The Queens View Affair - Current State

Last f rom me #1.7.158

[Book VI, Act II, Scene I. The Carriage. ALICE, AUSTIN, CHASTITY, CLINT, DUR and HARVEY are here, all exhausted. The party have been driving for three whole days, hotly pursued for the first two, but have slowly inched away until they find themselves in their current situation where they haven't seen anyone for a few hours. The party are completely and utterly lost, and have strayed into a desert area that they didn't even know existed. Food supplies are non-existent and everyone is parched. It is late at night and there hasn't been a sign of shelter for quite some time.]

Alice: [Pointing into the distance] Look! I think I can see a light!

[She's correct. There appears to be a soft white, warm and inviting light not too far ahead.]

For this act I'd like to use character sheets, so can everyone send me a list of what they're carrying please? There's no huge rush, but some time in the next few days would be great.

Harvey: Well spotted, niece! [Encouragingly] Come on, troop, there's bound to be shelter just ahead!

Austin : [Looks forlorn, then hopeful] Perhaps Peter is there. He'll know what to do.

Alice: Yeah, that would be just great, Aus.

[The party approach and soon see that the light is coming from DOLLY THE SHEEP, a plastic doll that looks like an inflatable sheep that's wearing too much make up, and is on top of a building that has "The Sheep Dip" written above it. The building is on the edge of a caravan (trailer) park out in the middle of the desert.]

Alice: [As they get closer] Uh, hm. Does that sheep look familiar to you, Clint?

Harvey: [Appalled] Troop, I haven't seen anything that disturbing since I was a young pup on three-day leave in Ramsterdam! [Shudders] The fleece! It was everywhere!!

Alice: [Sighs happily] Ah, Ramsterdam.... [almost loses control of the carriage, before pulling over] Okay, before we go in here, does anyone have any idea what the hell happened back there?

Austin : [Sighs] I don't know, maybe we are all still in a dream, remember the balloon trip and the good Trindle.

Alice: I don't know, Aus, that was years ago! Do we think that we are the ones responsible for those sacrifices?

Kevin is sick today

Dur: That angry mob certainly seemed to think so, and they seemed like reasonable people.

Please note! Kevin's work address has been taken off the list for the moment. Make sure you only use the addresses on this mail for the time being.

Chastity: I'm parched. Do you think we'll be able to get a cup of tea somewhere?=20

Harvey: [Stomach growls savagely] Indeed, Sister, and I could do with a bit of lunch myself.

Alice: Uh, good point, Chas. I feel kinda foolish now for concentrating on these things growing on our backs!

Harvey: Surely we must tend to our bodily needs first, niece?

Clint: Hell yeah! We haven't sacrificed anyone for three days - what could possibly go wrong now? Be a better pen pal.

Austin : [Looks weak and feeble. Looking at the Dolly the sheep place] Do you think they will have Louis XIV?

Alice: It's a restaurant in a trailer park with an inflatable sex toy on top - I'm sure it's going to be a classy place. [Pulls up outside the restaurant and turns to Clint] Let me just go on record as saying that I think this is going to be a disaster. Nothing good can come out of a place like this.

[Enter PO BEEP, a beautiful blonde carrying a shepherd's crook and dressed in a very, very short Little Bo Peep outfit.]

Po: Why, if it isn't some new comers! Come on in, folks, Big Daddy always does say that there are no strangers, just friends we ain't yet met.

Clint: Ha! Shows what you know, Bimbo! [To Po, in a suspiciously deep baritone.] Why, hello. Looking for last minute shopping deals?

Harvey: [To Po] You are very kind, ma'am! Are any of your sheep for sale, perchance? We are hungry and weary travelers in need of comfort.

Po: [Fans herself with her hand] What very fine deep voice you have, sir. [Holds her hand out dantily to Clint as she speaks to Harvey] Of course, sir! Let's see. There's egg and bacon; egg sausage and bacon; egg and sheep; egg bacon and sheep; egg bacon sausage and sheep; sheep bacon sausage and sheep; sheep egg sheep sheep bacon and sheep; sheep sausage sheep sheep bacon sheep tomato and sheep; sheep sheep sheep egg and sheep; sheep sheep sheep sheep sheep sheep baked beans sheep sheep sheep or Lobster Thermidor a Crevette with a mornay sauce served in a Provencale manner with shallots and aubergines garnished with truffle pate, brandy and with a fried egg on top and sheep.

Chastity: And what's the special for tonight?

Austin : [Fanning himself with a note pad] Lobster Thermidor a Crevette, sounds just lovely.

Po: [To Austin] And the sheep! Don't forget that! [To Chastity, after checking her notebook] That would be bacon, sheep, eggs and sheep.

Harvey: [Stomach roaring] I'd like double bacon, double ham, double sausage, double eggs, double sheep, and honeyed golden locust to start!

Po: Ah! Double sheep! There's nothing quite like it! [Holds the door open for the party] Come on in, weary travellers and rest a while.

Harvey: [Strides through the door] Thank you kindly, miss!

Austin : [To Harvey] Perhaps we should camp out in the dessert tonight, incase we have one of our 'bad dreams', we wouldn't want anyone to get hurt. [Muses] Perhaps we could hire a marquee.

Po: Oh, come on, honey! You folks look too kindly to hurt anyone! We have plenty of space for you to stay the night if you've nowhere else.

Hi folks - Kevin's address is now back on the list.

Chastity: [Reassured] How kind of you, I feel much better. I knew I couldn't have been responsible for those dastardly deeds.

Po: That's the spirit! [Looks puzzled] uh, dastardly deeds? On 05/12/2007, Dobek, Paul wrote:

Chastity: Yes, we were accused of kidnapping people and then carving their brains out. Have you ever heard of such a thing? [Chuckles]

Austin : [Sighs at Chastity] Subtle as dynamite! [Rolls his eyes. To Po] She has been having nightmares of late, getting on a bit too. I think it's all a bit much for her.

Sorry for my inactivity today, I am really busy. =20 =20 =20

Austin : [Sighs at Chastity] Subtle as dynamite! [Rolls his eyes. To =20 Po] She has been having nightmares of late, getting on a bit too. I =20 think it's all a bit much for her.

Harvey: Not to mention we haven't eaten in ages!

Po: [Looking a little freaked out] Are you sure?

[Enter FLO PEEP, another attractive woman dressed in a similar manner to PO.]

Flo: Oh, Po! Where are you manners? [Gestures to one of the tables, which is hardly visible amongst all the sheep related material that's cluttering up the restaurant] Please, please! Sit down!

Clint: [With a sleazy grin for Po and Flo.] Trust us. Do I look like the type that would lie to you, toots? Be a better friend, newshound, and

Austin : [To Clint] I think the smell ahs already confirmed that, Mr Scar.

Harvey: [Scratches a sideburn and looks thoughtful] Really? I'd have said Private Scar has a smell you can trust, nothing hidden or covered up by [waves hands vaguely] perfumes and so forth.

Flo: Oh, I know we can trust him. Now, please, all of you sit down. I'm afraid the bacon, eggs, ham and lobster thermidore are off the menu tonight, but how about some sheep?

Clint: [Still leering.] Yeah, sure, whatever. [Pauses as his mind catches up with his ears.] You haven't lost the sheep too? Looking for last minute shopping deals?

Austin : [Glances nervously at Chastity] Come now Mr Scar, no more talk of lost sheep and such nonsense. There are sheep everywhere. Mostly in the freezer in the kitchens I expect.

Po: [Giggles coquettishly at Clint's awkward flirting] Oh you! I can see we need a special waitress to deal with you! Come on, Flo!

[Exit PO and FLO through a door behind the counter.]

Alice: [Looking around at the garishly coloured decor] This is a weird place to find a restaurant.

Harvey: Agreed, niece, but should we look a gift sheep in the mouth and all that? We're tired and hungry, and this fits the bill!

Austin : [Moves and inflatable sheep off a chair and frowns at the poor quality of he furniture] Alice is right, it's all a little too convenient, not to mention odd.

[Enter BOB BEEP, a burly military type wearing a Bo Peep outfit similar to FLO and PO. He is carrying a tray of food.]

Bob: Hi every one! [Puts down the tray]

[The tray contains six glasses of milk and six plates of what appear to be sheep hooves.]

Bob:[Does a curtsy] Enjoy!

I forgot Flo's link: And here's Bob:

Harvey: [Gingerly picks up a sheep hoof and considers it briefly. To Bob, in a loud, polite whisper] Ma'am, I don't mean to embarrass you, but you've brought out the wrong part of the sheep! Would you please take these back and bring us the meaty bits?

Austin : [Frowns at the food] Stranger and weirder by the minute. [Looks around the place slightly anxiously]

Bob: [Roars with laughter at Harvey, and claps him chummily on the back] Haw! Don't be fooled by the costume, my friend, I'm not a lady. The name's Bob. Bob Beep. [Starts handing out the plates] These are a delicacy here, you'll love them.

Alice: [Picks at hers] Hey! Is this one wearing a glove?

Bob: [Respectfully takes off his hat] Ah, poor old Susie. [Puts the hat back on] She was one beautiful sheep!

Austin : [Prods a hoof with a fork to see if they are at all edible] I fear we may be hungry for some time to come.

[The hooves appear to be somewhat soft.]

Bob: Haw! Well, if you want free food, that's what you'll have to put up with!

Harvey: [Warily] Free, is it? That's very kind of you, madam, but I must ask how you can manage to keep this place afloat if you don't charge for these [looks at the squishy hooves doubtfully] tasty treats?

Bob: [Gives Harvey a curious look, before giving a big smile] Yeah, I suppose I do look strange in this get up. The reason we stay afloat without charging for those tasty treats is the excessively high prices we charge for everything else.

Alice: Such as?

Bob: Well, that question right there just cost you 5GP.

Austin : [Sighs] But she doesn't like the answer, so she is returning it. Colonel, perhaps we had better leave.

Chastity: [Picks at one of the hooves] Do you have any salad cream?

Bob: Why, yes we do - made from the closest thing to fresh sheep's milk that we have!

Austin : [Looks at the milk dubiously. To Bob] And what is the closest thing you have to fresh sheep's milk?

Clint: Never ask a question you don't really want to know the answer to, lawyer! [Eyes his dinner dubiously.] Be a better friend, newshound, and

Harvey: [In a loud whisper] I quite agree, Private Sleaze! [Pushes himself away from the table] Well, that was a delightful meal, but we must be on our way. Troop, let's move out!

Clint: And leave these poor, lonely, sheep-obsessed people all on their own? That would be criminal, Harv! Be a better friend, newshound, and

Bob: Oh well, if you've got to go, you've got to go. I'll just get Flo to make up your bill and then we can settle up.

Austin : [To Bob] Bill? How ridiculous! We have not eaten or drunk anything. You served us something so repugnant that I dare not even call it food! I believe I shall be contacting health and safety officials, and the 'where NOT to eat in the realms' guide if you choose to persue your quite absurd, present course of action.

Bob: Well, I guess that's your prerogative, but -

Alice: [Interrupting] Pejorative.

Bob: What?

Alice: The word, I believe, is pejorative.

Bob: [Slowly] I guess that's your prerogative, but you'll have to wait until you leave the restaurant to do that, and you're not leaving until you pay.

Away for most of the day!

Harvey: We'll not pay one GP for this inedible meal!

Austin : [To Bob, sternly] And you said it was free.

Chastity: [To Bob] Please, we are hungry. We've chased many miles by an = angry mob [glances at Austin] for no reason [turns bright red]. Are you = sure you don't have anything else for us to eat?

Clint: Hey, we could feature this stuff on "What the Hell Is That Smell" and make a killing! Be a better friend, newshound, and

Bob: Aw, what a show! We all loved it here! [To Austin] Yes sir, yes I did say that the food is free. And it is. The charge for stepping in here, well, that's something else altogether. Then there's the matter of the air, not wearing a Bo-Peep outfit. It does mount up, you know. [To Chastity] Sure, sweetheart. We've got plenty.

Harvey: Wait just a minute, miss, you never told us about these charges! We'll report you to the Bitter Business Bureau if you insist on this unfair charges, what!

Bob: And that's you're right. You should do that. As soon as you settle the bill and leave.

Austin : Colonel, I think we should leave before any other ridiculous local traditions catch us unawares.

Bob: Suit yourself. [Fishes out a piece of paper] Here's your bill.

[Everyone looks at the bill.]

Alice: Five hundred GP?? You must be joking!

Bob: [Looks at the bill, puzzled] Oh. [Moves his thumb] Sorry, it's actually five thousand.

Austin : Don't worry colonel, we have not signed anything and since there were no indications of any of these farcical charges before we entered the premises they are not legally binding in any way or form.

Bob: [Laughs out loud] no matter how often I hear that it makes me laugh! Go on, yet to get out! On 10/12/2007, wrote:

Dur: [Looking the man over closely he checks the stability of a nearby table] Ah yes! This will do nicely! If this man IS delusional, he may have a fatal illness, at which point I must insist that we operate immediately! [Inspecting a dull rusty fork and knife set] It will be nice to operate with such superior tools such as these. Come on then sir, up on the table! I'll have you righted in no time flat! [Thinks] Errr... that's 'no time flat' and not 'flat lined in no time'! No need to fear, I am a trained surgeon you know!

Bob: [Laughs] Haw! Trained surgeon? Just what we need for cutting up the meat!

Harvey: [Incredulous] What meat?! There are only hooves here!!

Dur: [Spitting into his hands and rubbing them together] There we are! All clean and ready to begin! Up on the table sir, I promise this won't hurt anymore than someone cutting into your torso with a dull rusty knife!

Austin : [Slightly anxious] Oh dear, I think this is going to be quite unplesant.

Alice: [To Austin] you mean we might have to eat them?

Bob: [To Dur] That's the spirit lad! Just let me get your bo peep dress and then I'll introduce you to the sheep. On 10/12/2007, Day, Kevin R. (Las Colinas) NA wrote:


Clint: Ha! Sounds like something one of the lawyer's sleazy friends would say! [Quietly, to Harvey.] Quick, Harv, while he's distracted, everybody sneak on out the back!

Alice: Good idea, Clint! [Deftly sneaks passed Bob, only to knock over a table almost immediately, making a terrible crashing noise] Gah!

[Fortunately, BOB is too preoccupied with DUR to notice. The back way out appears to be behind the counter, where FLO and PO went. The only other obvious exit is the way the party came in.]

Clint: [Gives Alice a look.] Keep going, Bimbo! That way! [Nods towards the counter.]

Dur: [To Bob] Trust me, there's nothing I'd like better than dressing in drag and molesting a few sheep, but your life may be in danger man! Now get on that table and let me look inside you!

Bob: Nah, your friends are busy escaping out the back, you better go with them. We can talk again.

Dur: [Looking very disappointed] Oh... ok. [Hurries away to catch up with the others]

Chastity: [To Bob] I'm just going to powder my nose. [Starts to walk after Alice] Alice! Wait for me!

Austin : [Dissapearing after the others] I must wash my hand before I eat.

Alice: [To the others as they sneak behind the counter] Careful, we don't want to run into anyone.

[As soon as the party step behind the counter and through to the kitchen, they spot FLO and PO.]

Po: Well, hi y'all! Escaping?

Harvey: Not at all, miss, we're just engaging in a rousing game of hide and seek! Now, close your eyes, count to 500, and then see if you can find us.

Po: Oh! I just love this game! [Shuts her eyes tightly] Er, what's the first number again?

Flo: I know! I know! [Takes out a book and starts flicking through it] I have it written down here somewhere.

Austin : [To the party] Let's get a move on! [Looks for an exit]

[AUSTIN leads the party through what is clearly the back door. Meanwhile, FLO makes a happy discovery.]

Flo: One! It's one!

Po: Yay! [Claps her hands happily] Now, what's the second one?

Flo: [Starts flicking through the book] Let's see....

End of scene, next one coming right up

[Book VI, Act II, Scene II. The Back of the Restaurant. ALICE, AUSTIN, CHASTITY, CLINT, DUR and HARVEY are here, having just come out of the back door. It's dark, but the party can see that they are definitely in some sort of trailer park, and that the restaurant was just a large trailer. There are three others nearby, arranged in a square, with several others off to the west (the party came in from the east), but it is difficult to see them from here.]

Alice: Well, that was weird!


Austin : [To Alice] I suspect that it is going to get a whole lot weirder. [Looks around in disgust] I hate trailer parks.

Chastity: Oh I don't know about that Alice. I've been on several missionary trips for my convent that have taken me to places much stranger than this place. I really made a difference to people's lives. Many people asked me about my missionary position. It was quite famous, if I say so myself.

Harvey: [To Alice] Not to worry, niece! The poor are more afraid of you than you are of them. Now, let's see if we can find shelter with some of these unfortunate souls for the night [heads to trailer 2].

Alice: I know, Chas, I've seen the photos. [To Harvey] Not that, I'm wondering why we went out the back and not the front! [Looks at the filthy trailer with a baleful eye] I suppose it doesn't look too bad.

[An empty bottle of whiskey come flying out through a window of the trailer and nearly hits the party.]

Austin : Did I mention that I really hate trailer parks?

[Enter ROC J and 20 SP, coming from behind the party, the former dressed in a sort of pimp type outfit carrying a tiny glitter ball and the latter as a rapper.]

Roc-J: [To Austin] Yo mo-fo, you had better start believing in trailer parks 'cause you're in one, know what I mean, mo-fo? [High fives 20 SP]

20: That's right.

Harvey: [Cheerily] Hello there, youngsters! Are your parents at home? We would like to inquire as to whether or not any of these fine trailers are available for rental.

Dur: [Looks around excitedly] Hey! These are some fancy digs! I'll have to look into buying one of these pleasant little homes if I ever get reinstated as a surgeon!

Roc-J: [To Harvey] Yo, mo-fo! You had better not be talkin' 'bout my ma, mo-fo!

20: That's right.

Alice: [Looks at Dur, alarmed] I don't know what's more disturbing. The fact that we're still in this awful place or that fact that you don't realise this awful place is such an awful place.

Austin : If only I could disbelieve in trailer parks, that would be a fine thing.

ma, >mo-fo!

Dur: [Shocked] Awful place!? Why they even sent out a welcoming committee [Pointing at Roc-J and 20]

Harvey: [To Roc-J, baffled] Your mamofo? Sorry, chappie, I haven't a clue what you mean. [To the party] Must be some of the local lingo.

Roc-J: Yo, bitch, you better not be dissin' on me and my hood, know what I'm sayin'? [Gives Dur a peace sign] Respect. [Hands over his tiny glitter ball to Dur]

what I'm sayin'? [Gives Dur a peace sign] Respect. [Hands over his tiny glitter ball >to Dur]

Dur: [Dumbfounded] Oooo Shiny!

Roc-J: Okay, bitches. You want to live here, you gotta work for the R, know what I'm sayin'?

Clint: [Looking around curiously.] No? Looking for last minute shopping deals?

Chastity: What kind of work did you have in mind? I'm sure we can put ourselves to good use around here.=20

Austin : [To Chastity, dryly] Perhaps we could put ourselves to better use elsewhere.

Roc-J: Yo, we gots us both kinds of work here.

use elsewhere.

Dur: [To Roc-J worriedly] But I have a very delicate bone structure!

Roc-J: Then I guess you gonna be a ho, mo-fo!

Alice: [To the party] Why are we still here? Why don't we just grab a handful of sheep hooves and get the flock out of here? [Roars with laughter so loudly that milk comes down her nose]


Clint: Why the hell would we grab the sheep hooves when we could be grabbing the shepherdesses, Bimbo? Talk sense! [To Roc-J.] And as for you, whoa, no mo', mo-fo. Whatever that means. Be a better friend, newshound, and

Harvey: Agreed, Private Scar! This nonsense talk is wearing me down. Let's move out, troop! [Attempts to knock on the door of trailer 2]

Chastity: I actually have a travel guide that I use extensively on my travels. Maybe I can translate what they are saying. [Pulls out a worn

copy of Boring Planet: Queens View] Hmm, there's a section on trailer parks in here in the Where Not To Venture chapter. Mo-fo, mo-fo, mo-fo. Ah! Here it is! Mo-fo means Mother Ffffffor Phili's sake, that is atrocious! [Attempts to slap both on the cheek] I'll wash your mouth out with soap if I hear that expression again.

[Just as HARVEY knocks on the door, CHASTITY's pulls off a double slap, getting both ROC-J and 20SP, who are standing conveniently close together.]

Roc-J: Ow! Hey Mo-Fo!

Chastity: [Takes a bar of "Filthy Mouth" soap out of her handbag] Come here you rascal!

[CHASTITY expertly grabs ROC-J by the wear and deftly washes his mouth out.]

Roc-J: Ow! Hey mo-fo! [Gulp. Takes a big drink of soapy water.]

Harvey: I'll thank you not to call the good Sister names, chappie!

Roc: [sounding strangely close to tears] Damn mo-fo washed my mo-fo mouth out! On 12/12/2007, Heather wrote:

Dur: Better him than us [looking at the soap warily].

[enter SANDY, an overweight man without any shirt on.]

Sandy: hey! Hey! Roc-J! Are you bothering these people? On 12/12/2007, Day, Kevin R. (Las Colinas) NA wrote:

Harvey: [To Sandy] Hello there, good sir! You look like you might know where we could find some food, if you wouldn't mind helping a tired and hungry troop!

Randy: Sure! I'd be happy to help. [to roc j] don't make me tell your ma! On 12/12/2007, Heather wrote:


Dur: That'll teach that rapscallion!=20

Clint: [Looks back and forth between Sandy and the restaurant.] Why are we out here talking to this guy again, Harv? Be a better friend, newshound, and

Austin : [To CLint] I do not believe that there was a plan, Mr Scar.

sorry, been out all day!

