Just because he hasn't lied to you doesn't mean you have been told everything! He can cause our destruction without directly kill= ing us woman! Have you ever thought of that? Perhaps you are blinded by your own love of him to see him for what he truly is capable of!=


;;; That's me, folks - 4pm finish on Fridays. Have a good weekend. - David

On Fri, 27 Jan 2012 15:51:19 -0000, Heather <heather.goggans@gmail.com> wrote:

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Grumpy: Then how do you account for the fact that himself and Bustin Jeibers are on their way here right now? [Gestures to the side of the party]

[Enter PESTILENCE and BUSTIN JEIBERS, the Realms-wide famous teen pop singing sensation. They are carrying what appears to be a bath between them.]

Pestilence: Come on, Bustin! Sing us your really, really, really, really annoying song!

Bustin: Which one? They all sound that way!


Harvey: [Glaring at Bustin] You! [To the Party] This man was responsible for the Camp Brassiere riots and the loss of an entire division!


Clint: Oooh, either this is a trick or Chuck's husband has a lot of explaining to do!


Austin : [Frozen in terror, looking at his own hair in his hands. Crying] But why?


Charlie: [Goes to give Pestilence a kiss] Darling, how wonderful to see you! [Uncertainly] But why are you here? And with that insipid boy? And carrying a bathtub?!


Pestilence: We figured we'd for Dur to wash in it, and then use it to drown your friends.

Bustin: After I've sung a so-ong! [To Harvey] A fan, I see! [Wrinkles his nose up at Austin] Ew! Weird!


Clint: [To Bustin.] Oh, I've always wanted to do this! [Goes to punch Bustin in the nose.]


Dur: [Crying in terror and then looks to Charlie] Oh! So the truth comes out!


Charlie: [To Pestilence, putting herself between him and the party] Drown my friends?! Whatever do you mean, darling?


Harvey: [To Clint] Excellent, Private Scar! [Goes to attack Bustin] We lost two whole divisions because of you!


Austin : [Holding clumps of hair] My hair, my beautiful hair. [Realises what Pestillence has said] What? Why on earth would you want to do that?


Sebastian: [To Pestilence] Excuse me? Drown us? But we are the compadres of your wife. It would greatly upset her and anger her if you were to harm us. You would break her heart. I doubt that even you are that...heartless?

;;; Morning guys. Early bird and all that hehe


Charlie: [Snaps at Sebastian] He isn't heartless! [To Pestilence] Darling, do stop this silly game at once. It isn't the least bit funny. Now, why have you come here? Are you sure it's safe to leave Will unattended?


Harvey: [Attacking Bustin] Three whole divisions!


Austin : [Ignoring Harvey. With a look of horror on his face, slowly draws back Maplin's sleeve] Please god noooo!


Alice: Yikes! Your arm is all hairy, Aus! Ew! Hm, my face feels weirdly tight. [Alice now has more zits than a stressed teenager]

[CLINT swings as BUSTIN, who lets out a burst of song just as he does.]

Bustin: Oooooooh, yeah! You know you love me I know you care, yeah!

[CLINT drops to his knees, clenching his head, as does HARVEY.]

Pestilence: [To Charlie] Oh, she'll be fine. She's in the bath and I filled it up nice and high. I couldn't find her toys, so I gave her the blowdryer to play with, and I found some pills that she can use as rattles. [Smiles] Don't worry, I left the dryer plugged in so she'll be fine. Right, which will I kill first?


Charlie: [Horrified] How can you be so careless! You know we aren't yet certain how much voltage Will is capable of withstanding, given her unusual biology! As for the group, to save our marriage you promised me that you would no longer kill! [Indignantly] Are you leaving me?!


Austin : [Sees Maplin all covered in hair] Nooo! [Vomits up a huge pile of anchovies and passes out]


Pestilence: Never -- but hey, I'm a demon. I kill people. It's what I do. Who's first? [Gleefully looks around the party]


Harvey: How can you people think of such things when [With emphatic disgust, pointing at Bustin] he's here? I should explain, what? We were having a good campaign, everyone was happy - well, apart from the poor buggers we were beating, of course - and then to improve morale, our commanders brought in some *entertainment*. Him [Points at Bustin again] . It was our single most catastrophic defeat.


