[Book VI, Act XII. Scene I. A hotel room in Dementia. ALICE, CHARLIE, CLINT, DUR, FRED, HARVEY and SERENA are here. The party have been here for the last 24 hours, having slipped away from the celebrating scientists and enraged HARMA members. This is the "No Flea Fleapit Honeymoon Hotel", and was the first place the party could get to. Having no money or weapons, save for FRED's axe, they found the first room that was open and slipped in there. Fortunately, it looked like a huge amount of room service food had been delivered, so they had plenty to eat and drink. However, supplies have run out.]
Alice: I suppose we're going to have to leave the room sooner or later. I just hope they're not still combing the streets for us. The good news is that Daddy's house is here in Dementia, [thinks] although, the bad news is that he's probably still enraged with me since the last time we met, [thinks again] although I'm everyone's favourite, so he can't stay angry with me for long, [thinks yet again] although he stayed enraged with my brother Fabian for twenty years for a reason that he would never tell anyone, even Fabian. What was the question again?
Kevin's back on the list
Charlie: I know a place we could go, but [looks at Serena and Fred for a moment] it would be necessary to blindfold the two of you as we approach. [To Serena and Fred, apologetically] You see, you haven't been properly vetted by the Council, so we haven't any files about you. [Reasonably] And where would we file our intelligence about you if we have no files?
Alice: Unless you have no intelligence!
Fred: [Hurt] I have intelligence! : I'm not sure you're making sense, dear. We must be blindfolded =0Abecaus= e you haven't anywhere to put your thoughts? I think there are more=0Aeffe= ctive remedies for memory loss than sight-deprived companions.=0A=0A=0A = ore
Charlie: Oh, I do apologize! I was trying to use the smallest possible words and simplest concepts, but I still left you confused. Let me try again, [slowly, very exaggerated pronunciation for each word] me [points to self] take you [points to Serena] safe place [hugs herself and looks happy].
[Enter BEN CARLOW, coming out of the wardrobe.]
Ben: Er, hello, terribly sorry to bother you, but would you mind awfully if we used the bathroom?
Ben Carl= ow
Harvey : [Grimaces] Believe me dear sister, you would be far better off run= ning now and never looking back! relandunning now and never
Alice: [To Ben] Who the hell are you?
Ben: My name's Ben Carlow. Desperately sorry to inconvenience you, but, the bathroom? [Points at the bathroom]
Dur: Bathroom!? I thought that was the kitchen! I'm suddenly thinking that = wasn't a sausage roll I had earlier...
Back with a bang! A disgusting bang...
Charlie: [To Ben] What are you doing in our room?
ICK! And welcome back! at wasn't a sausage roll I had earlier...
Alice: [To Dur, horrified] If you thought it was the kitchen, then what the hell did you think you doing with that dish of water on the floor?
Ben: [Apologetically] Yes, I know it's just awfully inconvenient, and terribly troublesome, but, ah, you see, this is, well, rather, it was, our room. We had just ordered some room service, and were hiding in the closet playing a rather ribald sex game when you came. We assumed you'd leave before too long, but well, it appears rather that you haven't!
Fred: "We"? Where's the other one, then?
Ben: In the closet.
Alice: Let me get this straight, you've been hiding in the closet for the last 24 hours even though it's your room, and we came in and ate all your room service.
Ben: Er, yes.
Alice: Huh. Well, the snakes' feet were just delish.
Ben: Awfully glad you enjoyed them. Our youngest son couldn't go to university so we could afford them on this trip.
Dur: [Indignantly to Alice, ignoring Ben completely] Well how am I supposed= to know what the serving accommodations are at this hotel?
Alice: How are YOU supposed to know? [Reflects on this] Yeah, I guess how would you know what civilized people do. n this] Yeah, I guess=0A> how would you know what civilized people do.=0A=
=0A=0ASerena: Goodness me! We're awfully sorry for keeping you hidden away= ! =0APlease, use the bathroom. And thank you ever so much for letting us= =0Aborrow your room.=0A=0A=0A
Ben: Oh please! You've nothing to apologise for -- I'm just sorry for all this unpleasantness that I've cause by bursting out of the closet.
[BEN heads into the bathroom and shuts the door behind him. What sounds almost like a waterfall can be heard coming from within.]
Dur: Jeez, Just how long WAS he in that closet?
Alice: Well, we've -
Ben: [From inside the bathroom, very loudly, sounding somewhat ecstatic] Oh! Phili, God Almighty! Oh, yes! Oh, God!
Alice: [A little shaken] Er, we've been here for about 24 hours, so at least that long.
Harvey : By the saints, the man must have been fit to burst, what! reland
Charlie: We really must move on, group, and leave these people to enjoy their depraved holiday in peace. Shall I take you to the safe place I mentioned earlier?.]=0A> =0A> Ben: Terribly sorry, my friends, terribly sorry.=0A=0A=0ASerena= : No need to apologise at all! It does look like we'll be=0Adeparting now,= so you can go back to... enjoying your room in peace.=0A=0A=0A
[Another voice comes from inside the closet, this time it is female.]
Voice: Er, hello? emale.]
Fred: Greetings, unknown female! Worry not, we have decided to depart from your room momentarily and allow you lovers to mate in peace. ave decided to depart=0A> from your room momentarily and allow you lovers t= o mate in peace.=0A=0AClint: Yeah. Knock yourselves out, you crazy kids! = Now... [finds a sheet and tears strips out for blindfolds.] Bimbo, I thin= k this is in your area of expertise?=0A=0A=0A
[Enter VICTORIA CARLOW, a middle aged woman wearing a Thunder Woman outfit, and laden down with all sorts of preposterous looking sex toys hanging from her belt. Thunder Woman is a fictional superhero beloved of comic book geeks everywhere in The Realms. In the comic books, she never had any sex toys.]
Victoria: [Looking rather embarrassed] Er, if you don't mind, I might slip into the bathroom too.
Ben: Please! Victoria! You'll embarrass these nice people with all your talk of toilets!
Victoria Carlow nder et and tears strips out for
Alice: Er, okay. [Within seconds, has Ben's hands tied behind his back] s tied behind his back]=0A=0AClint: Uhhh... there! Now you can play your l= ittle games in peace! [Tears another few strips and hands one to Fred and = one to Serena.] Let's go, guys!=0A=0A=0A [Tears another few strips and
Victoria: Why, thank you! Now, are you sure you don't want to shave before you go?
Fred: No thank you, I like a cover of manly stubble. [Ties the strip of cloth over his eyes.] Ah, excellent, now when I drive the enemy before me, I shall hear the lamentation of their women so much clearer.
Ben: Well, I'm awfully sorry to say this, but now that facial hair has become illegal, you probably won't hear the lamentation so much as the calls of the police as they come to arrest you.
Harvey : Police, schmolice, as my old army mate used to say! Well, that was= until he was cornered by the Schmolice one drunken evening and dragged awa= y into the night. reland
Alice: Oh no! What happened? Didn't anyone call the police?
Harvey : There were none about, what! There's never one when you need one! reland
Alice: Too busy trying to find the Schmolice, I suppose. suppose.=0A=0AClint: [Outraged.] They've outlawed my stubble? [Grinds his = teeth.] That's it. Those HARMA goons are gonna get what's coming to 'em. = Who's with me! [Pauses.] And where can a man without any cash get a sword,= preferably a Hackmaster 45B, in this town?=0A=0A=0A=0A=0A ferably a Hackmaster 45B, in this town?
Fred: [Facing Serena] I'm with you, Clint! As for a sword, I bring attention to my large stature, great axe, extensive combat experience and little qualms about looting a weapons store using plenty of violence.
Alice: Why on earth is facial hair illegal? I mean, other than those stupid goatees, they should have been outlawed years ago!
Ben: Because those crazy moustachers tried to kill Dr. Reinstein! an, other than those=0A> stupid goatees, they should have been outlawed yea= rs ago!=0A> =0A> Ben: Because those crazy moustachers tried to kill Dr. Rei= nstein!=0A=0AClint: Oh, well, that's different. Maybe we should find the m= oustache guys, kick ass, take names, and strike a blow for non-shavers ever= ywhere! Besides, those freaks annoy me.=0A=0A=0As, kick ass, take names, and strike a >blow for non-shavers everywhere! Be= sides, those freaks annoy me.
Harvey : By the saints, if any man attempts to lay a finger on my eyebrows,= there will be trouble, what! Trouble! They've been constant companions thr= ough all of my campaigns! reland
Fred: I quite agree. [Puts on his glasses over his blindfold.] The illegalization of facial hair as a response to hostilities from a sect that is identified by a particular style of facial hair will only serve to alienate the general population and possibly garner more support for the illegalized group. I therefore second Clint's proposal that we massacre the Mustachios so that they no longer pose a credible threat to the current regime and we may display our coarse, manly and unshaven faces in the name of liberty, equality and brotherhood!
Ben: Great! You guys must be fully paid up HARMA members, what a pleasure to meet you, and er, we weren't doing anything untoward here. Nothing [whispers] sexual [normal voice] you understand.
Charlie: We most certainly are NOT! As far as we're concerned, you're free to celebrate your particular brand of depravity in the privacy of your own chambers.
Fred: Indeed. It so happens that HARMA hates us for reasons I don't understand and thinks we are murderers. Which is preposterous, as I haven't killed anyone in their jurisdiction.
Ben: [Steps back from Charlie and Fred] And, er, their jurisdiction extends to this bedroom, right? Not that I want to vote for them, no sir!
Harvey : Rest assured sir, you are safe here. We are not a band of roving brigands, what!
Alice: Although, we did actually steal his hotel room and eat all their food.
Ben: Oh, that was just a misunderstanding, we're very sorry if we made you feel bad about it.
Charlie: [With an injured sniff] Yes, it was rather painful, being made to feel like a criminal rather than an honored guest!
Ben: Oh dear, I knew I had over stepped the mark. How can I make up for it? Would you like some of Victoria's clothes? Or jewelry? We just had our wedding rings polished on account of our anniversary, you're more than welcome to them.
Charlie: Well, have you a carriage we could borrow for just a bit?
Ben: Er, yes, of course. It's nothing fancy of course, and, quite frankly, probably an insult to such fine people as you, and, to be honest, I think I should be punched hard in the stomach for giving you such modest fare, but it's all we have. We were taking it on one last ride before selling it to pay for our second youngest son's college fees, but, well, he's a bright lad, he doesn't need a formal education.
Fred: Er, I don't know... I mean, I've looted and plundered as much as the next man, likely more, but you're practically asking us to take this from you. I can't help feeling that's wrong in a very fundamental way. Please, we're satisfied with what we've taken already. [Turns to the others] Right?
Victoria: Oh, we're terribly sorry to make you feel guilty. Perhaps if Ben tried to stop you from taking the keys to the carriage? They're in my handbag on the dressing table, if you want, along with our life savings [glances at Ben] I know that Ben Jr. [by way of explanation to the party] our eldest son [back to Ben] needs that money for college, but surely one year of college is enough for him?
Charlie: [Goes to get the keys] That's the spirit! After all, the world needs manual laborers, too!
Alice: Cool. Hey, can you order some more room service? I'm starving! It's been almost two hours since we ate!
Harvey : [To Victoria] By the way, the armed forces is a great alternative career for your young 'un, what! Get to see the world, eh!
Ben: Yes, yes, of course it is. And his twin, although he was killed in battle in a most gruesome fashion three days after joining the army, did get to see some of the world.
Harvey : Oh. I'm sorry to hear that, but it must have been some comfort that your son died a hero, what! Now. [Claps his hands loudly] I believe there was some mention of room service!
Dur: Did someone say something about a free meal?
Charlie: Discipline yourselves, group! We must take this carriage and find safe haven at once.
Ben: Er, yes. Just give me a moment, please. [Picks up a tin can beside the bed that is attached to a piece of string, and proceeds to have a shouted conversation back and forth during which the operator tells him that the cost will be 10GP. He pauses and looks at Victoria] Er, we don't have any money left, as it was all in her purse, but I'm sure we can give them our wedding rings.
[Within seconds, the food is at the door, and the party are gorging themselves.]
Victoria: I'm about to do something unforgivable, but I fear I may faint if I don't. Would you mind awfully if I went to the bathroom?
Alice: [Disgusted, but through huge mouthfuls of snakes' feet] In here?
Victoria: No, in the bathroom.
Alice: Sure, knock yourself out.
[Exit VICTORIA, into the bathroom.]
Alice: Oh, pish, posh, there'll be plenty of time for discipline when we're too full and tired to eat!
Harvey : [Gorging himself] By the saints, troop, who would have thought that giving a presentation would be such hungry work what! who would have=0A> thought that giving a presentation would be such hungry= work what!=0A=0AClint: It's not the presentation, Harv, it's ducking those= HARMA goons! [Looks around for a table to break so he can arm himself wit= h the leg.]=0A=0A=0A=0A
Fred: And now that we are rested, satiated and I am reunited with my trusty axe, I say that we charge forth and kill them all.
Alice: Yeah, let's see what their carriage can do!
Ben: Thank you all so much for your patience, we're ever so sorry. Is there anything else you want? Our clothes, perhaps? [Starts taking off his pants] o!=0A> =0A> Ben: Thank you all so much for your patience, we're ever so sor= ry. Is=0A> there anything else you want? Our clothes, perhaps? [Starts taki= ng off=0A> his pants]=0A=0AClint: [Holds up a warning hand.] You've done mo= re than enough already!=0A=0A=0A=0A
Harvey : Indeed so, kind sir! You have our thanks! Well troop, let us bother these kind folks no longer, and be on the off!
Ben: And thank you, thank you, sir, for not letting our boorish behaviour.
[The party start backing away from BEN, who now has his pants down around his ankles.]
Ben: Thank you so much for your time.
[Exit the party, slamming the door behind them.]
Ben: What awfully, awfully nice people.
End of scene, next one coming right up [Book VI, Act XII, Scene II. The Carriage. ALICE, CHARLIE, CLINT, DUR, FRED, HARVEY and SERENA are here, having sneaked from the hotel and into BEN's carriage.]
Alice: I'll drive! Brrrrrm! Brrrrm!
Charlie: [Keeping the keys safely away from Alice] I think your time would be better spent freshening up. One never knows when one will be called upon to bat one's eyes and distract a guard or somesuch! In any case, as I am the only person who knows where we are going, I shall drive. [Attempts to take the driver's seat]
Harvey : [A little too quickly] I quite agree, dear niece. Let the cadet take the reigns! ar niece. Let the=0A> cadet take the reigns!=0A=0AClint: Great. More woman= drivers! You people are a scourge!=0A=0A=0A=0A
Alice: [Clearly not sure if she's been offended or not] Uh, good idea, Char= lie.
[CHARLIE sets off, and drives for ten minutes or so. The party can see that the HARMA Initiative are out in force, and are hassling men with facial hair, searching them for weapons and executing some forced shaving. Eventually, the carriage pulls up outside a house, quite abruptly.]
Alice: [Peers out] Is it normally on fire?
[The building that the party are outside is smouldering, and looks almost completely destroyed.]arlie.
Harvey : Enough sight seeing, cadet! Bring us to the safe refuge, what!
Charlie: [Staring at the fire, aghast] Well, this is awkward. This WAS meant to be the safe refuge!
Alice: Maybe that fireman can tell us what happened?
[ALICE points at a suspiciously scantily dressed fireman who's dancing in front of a huge boombox. This is SAM WHITE.]
Sam: [Spots the party looking at him, and grabs his crotch, thrusting it towards them] Oh yeah! Yeah!
Sam White= s
Harvey : I say there fellow! What happened here? Are you in pain?
Conor - I worry about the websites you visit!
Sam: No way, old timer, I'm just dancing. The place was torched, burned to the ground.
Charlie: Surely that isn't cause for joy?!
Sam: Certainly not, sister, I'm dancing with tears in my eyes, trying to get over the awful carnage. rs in my eyes, trying=0A> to get over the awful carnage.=0A=0A=0ASerena: Pe= rhaps you should put some clothes on. Out of respect.=0A=0A=0A
Harvey: You dance to portray emotion? Strange that, I remember young private Tappata suffered the same affliction back in Vietnumnum! Poor chap decided to tango his fear through a mine field, what! [Shudders]
Sam: Why's that babe? You getting too horny?
=0A=0ASerena: Goodness, no. Though your physical conditioning appears=0Aad= mirable. I just think perhaps more solemnity would be appropriate=0Agiven = such recent destruction. =0A=0A=0A
Harvey : Well spoken,dear sister! Well said indeed! [To Sam] You there, cavorting fellow. How did the fire start?
Sam: [Gyrating up against the carriage] Oh, God no! That would just depress everyone too much! Anyway, if those HARMA guys get their way, there'll be no more naked rubbing against [gives a deep, pleasured sigh] carriages.
Sam: [Throwing off his jacket] Looks like it was done deliberately. Oil fires started at each entrance and through several of the downstairs windows. no! That would just=0A> depress everyone too much! Anyway, if those HARMA g= uys get their way,=0A> there'll be no more naked rubbing against [gives a d= eep, pleasured=0A> sigh] carriages.=0A=0A=0ASerena: [Grimacing] All the mor= e reason to vote for them.=0A=0A=0A done deliberately.=0A> Oil fires started at each entrance and through seve= ral of the=0A> downstairs windows.=0A=0A=0ASerena: Put your jacket back on = this instant, young man!=0A=0A=0A
Charlie: [Looks around worriedly] Was anyone inside when the fire started?
Sam: [Making his pecs dance] Doesn't look like it, it happened early in the morning. [Gives Serena a wink] Oh, I think I know what you want.
Dur: [Ignoring the gyrations] Do they have any idea who the arsons may be?
Sam: No, all I know is that they arsons of bitches!
Alice: [To the party] Huh, seems kind of a coincidence that the super secret Watcher getaway gets burnt down just as the HARMA gits are starting to flex their muscles, doesn't it?
Harvey : Quite so! Looks like the super secret Watcher getaway wasn't so super secret after all, what! [To Charlie] Looks like you had a spy in the camp!
Charlie: I hardly think that's possible. We DO take a loyalty oath, you know! u know!
Fred: Hmm, she does present an irrefutable point...
Harvey: Pah! Loyalty oaths are made redundant by the mere crossing of your fingers behind your back! Everyone knows that!
Sam: [Grinding himself salaciously against a carriage wheel] The HARMA Initiative seems to think it's an inside job, and anyone who was here when it happened has been [another groan of pleasure] been arrested!the mere crossing of=0A> your fingers behind your back! Everyone knows tha= t!=0A=0AClint: Hell, just look at that bastard Monty! [Turns to Sam.] And = as for you... you can put on some clothes or you can get bludgeoned with th= is table leg, clear?=0A=0A=0A=0A
Sam: [Pulls off his snap off trousers, swings them around and around, before throwing them into the carriage] Oh baby!
Harvey : [Moving as far from the trousers as possible] Where have they been taken too?
Dur: It seems that he just takes off more clothes when you ask him to put t= hem back on...
Fred: I assume that I am very glad right now that I never actually removed my blindfold...
Alice: That's right Dur, well spotted. [To Sam] Hey! Take 'em off! Take 'em off! Take 'em off!
[SAM slips off his underpants and throws it into the carriage, with them landing on FRED's head.]
Alice: [To Fred] Er, however glad you were a second ago, now you're even gladder!
Sam: [To Harvey] Haven't a clue, my friend, to some clinker somewhere, I suppose. I've got a friend who's a cop stripper, he might know.
Harvey : Well, that all depends on if you want to see the smallest [coughs] male member, on the planet, or not! o see the smallest=0A> [coughs] male member, on the planet, or not!=0A=0ACl=
int: [Brandishes his table leg.] We got everything we need from this freak,= Harv?=0A=0A=0A;;; And as I'm off to work and then a meeting, suffice it to= say that if =0A;;; Harv gives the go ahead, Clint will make Sam taste the = sweet sweet =0A;;; justice of a concussion!=0A=0A=0A=0A
Fred: [Carefully removes the underpants from atop his head and throws them away, accidentally in Serena's face.] If so, I propose that the driver runs this carriage over him.
Sam: [To harvey] Keep it in your pants, old man. You'll only embarrass yourself by comparing your teeny tiny todger to my massive manhood.
Charlie: Do cease this absurd conversation at once! People may have just been burned alive! once! People may have=0A> just been burned alive!=0A=0A=0ASerena: [Grimac= es and flicks the underpants away from her] Yes, let's go and=0Afind this p= olice officer and see if he knows more.=0A=0A=0A
Sam: Burned by the fire in my pants, you mean!
Fred: I do tire of this man-harlot. Can someone please bludgeon him?
Sam: [Still dancing salaciously in front of the carriage] With what? My enormous love truncheon?
I think Tom made his intentions clear!
Clint: No, with this. [Leans out and smashes Sam on the head with the table leg he took from the hotel, knocking him unconscious]
Harvey : Well done, private! That put paid to his buffoonery, what! Now, let us find this police station
Dur: [Inspecting the man on the ground] Has anyone ever considered that goi= ng around bludgeoning people that annoy us may be bad form? [Miraculously, SAM wakes up.]
Sam: He's not at the police station, he's investigating a similar fire. [Goes unconscious again]
Heather is afk
Charlie: [Irritated] Where?
Sam: [Wakes up again] 9764 Jeopardy Lane. [Goes unconscious]
Alice: Holy cap! I mean, holy crap! That's Daddy's house! oing around
Alice: Of course we have! Why else do you think we haven't bludgeoned you?
Fred: I call dibs on bludgeoning the next person who annoys us!
Alice: Dur, can you come over here a bit closer to Fred?
Dur: I wouldn't want to interfere with Fred's aim.
Harvey : Enough of that troop, we need to get to Alice's house, and don't spare the horses!
Alice: [To Charlie] Let me drive!
Charlie: No thank you, I'd rather we get there alive.
[The carriage zooms off, and is soon at the house. Once again, the house has been completely destroyed.]
Alice: Oh no! ain,
Harvey : [Outraged] The filthy curs! They'll pay for this! Come Alice, let's get news of your father!
Alice: Hm, we don't know the name of Sam's cop buddy, and it looks like there are a few of them here, I wonder which one he could be.
[One of the cops notices the party and gives them a wave. This is PC PLOP.]
PC Plop A>
Harvey : Good day! We are looking for news of this houses occupants, what! Please tell me they are safe and well!
Fred: They are safe and well.
Plop: [To Fred] Ah, member of the force, are you? [To Harvey] Yes, your friend is right, they are safe, most them were away when it happened, out poking midgets with sticks.
Charlie: Have you any suspects in this terrible crime?
Dur: Other than the midgets that were being poked by sticks, of course?
Harvey : Oh please, cadet! Midget poking is hardly a crime! It's damned good fun, what! And the little blighters do enjoy a sound poking
Alice: Don't be ridiculous, Dur, they enjoy it!
