THE QUEENS VIEW AFFAIR, BOOK V, Act XII

[Book V, Act XII, Scene I. A carriage heading away from Euphoria towards the surface. ALICE, AUSTIN, BRYAM, CLINT and HARVEY are here, with HARVEY driving.]

Alice : I suppose he did have a point - do we really know anything about those things? Wilberforce, Monty's brother. defeating Jerome

Bryam: Do we really need to know anything? I thought we were here just to deliver the wand and [struggles to remember] I think we've done that properly

Alice : Yes, but we can't have some crazy lady going around insulting Austing - that's our job! And we do want to stop Jerome and Dangsten, right?

Austin : [Goes to say something then stops and frowns. To Alice] Perhaps we should track down this Clemetine chap.

Harvey: I can't see what difference it makes, dear girl! We've all endured the slings and arrows of rumor at one time or another. [Gets a faraway look in his eyes and sighs nostalgically, then booms] Out-of-touch, addipated featherbrain, eh?! Say it to my face, coward!

Alice : [Slightly alarmed] Uh, yeah. Good idea, Aus. Those elves did seem to think that he was the key to defeating Jerome and them. Hey! [Points at a figure standing in the middle of the road] Maybe he knows!

[Enter CRANER MICHAELS, who is standing in the middle of the road holding a match, and with a pipe in his mouth. HARVEY jams on the brakes and stops about an inch from him.]

Craner : [Striking the match off the carriage and lighting his pipe] Mm. Much obliged, I'm sure.

Craner Michaels

Clint: Hey, get out of the road! You're just lucky Harv was driving!

Havey: [To Craner] Have you got a death wish, man?! Everyone knows the proper place to enjoy a nice after-dinner smoke is a gentleman's club, what!

Craner : [Puffs furiously on his pipe] True! True! [Dramatically] In a civilised world, that is. [Rubs his hand through his hair and then looks at it, and is seemingly surprised] You gotta get out of here!

Austin : [Spots the pipe and frowns. To Alice] I think he want's to speak to us. [o the pipe smoker] Do you want to converse with us?

Clint: Well, if you weren't in the middle of the road, we would *be* getting out of here! [Pauses] But why do you mention it?

Craner : Converse? Converse? [Thinks for a moment, puffing away furiously on his pipe] Why, yes I do. But not here, no sir, it's far too dangerous. Far too dangerous. [Repeats, getting lower each time] Too dangerous. Too dangerous. Too dangerous.

Craner : You gotta take me with you! [To the horse] Can't you talk to them for me? Don't you see what's going on here? [To the party] Listen to the horse!

Alice : Well, we can barely hear him because [hardly able to contain herself with the brilliance of her wit] because he's a little hoarse! [Laughs so hard that milk comes down her nose]

Bryam: [Handing Alice a handkerchief. To Craner] Calm down. Why can't you tell us here?

Alice : [Looks at the handkerchief in disgust, holding it by a corner] What the hell have you been wiping with this?

Craner : [To Bryam] Because your carriage is about to explode.

Austin : What! [Jumps down from the carriage and runs for cover] Run!

Bryam: On it! [Leaps off after Austin]

Harvey: [Tries to pull Alice out of the carriage] Retreat, troop!

[AUSTIN and BRYAM collide with each other on the way out, and the party can see that there is a trail of oil leading from the carriage back behind some rocks, and that it has been set alight and that the flame is rapidly approaching the carriage. Seconds before it hits, a burst of water coming from behind the carriage extinguishes it.]

Alice : Huh!? What just happened there?

Craner : Your carriage didn't explode.

[Enter OLIVER SALAD, coming around from the back of the carriage.]

Oliver : [Smiling brightly at the party] Once again, mountain fresh water comes to the rescue! [Bows] Oliver Salad, at your service.

Oliver Salad

Clint: [Suspiciously] Aren't you that lunatic who travels around telling people about the evils of beer, beef, and 'baccy?!?

Harvey: [Perplexed] What in blazes are you talking about, chappie?!

Craner : [Nodding in agreement] He's right, it's a terrible drain on your vitamin A resources!

Bryam: [Looking shocked] Smoking? Bad? Are you crazy?

Clint: Of course he is! [Pulls out another cigar and lights it up.] How could this be wrong?!?

Austin : [To Oliver and Crainer] Do either of you know who tried to blow up our carriage?

Craner : [Watching the plastic bottle of spring water bounce off Clint] Yes sir. Yes I do.

Bryam: [Sighing] Tell us, please. Who tried to blow up our carriage?

Austin : [Still standing well back] Yes, apparently it was. Perhaps you could be a good fellow and take a look underneath and see if there is anything untowards down there?

Bryam: Nothing dangerous I'm sure. Just something explosive maybe [Goes to look at what is under the carriage]

Craner : [Looks over his shoulder and then from side to side, clearly concerned about someone listening in, before whispering] Mbu Bgu.

Alice : What?

Craner : [Goes through the same motions but this times speaks a little louder] Ambu Bargu.

Alice : What?

Craner : [Loudly] Ambu Baragu!

Alice : [Panicked] Ambu Baragu?

Craner : Yes! [Shouting] Ambu Baragu!

Alice : [Dead calm] Never heard of him.

Harvey: [To Craner] And just who is this Ambu, er, Deetoo fellow? He sounds foreign.

Craner : He's a crazy man! He's the dictator here - ruling with a rod of iron.

Harvey: And he blows up carriages at random?

Craner : What do you think he is? Crazy?

Alice : That's what you just said!

Craner : He blows up any carriages that pass through his lands.

Bryam: [Looking underneath the carriage] What does he do to people who just walk through?

Austin : [Raises an eyebrow] He sounds like a rather antisocial fellow. [Frowns] With a rather odd name.

Craner : Blows 'em up.

Alice : [Nods] Rather!

Austin : [To Craner] What is his motivation in all this, exothermic antisocial behaviour?

Harvey: [Nods] Yes, and why do the people continue to follow this madman?!

Bryam: [Shaking his head] Not another violence enthusiast. I'm sure that sort of thing is caused by a vitamin deficiency, you know

Craner : He's a dictator, that's why! [Turns to Austin, making a bonkers motion] He's c-c-crazy!

Austin : [Looks from Oliver to Craner and back] Seems to be quite the fashion these days. [Has a look under the carriage to see if it can be defused]

Clint: [To the party, ignoring Craner] Yeah, this guy's a loon - are we sure he's not just talking about his imaginary overlord?

Austin : [To Oliver] Well, I suggest that you prove your skills by making a sandwich for the Colonel, although preferably one without explosions.

Alice : Maybe, but someone set fire to that oil. [Peers under the carriage] Hm, and someone stashed a small barrel here too, look!

[It looks like someone placed the barrel there and then made a trail of oil back to behind the rocks.]

--- F \ No newline at end of file

Austin : [Carfully inspects the barrel, checking for booby traps, then tries to remove the barrel] Carriage hire firms just aren't what they used to be! Hard to believe they can get insurance! [Pauses] I wonder if they do.

Clint: Not if Alice is driving!

Alice : [With a dismissive wave of her hand] Ah, I haven't been legally allowed to rent a carriage since I was seventeen.

Craner : Mm, good, good. [Taps the barrel of oil with his lit pipe] You had a close escape there, my friends!

Alice : [Does a double take on Oliver's quick hands] Wow! Do it again! Do it again! necessarily reply to

Harvey: [Astonished] Well done, my boy! [Reaches for the sandwich, drooling]

Craner : [Knocking some of the embers out of his pipe against the barrel] Yes sir, a close escape indeed!

Austin : [Edges away from carriage to a safe distanc incase it explodes, nervously looking around for the person who might have lit the oil] This place does not improve with age.

Bryam: [Also edging away from the carriage] Oliver, this man [gestures towards Craner] is still smoking

Craner : Nu-uh! [Holds up his unlit pipe] See?

Harvey: [To Bryam, shaking his head] It's beneath a soldier's dignity to tattle, Private! Why, I'd give anything to put you through proper basic training. I'd make a man of you, yet!

Craner : We gotta get out of here! We gotta go!

Austin : [To Craner] Perhaps you would be so kind as to remove the barrel from beneath the carriage.

Craner : Sure thing, buddy! Now, let's see. [Lights a match and bends down to look at it] Well, it's oil alright, and pretty leaky too, by the looks of things.

Harvey: [To Craner] Er, do you really want to light a match near all that mess?

Craner : To see, my good fellow, to see! [Turns to Oliver, rubbing his (own) backside] Butt leaky, eh? Well, I can't say I'm entirely satisfied, you know.

Austin : [Calling from a distance] I concur with the colonel, it is most unwise to hold an ignition source close to highly flamable substances!

Harvey: One might even say it is [dramatic pause] madness! [Squints and looks closely at Craner] Say, you wouldn't be a mad dictactor bent on destroying our carriage, would you?!

Craner : [Steps back wounded] No! [Caresses the carriage for a moment] I'd never destroy something so beautiful.

Clint: [Looking at the match and the barrel of oil] I'm not so sure about that! But let's get going! Some bastard tried to blow us up, and I'm sure he's wondering why he hasn't heard an explosion yet!

Austin : [Pondering] Yes Mr Scar, and of course, some one would have to stop the carriage so that the oil could be lit and the flame could ignite the barrel. [Frowns and looks at Craner, holding the match]

Craner : [Nods] True, true. [Points his match in the direction where the trail of oil leads] Maybe we could ask them?

Craner : Nope, didn't see anyone!

Clint: Hey! Don't talk about Harv that way!

Alice : Oh my God! Where is Harvey? [Glares at Craner] What did you do to Harvey?

Harvey: Here, dear niece, not to worry! I think you and Mr. Scar misheard this chappie, eh? He was on the lookout for an OLD man, you see!

Alice : [Jumps in surprise] Ah! There you are!

Craner : Mystery solved! Now, let's get moving.

Austin : [Cautiously follows the oil trail to look for the attacker. To Craner] Thank you for your help, bye [waves without looking, keeping his attention on the oil trail]

Craner : [Appealing to the party] Come on! I mean, come on! [Looks at Austin for a moment] Come on! You're not going to leave fine, well dressed fellow like him behind, are you? What is wrong with you people? You know, we are living in a society, with rules, and social norms!

Austin : [To Craner] If it is rules and social norms that you desire, then I am pleased to inform you that you are currently the prime suspect in an attempted mass murder. [Continues to follow the oil trail]

Harvey: [To Craner] What in the name of fried green tomatoes are you talking about? The troop doesn't leave any soldiers behind, even if that soldier is a lawyer!

Craner : [Nodding vigorously] And rightly so! [More calmly] What's the about mass murder?

[AUSTIN has followed the trail over to some large rocks, and it goes behind them.]

Harvey: [Attempts to follow Austin over the rocks, calling out to Austin] See anything over there, Private?

Austin : [To Harvey] Just some rocks, so far, colonel!

[Enter MARCEL RHAMES, an enormous, 6' 8" man who is very muscular. He is wearing a very expensive looking suit jacket over what appears to be a torn and ripped strait jacket.]

Marcel : [With a very cultured accent] Good afternoon, gentlemen. Is there any way that I could be of assistance to you on this fine day?

Harvey: [To Marcel] Thank you, good sir, but we are getting along just fine. Say, that is quite an interesting waistcoat you've got there! Is that the, er, style in these parts?

Austin : [Suprised] Aaah, good day to you. We are looking for the person or persons who attempted to blow up this carriage, or any information pertaining to there whereabouts.

Marcel : [To Harvey] Not quite yet, sir, but I am something of trail blazer in the world of haute coture, so one wouldn't wonder that one would see them more often in the near future. [Bows slightly to Austin] The aforementioned carriage to which you refer, in reference to the attempted explosion is in fact, the target of an explository exposition by my good self.

Alice : [To Oliver and Bryam] It's okay, I don't understand it either, they're talking legal.

Harvey: [To Marcel] None of that double-talk, chappie! Let's have it in plain language, man-to-troop!

Clint: [Looks to Austin] Are you going to translate, lawyer? The rests of us don't speak your jibber-jabber!

Alice : [Nods] He's right - the heretofore-afore-preforementioned party of the third party's first aforementioned heretofore-mentioned prior notarized third party's first party haven't a clue what you're on about.

Marcel : [To Harvey] I apologise for my lack of clarity. I was merely trying to convey the fact that the person responsible for the egregious attack on your carriage was, in fact, myself, and that I would greatly appreciate it if you would [suddenly looks ferocious and snarls] shut your fucking piehole and surrender before I exterminate every mother fucking last one of you. [Dead calm again, as he picks up an impossibly delicate china tea cup and takes a drink] Oh, excuse me, you must find my manners atrocious. Would you like some tea?

Harvey: [Pulls out his sword and attacks Marcel] No, thank you, villain!

Marcel : [Punches Harvey right on the nose before he gets a chance to swing] Please sir, behave. You are making a spectacle of yourself!

Alice : [Draws her sword] You wanna spectacle, eh? You've found the right people. Clint, break out the sunglasses!

Clint: Right! [Puts on a rather ratty pair of sunglasses, draws his sword, and moves up to stand with Harvey.] The only person allowed to wreck our carriage is us!

Bryam: [Stepping away from the carriage and Marcel] You lot never miss a chance, do you

Austin : [Fires his sling shot at Marcel, from a distance] Attempted murderer!

[AUSTIN fires twice, with both shots hitting MARCEL, but he hardly flinches, and draws his sword.]

Marcel : Please forgive my unforgivable actions.

[CRANER leaps into the carriage.]

Harvey: [Sword poised and ready. To Marcel] Explain yourself, sir! Why should we forgive your unforgivable actions?!

Marcel : Because if you don't you will almost certainly feel the need to exact revenge, and I fear that such a choice would irrevocably lead to a breakdown in our relationship such that all future dealings would be tainted.

Craner : [Starting up the horses] See you, Suckers! Away! [The carriage moves on a tiny bit] Hey, what gives?

Alice : I think the handbrake is on.

Craner : [Tries it] I can't get it off.

Alice : Let me try, there's a knack to it.

[ALICE gets into the carriage and, between them, she and CRANER get the handbrake turned off.]

Craner : Much obliged, ma'am.

Alice : [Getting out of the carriage] No problem. Happy to help.

Craner : See you suckers! Away! [Roars off into the distance]

Alice : Hey!

Bryam: [To Marcel] What were your orders? To kill us, or destroy our carriage? Just out of interest

Harvey: [To Alice, scolding] Niece, what have I told you about helping strange men with their handbrakes?! On 01/06/07, Samuel wrote:

Alice : [Wearily] That men should be able to pull their own handbrakes and that a girl who gets into a carriage with a strange man to pull his handbrake will almost certainly be given a ride.

Marcel : It's really rather left up to me. Typically my inclination would be to kill you, cut off all your fingers and carry them around with me for nose and/or ass picking emergencies. His Lordship, however, would prefer to keep you alive.

Clint: Well, that's good! [Stares off at the party's carriage making its getaway.] And that's bad!

Voice : [Sounding more petulant] Hey! I said to stop! conor@pyrrha.csisdmz... address sort that out in the

Harvey: [To Alice, surprised] What have you got against us destroying this roadblock, my dear?

Alice : [Sounding petulant] Hey!

[A man, in his late teens or early twenties, GILL BATES, steps out from behind the undergrowth. When he speaks, he does so in the style of someone who's voice is breaking, sometimes sounding deep and other times high pitched.]

Gill : You'd better stop, or there's gonna be trouble!

Gill Bates

Clint: Oh yeah? Why? Is there something bad ahead? A nasty virus that will infect us all? Some kind of magical whatsis... say a screen of death? What?

Harvey: [To Gill] Sir, are you threatening us?!

Gill : [Taking a hit of his inhaler] It's a blue screen. [To Harvey] Yes, old man, I am, what are you going to do about it?

Craner : [Crouched down in the carriage, trying to get party's attention with a loud whisper] Hey! Hey! [Very, very loud] Hey!

Clint: He's got a blue screen of death ahead? Uh-oh. [To the party] What are our options? I would think we could give up, come back later, or assume he's lying. So what's it gonna be - abort, retry, ignore?

Alice : I've got a fourth option. We could pretend to leave but then [dramatically] we could rush him, blowing him to geeky hell! [Draws her sword and proudly holds it aloft]

Gill : Eeeh, point of information, that comes under the retry option.

Alice : [To the party] Let's kill him.

Craner : [Stands up out of the carriage and shouts at the party] Hey! I'm talkin' to you! [Looks over at Gill] Oh dear.

Austin : [Makes some quick notes] I don't recall an End User Licence Agreement, so our statutory rights apply. Come on colonel, lets go for the 'Abort' option! [Lights the barrel and rolls it towards the the carriages, with Harvey's help]

Harvey: [Helps Austin with the barrel, lamenting] When did geeks take over the world?!

Clint: And how did they do it! On the bright side, they don't reproduce, so in twenty or thirty years, we'll be safe again.

Gill : Jerome has been an inspiration to us all. [Holds up a hand and the barrel stops rolling, even though it was going at speed. Incredibly, even the flames that were burning on the handkerchief look frozen] What a shame it will be when we depose him! [Breaks into a nerdy/geeky laugh, which finishes with him snorting like a pig]

Austin : [To Gill] You plan on deposing Trindle! Excellent news [Looks quite excited] How can we help?

