[Book VI. Act IV. Scene I. A dark and dank corridor. ALICE, CHASTITY, CLINT, DUR and HARVEY are here, all wearing strait jackets. There is some sort of loud speaker system here, and a voice is speaking, repeating the same thing every two minutes, followed by a fairly sickening thud from the far end of the corridor.]
Voice: 2, 42, 51, 91, 2, 123, 3, 9. [Thud]
Harvey: [Loud outraged whisper] Troop, why are you all out of uniform?!
Alice: Maybe we're not! What makes you think we're naked under these? [Turns and looks at Clint] You better not be!
Dur: [looks at the rest of the party, all in strait jackets] Actually, I think this might be the most "uniformed" ever.
Clint: [Winks] Click-click! [Scowls] Dammit, it's just not the same without the hand gesture!
Dur: [Nods in agreement] Thankfully! So just where the hell are we?
Alice: [To Clint] I can see you pointing through the jacket! [Thinks for a moment] Hey! That better be your finger!
Voice: 2, 42, 51, 91, 2, 123, 3, 9. [Thud]
Alice: [To Dur] I have no idea, but that voice is going to start to get real annoying real quick!
Harvey: [To Alice] Yes, and I lament the quality of public education these days! She isn't even counting properly. Not even close!
Chastity: At least she has good diction, Colonel. These young people today sadden me with their dropping of Gs and inability to pronounce TH.
Clint: [Snorts] Yeah, that's what we should be worried about. [Affecting a snooty accent] I say, what fork should I use to stab the pricks who put us in these straitjackets?
Alice: Which fork.
[Book VI, Act III, Scene I. The Nice Trailer. ALICE, AUSTIN, CHASTITY, CLINT, DUR, HARVEY, JUNIOR and BOB are here. It is the next day, and the party have recovered their carriage.]
Alice: So, Pestilence is alive, eh?
Junior: Sure is.
Bob: So you say.
Austin : Well he did promise us that he would return as he sank into the lava. [Checks his nails]
Alice: It was more of a bottomless pit in a Placebium mine really, wasn't it?
Placebium: Magical ore that weakens supernatural creatures
Clint: I thought that was just another lie, too!
Alice: Well, he is a demon, so it wouldn't surprise me if it was!
Chastity: [Looking at the pattern on the wall] I wonder what this pattern means.
Bob: [Standing beside her] Me too.
Harvey: [Peers at the pattern] Some kind of demonic signature or some such? [Gingerly reaches out to touch the pattern]
Bob: [Nods] Could be. Could be.
[HARVEY touches part of the pattern. It looks as though it genuinely is part of the wall, and is hard to the touch.]
Austin : So was it Pestillence or Contagion who ended up in the lava? Contagion I guess. [Examines the symbol closely, prodding the patterns to see if they are all solid]
Bob: Yeah, Contagion's my guess too.
Austin : It is also possible that Nambu was responsible for the murders back in Queens View, and the strange nightmares that people were reporting.
Harvey: [To Bob] You're not a member of this troop, chappie, and I'll thank you to keep your zany theories to yourself! [To Austin, scratching a sideburn] Yes, most likely Contagion, Private Sleaze, well reasoned! Er, why do you reckon, again?
Alice: [To Harvey] Because we were there!
Chastity: He could have been, but we're a long way from Queens View. I wonder, how did he survive out here without any food or water?
Bob: [Ignoring Harvey] Good question, Chastity! Good question!
Clint: [To Junior.] Say, who did kill your wife and kids, anyway? And how've you been sleeping? No whacked-out nightmares?
Bob: Yeah, who [emphasis] did kill your wife and kids?
Junior: [To Clint] You mean, other than the ones about my wife and children being killed from which I wake up screaming every night? Not especially, no.
Clint: [Relieved.] Oh, well, that's okay then. I was worried you were having weird dreams about cutting peoples' brains out and so on!
Junior: No, just their hearts.
Harvey: [To Junior] Really? What else do you remember?
Bob: Yeah! What [emphasis] do you remember?
Junior: Not a whole lot. One minute we're all sitting around having dinner, and the next thing I know he's leapt on the table and is carving out Hildebrand's heart.
Alice: [Incredulously] You had a kid called Hildebrand?
Junior: Yes. And now he's dead. Anyway, I must have passed out, and when I awoke they were all dead. Why would he kill them and keep me alive? Why kill them in front of me?
Alice: Because he's a disgusting sadistic insane freak?
Junior: [Does a double take] That's what HE said!
Austin : Well, I'm glad we have solved that little mystery. [To Junior] He thrives on causing pain to others, emotional and physical, therefore he had to leave you alive so that you could suffer emotional pain. It just the kind of disgusting sadistic insane freak that he is.
Dur: [Looks nervous] What's so strange about that?!
Harvey: [To Dur] Quiet, quack!
Bob: [Nods] Quack!
Chastity: [To Junior] But why did they blame you?
Junior: No one believed he was still alive! I tried to warn them, but they wouldn't believe me. I just hope he hasn't struck again.
Harvey: [To Bob] Stop quacking! [To Junior, grimly] Any idea why that bastard would target you and your family, young man?
Junior: Sorry, Colonel, but I've no idea. I'd lived there all my life, didn't have any enemies other than those skateboarding kids, never got in trouble other than that whole [waves his hands vaguely] stealing wheels and putting them up on bricks thing.
Alice: Where did you live?
Asphyxia is the closest large town to Dystopia, where Pestilence died and where Jerome's craziness was traced back to (although never explained). Asphyxia is where Lucy, Austin's fiancee, was killed by Jerome on their wedding day.
Harvey: That dreadful place?! There must be something crazy-making in the water there! [Ponders thoughtfully] Bet you can get a good deal on a summer home, though.
Austin : [Dryly] Yes, but the local graveyard is rather overflowing.
Harvey: Perhaps we'd better make tracks for Asphyxia, troop! That seems to be the center of all evil-doing!
Bob: [Nods] Quack!
Chastity: Well said, Colonel. I just hope he was behind this evil doing too, as I'm concerned about the fact that Nambu seemed to be getting some sort of nourishment from these people.
Gone for 2.5 hours
Austin : [Sighs. Sarcastically] Great. Asphyxia.
Dur: Perhaps we should take extra precautions if we must go there?
Austin : [Looks suprised] What precautions would you suggest?
Clint: Tinfoil hats and water purification tablets?
Dur: [Nods in agreement] Anything that might help. Who knows who could be the next crazy person out of you lot! I mean, you're all already a stone's throw away from being quite mad as it is.... =20
Alice: [Nods] He's right, you know. [Gestures to Dur] Look at the company we keep!
Clint: I'd rather not!
Austin : Few would. [Checks his nails] Well, why don't we get going. Our carriage is waiting. [To Alice] Would you drive please?
[Everyone looks around, but there's no sign of ALICE. Suddenly, they are all distracted by the sound of the carriage horn honking.]
Alice: Let's go!
Bob: [Folds out a map that is completely featureless, and has "Nowhere" written across the top] Right. I think we're somewhere around the middle.
Harvey: [Ignoring Bob, to Junior] Which way to Asphyxia, my good man?!
Junior: [Thinks for a moment, before pointing West] Thataway!
Austin : Well, without further ado, let us proceed! [Gets into the carriage]
Harvey: [Hops into the carriage. To Alice] Westward, Ho!
[Everyone gets into the carriage, followed by JUNIOR and BOB.]
Bob: [Arranging his petticoats, and almost taking Chastity's eye out with his crook] Quack!
Chastity: Be careful young man! Next thing you know you'll have someone's eye out!
Harvey: [To Bob] What do you think you're doing?! You're not coming with us!!
Bob: [Does a double take] You still haven't solved the [dramatic voice] Mystery of the Trailer Park! How can you expect to solve it without me?
Harvey: We can live with a few unsolved mysteries here and there. I don't think we can tolerate your constant yes-mannery, though!
Austin : What mystery? It was clear that Nambu was causing the swarm ans the shield. [Shrugs] Junior arranged the trailers.
Bob: But how did Nambu survive? There's nothing in his trailer for food or water, and we're in the middle of nowhere! [Holds up the map to illustrate his point]
Alice: Actually, that says we're in the middle of Now.
Bob: [Peers at the map for a moment] Oh, excuse me. [Moves his finger.]
Dur: Well, wasn't he some sort of demon? Do they even need food and water? And where the hell is nowhere?
Clint: Haven't you been paying attention, Dur?
Chastity: [Wags a warning finger at Dur] For shame!
Dur: If you must all know I am susceptible to momentary lapses in attention! [Raises his arms in exasperation] Arg! [Breaths deeply] Now, what were we talking about?
Clint: That worm you were eating, wasn't it?
Harvey: [Stomach rumbles dangerously] Stop talking about food!
Clint: Sure Harv. Let's get this show on the road, Bimbo!
Alice: I think someone needs to apply a Face Boot to [points at Bob] that.
Austin : [Shrugs] Who knows how Nambu was surviving out here. I expect that his mother was visiting him every day with food and drink etcetra, perhaps he had a months supply hidden in the trailer somewhere [Dismisses the issue]
Clint: Oh, sorry! I thought we were taking him with us in case Harv gets hungry. [Punts Bob off the carriage.]
Bob: Hold on a second! I have-
[CLINT applies his boot to BOB's face with considerable force, sending him flying off the carriage in a flurry of petticoats and bloomers.]
Alice: Let's go!
[Exit the party, roaring off into the distance.]
RocJ: [Waving the party off, before turning to Bob] Hey mofo, why you still wearing the dress?
Bob: Because I'm hardly going to wear bloomers as beautiful as these and not have a dress on, am I?
RocJ: [Drops his pants, showing that he too, is wearing some rather delightful bloomers] I am, mofo!
End of scene, next one coming right up....
[Book VI, Act III, Scene II. The Carriage. ALICE, AUSTIN, CHASTITY, CLINT, DUR, HARVEY and JUNIOR are here, approaching Asphyxia. It is the following day, and everyone is refreshed and back to full HP.]
Junior: So, uh, should I wait outside? You know, what with the whole wanted for murder and illegal graffiti charges hanging over me.
Austin : [To Junior] Why did you come with us if you are not going all of the way? [Quickly] Why don't you disguise yourself? You could borrow one of Chastity's habits and pretend to be a nun. Pretend that you are called 'Sister Abstinence', or something.
Junior: No need. I have one of my own. I'm not sure I like the name Sister Abstinence, though.
Alice: How about calling him Sister Chastity, that's a cool nun name, isn't it?Sister >Abstinence, though. isn't >it?
Dur: Errr... So you always carry your own habit?
Clint: Bimbo, there IS no such thing as a cool nun name. No offense, Chas.
Austin : To Junior] It really does not matter if it is cool or not, just remember not to shave!
Junior: [To Dur, stilted] No.
Chastity: [To Clint, sniffing haughtily] Simply being near you causes offence, Mister Scar. [To Alice] Don't be ridiculous, my name is Sister Chastity, we cannot call him that.
Alice: How about we call [points at Chastity] her Sister Abstinence and [points at Junior] him Sister Chastity?
Austin : [To Alice] That will get very confusing. How about 'Sister Continence'?
Alice: I don't know, Aus, I'm kind of used to calling her Sister Abstinence now!
Austin : [To Alice] Sounds good to me [Checks his nails idily and gazes at the view]
Chastity: That doesn't surprise me, Mr. Sleaze.
Harvey: [Confused] Troop, have you forgotten the good Sister's name? What villainy is afoot now?!
Chastity: Pay them no heed, Colonel. They are just foolish children. [Sternly to the party] Isn't that right?
Alice: [Sulkily] Yes, Sister Abstinence.
Chastity: [Tuts loudly] What is this world coming to?
Austin : [To Chastity] I do not suppose much suprises you these days, sister, you have been around.
Junior: [Making a surprisingly convincing nun] Shocking, Sister Chastity, simply shocking. [Points angrily at Austin] You mind how you speak to the good Sister, young man, or I'll wash your mouth out with soap!
[The party come to the gates of ASPHYXIA, which, of course, are closed. Standing outside is an armed guard, DEWEY ANGEL, holding a large plate of some sort of herbs.]
Dewey: [Waves at the party] Hey.
Interesting coincidence: Austin's ill-fated fiancee was named Lucy Angel
Harvey: [Waves at Dewey] Hello, good sir, are those treats for sale?!
Dewey: Uh, what treats? [Hides the tray behind his back]
Clint: Uh, Harv, I don't this those are for eating. But here, if you're really hungry... [Hands Harvey a cigar.]
Dur: Those are for eating?
Clint: 'Bout as much as the herbs on that guys' plate, I'm guessing!
Dewey: [A little defensively] Hey! I'm celebrating! Uh, I'll ask the questions around here!
Dur: Why does everyone say that to us? When do we get to ask the questions?
Dewey: You're doing it again! [Whinily to the party] He's doing it again! Make him stop!
Clint: Don't you think that if we knew how, we would?
Dewey: Now you're doing it!
Alice: Doing what?
Chastity: [To Dewey] Well, what's your question?
Austin : [Trying to peer behind Dewey] Is that cheese? What is your name? have we met before?
Dewey: [Takes a look at the tray for a moment] No! They're cheese imbued vol-au-vonts, made for me by my sister Lucy, if you must no. My question, as [shows a badge that has something completely illegible written on it] Officer Dewey Angel, Official Town Guard, is who the hell are you people and why are you asking two questions?
Alice: [To the party] You know, that's really two questions, isn't it?
Austin : [To Dewey, quickly] Lucy Angel is alive? [Swiftly gets out a photo of Lucy] Do you recognise her?
Harvey: [To Dewey, eagerly] By the saints, answer the man!
Dewey: Do I recognise her? Are you insane? [Grabs the photo from Austin and holds it up to his (own) face so he and Lucy are side by side] What do you think?
Alice: [Whispers to Austin] That you should get the photo back quick, before he turns it into a hat!
Austin : [Grabs the photo back swiftly, snappily] My late fiancee looks nothing like you whatsoever!
Dewey: [Wincing at the severe paper cut inflicted by Austin] Hey! She's my twin sister!
Harvey: [Looking at the photos] Yes, dead ringers! Could you take us to her, please?
Dewey: No can do. Can't desert my post.
Alice: [Finger quotes] "Cant desert my post".
Dewey: [Looks puzzled] Okay.
Chastity: [To the party] Do you think she has been raised from the dead?
Dewey: No can do. Can't desert my post.
Alice: [Finger quotes] "Cant desert my post".
Dewey: [Looks puzzled] Okay.
Dewey: Well, that's what she says!
Harvey: I understand your duty to your post, soldier, but could you perhaps point us in the direction of your sister?
Austin : I [Stares into the town] must see her.=20
Chastity: [Aside, but loud enough for everyone to hear] Typical men. Nothing but one-track minds.=20
Austin : [Sneers at Chastity] Typical nun, absolutely bereft of empathy. The last time I saw Lucy she was lying dead in a pool of her own blood, on the eve of our wedding, murdered by that [pauses] Trindle.Trindle.
Chastity: [Taken aback] I assure you that if anyone can feel empathy it is my good self. May I remind you that I have lost three husbands. You and Lucy were not even married, so your loss pales compared to mine. [Dabs her eyes with a handkerchief]
Austin : [To Chastity] You prove my point! Totally lacking in empathy of any form! And you do not even understand how! [Sighs]
Alice: And in fairness, Aus, it wasn't the eve of your wedding, it was your wedding day!
Dewey: [Conversationally] So, you know my sister?
Clint: I don't think he ever got the chance...
Oy. Overslept. Also, will be at a conference Thursday - Tuesday, so posting essentially non-existent.
Austin : [To Alice] I was using the word eve in it's broader sense. [To Dewey] I was engaged to Lucy. Dr Jerome Trindle murdered her a few hours before we were to be married.
Chastity: [Steps in front of Austin and makes the quote symbol in the air] Allegedly! [Proudly to Austin] Don't want to get in trouble for making slanderous remarks. Any lawyer worth his salt should know that.
Alice: [Winces at this] Actually, Chas, we all saw it. There's no allegedly about it!
Dewey: [Does a double take] Austin? You're Austin?
Alice: No, [points at Austin] he is.
Dewey: [Looks relieved] Well then. That makes a lot more sense.
Clint: Yeah, sure. Look, lawyer, let's go see the ol' ball-and-chain, huh? How hard can she be to find?
Austin : [To Dewey] Do you know where Lucy might be at the present time?
[Time passes. Bonk. DEWEY gets hit on the forehead by a small rock thrown by ALICE.]
Dewey: Ow! Hey! [Calms down] Oh yeah. Sure, she's at home. [Turns, facing the gate] You want to head straight down Concussion Boulevard, hand a left on Sprain Street, then a right on Lacerate, and it's house number eight.
Alice: Eight lacerate, great!
Austin : [Alice] Let's go!
Dewey: Hey! Hey! Hey! I'm a town guard you know! What's your business in Asphyxia?
Away until about 4pm...
Austin : [To Dewey] I am going to visit you sister for heaven sakes! In what way is that not clear?
Harvey: [Scoffs] Not too observant for a guard, are you chappie? We'll just be on our way, then!
Dewey: Not so fast, chappie! First, I need [points at Austin] a name. Second, let me show you just how observant I am. You, for example, are clearly an ex-monk, which I can tell from your extravagant sideburns. The dust on [points at Dur's shoes] his shoes indicate a man who recently ran through a field, probably holding a large turnip. [Gives a self satisfied smile]
Harvey: [Unimpressed] Ha! That private would never run while holding food! He'd hide in an alleyway and eat it like a starving rat!
Austin : [To Dewey] I am Austin Sleaze. The colonel has always been a military man, and never a monk, as far as I know. [To Harvey] Is that not so colonel?
Dur: That's not dust! It's dirt!
Dewey: [Impatiently] No, the name of the person you want to visit.
Austin : [To Dewey] I have already said that I would like to visit your sister, Lucy Angel, have you forgotten so soon?
Dewey: [Writes it down] I'm a town guard. I don't forget things. Now. What's your name?
Austin : [Dryly] Austin Sleaze.
Dewey: Aaaaand [looks around the party, stopping at Junior] Who's this lovely lady?
Chastity: [Peers at Dewey before whispering to the party] He must be cross-eyed. [Steps forward] My name is Sister Chastity.=20
Harvey: [To Dewey] Allow me, good Sir. [Gestures gallantly to Junior] Sister June, [points to each in turn] Sister Chastity, Privates Scar and Short, and [squints at Dur then says triumphantly] the new recruit, Private Dur!
Dur: All yours if you'd just let us get on with our business!
Harvey: Private Dur, remember your manners! Only a husband or father can offer his womenfolk in trade!
Alice: [Beams with pride] What a gentleman!
Dewey: My apologies, it's just that I'm sure I know her from somewhere.
Junior: [With an entirely unconvincing female voice] Please sir, I am trying to pray!
Dewey: [Bows an apology] Of course. [To the party] Name?
Harvey: Gah! [To Alice] Niece, would you kindly jot down our names for this befuddled young man? I've repeated myself so many times, I'm quite hoarse!
Dewey: No! I mean, what's MY name?
Alice: Oh for God's sake! [Drives over Dewey and into the town]
Austin : [Considers Dewey being run over] I doubt he even noticed!
[ALICE stops the carriage to let everyone look back ]
Dewey: [Lying on the ground, a little dazed] No, that's not my name.
Junior: Uh, that house he's talking about, that's my next door neighbour. I think that's why he thought he recognised me. Maybe I should wait here for you guys?
Dur: What are you so scared off? So the whole city thank you a cold hearted mass murderer that killed your family! So they might arrest you, flog your naked body, defile your private place, AND burn you at the stake!=20
Austin : [To Dur] Those are not good things from his perspective.
Junior: [Looks horrified] I'd never even thought of those! I was just concerned that my neighbours would see me dressed as a nun! [To Chastity] No offence, Sister.
Austin : [To Junior] You had your own outfit, do you mean to say that you have never worn it before now?
Junior: Not in public!
Harvey: [To Junior, chuckling] Yes, that's part of married life, all right!
Junior: Well, it was until my wife and children were murdered.
Austin : [To Junior] What was your wife's name?
Austin : [To Junior] Well, if anyone thinks that you look like Junior, just say that you are his long lost cousin, and that you have come to visit the place where the Junior family used to live, and pray for their souls. [Checks his hair briefly ina mirror] or something like that.
Alice: And come on, are they really still looking for you?
[JUNIOR opens the window to reveal that the walls of the streets are plastered with "Wanted: Deed or Alice" posters of himself.]
Alice: Deed or Alice?
Junior: The local printer doesn't spell too good. [Points to a ratty looking warehouse] How about you drop me there and come and get me when you're done? I really don't want to be anywhere near my old house.
Austin : [Sighs] I can see this place has not improved one bit. Looks at the warehouse and posters dissaprovingly.
Junior: It's a shame. After the great boyband massacre the town suddenly became really popular, but it soon fell into a decline, especially after people from Dystopia started moving in. Then there was the whole zombie thing, that didn't really do too much for the tourism industry, I must say. Oh, and then the fires, the disease, the weird hum that everyone could hear, and as for that part of town where water flows upwards, well, you know, now I'm wondering why I didn't move out of here years ago.
The Great Boy Band Massacre happened in Book IV, Act III.
Harvey: [Helpfully] Low cost of living?
Junior: [Snaps his fingers] That's it! And the availability of employment, of course. Those dead rats don't just shovel themselves into people's gardens, you know!
Alice: [Looking like she's about to throw up] Wouldn't it make more sense to shovel them into some sort of pit and cover it up?
Junior: Yeesh! You sound just like my foreman!
Harvey: [Beams] That's the Short work ethic for you!
Dur: You had a foreman for shoveling rats?
Alice: [Smiles happily] Yep, telling someone else what to do!
Junior: [To Dur] No, for gardening!
Austin : [Incredulously] Excellent, we now that we have the local real estate situation assesed, shall we get going?
Junior: [Steps down from the carriage] Okay, you guys, I'll wait here. Now, don't go forgetting me, okay?
Alice: Let's go!
[The carriage zooms off towards Lacerate.][Book VI, Act III, Scene III. Lacerate Street. ALICE, AUSTIN, CHASTITY, CLINT, DUR and HARVEY are here, in the carriage. It has taken about ten minutes to get here, but, rather confusingly, the numbers appear to be in random order, so the going is slow.]
Alice: [Give a tut of annoyance as the house numbers go from 4 to 982] So, does anyone else find it a bit weird that Lucy isn't, well, you know, dead?
Dur: Perhaps it was a fancy bit of medical knowledge! I'd like to meet the surgeon who could bring someone back from the dead.
Chastity: [To Alice] It's not that unusual, my dear. Especially in our line of work. We should expect the unexpected at all times. Except when we're having lunch.
Austin : Well, we have all returned from the dead on several occasions. Perhaps Lucy secretly had nascency fluid stored somewhere. We can ask her when we meet her.
Alice: Perhaps, Aus, but Nascency Fluid only works in the Interior, remember? [Suddenly jams on the brakes, causing another carriage to rear end them] I think that's it over there.
[Enter JACK WATERS, an angry looking man.]
Jack: Hey! You just reversed into my carriage!
Austin : [To Jack] You rammed into our carriage! [Hands over a card] You will be hearing from her lawyer promptly. [Hands out some witness statment sheets to the party] We appear to have several witness who are willing to testify that you ran into us. A nun, a doctor and a colonel are amongst their number, all well respected member of the community!
Harvey: [Bellows] I saw it! I saw it all!
Jack: Not respected members of OUR community! For all I know, you could be murderers! And who the hell is going to take the word of MURDERERS?
Austin : [To Jack] Well we are not murderers, but you are probably a liar! And who in hell would take the word of a liar?
Dur: Well I suppose that depends highly on what a liar was trying to tell you....
Jack: Good point! [Pause] For a murderer! [To Austin] I might be a liar, but if so, I'm a liar from around here. You're just a murderer from God knows where!
Austin : [Dryly] I am not a murderer. [Finishes writing and then hand Jack a huge wad of papers] We will see you in court.
Jack: [Doesn't take them, but hands over an even huger wad of papers] Oh no! I'll see YOU in court!
Harvey: [Enraged] Yes, you watch for us. We'll be wearing little beanie caps with whirly bits on the top!
Jack: Yeah? Well, I - uh, I don't know what that means, but I'm sure it's typical of the kind of thing murderers from out of town wear!
Austin : [Looks alarmed] Except for me that is. [Take the wad of papers fro Jack and reads it. To Jack] This is an Yukiea catalogue?
Jack: To the untrained eye, perhaps. [Takes out a policeman's badge] Do you know what this is?
Alice: A coaster covered in tin foil?
Jack: [Puts it back in his pocket] Very clever.
Austin : [Smugly] Yes she is rather. [To Alice] Well, let us not dilly-dally any longer.
[Eventually the party get to the gate marked 8. There is a small garden here with a path that leads up to the door. There appears to be blood smeared on the door and there is a red haired woman lying face down in the garden.]
Austin : This town has really lost it. Junior said that there had been a period where there has been a strange humming. That sounds abit like one of those shield type devices. With all of these horrible goings on I suspect that Pestillence has been here for some time.
Alice: Maybe [points at the woman] she might know?
Austin : [To Alice] Well if you can talk to the dead then ask away.
Dur: Here now! Are you a certified doctor that can just go around pronouncing people dead!? How would you feel if I pronounce YOU dead without any formal examination?
Alice: [Nods] Anyway, I can normally get Clint to understand me, and that's GOT to be harder than talking to someone who's dead! [To Dur] Check her out, Doc!
Dur: [Looks at the smeared blood nervously before poking the woman's body with his foot] This woman's dead!
Woman: Ow! Hey! What the he-ell is wrong with you?
[The woman is MEG ANGEL. She looks like she has recently been punched in the face.]
Harvey: Like we'd take your word for it, quack!
Dur: [Hides behind Austin] I didn't administer any care; you have no basis for a malpractice suit! Tell her Aus!
Alice: You didn't administer any care? Oh! That's why she's still alive!
Meg: Who the he-ell are you people? And what the he-ell just happened?
Harvey: Madam, we are the Queens View party, and I can assure you we don't know what the blazes just happened, as we are new in town.
Meg: I was standing here talking to my daughter, Lucy. She saw someone coming from the street and looked terrified. I turned to see but was hit in the face before I saw who it was. [Looks around] Where the he-ell is Lucy?
Austin : [To Meg] We came to see Lucy, but it appears that we are too late. [Looks around] I fear that she may have been kidnapped. [Turns back to Meg] I am Austin, she may have mentioned me in the past? I was about to be married to Lucy just before Trindle murdered her. [Looks around looking quite forlorn]
Meg: Austin? He-ell! Of course she's mentioned you! You can call me Mom! [Hugs Austin, giving his ass a squeeze as she does]
Alice: You know, if she was kidnapped, and she was standing out here, then why is there blood on the door?
Austin : [Looks suprised by the bum squeeze] It is a pleasure to meet you too, Mrs Angel! Perhaps we should check inside incase Lucy is there, she might be hurt.
Forgot that Tom told us he's away!
Clint: Damn. Door's already open. [Pushes it open further] Uh, I think you all should take a look at this. [Draws his sword]
Alice: It's a sword Clint. Very pretty.
Clint: No, [gestures with his sword] I mean all the blood on the stairs.
