The Queens View Affair - Book VI, Act I

[Book VI, Act I, Scene I. Harvey's house. ALICE and JASMINE are here, walking towards the sitting room. JASMINE opens the door to reveal HARVEY JR., LILY and ROSE, who is dressed up as a rat.]

Jasmine : [To Harvey] Hey! GI! Some woman - you keep paws off! [To Alice] He mine!

Alice : [Sighs] I've told you a hundred times, Jasmine, I'm his -

[Bang. JASMINE slams the door and storms off.]

Alice : Uncle Harvey! And uh, kids.

Junior : [Runs up to Alice] Boot! [Kicks her in the shin and bursts out laughing]

Alice : Ow!

Harvey Jr.



[Enter Austin and JASMINE.]

Jasmine : [To Harvey] Hey! GI! More people!

[Exit JASMINE, slamming the door.]

Austin : Ah, Colonel, good to see you. A pitty it has to be such dark movitation that brings us together.

Junior : Boot! [Kicks Austin in the shin]

Austin : [Sprays Junior in the eyes with chillipepper spray] Don't do that please.

Junior : [Easily dodging the spray] Hahaha! Hahaha! Hahaha! [Walks into a table] Ow! [Composes himself] Hahaha! Hahaha! Hahaha!

Harvey: [To Austin, roaring] Private, I'll kindly thank you not to blind my son! [To Junior, taking him by the shoulders] Now, lad, remember what a soldier does when he's injured in combat?

Junior : [Thinks for a moment, and then starts trying to squeeze out a tear] Get a chocolate biscuit from the biscuit box?

Alice : [Sighs, leaning back against a wall, folding her arms] Hi Harvey, hello niece. Austin, how are you? Great to see you Alice. [To Harvey and Austin] Can we just spend five minutes together without someone trying to blind someone else?

Harvey: [To Junior, hurriedly] Yes, yes, quite right! Off you go, lad! [To Alice] Hello, dearest niece! Do have a seat by Lily. She has been all talk of her auntie, [to Lily, cooing] haven't you Prettiest Pretty Princess? [Picks up Rose, displaying her proudly] And here's our sweet Rosebud, who was just off to a nap!

Lily : Hi Auntie Alice! Who's your handsome friend?

Alice : Hi Lily, how are you? [To Rose] And you? How's my little bunny?

Rose : I'm a rat!

Austin : [Goes over to Alice and gives her a hug and a kiss on the cheek] Good to see you again. [To Lilly] Hello [Bows] Please to meet you miss. [To Rose] And a most excellent rat you are. And what might a fine rat like yourself be doing today?

Lily : And very pleased to meet you sir. Is there anything I can get for you?

Rose : Eating my own excrement.

Austin : [To Lily] Not at the moment thank you. [To Rose, a little suprised] You have a formidable vocabulary for a two year old rat. Quite an achievement, but where did you learn so much about rats?

Rose : I'm a rat! [Gets down on her hands and knees and crawls away]

[Enter Chastity and JASMINE.]

Jasmine : [To Harvey] Hey! GI! More people!

[Exit JASMINE, slamming the door.]

Chastity : Colonel, I'm so sorry I'm late, but the Hamstrain was running late again.

Junior : Boot! [Kicks Chastity in the shin]

Chastity : [Goes bright red, clearly in pain. Mutters to Alice] Must take after the mother, that one.

Harvey: [To Chastity, beaming] He is the picture of his mother, isn't he? Good to see you again, Sister! [To Junior] Now, run along and have your chocolate biscuit like a good soldier. [Picks up Rose, laughing nervously] She doesn't really eat her own, er, business, of course!

[Enter DUR and JASMINE.]

Jasmine: [To Harvey] Hey! GI! More people!

[Exit JASMINE, slamming the door.]

Dur: Ah! My friends! Together again after long last.

Junior: Boot! [Kicks Dur in the shin]

Dur: Dear me! I haven't been greeted so warmly since my release from the hospital in Minus Thrift! I must say colonel, the resemblance is frightening! [Mumbling to himself] Frightening in the respect that there is no resemblance...

Alice : [To the party, talking about Lily] This one does - she's pure evil.

Lily : [Smiling brightly at the party] Welcome to our humble home, all you lovely people. We've heard ever so much about you.

[Enter Clint and JASMINE.]

Jasmine: [To Harvey] Hey! GI! More people!

[Exit JASMINE, slamming the door.]

Clint: [Warmly.] Harv, Bimbo, Chas, Dur! [Less warmly.] Sleaze. Looks like the gang's all here!

Junior: Boot! [Kicks Clint in the shin]

Clint: Why you.... [Waggles his door-kicking foot meaningfully.] Bigger boot!

Junior : [Sticks his tongue out at Clint]

Alice : Stinky! I saw you on TV the other night! [Acts out a punch] Pretty cool! What do you win for knocking that guy out?

Harvey: [Beaming] Welcome to our home, Private Scar! [To Junior, jovially] Boy, I told you to go and have your biscuit like a good soldier. Run along, now! [To Lily, cooing] Princess, say goodbye to Daddy's friends and take little Rosie to visit your mother. There's a good girl.

Clint: [Proudly.] Yeah, that was great! They even, uh, let me out of the basement to visit my friends!

Lily : Certainly, Daddy, I would be more than happy to accommodate you. Come, siblings, let us go.

[HARVEY JUNIOR gives the party a wave, while ROSE is lead out.]

Alice : Right, I think we all have something serious to discuss, don't you? In fact - [is suddenly distracted] Oh! It's 9PM! My new ad is on!

[Turns on the TV, and the party are treated to a bunch of people dressed as anuses singing the Haemorrhoid song.]

Anuses : Haemorrhoids, haemorrhoids, we all have got some haemmorrhoids!

Alice : [Singing along, and stopping for a moment] My bit is coming up soon - I'm kind of like a super hero in it.

[Enter TVALICE on the screen, dressed in what appears to be a costume that's supposed to be a spray can, and has "Haemorrhoids Be Gone" on the side.]

Tvalice : I hate haemorrhoids!


Chastity : [Squirms uncomfortably and asks Alice] Do you know if that particular brand works? A, erm, friend of mine has been struck with a nasty bout of that painful predicament.

Austin : [To Alice] I hope they pay you well for your talents. [Pauses, then turns to the others] Anyone else been having bad dreams lately?


Dur: [Watching the commercial bewildered] Well don't we all! Unfortunately I think our purpose here is far greater than enflamed haemorrhoids.

Clint: [To Austin.] You too, huh?


Harvey: Yes, I've had them, as well. [Quickly] The dreams, not the, er, other things. What do you make of them, troop?

Austin : [To Clint] Yes, Mr Scar, I have been having the same bad dream for some time now. [Sighs] it generally involves me being sacrifced by having my brains removed whilst I am still alive. [Ponders] And there is always the same strange symbol on the wall, but I can never remember it when I wake up!


Clint: I dunno, Harv. Something's up, but what? [Shrugs.] I asked around Kurth, but other than one random mysterious disappearance, nothing like that's going on there. Still...

Alice : That's how it is for me too - it's like that symbol has something to do with the sacrifice. One time there was cheese there. I checked out the Reach, and although there have been some disappearances there, if there are any secret sacrifices going on, no one knows about them.

Harvey: [Concerned] There was a disappearance here, as well. [To the rest of the party] Has anyone else heard of disappearances?

Austin : [To Alice] Someone dissapeared in Fire's End too, but there was no trace, or any evidence of ritual sacrifice. [Frowns] I had a few dreams leading up to the persistent one, in which several other people were sacrificed before me. Was it similar for you?

Chastity: I've been having the same dreams. About two weeks ago the dream changed and I was the one being sacrificed. It's been the same dream night after night. I wonder what it could all mean, Colonel.

Alice : [Gives a shiver] Actually, it's almost the same.

Clint: [A little spooked.] Exactly the same, even, except that they're not sacrificing YOU in my dream.

Dur: I have been having the same dreams too. In Minus Thrift, there had only been one dissapearance as well.... one that had nothing to do with me that is!

Austin : [Looks at Dur, perplexed, is about to ask Dur why anyone would think it did have something to do with him] Wh ... [Realises] Ohh. So, same for everyone. [Ponders] One thing seems to be certain, it is connected with the Path, but perhaps not with the 'from within it consumes'? [Glances out of the window] Athlacca perhaps? We never did find out what he was up to.

[The window that AUSTIN is looking out of suddenly shatters, sending everyone diving for cover.]

Austin : [Peeking back out from beside the window] WHat the hell was that? [Peeks out of the window to see who it was, then looks to see what they threw]

meetings until lunch

Harvey: [Goes to the window] Private Sleaze, are you hurt?! [Looks out the window, shaking his fist] Face me like a man, hooligan!

Alice : [Down on her hands and knees] I think someone broke the window!

[An arrow is fired at HARVEY, landing right in his hat.]

Alice : [Looking over at where the hat is hanging up] Phew! Lucky you weren't wearing that hat, Harvey!

No one is armed, of course

Harvey: [Ducks] Gah, that hat was a gift from the boys in the Fighting 111th! [Awkwardly digs his hands into his pockets and comes up with a set of keys] Follow me, troop! We're near the weapon cabinet [crawls toward a cabinet in the room].

[More arrows zing around the room, knocking over gaudy looking vases and photographs.]

Alice : Quickly!

Harvey: [Crawling and covering his head] I'm going as fast as I can, niece! A soldier doesn't usually get down on all fours, what!

Alice : [Aside] That's not what I heard! [Loudly again] Come on, Harv, this is an emerg - oh look, my ad is on again!

Dur: Quickly Colonel, before we are trapped watching dancing assholes again!

Harvey: [Huffily, scrambling for the cabinet] I'm moving as fast as I can, Private!

Dur: What's the meaning of this anyway? Are the people here angry at you Harv?

Harvey: Don't be ridiculous! We are beloved citizens of this town.

Dur: [Tries to duck lower as another arrow whizzes by his head] Well someone surely doesn't like you!

Chastity: [Shouting to the attackers] Cease fire! There are women and children in here. Who are you and want do you want?

Alice : Oh come on, Dur, it's not like this happens every day! Maybe it's that someone doesn't like you!

Dur: [Looks insulted] However likely that may be it's also completely preposterous!

Alice : Oh really? What about the hundreds of relatives of your patients??

Harvey: [Still crawling for the cabinet] Ow! I got a splinter in my knee, blast it all!

Clint: [Crawling after Harv, he looks around for a table to use as a shield.] Remind me to have shutters put on all my windows so that this sort of thing doesn't happen again!

Alice : [Shouting] Hey! [Stands up] Hey! You out there - we've got a man with a splinter in his knee, can you back off a second?

Voice : [Muffled, clearly coming from outside] Okay.

[The shooting stops.]

Alice : [Bends down and takes out the splinter] Got it! [Dozens of arrows ricochet around the room as the shooting resumes.]

Clint: [Annoyed.] What's the matter with you people anyway?! Stop firing or I'll breathe on you!

Austin : Colonel, do you have a sling shot in your weapons cabinet?

Alice : What the hell do these people want from us? Harvey, how are those weapons coming?

Away for 40 mins

Alice : [Watching Harvey fumble with the keys] Yeesh! If we just made the weapons we'd be faster!

Dur: But I'm a doctor not a blacksmith!

Clint: From what I hear, you're a butcher, not a doctor!

Harvey: [Reaches the cabinet and opens it] Hurrah! [Quickly hands out a spear with feathers and golden tassels on one end, a crossbow, a battle axe, a stiletto with a lovely ivory handle, brass knuckles, and takes a sword himself] Take what you like and hurry, troop! [Heads for the front door]

Alice : Thanks, Harvey! [Helps herself to some gold ornaments] I always liked these.

[Some figures appear at the window, wearing balaclavas, and heavily armed. HARVEY easily gets to the door out of the room (and into the hallway) and almost collides with JASMINE.]

Jasmine : Hey, GI! What all noise about?

Clint: [Looks around at the group, shrugs, and slips on the brass knuckles.] Hustle it up, guys! [Moves between the party and the window.]

Dur: [Grabbing the Stiletto and following] I'll have you know Mr. Scar that the rumors have been slightly exaggerated!

Austin : [Grabs a sling and a bag of shot, and carefully puts a nice dagger into his jacket. Readies his sling] Lets go!

Harvey: [To Jasmine] Dear wife, please take the children and lock them in the library. We are under attack!

Dur: Locking children in a library? Sounds horrid! Think of all the nice warm paper they could destroy in there!

Jasmine : They take Harvey! He gone!

Alice : [Throws a fancy vase at one of the balaclavans, hitting him right on the eye] Whoo! Got him!

Balaclavan : Ow!

Clint: Kidnapping, is it? You losers are in for a world of hurt! [Reaches down for the axe and then charges towards the balaclavans.]

[CLINT swings and hits the BALACLAVAN that ALICE had previously struck, catching him on the arm and drawing blood.]

Balaclavan : [Punching Clint in return, catching him off balance and knocking him down] Retreat! Retreat! They've got weapons! [Notices that he's the only one who came in] Hey!

Austin : [Shoots the Balaclavan] Show yourself, coward!

Balaclavan : I'm not a coward! [Jumps out the window and starts running]

Austin : [Continues to shoot at the Balaclavan] Then stop running and fight!

Harvey: After him, troop! [pursues the Balaclavan]

[The party leap out the (ground floor) window after him, only to see him leap onto the back of a carriage which zooms off into the night.]

Austin : [Keeps firing shots at the carriage until it is out of range] Who on earth was that? [Checks his hair in his pocket mirror] Seesh! Some people!

Harvey: [Roaring] Who's got a carriage?! Let's go after these thugs!

Alice : Quickly! Mine is just over here! [Points at a carriage with "Mrs. Cubbisons Old Style Haemmhorroid Cream" written on the side]

Harvey: Come on, troop! To the Haemmhorroidmobile!

[The party all load into the Haemmhorroidmobile and speed off in the direction taken by the balaclavans.]

End of scene, next one coming up

[Book VI, Act I, Scene II. The Haemmhorroidmobile. ALICE, AUSTIN, CHASTITY, CLINT, DUR and HARVEY are here. The party has been driving around Queens View for about ten minutes, and have just spotted what appears to be the other carriage down an alleyway. ALICE pulls up behind it, blocking its exit.]

Alice : Let's go! [Opens her door and hits the wall, discovering that she's too close to that side of the alley] Let's get out the other door!

Harvey: [Opens the other door and squeezes out with difficulty] Ooof! The wife's cooking has finally put some meat on my bones, what! [Heads toward the other carriage, sword ready]

Dur: Shame none of us were able to try your wife's cooking Colonel [Dur says grumpily thinking about a missed meal].


Chastity: [Struggles to clamber out of the vehicle]. [To Dur] Don't you think we've got more important things on our mind than your stomach? [Grabs as many bottles of Haemmhorroid cream from the van and shoves them in her purse] Careful everyone, I smell a rat.

Dur: [Thinks a moment] Not off the top of my head no. And I hardly think it very sisterly for you to talk about Mr. Scar like that.

Austin : It is an alley, alleys often have rats in them. [Glances around and grimaces at the Haemeroidmobile]

Alice : [To Dur] How about the fact that Harvey's son is missing?

Harvey: [Stoically] That boy's a born fighter, don't you worry about him! He'll be back kicking shins in no time!

Alice : Okay, let's see if we can sneak in quietly.

[Enter ANNERAY LANGER, a woman in her early twenties who's dressed in the most awful looking clothing. She is clearly overjoyed at seeing AUSTIN.]

Anneray : Oh my God! Austin! It's you!

Austin : [Frowns as he looks over Anneray] Oh dear. Another victim of my former business partners.

Anneray : Oh my God! Oh my God! Can I show you some sketches? [Takes out a huge portfolio case]

Away for 30 mins

Dur: Sketches? What exactly is going on here?

Austin : [To Anneray] Perhaps you could first help us, it is rather urgent. My colleague's [Gestures to Harvey] son has been kidnapped by a group of people wearing Balaclavas. He is about so high [indicates Harvey Jnrs height] and kick people alot. Have you seen anything suspicious?

Harvey: Please, Miss, if you cannot assist us in finding my boy kindly let us be on our way!

Anneray : [Annoyed] In a minute. [Takes out a drawing and speaks to Austin] Suspicious? You mean, like how suspiciously good these drawings are?

Really gone this time!

Harvey: [Bellowing] Out of our way, you soulless harpy! My son's life is in danger!

Anneray : Who cares about one little brat when there's fashion involved, right, Austin?

Clint: Nah. It's the kidnappers who're in danger - that kid's a menace! But still, out of the way, woman! [Steps forward and tries to move past Anneray.]

menace! >But still, out of the way, woman! [Steps forward and tries to move past >Anneray.]

Dur: Pardon us dear woman, but to some of us human life is more important than fashion!

Anneray : [Looking Dur up and down, her ridiculous amount of beads making a very irritating rattling sound as she does] I should say that's rather obvious.

[CLINT easily pushes past ANNERAY, and stops, looking in a window where HARVEY JUNIOR is tied to a chair and two figures in balaclavas (neither of which is the one who came in to HARVEY's house) are questioning him. This will be referred to as BALACLAVA and BALACLAVB.]

Balaclava : [Limping as he walks around the room, before suddenly turning and addressing Junior] Look, we know you're Harvey Kingston Short - tell us about Clementine!

Clint: [Gives Harvey a thumb's up, then gestures urgently for the party to join him.]

Harvey: [Hurries to join Clint] Well done, Private!

Balaclavb : Come on, Harvey, don't make us hurt you!

Clint: [Whispering to Harvey.] These scumbags were asking the kid about Clementine. And they might have been meant to grab you instead. Let's get 'em! [Flexes his door-kicking foot and waits for the word.]

Austin : [Momentarily distracted by Anneray. Anoyed, to Anneray] You have completely missed the implied philosophy! Whilst there is no point in living if you are not beautiful, you cannot be beautiful if you are dead! [Frowns] Life and beauty are like Ying and Yang, night and day! You cannot have one without the other, so let us try to save Harvey Junior! [Tries to get into the house]

awa hame

Harvey: [To Clint] Stay back here with the troop. I'll try to talk to them alone first! [Waits for the party to hide and then approaches the kidnappers]

[Everyone else hides behind a conveniently placed sheet of glass while HARVEY approaches.]

