[Book VIII, Act IV, Scene I. A clearing in a forest. ALICE, AUSTIN, CHARLIE, CLINT, DUR, HARVEY and MAC are here, standing around. They all look quite different from their normal selves; ALICE's hair is done up in loads of ringlets and her (adequately, but not overly) flouncy underwear is around her ankles; AUSTIN is made of wood; CHARLIE is dressed in raggedy clothing and has quite a bit of soot and dust on her; CLINT is a seven foot tall green monster that smells even worse than he normally does; DUR is tall and teutonic, wearing lederhosen; HARVEY is completely naked and MAC only a few inches high.]

Alice: [Does a double take] Huh? What?


Charlie: [Looks around, surprised] Who are YOU? [Looks down at herself] And why am I in such a state?!


Harvey: [Gags] By the saints, what is that smell!?!? [Looks at Clint, then moves away] Standing near you will ruin my fine robes!


Alice: They're already ruined! Ew! Ugly naked guy! [To Charlie] Uh - I don't know!


Charlie: [Looks at Harvey and gasps, shielding her eyes] Oh, do put on some clothes! There are ladies present!


Clint: [Shakes his head.] More importantly, there are men present! [Looks around at the group, carefully skipping Harvey.] Well... a man, anyway.


Harvey: What are you talking about? Naked man? Where?


Austin : [Admiring Maplin (his left forearm)] My, what a beautiful grain, Maplin, you are really rather striking in this light. [Carefully feels the smooth polish of his arm, looking at it adoringly. To Clint] Don't you think he is beautiful? [Shows Maplin to Clint]


Clint: [To Harvey.] You! You're naked! Nude! Exposed! Without a stitch on! [Focuses on Austin's arm.] Uhh... are you hitting on... [Focuses desperately on Charlie.] How *you* doin'?


Alice: [To Harvey] It's you! You're the ugly naked guy! [Looks down at her feet] Hey! [Pulls up her underpants]


Harvey: Who, by the saints? Clearly you're not referring to me, as I am fully clothed in the finest robes available. [Poses to show off his 'robes']


Charlie: [To Clint, turning green and holding her nose] A bit confused, I must say, but I should think there is something terribly wrong with you! [To the others] I don't think a healthy creature should have an odor like that. [In a low voice] Likely he is diseased or dying, so it's probably best to break that to him gently.


Mac: What's going on? Who are you people? [Pointing at Harvey] Why is ugly naked guy strutting around?


Alice: [Bends over and looks at Mac] Aww! He's so cuuuute!


Charlie: [Goes to see Mac, as well] Ooooh, what is it, a talking doll?! And so realistic!


Mac: I am *not* a doll, thank you very much!


Alice: [Excited] I bet he *is* a doll!


Mac: [Turning to Alice] Didn't you just hear me say I'm not a doll?


Harvey: Is *he* the naked man? He doesn't look naked!


Austin : [Suddenly realises where he is] Hey! Where in heavens name am I, and who are you [emphasis] ugly people?


Harvey: [Noticing Austin for the first time] And who are you, sir? I don't suppose you could make yourself useful and get some firewood or something, what?


Austin : Me? I am beautiful and well dressed! Where as you are neither [Indignantly] Who in heavens name are you? And where are your clothes! Only beautiful people should impose their nudity upon others! [Exclaims] Have you no taste? [Scoldingly] Where is your sense of moral and ethical responsibility. The sight of you is making me feel quite ill!


Charlie: [Squints at Austin curiously, pointing at him] Hmm, I think maybe HE is firewood!


Alice: Hang on a second -- does *anyone* know anyone else is?


Alice: Maybe [points at Mac] the doll is wooden too?


Mac: [Sharply to Alice] Look Miss Bangles, I am not wooden. Nor am I a bloody doll! I have no idea why I'm so short but I assure you it comes it quite handy, *especially* for looking at flouncy underwear.


Alice: I really can't imagine what kind of people you are in the habit of spending time with, if they let you look at their flouncy underwear! [Her underpants falls down around her ankles again]

;;; Gone for 1-1.5 hours!


Charlie: [Gasps and holds her skirts close to her. To Mac] You keep away from my skirts, you disturbed little man!

;;; Out for an hour or so!


Mac: [To Charlie reassuringly] I wouldn't, I was just trying to disturb her [jerks his head at Alice] for being mean to me.


Harvey: [Getting distracted] Anyway, I wonder where the blazes we are?

;;; Out for an hour!


Dur: [Says with a wide, reassuring smile] Besides, there are far worse things than this wee gent that could get under your skirt madame!=


Alice: [To Mac] Hey! What did I do? I said you were cute!


Charlie: [Claps her hands] There now, that is quite enough! [To Austin] You are quite like firewood, you must admit, though obviously we could never burn you. The screaming would be quite unsettling, I suspect! [To Mac, cooing] And you are perfectly dear, like a little kitten! I shall make you my pet and protect you. [Attempts to pick up Mac and tuck him in an apron pocket]


Austin : [To Mac] You have to admit that is alot better than being called firewood!


Austin : Ohh, get a load of you Ms Princess charcoal. Who appointent you leader of the world?


Charlie: [Sensibly] Well, I am the only one fully clothed [gestures to Harvey and Alice] , human [nods at Austin and Clint] , adult [pats Mac's head with her finger] , and [hesitates, regarding Dur for a moment] --well, clearly I am simply better all around than [points at Dur] him.


Alice: [Pulls up her pants] It's not my fault that there's something wrong with my pants!

[The party hears a low moan from the trees.]


Austin : I wonder what that was. [To Charlie] As self appointed leader, perhaps you should go and see?


Mac: I'm still an adult! I think...


Charlie: [To Mac] The best way to tell would be to check your teeth, but I'm afraid there's no time for that now. [To Austin, tossing her hair] Oh, I shall! [Strides toward the noise] Helloooo? Are you hurt?


Harvey: And I am also human, adult, and I might add, fully clothed in the best robes money can buy! Just as important, I am a man.


Austin : [To Harvey] We are all quite aware of your gender. You genetalia are clear for all to see, unfortunately. [Follows Charlie to see what is groaning. To Charlie] Can you see anything?


Alice: [Sadly to Harvey] You must be very, very poor.

[CHARLIE addresses the tree line, and the party suddenly realize that it is one of the trees that is making the noise. This is FINEGLASS.]

Fineglass: Ohhhhhh!


Mac: [To Harvey] Whoever "sold" you those robes duped you. [To Charlie] Are you sure that calling out is the best idea? They could be the cause of our memory loss.


Charlie: [To Fineglass] Hello, there! Are you in distress? I believe we have located your son [gestures to Austin] .


Harvey: My dear, I would not be able to afford robes such as these if I were poor. I say, what's that tree moaning on about


Austin : [To Charlie] My parents are quite clearly deceased! Where as I expect your's are merely relieved.


Fineglass: He's not my son, although I can see why you might think he is, after all, he does look like a woodchip off the old block! [Roars laughing]

Alice: I think I preferred when he was in distress!

Fineglass: Of course I was in distress, listening to you lot bicker so!


Austin : [Smiles] Well, perhaps you could tell us where we are, and if you are able, who you think we are.


Fineglass: Why, you are in Wounderland! [Points to each of them in turn] Alice, Austin, Charlie, Clint, Dur, Harvey and Mac!


Austin : Austin, hmm, sounds like an excellent name. It reminds me of sophistication, dashing, intelligence, wisdom, but also fun and creativity. [Smiles] That will do nicely.


Charlie: [Skeptically] Do be serious! Charlie isn't a feminine name.


Dur: [Laughs robustly] So my name is Dur is it? Oh well, it could be worse!Right "Charlie"?=


Harvey: I wonder how we got here?


Alice: [To Charlie] Maybe you're a guy?

Fineglass: [To Harvey] You walked here.

;;; Gone for the day!


Charlie: [To Dur and Alice] Clearly, there's an error. He is, after all, only a tree! [To Fineglass] No offense.


Mac: Charlie is clearly short for Charlotte, if that is feminine enough for you? Mac on the other hand... hmm, I wonder what it could be short for? Sounds rather *mysterious* wouldn't you say [looks around expectantly]


Harvey: And why wouldn't it be short for "Charles"? I don't see why any man would want a feminine name, anyway. [Dawning realisation] Oh, you're one of *those* types of, ahem, *gentlemen*.


Charlie: [To Harvey, full of curiosity] Ooooh, what type of gentleman do you mean? [To the others] Sexual deviance is not one of my areas of expertise, but I must admit I find it rather fascinating! [Taken aback at her own words] Goodness, I certainly don't sound like a proper lady, do I? I wonder who I am?!


Clint: [As if it's the most obvious thing in the world.] Mac is probably short for "I'm a 3-inch-tall Scotsman," and Charlie probably means "my parents really just wanted a boy."


Mac: Hey! Being 3 inches can come in very handy. And I'm certainly not Scottish I thank... wait, what's a Scott?


Alice: Maybe it's short for Maction Figure?

Fineglass: [Big sigh] Why aren't you worried about the fire?


Clint: Because unlike some people, I can walk and I'm not made of wood, and also because I have no idea what the hell you're talking about.


Alice: Austin is made of wood and can walk.

Fineglass: Look behind you! At the castle!

[The party all turn to look and see that there is a huge castle a short distance behind them. It is completely engulfed in flames.]


Harvey: Nonsense! This is clearly a case of a barbecue that has gotten out of hand. We would never do such a thing because [With considerable pride] we know how to handle our barbecues!


Mac: Did we... erm... did... did w-we cause... erm... you know... t-that?


Clint: Right on, ugly naked guy! Men will cook when fire and possible explosions are involved!


Charlie: [Looks at the fire and gasps] Oh, dear! I do hope everyone was evacuated safely!


Fineglass: It was a dragon that caused it -- most people in there were killed, and it kidnapped the princess!

Alice: Hey! Maybe *I* am the princess? You know, what with the beautiful hair and all?

;;; Out for 1.5 - 2 hours


Harvey: If so, I'd say the dragon did a spectacularly bad job of kidnapping you.


Charlie: [Appalled] How horrible! Where did it take the princess? [To Alice] The REAL princess, I mean. Not you. You are clearly an ordinary girl with a frightful stage mother who enters you into [finger quotes] beauty pageants in a hopeless effort to recapture her fleeting youth and glory.


Mac: [Scoffing uncontrollably at Alice] You, princess! Don't make me laugh. A princess wouldn't be dressed up like a want-to-be porcelain doll.


Clint: Maybe that's why the dragon failed to kidnap her!


Harvey: Aha! A clever disguise, eh?


Austin : Perhaps it was a hastely assembled disguise, which might explain why it looks so silly and her pants keep falling down. Perhaps the dragon kidnapped a dummy princess instead?


Harvey: Now, don't you think the poor girl has had enough trouble, what with being kidnapped by a dragon, without being called a dummy as well?


Charlie: [To Austin] That is rather a clever idea, but why hasn't she guards protecting her, if she's the real princess?


Austin : [Shrugs] Perhaps we are the guards, with random disguises, and we have had our memories wiped so that we cannot give away the true identity of the princess?


Mac: An interesting idea. But how can we be expected to protect the princess without our memories? Perhaps the wiping of our memories was an attack on the princess?


Austin : Sometimes the best way to protect something is to make sure that no one even knows that it exists!


Charlie: [Excited] Brilliant! Then perhaps we should take the princess far away from here, in case the dragon realizes his mistake. [Frowns] Though I do wonder what will happen to the fake princess, poor thing! Being a dragon's captive surely isn't pleasant, though I would be rather interested to get a good look at one, close up.


Dur: You've never seen a fake princess up close?


Alice: Well, I think we've established once and for all that I am the princess, so I think we need a whole lot more bowing and scraping and stuff.

Fineglass: [Laughs] Hah! She's not the princess! You think the dragon is an idiot?


Harvey: Of course I've seen a fake princess up close! It was... um... Well, I saw one anyway, and she looked exactly like [Points at Alice] her.


Austin : [To Finegless] Indeed, she is not the princess, thank you for reminding us. Where abouts is the dragons lair? [Sniffs the air] And what on earth is that ungodly smell [Glances at Clint] Eewww, nasty!


Alice: Oh yeah? And when was that?

Fineglass: I don't know, somewhere scary, I suspect. I think I know where the dragon might be, though.


Harvey: [To Alice, waving his hand vaguely] It was... Oh I don't know! I lead a hectic lifestyle, what with... [Waving his hand even more vaguely] something happening all the time. I can't remember every little thing that happens like meeting princess and whatnot.


Alice: You're so old and creaky I'd be surprised if you can remember anything!

;;; Out for ANOTHER hour!


Charlie: [To Fineglass] Oh, how exciting! Where could we find the dragon?


Fineglass: Probably feasting on the Queens Tree, I suppose.


Charlie: What a dreadful creature! Isn't it enough that he stole her daughter?! Where can we find this tree?


Austin : And could you be so kind as to tell us which direction or how to get to this Queens Tree, please?


Fineglass: It's that way.

Alice: Which way?

Fineglass: The way I'm pointing to!


Harvey: And which way is that?


Fineglass: Can you not see that huge appendage sticking straight out?

Alice: Ew! Is that your, you know, lad?

Fineglass: No! It's my nose! [To Harvey] Straight ahead.


Harvey: [Currently facing in the wrong direction] Right you are, oddly-shaped tree-thing! [Marches off 'straight ahead', the direction he's facing]


Alice: Oh my God, old man! Where are you going?


Harvey: He said this place was straight ahead. I was facing this way, so it must be this way!


Clint: [To the rest of the party.] I think "Harvey" here is getting too old for this kind of thing, what with the senility and the nakedness and the senility about being naked and that sort of thing. [To Harvey, being very, very kind.] Here, Harvey, why don't you sit here and talk to the tree for a while. Won't that be fun?


Fineglass: No!


Charlie: In any case, we don't want to just go dashing off after a dragon! We need to be clever and stealthy in our approach. [To Fineglass] How close are we to this Queens Tree?


Clint: We've got a midget on our side. How much more stealthy do we need to be?


Alice: He's not a midget, he's a [mouths the letters] D - U - L - L!

Fineglass: It's about ten minutes walk.


Mac: [To Alice] I am not dull! Oh, you meant doll and just can't spell. How about you go play dolly with yourself and let the adults discuss what to do next?


Charlie: Let us approach the dragon, very carefully and quietly, stop at a safe distance, then send Mac in to take a closer look!


Harvey: We should send Austin as well, with all that flame-retardant wood and all, what?


Clint: Yeah, good idea, Charlie. [Rolls his eyes.]


Alice: [Taken aback at Mac's unkind words for a moment, but then gives a big smile] Aw! He's so cuuuute!


Alice: [Nods at Clint's words] We could catapult him in! Maybe we could attach a really long string to him so we can get him back?


