05.01.001

[Book VIII, Act V, Scene I. The Clearing. ALICE, AUSTIN, CHARLIE, CLINT, DUR, MAC and HARVEY are here, all sound asleep. The party had been on their way from Apraxia (at the end of 8.3) to Queens View and had stopped for the night. It is now broad daylight.]

Alice: [Waking up] No! My hair! My beautiful hair! [Checks her hair] Phew! [Looks around] Hey everyone! Wake up! We've way overslept!


;;; Unless you've already heard otherwise from me, your character remembers

;;; everything from the last act as though it was the most vivid dream they've

;;; ever had.

05.01.002

Dur: [Sits up still smiling] What a terrible nightmare. I dreamed I was actually related to all of you...

05.01.003

Charlie: [Jolts awake with a start] Oh! I was just having the MOST peculiar dream! [Looks around] You were all in the dream, which is most unusual. Typically, I dream about--ah, Dur, did you say we were all related in YOUR dream?

05.01.004

Alice: Hey! You were all in my dream, too!

05.01.005

Dur: [Finally stops smiling] Please Alice, we don't want to know. [To Charlie] That is the way I remember it...=

05.01.006

Charlie: [To Dur and Alice] Were there dragons in your dreams? And was there a princess?

05.01.007

Harvey: Hmm, I believe there was.

05.01.008

Alice: Yes! In mine too! And Mac and me were best friends!

Mac: Yeaaah. Mine was a little different.

05.01.009

Clint: And the lawyer had a nose the size of broom handle? And Harvey was [shudders and doesn't finish the sentence.]

05.01.010

Austin : [Checks his nose as soon as he wakes up. Closes his eyes and sighs in relief] I just had the worst nightmare!

05.01.011

Clint: Did it involve Charlie as a porn star, by any chance?

05.01.012

Charlie: [Forces a laugh] Oh, Mr. Scar! You do have the most inappropriate sense of humor! [Briskly] But what can this mean? We all shared another dream, like the one we had about Clementine?

05.01.013

Austin : [Still checking his nose. To Clint] Charlie? A porn star [Laughs] It sounds as though you had a far worse nightmare than I did.

05.01.014

Clint: It was horrible!

05.01.015

Mac: [To no one in particular] In yours was I perchance rather small?

05.01.016

Austin : [Chuckling] Yes, you were about 4 inches tall, Harvey was prancing about naked, Charlie was a kitchen waif, all covered in soot and dressed in rags, Alice was absolutely delightful, a pretty little girl with golden locks [frowns] but I was made of wood, just like Pinocchio.

05.01.017

Harvey: [Recovering] Um, I was... naked...? [Looks down to check he's not naked now]

05.01.018

Clint: It was horrible!

05.01.019

Alice: [Nods] Very wrinkly. [To Mac] You sure were, and in my dream we were BFF. It was great!

05.01.019

Charlie: [Excited] Yes, but it must MEAN something, don't you think? [Ponders] Perhaps we should find Pestilence? He was involved with helping Darius send us the last dream we all shared. Perhaps he knows something about this?

05.01.020

Harvey: Hmmm, well clearly I was not naked - I simply don't do that kind of thing. [Emphasis] Obviously, I was clothed and my clothing was so fantastic that everyone else was unable to see it. Um.

05.01.020

Alice: Oh, God. You now, Charlie, not everything is about Pestilence! Let's see, what else did we have? Clint was a disgusting, smelly monster, and Harvey was naked. [Thinks] I don't understand -- I mean, in the dream, I was adorable and loved by everyone, kind of how it is in real life, and Clint was almost as stinky in the dream as in real life, but what could the others mean?

05.01.021

Charlie: There's no point in denying it, Colonel. You were quite naked, but clearly enchanted to believe you were clothed. Just as I was clearly a perfectly normal, though extraordinarily bright and courageous, woman of high moral standards under certain unpleasant misapprehensions about my [delicately clears her throat] career choices.

05.01.022

Alice: So, you had a different dream to the rest of us, Charlie?

05.01.022

Mac: Perhaps you can all stop trying to make yourselves look good in a bloody dream and we can try and figure this all out?


;;; Out for a couple of hours.

05.01.023

Alice: [Nods] Well said, Mac! We shouldn't waste our time trying to figure out which of us had the most beautiful golden locks, rather we should concentrate on what it means for someone to have had beautiful golden locks. [Enthusiastically] Hey! Wouldn't I look great with ringlets?

05.01.024

Harvey: [In the most condescending manner possible] Of course you would, my dear. [To the others] Of course, if the rest of you think I was naked -- preposterous idea! -- perhaps we didn't all have the same dream after all.

05.01.025

Charlie: [To Harvey] We DID have the same dream, and the only other time time that happened, it was related to Clementine. [To Alice, with a haughty sniff] Which is why I mentioned my perfectly reasonable theory. [To the group] If this dream was meant to be symbolic, as the last one was, what could the various elements mean? For example, why was Mr. Sleaze made of wood? What is the significance of that?

05.01.026

Harvey: And why did his nose keep growing every time someone lied? Perhaps that was punishment for Austin being a lawyer, what?

05.01.027

Alice: That's right! You know -- and I'm sure this isn't true of Austin, of course -- lawyers often lie! And Dur, could he have been a Hansel type? After all, he is always eating! I guess I was Goldilocks because of my beautiful hair.

05.01.027

Austin : [Huffily] I am a lawyer, and a very respectable one too! Why would some one punish me for being a good lawyer?

05.01.028

Charlie: Mm. Why indeed? And why was Harvey naked? Someone wished to [finger quotes] expose him, so to speak?

05.01.029

Dur: [Frowning] I was hoping not to revisit that particular 'part' of our dream.=

05.01.030

Harvey: [To Austin] A respectable laywer? I had no idea that such a thing was possible. [To the others, firmly] I was not naked, I was fully clothed. It's only in your rather bizarre minds that I was in a state of undress. Speaking of which, how goes the military themed pornography business, Charlie?

05.01.031

Alice: [Amused at Austin's indignation] Why indeed, Austin? Why would who ever gave you this dream make you a wooden boy known for his lies, while they made me a beautiful young girl known only for her delightful hair?

05.01.032

Mac: Alice, I hate to break it to you but she's more commonly known for breaking into a house, stealing food and then having the gall to sleep in the beds of the home owners.

05.01.033

Austin : [To Alice] Because I am honest, unlike some people.

05.01.034

Alice: [To Mac] Pshaw! When you put it like that, you make her sound like she's always jumping in and out of people's beds! [Thinks for a moment] Although, my underpants did keep falling down, and... hey! This is the worst thing ever! [Gives a smile] Although, my hair did look really nice. [Looks at Austin] Oh. Sure.

05.01.029

Charlie: Hmm, it does seem rather fitting, after all! [Looks at Mac] But why were you so small, I wonder?


;;; What a gyp! I was left off the last five or six game e-mails.

;;; And here I thought it was just a really quiet day! : |

05.01.035

left off the list blinded her)

Alice: He is the youngest of all of us, right? Even though I clearly look younger.


;;; The first thing is true, the second? Weeeeell....!

05.01.036

Charlie: [Raises an eyebrow at Alice] Right. [Ponders] And why would I be an underemployed urchin? Someone is clearly jealous of me and my tremendous career success in our waking reality. [Snaps her fingers] It must be that accursed Dr. Rourke-Burke!!


;;; I see.

05.01.036

Austin : Well we all appear to have been cast in the characters that someone else sees us as. But who? [Gets uo and looks around, dusting himself off] And why did we sleep here?

05.01.037

Alice: Charlie! For the last time, not everything is about Pestilence!

[There's an awkward silence.]

Alice: Er, but anyway. What about the things that happened to us in the dream? Maybe we might have more success trying to understand those?

05.01.038

Alice: We slept here because it was getting late, although we seem to have slept through most of the day! Now, what else happened in the dream? We were children of that weird lady with the big shoe, right?

05.01.039

Charlie: [To Alice] That's right, though highly improbable! How could the same woman give birth to both wooden and flesh children?! [To Austin] That's quite an interesting idea, but who?

05.01.040

Alice: That's right -- maybe the dragons represented someone too? And the princess, of course -- or was that princesses?

05.01.041

Harvey: Hmm. Were the dragons related to the princesses in some way?


;;; Oh darn. I swear I left my brain at home today!

05.01.042

Alice: I think the yellow one was the baddie, and the black one did seem to help -- at least, it protected us twice.


;;; Same as every other day, then!!!

05.01.043

Charlie: [Nods] Yes, I had a peculiar feeling the black dragon wouldn't hurt us, somehow. But was there a correspondence between the dark-haired princess and the black dragon, and the golden-haired princess and yellow dragon?

05.01.044

Harvey: And were we not supposed to rescue a princess while we were there? Is it possible that the dark haired princess was the one we were supposed to rescue?


;;; Gee, thanks Conor! I feel soooo much better now :P

05.01.045

Charlie: I assume so, but the dream more or less ended before we had a chance to properly rescue her, didn't it? [Frowns] Someone must be manipulating us somehow. It's just not possible that we'd all coincidentally have the same dream.

05.01.046

Alice: The dark haired one was wearing the tiara, so I guess she was the princess, but if that's true, then the dragons couldn't have been the princesses, as the yellow one was supposed to have kidnapped the princess. Anyhow, the other girl who was asleep didn't have yellow hair, she had blonde hair. I believe the shade was Frosted Blonde.

05.01.047

Clint: Okay, but what about that weird lion and the glove and the rude flower? What could those possibly mean? And those bears we ripped to shreds?

05.01.048

Austin : [Casually checking his nails] Well, we are probably not going to find out if we stand around here all day. Why don't we get going. Colonel, where next?

05.01.049

Harvey: Well I don't know about the rest of you, but I'm famished, what? Let's eat!

05.01.050

Clint: Sure. Just... stay away from the magic beans!

05.01.051

Charlie: Fine, let us have a bit to eat, but we really must try to understand what just happened to us! What if we fall asleep again? Who's to say we won't sleep forever and be trapped in that strange world?

05.01.052

Alice: Agreed! I like eating food as much as the next man [looks at Harvey] well, almost as much, but we can't just ignore this either! The lion definitely played a big part, although it was really his ghost, I suppose, or [waves her fingers mysteriously] his spirit.


;;; Tony has left! Please make sure he's off the list.

05.01.053

Clint: [Trying to remember.] What were the symbols the last time this happened?


;;; I've just plum forgot, as you might say here in Texas but probably

shouldn't.

;;; I have this vaaaaague recollection of something symbolizing nobility that

;;; might even have been a lion. Or I could be imagining things.

05.01.054

Charlie: The last dream was a burning dove, and nothing more. Nothing so complex and absurd as this dream!

05.01.055

Alice: Although this one did have a burning *glove*!

05.01.056

Charlie: [Excited] That's it! It all relates to Pestilence! [Flustered] I mean, the PROPHECY! The bit about the spirit of a lion, and [vaguely] something about a tree with no thorns. . . . Er, did someone keep a copy of it handy?

05.01.057

Alice: As a matter of fact, I did! Here we go. [Shows the party a badly written transcript of the prophecy] The fruit of the tree (the Realms) that has no thorns will be consumed by the devil. The Children of the Lady (that's us) who gave birth to the guardian (reference to us creating Phili) Create the spirit of the lion through the death of the dove. Well, it was a glove and not a dove, but it did create a kind of spirit from the lion, right?

05.01.058

Charlie: [Studies the prophecy] Hmm, it does fit, doesn't it? The dragon, whom one could argue is a devil-like creature, consumed the golden fruit from that tree. Interesting, but why would someone force us to decode the prophecy again? And in so silly a way? And what on earth is THAT? [Points to a small crayoned drawing in the corner of Alice's copy of the prophecy]

05.01.058

Austin : Yes, it was a rather odd dream after all. Like our own personal prophecy. [Ponders] I guess that makes us prophets. [Smirks] Could come in handy.

Hey Guys,

I'm sorry to say that I'm going to be leaving Queens View, at least for the time being. Having just got this new job my time for QV has dropped dramatically and I can't justify staying in the game without being able to dedicate the time required to it during the day.

I've asked Conor to have Mac leave alive so there is always a possibility for me to return, and once things start to settle down a bit I hope to be able to.

It's been great fun playing with you guys. Hard to believe that I joined back in February. Seems like it was only yesterday.

All the best, Tony

05.01.059

Harvey: Indeed, it is rather an odd way of getting us to do something, what?


;;; Sorry to hear of Tony's departure.

05.01.060

Charlie: Yes, and for what purpose? Is someone trying to get us to revisit the prophecy, perhaps? Or complain about the role we played in it?

05.01.061

Austin : Perhaps the prophecy has not been completed yet? Who or what was the lion?


;;; haste ye back Tony!

05.01.062

Alice: [Looks at the crayon drawing, then, sounding annoyed] It's a picture of a cat -- playing a violin -- while on a unicycle -- at the top of the Eyeful Tower. [Huffily] I would have thought it was obvious.

Mac: Er, sure. It seems like someone was replaying the way the prophecy played out. Although with some mistakes -- such as the glove, that kind of thing. Whoever gave us the dream knows what we did to Clementine, and that has to be a very small number of people, right? [Looks around] And someone who thinks they know us well.

Alice: [Looks at the drawing again] Oh, my mistake. It's a picture of Deucie!

05.01.063

Charlie: [Looks around at the party] Who did each of you tell about the prophecy, and our role in completing it?

05.01.064

Dur: [Looks thoughtful] I didn't realize there was going to be a test on itlater, so I have forgotten!=

05.01.065

Alice: [Defensively] I didn't tell Deuce anything!

05.01.066

Harvey: I don't think I was with you guys the first time around, so I didn't tell anyone.


;;; I was Jerrick then, right?

05.01.067

Mac: [To Alice] Really?

Alice: Well, I might have mentioned one or two details to him, but he's not exactly going to be giving us dreams about fairy tales, is he?


;;; Correct!

05.01.068

Charlie: [Raises an eyebrow] No? He can be rather whimsical at times. Though if this was an experiment of some kind, he surely would have mentioned it to ME at some stage.

05.01.069

Alice: I don't think Deuce necessarily tells you about all his experiments, Charlie. I mean, I bet you don't know about the one with the ice cubes, do you?


;;; Out for an hour or so

05.01.070

Charlie: Mercifully, no. [To the others] I admit that I told Pestilence everything that happened. [Defensively] But, to be fair, he's the one who brought the prophecy to us in the first place.

05.01.071

Dur: This is true. Who else was with us while we tried to get the prophecy translated? Didn't Deuce help with that too?=

05.01.072

Austin : There was also that chap that was living with Pestillence, his chef. I don't recall his name but he was rather jealous of us.

05.01.073

Content-Type: text/plain; charset=us-ascii

Alice: Loads of people helped us with the translation! Deuce is one of the good guys. As true and faithful as they come. [To Austin] You're thinking of S= heldon. He was weird, but I don't think he knew the full prophecy.=20 --Apple-Mail-2-735482106 Content-Transfer-Encoding: 7bit

05.01.074

Charlie: True, we only knew the full prophecy ourselves just before we faced Clementine. Did anyone else discuss the full prophecy with anyone outside of the party, Deuce, and Pestilence?

05.01.074

Austin : Well, unfortunately the most obvious candidate is Trindle. Is that not the case?

05.01.075

Harvey: Eh? That Jerome fellow? [To Charlie] Weren't you married to him?

05.01.076

Charlie: No, but your niece was once engaged to him, I believe. Well, if Jerome is behind this, what could possibly be his aim?

05.01.077

Harvey: Alice? Oh, well if Alice was engaged to him then I'm sure he's a fine fellow and nothing to do with this business, what? [To Alice] Why did you two not get married then?

05.01.078

Austin : It was probably just as well. He did murder my fiancee.

05.01.079

Alice: [Nods gravely] True, Austin. That sort of behaviour does not a good marriage make. [To Harvey] I don't know what happened to him. He became consumed by his work, and soon hardly bought me any nice things at all. In the end I had to break up with him. I think it was for the best. [Thinks] Although, after that he did go on a murderous rampage, killing all of us at least once, as well as poor old Lucy on her and Austin's wedding day, not to mention the tens of thousands of people who were killed when he and Dangsten tried to take over the world. [Sighs] I guess life without Alice is tough.

Mac: Er, sure, that must have been it. Jerome does seem to have spies everywhere, and his Interferons did actually help us when we were on the way to stop Clementine. If it was him, though, what was he trying to tell us?

05.01.080

Last from

Harvey: [Quite shocked] Well perhaps it was for the best then - clearly he was neglecting you and that just deserves a damn good thrashing! [Dismissively ] Oh, and killing Austin's fiancee on their wedding day just isn't really polite is it, what?

05.01.081

Alice: It was a whole lot worse than not polite, Harvey!


;;; No posting tomorrow, gah! Back to normal on Thursday

05.01.082

Clint: You might even call it evil!


;;; Just thought I'd kick things off.

05.01.083

Mac: Not cool, Harvey!


;;; Good!

05.01.083

Charlie: [Uncomfortably] Indeed, though one prefers to avoid such labels!

05.01.084

Clint: Only if one is married to a demon-type person with anger management problems.

05.01.085

Charlie: [Eagerly changing the subject] In any case, have we considered that HARMA could be behind these dreams? They are the ones making magic use impossible. Perhaps they had someone enchant us?

05.01.086

Clint: [Dubious] Why would those freaks want to do that, Sarge? Other than for the laughs, I mean.

05.01.087

Harvey: Perhaps to confuse and misdirect us, what?

05.01.087

Charlie: Well, we did thwart them in Apraxia, after all. And the dream did knock us flat for a time. Perhaps the images themselves actually meant nothing, but the dream was an attack of sorts?


;;; That's probably my three! Also, out for an hour or so.

05.01.088

Alice: And it did serve to confuse us! [Uneasily] Do we think that HARMA know what happened with Clementine?

05.01.089

Charlie: [Raises an eyebrow at Alice] Well, the only one who knows about what happened with Clementine and has a connection to HARMA is Deuce. So, perhaps the question is, do YOU think HARMA knows anything?

05.01.090

Alice: [Annoyed] If they do, they found out themselves, because Deucie would never tell them. He doesn't even like them! In fact, he calls the Whorema!0

[The party can see someone in the distance, running towards them.]

05.01.091

Charlie: [To Alice] Mm. [Spots the runner] Perhaps we'd better get out of sight before this madman/madwoman is upon us!


;;; That's my three!

05.01.092

Harvey: Perhaps this person might know something about the dreams? We should ambush and interrogate them.

05.01.092

Austin : [To Charlie] You gave us all the distinct impression that you enjoyed madmen upon you? That might even be the same madman!

05.01.093

Dur: Must we ambush and interrogate everyone we meet for the first time? I'm starting to think you have a fetish Colonel!

05.01.094

Alice: [To Austin] Huh?

Mac: Perhaps we could just ask the man about the dreams? And also, if we can see him, he can probably see us, so, unless he's a complete idiot, there's no point in hiding.

05.01.095

Austin : [To Alice] What? Pestillence is a madman. He kills people randomly. That's pretty much mad to most people!

05.01.096

Charlie: [To Austin, haughtily] He does NOT kill people randomly. In fact, he doesn't kill anyone, anymore.

05.01.094

Alice: And you think that this guy running towards us is Pestilence?

05.01.097

[The party can see that the person running towards them is wearing a HARMA uniform.]

05.01.098

Harvey: Gah! HARMA! Perhaps we should make a tactical withdrawal, eh?

05.01.099

Alice: If he is HARMA, then he probably is an idiot, so maybe there's no need! Anyway, he is by himself.

05.01.098

Austin : [To Alice] Only if he has started using the same tailor as the HARMA.

05.01.099

Dur: Do we really have to hide from 1 meager HARMA officer? I rather thought we could take him.=

05.01.100

Harvey: You mean we should... ambush and interrogate him?

05.01.101

Austin : [To Harvey] Yes, colonel, I believe he does.

05.01.102

Alice: [To Austin] I'm starting to think you're getting a bit pre-occupied with Pestilence and Charlie, Aus, although, I must admit, I'm not sure which of them you're jealous of! Come on, let's hide!

[Although the HARMA officer is now quite close, the party all hide behind a convenient rock. As he gets closer, they see that it is BARRY GOODBAR, a HARMA officer that they have dealt with previously. He looks terrified, and doesn't look as though he's going to stop, in spite of the party's careless and obvious trap.]

05.01.103

Charlie: [Whispering to the others] I wonder why he's so afraid?!

05.01.104

Dur: Lets ask him! [Tries to leap out to tackle Barry as he passes]

05.01.105

Alice: Hang on, let me work on my scary face. [Takes out a compact and tries out a few scary expressions.]

[DUR and CLINT leap out and tackle BARRY, knocking him to the ground.]

Alice: Hey! I wasn't ready!

Barry: No! Please! Let me go!

05.01.106

Charlie: Well done, Dur! [To Barry] Why were you fleeing in terror?

05.01.107

Austin : [To Barry] And no fibbing!

05.01.108

Barry: Because I was terrified!

[The party form a huddle to discuss his answer.]

Alice: I think he might be truthin'. [Looks up at him and asks sternly] Really?

Barry: [Nods] Really!

05.01.109

Harvey: Hmmm, right... [To Barry, sternly] And what were you terrified of? Speak up man!

05.01.110

Austin : [Impatiently} Well? We do not have all day you know! Tell us all.

05.01.110


;;; Hi, everyone! Conor has been unexpectedly pulled into an

;;; all-day work thing, and he asked me to pause the game.

;;; We'll return to normal gaming on Monday. Have a good

;;; weekend, guys!

05.01.111

Barry: Well, I *was* terrified of the Investigators.

05.01.112

Clint: Why?


;;; Short, sweet, and to the point!

05.01.113

Barry: Why what? Why was I afraid of them? Or why am I no longer afraid of them?

05.01.114

Clint: Why were you afraid of them, obviously! Now, you're just afraid of us or something. Right?

05.01.115

Charlie: [To Clint] Well, we can be terribly imposing, after all! [To Barry] Why WERE you afraid of them?=

05.01.116

Clint: I bet you're on the run. You're some kind of criminal, right?

05.01.117

Harvey: Well, you can't hold that against him - after all, we're criminals too, what?

05.01.117

Austin : [To Clint] When we interrogate people we really should give them an opportunity to respond to our questions one at a time.

05.01.118

Alice: That's right, Aus, well said. [Thinks for a moment] Oh! Oh! Maybe he's afraid of all the questions we're firing at him? [To Barry] Well? Are you?

Barry: You've got to let me go -- we're all gonna die!


;;; Out for 2.5 hours!

05.01.119

Austin : Yes, well that is a forgone conclusion. Could you tell us the nature of the implending threat? [Kindly] If you can do that we will let you go.

05.01.120

Barry: Really? Gosh, that's really square of you. You know, you guys are way nicer than HARMA say. Honestly, they make you sound like the absolute scum of the earth. Absolute dirtbags. Pieces of garbage. The worst sort of --

Alice: Hey! We do have limited patience, though!

Barry: Oh, sorry. What I'm now more afraid of is whatever killed the Investigators.

05.01.121

Charlie: [Alarmed] What happened to the investigators? Oh, I'm sorry. I meant, Investigators?

05.01.122

=20

Dur: And who were they that they would scare a HARMA officer?

05.01.123

Barry: They were [dramatic pause] Investigators! [To the party] They're dead -- all dead!

05.01.124

Harvey: [Trying to smile kindly] And what killed them, young man?

05.01.125

Barry: Ye-es. Well, I think I'd better be off. You know, you did say that I could go free.

05.01.126

Charlie: What killed the Investigators?!

05.01.127

Harvey: [In a very condescending manner] We said you could go when you'd answered our questions, but you haven't done that yet, have you, eh?