Clint: Well, let's come up with one!

Roc-J: You mo-fos better come up with the greatest plan ever, known what I mean? I'm talkin' about something that'll make Celebrity 37 seem like a mo-fo two SP ho, know what I'm sayin'?

Randy: Come on, Roc-J! Get out of here!

[Exit ROC-J and 20SP, to the south west.]

Randy: [To the party] Sorry about that, folks.

Austin : [To Randy] At least they did not sing one of those awful songs with no melody.

Alice: Medly.

Harvey: [Sighs wistfully] Ah, I miss the old days, when songs were about the noble things in life, like love and war, not the wretched things, like sex and violence!

Randy: So, you folks moving in?

Austin : [Looks around for an alternative. Sighs. To Randy] Do you know if there is a vacant trailer for rent, and if so how much is the rental fee?

Harvey: Yes, and is there a grocer nearby?

Randy: [To Austin] I sure do, I'm the temporary vice-assistant trailer park co-supervisor. Let's see, there are six of you, so I'm guessing we could set you up with a nice trailer for, oh... ten GP a night. Of course, if you want a roof, that'll costs you extra. [Turns to Harvey] A growser? Not sure what that is.

Dur: 10 GP? Do we look like we're made of money? If we had those kind of coins, we'd buy one of your fancy duplexes and be done with it!

Alice: [Suddenly bursts into laughter, real, tears in the eyes type, causing her to lean up against Harvey for support]

[Everyone turns to look, with her laughter a little infectious.]

Alice: Oh please! [Gives another roar, although she's clearly trying to stop herself from laughing] Oh my God! [Can't stop, but doesn't appear to be in any real pain]

Dur: Awww, Now what's wrong with her?

Austin : [To Dur] I expect that we may find out in a few minutes. Possibly. [To Randy] Unfortunately 10 gold crowns is way beyond our current financial situation. Is there perhaps a barn or something near in which we may seek shelter for the night.

Alice: [Calms down] Sorry! Sorry! For a moment there I thought that we were actually going to stay here!

Randy: [Ignores Alice] You mean like a stable or something? With a manger? An ox and a donkey? A star on top? Three wise men expected in the next few days? [Thinks] Nope, 'fraid not. We could probably sort you out with something for the more cost conscious tenant, though.

Harvey: Thank you, good sir! We are most appreciative of your generous hospitality. Just point us in the direction of these bargain accommodations, and we'll be on our way.

Dur: I hope it's not a dumpster. The last one I stayed in had a horrible rodent problem!

Austin : [Looks horrified at the thought] A dumpster? You stayed in a dumpster! [Raises his eyebrows] Well that explains a few things at least.

Dur: Oh like you've never tried it!

Alice: Come on, Aus, who [emphasis] hasn't woken up in a dumpster with a shoe missing?

Randy: [To Harvey] Sure! Back that way! [Points to the south west, where he came from]

Austin : [To Alice and Dur] Err, no, I have never woken up in a dumpster with only one shoe. [Starts walking to the south west] Let's go take a peek.

Alice: [Following Austin, but talking to Dur] He totally has, Dur! [Stops abruptly and points at a poster on one of the trailers] Look!

[It is a poster of JEROME. He has a big smile on his face and is giving a thumbs up. Written across the bottom is "Vote Jerome".]

Clint: Haw! I should have known Jerry'd be running for something - with his past, he's a born politician!

Austin : [Looking at the poster, perplexed] Is that good Trindle or evil Trindle? What is the date of the election [Looks for a date]

Alice: What do you mean "haw"? He's supposed to be dead!


Clint: Please, Bimbo. Evil genius, remember? Everybody knows that they never stay dead! Be a better friend, newshound, and

Dur: I have to agree with Clint. If the dead WOULD stay dead, I wouldn't be facing half as many malpractice suits. =20

Austin : [To Clint] Well Trindle was certainly alive when they took this picture. The question is, is this Trindle good or evil. If it's the good Trindle, then perhaps we are still in the the dream thing from years ago, or perhaps someone changed time or something, and our memories don't match the actual history of this time.

Austin : And none of us would be here [Gestures to the rest of the party]

Clint: [Triumphantly.] There, see?! Of course Jerry's not dead! Be a better friend, newshound, and

Alice: [Confused] Er, hooray?

Harvey: [To Clint] Don't you see, this undermines our reality! We thought we'd defeated him once and for all. If he's back, something amiss. Well, something more than the horrible nightmares and possible party-committed murders.

Clint: [Defensively.] I'm not saying we should send him Philimas cards or anything! Just that we shouldn't be shocked. Be a better friend, newshound, and

Austin : [Ponders] I suspect it may all be about the Path. Perhaps we can only be a good party if Trindle is evil, and vice versa, and since we forced Trindle to repent, then possibly the sword of soul stealing recycled him as a good Trindle, thefore we are, at least in the history of the present given setting, that being the one we are currently in, evil.

Alice: First of all, Austin, it's the [emphasis] dagger of [more emphasis] sword stealing. Second, look at the date on the poster - that's just next month! [To Randy, pointing at Jerome] Do you know who that is?

Randy: Sure. It's Dr. Jerome K. Trindle, BSc, PhD, one of the most evil humans to ever walk the earth, but who ironically was given credit for saving the world from the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.

Harvey: [Hopefully] Is he, perchance, running posthumously?

Austin : [To Alice] It was the Sword of Soul Stealing. Certain people who shall remain nameless were mistakenly calling it the 'dagger of sword stealing', because they are stupid.

Alice: Oh. [Thinks] Oh! I see! You mean yourself, don't you?!

Randy: [To Harvey] I don't know, maybe he is, and maybe he isn't. That's the beauty of Celebrity 37.

Austin : [Sighs and rolls his eyes. To Alice] No I do not mean myself! [Turns away in disgust. To Randy] And what, pray tell, is Celebrity 37? Another television show?

Alice: [To the others, whispering] He totally means himself!

Randy: [With a big smile] No, it's a plan, one of the greatest plans ever!

Austin : [Disregards Alice. To Randy] You seem to know all about it, would you care to enlighten us, please?

Randy: 'fraid not. You're too much of a part of it - that's why you and your friends will never leave here! [Gives a classic evil laugh, that just goes on and on and on. Eventually he stops] Ahem. Excuse me. Let's find somewhere for you to stay. After all, you're going to be here a long time.

And that's where we're going to stop for Christmas. Can everyone let me know what days they're going to be away for the next few weeks?

I'll be out half of today and then out the 24 and 25th but I'm not taking any vacation days so I'll be around. Just to be sure I have this straight, that last post was the last post? Kevin Day Receptionist =20 Hanson North America 300 E. John Carpenter Freeway, 15th floor Irving, TX 75062 =20 =20 =20 =20 =20

Randy: 'fraid not. You're too much of a part of it - that's why you and your friends will never leave here! [Gives a classic evil laugh, that just goes on and on and on. Eventually he stops] Ahem. Excuse me. Let's find somewhere for you to stay. After all, you're going to be here a long time.

And that's where we're going to stop for Christmas. Can everyone let me know what days they're going to be away for the next few weeks?

I'll be around for the most part except for the obvious days off (i.e. Kwanzaa). this Paul; let Dunno really. I'll be off xmas week for sure. d Quoting Conor Ryan : I'm headed off to visit the parents next Thursday, coming back on the 30th. Hurrah for even bigger time zone differences!

Austin : [Frowns] And what, exactly, is stopping us from leaving? [Looks around in disgust] Or perhaps that should be why, exactly, should we want to stay more than one night? [Follows the rest of the party]

I am back! Happy new year everybody! \o/

Happy new year Dom, but have we even started back up yet? Kevin Day Receptionist =20 Hanson North America 300 E. John Carpenter Freeway, 15th floor Irving, TX 75062 =20 =20 =20 =20 =20

Austin : [Frowns] And what, exactly, is stopping us from leaving? =20 [Looks around in disgust] Or perhaps that should be why, exactly, =20 should we want to stay more than one night? [Follows the rest of the =20 party]

I am back! Happy new year everybody! \o/

Sigh. His name is Sandy, not Randy! My mistake!

Sandy: The magical shield that surrounds the trailer park. It's magic. And it surrounds the trailer park. [Nods] It's a shield.

I'm back, but about to head to bed to get over jet lag!

No, start up is today, but I thought the pre-emptive post might amuse you until the real thing! d Quoting "Day, Kevin R. (Las Colinas) NA" :

Austin : [Looks at Sandy, and blinks] So is that a shield that protects us or one that prevents s from leaving?

That's the kind of enthusiasm I like to see! Can everyone try to get a post in today so we know who's around? On 08/01/2008, wrote:

Sandy: It's a little bit of the first and a little bit of the second. Well, a really little bit of the first and a lot of the second. Actually, none of the first and all of the second.

Alice: [Stares at Sandy for a moment] Which was the first again?

Sandy: [Pauses for a moment] It's a shield!

Dur: A shield you say? Well at least we'll be safe.=20

Alice: [Breathes a sigh of relief] Thank Phili for that!

Austin : [Exasperated] NO! It doesn't protect us at all! It just stop us from leaving so that Trindle can take over the world! [Sighs and rolls his eyes]

Dur: Well [as his mind pieces the puzzle together slowly] if Trindle is going to be running things out there, perhaps in here is the best place for us. Don't you think?

Harvey: No, I do not! The only place for soldiers is in the heat of battle!

Alice: I guess that depends on whether or not we want to stop him!

[The party follow SANDY and see some more trailers.]

Sandy: Oh, Trindle isn't running things out there. Don't worry about that, folks.

Updated map:

//>Updated Map

Austin : [To Sandy] So who is running things out here? [Glances around for anything out of place]

Sandy: You need to talk to John Smith. He's the top dog. The cock o' the hoop, umero uno, top man, the head honcho, the big cheese, numero uno, the man with the big hat, the master, El Supremo,El Capitano, the leader of the pack. [Points at Trailer number 6, which is in pretty bad repair, but seems tolerable]

Austin : [To Sandy] Perhaps we could go and see him now. Would you be so kind as to introduce us to him?


Chastity: [Takes out a handkerchief and wraps it around her hand before knocking on the door] Heeelloooo! Is there anyone at home.

Happy New Year all..

Dur: Shouldn't his trailer be labeled #1?

Happy new years Paul!

Alice: [Holding her nose] I think this one should be labeled number two!

Sandy: [To Austin] No can do - that's something you've just go to figure out for yourself!

[Exit SANDY, moving surprisingly quickly, leaving the party standing outside the trailer. A voice calls out from within.]

Voice: Chastity? Is that you? [Sounding genuinely happy] At last!


Clint: [Surprised as hell.] Who the heck would be expecting us here, Chas? Not one of your Georges?

Sorry I'm late all. Howdy!

Alice: Unlikely Stinky, they're all dead!

[Enter ALL into the trailer.]

End of scene

[Book VI, Act II, Scene III. The Trailer. ALICE, AUSTIN, CHASTITY, CLINT, DUR and HARVEY are here, having just arrived in. The trailer is very rundown and untidy, but there's a banner hanging up that says "Welcome Old Friends". Standing here with a huge smile on his face and holding a bottle of champagne is BOREY TREVOR, a man in his mid twenties with long plaited hair.]

Borey: Hey guys! Whoo! [Tries to open the champagne] Just a sec - [tries again and fails] Give me a minute - [goes through all manner of grunting and twisting, before just handing it over] welcome back!

Borey Trevor

Austin : [Glancing around at the filth in disbelief. To Borey] Erm, hello. How do you know us? I have no recollection of any previous meeting that we may have had with you. I am Austin Sleaze, and these are my colleagues.

Borey: [Laughs] Haw! I know who you are, Aus! Remember us all, fighting alongside each other? [Does a few fancy pretend sword swipes]

Austin : [To Borey] Yes, but which fight was it? Where? [Pauses] I am very sorry, but we have been in so very many fights they all seem to blend into one great big battle [Looks distant, then snaps out of it] And of course we have travelled in time quite a lot [checks his nails briefly] so perhaps your past is part of our future [ponders this] Sic transit gloria mundi.

Sic transit gloria mundi - Thus passes away the glory of the world.

Borey: Uh, Gloria Mundy? I'm not sure who she is, but I met you guys about three years ago, in Hysteria, when you guys sneaked in using those Pantomime horses, remember?

It's true that the party once sneaked into Hysteria in this way.

Dur: Nonsense! I've never been to Hysteria!

Borey: Ah! So you're Gloria Mundy! Good to meet you, Gloria! [Holds out his hand] My name's Borey. I expect these guys have told you all about me, eh?

Dur: That's DOCTOR Gloria Mundy to you pal. No... wait... that's not right.

Austin : [To Dur] No, but the rest of us have, and in pantomime cows too. Unfortunately. [Tries to remember] Hysteria. Yes.

Borey: [Shakes Dur's hand] How do you do, Doctor Mundy? Come on, let me show you around! [Looks behind him] Well, this here is the sitting room, and where you're standing is the kitchen. Over there, where Harvey is standing, that's the dining room and the cupboard behind Chastity is the bathroom. [Winks at Alice] How're you doin', Al? I bet you remember me!

Alice: Uh, not exactly.

Borey: [Laughs and claps his hand] Haw! If that isn't vintage Alice!

Harvey: [To Borey, giving Alice a pat on the arm] Miss, if my niece does not recollect you, I can assure you she it was NOT because she was drunk and being groped by strange men at the time, no ma'am!

Austin : [Watching Borey struggle with the bottle] May I to try to open that bottle?

Borey: [Laughs at Harvey, before turning to Dur] He always does that, pretend he thinks I'm a girl. It's because of my hair. [Thoughtfully] And perhaps my underwear. And maybe that time he saw me wearing a maid's dress? [Hands the bottle over to Austin] Sure, Aus, you can try, but I think the cork is broken.

Dur: A broken cork?! Something sinister is afoot! That dastardly situation aside, can you tell us why we're here. You know... since we're all old friends and everything.

Borey: Well Gloria, it is okay to call you Gloria, isn't it? I'm not sure why we're trapped here. I think it's some sort of test. Or not. Something like that. Once the election is over though, I think things will be different. I'll tell you one thing for sure, though, Jerome has definitely changed.

Dur: What do you mean we? The men outside said you were running this dog and pony show!

Borey: Me? [Selfconsciously] Nah, they were just funnin' with you, it was like that time when those guys said that Dicey was in charge of the party!

Just to clarify, they didn't say Borey was in charge, just that the party would have to wait to meet whoever's in charge

Austin : [Expertly removes the cork from the bottle, with a clear, rounded and subtle 'pop'] Do you hve any champagne glasses [Takes a sniff of the champagne and will try a swig from the bottle if it smells okay]

Borey: Not exactly. [Turns to a press and comes back with a single glass with a crack in it, two cereal bowls, a jam jar and an old yogurt carton. Voila!

Austin : Oh, I see, well, we're not posh [sniffs the champers and takes a little swig] Oh, forgive me, [smiles] ladies first! [passes the bottle to Alice]

awa hame

Alice: Well, I'm posh! [Takes a swig of the bottle and then gives a huge burp]

Harvey: Er, very elegant, my girl! [Reaches for the champagne reluctantly] I don't suppose you have a heartier drink somewhere? Back in boot camp they always said bubbly drinks make men light in the loafers.

Borey: [Beams a smile] I knew you'd say something like that, Colonel! I'll never forget what you said to me back in Hysteria, "Never let a man in loafers share his drink with you". Or was it never share your drink with a man in loafers? Or fluid? Well, it was wise whatever it was! [Gets a box about 12" square out of a cupboard] Guess what's in here! I'll give you a clue - rrrrrrrrrroar! [Laughs and laughs]

Dur: [Speaking in an aside to Alice] If his brain is in that box... [shakes his head confounded] I call dibs on it. [His stomach rumbles loudly]

to share out

Clint: [Eagerly.] Who cares? As long as it's not some sissy drink! [Gives the champagne a disdainful glance.] Be a better friend, newshound, and

Austin : [Looks at the party, expectantly, then seeing no reply. To Borey] A very small lion?

Borey: [Laughs even more, with a very annoying snorty sound] There you go! And you said you didn't remember me! You guys! Come on, sit down! I got some extra boxes for you. [Sits down on an orange box, still holding the other box]

Clint: [Plops down onto a likely-looking box.] "A very small lion." [Shakes his head.] See what those sissy drinks do to a guy, lawyer? [To Borey.] Anyway, if we're old friends from Hysteria, what the hell are you doing here?

Borey: [Not paying attention to how Clint's box immediately breaks and sends him sprawling to the floor] I haven't a clue! I was just passing by and was attracted by the big inflatable sheep outside.

Alice: You were hungry, too, eh?

Borey: No. Anyway, next thing I knew I was hit with a huge bill and then trapped here. That was six months ago.

Austin : [To Borey] Have you actually tried to leave? Have you seen the shield?

Borey: Nope, it's invisible. I did try to leave though, and it sent me flying back. Landed on my ass. [Turns to show the party the skidmark on the back of his trousers]

Austin : [Grimaces at the skid mark on Borey's trousers] Well, most shields have shield generators somewhere near the center of the shield [smirks] perhaps they have hidden it in the big sheep?

Borey: I don't know, Aus. There are a lot of really smart people here. None of them have found it yet.

Alice: Smart people? Such as?

Borey: Well, me!

Chastity: My third husband, George, would have been a great help in this = situation. He was always tinkering with shields and so forth in the = garage. He made my chastity belt and no-one has been able to get past = it. Even he had trouble. He kept misplacing the key. The only time he = could find it was when he was drunk and the maid was away.=20

Borey: I don't know, Aus. There are a lot of really smart people here. None of them have found it yet.

Alice: Smart people? Such as?

Borey: Well, me!

may I just say, that is classic!

Austin : [Stares blankly for a moment in disbelief] Yes, well, those tiny little keys are easily misplaced!

Alice: [Tuts reproachfully] That is really bad form. It's the responsibility of the Key Holder to keep the keys safe, unless, of course, that was all part of the game, in which case, well done George!

Harvey: [To Chastity, helpfully] I always keep my key on a little hook thing by the door. Otherwise, there's always war when my bride is ready to go!

Dur: That's it Colonel! All we have to do is pay the right amount and the key to the shield is ours!

Alice: Yes, but what makes you think Jasmine has it, Dur?

That's Harvey's wife.

Away for next 2+ hours

Harvey: [Baffled] The man holds the key, of course! That's too much responsibility for a delicate little lady.

Last from me today!

Austin : [To Harvey] Quite right, colonel, I'd want to keep my key in hand if I had a wife as delicate as Jasmine. [clears his throat to change the subject. To Borey] So, you said that Trindle had changed, in what way has he changed?

DQpCb3JleTogV2VsbCwgZm9yIGEgc3RhcnQgaGUncyBzbWFsbGVyLiBIZSdzIGFsc28geW91bmdl ciwgZGFya2VyIGFuZCBkb2Vzbid0IHNwZWFrIEVuZ2xpc2ggc28gd2VsbC4NCg0KDQoNClNlbnQg ZnJvbSBteSBCbGFja0JlcnJ5riB3aXJlbGVzcyBoYW5kaGVsZA0KDQotLS0tLU9yaWdpbmFsIE1l c3NhZ2UtLS0tLQ0KRnJvbTogZGpvYkBzdGFmZm1haWwuZWQuYWMudWsNCg0KRGF0ZTogVGh1LCAx MCBKYW4gMjAwOCAxODoyNjoxOSANClRvOkhlYXRoZXIgPGhlYXRoZXIuZ29nZ2Fuc0BnbWFpbC5j b20+DQpDYzpDb25vciBSeWFuIDxjb25vci5yeWFuQHVsLmllPiwgICAgICAgIkRheSwgS2V2aW4g Ui4gKExhcyBDb2xpbmFzKSBOQSI8S2V2aW4uRGF5QGhhbnNvbi5iaXo+LCAgICAgICAiRG9iZWss IFBhdWwiIDxwYXVsLmRvYmVrQGNpdGkuY29tPiwgdGhnOHJndXlAeWFob28uY29tLCAgICAgICBw ZG9iZWtAZ21haWwuY29tLCBiZWF0bXlhY2VzQHlhaG9vLmNvbSwgcXZibG9nZ2VyQGdtYWlsLmNv bQ0KU3ViamVjdDogW3F2XSAwMi4wMy4wMzYNCg0KDQpMYXN0IGZyb20gSGVhdGhlciAjMzUNCg0K PiBIYXJ2ZXk6IFtCYWZmbGVkXSBUaGUgbWFuIGhvbGRzIHRoZSBrZXksIG9mIGNvdXJzZSEgIFRo YXQncyB0b28gbXVjaA0KPiByZXNwb25zaWJpbGl0eSBmb3IgYSBkZWxpY2F0ZSBsaXR0bGUgbGFk eS4NCg0KQXVzdGluIDogW1RvIEhhcnZleV0gUXVpdGUgcmlnaHQsIGNvbG9uZWwsIEknZCB3YW50 IHRvIGtlZXAgbXkga2V5IGluICANCmhhbmQgaWYgSSBoYWQgYSB3aWZlIGFzIGRlbGljYXRlIGFz IEphc21pbmUuIFtjbGVhcnMgaGlzIHRocm9hdCB0byAgDQpjaGFuZ2UgdGhlIHN1YmplY3QuIFRv IEJvcmV5XSBTbywgeW91IHNhaWQgdGhhdCBUcmluZGxlIGhhZCBjaGFuZ2VkLCAgDQppbiB3aGF0 IHdheSBoYXMgaGUgY2hhbmdlZD8NCg0KDQoNCi0tIA0KVGhlIFVuaXZlcnNpdHkgb2YgRWRpbmJ1 cmdoIGlzIGEgY2hhcml0YWJsZSBib2R5LCByZWdpc3RlcmVkIGluDQpTY290bGFuZCwgd2l0aCBy ZWdpc3RyYXRpb24gbnVtYmVyIFNDMDA1MzM2Lg0KDQoNCg==

Austin : [To Borey] That doesn't sound like Trindle at all! [ponders] so may we see the baby tiger?