Charlie: Goodness, no! How could we be sure of our accuracy, from this distance? And it would take him ages to get back to us with those little legs of his. Best to all go together, as I command--uh, suggested, [raises an eyebrow at Clint] unless you'd prefer taking orders from someone who smells like a series of bad decisions,that is!


Clint: [Firmly.] I'll have you know that "A Series of Bad Decisions" is a natural, manly musk to which other colognes can only aspire!


Austin : Hmm, what a choice, follow someone who smells like a series of bad decisions, or follow someone who looks like a series of bad decisions. [Ponders]


Harvey: Indeed, a clear head and focused mind is required to lead this, er, group, and so I am the obvious candidate. Move out, people!


Austin : Excellent! Well, as long as I can walk infront of you, I'd rather avoid the view from behind. [Heads off towards the Queens Tree.]


Alice: Just don't let him get too close, Austin!

[Exit ALL.]

Fineglass: Great, let's check out this dragon. [Tries to move] Hey! I'm stuck! Man, I hate being a tree.

;;; End of scene, next one coming right up


[Book VIII, Act IV, Scene II. The Queens Tree Clearing. ALICE, AUSTIN, CHARLIE, CLINT, DUR, HARVEY and MAC are here, right at the edge. The clearing is huge, at least three hundred feet across, and there is a massive tree in the middle, with fantastic looking golden apples, each about a foot in diameter. Beside the tree is a fearsome looking yellow DRAGON, that is eating the apples.]

Alice: Wow! Those apples are almost as golden as my golden hair!


Charlie: [In a whisper] Does anyone see the princess?!


Harvey: Are agreed that this princess isn't Alice?


Alice: No!

[A nearby flower spots the party. This is SAM BEAU.]

Sam: Hey, dumb asses!


Charlie: [Jumps] What?! [To Sam] Who are you, you rude thing?!


Harvey: Maybe he wasn't talking to us?


Austin : Maybe he would look good in Alice's hair?


Alice: Anybody would look good in *this* hair.

Sam: [To Austin] You're a dumbass! [To Harvey] And yes, dumbass, I was talking to you.


Austin : [Laughs] Why would I care what a stupid plant thinks? [Looks around at the scenery]


Harvey: Especially one with such a limited vocabulary, what? Can't you think up any better insults than "dumbass"?


Charlie: [To Sam] Yes, do be quiet, or we shall pluck you!


Dur: [Still Smiling] Perhaps he has us confused with some other dumbasses!


Mac: Well I never! How can such a flower be so rude?!


Austin : [Admiring the dragon from afar] Well I don't think that it required any great amount of effort or intelligence.


Harvey: Maybe he was talking to himself? Anyway, we should have a closer look at this dragon, what?


Sam: Yeah, dumb ass, you do that. [To Austin] I sure hope that your wood burns easily, dumb ass.


Charlie: [Glares at Sam] Let's move away from this horrid flower! [Starts carefully moving toward the dragon] Come on, I'd like to get a close look at the dragon! It's quite beautiful, wouldn't you say?


Austin : Yes, quite stunning. I wonder if it get's it's golden pigment from the apples?


Alice: [As the party move slowly closer] it is magnificent -- almost as magnificent as my hair, in fact!


Harvey: Now, my dear, it's not nice to insult the dragon.


Alice: [Peers at Charlie] Oh. Is that what we're calling her now?


Charlie: [Makes a shushing motion toward Alice] Do be quiet! We'll end up burnt to a crisp if the dragon hears us. [Cranes her neck to look around] I don't see the princess anywhere! [Frets] I do hope she hasn't been eaten.


[The DRAGON stops eating and looks directly at the party. It doesn't look happy.]


Charlie: [To Alice] Now look what you've done! [To the others] RUN!


Dur: [Still smiling, though beads of sweat begin to appear on his brow] Yikes! That doesn't give me a happy feeling in my stomach!=


Alice: Do what the dragon says! Run!

[The DRAGON starts moving towards the party and gives a deafening growl.]

Alice: Yikes! Its breath smells even worse than Clint!


Harvey: [Shifting uncomfortably] Er, yes the, um, dragon's breath. Right you are! That's what that was! Not me letting go a little at all.


Mac: [Making sure he's securely tucked in to Charlie's pocket] Do make sure our retreat is a hasty one.

;;; I'm out tomorrow.


Clint: Broads and puny wimps first! [Looks around at the party forlornly.] Oh, damn. [Moves to cover the retreat.]


Charlie: [To Mac] You're in no position to give orders! [To the others] Hurry, this way! [Runs in the opposite direction of the dragon]


Alice: We're all gonna diiiiiie!

[The dragon charges towards the party at speed, and they duck into the forest, running for their lives. SAM calls out as they run.]

Sam: Damn cowards! [Tries to bite Austin's ankle as they run past]


Harvey: Maybe the dragon will set fire to Sam


Clint: [To Sam.] Oh, shut up, dumbass.


Sam: Don't call me a dumbass, dumbass!

[The dragon roars and breathes fire onto the forest, causing many of the trees to scream in pain. Fortunately, the party are shielded from the initial impact of the flame. However, they keep running as burning branches start to fall on them.]

Alice: I don't know who we are, but I'm pretty sure we don't spend our time fighting dragons!


Charlie: We DO seem spectacularly unprepared for it, don't we?!


Harvey: Blasted thing almost singed my robe! Why, if I had my sword...


Clint: [Glances at the wooden man.] Some of us less than other!


Alice: It's getting closer! Which way should we go?


Charlie: Hmm, I've got the strangest feeling that we should go north. [To the others, apologetically] I really don't know WHY, though! Perhaps I live in that direction? [Heads north]


Alice: I hope you have lots of fire extinguishers there!

[The party all head north, only to stop abruptly at the edge of a very, very high and shear cliff.]

Alice: [Almost falling over, but catching herself] What the hell? Nice going!


Clint: See what happens when you don't follow the man with the rugged natural scent? I say we go... [flips a coin] south.

;;; Or, more precisely, a random direction that isn't north and isn't back

;;; toward the dragon. South would seem to work, yes?


Harvey: Might I suggest away from the dragon!


Charlie: [Disappointed] Oh, dear! I do hope my home didn't fall into a chasm!


Alice: Forget that! What could be worse than having a dragon racing up behind us?

[A massive, black dragon appears, flying up from the chasm. It is even bigger than the first, and hovers in the air, giving a massive roar at the party.]

Mac: [Peeking out of the pocket] I hope your clothes are fire proof!


Harvey: [Surprised at Charlie's words] Really? I was under the impression that the concept of a 'home' was a rather vague one for someone such as yourself.


Austin : [To Harvey] Come now, be a little more understanding. Waifs like her probably call the bush or hollow that they sleep in their home. [Ponders] Perhaps Charlie lives in a cave at the foot of these cliffs?


Harvey: And she's worried about her cave falling into a chasm? Perhaps you are right!


Alice: Oh for God's sake! There'll be time to be mean to her later -- right now we should be screaming and panicking because of that scary dragon! [Points at the huge black dragon which gives a timely roar]


Austin : How about running? [Turns and runs away from the Black dragon]


Charlie: [Watching the Black Dragon, mesmerized] Wait, he isn't like the Yellow one at all! Look at his eyes. They're so kind! [To the Black Dragon] Hello! You won't harm us, will you?


Austin : [To Charlie] Did you ever wonder why you are covered in charcoal dust?


Harvey: Hmmm, good point Austin. Maybe it was a drunken accident involving a chimney?


Alice: And a dragon!

[The black dragon roars once more, and looks as though it is about to breathe out, as it takes a massive deep breath.]

Alice: Let's get the hell out of here!


Charlie: [Doubtfully] Well, I WAS wrong about the direction. Perhaps my instincts aren't particularly good. RUN!


[The YELLOW DRAGON appears, coming up fast behind the party. Fortunately, the BLACK DRAGON breathes fire on it, so the party are unharmed. The two dragons clash in mid air as the party keep running.]

Alice: What the hell was that?


Harvey: I'm not entirely sure, but I *think* it was two dragons, what?


Alice: Yes, but what were they doing? What? WHAT!


Charlie: Perhaps I was right about the Black Dragon, after all! [Sighs] Or, more probably, wrong about both the Yellow one AND the Black one. [Scans the area, running] Does anyone see a safe place to hide?


Alice: [Points to one side] Look! There's smoke coming from there, it's bound to be safe!

Mac: Why? Don't you think that smoke might mean that it's on fire?

Alice: Sh.


Austin : Why don't we go back to the apple tree, get some nice yummy apples, rescue the princess and stomp on some rude flowers?


Harvey: Or we could just eat the apples, what?


Charlie: They did look rather delicious, didn't they? And the dragon seemed angry when we saw him eating them. Perhaps it's a magical tree or some such?


Alice: Maybe eating them might make my beautiful golden hair even more golden and beautiful?

[The party head back towards the clearing, and soon find their way there. Standing nearby is SAM BEAU, the rude flower from before.]

Sam: Well, well. A quick change of pants and they're back!


Dur: [Still beaming like a mad man] Don't be embarrassed ol' chap! We've all soiled ourselves at some point in our lives!=


Sam: I'm not embarrassed, dumb ass! I'm just annoyed.

Mac: At what?

Sam: Allergies.


Harvey: Allergic to dragons?


Sam: Pollen.


Charlie: What allergies do YOU have?


Sam: And dumb asses.


Dur: [Smiling but with furrowed brows] Perhaps you are allergic to your ownfoul mouth!=


Charlie: I see. [To the others] Come, let's try the apples before the dragons return! [Goes to the Queens Tree]


Alice: Maybe we should pick some flowers?

Sam: Get the hell away from me, you whore!

Alice: Hey!

[The party head closer to the tree, and discover that the apples are each about a foot across, and appear to be made of solid gold.]


Dur: [Reaching up to pick an apple] Hmmmm, you'd think there would be something guarding such a precious fruit tree!=


Alice: Maybe the apples are poisonous to the touch!

[DUR tries to pick up the apple, but it does appear to be solid gold, and is very, very heavy.]


Charlie: [Skeptically] I don't think they're edible. Perhaps we'd better look around here and try to find the princess, while the dragons are otherwise occupied!


Dur: [Gives up on the apple] But didn't we see that dragon eating them?


Charlie: Yes, but dragons surely have stronger teeth than we, not to mention stomachs!


Alice: But where could the princess be? We're in the middle of a forest!


Harvey: Perhaps she's climbed up a tree, what?


Dur: Maybe she is also in the dragon's belly?


Charlie: Perhaps, but then why did the dragon kidnap her? Why not just feast on the castle-full of people, rather than just one woman?!


Dur: Well... Perhaps something makes her special... Like these apples. Maybe she's a princess made out of gold!!=


Charlie: I suppose that's a possibility we cannot rule out, given how ill-informed we all seem to be! [Looks up at the trees and calls out] Helloooo? Princess?


[No answer.]

Alice: Maybe we should check out the rest of the forest? Surely the dragon has a lair somewhere?


Charlie: [To Sam] I don't suppose you know where the dragon lives?


Harvey: Are there any caves around here? Do dragons like caves?


Sam: As a matter of fact, I don't. [To Harvey] How the hell should I know, dumb ass? I'm a flower!


Charlie: [Looks at Sam, exasperated] Right. [To the others] Let's hurry away from here, and try to find a cave or someplace similarly damp and horrid a dragon might live. Let's see, we came from that direction originally [points] , and we met the Black dragon in that direction [points] , so let's go that direction [points in a different direction] .


Clint: [Shrugs.] Bet we find another dragon!


Austin : [Frowning, with his arms crossed in a huff] I feel soo cheated. [To the others] Do you feel cheated to? Such lovely looking apples and one cannot even eat them [Sighs. Kicks the apple]


Harvey: Indeed, Austin, indeed. But perhaps the dragon we find will have some nice food, eh?


Clint: That's the whole problem! The dragon we find will probably think we *are* some nice food!


Harvey: Nonsense, we'd make a terrible meal! You're too smelly, Austin's too wooden, Mac's too small, Charlie's too dirty, Dur is too weird, and Alice is, well, Alice! In fact, I'm the only one in danger of being... [Realisation dawns] By the saint's, you're right!


Mac: You're too old! It doesn't want chewy old leather.


Alice: [Indignant at Harvey's claims] Hey! [Points to her hair] Golden hair, remember? He'll think that I'm a delicious piece of gold! [Looks up] Huh. Has anyone else noticed the moon?

[Despite being daytime, there is a huge moon that is unnaturally bright. It seems to be very low, and is hanging over the direction that CHARLIE pointed to.]


Charlie: [Excitedly, pointing at the moon] This means something! Come on, let's go! [Heads in the direction of the moon]


Alice: Huh. That's the second full moon we've seen today. That's kind of weird, isn't it?


Harvey: What, that we have someone whose hobby is counting moons? Yes that is rather odd, what? I say, is Charlie expecting to walk to the moon?


Moon: [Looking over at the party] Hey! No one's walking on me!

Alice: Hey! How come you can talk? I mean, you're just a floating piece of cheese, aren't you?

Moon: You've got a head full of rocks. How come you can talk?


Charlie: [To the moon] Excuse me, can you tell us where the dragon took the princess? You must have a wonderful view of things, perched up there.


Moon: Actually, I'm a little afraid of heights, so I usually have my eyes closed, but I think he took her to his up in Sky Mountain.


Harvey: A plant that's allergic to pollen, and now a moon that's afraid of heights? Whatever next?


Moon: Next you're going to be in trouble, because your mother is out looking for you!


Charlie: [Astonished] HIS mother is still alive?! My god, she must be ancient! [To the moon] In what direction will we find Sky Mountain?


Moon: In the sky! [Sombre] Do you really think you should be going up to Sky Mountain when your mother is looking for you?


Harvey: [Recovering, his face a mask of terror] Absolutely, that's exactly where we should go! [To the Party] Hurry - she might not find us there.


Charlie: [Intrigued] Ooooh, is she perfectly dreadful?!


Alice: Wait a minute. He just said he was [to Charlie] your mother too, right, Moon?

Moon: That's what I said.


Charlie: [To Harvey, shocked] I'm your sister?! How is that possible? And what do you remember about Mother? I don't remember anything at all.


Harvey: I, uh. I don't know. I just have this inescapable feeling of dread.


Charlie: How dare you speak about Mother that way! [To the others] Just in case, though, let us go to Sky Mountain rather than seek Mother.


Mac: [To the Moon] How do we get there? We can't fly so we need another means to get there.


Dur: [Smiling happily] So our choices are, seek out a fire bretahing dragonor your mother and you chose the dragon? Splendid!=


Moon: [Shrugs] Idunno. Maybe you should ask your mother?