05.01.124

Austin : And were you running away to some where that is particuarly safe?

05.01.128

Barry: Oh! You liar! [Points at Mac] He said I could leave once I said why I was running away! [Points to Austin] And him! He said he'd give me 50GP too! [To Charlie] I don't know -- but whatever it was cleaned out the orphanage. I think they were professional.

Alice: [Gasps in shock] You mean.... contract cleaners?

05.01.129

Charlie: [To Barry] How horrible! Where did this happen?

05.01.130

Dur: [Looks thoughtful] Don't we know someone with a penchant of comitting crimes against orphanages?=

05.01.131

Alice: That's right! [Dramatically points at Mac] It's YOU!

Mac: No it's not. It was those Yellow Tie Guys.

Alice: Oh, oh that's right. You *don't* like committing crimes against orphanages. Sorry about that, Bestie.

05.01.132

Austin : [To Barry with disdain] Did you see anyone wearing a yellow tie?

05.01.133

Barry: No, I was too busy running away -- they nearly caught me, but I beat them off.

Alice: The Yellow Tie Guys?

Barry: No, the ladies who run the orphanage.

05.01.134

Austin : [To Barry, suspiciously] And why were the ladies who run the orphanage trying to catch you?

05.01.135

Barry: [Dismissively] They said that they needed help tending to the wounded, but, if you ask me, their wounds can't have been that bad if they could grab onto me like that!

05.01.136

Charlie: You brute! How far away is this orphanage? In what direction?

05.01.137

Barry: Hey! They're the ones who grabbed me! Some of those children have very sharp nails! [Calms down and points back in the direction that he came from] They're that way.

05.01.138

Harvey: Indeed, children can be vicious little things, what? I myself have sustained horrific throwing-rattle wounds in battle.

05.01.139

Alice: [Sympathetically] Poor Harvey. Was your elbow rattly after throwing a child? Honestly, some people feed their children too much. It's downright inconsiderate.

05.01.140

Harvey: Um, not quite my dear. A rattle is a brutal throwing weapon, hurled by children as they shriek their battle cries. It makes a terrifying sound as it spins towards your noggin, and when it impacts, it can cause horrific bruises or even a mild concussion! [Shakes his head sadly] I remember when battle was an honourable affair of sneaking some kind of explosive device under the enemy's latrines and having it explode as they relieve themselves.

05.01.141

Alice: I suppose that's one way of solving the constipation problem that was sweeping the battlefield.

05.01.1412

Charlie: [Shakes her head] What on earth are you two talking about?! [To the party, dramatically] To the orphanage! We must see if we can follow the trail of those yellow-tied ne'er-do-wells!

05.01.143

Austin : Perhaps the 'Mother'; in the dream is connected to the mother that the Yellow tie type were refering to?

05.01.144

Clint: I hope not! The mother in the dream was awful!

05.01.145

Alice: But she ate hardly any babies, in fairness.

Barry: Uh, so, I'll be off, then.

05.01.146

Austin : [To Barry, cursorily] Bye. [To Alice] Perhaps we need to pretend to be her children and the steal a magic sword form her? [Shrugs] Anyway, we should at least find out what she is doing with all of the children.

05.01.147

Clint: I bet "stealing the magic sword" is some kind of metaphor. And hopefully not a dirty one!

05.01.148

Charlie: [To Austin] I quite agree. Perhaps if we find the one Mother, the dream will make more sense!


;;; Must.resist.urge.to.keep.dirty.magic.sword.metaphor.going!

05.01.149

Barry: Yeah, I'm sure it will! Now, in the meantime, I'm off to join the resistance -- I think we need to reinstitute magic as soon as possible!

Mac: [Surprised] Agreed!

Barry: If only I knew a magic user who could help. Hm. Damn!

Mac: [To the party] Guys, I hate to abandon you, but I think I might have to go with him. You know, so we can fight the battle on two fronts.

05.01.150

Charlie: [To Mac, shocked] But, dear, however will you get by without my guidance?!

05.01.151

Clint: [Helpfully.] Blissfully and with a full head of hair?

05.01.152

Harvey: [Also healpfully] With what's left of his sanity?

05.01.152

Austin : [Nods in agreement with Clint] Quietly and efficiently.

05.01.153

Charlie: [Crosses her arms and gives Austin, Clint and Harvey a look] You do understand, [huge emphasis] I will be remaining in the group?!

05.01.154

[There's a collective sigh.]

Alice: I mean... yay!

Mac: I'll survive somehow. I'm sure Barry can't be all that bad.

Barry: Come on, I'll show you a sure fire way to eat for free. Retirement homes! [Chortles with delight] You can be in there and eat all the creamed rice and jelly you want before anyone realizes what's going on!

05.01.155

Charlie: [Pats Mac on the head fondly] Do be careful!

05.01.156

Harvey: [To Mac] Well, young Private! Be sure to remember everything I've taught you, what? Resupply when you can, always know where your towel is, and keep watch for people in lederhosen, yes?

05.01.157

Austin : [To Mac] Goodbye, and remember that life is about being beautiful [Gives Mac a hug]

05.01.158

Mac: Er, yes, thanks very much.

Alice: [Joins the hug] Bye bye, Bestie!

[MAC slowly extricates himself from the hug and leaves with BARRY.]

05.01.159

Austin : [Sighs, watching the two leave] Love at first sight! A bit of an odd couple though, I hope it works out for them. [Turns to Harvey] Right colonel, what's the plan?

05.01.160

Charlie: [To Austin] It's Dr. Parker-Kensington, if you please. We shall all go to this orphanage at once. That's the plan. Now, follow me at once, group! [Starts walking in the direction Barry indicated was the orphanage]

05.01.161

Alice: Hm. That's weird, but you heard what she said, Aus. [To Harvey] Come on, Dr. Parker-Kensington, let's save some babies!

[Exit ALL, towards the orphanage.]

05.01.161

Harvey: I feel I have to correct you, Ms Parker Kensington. [Proudly] I am, in fact, a colonel. And now, I shall consider our strategy. [Thinks for a moment] We shall all go to this orphanage at once. That's the plan. Onward, troop!

05.02.001

[Book VIII, Act V, Scene II. The Orphanage. ALICE, AUSTIN, CHARLIE, CLINT, DUR and HARVEY are here, heading towards the orphanage. Everyone was at least aware of the existence of the orphanage, as it is just fifteen miles from Queens View. There are a number of children standing around, as well as several adults, many of whom are wounded. One woman, JANE ALISON, who is wielding a large notebook, appears to be in charge.]

Alison: [To the party] Don't tell me that you're plumbers!

05.02.002

Charlie: [To Alison] Do be serious! Do I appear to be [finger quotes] working class?! Now, [flips out a notebook] tell us what happened here at once, with as much detail as possible, particularly relating to the Yellow-Tied Men, etc. [Pencil poised and ready to write]

05.02.002

Austin : [To Alison] We did not come here to be insulted. We are the Queens View Party, Heirophantic Knights. What happened here?

05.02.003

Alison: [Taken aback] I didn't insult anyone! If I wanted to insult someone, I'd say something like [looks at Alice] that skirt is so disturbingly short that I can see your sluttily flouncy underpants.

Alice: [With a big smile] Aw! Thanks!

Alison: Er, okay. [To Charlie] A bunch of men wearing yellow ties appeared and took all the babies!

05.02.004

Harvey: [Annoyed at Alison] Now that's no way to talk to a perfectly demure young lady like Alison here. I expect you to start showing some respect this instant! And while you're at it, do you have anything to eat? I'm famished!

05.02.005

Alice: Hey! My name is ALICE!

Alison: Anything to eat? What the hell is wrong with you? We've just been attacked!

05.02.006

Charlie: [To Alison] Yes, and we will do our best to help you, but you mustn't let the colonel's ferocious hunger shake your focus! Now, in what direction did they take the babies? How many of them were there, would you guess?

05.02.007

Alison: [Points in a direction (at a right angle to where the party came from)] They went that way. No fewer than two different groups of HARMA officers went after them -- one of them, Barry, came back here, screaming.

05.02.008

Dur: Perhaps we should proceed with great caution.

05.02.009

Alice: Did Barry say anything?

Alison: Just "get off me you bastards" to some of the children.

05.02.010

Austin : Did they take any specific selection of children, or did they simply grab them at random?

05.02.011

Alison: It was all babies -- none more than a few months old.

05.02.011

Harvey: And did they take all the food? Is that why there's nothing to eat?

05.02.012

Alison: Sure. They took all the food.

05.02.013

Harvey: The fiends! After them, troop! We must secure those supplies!

05.02.013

Charlie: [Swats at Harvey's arm] Focus, Colonel! Let's go try to find those yellow-tied baby-snatchers!

05.02.014

Austin : [To Charlie] That is what he suggested, baby snatchers or food theives, they are one and the same yellow ties are they not?

05.02.014

Clint: Heck yeah! It's time to kick a little butt!

05.02.015

Harvey: Indeed, Private, those babies won't know what hit 'em, what?

05.02.016

Austin : [To the orphanage woman, taking notes] How old was the oldest of the children that the took?

05.02.017

Alison: About six months.

Alice: And what was the name of this child?

Alison: About six months.

Alice: Huh. That's a weird name. How old was the kid?

Alison: About six months.

05.02.018

Clint: How many babies did they take?

05.02.019

Alison: About Forty.

Alice: Wow! That's a lot!

Alison: [Gives Alice a momentary glare] And John, and Dominic, and Kev-

Alice: You had a kid named About Forty? That's a weird name. How many babies were taken?

Alison: About forty.

05.02.020

Harvey: [Quietly, to the Party] I say, troop, I'm beginning to think that she's a few sergeants short of a regiment, what?

05.02.020

Charlie: [Impatiently] They're only babies! You can call them anything you want. They don't know the difference, though I suspect they will know it if they're hurt or killed so let us go at once and stop this dilly-dallying!

05.02.021

Alice: I know, Charlie. [To Austin] Why, you could even call one Wilhelmina!

05.02.022

Clint: Yeah, right. What kind of parent would be so cruel?

05.02.023

Austin : The kind of parent who wheels out her mummyfied great grand mother for her birthday each year?

05.02.024

Alice: That's nothing -- my Aunt Betsy is preserved in alcohol! They wheel her out every Philimas and, just when no one expects it, she suddenly sobers up and chases the kids around with a big stick. Ah... happy days!

05.02.025

Charlie: [Annoyed] Wilhelmina is a perfectly lovely and terribly meaningful name!

05.02.026

Last from Heather 25

Harvey: [Kindly] Of course it does, Private. No doubt it means something to do with demons, what?

05.02.027

Alison: Oh for God's sake! What about About Forty and About Six Months and all the others? Aren't you going to try and save them?

05.02.028

Austin : [To Alison] Our preparations may be unconventional, but we do get results, I can assure you. [To Harvey] Colonel, the longer we wait, the less food will be left when we get there!

05.02.029

Alice: [Nods] Those babies are probably awfully hungry!

05.02.029

Harvey: [Gasps] Right, move out, troop! Move it, move it, move it!

05.02.030

[The party head away, barely able to keep up with HARVEY, who soon tires and drops back to a normal pace.]

Alice: We should probably have asked them if they had a carriage we could borrow. I'm starting to think these shoes [points to a pair of unfeasibly high heels that have cut her heels so badly that there's blood visible] Still, the pain is worth it to look stylish.

[About half a mile on, the party spot a crashed carriage just ahead. Written on it is "HARMA Investigation Division Executives".]

05.02.031

Charlie: [Looking at the carriage] HIDE, eh? They certainly don't sound very impressive! Perhaps we should take a peek inside?

05.02.032

Alice: Good idea, Charlie!

[The party carefully approach, and, as they get closer, can see that there are a few bodies strewn about. Each of them appears to have been battered beyond recognition, and the ground is covered in blood and bits of bone.]

05.02.033

Dur: [Surveys the scene in absolute shocked horror] Oh no! I do hope the babies are ok!


;;; Here's the pitch!

05.02.034

Alice: [Gasp] Do you think the babies did this?

05.02.035

Charlie: [Ponders] Well, they can be a bit vicious at times. You saw what Will did to that rat!

05.02.036

Dur: [Scoffs at both Alice and Charlie] Don't be absurd you two. I was simply concerned for their well-being! After all, bruised baby meat makes for a= horrible stew!


;;; Did I knock that one out of the park?

05.02.037

a horrible stew!

Charlie: [Gapes at Dur] If we do find any babies, you are not to go anywhere near them! [Looks at the bodies] If this was the yellow-tied men, they have certainly become more violent, have they not?


;;; EW!!!

05.02.038

Alice: I don't know, Charlie, they were pretty violent to begin with! Maybe these guys interrupted them?


;;; The last time the party encountered the YTGs they had a house that

could travel between

;;; dimensions

05.02.039

Harvey: [Confused] Are we still talking about the babies?

05.02.040

Austin : [To Harvey] No, the YTG's. I hope.

05.02.041

Charlie: [Peering down the road] Is there a blood-spattered trail we can follow?

05.02.042

Alice: There doesn't seem to be. [Looks around] In fact, all the blood ends here.

05.02.043

Harvey: Gah! They've made off with all the food! [Looks around] Hmm, is there a trapdoor somewhere?

05.02.044

Clint: [Hopefully.] Or maybe a survivor, dying slowly and just itching to share everything he knows before meeting Phili?

05.02.045

Charlie: I suppose we'd better check the bodies, just in case. [Looks at the bodies and wrinkles her nose] Mr. Sleaze, have you any latex gloves to spare?

05.02.046

Austin : [Passes Charlie a pair of surgical gloves, and dons a pair himself and begins searching the bodies and the carriage] This could take some time.

05.02.047

[There are four bodies outside the carriage, each beaten beyond recognition. Each has a few GP and one has a blood stained letter signed by Joe Nunpar stating that the group are "Investigators".]

Alice: [Looking into the carriage] There's another one here, just like the rest, although it looks like he was trying to get at something in a chest.

05.02.048

Austin : [Carefully opens the chest if he can] Hmmm, golden unicorns, no doubt [Chuckles]

05.02.049

Harvey: I doubt that, Private Sleaze. Maybe he was looking for some honeyed golden locusts, though, eh?

05.02.050

Clint: Maybe he was looking for something to defend himself with!


;;; Dead tired today, so off early.

05.02.051

Alice: [Excited at Austin's words] Really? Cool! [Catches herself] Er, I mean, oh, that would be interesting, I suppose.

[The chest is locked with a heavy padlock.]

05.02.052

Charlie: Hmm, did anyone spot a key? Mr. Sleaze, can you pick this lock?

05.02.053

Austin : Certainly [Tries to pick the lock] The key must be around here somewhere, perhaps everyone can have a hunt?

05.02.053

Alice: I bet it's in the carriage! People always leave their keys up behind the sun visor in fillums*. [Pulls down the sun visor only to be smacked in the forehead by a huge key] Ow.


;;; Fillums are popular moving pictures in the Realms, which similar

to the cinema in our time. They

;;; get their name from the phrase "Fill 'em with entertainment and

overpriced and tasteless snacks".

05.02.054

Austin : Alice, you are a genius! [Takes the key and tries to open the lock]


;;; And everyone still buys the snacks!

05.02.055

Harvey: [Proudly] Of course she's a genius - she's my niece!


;;; I guess they must consider the "entertainment" part optional!

05.02.056

Austin : [To Harvey, chuckling] Silly me, how could I have forgotten?

05.02.057

Charlie: [To Alice] Now, [finger quotes] genius aside, do be careful with that key, dear. We don't want a repeat of last time, when you had Harvey's housekey turned the wrong way and ran it through your palm repeatedly before I spotted the blood pooling. [Muses] Hmm, probably best you give ME the key, wouldn't you say?

05.02.058

Alice: For your information, Charlie, that wasn't even a key! It was a bottle opener that looked like one! [Hands the key to Austin] Here you go.


;;; The key looks like it should fit

05.02.059

Austin : [Opens the chest if he can] Now, let us see what this poor chap was trying to get at.

05.02.060

Charlie: [Excited, watches Austin open the chest] Oooh, I hope it's full of rare manuscripts!

05.02.061

[AUSTIN carefully opens the chest and everyone leans in to look, giving a gasp when they see the contents.]

Alice: Wow! Are they what I think they are? Amazing!


;;; Oh no! We must pause until Monday!!

05.02.062

[The chest contains what appear to be white masks.]

Alice: Are they faces? Amazing!


;;; No, they clearly are not!

05.02.063

Harvey: Perhaps the Yellow Tie Guys were planning some sort of play, what? [Reaches out to pick up a mask]

05.02.064

Austin : I think that they were more of the 'beat people up ask questions later types'. [Picks out a mask (#6), if he can, and tries it on] Perhaps they would wear the masks when they were beating people up, as sort of intimidation tactic, perhaps.

05.02.065

Clint: Maybe they're just freaks! [Glances at mask #4.] Or maybe they shared our dream and wanted to look like the lawyer.

05.02.066

Charlie: [Picks up mask 1] What a horrid expression on this one! [Primly] If this is for a costume party, it isn't a very nice one.

05.02.067

Harvey: [Looks at mask #7, the relatively normal-looking one] Gah! This one's the worst of the lot!

05.02.068

Alice: But why would the YTGs put their masks in a HARMA carriage?

05.02.069

Charlie: I suppose you're right, but I must say, masks are a bit whimsical for the likes of HARMA, aren't they? I wonder what purpose they serve? Perhaps we'd better hang onto them!

05.02.070

Alice: [Pockets mask #2] We definitely should. So, what do we think happened here? The YTGs kill 'em all off?

05.02.071

Charlie: [Surveys the bodies uneasily] Unless there is yet another group of rampaging maniacs we have yet to encounter! What on earth do they want? As many infants as possible, it would seem?

05.02.072

Harvey: Perhaps they enjoy the sound of screaming - I understand children do that a lot?

05.02.073

Alice: [Nods] They sure do. It doesn't matter how much you poke them with a sharp stick, they keep doing it!

05.02.074

Austin : [To Alice, deadpan] How suprising.

05.02.075

Alice: That's just what I said!

05.02.076

Dur: [Checking the area for tracks they could follow] Why do you suppose the masks got left behind? =

05.02.077

Alice: Maybe they didn't know they were there? After all, if the Yellow Ties took the babies and killed the HARMA guys, how would they know?

[There are no tracks at all around, except for what appears to be six sets that came from the direction of the orphanage.]

05.02.077

Charlie: Perhaps Alice is right, and these HARMA investigators were just in the wrong place at the wrong time!

05.02.078

Dur: [Counting the number of tracks] Something still doesn't feel right here...=20


;;; How many masks are there? At work I can't open queen's view links.

05.02.079

Alice: It looks like at least one of them had really high heels on. [To Charlie] Remember, the lady at the orphanage said that some HARMA guys came along and chased after the Yellow Ties.


;;; Seven!

05.02.080

Harvey: Perhaps we should follow them, what?

05.02.081

Austin : That is a certainty, but which way, or where did they go ? [Looks at the foot prints, looking for clues]

05.02.083

Charlie: Could this be another dimensional pathway of sorts? [Tries tossing a rock into the carriage]

05.02.082

Alice: But they lead here, look!

[This is true, the footprints lead from the orphanage, where the party came from, and stop here, right at the carriage.]

05.02.084

[Clunk. The rock hits the carriage.]

Alice: It looks like they searched around. See here? They went into the carriage, then came back out again. And look at the footprints, I think there are two women and four men.

05.02.085

e are two women and four men.

Dur: Perhaps we should look inside the carriage?

05.02.086

Charlie: [Exasperated] Alice, are you looking at OUR footprints?!

05.02.087

Alice: I don't know, Charlie, I'm not some sort of expert footprint-tracker-recognizer person!


;;; The chest was in the carriage, so the party have already checked it out

05.02.088

Harvey: Clearly Alice has cleverly deduced that *we* stole the children and killed the HARMA Investigators, which must mean that *we* are the Yellow Tie Guys! [Looks smug, then confused] Hmm, I don't remember that at all.

05.02.089

Alice: Well, that just shows you how clever we are, Harvey!

05.02.089


;;; No posts until 1PM tomorrow!

05.02.090

[There's a moment of silence.]

Alice: [To the party] That's very clever, by the way!


;;; We have a new player starting tomorrow, that's David. Please make

sure he gets a copy

;;; of all mails from now on -- except ones complaining about him!!

05.02.091

Charlie: Do be serious! We haven't done anything criminal, and I wouldn't be caught dead in a yellow tie!


;;; Welcome, David!

05.02.092

Harvey: Well, of course it's not our intention to be caught dead anywhere, yellow ties notwithstanding, what?


;;; Hi!

05.02.093

Austin : [Looking around] The the only foot print are ours, so either the assailants left no physical traces other than the corpses, or we commited this crime, which we know we did not do. [Ponders] The YTs are from another dimension, perhaps that is why they don't leave foot prints?

05.02.094

Alice: [Gestures to the foot prints] Or maybe someone carelessly obscured them?

05.02.095

Charlie: Well, I suppose we cannot follow them, then. Could we perhaps return to the spot you followed them into their dimension?

05.02.096

Alice: That was back in Apraxia -- near the Underwear Tree!

05.02.097

Charlie: [Clears her throat] Yes. Should we go back there?

05.02.098

Harvey: Indeed, perhaps we should go see this, ahem, [Tries to look disgusted, fails miserably] "Underwear Tree"

05.02.099

Alice: But what about the cure that we're bringing to Queens View? So that people can use magic again?

05.02.100

Clint: The lives of babies are at stake, bimbo! Which is... uh... I guess more important!


;;; Hiya, David.

05.02.101

Alice: Right. So we'll return to the spot where we basically ran screaming from the Yellow Tie Guys and their disappearing house, where we were all almost killed and where Zap went missing. What's the plan then, Clint?

05.02.102

Charlie: You're right. We must prioritize, and we mustn't let even this dreadful development distract us from our mission. Let us continue to Queens View.

05.02.103

Clint: [Reluctant.] But if we never went anywhere where we were all almost killed and some hotshot went missing and we ran screaming, where would we go?

05.02.104

Austin : [To Alice] We have already cured the town and brought back magic, we urinated the antidote into the towns drinking supply. Is there another antidote?

05.02.105

Alice: No, but there's another TOWN! That was Apraxia, Aus, not Queens View!

05.02.106

Austin : [Looks a little pale] So the HARMA poisoned the Queens View water supply too?


;;; missed this somewhere

05.02.107

Alice: They did it everywhere! Remember? No more magic?

05.02.108

Clint: We have any more healing potion urine, though?

05.02.109

Alice: We have plenty of the potion, it's just not in urine form yet.

05.02.110

Charlie: [Shudders] Really, why couldn't there be a more dignified solution to this problem?! [Briskly] Right, well, there's nothing to be done about that now. Come along, group! To Queens View, chop chop!

05.02.111

Austin : [To Alice] We have more antidote? Where?

05.02.112

Alice: In the potions that we didn't drink on the balloon!!

05.02.113

Harvey: Excellent! Where are these wonderful potions?

05.02.114

Alice: I've got 'em here, [pats her back pocket, causing an awful clinking sound] nice and safe!

05.02.115

Charlie: [Firmly] Yes, clearly I should be put in charge of them, given that I am the most responsible of us. [Puts her hand out expectantly]

05.02.116

Alice: Surely someone with your bulk would be better utilized helping push the carriage out of the ditch? At least then we can drive to Queens View rather than all this crazy walking.

05.02.117

Charlie: [Keeps her hand out, waiting] The potions! At once! [To Harvey] Colonel, do rally the so-called troop and have them right the carriage, if you would.

05.02.118

Harvey: Right you are! Form up for march, troop! Move it, move it! That means *you* Private Parker-Kensington!