Borey: It's not a tiger, it's a [triumphantly] beer! [Opens the box and shows a small bottle of beer] Huh? Huh? [Beams madly]

Chastity: [Perplexed] Is it a magical beer?

Borey: [Laughs] Oh, you remember, Chas? When we were in that bar in Hysteria after that business with Adam? And I told that funny story that made everyone laugh? [To Dur] It was hilarious. Everyone laughed. You see, [giggles] there was this bear and a rabbit both doing a poo in a forest, and then [stifles a laugh] then the bear said something funny!

Dur: [Eyebrows raised] What did the bear say?

Austin : [To Borey] If I may. [clears his throat] A bear approaches a rabbit in the woods, and says, "excuse me, when one is defecating in the woods, does one have a problem with excrement adhering to one's coat?". The rabbit replies, "NO". So the bear used the rabbit to effect ablutionary functions upon his derrier.

Harvey: [Outraged] Private Sleaze, there are ladies present!

Alice: Huh. In the version I heard he wipes his ass with the rabbit.

Borey: [Laughing] Well, whatever, but I said something just hilarious that time in the bar, boy, no wonder we were all such pals. Look, I even made a scrap book of our time together! [Takes out a scrap book with "QV and Borey, Friends 4ever" written on the front.]

Austin : [To Borey] Oh, may I have a look [Takes th scrap book from Borey] Thanks [starts looking through the book]

Borey: Sure! [Stands beside Austin, pointing out various photos] Here we are at Adam's sermon. [Points out Borey standing about ten feet behind the party, with a big smile and giving two thumbs up] And here, this is where we found Father Fonze's body. [Points out a picture of the party in Father Fonze's church. Borey is in the back, again with his smile and two thumbs up] And this [laughs at the next one] that was the night out we had that night, whoo! That was a doozie, eh? [Points out a picture of the party having dinner in a fairly sedate manner]

Austin : [Continues to looks through the scrap book] Wow, this seems like an eternity ago.

Very busy Monday, and no posts Monday afternoon. Have a groovy weekend

Borey: It was the happiest time of my life. I love you, Austin. [Briefly hugs Austin, but almost immediately lets go] And there's me painting a rude word on the Kenny's carriage after you killed two of them. [Turns another page] Here's the guy who really owned the carriage. Boy, was he pissed!

Clint: [Hastily backing away from Borey as he hugs Austin.] Hey! There are men present!

Borey: [Reassuringly] Don't worry, they'll all get a turn!

Dur: [Looking a little uncomfortable at that thought] So errr... When did you "leave" the group? And what brought you here?

Borey: We got separated in Hysteria after the big battle where they were all almost killed. By the time I'd stopped running and screaming, I was miles away from the town. By the time I got back, they were gone. [Head drops] I searched and searched for them, but never hooked up again until now. [Shrugs] Why am I here? Same reason as you guys, I guess.

Alice: You think you may have been involved in a series of grotesque murders that you have no recollection of, appear to have some sort of weird speed ability and have a strange thing growing on your back?

Borey: What?

Alice: What?

Borey: Er, I was going to say it's because of Celebrity 37.

Alice: Hey! That's why we're here too!

Borey: Cool!

Clint: Yeah, isn't it! [Gives Alice a "what the hell is Celebrity 37?" look.] Looking for last minute shopping deals?

Alice: [Squints at Clint] What? Is there something on my face?

Austin : [To Borey] Grimacing from the hug. To Borey] What on earth is 'Celebrity 37'? We had not heard of it before comming here.

Austin : [To Alice] Nothing that has not been there for a long time.

no posts from me this afternoon


Clint: [Pauses for a second.] Anyway, Celebrity 37. You've really never heard of it, lawyer? [Guffaws.] Go ahead and tell him, Borey!

Borey: [Stands beside Clint, also guffawing] Yeesh, Lawyer! [Pauses to smile at Clint, clearly looking for some sort of validation] Everyone knows about Celebrity 37.

Heather is travelling today

Harvey: Yes, Miss, but what actually is it?

Borey: It's a plan!

Alice: For what?

Borey: Taking over the world! [Turns to Clint and rolls his eyes] These guys, eh?

Disposition-Notification-To: "Day, Kevin R. (Las Colinas) NA"

Dur: But whose plan is it?

Borey: That's the beauty of it, it's all of ours! [Nods and smiles] Cool, isn't it?

Alice: Oh my God. Who made out the plan? Who first wrote it up?

Borey: Well, no one knows! That's the best part! Well, maybe not the best part, but it's a part, at any rate. Come on, let's forget about that, let's focus on being the ones who will shape the future!

Clint: [Struggling to maintain a straight face.] What a plan! And with you guys here at the trailer park working on it, how can it fail? Be a better friend, newshound, and

Dur: I guess the one flaw to this "Celebrity 37" is that we are trapped here in this trailer park.

Borey: [Claps Clint on the back] Exactly! [Looks at Dur] Yeesh! What is it with this guy? [Speaks annoyingly slowly] Celebrity 37 can only work because we're trapped in the trailer park.

Clint: [Triumphantly.] There, see? We can't leave the trailer park because it would stop these... uhh.. fine people from taking over the world! [Gives Harvey a Significant Look.] Be a better friend, newshound, and

Austin : [To Borey] We want to stop them from taking over the world. They are evil psychopaths. [Suddenly looks very worried, looking around carefully] Are we on camera?

Borey: Uh, no. Who are evil psychopaths?

Austin : Trindle, Contagion, Pestillence. They don't just want to take over the world they want to enslave it!

Borey: Woah, woah, woah, Aus. Remember what I said, Jerome has changed. He's like a different person now.

Harvey: Well, it wouldn't be the first time! I can't keep up with that bastard--first, he's our trusted friend, next, he's a murderous villain!

Alice: Oh come on! That's not true! First he was a geeky by stander, then he was our most trusted friend, then he was a murderous villain!

Austin : [Coldly to Borey] He murdered my fiancee on the eve of our wedding. He can't change that.

Borey: Oh. Well, it certainly doesn't say that on his election manifesto!

=20 manifesto!

Chastity: Do you have a copy of his manifesto? I'd certainly like to know what the candidates stand for before I vote.

Harvey: Excellent point, good Sister! I'd sooner be dead than accidentally vote for one of those whiny, family-ruining, bra-burning tax-and-spend Kemodats!

Dur: From the sound of things, how can we even be sure that this "candidate" is the REAL Jerome? Sounds like somebody's just walking around using his name. I sure would like to talk to him, it's too bad we're stuck in this bubble.

Alice: Bra burning? Yikes! Sounds painful!

Borey: [To Dur] He lives here! [To Harvey and Chas] Nope, don't have any of his election material on me, but it'll be easy to find. Everyone here has election fever and no one goes out without loads of material about their favourite candidate.

Dur: He lives here? Perhaps we could see him, you know being some of his old friends and all?

Borey: Sure, I hang out with him all the time. How about I try to make an appointment for you? I know he's working hard on the campaign trail at the moment, but I bet he could fit you in.

Austin : Do us in, more like.


Clint: Hell, I'm sure we don't need appointments. Us being old friends and all. Which trailer's his, pal?

Borey: [Shrugs] I don't know, Clint, he's probably not even there, but he lives in Trailer 9.

Remember, there's a map on:


Clint: So what are we waiting for, then? Let's go see if Jerry's home!

Harvey: Let's go, troop! Keep your weapons at the ready. Who knows what treachery Dishonorably Discharged Ex-Private Trindle is up to, what?!

Borey: Alright! This is gonna be just like old times! [Exit ALL.]

[Book VI, Act II, Scene IV. Outside Trailer #9. ALICE, AUSTIN, CHASTITY, CLINT, DUR, HARVEY and BOREY are here, standing outside the trailer. BOREY knocks on the door.]

Borey: Hello? Anyone home?

Dur: Hey Jerry, it's all your good old friends... and Borey. Let us in for a drink! [Tries the handle]

Austin : [Ducks for cover behind Alice] It could be booby trapped! For heavens sakes, you could get us all killed!

awa hame

Clint: [Scornfully.] And so you hide behind a girl? Smooth, lawyer! Looking for last minute shopping deals?

Dur: He already has us trapped in a giant bubble, why would he need to set traps?=20

Harvey: [To Dur, exasperated] You don't know the first thing about super-villainy, Private!

Alice: [Looks back at Austin] Hey!

[The door is locked.]

Borey: I guess he's not home. Let's leave a note.

Harvey: [To Austin] Er, Private Sleaze, have a look at this door here. It might just be stuck. Maybe you could [winks] unstick it for us, eh?

Austin : [Approaches the door and checks it carefully for traps, before picking the lock] Yes, Colonel, Trindle's door appears to be jammed, perhaps I will be able to unjam it for him.

Qm9yZXk6IFtMb29rcyBhcm91bmQgdW5lYXNpbHkgYXQgdGhlIHBlb3BsZSBwYXNzaW5nIGJ5XSBB cmUgeW91IHN1cmUgdGhhdCdzIGEgZ29vZCBpZGVhLCBndXlzPw0KU2VudCBmcm9tIG15IEJsYWNr QmVycnmuIHdpcmVsZXNzIGhhbmRoZWxkDQoNCi0tLS0tT3JpZ2luYWwgTWVzc2FnZS0tLS0tDQpG cm9tOiBkam9iQHN0YWZmbWFpbC5lZC5hYy51aw0KDQpEYXRlOiBXZWQsIDE2IEphbiAyMDA4IDEy OjM5OjUwIA0KVG86SGVhdGhlciA8aGVhdGhlci5nb2dnYW5zQGdtYWlsLmNvbT4NCkNjOkNvbm9y IFJ5YW4gPGNvbm9yLnJAZ21haWwuY29tPiwgICAgICAgIkRheSwgS2V2aW4gUi4gKExhcyBDb2xp bmFzKSBOQSI8S2V2aW4uRGF5QGhhbnNvbi5iaXo+LCAgICAgICBUb20gSGVuZGVyc29uIDx0aGc4 cmd1eUB5YWhvby5jb20+LCAgICAgICAiRG9iZWssIFBhdWwiPHBhdWwuZG9iZWtAY2l0aS5jb20+ LCBwZG9iZWtAZ21haWwuY29tLCAgICAgICBiZWF0bXlhY2VzQHlhaG9vLmNvbSwgcXZibG9nZ2Vy QGdtYWlsLmNvbQ0KU3ViamVjdDogW3F2XSAwMi4wNC4wMDgNCg0KDQpMYXN0IGZyb20gSGVhdGhl ciAjNw0KDQo+DQo+IEhhcnZleTogW1RvIEF1c3Rpbl0gRXIsIFByaXZhdGUgU2xlYXplLCBoYXZl IGEgbG9vayBhdCB0aGlzIGRvb3IgaGVyZS4NCj4gIEl0IG1pZ2h0IGp1c3QgYmUgc3R1Y2suICBN YXliZSB5b3UgY291bGQgW3dpbmtzXSB1bnN0aWNrIGl0IGZvciB1cywNCj4gZWg/DQoNCkF1c3Rp biA6IFtBcHByb2FjaGVzIHRoZSBkb29yIGFuZCBjaGVja3MgaXQgY2FyZWZ1bGx5IGZvciB0cmFw cywgIA0KYmVmb3JlIHBpY2tpbmcgdGhlIGxvY2tdIFllcywgQ29sb25lbCwgVHJpbmRsZSdzIGRv b3IgYXBwZWFycyB0byBiZSAgDQpqYW1tZWQsIHBlcmhhcHMgSSB3aWxsIGJlIGFibGUgdG8gdW5q YW0gaXQgZm9yIGhpbS4NCg0KDQoNCi0tIA0KVGhlIFVuaXZlcnNpdHkgb2YgRWRpbmJ1cmdoIGlz IGEgY2hhcml0YWJsZSBib2R5LCByZWdpc3RlcmVkIGluDQpTY290bGFuZCwgd2l0aCByZWdpc3Ry YXRpb24gbnVtYmVyIFNDMDA1MzM2Lg0KDQoNCg==

Chastity: [Spreads her arms and looks to the sky] Lord Phili, please forgive your child for the sin he is about to commit. [To Austin] You may proceed.=20

Austin : [Suprised by Chastity's complicity] Unjamming a dorr is a sin? [sigh] Whatever will they think of next?

Harvey: [In a loud whisper] Private, you know the good Sister is of a sensitive nature, like all true ladies! I once saw her bless herself before and after retiring to the latrine, what!

Dur: Ah yes! The latrine is an excellent place for a nap [sighs remembering better days].

TGFzdCBmcm9tIEtldmluICMxMw0KDQpBbGljZTogd2VsbCwgaWYgeW91IHdlcmUgaW4gdGhlIHRv aWxldCBhZnRlciBjaGFzIHRoYXQgdGltZSwgaGFydiwgeW91J2Qga25vdyB3aHkgc2hlIHdhcyBw cmF5aW5nIQ0KDQogICAgW0FVU1RJTiB0cmllcyB0byBwaWNrIHRoZSBsb2NrIGFuZCBmYWlscy5d DQoNCkJvcmV5OiBjb21lIG9uISBMZXQncyBnZXQgb3V0IG9mIGhlcmUgYmVmb3JlIGFueW9uZSBz ZWVzIHVzLiBbU3BvdHMgU2FuZHldIEhpeWEgU2FuZHkhDQoNCg0KU2VudCBmcm9tIG15IEJsYWNr QmVycnmuIHdpcmVsZXNzIGhhbmRoZWxkDQoNCi0tLS0tT3JpZ2luYWwgTWVzc2FnZS0tLS0tDQpG cm9tOiAiRGF5LCBLZXZpbiBSLiAgKExhcyBDb2xpbmFzKSAgTkEiIDxLZXZpbi5EYXlAaGFuc29u LmJpej4NCg0KRGF0ZTogV2VkLCAxNiBKYW4gMjAwOCAwODowODoyNSANClRvOiJIZWF0aGVyIiA8 aGVhdGhlci5nb2dnYW5zQGdtYWlsLmNvbT4sPGRqb2JAc3RhZmZtYWlsLmVkLmFjLnVrPg0KQ2M6 IkRvYmVrLCBQYXVsIiA8cGF1bC5kb2Jla0BjaXRpLmNvbT4sPGNvbm9yLnJAZ21haWwuY29tPiwi VG9tIEhlbmRlcnNvbiIgPHRoZzhyZ3V5QHlhaG9vLmNvbT4sPHBkb2Jla0BnbWFpbC5jb20+LDxi ZWF0bXlhY2VzQHlhaG9vLmNvbT4sPHF2YmxvZ2dlckBnbWFpbC5jb20+DQpTdWJqZWN0OiBbcXZd IDAyLjA0LjAxMw0KDQoNCkxhc3QgZnJvbSBIZWF0aGVyICMxMg0KDQo+SGFydmV5OiBbSW4gYSBs b3VkIHdoaXNwZXJdIFByaXZhdGUsIHlvdSBrbm93IHRoZSBnb29kIFNpc3RlciBpcyBvZiBhDQo+ c2Vuc2l0aXZlIG5hdHVyZSwgbGlrZSBhbGwgdHJ1ZSBsYWRpZXMhICBJIG9uY2Ugc2F3IGhlciBi bGVzcyBoZXJzZWxmDQo+YmVmb3JlIGFuZCBhZnRlciByZXRpcmluZyB0byB0aGUgbGF0cmluZSwg d2hhdCENCg0KRHVyOiBBaCB5ZXMhIFRoZSBsYXRyaW5lIGlzIGFuIGV4Y2VsbGVudCBwbGFjZSBm b3IgYSBuYXAgW3NpZ2hzDQpyZW1lbWJlcmluZyBiZXR0ZXIgZGF5c10uDQo=


Clint: [To the party, impressed.] Sturdy locks on these hovels, huh?

This is a multi-part message in MIME format.

Clint: So what now? Do we just leave Jerry a note? Do you want me to unjam his door, Harv?

TGFzdCBmcm9tIHRvbQ0KDQpbRW50ZXIgU0FORFkuXQ0KDQpTYW5keTogSGkgZm9sa3MsIGFueXRo aW5nIEkgY2FuIGhlbHAgeW91IHdpdGg/DQoNClNlbnQgZnJvbSBteSBCbGFja0JlcnJ5riB3aXJl bGVzcyBoYW5kaGVsZA0KDQotLS0tLU9yaWdpbmFsIE1lc3NhZ2UtLS0tLQ0KRnJvbTogVG9tIEhl bmRlcnNvbiA8dGhnOHJndXlAeWFob28uY29tPg0KDQpEYXRlOiBXZWQsIDE2IEphbiAyMDA4IDA4 OjQ1OjU0IA0KVG86IkRvYmVrLCBQYXVsICIgPHBhdWwuZG9iZWtAY2l0aS5jb20+LCBjb25vci5y QGdtYWlsLmNvbSwgIkRheSwgS2V2aW4gUi4gIFwoTGFzIENvbGluYXNcKSAgTkEiIDxLZXZpbi5E YXlAaGFuc29uLmJpej4sIEhlYXRoZXIgPGhlYXRoZXIuZ29nZ2Fuc0BnbWFpbC5jb20+LCBkam9i QHN0YWZmbWFpbC5lZC5hYy51aw0KQ2M6cGRvYmVrQGdtYWlsLmNvbSwgYmVhdG15YWNlc0B5YWhv by5jb20sIHF2YmxvZ2dlckBnbWFpbC5jb20NClN1YmplY3Q6IFtxdl0gMDIuMDQuMDE3DQoNCg0K TGFzdCBmcm9tIFBhdWwgIzE2DQoNCj4gQ2hhc3RpdHk6IFtUdXRzIGxvdWRseV0gSSdtIG5vdCB2 ZXJ5IGltcHJlc3NlZCwNCj4gTWlzdGVyIFNsZWF6ZS4NCg0KQ2xpbnQ6IFNvIHdoYXQgbm93PyAg RG8gd2UganVzdCBsZWF2ZSBKZXJyeSBhIG5vdGU/IA0KRG8geW91IHdhbnQgbWUgdG8gdW5qYW0g aGlzIGRvb3IsIEhhcnY/DQoNCg0KICAgICAgX19fX19fX19fX19fX19fX19fX19fX19fX19fX19f X19fX19fX19fX19fX19fX19fX19fX19fX19fX19fX19fX19fX19fX19fX19fX19fX19fX19fDQpO ZXZlciBtaXNzIGEgdGhpbmcuICBNYWtlIFlhaG9vIHlvdXIgaG9tZSBwYWdlLiANCmh0dHA6Ly93 d3cueWFob28uY29tL3IvaHMNCg==

Dur: Well it's about time! We're having some trouble getting this door open. Anything you can do for us Sandy?

Austin : [To Chastity] And why on earth would I want to impress you. [Tuts, checks his nails and pops round the back of the trailer for a nose around, looking for anything interesting, like an open window]

Sandy: Why, sure! Let's see. [Goes through a big bunch of keys] This is the one!

No posts from me until 12 tomorrow

[Time passes.]

Sandy: Hey! Wait a minute! How come you need to get into Jerome's trailer?

Harvey: [Scratches a sideburn, baffled] What was it again, troop?

Alice: Actually, Sandy, it's a funny story. [Smiles and giggles] You're going to laugh at this one, Sand. [Laughs, but turns to Dur] You know what, Dur tells it best!

Dur: [Gawking at the group and at Sandy] Uuuuuuuuhhhhhh

[Moments later]=20

Dur: Well, see, this is what happened! We decided that because we've been so brilliantly outsmarted and will be trapped here for an indeterminate amount of time, we might as well start contributing our services to the community! Being a trained surgeon, I've been... err... inspecting the health and living conditions. It's only natural that we decided to start with our good friend and future election winner! Good ol' Jerry! [Laughs nervously]

Austin : [Laughs at Dur. To Sandy] We have many reasons to wait inside =20 for Dr Jerome K. Trindle, but mostly because he is an old friend of =20 ours and we though it would be a nice suprise to wait inside for him. =20 That is, of course, if he does not already know that we are here, in =20 which case it wont be a suprise at all!

Chastity: [Dryly] I don't like surprises.=20

Austin : [Sighs] Oh well, never mind Chassers old girl, once your dementia moves on you will completely forget that you don't like suprises. [Ponders] Which is probably just as well because everything will be new every few minutes. Anyway [To Sandy] perhaps you could find us a trailer that we could stay in whilst we are denizens of the trailer park.


Clint: [Rolls his eyes.] Why doesn't *that* surprise me?

Sandy: Well, although a surprise doesn't nice, I'm afraid as vice-assistant trailer park co-supervisor I can't just let you in - you know, I've taken a vow.

Dur: [Thinking hard] How does a vow of celibacy prevent you from letting us in?

Sandy: It's not a vow of celibacy! It's, well, it's more like a code.

Alice: The code of vice-assistant trailer park co-supervisors?

Sandy: Actually, the code of temporary vice-assistant trailer park co-supervisors.

Harvey: [To Sandy] Take it from an old soldier, the code is sacred! Back in the 'Num, me and the troop went by the unwritten, unspoken, unacknowledged, unbreakable code, and any soldier that violated the code got his bits and pieces dipped in honey and was left hogtied on a flesh-eating fire ant hill! [gets misty eyed and salutes the sky gravely]

Sandy: An old soldier, eh? Well, your code sounds just like ours, except that if we violate it the punishment isn't quite so harsh.

