01.01.001

[Book VII, Act I, Scene I. The Carriage. ALICE, CHARLIE, CLINT, DUR, FRED, GALAVAN and HARVEY are here, lying in freezing cold water in an upside down carriage.]

Alice: [Leaps awake with a start] What the hell? [Looks around] Hey! And they say that I'm a bad driver! [Starts trying to wake the others] Come on!

01.01.002

Charlie: [Gasps and awakes, shivering violently] I'm alive?! What a horrid dream! [Looks around] Or was it? How very disorienting! Are you quite well, Alice?? [Urgently tries to rouse some of the others with a gentle shake]

01.01.002

Fred: [Awakes gagging and coughing, clutching his throat.] Hack! I will -ERHEM!- destroy you all! No... wait a minute... [Cough] What happened?

01.01.003

Alice: I wouldn't say quite well, but some how alive, in spite of Clint's awful driving! [Tries to rouse Harvey]

01.01.004

Harvey : [Eyes snap open] Crocoldiles! [Blinks in confusion for a few moments] By the saints! I say troop, what the blue blazes is going on!

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01.01.005

[CLINT and DUR begin to stir too, although there's no move from GALAVAN.]

Alice: We're sinking! We gotta get out of here!

01.01.007

Harvey : [Attempts to push the door open with Fred] One, two, three, heave,what!

Version 1 Software Ltd, T/A Version 1, is a limited company registered in Ireland Registered Office: Jervis House, Jervis Street, Dublin 1, Ireland Belfast Office: The Mount Business Centre, 2 Woodstock Link, Belfast BT6 8DD Tel NI: +44 28 90 730156 Registration No: 257302

01.01.007

Charlie: [To Clint] Mr. Scar, what a relief! Could you assist him? [nods to Galavan] Hurry, group! We must get out of this carriage! [Tries to help Fred with the door]

01.01.008

Lat from Heather #7

[Between them, FRED and CHARLIE push the door open, causing the carriage to sink faster, but making way for everyone to get out. TED EVERYMAN, who the party met in the previous act, appears, clearly on the carriage looking in. He is holding a rope.]

Ted: Wow! Are you guys okay? [Hands in the rope]

01.01.009

Dur: [Still terrified from the water] Do we look all right to you?! Hey, what's the rope for?

01.01.010

Ted: Tying up chickens. [Pause] Oh, you mean, why do I have it now? In case anyone needs help getting out!

01.01.011

Charlie: [To Ted] Yes, please help!

01.01.012

Dur: [Peeks back into the carriage] Uh oh. Gal ain't moving. Quick, someoneget me a stick so I can poke him with it!

01.01.012

[TED throws in the rope, which ALICE ties around GALAVAN's neck. With a bit of pushing and shoving, soon everyone is out on top of the upturned carriage.]

Alice: [As she climbs out] I hope those HARMA idiots aren't still chasing us, are they?

Ted: Uh, I think they might have other things on their hands right now.

[The place looks like a war zone. There are many buildings with multiple fires burning in them, several carriages in the water, dozens of crashed carriages around the streets and dazed looking people wandering all over the place. And lots of dead birds.]

Alice: Yeah? Like what?

Ted: There are many buildings with multiple fires burning in them, several carriages in the water, dozens of crashed carriages around the streets and dazed looking people wandering all over the place. And lots of dead birds.

Alice: [Looks around] Holy crap!

01.01.013

Alice: [Hands Dur her poking stick] I think he's still alive -- just barely.

01.01.014

Dur: [Pokes Galavan with the stick] I'm the doctor here and I will be the judge of that! [Pokes him again]


;;; I have a meeting in about 20 minutes that will keep me out of the loop for the rest of the day, but it is good to be back everyone!

01.01.015

Alice: [Defensively] Hey! I said I was only barely thinking about it!

[GALAVAN gives a low groan.]


;;; Agreed! Happy New Year everyone!

01.01.016

Charlie: [To Ted] What has caused all of this chaos?!

01.01.017

Fred: Reminds me of my twelfth birthday hangover... [To Ted] I didn't have anything to do with this, did I?

01.01.018

Ted: [To Charlie] I don't know! I was walking along the street carrying a bunch of chickens, watching you guys make your escape, and suddenly I fainted or something, and when I woke up, the place looked like this!

Alice: Why would a bunch of chickens be watching our escape?

Ted: They're really political.

01.01.019

Harvey : How odd! [Looks around the party] Did everyone here fall asleep I wonder? The entire town, chickens and all?

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01.01.020

Alice: It could account for all the carnage if it happened all of a sudden.

Ted: True, but those damned chickens were gone by the time I realised what had happened -- and I think one of them had taken my wallet!

01.01.021

ns were gone by the time I realised=0A> what had happened -- and I think one of them had taken my wallet!=0A=0AClint: Or maybe the people rose up in r= ebellion against their evil HARMA masters... and their avian allies!=0A=0A=0A

01.01.022

Fred: Still doesn't account for everyone spontaneously falling asleep. There's sorcery afoot and I don't like it one bit.

01.01.023

t.=0A=0AClint: [Shrugs.] They got hit on the head by the dead birds? [Pauses.] Say, are you thinking what I'm thinking? With everyone in town asleep= , this is our chance to find those HARMA assholes and... rig the election in a newer, better way!=0A=0A=0A

01.01.024

Alice: That's a great idea, Clint! At least, it would have been if you had it before we fell asleep, and if we weren't asleep when everyone else was, and if HARMA didn't have all those chickens working for them!

[TOMPARS comes into view, and spots the party.]

Tompars: There they are! I bet they're involved in this!

01.01.025

Charlie: [To Tompars] I should say not! We are just as taken aback by this turn of events as you pretend to be!

01.01.025

Fred: Oh by all the-! That is it! I have had it with this guy! [Reaches for his axe.] I will destroy you!

01.01.026

[Fortunately for TOMPARS, he's out of reach, and fortunately for the party, TOMPARS and the other HARMA goons are on the opposite side of the river.]

Tompars: Oh yeah? Well, I'm really really taken aback!

Ted: [To the party] Come on, you can hide out in my place.

01.01.027

Fred: [Draws his axe back as if to throw it, then reconsiders and shouts to Tompars.] Mark my words, Tompars! Your doom will be at my hands for your continuous inconveniencing of us! [To Ted] Rrr, all right then. It had better be an improvement over our previous hiding places, though.

01.01.028

Harvey : Why, that sounds just wonderful! A place to stay and a fine roast chicken dinner for all to enjoy!

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01.01.028

will be at my=0A> hands for your continuous inconveniencing of us! [To Ted] Rrr, all=0A> right then. It had better be an improvement over our previou= s hiding=0A> places, though.=0A=0AClint: Preferably with cheap food, stale bear, and easy women!=0A=0A=0A=0A

01.01.029

Ted: Hey, two out of three isn't bad! [To Harvey] No roast chicken, though, I'm afraid, they're probably half way to Panama by now.

[TED quickly leads the party back onto the bank and through a number of small streets, until they arrive at a fairly nondescript house which they enter.]

Ted: [Shows the party into a sitting room] Hang on a few minutes, folks, and I'll get you some clothes.

Alice: [Looking around at all the pictures of chickens and at the chicken themed wallpaper] Well, that was weird, wasn't it? Everyone and every chicken losing consciousness?

01.01.030

Fred: Indeed. I also had the most ominous dream warning me to lay off my chivalrous ways. [Rubs his throat.]

01.01.031

Alice: [Looks startled] Huh! I had a dream too, in which I was killed! [Gives a shiver] It was the most realistic one I've ever had. [Thinks for a moment] Well, other than punching Borge Jush in the face, but that was more of an aspiration than a real sleeping dream. What happened in yours?

01.01.032

Charlie: I dreamt of my death, as well! How peculiar. Perhaps it was our shared near-death experience playing tricks in our minds, like those dreams that integrate external sounds into the dream because the mind cannot process them normally due to the lack of visual cues and clues to provide context?

01.01.033

Fred: Nah, I think eldritch powers are involved. I dreamt that I was conversing with some rich guy, I think it was about a book, "Tabula Rasa." Then I see a woman being accosted and I move to aid her, only to be stabbed in the throat from the side by some random man shouting "For-" Er... "Dale-"... "Darling Apple," or "Dale Imple." Or something. Some peculiar word...

01.01.034

Alice: If that was the case, Charlie, maybe we'd all have had the same dream? There were no apples in mine, darling or otherwise. In fact, I was in Uncle Harvey's house in Queens View, and saw Harvey Jr. there, dead!

01.01.035

Harvey : [Gasps] That's a terrible thing to dream of, dear niece! Just terrible! So troop, did we all have one of these doom laden dreams?

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01.01.036

Alice: [Nods] It all felt very real. I was walking into your house, with my sword drawn, and went upstairs to the balcony. I remember noticing that the view looked wrong -- where Teassa's Tea Shoppe should be there was a big HARMA building, although the logo looked slightly different. Next thing someone grabbed me from behind and garroted me! [Feels her neck] Then I woke up in the water.

01.01.037

Dur: [Grumpily] Well I didn't have any profound dreams!

01.01.038

Alice: Think yourself lucky! [Looks around] So, Charlie, me and Fred all dreamt that we'd die, what about the others? [To Fred] And you were reading a book about tables with a rich guy?

01.01.039

Harvey : By the saints, dear niece, you've just jogged my memory! I also remember that Teassa's Tea Shoppe had been turned into a Harma monstrosity!

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01.01.040

Alice: [Looks worried] You know, I bet HARMA are just crap at making creamy cakes! I sure hope Teassa stays in business!

01.01.041

ness!=0A=0AClint: [Shrugs.] I, uh... was chased across the rooftops of Dementia by a killer clown, and then I slipped on a dead bird (there were a lot= of those), didn't make the jump across the road, some jerk threw me onto aspiky fence and I got all impaled and crap, and then Peter Deadpan said so= mething stupid, and then I woke up.=0A=0A=0A

01.01.042

Dur: Am I the only one who DIDN'T have a dream?! Am I not good enough?!

=20

01.01.043

Alice: Sh! The good people are talking! [To Clint] Killer Clown, eh? That certainly sounds scary! What does this all mean, I wonder?

01.01.044

Fred: Well, I'm not jumping to the aid of any damsels in distress any time soon, I shall tell you that! [Looks at Alice and Charlie pointedly.]

01.01.045

Charlie: A book appeared in mine, as well! It wasn't about tables, but rather entitled Tabula Rasa! [To Alice, explaining] That means, loosely translated, a new beginning! Not, as some might have imagined, something to do with tables.

01.01.045

and Charlie=0A> pointedly.]=0A=0AClint: And I'm not jumping from an icy roof covered with dead birds across an alley to the next building, either! E= ven if there is a killer clown chasing me.=0A=0A=0A=0A

01.01.046

Alice: [To Fred] Don't look at me! Blame whatever floosie you were chasing in your dream! [Thinks for a moment] Huh, so both you and Fred were reading the same book? What was it? Were there any tables in it?

01.01.047

Charlie: [Unhappily] I wasn't able to read it, but perhaps I could do a bit of research on that title and learn more. [To Clint] What did Peter Deadpan say to you? Perhaps "Tabula Rasa"?

01.01.048

Alice: If you didn't have to read it, it can't have been that bad a dream! [To the party] Am I right? Am I? [Gets frustrated] Oh, come on! No one likes reading!

[Enter TED with a box of clothes, which he puts in the middle of the room.]

Ted: Here we go, I think there's something here to fit everyone. [Takes out a wedding dress which he hands to Alice] Here, this looks about your size. [Takes out another wedding dress, before turning to Clint] We might need to take it in a bit, but I think this should fit you just fine.

01.01.048

A0 [To Clint] What did=0A> Peter Deadpan say to you? Perhaps "Tabula Rasa"?=0A=0AClint: [Shakes his head.] Naw. Some babble... Uhh... [Mutterin= g now.] Male in equus rectum? Malem equals rector? [Concentrates real hard.] Right! "Malem nequitus reluctor."=0A=0A=0A

01.01.049

Alice: [Leaning over to see past the dress] Huh, Peter Deadpan made a remark about your rectum? Did anyone else hear anything like that?

01.01.050

ything like that?=0A=0AClint: [Looks at the wedding dress with considerabledistaste.] You want me to wear what?! [Cracks his knuckles ominously.] = 0A=0A;;; poor Clint with his clown nightmares and his wedding dress and his =0A;;; Peter Deadpan and the horse's ass!=0A=0A=0A

01.01.051

Ted: [Disappointed] Oh. Don't you like the colour?

01.01.052

Charlie: [Cheerily, observing Clint's unhappiness] Oh, let him have his off-white, if it will comfort him to think that others will assume that is an external indicator of his lack of chastity!

01.01.053

Ted: Did I hear you guys saying that you had weird dreams while everyone was unconscious?

01.01.054

Harvey : Indeed so, sir! Indeed so! Now usually I'd put that down to an overconsumption of cheese, but this was quite, quite different! Portentous, ev= en!

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01.01.054

Charlie: Why, yes! Did you as well?

01.01.055

Ted: As a matter of fact I did! It was terrifying, and, to make matters worse, all of you were in it, discussing something called "Malem nequitus reluctor."

01.01.056

Harvey: I say, that phrase certainly rings a bell! That was something from my dream also!

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01.01.057

Charlie: How extraordinary! [Ponders a moment and then announces] "Evil cannot resist!" Cannot resist what, I wonder? This surely does not bode well!

01.01.058

Fred: Unless, of course, it means that HARMA, being evil, ultimately cannot resist our efforts in destroying them. Or this could be a machination of HARMA, who view us as evil and therefore it is we who cannot resist.

01.01.059

Ted: [Looking a little pale] In my dream, we were having this exact conversation, and a man came in through the door and threw an axe at me, striking me right in the chest.

01.01.060

Harvey: It was just a dream, fellow! A very odd one though, it must be admitted. Can't pay too much heed to them though!

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01.01.061

Charlie: [To Ted, soothingly] Yes, don't let it worry you! The odds remain good that you will meet your death in an entirely less horrible way!

01.01.062

Dur: [Crossing his arms grumpily] Besides, I didn't have a dream at all so these are most likely just mere coincidences!=20

01.01.062

Ted: [Relieved] Thank Phili! It seemed so real, and this [gestures to the room] so similar, why, I half expect someone to come in right this minute.

[Everyone turns and looks, but nothing happens.]

Ted: [Gives a nervous laugh] Well, maybe not! So anyway, back to Malem Nequitus Reluctor, maybe it means-

[Enter DARIUS, holding a small axe, which he throws at TED, striking him right in the chest.]


;;; Away for the day, back on Monday!

01.01.063

Fred: Huh. Now that is interesting. [To Darius] Nice throw by the way.

01.01.064

ted!=0A=0A=0A

01.01.065

Harvey : [Shocked] For goodness sakes, why can't you make an ordinary entrance like everyone else!

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01.01.066

Darius: Because then you wouldn't know that his dream came true.

01.01.067

Charlie: [To Darius, scolding] Surely you could have found a nicer way to make that point! [Hesitates] Wait, what do you mean? That these dreams will all come true? But didn't we all DIE in our dreams?

01.01.068

Alice: [Horrified] I certainly did!

Darius: [Somewhat smugly] I certainly did. [Looks around] Nice dresses.

01.01.069

Fred: Well that just about does it. I can't believe I'm going to die for some wench. [Crosses arms and sulks.]

01.01.070

Darius: [Pours out a drink for himself] Well, what are you going to do about it?

01.01.071

Charlie: I hardly think our respective fates are sealed, so to speak. Time isn't fixed, you know! [To Darius] Surely YOU don't intend to await your death placidly?

01.01.072

Dur: Perhaps, but as this groups physician I have long suspected that you would all die horribly gruesome deaths so at least these dreams support that= hypothesis.

01.01.072

Darius: [Shrugs] Why not? [Looks into space as he thinks] In bed, ninety nine years old, getting a blow job from my 21 year old wife... there are worse ways to go.


;;; Colin's out today

Harvey: By the saints! What about those of us who's end seems closer?

Darius: Hey, she's only 21 by the time I'm 99, she's probably not even bornyet!

01.01.073

Alice: Hey! That's right! If Dur thinks we're going to die a horribly gruesome death, then we probably won't, hurrah!

01.01.073

Charlie: Not YOU, selfish brute! My death seemed uncomfortably close!

01.01.074

Darius: I don't know, I suppose you should figure out when these deaths will happen, or maybe what caused everyone to have those visions.

01.01.075

Fred: Quite right. Charlie, your sulking ways are entirely missing the more important mystery, namely that everyone, at least in this area, suddenly fell asleep at the same time and had to endure disturbing prophetic dreams. Have you made enemies of powerful wizards lately?

01.01.076

Harvey: By the saints, Private! You have been with us long enough to know that we make powerful enemies every day!

Alice: Maybe it's something to do with those Custos Clementines? After all, Genesis seemed pretty cocky right before it happened, and seemed to know it was about to happen.


;;; She's referring to the end of:

;;; <A href=http://queens-view.com/Scripts/06.12.html> Book VI, Act XII </A>

01.01.077

0A> Alice: Maybe it's something to do with those Custos Clementines? After=0A> all, Genesis seemed pretty cocky right before it happened, and seemed= 0A> to know it was about to happen.=0A=0AClint: Yeah, my bet's on those bastards. But what I want to know is what the hell all the dead birds have t= o do with anything. [Sagely.] It's weird crap like that that's always the key to figuring out what's going on.=0A=0A=0A=0A

01.01.078

Alice: What I want to know is when it's going to happen! I know from mine that Teassa's Tea Shoppe in Queens View has been replaced with some HARMA monstrosity, and that there was a picture of some of us standing in front of a volcano there.

01.01.079

Charlie: [To Alice] You were in mine, as was the Colonel. [Thinks] Mine was in winter, I believe. It was cold enough for us to see our breath in the night air.

01.01.080

Alice: Hm, mine was at night, but not that cold, and I didn't see any of you, although I was looking for Harvey.

01.01.081

Charlie: [Unhappily] Am I the first to go? [To the group] What about the rest of you?

01.01.082

Fred: [Thinks hard.] Nnnooo... No clues as to when my dream happens. No, wait, we were sitting outside a cafe, so it must have been during a warm season, summer or late spring. Or in a warm climate. [Shrugs]

01.01.083

Alice: And you were reading the same book as Charlie? Maybe we should find that book? Find the book and we'll find the answer!

Darius: Not if they're relying on you to read it, they won't.