Charlie: [Sighs] Very well. Where is the old dear?!


Moon: The old dear? Oh, you mean your mother? [Roars with laughter, but composes himself] She's over there. [Nods to a point a short distance ahead of the party]


Austin : Hey, she might also be able to tell us why Charlie is coverd in soot and mud.


Alice: Maybe! [To the moon] Is she really awful?

Moon: She's as awful as your mother.


Austin : [To the Moon] Is she the mother of all of us here?


Charlie: [Shakes her head emphatically] Surely not! How could a woman give birth to flesh and blood children AND a wooden one?!


Moon: Of course she is! [Shakes his head sadly] How tragic to see such a young girl be a woodist -- and to her own brother.


;;; From Dom, sent to just me:

Austin : Indeed, it is quite disgusting. [Sighs. To Charlie] But I won't hold it against you. Let's all go and see mother. She will surely know what to do.

Moon: Mother always knows best!

[Exit the party, in the direction pointed at by the MOON.]

;;; End of scene, next one coming right up


[Book VIII, Act IV, Scene III. The House. ALICE, AUSTIN, CHARLIE, CLINT, DUR, HARVEY and MAC are here, having just come across a house in a clearing. To their surprise, it appears to be an enormous shoe.]

Alice: Aiiieee! We're all gonna die! Giants!


Charlie: [Wrinkling her nose] How horrid! Who could ever live in a shoe?!


Austin : Or, that's home and we are going to have to learn to live with the fact. [Looks worried]


Mac: Who's complaining? It's *huge*! As long as you keep it clean I can see it being an excellent place to live.


Alice: Oh please. You probably think that *my* feet are huge -- and they're not, they're tiny and dainty. Look! [Shows off her feet, which are surprisingly large]


Harvey: [Slowly and carefully] Riiiight, of course, my dear.


Austin : [Sad] We all live in a shoe. Perhaps we wanted to loose our memories.


Clint: Explains my natural manly musk, though!


Harvey: Perhaps that is why we live in a shoe, what?


Clint: Either way. Let's see if we have any beer!


[Enter OLD MOTHER CUPBOARD, an angry looking woman, from inside the shoe.]

Cupboard: There you are! What have you been up to?


Charlie: Hello, er, Mother? The castle has been burned by a dragon, and he also kidnapped the princess! We are trying to save her, but must scale Sky Mountain. [Hopefully] I don't suppose we have any climbing gear and survival rations about?


Clint: And maybe a big batch of some kind of sleeping potion we can slip in the dragon's food?


Cupboard: Baloney! You aren't going killing any dragon! You need a guardian for that. Now, quickly, come on in, there's someone who needs to talk to you.


Charlie: [Beams at Clint] Hmm, what an excellent idea! If we can find such a potion, that is. [To Cupboard] Who wants to talk to us? [Unhappily] Father, one presumes? Is he a tree? [Nods at Austin]


Cupboard: Don't give me any of your back cheek, young lady! Now, into the house with you, all of you!


Harvey: [Hiding under the table] Save me!


Charlie: [To Harvey] Oh, do calm down. Surely it isn't as bad as all that! [Heads into the shoe]


Cupboard: [Gives Harvey a clip around the ear] Behave yourself! You'll get your nice new clothes dirty! [Points at an empty coat hook] Put on your house clothes.

[There are six bowls of porridge on the table.]

Alice: Mm! I'm starving!

Cupboard: [Gives Alice a clip around the ear] You've had quite enough, young lady! I heard all about your visits to other people's houses.


Mac: Umm... mother? There seems to be a slight issue. We all seem to have err... l-lost our memories.


Cupboard: Oh, Mac. If this is you trying to get out of earhole cleaning again, I don't want to hear it, young man!


Austin : Alas mother, my diminutive brother is quite correct. We have all lost our memories. We had to ask a tree what our names were. Fortunately the tree seemed to know us quite well.


Dur: [Smiling] Suspiciously well!


Cupboard: [Slaps Austin across the head] What did I tell you about talking to strange trees? What? What?


Mac: Considering we all lost our memories that question is impossible to answer, mother.


Charlie: [To Mac] Quite so, little brother! [To Cupboard] And you WILL stop abusing us, or I shall lead a revolt and we'll all run away!


Mac: [Quietly to Charlie] Umm... perhaps that isn't the best tone to be taking with mother? Especially until we have all the information we need?


Cupboard: [Slaps Charlie across the head] You shut your mouth! Or you WILL spend the rest of the night cleaning those cinders! [Takes a glass and puts it over Mac] And I've had enough of your cheek too!


Dur: [Smiling] What a cruel old woman!


Austin : Indeed, she seems to be a serial child abuser. We should all leave now and find the nearest orphanage, seek shelter there and call a good lawyer. Perhaps we have lost our memories due to grave psychological abuse, or possibly physical abuse.


Charlie: I quite agree! Siblings, let us be off at once. [To Cupboard] We shall go and find one of those guardians you mentioned earlier, to protect us and help us find the princess!


Austin : [To Charlie] I expect that mother will be in prison fairly shortly, once the authorities hear about this terrible case of a serial child abuser!


Cupboard: [Points angrily at Austin] Don't make me get the wood worm! [Points back towards a cupboard] And don't think I won't get the magic sword out and start chopping up children!


Charlie: [Horrifed] You wicked, wicked woman! We're leaving, NOW. [Stomps toward the door]


Dur: [Whispering to Charlie, still smiling like an idiot] What about the sword? A magic sword may come in handy!=


Austin : [Whispering] I agree with Dur, for once!


Dur: [Beams at Austin] Splendid!


Cupboard: Don't you dare go out that door! If you do, you'll find yourself sent to bed without any supper!


Charlie: [To Dur, in a low voice] Try to get the sword, and I'll distract her! [To Cupboard] Oh, we will, will we? What's for supper, more porridge?!


Mac: [Tapping on the glass] There seems to be a finite amount of air in here. [Looking around at the party] Would one of you be so kind?


Alice: [Lifts the glass for a moment to let some air in, and then lets it down] Happy to help!

Cupboard: [Rolls up her sleeves] Right, Charlie! That does it!

;;; End of scene, next one coming right up!


[Book VIII, Act IV, Scene IV. The Bedroom. ALICE, AUSTIN, CHARLIE, CLINT, DUR, MAC and HARVEY are here, all in one large bed. It is dark outside.]

Alice: I'm starting to think we mightn't be her kids at all!

;;; If you haven't already got a mail from me, you can assume that

your character

;;; feels like they suddenly woke up in this bed.


Mac: What the?! How did we get here?


Dur: [Ever smiling] And why are we all in the same bed?


Austin : [In disgust] Ewww! [Jumps out of bed] What on earth is going on! I could have caught something from one of you! [Looks at Clint in distaste. Starts checking himself] I hope I didn't catch any of your fleas, Clint.


Alice: [Looking at Austin] 'morning Wood.


Charlie: [Springs out of bed] How could we have fallen asleep?!


Harvey: Because we were tired, what?

;;; Sorry about today, folks! Been training a new hire so spent a lot

of time away from my desk.


Clint: Maybe we got hit over the head or something? It's probably something mother did. [Suspicious.] She's not a very *nice* mother, is she?


Alice: I'm not even sure she is our mother!


Charlie: Certainly not! How could she give birth to a wooden child?! And I do believe Harvey is OLDER than her! [Firmly] We must leave here at once, and try to find a guardian, whatever that is!


Mac: I guess she could be our step mother? But yes, I agree, we should leave here. But before we do, what about that sword she mentioned?


Austin : Ahh yes, you must be correct she has to be our stepmother. If you can all make a distraction, or get her out of the house somehow, I can sneak in and borrow the sword.


Alice: I don't think we should be concerned about the sword.


Clint: Yeah, we're getting that. Maybe even using it on mother dear, if she keeps it up! Now, if I were a wicked old hag who lived in a shoe, where would I hide my magic sword? Hmm...

;;; I fear that's it for me tonight.


Austin : [Puzzled] Why not?


Alice: I think someone may have sold it last night.


Charlie: What? Who sold it? And how could you know that?!


Alice: It doesn't matter who sold it, what matters is that we have these magic beans!


Mac: You sold a sword for some magic beans!!!


Charlie: [Gasps] How could you?! What on earth will we do with so-called magic beans, make a nice soup?!


Austin : [Furious, at Alice] You sold the magic sword for some, some beans! [Sighs, rolls his eyes] Idiot! [Looks out of the window in a huff]

;;; meeting for a few hours


Alice: No, not "some beans", [with a flourish] magic beans! [To Charlie] No, not a nice soup, a nice *magical* soup. [To Mac] Yeah, isn't it great?


Charlie: [Exasperated] You were swindled, you silly girl! [Scolding] No more selling off assets until you have discussed it with the rest of us, understood? [Puts her hand out] Now, give me those beans at once.


Alice: What beans?


Mac: Those magic ones you sold the sword for?


Alice: Oh! [Clearly for Charlie's benefit] The *magic* beans! Sure! [Hands over seven beans, before turning to Mac] You know, I just bet we are best buddies outside of all this craziness, Mac.


Mac: [Looking up at Alice's golden curls] Somehow I just don't think so.


Charlie: [Looks at the beans unhappily] Only seven?! That won't even make a soup. [To Alice] What alleged magical properties do these beans possess?


Alice: I don't know! There's some lab geek responsible for that! I told him that we needed to reach Sky Mountain, and he gave me these.


Dur: And this happened while the rest of us were sleeping?


Harvey: What are those lab geeks up to, the sneaky devils?


Alice: [Shrugs] Idunno. He swore these would get us to Sky Mountain. [To Dur] I think I'm really good at sneaking out of bedrooms at night!


Mac: Perhaps if we eat them they make us fly. How many are there?


Charlie: Seven! [Skeptically] I suppose we can try it, but we'd better get closer to Sky Mountain first, just in case the effect, if any, wears off quickly.


Alice: That's just it! Sky Mountain is in the sky! I think my bestie is right, [gives Mac a thumbs up] they probably make us fly!


Charlie: Splendid! Let's go outside and let Mac test the theory!


Mac: Me?! But I'm the genius who needs to come up with other ideas if this one doesn't pan out. I suggest goldilocks tests it out, she's the one who put us in this situation in the first place.


Harvey: Indeed, though to make Mac fly is not exactly a difficult task, what? I could make Mac fly right now. Here, let me show you - Mac, come over here a second, would you?


Alice: [Gives a big smile] Aw! That's so sweet! He wants me to get the glory of going first! [Points aggressively at Harvey] You keep your paws off my BFF!


Austin : BFF? Big Flat Feet?


Alice: Hardly. He's only two inches tall.


Charlie: [Ponders] Barely Findable Fellow? [To Austin] Because he is so small, you see.


Harvey: Blindly Flying Fool? Because that does seem to be the plan, what?


Alice: Oh, so you're going first? Cool!


Charlie: Fine, I shall do it, then! [To the others] Come along so that you may witness the success or failure of the experiment and respond accordingly. Chop-chop! [Attempts to leave the room]

;;; She'll take the window, if there is a window!

;;; If not, the door it is!


[There is a window, and it's conveniently located beside a huge lace to facilitate escape. The party all head out.]

Alice: What's a suppository?


Charlie: [To Alice, laughing nervously] Er, why?


Austin : [Matter of factly] It's like a pill that you are given by a doctor, for example a pain relief pill, the difference is that it is one that you stick up your bottom, instead of swallowing it.


Harvey: Why on earth would you stick a pill up your bottom before swallowing it? Sounds like a misunderstanding to me - perhaps "stick these pills where the sun doesn't shine" was taken rather literally?


Clint: [Takes a look at Mac.] Oh, man, if these magic beans are suppositories, you're in for a *world* of hurt.


Alice: [Looks at Austin] And I sure hope you're anatomically correct! [To Harvey] Maybe it might make them taste better? Anyway, I was just wondering. I think we can just eat them.


Clint: Hey, I have enough odor problems as it is without adding magic beans to the list!


Charlie: [Relieved] Wonderful! Here, let me try one. [Hands Alice six of the beans] If it works, then the rest of you should follow at once. [Primly slips a bean into her mouth and chokes it down in a most unladylike manner]


Harvey: [To Clint] Don't worry, we would be able to smell your problems from a mile away! Much more of this and my fine robes will disintegrate into nothing! Do you have any idea how much clothing of this quality costs, by the saints?!? [Tries to swallow his pill]


Clint: It better be free, Harvey! [Waits to see what happens to Harvey and Charlie.]


Mac: I was right! [Eats his way through a bean] That was very filling!


Alice: [Pops a bean into her mouth] Here we go! [Starts flapping her arms madly, but nothing happens] Huh. That's disappoint. [Looks serious] I think I'm about to fart. [Paaaaarp!]

[ALICE flies up into the air, dropping the other beans as she doesso.]


Clint: [Looks around, considering just for a second.] Oh hell no, I'm not going last! [Swallows a bean and makes every effort to take off before ground zero gets lethal.]

;;; Pretty sure we all saw *that* coming. Knowing this game, I mean. =)


[Enter MOTHER CUPBOARD just as DUR and AUSTIN eat their beans.]

Cupboard: What do you think you're doing? You all get back in here right this second for a beating!

[In perfect unison, each of HARVEY, MAC, DUR and AUSTIN let rip and take off, knocking over both MOTHER CUPBOARD and her enormous shoe.]

;;; End of scene, next one coming up

;;; Hey! I was waiting for someone to plant them!

I thought planting them would be too predictable. I was waiting for Charlie to turn into a giant bean stalk.


Charlie: [Holds her stomach uncomfortably] Oh, dear. Something dreadful is about to happen. [Farts loudly then flushes bright red] How perfectly horrid! [Suddenly zips upward in flight]

;;; Thanks so much for your support, Tony! Poor Charlie!

;;; I assumed we'd be planting them, too. Congrats,

;;; Tom, for being as disgusting as Conor! : O

Your welcome Heather ;)


[Book VIII, Act IV, Scene V. A Mountain Top. ALICE, AUSTIN, CHARLIE, CLINT, DUR, MAC and HARVEY are here, all having landed on a mountain ledge. The party are clearly high up in the sky, and can see that there is quite a large grassy area here, with another mountain peak off in the distance.]

Alice: [Somehow having landed with the entire party on top of her and her dress up around her ears] So, who looks like an idiot now?

;;; Ew, hardly! I could just read the urine stain

;;; on the wall and gave in to the inevitable!

;;; Conor, WHYYYYY?!

On Thu, Sep 15, 2011 at 10:49 AM, Tom Henderson

Oh, c'mon, didn't we dose an entire city with our own urine just the other week? And wasn't it Heather's idea? =)


Mac: [Coughs, in a very serious tone] That would be you goldilocks with everyone piled on top of you and your frilly knickers on display to the world.


