02.01.001

[Book VIII, Act II, Scene I. A Carriage in Apraxia. ALICE, AUSTIN, CHARLIE, CLINT, DUR, HARVEY and MAC here, along with WINSTON, who is tied up.]

Winston: Are we there yet?

Alice: Almost. Why are you so keen? Once we get you to Boningham Manor, Gertie will find out everything about you.

Winston: Anything would be better than being down near all your feet!

02.01.002

Charlie: [To Winston] Do be quiet, or we shall have you sitting under Mr. Scar! [To the party, looking down the road] Now, I'll just need a minute or sign a few papers once we get to the courthouse. I won't delay us very long!

02.01.003

Dur: I assume it has something to do with dotting all the t's and crossing the I's on your divorce paperwork?=

02.01.003

Harvey: [Munching on some snakes feet] Hmmm, she said she wouldn't be long so I'm sure it's nothing like that!

02.01.003

Austin : [To Charlie] That a minute is probably not long enough to read all of the small print involved in a divorce. Are you quite certain that you have full custody of your child, for example? [Sighs] I doubt if this is Pestilence's first divorce, he will probably know a few tricks.

02.01.004

Alice: [Nods] I bet he's had loads of them!

[The carriage pulls up outside the courthouse, where GERTRUDE and IVAN are waiting.]

02.01.005

Charlie: [Stung] He's never been married before! [To Gertrude, surprised] Hello, Grandmother! Are you going to going us on the way to Bodenringham Manor?

02.01.006

Gertrude: Of course, dear! I believe that I will be able to help research the origins of those Yellow Tied Fiends. [To Ivan] Thank you for dropping me off, it was a pleasure. [Grabs him and kisses him passionately]

[The kiss goes on. And on.]

Alice: [Checks her watch] Yeesh!

[And on. And on. Eventually, she lets him go with an audible pop.]

Ivan: [Staggers back] Gertie, you take my breath away.

Gertrude: I know.

02.01.007

Mac: [Awkwardly avoiding the kiss] Gertrude, how pleasant to have you with us.

02.01.008

Charlie: [Watches Gertrude with a mix of horror and admiration] Grandmother! [To the party, briskly] Yes, well, I must dash inside to sign this paperwork, but I'll be right back and we can be on our way. [Heads into the courthouse]

02.01.009

Gertrude: [Slaps Ivan's ass as he leaves and she gets in] Great to see you all again. Did you have fun in jail?

02.01.009

Harvey: [Eyes wide watching the kiss] Phwoar! [Recovers] Er, I mean, hmm, um, that is...

02.01.010

Alice: Er, sure! It was great!

Gertrude: So, what are our theories on these Yellow Ties?

02.01.011

Dur: Well, my current 'theory' is that all the ties were actually made in alittle town called Anihc by people who are enslaved from birth for the exp= ress purpose of making ties and that the ties are all sewn from the hairs of a Demon Lion's tail. [Looks around] What? She asked for our theories!

02.01.012

Harvey: Hmm, yes, well. [Then, more enthusiastically] The main theory is that they are blaggards who are in serious need of a good thrashing, what?!?


;;; Time to dig out my Blackadder Goes Forth DVD, I think :)

02.01.013

Gertrude: [Considers the theories] I do recall a demon who had slaves construct ties out of hair, now that you mention it. Although, those ties were black, and it was back hair.

[Enter DOUGLAS BEIGE, a man in a boring suit, who approaches the carriage.]

Douglas: Are you the Queens View Party?


;;; Sounds like good research material!

02.01.014

Dur: [Suspiciously] That depends on why you are asking.

02.01.015

Douglas: I have some playful kittens for you, and lots of snacks. Also, clothes, money and anything else that you like.

02.01.016

Harvey: [Perks up] Do you have any food? I'm starving, by the saints, and we're almost out of snakes feet!

02.01.017

Douglas: Why, as it so happens, I do. So fresh that if you had a microscope you could see the toes still twitching. [Looks sad] Oh, but I can only give them to the Queens View Party.

02.01.017

Austin : [Dryly to Douglas] Do you have any subtlety, [Glances at Dur and Harvey] We appear to have none left whatsoever.


;;; awa hame!

02.01.018

Douglas: [Nods at Austin] Dipped in chocolate and marinated in Louis XIV Brandy for two days. [Looks at a piece of paper in his hand] Oh, and it comes with a brand new bottle of M'Oreal La Feria Hair Colour Kit.

Alice: It's us! We're the Queens View Party! That's us!

Douglas: [Hands Alice a large envelope] You've been served. You're due in court ten minutes ago.

Alice: [Holds up the super thin envelope] I'm confused. Is the M'Oreal in here?

02.01.019

Harvey: So where are the snakes feet, hmm? Are there no snakes feet?!? Gah, we've been conned! Austin, you must sue this man at once!

02.01.020


;;; Dom's gone!

Austin: Alas, Colonel, all's fair in love, war and summonsing. We have no choice.

[The party enter the courtroom. The place is like a madhouse, with reporters and photographers blinding them with flashes as they stagger in. Sitting in the courtroom with a face like thunder is CHARLIE, while across from her looking very, very smug, is PESTILENCE, along with a sleazy looking lawyer, GAUL SOODMAN. There are a bunch of cheerleaders here, lead by JOHNA OLIVE, singing chants in favour of PESTILENCE, all while an ineffectual, timid and confused looking judge, JUDGE REINHOLD JUDGE hammers with his gavel.]

