[Book VIII, Act I, Scene I. The Tryiton Hotel in Queens View. ALICE and DEUCE are here, having just arrived into the hotel foyer. DEUCE is looking a little rough. Standing behind the reception is GUY DE CHASTEN. He looks at the two with barely concealed contempt.]

Alice: [Looks at his name tag] Hi there, guy!

Guy: It's not guy, it's [French pronounciation] Guy.

Alice: That's a funny name. Isn't that a funny name, Deucie? I've never heard a name like that, have you, Deuce?

Deuce: [Sigh] Sure, it's a funny name.

Alice: We're here for the wedding.

Guy: That's what I was afraid of.

;;; Please note that Colin is off the list


[Enter CLINT]

Clint: [Walks up to the desk, in dire need of a shave and a bath.] Hi guys. Spare some change?

;;; Now he really IS poor Clint. I suspect he's only at this wedding

;;; because, you know, weddings = free food!



Charlie: [Briskly approaches the desk, neatly dressed but looking rather drawn. Cheerily] Hello, Mr. Scar! I'm afraid I must save my coppers these days, as well! [To Alice and Deuce] How lovely to see you both! I've got presents for everyone. Look! [Hands the three of them little packages]

;;; Also, open bar! BTW the gifts are little photo books

;;; of Wilhelmina, who suddenly appears to be a child of

;;; at least two years old, despite the fact that the last

;;; pictures showed her to be an infant.


Clint: Perfect! Now I don't have to put this [pulls a card out of his pocket] on someone else's wedding present! Oh, and hi, Sarge.

;;; Too right.


Charlie: No, no, no! This is YOUR present, from Pes--I mean from me. [Tears open his present and show him the little book] Look, it's a flip book of Wilhelmina's first steps! [Illustrates the exciting flip-book action for Clint] 01.01.006

Clint: Gah! I mean, wow, how enchanting! [Pauses.] She sure is growing fast! What are you feeding that kid, anyway? [Tucks the card back into his pocket, prepared to go back to plan A.]

;;; Gah!

MIME-Version: 1.0 Sender: conor.r@gmail.com


Alice: [To Clint] It's not guys, it's [en Fracais] guys.

Deuce: [Slapping Charlie's ass] Hey there, Puddin' Pop. That ankle biter is huge! 01.01.008

Charlie: [Admires Wilhelmina, beaming] Yes, she really is thriving, isn't she? [To Clint] Oh, you know, we feed her the normal things you'd feed a half-demon toddler, you know, mushed-up carrots, mushed-up peas, ground-up spiders and such. 01.01.009

[Enter MAC]

Mac: [Walking up to the group] Excellent, I'm not the first. I hate being the first one to these kind of things. You never know who to talk to. 01.01.010

Charlie: How wonderful to see you, Mac! Here, I brought you a little something [hands Mac his Wilhelmina flip-book] . [Surveys the group] How are all of you? [Looks at Clint and Deuce] I must say, the two of you aren't quite looking well. Is everything all right? 01.01.010

Clint: Starting with the bartender's always good! [To Charlie.] No virgin's blood or anything like that?


Dur: [Quietly to Mac] Better to not explore that option, Mac. I hear only Demon's could handle Charlie or any other member of her family!= 01.01.011

Charlie: Heavens no! Who can find a virgin these days, after all that Bliss?! MIME-Version: 1.0 Sender: conor.r@gmail.com


Deuce: [Hands Charlie a card] These people might be able to sort you out. I'll get us checked in, I understand that there's a suite booked for us. [Turns to Guy]

[Remember, the last time the party saw DEUCE, he had been knocked out and tied up.]

Alice: [Lowly to the party] So, I think we got away with knocking him out and tying him up. I pretended it's our new style of foreplay, he just loves it!

;;; Out for 30 mins


Jerrick: [Enters, swaying slightly] Ah, excellent, a bar! Oh, and you guys. 01.01.013

Mac: Thank you Charlie, it's simply adorable. [Flicks through the book] My isn't she growing fast? 01.01.013

Austin : [Enters, wearing a suit that was at one time very very expensive, but is now looking worn, though still very smart] Greetings everyone. [Hands his coat to Guy. In french] Merci, Guy. MIME-Version: 1.0 Sender: conor.r@gmail.com


Alice: No, Mac, she's getting smaller! [Flicks through the book backwards] See? 01.01.015

Mac: [Takes hold of Alice's hands and flicks the book through the rights way for her. Awaits the expected response.] MIME-Version: 1.0 Sender: conor.r@gmail.com


Alice: That's way less funny, Mac. In mine she ends up falling on her backside! 01.01.016

Clint: Right. Let's get this wedding over with so we can go to the open bar and get a free meal! And pick up bride's maids, of course.


Charlie: [To Clint, with a big smile] I am SO looking forward to a celebration. I fully intend to indulge in a [huge emphasis] SECOND glass of wine tonight, rather than making my usual one glass stretch throughout the evening. [Frets] Though, I do hope I shall not become intoxicated! 01.01.018

Jerrick: Wait, can't we do the fun bit first, and maybe skip the boring bit? MIME-Version: 1.0 Sender: conor.r@gmail.com


Alice: This IS the fun bit, Jerrick! Beautiful dresses, unicorn ice sculptures, cheesy wedding singers, [tears up a little] pigeons that have been painted white being released. Deucie and I were talking about this all the time on the way here. It was great, wasn't it, Deucie?

Deuce: Yeah. Tell them about your wedding plans.

Alice: [Takes out a huge folder, about four inches thick] This is part one! 01.01.020

Charlie: [Raises an eyebrow and looks at Deuce] Wedding? Are congratulations in order? MIME-Version: 1.0 Sender: conor.r@gmail.com


Deuce: [Quickly and loudly] No! [Calms down] I mean, why don't you finish this, Pixie Styx?

Alice: Sure thing, Deucie!

Deuce: [To the party] Yeah, there are no congratulations in order. She apparently always had that. [Sighs] So, Alice sure does talk a lot, doesn't she? And she's got this crazy new method of foreplay that involves smashing a vase over my head. It doesn't make me feel horny, it just gives me a headache, and then add the fact that she never - stops - talking!

;;; Gone for 40 mins!


Clint: [Aside, to Deuce.] Run, Deuce! Run like the wind!


Charlie: [Sensibly] Well, if you don't enjoy getting knocked on the head with a vase, why not tell her? No doubt she senses that your affections have cooled and she is trying to [finger quotes] spice things up, so to speak. 01.01.023

Jerrick: Or you could try some role reversal. It'll solve several problems at once - you no longer have a headache and Alice will be quieter! 01.01.024

Charlie: [Nods approvingly] Excellent advice, Mr. Adaar! Oh, and--here, I brought a little keepsake for you [hands Jerrick his Wilhelmina flip book with obvious pride] . 01.01.025

Jerrick: [Opens his gift] Aagh! What in all the hells is that unholy demon creature!?! [Pauses] Er, I mean "awww, isn't she cute?" 01.01.025

Austin : [To Deuce] Perhaps you could ask Alice, nicely, to stop hitting you over the head with vases? We all make mistakes, sometimes. Even me. Why not suggest an oil massage as an alternative foreplay? 01.01.026

Charlie: [Swats at Jerrick] Oh, do be serious! She's perfectly precious and you know it! MIME-Version: 1.0 Sender: conor.r@gmail.com


Deuce: [Nods at Jerrick's words] I like the cut of your gib, young man.

Alice: [Coming back from the reception] What are you guys talking about? [Perkily] Weddings? 01.01.028

Jerrick: [To Alice] Sure, why not? Which reminds me - I have to give you my gift! I'll get you a drink from the bar. [Pauses, worried] Er, it *is* a free bar, right? MIME-Version: 1.0 Sender: conor.r@gmail.com


[Enter SVEN GORING, a huge, six foot four fighter.]

Sven: Haw! I might have known this bunch of reprobates would already be looking for the bar!

Alice: Sven!

;;; Sven is an old friend of the party, and is probably the

;;; one NPC that everyone gets on well with. Each of

;;; Alice, Clint and Austin have worked with him

;;; Out again -- external examiners on site!


Mac: [Deadpan] No, unfortunately in this difficult time the bride and groom couldn't afford it so we all decided that we'd be paying double so that for every drink we have they get a drink free.

;;; Sorry guys, seems this morning has been very hectic. Away for the

;;; next hour or two. I'll post when I can.


Charlie: [To Sven, holding out her hand] Hello, Mr. Goring! I'm Dr. Charlotte Parker-Kensington. We've never met, but I have heard and read a lot about you. What a pleasure it is to finally meet you. 01.01.031

Austin : [Sad] Hi Sven. MIME-Version: 1.0 Sender: conor.r@gmail.com


Sven: [Grabs Charlie and hugs her] The Dr. Charlotte P-K? Wow! This is my lucky day! I loved your paper from 18th Annual Taxonomies and Controlled Vocabularies Conference, that was class! [Gives Austin a friendly punch on the shoulder] What gives, Aus? [To Jerrick] Looks like you and me got some drinking to do, friend! The name's Goring, Sven Goring. Goring by name, goring by nature! [Looks at Mac] And who's this wild man? 01.01.033

Mac: Hi Sven, I'm Mac [Proffers his hand to Sven] . It's a pleasure to meet you. 01.01.034

Jerrick: [To Sven] Now that sounds like a plan! I did suggest we skip the tedious marriage bit but they weren't going for it. 01.01.034

Austin : [To Sven, and the party, all sad] What gives is that no one will talk to me anymore because I made a big mistake and I am very very sorry. [Sighs. Lights a cigarette, sits down on a chair in the corner] MIME-Version: 1.0 Sender: conor.r@gmail.com


Sven: [Shakes Mac's hand vigorously] Good to meet you, Mac. Be careful of these guys, they're very strange. [To Jerrick] I have two words for you, my friend. Hip. Flask.

;;; Gone for 1.5 hours!


Charlie: [To Sven, flattered] Why, thank you! I could get you a copy of my paper, if you like? [In a lower voice] But there is no need to encourage Mr. Adaar to drink more than he already does. He is rather too well acquainted with the notion of a hip flask as it is! 01.01.036

Jerrick: [Winks at Sven] Well, I did bring some essential survival supplies 01.01.036

Austin : [To Sven, chirpily] You may want to save the hip flask for later old friend, there is a free bar! [Wiggles his eye brows]

;;; Hi folks, sorry about the drama last week, poor

;;; Aus was confused!

Return-Path: <conor.r@gmail.com>


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Sven: [puts his arms around Austin and Jerrick] Two even better words!

;;; really gone now


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Jerrick: Yeah, though some people [Looking pointedly at Mac] like to joke about not only having to pay at the bar, but having to pay double! 01.01.039

Mac: [Raises eyebrow] You think I was joking? Just wait till you get in there and see. [To Austin] No problems, you did what you thought was right and stuck by it. I can respect that. 01.01.040

Dur: What about free food? Oh tell me there is going to be free food!


Austin : [Offers round his cigarettes] Cigarette anyone? They may smell a little cheesy, but it's just this new brand you see. 01.01.041

Charlie: [To Dur] Oh, indeed! It's going to be a wonderful event. And we've certainly earned a relaxing weekend, after all we've been through. [Hands Dur his Wilhelmina flip-book] Here, something to enjoy while you wait to be fed!

;;; Yay!


Dur: [Looks dubiously at the flip book before taking a big bite out of it] It could use some salt! 01.01.043

Austin : [Chuckles. To Dur] Perhaps a little ketchup too? 01.01.044

Dur: [Scoffs] Oh now, that is just absurd!