Plop: [To Charlie] We sure do, Miss. [Looks at his notebook] Colonel Harvey Kingston Short III, Alice Bassett Short, Clint Scar and Dr. Charlotte Parker Kensington, along with three unknown accomplices. e crime?=0A=0AClint: I bet it was those HARMA freaks but they'll blame it o= n those mustache weirdos so they can wage war on facial hair!=0A=0A=0A =
Dur: [Takes a step away from the rest of the party] Errr... no names on the= accomplices eh?
Fred: What? Unknown? I am Frederick Hrothgar Goreblood, the Barbarian Terror, ruler of the Goreblood tribe. And you best remember it!
Harvey : What rot! What makes you think they would deliberately set fire to this house? would deliberately set=0A> fire to this house?=0A=0AClint: [Kicks Fred.] Ye= ah! And why would you even think they were around here?!=0A=0A=0A nd here?!
Plop: The carnage that was caused at that big conference for one, all those missing police helmets for another, what more do you need?
Alice: How about a witness?
Plop: The father of one of them swears it was them. nference for one, all =0A> those missing police helmets for another, what m= ore do you need?=0A> =0A> Alice: How about a witness?=0A> =0A> Plop: The fa= ! You're falling for the oldest trick in the book!=0A=0A=0A=0A the book!
Plop: Oldest trick? Or oldest weapon? That's what Larry Bing says!
Larry Bing is the most well known political pundit in the Realms
Charlie: By all means, rely on the wisdom of that doddering fool!
Harvey : Who told you that they were your suspects? Last Colin #61
Plop: [Reaches down into his underwear and pulls out a notebook] A man by the name of Aldwyn Bassett-Short.
Known to Alice as "Dad".
Charlie: [To Alice and Harvey] A relation, I presume?
Alice: [To Plop] Do you know what these reprobates look like?
Plop: Not yet.
Alice: [To Charlie] Never heard of the man. [Gives a big stagey wink]
Charlie: [Astonished] What a remarkable coincidence! What are the odds that--[suddenly realizes the meaning of Alice's wink] neither you nor I would have never heard of the same person, given that we are so different in terms of educational attainment, leisure interests, and so forth! Remarkable! Yes, well, we really must be going, group!
Harvey: Onwards and upwards troop! We've taken up enough of this officers time! [To Plop] I bid you good day, sir!
Plop: [Sternly] Where exactly do you think you're going?
Harvey : [Equally sternly] I said good day sir! [To Charlie] Now, let us proceed to the local tavern to see about accomodation.
Plop: And I asked you where you think you are going.
[Some other cops start to look over.]
Fred: We told you, a local tavern. Do you have any recommendations?
Harvey : To the local tavern to see about accomodation, what!
Plop: [To Fred, in a friendly way] Oh, well, you just need to be careful, most of the streets are closed for the live election debate. You're probably better off settling in to watching it, and going looking for accommodation after.
Fred: Ah, splendid. If it is at all like the debate when I first saw you guys[To the party], it'll be a most enjoyable brawl. [Back to the cop] Could you give the driver directions, lawman?
Dur: [Like a whiny child] Awwwww, debates!? This is going to be worse than = the time we had to sit through that awful woman's scientific presentation. = [Notices Charlie is right next to him] Uhhh... well... what I meant to say = is... Ahhh who am I kidding, that sucked!
Plop: You mean, [turns on a nearby ghetto blaster that thumps out music] directions of lurve? [Starts dancing erotically in front of the carraige] Oh! Yeah! Oh! Yeah!
Charlie: [To Plop] Your behavior is most unprofessional. I don't see how this has any connection to fire safety! [To Dur] And how DARE you?! It isn't everyone one is granted the great pleasure of hearing a groundbreaking article on classification in zoology!
Plop: Zoology, eh? Come on, baby, let's do it like they do on the Cisdovery Channel!
Harvey : I watched that channel once! Can't say as I was impressed. If it's not a programme about sharks, it's those infernal meerkat creatures!
Alice: Aw, they're so cuuuuuute! And what about the time they ganged up on that shark and beat him to death? Now, that was cool!
Plop: If you hang on a minute, folks, I can get a copy of the wanted poster for you, in case you come across the people who committed this awful crime.
Harvey : [To Alice] That was one of the more bearable ones, yes! The title was, I believe, When Meerkats Go Bad! [Turns to Plop] Not a need for it, my good man! I'm sure they'll be distributed at the debate, what! We'll get one then.
Plop: [Face drops] Aw! But I haven't even taken off my underpants yet! off my=0A> underpants yet!=0A=0AClint: Yeah, but we don't want to be late f= or the debates! No time for your dance. Sorry. [Surreptitiously brandish= es his table leg.]=0A=0A=0A=0A
Harvey : [Quietly] Not now, private, most definitely not now! [To Plop] Well, we shall be on our way. We don't want to miss a minute of the debate. tely not now! [To=0A> Plop] Well, we shall be on our way. We don't want to = miss a minute of=0A> the debate.=0A=0AClint: [Reluctantly stows his new toy= .] Yeah, debates. They're faaaaaaantastic. [Tries to look enthused about = the debate but mostly just looks constipated.]=0A=0A=0A=0A
Plop: But you already have missed half of it! Come on, just hang on a while= !
Charlie: The very best part is always at the end! Come along, group!
Harvey : [To Charlie] We are waiting on you, cadet, as you are the one holding the reins.
Charlie: Splendid! Off we go! bout bloody time, Chuck! [Ponders mooning Plop as the party makes what is = no-doubt a very precise, well-organized escape while strictly observing the= speed limit.]=0A=0A=0A=0A Plop as the party =0A> makes what is no-doubt a very precise, well-organiz= ed escape while =0A> strictly observing the speed limit.]=0A=0ASerena: [Loo= king a bit pale] Yes please, let's go. All this wanton nudity =0Ais quite = disturbing.=0A=0A=0A ity
Harvey : Agreed, dear sister! Come cadet, let us be on the off!
[The carriage heads off.]
Alice: What the hell is going on? First the Watcher place? Then Daddy's house? I don't even remember doing it -- it's like being 15 all over again.
Harvey : Things have taken a very sinister turn, troop! What would Aldous blame us for this? It makes no sense! Blood is thicker than water, what! No family member would willingly point the finger at their kin!
Charlie: Oh, I don't know about that! According to a recent study in The Sub-Equatorial Criminology Review, in cases of arson family members are 78% more likely than strangers to report the involvement of other family members!
Alice: Well, that's probably because strangers don't know them, isn't it? [To Harvey] Agreed! And it has to be connected to the Watcher place being torched, doesn't it?
Harvey : Be that as it may, the Shorts are definitely among the 12% what would never roll over on their family! initely among the 12%=0A> what would never roll over on their family!=0A=0A=
=0ASerena: If you are all in such dire need of some healthy exercise and = =0Atrimming down, I'm assured that is a good thing indeed.=0A=0A=0A
Fred: I think it is obvious that this Aldwyn character has elected to betray you for greater control of the clan. It's quite common where I'm from.
Alice: [Scornfully] Unlikely. Everyone knows that I'm the favourite of the family, they all dote on me and worship the ground I walk on.
Those who have seen Alice and her family (Clint, Harvey and Charlie by report) will know that they consider her a barely tolerable embarrassment to the family name.
Harvey : Absolutely, absolutely! She's the shining light of the family what! Which makes Aldwyns behaviour all the more strange! Something stinks here, and it's not just private Scar!
Harvey : [Sniffs, before reeling back in horror] By the saints, you could chew on that for a week, what!
Dur: [Looking perplexed] But why would you want to?
Alice: Maybe if you were a starving, pathetic excuse for a doctor?
Dur: [Looks thoughtful] Hmmm... maybe...
Harvey : No, it just makes no sense! [Clicks his fingers] I say, you don't think we have a brace of dopplegangers here, do you? That's all we need! A group of lookylikelies going around smashing people over the head with chairlegs and whatnot!
out for two hours!
On Friday, November 6, 2009, Colin Dinan Harvey : That must be it alright private Scar! Some bounders are
running around setting fire to houses and the odd retirement home! The
filthy curs, what!
Some bounders are=0A> running around setting fire to houses and the odd ret=
irement home! The=0A> filthy curs, what!=0A=0AClint: Well, setting fire to =
the Watchers' headquarters is just good clean fun, but blaming us? That's =
n fun, but blaming us?
Alice: Yeah, those HARMA idiots have it in for us for ages. Come on,
let's check out the debate, I can't wait to see them humiliated.
[The party set off towards the debate.]
End of scene, next one coming right up
[Book VI, Act XII, Scene III. A street in Dementia. ALICE,
CHARLIE, CLINT, DUR, FRED, HARVEY and SERENA are here, having parked
the carriage and heading towards the town square. There are posters up
all over the place for the election, as well as quite a few wanted
posters for the party -- including DUR, FRED and SERENA.]
Alice: Er, do you think there's a chance we might get arrested? [Takes
a look at a poster of herself] Oh, no need to worry.
Harvey : Hmm, well, usually the done thing is to don a disguise, such
as a fake beard or moustache and a pair of novelty glasses. However,
considering Harma's stance on facial hair, such a disguise will
attract more attention than necessary!
on a disguise, such=0A>as a fake beard or moustache and a pair of novelty g=
lasses. However,=0A>considering Harma's stance on facial hair, such a disgu=
ise will=0A>attract more attention than necessary!=0A=0A=0ASerena: [To Alic=
e] No need to worry dear? Anyone with half a brain=0Acould spot that we're=
the same people on these posters.=0A=0A=0A
Charlie: [To Serena] Astutely diagnosed! Now, we must find disguises
at once! [Pulls out a dry erase marker] Who wants facial hair or cat
Alice: [To Serena] Well, Ms. Smarty Pants, that wasn't a poster I was
looking at, merely my reflection in a window! [To Charlie] Cat
whiskers would be cool, but maybe we could go to the Spy Shop and get
some disguises there? I think it's close by.
Harvey : That indeed sounds like a plan, dear niece! Now, where do we
find this spy shop?
Alice: Well, being a spy shop, it's clearly disguised as something
else entirely more innocent. [Looks up the street at all the other
shops] Let's see, butcher, baker, candlestick maker, sex shop, sex
shop, sex shop, sex shop, sex shop, sex shop, sex shop, sex shop, sex
shop, hey, are we on Dinan Street?
Indeed we are!
Charlie: [Looks around at the sex shops] What an unsavory place!
Perhaps we should try a candlestick maker. That sounds quite
Fred: I don't get it, how do they get spy business if they pose as a
candlestick maker? Don't they just get a lot of people looking for
Harvey : This is a debauched side of town, what! [Looks around] I
would guess that the easiest way to hide a spy shop is to disguise it
as a se...as a...a...special interest emporium! That would most
certainly not be out of place on Dinan street!
s if they pose as a=0A> candlestick maker? Don't they just get a lot of peo=
ple looking for=0A> candlesticks?=0A=0A=0ASerena: Perhaps they make really =
bad candlesticks, so noone goes=0Alooking in that particular shop?=0A=0A=0A=
Fred: And then they would get no business at all! It's economically unworkable!
! It's economically unworkable!=0A=0A=0ASerena: But by not having the gener=
al public wander in to interrupt their spying=0Athey're doing a better trad=
e in secrets. Surely excelling in that niche market would=0Amore than cove=
r their losses due to poor candlemaking skills.=0A=0A=0A
e market would
Fred: Well I still maintain that the premise is fundamentally flawed.
Harvey : [Suddenly] I meant 22 percent, not 12!
Referring to post 12.02.093
Alice: There there, Uncle Harvey. There there. [To the party] Let's
try the candlestick maker.
[The party enter the candlestick maker shop. The shelves are
stacked to the brim with the worst looking candlesticks anyone has
ever seen. Sitting here is LEIF TREEVERSON.]
Leif: [Sees the party] Hello! What CANdle I do for you?
Charlie: [Slips Leif a copper piece] Hello, young man! Have you any
[drops her voice to a whisper] disguises in stock?
Leif: [Takes the copper piece] No. This is a candlestick shop.
Alice: [To the party] I know how to trip him up. [To Leif] Well then,
I'd like a candelabra, please.
Leif: [Thinks for a moment] Uh, okay. Hang on a second. [Disappears
below the counter, returning a few moments later with a bra that has
two lighted candles taped to it] How about this?
Alice: [To the party] I believe we've found our spy shop.
Fred: I still don't get it. I thought this was a candlestick shop.
[Bumps his head on the doorframe and staggers, knocking over a table
and sending a cat rocketing away with a furious yowl.] By the way, can
I take the blindfold off now?
Alice: No, it's a spy shop, why else would they have so many
candlesticks? Sure, it's probably safer for us all if you take it off.
Harvey : That must be it alright private Scar! Some bounders are running around setting fire to houses and the odd retirement home! The filthy curs, what! Some bounders are=0A> running around setting fire to houses and the odd ret= irement home! The=0A> filthy curs, what!=0A=0AClint: Well, setting fire to = the Watchers' headquarters is just good clean fun, but blaming us? That's = another story!=0A=0A=0A=0A n fun, but blaming us?
Alice: Yeah, those HARMA idiots have it in for us for ages. Come on, let's check out the debate, I can't wait to see them humiliated.
[The party set off towards the debate.]
End of scene, next one coming right up [Book VI, Act XII, Scene III. A street in Dementia. ALICE, CHARLIE, CLINT, DUR, FRED, HARVEY and SERENA are here, having parked the carriage and heading towards the town square. There are posters up all over the place for the election, as well as quite a few wanted posters for the party -- including DUR, FRED and SERENA.]
Alice: Er, do you think there's a chance we might get arrested? [Takes a look at a poster of herself] Oh, no need to worry.
Harvey : Hmm, well, usually the done thing is to don a disguise, such as a fake beard or moustache and a pair of novelty glasses. However, considering Harma's stance on facial hair, such a disguise will attract more attention than necessary! on a disguise, such=0A>as a fake beard or moustache and a pair of novelty g= lasses. However,=0A>considering Harma's stance on facial hair, such a disgu= ise will=0A>attract more attention than necessary!=0A=0A=0ASerena: [To Alic= e] No need to worry dear? Anyone with half a brain=0Acould spot that we're= the same people on these posters.=0A=0A=0A
Charlie: [To Serena] Astutely diagnosed! Now, we must find disguises at once! [Pulls out a dry erase marker] Who wants facial hair or cat whiskers??
Alice: [To Serena] Well, Ms. Smarty Pants, that wasn't a poster I was looking at, merely my reflection in a window! [To Charlie] Cat whiskers would be cool, but maybe we could go to the Spy Shop and get some disguises there? I think it's close by.
Harvey : That indeed sounds like a plan, dear niece! Now, where do we find this spy shop?
Alice: Well, being a spy shop, it's clearly disguised as something else entirely more innocent. [Looks up the street at all the other shops] Let's see, butcher, baker, candlestick maker, sex shop, sex shop, sex shop, sex shop, sex shop, sex shop, sex shop, sex shop, sex shop, hey, are we on Dinan Street?
Indeed we are!
Charlie: [Looks around at the sex shops] What an unsavory place! Perhaps we should try a candlestick maker. That sounds quite innocent.
Fred: I don't get it, how do they get spy business if they pose as a candlestick maker? Don't they just get a lot of people looking for candlesticks?
Harvey : This is a debauched side of town, what! [Looks around] I would guess that the easiest way to hide a spy shop is to disguise it as a se...as a...a...special interest emporium! That would most certainly not be out of place on Dinan street! s if they pose as a=0A> candlestick maker? Don't they just get a lot of peo= ple looking for=0A> candlesticks?=0A=0A=0ASerena: Perhaps they make really = bad candlesticks, so noone goes=0Alooking in that particular shop?=0A=0A=0A=
Fred: And then they would get no business at all! It's economically unworkable! ! It's economically unworkable!=0A=0A=0ASerena: But by not having the gener= al public wander in to interrupt their spying=0Athey're doing a better trad= e in secrets. Surely excelling in that niche market would=0Amore than cove= r their losses due to poor candlemaking skills.=0A=0A=0A spying e market would
Fred: Well I still maintain that the premise is fundamentally flawed.
Harvey : [Suddenly] I meant 22 percent, not 12!
Referring to post 12.02.093
Alice: There there, Uncle Harvey. There there. [To the party] Let's try the candlestick maker.
[The party enter the candlestick maker shop. The shelves are stacked to the brim with the worst looking candlesticks anyone has ever seen. Sitting here is LEIF TREEVERSON.]
Leif: [Sees the party] Hello! What CANdle I do for you?
Charlie: [Slips Leif a copper piece] Hello, young man! Have you any [drops her voice to a whisper] disguises in stock?
Leif: [Takes the copper piece] No. This is a candlestick shop.
Alice: [To the party] I know how to trip him up. [To Leif] Well then, I'd like a candelabra, please.
Leif: [Thinks for a moment] Uh, okay. Hang on a second. [Disappears below the counter, returning a few moments later with a bra that has two lighted candles taped to it] How about this?
Alice: [To the party] I believe we've found our spy shop.
Fred: I still don't get it. I thought this was a candlestick shop. [Bumps his head on the doorframe and staggers, knocking over a table and sending a cat rocketing away with a furious yowl.] By the way, can I take the blindfold off now?
Alice: No, it's a spy shop, why else would they have so many candlesticks? Sure, it's probably safer for us all if you take it off.
Dur: I thought we were looking for a SEX shop! [Grumpily] We NEVER do what = I wanna do.
Alice: That's because most things you want to do involve searching through trashcans looking for discarded scraps of food.
Harvey : Here here, dear niece! Well said! [To Leif] Now then, we are looking for some disguises!
Leif: [Sighs sadly] Okay, but you did think that this was a real candlestick shop, right? [Looks around to the party] Right? You believed, at least for a while, didn't you?
Dur: Oh of course we DIDle!
Leif: [Roars with laughter] Haw! That's really good! You must be a real candlestick maker! thought you just made novelty "candlesticks" to compete with all your sex s= hop neighbors!=0A=0A=0A
Fred: [Finally taking the blindfold off and looking very confused at Dur.] You are? Then why did we have to come in here?
Leif: Because it's a spy shop! [Thinks for a moment] Now, you did know it's a spy shop, right?
Charlie: Splendid. Now we'll have your best disguises, one for each of us. us.
Leif: Certainly! I think I have the perfect thing. [Reaches into a cupboard and takes out a bunch of lederhosen] g. [Reaches into a=0A> cupboard and takes out a bunch of lederhosen]=0A=0AC=
lint: [Dangerously.] I am not wearing those. Do you have a hat, a cigar, a= nd a poncho? I'll go as "dangerous stranger," but I'll be damned if I'm go= ing as "stranger of ambiguous sexuality!"=0A=0A=0A I'm going as "stranger of ambiguous sexuality!"
Charlie: I hardly think your sexuality would appear ambiguous. No one would mistake you for being heterosexual in that outfit! that outfit!=0A=0AClint: Naw. I still have manliness on my side! =0A=0A= =0A=0A
Harvey : I believe you misunderstand, sir! We are looking for disguises to alter our appearance! I hardly think that masquerading as a roving troop of buttock slapping Mergans is going to give us quite the discrete and unnoticed factor we're looking for, what! re looking for=0A> disguises to alter our appearance! I hardly think that m= asquerading as=0A> a roving troop of buttock slapping Mergans is going to g= ive us quite=0A> the discrete and unnoticed factor we're looking for, what!=
=0A=0A=0ASerena: [Inspecting the costumes] They are quite smart though. [T= o =0ALief] Dear, you don't happen to have any scented candles among these= =0Astore dressings do you?=0A=0A=0A
Lief: [Shrugs] Idunno, I'm a spy, not a candle maker! [To Harvey, a little defensively] These are perfect disguises, you'll totally blend in. Everyone's wearing them now -- wait until you see my brother, Trei, he looks great in his one. He'd blend into any crowd.
Charlie: These will do. Come along, group! [Claps her hands briskly] Get your disguises on posthaste! All part of the hero trade! ]
[Enter TREI TREEVERSON, who is also dressed in lederhosen type garb= .]
Alice: Holy crap! That's your brother?
Lief: Sure is -- see how manly his outfit is?
Alice: Uh, sure!
Trei: [With a very deep voice] Hi everyone! Spies, eh? Well, you've come to the right place. Uh, unless you're not spies and are looking for candlesticks, in which case... you've come to the right place!
Trei Treeverson sed in lederhosen type garb.]=0A> =0A> Alice: Holy crap! That's your brothe= r?=0A> =0A> Lief: Sure is -- see how manly his outfit is?=0A> =0A> Alice: U= h, sure!=0A> =0A> Trei: [With a very deep voice] Hi everyone! Spies, eh? We= ll, you've=0A> come to the right place. Uh, unless you're not spies and are= looking=0A> for candlesticks, in which case... you've come to the right pl= ace!=0A =0ASerena: [Fussing over Trei] Oh goodness gracious. You poor dear= . This=0Ais just horrible. [To Lief] Why has no one taken him to see a ph= ysician?=0AHe needs treatment immediately. And I'm not sure how much succe= ss=0Acan be had at this late stage. Right away! I need an artichoke heart= , a=0Atiger's chaudron and three buttons from the shirt of your highest pai= d =0Ablacksmith.=0A=0A=0A=0A is n? t, a
Trei: Hey baby, chill out, don't be fooled by the disguise. [Grabs Serena and gives her a passionate kiss that goes on, and on]
[And on, and on.]
Trei: [Finally finishing, with an audible pop] Although, I must admit, I do like the stockings. though, I must admit,=0A> I do like the stockings.=0A=0A=0ASerena: [Dazed] = Wha..? [Snaps out of it, wiping her mouth on her=0Asleeve and muttering a = prayer.]=0A=0A=0A
Harvey : [Outraged] I say sir, hands off the sister, what! Disgraceful cond= uct!
Trei: Sorry, buddy, I thought that's what she wanted. Yeesh, you think there was something weird about dressing up as a Mavarian, putting on lots of make up and kissing a nun. [Storms off in a huff.]
[Exit TREI, out the front door of the shop.]
Lief: Don't mind him. Between you and me, I think he likes that outfit a little too much. [Hands out a disguise for each party member] Right, that'll be 120GP for the lot.
Of course, no one has any money....
Harvey : Hmmm. We'd like to try them out first, on a trial basis, as I'm not convinced that we'll pass unnoticed.
Lief: Sorry, no can do. The last time I did that, I never saw the people again. They just blended into the crowd and disappeared.
Harvey : Just happened to blend into a passing group of Mavarians eh? Well sir, I can tell you this, we wouldn't dream of doing such an underhanded thing, what!
Charlie: [Scoffs] I don't believe you! Perhaps a demonstration is in order? [Attempts to hand out disguises to the party] Here, group! I must see this to believe it!
Fred: [Eyes the lederhosen suspiciously.] Can't I just get a wig or somethi= ng?