Reinhold: Border! Border!

02.01.021

Charlie: [To the party, flushed and angry] Have you ever seen anything more absurd in your life?! We were supposed to be signing papers and going our separate ways, but he just couldn't let it end with dignity, could he?!

02.01.022

Dur: So we have determined what SHOULD have happened, but can you tell us what IS happening here, Chuck? Why did we all get summons?=

02.01.022

Harvey: [Distracted] Hmm? What? Oh, right. Terrible way to behave I'm sure, almost like a demon! Anyone see any refreshments?

02.01.023

Last John #24

Alice: Aw, don't worry, Charlie, I'm sure this will be a dignified proceedings.

Gaul: [Stands up] Your honour, please! Just two more minutes, the hookers will be here by then, I'm sure of it!

02.01.023

Charlie: [To Dur] He doesn't want a divorce, so he's fighting it. And I presume he's summoned all of you because for some reason he thinks you will support his cause, if you can imagine that!

02.01.024

Reinhold: Aw, come on, Mr. Soodman, you can't have hookers in here! [Pause] Can you?

Gaul: Sorry, Judge, but I always slap a hooker's ass before I start a trial!

[Enter HUNNIE CYRUP, a scantily dressed girl who walks up to GAUL. GAUL slaps her ass, amidst much flashing of cameras, and she takes a seat.]

Gaul: Now, I don't want to tell tales, but I must point out, the defence [dramatically] don't seem to respect the court enough to bring their own hooker!

02.01.025

Charlie: [Looks at Gaul, disgusted. To Pestilence] Really, darling? He's the best you could find?!

02.01.026

Gaul: [Looks Charlie up and down] Huh. You're right, Pestilence, she does look much better with her clothes on.

Pestilence: [With a big grin, addressing Charlie] He sure is!

Reinhold: Border! Border! Come on! It's like people don't even know what I'm talking about!

02.01.027

Harvey: Your honour, Colonel Harvey Kingston Short III, of His Majesty's Fusileers, Retired. May I say that this kind of behaviour from the prosecution, if that is indeed what they are, is highly inappropriate. It reminds me of the time that Digger Shorty accidentally stepped on Field Marshal Marrick's swagger stick, and broke it. Poor Marrick had to do the entire court-marshal without his stick, and... Um where was I?


;;; Hometime

02.01.027

Charlie: [Snaps at Reinhold] That's because you are quite ridiculous! The word you are looking for is "Order!"


;;; That's my three, and so probably my last today!

02.01.028

Reinhold: Order? Huh! How about that? I thought it was border. Are you sure it's not border? That makes way more sense than order. It's not like we're in a restaurant or anything, is it? [To Harvey] Which ones are the prosecution?

02.01.028

Clint: [Points to Hunnie.] I think that's her. [Pauses.] Or did you say pros*ecu*tion?


;;; Ugh. I was up alllll night working on some emergency antivirus-type

;;; stuff. Boss got back in town last night after two weeks on the French

;;; Riviera. It's been quite the day!

02.01.029

Harvey: Now I remember! Swaggering sticks! [To Mac] An officer can't be without his swaggering stick, Mac. It's like a part of his body. It fills the men - with confidence you understand - to see their commander whip out his stick, grasp it firmly in his hand, and wave it defiantly at the enemy, what? I mean without his swaggering stick what would he wave at the enemy, hmmm? [Pauses thoughtfully] Have you ever thought of joining the military, young Mac?

02.01.030

Mac: Why no, Colonel. I was always more the scholarly type. [To the judge] Your honour, you were quite right before. This *is* no place for a hooker no matter how much the prosecution [points to Gaul] would like to claim it is. And their claim that us not bringing a hooker is disrespecting this court is nothing more than an outrageous attempt to hide their own contempt of this court *by* bringing a hooker.

02.01.031

Austin : [Strolling nonchalantly across the floor] Your honour, if I may make a suggestion. The presence or absence of one or more ladies of negotiable affections is really neither here nor there with respect to the case at hand, vis a vis the proposed annulment of the proposed annulment of the previous nuptial agreement, as presently stands between the prosecution and the defence!

02.01.032

Harvey: [To Austin and Mac, approving] Aha! Bamboozle the enemy with lots of words! I like it! Reminds me of the time we dressed up one of our men as a woman to confuse the enemy - and they were very confused let me tell you! [Pause, frowning] Harrison seemed very keen on the plan, as I recall...

02.01.033

Charlie: [To Reinhold] My colleagues are quite right. This trial is a sham. [To Pestilence] Have you even any evidence to present, or is your only aim to entertain and/or annoy?

02.01.033

Reinhold: [With a big, goofy grin] Wow! This all sounds really exciting! What happens now?

Gaul: [Points at Austin] My learned friend is correct -- the uncalled for and [shakes his head with horror] frankly repulsive attacks on my hooker have no place in this courtroom! I say we press on with the case.

Reinhold: [Bangs his gavel] Yay! Let's start the case of Dr. Charlotte Parker-Kensington, Plaintiff, vs. Rev. Pestilence Sotot, BSocSc, MBA, Defendant.

02.01.034

Pestilence: [Puts on a shocked face] Charlie, please! You need to show more respect for due process!

02.01.035

Mac: Your honour, the plaintiff Mr, wait what? [Turns to Pestilence] Since when were you a member of the clergy?