Anneray : Hey! That's a stupid place to hide!

Alice : Oh for God's sake! It wouldn't be funny if we hid behind something else, would it?

Anneray : But this isn't funny, it's just stupid. You're pretending to hide, but you're just fakers!

Balacava : [Hears the commotion and goes to the window] Hey! You two - get the hell away from here!

Chastity: [To Harvey] Colonel, wait! Don't you think they will be more willing to listen to a renowned lady of the cloth? I think I should talk to them. You, poor dear, are too emotionally charged. [Puts one arm on Harvey's shoulder in an attempt to console him]

Dur: Should we wait to see what kind of information they get out of him?

Alice : [To Dur] Well, if he starts by saying that you're an idiot, we'll know he's truthin'.

Balaclava : I said, get the hell away!

Forgot the links:




Harvey: [Sword out] I must assuredly will not! Release that child immediately. I am Harvey Kingston Short, and he is my son and namesake!

Balaclavab : [Looks up] You're Harvey Kingston Short? [Exchanges glances with Balaclava] Let's get the hell out of here!

Anneray : You're [emphasis] both Harvey Kingston Short? That's just stupid!

Austin : [To Anneray] Where ignorance is bliss ...

Harvey: [Attempts to release Harvey Jr.] What is your business with me, hooligans?!

[The two BALACLAVANS run to an internal door.]

Alice : Let's get them!

[The BALACLAVANS rush out the door, both limping slightly, pursued by the others.]

Junior : Hey GI! Thanks for saving me - get those bad guys!

Harvey: [Hugs his son] Hop on my back, boy! [To the party] After them, troop! [Pursues the Balas]

Junior : [Kickin' and a-whippin'] Yeeeha!

[BALACLAVB turns at the front door and faces the party with his sword drawn.]

Balaclavb : [To Balaclava] Get the carriage, we need to get to the others, I'll hold these losers!

Chastity: [Takes a pearl necklace out of her purse, cuts the string, and = then throws the pearls towards the feet of the Balaclavas] Let's see how = they fight while struggling to stay on their feet.

Junior : [Kickin' and a-whippin'] Yeeeha!

[BALACLAVB turns at the front door and faces the party with his sword drawn.]

Balaclavb : [To Balaclava] Get the carriage, we need to get to the others, I'll hold these losers!

Balaclavb : You think we're idiots? [A stray pearl hits him in the eye and he staggers back, only to be run over by Balaclava arriving in a carriage at that very moment]

Anneray : [Who has come all the way around to the front of the house, and who is a little out of breath] Now, see? That's just stupid!

Austin : [Shoots at the nearest Balaclav. To Anneray] Perhaps you shoould come with us, I'm rather busy right now, but may have a chance to look over your [Pauses] designs, later.

Harvey: [To the Balas, rushing to the carriage] You're not going anywhere, kidnappers!

Dur: I'm sure that's not ALL he wants to look over! Zing!

[Somewhere, someone does a drum roll for DUR, finishing with a crash.]

Alice : [Fires an arrow at the carriage, barely missing] Gah!

[The carriage drives off into the night, leaving HARVEY in its tracks, panting heavily.]

Dur: [Seemingly excited] Looks like we got another mystery gang! This will be just like the plays I used to watch of my favorite roving child-actors guild the Dooby Scoobs and Friends Mystery Hour!

Alice : Nah, I much preferred Scoby Don't and the Don't Do That Gang. They were much cooler. [Puts on her best Scoby Don't Voice] Ron't Roo Rat! [Back to normal] Let's see what this guy has to say.

[He has nothing to say. He's dead.]

Away for 30 mins

Harvey: [To Harvey Jr.] Er, he's only sleeping, Junior, don't worry! [To the party] I'd better get my boy home and let my wife know what's happened.

Junior : [Gives the boddy a boot in the shin] Boot!

Anneray : Being dead is stupid!

[The party can hear some sirens approaching.]

Alice : They're coming for you, Dur!

Austin : [Getting into the carriage] Let's get moving!

Dur: [Looks around nervously as the sirens wail and jumps into the carriage] If they ask, my name is Manuel Awesome!

Alice : Why are we running, Aus? We'll never catch the others now as our carriage is around the back. It's not like we've done anything wrong - well, with the exception of Miguel here. [Gestures to Manuel, aka Dur]

Austin : [From the carriage round the back] Because!

Harvey: Exactly right, niece! We have no reason to hide, and every reason to report those villains to the police. I can't have my wife and children living in fear, what!

[The party ignore AUSTIN's wishes and a police carriage pulls up. Enter IMIMI LE PHON, a police officer of undetermined gender, who is made up like a mime.]

Imimi : [Steps out of the carriage and gives the party an extravagant wave]

//>Imimi Le Phon

Harvey: Good evening, officer! I wish to report a crime!

[IMIMI puts on an exaggerated shocked face, before putting his hand to his ear in a listening motion.]

Clint: [Under his breath.] That makeup is a crime!

Austin : [To Dur, comming back from the carriage] That's not a clown, that's a mime, heathen.

Dur: [Sinks even lower] That's worse!

Imimi : [Spots the body and does another theatrically shocked look, before checking the pulse]

Clint: [Does a theatrically annoyed look and mimes leaving the scene.] How about it, Harv?

Imimi : [Wags a finger at Clint, before miming sitting down, and keeping that position]

Harvey: [Unimpressed] Yes, let's be on our way. This appears to be [mimes throwing something down and points to his watch]. To the carriage, troop!

Clint: Now you're talking, Harv! [To Imimi.] Too bad we can't say the same about you!

[IMIMI's phone rings, and he answers it, holding a hand up to the party to wait.]

Imimi : [To the phone] I thought I told you not to ring me here! I'm in the middle of something, I - [the party can hear someone talking angrily on the phone] Look! I told you! Four squares per movement, three movements per day. If you need more you can buy them yourself!

Austin : [Sighs, and walks back to the carriage] Once more unto the breach, dear friends.

Austin : [Impressed] How did he know he was going to be here? [Shrugs]

Alice : Unless [dramatically points at Imimi] He is the murderer!

Away until lunch time

Anneray : That's just stupid!

Harvey: [To Anneray] Do be quiet! This is none of your concern. I've had quite enough of this. Let's get my boy back home and tackle these hooligans!

Austin : Great [Gets back into the carriage. Sighs] Lets get going.

Dur: [Climbs clumsily back into the carriage] Do we have to "tackle" them? Can't we just do something that requires less physical work than that?

Clint: Where would the fun in *that* be?

Alice : [To Dur] Maybe we could let you treat them as patients - that's bound to kill 'em off!

[The party soon arrive at HARVEY's house, where JASMINE and a bunch of people are standing around. About half of them are women in dressing gowns.]

Jasmine : [Spots Harvey Junior] Harvey! [Hugs him, before turning to Harvey] Hey GI! What gives?

Harvey : [To Jasmine, patting her head lovingly] Don't you worry your pretty little head about it, my pet! There were some hooligans pulling a prank, but we sorted them out. [As if struck by sudden inspiration] Say, dearest, how about we send you and the children off to visit your family for a spell??

Jasmine : Hoi-oi! [Starts speaking quickly and angrily in some sort of Chinese like language before stepping in through the door only to reappear immediately, now dressed, carrying luggage and with the three children all dressed. To Alice] I take your carriage!

Dur: Oh great, the hemorrhoid-mobile?! Now how are we going to get around?

Harvey: [To Austin] Private, don't you have some kind of carriage?

Alice : It's okay, Dur. I have the keys.

[JASMINE gives HARVEY a quick peck on the cheek and leaps into the carriage, which she starts and drives off.]

Alice : Hey! Wait a minute! These aren't even my keys!

Austin : Yes, [Pauses] yes, I have a carriage. [Looks around] I'll just go and get it. [Goes off to get his carriage]

Chastity: While we wait for Austin, why don't I make us a spot of lunch. [Goes to the kitchen to make cucumber sandwiches] Come along Alice, I'll show you how to cut the crust off.

Clint: Hey, wait, are we going somewhere? Shouldn't we have a plan first?

Harvey: [To Clint, astounded] Surely you must see that this vandalism, kidnapping and hooliganery is related to our dreams, Private! The plan is to track and capture these rogues and bring them in for [cracks his knuckles ominously] questioning!

Clint: Hey, I'm all for kicking ass and taking names, but, uh, where?

Am genuinely confused on this one, honest! I could perhaps just have missed something - I can't seem to get to the scripts from work - but..

Austin : [Screeches to a halt beside the party, in his black Lamborari carriage with several large suitcases attached to the roof] Okay, let's go! [To Clint] Where ever some Clemetine cult hangs out!

Dur: [Torn between the carriage and the promise of cucumber sandwiches, he hesitates] Do you even know where such a place is?

Austin : [Tosses Dur a yellow pages that looks as if it has been recently liberated from a phone box] You can look them all up in here! [Looks at Dur hesitating] I'm sure we can wait for the girls.

Alice : [Coming back out of the kitchen with some cucumbers that have their crusts cut off] Wow - nice carriage Aus, where did you get that? [To the party] I know we want to try and figure out who these kidnappers are, but surely we should talk about it before running around the town in a flashy carriage?

Harvey: My home was invaded and brutalized, my precious child stolen from his own crib, and my delicate, sweet wife has had to flee for her life! This is a time for action, dear girl!

Alice : [Temptingly] We've got cucumbers! [Holds up a mess of chopped up cucumbers]

Harvey: [Stomach rumbles loudly] Well, a quick snack would probably help us in our search, at that!

Austin : [Admiring his carriage briefly. To Alice] Thanks, but the colonel is right, we should get moving before the trail goes cold! [Glances around the immediate area] And besides, this carriage is a rental, [Glances around again] And it's not cheap!

Alice : Okay, but where are we going to go? And remember, there's a huge crowd in town for that big Sock Her match.

Sock Her - Popular new team sport that's sweeping the nation.

Austin : [To Alice] Sock Her? Is that about cat fights or darning? [Revs the horses] Well we will just have to go around the bypass.

Alice : Oh, you know what it is, Aussie. [Dramatic voice] Two teams of seven men. Fourteen giant socks. Three scantily dressed bimbos. [Squeezes into the carriage] Wow, this is, uh, cosy. [Picks up an envelope] Hey, who's Agnum Pi?

Harvey: Dreadful game! [To Austin, chomping on a handful of cucumbers] Didn't I hear that your company makes the outfits for the young ladies in the game? Those colorful sparkly numbers cut up to here [points to his hip] and down to here [points to his navel]?


Austin : [To Harvey] It is not my company any more, colonel. [Looks at the envelope that Alice has] Oh, it must have been left by the previous rental customer.

Alice : [Flicking through some more papers] Looks like he left a bunch of stuff here, Aus.

[Another police carriage approaches.]

Chastity: Look! Here come the police. Maybe they will be able to help us ascertain the culprits. [Waves to the approaching carriage]

Harvey: For Phili's sake, it had better not be that quiet fellow again!!

[The carriage pulls up beside the party. Enter FLETCHER MACKAY, an angry looking policeman.]

Fletcher : Unbelievable! Unbelievable!

Flechter Mackay

Dur: Calm down man. I know we're all famous, but we are just ordinary people like you!

Flechter : There has been a crime committed here, my lad, a [ominously] crime! Inspector Flechter Mackay, Queens View Special Crime Bureau.

Alice : [From inside the carriage] Look, Fletcher -

Flechter : [Looks in] Flechter.

Alice : What?

Flechter : That's my name. Flechter Mackay. Inspector Flechter Mackay, Queens View Special Crime Bureau.

Alice : Isn't that what I said?

Flechter : Right! You're all under arrest!

Dur: That hardly seems like acceptable police work! What are we arrested for?

Harvey: There must be some mistake, officer! We're just a group of old friends eating cucumbers!

Flechter : What have you done? [Spots Harvey] Ah! Colonel! Good to see you - I hear your wife is out of town. All the lads in the station were very disappointed to hear. [Takes out a notebook] Now, Colonel Harvey Kingston-Short III, what is your full name?

Chastity: [Offers Fletcher a cucumber sandwich] Inspector, we are not the criminals you seek.

Flechter : [Shocked] Bribery, is it? Outrageous! Outrageous! The charges just keep mounting up. [Takes the sandwich] You're going to do cold, hard time for this one, my girl. [Bites the sandwich] Mm, very nice sandwich, by the way. [Back to his outraged behaviour] What's your name?

Harvey: Sir, I am Colonel Harvey Kingston Short III, distinguished war veteran and respected citizen of this town. Please inform me of these alleged charges so that I may seek my lawyer's advice in suing the stuffing out of you!

Dur: [Watches in horror as Flechter eat the sandwich] My sandwich! You killed it! Perhaps YOU are the true criminal here, sir!

Chastity: How dare you! My name is Sister Chastity Browne. I am a loyal servant of Phili. Perhaps you have heard about my convent in Cachexia and all the great work I do? If so, you could hardly jump to the conclusion that I have committed any kind of crime. [Grabs the plate from Fletcher] No more sandwiches for you until I get a full apology.

Austin : [Watching Flechter eating the ssandwhich] Hmm, stealing food from a world famous nun, [smirks] that's going to look great on your record.

Flechter : [Dismayed at losing the plate] Alleged charges? Carriage theft, my good man, carriage theft!

Chastity: [Turns to Austin] You told the party that this [motions to the carriage] was a rental. Please explain.

Alice : [Wearing a Lamborari jacket with an "AP" monogram on it] Oh please! Where's the proof!

Harvey: This lawyer is no thief! Well, not anymore.

Flechter : Mr. Agnum Pi would beg to differ! He is one of the stars of the Hallbridges Healers Sock Her team that's here for tomorrow's match.

Dur: It's a frame up! Perhaps by all those Clementine cults! [Thinks] And that would make you.... [Addressing Flechter] Old Mr. Higgins trying to scare us off the trail! [Attempts to pull what he thinks is a mask off of Flechter]

Flechter : Mr. Who? [Is grabbed by Dur] Aiiee! Help! Help! [Pushes Dur away] You're only making things worse for yourself, you know. Now, let's see, the sentence for stealing a carriage is death. Assaulting a police officer, that's a fine of 10GP.

Harvey: Sir, these accusations are offensive. These good people are my fighting troop, and they have been helping me recover my son, who was kidnapped not an hour ago. Now, if you could kindly turn your attention to finding the bastards who vandalized my home and took my boy, I would be most appreciative!

Flechter : Sir, that carriage is stolen, and unless it was taken to prevent a kidnapping you are all under arrests.

Dur: Well we are using it to go after the people who kidnapped Harv's son.... which COULD have prevented FUTURE kidnappings.... Does that count?

Clint: Ten gold for assaulting a police officer, huh? How much you got on you, Sleaze?

Ugh, talk about a bad morning to sleep in!

Austin : [To Fletcher] Well it look exactly like the one I rented, and yes, we are currently in persute of the kidnappers. So I guess there was no theft, just a simple case of mistaken identity, and if we don't hurry we will never find the kidnappers.

Clint: [Hunts around for a rental agreement.] Besides, who the hell would want to steal a carriage like this?!

Flechter : [Holds his hand out] Show me the rental agreement.

Austin : [Hunts around for a rental or HP agreement] Hmm, now where did I put it? [Searches] Of course if I have the wrong carriage then it is in the other carriage, which would be rather embarrasing! [Searches, then produces a vast wad of documentation] Ahh! There we go [Hands it over to Fletcher]

Flechter : [Face sags when he sees all the documentation] Well, of course, the carriage will need to be impounded until we sort this out.

Austin : [Looks utterly forlorn] Impounded [Looks very unhappy] I shall have to go and rent another. [Sighs. Jumps down from the carriage] I think I need to lie down for a while, this has been a rather traumatic day, what with the kidnapping and an impounding.

Alice : Hm, it could be difficult to find somewhere to stay, there are a lot of people in down for the Sock Her match.

Austin : [To Alice] Surely we could stay with the colonel? [Looks thoughtful] Perhaps we should rent another carriage and go and fine the kidnappers?

Harvey: Everyone will stay here, of course! Plenty of room for everyone.

Away the next few hours!

Austin : Excellent [Pops into the house]

Alice : Cool! [Looks to the side of the house] Wow, that's a pretty big extension, Harv, I guess you get a lot of house guests since Jasmine moved here.

[Everyone else heads in.]

Harvey : Ah, she's a popular gal! Now, Private Sleaze, if by rent you mean steal then [loudly] no! A thousand times no! I'm as enraged as the next man - [turns to his left and sees a bum asleep on the street] well, maybe not the next, but you know what I mean, but we need to be careful about falling foul of the law. They will cut us slack because of the kidnapping - if that oaf Imimi ever explains it to them - but we don't want to be bowled out for zero, what!

Alice : [Sitting down] So, who'd want to kidnap Harvey Junior? And why?

Harvey: Mistaken identity, my girl! It was me they wanted. Confound my notorious past!

Alice : Huh, that's probably true. I wonder what they wanted off you.

Meant to say - out for 2 hours

Austin : [To Alice] They wanted to know about Clemetine, which at least, rules out one group.

Chastity: Those Clemetines have been the bane of my existence recently. They even had the nerve to picket several of my charitable events. We should put a stop to their nonsense once and for all.

Alice : So, they're probably the most trustworthy of all the groups, right?

Harvey: [Bangs his fist on a nearby table] Well, we must get to the bottom of this, troop! I won't have my family living in fear. We need to investigate these Clementine folks.

Alice : [Jumps in shock] So, uh, do we blame them? Why would the kidnappers be asking about Clementine if they were Sons of Clementine themselves?

Away 30 mins

Chastity: [Claps her hands in joy] Great detective work there Alice! It would appear we're dealing with two sets of foes. Did anyone check the balaclava-ed body for clues?

Austin : [Checks the balaclava for everything] Certainly Chassers, old girl. Glad to oblige.

Harvey: Blast these groups and their similar names! Why doesn't anyone go for a nice unique name, like the Knights in White Satin and so forth?

Alice : I know! If everyone was called Knights in White Satin it would be way easier!