Alice: I thought you were wearing one already!
Lief: [Grabs the clothes and glares at Charlie] Hands off, bitch, before I stick a candle where it don't shine.
Dur: [Steps in front of Charlie protectively] Easy my good man. I am sure t= hat there is an easier way to resolve this. Perhaps half of the group could= try your outfits on while the other half waits. Once we confirm that they = are indeed as advertised, the other half of the group could try the outfits= on to be sure that the remaining disguises do indeed fit?
Alice: I've a better idea. Let's beat him up and steal his lederhosen.
Leif: [Shocked] Huh?
Alice: Oh, not you, someone else with lederhosen.
Fred: [Hopefully] I'm always ready for some gratuitious violence.
Alice: [Nods at a huge vase near Fred] Maybe you could use that?
Fred: [Picks the vase up carefully, then hefts it with both hands like a club.] Okay then, who are we fighting? t with both hands like=0A> a club.] Okay then, who are we fighting?=0A=0ACl=
int: [Tries to get behind Leif and whack him upside the head with his club = while Fred distracts everyone with the vase.] I'm still not wearing those = damn lederhosen!=0A=0A=0A=0A lub while Fred derhosen!
Leif: Attacking? You're not going to att-
[Bonk. CLINT knocks LEIF out with his club.]
Alice: Come on, Stinky! You'll be adorable! Look at how nice Trei looked!
Fred: Damnit, Clint, you're hogging all the victims! ims!=0A=0AClint: [Contrite.] Sorry, Fred. But when you see a whack-job who= wants you to wear [glares around at the party] lederhosen, well... a man's= gotta do what a man's gotta do! Now help me find a less stupid disguise! = [Roots around for generic "dangerous stranger" outfits.]=0A=0A=0A=0A you to wear [glares around at the party] lederhosen, well... a man's gotta= Roots around for generic "dangerous stranger" outfits.]
Harvey : [Picking up the lederhosen] I'm not sure about the discrete bit, but we'll certainly be in disguise, what! But...[glowers at the members of the party]...the first person who slaps my buttock dies!
Alice: How come? Rigged with explosives?
[Alas, CLINT cannot find any other disguises.]: [Reluctantly grabs a pair of lederhosen.] This is the most ridiculous thi= ng I've ever done!=0A=0A=0A=0A;;; So a group member was supposed to send me= something to compile and =0A;;; give to the boss, between, he said, 2:00 a=
nd 3:00. It's 3:00, there's =0A;;; nothing here, and I'm going to sleep. = But hey, at least I'm posting =0A;;; eaaaaaarly!=0A=0A=0A
Harvey : That I find hard to believe, private Scar, for you have done some incredibly ridiculous things! [To Leif] Where's the changing room?
Charlie: [Hops behind a display case and starts changing] Don't be so modest, Colonel! Nothing we ladies haven't seen before in an anatomy lab!
Alice: Frankly, Charlie, I doubt you've seen too many exploding buttocks. [To Leif] Well? Where's the changing room?
[LEIF, of course, is still unconscious!]
Alice: How rude!
Harvey: What's this? Asleep on the job! Outrageous, what! He'll not sell many candles that way! [Puts the lederhosen on over his normal clothes]
Alice: You know what? I have a good mind to leave without paying!
Harvey : I quite agree dear niece! The audacity of the man! I mean, where is the customer service these days! [Looks at his lederhosen] And why do I suddenly feel like drinking an ocean of beer from a ceramic mug and dance a silly dance, what?
Alice: Come on, let's go. Now, be careful that we stay close -- these disguises are so good that we might blend in too well with the ground and never find each other again.
[The party leave the shop and slip out into the street, prepared to blend in. The first person that sees them is TED EVERYMAN, a guy walking along the street. He immediately bursts out laughing at them.]
Ted: Haw! Priceless! That's just what I needed to see -- you guys are great!
Ted Everyman at!
Charlie: Surely you barely saw us, given how very like everyone else we are= ?!
Ted: [Laughs so hard some milk comes down his nose] Brilliant! You've cheered me up so much that I think I might even be able to go back and face more of that debate!
Harvey : Hmmm! Even though we didn't pay for these disguises, I still feel we've been ripped off, what!
Ted: [Screams with laughter] Disguises? Oh, this is too much! What are you? Spies? Come on, I'll show you where the debate is!
Harvey : Lead on, good sir!
Fred: [Adjusting his lederhosen, which only reach about halfway down his thighs.] You know, these aren't so bad. I should wear these more often, if only for the delightful breeze around my...
Also letting you guys know that I'll be driving to my parents in about two hours so my activity may be more spotty the rest of the week.
Ted: [Still guffawing] You guys are the greatest. [Gestures to show them the way, and walks with them] I'm guessing you're not supporters of those HARMA idiots?
No prob, thanks for letting us know est. [Gestures to show=0A>them the way, and walks with them] I'm guessing y= ou're not supporters=0A>of those HARMA idiots?=0A=0ASerena: [Looking somewh= at uncomfortable] I still do not see why everyone=0Ais so derogatory of HAR= MA. I mean besides the false accusations, they're=0Areally a good bunch.= =0A=0A=0A
Dur: Well personally I choose not to like any group that has tried to kill =
me more than once. Incidentally, that is also why I no longer like PETA, th=
e Prostitutes Express Training Academy. Honestly, it was only one of two bo=
tched surgery jobs; see I enlarged the wrong parts of their anatomy by mist=
ake. Boy, were those hookers mad! It's a good thing they couldn't run very =
fast with the enlarged feet I gave them!
On Wednesday, November 11, 2009, Day, Kevin R. (Las Colinas) NA
Alice: Aw! Dur!!You mean you don't like us?
=0AClint: [Excited.] Hey, these things make us look conspicuous? [Pretendi=
ng to be disappointed.] Oh, damn. Well, we can't have that... [Looks for =
a place he can change again.]=0A=0A=0A=0A
Ted: Too right! The only way you could be any more conspicuous is if
you were the Queens View party!
Charlie: [Laughs nervously] Wouldn't that be funny! [To the group,
urgently] Well, group, we'd best be on our way!
Ted: It's just up here.
[The party round a corner and see a huge stage erected in the
middle of the town square. Up on the stage, clearly in the middle of
having a debate are LARRY TING, one of the most respected political
commentators of The Realms, JOE NUNPAR, long time enemy of the party
who they have suspected of being behind the HARMA Initiative,
following several failed attempts to lead right wing take overs of the
realms, and ROGER ROGERS, the leader of the Sanity Party. JOE is
beaming madly, and the debate is clearly going his way, while ROGER
just looks completely beaten down. LARRY, on the other hand, looks
Larry: I mean, who sets these questions? [Reads from a card] One for
you, Col. Nunpar. Recent reports have suggested that you are 110%
adorable, what's your comment on that?
Joe: [Bashfully] Well, golly gee whittakers, Larry! I'm not sure I
could claim even 100%, because although I love puppies and kittens,
I'm not as cute as they are.
Larry: [To Roger] And for you, Mister Rogers, what is the square root
of the 252,312,904.0000001?
Roger: Uh, what?
Col. Joe Nunpar
he party round a corner and see a huge stage erected in the=0A> middle of t=
he town square. Up on the stage, clearly in the middle of=0A> having a deba=
te are LARRY TING, one of the most respected political=0A> commentators of =
The Realms, JOE NUNPAR, long time enemy of the party=0A> who they have susp=
ected of being behind the HARMA Initiative,=0A> following several failed at=
tempts to lead right wing take overs of the=0A> realms, and ROGER ROGERS, t=
he leader of the Sanity Party. JOE is=0A> beaming madly, and the debate is =
clearly going his way, while ROGER=0A> just looks completely beaten down. L=
ARRY, on the other hand, looks=0A> frustrated.]=0A> =0A> Larry: I mean, who=
sets these questions? [Reads from a card] One for=0A> you, Col. Nunpar. Re=
cent reports have suggested that you are 110%=0A> adorable, what's your com=
ment on that?=0A> =0A> Joe: [Bashfully] Well, golly gee whittakers, Larry! =
I'm not sure I=0A> could claim even 100%, because although I love puppies a=
nd kittens,=0A> I'm not as cute as they are.=0A> =0A> Audience: Aw!=0A> =0A=
of the 252,312,904.0000001?=0A> =0A> Roger: Uh, what?=0A> =0A> Audience: B=
oo!=0A=0AClint: [Glaring at Joe.] Oh, I can't stand that prick. [Brightens=
.] Hey, who wants to go kick his ass?=0A=0A=0A=0A
y, who wants to go kick his ass?
Harvey : Stay in character, private Scar! In your current outfit, you
should ask, hey, who wants to kick and slap his ass!
r current outfit, you=0A> should ask, hey, who wants to kick and slap his a=
ss!=0A=0AClint: [Looks down at his outfit with considerable disgust.] Yeah,=
you're right. Maybe we should leave him alone - I don't want anyone to se=
e me like this!=0A=0A=0A=0A
Harvey : No one will recognise you anyway private, that is the whole
point of these disguises!
e, that is the whole=0A> point of these disguises!=0A=0AClint: Do *you* wan=
t to take that chance, Harv?=0A=0A=0A=0A
Harvey : By the saints, of course I do not, private! Our aim is to
avoid attention, not attract it, what! Although it would bring me such
joy to give that rogue a sound thrashing!
Ted: You and anyone sane, my friend. Unfortunately, it seems like most
people here aren't. [Glances at the party's outfits] Ahem. I'd have
thought that the Sanity Party would be more popular, but for some
[Everyone turns to look at ROGER, who's making his final speech.]
Roger: [Sigh] Look. You must be mad to vote for him. If you want sane
and calm leadership, vote for me. If you want oppression, right
wingism and a dictatorship that will be simply incredible, then vote
[The audience are stunned into silence.]
Joe: [Stands up] You heard it here first. The leader of the opposition
says that I am [finger quotes] simply incredible, [end quotes] and
wants you to vote for me! Three cheers for the HARMA Initiative!
Alice: [To the party] Yikes, Phili on a bike! Maybe he might really win!
Harvey : By the saints troop, we may have to put a stop to this! This
crowd are buying his waffle, hook, line and sinker!
Fred: Indeed. Before you is the most convincing argument against
democracy anyone could make: The voters.
Audience/Mob: Harma! Harma! Harma!
Alice: But we can't kill them all, can we?
Charlie: Perhaps we could make a presentation! Our last one was quite
Harvey : [Looks increduously at Charlie] Hmm, I'm not quite so sure
about that....oh! You mean the one we all gave, oh yes indeed, that
was very well received! [Scratches at a sideburn] I think we may need
to beat Harma at their own game and sway the voters away from them!
Alice: Good idea, Unc! After all, how bad can Roger Rogers be?
[The party turn to look at ROGER once more.]
Roger: [Completely ineffectually trying to get people's attention] But
- you see - [deep sigh] I hate politics.
Alice: Hm. I guess he needs a lot of work.
[The debate is clearly over, and people are swarming away from
it, with many HARMA Initiative members amongst them.]
Roger: [Completely ineffectually trying to get people's attention] But=0A- =
you see - [deep sigh] I hate politics.=0A=0AAlice: Hm. I guess he needs a l=
ot of work.=0A=0A [The debate is clearly over, and people are swarmin=
g away from=0Ait, with many HARMA Initiative members amongst them.]=0A=0A=
=0ASerena: [Quietly after the departing crowd] harma, harma, harma...=0A[Tu=
rning back to the party] Ahem. Yes, of course, we should do=0Athe charitab=
le thing and help the poor guy out with some speech=0Agiving tips.=0A=0A=0A=
Ted: Well, good luck getting near him. Security is awfully tight since
the Queens View party together with those Moustache weirdoes. Everyone
is being watched. I'm being watched. The guy who's watching me is
being watched, the girl who's watching him is being watched, and I'm
watching the guy who's watching her.
is awfully tight since=0A> the Queens View party together with those Mousta=
che weirdoes. Everyone=0A> is being watched. I'm being watched. The guy who=
's watching me is=0A> being watched, the girl who's watching him is being w=
atched, and I'm=0A> watching the guy who's watching her.=0A=0A=0ASerena: Wh=
at are you watching for?=0A=0A=0A
Ted: Everything! I have it all written down. Want to see it?
Harvey : And if everyone is so busy watching everyone else in this
town, who is watching Harma?
Ted: [Shrugs] Idunno.
Alice: Aw! Dur!!You mean you don't like us?
=0AClint: [Excited.] Hey, these things make us look conspicuous? [Pretendi= ng to be disappointed.] Oh, damn. Well, we can't have that... [Looks for = a place he can change again.]=0A=0A=0A=0A
Ted: Too right! The only way you could be any more conspicuous is if you were the Queens View party!
Charlie: [Laughs nervously] Wouldn't that be funny! [To the group, urgently] Well, group, we'd best be on our way!
Ted: It's just up here.
[The party round a corner and see a huge stage erected in the middle of the town square. Up on the stage, clearly in the middle of having a debate are LARRY TING, one of the most respected political commentators of The Realms, JOE NUNPAR, long time enemy of the party who they have suspected of being behind the HARMA Initiative, following several failed attempts to lead right wing take overs of the realms, and ROGER ROGERS, the leader of the Sanity Party. JOE is beaming madly, and the debate is clearly going his way, while ROGER just looks completely beaten down. LARRY, on the other hand, looks frustrated.]
Larry: I mean, who sets these questions? [Reads from a card] One for you, Col. Nunpar. Recent reports have suggested that you are 110% adorable, what's your comment on that?
Joe: [Bashfully] Well, golly gee whittakers, Larry! I'm not sure I could claim even 100%, because although I love puppies and kittens, I'm not as cute as they are.
Larry: [To Roger] And for you, Mister Rogers, what is the square root of the 252,312,904.0000001?
Roger: Uh, what?
Col. Joe Nunpar
Larry Ti= ng
Roger Rogers he party round a corner and see a huge stage erected in the=0A> middle of t= he town square. Up on the stage, clearly in the middle of=0A> having a deba= te are LARRY TING, one of the most respected political=0A> commentators of = The Realms, JOE NUNPAR, long time enemy of the party=0A> who they have susp= ected of being behind the HARMA Initiative,=0A> following several failed at= tempts to lead right wing take overs of the=0A> realms, and ROGER ROGERS, t= he leader of the Sanity Party. JOE is=0A> beaming madly, and the debate is = clearly going his way, while ROGER=0A> just looks completely beaten down. L= ARRY, on the other hand, looks=0A> frustrated.]=0A> =0A> Larry: I mean, who= sets these questions? [Reads from a card] One for=0A> you, Col. Nunpar. Re= cent reports have suggested that you are 110%=0A> adorable, what's your com= ment on that?=0A> =0A> Joe: [Bashfully] Well, golly gee whittakers, Larry! = I'm not sure I=0A> could claim even 100%, because although I love puppies a= nd kittens,=0A> I'm not as cute as they are.=0A> =0A> Audience: Aw!=0A> =0A= of the 252,312,904.0000001?=0A> =0A> Roger: Uh, what?=0A> =0A> Audience: B= oo!=0A=0AClint: [Glaring at Joe.] Oh, I can't stand that prick. [Brightens= .] Hey, who wants to go kick his ass?=0A=0A=0A=0A y, who wants to go kick his ass?
Harvey : Stay in character, private Scar! In your current outfit, you should ask, hey, who wants to kick and slap his ass! r current outfit, you=0A> should ask, hey, who wants to kick and slap his a= ss!=0A=0AClint: [Looks down at his outfit with considerable disgust.] Yeah,= you're right. Maybe we should leave him alone - I don't want anyone to se= e me like this!=0A=0A=0A=0A like this!
Harvey : No one will recognise you anyway private, that is the whole point of these disguises! e, that is the whole=0A> point of these disguises!=0A=0AClint: Do *you* wan= t to take that chance, Harv?=0A=0A=0A=0A
Harvey : By the saints, of course I do not, private! Our aim is to avoid attention, not attract it, what! Although it would bring me such joy to give that rogue a sound thrashing!
Ted: You and anyone sane, my friend. Unfortunately, it seems like most people here aren't. [Glances at the party's outfits] Ahem. I'd have thought that the Sanity Party would be more popular, but for some reason aren't.
[Everyone turns to look at ROGER, who's making his final speech.]
Roger: [Sigh] Look. You must be mad to vote for him. If you want sane and calm leadership, vote for me. If you want oppression, right wingism and a dictatorship that will be simply incredible, then vote for him.
[The audience are stunned into silence.]
Joe: [Stands up] You heard it here first. The leader of the opposition says that I am [finger quotes] simply incredible, [end quotes] and wants you to vote for me! Three cheers for the HARMA Initiative!
Alice: [To the party] Yikes, Phili on a bike! Maybe he might really win! h.]
Harvey : By the saints troop, we may have to put a stop to this! This crowd are buying his waffle, hook, line and sinker!
Fred: Indeed. Before you is the most convincing argument against
democracy anyone could make: The voters. Audience/Mob: Harma! Harma! Harma!
Alice: But we can't kill them all, can we?
Charlie: Perhaps we could make a presentation! Our last one was quite well-received.
Harvey : [Looks increduously at Charlie] Hmm, I'm not quite so sure about that....oh! You mean the one we all gave, oh yes indeed, that was very well received! [Scratches at a sideburn] I think we may need to beat Harma at their own game and sway the voters away from them!
Alice: Good idea, Unc! After all, how bad can Roger Rogers be?
[The party turn to look at ROGER once more.]
Roger: [Completely ineffectually trying to get people's attention] But - you see - [deep sigh] I hate politics.
Alice: Hm. I guess he needs a lot of work.
[The debate is clearly over, and people are swarming away from it, with many HARMA Initiative members amongst them.]r Rogers be?=0A=0A [The party turn to look at ROGER once more.]=0A=0A=
Roger: [Completely ineffectually trying to get people's attention] But=0A- = you see - [deep sigh] I hate politics.=0A=0AAlice: Hm. I guess he needs a l= ot of work.=0A=0A [The debate is clearly over, and people are swarmin= g away from=0Ait, with many HARMA Initiative members amongst them.]=0A=0A=
=0ASerena: [Quietly after the departing crowd] harma, harma, harma...=0A[Tu= rning back to the party] Ahem. Yes, of course, we should do=0Athe charitab= le thing and help the poor guy out with some speech=0Agiving tips.=0A=0A=0A=
Ted: Well, good luck getting near him. Security is awfully tight since the Queens View party together with those Moustache weirdoes. Everyone is being watched. I'm being watched. The guy who's watching me is being watched, the girl who's watching him is being watched, and I'm watching the guy who's watching her. is awfully tight since=0A> the Queens View party together with those Mousta= che weirdoes. Everyone=0A> is being watched. I'm being watched. The guy who= 's watching me is=0A> being watched, the girl who's watching him is being w= atched, and I'm=0A> watching the guy who's watching her.=0A=0A=0ASerena: Wh= at are you watching for?=0A=0A=0A
Ted: Everything! I have it all written down. Want to see it?
Harvey : And if everyone is so busy watching everyone else in this town, who is watching Harma?
Ted: [Shrugs] Idunno.
Dur: I thought we were?
Whoo! Post 100!
Charlie: [To Ted] You seem awfully resourceful! Would you be a dear and fetch Roger for us?
Ted: [Sharp intake of breath] I might be a fully paid up member of the Sanity Party, but I'm not insane, I don't want to be seen with him.
Alice: [To Ted] Can I see the notes you've taken about the guy you're watch= ing?
Ted: Sure. [Hands over a notebook]
[ALICE opens the notebook. There is an entry every five minutes, tagged with the day and time. Every single one appears to say either "Taking Notes" or "Sleeping".]y paid up member of the=0A> Sanity Party, but I'm not insane, I don't want = to be seen with him.=0A> =0A> Alice: [To Ted] Can I see the notes you've ta= ken about the guy you're =0A> watching?=0A> =0A> Ted: Sure. [Hands over a n= an entry every five=0A> minutes, tagged with the day and time. Every single= one appears to say=0A> either "Taking Notes" or "Sleeping".]=0A=0AClint: I= 'll handle this! [Starts yodeling.] Roger get over here!=0A=0A=0A=0A
[Alas, CLINT's yodeling is lost amongst the chants of the HARMA fans.= ]A fans.]
Charlie: [Starts chanting] RO-GER! RO-GER! RO-GER! sunglasses] a good rogering! =0A=0A=0A
Harvey : [Looks at Clint for a long, long time] Anyway, troop, perhaps we should start our own political group! We could call ourselves...[dramatically puts on a pair of pince nez]...the Party Troop! [Laughs long, loud and alone]
[Alas, CHARLIE's chanting does no good, and soon, ROGER has disappeared into the crowd, in the opposite direction to where the party are.]
Ted: [To the party] Well, curfew is about to start, you better get back to where ever you're staying. The cops are really out in force with the election being so close.
Charlie: [Wails] How humiliating! The impotent chant! [Composes herself] Group, we must find ourselves a safe haven for the evening. I don't suppose anyone else knows a good place to stay?
Colin is out today
Harvey: [To Ted] You sir, you have been very helpful so far, could we prevail upon you once again?
Ted: Sorry, friend, I'd love to help, but there's only room for one on my park bench. [Gets on a nearby bench and covers himself up with newspapers]
Alice: [Looks at one of the newspapers] Oh my God! helpful so far, could we=0A> prevail upon you once again?=0A> =0A> Ted: Sor= ry, friend, I'd love to help, but there's only room for one on=0A> my park = bench. [Gets on a nearby bench and covers himself up with=0A> newspapers]= =0A> =0A> Alice: [Looks at one of the newspapers] Oh my God!=0A=0A=0ASerena= : [Taking a look at the newspaper] Please don't take Phili's name=0Ain vain= , dear.=0A=0A=0A
Alice: I didn't! You just did -- you just said Phili. I didn't say Phili!
Ted: [Looks up from his bench] Will you just stop saying Phili?
Alice: Now he's saying Phili! Phili. I didn't say Phili!=0A> =0A> Ted: [Looks up from his bench] Will you= just stop saying Phili?=0A> =0A> Alice: Now he's saying Phili!=0A=0A=0ASer=
ena: I didn't know you were so keen to spread the Word, Alice. =0AGood on = you, dear! Phili always welcomes new disciples!=0A=0A=0A
Alice: I can think of one word that describes what you're spreading right now, Serena! hat you're spreading=0A> right now, Serena!=0A=0A=0ASerena: I can think of = three! Peace, love and happiness.=0A=0A=0A
Alice: If that's true, then you're spreading them pretty thin!
Charlie: This bickering isn't helpful, you two! We must find a safe place to rest our weary heads tonight!
Fred: But can we please get Bavarian first? I have an urgent need to consume atrocious amounts of beer and dance in circles...
Ted: Well, good luck with that, every place in town is booked up, between the election and that big conference.