01.01.084

Charlie: [To Darius] Have you come here for any particular reason, or do you just enjoy randomly committing murder from time to time?

01.01.085

Dur: Besides, wouldn't finding the book be the first step in fulfilling theprophecies of the dreams? If you believe all that hype. [Scoffs]

01.01.086

Darius: You better believe. [Gestures to Ted] Your friend here is proof that the prophecies will come true... [looks at Charlie] unless, of course, someone gives you a friendly tip on someone who could help you make sense of it all.

01.01.086

Fred: Huh. That is actually a disturbingly good point, not the least because of who thought of it. It could make the dreams self-fulfilling prophecies, in that they become true only because of our efforts to avoid them.

01.01.087

Alice: Don't encourage him Fred, if he thinks he had a good idea, we'll never get him to shut up!

01.01.087

Fred: [To Darius] But we don't know anyone who could give us a friendly tip on someone who could help us make sense of it all! Do we?

01.01.088

Darius: Probably not.

Alice: [To Valur] He's often like this, trying to tease-

Darius: Hey! Let me finish! [To Valur] She's often like this, trying to make people look-

Alice: Hey! Let ME finish!

Darius: Alright, what were you going to say?

Alice: Uh, I've forgotten.

Darius: [To Valur] Dr. Beard is who you want. He's an expert in Weirdology.

01.01.089

Charlie: [Excited] Dr. Harry Beard?! [Pauses] Though it's a bit uncharitable to call Teratology [finger quotes] "Weirdology."

01.01.089

to say?=0A> =0A> Alice: Uh, I've forgotten.=0A> =0A> Darius: [To Valur] Dr.Beard is who you want. He's an=0A> expert in Weirdology.=0A=0AClint: And i= s he one of those moustache freaks?=0A=0A=0A=0A

01.01.090

Darius: No, he doesn't have a moustache, he has no beard. [To Charlie] Yes, he's Harry Beard. He lives nearby. I've drawn you a map. [Hands over a piece of paper that is clearly torn off a children's menu from the local "DacMonalds" restaurant, with a maze as one of the activities.]

01.01.091

wn you a map. [Hands=0A> over a piece of paper that is clearly torn off a children's menu from=0A> the local "DacMonalds" restaurant, with a maze as o= ne of the=0A> activities.] =0A=0AClint: "Harry Beard?" This guy was picked on a lot as a kid, wasn't he? [To Charlie.] Better give the map to someone= who can actually read one, Sarge. So, not a broad.=0A=0A=0A=0A

01.01.092

Alice: Hey! I can do it! [Looks at the map and frowns] Now, are we *at* the big hamburger? Or going to it?

01.01.093

Charlie: [To Darius, looking at the map] Are we to understand Dr. Beard lives in a labyrinth? How eccentric of him! [To Alice, explaining] Perhaps he has become one of those embittered scientists who can no longer bear the glaring spotlight of fame? [Sighs] It certainly is tempting at times to find a quiet little retreat to get away from one's fans.

01.01.094

Alice: You mean like that guy who tried to blow himself up after hearing your speech?

01.01.095

y.] Sorry, Chuck, but nerds don't get fans. They get other nerds, which isan entirely different thing!=0A=0A=0A=0A

01.01.096

Alice: And together they make more nerds, who in turn produce more nerds. It's all very depressing.

01.01.097

Charlie: [To Darius, ignoring Alice and Clint] This map appears to be mass-produced. Why on earth would Dr. Beard build a sanctuary at the center of a labyrinth, only to provide maps to help hoards of people reach him? Where can we find Dr. Beard, [emphasis] really?

01.01.098

Harvey : Well, that map looks startlingly close to a treasure map I purchased one night in a tavern many years ago. Cost me a small fortune at the tim= e. Never did find the treasure, either!

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01.01.099

Alice: Ah, the map that Daddy sent that expedition off to find? Where half of them were eaten by tigers? Some of the trampled by elephants and others charged down by angry, drunk rhino? [Thinks for a moment] Funny how the map seemed to take them right through the zoo, wasn't it? And what were they thinking giving whiskey to the rhino? Everyone knows they prefer beer.

Darius: Really? Oh, fair enough. He's over on Blue Street, about two blocks from here, and lives in number 205. You better hurry, though, others might be looking for him too.

01.01.100

Fred: [Stands up.] Let's go then! Nothing like a good stint of aggressive interrogation to shake the willies out of you!

01.01.101

Charlie: [To the party] To Blue Street, group! [Starts walking toward Blue Street]

01.01.102

Alice: Hang on a sec, Charlie, shouldn't we change? You know, Ted is dead, after all, and probably won't be using any of the clothes in his house, and, although I like wearing a wedding dress as much as the next guy [looks at Fred] we should probably see if we can find something that stands out less. Also, we should take all his money, booze and weapons.


;;; The party can search his house and find anything reasonable, just say

;;; what it is you have/are wearing. Incredibly, everyone can find something

;;; to their taste and size!

01.01.103

[The party dash around picking up clothes and a variety of weapons, as well as a small amount of gold each.]

Alice: [Dressed in reasonably conservative clothes, and holding a lamp in the shape of an adorable white kitten with a big blue bow] Right! I've got my stuff. Are the rest of you ready?


;;; Just say what your character picked up in your next post and we

;;; can move on

01.01.104

Charlie: [Dressed in a ill-fitting navy blue suit with garish gold buttons] Well, I suppose this is better than the dress, at any rate [fidgets uncomfortably] . [Eyes Alice's lamp] Really, I can't see why you'd feel compelled to carry that absurd lamp with you! A torch would be much more prac-- [squeals and dashes over to a desk] --oh, look! It's the dearest little paperweight, shaped like a sleeping cat! [Shows the bronze paperweight to the party excitedly] This will add just the right dash of whimsy to my desk at the university!

01.01.105


;;; Colin's still out?

Harvey: [Coming from the direction of the kitchen, dressed in a shiny tracksuit, that is weighed down by various foodstuffs in the pockets] By the saints! What is going on here, Troop? Looting? [Takes a bite out of a leg of chicken]

01.01.106

Fred: [Barging in from a side room, wearing earth-coloured outdoors clothing and a massive, black fur cloak that looks suspiciously like it was recently used as a rug, his axe jutting conspicuously out from behind his shoulder, carrying an armful of silverware and munching on a muffin, which falls out as he speaks.] Looting? Where? Why was I not informed?

01.01.107

Harvey : You just have been, what!

Version 1 Software Ltd, T/A Version 1, is a limited company registered in Ireland Registered Office: Jervis House, Jervis Street, Dublin 1, Ireland Belfast Office: The Mount Business Centre, 2 Woodstock Link, Belfast BT6 8DD Tel NI: +44 28 90 730156 Registration No: 257302

01.01.108

Fred: [Thinks for a moment.] Right! I'll... uh... get to it then... [Rushes back into the room where he came from. The sounds of furniture falling over, chinaware breaking and a cat yowling can be heard from the room as he ransacks the place.]

01.01.109

sounds of furniture=0A> falling over, chinaware breaking and a cat yowlingcan be heard from=0A> the room as he ransacks the place.]=0A=0AClint: [Wan= ders in wearing a black crushed velvet leisure suit.] I feel ridiculous! [Tucks a box of cigars and a couple of bottles of whiskey into a sack, and h= efts a weighted table leg.] But at least we're ready to go!=0A=0A=0A=0A

01.01.110

Last from Tom

Alice: Let's go get some answers!

[Exit the party.]

Darius: [After they've left] Huh! They left all the wedding dresses. What kind of looters are they! [Grabs a huge handful of them]


;;; end of scene. Next one

;; in about 30 mind

01.02.001

[Book VII, Act I, Scene II. Outside Number 205, Blue Street. ALICE, CHARLIE, CLINT, DUR, FRED and HARVEY are here. The journey to the house was uneventful, but it is clear that most people they passed are very freaked out. There are a number of fires still burning, and any HARMA types on the street seem more preoccupied with sorting them out than looking for the party. ALICE knocks on the door, and, after a good minute or so, knocks again.]

Alice: [To the party] Maybe Darius was lying and this is all a plot to get us in trouble?

01.02.002

EY are here. The journey to the house was uneventful, but it is =0A> clear that most people they passed are very freaked out. There are a =0A> number = of fires still burning, and any HARMA types on the street seem more =0A> preoccupied with sorting them out than looking for the party. ALICE knocks > = on the door, and, after a good minute or so, knocks again.]=0A> =0A> Alice: [To the party] Maybe Darius was lying and this is all a plot to=0A> get us= in trouble?=0A=0AClint: Now what are the odds of that, Bimbo? Darius has always been so reliable before! [Hefts his table leg experimentally and tu= gs uncomfortably at the lacy cravat on his new clothes.] =0A=0A=0A=0A

01.02.003

Alice: Fair enough. [Steps back] Maybe someone should kick in the door?

01.02.004

Harvey : [Raps loudly on the door with his chicken leg] I say there, chop chop! People here needing entry, what!

Version 1 Software Ltd, T/A Version 1, is a limited company registered in Ireland Registered Office: Jervis House, Jervis Street, Dublin 1, Ireland Belfast Office: The Mount Business Centre, 2 Woodstock Link, Belfast BT6 8DD Tel NI: +44 28 90 730156 Registration No: 257302

01.02.005

int: [Eagerly steps in front of Fred.] My pleasure, Bimbo! [Flexes his door kicking foot and gives the door a solid booting.] Gawd, I love this!=0A= =0A=0A=0A

01.02.007

Harvey : And where did he get a model ship that size to put in it? [Harvey steps towards the room]

Version 1 Software Ltd, T/A Version 1, is a limited company registered in Ireland Registered Office: Jervis House, Jervis Street, Dublin 1, Ireland Belfast Office: The Mount Business Centre, 2 Woodstock Link, Belfast BT6 8DD Tel NI: +44 28 90 730156 Registration No: 257302

01.02.007

Last from Tom 6

[The door flies open revealing an empty hallway. There are three doors leading off, one of which is a jar.]

Alice: [looking at the jar] That's a weird door, isn't it? Where did he get a jar that size? Hey, I think there's someone in the room!

01.02.008

[HARVEY pushes the jar open, and the party can see a man lying face down in a pool of blood. Written across the wall in blood is "Malem Nequitus Reluctor".]

01.02.009

Alice: Holy crap! I guess he's heard of it!

01.02.010

Fred: Damn it! So is this Dr. Beard or what? [Crouches by the man and unceremoniously pulls his head up by his hair to see his face.]

01.02.011

Alice: Well, he doesn't *have* a beard.

01.02.012

Charlie: [Gasps] It IS Dr. Beard! [To Alice] He never wore a beard, of course. Don't be absurd!

01.02.013

Alice: So-rry! [Looks around] Huh, I wonder what happened to him?

01.02.014

Charlie: Perhaps the people Darius referenced did get to him before we did! We should get back to him and ask him some more questions. Quickly, group--does anyone see any clues? [Starts examining the crime scene]

01.02.015

Fred: [Drops Dr. Beard's head back into the pool of blood with a splat and stands up.] I blame Tompars. [Looks at the others.] Well he blames us for everything! [Crosses arms.] We should get back at him!

01.02.016

Dur: [Jabs the body with his foot] Are we sure he's not just faking?

01.02.016

[A quick search reveals that the place doesn't appear to have been ransacked, although it's impossible to tell what, if anything, has been taken.]


;;; Colin's out today

Harvey: By the saints, Private, I fear you might be right. However, with any luck, HARMA will be too busy to blame us for anything. Whatever caused this must be huge.

[The party are distracted by the sound of a glass breaking in another room.]

01.02.017

Charlie: Dur, do be careful!

01.02.018

Dur: But I'm in here! I couldn't possibly have broken that glass! At least I did it... WITH MY MIND!

01.02.019

Alice: [Impressed] Wow! Do it again! Do it again!

01.02.020

Dur: [Skews up his face in concentration, turning red from the effort, and ... Farts. Really, really loudly] Hmm... Not exactly the effect I was going= for...

01.02.021

Alice: [Going a little green] Yikes! What the hell have you been eating, Dur?

[The sound of another glass breaking comes from the same direction.]

01.02.023

Dur: Oh you know, a little of this, a bunch of that, anything really as long as I can chew it up...

Err.. Maybe we should go check on those sounds. Any volunteers?From qvblogger MIME-Version: 1.0 Received: by 10.239.174.6 with HTTP; Fri, 22 Jan 2010 07:30:20 -0800 (PST) Date: Fri, 22 Jan 2010 15:30:20 +0000 Delivered-To: conor.r@gmail.com Message-ID: <2ab5065a1001220730j7937dacbk5270877d3fb1fb19@mail.gmail.com> To: "Day, Kevin R. (Las Colinas) NA" <Kevin.Day@hanson.biz> Cc: Heather <heather.goggans@gmail.com>, =?ISO-8859-1?Q?Valur_Sigur=F0arson?= <valurs@gmail.com>, Colin Dinan <Colin.Dinan@version1.com>, Tom Henderson <thg8rguy@yahoo.com>, Colin Dinan <colin.dinan@gmail.com>, "qvblogger@gmail.com" <qvblogger@gmail.com> Content-Type: text/plain; charset=ISO-8859-1

Harvey: By the saints, Quack! Have you no backbone? No spine? I'll investigate! [Pushes open the jar, to reveal Dolorion coming in, eating a sandwich]

Dolorion: Hi folks. Yeesh, how many glasses does a demon need to break to get some attention around here?


;;; Dolorion is a demon that was sent to invade the earth back in Book V.

;;; The invasion failed partly because he turned on his boss and mutinied.

;;; The party have met him several times and he has been helpful, but

;;; made it clear it was only because it suited him.

01.02.023

Charlie: [Heads toward the noise] Come, group! But do be careful! [Pulls out a sword]

01.02.024

veal Dolorion coming in,=0A> eating a sandwich]=0A> =0A> Dolorion: Hi folks. Yeesh, how many glasses does a demon need to break=0A> to get some attent= ion around here?=0A>=0A> Charlie: [Heads toward the noise] Come, group! But do be careful! =0A> [Pulls out a sword] =0A=0AClint: [Nods cautiously.] Tw= o, obviously! You have something to do with the stiff out there?=0A=0A=0A=0A=0A

01.02.025

Dolorion: Yep, I killed him.

01.02.026

Charlie: [Gripping her sword tightly] Why? And what your intended meaning in the phrase written in blood?

01.02.027

Fred: And where did you get that sandwich?

01.02.028

C'mon, speak up, we don't have all day!=0A =0A=0A=0A

01.02.029

Dolorion: Hm. [Takes a huge bite of his delicious looking sandwich and chews it with relish, taking his time and eventually swallowing it down] Ah! [To Fred, with some pride] Made it myself! You should have a go, there's all sorts of cool stuff in the fridge; meat, butter, mayo, eggs, a severed head, some really nice pickles, a kind of creamy relish that's just divine, a -

Harvey: [Interrupting] I say! [Looks around] Did he just say some really nice pickles?

Dolorion: [Nods, while taking another bite, and mumbling through the sandwich] They're delish!

Harvey: Huh. And what about the severed head?

Dolorion: Didn't taste it.

01.02.030

Charlie: [Alarmed] Are you also responsible for the severed head, or is that just some horrific coincidence?!

01.02.031

Fred: Dibs on the mayo, by the way.

01.02.032

Dolorion: Sure am. It's his wife. [Makes a talking motion with his hand] Blah, blah, blah!

01.02.033

o one'll blame you for that! But what's with the writing on the wall out there?=0A=0A=0A=0A=0A

01.02.034

Dolorion: You know how it is, you can never find a pen when you need one.

01.02.035

Charlie: Are you responsible for these dreams, or do you work for someone even more horrid?

01.02.036

Harvey : If that's even possible, what!

Version 1 Software Ltd, T/A Version 1, is a limited company registered in Ireland Registered Office: Jervis House, Jervis Street, Dublin 1, Ireland Belfast Office: The Mount Business Centre, 2 Woodstock Link, Belfast BT6 8DD Tel NI: +44 28 90 730156 Registration No: 257302

01.02.037

Dolorion: I certainly didn't cause these dreams, and I'll have you know that I work for someone far more horrid. I'm just fair minded, that's all.

01.02.038

Fred: All right then, but why did you kill Dr. Beard?

01.02.039

Dolorion: He knew too much. I mean, I wanted to give you a fair warning, but [shrugs] I don't want to solve the puzzle for you. [Finishes his sandwich] You know what I like most about your dimension? The food!

[DOLORION disappears in a puff of smoke.]

01.02.040

Charlie: We must return to Darius at once and see if he can tell us anything more! Come along, group!

01.02.041

Fred: [Roars] NO! [Returns to a conversational volume.] I must raid the fridge first! [Sets off towards the fridge.]

01.02.042

Last Valur #41

[The party follow FRED to the fridge, which he has soon pulled open. As advised by DOLORION, the fridge is full of all sorts of delicious goodies, as well as a severed head, which is dripping into the mayo.]

Alice: Er, I don't feel so hungry.

01.02.043

Charlie: [Peers at the head] No one we know, I hope?


;;;Is it?

01.02.044


;;; Nope!

Alice: If only we had a stick, we could poke it to turn it around to see, but I don't recognize her.

01.02.045

Dur: I thought the Demon said it was Beard's wife.

01.02.046

Alice: He did, but that doesn't mean we don't know her independently! Yeesh! When I get married, I'm keeping my own name. I think it's just crazy to change it, I mean, everyone knows me as Alice!

01.02.047

Fred: [Finally lets out a loud groan after being frozen with horror.] Awwww! She's ruined the mayo! [Rudely grabs the head at hands it casually to Alice.] Here, hold this for a moment. [Proceeds to rummage in the fridge for material to make himself a sandwich.]

01.02.048

Alice: [Jumps back] Ew! Keep that thing away from me! [Gives a shiver] It's been in the mayo, I hate mayo!

[From outside come the unmistakable sounds of someone being beaten up.]

01.02.049

Charlie: [Heads outside] Come, group! Perhaps we can save this poor soul from beheading, at least!

01.02.050

Fred: [Ripping some cabbage and placing it on a slice of bread.] Oh sigh, don't we have better things to do than continuously saving puny weaklings? [Inspects the relish before shrugging and applying it to his meal.]

01.02.051

uously saving puny=0A> weaklings? [Inspects the relish before shrugging andapplying it to=0A> his meal.] =0A=0AClint: [With considerable relish*] Yea= h, but they're speaking my language! [Goes to unleash his considerable frustration on whoever's winning the fight.] =0A=0A=0A;;; * Ha!=0A=0A=0A

01.02.052

Alice: Come on, Fred, you might get a chance to axe someone!