Harvey: [In a loud whisper] By the saints, Private Scar, there are ladies present! You must learn to break this sort of information to them gently. [To Meg, in a normal voice] Madame, it appears you have a cleaning emergency, but don't fret! The good Sister here will have it tidied up in the shake of a lamb's tail!stairs.
Dur: [Peeks in and takes a look] THAT is one serious nose bleed!
Chastity: [Puts on a pair of big yellow latex gloves] Come on Alice! A woman's work is never done. [Starts to whistle tunelessly]
Alice: What? [Looks around] We're out in the open! I'm not going taking my pants off here! Besides, there's adventuring work to be done! [Looks in] Yikes! That's a lot of blood leading up the stairs, isn't it?
Austin : [Looks pale at the sight of what might be Lucy's blood] Perhaps Mr Scar could check upstairs?
Clint: Sure. What's the worst that could happen? [Walks up the steps, trying to not get *too* much blood on himself.]
Back in Houston. Very tired, though, so might sleep in some tomorrow.
[CLINT moves upstairs with some difficulty, as there is a lot of blood on the stairs.]
Alice: [Following behind Clint] I don't like the look of this at all. [Looks down at the blood] This looks even worse! Are we sure she was just kidnapped?
Austin : [Looks at Alice blankly] Sometimes Alice, I have my doubts about you [Rolls his eyes]
Harvey: [Hopefully] Perhaps she gave them what for before they nabbed her? [Starts up the stairs] Do you see anything up there, Private Scar?
Alice: [To Austin] While I rarely have any about you, Aus. You seem very pedestrian about all this.
[The party keep going, following the trail of blood to a closed door.]
Meg: [At the back of the group, not able to see the door as she's too far back] What the he-ell is going on?
Chastity: [Puts her arms around Meg] Let the men handle this. Why don't you put the kettle on.
Harvey: Quite right, Sister! You ladies make some tea, and we'll see what's what. [In a loud whisper] Get ready, troop! [Attempts to open the door at the end of the blood trail]
Meg: Why the he-ell would I make some tea?
[HARVEY pushes the door open to reveal LUCY lying on the bed, wearing a wedding dress and covered in blood. Sitting on the edge of the bed is PESTILENCE.]
Pestilence: [Tutting reproachfully] You know, it's very bad luck to keep the bride waiting.
Dur: [Looks around nervously] Perhaps I best help the women. After all, we don't want them burning their hands now do we?TGFzdCBmcm9tIG1lIGFuZCBLZXZpbiAjNDMNCg0KQWxpY2U6IEkgdGhpbmsgc2hlJ3MgZ290IG1v cmUgdGhhbiBzb3JlIGhhbmRzIHRvIHdvcnJ5IGFib3V0LCBEdXIhDQoNClNlbnQgZnJvbSBteSBC bGFja0JlcnJ5riB3aXJlbGVzcyBoYW5kaGVsZA0KDQotLS0tLU9yaWdpbmFsIE1lc3NhZ2UtLS0t LQ0KRnJvbTogIkRheSwgS2V2aW4gUi4gIChMYXMgQ29saW5hcykgIE5BIiA8S2V2aW4uRGF5QGhh bnNvbi5iaXo+DQoNCkRhdGU6IFdlZCwgMjcgRmViIDIwMDggMDg6MDc6NDEgDQpUbzoiSGVhdGhl ciIgPGhlYXRoZXIuZ29nZ2Fuc0BnbWFpbC5jb20+LCJEb2JlaywgUGF1bCIgPHBhdWwuZG9iZWtA Y2l0aS5jb20+DQpDYzoiQ29ub3IgUnlhbiIgPGNvbm9yLnJAZ21haWwuY29tPiw8ZGpvYkBzdGFm Zm1haWwuZWQuYWMudWs+LCJUb20gSGVuZGVyc29uIiA8dGhnOHJndXlAeWFob28uY29tPiw8cGRv YmVrQGdtYWlsLmNvbT4sPGJlYXRteWFjZXNAeWFob28uY29tPiw8cXZibG9nZ2VyQGdtYWlsLmNv bT4NClN1YmplY3Q6IFtxdl0gMDMuMDMuMDQzDQoNCg0KTGFzdCBmcm9tIEhlYXRoZXIgIzQyDQoN Cj5IYXJ2ZXk6IFF1aXRlIHJpZ2h0LCBTaXN0ZXIhIFlvdSBsYWRpZXMgbWFrZSBzb21lIHRlYSwg YW5kIHdlJ2xsIHNlZQ0KPndoYXQncyB3aGF0LiBbSW4gYSBsb3VkIHdoaXNwZXJdIEdldCByZWFk eSwgdHJvb3AhIFtBdHRlbXB0cyB0byBvcGVuDQo+dGhlIGRvb3IgYXQgdGhlIGVuZCBvZiB0aGUg Ymxvb2QgdHJhaWxdDQoNCkR1cjogW0xvb2tzIGFyb3VuZCBuZXJ2b3VzbHldIFBlcmhhcHMgSSBi ZXN0IGhlbHAgdGhlIHdvbWVuLiBBZnRlciBhbGwsDQp3ZSBkb24ndCB3YW50IHRoZW0gYnVybmlu ZyB0aGVpciBoYW5kcyBub3cgZG8gd2U/DQo=
Austin : [Takes a deeps breath and walks into the room, gazes at Lucy. Slips his left glove off. To Contagion] Hello.
It's not Contagion, it's Pestilence!
Pestilence: [Gives a smile and a wave] Hello.
Lucy: [Coughs up some blood and looks up] Austin? For God's sake! Help me!
Harvey: [To Pestilence, sword out] Unhand this innocent woman, you bastard!
Pestilence: N-uh! [Holds up his fingers] First, I'm not touching her. Second, she is far from innocent. Third, I'm not a - oh, well, but two out of three were wrong!
Lucy: Please! Help me! [Chokes a little on some blood]
Alice: [Gives Austin a curious look as she draws her sword] Uh, do you know something we don't?
Harvey: [Attempts to assist Lucy. To Pestilence] What do you claim did this poor girl do to deserve this?!
Chastity: Dear Phili, we must help the poor girl. [Attempts to cast cure wounds spell on Lucy]
Pestilence: [Steps back to let Harvey at Lucy] What? You just assume I'm responsible for this? Yeesh, arrest me, officer! [Holds up his hands, showing that they are covered in blood]
Tom's sleeping in
Clint: [Charges at Pestilence, swinging his sword] You bastard!
[PESTILENCE nimbly dodges the sword, while CHASTITY gets to LUCY and casts her spell.]
Pestilence: Hey! That could have someone's eye out!
Austin : [Rushes over to help Lucy, tries to stem any flows of blood] Oh my! You're still alive! [Gives Lucy a quick kiss. To the party] Does anyone have a healing potion ? Call an ambulance!UGVzdGlsZW5jZTogW0F2b2lkaW5nIGJsb3dzIGZyb20gY2xpbnQgYW5kIEFsaWNlXSBJIGhhdmUg b25lISBbSG9sZHMgb3V0IGEgcG90aW9uXQ0KDQpTZW50IGZyb20gbXkgQmxhY2tCZXJyea4gd2ly ZWxlc3MgaGFuZGhlbGQNCg0KLS0tLS1PcmlnaW5hbCBNZXNzYWdlLS0tLS0NCkZyb206IGRqb2JA c3RhZmZtYWlsLmVkLmFjLnVrDQoNCkRhdGU6IFdlZCwgMjcgRmViIDIwMDggMTU6MzQ6MjMgDQpU bzpDb25vciBSeWFuIDxjb25vci5yQGdtYWlsLmNvbT4NCkNjOkhlYXRoZXIgPGhlYXRoZXIuZ29n Z2Fuc0BnbWFpbC5jb20+LCAgICAgICAiRGF5LCBLZXZpbiBSLiAoTGFzIENvbGluYXMpIE5BIjxL ZXZpbi5EYXlAaGFuc29uLmJpej4sICAgICAgICJEb2JlaywgUGF1bCIgPHBhdWwuZG9iZWtAY2l0 aS5jb20+LCAgICAgICBUb20gSGVuZGVyc29uPHRoZzhyZ3V5QHlhaG9vLmNvbT4sIHBkb2Jla0Bn bWFpbC5jb20sICAgICAgIGJlYXRteWFjZXNAeWFob28uY29tLCBxdmJsb2dnZXJAZ21haWwuY29t DQpTdWJqZWN0OiBbcXZdIDAzLjAzLjA1Mg0KDQoNCkxhc3QgZnJvbSBoaW0gIzUyDQo+DQo+IENs aW50OiBbQ2hhcmdlcyBhdCBQZXN0aWxlbmNlLCBzd2luZ2luZyBoaXMgc3dvcmRdIFlvdSBiYXN0 YXJkIQ0KPg0KPiAgICAgICAgW1BFU1RJTEVOQ0UgbmltYmx5IGRvZGdlcyB0aGUgc3dvcmQsIHdo aWxlIENIQVNUSVRZIGdldHMgdG8NCj4gTFVDWSBhbmQgY2FzdHMgaGVyIHNwZWxsLl0NCj4NCj4g UGVzdGlsZW5jZTogSGV5ISBUaGF0IGNvdWxkIGhhdmUgc29tZW9uZSdzIGV5ZSBvdXQhDQoNCkF1 c3RpbiA6IFtSdXNoZXMgb3ZlciB0byBoZWxwIEx1Y3ksIHRyaWVzIHRvIHN0ZW0gYW55IGZsb3dz IG9mIGJsb29kXSAgDQpPaCBteSEgWW91J3JlIHN0aWxsIGFsaXZlISBbR2l2ZXMgTHVjeSBhIHF1 aWNrIGtpc3MuIFRvIHRoZSBwYXJ0eV0gIA0KRG9lcyBhbnlvbmUgaGF2ZSBhIGhlYWxpbmcgcG90 aW9uID8gQ2FsbCBhbiBhbWJ1bGFuY2UhDQoNCg0KDQoNCg0KLS0gDQpUaGUgVW5pdmVyc2l0eSBv ZiBFZGluYnVyZ2ggaXMgYSBjaGFyaXRhYmxlIGJvZHksIHJlZ2lzdGVyZWQgaW4NClNjb3RsYW5k LCB3aXRoIHJlZ2lzdHJhdGlvbiBudW1iZXIgU0MwMDUzMzYuDQoNCg0K
Austin : [To Pestilence, sorrowfully] Unfortunately I cannot trust you to do anything but evil, I expect that is some form of poison [Tries to save Lucy. To Chastity] Another healing spell perhaps?
Pestilence: [Shrugs] Fair enough. I mean, I am the one responsible for this, after all.
Lucy: Austin... Austin... you must stop Clementine...
Clint: [Determined.] The hill will just have to wait. I'm gonna stop this guy, first! Hold still, you!
Austin : [To Lucy, softly but quickly] I thought Clementine was a hill, but it's aperson too?
Dur: Ask her who Clementine is Austin! [Tries to aid Chastity by casting his own healing spell.]
Lucy: [Gasping for breath, although clearly aided by Dur's spell] No, Aus, Clementine isn't a hill. Clementine is a .. [loses consciousness]
Pestilence: What? What is Clementine?
[CLINT's sword bounces off PESTILENCE.]
Pestilence: Ow! Hey! That nearly hurt!
Clint: Get the girl outta here, lawyer. I'll keep this guy busy! [Tries to drive Pestilence into a corner.]
Chastity: [Rummages through her belongings for a healing potion. If she has one she will give it to Lucy]
Harvey: [Attempts to stab Pestilence with his sword] Die, wretch!
[CHASTITY fishes out another potion and pours it onto LUCY's lips, while CLINT, HARVEY and ALICE drive PESTILENCE backwards.]
Pestilence: Hey! If that's how you're gonna be! [Dives headfirst out the window]the >window]
Dur: [Over Chastity's shoulder] Is she going to make it? We need to know who Clementine is!know
Chastity: I don't know. [To Meg] Is there a [glances at Dur] respectable doctor close by? [Tries to tend to Lucy's wounds]
Meg: A respectable doctor? [Worriedly] No!
Austin : [Tend to Lucy, cleaning the blood off her face, trying to stem any blood loss etc] Any more healing potions anybody? [Quickly searches his own bag]
[Everyone takes out whatever healing potions and such that they have, but LUCY is gone, and dies in AUSTIN's arms. Everyone stands around in shocked silence.]
Meg: How the he-ell am I going to get those sheets clean?
Harvey: [To Meg] Heartless crone! This young lady just died, have some respect!
Meg: Died? No, she's not dead, she's just - oh, Luuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu-cy!
Alice: [Wincing at the high pitched scream] Yikes!
Meg: Not again!
Harvey: [To Meg] Again? What do you mean, good lady?
Meg: We only just got her back!
Austin : [Closes Lucy's eyes carefully, still holding her]
[Fade to black.]
End of scene, next one coming right up.
[Book VI, Act III, Scene IV. Meg's House. ALICE, AUSTIN, CHASTITY, CLINT, DUR and HARVEY are here, in the kitchen with MEG. It is about ten minutes later and the cops and undertaker have been called. Enter LEE TOMMY JONES, a grizzled old cop.]
Lee: [Takes off his hat] My condolences. This is a bad business. A bad business indeed.
Lee Tommy Jones
Harvey: [To Lee, extending a handshake] Indeed it is, good sir! Is there any way we may be of assistance?
Lee: Sir, I had a dream last night. I was on a journey, and I met myself when I was young, burying a box. My older self dug it up.
Lee: You can start by telling what happened here.
Dur: [Coughs nervously] We aren't really sure of that ourselves. When we got here, the dreadful deed was done and she was beyond care. [Looks around] Perhaps it would be best if we let the victim explain?
Harvey: [Astounded] The victim is dead, quack! And you call yourself a doctor?!
Dur: [Still looking about nervously] And being a doctor, even one as highly skilled as myself, you get accustomed to being around death! I've been around enough dead people that I have... learned how to communicate with them! Besides... Lucy is only MOSTLY dead...
Alice: Oh here we go! What on earth are you talking about? Next thing we'll be enduring Crilly Bystal!
Austin : [To Dur] She seems to be one hundred percent dead. WHat do y ou mean, mostly?
Dur: Perhaps I should just show you! [Raises a pointed finger to the ceiling dramatically] To the bedroom!
Lee: [To Dur] He's got a point there, boyah. You better not be coming in here with high faluting city ways!
Alice: He's not so much high faluting city ways as flim flammery.
Lee: That's better, but I still don't like it.
[Rather conveniently, the undertaker is passing by right at that moment with the body. This is ROBERT GRAVES, who previously met the party back in Hallbridges in Book II, Act I, Scene X.]
Robert: [Pushing a wheeled stretcher, but pausing to pop his head in the window] Did someone say [mock dramatic pause] bedroom?
Dur: Stop that body!
Chastity: [Stares at Dur] Have you gone quite mad?
Robert: [Stops, making a peculiar kind of skidding noise himself as he does so] What is it? [Excited] Something about that weird thing on her back? It's really cool. Kinda spongy.
Clint: I thought he said "obnoxious ghoul," myself.
Dur: [To Chastity] Quite! [To Robert] Thing on her back? Hmmm... perhaps it is post-mortem.
Robert: I don't know, but when I get her back the crayons are coming out and I'm getting a new entry for my scrapbook!
Dur: THAT is quite disturbing! [Meanders over to the body and pulls the sheet that covers Lucy away like a magician would in a final reveal] Get ready to be amazed.
Alice: Hold on. [Gets into a pose, relaxed on an armchair] No, that'll never work. [Stands up, leaning forward, resting her chin on her thumb] Okay, now I'm ready!
Clint: [Gives Alice a look.] I'm amazed already!
I hope this isn't too out of order - I seem to be getting a bit of lag on email delivery today.
Austin : [To Dur] If you turn her into a zombie or something nasty there will be serious trouble.
Alice: Oh, come on, Aus, you've seen him in action, do you really believe there's any way she's going to be more animated after he does his thing?
Dur: [Nothing happens and Dur is left standing in a foolish pose] Wait... Something's wrong.
Alice: [Disappointed] Hey! That's not amazing at all!
Dur: [Looks up from the corpse] This woman's dead!
Austin : [To Dur. Dryly] And if you lay one finger on her you will be too.
Clint: Don't act so surprised, doc - I thought that sort of thing happened to you all the time!too.
Dur: Don't you understand? This woman IS dead. [Dur puts a hand on his chin as if piecing together a mystery] Dead people only have about 2 or 3 good questions in them, and then they cross over. The fact that I can't talk to Lucy now means.... [Looks triumphant as it dawns on him] Someone has already spoken with her!
Austin : [To Dur] You mean to say that you talk to corpses and they answer you? [Rolls his eyes]
Clint: [Shrugs.] Don't knock it, lawyer. You were just talking to her ten minutes ago, and Jerry killed her how long ago again?
Dur: [Looks confused by what seems like an obvious question to him.] Yes?
Austin : [To Meg, curiously] How did Lucy come back to life last time?
Robert: So you can't ask her about that weird thing on her back? Pity.
Austin : [Goes over to Lucy and gently and carefully examines her back, then covers her up neatly] Hmm. I wonder just who Clementine is?
[Everyone gets a quick glance as AUSTIN examines her back, and can see that the same pattern each of them have on their back is also on hers.]
Robert: Weird, isn't it? Ever see anything like it?
Harvey: [Shielding his eyes] Sir, a gentleman never looks at a lady's back, and certainly not to poke fun at her peculiar beauty spots, what!
Robert: I'm not poking fun, I'm just curious! And they're not beauty spots, there's a real pattern there. [To Alice, holding over some crayons] Would you draw a picture of me beside it?
Alice: [Takes the crayons] No. [Pockets them]
Austin : I suppose we had better fiind out who, or what Clementine is.
Lee: Clementine? Hm. I had a dream about Clementine last night, and those weirdo Custos-Clementines. However, before we get into that, I need to know what happened here.
Lee: This would be when you tell me what happened.
Dur: It looks like this woman was killed.
Lee: What are you? Some sort of doctor?
Harvey: [Scoffs] Don't be ridiculous! This man is clearly a quack.
Lee: A quack eh? I had a dream about a duck the other night. He was my father.
Dur: I'm ... not sure they make a medicine for that.
Austin : [To Lee] Someone murdered my fiancee, Lucy Angel. That's what happened. Again. [Looks deeply sadened as he gazes at Lucy]
Clint: [Sympathetically.] Yeah. Tough break, lawyer.
Alice: [Puts her arm around Austin in consolation] Kind of weird how she was wearing her wedding dress, isn't it?
Lee: Who did this thing? Who murdered her?
Forgot to say, I'm gone for the day. Have a good weekend.
Austin : [Sighs. To Lee] When we arrived here, Meg Angel, was lying =20 unconcious in the garden. There was a large amount of blood leading up =20 to the front door and bloody hand prints on the the front door. We =20 assumed that Lucy, or someone else had been badly hurt, so we all went =20 into the house to se if we could help the injured. The blood trail =20 lead upstairs, we followed, and when we got to the bedroom, Pestilence =20 Sotot was sitting on the bed, taunting Lucy, who had sustained many =20 greivous injuries. We tried to save Lucy, and Pestilence Sotot escaped =20 through the bedroom window. Lucy died, despite our best effort to save =20 her, then you arrived. [Looks quite defeated and walks back into the =20 Angel's garden and sits down on the garden bench]
Lee: Pestilence? Nonsense! Nonsense! Pestilence is dead, everyone knows that!
Harvey: I'm afraid not, good sir! We saw him just moments ago, looking and acting quite the bastard, if you you'll pardon my Elvish!
Austin : [To Lee] He looked very alive to me. I suppose it may have been an impersonator, but he looked pretty much like the same old Pestillence to me.
Lee: Pestilence is dead. Killed by Jerome in Dystopia. [Sternly] The last person to claim that Pestilence was alive was that murderer Junior Junior.
Harvey: [Scratching a sideburn] Well, that doesn't sound like the name of a murderer, if you ask me! All the best men are Juniors, like my own son. Furthermore, this troop saw that villain Pestilence, and none of us are murderers. [Confidently] Therefore, we're all telling the truth, if you follow my reasoning.
Lee: [Looks confused] So your son is a murderer?
Harvey: No, he's only [thinks for a moment] two years old, for Phili's sake!
Lee: We are quite sure that Pestilence wasn't responsible for the murders that Junior has been accused of. In fact, the investigating officer is here right now, he can pour scorn upon your claim that it was Pestilence.
Dur: How's that? Was he there for the murders?=20
Chastity: Office, I can indeed confirm that the murder of this poor girl was committed by Pestilence himself. We saw the whole thing, but were unable to interject in time. [Bows her head sorrowfully]
Lee: [To Dur] No, he was called to the scene. A pretty clear case of marmaladism, as far as I remember. [To Chastity] Unlikely, although I believe you may have seen someone who looked like Pestilence.
Austin : [Shrugs] Perhaps this Junior Junior fellow disguised himself as Pestillence?
Lee: Could be, although we believe that Junior has left the town like the coward he is.
Austin : [To Lee] How do you know that Trindle killed Pestillence? After all, Trindle is a murderer, and was in cahoots with Pestillence at one time.
Lee: Because here in Asphyxia we know everything that happens in Dystopia.
Alice: [Pales a little] Do you know what I did in the you-know-what when we were there?
Lee: [Emotionless] Yes. Yes I do. [To Austin] You are almost certainly confused. We have a low life living in Asphyxia who bears a startling resemblance to Pestilence.
Clint: Hey, don't they all? I mean, really guys, what are the chances we *really* saw a dead guy? People who see dead guys get dragged off to have their heads examined!
Lee: [Looks Clint up and down] Not all of them. You know, Junior Junior used to live next door. If you want, we can show you the crime scene.
Harvey: That would be most interesting, thank you!
Lee: He's very helpful. [Calls out to someone in the hall] Jack!
[Enter JACK WATERS, the man who rear ended the party earlier, and that had the frank exchange of views with AUSTIN.]
Jack: Ah! You caught them, excellent!
Austin : [To Jack] Yes, we where about to leave to try and find out who this 'Clementine' person is. My recently deceased fiancee mentioned his name, it was the last thing she said in fact. [Looks sadly towards Lucy. To Jack] But I suppose we could look at the 'Junior Junior' crime scene if it might help.
Dur: How long ago did the crime occur?
Jack: Just five minutes ago! [Points at Dur] You were there. [Points out each of Harvey, Chastity, Clint and Alice in turn] And you, and you, and you, and you. [Points to Austin] He was the ringleader.
Clint: [To Lee.] Do you mind if I tear this guy limb from limb before we go see the crime scene?
Lee: I'd prefer if you didn't. [To Jack] Jack, tell them how the whole house was locked from the inside when you got there, and how you had to break down the door to get in.
Jack: The whole house was locked from the inside when I got there. I had to break down the door to get in.
Alice: How'd you do that? Drive into it?
Austin : [Smirks] I expect the house reversed into him.
Jack: Got something to say, smart guy? Got a murder you need beaten out of you?
Harvey: [To Jack] Nobody threatens my troop, chappie! Now you just leave us be. We're in the middle of an important investigation that doesn't concern you.
Austin : [To Harvey] Colonel, perhaps we should inspect the Junior Junior crime scene. It is possible that Junior Junior himself ws masquerading as Pestillence.
Jack: [Enraged, getting in Harvey's face] Doesn't concern me? Who the hell are you to tell me this doesn't concern me. You're on my turf my now, my manor, my backyard. You better behave yourself. Chappie.
Harvey: [Ignores Jack] To the crime scene, troop!
Jack: [Steps to block Harvey] That's my crime scene, chappie!
Austin : [Looks quisicallly at Jack] So you murdered the Junior family?
Jack: There's only one suspected murderer here, and that's you! [Points at Harvey] And maybe him. [To Clint] And probably him. [To Dur] And that guy. [Waves vaguely at Alice and Chastity] And possibly them.
Austin : [To Jack] Is it not most unprofessional to perambulate around the area of your remit, accusing everyone you see of murder? How will you ever catch the real murder if you stand here accusing innocent bystanders? [Indignantly] We have already stated that the perpitrator of this murder appeared to be Pestillence, and this gentleman here [Gestures to Lee] Pointed out that there is a neer-do-well from Asphyxia who bears a startling resembelance to Pestillence. Is that not a lead? Should you not be searching for him now? [Looks around]
Chastity: I wonder if there are any clues in Lucy's bedroom. Should we search there first?SmFjazogW0FuZ3JpbHkgdG8gQXVzdGluXSBZZXMhIFllcyBJIHNob3VsZCENCg0KDQpTZW50IGZy b20gbXkgQmxhY2tCZXJyea4gd2lyZWxlc3MgaGFuZGhlbGQNCg0KLS0tLS1PcmlnaW5hbCBNZXNz YWdlLS0tLS0NCkZyb206ICJEb2JlaywgUGF1bCAiIDxwYXVsLmRvYmVrQGNpdGkuY29tPg0KDQpE YXRlOiBUdWUsIDQgTWFyIDIwMDggMDk6MDk6MTcgDQpUbzo8ZGpvYkBzdGFmZm1haWwuZWQuYWMu dWs+LCAiQ29ub3IgUnlhbiIgPGNvbm9yLnJAZ21haWwuY29tPg0KQ2M6IkhlYXRoZXIiIDxoZWF0 aGVyLmdvZ2dhbnNAZ21haWwuY29tPiwgICAgICAgIlRvbSBIZW5kZXJzb24iIDx0aGc4cmd1eUB5 YWhvby5jb20+LCAgICAgICAiRGF5LCBLZXZpbiBSLlwoTGFzIENvbGluYXNcKSBOQSIgPEtldmlu LkRheUBoYW5zb24uYml6PiwgICAgICAgPHBkb2Jla0BnbWFpbC5jb20+LCA8YmVhdG15YWNlc0B5 YWhvby5jb20+LCA8cXZibG9nZ2VyQGdtYWlsLmNvbT4NClN1YmplY3Q6IFtxdl0gMDMuMDQuMDc0 DQoNCg0KTGFzdCBmcm9tIERvbSAjNzMNCg0KPiBBdXN0aW4gOiBbVG8gSmFja10gSXMgaXQgbm90 IG1vc3QgdW5wcm9mZXNzaW9uYWwgdG8gcGVyYW1idWxhdGUgYXJvdW5kDQo+IHRoZSBhcmVhIG9m IHlvdXIgcmVtaXQsIGFjY3VzaW5nIGV2ZXJ5b25lIHlvdSBzZWUgb2YgbXVyZGVyPyBIb3cgd2ls bA0KPiB5b3UgZXZlciBjYXRjaCB0aGUgcmVhbCBtdXJkZXIgaWYgeW91IHN0YW5kIGhlcmUgYWNj dXNpbmcgaW5ub2NlbnQNCj4gYnlzdGFuZGVycz8gW0luZGlnbmFudGx5XSBXZSBoYXZlIGFscmVh ZHkgc3RhdGVkIHRoYXQgdGhlIHBlcnBpdHJhdG9yDQo+IG9mIHRoaXMgbXVyZGVyIGFwcGVhcmVk IHRvIGJlIFBlc3RpbGxlbmNlLCBhbmQgdGhpcyBnZW50bGVtYW4gaGVyZQ0KPiBbR2VzdHVyZXMg dG8gTGVlXSBQb2ludGVkIG91dCB0aGF0IHRoZXJlIGlzIGEgbmVlci1kby13ZWxsIGZyb20NCj4g QXNwaHl4aWEgd2hvIGJlYXJzIGEgc3RhcnRsaW5nIHJlc2VtYmVsYW5jZSB0byBQZXN0aWxsZW5j ZS4gSXMgdGhhdA0KPiBub3QgYSBsZWFkPyBTaG91bGQgeW91IG5vdCBiZSBzZWFyY2hpbmcgZm9y IGhpbSBub3c/IFtMb29rcyBhcm91bmRdDQoNCkNoYXN0aXR5OiBJIHdvbmRlciBpZiB0aGVyZSBh cmUgYW55IGNsdWVzIGluIEx1Y3kncyBiZWRyb29tLiBTaG91bGQgd2UNCnNlYXJjaCB0aGVyZSBm aXJzdD8NCg==
Dur: Like in her panty drawer? There weren't any clues there, I already checked.