05.02.119

Charlie: [To Harvey, in a low voice] Colonel, do be serious! Alice will break those flasks in absurd comical fashion the minute she forgets about them and sits down!

05.02.120

Alice: No, YOU be serious Charlie! I've already sat down dozens of times since I got them, and I've only broken about half of them!

[Everyone looks at ALICE.]

Alice: Sigh. [Hands over the potions]

05.02.121

Charlie: [Cheerily takes the potions and puts them in her knapsack] Thank you, dear! [Brightly] Now, be a good girl and help right the carriage.

05.02.121

Austin : [To Alice, amazed] You had all of those in your pockets? You must be even slimmer than we thought! [Looks at the carriage] Right, lets get the carriage back on it's wheels. [Gets in a position to help right the carriage]

05.02.122

Alice: [Confidentially to Austin] It's the flounces in my underpants -- they're ideal for secreting potions in!

[Everyone gets behind to help push the carriage, only to hear a terrifying roar from the undergrowth, like a wild animal.]

05.02.123

Harvey: By the saints, what was that?

05.02.124

Charlie: [Pulls out her sword] Careful, group! [Excited] Keep it alive if possible, as this might be something I can write up for Cryptozoology Today!

05.02.125

Austin : [To Charlie, deadpan] That's a great idea, why don't you go and find out what it is?

05.02.126

Alice: I bet it's a tiny kitten or something. [Peers into the undergrowth] Here kitty kitty!

[Enter a MILD BORE, a savage looking animal about twice the size of a boar, which breathes a small amount of fire, almost scorching the party.]

05.02.127

Harvey: I say! We could set up a barbecue on this creature. Who's got the beef burgers, what?

05.02.128

Alice: Great idea! I sure hope the creature is agreeable.

[The BORE breathes more fire, sending the party diving for cover. Enter ZEBEDIAH "GUBBINS" COLERIDGE, a scruffy looking individual racing behing the BORE. He jabs his sword into the BORE's underbelly, causing it to yelp in pain, before it falls down dead.]

Alice: Wow! Who the hell are you? Some sort of chef?

05.02.129

Gubbins: [Checks the beast is dead then starts to wipe his blade clean.] The name's Coleridge, madam. Been tracking this here feller for days. It's wh= at I do.

05.02.130

Alice: Oh, cool. Well, thanks for that, but what are you going to do now that he's dead? It'll make tracking him kind of boring -- not to mention a little stinky.

05.02.130

Austin : [To Gubbins] You follow wild pigs around and then kill them? That's an odd hobby. Does it not get [stresses] boring after a while? [Smirks at his own weak pun]

05.02.131

I was going to skin it. Remove those massive tusks. Probably butcher the carcass for some meat. Care to give me a hand? [Gestures at the overturned ca= rriage] Although it looks like you are having problems of your own.


;;; Hello everyone.

05.02.131

Gubbins: [Groans at the pun] That was terrible ... tusk tusk!

05.02.132

Dur: Get used to them! It's the one thing we're actually good at. [Droolinga bit at the carcass] You mean you skin your meat before you eat it?


;;; Welcome David!

05.02.133

Gubbins: [To Dur] Er, yes. Cook it too. Usually. That's not always possiblethough. There was one time when I was caught in the northern tundra with n= o possibility of starting a fire and I was getting real hungry. I ended up eating my wildebeest raw. [Starts field dressing the boar] Wildebeest belly= makes a nice warm bed when the storms come, too.


;;; sorry folks, out to a meeting for an hour or so

05.02.134

Alice: [Looks horrified] Ew! What the hell is he doing to it?

05.02.135

Austin : [Whispers to Alice] It must be some kind of religous ritual.

05.02.135

Charlie: [To Gubbins] Thank you for your well-timed assistance, Coleridge. Now, before you continue with that disgusting task, could you help us right this carriage? There'll be a shiny copper in it for you [dangles a copper piece temptingly] !

05.02.136

Alice: [Nods at Austin, but then looks shocked] Maybe he's going to mate with it?

05.02.137

Harvey: Hmm, he seems to be preparing it to eat. Clearly this gentleman has spent a long time foraging for food. [Wags his finger at the party] That's what comes from not having adequate supplies, what?

05.02.138

Gubbins: [To Austin, Alice and Harvey, while continuing to skin the bore] It's no religious ritual ... although some tribes of the plains people do ma= ke quite a ceremony out of preparing the carcass of a bull aurochs. They sing and dance around it, put pungent herbs on their fires and pass around th= is fermented curd. You know, like cheese.

05.02.139

make quite a ceremony out of preparing the carcass of a bull aurochs. They sing and dance around it, put pungent herbs on their fires and pass around = this fermented curd. You know, like cheese.

Charlie: [To Gubbins, dismissively] Ordinarily I would find your pagan rituals quite interesting, but we are in a hurry just now, so do get to work on that carriage at once. [Shakes the copper piece at Gubbins]

05.02.140

Gubbins: [Wiping his bloody hands on the bore's coat] Okay, Missy, I'll help you with your overturned carriage. What the - ? [Sees the HARMA insignia = on the carriage side and reaches for his sword.] Look now, I don't want anytrouble so I'll just be on my way. You can have the carcass. It's yours.

05.02.141

a on the carriage side and reaches for his sword.] Look now, I don't want any trouble so I'll just be on my way. You can have the carcass. It's yours.

Charlie: [Watching Gubbins' reaction to the insignia] Not to worry! We are not affiliated with HARMA. In fact, quite the opposite, I assure you.

05.02.142

Gubbins: [Suspiciously, still backing away] What is that supposed to mean?

05.02.143

Dur: That we are trying to reverse the damage done by HARMA and save the world of course. Charlie has some kind of fetish for big words, but don't wor= ry, she usually takes out her sexual frustrations on her demonic husband, so you should be safe!=

05.02.144

Alice: It means we're the Amrah! [Smiles, satisfied with her explanation]

05.02.144

Gubbins: Demonic husband?! You're not exactly filling me with confidence here! [Pauses] I am guessing this carriage is not yours then, so where are it= s owners?

05.02.145

Charlie: [Dismissively] Don't be silly. Pestilence is perfectly harmless. [Surveys the area] As for the owners of this carriage, they met a sticky end, it would seem. We believe they died at the hands of a group of vicious men who steal babies and wear yellow ties. [Curiously] You wouldn't know anything about them, would you?

05.02.146

Dur: Yeah he's just great! Unless you're Charlie's father. You're not right? Cause that didn't work out so well for the last one. [Whispering aside to= Gubbins] Just don't ask her who she calls 'daddy' now. [Shudders]

05.02.147

to Gubbins] Just don't ask her who she calls 'daddy' now. [Shudders]

Harvey: Well, let's find these yellow-tied blighters, what?!? Quick march! [Marches off in a random direction]

05.02.147

Gubbins: [To Charlie, smirking] Do I know anything about babies? A little, yeah! [Holds up hands defensively] Okay okay, no, I don't know anything abo= ut yellow-tie-wearing baby-snatchers. Thankfully. Who are they?

05.02.148

Gubbins: [Calling after Harvey] What about the carriage? [Bends to start righting the carriage] [To Clint] Come on big feller, put your back into it.

05.02.148

Alice: We don't know! They tried to kill us a few weeks ago -- well, actually, everyone except me -- and twice now they've raided an orphanage and leapt back to their own dimension. We had been following them but they've disappeared. [To the others] I guess we're heading to Queens View now?

05.02.149

Charlie: [To Harvey, sharply] Colonel, do be still. We haven't time to fish you out a creek just now! [To Gubbins, helping with the carriage] We know very little about the yellow-tied men ourselves. They seem to have a keen interest in stealing infants and leaving a trail of destruction everywhere they go!

05.02.148

Austin : [Pondering. Curiously to Gibbuns] You must have chased that wildebeast a very long way to kill it in the tundra.

05.02.150

Gubbins: [In between straining to right the carriage] Well ... it looks to me ... like you could use someone like me. I mean ... I have travelled ... = pretty much everywhere. [Stops for a moment] Mind you, dimension travel is new on me; sounds like fun. [Resumes work on the carriage] How about ... I = come along with you ... see if I can help out?

05.02.151

Alice: I don't know -- I mean, we appreciate you helping us out and all, but we're going after HARMA. If you're going to be with us, you better really hate them. [Fixes Gubbins with a steely glare] How much do you hate them?

05.02.152

Gubbins: [Meeting Alice's steely glare] ... A lot.

05.02.153

Charlie: [Nods approvingly] As do we! But it isn't all exotic dimension-hopping, you know! If you travel with us, you will be risking your life on a daily basis. [Sighs] Though it would be nice to have a man in the group, for a change.

05.02.154

Alice: [Holds Gubbins' glare for a moment, before breaking into a smile] Hey! That's good enough for me! I'm Alice, [introduces each of the others] that's Austin, Charlie, Clint, Dur and Uncle Harvey. [To the others] Can we keep him? Pleeeease!

05.02.154

Gubbins: [To Charlie] No problem - I have been risking my life on a daily basis since I left home. If it's not someone actively trying to kill me, the= n it's the land and the weather or starvation or dehydration. Life can be tough.

05.02.155

Gubbins: [Waving 'hello' to each in turn] Good, good. My name is Zebediah Coleridge, you can call me Zeb or Coleridge or Zebediah. Actually, most peop= le I know call me Gubbins on account of all the stuff I carry about. Speaking of which, my pack is around here somewhere. [Walks off to retrieve his b= ackpack]

05.02.156

ople I know call me Gubbins on account of all the stuff I carry about. Speaking of which, my pack is around here somewhere. [Walks off to retrieve his= backpack]

Charlie: Splendid! [Takes out a notepad] Now, let me jot down your name to give to Pestilence, so he knows not to maim or torture you.

05.02.157

Alice: Just make sure you write it in the right notepad, Charlie!

05.02.158

Dur: [Thoughtfully] Why would she need two note books? She has one for the people he shouldn't kill, [whispering to the rest of thr group] she must've= started it after that episode at her dead grammy's funeral, and all the other notepad would say is "everyone else."

05.02.159

Alice: What about the one that says "People you must kill as quickly and painfully as possible"?

05.02.160

Charlie: [Exasperated] He doesn't kill ANYONE, anymore! [To Alice, brandishing a black notebook with skull stickers on it] And I would never confuse his notebook for another. This one is positively filled with extremely private thoughts only meant for his eyes!

05.02.161

Alice: Oh, really? [Gives Austin a knowing look and a wink] I sure hope no one ever borrows it, Charlie. [Pause] And by no one, I mean Austin. And by borrow I mean steal. And by Charlie, I mean, well, uh, well, it would be awful.

05.02.162

Harvey: Hmm, yes, well, what? We should get moving, eh?

05.02.163

Charlie: Indeed, Colonel! We have wasted quite enough time.


;;; Nothing from me tomorrow. Be kind to Charlie!!

05.02.164

Clint: Yeah! Some of us even stopped to write in notebooks!

05.02.165

Charlie: [To Clint, sensibly] Well, what good will Coleridge be to us if he has no arms?!

05.02.166

Alice: I know, he'd be [stagily] powerless. [Beams at the party, as though expecting applause] Oh! I mean... 'armless!


;;; I might be in and out a bit today

05.02.167

Clint: Hypothetically, Pestilence could cut off his legs, too, and then you could hang him on a wall and call him Art, or put him in a hole and call him Phil, or drop him in a pool and call him Bob, or in a hot tub and call him Stu, or on a beach and call him Sandy. [Shrugs.]

05.02.168

Harvey: I say, we'll discourage our latest trooper if we carry on like this, what? [To Gubbins] Don't worry, old fellow, Pestilence hardly ever puts people in tubs and calls them "Stu". The other stuff Private Scar mentioned... Well he may do those occasionally.

05.02.169

Gubbins: Right, well ... anyway, so Queen's View is in that direction, so shall we? I'll ride shotgun. [Clambers up on to the carriage roof.]

05.02.170

Austin : [Gets into the Carriage. Deadpan] I think Alice should drive, she's the best.

05.02.171

Alice: Great idea, Aus! Hopefully the carriage won't catch fire this time!

[Everyone loads into the carriage and it zooms off at high speed.]


;;; End of scene, next one coming right up

05.03.001

[Book VIII, Act V, Scene III. An almost out of control carriage. ALICE, AUSTIN, CHARLIE, CLINT, DUR, GUBBINS and HARVEY are here, careering along the road at dangerously and stupidly high speeds.]

Alice: [Calling out to Gubbins, who is miraculously hanging onto the roof] So, Gubbins. How come you hate HARMA so much?

05.03.002

so much?=0A=0A=0AGubbins: I am an inveterate traveller, an explorer, and they try to restrict my =0Afreedom too - woah! Watch out for that rock there!= ... That was close. Yeah, =0AHARMA are too authoritarian for someone like me. I once got caught up in an =0Aissue over travel papers that started to = turn ugly. ... TREES!

05.03.003

[Thunk. The carriage hits a rock and almost knocks GUBBINS off, but it stays on the road.]

Alice: Sorry! I didn't mean to hit the rock -- oh, it's not a rock, it's just a turtle.

[Queens View comes into view. The party can see that the wall around it is now about twice the size it was, and that there are a lot of HARMA uniformed officers standing around outside.]

05.03.004

Austin : [Worried] We should disguise ourselvs as HARMA officers, we do have their carriage afterall.

05.03.005

Alice: Good idea, Aus. [To Gubbins] HARMA might be dangerous, but they're idiots. If we just throw on some HARMA uniforms, they'll never recognize us.

[Everyone glances out of the carriage only to see that the countryside is plastered with wanted posters of the party. The crime? "Urination Into A Public Water Supply".]

Charlie: Oh dear! That isn't good!

Alice: Tell me about it! Since when was that illegal?

05.03.005

Harvey: We could tell them we are returning their carriage to them, eh? Perhaps they'll reward us. [Ponders this for a second] Or given that this HARMA, probably not.

05.03.006

Austin : [To Alice] I feel obliged to inform you that urinating in a public water supply has always been illegal, in every state I know of. [Casually chekcs his nails]

05.03.006

A uniforms, they'll never=0A> recognize us.=0A> =0A> [Everyone glances out of the carriage only to see that the=0A> countryside is plastered = with wanted posters of the party. The crime?=0A> "Urination Into A Public Water Supply".] =0A> =0A> Charlie: Oh dear! That isn't good!=0A> =0A> Alice= : Tell me about it! Since when was that illegal?=0A> =0AGubbins: [Looking at one of the posters] You urinated into the public water =0Asupply?! No, n= o. I don't want to know the details. You would doubtless tell me =0Athere were good reasons for it and all that. Some other time maybe. We have a =0As= upply of HARMA uniforms to hand then, do we? Or are we going to have to club =0Asome poor fascists about the head to get some?

05.03.007

, in every state I know of.=0A> [Casually chekcs his nails] =0A> =0AGubbins: [To Austin] Tell that to the people living on the banks of the Upper =0AV= olaga River. That waterway is their water supply, their toilet, their bath,=0Atheir laundry. Their larder, even; they fish from it.

05.03.007

Alice: [Shocked at Austin's revelation] Really? I thought it was only illegal if Daddy wouldn't pay for it to be cleaned. [To Gubbins] Hey, it's not like I was the only one -- everyone else did it too! And there were good reasons for it!

Charlie: But did you really have to enjoy it so much?

Alice: Hey, I was bursting -- excuse me for feeling relieved!

Charlie: I bet there are spare uniforms in this carriage. Those HARMA officers always seem to look extremely clean.

05.03.008

Alice: Ew! I wouldn't ever pee into something so public!

05.03.009

Harvey: [Nodding at Gubbins' words] And it's also a burial site - or at least it was when we disposed of three natives we'd captured. [Sighs] Oh well, let's see about these totally unfounded charges, what? Perhaps HARMA can be reasonable, eh?

05.03.010

Austin : Given our previous experience with them, reasonable is not a word that I'd use to describe the HARMA. [Ponders] Idiotic, murderous, facists, perverts. Words like that are more appropriate descriptions of the HARMA.

05.03.011

, perverts. Words like that are more appropriate descriptions of the HARMA.

Dur: Yes, but at least they are easy to fool! [Starts searching for spare uniforms for the group] =

05.03.012

Austin : [Helpfully] If we wear the masks too they certainly won't recognise us!

05.03.013

Gubbins: What masks? Besides, they're not after *me*. Look - *I* am not on the posters. *I* didn't urinate in a public water supply.

05.03.013

Last from Dom

Harvey: Of course, Private Scar. An excellent idea! [Hands Austin mask #4] You could wear this one. [Thinks] Oh, but of course they would absolutely recognise you in this mask!

05.03.014

Austin : Thank you colonel, but I already have a mask [Holds up mask #6]


;;; pretty sure it was #6 that he took?

05.03.015

Alice: [To Gubbins] We found a chest full of scary masks -- I think there's still one left.

[She's correct, the third mask is still there.]

Alice: [Points at another poster, this time of Gubbins] Hey, look! [Reads] Wanted for the unlawful slaying of a transdimensional non-humanoid being. Huh. What does that mean?


;;; I think so!

05.03.016

Austin : Ah, Mr Gubbins, now we see evidence of your wicked was [Smiles] What did you slay?

05.03.017

Gubbins: What?! [Looks at poster] "Unlawful slaying of a trans-dimensional ..." Well it can only be that brute of a boar back there. I *thought* it wa= s hellish large for a normal boar. So I am an outlaw again, it seems. [Shrugs and puts on mask #3] How does this look?

05.03.018

Alice: [Leaps off her seat] Yikes! That's the scariest thing I've ever seen! [To the others] Right, what are we going to tell these guys?


;;; Gone for the day, back to normal tomorrow!

05.03.019

Charlie: [Tries on mask 1] That we're HARMA Investigators (gestures to the carriage), and hope there are no follow-up questions?

05.03.019

Clint: That we've captured a dangerous criminal?

05.03.020

Charlie: [Puzzled] What dangerous criminal can we claim we captured?

05.03.021

Clint: Dr. Charlotte Parker-Kensington, perhaps? We've got plenty of options!

05.03.022

Charlie: [To Gubbins, quickly] Only HARMA would consider me a criminal, not to worry! [Narrows her eyes] And possibly that horrid Dr. Rourke-Burke. [To Clint] Well, I suppose we could try that, though obviously you'd be the better choice for dangerous criminal. You have the look, whereas I look like a harmless world-renowned scientist.

05.03.023

Clint: [Shrugs.] Sure. I'm not picky!


;;; And that's my three.

05.03.024

Alice: You just be joking, Clint! You're totally sticky, and honestly, I don't even want to know why! If the dangerous criminal we capture isn't one of us, who could it be? [Looks at Gubbins]

05.03.025

Austin : [To Alice, dramatically] The mystery deepens! [Puts on a HARMA uniform and mask #6]

05.03.026

Clint: Yeah, well, just because I don't want to pick on the new guy... [Puts on his mask.]

05.03.027

Alice: So we're gonna throw Clint in jail? About time!

05.03.028

Gubbins: [Returns Alice's pointed look] Oh, right. Yeah, great. The new guyis expendable, sure. [Pauses] Okay - we give it a shot. [Takes off his mas= k] I just hope they don't decide to ... requisition the prisoner.

05.03.029

Charlie: [Brightly, slapping her notepad shut] How splendid! Perhaps there's no rush to get this note to Pestilence, after all! [Dramatically] To Queens View!

05.03.029

Clint: If they try that, it's time for... plan B! I'm still working on that one.

05.03.030

Harvey: Well, you continue working on plan B, Private Scar. I'll have a good think about plan Z, what?

05.03.031

Alice: Plan Z? I though that was supposed to be secret!

[The carriage heads on towards Queens View, where it is stopped by a HARMA officer that the party have clashed with many times before, TOMPARS PARIS. Everyone is now wearing a mask, with the exception of GUBBINS, who is now in the carriage.]

Tompars: Thank God you're here! You need to get in right away! It's an emergency!

05.03.032

Charlie: [To Tompars] Of course! What's the emergency?!

05.03.033

Tompars: Some perps who need the truth tortured out of them!

05.03.034

Charlie: [Feigning enthusiasm] How thrilling! Who are these perps and what atrocities have they committed?

05.03.035

Harvey: [To Tompars] I say, isn't torture rather your speciality?

05.03.036

Austin : Does it really matter who tortures them, as long as the perps tell the truth?


;;;awa for the rest of the day

05.03.036

Tompars: I thought it was too, until [nervously] you guys came along. I mean, not that I have any problem with you, no siree, Bob's your uncle what a lovely bunch of coconuts. [Mops his brow, before addressing Charlie] Awful stuff, just awful! Eating sugar, singing, one of them even [lowers his voice] farted in public!

05.03.037

Charlie: [Gasps] How dreadful! Who committed these crimes. Why don't you let us handle this, sir?

05.03.038

Tompars: Of course! Of course! We're honoured to have Investigators in Queens View -- not that we have anything that needs investigating, of course!

05.03.039

Harvey: Indeed! But this 'farting in public' situation must be dealt with, what? We also have [Gestures to Clint] experts in that particular crime.

05.03.040

Gubbins: What about my own crime? Can you hurry up and process me so I can get on with mounting a daring escape?!

05.03.041

Charlie: [To Gubbins] Quiet you! [To Tompars] Why don't you turn over your prisoner. We'll throw him in the carriage with ours [nods at Gubbins] .

05.03.042

Gubbins: What?! We don't want him or her farting in a confined space!

05.03.043

Charlie: Consider that part of your punishment for your horrible crimes, prisoner!

05.03.042

Tompars: Uh, they're in the town!

05.03.043

Dur: [Smiling deviously from behind his mask] I'd watch you tone. Unless, that is, you PERSONALLY want to be [dramaticly] INVESTIGATED!=

05.03.044

Gubbins: [Chuckles but then feigns sheepish submission]


;;; that's all from me today - I need to leave at 4pm on Fridays

05.03.045

Tompars: Uh, no, please, sorry! I didn't mean anything by it -- what tone would you prefer I adopt?

Alice: How about the tone of an excited cheerleader?

Tompars: Huh?

Alice: Sounds like someone's going to be [sing-songy voice] investigated!

Tompars: Wow! Like [really bad cheerleader voice] really? That would be totally like, uh, sick. Rah rah rah! Goooo team!

05.03.046

Charlie: [To Tompars, disgusted] That's quite enough of that. Have some dignity, man.

05.03.047

Austin : [Coldly] Let us not delay any further, there are perps in need of torture. [Taps his foot impatiently]

05.03.048

Tompars: Sorry! Please! I didn't mean to stop anyone from being tortured horribly or anything! [Steps back from the carriage] Please! Off you g-

[The carriage trundles forward, rolling over TOMPARS' foot, causing him to shriek loudly.]

Alice: Hey, his cheerleader impression just keeps getting better, doesn't it?


;;; Bank holiday here today, so sporadic posting from me!

05.03.049

Charlie: [Delighted] These masks are marvelous!


;;; And from me, as well!

05.03.049

Harvey: Indeed they do seem to be quite effective, eh? Now, we should think about what line of questioning we wish to take. Austin is the legal professional here. [To Austin] Any suggestions?

05.03.050

Austin : [To Harvey] First we should find out who they are. That is usualy a good place to start. [Casually checks his nails] They might be friends or allies, an we are here to put the antidote into the water supply, not interrogate victims of this facist oppressive regime.

05.03.051

Harvey: [Nods] Valid points. Though HARMA will be expecting us to conduct an interrogation, what? We may have to at least give them a show.

05.03.051

Alice: Can't it be both?

[The carriage approaches the gate, which is quickly opened for them. Inside, the town is very quiet, with mainly HARMA Officers on the streets. Any civilians are walking quickly with their heads down. One HARMA officer approaches -- CHOCO LATAY. He was a prison officer when the party were jailed by HARMA last year.]