[The party look outside, and see SHELDON being beaten up by a bunch of HARMA Initiates.]

Sheldon: Ow! Unhand me this instant!


;;; Sheldon was one of the Sanity Party advisors

01.02.053

Charlie: [Attempts to protect Sheldon] You brutes! How dare you attack a weak, helpless, unarmed man!

01.02.054

[Swinging his table leg at the HARMA guys.]
Yeah! Let's see how you freaksdo with someone who knows how to fight back! =0A=0A=0A=0A

01.02.055

Last from Tom=20

Dur: [Watching the goings on] Oh? And who's that?

=20

01.02.055

Fred: HWWWFF! [Fred swallows the mouthful of hastily-pieced-together sandwich and menaces the HARMA Initiates with the remainder.] I like that puny weakling. Unhand him, or I'll UNHAND you!

01.02.056

[The HARMA Initiates immediately stop. There are five of them there, four wearing drab, grey uniforms, and one wearing a more colourful yellow one. This is ANTON ANON, a very young looking (barely 18) man, and is clearly in charge. The others are all in their late twenties. SHELDON has taken a good kicking, but will live.]

Anton: Hey! You better back off! This is official HARMA business!

Alice: [Blocks her ears] Yeesh! His voice is so breaky and screechy it's awfulness almost distracted me from his pimply faced appearance.

01.02.057

ms, and one wearing a more=0A> colourful yellow one. This is ANTON ANON, a very young looking (barely=0A> 18) man, and is clearly in charge. The other= s are all in their late=0A> twenties. SHELDON has taken a good kicking, butwill live.]=0A> =0A> Anton: Hey! You better back off! This is official HAR= MA business!=0A> =0A> Alice: [Blocks her ears] Yeesh! His voice is so breaky and screechy=0A> it's awfulness almost distracted me from his pimply face= d appearance.=0A=0AClint: [Belligerently.] Yeah? Well, kicking the crap out of you HARMA jerks is my business, and business is good!=0A=0A=0A=0A =

01.02.058

Fred: Boy, don't make me put down this sandwich. [Narrows eyes at Anton and takes another bite.]

01.02.059

Anton: [Swallows hard, voice cracking as he speaks] Look, Mister, he's under arrest for suspicion of murder and for causing these awful visions. Now, how about you finish your sandwich and, [laughs nervously] let's just say we let you off with a warning this time? Fair? I mean, really, I can't be fairer than that, can I?

01.02.060

Harvey : Listen sonny Jim! I believe I hear your mother calling you home for your tea! Be on the off immediately with your goons, or I'm quite sure th= ere will be the whack of a rolling pin across your buttocks when you get home!

Version 1 Software Ltd, T/A Version 1, is a limited company registered in Ireland Registered Office: Jervis House, Jervis Street, Dublin 1, Ireland Belfast Office: The Mount Business Centre, 2 Woodstock Link, Belfast BT6 8DD Tel NI: +44 28 90 730156 Registration No: 257302

01.02.061

Anton: [Looks around at the party, before turning to his goons] Come on, goons, let's get out of here!

[Exit ANTON and the goons, running away.]

Sheldon: [Slowly staggers to his feet] You - you saved my life! You really saved my life!

01.02.062

Harvey : [Helps Sheldon up] That's what we do, sir!

Version 1 Software Ltd, T/A Version 1, is a limited company registered in Ireland Registered Office: Jervis House, Jervis Street, Dublin 1, Ireland Belfast Office: The Mount Business Centre, 2 Woodstock Link, Belfast BT6 8DD Tel NI: +44 28 90 730156 Registration No: 257302

01.02.062

Fred: Yes. Shame on you for peing a puny weakling. Now, I believe we could use your extensive metacognitive abilities...

01.02.063

Sheldon: [Still leaning unsteadily against Harvey, addressing Fred enthusiastically] Anything I can do, of course! I owe you all such a debt!

01.02.064

Fred: Oh no, don't look at me, I've forgotten what we were trying to solve. [Returns to his sandwich.]

01.02.065

Last from Valur 64

Alice: [Exasperated] The dreams! Yeesh, I thought you were supposed to be a nerd! [To Sheldon] What about that thing where everyone blacked out?

Sheldon: Ah! But did they? Admittedly, everyone around me did and, judging by the vigour with which these HARMA Initiates were beating me, so did everyone around them, but can we be sure that it was a global phenomenon?

01.02.066

Charlie: [Excited] Clearly, we must conduct a study to determine this! We'll need to identify a random sampling of the population, funding for a couple of post-docs to do some of the legwork and the less desirable administrative tasks, 250 notepads and 100 or so pencils. [Delighted] This will be my most important book yet!

01.02.067

Sheldon: [Nods enthusiastically] And even though my own intellect dwarfs yours, you can be the PI, seeing as how I owe you such an enormous debt of gratitude and all!

01.02.068

Harvey : [Stomach rumbles massively] Mmm, pie! Speaking of, I think we should get ourselves a slap up feed, what! Nothing like saving people from beat= ings to whet ones appetite!

Version 1 Software Ltd, T/A Version 1, is a limited company registered in Ireland Registered Office: Jervis House, Jervis Street, Dublin 1, Ireland Belfast Office: The Mount Business Centre, 2 Woodstock Link, Belfast BT6 8DD Tel NI: +44 28 90 730156 Registration No: 257302

01.02.068

Charlie: [Laughs] What are your qualifications?! What important research have you done in this field?? I hardly think you qualified to be PI of this project, so it does not matter in the slightest what pseudoscientific measures you used to determine the relative [condescending finger quotes] size of our respective intellects. That said, I would be more than happy to consider mentioning you in the acknowledgments, as you were here when I undertook this project.

01.02.069

Sheldon: [To Harvey] Let's go to Dr. Beard's house, his wife makes the most delicious mayo! [To Charlie, smiling] I have a PhD in Everythingology -- the science of sounding like you know what you are talking about when dealing with even something completely alien to you -- but what is the possibility of passing up a Nobble prize when friendship is at stake? The project is yours! Come on, chums, let's have some sambos! [Leads the party to Beard's house]

01.02.070

Dur: [Whispering to the group] Should we warn him about the mayo?

01.02.071

Alice: I don't think it's really the mayo that we should be worried about, rather the-

[ALICE is interrupted by a scream from SHELDON, from inside the house.]

Alice: [Trailing off] Severed head in the fridge.

Sheldon: [Opens the door to let the party in, looking very pale] Mary's head is in the fridge!

01.02.072

Dur: Oh! So that's her name!

01.02.072

Charlie: Indeed! We were just on our way to investigate the fiends behind these murders when we found it necessary to save you.

01.02.073

Sheldon: Mur-ders?

Alice: Yes, Beard is dead too.

Sheldon: Hm, that's okay, I never really cared much for him. However, it's clearly linked to the dreams [gives the party a rueful smile] Wow, you guys really are smart. Super smart and super helpful, good friends to have! Now, how about I make sandwiches for everyone and we figure out what's going on here? I'm afraid there's no mayo, but there is a delicious red sauce that's good, bloody good!

01.02.074

Dur: [Looks seriously at Sheldon, his voice deep and dramatic] I'll take extra red sauce on mine!

01.02.075

[Within seconds, SHELDON has located and donned a frilly apron and is producing the most delicious looking sandwiches the party have ever seen, the first of which is smothered in red sauce.]

Sheldon: [Giving Dur his one first] Gosh! It's so cool being best friends with a bunch of adventurers like you. It reminds me of my university days when I was known for hanging with a dangerous crowd -- [somewhat proudly] at one stage they all used an extra square over and above the permitted two squares of toilet paper per movement.

Alice: One square each or between them?

Sheldon: Between them, of course! What do you think it was? The Rench Frevolution? [Serves up another fantastic looking sandwich, this time devoid of red sauce]

01.02.076

sandwiches the party have=0A> ever seen, the first of which is smothered inred sauce.]=0A> =0A> Sheldon: [Giving Dur his one first] Gosh! It's so coo= l being best=0A> friends with a bunch of adventurers like you. It reminds me of my=0A> university days when I was known for hanging with a dangerous c= rowd --=0A> [somewhat proudly] at one stage they all used an extra square over and=0A> above the permitted two squares of toilet paper per movement.= 0A> =0A> Alice: One square each or between them?=0A> =0A> Sheldon: Betweenthem, of course! What do you think it was? The Rench=0A> Frevolution? [Ser= ves up another fantastic looking sandwich, this time=0A> devoid of red sauce] =0A=0AClint: [Takes the sandwich.] Say, Shelly, you got an explanation fo= r the writing on the wall?=0A=0A=0A=0A

01.02.077

Sheldon: Of course! It's in Flatin, a long dead language that predates writing -- it was only ever spoken, which is something of an irony when one considers that your first exposure to it was bloody graffiti -- and it means "Evil Cannot Resist". What it cannot resist, I'm afraid, I cannot say. I haven't heard that term before.

Alice: Could it be something HARMA cooked up?

Sheldon: It's highly unlikely that anybody in HARMA would be familiar even with a language being spoken today, such is their reliance on grunts, snorts and violence, never mind one from prehistoric times.

01.02.078

Fred: Grunts, snorts and violence? Sounds like home... [Sighs with nostalgia] Oh, and make my sandwich without the bloody- I mean the may- NO, I mean the red sauce. [Takes a bite of his own almost finished sandwich.]

01.02.079

Sheldon: I certainly will, Fred, and for you I'll make an extra special hero sandwich.

Alice: What's so extra special about it?

Sheldon: [Hands over three huge sandwiches] There are three of them!

01.02.080

Harvey : [Eyes the sandwiches greedily] By the saints, now that's my kind of hero! So, how many scholars are still familiar with this language?

Version 1 Software Ltd, T/A Version 1, is a limited company registered in Ireland Registered Office: Jervis House, Jervis Street, Dublin 1, Ireland Belfast Office: The Mount Business Centre, 2 Woodstock Link, Belfast BT6 8DD Tel NI: +44 28 90 730156 Registration No: 257302

01.02.080

Fred: AAAARHRFGHRARR! [Mindlessly devours the sandwiches, barely swallowing before taking the next bite. The area around him is quickly covered with crumbs and various food debris.]

01.02.081

Alice: [Standing beside Fred, her hair covered in large chunks of bread] Hey! Watch what you're doing!

Sheldon: Indeed! Alice's hair is quite marvellous, it would be a shame to mess it up. [To Harvey] Not too many, although I'll wager someone as sharp as Charlie knew all about it!

01.02.082

Harvey : [Laughs long and loud]

Version 1 Software Ltd, T/A Version 1, is a limited company registered in Ireland Registered Office: Jervis House, Jervis Street, Dublin 1, Ireland Belfast Office: The Mount Business Centre, 2 Woodstock Link, Belfast BT6 8DD Tel NI: +44 28 90 730156 Registration No: 257302

01.02.083

Charlie: What could you possibly find amusing about that statement? I promptly translated the phrase, as you very well know!

01.02.084

ry well know!=0A=0AClint: [Suspicious.] But, did you write it? [By way of explanation.] We've had problems with your colleagues before! Remember Mon= ty?=0A=0A=0A=0A=0A

01.02.085

Charlie: [Insulted] I hardly think it fair of you to judge me based on the bad behavior of a former colleague of mine! How would YOU like it if I insinuated I could not trust you because of your former associations with one Dr. Jerome Trindle?!

01.02.086

Alice: Or our current association with Dur!

Sheldon: Well, actually, it was Dr. Jerome K. Trindle, BSc, PhD, but you know, Clint, she has you there. [Laughs and claps] Ah! I'm sure glad we're all friends, otherwise such barbs been thrown back and forth could cause offense! Let's have some more sandwiches!

01.02.087

Fred: [Pauses briefly in his brutalization of his sandwiches to make a muffled sound of agreement.]

01.02.088

Sheldon: [Baking some moon pie] So, what have you ascertained so far?

01.02.089


;;; All very quiet today!

[Bing! The moon pie is ready.]

Sheldon: Not much, eh?


;;; Heather's afk

Charlie: It seems that everyone in at least the immediate vicinity was affected, and that HARMA seem to know even less about this than they do anything else.

01.02.090

Harvey: Indeed so, I don't believe that HARMA are behind this skullduggery.This is something, or someone else!

Version 1 Software Ltd, T/A Version 1, is a limited company registered in Ireland Registered Office: Jervis House, Jervis Street, Dublin 1, Ireland Belfast Office: The Mount Business Centre, 2 Woodstock Link, Belfast BT6 8DD Tel NI: +44 28 90 730156 Registration No: 257302

01.02.091

Last from Colin 90

Fred: [Mumbles loudly around a mouthful of masticated sandwich. Swallows and clears his throat.] Erhem, I mean to say, since we have no other leads, may it be that Dr. Beard has any written documents that could be of use to us? Since he is after all a man who should know something about this.

01.02.092

Charlie: Excellent idea! Some research would be just the ticket!

[The party head into BEARD's study and start reading.]

Alice: [Looking up after a while] I'm soooo bored! How long have we been at this?

Charlie: Thirty seconds.

[Time passes, and the party are pretty sure that there are no references to Malem Nequitus Reluctor, although it is clear that BEARD was an expert in Clementine and the Custos-Clementines (who the party suspected were involved.]

Sheldon: [Who has been supplying the party with snacks all the way through] There is one piece of information I have that isn't in these books -- I have a theory on where the dreams came from.

01.02.093

Charlie: [Eagerly stuffing her knapsack full of Beard's research on all things Clementine-related] Do tell--what is your theory?

01.02.094

our theory?=0A=0AClint: And does it explain the gruesome death scenes?=0A=0A=0A=0A

01.02.095

Sheldon: Possibly! I believe, and Dr. Beard's field of interest may lend credence to this, is that the source was Clementine, I've heard reports of an enormous explosion there.

Alice: Wow! Was it very loud?

Sheldon: I suppose so, it was an explosion, after all.

01.02.096

Harvey : Do you know what it was that exploded?

Version 1 Software Ltd, T/A Version 1, is a limited company registered in Ireland Registered Office: Jervis House, Jervis Street, Dublin 1, Ireland Belfast Office: The Mount Business Centre, 2 Woodstock Link, Belfast BT6 8DD Tel NI: +44 28 90 730156 Registration No: 257302

01.02.096

ementine, I've heard=0A> reports of an enormous explosion there.=0A> =0A> Alice: Wow! Was it very loud?=0A> =0A> Sheldon: I suppose so, it was an expl= osion, after all.=0A=0AClint: [Puzzled.] So why would explosions at Clementine send visions of gruesome deaths to everyone, and make some freaks who s= peak dead languages write on walls? Was it, say, a magical explosion or something?=0A=0A=0A=0A

01.02.097

Last from tom and Colin

Sheldon: Good question Clint! Presumeably someone or something that can speak that language.

Alice: Or maybe they were just showing off?

Sheldon: Uh, maybe. [To Harvey] No idea, I'm afraid, just where it came from.

01.02.098

Charlie: Thank you for your insights! Was there anything more you could tell us about your theory or any peculiarities you've noticed in the last while?

01.02.099

Sheldon: Well, I do have a large boil on the left cheek of my ass, which is really rather uncomfortable when I sit down, but other than that, no, things seemed normal right up until everyone lost consciousness.

01.02.100

Charlie: Splendid! Then we must be off, group! Let us try to catch Darius before he leaves, as he seems to know more than he has revealed, as usual!

01.02.101

Sheldon: Bye bye! [Hands each party member a package as they leave] Here, I made some super tasty sambos for each of you. Just wait until you try some of that red sauce that I put in each one!

[Exit the party, back to TED's house, where they last saw DARIUS. Alas, Darius and the dresses are all gone by the time they return.]

Alice: Hey! I wanted to keep one of them!

01.02.102

Fred: Huh. He didn't see like the type... [Shouts] HEY! DARIUS!

01.02.103

Harvey : Perhaps he's opened a Haberdashery somewhere.

Version 1 Software Ltd, T/A Version 1, is a limited company registered in Ireland Registered Office: Jervis House, Jervis Street, Dublin 1, Ireland Belfast Office: The Mount Business Centre, 2 Woodstock Link, Belfast BT6 8DD Tel NI: +44 28 90 730156 Registration No: 257302

01.02.104

Alice: Well, if he has, why would he want all those dresses?

01.02.105

Harvey : Why, no doubt to put the dash into the haber, what!

Version 1 Software Ltd, T/A Version 1, is a limited company registered in Ireland Registered Office: Jervis House, Jervis Street, Dublin 1, Ireland Belfast Office: The Mount Business Centre, 2 Woodstock Link, Belfast BT6 8DD Tel NI: +44 28 90 730156 Registration No: 257302

01.02.106

Alice: Interesting if true! [To the party in general] So, what's the plan? Head to Clementine and see if we can figure out what the explosion was?

01.02.107

Fred: [Shrugs] It's the only lead we have at the moment.

01.02.108

Alice: Let's go!

[Everyone takes their packed lunches and climb into TED's carriage, before heading off towards Clementine.]


;;; End of scene, next one coming right up

01.03.001

[Book VII, Act I, Scene III. The Road to Clementine. ALICE, CHARLIE, CLINT, DUR, FRED and HARVEY are here, with HARVEY driving, a few hours out of Dementia, stuck in a slow moving traffic jam.]

Alice: What the hell? Who are all these people? Don't they have jobs to go to?

01.03.002

Dur: Perhaps they are all part of adventuring parties who are out to save the world? That's our excuse for not holding down steady jobs...

01.03.003

Charlie: Perhaps these people had dreams, as well, and panic is setting in? Let us take advantage of the situation and begin interviewing subjects for our study! It will help pass the time more fruitfully.

01.03.004

Alice: [To Dur] Not me! I don't work because of my huge trust fund! [Thinks] Although, it hasn't been paid into for months now, and our house was burned down and business has disappeared, so you know what? Maybe some of you should get jobs to help me out!

[The party are moving slow enough to be able to talk to people nearby.]

01.03.005

Charlie: [To Alice, brightly] You're hired! Now, come along and observe me carefully, all of you. [Approaches the nearest carriage and addresses the people inside] Hello, fellow persons! Are you fleeing in fear of a horrible, as-yet-unrealized death?

01.03.006

e nearest carriage=0A> and addresses the people inside] Hello, fellow persons! Are you=0A> fleeing in fear of a horrible, as-yet-unrealized death?= 0A=0AClint: [Cheerfully] If you're not, you damn well should be!=0A=0A =0A=0A=0A

01.03.007

[CHARLIE's first subject is KEN BINGSLEY, a now startled looking man, walking alongside the party's carriage, keeping pace with them.]