Austin : [Frowns at Dur] As if there would be any clues in there! [Looks disgustedly at Dur] The murderer, who bore a startling resembelance to Pestillence, jumped out of the bedroom window. Perhaps we should check to see if her dropped anything or left some clues, footprints perhaps. The impact of his landing must have been considerable.
Dur: [Defensively] You never know! Women hide all kinds of stuff in that drawer! [Coughs uncomfortably] I mean... so I've been told.
Alice: I used to hide stuff there, but it kept getting sto- hey!
Lee: [To Jack] Easy, my friend. Let them go outside if they wish. And if they need to go through her unmentionables, possibly rubbing their faces in silky goodness, well, that's just fine too.
Harvey: [Blushing furiously] We most certainly will not!
Jack: Whatever. Pervert.
Lee: Well, murderers, upstairs or outside?
Austin : [To Lee] We are not murderers, nor have we ever been accused or convicted of such a henious crime, or crimes. Please decist from refering to us as such!
Chastity: That's not entirely true. We have been accused of various heinous crimes in our time. Thankfully, none could ever be proven.
Lee: Come on. Let's look outside.
[Exit ALL except ROBERT.]
Robert: [Taking out a pair of silky unmentionables and rubbing them all over his face] Num num num num!
End of scene, next one coming right upLast form me #4.83
[Book VI, Act III, Scene V. Outside Lucy's window. ALICE, AUSTIN, CHASTITY, CLINT, DUR, HARVEY, LEE and JACK are here. The window is upstairs, and there is a lawn beneath it, although there is really no sign that anyone leapt from a great height onto it.]
Alice: What are we looking for?
Clint: An excuse for me to deck those two?
Dur: Clues of course! [Pulls out a magnifying glass excitedly] Oh I love playing detective!
Alice: [Looks Dur up and down] And I can see you clearly have none!
Lee: [Surveys the scene] If it was a Custos-Clementine, he managed to leave very few tracks.
Austin : [Scours the lawn carefully] Well, presuming that Pestillence did jump from the window, and did not climb down [Looks to see if there is something that Pestillence could have climed on] Then one might expect there to be heavily indented footprints in the lawn, where he landed.
Austin : [Looking interested] Custos-Clementine, who on earth is he?
Lee: They. They're a bunch of weirdoes. One of them looks like Pestilence.
Clint: And where can we find these freaks? They might know what's going on here!
Lee: They're hanging out in a warehouse over on Bruise Boulevard. We tried to get a warrant but all the judge said was "let go of my testicles."
Austin : [Frowns. To the party] Was that the ratty looking old warehouse we passed eariler, on our way here?
Alice: No, I think that was on Gash Street. [To Lee] Are they close?
Lee: Fairly. Gash is two blocks to the East of Bruise. Bruise is between here and there.
Alice: Bruise is between lacerate and gash?
Alice: [Thinks for a moment] Hm.
Lee: Yes, you'd think that would be funny, wouldn't you?
Alice: Yes, but it's not.
Austin : No. [Looks at the rest of the party]
Harvey: [Sighs nostalgically] These crazy modern names! Whatever happened to Primrose Path and Mockingbird Lane?!
Lee: Bulldozed to make space for Puke Place Shopping Mall.
Harvey: [Disgusted] Typical!
Lee: We can't come with you, I'm afraid. Can't come within 200 feet.
Austin : [To Lee] Why on earth not?
Clint: Don't question good luck, lawyer!
Lee: Because those bastards twist the law to suit themselves. Illegal search my ass.
Alice: Ew! No thanks!
Harvey: Damn ambulance-chasing rodents! [To the party] Right, now let's be on our way, troop!
[The party head off, leaving everyone else there, and make their way towards the warehouse.]
Alice: [As the party pass the warehouse where Junior was left] Should we pick up Junior?
Austin : [To Alice] I am not so sure that Junior is who he claims to =20 be. He may be Pestillence in disguise, or in league with him at the =20 very least. [Sighs] At the trailer park he appeared to be an idiot at =20 first, but then we founf out that he had arrange the trailers in a =20 'help' formation, but also could leave the shield if he wanted to. =20 More than a little odd. [Ponders] He was also very insistent the he =20 come back here with us, only to insist that he did not accompany us to =20 the Angel's house, for fear of being arrested. Why did he not just =20 stay away completely? He obviously had a different agenda. [Checks his =20 nails in a smug but nonchalant manner]
Harvey: Perhaps we'd better distance ourself from him, troop, at least until we get to the bottom of this murder business?
Dur: He could come in handy as a diversion in necessary...
Alice: So, that's a no?
Austin : [To Alice] Perhaps it is better to keep our enemies closer?
Dur: [Nervously] But then they are close enough to stab us at their own leisure! I always thought it best to run the other way until you can no longer see your enemies!
Alice: You think it's best to run away from everyone! Is he really our enemy? He did save our lives back in the trailer park, after all. And I know, he's not an idiot, but really, we have enough idiots already, don't we?
Austin : [To Alice] He could have set the whole thing up in the trailer park, to delay us and then ingratiate himself to us, by apparently saving us.
Alice: True, and we spent so much time dealing with that fool Jack who rear ended us he'd probably have had enough time to get in and kill poor old Lucy. Then again, could he be responsible for her still being alive? Why would he even do that?
Clint: [Rubbing his temples.] You guys talk too much!
Actually, that would be the boss. I've just left an impromptu meeting that ran from 9:00 to 12:30 my time. Egads!
Alice: Yeah? Well, you don't talk enough! [Thinks for a moment] Actually, you talk plenty. Now that I think about it, you talk way too much. Shut up, Clint.
Harvey: [Exasperated] Cease this bickering, troop! These are grim days, with Pestilence reappearing from the dead and Lucy rejoining the dead! We should all be sober, reflective and grave, like the boys were back at the Battle of Pigeon Hollow, when all those rifles backfired, our shoes fell apart, and [grimly] the hardtack went moldly.
Alice: This isn't bickering!
Dur: Oh yes it is!
Chastity: Oh no it's not!
Alice: Oh yes it is!
Clint: Oh not it's not!
Chastity: Oh yes it is!
Alice: Oh no it's not - well, maybe it is a little, but all we're trying to do is figure out if Junior should come with us. After all, he's the only other person who saw Pestilence.
Harvey: Well, I don't see why we can't examine the murder scene without his assistance, but then again your dear old uncle only has 50 years of leadership and military experience more than you, niece! [Pauses] Wait a minute! [To Alice] Do as you're told, young lady! We go it alone! We can pick him up later [crosses his arms defiantly].
Alice: Yes, Uncle Harvey. [Pauses] Wait a minute! [To Harvey] We're not even going to the murder scene! We're going to the Custos-Clementine place! [Crosses her arms defiantly]
Austin : [Gets into the carriage. To Alice] Would you care to drive?
Harvey: [Beaming, boards the carriage] Capital idea, niece! That's the Short genius for strategy for you!
Alice: [To Austin] Yes! Thank you! Now, finally, we're going to have a bit more direction! [Pauses] Where are we going again?
All: [Exasperated] The warehouse!
Alice: But which one? Do we pick Junior up first or not?
Austin : [Smirks] If only it were longer.
Alice: Better than sleazy genius! [Drives off] Let's pick him up after. [Turns around, blithely unaware that the carriage is driving down a footpath, sending people diving for cover] Do we really think he killed his family? Those cops didn't seem too smart.
Harvey: He seemed like a fine enough chap to me, [narrows his eyes suspiciously] though perhaps a bit too eager to don ladies' clothing.
Alice: Don't be such a fuddy duddy, Uncle H! It's the eighties, it's not that unusual for men to cross the gender line. Come on, don't tell me you never wondered what it would be like to try on Jasmine's unmentionables!
Austin : [Glances from Harvey to Alice] You'd have to join the que ...[Stops himself quickly. Outspoken] I doubt very much that they would fit, after all, Jasmine was a slight and delicate lady, wereas the Colonel is of a robust and powerful physique.
Alice: [Nodding] Good point. Who's underwear would he wear, I wonder?
Harvey: [Offended, red-faced] Only my own dear wife's, of course!
Austin : [To Alice] I am quite sure that the colonel wears his own military regulation underwear. Are we nearly there yet?
Dur: But you don't know where they've been!
Alice: Oh? How do you know that?
Harvey: [Roaring] What?! How dare you, Private! Are you looking to join the ranks of Dishonorably Discharged Ex-Private Trindle?!
Alice: [Alarmed] Er, [suddenly looks behind Harvey and Dur] look! Fire!
Clint: [Alarmed.] Look! A pedestrian!
Austin : [Looks out of the carriage window] Where?
Alice: [Turns to look, and jams on the brakes] Aiiieee!!
[The carriage stops inches away from DEWEY, who stands there looking petrified.]
Dewey: You could have killed me!
Alice: Never mind that! [Points out the back window] Look! The warehouse where we left Junior is on fire!
Clint: What the... Turn this thing around and let's go rescue him, Bimbo!
Dur: Are we in the rescuing business now? I thought we were in the investigating business. =20 =20
Alice: Right! [Starts to turn the carriage but knocks Dewey down] Oh no!
Dewey: [Under the carriage] Ow!
Alice: What the hell were you doing standing in front of us?
Austin : [To Dewey] Terribly foolish place to stand, and rolling in the road as you presently are, is simply suicidal, not to mention ruinous to one's clothes. [Frowns at Dewey's clothes] If you clothes we not already ruined, of course.
Chastity: [Looks at the burning blaze] Oh my! I hope nobody is in there. Shall we call the Fire Brigade?
Clint: No, we should go rescue them ourselves! We're here, aren't we?
Dewey: [As the carriage drives away, with the back wheels hitting him one more time] Whyyyyy? [The carriage pulls up outside the warehouse, which is engulfed in flames. JUNIOR is sitting on the ground near it, coughing.]
Alice: I hope there's no one else in there! We'd never get them out!
Austin : [To Junior] Who set the warehouse on fire?
Junior: [Looks up at Austin, with a wretched look on his face] You're going to think I'm crazy, but I swear to God it was Pestilence!
Dur: [Looks to the party] I thought we already thought he was crazy?
Clint: You're sure you aren't confusing him with yourself?
Alice: Yes, he is very dirty from soot and smoke.
Austin : [To Junior] How do we know that you are not Pestillence in disguise? [Checks his nails] Not that that would make any difference.
Junior: What? What are you talking about?
Harvey: [Cajoling] Come on, be a good sport! If you're Pestilence, you're proud of it anyway, right? And if you're not, well, we'll all have a good laugh about it later, together!
Junior: If I am Pestilence I don't know about it! The fucker killed my family! How can I prove it to you? [A little desperately] Surely you people have some sort of lie detector test? Maybe we could visit some sort of crusty local magician type and they could test?
Harvey: Well, I don't know of any crusty local magicians!
Alice: We passed a magic shop earlier that seemed to be owned by a guy called Krusty McKrustyson. I wonder if he's crusty.
Harvey: [Pats Alice's head fondly] Ah, trusting youth! Don't you know by now that there's never any truth in advertising?! You mark my words, this fellow will be cucumber sandwiches with the crusts cut OFF!
Alice: [Confused] But you love cucumber sandwiches with the crusts cut off!
Austin : [To Junior] It was only a question, and as I said it doesn't really matter.
Austin : [Rolls his eyes] Colonel, shall we go and find somewhere good to eat? You must be famished [Casually checks his nails] Can't have one's troops marching on empty stomachs, etcetra. [Gazes at the flames]
Junior: Uh, okay. [To Austin] Are you a paedophile that injects heroin into puppies eyes?
Austin : [To Junior, alarmed] Pestillence does that?SnVuaW9yOiBObywgSSB3YXMganVzdCB3b25kZXJpbmcgaWYgeW91IGRpZC4gTm90IHRoYXQgaXQg cmVhbGx5IG1hdHRlcnMuDQpTZW50IGZyb20gbXkgQmxhY2tCZXJyea4gd2lyZWxlc3MgaGFuZGhl bGQNCg0KLS0tLS1PcmlnaW5hbCBNZXNzYWdlLS0tLS0NCkZyb206IGRqb2JAc3RhZmZtYWlsLmVk LmFjLnVrDQoNCkRhdGU6IEZyaSwgMDcgTWFyIDIwMDggMTI6MTE6MTUgDQpUbzpDb25vciBSeWFu IDxjb25vci5yQGdtYWlsLmNvbT4NCkNjOkhlYXRoZXIgPGhlYXRoZXIuZ29nZ2Fuc0BnbWFpbC5j b20+LCBUb20gSGVuZGVyc29uPHRoZzhyZ3V5QHlhaG9vLmNvbT4sICAgICAgICJEYXksIEtldmlu IFIuIChMYXMgQ29saW5hcykgTkEiPEtldmluLkRheUBoYW5zb24uYml6PiwgICAgICAgIkRvYmVr LCBQYXVsIiA8cGF1bC5kb2Jla0BjaXRpLmNvbT4sIHBkb2Jla0BnbWFpbC5jb20sICAgICAgIGJl YXRteWFjZXNAeWFob28uY29tLCBxdmJsb2dnZXJAZ21haWwuY29tDQpTdWJqZWN0OiBbcXZdIDAz LjA1LjA2Ng0KDQoNCkxhc3QgZnJvbSBDb25vciAjNjUNCj4NCj4gSnVuaW9yOiBVaCwgb2theS4g W1RvIEF1c3Rpbl0gQXJlIHlvdSBhIHBhZWRvcGhpbGUgdGhhdCBpbmplY3RzIGhlcm9pbg0KPiBp bnRvIHB1cHBpZXMgZXllcz8NCg0KQXVzdGluIDogW1RvIEp1bmlvciwgYWxhcm1lZF0gUGVzdGls bGVuY2UgZG9lcyB0aGF0Pw0KDQotLSANClRoZSBVbml2ZXJzaXR5IG9mIEVkaW5idXJnaCBpcyBh IGNoYXJpdGFibGUgYm9keSwgcmVnaXN0ZXJlZCBpbg0KU2NvdGxhbmQsIHdpdGggcmVnaXN0cmF0 aW9uIG51bWJlciBTQzAwNTMzNi4NCg0KDQo= matters.
Dur: I think we're getting into an odd line of questioning... not that it really matters.
Austin : [Looks at Junior with disdain] No I don't. What a stupid thing to say. [Looks at Juniors burns] Perhaps Dr Dur can give you something for those burns. [Hands Junior a flask water]
Clint: [Claps Junior on the back.] You're alright with me, kid. Ignore the lawyer - he just watched his fiance get brutally murdered for the second time. You know how it is.
Dur: [Sarcastically] Oh sure! As if they made some kind of magical cream that you could rub on burns to ease the pain and expedite the healing process!
Alice: I know, Dur! Next they'll be claiming there's some sort of invention to put over cuts to stop them from getting infected!
Junior: [Takes the water from Austin] It is stupid. Almost as stupid as you suggesting I'm Pestilence.
Clint: Besides, lawyer, no way he had time to get from here to Lucy's house before she bought it.
Alice: Well, actually, he did, what with Jack having delayed us and all.
Clint: Oh. Hmm. I guess it's Krusty McKrustyson for us then!
Alice: Right! Let's go. [To Junior] There's still a small fire on your habit.
Junior: [Checks it out] Ah, it'll be fine. It helps keep me warm. [Exit ALL.][Book VI, Act III, Scene VI. Outside Krusty McKrustyson's shop. ALICE, AUSTIN, CHASTITY, CLINT, DUR, HARVEY and JUNIOR (still in disguise) are here, standing outside the shop. Suddenly, the door swings open, and they see KRUSTY MCKRUSTYSON standing in the doorway.]
Krusty: Ah! My friends! I sense that you have a question to ask!
Harvey: Quite right, good sir! We were told that you're [hesitates] er, some kind of psychic clown who can accurately predict the past!
Krusty: [Flamboyantly waves his hands in front of him in a mysterious fashion] Not only that, my good sir, but also too the present!
Clint: [Skeptically] Oh, yeah? What am I thinking right now, Chuckles?
Krusty: Something along the lines of whatever that clown says, I'll say he's wrong. [Thinks for a moment] Oh, and also something along the lines of I wonder what those satin pink ones would feel like.
Austin : [Looks dissapointed. Dryly] I am glad that Lucy's underwear draw has changed so many lives.
Krusty: I don't think you are, my friend, I don't think you're glad at all! Now come on in, friends, come on in!
Clint: Hell, you're a psychic, you now why we're here - do we have to go in? Can't you just answer our question?
So apparently, I have minor amounts of free time this morning. It won't last, but I wanted to say hello and all. Silly conference season!
Krusty: Ah, but which question do you want me to answer? I can't completely read your minds, and I don't want to simply start blurting out things that you are thinking about just in case you don't want the others to hear about it. I mean, what would happen if I started to talk about that [smiles] girl in Dementia?
Clint: [Startled.] Girl in Dementia? What girl in Dementia? There was no girl in Dementia. I don't know what you're talking about! [Quickly.] Anyway, we just want to know if Junior is Pestilence. You know, just in case.
Krusty: Okay. [Turns to Alice] Are you Pestilence?
Alice: No! I'm not even Junior!
Krusty: [Laughs] Don't worry, I was just funnin' with you! [Turns to Junior, with a serious look] Are you Pestilence? [Holds on to Junior's head]
Krusty: He's telling the truth.
Austin : [To Krusty] Do you know aanything about someone called Clementine?Clementine?
Dur: And don't tell us about the hill!
Krusty: Clementine? I'm afraid not, although I bet the Custos-Clementines know something.
Harvey: Well, we thank you, good sir clown! [To the group] Come on, troop, let's be off to these so-called Custos-Clementinianites!
Krusty: Well, there is the small matter of the fee.
Alice: Oh, that's okay, we won't charge you anything.
Krusty: Uh, that's not what I meant.
Dur: Well, what did you mean? You're the mind reader here, not us.
Alice: [Does a double take on Dur] Hey! That's just what I was going to say! How did you do that?
Dur: Maybe I AM a mind reader!
Alice: Wow! [Gives him a piece of silver] Do it again! Do it again!
Austin : [To Krusty] Who are these Custos-Clementine's you speak of?
Krusty: [Holds his hand out] A-ahem!
Dur: [Looks to be concentrating] This guy [points to Krusty] Is worried we're going to try to run of without paying!
Alice: [Applauds] Whoo-hoo! Amazing!
Harvey: [To Krusty] But how do we know you're really reading the present? Why, anyone could say anything and charge for it! Where's the proof?
Krusty: I know who Francis Crickleton is.
Austin : [Frowns] Who, Nambu's mother?
Harvey: [Abruptly] Enough of this nonsense! [Hands Krusty five silver pieces] Here, take it, charlatan! We must be on our way and have no time for this flim flammery!
Austin : [To Harvey] Colonel, now that you have, er, crossed his palm with silver, he will tell us the answers to our questions. We might as well hear what he has to say now that you have paid!
Krusty: What is it that you want to know? Assuming that you have time for such [theatrically takes off his hat and bows down low] flimflammification, of course.
Austin : [To Krusty, sighs] Who are the Custo-Clementines, where are they and what do they have to do with us? Who is this 'Francis' you speak of and why is it important? How did Lucy Angel come back to life the last time she was murdered?
Krusty: [Sighs in an almost identical manner to Austin] I don't know. In a warehouse close by. [Shrugs] Idunno. You need to talk to your Colonel about Francis. [Shrugs once again] I don't know.
Alice: Oh for God's sake! What kind of mind reader are you?
Krusty: One who reads minds.
Clint: Hey, so if we bring one of those Crusty Clementine guys to you, you can read his mind and tell us their evil plan?
so I'm late - at least I'm kinda sorta contributing from New Orleans!
Austin : [Ignoring Clint. Calmy to Krusty] What did I do to deserve my Fiancee being murdered twice?
Chastity: [Interrupting. To Austin] I don't know. What did you do?
Krusty: [Looks at Chastity for a moment and then back to Austin] I don't know. I'm a mind reader. Let me see. [Closes his eyes and thinks hard] Hm, well, that doesn't make much sense.
Harvey: What doesn't make sense?!
Krusty: I just asked my spirit guide, a fluffy bunny named Buffy Flunny, and -
[KRUSTY glares at ALICE and CLINT who are stifling sniggers.]
Krusty: And Buffy says that the reason Lucy was brought back to life is [emphasis] because you suffered.
Austin : [Frown] You are right. That doesn't make sense. But thank you anyway. [Gazes out of the window]
Krusty: Buffy is worried for your well being, for all of you. Something about an infection? And a pattern?
Harvey: Agreed, Private Sleaze! Everyone knows bunnies are for eating, not for guiding!
Austin : [To Krusty, quickly] Yes, indeed, take a look [Turns his back on Krusty and shows him the mark] It is most concerning, as none of us know how we got them, or what they are.
Krusty: Ew! [Gets down and takes a closer look] When did they appear?
Austin : [To Krusty] I am not exactly sure. A few months ago perhaps? [Looks towards Alice. To Krusty] Do you know anything about it?
Alice: Actually it was only a week ago, Aus, in Queens View, but we did see them in those dreams about the sacrifices for months before that.
Krusty: Only that I'm glad I don't have one! What HAVE you people been doing?
Austin : [To Krusty] Why? What is it, what does in mean?
Krusty: I don't know, it just looks disgusting!
Harvey: That much, we knew! Troop, this man clearly has nothing more to tell us. Let us go and see the Custard Clemintonians!
Dur: [Still practicing his amateur mind reading skills] I knew you were going to say that!=20 were
Chastity: [Sighs] And we all knew that you were going to say something pointless.
Alice: [Dismayed] I didn't!
Clint: Somehow, I'm not surprised. [To Krusty.] Anyway, thanks for the info, clown.
Krusty: No problem, Clown.
[Book VI, Act III, Scene VII. Outside the warehouse. ALICE, AUSTIN, CHASTITY, CLINT, DUR, HARVEY and JUNIOR are here, outside the other warehouse.]
Alice: So, is Junior going to come in with us?
Austin : [To Alice] Why don't you ask him?
Alice: [To Junior] Are you going to come in with us?
Junior: Why don't you ask him?
Alice: [Sighs and turns to Austin] Well?
Austin : [Exasperated] I am not a mind reader! [To Junior] Do you want to come with us or not? It is your choice, not mine.
Alice: [To Dur] Well? Does Austin want him to come or not?
Junior: [Shrugs] That's not the question she asked. You know I want to come. You're the one who seemed to think I was Pestilence.
Dur: I think Austin thinks Junior is secretly Pestilence where as Junior, I think, just wants to try on more ladies clothing.
Austin : [Rolls his eyes] And I said even if you were Pestillence I don't mind wether you come or not! Since you are not Pestillence perhaps you want to come, perhaps you don't! [Pauses] Traveling with us can be dangerous, we have fought all manner of evils, from Despots to Demons, from estranged women to Womens groups against ... [Ponders] Well whatever. [Hastely] And we are often in the field, miles away from the nearest tailor or restaurant! [Looks satisfied]
Junior: Pestilence killed my wife and family! If you guys have any chance of finding him of course I want to be with you, and if there's more women's clothing to try on, well, that wouldn't be too awful either.
Harvey: Then fall in, Cadet Junior! But keep your disturbing fetishes to yourself--don't ask, don't tell, that's my motto!
Austin : [To Junior] Good, you are comming then. [To Harvey] The troop is ready to move out, colonel [Checks his nails casually]
Chastity: [To Junior] And we are guided by the light of the wondrous Phili. With such a power on our side, we are sure to succeed in our quest to rid the world of evil. The road to salvation is rocky, but our resolve is strong. Plus we have solid footwear. [Shows off her sandals]=20
Dur: That's the same as your wife's! Must be a family motto.
Alice: Uh oh! This is gonna be good!
Harvey: [To Dur, roaring] What?! How dare you speak so familiarly about the wife of your commanding officer! Private, this is your second warning. Once more and you'll be court-martialed, drawn and quartered, and drop-kicked back to the Quack Factory!!!
Austin : [Looks mockingly alarmed] Factory! He's mass produced! [Smirks]
Dur: [Looks nervous] I think you misunderstood colonel... [Stammering] What I meant was, as the wife of such a prestigious military officer, she must go by the same motto's as you do. After all, her family could be called her 'troop' and she's surely in charge when you go off on these long missions that take you far from home for undetermined periods of time.
Alice: [Folds her arms with a sceptical look, turning to Austin] I don't know. I'm not buying it!
Harvey: [Incredulously, to Dur] A woman, in charge of a troop?! That's quite enough of your feathery nonsense, Private!
Austin : [Raises and eyebrow. To Alice] I would not buy anything from him.
Clint: [Impatiently.] Hey, as great as it is focusing on the doc's quackery, shouldn't we be doing something productive? Like taking out those Custard Clementones?
Austin : [To Clint] Perhaps we should first establish who, exactly the Custo-Clementines are, before we [Does anoying finger quotes] 'take them out', Mr Scar.
Alice: Take them out where? For a fancy meal? Getting them tell their story over surf 'n turf? Getting them to perform [finger quotes] special kisses in the back of our carriage and then not calling them the next day? [Thinks for a moment] It's just so crazy it might work!
Harvey: [Baffled] Niece, henceforth you had best stay further away from Private Quack! I fear his rambling mania is infecting you!
Alice: Oh come on, Uncle Harvey! You know full well that we Shorts are virtually immune from any sort of brain infection.
Dur: [Insulted] Excuse me good sir, but my mania is far from rambling!