Alice: [To the party] Hey! I bet I know where there's a vacant room, and it'll be the place HARMA least expect us to be!
Fred: Our old room that we expended so much energy into distancing ourselves from?
Fred: It would certainly be unexpected, since they would never think us stupid enough to try it. Maybe we should unconditionally surrender ourselves in the hope that the surprise would make their heads explode?
Charlie: [Scolding] Please, don't let's give her ideas! [Claps her hands] Chop chop! If no one else has a suggestion, then--back to the room!
Alice: Oh! Good idea, Fred. Maybe we could get Clint to say something smart? That would really freak them out! Or get Serena to say something nice about people? What a shocker?
[Blah blah blah. The party head to the hotel, to get her to shut the hell up if for nothing else.]
end of scene, next one coming right up
[Book VI, Act XII. Scene IV. Drump Towers. ALICE, CHARLIE, CLINT, DUR, FRED, HARVEY and SERENA are here, returning to the scene of the crime. There are a number of HARMA Initiates here, but not too many. At the door is TOMPARS.]
Tompars: [Holds his hand up to stop the party] Hello. I'm afraid we're under strict instructions not to let anyone into the hotel tonight, security is very strict on account of the murder and the fact that the presidential candidates are staying here. [Thinks for a moment] Hm, there was something else too, give me a second. [Checks his notebook] Gah! I'm also not supposed to tell anyone about the presidential candidates staying here, or about the murder.
Alice: [Surprised] Are the presidential candidates staying here?
Tompars: [Defensively] No! [Calms down] I mean, no, no they're not.
Alice: Was there a murder here?
Alice: Well, if there was, I sure hope it wasn't one of the presidential candidates.
Tompars: No, they're all fine, safe in their rooms.
[A brief moment of time passes.]
Tompars: ....in some other hotel, somewhere else.
Charlie: What a relief! I shouldn't want anyone important staying in this place. This hotel is simply dreadful. [To Tompars, in a gossipy, lowered tone] I heard there was a murder here recently! Really, with these rates one has an expectation of living through the night, at the very least! Had you heard anything about it?? Tell, tell!
Tompars: I know, it's just shocking, isn't it? Come the revolution, this place will be torched. However, I'm afraid I'll have to ask you to leave. Only guests are allowed in the hotel.
Charlie: That's right, we are guests here, so we'll just be on our way to bed then! e'll just be=0A> on our way to bed then!=0A=0AClint: [Beaming a fake smile.= ] Yeah, we're all tired out from that exciting debate!=0A=0A=0A=0A
Tompars: Not so fast! If you really are guests here, and I mean, really, you'll have proof. Absolute, incontrovertible proof. Do you have that? Well, do you? re, and I mean,=0A> really, you'll have proof. Absolute, incontrovertible p= roof. Do you=0A> have that? Well, do you?=0A=0AClint: Uhhh... let me check= .=0A=0A;;; Do we have that? Well, do we? Say, our room key?=0A=0A=0A=0A =
Harvey : Of course we have proof, for who else but a guest at this hotel would know two secret yet important facts about the hotel. Firstly, the presidential candidates are staying here. And secondly, a murder took place!
Tompars: Egads! It's like you have a direct line to the HARMA leadership!
Alice: Plus, we have a key! [Points the key that Harvey still has]
Tompars: Off you. [The party enter the hotel.]
Alice: Of course, that key is for Deuce's room, should we go up there and kill him? Or will we find somewhere else to sleep for the night? There's bound to be some room that we can go into.
Charlie: [Aghast] We mustn't kill Deuce! He is one of the finest minds of our time. [Dismissively] Oh, and killing is wrong, etc. Perhaps we could trap him and incapacitate him?
Colin's out again today
Harvey: Now's not the time to think about this, we better find a vacant room. Any thoughts, troop? Did anyone hear anything that might suggest a room that could be vacant? ime to think about this, we better find a=0A> vacant room. Any thoughts, tr= oop? Did anyone hear anything that might=0A> suggest a room that could be v= acant?=0A=0A=0ASerena: I hope you're not suggesting the murdered man's room= , Colonel!=0A=0A=0A
Harvey: [Face lights up] Ah! Excellent idea, Sister! That will be far more comfortable than the broom closet that I was thinking of! ter! That will be far=0A> more comfortable than the broom closet that I was= thinking of!=0A=0A=0ASerena: But there will be such bad vibes in that room= . It's going to =0Abe terrible for everyone's ch'i.=0A=0A=0A
Fred: I concur with Serena. We would have had to kill or physically subdue the previous occupant ourselves in order to take his residence, or the murderer. Otherwise, we're just cheating.
Alice: She's talking pure ch'i! And anyway, Fred, maybe we DID kill the previous occupant? Maybe we're such bad asses that not only did we kill him, we're not even talking about it! Huh? Sounds pretty scary to me!
Fred: But if you killed him, surely you would want to boast of your conquest, so that others may learn to fear and respect you!
Alice: Unless you're on an secret mission to kill many, many more, and the success of that depends on keeping this one quiet -- but when it all comes out, just imagine the fear and respect!
Fred: I still prefer to conquer my foes openly rather than from the shadows. Besides, the lamentation of their women is so much more haunting when I know that they know that it was I that made them widows.
Alice: Holy Phili, God Almighty, give me patience! [Gets increasingly louder so that she's almost shouting by the time she's finished] We all prefer to see women cry when we kill people, and we'd all like to drag some poor innocent screaming from their room so that we can beat them to death, but for God's sake, can't you see that we have to keep a low profile? [Ignoring the frightened looks from those around, and adding, very, very loudly] Can't you?
Tompars: [Still outside the door, but spotting everyone now watching the party] Is everything okay?
Harvey: Er, yes, just practicing for a play, what!
Fred: A low profile? [Thinks hard for a moment.] Is this a jab at me because of my height?
Alice: No, because of your stupidity!
Dur: [Guffaws loudly] Better you than me my friend!
Charlie: [Claps her hands] And--scene! Marvelous, group! Now, let's turn in for a restful night's sleep.
[The party head upstairs to room 666, which they find without too much trouble.]666, which they find without=0A> too much trouble.]=0A=0AClint: [Cheerfull= y.] Well, we shouldn't have any problems fitting in here at all!=0A=0A=0A= =0A
Alice: Uh, how are we going to get in? Our key is to Deuce's room.
[The door opens. Enter SHELDON PARSONS, a disgusted looking young man, wearing a super hero t-shirt (of "The Flash", a crime fighting sexual deviant who stuns criminals by swiftly opening his trenchcoat). He is talking back to someone in the room.]
Sheldon: ...worst display I've ever seen by either political candidate or third grade maths student. [Turns and spots all the party, stepping back, startled, before giving them a very cheesy and clearly fake smile] Ah, well wishers! You are well wishers, aren't you? And not some insane HARMA Initiates who want to beat us all to death?
Fred: [Thinking carefully] Well, we're not HARMA Initiates...
Sheldon: [Looks the party up and down] And you're not Mavarian, that's much for certain. What do you want? It's difficult enough trying to coach Rogers without being interrupted.
Charlie: We're here to help you coach Rogers! [Adds modestly] Perhaps you heard of our presentation on GINGER at the recent Science and Stuff Conference? It was quite the show-stopper! er!=0A=0AClint: And you losers could clearly use our help, too! Your man w= as getting his ass kicked out there!=0A =0A=0A=0A tting his ass kicked out there!
Harvey : Yes indeed, the crowd were most definitely not on his side, what!
Sheldon: Well, his approval rate is declining at an alarming rate, and I don't see what harm bringing in a bunch of weirdoes wearing lederhosen could possibly do, so yes, come on in. [Lowly] Be warned, though, we got this room at a cheap rate because a murder just took place here. I hope that doesn't disturb any of you.
Charlie: Not at all! We face grave danger on a regular basis.
Sheldon: Well, good for you!
[SHELDON opens the door and leads the party in, slowing as he has to step over the covered body of WERNSTROM, that has a big pool of blood around where the head is. There are two people in the room, ROGER ROGERS and BETSY MCTOY, the latter of whom has an absolutely enormous book with her, that must be at least ten thousand pages long.]
Roger: [Sigh] Are they here to take the body away?
Betsy M= cToy
Charlie: [Aghast] Surely that isn't sanitary?
Betsy: [Emphatically] No it's not! And we in the Sane party are in favour of sanitary conditions.
Alice: Don't you mean Sane-itary? [Readies herself for Betsy's laugh]
Betsy: No, that's not a word.
Fred: [To Betsy] Tell me, what is that glorious book you're reading?
Betsy: Oh, you do have a good eye! It is glorious, although, it's actually more of a pamphlet than a book. It's a copy of our election pamphlet.
Dur: No wonder you don't have any supporters; nobody wants to read your cam= paign material!
Sheldon: [Triumphantly to Betsy] See? I told you it was too long. [To the party] I have the perfect strategy for winning the election; I can mathematically prove that we will get at least 70% of the vote.
Harvey: By the saints! That sounds great! What is it?
Sheldon: [Pulls a cover of a white board, which is covered in insanely complicated mathematical formula] First, let us assume the existence of a perfectly spherical voter, living in a vacuum, and that all voters are exactly 25 years old.
Alice: [To the party] I think they're screwed.
Fred: Nah, I think he's on to something...
Clint: No, they're screwed. Where I come from, most voters are perfectly s= pherical, but young people voting? Ha!=0A=0A=0A=0A
Charlie: [Considers Roger shrewdly] First, we must find some way to increase the visual appeal of the candidate. [Laments] If only we knew some flamboyant men!
Roger: [Shifts uncomfortably in his seat] I don't think I'd be comfortable with appealing to style over substance in that way.
Alice: How about we find some compromising pictures of your opponent?
Roger: [Considers for a moment and then shrugs] Sure. That would be fine.
Betsy: No! No! No! The pamphlet speaks for itself! t think I'd be=0A> comfortable with appealing to style over substance in th= at way.=0A> =0A> Alice: How about we find some compromising pictures of you= r opponent?=0A> =0A> Roger: [Considers for a moment and then shrugs] Sure. = That would be fine.=0A> =0A> Betsy: No! No! No! The pamphlet speaks for its= elf!=0A=0AClint: It sure does! What it says is "I'm a moron who can't shut= up. Don't vote for me!"=0A=0A=0A
Betsy: Actually, it specifically says the opposite! Did you even read page 3152?
Charlie: That's the second issue we need to address. Your campaign materials need to be condensed considerably, and the key points need to be illustrated by slides with amusing captions and colorful images. People LOVE slides!
Betsy: Don't be ridiculous. Slides aren't portable. Besides, we have plenty of colourful and amusing pictures. Just look at the section dealing with our views on abortion.
Charlie: [Looks at the images and frowns] While they ARE colorful, I fail to see the humor in these images. [Wisely] Remember, if you have to explain a joke, it is a failure. y] Remember, if you have=0A> to explain a joke, it is a failure.=0A=0AClint= : And the most important thing to remember of all is that the average voter= is an idiot with the attention span of a fruitfly.=0A=0A;;; Err... not th= at *I* believe this, no....=0A=0A=0A=0A e voter is an idiot with the attention span of a fruitfly.
Sheldon: [As Betsy tuts at Charlie's unkind words] Well actually, if you consider the board for a moment, you'll see that variable theta corresponds to the attention span of the average voter, a simple dy/dx shows that as the election gets closer the attention span approaches the limit, which is .75 times that of the average fruitfly. [Beams happily]
Alice: [To the party] Speaking of bored!
Charlie: [Excited] Have you seen Dr. Goldblum's fascinating work on the learning retention of Laphria sadales?
Sheldon: Goldblum is a quack. I was at the conference in which he presented the work, and, when I helpfully stood up during the climax of his speech and pointed out that there was a fundamental flaw in his math, so that Laphria sadales are not, as he claimed, geniuses, he became enraged and threw a box of spiders at me.
Charlie: [Thrilled] That was YOU? I read all about that in my Fringe Science Monthly Supplement!
Sheldon: [Sniffs haughtily] Well, I'm quite sure that you didn't read about my terrible allergies to spider bites, but when one is a visionary, one often has to suffer for one's vocation.
Roger: [Sighs] Look, can we please get back to the election? [To the party] You look like, er, ordinary voters, albeit with a pretty weird dress sense. What do you think we should do?
Betsy: [Scornfully] They haven't even read the election pamphlet!
Fred: I can remedy that. Hand it over. [Reaches for the pamphlet.]
Betsy: Sure thing! [Hands it over, but stops before releasing it] Of course, this is just volume one. [Hands it to Fred]
Fred: No matter. [Takes the book, puts on his reading glasses, sits down somewhere comfortable and starts reading.]
Colin's out again today?
Harvey: [Incredulous] By the saints! We don't have the time for this!
Dur: Time is relative Colonel.
Conor, I'm not going to be available Tomorrow or Monday so you may want= to take me off the list. I am moving into an office to go with my big prom= otion!
Harvey: By the saints! No wonder the Sanity Party is losing so badly!
Promotion? Whohoo! I'll take you off tonight, Kevin.
Fred: I don't get it. Everything makes perfect sense. I don't understand why you're losing. Look here in the paragraph regarding
facial hair: "It is certain, to an extent where there is no doubt about it, that the facial hair of men, that is, such hair as does grow on the general area of the head which faces forward, or the same direction as the nose and chin, assuming that the man in question has grown in a natural manner, not to say that crooked growth is unnatural, since such things happen in nature as well, is within the fundamental right of any man, or woman, if applicable, since in some cases women can grow coarse facial hair as well, and these women should certainly not be judged by it, everyone is beautiful in their own way, to wear and should absolutely not be made illegal, as that is a grave attack on personal freedom and tolerance." Seriously, how can it be any clearer? ense. I don't=0A> understand why you're losing. Look here in the paragraph = regarding=0A> facial hair: "It is certain, to an extent where there is no d= oubt=0A> about it, that the facial hair of men, that is, such hair as does = grow=0A> on the general area of the head which faces forward, or the same= =0A> direction as the nose and chin, assuming that the man in question has= =0A> grown in a natural manner, not to say that crooked growth is=0A> unnat= ural, since such things happen in nature as well, is within the=0A> fundame= ntal right of any man, or woman, if applicable, since in some=0A> cases wom= en can grow coarse facial hair as well, and these women=0A> should certainl= y not be judged by it, everyone is beautiful in their=0A> own way, to wear = and should absolutely not be made illegal, as that is=0A> a grave attack on= personal freedom and tolerance." Seriously, how can=0A> it be any clearer= ?=0A=0AClint: How 'bout "facial hair is not evil."=0A=0A=0A
Alice: Except those little pencil thin beards, Clint. Well, not evil, just annoying.
Betsy: [To Fred] Thank you! [In general] See? If even a barbarian like him can understand it, it must be perfectly clear.
Roger: Yeah, not so much. [Shifts uncomfortably] Sheldon, do you have any idea how we can win? That is, that doesn't rely on perfectly spherical voters?
Sheldon: As a matter of fact, I do. I have given the matter considerable though, and have weighed up all the variables. There are two choices. I believe the most practical one is to simply cheat.
Charlie: How naughty! What is your plan for stealing the election??
Sheldon: We employ the services of some lowlifes -- possibly those who are already wanted for some crime, so that they will be keen to help out the new president -- who, ideally, already have good disguises such as one might obtain from a spy shop, and get them to stuff the ballot box tomorrow evening. -- possibly those who=0A> are already wanted for some crime, so that they = will be keen to help=0A> out the new president -- who, ideally, already hav= e good disguises=0A> such as one might obtain from a spy shop, and get them= to stuff the=0A> ballot box tomorrow evening.=0A=0AClint: [Slowly.] Yeees,= but where are you going to find lowlifes wanted for a crime who already ha= ve good disguises such as one might obtain from a spyshop? Maybe you shoul= d just hire us! Our rates are reasonable!=0A=0A=0A=0A or a crime who already have good disguises such as one might obtain from a =
Harvey : Although of course, we are not lowlifes wanted for a crime who already have good disguises such as one might obtain from a spyshop. Just to make that clear. However, when needs must, what!
Charlie: Well said, Colonel! We are most happy to be of service for the greater political good!
Roger: [Uneasy] Although, that really is our last resort. Sheldon, why don't you tell them the other alternatives?
Sheldon: Well actually, I only consider there to be one alternative, because the third choice to which you refer is simply so repugnant, that I cannot bring myself to talk about it.
Dur: Don't be so sure! One man's repugnant is another man's tasty treat! t!
Sheldon: Of that I am quite sure.
Roger: [Sighs] What he's talking about is getting a celebrity endorsement. It would surely swing the election in our favour. After all, everyone loves celebrities, don't they?
Charlie: On the contrary, according to a recent study published by Hi!, there are celebrities we love, celebrities we hate, AND celebrities we love to hate! [To Alice] Normally, I shy away from that particular periodical, but there were stacks and stacks of it at my dentist's office, and me without my notepad or any my usual journals!
Alice: Sure sure. [To Roger] What is the third alternative?
Sheldon: [With relish] A scandal! lternative?=0A> =0A> Sheldon: [With relish] A scandal!=0A=0AClint: By Phili= , you're in luck! We know some celebrities who can endorse you, and hell, = we can create a scandal!=0A=0A=0A=0A rse you, and hell, we can create a scandal!
Sheldon: Excellent! What sort of scandal did you have in mind? have in mind?=0A=0AClint: [Glances from Alice to Charlie to Serena.] How a= bout "opposition candidate found naked in a hotel room with a nun, a noted = academic, and... err... some other girl." Would that do? [Glances at Dur.= ] Or would you prefer him to be found with some bum instead?=0A=0A=0A=0A=0A= andidate found naked in a hotel room with a nun, a noted academic, and... = u prefer him to be found with some bum instead?
Fred: Or he could be found murdered by a screaming, axe-swinging berserker. Is that scandalous enough?
Roger: [Excitedly] I think the orgy one sounds best.
Charlie: No, it must be believable!
Fred: Or... [Takes off his glasses for dramatical effect.] We could make it so outrageous that people will think it unimaginable, and thus has to be true.
Alice: So, a scandal it is. What matter of scandal will we go for?
Charlie: How about [spreads hands dramatically] candidate caught propositioning a goat?!
Alice: Good idea, Charlie, but where are we going to get a goat in Dementia? At this hour of night?
Charlie: All right, then, why not just a garden-variety prostitute? [Looks at Alice pointedly]
Alice: [Shrugs] It wouldn't be the first political career that I've destroyed.
Betsy: No, no, no! Our election material should speak for itself!
Charlie: [To Betsy] Alas, it does not. [To Alice, assessing her thoughtfully] Let's see--tone down the make-up by about 50%, button those top three buttons--yes, that should do it!
Dur: [Drooling and disappointed] So, no goat?!
Alice: [Also disappointed] What's it going to be? Man found in prayer meeting with nun??
Charlie: As I have said, it must be believable! No self-respecting sex worker would wear so much make-up or dress so provocatively! [Wisely] Men desire mystery.
That's my three, I believe! so provocatively!=0A> [Wisely] Men desire mystery.=0A=0AClint: Speaking as = an actual man, I can tell you that's a load of crap!=0A=0A=0A=0A
Roger: But how are we going to get her in there? And ensure that the press are present?
Folks, posting has been pretty slow recently. Please remember, we need an average of THREE posts per person per day, and it is very important to tell the rest of us when you're going to be absent.
Fred: I concur. All other things being equal, a scantily clad woman is always preferable to a more conservatively dressed woman. there? And ensure that the=0A> press are present?=0A=0A> Fred: I concur. Al= l other things being equal, a scantily clad woman is=0A> always preferable = to a more conservatively dressed woman.=0A=0AClint: You just leave getting = her in there to us, and we'll leave getting the press there to you. [Looks= to Harvey.] What, take us 30 minutes or so?=0A=0A=0A=0A so?
Harvey: I'm not sure I approve of this plan, Private Scar, but yes, that should be enough.
Sheldon: Oh, how exciting! What do you need? vate Scar, but yes,=0A> that should be enough.=0A> =0A> Sheldon: Oh, how ex= citing! What do you need?=0A=0AClint: Directions to their headquarters, a g= ood sword, and a box of cigars?=0A =0A=0A=0A
Fred: Eh? What do we need the cigars for?
lint: [Incredulous] You don't expect me to handle a tricky job like this wi= thout a box of cigars, do you Fred?=0A=0A=0A=0A
Alice: Besides, Fred, what self resepecting poltical scandal doesn't involve cigars?
Betsy: We don't have any weapons or cigars, but the HARMA leader is staying in this very hotel. ical scandal doesn't=0A> involve cigars?=0A> =0A> Betsy: We don't have any = weapons or cigars, but the HARMA leader is=0A> staying in this very hotel.=
=0A=0AClint: [Displeased.] I don't suppose you have a liquor cabinet?=0A=0A=
By the way, I got my second faculty job interview this morning. So far= , =0A;;; I'm 2 for 3, which is, like, a lot better than I expected!=0A=0A= =0A
Roger: Sure, but it's empty. far,
Well done, Tom!
Fred: Looks like this is one assignment you're doing sober and smoke-free, Clint., Clint.
Harvey : By the saints, that'll be a first, what!
Apologies for the absence lately, damned clients and their no-email pol= icy! relandD
Sheldon: [Calculating some figures on some paper] I predict a 95% chance of failure, with a 60% chance of everyone involved ending up in jail. [Cheerfully] But best of luck!
Betsy: Nunpar is in room 777, that's directly above us. What's your plan?
Charlie: Alice will go upstairs and knock on the door, asking for a Mr. Goodbar. When he isn't there, she can let slip that he was her "special date" for the night, and now she will just have to find some other man to receive her sexual favors, for which she charges a nominal fee. When he takes the bait, instant scandal!
Alice: [Highly offended] Woah, woah, woah, woah! Nominal fee? What kind of prostitute do you think I am?
Fred: Quiet, woman. This is no time to develop a sense of shame.
Alice: It's not a sense of shame, it's a sense of pride!
[Exit the party.]
Betsy: [Dismayed] They didn't take any of our pamphlets!
Sheldon: That's because they're not idiots.
End of scene, next one coming right up
[Book VI, Act XII, Scene V. The Seventh Floor. ALICE, CHARLIE, CLINT, DUR, FRED, HARVEY and SERENA are here. There are a number of HARMA Initiates dotted around, including one at the door of the stairwell. This is BARRY GOODBAR, and he holds a hand up to stop the party.]
Barry: Halt, and make yourselves known.
Alice: [Flutters her eyelids] Well, hello there. I'm here for a [licks her lips salaciously] special date with Mr. Goodbar.
Barry: [Taken aback] Uh, I'm Mr. Goodbar.
Alice: [To the party] Oh, crap!
Harvey : Are you Mr Goodbar, senior, or junior? relandD
Barry: Why, I'm Mr. Goodbar senior, of course!