Ken: Really? Why? My vision showed me that I won't die for another five years.

01.03.008

Fred: Are you sure it was five years? I only ask because the last man who was confident he wouldn't die soon got an axe in his chest.

01.03.009

Harvey : A vision eh? Describe it, if you would, good sir!

Version 1 Software Ltd, T/A Version 1, is a limited company registered in Ireland Registered Office: Jervis House, Jervis Street, Dublin 1, Ireland Belfast Office: The Mount Business Centre, 2 Woodstock Link, Belfast BT6 8DD Tel NI: +44 28 90 730156 Registration No: 257302

01.03.010

Ken: I didn't say I was confident, I said what my vision told me. I was minding my own business, reading a newspaper, when a group of men burst in through my door and attacked me with swords. It was most disconcerting.

01.03.011

, when a group of men=0A> burst in through my door and attacked me with swords. It was most=0A> disconcerting.=0A=0AClint: [Hopefully.] Say, none of u= s were part of that group, were we?=0A=0A=0A=0A

01.03.012

Ken: [Startled] No! Did you think you would be?

01.03.013
01.03.014

Ben: Well, now that you mention it, there was an article about some of you in the paper. Well, when I say article, I mean obituary.

01.03.015

Ken: It was for Austin Sleaze, I believe.

01.03.015

Charlie: Obituary?! About whom? Can you tell us what you remember, in as much detail as you can? [Flips open her notepad eagerly]

01.03.016

Harvey : Private Sleaze? Tell me this, do you still have a copy of the paper?

Version 1 Software Ltd, T/A Version 1, is a limited company registered in Ireland Registered Office: Jervis House, Jervis Street, Dublin 1, Ireland Belfast Office: The Mount Business Centre, 2 Woodstock Link, Belfast BT6 8DD Tel NI: +44 28 90 730156 Registration No: 257302

01.03.017

Ken: You mean the paper I was reading in my dream? Uh, no!

01.03.018

Harvey : Damn and blast! Well, do you remember what the obituary said?

Version 1 Software Ltd, T/A Version 1, is a limited company registered in Ireland Registered Office: Jervis House, Jervis Street, Dublin 1, Ireland Belfast Office: The Mount Business Centre, 2 Woodstock Link, Belfast BT6 8DD Tel NI: +44 28 90 730156 Registration No: 257302

01.03.019

Ken: It said that he was dead.

01.03.020

Charlie: Extraordinary! I don't suppose you remember the date of the paper? Or any clues to the date or time of year?

01.03.021

Ken: Yes, it was five years from now, in July.

Alice: And what about us? What did it say about the rest of us?

Ken: That you were all dead too. There was a paragraph about how you all had helped Jerome save the world together, and that Austin was the last of you to die.

01.03.022

Charlie: [To Ken, scribbling furiously] Thank you! That is most helpful. [To the party, baffled] Could this mean Mr. Sleaze is alive?! Or perhaps that these dreams will not necessarily come to pass?

01.03.023

Alice: Or if they do, we'll all be dead within five years!

01.03.024

Fred: Wait a minute, there seems to be a contradiction here. Didn't one of us dream he or she would die in winter?

01.03.025

Harvey : [To Ken] Personally, I would suggest you stay away from cheese based products before bedtime, what!

Version 1 Software Ltd, T/A Version 1, is a limited company registered in Ireland Registered Office: Jervis House, Jervis Street, Dublin 1, Ireland Belfast Office: The Mount Business Centre, 2 Woodstock Link, Belfast BT6 8DD Tel NI: +44 28 90 730156 Registration No: 257302

01.03.026

Ken: What? It's not like I'm the only person who had a dream!

Alice: [To Fred] I think two of us did, but his one happens five years from now, which means there are five winters that it could happen in.

01.03.027

Dur: And what does my lack of a dream mean! I didn't have one at all...

01.03.028

Ken: [Shrugs] Idunno. I heard rumours that there are others who didn't have any dreams either.

01.03.029

Dur: I'd suggest interviewing them, but what good would that do?

01.03.030

Ken: Probably none.

Alice: So why are all you people going to Clementine?

Ken: Because we think this is where it all started, what with the explosion and all.

01.03.031

Harvey : Well, perhaps we should travel to Clementine to see this for ourselves, eh!

Version 1 Software Ltd, T/A Version 1, is a limited company registered in Ireland Registered Office: Jervis House, Jervis Street, Dublin 1, Ireland Belfast Office: The Mount Business Centre, 2 Woodstock Link, Belfast BT6 8DD Tel NI: +44 28 90 730156 Registration No: 257302

01.03.032

Alice: But look, the line has stopped moving -- maybe Clementine is closed?

01.03.032

Charlie: Indeed, Colonel, we ARE trying! [Looks up the road] Perhaps we can find a short-cut if we leave the main road? It will take us ages to get there at this rate.

01.03.032

Fred: I thought we were already heading that way. Say, why do we move at such a slow pace? Can't we just disregard the lives of these puny weaklings and charge ahead?

01.03.033

[Enter FINA TEY, a flustered looking woman, heading in the opposite direction.]

Fina: Turn back! We all gotta turn back! They've got the whole place closedoff!

01.03.034

Dur: That's never stopped us before!

01.03.035

Fred: Indeed the world displays yet again its tendency to work against us at every turn. If this continues, I swear I shall have another outburst of Hrothgar... [To Fina] You! Woman! What is the reason for this quarantine?

01.03.036

Fina: [Stops dead in her tracks] I - I don't know! HARMA have it blocked off, they say there's danger of contamination.

01.03.037

0A=0AClint: Ooooooh, then I guess we better do what HARMA tells us to!=0A=0A=0A=0A

01.03.038

Fina: [Nods] I think we should -- I had a dream that I was executed by them!

01.03.039

Alice: Why did they execute you?

Fina: I have no idea, something about gross indecency and flagrant abuse of common decency laws, and murder.

01.03.040

Charlie: And are you prone to such behavior?

01.03.041

Fina: [Indignantly] Certainly not! [Thinks a bit] Well, maybe the occasional murder or two, but that's all!

01.03.042

Charlie: [Warily] Yes, well, thank you for sharing this information, but we must stay the course! [To the party] Group, let us continue to Clementine!

01.03.043

[The party break formation and speed along the road, much to the chagrin of the queuing people. They soon see that there is smoke coming from the top of Clementine and, about five miles out, they come to a huge fence, which seems to extend right the way around the hill. Where the road meets the fence is a closed gate, manned by several HARMA Initiates. When the party slow down, one of them, PAVEL MURPHY, addresses them.]

Pavel: You must turn your wessel around immediately.

01.03.044

Dur: WHAT did you just call me [Rolling up his sleeves] ?

01.03.045

Last from Kevin 44

Pavel: [Taken aback] Uh, nothing, it's just some of the lads were talking about your mother.

01.03.045

Fred: Hey, my wessel's orientation is no business of yours!

01.03.046

Pavel: Then take your wessel and get the hell out of here!

01.03.047

Pavel: [Getting frustrated] Look! You people don't seem to understand. This place is restricted, you can't go any further.

Alice: [To the party] This guy is all over the place! One minute he says we have to leave, the next just that we can't go any further!

01.03.048

Dur: Maybe it's a test! [Tries to stroll past Pavel]

01.03.048

Charlie: [To Pavel] What authority have you to bar our access?

01.03.049

[Alas, PAVEL is on the other side of the gate, which is locked.]

Pavel: [Dramatically] The HARMA Initiative, the democratically elected ruling party. Only HARMA members may pass.

01.03.050

Dur: [Dur's face skews up in a mask of what looks like pure pain as he ponders a thought. Finally a dim lightbulb goes off] I'd like to join HARMA!

01.03.050

Initiative, the democratically elected=0A> ruling party. Only HARMA membersmay pass.=0A=0AClint: [Bluffing for all he's worth.] Very good, minor HARM= A flunkie! Now at ease, and let your superiors by! Or don't you recognizeHARMA high muckedy-mucks when you see them?=0A=0A=0A=0A=0A

01.03.051

Pavel: Haw! Spoken like a pair of willians if I've I saw them! Look, if you really are HARMA Initiates then you'll know the secret question.

01.03.052

Dur: Is it "What's the secret question?"

01.03.052

the secret=0A> question.=0A=0AClint: [Taking a stab in the dark.] How muchwood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?=0A=0A=0A=0A =

01.03.053

Pavel: [Startled at Dur's question] Uh, no! It is, however, a question that only a true member of HARMA would answer yes to.

01.03.054

Dur: "Do you like men?"

01.03.055

Pavel: Sure, I - hey! No! No I don't! That's not the question! Go on, bugger off!

01.03.056

Fred: So much for subtlety. Could you tell us then, were is the weakest point of your guard here, when you change shifts and the closest place we can acquire a working clandestine infiltration kit?

01.03.057

Pavel: [Sniggering to himself] Yes I could!

[The party form a huddle to discuss this outrage.]

Alice: Come on! We're not going to be outsmarted by that idiot! [Looks down] Hey! My shoes don't match -- oh, wait, one of those is Harvey's, anyway, surely we can come up with a question that every HARMA member would answer yes to?

01.03.058

Charlie: How about "Do you enjoy absurdly restrictive rules?"

01.03.059

Pavel: [Offended] Hey! Our restrictive rules aren't absurd at all! They all make sense!

01.03.060

RMA member?" You'd all answer yes!=0A=0A=0A;;; Wow, getting this new leasetaken care of has been going on since =0A;;; December now!=0A=0A=0A

01.03.061

Pavel: [With a big smile] Yes! Come on in! [Opens the gate] Sorry about all the security, but you know what it's like since those Candidates started trying to get here.

01.03.062

Charlie: [To Clint] Well done, Mr. Scar! [To Pavel, walking through the gate] Yes, those dreadful Candidates. Do tell us all about them, if you would?

01.03.063

Pavel: [Closing the gate once everyone is in] I don't know too much about them, other than the fact that they believe they are God's chosen people and will live forever in paradise while the rest of us are tortured with reliving our violent deaths over and over and over. And over. And over. And over and over.

Alice: So -

Pavel: [Interrupting] And over. And over. [Pause] And over and over and over. And over.

01.03.064

Charlie: I wonder what gave them such an idea?

01.03.065

Fred: Someone fiercely bitter over their lot in life? I hypothesise either a woman scorned or a geek.

01.03.066

Charlie: And what about sexually frustrated men?! They are by far the most likely demographic to wage wars and form cults!

01.03.067

Pavel: They are quite a mix, actually, from all different walks of life. They think they're chosen because they didn't have any vision of death.

01.03.068

Dur: [Suddenly attentive but chuckles nervously] Imagine that! Say, why do they think that NOT having a dream means they are chosen?

01.03.069

Fred: Ah, they're bitter because they feel left out.

01.03.070

Dur: Or maybe they are just tired of hearing the endless speculation by theuppity snobs that DID have dreams.

01.03.071

Alice: Or maybe THEY are the uppity snobs who can't bear the thought that someone else is better than them!

01.03.072

Yeah, well, with those visions of death out there, I say we loyal HARMA types have to stick together. [Mugs furiously.] Anything else you know about= these visions?=0A=0A=0A=0A

01.03.073

Pavel: Not really, it seems like most people had some sort of wision, and some of those that didn't seem to be trying to make themselves out to be more important than they really are. It seems likely that the source is Clementine, but until we get all those Candidates and people who live near there away, we can't check properly.

01.03.074

Fred: But we are at liberty to investigate on our own initiative, correct?

01.03.075

my colleague means to imply that we're setting anything up to combat HARMA,of course. We're all loyal HARMA members here, so of course we can invest= igate!=0A=0A=0A=0A

01.03.076

Pavel: Of course you can! As long as you are loyal HARMA members, that is, of course.

Alice: [To the party] These guys sure say "of course" a lot, don't they?

01.03.077

Charlie: Indeed! [To Pavel] Thank you for your assistance, comrade! We shall be on our way now. [To the party] Come, group! Let us spread our message of repression! [Hearty chanting] HARMA! HARMA!

01.03.078

Pavel: Of course! [Joins in with the chanting] HARMA! HARMA!

[Exit the party to much chanting and rejoicing at the beauty and good that is HARMA.]


;;; End of scene, next one coming up

01.04.001

[Book VII, Act I, Scene IV. Approaching Clementine. ALICE, CHARLIE, CLINT, DUR, FRED and HARVEY are here, walking towards Clementine, the top of which is covered in a thick cloud. They are approaching a small house, outside of which is sitting a woman with a shaven head, sitting crosslegged outside the house with her arms stretched up in the air. This is NEFF "TERRY FFAMBELL.]

Neff: [Looks at the party] Blessed be, Candidates, unless you are HARMA Initiates, in which case, leave me alone.

01.04.002

Dur: So you are not HARMA? If not, why do they let you stay here?

01.04.003

Neff: Of course I'm not! They just haven't got to me yet, I hid when they came to empty my house.

Alice: Where did you hide? Some cunning, underhand place, I bet!

Neff: Actually, I was just sitting here.

01.04.004

did you hide? Some cunning, underhand place, I bet!=0A> =0A> Neff: Actually, I was just sitting here.=0A=0AClint: Maybe they saw the shaved head and f= igured you were so tightly conforming to non-comformist guidelines that you*must* be a conformist, and therefore a HARMA member?=0A=0A=0A=0A=0A

01.04.005

Neff: [Looks Clint up and down] Uh...sure!

01.04.006

Charlie: [Looks at Neff skeptically] How can we be sure you're a Candidate and not HARMA? Tell us about your beliefs so that we can be sure!

01.04.007

Neff: I am one of the chosen ones! Out of millions, I and a handful of others will be spared a violent death. We shall inherit the earth and live forever.

Alice: [To the party] You know, it seems like everyone who had one of these dreams was told that they'd have a violent death, weird, huh?

01.04.008

Charlie: Most peculiar, indeed! [To Neff] Yes, we believe you, as only a true Candidate could be so tiresome. Why do you believe you have been marked in such a way? Whom do you follow?

01.04.009

Fred: And how is this connected to the explosion?

01.04.010

Neff: As a true follower, I don't follow anyone, because Candidates are all equal. We have no leader, although, for administrative and logistic purposes there is a revolving executive role that Terry occupies. [To Fred, with a smile so peaceful, so serene and so calm that everyone wants to punch her in the face] Because that was Mother Earth, venting her ire on the sinners who have been condemned to suffering.

01.04.011

Harvey : I say, that's not very fair minded of Mother Earth - there could have been innocents and children harmed!

Version 1 Software Ltd, T/A Version 1, is a limited company registered in Ireland Registered Office: Jervis House, Jervis Street, Dublin 1, Ireland Belfast Office: The Mount Business Centre, 2 Woodstock Link, Belfast BT6 8DD Tel NI: +44 28 90 730156 Registration No: 257302

01.04.012

Neff: Please don't harsh my calm. Mother Earth doesn't harm innocents. Anyone who was hurt during the Great Darkness deserved to be.

01.04.013

Harvey : And what about cats? And rats? And bugs? And flowers? All destroyed in the area! Do you think they deserved it?

Version 1 Software Ltd, T/A Version 1, is a limited company registered in Ireland Registered Office: Jervis House, Jervis Street, Dublin 1, Ireland Belfast Office: The Mount Business Centre, 2 Woodstock Link, Belfast BT6 8DD Tel NI: +44 28 90 730156 Registration No: 257302

01.04.014

Alice: [Whispers to Harvey] Maybe bugs did, Harv, after all, they're icky.

Neff: [Shrugs] It's not what I think, it's what Mother Earth thinks. If some cats were destroyed, well, I'm sure there's someone somewhere with a scratched hand or ruined furniture that's relieved.

01.04.015

Charlie: [Deeply offended, to the party] Group, I have had quite enough of this cat-bashing! Let us move on to friendlier folk.

01.04.016

Neff: Fair well, and may your torment of anticipation of your awful death be short.

[The party leave the cat hater and move towards the top of Clementine. As they approach they can see that the entire top of the hill is gone, and that there is still smoke coming from the middle.]

Alice: [Gives a shiver] Holy crap! What happened here? [Looks around] You know, the last time we were here was when Jerome killed himself.


;;; She's referring to Book V, Act XIII when the party defeated

;;; Jerome.

<a href=http://queens-view.com/Scripts/05.13.html#jerome-death> Jerome's Death </A>

01.04.017

Dur: So if the people who didn't have dreams are the chosen ones... That would make me a chosen one! [Fist pumps a mini-celebration]

01.04.018

Alice: If you're a chosen one, then frankly, I'm glad I'm going to be garroted!

01.04.019

Fred: Indeed. The requirements for salvation baffle me. Surely there has been some mistake.

01.04.020

Harvey : Perhaps the chosen ones are the ones most likely to eat the dead! You know, to help mother nature clean up after the cataclysm!

Version 1 Software Ltd, T/A Version 1, is a limited company registered in Ireland Registered Office: Jervis House, Jervis Street, Dublin 1, Ireland Belfast Office: The Mount Business Centre, 2 Woodstock Link, Belfast BT6 8DD Tel NI: +44 28 90 730156 Registration No: 257302

01.04.020

Alice: I sure hope so, otherwise we really will be in some awful hell! Huh, look up there, looks like there's some sort of crowd.

01.04.021

lean up after the cataclysm!=0A=0A> Alice: I sure hope so, otherwise we really will be in some=0A> awful hell! Huh, look up there, looks like there's = some sort=0A> of crowd.=0A=0AClint: Maybe the chosen ones are all somehow insane lunatics?=0A=0A;;; Sorry - forgot to say parents in town this morning= , so a bit out of it.=0A=0A=0A

01.04.022

Charlie: Very possible, given the evidence so far! [Looks ahead to the crowd] Let's go see what this is about, group!

01.04.023

Alice: Blessed are the pathetic, for they are the most likely to resort to cannibalism? Hm, I think Clint's theory makes more sense!

[The party slowly and quietly approach the crowd, which appears to be almost entirely made up of bald people, and which is being addressed by a preacher who isn't bald, looks a bit rough and is holding a glass of wine. He is dressed in white, with a white cowboy hat on. This is REVEREND WILLIAM WORSHIP, and he is in mid-preach, and is quite a distance (i.e. wouldn't be able to hear the party).]

William: For whatever reason you refuse to feel this space we're in, to know its insanity, really know it. Whatever your particular anaesthetic is, that you hold onto so desperately, the thing I mean that makes you think you know who you are, it's a lie.