Charlie: [Pulls her sword. To Pestilence, grimly] Sorry, darling. You'll have to kill ME first! [Attacks Pestilence]


Austin : [Comes too, wiping anchovy vomit from his mouth. Weakly propping himself up on one arm. To Pestilence] If you attack anyone of us we will all cast the protection from the Painbow spell on you! [To the party] Won't we!


Pestilence: [To Austin with a smile] Cool! It'll stop those pesky Care Bares from hurting me and will damage you lot!

[CHARLIE stabs PESTILENCE through the stomach.]

Pestilence: Is it weird that I'm getting an erection?

;;; I know I know... too far! Out for an hour


Sebsatian: By crickey I've got it! Charlie, that's not really Pestilence, Alice you haven't really got spots, it's all distractions. It's the Care Bare doing this. Think, the first one made us clumsy, the second made us want to eat anchovies, and not stop eating them. What if this one is bringing our fears to life? Charlie, what is the thing you fear most? Pestilence killing again right? Look at Alice, and Austin, their fears are not being beautiful probably right? Forget about Pestilence and choir boy there, kill the Bare!


Harvey: Crikey, he's right! [Thinks] Hmm, what about Bustin, is he real?


Gubbins: [Draws sword and looks around, wondering who to attack first] This is weird-wrong. Reminds me of a peyote trip a few years back. [Launches himself at Pestilence]


Sebastian: [To Harvey] Probably not but kill him anyway, he can't sing! [Battlecry to the Party] To the Bare! [Draws his sword and lunges for the Bare]

;;; That's me out for about 3 or 4 hours. Got company.


Charlie: [To Sebastian, uncertainly] Are you quite sure? It seems [discreetly peeks at Pestilence's crotch] extraordinarily accurate!

;;; Not too far enough!


Alice: [To Sebastian] What spots? I don't have any [checks her face in her compact] aieeeee!

Pestilence: [Does a finger gun point at Charlie] Click-click!

[GUBBINS sails through the air towards PESTILENCE, who easily catches him and throws him to the ground. Meanwhile, SEBASTIAN charges at GRUMPY and swings.]

Grumpy: [Calling to someone out of sight] Quick! Get the painbow! [Gubbins crashes into him and the two fall over, but no one is hurt]


Charlie: [Gasps] Hurry, we have to cast the spell! Gather around, and I'll try to cast it!


Dur: [Cowers behind Charlie, keeping her between him and the bath tub] Justkeep it away from me!=


[Everyone groups together near CHARLIE, as BUSTIN approaches.]

Bustin: [Singing] Me plus you, I'll tell you one time! Me plus you!

Alice: Make him stop!


Dur: Hey, Bustin! I can take care of that horrific little boy voice you got! The Doctor says, take two of these and call him in the morning! [Dur trie= s to find two nice sized stones to heave at Bustin's head]


ies to find two nice sized stones to heave at Bustin's head]

Charlie: [Tries to cast the spell on the party] Hold on, group! Hopefully, this will work perfectly, this time!


Austin : [Alarmed] That bare made Maplin Hairy! [Tries to shoot the Grumpy Bare] You will die for that!


Grumpy: Hey! What's the problem with being hairy? [Ducks as a bullet from Austin flies just over his head]

Alice: [To Charlie] Hang on, Charlie! Who are you casting it on? Remember, it only works for one person, and remember, you're already hurt!


Harvey: [Tries to bellow a horrific battle-cry. Ends up sounding like his trousers are too tight] That bare caused me to hear Bustin Bieber again - I only just got over the last time which was fourteen years ago! You will die for that! [Attacks the bare]


Charlie: Right, perhaps we'd better just run before the Painbow is unleashed, then?


Clint: I don't like this dimension very much!


Gubbins: [Sheathing sword and looking around for a suitable escape route] Aye, Grumpy Bare here said he was a distraction so let's just leave - now! [To Clint] Nor do I. And I will like it even less when my own demons come to the fore!


Austin : [Gets up ready to run] Running away! A sane plan at last!


[Enter NIGHTMARE BARE, yet another Care Bare.]

Nightmare: Hi everyone!

Alice: Quick! [Looks around the fairly barren and empty park for somewhere to shelter] Let's hide in that Wendy House!

;;; For you foreigners, a Wendy House is a playhouse, basically a small

;;; house for kids


Charlie: [Attacks Nightmare, enraged] You horrid little thing!