Gill : [Clearly not expecting this answer] Uh, shut up, whore!

Craner : [Still standing, but cupping his mouth to try and prevent Gill from hearing] We gotta get away from here - he's a son of Clementine! Clementine!

Harvey: [To Craner] What nonsense are you speaking, chappie? The enemy of our enemy is our friend! [To Gill] Kindly refrain from name-calling, and let's have a chat about defeating that blasted Trindle!

Gill : Hey, you can't order me around! Uh, I suppose I could bring you to our beloved dictator, though.

Clint: Then what are you waiting for? Make it snappy, four-eyes!

Alice : You should threaten to give him a wedgie, Clint, that always gets the geeks moving!

Gill : My name isn't four-eyes, it's Doctor Freeze! I mean, it's Iceman. [Nods] Iceman.

Alice : Niceman? [To the party] He doesn't seem all that nice to me!

Harvey: [To Alice, in a loud whisper] No, it's LICEman, dear! That's probably what turned him into a social reject, forcing him to geekery!

Gill : [To Harvey] Yeah, well... [thinks hard] so's your face!

Austin : [To Gill] Good to meet you, as any enemy of Trindle is surely a friend of ours, Iceman, but why do you insist on calling me a 'whore'?

Gill : Because that's what you are, isn't it? You go around lying to innocent and beautiful young ladies so you can steal from them? That is you, right? I mean, that's what the flyer says, at least. [Holds out a battered flyer that appears to be riddled with dart holes] My one is the one on the E, but I'm really improving.

Alice : [Peers at the flyer and sniggers] Look! They spelled "whore" wrong!

Austin's fourth flyer

Harvey: [Looks at the flyer. To Gill, helpfully] Try holding your breath when you take aim, cadet. That'll help steady your hand.

Austin : [To Gill, looking at the flyer] Some truth, but mostly lies. I befriend innocent and beautiful young ladies to make love to them. It so happens that some of them carelessly leave, forget-me-nots, in my humble dwellings, on occasion. Not what any reasonable person would call stealing. I am sure you must understand that, you look like you must have charmed many a beautiful young lady in your time!

Harvey: [Listens to Austin incredulously, then bursts out laughing] Private Sleaze, you are a card!

[Everyone, including GILL roars with laughter.]

Gill : [Suddenly stopping] Hey! [Stomps away] Come on, I'll bring you to Nambu. [To Craner] You too.

[Exit ALL, following GILL, heading off one side of the road. A few moments later, enter NICKI "HAPPY" LIP, a cute six year old boy on his way to a birthday party, carrying a beautifully wrapped present, a balloon and a Labrador puppy. He is skipping along, singing a happy tune.]

Nicki Lip

Nicki : [Sees the frozen barrel] Wow! Cool!

[The barrel suddenly starts rolling again and crushes him against the roadblock before exploding. NICKI, the present and the puppy are all destroyed. The balloon, however, floats away unharmed.]

[Book V, Act XII, Scene III. The Well Illuminated Cave. ALICE, AUSTIN, BRYAM, CLINT, HARVEY and OLIVER are here, as are CRANER and GILL. Sitting on a fairly uncomfortable looking stone throne is an even geekier geek than GILL. This is NAMBU NBARAGU, aka MINDSTORM.]

Nambu Nbaragu, aka Mindstorm

Gill : Hail to thee, Mindstorm!

Mindstorm : Hail to thee, Gill.

Gill : My name is Iceman, [whinily] Dwayne!

Austin : [To Gill and Dwayne, calmly in a professionsal manner] Greetings, Mindstorm. We are the Queens View party, and I believe we have mutual interests with respect to Trindle. [Turns and introduces the party] Iceman has been most valiant in bringing us here. This is the colonel, Alice, Mr Scar and Bryam, and I am Austin.

Mindstorm : We are the Sons of Clementine. Lower your shields and surrender your weapons. We will add your biological and technological distinctiveness to our own. Your culture will adapt to service us. Resistance is futile.

Iceman : [Clearly in awe] Cool! [High fives Mindstorm]

Harvey: [To Mindstorm] Hold on a second there, chappie! Just what gives you the right to take our culture over? We're visitors in your strange land, what!

Mindstorm : You're not visitors - you're invaders!

Harvey: What on earth gave you that impression?

Mindstorm : [To Harvey] Well, you're here, aren't you? Idiot! [To Clint] Because we're here. [Strikes a dramatic but horribly unconvincing pose] Now, two here will fight to the death, because it entertains me.

Alice : [To the others] Let's make it him and that other guy, they're really annoying.

Clint: So how 'bout it? Demonstrate the sound of two nerds fighting! Har har! [Pulls out a cigar and prepares to watch/make good his escape.]

Mindstorm : No. It will be [points at Alice] you and [points at Clint] you.

Alice : If you think we're going to do it, you must be out of your tiny mindstorm. We're not going to fight.

[Bonk. CLINT punches hard on the nose.

Alice : Ow! Hey!

Bryam: [Sighing] And even more fighting. [To Mindstorm] Would it not be more prudent, sir, to approach the matter of how we may help you in your battle against Jerome?

Harvey: [Attempts to restrain Alice] What has gotten into you, girl?! [To Clint] Stand back, Private--my dear niece must be under the influence of these dastardly geeks! Ozs7IG15IGxhc3QgbWFpbCB3YXNuJ3QgY2xlYXIuIEl0DQo7Ozsgd2FzIGNsaW50IHdobyBwdW5j aGVkIA0KOzs7IEFsaWNlLCBzbyBsZXQncyBzYXkgdGhhdCANCjs7OyBIYXJ2ZXkgc2VwYXJhdGVz IHRoZW0NCg0KQWxpY2UgOiBMZXQgbWUgYXQgaGltIQ0KDQpDbGludCA6IExldCBtZSBhdCBoZXIh DQoNCk1pbmRzdG9ybSA6IFtUbyBCcnlhbV0gWW91IGNhbiBoZWxwIHVzIGJ5IGJlaW5nIG91ciBz bGF2ZXMuIFtEb2VzIGEgY2xhc3NpY2FsIGV2aWwgbWFuaWFjIGxhdWdoLCBmaW5pc2hlZCBvZmYg d2l0aCBhIHNub3J0XQ0KDQpTZW50IGZyb20gbXkgQmxhY2tCZXJyea4gd2lyZWxlc3MgaGFuZGhl bGQ=

Harvey: [Struggling to keep Clint and Alice apart, horrified] I will not have in-fighting in this troop! Drop and give me 50, both of you!!

Austin : [Watching the fight. To Dwayne] Are you not concerned that whilst you dilly dally watching this fight that your enemies are preparing to conquer your realm? I am quite suprised at the inefficiency of your actions, is this how you gained your current status? TWluZHN0b3JtIDogW1RvIGF1c3Rpbl0gRG9uJ3QgeW91IGRhcmUgY3JpdGljaXNlIG1lLCB3aG9y ZSENCg0KIA0KU2VudCBmcm9tIG15IEJsYWNrQmVycnmuIHdpcmVsZXNzIGhhbmRoZWxk

Austin : [Protesting to Dwayne] I am not a whore! I befriended those young ladies in order to make love to them! [Really angry] The fact that a few of them carlessly left an odd pearl earing or necklace behind [Deep breath, shouting angrly] does not constitute prostitution! [Turns round and punches Bryam hard in the face] What the hell are you looking at!

Harvey: Resist these villains, troop! We are not their puppets!!

Bryam: [To Austin] A filthy whore [Reaches for his hidden knife]

Clint: [Still trying to work around Harv's bulk.] I dunno, kid, there's nothing wrong with whores or sluts or anything like that! But bimbos? [Angrily] They have to die! Move it, Harv. I'm going to turn your niece inside-out and make her swallow herself! DQpPbGl2ZXIgOiBbRGl2ZXMgYXQgSGFydmV5LCBrbm9ja2luZyBoaW0gb3Zlcl0gSSBoYXRlIHlv dXIgc2lkZWJ1cm5zIHlvdSBoYWlyeSBiYXN0YXJkIQ0KDQpBbGljZSA6IFt0cmllcyB0byBnaXZl IENsaW50IGFuIEluZGlhbiBidXJuXSBUaGlzJ2xsIHRlYWNoIHlvdSENCg0KTWluZHN0b3JtIDog W0FwcGxhdWRpbmddIFlheSEgVGhpcyBpcyB0b3RhbGx5IGdlYXIhIA0KDQpTZW50IGZyb20gbXkg QmxhY2tCZXJyea4gd2lyZWxlc3MgaGFuZGhlbGQ=

Austin : [Removes Maplin's glove and tries to stab Bryam with his skeletal finger] Die you pathetic worm!

Bryam: [Dodging out of the way, and fully withdrawing his knife] What is that? I knew lawyers were a strange bunch, but I didn't know you were such a freak

[AUSTIN swings at BRYAM, narrowly missing him, while ALICE elbows CLINT in the face and draws her sword. Meanwhile OLIVER starts to strangle HARVEY.]

Mindstorm : This is just tip top! Wait until my girlfriend sees this!

Gill : Wait a minute, [emphasis] your girlfriend?

Alice : [Looks up from Clint and addresses Mindstorm] You have a [emphasis] girl friend?

Harvey: [Attempts to punch Oliver in the gut, gasping for breath] 'irl'end?!

Austin : [Dodging Bryams attacks and trying to stab him. To Mindstorm] So where is she?

[HARVEY catches OLIVER hard in the stomach, causing him to double over.]

Mindstorm : She's here - and boy, are you in for a surprise, you whore! [Calls out] Frank?

Austin : [To Dwayne, anoyed] I am not a whore, I have never had sexual intercourse for financial or material gain! [Double takes] Frank?

Mindstorm : [Calling out] Stop!

[Everyone stops where they are, frozen on the spot and unable to move, but able to speak.]

Mindstorm : [Smugly to Austin] Sound familiar? [Enter FRANCES "FRANK" FISHER, a woman in her late fifties/early sixties.]

Frank : [Steps up to Mindstorm and puts her arm around him] Hi, honey. [To Austin] Hello, whore.

Frances "Frank" Fisher

Bryam: [Laughing loudly] Who's that? Your grandmother?

Harvey: [To Bryam] Mind your manners, Private! [To Frank] Greeting, Madame. Is there some misunderstand we might be able to help you clear up regarding Private Sleaze?

Austin : [To Mindstorm] Does what sound familiar? [To Frank] This is ridiculous, why does everyone think that [emphasis] I, am a person of negociable affections!

Austin : [Sounding tired of all the accusations] Quis, quod, ui, quibus auxiliis, cur, quomodo, quando?

Frank : [To Austin] You watch your filthy mouth, young man! [To Mindstorm] Dwayne, make him watch his filthy mouth.

Mindstorm : [Pained] It's Mindstorm. [Turns back to Austin] Give me one good reason why I shouldn't squash you like a bug.

Gill : Like a bug! [Makes pretend tentacles with his fingers]

Alice : Sheesh! If we have to listen to much more of this I hope he will squash us, like bugs!

Austin : [To Dwayne] Because I have never met you or Frank before, as far as I know, therefore you have no motive. [Takes a breath] Since it is easy for you to destroy that which you are unlikely to be able to create, my good self in this case, and that we have a mutual enemy in Trindle, I can only see that our collaboration would be mutually beneficial.

Frank : Don't listen to him! That's the kind of double talk that gets people in trouble with him. Mark my words, [pats Mindstorm on the shoulder] if you listen to him the next thing you'll know you'll have lost your virginity and a priceless family heirloom.

Harvey: What priceless heirloom?

Frank : Oh, I don't know, whatever's lying around, I suppose.

Austin : [Sighs, to Dwayne] I am heterosexual, and besides I believe that you are more than capable of handling negociations with me, without the aid of your grand mother. As I have already said, I do not recall ever having met her, and know of no reason why she should dislike me. [Ponders] Has she presented you with any evidence of any kind?

Clint: Maybe she dislikes you because you're a lawyer! Phili only knows how common that is! ____________________________________________________________________________________

Austin : [To Clint] No Mr Scar, Frank was clearly refering to me as a whore, not a lawyer. She appears to know someone who seems to think that I recieved monies or goods in lieu for my sexual services.

Mindstorm : How dare you! She's not my grandmother - why, she's hardly even old enough to be my mother!

Frank : Proof? You want proof? How about this? [Turns around and lifts up her skirt, mooning the party. There appears to be a tattoo of "Austin" on her left cheek.]

Clint: There, you see? How do you explain that! Anyway, what's the difference between a lawyer and a whore? Both accept money to screw someone...

Alice : Gasp! Austin! How could you?

Harvey: [Covers his eyes] Madame, please! I am a happily married man!!

Mindstorm : [Angrily to Austin] Don't talk to my mother like that!

Austin : [To Dwayne] As I said, Dwayne, it proves nothing. [To Frank] Perhaps you could provide us with some facts?

Mindstorm : [Shouting] Don't call me Dwayne!

Frank : [Putting her skirt back down and turning around] Here are some facts, whore. [Pats Dwayne on the shoulder] My boy is a Son of Clementine, as is Gill.

Gill : [Wearily] Iceman.

Frank : Fact two, we're going to kill you. Fact three, we're going to kill Jerome and those other wimpy horsemen of the Apocalypse. Fact four, [dramatically] the Sons of Clementine will inherit the earth!

Alice : What earth? The stuff in the little jar that you're holding?

Frank : [Holds up the tiny jar] Not just this, all the earth!

Harvey: [In a loud whisper] Careful, Private! She may flash another body part inscribed with additional, horrible truths!

Frank : [Points at Harvey] You are nothing but mockers and scoffers, but all the mocking and scoffing in the world won't stop you from tearing each other to pieces!

Harvey: [Roaring and red-faced] Madame, you go too far! The Queens View Party is always loyal and true. We are not savages, and we will stand together to face murderous villains, be they geeks, horseman, or women of questionable moral fiber! Now, who the blazes are the Clementine folks you keep yammering about ?!

Alice : Remember Gillette, the good elf who wanted to be human? He kept saying that Clementine was the key to defeating Dangsten.

Mindstorm : [Stands up] We are the Sons of Clementine, and we [emphasis] will rule the world.

[Everyone's attention is caught by someone clearing their throat at the back of the cave. Despite not being able to move up until this point, all of the party turn to look to see who it is. Enter WILBERFORCE GILES, who is clearly a relative of MONTY GILES.]

Wilberforce : [Holding up a finger] I beg to differ. Although it is accurate to say that the world will be ruled by Sons of Clementine, I fear it is simply untrue to assume that inbreeding incestuous geeks such as you will be involved. [Fixes his tie] Allow me to introduce myself, my name is Wilberforce Giles. I believe you are acquainted with my younger brother, Montgomery.

Wilberforce Giles ### Monty is an ex-party member who tried to sacrifice the party to a demon. ### When he failed, he was imprisoned by the Watchers.

Monty Giles

Austin : [To Wilberforce] Yes, we are acquainted with your younger =20 brother. He tried to sacrifice us to a demon. Not the kind of thing =20 you forget in a hurry. As you can see, we are in another predicament =20 alltogether.

Wilberforce : That may be how it appears, Mr. Sleaze, but you actually find yourself in a new predicament which supersedes your current one. I have joined forces with some gentlemen with which you are associated, namely Dr. Jerome K. Trindle, BSc, PhD, Dangsten Blackheart and Mr. Boddy. Collectively we are known as The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse. I am here to kill the Sons of Clementine and anyone else that may present difficulties to our new union.

Mindstorm : [Going pale] Oh crap! [To the party] Hey guys, wanna work together?

Austin : [To Dwayne] It would help if were not frozen!

Wilberforce : On the contrary, Mr. Scar. I am not a traitor. If I was that would suggest that I started on your side and betrayed you. I did not. I was always evil.

Mindstorm : [Panicky] You can move! You can move!

Austin : [To Dwayne, indignantly] Thank you. [To Wilberforce, pacing slowly] Yes, indeed, Mr Scar's employment of the nascent nomenclature is oft misconstrued.

Wilberforce : I can assure you, Mr. Sleaze, that I haven't misconstrued his employment of [distastefully makes finger quotes] nascent nomenture, rather he has.

Mindstorm : Kill him! Kill him! He's one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse! They've all got crazy powers!

Alice : [Looks Wilberforce up and down, unimpressed] What's his? Putting things in alphabetical order?

Harvey: [Laughs uproariously] Well said, niece! Perhaps he intends to [awkward finger quotes] Dewey Decimate us!

Alice : [Laughs, a little uncertain] Or maybe he'll, uh, put us in alphabetical order!

WIlberforce : Ah, the famed Short wit. Or should that be half-wit?

Austin : [Smirks. To Wilberforce] Why do you continue, when you know that you cannot win?

Wilberforce : Because I don't care about the battle that I can't win, only that which I can.

Alice : [Rolls her eyes] Someone get him a paper bag - maybe punching his way out of that is what he's talking about?

Austin : [To Alice] If he could get into one in the first place. But no, old Wils here is refering to another battle, [To Wilberforce] Perhaps he will enlighten us.