Charlie: [Frowns at Dur] You aren't supposed to eat it. It's a keepsake to treasure and add to your collection! [Hands a flip book to Austin] And there's one for you, as well, Mr. Sleaze. [To Sven] I'm terribly sorry I didn't bring extras, or I should be most happy to give you one, as well. 01.01.045

Jerrick: [Hopefully] Sven can have mine if he likes. 01.01.046

Austin : [Flips through his book] Or mine if he prefers [Hands his book to Sven] Have a look. 01.01.047

Mac: I'm surprised you're all so eager to give away such prized gifts! 01.01.048

Charlie: [Smiles at Mac] Thank you, Mac! [Giving Austin and Jerrick a dirty look] Had I realized possessing and viewing photos of my daughter would be such an unendurable burden for our colleagues, I certainly would not have bothered bringing gifts for them. 01.01.049

Jerrick: Hey, we're all just caught up with the spirit of generosity, the happiness of the wedding and all that nonsense. Right, Aus? MIME-Version: 1.0 Sender: conor.r@gmail.com


Sven: [Takes Jerrick's book] Wow! Great! [Looks through it carefully, clearly taking his time] Brilliant! I love it! [Looks Dur up and down] Haw! I like this guy's appetite!

[Enter PETER DEADPAN and WENDY HOOK. PETER is the most sarcastic man in the Realms, while WENDY, his wife, is AUSTIN's half sister. Each of ALICE, CLINT and AUSTIN have interacted with them.]

Sven: Yay! It's Peter! Come on over, Petey, you too, Wendy.

Peter: [Looks at the party in disgust] I see the cleaners are here.

;;; The karaoke will just be background noise, especially

;;; for the NPCs, but should give some nice atmosphere.

;;; When your character is singing, they can't otherwise

;;; post, of course, so we'll keep them short, but will

;;; roleplay people's reactions.


Charlie: [Watching Snyder and Patience, thrilled] What fun! We'll all have to take a turn, but we really must go say hello to Darius and his bride first! [Points toward Darius]

;;; That's my three!


Clint: No. Uh uh. No way. You are not getting me up there singing karaoke.

;;; Wow, we haven't seen those two since before I left Ireland! And off to

;;; bed. Paper went out laaaate yesterday, so go me!


Jerrick: Don't worry Clint, I've got my earplugs 01.03.014

Charlie: [To Clint and Jerrick] Where is your sense of fun?! We're going to have a splendid time, just wait and see! [Claps to encourage Snyder and Patience] 01.03.015

Jerrick: [Holds up his flask] Oh, don't worry, Charlie - I fully intend to have a "splendid" time. MIME-Version: 1.0 Sender: conor.r@gmail.com


Alice: Leave them alone, Charlie, not everyone can be as talented as me and Deucie!

[The song finishes, and SVEN takes to the stage and immediately starts singing "Sweet Caroline". Meanwhile, the party approach where BRUNI and DARIUS are. He gives a big smile when he sees them.]

Darius: That's them, Buttercup!

Bruni: [Face lights up when she sees the party] Yay! [Starts hugging each of them] Darius just loves you guys so much! I'm really, really glad you could all make it. [Pause] Even Clint. [Laughs] Ha! I'm just joshing!

;;; Gertrude is Charlie's grandmother, and was by far

;;; the most fun of all her family. She is an ex-watcher.


Charlie: [Awkwardly places a huge tray of slammers and beer on the table] There, drink up, everyone! [Takes one of the drinks and sips at it gingerly, wrinkling her nose in distaste with each sip. To Austin, unhappily] You heard what he sang for her. That used to be OUR song. Any fool can see that he's mad about HER now. MIME-Version: 1.0 Sender: conor.r@gmail.com


Gertrude: [To Charlie] Oh dear, demon trouble? 01.03.076

Austin : [To Gertrude, standing up to greet her.] Why, what a plesant suprise! The party just became a whole lot more fun. [Smiles] MIME-Version: 1.0 Sender: conor.r@gmail.com


[DUR finishes, and CLINT rushes up onto the stage, where he starts to sing "The Cowboy Wedding Song", as sung by Clint Eastwood. It is very, very bad.]
MIME-Version: 1.0 Sender: conor.r@gmail.com


Gertrude: [Gives Austin a mischievous look and playfully wags a finger at him] I hope you don't have any ideas, young Austin, I'm not some sex starved lonely bridesmaid who can be tempted into bed with just one shot. [Knocks back two shots in quick succession] I'm totally different to that! 01.03.079

Charlie: [To Gertrude, surprised] Grandmother, I had no idea you'd be here! How wonderful! You must know Bruni? 01.03.079

Jerrick: Give her another shot Aus, and you could be in! 01.03.079

Mac: [Not realising what's in it Mac takes a big swig from the pint glass before gasping for air. To Gertrude in a wheezy, throat burned by alcohol voice] Gertrude! How pleasant to see you again. [Mouthing to Charlie and pointing down vigorously at the glass] What's in this stuff?! 01.03.080

Jerrick: [To Charlie] I think he likes it! He wants the recipe. 01.03.080

Austin : [Sips his beer. To Mac] A little of everything I believe. Try some beer to start with, the night is yet young. [To Gertrude] There is a little spot of demon trouble, of two wives, one demon sort. [Chuckles] 01.03.081

Charlie: [To Mac, nodding sympathetically] Horrid, isn't it? One can only hope that with intoxication comes a dulling of the senses! [To Gertrude] Pestilence was here briefly, but he's gone now. [Glowers at Phoebe] Sadly, he left his trollop behind. 01.03.082

Dur: Trollops? [Looks around] Do they taste anything like scallops? [Licks his lips] = MIME-Version: 1.0 Sender: conor.r@gmail.com


Phoebe: [Sucks in her cheeks and does another little pose] Why don't you take a taste and see?

Gertrude: I'm sorry to hear that Charlie, but you know, there have been a few warning signs about him. [Brightly] However, let's enjoy ourselves. I haven't met Bruni yet, but Darius and I go way back. [Suddenly seems distracted] Who's that?

[GERTRUDE seems to be referring to IVAN MARSTERS, a Knight that the party dealt with previously. He has just come in with two scantily dressed, barely legal girls, LOLLI POPP and CHERRIE PYE. He spots GERTRUDE looking at him and gives her a nod, before leaping onto the stage just as CLINT finishes. Almost instantly, he starts singing "White Wedding", by Billy Idol.]

Alice: Oh, that's Ivan. We haven't seen him in years -- not since he killed that ice cream man.

;;; Posey and Anthony are a brother and sister team that the

;;; party have dealt with in the past.


Jerrick: [Finishes his drink] Hmmm, time for another round of drinks! [Stands, sways a little, then heads carefully towards the bar] 01.03.133

Charlie: [Dramatically] We must find the man in the yellow tie! He's wearing a yellow tie and carrying a cheap badly wrapped toaster! [Pulls Mac by the arm toward the gift table in search of the man with the yellow tie]

;;; EW!


Austin : [Putting some finishing touches to his notes] So she conspired with Pestilence to murder your father, then used her position of Pestilence's guest to come here, harass you, and steal from you, persisted in singin so badly that it caused damage to our hearing and left some requireing counciling [Glances at Charlie] and detox clinic. I think we have a fairly solid case. MIME-Version: 1.0 Sender: conor.r@gmail.com


[POSEY and ANTHONY stare at each other adoringly, singing in unison.]

Posey: Islands in the stream, that is what we are. No one in between.

Parker: How can we be wrong?

Alice: [Following Charlie] About time!

[Enter WINSTON WINSOME, the porter who helped the party to their room. He steps in front of MAC, CHARLIE and ALICE, but gives a smile.]

Winston: I hope there's [starts to speak up to be heard over the booing] I hope there's no problem? 01.03.135

Charlie: [In a stage whisper] He's wearing a yellow tie! [To Winston] You destroyed my marriage! I mean--stole our toaster! 01.03.136

Austin : [To Winston] Winston, did you by any chance move our wedding gift? It's current where abouts is causing some concern. MIME-Version: 1.0 Sender: conor.r@gmail.com


Alice: That's not him!

Winston: [To Austin] No sir, I did not. Perhaps you'd like to accompany me to the reception and we can discuss the matter there? 01.03.138

Mac: [To Winston, swaying] No sir, I do not want to go to the reception. I was to find the person or persons who stole my gift! [Turns to the party, giggling] I sounded rather professional didn't I? 01.03.138

Austin : [To Winston] No thank you. That is all that I wanted to know. 01.03.139

Jerrick: [Returns to the table with the drinks, then grabs his and joins the party, still swaying] So did we get the guy with the toaster for wearing a yellow tie? 01.03.140

Mac: Not yet. [Looks around the blurry room for a man with a yellow tie] 01.03.141

Dur: Well, which way did he go?MIME-Version: 1.0 Sender: conor.r@gmail.com


Alice: [To Mac] You'd sound more professional if your fly wasn't open -- and if you'd remembered to wear underpants! [To Dur] I don't know, I was too busy trying to get you lot to pay attention. Come on, let's check out the presents.

Winston: [Still smiling] Are you sure? Sure you don't want to go to reception? [To Austin] I think it might be for the best, especially if you're unhappy about anything. 01.03.143

Charlie: [To Winston] We're quite all right, thank you! Carry on! [Heads to the gift table] 01.03.143

Austin : [Laughs] I am quite happy thank you Winston. But, pray tell, what is so interesting about the reception. You seem unusually keen to take us there? MIME-Version: 1.0 Sender: conor.r@gmail.com


Winston: Not at all, sir. I just wanted to make sure everything was okay. Perhaps the ladies might like to go to the reception?

[PETER DEADPAN takes to the stage.]

Peter: [With disdain] I'm sure the couple will be very happy, and I hope all you [curls his lip up in disgust] people enjoy this song.

["Great Balls of Fire" starts, and PETER begins singing. He is brilliant, and soon has the crowd on their feet.]

;;; And I thought you were trying to make me

;;; feel special!


Charlie: [Dancing awkwardly, listening to Peter] That horrid little man is quite good, isn't he? [To Winston, sharply] Perhaps YOU should go to reception. We wish to look at the gifts. Come, group! MIME-Version: 1.0 Sender: conor.r@gmail.com


Winston: Uh, okay.

[Exit WINSTON, in a rush. Meanwhile, everyone else in the room is cheering along to PETER's singing.]

Austin : [Admiring Peter] Isn't he just brilliant! 01.03.149

Jerrick: Come on Austin, focus. There's a man with a yellow tie somewhere, so apparently we have to do something unpleasant to him. MIME-Version: 1.0 Sender: conor.r@gmail.com


Alice: Yeah, Aus. He's just great.

[The party head over to the presents, just as PETER starts to douse the karaoke machine in alcohol.]

Deuce: [Looking at the big stack of presents] Not sure what we're looking for here, Pixie Styx. 01.03.151

Charlie: [To Deuce, scanning the presents] Another gift for us to claim as our own, of course! 01.03.152

Jerrick: I thought we were after someone with a yellow tie. Not sure why we were after him - I mean yellow isn't a good colour for a tie, but that's his business surely. So... what are we doing here again? MIME-Version: 1.0 Sender: conor.r@gmail.com


Alice: We're trying to figure out why the hell he'd steal our present! We want an explanation for this atrocity, and we want justice for this crime! Also, like Charlie said, if we can steal someone else's and put another card on it, that would be helpful. [Points to a wrapped gift] How about the clock?