02.01.035


;;; Bah, I meant the defendant, not plaintiff.

02.01.036

Pestilence: Hey! It's a little thing called faith! [Looks angelic for a moment]

Alice: And you have a degree in Social Science?

Pestilence: [Shrugs] I'm a giver.

02.01.037

Harvey: [Still droning on] ...he spent a lot of time trying on bodices for some reason...

02.01.038

Charlie: [To Gaul] Have you a defense to present? Or may we put an end to this madness and be on our way? [To Pestilence] We have just a few papers to sign, then you will be free to carry on in any ridiculous way you wish.

02.01.039

Austin : She's a giver too!

02.01.040

Harvey: [STILL droning on] ...and then *we* said take 'im for a drink! [Blinks, then realises no one has been listening to him] Hmmph, well I say! Um, who's a giver? Give 'em hell, what?!?

02.01.041

Dur: What is being disputed by this 'trial'?

02.01.042

Harvey: Whether Charlie is a giver or a taker, I believe.

02.01.043

Pestilence: Can't she be both? [Gives a wink and makes a finger gun] Click-click!

Reinhold: Objection!

[Everybody goes silent for a moment.]

Reinhold: Uh, what happens now?

[Enter IGOR NORANT, a court bailiff.]

Igor: You are the judge! You don't object, you over rule objections!

Reinhold: Well then, [dramatically] objection over ruled!

Gaul: [To the party] We are fighting the Plaintiff's motion for divorce. And we're going to win. [Flashes a smile at the photographers] When you're back's to the wall, you gotta call Gaul!

02.01.044

Charlie: [To Gaul] And just how do you plan to do that?

02.01.045

Gaul: With dashing, cunning, wit and, most of all, [flashes a smile at the cameras] gall!

[HUNNIE stands up and bends over so that GAUL can spank her ass.]

Reinhold: Okay, [seriously] let me tell you how it's going to be. [Bursts into an annoying fit of giggles] Sorry! Sorry! It's my first day! Right, you people [waves at the party with his gavel] will act as Charlie's counsel, although you may be called to the stand at some time. Tell them about the stand, Igor.

Igor: [Glares at various people around the room] Behold, the [dramatic, scary voice] Zone of Truth!

02.01.046

Charlie: [To the party, in a low, humiliated voice] Oh, I do apologize for this! [To Igor, worried] What on earth is the Zone of Truth?!

02.01.047

Austin : [Looks very concerned] A remarkable innovation in judicial practice?

02.01.048

Harvey: A place to confuse and torture lawyers?

02.01.049

Igor: [Clearly enjoying describing it] It is a combination of both! Any lie that is told within the Zone of Truth will set off an alarm. [Steps into the dock] I am an elephant.

[Ding! A loud bell rings, and a red light flashes briefly.]

Igor: I really like my pet kitten.

[Everyone looks at the red light, but it doesn't go off.]

Igor: [Holds up a picture to the court, it is of an adorable kitten] His name is Mr. Cuddles, he likes being cuddled. [Puts the picture away]

02.01.050

Charlie: [Uneasily] Er, is that really necessary? [Hopefully] Can't we just trust that everyone will tell the truth?

02.01.051

Mac: Oh this should be entertaining.

02.01.052

Austin : [Looks at the Zone Of Truth doubtfully] Has it been comprehensively tested? Does it have FDA approval? It looks like it was made by a bunch of local lads who had been smoking too much cheese!

02.01.053

Charlie: [Quickly] Excellent points, Mr. Sleaze! Obviously, we cannot consent to use this so-called, alleged Zone of Truth unless we are certain we will not be at risk!

02.01.054

Igor: Any refusal to answer a question will be met with shock. A second refusal will result in a severe shock. A third refusal will be dealt with severely, and you will be held in contempt of court. [To Austin] This has been rigorously tested. I can assure you that it is 100% safe.

[Ding! The alarm goes off.]

Igor: Well, maybe not safe, but effective. [Reaches into his pocked and pulls out what appears to be a blackened, charred mess] See?

Reinhold: Isn't it great?

02.01.055

Charlie: [Recoils at the sight of the blackened mess. To Pestilence] Do you really intend to put me through this?!

02.01.055

Dur: [To the rest of the party] Well, at least they have manners! [To Igor] I don't mind if I do! [Tries to break off a piece of the blackened mass to= eat it]

02.01.056

Pestilence: Just tell the truth, baby, and you'll be fine.

Reinhold: Okay. Any questions? Once this, uh, [to Igor] what's it called again?

Igor: A hearing.

Reinhold: That's it! Once this hearing starts, there'll be no chance to ask for an explanation of the rules. Except for me, of course. I'm the guy in the wig!

02.01.057

Harvey: No questions - I understand what's happening! [Braces for the shock, then blinks when it doesn't happen]

02.01.058

Dur: You have to be in the Zone first, Colonel. [Swallows his bite] It sould use some salt... And a little less wood maybe.=

02.01.059

Charlie: [To Reinhold] I have a question! Could I have some time with my legal team to discuss our case, preferably after having a chance to review the Defense's arguments? We are quite unprepared, as I was under the impression that this would merely be an occasion to sign paperwork!

02.01.060

Dur: [Rolls his eyes] Never get in the way of Chuck and a paper that needs signin'!=

02.01.061

Igor: [To Dur] Yeah, I guess there is quite a bit of wood in there. Then again, it actually is a piece of wood.

