06.01.001

[Book VIII, Act VI, Scene I. Harvey's house. ALICE, AUSTIN, CHARLIE, CLINT, DUR, GUBBINS, HARVEY, SEBASTIAN and DEUCE are here. It is just a few minutes after the last scene.]

Alice: Deucie! You were just great! [Swoon]

Deuce: Uh, sure, thanks. [To the party] Joe means what he says -- I've also been given ten minutes to get out of town. He also fired me and gave me this crappy ring as a going away present [shows the party a ring that looks like it came free with a box of cereal]

06.01.002

Gubbins: Oo-o-oh ... kay. Well, I guess we're heading out. [Shoulders backpack and shrugs it into position]

06.01.003

Charlie: Perhaps now we should refocus our efforts on the baby stealing epidemic? [To Gubbins and Sebastian] There has been a spate of infant kidnappings in the last few weeks, all perpetrated by men wearing yellow ties. We believe that they are from a different dimension.

06.01.004

Austin : She means 'We' as in 'She'. [Stares distastefully in the direction that Joe left]

06.01.005

Charlie: [Surprised] Oh? I thought we had reached consensus on that. Remember how time in their house moved at a different rate? That's often indicative of dimensional shifts.

06.01.006

Austin : But that does not support your hypothesis that they are actually *from* that dimension. We have been to many dimensions, but we are from this one. The 'mother' character that they spoke of, and the house itself may also be from that dimension, but we cannot be sure.

06.01.007

Charlie: True, however, my hypothesis was that they were from a *different* dimension, not necessarily the one that the house was in. [Holds up her hand] As fascinating as this is, we must not dilly-dally. It would be most unfortunate to have to deal with Nunpar again.

06.01.007

Gubbins: [Makes for the door, making a wheeling motion with one hand] Good,good, but let's leave the multidimensional hypothesising for another time,= shall we? I see a number of HARMA officers with flaming torches and the clock is ticking.

06.01.008

[Everyone turns and looks at the clock, which looks like it is stopped on twelve o'clock.]

Alice: Damned clock! [Gives it a tap, and the minute hand rushes to just before two] Gasp! We only have eight minutes left!

06.01.009

Harvey: Well, then, let's be off, shall we?

06.01.010

Deuce: Let's go! [Tosses his ring in the trash]

[Everyone heads out, walking out through a multitude of torch wielding HARMA officers. Soon they are at the edge of the town where there are a couple of carriages parked.]

Deuce: These are the property of HARMA, and only to be used on official business. Let's steal a couple.

06.01.011

Gubbins: [Wistfully] Aw, this takes me right back to when I first met you guys. ... You know, yesterday.

06.01.012

Alice: Ah yes, I remember it like it was yesterday.

Charlie: It was TODAY!

06.01.013

Austin : [Hot wiring the carriages] Okay, let's go!

05.12.14

Sebastian: [Hangs at the back of the line while everyone leaves the house, trying to get a quick drink of the water from the bathtub before heading for the carriages] What have I gotten myself in to this time? [He says jovially]


;;; sorry for the late entry today guys

06.01.015

Alice: [As Sebastian knocks back his drink] So, where are we going?

Deuce: I don't know about you guys, but I'm heading south, there's been a very interesting archaeological discovery there.

Charlie: Oooh! Sounds fascinating! What is it?

Deuce: I don't know much yet, just that it's very, very old.

Charlie: [Sigh] Although I wish we could come, as, I'm sure, everyone here does, we should probably commence our search for the YTGs.


;;; YTG = Yellow Tie Guys, which somehow became how everyone refers

;;; to the men who were stealing the babies

06.01.016

Harvey: It might still be there after we have finished, Private. But right now, we have a job to do!

06.01.017

Sebastian: [Nods in agreement] I agree, not that I know anything about these guys in yellow ties or about missing babies, but I would say that is the priority here. Oogling a dig-site is free time stuff. Oh yeah, I did say yes to joining you guys didn't I? [Looks a little sheepish at his authorative statement to the group when he's just met them]


;;; Vanishing for a couple of hours guys, will try to get back as soon

as possible

06.01.018

Alice: What? Who asked you to join us??

Charlie: I believe that was you, Alice.

Alice: Oh, yeah. That was a really good idea!

06.01.017

Austin : Given the difference in time flows between our dimension and theirs, we should probably go and check it out, it may be highly pertinent and we have no other evidence to go on, do we?

06.01.018

Alice: Now when you say "their dimension", do you mean the dimension they inhabit? Or the one they're from?


;;; Sorry, I couldn't resist!

06.01.019

Harvey: Or perhaps the one they own but lease out?

06.01.020

Dur: Regardless, this relic that Deuce is inspecting may have some clues onwhere we should start looking.=

06.01.021

Austin : [To Alice] Must you be so pedantic?


;;; :)

06.01.022

Gubbins: South it is then. [Bangs on inside roof of carriage] HEAD SOUTH! [Pauses] Who is driving this thing anyway?

06.01.023

Alice: [To Austin] Well, I don't *have* to be!

[Everyone loads into the carriage.]

Alice: Hurrah! Let's go!

[Nothing happens.]

06.01.023

Austin : [Smiling at Gubbins] Why, Alice, of course, she is the best driver by far.

06.01.024

Alice: [Nods] He's right. Alice is just great at driving. [Bangs the top of the carriage] Come on! [Thinks for a moment] Hey! I'm Alice!

06.01.025

Austin : [To Gubbins] She's Alice [Points at Alice]

06.01.026

Alice: The best driver, in the-

[The carriage starts moving, with DEUCE driving.]

Alice: Hey!

Deuce: Sorry, Pixie Styx, I want us to get there in one piece.

Alice: Aw! Always looking out for me! [To the others] Isn't he great?

06.01.027

Austin : [Sighs in relief] He is simply smashing. [Lights up a cigarette in a ridiculously long holder]

06.01.028

Harvey: I say, Austin, be careful with that or you'll have someone's eye out!

06.01.029

Alice: [Nods] Everyone knows that smoking is dangerous!

[The carriage skids to a halt, and the party can hear DEUCE exclaiming loudly from above.]

Deuce: Holy crap!

06.01.030

Gubbins: [Smirking] Is that what they've been digging up? Yeah, that stuff *is* old.

06.01.031

Austin : What is the problem? [Looks out of the carriage window, blowing some smoke rings]

06.01.032

Clint: I don't know, but I bet it involves ham!

06.01.33

Sebastian: [Pokes his head out of the other window] Everything okay out there Duecie? Haven't just spotted a free food stall for Colonel "Drill Sergeant" by any chance have ?


;;; That's my last one for today guys

06.01.34

Harvey: Now, Private, it's entirely impossible for anyone to be a Colonel *and* a drill sergeant, what? Though, I do recall a time that a certain individual was both Commander-In-Chief of All Forces And Stuff, and through a slight paperwork snafu, also the Latrine Cleaner's assistant. He was not amused, as I recall.

06.01.035

Alice: Snafu? Or evil scheme by the Latrine Cleaners' Union?

Deuce: [Looks into the carriage] Guys! There's someone here you've got to meet!

06.01.036

Clint: Okay, but if he's a representative of the Latrine Cleaners' Union, we're not interested.

06.01.037

Deuce: Uh, well, he's their patron, but that's more of a symbolic role than a representative one.

06.01.038

Harvey: [Scowls] Hmph, I hope he's not here to ask about another paperwork snafu!

06.01.039

Gubbins: Right, okay, let's see who this is. [Makes to get out of the carriage]

06.01.040

[The party get out of the carriage, only to see PETER DEADPAN standing in the middle of the road, glaring at the them.]

Deuce: [Striding up the Peter with a big smile] Petey! How are you doin'?

Peter: [Curls his lip up in disgust] I have a headache in my eye from looking at your shirt.

Deuce: [Laughs] Haw! This guy is great!

06.01.041

Harvey: [To Peter] But I'm sure you're very busy making [Emphasis] someone else's life a misery, so don't let us keep you, you unpleasant stain on humanity.

06.01.042

Austin : [Obllivious to Harvey's comments. Blowing out a mouthful of smoke, jumps out of the carriage joyfully] Peter! How are you? You are looking sooo well, what have you been up to?

06.01.043

Peter: Standing here waiting for Harvey to say something clever. I guess I have longer to wait.

06.01.044

Harvey: Absolutely! You wait here, and we'll go somewhere else.


;;; Harvey's not exactly a Pete fan. I know, it was subtle. :)

06.01.045

Sebastian: [Out of the carriage his eyes go wide seeing Peter's clothes] I don't know if it's that shade of green, [Turns to Charlie] that bathtub water, or them mixed together, but I think I'm gona hurl.

06.01.045

Austin : [Cackles with laughter at Peter's comment] Ooh, you are a scream! [Continues laughing]

06.01.046

Deuce: [To Austin] Isn't he great?

Charlie: Ah, Mr. Deadpan! How thrilling! I've read about your exploits in the Watchers' Chronicles. What can we do for you?

Peter: You can start with letting [nods at Sebastian] him puke all over you. It'll improve the colour of your suit.

Charlie: Ah yes. The legendary Peter Deadpan ribbing. [Frowns] Yes, it is rather annoying.

06.01.047

Harvey: [Brightens at Charlie's words] Ah, at last! Someone else who believes as I do, what? That the best thing for all concerned would be to throw this useless excuse for a man [Indicates Pete] off a cliff, yes?

06.01.048

Charlie: It is tempting, Colonel, but he quite possibly has some piece of valuable information. I'm sure he'll soon tire of these unhelpful remarks and get to the point.

Alice: You clearly don't know much about him, Charlie!

Peter: [Folds his arms] You're needed to help save the Realms.

06.01.049

Gubbins: There we are. That was vague, but to the point.

06.01.050

Harvey: [Smugly] And, predictably, entirely useless.

06.01.050

Peter: Not you specifically, of course. A group of saps, suckers, if you will, are required. [Thinks for a moment] I guess you'll be a perfect addition.


;;; Out for about two hours

06.01.050

Harvey: And this would require us to spend time in your presence, eh? I guess it's a bad day for the Realms. [To the Party] Let's go get lunch, Troop!

06.01.051

Gubbins: [Shrugs] The line between sap and hero is a very fine one.


;;; Not sure you'll get any more from me today.

;;; I live and work in Central Scotland and a storm's a'comin'.

;;; I shall be heading home shortly.

06.01.052

Sebsatian: [To Peter] So what is it the Realms need saving from then? Other than HARMA that is.

06.01.052

Austin : [To Gubbins] More of a grey area than a fine line, perhaps?


;;; Oh noos! I live there too.....

06.01.053

Austin : [Casually] Demons for other dimensions, usually.


;;;; for those of you who don't live in Central Scotland :

http://www.xcweather.co.uk/ we are under the 79mph big red arrow of

wind

06.01.053

Harvey: [To Pete] Look, just get to the point and then you can go die in a ditch somewhere


;;; I'm in sunny Reading :)

06.01.054

Peter: [Sneers at Harvey] If this conversation has to go on any longer, I'll be happy to do so. The Realms is about to be invaded -- someone needs to conduct a secret mission into their headquarters to destroy them.

06.01.055

Austin : [To Peter, smugly] Sounds like a perfect mission for the Queens View party.


;;; just been told that I have to go home for safety reasons ... I'm

in a hospital already for heavens sakes!

;;; catch youz tomoorow if I am still alive.

06.01.056

Peter: If by that you mean a mission that even the Queens View party can't mess up, then yes, you're right.

06.01.057

Harvey: [Impatiently] I believe we are still waiting for you to get to the point, what? Who exactly is attacking the Realms this week?

06.01.058

Sebastian: [Picking up on Peter's insult to the group] I take it either he doesn't like you guys [Speaking to the group] or you have a habit of messing up when doing a job that involves protecting the Realms?

06.01.059

Dur: I thought we were already on a mission to save the realms?

06.01.060

Alice: [To Sebastian] It's a little from column A and a little from column B!

Peter: [Gives Harvey a disgusted look] We're about to be attacked by Care Bares.

06.01.060

Sebastian: [To Alice] Well it's comforting to know it's not competely B [Laughs nervously then listens to Peter] What's a Care Bear? [Looks totally confused]

06.01.061

Peter: I didn't say that they're Care Bears, I said they're Care Bares.

[Pause.]

Alice: So what's a Care Bare?

Peter: One of the most unrepentantingly evil creatures imaginable. They can sense your deepest worries and use them against you. The only defence against them is a completely blank mind.

06.01.062

Harvey: A completely blank mind, eh? I can see you're perfect for the job, Peter, what? Glad to hear you have it handled!

06.01.062

Sebastian: [Chuckles] That's Alice sorted then


;;; sorry couldn't resist :P

06.01.063

Clint: So how do we stop these freaks, then? Send 'em after HARMA? Give 'em one of Charlie's papers and watch them flee in terror?


;;; Let's hope that THIS time, my connection doesn't time out.

06.01.064

Sebasitian: From what was said earlier I'd imagine it would be the Care Bares giving the rest of you one of Charlie's papers. I, for one, though, am quite looking forward to a good read.

06.01.065

Harvey: We could make them talk to Peter, what? That's always a scary thought. [Thinks] Hmmm, I wonder if we can take them by surprise?

06.01.066

Clint: It's one of our chief weapons, Harv. That and our... [looks around at the party] incredible good luck?

06.01.067

Alice: Incredible good luck? Really? Look at that [points at Dur] and [points at Peter] that. Good luck or some sort of sick and twisted curse thrown at us by a vengeful and hateful god?

Peter: Given that the details of the plan bore me and you probably wouldn't understand them, I'm not going to tell you. However, Sven has infinitely more patience than I do for this sort of thing.

Alice: Hooray! We're going to meet Sven?

Peter: I didn't say that.


;;; Sven is, without question, the most popular NPC to ever appear in the

;;; game. Everyone but Sebastian and Gubbins have met him, and everyone

;;; gets on well with him.

06.01.068

Clint: Some sort of sick and twisted curse thrown at us by a vengeful and hateful god, and we *still* save the day. Sort of. Which is good luck, see?


;;; And we know exactly who that vengeful and hateful god is, don't we!

06.01.069

Sebastian: [Casually shrugs] As a physicist I don't much believe in luck. It's simply a given result from the merger of individuals skills and experiences from within the group. Can often be mistaken for good luck or fortune I suppose. Now curses on the other, sick and twisted, or otherwise... [Trails off without finishing the sentence]


;;; I know it's been mentioned somewhere, but,

;;; "I" don't know who this god is lol.

;;; Won't be around tomorrow morning at all,

;;; But should be around from about 1PM,

;;; or shortly afterwards, onwards

06.01.070

Clint: That's okay. Luck probably doesn't believe in physicists, either!


;;; I'll give you a hint. He lives in Limerick or some such place like

that. =)

06.01.071

Harvey: Indeed, conflict often comes down to the uncontrollable, unknowable factor - the weather, morale, the commander's palm being slightly clammy so he's unable to maintain a firm grasp on his swaggering stick...


;;; Unlike Drew, I'll be around in the morning but not the afternoon

(half day today)

06.01.072

Clint: [Appalled.] That will be quite enough of that kind of talk! Anyway, let's see if we can find Sven and get something useful done.

06.01.073

Charlie: [To Clint, curious] Something with his [finger quotes] swaggering stick?

06.01.074

Clint: Something to help us have totally blank minds so we never have to think about swaggering sticks again! [Pauses.] And also, stop the Care Bares.

06.01.074

Austin : [To Charlie, sighing] Stop trying to move the conversation on to whipping, canning and spanking, we have all heard quite enough of your demonic frolicking stories. We have a realm to save.

06.01.075

Harvey: Nonesense! Where would a fighting force be without their commander waving his swaggering stick defiantly at the enemy, eh? And now let's go save the world, what? Again.

06.01.076

Deuce: [To Austin] I don't know, Aus. I could hear a bit more about it! [To the party] So, uh, while you're saving the world, I might head down and take a look at the archaeological find.

06.01.077

Austin : [Crest fallen] Oh sorry Deuce, I didn't know you were an S and M geek too!

06.01.078

Alice: No he's not! [To Deuce] Tell him you're not!

Deuce: [Unconvincingly] I'm not.

Alice: [Turns back to Austin] See?

06.01.079

Charlie: [Briskly] Now, that's quite enough of that. To the Care Bares!

06.01.080

Austin : Could we take a quick look at the archeology first, we are nearly there after all, and there may be important clues.

06.01.081

Deuce: Sorry, Aus, it's another few days south of here.

06.01.082

Austin : [Sighs dissapointedly. To Harvey] That's pretty close.

06.01.083

Harvey: We must focus on the mission Private Sleaze, and not whatever sleazy things you wish to do with your privates. I mean, it's a few days away - who knows how long it would take to get there, what?


;;; Sorry, couldn't resist!

06.01.084

Austin : [Shocked and stunned] Colonel, I ..., I beg your pardon but, I have no intention of doing anything sleazy with my privates or anyone elses. [To Peter] Good to see you again. [Goes back into the carriage sukling]

06.01.085

Gubbins: He did when he was a cat! Anyway, where do we find this Sven person?

06.01.085

Deuce: Uh, sorry Aus, I'll be needing that carriage!

06.01.086

Peter: Hiding under a rock in the clearing behind us.

06.01.087

Charlie: How splendid! What a time-saver.


;;; Heh heh! Funny, David! Poor Austin!

06.01.088

Austin : [Sulking gets out of the carriage. Sighs]

06.01.089

Deuce: Wow, Aus, I never took you for such an archaeology geek! Right guys, good luck and be safe.

Alice: [Hugs Deuce] Goodbye, my love. Your are my sun and stars, my beginning and end, the Lagney to my Casey, the Harski to my Tutch!

Deuce: Er, great. I think you're neat too.

[DEUCE gets in the carriage and drives off.]

Alice: [Overcome with emotion at Deuce's beautiful words] I promised myself I wouldn't cry!

06.01.090

Harvey: [Comforting Alice] There, there, my dear.


;;; Hometime for me. :) Have a good weekend

06.01.091

Alice: Well, it's Deuce that I really feel sorry for. He'll fall apart without me.

[Exit ALL, following PETER.]


;;; End of scene

06.01.091

Austin : [Watching Deuce leave] All ham and charm. [Sighs] Well, it looks as if we are all walking again.