Alice: What is it?

Sandy: You lose cheeseburger privileges for two hours.

Clint: Hey! Where do you get cheeseburgers around here?1 It has to beat that crap that those freaks at your "restaurant" tried to give us! Looking for last minute shopping deals?

Dur: [Looks around anxiously] You have cheeseburgers here?

Sandy: [Big, sad sigh] No.

Dur: [Looks infuriated] They don't?! How dare they threaten you with a penalty they can't even enforce! Why... If I was a temporary vice-assistant trailer park co-supervisors for an establishment like this, I would hand my keys to the first set of random adventurers I met... in protest of course.=20

Sandy: Good idea! The next random group that come along, I'll give the keys to. In the meantime, [to Austin] you do have a trailer, right? Number 6?

Clint: Oh, yeah. Maybe we should take a look at our new home, guys? We can come back and look for Jerry when it's less crowded around here!

Sandy: That's a good idea, guys. In the meantime, I'll keep an eye out for Jerome while looking for a random party to give my keys to.

Austin : [To Sandy] Oh, well we are a random party, so why don't you give us the keys, then your protest is complete and you don't have to hang around waiting for another party, *and* we can get into my trailer, No.6.

Harvey: [To Austin] Well-lawyered! [To Sandy] Well, youngster, what do you say?

Careful of those numbers, Dom!

Sandy: I say you're not a random party, you're people I know, people that were expected here, best buds of Borey.

that >were expected here, best buds of Borey.

Dur: I wouldn't say "best" buds.

Sandy: His scrap book says otherwise.

Austin : [To Sandy] Well, it doesn't really matter if we are random of not does it? We are a party after all, and random is just a matter of perspective, for instance, our party is comprised of a nun, a colonel, a lawyer a [glances at Dur] a doctor, [glances at Clint] a sheep farmer and [gestures to Alice] a mathematician. That's pretty random if you ask me!

Sandy: [Getting up close to Austin so that his naked stomach touches him] Hey! I'm not asking you! I'm telling you, as temporary vice-assistant trailer park co-supervisor, you're not getting in!

Naked stomach? Yes, but where's his picture? I don't know, it didn't come up. I'll sort it out soon, but Sandy is naked from the waist up

Austin : [To Sandy, stepping back from him, and strolling nochalantly behind Harvey] If you had been listening, you would have heard that I don't want to get into Dr Trindle's trailer, I want to get into my trailer, number 6, I believe. [Sighs and rolls his eyes]

Sandy: Good!

[Exit ALL, except SANDY, who tries to let himself in to the trailer, but goes through every single key.]

Sandy: Hey!

End of scene. Next one coming right up, but also a private mail from me. Please read the mail and be sure you understand it before posting. If there's anything unclear, just mail me.

[Book VI, Act II, Scene V. The Trailer. ALICE is here, wearing a cowboy hat and with a rainbow coloured rosette that has a picture of ENRIQUE on it, pinned to her shirt. "Come out of the Wheatfield Nellie, You're Going Against the Grain" is playing on the record player, and the sleeve of the record, that has a picture of JOSE and ENRIQUE wearing cowboy gear on the cover is beside it.]

Alice: [Singing tunelessly] Don't go against that grain, Nellie, don't trample on the harvest of my heart...



Jose and Enrique were zombies/demons who helped the party escape from Metaplasia in Book V Act III (where time kept repeating, and where Clint fell in love with Dominique. Although Jose was an idiot, Enrique was clearly some sort of genius, and he told the party that he would soon take over the world through the medium of song

Everyone should have their instructions now, so just bring your character in when you're ready to post.

[Dur struts up to the trailer, his dirty white smock tucked into a pair of leopard print leotards with "Vote Lord Such" written across the crotch and "Rock n' Roll" written across the ass, the words cleverly spelled out in what appears to be leopard spots.]=20

Dur: [Looking at Alice's hat] You can't be seriously supporting that fool can you? As a doctor, and a new member of the Stupid Party, my moto has always been "Anything dead should stay thus!" So, it's not very catchy, but I JUST made it up!

Alice: Oh please! The Stupid Party? That's just stupid! And - [looks shocked] are you wearing leotards?

Dur: Proudly! [To emphasize his pride, he tucks a thumb into the elastic leotard, pulls it taught, and lets it snap back against him as he grimaces in pain].

ooops, sent that last one just to you Conor.


[CLINT strolls into the room, wearing a (rather moth-eaten) t-shirt depicting himself in the act of punching one of his fellow contestants on "I'm a celebrity, get me out of this basement" and bearing the slogan "Vote Clint: If you can't beat 'em, beat the crap out of 'em."] Clint: Hey guys, I'm Clint and I'm asking for your... [Pauses, having caught sight of the hat and the leotards.] What the hell are you people wearing?! [To Dur.] Only an idiot would vote for that idiot! [To Alice.] And that guy sings [with great emphasis, and no little disgust.] country music! Vote Clint!

Alice: Vote Clint? Is this some sort of sick joke? You can't be serious!

[HARVEY enters wearing a rosette that features the beet-red face of an enraged Neil Canuck and a variety of ribbons designed to look like flames, all of which says things like "Respect Your Elders!" and "Turn Down Your Music."]

Harvey: [Delighted] Troop, have I ever found the right candidate for us to support! It's called The Angry Party, and they believe in all the things WE believe in!


Clint: Of course I am! Have you *seen* the other candidates?! Like that idiot Lord Such? Only a complete moron would vote for that complete moron! [Quickly, to Dur.] I can count on your support, right doc?

Alice: [To Clint] As a matter of fact I have! I'm voting for [shows her rosette of Enrique] Jose! [Thinks for a moment] I mean, [shows it again] Enrique! [Jabs her finger at Harvey] Oh really? Really?

Clint: [To Harvey.] Does he believe in free honeyed locusts for all seniors, Harv? Vote Clint! The candidate of progress! The candidate of regress! [Glances at Alice.] The candidate who's not a sociopathic undead country music singer! Looking for last minute shopping deals?

Dur: [Scoffs] Pfft! I'd sooner vote for a member of the Stupid Party than you, Clint!

Alice: I would too - and I think they're stupider than a man who thinks jumping off a tall building with a bag of bricks will make him fly! [Folds her arms, although with some difficulty, given the enormous size of the rosette] Anyway, Stinky, country music singer? You say it like it's a bad thing!

Clint: Of course it is! "My achy breaky dog got run over by a carriage" and crap like that? How can it be anything else?!

[Enter Austin, wearing an Eden Smurly business suit, and Georgious Harmoni real panda cub leather shoes, with a very smart gold trimmed Ed Paulington rossette in his lapel, that has 'The Doubtful Party' on it's ribbons]

Austin : I quite concur Mr Scar, how on earth could an undead country and western singer achieve anything! And I very, very much doubt that a bunch of angry old codgers, with a total inability to cope with modern life could do any better! [Catches sight of Dur, rolls his eyes] *oh* *my* *god*! Idiot! [Then realises that Clint has his own rosette] Mr Scar, I doubt that you even know what an election is! Well? Do you even have a manifesto? I doubt it [Sighs. Checks his nails]

Alice: Hey! This is a great record!

[Just then, the song changes to "I Still Miss You, Baby, But My Aim's Gettin' Better".]

Alice: [Continues] Come on, Aus! That Doubtful Party don't represent anything at all! They're almost as bad as the idiots, but at least they know they're idiots!

Austin : [To ALice, calmly] Just because you are unable to comprehend =20 the complexities involved in the management of the nation does not =20 mean that the Doubtful Party do not represent anything. They clearly, =20 and reasonably, represent the obvious fact that a great deal of =20 events, past and present, involve a myriad of complexities, lies, =20 deciet, greed, demons, elves [waves his hand] etc, and *any* party =20 that claims to be able to control this is simply lieing. Therefore the =20 doubtful party are the only reasonable choice, since they do no claim =20 to have a complete answer, nor do they claim to be able to solve all =20 of the problems in the world, so at the very least, they are honest, =20 reasonable and *aware*! Which is clearly more than any of the other =20 parties.

Alice: [Leans her head to one side and pretends to be asleep] Snore!

Austin : [To Alice, scoldingly] You cannot seriously believe that a zombie country and western musician is a suitable candidate for deciding the fate of the nation! [Frowns] Jose is simply a mockery of the political process, and the same goes for [to Clint] you and [To Dur] you!

Alice: No he's not! [Stirring country and western music plays in the background] What is the political process other than a popularity contest where the contestants are the most ugly and boring people in the country? What Enrique is doing is presenting a candidate that is genuinely popular and universally loved. Sure, he's dead and smells of rotting flesh, but no one's perfect!

Harvey: [Astounded] What the blazes are all of you talking about?! I told you, I found the candidate for us! [Displays his rosette with a flourish] Now, Neil here believes things ought to go back to the way they used to be, and I think we can all agree, they don't call them "the good old days" for nothing!

Alice: [Steps up angrily to Harvey] Oh! Typical! It's just like in Enrique's song - "I thought all my tomorrows were yesterdays until today"! Show me some of Canuck's election literature!

Everyone is, of course, loaded down with flyers and such

Austin : [To Harvey] Well, the Doubtful Party is very doubtful that going back to the way things were is a good idea, and it may even be impossible to go 'back',, to the way things were, and besides, the way things were then lead to the way things are now, giving plenty of reasonable doubt that the way things were, was not any better than the way things are now.

Excellent speech guy!

Alice: Plus, back then there was hardly any singing during the administration of political business. Enrique is going make it law that everyone in government departments have to sing!

Clint: C'mon, Harv, look at all the great things the way things are now has! [Thinks real hard.] Uh, there's honeyed locusts in every store nowadays! Who can top that? Not some old guys, that's for sure! But a vote for me is a vote for a honeyed locust in every pot! [To Austin.] And you! Your guys won't do anything, and it's doing nothing that's gotten us into this mess! It's doing something that's gonna get us out of it! And Clint's the candidate for that. Remember, ask not what your candidate can do for you ask what you can do for your candidate! [To Dur.] Speak softly and carry a big bar of soap! [To Alice.] Mr. Enrique, tear down this recording studio! [Crosses his arms, evidently pleased with himself.] Be a better friend, newshound, and

Dur: That sounds dreadful!

Alice: [To Dur] You're not going to pull me down, Mr. Rainy Day. I'm not going down to your level. I mean [starts singing loudly and very, very badly] I'm not going down on you! [Smiles with some satisfaction for a moment, which soon disappears] Hey! [To Clint] Bar of soap? I'm surprised you even know what that is!

Clint: It's just the sweat of an honest, hard-working man, not the reek of a rotting zombie. Who couldn't love that?

Alice: Anybody!

Dur: As stupid as you all are, how can you NOT be voting for the Stupid Party! Come on everyone, jump on the band wagon! Ignorance is bliss afterall!

Harvey: [To Alice, scolding] Niece, I don't like the sound of this zombie business one bit! Back in my day, when a fella died, he stayed dead! You need to [holds up a ribbon that says "Respect Your Elders"] and [shows another absurdly long ribbon that says, "Step Back in Time For a Brighter Tomorrow Than Even the Sunniest Yesterday with Neil!"]!

Alice: Hold on! Hold on! Not so fast! Show me the first one again!

[From somewhere outside comes the sound of a bell tolling.]

Dur: [Listening] What's that now?

Harvey: [Distracted, fumbling to show Alice his ribbons again] For Phili's sake, my girl, I'm trying to hurry! No need to ring that bell in impatience!

Clint: [Sullenly.] I'll bet he's voting Clint! Looking for last minute shopping deals?

Alice: [Steps back from Harvey, hands on her hips] Now is this the kind of incompetency we could expect from the Angry party?

Clint: I'll take that one, Harv! [To Alice.] Hear that guy out there ringing the bell? He's causing this problem! And what's he doing? Music! Music causes problems! Music is bad! [Pauses.] Of course, what your candidate does isn't even really music, but that's beside the point. Vote Clint!

Austin : [To Clint] If your best slogan is that you claim to smell better than a zombie, which is doubtful, I sincerely and most certainly doubt that you will even get one vote, expect for your own, of course [rolls his eyes] Shall we find out what that bell is being wrung for? [looks for the bell ringer]

Alice: [To Clint] You make a good point. [Dramatic pause] For idiots! [To Austin] Good idea, Aus, that ringing is getting annoying!

[Just then, the ringing stops.]

Alice: Hey! That was cool! Let's try it on Dur. [Concentrates hard] Dur is getting really annoying!

Harvey: [Watches Dur expectantly]

Dur: [Looks a little nervous until it is apparent that nothing is going to happen] Ha! I win again!

Alice: [Annoyed] Well, once Enrique is voted in as king, or pope, or whatever the hell it is, well, you just better watch out!

Clint: Ha! Everyone knows you don't vote for king! Besides, the people are going to vote for me! Even if my so-called-friends aren't. Be a better friend, newshound, and

Austin : [Sighs in relief] Well at least no one is voting for Trindle.

away until Thursday

Paul's away?

[Enter CHASTITY, wearing a big "Vote Jerome" rosette.]

Chastity: Gosh! This is all so exciting! [Looks at the party] What on earth are you up to?

Dur: [Aghast] YOU'RE voting for JEROME?! Now we know that all hell has broken loose!

Harvey: Good Sister, have you lost your mind?! Surely you aren't supporting this villain? Especially when the Angry Party needs people like you to help us drag these whippersnappers back into the past!

Austin : [Looks genuinely horrified at Chastity] A..., di... [Looks Pale. To Chastity] Have you forgotten that Trindle murdered my fiancee, amongst thousands of others? [Looks to the others for some sane back up]

Alice: Yeah, Chas! [Shows her rosette] Vote Jose! I mean, vote Enrique!

Chastity: Oh, it's okay, Mr. Sleaze, he's put all that behind him. He's reformed.

Dom's away for the next two days

Austin: Reformed? Unbelievable! I'm very doubtful about this, Sister, very, very doubtful indeed!

Harvey: And I'm [huge emphasis] angry! Sister, pardon my Elvish, but what the hell are you thinking?! Trindle is a lying, murderous bastard who shares none of the Angry Party's views on taxation and loud music!

Chastity: Oh, pish posh, Colonel. He said you'd react like that. You and all your Angry Party goons! He's changed, he's like a different person now. He's a member of the Kemodat party!

Alice: You mean, he, he's burnt his bra?

Chastity: No, I think it was one of yours.

Alice: Hey!


Chastity: Well, Jerome is the best candidate by far. He's a very nice boy and he'll be getting my vote! Besides, he's a local. How anyone can support a carpetbagger, I'll never know.

Sorry - been swamped. FYI - "Carpetbagger" is in common use when a politician runs for office ;;; in a place to which he previously had no connection.

Alice: I don't care what Enrique's purse is made out of, he's still the best candidate by far!

Dur: Yeah! The best candidate to be eliminated in the first round! We all know that Walter is going to win! To think anything else would be.... well it'd be stupid!

Harvey: [Furious] This is just what Neil said would happen, all these smart-mouthed young punks trying to run up the cost of our prescription medications and trying to put us in sub-par nursing homes run by large cruel women with thick accents who'll only feed us gruel! Gruel!!

Alice: So... the best candidate isn't Walter Such? Interesting.

Dur: Gruel!? Who do we have to vote for to get gruel! [Licks his lips in anticipation]

Alice: Forget gruel! I bet Enrique will have people eating brains! There'll be soldier brains, and nun brains, and doctor's brains, and lawyer brains, but they'll be really, really expensive.

Clint: Fortunately, a lot of them aren't being used! Looking for last minute shopping deals?

TGFzdCBmcm9tIHRvbSAjNTINCg0KQWxpY2U6IHRoYXQncyBiZWNhdXNlIHRoZXkgdGFzdGUgc28g YmFkIQ0KDQo7OyBvdXQgZm9yIHR3byBob3Vycw0KDQpTZW50IGZyb20gbXkgQmxhY2tCZXJyea4g d2lyZWxlc3MgaGFuZGhlbGQNCg0KLS0tLS1PcmlnaW5hbCBNZXNzYWdlLS0tLS0NCkZyb206IFRv bSBIZW5kZXJzb24gPHRoZzhyZ3V5QHlhaG9vLmNvbT4NCg0KRGF0ZTogVHVlLCAyMiBKYW4gMjAw OCAwNzoxODoyNCANClRvOkNvbm9yIFJ5YW4gPGNvbm9yLnJAZ21haWwuY29tPiwgIkRheSwgS2V2 aW4gUi4gXChMYXMgQ29saW5hc1wpIE5BIiA8S2V2aW4uRGF5QGhhbnNvbi5iaXo+DQpDYzpIZWF0 aGVyIDxoZWF0aGVyLmdvZ2dhbnNAZ21haWwuY29tPiwgIkRvYmVrLCBQYXVsIiA8cGF1bC5kb2Jl a0BjaXRpLmNvbT4sIGRqb2JAc3RhZmZtYWlsLmVkLmFjLnVrLCBUb20gSGVuZGVyc29uIDx0aGc4 cmd1eUB5YWhvby5jb20+LCBwZG9iZWtAZ21haWwuY29tLCBiZWF0bXlhY2VzQHlhaG9vLmNvbSwg cXZibG9nZ2VyQGdtYWlsLmNvbQ0KU3ViamVjdDogW3F2XSAwMi4wNS4wNTINCg0KDQpMYXN0IGZy b20gQ29ub3IgIzUxDQoNCj4gQWxpY2U6IEZvcmdldCBncnVlbCEgSSBiZXQgRW5yaXF1ZSB3aWxs IGhhdmUgcGVvcGxlDQo+IGVhdGluZyBicmFpbnMhDQo+IFRoZXJlJ2xsIGJlIHNvbGRpZXIgYnJh aW5zLCBhbmQgbnVuIGJyYWlucywgYW5kDQo+IGRvY3RvcidzIGJyYWlucywgYW5kDQo+IGxhd3ll ciBicmFpbnMsIGJ1dCB0aGV5J2xsIGJlIHJlYWxseSwgcmVhbGx5DQo+IGV4cGVuc2l2ZS4NCg0K Q2xpbnQ6IEZvcnR1bmF0ZWx5LCBhIGxvdCBvZiB0aGVtIGFyZW4ndCBiZWluZyB1c2VkISAgDQoN Cg0KDQogICAgICBfX19fX19fX19fX19fX19fX19fX19fX19fX19fX19fX19fX19fX19fX19fX19f X19fX19fX19fX19fX19fX19fX19fX19fX19fX19fX19fX19fX18NCkxvb2tpbmcgZm9yIGxhc3Qg bWludXRlIHNob3BwaW5nIGRlYWxzPyAgDQpGaW5kIHRoZW0gZmFzdCB3aXRoIFlhaG9vISBTZWFy Y2guICBodHRwOi8vdG9vbHMuc2VhcmNoLnlhaG9vLmNvbS9uZXdzZWFyY2gvY2F0ZWdvcnkucGhw P2NhdGVnb3J5PXNob3BwaW5nDQo=

Harvey: Cannibalism, niece?! This is your party's platform for a brighter tomorrow?! You can't be serious. [Pats Alice on the head] Now, be a good girl and come help me picket the local skateboard park. [Shakes his fist] Damn those flying wheels of fury! That park is for bird-watching and picnicking!

Alice: Eating brains isn't cannibalism, it's well, it's just not!

Austin: You people make me sick. Frankly, I'm very doubtful about the ability of your chosen candidates to govern. Also, I'm concerned about why there are suddenly no people outside. [Points out at the empty streets]

Harvey: [Looks around proudly] They must be going to join that picket line. See, troop, that's what real leadership does--it inspires action!

Alice: Unlikely. I heard that there's a box social being organised that has all Enrique's music playing. That's where they're likely to be.

Chastity: Maybe they're at a rally for Jerome. I wonder where it might = be. I'm sure he's giving the most wonderful and motivational speech to = his army of supporters. I heard he's way ahead in the polls.=20

Alice: Unlikely. I heard that there's a box social being organised that has all Enrique's music playing. That's where they're likely to be.

Harvey: Polls, schmoles! Remember the year the polls said that young Baramba fella was inescapably ahead of Madame Hinton, but come election night us soldiers were stuck trying to figure out what the blazes we were going with a lady commander-in-chief!

Chastity: [To Alice] Typical men. They get lost and they blame the woman. But will they stop and ask for directions? No, I tell you. [To Harvey, dramatically] Colonel, it is time for change. Our era has passed and we must allow the next generation to lead this nation forward. It is time to elect Jerome.

Harvey: [Irate] I assure you, good Sister, I am not lost! I am following a road to yesterday for a better tomorrow today, and all the road signs I see say "Neil!"

passed is

Dur: Jerome doesn't know who he's up against! Why, Walter Such and the Stupid Party are so dedicated to this campaign that it is likely we will KEEP campaigning AFTER the election! Now THAT is commitment.

Alice: [Shouting] Please! Stop! Just stop!


Chastity: The Kemodats will not stop. The time for change is here. The time to build a better future is upon us. [Starts loudly chanting the Kemodat's mantra while holding up the Kemodat banner]. Change your mind! Change the world! Change your mind! Change the world!

Alice: Shut the hell up! [Cranks the volume of the record player] I can hardly hear the music!

Harvey: [Howls at Alice and points at the record player] Shut off that racket NOW!

Dur: How does that festering corpse even manage to make such a racket without his jaw falling off?

Clint: Phili only knows, kids. Not to worry - Clint is here to solve this problem! [Gets out his brass knuckles and moves to demolish the record player.] Clint - less talk, more action! Be a better friend, newshound, and

Dur: [Watches Clint] Going around and breaking people's record players is not a very good platform!