Dur: Well then, Mr. Goodbar, we are here for our date.
Barry: Uh, what date?
Dur: [Looks distraught] You mean you don't remember?
Barry: [Cautiously] No, I can't say as I do. Can you tell me what this is in reference to?
Dur: [Next to tears] How should we know?! You're the one who set up the dat= e! Maybe YOU can tell US what this is in reference to!
That is three. By the way I will be out from 12 CST tomorrow til Monday = the 30th. Happy Thanksgiving everyone.... Except for the brits I guess?
Barry: Look, is this just some cheap attempt to gain an audience with Colonel Nunpar?
Charlie: [Snaps her fingers] THAT was the name, NUNpar! [To Alice] Some horrid bodily fluid must have smudged the lettering!
Alice: Oh yes. [Gives Charlie a wink] It's Nunpar who has an appointment with you!
Fred: It is obvious that you cannot fathom the intricacies of our predicament, so how about you just resign yourself to let us through and then matters will be clearer, yes? ntricacies of our=0A> predicament, so how about you just resign yourself to= let us through=0A> and then matters will be clearer, yes?=0A=0AClint: And = by intricacies, he means [does a pelvic thrust and grunts.]=0A=0A;;; And by= happy thanksgiving to the non-Brits, I think you actually mean =0A;;; happ= y thanksgiving to me, Kevin. Unless Heather still counts? =0A;;; Anyway, = have a great turkey day yourself!=0A=0A=0A
Dur: [Is startled by Clint's violent pelvic thrust] Frightening!
I almost spit my soda out on that one Tom. Hillarious. I have to remind= myself not to drink and read these e-mails. =20
Barry: So, [points at Clint] you are going to have sex with [points at Alice] her? In the corridor? ve sex with [points at=0A> Alice] her? In the corridor?=0A=0AClint: Don't b= e silly. The work order - which one of you guys has the work order, anyway= ? - clearly specifies a romantic room with someone else.=0A=0A=0A work order, anyway? - clearly specifies a romantic room with someone else.
Barry: You - you mean - she's a prostitute? [Shocked] I don't think you realize where you are -- you must want Roger Rogers room, he's down stairs.
Charlie: Don't play the innocent with us, sir!
Yes, I still celebrate Thanksgiving, and now so does Conor! If only the rest of Ireland would give us the day off, though!
Barry: How dare! [Pause] You!
Harvey : Oh come on man! What man on earth hasn't at one time spent time in= the rented arms of a lady! relandD
Fred: Look, we can do this the quiet way and you let us in, or we can go straight to the Guild of Prostitutes. Are you willing to cause the scandal that not only did a high-ranking HARMA member order some cavorting with a rented lady, but also that he refused to pay her?
Barry: Okay, if it'll keep you quiet. Go on, I'll do her.
Alice: [Wipes away a tear] That's about the most romantic thing I've ever heard! let us in, or we can=0A> go straight to the Guild of Prostitutes. Are you = willing to cause the=0A> scandal that not only did a high-ranking HARMA mem= ber order some=0A> cavorting with a rented lady, but also that he refused t= o pay her?=0A=0AClint: [Clucks his tongue.] Disgraceful, isn't it? [Shakes= his head sadly.]=0A=0A=0A=0Ay.]
Harvey : By the saints, what the press would make of that story, eh! relandD adly.]
Barry: Yeesh! I said I'll have sex with her! Come on! [Drops his trousers, revealing a very disturbing "Spy-rights of the Caribbean" underpants.]
Fred: [To Alice] Go on then, everyone's waiting.
I'm visiting my parents again, so I'll be travelling after noon and my activity may be lacking the next three days.
Charlie: [Looks closely at the codpiece and says to Barry in worried tone] Oh, dear! What is this?? Surely it shouldn't be rusting like that!
If Barry looks down, Charlie will take advantage of his distractedness to shove him down the stairs.
Barry: [Swallows hard, so loudly that some of the other HARMA Initiates look over, but drops his underpants, revealing what appears to be a large metal codpiece with a keyhole] There you go.
Alice: Right, now, if one of my minions would take it off, we'll sort you o= ut.
Barry: What? [Looks down]
[CHARLIE grabs BARRY and trips him down the stairs.]
Alice: Hey! Don't you treat my minion like that!
[The party move along the corridor, only to be approached by another HARMA Initiate, ROD BERRY.]
Rod: Halt! Who goes there?
The website is down for a bit, so picture to come!
Charlie: [To Barry] Er, do show us this chastity belt so that we may make sure we have the right key. [Trying to sound mysterious and sexy] Mistress Alice has many unworthy minions under her thrall, you know!
Colin's out today
Harvey: By the saints! This is unacceptable!
Barry: I'll say -- I've been waiting months to get the chastity belt unlocked, and I'm starting to wonder if you even have the key!
Alice: Uh, key? [To Fred] I believe you have that, Fred.
Fred: Damn it! How many guards do we have to circumvent to get to Nunpar?
Harvey: Gah! Good question, Private! There are at least half a dozen here. I don't really see us getting at him without a fight.
Dur: Well if we can't get to him, maybe we can lure him to us?
Alice: Maybe we could trick him into thinking he's a hooker!
Charlie: No, no! That's too complicated!
Alice: Maybe we could trick him into thinking that Dur is a hooker?
Dur: OR we could try to lure him out with a great big ruckus?
Alice: Good idea! Why don't you punch Fred on the nose?
Dur: [Acting on impulse he raises a fist, pointing it at Fred... but sudden= ly pauses as he takes in the size of the man.] Hey... I have a better idea.= YOU punch Fred in the nose!
Last from who Conor? Did I get a name change? :p
Alice: No, why don't YOU punch him? [Pushes Dur]
Sigh. That just shows my state of mind!
=0A=0AClint: Maybe if we keep on arguing like this, we'll make so much of a= scene that those guards get over here and we can push them ALL down the s= tairs?=0A=0A=0A=0A airs?
Rod: Hey! What's going in there? What are you doing? ing?=0A=0AClint: We're arguing about what that brown stain on the back of y= our pants is! =0A=0A;;; Of course, if Rod looks, Clint will toss him down = the stairs to join =0A;;; his friend. Maybe we can be civil about all of t= his!=0A=0A=0Ais!
Harvey : I say it's mud, but my companion believes it's something far more = disgusting, what! relandD
Rod: What? [Horrified] Where? [Turns to see]
And with that, we'll take a break -- sorry Colin, too many Americans!! Happy Thanksgiving, folks. We'll start up again on Monday.Have a good thanksgiving statesiders! And don't get mauled trying to pick u= p cheap tat on Black Friday! e disgusting, what!
Rod: What? [Horrified] Where? [Turns to see]
And with that, we'll take a break -- sorry Colin, too many Americans!! Happy Thanksgiving, folks. We'll start up again on Monday. relandD
[ROD realises that something is up.]
Rod: [Turns back] Hey! Are you guys up to something?
Serena: Yes, they most certainly are! Something most underhand!
Fred: Yes, we're trying to get past you HARMA guards with trickery and a side of violence. We've already thrown one of you down the stairs, just look! [Points to the stairs behind Rod.]
Naturally, if he looks, Fred will toss him down to join the other guard= .
Rod: What? I don't believe you! [Leans precariously forwards to look] Well, I don't see any- aaaah!
[FRED grabs him and sends him flying.]
Serena: Help! Help! They're attacking the Initiative!
Alice: Well, I don't remember that being part of the plan!
Harvey : [To Serena] Sister, what the blue blazes are you up to? Be quiet this moment!
Serena: How can I be quiet with this travesty going on? How can I stand idly by you and your filthy band of whores and barbarians [turns to Fred] and I mean that in the worst possible sense of the word! You cannot silence The Truth! [Starts to sing] Appraising Lace.... how sweet the stitch....
Heather's away until Thursday
Charlie: [To Harvey] Good lord, Colonel, I fear we are about to experience the backlash of attempting to have a fully paid up member of a religious organization in our group!
Harvey : I believe you are correct cadet! Phili forgive me for what I'm about to do! [Attempts to grab Serena and cover her mouth]
Serena: [Pushes Harvey away] Help! Help! My religious freedom and dedication to morality is being oppressed! Help! I think he's trying to have sex with me in public!
[The HARMA Initiates draw weapons and move towards the party.]
Charlie: We'd better withdraw, troop! [Turns and looks at where Rod and Barry were thrown] Oh dear, they're coming back up! ty.]
Fred: Damn it, woman! Join your new friends then! [Attempts to grab and throw Serena at the nearest HARMA Initiates.]
[SERENA tries to evade FRED, but falls backwards down the stairs, tripping up ROD and BARRY.]
Charlie: Quick! Back downstairs, group!
Alice: Hang on! I need to know who's which? I mean, I think it's pretty clear who the barbarians are, but the whores?
Fred: Indeed, she must have you confused with someone who allows lack of currency to inhibit her wanton promiscuousness.
Alice: [Looks Fred up and down for a good thirty seconds] Yeah! Damned straight she did!
Charlie: While it is, of course, illuminating and fascinating to discuss Alice's attitude towards the exchange of goods and services for various other, er, goods and services including but not limited to currency, I suggest we remove ourselves from the scene with all alacrity.
Alice: [Looks Charlie up and down for a good thirty seconds] Yeah!
Damned straight we should!
seconds] Yeah! Damned=0A> straight she did!=0A> =0A> Charlie: While it is,=
of course, illuminating and fascinating to=0A> discuss Alice's attitude to=
wards the exchange of goods and services=0A> for various other, er, goods a=
nd services including but not limited to=0A> currency, I suggest we remove =
ourselves from the scene with all=0A> alacrity.=0A> =0A> Alice: [Looks Char=
should!=0A=0AClint: Does this mean that public scandal involving HARMA is o=
ut of the question?=0A=0A=0A=0A
[The party charge down the stairs.]
Alice: Yes, but not public scandal involving us! Quick -- we need to
find somewhere to hide. Maybe one of these rooms?
Fred: Well, their security is scandalously poor. We would have gotten
in if one of our own had not betrayed us at a critical moment.
[The party charge down the stairs.]
Alice: Yes, but not public scandal involving us! Quick -- we need to find somewhere to hide. Maybe one of these rooms?
Fred: Well, their security is scandalously poor. We would have gotten in if one of our own had not betrayed us at a critical moment.
Dur: [Rolling his eyes] You'd be surprised at how often that happens.
I take it we lost Ellen?
Alice: [Still heading down the stairs] In fact, the only thing that surprises me is that it wasn't you who did it, Dur!
I'm afraid so! The good news is that we already have a new player lined up, coming in on Thursday. I wanted to see how crazy I could make Serena before someone rumbled it! the only thing that=0A> surprises me is that it wasn't you who did it, Dur!=
=0A=0AClint: Hey! When has the doc ever done that? Sure, he'd throw any o= f us over for a scrap of moldy bread, but moral outrage?=0A=0A=0A=0A
Dur: [Looks excited] Do you think they would give me a piece of moldy bread= for turning you lot in? =20 f us over for a scrap of moldy bread,
Alice: Well, maybe not moral outrage, but sure, he'd betray us. [Stops suddenly] Hey! We're already down to the second floor, where on earth can we hide? Where? Surely be to Phili there's one room, just one room in this awful, awful hotel that doesn't have the same crazed moral standards as HARMA?
[Enter CHIP MURPHY, staggering out of room 222. He looks very worse for wear, and his shirt is covered in puke.]
Alice: [Face lights up] Here's our boy! Let's just check. [To Spud] Excuse me, is that your puke all over your shirt?
Chip: Nae, not mine, hen. It belongs to some hooker who just bashed me on the head with her shoe.
Alice: [To the party] Room 222?
Fred: [Hopefully] Is the hooker still in there?
Chip: Sure, but she's pissed!
Fred: She's a hooker. Her emotional state is inconsequential. [To the rest] Free lodging and not-so-free sex? I'm going in! [Moves to enter Room 222] onsequential. [To the=0A> rest] Free lodging and not-so-free sex? I'm going= in! [Moves to enter=0A> Room 222]=0A=0AClint: Haw! This is my kind of hot= el! [Calls in.] Let us know when we can come in, Fred!=0A=0A=0A=0A we can come in, Fred!
Harvey : By the saints troop! We lose our religious representation for two seconds and already the troop is spiralling into a phase of moral depravity! [Looks up the corridor worriedly] Nothing for it troop, there's nowhere else to hide! Shoe beating prostitutes it is! [Enters the room] [FRED opens the door, and is confronted with such scenes of debauchery and depravity that the party can hear CLINT stifle a "Yay!". There is a big party going on, and, approaching the door is none other than SENOR RAUL PANTALONES, the biggest soap opera heart throb in the realms, who plays the main love interest in "Passions in the days of the lives of all my children who work at General Hospital as the world turns", or PITDOTLOALMWWAGHASTWT for short, which is an insanely popular show comprised of entirely unbelievable story lines. For example, Raul's character on the show -- DR. RAKE DRAMORE -- is a swashbuckling adventurer who is also a brain surgeon with a rock band. He is naked from the waist up, and, when he sees the party, gives them a cheesy grin that seems to sparkle, and points at them.]
Raul: Alright! They see a man leaving covered in hooker puke and come right in! You're my kind of people!
Alice: [Swooning] Oh! Mr. Senor Raul Pantalones! It's an honour!
Senor Raul Pantalones lones>
Fred: And this looks like my kind of party! Direct me to the wenches!
I'm afraid I'll be out the rest of the day. I have a 100% final exam tomorrow and am meeting a study group.
Harvey : I say, what a strange place to find a doctor, what! Dr Dramore, I very much enjoy your fly on the wall documentary!
Ramon: [Laughs loudly] Haw! I like you, sir! Care to snort some snakes feet off a prostitute's ass? [To Fred] They're over there, behind the goats.
Harvey : Thank you no, doctor. [Looks around the room] I say, I hope we're not going to be a part of your next episode?
Raul: [Roars with laughter again] Not a chance! You're not nearly attractive enough and certainly don't have a [flashes his devastating smile] devastating enough smile!
Harvey : [Laughs long and loud] That's fine! I just don't want to appear on telly dressed like this, what! What would my wife think!
Raul: She would say "What a lucky woman I am to have a husband who knows someone as famous Dr. Rake Dramore!" [Flashes a smile]
Charlie: [Watching Fred hunt a few goats out of the way to get at the hookers] Of course, I don't personally watch PITDOTLOALMWWAGHASTWT, but we would be most grateful if we could stay here for a while.
Raul: Sure, thing, Fraulein, at least, until the Federales come knocking the door down.
Dur: Oh? And how long will that be?
Harvey : No doubt to whisk you off to a medical emergency where you will brilliantly save the day, what! Like the time you saved that little greedy orphan who was choking on his second bowl of gruel! I tell you what, he should never have asked for more!
Raul: Well, if we lose any more of those goats, any minute now. [Claps Harvey on the back] Sure, but it wasn't the second bowl of gruel that choked him, but rather the razor blade that the evil orphanage owner put into it.
Harvey : Ha! Well, it's just as well you were there to help! So, how long have you been here?
Raul: [Surveys the wreckage of the room] About ten minutes!
Alice: Mr. Pantalones, I think you're just great!
Raul: [Points to door] Bedroom's that way, baby!
Harvey : [Laughs loudly] Ha sir, there is nothing wrong with my niece! No cause for a medical exam, what!
Raul: Excellent! So, who are you people hiding from?
Charlie: What - what on earth is that woman doing to that goat? This is just fascinating -- I'm horrified, but I need to record this and write it up as a journal paper.
Raul: [Checks out the freaky woman/goat combination] She's just plaiting his beard; Billy loves that. rom?=0A> =0A> Charlie: What - what on earth is that woman doing to that goa= t? This=0A> is just fascinating -- I'm horrified, but I need to record this= and=0A> write it up as a journal paper.=0A> =0A> Raul: [Checks out the fre= aky woman/goat combination] She's just=0A> plaiting his beard; Billy loves = that.=0A=0AClint: [Thinking hard.] Say, Dr. Dramore, how would you like to = do a political endorsement? =0A=0A=0A
Raul: Raul de Pantalones does not do political endorsements! [Thinks] Unless it's against those HARMA idiots. [Flashes his golden smile] ndorsements! [Thinks]=0A> Unless it's against those HARMA idiots. [Flashes = his golden smile]=0A=0AClint: [Eagerly.] That's it! When this party is ove= r, let's do it. Meanwhile... [grabs something alcoholic and masculine] it'= s party time!=0A=0A=0A;;; So I'm off for some interview stuff. Bleh.=0A=0A= =0A Meanwhile... [grabs something alcoholic and masculine] it's party time!
Harvey: Of course it is against HARMA! They have no love of the medical profession, what!
Raul: Then I shall do it! I shall stand up for our right to party with dignity!
[Just then, a goat wearing a tuxedo walks passed, just as CLINT grabs something drunk and masculine. Unfortunately, it's STAN TA, a scantily dressed man who's very drunk.]
Sorry, Tom, I had to!
Clint: Yikes! I was going for the woman behind you!
Stan Ta gnity! T /A>
Fred: [Heaves the woman onto his shoulder to accompany another giggling woman on his other shoulder.] Too slow, Clint!
Clint: Pf! I'll take this pile of hookers here, once I've snorted all the Parmesan off their naked buttocks.
[Just then, the door is kicked open. Enter TOMPARS and what looks like a hundred HARMA Initiates.]
Tompars: This party is OVER! t
Harvey : This isn't a party, we are filming an episode of Dr Dramore and The Animal Clinic!
Tompars: Shut your mouth, Fritz!
Remember, the party are still wearing their lederhosen disguises!
Fred: Why is the party over? I only just got here!
Tompars: Oh, so you admit that you were at a disgusting [looks around] goat and drunken Santa party, the day before the election?
Harvey : Nothing of the sort...Tommy! That man [gestures to Fred] is in character! s
Tompars: Sure he is.
[Suddenly a man pushes his way to the front. This is JOHN PRESSMAN, who is clearly a reporter.]
John: Ah! This must be the scandal I was sent to cover. Thank goodness that nice Serena lady sent me down here.
[Click! He gets a picture of FRED holding two hookers. Click! A photo of CLINT kicking away an angry STAN TA. Click! A photo of CHARLIE studying a hooker plaiting a goat's beard. Click! A photo of DUR eating something disgusting off the floor. Click! A photo of HARVEY standing suspiciously close to a half naked RAUL. Click! A photo of ALICE coming out of the bedroom wearing just her underwear.]
Alice: [Doing a pose for the photo] Uh, I was lead to believe that there was going to be crazy, kinky sex?
John Pressman A
Fred: [Shocked, to John Pressman] Hey, now you wait just a minute! I think I can add at least one more hooker, just a moment... ait just a minute! I=0A> think I can add at least one more hooker, just a m= oment...=0A=0AClint: [Swears under his breath.] Trust a nun to mix up a reh= earsal with a party! Nuns are evil, I tell you!=0A=0A=0A=0A
Harvey : [Theatrically, arms wide] Everything was going so well!!! But now you've ruined it!
Tompars: Good! Now, out of here, all of you, before I start cracking heads and taking names. [Turns to Billy, the goat that was having his hair plaited by a couple of hookers] And what would that be?
Billy Go= at
Charlie: Well said! [To the party] Group, let us depart at once!
[Exit the party, as TOMPARS and company clear the place up.]
Tompars: Right! Make sure to destroy all that cheese!
End of scene, next one coming right up .]
[Book VI, Act XII. Scene VI. Room 666. ALICE, CHARLIE, CLINT, DUR, FRED and HARVEY are here, all packed into one of the bedrooms, while ROGER, BETSY and SHELDON are in the other. The party eventually got back to the room after 2AM, and all went straight to sleep. It is now the next morning.]
Betsy: [Entering the room] Right! Wakey wakey wakey! The morning newspapers are just about to arrive -- I can't wait to see those scandalous pictures that you got!
Charlie: Yes, won't that be splendid! [To Sheldon, too casually] Just as matter of interest, what precisely were your other plans?
Sheldon: Our other plan was to cheat. To employ some lowlifes to stuff the ballot boxes.
Betsy: [Brightly] Or to get a celebrity to speak on our behalf! Everyone loves celebrities!
Charlie: Well, we have some simply marvelous news for you, then! Just to ensure the vote goes our way, we have also secured an incredible celebrity endorsement. [In a cheesy, huckster voice] Do we have any [pauses to build suspense] Senor Juan Pantalones fans in the reeeeeesidence?!
Harvey: I say, never heard of the cove. Sounds foreign, what! People are al= ways suspicious of foreigners! relandD
Fred: Hey, it's the guy that hosted that awesome party last night, right?
Sheldon: Well, actually, I think you'll find that his name is Senor [snotty emphasis] Raul Pantalones, if indeed you are referring to the star of the inexplicably popular soap opera "Passions in the days of the lives of all my children who work at General Hospital as the world turns". And really, do you think that such cheap hucksterism is likely to have any effect on the electorate?
Betsy: [Claps happily] Oh my god! PITDOTLOALMWWAGHASTWT is my favourite show!
Roger: [Shifts in his seat, for once looking slightly animated] Really? You have Raul Pantalones? Well, I think he's just great!
We have a new player on the list, that's Rob, who'll be starting this afternoon/tomorrow morning, so please make sure he's on the list for all mails from now on.
Charlie: [Triumphantly] Aha, you've proven my point! Here is a celebrity that not only needs no introduction, one can introduce him with the incorrect name and [huge excited emphasis] people still know precisely to whom one is referring! Think of the votes he'll earn for us!
Fred: Indeed, the plebeians will submit and kneel before the power of his chiseled torso, full hair and disarming smile, and victory will be ours!
Welcome to the show, Rob!
Harvey : Well, it's got to be better than that blasted policitcal pamphlet = you people tried giving away earlier!
Hello Rob, and welcome relandD
Dur: Better? BETTER? BETTER doesn't begin to describe the awesomeness of Se= nor Raul! I'll have you show the man proper respect colonel!
Betsy: [Dismayed] Hey! You clearly haven't seen the slimmed down, revised version! [Shows another book, which looks about two pages shorter than the initial one] We're calling it the pocket edition.
Sheldon: [Folding his arms, unimpressed at the party] Well, if you're just going to turn the election into a god-damned popularity contest...
Dur: [Finishing Sheldon's sentence for him] ... We might actually win?
Sheldon: [Haughtily] Possibly. [Starts writing some complex equations on a convenient white board] Let's see, if we factor in the popularity of that awful show, combine that with the scandal that's about to hit HARMA, then, yes, yes! [Excited] I predict that God Himself can't make us lose the election!
[There's a knock on the door, which BETSY answers. She comes back with a handful of newspapers.]
Roger: [Smiling] Well? What's the good news?