Harvey: Yes, do get on with it, chappie! This troop is ready to face any enemy.

Wilberforce : Then perhaps you should go. I have no argument with you.

Clint: Hell, you're a tweed-wearing, clipboard-carting freak, plus you work for the bad guys! So we have an argument with you! In fact, we're having one right now. Moron. [To Harvey] We do have an argument with him, right Harv?

Harvey: Indeed, Private Scar, [huge emphasis] IF he's really siding with those Four Horsemen bastards, that is. [To Wilby, suspicious] How the blazes do you rate as a super-villain with that lot, anyway? I'll bet they've never even heard of you!

Wilberforce : They've heard of Clementine, though, which is more than you have. If you had, [looks to Clint] you wouldn't be wasting your time here.

Frances : [To Austin] He's right, Aussie-Poo, save me, please!

Austin : [To Frances] Who, are you? [Looks round in suprise because he didn't see her entering]

Harvey: [To Wilby] Well, you're here, aren't you?! Seems to me this is the place to be, what!

Frank : [To Austin] Oh, you know who I am, lover!

Wilberforce : [To Harvey] Does it? [Points at Gill, who immediately clutches his head in pain and falls to the ground screaming]

Harvey: [Draws his sword and attacks Wilberforce] Yes, it does!

Wilberforce : [Dodges out of the way] Stop, you fool! Look at what I can do to him! [Points at Gill, who now has blood pouring from his nose and ears] I can do the same to you!

Austin : [Ponders this. To Harvey] Go for it colonel! Teach the cad a lesson [Swipes the air, tentatively]

Bryam: [Knife drawn, moving towards Wilberforce] Hm, I remember your name now. I can alter a rule slightly to allow for you

Wilberforce : [Backing up to the wall, his exit blocked by the advancing Harvey] Stop where you are sir, or you will regret it. [Looks over the party and points at Bryam] You.

[BRYAM recoils, with blood pouring from his nose.]

Bryam: [Stopping where he is] Ah, blood! [To Harvey] The coward seems scared of you sir! Show him why he should be

Harvey: [To Wilberforce] Coward! I attacked you, not this young pup! [Charges Wilberforce]

Austin : [Loads his sling and shoots at Wilberforce] Come on! Everyone!

[HARVEY swings and hits WILBERFORCE, causing a gash across his chest and a very annoying rip in his tweed jacket. WILBERFORCE staggers back, but waves his hand, causing OLIVER to fall to the ground screaming in pain, and BRYAM's right ear to start bleeding.]

Wilberforce : True, but irrelevant. If you wish them to survive you will call off your assault immediately - and keep in mind that I am the one who saved you from those two geeks.

Bryam: [Going to one knee from pain] Ha, this is nothing. Prepare to die, scum [Throws his knife at Wilberforce]

Harvey: [Lowering his sword reluctantly] Fall back, troop! [To Wilberforce] Just what is it you want from us?

Clint: [Reluctantly lowers his sword as well.] You sure you know what you're doing, Harv? He's one of the Horsemen, if his wild claims are true. And he seems like kind of a wimp!

Wilberforce : [Waves his hand again, and Bryam and Oliver relax] Well done, Colonel. It pleases me to see such a level head in control of the party. [To Clint] I may be a wimp, but you can't beat me. [Back to Harvey] I want nothing from you, other than for you to go forth and fight the terrible evil that is blighting our land.

Austin : [To Wilberforce] I thought you were one of the horsemen? And what is this terrible evil? Clementine?

Wilberforce : Correct, Mr. Sleaze, I am one of the horsemen, it's just that I have more of a long term goal than simple world domination.

Harvey: [Incredulously] And what are you goals? Making innocents bleed from their ears?!

Wilberforce : [Walking up towards the cowering Mindstorm] Not innocents. Just these idiots and anyone who threatens me. [Turns to face the party] I think we're done here. Awfully nice conversing with you. Best of luck.

Harvey: But I threatened you, not these recruits. Why didn't you attack me instead?!

Austin : [To Harvey] One could only conclude that he cannot harm you, and that he is attempting to maintain a ruse that he is able, and will to do so.

Wilberforce : Interesting conclusion, Mr. Sleaze. Reports that your unsettling preoccupation with your appearance have compromised an otherwise reasonable intelligence appear to be only partly true.

Austin : [To Wilberforce] Whereas reports that your unsettling preoccupation with your intelligence has compromised an otherwise reasonable appearance, appear to be entirely true. [To Harvey] So what is the plan colonel?

Harvey: [To Austin] On to Minus Thrift, Private! I've had quite enough of all this geekery. Let's roll out, troop!

Mindstorm : No! Please! Take me with you! [To Frank] Mom! Talk to them!

Frank : [Gives Mindstorm a passionate French kiss] Sorry son, but your father and I have places to be. [Turns to Austin] You came along at just the right time.

Austin : [Grimaces at the french kiss. To Frank] Whatever. [Turns and follows Harvey]

Frank : [Walking after Austin] Yeah, he's very whiny, isn't he? I'm afraid he takes after my side of the family!

Alice : [Watching the two, aghast] Mm-hm!

Austin : [Disinterested, checks his nails casually. To Alice] Probably a onesided family. You know how these yokels can be.

Alice : Not as well as you do, I think!

Clint: [To Frank] So you and the lawyer know each other then? A stormy tale of passion and legalese?

Austin : [To Clint] No Mr Scar. I do not recall ever having met this woman. The fact that she has a picture of me tattooed on her derrier does not imply or prove any previous connection of any kind. [Pauses] You may recall that I have an extensive fan club, I expect that many of them keep a likeness of me somwhere, tattoed or otherwise, even though they have never met me.

Frank : [Sighing whistfully] Ah, I was a naive young thing back then, ignorant in the ways of the world. He taught me the greatest thing that a woman can know is the soft caress of a gentle but firm man. I was just sixteen then, a child, but he made me into a woman.

Alice : [Raises an eyebrow] Was that before or after he made his time machine?

Harvey: [Winces] You almost sound proud of that fact, Private! It's a disgrace, a poor doddering old woman like this, burning a man's face into her flesh and imagining she could ever find love outside of the animal kingdom!

Clint: Even old people deserve love, Harv. Why, look at you and your recent marriage! ____________________________________________________________________________________

Harvey: [Insulted] What?! I'm in the prime of life, and my bride is in the full blush of her youth!

Alice : [Nodding in agreement as the party return to the carriage] That's right - why, Uncle Harvey is not even forty yet!

Jasmine, Harvey's wife

Austin : [To Harvey] Colonel, do we have a plan of action? [Checks his nails briefly] Or are we going to stand here and wait for the world to end?

Harvey : [Climbing aboard the carriage] Of course we have a plan, Private! We're just waiting to see what you are going to do with your [suppresses a smile] young lady.

Austin : [Indignantly] She is neither mine, nor is she young. [Gets into the carriage]

Frank : [Climbing aboard] I'm always going to be yours, Aussie-Poo. Forget Dwayne, we can have more kids. You're still young.

Harvey: [To Frank] Madame, we do not have room in this carriage for slanderers. Let me assist you in leaving the carriage at once!

Austin : Thank you colonel. [To Frank] If you sincerely believe that we have met before, why do you not tell us where and when this was? You have given us no reason to believe your ridiculous story.

Frank : [Gobsmacked] But you do have room for [raises her voice] liars and [shouts] whores?

Frank : [Not looking Clint in the eye] Uh, no.

Alice : [Frowns] Hm, then there's [emphasis] another crazy lady around?

Craner : [Stands up in the carriage, holding a hand up to silence Clint] Sh! [Tucks the chicken leg under his arm as he approaches Frank] I must paint you.

Frank : [Fluttering her eyelids] Please do.

Craner : [Whips out a tin of black paint and brush, splashing paint all over Frank's face] Ah, yes!

Frank : Cough!

Craner : [Puts the paint down and continues eating his chicken] Beautiful, beautiful!

Frank : [Wailing] Austin! Sort him out!

Clint: [To Craner] It *is* sort of an improvement!

Craner : [Nods at Clint] I take pride in my work. [Leans over to Austin] Frankly, my friend, I think you can do better. [Addressing the party] Let's get this snow on the road.

Austin : [To Craner] I do do better thank you very much, and in the case at hand, I have never done! [Moves to avoid any paint]

Frank : But what about me? You can't leave me here!

Clint: How 'bout it? We taking your sugarmama with us, lawyer?

Austin : [Tuts] Of course we can. We have no idea who you are or where you came from, and you have given us no reason to care either! [Frowns] We are very busy, we have a world to save and we have already spent far too much time listening to your nonsense.

Alice : That sounds like a yes, Stinky. Oh, and it's sugargrandmama!

Craner : [To Frank] See you later, loser!

[CRANER starts up the carriage, roaring with laughter, only to stop a few feet along.]

Craner : Uh, I suppose we should get her out of the carriage first, shouldn't we? Conor , Dominic , Heather , Samuel

Alice : Sigh. Now that we're providing public transportation, does that mean we also have to have the transportation reeking of urine and blood? With disgusting older men leering over attractive passengers? [Sniffs, before looking at Craner] Ah, I see we already do.

Craner : [Does a finger gun at Alice] Click click! Hey, when you gotta go, you gotta go.

Alice : I think Ollie's right, we can't just leave her here, can we?

Clint: Wouldn't be right, would it? This poor, elderly woman, splashed in paint, left to stand at the side of the road while her one true love rides off without even bothering to say goodbye?!?

Austin : [Indignantly] Why on earth not? This is where we found her! And her young lover Dwayne [Grimaces] appears more than capable of looking after her! [In explanation] And anyway, we have a world to save. We are not trying to populate care homes.

Alice : Sure, but are we trying to populate [serious, after-school special face] don't care homes?

Harvey : We most certainly are not leaving her behind, Private! She is a human being, and as such, is due care and consideration. We'll bring her as far as the nearest loony bin and abandon her there.

Alice : It's when you use a stupid amount of soap.

Austin : [Still engrossed in his manicure] Shall we get moving?

Craner : Let's go! [Takes a half melted snowball out of his pants and throws it on the road] [The carriage speeds off.]

[Book V, Act XII, Scene IV. Leaving the Interior. ALICE, AUSTIN, CLINT, HARVEY, BRYAM, OLIVER, FRANK and CRANER are here, in the carriage which is being driven by CRANER.]

Alice : So, any idea what this Sons of Clementine business was about? Monty's brother seemed pretty preoccupied with it, didn't he?

Austin : [Sighs] Perhaps Frank could tell us what she knows about it.

Frank : Oh, I'm not even talking to you. [Turns away from Austin for about a second] Oh, go on then! I can't stay angry with you. I don't really know anything about it, just that Dwayne and Gill had certain [waves her fingers mysteriously] powers.

Austin : Anyone else know anything about Clemetine? Or how these powers work?

Alice : Well, those elves seemed to think that Clementine would be instrumental in defeating Jerome and the others, but didn't say how or who she is.

Harvey: [To Frank] What powers did those fellows have, madame?

Frank : Well, Gill was able to momentarily freeze time, but only for fairly small items and then for pretty short durations, but Dwayne, [sigh] he could exhibit control over small children and not particularly well developed animals, and [fans herself] boy did that lad have stamina.

Austin : [Sighs. To Frank] And so you include us as small children or underdevloped animals?

Frank : [Laughs] Oh, I didn't think about that. I wonder why he was able to affect you.

Harvey: He didn't affect me, but a good commander never gives in when the troop is under attack!

Frank : And a sexy one!

Harvey: [Shocked] Madame, I am a happily married man! , Tom Henderson , Conor , Conor , Samuel

Frank : And I bet you make her very happy, over and over again!

Clint: [Shuddering] We're not going there, you sick old bag! Could Dwayne influencing us have something to do with our nascency fluid?

Frank : Nascency Fluid? Innnnteresting. No.

Harvey: [To Frank] And how do you know that?

Frank : Because when he tried to do it to some elves they took all his clothes off and ran his underpants up a flag pole. [Sighs happily] What a view!

[Time passes, very, very slowly.]

Craner : [With a big smile, sounding enthusiastic] Wow! This is the life, eh?

Harvey: [To Craner] Sober up, chappie! This is war, not a garden party!

Frank : [Chortles with laughter] War and not a garden party, excellent! All this and such a [wiggles her paint covered eyebrows seductively] sexy body too!

Clint: Uh, yeah. Look, we're giving you a ride already - don't make me toss you off the carriage!

Frank : Mm-mm, anger. I like it!

[The carriage is approaching daylight, so the party will soon be out of the Interior and back approaching Minus Thrift.]

Conor.Ryan@ul.ie address

Clint: [To Frank] Where can we drop you off? Here at the edge of the Interior seems good. It's a war zone out there!

Frank : Oh, please. A warzone?

[From not too far off in the distance comes the sound of an enormous, earth shaking explosion, followed shortly by a burst of flame that climbs high into the sky.]

Frank : [Gulp] You can drop me off here.

Austin : [Flips the door of the carriage open for Frank] There you go.

Frank : [Gets to the door] Right, now I -

[FRANK is cut off mid sentence by everyone kicking her up the arse at the same time, sending her flying.]

Alice : [Slams the door shut] Drive! Let's get away from all this horror and get into the safety of the war zone!

Austin : [Sighs in relief] Thank the earth for that! What utter nonsense she spoke. [Indignantly] How she could believe that she knew me when she was 16. Insanity [Tuts, placing a cigarette in a holder and lighting it, blowing three smoke rings]

Alice : Pf! That's nothing, Aus, you wouldn't believe how many guys claim to have known me [dramatically] before I was 16. Uh, I mean -

Harvey : [Coughs] Ahem! Now, troop, we need to focus. Onward to Minus Thrift, the human stronghold, where our armies will defeat the evil Jerome, Dangsten and Boddy once and for all! Ah, what a sight it will be to see our brave soldiers at work!

[From just up ahead comes the sound of what appears to be a huge crowd of people running towards the party.]

Harvey: What's this?! [Calls out] Hello, there! What's all this ruckus?

[Enter a screaming, panicking mob. They are clearly all soldiers who are fleeing something. They elegantly avoid the carriage as they rush passed it at full speed.]

Alice : Hey! Someone just stole my underpants!

Craner : You got me! [Hands them back over]

Clint: Say, weren't those guys on our side?! They're going the wrong freaking direction! Also, nice underoos, Bimbo.

Alice : Aw, thanks Clint. I found them when we - hey!

[One of the fleeing soldiers stops. This is JOHNNY PANIC.]

Johnny : 'e're 'll 'nna 'ie!

Alice : What?

Johnny : [Takes what appears to be a large bullet out of his mouth] We're all gonna die!

Johnny Panic

Clint: What? Why? How?

Harvey: [Springs to action] Were you shot in the mouth, fellow?!

Johnny : [To Clint] We're all gonna die! Because it's the end of the world! [Calmly] In a variety of ways. [To Harvey] Gasp! [Starts feeling his mouth] No! Does it look like I was?

Austin : [Sighs. To Harvey] Perhaps it would be best if you let him run away with the others. [Flicks some ash from the end of his cigarette at Johnny] Run along now.

Johnny : Hey! Fuck you! Who do you think you are? The Queens View party?

Austin : [To Johnny] Yes, as a matter of fact. I am Austin. And this is the Queens View party and entourage [Blows some smoke rings casually]

Harvey: We are here to save the world, so most probably you, as well. So, buck up, chappie!

Johnny : [Greatly relieved] Phew! You sure do have a job on your hand. Dangsten just blew up our headquarters!

Alice : Oh please. An inflatable head quarters? No wonder we're being beaten!

Harvey: [To Johnny] Why in the name of little green onions do you need so many inflatable heads, chappie? Trying to trick the baddies into thinking there's more of you, what?!

Johnny : Uh, yeah, that's why we have so many inflatable people. [Gives Alice a curious look] Hey, some of them look a little like you!

Alice : Hey! ### That, of course, is a reference to Book V, Act II, when some business men ### introduced merchandise based on the party

Harvey: [Beams] Excellent choice, good man! There is no woman more feared than my dear niece!

Johnny : So, uh, I guess you won't be needing your carriage when you're, well, you know. How about I take it and flee in panic?

Austin : [To Johnny] Do we look like we intend to walk into battle! Don't be ridiculous, time is of the essence and we must be across the front line and into the mids of our enemies swiftly! [Sits back into the carriage]

Clint: Yeah, and it's a rental anyway. Run away on your own gold, ya coward. [Taps Cramer.] Drive, Cramer.

Alice : [To Johnny] Shame on you! Away with you before you taint our bravery with the stink of your cowardice - we're all steadfast and true, right guys?

Bryam : [Opening the door of the carriage] Forget that, losers! I'm out of here. I know you people think I'm an idiot, but you're the ones heading towards certain death and I'm about to escape. Who looks like an idiot now?

[BRYAM leaps off the carriage, only to snag his clothes on a nail, which completely rips them off, leaving him totally naked.]

Alice : Hey! You nearly broke my nail! e, me.

Harvey: [Bellow out to Bryam, shaking his fist] Damned yellow-bellied deserter!

Austin : [To Harvey] What was it that you used to do to traitors, back in Vietnum-num? [Watches Bryam leave]

Alice : [Watching Bryam run off into the distance] Put pants on them, I hope?