01.04.024

Harvey : I say, what balderdash is that man gabbing about! Did anyone else understand a word of that?

01.04.025

Charlie: [Ponders] I can identify it as new age pseudointellectualism, but it is quite beyond the scope of my studies, I'm afraid. It's safe to say it has something to do with cleansing one's aura and paying close attention to bowel movements and such. Perhaps we should ask someone in the crowd to translate? [Looks around for a nearby person to ask]

01.04.026

Alice: [Shrugs] Definitely either bowel movements or cheese, I think.

[The audience look on, transfixed. Almost (but not quite) all of them have shaven heads. One of them, a well dressed man, glances over at the party with a rueful look. This is JOHN "TERRY" O'QUINN".]

William: Whatever that thing is that you allow to keep you sane, your ace in your hole, the psyche that keeps you from trying to guess what your pimp has in store for you, [dramatically] it's a lie.

01.04.026

Fred: Can't we just buy the book? These guys always have a pretentious self-help book, don't they?

01.04.027

Alice: Shriek! Then we'd have to read it, wouldn't we? Don't be ridic!

01.04.028

Harvey : At least his book would no doubt be long, strong, and thoroughly absorbent!

01.04.029

William: Whatever keeps you from screaming out at this very moment in absolute and sheer horror, whatever you fuck your brain with, [emphasis] whatever that is, whatever that is, it's a lie. [Emphatically] It's a lie.

[The crowd go crazy, cheering and applauding. JOHN also applauds, but keeps an eye on the party.]

01.04.030

Harvey : By the saints, the mob do seem enamoured with the thought that everything is false, what!

01.04.031

John: Not everything, just the things people tend to use to distract themselves from the true horror and emptiness of their lives. [Turns back, applauding, although not as crazily as most of the mob, but turns back to the party once more] And they're not so much a mob, more of a gathering. They probably need a figure or figures to hate to turn them into a mob.

01.04.032

Fred: [To the party.] Hey, you think we could make them hate HARMA?

01.04.033

Harvey : Or those damnable Queens View people! They seem to be the cause of so much trouble! [Scratches at a sideburn] Er I mean, yes, HARMA, good thinking there, private! Good thinking indeed!

01.04.034

John: They already hate HARMA.

01.04.035

Fred: Finally! Some allies! When do we begin the revolution?

01.04.036

John: [Gestures to the crowd] It's already begun, my friend, and we will win. HARMA will disappear in a wave of violence, and The Swarm will inherit the earth.

01.04.037

Fred: [Punches a fist into the air.] Oh yeah! Let's get this- wait, what? What Swarm is this?

01.04.038

John: [Again gestures to the crowd] Mother Earth's people! [Gives them a wry look] Maybe you should have a word with Terry? He's the leader of The Swarm.

01.04.039

arm.

Dur: What he says makes a lot of sense... Or at least more sense than anything this group says...

01.04.039

Charlie: Yes, I believe we'd better. That doesn't sound like much of an improvement over the HARMA initiatives!

01.04.040

Harvey : I believe you're right, but we should tread carefully, what! The last thing we need is another group of zealous madmen hounding our every step! [To John] No offence meant, of course!

01.04.041

s madmen hounding our=0A> every step! [To John] No offence meant, of course!=0A=0AClint: [To John.] This Swarm... its members didn't have dreams of v= iolent deaths, right? You freaks all think you're special because of that,and it'll help you take over the world?=0A=0A=0A=0A

01.04.042

John: None taken. [Gives a smile] It's okay, we know that the Damned often react badly when confronted with their impending doom. Come on, I'll bring you to Terry's tent. [Talks to Clint on the way] Not so much take it over as inherit it, and not so much freaks as chosen ones. [Pauses to look at the hundreds of shaven headed people to the side] Well, maybe a little freakish.

[JOHN escorts the party around the edge of the audience, who are currently filling up large collection buckets with money, and then brings them to a large tent. WILLIAM is in here, sitting on a comfortable chair, smoking a cigarette.]

John: Excuse me for bothering you, Terry, but would it be possible for these nice people to meet with you for a while?

William: Sure, John, bring them in, and make sure they get a chance to donate on the way out.

01.04.043

ding doom. Come on,=0A> I'll bring you to Terry's tent. [Talks to Clint on the way] Not so=0A> much take it over as inherit it, and not so much freaks= as chosen=0A> ones. [Pauses to look at the hundreds of shaven headed people to the=0A> side] Well, maybe a little freakish.=0A> =0A> = A0 [JOHN escorts the party around the edge of the audience, who=0A> are currently filling up large collection buckets with money, and then=0A> brin= gs them to a large tent. WILLIAM is in here, sitting on a=0A> comfortable chair, smoking a cigarette.] =0A> =0A> John: Excuse me for bothering you, Ter= ry, but would it be possible for=0A> these nice people to meet with you fora while?=0A> =0A> William: Sure, John, bring them in, and make sure they g= et a chance to=0A> donate on the way out.=0A=0AClint: [Eyes the collection buckets.] Guys, this saving the world gig of ours doesn't pay like this... = We should have started a cult instead! Wealth, power, nubile young... [looks around again] well, wealth and power, anyway!=0A=0A=0A=0A=0A

01.04.044

William: Thanks John, you may leave us now.

[Exit JOHN.]

William: Well folks, pleased to meet you, I'm Terry. What can I do for you?

01.04.045

Dur: You can tell me where I can my head shaved!

01.04.046

William: Ah! A candidate! I certainly can, my friend. Just hand over twenty percent of all your property and belongings to my secretary, Terry, and we'll direct you to the barber, Terry. [Thinks for a moment, as he takes a drink] Although you might prefer Terry, [wags a finger in a mock stern way] although you know you shouldn't!

01.04.046

Charlie: [To Terry/William] Delighted to meet you. We are here to learn more about The Swarm. Could you tell us about it?

01.04.047


;;; Let's call him William when talking about him in []

;;; as there will be a lot of Terrys coming in soon!

William: Sure thing, baby. Hey, ever fancy having your head shaved? [Waves to some cushions on the floor] Take a seat.

[The party awkwardly sit around.]

William: Mother Earth is angry, angry with the lies and the hatred and the selfishness, so she has sentenced the evil doers to death. Her chosen ones, who escaped this sentence, are those who all had the same dream -- the struggle for the self is over, now we live for each other, for The Swarm.

01.04.048

Harvey: [To William] And for frequent head shavings, what! So, what is this Swarm, Terry?

01.04.049

me guess... It's a religious cult/autonomous collective with you at the head?=0A=0A=0A=0A=0A

01.04.050

William: We like the think of ourselves more of a group than a cult -- at least, that's what it says on the branding iron. I'm the head at the moment, but soon it will be Terry's turn. A true swarm can only be achieved by the sacrifice of the individual. Having a leader would compromise that.

01.04.051

Harvey : Are you not the leader?

01.04.052

William: Yes, but only for today. [Drinks some more wine] The Swarm is a collective, not a dictatorship.

01.04.053

Fred: But how do you elect the leader every day? A daily referendum?

01.04.054

William: [With a neutral tone] The leader just knows.

Alice: So where is all this going?

William: We're waiting for salvation. In the meantime, we're learning to give up our individuality.

Alice: And money?

William: Well, someone has to pay for all the barber tools!

01.04.055

Harvey: But what is the ultimate goal of the Swarm? Surely there is a plan to ensure this sort of thing doesn't happen again?

01.04.056

William: Sure there is, all the selfish, greedy and egoistical people will kill each other in violent ways, while we, the chosen ones, will inherit the earth and have our chance to prove to Mother Earth that we are worthy. It's just a matter of time before you people are killed off. [Takes another drink] You all had dreams of violent deaths, right?

01.04.057

Fred: This is so unfair! Why do you get to live and I have to die defending some wench? What have you done to deserve this?

01.04.058

Dur: What... Like you want a list?

01.04.059

Alice: Dur, if you could come up with even ONE example I'll be surprised!

William: [To Fred] I lived a good and pure life, free from the excesses and base desires of most people. [Finishes his drink and takes another drag of his cigarette] Now, unless you have any more questions, I have some people to lead.

01.04.060

Fred: Clearly there has been some mistake. [To the party] Obviously, we need to find Mother Earth and inform her.

01.04.061

Dur: Don't go screwing this up for me! I've never been chosen for anything!

01.04.061

William: [Laughs] Yeah, good luck with that!

[WILLIAM bounds out to the crowd, who give another cheer.]

William: The righteous truth is, there ain't nothing worse than some fool wearing psychedelic trousers, smoking damn cheese pretending he gettin' consciousness expansion. I want consciousness expansion, I go to my local tabernacle an' I sing!

Alice: [To the party] Mother Earth sure chooses her leaders strangely, doesn't she?

01.04.062

Alice: And with good reason, Dur! These guys are just a bunch of crazies! And that preacher? I mean, is it just me or does he just look wrong?

01.04.063

Harvey : It's not just you, dear niece! There is definitely something odd going on here!

01.04.064

[Enter SHELDON, peering into the tent.]

Sheldon: Ah! There you are! [Gives Harvey a big hug] Wow, it seems like years since we all saw each other! I had baked some more cookies that I thought you might like.

Alice: Er, Sheldon, didn't you have to travel hours to give them to us? Passed thousands of refugees? And had to get by the HARMA Initiative at the gate?

Sheldon: Sure did, but it's worth it for my bestest buddies!

01.04.065

ow, it seems=0A> like years since we all saw each other! I had baked some more cookies=0A> that I thought you might like.=0A> =0A> Alice: Er, Sheldon,= =0A=0A

01.04.066

Sheldon: [Puts his arm around Clint] Take three, heroes like you use up a lot of energy!

01.04.067

es three.] Great! Say, Sheldon, have you ever wanted to join a cult?=0A=0A=0A=0A

01.04.068

Sheldon: Good lord, no. I did once form a cult, though. For sacrificing virgins.

Alice: Really?

Sheldon: Well, when I say cult, I mean maths club, and when I say sacrificing virgins, I mean getting sandwiches for the members of the club.

Alice: The virgins?

Sheldon: Sadly, yes.

01.04.069

Harvey : Why dearest Alice, it sounds to me like you'd fit right into his club what! [Looks proudly at Alice] What with your love of all things mathematical! And of course, the sandwiches!

01.04.070

Sheldon: And she'd be surely welcome, as would any of you, seeing as how you're my best buds and all. I have two words for you guys ... . [gives an expectant look] mental [pause] hospital! [Looks excited]

Alice: [To Harvey] Oh, God, I hope not!

01.04.071

for you guys ...=0A> . [gives an expectant look] mental [pause] hospital! [Looks excited] =0A> =0A> Alice: [To Harvey] Oh, God, I hope not!=0A=0AClint: = Look, Shelly, just what are you trying to imply? [Glances from Charlie to Dur and back.] =0A=0A=0A=0A

01.04.072

Sheldon: The key to this mystery! There was a witness to the explosion, and I know where he is. You'll never guess!

01.04.073

Dur: [Guesses] In a mental hospital?

01.04.074

Sheldon: No! In a - [face drops] Hey! How did you know?! [Laughs out loud] Oh, you guys!

John: [Pokes his head in] Excuse me, folks, but would you mind keeping it down? Some of us are trying to be indoctrinated to group think out here.

Sheldon: [Aggressively] Hey! This is the Queens View Party! Any more of your lip and they'll kick your ass!

John: Is that a fact?

Sheldon: Well, actually, it's more of a [emphasis] conjecture than a fact, but it's backed up with solid empirical evidence!

01.04.075

Charlie: Quite! [To Sheldon, in a low voice] But do please be less vigorous in your defense of us. We do not seek to fight, especially under the circumstances. We are here to learn the situation so we may best make a plan, [eyes light up] or perhaps a series of plans!

01.04.076

Sheldon: Ah! Excellent idea! We can document them in my Plan Management System. [By way of explanation] It's a secure way of holding all your secret documents together, which can only be accessed through a cryptographic key. Yours is 512ab2321def19214a. [Hands over a folder to Alice]

Alice: [Writing the cryptographic key on the front of the folder] Hang on, 521...? Ah, forget it, let's just leave it unlocked.

Sheldon: [Gives a momentary twitch, but take this outrage in good humour] Suuure. [To Charlie, nodding] Right! Understood! We're going undercover. I have a friend, well, actually, not so much a friend as a colleague, although don't mistake that description as a suggestion that we work together because, although we're both in the same university department he cleeearly is struggling to maintain even the level of a first year grad-

All: [Frustrated and bored] Get on with it!

Sheldon: [Taken aback] Uh, sorry. [Regains his composure] Someone I know witnessed the explosion. [Dramatically] He's in a mental hospital. [Gravely] What do you think about that?

Alice: [Confused] The explosion was in a mental hospital?

Sheldon: No, it put him in a mental hospital.


;;; Go on! Someone take the bait, you know you want to!

01.04.077

Charlie: [Even more confused] What do you mean, it blew him inside the mental hospital?!

01.04.078

Fred: That's a fairly powerful explosion. And an incredible coincidence.

01.04.079

Harvey : And one I'm not too happy about! We can't have hundreds of unemployed men in white coats roving around with their big butterfly nets, what! T= hat's the traditional method for populating asylums. Now, call me old fashioned, but that seems to be the correct way!

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01.04.080

That's the traditional method for populating asylums. Now, call me old fashioned, but that seems to be the correct way!

Charlie: [To Harvey, reassuringly] I quite agree! And that's how we will have YOU committed, when your last thread of sanity snaps!

01.04.081

Sheldon: [Gives his twitch again] No, that's not quite what I meant, I mean he was put in one after the explosion. By government goons. Using over sized butterfly nets. He has some vital piece of information that someone wants to keep quiet.

01.04.082

zed >butterfly nets. He has some vital piece of information that someone wants to keep quiet.

Dur: Why didn't they just kill him? Don't they know that the Queen's View Party operates almost exclusively on the directives of madmen? It almost see= ms like the mental hospital would be the FIRST place we would look.

01.04.083

Alice: Actually, it seems like the mental hospital would be the first place we'd BE!

Sheldon: [To Dur] I don't know, you'd have to ask his wife about that.

01.04.084

Fred: How does his wife enter into this?

01.04.085

Sheldon: She doesn't, and that's the problem, they won't let her see him.

[A moment of silent confusion passes.]

Alice: I think he meant enter this situation, not enter this mental hospital.

Sheldon: Oh! She was with him and knows why they have imprisoned him rather than killing him.

01.04.086

Dur: Then perhaps we ought to speak to her first?

01.04.087

so grateful, he'll tell us whatever we need to know!=0A=0A=0A=0A

01.04.088

Alice: Sure, but we don't know what his name is, what he looks like, how he's dressed, what his favourite foods are, what music he listens to, none of that stuff. I vote we talk to his wife.

01.04.089

Harvey : Well said dear niece, we should speak to her first to see the lay of the land.

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01.04.089

Charlie: Splendid, then it's settled! Let us find this man's wife. [To Sheldon] Where would we find her, again?

01.04.090

Sheldon: Well, actually, to find her again one would have had to have found in already, in the past. However, she is in a tent about ten minutes north of here, towards the top of the hill.

[Exit ALL, except SHELDON.]


;;; End of scene, next one coming right up

01.04.090

lendid, then it's settled! Let us find this man's wife.=0A> [To Sheldon] Where would we find her, again?=0A=0AClint: [Clearly disappointed.] Well, = okay. But we're busting him out *after* we talk to his wife, right?=0A=0A=0A=0A

01.05.001

[Book VII, Act I, Scene V. Another tent. ALICE, CHARLIE, CLINT, DUR, FRED and HARVEY are here, approaching. Also here is SPAVEL SMURPHY, a HARMA Initiate, holding a megaphone, as well as several other HARMA Initiates, who are wandering around, clearly searching for something.]

Spavel: [To the party, over the megaphone even though they are just feet away] Please step back from the went!

01.05.002

Harvey : [To Spavel] Speak up, man! What was that you said?

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01.05.003

ssian inwention?=0A=0A=0A

01.05.004

Spavel: [Puts the megaphone down] No! I said step back from the went! This went is a crime scene, and once we remove the angry woman from within, we'll be taking it away.

01.05.005

Harvey : What woman within which went, we wandering wistful welldoers wonder, what?

Version 1 Software Ltd, T/A Version 1, is a limited company registered in Ireland Registered Office: Jervis House, Jervis Street, Dublin 1, Ireland Belfast Office: The Mount Business Centre, 2 Woodstock Link, Belfast BT6 8DD Tel NI: +44 28 90 730156 Registration No: 257302

01.05.006

Spavel: [Confused] What?

[A toaster is thrown from the tent and bonks SPAVEL, who has his back to the tent, on the head.]

Spavel: Ow! [To the party] Right! Which of you threw that?

01.05.007

Charlie: [Offended] Someone behind you, not us! [points to the tent]

01.05.008

Harvey : [Checks the toaster for toast]

Version 1 Software Ltd, T/A Version 1, is a limited company registered in Ireland Registered Office: Jervis House, Jervis Street, Dublin 1, Ireland Belfast Office: The Mount Business Centre, 2 Woodstock Link, Belfast BT6 8DD Tel NI: +44 28 90 730156 Registration No: 257302

01.05.009

[Alas the toaster is empty.]

Spavel: That bitch! [To the other Initiates] Let's drag her out and beat her up.

01.05.010

Charlie: [To Harvey] Colonel, surely you'll not allow this? You know from your own experience that it is the Phili-given right of every married woman to hurl small appliances at her husband without fear of retribution!

01.05.011

Fred: Er, do we really have to come to the aid of this woman? I mean, I'm already supposed to die once for doing so, I would rather not tempt fate...

01.05.012

Spavel: She's not my wife! Her husband was dragged off to a mental hospital, and I'm sure you can guess why.

Alice: Was it part of some heavy handed approach to a massive HARMA cover up of possibly the most dramatic events to happen in the Realms in living memory, that appear to have impacted almost every person on the planet?

Spavel: [Taken aback] Well, that's one way of looking at it, I suppose.

01.05.013

Fred: Ah, standard daily routine then. Still, let's try to handle this peacefully, all right? [Pauses] Yeah, that felt very weird to say.

01.05.014

Spavel: Yeah? Who the hell do you think you are? Some sort of crack undercover HARMA squad sent in tame the savage beast?

01.05.015

Harvey : I thought our mission was supposed to be secret!

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01.05.015

Charlie: [Laughs] Hardly! We merely wish to speak to the hysterical toaster-thrower. Perhaps we can talk some sense into her!