Clint: Although feeding Bustin through a wood chipper would be an even better idea! Quick, where can we find one?


Clint: [Assists Charlie in dismembering the little freak.] Let's get this over with, Chuck! Painbow incoming!


Nightmare: [Smiles] Bring it on! [Lifts his shirt, showing a painbow that is increasing alarmingly]

Alice: [Looking out the window of the house] For God's sake! Get in here now!


Austin : [From the door of the house tries to shoot Nightmare. To the party] Hurry!


Charlie: [Drops the attack and tries to duck into the playhouse] That little homewrecking horror! How dare he misrepresent my darling husband in such a cruel way?!


Clint: [Reluctantly follows Charlie.] Screw that! He made up a fake Bustin, which is just over the line!


Harvey: [Also follows Charlie] Probably better than the real Bustin, but still a court-martial offence!


Alice: [So squashed that some of her zits pop] Yikes! It's all very tight in here!

[NIGHTMARE fires the painbow, but the party is protected by the house.]

;;; No posting tomorrow!


Charlie: What a handy little house! Now, Alice, why don't you cast the spell on me, then I shall be less vulnerable to the Painbow. [Evil smile] And then I shall rip that little fluffy nightmare into tiny pieces and give those pieces to Dur to eat--and later, defecate!


Harvey: Are you sure that's punishment enough? After all, he did subject us all to Bustin Jieber, what?


Charlie: [To Harvey, eagerly] Oh, I am quite open to further more painful and more humiliating suggestions! But we must act quickly. Surely this little house is not entirely Painbow-proof!


Alice: Oh! We could make Dur take off all his clothes and then laugh at him while he's defecating -- that's really going to humiliate him! Here, give me the spell.


Harvey: And it would be painful for the bare! We could also put the bare's todger in a floury bap and shout dinnertime, eh?


Gubbins: [Wincing at the thought of that last] I wasn't looking too closely but these bares don't appear to have [air quotes] 'todgers'. No external genitalia at all.


Last from David=20

Dur: Then perhaps we can sew one on and then humiliate him?


Austin : Why don't we just kill him, then kill his friends?


Harvey: [Disapprovingly] Private Scar, we do not cut corners in my troop. We are always willing to go the extra mile and increase a victim's suffering when such suffering is warranted. I mean, how would it look if we let these Care Bares off lightly by just allowing them to die, eh?


Gubbins: All right! All right! We'll kill him first and then have tea and biscuits.

;;; I have been waiting for one of these to show up! ;)


Alice: [To Harvey] It certainly wouldn't teach them a lesson! [Peers out the window] Uh oh. I think the Bare might have some friends!


Austin : [Carefully checks Maplin once more, obviously expecting the hair to have been a hallucination, but sees the hair again] Nooooo! [Bursts into tears]


Alice: Get a grip, Austin! Stop crying about Maplin -- look outside, we're surrounded by Care Bares, and they look angry. They are about to torture and kill us. That's what you should be crying about!


Charlie: [Quickly hands Alice the spell] Here, cast it on me, quick!


Austin : [Wailing] Let them kill us! Beauty died today!


Alice: Sure thing, Charlie! [Starts to read] Wait, what's that first word?

Clint: [Looks at the spell] The.

[Eventually ALICE gets the spell cast. As soon as she does, she slumps into the corner, grabbing her head as she does.]

Alice: Ow!

;;; Alice loses 30hp


Charlie: [Prepares to rush out and face the Bares] Stay back, group! I'll bring you back a tasty treat momentarily, Dur!


Dur: They're grrrrreat!


Alice: Huh. Is it really such a good idea for her to go out there by herself?

[CHARLIE is completely engulfed by the Painbow, and is thrown face first against a window of the house. There are at least forty BAREs here.]

;;; Charlie lose 23hp

;;; HPs: http://www.queens-view.com/hp.php

;;; Out for an hour


Austin : [To Alice] No, she is stupid and she will die [Sobbing, but tries to shoot some Bares]


Gubbins: [Looking around the inside of the playhouse] How sturdy is this thing? Do you think we could lift it up and manoeuvre it from the inside? Sort of like the turtle formation of those imperial soldiers. [Starts heaving at a support]


Charlie: [Tries to fight her way back to the playhouse] Take that, you horrid things!