Clint: Nonsense! Solving problems with mindless violence is one of our proudest traditions! Looking for last minute shopping deals?

Alice: [Screams] My music! My beautiful music! [Draws her sword, causing everyone to duck in the confines of the trailer] I'm gonna kill him!

Dur: [Leaping for safety] Don't do it Alice! Think of what happens when you step on a stink bug! Now imagine, based on what he normally smells like, what Clint would smell like dead! Think of the Children! It's what Howard Such would do!

Alice: Smell like the dead? That, Dur, is an improvement I think we'd all be thankful for! [Swings at Clint, catching him in the midriff and sending him staggering back through the door.] [Enter JUNIOR JUNIOR, a man who was approaching the trailer. He narrowly avoids getting crushed by CLINT who falls out backwards through the door. JUNIOR is wearing a sandwich board that says "Useless Flyers to Throw on the Ground" and is holding a bunch of flyers in his hand.]

Junior: Woah! That's a cool way to leave the trailer. Much faster than opening the door.

Junior Junior

Away for 30 mins

Clint: [Picks himself up and dusts himself off.] Yeah! A vote for Clint is a vote for cool! [To Alice.] And Bimbo, don't let those hormones of yours get so out of control! I wasn't gonna totally destroy it!

I, uh, didn't actually mean to have Clint destroying anything without giving y'all a chance to stop the poor deluded fool. Guess I'll have to be more clear next time! Be a better friend, newshound, and

Alice: Liar! Enrique's election material said that people like you would try to stop the music!

Oops, sorry about that, I thought he punched it! Still, he lost zero hp for Alice's swing, so let's leave it at that!

Clint: Is that what he's calling it? Harv, Chas, back me up here - that's not music!

Sure thing. Just have to be more clear with my death threats to inanimate objects in future!

Junior: [Still standing there with his sandwich board] Well, it isn't now!

Harvey: It wasn't before, either! [To Junior] Say there, young fella, which candidate are you backing in the election?

Junior: [Gives a sigh] Has there ever been a question that was followed by as many slaps and punches?

Sorry Tom, I can't resist!

Clint: [Holds his hands up, and then address no one in particular] Hey Babe, have you ever done it with your sister?

[In perfect co-ordinated moves, CLINT gets slapped by each of ALICE, CHASTITY, HARVEY, AUSTIN and DUR. JUNIOR tries to get one in, but his board is too big to get through the door.]

Junior: [Steps back to where he was] Fair enough. [To Harvey] I'm staying out of this whole politics thing.

Dur: Then how can we help you? Are you in need of a doctor? I don't charge much, just a kidney. [Looks around] What? He can live with just one and a man's gotta eat!

Junior: Oh no! I've just eaten my last one! Actually, I was wondering why you guys are hanging out in your trailer. Sure, I can see you're fighting, and I can respect that, but how come you're not part of the swarm?

Dur: What swarm are you speaking of?

Junior: All the other people. They're all over in P Block. They go at this time every day.

Harvey: This is a troop, chappie, not a cluster of honeybees!

Clint: Yeah, and if everyone is over at the swarm, what the hell are you doing here, huh? Be a better friend, newshound, and

Junior: [Looks around] I'm talking to you, although not getting much sense! [Gives a laugh] Actually, I'm not part of the swarm, and don't think you are either. It got me to thinking. It - hey! Are you Clint Scar? From What the Smell is that Hell?

Alice: [Wearily] What the Hell is the Smell.

Junior: Uh, [points at Clint] him, I guess.

Clint: Haw! Another of my fans! Yeah, I'm Clint Scar, and I'm running for... uh... office. Vote Clint, the best friend of the little people! [Pauses.] Say, don't I know you from somewhere?

Austin : [To Clint] We really do not need to hear one of your sworded morning after stories, Mr Scar. [To Junior] Why do people go to the swarm? What are they swarming for?

Junior: [To Clint] Sure you do! I was on your show! Oh, come on, don't you remember? [Does a pretend fighting move] I punched you in the face when I thought you insulted my sandwich? [Turns to Austin] You know what, that's what I'd love to know. They all just stand there, like they're [waves his fingers around his head] tuned into something. I thought I was the only one who isn't, and thought there was something wrong with me, but when I saw you guys, I [notices Alice standing with a sword over the broken record player] I guess I figured maybe we were the normal ones.

Austin : They sound as if they have all been brain washed, or hypnotised.

Clint: [Scoffing.] Oh, c'mon, lawyer! Why would anyone want to brainwash these losers? Be a better friend, newshound, and

Alice: Maybe they weren't losers before they were brainwashed? Maybe they were all good Enriquans, and now they're nothing more than Clintinites.

Clint: Oh, c'mon, Bimbo. Look at them! You really think those guys were ever anything but losers? Really? [Shakes his head sadly.] No wonder you're giving your vote to an undead monster!

Alice: I told you, Clint, I'm not voting for you!

Austin : [To Chastity] So have you spoken to Trindle?

In the interests of keeping things moving...

Chastity: No, but I've seen his election material, and it's very promising.

Alice: Yeah, promising in the sense that it's just [very stilted] promising things he won't come through on, like all politicians. [Gives a big, expectant smile]

[Everyone turns and looks at ALICE for a moment, before turning back to where they were.]

Alice: [Enraged] Oh, fuck you! I'm not here to entertain you people! [Storms out, but has difficult getting passed Junior]

Harvey: [Scolding] Niece, control yourself! This is just the sort of wild youthful behavior the Angry Party opposes!

Alice: [To Junior] Get the hell out of my way! [Knocks Junior clean over and stands on his sandwich board]

Junior: Ow!

Alice: Huh. I feel a lot better after that. [To Junior] Sorry about that.

Junior: No problem. The sky looks kind of cool from here. Plus, I can see your pants. Are those hole meant to be there?

Alice: They help me scratch.

Junior: Cool. I have a one like that on my shirt too.

Austin : [Grimaces at Alice's 'scratch' comment] Perhaps we should go and see what this swarm is about?

Alice: Good idea, Aus. [Bounces up and down a little] Hey! Springy! Come on, have a go!


Chastity: [To Harvey] You really need to control your niece. Perhaps a stint in one of my affiliated finishing schools would help. I can talk to the board.

Austin : [To Chastity] If the reputation of your finishing schools is anything to go on, the colonel would be better off supplying Alice with large quantities of cheese, a ferrari, and some nice guns, cut out the middle man you see?

Alice: It's okay, Aus, I know a guy who can help us out with all that.

Junior: [Still underneath Alice] Uh, maybe you could talk to him when you get off the board?

Harvey: Yes, my girl, do get down! What will the Anger-Mongers think?!

Dur: [Thinks hard about Harvey's question] Is this going to be on a quiz?

Alice: [Also thinking hard, before conferring with Dur] I bet this is going to be something like "Get off the damned board, you pesky kids"!

Austin : The swarm?

Dur: Is that your final answer?

Alice: No Dur! Old fogeys hardly ever say that!

Harvey: What the blazes are you meddlesome twirps blathering about?!

Alice: [Face lights up] That's a great one! [To Dur] Let's go for that, final answer!

Gone for the day. Have a good weekend folks!

Austin : The swarm, let's go and see what the swarm is about!

Dur: Really? I thought the "Phegis Rilbin" used to say that all the time and that man is quite possibly the most ancient living organism in the world?

Clint: Obviously you haven't seen the inside of my refrigerator!

Just sort of checking in - taking car into shop. Looking for last minute shopping deals?

Junior: I have! You know, I could take you guys to see the swarm if you'd let me up.

I've added a notifier to the diary page that will mail everyone when there's been an update. You all should have received a mail just before this from it. If you didn't, please let me know.

Harvey: Yes, I suppose we should, troop. Besides, a swarm sounds Angry to me!

Alice: [Bounces off the board with a spring] All the more reason to get in there and break them up!

Junior: [Gets up] Wow. That was cool! [Laughs] I think I've got two broken ribs! [Takes off his sandwich board and stashes the fliers in the party's trailer] Let's go!

End of scene. Next one coming right up.

[Book VI, Act II, Scene VI. The Trailer Park. ALICE, AUSTIN, CHASTITY, CLINT, DUR, HARVEY and JUNIOR are here, heading towards the back of the restaurant from the first scene.]

Alice: So what's the deal with this swarm?

Junior: Haven't a clue. Ever since I got here they've been doing it twice a day. Sometimes two times a day.

Updated map, based on what the party saw while walking around:


Harvey: Maybe that's what keeps that shield going! All that [vaguely, with lots of snapping] buzz-buzz-buzzing?

Junior: [Heads snaps to look at Harvey's clicking fingers each time they click] Could be.

Alice: Why aren't you affected?

Junior: [Shrugs] Idunno.

Alice: Why amn't I?

Junior: [Shrugs] Idunno.

Alice: How about Austin?

Junior: [Shrugs] Idunno.

Alice: Harvey?

Junior: [Shrugs] Idunno.

Alice: Dur?

Junior: [Shrugs] Idunno.

Alice: Chastity?

Junior: Oh GOD no!

Alice: What?

Junior: Oh, you mean, the nun?

Alice: Yes.

Junior: [Shrugs] Idunno.

Harvey: Wait, who did you think was Chastity?!

Austin : [Rolls his eyes] If you have to ask ...

Junior: [Squirms uncomfortably] I had a bad experience with a belt once.

Austin : [To Junior] A lock you could not pick! [sighs] I expect that happens to everyone eventually. I am sure my day will come [Looks bravely into the distance].

Junior: My advice? Just don't put the damned thing on in the first place! [The party arrive at the back of the restaurant and see that there are about fifty people here, standing around looking vacant. Everyone they've met so far is here, all with the same look, and not facing any particular direction.]

Junior: Weird, huh? At first I thought there was something wrong with me, you know, like how people never pick me until last at basketball games, or how I can make baked beans come down my nose or how all those people thought I murdered my wife and kids, but now that I've seen you guys, well, [wipes his brow] phew!

Austin : [To the nearest swarmer] Would you mind telling me what you are all gathered here for please?

Harvey: [Surveying the scene] Pretty lackluster swarming, if you ask me!

[None of the swarmers reply.]

Junior: They're always like that. Watch this! [Lifts up Flo Beep's skirt] See? None of them react to anything, even Jerome, and he's supposed to be a real hero!

Dur: Wait, Jerome is part of the swarm?

Junior: Sure! There he is, look! [Points over at a group of people, none of whom look even remotely like Jerome]

Dur: Ummm... could you be a little more specific?

Junior: Woah! You guys are weird. [Picks up a small rock and throws it, hitting someone on the head with it] There. That guy.

Jerome in the Trailer Park

Dur: THAT'S Jerome?! That's odd, he looked different the last time I saw him. Maybe he got a hair cut?

DQpBbGljZTogV2VsbCwgdGhhdCBtb3VzdGFjaGUgaXMgbmV3LCBhbmQgaGV5ISBUaGF0J3Mgbm90 IGhpbSENCg0KU2VudCBmcm9tIG15IEJsYWNrQmVycnmuIHdpcmVsZXNzIGhhbmRoZWxkDQoNCi0t LS0tT3JpZ2luYWwgTWVzc2FnZS0tLS0tDQpGcm9tOiAiRGF5LCBLZXZpbiBSLiAgKExhcyBDb2xp bmFzKSAgTkEiIDxLZXZpbi5EYXlAaGFuc29uLmJpej4NCg0KRGF0ZTogTW9uLCAyOCBKYW4gMjAw OCAwODozNzo0NCANClRvOiJDb25vciBSeWFuIiA8Y29ub3IuckBnbWFpbC5jb20+DQpDYzoiSGVh dGhlciIgPGhlYXRoZXIuZ29nZ2Fuc0BnbWFpbC5jb20+LDxkam9iQHN0YWZmbWFpbC5lZC5hYy51 az4sIlRvbSBIZW5kZXJzb24iIDx0aGc4cmd1eUB5YWhvby5jb20+LCJEb2JlaywgUGF1bCIgPHBh dWwuZG9iZWtAY2l0aS5jb20+LDxwZG9iZWtAZ21haWwuY29tPiw8YmVhdG15YWNlc0B5YWhvby5j b20+LDxxdmJsb2dnZXJAZ21haWwuY29tPg0KU3ViamVjdDogW3F2XSAwMi4wNi4wMTYNCg0KDQpM YXN0IGZyb20gQ29ub3IgIzE1DQoNCj5KdW5pb3I6IFdvYWghIFlvdSBndXlzIGFyZSB3ZWlyZC4g W1BpY2tzIHVwIGEgc21hbGwgcm9jayBhbmQgdGhyb3dzDQo+aXQsIGhpdHRpbmcgc29tZW9uZSBv biB0aGUgaGVhZCB3aXRoIGl0XSBUaGVyZS4gVGhhdCBndXkuDQoNCkR1cjogVEhBVCdTIEplcm9t ZT8hIFRoYXQncyBvZGQsIGhlIGxvb2tlZCBkaWZmZXJlbnQgdGhlIGxhc3QgdGltZSBJIHNhdw0K aGltLiBNYXliZSBoZSBnb3QgYSBoYWlyIGN1dD8NCg0K

Dur: How can you tell?

Harvey: Certainly because she is quite observant and for no other more disgusting reason an uncle doesn't need to hear about, what!

Clint: Because the real Jerome would respond when I do this! [Lifts of Po Beep's skirt.] Be a better friend, newshound, and

QWxpY2U6IEJlY2F1c2UgSmVyb21lIGRpZG4ndCBoYXZlIGEgbW91c3RhY2hlLCBhbmQgYWxzbywg SmVyb21lJ3MgZGVhZCENClNlbnQgZnJvbSBteSBCbGFja0JlcnJ5riB3aXJlbGVzcyBoYW5kaGVs ZA0KDQotLS0tLU9yaWdpbmFsIE1lc3NhZ2UtLS0tLQ0KRnJvbTogIkRheSwgS2V2aW4gUi4gIChM YXMgQ29saW5hcykgIE5BIiA8S2V2aW4uRGF5QGhhbnNvbi5iaXo+DQoNCkRhdGU6IE1vbiwgMjgg SmFuIDIwMDggMDk6MDY6MTYgDQpUbzo8Y29ub3IuckBnbWFpbC5jb20+DQpDYzoiSGVhdGhlciIg PGhlYXRoZXIuZ29nZ2Fuc0BnbWFpbC5jb20+LDxkam9iQHN0YWZmbWFpbC5lZC5hYy51az4sIlRv bSBIZW5kZXJzb24iIDx0aGc4cmd1eUB5YWhvby5jb20+LCJEb2JlaywgUGF1bCIgPHBhdWwuZG9i ZWtAY2l0aS5jb20+LDxwZG9iZWtAZ21haWwuY29tPiw8YmVhdG15YWNlc0B5YWhvby5jb20+LDxx dmJsb2dnZXJAZ21haWwuY29tPg0KU3ViamVjdDogW3F2XSAwMi4wNi4wMTgNCg0KDQpMYXN0IGZy b20gQ29ub3IgIzE3DQoNCj5BbGljZTogV2VsbCwgdGhhdCBtb3VzdGFjaGUgaXMgbmV3LCBhbmQg aGV5ISBUaGF0J3Mgbm90IGhpbSENCg0KRHVyOiBIb3cgY2FuIHlvdSB0ZWxsPw0K

Chastity: [Excitedly] Jerome is here? I need to meet him. [Walks towards the swarm asking random people where Jerome is]

[CHASTITY heads into the swarm, asking and prodding, but no one pays any attention to her. Similarly, despite CLINT's outrageous assault on PO, JEROME doesn't react.]

Junior: [To Clint] You should swap her underwear with someone else - that really freaks them out!

Dur: Nah, if you really want to freak them out, we should start harvesting their organs and then let them wonder where the infection came from afterwards! What? It's for CHARITY!

Clint: [Looks strangely at both Dur and Junior.] Uh, right. [Lets go of Po's skirt after taking one last look and moves to get a closer look at "Jerome."] So who is this loser, anyway?

Austin : [Looking *exceptionally* nonchalant, mingles with the crowd] Is there anything at the center of the crowd? Something unusual that might be the cause of this strange behaviour?

Austin is carefully searching a few choice targets

Alice: There doesn't even really seem to be a centre, they're just standing around, aren't they?

Junior: [Clearly having fun watching Clint] You should try sticking their finger up someone's nose. That's hilarious! [Thinks for a moment and rubs his nose] Although, don't stick it up too far or you'll start to yellow crayon.

[AUSTIN deftly searches through some of the cleaner looking people, but finds virtually nothing, just a handful of GP.]

Dur: How long do they usually stay like this? [Looks for Sandy]

Clint: You mean, how long until they notice that we've borrowed the key to Jerome's trailer? Be a better friend, newshound, and

Dur: That about sums it up, yes.

Austin : [Looks around for the guy who had the keys] What was that chap name? Duffy?

Junior: You've probably got about another three or four minutes, but make sure you get the keys back, otherwise they'll blame me. [Points out Sandy, who's holding a huge sandwich that's dripping what everyone hopes is mayonnaise onto the ground]

Dur: Don't worry, we'll get them back. [Adds muttering under his breath] Or make sure we frame you so they do not suspect us!

Junior: [Clearly misses what Dur said] Cool. Now, the only problem is that he keeps them in his underpants. Something about the only way to stop non swarm members from rifling through everyone's stuff. [Dramatically] And yes, in the front.

Clint: No problem. Lawyer?

Alice: Surely it should be Dur? After all, he's a doctor and used to handling guy's uh, lads.

Dur: Unfortunately, I only did that for cheeseburgers. Why not you Alice... I'm sure you're more than capable to.... You know...

Alice: [Folds her arms] No, I don't know. What ever do you mean?

Dur: [Looks uncomfortable] You know, [Leans in looking like he's going to whisper but says rather loudly] stick your hand down his pants and get the keys!

Alice: Stick my hand down your pants? No way!

Austin : [Looks disgusted at the idea] Perhaps Mr Scar can simply boot the door in?

awa hame

Clint: Hey! If you guys don't stop arguing and start doing, we're never gonna get those keys in time! Now whoever's closest, just grab 'em already. Be a better friend, newshound, and

[In one surprisingly well co-ordinated movement, everyone takes one step back. Everyone is pretty much the same distance from SANDY's pants.]

Chastity: I nominate the person with the lowest morals. [Glances at Austin and Dur]

Dur: I'm a doctor, good woman! I'm nothing BUT morals... no matter how skewed they might be!

Alice: [Frustrated] But if you've got morals, then surely you don't have any problem sticking your hand down a man's pants?

Harvey: What the blazes are you talking about, niece?! No sweet young thing like you should speak of such things!

Alice: Oh for God's sake! [Takes the plunge and comes out with a sandwich] Hey! [Goes again and fishes out the keys] Here!

Dur: [Takes the sandwich and takes a big bite] Mmmm, Musky!

Alice: [Looking like she's about to throw up] Everyone else just saw that too, right?

Austin : [Horrified at Dur] There are bacteria with more selfrespect than you, Mr Dur.

Uber busy today, no more posts for at least 3 hours.

Dur: [Nods in agreement with a mouthful of sandwich] Sure did! You TOTALLY stuck your hand down that guys pants! It was disgusting. [Takes another huge bite of the sandwich]

Alice: Phew. For a minute there I thought you'd got the sandwich from there!

And the award for the most disgusting post ever goes to Kevin!

Dur: Of course I did! Where else could would I get a quality sandwich with all these mindless idiots milling about! [Finishes the sandwich]=20

Woohoo! I win the internet!

Alice: [Looks Dur up and down] You disgust me.

Clint: [Impatiently.] Look, this is great and all, but we all knew that Dur would eat anything that crawled a long time ago. Let's just get this over with - we can mock him more later! Be a better friend, newshound, and

Harvey: [To Dur, hopefully] You didn't happen to feel any honeyed golden locusts when you were in there, did you?

Dur: Sorry Colonel! There wasn't much down there besides the sandwich if you know what I mean! Zing! Now let's get out of here before he wakes up and realizes his sandwich is gone!

[The party head quickly to trailer #9.]

Austin: [Takes the keys and swiftly unlocks the door] There.

Alice: Go on, Stinky, you go first.

Clint: Haw! [Rears back his foot and, with a herculean effort, turns the doorknob gingerly and steps inside.] There. [Apologetically, to the party.] We might now want those freaks to know we broke in, you know.

I'm, uh, still trying to figure out how to respond to Kevin's earlier post. Not something to spring on a guy just getting out of bed! Be a better friend, newshound, and

[The trailer is so crammed full of election material, all featuring photos of the real JEROME, that there is barely enough space to move around.]

Alice: If we burn it down, Clint, how will they know who broke in?

Austin : [To Alice] Since we are probably the only people who have tried to gain access to this trailer, we would be the prime suspects in any criminal event, involving this trailer, be it arson, or buglary.

awa hame

Clint: Good idea, Bimbo! Random acts of senseless destruction always play big with the voters! Who has a torch? Looking for last minute shopping deals?

play >big with the voters! Who has a torch?

Dur: Wait, why is the Jerome we know on these fliers?

Junior: Oh! [Thinks hard for a while] Uh... [Thinks some more] Nope, I give up. [Giggles with excitement] I love riddles! What is it?

Harvey: [To Junior] Do you think maybe you're immune to the swarm because you have the mental power of a honeyed golden locust?!

Junior: Gee, I don't know. Is that why you're immune?

Chastity: [To Junior] Do not speak to the good Colonel in that manner. [Starts looking through the literature] See how good a candidate Jerome is. Look at all his fantastic policies. [Reads through the material in detail]=20

Alice: [Looks at some of the election material and reads from a pamphlet] 1) Things should be better. 2) Everyone should be happier. Sure, he says that now!