[Aside from discovering that the wearer used to sweat a lot, AUSTIN doesn't find anything in the balaclava. It's late now, around midnight.]

Dur: [Agreeing with Harv] Maybe we should make a flowchart with all these cults to keep them straight.

Clint: [Aghast.] No! Our flowchart days are over! Why, look at what those things did to Jerry and Monty! I say we just ask around town for a bunch of lunatics wearing balaclavas.

Austin : [Searches the body of the kidnapper (not just the Balaclava)] Oh, perhaps he has something in hs pockets!

Alice : Good idea, Clint, but maybe we shouldn't wear balaclavas, that would just frighten people.

The kidnapper's body isn't here, it's back at the house where they took Harvey Jr., we're back at Harvey's now.

Clint: Plus, we'd look ridiculous. Did anyone get the number of their carriage?

Alice : I got it. [Takes out her notebook and reads, eyes flicking from side to side as she does] Four.

Clint: Ha! How hard could that be to find?

Alice : Well, they're all four - that's how you know they're from Queens View.

Queens >View.

Dur: Back to square one then! Perhaps we should check the house for clues?

Austin : [To Dur] Good idea. Perhaps you could hail a cab to take us back to the other house.

Alice : Or we could just take my carriage!

Austin : [Looks around] I thought Jasmine took your carriage?

Harvey: She did, niece, I'm sorry! Maybe we'd better call it a night, troop. I don't know as any of us will be at our best, given the lateness of the hour. Perhaps a fresh start in the morning?

Alice : [Does a double take] Hey!

[Everyone heads off to bed.]

End of scene, next one coming right up

[Book VI, Act I, Scene III. Harvey's Kitchen. ALICE, AUSTIN, CHASTITY, CLINT, DUR and HARVEY are here, with everyone but ALICE sitting around the table. There is a bowl of cornflakes for each person which, inexplicably, are all burnt.]

Alice : [Wearing a filthy apron] Dig in! There's plenty more! [Gestures to a frying pan that has smoke pouring out of it]

Harvey: [Beaming] Well done, my dear. Now why don't you freshen up, and Sister Chastity will tend to the clean-up out here! That will buy us some time so we can eat something else--er, these lovely toasted cornflakes!

Alice : Will do!

[Exit ALICE.]

Paul's away until Monday

Chastity : [Watching Alice walk out] That girl needs to wear more pants.

Quoting Conor Ryan :

Austin : [Looks at the burned cornflakes] Hmm, fried cornflakes. [Gingerly nibbles at one] I had another dream last night, which, if taken litterally, would suggest that the hoodded assailants, or kidnappers, have their den within ten minutes of this house, possibly in or near, or in a tunnel under a stables. {To Harvey] Is there a stable close to this house? About ten minutes carriage ride away?

Chastity : I had a similar dream. I think the cave was near some water. There are stables near here, just a few minutes walk.

Map of Queens View

That's the very first map ever drawn for the game!

Chastity : I had a similar dream. I think the cave was near some water. There are stables near here, just a few minutes walk.

Map of Queens View

That's the very first map ever drawn for the game!

Harvey: By the saints, I had a dream like that, myself! [Ponders] I think you might be right, Sister. I heard a sound like an old well crank [demonstrates by making an irritating noise].


Alice : [Returning, dressed properly and with her hands over her ears] Ew! That sounds just like a crazy noise I heard last night in another one of those dreams!

Harvey: We've all had the dream, dear girl! We must try to locate this place in our dreams. Surely this is no coincidence.

Austin : [To Alice] Please tell us about your dream, it seems as though our dreams are connected, almost like sequential episodes in a TV show.

Alice : Hm! What else did people see?

Harvey: I was blindfolded and tied to a chair, then taken by carriage to a tunnel of some kind. When they took me out of the carriage, I heard that [again demonstrates the annoying sound] noise. From there it was similar to my other dreams, cloaked figures, a [disgusted] man's brain being removed and all that. [To Alice] What was your dream like?

Alice : [Gives a shiver] Pretty much exactly the same! Right down to that awful noise.

Dur: [Says excitedly albeit a little late] I had the same dream!

Chastity : [To Dur] Exactly the same? Mine was almost the same, except I remember a terrible smell of horse poo. [Holds her nose to emphasise]

Dur: That is strange [Dur thinks]. Did anyone else have Clint in there dreams? In mine, I clearly remember what sounded like a river....

Austin : [Sighs] There was the stench of horse poo, in a carriage that took about 10 minutes to get from here to the bandits' den and then they took me down a tunnel, and the man with his brain scooped out etc [wave his had. Then, mnore brightly] So, the stables by the river, possibly in a cave that might be accessable via a well? [Shrugs] I expect we'll need a rope and some torches.

Alice : Alright! Looks like we're putting the band back together!

Away for about an hour

Clint: Haw! Someone's in trouble now!

Chastity : But where do we go? The stables? Or back to the kidnappers' house?

Clint: [Apparently thinking himself quite clever.] Yes!

Chastity : [Gives Clint a pained look] Hm. I see your over exposure on poor quality TV has done little to improve either your wit or manners, Mr. Scar.

Clint: [Hotly.] Hey! "What the Hell is That Smell?" was a great show! Taught people about the dangers of eating toasted cornflakes and everything! And as for that moron on "I'm a celebrity, get me out of this basement," that bastard deserved it!

Austin : [To Clint] No kidding, millions of viewers would love to have punched him too. [Nods, sagely] Anyway, why don't we check the kidnapper house for clues then head down to the stables.

Chastity : [Giving Clint a quick whack with a tea towel] Violence is never the answer, Mr. Scar!

[The party quickly head back to the kidnap house, which is just a few minutes walk. FLECHTER and IMIMI are here.]

Flechter : [To Imimi] Now that's a job well done.

Imimi : [Gives him a thumbs up]

Harvey: [To Flecht] Hello there, good sir! What do you make of these child-stealing villains?!

Flechter : Villains they are, sir, and child stealers at that! We've spent the whole night here [gestures to the sea of empty coffee cups and donut wrappers] but found nothing. The house has been empty for a week or so as the owners are away.

Austin : [To Flechter] And did you find any clues on the body?

Flechter : No lad, but we're sure he's the one that stole Mr. Pi's carriage last night.

Harvey: How do you know that?

Austin : [Whispers to Alice] Who the heck is Mr Pi?

Alice : The guy you stole, er, rented the Lamborari off last night!

Flechter : [To Harvey] Pure investigation, my lad! We found a bunch of documentation here that Mr. Pi said was in his carriage. It was there [points at a small table right by the doorway] I guess they put it there when they came in.

[Everyone looks over at the paperwork. It appears to be the paperwork that AUSTIN gave FLECHTER last night.]

Austin : [Looks perplexed] So the dead kidnapper stole Mr Pi's carriage?


Dur: [Sighs] Don't be silly Austin, I'm sure he was alive when he stole it!

Flechter : [To Austin] Do you have another suspect? Just because he's dead now doesn't mean he always has been. On 28/09/2007, Day, Kevin R. (Las Colinas) NA wrote:

Austin : [As if just suddenly realising] Ooh! I see, he was alive when he stole the carriage! Of course! [Sighs. To Flechter] Well, it looks like you have this all well in hand. Very professional. [To Harvey] Colonel, perhaps we should be getting along, and let these professionals go about their business.

Chastity : Unless you have some other piece of relevant information, Mr. Sleaze?

Harvey: Surely he doesn't, good Sister! Let's be on our way and let these men continue their bumbling--er, rumbling through the evidence!

Imimi : [Gives the party an extravagant salute] [The party leave the building.]

Alice : Well? Where now?

Dur: Perhaps we could follow some of the clues from our dreams?

Alice : Well, I heard that awful squeaky winch sound. Austin? Horses or something? What about you, Dur?

Austin : Indeed, let's get down to the stables by the river and have a look around for a cave or a well or tunnel.

Dur: [Agrees with Austin] Yes I distinctly remember the sound of a river after being dragged out of the carriage.

Alice : There's no river near the stables - the river is about half a mile from the town.

Alice : Oh for God's sake! That doesn't mean the stables is beside a river!

Harvey: True enough! The sound of horses relieving themselves can be quite misleading, what!

Alice : [Nods in agreement] Totally! They can sound just like winches!

Clint: Hell, it's not like the smell of horses means it was the town's stable, either! Could've been some private one on the river! At a house with a well. [Looks at Harvey expectantly.]

Austin : Well lets go to the nearest stables then, and of we don't find anything there then we move on to the next nearest place. [Shrug] It seemed to be about 10 minutes from the colonel's house so there cannot be that many place to check. [Ponders] Perhaps the carriage rental place? Or wherever the closest stables is.

Alice : [Dramatically] To the stables!

[The party head across town to the stables. Standing here are YEDDIE ATES and FREDDIE ATES, the latter of whom is holding a trophy.]

Yeddie : [Spots the party] Ah! There they are! True heroes! [Approaches Clint, doing some pretend boxing moves] Heya, Champ.

Clint: [Brightening.] Uh, heya. You're here for an autograph, right?

Ah, my adoring fans.

Yeddie : Uh, no, but, if you really want one. [Takes out a signed nude photo of himself] Here y'go!

Harvey: [To Yeddie] Please, sir, there are ladies present!

Yeddie : Oh, my apologies! [Takes out two more and hands them over to Chastity and Alice]

Alice : [Looks at the picture] What the hell is that?

Harvey: [Snatches the photo] Never you mind, niece! [To Yeddie] Stop corrupting this innocent young girl at once!

Yeddie : Sorry sir! Are you here about the kidnapping?

Freddie : [Glares at Yeddie] Yeddie!

Away for 2 hours

Harvey: [To Yeddie, cagily] Indeed I am, sir! What can you tell me about it?

Yeddie : Well, sir -

Freddie : [Interrupting] Me! Me! Me! [Holds up her trophy] I'm the Queens View Champion Witness! We think he was taken here, to a waiting carriage.

Away about an hour

Clint: Oh yeah? Describe the carriage. What was its number?

Freddie : Uh, four, I think. It was black and had two horses.

Dur: What did the horses look like?

If I disappear for a few days out of thin air, it's because we are having a baby ^.^

Harvey: Were they fanged? With flames for the mane and tail?!

Congrats, Kevin!

Freddie : [Taken aback] Wow! I mean, no, they were just ordinary horses. I didn't really get a good look. One was black, the other white. The black one had grey shirt and blue jeans one while the white one was dressed in grey sweats and had a sombrero?

Alice : What? The horse was wearing a sombrero? At night? In Queens View? That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard!

Freddie : No, it was hanging back over his neck.

Alice : Oh, well, that makes a whole lot more sense.

Excellent news!

Clint: [Glances at Harvey strangely.] Which way did they go? It can't be that hard to track down a horse in sweats and a sombrero!

Freddie : [Hands her trophy to Yeddie before putting her hands on her hips and jutting her chest to the west] They went that-a-way, partnuh! [Back to normal] I'm the Queens View Champion Western Accenter!

Harvey: [Averting his eyes from Freddie's jutting chest] Thank you, good lady! Now, we'll leave you to your fanciful trophy-claiming. We have kidnappers to find! [Starts off to the west]

Clint: [Not averting his eyes at all.]

Paul's still away?

Chastity : Colonel, shouldn't we take a carriage? We really have no idea how far we're going to have to go.

Harvey: Right as always, good Sister! An army doesn't just travel on its stomach, what! [Stomach rumbles] Though, now that you mention it, some sausages would hit the spot, Sister, thank you! [Waits expectantly]

Chastity : Er, would you like me to find a ... [questioningly] carriage made out of sausages?

Harvey: [Dreamily] Mmmm! [Snaps back to reality] Not at all, Sister! You handle the sausage, and I'll find a carriage!

Chastity : That's okay, Colonel, I believe that Alice is much better at [finger quotes] sausage handling than I.

Alice : It's all about the grip, you see, Chas. They're slippery little buggers - you got to grab a good, firm hold.

Dur: We are still talking about sausages, are we not?

Alice : Sure. Do you have a better way to hold them?

Dur: [Thinking] I'd say very carefully. After all, you wouldn't want to bruise a perfectly good sausage!

Alice : In my experience, Dur, there is no such thing as a [leans in close to Dur, licking her lips] perfectly good sausage.

Chastity: Not true Alice. I've had many a perfect sausage in my time at the convent. Father O'Hara had the juiciest Cumberland's.

Sorry - got back late yesterday.

Harvey: [Sighs wistfully] Ah, I'd love to get my mouth around a perfect sausage like his!

Alice : Now, did he have the top of them cut off? I'm not sure I like them without the skin.

You people disgust me!!

Yeddie : Well, I like to shove 'em up me arse!

[Everyone turns and gives YEDDIE an incredulous look.]

Yeddie : Oh come on, everyone does it!

Alice : You know we're talking about sausages, right?

Yeddie : Sure! What do you think I am? A pervert?

Dur: I hope that's not what you were doing when you witnessed the kidnapping. How could we trust a witness with a sausage up his arse!?

Clint: Yeah! Freak! [Turns to Harvey.] Let's rescue your kid before he catches whatever it is that this guy's got!

Sorry to hear about the accident, Dom! Glad you're... well, not okay, exactly, but as okay as one can be under the circumstances!

Yeddie : On the contrary, how could you trust a witness that [dramatically] didn't have a sausage up hi arse! Anyway, Freddie here is the Queens View Sausage Champion Puller Outer, it's not like anything could go wrong.

Austin : [Inside the stables, checking out the Lamborari that was impounded last night] I believe that this vehicle will be suitable.

Clint: Well, let's get a move on then! [Moves to hop into the Lamborari,] I don't want to hear anything more about sausage stuffing!

Chastity: I still say this vehicle looks dangerous. How many airbags does it have? [Goes to inspect the carriage]

Yeddie : [Points at the car with a gleeful expression on his face] Six thousand, three hundred and twenty one!

Dur: That's a little excessive! What's to keep us from dieing of suffocation with that many airbags?

Yeddie : [Dismayed] No! That's how many sausages you could fit in this carriage. I don't know how many airbags are in the carriage! What the hell do you think I am? Some sort of airbag knowing type person? Well fuck [prods Dur hard in the chest] you, buddy! I'm not wired that way!

Clint: Hey! You want to talk sausages, take it up with the lawyer over there! Leave the rest of us out of it.

Alice : [Looks at Yeddie's finger] Did you just poke him with a sausage?

Yeddie : Sure. I didn't want to hurt him by using my finger.

Harvey: [Stomach roaring dangerously] Can we please stop talking about sausages if we aren't going to be eating them?!

Yeddie : [Hiding behind Freddie, tentatively holding out his sausage] You can have mine, if you like.

Austin : [Sitting in the Lamborari, revving up the horses] Can we please get moving?

Harvey: Yes, indeed, Private Scar! Roll out, troop!

Chastity: [Climbs into the carriage] Certainly Colonel. We must not lose = our focus against these dastardly criminals. [Pauses] Ooh! Look at those = lovely flowers. [Climbs out of the carriage] I'll just take some = clippings.

Harvey: Yes, indeed, Private Scar! Roll out, troop!

Freddie : Ah yes, the lesser spotted sausage plant. How delightful.

[CHASTITY gets her clippings and the party head out of town, going west.]

Austin : [Driving] I'll head to the river, it's about ten minutes. Of course, we haven't proven anything yet. Are we even sure what kidnapping they were talking about?

Harvey: Surely this town hasn't gone so far to ruin that there were multiple kidnappings last night!

Dur: I'm sure there were more than a few kids napping in the middle of the night, colonel. Or at least pretending to be napping, you know how kids are these days!

Alice : But, if we think there was only one, then where are we going? We know that Harvey Junior was being held in the town.

Harvey: We're following the dream clues, are we not? If you know a better way to solve a crime than through dream interpretation, I'd love to hear it!

Alice : Yeesh! Excuse me, Special Agent Dooper!

Alice is referring to Special Agent Cale Dooper from the hit TV show Twine Piques.

[The party drive on for a short while until they spot the river. As they get closer they see that there is a large well (at least 20' in diameter) here.]

Harvey: Stop the carriage, Private! Let's go investigate this well. Does any of this look familiar to anyone?

Alice : Hm, [points at the river] that looks like a river. [Looks at the bucket on the well] I wonder how creaky this is.

Clint: [Sniffs the air for the stench of horses.] It's a well, Bimbo - of course it's creaky! There's probably a secret passage at the bottom, too!

Dur: [Goes to peer over the side of the well] Well, that would be an odd place for a secret passage.

Alice : [To Clint, in surprise] Why of course?

Harvey: [Goes to the well and tries to turn the crank] Let's find out, troop!

Clint: [Surprised himself.] Oh, you know - all abandoned houses out in the middle of the woods are haunted, and all witches wear big pointy hats, and all wells are creaky! That's just the way the world works!

Alice : [Gives Clint a highly sceptical look] We'll see.

[HARVEY turns the crank and it gives a horrible creaking sound.]

Alice : [Covering her ears] Ew! That's exactly what I heard last night. I - [suddenly turns and looks at Clint, impressed] Hm.

Harvey: [Triumphantly] We're on the right track now, troop! Now, where's a tunnel?

Alice : I know! I know! [Triumphantly] Underground!

Harvey: [Looks down the well] Right, lower me down, troop!

[HARVEY climbs onto the generously sized bucket and the party start to slowly let him down. The rope and chains holding the bucket are very secure and look as though they will easily hold him.]

Austin : [Peering into the well] I wonder how deep it is. [Drops a stone in, and, despite everyone listening for a few moments, hears nothing.]

Harvey: Hmm, hold that rope steady, soldiers!

Dur: [Sweating profusely while holding the rope] Colonel, I think it's time for you to lay off the sausages!

Harvey: [Stomach rumbles loudly, echoing in the well] Stop talking about sausages!

Alice : [Standing beside Dur, looking at his sweat in alarm] And I think it's time you started wearing some deodorant, Dur!

Dur: [Clearly oblivious to what she means] That's ridiculous! How would deodorant make this task any easier?

Alice : I didn't say it would make it easier, just more tolerable! [Takes her hands off the rope to wave under her nose] Phew!

[The bucket slips a little, but seems to have hit firm ground.]