Alice: If only!TGFzdCBmcm9tIG1lIDIxDQoNCkFsaWNlOiBJIHNhaWQsIGlmIG9ubHkhIFtQYXVzZXMgZXhwZWN0 YW50bHldDQoNClNlbnQgZnJvbSBteSBCbGFja0JlcnJ5riB3aXJlbGVzcyBoYW5kaGVsZA0KDQot LS0tLU9yaWdpbmFsIE1lc3NhZ2UtLS0tLQ0KRnJvbTogIkNvbm9yIFJ5YW4iIDxjb25vci5yQGdt YWlsLmNvbT4NCg0KRGF0ZTogV2VkLCAxMiBNYXIgMjAwOCAxNDowOTo0NCANClRvOkhlYXRoZXIg PGhlYXRoZXIuZ29nZ2Fuc0BnbWFpbC5jb20+DQpDYzoiVG9tIEhlbmRlcnNvbiIgPHRoZzhyZ3V5 QHlhaG9vLmNvbT4sIGRqb2JAc3RhZmZtYWlsLmVkLmFjLnVrLCAiRGF5LCBLZXZpbiBSLiAoTGFz IENvbGluYXMpIE5BIiA8S2V2aW4uRGF5QGhhbnNvbi5iaXo+LCAiRG9iZWssIFBhdWwiIDxwYXVs LmRvYmVrQGNpdGkuY29tPiwgcGRvYmVrQGdtYWlsLmNvbSwgYmVhdG15YWNlc0B5YWhvby5jb20s IHF2YmxvZ2dlckBnbWFpbC5jb20NClN1YmplY3Q6IFtxdl0gMDMuMDcuMDIxDQoNCg0KTGFzdCBm cm9tIG1lIGFuZCBLZXZpbiAjMjANCg0KPiAgQWxpY2U6IE9oIGNvbWUgb24sIFVuY2xlIEhhcnZl eSEgWW91IGtub3cgZnVsbCB3ZWxsIHRoYXQgd2UgU2hvcnRzIGFyZQ0KPiAgdmlydHVhbGx5IGlt bXVuZSBmcm9tIGFueSBzb3J0IG9mIGJyYWluIGluZmVjdGlvbi4NCj4NCj4gIER1cjogW0luc3Vs dGVkXSBFeGN1c2UgbWUgZ29vZCBzaXIsIGJ1dCBteSBtYW5pYSBpcyBmYXIgZnJvbSByYW1ibGlu ZyENCg0KQWxpY2U6IElmIG9ubHkhDQo=
Austin : [Still gazing out of the window, frowns as a tumbleweed blow by, then turns to the party] Right then, shall we pay a visit to these Custos-Clementines?QWxpY2U6IFtHZXN0dXJpbmcgdG8gdGhlIHdhcmVob3VzZV0gV2VsbCwgd2UgYXJlIGhlcmUuIEhv dyBhcmUgd2UgZ29pbmcgdG8gYXBwcm9hY2ggdGhlc2U/IENsaW50J3Mgc3VnZ2VzdGlvbiBhYm91 dCB0YWtpbmcgdGhlbSBvdXQgdG8gZGlubmVyIGRpZG4ndCBzZWVtIHRvIGdldCBtdWNoIHN1cHBv cnQuDQpTZW50IGZyb20gbXkgQmxhY2tCZXJyecKuIHdpcmVsZXNzIGhhbmRoZWxkDQoNCi0tLS0t T3JpZ2luYWwgTWVzc2FnZS0tLS0tDQpGcm9tOiBkam9iQHN0YWZmbWFpbC5lZC5hYy51aw0KDQpE YXRlOiBXZWQsIDEyIE1hciAyMDA4IDE2OjI0OjAwIA0KVG86Y29ub3IuckBnbWFpbC5jb20NCkNj OkhlYXRoZXIgPGhlYXRoZXIuZ29nZ2Fuc0BnbWFpbC5jb20+LCBUb20gSGVuZGVyc29uPHRoZzhy Z3V5QHlhaG9vLmNvbT4sICAgICAgICJEYXksIEtldmluIFIuIChMYXMgQ29saW5hcykgTkEiPEtl dmluLkRheUBoYW5zb24uYml6PiwgICAgICAgIkRvYmVrLCBQYXVsIiA8cGF1bC5kb2Jla0BjaXRp LmNvbT4sIHBkb2Jla0BnbWFpbC5jb20sICAgICAgIGJlYXRteWFjZXNAeWFob28uY29tLCBxdmJs b2dnZXJAZ21haWwuY29tDQpTdWJqZWN0OiBbcXZdIDAzLjA3LjAyMw0KDQoNCkxhc3QgZnJvbSBo aW0gMjINCj4NCj4gQWxpY2U6IEkgc2FpZCwgaWYgb25seSEgW1BhdXNlcyBleHBlY3RhbnRseV0N Cg0KQXVzdGluIDogW1N0aWxsIGdhemluZyBvdXQgb2YgdGhlIHdpbmRvdywgZnJvd25zIGFzIGEg dHVtYmxld2VlZCBibG93ICANCmJ5LCB0aGVuIHR1cm5zIHRvIHRoZSBwYXJ0eV0gUmlnaHQgdGhl biwgc2hhbGwgd2UgcGF5IGEgdmlzaXQgdG8gdGhlc2UgIA0KQ3VzdG9zLUNsZW1lbnRpbmVzPw0K DQoNCg0KLS0gDQpUaGUgVW5pdmVyc2l0eSBvZiBFZGluYnVyZ2ggaXMgYSBjaGFyaXRhYmxlIGJv ZHksIHJlZ2lzdGVyZWQgaW4NClNjb3RsYW5kLCB3aXRoIHJlZ2lzdHJhdGlvbiBudW1iZXIgU0Mw MDUzMzYuDQoNCg0K going to didn't
Chastity: We must confront them directly rather than plying them with food. Wouldn't you agree Colonel?
Alice: Makes sense. We don't even know what food they like. [Peers in the door] Huh. That's weird.
Chastity: [Tries to peer into the doorway] What? [Walks through the door]
Austin : [Peers in behind Alice] What is weird?
Alice: The whole warehouse is completely empty, except for that one armchair, look!
[She's right. The place is completely empty. At the far end is a huge, plush armchair. There is a man sitting there reading a book. It isn't possible to see who he is, but he has long black hair and unusually pale skin, not entirely dissimilar to PESTILENCE. The book is "The Illustrated Adventures of Garfried" (a popular cartoon cat who features in all of ALICE's favourite books.]
Austin : [Knocks on the door] Hello. [Looks to see if this man in the chair has blood on him from murdering Lucy, again]
[The MAN doesn't answer or look up from his book, but waves the party in. If he does have blood on him, the party don't see it.]
Harvey: [Tentatively] Hello, there. We are the Queens View party, and we wish to speak to the Custos-Clementinians. Are you [hesitates] one?
Man: [Still not looking up from behind the book] Yes. [Beckons them forward again]
Harvey: Er, capital! [Cautiously] We were told you know a young lady named Lucy Angel. Could you tell us where we might find her?
Austin : [Cautiously looks around for any signs of an ambush or mugging, holding back a little. To Alice] Terribly rude to continue reading when on has visitors, don't you think?
Alice: He's just showing off!
Man: [Still behind the book] She's dead. [Beckons once more]
Harvey: [To Booker McBookerson, hand on sword] How dreadful! What happened to her?
Man: [Roars laughing at his book, taking a good few seconds to calm down] Oh, that Garfried! He really is one crazy lasagne eating cat. [Calms down] You know what happened to her.
Alice: [To the party] Uh, should we rush him? The question is, do we try and get around the back of him or race across that suspiciously large and comfortable looking carpet that's right in front of him?
Harvey: [Sword out] Avoid the carpet, troop! Chaaaaarge! [Attempts to grab the Man]
Austin : [Looks suprised, and swiftly gets out his sling shot and loads it ready to fire] What!
Alice: [Draws her sword too] Er, charge? [Runs around the opposite side to Harvey] [The man stands up, holding his book down at his side. This is GENESIS, who, although he looks quite like PESTILENCE is clearly a different person. As the party get closer to the carpet, they can see that it has the pattern that appears on their backs on it. It will take another few seconds to get to him, as they had to give the carpet a wide berth.]
Genesis: Oh no! Now I'll never know if Garfried will get outsmart OD!
Austin : [Shoots at Genesis] Murdering wretch!
Dur: [Pulling his dagger and skirting the carpet] To be fair, we still don't know that this man killed Lucy at all.
Genesis: [Sneaks a quick look at the book] Phew! He does! [Dives towards the carpet]
[Just as AUSTIN's bullet is about to hit him, GENESIS makes contact with the carpet and dives right in. The surface shimmers a bit, but maintains the pattern. Very quickly, it goes solid again.]
Dur: [Crouching to examine the carpet] That's odd... I didn't know carpets could do that...
Alice: We had a carpet like that when I was young. [Thinks for a moment] We used to call it the swimming pool. [Makes a face] I wasn't allowed use because - uh, someone once did a poo in it.
Harvey: [Defensively] You TOLD me it was a bidet!
Alice: I'm just glad you didn't do THAT in a bidet!
Harvey: [Confused] But isn't "bidet" Elvish for latrine?!
Alice: No! It's Rich for arse washer, or [gestures to Dur] Poor for drinking fountain.
Harvey: Aha! That explains why the Fitz-Wallingford's never invited us back for bridge night! [To the party] Now, troop, what do we make of this fantastical carpet?! [Attempts to drop a used hanky into the carpet]
Austin : [Grimaces at Alice. Picks up the book to see what Genesis was looking at] I wonder what he was looking at?
Alice: [Joins Austin, looking over his shoulder] Oh! That's one of my favourites! It's the one where Garfried does something mean to OD and gets to eat all the lasagne!
[The book appears to be a genuine comic book. ALICE and AUSTIN quickly look up as the hanky lands with a distinct splash. However, it simply sits there.]
Alice: Uh, how about using a clean, or even dry hanky?
Dur: Ha! As if the rich bastards ever let us near their fancy water fountains.
Alice: Well, someone has to clean the Dur. They are full of big bits of poo, after all!
Austin : [Looks at Alice briefly to see if she has some meaningful conclusion to her statement, then turns away, looking dissapointed] Well, perhaps the marks on our back allow us to pass through the carpet just as Genesis did. Alternatively we could have a look at what ever is downstairs. [Points at the staircase]
I'll be AFK from the 19th March - 21st April, might get a few posts in! Thailand (Conference :o)) Holiday and the France, holiday.
Alice: Perhaps, but what would be waiting there for us?
Yeeesh! Some conference!
Austin : [To ALice] We will never know if we do not go and find out.
Alice: [Bows down] After you.
Austin : [Looks snootily at Alice, with a smirk] Let us hope that there no swimming pool in the basement. [Carefully checks the staircase for traps etc as hs proceeds]
Alice: Why? In case you're seized by an overwhelming urge to poo in it?
[AUSTIN starts down the staircase slowly, followed by ALICE and HARVEY, then DUR and CLINT, and finally CHASTITY. It is pitch dark at the bottom of the stairs.]
Austin : [To Alice] Do you have a torch?
Alice: Sure do. [Takes it out but immediately drops it, sending it bouncing down the stairs.] See? That's why I always carry two. [Takes out another one and lights it, although it seems to cast a surprisingly small amount of light]
Austin : [Proceeds further down the stairs, checking as he goes] Got any more torches?
Austin will pick up the dropped torch if he can find it.
Harvey: [To Alice] Dear girl, where did you get this torch?! [Scratches a sideburn] Surely we can improve this whole light situation. Let's see--I've got a pair of socks that need mending. Mr. Scar, have you any alcohol?
[Everyone offers HARVEY a drink, ranging from CLINT's beer, to AUSTIN's dainty hip flask, to DUR's medical supplies, to ALICE's Macardi Mreezer and to CHASTITY's Buckie.]
Alice: This is hardly the time to mend socks, Uncle H!
Now DON'T tell me you don't know what Buckie is!
Austin : We could do with more light.
Of course they do, who hasn't heard of the da Vinci code and the holy grail!
Alice: [Puzzled] Uh, okay, I guess it is a good time to mend socks. Chastity!
Harvey: [Patiently] Let's soak my socks in the strongest alcohol we have and fortify your torch, or make a new one if anyone has a handy stick?
Tom's sleeping in today?
Clint: Good idea, Harv. I'll do the taste test!
Austin : Let us pray that those socks do not smell so bad when they burn.
Alice: [Appalled] Is he really going to taste the socks?
Austin : [To Alice] Knowing Mr Scar's obsession with other peoples undergarments, why are you so suprised?
Clint: [Gives a burp] It's okay, I filled up on Alice's underpants earlier.
Austin : [Looks green at the thought. Turns back to the stairs and proceeds downwards, checking carefully] Right. Best be moving on.
Harvey: [To Clint] That's quite enough of your lurid suggestions, Private Scar! My dear niece would never permit a man to consume her underpants outside of marriage.
Chastity: Let me see if can shed any light on this matter. [Attempts to cast a "light" spell]
[CHASTITY's spell makes small difference, but nothing major.]
Harvey: [Uneasy] Stay close together, troop! There is something unholy and unnatural about this darkness if even the good Sister can't penetrate it!
Clint: Doesn't the fact that it seems to be immune to torches sort of give that away already, Harv?
not so much sleeping in as (a) sick and (b) having to deal with getting back home to find that my car was broken into while I was gone. God bless America!
Austin : [Smirks as he continues to check as he decends] It does seem to be a rather long way down, for a warehouse.
Alice: Chastity shines brighter than any torch!
New map, with torchlight!
Clint: Down here, that's not saying much! No offense, Chas.
Austin : Where as our location has, unfortunately, not dampend your body odour, Mr Scar.
cp: cannot stat `qv2.html': No such file or directory
grep: temp.qv2: No such file or directory
grep: /tmp/1: No such file or directory /var/www/html/queens-view/Resources/smallstrip: 7: cannot create /tmp1: Permission denied
cp: cannot stat `/tmp1': No such file or directory
Alice: At least it'll stop him from sneaking up behind us in the dark, Aus!
Paddy's Day here tomorrow, so no posting from me....
Austin : [To Alice] Perhaps there there are gods, after all. [Smirks]
I am away on hols until 21st April. Have fun!
Harvey: [To Austin, scolding] Watch the blasphemy, Private! There is a holy woman present, you know!
[There is a sudden howl from further down the stairs, like that from wind, and a freezing cold gust begins blowing at the party, causing the torch to flicker.]
Alice: Yeesh! What the hell is down there?
Harvey: Mind the torch, niece! There must be another exit down here.
Alice: [Turns her back to the direction of the wind] I'm not sure I can, Harv!
[The wind is getting stronger.]can, >Harv!
Dur: [Shielding his face] Who's bright idea was this?
Harvey: [To Dur] Dim idea, I think you meant! [Laughs uproariously]
Austin: [Squinting to see in the wind and the flickering light] Is that someone approaching us?
[The party can barely see between a combination of the light and wind, but there is someone a few steps down. This is LEVITICUS, a super confident looking type wearing a very fine suit. He seems unphazed by the wind.]
Leviticus: More like someone waiting for you to come to him.
Harvey: [To Leviticus, cagily] Waiting for us? How did you know to expect us?
Leviticus: Genesis told me. He's the one you tried to attack upstairs.
[LEVITICUS straightens his tie, as the flickering light casts some crazy shadows around, making it look like there are several people behind him.]
Dur: Attack? We just wanted to talk to him!
Leviticus: [Laughs out loud] Sure you did!
[The wind blows the torch out, and the party are plunged into darkness.]
Harvey: Stay close, troop! [To Leviticus] It was merely a misunderstanding, my good man. Your friend resembles a man we know to be a murderer!
[The light flickers again, revealing EXODUS, a man who's face is contorted with rage, standing in the middle of the party. He smashes AUSTIN over the head with a large club just as the it all goes dark again.]
Alice: Holy crap!
Tom's out today and tomorrow
Clint: [Swings his sword] Who the hell is that?
Harvey: [Sword ready] Villain! How dare you attack in the dark like a coward! Face us like a man!
[The light flickers on again, and ALICE gives a scream, as EXODUS stabs AUSTIN again.]
Alice: It's Pestilence!
Pestilence: [With a big smile] Hey everybody!
Leviticus: [Standing nonchalantly near the party, leaning against the banister] Come on, big guy.
Harvey: [Attempts to attack Exodus with his sword] Why don't you pick on someone you haven't already gutted, sick bastard?!
Clint: [Goes after Pestilence with his sword] What's with all the toadies? Did death slow you down, freak?
Exodus: Because this is more fun. [Smashes Austin on the head again, causing him to fall down]
[The light flickers again and the party are once more plunged into darkness.]
Pestilence: Hey! There's no need to be mean!
Dur: Who keeps playing with the lights?!
Harvey: [Still trying to stab Exodus] Sister, can you save Private Sleaze?!
Exodus: You have betrayed Clementine! [There's a sickening crunch as DUR gets smacked in the head, which is revealed when the lights come on one more time. This time the party can see GENESIS, but not LEVITICUS and PESTILENCE.]
Alice: [Hits Exodus with the torch] This'll make it work!
Chastity: If I can see him, Colonel!
Alice: [Holds the torch lower down, close to Austin] How about now? [Gets punched]
Dur: Ow! Where's that fancy foot work when you need it?
Alice: I don't even know who punched me! [Angrily] Was it you Dur? [Bam. Sound of another punch]
Dur: [Flailing about madly] Does it LOOK like I'm keeping track of who I'm hitting?
Clint: [To Dur] If you can't keep track, then stay out of the way, doc! [Punches wildly]
Alice: Well said, Cli- ow! [Gets punched]
End of Act - next one about to start riiiight up
[Book IV. Act I. Scene I. A dark and dank corridor. ALICE, CHASTITY, CLINT, DUR and HARVEY are here, all wearing strait jackets. There is some sort of loud speaker system here, and a voice is speaking, repeating the same thing every two minutes, followed by a fairly sickening thud from the far end of the corridor.]
Voice: 2, 42, 51, 91, 2, 123, 3, 9. [Thud]
Harvey: [Loud outraged whisper] Troop, why are you all out of uniform?!
Alice: Maybe we're not! What makes you think we're naked under these? [Turns and looks at Clint] You better not be!
Dur: [looks at the rest of the party, all in strait jackets] Actually, I think this might be the most "uniformed" ever.
Clint: [Winks] Click-click! [Scowls] Dammit, it's just not the same without the hand gesture!
Dur: [Nods in agreement] Thankfully! So just where the hell are we?
Alice: [To Clint] I can see you pointing through the jacket! [Thinks for a moment] Hey! That better be your finger!
Voice: 2, 42, 51, 91, 2, 123, 3, 9. [Thud]
Alice: [To Dur] I have no idea, but that voice is going to start to get real annoying real quick!
Harvey: [To Alice] Yes, and I lament the quality of public education these days! She isn't even counting properly. Not even close!
Chastity: At least she has good diction, Colonel. These young people today sadden me with their dropping of Gs and inability to pronounce TH.
Clint: [Snorts] Yeah, that's what we should be worried about. [Affecting a snooty accent] I say, what fork should I use to stab the pricks who put us in these straitjackets?
Alice: Which fork.
Harvey: [Stomach rumbles ominously] That's quite enough fork talk, troop! Now, can any of you move? [Tries to wiggle in his straitjacket]
Alice: I can move. [Shakes her head from side to side] See? I can even do it the other way. [Nods back and forth, but hits her head against the wall] Ow!
Voice: 2, 42, 51, 91, 2, 123, 3, 9. [Thud]
[The large door at the other end is unlocked, and starts to slowly open.]
Dur: [Wiggles a big toe] I can move!
Clint: Alright! Maybe now we'll get some answers! I'll jump into whoever that is and knock him over. Somebody sit on his arms, and we'll be set![Enter DOCTOR FIBULA, DOCTOR RADIUS and DOCTOR ULNA, three female doctors wearing scrubs, masks and hats, so that just their eyes are visible. They stride purposefully towards the party, but aren't yet close enough for CLINT to execute his fiendish plan.]
Alice: I can do that, Stinky. I'm good at sitting down. Sometimes I do it for days at a time.
Clint: Hell. It's been a while since I took on three at once with my hands tied behind my back!
Dur: [Opens his mouth to comment] ... [Closes it and looks thoughtful before opening it again] ...
Saying anything more would tarnish the brilliance of that last line, lol
Alice: [To Clint] I think these ones are women!
[The doctors get closer and bend over CHASTITY, examining her, looking in her eyes, forcing her mouth open and taking a look etc.]
Voice: 2, 42, 51, 91, 2, 123, 3, 9. [Thud]
Don't encourage him! Well, actually, do!
Harvey: [To Alice] I'm afraid I must correct you, dear niece. They are clearly doctors, and therefore must be men! [To the doctors, indignantly] Masked sirs, unhand the good Sister as of the now!
Dur: Be careful! She bites! [To Alice] You're the math genius, do those numbers mean anything to you? math sirs,
Clint: And while you're at it, get her back in her habit and out of that crazy suit!
Chastity: Eg or and out o I out! [The doctors turn to HARVEY and start a similar examination.]
Chastity: [Coughs] Well, I never!
Alice: [Alarmed] Nope! I've no idea what those numbers could mean!
Another bank holiday here today, and yet ANOTHER on Monday, so no posting from me until Tuesday
Harvey: [Sagely] No doubt they mean nothing! In my experience, numbers never do.
Voice: 2, 42, 51, 91, 2, 123, 3, 9. [Thud] [The doctors gather around HARVEY and start prodding and poking, again saying absolutely nothing.]
Alice: [To the doctors] Hey! What's going on here?
Harvey: Cease this pokery and proddery at once! We demand to know the purpose of this examination.
Dur: I agree! After all, this is no way for a doctor to be treated by other doctors!
Clint: Hey, at least they're not harvesting organs!
Dur: Of course they aren't harvesting our organs yet! Do you have any idea how hard it is to harvest organs from live specimens?=20
[The doctors move to ALICE, checking her out thoroughly.]
Alice: I think we're about to find out! You're a doctor, Dur, what the hell are they doing?
Clint: Looks like a physical! But if they ask me to turn my head and cough, there'll be hell to pay!
Dur: [Shrugs inside his straight jacket] Checking us for injuries maybe, but why I don't know. Maybe they're just trying to drive us crazy with all the numbers and the poking.
Voice: 2, 42, 51, 91, 2, 123, 3, 9. [Thud]
[The doctors move on to CLINT, turning his head and poking him until he coughs, before doing a similar check up on DUR.]
Chastity: Oh dear Lord, it's like all their sordid and vulgar fantasies are coming true!
[The doctors finish up, and walk out, leaving the door slightly ajar.]
Clint: Hey, they left the door open! Get me out of this jacket and we're in business! I hear if you dislocate your shoulder, getting out of these things is a piece of cake...
Alice: Great idea, Stinky. I can dislocate mine. I just need to have this [raises her voice] jacket taken off!
Harvey: [In a loud whisper] Hold on, troop, I think I'm almost free of this infernal thing! [Tries to get out of the jacket]
[With a lot of squirming and huffing and puffing, HARVEY gets his jacket off.]
Chastity: Well done, Colonel! I did fear that it would be one of the more uncouth members of the party that would get free first. Imagine, having to listen to their sordid fantasies about helpless and chaste women being bound in strait jackets and subjected to all sorts of humiliations and indignations, that would - [notices everyone looking at her] er, yes, quite. Well done, Colonel.this >[raises her voice] jacket taken off!
Dur: Why I never! How dare you take advantage of the doctor-patient privilege in such a way! [Dur continues to scream at the doctors until they are out of site and then turns back to the party]. I kinda liked it.=20 [Dur continues to struggle against his jacket and manages to get loose.]
Dur: Hey whadda ya know.
Clint: [Starts wriggling free of his own jacket.] Hey, did anyone else feel like his jacket was looser after those weird doctors finished? Maybe they wanted us to get out?
and alas, now that they've told me that they'll need to kick me out of my house for a couple of days while they work on the floors, I must head off to run some errands.
Harvey: Good thinking, Private. Let's all be on the look-out for a trap, troop! [Goes to peek around the open door]
Chastity: [Slips hers off too] I think you might be right!
Alice: Hey, mine is kind of comfortable!
[HARVEY starts to make his way towards the open door, but is distracted by sounds of moaning from the other, shut doors.]
Voice: 2, 42, 51, 91, 2, 123, 3, 9. [Thud]
Harvey: [Goes to the shut doors] I don't like the sound of this! [Tries to open the shut doors] Stand back, troop, and be ready for anything!
Chastity: Oh, Colonel, you're so wise. [Spits on a hanky before turning and wiping Alice's face]
Alice: [Trying to escape, but to no avail] Ptaaargh! Get off! What are you trying to do?
Chastity: Get you ready [dramatic pause] for anything!
[HARVEY tries the door, and it is locked. There is a small panel up high, clearly to let people see in. He slowly opens that, revealing a small padded cell. There is a man here, JARVIS LUCIUS, standing back against the far wall. He has a smile that's someway between seedy and sinister.]
Jarvis: Well, hello.
Harvey: Greetings, fellow prisoner! I am Colonel Harvey Kingston-Short, and my troop is here with me. How did you come to be in this dreadful situation?! .
Jarvis: [Licks his lips salaciously] Jarvis is the name. Jarvis Lucius. I have no idea why I'm here. [Turns away for a moment and rubs his crotch against the wall, before turning back] I just woke up here one day and have been here ever since.
Alice: [Peering in the peephole] How long have you been in here?
Jarvis: [Irritated] It's a little difficult to speak to you when I can't see your boobs!
Harvey: [To Jarvis] You mind yourself, chappie! That's my niece you're addressing, and she is a lady of uncommon breeding!
Jarvis: [Bows down slightly] My apologies. [To Alice] It's a little difficult to speak to you when I can't see your breasts.
Dur: Yeah but she only lets you see them when she's changing or bathing and doesn't know you're there watching!
Alice: [Nods] Or when I'm swimming. [Turns to Dur] Hey!
Dur: Right, or when you're drunk.
Alice: Or when I'm drunk and swimming.
Harvey: [Looks at Alice, stunned] Dear girl, you must be careful! These little jokes can be misinterpreted and may damage your sterling reputation!