Betsy: Uh, I think you should take a look at this. [Holds up the newspaper]
[The headline says "Raul Pantalones in Goat-in-a-Bed shocker with Sanity Party Advisors", and, amongst the other shocking photos on the front are pictures of the party from last night, all looking unusually sleazy.]
Sheldon: [Turns back to the board and changes a plus to a minus] Correction. That should be "I predict that God Himself can't make us win this election!"]
Dur: [Looks thoughtful] Well there is only one person I know of that is bet= ter than God... and that is... [Poses heroically] SENOR RAUL PANTALONES! Ma= ybe we should go to him for help!
Betsy: What did you do? [Slaps Dur with a rolled up newspaper] Bad sleaze merchants! Bad! We can't possibly use him now!
Fred: Come now, you are overreacting. Celebrities get into this kind of trouble all the time. Almost no one has become famous except through some kind of scandal, usually involving cheese or adultery, often both. This will only make Raul Pantalones even more famous!
Betsy: [Turns to Fred, still wielding her newspaper] Sure it will, but famous for bringing down the Sanity Party!
Fred: [Triumphantly] And we can use that fame to win the election!
Charlie: Precisely! It's all too ingenious, really.
Harvey : Hmm. Lets just hope the press isn't in HARMAs pockets, and have pr= inted page after page of libelous lies, what! relandD HARMAs=0A> pockets, and have printed page after page of libelous lies,=0A> = what!=0A=0AClint: Hell, that's what the press does anyway! Anyway, we can = use this to our advantage, I tell you! [Looks expectantly at the thinkers = in the party.]=0A=0A=0A;;; Welcome Rob, and sorry all, but I'm off for a fa= culty interview and =0A;;; won't be back until the weekend. =0A=0A=0A = s to our advantage,
Alice: [Reading from the paper] Well, Harvey, it says here that Clint is the illegitimate love child of you and Charlie!
Charlie: [Attempts to snatch the paper] How absurd! Mr. Scar is at least a decade older than I am!
Fred: You haven't ever been involved in a confusing series of time travel, have you?
Harvey : [Takes a big drink of water before suddenly spitting it out] It sa= ys Clint is what!!! Preposterous! relandD
Alice: [Letting Charlie take the paper, as she dries her face] Fred! You just asked that question! [Mysteriously] Or haven't you asked it yet in your time?
Charlie: [Reading the paper] Why, this is absolutely filled with lies! [To Dur] Though this bit about you having a prehensile tail does have an air of authenticity. Could you confirm or deny? It would make for a positively fascinating study into early-stage evolution and primitive man!
Harvey : [Looking at the paper, gasps suddenly] Troop! It says here that th= ere's a three for the price of two breakfast offer on over at The Drunken C= laim! If we rush, we might just make it! relandD r
Alice: Please don't get him to take his pants off!
Sheldon: Please! Don't you think that your time would be better spent planning how to win us this election?
Fred: Well we can't plan on an empty stomach! To the Drunken Claim, I say!
Dur: Winning what election? Is that what we've been doing this whole time? = I thought we were trying to get Raul's autograph!
Alice: [Smugly, pointing at her (covered!) chest] Mission accomplished!
Betsy: Drunken Claim? You can't be serious! That's the busiest reporter bar in the whole city, you can't possibly expect to get in there, what with your pictures all over the papers, and warrants out for you for everything from lewd behaviour to cannibalism! Your only hope of surviving this day is to wait here until this evening and then stuff the ballot boxes tonight.
Charlie: [To Sheldon] Can you get a truckload of ballots for us to falsify?
Sheldon: Of course! We took the precaution of securing them before getting here. They are all hidden in our bedroom.
Charlie: Splendid! Now, those of us who are literate can get to work falsifying ballots. In the meantime, [to Dur] do fetch us some tea and keep it coming, and Mr. Scar can keep watch at the door. [To Alice, gently] Forgive me, but I should not assume! You are able to make an "X"? Or shall I give you another, less taxing, task?
Alice: Of course I can write X! [To Harvey] How do you spell X?
Charlie: [To Alice, brightly] Not to worry! We'll have you in charge of the cucumber sandwiches, instead.
Fred: And step on it, woman. I require sustenance!
Dur: But I wanna help stuff the ballots! And besides, you need all the help= you can get!
Alice: You want me to step on the sandwich? Well, we normally give those ones to Dur.
Sheldon: [Opens the other bedroom door, revealing thousands and thousands of ballot papers] Enjoy!
Fred: [To Alice] Yeah, you know, I never really understood that figure of speech myself. Forget what I said. All right then, let's get started on this![Cracks knuckles, puts on his reading glasses and begins to work on the ballot papers.]
Dur: Yay! Color time! [Grabs a pen and tries to write Raul's name on as man= y of the ballots as he can.]
Alice: [Exasperated] Dur! That's not how you spell Raul! It's R - O - W - U - L - E!
Charlie: No, no! R-A-U-L! Here, let me make a sample one for each of you to follow, just to be sure! [Draws up sample ballots for Alice and Dur] f
Fred: You're walking on pretty thin ice there, Charlie. Maybe they would fit better in the role of fetching food and stacking the papers neatly?
Dur: Don't you think we need all the help we can get at this point? [As he = writes in big black crayon, repeating each letter under his breath as he wr= ites.]
Alice: Oh please, what do you think we are? [Holds up a ballot with Raul written on it that has the R backwards.] Idiots?
Sheldon: [Peeking in to see how the party are getting on] Frankly, yes, given that Raul isn't even in the election!
Charlie: [Tries to crumple up the sample ballots] How COULD you make such a silly mistake?! Now we must work twice as quickly to accomplish our crime!
Fred: Ah right, we're voting for the Sanity Party. [Looks at Alice and Dur.] Er, just place an X in the appropriate box. Your literacy is sufficient, I presume?
[Time flies, and the party hardly notices the twelve hours that pass up until the close of polling. SHELDON, ROGER and BETSY are in and out all day, checking up on the party's spelling every so often.]
Roger: [Once the election is finished] Well, that was a disaster. I hope you're ready to start stuffing those ballot boxes. ours
Charlie: [Brightly] We are, indeed! Come along, group! Let us commit voter fraud! t
Colin's out today
Harvey: [Hefting up a big sack with "Fake Ballots" written on it] Come along, troop! Let's commit election fraud!
[The party, weighed down with the sacks, head downstairs, still wearing their cunning disguises. Rather conveniently, if not a little inexplicably, all the ballots are being stored in the hotel tonight, and the party follow the map provided to them by SHELDON. Soon they come to a door, standing outside of which is TOBIAS CRUESS.]
Tobias: Ah! More tourists! [Claps his hands together enthusiastically] How exciting it must be to have your humdrum little lives touched by something as wondrous as a real life election official!
Tobias Cruess l
Charlie: Delightful! Now, do excuse us while we go buy pencil sharpeners in the shape of a local landmark!
Tobias: [Listens intently, but shakes his head with a smile] No, sorry, I [slowly and loudly] don't know what language you're speaking.
Fred: Silly man, we're speaking the same language as you.
Tobias: Well, I know that! I just don't know what language [points at Charlie] she is speaking! [Loudly and slowly] We're in Dementia now. e we go buy pencil=0A> sharpeners in the shape of a local landmark!=0A=0ACl=
int: And after that, you can give some of us a tour of what an election off= icial does while the rest of us guard the ballots!=0A=0A=0A
Tobias: Oh, no need -- I can give the tour to all of you, [condescendingly slowly to Charlie] including your foreign friend [back to Clint] after all, there are already several people guarding the ballots, which is just as well, when you consider that gentleman who went in who asked if he could roll around naked on them.
Alice: [Horrified] On the guards?
Tobias: Oh no, nothing so weird. On the ballots. Don't worry, he had some friends who offered to guard them while he was doing it, you know, just in case of any [finger quotes] spoiled votes. ll of you,=0A> [condescendingly slowly to Charlie] including your foreign f= riend=0A> [back to Clint] after all, there are already several people guard= ing=0A> the ballots, which is just as well, when you consider that gentlema= n=0A> who went in who asked if he could roll around naked on them.=0A> =0A>=
Alice: [Horrified] On the guards?=0A> =0A> Tobias: Oh no, nothing so weird= . On the ballots. Don't worry, he had=0A> some friends who offered to guard= them while he was doing it, you=0A> know, just in case of any [finger quot= es] spoiled votes.=0A=0AClint: Oh realllly. Could you describe these guys?= =0A=0A=0A=0A
Tobias: They were ever so handsome, and the naked one, well, I don't mind telling you, he had the biggest todger I've ever seen! d one, well, I don't=0A> mind telling you, he had the biggest todger I've e= ver seen!=0A=0AClint: [Nods understandingly.] It must be one of those time = loop things, where for some reason you're seeing the future and I'm gonna b= e naked.=0A=0A=0A=0A
Tobias: Well, there's only one way to be sure!
Harvey : By the saints, there are some things on this earth which should remain an unknown entity, and that is one of them what!
Alice: [Nods vigorously] Especially after we just ate!
Charlie: Yes, well, these comically over-sized inflatable novelty fingers indicating the supremacy of one landmark compared to another will not just buy themselves! We must be off, group!
Tobias: [Frowns at Charlie] Sorry, dear, I'm just not getting you. You're in our country now, you need to speak-a our-a language-a.
Alice: She said these comically over-sized inflatable novelty fingers indicating the supremacy of one landmark compared to another will not just buy themselves! We must be off, group!
Tobias: Oh? Well, I didn't get that at all. Don't you want to see the ballots first?
Harvey : Well, if you're going to insist! Our foreign guest would hate to insult the host! Lead on, good fellow, lead on!
Tobias: Oh no, I need to stay here -- it's part of the Election Officials' Oath. [Opens the door] Off you go.
[TOBIAS holds the door open, and the party enter.]
End of scene next one coming right up
[Book VI, Act XII, Scene VII. The Ballot Room. ALICE, CHARLIE, CLINT, DUR, FRED and HARVEY are here, sneaking along.]
Alice: [Whispering to the party] Someone else is in here? Naked? With a big lad? What the hell is going on?
Fred: Well if there is someone naked here it's your job, Alice, to distract them. That is your specialty, yes?
Alice: No, my specialty is getting them naked in the first place. If you want to have an unwelcome distraction you should probably talk to Charlie.
Fred: Fair enough. Do any of you see where we are supposed to stuff these ballot papers?
Alice: It looks like there's a bunch of boxes over there.
[The party inch closer, and can hear some voices, but can't make out what they're saying.]
Dur: [Embarrassed, Dur pulls some of the ballots from his pants.] I thought= that was what we meant by stuffing the boxes....
Alice: Ew! Dur! Someone will have to count that!
[The voices stop.]
Voice1: There's someone there.
Voice2: I'll check it out.
[Enter LEVITICUS, walking into sight. He is completely naked.]
Leviticus: [Spots the party] Hey, it's those idiots from Queens View! They look like they're dressed as spies or something.
The party met Leviticus and several other Custos-Clementines back in Book VI, Act IV, and on several occasions since. They clearly are enemies of the Clementines and their motives are unclear. Rather surprisingly, they appeared to be supporting the Moustache Party when the party last met them.
Charlie: [Shields her eyes] Do cover yourself, and kindly tell us why you are here!
Leviticus: Sure, no problem. We're here stuffing ballot boxes. [Looks at the bags and bags of ballots that the party have, that are overflowing] What are you here for?
Charlie: But [huge, exasperated emphasis] we're here stuffing ballot boxes! [Hopefully] Who are you backing? Perhaps we can combine our fraudulent votes to form an impenetrable block?
Leviticus: [Holds up a ballot clearly marked for Roger, of the Sanity Party] Down with HARMA. Unfortunately, we're just going to kill you and take your ballots.
Charlie: Oh, dear. Perhaps he isn't the sane choice, after all! [To the party] Well, I suppose we'd better surrender [abruptly throws a bag of ballots at Leviticus and makes a break for it] RUN, group, RUN!
[Enter GALAVAN DE GUISTRAN, a well dressed musketeer type, whistling a merry tune and carrying a flaming torch.]
Alice: [Looks at Galavan] Another Custos-Clementine?
Galavan De Gui= stran uistran
Fred: Oh come on, how many people are sneaking around trying to overturn the election?! And why do they have to, if everyone despises HARMA? I tire of these logical fallacies! ID4+IFtFbnRlciBHQUxBVkFOIERFIEdVSVNUUkFOLCBhIHdlbGwgPj5kcmVzc2VkIG11c2tldGVl ciB0eXBlLA0KPj53aGlzdGxpbmcgYSBtZXJyeSB0dW5lIGFuZCBjYXJyeWluZyBhID4+ZmxhbWlu ZyB0b3JjaC5dDQoNCj5BbGljZTogW0xvb2tzIGF0IEdhbGF2YW5dIEFub3RoZXIgQ3VzdG9zLT5D bGVtZW50aW5lPw0KDQpHYWxhdmFuIFtsb29rcyBhcm91bmQgYXQgdGhlIGFzc2VtYmxlZCBwYXJ0 aWVzLCBpbmNsdWRpbmcgdGhlIG5ha2VkIG1hbiwgdGhlIHR1cm5zIHRvIEFsaWNlXS4gV2hvPyAg W0dhbGF2YW4gcHJvY2VkZXMgdG8gcG91ciBvaWwgb3ZlciB0aGUgYmFsbG90IGJveGVzLCBhdHRl bXB0aW5nIHRvIHNwbGFzaCBzb21lIG9uIHRoZSBiYWxsb3RzIGluIGhhbmRdDQoNCj4+Pj4+SSBh cG9sb2dpemUgZm9yIHRoZSBjaGFuZ2UgaW4gZm9ybWF0IGFzIEkgYW0gc2VuZGluZyB0aGlzIG9u IG15IEJsYWNrYmVycnkgYW5kIGl0J3Mgbm90IGxldHRpbmcgbWUgbWFrZSBjaGFuZ2VzLiAgU29y cnkgZm9yIHRoZSBjb25mdXNpb24gKEkgd2lsbCBhdHRlbXB0IHRvIHJlbWVkeSB0aGlzIGxhdGVy IHdoZW4gSSdtIG5vdCBpbiBjbGFzcykuDQotLS0tLS1PcmlnaW5hbCBNZXNzYWdlLS0tLS0tDQpG cm9tOiBDb25vciBSeWFuDQpUbzogSGVhdGhlcg0KQ2M6IERheSwgS2V2aW4gUi4gKExhcyBDb2xp bmFzKSBOQQ0KQ2M6IFZhbHVyIFNpZ3Vy8GFyc29uDQpDYzogQ29saW4gRGluYW4NCkNjOiBUb20g SGVuZGVyc29uDQpDYzogQ29saW4gRGluYW4NCkNjOiBSb2IgRGFobGluZw0KQ2M6IHF2YmxvZ2dl ckBnbWFpbC5jb20NClN1YmplY3Q6IFtxdl0gMTIuMDcuMDEzDQpTZW50OiBEZWMgOCwgMjAwOSAx NTozOA0KDQpMYXN0IGZyb20gSGVhdGhlciAjMTINCg0KDQo+Pg0KPiBDaGFybGllOiBPaCwgZGVh ci4goFBlcmhhcHMgaGUgaXNuJ3QgdGhlIHNhbmUgY2hvaWNlLCBhZnRlciBhbGwhIKBbVG8NCj4g dGhlIHBhcnR5XSBXZWxsLCBJIHN1cHBvc2Ugd2UnZCBiZXR0ZXIgc3VycmVuZGVyIFthYnJ1cHRs eSB0aHJvd3MgYQ0KPiBiYWcgb2YgYmFsbG90cyBhdCBMZXZpdGljdXMgYW5kIG1ha2VzIGEgYnJl YWsgZm9yIGl0XSBSVU4sIGdyb3VwLCBSVU4hDQo+DQoNCiAgICAgIFtFbnRlciBHQUxBVkFOIERF IEdVSVNUUkFOLCBhIHdlbGwgZHJlc3NlZCBtdXNrZXRlZXIgdHlwZSwNCndoaXN0bGluZyBhIG1l cnJ5IHR1bmUgYW5kIGNhcnJ5aW5nIGEgZmxhbWluZyB0b3JjaC5dDQoNCkFsaWNlOiBbTG9va3Mg YXQgR2FsYXZhbl0gQW5vdGhlciBDdXN0b3MtQ2xlbWVudGluZT8NCg0KPFA+PEEgaHJlZj1odHRw Oi8vcXVlZW5zLXZpZXcuY29tL2Nhc3QucGhwP3F1ZXJ5PUdhbGF2YW4+R2FsYXZhbiBEZSBHdWlz dHJhbjwvQT4NCg0KDQpTZW50IGZyb20gbXkgQmxhY2tCZXJyea4gd2lyZWxlc3MgZGV2aWNl
Alice: [To Charlie] Running's a good idea, will we go through this guy? [Points at Galavan]
[Enter GENESIS and EXODUS, two other Custos-Clementines that nearly killed the party the last time they met. GENESIS is reading a "Garfried the cat" comic book, while EXODUS comes up from behind Galavan.]
Genesis: [Chuckling to himself] Oh, Garfried, you are one crazy lasagne eating cat. [Looks up] Come on, let's kill them! s that the turns to Alice]. splash some on the
Alice: [To Galavan] Well, Mr. Who, you better get the hell out of here! TGFzdCBmcm9tIENvbm9yOg0KDQo+QWxpY2U6IFtUbyBHYWxhdmFuXSBXZWxsLCBNci4gV2hvLCB5 b3UgPmJldHRlciBnZXQgdGhlIGhlbGwgb3V0IG9mIGhlcmUhDQoNCkdhbGF2YW46IFt3YXZlcyB0 aGUgdG9yY2ggYW5kIG9pbCBhdCBBbGljZV0uICBNb21lbnRhcmlseSBkZWFyLi4ubWVuIGFyZSB3 b3JraW5nIGhlcmUuDQoNCi0tLS0tLU9yaWdpbmFsIE1lc3NhZ2UtLS0tLS0NCkZyb206IENvbm9y IFJ5YW4NClRvOiBWYWx1ciBTaWd1cvBhcnNvbg0KQ2M6IEhlYXRoZXINCkNjOiBEYXksIEtldmlu IFIuIChMYXMgQ29saW5hcykgTkENCkNjOiBDb2xpbiBEaW5hbg0KQ2M6IFRvbSBIZW5kZXJzb24N CkNjOiBDb2xpbiBEaW5hbg0KQ2M6IFJvYiBEYWhsaW5nDQpDYzogcXZibG9nZ2VyQGdtYWlsLmNv bQ0KU3ViamVjdDogW3F2XSAxMi4wNy4wMTYNClNlbnQ6IERlYyA4LCAyMDA5IDE1OjUwDQoNCkxh c3QgZnJvbSBtZSBhbmQgUm9iICMxNSBhbmQgIzEzDQoNCj4NCj4gQWxpY2U6IFtUbyBDaGFybGll XSBSdW5uaW5nJ3MgYSBnb29kIGlkZWEsIHdpbGwgd2UgZ28gdGhyb3VnaCB0aGlzDQo+IGd1eT8g W1BvaW50cyBhdCBHYWxhdmFuXQ0KPg0KPiCgIKAgoCCgIKBbRW50ZXIgR0VORVNJUyBhbmQgRVhP RFVTLCB0d28gb3RoZXIgQ3VzdG9zLUNsZW1lbnRpbmVzIHRoYXQNCj4gbmVhcmx5IGtpbGxlZCB0 aGUgcGFydHkgdGhlIGxhc3QgdGltZSB0aGV5IG1ldC4gR0VORVNJUyBpcyByZWFkaW5nIGENCj4g IkdhcmZyaWVkIHRoZSBjYXQiIGNvbWljIGJvb2ssIHdoaWxlIEVYT0RVUyBjb21lcyB1cCBmcm9t IGJlaGluZA0KPiBHYWxhdmFuLl0NCj4NCj4gR2VuZXNpczogW0NodWNrbGluZyB0byBoaW1zZWxm XSBPaCwgR2FyZnJpZWQsIHlvdSBhcmUgb25lIGNyYXp5DQo+IGxhc2FnbmUgZWF0aW5nIGNhdC4g W0xvb2tzIHVwXSBDb21lIG9uLCBsZXQncyBraWxsIHRoZW0hDQo+DQo+IEdhbGF2YW4gW2xvb2tz IGFyb3VuZCBhdCB0aGUgYXNzZW1ibGVkIHBhcnRpZXMsIGluY2x1ZGluZyB0aGUgbmFrZWQgbWFu LCB0aGUgdHVybnMgdG8gQWxpY2VdLg0KPiBXaG8/ICBbR2FsYXZhbiBwcm9jZWRlcyB0byBwb3Vy IG9pbCBvdmVyIHRoZSBiYWxsb3QgYm94ZXMsIGF0dGVtcHRpbmcgdG8gc3BsYXNoIHNvbWUgb24g dGhlDQo+IGJhbGxvdHMgaW4gaGFuZF0NCg0KQWxpY2U6IFtUbyBHYWxhdmFuXSBXZWxsLCBNci4g V2hvLCB5b3UgYmV0dGVyIGdldCB0aGUgaGVsbCBvdXQgb2YgaGVyZSENCg0KDQpTZW50IGZyb20g bXkgQmxhY2tCZXJyea4gd2lyZWxlc3MgZGV2aWNl e working here.
[GALAVAN sets fire to some of the ballots, but then gets punched hard in the face by LEVITICUS, and is sent reeling to the floor, oil going one way and torch another.]
Alice: I don't know, but working seems to resemble lying down a lot. ed
Fred: I can't help noticing that events are deviating dramatically from our plan. Since when were we going to set fire to the ballots?
Alice: I don't think we are -- it's Mr. Who here that's doing that.
[EXODUS draws his sword and swings at CLINT, knocking him to the ground beside GALAVAN.]