Alice : [Grabs the rope again, even though there's clearly no need] Er, sh. [Whistles nonchalantly]

Away about 40 mins

Harvey: [Calls up] There's a cave down here, troop! It's just like the dream.

Alice : Right. I guess we'll just pull up the bucket and leave then, right?

Austin : Of course not. Lower me down next. [Squirts some deodorant near Dur]

Dur: I hope it's not just like the dream or we'll all find ourselves very shortly without brains. [looks at Alice] How bout you go next?

Alice : [As Austin is lowered down] Sure, I'll go next. In the meantime, how about you tell us how you manage without a drain? [Laughs so hard that some milk comes down her nose] I mean, brain.


Chastity: [Holding her nose dramatically after Austin's spraying] Gack! I'm not sure which odor is worse. I will go in after the [ahem] lawyer to get away from this stench.

Austin's > spraying] Gack! I'm not sure which odor is worse. I

Clint: Hey, after I finish lowering everyone down, who's gonna lower ME down the well?

Dur: [To Clint] You mean you can't lower yourself down Clint? Tsk, tsk, seems pretty lazy of you!

Clint: Hey, I'm in this for kicking doors, not throwing the yous down the well!

Alice : [Sitting onto the bucket] Come on, Stinky, I bet you can just shimmy down the rope!

Harvey: Let's move, troop! They can't take all our brains at once--safety in numbers and all that!

[Before long, everyone is down at the bottom, with the bucket secured to a convenient skeleton to prevent it from being pulled back up while they're here. There is a tunnel leading away from here, in the opposite direction to the river, which is wide enough for two to travel abreast.]

Austin : [Frisking the skeleton's clothes for any treasure] Perhaps the good Colonel and Mr. Scar should lead the way? In case there are any doors that need kicking open, of course.

Harvey: Naturally, a leader leads, Private! [Strides into the front of the group]

[The party continue along for about thirty feet and then see that the passage opens up into a much larger chamber. Even from outside they can see that there is a low, table like rock in the centre and that there is a body on it, with lots of blood around.]

Alice : Er, I must admit, this seems in some small way similar to my dream.

Harvey: [Grimly] Stay back, troop. [Goes to examine the body]

Alice : [Glares at the party] And stay quiet!

[Everyone inches forwards and sees HARVEY check out the body. It is a man, and the top of his skull has been completely removed and his brain taken out.]

Chastity: [Feels for the man's pulse] He's dead. And has been so for some time. I'll see if I can determine the cause of death. [Inexplicably starts to examine the body]


Dur: Oh will you! [Dur crosses his arms over his chest] And when were you deigned as a professional diagnostician by the Organization of Sugary Goodness Breakfast Cereal Committee?

Clint: So you really DID get your medical training from a box of Frosted Flakes! I knew it! [Moves to keep an eye on Chas, in case the body does something unexpected like come back to life or something.]

Harvey: Quiet, all of you! Show some respect for this poor luckless bastard!

Alice : That's right - poor old Dur! Give him a chance!

Clint: 'sides, this guy's dead already, and dead people don't sue for malpractice!

Alice : You seem suspiciously knowledgeable about this, Clint!

Clint: [Defensively.] You can't have a great show like "What the Hell is that Smell" without a house doctor and a lot of malpractice insurance!

Alice : Ah, you don't see quality tv like that any more!

Harvey: [Laughs uproariously] Isn't that the truth, niece! My favorite was the one where the lady kept guessing rotten turnips, dead owls, burning toenails, and they hadn't even started the show yet!

Chastity: Tsk, Colonel. I really am surprised that you of all people = waste your time with that inane chatterbox. Chewing gum for the eyes, = and nothing more. And that's another thing we'd be better off without. = Get that stuff on your clothes and you're in a world of trouble. [To = Alice] A neat trick is to rub ice on it until it gets hard.

Harvey: [Laughs uproariously] Isn't that the truth, niece! My favorite was the one where the lady kept guessing rotten turnips, dead owls, burning toenails, and they hadn't even started the show yet!

another thing we'd be better trouble. [To Alice] A neat trick is

Alice : Cool! I always thought that would make it softer.

Harvey: [To Chastity, offended] I was merely supporting my old troop, Sister, just like when I send money in those blasted envelopes with the pictures of the sad-eyed orphans and starving puppies your order keeps sending us!

Austin : Indeed. Why they couldn't feed the puppies to the orphans I'll never know. [Spots something on the wall] There! That's the pattern I saw in my dreams!

[AUSTIN points to a strange swirling pattern, drawn in blood on the wall.]

Alice : [Turns to look at it] Yikes! That's my one two! I mean, my one too.

Harvey: By the saints, who is invading our dreams?! This is all very sinister, troop! We'd better look around the rest of this wretched place and see what we can learn.

Clint: Okay, so we have the well, the stiff, the symbol on the wall - anyone dream about where we can go to kick someone's butt and rescue the kid? [Looks around for doors and the like.]

Alice : What kid? Harvey Junior? Who we rescued last night?

Austin : [Looking around the cave] Well, I don't see any other exits from here, and it doesn't look like there's anything left behind.

Harvey: Nothing to identify this poor chap? I suppose we'd better alert the authorities, though how we'll explain finding this abomination, I'm sure I don't know!

Chastity: Good idea, Colonel. [Takes out a brand new 8bit oPhone] Hmm, I = don't have any signal down here.

Harvey: Nothing to identify this poor chap? I suppose we'd better alert the authorities, though how we'll explain finding this abomination, I'm sure I don't know!

Alice : Uh, how [emphasis] are we going to explain finding the body? [Sneaks a look at Chastity's oPhone] Ve-ry nice, Chas! Is that a picture of me on it?

Chastity: [Slightly embarassed] Erm, no, that's the convent's pug, = Donald. Anyway, this phone was provided to me by the convent to carry = out my holy work. I would never buy anything as expensive as this for = myself. [Pauses] I wonder if I can get the Sock Her scores on this = thing.

I think I forgot to reply all

I don't have any signal

Alice : Uh, how [emphasis] are we going to explain finding the body? [Sneaks a look at Chastity's oPhone] Ve-ry nice, Chas! Is that a picture of me on it?

Harvey: [Looks at the picture of the pug, beaming] Very nice, niece! I like what you've done with your hair.

Austin: [Leans in for a look] It's just a shame you wore so much make up for that picture.

Kevin's having a baby??

Dur: [Peering in, giving a sexy growl] Nice corset and stockings though.

Alice: Hey! We're supposed to be solving a murder here! Or a kidnapping - or, well, who the hell is this guy? Did Yeddie and Freddie know something about him?

Harvey: Perhaps we should make a sketch of him and ask around town? With his head intact, of course.

Alice: Excellent idea, Harv! [Starts working on a sketch]

Austin: [Peering over Alice's shoulder] Ye-es. Of course, in the unlikely event that no one recognises him, perhaps we should make some discreet enquiries too.

Harvey: [Looking at the sketch, puzzled] Niece, why are you drawing a pug?

Alice: [Tearing out the page and balling it up] Oh for God's sake! Suddenly everyone's a critic!

Clint: Hey! That sounds like a great idea for my next show! [Looks down at the corpse.] Could we tell the police something about Harvey Jr hearing about this place? So that they don't do something we might regret?

Austin: Lie to the police? Excellent idea, Mr. Scar. One doesn't want to entrust one's future to such buffoons.

Clint: Yeah. We can't figure out what's going on here if that idiot mime locks us up!

Alice : So what are we going to say to the cops?

Harvey: Nothing! Let us investigate this ourselves. We've brought a villain or two to justice in our time, what!

Austin : Well said, Colonel. Let us away.

[Exit ALL.]

[Book VI, Act I, Scene IX. The Stables. ALICE, AUSTIN, CHASTITY, CLINT, DUR and HARVEY are here, having just arrived back. Waiting here are YEDDIE and FREDDIE.]

Freddie : [Spots the party] Whoohoo! They're back! Yay! [Waves a little flag]

Harvey: [Beams] Ah, it's just like the parade they threw us when we returned from the Battle of Norman D [looks around, disappointed] only less streamers and hats.


Chastity: [To Yeddie and Freddie] Would you happen to know why there is = a dead man in the cave down the well?

little flag]

Harvey: [Beams] Ah, it's just like the parade they threw us when we returned from the Battle of Norman D [looks around, disappointed] only less streamers and hats.

Yeddie : Oh! Oh! I'm great at these! Was there a bag beside him? Like an unopened satchel? Hm?

Harvey: No, but why do you ask?

Freddie : [Angrily to Yeddie] Fool! You've made us look like idiots! [Hits him hard with her trophy]

Yeddie : Ow!

Freddie : He thinks that the answer to all of these is an unopened parachute, because he once got one right, but who's the Queens View Champion Riddle Answerer? Who?

Chastity: [To Freddie] Is this a riddle?

Freddie: [Triumphantly] If it was, then I would almost certainly know the ans-

Yeddie: [Interrupting] Whoever knows has an unopened bag beside them!

Freddie: [Turns and hits Yeddie square in the forehead with her trophy] Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! You freak! [Hits him again] You're making me look stupid! [Punctuates each syllable with a bang, with the party wincing each time] Stu-pid! Stu-pid! Stu-pid!

Harvey: By the saints, troop, are we all trapped in some hellish nightmare together? This man is clearly speaking in dreamese!

Dur: No wonder I can't understand a word they are talking about!

Freddie : [Steps back up] I'm not a man! Now, what was your question? A riddle about how a man fell out of an airplane and landed in a cave in a well, eh? Hm, what's an airplane?

Clint: Oh, that one's easy! It's what you're doing when you play the air-guitar!

Harvey: [Pats his hair absently] What the blazes are you talking about, Private? My hair seems fine!

Yeddie : [Does a drum roll on airdrums] Haw! He's got you there!

Dur: [His mouth open, obviously confused] Aren't we supposed to be doing something important rather than putting together an impromptu air-band jam session?

Freddie : Yes! Yes you are! You're supposed to be investigating the kidnapping of John D'Eau! [A little less certainly] Aren't you?

Clint: Maybe... Where were you when it happened? What do you know about it?

Alice : Sure, your [emphasis] hair seems fine! [To Freddie] Yo. So, you know D'Eau?

Freddie : [Looks horror struck] Yeddie! She's rhyming!

Yeddie : [Embraces Freddie before turning to Alice] She doesn't like rhymes.

Yeddie : We live across the road from him. We first noticed something was wrong when Freddie checked the telescope around midnight. We tried to phone to police but just got that useless mime. Couldn't understand a thing.

Dur: What were you doing watching his house with a telescope? And what was wrong?

Harvey: Damn mimes!

Dur: [Crosses his arms] I'm shocked by your attitude, Colonel. You, above all others, should be familiar with the old military adage "A mime is a terrible thing to waste"!

I know. That was awful ;p

Yeddie: [To Dur] How else would we watch it? [Rolls his eyes] Anyway, we first thought there was something wrong when we saw some people grab him and drag him down stairs.


Clint: Can you describe those people?

Harvey: [Nods approvingly] Excellent question, Private! [To Yeddie] Were they about medium-height, wearing dark clothes, no distinguishing features?

Yeddie: [Tries to cover up a gasp of surprise] Then you're familiar with them?

Freddie: Fool! [Bonks him over the head with the trophy again] We saw four of them dragging him out of there. Two were well build, one was medium to scrawny and one was thin.

Yeddie: [Apparently unphased by either the beating he's taken or the blood trickling out of his nose and ear] But he had a dynamite ass. [Traces out a well proportioned rear end in the air before giving a sexy growl] Roar!

Harvey: [To Yeddie, in a loud Harvey whisper] Miss, please! My niece is young and unworldly, and I'll thank you not to give her confusing ideas to worry herself with!

Yeddie: Miss? I think [dramatic point] you are the one confused, Sir!

Harvey: Who can keep up these days?! Women wearing trousers, men wearing [vaguely] fussy bits and pieces--what's an old soldier to think?

Yeddie : Not that I'm a girly, that's for sure!

Chastity: [To Yeddie and Freddie] Did you happen to see where the four went afterwards?

Freddie: There was a carriage waiting for them outside, horses running, and apparently it zoomed off, as though driven by a lunatic.

Yeddie: [Echoing in a pseudo mysterious voice] Loooooonatic.

Harvey: [Muses] Kidnappers do tend to be careless drivers. [To Yeddie and Freddie] What direction did they go, did you notice?

Freddie : The same way you guys went, I think, but we couldn't go down stairs on account of the chains.

Yeddie: [Echoing] Chaaaaaains!

Dur: You two watched all this happen and didn't do anything to help?

Freddie : The chains! The chains!

Clint: So. Four of them, went the same direction we did, lots of chains involved. Got it. Harv, maybe we should go see John D'Eau's house? Look for clues or something?

And they would've gotten away with it if it weren't for you meddling kids!

Harvey: [In a loud whisper] Indeed, we seem to be at a dead end with these two odd fellows. [To Yeddie and Freddie, politely] Thanks for all your help, chaps! We'll just be on our way now.

Clint: Yeah, as soon as you tell us where the D'Eau house is. Then you two weirdos can get back to doing... whatever it is that you do.

Freddie: [Glares at Harvey, before turning to Clint] Fine, if you don't want any help, you can, uh, not have any help. Weirdo. [Looks at her watch] Come on, Yeddie, Bobbo says we need to be in that donkey costume within five minutes.

[YEDDIE and FREDDIE storm back to their house, which is across the street from the stables.]

Alice: Hey! How - [steps out of the way of one of the many cops who are going in and out of another house nearby] how are we supposed to know which house John D'Eau lived in?

Harvey: [Notices the cop activity] By the saints, could that be the D'Eau Chateau?!

Dur: [Winces at Harvey's rhyme] Is that really necessary?

Alice : Could be. Let's ask this guy, he looks trustworthy.

[ALICE points to a man sitting in a deck chair outside YEDDIE and FREDDIE's house. This is BOBBO O'KELSY, a sleazy looking man in a velvet smoking jacket.]

Bobbo : Well, hello, little girl.'Kelsey

Harvey: [Steps protectively in front of Alice] Hello there, good sir. Could you tell us what all this [gestures to the cop activity] hubbub is about?

Bobbo: It's a kidnapping, Sport. Young John D'Eau was grabbed last night. What a pity. Such a supple young body. [Sighs as he puffs on his pipe]

Clint: [Suspiciously.] You saw the whole thing, didn't you?

Bobbo: Every single bit.

Chastity: [To Bobbo] Can you share with us what you witnessed?

Bobbo: Certainly, Sweetheart. [Takes out a photo album] These are my candid shots. [Opens the album to show a picture of a naked man with his back to the camera] Such supple cheeks, so pert. I do hope nothing has happened to him.

Chastity: [Steps back and speaks to the party] Better let someone who's at this man's level ask him questions. [Looks at Austin]

Austin: Indeed, Sister. You are too far below his level.

Bobbo: [Flicking through the book, pausing every so often to ooh and aah, before looking up] Is there a problem? I can do a slide show if you'd prefer.

Clint: [Quickly.] No! Just tell us what you saw about the kidnapping. [To the party.] By the way, who the hell is John D'Eau and what would someone want with him?

Bobbo: He's a beautiful, beautiful boy, Sport. [Shows a photo of John from the front, naked]

Alice : [Peers at the photo] Oh my! [Fans herself slightly]

Bobbo: I'm not sure why anyone would want to harm him. He's a real quiet one, doesn't have many friends, doesn't have many hobbies, doesn't overindulge in masturbation.

Harvey: Sir, you disgust me, but we thank you for your help. [To the party] Let's move out, troop, before we learn more than we wanted to know about this D'Eau!

Clint: Bimbo, was that guy we found this John D'Eau person? Or has someone else vanished too?

Alice : [Shrugs] Idunno.

Bobbo: Please find him - bring those six blackguards to justice!

Clint: Wait, six? Didn't those other two losers say four?

Have a nice time at the pub, all!

Clint: Wait, six? Didn't those other two losers say four?

Alice : They did, Stinky, but maybe the other two were waiting in the carriage?

Harvey: [Snaps his fingers] Of course! The getaway driver and the man who called shotgun! [Everybody slowly nods in agreement.]

Alice: Hm, so what does this mean? There were two kidnappings in town last night - surely they have to be related?

Chastity: My, Alice. That is a strong leap to make. Just because the six people were dressed alike, does not mean they are from the same blood.

Alice: Oh please. It's way more likely than there being six people from [emphasis] different families who all turned out to be kidnappers!

Harvey: [Nods] True enough, Sister! We'd have to see if they have similar foreheads and so forth as well!

Alice: [Annoyed] Look. All of us are related, and we're not even wearing the same clothes and aren't kidnappers, so how much more likely would it be if we were?

Dur: I'm sure what you meant was, we aren't kidnappers [with emphasis] 'yet'. We just reunited after all, give us some time!

Harvey: [Exasperated] For Phili's sake, I have all the children I can manage as it is!

Alice: So, [puzzled] you want us to kidnap one?

[Enter SCABBY, the team mascot for the Hallbridges Healers Sock Her Team. This is a man in an over sized scab costume.]

Scabby: Hey! [Points at the party] Hey you! Yeah, I'm talkin' to you!

Austin: [Turns and looks Scabby up and down] Please don't.

Scabby: Hey! [Pushes his way into the middle of the party] What the hell is wrong with you people?

Harvey: [To Scabby] Not a thing, chappie, though I'm not too impressed at your tone!

Scabby: [Getting right in Harvey's face] Carriage thief!

Clint: [Looks at Scabby unimpressed.] Freak dressed as a walking scab!

Scabby: Look, you piece of - [does a double take] Hey! What the hell is that smell! Wow! It's a pleasure to meet you, Clint! [Holds out his hand to shake]

Clint: [Maganimously shakes Scabby's hand.] Ah, another fan. What can we do for you, uh, man dressed as a walking scab?

Scabby: Just call me Scabby, Clint. Actually, [gives a little laugh] it's a little embarrassing, but I'm here to distract you while the Hallbridges Healers Sock Her team sneak up behind you so that they can beat the shit out of you.

[Cue awkward pause.]

Alice: Er, Mr. Scabby Clint? Why would they want to do that?