01.05.016

Dur: Errr... And if not, at least we can provide you with a much needed distraction so that you could go in and extract her. She can't throw toasters = at all of us now can she?

01.05.017

Fred: A piece of advice, Dur. Do not underestimate the fury of an angry woman.

01.05.018

Charlie: [To Fred] Indeed, and it's probably best if Dur does not underestimate toasters, either!

01.05.019

Dur: Oh believe me, I have had plenty of the softer sex angry with me. The trick is to make one of their legs shorter than the other during surgery, t= hen they can not run as fast when they are chasing you after you botched a simple nose job...

01.05.020

Alice: Softer sex? I thought that was you, Dur!

Spavel: [Confused at the party] Uh, okay, you can go in and distract her, but no funny business and no toaster throwing, okay?

01.05.021

act=0A> her, but no funny business and no toaster throwing, okay?=0A=0AClint: Yeah, sure. Hey, how many toasters can she have in there, anyway? But = if I were you, I'd look out for rolling pins!=0A=0A=0A=0A

01.05.022

Alice: Nah, we'll be fine Clint -- the place is too bumpy to be rolling pins at us.

[The party cautiously approach the tent. When they are about two feet away, an angry looking woman looks out. This is TIMIDIA BARNACLE.]

Timidia: [Holding up a toaster] I thought I told you HARMA idiots to get the hell away from here!

01.05.023

Charlie: [Shielding her head] Do calm down! We are not affiliated with HARMA.

01.05.024

Timidia: [Slowly lowering the toaster] Are you sure? Because if you are... [shakes the toaster aggressively]

Alice: Hey! Be careful! You're getting crumbs all over us!

Timidia: And they're sharp! So be warned! Now, what the hell do you people want?

01.05.025

Charlie: [In a low voice] We would like to talk to you about your husband.

01.05.026

ll you're getting all these toasters from!=0A=0A=0A=0A

01.05.027

Timidia: Okay, well, come on in.

[The party enter the tent, which has a pile of about forty toasters.]

Timidia: Big toaster sale a few months back. Now, what about my husband?

01.05.028

Fred: [Looking around warily.] We know he witnessed the explosion, and we want to know why HARMA imprisoned him instead of killing him.

01.05.029

Harvey : Were you there also when the explosion happened?

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01.05.030

Timidia: I didn't do it! I was in the toilet at the time. The first thing I knew about it was when debris start raining down on me. My husband, Bill, was much closer to the centre than we are now, and saw it up close. [To Fred] He has a record of what happened, and HARMA want it.

01.05.031

Harvey : No doubt they do! Is that why they captured you and your husband?

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01.05.032

Timidia: It's why they captured him, they haven't captured me yet. One of them came near me, the one who couldn't pronounce vent, but I waved my toaster and him and bap!

Alice: Wow! You hit him with the toaster?

Timidia: No, I meant, would you like a bap?

[K-ching! The toaster pops up a freshly toasted bap.]

Alice: Yay! [Takes a look] Aw, what gyp, two bottoms!

01.05.033

Charlie: Could you tell us, what did your husband see?

01.05.034

Harvey : Indeed, that would be most helpful my dear! Almost as helpful as another brace of toasted baps, what!

Version 1 Software Ltd, T/A Version 1, is a limited company registered in Ireland Registered Office: Jervis House, Jervis Street, Dublin 1, Ireland Belfast Office: The Mount Business Centre, 2 Woodstock Link, Belfast BT6 8DD Tel NI: +44 28 90 730156 Registration No: 257302

01.05.035

Timidia: I don't know! He was on his own, testing out his new Instaportrait machine. It can produce a portrait of something in just a few seconds, and he had it set to produce a portrait of the top of Clementine every five seconds for an hour. The explosion happened halfway through, so he has a set of paintings showing exactly what happened. That's what HARMA want.

01.05.036

Charlie: How thrilling! Could we see the paintings?

01.05.037

Timidia: That's just the problem -- he hid them. He wouldn't tell me what was in them because it's all too shocking. I have very delicate sensi- [spots Spavel lurking about outside the tent] Hey! Get the hell away, you prick! [Throws a toaster at him, striking him in the head, before turning to the party again] Delicate sensibilities, you know.

Alice: Wow! You should be in the basetoaster pro league!

01.05.038

Harvey : [Applauds] Well struck madam! Such a true aim! [Scratches at his sideburn] So, we need some way of speaking directly with your husband, to fi= nd out the location of these paintings.

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01.05.039

Timidia: The HARMA Initiative took him away, and threw him in a jail masquerading as a mental hospital. They said that they won't let him out until he tells them where the portraits are.

01.05.040

Charlie: And you haven't the faintest idea where we might look for these portraits?

01.05.041

Fred: Silly woman. Obviously our mission is to spring the man out of prison, preferably with many explosions, killings and winning the heart of an easily impressed and scantily clad woman along the way.

01.05.042

Charlie: And how do you propose we do that? Storm the institution and hope for the best?

01.05.043

Dur: Well, obviously. Of course we wouldn't HAVE to wing these missions if you made plans for us well in advance to us needing them. Honestly, aren't = you supposed to be the organized one?

01.05.043

Alice: Right! Sounds like we have a plan!

01.05.044

Charlie: [Gasps] But, I am the organized one! Haven't you seen my notebooks?! [Shakes a notepad at Dur]

01.05.045

Alice: That's a pretty small notebook, Charlie. What is it? A list of smart things Dur has said?

01.05.045

Last of Heather #44

Fred: I guess we have to incite the Swarm to storm the jail then. In the ensuing carnage, we can retrieve Mr. What's-his-face and maybe throw a few punches at HARMA Initiates along the way. Eh?

01.05.046

neak into the mental hospital using our knowledge of HARMA protocols, rescue the old guy under HARMA's noses, and blow up the place on our way out to = hide the evidence!=0A=0A=0A=0A

01.05.047

on our way out to hide the evidence!

Harvey : Honestly private Scar, how is murdering a bunch of inmates going to improve anything?

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01.05.047

Alice: Good idea, Stinky! Now, if only we had a party member who could easily pull off being a mental patient.

01.05.048

nt: [Looking around the party.] I don't think that'll be a problem. I say we use Charlie!=0A=0A=0A=0A

01.05.049

Charlie: Don't be absurd! I'm a highly respected university professor, hardly the sort to end up in a mental institution. Naturally, Dur is the clear choice.

01.05.050

Alice: He does have slightly more drool down his shirt than the rest of you.

01.05.051

Dur: [Wipes away the drool from his blank stare] That not fair! You know I have over active salavatory glands!=20

01.05.052

int: [Shrugs.] Yeah, but Dur's not an obsessive-compulsive tightass, and anyway, we want whoever we get committed to be able to get back out, right?= =0A=0A=0A=0A

01.05.053

Alice: [Wipes some saliva off her back] Ew! Dur!

[Enter DOCTOR CRASIER FRANE, holding a huge butterfly net.]

Crasier: [With a genial smile] Hello there, I'm Doctor Crasier Frane.

01.05.054

utterfly net.]=0A> =0A> Crasier: [With a genial smile] Hello there, I'm Doctor Crasier Frane.=0A=0AClint: What's up, Doc?=0A=0A=0A=0A

01.05.055

Dur: [Attempting to set the whole group straight, unaware of Crazier's sudden appearance] I'M NOT CRAZY!

=20

01.05.056

Crazier: [Laughs gently] I'm certainly glad to hear that. [Swoops his net over Dur and addresses the party] Is this Mrs. Barnacle?

01.05.057

Harvey : Good afternoon, doctor! And what would happen if this indeed were,Mrs Barnacle?

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01.05.058

Crazier: Why, then we would bring her to the nearest re-education centre and make her well again! This is Mrs. Barnacle, isn't it? I mean, it's a well known fact that only a crazy person would shout about how much they're not crazy.

01.05.059

Fred: That's not Mrs. Barnacle, but I'm not going to tell you that. [Crosses arms]

01.05.060

Crazier: I see, I see. So, [paces the tent thoughtfully, before whirling to face Fred] are you Mrs. Barnacle?

01.05.061

Charlie: That's really a rather rough way to treat the mentally ill, doctor!

01.05.062

Crazier: I'll have you know that great strides have been made in the gentleness with which patients get treated in recent years. Why, this net is no longer made out of rusty but sharp copper wire, we've moved to cotton. Sometimes I think it feels so nice that people pretend to be crazy so they can be caught in it. Of course, that kind of behaviour means they really are crazy, so they need to be caught in it.

Alice: So, uh, [pats Fred on the shoulder] Mrs. Barnacle here is one of our patients, so we'd like to accompany her to the hospital. [To the party] Isn't that right?

01.05.063

Charlie: Indeed, she's mad as a hatter! Can you lead us into the hospital so we may make our dear friend comfortable?

01.05.064

Crazier: [Looks Fred up and down] We're gonna need a bigger net. Give me a moment.

[CRAZIER exits the tent.]

Alice: This is the perfect plan! Now, if only there weren't dozens of enraged HARMA men outside who recognize Timidia and who will call us out immediately as fakers.

01.05.065

Fred: I... I don't... I don't understand. I'm not Mrs. Barnacle...

01.05.066

Alice: Good work, Fred, that sounds like just the kind of thing Crazy Mrs. Barnacle would say. Stick a toaster on each hand and cover his head and her own mother wouldn't be able to tell the difference.

01.05.067

Harvey : Indeed Mrs Barnacle! Time to don your toaster gloves and your blanket hat, what! [Picks up two toasters] Got to wrap up nice and warm against= the cold, eh!

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01.05.068

Timidia: [Holds up a pink blanket] This ought to do!

01.05.069

Charlie: [Admires Fred] How lovely! Pink really is your color, I must say.

01.05.070

Harvey: And to complete the illusion, Mrs Barnacle! [Holds up a pair of baps]

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01.05.071

Alice: Hey! Who took a bite out of one of the baps?

01.05.072

Harvey : [Chomping as slowly as possible, shrugs] Mimummo!

Version 1 Software Ltd, T/A Version 1, is a limited company registered in Ireland Registered Office: Jervis House, Jervis Street, Dublin 1, Ireland Belfast Office: The Mount Business Centre, 2 Woodstock Link, Belfast BT6 8DD Tel NI: +44 28 90 730156 Registration No: 257302

01.05.073

Alice: [Glares at Dur] Oh, nice going, Dur!

[Enter CRAZIER, holding a net so enormous it could hold the entire party.]

Crazier: Er, I'm afraid this is all we have. Perhaps you could keep a grip on Mrs. Barnacle so she can, uh, keep a grip on reality?

01.05.074

Dur: Hey, we don't tell you how to go around doing your job do we? We assure you she is quite secure!

01.05.075

Crazier: Oh-kay!

[The party exit, with FRED covered in a tiny pink blanket and with toasters on his hands. SPAVEL approaches to taunt.]

Spavel: Take her out of my sight! It will be a pleasure to enter her went and search through it!

01.05.076

s hands. SPAVEL approaches to taunt.]=0A> =0A> Spavel: Take her out of my sight! It will be a pleasure to enter her=0A> went and search through it!=0A= 0AClint: Not in front of the children [nods towards Dur and Charlie] you sick bastard! =0A=0A=0A=0A

01.05.077

Fred: [Mumbles confusedly] B-but I'm not Mrs. Barnacle... I'm... I'm Frederick Hrothgar Goreblood, chieftain of the- oh how the mighty have fallen... [Trails off into unintelligible muttering]

01.05.078

Spavel: Oh, so you're a chieftain, eh? Well, no wonder you are so good at attacking people with toasters, then! You'll be sorry you tried to make me look bad. Look at you, hands in toasters, pink hanky over your head, who looks stupid now?

[SPAVEL enters the tent, only to get smacked in the face with a four-slice toaster, before falling into a previously unknown mound of cow dung. The party hurry away, with CRAZIER struggling to keep up.]

Crazier: [Stops for a rest, fortunately out of view of Spavel and the others] Please! Hold on a moment, I need a few minutes.

Alice: [Looking around] Hey, look at this. [Points at literally hundreds of "Wanted" pictures stapled to all the trees around]

[The poster is for MELODY KINDLE, and say "Wanted: Big reward for super evil mastermind type."]

Alice: She doesn't look that evil, does she?

01.05.079

Dur: [Inspecting the poster] No more evil than any other woman...

01.05.080

Alice: Poor Dur. If you weren't so disgusting and pathetic I'd give you a hug.

Crazier: [Regaining his breath] Yes, indeed, posters have been up all over the place for the last few weeks.

01.05.081

Yes, indeed, posters have been up all=0A> over the place for the last few weeks.=0A=0AClint: [Tears the poster down and stuffs it in a pocket.] Well,= I'll just hold on to this one... uh.... so we can make sure it's her if we see her! Yeah, that's it! Now c'mon, doc, take the poor deluded fool to= the loony bin already!=0A=0A=0A

01.05.082

Charlie: Yes, let's do please hurry! She's in quite a state.

01.05.083

Crazier: Yes, yes, of course! Come on, now, Mrs. Barnacle, let's go get you some nice slices of bread.

[Everyone moves on, and soon come to the hospital.]

Alice: What? You can't be serious! [To Crazier] That's the craziest thing I've ever seen!

Crazier: Well, it's a mental hospital, what do you expect?


;;; End of scene, next one coming right up

01.06.001

[Book VII, Act I, Scene VI. The Hospital. ALICE, CHARLIE, CLINT, DUR, FRED and HARVEY are here, along with CRAZIER FRANE. The hospital appears to be an enormous inflatable church.]

Alice: [To Crazier] Really? This is where you keep the crazy people? It's a little...unorthodox, isn't it?

Crazier: Actually, I think you'll find that it [chortles as he emphasizes the next word] is orthodox, it's from The Orthodox Church of Phili.

<A><A href=http://queens-view.com/Resources/hospital.jpg> The Hospital </A>

01.06.002

Harvey : [Laughs long and loud] Careful doctor, with a wit that sharp, you risk bursting your own church!

Version 1 Software Ltd, T/A Version 1, is a limited company registered in Ireland Registered Office: Jervis House, Jervis Street, Dublin 1, Ireland Belfast Office: The Mount Business Centre, 2 Woodstock Link, Belfast BT6 8DD Tel NI: +44 28 90 730156 Registration No: 257302

01.06.002

Charlie: [Skeptically] Surely all that bouncing about can't be good for delicate nerves?

01.06.003

Alice: If that's the case, I bet they can just have a cigarette to calm them down.

Crazier: [Urgently and a little panicky] No! [Calms down] I mean, [gives a smile] there's no smoking here.

[As the party get closer, they can see that there are a large number of heavily armed HARMA Initiates around the perimeter of the hospital.]

01.06.004

Crazier: Ah, yes, it's one of the risks they take by having me in such a confined space. [Thinks for a moment] Well, that and the flatulence, of course. Now, as you can see that she has arrived safely, you can be on your way.

01.06.005

Harvey : But doctor, look at those ne'erdowells hanging around outside the gates! They look like trouble to me! We will accompany you both inside just= to make sure there is no unpleasantness, what!

Version 1 Software Ltd, T/A Version 1, is a limited company registered in Ireland Registered Office: Jervis House, Jervis Street, Dublin 1, Ireland Belfast Office: The Mount Business Centre, 2 Woodstock Link, Belfast BT6 8DD Tel NI: +44 28 90 730156 Registration No: 257302

01.06.006

Crazier: Oh no, they are all extremely decent, gentle types, I can assure you, there is nothing to worry about.

[The party turn to look at them; they are, without doubt, an extremely unpleasant looking bunch, who barely resemble the clean cut HARMA types. These ones have ill-fitting uniforms, poor personal hygiene and appear to be scratching their crotches way more often than the HARMA Initiates the party have seen before.]

Alice: Frankly the level of scratching and poor personal hygiene concerns me. I mean, look at them, they're nearly as bad as Clint or Dur!

01.06.007

Charlie: Yes, do let us help accompany this poor sad creature into the hospital. Your burden is quite heavy enough without worrying with transporting her safely.

01.06.008

Fred: [Sulking] Just leave me here. You guys are jerks anyway...

01.06.009

Charlie: [Reassuringly] Not to worry, madam! We shall never abandon you.

01.06.010

Crazier: [A little on edge] Er, I really would prefer that you didn't, but if you insist, well, I suppose you can come in, but do be aware that there are some, shall we say, unusual treatments in this particular jail, er, I mean, hospital.

01.06.011

Harvey : Of course! No doubt all for the betterment of your prisoners, er, I mean, patients! Lead the way, dear doctor!

01.06.012

[CRAZIER leads the party through the surprisingly sturdy doors, where they are met by a HARMA Initiate, HURA O'RURA.]

Hura: And what do we have here? The delightful Mrs. Barnacle, I hope?

01.06.013

Fred: [Responds with a rumbling, ill-tempered growl.]

01.06.014

Hura: That's super! [To Crazier] You know you can't go any further, only official HARMA personnel are permitted beyond the crazy line. [Points to a wiggly line painted on the floor, before smiling at the party] Now, unless you are official HARMA personnel, I need to ask you to leave.

01.06.015

Charlie: I see. What evidence would you need?

01.06.016

Harvey : And ask yourself this, dear woman, while you're pondering that. What evidence would a secret HARMA taskforce need to provide? Or indeed carry! Well?

01.06.017

Hura: If you are undercover HARMA Initiates, which your clothing suggests you might be, then you should know the se-

Alice: Are you a HARMA member?

Hura: [Taken aback] Oh, I guess you are members. Right then, come on in.

[The party cross the line, leaving CRAZIER behind.]

Crazier: But that's a stupid test! It doesn't prove anything at all!

Hura: You failed it.

Crazier: That's why it's stupid!

Alice: [To Hura] Looks like maybe we should be checking him in here!

01.06.018

[The party cross the line, leaving CRAZIER behind.]
=0A> =0A> Crazier: But that's a stupid test! It doesn't prove anything at all!=0A> =0A> Hura: You f= ailed it.=0A> =0A> Crazier: That's why it's stupid!=0A> =0A> Alice: [To Hura] Looks like maybe we should be checking him in here!=0A=0AClint: Don't wo= rry, babe, we'll handle it! [Nudges Crazier ahead of the party, none-too-gently.] In here, you. AND your patient.=0A=0A=0A=0A

01.06.019

Crazier: No! Please! You don't understand what they do to people here! [Tears start to well up in his eyes] Please! It's awful!

Alice: Yeesh, maybe we should have got him to pretend to be the wife? He's way more of a woman than Timidia or Fred!