Lose 28hp Clint
Alice: Uh, Charlie, what was your idea again? he
Charlie: RUN! And do listen this time, group! Really, must I keep repeating myself? Time is of the essence! TGFzdCBmcm9tIGNvbm9yICMyMA0KDQo+QWxpY2U6IFVoLCBDaGFybGllLCB3aGF0IHdhcyB5b3Vy IGlkZWEgPmFnYWluPw0KDQpbQXR0ZW1wdHMgdG8ga2ljayBMZXYgaW4gdGhlIGJhbGxzIGZyb20g aGlzIHByb25lIHBvc2l0aW9uXS4gSWYgeW91ciBnb2luZyB0byBkYW5nbGUgYSBwdW5jaGluZyBi YWcsIGV4cGVjdCBzb21lb25lIHRvIGdvIGEgcm91bmQgd2l0aCBpdC4gW1dpbGwgYXR0ZW1wdCB0 byBnZXQgdXAsIGRyYXdpbmcgaGlzIHJhcGllciBhZnRlcl0NCi0tLS0tLU9yaWdpbmFsIE1lc3Nh Z2UtLS0tLS0NCkZyb206IENvbm9yIFJ5YW4NClRvOiBWYWx1ciBTaWd1cvBhcnNvbg0KQ2M6IGRh c2hicmFuYWdoYW5AZ21haWwuY29tDQpDYzogSGVhdGhlcg0KQ2M6IERheSwgS2V2aW4gUi4gKExh cyBDb2xpbmFzKSBOQQ0KQ2M6IENvbGluIERpbmFuDQpDYzogVG9tIEhlbmRlcnNvbg0KQ2M6IENv bGluIERpbmFuDQpDYzogcXZibG9nZ2VyQGdtYWlsLmNvbQ0KU3ViamVjdDogW3F2XSAxMi4wNy4w MjANClNlbnQ6IERlYyA4LCAyMDA5IDE2OjAxDQoNCkxhc3QgZnJvbSBWYWx1ciAjMTkNCg0KPg0K PiBGcmVkOiBJIGNhbid0IGhlbHAgbm90aWNpbmcgdGhhdCBldmVudHMgYXJlIGRldmlhdGluZyBk cmFtYXRpY2FsbHkNCj4gZnJvbSBvdXIgcGxhbi4gU2luY2Ugd2hlbiB3ZXJlIHdlIGdvaW5nIHRv IHNldCBmaXJlIHRvIHRoZSBiYWxsb3RzPw0KPg0KDQpBbGljZTogSSBkb24ndCB0aGluayB3ZSBh cmUgLS0gaXQncyBNci4gV2hvIGhlcmUgdGhhdCdzIGRvaW5nIHRoYXQuDQoNCiAgICAgIFtFWE9E VVMgZHJhd3MgaGlzIHN3b3JkIGFuZCBzd2luZ3MgYXQgQ0xJTlQsIGtub2NraW5nIGhpbSB0byB0 aGUNCmdyb3VuZCBiZXNpZGUgR0FMQVZBTi5dDQoNCjs7OyBMb3NlIDI4aHAgQ2xpbnQNCg0KQWxp Y2U6IFVoLCBDaGFybGllLCB3aGF0IHdhcyB5b3VyIGlkZWEgYWdhaW4/DQoNCg0KU2VudCBmcm9t IG15IEJsYWNrQmVycnmuIHdpcmVsZXNzIGRldmljZQ== g to dangle a punching bag, s rapier after]
Alice: You don't have to tell me twice, Charlie! [Thinks] Oh, maybe you do. [Turns to find Exodus blocking the door] Hm. Well, that's inconvenient. [Immediately slips in some oil and falls] Ow!
[GALAVAN tries to kick LEVITICUS, who catches his foot and twists it, breaking it with an audible and painful crack.]
Lose 20hp, Galavan
Alice: [Looks over] What about Mr. Who? Should we help him?
Charlie: Well, he does appear to be on the side of good, though I don't approve of callous destruction of ballots. [Attempts to aid Galavan in attacking Leviticus]
Fred: THAT IS IT! I HAVE HAD ENOUGH OF THESE GODSDAMNED RANDOM PEOPLE RUINING OUR GODSDAMNED PLANS!! [Throws his ballot bag at Exodus, draws his greataxe and charges Exodus.] I!! AM!! GOREBLOOD!!!TGFzdCBmcm9tIEhlYXRoZXIuDQoNCj5DaGFybGllOiBXZWxsLCBoZSBkb2VzIGFwcGVhciB0byBi ZSBvbiB0aGUgPnNpZGUgb2YgZ29vZCwgdGhvdWdoIEkNCj5kb24ndCBhcHByb3ZlIG9mIGNhbGxv dXMgZGVzdHJ1Y3Rpb24gb2YgPmJhbGxvdHMuICBbQXR0ZW1wdHMgdG8gYWlkDQo+R2FsYXZhbiBp biBhdHRhY2tpbmcgTGV2aXRpY3VzXQ0KDQpHYWxhdmFuOiBbZ3J1bnRpbmcgaW4gcGFpbiwgd2ls bCB1c2UgaGlzIG9uZSBnb29kIHJlbWFpbmluZyBmb290IHRvIGZpbmlzaCB0aGUgam9iIG9mIHRo ZSBmaXJzdF0NCg0KR2FsYXZhbjogW3RvIENoYXJsaWVdIEkgc2VlIHRoZSBkZXN0cnVjdGlvbiBv ZiBhbnkgYmFsbG90IGNhc3QgZm9yIEhBUk1BIHRvIGJlIGFuIGFjdCBvZiB1dG1vc3QgZ29vZC4N Ci0tLS0tLU9yaWdpbmFsIE1lc3NhZ2UtLS0tLS0NCkZyb206IEhlYXRoZXINClRvOiBDb25vciBS eWFuDQpDYzogVmFsdXIgU2lndXLwYXJzb24NCkNjOiBkYXNoYnJhbmFnaGFuQGdtYWlsLmNvbQ0K Q2M6IERheSwgS2V2aW4gUi4gKExhcyBDb2xpbmFzKSBOQQ0KQ2M6IENvbGluIERpbmFuDQpDYzog VG9tIEhlbmRlcnNvbg0KQ2M6IENvbGluIERpbmFuDQpDYzogcXZibG9nZ2VyQGdtYWlsLmNvbQ0K U3ViamVjdDogW3F2XSAxMi4wNy4wMjMNClNlbnQ6IERlYyA4LCAyMDA5IDE2OjEzDQoNCj4gTGFz dCBmcm9tIENvbm9yICMyMg0KPg0KPiBBbGljZTogWW91IGRvbid0IGhhdmUgdG8gdGVsbCBtZSB0 d2ljZSwgQ2hhcmxpZSEgW1RoaW5rc10gT2gsIG1heWJlDQo+IHlvdSBkby4gW1R1cm5zIHRvIGZp bmQgRXhvZHVzIGJsb2NraW5nIHRoZSBkb29yXSBIbS4gV2VsbCwgdGhhdCdzDQo+IGluY29udmVu aWVudC4gW0ltbWVkaWF0ZWx5IHNsaXBzIGluIHNvbWUgb2lsIGFuZCBmYWxsc10gT3chDQo+DQo+ IKAgoCCgIFtHQUxBVkFOIHRyaWVzIHRvIGtpY2sgTEVWSVRJQ1VTLCB3aG8gY2F0Y2hlcyBoaXMg Zm9vdCBhbmQNCj4gdHdpc3RzIGl0LCBicmVha2luZyBpdCB3aXRoIGFuIGF1ZGlibGUgYW5kIHBh aW5mdWwgY3JhY2suXQ0KPg0KPiA7OzsgTG9zZSAyMGhwLCBHYWxhdmFuDQo+DQo+IEFsaWNlOiBb TG9va3Mgb3Zlcl0gV2hhdCBhYm91dCBNci4gV2hvPyBTaG91bGQgd2UgaGVscCBoaW0/DQo+DQpD aGFybGllOiBXZWxsLCBoZSBkb2VzIGFwcGVhciB0byBiZSBvbiB0aGUgc2lkZSBvZiBnb29kLCB0 aG91Z2ggSQ0KZG9uJ3QgYXBwcm92ZSBvZiBjYWxsb3VzIGRlc3RydWN0aW9uIG9mIGJhbGxvdHMu ICBbQXR0ZW1wdHMgdG8gYWlkDQpHYWxhdmFuIGluIGF0dGFja2luZyBMZXZpdGljdXNdDQoNCg0K U2VudCBmcm9tIG15IEJsYWNrQmVycnmuIHdpcmVsZXNzIGRldmljZQ== his one good remaining=0A> foot to finish the job of the first]=0A> =0A> G=
alavan: [to Charlie] I see the destruction of any ballot=0A> cast for HARMA= to be an act of utmost good.=0A>=0A> Fred: THAT IS IT! I HAVE HAD ENOUGH O= F THESE GODSDAMNED RANDOM PEOPLE=0A> RUINING OUR GODSDAMNED PLANS!! [Throws= his ballot bag at Exodus, draws=0A> his greataxe and charges Exodus.] I!! = AM!! GOREBLOOD!!!=0A=0AClint: [Gets to his feet.] That's nice. [Turns for = the door.] And we are out of here! [Pushes the party through the door so h= e and Fred an do some sort of heroic "covering the party's retreat for a fe= w minute before running like hell" routine.]=0A=0A=0A=0Aout of here! [Pushes the party through >the door so he and Fred an do some= sort of heroic "covering the party's retreat for a few minute before >runn= ing like hell" routine.]
Harvey : Come on troop, let us be on the off with Mr Who, before this whole= place goes up, what! relandD TGFzdCBmcm9tIEhlYXRoZXIuDQoNCj5DaGFybGllOiBXZWxsLCBoZSBkb2VzIGFwcGVhciB0byBi ZSBvbiB0aGUgPnNpZGUgb2YgZ29vZCwgdGhvdWdoIEkNCj5kb24ndCBhcHByb3ZlIG9mIGNhbGxv dXMgZGVzdHJ1Y3Rpb24gb2YgPmJhbGxvdHMuICBbQXR0ZW1wdHMgdG8gYWlkDQo+R2FsYXZhbiBp biBhdHRhY2tpbmcgTGV2aXRpY3VzXQ0KDQpHYWxhdmFuOiBbZ3J1bnRpbmcgaW4gcGFpbiwgd2ls bCB1c2UgaGlzIG9uZSBnb29kIHJlbWFpbmluZyBmb290IHRvIGZpbmlzaCB0aGUgam9iIG9mIHRo ZSBmaXJzdF0NCg0KR2FsYXZhbjogW3RvIENoYXJsaWVdIEkgc2VlIHRoZSBkZXN0cnVjdGlvbiBv ZiBhbnkgYmFsbG90IGNhc3QgZm9yIEhBUk1BIHRvIGJlIGFuIGFjdCBvZiB1dG1vc3QgZ29vZC4N Ci0tLS0tLU9yaWdpbmFsIE1lc3NhZ2UtLS0tLS0NCkZyb206IEhlYXRoZXINClRvOiBDb25vciBS eWFuDQpDYzogVmFsdXIgU2lndXLwYXJzb24NCkNjOiBkYXNoYnJhbmFnaGFuQGdtYWlsLmNvbQ0K Q2M6IERheSwgS2V2aW4gUi4gKExhcyBDb2xpbmFzKSBOQQ0KQ2M6IENvbGluIERpbmFuDQpDYzog VG9tIEhlbmRlcnNvbg0KQ2M6IENvbGluIERpbmFuDQpDYzogcXZibG9nZ2VyQGdtYWlsLmNvbQ0K U3ViamVjdDogW3F2XSAxMi4wNy4wMjMNClNlbnQ6IERlYyA4LCAyMDA5IDE2OjEzDQoNCj4gTGFz dCBmcm9tIENvbm9yICMyMg0KPg0KPiBBbGljZTogWW91IGRvbid0IGhhdmUgdG8gdGVsbCBtZSB0 d2ljZSwgQ2hhcmxpZSEgW1RoaW5rc10gT2gsIG1heWJlDQo+IHlvdSBkby4gW1R1cm5zIHRvIGZp bmQgRXhvZHVzIGJsb2NraW5nIHRoZSBkb29yXSBIbS4gV2VsbCwgdGhhdCdzDQo+IGluY29udmVu aWVudC4gW0ltbWVkaWF0ZWx5IHNsaXBzIGluIHNvbWUgb2lsIGFuZCBmYWxsc10gT3chDQo+DQo+ IKAgoCCgIFtHQUxBVkFOIHRyaWVzIHRvIGtpY2sgTEVWSVRJQ1VTLCB3aG8gY2F0Y2hlcyBoaXMg Zm9vdCBhbmQNCj4gdHdpc3RzIGl0LCBicmVha2luZyBpdCB3aXRoIGFuIGF1ZGlibGUgYW5kIHBh aW5mdWwgY3JhY2suXQ0KPg0KPiA7OzsgTG9zZSAyMGhwLCBHYWxhdmFuDQo+DQo+IEFsaWNlOiBb TG9va3Mgb3Zlcl0gV2hhdCBhYm91dCBNci4gV2hvPyBTaG91bGQgd2UgaGVscCBoaW0/DQo+DQpD aGFybGllOiBXZWxsLCBoZSBkb2VzIGFwcGVhciB0byBiZSBvbiB0aGUgc2lkZSBvZiBnb29kLCB0 aG91Z2ggSQ0KZG9uJ3QgYXBwcm92ZSBvZiBjYWxsb3VzIGRlc3RydWN0aW9uIG9mIGJhbGxvdHMu ICBbQXR0ZW1wdHMgdG8gYWlkDQpHYWxhdmFuIGluIGF0dGFja2luZyBMZXZpdGljdXNdDQoNCg0K U2VudCBmcm9tIG15IEJsYWNrQmVycnmuIHdpcmVsZXNzIGRldmljZQ==
[GALAVAN kicks his way free from LEVITICUS, but is clearly prone. Meanwhile, HARVEY, ALICE and CHARLIE grab him, while CLINT and FRED attack EXODUS. DUR appears to be pretending not to notice the melee. Both FRED and CLINT swing at EXODUS, but he parries both blows.]
Alice: [As Genesis moves towards them] Holy crap -- we're hemmed in! ... [Shrugs.]=0A=0A=0A=0A
Harvey : [Attempts a flying kick at Leviticus] Have at you, cad! relandD
Harvey : [Angrily to Galavan] She is Alice Bassett Short, sir! And show som= e respect, what! relandD h... getaway driver slash walking distraction! [Tries a hopeful tackle to= knock one of the Pentateuch through the nearest wall and with any luck out= the window.]=0A=0A=0A=0A way driver the ] ow ght be a he
Alice: This guy's an ass. [Lets go of Galavan]
[Just to be clear on the layout. EXODUS is blocking the exit, holding back FRED and CLINT, while GENESIS is closing in from the other side, sword drawn. The still naked LEVITICUS has been pushed back from GALAVAN, who is being carried by HARVEY, CHARLIE and, until a few seconds ago, ALICE, as his ankle is broken. Unfortunately, the flask of oil is out of reach of everyone.]
Genesis: Oh no! Our heroes are surrounded! it,
Charlie: [To Dur] Do TRY and be of some use and fetch the flask of oil! [Leaves Harvey to shoulder Galavan, picks up a ballot box and charges Leviticus, bellowing] For democracy!
Charlie will aim for Leviticus's, er, most sensitive exposed area. Don't make me say it.
[CHARLIE grabs the box and makes the charge, causing LEVITICUS's most sensitive exposed area to impale the box through the opening for putting in the votes. It doesn't seem to hurt him, but does make him stagger back momentarily.]
Leviticus: [Maintaining his balance, with the ballot box now hanging off him] Hey, it's a dick in a ballot box!
Alice: [To Galavan] What other weapons have you got, Mr. Who? aw ng
Alice: Yeesh, now I hope they do kill us, so we don't have to listen to this idiot any longer! de us] I'm f
Alice: I don't care how many men will be broken hearted if something happened to you, but we're all going to die unless we have a way of getting the hell out of here right away. n a , but you
Charlie: [Spotting the orb] How fortunate! No doubt Miss Bassett-Short would be most eager to join your [finger quotes] little club [casts a wry glance at Galavan's crotch] if only you'll assist us in escaping this rather dire situation! to
Charlie: [Cheerily] Drunkenness it is! [To the party] Gather close, group. [Claps her hands] Chop-chop!
Alice: That's okay, Mr. Who, I don't need to see your little club.
[FRED, CLINT and DUR all move towards GALAVAN and the others, so everyone is fairly close now.]good
Alice: You confuse me with someone who cares, Mr. Who. And honestly, we don't mind if your little club is tiny.
[The orb lands and bursts into a shimmering circle of light on the floor, into which everyone quickly steps.]
Leviticus: How about that? They escaped. [Shrugs] Oh well, it's not like hell on earth is about to happen anyway.
Genesis: [Takes out his comic book] At least we get to fix the election in peace. [Starts reading and laughs out loud] Look at this! Garfried has just bought a top hat, so he can get served in the best lasagne restaurant in town!
Exodus: [To Leviticus] Come here, sexy. [Gives Leviticus a passionate kiss, which is returned]
End of scene, next one coming right up
[Book VI, Act XII, Scene VII. A hotel room. ALICE, CHARLIE, CLINT, DUR, FRED, GALAVAN and HARVEY have all just appeared, much to the surprise of the woman in bed here. This is MARY MUDD, and she is not happy.]
Mary: [Screams] Help! Help!
Dur: [Automatically gets defensive] I swear I didn't touch her!
Alice: Are you sure? Her face looks filthy!
Fred: [To Mary] Stop wailing woman! We are not here to ravage you! No, really!
Mary: It's not mud, it's a skin condition! What the hell are you doing in my room? [Loudly] Help! Help!
[The sound of a toilet flushing comes from the (closed) bathroom.]
Mary: That's my husband. Once he's washed his hands, he'll come running to my aid, and then you'll be sorry.
Alice: [To the party, looking ill] A skin condition? Ew, I think I'm already sorry! throom.]
Charlie: [To Mary] Do calm down! We've just been transported here quite by accident, and we have no intention of troubling you one minute longer. [To the party, moving toward the nearest exit] Group, let us be off and leave these hideous people in peace! [Enter JOHN MUDD, from the bathroom, looking worried.]
John: Mary! What happened? [Looks at the party, startled] Who are these peo= ple?
John Mudd= eople? dd
Fred: I am Frederick Hrothgar Goreblood, these are my companions and you should be asking us to leave, but we shall do so anyway. [Pauses for a moment] Er, that is, if you can inform us of where we currently are.
John: You're in our bedroom! Room 444 of the Drump Towers Hotel. [Thinks for a moment] I think you should -- uh, what was I supposed to say again?
This is the same hotel that the party have a room in (room 666)
Fred: Stay? No thank you, we really have to get going. [Moves towards the exit.]
John: Hey! Get the hell out of my room!
Dur: [Also moving towards the door] Actually the room belongs to the Hotel,= not you. Make sure to fill out the comment cards!
nt: Okay, okay! You don't have to tell us three times...=0A=0A=0A
Mary: [Whispers to John] I think they're still here!
Harvey : Indeed we are, but not for much longer!
Sorry for my absense, manic day! relandD think they're still here!=0A=0AClint: Okay, maybe you do! [Peers through t= he door and, if the coast is clear, makes good his escape.]=0A=0A=0A=0A = s clear, makes good his [The door opens with an audible creeeeak, but the hallway is completely empty.]
Alice: [Peeks out too] Looks like the coast is clear.
Charlie: Marvelous! We'll be on our way, then!
[The party head out, with HARVEY and CLINT holding up GALAVAN between them.]
Alice: Well, I suppose we better head back to ol' 666? What the hell were the Custos-Clementines doing there? Who on earth would have thought that they would be supporting HARMA?
Charlie: Yes, we'd best get out of sight until we better understand what's happening! [To Galavan] I don't suppose you can shed any light on any of this, Mr. Who?
Harvey : Indeed, fellow, what caused you to walk the path of ballot burning= , eh? relandD
Fred: Not that the ballots didn't deserve it, mind you. y
Alice: Well, Dur here claims he's a doctor, but you do seem to be on the side of good, so we better keep you away from him. [To the others] Let's bring him back to our room, maybe the others can help?
Charlie: Yes, and at once! Mr. Scar, would you be so kind as to help Mr. Who to our room?
Harvey : Come along troop, to our room and safety! relandD
[The party hurry to room 666 and let themselves in. SHELDON, BETSY and ROGER are here, clearly waiting anxiously.]
Betsy: [To the party] Well? How did it go?nd ROGER are here, clearly waiting=20
Dur: [Rolling up his sleeves] Horribly, like most of our missions. Now, let= 's take a look at your leg Mr. Who.
Alice: I can hardly bear to look! [Covers her eyes, but with a gap so she can see]
Alice: I thought the saying was that you can't make an omelet without breaking legs?
[Much to everyone's surprise, the spell works, and the swelling in GALAVAN's ankle goes down.]
Betsy: What happened? The count is about to start! g
Charlie: Well, there's good news and bad news. The ballots were set ablaze! [Waits a moment and clarifies helpfully] That was the good AND bad news. ully] That was the good=0A> AND bad news.=0A=0AClint: Don't forget that if = we're lucky, those large naked guys burned too! I call that good news, Sar= ge.=0A=0A=0A=0A t eem to n. ion to . end
Fred: Whu-? How does bungee-jumping enter into this?
Roger: [A little stung at Galavan's unkind words] Well, now that's not really a -
Alice: Oh, hush! Before we answer that question, who are [points at Harvey] you? [Pause] Er, Harvey, could you move out of the way a moment? [Waits until he does, and then points at Galavan] Who are you? ] Well, now that's not=0A> really a -=0A> =0A> Alice: Oh, hush! Before we a= nswer that question, who are [points at=0A> Harvey] you? [Pause] Er, Harvey= , could you move out of the way a=0A> moment? [Waits until he does, and the= n points at Galavan] Who are you?=0A=0AClint: He's Mr. Who, Bimbo. Haven't= you been listening?=0A=0A=0A=0A
Alice: Mr. What? o ill do -line
Alice: He doesn't look that thin to me. [To the party] You know what, I don't think he's a real doctor. If he was, he'd surely know how to spell it, I mean, it's not like he's claiming to be an engineer or something. ally=0A> think you should go sit in the corner, look pretty and shut=0A> th= that I can actually talk to=0A> around here?=0A=0AClint: [Peeved.] No.=0A= =0A=0A=0A
Alice: [Smiles even more sweetly back at Galavan] Sew something for the little club? Well, that shouldn't take too long!
Sheldon: [Elbowing to the front] Well, actually, yes! My name is Dr. Sheldon Parsons. [Forces a fake a smile for a moment] I have an IQ of 242.
Charlie: What Mr. Scar means to say is that while there may indeed by intelligent, highly educated people [gestures to herself modestly] in this group, we shouldn't wish to talk to you when you take that insulting tone. Miss Bassett-Short brings her unique skills to this group, and we do not mock her lack of intelligence, as she is one of us!
Fred: Charlie's right, we do not mock Alice's intelligence. Her actions speak for themselves, and there is nothing for us to add. If you need someone smart, I would like to point out that physiologically I have the largest brain here.
Harvey : Indeed, mr Thin Fop! Indeed! Insult my niece again and you will fe= el the back of my hand, what! [Scratches at a sideburn] Mind you dear niece= , I certainly could do with a little darning of my seam of my elbow, it's g= etting fightfully threadbare! relandD
Alice: Oh come on, Unc. That hole is small he could barely fit the little club in there! uld barely fit the=0A> little club in there!=0A=0AClint: [Gives Alice a loo= k.] Aaaaaand why would he want to put the little club in Harv's elbow? [To= Galavan.] You aren't planning on putting anything in Harv's elbow, are you= ? Because if you are, you're gonna have to leave!=0A=0A=0Aclub in Harv's elbow? [To ? Because if you are, you're gonna >have to leave!