Choco: [Holds up a hand to stop the carriage, although he has a pleasant smile] Hi there!

05.03.052

show.

Alice: He's right -- they may be idiots, but they're not stupid.

[CHOCO waits patiently outside, still smiling.]

05.03.053

Charlie: [To Choco] You, there! We are here on terribly pressing business, and we haven't time for your time-wasting smiling!

05.03.054

Choco: [Snaps into a frown] Sorry. We're just so happy to see you. As you can see, we're struggling to keep order in the town.

[The entire town looks like it is mourning.]

05.03.055

Harvey: [Sternly] We understand you have a prisoner for us to question?

05.03.056

Gubbins: [Looking around] Looks like someone has died. [To Charlie, playingup the role of the prisoner] You going to try and fit me up for that too?!= [To Choco] Who was it anyway?

05.03.057

Alice: [Pointing to Gubbins' mask] Put that on! [Whispers] Remember, they want us here, you don't have to pretend to be a prisoner.

Choco: [To Harvey] And you are correct in that understanding, sir!

05.03.058

Charlie: [To Gubbins, laughing] Good one! [To Choco] To amuse ourselves on long journeys, we take turns pretending to be prisoners, to keep our skills sharp. Now, take us to the REAL prisoner at once!

05.03.059

Choco: Wow, you guys are really wild and crazy!

[The party can spot a local man, BEREK HALFOUR being arrested.]

Alice: What did he do?

Choco: He's being arrested on account of having annoying facial hair.

05.03.060

Harvey: Well, let's talk to him and maybe give him a shave, eh?

05.03.060

Austin : [Calmly] Good work. No crime should go unpunished.

05.03.061

Charlie: [Shakes her head] Appalling!

05.03.062

Alice: It IS kind of annoying, isn't it? I guess HARMA mightn't be all that bad after all.

[CHOCO gives ALICE a startled look.]

Alice: I mean, HARMA are great, and uh, down with everything that's not HARMA.

[CHOCO seems satisfied.]

05.03.063

Harvey: [To Choco] Do you perhaps have any "I HEART HARMA" flags the young lady could wave enthusiastically?

05.03.064

Charlie: What a splendid suggestion, Col--uh, comrade! If only we had time for such frivolity, though. [To Choco, all business] Really, we must see the prisoner as soon as possible.

05.03.065

Choco: [Draws out Harvey's suggestion and reads it] One hard HARMA? Wow! You guys really do know your stuff! [To Charlie] Sure, but wouldn't you like to punch this guy in the back of the neck first?

05.03.066

Charlie: [To Choco, narrowing her eyes] Are you questioning my methods?!

05.03.067

Clint: That's a questioning offense, that is!

05.03.068

Choco: [Startled] Is it?

Alice: Another question!

05.03.069

Charlie: [To Choco, outraged] Take us to the prisoner at once, before we are forced to arrest you for your near-constant breaches of the law!

05.03.070

Harvey: [Menacingly] And, remember, we are the people who give HARMA their warm and fuzzy reputation.

05.03.070

Clint: Forced, nothing! It'd be our pleasure! Now, chop-chop!

05.03.071

Choco: Really?

Alice: Oh my GOD! Another question! Let's heat up the poker!

Choco: Er, will you please follow me? [Points towards the town jail]

05.03.072

Charlie: Splendid! [To the party, following Choco] Come along, group!

05.03.073

Gubbins: [Knocks the dottle from the bowl of his pipe and thumbs some freshtobacco into it] [To Choco, following him into the town jail] Just show us= to the prisoner's cell and leave us. You won't want to watch us ... Investigating!

05.03.074

Choco: Sure, because ... [breaks off as he see Gubbins brazenly putting tobacco into his pipe] uh. Oh.

05.03.075

Gubbins: [To Choco, feigning annoyance] Something wrong, officer?

05.03.076

Alice: [Angrily] And your answer had better not be in the form a question!

Choco: Er, I'm just rather surprised to see you using tobacco. I mean, you do know that it is now illegal, ri- I guess, because you are Investigators and all.

05.03.077

Charlie: Of course we know! Really, you are most presumptuous, telling us our business. I have half a mind to Investigate you for Questioning the Methods of an Investigator without Phrasing said Questions in the Form of a Question! How would you like that?!

05.03.078

Harvey: And suggesting that an Investigator might break the law is tantamount to... to... Well, it's pretty bad!

05.03.079

Choco: [Suitably beaten down] I wouldn't like it at all. [Bows his head and walks away sadly]

Alice: [Claps her hands happily] It's great being one of the fascist elite -- I don't know why EVERYONE doesn't do it!

[Enter ALL into the jail.]


;;; End of scene, next one coming right up

05.04.001

[Book VIII, Act V, Scene IV. The Town Jail. ALICE, AUSTIN, CHARLIE, CLINT, DUR, GUBBINS and HARVEY are here, having just entered. The jail (which all but DUR and GUBBINS have either been incarcerated in, served in or both) is quite different from before, and is now very bare and dank looking. Sitting at a desk is what appears to be a statue of PAVEL MURPHY, yet another nondescript HARMA Officer that the party clashed with in the past.]

Alice: Wow, HARMA sure know how to take the fun out of being in prison!

05.04.002

Gubbins: [Looking around] You appear to have spent all your budget on ornamental statues and ignored the evident damp problem.

05.04.003

Alice: [Wiping her finger along the dank wall] At least the statue looks good -- it's very lifelike, isn't it?

05.04.004

Charlie: [Pokes at the statue with a pencil] Uncanny!

05.04.005

Pavel: [Leaping in pain] Ow! Hey! That really hurt!

05.04.006

Harvey: Well, it serves you right for letting this place fall into such as state of disrepair. Now, get this place sorted out, or the next time we poke you, it won't be with a pencil!

05.04.007

Pavel: I can't do that.

05.04.008

Charlie: Well, can you take us to the prisoner, at least?

05.04.009

Dur: And pray tell us why you look like a statue?

05.04.010

Pavel: [To Charlie] Nope, no can do. [To Dur] Because I was sitting so very, very still?

05.04.011

Dur: [Nods sympathetically] Do the hemroids hurt that bad when you move?

05.04.012

Pavel: Not as much as when I scratch my ass.

[Cue embarrassed pause.]

Pavel: Hey! I mean, what hemorrhoids?

05.04.014

Pavel: I mean [speaks annoyingly slowly] I cannot do it. I was ordered not to.

05.04.015

Harvey: Well, since we can't see the prisoner, why don't we take a look at this man's haemorroids, eh? [Looks at Pavel pointedly] Does anyone have a red-hot poker to hand?

05.04.013

Gubbins: [To Pavel] What do you mean by "no can do"? Show us to this prisoner AT ONCE!

05.04.016

Charlie: [To Pavel] Who gave you those orders?

05.04.017

Pavel: [Smugly] Your boss. [To Harvey] I'm quite sure that he has a red hot poker.

05.04.018

Gubbins: [Under his breath] Hook, line and sinker!

05.04.019

Pavel: He's the one who told me to sit here and not move a mussel.

Alice: Don't you mean "not move a muscle"?

Pavel: Well, that too, but [points at a plate of delicious looking mussels] he was pretty adamant that no one was to touch the mussels.

05.04.020

Charlie: Well, perhaps we should talk to the boss, then. There has clearly been a mistake!

05.04.021

Pavel: He's not *the* boss, he's *your* boss, and I bet he'll be miffed when he finds out you've been countermanding his orders.

05.04.022

Harvey: [To the Party, drily] I say, we're obviously dealing with HARMA's finest, aren't we? [To Pavel, very slowly and clearly] You were told not to move a muscle because you were to wait for our arrival. And you were told not to move a *mussel* because we've had a long journey and are understandably very hungry.

05.04.023

Austin : [To Harvey] We were ordered to torture the prisoner, you will have to eat whilst we work.

05.04.024

Alice: That won't be a problem -- tearing someone's finger nails off always makes Uncle Harvey hungry.

[The door leading to the cells swings open, and a man wearing a RED MASK enters, followed by what appears to be disembodied FLOATING MASK. Their masks are similar to the party's, but are more elaborate.]

Red: Hey! I thought I told you not to move a mussel!

Pavel: I thought you said muscle!


;;; When dealing with NPCs wearing masks, let's refer to them by the mask

;;; description, i.e. Red and Floating.

05.04.025

Charlie: [To Red] Hello, er, Boss? Why did you instruct this man to bar us from speaking to the prisoner? We have terribly important Investigating to do, you know!

05.04.026

Red: No one speaks to the prisoners! They are too busy bleeding and moaning!

05.04.027

Clint: Well, really we want them to speak to us!

05.04.028

Harvey: Indeed, they have important information which we need for our, um, Investigating!

05.04.029

Charlie: [To Red] Can't they multi-task?!

05.04.030

Floating: [With a female voice] Are they really disagreeing with a Level 3 Investigator?

Red: I think they are. I've a good mind to bring them in for questioning.

Pavel: That's a great idea.

Red: Shut up.

05.04.031

Charlie: [To Red] You are quite right, sir. [To the party] Just as we suspected! The situation is well in hand. Let us be off, then. [Tries to exit]

05.04.032

Red: Yes I am!

[CHARLIE enters, followed by the rest of the party and RED and FLOATING, the former of which is holding the plate of mussels.]

Red: [To Floating] These are awful, let's get some proper food.

Floating: I haven't eaten food for seven years.

Red: I haven't eaten ham for seven days, and I need to fix that. [To the party] If I hear you've gone back in, you'll be in big trouble.

[Exit RED and FLOATING, in the direction of the mayor's house.]

05.04.033

Gubbins: [To party] I am confused. Does any of this make sense to anyone here? If so, speak up. And why is everyone wearing masks all of a sudden?

05.04.034

Alice: I'm confused too! I guess HARMA have got a bunch of specialists in who wear scary masks. Before we met you, we came across a normal HARMA pleb who was running away from Queens View because of the Investigators.

05.04.035

Harvey: And who was that fellow they had in the jail, eh? Was his facial hair annoying enough to attract HARMA's elite, if that's indeed what they were?

05.04.036

Alice: I don't think he's even got to jail yet -- there was someone else in there that those two were questioning.

05.04.037

Charlie: Shall we investigate? [Quickly] Not Investigate, of course.

05.04.036

Austin : Perhaps we should continue with our mission, while we can? I suspect that some cunning fellow has infiltrated HARMA to the highest level and implemented the mask wearing ethic to allow interlopers like us to more easily infiltrate. [Smugly checks his nails] Just guesses of course.

05.04.037

Dur: But ol' Red Mask really didn't want us talking to that prisoner! That could mean that he is very important. Perhaps some of us could go in and in= vestigate while one of us "Investigators" keeps watch on the prison?

05.04.038

Alice: I think that's a good idea -- we can't really just leave the poor guy in there, can we?

05.04.039

Austin : Certainly not. [Considers] Why dont some of us hold down pavel while the rest of us free the prisoner?

05.04.040

Harvey: And Red Mask will just stand by and let us take the mussels - erm, I meant "prisoner" - will he?

05.04.041

Alice: Probably not, but he did actually leave and go to the mayor's house!

05.04.042

Charlie: Come, let's go see the prisoner while we have this opportunity!

05.04.043

[The party trudge back into the jail, where PAVEL is standing on the desk, striking a boxing pose, once again standing completely still.]


;;; John's out for a bit

Harvey: Gah! What is wrong with this man?

05.04.044

Dur: Yeah! Didn't you have to move to get into that pose?

05.04.045

Pavel: Of course I did -- it's not like your boss is here any more, is it? Now there's no one who can order me around. I'm free, free I tell you! As free as the wind!

[Parp! Someone in the general vicinity of ALICE gives a loud fart.]

Alice: Dur!

05.04.046

Charlie: [To Pavel] Oh no, you're not! You sit there quietly and do nothing, and whatever you do, don't you dare leave this post!

05.04.046

Dur: [Sighs and ignores the implication] Perhaps we should report this man's mutiny to the Red Mask.=

05.04.047

Pavel: [Quickly sits down, head bowed] I'll be good.

05.04.048

Charlie: Excellent! Now, go and get us some cucumber sandwiches with the crusts cut off and a pitcher of water, chop-chop!

05.04.048

Dur: [Shaking his head in disgust] In fact, perhaps you should close your eyes in penance for your obvious disdain for orders!=

05.04.049

Pavel: [With his eyes closed] But I thought you told me not to leave my post!

05.04.050

Charlie: Well done! You passed the test. Now, plug your ears with your fingers and keep those eyes closed!

05.04.051

Pavel: But how can I find my ears if my eyes are closed?

05.04.052

Dur: Just keep poking until you get it right! [Motions silently for the group to get going] =

05.04.053

Pavel: [Goes to plug a bodily orifice with his finger] I think I got it!

Alice: [Horrified] That's not his ear!


;;; Out for about an hour

05.04.054

Austin : Perhaps he will try his nose next, that would be amusing. For a few seconds anyway.

05.04.055

[PAVEL slowly moves his finger towards his nose, but stops as soon as it gets within sniffing distance. Next, he slowly opens his mouth.]

Alice: Oh my God! [Opens the door to the cells] This is too awful to watch -- let's go and look at some torture victims!

05.04.056

Charlie: [Disgusted, shields her eyes] Indeed! [Heads into the cells]

05.04.057

[Beyond the door are four cell doors, two of which are open and clearly don't house anyone.]

05.04.058

Charlie: [Heads toward a locked cell] Hello? Who's there?

05.04.059

Clint: And if you can't talk at the moment, just moan in pain or something!

05.04.060

Harvey: I say, perhaps he can't moan in pain either?

05.04.061

Clint: Uh... then he's screwed?

05.04.062

[The voice of a little old LADY sounds.]

Lady: Hello? Who's there?

05.04.063

Charlie: [Appalled, to the party] Oh, dear! How could they arrest a little old lady?! [To the lady] Ah, we're hear to talk to you! Why were you arrested?

05.04.064

Austin : [Tries to open the door/pick the lock, if he can't get the keys easily] Why don't we just release all of the prisoners?

05.04.064

Lady: They said that my home made scones were too good!

05.04.065


;;; David is out today

Gubbins: Excellent idea, but we may have to plan their escape carefully -- having them suddenly pour out of here might arouse suspicion, even if the guard has his eyes closed and his finger in his mouth.

[AUSTIN easily picks the lock and pushes the door open to reveal a woman, BETTY MITE, who looks to be in her eighties.]

Betty: [Cowering back as she sees the masked party] Please don't hurt me!

05.04.066

Austin : [Kindly] Don't worry, we are here to relese you. [Tries to free her of any ropes/shackles. To Gubbins] I think that there are only two of them, so it shouldn't be too bad?

05.04.067

Gubbins: Hopefully, but don't underestimate the importance of careful planning.

Betty: [Cowers away] Please! I know what you masked fiends do to people!

05.04.068

Harvey: Indeed, we eat their scones. I suggest we all leave before someone spots the fact that we're staging a jail break, what? [Looks around in disgust] Besides, they may be torturing people to death, but there's a level of service prisoners should be able to expect, what?

05.04.069

Charlie: [To Betty] We're here to help you, I assure you! [Gestures to Harvey] See, is that a man who could ever turn down a well-made scone?!

05.04.070

Betty: I don't believe you! All you masked fiends are the same! That nice man told me. [Looks caught] I mean, you're all the same!

05.04.071

Dur: What man are you talking about?

05.04.073

Charlie: The so-called [finger quotes] nice man you referenced earlier!

05.04.072

Betty: Uh, I don't know -- what man are YOU talking about?

05.04.074

Harvey: Hmm, "nice man", eh? I take it we're not referring to one of the guards?

05.04.075

Betty: Please don't hurt me! I've never done anything wrong -- you people come in with your scary masks, pushing people around, why, it makes me wonder what you have to hide!

05.04.076

Charlie: Shh! Do be quiet. Here, look. I'm perfectly friendly. [Gives Betty a peek under her mask]

05.04.077

Alice: [Screams in terror at Charlie's face] Aiiieeee!

Betty: But you're a HARMA officer -- you're all the same! Well, except the ones with the masks, you're way worse!

05.04.078

Charlie: [Exasperated] Well, we cannot force you to come with us. [To the others] Let's get out of here before we are discovered!

05.04.079

Alice: [Lowly] She's not going to come with us because she thinks we're with HARMA!

05.04.080

Harvey: Gah! And how do we convince her that we're not HARMA?

05.04.081

Dur: I kinda though NOT torturing her would have proven we weren't with HARMA, so I don't know what to do now!=

05.04.082

Harvey: Harvey: [Stares at the old Lady, then looks at Dur] I don't think it's working.

05.04.082

Alice: Maybe we could tell her?

Clint: [Helpfully] Maybe we could torture until she admits we're not HARMA members?


;;; Happy sixth Queens Viewversary to Tom -- yes, six years ago today we

;;; were saddled with him. Much to my embarrassment, I forgot to mention

;;; that last Friday was Heather's seventh -- congrats to both!

05.04.083

Austin : [To the old Lady] We are not really HARMA offices, we are just disguised as them in orer to free you and the other prisoners and rescue the town in general. You dont have to believe us as we are going to free you anyway. [Casually checks his nails and has an air of smug about himself]


;;; Happy Queens Viewversaries!

05.04.084

Charlie: Fine, let's free her, but we really must start moving. Are there other prisoners? [Checks the other locked cell]


;;; Thanks, Dom! You've got us all beat by a mile, though. : )

05.04.085

Betty: Oh, really? Huh. Are any of you Investigators really with HARMA?

[CHARLIE checks the other cell, and a boy's voice calls from inside.]

Boy: Please! No more torture!

05.04.086

Harvey: Oh by the saints! [To the old Lady and the Boy] Look, we're not going to torture you or threaten you in any way. Now, calm down or we'll have Dur cook you something, or maybe do some surgery on you or something, what?


;;; Is there cake?

05.04.087

Betty: Well, that's very nice, I must say. That other gentleman did tell us that he would do his best to make sure that no one from HARMA would come near us, so he seems to be as good as his word.


;;; Nope -- what kind of jails have you been in???? :)

05.04.088

Harvey: Excellent. [Pause] Erm, that's good right?


;;; Obviously not a British jail then!

05.04.089

Charlie: [To Betty] And who was this other gentleman?

05.04.089

Alice: I guess so. [To Betty] Who was this guy? Was he also wearing a mask?

Betty: He certainly was. His was much more elaborate than yours, though.

05.04.090

Clint: [Puzzled.] Could that be red mask guy?


;;; Wow, six years you've had to put up with me! How have you withstood the

;; strain?

05.04.091

Betty: Oh, yes, he was wearing a red mask when he first came in.


;;; With difficulty!!

05.04.092

Charlie: [Incredulous] He seemed nice to you? [Concerned] Are you experiencing any other signs of dementia?


;;; Therapy helps!

05.04.093

Clint: Maybe he's an anti-HARMA person in a clever disguise?


;;; With this game, it not only helps, it sometimes seems to be the goal! =)

05.04.094

Gubbins: Sounds to me like Red Mask is a potential ally and one who has infiltrated himself into a position of some power. We need to get him on his o= wn and speak with him - any ideas for a plan to do that? He's in the mayor's house just now.

05.04.095

Alice: I suppose we could just brazenly stroll in wearing the masks?

Betty: He was such a nice man -- he even took my recipe for ham!

05.04.095

Charlie: [Slaps her forehead] Oh for--that was Deuce! [To Gubbins] You're right, we must go to him at once.

05.04.096

Austin : [To Alice] Sounds like your Deucie. [Ponders] I wonder what he is up to? [Goes to open or pick the lock on the other cell(s), if he can]

05.04.097

Alice: Oh my God! I bet you're right! It's just the kind of daring thing he'd do [sighs] he so dreamy. [To Gubbins] Deuce is my fiance, he's just craaaazy about me. [Thinks for a moment] So what was that floating mask with a female voice all about?

05.04.098

Charlie: [Wryly] I'm sure she's just a friend. Let us go to the mayor's house at once!

05.04.099

Gubbins: [To Alice] Sounds to me like he's crazy about ham!

05.04.097

Austin : Perhaps it was Dr. Phoebe Rourke-Burke, so thin that all we could see was the mask?

05.04.099

Clint: Maybe that was Phoebe and she's lost a little weight?

05.04.100

Alice: [Laughs] I doubt it -- what would he doing with her?

Betty: Actually, now that you mention it, he did have a young lady with him and, I must say, she needs a bit of fattening up. [To Alice] She didn't have the same healthy glow that you do, my dear.

05.04.101

Charlie: [Shivers] Oh, dear GOD. Will that woman ever leave me in peace?! [To Gubbins] Not only is she a hack scientist and home-wrecking hussy, she is also terribly unpleasant!

05.04.101

Harvey: Hmm, do you think Deuce recognised us? Perhaps this is why no-one was to question the prisoners? His aim was to protect them? Anyway, let us make our tactical withdrawal at once, troop!

05.04.102

, let us make our tactical withdrawal at once, troop!> Alice: I bet he didn't, Harvey, because we had those awful masks on. Hm, it's a pity I didn't drop my pants -- he'd definitely would have recognized us then! So, where next?


;;; Out for about 1.5 hours

05.04.103

Austin : [Dryly] What a pitty indeed.


;;;out for most of the day

05.04.104

Alice: Sorry, Aus, this ass is for Deuce's eyes only. The days of me mooning everyone I met on a night out are long gone!

05.04.105

Dur: Perhaps we could talk about the full moon another time! We must get tothe Mayor's house and find out if Deuce has also infiltrated HARMA!=

05.04.106

Betty: Should I just wait here for the torturers, then?

05.04.107

Charlie: [Considers Betty. To the party] Have we a spare mask?

05.04.108

Gubbins: [To party] Hold on a minute! What is our plan? We can't just all go storming in there, team-handed, demanding that this Red Mask fellow revea= l himself. No ... hmm ... let me think ... [crouches down and starts muttering and counting things off on his fingers] .

05.04.109

eal himself. No ... hmm ... let me think ... [crouches down and starts muttering and counting things off on his fingers] .

Charlie: [To Gubbins] Of course not! We'll speak to him in code. He has these absurd nicknames for [vaguely] some of us, so we shall reference those to signal to him that we know who he is, etc!

05.04.110

Harvey: And just cross your fingers that we don't get arrested for being overly slutty.

05.04.111

Alice: Hey! It's been weeks since that happened!

05.04.112

Charlie: [To Alice, considering her outfit] Just to be safe, stay behind Harvey, won't you? Now, did we have a spare mask for poor Betty?

05.04.113

Gubbins: [To Charlie] [Considering Alice's outfit] Is it okay if I stay behind Alice?!

05.04.114

Alice: That depends on what you're going to be doing back there! [To Charlie] Nope, I'm afraid we don't. Maybe we should leave her here and tell Pavel not to let anyone else in?

05.04.115

Charlie: [Nods] Very well! [To Betty] Go back to your cell, dear. We will do everything we can to protect you!

05.04.116

Betty: Oh, okay. [Smiles] Who knew that HARMA were such nice people!

05.04.117

Harvey: I know! Standards are clearly slipping in the torture industry, what?


;;; Forgot to let you guys know, after today I'll be out till next

Tuesday (a week)

;;; Conor, could you NPC Harvey while I'm gone?

;;; Thanks!

05.04.118

Clint: Sign of the times, Harv, sign of the times.

05.04.119

Alice: So, what now? We can try putting the antidote into the water supply, or we could go and talk to Deucie. [Goes all dreamy] And bathe in his beautiful brown eyes, while his strong, perfumed hands hold us tight...

05.04.120

Clint: [Emphatically.] I'm not bathing in anyone's strong perfumed hands! Let's go fix the water first.