[CHARLIE is about to be engulfed by Bares when GUBBINS shoves at the support, causing the entire house to move up. It slips forward a little and crashes into the melee, knocking some Bares out of the way, so that CHARLIE is now outside the front door and that the party can move the house around.]


Harvey: Excellent work, Private Gubbins! Now, together, troop, what? Forward!


Sebastian: [Looking impressed] Well that's one way to protect ourselves [Darts to the door and makes a grab for Charlie to pull her back inside, hopefully without being in view of the Care Bare's Painbow]

;;; Sorry I wasn't around today, well yesterday, guys, had to

unexpectedly go out


[SEBASTIAN pulls the door open and CHARLIE falls backwards into the house, before he slams it again. Meanwhile, GRUMPY BARE appears at one of the windows and gives a terrifying roar.]

Alice: I know! [Closes the curtains] Heh! Let's see him get past these! [To the others] What'll we do? Keep heading towards the town? You know, it's a pity the orb didn't just make us appear right there in the first place, isn't it?


Charlie: [To Sebastian, out of breath] Thank you! [To Alice] Until we get past these creatures, I don't see how we can continue! This spell hasn't done us much good so far, I must say.


Alice: I don't know, Charlie -- all Gertrude said is that it would help us, I don't think she said it would stop it from harming us completely. Imagine how bad it would be if we didn't have the spell! Go on, imagine! Quick!


Harvey: Indeed, this house seems to be the better protection, what?

;;; I'm sure we don't look silly wearing a Wendy house.


Sebastian: You're welcome sweety. And that's true, she did say it wouldn't give full protection. I wonder why their Painbows can only work outside in the open? Remember the first Bare said he couldn't cast his inside the house we appeared in? [Opens a window, but keeping out of view, and shouts at the Bares] IN THE NAME OF THE MOTHER I COMMAND THEE TO STOP THIS ATTACK AT ONCE. YOU KNOW THE CONQEQUENCES THAT WILL FALL UPON THIS REALM IF OUR YELLOW TIES GET DAMAGED! [To the party, quietly] Think that will work?

;;; Wouldn't be Queens View if we didn't look silly haha


Alice: Let's see! [Opens the curtains to see that Grumpy Bare is mooning the party through the window] Nope, I think it just made him madder.

[The party can see that the Bares are building a fire, but they are distracted by a huge explosion from the direction of the town.]


Gubbins: Keep in time now. To the small village! Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut!

;;; No cheap jokes about it being a Wendy house and not a hut, please!


Charlie: [Startled] What was that?! [Tries to peek out the window]


Alice: Gubbins said he thought we were in a hut!

[It's difficult to see what's going on, but the Bares are in a state of panic, and are heading towards the town at speed.]

;;; Sorry David!!


Sebastian: Maybe we should follow them? Without the [Smirks] hut?

;;; Couldn't resist


Dur: [Worriedly] Perhaps we should try to make it there first group!? It could be a potential ally or weapon we can use against these fiends.


Charlie: I don't think we can make it there first, but I quite agree--anything that alarms the Bares is potentially good for us. Perhaps we should try to make it to the town as quickly as we can, but without drawing further attention.


Gubbins: [Sets down the Wendy House support] Right, without the Wendy House then. Okay, Clint and I will take point. Alice, you and Charlie stay in the middle. You too, Seb. Harvey, you and Austin bring up the rear. Alright - move out!


Charlie: [To Gubbins, dismissively] Do be serious. I am in charge here. [Claps her hands briskly] Now, Mr. Scar, you and Coleridge take the lead. Alice and I shall follow behind, then Mr. Creed and Dur shall follow next. [To Harvey] Colonel, you and Austin will follow us. [To the party expectantly] You have your orders! Chop chop!


Harvey: I give the orders around here, Private Gubbins! Leave the Wendy House, Clint, Gubbins take point. Sebastien, Alice and Charlie in the centre, and Austin and I at the rear. Alright, move out!


Austin : [Smirking at Gubbins and Charlie] Yes sir!


Charlie: [To Austin] Thank you, but you needn't call me "sir." Dr. Parker-Kensington is sufficient.


Gubbins: !


Austin : [Laughs hysterically at Charlie] I was not talking to you, silly! [Pauses to catch his breath] Honestly Charlie, you are such a wheeze! [Mimics Charlie in a posh girly voice] "Dr. Parker-Kensington is sufficient."