Craner : [Already searching through Bryam's bag] Right, onwards to certain death?

Alice : [Checking her map] Nope, Certain Death is to the left, we're going to Minus Thrift, that's straight on. my second e-mail was wrong so I adjusted it. It should be beatmyaces@yahoo.com instead of eatmyaces. I also wanted to add that you are all hilarious; I literally had to stop reading at work because my eyes were tearing up from me trying not to just burst out laughing.

Harvey: [Narrows his eyes] We strung 'em up back in the 'Num. Made it look like an accident so we didn't have to fill out any forms about it. --- F \ No newline at end of file

Austin : [Squinting at Bryam] It doesn't look like there is much to string him up by. Must be those elven genes.

Alice : Aw, come on, that tattoo he had on the front in the shape of a miniature penis was adorable. [Thinks for a moment] Hey!

[The huge crowd of soldiers heading in the opposite direction to the party continue, joined by JOHNNY, who bumps in to the one person who seems to be going in the same direction as the party.]

Johnny : [Screams in terror] We're all gonna die! [Calms down] Oh, excuse me. [Takes out a bullet and clenches it with his teeth] 'e're 'll 'nna 'ie!

Austin : Oh look, someone is following us [Squints] Can anyone make out who it is?

Alice : I don't know, but why is he walking backwards? [Points at a figure who is clearly walking away from the party]

[Meanwhile, JOHNNY and the approaching figure fumble to get past each other, which culiminates in JOHNNY grabbing the other man and throwing him on the ground.]

Harvey: [Calls out to Johnny] Stop that, bully!

[JOHNNY glances back at HARVEY and gives a scream, before running off. The man who was pushed to the ground gets back up. This is DUR TiRAG.]

Dur TiRag

Alice : [Winces in pain] Look! Look! My nail is broken! [With anguish] War is hell. [Dur get himself off the ground and dusts himself off, although poorly. It seems as though some of the dirt had already been there. He shakes his fist boldly at the fleeing JOHNNY.]=20

Dur: The next person who does that to me is going to be sued... [quieter] that is IF the world doesn't end... [speaking practically to himself] and IF I could afford a lawyer... [Hearing Alice complain about a broken nail, he perks up visually hoping to earn a few coins or perhaps a free meal.]

Dur: [To Alice] Sounds to me like you need a doctor! And no ordinary doctor, but ME! Dr. Dur TiRag at you service! A few stitches and that nail will be as good as new!

Alice : Stitches? Will - will it leave a scar?

Clint: Don't worry, there won't be any new scars. [Laughs uproariously] I haven't used that line in ages! Memories... pint ____________________________________________________________________________________

Harvey: [Steps in front of Alice protectively] You'll not lay a hand on her, chappie! What kind of quack are you? Everyone knows the only thing for a broken nail is a gallon of ice cream and plenty of bedrest, what!

Alice : [Hopefully] Chocolate ice cream? [Turns and glares at Clint] Oh, I'm pretty sure that there won't be any new Scars, Stinky. thing >for a broken nail is a gallon of ice cream and plenty of bedrest, what! Oh, >I'm pretty sure that there won't be any new Scars, Stinky. [DUR eyes the wound as he prepares a stitching needle that is in fact just an old discarded sewing needle]=20

Dur: [To Harvey] Sir, I am a trained Doctor and have never heard anything so absurd! Everyone knows that a gallon of ice cream and plenty of bedrest is only a good cure for the loss of an appendage!

Dur: [To Alice] Will it scar! Didn't I just tell you I'm DOCTOR Dur Tirag?=20 [He strikes a pose and runs a dirty hand through his greasy dissheveled hair as if he were the proudest person in the world]=20

Dur: With that said, yes it will be a horrible disfiguring scar. [To Clint] But of course I can hardly be blamed for OLD scars! [He raises an eyebrow.]=20

Dur: Unless.... I may know of another procedure but it is dangerous and very controversial. But, it will NOT leave a scar.

Austin : [Casually check hos own,perfect manicure. To Dur] Perhaps =20 this would be an approprate juncture to point out that Alice can =20 afford a good lawyer, one of the greatest lawyers who ever lived, as a =20 matter of fact. I advise you to take very good care of Alice.

Clint: [To Dur, confidentially.] The insufferable ego costs extra! [To the party at large.] I realize this is a matter of life and death here, but the world's ending! How important are nails?

Austin : [To Mr Scar] We would not expect you to understand such things, Mr Scar. [Glances at Dur] But I expect that it would be useful to have a doctor close by, all be it a rather grubby one. [To Harvey] A doctor could be most useful, colonel.

Clint: [To Dur, confidentially.] The insufferable ego costs extra! [To the party at large.] I realize this is a matter of life and death here, but the world's ending! How important are nails?

Alice : [Glares at Clint] You're not helping, Stinky! [Turns back to Dur, paling] Extrapolate? You're going to have to extrapolate my nail? [To the others] What does extrapolate mean?

Clint: Isn't that when they pull something out of nothing? Sounds like surgery to me!

Dur: [To Clint] Of course it sounds like surgery! I'm a Doctor! What did you expect? But on the contrary, surgery is the pulling of something out of something, usually painfully and with lots of blood. We're lucky in this case, though, because it is just her nail. I think I can save the finger if we operate quickly!

Harvey: [To Dur, furious] You're not touching her, and that's final! [To Austin] You really think we're better off with a bad doctor in the troop?! The cure is worse than the disease!!

Dur: [Huffily to Harvey] Here now! You know words can cut just as deep as any surgical tool! How do YOU know I am a poor doctor? You've never even seen me operate!

Alice : [Holding her finger] The nail! The nail!

Austin : [Rolls his eyes] Oh for goodness sakes! [Gets out a small toiletries case and opens it, revealing an extensive and comprehensive array of manicure equipment] Let me see ... I think a balaned colour gel support with an acrylic coating, [Applies these to Alice's nail] Then the UV hardener [Puts on some designer shades and shines a very bright UV light on Alice's nail] And a light reshape [Does some very careful filing. Inspects the results] Excellent! All fixed.

Alice : [Pricking her nail with a pin] Gasp! I don't have any feeling in my nail!

Craner : [Looks at Austin's lamp] Say, that's a real nice lamp. Fancy giving me a tan?

Austin : [Passes the UV lamp to Craner. To Alice] Do you have feelings in any of you other nails?

Alice : [Theatrically] It's spreading! [To the party] Maybe we need a doctor?

Austin : [To Alice] You mean psychiatrist. Doctors do feeling, psychiatrists do feelings.

Alice : Huh! Not the guy that I had to go to after that whole fire in the gymnasium thing.

Craner : [Looking at this lamp] This is the coolest thing I've ever seen. [Turns on the lamp] Aieeee! I'm blind! [Drops the lamp, smashing it]

Dur: [Turning his attention to Craner while the party debates his joining, he tries to help] You're not blind, your eyes are closed.=20

Craner : Phew! Thank God for that! Now, let's get this show on the road! [Walks into a cliff wall] Ow!

Alice : Huh. I guess he is blind after all!

Harvey: [To Dur, warily] Where were you going, fellow? It's dangerous out here alone!

Austin : [Frowns at the smashed lamp. Sighs] There goes the speed hardening system. [Looks dissapointed] Back to long waits and cotton wool. [Sighs] So, what now?

Clint: [Dramatically] To Minus Thrift! To save the world! [Points in the wrong direction.] That way!

Dur: [To Harvey] I am on my way to Minus Thrift to aid in whatever way that I can. I may be a poor and homeless doctor, but I am still a doctor. [Watches as Craner walks face first into a wall and winches.]

Dur: [To Alice] Hmmm. [He states as if he knew it all along!] It is my opinion, as a doctor, that this man is in fact blind! [Dur approaches Craner rolling up his sleeves]

Dur: Steady now! This won't hurt a bit.... well maybe a bit. [Dur places his dirty hand on Craner's face (or attempts to) calmly]

Dur: [Calmly begins speaking in an old forgotten language, then proclaims loudly] Demon be gone from this man! Oh Glory Halleluhia! Testify!

[CRANER falls back to the ground, before sitting up.]

Craner : It's a miracle!

Craner :[Gets into the carriage] And I'm driving!

Alice : Uh, should we tell him that he's facing the wrong way?

Harvey: [To Dur] Well, I suppose you should come with us, so we can warn the wounded and dying not to accept your medical advice!

Alice : Yeesh, Uncle H! He did just cure Craner's blindness!

Harvey: [Patiently] My dear, you must trust me to look after you. This man was a fingernail's width from performing unnecessary surgery on your flawless and lovely hands. He is [dramatically] a quack! [Pauses then makes a quacking noise for emphasis]

Alice : Did - did you just fart, Uncle Harvey?

Dur: [To Alice] I did? I mean [more confidently] I did! Of course I did! [Watches Harvey quack about like a duck, bewildered]=20

Dur: Unfortunately, I have no cure for idiocy.

Harvey: [Nods vigorously] And quacked! did! > Of course I did!

Clint: Hey! Don't talk about Harv like that! Can't you see that he's a great man?!

Dur: [To Clint] I see a man acting like a duck! I think you lot need a doctor more than you know!

Austin : [To Clint] You sound like you have a pin up of him.

Alice : That may be true, but [dramatically points at Dur] you need your hair washed more than you know!

Clint: [To Austin] Of his wife, actually. Rrowr.

Harvey: [Beams proudly, then becomes enraged] You destroy it this instant, Private! That's the future mother of my future children you're talking about!

Austin : [Grimaces at Dur] Well perhaps you should find some nicer ladies.

Alice : Yeah? And what kind of lady would waste her time with you? I mean, look around! How many [finger quotes] ladies are speaking to you? I think we all know what kind of lady would bother talk to you. [Sits back, arms folded and satisfied] Uh, I mean, other than me just there, of course. [Pause] And there. [Pause] And there.

Craner : [Sounding a little hysterical] People! Please! [Calms a little] We're in the middle of a war zone - this is not the place for fighting!

Alice : [Nods at Austin's words] Yeah! That's just what I meant!

Craner : Hey! Do you want to go and see the end of the world and all humanity destroyed? Because if you people don't start behaving yourselves I'm going to turn this carriage around and drive us to safety!

Austin : [To Craner] You do the driving, and we will to the saving of the world, thank you very much. Are we nearly there yet?

Craner : [Reaching back try and thump Austin, using the favoured method of angry fathers everywhere] Don't you give me any of your lip, boyah!

Austin : [Dodges out of Craners way, curtly] I am not your 'boy', infact we barely know you, or who you are. You could be Celemtine for all I know. Additionally, I shall say what I please, when it pleases me. I you don't intend to help us save the world then I suggest you leave now.

Craner : [Wildly lashing out, hitting everyone but Austin, but not doing any arm] You little pup!

[As the carriage swerves around, sending the now thinning crowds of soldiers scattering, the party are thrown about from side to side.]

Alice : Hey! Clint is on my side of the seat! quiet today...

Austin : [Glances at Dur] Eeeew, more charming by the second.

Alice : [Points out the front of the carriage] Hey! Look, there's some sort of gathering up ahead.

[This is true. The party are nearing the bottom of the hill on which AZRAEL's baby was killed, which is between them and Minus Thrift. They can see that there is a crowd of several hundred people here, many of whom are soldiers, dressed in the same uniforms as those who were earlier deserting.

Harvey: [Looking around] What do you mean, Private? Has this fellow gotten us off course? --- F \ No newline at end of file

Craner : Hey! I'm bringing you right to the war!

Clint: Hey! This isn't something to laugh about. There's some who say war's all glory, but boy, it is all hell. [Eagerly] So what's going on? an ;;; American" like sleeping late and then tramping

Alice : [Leans in] Well, we're all in the back of a carriage being driven by [waves vaguely at Craner] some guy. I don't know his name, but he seems to be okay. We're going, uh, somewhere and need to be there before [looks at her watch] soon.

[The crowd is being addressed by someone, ZANDY HATMANN. The party are too far away to hear, but he is clearly holding the attention of the crowd.]

Zandy Hatmann

Harvey: [To Craner] Wait, let's hear what this wild man with the unfeasibly curly red hair is saying!

Craner : [Nods] Yes, yes, it [emphasis] is very charismatic hair, isn't it?

Clint: Riiiiight. Now what's he saying? [Moves a little closer to listen in.]

Alice : Maybe they're just fascinated by his red curls. I mean, they're so red, and so curly!

Austin : Maybe. [Looks doubtful] Perhaps he is selling something.

Zandy : [Spots the party] I'm selling hope, brother! I'm selling [waves his hands mysteriously in front of his face] I'm selling everything and nothing. I'm selling shape without motion. I'm selling time without reason!

Austin : [To Zandy, enthusiastically] And words without wisdom!

Zandy : [Nods, delighted with Austin's support] Darkness without light! A steel gauntlet inside a velvet glove!

Alice : I don't understand. Is he criticising us? On our side?

Austin : [To Alice] He is talking nonsense, it is one of those art-comedy standup open microphone things. If we wait for a a few minutes someone better might get on.

Alice : Really? Cool!

[ALICE steps up to the front and takes the microphone off ZANDY.]

Alice : Okay, there were these three guys, Tom, Kevin and Dom, and Kevin turned into a bar - no, wait, he went into a bar. Uh, oh! He hit a bar, I mean, a bar hit him.

Craner : [Watching, wincing at the resounding silence that greets Alice] Oh my God, I think I want to hit myself with a bar. [Takes out an iron bar and hits himself in the head with it] Ow.

Alice : No wait, wait, there was just Tom, or was it Dom? Anyway, he went into a bar and the barman said [barely able to hold in her laughter] why the long face? [Roars with laughter, but then goes serious] Did I say he was a horse?

[The crowd starts booing her.]

ZANDY.

Dur: [To Alice, shouting to be heard although it is so quiet he doesn't really need to] Get down girl! I have not yet discovered a cure for wounded pride!

Alice : [Ducking to avoid a beer can being thrown at her] Hey!

Zandy : [To the crowd] Hush now and ponder the imponderable - what colour is the wind? What does freedom taste like? [Escorts Alice back to the party] Tough crowd, eh?

Harvey: [Bellows at the critic who threw the beer] I saw that, chappie! [To Zandy, helpfully] Perhaps you've scared and confused them with all of your nonsense? Here's what a pep talk should sound like [clears his throat loudly, then booms] All right, troop! It's kill or be killed, what! We won't all come back alive, but those that don't can be proud of the fact that they were heroes who died with their boots on and those boots are pushing up some beautiful daisies! [To Zandy] See, encourage and inspire!

Harvey: [Beams at Dur] That's right, recruit! A speech like that makes us all want to flee toward the action and fight! [To Zandy, proudly] And that, my good man, is the way you talk to your subordinates. On 7/5/07, Heather wrote:

Zandy : [Watching all the soldiers slowly back away] I see. So, you lot are going to single handedly defeat Dangsten, are you?

Dur: What?! Single-handedly? Why can't we use both hands? That doesn't seem like a very fair fight now does it?

Austin : [To Zandy] Well that is the plan. Last time we fought Dangsten, he caught us by suprise, and I doubt this time will be any different, but we are going to try. [Checks his nails casually] Of course it would be nice if we had an army to help us.

Zandy : [To Dur] Yes. Two hands will make all the difference. [To Austin] Sure it would, but they're concerned that this big hill [points back at it] on which Dangsten and the others sit, is between them and the rest of the army in Minus Thrift, so they're less likely to face the challenge bravely than they are to run away screaming like little girls. [Thinks] Perhaps what's necessary is some sort of stealth mission, to take Dangsten by ... [tails off]

Alice : Surprise?

Zandy : [Jumps with shock] Yikes! [Calms down] Hey! You're good - you're real good.

Austin : [To Zandy] And she hasn't even started.

Dur: [To Austin] Well let me know when she finishes so I know I can start listening again. [Nervously looking over Zandy's shoulder] So the only thing seperating us from Minus Thrift is Dangsten and his horsemen and we either have to find a way to sneak by them or bolster the courage of this army and punch through them? [Dur thinks for a moment] We're doomed!

Austin : We could go around the mountain. [Casually checks his manicure]

Clint: Hell, let's just send the army around the mountain, and when Dangsten and his friends go to stop them, we can take the direct route!

Clint: Hell, let's just send the army around the mountain, and when Dangsten and his friends go to stop them, we can take the direct route!

Dur: [To Clint] Shame on you sir! Why would you ever send a defenseless army into harm's way! They didn't come out here to fight a war! Did they? =20

Austin : [After everyone stands in silence for a moment, thinking about this] Errrm, actually they did come out here to fight a war. To protect their families and loved ones from the tyrrany of the Horsemen. [Glances around the doubtfull looking soldiers] At least I think that's why they are here.

Clint: C'mon, Sleaze, they're here for the terrific stand-up act!

Harvey : Can't they do both, Private Scar? All good soldiers can laugh, and if that laugh is at the expense of some enemy who's being beaten about the head with large fish, well, all the better!