Scabby: Because you stole Mr. Pi's carriage. [Dramatically] Twice!

Dur: Well, how were we supposed to know the difference? All the carriages in this city look the same.

Harvey: [To Scabby] I'd like to see them try! Those bastards couldn't hit water fell out a boat this season!

Scabby: [Looks puzzled at Harvey, before turning to Dur] This one is a Lamborari! There are no other ones in the town like this - and it was parked outside our hotel with a "Do Not Touch - Property of Agnum Pi" written on it!

Austin: Is the sign there now?

Scabby: Well, no, but -

Austin: [Checks his nails, looking bored] Then how can you be sure that it's the same carriage? [Suddenly does a double take when he spots that there are six enormous men dressed in American Football like gear standing around them]

Harvey: [To Scabby, enraged and sputtering] You heard me!

Scabby: [Steps up to Harvey, nose to nose] I heard you but I didn't understand you! [The Sock Her players start jostling the party, with considerable pushing and shoving going on.]

Dur: [Shying away from the very large men] Well! How can you just assume everyone can read? If we were illeterate we could very well have thought the sign said "Free Carriage - First Come First Serve!"

Alice: [Nods in agreement] He's a doctor - he can barely spell his own name! [The pushing and shoving continues, with the party well and truly surrounded.]

Clint: [To one particularly large gentleman in his ridiculous pads.] Hey, pick on someone your own size, ya pansy!

Alice: [Points to one side] Look! It's Stabby - the mascot of the Queens View Pricks!

[Enter STABBY, beloved mascot of the Queens View Pricks, the local Sock Her team named for how common it is for people to be pricked in the foot by syringes when walking around Queens View on a Saturday morning.]

Stabby: Hey! Leave them alone, you scabby bastards!

Harvey: Stabby, give these ruffians what for!

Stabby: Bullying good, honest, Queens View folk? [Puts his fists up, rolling them around] Why I oughta - [One of the Sock Her players punches STABBY in the face, sending him reeling, only to quickly charge, head down, and poke his needle in his eye.]

Player: Ow! I've been pricked!

Chastity: Oh dear. These Sock Her hooligans really are too much. They should lock them all up and throw away the key. [To Alice] Be careful Alice! Your uncle doesn't need to see you getting poked.

Harvey: Too right, Sister! [To Chastity, in a loud Harvey whisper] And I could do without all those chaps bragging about having given her a poke, too!

Austin: Again!

Alice: Hey! That was entirely different situation, they were a Foolbatt team, not Sock Her players!

Scabby: [To one of the large men] Mr. Pi, these are the reprobates that stole your carriage those last two times.

Harvey: [To Mr. Pi] Good sir, I am Colonel Harvey Kingston Short III, respected citizen of this esteemed city, and I can assure you I have never in my life indulged in petty theft!

Agnum: [Taking off his helmet] I don't care who you are. I'm gonna mess you up. I'm gonna shove a used ass puppy down your throat.

Austin: [To Alice] Ass puppy?

Alice: Oh, you know. It's what the filthy rich use to wipe themselves with after doing a jobby. Toilet paper is fine, but it's just not as soft as a Labrador pup. [Squirms a little in pleasure at the memory]

Dur: No one ever told ME that when I had money!

Alice: Just because you were filthy and had money doesn't mean you were filthy rich, Dur. Anyway, they might be ass puppies, but come on, they're human too, right? It's not like you'd expect Clint to use them.

Harvey: [To Alice, bellowing] Wait just a minute, niece! Just what happened to the children's sweet little pup Goldie, and where the blazes did you find that dreadful, foul smelling pup Brownie?!

Alice: Sure, she's sweet, but man she has sharp nails. I mean, Goldie? Who's he?

Clint: [Incensed.] You would do that to a helpless puppy, Bimbo? [To Agnum.] And YOU!

Alice: Uh, no!

Agnum: Hey, I inject heroin into puppies eyeballs for fun, you think I'm gonna draw the line at a little asswiping?

Clint: [Incensed.] Harv, do you mind if I wipe the floor with this guy?

Harvey: [Looking at Angum, disgusted] Private Scar, I insist! [To Angum] You, sir, are a brute!

Agnum: [Pushing into Harvey] And you, sir, are a low life carriage thief that I wouldn't use to wipe my ass puppy's ass! [There's a lot of pushing and shoving going on now, with the party barely able to stay standing.]

Austin: Cease this at once, or you will find yourself liable for all sorts of criminal and civil damages!

Chastity: [To Austin] I know that this is probably not a good time, but remind me again of the difference between liable and slander.

Clint: That's easy, Chas. Slander is when you say untrue things that damage someone's reputation. Liable is like "this guy is liable to get his ass kicked!"

Austin: [Being jostled further] That is surprisingly correct, Mr. Scar.

Agnum: [Pushes Chastity hard, knocking her into Harvey, who falls back against another player] And you are libel to get your ass kicked, bi-atch.

Harvey: [Furious, to Angum] You apologize to Sister Chastity this instant! [attempts to karate chop Angum]

[Enter The Queens View Pricks, the local Sock Her team.]

Stabby: Come on, guys! They're troubling some fans!

Pricks: Chaaarge!

[The Queens View Pricks all leap into the fray, with the party being trapped beneath a throng of sweaty bodies.]

Harvey: Get him, you Pricks! [Miraculously, the party remain unharmed and relatively safe in small pocket of air beneath the fighting.]

Alice: [Pointing at a tunnel of legs] Look! We can escape that way! Chastity [Begins to crawl through the sea of legs] Good idea, Alice. Let's get out of here.

Alice: [Follows Chastity, but pauses to look up for a moment] Crikey! He's hung like a horse!

Austin: [Behind Alice] That is a horse. [Checks Alice out from the back] Nice underpants. Nice and frilly.

Alice: Do they remind you of your own then?

Austin: No, mine are clean.

Harvey: [Trying to crawl with his eyes closed] Couldn't everyone take a bit more care in keeping their underpants concealed?!

Alice: Well, they are in my pocket!

Austin: Not any more.

Dur: We're supposed to be wearing underwear?

Alice: That depends.

Harvey: Not, it does not! This troop wears underclothes!

Dur: [Tries to take a peek up Alice's dress as the crawl to safety] Not the last time I checked it didn't. What? I feel the need to fit in!

Alice: Into my underwear? Well, it's a little tight up front but - oh, actually, you'll probably be fine!

Clint: [Looks around for Agnum for a bit but reluctantly crawls after the party.] Crawling through sweaty legs with a bunch of pricks to the rescue... this must bring back memories of high school, Bimbo!

Alice: Nah, I'm wearing too many clothes, and there are hardly any - oh, here come the cops. They're bound to sort this out. [Calls out] Hey! Mr. Plod!

[Bonk. ALICE gets hit over the head with a nightstick.]

Clint: [Crawls faster to come help Alice.] Didn't your ma tell you not to hit women, you pig?!

Pig: All the time. She was like "Please Pig! Don't hurt us! I'm your mother! They're you're sisters!" [Bonk] Hits Austin.

Austin: [Looks around puzzled] Did he just hit himself and say "Hits Austin"?

Alice: No, he hit me and said "Hits Austin".

Austin: That's weird. [To the pig] Did anyone ever tell you're weird?

Pig: All the time! My ma would say "You're weird! Take off our wedding dresses."

Alice: Dresses?

Pig: I had a number of sisters.

Harvey: [Exasperated] That'll do, Pig!

Pig: You sound just like my Ma, she would look up from the floor, with all those funny blood bubbles coming out of her nose, and say "That'll do, Pig ".

Harvey: What the oink are you talking about, you murderous bastard!

Clint: He's talking about why he's a murderous bastard, Harv!

Pig: Finally! Someone who listens to me! [Bonk. Hits Clint]

Clint: Right! You had this coming, pal! [Takes a swing at Pig.] [CLINT connects with PIG's chin and knocks him down, before all hell breaks loose, with Sock Her players and pricks flying all over the place.] [Book VI, Act I, Scene V. Harvey's Sitting Room. AUSTIN is sitting here, drinking tea from a delicate china cup and reading a book about oriental sex positions. Enter ALICE, wearing her dressing gown. We here the sound of an audience cheering and clapping, sitcom style, along with a few sexy "Whoo-hoos" at her.]

Alice: Hey, Aus - [pauses for the audience to calm down] Hey, Aus, reading up on our case?

Austin: I believe that there is nothing to worry about, dear Alice. Although, I must say, I am considering legal action for false imprisonment because of our brief time in the cells.

Harvey: [Strolls into the room, also wearing a dressing gown] No need, Private! I sorted out those hooligans [pauses while the audience cheers and chants "Har-vey! Har-vey!"]--we'll have no more of their flim flammery!

Austin: On the contrary, Colonel, because of our success last night, we are now poised to strike again. In fact, [finally puts down the sex manual] if I wasn't so convinced that everyone here had another of those disturbing dreams last night, I would filing papers quicker than Clint would run from a hot bath.

[A small portion of the audience burst into delirious laughter for about two seconds before going quiet again.]

Dur: [Enters immediately as if on cue after Austin's last line] Did somebody say HOT BATH?! [The audience claps for Dur's arrival but quickly quiet down trying to make sense of what Dur said.]

Dur: [Clearing his throat after his nonsensical joke fell flat] Ummm... Indeed Austin. I had one of those frightful dreams again last night.

Chastity: [Enters through the door] [The audience cheers loudly for a full minute. Chastity waits until the applause dies down]

Chastity: [Holds her arm] I think someone trampled on my arm in the mawl last night. Someone seriously needs to do something about those Sock Her hooligans. [The audience claps in serious agreement].

Austin: [To Dur] As, I suspect, did we all. There were some new twists in mine - I dreamt that someone, possibly a witness or some passerby was beaten by whoever took me, and I believe that the sacrifice itself happened in the stables.

Alice: [To Chastity] But Sister, we are those Sock Her hooligans!

Clint: [Enters the room, jauntily sporting a black eye.] What a blast, huh guys?

Audience: [Cheers wildly for no apparent reason.]

Alice: [Looks Clint up and down] Hey! You didn't have a black eye last night!

Clint: Hey, that's the price of looking tough, Bimbo! Sometimes you've gotta look more beat up than you actually are!

Alice: But with make up?

Heather's out today

Harvey: By the saints, troop! Let's not waste time talking about Private Scar's cosmetics! I also had one of those dreams - did everyone else?

Dur: Ugggh. Don't remind me. I remember when I used to dream of happy things... like a piece of apple core with only a smidge of dirt on it...

Alice: Now, is that hard core? Or soft core?

Clint: Yeah! And I remember a lot of people got the crap beat out of 'em in this one, too.

Alice: Mine too - like the people who grabbed me did it.

Harvey: [Scratching a sideburn] How the blazes are they controlling our minds, troop? It's like the Chanmurian Dandy-Cat all over again! [audience makes concerned "ooooh!' sounds]

Alice: I hope not! Do you think that someone is controlling us or something?

Harvey: How else can we explain this? Those dreams can't be coincidental!

Clint: Maybe it's the Philster warning us in our sleep or something? [Shrugs and scratches himself while he thinks it over.]

Alice: It does seem like a warning - but giving it to us after the event isn't really so helpful, is it?

Dur: Maybe it's not the sacrifices we're meant to stop? Maybe the sacrifices are leading up to something more sinister? Maybe... oooh a peanut! [Dur dives under a nearby table to grab the peanut and shoves it hastily in his mouth.] [The studio audience laughs uproariously at Dur's antics]

Dur: Hey that wasn't a peanut! [He eats it anyway]

Audience: Ewwwwwwwwww!

Alice: What the hell is he doing down there? [Bends down to look, causing a big "Oooooh!" from the audience, before standing up again and looking out the window that was smashed last night] Hey! What are all those people doing out there?

[Everyone turns and, for the first time, notices the audience, a bunch of people crammed around the window looking in. Amongst them are FREDDIE and YEDDIE.]

Yeddie: [To Freddie] Aren't they great? I love this show!

Freddie: Not as much as me - I'm the Queens View Champion Queens View watcher for the last two years, even though the show didn't even start until this morning!

Clint: Hey! What the hell are all you losers doing out there! [Reaches for his rope belt.]

Freddie: Look out! He's going to flash us! Everybody run!

[The audience breaks up, with everyone but YEDDIE running for cover. YEDDIE simply stands there, watching.]

Yeddie: Go on, then!

Chastity: [To Clint] Please do not remove your trousers.

Yeddie: [Clearly trying to start a chant, and apparently oblivious to the fact that he's the only one standing here] Off! Off! Off!

Harvey: [Roaring] Private, you keep the Little Private private!

Clint: [Shrugs.] Hey, it scared 'em all away, didn't it? Except for this pervy freak over here! [Looks for something to block Yeddie's view as well.]

Alice: [In time with Yeddie] Off! Off! Off!

Harvey: [To Alice] Quite right, niece! We should be off. All this dilly-dallying isn't helping us nab those villains!

Alice: Uh, yeah, that's what I meant.

Austin: Quite right. Where are we going to go to, Colonel?

Harvey: How about we set up a stake-out of that blasted well? Catch those bastards before they kill again? [To Chastity, hopefully] Though it wouldn't be a real stake-out without donuts. . . .

Austin: The well? Perhaps we should start at the stables, after all, didn't some of us dream about the sacrifice happening in there?

Harvey: [Stomach rumbling dangerously] Fine with me, Private, as long as we can have those donuts Sister Chastity was talking about!

Chastity: Absolutely Colonel! And a hot flask of tea will help wash those donuts down. [Heads to the kitchen]

[A few minutes later, everyone is armed with donuts and tea, and head to the stables. Standing outside it is almost eerily quiet, with a strange stillness in the air.]

Yeddie: [Appearing from around the corner, punching the air] Off! Off! Off!

Yeddie: [Disturbed at the lack of reaction from the party] Er, [timidly] off?

Dur: Oh for god sakes! [Rips off his tunic flashing Yeddie] Is THAT better?

Yeddie: [Stops and gasps] I - must - paint you!

Dur: [Looks a little taken aback] You're not painting me anything! Do you know how long it took me to perfect this sickly green hue?

Harvey: [To Yeddie] What the blazes are you doing here, chappie?! We have important work to do.

Chastity: [To Dur] I have some pills for that. [Passes Dur a bottle of Extension-Au-Natural growth pills and smirks] I don't have anything for the green hue.

Dur: [Looks at the pills] I'm surprised you have any left! I hear these are in great demand among the Phili priests that take to frequenting the all male orphanages!

Alice: And they give the pills to the kids to make them grow? That's cool. Help them grow up faster.

Heather's away today:

Harvey: [To Yeddie] I say, Chappie, off with you, before I give you a thick ear!

Yeddie: I'll go - but I'll be back, and I'll have my paint with me!

Chastity: [To Dur] How dare you insinuate that anythin untoward is happening in the orphanages! [To Austin] I would like to file a complaint against Dur and I need a good lawyer. Do you know of any?

Austin: Compared to me? No. Frankly, Sister, I doubt you would win. I mean, what is the new advertising slogan they have? "The Church of Phili - it's not just about pedophilia"? [Chuckles to himself]

Clint: Much better than "C'mere, little boy, let me show you heaven!" Anyway, let's go find that stable before that sick audience comes back!

Alice: [Points at the stable behind the party] You mean this stable?

Clint: No, I mean "that stable!"

Alice: Oh, okay. [Opens the door to reveal a body in the middle, killed in the same way as before, and with the same sign painted in blood on the wall]

Harvey: By the saints! Another one!

Clint: You'd think the cops would notice these, or at least that people are going missing, wouldn't you?

Dur: Does anyone else find it suspicious that those freaks Yeddie and Freddie have been around when we tend to discover bodies?

Harvey: Good point, Private Quack! And why the attraction to Private Scar?! Very sinister, indeed!

Alice: I find it suspicious that [emphasis] we're always around when these bodies are found!

Austin: Please stop discussing the freak. [Approaches the body] Does anyone know this person?

Harvey: I doubt it, Private, but let's have a look! [takes a closer look at the body]

[Everyone gathers around the body.]

Alice: Hey! I think I know him - that tattoo on his behind looks familiar!

Clint: Hey, Bimbo, so you knew him. But do you know his name? We really need to figure out how those freaks are choosing their victims!

Alice: Well, excuse me for having a great memory for nice asses! I think his name was Stinkerson or something.

Harvey: [Scratches a sideburn] Not Pinkerton, was it? There's a fellow in Queens View by that name, though I don't think he owns a donkey.

Alice: That's the guy! Stinker Pinkerton! Let's go and rough him up!

Austin: [Points at the body] Isn't that him?

Alice: Uh, yeah, maybe we should just go and search his house.

Clint: Lead the way, Harv. [Wiggles his foot meaningfully.] I'll make sure we get in the door! [The party quickly leave and head to Pinkerton's, only to find "Police Line - Do Not Cross" tape surrounding the house. Standing here are FLECHTER and IMIMI.]

Alice: Oh no! Foiled!

Austin: It's okay. I know a way passed. [Slips under the line]

Alice: [Impressed] Wow!

Harvey: Quick thinking, Private Sleaze! Hurry now, troop! [squats stiffly and goes under the line]

Clint: [Follows Harvey under the line.] What are those two morons doing here, do you think?

Harvey: [Disgusted] Irritating the devil out of me, if you want my opinion!

Imimi: [Quickly approaches the party, holding his hand up, pretending to be blowing a whistle]

Harvey: [Waves awkwardly at Imimi] Yes, hello there. [keeps walking toward the house]

Flechter: [Spots the party] Ah! It's okay, Imimi, I think we need their help. [Approaches the party] Colonel, Colonel! It's good to see you!

Harvey: You need our help, eh? How can we be of service?

Chastity: [To Imimi] Can you pretend you're a robot stuck in a glass box?

Imimi: [Does a pretty unconvincing robot in a box]

Flechter: There's been an abduction, Colonel! Assaults!

Harvey: Who's been abducted, other than my only son?

Flechter: Stanley Pinkerton!

Austin: [Shakes his hand] Austin Sleaze, pleased to meet you.

Flechter: No! I mean Stanley Pinkerton has been abducted - and there are witnesses!