Sebastian: Yes, the Doctor is the saviour of the realms, and we are just the travelling companions of the Doctor. Next there will be a big blue box called a STARDIS appearing from thin air while making a flushing sound [Chuckles away to himself] .

;;; STARDIS is a stolen idea, not one of mine. I used to staff Dr Who

conventions, and one year a port-a-loo cabin was used a prop, but it

got called a STARDIS instead of a TARDIS. My nose was split open by

the door via transport to the correct room of the hotel haha


Alice: Wow, Aus! Your voice sounds super deep all of a sudden!

[Everyone gets out of the house, and can see that the Bares are running towards the town, which has a moderately sized mushroom cloud over it.]


Austin : [Suprised. To Alice] Does it? Why would it do that? [Thinks, then carefully checks Maplin again]

;;;; any change?


Charlie: [Watching the mushroom cloud] That can't be good! Hurry, group! Let's go investigate.


Austin : [Frowns] Dont you mean 'That can't be good, hurry, let's run away to saftey"?


Charlie: [To Austin, with a laugh] Do be serious! We aren't safe anywhere in this dimension! [Cheerily] Come along, group.


Harvey: Control your fear private! We don't shy away from danger, what? No, we chuckle in the face of our enemies and giggle in the face of death. Now, move out!


Gubbins: There are *degrees* of safety, though. A huge explosion in a town full of Care Bares like that is less safe than, say, those peaceful rolling hills in the opposite direction.


Charlie: If we wanted to enjoy peaceful rolling hills, then we should have stayed home. I, for one, had planned to enjoy a rousing game of charades with my family this evening, followed by an even more rousing game of-- [flushes] but never mind that! We have a mission, Coleridge! Must the Colonel force you to do sit-ups in the mud?!


Harvey: [To Charlie] So does that mean that for you, charging into an exploding town full of Car Bares *is* the safe option, Private?


Gubbins: I will do sit-ups in the mud if and when I want to, Charlie! Despite what you all seem to think, I am not a soldier in your tiny army. [Nods to Clint then steps out of the house and moves off towards the village]


;;; Should have mentioned, I'll be offline for an hour or two.


Charlie: I don't believe we are safe anywhere in this dimension, Colonel. If the group does not wish to approach the town, then we won't. [Looks at the others] What do the rest of you suggest?


;;; Your hard-working GM has asked me to pause the game

;;; until Monday. He's stuck in meetings and not able to

;;; post. See all of you on Monday! : )


;;; I know the feeling!


Austin : Why don't we compromise, and approach the town with caution, possibly taking the house with us for protection?


Clint: [Shrugs.] Suuure, but if they blow us up, will this little house really help?

;;; Mostly just saying hi. Hopefully Conor got my email Monday - was away on

;;; the job hunt. Am back now. Glory!


Alice: Maybe we could attach some balloons to it and float over the town?

[Miraculously, AUSTIN's hair and ALICE's skin are quickly turning back to normal.]

;;; Sorry about the short notice on Friday, folks!


Charlie: [Skeptically] Have you any balloons? And helium?


Alice: No, but I have a bunch of extra large condoms and you lot are full of hot air. [Lowers her voice] Extra large because Deuce is, well, huuuuuge.


Charlie: [Raises an eyebrow at Alice] You do recall that I have actually seen this organ, do you not? I would classify it as perfectly average in length and girth, based on my own understanding of male physiology. Though, of course, it isn't as if I've done extensive formal study into this area, and it probably isn't fair to compare his to Pest-- [catches herself and stops] Oh, Alice, really! Haven't we more important things to discuss just now?!

;;; Reliably lowering the tone of the conversation for over 7 years!


Austin : [Gasping in relief as his beautiful hair comes back, checks Maplin cautiously. Relieved] Ahh! We are saved!


Austin : Indeed this is. Do either of you have some Vitale Bassoon hair spray, I am in dire need.

;;; nothing that can't be fixed :)


Alice: [Shrugs] Hey, just because Ace couldn't get excited about you in the same way he does about me doesn't mean anything. What's important is that I have these huge balloon like condoms. [Holds up a few packs of condoms with "Sehr Klein" written on them] They're imported, you know.

;;; Reliably taking it too far for 17!!


Gubbins: In a world where fears and insecurities manifest themselves in vicious ways, I really don't think we should be talking about the relative sizes of male primary sexual characteristics!