Dur: [Sounding alarmed] The army is armed with fish! What kind of a fighting force is this anyway? And where did they come across such a large supply of fish, I'd like to know?!=20

Harvey : [Eyes light up] The army is armed with fish? [Stomach booms with hunger] Wonderful! Hi folks, + I'm traveling for the next few hours so not much posting from me On 05/07/07, Day, Kevin R. (Las Colinas) NA wrote:

Dur: But if we eat the fish [he says wiping away a little drool at the mention of free food] then the army will have NO weapons?

Harvey : Ah, but you are forgetting that an army marches on its stomach!

[The soldiers are definitely slipping away.]

stomach!

Dur: On their stomachs? Then how do they use the fish? This is much too confusing to be practical!

Alice : Not too mention too annoying! Anyway, what does it matter? They've all legged it!

Clint: Hey, somebody better rally those cowards! [Pulls out one of his cigars, and addresses the fleeing troops while puffing away] We shall go on to the end, e shall fight with growing confidence and growing strength in the air, we shall defend our land, whatever the cost may be, we shall fight on the beaches, we shall fight on the landing grounds, we shall fight in the fields and in the streets, we shall fight in the hills; we shall never surrender. Let us therefore brace ourselves to our duties, and so bear ourselves that if this land last for a thousand years, men will still say, 'This was their finest hour.'

Dur: [Raises an eyebrow at Clint] Do you always give such a stirring speech when no one is around?

Alice : Well, there usually are crowds around until he starts giving stirring speeches. [Looks up the hill] I guess we're gonna have to sneak up there and take a look?

Austin : [Looking suprised at Clint] You surpass yourself Mr Scar. I did not know that you had even heard of Wynnstun Kirkmound, let alone memorised one of his speeches! [Glances around at the retreating troops] Remarkable. It must have been the way you said it. I suspect the timing was awry.

Alice : [Nods] And it's not like Kirkmound spent his time smoking filthy cigars, scaring people away with his awful body odour, is it? Come on, let's check on what's going on up here.

[Exit the party, heading up the hill.]

Zandy : [Addressing the now disappeared crowd] How much does silence weigh?

[Book V, Act XII, Scene V. The Top of the Hill. ALICE, AUSTIN, CLINT, HARVEY and DUR are here, climbing up the side. Peering over the side they can see that there are hundreds of JEROMITES here, some of whom are setting up musical instruments.]

Alice : [Whispering to the others] Right, let's get Oliver to sneak down and - hey, where is Oliver?

Austin : [Glances around] Looks like he went with Craner and Jimmy. [Sighs] Seems like we are out of cannon fodder again!

Alice : Huh. That's a shame. I'm really going to miss his, uh, his, hm.

Dur: [Looks at Alice] Have you forgotten about Oliver already?! He was a noble, hard working, loyal person! Or at least that is what I like to think being as that I never met the man...

Alice : [To Dur] Oh please, Craner. I never forget a name.

Dur: [To Alice] Except mine apparently. I wonder how it is you remember your own name?=20

Alice : [Proudly] Written on my underpants. [Pulls up a tag which says "Dawson Creep"] Hey! Act III, Scene I

Harvey: [Shields his eyes] Young lady, what did I tell you about revealing your underpants in mixed company?!

Alice : [Wearily] Only courtesans, whores and trombonists reveal their underpants in mixed company.

Dur: [Sympathetically to Alice] There there, lass, 2 our of 3 ain't that bad!

Harvey: [To Dur, furious] Watch your mouth, Private! You've already tried to permanently disfigure my dear niece with your quackery! Any more of those sordid innuendos, and you'll be flat on your back before you can whistle "Danky Yoodle!"

Clint: Why would he whistle Danky Yoodle, Harv? To accompany those freaks down there? [Points in the general direction of the Jeromites.]

Dur: [To Harvey] IF I could whistle Doodle Yanky, I wouldn't have to peddle my services as a doctor! Instead I could settle down on a nice street in some large city and live out my days as a street performer and eat food that tastes slightly better than the garbage I currently eat! [Seeing the Jeromites, Dur moves a little behind CLINT, putting him between the Jeromites and himself.]=20

Dur: [To Clint] Don't call them Zombies, they are the "living impaired". It's more PC that way. =20

Alice : Oh? So calling them zombies is a no-no, but calling me a trombonist is fine?

Dur: [Feeling the desire to avoid a beating] No no! Of course not! Never to your face at least...

Clint: And just what instrument *do* you play, Bimbo?

Alice : So.... you weren't calling me a trombonist, which means you were going for whore?

Clint: [Glaring at Dur.] That's between her and her doctor, you sicko!

Alice : [Points at her shoe, addressing Dur] How do you fancy having this instrument shoved up your posterior?

Harvey: [Glares at Dur. To Alice, comfortingly] Now, don't listen to him, dear girl! Every child goes through a phase when their feet are becoming more beautiful, and that's what's happening to yours. Soon, they'll catch up with the rest of you.

Alice : This guy's an idiot! Just wait until my boot catches up with his ass! [Dur swallows hard and backs away slowly]

Dur: I think we've all gotten off to a bad start here...

Harvey: Enough of this! [To the party] Attention, troop! We must stop this bickering and get on with our very important, world-saving business. There will be time for this nonsense later!

Alice : [To Dur] No, just you. [Calms down at Harvey's words, but menacingly points at her shoe]

Austin : [Checking out his appearance in a pocket mirror] If you are all finished with the posturing, perhaps we should discuss what we are going to do? [Dur glances nervously at Alice's boot, then at the Jeromite army.]

Dur: [Nervously] Actually, I think I'd prefer the boot.

Alice : Cool! [Gives Dur a kick up the behind]

Dur: [Rubbing his now sore rear end] I forgot what the end result of this plan was supposed to be...

Harvey: [To Alice] Cease your kicking immediately! [To the party] Anarchy! The troop is in anarchy!

Alice : So that's the name of this place? Interesting. Look! [Points down to the zombies, where the party can see Dangsten and Jerome in conversation] Do we really want to just sneak away?

Dur: I agree with the bim... errrr "you-know-who". We shouldn't sneak away. We should RUN away. Preferably in that direction [Points back the way they all came].

Clint: You aren't taking this saving the world thing seriously enough! If Jerry's up there making planes, then someone should sneak up close enough to hear them! Honestly, you people.

Alice : You're right, Stinky, we need to get closer, not further away.

[Everyone turns slowly and looks at ALICE.]

Alice : Not closer to Clint! Do you think I'm crazy? I meant get closer to the murderous and barbaric Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.

Dur: [Looking nervous] Right then.... Who's going first?=20

Alice : Probably someone who's very, very, very sneaky. [Looks Austin up and down] Hm, who could that be? Think, Alice, think.

Austin : Probably someone who's keen to prove their loyalty to the party. [Looks Dur up and down] Hm, who could that be? Think, Austin, think.

Harvey: Don't be ridiculous! [Raises his sword in the air and begins a charge, bellowing] Follow me, troop.

Austin : [Checks his nails] Of course, alternatively, we could simply let someone reveal our position, thus saving us the trouble of walking into their camp to be killed.

Dur: [Raises an eyebrow] I think we all need to sit down and have a long talk about the meaning of 'stealth'.

Harvey: [To Dur] I understand the word, Private! I also understand the meaning of "yellow-bellied" [raises an eyebrow at Austin], and if our designated sneak won't get to sneaking, what choice have we got? A leader's got to lead!

Jerome : [Turns and looks up at the party] It's the Queens View party!

[Various JEROMITES and MORCS look up at the party, pointing.]

Jeromites : [Various] The Queens View party!

Morcs : [Various] The Queens View party!

Boddy : [Sitting back on a deck chair, reading a paper which he puts down] Well, well, the Queens View party.

Faetan : [Looking out of a tent] Those bastards from the Queens View party! And we didn't even get to do the song!

Dangsten : [Shrugs] Who are the Queens View party?

Faetan Jarl [Dur looks greatly relieved]=20

Dur: [to the party] Oh thank the gods! The Queens View party are here to help.=20 [Dur looks around but see no one. He looks back to the party and seems crestfallen.]

Dur: Wait... are WE the Queens View party? .... Crap.

Harvey: [Curses under his breath, then strikes a menacing pose and booms] Greetings, villains! Failure to do your song is not the only disappointment you will face today!

Dangsten : [Bursts out laughing at Harvey] Oh, this is too much! [To Jerome] Trindle, get the dagger of soul stealing, I really want to mess these ones up. when Dangsten, name Iok, who was his

Dur: [Meekly] I don't suppose we can talk this out like rational adults?

Alice : You make the mistake, Dur, of thinking that we are rational adults.

[The MORCS and JEROMITES start shouting aggressively at the party, urging DANGSTEN to kill them.]

Austin : [To Boddy] I suppose you're just going to sit there and watch him kill us?

Boddy : Nope, I'm gonna read my paper. [Holds up again] Ah, Garfried, you sure are one crazy lasagna loving cat!

Harvey: [Stomach rumbles loudly] Boddy, you bastard!

Dur: [to Alice] Duly noted. [To Harvey] What IS your plan then?

Harvey: [Stomach rumbles loudly] Boddy, you bastard!

Clint: It better start with us stopping these bastards, Harv. token

Dangsten : [Clicks his fingers irritably at Jerome] Come on, Trindle, dagger.

Harvey: [To Clint] You read my mind, Private! [Raises his sword and charges] Remember the Ala Mode!

Dangsten : Give it to me! [Waves Harvey on]

Jerome : [Stabbing Dangsten in the back with the dagger of soul stealing] Sure.

[DANGSTEN takes on a look of shock and slowly tries to turn around to look at JEROME, while all the MORCS and JEROMITES fall silent.]

Boddy : [Putting down his paper] Man, this is even better than Garfried! stealing >Sure. Garfried! [Dur looks around at his companions trying to judge their reactions]

Dur: Ummm, is that a good thing or a bad thing? It certainly was dramatic [He said clapping a bit, lost in his own confusion at the turn of events].

Alice : [Watching black clouds quickly form overhead] Well, I completely disagree. I think it's bad and good.

[DANGSTEN slumps forwards to his knees as thunder rumbles above.]

Clint: [Tentatively] Jerry's still evil, right? So he's the new evil overlord?

Alice : No! I bet he's gone all good - I bet this is all over! In fact, I bet he was just pretending to be evil all along, and that he's still the same Jerry we all know and love! [Gives a big smile] Aw, this is gonna be the best Christmas ever! Little Timmy's going to get his operation, Lassie's come home and Jerome's back on the side of good!

[Lightening crackles around the air, engulfing JEROME, and the wind whips up. JEROME glares at the party, his eyes almost black with fury and hate.]

Boddy : Nope, he's still evil.

Alice : What about Lassie?

Boddy : Main course at a Chinesey restaurant.

Alice : And Timmy?

Boddy : [Head drops] At least his suffering's over now. [Hangs his head for a second, before opening up his paper again and chuckling] Oh, that Garfried! for the next will resume then to the states!" anyway. Should we wait til Friday to respond then?

Austin : [Watching Dangsten die. Sighs.] One down, five to go. I'm =20 pretty sure his medical insurance won't cover that [Glances at the =20 lightening. To Boddy] Are you not concerned that you might be next on =20 the hit list?

Harvey: [To Austin, stepping in front of Alice protectively] Who isn't on his hit list?! [Dur steps behind Alice, putting her and Harv between him and Jerome]=20

Dur: What are we going to do?=20

Alice : [Glances back at Dur] Not stand quite so close!

Faetan : [Draws her sword, and shouts at the Morcs] Let's get them - they're the ones who turned me into an ugly toad. [Shouts at the party] Fear me!

Boddy : [Peers over the top of his newspaper to talk to Austin] Nah, he's gonna kill her next, she's very, very annoying.

Dur: [To Alice, ignoring her obvious connotations] Believe me good woman, I plan on staying as far away from them as I can! [To the party] Should we do something?

Harvey: We ARE doing something! [To Boddy] Is Trindle your lackey now?

Faetan : [Stops running] Hey! Pay attention to me! I'm going to kill you!

Boddy : Not exactly, Harv. you!

Dur: [Ignores Faetan and talks to Harv] I meant do something more than 'standing around chatting and waiting for our imminent demise', though it does seem to be working fabulously.

Harvey: [To Dur, haughtily] Do YOU have any experience leading men into battle, Private?!

Alice : How about running away screaming? Maybe some experience in that could be helpful too?

Boddy : Not particularly.

Faetan : [Shouting] I will not be ignored! I will not be ignored!

Alice : [Glancing back down the hill] Uh, we might want to make a run for it.

Harvey: Run where, dear girl? This is our destiny. We must face this villain once and for all! [Raises his sword and prepares to charge] Are you with me, troop?!

Alice : [Peeks out from behind Harvey] Uh, there are an awful lot of them, Harv!

Austin : [Swallows hard] Alice is correct, Colonel, perhaps a different strategy is required.

Faetan : [Bends down beside Jerome and takes an orb from him, and holds it aloft, shouting loudly to be heard above the sound of the thunder and lightening] Follow me! Jeromites and Morcs, follow me!

[All the JEROMITES and MORCS turn and look at FAETAN.]

Updated Map them, >Harv!

Dur: [To the party at large] Perhaps we should try appealing to his military perspective. [To Harv] Colonel, err, sir! We are not running away! We are making a tactical retreat so that our intelligence [points at Austin] has time to gather sufficient intelligence!

Clint: C'mon, guys you're not afraid of a few hundred morcs, are you?

Austin : of course not. It's the several thousand Jeromites that bother us.

Harvey: [Considers the thousands of Jeromites] Retreat, troop! [Attempts to lead a charge away from the Jeromites]

Alice : [Holds aloft her sword] Run away! Run away!

Faetan : [Holding up the orb] Chaaarge!

[All the MORCS and JEROMITES start charging towards the party.]

Austin : [To Harvey, hopefully] I take it that you have a cunning plan to lead the army away from Trindle, so that we can sneak back and top him whilst is army is searching for us in a forest or something?

Alice : Of course he does - and it starts with us getting the hell away from here!

Harvey: If only we could get our hands on an orb. Those gadgets can do anything! [The MORCS and JEROMITES are moving at surprising speed, as is FAETAN, only for her to be tripped by BODDY, causing her to drop the orb (too far away from the party for one of them to get it). The MORCS and JEROMITES then stop.]

Faetan : [Looks back angrily at Boddy] What the hell are you doing? I was leading the rampaging horde on a bloodthirsty kill-crazy death-frenzy!

Boddy : [Calmly] It's not your turn to lead the rampaging horde on a bloodthirsty kill-crazy death-frenzy. [Holds up what appears to be a schedule, but is too far away for the party to read] Organisation is fun!

Austin : [To Harvey] So your plan is to run away until Faetan is away from Dangsten and the others and then we take her down and grab the orb, and order the Jermoites and Morc to attack Trindle! Genius!

Disposition-Notification-To: "Day, Kevin R. (Las Colinas) NA"

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Dur: [To the party] Well organization IS fun, maybe we should try it some time?

Alice : [Already running down the hill] Some time! [Puts her arms out and starts running through some long grass Little House on the Prairie style] Whoohoo! This great fu- ow! [Falls] [FAETAN gets to her feet and picks up the orb.]

Disposition-Notification-To: "Day, Kevin R. (Las Colinas) NA"

thread-index: AcfNNf3UDkqOYz3AQ0mv83PzxGRp1QAAB30A This is a multi-part message in MIME format.

Alice : Huh? How long is it going to take to figure out what you're talking about?

Harvey: [To Austin] Er, thank you, Private! [Watches Faetan regain the orb] The plan seems to be working!

Alice : [Points to a large blue building further down the hill] Maybe we could hide in there?

Disposition-Notification-To: "Day, Kevin R. (Las Colinas) NA"

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Alice : [Steps back politely] After you. [Lets Dur walk passed, before racing after him]

[Book V, Act XII. Scene VI. The Blue Building. ALICE, AUSTIN, CLINT, DUR and HARVEY are here, standing outside. The MORCS and JEROMITES are not in sight yet, but can be heard coming over the hill. There is a corridor that leads into it which has a crossroads about thirty feet in. The corridor is wide enough for one person to fit through at a time. There are no clear light sources, but there is a faint blue glow throughout the corridor.]

Alice : [Peering in] Well? Clint? Fancy going first?

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Clint: [Disappointed that there's no door to kick, he lowers his door-kicking foot.] Sure! [Steps in, giving Dur a glare.] Better than waiting for him to go in! ____________________________________________________________________________________

Austin : [To Clint] He did say he should go first [Looks at Dur to see if he will go first] Heck I'll go first [Cautiously steps into the blue building, carefully check for traps]

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Dur: [Rubbing his hands together nervously] That was out of fear of the pursuing army! Now I'm torn between my fear of what's back there [points towards where the Morc army was] and my NEW fear of what COULD be in there [pointing into the blue building].

[AUSTIN goes in first, followed by CLINT, then HARVEY, then ALICE and finally DUR. The floor is made of a dark blue tile that is significantly darker than the walls, and each one is about four foot square. AUSTIN moves ahead slowly, checking for traps and loose tiles as he does.]

Alice : Woah! [Crashes into Harvey] Sorry, Harv - it's hard to walk on these tiles with socks.

Alice : Fair point, Dur. After all, Clint is in here!