Gaul: [Looks at Charlie with barely concealed disgust] Ignorance of the law is no defence for being unprepared. And failing to prepare is preparing to fail [turns to the reporters] and that's what Gaul Soodman is against! [Gives a cheesy smile] Started a brawl? Gotta call Gaul!

Reinhold: Norther! Norther! [Bangs the gavel] Let's get this show on the road!


;;; End of scene, next one coming right up

02.02.001

[Book VIII, Act II, Scene II. The Courtroom. ALICE, AUSTIN, CHARLIE, CLINT, DUR, HARVEY and MAC are here, sitting at the plaintiff table. HUNNIE has just stood up and bent over so GAUL can give her a spank.]

Gaul: I call Dr. Saura Lessinger!

[Enter DR. SAURA LESSINGER, a well dressed woman in her early sixties with a scarily big and bright smile, and takes a seat in the Zone of Truth.]

Gaul: Please state your name and occupation for the record.

Saura: Dr. Saura Lessinger. I have a PhD in Relationshipology, a Masters Degree in Condescensionification and Batchelors in Oral Hygiene.

Reinhold: Hey! I have a great idea! Rather than making the plaintives, or [waves at the party] whatever they are, wait until Mr. Soodman is finished before asking questions, I think they should be able to jump in any time and ask anything they want. [Bangs the gavel] Father! Father!


;;; Anyone can ask a question any time they want!

02.02.002

Austin : Why to humans produce tears when they are unhappy? What is their purpose?

02.02.003

Harvey: Ah, um, that is, yes. I do, in fact, have a question - a proper question, that cuts to the very core of the case at hand. [Pauses to make sure everyone's listening] When's lunch?

02.02.004

Clint: And what does it mean when your spouse shows up at a wedding with a stick figure/sex toy?

02.02.005

Charlie: Thank you, Mr. Scar! I think that is a MOST relevant question. [To Dr. Lessinger] Also, what does it tell you about a marriage when the husband murders his wife's father?!

02.02.005

Saura: [To Austin] I don't know. [To Clint] Either that he has left you or that he is trying to make you jealous. [Looks at Harvey and thinks for a few moments] Lunch time?

02.02.006

Harvey: [Perks up, beams broadly] Is it lunch time indeed? Well, let's get stuck in then! Come on, young Mac, let's put some meat on those bones of yours, eh?

02.02.006

Saura: That depends on the marriage, I suppose.

Gaul: Ob-jection! Your honour, these questions are so open ended the good Dr. Saura can't possibly be expected to answer them! Context, context, context!

Reinhold: [Nods] He's right. No more vague questions, guys. Keep them to the point.

02.02.007

Charlie: [To Reinhold] Fine. [To Saura, angrily] What does the fact that the Defendant [points at Pestilence] murdered my father tell you about MY marriage to the Defendant?! Surely even a quack like you would agree that it isn't a particularly good indicator of marital success and happiness?

02.02.007

Clint: If two husbands can cheat with two mistresses in two minutes, how many husbands does it take to cheat with twenty mistresses in ten minutes? [To Reinhold.] We need to test the credentials she's giving us!

02.02.008

Harvey: Specifics, eh? Very well. Are the cockroaches saut=E9ed or deep-fried?

02.02.008

Reinhold: [Nods at Clint's question] I'll allow it.

Saura: That depends on husbands and their control of ejaculation. [To Charlie] While I resent your tone, I can tell you that it could be an indicator of his protectiveness.

02.02.009

Dur: Sheesh! Sounds a little OVER protective if you ask me!

02.02.010

Charlie: [To Dur] Agreed! [To Saura, making finger quotes when she says Dr.] Dr. Lessinger, has my husband threatened or bribed you in order to get you to testify on his behalf?

02.02.011

Clint: Or was it his lawyer instead? I bet it was the lawyer!

02.02.012

Saura: No, he did not! [To Clint] Not him either!

Gaul: [Steps up] Your honour, we have established the framework that we will use to prove our case. Unless opposing counsel have any substantive questions, I suggest that they stop badgering the witness and that she be allowed to leave.

02.02.013

Harvey: What exactly *is* your case, Mr Soodman?

02.02.014

Gaul: Good question! Dr. Saura, can you tell us what are the critical components for a marriage? It would help if you could frame your answer in the form an irritating folksy sounding recipe.

Saura: I sure can! You take one part sexual fulfillment, one part emotional intimacy and one part love. Blend them together gently and bake at ever increasing temperatures.

Gaul: Sex, Intimacy and Love. Your honour, we will prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that this marriage that the plaintiff's counsel is inexplicably trying to dissolve has all of these components. We will prove that no divorce should be granted!

02.02.015

Dur: Objection your honor! Obviously Dr. Saura is working from an archaic recipe. Dr. Saura, wouldn't you say in modern marriages that TRUST is an imp= ortant ingredient as well?

02.02.015

Charlie: [Suddenly stands up] Your honor, I should like a brief recess while my legal team discusses our case, now that we have heard from the Defense.

02.02.016

Saura: Of course! I would include that in intimacy, for I mean *emotional* intimacy.

Reinhold: [To Charlie] Granted! [To Igor] I need to pee, anyway.

Igor: Is your cup full?

Reinhold: The lemonade cup? No, I drank it all.