05.04.120

Harvey: I don't know, Private Scar! There was a, ahem, *young lady* I, um, *knew* once. Kintaki Bay, I think it was, what? She had strong hands, and they were perfumed. [Nudges Clint conspiratorially] I'm sure you wouldn't mind bathing in those, eh?!? [Goes a little dreamy] Oh, the things she could do...

05.04.121

Alice: Ew! Harvey!


;;; Heather is afk for a while

Charlie: [Claps her hands briskly] Right, group, that's quite enough of that -- we had promised not to torture this poor lady, after all! To the water tower!

[Exit ALL.]


;;; End of scene, next one coming right up

05.05.001

[Book VIII, Act V, Scene V. The Water Tower. ALICE, AUSTIN, CHARLIE, CLINT, DUR, GUBBINS and HARVEY are here, having just arrived, wearing their masks again. Also here is ANTON ANON, yet another HARMA operative that the party met in the past, he is sitting on the ground behind a "Do Not Ent" sign, looking bored.]

Anton: [Spots the party approaching and leaping to his feet] Sirs! Yes, Sirs!

Alice: [Stepping back slightly as Anton is so loud] What happened to the ER?

Anton: Sir! Someone stole it, sir! Left nothing behind but the bone from a ham, sir!

05.05.002

Harvey: [Looks at Anton approvingly] Good work, Trooper! [To Charlie] You see, Private Parker-Kensington? This man knows how to talk to a superior officer, what? You could learn a thing or two from him.

05.05.003

Austin : [Nudges Charlie, whispering] You could be his favourite.

05.05.003

Anton: Sir! Yes, sir! Sir, this Initiate knows how to talk to superior officers using ventriloquism, sir. Shall I demonstrate?

05.05.004

Harvey: Indeed! Perhaps you could make it sound like the Private here [Indicates Charlie] respected her superiors?


;;; Sorry, couldn't resist! :)

05.05.006

Charlie: [Glares at Anton] Don't you dare put words into my mouth!


;;; Evil! Poor Charlie! I miss one morning,

;;; and she becomes the party's puppet! ; )

05.05.007

Austin : [Smugly] I'm sure you've had worse.


;;; irresistable!

05.05.008

Charlie: [To Austin] While I understand and sympathize with your clear and obvious jealousy, given the extraordinary nature of my magnificent husband, we have no time for your nonsense at the moment! [To Anton] Sir, you are needed at the clock tower at once! We shall watch your post for you. Now hurry along, chop chop!


;;; Groan! I should have seen it was inevitable! ; )

05.05.009

Anton: Sir, yes sir! [To Harvey] Sir, watch this, sir! [Holds up his hand and makes a mouth with it, mouthing along with him] Gottle o' gear! [Beams madly] Sir! [Runs off]

05.05.010

Harvey: [Proudly] Perhaps there is hope for the old girl after all. With a man who knows how to respect the chain of command around, this place will be back in shape in no time! [To Charlie] Now, if we're done investigating your sex life, perhaps we should move on, what?

05.05.010

Austin : [To Charlie, almost tearing up in giggles] Jealousy? [Giggles] Oh Charlie, you are such a hoot!


;;; out for rest of day

05.05.011

Gubbins: Right then. I believe someone said something about urinating into the water supply. If that's what you have to do here, then please get on wi= th it. I want to get somewhere I can safely smoke my pipe.

05.05.012

Charlie: [Raises her eyebrows at Gubbins. To Harvey] Perhaps you should be investigating Coleridge's sex life, instead!


;;; You people have made me dirty-minded!

05.05.013

Alice: Oh please, so he wants to have a smoke after peeing on someone. Is that really so weird?


;;; We were fine until you came along!

05.05.014

Alice: Oh please, so he wants to have a smoke after peeing on someone. Is that really so weird?


;;; I don't believe you at all Conor!

05.05.014

Charlie: Don't think that, just because I am academically inclined and not given to slang, I do not fully comprehend sexual innuendo and quite a number of euphemisms. [Finger quotes] Smoke my pipe, indeed! I know precisely what THAT means!

05.05.015

Last from

Harvey: Private Gubbins, whether you want to smoke your own pipe, or blow your own trumpet, or whatever - you can do that later. Right now, we have some urination to do.


;;; I dunno, Heather obviously has a bad influence on the rest of us!

05.05.016

Gubbins: Really, you people! I just want a good shag, that's all. ... NO! "Shag" means loose tobacco!!

05.05.017

Alice: Gubbins, you disgust me. [To the others] Come on, let's pee into the town's water supply.


;;; Dom's out this afternoon

Austin: [Sighs, and checks his nails] We have a phial of the antidote. Do we really have to urinate into the water supply?

Alice: Well, we don't *have* to!

05.05.018

Charlie: Then we most certainly shall NOT! Quickly, let's dose the water and then go find Deuce!

05.05.019

Alice: Aw! I mean, phew!

[The party climb up the edge of the water tower and open an access hatch. To their surprise, the tower is completely empty.]

Alice: Huh. Well, that makes dosing the water a whole lot more complicated!

05.05.020

Austin : Perpahs they are using an alternative water supply, like a well or something? Either that or they were very very thirsty.

05.05.021

Alice: I did hear that salty crisps were about to be made illegal -- maybe they ate them all before it happened and that made them very thirsty? Either way, there's no point in peeing into it. [Thinks] Although, it might make an interesting noise....

05.05.022

Charlie: [To Alice] NO. [To the others, with a sigh] We had better go find Deuce, then. Perhaps he knows what's happened to the water supply!

05.05.023

Clint: [Guiltily zips up.] Oh, alright!

05.05.024

Gubbins: [Putting his unlit pipe back in his pocket with a disappointed moue on his face] Okay then, off we go. [Starts to make his way down from the = water tower and off towards the mayor's house]

05.05.025

Austin : [Takes a look around from the tower] Surely if they have another source of water it may be visible from up here. Can anyone see any likely candidates?

05.05.026

Clint: [Looks around for a well or some such.] Maybe HARMA has outlawed water now?

05.05.027


;;; John is away this week

Harvey: By the saints, I can see no other source. What have those blackguards done with the water?

Alice: [Pointing at Anton (the guard from earlier) who's coming back] Maybe he will know?

05.05.028

Charlie: [Calls to Anton] You, there! What have you done with the water?

05.05.029

Anton: Sir, nothing sir! It was gone when I got here!

05.05.030

Gubbins: [Aside, to party] Looks like it was this Deuce then, him with the ham fixation. All the more reason to speak with him.

05.05.031

Austin : [To Anton] Where do the townspeople get their water from then?

05.05.032

Charlie: Indeed, they must have some source. Unless the town is deserted now?

05.05.033

Anton: Sir, no sir! Each person has their own supply -- they get it replenished every few days from the mayors house where it's kept under close guard.

05.05.034

Charlie: [To Anton] Splendid! Keep up the good work, my good man. [To the party] To the mayor's house!

05.05.035

Anton: Sir, yes sir!

Alice: And stand on one leg.

Anton: Sir, yes sir!

Alice: Let's go!

[The party head across town to the mayor's house, where there is a guard outside. This is SPOTTY DOOHAN, another HARMA Officer that the party have encountered.]

Spotty: Halt! Who goes there?

05.05.036

Charlie: Investigators! Now step aside and let us in.

05.05.037

Spotty: Of course. Now, if I could just see your identification?

05.05.038

Clint: [Rummages around in his pockets.] Let's see.. Got it in here somewhere...

05.05.039

Charlie: [To Spotty] How impertinent! Surely these masks are all the identification needed?!

05.05.040

Spotty: Yeah, you'd imagine that, wouldn't you? There's been a rash of mask theft recently, though, and only people with proper identification are permitted ingress. [With satisfaction] That's a fancy word meaning to go in.

05.05.041

Clint: Hold it! How do we know you're authorized to demand identification at all? You could be some kind of impostor just waiting to mug us and steal our papers!

05.05.042

Charlie: What an excellent point! [To Spotty] Where are your credentials?

05.05.043

Austin : He is taking rather a long time to respond, perhaps we should torture him, he must surely be an impostor!

05.05.044

Spotty: Would an impostor have one of these? [Dramatically pulls out some identification papers, which seem to be written in crayon]

05.05.045

Charlie: [Attempts to snatch the papers] Let me examine those!

05.05.046

[Yoink. CHARLIE pulls the papers from his hand, and the party gather around to examine them. Other than the fact that they're written in crayon, they do seem to suggest that he is, in fact, a HARMA Officer.]

Spotty: See?

05.05.047

Gubbins: [Tries to take the papers from Charlie to return them to Spotty] Very good, officer. You are clearly not an imposter. Now move along; we have= matters to attend to.

05.05.048

Spotty: [As Charlie pulls the papers away from Gubbins] I'm not going anywhere. I'm here to stop anyone trying to get in without identification. In fact, it's illegal even to stand outside here without identification!

05.05.049

Dur: Oh but of course! Our CREDENTIALS. We thought you said... Errr... CREDIT...ials? [Starts patting his clothes in search of his papers] I know I ha= ve them around here somewhe... HIYA! [Dur tries a sneak attack via his bootto Spotty's groin.] =

05.05.050

[Riiiip! DUR's pants rip, as his boot fails to connect.]

Harvey: By the saints! [To Spotty] Where is YOUR identification eh? Eh?

Spotty: [Points at Charlie] She has-

Harvey: Do you have it or not? Eh?

Spotty: Uh, um, I guess no.

05.05.051

Charlie: Do stand aside, then. [Attempts to walk past Spotty]

05.05.052

Dur: Indeed. [Trying to recover from his pant troubles] Before we arrest you for not having your identification papers.=

05.05.053

Spotty: Hey! How do I know you're really with HARMA? Show me some ID!


;;; Out for about two hours!

05.05.054

Charlie: [Flashes Spotty's ID] There you are! Now, let us through at once, or I shall become quite cross!

05.05.055

Alice: And stop hanging around outside here -- you know you shouldn't be here. Oh, and walk away slowly so Dur can kick you in the behind.

Spotty: [Drops his head and walks away slowly] I'm sorry.

05.05.056

Austin : [Tuts] The things we have to put up with these days, you just can't get good staff anymore.

05.05.057

Clint: And a good thing that is, too!

05.05.057


;;; No posts today! Back to normal tomorrow!

05.05.057


;;; On that note, I will be starting a vacation tomorrow and I will be gonefrom 11/11 thru 11/21. Since I won't be in my office, Conor can you take m=

e off the list until Monday the 21st? That way my inbox doesn't fill up while I am away. Also, feel free to NPC Dur while I am away.

-----Original Message----- Sent: Thursday, November 10, 2011 4:07 AM To: Tom Henderson Cc: dom; Heather; Day, Kevin R. (Las Colinas) NA; DAVID HORN; John Ludlow; Tom Henderson; qvblogger@gmail.com; djmalzie


;;; No posts today! Back to normal tomorrow!

05.05.058

Alice: Right, will we just head in and try to intimidate people?

05.05.059

Charlie: That seems to be working so far! But perhaps let's just try to stroll in and look for Deuce. No need to attract attention unnecessarily.

05.05.060

Austin : Assuming that it is Deuce. [Casually checks his nails smugly] It could be any ham obsessed man, possibly even one of Deuce's soulmates. We should proceed with caution.

05.05.060

Clint: Yeah. These HARMA freaks are pretty dim, too, so how bad could it be?


;;; The magic words!

05.05.061

Harvey: Well said, Private -- to the ham!

[Enter the party.]


;;; End of scene, next one coming right up

05.06.001

[Book VIII, Act V, Scene VI. The Mayor's House. ALICE, AUSTIN, CHARLIE, CLINT, DUR, GUBBINS and HARVEY are here, having cockily strolled in. The house has been refurbished since the party were last here -- when they crashed a Trojan Unicorn through the front door -- and seems fairly quiet. There is a stairs leading up, and several doors off this main hallway.]

Alice: The HARMA guys are pretty dim, but the ones in here are probably less so, so let's be careful. How are we going to find Deucie?

05.06.002

Clint: Plant rumors about free ham?

05.06.002

Gubbins: [Ironically] Try the kitchens. Head for the ham.

05.06.003

Alice: Sh! Everybody be quiet so we can see if we can smell some ham!

[Everyone goes quiet and, not surprisingly, this doesn't seem to help them smell any ham. However, with the new found silence, it seems as though they can here some bouncing from a nearby room, as though old springs are being given work out.]

05.06.004

Gubbins: ... Um. Perhaps we should leave it a while.

05.06.005

Charlie: [Dismissively] Oh, it's probably only a child playing! [Goes to listen at the door]

05.06.006

[Everyone leans up against the door to listen.]

Alice: I think it might be a child praying!

05.06.007

Charlie: And bouncing on a bed?! [Shakes her head at Alice] You are so clearly NOT a parent! [Listens at the door]


;;; What does she hear? More of the same?

05.06.008

Alice: Not that anyone's been able to prove!

[Everyone can hear more "bouncing" and some religious talk.]

05.06.008

Austin : Shhh. [Carefully tries the door to see if it is unlocked]

05.06.009

[Click! The handle turns, but AUSTIN doesn't push the door in yet.]

05.06.010

Charlie: [To Austin, whispering] Careful! Just a quick little peek!

05.06.011

Door: Creaaaak! [It still is opened far enough to see in though]

05.06.012

Austin : [Squinting to see who or what it is making the noise. Whispers] Why does no one ever oil their hinges [Sighs]

05.06.013

[The bouncing stops, and a male voice calls out.]

Voice: Who's there?

05.06.014

Gubbins: [Whispering, to party] Peeping Tom!

05.06.015

[The door swings open to reveal DEUCE, dressed only in boxer shorts (with pictures of hams on them).]

Deuce: What the hell do you want?

05.06.016

Dur: [Hopefully] Ham?

05.06.017

Deuce: That's what we all want, buddy! [Slams the door]

Alice: Hey! How come he didn't recognize us?


;;; Possibly because the party are all still wearing the masks

05.06.018

Charlie: The nerve of him! [Knocks impatiently on the door]

05.06.019

Austin : [Sighs in relief] Well, at least we know it was Deuce. [Opens the door wide for Charlie and stands back]

05.06.020

[AUSTIN pushes the door open to reveal what appears to be a long brown stick, about 5' 6" tall.]

05.06.021

Charlie: [Gasps] Deuce, are you threatening me with a long, pointy stick? Your former [clears throat] so-called [finger quotes] Puddin' Pop?!

05.06.022

[Suddenly the party realize that it is not a stick at all that stands in front of them, but PHOEBE, who is completely naked.]

All: [Screaming in terror] Aiiiieee!

05.06.023

Charlie: [Clutching her heart, trying to recover from the horror] Deuce, whatever are you doing with this creature?!

05.06.024

Deuce: Er, she was choking on something and I was helping her?

05.06.025

Clint: [Scoffing.] Like she ever eats anything! [Thinks about it for a second.] Oh. I see.

05.06.026

Charlie: [Shudders] How repulsive! Really, Deuce, it was less disturbing when you had your alarming sneezing fetish! [Changes tone. Brightly] But we have no time now to analyze your perverse sexual compulsions. We need your help on an urgent matter! Let's all get inside your room so we may talk in private.

05.06.027

Alice: [Nods at Phoebe] That's the most wrinkly looking leather jacket I've ever seen!

Phoebe: That's not my jacket, I'm naked.

Alice: Oh. [Gives a shiver] Ew! [To Deuce] Deucie! Were you making love with her in here? Cheating on me? With a damned dirty, wrinkly, stick insect?

Deuce: [Unconvincing] Uh, no, no I wasn't.

Alice: [Big smile] Okay! [Takes off her mask] Surprise! It's Alice!

Deuce: [Pretending to be shocked] Gadzooks.

Phoebe: [To Alice] Why don't you take off the mask, dear?

05.06.028

Clint: [To Phoebe.] Why don't you put a mask on, dear? [To Deuce.] So you gonna let us in?

05.06.029

Phoebe: Something scary like yours, Clint? [Does a sexy pose which, unfortunately, is a lot more scary than sexy]

Deuce: Sure thing, come on in. I'd offer you some ham, but all we can get in Queens View is tofu -- tofu!

05.06.030

Gubbins: [Takes mask off] "Deuce" is it? I'm Coleridge. [Offers hand] Do you mind if I smoke? I have a pouch of coarse-cut Old Toby pipeweed that I am= dying to try out.

05.06.031

Austin : [Puts a cigarette in a long holder and lights it up, blowing some smoke rings towards Gubbins. Offers a cigarette to Deuce] So, what cunning plan have you devised?

05.06.032

Deuce: [Shakes Gubbins' hand vigorously] Be my guest, friend! What awful crime did you commit that you were sentenced to hang out with these guys? [To Phoebe] Hey, Pixie Stick, why don't you wrap yourself up in a sheet, or maybe that hanky there?

Alice: Hey! I thought I was Pixie Styx!

Deuce: You still are, she's Pixie Stick because, well, I think you know why. [To Austin, quietly, taking the cigarette] I think I can convince Alice that it was a medical emergency, she seems to be buying it.

05.06.033

Charlie: [To Deuce, scolding] You should be ashamed of yourself, taking advantage of Alice's shocking neediness and appallingly low self-esteem! [Warning, in a low voice] And in front of the colonel, yet! He make look like a senile, doddering fool, but he is still armed and rather protective of his niece, you know!

05.06.034

Austin : [Quietly, to Deuce] Hook line and sinker. [Blows a smoke ring at Charlie] Perhaps you should see a therapist, you seem to be rather distressed about nothing.

05.06.035

Alice: [Takes Deuce's arm] Or maybe an analyst -- or maybe even someone who's a combination the two, you know, either a theralyst or an analrapist.


;;; Not sure if John is back today or not

Harvey: By the saints, Deuce! What the devil is going on here? Eh? Eh? [Looks enraged] Tofu?

Deuce: [Relieved] I don't know, Harv, but it's all very bleak. What are you guys doing here?

05.06.036

Charlie: [To Austin, with a sniff] My outrage is perfectly proportional to Deuce's atrocities! [To Deuce] Well, we WERE here to disenchant Queens View's water supply, but it appears to have been moved. Why are you here?

05.06.037

Deuce: I was here to try and see if I could get Nunpar to ease up on some of the crazy laws they've brought in, but, so far, I haven't had much success.

05.06.038

Gubbins: Yeah - it is apparently now illegal to fart in public ... Which reminds me. [Grimaces then wafts hand back and forth] Sorry, I've been holdin= g that in for ages!

05.06.039

Phoebe: [Starts to massage Gubbins' shoulders] Mm! That was a doozie -- you must be a real man to keep it inside. Plus, it smells a little like apples.

05.06.040

Charlie: [Snaps at Phoebe] Quiet, you! [To Deuce] Do you know where we could access the water supply?

05.06.041

Phoebe: Oooh! Another devastating retort from Dr. Parker Kensington. Deuce, how did you let this one slip through your hands?

Deuce: Sorry, Puddin' Pop, it's under very heavy guard and is rationed out each day. Even my fancy mask wouldn't get me in there.

05.06.042

Charlie: [Gives Phoebe a dirty look. To Deuce] Well, who would have a mask fancy enough for access to the water supply?

05.06.042

Austin : [Tuts] Just one more outrageous and highly unethical HARMA activity. [Casually checks his nails] How many entrances are there?


;;;; :)

05.06.043

Deuce: None! [To Charlie] I don't know, only guys personally tattooed by Joe get to guard it. I think if you want to distribute something in the water, you probably need a different method.

05.06.044

Austin : Is it a well or do they have to fill it up regularly?

05.06.045

Deuce: I don't know, Aus. It's a tank that's suspended above the ground, but I've yet to see them refill it.

05.06.046

Harvey: Well, perhaps we should take a look, what?

05.06.046

Clint: Does the tank have a lid?

05.06.046

Gubbins: [Around the pipe clenched between his teeth] Maybe it fills up with rain water?

05.06.047

Austin : [Blows two smoke rings, watching them drift a little] Perhaps we can gain access via the roof?

05.06.048

Deuce: Maybe, but I think the whole thing is sealed.

Alice: There are seals in it? Cool!

05.06.049

Dur: [Drooling] Let's go free those delectable seals!

05.06.050

Clint: We're going clubbing!

05.06.049

Gubbins: [Takes his pipe from his mouth] There are seals in the Arctic Circle that are over ten foot long! Seriously - I have seen them. ... Easy to h= unt. Wouldn't call it "hunting" really. Same with those common seals, who gather in their hundreds - that's not really hunting either. [Spots Alice's = face and stops talking]

05.06.050

hunt. Wouldn't call it "hunting" really. Same with those common seals, whogather in their hundreds - that's not really hunting either. [Spots Alice'=

Harvey: Well, yes, now let's go see what these seals are up to, what? Perhaps they might be persuaded to aid us?

05.06.051

Charlie: [Exasperated] Do be serious--there are no seals! [To Deuce] Now, who would know more about the water supply situation? Surely Joe Nunpar delegates such things! Isn't there are Chief Water Supply Officer or some such bureaucrat?


;;; Welcome back, John!

05.06.051

Austin : [Looks at the party members doubtfully. Then looks at Deuce, raises his eyebrows and sighs. Sarcastically] Lets hope there are some helpful penguins there too.

05.06.052

Alice: [Nods at Austin's words] I hope so. I met a penguin at the beach one time, and she was wearing a beak-ini.

Deuce: No one seems to be in charge -- Joe oversaw the installation himself, and all that happens now is people queue up for water which is distilled from a tap.

05.06.053

Gubbins: Listen folks, I have travelled over much of this world and I can tell you that water is the one thing that unites us all. Access to water is,= like, a basic human right. Not that HARMA have ever had a problem with trampling over basic human rights but we cannot let them control the water sup= plies like this.

05.06.054

Alice: Agreed, but no one can cast spells because of HARMA. How are we going distribute our potion if we can't put it in the water supply?

05.06.055

Charlie: Perhaps the food supply?

05.06.056

Austin : [Ponders] Or in their champagne?

05.06.057

Gubbins: It's as though Nunpar heard about you peeing in the water tower and has gone out of his way to make his poisoned water supply unassailable.

05.06.058

Harvey: The devil! Let's go give the blaggard a damn good thrashing, what?!?

05.06.059

Alice: Good idea, but maybe we should check out the water tank thing first, to see if it really is guarded by seals.

05.06.060

Charlie: [To Alice, with a sigh] Agreed, we really should get to the bottom of this whole seal issue. [To Deuce] Can you take us there? [Nods at Phoebe] Without bringing IT along, preferably.

05.06.060

Austin : [To the rest of the party] Is it ethically appropriate to conform with this delusional request or is it acceptable as the outcome will be, regardless of the aforementioned delusion, sufficient for our intended purpose, and therefore beneficial to all?

05.06.061

Gubbins: [Stares at Austin] ... Erm, I say we go look at the water tank.

05.06.062

Alice: Yeah, that would make much more sense!

Deuce: Sure thing, I can take you there. It'll give me some time to catch up with uh...

Alice: Alice!

Deuce: That's right!

Alice: [To the party] He always makes that joke!

05.06.063

Austin : [Smiling] It's all in the timeing.

05.06.064

Deuce: [Slaps Alice on the ass] Come on, Pixie Styx, let's look at some tanks!

[Exit ALL except PHOEBE.]


;;; End of scene, next one coming right up

05.07.001

[Book VIII, Act V, Scene VII. The Water Tank. ALICE, AUSTIN, CHARLIE, CLINT, DUR, GUBBINS and HARVEY are here, along with DEUCE. Everyone is now wearing their masks again. The party can see that the tank is probably big enough to hold enough water for two days, and that there are at least twenty HARMA officers around, several of whom are wearing only part of their uniforms.]

Alice: What's with the weird uniforms?

Deuce: There are so many people joining HARMA these days, they've run out of uniforms!