Alice: Aw, poor Gubsy -- got a little lad, eh? Don't worry about it, not everyone can be a Deuce.


Harvey: Nonesense, Private! What could possibly go wrong?


Alice: [Starts passing out the condoms] Come on, everyone, let's blow them up. [Starts on one] Mm! Strawberry!


Sebastian: That we are all asked to get ours out so Charlie can compare us to Pestilence? [Grimaces] Anyway, I think you have more hot air in you Alice than the rest of us combined [grins] ten-fold [chuckles] . Why don't we just forget the house and run to the town? But go through the trees to stay out of sight instead of taking the path which the Bares are on?

;;; Sorry for the absence on Friday. Replys may be sparse over the

next week. Unexpected circumstances arose this morning.


;;; oh and happy birthday Conor :D


Alice: Sure, we could do that if you just want to get to the town, but if you want to float in there in style, Seb, if you want to be classy, then it's really hard to beat constructing an airship out of a children's playhouse and five hundred assorted ribbed and flavoured condoms.

;;; Thanks Drew!


Austin : [Considers Alice's proposition] She does have a point. However, I think I shall walk.

;;;; oooh ooh, HAPPY BIRTHDAY Mr Ryan :)


Harvey: Indeed, we could probably be there by the time we complete such a contraption. However, the value of confusing your enemy with a flying playhouse cannot be underestimated, what?

;;; Inexplicably, I now feel slightly less old :)


Charlie: To say nothing of the fact that simply inflating condoms will not make them buoyant!


Harvey: Perhaps. [Raises an eyebrow at Charlie] I defer to expert in matters concerning the construction of contraceptive devices.


Charlie: [Modestly] Thank you, Colonel. I believe it is important to approach all aspects of one's life with a true spirit of exploration and experimentation! Now, shall we simply walk?


Gubbins: Shanks' pony it is, then. [Starts off towards the town, keeping to whatever cover there is]


Alice: Wa-alk? Ugh!

[Exit ALL, heading towards the town.]

;;; End of scene, next one coming riiiight up!


Dur: However, the one downside of our new plan is that it relies on all of us being stealthy... No a trait we all share!=


[Book VIII, Act VI, Scene VIII. Outside the town. ALICE, AUSTIN, CHARLIE, CLINT, DUR, GUBBINS, HARVEY and SEBASTIAN are here, carefully making their way along. There has been an enormous explosion in the middle of the town, and the streets are littered with bits of felt and stuffing.]

Alice: What the hell has happened here?


Charlie: Maybe the Baring meter exploded? [Scans the area curiously]


Dur: Perhaps it was a YTG suicide bomber?


[Enter GRUMPY BARE, coming from the direction of the fire, leaving a trail of stuffing behind him.]

Grumpy: Help! Help! [Runs passed the party]

;;; Out for 1.5 hours!


Dur: So... The enemy of our enemy is our friend?


[Enter SVEN GORING, covered in blood and fluff, wielding a huge sword.]

Sven: [Calling after Grumpy] Hah! Keep running, friend! [Gives the party a big wink] Hey guys!

Alice: [To Dur] Huh. More like our friend is the enemy of the enemy!


Charlie: [To the party, in a low voice] How awkward! That man Pestilence [delicately] questioned suggested that Sven is a spy! I wonder what this means?!


Clint: Haw! Cut the little twerp in half, Sven! [Goes to do just that.] It's time for... round 2!


Harvey: By the Saints! Perhaps he's a double agent. Or even a [lowers his voice] triple agent?


Charlie: [In a hushed voice] Agreed, who knows what twists and turns we shall face! For now, we appear to be on the same side, but everyone be alert! [Wryly] I know it is hard to believe, but if there's one thing at which Pestilence excels, it is torture!


Dur: [Dryly] Really? THAT's what you think we find hard to believe?


Clint: You know eggheads, Doc. They don't think like normal people!


Harvey: Indeed. If you'd said that Pestilence enjoys ballet dancing wearing a pink tutu, perhaps we might find *that* hard to believe.


Charlie: No, no, no! I meant the bit about Sven's double-dealings is hard to believe. I know you are all well-acquainted with my husband's rather more notorious talents.


Alice: [Nods at Harvey's words] I know! What are the chances she'd find two guys like that? [Pause] Er, I mean, yeah, that would be really weird.