06.02.001

[Book VIII, Act VI, Scene II. The Clearing. ALICE, AUSTIN, CHARLIE, CLINT, DUR, GUBBINS, HARVEY, SEBASTIAN and PETER are here, walking through the forest. They soon come to a clearing, where SVEN is sitting, roasting a pig over a huge fire, and with a huge crate of beer.]

Sven: [Leaps up when he sees the party] Haw! Here they are, at last!

06.02.002

Gubbins: [Takes in the fire and the hog roast] Aha! This is more my kind ofthing - the outdoors life. You must be Sven; we've not met. [Offers hand a= nd a smile]

06.02.003

Sven: [Grabs Gubbins' hand and gives it a vigorous shake] Ah, Gubbins, right? The man with the plan!

06.02.004

Sebastian: [After Sven and Gubbins have shook hands] Hi there Sven [Offers his hand] We haven't met either, in fact, I've only just met the rest of the guys myself


;;; That's me here for the rest of the day now guys. Took me a bit

longer to get sorted today than I thought it would.

06.02.005

Austin : Hey Sven! [Gives Sven a big hug] Good to see you!

06.02.006

Charlie: [Smiles] Mr. Goring, it is wonderful to see you again! [Enticingly] I've brought the notes for my latest paper, if you'd like a little sneak peak?

06.02.007

Sven: [Returning Austin's hug] Mm! That is one *fine* suit you have, Austin! [Shakes Sebastian's hand and gives him a big smile] Then run, my friend, run like the wind to escape these reprobates! If you can't do that, then at least drink lots of beer. [Gives Charlie a scolding look] Little sneak peak? Oh no, my friend, I want to see all of it!


;;; Out for about 1.5 - 2 hours!

06.02.008

Charlie: [Excited] I think you'll find the work ever so thrilling!

06.02.009

Sebastian: I think I'll take the beer [Smiles sheepishly] Running isn't exactly my forte. [To Charlie] I forgot to ask, what exactly is your paper about? [Has forgotten already they are here to save the Realms from the Care Bares]


;;; Yay for the lack of attention span of scientists when it doesn't

involve science lol

06.02.010

Charlie: [Delighted] I'm developing a new system for classifying demons. It's a woefully underdeveloped area of research, and quite a departure from my previous work in cryptozoology. [Modestly, to Sebastian] I devised a revolutionary system for classifying new cryptozoological finds that changed the field forever.

06.02.011

Sebsatian: Cryptozoology? [Frowning] Not exactly a scientific field is it? I thought you were an actual doctor of biology, not a chaser of the unproven [Waits a few moments then smirks] I'm just teasing Charlie. Despite my own background, I do hold an interest for the mythical as well as the proven [Casts a sly glance to the others and says in a lowered voice] despite my earlier statement on my belief of the existence of luck.

06.02.012

Sven: Luck? Of course luck exists! See how lucky I am to be surrounded by my buds? [To Alice] How're you doing, Shooter?

Alice: Great! [Shows him the ring that Deuce threw away earlier] Look, Deucie and I are engaged?

Sven: Excellent!

06.02.013

Sebastian: [Chuckling slightly while talking to Sven] Luck is simply a random set of mathematical equations to determine the outcome of an event, usually a rather complex and complicated and seemingly otherwise impossible task. For those that can't or don't want to understand these equations, they just call it luck instead, or fate, or chance, or some other similarly descriptive word that shows ones ignorance to the facts and mechanics of life and existence. Though one could still argue it was rather bad luck HARMA managed to figure out how to outlaw the use of magic in the world. [Grumbles under his breath]


;;; Probably won't get a chance to make any more posts today so see

you all on Monday.

06.02.014

Sven: Haw! Another geek, I love it!


;;; Travelling this week, so no posting until next Monday!

06.02.015

Austin : [Takes a beer] A genuine, bona fide geek. He even does dancing on one spot. Whatever that is. [Drinks some beer] Sounds a little odd, but we don't judge people on their nuances. [Glances at Charlie] Which is just as well.

06.02.016

Harvey: Indeed, we judge people based on arbitrary factors such as the phases of the moon, magnetic leylines and precise analysis of the bogeys found in Clint's nose. It's much more reliable, what?

06.02.017

Austin : [Suprised] I thought we judged people on their actions? [Shrugs, and sips some more beer]

06.02.018

Clint: Ha! Why would we do that?


;;; Who says we need Conor anyway? =)

06.02.018


;;; Oops :)

06.02.018


;;; One should respect the rules laid down by the mighty GM, for in

this world he is the creator, the almighty, the...oh bugger it, who am

I kidding? You're right, we don't need Conor :P

06.02.018


;;; Speak for yourselves! : )

On Mon, Dec 12, 2011 at 2:12 PM, Marc-Andrew Hunnam Nicholas

06.02.018


;;; Yeah! Kiss ass!

06.02.018


;;; Of course I am a kiss ass, I'm the new guy, I have to suck up to Conor lol

06.02.018


;;; I think we can all learn a lot from Drew!


;;;out most of the day

I'll be travelling over xmas, from the Wednesday 21st December (next Wednesday) to Friday 6th January, so I'll be out. (I'll be in Monday and Tuesday, though it'll be hectic here so I may be a bit sporadic)

Conor, not sure if you're planning to run the game over that period or if you're shutting it down for xmas - if the game is running, please just NPC Harvey.

Thanks

John

I am in the same boat, more or less, largely afk from next Wednesday until Monday, 9 January.

Thanks David

On Thu, 15 Dec 2011 10:07:40 -0000, John Ludlow <john.ludlow.uk@gmail.com> wrote:

-- Using Opera's revolutionary email client: http://www.opera.com/mail/

06.02.019

Sven: Why indeed, Stinky! Anyway, I guess Petey has told you the plan?

06.02.020

Clint: Haw! C'mon, Sven, you know Peter...

06.02.021

Gubbins: Apparently, *I* am the man with the plan. [Shrugs]

06.02.022

Austin : [To Gubbins] You had better join the queue.

06.02.023

Clint: Why don't we start with Sven's plan and go from there?

06.02.024

Austin : [To Clint] An excellent suggestion, Mr Scar. Perhaps someone more intelligent can make it? [Casually checks his nails waiting for the others to reply]

06.02.025

Harvey: Perhaps we should all write down a plan on a piece of paper and put them all into a hat and randomly pick one out?

06.02.026

Charlie: [Claps her hands in delight] What a splendid idea, Colonel! [Eagerly] Ooooh, or we could play charades! What fun!

06.02.027

Sven: [Claps his hands excitedly] Great idea! [Holds one hand out flat, palm facing up, and makes a writing motion on it]

Alice: Fillum! Person! Animal!

Sven: [With a big smile] Nope!

06.02.028

Charlie: [Excited beyond all reason] Book! A Monograph of the Testudinata?! Magnes Sive de Arte Magnetica Opus Tripartitum?? Illustrations of the Family of Psittacidae? How many syllables?!!

06.02.029

Sven: Haw! You guys are useless at this! Even worse than me! This is the symbol for a plan! It has two hundred and forty six words.

06.02.030

Harvey: Hmmm, this could take some time. Perhaps we should secure some supplies while we generate our plan, what?

06.02.031

Charlie: Focus, Colonel, focus! [To Sven, excited] How many syllables does the first word have?!

06.02.032

Austin : Let's just try Sven's plan. That would save alot of time and money. It would probably save lives too.

06.02.033

Sven: Well said, Aus! That's the kind of reckless enthusiasm that I like to see. We don't have time for discussing plans, we need to act, and act swiftly! Now, quickly, we have a lot of beer to drink!

06.02.034

Harvey: [To Charlie] I am perfectly focused, thank you very much, [Heavy emphasis] Private. Now, what were we talking about?

06.02.035

Dur: I think we were talking about our next meal...

06.02.036

Sven: [Helping himself to a huge turkey leg] And then about how you lot will be going to Bare-A-Lot.

06.02.037

Charlie: What do you think is the best approach, Sven?

06.02.038

Sven: I'm thinking full frontal assault on Bare-A-Lot with a view to destroying the Baring Meter. Without that, the Care Bares will be lost, and then the Knights can swoop in and kill them all before they attack our dimension.

06.02.039

Austin : [To Sven] The Baring Meter? Is that what the Care Bares refer to as 'Mother', or is that something else?

06.02.040

Gubbins: [Holds up hands] Hang on, hang on - what?! Sorry but I am new around here, so is Sebastian, and we are going to have dial this back a bit and define some terms. Who exactly are the Care Bares, where is this Bare-a-lot - I am assuming it is a place - who are the Knights, and what is the Baring Meter?

06.02.041

Charlie: The Knights are the Hierophantic Knights, who try to move along the Path by doing heroic deeds. [To Gubbins] The Path is a spiritual journey of sorts. As for all thing related to the Care Bares, we've only just heard of them ourselves, but they appear to be creatures that lay [finger quotes] bare your greatest cares and worries in a kind of psychological warfare. [To Sven] What on earth is a Baring Meter?

06.02.042

Harvey: Some sort of guage for the Care Bares' behaviour, perhaps?

06.02.042

Sven: [Shrugs] I don't know, some sort of sacred relic to the Care Bares. All I can tell you is that without it, they will be easier to defeat. [To Gubbins] Haw! An enquiring mind, I love it! Don't worry, friend, these guys know almost as little as you do.

Alice: Hey!

Sven: [Good naturedly] Okay, okay, *as* little as you!

Alice: Thanks Sven!

06.02.043

Sven: That would be my guess, Harv. What happens when it hits the maximum? I don't know, but I'm pretty sure it wouldn't be pretty. [To Austin] I don't think this is related to the Mother, Aus. No one seems to know who she is, just that there are a bunch of weirdoes collecting babies for her.

06.02.043

Austin : [Dryly] Equanimity wins every time, et merda taurorum animas conturbit.


;;; latin translation - ' and bullshit baffels brains'

06.02.044

Gubbins: The dudes with the yellow ties, right?

06.02.045

Austin : Good question! Are the Yellow ties the Care Bares. one and the same?

06.02.045

Charlie: [Nods at Gubbins] Quite right! As you can see, our enemies are varied and numerous!


;;; Out for an hour or so!

06.02.046

Sven: Alas no! Poor old Clementine made the world so inviting that the other dimensions are queuing up to harm us!


;;; Gone for the day!

06.02.047

Austin : [Looks sad. Theatrically] De gustibus non est disputandum. [Takes a sip of beer, and nibbles on some roast boar]


;;; There is no accounting for tastes.

06.02.048

Dur: So now we have TWO rogue dimensions moving in on our territory?

06.02.049

Harvey: Gah! Attacked on both sides, troop! [Thinks] So the Care Bares and Yellow Tie Guys are completely separate groups? Could we somehow set them against each other?

06.02.050

Sven: [Laughs good naturedly at Dur] Oh no! No, we don't have two rogue dimensions. It's more like two hundred. [To Harvey] I like the way you're thinking, Harv, but any battle they'll fight will be in our dimension -- they don't want each others'.

06.02.051

Clint: They're not dumb enough that we can get them to fight in some other dimension and tell them it's ours, are they?

06.02.052

Sven: What do you think they are? Humans? [Laughs]

06.02.053

Charlie: Well, that IS a shame, but if there are enough competiting hordes, surely they will begin to fight one another. That is the way of hordes, after all. Of course, it will likely destroy OUR demension, being a playground for all that war. [To Sven] Is there anything we can do to [uneasily] re-right the balance, to prevent this from happening?

06.02.054

Austin : [Getting a little tipsy after four sips of beer] We have to balance out the good that Clementine did [Hiccups and looks suprised. Sips some more beer] By being naughty.

06.02.055

more beer] By being naughty.

Dur: You mean like this? [Dips his finger in Austin's beer and gives it a taste.]

06.02.056

Gubbins: [Watches Dur and his finger] ... Wait - is that the same finger you tested the [finger quotes] 'chocolate' with?!

06.02.057

Austin : [Disgarding his tainted beer] Spoiling a perfectly good beer is hardly an act of evil, Mr Ti-Rag [Helps himself to a fresh beer] Murder, and other heinous acts, for example the production, possesion or wearing of flip-flops, are evil.

06.02.058

Sven: [Grabs Dur's hand and sucks his finger, before turning to Gubbins] Well, whatever he tested with it, it sure wasn't chocolate.

Alice: [To Austin] Huh, that's kind of what Joe Nunpar said, isn't it? That the world needs his particular brand of evil?

06.02.059

Dur: Are we even sure that fixing the balance will remedy the current dilemma? Or do we need to punch each dimension in the nuts so they know not to m= ess with us? I assume nut-punching is another skill of Master Scar...

06.02.060

Harvey: Indeed, it's doubtful. After all, wasn't the purpose of the evil to toughen up the population? The Care Bares and YTGs should already be having that effect, though probably too slowly to be useful. In any case, I believe that introducing more evil might mean the people aren't able to defend themselves because they're all dead - I've always found that dead people are less able to defend their dimension than live people, what?

06.02.061

Charlie: [To Harvey] Quite so, Colonel! And we may not know how to restore the balance, but we can continue to fight the YTGs and the Care Bares. So, let us start with that and hope we may find some way to stop these invasions going forward!

06.02.062

Sebastian: [Listens intently the whole time everyone is talking, all the while stuffing his face with food and sipping beer] Nut-punching? Sounds like a job for a dwarf. [Ponders for a moment] Couldn't we take out the Care Bares Baring-meter, but make it look like the YTG's did it? Make it look like they were trying to take out the competition?


;;; Sorry I wasn't around yesterday. Manicly heavy day lol

06.02.063

Austin : Hmmm, A cunning plan that is not wirhout merit. [Considers the idea] All we would need are suits and yellow ties.

06.02.063

Sven: [To Harvey] You're right, Harv. One way to redress the balance is to be attacked by other dimensions. The trick will be to survive the attacks. Now, if only we had a reckless and foolhardy band of adventurers to help us!

Alice: [Tries to click her fingers after Sebastian's words, but fails] Gah! I mean, that's a really good idea, Seb. Now, if only there was some way we could disguise ourselves as YTGs.

06.02.064

Charlie: [Excited] I know! I know! We could all wear yellow ties and tell them everything we do, we do for The Mother! That would fool them.

06.02.064

Alice: Oh, I guess it's easier than I had thought. But really, where are we going to get suits and ties out here in the middle of nowhere? At this time of day? On a Sunday? In March?

Sven: Haw! Good questions, Shooter, but we're actually quite close to Apraxia, and it's only 3PM, on a Thursday, and it's February.

06.02.065

Harvey: Excellent, our plan is set!

06.02.065

Gubbins: Well I, for one, don't know how to tie a tie. Never worn one. And not too keen on tying something around my neck. [Runs finger around neck to loosen collar]

06.02.066

Charlie: Splendid! I know precisely where to go for wonderful suits in a Apraxia, and they will surely be able to supply us with yellow ties, as well!


;;; Apraxia is near Charlie's family home. Just

;;; an FYI for the newbies!

06.02.066


;;; About to disappear! I have a meeting which might last until the

end of the day, and then I'm off till January. :)

06.02.067

Sven: Excellent! Now, one of the Care Bares' most potent weapon is the Painbow. There are rumours of a protection spell against it, but it causes physical damage to anyone it is cast on, so it can only be used sparingly. The Watchers had a copy, but it was destroyed in the Great Knights Fire of 1252.

Alice: The Great Knights Fire?

Sven: [Sheepishly] Yeah, well, it was originally known as the Hierophantic Knights Philimas Party of 1252. [Brightens up] But what a Philimas party! Man, after that, Peter was never allowed attend another one -- but, you guys know as well as anyone what a wild and crazy party animal he is.

06.02.066


;;; Aw! Bye, John! Have a good holiday!

06.02.066


;;; Thanks - Merry XMas everyone! :)

06.02.068

Sebastian: Erm...I don't even know who Peter is nevermind what of party animal he is


;;; Merry Christmas John

06.02.069

Austin : Your memory seems to be rather short and ineffective, perhaps you should use the note pad and pen method, just as Charlie does, to remember information that your ageing mind would otherwise loose.


;;; Merry Xmas John!

06.02.070

Sven: Sure you know him, Seb! You just met him!

06.02.071

Charlie: He was that horrid, sarcastic little man we just met [shudders] . Well, then, shall we go to Apraxia? Perhaps we have just a bit of time to go visit my family. [To Gubbins and Sebastian] You would just adore our precious daughter, Will. Oh, and it's probably best that Pestilence meet you personally, just in case!

06.02.072

Sven: Don't worry guys, he hardly ever kills people now!

06.02.073

Sebastian: Oh him! [Nods realising who they are talking about] Sorry, I found him that annoying I didn't bother commiting his name to memory [Smirks a little]


;;; Just remembered I'm not going to be around at all tomorrow.

Taking a friend (disabled) to do the last of her Christmas present

shopping

06.02.073

Charlie: [To Sven, beaming proudly] Isn't it wonderful?! [To the party, delighted] Now, let us go suit-shopping! [Claps happily] Oh, how I have longed to raise the dress code of the group!

06.02.074

Alice: I hope we're going to start with YOU, Charlie!

[Exit ALL, leaving SVEN behind.]

06.02.074

Clint: Suit shopping? [Shudders.] I hate this plan!

06.03.001

[Book VIII, Act VI, Scene III. Shoots You Suit Shop. ALICE, AUSTIN, CHARLIE, CLINT, DUR, GUBBINS, HARVEY and SEBASTIAN are here, having just arrived. This is a very fancy looking suit shop. Unfortunately, most of the party have little if any money.]

Alice: Soooo. How are we going to get our hands on these suits?

06.03.002

Charlie: Oh. That IS a bit of a wrinkle, isn't it? I don't suppose we have enough for the neckties, at least? Perhaps several of us could distract the store clerk by asking loads of questions about yellow ties, and we could get [nods unsubtly at Austin] others to utilize their strongest skills, if you take my meaning?

06.03.003

Sebastian: We could always ask them if they do credit accounts, let us pay for the suits in instalments or something? [Shrugs, wondering just how much money he has saved up at the moment] Either that or threaten them with Pestilence if they don't just hand the suits over [Can't help but smirk]

06.03.004

Alice: Not a bad idea, Seb. He is a scary monster, after all. [To Charlie] No offence!

06.03.005

Charlie: Do be serious! This is our hometown, and we are trying to build a family here. He cannot go around threatening innocent townsfolk. That is precisely what I'm trying to break him of, not encourage! [Firmly] I think my plan was better.