Harvey: [Steadies Alice. Exasperated] Where are your shoes, girl?! This is war, not a pajama party!

Alice : [Exasperated] They're in my hand! How on earth was I going to be able to slide along the tiles if I didn't take them off? [Sulkily puts them back on]

[The party slowly advance to the crossroads, and suddenly a glowing red GHOST appears, coming in the opposite direction.]

Ghost : Whooooo-oooo!

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The Ghost

Austin : [Nervously reacting] Whoooo-oooo! [Realises what he said and swiftly ducks behind Clint]

Harvey: [To Alice, lecturing wisely] Dear girl, how many times must I remind you of the sad fate of Tommy "Two-Toe" Tipton?! It all started at a pajama party [catches sight of the ghost, horrified] what the devil manner of ghost is PINK?!

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Dur: [Ducks behind Alice and says to Harv] Don't be silly, Colonel! That ghost is quite clearly light red!

Ghost : [Enraged] Hey! I'm red!

[AUSTIN tries to push his way back passed CLINT, but it's a tight squeeze, and the GHOST advances, just as a large door behind the party slams shut. There is just about enough space to do it, but it will take time, and the ghost will be upon them before it's done. It may be better to rush down one of the left or right corridors.]

Alice : [Conversationally to Dur] So, is this the kind of thing that you were afraid of? Trapped in here with an unbreakable door on one side, a scary ghost on the other and the way blocked by a cowardly lawyer?

Austin : [Alarmed] Yes, pale red I'd aggree [Tries to slip down the corridor to the left] Run!

Clint: By Phili, I'm not running from some weirdo in a pink sheet!

Dur: [To Alice] It couldn't get any worse! [Ignoring the ghost he looks at Austin shaking his fist] There's only room for one coward in this group! [Remembering they are cornered by the light red ghost he turns back to face it.]

Dur: [To the ghost] Listen ghosty, denial isn't just a river in egypt! You are clearly light red, clearly because you are faded! [Dur pulls out a little slip of paper and brandishes it wildly] Now stay back! I am a doctor after all!

[The GHOST recoils for a moment, and hangs back, showing that he is clearly floating in the air, giving AUSTIN plenty of time to slip down the left corridor.]

Alice : [Being squashed by Dur leaning over to turn the ghost, glances at the paper] Medical agree? What's that? --- F \ No newline at end of file

Austin : [To Alice] It's a perscription for supositorys! Let's go! [Beckons the others.

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Dur: Guess again! [Slowly backing away towards Austin, still brandishing the paper] It's the medical certificate I found at the bottom of my cereal box!

Harvey: [Squints at the paper] "Doctor of Good Times and Best Friends Forever"?! From the "School of Hugs and Puppies"?!

[The GHOST gives a blood curdling scream, and starts to move towards the party.]

Alice : Come on, Stinky! Go after Austin!

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Harvey: Let's go, troop! This effeminate ghost poses no threat! [Charges down the hall toward Austin]

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Dur: [Follows rapidly after Harv, trampling any that may be in his way] But we haven't asked him where he'd gotten that dashing light pink sheet from! My daughter would love one! That is if I had a daughter... or a wife for that matter... or even a woman that can stand being around me for more than 30 seconds....

[Everyone follows AUSTIN up the corridor, with the GHOST following close behind.]

Ghost : [Gives another high pitched wail] I am not effeminate!

Alice : Sheesh! That was a girlish wail if ever I heard one!

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Harvey: [Calls back to the ghost] You're wasting your time! We haven't any pink dye!

[The GHOST advances on DUR, getting dangerously close.]

Alice : Keep going! Keep going!

Ghost : I'm going as fast as I can!

Alice : Not you, Austin!

Harvey: [Huffing and puffing] That was the ghost, not Austin, niece!

Alice : [Looks back at the ghost and gives a scream] Aieee! What happened to Austin?

Austin : Which way? There's another crossroads up ahead, and a T-junction after that!

Clint: Hang a left! [Glances back at Harv.] Right?

Alice : Right!

Harvey: [To Austin] Right, left!

Ghost : It's not Pinky, it's Red. Bitch. [Advances on Dur and seems to explode on him, knocking him to the ground and disappearing]

[DUR is knocked to the ground, covered in red slime and clearly winded.]

Alice : [Wiping some red slime off her face] He - he slimed him!

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thread-index: AcfOFIzNFNVRViWYQ7+7cGQpUAFL6AAAEiUg [Dur sits up and surveys the pink goo all over him]

Dur: Well that wasn't very helpful of her at all!

Alice : Who'd have thought someone wearing pink would be so nasty?

Harvey: [Attempts to attack the ghost] Keep your disgusting fluids to yourself, Pinky!

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Dur: [To Alice] And sticky. [Hungry, Dur lifts a finger to an out stretched tongue to see if it is edible] [Dur panics when he sees Harv trying to attack the no longer existent ghost, leaving only Dur in pink sticky goo.]

Dur: It's me Colonel! Watch where you stick that thing our your likely to poke someone's eye out, or take someone's head off!

Alice : [Tries to hold back Harvey] Harvey! The ghost has disappeared!

Harvey: [Lowers his sword. To Dur] Sorry, Private! You'd better let me take the rear flank and let us protect you. That was a nasty hit you took!

Clint: I'm sure he would be tickled pink to let you do that, Harv! [Laughs uproariously.] ____________________________________________________________________________________

Harvey: [Bursts out laughing] Pink!

Alice : [Unimpressed at Clint and Harvey's jocularity] Given how cramped it is in here, maybe we should decide which way we're going to go before any flanks get taken up?

Alice : Which way? Left, right, or straight on? Oh, hang on. [Turns to her left] Left, right, or straight on? Hm.

Austin : [Perks up now that the ghost has gone] Lefts go this way. [Carefully goes s then w then first n and n again!]

Harvey: [Cautiously impressed] You seem to know where you're going, Private! Come on, troop, fall in line. [To Dur] Get in the middle so we can look out for you, Recruit.

thread-index: AcfOvCfT9QyJTTVCT+CqNGsOl1wAkAAALSDg [Dur gets to his feet and stands somewhere in the middle of the group]

Dur: [Surveying the pink goo left on him] I feel violated.

Alice : Yeah, nothing like being covered in someone's sticky goo who then disappears to make you feel that way.

[The party follow AUSTIN, ending up in the top left corner of the map.]

Updated Map

Harvey: [To Alice, absently but wisely] Then they weren't really your friends to begin with. [Keeps his sword at the ready while following Austin]

Alice : What now? Straight on? [She means east]

Austin : [Sighs] Hmm, nice, a corner, let's see how far we can go eastwards. [Starts going eastwards] I suspect that there may be something of interest either in the center of the blue building or at the rear of the building, so if we circumnavigate the northern half of the structure, then head toward the center we cover both of these points.

thread-index: AcfOvxKNfQkV4AnlTB2n5EWrtCUjcwAAF8nQ something >of interest either in the center of the blue building or at the rear of the >building, so if we circumnavigate the northern half of the structure, then >head toward the center we cover both of these points.

Dur: As long as we're safe from the marauding morcs, does it really matter? And do we have a plan on how to get out of here? [Looks confused at Austin] I'm sorry, I don't speak crazy! our ;;;collective comedic genius! Everyone wave. I didn't even know she was ;;;until she called me up and was like! I can't believe Jerome stabbed ;;;Dangsten, I didn't even see that coming! I was like :O

Alice : [Rolls her eyes] I wouldn't be so sure about that.

[The party pass the first corridor that leads south, and there is a faint sound of a rush of air from down there.]

Alice : [Glancing down] Hey, what was that? Anyone get the feeling we're being watched? [Looks around, giving a shiver] I really have the feeling we're being watched.

[The party come to the end of the corridor, and have to turn right. When they look down there they see a BLUE GHOST, who's standing at the end of that corridor, arms folded.]

Blue : Well, well. Here they are. Did you know that Red is back at home crying like a little girl? Wailing onto his pillow? I suppose you people find that kind of thing funny.

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Blue Ghost

Harvey: [Attempts to get in front of the rest of the party. To the ghost, stifling a giggle] Of course not, Scary Purple Ghost. [Bursts out laughing, unable to hold it in] P-pink and purple! Who spawned you two?! Eight-year-old girls?!

thread-index: AcfOwoi/3CY00SpUS1izyLXnJTFlxQAAKY/Q [Dur cowers behind Clint, afraid he might get slimed again.]=20

Dur: [To the ghost] Who's Red? You mean that pink meany that slimed me? This goo is never going to come off!

Austin : [Desparately tries to duck behind Clint] EEpp!

[ALICE pushes flat against the wall as HARVEY tries to squeeze passed.]

Blue : No, the [ghostly voice] scaaaary pink one! I mean, the scary red one!

thread-index: AcfOxDFf9rNF2aQiTHe4dJttsKc75gAACZyw [Dur gets stepped on while Harvey edges past]

Dur: Ow! I KNEW the next ghost would be a lavender one! I tried to warn you, but nooooooooo, no one listens to Dur. [Continues ranting under his breath].

Clint : [Being squashed between Austin and Dur] Hey! Be careful! [Turns and glares at Dur] You're getting slime all over me!

[This is probably true, but CLINT's jacket is so filthy it's impossible to see.]

[The BLUE GHOST advances on AUSTIN. Meanwhile, ALICE, who's still being squashed by HARVEY as he tries to edge passed, turns and points behind him.]

Alice : Look out! That pink one is coming up fast! [This is true, the RED GHOST is coming at speed from behind HARVEY.]

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Harvey: [To the ghost, calling from the back of the party] How about letting us past, good ghostly and exhuberantly colored sir? We mean you no harm!

Harvey: [Attempts to attacked the Red Ghost] Back for more, eh, Pinkie?!

Red : That's right, uh, grayie!

[Splat. HARVEY and AUSTIN get slimed at the same time, being knocked to the floor. When the slime clears, both ghosts are gone.]

thread-index: AcfOx+66m2zvJ27yRr62j/aW/HLoOQAANR3A Pinkie?!

Dur: We're doomed! Everyone hide!=20 [Dur makes a lunge, slapping each of his companions on the top of their heads. He's attempts to cast 'Hide from Undead'. He then falls to the ground in the fetal position]

Alice : Ow! Hey!

[It looks like DUR was juuuust too slow!]

thread-index: AcfOyZ7Mbb9goYogRf+d9vOxgy7kngAAHMaw [Gets up slowly dusting himself off, but really just spreading the dirt around.]=20

Dur: Well that was close! [Looking to Harvey and Clint who are both slimed as well now.] Jeez, if this keeps up we'll be a virtual rainbow! And that is truly a terrible sight to behold...

Alice : [To Clint] It looks like you and me are the cleanest ones here, Stinky, and that's pretty scary!

Clint : Okay, these guys are starting to get annoying.

Austin : [Groans as if in exquisite pain, stands up holding his arms out, eyes closed] I can't bear to look! [Shakes and wipes slime off with his eyes closed]

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Dur: [To Austin] Really? I think it's an improvement. It is after all, a lovely shade of lavender.

Alice : I won't kid you, Aus. It's bad. It's very bad. I don't that stain's gonna come out.

Harvey: [Horrified, dripping pink goo] How will I explain these stains to my dear bride? She'll think I've gone light in the loafers!

Alice : Uhhh, I bet she'll be fine with it!

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Dur: Can we stop talking about Harv's questionable mental plan and get moving before the tangerine colored ghost gets us?

Alice : Lead the way, Egon!

Austin : [Continues scraping off the goo] I don't feel well. [Realises that Dur thinks that he is a doctor] Ahhem, I mean I feel fine. Thanks. Just dandy. [Grimaces at the mess that he is in]

Alice : No, Aus, I think you - [spots Austin's look at Dur] uh, ye-es, you'll be just fine. [Pats him on the back, making a disgusting squishing sound] I think we might need to get moving. transparent, but

Austin : [To Alice] Not just a pretty face. [Smiles, the notices the goo again and looks close to tears] Let's move it before someone sees m... before we all get slimed to death.

Clint : [Rolls his eyes] Yes, please!

[The party continue south for a short while, and then turn east. There's a turn immediately to the north, while the path continues off into the distance, with another turn to the south further on.]

Clint : Come on, Ghosties! [To the party] Next time [emhasis] I'm gonna slime them!

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Dur: Quiet Mr. Scar! You could wake the dead! [Looks thoughtful] If anyone would like some salve for their bruises, I think I remember a recipe that called for ghost goo. At least I THINK it was for bruises [Dur's eyes squint trying to remember].

Alice : [To Clint] Plus, Clint, you're also annoying, so just be quiet!

Clint : Sure, Bimbo, I'll be [loudly] quiet! Come on, laywer, which way are we going? You too, [finger quotes] Doc, lead the way.

Austin : [To Clint, sighing] Must you always come to me for guidance? We should probably head east [Points eastwardly]

Clint : Not for guidance, Lawyer, just for you to get the hell out of the way!

[The party advance east, and see that there is another crossroads up ahead. There is another rushing sound from behind the party, as well as one up to the north.]

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thread-index: AcfPkQC2JU4XqGA/T26XhRUDh+Re3AAADKaA the >way!

Dur: [Listening] What is that awful sound?

Harvey: Blast, we're surrounded by pastel horrors! Keep charging ahead, troop, and be ready to duck.

Alice : [Whispering] That's you speaking.

Clint : Bring it on - this time, I'm ready. Lock and load. [Does a disgusting phlegmmy clearing of his throat, followed by the unmistakable sound of bringing it back up]

Harvey: [Disgusted loud whisper] Don't make things worse, Private Scar! We've had quite enough slime flung about as it is!!

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Alice : How can you tell? He's so filthy!

[Three ghosts appear. The RED and BLUE ones from before, and a YELLOW one. The YELLOW one is in front of the party, the RED to the north and the BLUE to the west.]

Red : Moohahaha! Now you will face your -

[CLINT gobs up a huge phlegmmy glob and hits the RED ghost smack in the centre.]

Red : Ew!

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Harvey: [Turns to the blue ghost and tries to hit him with his sword] Die, undead fiend!

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Dur: For the love of the gods, I'm too young to die! Take the girl but spare me!=20 [Looks around a little sheepishly]=20

Dur: What? I'm a doctor not a fighter!

Alice : I thought you were the girl!

[The ghosts advances, sliming HARVEY, CLINT and AUSTIN, and instantly disappear.]

Alice : [Surveying the scene] I think we need to find a way to deal with these things.

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Harvey: [Dripping blue slime, sputtering] Yes, well, as you are the only one of us bearing no slime, I am open to suggestions, niece!

Alice : Well, for a start we should stop waiting in line for them to slime us - when they next come, maybe we should split up? And there has to be some way to attack them - maybe it's hidden here?

Harvey: Dear girl, why on earth would they keep a means of attacking them nearby?

Alice : Give me patience! If they didn't keep a method of attacking us nearby then how on earth would we be able to defeat them at the last minute and foil their diabolical plan to take over the world that they are almost certainly about to blab to us as soon as they think we're defeated?

Harvey: [Ponders] Hmm, good point, my girl! Troop, let's split up and confuse these confounded ghosts!

Austin : Excellent idea, I'll go this way with Alice [Points to the corridor to the east and south]

Alice : Right, Aus. Now, what kind of slime could we come up with that could hurt one of these sheet wearing freaks?

[ALICE and AUSTIN head east and get to a corridor leading south, which soon turns back west. Meanwhile, CLINT heads north, followed by DUR.]

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Dur: [Watches as Alice and Austin leave the group and says to himself] It's like the blind leading the arrogantly vain and useless. [He then follows after Clint, nervously glancing around the corridors] You look llike you could use the help of a doctor Clint, you want me to take a look at some of them bruises?

Harvey: [Continues east by himself, muttering] Split up! She says. But does she mean she wants to fight by the side of her old uncle?! Nooooo!

Clint : [Panicky] No! [Calms down] I mean, no, I'm fine.

Alice : [To Harvey] N-uh! We're waiting for you, Uncle H!

Harvey: [Still stung] No, no, I'll just go on by myself. [Continues east sulkily]

Alice : [Standing with her arms folded, blocking the way] No. We're waiting for you.

Harvey: [Touched and embarrassed] Oh, you really are! [Clears his throat. Gruffly] I mean, right, let's find some ghosts! [Continues with Alice and Austin]

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Dur: Nonsense my good man! That last ghost got you good, I'm surprised you are still walking. [Dur picks up a little dirt and mixes it with a little goo still covering him and tries to rub it on Clint.]

[DUR touches CLINT, who was trying to get away from him, causing CLINT to glow slightly, before looking much better.]

Clint : Hey, whaddya know? He is a doctor! Thanks, uh, Door? Damn! Look, that blue guy is ahead of us!

Alice : Uh oh! The pink one is down here!

Updated map way you want to go

Austin : [Thoughtfully] I suppose we could make a flame gun using my lighter and a can of Alice's hairspray, that might kill one of these ghosts [To Alice] To you have a can of hairspray please? Quoting Conor Ryan :

Austin : [To Alice and Harvey] Quickly, lets go east and first south.

Harvey: Back up! [Exasperated] This reminds me of that old children's game Mac Pan! passage south.