[CLINT chases after GRUMPY and knocks him down. Within a few moments, he and SVEN have him chopped into stuffing.]

Sven: Haw! I love the smell of Care Bare stuffing in the morning! [Looks at the party] What's with the ties?


Charlie: [Smiles at Sven] Oh, just a bit of fun--you know, team spirit, that sort of thing! We didn't expect to see you here, Sven!


Sebastian: I thought he did wear a pink tutu? [Grins at Charlie] As for Sven, if the plan was for us to come here, then why did Sven come here? [Looks at Sven suspiciously, which is unusual for Sebastian] Don't think he really is a spy for the YTG's and he's here on business for them do you? [Looks at the first in town and raises his voice for Sven to hear] Hey Sven! That fire your handy work?


Clint: It damn well better be! Whoever set it is doing Phili's work!


Austin : [Casually attending to Maplin] Perhaps it was simply someone who likes bombs? Or perhaps it was an accident. [Smiles lovingly at Maplin as he caresses some extra virgin olive oil into him]

;;; sorry for the low post rate, hectic here right now


Sven: Haw! It was us! The Knights! [Looks around the party] So, you're not spies for the YTGs?

Alice: Of course we are! For the Mother and all that!

;;; Out most of the morning!!


Charlie: Ye-es, that's who we are now! [Wags her tie at Sven. To the party] Right, group?


Harvey: Indeed, yellow is now our favourite colour, what?


Austin : [To Sven] No we are not spies. Do you really think that I would join a group that wore yellow ties [Grimaces at his yellow tie] This is a disguise. Of sorts.


Sven: Excellent! Well done guys! Come on, we've just destroyed the Baring Meter.

Alice: Hey! I'm confused! I thought we were supposed to be doing that?


Gubbins: Alice, I think we are all confused but I would hazard a guess that we were, in fact, sent here to act as decoys to allow the attack on the Baring Meter.


Austin : [Agreeing with Gubbins] You will get used to it eventually.


Alice: No way! That can't be true! [To Sven, indignantly] Tell them it's not true!

Sven: [With a sheepish grin] It's not true.


Austin : [Consoles Alice with a cuddle] It doesn't really matter, we are still heros, and they could not have done it without us. We had the most dangerous mission really. [Sighs] I think the Anti-Painbow spell may also have been a ruse.


Charlie: [To Sven, offended] How dare you use us in this way! I was very nearly killed!


Austin : [Rolls his eyes] As if you didn't know!


Gubbins: [Purses lips in a thoughtful and offended moue, folds his arms defensively and stands upright behind Charlie, waiting for Sven's response]


Clint: Hey, saving the world's a dangerous business, Chuck! The important thing is that you didn't get killed, right?


Sven: [Nods] Yeah, what he said. And you know, I think the Painbow spell did work -- if it didn't, you'd all be dead now. Except those struck by it, you'd wish you were dead.


Harvey: Well, the important thing is that we won, eh? [Thinks] Um, we did win, didn't we?


Clint: We beat the stuffing out of 'em!


Charlie: [Uncertainly] Well, I suppose we can all go home now, then? [To Sven] And what will you do next?


Dur: That was easy!


Harvey: [Gasps] Doctor, you are right! It was easy! [Eyes narrow] A little *too* easy...


Sven: Oh, I'll take care of the Baring Meter. You guys can go on home.


Gubbins: [Unconvinced] Hmm. Much as I would like to go home, we were tasked with destroying this Baring Meter. We should probably take a look to make sure it's out of commission.


Sven: [Laughs] Haw! I love it! A man bent on destruction!


Dur: I agree. I think you should take us with you Sven.


Sven: Of course, of course! [Takes out an orb] I know a great bar with some really, really sassy wenches!


Charlie: [Looks at the orb dubiously] Why do we need that to take us to the Baring Meter? Surely it is quite nearby?


Clint: Hmm... [Starts looking around suspiciously for another Bare.]


Sebastian: [To Sven] Hold on just one second [looks at him suspiciously] one moment you are saying you've just destroyed the Baring meter, now you are saying we can go home and take care of it? If it's already destroyed then what is there to take care of?