06.03.006

Sebastian: I didn't say we actually set him on them Charlie, just make them think we are going to [Smiles reassuringly] They have no way of knowing we would only be bluffing

06.03.007

Clint: Phili only knows I hate to agree with Charlie, but... I say we let the lawyer sue them out of some suits. If we have to do this at all!

06.03.008

Charlie: [Smiles at Clint] Thank you, Mr. Scar! [To Sebastian] I'm sorry, but we cannot use Pestilence in this way. Though he has been working on the side of good for some time now, it is very difficult to overcome 200,000 years of [delicately] bad behavior. We simply cannot risk further damage to his reputation, not after all of the progress he's made.

06.03.009

Alice: Well, Aus? What do you think? Suing them will probably take a bit longer than we have, but if anyone knows how to get suits, it's you!

06.03.010

Austin : [To Alice] Absolutley. I suggest that you all try on suits and choose several favourites, and don't forget to choose suitable ties, shoes, shirts, socks, waistcoats and perhaps a hat or two and some scarfs. I'll see what I can do whilst you keep them busy.

06.03.011

Charlie: [Giddily] Oh, how thrilling! [Goes for a tie rack and calls out to a sales clerk] Hello, there! I have ever so many questions about these ties. Could you assist me?

06.03.012

[The party enter the shop, where a clerk, KENNETH KENNINGTON, eagerly greets them.]

Kenneth: Ooh! Yes, madam, I certainly could. Would you like a tie, madam? Perchance to bind someone to a bed and abuse them? To make them cry out in a sensual mix of pain and passion?


;;; Heather is out for a while

Charlie: Er, not exactly.

06.03.013

Sebastian: [Looks at the man in quizically] My good man, is that any way to speak to your clientele? Especially when said clientele is a lady whom you have only just met?

06.03.013

Gubbins: Wait, what?! That's ties, is it? Sounds like I have been missing out. [Winks at Charlie]

06.03.014

Charlie: [Unimpressed, to Gubbins] If you've been using ties, then you certainly have.

Kenneth: Just because I've only just met her doesn't mean that I haven't been watching her, observing her, if you will. Imagine sir, [puts his arm around Sebastian] and let me take you on a journey, sir, a journey into the depths of depravity and sin so vile, so irredeemably [with relish] dirrrrty, that Seth himself would shake at the thought! Imagine some high powered binoculars, a well positioned tree and some tissues. Take that journey, sir, take it! Take it like you'd take a well proportioned virgin bride that you've bent over an altar rail!

Alice: [To the party, whispering] Let's just beat him up and still his suits.

06.03.015

Gubbins: [To Alice] Okay but I get the impression that beating him and tying him up will just be playing into his hands.

06.03.015

Sebastian: [Thinking quickly he deems this an ideal distraction] Ah yes, good old [whispers loudly] voyeurism. [Winks to the party] So have you observed the tying of any good knots for such an [pauses for effect] activity?

06.03.016

Alice: Maybe, but at least then we won't have to deal with him!

06.03.017

Kenneth: Oh, yes, sir! I'm a fan of the reef knot, of course, sir, but really, in my experience, you can't beat the bowline, especially for suspension.

Alice: [To the party] Let's get us some suits! [Grabs eight hats and puts them all on]

06.03.017

Gubbins: [Pretending to spot someone through the window] Phwooarr! Eh?! [Nudging Kennington conspiratorially] She's a bit of ... You would, wouldn't you? [Then tries to bash Kennington over the back of the head with a handy shoe-stretcher]

06.03.018

Kenneth: [Cranes his neck to see what Gubbins is talking about] Where? Where? I almost certainly would, but I'd like to see her!

[Smack. GUBBINS hits KENNETH with an almighty blow on the back of the head.]

Kenneth: [Apparently not noticing it] Sorry, sir, I don't see her. [Falls down unconscious]

06.03.019

Dur: [Looks to Austin] Is that how suit shopping usually goes?

06.03.020

Harvey: [Helping himself to a bunch of yellow ties] Given my experience at after Philimas sales, I was expecting much more violence!

06.03.021

Sebastian: [Looks at Kenneth fall to the floor] Well not quite what I'd had in mind for me distracting him, but certainly was more efficient. [Nods approvingly] Right then, I believe someone called for suits? [Starts looking at the racks] So what colour suits do the YTG's wear then? Black? Blue? Gray? [Shudders at the next one] Yellow?

06.03.022

Charlie: Actually, I don't believe that there is any one colour -- although, I must admit, I find brown rather fetching. Of course, I own several perfectly adequate brown suits, so I only need a tie.

Alice: And what colour ties do the yellow tie guys wear?

Harvey: That would be yellow, dearest niece.

06.03.023

Gubbins: [Picking out a serviceable brown suit and shrugging into the jacket] Never owned a suit before. Say, Charlie, would you be a dear and tie me a tie?

06.03.024

Charlie: [Delighted] Why, certainly! [Looks at Gubbins and assesses him] I think a cheery canary yellow will suit you perfectly. [Whips a tie off a rack and starts tying it on Gubbins]

06.03.025

Sebastian: [To Charlie] I take it by that there is no particular shade of yellow the YTG's use for their ties? [Ponders] I guess I shouldn't have assumed they would all be uniform. [Proceeds to pick out a brown suit for himself, not yet picking a tie] What about shoes? What kind of shoes do they wear?

06.03.026

Alice: Ah, anything at all will do. You know, how are we supposed to get to this other dimension?

06.03.026

Gubbins: Wait, what?! You're not getting me out of these boots! Been just about everywhere in these boots.

06.03.027

Alice: [Holding her nose] Including a sewer, I think!

[Enter PETER DEADPAN, coming from a changing room, wearing a brand new pink suit, complete with pink shirt, tie, sock and shoes. He looks at the party with disgust.]

Peter: [Sarcastically] I see I'm now shopping where all the cool people go.

06.03.028

Sebastian: Well you know what they say: Pink, it's the colour of passion. [Grimaces at Peter's suit] Well if any shade and any footwear will do, I'll take this one. [Picks up mikado yellow tie]


;;; sorry couldn't resist the Aerosmith quote lol

06.03.029

Gubbins: [To party] How can he dress all in pink and look at *us* in disgust?!


;;; That's me for the holidays, guys. Finishing work early today and not

due

back in until 9 January. Everyone have a merry Christmas and a happy New

Year!

06.03.030

Peter: It comes naturally to me.


;;; Dom must be gone too?

Austin: Peter! [Looks him up and down] What a sharp suit! Can you tell us how we get to Bare-A-Lot?

Peter: [With disgust] Yes. You need a magical flying carpet.

Alice: And that Painbow spell thing, too. Who has that?

Peter: I'm sure some Watcher stole it for their personal collection. Probably to help build a fort or something.

06.03.031

Charlie: [Tying a yellow tie around her own neck] Hmm, perhaps Grandmother would know something about it?

06.03.032

Peter: Then perhaps we should go to her fort?

06.03.033

Charlie: Well, she hasn't a fort, exactly. [Muses] Though Pestilence is in the process of rebuilding Bodenringham Manor with quite a number of fort-like reinforcements, now that you mention it. [To the party] How marvelous! Let us go visit Grandmother at once!

06.03.034

[Exit ALL, climbing into the party's carriage. Almost immediately, KENNETH wakes up and looks around.]

Kenneth: Hm. I still don't see her. Is she a looker? Eh? Eh? [Looks around the shop] Hey! Where are all the hats and yellow ties gone?


;;; End of scene, next one coming right up

06.03.034

Austin : [Emerging from a changing room with many bags, wearing a silk and baby panda hair suit in emeral green by Lix-Hander Mcquirk, swan skin tango shoes by Trendi and a silk shirt to match by Hambasttista Balli. Sees the tailor unconcious on the ground] Oh, is everyone else ready to go then? [Grabs a handful of the appropriatte shade of YTG ties and makes for the door] It does not do to dilly-dally when engaging in this form of shopping [Gestures to the unconcious tailor]


;;; sorry for being out all day, offsite 1 hr meet turned in to 3.5 hrs :(

;;; off for Xmas now! Yippieeeee!

;;; Have a great Xmas everyone!

06.04.001

Content-Type: text/plain; charset=ISO-8859-1 Content-Transfer-Encoding: quoted-printable

[Book VIII,Act VI, Scene IV. Boderingham Manor. ALICE, AUSTIN, CHARLIE, CLINT, DUR, GUBBINS, HARVEY, SEBASTIAN and PETER are here, having just arrived. The door is wide open, and there is a smear of blood on it. The party quickly enter, and follow a trail of blood stains to an interior door which is ajar. Everyone draws weapons and CLINT pushes the door open quietly.]

Alice: [Whispering] Oh, God, what has happened now?

[Inside the door is WILHELMINA (Charlie's daughter) doing some finger painting with what appears to be a real finger and quite a lot of blood. She is wearing a blood splattered apron with "Daddy's Little Angel" embroidered on it. Also here is PESTILENCE, who looks to be horribly torturing another man, TIM VICTOR, who is hanging from chains that are attached to the ceiling. PESTILENCE is covered in blood and looks up at the party with a manic grin.]

Pestilence: Hey! Momma's home!

Wilhelmina: [Holds up a picture, clearly drawn in blood] Look what I did!

[The picture depicts what appears to be three stick figures, clearly meant to be VICTOR, PESTILENCE and WILHELMINA.]

<IMG SRC=http://queens-view.com/Resources/wilhelmina-pic.png>


;;; Happy Christmas everyone!

--bcaec555544ce7101704b49d5fff

06.04.002

Charlie: [Forces a smile at Will] Lovely, dear! [Moves close to Pestilence and hisses] How can you possibly think this is an appropriate father-daughter activity?!

06.04.003

Pestilence: What? She's wearing an apron!


;;; Welcome back folks. If you haven't already sent me your cares from last

;;; weeks mail, please do so tomorrow

06.04.004

Clint: Yeah! All ready for the kitchen and everything!

06.04.005

Harvey: [Perks up] Kitchen? Is she making lunch? Marvellous!

06.04.006

Charlie: [To Will, cheerily] Precious, do run upstairs and clean up. We'll be up in just a minute. [To Pestilence, in a furious whisper] You should be shielding her from violence, not exposing her to it!


;;; Welcome back, everyone!

06.04.007

Wilhelmina: Yes Momma! [Heads upstairs]

Pestilence: Of course I'm shielding her, she's got the apron on!

Tim: Please! Help me!

Alice: [Looking like she's about to throw up] Oh my God!


;;; Quick reminder: We're still on US time, so posting will

;;; mainly be in the afternoon for those in GMT

06.04.008

Gubbins: [Eyes wide at the scene within and standing close by the door] Um, right, well ... I mean, I have field-dressed sovereign elks and wild bores and stuff but ... well, I am not too happy about this, in short. [Checks way of exit is still clear]

06.04.009

Clint: This looks like something between Charlie and her husband! I'll just be waiting outside...

06.04.010

Dur: [Stomach growling] Errr... Exactly what is going on with this clearly tortured individual Pestilence?

06.04.011

Clint: Looks like a little father-daughter bonding?

06.04.012

Dur: [Shudders] That is... Terrifying.

06.04.013

Pestilence: He's giving up information about a threat to you guys.

06.04.014

Charlie: [Clearly relieved] Of course he is! [To the party] Pestilence wouldn't be doing this without having quite a good, extraordinarily justifiable reason! [To Pestilence] What have you learned, darling?

06.04.015

Dur: I don't doubt that Pestilence had his reasons... Just doubts that his reasons always have to be 'justifiable' by any of our own definitions of th= e word!

06.04.016

Clint: [Through an obviously fake smile.] Maybe, but I say we don't antagonize him!

06.04.017


;;; Dom is away this week

Austin: [Sneering] This is exactly what I said would happen, [moves so that Clint, Alice and Harvey are between him and Pestilence] he is uncontrollable. What possible information would justify this?

Pestilence: [Smugly] There's a spy in the Hierophantic Knights. [Looks at Peter] Isn't that so?

Peter: [Shocked] How did you know? [Composes himself] Of course there is. It is so rife with double agents that any non-spy would immediately be ousted.

06.04.018

Charlie: [To Peter] Don't be absurd! [To Austin, with a sniff] He is in perfect control of the situation. Clearly this man is quite reluctant to give up the information he knows. [To Pestilence, hopefully] You are trying to learn something more, aren't you? Such as the name of the spy?

06.04.019

Pestilence: Uh, sure. [To Victor] What's the name of the spy?

Victor: Sven!

06.04.020

Clint: Haw! Now try telling the truth! Don't make me get the kid down here!

06.04.021

Charlie: See! He's clearly terribly difficult to break. [To Pestilence] This man is lying to you, even still! Sven is quite trustworthy and above reproach. [Modestly] After all, he is an enormous fan of my work!

06.04.022

Sebastian: [Watches on trying to grasp what is happening exactly then turns to Dur] Oh come on Dur, everyone has the capability of change. And like he said, he's doing it to protect us after all.


;;; Sorry I'm late guys, I almost forgot about this resuming today

06.04.022

Dur: Who is he spying for?

06.04.022

Pestilence: If you want, I can cut off a few more pieces, but I don't think he's lying.

Victor: Please! No more! I swear by The Mother, it's Sven!

06.04.023

Sebastian: The Mother? Isn't that who the YTG's worship? Or have I got my wires crossed?

06.04.024

Charlie: [To Pestilence, quickly] NO! Don't cut off any more pieces! [To Sebastian] Yes, you are quite right. [To Victor] Who, or what, is The Mother?

06.04.024

Gubbins: [Nodding] Uh-huh. That's what I understand. I don't really know this Sven guy too well but he seemed pleasant enough. Are we sure about this? Because ... [pauses] spying isn't nice.

06.04.025

Alice: Yes, the YTGs do worship her!

Victor: She is the one who will breathe life into our dimension and destroy yours! Her children will cut a swathe of death into your world that will bring new meaning to the word soap!

06.04.026

Charlie: [Baffled] Soap?! [To Pestilence, tentatively] You have done any damage to his brain, have you?

06.04.027

Pestilence: [Waves a hand vaguely] Maybe a little bit. I don't think we'll get any more out of him now.

06.04.028

Gubbins: [Looks around ruefully at the blood-spattered room] Er, I think we have got quite a lot out of him already!

06.04.028

Charlie: [Smiles at Pestilence] Thank you, darling. This information is quite useful, indeed! [Looks at Victor and sighs] Though we WILL need to have a clarifying chat about the boundaries of torture, as a matter of urgency! [Takes a deep breath and continues] Now, you are going to take care of him, right? [Insistently] And you do remember your promise never to kill, of course? The solemn promise that saved our marriage?

06.04.029

Harvey: Hmm, well perhaps we should inform Sven of this man's accusations, what?

06.04.030

Clint: Maybe there's more than one Hierophantic Knight named Sven?

06.04.031

Pestilence: [To Charlie] Sure! [Holds his hands up] Nah, don't worry, I promise. I won't kill him.

Peter: [To Clint] All Hierophantic Knights are named Sven.

06.04.032

Dur: Well, that makes things dificult!

06.04.033

Alice: Actually, it probably makes them easier, as you always know someone's name. [Points at Peter] I think we found the spy!

06.04.033

Charlie: [To Peter] Oh, they are NOT! [To Pestilence, all smiles] That's wonderful, darling. Now if you could just try a bit harder to keep Will from--er, horrifically bloody scenes, for example. She's young and impressionable, after all. You don't want her thinking this [nods at Victor] is the done thing, do you? She really should be enjoying her childhood in a carefree way. You know, reading, studying with flash cards, playing memory games and so on.

06.04.034

Harvey: Perhaps you could come to a compromise, what? Maybe some form of association game using body parts?

06.04.035

Pestilence: [Nodding at Harvey words, speaking earnestly] She can already spell spleen!

06.04.036

Charlie: [Beams] How splendid! She is at the perfect age to learn human anatomy. [Gently] Just not using live bodies [adds quickly] or cadavers! Grandmother has some absolutely marvelous textbooks that would be just the thing. [Frowns] Where IS Grandmother, by the way?

06.04.037

Pestilence: Oh, okay. Gertie is upstairs in the library, I think.

06.04.038

Charlie: We were hoping to get some information from her, and then we really must be going. There is ever so much going on at the moment! I wish we could stay longer. . . . [Sighs dreamily and wraps her arms around Pestilence, oblivious to the blood and disgusting bits]

06.04.039

[PESTILENCE returns the kiss, causing all sorts of disgusting squishy noises as he does.]

Alice: [To the others] I never thought I'd say this, but let's go to the library!

06.04.040

Charlie: [Reluctantly lets go of Pestilence] We'll come back as soon as we can, darling. Please take care of everyone, and do be careful yourself! [Excited beyond reason] To the library!

06.04.041

Clint: Oh god, why?! [Hangs his head.]

06.04.042

Sebastian: [Nods excitedly] Oh goody! I love a good read

06.04.043

Harvey: Hmph! Well, a library isn't exactly the sort of place for persons of our stature, but needs must, eh, Troop?

06.04.044

Alice: [Turns and looks at Sebastian with an expression that's a peculiar mix of disgust, horror and pity] Don't encourage, her, Seb! Before you know it, she'll be giving you books for your birthday, [dramatically] and they have hardly any pop ups in them!

[The party and PETER head upstairs, lead by CHARLIE, and come to a large door, that she lets them in through. This is clearly the library and, sitting in a large armchair is GERTRUDE PARKER-KENSINGTON, who all but GUBBINS and SEBASTIAN have met in the past. She looks up as the party enter.]

Gertrude: [Lights up] Ah! Charlie and friends! [Lights up even more] Peter!

06.04.045

Charlie: [Smiles at Gertrude] Hello, Grandmother! I see we needn't introduce you to Mr. Deadpan?

06.04.046

=20

Dur: I'm not sure that is such a good thing... Ol' Petey sure gets around!

06.04.047

Alice: True, but... how? Why? What could she possibly like about him?

[GERTRUDE grabs PETER and kisses him passionately, letting him go with a pop.]

Gertrude: Wow, Peter!

Peter: [Disapprovingly] Who are you?

Gertrude: [To the party] What can I do for you?

06.04.048

Harvey: Perhaps you could seek help?

06.04.048

Sebastian: I can only assume that Gertrude and Peter are lovers, and that this Peter here is an imposter as he has no idea who she is. Therefore Peter is the spy! Haha!