[AUSTIN, HARVEY and ALICE go east and south, pursued by the ghost. Meanwhile, CLINT heads east, trying to beat the blue ghost to the turn.]

Clint : Quickly! Follow me!

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Dur: Right behind you! [Dur said thumping Clint in the back of the head slightly.] They teach us how to fool ghosts in medical school, that way anyone we lose on the table can't come back and retract their revenge on us. Let's hope it works!

Clint : Oh? Cool! Let's just stroll nonchalantly past this guy.

[Splat. CLINT gets slimed.]

Alice : [To Austin] Quick Aus, which way now? They're gaining!

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Dur: [Exasperated] What are these things and why do they keep sliming us?!

Harvey: [To Alice] Keep going south, my girl! Hurry!

Clint : [Picking himself up and moving east] I don't know, but they're starting to piss me off. Hey! What's this? In the corner? Some sort of tablets?

[The others keep heading south, and get to yet another crossroads.]

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Harvey: [Looking ahead] Let's try east!

thread-index: AcfQZR3uv2x0flvYQLmf9QoTN/hLSgAATb6w crossroads.

Dur: I don't know. Is it food? I'm famished! I can't remember the last itme I had something to eat.=20

Clint : I'm not sure, but there's another one of those damned ghosts coming. Fancy a cheeky half suspicious yellow floor tablet?

Austin : [Turns east] There's a door here! [Gets to the door] It's locked!

Alice : Can you pick the lock? [Bends down and looks] Hey! Is the key supposed to be shaped like a strawberry?

Harvey: Thank Phili, I'm famished! [Attempts to eat the strawberry]

Alice : Uh, we don't have the strawberry - I think we might need to find one to put in there.

thread-index: AcfQZ5oevAogz1baStadtIbDDpIudAAALsEQ find >one to put in there.

Dur: I have eaten worse! [Gobbles the tablet]

Harvey: Gah! Let's find the strawberry. Double back, troop, and let's keep moving.

Austin : [Tries to pick the lock] Strawberry?

Alice : To fit in the lock! [Turns around] Gah! There's a ghost a-comin'!

Clint : [To Dur] Me too! [Knocks back his tablet, just as two ghosts approach, one from either side, before immediately stopping when they see Clint and Dur]

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Harvey: Go south!

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Dur: [Whispering to Clint as he backs against a wall] Pretty tasty, but now what do we do?

Clint : [Smiling at the look of horror on the faces of yellow and red, who have stopped dead] Let's kick their asses!

[The others can hear CLINT and DUR, but not see them.]

Alice : Uh oh - speaking of ass kicking!

[The BLUE GHOST advances on ALICE, blocking the way out of the corridor.]

Austin : [Worriedly] I think we need some of those pills, perhaps there are some in the opposite corner, [Frowns] But I have a feeling that the strawberry key is probably in the center of the maze. [Worriedly] ooh!

Alice : Maybe I can stop him with the power of my mind. [Concentrates really hard.]

[Splat. ALICE gets slimed,]

Harvey: [Watching Alice get slimed] That tears it! Troop, I'm going for the middle. You two split up and try and confused these damned ghosts. And for Phili's sake, don't anyone get hit again!! [Heads west]

[HARVEY tries to squeeze his not inconsiderable bulk passed ALICE, and, despite her now slimy consistency, can't get by.]

Alice : Ow! Give me a second! I'll let you through at the crossroads.

Clint : C'mere, Pinky!

Red : Aiieee! [Tries to flee]

Austin : I'll try to get another lot of pills! [Heads east and south]

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Dur: I hope you no what you're doing Clint! [Focuses on the nearest ghost and tries to look menacing] Charge!

Yellow : Oh no! Run away! Run away!

Clint : [Punches the fleeing red ghost in the back of the neck] Got him!

[The RED GHOST disappears with a hideous scream.]

corridor first, but

Alice : [Moves out to the crossroads] Okay, I'll go north, Harvey goes west and Austin south, right?

Harvey: [Beaming] Well done, girl! You'll be a troop commander in no time! [Pushes west]

thread-index: AcfStY6Hp1KDsGlHRri5TKpWPTMJ4gAACE+g him! [Follows Clint's lead and tries to claw at the yellow ghost]=20

Dur: Tiger claw!

Alice : It helps to have a clear mind and a cool head. [Heads south, banging in to Austin] Oops, sorry Aus! [Heads north]

[The YELLOW GHOST tries to avoid DUR's vicious tiger claw, but is caught in the back.]

Yellow : Ow! [Disappears]

Updated map

Harvey: [Still charging west] Where are you, cursed fruit?!

Clint : I got him, Harv!

[HARVEY gets to a T-junction.]

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Dur: Success! Come on Clint, we have to help the others! [Dur runs to the South]

Harvey: [Heads north] What's that, Private Scar?!

Clint : Me 'n Dur, we get the ghosts up - [collides with Alice] Holy crap! What the hell are you doing?

Alice : Phili on a bike, Clint! Don't go sneaking up on people like that!

[HARVEY heads north and sees that there is a small house in the centre, and that the BLUE GHOST is coming out of it.]

Blue : Hey! What the hell do you think you're doing here?

Updated map

Austin : [Heads for the Souther East Corner, shouting to Harvey] Is the fruit somwhere in that central area?

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Dur: [Continues running south obviously flustered] Hey I have an idea, let's duck into that blue building where we can get trapped in a horrible blue maze with fruity ghosts intermittently sliming us and run around like crazy people!=20

Alice : Sounds cool, Dur, but first we have to deal with this blue building where we're trapped in a horrible blue maze with fruity ghosts intermittently sliming us and run around like crazy people.

Blue : [To Harvey] Get the hell away from here!

Harvey: [Tries to get past Blue, calling out] Troop, I need your assistance in the center!

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Dur: I think Harv needs our help, maybe we should do something about it now that we are all reacquainted!=20

Austin : [Shouting] Be careful!

Clint : I'm coming, Harv. [Gets up, using Alice for leverage] Here, Bimbo. [Tosses Alice a pill]

Alice : [Immediately swallows the pill] What is it?

Updated map

Harvey: [Calls out] Where are you, troop?

Alice : Here!

Harvey: [To Alice and Dur, exasperated] Well, come to the center! [Attempts to get around the Blue Ghost]

Alice : [To Dur] Welcome to what centre? What's he talking about? Why's he being so difficult? Why? [Loudly] Why? [Spots Austin, and tosses him a yellow pill] Here, Aussie, it's a pill that a strange man gave me.

[CLINT rounds the corner near HARVEY, just as the three ghosts start coming around the next corner up from him.]

Clint : [Tossing a pill to Harvey] Here y'go, Harv. This'll make dealing with those ghosts a whole lot more fun. [Tosses a yellow pill to Harvey] And this'll help you hurt the buggers!

Updated map

Austin : [Looks at his pill] Hmm, pharmaceuticals on unknown and dubious origin! [To Clint] Let's get 'em! I'll save my pill for the next wave.

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Austin : [To Dur] I expect that you personally vouch alltogether too often. [Heads south and then west to get round behind Harvey and attack the ghosts from the rear]

Clint : [Rounds the corner, just as the ghosts are getting towards Harvey] Hiya, Ghosties!

[All the ghosts scream in terror, and stop in their tracks.]

Alice : [Calls to Austin] I hope there aren't any other monsters down there!

Harvey: Much obliged, Private Scar! [Pops both pills, then charges the Blue Ghost]

Yellow : Run away! Run away!

[The ghosts head back to the door of the small blue house.]

Blue : Hide in the house, they'd never think to search in there!

New map

Harvey: [Impressed] Brilliant thinking, Private! The house, troop!

[The ghosts disappear into the house, followed quickly by the party. The ghosts all back away into the corner, hiding from the party. The house is empty, except for a table in the corner behind the ghosts.]

Blue : Hey! This is a total violation!

Updated map

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Dur: [Shakes his fist at the ghosts] You do know what violated is until you've been slimed by a yellow, blue, or pink ghost!

Alice : [Slightly dreamily] Or all three together. I mean, [aggressively] yeah!

Harvey: Surrender your fruity key, or die!

Blue : We'd love to help you, but having non-corporeal form and all means we can't lift objects. Sorry about that. Thanks for dropping in, and, well, I guess we'll see around.

[Turns to the others and they start having a conversation.]

Blue : What nice people.

Yellow : Indeed. Quite. How delightful their short visit was.

Red : What? I thought they were a bunch of bastards!

Blue : [Slaps Red over the head] Still here!

Harvey: Search the place, troop! Private Scar, watch the door and don't let any of these slime-flinging wretches escape.

Austin : [Nodding in agreement with Blue] Quite! [Nips over to the table and searchs for the fruity key] Can anyone see the fruity key?

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Dur: [Begins searching the place] What are we looking for again?=20

Alice : Austin's got the searching covered, Dur, all we have to do is trash the place. [Looks around at the complete absence of furniture or anything that can be trashed] Well, maybe we'll just wait.

[The ghosts move out of the way as AUSTIN approaches the table, there there is a large metal strawberry.]

Austin : [Grabs the strawberry key] Got it! Lets go! [Gets out od the house and heads for the lock.

[Everyone heads to the door, with CLINT pausing for a moment.]

Clint : Hey, do you think it would kill them if I peed on them?

Alice : [Still in the house] Clint! I think it would kill ALL of us if you pee anywhere near us!

Harvey: [Warning] Keep the Little Private in the foxhole, Private! [Raises his sword and gestures toward the door] Let's move out, doubletime, troop!

Clint : It's the Big General!

[The party head quickly back to the doorway.]

Harvey: Private Sleaze, lead us back to the door. Everyone else, follow along and watch out for ghosts!

Alice : What are you gonna do with them, Clint? Swap fashion tips with Pinky?

[Everyone heads back to the door, with AUSTIN in the lead, without encountering anyone else.]

Austin : [Heads back to the door and tries the key in the lock. With baited breath] I hope this works.

[The lock opens with a satisfying clunk, and the door swings open. Exit the PARTY.]

Red : [Peeking around the corner after they've left] Phew! Those bastards are gone!

Blue : Hey, you know, you are kind of pink.

Yellow : Definitely - maybe they had a point!

[RED bursts into tears and runs back to the house.]

[Book V, Act XII, Scene VII. The Hill. AUSTIN, ALICE, DUR, CLINT and HARVEY are here. This is appears to be the same hill as before, but on a different part and further down. There is no sign of the blue structure, but there are two men here, DR. BARNEY AWESOME, who is wearing a beautiful looking suit, and DR. DODD AWESOME who is completely naked. They both seem reasonably pleased to see the party.]

Dodd : [Enthusiastically] Dudes! That was awesome! [Looks at his clipboard] No party deaths? Awesome. Number of times slimed? Awesome. Time to find the pills? Awesome. Taking the pills without knowing what they were? Awesome. Pushing the ghosts around in their house? Awesome. Summary? Totally awesome! [Turns to Barney] What did you think, bro'?

Barney : Awesome!

Dr. Dodd Awesome

Barney Awesome

Austin : [To Barney, very suprised] That is a rather fine, I mean =20 *Awesome* suit you have, which tailor do you use? [Dismayed] Only my =20 suit has suffered ectoplasmic damage that I don't believe even the =20 most sophisticated drycleaner will be able to cope with. [Looks =20 impressed at Barney's suit again] I fact I should get an entire new =20 wardrobe. Is your tailor close by?

Harvey: [Smiling proudly, but averting his eyes to avoid the naked man] Thank you, good man. We are professionals, and I'm pleased it shows in our performance! Now, if your fully clothed friend could kindly point the way to Minus Thrift, we'll be on our way.

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Dodd : [Chortles] Dude, watch this. [Puts his hands behind his back and still manages to point] That's where Minus Thrift is.

Barney : [Nods to Austin] Why thank you sir. I fear that your formerly awesome suit has been ectoplasmed beyond repair. My tailor lives the life of a hermit at the top of a mountain and only descends to the nearest village twice a year. On those days he measures for new suits and delivers the ones he has made. The entire village celebrates, and songs are sung about the wonderful artistry that each suit represents. Children walk in parades, men tell stories of the suits and their wearers and women, well, women cry when they behold the beauty of the new suits. It's totally awesome!

Clint : [Lighting up a slimy cigar] They're talking gay.

Harvey: [Peeking at the naked man. Points east] This way to Minus Thrift?

Dodd : Totally! [Holds up his hand] High five! [Waits for Harvey to high five him]

Barney : Minus Thrift? Why would you want to go there? Especially when you can join Team Awesome.

Harvey: [Awkwardly salutes Dodd with a high five, looking perplexed. To Barney, politely] That is a very fine offer, young fully dressed man, but we are on a quest to save the world and can't stop for silly childish games with absurd young men.

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Dur: Join team awesome? [Whispers to Clint] Did they just ask us to become gay?

Clint : [To Dur] Well, those of us who aren't already.

Dodd : [High fives Harvey] Awesome!

Barney : Silly childish games? I don't think you understand, Sir. We didn't put the maze there, we merely passed through it too. We have something far more important than saving the world in mind.

Harvey: [To Dodd, looking at his struck hand in shock] Er, indeed! [To Barney] What is your mission, good sir?

Austin : [Adding] And where is the mountain of the awesome tailor that you speak of?

Alice : Yeah! What could be more important than saving the world?

Barney : Saving the universe!

Alice : [To the party] Is that bigger than the world?

Barney : [Laughs] Awesome, awesome. [To Austin] Far, far from here, my friend. Two thousand miles to the east.

Harvey: [Cheerfully, to Austin] Well, we're heading east as it is, so perhaps you can pick up a suit on the way, Private! [To Barney] And what are you saving the universe from?

Barney : [As though expecting applause] Athlacca!

Alice : The demon?

Barney : Awesome! I knew you guys would know about him!

Dodd : [To Alice] High five!

[DODD high fives ALICE, almost knocking her down.]

over the world. eye on this world prevented him

Harvey: [To Barney, impressed] That is a very fine goal, young man! Why don't you travel with us and aid us in our quest? We will most certainly get around to stopping Athlacca at some point!

Barney : I'm sure you will, good sir, but we can't risk any Team Awesome members on this current battle. Of course, all of you would be more than welcome to join Team Awesome, based on your all round awesomeness of getting through the maze.

Alice : Hey, that maze - what was it?

Barney : A series of interconnecting tunnels populated by ghosts. Pretty awesome, if you ask me.

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Dur: Sooo. If we DID consider joining this "Team ga...errr Team Awesome" what would our mission be? And who would save the world?

Austin : [To Barney] Hmm, yes, Athlacca is probably a little anoyed with us as we destroyed on of his control centers that linked him to many different worlds. [Shrugs] But we have not seen or heard from him. Perhaps he didn't mind, after all, Dolorion helped us destroy Athys' control center.

Alice : [To Austin] Unlikely, Aus. Dolorion didn't make him sound like the kind of guy who'd forget something like that.

Dodd : [To Dur] Dude, that's not cool. Would a gay guy be able to do this? [Stands with his hands down by his side and makes his pecks jump up and down]

Dodd : Awesome! Irony high five! [Holds his hand up for Dur to high five him]

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Dodd : [Gives Dur a robust high five, sending him staggering back] Awesome! Team Awesome will take down Athlacca - someone else will save the world. You'd be surprised at how often it needs saving. Someone always steps up to the plate. Last from Conor #20

Austin : [To Dodd] Well, sorry to spoil your little party here, but we were going to save the universe too, howw else could we save the world. [Sighs] The simple fact is that we are very modest, and so we tell people that were saveing the world, even though we know that thins means that we will have to save the universe! [Looks at Dodd] Besides, if you came with us you probably wouldn't last long. No one ever does. [Sighs dissapointedly]

Dodd : Unlikely. Team Awesome will never be defeated!

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Dur: [Doubtfully] There's an army of Morcs that might disagree with you...dude.

Barney : On the contrary - we have no argument with them, we have our eye on the more important goal. [Dramatically] Saving the universe! In nice suits!

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Harvey: [Nods at Dur] Well spotted, Private! [To Team Awesome] Might we ask, what is your plan to defeat Athlacca?

Dodd : Dude, it's a birthday suit!

Harvey: [Patiently] And your plan to defeat Athlacca?

Dodd : I don't yet, but it's gonna be awesome! [To Barney] High five!

[BARNEY high fives him.]

Barney : Currently we are recruiting high calibre operatives to join Team Awesome, and in parallel with this we are conducting research into how to deal with him. Our sister, Audrey, is looking after that.

Dodd : She's awesome!

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Dur: Is she single? And rich?

Dodd : Yes, and yes! High five! [Holds his hand up for Dur to slap]

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Dur: Excellent! [Gives Dodd a high five] I think we have to meet this woman immediately! Errr.... Does she have low standards?

Dodd : [Again almost knocks Dur down, leaving him with a big red mark on his hand] Totally! Her boyfriend before last? Decamillionaire!

Barney : [Almost apologetically to the party] We had a few words with her. Sorted the whole business out almost immediately. She was awesome about it.

Harvey: Yes, well, I'm sure she's a lovely girl, but we really haven't time to review her plans to save the universe, though I'm sure it's on delightful pink notepaper and that she's dotted all of the Is with hearts.