Alice: Hey! [Points at Dur] He's the pervert who's been watching me!
out for 1.5 hours
Dur: [Defensively] Maybe if you stopped sending out invitations... QWxpY2U6IEkgZG9uJ3QgY2FyZSB3aGF0IHRoZXkgdGF1Z2h0IHlvdSBpbiB5b3VyIGZhbmN5IG1l ZGljYWwgc2Nob29sLCBiZWluZyB1bmNvbnNjaW91cyBpcyBub3QgYW4gaW52aXRhdGlvbiEgDQpT ZW50IGZyb20gbXkgQmxhY2tCZXJyea4gd2lyZWxlc3MgaGFuZGhlbGQNCg0KLS0tLS1PcmlnaW5h bCBNZXNzYWdlLS0tLS0NCkZyb206ICJEYXksIEtldmluIFIuICAoTGFzIENvbGluYXMpICBOQSIg PEtldmluLkRheUBoYW5zb24uYml6Pg0KDQpEYXRlOiBXZWQsIDI2IE1hciAyMDA4IDA4OjQ1OjMy IA0KVG86IkhlYXRoZXIiIDxoZWF0aGVyLmdvZ2dhbnNAZ21haWwuY29tPiwiQ29ub3IgUnlhbiIg PGNvbm9yLnJAZ21haWwuY29tPg0KQ2M6IlRvbSBIZW5kZXJzb24iIDx0aGc4cmd1eUB5YWhvby5j b20+LDxkam9iQHN0YWZmbWFpbC5lZC5hYy51az4sIkRvYmVrLCBQYXVsIiA8cGF1bC5kb2Jla0Bj aXRpLmNvbT4sPHBkb2Jla0BnbWFpbC5jb20+LDxiZWF0bXlhY2VzQHlhaG9vLmNvbT4sPHF2Ymxv Z2dlckBnbWFpbC5jb20+DQpTdWJqZWN0OiBbcXZdIDA0LjAxLjA0OQ0KDQoNCkxhc3QgZnJvbSBD b25vciAjNDgNCg0KPkFsaWNlOiBIZXkhIFtQb2ludHMgYXQgRHVyXSBIZSdzIHRoZSBwZXJ2ZXJ0 IHdobydzIGJlZW4gd2F0Y2hpbmcgbWUhDQoNCkR1cjogW0RlZmVuc2l2ZWx5XSBNYXliZSBpZiB5 b3Ugc3RvcHBlZCBzZW5kaW5nIG91dCBpbnZpdGF0aW9ucy4uLg0K
Clint: [To Jarvis.] See? You're just gonna have to do without.SmFydmlzOiBJdCdzIGRpZmZpY3VsdCB0byB0YWxrIHRvIHlvdSB3aXRob3V0IHNlZWluZyB5b3Vy IHBlbmlzLg0KDQpTZW50IGZyb20gbXkgQmxhY2tCZXJyea4gd2lyZWxlc3MgaGFuZGhlbGQNCg0K LS0tLS1PcmlnaW5hbCBNZXNzYWdlLS0tLS0NCkZyb206IFRvbSBIZW5kZXJzb24gPHRoZzhyZ3V5 QHlhaG9vLmNvbT4NCg0KRGF0ZTogV2VkLCAyNiBNYXIgMjAwOCAwNzoyMTowNyANClRvOmNvbm9y LnJAZ21haWwuY29tLCAiRGF5LCBLZXZpbiBSLiAgXChMYXMgQ29saW5hc1wpICBOQSIgPEtldmlu LkRheUBoYW5zb24uYml6PiwgSGVhdGhlciA8aGVhdGhlci5nb2dnYW5zQGdtYWlsLmNvbT4NCkNj OlRvbSBIZW5kZXJzb24gPHRoZzhyZ3V5QHlhaG9vLmNvbT4sIGRqb2JAc3RhZmZtYWlsLmVkLmFj LnVrLCAiRG9iZWssIFBhdWwiIDxwYXVsLmRvYmVrQGNpdGkuY29tPiwgcGRvYmVrQGdtYWlsLmNv bSwgYmVhdG15YWNlc0B5YWhvby5jb20sIHF2YmxvZ2dlckBnbWFpbC5jb20NClN1YmplY3Q6IFtx dl0gMDQuMDEuMDUxDQoNCg0KTGFzdCBmcm9tIENvbm9yICM1MA0KDQo+IEFsaWNlOiBJIGRvbid0 IGNhcmUgd2hhdCB0aGV5IHRhdWdodCB5b3UgaW4geW91cg0KPiBmYW5jeSBtZWRpY2FsIHNjaG9v bCwgYmVpbmcgdW5jb25zY2lvdXMgaXMgbm90IGFuDQo+IGludml0YXRpb24hIA0KDQpDbGludDog W1RvIEphcnZpcy5dICBTZWU/IFlvdSdyZSBqdXN0IGdvbm5hIGhhdmUgdG8gZG8NCndpdGhvdXQu ICANCg0KDQoNCiAgICAgIF9fX19fX19fX19fX19fX19fX19fX19fX19fX19fX19fX19fX19fX19f X19fX19fX19fX19fX19fX19fX19fX19fX19fX19fX19fX19fX19fX19fXw0KQmUgYSBiZXR0ZXIg ZnJpZW5kLCBuZXdzaG91bmQsIGFuZCANCmtub3ctaXQtYWxsIHdpdGggWWFob28hIE1vYmlsZS4g IFRyeSBpdCBub3cuICBodHRwOi8vbW9iaWxlLnlhaG9vLmNvbS87X3lsdD1BaHUwNmk2MnNSOEhE dER5cGFvOFdjajl0QWNKDQo=
Clint: Yeah, well, it's difficult to talk to you without pounding your nose in, you freak! [Pauses.] Say, that reminds me - does anyone know where the lawyer went?
Alice: Huh. I haven't seen him since we were attacked on those steps. It's a pity this idiot won't tell us where we are.
Clint: Maybe if you showed him your... [glances at Harvey and pauses] great smile, he'd help us!
Alice: Well, I suppose, but I think we'd have a lot more success if I showed him my boobs. [Flashes her most dazzling smile at Jarvis]
Jarvis: You don't floss much, do you?
Harvey: Gah! This troop will leave no man behind, troop! We must rescue Private Sleaze.
Alice: Maybe he's behind one of these other doors?
Chastity: [Calls out] AUSTIN! Oh AUSTIN! [To the party] May be he's unconscious. He took an awful big knock on the head.
Alice: [Startled, and jumping in surprise] Yeesh! Calm down, Chas! Let's check another one of these doors. [Tries another one and, on finding it locked, opens the viewer.]
[There is another male patient in here, also wearing a strait jacket. This is REMY JARVIS. He is in his early twenties and is facing away from the door, but turns to look at the party when the viewer opens.]
Remy: [Sounding just a touch camp] Well, hello.
Harvey: [To Remy] Hello, ma'am! You haven't happened to see a well-dressed lawyer with a head wound wandering about, have you?
Remy: [Looks taken aback] Ma'am? [Shakes his very fast for about twenty seconds making a "wibble" sound, shaking his hair all over the place] I can assure you, sir, I am no ma'am! Who, may I ask, are you lovely ladies?
Dur: Ladies?! We can assure YOU, whatever it is you may be, that there aren't any ladies among US!
Alice: That's right! [Pats Dur on the back]
Remy: Sorry, Miss. My name is Remy Lucius. I meant no [gives a sleazy smile] disrespect.
Dur: [Aside to the party] Why do I feel like he is undressing me with his eyes?
Alice: Because you're a bimbo with such an insanely high opinion of yourself that you can't believe any man doesn't automatically wonder what you look like naked?
Dur: Hey! I resent that! I do NOT have an insanely high opinion of myself!
Clint: Oh yeah? You consider yourself a doctor, don't you?
Alice: Did he learn nothing at medical school? [Looks Dur up and down] Huh. I guess he didn't!
Harvey: [Laughs and snorts loudly] Too right, Private Scar! [Quacks crazily at Dur]
Remy: [Jumping over to the door as his legs are also tied together] Quack! Quack!
Voice: 2, 42, 51, 91, 2, 123, 3, 9. [Thud]
Clint: Hey, you. Crazy person. What's with the numbers?
Dur: I think we're getting distracted from the matter at hand!
Remy: [With a smile] Ah! So you can hear them too? Let me out of here and I'll tell you all you need to know.
Harvey: Of course, Miss! Perhaps you can tell us SOME of what we need to know whilst we are concocting our brilliant plan to open this door?
Remy: Madam, if I knew what you needed to know to open the door, do you really think I'd still be in here?
[Everyone exchanges confused glances trying to figure out who he's talking to.]
Alice: Uh, well, given that you're behind a locked door in a strait jacket, then I guess yes!
Clint: By the way - what are you in here for, anyway?
Remy: I don't know. I just woke up one day and have been locked in here like this ever since. It's really rather maddening.
Clint: [Nods sagely] Well, that explains the strait jacket.
Remy: [Nods, still smiling] Yes it does!
Harvey: [Examines the door] Troop, can any of you see a way to open this door?
Clint: [Flexes his door kicking foot.] I've got the key right here, Harv!
Remy: My, my. What a fine figure of a foot it is.
Chastity: Where's the lawyer when you need him?=20
On 28/03/2008, Dobek, Paul
Voice: 2, 42, 51, 91, 2, 123, 3, 9. [Thud]
Remy: Yes. Where IS the lawyer?
Alice: I think we should check one of the other doors.
Harvey: Perhaps you're right, niece. [To Remy] Hold tight, miss! We'll be with you shortly. [Attempts to check the window slot of the next door.]
Remy: [Jumps a little closer to the door] Will do!
[HARVEY opens the slot to reveal a woman in a strait jacket, who has a stocking over her head. This is ANNE ONNIMUS.]
Anne: [Speaking in a sexy, husky voice] Hello.
Harvey: [To Anne] Hello, Madam! We are fellow prisoners. Could you tell us how you came to be here?
Dur: Is that a stocking over your head?
Anne: I don't know, honey, it's difficult to tell from this angle. [Licks her lips saliciously, before addressing Harvey] I have no idea, you handsome devil. I went to bed with some underage guys and when I woke up I was here.
[Everyone turns and looks at ALICE.]
Alice: What? Hey! That never happened to me! They weren't underage!
Chastity: [Looks at Anne disapprovingly] Colonel, I do believe we should keep moving. This woman is obviously of a low morale fiber, and we have enough of that in the party already. [Glances at Dur]
Harvey: Now, Sister, let's not rush to judgment! Her voice reminds me of one of the kind ladies that works with my dear wife in their mission to tame wayward young men!
Anne: Oh, I can tame all sorts of men. What sort are you, Colonel?
Harvey: [Flustered] The already tame sort, Madam! [To the party, gruffly] Enough dilly-dallying! Let's check another room, troop!
Remy: [Calling out from his room] Anne? Is that you?
Anne: It sure is, honey. Is that Remy?
Remy: Tell me a story, Anne. Make it a sexy one.
Dur: [Goes to the next door and attempts to open the slot and peer in] Hullo?
Anne: 2, 42, 51, 91, 2, 123, 3, 9.
Remy: Yay! That's my favourite!
[DUR tries the door, but finds that the viewer is welded shut. As soon as he gets close, something bangs off the inside of the door, snarling.]
Voice: 2, 42, 51, 91, 2, 123, 3, 9. [Thud]
The only unchecked door is the main one, which the doctors left open after they left
Clint: [Nods towards the open door.] You think those three were trying to tell us something, maybe? Like movies? Here's a limited-time offer: Blockbuster Total Access for one month at no cost.
Alice: You mean, other than the fact that this place is inhabited by creepy freaks? Uh, other than us, that is!
Dur: Perhaps a cautionary tale so that we don't end up like them? =20
Alice: Oh please. Do you really think any of us will end up in strait jackets in tiny cells? [Looks over the rest of the party] Hm.
Clint: They'll never get me!
Dur: You mean besides the time you woke up with all of us in here with all of us in straight jackets?
Alice: Or that time after your prom night when you had that brand new really short dress and ended up having nine bracardi beezers too many? [Looks puzzled]
Clint: [Stiffly.] That's different! Like movies? Here's a limited-time offer: Blockbuster Total Access for one month at no cost.
Alice: Damned right that's different!
Harvey: Well, troop, I think we'd better go after those sinister doctors. Perhaps they're doing some horrible experiment on Private Sleaze, trying to figure out whether he prefers ladies or [shudders] other men, that sort of thing?
Alice: I think he prefers ladies, but not exclusively. [Points at the final door] That-a-way?
Dur: [Stands behind Alice] I'm right behind you! [Swallows hard]
Clint: [Nods decisively.] That-a-way! [Heads for the final door.] You rock. That's why Blockbuster's offering you one month of Blockbuster Total Access, No Cost.
Voice: 2, 42, 51, 91, 2, 123, 3, 9. [Thud]
[Exit the party.]
Remy: [Peering out the peephole] Bye-eee!
End of scene, next one coming right up
[Book VI, Act IV, Scene II. Another Corridor. ALICE, CHASTITY, CLINT, DUR and HARVEY are here, having just arrived. There is a creature here of undetermined origin and gender, kneeling on the ground. This is GLLOOM. GLLOOM is kneeling on the ground, face covered in blood, across from a huge blood stain on the wall.]
Glloom: [To no one in particular] The world ended for the second time today.
Harvey: Have no fear, Miss! We are the Queens View troop, and we are here to assure you the world did not end, not once or twice!
Voice: 2, 42, 51, 91, 2, 123, 3, 9.
[GLLOOM bangs his/her head hard against the wall, causing all the party to wince.]
Alice: [To Dur] Go on! You're the doctor!
Harvey: [To Glloom] Right, you need to shape up, little soldier! There's no need for this sort of carry-on!
Chastity: Let me tend to your wounds, you poor creature. [Chastity attempts to help it]
Alice: [Tuts at Dur, annoyed] Come on, Dur! [Whispers] I think you might have a chance with her.
[CHASTITY starts to clean up GLLOOM's wounds, with GLLOOM completely ignoring her.]
Glloom: The world ended for the second time today.
Dur: [Looking nervous approaches Glloom to help] Errr... Where does it hurt miss?
Clint: That's nice. Hey, what the hell is up with those blasted numbers, freak? You rock. That's why Blockbuster's offering you one month of Blockbuster Total Access, No Cost.
Voice: 2, 42, 51, 91, 2, 123, 3, 9.
[GLLOOM suddenly lurches forward and head butts the wall with another sickening squelch, splashing DUR and CHASTITY with blood, skin and some other, disgusting looking slimy stuff.]
Alice: [Whispers to Dur] I think she likes you!
Dur: Errr... So your head then? [To the party] Perhaps she's been listening to these blasted numbers for too long. Perhaps we should try to find a way to discontinue them? I know they're driving me mad.
Glloom: The world ended again... [slumps down, unconscious]
Harvey: [Watches Glloom, stunned] Troop, what is this place?! Sister, can you revive this wretched creature?
Chastity: [Tries to revive Glloom] I don't know, Colonel. He or she has = inflicted terrible wounds on him or herself. He or she must be in an = awful state of despair. I feel sorry for him. Or her.=20
Harvey: [To Chastity, confidentially] I know how you feel, Sister! I can never tell with these youngsters today, what with their crazy hair and peculiar outfits!
Chastity: [Nodding in agreement] Not to mention that noise they call = music.=20
Alice: Oh, you two! Don't be such [draws out a square in the air with her fingers]
Harvey: [To Alice, shocked] Just what is the meaning of this possibly obscene gesture, niece?! Surely your dear old uncle and the good Sister deserve better than this!
Dur: I'm sure it means you operate well within military guidelines, colonel.
Clint: [Nods in agreement.] You know, thinking inside the box? You rock. That's why Blockbuster's offering you one month of Blockbuster Total Access, No Cost.
Alice: That's right! None of that off centre stuff, good straight arrow thinking!
Clint: Yeah. Let's use some of that good, straight arrow thinking to get the hell out of here! And find the lawyer, too. And figure out just what this weirdo is talking about with this "world ending" crap. You'd think we'd have noticed! You rock. That's why Blockbuster's offering you one month of Blockbuster Total Access, No Cost.
Alice: Although, if that voice continues for much longer, I think I'm going to start hoping that it will. [Listens for the voice for a few seconds] Huh. Has it stopped?
Harvey: [Listens, delighted] Well done, niece! How did you ever manage it?
Alice: I don't know! I just thought really hard about making it stop, and it stopped! Cool!
Away for 1.5 hours
Chastity: [To Harvey] The force is strong in this young one.=20
Clint: Great! For an encore, Bimbo, imagine us a way out of here. You rock. That's why Blockbuster's offering you one month of Blockbuster Total Access, No Cost.
Alice: [Closes her eyes and thinks hard, before opening them and looking disappointed] Hey! This isn't a beach at all!
Harvey: Not to worry, dear girl! You've done enough already, getting rid of that sound of that dreadful woman's voice! [To Chastity, confidentially] Didn't you think that awful woman was most likely one of those Womanists? One of those [affects a horrible-sounding woman's voice] "call me MS! types"?!
Chastity: [Laughs hysterically] Oh Colonel! You really are too much sometimes. I can see why women fight over you. Even the ones who go by Ms. [Laughs again]
Alice: Mm-mm. [Looks around] Well, looks like we're in another corridor.
[This is true. The party are in the middle of a hallway, that has a turn at the top and one at the bottom. There is a door in the opposite wall to the one the party came from. It sounds like there is some noise coming from the northern end of the corridor.]
Clint: Keep it in your... habit, Chas. Let's just try this door here first, huh? [Rears his foot back and prepares to boot the door in.] You rock. That's why Blockbuster's offering you one month of Blockbuster Total Access, No Cost.
Alice: [Turns away, bent over] Fire in the hooooooole!
Clint: [Hearing no immediate objections, he gives the door a solid boot.] Haw! I love this! You rock. That's why Blockbuster's offering you one month of Blockbuster Total Access, No Cost.
[CLINT cracks the door open, revealing a small room that looks like it is packed from floor to ceiling with rows and rows of shelves, containing jars and other various scientific equipment.]
Harvey: [Looks into the room] What the blazes is all this, I wonder? Could it be there's some experiment going on here? And maybe we're the tiny white mice?!
Alice: Hardly! Look up there! [Points at a shelf that contains loads of jars of gherkins] Gherkins! You love them, don't you, Uncle Harvey? This place can hardly be all that bad, now can it?
[ALICE is right, there is a row of jars of gherkins. Rather disturbingly, one (medium sized jar) contains what appears to be a tiny elephant.]
Alice: [Clearly not seeing the elephant] Now, I bet you're feeling pretty foolish now, aren't you? What with all your talk of experimentation and what not!
Dur: [Inspecting the jars from afar] That one in the middle there doesn't seem right.
Alice: [Gives a quick glance back] Which one? The one with the head in it or the one with the girl who looks like a fish? [Thinks for a moment] Whaaaa?
[Incredibly, she is correct. In amongst jars of all sorts of disgusting looking body parts and gherkins are two other jars, one with a head in it, and the other with what appears to be a tiny mermaid. The head is CHRISTOPHER TALKEN while the mermaid is JARGELINA.]
Christopher: Hey! Hey! [Nods] Yeah, I'm talkin' to you!
Clint: [Flabbergasted.] How?! You rock. That's why Blockbuster's offering you one month of Blockbuster Total Access, No Cost.
Christopher: It's a regular freaking miracle of science!
Jargelina: Bubble bubble bubble!
Dur: [Trying to settle his stomach] I don't think you know the meaning of the word "miracle".
Christopher: How about this? It's a freaking miracle that you haven't been beaten to death yet.
Alice: [Nods to the others] Seems to me like he knows what it means!
Clint: There's nothing regular about heads in jars. Or fishy women. What kind of sick bastard would do this to someone? You rock. That's why Blockbuster's offering you one month of Blockbuster Total Access, No Cost.
Christopher: The same freaking sick bastard who's going to keep you trapped here forever!
Jargelina: [Nods] Bubble bubble bubble!
Alice: What the hell is she saying?
Christopher: She's in a freaking jar! In water!
Alice: So are you.
Christopher: Yeah? Got a freaking problem with that?
Alice: He says freaking an awful lot, doesn't he?
Clint: Bimbo, if you were a freak like him, you'd do the same thing! You rock. That's why Blockbuster's offering you one month of Blockbuster Total Access, No Cost.
Alice: Too freaking right!
Clint: Anyway, how are they gonna keep us here forever? And why? [Pauses.] And what's with those women doctors, anyway? You rock. That's why Blockbuster's offering you one month of Blockbuster Total Access, No Cost.
Christopher: What freaking women doctors? I've never seen any freaking women doctors!
Clint: Think about that.
I think that's my three You rock. That's why Blockbuster's offering you one month of Blockbuster Total Access, No Cost.
Chastity: Please stop cursing. It is annoying and a sin.=20
Harvey: [Outraged] What women doctors?! I never heard of such a thing! Next you'll be telling me about men who cook, clean and have the babies!
Clint: Hell, except for the babies, you're talking about the lawyer! You rock. That's why Blockbuster's offering you one month of Blockbuster Total Access, No Cost.
Christopher: A freaking sin? Do you really think I care about that? What's the worst that could happen? I end up in hell? Yeah, that sounds much worse than being stuck on this shelf!
Dur: What about being in hell AND stuck on that shelf?
Christopher: Huh. Yeah, I guess that would be worse.
Alice: How about being in hell, stuck on that shelf AND having an itchy nose?
Harvey: [Laughs uproariously] And it's always in the last place you look!
Christopher: How about being in hell, stuck on this shelf, having an itchy nose and listening to this freaking crap?
Clint: [Puzzled.] Your nose? You rock. That's why Blockbuster's offering you one month of Blockbuster Total Access, No Cost.
Alice: Well, of course it's in the last place you look, why would you keep looking once you've found it?
We've a new player starting today, another Heather. Her address is in the list, so please make sure she's included on all mails from now on. Except the ones complaining about her, of course!
Harvey: [Vigorously] Exactly my point, niece! [Stomach rumbles] Now, are those gerkins you've been going on about?
Welcome, other Heather!
Alice: There, behind the pickled elephant.
[There is a sudden commotion from back in the corridor, with the sound of a bunch of people running and shouting.]
Christopher: Oh here they freaking come again!
[Enter two creatures who appear to be a cross between lions and humans, they are MAN LION and WOMAN LEOPARD. They are making a weird noise that's a combination between screaming, crying and roaring. They run past the room where the party are, and it becomes clear that they are being chased by a human. This is SCARLETT, a tall and well built female, who stops dead when she spots the party.]
Scarlett: [Looks at the party] Finally! How about some answers?
Alice: [Gives a relieved sigh] Yay! I'd love some answers! We haven't a clue what's going on here!
Scarlett This is a multi-part message in MIME format. ay
Alice: I have an answer for you, Dur. What are you doing with us? [Looks satisfied for a moment, but then confused] Hm. [Turns to Scarlett] Who are you?
Harvey: [To Scarlett, shielding his eyes] Madam, you appear to have left your home without dressing! Don't be embarrassed, it happens to the best of us, but do cover yourself! For Phili's sake, I am a married man!
Alice: Uh, you want to tell us what you're doing here?
Harvey: [To Scarlett, relieved] That's better! I am Colonel Harvey Kingston-Short, and this is my troop [points to each in turn] my dear niece, Alice, the good Sister Chastity, Private Scar, and [narrows his eyes at Dur] this fellow, who claims to be a medic. [To Scarlett] How have you come to be here, my dear?
Alice: [Looks around, puzzled] Over where? This is a multi-part message in MIME format. =20 Last from Conor #63 =09 > Scarlett: [To Alice] My name is Scarlett. > =09 >Alice: Uh, you want to tell us what you're doing here?
Scarlett: [To Alice] I was over there and your group ran past me so I decided to see if I could be of assistance. =20 =20
Scarlett: [To Alice] [Points in the direction she came from.] Over there. Just walking along. I saw all the communication and thought I could help.
Alice: But why were you chasing those, uh, people?
Christopher: They're not freaking people, they're freakin' freaks!
Scarlett: [to Alice] I wasn't I saw them and heard the noise and I came over to see what was going on.
Chastity: [Looking Scarlett up and down with disdain] We are looking for a member of our party who has disappeared. Have you perhaps seen a lawyer who is constantly pruning himself? [Whispers loudly to the Colonel] We should keep this woman away from your niece. We don't want Alice getting any outrageous fashion ideas.
Welcome Heather 2!
Alice: Any [emphasis] more outrageous fashion ideas! [To Scarlett] So where are we? What are you doing here?
Scarlett: I simple noticed the group and wandered over to see what was going on.
thanks for the welcome.
Harvey: Are you a prisoner here? Have they done experiments on you, too?
Alice: She was simply passing! Oh, actually, that's a good question!
Scarlett: [looks confuses] I dont know. I just woke up here.
Dur: Perhaps you got drunk at a bar and were brought here while you slept. But if that was the case, why wouldn't you be wearing any clothes?
Scarlett: I have no idea. I dont even know how long I have been here. Why are all of you here?
Alice: I think the question, Dur, is why WOULD she be wearing any clothes?
[The sound of a dog barking comes from up the corridor, in the same direction that SCARLETT came from.]
Harvey: [To Scarlett] Ah, have you a lapdog, Miss? Perhaps one of those small ones that look like mop and wears wee pink ribbons and a tiny jumper that says "Mommy's Little Princess"?
[Enter FIDO CHUFFINGTON, a dog who appears to have the face of a human.]
Fido: Bark! Bark! Bark! [Stops on seeing the party] Bark!
Scarlett: [To everyone] That's not my dog.
Alice: But he's so cuuuuute! [Bends over to stroke him]
Fido: Hey! Get your hands off me!
Away for about an hour
Dur: Excuse me good... errr... dog, any idea what's going on around here?
Fido: I haven't been fed for four days and I'm starving!
Dur: You and me both! [Eyes the dog hungrily]
Fido: [Hair stands up on his back] Grrr!
Alice: So, uh, what is this place? What are you doing here?
Fido: I don't know. I've been here as long as I can remember. It's not a bad life, plenty of food, the ability to lick my own testicles, plenty of faeces to roll around in, but a few days ago the food stopped.
Alice: What about licking your testicles?
Fido: Sure, go ahead.
Alice: [Confused] Hey!
Harvey: [Outraged] Bad dog!
Fido: Oh, calm down. You can have a go after her.
Chastity: [Picks up a nearby stick and throws it into the distance] Fetch!
Harvey: Quick thinking, Sister! That should rid us of this unruly pup!
Fido: [Watches the stick being thrown with absolute disdain] That stick could have had someone's eye out.
Christopher: Get that freaking freak out of here! For the love of God, stop standing around and wasting time! [Gets so agitated that his jar begins moving back and forth] You've got all those opposable thumbs, how about putting them to some good freaking use?
Dur: [Gives Christopher the "two thumbs up" sign] You mean like this!
Alice: Aw! Well done, Dur! I feel better already! [Also gives two thumbs up] Come on, scary floating head guy, why don't you do the same?
Christopher: Because I'm a floating head.
Alice: Yeesh, talk about the jar being half empty. You know, we should probably take a look around, I've had enough of being stuck in here.
Chastity: [Picks up the jar that contains Christopher's head and starts shaking it gently] This would make a great souvenir if only I could prevent it from cursing.=20
Christopher: Get your freaking hands off me!
Harvey: Let's keep moving, troop! There must be a way out of this unnatural place.
Fido: We're sealed in!
Harvey: Nonsense! How did they get your food to you? There must be a way in and out!
Fido: No! It's sealed now!
Dur: Who sealed it?
Fido: [Meaningfully] They.
Scarlett: Sealed in?
Fido: Yes, as in, we're in here, and the way out is sealed! =20
Chastity: Sealed with what?
Christopher: A freaking loving kiss!
Fido: I don't know, the doors are all shut and locked.
Harvey: Doors and windows?! Where? Why, they pose no threat to us [flexes his thumbs impressively]! Come on, troop, let's open some doors and windows!
Fido: There are no windows, just doors. [Looks up in the direction that Scarlett came from] One back that way, beyond the cell where she was, [looks back the opposite direction] and one back there, both sealed.
Dur: Sealed as in locked?
Fido: [Rolls his eyes] No, sealed as in open! What the hell else could it mean?
Alice: [To the party] He IS a bad dog, isn't he?
Harvey: [Nods] Dreadful! Now, let us go see these doors and see if we can't "unseal" them!
Scarlett: [looks confused] if the door is sealed open and back the way I came from then why dont we just leave?
Alice: I think the dog was being sarcastic. The doors are sealed shut and we're stuck in here. [To Fido] Is that right?
Fido: Which part?
Alice: Both parts.
Fido: Yes to both.
[SCARLETT came from the north end of the corridor, while the creatures that looked like a cross between humans and lions headed to the south.]
Clint: And you're gonna listen to a talking dog?
First off, a hearty welcome to Heather #2 And secondly - ouch, sorry! Was out of town, figured I'd just use the hotel wireless to keep up with posting, snuck one post in Monday morning and then the internet went down. Back in Houston now.
Alice: [Looks at Scarlett for a moment] Well, that's a bit harsh, isn't it, Stinky?