Harvey: [Offended] He stole that from the Angry Party's platform!

Alice: Well, he is a lot shorter than he used to be.

Austin : We all saw Trindle die at Clementine, and this 'Jerome' here is clearly not Trindle, even though the flyers have the real Trinddle's face. So the questions are, who is this trailer park Jerome, and why do people think that he is the real Trindle?

Last from Heather?? Hey!

Alice: Because they're idiots?

Junior: And also, why are they all in the swarm? And why's Jerome in there too?

Austin : Perhaps all of these inconsistencies are linked. [Ponders, checks his nails] They may also have something to do with the shield. [Frowns] I also very much doubt that Mr Scar, Alice and Dur would have the slightest interest in politics, under normal circumstances, so perhaps we have been effected too, but not for long enough for us to need to swarm.

Harvey: [Stomach rumbling dangerously] Perhaps it's something in the food supply? Phili knows we haven't had a bite to eat since we got to this wretched place!

Alice: [Annoyed, to Austin] I was always interested in politics! Why, I even once knew the names of some of the political parties!

Junior: I don't know. I've been here longer than people who've joined the swarm, and, you know, I've got a real interest in politics too since I've been here.

Austin : We all have a greater interest in politic than one would have expected, given our history of previous interest, which has until now, been almost non existent. Does the swarm occur at the center of the shield?

Dur: Except for that excellent sandwich I had earlier!

Chastity: [Looks around the trailer for potential ingredients] Maybe I could rustle up my chicken soup. That prevents all kind of ailments. The only thing it couldn't cure was the rash on my first husband, George's behind. Every time he went away with his apprentice, Julian, it got much worse. I wonder what he was eating on those trips to Fan Sancisco.

Braces in case someone is close with a person called Julian.

[Everyone gives DUR a brief, disgusted look.]

Junior: Nope. It's at the eastern side. Which is weird.

Alice: Really? Did it look anything like this? [Turns away and bends over, but catches herself] Uh, like this, this photo. [Picks up a picture of Jerome]

Clint: C'mon, Bimbo. What are the odds that a rash looks like "Jerome?" Be a better friend, newshound, and

Alice: I don't know, Clint. You're the one who goes around spreading them!

Harvey: [To Alice, baffled] Pictures of Dishonorably Discharged Former Private Trindle?!

Alice: Uh, yeah! And then he wonders why no one will vote for him!

Clint: [Outraged.] Hey! If that bribe holds, I've got at least two! Be a better friend, newshound, and

Junior: You know, we should probably get moving - the swarm will be breaking up soon. [Looks at his watch] Uh oh! My watch has stopped!


Dur: [Looks aghast] I wish I had known that when I was a practicing doctor! It would have saved precious time spent diagnosing and afforded me more time for harvesting... errr ... operating on patients.

For some reason my e-mail is receiving things severely out of order so I seem suddenly out of place, I'm sorry! Kevin Day Receptionist =20 Hanson North America 300 E. John Carpenter Freeway, 15th floor Irving, TX 75062 =20 =20 =20 =20 =20

Clint: [Outraged.] Hey! If that bribe holds, I've got at least two! =20

Clint: Chas, did you look at the nice man's watch? [Heads for the exit.] C'mon, guys, back to our trailer! Looking for last minute shopping deals?

Harvey: Let's march, troop! [Heads after Clint to the exit]

[Everyone stops at the door when they spot what appears to be the entire population of the trailer park heading this way.]

Dur: Head for the back door! [Whispering to the group] You don't think Sandy knows I stole his sandwich do you?

Alice: I don't know, but he can sure run fast for a man with his hands down his pants!

[Everyone heads to the back door. Cue a few moments of fruitless searching.]

Junior: Aw man! Damned trailer ain't got no back door!

Dur: [Looking panicky] That's never stopped us before! Clint, how thick do you think these walls are?

Austin : There are windows at the back, surely?

Alice: But they're tiny! Only someone who's either really scrawny or who's in the habit of sneaking out of toilet windows to escape bad dates is likely to be able to get out.

[Each of AUSTIN, ALICE and DUR turn and look at the tiny window.]

Alice: Me first! [Leaps to the window but can't fit through] Gah!

Clint: Outta my way! [Lowers a shoulder and charges the wall.] Be a better friend, newshound, and

Alice: Noooooo!

[CLINT connects with the wall and goes straight through it. ALICE is now freed but has the window frame stuck around her. Standing outside are BOB PEEP, SANDY and various other lowlifes. BOB is holding a notebook and is writing something down.]

Bob: Add to that willful destruction of a trailer, well, I think you people are in big trouble.

Sandy: And my sandwich, Mr. Peep. Don't forget that one of them took my sandwich! [Eyeballs the party with a lean and hungry look]

Austin : [Sneers at Bob] Your accusations are unfounded, indefensible and plain ridiculous. We are, after, victims of a kidnapping, being held against our will. We are merely trying to escape, and I sincerely doubt that any jury would find our course of action anything but justified.

Bob: Not at all. You're free to leave any time. Just settle your bill and you can be out of here.

Harvey: [Enraged] We don't owe you a cent, chappie!

Bob: On the contrary, Miss. There is a not inconsiderable bill that includes entrance, sheep's feet, access to tables, chairs, etc. etc.

Sandy: Don't forget my sandwich, Mr. Peep!

Bob: Sandy, no one can forget your sandwich. [To the party] Of course, you're more than welcome to try and cross the shield, if you'd prefer.

Harvey: Well, I just might do that! [Hesitates] Er, what does it do, again?

Bob: I think we need... [dramatically] a demonstration!

[The mob give a huge cheer, and young man, CHARLIE MONAGHAN, is pushed to the front.]

Charlie Monaghan

Charlie: Wotcher, Bob! Hi everyone! [Smiles at the party] What can I do for you this fine day? Old pal o'mine? Me old china? [Does a weird little dance and winks at the party] Me mates, me pals, me -

Bob: Walk into the shield.

Charlie: Aw, Bob!

Bob: The shield. [CHARLIE hangs his head and heads south of the trailer but only gets about ten feet, before being thrown back with a huge crackle. He lands on the ground near the party looking dazed and with his clothes a little scorched.]

Charlie: Are we friends now? Do I get to wear a cool dress?

Bob: No.

Dur: So! [Rubs his chin thoughtfully] The shield makes you unpopular?! How dreadful. After all what would I do without all me frie... [Looks to the group] Me first! [Runs off towards the shield].

[DUR runs directly at the shield, with the crowd waiting with baited breath. Soon it becomes apparent that he's gone beyond the part where CHARLIE was thrown back from.]

Bob: [Shocked] Charlie! Do it again!

Charlie: Then will we be friends?

Bob: Sure.

[CHARLIE approaches the shield and gets zapped back like he did before.]

Dur: [Stops and looks back towards the group and shouts] Did it work? Or do you all still admire and respect me?

Alice: Uh, we still hold you in the same esteem we always did.

Charlie: [Looking woozy and now with his nose bleeding] Want me to try again?

Harvey: [To Charlie] That's quite enough, young man. Who's in charge of this blasted shield?

Charlie: Uh, I guess that would be John Smith.

[A murmur of excited chatter runs through the crowd.]

Chastity: [To the crowd] Hush! [To Charlie] Where can we find this John Smith, [aside] if that is his real name?

Charlie: You don't find John Smith. John Smith summons you.

Bob: [Annoyed, stepping in front of Charlie] I'll handle this! [To Chastity] You don't find John Smith. John Smith summons you.

Clint: Sure, whatever. Harv, let's go find this John Smith guy. Be a better friend, newshound, and

Bob: Too late! He's already summoned you!

Alice: [Points at Dur, who's still standing quite a distance away] What about him?

Harvey: [To Alice, patiently] That's not John Smith. That's [hesitates, puzzled] new recruit.

Dur: [Waves to the group] Yeah! What about me? How do I get back inside the shield?

Alice: Thanks Harvey. [Sigh] How does he get back in?

Bob: I don't know.

Dur: [Walks tentatively back towards the shield]

[DUR crosses the area that poor old CHARLIE was stopped at both times and is soon back with the party.]

Bob: Huh!

Harvey: At ease, troop! Your commander will investigate this so-called shield business! [Walks to the shield and carefully reaches out to touch it]

[HARVEY steps out and holds his hand out, before edging forward slowly.]

Bob: [Realising that Harvey has passed through the shield] Bzzzt!

Harvey: [Delighted] Well, that was easy! [To Bob] What's the meaning of this, some elaborate scheme to torture this wretched boy? [Points to Charlie]

Charlie: [Shocked] What? [Turns to the mob] You bastards! Well, that settles it, I'm leaving. [Strides towards Harvey] Come on, I'll join with you. We can be best buds. We can go camping together and maybe hang around in -

[Bzzzt! CHARLIE gets shocked again and fired back.]

Dur: Is he the only one who's been affected by the shield?

Bob: No! We've all been affected one time or another. We just use him to demonstrate it because he's an idiot.

Charlie: I am not!

Bob: Well, you are, kind of.

Charlie: [Hangs his heads] I suppose.

Clint: Easy enough to find out! [To Bob.] Get over here! We're taking a walk. [Pauses.] And remember - vote Clint! Be a better friend, newshound, and

Bob: [Gestures to some of the mob, who start to get between the rest of the party and the shield] Oh yes we are, but [points to the west] that way.

Junior: That's where John Smith lives.

Clint: Fine by me! But at least let the... lady get rid of her new fashion accessory first! [Gestures at Alice's window frame.] Looking for last minute shopping deals?

Alice: I don't know, Clint, I kind of like it. It's [very stagey] see through!

Austin : [Ponders the frame] Not the most flattering of accessories.

Alice: Sigh. [Squeezes out of the window frame]

Bob: [To Harvey and Dur, who are still beyond the shield] Are you coming?


Dur: Ha! [Excitedly] Make us! [To Harv] I've ALWAYS wanted to say that without fearing getting punched in the face!

Clint: [To Alice, Austin, and Chastity.] Are we going? Looking for last minute shopping deals?

Austin : [To Alice] Have we met a John Smith before? I thought Faern was using that name for a while?

Alice: Yes, he was. It's hardly him, though, is it? I know he was into all that crazy time travel thing, so it could be, but it's a common false name, isn't it? I mean, virtually every time I stayed in a hotel room when I was at school the guy booked it with the - uh, well, it's a common name.

Bob: [To Dur] If you don't come back in we'll kill your friends.

Clint: That's my cue! [Lowers a shoulder again and prepares to lead a charge to freedom.] Looking for last minute shopping deals?

Dur: [Looks to the group, then looks to Harv and frowns] Had you made that threat before the colonel crossed the shield... I would have run for my life! [He sighs] =20


Chastity: [To Bob] Let us discuss this with Dur before you perform any rash actions you may regret. [Walks towards Dur and motions the rest of the party to follow]

[CLINT makes a charge, but is pulled down by the mob.]

Bob: Get them!

[The party members inside the shield are quickly overpowered by the mob.]

Junior: [Trying to help Clint get through] You've got to get out of here! Anyone who's ever met John Smith has been forced to stay here forever!

Clint: Nooooooooooooo!

I'm aware that this is late in the day for most of y'all, but it had to be said...


Chastity: Unhand me, you brutes! I am a woman of the cloth. [Attempts to cast a Distract spell on the mob and will run towards the shield]

Harvey: [Bellows] Cease this mobbery immediately! Please, we can work for you on the outside, help you get this pesky shield down and all that?!

[CHASTITY tries to cast her spell, but is too restrained by the mob, who are holding everyone tight.]

Bob: Sure, you say that now, but no one else who's got out has ever come back for us!

Harvey: Release my troop, and I will take their place. They WILL come back for their commanding officer!

Austin : Unhand me! You don't have the slightests idea of how much the garments cost! [Indignantly to Bob] Well we will free you all, as we have for many many people before you, who were in a similar state of incarceration! That is what we do, and besides, you have nothing to loose, and your freedom to gain, certainly we may be able to free you from within the shield, but we would probably have a better chance if we could also go and get more help!

Sandy: Nu-uh! You're all [checks a piece of paper] toilet cleaners! Nothing but toilet cleaners. Nothing but trailer breaking into toilet cleaners. Nothing but trailer breaking into, sandwich stealing toilet cleaners! Nothing but -

Bob: Thanks Sandy. That'll do. [To Harvey] Sure they will. [Takes out a sword from beneath his petticoats] Now it's time to start cutting off toes!

Alice: [Stage whisper to the others] Yay! They're bound to be distracted when he cuts off their toes. Then we can make a break for it! [Tries to make two thumbs up, but fails because she's being held] Hey, excuse me!

Roc-J: [Who's holding Alice] 'scuse me, mo-fo! [Lets Alice go]

[ALICE gives two thumbs up and a big smile, before letting ROC-J hold her again.]

Harvey: My troop needs all ten toes, thank you very much! [Rushes into the crowd with his sword at the ready]

Bob: Excellent! Now, put the sword down and come quietly!

Austin : [Tries to make a run for it, draws his dagger]

[AUSTIN tries to break free from those holding him but is unable.]

Bob: Now is that coming quietly?

Harvey: [Still holding his sword] Release my troop, and I'll lower my weapon!

Bob: Sigh. [Looks over the party before pointing at Alice] Cut off one of her toes!

Harvey: [Puts down his sword quickly] No!

Qm9iOiBBdy4gVGhhdCB3b3VsZCBoYXZlIG1hZGUgYSBuaWNlIGNoYW5nZSBmcm9tIHNoZWVwJ3Mg dG9lcyEgW3RvIGR1cl0gd2hhdCBhYm91dCB5b3UgdG91Z2ggZ3V5Pw0KU2VudCBmcm9tIG15IEJs YWNrQmVycnmuIHdpcmVsZXNzIGhhbmRoZWxkDQoNCi0tLS0tT3JpZ2luYWwgTWVzc2FnZS0tLS0t DQpGcm9tOiBIZWF0aGVyIDxoZWF0aGVyLmdvZ2dhbnNAZ21haWwuY29tPg0KDQpEYXRlOiBGcmks IDEgRmViIDIwMDggMTM6NDQ6MzIgDQpUbzoiQ29ub3IgUnlhbiIgPGNvbm9yLnJAZ21haWwuY29t Pg0KQ2M6ImRqb2JAc3RhZmZtYWlsLmVkLmFjLnVrIiA8ZGpvYkBzdGFmZm1haWwuZWQuYWMudWs+ LCAiRG9iZWssIFBhdWwiIDxwYXVsLmRvYmVrQGNpdGkuY29tPiwgIlRvbSBIZW5kZXJzb24iIDx0 aGc4cmd1eUB5YWhvby5jb20+LCAiRGF5LCBLZXZpbiBSLiAoTGFzIENvbGluYXMpIE5BIiA8S2V2 aW4uRGF5QGhhbnNvbi5iaXo+LCBwZG9iZWtAZ21haWwuY29tLCBiZWF0bXlhY2VzQHlhaG9vLmNv bSwgcXZibG9nZ2VyQGdtYWlsLmNvbQ0KU3ViamVjdDogW3F2XSAwMi4wNi4xMzUNCg0KDQo+IExh c3QgZnJvbSBDb25vciAjMTM0DQo+DQo+IEJvYjogU2lnaC4gW0xvb2tzIG92ZXIgdGhlIHBhcnR5 IGJlZm9yZSBwb2ludGluZyBhdCBBbGljZV0gQ3V0IG9mZiBvbmUNCj4gb2YgaGVyIHRvZXMhDQoN CkhhcnZleTogW1B1dHMgZG93biBoaXMgc3dvcmQgcXVpY2tseV0gTm8hDQo=

Clint: Does he look like he minds cutting off people's toes?! Looking for last minute shopping deals?

Dur: Yeah! Um, could I get those wrapped to go? I'm kind of in a hurry here.

Alice: You bastard! Get back in here right now!

Dur: [Looks at the captive party, and the empty road behind him, and then back and forth a few more times weighing his decision. Finally, hanging his head and sighing, he crosses back into the shield and into the awaiting mob.]

Austin : [Looks astonished. To Dur] Well, you seem to be full of suprises!


Dur: I was scared that if you all got out of this sticky situation, which you usually do, that you'd hunt me down.

Alice: [Looks at Dur with disgust] Oh. My. God. At least before we had some respect for you!

Dur: [Shrugs] I can't eat respect. Toes, on the other hand, are a totally different story!

Bob: Mm-mm! Nothing like 'em. Toes 'n nose. That's my favourite.

Austin : It is becomeming apparent why no one came back to help you. Have you ever considerd being nice to people?

Bob: The reason that none ever came back, smart guy, is that none ever escaped!

Austin : [To Bob] Don't you think that it would be helpful to your escape efforts to let as many people as possible out of the shield?

Harvey: Agreed, Private Sleaze! It only makes [searches for the word] mathematical sense, what!

Bob: Maybe it does and maybe it doesn't.

[Time passes.]

Bob: Uh, that's all I have to say. You're still going to have to see John Smith.

End of scene. Next one coming right up.

[Book VI, Act II, Scene VII. The Trailer Park.ALICE, AUSTIN, CHASTITY, CLINT, DUR, HARVEY and JUNIOR are here, being prodded along by the mob, heading westwards.]

Mob: Now you'll be sorry. You'll be given a chance to outsmart John Smith. If you don't, you'll be trapped here forever.

Alice: [To the party] Kinda freaky how they all speak at the same time, isn't it?

Austin : Mind control on this scale must require considerable power, I wonder who this John Smith chap really is?

Harvey: [Grimly] Another fella with an orb, I'll bet!

[Enter TONY "DRAGON" DRAGON, coming from the western side of the trailer park. He has a huge, cheesy grin and is carrying a brief case.]

Bob: Hah! Here comes John Smith's latest victim. See how his spirit is crushed! See how - oh.

Tony: [Grin gets even larger] Hi everyone!

Tony "Dragon" Dragon

Harvey: [Shields his eyes and howls] The glare, it burns! [Shakes his fist] Curse you, Smith!

Dragon: Hi. I'm Tony Dragon. But everyone calls me Dragon.

Bob: No we don't. We call you shit head. Or idiot.

Dragon: Well, you might want to rethink that, because I, Tony Dragon, have outsmarted John Smith.

Harvey: [Cautiously lowers his hand to face Tony full on] Might I ask how you did that, good shiny sir?


Chastity: [To Dragon] Really? You outsmarted John Smith? How did you do such a thing?

Dragon: [Beams even more brightly with the questions] I'm awfully glad you asked me that question. Well, those questions. I tricked him into buying a bit of an old pie for 500,000 GP.

500,000 GP is an astronomical amount of money

Alice: [Calmly] What kind of pie?

Dragon: Apple, I think.

Alice: [Astounded] No way!

Harvey: [Impressed] How did you trick him, young man?

Dragon: I told him I had a piece of pie. Then I told him it cost him five hundred gees. Then he paid me.

Alice: [Suspiciously] Is it a supernatural piece of pie?

Dragon: Nope.

Alice: Does it have any powers?

Dragon: The apple pie is in no way magical.

Dur: Wait, did he pay you in gold or in "gees"?

Dragon: What you mean?

Dur: Well, first you said you sold a piece of pie for 500,000 gold. THEN you say he agreed to pay 500,000 "gees". Which is it?

Dragon: [Face drops slightly] I didn't say 500,000 gees, I said 500 gees. That's the same as 500,000 GP. Isn't it?

Clint: You better check to make sure he didn't just clip a bunch of gees out of newspapers and give them to you!

Dragon: [Pales] Uh oh! [Bends down and opens up his briefcase, which is filled with what appear to be tiny metal letter "g"s] Oh my God.

Alice: [Looks in closer] Hey, they're not even gees, they're sixes!

Dragon: Noooooo!

Austin : [To Dragon] Well, do you actually have the cash? Verbal contracts only work, in general, when the creditor is much more dangerous than the creditee, and seldomly do they work the other way around.

Austin : [Calmly watching the little 'g's fall to the ground] I can see that we will need to take great care in our negociations with John Smith.

