THE QUEENS VIEW AFFAIR

[Book V, Act XI, Scene I. Outside the Cafe Apologia. ALICE, AUSTIN, CLINT, HARVEY, VINDEL and BRYAM are here, having just arrived. It is the following evening, and the party have been told to try and find information about the state of the Interior in the cafe. The cafe is on the edge of the Interior, and there are five caves beyond it, each apparently leading downwards. There are lights on in the cafe, which is the only building in view (the party is now underground) and there are some people in there. There is a sign on the door that says "Sorry we're open."]

Alice : [Hands the wand over to Harvey] Here you go, Uncle Harvey, you should look after this.

Austin : [Watches Alice hand the wand over, and shrugs. Austin wanders up to the cafe and peers through a window] A veritable nexus between the realms.

Alice : [Also peering in] Hm, kinda difficult to see in. Anyone hungry?

Harvey: [Takes the wand and absently scratches a sideburn with it. To Alice] Dear girl, you read my mind! An army travels on its stomach, what!

Austin : [Looks slightly uneasy as Harvey scratches his side burn with the wand] Colonel, I suggest that it may be best if Vindel carries the wand, he is a wizard after all, and you will surely need your hands free for combat, incase we are ambushed, or something. [Looks hopefull]

Harvey : [Pocketing the wand] Nonsense, Private Sleaze! Nonsense! I'm sure we'll be fine.

[The door of the cafe opens. Enter HUSTIN DUFFMAN, a pleasant looking human in a nice dinner suit. He is standing holding the door open.]

Hustin : [Gives a bright smile and looks around at everyone] Hello everyone - [a little sheepishly] I'm sorry.

Hustin : I'm sorry, I'm Hustin Duffman. Would you like to come in?

Hustin Duffman

Harvey: [To Vindel] That's it, recruit, always show the proper respect to your commanding officer! [To Huffman] Well, sir, we would be delighted. What delights are you serving today?

Hustin : [Stepping back and holding the door] Today we have humble pie. Sorry about that.

Harvey: [To Hustin] Humble pie, eh? [Hopefully, stomach rumbling] That's not the one with snake's feet, is it?

Bryam: [Frowning] I dislike humble pie. Are you sure there's nothing else to eat? [Looks slyly at Hustin] I don't mind if it costs me a little extra

Clint: [Echoing Harvey] Humble pie, eh? And you're sorry about that? Well, you should be! Weirdo.

Hustin : Sorry about that. [To Bryam] You could try talking to the chef, but he's in a sorry state.

Harvey: [To Hustin] And why is the chef in a sorry state?! What in the blazes has a chef got to worry about? His gravy didn't thicken? His souffle fell?! It's baking, not war, what!

Bryam: [To Hustin]: Never mind, I'll have the pie

Hustin : [To Harvey] I'm sorry. [To Bryam] Please, come on in.

[The party enter, and see that there are three other people in the cafe, one of whom is behind the counter. That is GEORGE SPECSWEARER, who is wearing a number of pairs of glasses, while the other two are STOOTSIE DUFFMAN and LAZARUS DUFFMAN. STOOTSIE is a somewhat overwrought looking woman while LAZARUS looks the most laidback of all.]

Lazarus : [With a big smile] Come in! Come in! We're sorry to have you here!

George Specswearer

Lazarus

Stootsie [The party enter, and see that there are three other people in

Bryam: Holding up one hand] Greetings. I have a thirst. What drinks do fine people you serve?

Austin : [To the Duffmans] Hello. [Looks at the menu and glances around the place, and peeks into the kitchen if he can] What an ... interesting establishment you have here. [More thoughtfully] Fascinating location, you must get lots of interesting customers.

Hustin : [To Bryam] Just water, I'm afraid. Sorry.

[The others all nod a greeting to AUSTIN as he looks at the menu, which is completely empty.]

Lazarus : [With a big smile] Sure we do! None as interesting as you folks, though.

Stootsie : Sorry Hon, we don't have any cups, or any tea. Sorry about that.

Vindel:[To Stootsie] Just [pause] Please, I will have a glass of water, and some of that ''humble pie'' you speak of. Thank you. [Vindel writes something in his book] Do you have a useable washroom in the building?

Austin : [To the Duffmans] Appart from water, what other wares do you proffer?