Igor: Er, yes, the lemonade cup.

02.02.017

Dur: [Turning back to the party for the recess] I think we have your loophole chuck. Now all we need to do is prove that you can't trust Pestilence an= d we would ruin the prosecustion's case!

02.02.017

Charlie: Thank you, your honor! Might we have some privacy in the courtroom, so that we may discuss matters?

02.02.018

Charlie: [Uneasily, in a low voice] Yes, good thinking, Dur! [Casually] Though it would be handier if I could avoid having to say that in the Zone of Truth, of course.

02.02.019

Harvey: We could say that the very fact you want a divorce proves that the marriage fails to meet the criteria the defence has set. [Pause] I say, did we have lunch already? I'm starving!

02.02.020

Mac: You could just ask Pestilence why he doesn't want a divorce. That may answer some questions.

02.02.021

Igor: Out! Out! Everybody out!

Reinhold: [To the party] You can stay here, all the conference rooms are taken up with Gaul's wardrobe.

Gaul: Hey, if you can think of a better place to hide my clothes to stop that crazy hooker from burning them, then I'm willing to hear it.

Hunnie: Gaul! What gives?

Gaul: Not you, sweetie, a different crazy hooker.

[Exit ALL but the party.]

02.02.022

Charlie: [To the party, briskly] Right. I'm afraid there is no point whatsoever in our trying to disprove Pestilence's claims. Rather inconveniently, everything his so-called expert said about our marriage is perfectly true, and I will not be able to lie on the stand. So we will need to take a different approach in making our case against him. [Hopefully] Any suggestions?

02.02.023

Clint: Get used to being Mrs Sotot? That or hire yourself an expert who disagrees with your expert.

02.02.022

Harvey: I say, could we discredit the lawyer somehow? Bringing a hooker into a marital case could be seen as inappropriate, hmmm? Or maybe Mac's right - maybe Pestilence is up to something here, what?

02.02.023

Mac: But surely even if your marriage is perfect what grounds in the law does Pestilence have of stopping this divorce? Surely if you want a divorce he has no right to stop it?

02.02.023

Content-Type: text/plain; charset=us-ascii

Charlie: [Unhappily] Yes, I suppose we will want to get Pestilence on the stand as soon as possible to make sure he hasn't ulterior motives. And I quit= e agree, let us try and discredit the lawyer and any so-called experts! [Sighs] I just wish we had a--catchier defense. All that rhyming and the neat l= ist of three things to prove will be hard to beat! --Apple-Mail-1--1043512755 Content-Transfer-Encoding: 7bit

02.02.024

Harvey: Indeed, Mac, why indeed? [Sighs] Why indeed...? [To Charlie] Hmm, something involving morris dancing, perhaps?

02.02.025

Charlie: [To Harvey] I have no idea what you mean by that, Colonel, but Mac does raise a good point! [To Austin] CAN he prevent me from divorcing him, or just make it a longer, more painful process? Or do you know much about divorce law?

02.02.024

Austin : [Sighs, checks his nails briefly] Off the record, naturally, Mac has the correct idea. The fact that your marriage is perfect from one point of view does not change the fact that a divorce is also appropriate. In your case divorce is entirely appropriate simply based upon the fact that Pestilence murdered your father. Perfectly adequate grounds for divorce. [Ponders] Of course if you had hired a lawyer you would probably have been informed of this fact. When Pestilence is in the Zone of Truth, just ask him if he murdered your father. Case closed.

02.02.025

Charlie: [Frowns] Could it be as easy as that?! Well, we shall surely do just that, though I think we'd better have more ideas to fall back on, just in case. He's never denied that he killed Father, just that it ought to matter.

02.02.026

Alice: I think Aus is right. Pestilence can stop you from getting divorced if he can prove that the marriage is strong, but if we can show that Pestilence killing your Dad means that you can't trust him, or if we can prove that all the stuff Saura said doesn't hold, then you can get rid of him. [Sits back smugly] I've seen my fair share of Soup Operas, you know.

02.02.027

Alice: Of course, given that they're way more prepared than we are, we probably have to sit through their witnesses. [Face lights up] I think I just had a great idea! Maybe *we* should have a catchy defence with an expert?

02.02.027

Austin : [Ponders] Once more, off the record, naturally. Pestilence has already claimed that he murdered you father out of love, but what sane person would believe that to be a good way of gaining your spouse's affections? So your case for divorce is that Pestilence murdered your father, which is grounds for divorce, even if he claimed to have done it for love, in which case we have proof that he is insane, which is also adequate grounds for divorce. [To Charlie directly] The question is, do you really want a divorce? [Sighs] This is all off the record of course. It is illegal for a member of the bar to provide legal services without contract [Hands some papers to Charlie] Could you sign here, and here, and here , and lastly, here? [Shows Charlie through some papers] Then I shall be able to represent you.

02.02.028

Alice: No need, Aus. The judge already said we're all representing her, and I think my idea of having our own expert is just neato.


;;; She's referring to post 02.01.045

02.02.029

Harvey: Of course it is, my dear, but where to find an expert, what?

02.02.030

Alice: I'm *awfully* glad you asked that question. [Reaches behind her and takes out a stack of "Teen Queen" magazines, all of which are the latest issue] I refer you to Dr. Polly Problem, Relationship Expert. [Barely able to contain her smugness] There's a letter in there about a perfect relationship that you all might want to see.