Clint: You mean, assume that everything he says is a big pack of lies? As a lawyer, you should be used to that! Be a better friend, newshound, and

SnVuaW9yOiBXb3cuIFRoYXQgSm9obiBTbWl0aCBpcyBvbmUgc21hcnQgY2hpY2tlbiENCg0KDQpT ZW50IGZyb20gbXkgQmxhY2tCZXJyea4gd2lyZWxlc3MgaGFuZGhlbGQNCg0KLS0tLS1PcmlnaW5h bCBNZXNzYWdlLS0tLS0NCkZyb206IGRqb2JAc3RhZmZtYWlsLmVkLmFjLnVrDQoNCkRhdGU6IE1v biwgMDQgRmViIDIwMDggMTU6NDQ6NTggDQpUbzpDb25vciBSeWFuIDxjb25vci5yQGdtYWlsLmNv bT4NCkNjOlRvbSBIZW5kZXJzb24gPHRoZzhyZ3V5QHlhaG9vLmNvbT4sICAgICAgICJEYXksIEtl dmluIFIuIChMYXMgQ29saW5hcykgTkEiPEtldmluLkRheUBoYW5zb24uYml6PiwgICAgICAgSGVh dGhlciA8aGVhdGhlci5nb2dnYW5zQGdtYWlsLmNvbT4sICAgICAgICJEb2JlaywgUGF1bCI8cGF1 bC5kb2Jla0BjaXRpLmNvbT4sIHBkb2Jla0BnbWFpbC5jb20sICAgICAgIGJlYXRteWFjZXNAeWFo b28uY29tLCBxdmJsb2dnZXJAZ21haWwuY29tDQpTdWJqZWN0OiBbcXZdIDAyLjA3LjAxNw0KDQoN Ckxhc3QgZnJvbSBDb25vciAjMTYNCg0KPiBEcmFnb246IFtQYWxlc10gVWggb2ghIFtCZW5kcyBk b3duIGFuZCBvcGVucyB1cCBoaXMgYnJpZWZjYXNlLCB3aGljaA0KPiBpcyBmaWxsZWQgd2l0aCB3 aGF0IGFwcGVhciB0byBiZSB0aW55IG1ldGFsIGxldHRlciAiZyJzXSBPaCBteSBHb2QuDQo+DQo+ IEFsaWNlOiBbTG9va3MgaW4gY2xvc2VyXSBIZXksIHRoZXkncmUgbm90IGV2ZW4gZ2VlcywgdGhl eSdyZSBzaXhlcyENCj4NCj4gRHJhZ29uOiBOb29vb29vIQ0KDQpBdXN0aW4gOiBbQ2FsbWx5IHdh dGNoaW5nIHRoZSBsaXR0bGUgJ2cncyBmYWxsIHRvIHRoZSBncm91bmRdIEkgY2FuICANCnNlZSB0 aGF0IHdlIHdpbGwgbmVlZCB0byB0YWtlIGdyZWF0IGNhcmUgaW4gb3VyIG5lZ29jaWF0aW9ucyB3 aXRoIEpvaG4gIA0KU21pdGguDQoNCg0KDQoNCi0tIA0KVGhlIFVuaXZlcnNpdHkgb2YgRWRpbmJ1 cmdoIGlzIGEgY2hhcml0YWJsZSBib2R5LCByZWdpc3RlcmVkIGluDQpTY290bGFuZCwgd2l0aCBy ZWdpc3RyYXRpb24gbnVtYmVyIFNDMDA1MzM2Lg0KDQoNCg==

Dur: John Smith is a chicken?! =20

Harvey: Probably not, Private, but we must be ready for anything!

SnVuaW9yOiBXZWxsLCBkdWghIE9mIGNvdXJzZSBoZSdzIGEgY2hpY2tlbiENCg0KDQpTZW50IGZy b20gbXkgQmxhY2tCZXJyea4gd2lyZWxlc3MgaGFuZGhlbGQNCg0KLS0tLS1PcmlnaW5hbCBNZXNz YWdlLS0tLS0NCkZyb206IEhlYXRoZXIgPGhlYXRoZXIuZ29nZ2Fuc0BnbWFpbC5jb20+DQoNCkRh dGU6IE1vbiwgNCBGZWIgMjAwOCAxNTo1Nzo0NSANClRvOiJEYXksIEtldmluIFIuIChMYXMgQ29s aW5hcykgTkEiIDxLZXZpbi5EYXlAaGFuc29uLmJpej4NCkNjOiJUb20gSGVuZGVyc29uIiA8dGhn OHJndXlAeWFob28uY29tPiwgZGpvYkBzdGFmZm1haWwuZWQuYWMudWssICJDb25vciBSeWFuIiA8 Y29ub3IuckBnbWFpbC5jb20+LCAiRG9iZWssIFBhdWwiIDxwYXVsLmRvYmVrQGNpdGkuY29tPiwg cGRvYmVrQGdtYWlsLmNvbSwgYmVhdG15YWNlc0B5YWhvby5jb20sIHF2YmxvZ2dlckBnbWFpbC5j b20NClN1YmplY3Q6IFtxdl0gMDIuMDcuMDIwDQoNCg0KPiBMYXN0IGZyb20gS2V2aW4gIzE5DQo+ DQo+IER1cjogSm9obiBTbWl0aCBpcyBhIGNoaWNrZW4/IQ0KDQpIYXJ2ZXk6IFByb2JhYmx5IG5v dCwgUHJpdmF0ZSwgYnV0IHdlIG11c3QgYmUgcmVhZHkgZm9yIGFueXRoaW5nIQ0K

Chastity: That is absurd. There is no way John Smith can be a chicken.=20

Austin : [To Chastity] The fact that you are even entertaining the idea, is quite absurd. Shall we go and mee this John Smith person, whomever he may be?

Clint: Chas, he's hiding behind a shield! Of course he's a chicken! Real men don't use shields. Or deodorant. Be a better friend, newshound, and

Junior: He's a chicken all right, but don't let that fool you. He's tricked loads of people here.

Bob: [To Junior] You're going in too. We've had enough of you and your non-swarming ways. Weirdo.

Harvey: [Scoffs] This fowl picked the wrong troop to run afoul! We'll not be fooled by this featherbrain!

Alice: Too right! The Queens View Party will definitely be able to outwit a chicken!

[The party and JUNIOR move on further west, and up to another trailer.]

Junior: This is where he lives.

Updated Map:

Updated Map

Clint: Awful nice trailer for a chicken... Looking for last minute shopping deals?

Junior: He won it during a game of blackjack with Bob. [Knocks on the door, but there's no answer]

Alice: [Holds up a piece of paper] You know, I've been drawing a map of the place. [Shows it to the party] Anyone think that looks weird?

Dur: A chicken once bested me at checkers, I can't face that kind of humiliation again! =20 =20

Alice: I can just imagine. All that clucking and shaking of feathers. I bet the chicken was annoying too!

Clint: [Examining the map.] Hey, yeah, that's really weird! Probably just a big coincidence, though. I mean, you really think these freaks need help? Be a better friend, newshound, and

Alice: [Puzzled] What do you mean?

Clint: [Rotates the map.] Look! From this angle, the trailers spell out HELP. Be a better friend, newshound, and

Dur: [Looks at the map] Oh. My. God! You can read?!

Alice: Huh! It does spell Help. What I meant is that stain is weird. See how it's kind of in the shape of Pelvis Resley? [It's not of course. Because that would be preposterous. It's much more like the shape of Mim Jorrison.]

Dur: [Looks at the stain] Wow. Another amazing coincidence! Should we worship it or sell it in the D-Bay marketplace for an unholy amount of money?

Chastity: [Tilts the map another way] It could also spell d73H. Hmm, it sounds like some kind of password.

Alice: Maybe it's someone's password for D-Bay?

Harvey: [Scratches a sideburn] Or perhaps a brand of chicken feed?

Alice: [Darkly. Eyes narrowing with hatred] No, that's [with pure hatred] C-Bay.

Austin : Chickens do get drunk rather easily, perhaps Alice could challenge him to a drinking competition? [Ponders] A drunken chicken once sat upon the roof of my lamborari carriage, preventing me from getting to my designer's studio to collect a new suit. [Goes forlorn] It was not until the next day that the chicken left, so by the time I got to the studio, my suit was a whole day old! [Visibly pales]

Alice: Did he have C-Bay up there with him?

Chastity: [To Austin] Why didn't you shoo the chicken away?

Harvey: Sister, we don't have time for philosophical mumbo jumbo! We must confront this accursed bird!

Austin : [To Chastity] It was drunk! It could not stand, let alone be shooed away! [Rolls his eyes, and tuts]

Alice: [Nods] You know how aggressive an intoxicated chicken can be, Sister!

Austin : [Anoyed] Agressive?! It was about as aggressive as a plum pudding!

Alice: And yet still you were afraid of it. Surprise surprise!

Austin : [To Alice, indignantly] What on earth makes you think that I was afraid of it? Ridiculous!

Alice: [Shrugs] History?

Harvey: Now, don't be too harsh, my girl! We've all stared down the beak of a crazed chicken in our time!

Alice: Oh please! That's nothing. Try being chased around a petting zoo by twenty enraged starving chickens, then you'll know about the true meaning of fear!

Austin : [Laughs and gives a derisory tut] Ahh I see, you have a deapseated childhood fear of chickens! [Laughs] Well not everyone is terrified of the vile little creatures, in the way that you are!

Clint: So it was an evil petting zoo? Be a better friend, newshound, and

Dur: [Wrings his hands nervously] When I was a young man and working as a carriage valet, a chicken purposely stepped into the road in front of me. I swerved into the on-coming carriages there was a 5 carriage pile up! There were goods, wood, and horse feces all over the place! When I tried to show everyone that it was the chickens fault, the damn thing was gone!

Austin : [Looks doubtfull] I doubt, very much, that a man of your moral standings would swerve to avoid a chicken! What was the real reason?

Alice: [Defiantly to Austin] I wasn't a child when it happened! [To Clint] Not especially, but that Sylvia, who told me that putting birdseed in my underpants would attract boys was pretty evil.

Alice: [Stands beside Austin] Yeah! Hardly the kind of behaviour that one would expect from a member of the Stupid Party! I bet he was swerving to hit the chicken!

Harvey: [Stares into the distance] I was a leading a troop on a secret mission to destroy a key enemy chicken coop. It was night, and my boys had been walking for days with nothing but firewater in their bellies. Sure, we were a little lit, but it was Philimas and don't you dare judge us! We prepared to approach the coop and I got a faceful of feathered fury. I tried to knock those bastards away with my sword, but I got a little too wild and ran it through a youngster named [voice quavers] Babe, fella in the prime of his life, just about to go on leave the next day to marry his pregnant fiancee and take a cushy government job and live in a castle for the rest of his days!

Dur: [to Austin] Do you have any idea how hard it is to eat raw, crushed chicken?!

Clint: [Quietly.] When I was a kid, we had this chicken that lived across the road. Every day, he'd get up in the middle of the night, perch just outside the window, and start crowing his fool head off. Oh, we tried to kill it, but he was too wily. [Shakes his head.] Drove my dad to drink, my mom into the arms of another man... I hated that bird. [Shake a fist.] And one day, I'll get even! One day, do you hear me? [Looks up at the party a little sheepishly.] I mean... uh... chicken - it's what's for dinner! Be a better friend, newshound, and

Austin : [Looks pale] You don't think that ... that this John Smith... could be the same chicken? [Looks aprehensively around the party]

Clint: [Quietly.] When I was a kid, we had this chicken that lived across the road. Every day, he'd get up in the middle of the night, perch just outside the window, and start crowing his fool head off. Oh, we tried to kill it, but he was too wily. [Shakes his head.] Drove my dad to drink, my mom into the arms of another man... I hated that bird. [Shake a fist.] And one day, I'll get even! One day, do you hear me? [Looks up at the party a little sheepishly.] I mean... uh... chicken - it's what's for dinner! Be a better friend, newshound, and

Austin : [To Harvey, wide eyed] You killed one of your own ... [To Dur] Ha! That was what you were up to! Trying to scoop the chicken as you passed it no doubt! [Glances nervously at Harvey, then back to Dur] Trying to scoop it straight into a sandwhich no doubt!

Clint: What're the chances of that, lawyer? I mean, it was just a chicken, not an evil genius! [Pauses.] Hmm... Be a better friend, newshound, and

Alice: [Defiantly to Austin] I wasn't a child when it happened! [To Clint] Not especially, but that Sylvia, who told me that putting birdseed in my underpants would attract boys was pretty evil.

Alice: [To Junior] What about you? Do you have any stories about evil chickens in your past?

Junior: [Shrugs] Nope. Well, there was that one time I was having a chicken sandwich and it was a bit gristly, but other than that I'm cool with chickens. Oh, other than the one that killed my parents and sisters, of course.

[The door to the trailer opens, and everyone steps inside. Standing on a table here is JOHN SMITH. JOHN appears to be a fairly regular sized chicken.]

John Smith

John: Ah! I wondered when you'd get here. The great Colonel Harvey Kingston Short! Who sent a rival in love to his death. Austin Sleaze, a man so hypocritical he genuinely believes that he is good. Clint Scar, who murdered his own father and betrayed everyone who has ever been foolish enough to spend time with him. Alice Bassett Short, baby killer. Dur TiRag, who has single handedly killed more people than the Dark Death and Chastity Browne, [with disgust] a nun.

Junior: [After an awkward pause] Soooo. Seems like he knows you guys, huh?

John: And Junior Junior. The man who murdered his own family, including his pregnant wife.

[Everyone turns and looks at JUNIOR in surprise.]

Junior: He, uh, he makes that sound a whole lot worse than it really was.

[Everyone turns and looks back at JOHN.]

John: So, you think you can -

Alice: Hey! Wait a minute! He's not talking at all!

[This is true. The voice clearly is coming from behind JOHN, and he appears to be an ordinary chicken.]

John: [As if on cue] Puuuuuck! Puck puck puck! [Poops on the table]


Austin : Show yourself! Slanderous coward! Hiding behind a chicken. =20 [Goes to investigate where the voice is comming from]

Alice: Yeah! What are you? Some sort of ch- uh, some sort of, cowardly bird?

[AUSTIN steps behind the table and there is clearly no one there. There doesn't appear to be anywhere in this room for someone to hide.]

Harvey: [Unimpressed] Well, somebody likes to hear his own cluck! Just who do you think you are, you accusatory cock?!

John: Just someone who knows it would be safer for you if you all just sloped on out of here. You can head out the back way and out through the shield.

Austin : [Takes a peek under the table] Oh, okay, thank you. And I am good, I have been selflessly intrinsic to the saving of thousands of lives, many times. [Straightens a cuff and heads out the back way]

John: Sure you have. Of course, you have also shamelessly tried to turn every single possible opportunity to help people into a way to make money for yourself. You can all leave, by the way.

Harvey: [To John] Delighted to do so! Troop, we've been given our marching papers, so let us march out of this dreadful place!

Chastity: Wait! How can we be sure this isn't some kind of fiendishly = clever plan? I don't like this one bit. [Inspects the back entrance = carefully]

John: I'm a chicken. How clever can it be?

Alice: [To the party] What about those guys trapped in the trailer park? Are we just going to leave them there?

Austin : Just because they are psychotic toe chopping lunatics does not mean that we wont rescue them. [Checks out the 'back way' for anything suspicious].

[The back way appears to be a genuine way out of the trailer. There is another trailer further off to the west (not on the map) that is clearly not part of the town, and looks a whole lot fancier than all of the ones in the town.]

Alice: I wonder who lives there. [Turns to the chicken, sword drawn] Tell us who lives there or I'll slit your gizzard!

Chicken: Puuuck! Puuuck!

Alice: Book? Some sort of librarian? [Looks horrified] Oh man, is there going to be reading?

Dur: How do you know so much about us?

Sm9objogW0xhdWdoc10gYmVjYXVzZSBJJ20gb25lIG9mIHlvdSEgSSdtIGEgU29uIG9mIENsZW1l bnRpbmUhDQoNCg0KU2VudCBmcm9tIG15IEJsYWNrQmVycnmuIHdpcmVsZXNzIGhhbmRoZWxkDQoN Ci0tLS0tT3JpZ2luYWwgTWVzc2FnZS0tLS0tDQpGcm9tOiAiRGF5LCBLZXZpbiBSLiAgKExhcyBD b2xpbmFzKSAgTkEiIDxLZXZpbi5EYXlAaGFuc29uLmJpej4NCg0KRGF0ZTogV2VkLCA2IEZlYiAy MDA4IDA4OjIxOjI2IA0KVG86IkNvbm9yIFJ5YW4iIDxjb25vci5yQGdtYWlsLmNvbT4sPGRqb2JA c3RhZmZtYWlsLmVkLmFjLnVrPg0KQ2M6IkRvYmVrLCBQYXVsIiA8cGF1bC5kb2Jla0BjaXRpLmNv bT4sPGhlYXRoZXIuZ29nZ2Fuc0BnbWFpbC5jb20+LDx0aGc4cmd1eUB5YWhvby5jb20+LDxwZG9i ZWtAZ21haWwuY29tPiw8YmVhdG15YWNlc0B5YWhvby5jb20+LDxxdmJsb2dnZXJAZ21haWwuY29t Pg0KU3ViamVjdDogW3F2XSAwMi4wNy4wNzMNCg0KDQpMYXN0IGZyb20gQ29ub3IgIzcyDQoNCj4g ICAgICAgW1RoZSBiYWNrIHdheSBhcHBlYXJzIHRvIGJlIGEgZ2VudWluZSB3YXkgb3V0IG9mIHRo ZSB0cmFpbGVyLg0KPlRoZXJlIGlzIGFub3RoZXIgdHJhaWxlciBmdXJ0aGVyIG9mZiB0byB0aGUg d2VzdCAobm90IG9uIHRoZSBtYXApIHRoYXQNCj5pcyBjbGVhcmx5IG5vdCBwYXJ0IG9mIHRoZSB0 b3duLCBhbmQgbG9va3MgYSB3aG9sZSBsb3QgZmFuY2llciB0aGFuDQo+YWxsIG9mIHRoZSBvbmVz IGluIHRoZSB0b3duLl0NCj4NCj5BbGljZTogSSB3b25kZXIgd2hvIGxpdmVzIHRoZXJlLiBbVHVy bnMgdG8gdGhlIGNoaWNrZW4sIHN3b3JkIGRyYXduXQ0KPlRlbGwgdXMgd2hvIGxpdmVzIHRoZXJl IG9yIEknbGwgc2xpdCB5b3VyIGdpenphcmQhDQo+DQo+Q2hpY2tlbjogUHV1dWNrISBQdXV1Y2sh DQo+DQo+QWxpY2U6IEJvb2s/IFNvbWUgc29ydCBvZiBsaWJyYXJpYW4/IFtMb29rcyBob3JyaWZp ZWRdIE9oIG1hbiwgaXMNCj50aGVyZSBnb2luZyB0byBiZSByZWFkaW5nPw0KDQpEdXI6IEhvdyBk byB5b3Uga25vdyBzbyBtdWNoIGFib3V0IHVzPw0K

Austin : [Rolls his eyes] Let's go. [Heads out the back] Hills giving birth to talking chickens, whatever next!

QWxpY2U6IE5vdywgeW91IGRvIGtub3cgdGhhdCBpdCBpc24ndCBhY3R1YWxseSB0aGUgY2hpY2tl biB3aG8ncyB0YWxraW5nPyANCg0KU2VudCBmcm9tIG15IEJsYWNrQmVycnnCriB3aXJlbGVzcyBo YW5kaGVsZA0KDQotLS0tLU9yaWdpbmFsIE1lc3NhZ2UtLS0tLQ0KRnJvbTogZGpvYkBzdGFmZm1h aWwuZWQuYWMudWsNCg0KRGF0ZTogV2VkLCAwNiBGZWIgMjAwOCAxNDo1MToyMCANClRvOmNvbm9y LnJAZ21haWwuY29tDQpDYzoiRGF5LCBLZXZpbiBSLiAgKExhcyBDb2xpbmFzKSAgTkEiIDxLZXZp bi5EYXlAaGFuc29uLmJpej4sICAgICAgICJEb2JlayxQYXVsIiA8cGF1bC5kb2Jla0BjaXRpLmNv bT4sIGhlYXRoZXIuZ29nZ2Fuc0BnbWFpbC5jb20sICAgICAgIHRoZzhyZ3V5QHlhaG9vLmNvbSwg cGRvYmVrQGdtYWlsLmNvbSwgYmVhdG15YWNlc0B5YWhvby5jb20sICAgICAgIHF2YmxvZ2dlckBn bWFpbC5jb20NClN1YmplY3Q6IFtxdl0gMDIuMDcuMDc1DQoNCg0KTGFzdCBmcm9tIENvbm9yICMw Mi4wNy4wNzQNCg0KPiBKb2huOiBbTGF1Z2hzXSBiZWNhdXNlIEknbSBvbmUgb2YgeW91ISBJJ20g YSBTb24gb2YgQ2xlbWVudGluZSENCg0KQXVzdGluIDogW1JvbGxzIGhpcyBleWVzXSBMZXQncyBn by4gW0hlYWRzIG91dCB0aGUgYmFja10gSGlsbHMgZ2l2aW5nICANCmJpcnRoIHRvIHRhbGtpbmcg Y2hpY2tlbnMsIHdoYXRldmVyIG5leHQhDQoNCg0KDQoNCg0KLS0gDQpUaGUgVW5pdmVyc2l0eSBv ZiBFZGluYnVyZ2ggaXMgYSBjaGFyaXRhYmxlIGJvZHksIHJlZ2lzdGVyZWQgaW4NClNjb3RsYW5k LCB3aXRoIHJlZ2lzdHJhdGlvbiBudW1iZXIgU0MwMDUzMzYuDQoNCg0K

Clint: Yes it is, Bimbo! Just not a bird. [Looks around suspiciously.] And no chicken tells Clint Scar to shove off and actually expects him to do it. Looking for last minute shopping deals?

Alice: But...[looks confused, but finally figures it out] Oh! I see! [Slowly, spelling it out for herself] The guy who's pretending to be the voice of the chicken is actually the chicken? That's really clever, Stinky!

Harvey: No, dear girl, the man who's pretending to be the voice of the chicken is also pretending to be a chicken!

Dur: Couldn't the man just be invisible and sitting in the same room as the chicken?

Austin : The chicken was clearly not talking, but being used as some bizzare form of avatar, by an unseen person. Let's get out of this nightmare. [Glances around] Perhaps it was the person behind the chicken who needs help? Or parhaps they live in that really smart trailer?

Alice: Don't be silly, Aus. There's no such thing as a really smart - oh, actually it is quite nice, isn't? [Looks horrified] Oh my GOD! We've been here way too long!

Clint: Think of how the people who actually live here feel! Be a better friend, newshound, and

Austin : [Suddenly realises what he said to Alice] Oh, my, god! [Puts his hand to his mouth] Did I really say that! [To Alice deeply concerned] We really hve been here too long. We'll be swarming next!