01.06.020

s awful!=0A> =0A> Alice: Yeesh, maybe we should have got him to pretend to be the wife?=0A> He's way more of a woman than Timidia or Fred!=0A=0AClint:= Not, uh, that we have anyone pretending to be the wife with us. Nosireehjimbob! =0A=0A=0A=0A

01.06.021

Hura: I was thinking we should bring the wife into his cell and beat her until he tells us where they portraits are. What do you think?

01.06.022

Fred: Violence? Did someone mention violence? Can I have some?

01.06.023

Charlie: [To Fred] No doubt very soon! [To Hura] I think that's a dreadful idea. Studies show that interrogated suspects often lie when tortured, so any information gained in that manner is highly suspicious!

01.06.023

sure there'll be plenty of violence once we and a select few of our associates go into a dank room where there will be no witnesses to testify to the = horrific beatings that will take place!=0A=0A=0A=0A

01.06.024

Hura: [Offended at Charlie's outrageous comments] Nonsense! We know he has the information, so of course it's fair to beat it out of him, or even beat his wife until he gives it to us. Now, if you're too squeamish, then you can wait outside the dank, windowless room while I get the information. It shouldn't take me too very long. And don't you worry, the room is soundproof, so you won't hear any screaming. And there's a special odour mask, so you won't get to smell the fear from there.

[The entourage gets to a huge heavy door that smells like a new car.]

Hura: We're here.

01.06.025

eat it out of him, or=0A> even beat his wife until he gives it to us. Now, if you're too=0A> squeamish, then you can wait outside the dank, windowless= room while I=0A> get the information. It shouldn't take me too very long. And don't you=0A> worry, the room is soundproof, so you won't hear any scre= aming. And=0A> there's a special odour mask, so you won't get to smell the fear from=0A> there.=0A> =0A> [The entourage gets to a= huge heavy door that smells like a new =0A> car.] =0A> =0A> Hura: We're here.=0A=0AClint: Ha! The room where we can do anything we want and no one wi= ll ever know! [Pops his knuckles.] I'm in!=0A=0A=0A=0A=0A

01.06.026

Hura: It's a bit of a squeeze if everyone comes in, but I'd really like to see him crumble when you start to torture his wife, so can one of you wait outside?

01.06.027

Charlie: [To Hura] Good idea! Why don't [looks over the party then points to Hura] YOU wait outside?

01.06.028

Hura: Well, this is most irregular!

Alice: Look, we're well lubricated, uh, that is, we like lube, er, I mean [clicks her fingers] we're part of a well oiled machine!

[The party are let into the cell, which is tiny, so that everyone is crammed in with virtually no space, and the door closed behind them. There is a bored looking man sitting here, who has clearly been badly beaten. This is WILSON BARNACLE.]

Wilson: What now? More of your barbaric [finger quotes] therapy?

01.06.029

Fred: I can't say anything about therapy, but I'm game for anything barbaric.

01.06.030

Crazier: Great! [To Wilson] What do you think of this? [Whips the blanket off Fred]

Wilson: [Looks Fred up and down] Pretty big, and his toasters look like my wife's ones.

01.06.031

Harvey : That is because they are, good sir! We tricked those HARMA brutes into believing a member of our party was your kind wife.

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01.06.032

Crazier: What? How dare you! [Turns and starts banging on the door] Help! Help!

Wilson: Well done, sir, but to what end?

01.06.033

Harvey : Why, to gain entrance and speak with you about the explosion! Excuse me a moment! [Harvey attempts a knock out karate chop on Craziers neck] = Hiiie-ya!

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01.06.034

[It takes quite a bit of shuffling around, but eventually HARVEY gets enough space to deliver the chop, and CRAZIER is knocked unconscious.]

Wilson: Thank god. He's a very annoying man. What do you want to know?

01.06.035

Charlie: Where are your paintings of the explosion? It would be most useful to us in learning more about what has happened.

01.06.036

Wilson: Hidden, where those HARMA fools will never find them. Get me out of here and they're yours, as long as you're not a HARMA idiot, of course. In fact, let me perform a little test. [Fixes the party with a steely gaze] Are you members of the HARMA Initiative?

01.06.037

Fred: You're a member of the HARMA Initiative! How else can you know the secret question that we so easily guessed ourselves?

01.06.038

Wilson: [Taken aback] Uh.. Hey! If you so easily guessed it, maybe [tries to point dramatically at Fred, but the cell is crammed with people he can barely move] you're the members of the HARMA Initiative!

Alice: Or maybe it's just a stupid test?

Wilson: Can't it be both?

01.06.039

Harvey : Surely we are far too decent to be members of those rogues, what!

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01.06.040

Fred: I was actually going to go for a "more sensible and morally relaxed" approach. But yes, decent should suffice.

01.06.041

Winston: Okay, you've got yourself a deal. The portraits are hidden in a chest that's buried exactly 100 yards east of where my tent is. I haven't seen them, as HARMA were already on the way when I went to collect them. So, how are we going to get me out of here?

01.06.042

Fred: Whatever do you mean, get you out of here? [Chortles] Come on guys, let's go dig up these pictures.

01.06.043

Wilson: Uh uh! Unless you get me out of here, I won't tell you where my tent is.

01.06.044

out by making them think you're him! [Points to Crazier.] Just wear his clothes, and we'll have to shave you, and voila! =0A=0A=0A=0A;;; Busy, busy= morning! Sorry all.=0A=0A=0A

01.06.045

Harvey : [Feels the stubble on his chin] Sadly not dear niece! I have become most unkempt and scruffy! [Loudly] You're doing a fine job with that mans= hair, dear niece!

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01.06.045

Wilson: I'm already wearing his clothes! [Bends over] Okay, shave away.

Alice: Snip snip snip! [Whispers to the party] Let's just pretend we're cutting it, as I assume no one has a razor on them.


;;; Tsk!

01.06.046

Alice: Why, thank you, Uncle Harvey. [Conversationally to Wilson] So, going anywhere nice on holidays this year?

Wilson: Oh, you know how it is, I'll take the missus somewhere for a short break.

Alice: Aw, that'll be lovely. Oops, did I nick you there?

Wilson: Just a little prick.

Alice: Speaking of little pricks, let's make sure that crazy Crazier doesn't wake up. There! All done!

01.06.047

Harvey : My Huflungdung knockout technique should keep him [points to Crazier] for a good few hours, what!

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01.06.048


;;; Heather's out today

Charlie: Excellent! He can't do any more harm now.

[Parp! CRAZIER gives an enormous fart.]


;;; As he warned he would back in 01.06.004!

Alice: Yikes! Okay, let's get out of here. [Turns to the door] Hey! There's no handle! And it's sound proof! And it smells like new - well, maybe not so new car!

01.06.049

Fred: I'll handle this! [Shoves through to the door and optimistically tries to force it open with his shoulder.]

01.06.050

[FRED gives the door a shove, but can't really get much momentum.]

Charlie: On the count of three, let's all shove!

[The party do as suggested, only for HURA to open the door that very instant, with the result that she is crushed by a shower of party members pouring out the door.]

Hura: [Underneath everyone] Ow.

01.06.051

Fred: Oh hey there. Would you help us escape past the HARMA members outside?

01.06.052

Hura: Sure, what would you like me to - hey! Wait a minute! I'm the HARMA member who's supposed to be outside! Let me up this instant so I can go out and report you!

01.06.053

Dur: What if we don't believe that you are a true Harma member? Then WE would have to report YOU! What's the secret question?

01.06.054

Hura: Please! I can't breathe!

Alice: Oh for Phili's sake! That's not even a question! Let's throw her in the cell!

01.06.054

stion?=0A=0AClint: [Tries to move behind Hura so he can bop her over the head and lock her in the lethally stinky room with Crazier.] =0A=0A=0A=0A =

01.06.055


;;; Remember, she's trapped under the party!

[CLINT smacks HURA on the back of the head with a toaster and knocks her out cold. She's quickly tossed into the foul smelling cell.]

Charlie: Excellent work, group! Now, if we can get out of here without drawing attention to-

[Crash! CHARLIE is interrupted by ALICE knocking over a priceless looking, if inexplicably placed, vase.]

Alice: Oops!

[Enter BAX MEESLEY, a man in his late thirties, wearing a suit, but carrying a sword. He draws his sword as soon as he sees the party.]

Bax: Stop right there!

01.06.056

into the foul smelling=0A> cell.]=0A> =0A> Charlie: Excellent work, group!Now, if we can get out of here without=0A> drawing attention to-=0A> =0A> = 0A> =0A> [Enter BAX MEESLEY, a man in his late thirties, wearing a suit,=0A> but carrying a sword. He draws his sword as soon as he = sees the=0A> party.] =0A>=0A> Bax: Stop right there!=0A=0AClint: Are you a fellow HARMA member? Because if so, we could use your help! This woman tri= ed to free the prisoner!=0A=0A=0A=0A

01.06.057

Bax: I'm not in HARMA, and I think I'd better call security, we can let them sort it out.

01.06.058

Harvey : I'm sure they are all too busy dosing, drinking, or hosing down innocent patients with freezing cold water, for us to disturb them.

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01.06.059

Bax: There are no innocent patients, only those who haven't realised their crimes.

01.06.060

lds up one of the toasters for Bax to look at and, if Bax does so and giveshim an opening, clobbers him with it.]=0A=0A=0A=0A

01.06.061

Fred: Wait a minute, I've seen you before! I have to murder you, now where is my axe? [Looks around]

01.06.062

Alice: [Hands it over, barely able to hold it up] Here, Fred, I was looking after it while you were Mad Mrs. Barnacle. You know, you could have warned me that it's not a good thing to cut toenails with.

[BAX is too far away for CLINT to hit him, so he instead throws the toaster at him. BAX turns to avoid it and it hits him on the back, but doesn't do any great damage.]

Bax: [Turning back to face the party] Ow! That could have hurt. [Looks at Fred] Really? Then how come I've never seen you before? What are you? Some sort of nancy boy stalker who hangs around in trees watching me undressing through the window? Fantasising about me having pillow fights with my friends?

01.06.063

Charlie: [To Fred] How do you know this person? Why do you feel compelled to kill him?

01.06.064

Fred: Thank you Alice. [To Charlie] He kills me in my dream. Luckily for me, the circumstances were different, so I can evade my fate by destroying him now. [Advances on Bax, hefting his axe] Don't worry, this will only be unbelievably agonizing until you die.

01.06.065

Harvey : How and why did he kill you in your dream? Because you attacked him with your axe the first time you met him?

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01.06.065

Bax: [Swings his sword at Fred, who parries the blow] Bring it on, fat boy!

01.06.066

Fred: He blindsided me with a knife- [Swings at Bax] -when I tried to save a damsel in distress! And I'm not fat! I'm just like a little bulky!

01.06.067

Bax: [Pulls back to make another swing, but receives a tremendous blow to the chest from Fred's axe] Argh! [Falls back against one of the bouncy walls before falling to the floor] Why? Why? [Coughs up some blood] I don't even know who you are!

01.06.068

Harvey : [To Valur] Good God man, are you mad? Troop! Give that man some aide! The big lummox has just tried to commit an unprovoked murder! [Attempts= to help Bax]

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01.06.069

Dur: What do you think I am? Some kind of doctor?

01.06.069

Charlie: [Tries to restrain Fred] Do control yourself! Surely there's a more peaceful solution to this potential problem. And, in any case, we are not certain these dreams are prophecy. They could be a trick, designed to create chaos of this very kind! [To Dur] Help the Colonel, quickly!

01.06.070

Alice: [To Charlie] Are you trying to kill him too??

[Poor old BAX expires, coughing up blood. Almost immediately, FRED faints.]

01.06.071

ost immediately,=0A> FRED faints.]=0A=0AClint: [Snags Bax's sword.] What the hell just happened? We better talk about it after we get the hell out of= here, though! [Grabs Fred by an ankle so he can drag him along with the rest of the group.] =0A=0A=0A=0A

01.06.072

Alice: [Grabs another ankle] Yikes! He's big, isn't he? [Looks around] You know, we're going to look a bit suspicious carrying out a six foot six barbarian. [Puts the tiny pink towel over Fred] There, much better!

01.06.073

arrying out a six foot=0A> six barbarian. [Puts the tiny pink towel over Fred] There, much better!=0A=0AClint: [Dubious.] Maybe we could say he's, uh,= a dead patient and we're taking him out back to be disposed of? Or, he's a wandering toaster salesman, and... same thing! [Drapes a few toasters ov= er Fred.] =0A=0A=0A=0A

01.06.074

Alice: Maybe we could wake him up? [Leans in close to Fred and shouts] Wakeup!

01.06.075

Charlie: Yes, and do hurry, group! We mustn't dilly-dally with this horrific murder scene to incriminate us. [Tries to give Fred a few brisk face slaps]

01.06.075

Fred: [Wakes up with a gasp and grabs his throat.] Gragflgh! [Clears his throat.] Ah, now that was very interesting... ERHEM!

01.06.076

Alice: He's waking up -- let's slap him some more! [Slap. Not to hurt, just enough to annoy]

01.06.077

Dur: It's a good thing you woke when you did, we were about to donate your organs to dinner... Errrr... Science.

01.06.078

Last from Kevin 77

Alice: Right! If we're all finished eyeing up each others organs, let's get thr barnacles out of here.

01.06.079

Fred: [Stands up and collects his axe, rubbing his red cheeks.] Aye, let's get out of here. I may have evaded my death by throatstabbing, but I still haven't escaped the whole "dreaming of your death" phenomenon. At least now we know our fates aren't entirely set in stone.

01.06.080

Charlie: [Uneasily] Indeed, but do please refrain from murderous attacks henceforth, at least until we know more about these dreams!

01.06.081

Last from heather 80

Alice: [Nods] Always good advice! Does this mean you had another dream, Fred?

01.06.082

Fred: Yes I did. This time I'll die by a poisoned sandwich. I was still speaking to the same man as in the first dream. Also, you two [looks at Alice and Charlie] were there. No, I'm not going to kill him as soon as I see him! Not until after some aggressive interrogation at least...

01.06.083

Alice: Were there any other clues? You know, that would help you figure out if it happens sooner or later than the first one?

01.06.084

t one?=0A=0AClint: And this time, whatever you do, don't go taking your issues out on innocent sandwiches!=0A=0A=0A=0A

01.06.085

Fred: [To Alice] Aye, I saw the same book as in the previous dream, "Tabula Rasa", but it was smaller, maybe a pocket edition, or an abridged version. Clint, don't worry, I'm not a mindless barbarian. [Crouches down by Bax to search him for valuables.]

01.06.086

Alice: Or maybe shorter! Maybe it means you get to die sooner?

[FRED searches through BAX's pockets and finds 30GP along with an identification card that says BAX is a "Special Consultant", although not what he is a special consultant in.]

01.06.087

Charlie: Best to hang onto that card. We might be able to use it to gain entrance somewhere! Do leave the money, though. Isn't it all a bit common, stealing from the dead?

01.06.088

Alice: Not common enough! We've got no cash, and surely the dead guy here wouldn't deny us a few expenses as we save the world? And if the majority of those expenses go towards hair care products, well, who really wants the world to be saved if its heroes don't have great hair?

01.06.089

Fred: It's only common if you didn't kill him yourself. And indeed I don't have anything against my hair being a little more shiny and alive. [Pockets the gold and the card.] Now, let us exit nonchalantly, yes?

01.06.090

Alice: Alright Fred! Let's find us a hair salon!

[The party stroll out the door, trying very hard to look nonchalant, with the overall effect that they look very stilted indeed. Fortunately, the only guard who was around on the way in is HURA, who is now locked in the cell. The party cross the crazy line and are almost to the gate.]

Alice: I don't want to jinx us or anything, but I think it's safe to say that Phili himself can't stop us from escap-

[ALICE is interrupted by a loud, angry voice shouting from behind them.]

Voice: Hey! Where do you think you're going?

01.06.091

to look=0A> nonchalant, with the overall effect that they look very stilted=0A> indeed. Fortunately, the only guard who was around on the way in is= nything, but I think it's safe to=0A> say that Phili himself can't stop us from escap-=0A> =0A> [ALICE is interrupted by a loud, angry voi= ce shouting from behind =0A> them.] =0A> =0A> Voice: Hey! Where do you thinkyou're going?=0A=0AClint: Uhhh... as loyal HARMA members, we're off to sup= press incorrect thought wherever we find it!=0A=0A=0A=0A=0A

01.06.092

[The party turn to look at who is responsible for all the shouting. It is SUGAR MCSPICE, a sweaty looking man wearing a stained blue t-shirt and improbably tiny speedos that form a disturbing shape in the front.]

Sugar: I can't let you do that.

01.06.093

Charlie: [To Sugar] Why ever not?

01.06.094

Sugar: Because of the candidates. They're starting to surround us!

01.06.095

Charlie: Oh, dear! Could you show us a way to safe escape?

01.06.096

Sugar: Escape? Escape? No! You've got to feel the burn! Burn, baby! Buuuuuurn! [Gives a massive shout] Whooooo!

[Finally, he stops shouting.]

Alice: Er, what do they want?

Sugar: One of the inmates. Apparently he has pictures of what happened when the mountain exploded. [Pounds his fist into his hand] Boy, would I like to meet that guy. I'd tell him a thing or two. [Gives Wilson a curious look] Do I know you?

Wilson: Er, I'm Doctor Crazier, uh, Fame.

Alice: I thought your name was Crazier Rain?

01.06.097

Charlie: Oh, I heard about that! A man just down the hall [points toward Bax's body] was bragging about some important paintings he'd done!

01.06.098

Fred: Just be careful not to trip over the dead man.

01.06.099

Sugar: Dead? It's not that Barnacle guy, is it?


;;; Colin's out today

Harvey: And what if it is, eh?

Sugar: The Candidates will be pissed!

01.06.100

Dur: Sheesh! They sure are touchy!

01.06.101

Sugar: I know! You'd imagine after we'd locked dozens of them in overcrowded cells because of their crazy religious beliefs that they'd have just gone home, but no! You better get ready to help defend the place, because they'll soon have us surrounded. They hate HARMA, for some reason.

01.06.102

Fred: A true battle! Finally! All right then, friends, let's get ready to- wait a minute, which side are we on again?

01.06.103

Harvey: By the saints, Private, I don't know, but I'm pretty sure it's not likely to be the same side as HARMA!

Alice: Maybe we should just make a break for it? After all, those Candidates have no beef with us, right?

01.06.104

Charlie: [To Fred] And surely your thirst for violence has been quenched for the moment, in any case! Group, let us use this invasion as a diversion and depart at once!