Harvey: Let's go see to these doors, troop! [Starts marching toward the south]
[The party head south and soon come to a large metal door, without passing any other doors or passageways. This door has clearly been welded shut from the outside.]
Alice: [Looks around, puzzled] Where did those weirdo looking things go?
Harvey: Ah, the doctor prescribed a cream that--er, what weirdo things, niece?!
Scarlett: [Looks back to Alice and shrugs] Let's find the doors and see what we can do.
Thanks for the welcome everyone!
Alice: Was Doc Hartnett's Miracle Disappearing Cream? Uh, I mean, I don't know. What? [Composes herself] The things that look like half human half lion. Everyone else saw them too, right?
Clint: [Looks over the welds.] Bad news, Harv - I'm not sure I have the key for these!
Alice: [Points at Clint's boot] How about that?
Clint: [Dubiously.] Hell, I'll give it a shot! What's the worst that can happen? If I break my foot, we've got the doc to take care of it! Oh god! [Flexes his foot and boots the door.][CLINT's boot collides with the door with a resounding thud, but doesn't budge it.]
Alice: Hm. Well, that's no good. Back to the other door?
Harvey: Good suggestion, my dear! [Starts marching to the north]
[The party soon come to a similar door, which also appears to be welded shut.]
Alice: Huh. Looks like we're sealed in.
Harvey: Nonsense, there must be a way! Let's search for hidden passages and such.
Dur: Where did those doctors from earlier go?
Alice: I guess they went the same place that those weird half lion half people went!
Clint: Did anyone see which way they went from our cell? Maybe that'll tell us which side to start looking on! But first... [Tries booting this door, just in case.]
Alice: [Pointing back towards the other door] They went that-a-way.
[CLINT gives the door a boot, but it is as solid as the last one.]
Clint: [Gives Alice a look.] And when we get to the other end and ask which way they went from our room, are you going to point this way?
Alice: I guess there's only one way we're gonna find out, isn't there?
[Enter DOCTORS FIBULA, RADIUS and ULNA, rounding the corner, heading towards the party.]
Alice: Hey! Where did they come from?
Dur: [Stands behind Clint] Maybe you should ask!
Alice: Well, I feel better knowing that there's a doctor here. [To Dur] No offence, I mean a real doctor! doctor!
Clint: [Gets ready to grab one of the doctors.] Which one do we want to question, Harv?
[The three doctors stop just short of CLINT, before three more, male, doctors come around the corner. These are DOCTOR CLAVICLE, DOCTOR STERNUM and DOCTOR SCAPULA. All six doctors stand still, watching the party with cool, impassive eyes.]
Dur: Eep! Who knew doctors were so voyeuristic?=20
Harvey: [Points to Dr. Scapula] You, there! We demand our freedom as of the now!
Alice: [To Dur] Oh please. I once went to a doctor with a sore finger. When I had to take off all my close and bend over the chair for the exam, all his colleagues came in. Some weren't even wearing their white coats, and, to be honest, some looked like they were tramps. Until I met you, Dur, they were the filthiest doctors I'd ever seen.
[The DOCTORS still say nothing, but DOCTOR FIBULA takes out an enormous syringe. Moments later, all the others do the same.]
Clint: [Warningly.] If any of you freaks touches me with a needle, I'll rip his arm out of its socket and bludgeon him to death with it!
Chastity: [Hesitantly] I - don't - like - needles. [Starts to swoon]
Alice: [Hesitantly] I - don't - like - fainting. [Starts to swoon]
Harvey: [Attempts to steady both Alice and Chastity] Ladies, use your smelling salts!
Alice: [Suddenly back to normal] Oh, I forgot, I [emphasis] do like fainting!
[FIBULA, still looking completely impassive, squirts her syringe, sending some liquid squirting out, although not landing near the party. DUR immediately falls to the ground.]
Dur: Hey! Those are some fancy pancy poking devices! Where mighty I get... THUD! [Dur hits the ground]
Alice: Oh, what chicken! Fainting after just [emphasis] seeing a needle?
[DOCTOR SCAPULA squirts his, sending ALICE crashing to the ground. Each of the doctors follows suit, and within seconds, everyone is lying in a heap, unconscious.]
Alice: [Wakes up] Oh, sorry, my mistake, I meant fainting after just seeing a syringe. [Faints again]
End of scene. Next one coming right up
[Book VI, Act IV, Scene III. The Corridor. ALICE, CHASTITY, CLINT, DUR, HARVEY and SCARLETT are here, in the same pile they were before, with the door in front of them still sealed.]
Alice: [Slowly waking up] Hey! Who's hand is that on my ass? [Looks] Oh. It's mine.
When you're ready to post, just start with your character waking up...
Harvey: [Mid-snore, wakes abruptly] What the devil is that noise?!
Dur: [Bolts into a sitting position] Band practice! [Looks around] Hmm, must have been dreaming.
Alice: Either we're being hit by an earth quake or [points at the rest of the party] it's them, snoring.
Alice: [Watching Dur with a baleful eye as she checks the door] Well, this is definitely still welded shut. What the hell kind of syringes were they, Dur?
Dur: Well they looked like the kind of syringes I used to steal for a good nights sleep!
Alice: So what you're saying is that these mysterious doctors are losers who are so incompetent at practicing medicine that they're nearly starving? I don't think so. I wonder where they went.
Scarlett: [Sits up quickly] What the hell is going on now?
Alice: Dur is telling us pathetic his life is.
Clint: [Sits up slowly.] What hit me?
Chastity: [Mumbling in her sleep] Mmm. Oh George. Oh George. Mmmm. [Rolls over and opens her eyes. Drool is falling from her mouth. Sits up startled] What in the name of Phili just happened?
Alice: [To Chastity] Ew! Shame on, Chastity! Shame on you!
Clint: Yeah! What kind of an example do you think you're setting for the young ones now, Chas?
Alice: [Gives a shiver] Old people sex, ew!
Chastity: [Goes bright red] I don't know what you're talking about.=20
Alice: And I don't WANT to know what you're talking about!
Clint: Hey, maybe if we pulled the "guards, the nun is a sick old woman" thing, we could bust our way out of here!
Alice: She IS a sick old woman! [Looks back down the corridor in the direction the doctors came from] Hm. I know that the door there was sealed, but maybe they came in and out of a secret passage down there?
Dur: It's worth a look. What else are we going to do?
Alice: Well, we could just stand around here arguing pointlessly.
Harvey: [Scratches a sideburn thoughtfully] We've already tried that, all right! all right!
Chastity: No we haven't.=20
Clint: If we haven't, let's not start now, Chas! C'mon, guys. [Starts looking around for a secret door, tapping on the walls and such.]
Alice: [To Chastity] Oh yes we have!
[The party follow CLINT towards the other door, but don't find any secret passages. The other door, however, is now ajar, and there is no sign whatsoever of the welds.]
Alice: Huh? Hey! Is that the door the doctors came in? How come we didn't hear them?
Alice: No we weren't!
Clint: We were too busy standing around arguing pointlessly?
Chastity: No we weren't.=20
[ALICE and CHASTITY exchange a look, clearly shocked at being so in tune.]
Dur: Of course we see! What do you think we're blind?! [Looks around] Errr... see what?
Alice: That we don't spend all our time standing around arguing and wasting time!
Dur: [Frustrated] Arguing about what! Scarlett [Shakes her head] It appears that all you do is bicker and argue. Maybe we should try to devise a plan to get out of here.
Clint: Anything, Doc. [Starts through the open door.] And you guys can keep arguing about it - I'm getting the hell out of here while we have the chance!
Alice: [Gestures to Scarlett, but addresses Dur as though it's obvious] About whether or not we argue!
Heather is travelling at the moment
Harvey: By the saints, Private Scar, I think you have the way of it! Lead the way!
[CLINT pushes the door open and the party are confronted with the disturbing side of FLAKERFLY, who appears either to be some sort of monster or a something that's almost human that has all its skin taken off.]
Fakerfly: 11 10 114 67 98! 11 10 114 67 98! It is all my fault! 11 10 114 67 98!
Dur: [Clearly frightened] Dear god! Scatter! [Looks for a place to run]
Conor are those the lottery numbers from Lost? Scarlett [Jumps when Fakerfly appear] Why do I feel like I have seen you before? for
Clint: What kind of crazy freak are you? Hell, what kind of crazy place is this?
Flakefly: [To Scarlett] I don't know what you feel like - maybe I could touch? [Holds up his hands in classic cupping motions] 11 10 114 67 98! [To Clint] It's a hospital. 11 10 114 67 98!
Nope, Kevin, different numbers, but, believe it or not, two years ago those numbers actually came up on the Irish Lottery, and it ended up as the one with the most people sharing it because so many people had the Lost numbers!
Alice: [To the party] Uh, is it me or does he look a tiny bit like Jerome?
Jerome can be seen on the main page of queens-view.com Scarlett [waves Flakeflys hands away] Don't touch me. Who the hell is Jerome?
Harvey: [Darkly] A disgraced ex-party member who tried to destroy the world, yet, when we prevented him, somehow received credit for saving it.
Alice: Being a geek at heart, he had bad skin, but, yeesh, nothing like this. Of course, he is dead, so this probably isn't him.
Flakefly: 11 10 114 67 98!
Harvey: Perhaps his lackeys preserved his head in a jar, niece, like they did with that horrible Hadolf Ritler!
Flakefly: Jar? [Giggles] Far, car, spar, mar, tar, bar. 11 10 114 67 98! [Enter FIDO, barking savagely at FLAKEFLY.]
Fido: [To the party] Keep away from him, if you know what's good for you.
Alice: What if we don't?
Fido: Don't know what's good for you or don't keep away from him?
Alice: The first.
Fido: Then you should still keep away from him.
Alice: What about the second?
Fido: Then it would be bad for you. 98! you.
Dur: Why? Who is he?
Fido: A disgusting, flaky abomination created by the scumbags who run this vile place. He's their worst experiment, the one that made them create all the other freaky things here.
Flakefly: [Nods] Yes, yes, it is all my fault. 11 10 114 67 98!
Clint: Great. But the way out must be around here!
Fido: [Resolutely shakes his head] Nope. And none of those damned doctors are left.
Alice: Where did they all go?
Alice: [To Clint] We should search the place.
Flakefly: [Prdouces a dagger from nowhere] It is all my fault. 11 10 114 67 98!
Scarlett: [Looks annoyed] The people hear created this thing [gestures toward Flakefly].
Alice: Yes, and that was a terrible thing to do. I feel quite ill from looking at him. [Looks at his dagger] Although now that he's the only one armed, I guess all of you feel bad for having said such mean things about him.
Flakefly: I cut things up.
Clint: Join the club. [Looks around for something to bash Flakefly upside the head with if necessary.]
[CLINT spots a conveniently located comically large vase, right beside the party.]
Alice: [Looking around where the party are situated] Well, it looks like there's plenty of natural light here, so we seem to be getting further out. Why don't we get past the [lowers voice] freaky weirdo [normal voice] and find out what's going on here.
Fido: What's the point? There are no doctors left.
Harvey: What about the doctors we saw a few minutes ago? Those doctors, they were doctors, right?
Fido: [Shrugs] Idunno.
Clint: [Edges toward the vase.] Hey, ugly! You see any weird doctors come through here recently?
Flakefly: It is all my fault! 11 10 114 67 98! [Lunges at Clint with the dagger]
Clint: Hey! [Tries to duck behind the oversized vase.] Watch out!
[CLINT gets behind the vase, but FLAKEFLY catches him with his dagger.]
Harvey: By the saints! I'll grab the cur! [Grabs on to Flakefly, who easily slips away, leaving Harvey with two handfuls of skin] Ew!
Alice: [To Clint] Hit him with the vase!
Clint: [Rolls his eyes.] Thanks, Bimbo! I never would have figured that out! [Tries to wallop Flakefly with the vase.]
[Crash. The vase smashes to pieces over FLAKEFLY's head, sending him falling to the ground, unconscious.]
Alice: [Does a curtsy] No problem Clint, I'm here to do the thinking.
Harvey: Nicely done, my girl!
Alice: And that's not all, I've been thinking about a riddle I heard. What gets wetter as it dries? [Looks around expectantly] A towel! Because you use it to dry stuff!
Scarlett: [laughs uncontrollably.] Alice thats too funny!
Dur: A what? Tow-el? Never heard of it.
Alice: [Looks momentarily startled by Scarlett] A towel Dur, you know, after you wash yourself with soap and water and - oh, I see.
Clint: [Nods.] Some people even use it after they wash the dishes they used to eat their food. Anyway, now that that freak is done for the count, what next?
Alice: I guess we should explore this place and find out what the hell is going on. [Points up the corridor] Looks like there's only one way to - [is suddenly distracted by Fido] Uh, what are you doing?
Fido: [Finishing peeing on Flakefly] Minding my own business.
Dur: You mean DOING your business... right on top of that poor gentleman's head!
Fido: Yeah? And where do YOU do it? In a fancy wine glass I suppose? That you then keep in a fridge? And give to someone when they come to visit? Pretending it's a nice Chardonnay? And then laugh and laugh when they say they like it? You disgust me! Scarlett [still laughing.] You guys are crazy. We need to explore and get out of here.
Fido: Why? So you can pee in a wine glass? Then put it in a fridge? And then give it to someone when they come to visit? Pretending it's a nice Cabernet Sauvignon? And then laugh and laugh when they say they like it? You disgust me!
Alice: [Points up the corridor] Looks like there's just one way to go.
Scarlett: [Draws a deep breathe and collects herself, then begins walking toward the corridor] Anyone else coming?
Clint: Then let's get out of here before someone gets out a wine glass!
Fido: Why? So you can - [FIDO is interrupted by sharp rap on the nose from HARVEY with a rolled up newspaper.]
Harvey: That's quite enough of that, thank you! [The party walk along the corridor, and it is clear that they are in a hospital. There are windows, but they are all up high, at least twenty feet, and have bars on the inside. They soon come to a room, the door of which is open. Slowly, they creep up and peer inside. To their surprise, it appears to be full of very expensive looking suits.]
Clint: We're in a hospital, and there are expensive looking suits? [Glances at Dur.] I thought doctors wore rags and scavenged from dumpsters!
Chastity: Hmm. Maybe we could wear these suits and disguise ourselves as = Barley Street consultants.
Alice: [To Clint] No, that's just Dur. Good idea, Chas. I wonder if there are any women's clothes here. [Takes a quick look through, soon finding some super slutty clothing, that's entirely even appropriate even for the most hookery of hookers] Wow! This stuff is great!
Harvey: [To Alice, horrified] Niece, what have I told you about wearing underwear as outerwear?!
Alice: We just came in! You were with us! Oh, you mean in this place? I don't know, they keep knocking us out, but only a hour or so that we've been awake for.
Alice: Then why are we going to do it?
Alice: [Wearily] Only whores and perverts wear underwear as outerwear.
Alice: Actually, in this case, Scarlett, I think you'll that we are the bickerees, you, my friend, are the bickerer.
Sent to just me:
Scarlett: [looks annoyed] I dont know. It wasnt my idea.
Alice: Uh, but you just said we were going to do it.
Scarlett: [Nods] I see. Do you think they keep knocking you out because they cant stand the bickering?
Scarlett: [to Alice] I am not bickering. I asked a question and voiced an opinion.
Clint: [Clears his throat.] Ordinarily I'd hate to break up what looks like it could be a terrific cat fight, but maybe we should come up with a plan? Like, the rest of us dress up as doctors and you two dress up as nurses and we bluff our way out!
Scarlett: No. I thought thats what you were talking about. Forgive me I misspoke. How long have all of you been here?
Alice: [To Scarlett] Sure sounds like bickering to me. [To Clint] Well, there really aren't any clothes specific for doctors and nurses. It's either smart suits for males, or [holds up a trashy looking outfit] smart skirts for ladies.
Scarlett: [to everyone] we are going to pretend to be doctors in trampy clothes. [crinkles her nose] I dont think that will work.
Clint: [Nods in agreement and points to a suit.] Doctor. [Points to the trashy outfit.] Nurse.
Dur: [Looks down at his own trashy skirt showing off his hairy man legs] Awwww, man! Does that mean I have to change?
Scarlett: I will be a nurse.
Harvey: By the saints, troop! Well dressed men in suits, yes, but girls dressed like prostitutes? Is that supposed to make us blend in more?
Alice: [To Dur] No, common decency means you have to change!
Clint: Chas, I guess you get to be the patient...
Alice: [Picks up the sluttiest, trashiest looking outfit, which still manages to look less trashy than her own clothes] I'm a nurse too! manages to look less trashy than her own > clothes] I'm a nurse too!
Chastity: Well I'm certainly not dressing as a nurse in those outfits. I wonder if these are from the lawyer's last summer collection. I'll be sure to make my feelings quite clear. If we ever find him. [Looks around for a stretcher]
Alice: Right! Let's get going!
[Everyone, now dressed in smart suits/trashy outfits head back out to the hall and check out the next room. This one appears to be filled with various perfumes.]
Alice: What the hell kind of hospital is this?
Scarlett: [looks confused] Is this some sort of lab?
Alice: I don't think so, it's just all jars and atomisers. Hardly a floating head in a jar to be seen. [Looks through the jars] It's all Lestee Auder, Spilly and Lice, and Channel No. 5000. There doesn't seem to be any stuff for mixing them together.
Harvey: [Pinches his nose disagreeably] It smells like Private Sleaze in here! [Brightens] Perhaps he's being held here! Keep your noses peeled and your eyes to the ground, troop!
Alice: [Gasp] Maybe his head is floating in one of these jars? Oh no!
Dur: I'm sure he's been in worse situations.
Alice: Well, he has, but never when you were the only doctor!
Scarlett: Who are you talking about?
Clint: One of us is missing, and this is his kind of place! [Looks around.] Maybe the next room will have something useful! Perfume? Cologne? A real man has no use for this crap!
Alice: And suits! [To Scarlett] He was with us when we were attacked. He was hurt, but we all passed out before we saw what happened to him. When we woke up, there was no sign of him.
Dur: [To Scarlett] Don't be alarmed. This isn't the first time he's gone missing. Like a bad rash, he'll eventually turn up again.
Alice: With you on the case, Dur, it's just a matter of time!
[Enter LUCY ANGEL, wielding two enormous swords.]
Lucy: What are you doing here?
Chastity: [Picks up a bottle of perfume that is "Phili Approved" and = sprays it on herself.] Mmm. This is a pleasant fragrance.
Alice: [Holding a bottle of "Hot Hot Hot!" perfume] Lucy? What are you doing here?
Lucy: Looking for bad guys. To slice their heads off.
Scarlett: [To Dur] Thank you. [To Lucy] Hello.
Clint: More importantly, how'd you get here, and how do we get out? And have you seen the lawyer around here anywhere?
Lucy: Austin? No. I'm honestly not sure how I got here. I don't think it's possible to get out. There were some people who I think were doctors, but they're gone.
Chastity: [To Lucy] This may sound rather odd, but are you a ghost? Either that or you are the spitting image of someone we know who has died. Twice.
Clint: C'mon, Chas, she came back once, why not make it a double? Why ask why?
Lucy: I am most certainly not a ghost, and I resent the scandalous allegation that I am. I am Lucy Angel. Who do you claim I look like?
Alice: [To the party] Well, she certainly SOUNDS like Lucy! allegation that I am. I am Lucy Angel. Who > do you claim I look like?
Chastity: But wait. If she's dead and in heaven, then that would mean we are also... [Tails off, looks around] This is not what I expected at all. Where are the clouds? And where are my husbands?
Disposition-Notification-To: "Day, Kevin R. (Las Colinas) NA"
Dur: If we're in heaven then we shouldn't be able to feel pain anymore! [Tries to pinch Chastity just to be sure].
[DUR gives CHASTITY a fine pinch on the ass, receiving a thunderous slap across the face in return.]
Alice: Ouch! Even I felt that!
Lucy: It seems highly unlikely that I would end up meeting with you people in heaven.
Alice: Even more unlikely that a lawyer would end up in heaven?
Lucy: I have two huge swords.
Alice: And fine swords they are, too!
Dur: [Rubbing the reddened, affected area of his face and sighs] The things we do in the name of science.
Alice: Is that why you picked that weird suit?
Sxarlett: [Smiles at Dur] I like his suit.
Alice: [Stares at Scarlett for a moment] Do you? Do you really? [Marks something down on a clipboard]
Lucy: Clearly. This isn't heaven.
Scarlett: [To Alice] Yes I do.
Alice: [Yawns] How interesting.
Lucy: Why are you people here? What's going on?
Scarlett: [To lucy] I dont know why we are here. [Shrugs]
Lucy: So you are just wandering aimlessly around the hospital? Are you with [gestures to the party] Are you with these people?
Scarlett: I am with them. Kinda.
Lucy: [Gives Scarlett a haughty look] How unfortunate.
The other Heather is travelling today
Harvey: By the saints, Ms. Angel! We thought you were dead, twice!
Lucy: Well, you're wrong. On both counts.
Clint: Hey, love to chat, great to see you alive, the big sword look definitely you, but where's the exit?
Lucy: [Swipes on the huge swords around to point the way] Straight up that way. [Points in the direction that the party had been going in before coming into this room]
Chastity: Let's keep moving then, shall we. I'm getting a bit tired of this stale air. [Sprays some perfume on Clint]
Conor, your skill as a cartographer never ceases to amaze me. I feel like I'm actually there! ;-)
Alice: Yeesh, Chas, it's gonna take a whole lot more than that!
[The party reform a marching order and carry on heading towards the exit.]
Hey! Let's try that again, without the sarcasm this time!! [Book VI, Act IV, Scene IV. The Comfortable Room. ALICE, CHASTITY, CLINT, DUR, HARVEY and SCARLETT are here, having just arrived at another door on the right. This is one is also open, and contains the most luxurious looking furniture the party have ever seen. Lying back in a fabulous looking couch smoking a cigarette with an extravagent cigarette holder is AUSTIN.]
Alice: Austin? Is that really you?
Austin : [To Alice] I do very much hope so. I so detest impersonators. [Blows three smoke rings]
Dur: [To Scarlett] I told you he'd be back! Would someone put a friggin bell on him?!
Alice: Aus! Where have you been?
Clint: [Outraged.] You mean, all this time we've been trying to find you, talking to stupid dogs with human heads and stupd human heads with no bodies, not to mention the needles, and you've been sitting here smoking?!
Scarlett: [To Dur] I have no idea who he is and I didnt know he was missing.
Alice: Ah, come now, Clint, that's not fair, we also met that annoying fish woman that no one could understand!
Austin : [To Alice] I have only been here for a few minutes, [Taps some ash onto the floor] This is my first cigarette in ages. [Notices Scarlet, looks impressed with a raised eyebrow] Nice outfit. [Casually blows some smoke rings]
Alice: Huh. We've been here for hours. How long have you been here, Lucy? [Turns and looks] Hey! Where's Lucy?
Away for two hours
Austin : [Stands up immediately] Lucy? Lucy is here? [Rushes to the door and calls out] Lucy! Where are you?
[The corridor is bare, except for FIDO, who lets out a long, lonely howl.]
Alice: Well, she was here!
Austin : [Listens hard for a reply from Lucy, looks dissapointed. To Alice] Are you sure she was here? Can you show me where?
Harvey: By the saints, Private Sleaze, of course!
[HARVEY shows AUSTIN the perfume room.]
Harvey: [Scratching a sideburn idly] Most rum and uncanny, what?
Dur: Everything about this group is uncanny, colonel. Do you remember anything after our ambush in the warehouse Austin?
Alice: The warehouse was called Austin? Huh. That's kinda cool.
Scarlett: [To Austin] Thank you. [Looks intrigued] Ambush? What ambush?
Alice: The one in Austin? It's a warehouse.
Dur: [To Scarlett] We were ambushed in a warehouse that was apparently named "Austin". After that we woke up in this dreadful place.
Scarlett: [Nods] I see
Clint: And when we woke up, we were in here, except for him [gestures at Austin] and now we want to know where the hell he was, and what happened to Lucy, and why the insane doctors are creating all these freaks!
Alice: Not to mention where the all those insane doctors are? And where are all the patients gone?
Dur: [looks around nervously] I bet they're hiding somewhere just waiting to jump out and yell, "Look Dur, we got your kidney!" before they start to play Kidney keep away with Dr. Dur! Bullies! [sniffles]
Austin : [Blows some more smoke rings. To Scarlet] You are welcome. [To the party] Have you found a way out of here?
Clint: If we'd found it, would we be in here? Lucy said it was that way though. [Points.]
by the way - welcome back, Dom!
Alice: Come on, let's check.
[The party reform their marching order, and soon come to a large entrance hall, with a staircase leading upwards. There is a huge metal door here, and all the windows are barred.]
Austin : [Carefully checks the metal door] Any idea where we are?
Dur: Where we always are! In trouble!
Alice: It certainly smells like it. [Looks from Clint to Dur suspiciously] Or does it...?
Harvey: [Rattles the door] We're trapped, Private Sleaze, trapped in some sort of crazy hospital. [Looks back at the stairs] Maybe there'll be some answers there?
Fido: [Who's tagged along] All the administration offices are there. They're bound to contain more information.
Austin : [Tries to unlock and open the door. To Fido] Pretty smart for a small pup, aren't you.
Fido: I'm not a small pup, I'm a freakish abomination against nature.
[The door is very definitely locked and very secure.]
Harvey: [Attempts to pat Fido on the head] Yes, you are! [To the party] Now, troop, surely there's a key tucked about somewhere?
Austin : Possibly [Searches around for a key] The key could be in one of the offices. Perhaps our friendly abomination of nature could sniff it out? [Pauses, sniffing the air, then coughs] If Mr Scar could stand back a little, say, a few miles. [Smirks]
Fido: [Growls a little at Harvey, before turning to Austin] All I can smell is [nods at Clint] him.
Alice: Maybe Clint could wait outside?
Austin : [To Alice] And would you get Mr Scar outside?Scarlett [Begins looking around] THere has to be a key somewhere.
Dur: I thought our problem was that we COULDN'T get outside?
Austin : [To Dur] It is. What did you think it was?
Dur: You mean besides our USUAL problems?
Scarlett: How is Mr. Scar going to wait outside if we cant get outside?
Clint: [Looks incredulously from Scarlett to Dur and back.] Boy, nothing gets by you two! I'll just be looking around for some nurs.. I mean, a key. [Starts back the way the party came.]
Austin : We should search the offices too [Heads up the stairs]
Alice: [To Scarlett] We could get the key, unlock the door, put Clint out, lock it again, hide the key and then have Fido here find it! [Heads up the stairs with Austin] Come on, let's all stick together.
Clint: [Follows Austin and Alice, muttering sullenly.] "Clint, go away. Clint, follow me." There damn well better be some nurs.. a key up here!
Scarlett: [Smiles and continues looking] We need the key first but it sounds like an excellent idea.
Austin : [Glances in disbelief at Scarlet, Alice and Clint.] Let us just hope that I find the key first.
Clint: Let's just hope that we can get the hell out of here before they turn one of us into a brain in a jar!
Alice: I think you could be in trouble, Clint, I saw a bunch of empty, really small jars down stairs!
[The party go upstairs and see that there are a bunch of doors with glass panels in them, each appearing to lead into an office. One has "Director" written on it.]
Alice: Huh. Maybe they're making a movie?
Austin : [Tries the door to the Director's room] I don't think it's that kind of director, but you never know.