[PETER sets the karaoke machine on fire, but keeps singing. The crowd are entranced.]

Charlie: [Looks at the clock critically] Yes, I think that's at least marginally better than the toaster, though since we are behaving like criminals we might as well claim one of the bigger presents. MIME-Version: 1.0 Sender: conor.r@gmail.com


Deuce: [Confused] How do you two know that it's a clock? It is still wrapped!

Alice: Because it's ticking. I mean, it's either a clock or a bomb, right?

[The karaoke machine is starting to spark from the fire, but PETER keeps doing his thing, now playing the karaoke machine with his foot.]

Austin : Then we should carefully unwrap it and check! If it is a bomb then we might save everyone, if it is just a clock then we can say that we thought it was a bomb. If noone noticies then we rewrap it and say it's our gift. If it is a clock, ofcourse! MIME-Version: 1.0 Sender: conor.r@gmail.com


Alice: Good idea, Aus!

[Everyone stands around while PETER continues his song.]

Alice: Well, go on then! [Looks at the others] I'm not going to unwrap the bomb! 01.03.158

Jerrick: Try shaking it. Don't worry, I'll stand back in case it explodes. 01.03.158

Austin : [Sighs] Do I have to do everthing around here! [Very carefully starts unwrapping the bomb]

;;;; You are special Conor!


Charlie: [To Austin] We're right behind you, not to worry! [To the party] Be ready to duck and cover! 01.03.160

Mac: Duck? Where? [Starts looking around for a duck] MIME-Version: 1.0 Sender: conor.r@gmail.com


[AUSTIN starts to delicately unwrap the gift. However, he is interrupted by the arrival of PHOEBE.]

Phoebe: [Does a quick pose to show herself off] Hey! Are you stealing presents?

[Kaboom! Just as the karaoke machine explodes, so too does the present that AUSTIN is trying to unwrap. When the dust settles, all the presents are in disarray, and the various party members are covered in presents. All, that is, except ALICE. There is, however, a huge mattress where she had been standing. Incredibly, no one, not even AUSTIN, was hurt.]

Maxwell: [Storming up to the party] What on earth is going on here? 01.03.162

Dur: [Head Dizzy] I think we kicked off the reception a little early.MIME-Version: 1.0 Sender: conor.r@gmail.com


Maxwell: I think you better get back to your room and all sober up! 01.03.164

Charlie: [To Maxwell, brightly] Oh, no! I intend to become even more intoxicated before the end of the night. [To the party] Is everyone all right? Who could have done such a thing?! 01.03.164

Jerrick: Nonsense! We're totally schober! [Keels over, then springs back up] It's all right! I'm OK! Just a minor slip that's all! MIME-Version: 1.0 Sender: conor.r@gmail.com


Maxwell: Please leave now. [Points to the mattress] And take your mattress with you! 01.03.165

Austin : [Looking very suprised. Dusting himself down and searching for injuries. To Maxwell] If you must know, we had just found a bomb. [To Phoebe] A bomb that I was attempting to defuse. [To Maxwell] but it wen off before I had a chance. However it was obviously a very poor bomb, as no one is hurt, so all that remains is to find out who the bomber is. 01.03.166

Jerrick: But we're not done getting drick -- drink -- drunk! 01.03.167

Austin : I think you have succeded in every way, Mr Aaadar. You are so drunk you may even be unconsious before the band starts. [Rolls his eyes]

;;;; away home

MIME-Version: 1.0

Sender: conor.r@gmail.com


Phoebe: [Shakes her head sadly] I think they were stealing gifts.

[The mattress moves, and ALICE climbs out from beneath it.]

Alice: What the hell just happened?

Maxwell: You and the others knocked over all the presents!

Deuce: [Placatingly] You know, how about we all go back to the room. Where did that mattress come from?

Alice: I don't know! It just fell on top of me! 01.03.169

Charlie: [To Deuce] Indeed, it does seem time to make our exit! Come along, group! [Heads for the room] MIME-Version: 1.0 Sender: conor.r@gmail.com


[Exit the party, heads hanging, with everyone giving them dirty looks.]

Maxwell: I know what will make everyone feel better. [Starts singing] Loooove, Love will tear us apart...!

;;; End of scene, next one coming right up

MIME-Version: 1.0

Sender: conor.r@gmail.com


[Book VIII, Act I, Scene IV. Suite 13. ALICE, AUSTIN, CHARLIE, CLINT, DUR, JERRICK, MAC and DEUCE are here, having just arrived back.]

Alice: But where the hell did that mattress come from? It's like it fell out of the sky! 01.04.002

Dur: Maybe it was a mattress bomb. After all, the bomb didn't seem overly dangerous did it?= 01.04.003

Charlie: Good thinking, Dur! Perhaps it was merely one of the Knights playing prankster? In any case, we should be alert for this man wearing a yellow tie! Nothing good seems to follow him! 01.04.004

Mac: But what about the cake? We should warn people! 01.04.005

Jerrick: But what about the booze?!? Oh, wait maybe there's some left in the cabinet. 01.04.006

Clint: If there's not, we can always break into room #13 and steal someone else's! Or we could go to the reception now and give the bride and groom one of the centerpieces as a gift.


Charlie: [Sloppily scolding] You've all had quite enough to drink! We clearly cannot let our guard down just now. 01.04.007

Jerrick: Bride and groom? There's a wedding here as well as all the booze? MIME-Version: 1.0 Sender: conor.r@gmail.com


Alice: [To Charlie] What? We can guard our let down? [To the others] She's very drunk. And anyway, the mattress didn't come out of the bomb, someone dropped it from above. There's a balcony that overlooks the main reception room that we were in, they must have dropped it from there. And why was our present stolen and not anyone else's? 01.04.009

Clint: Clearly, someone is trying to make us look bad and doesn't know us well enough to realize that we don't need any help!


Charlie: Perhaps we'd better go take a look at that balcony? [Looks at Alice] How curious, someone who set the bomb, or knew it had been set, also wanted to protect YOU from any ill-effects, shielding you with that mattress? [Adds with a sniff, staggering to a chair] And I am NOT drunk. I think I had some bad shellfish earlier. MIME-Version: 1.0 Sender: conor.r@gmail.com


Alice: I think you mean "selfish". We better keep away from the reception room tonight, I think. You know, in case of puking? [Thinks] It's kind of nice that someone wants to protect me, but on the other hand, setting bombs at a bridal shower, well, that's precisely the kind of present people don't want. At least, that's what cousin Dave said when he got ours. [Rolls her eyes] Yeesh, what an over reaction. He didn't even like Mary. 01.04.011

Jerrick: [Nods, absolutely serious] I get that all the time - it's absolutely possible to have bad shellfish without eating any shellfish. [To the others] I forgot all about the wedding! [Thinks] Wait, was that why the booze was there? Oh. [Thinks some more, then turns to Mac] So, when're you and Dur getting married? 01.04.012

Clint: Dur and Mac are getting married? [Hastily edges away from the two.]

MIME-Version: 1.0 Sender: conor.r@gmail.com


Alice: Aw! I think that's great! Well done, you two! 01.04.013

Charlie: [To Mac, delighted] Oh, I'm so happy for you, dear! I've got a veil you can borrow, if you like. [Glances tactfully at Dur] Or YOU can borrow it, if that's the way it works in your relationship. MIME-Version: 1.0 Sender: conor.r@gmail.com


Alice: Veils, eh? You probably want to borrow volume two of my wedding plans. And wait until you see the lingerie section, Dur, it'll look great on you.

Dur: Is it edible underwear?

Alice: Some of it.

Dur: Great! I think we'll be very happy together!

[Exit ALICE into her room.]

Deuce: [To Mac] Run, my friend. Run like the wind! 01.04.014

Mac: Yea, congratulations Dur and... wait, WHAT!? [Turns to Jerrick] Your the sailor boy! If anyone should be marrying Dur it's you. [To Dur] No offence. Wouldn't want to saddle you with him.

;;; Probably my only post today. I have a dentist appointment this

;;; morning followed by lots to do this afternoon.

MIME-Version: 1.0

Sender: conor.r@gmail.com


Deuce: Saddles? That'll be Volume 5: Spicing Up Your Marriage. [Gives a shudder]

[Enter ALICE, in a state of panic.]

Alice: My stuff! It's all gone!

Deuce: Even the Wedding Folders?

Alice: [Wails] Yes!

Deuce: [Trying to contain his joy] Oh. No. How awful.

;;; Gone for 1.5 hours


Charlie: [Swats drunkenly at Deuce] Deuce, you horrid thing! Give Alice back her folders.

;;; Out for about two hours!


Jerrick: Don't worry Charlie - Mac and Dur will probably provide more photos of their impending nuptials. [To Mac] You have some odd ideas about sailors - have you ever even seen a ship? [To the party] I'll go and make sure they didn't steal my stuff. [Checks his room] Return-Path: <conor.r@gmail.com>


Last from John

[ JERRICK'S room is completely untouched.]

Alice: What about the rest of you? 01.04.019

Austin : [Looks around] What about us? Return-Path: <conor.r@gmail.com>


Alice: Were your rooms robbed? 01.04.021

Charlie: [Gasps and leaps out of her chair] I'll check my room! [Heads to her room to see if anything was taken] 01.04.022

Last from Conor 21

Austin : [Goes to check his room] I'll go and see. Return-Path: <conor.r@gmail.com>


Last from Dom

Mac: [Looks into his] Nope, all my stuff is still here.

;;; unless you've heard otherwise

;;; your stuff has not been taken


Charlie: [Returns to the room, relieved] Nothing of mine has been taken. [To Alice] Perhaps someone connected to this wedding stumbled into our suite by mistake and thought your wedding plans were meant for this wedding? The numbering system of the rooms is quite confusing, after all. Return-Path: <conor.r@gmail.com>


Last from heather

Alice: That's not your room! That's Clint's room! 01.04.025

Jerrick: So it's just Alice's stuff that's been taken? Cool! [To Mac] Now, what kinds of refreshments are you and Dur planning to have at your wedding? 01.04.026

Austin : [Returns] Nothing of mine has been taken. Perhaps someone planted a bomb in here? [Starts searching] The one downstairs was either disasterously badly made, or just a ruse to get people to return to their rooms, just as we have. Perhaps the real bomb is in here? 01.04.027

Charlie: [To the party] Mr. Sleaze could be right! Search the room for any ticking clocks and such! [To Alice, horrified] It was?! Curse this confusing hotel! [Rushes back into another room, this time hers] MIME-Version: 1.0 Sender: conor.r@gmail.com


[The party search the room thoroughly, and there doesn't appear to be any foreign or ticking objects here.]

Charlie: [Re-enters the room, enraged] All of my things have been taken! This is an outrage! We must report it at once. MIME-Version: 1.0 Sender: conor.r@gmail.com


Clint: [Checks his room] My stuff is here -- although it looks like someone [playfully glares at Charlie] has been searching through it! 01.04.031

Jerrick: So someone's been stealing the women's things? Dur, what've you been up to? 01.04.032

Dur: Ummm.... [Confused] Looking for food?


Austin : [To Charlie, concerned] Are you quite sure you have the right room? What appears to have been stolen? 01.04.033

Charlie: [To Austin] Yes, I'm certain this time! Absolutely everything was taken, including some perfectly precious photos of Wilhelmina and-- [staggered] my manuscript draft for the book I'm writing about Clementine! [Furious] It's that hideous Rourke-Burke creature, I know it! She stole my research and is trying to steal my daughter. MIME-Version: 1.0 Sender: conor.r@gmail.com


Alice: And don't forget my stuff! All six volumes of "My Big Day".