05.07.002

Charlie: [To Deuce, in a low voice] How dreadful! [Spots a pantless HARMA official and gasps] Have they no shame?!

Dur: [Impatiently, stomach rumbling loudly] But where are the seals?

05.07.003

Deuce: No shame and no pants.

05.07.004

Harvey: And, apparently, no seals

05.07.005

Austin : And no penguins.

05.07.006

Harvey: [Considers this] I say, I wonder if they have any polar bears?

05.07.007

Deuce: And no girl with the nicest ass in the world, I bet, because I have that.

Alice: [Enraged] Who's that?

Deuce: It's you, baby!

Alice: [Delighted] Aw! [To the party] Isn't he great? What a charmer!

05.07.008

Austin : [Deadpan] A veritable poet.

05.07.008

Charlie: [To Alice, giving Deuce a dirty look] Indeed. [Surveys the tank] Right, do we see any vulnerabilities?

05.07.009

Harvey: [To Deuce] And *you* will show the lady of the troop [Indicates Alice] some respect!

05.07.010

Charlie: [To Harvey] What do you mean, THE lady of the troop?!

05.07.011

Harvey: Well, obviously I'm referring to Alice, what? Why, is there another lady I wasn't aware of? [Eyes Gubbins]

05.07.012

Dur: [Confidently] I'll handle this, Colonel! After all, I do have a 50% success rate when it comes to sexing humans. [Tentatively pokes Gubbins with a stick]

05.07.013

Alice: [Excited] Well? What does it say?

05.07.014

Clint: Probably "reply hazy, try again."

05.07.015

Gubbins: Excuse me - I *am* here! Maybe I should back and see that Phoebe; *she* didn't appear to be in any doubt about my being a man!

05.07.016

Clint: [Shudders.] Do you really think that's a good idea?


;;; Incidentally, my impression of Dur's inspection:

;;; http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PkEsFvrvfbA

05.07.017

Austin : [To Gubbins] We should probably stick together, besides you may have trouble seeing here, even if she is right infront of you.


;;;; classic :) always worth another watch!

05.07.018

Clint: I hate to say it, but I agree with the lawyer! Anyway, it's not like not seeing her is a bad thing, exactly...


;;; Definitely one of my favorites!

05.07.018

Dur: [Pokes at Gubbins' left elbow urgently] Quickly, now! I must complete my medical investigation. How does this make you feel? Angry? Aroused? Sleepy?

Charlie: [To Dur, scolding] Stop that at once! We haven't time to deal with splinters!


;;; Haha! I'd never seen that!

05.07.019

Alice: Plus, she's so stick like, it would be even worse than what Dur is doing to you!


;;; You people disgust me!

05.07.019

Harvey: Hungry. Definitely hungry.


;;; Heh, nice!

05.07.020

Dur: [To Harvey] Did you see a seal?!

05.07.021

Austin : Perhaps, if we stop dilly-dallying, we can all go and have lunch somewhere nice afterwards?

05.07.022

Clint: Somewhere we can eat with out masks on, you mean! Anyway, how are we going to get the potion into the tank?

05.07.023

Austin : Good question. [Austins surveys the scene]


;;;; is there anyway into the tank? A lid? Is it heavily guarded or

can we walk up to it?

05.07.024

[The tank seems to be completely sealed, and there are at least a dozen HARMA officers around. One of them, HITAKI TAKEI, who the party have never dealt with before, steps up to them, sword drawn. He is naked from the waist up.]

Hitaki: Halt! No one may pass this line! [Draws a line in the dirt with his sword]

05.07.024

Austin : And why would anyone want to?

05.07.025

Harvey: Indeed, the line is not that long. We can easily go around.

05.07.026

Alice: What if we walk alongside it? Wouldn't that also be passing it?

Hitaki: None shall pass! [Extends the line by a good two inches] Hah!

05.07.027

Charlie: What right have you to block our way?!

05.07.028

Hitaki: Orders from Colonel Nunpar himself!

05.07.029

Harvey: [Outraged] Nonsense, by the saints! I am the Colonel here! Now move out of the way, blast you!

05.07.030

Charlie: [Shaking her head at Harvey] Ixnay on the ernal-kay! [To Hitaki, approvingly] Good job enforcing your line in the sand, man. Now, we're off to lunch! [Tries to pull Harvey away from Hitaki]

05.07.031

Hitaki: [Steps up to Harvey] Back off, sir! Back off before I cut you into tiny pieces!

05.07.032

Harvey: I say, that is no way to talk to a superior officer, trooper! [Pointedly, to Charlie] Though he did at least say 'sir'.

05.07.033

Deuce: Take it easy, Harv. We don't want to be creating a scene in front of these guys.

05.07.034

Charlie: Yes, let us assess the tank as best we can and try to make a plan, preferably as inconspicuously as possible!

05.07.035

Harvey: [Grudgingly] Hmph! Very well. [To Hitaki] We'll just be over here, making plans, what? We'll be inconspicuous though, so don't mind us, old fellow!

05.07.036

Austin : Perhaps we could get a man in to repair the original water supply from the tower?

05.07.037

Alice: I bet Deucie could do it, couldn't you, Deucie?

Deuce: Uh, sure, but the tower is empty, so how would we get water back into it?

05.07.037

Gubbins: It looks like that will hold only about two days' supply - maybe we should watch for a couple of days and see how they replenish it.

05.07.038

Hitaki: You'll have a long wait! They never replenish it!

Alice: Hey! Back behind the line!

05.07.039

Clint: Maybe if they never replenish the water, they're cheating and using magic themselves to keep it full! I bet we could use that somehow...

05.07.040

Alice: But I thought they'd made magic illegal? Hey! So no one in the Realms can use magic except them? That's not fair!

Deuce: Maybe not, but it's one hell of a good way of keeping people under control!

05.07.041

Charlie: [Shocked] What hypocrites! I can't believe we work for them!

05.07.042

Clint: [To Hitaki] I can't believe *you* work for them!

05.07.043

Austin : [To Hitaki] Do you have your identification papers?

05.07.044

Harvey: [Sternly] Impersonating an officer of the law is a very serious offence, young man!

05.07.045

Austin : And he is only half dressed, perhaps he stole those trousers from a real HARMA officer?

05.07.046

Hitaki: Elite Water Guards do not carry identification! Now, be off with you, lest you feel my prick. [Waves his sword around]

05.07.047

Charlie: [To the party, in a low voice] Come along! We really must be moving on, before swords are drawn! [Pleased] Hmm, what a delightful little rhyme!

05.07.047

Clint: [Aghast.] I don't swing that way, you kinky bastard!


;;; aaaand I know what video goes with this! =)

05.07.048

[Enter EZRA HARDUP, a man wearing an ordinary suit. He walks past the party and greets HITAKI.]

Ezra: [To Hitaki] Fortuitous greetings, my reciprocal friend!

Hitaki: Hi Ezra! Here for guard duty?

Ezra: Yes, I am here for the eponymous reciprocation.

05.07.049

Charlie: [Puzzled] I'm sorry, what did you say?

Dur: [Studies Ezra] Perhaps he's having a stroke? [Picks up a stick and pokes at Ezra]

05.07.050

Ezra: [Grabs the stick off Dur] Hey! That hurt! [Smacks Dur with the stick] Do not assault a HARMA Officer -- unless you back off, I will have to perpetuate peremptory action! [To Charlie] I said nothing to you -- I was merely reciprocating with my colleague.

05.07.051

Dur: [Backs away from Ezra] I don't know what that means, but I'll stop the treatment, if that's what you want!

Charlie: [To Ezra] Er, sorry! [To the party, in a low voice] Do let's get away from this man at once. His crude assault on language is giving me a headache in my eye!

05.07.052

Harvey: Perhaps, but we must still find a way to distribute the antidote, what?

05.07.053

Alice: [To Ezra] Hey! Where's your uniform?

Ezra: Don't have one. We've run out. So many people have joined in recent times that the supplies have been completely illiterated.

05.07.054

Harvey: And not only the supplies! [To Austin] I say, can an officer of the law *be* an officer of the law without a full and proper uniform?

05.07.054


;;; Forgot to mention, I'll be out from 2PM for a couple of hours

05.07.055

Ezra: Don't reciprocate yourself, buddy. I know you're an Investigator and all, but if you have a suggestion of how to distinguish between us and the plebs, then let's hear it!

05.07.056

Charlie: [Helpfully] Perhaps badges? Or name tags?

05.07.057

Ezra: Not a bad idea, but they might be redundant, because people could simply take them off, or steal them.

Alice: A tattoo across the forehead?

Ezra: Better, but how could we change it if someone was thrown out of HARMA? It's all a bit reciprocal.

Alice: [To the party] I don't think reciprocal means what he thinks it means.

Deuce: What does he think it means?

Alice: All sorts of different things!

05.07.058

Charlie: [To Ezra] Yes, but how often are people thrown out of HARMA, really?

05.07.059

Ezra: You're the Investigators -- you tell me!

;; Out for about 1.5 hours

05.07.060

Austin : [Drly] Not often enough, unfortunately.

05.07.061

Hitaki: Tattooing people for identification purposes is demeaning, it would be outrageous to do it to HARMA Officers. Maybe we should tattoo or mark all the non-HARMA types instead?

05.07.062

Austin : No, that would be equally demeaning. We should all just have colour coded masks or somesuch.

05.07.063

Ezra: Yes, that could be reciprocating. Now, if you'll please move on -- it is a crime to loiter here.

05.07.064

Charlie: Gladly! Come along, group!

05.07.065

Harvey: Perhaps we should arrest them for loitering?

05.07.066

Hitaki: We're not loitering, we're guarding! You might be in charge of everything outside of the water tower, but here, [looks up to the sky] here we're gods! Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to pick up the litter.

05.07.067

Clint: Don't miss that bit of doggie doodie!

05.07.068

Charlie: [Shudders] Yes, well, let us be glad OUR posts are rather more prestigious than this man's, at least!

05.07.069

Gubbins: [Moves out of earshot of Hitaki/Ezra and speaks quietly to the party] I am confused. Are we trying to get at this water supply here, which se= ems pretty much impregnable? Or are we going to investigate the old water supply and see if we can bring it back online?

05.07.070

Hitaki: [Smugly to Clint] That's not doggie doo, it's chocolate. [Pops it in his mouth and eats it, before his face drops] Oh.

Alice: [To Gubbins] Both! Although I think we might have to come up with a different way of giving it to everyone, because this one is so well guarded, and the other one is gone!

05.07.071

Gubbins: [Thinking out loud] Hmm. How about this? If they don't ever replenish this supply, and the old one has dried up, doesn't that suggest that th= ey have redirected it somehow? So that the old supply comes here instead, to where they can control it more fully.

05.07.072

Clint: Maybe we can find out where the town's water comes from and spike it upstream somewhere!

05.07.073

Gubbins: [Growing enthusiastic] Aha! An expedition! Right - we need to survey the lay of the land, find the water courses, locate the reservoirs. Anyo= ne got a map? I shall use my largest calipers. [Reaches into his pack and begins pulling out all manner of miscellaneous ... gubbins]

05.07.074

Alice: I have a map! [Hands over a map of an island that has buried treasure marked on it] I got it in a restaurant!

Deuce: Guys, I'm not sure they have a water supply. My bet is that they are magically generating it inside the tank.

05.07.074

yone got a map? I shall use my largest calipers. [Reaches into his pack andbegins pulling out all manner of miscellaneous ... gubbins]

Charlie: [Excited] Oh, how thrilling! A plan! And equipment!

05.07.075

Austin : [To the Party] Why don't we just torch this place, burn it to the ground.

05.07.075

Gubbins: [Takes Alice's proffered map and tries to make it fit with their surroundings for a moment or two, then gives up] [To Deuce] But that - ... t= hat's cheating! Do you have any evidence for that?

05.07.076

Gubbins: [To Austin] Burn down a water tank?! Are you kidding?! It'd be like the biggest kettle the world has ever seen!

05.07.077

Austin : [To Gubbins] No, silly! Burn the whole house down. With any luck the heat will boil the tank and it will explode under the pressure. [Examine's a finger nail closely, frowning. Gets out a nail file and briefly buffs his nail and smiles at the result]

05.07.078

Alice: It is just more a tank in the middle of the town, Aus -- there's not really any house to burn down.

Deuce: [To Gubbins] No evidence other than the fact that no water has been delivered to that tank since it was built and, even though it's only big enough to hold enough water for two days, it has never run out. Not evidence, just deduction.

Alice: Deuce is ever so good at maths!

05.07.079

Harvey: Hmm, perhaps burning the water tank is a good idea after all, what? [Looks thoughtful] Now, we shall need to acquire a very large sack of ground coffee beans.

05.07.080

Charlie: Perhaps a better idea would be to find the person who casts the spell to create the water? If the spell must be cast every two days, we can surely catch them in the act, no?

05.07.081

Deuce: Unless the spell just keeps generating water, in which case there's no one to catch.

05.07.081

Austin : [Ponders] Hmm, coffee would be nice, I wonder if there is a nice cafe around here someplace.


;;;; sorry, thought the tank was in the mayor's house ? Where are we anyway?

05.07.082

Deuce: Unlikely. Coffee was recently added to the list of banned items.


;;; Nope, we left there a while ago with Deuce. We're in the middle of the town,

;;; right in the open

05.07.083

Charlie: Is anything still legal? Perhaps there is another way to distribute the potions?

05.07.084

Harvey: Can we perhaps spread them through the air - that way, we don't need to find the water source.

05.07.085

Charlie: [Intrigued] Oooh, what an interesting idea, Colonel! Perhaps we could distribute it as a spray mist of some kind?

05.07.086

Austin : [Helpfully] How about as a lip balm? Or mints? Everyone likes free mints.

05.07.087

Alice: That's a great idea! We could put them in pies and pretend it's Christmas. You know, mints pies!

05.07.088

Charlie: [Beaming] Oh, splendid! I do love the holidays. [Sighs] I only wish my daughter could be here. Her first Christmas, and I'll miss it entirely!

05.07.089

Harvey: Ahem, perhaps we could focus on the mission, troop? That little saving the world thing we were doing, what?


;;; Will be out for the rest of the morning

05.07.090

Clint: Well, I say we have a stake out and catch the guy who makes the water!

05.07.090

Austin : [Pondering] Well, we could do a drive by. If we tie one end of a grappling hook to something strong and firm on the carriage, drive past the magic water tank, Gubbins throws the grapple to catch the tank, and we drive off into the sunset dragging the tank behind us.

05.07.091

Alice: Steak and mints pies? Mm-mm!=20

Deuce: You can wait all you want, Clint, but there is no guy. It just happens by itself!=

05.07.091

Harvey: I say, I wonder if they actually make the water, or transport it from elsewhere?

05.07.092

Gubbins: [Facepalm] Of course! From the *old* water source! The water toweris empty, remember.

05.07.093

Deuce: No, they generate the water. The only way to stop them doing that is to destroy the water tower, but is that really what we want to do? After all, what you want to do is distribute the potion, right?

05.07.094

Charlie: Well, what other way have we to distribute it? Someone suggested distributing it by air, perhaps as a mist? Is that feasible?

05.07.095

Alice: Maybe we could ask HARMA to do it for us? After all, they see to have absolute control over the people in the town, and if they told people they had to take it, then take it they would.

05.07.096

Charlie: Not a bad idea! [To Deuce] Perhaps you could tell them that it's some kind of a vitamin suppressant that drains people of energy and makes them increasingly more weak-willed and pliant? After all, you are their Chief Officer of Science and Stuff!

05.07.097

Deuce: [Nods] It certainly is the kind of thing they'd like. The downside is that I'll probably be fired and never given a government job again. On the other hand, if I stay working for HARMA for another five minutes, I'll probably be arrested for stabbing Joe Nunpar to death with a toy unicorn. Let's do it!

05.07.098

Austin : [Put out] I still think mints would be a good idea. We could buy lots of them, soak them in the antidote and then give them out as free breath mints or something.

05.07.099

Deuce: Sure, Aus, it is a great idea. Unfortunately, mints are now illegal so HARMA wouldn't sanction giving them out and, since prohimintion, the black market has seen mint prices skyrocket.

Alice: Mints are illegal?

Deuce: HARMA says that the devil smells fresh.

05.07.100

Harvey: Perhaps we can spike some onions or garlic, what?

05.07.101

Deuce: [Sharp intake of breath] Spicy food? Illegal!

05.07.102

Austin : What about milk? Or weak lemonade?

05.07.103

Deuce: Weak lemonade is fine. Milk? Well, that depends on what animal it comes from.

05.07.104

Charlie: [Delighted] Marvelous, Deuce! Now, why don't you go an have a word with Joe Nunpar about these new [finger quotes] vitamins?!

05.07.105

Harvey: [Sternly] And no assaulting him with toy unicorns!

05.07.106

Alice: Which animals are you allowed have milk from?

Deuce: Cats, giraffes and horses. [To the party] Okay, you guys go back to Harvey's and mix up the medicine. Do you need anything else from me?


;;; The party should have everything they need

05.07.107

Charlie: Oh, yes! Could you get me a replacement ferrule for my pencil? [Embarrassed] I'm afraid I erased rather too vigorously earlier.

05.07.108

Harvey: [Disapprovingly] Private, you've been warned before about doing that sort of thing in public, haven't you, eh?

05.07.109

Deuce: Right. I'll just risk life and limb to save the town from an oppressive regime. [Grabs Alice and kisses her passionately, before giving her a slap on the ass and heading off]

Alice: Gosh, he's so dreamy! Come on, let's get to Harvey's house and prepare the orgasm.

05.07.109

Charlie: But, Colonel, I just had to make a revision to a MOST amusing footnote for my upcoming paper on a new taxonomy for classifying demons!

05.07.110

Clint: Who are you and what have you done with Charlie? Everyone knows that real scientists don't erase anything!


;;; What kind of horrid version control system is Charlie using? =P

05.07.111

Dur: I like erasers -- they're nice and chewy!

[Exit ALL, to HARVEY's house.]


;;; Kevin's back, so please make sure he's copied on all mails, except

;;; the ones where we're complaining about him, of course!

05.08.001

[Book VIII, Act V, Scene VIII. Harvey's House. ALICE, AUSTIN, CHARLIE, CLINT, DUR, GUBBINS and HARVEY are here, sitting around the kitchen table. ALICE has put the potions of dispel magic on the table.]

Alice: Right, so now we just mix this up with water into our special energy sapping thingy, and we're in business. This is so easy I can't believe no one else has done it. [Turns on a tap, but nothing comes out]

05.08.002

Charlie: [Sighs heavily] Yes, well, I guess there is a TINY wrinkle in this plan, after all! [To Harvey] Have you anything liquid at all? Old cans of beet juice? Anything like that?

05.08.003

Clint: [Shrugs and reaches for his belt buckle.] Hey, it worked last time...

05.08.004

Alice: Put that thing away! Who knows where it's been!

05.08.005

Clint: [Shrugs again.] I'm just saying, you want liquid, and we've got a source!

05.08.006

Charlie: Very resourceful, Mr. Scar, but surely the Colonel has some secret stash of liquor or a case of prune juice somewhere, no? [Looks at Harvey hopefully]

05.08.007

Gubbins: [Gets canteen from backpack and sloshes around what little water is left in it] Nothing much here, I'm afraid. I was hoping to get a refill h= ere in town but obviously things quickly went awry.

05.08.008

Clint: If Harv doesn't have any prune juice, what's the plan? Go to the next town and buy some?

05.08.009

Gubbins: I could nip out and get us some leeches, if you like.

05.08.009

Charlie: Goodness, no! Something as decadent as prune juice has surely been outlawed by now.

05.08.010


;;; John is out today

Harvey: Gah! I fear this old soldier's k-rations are completely out, what with us having been out adventuring for the last few months, what!

Alice: Hm, given that water is rationed, it would take ages for us to get enough, even if we did add in Clint's disgusting pee. [Clicks her fingers] Hah! I have it! You know who has lots of water? Fish!

05.08.011

Austin : [To Alice, playing along] But do you know any that have some to spare?

05.08.012

Alice: Not personally, no, but anyone who has a pet fish in Queens View must have a tank to keep them in, right?

05.08.013

Austin : That would be the usual approach to storage of live fish. [Sighs] So, who do we know that has fish?

05.08.014

Clint: Probably one of the HARMA freaks has 'em. Seems like the kind of crap they'd pull, doesn't it?

05.08.015

Harvey: By the saints, troop! Surely everyone in the town has a fish? Ah, I remember the pet fish I had when I was a child. Rover, I called him. We would play for hours, me throwing sticks for him, him not getting them. [Thinks for a moment] Gah, he was a lazy salmon!

Alice: Why don't we say there's a law against having domesticated fish and that there's an amnesty if people bring them to the Investigators? That way we can just sit back and watch all the fish come flooding in!

05.08.016

Austin : [To Alice] That might just work. What would we do withuot you!


;;;out for rest of day prolly!

05.08.017

Alice: [Smugly] Probably look a whole lot less attractive and smell a lot less like fish. [Thinks] Er, that is, well, you know what I mean!

05.08.018

Charlie: [Wrinkles her nose in distaste] What sort of people would have a fish for a pet? I suppose we should target people who seem especially joyless and prim. You know, the fussy sorts who cover their furniture in plastic and claim to be allergic to fur?

05.08.019

Austin : [Frowns] Are you implying that you own a fish for a pet?

05.08.020

Alice: Well, Charlie, you better say goodbye to Fido, because he's about to become illegal!

05.08.021

Dur: So once we aquire all that water... What are we going to do with all the fish?=

05.08.022

Alice: Take them to a secluded area in the forest and let them fly to their freedom!

05.08.023

Charlie: Marvelous! We have a plan. Now, let us go look for fish-owning saddos!

05.08.024

Alice: Well said. [Aggressively to Charlie] Hand over the fish!

05.08.025

Charlie: [To Alice] Do be serious! I have cats, not fish. They are an entirely more socially acceptable pet, not to mention precious and perfect in every way!

05.08.026

Dur: [Nodding enthusiastically] Especially when roasted!

05.08.027

Alice: Maybe we should make up some signs? People always respond well to signs that threaten them.

05.08.028

Austin : Some kind of domesticated fish amnesty? Two hours to hand over your fish bowl and or tank, as the case may be, or die?

05.08.029

Harvey: I say, wouldn't we want the tank as well, since that contains the water we require, what?

05.08.030

Clint: Better make sure we tell 'em we need the fish alive and with water!

05.08.031

Dur: [Firing up the stove] Yes, the fresher the better!

Alice: [Holds up a sign] What do you think? It says "Fish or Die".

[Unfortunately, "fish" is spelled wrong, as is "die", as is "or".]

Alice: [Beaming] Isn't it great?

05.08.031

Charlie: Quite right, Mr. Scar! Where shall we have them bring the fish and tanks? [Whips out a notepad and scribbles furiously]

05.08.032

Alice: Why don't we get them to bring them here? That way we could sit on the couch for a while.

05.08.033

Charlie: Right! How's this? [Dramatically reads from her note] People of Queens View! Surrender your domesticated pet fish, alive, with fish tank still containing water, to the address below. You must do this before midnight tonight or face harsh consequences. Don't worry, your lives will be richer once you've found a proper pet. Might I suggest a cat? [Beams proudly] What do you think? Perfect, isn't it?!

05.08.034

Alice: Perfect! Now, if only we can find a billboard half a mile across!

05.08.035

Austin : Let's just hope they can read, and don't get bored too easily.

05.08.036

Clint: Are you kidding? This is Queen's View!

05.08.036

Harvey: And like cats, by the saints! And they don't decide to destory the evidence by feeding the fish to the cat.

05.08.037

Alice: [Nods at Austin's words] True -- most of them have already lost interest, and they haven't even been told about it yet!