[Austin checks the door to see if it is locked and will pick the lock if needs be, then go in if he can]
[AUSTIN gingerly tries the handle and it is unlocked. He slowly pushes it open to reveal a fairly large office, with a large chair and desk, and completely filled with filing cabinets, arranged alphabetically. They are from floor to ceiling and have a movable ladder to give access to the higher ones.]
Harvey: Perhaps these are research notes! What say we all look ourselves up, shall we? [Goes to search for the Harvey Kingston-Short file]
Austin : [Swiftly looks for his file] Sounds like a fine idea [Glances around for bulk shreader]
Alice: [Flicking through the As] This'll be interesting. Let's see. Aardvark, Abandon, Abash, [flicks further] Adam, Adamant, Adam Ant...
[AUSTIN quickly locates a file with his name on it, which is fairly thick. Likewise, everyone else starts looking for theirs.]
Unless you're told otherwise, you can find yours. Just write your character as finding it and I'll let you know what you find
Austin : [Rifles quickly through his file, discarding pages to the floor as he goes] I think that it might be the doctors that are insane, not the patients. [Finishes checking his notes then searches the room for a key or something of interest]
Harvey: [Takes down his folder, which is about a hundred pages] Gah! I think you might be right, Private Sleaze! [Holds up a page to the party showing that all that's written there is "Blah blah blah" in immaculate handwriting]
[AUSTIN starts searching through cupboards and presses but succeeds in only finding more folders.]
Alice: [Finally locating her own, which is easily two hundred pages thick] Hm, what's this word? [Shows Harvey]
Alice: And what about this one?
Alice: And that?
Harvey: [Sigh] That's blah too.
Alice: And what about this one here?
Harvey: Niece! They're all blah! That's all it says!
Alice: [Thoughtfully] Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Makes you think, doesn't it?
Scarlett: I wonder what mine says. [looks around, finds her folder and begins looking through it]
Austin : [To Alice] What does it make you think of, Alice? Searching =20 the next room?
Alice: Maybe it's some sort of code? [Thinks hard] What could blah mean? [To Scarlett] What's in yours?
Clint: Mine's the same way! We better shred these in case someone tries to read them and learns something about us he shouldn't know.
Scarlett: [looks confused] If they only say Blah what would they learn about us?
Clint: I bet it's blah! [Finally locates his file and glances through it.]
Dur: [Not wanting to be left out he searches for his own file] I bet mine has more Blah's than anyone elses!
Dur: I would [he protested as he continued the search for his own file] I'd love to read a story more pathetic than my own.
Austin : [Finishes searching] We should try the next office, this all reems to be little more than a film set with low quality props.
Clint: Blah, of course! [Rolls his eyes and looks around for a key.]
Alice: [Puts down her own hefty file] Let me see. [Takes it and reads it, eyes flicking from left to right for a good thirty seconds] Yes. [Shows it to the others] Just one word: Blah. [Hands it back]
Alice: [To Dur] Man, that would be one pathetic story.
[The place has been thoroughly searched, and there doesn't appear to be anything other than files here.]
Austin : Right [Straightens a cuff] Did anyone find any file that did not just contain the word 'blah'?
Austin : [To Clint, jovially] Learn what Mr Scar? Even if these notes did contain a detailed history of your life, I doubt very much that anyone would wish to read it. [Continues searching the room for clues or keys etc]Scarlett [to alice} 1 page and it says Blah. [looks confused]
Clint: Of course not! Don't you think they'd have told us already? [Glances at Alice.] At least, those of 'em who can read.
Austin : [To Clint] Not if it said something they didn't like. [Glances around the party and any papers they are holding]
[It isn't obvious if this is the case, and several party members have thrown their papers on the ground.]
Alice: Well, mine said something extra. It said that Clint is a big poopy head.
Dur: [To Austin] Mine has 50 pages of Blah and I don't like that!
Alice: Mine was about two hundred pages of Blah!
Chastity: [Flicking through hers] Mine is similar. I'd guess about a hundred a fifty pages.
Clint: There, see? All blah!
Austin : I wonder if the number of pages each of us had, had some relevance. Perhaps it is related to that number sequence that kept repeating.
Alice: Well, yours was the biggest, then mine, then Harvey, Chas and Clint's are all around the same, then Dur, and then Scarlett's was way smaller.
Dur: Maybe it has to do with how long we've been members of the group?
I'm gonna be out of the office tomorrow everyone, have fun. Conor can you take me off the list until Monday? Kevin Day Receptionist =20 Hanson North America 300 E. John Carpenter Freeway, 15th floor Irving, TX 75062 =20
Fax: 972-653-5616=20 Kevin.Day@hanson.com www.hanson.com =20 =20 =20 =20poopy
Chastity: Hang on, I haven't found mine ye. Ah! Here it is. [Starts reading]
Alice: Huh. It could, except I'm the one who's been with the party longest, each of Aus, Chas, Harv and Clint have all been away at some stage.
Austin : [To Alice] Indeed. [Sighs] Anyway, let us continue the search. [Goes to the next office and tries the door]
Harvey: I never went in for all that file-keeping business myself! Judge a soldier by his actions on the field, not what some over-paid quack says about him! I mean, honestly! "Paranoid Delusional?!" "Psychopath?!" "Pyromaniac?!" "Necrophiliac?!!!" What gibberish!
Austin : [Pokes his head back round the door] Did some one say Necrophilia? Where? [Glances around, sighs] Come on! Lets find the key!
[AUSTIN tries the next door, but it is locked. However, the sound of someone typing comes from the other side.]
Austin : Possibly someone typing 'blah', alot [Knocks on the door]
Alice: Well, maybe, but all the files were handwritten.
[There's no answer from the door and the typing doesn't stop.]
Alice: [Peers in the keyhole] Oh. [Stands straight up] Well, that's disturbing. Austin [Uses his pocket mirror to look indirectly through the keyhole] What is it?
Harvey: [Impatiently cranes his neck to see into Austin's mirror] Come on, now, what did you see, niece?! [Somehow, everyone manages to gather around to look. Sitting at a typewriter is JEMIMA, a secretary who bears an uncanny resemblance to JEROME.]
Dur: What is it? What's the problem?
Jemima the Secretary Scarlett [looks nervous and holds her file] We should try to find the key. This place is giving me a bad vibe.
Austin : [Looks quite pale and steadys himself on the wall] Quite the ugliest woman I have ever seen. [Puts his mirror away]
Alice: That's what we're trying to do! Maybe it's in there?
Dur: Yes, but a woman nonetheless. [Gives a sexy growl] Roar!
Alice: [Disturbed by Dur] Hm. It's a little weird how like Jerome she looks, isn't it?
Scarlett: Should we try busting the door down.
Vamp.Girl is me Heather...well another Heather =)
Austin : [Admiring Scarlett, sighs in relief] Please, be my guest [Gestures towards the door]
yep I know you're a Heather too, that's why I'm calling you Vampguril!
Clint: Try? Ha! Stand back! [Flexes his foot and glances over at Harv for the go ahead.]
Alice: [Impatiently] Well, will one of you open it?
Austin : [To Alice, sighing] You just can't get the staff these days. [To Clint and Scarlett] Kick the door down on the count of three please. One, two, three!
Clint: Hey, no need to drag your sex life into this, lawyer! [Obligingly boots the door.]
[CLINT easily smashes open the door, leaving it hanging on its hinges.]
Jemima: [Still typing away, but glancing up and speaking in a voice that sounds distinctly female, but rather like Jerome too] May I help you?
Alice: [Getting a little flushed] Er, who are you?
Jemima: My name is Jemima.
[Bing! The typewriter shoots up a page which JEMIMA grabs, balls up and throws at the party. When it hits the ground, it explodes, knocking everyone to the ground.]
Clint lose 10hp, everyone else lose 5hp
Austin : [To Clint] After you. I get the impression that she is more your type.which to
Clint: [Picks himself up and dusts himself off.] Hey! No one paper bombs me and gets away with it!
And now, there's an inconveniently scheduled PhD defense I must attend.
Jemima: Really? [Bashes off another page which she rolls up and lobs at Clint]
[CLINT takes the brunt of this one, and is thrown violently back against the wall, losing consciousness.]
Lose 25hp Clint
Alice: Yikes! I guess the uh, pen is mightier than the sword after all!
Austin : [Tries to jam the waste paper basket over Jemima's head] It is exploding paper! Not a pen!
have a great weekend peeps!
[Just as AUSTIN is within inches of JEMIMA, she finishes another page and lobs it directly at him, blowing him across the room, stunned but conscious.]
Austin lose 20hp
Alice: [Ducking outside the room] Retreat! Retreat! Hey! I've got a great idea! [Grabs one of the "blah blah blah" pages from her file, rolls it up and throws it at Jemima] Hah! See how you like that, bitch!
[The paper bounces harmlessly off JEMIMA's head.]
Austin : [Tries to get out of the room] Run!
busy here today, low posting, perhaps after 2pm it'll pick up :o)
[The party scramble to get away from the exploding paper, and nearly run into LUCY, looking quite different from when the party saw her earlier. She is covered in blood, especially her face and hands.]
Lucy: [To the party] I'll look after this.
[LUCY enters the room and slams the door behind her.]
Harvey: [Attempts to follow Lucy] Come on, troop, we must save her!
[HARVEY tries the door and finds that it is locked.]
Alice: Come on! Kick it in! [Looks a little puzzled] Again!
Hi folks, Kevin's address is back on
Chastity: [Attempts to heal the worst injured of the party] And I thought the worst you could get is a paper cut.=20
[CHASTITY casts a healing spell on AUSTIN, but nothing happens.]
Alice: Uh oh!
[The door opens. Enter LUCY, covered in even more blood, holding JEMIMA's head.]
Scarlett: [Jumps and moves as far away as possible. Speechless]
Dur: [Wakes up yawning] What'd I miss?
Alice: It looks like Lucy just ripped off Jemima's head - with her teeth!
Lucy: Don't be ridiculous. I used my bare hands. [Looks at Austin] So. She didn't kill you then? Good.
Alice: [To Scarlett and Dur, whispering] For her, that's the equivalent of telling him she loves him.
Harvey: [Amazed] By the saints, Miss Lucy, how did you manage that?!
Lucy: I put my knee on her chest, held her head down with my hand and ripped her throat out with my teeth. I hate that bitch.
Scarlett: [Looks impressed, now that the shock has worn off] Can you teach me how to do that?
Dur: [Licks his chops] I hope you saved some for the rest of us!
Lucy: [To Dur, gesturing with the head to the bloody carcass inside] Knock yourself out, freak. [To Scarlett] Yes, but why should I?
Scarlett: [To Lucy] Because I will owe you a favor.
Austin : [Coughing, straightening his cuff anf frowning at the burned singed parts. To Lucy] Thank you. [Coughs]
Lucy: [To Scarlett] You already do. I just saved your life. [To Austin] It is wonderful to see you. What are you doing here?
Clint: Getting beat up by a freak throwing exploding letters, just like the rest of us!
Lucy: [Narrows her eyes at Clint for a moment] Ah yes, I had forgotten your talent for stating the obvious.
Austin : [To Lucy] It is good to see you to, alive and well. [Pauses and gets up] We were trying to catch your murderer, I believe he went by the name Genesis, or somesuch, and we folloewd him into the basement of a warehouse near your house, where we encountered some hooligans who beat me unconcious [Shrugs] Then I woke up here.
Lucy: I thought my murderers were Jerome and Pestilence?
Clint: Same for the rest of us, except he wasn't with us, and the fish-woman and the dog with the human head were!
Austin : [To Lucy] They were you murderers too, the first time you were murdered, then this guy Genesis murdered you again.
Clint: Though you seem to be doing pretty well for someone who's been murdered twice!
Lucy: [Salaciously rubbing blood and entrails across her chest] I always do pretty well.
Alice: Actually, Aus, it was Jerome the first time. The second time we thought it was Pestilence but the cops said it was Genesis.
Austin : [Goes over to Lucy, holds her hands and gives her a kiss] Good to have you back.
Lucy: [Reciprocates the kiss] And it's good to finally see you react! Now, how do we get out of this place?
Austin : [To Lucy] Missed you. [Kisses her again]
Harvey: [Clears his throat politely] Ahem. Yes, we're all delighted to find you alive, Miss Lucy! And in [regards her bloody appearance] fine fighting form, no less! How were you brought to this dreadful place? Has anyone tried to shrink your head and put it in a jar?
Lucy: Just that awful Flakefly thing. I find that a few punches to the back of the neck accompanied by some bitingly sarcastic remarks about his skin encourage him to leave me alone. I have no idea how we came to be here.
Alice: How long have you been here?
Lucy: No more than a few hours. We really need to get away from here.
Harvey: I quite agree! You wouldn't happen to know a way out, I suppose?
Clint: [Regards Harvey strangely.] Harv, *we* know a way out. We just need to find the key to the front door! [Eyes Lucy's swords.] Maybe that paper-tossing bimbo had it?
Alice: Good idea, Stinky! [Opens the door, to reveal Doctor Radius, Doctor Fibula and Doctor Ulna standing in the room, with no clear way of having got in]
Austin : That's a bit weird. [Ponders] Perhaps this is all some strange kind of hallucination or mind control, nothing here makes any sense.
Heather is away
Scarlett: I don't like it. Let's capture one and beat the truth out of her!
Dur: Quick, rip off their heads!
Clint: [About to charge.] Let's talk about that later!
Scarlett: [To Clint] First to knock out a doc wins! [Picks up a piece of broken chair and charges at Fibula]
[FIBULA betrays no emotion whatsoever, and simply takes out a syringe and shoots it into the air like before. As she does, SCARLETT falls down unconscious.]
Alice: [Pointing behind the party] Look! There's more of them!
[All the male doctors, that is, CLAVICLE, STERNUM and SCAPULA are approaching from behind, all wielding what appear to be enormous scalpels, each with a blade at least a foot long.]
Dur: Guard your kidneys!
Alice: [Cups her breasts] Uh, they're here, right?
Harvey: [Shields his eyes from Alice's self-groping] Run, troop! We don't want to end up on a shelf!
Lucy: I'll take them, you run!
[RADIUS takes out a syringe and gives it a squirt, sending ALICE crashing to the ground.]
Harvey: [Runs toward Radius and tries to karate chop him] Bastard! How dare you [hesitates, puzzled] do whatever it is you're doing with all that squirting!!
Clint: [Looks from Scarlett to Alice and back.] Dammit, I can't carry them both! [Runs up to help Harvey instead.] I'm on my way, Harv, hang on!
Chastity: What kind of trickery is going on here? [Attempts a dispel magic spell]
[CHASTITY casts her spell, but is suddenly left holding a huge, half peeled banana. Meanwhile, the rest of the doctors take out syringes too and squirt them, sending the rest of the party unconscious.]
End of scene, next one coming up
[Book VI, Act IV, Scene V. Outside The Hospital. ALICE, AUSTIN, CHASTITY, CLINT, HARVEY and SCARLETT are here, lying outside a large hospital like building, the windows of which are barred. Everyone's wounds are healed, and all are back to full hit points. The grounds are fairly large and well kept, with a number of small wooden buildings, and there appears to be a large wall around the whole thing, so the party are inside some sort of compound. There is a siren going off and a VOICE is making an announcement over a tannoy system, which is the same voice that the party heard in the first scene.]
Voice: 31 82 157 5 129 130.
Alice: [Waking with a jerk] Chastity had a banana! [Looks around] Huh. Not again! whole compound. same
Clint: [Startles awake, opens his eyes warily, and scans the area.] Hell.
Scarlett: [Shaking awake too] Oh for - ! What the hell is going on here?
Harvey: Some flim-flammery, if I'm not mistaken!
Chastity: [Looks at the half peeled banana that she's still holding] Flim-flammery indeed, Colonel! Strange forces are afoot and we must get to the bottom of this otherwise we'll never get to the bottom of this.=20
Austin : [Looks around] Where is Lucy? [Sighs. Pauses] Well at least we are outside now. Lets see if we can find Lucy, I guess she may still be inside.
Alice: [Takes a look at the front door and tries it] Huh. It's locked!
Harvey: What the blazes is going on, troop?! It's as if we're being tossed about in space and time, and I won't stand for it! [stamps his foot commandingly]
Alice: [Looks around] It looks like we're in some sort of compound in a jungle!
Voice: 31 82 157 5 129 130.
Harvey: [Surveys the compound's external wall] Let's try to find a way over this wall, shall we? I've had enough of those blasted numbers, and we don't want those doctors after us again!
Dur: I think that if we all stood on each others shoulders, I may just be able to reach the top.
Scarlett: [holds her head] Does anyone else hear a voice repeating numbers or did I land on my head?
Austin : [To Scarlett] Your head looks fine to me. [Glances over Scarlett] And the rest of you looks fine too. [Pauses] Oh, and I can hear the numbers quite clearly too.
Alice: Wow, she must have given her head a really bad bang! Scarlett [To Austin] Thanks, And I am glad im not the only one. Can you tell which direction the voice is coming from? [Pointedly ignores Alice and her comment]
Alice: [Waves her hands around her head in crazy style] Right inside your skull! [There seem to be loudspeakers dotted around the compound.]
Clint: Hell, what's with those numbers, anyway? They're not the same ones as they were using inside, I don't think. Only an idiot would chant random numbers over and over if they didn't mean something!
Dur: [Agrees with Clint shouting] 19 32 67 11!
Austin : [To Alice] Does your mathematical genius know of any relationships between these numbers or the previous ones?
Chastity: If only my third husband, George, was here. He was quite a whiz with mathematics. He'd be able to figure out a pattern quite easily. [To Alice] He taught maths at the Queens View Grammar School for Girls. Quite a respected teacher he was. The girls were always calling round for private tuition. [Proudly] I can still hear some of the girls' squeals of delight coming from the study. He must have made maths so much fun!
Austin : [Raises his eyebrows briefly] I must brush up on my mathematics sometime. [To Alice] So, Alice can you extract some form of mathematical relationships or meanings from the number sequences?
Alice: [To Chastity] Yes, I'm sure he had a real eye for figures. [To Dom] Nope, nothing leaps out at me yet. It's like there's some piece of information missing that tells us what the pattern is.
2 42 51 91 2 123 3 9 11 10 114 67 98 31 82 157 5 129 130
Clint: [Frowns in frustration.] There goes that idea. I've no time for numbers!
> ### 2 42 51 91 2 123 3 9 > ### 11 10 114 67 98 > ### 31 82 157 5 129 130 If this is some pseudo-random sequence, I shall be most displeased. You realize you've got me thinking about the bloody numbers rather than writing a paper, aye?
Austin : [Frowns] It may well have something to do with Pertillence, counting to 180. We never did find out what that was about. All of the numbers so far are under 180, and none have been repeated.
Alice: I think you mean you have [emphasis] zero time!
[Enter MASHATE, who appears to be a set of Siamese twins, MASHATEA (right twin) and MASHATEB (left twin).]
Mashate : [Singing in unison, as they skip along] Hospital breached return to secure levels! Hospital breached return to secure levels! [They stop when they see the party.]
Mashatea: Hi there!
Mashateb: Hospital breached return to secure levels!
Good! I promise there's a sense to them - well, some sort of sense!
Harvey: [To the twins] Good heavens, what's breached the hospital?!
Mashatea: We have!
Alice: [To Austin] Actually Aus, 2 was repeated in that first set.
Mashatea: [Gives a big yawn] What are you doing here?
Mashateb: I'm stuck to you, I have to go where ever you go.
Mashatea: No, I'm stuck to you, I have to go where ever YOU go.
Mashateb: No! I'm stuck to YOU!
Dur: They sound worse than us!
Dur: They sound worse than us!
Alice: No! We're worse than them!
On 1 May 2008, at 14:51, "Day, Kevin R. (Las Colinas) NA"
Dur: YOU maybe.
Harvey: [To Dur] No, YOU!
Clint: [To Mashate] So, freak, how'd you get out?
Dur: Ok, ok! We ARE worse than them! Can we please move on before we completely forget what we are arguing about in the first place!
Austin : [To Clint] Charming as ever, Mr. Scar. [To Mashate] Please ignore the pungent Mr Scar, he is quite ingonrant and offensive to everyone. Do you happen to know the significance of the number sequences is?
Mashateb: [To Clint] Hospital breached return to secure levels!
Voice: [Over the loudspeaker] 31 82 157 5 129 130.
Mashatea: [To Austin] What numbers?
Austin : [To Mashatea] Those numbers that were just broadcast over the loudspeakers, namely, 31 82 157 5 129 130. Did you not heard them?
Mashatea: What loudspeakers?
Alice: [Points at one] Those loudspeakers!
Mashatea: Huh. We always thought they were flowers.
Clint: [Disbelievingly.] C'mon, you've got to be pulling my leg!
Mashatea: [Ignores Clint and turns to Mashateb] Let's go to the statue.
Mashateb: Great idea!
[The two head off, skipping away in an annoyingly perky manner.]
Alice: I don't know what's weirder. Them not being able to hear the loudspeaker or them thinking that they are flowers!
Austin : [To Alice] The fact that the do not hear the numbers is obviously weirder [Tuts]
Clint: Nah, it's the two heads that does it for me!
Scarlett: [Stands far away and appears deep in thought]
Sorry busy morning.
Alice: [To Austin] So what you're saying is that [points dramatically at him] you believe the loudspeakers are flowers too? at him] you believe the loudspeakers are flowers too?
Chastity: I hate to say this, but we're surrounded by lunatics and freaks the likes of which I've not seen since... Since the missionary of '76. [Shudders, and the light goes dark. Speaking slowly] It should have been a routine mission. Tend to the ill. Feed the poor. Spread the word of Phili, that kind of thing. Little did we know the horror we were about to face. [Dabs a tear from her eye, voice cracking] We lost seven good nuns in one night.=20
Harvey: [Encouragingly] Courage, good Sister! There are men traveling with you this time, so you will be safe!
Alice: [To Austin] Who knew there were ever that many good nuns!
Austin : [To Alice] Well, it is all a matter of perspective really. It's just a habit after all [Smirks at his own weak pun]
Alice: [Grimaces at Austin's feeble word play] Well, what now? Try to get back into the place we were trying to get out of? Or explore outside some more? Did I hear those weirdoes talking about a statue?
Austin : [To Alice] I believe that the correct terminology is 'Siamese twins', not 'weirdos', which I must say is exceptionally non politically correct!
Alice: [Mutters under her breath] Siamese twin!
Clint: [Helpfully.] I find that "freak of nature" covers it pretty well too! Although maybe they were one of those weird experiments, like the fish-woman and the dog-person.
Austin : Possibly, Mr Scar. [Smirks] But two heads are better than one. [Smirks again]
Alice: Depends on what two heads they are Aus. I mean, if it was Heaving Stalking and Albert Ryanstein, then fair enough, but if they were from two dead people, well, I don't know.
Harvey: [Scoffs] Ryanstein?! What a highly unlikely name. Sounds like a charlatan!
Alice: Nope, he was French, or something.
Harvey: [Stomach growls] What I wouldn't give for a plate of Freedom Fries!
Alice: [Jumps back from Harvey's stomach, startled] Let's check out this statue the Siamese Weirdoes were talking about.
[The party head off in the general direction that MASHATE took and come to the statue. They are sitting on some grass in front of what is clearly a statue of AUSTIN, looking particularly heroic.]
Alice: [In shock] Oh. My. God.
Voice: 31 82 157 5 129 130.
Mashateb: Hospital breached return to secure levels!
Clint: [Mouth agape, and looking at the statue, then Austin, then the statue again.] What the hell?! How much did you donate to their evil research, lawyer?!
Austin : [Fighting to keep his smugness at bay. To Alice] So you think =20 it is a pretty amazing statue also. [Considers the statue] It is =20 rather fine. [Looks for a plaque or engraving. Nonchalantly] What good =20 taste they have in this neck of the woods. Obviously they have a great =20 appreciation of beauty and art, and a fine eye for quality and a truly =20 inspired sense of taste.
have a great weekend everyone!
Alice : [Looks over at Clint, shocked] Yeah, sure, Aus, that's what I meant!
Harvey: [Looks at the statue of Austin disapprovingly] Private Sleaze, if you keep your nose clean and stay loyal to the troop, future generations will erect statues in your honor. A good soldier does NOT have statues erected in his own honor!
Alice: Huh! What about that statue we had to make of you when were kids? Remember? That time when it was snowing? We used pieces of coal for the eyes, a carrot for the nose and pieces of carpet for the medals?
Harvey: [Beams] Damn fine likeness, too, I must say. [Gloomily] And then came the thaw. . . .
Alice: [Comfortingly] There's no escape from the long arm the thaw.
Clint: [Looks from Alice to Austin.] If you two don't stop with the stupid puns, you'll be thawry!
Alice: [Hangs her head in shame] You're right. It's snow joke.
Austin : [Deadpan] Thawed time lucky. [Rolls his eyes]
away until Wed
Alice: Thaw it theems. But anyway. Statue of Austin in the grounds of a place with lots of freaky weirdoes. What are the chances?
Bank holiday here today, no posting from us until tomorrow
Chastity: [Inspecting the statue] It is rather a striking resemblence. Right down to the annoyingly smug grin.
Harvey: [Nods and adds with barely concealed delight] And that's SNOW joke! [Laughs hysterically]
Austin: [Looks at Harvey with a mixture of sympathy and disgust] Quite. [Strikes the same pose]] Yes, it is rather magnificent.
Alice: Actually, it's starting to disturb me a bit. Can we take another look around?
Harvey: Agreed, surely we can find a statue of something more pleasant, like a war hero or some such!
Alice: Yes! It has to be better than this!
[The party head further south, and encounter yet another statue of AUSTIN, in a striking golfing pose, somehow looking stylish in golf clothes.]
Austin: [Unable to contain his smile] I think I'm starting to like this place.
Harvey: [Scratches a sideburn thoughtfully] Troop, I'm starting to think we might be stuck in some crazy nightmare world!
Alice: [Checking out the statue] I think you might be right! What the hell is wrong with these people?
Voice: 31 82 157 5 129 130.
Dur: Well, if you had to listen to those dreadful numbers all day long, don't you think YOU'D be a little crazy too?
Alice: Maybe a LITTLE crazy, but Austin statue making crazy? I don't think so! think >so!
Dur: [Looks thoughtful] I suppose you're right. They must have been crazy before they got here and are using the numbers to drive other crazy!
Alice: That might work on you, Dur, but it certainly won't make me [has to raise her voice to be heard over the sound of wooden clunking approaching the party, but stops and does a double take] crazy?
[Enter PINNOCHIETTE, who appears to be a woman made out of wood.]
Pinnochiette: [Clearly talking about the statue] Isn't it just great?
Alice: Don't tell me, you get hard just looking at it!
Pinnochiette: Well, as a matter of fact, I do!
Had to go for it!
Clint: Well, who axed you anyway?
Ugh. Comcast has done something odd and until I have time to call them and sort it out, I am without home internet again. This isn't too dreadful as I leave for France tomorrow.
Pinnochiette: My my, you are a mean boy, aren't you? [Adopts the same golfing pose as the statue and makes the sound of hitting a golf ball as she swings]
How long are you away for Tom?
Scarlett: [Reaches for Pinnochiette] What are you? [Looks to the others] Am I the only one freaked out by this?