Deuce: Huh. None of my stuff is missing. Not even that spare ham I brought. [Points a warning finger at Dur] It's in case of emergency only! 01.04.035

Dur: [Stomach growling in protest] But that woman was with us most of the time. The only people that we saw early was the man in the tie... And Pestil= ence of course. You don't think... ?MIME-Version: 1.0 Sender: conor.r@gmail.com


Alice: Yes I do think! I think quite often! Why, just the other day I was thinking about something, isn't that right, Deucie?

Deuce: Actually, I think you were asleep.

Alice: But I was *dreaming*! 01.04.037

Charlie: [To Dur, defensively] Oh, no! I'm sure he wouldn't do anything like that. Besides, why on earth would he steal Alice's wedding plans-- [crestfallen] unless he's planning to get married. . . ? MIME-Version: 1.0 Sender: conor.r@gmail.com


Alice: Look, Charlie, I know he's your husband and all, but I'm warning you, if I see Pestilence wearing my specially designed Princess Headpiece, there's going to be trouble.

Deuce: [Reassuringly] Don't worry about it, Pixie Styx, his head is way too small.

Alice: [Relieved] Thank God! 01.04.038

Jerrick: [Excited] Ooh, another wedding?!? Does that mean another open bar? MIME-Version: 1.0 Sender: conor.r@gmail.com


Alice: I doubt there's any alcohol left in the country after tonight! 01.04.039

Austin : Indeed, a relief to us all. [Phews. Casually lights up a cigarette in a ridiculously long holder and blows some smoke rings] So, some pervert has stolen the girls belongings. [Laughs] It is a shame old Chassers is not here, we would have found the perpetrator dead from a heart attack next to her underwear. [Smirks] MIME-Version: 1.0 Sender: conor.r@gmail.com


Alice: Yikes, Aus, I didn't know that you were so familiar with Chasser's undies! [To the others] I think we need to go out and start shaking down some punks and taking names -- we've got to find these perps, and soon, because [looks at her watch] well, I don't have a watch, but it's getting late. [Thinks] Hey! Someone stole my watch!

Deuce: It's on your left hand.

Alice: [Checks] No! It's gone!

Deuce: Your LEFT hand.

Alice: [Checks] No! It's gone!

Deuce: Your left HAND.

Alice: [Checks] No! It's gone!

Deuce: Your -- [sigh] oh no. We'll add that to the list of stolen items.

;;; Chassers is Sr. Chastity Browne, a long time party

;;; member, now since retired


Charlie: [All business] Yes, let us go investigate that balcony you mentioned. Perhaps we'll find a clue there. [Suddenly wails] Seriously, do you really think he's going to marry--THAT?! 01.04.041

Jerrick: What do you mean there's no alcohol left in the country? Has someone stolen that as well? The fiends! 01.04.041

Austin : Well, the thief could be long gone, or perhaps they are sitting just around the corner, exhausted from carrying all of the girls cases. Either that or they had a team of acomplices [Smiles] . We should get a move on or we may miss the band!

MIME-Version: 1.0 Sender: conor.r@gmail.com


Mac: [To Charlie] If he does, he's a fool, no matter what kind of tiara he has.

[There's a knock on the door, and voice calls out.]

Voice: [From outside] Police! Open up!

Alice: [To the party] He must have the wrong room -- there are no police here! 01.04.043

Dur: Perhaps we should pretend that we are not here just in case. [Turns tothe door and shouts] No one is here! Try the room next door!= MIME-Version: 1.0 Sender: conor.r@gmail.com


Voice: Okay! Thanks!

Alice: [Admiringly] Wow, Dur! I can't believe that worked! That's the greatest plan since--

[Knock knock!]

Voice: Come on, open up. 01.04.045

Charlie: [Exasperated] Oh, will he EVER stop knocking?! Here, I'll just ask him to stop. [Goes to open the door] MIME-Version: 1.0 Sender: conor.r@gmail.com


[CHARLIE opens the door to reveal SVEN outside, holding a keg over his shoulder.]

Sven: [Laughing] You're all under arrest! [Walks in] Sentence? You have to help me finish this keg! 01.04.046

Jerrick: Tell him there's no-one here! And ask him to send up some more drinks! 01.04.047

Charlie: [Big smile] Oh, what a lovely surprise! Do come in! [Opens the door to let Sven enter] MIME-Version: 1.0 Sender: conor.r@gmail.com


Sven: So, what's this about a bomb? You guys trying to blow up the wedding? 01.04.048

Austin : [Raises and eyebrow] I'll get some glasses. [Looks around for some pint glasses. To Sven] Some dastardly villan stole the girls belongings. 01.04.049

Charlie: WE didn't set off a bomb, rather were nearly killed by it ourselves! And, as Mr. Sleaze pointed out, we have further been victimized by a robbery. MIME-Version: 1.0 Sender: conor.r@gmail.com


Sven: Yeah, I'm sure, Charlie, but, you must admit, it was a pretty crappy bomb. Either it was designed to only knock stuff over or you guys were very lucky and it didn't go off properly. Not only that, when we checked it out, we couldn't find any evidence of a bomb.

[JERRICK grabs the keg, only to find that it's empty.]

Sven: [Sees the look of disbelief on Jerrick's face and laughs] Haw! I love this guy! [Points to the door] There's a full one out there, buddy. [Looks around] Robbery, eh? Stealing the girls' unmentionables? Well, one suspect leaps to mind immediately. 01.04.051

Dur: And that would be?


Charlie: [All ears] Who? If it's a cross-dresser or a lingerie fetishist with extraordinarily high academic standards, then you could well be correct! MIME-Version: 1.0 Sender: conor.r@gmail.com


Sven: [Gives a big grin] Me! MIME-Version: 1.0 Sender: conor.r@gmail.com


Sven: Can't it be both? 01.04.054

Dur: So now the question is: Did you do it?MIME-Version: 1.0 Sender: conor.r@gmail.com


Sven: Nope, not me, which is a shame, as [to Charlie] I understand that you have some very flouncy underwear?

Alice: Hey! Mine's way flouncier!

Sven: Haw! I'm sure it is, Shooter! 01.04.055

Jerrick: And how? Charlie's mentioned her unmentionables quite a bit, and by all accounts transporting them is quite an engineering challenge. They're just that big! 01.04.056

Charlie: [To Alice, drily] Yes, you win. Well done. [To Sven] So, there was no evidence of a bomb left behind? Someone must have cleaned up afterward. What a very peculiar crime! MIME-Version: 1.0 Sender: conor.r@gmail.com


Alice: Whoohoo! I'm number one! I'm number one!

Sven: I don't know, Alice. You should have seen the his and hers matching set that Pestilence and Charlie gave Darius and Bruni for a wedding present. Bruni's is pretty flouncy, but Darius'? You could hide a few hams up in them.

Alice: [Enraged] A *few*?

Sven: Uh, no.

Alice: A phew.

;;; Gone for the weekend!


Charlie: [Flabbergasted] We did? I thought we got them a pathetic toaster, and even that was rather inexplicably stolen, so technically we got them nothing at all! 01.04.059

Clint: Nah, we gave them the joy of our company, complete with bad singing, gift stealing, and bomb faking! We're number one!


Charlie: That's the spirit, Mr. Scar! [To the party] Shall we go take a look at the balcony? MIME-Version: 1.0 Sender: conor.r@gmail.com


Sven: Yeah, maybe we should just wait until the morning. After all, there is a brand new keg here.

Alice: [Realization hits] Hey! [To Charlie] There was nothing wrong with that toaster! They've been using in Daddy's servants' kitchen for years! 01.04.062

Charlie: [Appalled] We gave them a USED toaster?! Then why did we have to pay for it? 01.04.063

Clint: So... uh... they could replace it, maybe? To the balcony!

MIME-Version: 1.0 Sender: conor.r@gmail.com


Sven: [Steps in front of the door] Haw! I like your enthusiasm, Clint, but if any of you are seen outside of the suite tonight, you're likely to be thrown ou of the wedding. Now, we have this keg, that's just dying to be drank. Why don't we look after it? 01.04.065

Charlie: [To Sven] Well, I suppose we can wait until morning. [Brightly] This will give us a chance to discuss my research in more detail! 01.04.065

Mac: Sven! While the keg is tempting you seem inordinately concerned on keeping us in the room. I want to know why? MIME-Version: 1.0 Sender: conor.r@gmail.com


Sven: [To Mac] Because if you leave the room tonight, you're likely to be thrown out of the wedding. The common belief is that you guys started some sort of brawl and knocked over all the presents. Believe me, guys, you don't want to be on the outs with the rest of the Knights. 01.04.068

Charlie: [To Mac, reassuringly] Not to worry! Sven always has our best interests at heart, and he can be trusted. [To Sven, scolding] Though I don't recommend any further drinking. We must remain alert in case of another attack! 01.04.068

Mac: But we didn't do any of those things! We must clear our names at once! [Stands up, staggers a bit and then falls flat on his face. Talking into the floor] I think I may be a wee bit drunk still... MIME-Version: 1.0 Sender: conor.r@gmail.com


Sven: That's why I brought more beer! 01.04.069

Austin : Phew, I thought you were going to talk about your research! [Dabs his brow in relief] MIME-Version: 1.0 Sender: conor.r@gmail.com


Sven: Not drinking is always good advice. [Takes out a tap] However, when did you lot ever take that? 01.04.070

Jerrick: Sven has a point. Consider the underwear for starters. [To Sven] And I am disappointed in you! Not drinking is never good advice 01.04.071

Clint: Never. Gimme another beer. If I have to sit in here while Sarge talks about her research, I'm damn well doing it drunk!


Charlie: [With a sniff] And to think, I was going to dedicate my Clementine book to all of you! 01.04.073

Mac: I think it's admirable that you keep on doing it regardless of what our drunken companions think. MIME-Version: 1.0 Sender: conor.r@gmail.com


Sven: [Puts his arm around Charlie] Haw! Charlie, we'd be honoured! [Sticks the tap into the keg.]

[Almost instantly, the door opens. Enter MAC BRINDLEWORTH, with three bridesmaids on his arms. They are NINKA LOHMANN, THUSNELDA MAGNUSSEN and EVANGELINE TOLSTRUP.]

Macb: I beg your pardon for interrupting, but the lovely ladies and I couldn't help but overhear someone tapping a keg.

;;; Out for two hours

;;; Jack is an old friend of the party. He has worked

;;; with them before, but is usually too drunk to

;;; be of any real help. However, he has saved their

;;; lives on at least one occasion, at great risk to

;;; himself


Charlie: [To Jack] Yes, we shall try to remember that in future. [Nervously smooths down the wrinkles in her dress and scans the room anxiously] Do we see anyone we know? With anyone we despise? 01.05.031

Clint: It wouldn't be us if we didn't! [To Jack.] Say, what's the record for the MOST brawls at a Knight's wedding?


Mac: Charlie, I thought you got over *them* last night? 01.05.033

Charlie: [Uncomfortably] It's a touch more complicated than that, I'm afraid, but--no matter! Let's go enjoy the wedding! Isn't everything lovely?= MIME-Version: 1.0 Sender: conor.r@gmail.com



Jack: It sure is. Peter did a great job on the decorations. He was really excited about putting on a big show for the knights. [Points to a huge globe suspended over the room] That's the main attraction. It's full of highly flammable oil, so that when Sexy Penis take to the stage, they can blow it up. 01.05.034

Clint: Lovely, and all in white, which never made any sense. It should be all black, if you know what I mean!