Dur: [Sighing] Hopefully it's not....

Alice: And these witnesses, are they of the frizzy hair annoying variety?

Flechter: No.

[The entire party lets out a collective sigh of relief.]

Flechter: I believe their hair is quite straight.

Clint: Well, in that case, bring 'em over! [To the party, conspiratorially.] I bet they tell us it's Professor Plum in the study with a wrench.

Flechter: Actually, they got a good look. They were attacked by four men out here, one a larger gentleman who seemed older, and three younger types, estimated to be in the their thirties.

Harvey: [Uneasily] Pinkerton, eh? Any notion why somebody would nab that fellow?

Clint: Besides him having a sissy name and a tattoo on his butt, that is!

Flechter: [Raises an eyebrow] So, you're familiar with him? What exactly is the er, nature of your relationship with Mr. Pinkerton?

Harvey: [Helpfully] Er, he met him at one of those fancy bath houses, no doubt. Isn't that right, Private?

Alice: [Nods] He's awfully clean.

Flechter: [Looks Clint up and down] Really?

Harvey: [Patiently] Clearly he's not a bit clean, but that's why he would need to go to the bath houses and whatnot, what! [To Flechter] And what were you saying about poor old Pinkerton? Any more leads on the bastards that nabbed him?

Clint: Hey! Why would I go to a bath house and spend time hanging around with guys when there's a perfectly good whorehouse just over .... well, just nearby!

Harvey: [Shocked] Not in Queens View, there isn't! This is a respectable town.

Flechter: That's right! [Gives Harvey a thumbs up and a big wink] Come on, I'll show you the scene of the crime. They were more careless than when poor old John D'Eau was kidnapped last night, we think they may have been interrupted.

[Everyone enters the house and head upstairs to a bedroom that's decorated in pink and frothy lace. FLECHTER sits on the tiny bed, holding a pink "My Enormous Horse" toy.]

Flechter: It seems the kidnappers left some clues behind!

Dur: CLUES! (Puts on his Dooby Scoob hat, a ball cap shaped like the head of the popular German Shepard star of the roaming kiddie acting group, Dooby Scoob and the Mystery Crew).

Dur: (To Fletcher, eyeing the pink horse enviously) Should you be messing with a crime scene like that?

Harvey: [Clearly bluffing] Yes, that horse tells us a lot, all right! [Waits expectantly for an explanation]

Flechter: [Protectively holding the horse] This isn't a crime scene!

Dur: It's not? (looks a little disappointed now holding a magnifying glass to help search for clues)

Alice: [Slightly perturbed at Dur peering at her with the magnifying glass] Er, if this isn't the crime scene, then why are we here?

Flechter: Because it's such a fun room! [Goes over to a dolls house] Look at this! All the tiny little furniture! [Excitedly to the party] It tastes like pencil!

Dur: Like pencil!? Where I'm from that's considered a delicacy! [Promptly snatches a miniature desk away from the house and bites off one of its legs]

Chastity: Oooh! A Ball-In-The-Cup. [Picks up a Ball-In-The-Cup and starts swinging frantically trying to get the ball in the cup to no avail] I used to be so good at this. [Starts singing over and over] Get the ball in the cup, don't muck it up. [Repeat]

Flechter: [Enthused at Dur's reaction] Doesn't it? [Picks up a tiny table] Mm-mm!

Alice: [Ducking to avoid getting a ball in the eye] Really? Really? [Picks up a small stool and eats it] Ew! Tastes like shit!

Come on! I had to go for it!

Harvey: [To Chastity, watching Dur in disgust] Sister, where the blazes is your tea towel and why aren't you smacking this quack?!

Clint: Huh! Just like on What the Hell is That Smell! [To Flechter.] And where the.. uh... poo is that clue?

Flechter: [Fishes out a small plastic bag] Here we go - it's a glove. Looks like a woman's one. [FLECHTER holds up a Hugio Choss glove, just like the type AUSTIN wears.]

Clint: Ha! So we're looking for a woman! [Gives Dur a glance.] Story of your life, huh?

Dur: That and a good warm meal!

Harvey: Or a duck! [roars laughing]

Flechter: Not only that - a woman who likes [dramatically takes out a half eaten golden honeyed locust] these!

Clint: [Quickly.] Hell, that doesn't narrow it down very much, does it? Doesn't everyone love those things?

Austin: Indeed, they are a very common delicacy!

Harvey: [Self-consciously dusting crumbs off his shirt] Indeed, I believe they give them away free at the grocery every third Saturday!

Flechter: Really? Then that makes it all the more odd that they've reported a rash of shop-lifting of golden honeyed locusts that occurs every third Saturday!

Dur: Do you think the rash of shop lifting has anything to do with the kidnappings? [Accidentally bumps Chastity as he moves about the room busily looking for more clues] Ooops pardon me sister.

Flechter: No, I didn't, but should I?

Dur: [Looks confused] Perhaps we should take this one case at a time?

Harvey: Good thinking, Private! [To Flechter] Any other clues?

Flechter: Just that the witness who was beaten up complained of terrible body odour from one of the assailants.

Harvey: [Startled] Oh, is that so? [To Clint, carefully] Probably some fellow who doesn't go to the fancy bath houses, eh?

Clint: [Carefully.] Yeah, probably. Is that one still open? You know, with... uhh.. the fancy baths?

Flechter: [Indignantly] I don't know! [Calms down] I mean, I don't know.

Clint: You know, Harv? Traveling dozens of miles to get here is dirty work!

Chastity: the cup, don't muck it up. [After many tries she eventually gets the ball to go in the cup] Look everyone! I got the ball in the cup playing the Ball-In-The-Cup game.

Flechter: You wait here, I'll get the witnesses - you can view the crime scene after. [Exit Flechter]

Alice: Hm, what kind of villains are we dealing with here? Women's gloves, half eaten locusts, unwashed muggers. I don't like it. I don't like it at all.

Clint: Me neither! Sounds like Smock's back or something!

Alice: Did she like golden honeyed locusts?

Harvey: [Stomach rumbles, drool visibly dripping as he speaks] Stop talking about golden honeyed locusts!

Dur: But it's a clue Colonel! We have to talk about clues to solve the mystery!

Chastity: [Puzzled] Why do you think it's a clue?

Austin: Everything must be treated as a clue. [Goes to put on his gloves] Hm, my gloves are missing.

Dur: The mysteries just keep piling up! What did they look like Austin?

Austin: They are Hugio Choss.

Alice: Uh, like the one that Flechter held up?

Austin: I didn't see it. I was busy admiring myself in the mirro

Harvey: [To Austin, sagely] They'll be in the last place you'd ever look! [To Flechter] Any more clues?

Chastity: [To Harvey, sagely] Of course they'll be in the last place you look. Why would you continue to look after you've found what you were looking for?

Alice: Because maybe you don't know that you've found what you were looking for until you don't find what you thought you were looking for? [Taps her head] Uncle Harvey is very observant, you know. Now, Mister Flechter, any more clues?

Austin: Flechter left a while ago to get the witness.

Alice: Gah!

Harvey: [To Dur] Aren't YOU Flechter?!

Alice: Ah! Suddenly it all makes sense! The, uh, the - hm. Actually, no, that doesn't make much sense. Hm. Where is he?

[ALICE opens the door and, as she does, FLECHTER and another man, ALEX FLICHTNER, come sprawling into the room, clearly having been listening at the door.]

Alice: [Steps back to avoid being knocked over] Ay! [DUR tries and fails to remove the mask]

Alex: ow!

Alice: [Furious] Oh for God's sake, dur, you're such an embarrassment! Everyone knows that it's old man Smithers! [Tries to take the mask off and fails] oh.

Dur: [Looks to Alice] Hmmm, this could only mean one thing... The mask must be super-glued to his head! [Dur rolls up his sleeves, spits in his hands and rubs them together intent on getting the non-existent mask off]

Alex: [Composes himself, and fixes Dur with an unwavering steely gaze] If you come near me again I'll ram my foot so far up your ass that I'll be able to kick [points to Alice] her in the face every time you open that disgusting, rancid mouth of yours. [Keeps staring at Alex]

Flechtner: [Gets up and dusts himself down] Er, yes. Well, I guess that takes care of the introductions!

Harvey: [Offers his hand to Alex] Greetings, good sir! Please forgive this idiotic quack. I'll give his a stern talking-to and set him right!

Alex: [Takes Harvey's hand, but doesn't look at him, instead keeping his glare on Dur, breathing heavily and with his nostrils flared in anger, even though he speaks very calmly] It's a pleasure to meet you, sir. However, and make no mistake about this, if any one attempts to remove a mask from my face I will hunt them down and kill them like dogs.

Flechter: [Echoing in a spooky voice] Like dogs!

Dur: [Lowers the magnifying glass slightly and takes a step back behind Alice] I think he's talking about you.

Flechter: [Echoing again] Yoooou!

Alice: I don't think so - [to Alex] Mr. Smithers, may I call you Old Man?

Alex: [Still eyeballing Dur, breathing in a disturbingly heavy way] No.

Alice: Were you talking to him or me?

Alex: [Nostrils flare a little more] Yes.

Clint: Stop trying to [with heavy emphasis] brow beat the witness, guys!

Alex: That's a very, very good idea.

Flechter: [Clearly a little disturbed at all the tension] Right! Let's look at some clues! I've put them in an envelope with a big question mark on the front of it. [Shows the party]

Alice: Looks more like a D with a piece missing to me.

Harvey: [Peers at the envelope, to Alice] Hmm, perhaps it's upside-down?

Clint: C'mon, Harv, who would be so stupid as to hold the envelope with all the evidence in it upside-down? All the evidence would fall out!

Flechter: [Looks down at the envelope] Uh, I'll be back in a moment. [Exit FLECHTER. ALEX remains, still staring at DUR, breathing very heavily, making a slight raspy sound as he does. Everyone stands around in an awkward silence for a few moments.]

Alice: [Conversationally] So, got a cold?

Alex: [Narrows his eyes at Dur] A minor chest infection.

Alice: Aw. Not bothering you too much, I hope.

Alex: [Still with his eyes narrowed] It's better now, thanks to these. [Holds out a pack of sweets to Alice without breaking his gaze on Dur]

Alice: [Takes one] Mm! Minty!

Alex: They're very refreshing.

Alice: I like them!

Alex: Hardly any illegal narcotic content at all.

Harvey: [Abruptly breaks the deafening silence] So, how about those Pricks, eh? Helluva season!

Alex: Actually, I'm more of a Kers fan myself. I'm from Wan originally.

Alice: So you like the Wan Kers?

Alex: [For once taking his gaze off Dur] Got a problem with that?

Alice: No! [Enter FLECHTER, carrying the envelope the right way around this time.]

Flechter: Now, where were we?

Harvey: Reviewing the evidence! Let's see what you've got in that thingy with the [studies the envelope and frowns] shepherd's crook on it?

Flechter: It's a question mark! [Harrumphs] Okay. Here's what we've got. [Empties the envelope out on the bed]

[There is a golden honeyed locust here, a Hugio Choss glove and a souvenir edition of "Religion for Dummies"]

Austin: [Picks up the book] Ah, this is an excellent book. [Flicks it open and looks momentarily horrified] My mistake. I thought it was "Religion IS for Dummies". This appears to be written by someone called Sr. Chastity Browne.

Chastity: Here you go, Mr. Sleaze [Signs the book "Austin, Phili loves you, CB :-)"]

Austin: [Looks down with distaste] What's a CB?

Chastity: Hey, wait a minute! [Grabs the book back from Austin and starts to examine it]

Austin: Yes, it is rather horrible, isn't it?

Chastity: [Points at the glove] Isn't that yours, Austin? [Looks at Austin with suspicion]

Austin: Which? The book in your hand that caused you to react so? No.

Dur: I think she means the glove [Dur stands over the glove and inspects it with his magnifying glass making sure to stay well away from Alex.] Perhaps we should ask the susp... errr, the witness what he saw.

Alex: [Sounding like he's about to explode] Why don't you ask me?

Dur: Ok Mr. Smithers! [Dur slips back behind Alice again] What DID you see?

Harvey: [To Alex] I'll ask you, fellow!

Alex: [Ignores Harvey completely, and starts addressing Dur in a genuinely warm and friendly way] I'm awfully glad you asked me that question, friend. I was here visiting Stanley and stayed the night. I went to the bathroom [winces a little] I've been terribly constipated recently [back to normal] and heard a commotion. I finished the chapter I was on and ran to his room, but he was gone. When I went down stairs, I could see him being bundled into a carriage. Fancy a mint? They're highly addictive.

Alice: I'd like one!

Dur: [Seems more frightened at Alex's sudden change of personality] Errr... yes well... what did the carriage look like?

Alex: It was blue, the registration was 4, it had two horses, the left rear tyre was slightly under inflated, a missing tail lamp and a scratch on the passenger door.

Clint: [To Flechter.] Look, you. You have all this evidence, and the witness's statement. What the hell are you still doing here? Shouldn't you be out getting donuts or something?

Flechter: Already got them! Would you like one? [Fishes a squashed donut out of his pocket]

Dur: [Trying to snatch the squashed, lint ridden doughnut from Flechter's hand before anyone else can get to it] You sure have a mind for detail Mr. Smithers!

Austin: Amazingly so, in fact.

[DUR expertly whips the donut from FLECHTER's hand.]

Alex: Not really, [starts giggling and laughing] It's my carriage!

Clint: Ha! So we can add grand theft: carriage to the charges! Guys, maybe we should see if we can find this carriage?

Dur: [Deftly cramming the Doughnut fully into his mouth, Dur sprays crumbs whenever he talks] Why was he crammed into YOUR carriage?

Flechter: We found the carriage - just off Jeopardy Lane. Hm, that's where you live, isn't it, Colonel?

Harvey: [Beams] Yes, lovely spot, isn't it?

Clint: Except for all the abandoned carriages!

Flechter: [Nods] Yes, it has got rather seedy recently. There has been a massive increase in the occurrence of kerb crawling and public drunkeness in what was otherwise a nice neighbourhood.

Alice: Yeesh, Clint. You stay there two nights and the place falls apart!

Clint: [Defensively.] Hey, there's nothing wrong with kerb crawling and public drunkenness!

Flechter: [Sighs] If only that were true. Now, if you're done with the clues, I'll need them back. You can talk to the other victims now - they were assaulted during the abduction.

Harvey: Thank you, good sir! We would like that very much.

Flechter: Right then, let's go.

[Exit ALL, except ALEX, who catches sight of a cabbage patch doll.]

Alex: What the hell do you think you're smirking at?

[Book VI, Act I, Scene VI. Another Bedroom. ALICE, AUSTIN, CHASTITY, CLINT, DUR, HARVEY and FLECHTER are here, having just arrived. Sitting on the bed is BRAD WILLIAMS.]

Brad: [Spots the party and lights up] Wow, thank Phili you guys are here, those cops are just incompetent fools, fools!

Brad Williams

Harvey: [Nods in agreement] And mimes, for Phili's sake! What the blazes is that about?! Could you tell us what happened to you, my good man?

Chastity: [To Brad] Bless you, my child! We are here to investigate this terrible crime. Please do tell us in your own words what happened.

Brad: I hate mimes, almost as much as I hate incompetent fools like him! [Points at Flechter, before turning to Chastity] Uh, okay. [Pause] Eek oog mag aromba, bogga, bogga sqweep [does a punching motion] sha-pow, sha-pow, swar, [drops head] squark.

Dur: [Looking appalled] How dare you! Sister Chastity does not look fat in that dress! [Everyone turns and looks at CHASTITY, sizing her up.]

Alice: Well, she does a [holds up her finger and thumb very close and opens them apart] teeny tiny bit!

Brad: [Horrified] That's not what I meant!

Austin: [Writing something in his notebook] We don't know what you meant, only what you said.

Harvey: [To Brad, sternly] You'd better shape up, chappie! Nobody accurately describes the good Sister in my presence! [All business] Now, let's have your story before things get out of hand!

Brad: But-

Flechter: [Steps up beside Harvey] Listen to the Colonel! We don't like people bad mouthing the police force, do we, Colonel? [Puts his arm around Harvey]

Dur: Now [to Brad] unless you have more insults for us, perhaps you should just tell us what happened.

Brad: [Hangs his head in shame] I'm sorry. I was walking by late last night when I saw someone being bundled into a carriage. There were three or four people trying get him in. I walked up to see what was going on and got hit from behind, and then the people putting the guy in the carriage turned and started beating the daylights out of me. Now, don't get me wrong, at first I was pleased to be getting some attention, as god knows I'm starved of it at home, I mean, the only time Ma speaks to me now is to say "push over, you're taking up half the bed" or when she's spilled her phlegm cup on her pillow and wants mine, so I thought it just might be some rowdiness, you know, a bit of horseplay, with the guys trying to be friendly, but it wasn't that at all. Then I wondered if it was something that they thought I'd said, because people seem to take an almost instant dislike to me, I don't know what it is, because I try to be friendly, you know, I'm a chatty guy, I'll talk about anything. I can talk about, well, let's see, local birds, international birds, birds of prey, domestic birds, parrots, pigeons, doves, wrens, thrushes, all sorts of stuff, and I think I know a fair bit about them, which is what you get from spending all that time on your own, locked under the stairs with just your "Big Book of Birds" and a few matches to keep you company. Well, that and the "Big Book of Big Birds", but really, it was already dark in there, and I didn't want to go blind from two ways. Anyway-

Alice: [To the party, stifling a yawn] I thought there was another witness?

Harvey: [Snoring loudly, awakened by Alice yawning] What's that?! No, no! I wouldn't say you're witless, niece! Besides, boys don't like girls to be smarter than them anyhow!

Dur: [Agreeing with Harvey] Or better at math. That's just rude.

Alice: [Disappointed] Hey!

Brad: [A little irritated] Anyway. They headed off in the carriage and I dragged myself home. It's just across the way, the house with all the male porn hanging up outside it. I know, I know, I've asked Ma to take it down out of public view, but she keeps putting it up. She does love her pictures.

Austin: [To Brad] You are a very disturbing man.

Brad: Thank you.

Chastity: Yet another dead end. What we need is a surprise witness with previously unknown information. Just like in the movies.