Alice: [Roars with laughter] Oh, you! Honestly, you just crack me up, Bestie!


Charlie: [Surveying the area, thrilled] Despite the crude method in which we arrived, this is a positively enchanting place, wouldn't you say? Let us take a little look around!


Austin : [Hands on hips, looking at the mountain] Well, when you have finished larking about, perhaps we should go and rescue the princess?


Alice: [To Austin] Isn't that what we're doing? You know, Aus, you could take a leaf out of Mac's book and be a bit more positive! [Points to a house off in the distance] Maybe the people living there might know something about the dragon's lair?


Austin : Positive? What isn't positive about advocating, instigating and supporting immediate action? [Shrugs] Let us go. [Heads towards the house]


Harvey: But could you do something useful, Austin?


Austin : Certainly [Austin find a suitable sized leaf and ties it around Harvey's waist so that it covers his genitals]


Charlie: [To Austin] Thank you! [To Harvey] Honestly, now, isn't that better?


;;; I assume Harvey wouldn't tolerate this! John mightn't be around

[HARVEY pushes AUSTIN away, causing the leaf to fall to the ground.]

Harvey: By the saints, Private Sleaze, unhand me!


Austin : But you look quite disgusting! Why wont you wear clothes to cover up your hideous body? [Sighs, turns and head for the house]


Charlie: [Startled, to Harvey] Wait, WHAT did you call him?!


Harvey: I called him his name, Austin? Why, what *should* I be calling him?

;;; Thanks, Conor! Heh, this might be interesting...


Austin : [Huffily] Not only do you find it insufficient to insult my eyes with your grotesque naked form, you have to slander me with with riduculous and non-sensical insults. "Private Sleaze". As if! My name is Austin, and I am not a soldier, a sleazy one or otherwise [Keeps walking in a huff]


Charlie: [To Harvey, scolding] Agreed, there is no need for name-calling! [Finger quotes] Private Sleaze, indeed! It sounds like something from military-themed pornography. [Gasps] How horrid! How would I know about that sort of thing?!


Austin : [To Charlie] Perhaps we have all been exposed to some horrific child abuse. It would explain alot - our memory loss, our child abusing mother, the clear fact that we each have different fathers, Harvey insisting on being naked and using abusive names for us. The list goes on!


Dur: [Smiling] I can imagine only one circumstance in which you would become fluent in the language of Pornography. [Aside to Clint] Bow-chika-wow-wow= !



Charlie: [Wails] You're right! I can't be a nice girl at all. I keep getting flashes of images of a devastatingly handsome man who keeps calling me Sarge in the most inappropriate way you can possibly imagine! [To Alice] And the things we're doing to one another! [A tad dreamily] They're just--awful.


Alice: [Excited] What are they? What are they? [Calms down] I mean, I'm sure I don't know what you mean. [To the others] Do we really think that the crazy old woman is our mother? Even a foster mother? I mean, look at the ugly naked guy -- he's almost as old as she is! This doesn't make any sense at all!


Harvey: What ugly naked guy? I mean, Clint is pretty ugly, but he is clothed. After a fashion.


Alice: [Sadly to Harvey] You're the ugly naked guy!


Harvey: [Slowly, seriously confused] Despite being neither ugly nor naked?


Alice: [About to say something but thinks better of it] This isn't exactly getting that princess back now, is it?


Austin : Let's get this straight. [To Harvey] You are naked.


Charlie: [Shudders] Perhaps he is involved in the military-themed pornography industry, as well, and therefore more confortable in the nude? At any rate, I quite agree with Alice. We should go talk to the people in that house [points to the house Alice pointed to earlier] .


Alice: [Nods] Yes we should!

[The party approach the house, and soon realize that the it appears to be made entirely from gingerbread and other edible building materials.]

Alice: That is the coolest house I've ever seen!


Harvey: [Frowns, still confused, then shakes his head] This must be some odd usage of the word "naked" that I wasn't previously aware of, what? In any case, can I suggest that we might talk to the people in that house? [Points to the house Alice and Charlie indicated]


Alice: [Nods] I can't wait to see what's in this delicious looking house!


Charlie: [Uneasily] Well, whatever you do, don't begin eating it! Surely that's very bad form. [Goes to knock on the front door]


[A voice calls from inside.]

Voice: There's no one here!

Alice: [Gives Austin a surprised look, but turns away] Hm.


Harvey: [To Austin] I say, is it just me or does your hooter seem to be getting bigger and bigger?


Mac: [To the voice] If there's no one here then who just spoke?


Dur: [Smiling] Neat! Make it get even bigger!


Voice: The cat! I mean, miaow!

Alice: Hey! [Points at Austin] It really is getting bigger! How'd you do that?


Charlie: [Excited] A talking cat! Oh, how precious! [Tries to open the front door]


Austin : What is this? Make fun of Austin day? [Knocks on the door again] We need to speak to you!


Alice: Wow! You have your own day? That's neat! I wish I had one!

[CHARLIE opens the door, which is made entirely of licorice. The house is furnished in a nauseatingly cutesy way, with bright colours and tiny furniture. There is a fridge against one wall, and the door slams shut as the party look in.]

Alice: What a lovely house!


Austin : [Completely focused on his nose] My nose is perfect! It is not growing bigger [He watches is grow a little] Shit! [Tries to stop his nose from growing] Nooo! What is happening?

;;;;;awa hame!

;;; I am away all next week too :)


Harvey: Pull yourself together, man! This is no time to be worried about your nose. My word, though, it's huge!


Charlie: [Looks at Austin's nose, curious] Perhaps the bean sprouted in you, and is now growing?


Clint: I'm pretty sure we can tell a nose from a bean sprout, Charlie. [Looks around to see if he can get away with eating part of the front door, or if there's someone there to spot him doing so.]


Harvey: Perhaps we can trim the end off? Does anyone have a saw handy?

;;; Hometime


Clint: Maybe we shouldn't do that until we can figure out how you give sleeping pills to a wooden man?


Austin: Keep your grubby paws off me! If any appendage is going to be sawn off someone, it's from [dramatically points at Harvey] you!


Charlie: Oh, do let's stop squabbling! [To Harvey, firmly] We aren't going to saw off his nose. That's barbaric. He needs to be studied in a lab, under controlled conditions.


Clint: Yeah, because being studied in a lab sounds so much better, Charlie. Anyway, let's find this talking cat!


Charlie: Right! [Goes to try the door again] Hello?! [Tries to keep the door from shutting by blocking it with her foot]


Harvey: [To Charlie] Oh, it's perfectly safe - such things often happen in the field, what? [To Austin] And my appendages are all in working order and causing no distress at all, thank you very much, Private Sleaze.


Alice: [To Harvey] Ew! You better not have been testing out your appendages in bed last night, Harvey!

;;; Remember, the party are *in* the house. The door they saw close

;;; was the door to the fridge.


Charlie: [Goes to look inside the fridge] Hmm, what a peculiar place!

;;; Oops, sorry! Misread that.


Clint: Here, kitty! [Tromps around the room looking for a cat of some kind.]


Alice: Huh, the floor is a bit sticky, isn't it? [Touches it] Hey! It's made of sherbert!

[CHARLIE opens the marzipan fridge, revealing what appears to be a half man, half lion, squeezed in there. This is LEO SAIDERS.]

Leo: No! Don't look at me!


Mac: [Staring intently] Why not?


Charlie: [Coos] Oh, hello, you precious thing, you! [Tries to pet Leo's head] Don't be shy!


Leo: [Pulls away] Please! Don't hurt me!


Charlie: Oh, you poor thing! Has someone hurt you?


Clint: Maybe by forcing you to live in a kind of girly house?


Leo: Hey! This is my house! [To the party] I'm hiding from the giant!


Austin : [Crying, holding his nose] Nooo! What is happening? Why?


Charlie: How thrilling! What can you tell us about this giant? Oh, and what is a guardian?


Leo: It's really, really big! [Thinks for a moment] And, uh, I'm a guardian!


Austin : What? You're a guardian. Shouldn't you be all brave and courageous?


Leo: Well, in an ideal world, I suppose I should, but I need to eat some Hero Meat first.

Alice: [Sniggers] That sounds like the kind of thing Charlie probably eats in her saucy army movies!


Charlie: [To Alice] No, he called it-- [blushes and stops herself] er, I mean [to Leo] What do you mean, [finger quotes] Hero Meat? You don't mean to suggest that you are to consume the flesh of someone heroic before you can fulfill your guardian role?! How horrible!


Leo: Not just any part of the flesh, the really important part that makes them brave.

Alice: What does it taste like? [Stagey pause] Chicken?


Charlie: [Scoffs] Not in the least!


Harvey: Some sort of sausage, then?


Leo: Well, I don't know, do I? I've never tasted it!


Charlie: [Flushed] What are we even talking about now?! In any case, it's none of your business! [To Leo, quickly] Did you say something about the physical location of the so-called meat you need to consume?


Leo: Yes, I know exactly where it is.

Alice: And if you had this meat, you'd be all strong and brave enough to say, I don't know, kill a giant?

Leo: Sure!


Charlie: [Warily] Well, where is it?


Austin : I hope we do not have to kill anyone.


Leo: Maybe not. [To Charlie] It's in the giant's head.


Charlie: You mean, his brain? So, in order to obtain the strength you need to defeat the giant, you must first kill the giant and consume its brain?! That seems rather horrid and inefficient plan.

;;; Out for an hour or so!


Harvey: Perhaps he takes it out when he goes to sleep? I heard of a gentleman who had some teeth stolen like that.


Austin : [Still holding his nose and trying to stop it from growing] That doesn't make any sense! We don't need a guardian if that is the case.


Alice: [To Austin, who's nose has mercifully stopped growing] Then how do we slay the dragon and save the princess?

Leo: [To Harvey] Hey! That would be great! Maybe you could ask him yourself? I think I can hear him coming.


Dur: [Smiling nervously] Maybe we can impale him on Austin's nose?


Austin : [Sneering] Ha, ha. Any more hilarious jokes making fun of Austin?


Austin : [Looks around at everyone] No. I didn't think so. Perhaps we can get on with this business of saving the princess.


Dur: [Smirking] Indeed old boy! I think we are all eager to put the ol' NOSE to the grind stone, wouldn't you say?!=20

;;; Ha!


Alice: Hey! That's [big wink at Dur] snot funny! [Roars with laughter] See what I did there? I pretended I was agreeing with him and slipped a zinger in there!


Harvey: [To Dur] He certainly has a nose for the issue at hand, eh?


Charlie: [Huge, stagey emphasis] Nose, he doesn't! [Laughs hysterically, then freezes] Wait, did you say the dragon is coming right now?!


Austin : [In a huff] Yes he did, and hopefully it will burn you all to cinders!


Alice: Don't be ridiculous, the dragon isn't coming. [Emphasis] The giant is. The dragon will only burn us if we survive the giant!


;;; From Dom to just me:

Austin : [To Leo] Do we like the giant? Is it well disposed towards strangers?

Leo: Not especially. He's on his way to destroy the house and everything in it.


Charlie: Quickly, group! How can we fell a giant? What can we use to trip him?


Harvey: [Helpfully] Austin's nose?


Dur: Well, what does he have against houses?


Austin : Yeah, right, and while we are doing that Mac can punch him unconcious [Laughs]

;;;; away hame


Dur: Perhaps if we set the house on fire, he will think it has already beendestroyed and go on about his business?


Alice: Or maybe it'll just make him angrier! [To Leo] How far away does he live?

Leo: About a hundred miles.

Alice: Oh! Well, what's all the panic about?

[There's a tremendous banging on the door, and ALICE looks out and has a quick exchange with someone outside, before closing the door.]

Alice: It's a giant. He says he's here to kill our champion and eat his brains.

Leo: [Lamely] He's a quick walker, isn't he?


Harvey: [Nods sagely] Long legs, I expect.


Leo: That and an uncontrollable rage and desire to kill everyone in this house. I'm sure that puts a spring in his step.


Mac: If you can keep the giant distracted perhaps I could climb up him, enter his head through his ears and get the meat for our champion? Then he could eat it and defeat the giant.


Alice: Great idea, Mac! You're just keen! [To the party] How can we distract him, though?


Charlie: Perhaps we can all run about in different directions, shouting and making a ruckus?


Mac: Your supposed to go outside first Goldilocks.


Alice: What's the point of that? If we're all inside, he won't even see us!


Harvey: Alright, troop, outside and let's see if we can confound this blighter!


Charlie: Quite right, Colonel! Let's go! [Marches outside]


[CHARLIE opens the door to reveal CHINNO LITTLE, a ten foot tall giant.]

Chinno: [Blocking the door] Where is your champion?


Dur: [Smiling and shaking] He.... Er.... Stepped out for milk?


Chinno: Milk? Milk? What kind of champion gets milk?

Alice: Er, he needed it for the baby?


Harvey: [Dramatically] Yes, we have a babysitting champion! Bet you're ruing the day you ever messed with us, eh?


Chinno: [Laughs out loud] Yeah? And where's the champion's baby? I shall probably have to eat it.

Alice: [Points at Harvey] Him!

Chinno: What? No way!

Alice: Well, look at him! No clothes, completely hairless, he's a baby alright!


Mac: [Quietly] Keep him busy group! [MAC attempts to run behind HARVEY and climb up the back of his clothes to get to his head]


;;; Ahem, I meant behind Chinno.


Chinno: [Alarmed] That's his baby? Then how big is your champion?

[MAC starts to climb up CHINNO's back, apparently unnoticed.]

Austin: Shriek! [Turns away] My nose! My beautiful nose! It's growing!


Charlie: [Points at Austin and shrieks] How hideous!


Chinno: [Peers in] Ew! What the hell is that?

Alice: Our champion's tooth pick!


Charlie: And this place [gestures to the house] where we're taking refuge is his after-dinner mint! [Lowers her voice] You know, for his bad breath.


Harvey: [Nods sagely] Eating too much garlic, you see.


Chinno: Why does he eat too much garlic?

Alice: It makes him angry. And a little horny.

Chinno: Er, well, I better be off, um, I have to [starts backing away] you know, see to that, uh, thing. [Turns to run, but trips over his own feet and falls flat on his face]


Mac: [Walking up the rest of his back] Well that makes things simpler. [Turning to the group] I didn't know you guys had it in you.


Alice: Thanks, Bestie! We think you're great too!


Charlie: [To Mac] Hurry! Into the [points to her ear] !


Mac: [MAC climbs into the giants ear and searches for the meat]


Chinno: Hey! [Grabs at his ear]

[Seconds later, MAC climbs down CHINNO's nose, holding a chunk of grey meat.]


Clint: [Gives Mac a look.] That has to be the most disgusting thing I've seen all day!