;;; Sorry for the late entry yet again


Sven: Haw! The suspicion! The questions! I love it! Are you guys battle hardened or what? I thought you wanted to go home -- that's what the orb is for. If you want to see the Baring Meter, well, [gives a big smile] if you can stand the sight of a hundred dead Bares, stained with their own tears, blood, sweat and, one case, semen, then come with me! [Turns to head towards where the fire is, but stops and looks back with a serious expression] Unfortunately, there's nothing left for us to kill, but maybe there'll be some loose masonry that'll add an element of danger!

;;; And there we must pause for a week! Next post on Thursday 16th!


Alice: [To the party] Do we really think Sven is lying to us? Come on! This is Sven!


Harvey: [Aghast] Sven, lying to us? By the saints, that's unthinkable! [Dramatically] Oh, the betraaayaaal! [Recovers] Oh well can't be helped I suppose. We should probably get down to executing him as a traitor and move on, what?


Austin : Exactly! I don't even care if he is lying, he is still a great guy! [Smiles and give Sven a hug] Let us go and peruse this Bareing meter. I would love to see it.


Charlie: Indeed, I should like to make a sketch of it for an upcoming article on Care Bares!


Sven: [Returns Austin's hug, almost squeezing the life out of him] Haw! That's what I like to hear. [To Charlie] A sketch would be great, but only if I'm posing in it showing off my best side!

[SVEN leads the party through some streets, with them carefully tiptoeing over dead Bares, until eventually they come to a huge pile of rubble that has all sorts of cogs and wheels in it, and face and hands somewhat reminiscent of a clock.]

Sven: Watcha think? Wanna give it a kick?


Charlie: [Cluelessly prods at the cogs with a stick, Dur style] Er, most interesting! Yes, I suppose this must be the Baring Meter, then! [Whips out a notepad and makes a quick, rough sketch of the pile]


Sven: Look guys, I owe you an apology, and I know you must be mad at me, but I'm sorry, okay? Can you forgive ol' Sven?


Harvey: Well, I suppose that depends - do you happen to have any honeyed golden locusts? I'm famished!


Gubbins: [Still suspicious] Forgive you for what?


Sven: For spoiling all your fun and destroying the Baring Meter before you got here, of course! [To Harvey] What kind of reckless and foolhardy adventurer would I be to venture out without them, Harv? [Stuffs his hand in his pocket and fishes out a fistful for Harvey]


Austin : [To Sven] Of course we forgive you! It was only a silly old Bareing meter after all.


Harvey: [Munching on some locusts] And he did bring supplies, what?


Sven: Haw! The best friends a man could have! Next time, my friends, you're the ones who get to do the wanton destruction!


Charlie: Yes, and do avoid using us as pawns in future, if you would!


Dur: I'd rather be pawns than fodder [looking around at the destruction] . At least we are making it our alive.=


Sven: Haw! That's the spirit! [Grabs Dur in a headlock and ruffles his hair] Okay, guys, I gotta go.

[SVEN throws his orb on the ground a shimmering surface appears, into which he jumps. Seconds later, it all disappears.]

Alice: Well! Job well done, I say!


Charlie: [Skeptically] I would say, job barely done at all! [Giggles] Barely!


Dur: Ummm... He wasn't our ride home was he?


Alice: Don't be rid, Dur. We have our own orb that he gave us back in our own dimension. [Gives Charlie a puzzled look] You know, for a minute there I thought you said Bearly, that would have been very funny, seeing as how they were [stagily] Bares and all. [Gives the party a huge grin, clearly expecting applause]


Sebastian: [Gives a sarcastic applause to Alice] Very good, very good [Smirks at Charlie] . So, are we heading back home now?


Alice: [Huge smile at Sebastian] Aw! Thanks Seb! That's really nice! [To Charlie] Okay, throw out the orb, unless you've managed to lose it!

;;; Alice has the orb!


Charlie: [Makes a big deal of checking her pockets. To Alice, in a stilted voice] Oh, dear. I did lose it. I do hope by some miracle you found it?


Clint: Typical egghead! So wrapped up in drawing pictures of random crap that they forget about our ride home!

;;; It's true, believe me!


Alice: It's lucky for you I did! [Throws it onto the ground] Wow, I can't believe how well that worked out. I think everything is going to be just super great from now on, there isn't even the teeny tiniest speck of a possibility of a cloud in the sky!

[The orb forms a shimmering surface just like SVEN's, and everyone leaps in.]

;;; End of Book VIII, Act VI, next one coming right up!