01.06.105

Harvey: By the saints! For once you're making sense, Private!

[The party head to the main entrance, followed by SUGAR. The door is closed, and there are several HARMA Initiates standing around. Outside are literally hundreds of Candidates, heads shining in the sunlight. At the front of the group is LEX "TERRY" ROSENBAUM, and the party can also see JOHN O'QUINN, whom they spoke to earlier.]

Lex: [Remonstrating with no one in particular, but clearly angry with the HARMA Initiative] You're all going to die! By each others' foul hands. Give us Barnacle, and we will go.

01.06.105

us use this invasion=0A> as a diversion and depart at once!=0A=0AClint: Foronce, Sarge and I agree! No time for random pointless violence, Fred.=0A= =0A=0A=0A

01.06.106

Fred: Hey, if we don't give them Barnacle, maybe they'll tear this place down and kill all the HARMA Initiates for us!

01.06.107

0A=0AClint: [Ponders the ramifications of this course of action.] Hmm... I like it!=0A=0A=0A=0A

01.06.108

Alice: I do too, but I'd rather not be in here when they deflate the place. What should we do?

01.06.109

Charlie: We cannot abandon Barnacle. Beat a hasty retreat and deflate the institution as we leave! [To the party] Group, RUN! [Tries to lead the party out]

01.06.110

Alice: Uh, okay. [Starts running and screaming, waving her arms around] Help! Help! The HARMA Initiative is after us!

[ALICE is soon followed by WILSON and the rest of the party, while the HARMA Initiates look on, surprised, confused and a little hurt.]


;;; End of scene, next one coming right up

01.07.001

[Book VII, Act I, Scene VII. Outside the hospital. ALICE, CHARLIE, CLINT, DUR, FRED, HARVEY and WILSON are here, having run from the gates of the hospital. They are stopped by LEX and the other candidates.]

Lex: Where do you think you're going?

01.07.002

Charlie: Away from this mad house. And you?

01.07.003

Lex: I think you're going to burn to death with the rest of your HARMA buddies.

01.07.004

Charlie: [Laughs] Don't be absurd! They attempt to kill us on a regular basis. We could never be friends!

01.07.005

Lex: A likely story! [Gestures to the sea of bald heads behind him] You could be here to infiltrate us!

01.07.006

Harvey : Surely we are all a little hirsute for that, what?

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01.07.007

Lex: Maybe. Perhaps we should administer [dramatically] the test?

01.07.008

Charlie: What right have you to restrict our movements? We will not to submit to your silly test, and you will step aside so that we may continue on about our non-HARMA related business!

01.07.009

Fred: Now, now, Charlie, don't be hasty. I'm pretty good at tests, we should take a look at it.

01.07.010

Lex: That's right, [bitchily] Charlie. I shall administer the test. [Reaches over and pulls Fred's hair, causing a yelp of surprise and pain] It's real. [Turns to the other candidates] It's real, alright. [Thinks for a moment] Hm, what does that mean, I wonder? You know, maybe we need a better test!

01.07.011

Fred: [Rubs his scalp] It means that we are not here to infiltrate you. Really, we just want to get out of here. Apparently, I have had my fill of violence for today.

01.07.012

Lex: We should probably kill them anyway, just to be sure.

[Enter JOHN "TERRY" O'QUINN.]

John: [To Lex] Now, Terry, is it really your place to be making suggestions like this? Don't you think that Terry should be the one to make that call?

Lex: [Drops his head] I suppose.

John: [To the party] We apologise for Terry's behaviour, he should know better. I'm sure that Terry will be very unhappy with him.

01.07.013

Harvey : [To John] No harm meant, I'm sure. Terry should be commended for attempting to carry out his duties to the best of his limited ability, what!

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01.07.014

John: That's awfully understanding of you, but someone of his limited ability should have the ability to know his limited ability can be extended to swarm level ability by giving up the ability to make these sorts of of calls himself.

01.07.015

Fred: Well, Terry, no harm no foul, I think we can forget about Terry's little faux-pas. Now then, Terry, will you lead us to Terry so we can explain ourselves and move on?

01.07.016

John: I'd be happy to.

[The crowd part, and JOHN leads the party to a tent that has been erected just behind where all the Candidates are.]

Alice: [Looking at the fancy tent] What's this erection for?

John: For Terry's pleasure. [Knocks on the door of the tent, which, even though it appears to be canvas gives a satisfying knocking sound]

[A few moments pass, and the door is pulled open by a woman wrapped in a sheet. This is PATTI "TERRY" LEE".]

Patti: Uh, hi. What can I do for you?

01.07.017

Charlie: Chiefly, we wish to be left to our own devices, but we have been waylaid by some of your associates. Could you please direct them to let us pass?

01.07.017

e tent, which,=0A> even though it appears to be canvas gives a satisfying knocking sound]=0A> =0A> [A few moments pass, and the door is p= ulled open by a woman=0A> wrapped in a sheet. This is PATTI "TERRY" LEE".] =0A> =0A> Patti: Uh, hi. What can I do for you?=0A=0AClint: Two beers and a= sandwich?=0A=0A=0A=0A

01.07.018

Patti: Uh, hang on a second. [Turns to someone inside the tent] There are some people here who say they want to be left alone and who want to give us two beers and a sandwich.

[A voice answers, but it is muffled and the party can't hear.]

Patti: Terry says you can pass and that he'd be more than happy to have the beers and sandwich.

[The voice says something else.]

Patti: [Glances back for a moment before talking to the party again] As long as it's not some sort of vegetarian sandwich.

01.07.019

Charlie: Splendid! We'll just be on our way, then. [To Clint] Give the man his beer and sandwich, Mr. Scar!

01.07.019

alone and who want=0A> to give us two beers and a sandwich.=0A> =0A> [A voice answers, but it is muffled and the party can't hear.] = 0A> =0A> Patti: Terry says you can pass and that he'd be more than happy to=0A> have the beers and sandwich.=0A> =0A> [The voice says som= ething else.] =0A> =0A> Patti: [Glances back for a moment before talking to the party again] =0A> As long as it's not some sort of vegetarian sandwich.= 0A=0AClint: [Almost offended.] Vegetarian sandwich? We're decent, upstanding people here, not perverts with their vegetarian sandwiches!=0A=0A=0A=0A= =0A

01.07.021

Harvey : Also, if possible, can we have that in writing? Otherwise, we willbe waylaid constantly by Terry looking for proof of Terrys decision to let= us past.

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01.07.022

John: [Shakes his head slowly] No need. Once Terry makes a decision, we all abide by it.

[WILLIAM, the preacher from earlier, who is also only wrapped in a sheet, sticks his head out.]

William: Well said, Terry. [To the party] Don't forget my sandwich, I'm really working up an appetite here. [To Patti] Come on, Terry, let's get back to where we were. [Closes the door once again]

01.07.023

, the preacher from earlier, who is also only wrapped in=0A> a sheet, sticks his head out.]=0A> =0A> William: Well said, Terry. [To the party] Don't f= orget my sandwich,=0A> I'm really working up an appetite here. [To Patti] Come on, Terry,=0A> let's get back to where we were. [Closes the door once a= gain] =0A=0AClint: Riiiiiight. [Rummages around in the toasters for some bread, slips behind the tend and urinates into a couple of bottles labeled "B= udweiser," and hands the whole mess to Patti.] There. Two beers and a sandwich. Let's go, gang.=0A=0A=0A=0A

01.07.024

John: [Watching this whole sorry scene, and stepping in front of Clint before he gets back to the tent] I don't think you want to do that. Why don't you just run along? I'll talk to Terry on your behalf.

01.07.025

Harvey : That sounds like a plan! [Bows to John] Well then, we shall be away! Come troop!

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01.07.026

John: [Gives Harvey a quick bow in return] I hope we will meet again.

[The party head off, leaving JOHN outside the tent. He takes a quick look around, before sneaking a drink from one of the bottles of beer.]

John: Hm, not bad. Not bad at all.

[Meanwhile, the party keep heading away.]

Wilson: We need to be careful, there are HARMA Initiates everywhere. And I mean [dramatic emphasis] everywhere.

Alice: [Stumbling a bit, but not falling] Really? Everywhere?

Wilson: Look at what you just tripped over.

[Everyone looks, to see that ALICE just stumbled over ANTON ANON, who tried to arrest SHELDON earlier.]

Anton: [Who's lying in the middle of the road] Hi!

01.07.027

Charlie: Why are you lying in the center of the walking path? [Intrigued] Cry for attention, perhaps? Do tell us about your mother.

01.07.028

Anton: The woman is a saint. She spends her whole time helping other people, preventing hard working men from becoming lonely. Sure, she didn't have much time to look after an awkward teenage boy who liked writing poetry about birds, and there were times she forgot to let me out from under the stairs, but that - hey! What the hell is wrong with you? [Leaps up] You think lying in the road is weird? Is there some sort [waves his hands in the air, giving the party a good whiff of the horse shit he's been lying in] crazy rule against it?

01.07.029

Charlie: [Nods knowingly] Ah, it all makes perfect sense now. Do seek therapy at once. And a bath.

01.07.030

Anton: [Draws his sword] That's enough! You're all under arrest!

01.07.031

Fred: Er, could this wait until morning? I've already killed one man who drew a sword on me today, and I'd rather spread the fun out more evenly over the days.

01.07.032

Anton: [Swallows hard] T-that's a threat! Boy, you really are in trouble now!

01.07.033

Harvey : That wasn't a threat, that was a request! To meet here again tomorrow morning.

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01.07.034

Anton: [Shocked and appalled at this outrage] Oh - oh - oh it's on. It's on! I'm going making a list of your crimes! [Takes out a notebook and pen, and fumbles with them and the sword] Gah! [Hands the sword over towards the party, handle first] Here, hold that a second please while I write down your outrages.

01.07.035

Dur: [Helpfully takes hold of the sword] Anything to help a fellow initiate.

01.07.036

Anton: [Gives Dur a quick smile] Thanks! [Looks down at his notebook] Right, crime number one: stealing a weapon from a HARMA Initiate.

01.07.037

Dur: [Trys to take a position behind Anton, reading over his shoulder] Oh, oh, Don't forget: Assaulting a HARMA Initiate...

01.07.038

Anton: Oh, boy, you guys sure are in trouble. [Continues writing] Assaulting a - huh?

01.07.039

Dur: By way of example... [Tries to bash Antone over the head with the hiltof the sword he just handed him.]

01.07.040

[Bonk. ANTON is knocked unconscious.]

Alice: [Impressed] Wow! Nice one, Dur! It almost makes you not lame!

01.07.041

Dur: [Searches Anton for any hidden sandwiches] No problem. I'll just charge it to your tab.

01.07.041

Charlie: [Gapes at Dur] Masterfully done! [To the party] Now, group, let us hurry away before we are found out.

01.07.042

Fred: [Mumbles] My fight was much better, but no one congratulates me...

01.07.043

Alice: That's true, Freddy, but you're a ten foot tall muscle bound barbarian with good hair, and he's, well, bless his heart, he's Dur!

[DUR finds the most delicious looking prawn sandwiches ever.]


;;; Come on! We had to reward his bravery!

Wilson: Come on, I'll show you where the portraits are.

[WILSON leads the party almost to the top of the mountain, where they can see that there is a football sized hole where the top should be, which has smoke billowing out of it. There are a few HARMA Initiates gathered around, not doing much, but they do have weapons.]

Wilson: See that tree just beyond those guys? They're hidden in a hollow in the trunk.

01.07.044

Dur: [Stashes the new sword on his belt and munches the sandwiches, loudly and sloppily] The question is how do we get around those HARMA goons.=20


;;; To be fair Dur has his moments. Typically when the enemy is distracted or facing away from him. You know... I'm really starting to question this c=

haracter's morales!

01.07.045

Alice: What the hell are they even doing here?

Wilson: Guarding the volcano. There's a very harsh punishment for anyone caught throwing themselves into the volcano.

Alice: What is it?

Wilson: Death.

01.07.046

Fred: So they will not challenge us if we simply... do not throw ourselves into the volcano?

01.07.047

Harvey : Good thinking that man! We should proceed forward and state we arein no way considering throwing ourselves from the rim of the volcano!

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01.07.047

Alice: Huh. That's just so crazy it might work!

01.07.048

0A> and state we are in no way considering throwing ourselves=0A> from therim of the volcano!=0A=0AClint: Well, *I* say a good distraction always he= lps. What do we have to make an explosion out of?=0A=0A=0A=0A

01.07.049

Alice: The volcano?

01.07.050

Charlie: Perhaps we could throw a rock at them with a note indicating there is a group of people hiding somewhere far from here, intent on storming the volcano!

01.07.050

always worked before!=0A=0A;;; Almost forgot - I'm off to a conference tomorrow morning, gone for =0A;;; a week.=0A=0A=0A

01.07.051

Alice: Or maybe we could throw a rock at them and then try to talk our way past them?

01.07.052

Harvey : What do HARMA initiates care more about than guarding the rim of avolcano? What would make them rush off to a more serious task?

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01.07.053

Alice: They certainly seem the type who'd take rimming seriously, although I suppose if they heard of a possible moral outrage, such as someone kissing in public or something, they'd probably rush off.

01.07.054
01.07.055

Alice: Maybe we should just throw Clint in the volcano?

01.07.056

Charlie: [Looks at Clint, unimpressed] Indeed. Group, I will go forth and tell those guards I have no intention of hurling myself into the volcano. If they let me pass, all of you follow along after. If they do not, I will create a distraction as best I can, giving you an opportunity to retrieve the paintings.

01.07.057

[CHARLIE approaches the HARMA Initiates. As before, there is one clear leader and a handful of lackeys. The leader is SIMON BISLEY.]

SImon: [Holds a hand up to Charlie] Ma'am, please step back from the volcano!

01.07.058

Charlie: [To Simon, cheerily] Oh, I have no intention whatsoever of jumping into the volcano, but I do appreciate your warning! [Tries to continue walking past]

01.07.059

Harvey : [Following along behind] It's good to see such a diligent workforce, what!

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01.07.060

Fred: [Follows Charlie and Harvey, giving the guards a thumbs-up.]

01.07.061

Dur: [Follows along quickly] It's a good thing such a dangerous whole is left in the care of such trustworthy sorts as HARMA!

01.07.061

[WINSTON, ALICE and DUR also follow, similarly giving the guards a thumbs up. Next up is CLINT who gives them the finger.]

Simon: Hey!

Clint: [To the party] Catch you down by the gate! [Runs, pursued by all the HARMA Initiates]

01.07.062

Alice: Yeesh, [looks over the edge] it kinda makes me want to throw myself in! It's so very swirly!

01.07.063

Fred: [Also looks over the edge] Huh. So this is what geology looks like...

01.07.064

Charlie: [Peers curiously] The fact that we are so discouraged from jumping in does make me rather curious. I wonder if there's something mystical afoot?

01.07.066

Last from heather 65

Alice: [Eyes glazing over] Let's jump in!

01.07.067

Charlie: [Dreamily] What a marvelous idea! [Attempts to leap into the volcano]

01.07.068

Fred: So much I could learn... [Leans forward over the edge]

01.07.069

Dur: [Trying to grab any departing party member] What are you lot doing! Have you gone madder than usual?

01.07.070

Harvey : By the saints, ladies! [Also attempts to grab Alice] You'll find no shoe shops down there, what!

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01.07.070

Wilson: [Helping Dur hold back Alice and Charlie] Don't look directly at it!

Alice: [Straining to see] But it's so swirly!

01.07.071

Dur: Someone grab Fred! Maybe if we break their concentration! [Tries to give Alice a solid smack and Charlie a passionate kiss]


;;; Yes, Dur does play favorites.

01.07.072


;;; Hey!

[DUR's interference does actually break their concentration, although Fred is edging closer]

Alice: Ow! What the hell is wrong with you? [Looks at the lip shaped dirt mark on Charlie's face] Huh, I guess it could have been worse.

01.07.073

Dur: [With the other two safe, Dur tries to make a running tackle for Fred] Don't go into the light!

01.07.074

Charlie: [To Dur] Thank you for your repulsive but timely assistance! [Shields her eyes and tries to help pull Fred back]

01.07.075

Alice: [Helps pull Fred back too, complaining sulkily] I'm just surprised you didn't try to kiss him!

[FRED is pulled back, and soon snaps back to normal.]

01.07.076

Harvey : Right troop, no one look at the volcano! Hmm, so, so swirly!

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01.07.077

Fred: Hargh! [Shakes head] Now what was that all about? There is certainly something eldritch going on in this volcano...

01.07.078

Alice: Too right! The last time we were here it wasn't even a volcano!

01.07.079

Harvey : Right, this place gives me the creeps, troop! Lets grab what we came for and go!

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01.07.080

Charlie: Indeed! We mustn't risk Alice becoming enthralled again!

01.07.081

Alice: Or slapped - or worse, kissed by Dur!

[WINSTON leads the party to a tree, and pulls out a stack of what appear to be oil paintings.]

Winston: My device produced a painting every thirty seconds from just before the explosion to just after. If we flick through them, you'll be able to see what happened. [Holds them and speeds through them like a flip book animation.]

[It starts with a serene picture of the mountain top, which, after a moments explodes with massive violence, spewing flame out of it, and causing a visible shockwave emanating out in all directions. After another few moments the flames dies down and everything is perfectly quiet, until a woman steps out, who's face isn't quite visible.]

Alice: What the hell? Who on earth is that?


;;; The flip book animation is still going, btw

01.07.082

Charlie: [Leans closer to see the mystery woman] How thrilling! Do keep going! The identity of this woman could be the key to everything!

01.07.083

[The woman continues to walk, with her face slowly coming into view. It is CLEMENTINE, looking very rough compared to when the party last saw her (in Book VI, Act XI) and she stops, facing back towards the volcano.]

Alice: What is she waiting for?

[The answer soon appears, with another person climbing out of the volcano, and making his way to CLEMENTINE, who holds her hand out to him. As he takes her hand, the party can see that it is none other than DR. JEROME K. TRINDLE, BSC, PHD, last seen committing suicide on this very spot in Book V, Act XIII. The two walk down the hill together, hand in hand.]


;;; Jerome, of course, was a long time party member who turned evil

and almost destroyed the

;;; world. Right at the last moment he appeared to have repented, and

killed himself. Somehow

;;; the media got the idea that HE was the one who saved the world,

not the party.

Alice: [To the party] Oh, crap.


;;; End of Book VII, Act I. Next one starts tomorrow.