;;; Heading out for a couple of hours guys. Not entirely sure I'll be

back online later today either.

06.04.050

Charlie: [Horrified] Grandmother, really! Ivan was one thing, but Peter?!

06.04.049

Gertrude: No need, Harvey, I'm already over him. It took a while, but once you've been Peterfied, you're never quite the same. [To Sebastian] Hm, some sexual tension between you and Peter, eh?

06.04.050

Dur: [Eyeing Sebastian] As the group doctor, I am sure I can perscribe something for that...=

06.04.051

Gertrude: [To Charlie] Oh, don't be so stiff -- he was almost your grandfather! Isn't that right Peter?

Peter: Nothing was proven.

Alice: [To Sebastian] Don't accept it -- it'll almost certainly involve you taking off all your clothes and being poked by a sharp stick. [To Dur] How does that help with a headache, anyway?

06.04.052

=20

Dur: Damnit Alice! I'm a Doctor not a Scientist! Now take off your clothes and tell me where you hid my pointy stick!


;;; Couldn't resist

06.04.053

Alice: I didn't hide it, YOU hid it!

Austin: [Sighs] How is this getting us to the Care Bares? [To Peter] See what I have to put up with?

Peter: They're almost as annoying as you are.

Austin: [Chortles] Oh, Peter!

06.04.054

Harvey: [To Peter] Thank the saints for that! I thought the situation might be really bad and they'd be as annoying as you, eh?

06.04.055

Gertrude: Oh, Harvey, really? Do you have to be such an old grump?

06.04.055

Charlie: [Stifles a laugh] Quite so, Colonel! [To Gertrude] Grandmother, you wouldn't happen to anything about Care Bares, would you?

06.04.056

Gertrude: [Sharp intake of breath] Oh. They are extremely dangerous, and their damage is so insidious that it can tear otherwise tight groups apart. Don't tell me that someone is going to their dimension? I mean, who would be so stu... [looks around] Oh. I see.


;;; Out for an hour

06.04.057

Charlie: [Clears her throat awkwardly] Ye-es. Anyway, you don't, by chance, have some means of combatting a Painbow, do you?

06.04.058

Harvey: Getting Pete here to stand in the way and block any shots? [Narrows his eyes] And I'll have you know I am not old, I am *experienced*.

06.04.059

Pete: Yes. In adult diapers and Alzheimers.

Gertrude: As a matter of fact I do, but it will only help reduce the strength of it, not completely eliminate it.


;;; Stuck in a meeting that's going on and on!

06.04.060

Charlie: [To Gertrude] Well, that would be most useful, but do you know of any way to eliminate it?

06.04.061

Dur: Something is better than nothing...


;;; That's what SHE said!

06.04.062

Gertrude: The only guaranteed way to avoid it is to not go to their dimension!

06.04.063

Charlie: [Cheerily] Well, what doesn't kill us, only makes us stronger, right? Besides, it can't be worse than childbirth, surely!

06.04.064

Alice: Pshaw! Childbirth is nothing! I don't even remember it!

06.04.065

Clint: Well, you wouldn't, would you?


;;; Sorry, all. I have had a vaguely hellish day.

06.04.066

Alice: Oh, and you do, I suppose?

06.04.067

Clint: Does passing a kidney stone count?

06.04.068

Harvey: Yes, well... [To Gertrude] You said you knew of a way to reduce the effects of the Care Bares' weapons?

06.04.069

Alice: [To Clint] Depends on how fast it was running.

Gertrude: Indeed I do. After the Great Knights Fire of 1252 [gives Peter a mock scolding look] I rescued a protection spell. It's a general protection spell that can be used many times, even by non-magic users. However, [very serious, looking around the party] although it will protect you from the Painbow, it will cause physical damage to whoever causes it. It is a very dangerous spell.

06.04.070

Charlie: [Reassuringly] Not to worry, Grandmother. We are well used to danger!

06.04.071

Harvey: Indeed! After all, consider our doctor!

06.04.072

Dur: Very thoughtful of you Colonel, but now is hardly the time for your senile jokes! So we have to cause damage to ourselves to protect ourselves fr= om the Painbow? It hardly seems worth it...

06.04.073

Clint: That depends on how bad the Painbow is!

06.04.074

Gertrude: Don't underestimate the power of the Painbow! It causes unimaginable pain, that goes on and on. Once hit with it, you will suffer for ever if not protected. Isn't that right, Peter?

Peter: It is like being massaged by bunnies.

06.04.075

Dur: So you're speaking from experience?

06.04.076

Charlie: [Shudders] Oh, it isn't nice at all! They have horrid little claws.

06.04.077

Gertrude: Peter is the only person I know of to have survived a full on blast of the Painbow.

Austin: [Genuinely amazed] It makes his sparkling personality all the more incredible! [Wipes a tear from his eye]

06.04.078

Dur: Have you got something in your eye, Austin? Shall I take a look? [Brandishes his "Doctor Bag of Horrors"] =

06.04.079

Charlie: [Looks at Peter skeptically] Oh? Can you give us any advice for enduring the Painbow?

06.04.080

Clint: Spend a couple of months preparing yourself by getting bunny massages first?

06.04.081

Austin: [Warily looks at the sharp stick in Dur's hand] Keep away from me!

Peter: [With some disgust] I find a perky, can do attitude and a friendly smile goes a long way.

06.04.082

Harvey: [To Peter] Perhaps you should adopt such an attitude, then?

06.04.083

Peter: I will, as soon as I find someone I want to be friends with.

06.04.084

Charlie: [Looks at Peter and sighs wearily. To Gertrude] Perhaps you should give us the spell, and we can be on our way?

06.04.085

Clint: After all, you and Peter have some catching up to do... and by that I mean [shudders and can't bring himself to finish the sentence]

06.04.083

Sebastian: [To Gertrude] Is the physical damage only caused to the one who casts the protection spell, or the ones who are being protected too? And is the damage lessened if cast by a magic user?


;;; Sorry I'm late guys

06.04.086

Gertrude: Good question. The physical damage is cast only to the one who casts the spell, and it can only be cast on one other person, and no, being a magic user doesn't lessen its damage. [Reaches over and pinches Peter's ass]

Peter: [For once, caught off guard] Hey!

Gertrude: [Not clear if she's joking or not] Click-click!

06.04.087

Harvey: [To the party] Um, perhaps we should go before this gets any further?

06.04.088

Sebastian: [To Harvey] I agree. [To Gertrude] Well physical damage is better than no protection at all. All we have to do now is figure out which of us will be casting it since one person can protect themselves and one other.

06.04.089

Clint: Obviously, it should be the toughest of us who casts the spell. So, not the doctor or the lawyer!

06.04.089

Gertrude: [Fishing out a scroll box from a bookshelf] Here we go. Remember, anyone can cast it, any number of times, but it only lasts for a finite time. You'll know when it is about to wear out. However, if you cast it twice in quick succession, it will really knock you down.

06.04.090

Austin: [Straightening a cuff] Obviously not the lawyer. Too valuable.

06.04.091

Harvey: [To Austin] Hmm? It can be used an infinite number times, Private, so there's no chance of the spell running out, valuable though it is.

06.04.092

Austin: There is if it is used too quickly by a small number of people. Such as is our group.

06.04.093

Charlie: [Watches Gertrude and Peter, horrified] Let us go to the Care Bare dimension, at once! It can't be worse than this!

06.04.094

Peter: [Hands over an orb] This will get you back. Possibly. [Throws another orb on the ground] That will take you there. Possibly.

[Exit the party, after CHARLIE says a quick goodbye to PESTILENCE and WILHELMINA. Soon, it is just PETER and GERTRUDE.]

Peter: [Curling his lip up in disgust at the party] I hope they don't get killed. [Turns to Gertrude, with a friendly look] So, Gertie, you're looking great! How about a coffee?

Gertrude: Sorry, Petey, I've got a date with Ivan.

Peter: [Disappointed] What a gyp!


;;; End of scene, next one coming up on Tuesday next week.

;;; We'll be back to GMT then. If you haven't sent me your Cares

;;; yet, please do so right away!

06.05.001

[Book VIII, Act VI, Scene V. A Dining Room. ALICE, AUSTIN, CHARLIE, CLINT, DUR, HARVEY, SEBASTIAN and GUBBINS are here. The table is laid with what appear to be normal, adult sized cups and saucers, although they look like they belong from a kid's tea set. The rest of the room is covered from floor to ceiling shelving, most of which is populated with expensive and fragile looking pottery.]

Alice: Well, it doesn't seem too scary so far. [Looks behind the others and screams] Oh my God!

06.05.002

Harvey: Never fear, my dear! I shall protect you! [Gingerly turns around]

06.05.003

[Everyone turns to look, and see what appears to be a huge plate of snakes on a sideboard. Fortunately, they are clearly fake ones.]

06.05.003

Austin : [Sighs] Do we really want to know?

06.05.004

Austin : [Picks up a fake snake and puts it in his pocket] I wonder who lives here?

06.05.005

[As AUSTIN does the fake snake take, somehow the entire plate of them falls over, sending them flying in all directions. Most of them are very springy, and the bounce around the room, knocking down vases and hitting various party members in the eye.]

Alice: Ow! Careful!


;;; Out for an hour

06.05.006

Harvey: [Gazing at the devastation] Private, you're going to need a *lot* of superglue.

06.05.007

Austin : [Nonchlantly whistling] Perhaps some sort of clown may live here.

06.05.008

Alice: Clint lives here? Cool! I bet all sorts of hilarious hijinks will ensue!

[ALICE's chair immediately breaks and she falls on the ground.]

Alice: Hey! That wasn't funny at all!

06.05.009

Charlie: Indeed! Your clumsiness is shocking. And as a GUEST in someone's home! Now, let me show you how a lady conducts herself. [Attempts to sit in a chair and take up a cup and saucer]

06.05.010

[CHARLIE picks up the cup, but the saucer sticks to it, as does a soggy beermat to a glass, only to fall off as she tries to drink, causing her to spill cold tea all down her front.]

Alice: Very ladylike!

06.05.011

Harvey: [Drily] Indeed, Private Parker-Kensington. You are an example to us all.

06.05.012

Charlie: [Puts the cup down and unhappily dabs at her her tea-soaked blouse.] Yes. Perhaps we should find another room?


;;; Are there other doors?

06.05.013

[There are two doors leading out of this room, one of which seems to be a main door leading outside. Suddenly, HARVEY slips on a previously unnoticed banana skin and crashes onto the table, covering SEBASTIAN and GUBBINS in crockery and sandwiches.]

06.05.014

Harvey: [Picking himself off the floor] As I was saying, Private Parker-Kensington, an example to us all. Perhaps we should check outside?

06.05.015

Alice: I guess, but either we're suddenly really unlucky or we're suddenly very awkward. And that's bad, as I normally have the grace of a ballerina. [Suddenly notices that her elbow has been dipped in some disgusting looking yellow liquid, even though there doesn't appear to be any in this room] Ew!

06.05.016

Dur: I shudder to imagine the possibilities if this dimension really is making us clumsier than normal!


;;; Hey, are we still doing that 2012 thing?

06.05.017

Charlie: [Peers at Alice's elbow] What on earth is that?! [Sniffs at the yellow liquid]

06.05.018

Austin : [Looks at Alice's elbow] Is it not always like that?

06.05.019

Sebastian: [Brushed himself down after being covered and takes a wonder over to Alice] Interesting. Do you remember your elbow feeling wet at any point?


;;; Sorry for the late arrival, been busy all day

06.05.020

Alice: Nope! [Holds it up] Take a taste!

06.05.021

Dur: [Takes a taste without hesitation] Has a little ZING to it!

06.05.022

Alice: Ew! Now it's all wet!


;;; Out for another hour!

06.05.022

Charlie: [Wrinkles her nose at Dur] Do be careful! That could be poisonous, or perhaps [lowers her voice and continues delicately] bodily fluid containing any number of sexually transmitted diseases. [To Alice] No offense!

06.05.023

Clint: Hey, it's the doc we're talking about! He has to be immune to diseases and poisons and stuff like that - look at his diet!

06.05.024

Alice: None taken -- especially as I probably picked it up in your house, Charlie!

06.05.025

Harvey: The lesson being to not pick anything up in Private Parker-Kensington's house. Anyway, perhaps we should do what we came here to do so we can, ahem, *leave*?

06.05.026

Clint: Anything to get us out of here as fast as we can!

06.05.027

Sebastian: I agree. Sooner we do what we need to do sooner we can leave. I think we're just stalling because of the side effects of the protection spell [grimaces slightly at picturing the side effects]

06.05.028

Alice: Speaking of which, who's going to cast the spell? And on who? Maybe we might be lucky and no one will know we're here?

06.05.029

Clint: I'll do it. Just tell me who to cast it on.

06.05.030

Sebastian: Actually I'll do it. I believe I am probably the most familiar with spells and using them out of us all.

06.05.031

Dur: I take offense to that good sir! Obviously, I am an able doctor and healer and have just as much experience!=

06.05.032

Harvey: Well, I suppose one option is that we stand here all day, arguing over who casts the spell, what? Does it really matter who casts it if magical skill is irrelevant?


;;; Hometime

06.05.033

Alice: Harvey's right -- we should spend a lot of time discussing it!

06.05.034

Austin : Indeed, but must we have the discussion right now?

06.05.035

Alice: Good point, Aus, it really would be most inconvenient to do it now.

06.05.036

Charlie: [To Harvey, tsking] Really, Colonel! You surprise me. Most inefficient. We really should act now and discuss later! [Strides toward the door that seems to be the main door]

06.05.036

Harvey: Excellent! We should schedule a meeting for, say, a week next Thursday?

06.05.037

Gubbins: Come ON! We've a bunch of Airs to kill off!

06.05.038

Harvey: Er, right... Um, I say, why are we killing heirs again?

06.05.038

Gubbins: They're not heirs, they're airs.

Alice: You just said that they were heirs, Harvey's the one who said they're airs!

06.05.039

Charlie: Now, let's not split [with huge, stagey emphasis] hairs! [Laughs hysterically]

06.05.040

Gubbins: You think that's funny? I can assure you that I do not! This is not the time for frivolity and foolishness. It is the time for making plans. Excruciatingly detailed and needless complicated plans! Now, who's with me?

[The light falls from the ceiling and smacks GUBBINS on the head, knocking him unconscious.]

Alice: Ouch! That was unlucky. [Thinks] Or maybe it was really lucky?


;;; David is out for a few days

06.05.041

Charlie: [Looks at Gubbins worriedly] Oh, dear! He cannot face the Care Bares like this. Quickly, let's hid him under the table and come back for him later.

06.05.042

Harvey: [Disapprovingly] Tsk, lying down on the job.

06.05.043

Dur: [Shaking his head at the unconscious Gubbins] If we come back for him at all!=

06.05.044

Alice: Wow, it must feel great to be able to look down on someone, Dur!

06.05.045

Dur: Yes, but not as great as being able to look up someone's skirt... Errr, what are we talking about again?=

06.05.046

Alice: True, especially on a windy day. [Suddenly realizes where she is] I mean, hey! What kind of pervert are you? I never looked up your skirt!

06.05.047

Dur: Don't try to deny it NOW! Say... Weren't we supposed to be doing something important?


;;; that is three for me I think. Lets hope the welfare of the group never hangs in the balance between these two!=

06.05.048

Harvey: [Looks up sharply] I say! Are we here to kill the heirs for getting up Alice's skirt on a windy day?!? [Reaches for his sword] The blaggards!


;;; Sorry, couldn't resist!

06.05.049

Alice: Uh, that's right -- they were looking up mine! [Looks guilty] Er, so anyway, this Baring Meter that we're supposed to find. Should we cast the spell first? Or should we wait until we find it?


;;; Out for an hour!

06.05.050

Charlie: Wait until we find it, I should think. The spell might not last very long. [To the group] Wouldn't you agree?

06.05.051

Alice: Sounds good to me!


;;; Okay, really gone now!

06.05.052

Austin : Excellent. Now some one strong and servile should drag Mr Gubbins along with us. [Gaze falls on Clint] Ah, Mr Scar, would you be so kind? [Gestures to Gubbins]


;;; sorry, busy busy day.

06.05.052

Clint: Right! To the Baring Meter! [Heads to the main door and raises a foot to kick it down, for the style points.]

06.05.053

[CLINT takes a kick at the door and misses, somehow kicking SEBASTIAN instead, knocking him back against a shelf of vases, all of which fall and break.]

Sebastian: Ow! Hey, careful, friend!

06.05.053

Content-Type: text/plain; charset=us-ascii

--Apple-Mail-E7038F99-D957-47C2-A9B3-F206E4436F7B Content-Transfer-Encoding: 7bit

06.05.054

Dur: Something weird is going on in this room! [Tries to cast detect magic]

06.05.054

Clint: [Shrugs.] Whoops? [Reaches to open the door and suddenly things better of it, turning to Dur.] You go first.

06.05.055

Charlie: Do be serious! As your leader, I shall go first! [Tries to open the door]

06.05.056

Clint: [Watches expectantly for the joy buzzer effect.]

06.05.056

Harvey: Of course Private! Well done! [Quietly to the others] It's always useful to let her be the leader when being the leader might be dangerous, what?

06.05.057

[DUR casts his spell, but nothing happens.]

Alice: I think being the leader might always be... uh, is always might be dangerous. Hm. Well, you know what I mean!

[CHARLIE opens the door and immediately bonks herself in the head with it.]


;;; Drew is out too!

Sebastian: You know, I'm starting to think there's something a little untoward in here. [Glances at himself in a convenient mirror and gives it a smile] Hello, Beautiful. [The mirror cracks, and he adds with some urgency] Something very untoward!

06.05.058

Charlie: [To Sebastian, rubbing her head unhappily] I quite agree! This place seems to be making us all terribly awkward! Hurry, let's get out of here! [Attempts to exit through the door]

06.05.058

Clint: Maybe we should try to be clumsy so we can actually be less clumsy!

06.05.059

[Someone closes the door from the outside, just as CHARLIE goes for it.]

Alice: Great idea, Clint! Let me try to poke myself in the eye! [Tries to poke herself in the eye. Succeeds.] Ow!

06.05.060

Austin : [Frowning] I think that I may find any attempt on my behalf, to act clumsily, quite impossible. [Tries to open the door very gently]

06.05.061

[AUSTIN gently pulls the door, but it now appears to be stuck.]