02.02.031

Austin : [Frown, put out. Puts the contract away] Well I cannot provide you with legal advice without a contract, I can merely ensure that the correct proceedings and procedures are observed. [Looks briefly at the Teen Queen magazines. To Alice] Unfortunately, that might just work. The prole worships that sort of trash.

02.02.032

Harvey: Now, now Aus, that's no way to speak to a virtuous lady such as Alice. Just because we couldn't use your pieces of paper doesn't mean we can't use Alice's, what? [To the Party, picking up one of the magazines, looking at it uncertainly] Now let's take a look at this... erm, research material, shall we, hmmm?

02.02.033

Alice: Thanks Aus -- no one knows trashy proles like I do! [To the party] I direct you to the letter on page 37, the title is "Our love is just great". Now, they spelled my name wrong, they put it in as Al "Ice" Bassett Short, but it is me.

[The letter is full of nauseating gushing about how great their relationship is.]


;;; Resend because I missed a bracket in the subject line!

02.02.034

Charlie: [Reads the letter skeptically] Er, very nice. But how does this help make my case for divorce, exactly?

02.02.035

Austin : It is a rather odd form of defense that has been sucessfully deployed in several recent cases. The idea is that one generally makes a large number of publicly motivating speechs, pleas etc, about any subject vaguely related to the case at hand, for example Alice's Teen Queen article, and one eventually gains so much public approval and support that it becomes ovbious that the courts have no choice but to find in your favour. [Looks distastefully at the Teen Queen magazine] However, off the record, I do not recommend this form of case. We have niether the time, finances nor public standing to sucessfully support such an approach.

02.02.036

Harvey: Well, hmmph, what is the plan then, eh? Shall we put him in the Zone of Truth and follow Mac's plan to ask him why he wants to prevent the divorce, what?

02.02.037

Alice: That's right. We'll tell them about Teen Queen, and then get Pesty in the Zone of Truth. That way we establish our case, and force him to tell the truth.

02.02.038

Charlie: Agreed, let us proceed with that plan. [Sheepishly] I do apologize for this nonsense. Shall we get it over with, then?

02.02.039

Harvey: Very well. [To Igor] I believe we are ready to begin presenting our case.

02.02.040


;;; Don't forget, Igor is outside, it's just the party in here at the moment

Alice: Hey! I've had an idea that's so brilliant it should be polished and put behind glass so that people can queue up to admire it. Why don't we sneak Winston into the Zone of Truth and ask him who his master is and where their hide out is?

02.02.041

Harvey: I say, a fine plan, young lady! Where is he - is he still in the carriage?

02.02.042

Charlie: [Impressed and clearly surprised] That is rather a good plan, Alice! Let's go get him at once.

02.02.043

Austin : Indeed, he may be involved in the case and have critical evidence.

02.02.044

Alice: Yep, he's in the carriage, bound with the finest of silken ropes.

[The party hurry out to the carriage, and quickly sneak WINSTON back in. Before long, he is in the Zone of Truth, still bound, but not gagged.]

Winston: What the hell are you doing? Putting me on trial?

02.02.045

Austin : [To Winston] Who are you working for?

02.02.045

Dur: Ummm. Yes! With all the crimes you have committed the past few days, how long do you think they'll put you away for?=

02.02.046

Winston: I already told you, I'm not going to answer any questions.

[Bzzzt! WINSTON gets a shock.]

Winston: Ow! What the? What the hell was that?

02.02.047

Harvey: It's called the zone of truth, man! Apparently you just told a lie, what?

02.02.047

Austin : [To Winston, emphasis] Who are you working for? [To the others, quietly] This is most unethical. I shall have to deliver a complaint. This device clearly has no place in a court of law.

02.02.048

Winston: I didn't tell a lie! I'm not going to answer your questions!

Alice: I think the light flashes if he tells a lie, and he gets a shock if he refuses to answer. [Waves a warning finger at Winston] And the shocks get stronger!

02.02.049

Alice: I know! Imagine what would happen to our system of laws if everyone who had sworn to tell the truth and nothing but the truth had to tell the truth!

Winston: So a light goes off if I lie, but I get a shock if I don't answer? Hm. Okay, in that case, I work for [nods at Austin] you, the biggest idiot in the world, Dopey McDoperson, who smells like he's just done a big jobbie in his pants. [Coughs up a disgusting glob of phlegm and spits it at Austin, striking him in the chest]

[Ding! The bell rings and the light comes on.]

Alice: [To the party, whispering] I think that's a lie!

02.02.050

Harvey: By the saints, what an unpleasant man! [To Winston] One way, hmm, to look at it, um, might be that the light tells *us* that you're lying, and then we, hmmm, feed you to Dur, [Quietly, to Austin] How are we doing in the ethical department, my good man? [Stomach rumbles] Hmm, all this talk of food is making me hungry!

02.02.050

Austin : [Disgusted, stands out of spitting distance and carefully cleans his shirt with all manner of cleaning utensils. Dryly and anoyed] Thanks for telling him how it works Alice. How are we supposed to get the truth from him now?

02.02.051

Winston: Not only that, I've seen you eating discarded toe nails that have been standing in cow dung, and thinking that it's the nicest food you've ever eaten. [Smiles smugly]

[Ding! The bell goes and the light goes on.]

Winston: I could do this all--

[Bzzzzt! He gets another shock, about the same severity as the last one.]