Harvey : [Suddenly alarmed] What? Don't you know a mans elbow is his castle= what! And mine is heavily defended by my fists, what! relandD
Alice: Let's all just calm down a minute -- no one's going putting anything in anyone's elbow!
Charlie: Yes, I shouldn't think that would be wise. [To Galavan] Now, Mr. Who, as we seem to have similar goals, perhaps you could work with us, at least on a trial basis? Though may I suggest that you temper your tongue? These people can be terribly sensitive about their shortcomings, such as the Colonel's senility [nods to Harvey], Miss Bassett-Short's shocking lack of knowledge excepting the realm of mathematics [nods to Alice], Mr. Scar's appalling personal hygiene [nod to Clint], Dur's [hesitates]--well, you can see for yourself I haven't time to enumerate his failings, and [pauses at Fred] I don't yet know Mr. Goreblood's shortcomings well enough to comment on them, though I am certain he has many. See what I mean? You wouldn't like it if, say, people kept drawing attention to your [finger quotes] small club, would you? [Brightly] Just use some tact, and we should get along just fine!
Alice: [Unimpressed] While Charlie here is just perfect. So what's your story, Who? If that indeed is your real name?
Charlie: [Modestly] Oh, hardly! I am a perfectionist, and I have a dreadful tendency to work too much.
Alice: [Yawns at Galavan's stern look] Which is eclipsed only by your own lack of gratitude -- after all, we brought you back to our room, got you almost second rate medical care. And really, skilled planner? Is that what you are? Because, frankly, that plan of yours was so lame it could have been one of ours!
Betsy: The next step will be to see how successful the attempts to fix the election were. Now, it sounds like you met someone else, were they also trying to fix the election? uld nd my plan was hardly lame - your plan is based on HARMA agents not least with a highly publicized fire, the election would have to go again, >= which might give us time to come up with a better plan. ibute, or shall we continue snipping at each other to no purpose. y keep your peace until such time as you have something of value to >offer. at all to the proceedings.
Alice: [Leaning her head to one side and snoring during Galavan's speech] Really? I wonder why you feel the need to keep bitching at me, if that's the case. So, your plan was to create time to come up with a better plan? How long has the election been scheduled? A year? And that's what you came up with? Nice going.
Colin's out today
Harvey: By the saints, both plans failed, and that's the end of it. [To Betsy] Yes, there were some Custos-Clementines there. They were also stuffing ballot boxes by the looks of things.
Fred: Would this be the right time to bring up again the merits of despotism through martial prowess as opposed to a democracy that everyone cheats in anyway? Or suggest that we slaughter all the HARMA members?Really? I wonder why you feel the need >to keep bitching at me, if that's t= he case. So, your plan was to create time to come up with a better plan? Ho= w >long has the election been scheduled? A year? And that's what you came u= p with? Nice going. tuffing ballot boxes by the looks of >things.
Dur: Stuffing? I thought they were trying to fix the election [Pulls some m= ore papers from the front of his trousers.]
Harvey: It's a tempting suggestion, Private Bloodgore, but sheer force of numbers will work against us. [To Betsy] When will the count be?
Betsy: It's starting in a few minutes, and should be done in about half an hour. They've got some super duper counters coming in.
Charlie: That doesn't leave us much time! Perhaps we could try to stir up the crowd to incite a revolution toward the soon-to-be ruling party?
Fred: Why? It can't be that difficult to count votes. I'd bet even Alice could do it. Although I wouldn't bet too much...
Roger: [Uneasy] Well, I'm not sure that would be a very nice thing to do, you know, it was a fair election, after all.
Alice: Except for the fact that you tried to get us to cheat.
Roger: [Shrugs] Uh, sure, other than that. Maybe we should turn up and see how close it was? In fact, maybe if there were more votes cast than people who are entitled to vote, we might be able to call a new election. a very nice thing to=0A> do, you know, it was a fair election, after all.= =0A> =0A> Alice: Except for the fact that you tried to get us to cheat.=0A>= =0A> Roger: [Shrugs] Uh, sure, other than that. Maybe we should turn up an= d=0A> see how close it was? In fact, maybe if there were more votes cast=0A= election.=0A=0AClint: Yeah, about that... as part of his brilliant escape = plan, our new friend here lit a lot of the ballots on fire.=0A=0A=0A=0A =
Harvey: [Loudly] What? What the bally hell is this chap muttering about? [To Sheldon] Is there still time to burn the ballots?
Sheldon: No. They are currently being transported for counting. is chap muttering=0A> about? [To Sheldon] Is there still time to burn the b= allots?=0A> =0A> Sheldon: No. They are currently being transported for coun= ting.=0A=0AClint: Transported under heavy guard? Or could we, like, ambush= them, steal the ballots, and hold them for ransom?=0A=0A=0A=0A steal the ballots, and hold them for ransom?
Fred: Yes! Finally a plan that involves good old fashioned, straight-up violence! I approve heartily of this motion! steal the ballots, and hold them for ransom?
Sheldon: Transported under a very heavy guard. You could try stealing them, but, quite frankly, the man is so large, I can't imagine where you could hide him. s good old fashioned,=0A> straight-up violence! I approve heartily of this = motion!=0A=0A> Sheldon: Transported under a very heavy guard. You could try= stealing=0A> them, but, quite frankly, the man is so large, I can't imagin= e where=0A> you could hide him.=0A=0AClint: We could hit him over the head,= drop a grey blanket on him, and pretend he's just a big rock. Problem sol= ved. C'mon, Fred, we've got an ambush to run!=0A=0A=0A=0A=0A
Sheldon: Incorrect, your plan is inherently flawed. [Holds up a blanket] These blankets are all brown.
Alice: [Looking out the window] Look! I think the ballots are being moved right now!
Charlie: Come along, group! We can but try to stop them. Perhaps a diversion, a catchy song or something?
Alice: I don't know, Charlie, they really are under a heavy guard. [Everyone goes to the window and looks out, to see a generously proportioned man sitting on top of a huge pile of ballot boxes, which are being pulled on a huge cart through the streets. There seems to be an unusually large number of HARMA Initiates around.]
Colin's out today
Harvey: By the saints! How many of those damned HARMAs are there?
Fred: Enough for all of us... [Grins maniacally]
Alice: [Cheering] Yah! Now you're talking! [Calms down and gets serious] Do you mean enough for each of us to have plenty to kill? Or enough to kill us? Because if it's the second one, well, that's not really great, Fred. me the his well.
Sheldon: Well, there is the matter of the nine thousand sandwiches that room service sent up while you were down stuffing the ballots. Who put the order in is a mystery.
Harvey: [Stomach rumbles massively with hunger] By the saints! I had forgotten about that! [To the party] I took the precaution of ensuring we'd be well fed when we got back.
[SHELDON opens the door to one of the rooms, showing that it is filled with sandwiches.]'t y] vy
Harvey: By the saints, sir, I'll thank you not to take that tone with me. I specifically asked them for a mixture of snake's feet and thrush elbows, and I have no idea what caused this outrage!
Roger: [Wearily] When they realized it was for our room they probably switched them; they seem to prefer HARMA here.
Charlie: Perhaps this fetching mountain of sandwiches could be used to lure that comically oversized man?
Alice: [Tasting one of the sandwiches] Ew! This one has nettles and thorns in it! It's really disgusting! [Thinks for a moment] Well, you know how the saying goes, Charlie. If the comically over sized man won't come to the mountain of sandwiches, then the mountain of sandwiches must come to the comically over sized man. [Takes another bite of the sandwich] Wow! This really is just awful. [Offers it to the party] Take a taste! It's just disgusting!
Alice: Nah, there's no way he's pregnant. Look at his teeth -- who on earth would sleep with that?
Betsy: [Excitedly] We have some bags that you could use to transport the sandwiches to tempt him with? [Holds up a "Vote Sane: Vote Sanity" knapsack] Aren't they just great?e buy
Harvey: [To Dur] Step away from the sandwiches, Private! We can deduct a small Sandwich Transport Tax, but no more!
Betsy: [To Galavan] You can use them to pretend you're part of the Sanity Party group with the responsibility of watching the count, that way you can get nice and close.
Betsy: But the sandwiches! Won't someone please think of the sandwiches? How are they to be carried? How? [Falls to her knees] Oh! God! Whyyyyyy! [Head drops, sobbing]
Alice: Uh, there are a bunch of laundry bags here. Maybe we could carry them in those?
Betsy: [Getting up, dead calm and composed] Yes, I suppose they'll do, in a rather tawdry sort of way. I mean, really, is this really the sort of bag one would wish to transport poisonous sandwiches in? Really? Because I don't think it is. I don't think that's the kind of thing that the Sanity Party stands for. think of the=0A> sandwiches? How are they to be carried? How? [Falls to her= knees] Oh!=0A> God! Whyyyyyy! [Head drops, sobbing]=0A> =0A> Alice: Uh, th= ere are a bunch of laundry bags here. Maybe we could=0A> carry them in thos= e?=0A> =0A> Betsy: [Getting up, dead calm and composed] Yes, I suppose they= 'll do,=0A> in a rather tawdry sort of way. I mean, really, is this really = the=0A> sort of bag one would wish to transport poisonous sandwiches in?=0A= thing that the Sanity Party stands for.=0A=0AClint: Yeah, well right now t= he Sanity Party stands for getting its butt kicked in the local election, s= o it's not a good time to stay on image!=0A=0A=0A=0A
Betsy: You know what? Screw you! If you want to take those crappy old laundry bags instead of our 500GP a pop stylish mini-backpacks, then--
Roger: 500GP per backpack? [To Sheldon] Is this why we had nothing in the budget for advertising?
Sheldon: Well, that and all the money we spent on enormous folders for these. [Holds up volume 1 of the Sanity Party pamphlet] take those crappy old=0A> laundry bags instead of our 500GP a pop stylish= =0A> mini-backpacks, then--=0A> =0A> Roger: 500GP per backpack? [To Sheldon= ] Is this why we had nothing in=0A> the budget for advertising?=0A> =0A> Sh=
eldon: Well, that and all the money we spent on enormous folders for=0A> th= ese. [Holds up volume 1 of the Sanity Party pamphlet]=0A=0AClint: Wouldn't = that have been better spent on promising money to each voter?=0A[Shrugs] Bu= ying elections is an ancient and timeworn tradition!=0A=0A=0A=0A
Sheldon: Indeed, it would have guaranteed us a substantial number of votes. In fact, it was the strategy recommended by the election consultants hired by Betsy. ubstantial number of=0A> votes. In fact, it was the strategy recommended by= the election=0A> consultants hired by Betsy.=0A=0AClint: Huh. [To Betsy.]= You sure you don't work for HARMA? [Grabs a laundry bag and fills it with= sandwiches, and fills a second with Sanity Party pamphlets.] There. [Heft= s the bag o' sandwiches.] Bait, and [hefts the other bag] a lethal weapon. = We're ready, guys!=0A=0A=0A=0A laundry bag and fills it with sandwiches, and fills a second with Sanity P= arty
Alice: [To Sheldon] If the election consultants recommended it, why didn't you do it?
Sheldon: There was no money left over after we paid the consultants.
Roger: [To the party] We also have a small stash of weapons, just in case they might be useful.
Betsy: We were going to use them to help sway the home defence vote.
Charlie: [To Roger] Marvelous! Let's have weapons all around, then. eapons all around, then.=0A=0AClint: Haw! I told you people, way back, Vot= e Clint! And did I need any fancy electoral consultants to know that bribe= ry, corruption, and cheating was the way to win? No, no I didn't. Don't y= ou guys feel silly for supporting the opposition now?=0A=0A=0A any fancy electoral consultants to know that bribery, corruption, and chea= ting supporting the opposition now?
Alice: If the alternative was you winning, Clint, then no, I don't feel silly at all! [The party are soon supplied with bags of sandwiches and some modest weaponry, and quickly head down to the street, to see that the ballot boxes are being brought to the square where the debate was the previous night, and that there is a large crowd gathered there.]
Alice: Hm, it's going to be difficult to intercept it now.
Charlie: Courage, group! Perhaps we can get the crowd on our side with a hearty chant. How about [sing-sing voice] This-E-lection-Seems-Su-Pi-Cious-And-We-De-Mand-A-New-Vote!
Harvey : Damn and blast, what! [Begins pushing] I say, I say, make way ther= e, we've someone here about to be ill on your backs! relandD ere, we've someone here about to be ill on your backs!
Alice: [Helping Harvey push his way through, singing along with Charlie] This In-spection-Deems-Pub-li-cious! This In-spection-Deems-Pub-li-cious! [The party are making surprisingly quick progress through the crowds.] ]
Valur is out for the next few days
Fred: [Poking some of the crowd with his sandwich] Keep moving! Keep moving= !
It all seems very quiet today! h] Keep moving! Keep =0A> moving!=0A=0AClint: Hey everybody! Free sandwich= es in the hotel! [Points towards the hotel from which the party just exite= d, hoping to thin the crowd out a little.]=0A=0A=0A> ;;; It all seems very = quiet today!=0A=0A;;; Awesome. I'm the good American now! =0A=0A=0A the hotel from which the party just exited,
RandomCrowdMember: Free sandwiches? Who wants to go and look at sandwiches when there's an automatic counting machine here? go and look at=0A> sandwiches when there's an automatic counting machine h= ere?=0A=0AClint: Err... you can eat them! Snakes' feet and thrush's elbow= ! Peanut butter, pickle, and onion! Get them while they're still deliciou= s!=0A=0A=0A=0A
Charlie: [To Galavan, urgently] Don't say that! Frantic parents will start asking us to pump the stomach of every moody teenager in town, just in case! moody teenager in town,=0A> just in case!=0A=0AClint: [Quietly, in "small = print" voice.] Offer not valid for those under 18. Some restrictions may a= pply.=0A=0A=0A=0A18. Some restrictions may apply.
Harvey : [Loudly] But the sandwiches are dispensed by an automatic machine,= the latest thing in tasty treat dispensers! Now surely that's more interes= ting than an automatic ballot counting thing, eh! relandD
[Some of the crowd are clearly interested, but are distracted by BARRY TING, the reporter from previously, who is up on the stage and who calls to HARVEY.]
Barry: You might think that, sir, but clearly, you have yet to bear witness to the awesomeoness that is.... the Count-a-matic 4000!
[Dramatic music plays, fireworks go off, women swoon, and, when the smoke clears, BARRY is still waiting, and the party can hear someone off stage.]
Voice: Hey! I'm not built for speed, you know! ted
Charlie: [Gasps] The Count-a-matic can be bribed with tasty sandwiches! Hurry, group! Let's try to get backstage!
[Too late! Enter the COUNT-A-MATIC 4000, a man with several extra arms. The crowd gasp in amazement, before breaking into a thundering applause.]
Count: [Holds up his hands] Thank you my friends.
[He sets to work and, within seconds, all the votes are counted. He hands a sheet of paper with the results to BARRY.]
Barry: And the count is complete! In this, the largest and freest election of all time, with nearly 10% of the population entitled to vote, the total number of legal voters is 1,000,001. The two candidates are Colonel Joe Nunpar, of the HARMA Initiative, and Roger Rogers of the Sanity Party.
Alice: Hurrah! [To the party] Come on, maybe he can win it in the last seco= nds!
Harvey : You have heard of this Countymatic thing then?
Charlie: [Gasps] The Count-a-matic can be bribed with tasty sandwiches! Hurry, group! Let's try to get backstage! relandD al conds!
Barry: And the results are .... [drum roll] 150,000 votes for...
[Everyone leans in expectantly]
Barry: Senor Raul Pantalones!
[The audience applauds.]
Barry: Quite a good result, given that he wasn't even in the election!
Charlie: How marvelous! [Worried] Unless, of course, he has a hidden, frightening agenda we don't know about because he was never actually forced to clearly lay out his guiding principles and campaign platform.
Barry: Col. Joe Nunpar, of the HARMA party gets 331,666 votes!
Alice: [To the party] Holy crap! Does that mean that the Sanity Party wins? s?
Charlie: [Claps delightedly] Group, we just may have done it!?
Harvey : By the saints, could it be? relandD
Barry: And Roger Rogers, of the Sanity Party gets [looks down at the results and frowns] Well, this can't be right.
Count: It sure is.
Barry: [Puzzled] A [finger quotes] gajillion votes.
[The crowd go quiet, clearly unsure what this mean, both numerically and election-wise.]m!
Alice: And did, many times! [The party realize that GENESIS is standing beside them.]
Genesis: Hooray for the Sanity Party! [On stage, BARRY is consulting several official looking types, clearly looking worried. Also present now are JOE NUNPAR and ROGER ROGERS. JOE looks very unhappy.]won try
Fred: Bah. I thought we were going to get a chance to riot. How disappointi= ng.
Barry: [Addressing the crowd once more] Because the Sanity Party are clearly guilty of cheating, I deem the winner of the election, Joe Nunpar of the HARMA Initiative!
[JOE steps forward, to some polite applause, looking very, very smug= .]
Joe: The Hierarchy of Absolute and Righteous Moral Authority will show you the way forward. Finally, a reliable moral compass will guide you; no more will you have to be concerned about whether or not something is a sin -- you will be helped at every step of your life. If you have previously been misinformed, you will be re-educated. But first, my friends, you must help yourselves. Throw out your alcohol, your cheese, your greasy good. No more bright clothing or garish hats...
Alice: [To the party, as Joe drones on] And you voted for this guy? nce to riot.=0A> How disappointing.=0A> =0A> Barry: [Addressing the crowd o= nce more] Because the Sanity Party are=0A> clearly guilty of cheating, I de= em the winner of the election, Joe=0A> Nunpar of the HARMA Initiative!=0A> = very, very =0A> smug.]=0A> =0A> Joe: The Hierarchy of Absolute and Righteou= s Moral Authority will show=0A> you the way forward. Finally, a reliable mo= ral compass will guide you;=0A> no more will you have to be concerned about= whether or not something=0A> is a sin -- you will be helped at every step = of your life. If you have=0A> previously been misinformed, you will be re-e= ducated. But first, my=0A> friends, you must help yourselves. Throw out you= r alcohol, your=0A> cheese, your greasy good. No more bright clothing or ga= rish hats...=0A> =0A> Alice: [To the party, as Joe drones on] And you voted= for this guy?=0A=0AClint: C'mon, guys... What we have here is a failure t= o riot! [Looks around for a rock to throw.]=0A=0A=0A=0A s around for a rock to throw.]
Joe: Religion will be a controlled substance. Everybody needs some, but you can rely on HARMA to ensure that you don't get too much! Magic will be made illegal, as will certain aspects of healthcare. Those foolish enough to believe that they can become part of Clementine will be incarcerated and re-educated.
Genesis: [Applauds loudly] Whoo! Well said!
[CLINT finds a nicely shaped rock, ready for the throwing.]. Everybody needs some,=0A> but you can rely on HARMA to ensure that you do= n't get too much! Magic=0A> will be made illegal, as will certain aspects o= f healthcare. Those=0A> foolish enough to believe that they can become part= of Clementine will=0A> be incarcerated and re-educated.=0A> =0A> Genesis: = finds a nicely shaped rock, ready for the throwing.]=0A=0AClint: Down with = this sort of thing! [Tosses the rock.]=0A=0A=0A=0A
Joe: Loud voices will be frowned upon, and - [bonk. Gets hit square in the forehead]
Valur is away
Fred: [Picks up a convenient chair and throws it on the stage] Let's trash the place!
Alice: [Take the flask from Galavan and drinks half it down] Hey, I guess he's not half bad, after all!
[Many of the crowd immediately pick up rocks/torches/hookers, only for literally thousands of HARMA Initiates to appear all over the place. Some were hidden in the crowd, others appear at windows, other still in massive carriages that zoom into view.]
Joe: This riot is OVER! ts to
[As GALAVAN pops a HARMA Initiate on the face, there's a sudden change in mood of the people, as they realise the sheer force of numbers facing them.]
Crowd_Member: Hooray for HARMA!
[Much of the crowd join in, and quickly try to intervene to stop the party from inciting riot and several move in, clearly intending on pinning the party down.]
Alice: Hey! We're not supposed to be the riotees! We're the rioters! te on the face, there's a=0A> sudden change in mood of the people, as they = realise the sheer force=0A> of numbers facing them.]=0A> =0A> Crowd_Member:= quickly try to intervene to=0A> stop the party from inciting riot and seve= ral move in, clearly=0A> intending on pinning the party down.]=0A> =0A> Ali=
ce: Hey! We're not supposed to be the riotees! We're the rioters!=0A=0AClin=
t: Err... [Points.] Look! It's GINGER! And you can see his lad!=0A=0A=0A= =0A
[The crowd are momentarily distracted, are soon enraged once again. However, it buys the party enough time to scope out the current situation. There are huge numbers of HARMA Initiates around, and the crowd don't appear to be keen on fighting them. The party are right in the centre of the square, so escape is virtually impossible, save for the HARMA Tour Bus off to one side of the stage.]
Fred: [To Alice] Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
Alice: Yeah, suddenly passing around that flask of alcohol doesn't seem like such a good idea. ce
Charlie: Let's run for it, group! [Starts heading toward the bus] king?=0A> =0A> Alice: Yeah, suddenly passing around that flask of alcohol d= oesn't=0A> seem like such a good idea.=0A=0AClint: I'm driving! [Heads for= the bus.]=0A=0A=0A=0A
[Everyone safely makes it to the bus and slam the door behind them.= ]
Alice: [As Clint takes the reins and starts up the horses] What the hell just happened there? Did the Custos Clems really make HARMA win?.]
Harvey: I can't believe it dear niece, it was all a sham! There was no way = that HARMA were going to lose this election, no matter how hard the others = tried to cheat! relandD
Alice: That's just not fair! Who can we complain to?
Charlie: There must be someone not under the thumb of HARMA. We must find others who can see that they're horrid!
Harvey : If this is just a local election, surely we can lodge a complaint = on the national level, what! relandD t on the national level, what!
Alice: It's not! This was the national one!
[The carriage zooms off, ploughing through the HARMA Initiates, pursued by several police carriages. GENESIS steps out of the on-carriage bathroom, drying his hands.]
Genesis: It is just outrageous, absolutely outrageous. And why, why would the Custos-Clementines help create this hell that the world is about to endure?
Alice: [Taken aback at seeing Genesis on the carriage] Can there be a worse hell than a world ruled by HARMA?
Genesis: A better question would be can there be a worse hell than the Second Coming of Clementine?
Alice: [Fearfully] Is there?
Genesis: There sure is -- welcome to the start of your personal hell! [Opening a door and leaping out of the carriage]
[In spite of being involved in a high speed chase, everyone loses consciousness, sending the bus/carriage ploughing through a "Congratulations HARMA Initiative, Celebrate Soberly!" banner.]