Charlie: [To Clint] Just wait until you see what happens next, then! [Tries to help Mac disembark the giant]


Harvey: The day's young, yet, Charlie!


Clint: [Glances over at Harvey and immediately regrets it.] Okay, maybe it's the *second* most disgusting thing I've seen all day.


Mac: [Jumps towards Charlie, to Clint] Hey, I'm not proud of it but I took one for the team!


Clint: That's what *she* said! Now hurry on over with that brain stuff!


Leo: [Peeks out from the house] Did you get it? I think the giant might still be alive.

Chinno: [Sits up] Muh feel werd. [Looks puzzled] Huh? [Rubs his head]


Charlie: [To Mac, urgently] Hurry, give Leo the meat! While the giant is stunned!


Mac: [Sitting back in Charlie's shirt pocket] Perhaps you'd be kind enough to give me a lift to Leo?


Charlie: Oh, right! [Quickly hands Mac to Leo]


Mac: Thanks [Hands head meat to Leo]


Harvey: [To Mac, disapprovingly] A stiff walk never hurt anyone, Private Brindleworth! Come, on, lad! Left, right, left right!


Leo: Ew! This came from the language centre of his brain -- do you have anything that's less chewy?


Charlie: [To Leo, scolding] You eat that brain at once! Mac went to a lot of trouble for that!


Dur: [Smiling Jovially] Brains! It's what's for dinner! Why am I drooling?


Mac: [To Leo, deadpan] If you don't like it we can always send you out to fight the giant without it.


Leo: [Chokes back the brain] This tastes awful!

Chinno: [Spots Leo] Hey! Stop eatng my bran! [Picks up a convenient tree to swing at the party]


Harvey: [To Mac] Bah! We should threaten him with something really scary, like broccolli!


Dur: [Smiling and screaming] Now would be a good time for some gurdian-ing Leo!=


Leo: [Chokes back the brain] Okay, but it's just not the same without pepper!

Alice: Okay, Leo! Now, you go kick his ass!

Leo: What? You must be joking! Now we leap in the carriage and get the hell out of here!


Charlie: [To Leo] But--you're a Guardian! It's your duty to defend the defenseless again horrid giants and such! Didn't that brain give you any courage at all?!


Leo: No!

Austin: But you said it would! You said you'd be brave and courageous if you ate some Hero Meat!

Leo: No, I said that I could be brave and courageous, but *first* I had to eat some Hero Meat.

Alice: [To the party] Maybe we should just kill him?


Harvey: Perhaps Leo here is why the giant was so annoyed, what?


Alice: He's certainly the reason I'm so annoyed! And after poor old Mac risked life and limb, not to mention the third ickiest exit out of a giant's body! [To Leo] So, what do we need to do now?

Leo: Now, [dramatically] we need to destroy The Glove.


Charlie: [Unimpressed] The Glove? How hard can it be to destroy a glove?!


Clint: That depends on who's wearing it!


Charlie: Oh, right! [To Leo] Who'll be wearing The Glove, then?!


Harvey: [Exasperated] Oh alright then! By the saints, I'll wear it! I could use a good pair of gloves anyway.


Charlie: But we don't know WHERE the glove is, [To Leo, pointedly] yet! Sorry, I meant The Glove.


Clint: Anyway, what would you do with only one glove, Harvey?

;;; I, uh, have a suggestion.


Harvey: [Thoughtfully] Hmmm, good point, man, good point. [Brightens] We'll just have to find a one-armed man and steal his glove and then we'll have two!

;;; I can't imagine what that might be!


Clint: [To Leo.] So anyway, take us to this glove before the giant finishes swinging that tree at us!

;;; It is indeed a puzzle!


Leo: No one's wearing the glove -- it's in the clock!


Clint: [Bluntly.] Why?


Leo: Where else would it be kept? [Rolls his eyes and addresses Austin] Am I right? Am I right?

Austin: Probably not.


Mac: Perhaps on someone's hand? Or in a draw? But a clock?!


Harvey: And where is the clock kept?

;;; out for 2 hours


Charlie: [Incredulously] You don't mean The Glove is on the hand of a clock?!


Leo: Don't be ridiculous! Why would a clock need to wear a glove? [To Harvey] It's kept in the clock tower, of course!

Alice: Well, where is the clock tower?

Leo: On top of the house!

[No one noticed a clock tower in the house on the way in.]


Charlie: [Tries to look out of the window] WHAT clock tower?!


Leo: Oh my god. Are you people idiots? The clock tower on this house!


Harvey: You know, Leo, if you carry on like this, the giant will be the last thing on your mind, what?


Dur: Now, now. No need to get testy!


Alice: On the contrary, now is absolutely the time to get testy! This guy isvery annoying.=20

Leo: Hey, you're the ones who are delaying things. Now, come on, hurry up and carry me upstairs.=20=


Dur: Wait... Why do we have to carry you?


Last from Conor 150

Mac: Of course you're going to bloody walk!


Charlie: [Disgusted] Oh, for--I'll do it myself! [Heads for the stairs]


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Leo: [Folds his paws] Either you carry me or destroy the glove yourselves! --Apple-Mail-1--996237876 Content-Transfer-Encoding: 7bit


Leo: How else am I going to get up there? Walk? [Laughs]


Content-Type: text/plain; charset=ISO-8859-1

Last from Heather and me 152

Alice: Come on, let's go.. This guy is an idiot.

[Everyone starts heading up.]

Leo: Wait! Wait!

Alice: Are you coming?

Leo: No, but when you come back down, can you bring down some chocolate from the upstairs bannister.

;;; end of scene



Harvey: [Standing over Leo, looking down thoughtfully] I say, perhaps we can help him up the stairs. Does anyone have a good, sturdy golf club? I'm sure I can use it to launch Leo here up the stairs.


[Book VIII, Act IV, Scene VI. The Tower. ALICE, AUSTIN, CHARLIE, CLINT, DUR, MAC and HARVEY are here, climbing an improbably high and windy staircase.]

Alice: What an ungrateful sod! After Mac got that piece of brain for him andall!=


Dur: [Smiling] Indeed! It makes me want to carry him right out a window!


Harvey: Hmm, yes. I say, Dur, is there a particular reason you're smiling all the time? It's really getting quite disturbing.


Alice: Agreed! It's downright creepy!


Charlie: [Beams at Dur] I think it's quite nice. We could all stand to be a bit cheerier at times, don't you think?!


Alice: Not Mac, he's already super cheery, aren't you, Bestie?


Mac: [Raising an eyebrow, sarcastically] Oh yea, peachy! You're bound to be super happy after you've just gone climbing though a giants brain for no reason.


Harvey: By the saints, don't be ridiculous, Private! Not even a giant would have an ear big enough for Alice to climb in!


Alice: I don't know, Harvey. Your head is so big I fancy my chances!

[The party finally get to the top of the tower. They can see the workings of a clock as well as what appears to be a normal leather glove, lying in the middle of the floor.]


Clint: Ha! This is easy! [Goes to get the glove.]

;;; I just know Clint is going to regret this. =)


Alice: [Covers her eyes as Clint arrogantly strides across the room] I can't watch!

[CLINT picks up the glove.]

;;; We'll see! Unfortunately, not today, as there'll be no posting

from me until tomorrow. Gah!


Charlie: [To Clint, beaming] Excellently done!


Clint: And it was so hard, too!

;;; Okay, Conor, where's the bomb?


Mac: We've still go to destroy it yet.

;;; I'm out today.


Harvey: Hmm, so do we have to destory it in a particular way or something?


Charlie: Perhaps we should burn it. That's the surest way to destroy something, isn't it?


Harvey: Very well. Clint, just hold the glove out and we'll find something to set it on fire, what?


Clint: [Bellowing loudly down the stairs.] Yo, Leo! What do we do with the glove?!


Clint: Oh hell no! [Hands the glove to Charlie.] You can hold it while they're waving matches around!

;;; Not that I don't trust you guys, but... =)


Charlie: [Takes the glove, exasperated] The men in this group are terrible cowards! Now, who has a match!=


Alice: I have no match, because I'm unique!

Austin: [Searching around the upstairs] Here's some oil and matches. [To the others] Why don't we get Clint to put it on so we can set it on fire?


Clint: I think Harvey could use the covering and warmth more!


Harvey: Hmmm, what? Oh, no I'm perfectly well covered thank you. My robes are doing a marvelous job of that.


Charlie: Let's just throw it in the fireplace downstairs, then light it! No one need wear it while it burns!


Alice: Let's light it and throw it out the window. That'll be way more dramatic!


Charlie: Do be serious! We could start a forest fire or hit an innocent passer-by!


Alice: Yeesh! Thanks for spoiling our fun, Sarge!


Charlie: [Gravely] There's nothing fun about a forest fire! Now, quickly, let's go downstairs and safely and efficiently burn this glove in the fireplace! [Heads for the stairs]


Alice: Yay. Efficiency is fun.

[The party head back down stairs where there is a fine fire place. LEO is here.]

Leo: Done yet?


;;; Forgot to say, that was my three!


Harvey: We have the glove, now we plan to burn it, what?

I'm going to be out today everyone! I have CPR training as an emergency responder in my building and I will be out til lunch. Conor can you NPC Dur fo= r the day? I don't need to be taken off the list.


Charlie: Indeed! [Tosses the glove in the fireplace] Will you do the honors, Austin? Careful not to burn yourself, though!


Austin: I'm not burning it. [Folds his arms]


Charlie: But we must! [Quickly] Oh, dear! You aren't attracted to the glove, or perhaps related to it? [To Harvey, in a low voice] One never knows! He IS made of wood, so probably normal human rules don't apply!


Austin: Do you think the glove is wooden? [Rolls his eyes]

Alice: Yeesh. You people are ridic. If only Mac were bigger, he'd light it. Here, let me. [Sets the glove on fire]

[The glove quickly catches alight and flies up into the air, exploding in the middle of the room, showering the party with glove entrails.]

Alice: Is it dead?


Charlie: [Disgustedly brushing glove entrails off of her ragged dress] I should think so, but there's only one way to be sure! [To Leo] Well?! Are you brave yet?

;;; Glove entrails?!


Harvey: Clothing is getting dangerous these days, what?


Austin: Maybe we're the ones who are dangerous? Murdering an innocent glove?

[LEO is now lying on the floor, and says nothing to anyone.]

Alice: Hey! Leo! [Pokes him with her foot] Yeesh! I think he's asleep!


Charlie: [Annoyed] All of that for nothing?! Some Guardian! [Pokes at Leo impatiently]


Clint: Get up, you! [Kicks Leo, not quite hard enough to hurt him.]


Harvey: [Bellowing at Leo] On your feet, man! No guardian in *my* troop will be sleeping on the job, what?


[Still no move.]

Dur: [Grinning] Maybe he's dead? [Looks around] If only I had a pointy stick to poke him with. [Fixes his eyes on Austin] Aha!

Austin: Don't you dare.


Clint: Maybe someone should give him mouth-to-mouth or something? [Inexplicably looks for Alice to do it.]


Mac: [Walks right up to Leo's ear and shouts loudly directly into it] WAKE UP!!!


Alice: Nice try, Mac, but that's not his mouth!

[Either LEO is very, very soundly asleep, or he is dead.]


Harvey: Perhaps Mac is too small to shout effectively, what? Or maybe LEO is deaf?


Charlie: [Worried] How dreadful! Why would he tell us to destroy The Glove if it hurt him to do so?!


Alice: [Aghast at Harvey] Did you say that maybe Leo's dead??


Harvey: Well, I thought maybe he was deaf, and thus couldn't hear us shout at him. I suppose him being, ahem, *deceased* could be a possibility, what?


[A LEO shaped ghostly figure floats up from his body.]

Leo: Right! What's all the shouting about?


Charlie: [Jumps back, startled] Oh, dear! Are you dead? And haunting us?!


Leo: Of course I'm not dead! I'd hardly be standing here if I was, would I?

Alice: [To Austin] I think he's talking to you.

Austin: Oh, be quiet. [To Leo, pointing at his body on the floor]

Leo: Oh. Hm.


Dur: [Smiling] Well this is an interesting, and disturbing turn of events! How did you die?=


Leo: [Shrugs] I didn't even know I was dead until just a minute ago!


Dur: [Smiling] Could it have something to do with the glove?


Leo: Yeesh, do you think so, genius? [Punches Dur, but his fist goes right through him] Oh.


Austin : [To Leo] Look on the bright side, no one can punch you now either. Could you tell us why you wanted us to destroy the glove?


Leo: Because that's supposed to be the only way to defeat the dragon!


Austin : [To Leo] Do you mean that we can now destroy the dragon, or that we have just destroyed the only means of defeating the dragon?


Leo: I mean... [bravely and dramatically] the first one!


Austin : [To Leo] Good. Now, can you tell me why my beautiful nose is growing?

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Leo: Because you're a whiny little bitch?

[AUSTIN's nose grows a little.]

Alice: [To Leo] But you're a way whinier little bitch, how come yours doesn't grow?

Leo: [Shrugs] Idunno.


Austin : So every time I make comment upon some travesty of justice my nose grows? [Rolls his eyes. Sarcastically] Very likely.


Harvey: I say, did it just grow a bit more?


Alice: No, but it did when Leo said that it was because he was a whiney little bitch. Hm.


Charlie: Yes, I'm sure it's [huge sarcastic emphasis] terribly important, learning more about Austin's embarrassing disfigurement, but really we must stay focused on the bit about the DRAGON! [To Leo] Are you saying we've now defeated the dragon and can rescue the princess?!


Leo: No, no. All you've done is further enraged the dragon and now it's more likely to want to kill you. Now, if only you had some super brave lion spirit who would help you. Who could that be? Think, Leo, think!

Alice: [To the party] We could try asking one of those rude flowers. I mean, sure, they were unhelpful and next to useless, but they were still less annoying than this guy.


Charlie: [To Leo] Do stop being absurd! You have a purpose to fulfill, and we want to see that you do just that. Think of the princess! Now, won't you please help us defeat the dragon? [In a low, skeptical voice to Harvey] Though how a non-corporeal being can be of any use in a fight against a dragon, I'm sure I don't know!


Leo: Maybe my purpose is to just stay here and take it easy? Maybe, unless I'm asked really, really, really, really nicely, I just won't help?

Alice: Oh for God's sake. Let's just go and do it ourselves. Come on. [Opens the door and starts to head out]

Leo: No! Wait! Hang on!


Charlie: [Excited] Yes? You're going to help us, after all?!


Leo: No, I just wanted to give you a chance to apologise and ask me nicely. I couldn't care less about the princess.

Alice: Hey look! Aussie's nose just grew again!

[It certainly seems to have.]