05.08.038

Charlie: [Busily working on a sign] Well, I don't hear any suggestions for the revision, so here is the finished product! [Holds up a big sign patched together with 20 pieces of notepad paper, which are stuck together with tiny bits of gum] Rather resourceful, wouldn't you say?

05.08.039

Dur: [Frowns] Resourceful wasn't the word I was going to use.

05.08.040

Harvey: I don't know Private Dur. It's full of paper, and that's a kind of resource, what?

05.08.041

Alice: [Disapprovingly] It's not as snappy as mine, but I suppose it'll do. Come on, let's scare some civilians!

[The party put on their masks and head out. There are a few people milling about outside.]

Alice: Well, it's a pity they don't have their fish with them, but I'm sure we can scare them into going home to get them.

05.08.042

Austin : I wonder how the laundry proles are washing clothes? They must be using huge amounts of water. [Ponders]

05.08.043

Alice: I don't know, Aus, they look pretty rank to me. I mean, look at that one, he's just disgusting. [Points at Clint]

05.08.044

Austin : [Grimaces] Ewww!

05.08.045

Gubbins: [Checking his own shabby, travel-stained appearance] Uhm, well, you know ... sometimes it's not always convenient to, er ... or easy to get h= old of ... hmmm.

05.08.046

Harvey: I assume they might provide their own water, so to speak? It would explain the smell, what?

05.08.047

Alice: [Takes a sniff of Clint] No, it's something much, much worse.

Clint: [Does a finger gun] Click-click!

Alice: Ew! I didn't mean THAT much worse!

05.08.048

Austin : Perhaps we should instigate a door to door search?

05.08.049

Harvey: Absolutely, Private Sleaze! And then, a fish to fish search, by the saints!

05.08.050

Alice: No, no, no! Don't you people know anything about bullying innocent citizens into giving up their legally held items? They gotta bring the items to us! You know, like how the Booby Inspectors can arrest you unless you show them your boobs?

05.08.051

Charlie: [To Alice] There is no such thing as a [finger quotes] Booby Inspector! [Hesitates] Unless, of course, she (or he!) is a qualified expert in mammography.

05.08.052

Alice: Of course there is such a thing -- it was written on his t-shirt!

05.08.053

Charlie: [Horrified] You don't mean that dreadful little man who kept trying to give us beads?! [To Harvey] Colonel, why aren't you watching her more closely?!

05.08.053

Dur: [Mouth agape in shock] You can read?!

05.08.054

Austin : [Defensively] Perhaps he read it to her.

05.08.055

Alice: Well, he did, but in my defence, I *was* blind folded at the time!

05.08.055

Harvey: We shall report this charlatan later, after we do something horrible to him such as making him eat Dur's cooking... [Gazes off into the distance] Hmm, speaking of cooking...

05.08.056

Alice: Hey, enough about my pert and adorable boobies, we have a town to intimidate! Now, come on, everyone stay frosty, we need to be subtle here, we need to court them, like a fake booby inspector does with drunken co-eds at Gradi Mars. Everyone, be alert. [Suddenly jumps out of her skin as someone taps her on the shoulder.]

[Enter SARAH FALIN, a little old lady with a slightly creepy smile.]

Sarah: What're you doing? Making a sign? I like signs, [nods] oh yes, I like signs.

05.08.057

Charlie: [To Sarah, authoritatively] But do you like fish? Because, if you do, we insist you give us your fish at once!

05.08.058

Sarah: Oh yes, dear, I love a bit of [rubs herself salaciously] carp.

05.08.059

Charlie: [Disgusted] Do go away. We have important business, and if you haven't any fish in water tanks, you shouldn't be here!

05.08.059

Austin : We are only interested in domestic aquatic pets, and have specific interests in aquatic welfare, hence we need to inspect and test the tanks, bowls and water, in addition to the fish themselves. If you do not own a domesticated aquatic pet, please move along.

05.08.060

not own a domesticated aquatic pet, please move along.> Sarah: Can't I just stay here and watch the fish being delivered? I won't do any harm, I'll just hang out here, rubbing myself against this post.

Alice: Uh, how about we give her ten percent of any fish she helps round up?

05.08.061

Charlie: We aren't going to let her molest fish. It isn't decent!

05.08.062

Austin : [To Charlie] Alice's idea has great merit. We should engage the public in our endeavours, it will help this plan go along much more smoothly. This old crone may know every domesticated aquatic pet in the town, intimately. Who better to help us than a local who loves fish?

05.08.063

Harvey: Indeed, Private Sleaze! Why, I remember many occasions when we would, ahem, *recruit* willing natives to stand in front of our lines and stop the enemy advance, what?

05.08.064

Alice: And if the willing natives are old crones with an unhealthy fascination with fish, well, all the better!

05.08.065

Harvey: [Blinks] Hmm, well I suppose that would confuse and wrongfoot the enemy, eh, my dear?

05.08.066

Clint: It certainly confuses and wrong foots me!

05.08.066

Charlie: Those poor fish! [To Sarah] You there! Busy yourself by gathering up as many fish tanks containing water as you can find. In return, we shall [shudders] let you have your way with any fish you find in the process. [Sternly] But do it privately. In your own home. Nowhere near children.

05.08.067

Sarah: Do it with children? [Gives a creepy smile] Alright! [Produces a bell from somewhere and heads away, ringing it] Bring out your fish! Bring out your fish!

05.08.068

Charlie: [To Sarah] And fishbowls containing water!

05.08.069

Sarah: And your water! HARMA Investigators say so!

[Slowly people start to drift out of their homes, many of them carrying fish tanks and bowls.]

05.08.070

Charlie: [Delighted] How splendid! My plan is working perfectly!


;;; That's my three!

05.08.071

Austin : [To Charlie] Which plan is that?

05.08.072

Charlie: [Vaguely, but cheerily] All of them, of course! [Claps her hands briskly] Now, let's find a bigger container to capture this water, and quickly!

05.08.073

Alice: Let's get Harvey's bath tub! Come on, we can carry out here and put a sign on it to make it look all official-like.

05.08.074

Clint: [Shudders.] Those poor fish!


;;; Limited posting for me next few days. I have a faculty interview Wed

;;; and am prepping for it. Should be back to normal later in the

week, but am

;;; working to slowly regularize my schedule to more normal 9-5 sorts

of hours,

;;; so we'll have to see how that goes.

05.08.075

Charlie: They shall be remembered as noble sacrifices for the greater good, Mr. Scar!

05.08.076

Clint: Plus, we can give 'em to Dur so he stops eating your journal. Right. Let's go get that bathtub! [Goes to drag Harvey's bathtub outside.]

05.08.077

Harvey: And let's give those fish a damn good bath! [Frowns]

# I'll be out for a couple of hours

05.08.078

Alice: I think you mean, let's give those damned fish a good bath!

[Exit the party into the house.]


;;; End of scene, next one coming up in about 30 mins

05.08.078


;;; nothing from me for about an hour

--- On Mon, 28/11/11, Conor Ryan <conor.r@gmail.com> wrote:

y@hanson.biz>, "DAVID HORN" <davidnhorn@btinternet.com>, "Tom Henderson" <th4@rice.edu>, "qvblogger@gmail.com" <qvblogger@gmail.com>, "djmalzie" <djma=

05.09.001

[Book VIII, Act V, Scene IX. The Cottage. CHARLOTTE PARKER-PUSSINGTON, COLONEL FLUFFY WHISKERTON SHORT III, HOWL-ICE BASSETT SHORT, KIT SCAR, PAW-STIN SLEAZE and PURR TiRAG are here, outside it. The cats are frolicking under a full moon, with HOWL-ICE and CHARLOTTE chasing each other up a tree, COLONEL FLUFFY and PURR lapping ravenously at a cup of spilled milk, KIT pouncing on a piece of string, and PAW-STIN grooming himself fussily on a nearby window sill.]

Fluffy: Miaow!

Purr: [Rubbing his face in the milk] Miaow!

[CHARLOTTE and HOWL-ICE suddenly face each other up, and CHARLOTTE hisses at HOWL-LICE, chasing her back towards the others. HOWL-LICE crashes through the milk, soaking FLUFFY and PURR, before leaping onto the window sill and knocking PAW-STIN off it, much to his chagrin. Fortunately, he lands on his feet.]

Paw-Stin: Hiss!


;;; End of scene, next one coming right up!

<a href=http://www.queens-view.com/cast.php?query=Charlotte%20Parker-Pussington>CharlotteParker-Pussington</A> <a href=http://www.queens-view.com/cast.php?query=Colonel%20Fluffy%20Whiskerton%20Short>Colonel Fluffy Whiskerton Short II</A> <a href=http://www.queens-view.com/cast.php?query=Howl-ice%20Bassett%20Short>Howl-ice Bassett Short</A> <a href=http://www.queens-view.com/cast.php?query=Kit%20Scar>Kit Scar</A> <a href=http://www.queens-view.com/cast.php?query=Paw-stin%20Sleaze>Paw-stin Sleaze</A> <a href=http://www.queens-view.com/cast.php?query=Purr%20TiRag>Charlotte Parker-Pussington</A>

05.10.001

[Book VIII, Act V, Scene X. Harvey's house. ALICE, AUSTIN, CHARLIE, CLINT, DUR, GUBBINS and HARVEY are here, having just arrived in. Everyone looks a little freaked out.]

Alice: What the hell? You all just turned into huge cats! [Points at Charlie] And I think you chased me!


;;; Unless you've been told otherwise, as far as your character is

concerned, they did NOT turn into a cat,

;;; everyone else did!

05.10.002

Harvey: Indeed, the rest of you transformed into cats. What happened, by the saints? [To Alice] Though I feel obliged to point out that you, also, turned into a cat. In fact, I was the only one to remain normal throughout the whole episode, but then I'm used to that, what?

05.10.003

Charlie: You know how much I dislike contradicting you, Colonel, but in the interest of truth, I must. You also were a cat, I'm afraid. [Sighs] I'm the only one who wasn't a cat. And it would have been so interesting to know how they really think!

05.10.004

Gubbins: Not at all. *I* was not a cat! You all were though. Frolicking about, playing with string and you [points at Austin] , you were licking your p= rivates.

05.10.005

Charlie: [Nods, trying not to laugh] He's quite right, Mr. Sleaze. It was most disgraceful! [In a low voice] You really should brush your teeth and have a gargle before attempting to speak.

05.10.006


;;; Dom's out until the afternoon

Austin: [Smugly] Unlike you, Charlotte, my privates are always superbly clean.

Alice: Actually, Gubbins wasn't even there, was he?


;;; He wasn't!

05.10.007

Charlie: What on earth does this mean? Were we enchanted? How much time has passed? Can anyone tell? [Looks around for clues]

05.10.008

Alice: Well, according to this clock, it's 12.15. [Peers at the clock] Hey! That's not a clock at all! It's a picture of one!

[It is a clock. If it is right, then ten minutes has passed.]

05.10.008

Harvey: Splendid! It's time for lunch!

05.10.009

Austin : Excellent leadership colonel. Does anyone know of a reputable restaurant in this town?

05.10.010

Dur: I don't know anything about restaurant's but there did look to be a servicable dump around the corner!=

05.10.011

Gubbins: Some kind of communal flashback perhaps? Have you all been transformed into playful kittens before?

Alice: Sure! It was kind of weird, though. [Looks at the others] Well, I can't speak for them, of course. [To Austin] I don't think there are any restaurants left. That's HARMA for you!

05.10.011

Charlie: Isn't anyone else alarmed that all of you were cats for approximately ten minutes?

05.10.012

Harvey: Again, I feel I have to point out that you also turned into a cat. *I*, on the other hand, remained human. A slightly peckish human, but human nonetheless.

05.10.013

Alice: So, everyone thinks everyone else turned into a cat? Well, what else do they remember? After I leapt onto the window sill and almost knocked Austin off, I do remember there being something damp on my tail. Huh. Maybe I was a cat!

05.10.014

Harvey: Indeed, you were! [Pauses] Wait, did you all think *I* turned into a cat? [Laughs nervously] Well, of course, that's just preposterous, by the saints!

05.10.015

Charlie: [Muses] Perhaps a cat does not know she is a cat! [To Harvey] Colonel, I can assure you, you were a cat. And quite a precious one, at that. I think we can only conclude that we were ALL cats. But WHY?

05.10.015

Austin : You most certainly were a cat, colonel. I could see you and the others quite clearly from where I was sitting. I was the only one who was still human. [Checks his nails casually] It does see as though we all had a very similar experience. Yet another shared dream, or hallucination.

05.10.016

Charlie: Indeed, that does appear to be the case, Mr. Sleaze. Though this was quite a bit shorter, at least. Still, it is very worrying that we can be overtaken at any time by these peculiar flights of fancy!

05.10.017

Alice: And why cats? That's just weird. Maybe what we were doing is a clue? What does it mean when a man wants to lick his testicles, Aus?

05.10.018

Austin : Simple. It means that he is alive. [Chuckles}

05.10.019

Harvey: Um, well, of course, that is, indeed! I can't imagine a dead man doing such a thing. [Frowns] Though I'm sure there are simpler ways to check someone's vital signs.

05.10.020

Austin : Ewww. Colonel, I was not suggesting that you use it as a means of testing for a man's vital signs. I merely meant, as you so correctly interpreted, that a dead man would not participate in such pastimes.

05.10.021

Charlie: [Primly] Perhaps not a dead man, but most certainly a very lonely man!

05.10.022

Austin : [Curiously] Why lonely?

05.10.023

Clint: Because a man with friends can get one of his friends to do it for him? If he's into that kind of thing, anyway.

05.10.024


;;; David's out today

Gubbins: Okay, Clint, if you really want to, I guess you can lick mine!

05.10.025

Harvey: [Moves to cover Alice's eyes] Gah! Not in front of the lady, by the saints!

05.10.026

Charlie: [Giving Alice a skeptical look] Right. Perhaps we should refocus on making the fake vitamins? Surely we have enough fishy water by now.

05.10.027

Alice: Agreed! Let's grab this bath and heft it out. [Gestures to the large, free standing bath]

05.10.028

Clint: [Goes to help with the bath.] Say, this cat crap... maybe it has something to do with all the fish or something? I mean, cats eat fish, right? It's a sign!


;;; [Ah-nold voice] Id's nod a sign.

05.10.029

Austin : Maybe it was something to do with the mad old cat lady?


;;;; out most of the day

05.10.030

Harvey: I say, Troop, maybe the mad old cat lady is trying to steal our fish so she can feed her cats? [Frowns] Hmmm, something smells a little bit fishy here...

05.10.031

Alice: [To Austin] You mean Charlie?

05.10.032

Charlie: First of all, thirty is quite young, really. Secondly, I scored higher than anyone on the psychiatric exam at the Watcher's Academy! [Proudly, as an aside to Austin] I only saw sensible things in the inkblots, none of this [dramatically] I see flying fanged panda bears who are intent on murdering my mother! [Continues brightly] And thirdly, I only have a very reasonable number of cats. So, you see, I am not crazy, nor old, nor a [finger quotes] cat lady, though I do like cats. [Defensively] And there's nothing wrong with that!

05.10.033

Harvey: [To Charlie, kindly] Yes, yes, and it's not your fault if you smell of fish, we understand, don't we troop?

05.10.034

Charlie: [Huffily] I do not! I smell of cucumber and chamomile tea. Now, let us move this bathtub!

05.10.036

[Everyone grabs hold of it and it is soon on the way out.]

Austin: [Not really holding anything] Heave! Heave!

05.10.037

Austin : [To Charlie] The highest scores on the psychiatric exams, you must have been so proud! [Chuckles. To the others] Heave!


;;;; back in the office just a min

05.10.038

Alice: [Looking a little green] Uh, I think I might be about to -- I guess I shouldn't have eaten that green furry thing from the bathroom. What was it, Harvey?

05.10.039

Charlie: [To Austin] Of course I am proud. I can prove that I am 4% saner than anyone the Academy has ever graduated!

05.10.040

Harvey: [Frowns] Furry green thing? You didn't eat my cheese, did you?

05.10.041

Alice: It tasted more like Brello Pad. [To Charlie] That's a pretty low bar, in fairness, Charlie.

Gubbins: [Struggling under the weight of the bath] Er, is anyone else lifting this?

05.10.042

Dur: [Heaving and Hoing] What does the test measure? If it is a test that measures how crazy an individual is, then I would hardly brag about how high= a score you got, Chuck.

05.10.043

Alice: Lifting? I thought we were trying to hold it down!

05.10.044

Harvey: Lifting? By the saints, I'm too worried about my cheese to be lifting bathtubs around!


;;; You know how Harvey gets when you move his cheese....

05.10.044

Charlie: [Takes a rest from heaving and hoing. To Dur] It's a sanity test, not an insanity test! [Hesitates] Well, it does measure other things as well, such as [starts ticking off items on her fingers] how much you think about sex, your relationship with your penis-- [quickly] that is, Pestilence! PARENTS! PARENTS is what I just said! Do be quiet!

05.10.045

Alice: You have a penis? Cool! It's all stinky like boys' ones?

05.10.046

Charlie: [To Alice, baffled] What on earth do you mean? [Puts her hand up] Wait, I'd prefer not to know! Now, let us abandon this task and instead bring the fishbowls to the bathtub, chop-chop!

05.10.047

Austin : [Snickering] I am fairly certain that psychiatric tests only ever test for insanity, the higher your score the more insane you are. [To Charlie] Sorry old girl! [Does cross eyes and crazy finger gesture to the others]

05.10.048

Alice: [Nodding] And he ought to know!


;;; No posting today!


;;; We've a new player starting tomorrow, that's Drew. Please make sure that

;;; he's on the distribution list from now on.

05.10.049

Charlie: [To Austin, dryly] Yes, childish hand-gestures, you make a very cogent argument, Mr. Sleaze. [To the party] Now, let's start moving those fishbowls!


;;; Welcome, Drew!

05.10.050

Harvey: What you troopers get up to in your own time is between a Private and his, er, you know, his privates. Now get back to work!


;;; Hi Drew. Also neglected to say hi to David, so Hi David!

05.10.051

Alice: Right, best put our masks back on and, hey, look! [Points at the window, where Tompars Paris is looking in]

05.10.052

Charlie: [Gasps] Quickly, get your masks on! Perhaps he didn't see us!

05.10.053

[Everyone puts their masks on as fast as possible.]

Tompars: Hah! Too slow!

Alice: [To the party] Do you think we got away with it?

05.10.054

Austin : [To Alice] Do we care? There are alot more of us, and we are inquisitors, after all.

05.10.055

Alice: Well, first of all, we're Investigators, and second, although there are more of us than him, when we tells his HARMA buddies who we really area, there'll be a lot more of them than us!

05.10.056

Harvey: [Smiles broadly at Tompars] Would you like a fish, sir?

05.10.057

Austin : [To Alice] Surely that should be 'if' he tells the other HARMAS?

05.10.058

Tompars: [To Harvey] I'm going to be too busy telling on you!

Alice: Good point, Aus. I mean, if someone were to break his jaw or something, then he'd probably find it difficult to blab.

05.10.059

Charlie: Quickly! Grab him!

05.10.060

Alice: [Grabs Austin's arm] Got him!


;;; Out until about 2.30-300

05.10.061

Charlie: Not HIM! [Tries to grab Tompars]

05.10.061

Austin : [Looks down at Alice's grab, then looks at Alice] Tompars, grab Tompars, not me! [To Charlie] You really need to be clearer in your instructions, otherwise you will never be premoted to any form of leadership role. [Rolls his eyes and sighs]

05.10.062

Harvey: [Drily] Yes, Tompars, grab yourself!

05.10.063

Content-Type: text/plain; charset=us-ascii

Tompars: [Grabs his crotch] Fa Napoli! --Apple-Mail-8917CC1D-0636-4D31-A4A0-24B9A24A1FFE Content-Transfer-Encoding: 7bit

05.10.064

Charlie: [Tries to grab Tompars] Get him, group!


;;; And NO, not his crotch!!

05.10.065

Dur: [Goes for Tompars] Stop in the name of the fish!


;;; I think thou protest too much Heather :p

05.10.066

Harvey: [Tries to tackle Tompars]


;;; [Tries to look innocent of all wrongdoing...]

05.10.066

Austin : [Waits for the others to grab Tompars first, then tries to grab him by the collar] Bad taste police! Stop right there!

05.10.065


;;; : O

05.10.067

Tompars: Hah! See you, suckers! [Turns and runs, smack into lamp post]

05.10.068

Charlie: [Relieved] Splendid! Our ambush worked precisely as planned. Help me bring him inside, group! [Goes to drag Tompars inside]

05.10.069

Alice: Huh. Look at that. He's unconscious, but he's still holding his crotch!

[Before long, TOMPARS is dragged in.]

Gubbins: What'll we do with him?

05.10.070

Austin : [Tieing Tompars up] Tie him up, gag him and search him, of course. [Curiously] Why, did you have something else in mind? [Looks Gubbins once over in disgust]

05.10.071

Gubbins: I thought we might do something worse, like make him listen to you.

05.10.072

Dur: I say we eat him and make the world a better place! [Licking his chops!] =

05.10.073

Harvey: By the saints! Maybe we should just make him listen to you lot bicker! Come on, troop, we have work to do.

05.10.074

Charlie: I quite agree, Colonel! Let's make some fake vitamins!

05.10.075

Alice: Right, should I put the potion in the bath now? Or do we get the water first?

05.10.076

Harvey: I'm not sure. Men tend not to mix potions into their bathwater - I believe that's something women usually, what? So as the resident expert on [Careful emphasis] womanly goings on, what do you think, Alice?

05.10.077

Clint: [Carefully.] About mixing potions and bathwater, he means!


;;; Back in town today. Kind of exhausted, heading to bed early, hopefully

;;; will be around in the morning (for me, that is!). Also, hello Drew!

05.10.078

Alice: Oh! Oh, I see. Well, first of all, we need lots of candles, preferably sandalwood, then some delightful, gentle sounds of whales and the ocean, lots and lots of bubble bath, oh, and a big fat cheeserette and ice cold beer.

05.10.079

Charlie: [To Alice, giggling girlishly] I'd prefer a warm man to a cold beer-- [flushes, stammering] Do be sensible, Alice! I suggest instead we mix up a big bathtub of fishy water and potion, and then we decant the mixture into smaller bottles and label them as some sort of wonder vitamin.

05.10.080

Alice: Right, let's go get some fish!

[Exit ALL, carrying the bath tub.]


;;; End of scene, next one coming right up

05.11.001

[Book VIII, Act V, Scene XI. Outside Harvey's house. ALICE, AUSTIN, CHARLIE, CLINT, DUR, GUBBINS and HARVEY are here, having just arrived with the bath. There is a huge queue of people here, all carrying fish tanks of some description. At the head of the queue is a local weirdo and renowned fish collector, MATT AGUT, whom most of the party know from having spent time in Queens View.]

Matt: This is an outrage! Why am I in this queue? I don't have any fish!

[He is carrying two fish tanks, has large, fish tank earrings, and is pulling a salmon along on a leash.]

05.11.002

Harvey: Ahem, you appear to have a salmon on a leash, what? Last time I checked, that was a type of fish.

05.11.003

Austin : [Looking at the salmon] Surely that is illegal.

05.11.004

Matt: That's not a salmon! [Shakes his head, sloshing water around] It's a terrier. Get him, Spot!

[SPOT appears to be quite dead.]

05.11.005

Austin : Have you been feeding him enough?

05.11.006

Charlie: [To Matt] You cannot fool us, you silly man! Surrender your fish at once.

05.11.007

Matt: [Head drops as he hands over the salmon] Okay.

Alice: Tanks.

Matt: You're welcome.

Alice: No, I mean the tanks, we want the fish tanks too.

Matt: [Sighs and hands them over] Damned HARMA.