Alice: Harder, Austin! Pull your knob harder!


;;; Queens View -- bringing you lowbrow entertainment

;;; since 1995!

06.05.062

Charlie: [Encouragingly] Yes! Yes! Harder! Harder!


;;; Sigh.

06.05.063

Harvey: Do you need some help? Perhaps Private Scar can give it a good tug for you, what?


;;; I thought this was highbrow :)

06.05.063

[The door suddenly opens, smacking AUSTIN in the face and sending him careering backwards into CHARLIE and HARVEY. Standing in the doorway is an adorable looking live teddy bear, who gives the party a smile and a wave. This is the BAD LUCK BARE.]

Bad: Hi everyone!

06.05.064

Austin : [Nursing his face] Help me, help!

06.05.065

Alice: [Looks at Austin's face] Gasp!

06.05.066

Charlie: [Looks at Austin and says] Oh, don't be silly! Enormous facial scars can be quite sexy. [To Bad Luck Bare] Who are you?! A Care Bare, one assumes?

06.05.067


;;; Austin's face is fine, of course!

Bad: And one would be correct. I'm Care Bare who loves hugs!

Alice: [To the party] He is kind of adorable, isn't he?

06.05.068

Austin : [Cradling his face. Scolding to Alice] Oh that's right, I am nearly dead and you are all infatuated with cuddly bears!

06.05.069

Alice: [Hugging the cuddly bear] Hey! What makes you think I wasn't talking about you?

06.05.070

Charlie: [To Alice, alarmed] Stay away from him! He's clearly making us all awkward, and you are barely able to walk upright as is!

06.05.071

Harvey: Yes, dear, stay away from Austin - you just can't trust lawyers.

06.05.072

Alice: Hey! Someone just stole my wallet!

Bad: Sounds like you guys are having your share of bad luck! Maybe a hug will make it all better?

06.05.073

Charlie: [To Bad] No! You stay away from us! [To the party] Hurry, let's run away before we all accidentally decapitate ourselves with spoons or some such nonsense!

06.05.074

Sebastian: [To Charlie] Why a spoon? [Walks over to Bad] Hugs are always good [Smiles and group hugs Alice and Bad]

06.05.075

[The audience gives a big "awwwww".]

Bad: Seb's right! [Bites Alice on the shoulder, before clawing Sebastian, knocking him to the ground, with a huge gash on his chest]


;;; Alice lose 10hp, Sebastian lose 8hp

06.05.076

Clint: [Not surprised at all.] Never trust a plush toy! [Tries to rip Bad limb from limb from limb.]

06.05.077

[CLINT swings and just barely misses, how unlucky!]

06.05.078

Charlie: Do be careful, Mr. Scar! You might end up injuring yourself, or one of us! Let us attempt an escape, instead. [Tries to locate another door]

06.05.079

[CHARLIE scrambles to the other door, but it is simply an over stuffed closet, so she is immediately covered in an avalanche of clothing, boxes and, of course, bowling balls.]

Alice: We're too unlucky to hurt him!

06.05.080

Charlie: OW! [Hopping on one foot] Keep looking for an exit!

06.05.081

Alice: There's one! [Points, but then looks disappointed] Gah! It's just a big mirror!

06.05.082

Sebastian: [Moans in pain somewhat] That hurt. Stuffed animals aren't meant to do that. By the Mother what are you? [Stands up, pointing at Bad]

06.05.083

Clint: He's pure evil in an adorable exterior! Kind of like a woman, really. [Looks around frantically for an exit, or a deep dark hole down which Bad can be stuffed, or something.]

06.05.084

[No exits in sight, just the one that BAD is blocking. The rest of the room is filled with breakable objects such as vases, cups and a couple of large mirrors.]

Bad: The Mother? Hold on a second! [Looks around] Yellow Ties! You bastards! What the hell are you doing here?

06.05.085

Charlie: [Looks down at her yellow tie] Oh, right! [To Bad, attempting to sound menacing but mostly sounding like she has a severe cold] Wouldn't you like to know?! Oh, it's dreadful, simply dreadful. You'd best let us alone, or suffer the dire consequences!

06.05.085

Harvey: Quick, troop! We should make a tactical withdrawal while our enemies are battling each other.

06.05.086

Alice: Harvey! We ARE the enemy he's battling!

Bad: [Points angrily at Charlie] Hey, Aequilibra is fair game, but you have no right to come here!

06.05.087

Sebastian: [To Bad] Took you long enough to notice our ties fuzz ball [Smiles rather friendly like, still pointing, unknowing what is coming next. Casts Grease (http://dungeons.wikia.com/wiki/SRD:Grease)]

06.05.088

[Nothing happens.]

Bad: [Yawns] You YTGs are a pack of idiots.

06.05.089

Austin : [To Bad] Why, what would you have done that is so terribly clever and cunning? Huh? No good answer, no I didn't think so!

06.05.090

Clint: Yeah! Look how long it took you to realize we're wearing yellow ties!

06.05.091

Harvey: Maybe the Bad Luck Bare has extremely poor eyesight? That would be rather... unlucky, wouldn't you say?

06.05.092

Bad: Hey! I'm not unlucky! I'm the one who gives out bad luck! I never have bad luck! Never!

06.05.093

Charlie: [To Harvey] Methinks he doth protest too much! [To Bad, with mock sympathy] Tell us about it, poor thing! Has your luck turned bad, in a karmic twist of fate?

06.05.094

Sebastian: [Lowering his arm] Yes Bad Luck Bare, tell us about your worries and your problems. I am a great believer in Hakuna Matata myself [Contiues to smile in a friendly fashion despite the gash across his chest from Bad]

06.05.095

Bad: Step outside so I can use the Painbow on you! Now!

06.05.096

Harvey: Why? What happens if we don't, eh?

06.05.097

Sebastian: [To Bad] Well you see there's the thing, every time we try to get outside we don't seem to be able to. Why can't you do it in here? Does this house negate magical energies?

06.05.098

Bad: [To Harvey] Then I can't use it, can I? You idiot! [To Sebastian] Because the house is too small!

Alice: If only he had the kind of bad luck we do!

06.05.099

Charlie: [Puzzled] But size doesn't matter! [To the party] When it comes to houses and casting magic, that is.

06.05.100

Alice: Maybe it depends on how much damage the spell does? After all, it would be awful if he destroyed his beautiful house. [Gestures to all the broken crockery and vases; it seems like there's just one large mirror left intact out of everything else in the house]

06.05.101

Harvey: Indeed, it would be rather unfortunate if some clumsy buffoon were to smash it into tiny pieces, wouldn't it? Private Scar, if you please... [Gestures for Clint to break the mirror]

06.05.102

Charlie: [Excited] Oooh, allow me! I've always wanted to do something delightfully naughty like this! [Picks up a chair and attempts to break the mirror with the chair]

06.05.103

Austin : I really think that that is not a good idea!

06.05.104

Harvey: Oh, of course! How silly of us! You do have our apologies, Private, what!?! [To Charlie] Is there time for Private Sleaze to check himself in the mirror before we break it?

06.05.105

Alice: There's ALWAYS time for that!

Bad: No! Break it now! You fools! Even more bad luck for breaking a mirror!

Alice: [To Charlie] Maybe you should break the mirror off him?

06.05.106

Charlie: [Drops the chair before she breaks the mirror] Oh, how thrilling! It will be just like an old-time saloon brawl! [Attempts to snatch the mirror and hit Bad over the head with it. Affecting a lame "Western" drawl] You clearly cheated at that poker game, you rogue!

06.05.107

Gubbins: [Coming round and sitting up, rubbing his be-chandeliered head] Ow, that really ... what's going on now?


;;; Sorry for last week, folks.

;;; And before I forget, I am away from work all day tomorrow

06.05.108

Sebastian: Clearly he was cheating Charlie. There's no way he could have held the cards with those paws!

06.05.109

Alice: [As the mirror slowly heads towards Bad] With those what?? What? Finish your sentence!

06.05.110

Charlie: [To Alice] Not "pause," but rather "paws"! [Frustrated] Oh, I do hope you understand, as I cannot make finger quotes and make little bear paws just now, as I am mid-whack!

06.05.111

[Crash! The mirror smashes into BAD.]

Bad: Ow! Hey! That really hurt!

Alice: Uh oh! Seven years bad luck -- and in bear years, that's probably 49!

06.05.112

Dur: So now that we have broken everything within the house, perhaps we should bring down the structure next?=

06.05.113

Alice: But that would crush us! [Thinks] Unless there was someone really, really unlucky, and they get caught instead!

06.05.114

Harvey: For example, our unlucky friend here? [Indicates the Bad Luck Bear]

06.05.114

Clint: Saaaay, someone with seven year's bad luck? [Tries for the door again.]

06.05.115

Alice: That indeed would be a good example!

[CLINT grabs the door and pulls it open.]

Bad: Hey! [Thunk, gets smacked in the head with the door] Ow!

06.05.116

Gubbins: That's a turnip for the books! [Pauses] Or something. [Looks through the now-open door] Where are we going though? We should recce the place and plan our expedition in accordance with the lie of the land.

06.05.116

Charlie: [To Clint] Well done, Mr. Scar! Now, let's tear this house of horrors down!

06.05.117

Clint: Wouldn't it be more fun to let his own bad luck do that for him while we watch?

06.05.118

Dur: [Searching for a pack of matches] Fine! Let's compromise then, let's light this baby up and then watch as his bad luck prevents him from escaping= ?

06.05.118

Charlie: [Aghast] Mr. Scar, you surprise me! I thought you would delight in a chance to be destructive, with my full permission!

06.05.118

Bad: Just you wait! [Swings at Clint but unluckily misses, punching the wall instead, having his paw go through it] Gah! [Tries to pull out, but is stuck, and starts to knock plaster out of the wall as he struggles, causing the entire building to shake]

06.05.119

Harvey: I think he's trying to beat us to it, what?

06.05.119

Gubbins: [Watching the shaking building around them, in some alarm] Okay, new plan - we leave NOW! Exeunt, stage ... that way! [Makes for the open door]

06.05.120

Bad: Come back here so I can get you!

[Exit the party, leaving BAD behind.]

Bad: Get back here! Get back! Uh oh!

[The entire house collapses, squashing BAD.]


;;; End of scene, next one coming right up

06.06.001

[Book VIII, Act VI, Scene VI. The remains of the house. ALICE, AUSTIN, CHARLIE, CLINT, DUR, GUBBINS, HARVEY and SEBASTIAN are here, surveying the destroyed house.]

Alice: Wow, that was the unluckiest thing I've ever seen in my life!

06.05.120

Clint: Haw! This is great! [Too Bad.] Just bear with us as we make our escape.


;;; Sorry, sorry.

06.06.002

Dur: Don't say that! You're inviting the universe to visit even unluckier circumstances upon us!

06.06.003

Gubbins: Dr T Rag may be right. There is a clan of people in the western hills that only speak when the facts of the subject matter are undisputable, for fear of offending the gods. They are a superstitious bunch ... but it's a peaceful place.

06.06.004

Alice: Well, I for one am pretty sure that even those gods wouldn't be able to make things unluckier for us than they have been for that bear. In fact -- hey! Can anyone else smell anchovies?


;;; As a matter of fact, they can!

06.06.005

Charlie: Indeed, I most certainly can! How positively rapturous! What an ineffable delight! [Hesitates] Hmm, I certainly hope I am not pregnant again. [Quickly] Not that I suffer from Tokophobia.

06.06.005

Clint: [Takes a deep whiff.] Might as well let our noses be our guides! [Follows the trail, as it were.]

06.06.006

Gubbins: Anchovies? [Sniffs] Why, yes - I can! Awesome! I *love* anchovies. [Follows Clint as he follows his nose]

06.06.007

Sebastian: [Wrinkles his nose at the air] Alas poor Yorrik, I smell them well. [Licking his lips he turns back to look at the fallen house] At least we didn't have to use the protection spell just yet. [Begins to walk after Clint as he follows the smell]

06.06.008

Alice: [Gives Charlie a quick glare, before turning to Gubbins] Me too! I think anchovies are awesome, too! They should be called Awesomovies!

[Rather surprisingly, there is a massive table of food conveniently located behind the party. It consists almost entirely of anchovies, but there are a few plates of honeyed golden locusts too.]

06.06.009

Gubbins: [Looks at surprisingly-convenient table of food with some suspicion] Hmm. Something smells fishy. ... IT'S THE ANCHOVIES! Awesome! [Goes to grab a plateful]

06.06.009

Clint: Haw! [Makes a bee-line for the table, grabs an anchovy, sniffs it like a snobby wine connoisseur, and licks the anchovy delicately.]

06.06.009

Harvey: Gah! Anchovies?!? By the saints will the pain never end? [Picks some random item from the table and touches it with his toungue to taste it]

06.06.010

Dur: No! They are all mine! [Jealously leaps onto the table and begins licking plates full of anchovies with his tongue] =

06.06.011

Alice: [Rescues a plate for herself] Hey! Do you really think that's a good idea, Dur? Really? [To the others] We should write down a list of rules for him!

06.06.011

Sebastian: [Practically skips to the table and picks up an untouched anchovie tenderly, allowing the aroma to wander up his nose and excite his sense of smell before letting his tongue slowly and gently smother the delicasy] Mmmm, Alice don't you just find them supercalifragilisticexpialidocious to your senses?

06.06.012

Gubbins: That's what *I* said! Anchovies are AWESOME! [Chomps another one]

06.06.012

Harvey: [To Dur] By the saints, man, are you insane? [To Alice] Absolutely, my dear. We cannot possibly expect him to remember a list of rules without some written reference. We should also define a written list of rules for yourself, as well for Privates Scar, Parker-Kensington and Sleaze. As well as for our two newcomers. Hmm, we should also write down everyone's names - it's so easy to forget, what?

06.06.013

Charlie: [Protects her plate of anchovies from Dur. To Alice, excited] Oh, I shall make a list of rules for Dur! I am ever so good at that!

06.06.014

Dur: I'll probably just eat that too! [Sucking on an anchovie]

06.06.014

Gubbins: Not too big on rules, me, Charlie. Certainly not written lists of them. [Puts down plate of anchovies] Well, that was most welcome but I have had my fill. Mind you, something to drink right now would be, y'know ... awesome.

06.06.015

Harvey: [To Dur] By the saints, man, are you insane? [Eyes Gubbins] Perhaps we should define a written list of guidelines for the number of times per minute someone should say the word "awesome", eh?

06.06.016

Gubbins: Just saying.

06.06.017

Sebastian: Why Harvey, that is an awesome idea! [He exclaims excitedly] You must be truly awesome to be blessed with a brain so awesome to be able to think of such awesomeness! [Proceeds then to eat more anchovies] Mmm, these anchovies are truly awesome. And to think, I never used to like them until now.

06.06.017

Charlie: [Delightedly digging through her knapsack] Aha! I knew I had just the notepad for you, Dur! [Proudly shows a bright yellow notepad but keeps it out of his reach] Now, Rule 1! You must see a proper doctor at once to determine the reasons for your Xylophagia!

06.06.018

Alice: That is an awesome idea, and awesome is a whole lot better than Superfragileexpeditions. [To Charlie] Let me do the writing, I'll be much quicker! [Writes down abbreviations for each party member] Oh, I can tell, this is going to be great. I mean, awesome!

06.06.019

Alice: Rule 2, no talking about Filophagia!

06.06.019

Gubbins: [To Charlie] *Proper* doctor? You mean he's *not* a proper doctor? But I was going to ask him about my - [trails off] - never mind. [To Alice] Super-fragile expeditions are the worst kind, Alice. Unless you've thought of everything, covered every eventuality, laid plans to deal with the worst, then expeditions can be hell on earth. [Shudders, then looks around] Or whatever dimension you happen to be on.

06.06.020

Clint: [Busily looking for anchovies that Dur has not already licked.]


;;; Why are we talking about awesomeness when there's *anchovies*

around? Honestly! =)

06.06.020

Alice: Not only that, Gubsy, but sometimes you have [points at Dur] him with you! It doesn't get much worse than that. Honestly, Dur, why do you think getting on the table is a good idea?

06.06.021

Harvey: Yes, Dur, are you insane? [Picks up a honeyed golden locust and licks it. Unsure if it contains anchovies, he puts it back]

06.06.022

Dur: [With the tails of about 5 anchovies sticking out of his mouth] Yep! Insane for ANCHOVIES! HAW!=

06.06.023

Gubbins: Say, Harvey. I will promise to avoid saying "awesome" if you promise to stop asking everyone if they're insane.

06.06.021


;;; Sorry, meant to say that's all from me until Wednesday. Have fun.

On Mon, 23 Jan 2012 16:54:49 -0000, John Ludlow <john.ludlow.uk@gmail.com> wrote:

-- Using Opera's revolutionary email client: http://www.opera.com/mail/

06.06.024

Harvey: Nonsense! I'm only asking Dur! [To Dur] Are you insane? [To Gubbins] See? [Thinks] Hmm, Alice, would you write that down so we don't forget?

06.06.025

Charlie: [Exasperated] Oh, this is even more annoying than the last meeting of the International Society for the Preservation of Folkloric Art and Craftwork! [Shudders] Those ISPFAC Society types just go on and on about the magnificence of this stained lump of clay or that. [Enraged] They were primitive peoples! Wilhelmina is already a better artist!

06.06.025

Alice: Can do! [Scribbles something down and shows the party]

[ALICE's note reads: "Only Dur[1]
can be asked [2] if he's insane [3] ."]

Alice: Doesn't it look really official with all the references in there!

06.06.025

Austin : [Furiously scribbling everything down] I've got it! I have it already, no need Alice! [Eats an anchovie] Of course, anchovies are one of the very best food stuffs to take on long expeditions! [Scribbles muttering] Nicholas et al., 1214.

06.06.026

Austin : {Frowning] But what references are they? May I see your list of citations, I should take a copy of them lest our plan appear confusing.

06.06.027

Sebastian: Hold up! All this rule writing and dictating is distracting us from the matter at hand people!

06.06.027

Alice: We don't need no stinkin' references! [To Charlie] Isn't that right? We all know what I mean!

06.06.027

Charlie: [To Austin and Alice, irked] What ARE you doing? I cannot even begin to guess what reference style you claim to be employing, but let us agree that the International Society for Science and Stuff formatting style is preferable. Now, carefully explain the nature of your sources to me, and I shall help you format them properly.