Austin : [To Charlie] What is a touch more complicated than what [Rubs his sore head] Did anyone get a video of last night's party, perchance? MIME-Version: 1.0 Sender: conor.r@gmail.com


[Enter the bridesmaids from last night, clearly leading the procession. In the front is NINKA, who gives AUSTIN a wink.]

Ninka: [Mouthing] Last night was great.

[The procession moves on, and NINKA gives CLINT a wink.]

Ninka: [Mouthing] Last night was great. 01.05.035

Charlie: [To Clint, wryly] Are you impugning Bruni's purity or is it the institution itself with which you take issue? [To Austin, with a sigh] Pestilence, of course.


Austin : [Looks a little unsettled, quietly] I hope it was in that order. 01.05.037

Charlie: [Amused] I believe the implication was that the acts were simultaneous!


Jerrick: You should be hoping that it wasn't all together - three in a bed kind of thing. 01.05.037

Clint: [Gives Ninka the finger-gun as she passes.] The institution, of course! [Thinks a little more about what Ninka just said and looks vaguely horrified.] I hope it wasn't at the same time!

MIME-Version: 1.0 Sender: conor.r@gmail.com


Alice: [To Mac] You mean, at least you got to have sex with a human!

Ninka: [Gives Jerrick a wink mouthing] Last night was great.

;;; Out for an hour!


Charlie: [Looks at Jerrick in surprise] Well done, Mr. Adaar! I wouldn't have thought it possible!= 01.05.040

Jerrick: According to transfer evidence, you might have found out for yourself last night as well. 01.05.041

Charlie: [Haughtily] Not according to MY investigation, which included rather a thorough examination of the alleged crime scene!

;;; The things you people force me to say!

MIME-Version: 1.0

Sender: conor.r@gmail.com


Alice: Crime scene? That's not exactly a romantic name for the Wilhelmina hatch, is it? 01.05.042

Austin : We can hardly consider your examination to be unbiased. No court or jury in the land would believe the evidence produced by a drunken crypto-zoologist-wedding bomber-demon lover with a conforming to society OCD. [Ponders] That could make for a good comedy series though. [Shakes his head] Naah. 01.05.043

Charlie: Plainly, it wasn't meant to be romantic, rather definitive proof that I did not--nor would I ever--betray my husband's trust last night! 01.05.043

Jerrick: I guess this is some sort of roleplay?

;;; I know we're terrible!


Charlie: [Dusting her hands off decisively] Right, now that that's settled, let us go and witness the wedding! 01.05.045

Dur: After last night, I don't know if I want to witness any more!


Mac: I do hope the bride cries. I don't feel it's a proper wedding if the bride doesn't cry. MIME-Version: 1.0 Sender: conor.r@gmail.com


Alice: Are you planning on saying something mean to her? [Looks at the huge globe of oil] Is that really such a good place to keep that? 01.05.048

Jerrick: We could tell her she looks fat - that might do the trick. MIME-Version: 1.0 Sender: conor.r@gmail.com


Alice: You're a classy guy, Jerrick.

[Another bridesmaid, THUSNELDA enters. She gives MAC a wink as she enters.]

Thusnelda: [Blows Mac a kiss] Hi. [Gives Clint a big wink] Hey there. [Slaps Austin across the face, much to everyone's surprise.]

[The slap doesn't hurt, just surprise.]

Austin : [Looks very nervously at the huge globe of oil] That oil will kill us all if it falls. Does no one else think that this is a great big trap?

;;;; where are we in relation to the oil? COuld we escape if it exploded?


Charlie: [To Mac, shocked] Not you, too! [To Alice] I must say, the men of the party certainly disgraced themselves last night, didn't they?! 01.05.050

Jerrick: So's Austin, apparently. 01.05.051

Mac: [Looking shocked] Me? [Pauses to let the realisation sink in] Wow, I actually slept with someone! I hope I was good. Pity I don't remember anything. MIME-Version: 1.0 Sender: conor.r@gmail.com


Alice: Judging by the noise you were making, you were asleep! [To Charlie] Yes, the *men* disgraced themselves. [Looks up at the globe before turning to Austin] Yeah, we do kind of seem to be an easy target, don't we? I just hope there isn't someone hidden up in that balcony who wants to shoot at it. 01.05.053

Austin : [Quietly to Thusnelda, indignantly] What was that for? MIME-Version: 1.0 Sender: conor.r@gmail.com


Thusnelda: [Glares at Austin] Oh, *you* know. [Heads up to the top of the hall, beside Ninka]

Alice: [Points up at the balcony] Look, is it my imagination, or is the light reflecting of something? Maybe something like the sight on a long range crossbow?

[There is a definite shine, although it isn't from the sight on a long range crossbow, rather it is from the bright yellow tie worn by a man holding a long range crossbow. This is BLAINE SHINE.]

;;; Boddy has fought with the party many times, although he was one of

;;; the original Horsemen of the Apocalypse (as was Pestilence!) but

;;; he turned against them to fight with the party. He became a long

;;; time ally of the party, until he kidnapped Clint's bride to be,

;;; Dominique, and gave her a love potion, before marrying her.

;;; The party subsequently accidentally killed her and, although

;;; Boddy swore revenge on them, he later helped them defeat Jerome.

;;; He was last seen way back in Book V, Act XII, riding off into the

;;; sunset with a stash of magical weapons.

;;; All but Charlie, Jerrick and Mac know Boddy. He bears a startling

;;; resemblance to Darius


Charlie: How nice to finally meet you! I've read your file at length. Quite a career you've had! [Offers her hand] Dr. Charlotte Parker-Kensington. 01.06.044

Austin : [Adds] Not just flounce, plenty of knicker too! [Pauses] How are you Mr Boddy? MIME-Version: 1.0 Sender: conor.r@gmail.com


Boddy: [Shakes Charlie's hand] Yep, Pestilence has told me all about you. Slutty girl who's good at Maths, right?

Alice: Nope, that's me. [To Mac and Jerrick] Boddy's Darius' soulmate.

Boddy: I'm the handsome one.

;;; Mac and Jerrick mightn't have heard that term before, so

;;; feel free to ask about it if not


Mac: Boddy, good to meet you. Soulmate? As in gay lover? 01.06.047

Austin : [Alarmed, ducks under the table] Ooops! 01.06.048

Charlie: [To Boddy, with a gasp] He didn't really call me a slutty mathematician, did he? [Wails] He never actually understood my work at all! MIME-Version: 1.0 Sender: conor.r@gmail.com


Boddy: [To Mac] Sorry to disappoint you, but I'm straight. If I was gay, though, I'm sure I'd want someone more manly than you. Maybe Alice or Charlie.

Alice: [To Charlie] Your work makes him think that you're slutty? Yeesh, Charlie, what kind of scientist are you? 01.06.050

Charlie: [Primly] Sex has nothing to do with it. I only meant that he should know that I'm a cryptozoologist, not a mathematician! He did read my thesis, all of my articles, and my book manuscript after all. [Sudden horror] Or did he just spill a bit of wax and tequila on them here and there to make me THINK that he read them?! 01.06.050

Mac: Oh no, you misunderstand. I'm not gay either, it's just when you mentioned soulmate I guessed lovers. If not lovers then what do you mean soulmate? MIME-Version: 1.0 Sender: conor.r@gmail.com


Boddy: Look, buddy, we don't care if you're gay or not, we're all friends here.


Peter: I'm not.

[Exit PETER.]

Alice: [To Mac] Soulmates are people who share the same soul. Technically, they're not supposed to be alive at the same time, but with time travel and [waves her hands around vaguely] magical orbs and whatnot, sometimes they meet. MIME-Version: 1.0 Sender: conor.r@gmail.com


Alice: [Helpfully] Maybe he was trying to destroy them? 01.06.053

Jerrick: [To Charlie] Oh, are you going into partnership with that sexologist, what was her name, the one you really like? Phoebe, that was it! Maybe you can write a paper together? 01.06.054

Charlie: [To Jerrick, outraged] How dare you?! I detest that woman! MIME-Version: 1.0 Sender: conor.r@gmail.com


Boddy: Hm, I think I like the sound of her.

Alice: [Looks around] Hey, where did she go? Wasn't she sitting at our table?

Phoebe: I'm right here. It's just difficult to see me in profile. [Turns facing front so everyone can see her, before turning sideways again and disappearing]

Adam: Let's get our to our seats. Sexy Penis are about to come on stage, and I want to be one of the first to leap out of their seat.

;;; Remember, Sexy Penis are the most popular band in the

;;; Realms!


Charlie: [To Adam] How thrilling! You sound like an expert at these sorts of things, so I shall be following your lead as to what constitutes appropriate behavior at a [finger quotes] rock concert! MIME-Version: 1.0 Sender: conor.r@gmail.com


Adam: Great! Now, you have already taken off your bra, right? 01.06.058

Dur: [Tosses his bra at Adam] Yep!MIME-Version: 1.0 Sender: conor.r@gmail.com


Alice: Hey! That's mine! I had it on this morning! 01.06.060

Dur: [Feeling argumentative] Finder's, keeper's!


Charlie: [To Adam, uncertainly] Well, I only have the one because all of my things were stolen. If I sacrifice this one, who knows when I'll find another this frill-- [flustered] I mean, I haven't time to shop just now so I shall have to suggest at sexual availability in another way! Perhaps by waving a banner? 01.06.062

Mac: You could always just get up on stage and dance rather slutty like. That would probably do it. MIME-Version: 1.0 Sender: conor.r@gmail.com


Boddy: Care to give us a demonstration?

[SVEN gets up on the stage.]

Sven: Right! Now that all that wedding stuff is out of the way, we can get down to why we're all really here. What wants Sexy Penis? 01.06.064

Charlie: [Cheers and raises her hand] Oh, I do! MIME-Version: 1.0 Sender: conor.r@gmail.com


Sven: I can't hear you!

More: [About half the people] Me! Me! I want Sexy Penis!

Sven: I can't hear you!

All: Sexy Penis! Sexy Penis!

Sven: I can't hear you! [Stops] Huh, hang on a second. [Takes out some earplugs] What the hell am I doing wearing these?

All: Sexy Penis! Sexy Penis! 01.06.066

Dur: [Tosses his bra on stage] We all want Sexy Penis!


Charlie: [Clapping her hands and chanting "Sexy Penis"] This is all too thrilling! I think I shall have to remove my bra, after all! [To the party] I'll just pop into the Ladies' Room to slip it off, and I'll be right back! [Heads to the bathroom] MIME-Version: 1.0 Sender: conor.r@gmail.com


Alice: [To Deuce] Come on, Deucie! Sexy Penis!

[DEUCE says nothing, but has a strange look of bliss on his face.]
MIME-Version: 1.0 Sender: conor.r@gmail.com


Alice: Huh, I guess Phoebe better turn sideways again so we can see her. [Nothing happens] Hm. 01.06.069

Austin : [To Alice] Perhaps she has slipped between a crack in the floorboards? MIME-Version: 1.0 Sender: conor.r@gmail.com


Alice: I don't know, Aus. See that look of satisfaction on Deuce's face? It's all too familiar! 01.06.071

Dur: Then maybe it is a mystery best left unsolved!