Dur: [Smiling] We are very sorry kind spirit! Will you help us rescue the princess pretty please? If you come along, you can make fun of Austin's endl= essly growing member... [looks thoughtful and then looks at Alice] I'm talking about his nose!=


Harvey: [To Leo, outraged] You really are the worst guardian in history! By the saints, my left little toenail would be a better guardian than you!


Austin : Noooo! That's not fair! I didn't do anything! [Starts crying, tries to stop his nose from growing]


Alice: [Face lights up, but then goes back to normal] Oh. [Notices the nose growing a little after Harvey's words] Hey! Does it grow every time someone tells a lie?


Charlie: Oooh, let's test it! [To Austin] I star in low-budget military-themed pornography featuring a gorgeous man who calls me Sarge!


Harvey: Ok, now we shouldn't expect to see Austin's nose grow since that wasn't a lie, right?


Charlie: Right! [Watches Austin's nose expectantly] How long does it usually take?


Clint: How should I know? As the group porn star, you're the expert on pointy growing things on men!

;;; Clint, classing up the QV for over a decade!


Charlie: Well, in my experience, it happens faster than this! [Modestly] But, then again, I am obviously a well-trained, seasoned professional, as is my co-star. [Looks at Austin pointedly and mutters] Amateur!

;;; Good times!


Alice: What? You're looking down on him because he's *not* a porn star?

[Nothing happens to the nose.]

Alice: So, that settles it. That means you definitely are a porn star. [Thinks for a moment] What if you just don't know?


Harvey: Good point, Alice. We should say something we know not to be true, what? [To Austin] I am completely naked! [To the others, quietly] Now let's see what happens, eh?


Clint: Do we really want to know why his nose keeps growing? Shouldn't we be doing something about the lion? Like figuring out how to drop kick him into the next county?


[Everyone turns and looks at AUSTIN, but nothing happens to his nose.]

Alice: Bah! All that means is you're crazy, Harvey! Here, let me try. [Clears her throat] I am a really annoying and whiny little brat.

[Nothing happens to the nose.]

Alice: Hey! It must be broken!

Leo: Yeesh, can we go kill the dragoon?


Charlie: [To Leo] Splendid! You WILL help us?! Then, lead us to the dragon, brave Guardian!


Austin : [Pointing at his nose] Nose! Nose! Can we have some focus here please! It is vitally important to find out why is it growing. Perhaps we can determine some way to skrink it.


Leo: Dragon? Hey! I thought it was a dragoon!

Alice: [To Austin] Look, Aussie, it's clearly growing when people tell lies. Sometimes.


Mac: Sorry Woody, we have more important things to deal with right now, like dragons.

;;; Apologies for my lack of posting but I've been a little busy. I

;;; have an exam on Thursday and I had an interview last Friday. Just

;;; had a call this morning to say after over a year of unemployment I

;;; finally have a job!!!


Leo: [Gulps] Right. Dragons. So, where is this, no doubt, really small dragon?

;;; Well done!


Harvey: Indeed! Besides, we can always shrink Austin's nose by trimming some off with a saw, as I mentioned earlier, what?

;;; And dragoons :P

;;; Congrats!


Austin : [To Harvey] And perhaps I'll saw your unsightly genetalia off with a saw.

;;; well done!


Alice: Oh my GOD! Will you people just stop? Why can't you be more like me and Mac? Come on, let's go!

[ALICE steps out of the house, where CHINNO is still walking around.]

Chinno: I can't find my car keys.

Alice: What's a car?

Chinno: [Thinks] I don't know!

;;; End of scene, next one coming right up


Charlie: Oh, do stop bickering! We have an important mission ahead, and we shall need to band together, behind me, your leader. [Dramatically] To the dragon! [Hesitates. To Leo] Er, which dragon are we after here? And where is he? Perhaps YOU should lead us there.

;;; Congrats, Tony!


[Book VIII, Act IV, Scene VII. The Yellow Stick Road. ALICE, AUSTIN, CHARLIE, CLINT, DUR, HARVEY, MAC and LEO are here, walking along a road made entirely of yellow sticks.]

Alice: This seems like a crazy way to pave a road.

[There seems to be someone, or something, approaching the party at speed.]


Austin : [Tuts] Indeed, they should have used human bones. Lord know we have enough spare humans. [Rolls his eyes]


Alice: Hey! You gotta turn that frown [draws a big smiley in the air] upside down, Mister! Humans are just great! Now, just watch how we deal with this new friend.

[The figure approaching is a bear, who is wearing a dress. This is ARIANNA THE BEAR.]

Alice: Hello, Mr. Bear.

Arianna: It's Mrs. Bear, you damned whore.

Alice: [Still smiling] Hello, Mrs. Bear, you damned whore. How are you today?

Arianna: [Gasps in shock] Suddenly a whole lot angrier!


Harvey: [To Alice, in a low voice] Perhaps you should tell her to turn that smile upside down, what?


Charlie: Hello, Ms. Bear! We are looking for a dragon. I don't suppose you've seen one around?


Alice: [To Harvey] I don't know, Harv, that looks more like an enraged grimace!

Arianna: Yes, and I'll tell you where he is if you help me defeat something even more evil.


Harvey: [To Alice] Hmmm, I see what you mean. [To Ariranna] Defeating evil is our speciality! [To the Party] That *is* our speciality, is it not?


Charlie: Oh, indeed! [To Arianna] How can we help you?


Dur: [Smiling] Oh, I thought our specialty was destroying enchanted gloves!

;;; and grats Tony!


Mac: We seem to be taking on everything else recently, so why not?

;;; Thanks everyone. Will be working as a web developer, so hopefully

;;; shouldn't impact playing here.


Austin : [Casually checking his beautiful left arm] We dually inform you that this is a verbal agreement and as such it is not legally binding, and we reserve the rights to alter any and all of the aforementioned agreement should we find the need to do so.


Arianna: I don't understand any of that, but it makes me angry. If you're in the business of defeating evil, what can you do about an evil, home wrecking, furniture destroying porridge stealing whore?

[The party form a huddle to discuss the request.]

Alice: I don't understand. Does she want us to provide one of these whores? Or stop one?


Dur: Perhaps she wants us to provide one so that we can stop her?


Alice: [To Charlie] Maybe your experience in the porn industry could be of use here?


Charlie: I'm quite sure I don't know what you mean. [Offended] What I do is [grandly] acting, and therefore art! [To Arianna] Could you tell us more about this [finger quotes] whore?


Arianna: She's scrawny, has fake blonde hair with irritating ringlets, wears short skirts and underwear that has flounces so small that, frankly, they make me sick.

Alice: She sounds awful!


Charlie: [Looks at Alice and laughs nervously] Er, yes! [Steps in front of Alice. To Arianna] And what did this silly, silly girl do, exactly? And how can we bring her to justice without, say, bloodshed?


Arianna: Just bring her to me. I'll look after the rest.


Charlie: Right, well, we'll look for her! Thank you for your hospitality. [To the party, in a low, urgent voice] Come along, group. We'd better find the dragon on our own!


Mac: And if we were to bring this girl to you what would said girls punishment be? I mean, we're not completely heartless. We couldn't hand her over without knowing what would happen to her now can we?


Arianna: [Gives a deafening roar] That's her! [Points at Alice] Her! Look!

Alice: Hey! I'll have you know that my underwear is extremely flouncy, and the others will tell you, my ringlets are *adorable*! [To the party] Right, guys?


;;; Sent to just me by accident:

Harvey: [Long Pause] Sure!

Leo: Really? I think *my* ringlets are far more adorable.


Austin : [To Alice] Perhaps an apology is in order?


Alice: [Folds her arms] Thank you! Thank you, Austin. [To Arianna] I'm waiting.

[ARIANNA rears up on her hind legs and lets out a huge roar.]

;;; Gone for 40 mins!


Mac: Erm, Alice, you're the one supposed to be apologising here!


Alice: What? Me? Okay, if I have to. Sorrrr-ree. [Mutters under her breath] You're such a bitch.

Arianna: Great. That's much better. Now it'll be an act of pleasure to kill you.

;;; Okay, really gone for 40 mins this time!


Harvey: Hmmm, perhaps some further training in the art of apologising is in order.


Alice: Yeesh! Okay! [To Arianna] I'm sorry.

Arianna: Good. That'll make ripping you and your friends limb from limb all the more fun!


Charlie: [To the others] RUN! [Tries to run away]


Austin : [To Charlie] That's the spirit! Lead from the front [tries to run after Charlie]


Alice: [To Leo] Hey! How about you helping us? We did make you, after all!

Leo: [Sigh] Okay, okay. [Reaches into Arianna's chest and pulls out her heart, which he holds out to Alice]

[ARIANNA falls down dead.]

Alice: [Screams] Ew! What the hell is wrong with you?

Leo: [Squeezes the heart] Look, the still beating heart of a bear!


Clint: We better not be meant to eat that!


Leo: Don't be ridic, you don't have to eat the *heart*.


Charlie: [Revolted] Well, at least we know destroying the glove actually improved our changes of surviving an encounter with the dragon!


Clint: Looks to me like destroying the glove improved *Leo's* chances of surviving an encounter with the dragon. Kind of.


Harvey: [To Leo, worriedly] Um, hmmm, what *do* we have to eat. [Brightens] Some honeyed golden locusts, perhaps?


Clint: As long as it's not more magic beans!


Leo: How about some bear brains? It'll build up your strength!


Clint: [Flexes.] Do I look like I need it? Give it to someone scrawny like Dur, here.

;;; Bear brains for strength! I foresee an epic ad campaign.


Alice: Eat her brains? Ew!

Leo: [Shrugs] Everyone knows that you take someone else's power when you eat their brain.

Alice: And power do we get? The ability to grow hair on our backs?

;;; And another one for indigestion medicine!


Austin : It is also a delicacy [Tries to eat a little nibble of bear brains if he can]


Alice: Yuck!

[Unfortunately the brains are contained with the skull.]


Austin : [Examining the head of the bear, and checking the body for anything interesting, like money] Does anyone have a hammer?


Alice: Sure. I have a big bag of them right here!

[No one has any tools, although there are plenty of rocks and logs around.]


Austin : [Finds a nice palm sized rock] This should do. [Tries to break a bit of the skull open] Best when they are fresh I am quite sure. [Ponders between hits] Perhaps a little garlic, olvie oil, and chilli would be a nice dressing.


Mac: Could we not just, you know, perhaps leave the dead bear and just get on with killing the dragon?


Charlie: [Disgusted] Ew, do stop that! Mac is right. Let us forget this bear and move on to the dragon!


Alice: [Looking like she's about to throw up] Yes! Well said, Bestie! Let's just get the hell out of here.

[AUSTIN smashes open the skull to reveal some deliciously fresh looking brains.]


Harvey: Hmm, I guess Austin's hungry, what? [Stomach rumbles]


Alice: [To Leo] Why didn't you reach in and pull out the brain?

Leo: Because no one asked me to.


Austin : [Delicately tastes a little bit of brain, as if sampling a fine wine] Hmmm.


Charlie: [Incredulous] We really haven't time to indulge your morbid tastes! [Hesitates] Unless, well, did it work? Are you stronger? Do a test!


Alice: He's like some awful, wooden zombie!


Austin : [Laughing at Alice's joke in a zombie like laugh] Let's see if I am stronger, Charlie looks like a fair test. [Tries to lift Charlie off the ground]


[AUSTIN tries to lift CHARLIE, but fails. However, she is quite a bit bigger than him.]

Alice: Maybe it didn't work? Or maybe you need to lift someone a little more svelte? [Alice is, of course, at least the same build as Charlie]


Austin : [To Alice] Lifting you would hardly be a challenge even if I did not have magical strength. [Dismissively] You are much too light to be a worthy test.


Alice: [Nods] Yes, I am very light. [Looks down at the brain] Well? Go on, eat some more!


Charlie: [Gasps] How dare you! I am quite fit!


Harvey: Nonesense, you are by no means fat! You are just big boned, my dear!

;;; Harvey, as usual, has the keen hearing of a wooden fence post!


Alice: [To Leo] Does eating the bear's brain really do something?

Leo: Of course! You'll get her strength!


Austin : [Eats some more brain, savouring it] Hmm, delicious, what a treat. [Tries to lift Charlie again] I didn't say you were fat!


Dur: [Smiling] Must not have been a very strong bear... [Looking at the brains his stomach growls] Odd. I am suddenly QUITE hungry!=


[AUSTIN tries to lift CHARLIE again, and this time succeeds.]


Charlie: [Giggles girlishly as she's lifted] Ooooh, you're so strong! [Suddenly distressed] We needn't all eat the brains, one hopes?


Leo: That depends.


Austin : [To Charlie] There you see, you're not heavy at all. Light as a feather.


Dur: [Smiling with a face full of brains] Depends on what?


Alice: Depends on what?

Leo: On whether or not you want the dragon to kill you.


Charlie: [Sighs heavily] Very well, we'll all eat. [To Dur, warningly] Save some of that for the rest of us!


Mac: Urgh, this is all rather distasteful. [Starts munching on the brain]


Harvey: I say, do we also inherit the bear's sunny disposition?


Leo: Either that or her dress sense. Believe me, buddy, either one would be a relief to the rest of us!

Alice: [To Mac] Oh, come on, Bestie, how bad can it be? [Takes a mouthful] Tastes a bit like chicken. That's been marinated in cow-shit for a few weeks!


Charlie: [Nibbles primly at a small piece of brain] It's horrid, simply horrid! Honestly, I don't know when I've had anything more disgusting in my mouth!

;;; Why have you people turned me into this?


Alice: You had my finger in there, didn't you? And we all know what I'd been scratching just before!

;;; Ahem.


Charlie: [Shuddering] Do stop talking. It will make it easier to keep the brain from coming straight back up again.


[Before long, everyone has choked back a generous amount of brain.]

Alice: Er, what should we do with her? Now that she has no brain and all. Hey! Maybe she could get a job at the University of Limerick!


Austin : [Ponders] Well, given that she has also had her heart removed they might accept her. How come she didn't turn into a ghost like Leo?

;;; couldn't resist!


Clint: Because we didn't kill her with an exploding glove, of course!

;;; Looks like the log is about several posts out of date, by the way.


Leo: Correctomundo, Clinterella!

;;; Thanks for the tip off -- not sure what's going on there!


Clint: [Gives Leo a death stare.] Right. What's next? Bathing in the blood of slaughtered flowers?

;;; When in doubt, pass the buck!


[The party suddenly notice SAM BEAU, the rude flower from earlier, at the side of the road.]

Sam: No! Dumbass!


Harvey: [To Clint] Hmmm, sounds interesting, what? Perhaps we should give it a try?

;;; Thanks for the heads up Tom! We'll take a look


Clint: Well, it couldn't hurt, anyway! We might get lucky and absorb a flower's lovability or something.


Harvey: Flower's lovability? [Looks at Sam] Hmm, probably not.