06.06.028

Alice: He's right -- won't someone please think of the anchovies! [To Charlie] Sure, it's preferable. I just prefer NSS Society method. NSS is the New Society Society, by the way. It's in one of my references.

06.06.028

Austin : [Laughs at Charlie's suggestion] As if [Stuffs his mouth fill of anchovies] Yummmmm.

06.06.029

Austin : I think that you will all find the Law Societies system far superior in every way. [Scribbles this down] And you should adopt it immediately. The slightest ambiguity or lack of clarity could cause a major mishap later on, Beard et al., 1202.

06.06.029

Charlie: [To Alice, horrified] That isn't a recognized formatting style! I know all 27 internationally recognized styles, and I have a style book for each! [Indignantly] And, in any case, it couldn't possibly compare to the ISS

06.06.029

Harvey: [To Alice] Believe me, my dear, I *am* thinking of the anchovies. Perhaps you should write that down, with references. [To Sebasitan] Indeed, we forgot the matter at hand because we didn't write it down. [To Alice] Write that down as well, would you?

06.06.030

Dur: [Uses the distraction to continue his campaign of licking all the anchovies still on the table] Mmmmmmmm!=

06.06.031

Clint: I'm with you, Doc! These guys are nuts!

06.06.031

Austin : Well I for one am very glad to see everyone writing everything down, so that they don't loose track of the plan. Dawes and Mortimer, 1203. [Eats some more anchovies] Hmmm, delicious. We should do this more often. [Muches more anchoives] Perhaps we should stop for a few minutes and collate our efforts, thereby reducing error by averaging over multiple copies, Farall and Dwight 1203. [Keeps writing]

06.06.032

Sebastian: They've gone completely bonkers! All this rule writing when there are anchovies to be eaten! [Without looking reaches out for an anchovie but picks up a locust instead to eat] Completely bonkers! [Shakes his head and pops the locust in to his mouth and crunches down on it]

06.06.032

Harvey: [Looks at Dur with the anchovies] Private Dur! Are you insane? [Looks queasy] Oh, I say, I don't feel well.

06.06.033

Austin : [To harvey] You are most probably just hungry, colonel. Why don't you have some of these delightful anchovies [Nibbles the head off an anchovie, makeing sucking slurping sounds.

06.06.034

Alice: [Licks the head of an anchovy] Mm! Awesome! Hey, I wonder if that bear would like one.

[ALICE points out a happy looking pink teddy bear with a rainbow across its chest. This is CHEER BARE.]

Cheer: [Waves to the party] Hi everyone! [To Alice] I'm not a bear, I'm a Bare!

06.06.035

Charlie: [Delighted] What a cheery thing you are! You don't seem to belong with these dreadful little monsters at all. Do join us for anchovies.

06.06.036

Cheer: I'd love to, but I'm afraid the deliberate and egregious use of bad citations are making me concerned about dealing with some of the others, and, between you and me, I think some of them only want to eat the anchovies because they know it upsets someone else in the group.

06.06.037

Austin : [Taking notes] Nonsense, [Noting to self] left square bracket, one, right square bracket, [To Cheer] these anchovies are sumptuous!

06.06.038

Harvey: [Groans]

06.06.038

Cheer: Really? [Takes the one nearest Austin and licks it] Mm! Yes, they are AWESOME. [Puts it back on the plate]

06.06.039

Austin : [Sucks the head off an anchovie and puts it back on the plate] I prefer the heads [Makes a reference note [2, p462] ], so I'll put the bodies back incase someone else likes them better.

06.06.040

Cheer: Mm! That looks really good! [Grabs Austin and sticks his/her tongue down his throat to lick the anchovy head, before pulling back] Minty!

06.06.041

Austin : [To Cheer] Even though you are rather good at that you really should ask first. [Rolls his eyes]

06.06.042

Harvey: I see Private Sleaze has started making friends with the locals, what? Now, can we stop eating this disgusting... stuff and get moving?

06.06.043

Cheer: Now, why would you want to do that? [Steps back so that the party can see the rainbow on his shirt starting to glow]

06.06.044

Austin : That is probalbly the painbow. So, the plan is to cast the protection spell on eachother. Perhaps it should be cast upon me first, since I am the most improtant member of the party.

06.06.045

Harvey: [Beaming, though still looking a bit green] Excellent, Private! That means you will be in direct combat with the evil Care Bares and their terrifying Painbow, while we observe from a safe distance, what? We'll make a soldier of you, yet!


;;; just sent to me by accident?

06.06.046

Charlie: [Impressed] Indeed! Uncharacteristically brave of you, Mr. Sleaze.

06.06.047

Austin : [Dryly to Charlie] Yes it would be. I have no intention of behaving uncharacteristically, I merely requested protection. Will you cast the protection spell on me now please

06.06.047

Alice: But who's going to cast it?

06.06.048

Austin : If someone casts it on me I shall return the favour. Please hurry up, I am much to beautiful to die. [Checks his nails casually]

06.06.049

Charlie: As the group's leader, I shall cast it! [Attempts to cast the spell on Austin]

06.06.050

Sebastian: [To the party] You know, it occurs to me, why don't we just lobby the locusts between Sleaze and the Painbow when it is cast? That way the locusts will get it instead of him. [Starts picking at his teeth] And since when did anchovies taste like honey? [Picks up another anchovie to eat to get rid of the taste]

06.06.051

Alice: Because a locust is about an inch high and we have no idea how much of a spread the Painbow has?

[CHARLIE casts the spell, just as the Painbow explodes from CHEER BARE's chest, completely engulfing AUSTIN, who shrieks in pain. CHARLIE, meantime, falls to the ground, bleeding from the nose and ears.]


;;; Austin lose 16hp, Charlie lose 35

06.06.052

Dur: [Startled] What?! Does that mean the protection spell is not working? [Tries to cast the protection spell on Harvey]

06.06.053

Alice: I think that means it IS working! That's what Gertrude warned us about!

[DUR casts his spell, but nothing seems to happen. Meanwhile, CHEER looks confused.]

Cheer: Hey! What's going on here?

06.06.054

Sebastian: [To Cheer] Oh nothing much, we just came prepared that's all [Grins and attempts to cast Magic Missle at Cheer[http://dungeons.wikia.com/wiki/SRD:Magic_Missile] ]

06.06.055

[SEBASTIAN casts his spell, but nothing happens.]

Cheer: [Grins back] I guess you weren't as prepared as you thought!

06.06.056

Charlie: [Staggers to her feet. To Cheer] Do go away, you silly little children's toy! We have important work to do.

06.06.056

Clint: We get that a lot! [To the party.] Quick! How do we use this freak's cheeriness against him?

06.06.057

Cheer: So do I! [The rainbow begins to glow again]

Alice: [To Clint] I don't know -- maybe by hacking him to pieces with our swords?

06.06.058

Charlie: I suppose there's only one way to find out! [Tries to hack Cheer to pieces with her sword]

06.06.058

Dur: Perhaps we can turn his cheer into depression? [Starts flinging handfuls of anchovies and locusts at Cheer, licking the anchovies before hurling = them] You call THAT a 'painbow'? I've seen more ominous color from the Yellow Tie Guys!

06.06.059

Clint: Yeah! And your anchovies were disgusting! [Absently reaches down and picks up a handful of anchovies to lick.]

06.06.060

Sebastian: [Mutters to self] What the hell is going on with me today?

06.06.060

Alice: Yeeeeha! [Also attacks Cheer]

[Both CHARLIE and ALICE strike CHEER, who knocks ALICE to the ground in return.]


;;; Cheer lose 22hp, Alice lose 7hp

06.06.061

Harvey: Why today, specifically?


;;; Sorry folks - ended up having to tell someone off.

06.06.062

Clint: Ah, to hell with it. [Attacks Cheer with his sword.] Let's do this the old-fashioned way!

06.06.063

Alice: For God's sake, Harvey! Let's get him before he uses the Painbow again!

[Each of CLINT, CHARLIE, GUBBINS and ALICE attack CHEER, knocking a lot of stuffing out of him. He knocks GUBBINS to the ground.]


;;; Cheer lose 37hp, Gubbins lose 11hp

06.06.064

Dur: Lets get physical! Physical! [Jumps on top of the pile of bodies with a mouth full of anchovies]

06.06.064

Charlie: [Delighted, keeping up the attack] Oh, we are doing so splendidly! It makes the searing pain of bleeding from my ears worthwhile!

06.06.064

Austin : Ugh [Staggers a step then falls to the ground unconcious]

06.06.065

Sebastian: [Moves to behind Cheer and tries to run him through with his sword] There was a Bare in the bed and the little one said "DIE!" [Laughs]

06.06.066

[Everyone but AUSTIN engages, and soon there is little left other than some stuffing and cutesy looking hearts. The desires that everyone had for anchovies, citations and such are now gone.]

Alice: Yeuck! What the hell just happened? I don't even like anchovies!

06.06.067

Dur: Our compulsions did seem a little strange... For most of us that is. [Goes over to take a look at Austin's condition.] =

06.06.067

Charlie: These dreadful little creatures certainly have peculiar ways of attack, don't they?! Really, they are more terribly irksome than truly dangerous, are they not? [Muses] I suppose that is why Mr. Deadpan fared so well here!

06.06.068

Sebastian: Me neither. What's worse is I think I ate a locust too. [Looks down at his hand] Hey! When did I get a sword?

06.06.069

Clint: Never mind that, I ate an anchovy! And I think Dur licked it first!

06.06.070

Alice: If I was you, Clint, I'd be more concerned about the fact that it was on the ground before he licked it!

06.06.071

Harvey: Particularly given that Dur is our health practitioner, what?

06.06.072

Austin : [Comes to slowly] Ergh.Am I dead?

06.06.073

Dur: Not yet! Thanks to some front line first aid by your Doctor! [Beams atAustin even thuogh he didn't actually do anything.] =

06.06.074

Alice: Wow, Dur! And you didn't even have your stick!

06.06.075

Clint: So now that we've beat the pink bear, where to?

06.06.076

Charlie: We need to locate the Baring Meter! [Looks around] Does anyone see anything that looks like a meter?!

06.06.076

Alice: We better see if we can find the Painbow, I guess, although we need to be better organized with our use of the spell.

06.06.077

Charlie: [Wryly] Yes, one hopes not to bleed from one's ears and mouth on a routine basis. Is Mr. Sleaze still under the effect of the spell? [Looks at Austin]

06.06.078

Gubbins: I realise I may be jumping to conclusions here, having only encountered two of them, but I am guessing we can assume that all Care Bares are hostile, despite their friendly, cuddly appearance.

06.06.079

Alice: But they're so cuuuute! [Peers at Austin] I guess the spell didn't work so well, did it? How can we tell if is still having an effect? Oh, and how come no other spells have worked since we got here?

06.06.079

Harvey: We were warned that they were dangerous, what? I suggest we proceed, with caution.

06.06.080

Charlie: Good questions, but I have no answer for them! Perhaps the Care Bares have added magical protections since Mr. Deadpan was last here? We'd better try to avoid them as much as possible, then!

06.06.081

Austin : [Gets up, takes out a sticky roller cleaner and cleans himself] Well, I am still alive, so we can only assume that Gertrudes spell worked. [Ponders] Either that or perhaps the Painbow cannot kill beautiful people.

06.06.082

Charlie: But why would this one spell only work, I wonder?

06.06.083

Sebastian: I wouldn't mind knowing why spells aren't working myself. But perhaps some stealth is required, keep out of view until we locate the Baring Meter.

06.06.084

Alice: Maybe our spells only work in our dimension? And there's something special about this one?

06.06.085

Charlie: How dreadfully inconvenient! If that's the case, we are at a grave disadvantage here. Let us proceed with great caution. Now, where would one keep a Baring Meter? [Scans the area thoughtfully]

06.06.086

Gubbins: If we knew what it looked like, that'd help. But surveying an area is my thing. Let's see ... [Looks around the place, moving around the immediate area to get a better idea of the terrain]

06.06.086

[There appears to a small town about a half a mile away.]

Alice: I hope to god it's not there.

06.06.087

Charlie: [To Gubbins] Thank you, Coleridge! [To Alice] Why on earth not? Have you some sort of prejudice against small town folk? I think you'll find them quite charming in their backward, simple-minded ways. [Lights up, delighted] Perhaps we'll be invited to a [finger quotes] hootenanny!

06.06.087

Harvey: Well, let's take a look and be sure, eh?

06.06.088

Alice: Uh, well, I was just going to say that it was very far away -- or maybe very small -- but now that you say it, good point! It could be even worse than I feared, I mean, are they going to screw a goat?

06.06.088


;;; Out for about an hour or more

06.06.089

Charlie: [Appalled] Really, your ignorance is too shocking! Everyone knows small-town folk prefer the gentle, downy love of sheep!


;;; Yes, I grew up in a small town, so

;;; it's OK that I'm saying this! ; )

06.06.089

Gubbins: [To Charlie, huffily] I happen to come from a small town myself, [emphasis] Charlotte. Those 'backward, simple-minded ways' you find quite charming are the whole world to many people. [Storms off towards the small town half a mile away]

06.06.090

Sebastian: [Frowns, obviously offended] I also happen to come from a small town, and I assure you, there is no known beastiality ever happening there [Follow Gubbins]


;;; Just to let you know guys I won't be around at all on Friday

06.06.091

Austin : I do not come from a small town. Thankfully. [Examines the remains of the Bare]

06.06.091


;;; Ok that's me out for the rest of the day guys. See you tomorrow,

and don't forget I'm not here at all on Friday.

06.06.092

Alice: Yeesh, Aus, they're so temperamental, it makes me think it would be better if they did screw the odd goat!

[The Bare seems to be made up of nothing but felt and stuffing.]


;;; Gone for the day, and no posting until tomorrow, oh no!

06.06.093

Austin : How unfortunate. Just out of curiosity, what do you normally thinkof?

06.06.094

Clint: Do you really want to know, lawyer?


;;; So my tale of woe: no walking in to the office this morning because

thunderstorm/tornado watch, and me laptop wouldn't boot.

;;; Gah! Hopefully I can get that sorted this evening.

06.06.094


;;; That was a typo earlier -- no posts until FRIDAY!

06.06.095

Alice: [To Austin] Normally just about what a nice guy you are.

06.06.096

Charlie: Do let's keep moving toward this little town. The longer we tarry, the more likely we will find they have turned in for the night. [Wisely] Simple folk often go to bed at 6:00 or 7:00 in the evening, as they are not able to conceive of creative or improving uses of their time.

06.06.096

Harvey: Do we really spend that long thinking about that? Anyway, perhaps we should investigate this settlement, what?

06.06.096


;;; BTW, I have a meeting this afternoon so don't be surprised if I

vanish for an hour or two.

06.06.097

Alice: I thought they'd be busy sacrificing sheep and dancing in the moonlight?

[Exit ALL, towards the town.]


;;; End of scene, next one coming right up

06.07.001

[Book VIII, Act VI, Scene VII. The Park. ALICE, AUSTIN, CHARLIE, CLINT, DUR, GUBBINS, HARVEY and SEBASTIAN are here, on the way to the town. They are in what appears to be a park, with a children's play area, gazebo, picnic area, etc. They are about quarter of a mile from the town, but everyone is starting to feel incredibly tired.]


;;; Drew is out today

Sebastian: [Yawning] Yeesh! I think I might have to take a rest!

06.07.002

Gubbins: [Also yawning] Whoah, yeah! So ... tired ... suddenly. I don't to be cynical but - [yawns again] - what is this going to be: the attack of the Bedtime Bare?

06.07.003

Charlie: That would be dreadful! We would be totally helpless if we fell asleep. Shall we search this park for the next Bare?!

06.07.003


;;; Away in a meeting for an hour or so.

06.07.004

Alice: [To Gubbins] Maybe it's just a really boring Bare?

[The party suddenly spot another BARE sitting on a bench. This is GRUMPY BARE.]

Grumpy: Oh? So I'm boring, am I? Well that's just great!

06.07.005

Harvey: Cheerful fellow, isn't he?

06.07.006

Alice: He seems to be happy about something!

Grumpy: I'm just some good for nothing waste of space who's only purpose is to distract you while another Bare prepares to destroy you. Is that it?

06.07.007

Dur: [Yawning] Can we just skip to the ass kicking part and get this over with? These Bares are irritating.=

06.07.008

Alice: [Also yawns] Hey, what did he say about distracting us? I was distracted!

06.07.009

Charlie: [To Grumpy, fighting a yawn] You stand back, or you shall meet a dreadful fate! We have already shredded one of your hellish comrades today.

06.07.009

Dur: [Yawns again] you're ALWAYS distracted!

06.07.010

Austin : [To Grumpy] Why are you so grumpy, are you merely a distraction, as you claim to be? [Sighs, yawning]

06.07.011

Alice: [To Dur] Huh?

Grumpy: Because I wanted to just kill you, but, because you [glares at Charlie, making finger quotes] shredded some of my colleagues, you need to be tested.

06.07.012

Austin : [To Charlie] Demons of all kinds seem to be attracted to you. [Ponders] Perhaps it is the way you smell. Anyway, someone should be ready to cast the protection spell upon you, just in case.

06.07.013

Gubbins: Good plan! I shall do it. [Yawns] Hand me the spell.

06.07.014

Harvey: [To Austin, stifling a yawn] Not up for having the spell cast on you again, eh, Private Sleaze?

06.07.015

Alice: Yikes! Maybe he shouldn't be -- look at his hair!

[AUSTIN's hair appears to be thinning rapidly. Rather surprisingly, ALICE's face seems to have suddenly broken out in zits.]

Alice: That's kinda weird, isn't it?

06.07.016

Charlie: [Tries to attack Grumpy] How could you? Nothing matters more to Alice and Mr. Sleaze than superficial good looks! You'll destroy them both!

06.07.017

Grumpy: [Before Charlie gets to him] I won't -- Pestilence will.

06.07.018

Charlie: [Taken aback] What on earth do you mean?! [Defensively] He would never harm them. He promised me!

06.07.019

Austin : [Completely white in shock as he catches a clump of hair] Noooooooo!

06.07.020

Dur: I don't think the promise of a Demon means very much...

06.07.021

Charlie: [Snaps at Dur] That's not true! He has never lied to me, and he has never broken a promise to me.

06.07.022

Charlie: [Snaps at Dur] That's not true! He has never lied to me, and he has never broken a promise to me.