Austin : [Looks at Deuce] Oh, I see. [To Alice] How perfectly horrible for you. What are you going to do about it? [Looks shocked] MIME-Version: 1.0 Sender: conor.r@gmail.com


[PHOEBE reappears, coming up from under the table.]

Alice: No! She better not have any Deuce Juice!

Phoebe: Wow! [Fans herself] I think I may just gained five pounds. Excuse me, I need to purge.

[Exit PHOEBE, into the bathroom.]

Alice: [To Austin] I'm not sure what to do. Is it better to kill him first? Or should I kill her?

Sven: Here they come! It's SEXY PENIS!

[Some music starts thundering out, and everyone gets to their feet.]

A0 [Some music starts thundering out, and everyone gets to their feet.]

Deuce: Alice, baby! You've got it all wrong! She was just, uh, looking for a contact lens.

Alice: Oh. Okay. Phew! 01.06.073

I never knew contact lenses could end up *there*!


Deuce: They're tricky little things, Jerrick!

[The crowd continue their chanting, and onto the stage come PENNY STAINER and ISOBEL CUMBERLAND, two nauseatingly wholesome looking girls.]

Penny: Hello, everyone.

Sven: Er, so, I can't help but notice that you guys aren't Sexy Penis, are you?

[The crowd go very, very quiet.]

Penny: No, but it's an easy mistake. We're [pronounced Sea Zee Pen Is] Sexy Penis. Se for Setar, Xy for Xylophone, Pen for Penny and Is for Isobel. We're awfully proud to be invited to sing some of our wholesome homespun goodness about God and being nice and stuff. [Does a peace sign to the crowd] Just say no to alcohol, drugs, high fat food, red meat, short skirts and loud noises. [Quietly] Rah!


Mac: Yes, and we're invited.


Marvin: If your name's not Dan, you're not coming in. Is your name Dan?


Mac: So you're telling me everyone in there is called Dan?


Dur: Is it ANOTHER cult? Sure, our names are all Dan!


Content-Type: text/plain; charset=ISO-8859-1

Jerrick: Could be confusing. [To Marvin] Yes, we are all called Dan. Especially those two. [Indicates Alice and Charlie]



Marvin: [Looks at the party as though they are crazy] What the hell are you talking about? If your name isn't dan on the list, you're not getting in.

Austin: If I may, I believe that he is trying to say "down". [To Marvin] Is that correct?

Marvin: Yes! That's what I said, Dan.


Charlie: Oh, I see! [To the party] Some sort of speech impediment. [To Marvin] I am Gertrude Parker-Kensington! I'm sure you'll find that I'm on the list.


Clint: And with a name like that, it shouldn't take long to find!


Marvin: [Looks through the list] Yep, you're Dan.

Alice: [Claps Charlie on the back] Great idea, Charlie! [To Marvin] I'm that really ugly skinny, chick, uh, Phoebe, I think?

Marvin: [Looks Alice up and down] I think I need to see some ID from all ofyou.


Jerrick: [Pulls a crumpled, blank piece of paper from his pocket] Can I borrow a pen?

;;; Off home


Charlie: [To Marvin, dismissively] Do be serious. You can't go changing the rules. You said we could come inside if our names were down on your little paper. Right? Right! [To the party] Let's go, group! [Attempts to enter]


Marvin: [Steps in front of Charlie to block] Not without ID. [Hands a pen to Jerrick] There y'go. There's a picture of a lady on it. If you turn the pen upside down, her clothes fall off.


Clint: Ooh, turn it upside down! [Starts formulating a plan to a, steal the pen, and b, use it to put his name on Marvin's list.]


Jerrick: [To Clint] First things first, Clint. [Proceeds to scrawl "Jherrykk Adhaar CCCXVII" on the piece of paper, complete with a picture (a smiley face). This done, he presents the "ID" to Martin] . Ooh, naked lady! [Turns the pen this way]


Clint: Alright! [Looks over Jerrick's shoulder.]

;;; For some reason I have this image of Jer and Clint staring at the

pen going

;;; all "ook ook" like a couple of ape-men who have just discovered fire or

;;; something.


Jerrick: [Turns the pen right way up] Clothes on. [Turns the pen upside down] Clothes off. [Wistfully] Why can't it always be this easy?


Mac: If it was always that easy it wouldn't be worth getting them to do it. After a while you'd just get bored of seeing naked ladies. And I'm Amacus 'Mac' Brindleworthy, I should be on the list.

;;; I'm too honest for my own good. Besides, if we're not on the list we

;;; can always sneak in the back.


Charlie: [Observes the pen skeptically] I'm not entirely sure that IS a lady! [Points at the pen] Note the laryngeal prominence!

;;; Well, SOMEONE in the group has to have morals!


Marvin: [Takes Jerrick's ID and holds up in front of him] Hm, I think you'll be okay. [Looks at his list and talks to Mac] You're on the list of people not to come in! [Looks Charlie up and down] What's a laryngeal?

Alice: It's another word for penis.

Marvin: Really? [Looks at his pen again, fascinated] This is even better value that I thought! [Becomes absorbed in the pen]


Jerrick: Alice the expert as ever.


Charlie: [Looks at Jerrick, impressed] Well done, Mr. Adaar! [Whips out a notepad and makes up IDs for everyone in the manner of Jerrick's]


Dur: Indeed. Keep focusing on the pen and it will reveal all its secrets! [Waves his arms wildly in the air at the group trying to indicate they shoul= d sneak in while Marvin's attention is engrossed.]


Marvin: [Engrossed in the pen] Hello lovely lady, what secret have you got? [Looks up a the party] I mean her -- hey! Where did they go? [Looks around] Bugger.

[The party have slipped inside, where they meet SVEN, who's strolling through the main reception area of the hotel.]

Sven: Haw! Returning to the scene of the crime, eh?


Charlie: [To Sven, with a sniff] If by which you mean crimes committed by others and most definitely NOT us, then yes!


Sven: [Ruffles her hair playfully] Haw! Thank God for that! For a minute there, I thought you punched Phoebe, Slugger!


Charlie: [Vaguely] Mm, yes. Well. [Quickly changing the subject] So, Sven, have you seen anything sinister happening in the last while, anything involving yellow-tied men behaving badly?


Sven: I sure have! They've blown up wedding presents, smashed up wedding cakes, all sorts of things. [Puts on a thinking hard face] Although, those guys didn't have yellow ties on.


Jerrick: Don't tell me there's a purple-tie group as well!


Charlie: I hope you don't me US! We didn't do any of that, rather tried to prevent all of it. [Hesitates] Well, we did muss the wedding cake, but it was poisoned! Poisoned, I say!


Sven: Oh. Okay. So, how'd you know that?


Charlie: We-ell, I know it sounds absurd, but a man in a yellow tie warned us about the cake. But we heard the bomb ticking ourselves and also spotted a man in a yellow tie with a crossbow, clearly up to no good! Oh, AND all of my things and Alice's were stolen! [Firmly] So, clearly, WE are not guilty.


Sven: You know what, Slugger? You're right! You're absolutely right!


Charlie: [Delighted] Oh, Sven! You believe us? How wonderful!

;;; Out for an hour or so!


Sven: [Laughs] Haw! No, not even a tiny bit! I meant, you're right that it sounds absurd!

[Enter BILLY KIDD, an annoying looking kid. He steps up to JERRICK.]

Billy: Hey! Hey! Are you Alice?


Jerrick: [Frowns] Do I look like I might be called Alice? That's Alice there. [Indicates Mac] Why do you ask?


Billy: Because I have a secret message for Alice. [To Mac] Hsst! Hsst! Alice!

Alice: Hey! Is Alice really his first name?


Mac: What is it Billy? [Leans down to hear the message whilst giving Jerrick the finger]


Billy: [Whispers, but loudly enough for all to hear] You should go for a ten minute walk.


Jerrick: Wait, *that's* the secret message? That Alice needs some light exercise?


Alice: [To Jerrick, nodding at Mac] Well, he does look like he's put on some weight recently.


Dur: Either that or someone wants Alice out of the way for the next 10 minutes.=


Jerrick: Perhaps you're right. [To Mac] Alice, what *have* you been eating?


Alice: Wait a minute, this is getting very confusing. We can't have two Alices. Maybe we should change my name to Mac?

Austin: [To Dur] But why? [To Billy] Were the instructions concerning the location of the perambulation precise in any way?

Billy: I don't know what language you're talking, Mister.


Jerrick: He was speaking Legalese, a language known only to lawyers. It makes them feel smart. [To Alice] Ok, Mac, you're now Alice. [To Mac] Alice, you're Alice.

;;; Reminds me of a scene from Bad Boys for some reason!


Alice: [To Jerrick] I thought you were Mac?


Jerrick: Don't be daft! If I'm Mac then who's Jerrick?


Austin: [Rolls his eyes] Sigh.


Charlie: [Briskly hands out the fake IDs she made for everyone] Here, use these for reference to prevent further confusion! [To Billy] Who gave you this message to give to Alice?


Mac: I'm not Alice, [points to Jerrick] you're Alice and [points to Alice] you're Jerrick.


Dur: Isn't it obvious? Billy here was sent to run interference while Deuciedallies with Didi.... Errr... I mean Phoebe!=


Charlie: Deuce and Phoebe?! How preposterous! [Sullenly] The only match worse than that is Pestilence and Phoebe!


Jerrick: And that could *never* happen could it. [To Mac] I don't want to be Alice - I'd have to start wearing slutty dresses!


Alice: [To Charlie] No way -- Jerrick and Mac would be a way worse match! [Raises an eyebrow at Jerrick] Start?

Billy: [Shrugs] Idunno. Some guy with a yellow tie.


Jerrick: Er, I mean really nice dresses, really! [To the Party] These guys with yellow ties sure get around don't they?


Charlie: They certainly do! Why do they keep setting traps, but warning us off of them?


Sven: Are they warning all of you off? Or just Alice?


Dur: Maybe it's a set-up? They warn us about a set trap so that we cause a disturbance. Maybe we're just the distraction!=


Charlie: [Thinks back] Hm, just Alice, now that you mention it! [Narrows her eyes at Alice] You don't, by any chance, know a man with a yellow tie fetish?


Alice: [Shrugs] Probably. None that come to mind, though. You know, if this yellow tie fetishist wants me out of here, does that mean there's something else about to happen in the hotel?


Jerrick: Can anyone see someone with a yellow tie hanging around?


Charlie: We'd better evacuate the hotel! Hurry, let's tell everyone to come outside at once!


Jerrick: Yeah because that went so well the other times we tried it.

;;; Hometime


Charlie: But no one has been hurt yet, either, have they?! [Evil smile] Well, no one of consequence, anyway!


Sven: I think Darius is pretty upset about his special day being ruined.


Charlie: [Uncomfortably] Yes, I suppose it would be rather upsetting. [To Sven] We think the wedding guests are in danger, and we must warn them somehow. No one trusts us now. I don't suppose you'd be willing to take a chance and warn them for us?? An attack is imminent, I'm sure of it!


Billy: [To Jerrick and Mac] Well, Alices? Can I go now? That guy sure had a lot of oil with him, I didn't like it.

Alice: Did he seem like a [stagey] dodgy customer? [Big smile, but then looks confused] I mean, a slippery customer?

Billy: No, he wasn't a customer, more like an employer.


Jerrick: Whose employer?


Billy: Mine! Jeez, Alice. He said you were a something of a moron, but comeon!

Alice: [Realization starts to dawn] Hey!


Jerrick: So where is your boss right now?


Charlie: And where is this oil?!