QWxpY2U6IE1heWJlIHdlJ3JlIGFscmVhZHkgcGFydCBvZiB0aGUgc3dhcm0hDQpTZW50IGZyb20g bXkgQmxhY2tCZXJyea4gd2lyZWxlc3MgaGFuZGhlbGQNCg0KLS0tLS1PcmlnaW5hbCBNZXNzYWdl LS0tLS0NCkZyb206IGRqb2JAc3RhZmZtYWlsLmVkLmFjLnVrDQoNCkRhdGU6IFdlZCwgMDYgRmVi IDIwMDggMTY6NDE6MzAgDQpUbzpUb20gSGVuZGVyc29uIDx0aGc4cmd1eUB5YWhvby5jb20+DQpD YzpDb25vciBSeWFuIDxjb25vci5yQGdtYWlsLmNvbT4sICAgICAgICJEYXksIEtldmluIFIuIChM YXMgQ29saW5hcykgTkEiPEtldmluLkRheUBoYW5zb24uYml6PiwgICAgICAgSGVhdGhlciA8aGVh dGhlci5nb2dnYW5zQGdtYWlsLmNvbT4sICAgICAgICJEb2JlayxQYXVsIjxwYXVsLmRvYmVrQGNp dGkuY29tPiwgcGRvYmVrQGdtYWlsLmNvbSwgICAgICAgYmVhdG15YWNlc0B5YWhvby5jb20sIHF2 YmxvZ2dlckBnbWFpbC5jb20NClN1YmplY3Q6IFtxdl0gMDIuMDcuMDg0DQoNCg0KTGFzdCBmcm9t IFRvbSAjODMNCj4NCj4gQ2xpbnQ6IFRoaW5rIG9mIGhvdyB0aGUgcGVvcGxlIHdobyBhY3R1YWxs eSBsaXZlIGhlcmUgZmVlbCENCg0KQXVzdGluIDogW1N1ZGRlbmx5IHJlYWxpc2VzIHdoYXQgaGUg c2FpZCB0byBBbGljZV0gT2gsIG15LCBnb2QhIFtQdXRzICANCmhpcyBoYW5kIHRvIGhpcyBtb3V0 aF0gRGlkIEkgcmVhbGx5IHNheSB0aGF0ISBbVG8gQWxpY2UgZGVlcGx5ICANCmNvbmNlcm5lZF0g V2UgcmVhbGx5IGh2ZSBiZWVuIGhlcmUgdG9vIGxvbmcuIFdlJ2xsIGJlIHN3YXJtaW5nIG5leHQh DQoNCi0tIA0KVGhlIFVuaXZlcnNpdHkgb2YgRWRpbmJ1cmdoIGlzIGEgY2hhcml0YWJsZSBib2R5 LCByZWdpc3RlcmVkIGluDQpTY290bGFuZCwgd2l0aCByZWdpc3RyYXRpb24gbnVtYmVyIFNDMDA1 MzM2Lg0KDQoNCg==

Harvey: Not to worry, niece! I assure you I am in full possession of my faculties!

Clint: [Growing alarmed.] We're in a trailer park. Some of these trailers are starting to look good. And we've just been talking to a chicken. It's too late for us - we're getting senile already! Looking for last minute shopping deals?

Austin : Let's leave quickly before we are trapped forever. Then, if we can leave, we could make a plan to rescue the prole trapped within the shield.

Alice: Yeah, let's get going before y'all get more trailered up.

Chastity: I'm just thinking out loud here, but could we not just inform the swarm about this secret passage?

Junior: We could, but they all seem to get fried by the shield.

Harvey: We must turn that infernal shield off! I'll be damned if I let another chicken get the best of me!

John: Forget the shield! Come and join me brothers! Not you, Junior, you'll get fried by the shield.

Austin : [Anoyed] Can we go now please!

Alice: No one's stopping you, Aus!

[The party move to about halfway between the trailer and the nice looking one, with JUNIOR hanging back.]

Junior: Hey, I wonder why I'm not affected by the swarm. Could it be that I can just walk through the shield too?

Austin : Fine! [Slopes nonchalantly out of the shield]

Harvey: [To John] Are you the clucker in charge of the shield?

John: Yes. Come on over to my cool trailer and I'll explain it all. Make sure you leave the murderer behind you, please.

Harvey: None of us are murderers, chappie--anyway, this troop stays together!

Junior: Gee, thanks, Colonel! [Steps through where the shield should be and is fine]

John: Hey! How did he get through?

Austin : [From the other side of where the shield should be] Come on! Let's go!

[Exit ALL towards the house.]

End of scene. Next one coming right up.

[Book VI, Act II, Scene VIII. The Nice Looking Trailer. ALICE, AUSTIN, CHASTITY, CLINT, DUR, HARVEY and JUNIOR are here, just outside the door. As they approached, they could hear some shouting from JOHN coming from back in the Chicken Trailer, that tailed off as they moved away. Standing nearby, clearly held back by the shield are BOB and the rest of the residents, who came around the back to see what's going on. The party appear to be in full view of them.]

Bob: I don't understand it, where have they gone?

RocJ: Mo-fo's better have not escaped mo-fo park, know what I mean, Mo-fos?

Austin : [Smiling] Excellent! They dont appear to be able to see us. [Sighs in relief]

Dur: Not that they could get past the shield anyway. Either way, are we absolutely sure this trailer is any safer than for us than it was inside that shield?

Alice: The only thing we're absolutely sure if is that there's nothing we're absolutely sure about. Other than Clint being a big stinky pants, of course.

Harvey: [Nods] That's right, dear girl! A soldier's life is not a safe one, troop, but we're all that stands between the civilized world and evil-doing!

Austin : I think I'll be sleeping in the carriage. [Looks around for their carriage]

Clint: Hey! Lawyer, how is napping on the job gonna help those poor losers in there? [Nods sagely.] A soldier's life is not a safe one, but we're the only ones who can let those freaks back into the civilized world! Looking for last minute shopping deals?

Austin : [To Clint] We have not slept in days! [Goes up to the house and knocks on the door] Let's see the the residents know what is going on here.

[A voice calls from within.]

Voice: [Sounding ominous] Enter. [Sounding less ominous] But that Junior has to stay outside.

[There's no sign of the party's carriage, but, as they arrived from the east (the "P" side) it could still be there, just out of sight.]

Chastity: Sounds ominous. [To Clint, motioning to the door] After you.

Clint: [Leads the way in.] That's right - you won't vote for me, but when you need someone to go first into the trailer of doom, who do you turn to? [Shakes his head sadly.]

Alice: [Sighs] You.

Harvey: Private Scar, your particular sort of leadership is ideally suited for door-kicked and such, not making policies to keep the youth of today quiet and under control!

Austin : I know a number of ways to keep the youthful, silent, and under control. [Smirks, smugly]

Clint: I dunno, Harv, a good kick in the pants is what most of these kids need anyway, and who better to give it to them? [Tries the door on the trailer and, if unlocked, marches in.]

[The door is open, and CLINT leads the party in. Sitting here at a desk is NAMBU NBARAGU.]

Nambu : [Smiles] Surprised to see me?

Alice: Surprised? I don't even know who you are!

Nambu Nbaragu

Nambu met the party back in Book V, Act XII, when he and "Mindstorm" took them prisoner. Nambu appeared to have some sort of mind control powers which he used to make the party attack each other. This was stopped by Wilberforce Giles, brother of Monty, a now defeated enemy of the party. Nambu described himself and Mindstorm (also known as Gill) as "Sons of Clementine". Nambu appeared to have a disturbingly incestuous relationship with his mother Frances, who had started smear campaign against Austin

//>Gill Bates


Austin : [To Alice] We met Nambu some time ago. [To Nambu] I presume that it is you who created the 'shield' around the trailer park that prevents the occupants from leaving, and that it is also yourself that is responsible for the 'swarming' activities of the denizens of the trailer park. Is the shield some form of mental illusion?

Dur: [Hand on his chin] As usual I have no recollection of you what-so-ever! Perhaps my memories are being erased.

Nambu: [Laughs and claps happily] Yes! Yes! I knew you'd find me again! [Stays where he is but stretches his arms out] Group hug!

Harvey: [To Nambu] And what, pray tell, is the purpose of this shield of yours? And the swarming? It's downright depressing!

Nambu: [Annoyed] I said, "Group Hug".

Harvey: [Adamant] A soldier only hugs small, dying children and dear wives on special anniversaries!

Nambu: [Annoyed] Don't make me force you! We're all Sons of Clementine. We're either with each other or against each other? [Points at Junior] Except that murdering scum.

Austin : [To Nambu] You want to hug Mr Scar? [Looks suprised]

Alice: [To Austin] Maybe he could just shake hands. Wearing gloves. Big, thick ones.

Austin : [To Nambu] You are braver than I had thought. [Checks his nails briefly, then casually glances around] but where is your mother? I know that she is no great fan of mine, but I expected her to be here, with you.

Nambu: Yes, yes, she is very attractive. [Looks a little dreamy]

[Time passes.]

Nambu: Okay. Now I'm enraged. Don't make me force you to do the hug. Come on! We're all Sons of Clementine!

Austin : [To Nambu] What makes us Sons of Clementine? We have never agreed to be part of, nor joined any group or party associated with the Sons of Clementine.

Chastity: [To Nambu] I can assure you I am not affiliated with any of = the Clementine cults. Never have been, and never will. Now, do we have = any further business to discuss?=20

Austin : [To Nambu] What makes us Sons of Clementine? We have never =20 agreed to be part of, nor joined any group or party associated with =20 the Sons of Clementine.

Nambu: [Angrily] Are you with me or against me?

Austin : [To Nambu] We have no greivances against you, and we are with you [glances around] in the same place. What is the purpose of the allegiance you imply?

Nambu: That's a little weak, isn't it? The forthcoming war, Sleaze, that's what I'm talking about. Sides need to be chosen. Allegiances made. As part of my invincible army you will have a chance to share in the glory of the Age of Nambu!

Austin : [To Nambu] Which of the forthcoming wars are you refering too? The war for the surface, the interior, or the earth in general, or are you refering to the war for the universe, and Athlacca's plans. [Shrugs] or some other war? [To Alice, frowning] It was the demon Athlacca that was planning to take over the universe? Yes?

Dur: Besides that, [Dur pulls a wad of political flyers from his leopard leotard] I don't even see your name on any of the ballots! How are you going to take over the world if no one votes for you?

Alice: [To Austin] Yep, that's the guy!

Nambu: You know what? I'm starting to feel that you people aren't quite on my side. There are a few too many questions being asked. You're worse than my mother, with her "Why won't you wear a condom?"

Harvey: [To Nambu, horrified] Sir, there are ladies present!

Nambu: Okay, you traitorous bastards, I'm going to kill you all!

Away for the day!

Austin : [To Nambu, calmly] You are not much of a people person, are you.

Clint: Hey, that would be a huge mistake! Looking for last minute shopping deals?

Dur: Yeah! Sheesh, no wonder no one is on your side! You're much too sshopping

Nambu: Too much sshopping? Too much? [Angrily] Too much! [Thinks for a moment] Yeah. I guess you're right. I suppose I should just let everyone go and apologise. Hey! Wait a minute! That doesn't make any sense at all! [Stands up, trying to look intimidating] Feel the power of Nambu!

Harvey: [To Alice, scratching a sideburn] Well, I do feel a little itchier. [To Nambu] Is that The Power of Nambu?

Alice: I feel little warmer.

Nambu: [Waving his hands in front of him mysteriously] To control your miiiiiinds.

Alice: Our what?

Nambu: Miiiinds!

Alice: [Shrugs] Sorry. No idea what you're talking about.

Nambu: [Shouting] Minds!

Alice: What's a mond?

Nambu: Mind! Mind!

Alice: [Sniggers to the rest of the party] I totally knew what he was saying, I was just messing with him. [Suddenly slaps Harvey across the face] Gasp! Sorry, Harvey!

Harvey: [Shocked] Niece, are you out of your mond?!

Alice: [Horrified] Holy Crap! I don't know what happened!

Paul is out for the next week.

Chastity: Mond your language! [Suddenly turns and punches Austin in the back of the neck, sending him reeling]

No one's lost any HP yet, but that doesn't mean this didn't hurt!

Austin : Oh no, not again! [Austin moves well away from the rest of the party]

Always wanted to say that :o)

Harvey: [Runs after Austin] Stand still you coward! [Attempts to punch Austin]

[HARVEY lands a fine punch on AUSTIN, knocking him to the ground.]

Austin lose 3hp

Chastity: Here, Colonel! Let me help you! [Tries to kick Austin]

Alice: Hey! [Leaps onto Harvey's back]

Don't forget, the HPs are available from here:

Hit Points

Austin : [Curls up into a defensive position] Stop it! He's controling your minds, idiots!

Alice: I'm trying to protect you, you moron!

Harvey: [To Austin] Don't you insult me, Private! My mind is impervious to suggestion, what! [Continues trying to punch Austin]

[HARVEY punches AUSTIN again, while ALICE draws her sword, still hanging on HARVEY's back.]

Austin lose 2hp

Chastity: [Draws her mace] Right! I think we need to sort a few things out here!

Austin : [Jumps up swiftly and tries a punch at Alice's kidneys] Not you! Them! [Draws his dagger]

[AUSTIN catches ALICE unawares and sends her crashing to the ground.]

Alice: Ow! [Swings at Austin from the ground but misses]

Lose 2hp

Nambu: [Claps his hands together happily] I love this!

Clint: You guys are nuts! [Sucker punches Dur.] Especially you, you freak! Looking for last minute shopping deals?

Kevin's out sick...

Dur: [Falls to his knees] Why? Why! [Fumbles with his dagger]

Alice: [Jams her sword into Harvey's back] I've had enough of you wasters!

Dur lose 2hp, Harvey loses 7hp

Clint: [Kicking Dur while he's down.] This is for sandwiches everywhere!

Austin : [Swiftly tries to stab Nambu] Sandwiches?

Clint: You know, like the one this freak swiped from a guy's jock and ate? Looking for last minute shopping deals?

Harvey: [Lunges for Austin] Stop saying "sandwiches!"

[HARVEY body checks AUSTIN, sending him flying across the room, while CLINT lands a fine kick into DUR's face, only to be smacked in the back of the head by CHASTITY.]

Aus lose 1hp, Dur lose 3hp, Clint lose 7hp

Austin : [Pounces at Alice, cat like and tries to slash her with his dagger]

Clint: [Still beating on Dur, while trying to keep Chastity from beating his brains in.] Hey! What's gotten in to you people! [Gives Dur a particularly good kick.] Haw! Be a better friend, newshound, and

Austin : Nambu is controlling our minds! I have an irresistable urge to kill Alice!

[AUSTIN jabs ALICE in the ribs with his dagger, just as DUR catches CLINT's leg and bites it. Meanwhile, CHASTITY smashes HARVEY over the head with her mace.]

Alice lose 5hp, Clint lose 1hp Harvey lose 4hp

Nambu: [Applauding happily] More! More! More!

Junior: [Steps in front of Nambu] Ahem.

Nambu: Join with the others! Fight! I order you! [JUNIOR punches NAMBU on the nose.]

Nambu: Ow!

[Everyone stops fighting.]

Austin : [Looks shocked. To Alice] Oh my, my. I'm terribly sorry! [Gets an immaculate fresh white handkerchief, by Hugio Smucksosii, and holds it firmly over Alice's wound. Nervously] Are you oaky?

Alice: That's okay, Aus, I know it wasn't you. It was that idiot making you [suddenly pops Austin hard on the nose] Oh! Sorry!

Lose 2hp Austin

[Everyone starts fighting again.]

Nambu: No! [Points at Junior] Him! Fight him! Are you people idiots?

Harvey: Hit him again, Junior! [Attempts to karate chop Austin]

[HARVEY is prevented from hitting AUSTIN by being bashed on the back of the head by CHASTITY, who in turn is rugby tackled from behind by DUR.]

Harvey lose 4hp, Chas lose 1

Junior: [Picks up a sword, but can't seem to hit Nambu] Damn! The safety catch is on! I don't know how to turn it off!

Austin : [Headbutts Alice in the face] Or dear, no!

Dur: Hey! I got an idea! Chastity, stand by Nambu!

Chastity: Great idea, Dur. [Bonks Dur over the head with her mace] Sorry!

Alice: [Reeling from Austin's headbutt] That's okay, Aus. [Stabs Clint]

Dur lose 3hp, Alice lose 3hp, Clint lose 4hp


Dur: [Hoping that Chastity get by Nambu, he pulls back to swing at her with all his might] Duck! [And then he swings]

Harvey: [Attempts to punch Chastity] This is madness, troop!

Chastity: [Ducks to avoid Dur's punch but gets punched in the stomach by Harvey] Oof! [Tries to straighten up, only to be punched in the face by Dur] Phili give me patience!

Junior: Wait a minute! This is a sword! It doesn't have a safety catch!

Nambu: [Alarmed, shouting at the party] Stop him!

Junior: Here goes nothing! [Closes his eyes and stabs the sword right through Nambu's neck, sending him falling to the ground, spurting blood all over the place and with his body spasming around]

[Everyone stops fighting.]

Harvey: [To Junior] Well done, my boy! That bastard had it coming!

Austin : [Looks greatly relieved, but stands well back to avoid any blood spatter. To Junior] Why thank you, it was about time someone put an end to his reign of terror. [Loads his sling shot ready incase Nambu isn't full dead] Perhaps some one could finish him off?

Junior: Uh, I guess I'd better do it. [Takes Alice's sword and hacks Nambu to pieces]

Austin : [To Junior] Well, thank you for saving us. [Glances around] I wonder if that ended the shield? Hmmm [Starts searching the house] Perhaps there might be some useful intelligence around here.

Alice: [Peering out] Yep, looks like they're all heading our way.

[JUNIOR doesn't respond to AUSTIN, and just looks shocked. All the walls are covered in bookshelves, but AUSTIN quickly discovers that they are all fake books, and are glued into place.]

Clint: [Slaps Junior heartily on the back.] Haw! Great job, kid! Now we can talk to those freaks outside in peace!

Junior: Uh, sure.

[Enter BOB, peering in the door, looking a little sheepish.]

Bob: Hi!

Austin : [To Bob] Ahh, good. You know that the shield is down and that you are all free. [Continues searching. To Bob] Well, just as i said, we would free you all if we could. [Stops searching for a moment. To Bob] Enjoying your freedom then?

Bob: Yeah, it's just great. Uh, you know about that threatening to kill you and all? Well, you do know that was on account of the brainwashing, right?

Austin : [Quickly and confidently] Do you mean in the same way that your outragous restaurant bill was on account of the brainwashing?

Bob: Well, I do have to make a living, you know! [Looks around at the blood spattered party] But, uh, you know what, let's write it off!

Clint: Sure, no problem. Seems like an awful lot of trouble for him to go to just to brainwash you guys, doesn't it?

Alice: I know! With such small brains, you'd imagine it would be really easy!

Chastity: But why would he do it?

Austin : I expect that those people that were trapped within the shield were what he considered to be his 'army'. Though how he was able to generate a shield I do not know. I would guess that during the 'swarm' he was brainwashing people into believeing that there was a shield there. [Continues searching for clues] But perhaps we will never know. As usual.

Clint: C'mon, lawyer! Taking over the world with these losers? [Turns to Bob.] Anyway, glad we could help. Speaking of which - whose idea was it to arrange those trailers like you did? Looking for last minute shopping deals?

Austin : [Pauses, mockingly suprised] My goodness, observe Mr Scar's extensive cerebrum ! [Dons a pair of large marigolds and searches what is left of Nambu]

Bob: [Turns and looks at Junior] I guess it was his. He said that it would increase the swarm effectiveness.

[AUSTIN finds absolutely nothing whatsoever on NAMBU.]

Chastity: [Also searching the trailer] Isn't it rather odd that there's no food or provisions here? There's absolutely nothing. Whatsover.

All: There's absolutely nothing.

Chastity: What?

Alice: Sorry, I thought you said "There's absolutely nothing, altogether."

Austin : She said 'Whatsoever', [turns slowly to Junior] You are not even vaguely as stupid as you pretend to be, are you. Who are you really?

Junior: It's not so much pretending as not reigning it in, you know? I told you the truth, my name is Junior Junior. I'm from [points wildly in the air trying to get his bearings] west-a-long.

Bob: He's on the lamb!

Clint: [Slowly.] So you're saying he's from New Xealand? Looking for last minute shopping deals?

Bob: [Roars with laughter, clearly putting it on] Oh! That' funny! You're a funny guy! [Wipes a tear of laughter from his cheek with his apron] Wonderful!

Austin : [To Clint] No you buffoon! He just made up a name because he does not want to admit where he is really from. [Rolls his eyes, and tuts]

Junior: No, it's my real name, alright. I just wanted to keep a low profile, you know, what with that whole murdering my wife and kids thing.

Harvey: [To Junior, alarmed] The whole WHAT thing?!

Bob: Murdering his wife and kids thing!

Junior: It wasn't me, but when I told people who it was, they wouldn't believe me!

Harvey: Who was it, then?!

Junior: [Wretchedly] Pestilence Sotot.

The party last saw Pestilence disappear into a bottomless pit way back in 3.12. This was two and a half years ago in game time. The appearance he made at the end of Book V was for dramatic purposes only, and the party didn't witness that.

Harvey: [Disturbed] When was this?

Junior: About a month ago.

Harvey: [To Junior, scratching a sideburn] Well, he is a slippery bastard, all right, so--[Suddenly distracted by Austin fiddling with the bookshelves] What the devil are those false books about, Private?! [Attempts to pull down a fake row of books]

[HARVEY pulls the whole set of shelves over, causing everyone to jump back. Behind the wall, set into it, so that there are bumps visible, is the same pattern that the party saw in the sacrifices in the previous act. Everyone crowds around it to get a good look.]

The Pattern

Alice: Oh dear.

End of Book VI, Act II. Next one starts TOMORROW AFTERNOON....