Austin : [To Barney, curiously] So, tell us of some of the greatest adventures that Team Awsome has had to date, it would be great to hear of all the places that you have been and monsters and demons and elves etc, that you have defeated!

Clint: [Snorts.] Typical. [To Barney.] And while you're at it, more about this sister of yours too!

Barney : [To Austin] Greatest adventures? Well, let's see there was -

Alice : [Points behind everyone] Oh my god! Look!

Harvey: [Spins around and gasps] A rock that looks exactly like Pelvis Resley!

Austin : [Goes over to the rock and examines it.] A remarkable likeness.

Dodd : Awesome!

Alice : [Whispers to Harvey] Actually, I was just trying to get them to stop talking. It sounded like it was going to be a really, really, really, really boring story. It was like that time when -

Harvey: [Gasps and points behind Alice]

Alice : [Hands on hips] Oh please. That's not going to fool me!

Barney : Look! The Morcs are coming - several thousand of them by the looks of it.

Dodd : Awesome!

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Dur: [Panicking] Perfect! This is just the right chance for "Team Awesome" to show us what they're made of! Good luck ... dudes. We'll be right behind you. Come Team... Errr Team.... [Whispering to Harvey] Why don't WE have a team name?

Clint: Hey! How the hell can they get past those pastel losers upstairs? Still... [Struggling to keep a straight face.] Stop 'em, Team Aw [breaks up laughing.] ____________________________________________________________________________________

Alice : [Looks behind her] Huh - I don't know what's more disturbing, the thousands of Morcs charging towards us or the fact that there's no sign of the blue house.

Barney : I'd be more disturbed by the thousands of Morcs. We have some carriages, you are more than welcome to borrow one, seeing as how I suspect we'll be meeting again to save the universe.

Austin : [To Barney] An excellent idea, lets jump into a carriage or two and get the hell out of here!

Harvey: [To Barney] Thank you, young man! Will you come with us? [Glances at Dodd] Fully clothed?!

[The party and TEAM AWESOME head behind some bushes where there are two carriages. BARNEY and DODD get on one.]

Barney : I'm afraid not, good sir. [Points to the east] Minus Thrift is that way. [Points to the west] Our mission takes us that way. You are welcome to the other carriage though, seeing as how your party is so awesome and all.

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Dur: [Jumps into the carriage hastily] I still think we need a team name!

Alice : [Leaps into the carriage] How about Team Awesome? That's a cool name!

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Dur: Nah. That names a bit .... fruity.

Harvey: [Beams. To Alice] Very cheery! I like it!

Clint: How about... Team QVP! ____________________________________________________________________________________ Luggage? GPS? Comic books?

Alice : Well, it's not as cool as Team Awesome, but it'll do.

[The MORCS are fast approaching.]

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Dur: [Sees the fast approaching MORCS] Maybe we should put out 'get the hell out of here' plan into motion?

Alice : Good idea, Dur. Hey look, this might be useful. [Picks up a book off the floor title "1000 Awesome Plans"] Let's see. [Starts reading painfully slowly] "Congratulations on the purchase of one thousand awesome plans."

Clint: [Impatiently] Look, Bimbo, do we really want to swipe on of those idiots' ideas? Let's just hop in the carriage and floor it! You know, just like we always do?

Alice : [Disgusted] Floor it? Do you have any idea of the kind of splinters I could get from - [realisation dawns] oh! Oh, I see. Good idea, Stinky! [Revs up the horses like crazy and zooms off, hotly pursued by a bunch of Morc carriages, which are clearly very, very fast.]

[As the chase progresses, the party can see that STUMP is in one of the carriages which is getting closer.]

Stump : Hey! Wait a minute! I just want to talk!

George "Stump" Crosscreek

Austin : [Shouting to Stump] What! So that you can betray us again!

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Dur: I didn't know Morcs could drive! We're doomed! It's almost as if they KNEW we would have a carriage to run from them with! How do you fight driving, psychic Morcs!?

Alice : Easy peasy, Dur, just think about crashing! [Thinks hard]

[The carriages swerves like crazy, clipping trees and hedges, almost going out of control.]

Alice : Uh, maybe not!

Stump : No! I promise! I just need to ask you a question!

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Dur: [To Stump]Yeah right! That's like the oldest trick in the book! How dumb do you think we are.... [Looks at Alice] Errrrr, How dumb do you think MOST of us are?

Austin : [Shouting to Stump] We can hear you from here, traitor! Ask your question!

Alice : [Nods at Dur's words] Well said!

Stump : No! This is something that the Morcs can't hear!

Morc : [The one driving] I can.

Austin : [Shouting to Stump] Well we can't stop now! Especially not for a traitor! Write your question on some paper and shoot it on an arrow into the back of the carriage!

Harvey: [To Stump] Then I suppose we'll just have to wonder what weaselly pack of lies you intended to tell us! [To Alice] Full speed ahead, my girl!

Stump : Uh, okay. [Does so, and fires the arrow]

Alice : You got it, Unc! [Urges on the horses even more] Yah!

[CLINT gets hit in the shoulder with the arrow.]

Clint : Ow! Hey!

Stump : Ooops! Sorry!

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Alice : Take a look at the note, someone!

Harvey: [Looks at the arrow and winces] I'll help you out, soldier! [Attempts to remove the arrow and read the note]

Harvey : [Reads aloud] I can't shoot arrows.

[Everyone turns and looks at STUMP.]

Stump : [Desperately] Well, normally I can't! --- F \ No newline at end of file

Harvey: [Shaking the note at Stump] More of your lies and trickery! We have no time for this, so be on your way or face our wrath!

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Dur: Hey! [Shakes a fist at Stump] That's not a question at all!

Austin : [Shrugs] How was I to know that he couldn't hit the side of a carriage! [Sees Clint throwing the arrow back!] Doh! [Readies his sling and shoots at the closest Morc]

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Dur: [To Stump] Why do you need an army of Morcs to ask us a question?

[CLINT fires the arrow back at the MORC carriage, hitting one of them in the eye.]

Morc : Aiieee! I've just lost an eye!

Stump : Because otherwise I couldn't get near the party - I'm just trying to talk to them, I'm an old friend, a trusted friend, a - hey! Who the hell are you? Did you hurt Chastity? You bastard!

Harvey: [Unimpressed, shouting] That multiple personality/possessed by a demon defense won't work with this troop, you cur!

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Dur: [To Stump] It was an accident I swear! The disease was too far progressed.... their were complications in the operation.... she was too far along to be saved! [Dur looks thoughtful] Wait a minute! I've never operated on a patient named Chastity!

Alice : Lucky her!

Stump : You bastard! I'm gonna kill you! [To the Morcs] Throw me over!

[A bunch of the MORCS throw STUMP at the party's carriage. Unfortunately, he lands just short, and is hanging on the end. Up close, the party can see that he has lost a lot of weight and looks very haggard, as though he hasn't slept properly in months.]

Stump : Please! Just tell me one thing! What does one hundred and eighty mean? I have to know!

Pestilence's last words count down. If that

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Dur: Ummmm.... It's the sum of 79 and 101?

Austin : [Shoots at Stump. Indignantly] Get off! You vile little man!

[AUSTIN's bullet pings off the edge of the carriage, inches away from STUMP's face.]

Stump : No! Please! You've got to tell me!

[The carriage rounds the edge of the hill, and the party can see, in all its glory, MINUS THRIFT. It is a huge walled city set into massive cliffs.]

Alice : Almost there!

Austin : [Indignantly to Stump] How the hell should we know? Have you forgotten that no one ever tells us anyhting!

Stump : You have to know! Please! Why won't you tell me? [Very, very whiny] Pleeeease!

Alice : [Wincing at the sound] Ouch! Make him stop! Faceboot, anyone?

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Dur: [Shrugs at Alice's strange request] Well if you insist... [Promptly kicks Alice in the face with one boot-like, dirty foot]

Stump : You have to know! Please! Why won't you tell me? [Very, very whiny] Pleeeease!

Alice : [Wincing at the sound] Ouch! Make him stop! Faceboot, anyone?

Harvey: [To Alice] Please do the honors, dear girl! Your pointed heel will make our point most clearly.

Clint: Good idea, bimbo! [To Stump.] It means "get the hell off our carriage, jerk!" [Plants his foot in Stump's face and gives a bit of a shove.] [CLINT connects with STUMP just as DUR connects with ALICE. STUMP falls off the carriage while ALICE hangs on, but loses control of the carriage, which begins to swerve wildly.]

Alice : [Bewildered] Ow! What the hell? [Draws her sword and swings at Dur]

thread-index: AcfV5aQD5mkHNQEZQ6KZ7HFbLHxdkQAAVpNg the >carriage, which begins to swerve wildly. Dur

Dur: [Ducks frightened] Easy dear girl! I was just doing as you asked. [Sees Stump get kicked from the carriage and realization suddenly dawns] Ooooooh! No worries my dear girl, I have just the thing for that headache here in my doctors bag!

Alice : [Struggling to stay standing as the carriage carries on out of control] Oh no, [emphasis] I have just the thing! [Swings at Dur again]

[ALICE hits DUR, making him stagger back from the bag.]

Morc : [Driving the carriage that STUMP was thrown for] I can't catch them - there's a maniac driving that thing!

thread-index: AcfV6WZKy7d1jlP2TSmJ1JJJliPKrwAAEspA them >- there's a maniac driving that thing!

Dur: Ow! [Grasping at his now cut arm] That hardly seems equivalent of a kick in the face!

Clint: Of course not! Broads are vicious! They don't settle for just getting even, you know! [Reconsiders.] Well, you know NOW.

Harvey: [Puts himself between Dur and Alice. To Dur, enraged and sputtering] You'd better hope that you can prove to me that you're the kind of moron who misunderstands a clear and direct request for a faceboot! Otherwise, you'll answer to the Flying Fists of Doom!

Alice : [Putting her sword away] God damned freak! [Moodily sits down and regains control of the carriage, which has gone right around in a circle.]

Stump : [Getting up and dusting himself off] Those bastards. I always hated them. I - [notices the party's carriage returning, and gives a big friendly smile] Hi guys! I knew you'd be back for me! I was thinking - that hundred and eighty thing, maybe it has something to do with Clementine. You know? Because of the - [Bonk. Gets rolled right over]

Austin : [To Dur] And you should also know not to take what a woman says litterally! [Shoots at the nearest Morc before continuing] For example, when a woman asks 'Does one's posterior appear overly robust in this dress', one always replys, 'Of course not, how could it? You look like a beautiful princess on her way to a ball' [Ponders] Unless of course she is a beautiful princess on the way to a ball [Shoots at another Morc] In which case it would only work if she liked a little light satire. [Loads his sling shot again].

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Dur: [Pulls Clint between himself and Harvey and Alice] I didn't misunderstand the request for a faceboot, just the target! I'm a victim of Pre - Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome! I'm a doctor not a warrior and so I'm not used to being chased by an Army of marauding Morcs!

Alice : Keep it up, weirdo, and you'll get to experience it right up! [To the party] Who the hell is this Clementine? last three acts, found, several NPCs

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Dur: [Sits down pouting] Well MAYBE if this party would start being nicer to me, I wouldn't be so confused!

Harvey: [To Dur] Well, cowardly quack you may be, surely I don't need to tell you that kicking my beloved niece is NEVER the correct response to a faceboot request?!

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Dur: Oh Well! *Raises his hands exasperated* NOW you tell me. You know, this kind of need to know information is something you should really tell people up front.=20 [Dur goes back to pouting]

Alice : [Turns and glares] Yeesh! Now he's sulking? What happen? You hurt your foot when you [loudly] kicked me in the face!

[The carriage is now heading straight towards Minus Thrift, hotly pursued by about ten Morc carriages.]

thread-index: AcfV8E7KupqPd/D/RI6dc0rbsTLYZQABCLUQ hurt >your foot when you [loudly] kicked me in the face! hotly >pursued by about ten Morc carriages.

Dur: Well, IF you MUST know, I did twist my ankle a bit. Now what are we going to do about the dirty Morcs following us?

Harvey: Outrun them, of course! [Ponders] You know, that 180 nonsense happened quite some time ago. What day is this now, niece?

Austin : [To Harvey] If I may, I believe that it is day 179. So tomorrow is the big day. Perhaps we should find this Clementine?

Alice : Aus is right - today is day 179. Perhaps we should find this Clementine, but do you think that they're gonna let us? [Points back at the sixty Morc carriages gaining on the party]

[The party are about five hundred yards from the city walls and gate, which is closed. There is no sign of life around the walls.]

Austin : [To Alice] Perhaps we should try the rear entrance?

Alice : [Glances back at Austin and gives him an incredulous look] You mean - [realisation dawns] oh! Well, there's no back entrance here, Aus, it's built into the cliff. Maybe if we had some heroic music going in the background? [Searches through the dashboard and finds and a bunch of LDs (Large Discs) there] Let's try this one.

[A beautiful waltz comes on, causing the carriage and the purusing Morcs to slow down, swerving from side to side in time with it.]

Alice : Maybe we should try another one?

Harvey: [Beams at Alice] Well done, my girl! You've tamed the savage beasts! [Looks at the gate] Have we any more of that explosive?

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Austin : [Passes Alice an LD, reading the label] "Hauze Vounderlick's old favourties for Hamond organ." Sounds terrible.

Alice : Explosive? Uh, no, and anyway, if we did, are we sure we want to blow up the thing separating those in the city from Jerome? Let's try another LD.

[Hefts one of the enormous Large Discs and sticks it into the player. The song that comes on is "Sunshine, Lollipops and Rainbows" and causes Alice to slow down even further, and for the Morcs to get even closer.]

Harvey: [Watching the Morcs] Gah! [Flips through the LDs and finds one] This should do it! ["When Johnny Comes Marching Home Again Just in Time to See the Saints Go Marching In," a lively and jazzy military marching song, starts playing]

Alice : [Wincing at the sound of Harvey's song] It better be worse than this one, Aus. [Throws the LD to the nearest Morc carriage]

[The MORCs put it on, and all immediately start screaming and throwing themselves off the carriage.]

Alice : Cool! Now, have you got another forty five?

Harvey: [Finds another LD entitled, "Penitent Sounds" and flings it to the Morcs] Take that, monsters!

Dur : That's not a 45, that's an LD!

[The MORC driving the nearest carraige has his head sliced off by HARVEY throwing the LD, causing the carriage to crash, but the others are getting ever closer.]

Alice : Let's see, what we need is some good old fashioned hillbilly chase music. See what banjo music we have!

Clint: [With a look of deep distaste.] I dunno, but if this Genny K LD doesn't stop them, nothing will! [Throws the offending disc at another of the morc carriages.]

[The disc hits the front of the carriage and becomes embedded in it. The carriage gradually slows down, as do all the MORCS on it, until it is stationary, and they are all frozen solid.]

Alice : Good call, Stinky! Uh, we're getting really close to the gate, and those other carriages are gonna catch us! [Sticks in another LD, of movie themes]

[Just as some exciting music pops up, SVEN appears above the gate.]

Sven : [With a huge smile as he sees the party] Yup! It's those Queens View wasters all right!

Sven Goring of their best friends.

Harvey: [Calls out] Just in time! Get those gates ready, my boy! [To the party] We've got to stop these creatures. [Flings an LD of Bicheal Molton's "When a Man Loves a Woman Too Much" and Deline Cion's "My Heart Will Go On . . . And On and On"]

Morc : Kill them! In the name of Clementine!

[HARVEY's LDs hit his carriage, causing it to explode. Meanwhile, the gate opens a fraction just thousands of soldiers appear at the top of the walls, firing down on the Morcs.]

Alice : Yeeeeha! [Heads towards the open gate]

Clint: Hey, that's my line! Yeeeeeha! [Looks for the carriage's bugle so he can play a quick version of Dixie.]

[CLINT blows the bugle triumphantly, but just gets a farting sound like the guy at the end of The Muppets. The carriage nips in through the gap in the gate which is shut immediately after. There is a large courtyard here full of soldiers, all of whom are cheering as the party come in. SVEN slides down a ladder and lands beside the party.]

Sven : Haw! Late as usual! How are you, my friends?

Austin : [Brightening up considerably] Aaah, Sven. Good to see you. =20 [Ducks down in the carriage and gets changed into a new suit, throwing =20 a rather slimy on out of the carriage as he does so. Pops his head out =20 of the carriage] With you in just a minute! [Moments later, steps out =20 of the carriage wearing a stunning blue suit by Sean Pablo Maultier, a =20 startling hand-embroidered shirt by Walff Pourin, and hand stiched =20 panda skin evening shoes, by Gosslino. Looking in his pocket mirror, =20 putting the finishing touches to his hair. To Sven] Good to see you =20 again old fellow, sorry about the suit, it's hard to find a good =20 tailor when there is a war on.

Harvey: [To Sven, with a hearty handshake] Might have guessed we'd find you where the action is!

Sven : Might have guessed I'd find you lot in the thick of that action!

Alice : Sven, who the hell is Clementine? Everyone we met seemed to be talking about Clementine. Either that Clementine was the key to defeating Jerome or that they were sons of Clementine. Who or what is Clementine?

Sven : [Scratching his chin] Clementine? That's the name of that hill that you just came from.