Billy: Mainly being spread around the doorway into that big room where they are having brunch.


Dur: [Sighs] I suppose we ought to go check it out? Lets try not to get arrested this time though. You know what Clint does to people in jail!=


Jerrick: Maybe they plan to set it alight?


Mac: [Facepalm] How about we just let this one go? [Resigned] No... I guess we can't. Lets go.


Charlie: [Dramatically] To the brunch! [Heads to the brunch]


Alice: [Stomach rumbles massively] Good idea!

Sven: [Pulls a sword from beneath his shirt] Let's go kill some yellow ties!

[SVEN and the party rush towards the main reception room, only to be met by DARIUS.]

Darius: What the hell are you idiots doing here?


Charlie: You must trust us, Darius! There's going to be an attack on the brunch, and very soon! We must hurry and stop it!


Dur: Yeah! Besides, when have we been wrong before! [Thinks] Errr... Don't answer that!=


Jerrick: Jeez no! We'd be here all day! [Quietly, to Darius] I blame Charlie.


Darius: Alright, you can go through.

[The party enter the champagne brunch, where most of the wedding guests are milling around. BRUNI spots the party and lights up.]

Bruni: [Gives them a wave] Goody! I was afraid that Darius was going to kill you!


Charlie: [Laughs uneasily] Fortunately, no! [Casually] Bruni, dear, I don't suppose you've seen a large vat of oil somewhere, have you?


Bruni: Actually, I've seen two!


Charlie: [Gasps and quickly looks around] Where?!


Darius: Get the hell out of my wedding!

Sven: She's telling the truth, Darius, there's something up.

Darius: [Rolls his eyes] Okay. So where will this attack take place?


Bruni: Well, one was in our bedroom last night. [Whispers] Darius likes a bit of oily wrestling before doing the business. I'd recommend it!

Alice: And where's the other one?

Bruni: Oh, some men were carrying the oil around the back entrance. [Laughs] Hehe! That's what she said!


Clint: That wouldn't be right outside, by any chance?

;;; Sorry about yesterday. Overslept a lot for some reason.


Bruni: Uh, yeah, it would. Come on, have some snakes' feet -- we had them imported specially.

;;; John did a major update to the log recently, if you haven't

;;; seen it today, I'd recommend a visit!


Mac: Snakes' feet? Snakes don't have feet!


Jerrick: Maybe later. We want to take a look at these vats of oil first. Do you know what they're for?


Charlie: Thank you, but we have no time for that now! [To the party, rushing for the back entrance] To the back entrance!

;;; Looks fantastic!! Well done, John!


Clint: That's what makes it a delicacy, Mac! Now let's go find this oil for the back entrance. Err, I mean at the back entrance.

;;; Agreed!


Bruni: Sure they do! They're just really, really small. That's why they're such a delicacy. Like fish hands, or bird penises. [To the Jerrick] I'm afraid not.

[The party rush away, leaving BRUNI alone.]

Bruni: Oh. [Waves after them] I'll see you later!

[The party get to the back entrance, and spot WINSTON WINSOME, LANCE LOTTS and BLAINE SHINE pouring oil all across the back of the hotel.]


Dur: [Trying to look menacing] Alright boys, time for some answers! What the hell is going on here!=


Jerrick: Yeah! Stop smothering oil over the back passage!

;;; Glad you like the new logger :)

;;; Let me know if you want anything changed


Charlie: Indeed! At best, you're making the pathway very slippery! And at worst, it's quite a fire hazard!


Winston: You gotta go away! You'll be killed!


Clint: And the people inside won't be? We can't let you morons do this!


Winston: Of course they will, but that's what we want!


Charlie: How ghastly! Why do you want to do that?!


Clint: Because they're crazy?


Winston: Because the Master wills it. [Takes out a box of matches]


Jerrick: Oh. A cult. Yay.


Charlie: [Tries to grab Winston] Stop him, group!!


Clint: You get used to the cult thing after a while, Jer. [Leaps at Winston to try to tackle him.]


Dur: You guys are giving us a pretty bad name! [Tries to cast Wind Wall {http://dungeons.wikia.com/wiki/SRD:Wind_Wall} between Winston and the oil] Or = at least worse than they already are!


Jerrick: Yeah! We don't need your help to look bad!


Mac: [Rushes back inside to find Derrick and convince him to come outside and see the lunatic trying to kill them all and we've been right all along]

;;; I had a good name till I joined with you lot!


Clint: Where's he running off to?

;;; Well, yeah. As I recall, you had someone else's! =)


Austin: [Nonchalantly looks at his nails] Probably running and hiding, I would say.

[MAC runs inside, but crashes headlong into the still naked ANTHONY PARKER.]

Winston: It's too late, whatever he's doing! [Lights a match, but it gets blown away] Gah! [Lights another match, which also gets blown away] Gah! [Lights a third match, it also gets blown away] Hey! That's really rude!


Jerrick: [Tries to wrestle the matches out of Winston's hands]


Mac: Sorry Anthony [Jumps back up and keeps looking for Darius]

;;; I typed I was searching for Derrick on my first post, a typo.

;;; I'm going to be posting sporadically today, as with most Fridays.


[JERRICK grabs the matches from WINSTON, and the two of them fall to the ground on the oil. Meanwhile, SVEN slashes at BLAINE with his sword, while ALICE dives at LANCE, who is so lubed up, he slips from her grip.]

Lance: No! You're not supposed to be here!


Charlie: [Tries to grab Winston] Stop before you kill us all!


Charlie: [To Lance] Why not? Who's protecting Alice?!


Lance: We are!


Jerrick: And why would you want to protect Alice?


Lance: Because the Master says so!


Charlie: And who is your Master?!


[From behind the three yellow tie guys come about a twenty more, all heavily armed.]

Lance: I am not fit to say his name. [To the ones behind] Kill them, kill them all, except Alice.

Blaine: Which one is Alice?


Charlie: We're ALL Alice!


Dur: Good one Chuck! Confuse them!


Alice: I'm not, I'm Mac!


Charlie: [To Dur] And didn't we see Alice inside, as well? [To Winston] You'd better not risk the fire. Who knows what the boss might do if you hurt Alice?!


Winston: Step away from the hotel! We need to burn it to the ground!

[Enter DARIUS, BRUNI and all the rest of the Knights, all heavily armed.]

Darius: No one messes with *my* wedding!


Jerrick: [To Darius] See? We told you there was something going on!


Charlie: [Relieved] Finally!


Mac: [Rushing out after the other Knights] Found... [deep breath] them...


Darius: Get them!

[The Knights charge at the Yellow Tie Guys. Everyone but the party seems to be heavily armed, so they hang back.]

Alice: [To the party] You know what this means, right?


Charlie: Yes! We've finally been vindicated, and our names have been cleared!


Dur: It means that no one is guarding the food? Perhaps we should make that...errr... Our job? [Licking his lips] .=


Jerrick: One less freaky cult trying to protect Alice?


Alice: Oh, I lose cults all the time! It's the food I was thinking about! Come on, Dur, let's gorge ourselves!


Dur: YAY! [Turns to rush the nearest buffet table]


Charlie: [Smiles fondly at Dur] Aw, look at his little face light up! [To the party] Come along, group! Let's feast! I should say we've earned it, after all we've been through!


[The party begin to gorge themselves on champagne and snakes feet. Enter COLONEL HARVEY KINGSTON-SHORT III, who stops when he sees the party, and beams with pride.]

Harvey: By the saints! I should have known that my trusty troop would lay on a feast for me!


Charlie: [Through a mouthful of snakes feet] Colonel! What a splendid surprise! Do join us!


Jerrick: Friend of yours?


Lat from John #127

Alice: He's our favourite Uncle!

Harvey: [Steps up to Jerrick, hand outstretched] Colonel Harvey Kingston Short III, of His Majesty's Fusileers, Retired.


Charlie: [Gesturing to Jerrick] Colonel, this is Mr. Adaar! He has been traveling with us of late and has proven to be a most helpful and loyal companion.


Jerrick: [Shakes Harvey's hand] So you've known these people for a long time? And you came back?


Harvey: [Shaking hands vigorously] That's right, what! [Laughs, but then looks bewildered] Eh?


Charlie: You're looking very well, Colonel! Are you fully recovered and ready to rejoin the group?


Dur: But you said he was too old to be of any real value to our efforts!


Charlie: [Scolding] Dur, how dare you misquote me! [To Harvey, soothingly] Colonel, I merely said that perhaps it was best that you retire, given your frailty and steadily worsening dementia.


Jerrick: So, what he said? [Gestures to Dur]


Charlie: [With a laugh] Hardly! I never suggested it was the merely the length of his years that renders him unfit, nor did I say he adds NO real value whatsoever. [Firmly] Now that that's settled, we really should make a plan to see who is behind these yellow tied attackers!


Harvey: [Booming out] By the Saints! It looks like I got back not a moment too soon, [blares at Charlie] not a moment too soon, young lady!


Mac: Good to see you back on your feet again Colonel. [To Charlie] Who's hot on cults? Someone always knows everything that's going on and we need to find that person and press them for information.


Jerrick: Even if anyone who calls Charlie 'young' must be a bit senile.


Charlie: [To Mac, ignoring Jerrick] No one comes to mind, but perhaps Grandmother would know. And no doubt the Willets-Carruthers Collection will be of some use, so we should perhaps visit Bodenringham Manor next. [Lightly] I need to drop into Apraxia to sign some paperwork, so that's on the way and rather convenient, as well.


Clint: I say we chase down that Phoebe creature and force a burger or three down her gullet.


Harvey: By the saints, Private Scar! If there are three burgers available for gullet stuffing, I shall be happy to provide my own!

;;; Happy Queens View-iversary to Kevin -- four

;;; years ago tomorrow, and we're still stuck with him!


Dur: Ummm... Gross! Wait... Are we still talking about food?

;;; 4 years!!! What the hell was I thinking!? I started the game in my mid-twenties and am slowing inching towards my early 30s! Speaking of=20

;;; anniversaries, are we STILL level 6? Daddy needs a new spell list!


;;; Going on 7 years for me! Queens View will make

;;; geezers of us all!!


Harvey: Of course we are! A few burgers, washed down with some freshly squeezed gullet? What else could a man wish for?


Clint: A whole bunch of things he probably shouldn't mention in front of impressionable young minds?


Mac: [Looking puzzled] Freshly squeezed gullet?

;;; I'm out most of this morning.


Jerrick: A nice stiff drink?


Austin : [Glances around] What impressionable young minds? Where? [Looks around hopefully]

;;;; busy day today!


Alice: They're all outside, killing Yellow Tie Guys!


Charlie: Do control yourself, Mr. Sleaze! You should be looking for a companion of a suitable age, not someone you can mold and control!

;;; Welcome back, Dom!


Austin : Well if I can find a beautiful angel demon that is thousands of years old I might give it a go.

;;;; thx!


Jerrick: Fussy aren't you? [To the Party] Well if we've saved the world yet again, why don't we celebrate with a few drinks?


[Enter DARIUS, sword drawn and covered in blood.]

Darius: No! No! No! [Sheaths his sword] We celebrate with a LOT of drinks!

;;; End of scene, next one coming right up


Austin : [Nods in agreement. Looks at Charlie] Indeed she is. Very fussy indeed.