02.02.052

Charlie: [Delighted] Oooh, it doesn't like lies, either! I guess you get one chance to tell the truth, and that's all! [To Winston] For whom do you work?!

02.02.053

[WINSTON says nothing. Bzzzt! He gets another shock, worse than before.]

Winston: [Panting] I know you won't let this kill me, Alice. You can't.

Alice: I think we need to discuss this in private.

[The party form a huddle.]

Alice: What are we going to do? If this keeps going, it'll kill him. Are we really going to do that? [Looks very doubtful]

02.02.054

Charlie: Of course not, we couldn't do that! I wonder if we tried another question? Though he doesn't seem particularly willing to talk about much of anything. . . .

02.02.053

Austin : [To Charlie, still cleaning what now appears to be a perfectly clean shirt] Perhaps you could wire up the light socket and the bell power to his feet. That way if he lies or refuses to answer then he'll get a shock.

02.02.055

Harvey: Maybe there's a way to turn the power down a little, what?

02.02.056

Alice: I don't think we can change the way it works. [Frowns] I think we're stuck. What the hell are we going to do with him? Damn our niceness!

02.02.057

Charlie: [Sighs] Tie him back up and back into the carriage, I suppose! [To Winston] See, now don't you feel guilty about the awful ways you tried to kill our friends, when we are actually quite decent and humane?!

02.02.058

Dur: [Puts on his most charming face ever, which is quite disturbing] Come on Winsty. Work with us here and we can protect you and help you out of thi= s mess. [Dur tries to cast Enthrall: http://dungeons.wikia.com/wiki/SRD:Enthrall] =

02.02.059

Winston: [To Charlie] I don't care. [To Dur] No one can protect me. The Master doesn't tolerate failure. [Shouts] I work for Alice.

[Bzzt! WINSTON gets a shock, considerably worse than the last one.]

Winston: I work for Alice!

[Bzzt! An even stronger shock, and blood comes out of his eyes and ears, and smoke come from his hair.]

Alice: Make him stop!

Winston: I work for Alice!

[Bzzt! Even stronger again, causing him to collapse face down.]

02.02.060

Mac: [Rushes over to Winston and drags him out of the zone of truth] Help me!

02.02.060

Charlie: [Horrified] Oh, dear! [Tries to unhook Winston from the

02.02.061

Harvey: [Moves to help Mac and Charlie] Well, he's loyal, I'll give him that much.

02.02.062

Dur: [Puts his head to Winston's chest to check for a heartbeat, if he is alive he will try to cast Cure Serious Wounds: http://dungeons.wikia.com/wik= i/SRD:Cure_Serious_Wounds] Perhaps in death he will be more willing to cooperate...=

02.02.063

[Alas, WINSTON is no more. There's a knock on the door to the courtoom, and IGOR's voice calls out.]

Igor: I'm about to bring everyone in. If you're talking about anything confidential, or have some papers you don't want them to see, you'd better put them away now.

02.02.064

Charlie: [To Igor, shakily] Ah, just another minute, please! [To the party, in a frantic whisper] We'll all be jailed again! We must hide the body at once! [Looks around the room for a place to stash the body]

02.02.064

Dur: Quick! Stash the corpse, I will get answers out of him later!

02.02.065

Alice: [Nods at Charlie's words] Yes, we're just, uh, going to the toilet!

[There is a serious lack of hiding places, although behind the judge's stand looks like it could work as there is plenty of space there.]

02.02.066

Charlie: [Considers the judge's stand skeptically] This surely isn't a good idea, but--let's put him here, group! [Tries to shove the body into the judge's stand]

02.02.067

[The party heft WINSTON's body over, and it fits in surprisingly well.]

Alice: So, as long as the judge doesn't look down, we'll be fine. [Sighs] Well, either that or we have to hope he's a total idiot who won't notice.

[Enter REINHOLD JUDGE, completely naked. He stops when he sees the party and looks startled.]

Reinhold: Hey! What are you doing in the shower?

02.02.068

Clint: [Eyes tightly closed.] I think a better question is, what is a shower doing here!

02.02.069

Reinhold: [Looks around] Huh! I guess I got the wrong room! I'll be back in a sec.

[Exit REINHOLD.]

Alice: I think we'll be fine!


;;; End of scene, next one coming up on MONDAY!

02.02.069

Charlie: [Watching Reinhold, relieved. To the party, in a low voice] I think we're going to be just fine! [In a normal voice] Right, group, let's take our places and put and end to this farce as quickly as possible!

02.02.070

[The party form a human pyramid in front of the judge's seat.]

Alice: Hey! These aren't our places at all!

[The party retake their original seats, just as the judge, now wearing long robe, and the rest of the people from earlier return.]

Alice: [To the party] So, we're going to get Pesty into the Zone of Truth right away, right?

02.02.071

Mac: If we can. Do we get to call the witness or does the defence?

02.02.072

Harvey: In war, young Mac, we should always hold the initiative. We should attack! And then we should have lunch, what?

02.02.072

Austin : Both can call to witness, I hope.

02.02.073

Charlie: Who knows what the rules are in this farce?! I say we try anything we think of and let this so-called Judge overrule if he has the wit to do so! [Jumps to her feet. With finger quotes on the Your Honor part] Your Honor, we call the Defendant, Pestilence Sotot, to the stand! [To Pestilence] Darling, do take your place in the Zone of Truth at once.