;;; I'm out today and tomorrow.


Clint: Well, not that one!

;;; I'm sure there's a "pluck you!" joke in there somewhere, but bleh.


Sam: Yeah? Well, pluck you, buddy!

Alice: I'm sick of being taunted by this mean flower. Let's get out of here.

;;; Just for you, Tom!


Clint: Hey!


Harvey: No idea! Ask Charlie, what?


Charlie: [Grabs a bear and slams it to the ground so hard it explodes in a feathery mess. Excited] Oh, I wish I had a war cry of some kind. This is all too thrilling!


Alice: Chaaarge! [Punches the dragon in the stomach] Ow! Hey! That really hurt!

Dragon: Fools! You've lost all your strength! [Laughs so hard that some flame comes down her nose]


Harvey: [To the Party] Perhaps we can make her laugh so hard she explodes? [To the dragon] Why did the honeyed golden locust cross the road?


Charlie: Well, it is a point of considerable vulnerability, of course. [Narrows her eyes at Harvey] That IS what you meant, isn't?!


Charlie: [To the Yellow Dragon] Release the princess at once or face the terrible consequences! [In a low voice, to the party] Get ready to run!!


;;; That is to say, NOT suited. Sigh!


Charlie: I don't know, but we must get out of here! [Tries to get to the exit]


[The YELLOW DRAGON, now enraged, rears up on its back legs.]

Alice: Let's jab it in the goolies with Austin's nose! [Turns to look] Hey! Where are the goolies?

[This dragon appears to be female.]


Austin : These are clearly traps for weak minded folls like us to be caught by! [To Harvey] We should rest and recover, then go and find this dragon, but with a little more self restraint this time.


Clint: Haw! This is great! [Rends a teddy bear limb from limb and jumps on the pieces.]

;;; I really want to say "why is there a foot on his nose?" but that would

;;; be kind of stupid.


Harvey: [To Charlie] Indeed, all great warriors need a battle cry. [Pulls a bear's arm off and clubs him with it]

;;; It would probably fit in this kind of world!


Charlie: [Examining the dragon] Whoops! Charge her, group! With our combined super-strength, we'll surely knock her flat! [Tries to charge into the dragon's midsection]


Mac: That's one way to get a tan. Do you think the dragon can even talk?


[CLINT opens the bottle of whisky and flame shoots out, setting his head on fire.]

Alice: [Ducks to avoid any fall out from the flame] What the hell? What's going on here?


Charlie: [Jerks her hand away and scolds Cuddles] Bad kitty! [Softens] Oh, I just can't stay mad at you! Mama forgives you, you darling thing! [Reaches back into the basket to pet Cuddles yet again]


Alice: Why on earth would we want to get at his testicles?


Clint: [Speculatively.] Whiskey would never hurt me! [Grabs a bottle of whiskey and opens it up.]


Austin : Aaaaaarrgghhh! [Tries to take the shoes off. Squeals] My beautiful feet!


Austin : [Shudders] Few things are creepier than a fat, ugly, naked old man refering to you as 'Private'. [Ponders] Although I am quite certain that I have never been involved in the adult film industry.


Austin : [Gasps] Hugio Sucksozi baby panda skin evening shoes [Gasps] In midnight blue! My favourite. [Stares in disbelief] What foul fate has befallen the owner of such a fine pair of shoes [Glances around] Never mind, waste not want not [Takes the shoes and tries them on]


Harvey: [To Austin] Indeed, Private Sleaze!

;;; Will be out for a couple of hours.


Austin : Ooh, that's a tricky one, I bet she can't guess the answer to that!


Alice: Yes, let's get to cover! [With Clint's aid, helps Austin to the exit, before looking back to the others] Come on, it's bound to be safer here.

[The YELLOW DRAGON appears behind ALICE, looking none too happy.]


Alice: Hurrah! Nothing can stop us! [Looks down] Aw! Look! A basket of adorable kittens -- they're so cuuuute!


Austin : You should know!


Charlie: [Tries to slap the mousse out of Alice's hand] Leave that! It might take a layer of skin next time! Let's go!


Harvey: Focus, Alice!

;;; This can't be good...


Yellow: Roar! [Breathes a huge blanket of flame]

[LEO, who has been unusually quiet, leaps up and somehow disperses himself over the party, so that, although the flames feel hot, they don't hurt.]

Alice: [Waves her hand in front of her face] Ew! His breath is even worse than Clint's!


Austin : [To Harvey] Don't touch me, don't! [Covers his feet]


Austin : Let's not get too close to it's oxters then!


Clint: I bet that's not something anyone's ever said to ugly naked guy before!


Alice: [Looks around] Huh? Oh, yeah. Hey! [Points at another basket, which is crammed full of cosmetics and hair care products] Wow!

[CHARLIE reaches down to pet the nearest kitten, CUDDLES, who immediately inflicts a savage wound on her. The rest of the party barely notice though, distracted as they are by other baskets, including, amongst other things, whiskey, honeyed golden locusts, disgusting looking entrails, some books on magic and a selection of panda skin clothing.]

Dur: [His big smile getting even bigger] Oh, hang on Charlie, this food looks delish! [Starts eating some of the entrails]

;;; I'm sure I don't know what you mean!


Mac: [To the Dragon] Erm, excuse me? Why are you trying to kill us? What did we ever do to you?


Dragon: [Wisely ignoring Austin and Harvey] Nothing. You just seem like one, big, happy family.


Mac: These books look great! [Is suddenly crushed by one falling out of the basket] Help!

[DUR grabs his stomach, for once not smiling.]

Dur: Oh! I think the intestine is trying to get out!

[At the same time, the golden honeyed locust that HARVEY is eating suddenly becomes alive, and starts to dig its way out of his throat. Meanwhile, AUSTIN's shoes start to shrink so fast that the others can hear bones/wood breaking in his feet.]

Alice: Aiiieee! [Takes her hands down from her hair, showing that it wasn't mousse at all, in fact, but some sort of super powerful hair remover.] Nooooo! My beautiful golden hair!

;;; It's a nightmare!


Clint: Ah! Get it off me! [Throws the whiskey away and stops, drops, and rolls.]

;;; What we should do is go to the dragon bearing gifts!


Harvey: [To the Party] Focus, troop! This is clearly a trap meant to-- Oh, by the saints these locusts look good! [Munches on a locust]


[AUSTIN manages to get the shoes off, but his feet are a mess of splinters and wood sap. Meanwhile, HARVEY coughs up the locust, along with a large chunk of his throat.]

Alice: Quickly! Let's get out of here! This stuff is too dangerous! [Pauses and grabs some more hair mousse] Uh, just in case it isn't all bad!

;;; Out for 1.5 hours!


Dur: [Smiling] Did you come from a broken home and now have a pathological distaste for hapy families?=


Charlie: [To Dur] Indeed! [To the dragon] What an extraordinary attitude! Why should the princess suffer because your father ran off with his secretary?!


Dur: [Smiling, but looking confused] You are? Because I thought you were a female DRAGON! Perhaps we have a case of a schizophrentic reptile on our ha= nds?


Harvey: [Choking on the locust]

;;; Yeah, this is kind of what I meant when I said the kittens

couldn't be a good sign!


Dragon: [Shrugs] I don't know, maybe it's because I'm a bitch?


Dragon: I have no idea what you're talking about, but that won't stop me from killing you.

Alice: Why? Are you really that unhappy in your own life?

Dragon: I'm perfectly happy, I just don't like seeing other people being happy.

Alice: [To Dur] I think she was right. She *is* a bitch!


Harvey: Perhaps it's her time of the month, what?


Austin : You will have to carry me, my feet a ruined!




Dur: [Smiling desperately, his eyes clenched in anticipation of great pain] Errr... What if I told you that you were quite easily the most beautiful c= reature I've ever laid eyes on?!


Alice: [To Harvey] You're a pig. [Slaps him]

[THE DRAGON takes a deep breath, clearly about to breathe out on the party again.]


Harvey: [To Austin] Worry not, my wooden friend! I am quite skilled at carpentry, as it's something of a hobby of mine, what? Why, a few years ago, I actually managed to hammer a nail into a piece of wood! All by myself, and I only hit my thumb four times! [Looks about, patting his "clothes down"] Now, where did I put my sandpaper?


Harvey: Gah! Leave no man behind troop! [Waits for the others to go help Austin]


Austin : Ooh, aah, ooh. [Sobs] Where will I find a skilled carpenter in this place!


Dur: [Smiling, nervously and in pain] Perhaps we can shave some wood from your perpetual nose and transplant it to your feet. If only we had a doctor = in the group!=20


Alice: Come on, Aus. [Helps him up, but looks back forlornly at the hair mousse] Sigh!

Mac: [From under the book] Help!

Alice: I got you, Bestie! [Scoops him up]


Alice: [Pointing at Harvey's hairy chest] Is that it there? Taped to your front?


Clint: [Desperately leaps to keep the dragon's mouth shut.]

;;; Hey, it works on alligators... sort of.


Charlie: [Leaps to Clint's assistance] I do hope you know what you're doing!

;;; Famous last words!


Clint: It's not like that that's ever stopped us before!


[The DRAGON easily swats CLINT out of the way but, just before she gets to breathe, the BLACK DRAGON appears, howling at her, and grabs her by the throat, the two of them disappearing down a massive ravine in the middle of the caves.]

Alice: Well, that was rather convenient.


Harvey: They seem to be having some sort of disagreement, what?


Charlie: [Relieved] What luck! Now, let us search the cave for the princess, while we have this chance.


Clint: Obviously, that fraction of a second she was delayed in mauling me made all the difference!


Harvey: Of course, Private Scar, of course! And in no way did you resemble a bogie she was trying to dislodge from the end of her nose.


Austin : Ewww. Please keep your metaphors to yourself, Colonel. [Frowns]


Harvey: [Frowns] What are you worried about, Austin? The end of your nose is now so far away from the rest of you, you probably wouldn't even notice if there was a bogie on the end of it, what?


Clint: In fact, keep a lot of things to yourself!

;;; Always sound advice for a naked person.


Austin : Yes. Do that. [Carefully checks his nose]

;;; Sooo how long is his nose now?


Alice: Actually, Aus, I didn't want to say it, but, you've got a [touches the top of her nose] . Hm, how are we ever going to get across this dangerous looking eight foot wide ravine?

;;; About eight foot and one inch!


Harvey: Indeed - we need some kind of long pole thing, just over eight foot long.


Austin : Fill it in with stones to make a bridge?


Clint: If only we had an eight-foot pole! [Regards Austin.]


Alice: Good idea, Austin. Let's see, it's eight foot across, we need something let's say, one foot wide, and [peers over the edge] a gajillion feet deep. That's probably a lot of stones.

;;; Heather's AFK

Charlie: Splendid idea, Colonel! [Eyes up Austin] But where would we get such a thing. It's not like poles are just hanging around, is it?

;;; Away for an hour


Austin : [Looks at everyone looking at his nose] Errm, no, I don't think so, it simply would not hold your vast masses. You will have to find something else that is a little over eight foot long. My nose is clearly not long enough anyway.


Mac: Perhaps we could cut down a tree and use that as a bridge? Or failing a tree something else wooden that just happens to be over eight foot?


Charlie: But where can we find a tree inside a cave? [To Austin] Don't be such a baby! Your nose looks plenty sturdy. We'll go one at a time, so as not to strain it.


Alice: Just make sure it's sanded down -- we wouldn't want to get any splinters, would we?


Harvey: Perhaps we can nail some planks to it to make a bridge, what?


Alice: Oh! I have it! We could go out and get a few trees and nail them to it, that ought to shore it up!


Charlie: [To Austin] Have we ruled out using your rather useful and lengthy nose?


Austin : Yes we certainly have. It is an exquisitely designed hand made precision instrument, not a bridge.


Harvey: Instrument? And what, exactly, do you use it for?


Austin : Alas, at present I mostly use it to detect my proximity to my rather noxious comrades.


Alice: Huh. I thought you mainly used it for sticking up your own ass. [To the others] Seeing as how our nosey comrade won't help, how are we going to get across?


Austin : Charming! [Rolls his eyes] There is no way that my nose would support the weight of any of you, except for Mac, possibly. I expect that even Mac would be quite a strain.


Alice: Maybe we could nose vault across?


Harvey: Excellent idea! I was pole-vaulting champion in my regiment. Now, I just need a long pole, say about eight feet long...


Austin : Are you really suggesting that I cut my nose off? [Looks deeply offended] What do you take me for? Some form of shrubbery that requires amature pruning?


Alice: Oh come on! There's nothing amateurish about our pruning! Now, someone pass me a rusty rock, quickly!

Clint: Look, the puppet isn't going to help. We better try jumping across.


Charlie: Indeed, it isn't that far! [Makes a running leap for it]

;;; Eight feet is nothing. Right?!


[CHARLIE sails through the air and lands on the other side without any drama.]

Alice: Wow! That's really easy! [Leaps across, only for her underpants to fall off midway over the ravine, and to disappear into the depths] Gah! [Makes it over]

;;; Well, the world record is about 29 feet! Anyone who wants to jump across can


Charlie: [Delighted] Oh, how exciting! [Pleased] I really am rather a dashing figure, given the sordidness of my profession!


Austin : [Takes Mac if he can] Come on, is seems as though your bestie has forgotten you. [Tries to run and jump across]


;;; I'm assuming Charlie is still carrying Mac...

[AUSTIN sails across easily.]


;;; aah, my bad

Austin : [Triumphantly to the others] You see, no need to maim your comrades.

;;;out for the rest of the day


Harvey: Well, as athletics champion in my regiment, the record was a massive two feet, but needs must. [Attempts to jump across]


[HARVEY hurtles across and lands on the other side.]


Charlie: [To the others] Hurry! We must find the princess!


Clint: [Makes a running jump, trying to avoid squishing the others when he lands.]

;;; So did I ever mention just how much I hate fortran?


Austin : I wonder if the princess know a good cabinet maker.

;;;; I didn't know we had an archaeologist amongst us! :)


Harvey: Or a good tailor - I think there may be a rip in my robes.

;;; It's like those guys you see on TV who make tools and bread and

things like that using ancient techniques

;;;; out most of the day - emergency!


Clint: Or an incredibly grateful twin sister!

;;; We'll keep on making our bread with ancient techniques because we've got

;;; thousands of man-hours invested in learning how to make bread with ancient

;;; techniques!


Harvey: [Frowns] How would the princess' twin sister fix my robes?

;;; Touche! On a related note, F# makes my brain hurt.


Clint: She'd send a flunky to tell you how to find a tailor, of course!

;;; As a scientist who only pretends to write programs, I have more-or-less

;;; zero idea what that means, but I'll go with "ugh" on general principle. =)


Charlie: We haven't time to run errands!