[Book I, Act I, Scene IX. ALICE, AUSTIN, CHARLIE, CLINT, DUR, HARVEY, JERRICK and MAC are here, along with all the wedding guests, about to see DARIUS and BRUNI off. The Yellow Tie Guys have been defeated, and several of them are tied to the back of the wedding car, although the party have WINSTON tied up in their room. WINSTON had all of ALICE's and CHARLIE's belongings with him.]

Alice: So, how are we going to get it out of Winston who he works for?


Dur: Have we tried asking very nicely?


Alice: [Strokes her chin thoughtfully] Asking nicely, you say? Hm, just so crazy it might work.


Charlie: [To Winston, nicely] Could you tell us for whom you work? [Suddenly sinister] If not, we do have ways of making you talk.


Austin : [To Alice] You could try your new foreplay, the style you and Deuce were into?


Jerrick: We want this guy alive so he can talk, remember!


Harvey: By the Saints, Private Sleaze! Are you saying what I think you're saying about my dear niece? That she has taken up golf?

Winston: It doesn't matter what you do to me; whatever the master would do if I betrayed him would be much worse.


Charlie: Aha, so we've established your master is a man! Why did you steal my things? And Alice's?


Austin : [To Charlie, deadpan] Brillitant, you have almost solved it. [Searches Winston] Of course, it is a possibility that he is his own master.


Winston: I'll never talk! Never! Never!

Alice: He's kinda talking now, isn't he?


Austin : [Smirks] He certainly is. [Sarcastically to Charlie] I hope you are taking notes.

;;;; did Aus's search find anything?


Charlie: [Scribbling madly in a notepad] Of course I am! I shall be the first to document the existence of this yellow-tied cult. [To Winston] What does the yellow signify? Cowardice, perhaps?


Winston: I'm not going to say another word, and you'll never find a thing, not a thing!

[AUSTIN finds a map in WINSTON's back pocket. It is of a path up a mountain, but there isn't enough context to know where the mountain actually is.]

Alice: [Points to a shady looking character watching the proceedings, talking to the party] Hey, has anyone else noticed this guy?

[ALICE points out JEMYR FISHER, a rough looking man who's eating some snakes feet on biscuits.]


Charlie: [To Jemyr, warily] Hello there? Can we help you?


Jerrick: What in the hells is *he* doing here? [Louder] Jemyr! You not dead yet?!?


Jemyr: Jerrick! You son of a bitch! [Strides across the room and embraces Jerrick, only to be smashed over the head with a vase by Alice] Oh! What the hell did you do that for?

Alice: Sorry! I thought you were attacking him!

Jemyr: I'm not attacking him! Jerrick, tell her I'm not attacking you. [Rubs his head] Wow, that really hurt. I've got really bad headache now. [Thinks for a moment] And I think I'm slightly turned on.


Dur: [Cringes] Would you like some privacy?


Charlie: [To Alice, shocked] What would Deuce say?!


Jemyr: [Thinks for a moment, but then catches himself] No! What the hell is wrong with you? [To Jerrick] Jerrick, I think your friends are a bunch of weirdoes. [Smiles] It's good to see that you're keeping better company now!


Dur: Probably something along the lines of... "Who's Alice?"


Alice: He'd probably ask for some ham. Oh please! Just because we can make a sexy game of it doesn't mean that every reprobate I bash over the head is even remotely attractive. I mean, look at him! [To Jemyr] No offence, but really, look at you!


Clint: So Jer, who's this guy?


Jerrick: [To Jemyr] I concur. I'd like to point out that you get used to them, but I'd be lying. The question stands though - by now you should have died from an infection you caught from a whore, been killed for not paying for that whore, or been killed for cheating at cards, or just generally died somehow - explain yourself! [To Clint] He's your kind of guy Clint!

;;; Sorry everyone! Helluva day at work!


Charlie: [Primly] I'm sorry, but we haven't any room in the group for another of your sort. Two is quite enough. [Pleasantly] Though you are welcome to feast with us before we part ways!


Jemyr: [Looks Charlie up and down with an admiring grin] Wow! I wouldn't have had you down as a whoring card cheater! [To Jerrick] I'm afraid that I've got some bad news; you're probably going to wanna come home to check it out.


Clint: Haw! Ignore her. I do. Anyway... [turns to Winston] what's the map for? Don't make me sic Alice on you!


Winston: Hey! The man has just had some bad news! Don't be so damned insensitive!


Charlie: [To Jemyr] Oh, dear! What's happened? Is there something we can help with?


Jemyr: There's a money lender involved, by the name of Mucus Mucusson. He's not as nice as he sounds.


Jerrick: [To Charlie] Weren't you paying attention? He's probably from an infection he caught from a... Wait a minute. [To Jemyr] Whaddya mean I should come home? What's going on?


Clint: And beating the [big emphasis] snot out of him didn't solve anything?


Jemyr: Many have tried, but this guy just keeps on running.


Jerrick: And, anyway, why would his enemies want him to have clear sinuses? Alright Jemyr, you should probably start at the beginning.


Jemyr: I'll start at the end -- it's your little sister, she's in trouble with him.


Jerrick: Jemima? What sort of trouble? She borrowed money of this guy?


Jemyr: Not exactly, although he did make a deposit.


Charlie: [To Jemyr, wrinkling her nose] I take it you mean that as a euphemism for unplanned pregnancy?


Jemyr: [Nods his head sadly] I'm afraid so. [To Jerrick] I think you'd better get back, buddy.


Jerrick: Oh, aye, and then there'll be hell to pay!


Dur: If you need a good doctor for your sister, I'll only charge half my usual fee!=


Charlie: [Gasps at Dur's offer] Oh, Mr. Adaar, whatever you decide to do, don't do THAT! Hasn't the poor girl suffered enough?!


Jerrick: [To Dur] Charlie's right. However, if you were to charge only a third then we could talk...


Alice: Don't be silly, Charlie! What he means is that he can recommend a good doctor. [Thinks] Although what are the chances that he actually knows one? Hm. [Turns to Dur] Leave the poor girl alone!

Winston: Right, well, it sounds like you guys have your hands full with this whole mucus situation, so I'll be off.


Clint: Not so fast! We'll just leave you with Darius and let *him* figure out what to do with you. Now, to find half a sandwich to pay the doc's medical bills, and then we can go see to Jer's new nephew!


Jerrick: A third of a sandwich, remember!


Dur: Plus my usual 'finder's fee.' That's what I call it when I 'find' any left over pieces I couldn't fit back in after surgery! [Licks his lips] Mmm= m Mmmm! Dur's Mystery Stew!


Mac: [Sarcastically] With a service like that I wonder how they ever had the nerve to take your license away.


Dur: You need a liscense to cook stew?


Alice: Hey! Wait a minute! Now, I'm concerned about the big snotty deposit left with Jerrick's sister, but surely we want to find out what this guy is up to? He did steal all my underpants, after all!


Jerrick: [To Mac] You have a point - maybe they gave him a license so they could take it away. [To the Party] Thanks for the offers, but I think I need to go take care of this alone. Family's involved, and I may have to do something to this guy that you lot don't want to see.


Clint: [Sighs.] Fine. You. Tie boy. Talk or we'll feed you some of Dur's mystery stew!


Charlie: [To Winston, ominously] That is, if you don't become the stew itself! [To Jerrick] Mr. Adaar, we shall miss you, but family must come first, after all! Do stay in touch, etc.


Jerrick: Yeah. And I'll miss you. Kinda. I guess. [To Jemyr] Alright, let's go.


Mac: [Waiving in Jerrick's general direction] Have fun sailor boy. [To Charlie] Why can't he both be in the stew and eat it? It only takes a limb to make the stew, right Dur?


Charlie: Excellent point, Mac! [To Winston] Feeling chatty now?!


Jerrrick: [To Jemyr] Yeah, weirdoes. Let's get out of here, eh?

;;; Off home.



Winston: Not especially, although I am feeling a little peckish!


Clint: [Looks around for a butter knife.] Well, you will be when we finish, anyway!


Austin : [To Winston] Talk or we shall get Alice to wax your legs! [Shudders at the thought]


Harvey: You really shouldn't threaten a prisoner with this kind of treatment. There are codes and rules to follow, what? Hmmm?


Austin : [To Harvey] Indeed Colonel, but those rules to not prevent the administration beauty care, as far as I recall.


Harvey: Hmmmph, I might hesitate to call such things a form of 'care', but you are the lawyer, my good man, so I shall bow to your superior expertise, what? [To Mac, booming] Ah! Well if it isn't the one and only Mac Brindleworth! How are you, young fellow?!? Keeping busy Watching, eh? [Attempts to give Mac a hearty slap on the shoulder]


Mac: Well actually, it's just Mac. Amacus Brindleworthy to be truthful. [Braces for the hearty slap]


Harvey: [Pauses mid-slap, shocked] You're *not* Mac Brindleworth? [Furious] Who are you and what have you done with *our* Mac? I demand you tell me this instant!


Mac: I am your Mac. There was some, confusion, when we were first introduced. I was never Mac Brindleworth, but the council thought I was and I kinda just went along with them.

;;; Out for a few hours.


Harvey: [Blinks, confused] You mean to say you weren't Mac Brindleworth all along? By the saints, that's extraordinary! How remarkable! [Stomach rumbles] Hmmph, oh well, that's life I suppose. [To the Party] Are we going to eat or what, hmm?


Charlie: [To Harvey] Well, we have been eating, almost continuously, for quite some time now, Colonel! And now we must, er, [sighs] rally the so-called [finger quotes] troop and give these yellow-tied villains bally hell and so forth! [To Harvey, gently] Did that make the plan comprehensible to you? I know you DO get confused at times.

;;; Welcome back, Harvey! : )

;;; Jerrick, you will be missed!


Alice: We just have, Uncle Harvey! Now we're about to leave! Should we wax this guy's legs first?

Winston: [Shrugs] Makes no difference to me, I did it myself just this morning!


Harvey: [To Charlie and Alice] Of course, my dears! However, we should bring supplies for the mission, and so forth. [Wagging his finger at Charlie in a slightly patronising way] A well supplied force is an effective one, what what?


Charlie: But, Colonel, if we wait until your appetite is completely sated, we'll never leave! [To the party, firmly] Group, gather up food for the road, and we will depart at once. [To Winston] We shall just have to take you with us, I suppose!


Harvey: Splendid! [To Winston] Would you like to hear some of my war stories, what what?


Austin : [Frowns at Winston] I suppose we doo need something to sit on. [To Harvey] Colonel, may I take this opportunity to say how greatful we all are that you have returned. The party has been rather chaotic what with having no leadership since you left. [Straightens his left cuff carefully] Personally I suspect that Winston here is working for our old enemy, Trindle.


Charlie: [Huffily, to Harvey] Colonel, I think you'll find we have done rather well in your absence, saving the world from gross imbalance and all of that! [Quick smile at Harvey] Not that I am not delighted to have you back in the group. Under my leadership.


Last from Heather 61

Harvey: [To Austin] Of course, my good man, of course. Friends reunited, the old group forging forth once more, and all that! [To Charlie] Of course, my dear, under your leadership. When it is, hmmm, appropriate, that is, when the situation does not require, hmmm, experience and ah, a clear head. A focused mind should be at the core of any troop, and this one [Taps his forehead] is as focused as.... [Blinks, confused] What was I saying again? [Spots a tray of snakes feet] Ooh, food - by the saints I am famished!


Alice: [Takes Harvey's arm] You were saying that Austin and Charlie have to stop their bitching at each other if we're to defeat evil!

[Exit ALL, loaded down with snakes feet.]

;;; End of Book VIII, Act I. Next one coming right up