Dur: [Snapping back] Just because he hasn't lied to you doesn't mean you have been told everything! He can cause our destruction without directly kill= ing us woman! Have you ever thought of that? Perhaps you are blinded by your own love of him to see him for what he truly is capable of!=

06.07.021


;;; That's me, folks - 4pm finish on Fridays. Have a good weekend. - David

On Fri, 27 Jan 2012 15:51:19 -0000, Heather <heather.goggans@gmail.com> wrote:

-- Using Opera's revolutionary email client: http://www.opera.com/mail/

06.07.023

Grumpy: Then how do you account for the fact that himself and Bustin Jeibers are on their way here right now? [Gestures to the side of the party]

[Enter PESTILENCE and BUSTIN JEIBERS, the Realms-wide famous teen pop singing sensation. They are carrying what appears to be a bath between them.]

Pestilence: Come on, Bustin! Sing us your really, really, really, really annoying song!

Bustin: Which one? They all sound that way!

06.07.024

Harvey: [Glaring at Bustin] You! [To the Party] This man was responsible for the Camp Brassiere riots and the loss of an entire division!

06.07.024

Clint: Oooh, either this is a trick or Chuck's husband has a lot of explaining to do!

06.07.024

Austin : [Frozen in terror, looking at his own hair in his hands. Crying] But why?

06.07.025

Charlie: [Goes to give Pestilence a kiss] Darling, how wonderful to see you! [Uncertainly] But why are you here? And with that insipid boy? And carrying a bathtub?!

06.07.026

Pestilence: We figured we'd for Dur to wash in it, and then use it to drown your friends.

Bustin: After I've sung a so-ong! [To Harvey] A fan, I see! [Wrinkles his nose up at Austin] Ew! Weird!

06.07.027

Clint: [To Bustin.] Oh, I've always wanted to do this! [Goes to punch Bustin in the nose.]

06.07.028

Dur: [Crying in terror and then looks to Charlie] Oh! So the truth comes out!

06.07.028

Charlie: [To Pestilence, putting herself between him and the party] Drown my friends?! Whatever do you mean, darling?

06.07.029

Harvey: [To Clint] Excellent, Private Scar! [Goes to attack Bustin] We lost two whole divisions because of you!

06.07.030

Austin : [Holding clumps of hair] My hair, my beautiful hair. [Realises what Pestillence has said] What? Why on earth would you want to do that?

06.07.031

Sebastian: [To Pestilence] Excuse me? Drown us? But we are the compadres of your wife. It would greatly upset her and anger her if you were to harm us. You would break her heart. I doubt that even you are that...heartless?


;;; Morning guys. Early bird and all that hehe

06.07.032

Charlie: [Snaps at Sebastian] He isn't heartless! [To Pestilence] Darling, do stop this silly game at once. It isn't the least bit funny. Now, why have you come here? Are you sure it's safe to leave Will unattended?

06.07.033

Harvey: [Attacking Bustin] Three whole divisions!

06.07.034

Austin : [Ignoring Harvey. With a look of horror on his face, slowly draws back Maplin's sleeve] Please god noooo!

06.07.035

Alice: Yikes! Your arm is all hairy, Aus! Ew! Hm, my face feels weirdly tight. [Alice now has more zits than a stressed teenager]

[CLINT swings as BUSTIN, who lets out a burst of song just as he does.]

Bustin: Oooooooh, yeah! You know you love me I know you care, yeah!

[CLINT drops to his knees, clenching his head, as does HARVEY.]

Pestilence: [To Charlie] Oh, she'll be fine. She's in the bath and I filled it up nice and high. I couldn't find her toys, so I gave her the blowdryer to play with, and I found some pills that she can use as rattles. [Smiles] Don't worry, I left the dryer plugged in so she'll be fine. Right, which will I kill first?

06.07.036

Charlie: [Horrified] How can you be so careless! You know we aren't yet certain how much voltage Will is capable of withstanding, given her unusual biology! As for the group, to save our marriage you promised me that you would no longer kill! [Indignantly] Are you leaving me?!

06.07.036

Austin : [Sees Maplin all covered in hair] Nooo! [Vomits up a huge pile of anchovies and passes out]

06.07.037

Pestilence: Never -- but hey, I'm a demon. I kill people. It's what I do. Who's first? [Gleefully looks around the party]

06.07.037

Harvey: How can you people think of such things when [With emphatic disgust, pointing at Bustin] he's here? I should explain, what? We were having a good campaign, everyone was happy - well, apart from the poor buggers we were beating, of course - and then to improve morale, our commanders brought in some *entertainment*. Him [Points at Bustin again] . It was our single most catastrophic defeat.

06.07.038

Charlie: [Pulls her sword. To Pestilence, grimly] Sorry, darling. You'll have to kill ME first! [Attacks Pestilence]

06.07.038

Austin : [Comes too, wiping anchovy vomit from his mouth. Weakly propping himself up on one arm. To Pestilence] If you attack anyone of us we will all cast the protection from the Painbow spell on you! [To the party] Won't we!

06.07.039

Pestilence: [To Austin with a smile] Cool! It'll stop those pesky Care Bares from hurting me and will damage you lot!

[CHARLIE stabs PESTILENCE through the stomach.]

Pestilence: Is it weird that I'm getting an erection?


;;; I know I know... too far! Out for an hour

06.07.040

Sebsatian: By crickey I've got it! Charlie, that's not really Pestilence, Alice you haven't really got spots, it's all distractions. It's the Care Bare doing this. Think, the first one made us clumsy, the second made us want to eat anchovies, and not stop eating them. What if this one is bringing our fears to life? Charlie, what is the thing you fear most? Pestilence killing again right? Look at Alice, and Austin, their fears are not being beautiful probably right? Forget about Pestilence and choir boy there, kill the Bare!

06.07.041

Harvey: Crikey, he's right! [Thinks] Hmm, what about Bustin, is he real?

06.07.040

Gubbins: [Draws sword and looks around, wondering who to attack first] This is weird-wrong. Reminds me of a peyote trip a few years back. [Launches himself at Pestilence]

06.07.042

Sebastian: [To Harvey] Probably not but kill him anyway, he can't sing! [Battlecry to the Party] To the Bare! [Draws his sword and lunges for the Bare]


;;; That's me out for about 3 or 4 hours. Got company.

06.07.043

Charlie: [To Sebastian, uncertainly] Are you quite sure? It seems [discreetly peeks at Pestilence's crotch] extraordinarily accurate!


;;; Not too far enough!

06.07.044

Alice: [To Sebastian] What spots? I don't have any [checks her face in her compact] aieeeee!

Pestilence: [Does a finger gun point at Charlie] Click-click!

[GUBBINS sails through the air towards PESTILENCE, who easily catches him and throws him to the ground. Meanwhile, SEBASTIAN charges at GRUMPY and swings.]

Grumpy: [Calling to someone out of sight] Quick! Get the painbow! [Gubbins crashes into him and the two fall over, but no one is hurt]

06.07.045

Charlie: [Gasps] Hurry, we have to cast the spell! Gather around, and I'll try to cast it!

06.07.046

Dur: [Cowers behind Charlie, keeping her between him and the bath tub] Justkeep it away from me!=

06.07.047

[Everyone groups together near CHARLIE, as BUSTIN approaches.]

Bustin: [Singing] Me plus you, I'll tell you one time! Me plus you!

Alice: Make him stop!

06.07.048

Dur: Hey, Bustin! I can take care of that horrific little boy voice you got! The Doctor says, take two of these and call him in the morning! [Dur trie= s to find two nice sized stones to heave at Bustin's head]

06.07.049

ies to find two nice sized stones to heave at Bustin's head]

Charlie: [Tries to cast the spell on the party] Hold on, group! Hopefully, this will work perfectly, this time!

06.07.050

Austin : [Alarmed] That bare made Maplin Hairy! [Tries to shoot the Grumpy Bare] You will die for that!

06.07.051

Grumpy: Hey! What's the problem with being hairy? [Ducks as a bullet from Austin flies just over his head]

Alice: [To Charlie] Hang on, Charlie! Who are you casting it on? Remember, it only works for one person, and remember, you're already hurt!

06.07.051

Harvey: [Tries to bellow a horrific battle-cry. Ends up sounding like his trousers are too tight] That bare caused me to hear Bustin Bieber again - I only just got over the last time which was fourteen years ago! You will die for that! [Attacks the bare]

06.07.052

Charlie: Right, perhaps we'd better just run before the Painbow is unleashed, then?

06.07.053

Clint: I don't like this dimension very much!

06.07.053

Gubbins: [Sheathing sword and looking around for a suitable escape route] Aye, Grumpy Bare here said he was a distraction so let's just leave - now! [To Clint] Nor do I. And I will like it even less when my own demons come to the fore!

06.07.054

Austin : [Gets up ready to run] Running away! A sane plan at last!

06.07.055

[Enter NIGHTMARE BARE, yet another Care Bare.]

Nightmare: Hi everyone!

Alice: Quick! [Looks around the fairly barren and empty park for somewhere to shelter] Let's hide in that Wendy House!


;;; For you foreigners, a Wendy House is a playhouse, basically a small

;;; house for kids

06.07.056

Charlie: [Attacks Nightmare, enraged] You horrid little thing!

06.07.055

Clint: Although feeding Bustin through a wood chipper would be an even better idea! Quick, where can we find one?

06.07.057

Clint: [Assists Charlie in dismembering the little freak.] Let's get this over with, Chuck! Painbow incoming!

06.07.058

Nightmare: [Smiles] Bring it on! [Lifts his shirt, showing a painbow that is increasing alarmingly]

Alice: [Looking out the window of the house] For God's sake! Get in here now!

06.07.059

Austin : [From the door of the house tries to shoot Nightmare. To the party] Hurry!

06.07.060

Charlie: [Drops the attack and tries to duck into the playhouse] That little homewrecking horror! How dare he misrepresent my darling husband in such a cruel way?!

06.07.061

Clint: [Reluctantly follows Charlie.] Screw that! He made up a fake Bustin, which is just over the line!

06.07.062

Harvey: [Also follows Charlie] Probably better than the real Bustin, but still a court-martial offence!

06.07.063

Alice: [So squashed that some of her zits pop] Yikes! It's all very tight in here!

[NIGHTMARE fires the painbow, but the party is protected by the house.]


;;; No posting tomorrow!

06.07.064

Charlie: What a handy little house! Now, Alice, why don't you cast the spell on me, then I shall be less vulnerable to the Painbow. [Evil smile] And then I shall rip that little fluffy nightmare into tiny pieces and give those pieces to Dur to eat--and later, defecate!

06.07.065

Harvey: Are you sure that's punishment enough? After all, he did subject us all to Bustin Jieber, what?

06.07.066

Charlie: [To Harvey, eagerly] Oh, I am quite open to further more painful and more humiliating suggestions! But we must act quickly. Surely this little house is not entirely Painbow-proof!

06.07.067

Alice: Oh! We could make Dur take off all his clothes and then laugh at him while he's defecating -- that's really going to humiliate him! Here, give me the spell.

06.07.068

Harvey: And it would be painful for the bare! We could also put the bare's todger in a floury bap and shout dinnertime, eh?

06.07.069

Gubbins: [Wincing at the thought of that last] I wasn't looking too closely but these bares don't appear to have [air quotes] 'todgers'. No external genitalia at all.

06.07.070

Last from David=20

Dur: Then perhaps we can sew one on and then humiliate him?

06.07.071

Austin : Why don't we just kill him, then kill his friends?

06.07.072

Harvey: [Disapprovingly] Private Scar, we do not cut corners in my troop. We are always willing to go the extra mile and increase a victim's suffering when such suffering is warranted. I mean, how would it look if we let these Care Bares off lightly by just allowing them to die, eh?

06.07.073

Gubbins: All right! All right! We'll kill him first and then have tea and biscuits.


;;; I have been waiting for one of these to show up! ;)

06.07.074

Alice: [To Harvey] It certainly wouldn't teach them a lesson! [Peers out the window] Uh oh. I think the Bare might have some friends!

06.07.075

Austin : [Carefully checks Maplin once more, obviously expecting the hair to have been a hallucination, but sees the hair again] Nooooo! [Bursts into tears]

06.07.076

Alice: Get a grip, Austin! Stop crying about Maplin -- look outside, we're surrounded by Care Bares, and they look angry. They are about to torture and kill us. That's what you should be crying about!

06.07.077

Charlie: [Quickly hands Alice the spell] Here, cast it on me, quick!

06.07.078

Austin : [Wailing] Let them kill us! Beauty died today!

06.07.079

Alice: Sure thing, Charlie! [Starts to read] Wait, what's that first word?

Clint: [Looks at the spell] The.

[Eventually ALICE gets the spell cast. As soon as she does, she slumps into the corner, grabbing her head as she does.]

Alice: Ow!


;;; Alice loses 30hp

06.07.080

Charlie: [Prepares to rush out and face the Bares] Stay back, group! I'll bring you back a tasty treat momentarily, Dur!

06.07.081

Dur: They're grrrrreat!

06.07.082

Alice: Huh. Is it really such a good idea for her to go out there by herself?

[CHARLIE is completely engulfed by the Painbow, and is thrown face first against a window of the house. There are at least forty BAREs here.]


;;; Charlie lose 23hp


;;; HPs: http://www.queens-view.com/hp.php


;;; Out for an hour

06.07.083

Austin : [To Alice] No, she is stupid and she will die [Sobbing, but tries to shoot some Bares]

06.07.084

Gubbins: [Looking around the inside of the playhouse] How sturdy is this thing? Do you think we could lift it up and manoeuvre it from the inside? Sort of like the turtle formation of those imperial soldiers. [Starts heaving at a support]

06.07.085

Charlie: [Tries to fight her way back to the playhouse] Take that, you horrid things!

06.07.086

[CHARLIE is about to be engulfed by Bares when GUBBINS shoves at the support, causing the entire house to move up. It slips forward a little and crashes into the melee, knocking some Bares out of the way, so that CHARLIE is now outside the front door and that the party can move the house around.]

06.07.087

Harvey: Excellent work, Private Gubbins! Now, together, troop, what? Forward!

06.07.088

Sebastian: [Looking impressed] Well that's one way to protect ourselves [Darts to the door and makes a grab for Charlie to pull her back inside, hopefully without being in view of the Care Bare's Painbow]


;;; Sorry I wasn't around today, well yesterday, guys, had to

unexpectedly go out

06.07.089

[SEBASTIAN pulls the door open and CHARLIE falls backwards into the house, before he slams it again. Meanwhile, GRUMPY BARE appears at one of the windows and gives a terrifying roar.]

Alice: I know! [Closes the curtains] Heh! Let's see him get past these! [To the others] What'll we do? Keep heading towards the town? You know, it's a pity the orb didn't just make us appear right there in the first place, isn't it?

06.07.090

Charlie: [To Sebastian, out of breath] Thank you! [To Alice] Until we get past these creatures, I don't see how we can continue! This spell hasn't done us much good so far, I must say.

06.07.091

Alice: I don't know, Charlie -- all Gertrude said is that it would help us, I don't think she said it would stop it from harming us completely. Imagine how bad it would be if we didn't have the spell! Go on, imagine! Quick!

06.07.091

Harvey: Indeed, this house seems to be the better protection, what?


;;; I'm sure we don't look silly wearing a Wendy house.

06.07.091

Sebastian: You're welcome sweety. And that's true, she did say it wouldn't give full protection. I wonder why their Painbows can only work outside in the open? Remember the first Bare said he couldn't cast his inside the house we appeared in? [Opens a window, but keeping out of view, and shouts at the Bares] IN THE NAME OF THE MOTHER I COMMAND THEE TO STOP THIS ATTACK AT ONCE. YOU KNOW THE CONQEQUENCES THAT WILL FALL UPON THIS REALM IF OUR YELLOW TIES GET DAMAGED! [To the party, quietly] Think that will work?


;;; Wouldn't be Queens View if we didn't look silly haha

06.07.092

Alice: Let's see! [Opens the curtains to see that Grumpy Bare is mooning the party through the window] Nope, I think it just made him madder.

[The party can see that the Bares are building a fire, but they are distracted by a huge explosion from the direction of the town.]

06.07.092

Gubbins: Keep in time now. To the small village! Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut!


;;; No cheap jokes about it being a Wendy house and not a hut, please!

06.07.093

Charlie: [Startled] What was that?! [Tries to peek out the window]

06.07.094

Alice: Gubbins said he thought we were in a hut!

[It's difficult to see what's going on, but the Bares are in a state of panic, and are heading towards the town at speed.]


;;; Sorry David!!

06.07.095

Sebastian: Maybe we should follow them? Without the [Smirks] hut?


;;; Couldn't resist

06.07.095

Dur: [Worriedly] Perhaps we should try to make it there first group!? It could be a potential ally or weapon we can use against these fiends.

06.07.096

Charlie: I don't think we can make it there first, but I quite agree--anything that alarms the Bares is potentially good for us. Perhaps we should try to make it to the town as quickly as we can, but without drawing further attention.

06.07.097

Gubbins: [Sets down the Wendy House support] Right, without the Wendy House then. Okay, Clint and I will take point. Alice, you and Charlie stay in the middle. You too, Seb. Harvey, you and Austin bring up the rear. Alright - move out!

06.07.098

Charlie: [To Gubbins, dismissively] Do be serious. I am in charge here. [Claps her hands briskly] Now, Mr. Scar, you and Coleridge take the lead. Alice and I shall follow behind, then Mr. Creed and Dur shall follow next. [To Harvey] Colonel, you and Austin will follow us. [To the party expectantly] You have your orders! Chop chop!

06.07.098

Harvey: I give the orders around here, Private Gubbins! Leave the Wendy House, Clint, Gubbins take point. Sebastien, Alice and Charlie in the centre, and Austin and I at the rear. Alright, move out!

06.07.099

Austin : [Smirking at Gubbins and Charlie] Yes sir!

06.07.100

Charlie: [To Austin] Thank you, but you needn't call me "sir." Dr. Parker-Kensington is sufficient.

06.07.100

Gubbins: !

06.07.101

Austin : [Laughs hysterically at Charlie] I was not talking to you, silly! [Pauses to catch his breath] Honestly Charlie, you are such a wheeze! [Mimics Charlie in a posh girly voice] "Dr. Parker-Kensington is sufficient."