Pinnochiette: [Shakes hands with Scarlett] Pleased to meet you, that's what I am!
Alice: We're still recovering from seeing the statues of Austin, but no, we're ALL freaked out!
Harvey: [To Scarlett] Not to worry, Miss, just stand back out of harm's way and I'll protect you from this shapely horror!
Pinnochiette: Why, thank you sir, but I can look after myself.
Scarlett: [to Pinnochiette] I think he was talking to me you walking tree. [to Harvey] Thank you Sir. But I am capabile of taking care of myself.
Clint: I'm sure you can. Who'd want to harm a wooden broad anyway?
I'm in transit tomorrow afternoon, arrive Thursday. Friday is free, Monday I have, in principle, email in the conference room. Tuesday fly to Cork, Wednesday fly back to Paris, Thursday fly home.
Pinnochiette: [Gives Clint a salacious wink] No one in their right mind!
Alice: Sand paper manufacturers?
Harvey: Enraged beavers!
Alice: Oh, honestly, Uncle Harvey! Just because they're an all girl heavy metal band doesn't mean they would want to hurt this - this, uh, whatever it is.
Pinnochiette: I'm a real girl!
Harvey: [To Pinny, pleasantly] Sure, sure! Now, we mean you no harm, Miss, but we must be on our way. We've no time to speak to oversized children's toys, you see!
Pinnochiette: Oversized children's toys? Wow! Where are they? Can I see them? You know, you better be careful with them, they could be a trap!
Dur: When I was growing up, the only toys I had were the rats that died from my mothers cooking. Of course then my mom would yell at me. [In a mocking female voice] "Don't play with your food, Dur!"=20
Scarlett: I didnt have any toys growing up either Dur. [Attempts to pat him on the back]
Alice: I had loads of toys, but my favourite game was Watch The Poor Eating Rats. It was great fun.
Scarlett: [Rolls her eyes at Alice] Of course you did dear.
Austin: [To Pinnochiette] Who is this fine statue of?
Pinnochiette: [Dreamily] The Chosen One.
Scarlett: The Chosen one of What?????? [Sounds impatient}
Dur: Chosen for what?
Dur: What was he chosen for?
Scarlett: [Approached Pinnochiette and get in her face] Stop playing dumb and tell us what the statue is and dont give us that stupid answer of the Choosen ONE!!!
Pinnochiette: [To Dur] To be a statue! [To Scarlett] You'd better get out of my face. I've got a splinter here with your name on it!
Alice: Cool! Is it like having someone's name written on a grain of rice or something?
Harvey: [To Pinny] Now, see here, Miss! I won't stand for you threatening a helpless woman! Cease your wooden toy bullying at once, and we will leave you to worship Private Sleaze in peace!
Clint: You tell her, Harv! [To Pinny] Hey, Toots, you got a toothpick you could peel off your thigh or something? There's something stuck in my ear. Scarlett [throws her heads up in frustration] Lets just make a fire with her!
Pinnochiette: [To Harvey] Then go! [To Clint] Sure do, Honey. [Sucks her finger salaciously] Show me this ear.
Austin : [To Pinnochiette, cautiously, a little less smug than before] I am not familiar with the story behind 'the chosen one'. Who chose him, and what was he chosen for?
Austin : [To Pinnochiette] Were you always made out of wood, or were you once flesh and bone like the rest of us?
Pinnochiette: I was always made out of wood. Once the Chosen One arrives, he will make me human, by making sweet, gentle love to me.
Alice: [Raises her eyebrows] I sure hope he uses some sort of protection!
Clint: [Grabs his crotch reflexively and winces] Damn, the Little General hasn't retreated this far since The Battle of Hairy-Lipped Harriette!
Austin : [Grimaces at Clint] Another of your bearded 'girl' friends, Mr Scar? [Checks his nails nonchalantly. To Pinnochiette, curiously] And what other miracles will the chosen one perform?
Dur: Hey wait a second... [Looks at the statute and then at Austin as if he just realizes] Mr Scar? [Checks his nails nonchalantly. To Pinnochiette, curiously] And
Chastity: It's not a miracle until the deed has been approved by all seventy-four members of the Church Of Phili Miracle Approval Committee. Each member must be petitioned separately and then you need to file form 25-B with the central board.=20
Austin : [To Chastity] Miraculously, no one cares about your arbitrary committee of old spinsters, or what they approve or disapprove of.
Alice: Actually, Aus, I think you'll find that old spinsters care quite a lot about it!
Harvey: [Scoffs] What do splinters care about?!
Pinnochiette: I don't know, but I'll tell you what cares about splinters - sand paper!
[Enter all the doctors.]
Alice: Phew. I hope they're going to knock us out! [Thinks for a moment] Hey! Let's get the hell away from here!
Austin : Is this some form of mass hallucination? [Frowns] Perhaps it is something to do with the strange marks on our backs, are they still there? [Tries to feel the bumps on his back]
[There are no bumps on AUSTIN's, or anyone else's back.]
Alice: The last time this happened, they knocked us all out, come on!
Scarlett: Maybe we should knock the doctors out before they can knock us out?
Austin : This must be another of these shared dreams things that we have been having, as we no longer have those weird marks on our backs. [Frowns] Or perhaps this is real, and the bumps were not? [Shakes his head] Unlikely.
Clint: Let's get them! [Charges]
[DOCTOR FIBULA, looking completely impassive, slaps CLINT, knocking him to the ground.]
Austin : [To Clint] Mr Scar, we are evidently in some form of hypnotised dream state, which we are apparently not in control of, not fully at least. I do not excpect your tiny brain to understand that, but you should know that physical violence is not likely to achieve anything [Checks his nails casually. Frowns] Perhaps this is all in my mind, it was I, after all, that was knocked unconcious. [Frowns at the statue of himself, then at Pinnocette. Then check to see if he still has his Aspect]
[AUSTIN does have his aspect. While he's checking, the DOCTORS rush in. ALICE quickly gets a slap that knocks her to the ground, and it's clear that CLINT is unconscious.]
No posts from me until after lunch... --- F \ No newline at end of file
Harvey: [To Austin] If you think this is really your dream, why don't you prove it by stopping these dastardly doctors?! [Attempts to karate chop the doctor that slapped Alice]
Austin : I'll try [Thinking hard tries to imagine 100 Lucy Angels turning up, in a mixture of tight leather gear, girly lacy dresses, and smart business attire, and killing the doctors]
Scarlett: [Growls in frustration and rushes to Harvey's Side] I'll hold him while you smack her around.
Hi folks, no posting today either - normal service resumes tomorrow!
Austin : [To the doctors] Is all of this violence really necessary? I would appreciate it if you desist right now.
[AUSTIN concentrates hard for a moment, but nothing happens. HARVEY tries to attack the doctor that knocked down ALICE but misses. Meanwhile, another doctor swings at HARVEY and, although he doesn't connect, HARVEY is sent flying to the ground.]
Clint: You bastards!
[There is a tremendous clap of thunder, followed by what looks like a huge tear in the sky, through which blinding light momentarily pours, but which seals up again immediately.]
And I'm back!
Harvey: [Astonished, watching the sky] Try that again, Private Sleaze!
Austin : Certainly, colonel [Austin tries to wake up] This is just a dream. This is just a dream.[FIBULA approaches AUSTIN and slaps him hard on the face, knocking him to the ground unconscious. The huge cracks in the sky keep appearing as the rest of the party are also taken out, and soon are all knocked out.]
End of scene, next one coming right up
[Book VI, Act IV, Scene VI. A beach. AUSTIN, ALICE, CHASTITY, CLINT, DUR, HARVEY and SCARLETT are here, slowly waking up. The beach stretches as far as the eye can see in either direction. To the north, a short distance away, a figure appears to be writing something in the sand with a stick, while to the south, several figures are approaching on horseback.]
Alice: [Sits up quickly] Hm. [Looks around] Anyone else awake?
When you're ready to post, just have your char wake up
Scarlett: [Sits up and glances around. To Alice] I'm awake. [Stands] Please tell me is all beach and no water. [Looks and sounds paniced]
Alice: Uh, okay. Is all beach and no water.
[There is water here, slowly lapping the shore.]
Harvey: [Calls to the sand-writer] Hello, there! Could you tell us where we are, good fellow?
[The writer turns to face the party, it is PESTILENCE.]
Pestilence: Time is up.
[He has written the numbers 3 10 100 over and over again in the sand.]
Harvey: [To Pestilence] What do you mean by that? [Hopefully] Time for lunch?
Pestilence: Time is up.
Alice: Uh, those guys on the horses are getting closer.
Austin : [Stands up, brushing sand from his tailored Ta-da suit] I think he means time is going to end, for us at least. [Looks towards the horsemen] The horsemen of the apocalypse perhaps?
Alice: I don't think so, it seems like there are a lot of them, maybe twenty or so.
Scarlett: Damn it! We should stop them and see if they know where we are. [Waves her arms at the horsemen]
Dur: [Yawns] What did I miss? [Sees Pestilence and the horsemen and sighs] Wake me up when it's over.
[As the horsemen get closer, the party can see that they include CONTAGION, BODDY, IOK SOTOT, ROURKE, SLUG, STRAHD, MORTICE, GARAGANFARHUR, BALKLINE GROOT, and many other enemies of the party. They are all heavily armed and are bearing down on the party fast.]
Alice: [To Scarlett] I think we have their attention!
Scarlett: [To Alice] Wow. Really I wouldnt have thought that. [To the horsemen] Please we come peacefully. Can you help us?
Dur: [Hides behind Scarlett] I don't think we want their kind of help.
Scarlett: [Glances over her shoulder] Be a man would you. [Rolls her eyes]
Dur: [Swallows hard] No thanks, I'd rather be alive!
Austin : [To the Party] Run for the sea! Let's hope they cannot swim! [Swiftly sheds his suits and runs into the sea and starts swiming]
Scarlett: No Water! No Water! No Water.
Harvey: [To Scarlett] Pull yourself together, girl! This is the end of the world, surely a little dip won't kill you! [To the party] Come on, troop! [Plunges into the water after Austin]
Scarlett: NO WATER! [Holds her ground]
I wont be able to write anymore today. I have a ton of work to do. And Why dont we call me H.
Dur: [Looks at the water dubiously] I .... errr.... I'll stay here and protect Scarlett.
Alice: [Already stripped down to her itsy bitsy teeny weeny, yellow polka dot bikini] Oh, come on! These guys will kill you!
Austin : [As he swims deeper into the ocean. Sounds concerned] I hope that there are no sharks in here!
Alice: [Also swimming out] Oh, come on, Aus, what's the chances of seeing a - holy crap!
[Enter the DREEVILS, sharks with laser beams strapped to their backs. There are hundreds of them, approaching fast.]
Dur: And that's why we don't get in the water! EVER!
Alice: [Coughs up some water] It's sharks! Sharks with frickin' laser beams attached to their heads!
Austin : [Indignantly] These sharks are completely ridiculous, this has to be another dream [Swims back towards the shore] I don't believe that any of this is real.
Scarlett: [Rolls her eyes] I told you not to go into the water. Not even 5 minutes ago but do you listen? Is it because I'm the new girl?
Alice: [Swimming for shore] What? Sorry, I wasn't listening! --- F \ No newline at end of file
Scarlett: Thats the problem none of you LISTEN! [To Dur] Except you. [said with a flirtatious smile]
Alice: [To Austin, getting close to the shore] None of us Fissen? What the hell does that even mean?
[The horsemen are very close now, and all draw swords.]
Austin : [Slips his wet clothes off swiftly. Standing naked on the beach] It looks like we are all going to die horribly. Again. [Sighs] I hate dreams like this. [Watches the horsemen approaching, ready to dodge any attacks]
v busy today
Alice: Come on! Let's [does a double take on Austin] Wow! [Looks at his unfeasibly large penis and blushes a little, before fanning herself] How're you doin'?
Contagion: [Leading the charge] Get them! Cut off his tiny penis!
Harvey: [Glances at Austin's penis] It's still your dream, Private Sleaze! Now, imagine us up some horses and two-dozen honeyed golden locusts!
Scarlett: [To Alice] Oh Please. You are acting like you have never seen one before. Its not impressive at all!
Alice: You sure about that?
[CONTAGION leads the horsemen up, before leaning over and cutting off AUSTIN's penis, sending him to the ground screaming.]
Harvey: [Turns pale and charges after Contagion] You monster! Even in a dream, that's going too far!!!
Clint: You bastard! [Charges with Harvey, and pulls Contagion off his horse]
Alice: [Ducks down as the horses charge through] Let's get some weapons off them!
Dur: Don't worry Austin! A little surgery and we can re-attach your manhood! I could maybe even add a few inches if you prefer! [Tries to grab a horseman as they pass]
[DUR reaches out and pulls SLUG off his horse, just as ALICE reaches up and knocks ROURKE off his, meanwhile each of CHASTITY and SCARLETT receive blows from BALKLINE and BODDY respectively.]
Chas lose 10hp, Scarlett lose 12hp
Alice: Whoo! [Grabs Rourke's sword] Let's get them!
Austin : [Rolls around in the sand in agony, rapidly loosing blood]
Alice: Someone help Aus! [Swings at Rourke, connecting with him and knocking his head clean off] Whoohoo!
Dur: [Sighs as he tries to grab SLUG's sword] It's a bad time for surgery! [Tries to cast a healing spell on Austin].
Scarlett: [Crawls over to Aus and puts pressure on his wound] Kill and do it quick. [Rolls her eyes] That was a bad bad idea. [talking to herself]
Alice: [Swinging at Strahd, somehow taking down both him and his horse] Maybe you should suck the poison out?
[As soon as DUR finishes his spell, AUSTIN's penis magically grows back. SLUG tries to grab DUR, but CLINT steps in and cuts him down from the back.]
Clint: Don't beat up the doc, that's our job!
Scarlett: [Looks horrified] If there is any sucking to be done...You can do it Alice. [Stands up and goes to join the fight]
Austin : [Looks greatly relieved as his manhood grows back whilst Scarlett is holding it] This is certainlyon of my quirkier dreams! [To Dur[ Thank you for that.
Clint: [Swings at another horseman, knocking him down] If it's your dream, lawyer, why the hell am I in it? Being forced to look at your little lawyer?
Alice: [To Scarlett] No need, Scarlett, I'm sure you suck plenty good on your own!
[Each of HARVEY, ALICE and SCARLETT manage to knock down more horsemen. They ride away from the party and turn to regroup.]
Dur: [To Austin] It's a good thing that worked because my plan B was to fashion you a replacement out of sand!
Scarlett: [to alice] I suck well Dear but Austin isnt my type.
Alice: [To Scarlett] Is that supposed to be some sort of come on?
[The horsemen all take out huge bows and notch arrows in them.]
Scarlett: [to Alice] No. You are not my type either.
[All the horsemen give a collective "Awwww", before straining their bows back and letting loose their arrows. Just as they do, there's another huge rip in the sky, with blinding light coming through.]
Austin : [Looks up at the rip in the sky] It does seem as though some one is trying to communicate with me from outside this dream [Strains to see what is beyond the rip]
[A hail of arrows fall on the party, tearing everyone to pieces.]
End of scene, next one on FRIDAY
[Book VI, Act IV, Scene VII.The Beach. ALICE, AUSTIN, CHASTITY, CLINT, DUR, HARVEY and SCARLETT are here. All back to normal and all wearing clothes. This is a different beach to before, and there is an island visible in the water, with people on the beach there, but they are too far away to see properly. Further in shore here there are outlines of a large city.]
Alice: [Sitting bolt upright] What's going on?
Clint: [Already awake, playing with a bra] Nothing, I didn't touch your bra while you were asleep!
Austin : [Wakes up. Sighs] This is like a weird mix of a reality show =20 and a dream. I suspect this has something significant associated with =20 the Path. Perhaps that is why I had more pages than anyone else in my =20 medical notes in the hospital. [Checks his nails smugly] Because I =20 have progressed further down the path than the rest of you.
Alice: Maybe it's about who's the most conceited?
Clint: Weren't you second?
Harvey: [To Austin] Private Sleaze, I order you to get a grip! Your wild fantasies are whipping us around by the tail like so many tiny puppies on All Hallows Eve!
Austin : [Frowns at his sandy suit. Sighs] I could realy use a good tailor, whay don't we head into the city and get some fresh clothes and then get something to eat.
Alice: Good idea, Aus. [Glances back over at the other beach] So, do we think they're the guys who just fired at us?
Dur: [Wakes up and looks at Alice, then at the men on the other beach] Well, we do now!
Alice: And do we all think that we need to kill Dur as a sacrifice?
Clint: Well, we do now!
And I'm back, with plenty of jet lag to show for it!
Austin : Does anyone have a pair of binoculars? It might be worth while trying to see who those others are.
Harvey: No need, Private! I have eyes like a cat! [Peers into the distance] Six men on camels, wielding broken bottles!
Clint: Hell, lawyer, this is your freaky dream - imagine a pair up! [Pauses.] And while you're at it, we need a few more dames around here.
Harvey: Careful, Private Scar! Implying that Private Sleaze has no testicular fortitude will likely only cause him to imagine a pair so large he will be unable to walk!
Alice: [Staring in the opposite direction to Harvey, inland] Don't be ridiculous, Harvey, they're not camels, they're ostriches!
Austin : Worth a try I suppose [Tries to imagine Lucy Angel appearing on the beach, carrying some binoculars]
Heather's out today
Scarlett: Forget them! Let's see what's in the town.
Clint: Yeah! Maybe there's someone there who can tell us just what the hell is going on here!
Dur: Doubtful. Unless everyone in that town went through the same ordeal as we did. =20
Alice: Oh, come on, Dur! Do you really think that they'd learn as little as us?
Clint: They couldn't have!
Alice: Yeah! What are they? Idiots?
Austin : [Looks from Alice to Clint, then back to Alice] This is all a dream, this is all just a bad dream. [Pinches himself to try and wake up]
[AUSTIN pinches himself but nothing happens.]
Alice: If this really is a dream, then maybe we need to resolve something before he can wake up?
Heather's address has changed from vamp.girl to email@example.com, so please make sure you use that in future
Harvey: [To Alice, snapping his fingers] That's it! [To Austin, urgently] Private Sleaze, you must come to terms with your minute genitalia as of the now!
Scarlett: Do you really think thats the problem? That is messed up, his penis is minuscule not minute.
Alice: But it's really still a matter of coming to terms with it, regardless of whether it's miniscule or minute.
Clint: [Skeptically.] Why would Pestilence care about the lawyer's twig and berries?
Alice: Why should any of us!
Alice: Uh, we are still talking about his peepeer, right?
Clint: [Wincing.] Can we change the subject? Maybe we could get back to what the hell's going on!
Alice: Well, it's got to be something to do with those numbers - any idea what they mean?
Clint: Bimbo, you're the math genius, not me! I don't even remember what the numbers were!
Scarlett: Bimbo! [Chuckles] What was the sequences again?
Alice: [Holds out the numbers for the others to see] I took them all down. I'm pretty sure that the numbers themselves don't have any inherent meaning. There has to be something else we've seen or will see that will tell us about them.
Harvey: [Looks at the numbers] Gah, I can't see anything in them, niece! Private Sleaze, might they be significant to you somehow?
Alice: Or maybe, was there something going on when we heard them that might give us a clue? might give us a clue?
Chastity: I've always said that there are three kinds of people in the world. Those that can count, and those that can't. [Thinks hard] I wonder what the numbers mean.
Alice: Well, I think I did a great job of transcribing them. It seems like virtually every time we heard them someone else was talking at the same time - like that weirdo Glloom, who kept saying "The world ended for the second time today" that first time when we heard [checks her diary] 2, 42, 51, 91, 2, 123, 3, 9.
Dur: Non-sense! How could the world possibly end twice?!
Suddenly it all becomes clear ^^
Alice: Unless it refers to [emphasis] this world, if it really is Austin's dream?
Austin: [Sadly] Lucy died for the second time today.
Alice: Well, that has to be a clue. Can we relate that to the numbers?
Dur: Or maybe it's a code?
Harvey: Could be, Private Quack! Only how do we use it?!
Alice: I bet it is a code! Now all we need is something to show us what some of those numbers mean. Think everyone, was there something we heard or saw when those numbers first came up?
Harvey: [Scratches a sideburn] Well, there was that awful thud at the end, but what can that mean?
Clint: That someone clocked the person who was saying the numbers? [Shrugs.] I hate to say this, but I agree with Dur. I mean, look, each time a person kept repeating something, there were the same number of numbers as words, right? And that first nutjob repeated "the" once, and the voice repeated "2" once - and it lines up! [Pauses.] What does that mean?
Ugh. Now that you point out the words/numbers connection on the first guy... *hangs head in shame*
Alice: Hey! That's it! The numbers must be the same as the words he said!
And you call yourself a geek!
Sorry peeps, meant to say I am on hols yesterday, today and in =20
conference on wed and thurs and hols on friday! see you next week.
Quoting Conor Ryan
Clint: So what's the numbers for "wake the hell up, lawyer?"
Austin : [Sighs, checks his note pad] Well, Pestilence started this whole counting down from 180, then more recently said 'Time is up' and '3 10 100', the first two words being consistent with the other sentences that we have heard, and indeed the more recent number sequences and accompanying sentences are also internally consistent in their number-word pairs. [Glances around at the party] This suggests that we need to note several more sentences and sequences to complete what appears to be a 157 word, or more solution. [Puts his notepad away] Let's get to that town over there, perhaps there are more clues there? [Shrugs] We do not have enough to go on right now.
Harvey: [Beams at Alice] By Phili, I think you've got it, niece! Now, troop, let's march to that town and get to the bottom of this nonsense.
Alice: Okay, I've made out what all the words we've seen and heard so far, as each time there was someone in the background saying something. Glloom in the cells, the flakey guy who looked like Jerome ("It is all my fault"), the twins ("Hospital Breached Return to Secure Levels") and Pestilence ("Time is up"). Here's the list. [Shows the party the list, before they head towards the city, which is quite close]
"the" => 2, "time" => 3, "to" => 5, "today" => 9, "is" => 10, "it" => 11, "hospital" => 31, "world" => 42, "wake" => 49, "ended" => 51, "my" => 67, "breached" => 82, "for" => 91, "fault" => 98, "up" => 100, "all" => 114, "second" => 123, "secure" => 129, "levels" => 130, "return" => 157
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Clint: Thanks, Bimbo. Keeps me from having to do that myself. Now lets get the lead out! [Starts toward the city.]
Alice: No problem, Stinky. I was going to let you do it, but figured we didn't have a hundred years to wait.
[The party advance into the city, which is in ruins and appears deserted, but there is noise coming from one area, towards which they head.]
Austin: [Frowning] Curious. I wonder why this place looks so badly kept.
Clint: Probably because no one lives here anymore, lawyer!
Alice: Hey, if they had a town named after Austin, what would they call it, I wonder?
Harvey: [Beams at Alice proudly] That's a Short for you, always with the inquisitive mind! [Looks at the city] Private Sleaze, your mind is a bit tatty, isn't it?
[The party advance some more, and come across the sight of literally hundreds of AUSTIN's all working on a football pitch sized version of the pattern that the party have come across before. All the AUSTINs are wearing different clothes, but are all impeccably dressed. There is a metal plaque in the middle of the pattern, but the party are too far away to see it.]
Alice: Yikes! This is definitely the product of a diseased mind!
And there we're going to pause for a few weeks, until June 10.
Austin : [Blinks in disbelief. To Alice] Perhaps they would call it 'Austin', or 'Austin Sleaze', or 'Austinton'?
Alice: Let's check out that plaque!
Harvey: [Looking at the Austins] I don't like the look of this, Private Sleaze! It's like what happened with Deceased and Dishonorably Discharged Ex-Private Trindle! [Attempts to cross the pitch to see the plaque]
Alice: [Follows Harvey] I never seen so much silk in the one place!
[The AUSTINs don't try to block the party, who make their way slowly over the huge pattern.]
Alice: Hey! One of those Austins just pinched my ass! [Gives Dur a quick glare] Or did they?
Harvey: [Snaps at Dur] Keep your feathery fingers to yourself, Private! [Keeps marching toward the plaque] Can any of you read this blasted plaque yet?
Scarlett: [Laughs and Winks at Alice] Wanted to make you feel like a princess. Princess. =20
Dur: Excuse me Colonel, but pinching is hardly my style! =20
Clint: [Nods.] I hate to defend the doc, but it's not like Alice complained about someone trying to cut out her spleen so he could fry it up on a warm summer's day!
Austin : [Indignantly] Focus people! Focus! Can we try to proceed without bickering so much. This is my dream after all!
Alice: Maybe he was trying to get at my spleen through my ass!
[The party advance to the plaque, which reads "11 10 3 5 49 100 111"]111"]
Dur: Absurd! There are better ways at getting to your spleen than playing grab ass! [Points to the plaque] More numbers!
Clint: Yeah, and I don't think we've seen all of them. Let's see... [Furrows his brow in concentration.] "It is time to... something or other." Hells.
Alice: [Leans over] Almost, Stinky. It's "It is time to something up something". Hm. Anyone got any ideas?
Austin : [Sighs] It's time to wake up, Austin. [Austin pinches himself, wiggles his toes and generally tries to wake up] I have a nasty feeling that this is going to be very unpleasant. [Tries hard to wake up, remembering the real world]
[The ground begins to shake, and suddenly each of the party members other than AUSTIN start to shake and shudder. CHASTITY begins to sprout small horns, while CLINT quickly gets filthier and filthier.]
Alice: [Now with larger breasts and even skimpier clothes] Hey! What's going on?
Harvey: [Glances at Alice then shields his eyes] Gah! [Attempts to shake Austin awake] Private Sleaze, you must wake up!
Dur: [Suddenly sprouting a tail, and now eating a filthy and disgusting looking piece of cheese] What with the wake up already? This cheese is so delicious - it's a privilege to eat food that's older than you!
Austin : [Looks alarmed at the transformations of the rest of the party. Concentrating really hard] Must wake up! Must wake up!
[HARVEY begins to grow, not stopping until he is well over seven feet tall, and is now wearing a brilliant white uniform.]
Chastity: [Now looking more like a demon, wagging a scolding finger at Austin] You better wake up, young man!
Austin : [See Chastity, and tries desperately to contain his mirth. Sniggers a bit then burst out laughing] Haaaaa! Chassers old girl, finally showing us what you are really made of! Nice horns, what! [Sniggers, straightens his cuff]
Harvey: [To Austin, commandingly] Private Sleaze, you must come to your senses immediately! That's an order, soldier!!
Austin : [Suddenly sobers up, seeing Harvey's new form] Yes, colonel, [nervously] certainly, straight away [looks worried, then has an idea. Gets his pocket mirror out and fixes a steely stare on his own reflection. To himself] You are dreaming, this is not real! You cannot achieve anything in this state! Your life is in danger as you sleep! Wake up!
Austin uses his 'power' to try to dissuade himself from dreaming
[There is a tremendous crack of lightning in the sky, and the ground shakes, sending the party to the ground. The sky begins to get very bright.]
Alice: Come on Aus! You're doing it!
Austin : [Still staring at himself in the mirror, visibly straining in effort] Nothing here is real, it's all just a figment of your imagination! Wake up!
Heather is away for the next two days
Scarlett: [Leans in and looks at Austin] Hey! Wake up! [Slaps him across the face]
[Everything goes dark.]