05.11.008

Harvey: [To Matt, disapprovingly] I hope you're not going to cause a scene here, eh? Now, move along before we take you in for, um, causing a scene.

05.11.009

Austin : [Nods in agreement] Yes, we hate scene causers alot.

05.11.010

Matt: No, I'm not going to cause a scene. What do you take me for? [Suddenly shouts] Death to HARMA! [Tries to run away, but steps on a carelessly discarded salmon and bangs his head off the tub]

05.11.011

Charlie: [To the crowd] And let that be a lesson to the rest of you!

05.11.012

[There is a sudden surge of people handing over their fish, and the party struggle to keep up with them, but manage to completely fill the bathtub.]

05.11.013

ub.]

Dur: [Raising his arms in victory] Woohoo! We did it! [Looks puzzled] Errrr... What were we doing?=

05.11.014

Alice: [Sloshing some healing potion into the bath] We're making a potion to heal everyone of that spell HARMA cast to stop magic, and we're going to tell HARMA that it's to help keep the people down -- Deucie is currently telling HARMA about it. Gosh, he's so dreamy!


;;; Remember, this was Charlie's suggestion in 05.07.096

05.11.015

Austin : [About to say something but stops] You ... erm, so what are we going to do next? Exactly?

05.11.016

Alice: [Shrugs] Idunno. Maybe stand around and bitch about our lack of a plan?

05.11.017

Austin : That's a terrible plan, you really should be much more proactive. Why don't we start getting people to drink a cup of our 'HARMA' endorsed water?

05.11.018

Alice: What kind of idiot would agree to drink that?

05.11.019

Harvey: A very thirsty one?

05.11.019

Dur: [About to drink the water] Drink what?

05.11.020

Gubbins: [To Alice] Would you like a drink? [Scoops up some water in a cup and hands it to Alice]

Alice: Don't mind if I do! [Knocks it back] Mm! Tastes like dirty!

05.11.021

Alice: Dur! For God's sake! What kind of idiot are you?

[Enter JOE NUNPAR, along with several HARMA Officers and DEUCE, who is wearing his mask. They clearly mean business.]

05.11.021

Charlie: Don't drink that! It's for the townsfolk. Now, we need to make a sign or something to help legitimize our "Miracle Water." Perhaps something colorful, with rhymes!

05.11.022

Alice: How about Otter Water? That rhymes, doesn't it?

Joe: [Striding up to the party] Ah! Great to see you! My Special Advisor on Science and Stuff has told me great things about you!

05.11.022

Harvey: [Enthusiastically] Ah, well he must be an intelligent man then, what?!?

05.11.023

Charlie: [Modestly] He is really too kind, though I must say, we are terribly pleased with our work. Are you here to discuss the vitamin drink?

05.11.024

Joe: [Appalled] Vitamin drink? I thought it was a vitamin suppresent? To keep these [waves to some by-standers] under control! Why would we want to make them stronger? What the hell is wrong with you people? Heads are going to roll, roll, I say!

05.11.025

Charlie: [Quickly] Oh, I am sorry! What I meant to say was [finger quotes] vitamin drink [awkwardly winks at Joe] .

05.11.025

Last from 24

Harvey: [To Joe, in a low voice] Of course it's a suppressant, but we're not going to tell people that! We've told people it's part of a health initiative.

05.11.026

Joe: Oh, I see. Right. [Gives Charlie a wink back] Health Initiative, very good.

[JOE spots the by-standers who look horrified.]

Joe: Oh, it's fine. Just take a quick drink of this and you'll be super strong. [To the party] Isn't that right?

05.11.027

Austin : Well, super healthy at any rate, just watch [Takes a quick drink. Brightly] Oooh, I feel better already. Quite yummy really.

05.11.028

Clint: That's right! Come one, come all! Drink up! HARMA knows best!

05.11.029

Joe: [To Austin] What the hell are you doing man? It's okay to weaken the plebs, but not our Investigators! [Turns to the horrified people nearby] Not you, you're going to get some really strong vitamins, mm-mm!


;;; Gone for the weekend!

05.11.030

Charlie: [To the crowd] Come along! Drink your vitamins!

05.11.031

Clint: Good for the whole family! HARMA tested, HARMA approved! Strong enough for a man and pH balanced for a woman!

05.11.032

[The townspeople trudge forward, each taking a cup of the water, clearly not buying the vitamin story at all.]

Joe: Excellent! It looks like this is all in order. Right, let me know as soon as it starts to take effect, I'll be in my house. [Exit Joe]

05.11.033

Clint: Bottoms up, everyone!

05.11.034

Harvey: Not taking your health supplements is a very serious offence!

05.11.035

Gubbins: [Aside, to party] Anyone know exactly what kind of effect we are likely to see here, if any?


;;; Back in the Gubbins saddle now ... as it were. And hi Drew.

05.11.036

Charlie: [To Gubbins, in a low voice] We hope it will serve to disenchant the anti-magic spell HARMA cast on the drinking water! [To the townsfolk, sternly] Take your vitamins AT ONCE.

05.11.037

[Various HARMA Officers start pushing the townspeople, encouraging to take the drink. One of the locals, PETER COHEN, who was one of the first to take the drink, suddenly leaps onto the hood of a carriage.]

Peter: They really are vitamins! Quickly! Everyone take some!

05.11.038

Charlie: [Applauds Peter] Wonderful, a testimonial! [To the townsfolk] Now, drink up!

05.11.039

Austin : [Has another glass] It is rather good. [To the crowd] Get it whilst it is still free!

05.11.040

Harvey: Indeed, this is an introductory one-time offer!

05.11.041

Peter: It's true! This stuff is great!

[The townspeople start pushing and shoving, all eager to get a drink.]

Alice: Huh, we should probably start charging for this! [Spots something back in the house] Oh no! Tompars has got loose!

05.11.042

Charlie: [To Peter] You, there! Make sure everyone gets a drink. [To the party] Let us make a hasty retreat before Tompars spots us!

05.11.043

Harvey: Alright, Troop, fall back on the double! Quick march!

05.11.044

Tompars: [Pulling off his gag, and coming to the window] Hey! Hey!

[Enter SEBASTIAN LIAM CREED, coming up behind TOMPARS and smashing a vase over his head, knocking him down and unconscious. Everyone, including the HARMA Officers on the street, turn and look, but only see SEBASTIAN, not TOMPARS.]

Sebastian: Er, keep up the good work.

Alice: What the hell?

05.11.044

Austin : [Sees Sebastian] Eww. What an amazingly creepy looking fellow. [To the party] Quick, lets hide from him before we have to have a converstion.


;;; welcome New guy - Marc-Andrew ? Is that your name?

05.11.045

Gubbins: Hide? Whatever for? Seems to me like we may have an ally in that man and we can use every one we can get.

05.11.046

Charlie: [To Gubbins] I quite agree! [To Sebastian] Thank you for your assistance, but perhaps you should join us all in retreating at once! [To the party] Quickly!

05.11.046

Alice: Agreed! Come on, let's find out what he's doing in Harvey's house!

[The party head into the HARVEY's house to meet SEBASTIAN.]

5.11.047

Content-Type: text/plain; charset=ISO-8859-1

Sebastian: [Nods to Charlie] Yes I agree, don't want this guy waking up with me still standing over him, could be quite awkward. [Is about to exit the house when the party enter]


;;; Hey everyone. Thanks for all the welcomes. Technically yes my name is

Marc-Andrew, but just call me Drew, it's what I prefer. Been enjoying what

I've read so far.

--20cf307ca0c224c91f04b3596763

5.11.048

Content-Type: text/plain; charset="us-ascii" Content-Transfer-Encoding: quoted-printable

the house when the party enter]

Dur: Not as awkward as if he woke up to you standing over him naked!

--_000_B96870A1BA16904491A1E702A34C176908EC9AAD81GRPMMIRVG701g_

05.11.048

Dur: Not as awkward as if he woke up to you standing over him naked!

Austin : [Shudders] What an afwul thought.


;;;; Welcome Drew!


;;; Please everyone use my googlemail e-mail

(djmalize@googlemail.com), not my work e-mail !! Thanks

5.11.049

Content-Type: text/plain; charset=ISO-8859-1

Sebastian: [Smirks at Dur] I think that would shock me too. I have no idea why I would have stripped him naked after knocking him out. [Chuckles a little] The name's Sebastian, Sebastian Creed. [Reaches out to shake hands with Dur]

--20cf307ca0c2ca345804b359ae8f

05.11.050

Alice: Noooooo! [To Sebastian] Don't touch him, Sebastian! We know where he's been! So, uh, how come you smashed [gestures to Tompars] him over the head? Not that we object to that, or anything!

5.11.050

Harvey: By the saints, be careful Dur! This fellow looks an unusual sort, and there's no telling what bizarre practices he may get up to! [Looks at Dur, then reconsiders] On second thoughts, never mind!

05.11.051

Clint: He's trying to shake hands with Dur, so he's got to be weird! [Gives Sebastian a nod] I'm Clint. Thanks for helping us out.


;;; Dom, you missed a few mails as there was a typo in your

;;; address from an earlier mail. I'll sort out the comment in the log

05.11.052

Charlie: [Offers Sebastian a hand] Dr. Charlotte Parker-Kensington, though I am commonly called Charlie. You were quite bold in your defiance of HARMA! Have you fallen into trouble with them?

05.11.053

Alice: That's not the only thing she's commonly called!


;;; I've fixed Dom's address -- please make sure there

;;; are no more propagation errors floating around by

;;; checking you have the right address for him

5.11.54

Content-Type: text/plain; charset=ISO-8859-1

Though I'll need you to sign a few [cough] documents promising you won't

Sebastian: Nice to meet you Dur [Looks at Alice confused] I'm sure his hygiene can't be that bad. [To Dur and Clint] Nice to meet you guys. [To Harvey] Well, I do like to dance, a bizarre kind of dancing you might say. [To Alice] Why? [Scratches his head] You guys looked like you were doing something to help people, and this guy looked like he was trying to stop you. Plus you don't exactly behave like you're typical HARMA Officers, so I thought I'd lend a hand. [To Charlie] Pleasure to meet you Charlie. What field do you specialise in? I'm a physisist myself. To answer your question though, more like they fell in disfavour with me. Another story for another time though, we need to get out of here before he [Nods to Tompars] wakes up right?


;;; So sorry for the length of this post guys. I'm used to forum posting

and I would get so far and I'd get another mail through. I'm a stickler

for continuity and not ignoring people if I can help it lol

--f46d043bdf9e338e7604b35a000e

05.11.053

Gubbins: [Also offers his hand] Yes, well done that man. My name's ZebediahColeridge.

05.11.054

Harvey: [Disapproving] We'll have no bizarre dancing in my troop, Private!

05.11.054


;;; Was still incorrect

05.11.055

Gubbins: [Rolling his eyes] Don't worry about him; he's fine unless he's peckish. [Pauses] And he's *always* peckish!

05.11.056

Harvey: There's absolutely nothing wrong with enjoying a good meal, Private Gubbins. And now if we have had quite enough insubordination in the ranks, we should resupply - I'm getting peckish!


;;; It's a pretty accurate description of Harvey!

05.11.056


;;; BTW, out for a couple of hours

5.11.57

Content-Type: text/plain; charset=ISO-8859-1

Sebastian: [To Gubbins] Worry about who Zeb? Dur or master drill sergeant over there? [Shakes his head chuckling as Harvey speaks up] Nevermind.

--20cf307ca0c298049604b35a606c

05.11.058

Alice: Hm, I wonder if the potion is working yet. [Pulls back a curtain to reveal that the townspeople are rioting, burning down anything HARMA related that they can get their hands on.] I guess so.

05.11.059

Austin : [Sniffs the air] Pheweee! Nothing quite like the fresh scent of revolution upon the air. [Smiles] So, what next? Back to finding the missing children?

5.11.059

Sebastian: [Sees the riotting] What potion did you give them? Must be one hell of a potion to make them hate HARMA just like that.

5.11.059


;;; AFK for about 30 minutes or so guys. Got company round for a coffee

05.11.060

Alice: Nah, they always hated HARMA, they just couldn't do anything about! [To Austin] I think so, let's just slip out of town and find them. [Turns to Sebastian] Fancy coming along? I'm sure that when Tompars wakes up, he'll come gunning for you.

5.11.060

Clint: [Matter of factly.] We made 'em drink water we got from old fish tanks and put in Harv's bathtub. I'd riot too!


;;; While we're on the subject, it's my work email, not my yahoo email. :)

;;; Hopefully, I've got us all sorted now.

5.11.061

Charlie: [To Sebastian] We're distributing a dispel magic potion, so that HARMA's enchantment that prevents spell-casting will be broken! [Proudly] We broke the spell in Apraxia earlier, as well. [Face darkens] Though in a far more disgusting way.

5.11.062

Harvey: I say, perhaps we should leave, given that we are impersonating HARMA Investigators, what?


;;; Are we still wearing HARMA uniforms?

5.11.063

Content-Type: text/plain; charset=ISO-8859-1

Sebastian: [To Clint] Yeah I can't say I blame them for rioting then [Chuckles softly, then stops and turns to Alice and Charlie] Say that again?


;;; I think you are still wearing them as I never saw a post made to say

anyone had taken theirs off

--bcaec51ba3f3adf92c04b35bb870

5.11.064

Alice: [Startled] Uh, that again.

[The party are wearing normal clothes, but are still wearing the masks.]

5.11.065

masks.]

Clint: Riiiiight.


;;; Mostly just getting us back on the right email account for me!

5.11.066

Charlie: [To Sebastian] We're defying HARMA, and you'll almost certainly want to join us, as you've knocked a HARMA agent on the head. [Confidentially] I've always said we could really use a physicist in the group!

5.11.67

Sebastian: [Raises an eyebrow at Alice then turns to Charlie] Well if you are against HARMA then I am definately against you. Mind if I take a swig of that potion you brewed up?

5.11.067

Austin : So we have a mathematician, a physicist, a colonel, a lawyer, a doctor, someone obsessed with weird animals, someone obsessed with killing weird animals, and a smelly guy who likes to kick things. [Laughs] Sounds like the dream team!

5.11.067


;;; That last post of mine had a typo in it. I meant to say

"definately with you" and just noticed I'd typed "definately against

you".

5.11.068

Gubbins: [Looks askance at Austin] Hey - which one am *I*? ... No, don't answer that!

5.11.069

Charlie: [To Sebastian, modestly] I am a world renowned cryptozoologist. Should you chose to join us, I'll make sure you receive a copy of my dissertation and most influential articles.

5.11.070

Alice: Wow! Gubsy is a mathematician, a physicist, a colonel, a lawyer, smelly and obsessed in various ways with animals? Pretty freaky!

5.11.071

Austin : [To Alice, nodding in agreement] He's pretty weird alright!

5.11.072

Sebastian: [Chuckles at Alice] Thanks Charlie, I'd appreciate that. Come on then, lets get me some of that potion and we can all get out of here, away from HARMA.


;;; Did anyone get the other 2 emails I sent earlier? They are

showing on the site. I have to duck out for a few hours, Conor if

needed would you control Sebastian for me please?

5.11.072

Harvey: [To Charlie, surprised] You'd give him a copy of your dissertation? [Frowns] I'm confused - are we trying to encourage him to join us or scare him away?

5.11.073

Charlie: I'm trying to encourage him, of course! If I wanted to scare him away, I would mention that I need to verify the spelling of his name so I can add it to the list of people Pestilence isn't to maim or permanently injure!

5.11.074

Austin : [To Sebastian] Pestilence is her demon boyfriend, and the father of her demon-human hybrid child, and I mean that in the most literal sense. [Casually checks his nails] You may want to run away screaming at this juncture.

05.11.075

Sebastian: That might attract too much attention -- how about quiet panic instead?

Alice: [Peers out the window] Oh oh!

05.11.076

Austin : [To Sebastian] Quiet panic would be preferable. [To Alice] What is the problem?

05.11.077

Charlie: [Looks outside] Oh, dear! What is it now?

05.11.078

Gubbins: Sounds like we might have to move out. Time for a quick inventory then. [Settles down and starts rummaging through his numerous and copious p= acks, bringing out various items and setting them aside before securing them in or on his backpack once more.]

05.11.079

packs, bringing out various items and setting them aside before securing them in or on his backpack once more.]

Harvey: It's not Pestilence, is it?

05.11.080

Alice: It's not always about some floozie's squeeze, you know! [Points outside] Look, they've got Deuce!

[This is true. DEUCE looks like he's being held by several HARMA officers, including JOE NUNPAR.]


;;; Joe is the head of HARMA

05.11.081

Charlie: [Gasps] Nunpar must have uncovered our scheme. We must help Deuce at once! [Assesses the situation] Can we take them in a fight, do you think?


;;; How many of them are there, Conor?

05.11.082

Gubbins: [Without looking up from his inventory ... -ising] Let's not be=20 hasty. There are how many of us? And hundreds of HARMA officers within=20 shouting distance. It's a shame and all but Deuce seems like a resourceful=20 chap; I'm sure he will talk his way out of this.

05.11.083

Charlie: Certainly, he's brilliant, but there's no reasoning with HARMA, especially if he's been caught red-handed, so to speak. We can't just leave him to rot in a HARMA prison. Those places are dreadful!

05.11.084

Gubbins: Chances are he's just taking the blame for the fish-water thing.=20 He'll blame us, failure to implement sufficient checks and controls, that=20 kind of thing. Order an inquiry. Nunpar and HARMA love that kind of thing.

05.11.084

Austin : Perhaps we can enlist the assistance of the rioters?

05.11.085

Charlie: What a splendid idea, Mr. Sleaze! [Starry-eyed] A revolution--how wonderfully exciting! Come along, group! Let's go agitate the people!

05.11.086

Alice: Great idea! [Turns to Clint] You're a stinky oaf! [To the party] This is great!

Joe: [Calling in to the party] Lay down your weapons or Deuce will be summarily executed.

05.11.087

Austin : Perhaps we should leave by the back door. Or a side window.

05.11.088

Harvey: Splendid idea Private Sleaze! Let us sneak out at once and outflank the enemy! [Heads for the front door]

05.11.089

Alice: Hey! We're not going to leave Deucie, are we?

05.11.090

Charlie: No, we are NOT! [Goes to the front door and calls out to the crowd] People of Queens View! Rise up against your HARMA oppressors! [Starts chanting] Revolution, NOW! Revolution, NOW!

05.11.091

Dur: [Looking a bit nervous] Hopefully they don't destroy Queen's View in the process!=

05.11.092

[The riot is still in progress, but HARMA do seem to be getting it under control.]

Joe: Hey, I just want to talk...

05.11.093

Harvey: And you thought taking one of my niece's friends hostage and threatening to kill him was a good way to begin a nice friendly chat?

05.11.094

Alice: He's not my friend -- he's my *fiance*!

Joe: Well, it's friendlier than my second choice of opening the chat.

05.11.095

Harvey: [To Alice] Fiancee? Is that another word for "friend"?


;;; Gonna be out for a couple of hours again. Meetings meetings meetings...

05.11.096

Alice: Sure! [To Joe] What was your second choice?

Joe: To have various HARMA members throw their feces at the house and then burn it down around you.

05.11.096

Charlie: [To Joe] You let him go at once, or we will further rouse these townsfolk to revolution!

05.11.097

Joe: There's no need to be unpleasant about it -- yes, we're sworn enemies, but hey, can't we just get along?

05.11.098

Charlie: [Chanting loudly] Revolution, NOW! Revolution, NOW!

05.11.099

Alice: I don't think it's working, Charlie, the townspeople are losing!

[Splat. Something hits the window nearest the party.]

Alice: Ew! Someone just threw some chocolate at us!


;;; Out for about 1.5 hours!

05.11.100

Dur: [Dips a finger in it and tastes] I don't think that's chocolate.


;;; Yay! A new low for Dur!

05.11.101

Charlie: [Wails] How horrible! My first revolution is a total failure!


;;; EWWWW! Kevin, whyyyyyy?!

05.11.102

Dur: [Cleaning his finger with his tongue] Perhaps we should get Joe to speak to you in a disapproving manner so that Pestilence will completely over-= react and rip him limb from limb? You know, just like he did to your dad!


;;; I thought that was why you guys kept me around?

05.11.103

Gubbins: [Watching Dur with distaste] Tell you what though, the throwing=20 of faeces is a very basic indication of disapproval among the plains=20 people of Makka-Bardesh. They smear cattle dung on their bodies when they=20 go out hunting. I remember this one time when we were - ... sorry, not=20 now. I get it.

5.11.104

Sebastian: [To the party while watching Dur in disgust] You guys actually let him travel with you? [Shakes his head slowly and looks outside, muttering to himself] I have to get some of that water. [To Harvey] Ok Sergeant, any tactics for this situation from your military training? I don't know your friend out there, but if he's close to you guys it would be wrong to just abandon him to HARMA.


;;; Sorry I was gone for so long, expected to be back about 2 hours ago.

05.11.105

Alice: We don't let him travel with us, he just follows us around!

[JOE and several HARMA officers approach, bringing DEUCE with them.]

Deuce: I think he's telling the truth -- for once!


;;; Careful of those leading zeroes, Drew!

05.11.106

Harvey: [To Sebastien] Do you want to shake hands with Dur again? [Huffily] And it's *Colonel* thankyouverymuch, Private! [To the Party] We should keep Nunpar occupied by appearing to negotiate, while Private Gubbins and Private Scar attempt to sneak behind him and free Deuce.

05.11.107

Alice: Great plan, Uncle Harvey! Gubsy, Stinky, the door is over -- oh. Hm, HARMA are already there!

[The party appear to be surrounded.]

05.11.108

Harvey: Gah! We're outflanked, troop!

05.11.109

Alice: Outflanked? Maybe. Outdanced? Never! [Starts dancing on the spot]

Joe: [Strolling into the house] Stop that. It's very annoying.

[ALICE stops.]

05.11.110

Charlie: [To Joe] What do you want from us, Nunpar?

05.11.111

Sebastian: [Whispering to Charlie as Joe is entering] Haven't got any of that anti-HARMA potion you guys just made on you by any chance have you?

05.11.112

Charlie: [To Sebastian, whispering] No, sorry, it's all in that bathtub!


;;; I'm out all day tomorrow. Be kind to Charlie!

05.11.113

Clint: Maybe we can head for the rooftops!


;;; Ugh. That was annoying. Comcast just randomly cut out on me last night,

;;; as occasionally happens.

05.11.114

Joe: Just calm down. We need each other.

05.11.115

Clint: [Skeptical.] Just how the hell do you figure that?!


;;; I mean, really! =)

05.11.116

Joe: Look at what happened when Clementine was here. Heaven on earth. Good took over, and now we're vulnerable to demon attacks from other dimension. Until HARMA took control. [Slowly and emphatically] The world needs evil.


;;; You know it makes sense! :)

05.11.117

Clint: [Mulling it over.] It *would* explain Charlie's marriage...

05.11.117

Harvey: [Reasonably] It is possible to have too much of a bad thing, you know.

05.11.118

Austin : Yes, well, we all know it about balance. The problem is that HARMA are not really evil. They're just dicks, so they never achieve anything appart from being really anoying and getting in eveyones way.

05.11.118

Joe: And that's why I need you. Sure, your incompetence is laughable, your sense of style offensive and your general level of cleanliness, well, frankly frightening, but it's all about the balance.

05.11.119

Joe: [Gives Austin an unbearably smug smile] We'll see. [To the other HARMA officers] Let's go. Give them ten minutes to vacate the town and, if they're still here, burn the house down around them.

[Exit JOE and his goons.]

Alice: Huh. What just happened there? Did we win? I think we did, but he seems a bit too happy about it.

Charlie: Let's just call it a draw.


;;; End of Book VIII, Act V. Next one coming right up.