06.07.102

Sebastian: Yes, the Doctor is the saviour of the realms, and we are just the travelling companions of the Doctor. Next there will be a big blue box called a STARDIS appearing from thin air while making a flushing sound [Chuckles away to himself] .


;;; STARDIS is a stolen idea, not one of mine. I used to staff Dr Who

conventions, and one year a port-a-loo cabin was used a prop, but it

got called a STARDIS instead of a TARDIS. My nose was split open by

the door via transport to the correct room of the hotel haha

06.07.103

Alice: Wow, Aus! Your voice sounds super deep all of a sudden!

[Everyone gets out of the house, and can see that the Bares are running towards the town, which has a moderately sized mushroom cloud over it.]

06.07.104

Austin : [Suprised. To Alice] Does it? Why would it do that? [Thinks, then carefully checks Maplin again]


;;;; any change?

06.07.105

Charlie: [Watching the mushroom cloud] That can't be good! Hurry, group! Let's go investigate.

06.07.106

Austin : [Frowns] Dont you mean 'That can't be good, hurry, let's run away to saftey"?

06.07.107

Charlie: [To Austin, with a laugh] Do be serious! We aren't safe anywhere in this dimension! [Cheerily] Come along, group.

06.07.108

Harvey: Control your fear private! We don't shy away from danger, what? No, we chuckle in the face of our enemies and giggle in the face of death. Now, move out!

06.07.108

Gubbins: There are *degrees* of safety, though. A huge explosion in a town full of Care Bares like that is less safe than, say, those peaceful rolling hills in the opposite direction.

06.07.109

Charlie: If we wanted to enjoy peaceful rolling hills, then we should have stayed home. I, for one, had planned to enjoy a rousing game of charades with my family this evening, followed by an even more rousing game of-- [flushes] but never mind that! We have a mission, Coleridge! Must the Colonel force you to do sit-ups in the mud?!

06.07.110

Harvey: [To Charlie] So does that mean that for you, charging into an exploding town full of Car Bares *is* the safe option, Private?

06.07.110

Gubbins: I will do sit-ups in the mud if and when I want to, Charlie! Despite what you all seem to think, I am not a soldier in your tiny army. [Nods to Clint then steps out of the house and moves off towards the village]

06.07.110


;;; Should have mentioned, I'll be offline for an hour or two.

06.07.111

Charlie: I don't believe we are safe anywhere in this dimension, Colonel. If the group does not wish to approach the town, then we won't. [Looks at the others] What do the rest of you suggest?

06.07.111


;;; Your hard-working GM has asked me to pause the game

;;; until Monday. He's stuck in meetings and not able to

;;; post. See all of you on Monday! : )

06.07.111


;;; I know the feeling!

06.07.112

Austin : Why don't we compromise, and approach the town with caution, possibly taking the house with us for protection?

06.07.113

Clint: [Shrugs.] Suuure, but if they blow us up, will this little house really help?


;;; Mostly just saying hi. Hopefully Conor got my email Monday - was away on

;;; the job hunt. Am back now. Glory!

06.07.114

Alice: Maybe we could attach some balloons to it and float over the town?

[Miraculously, AUSTIN's hair and ALICE's skin are quickly turning back to normal.]


;;; Sorry about the short notice on Friday, folks!

06.07.115

Charlie: [Skeptically] Have you any balloons? And helium?

06.07.116

Alice: No, but I have a bunch of extra large condoms and you lot are full of hot air. [Lowers her voice] Extra large because Deuce is, well, huuuuuge.

06.07.117

Charlie: [Raises an eyebrow at Alice] You do recall that I have actually seen this organ, do you not? I would classify it as perfectly average in length and girth, based on my own understanding of male physiology. Though, of course, it isn't as if I've done extensive formal study into this area, and it probably isn't fair to compare his to Pest-- [catches herself and stops] Oh, Alice, really! Haven't we more important things to discuss just now?!


;;; Reliably lowering the tone of the conversation for over 7 years!

06.07.117

Austin : [Gasping in relief as his beautiful hair comes back, checks Maplin cautiously. Relieved] Ahh! We are saved!

06.07.118

Austin : Indeed this is. Do either of you have some Vitale Bassoon hair spray, I am in dire need.


;;; nothing that can't be fixed :)

06.07.118

Alice: [Shrugs] Hey, just because Ace couldn't get excited about you in the same way he does about me doesn't mean anything. What's important is that I have these huge balloon like condoms. [Holds up a few packs of condoms with "Sehr Klein" written on them] They're imported, you know.


;;; Reliably taking it too far for 17!!

06.07.118

Gubbins: In a world where fears and insecurities manifest themselves in vicious ways, I really don't think we should be talking about the relative sizes of male primary sexual characteristics!

06.07.119

Alice: Aw, poor Gubsy -- got a little lad, eh? Don't worry about it, not everyone can be a Deuce.

06.07.119

Harvey: Nonesense, Private! What could possibly go wrong?

06.07.120

Alice: [Starts passing out the condoms] Come on, everyone, let's blow them up. [Starts on one] Mm! Strawberry!

06.07.121

Sebastian: That we are all asked to get ours out so Charlie can compare us to Pestilence? [Grimaces] Anyway, I think you have more hot air in you Alice than the rest of us combined [grins] ten-fold [chuckles] . Why don't we just forget the house and run to the town? But go through the trees to stay out of sight instead of taking the path which the Bares are on?


;;; Sorry for the absence on Friday. Replys may be sparse over the

next week. Unexpected circumstances arose this morning.

06.07.121


;;; oh and happy birthday Conor :D

06.07.122

Alice: Sure, we could do that if you just want to get to the town, but if you want to float in there in style, Seb, if you want to be classy, then it's really hard to beat constructing an airship out of a children's playhouse and five hundred assorted ribbed and flavoured condoms.


;;; Thanks Drew!

06.07.123

Austin : [Considers Alice's proposition] She does have a point. However, I think I shall walk.


;;;; oooh ooh, HAPPY BIRTHDAY Mr Ryan :)

06.07.124

Harvey: Indeed, we could probably be there by the time we complete such a contraption. However, the value of confusing your enemy with a flying playhouse cannot be underestimated, what?


;;; Inexplicably, I now feel slightly less old :)

06.07.125

Charlie: To say nothing of the fact that simply inflating condoms will not make them buoyant!

06.07.126

Harvey: Perhaps. [Raises an eyebrow at Charlie] I defer to expert in matters concerning the construction of contraceptive devices.

06.07.127

Charlie: [Modestly] Thank you, Colonel. I believe it is important to approach all aspects of one's life with a true spirit of exploration and experimentation! Now, shall we simply walk?

06.07.128

Gubbins: Shanks' pony it is, then. [Starts off towards the town, keeping to whatever cover there is]

06.07.129

Alice: Wa-alk? Ugh!

[Exit ALL, heading towards the town.]


;;; End of scene, next one coming riiiight up!

06.07.129

Dur: However, the one downside of our new plan is that it relies on all of us being stealthy... No a trait we all share!=

06.08.001

[Book VIII, Act VI, Scene VIII. Outside the town. ALICE, AUSTIN, CHARLIE, CLINT, DUR, GUBBINS, HARVEY and SEBASTIAN are here, carefully making their way along. There has been an enormous explosion in the middle of the town, and the streets are littered with bits of felt and stuffing.]

Alice: What the hell has happened here?

06.08.002

Charlie: Maybe the Baring meter exploded? [Scans the area curiously]

06.08.003

Dur: Perhaps it was a YTG suicide bomber?

06.08.004

[Enter GRUMPY BARE, coming from the direction of the fire, leaving a trail of stuffing behind him.]

Grumpy: Help! Help! [Runs passed the party]


;;; Out for 1.5 hours!

06.08.005

Dur: So... The enemy of our enemy is our friend?

06.08.006

[Enter SVEN GORING, covered in blood and fluff, wielding a huge sword.]

Sven: [Calling after Grumpy] Hah! Keep running, friend! [Gives the party a big wink] Hey guys!

Alice: [To Dur] Huh. More like our friend is the enemy of the enemy!

06.08.007

Charlie: [To the party, in a low voice] How awkward! That man Pestilence [delicately] questioned suggested that Sven is a spy! I wonder what this means?!

06.08.007

Clint: Haw! Cut the little twerp in half, Sven! [Goes to do just that.] It's time for... round 2!

06.08.008

Harvey: By the Saints! Perhaps he's a double agent. Or even a [lowers his voice] triple agent?

06.08.009

Charlie: [In a hushed voice] Agreed, who knows what twists and turns we shall face! For now, we appear to be on the same side, but everyone be alert! [Wryly] I know it is hard to believe, but if there's one thing at which Pestilence excels, it is torture!

06.08.010

Dur: [Dryly] Really? THAT's what you think we find hard to believe?

06.08.011

Clint: You know eggheads, Doc. They don't think like normal people!

06.08.011

Harvey: Indeed. If you'd said that Pestilence enjoys ballet dancing wearing a pink tutu, perhaps we might find *that* hard to believe.

06.08.012

Charlie: No, no, no! I meant the bit about Sven's double-dealings is hard to believe. I know you are all well-acquainted with my husband's rather more notorious talents.

06.08.013

Alice: [Nods at Harvey's words] I know! What are the chances she'd find two guys like that? [Pause] Er, I mean, yeah, that would be really weird.

[CLINT chases after GRUMPY and knocks him down. Within a few moments, he and SVEN have him chopped into stuffing.]

Sven: Haw! I love the smell of Care Bare stuffing in the morning! [Looks at the party] What's with the ties?

06.08.014

Charlie: [Smiles at Sven] Oh, just a bit of fun--you know, team spirit, that sort of thing! We didn't expect to see you here, Sven!

06.08.015

Sebastian: I thought he did wear a pink tutu? [Grins at Charlie] As for Sven, if the plan was for us to come here, then why did Sven come here? [Looks at Sven suspiciously, which is unusual for Sebastian] Don't think he really is a spy for the YTG's and he's here on business for them do you? [Looks at the first in town and raises his voice for Sven to hear] Hey Sven! That fire your handy work?

06.08.016

Clint: It damn well better be! Whoever set it is doing Phili's work!

06.08.017

Austin : [Casually attending to Maplin] Perhaps it was simply someone who likes bombs? Or perhaps it was an accident. [Smiles lovingly at Maplin as he caresses some extra virgin olive oil into him]


;;; sorry for the low post rate, hectic here right now

06.08.018

Sven: Haw! It was us! The Knights! [Looks around the party] So, you're not spies for the YTGs?

Alice: Of course we are! For the Mother and all that!


;;; Out most of the morning!!

06.08.019

Charlie: Ye-es, that's who we are now! [Wags her tie at Sven. To the party] Right, group?

06.08.020

Harvey: Indeed, yellow is now our favourite colour, what?

06.08.021

Austin : [To Sven] No we are not spies. Do you really think that I would join a group that wore yellow ties [Grimaces at his yellow tie] This is a disguise. Of sorts.

06.08.022

Sven: Excellent! Well done guys! Come on, we've just destroyed the Baring Meter.

Alice: Hey! I'm confused! I thought we were supposed to be doing that?

06.08.023

Gubbins: Alice, I think we are all confused but I would hazard a guess that we were, in fact, sent here to act as decoys to allow the attack on the Baring Meter.

06.08.024

Austin : [Agreeing with Gubbins] You will get used to it eventually.

06.08.025

Alice: No way! That can't be true! [To Sven, indignantly] Tell them it's not true!

Sven: [With a sheepish grin] It's not true.

06.08.026

Austin : [Consoles Alice with a cuddle] It doesn't really matter, we are still heros, and they could not have done it without us. We had the most dangerous mission really. [Sighs] I think the Anti-Painbow spell may also have been a ruse.

06.08.027

Charlie: [To Sven, offended] How dare you use us in this way! I was very nearly killed!

06.08.028

Austin : [Rolls his eyes] As if you didn't know!

06.08.028

Gubbins: [Purses lips in a thoughtful and offended moue, folds his arms defensively and stands upright behind Charlie, waiting for Sven's response]

06.08.029

Clint: Hey, saving the world's a dangerous business, Chuck! The important thing is that you didn't get killed, right?

06.08.030

Sven: [Nods] Yeah, what he said. And you know, I think the Painbow spell did work -- if it didn't, you'd all be dead now. Except those struck by it, you'd wish you were dead.

06.08.031

Harvey: Well, the important thing is that we won, eh? [Thinks] Um, we did win, didn't we?

06.08.032

Clint: We beat the stuffing out of 'em!

06.08.033

Charlie: [Uncertainly] Well, I suppose we can all go home now, then? [To Sven] And what will you do next?

06.08.034

Dur: That was easy!

06.08.032

Harvey: [Gasps] Doctor, you are right! It was easy! [Eyes narrow] A little *too* easy...

06.08.035

Sven: Oh, I'll take care of the Baring Meter. You guys can go on home.

06.08.036

Gubbins: [Unconvinced] Hmm. Much as I would like to go home, we were tasked with destroying this Baring Meter. We should probably take a look to make sure it's out of commission.

06.08.037

Sven: [Laughs] Haw! I love it! A man bent on destruction!

06.08.037

Dur: I agree. I think you should take us with you Sven.

06.08.038

Sven: Of course, of course! [Takes out an orb] I know a great bar with some really, really sassy wenches!

06.08.039

Charlie: [Looks at the orb dubiously] Why do we need that to take us to the Baring Meter? Surely it is quite nearby?

06.08.040

Clint: Hmm... [Starts looking around suspiciously for another Bare.]

06.08.041

Sebastian: [To Sven] Hold on just one second [looks at him suspiciously] one moment you are saying you've just destroyed the Baring meter, now you are saying we can go home and take care of it? If it's already destroyed then what is there to take care of?


;;; Sorry for the late entry yet again

06.08.042

Sven: Haw! The suspicion! The questions! I love it! Are you guys battle hardened or what? I thought you wanted to go home -- that's what the orb is for. If you want to see the Baring Meter, well, [gives a big smile] if you can stand the sight of a hundred dead Bares, stained with their own tears, blood, sweat and, one case, semen, then come with me! [Turns to head towards where the fire is, but stops and looks back with a serious expression] Unfortunately, there's nothing left for us to kill, but maybe there'll be some loose masonry that'll add an element of danger!


;;; And there we must pause for a week! Next post on Thursday 16th!

06.08.043

Alice: [To the party] Do we really think Sven is lying to us? Come on! This is Sven!

06.08.044

Harvey: [Aghast] Sven, lying to us? By the saints, that's unthinkable! [Dramatically] Oh, the betraaayaaal! [Recovers] Oh well can't be helped I suppose. We should probably get down to executing him as a traitor and move on, what?

06.08.044

Austin : Exactly! I don't even care if he is lying, he is still a great guy! [Smiles and give Sven a hug] Let us go and peruse this Bareing meter. I would love to see it.

06.08.045

Charlie: Indeed, I should like to make a sketch of it for an upcoming article on Care Bares!

06.08.046

Sven: [Returns Austin's hug, almost squeezing the life out of him] Haw! That's what I like to hear. [To Charlie] A sketch would be great, but only if I'm posing in it showing off my best side!

[SVEN leads the party through some streets, with them carefully tiptoeing over dead Bares, until eventually they come to a huge pile of rubble that has all sorts of cogs and wheels in it, and face and hands somewhat reminiscent of a clock.]

Sven: Watcha think? Wanna give it a kick?

06.08.047

Charlie: [Cluelessly prods at the cogs with a stick, Dur style] Er, most interesting! Yes, I suppose this must be the Baring Meter, then! [Whips out a notepad and makes a quick, rough sketch of the pile]

06.08.048

Sven: Look guys, I owe you an apology, and I know you must be mad at me, but I'm sorry, okay? Can you forgive ol' Sven?

06.08.049

Harvey: Well, I suppose that depends - do you happen to have any honeyed golden locusts? I'm famished!

06.08.049

Gubbins: [Still suspicious] Forgive you for what?

06.08.050

Sven: For spoiling all your fun and destroying the Baring Meter before you got here, of course! [To Harvey] What kind of reckless and foolhardy adventurer would I be to venture out without them, Harv? [Stuffs his hand in his pocket and fishes out a fistful for Harvey]

06.08.051

Austin : [To Sven] Of course we forgive you! It was only a silly old Bareing meter after all.

06.08.052

Harvey: [Munching on some locusts] And he did bring supplies, what?

06.08.053

Sven: Haw! The best friends a man could have! Next time, my friends, you're the ones who get to do the wanton destruction!

06.08.054

Charlie: Yes, and do avoid using us as pawns in future, if you would!

06.08.055

Dur: I'd rather be pawns than fodder [looking around at the destruction] . At least we are making it our alive.=

06.08.056

Sven: Haw! That's the spirit! [Grabs Dur in a headlock and ruffles his hair] Okay, guys, I gotta go.

[SVEN throws his orb on the ground a shimmering surface appears, into which he jumps. Seconds later, it all disappears.]

Alice: Well! Job well done, I say!

06.08.057

Charlie: [Skeptically] I would say, job barely done at all! [Giggles] Barely!

06.08.057

Dur: Ummm... He wasn't our ride home was he?

06.08.058

Alice: Don't be rid, Dur. We have our own orb that he gave us back in our own dimension. [Gives Charlie a puzzled look] You know, for a minute there I thought you said Bearly, that would have been very funny, seeing as how they were [stagily] Bares and all. [Gives the party a huge grin, clearly expecting applause]

06.08.059

Sebastian: [Gives a sarcastic applause to Alice] Very good, very good [Smirks at Charlie] . So, are we heading back home now?

06.08.060

Alice: [Huge smile at Sebastian] Aw! Thanks Seb! That's really nice! [To Charlie] Okay, throw out the orb, unless you've managed to lose it!


;;; Alice has the orb!

06.08.061

Charlie: [Makes a big deal of checking her pockets. To Alice, in a stilted voice] Oh, dear. I did lose it. I do hope by some miracle you found it?

06.08.062

Clint: Typical egghead! So wrapped up in drawing pictures of random crap that they forget about our ride home!


;;; It's true, believe me!

06.08.062

Alice: It's lucky for you I did! [Throws it onto the ground] Wow, I can't believe how well that worked out. I think everything is going to be just super great from now on, there isn't even the teeny tiniest speck of a possibility of a cloud in the sky!

[The orb forms a shimmering surface just like SVEN's, and everyone leaps in.]


;;; End of Book VIII, Act VI, next one coming right up!