[Enter DOOGIE BROWSER, bursting through the door, holding a large book in one hand, and with the other arm in a sling.]

Doogie: [Stops and looked shocked] That's them, they're the witnesses, and I have the proof! [Holds up his book] I have the proof!

[Everyone looks at DOOGIE for a moment.]

Doogie: I mean, they're the kidnappers, I have the proof! [Holds up the book again] I have the proof.

Flechter: Well, that's good enough for me. You're all under arrest. [To Brad] You too!

Clint: [Does a slow burn.] You wanna look at the proof first, you freak? [Cracks his knuckles ominously and gives Harv a pleading glance.]

Brad: That's right, freak! [Stands uncomfortably close to Clint]

Doogie: I saw you with my own eyes! The six of you, with your fancy carriage, taking the poor man away to kill him!

Harvey: [Enraged] That is most probably a lie!

Dur: Yeah! We almost never do anything wrong. Well there was that one time, but it was Winter! I was cold and hungry and can't be held accountable for what I skinned and ate! It was dead when I found it I swear!

[Clears his throat and composes himself]

Dur: Besides, who said that the person who was kidnapped was killed?

Clint: Hell, if we were gonna kidnap someone, we wouldn't be incompetent enough to leave witnesses anyway!

Flechter: So you admit it!

Doogie: [Taken aback at Dur's question] Uh, no one! I didn't say anything about it!

Harvey: [Angrily] We admit nothing of the kind! In fact, my own son was recently kidnapped, so I am the victim, here!

Harvey: [Flustered] I don't like your attitude, Private Quack! Drop and give me 50!

Alice: 50GP? Wow!

Dur: [Looks up nervously from the floor] I don't have 50gp colonel!

Harvey: [Nods emphatically] Well, let that be a lesson to you, then!

Flechter: Uh, wait, I'm confused - why did the witness try to escape?

Harvey: [Triumphantly] Because he's the perp!

Dur: [Thoughtfully] I bet he was wearing a mask. It was probably old man Magoo trying to get us locked up and scare people out of the cave around queen's view so he can secretly harvest the gold!

Flechter: Then, he - he lied?

Flechter: This just isn't good enough at all! What is the world coming to? I mean, kidnapping, okay, I can understand that, but lying? What's the world coming to?

Dur: [Glaring at Flechter] At least he has a reason for wanting us, Queen View's premier investigating FORCE, out of the way. What's you excuse for being so ready to send us to the gallows?

Clint: [Guffaws.] That would be incompetence, doc.

Flecther: Oh, come on, let's not be so hasty - there's also a fair bit of laziness involved! In fact, when the local school set up a committee to give a prize in the local school to award laziness and incompetence. I was the natural choice.

Alice: Laziness and incompetence? Who won the prize?

Flechter: Well, I'm very lazy, so I tried to give it to myself.

Alice: And what happened?

Flechter: I ended up giving it to someone else by mistake.

Alice: Pretty incompetent.

Flechter: [Hangs his head] True.

Harvey: [To Clint, in a loud whisper] He is incompetent, all right, but I prefer to call him a quack. Takes the sting out of it because it sounds funny.

Alice: [Nods] It's like when we call you jerk or wanker, Stinky. What we really mean is that you're an idiot, but it wouldn't be nice to say that. Also, when we say Stinky. Or asswipe.

Harvey: Intelligently and tastefully explained, niece! [To Flechter] Now, we're waiting for our apology and [nods at Austin] possible financial restitution, if you please. [Waits impatiently]

Clint: Harv, shouldn't we be chasing that loser who tried to frame us instead of waiting for this guy to apologize?

Dur: [Still on the ground] Master Scar, what do we have left if not our pride?

Clint: [Smacks his fist into his open hand.] Hey, I'll be damn proud to beat the stuffing out of that goon when we catch him!

Alice: [Looks Dur up and down] A tatty red suit that's seen better days?


Dur: You have a red suit?

Alice: Why? Looking to replace yours?

Clint: [Laughing.] Get real, Bimbo! Does the doc look like someone who replaces his clothes?

Dur: [Agreeing] Yeah! Do I look like someone who... wait...

Alice: True! He's as likely to change his clothes as you are to clean yourself, Clint!

Clint: I don't know that I'd go *that* far. No need to be hard on the guy just because he's a doctor!

Chastity: All this nonsense is getting us nowhere. Let us get after the swine!

Alice: [To Clint] Swine. That's another name we often call you, but it doesn't mean we don't love you.

Austin : [Nodding in agreement with Chastity] I concur. Old Chassers may actually be correct, for once. We should try to catch the cad before he and his cronies strike again.


Harvey: Indeed, troop! These bastards must be stopped.

Hooray, welcome back!

Brad: Let's go, gang! [Heads down the stairs] Wow, this is really cool, it brings back memories of when Ma and I would go out hunting. She'd have her crossbow with the poison tipped bolts, I'd have nothing on only a filthy underpants that had seen better days. Of course, back then, I was the one being chased and she was the chaser, and boy did those bolts hurt. Hey, do you think it would be okay if I take off all my clothes? For old time's sake? [Stops and looks back] Hey! Where did they go?

End of scene, next one coming right up

[Book VI, Act I, Scene VII. The Street. ALICE, AUSTIN, CHASTITY, CLINT, DUR, HARVEY and FLECHTER are here, having climbed out the window as soon as BRAD left the room.]

Alice: [Dusting herself off] Phew! For a moment there I thought we were going to be stuck with him! [There is quite a bit of blood here on the glass, and DOOGIE clearly cut himself as he jumped out.]

Harvey: [Points at the glass] Let's track this fellow by following the trail of blood!

Alice: Good idea, Harv! Let's see. It looks like he started in that house over there [points to a house across and down the street where the blood leads to] and then came here. [Looks up at the window, puzzled] So he's back in the house?

Austin : [To Alice] It is a pitty that Brad's mother was not a better shot.

Alice: Yeah, I suppose it would be cool if she could come along with us!

[The party follow the blood, but keep a discreet distance back from the house. It's pretty clear that DOOGIE came in the front door.]


Dur: [Tenting his fingers nervously and looking to Alice] Errrr... ladies first?

Alice: By all means. Off you go!

Austin : [Carefully tries the door to see if it opens] Perhaps Mr Scar would like to go first? There may be some doors that need to be opened.

[AUSTIN slowly turns the handle and pushes the door in, with everyone holding their breath for fear it will make a sound. Incredibly, it moves very smoothly and silently.]

Alice: [Loudly] Wow! That's one quiet door! [Opens it in and out a number of times] That's incredible! And so quiet!

Dur: So much for the element of surprise!

Welcome back Dom!

Austin : [To Dur] With the number of elements stuck to you and Mr Scar I expect that they could smell your approach sometime ago.

[CLINT steps in, followed by HARVEY, ALICE, DUR, AUSTIN and CHASTITY. The trail of blood clearly leads to a door of a cellar door.]

Alice: There, by the cellar door. [Takes a sharp intake of breath] Cellar door! What a beautiful phrase! Can we all just take a moment to appreciate its beauty?

Chastity: Unfortunately, we have no time to admire the English language. We have a murderer to catch. [Moves behind Austin] You have a knack opening doors, Mr Sleaze.


Clint: [Distraught.] Oh no you don't! [Wiggles his foot and gives Harv a pleading look.]

Dom! Welcome back, bud! Get easy, one-click access to your favorites.

Harvey: Save your foot, Private! Let's try for a quiet approach with these slippery bastards.

Dur: I wasn't aware this group had a quiet setting...


Clint: [Clearly disappointed.] It's more of a not quite as loud setting. Okay, lawyer, get the door. Be a better sports nut! Let your teams follow you

Alice: This IS the quiet setting!

Harvey: [To Austin] How are you coming with that door, Private?

Austin : [Carefully checks the door to see if it is locked or trapped, saying nothing. Does the shoosh gesture with one finger over his mouth]

[The door is slightly ajar, and AUSTIN expertly slips it further open, checking around for any traps. There are stairs leading down into darkness.]

Alice: Wow! ANOTHER quiet door! What kind of oil are these guys using??

Austin : [Rolls his eyes at Alice's lound mouth. Carefully he works his way down into the cellar, checking to traps]

[The party follow AUSTIN down, with HARVEY next, then CLINT, ALICE, DUR and CHASTITY, although it's very, very dark down here, and the light from the open door doesn't reveal much.]

Austin : [lights his lighter, or a lantern if he has one]

[AUSTIN slips out a good sized lantern out of his slim pocket and lights it up. The cellar is quite large, and is full of chests and boxes, with a clear trail of blood leading behind one.]

Alice: [Whispering] Yeesh! How much blood has this guy lost? He must be unconscious by now!

Austin : This is like the basement in that strange house where we founf the good Trindle. [Carefully edges round to see if there is someone at the end of the blood trail]

Harvey: [Looks around] I see what you mean, Private! I don't like the look of this one little bit. Be ready for action, troop!

Alice: [Drawing her sword] I'm ready for anything!

[Suddenly a bunch of men wearing balaclavas leap out from behind the various boxes, as well as coming down the stairs. DOOGIE steps out from behind one of the boxes triumphantly, holding a bag of blood that's still spilling.]

Doogie: [Looking unbearably smug] And now, Clementines, you, murdering scum, you will die.

THere's a map on the way, but I need a different computer!

Chastity: By the divine power of my lord Phili, I create an orb of Light. [Attempts to cast a Light spell]

[CHASTITY's spell lights up the cellar completely, showing that there must be almost thirty people advancing on the party.]

Doogie: Scumbag devil worshippers! Murderers!

[CHASTITY's spell lights up the cellar completely, showing that there must be almost thirty people advancing on the party.]

Doogie: Scumbag devil worshippers! Murderers!

Austin : [Readies his sling shot and backs off to behind the safety of the rest of the party. To the baddies] Hold on one moment! Why on earth do you think we worship demons? Clemintine is just a hill we once visited, we dont belong to any cult or group or any other of those idiotic 'Clementine' groups!

Harvey: [Sword at the ready, charges to the front] Explain yourself, villain! You are the one at fault here, with your rabble-rousing and flim-flammery! We are innocent victims in your mad crusade to steal children and destroy windows!

Doogie: [Unimpressed] Sure, so you didn't sacrifice people on each of the last two nights?

Alice: No, but I'm starting to regret that we didn't sacrifice you!

Clint: Really! Didn't you hear that someone kidnapped Harv's... uh.... kid the other night?! We're just trying to find who's responsible for it!

Doogie: That was us! What are you? An idiot?

Alice: Why did you kidnap Harvey Junior?

Doogie: We thought it was Harvey.

Alice: What are you? Idiots?

Doogie: [Defensively] Not all of us!

Harvey: [Becoming enraged] Well, here I am, in the flesh! What did you want with me, if you're man enough to say it to my face?!

Doogie: I want to tell you that we're here to stamp out you and your kind. That your killing days are over. That Clementine will never inherit the earth. Oh, and that none of you will leave this basement alive. [Suddenly breaks into a smile] Hey! It's kind of like that show Clint was on, remember? It was about celebrities? In a basement? They wanted to get out of there? Hum, what was it called?

Alice: The Unbearable Lightness of Being?

Doogie: Uh, no, but anyway, we're going to cleanse the world of you filth.

Dur: Suits me.

[Everyone turns to DUR.]

Dur: Oh, sorry, I thought you said "your filth".

Clint: [Belligerent as always.] Bring it on! Geekier men than you have tried! Get easy, one-click access to your favorites.

Austin : [To Doogie} this is ridiculous, we have not murdered anyone, and we are not in truck or working for Clementine, which, to the best of my knowledge is a hill. [Indignantly] Who on earth wotks for a hill?


Chastity: [To Doogie] I agree with the lawyer for once. I have had many troubles with the Clementines and their various sects. If anything, I want them destroyed as much as you.

Doogie: Don't be ridiculous! We know you did it! [Throws the blood at Dur] Attack!

[All the BALACLAVANS charge in on the party. To their surprise, the party suddenly start to move very quickly, with CLINT hitting the one nearest him four times in quick succession, each of ALICE, HARVEY and CHASTITY hitting the ones nearest them three times, and each of DUR and AUSTIN slipping passed all the attackers on the floor and attacking them from behind, hitting the same person four times between them. After just a few seconds, four BALACLAVANs lie dead, and the rest all look shocked, especially DOOGIE.]

Doogie: Gulp!

Alice: [Amazed] Wow! That was really cool!


Clint: [Surprised as heck.] What the hell's going on here?! Get easy, one-click access to your favorites.

Harvey: [Impressed] You've stayed in top form, troop!

Doogie: [As everyone backs off] See! See what those devils are doing! That's the Clementine in them! Come on, men! For our children's future! Chaaaaarge!

[The BALACLAVANS charge in again, covering the party in impossible numbers, but the party hack and slash their way into them with incredible pace, sending heads and limbs flying. They get in some blows, but simply can't get near the party on account of their speed. After just a minute or two, they break off, and there are now just five of them left standing, including the obnoxious DOOGIE.]

Doogie: Oh no! My bag of blood is spilling all over me!

Alice: I thought you threw that over Dur?

Doogie: Oh. That's right. [Falls down dead]

[The remaining BALACLAVANs turn and run.]

Austin : [To Doogie, calmly checking his nails] As I was saying, we did not murder anyone, nor are we part of any Clementine worshiping group. [Shrugs] What makes you think we are? Appart from the fact that someone, probably the perpetrators of the murders, have been trying to frame us.

Austin : [Meticulously checks himself for blood and goo splatters, and finds none] Wow, how come we can move fast enough to dodge blood spatters? [Looks at the others, drenched in blood] Errm, could move fast enough to dodge blood spatters, if we wanted to.

Dur: Wait a second.... You just happened to have a bag filled with blood to lure us into your trap after your first ruse failed? Who does that?

Alice: Come on! How about moving fast enough to catch them? [Points at the fleeing Balaclavans] Let's get them! [Starts running, pretty slowly, then loses her shoe and has to go back and get it, then falls over a branch, then realises she left her keys behind] Hey! This isn't fast at all!

Did that help? Kevin Day Receptionist Hanson North America 300 E. John Carpenter Freeway, 15th floor Irving, TX 75062

Tel: 972-653-5500

Fax: 972-653-5616

Doogie: I want to tell you that we're here to stamp out you and your kind. That your killing days are over. That Clementine will never inherit the earth. Oh, and that none of you will leave this basement alive. [Suddenly breaks into a smile] Hey! It's kind of like that show Clint was on, remember? It was about celebrities? In a basement? They wanted to get out of there? Hum, what was it called?

Alice: The Unbearable Lightness of Being?

Doogie: Uh, no, but anyway, we're going to cleanse the world of you filth.

Dur: Suits me.

[Everyone turns to DUR.]

Dur: Oh, sorry, I thought you said "your filth".

Dur: [To Doogie] So you mean YOU aren't the ones responsible for the sacrifices?

E-mail should be working now.

Dur: Perhaps now you'd like to talk like semi-reasonable adults now! [Whispering to Austin] How did we do that?

Out of the office all day today, so no posting from me...

Harvey: [Starts running after the Balaclavans, very slowly, red-faced, huffing and puffing] Come on, troop, they're getting away!

Alice: Harvey's right, there's no time to waste, charge! [Almost bangs into Harvey at the bottom of the stairs and stops] Oh, sorry, excuse me. After you.

Austin : [looks through the boxes and searches the room for clues] We might get more information if we search this place, but we will have to be quick. [Checks his nails] I have a manicure appointment in 30 minutes.

[AUSTIN quickly opens some of the boxes, revealing that most of them are simply empty crates, and with others containing mainly clothes.]

Austin : [Dons some surgical gloves and carefully searches a few of the boddies. Finishes] Right lets get out of here!

[AUSTIN's search doesn't reveal anything of interest.]

Alice: Good idea, but, uh, does anyone have any clue about what just happened?

Harvey: Who needs a clue when you have a plan, dear girl! Follow me, troop! [continues chasing the Balaclavas]

Dur: Besides that, when do we ever know what's going on?

Alice: True. [Looks around] Hey! Where are we? [Runs up after Harvey, followed by the rest of the party]

[The party get to the street and there are no signs of the BALACLAVANS, although BRAD, FLECHTER and FLICHTER are here.]

Brad: Hey gang, what happened?

Dur: [Groans] I think I would have gladly faced a whole hoard of angry people wearing balaclavas than deal with these three again! [Thinks] Oh wait we just did that... [sigh]

Flichter: Balaclavas? You mean, the people who carried out last night's kidnapping?

Harvey: Yes, have you seen them?!

Flichter: Not since last night, I'm afraid, but I'd like to give those green headed bastards what for.

Brad: Me too! I'd get Ma to have a word with them. I'd tell her to -

Flechter: Oh, shut the hell up. No one cares about you and your Ma.

All the balaclavas that the party have clashed with have been black.

Harvey: [Baffled] Green?! They must have changed clothes to throw us off the trail, those sneaky bastards! They were wearing black when we saw them.

Flechter: So, uh, now, remind me. Am I supposed to arrest you?

Clint: No, you idiot! [Indicates Brad with a nod of his head.] Wouldn't hurt if you'd take him in though! Be a better pen pal.

Dur: [Eyeing Brad] Or treat him to a little police brutality.

Flechter: Okay, I'll see what I can do. [Handcuffs Brad]

Brad: Hey! Wait a minute!

Flechter: Come on, lad. We need to get you naked and start to work on you with a hosepipe.

Brad: Just like Ma!

Flechter: Not the way we do it. [Exit FLECHTER and FLICHTER.]

Dur: [Watches them leave] You don't think they are TOO persuadable do you?

Sorry, I made a typo. Brad left with Flechter. Flichter, the other witness, is still here.

Flichter: The cops in this town are idiots. The testimony given by that fake witness was in clear contradiction to mine, and yet he believed him. I mean, I clearly told him that I saw the kidnappers use a Lamborari to make their escape, but that other witness said something completely different!

Austin : [To Flitcher] Which other witness said what?

Flichter: What?

Alice: [Points at Flichter] He said that the kidnappers wore green balaclavas and had a lamborari, that other guy said they had black ones and drove a big carriage, but he was clearly lying to try and frame us for some reason. [Ponders] Although when we got back to their house, he seemed to think we had done something.