;;; Sigh. We need more liberal arts majors in this game!


Alice: In fairness, points at Harvey's crotch, there does seem to be some sort of loose thread between his legs! [Dramatically pointing down the only available passageway leading away from the ravine] To the seamstress!

;;; End of scene, next one coming right up!

;;; Oh my GOD. I turn my back for time(300) and you lot geek up the comments!!


[Book VIII, Act IV, Scene IX. Another Cavern. ALICE, AUSTIN, CHARLIE, CLINT, DUR, HARVEY and MAC are here, enthusiastically heading into the darkness and, if they didn't have the help of a spirit like LEO or their super strength, almost certain, grisly death.]

Alice: [Stopping] Hey! Leo seems to be dead, right? And we're not super strong any more, so, uh, what happens when we meet a bad guy?


Charlie: Stealth is the answer, I suspect! We must be very, very careful not to attract unwanted attention.


Austin : Perhaps Harvey should go first, he will distract unwanted attention away from the rest of us.


Harvey: [In a booming voice] Nonsense, Private Sleaze! I will slip past any opposition like a shadow, what?!?

Damn phone alarms! Didn't wake me up this morning so now I'm rushing round like a mad man. Was going to be on this morning but busy this afternoon and out tomorrow and Friday.


Austin : [Smugly] Good, then you won't mind gonig first.


Alice: He might be in the lead, but your nose will get there first!

[The party continue a short while and the passageway opens up into a larger cavern that has at five other passageways leading off it. Standing here are two very large men, at least nine feet tall with what appear to be massive snakes for feet. These are FARLEY ARROW and MICHEL GRENSNIDE.]

Farley: Halt!

;;; Unless you've *already* been told otherwise, both of these look

familiar, although

;;; your character can't place them.


Austin : [Scrutinises Farley's face] Do I know you? You seem rather familiar?


Dur: [Smiling] Maybe they can fix your ever-growing nose, eh?


Farley: I'm sure that if I saw a nose like that, I'd remember it!

[FARLEY and MICHEL laugh at AUSTIN.]

Alice: [To Michel] And you, I think we know each other.

Michel: I"m sure that if I'd ever seen a haircut like that, I'd remember it!

[More laughter.]

Alice: Hey!


Harvey: You do look familiar, though I confess I cannot remember quite where I've seen you. Perhaps you remember my robes - they are quite fine, what?


Michel: I'm quite sure that if I had seen you wandering around naked I'd have sucked your cock.

Farley: [Shocked, turning to Michel] Huh?

Michel: I mean, I'm quite sure that if I had seen you wandering around naked I'd have, uh, kicked you in the balls and made mean comments about the size of your manhood.

[MICHEL and FARLEY roar with laughter. Meanwhile, AUSTIN's nose appears to have grown a tiny bit more.]


Charlie: [To Farley and Michel] Oh, are you perhaps involved with military-theme pornography, given your [nods at Michel] obvious familiarity with certain industry-required tasks?


Michel: Hey! I read those magazines for the articles on carriages.

[AUSTIN's nose grows a little more.]


Dur: [Smiling nervously at Austin's nose growth] I do hope that is not cancerous!=


Harvey: I just hope it doesn't poke my eye out!


Austin : My nose grows a little everytime someone else lies. He [Points at Michel] Obviously was not reading the magazines for the articles on carriages, and he [Points at the other guy] clearly fancies Harvey.


Alice: I just hope my hair grows back!

Michel: [Shakes his foot in the direction of the party, causing the snake to hiss at them] Turn around and leave!


Charlie: [To the party] Let's hurry past! Surely they can't move that well with snakes for feet! [Tries to rush past Michel]


[The snakes on MICHEL's foot rise up and hiss at CHARLIE, causing her to fall back.]

Michel: Ah ah! You can't do that. You must first choose a passageway, and then you can pass. However, be aware that only one leads where you want to go, and all the others will lead to a most [squirms in anticipation] gruesome demise. [To Farley] I hope they pick one of the wrong ones!

Farley: Me too! I like when they get liquidized. Mm, tasty!


Harvey: Hmmm, snakes' feet [Stomach rumbles]


Clint: [To Farley, trying to be clever.] So if you wanted to avoid an gruesome demise, which passageway would you pick?

;;; I figure, we've got a portable lie detector... Also, I'm wondering

how fast the nose grows, because if it's fast enough,

;;; we could totally weaponize Austin's nose! These are the kinds of

things I think about on a Wednesday afternoon.


Austin : [Rolls his eyes] The abuse I endure at the hands of this party. [Casually checks his nails] All for the greater good I suppose. [Sighs]


Farley: Uh, [points to the first one behind him] that one.

[On cue, AUSTIN's nose grows a little.]


Harvey: Hmmm... And, of course, you wouldn't be fibbing to us, would you?


Clint: Nah. There's no way he'd fib us!


Austin : Good, we choose the other way then.


Charlie: Splendid! Off we go, then.


Farley: Hey! I'm offended [Austin's nose grows] that you'd suggest I'd lie! I've never lied in my life! [Austin's nose grows a bit more] And my farts don't smell like rotten cabbage. [Austin nose grows even more]

Alice: Hang on, Sarge. Which one do we take? There are four more, assuming that he was lying.

Farley: Which he wasn't! [More nose growth]


Austin : [Sighs] I suppose that we had better check them all. [Looks tearfully at his nose]


Clint: Don't worry. We can sand that thing down some, maybe a little work with a jigsaw, you'll never know it was ten feet long once!


[AUSTIN's nose grows a little bit more!]


Charlie: [To Farley, moving toward one of the passageways] How about this one? It's safe, right?


Harvey: We could poke Austin's nose into the cave and see if anything bites it off, what?

;;; Out for a couple of hours - meeting grrr


Austin : [In a huff] Can we come up with a more sustainable plan involving less pain, please.


Alice: Aw, come on, Aus, there's hardly any pain involved in that one. [Thinks for a moment] Oh, you mean to YOU? Ah!

Farley: [To Charlie] Uh, sure!

[Everyone looks at AUSTIN, but no nose growth.]


Charlie: [Delighted] Aha, here it is, group! This way! [Attempts to continue down the path she indicated was safe]


Farley: [Steps in front of Charlie] Uh uh. You will not pass us. [Austin's nose grows a little, causing him to shout at Austin] Hey! Stop doing that!


Austin : [To Farley] You stop lieing.


Farley: I'm not lying!

[AUSTIN's nose grows more and pokes into FARLEY. Much to the party's surprise, he bursts and flies around like a deflated balloon.]


Dur: [Smiling] Good work Austin!


Austin : [Clearly not happy about this] Anytime. [Tries to poke the other guard with his nose]


Michel: You fool! [Steps back] You'll never get me! Never in a million years!

[AUSTIN's nose grows and punctures MICHEL.]


Harvey: Well, that was fortunate, eh, Troop? Onward march! [Confused] Um, where are we going again?


Charlie: [Claps her hands delightedly] What a handy little thing you are, Austin! [Looks at Michel disapprovingly] I must say, it really was rather short-sighted to employ inflatable guards! Perhaps our enemies are not as formidable as we had feared!


Austin : [Chuckles] You were scared of those two? Were you worried that they might out class you?


Alice: How come you were crying like a little girl until they were deflated by your enormous nose, Aus?


Austin : Because I dislike the constant abuse I recieve. How would you like it if your comrades deliberately abused you?


Charlie: [Walking toward the exit, looking back to the party] Why aren't you following me?! Come along at once! Chop-chop!


Harvey: [Nonchalantly] Oh, we're just waiting to see if you get eaten. It's how such things are done, what? You let one expendable member of the party scout ahead and if she gets eaten, the rest of us know it's dangerous.


Austin : [To Charlie] We are wating for you to set off any traps that there might be. Please continue, we shall be along shortly. [Sighs, turns to Alice] We should go for a drink or two after this.


Charlie: [Gasps] Expendable?! Me?!


Austin : Yes indeed, Little Charcoal Charlie. What a little sense of self worth you must have to to joyfully stride to your death in order to protect your leaders! [To Harvey] One must admire the proles, so humble, yet so feral and numerous.

;;; awa hame!


Charlie: [To Austin, with a sniff] Clearly, you have never met anyone truly courageous before! [Turns to Harvey, furious] You'd better not realize that superfluous and expendable mean virtually the same thing, and instead mistakenly believe that superfluous means extraordinary!!


Harvey: Of course! [Checks to see if Austin's nose has grown]


Clint: Bah! I ain't afraid of no ghost! [Leads the way down the passage.]

;;; By the way... we weaponized Austin's nose after all! I am a

prophet, I tell ya!


Austin : [To Harvey, nodding towards Clint] You see, where one fails another takes it's place. Marvellous!


Clint: Hey, she's just a porn star, so she's not cut out for this kind of thing. Don't get your nose out of joist.


Alice: That's right Aus. You do know that we have the power to make your nose grow at will, right?

[The party advance along the passageway, which soon turns into a spiral staircase leading up, with ALICE and DUR propping up AUSTIN who's legs are still damaged. It keeps going up. And up. And up. About half an hour later, sweaty and exhausted, the party arrive at what appears to be the top of a very tall tower. In front of them is a huge door made of gold.]


Austin : [Laughs. To Alice] Try it again and you might be the one getting the point!


Charlie: Finally! I suppose when one can fly, stairs are no great bother! Shall I try to open the door, or are we in any state to continue without a rest?


Clint: Bah! Only pansies need a rest at a time like this!

;;; I suppose a door-kicking foot on a heavy, solid gold door is a bad idea.


Charlie: [Cheerily] I like your spirit, Mr. Scar! Now, let's get this door open! [Tries to open the door]


Harvey: Nonsense, Private Scar! A well rested troop is an effective one, what? A good soldier never marches himself to death. Well, unless ordered to by a superior officer, of course!


[CHARLIE opens the door to reveal a huge, lavishly decorated room. Inside are two beds, each with a girl asleep on them. One is blonde (SLEEPING GIRL 1) and the other is black haired (SLEEPING GIRL 2) and is wearing a tiara.]

Alice: Finally!


Austin : Perhaps they are both princesses?


Alice: Perhaps -- but who would have known that princesses snore so loudly!


Charlie: Certainly not! It must be the one in the tiara, surely. [Goes to the girl in the tiara and gently touches her shoulder. In a soft voice] Princess?


Harvey: [In a loud, booming voice] No, no, no! That's no way to wake someone up! We'll do it the way we'd get troops up in the army, what?!? [At the top of his lungs] Rise and shine you worthless maggots!!!! Come on, move it! Princesses front and centre right now or you're both on latrine duty!!!


Austin : [Watching the sleeping girls] Must have been quite a party last night [Checks their vital signs]


[Although both of them are clearly alive, the shaking 'n shouting doesn't wake them up.]


Charlie: [Worried] Perhaps we should try to carry them out? Maybe they need medical attention.


Austin : [Carefully searches the girls, for clues of course!] Perhaps we should not move them, they may have serious injuries.


Charlie: Yes, I think you are right. But how can we help them, poor dears? Let us do our best to diagnose the problem. High fever, perhaps? [Presses her lips to the forehead of the tiara-wearing girl]


Heather #67

Harvey: [Shocked at Charlie's actions] Charlie, this is not one of your dirty movies, and these young ladies are not to be taken advantage of. [Thinks] Um, carry on, though. You know, in case it helps.


[The girl's eyes quickly open and she gives a gasp, before looking around at the party and giving a smile. Before anyone has a chance to say anything, she disappears, as does the other girl.]

Alice: Nice going, Charlie!

[The roof is suddenly ripped off and the party can see that it is now night time, and that there is an unnaturally huge moon outside. The entire tower starts to shake.]


Charlie: [To Alice, annoyed] I didn't do anything!! [Looks up and gasps] It must be the dragon! Run for the stairs, hurry!


Austin : [Ponders] Perhaps they are the dragons, one black, one golden.


Alice: Let's discuss it when we get down the stairs! [Opens the door] Oh no! The stairs are gone!

[This is true! The room seems to be floating in the air. However, a huge tree is growing up from below.]

;;; Out for 1.5 hours!


Charlie: [To Austin] Oh, dear! I just kissed a dragon?! [Looks at the tree] I suppose we'd better try to climb down this tree! [Looks for a branch to step onto]


Austin : [To Charlie] You have probably kissed worse things in your career [Chuckles]


Harvey: Besides, some people would probably pay good money for the girl-on-dragon action, what? [Attempts to climb down onto the tree]


Austin : [Looking at Harvey] It sounds like there might be at least one person who would be interested.


Last from Dom 76

Mac: [Looks at Harvey and shudders] A bit too interested!

[Everyone climbs onto the tree and can see what appears to be a window in it.]

Alice: This is kind of odd, right?


Dur: [Smiling] This entire endeavor has been odd my dear, what makes this more odd than the rest of it?=


Charlie: [To Alice, incredulously] What part?! [Tries to open the window]


Alice: The fact that there's a window in the tree!


[The window opens easily, revealing a room about 20' x 20'. Inside are hundreds and hundreds of cups, glasses and mugs, each of which contains a sweet smelling orange liquid.]


Charlie: [Baffled] What on earth is this? [Sniffs at one of the cups] Mmm, it's a lovely smell. I wonder what it could be? [Gingerly takes a small sip of the liquid]


Dur: [Smiling and rolling his eyes at Alice as he climbs in the window] You're right. The window is the strange part of all this.=


[A flash of lightning zaps CHARLIE and she disappears.]

Alice: Wow! Whatever it is, it certainly has a kick! [Looks out the window] Uh, I think the tree is falling!

[ALICE seems to be right. Unfortunately, the party are very, very high up.]


Austin : [Climbs into the room] Most kind of someone to lay on refreshments, I'm parched!

;;;;awa hame


Austin : [Looks out of the window] Yikes! [Downs a cup of orange]


Harvey: [Picks up a cup] Oh well, bottoms up, Troop! [Downs the orange]


Alice: Cheers! [Grabs a mug and knocks it back, before giving some to Mac] Don't worry, I won't forget you, Bestie!

[Within a few seconds, everyone has taken a drink. There is a series of zaps of lightning, one for each of the party, and soon, they have all disappeared. Meanwhile, down below, enter CHINNO LITTLE, looking annoyed.]

Chinno: Right! Where are those guys that stole a piece of my mind? I'm going to give them a piece of my mind!

[Rather conveniently, SAM BEAU, the rude flower, is here.]

Sam: Those dumb asses are up in the tree!

Chinno: The tree that's falling? Ha! They are dumb asses!

[SAM and CHINNO roar with laughter.]

Chinno: Hang on a second. Isn't that tree about to fall on us?

[Splat. CHINNO and SAM get squashed.]

;;; End of Book VIII, Act IV, next one coming right up