02.02.074

Gaul: I object! There is a schedule of witnesses that we need to go through first, your honour. A veritable parade of damning evidence that will prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that this marriage is as solid as my own reputation.

02.02.075

Harvey: Which is as solid as... as... as something that's not very solid, what?!? [Looks smug]

02.02.077

Alice: [Impressed with Harvey's wit] Zing!

Gaul: Your honour, on what grounds do they want my client called out of turn?

Reinhold: Uh, on the court grounds, I suppose. You know, seeing as how we're all here and all.

Gaul: No, I meant why do they want him called out of turn? Why? [Falls to his knees and shakes a fist in the air] WHY!?

02.02.078

Mac: Your honour, the defence failed to inform us of these proceedings and as such we have had no chance at all to submit any sort of list of witnesses. As such allowing the defence to have a list of witnesses would be unfair to Ms. Parker-Kensington. In the interest of a fair trial I call for the list to be thrown out and call for Mr. Sotot to appear in the zone of truth immediately.

02.02.079

Charlie: [Flushed, pointing at Mac triumphantly] Yes! What he said! [To Pestilence, gesturing to the Zone] Well, darling?

02.02.080

Reinhold: Wow! That sounded really impressive. [To Igor] What do you think?

Igor: I think that due process needs to be observed and that they should wait until Reverend Sotot is due to be called.

Gaul: Thank the Lord for our fine justice system. Now, I would like to--

Pestilence: [Stands up and gives the party a smug look] I'll take the stand.

[Pandemonium ensues, with reporters dashing to telephones, people shouting "Rhubarb! Rhurbab!" and HUNNIE fainting.]


;;; End of scene, next one coming up in about 40 mins, but it's

;;; okay to post replies to this if you're hanging around!

02.02.081

Harvey: [Aside, to the party] What do you think he has up his sleeve now?

02.02.082

Austin : Amature dramatics and theatrics, to woo his beloved, no doubt.

02.02.083

Harvey: [Nods sagely, then looks at Austin] Er, and who might that be?


;;; Out for ~1 hour

02.02.084

Alice: We think it might be Charlie!


;;; Really the end of scene now!

02.03.001

[Book VIII, Act II, Scene III. The Courtroom. ALICE, AUSTIN, CHARLIE, CLINT, DUR, HARVEY and MAC are here. PESTILENCE has just taken the stand.]

Igor: [To Pestilence] Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth?

Pestilence: Sure, I'll swear to that.

02.03.002

Charlie: [To the party] Please ask him anything you like. We must establish what's really happening here, once and for all.

02.03.003

Alice: [Stands up and paces the court] I have a question for the witness. [Pauses, and goes back to the others] Hang on a sec, I need to put on my glasses to make me look more serious. [Reaches into her bag and gets some glasses, which she puts on, before turning back to Pestilence] Are you *really* a reverend?

Pestilence: I sure am!

02.03.004

Austin : [To Pestilence] Why did you murder Rudyard Parker-Kensington, your wife's father?

02.03.005

Pestilence: [Nonchalantly] Because of the way he spoke to her at Nanna Willa's birthday party.

[Everyone looks to the alarm light, but it stays off.]

02.03.006

Harvey: And why do you want to prevent Charlie from filing a divorce?

02.03.006

Dur: Did you think your wife would appreciate the sentiment, or did you know it was wrong when you committed the act?=

02.03.006

Austin : [To Pestilence] So you murdered Rudyard Parker-Kensington, because he spoke to Charlie Parker-Kensington in a manner that you did not like. Do you think that murdering Rudyard Parker-Kensington was a suitable and appropriate response to this disagreeable communication between Rudyard Parker-Kensington, and your wife?

02.03.007

Pestilence: [Pointing to each of Dur, Harvey and Austin as he answers them] Wasn't thinking that far ahead because of my blind rage, [to Harvey] because I love her and to be with her, [to Austin] not since she stabbed me through the heart, no.

[Once again, the light stays off and no alarms buzz.]

Gaul: Your honour! I must protest! They have already asked too many questions!

02.03.008

Charlie: [To Pestilence] So, for the record, you had no ulterior motive when you asked me to marry you?

02.03.008

Austin : Your honour! That is preposterous! There is no rule against asking as many questions as we feel are necessary! [Straightens his cuff. To Pestilence] So in what way, if any, did you think that you would maintain your wife's love and trust, by murdering her father?

02.03.009

Gaul: [Leans in to Austin] He shouldn't even BE on the stand! He is up there as a courtesy to you, and now you abuse it? [Turns to Reinhold] Your honour, pardon me while I puke, such is the disgust I have at the behaviour of the plaintives. [To Hunnie] Get my bucket.

[HUNNIE produces a bucket that GAUL pukes into.]

Pestilence: [Unperturbed by the questions] I wasn't thinking. I was protecting.

Reinhold: [Slightly disgusted at the puking] Uh, okay, you better step down now. [To the party] Gaul is right, the Reverend shouldn't even be on the stand until another few witnesses. You'll get a chance to question him again soon.

[PESTILENCE goes to step down, but makes a point of staying in the Zone of Truth for a moment longer.]

Pestilence: [Looking directly at Charlie] I married you because I was and still am in love with you.

All: [Except the party] Awwww!

[PESTILENCE steps down.]

Alice: [To the party, quietly] What do you think? He seems to be on the up and up?