Austin : [Pondering in a sleuthly manner] Well, they kept on accusing us of being clementines, and I presume that they where not refering to the small, round and tastey orange coloured fruit, nor to the hill we know as Clementine, but rather to one of the cults that worship the hill known as Clementine, or the events that took place there a few years ago.

Chastity: [Correcting Austin in a smug and annoying manner] It's pronounced 'tasty'. [To Harvey] Colonel, I believe we need to do something about these various sects before they cause any more trouble.

FYI - I am out Wednesday-Friday this week.

Disposition-Notification-To: "Day, Kevin R. (Las Colinas) NA"

Dur: But what can we do about it? We don't even know anything about all these sects running around.

I will also be out Thursday-Friday this week.

Alice: And at least one of those sects seems to be using our carriage and giving us dreams!

And I'll be out for the next hour!

Austin : [To Alice] So did they steal our rental carriage, or did they steal the colonel's carriage, or is it oune that just looks like ours? [Incredulous;y] And how on earth could they be giving us dreams?

Clint: [Confused] I thought you stole someone else's carriage. But hey, who worries about details like that? We're gonna have to go kick someone's butt - but where should we start?

I'll probably not be out Thursday/Friday - but I will for the next few hours! Stupid Monday mornings...

Flicther: Maybe you should retrace your steps from last night? That way you can see who could have taken your carriage, and maybe who left the gloves and honeyed locust behind.

Clint: It was that Doogie freak, I tell ya. Guy with a name like that, of course he's a criminal! Get easy, one-click access to your favorites.

Harvey: Agreed, Private Scar, you can't trust a man with a name that a lady would give a poodle, what!

Alice: It's not Poodle, it's Podle!

Harvey: [Confused] Is that one of those very small, irritating poodles that you can turn into a tiny handbag?

Alice: [Holds up her itsy bitsy, teeny weeny purse] Sure is.

Purse: Bark! Bark!

[The party head back to HARVEY's house, leaving FLICHTER behind.]

Alice: [Once the party are safely inside] I'm confused. It's like there are two different groups trying to frame us.

Austin : [Does a fake worried look] Our mathematical genius is confused by the number two! We are in serious trouble. Perhaps all of the Clementine groups are trying to frame us?

Alice: [Rolls her eyes] I'm not confused by the number two. As a matter of fact, it's one of my favourite numbers. I'm confused by the fact that [dramatic point at Austin] your gloves were found at the scene as well as [whirls and points at Chastity] what appears to be your personal copy of a book, not to mention all these [waves her hands around] crazy dreams we've all been having!

Austin : [To Alice] And a golden honey eyed locust with accompanying pocket fluff! [Ponders] I wonder if it was actually one of my gloves [Searches through his bag]

Harvey: Indeed, it would seem there are scores of villains out to frame and confuse us, dear girl! But why? We've just been minding our business these last two years!

Alice: I don't know! Could the gloves and book have been stolen from here? [Points at the now repaired window] It's not like this is an easy place to break into, is it? And what on earth was going on when we killed all those balaclava types? Isn't anyone just the teeny tiniest bit curious about that?

Harvey: [Defensively] I just put it down to clean living and constant training! [Pats his sizable stomach proudly] Pure muscle, don't you know? And here I thought I was putting on weight! Clearly, I'm in prime condition!

Dur: If there's one thing I've learned in all my years practicing medicine it's this: Don't ask questions when things go right. When people start dieing and organs start disappearing, THAT's when you start asking questions. Questions like.... "What's the fastest carriage out of town", or "Hey, what are you doing with that pitchfork?!"

Alice: Well, I think we should search the house to see how Austin's glove and Chastity's book appeared at the scene of the crime.

Clint: Good idea. But could they have been pinched when someone nabbed the carriage? [Looks to Austin and Chastity questioningly.]

=A0 nabbed the carriage?=A0 [Looks to Austin and

Chastity: Actually it is Austin's book, look. [Points at where Chastity = signed the book for Austin]

Austin : [Considers the evidence] I think it must be more than that. It must be connected to the Path. [Explians] What happened in the cellar with our super natural speed and fighting ability was incredible, but [Looks astonished] To think that someone could have managed to steal Maplin's favourite glove from me without me noticing, well, well that is just plainly unbelievable, [Matter of factly] yet it happened. [Ponders] It is asif we have some evil twins running about trying to frame us.

Alice: [Heading up the stairs] Evil twins who have all the same stuff as us? Now [emphasis] that's unbelievable!

Harvey: Not if they're [enormous emphasis] identical evil twins, niece!

Clint: Now c'mon, Harv, who ever heard of an evil fraternal twin?! What would be the sense in that? Be a better pen pal.

Alice: Oh please, Clint! Haven't you ever seen a soap? Uh, hm. I suppose you haven't! It's a well known fact that all sets of twins have at least one evil person in there.

Dur: But what are the chances that each one of us has an evil twin out there causing trouble? Mathematically speaking of course...


Clint: [Outraged.] Who the hell watches that rubbish when they could be watching quality programming like "What the Hell is That Smell?" Be a better sports nut! Let your teams follow you

Harvey: [Halfway up the stairs] Wait a minute, troop. If this place has been robbed, I want to check on my [whispers] super-secret weapons cache! [Opens a nearby cabinet and looks inside]

Alice: Zero, Dur, like the number of people who wanted to be on Clint's awful programme!

[Everyone peers into HARVEY's closet and see that there are some weapons in there in a pile, all covered in blood. Also in there are a bunch of green balaclavas, one of which appears to be made of a beautiful silk.]

Alice: Yeesh, Harv, is that how you always keep your - green! Didn't Flichter say that the kidnappers had green balaclavas?

Harvey: [Gasps] That's impossible! Only I know the passcode for this closet. Troop, none of us are safe with these evil identical twins running amok!

Clint: [Stares at the balaclavas for a moment and then blinks in surprise.] What the hell is going on here?! I could swear we've been in this position before, throwing the weapons and balaclavas into the closet! Get easy, one-click access to your favorites.

Dur: [Nods in agreement] I suddenly remember that very same thing! Maybe we don't have evil twins then... Maybe someone has been controlling us! But who would want to do such a dastardly thing?

Alice: [Looking pale] And I can remember us getting this stuff out of the cupboard! Maybe those dreams we had about that guy being sacrificed weren't dreams - maybe we did it!

Harvey: [Firmly] Nonsense, niece! I have no memory of any of this, and there's no way this closet could be opened without the passcode. This is some evil twin mumbo jumbo, like we said before!


Clint: I was thinking the same thing! But what about those dreams before we all met up here? We were all having them, but nobody was missing! Be a better sports nut! Let your teams follow you

Dur: But we dreamed that we were being sacrificed too... didn't we? How does that work?

Alice: [To Dur] I don't know - maybe our minds were trying to protect ourselves or something? You know, remembering it as us being the victims and not the aggressors? [To Clint, shrugging] Idunno. It's just that, well, if we did do those sacrifices, maybe it could have something to do with Clementine and us having that super speed thing?

Austin : So we were not dreaming, we were under mind control, and commited the murders. [Looks a little pale] That would explain everything. [Grabs a tea towel from the kitchen and uses it to put the green balaclavas into the fire place and sets them alight, looking very concerned] So how do we stop this mind control?

Harvey: Gah, Private Sleaze, that's evidence! We couldn't have done these terrible things!

Alice: Then we killed those people? Sacrificed them? Do you think that our super speed thing could have resulted from that?

[There's a knock on the door.]

Paul is away for the next few days

Chastity: [Worriedly fanning herself] Maybe Mr. Sleaze did it, Colonel? Maybe that's why he's destroying the evidence!

[There's another knock on the door.]

Alice: [Quietly] Everyone be quiet! Maybe they'll go away!

[Time passes, and everyone gives a sigh of relief.]

Alice: Okay, here's what -

[There's yet another knock on the door.]

Alice: Gah!

Austin : [Most indignantly] I am not destroying evidence! Those balaclavas were an afront to mankind! [Points at the bloody weapons] Those weapons are ample evidence. [Peeks through the window to see who is at the door]

[AUSTIN can't quite make out who's at the door, but there's a placard carrying mob standing across the street. They seem somewhat irate, but are keeping their distance.]

Protester: [Holding a sign that says "Down With This Sort of Thing"] There they are! Inside! Knock again!

Austin : [Sighs] Love or hate us, why oh why do they have to follow us around in vast crowds? I have a terrible paranoid feeling that Contagion, or perhaps one of his cronies may be behind the mind control, or worse still, one of the demons who wanted to take over the universe.

Harvey: [Stubbornly] I believe you meant to say that they're probably behind the evil twinnery, Private!

Alice: Maybe it was one of their evil twins that did it?

[The front door opens. Enter PENNY FARTHING, a woman in her late twenties dressed in the most awful frumpy looking secretary type outfit.]

Penny: Hello? [Looks back out] Hit his hokay, the door is hopen. [To the party] Hi, my friends, may hi disturb you?

Austin : [To Penny] You already have, but we were disturbed anyway by the hostile crowd gathering outside. How may we help you?

Penny: Hit his hi who can help you. There his han hangry mob who want to burn you hat the stake. His this a convenient time?

In a meeting for an hour, might be able to sneak a few mails

Quoting Conor Ryan :

Austin : [To Penny] And how will being burned at the stake help us?

Dur: Or be convenient for that matter? Can't you see we're in the middle of an investigation?

Penny: Hit won't. Hit will help us. Hi ham making hit more convenient for you.

Penny: My hapologies, but there is ha mob, hand they hare hangry. [Turns to the mob and gives them a "come on" gesture]

[The mob rumble angrily, although it isn't clear what their problem is.]

Harvey: [To Penny, politely] Miss, just what is bothering this crazed mob?


Dur: [Tries to give the mob a "stop" gesture to negate Penny] Well if they're hungry, I'm sure Sister Chastity will be more than happy to make a few dozen sandwiches and some iced tea. Heck, we could make a day of it! But how the pitchforks and burning brands are going to help them get something to eat?

Austin : Why on earth do the want to burn us?

Penny: Hall they hunger for is justice! They know you killed those men. On 21/11/2007, Day, Kevin R. (Las Colinas) NA wrote:

Austin : [To Penny] What makes them think we killed which men?

Clint: They're a mob, lawyer - do they really need a reason?! [Gets himself ready to try to hold the door so that the party can slip out the back if worst comes to worst.] Get easy, one-click access to your favorites.

Penny: John D'Eau and Stanley Pinkerton, their bodies have been found, halong with your crazy devil worshipping sign!

Harvey: [Outraged] What crazy devil worshipping sign?!

Penny: This hone! [Holds out a picture]

Alice: That's a picture of a man with a bicycle on his head.

Penny: Hexcuse me. [Shows another picture. This time it is the pattern that the party saw drawn in blood on the walls of the two sacrifices.]

Harvey: [Looks at the photos] We don't even know what those symbols mean! Besides that, can you not see we have a holy person in our troop? Why the devil would she follow a pack of evil-doers?!

Penny: Because she his not ha holy person, she his marked by the sign, [with disgust] growing out of her!

Chastity: I most certainly am not, young lady. [Fretfully] Who would have believed that someone with such a nice bow could be so rude?

Austin : [To Penny] What sign, where? [Stares at Chastity]

Penny: Hin the same place has hyou!

Chastity: I certainly do not!

Harvey: [Blushing furiously. To Penny] Miss, I'll thank you not to accuse the Good Sister of tatooery! She would never indulge in such a crass form of expression, and I'll be damned if I stand silent while you suggest she reveal her holy underparts to you or anyone!

Penny: This his not tattooification! This his hinfection! Hand not yust Sister Chastity - hall hof you!

Harvey: There's not a mark on me, save the battle scars any self-respecting soldier should bear!

Mob: Boo! Hiss! [More angry calls and waving of placards]

Penny: Liar! You hall bear hit, hin the small hof your back!

Harvey: Nonsense! [To Alice, raising the back of his shirt gingerly] Niece, kindly tell this silly woman all I have on the small of my back is a scar resembling a rabid terrier!

Alice: Sure, Unc! [Takes a look and gives a gasp of horror, before composing herself and speaking in a very stilted manner] All he has on the small of his back is a scar resembling a rabid terrier.

Austin : On the small of my back? [Dashes to the bathroom to check in the mirror, returning moments later] Not a single rabid terrier in sight!

Penny: Sure, but you have the sign! Hall hof you!

Harvey: [Touches the back of his back and looks disturbed] By the saints, the terrier is now foaming at the mouth! Troop, we might have a problem here!

Alice: Ew! Harvey! [Calms down a little] That was a masturbation reference, right?

Harvey: What?! For Phili's sake, I'm a married man, niece!

Dur: Even more of a reason! But perhaps we should turn our attentions away from the colonels personal habits and onto the matter at hand! Excuse the pun!

Chastity: I'm feeling a little queasy. What can this mean? [Swoons]

Austin : [To Chastity] That your aging digestive system is no longer able to cope with even the most simple and basic foods?

Harvey: Now, you mind yourself, Private Sleaze! [To Chastity, reassuringly] 70 is younger now than it was in our parents' day, after all!

Alice: [Gives a horrible smelling burp] Well said, Harvey! I know for a fact that I don't have that mark. [Turns her back to the baying mob and shows the small of her back]

Mob: She has the mark!

Alice: [To the party] Huh. I don't know what's weirder, that I have it, or that they all speak in unison.

Mob: We practice a lot.

Random mob member: .. lot. Doh!

Sorry for the silence, stuck in a meeting all day

Dur: [To Alice] Honestly! Of all the body parts your prone to flash over the course of any given day, you had to choose the small of your back at this very moment?

Clint: Relax, doc! Worst that can happen is they try to burn us at the stake or something. You get used to it.

Okay, so I wasn't around Friday after all... Hi, everybody! Be a better pen pal.

Alice: I was just trying to prove there's nothing there! [Shows it to the party] Well?

[It is unmistakably the same pattern that the party saw, and each of the circles look like small raised bumps. The whole pattern is about two inches in diameter.]

Chastity: This is indeed terrible. Perhaps we should let the angry mob do as they please. I cannot live knowing that I may be responsible for these gruesome deaths.

Dur: Errr... [nervously at the thought of being burned at the stake] Maybe we can try to figure out exactly what's going on before we decide that burning to death is our best route! [Looks at the mark] What's with these bumps? It almost looks like a rash... [attempts to examine Alice's mark]

Alice: Nah, a rash would be all red and on your front bottom.

[The bumps are smooth and fairly rigid.]

Penny: Hexcuse me. [Steps out of the house, before turning to the mob] Himmoliate hall hevil!

Mob: [In perfect unison] What?

Penny: Himmoliate hall hevil!

Mob: [Again in perfect unison] What are you talking about? We can't understand a word you're saying.

Penny: Oh for God's sake! Burn them! Burn the house down around them!

Out all day, so no posting from me!

Austin : [To the mob, severly, fixing many of the people with a steely stare as he looks around the crowd] Stop this nonsense! We are not evil! Someone evil has set us up, to get you kill us, so that you will be murderers! Then you will be evil!

aussie attempts to use his power! au

Mob: [All together, as they charge towards the house, with many of them hurling bricks at it] That's fine with us, because we believe that there are degrees of evil, and that sometimes an essentially evil deed, if performed for good reasons, can actually be good.

Harvey: [To the mob] Have you forgotten who we are?! We are your heroes of the Queens View Party! We once saved the world from utter destruction!

Rioter1: Thanks for letting us know. It'll be handy if you manage to escape and we have to hunt you down like the verminous scum you are. Let me just write that down.

Rioter2: Here, use my t-shirt.

Rioter1: Thanks. Hey! That's a Queens View Heroes t-shirt, with all of their pictures on it! [Laughs] Boy, that's kind of ironic, isn't it?

Rioter2: It sure is - not to mention convenient. Now we have their pictures too!

Alice: [As a flaming brick comes crashing through the window] We gotta get out of here!

Clint: [Trying to barricade the door so the rest of the party can get out the back.] Now what gave you that idea, Bimbo?! Move it, guys!

I hope I'm not replying to something about 8 posts back, but this is the last one I have and the last one I see on the site, so here goes pretty much nothing! Get easy, one-click access to your favorites.

Chastity: [To Harvey] Colonel, is there another way out of here? A back passage perhaps?

Alice: [Picks up the flaming brick] This, Stinky. Hm. Is it me? Or did it suddenly get warm in here?

Nope, you were okay Tom. Things were just reeeeally quiet today!

Harvey: Let's move out, troop!

[The party race out the door to where ALICE's carriage is waiting.]

Alice: Hey! All our luggage is still in the house - maybe we should go back and get it?

[Everyone glances back to see the mob come charging out of the house which is now in flames.]

Harvey: Too late for that, niece! Let's get to safety and sort out this mess!

Austin : [Moving swiftly for the back door] I think we should borrow a swift getaway carriage.

Alice: [Pointing to a carriage that's zooming away from a bank] How about that one? That looks pretty swift!

[The carriage zooms passed them.]

Alice: [Annoyed, pointing at another] Let's just take this one instead.

[The party load into the carriage and zoom off into the distance.]

End of act. Next one coming up on TUESDAY. I'm off to the Cheese Capital of the World for some research!

Someone help me out. The cheese capital of the world is...?

Alice: [Pointing to a carriage that's zooming away from a bank] How about that one? That looks pretty swift!

[The carriage zooms passed them.]

Alice: [Annoyed, pointing at another] Let's just take this one instead.

[The party load into the carriage and zoom off into the = distance.]

End of act. Next one coming up on TUESDAY. I'm off to the Cheese Capital of the World for some research!

.... Wisconsin? Kevin Day Receptionist Hanson North America 300 E. John Carpenter Freeway, 15th floor Irving, TX 75062

Tel: 972-653-5500

Fax: 972-653-5616

Someone help me out. The cheese capital of the world is...?

Alice: [Pointing to a carriage that's zooming away from a bank] How about that one? That looks pretty swift!

[The carriage zooms passed them.]

Alice: [Annoyed, pointing at another] Let's just take this one instead.

[The party load into the carriage and zoom off into the distance.]