Stootsie : [Shakes her head] Sorry, sweetie, there's no water left. [Points at another door] There's the wash room.

Lazarus : [To Austin, beaming] Nothing!

Vindel:[After a pause for looking at the door] My thanks.[walks in the bathroom and casts Cantrip to clean his hair, body and clothing] [To himself] What a strange adventure I've gotten myself into this time. [He lets out a long sigh] Well, at least...

[VINDEL opens the door of the bathroom to reveal that the place is absolutely reeking and filthy.]

Stootsie : Sorry!

Austin : [Watches Vindel cleaning the place] You had better not let the cleaners union catch you doing that.

Lazarus : [Bidding the party to sit down] So, what can I do for you folks? Looking for an apology? A recant? Confession? We've got them all, I'm sorry to say.

Harvey: [To Lazarus, stomach rumbling] As long as you can round up some sustanance for the troop, you've no need to apologize, chappie!

Bryam: Speaking of food [looking around] may I see your kitchen? If you've got one that is?

Lazarus : [To Harvey] In that case, please accept my humble apologies. [Gives Bryam a sheepish grin] No, we don't. I'm afraid we're a sorry excuse for a cafe. Sorry about that.

Austin : [To Harvey] Is it not rather concerning that there should be a fully staffed cafe, in such a place as this [looks around] that has no food, or even water? [Looks at Harvey hoping that he gets the hint]

Harvey : [Turns to Austin, looking shocked] You mean... some blackguards have stolen all the food? Outrageous! [Loudly] Outrageous, I say!

Lazarus : [Soothingly] It's okay, we haven't been robbed. We just don't serve food or drink.

Clint: And with the state of your boghouse, it's just as well, you sick freaks! [Pauses, suspiciously.] Just what DO you people do out here?

Lazarus : We apologise.

Austin : [To Clint] They serve appology, with side dishes of amends and atonement, hot concessions and sparkling confessions, chilled excuses, frivolus explanations of extenuating circumstances, with ample helpings of justification and mitigation, followed by after dinner vindication. [Pauses. To Harvey] But no food or drink. Should we get going?

Harvey : [Stomach rumbles massively] Mmm. Mitigation!

Alice : But weren't we supposed to be doing something here? Other than getting no food, that is.

Clint: Were we? Snyder said something about coming here, but he didn't really say why. [To Lazarus] You! Weirdo! Why would people come here?

Lazarus : To get something back from the world. To be shown that people care. To be shown that their feelings do matter.

Clint: [Shies back from Lazarus like a startled mustang.] Hey! We'll have none of that touchy-feely crap! Be a man, dammit!

Harvey: [To Clint] Easy there, private, we'll get to the bottom of this! [To Lazarus] Tell me, sir, what has happened in this dreadful place to cause your lily-livered belly-aching?

Lazarus : Forgive me, please, I must have explained myself incorrectly. [Slaps himself hard across the face] We are not lily-livered belly-achers but lily livered belly acher healers.

Harvey: [Astounded] Self-abusing healers?! [Scratches a sideburn] I wonder what the good Sister would have to say about that!

Austin : [To Harvey] What a curious choice of past time! [Ponders] Or should that be waste of time? Anyway, never mind. [To Lazarus] SO you are ssaying that you are going to appollogise to us for the terrible ways in which we have been treated and generally abused?

Lazarus : Yes, we're awfully sorry about that.

Alice : So, uh, is there a lot of call for your services?

Lazarus : Business is booming!

Clint: Or are you going to apologize in advance for the crap we'll have to put up with when we go into the Interior? 'Cuz that sounds like a huge waste of time.

Bryam: Do these apologies actually mean anything? I have learnt that sometimes, words will do nothing. I hope that's not the case for this

Austin : [To Bryam] Quite correct. We need action, not words! [To Harvey] Shall we go and get some action Colonel?

Lazarus : [To Clint] No, sorry, we don't apologise in advance. [To Bryam] And sometimes, words will do a lot.

[Enter OHMLOSS HECKLER, storming into the cafe. He goes right up to the counter, not even looking at the party.]

Ohmloss : [To Stootsie] My breakfast was cold this morning!

Stootsie : Aw, sorry about that, honey.

Ohmloss Heckler ### Alice, Austin, Clint and Harvey met Ohmloss when they were originally ### in the Interior. He is a policeman in Paranoia, and had a very low ### opinion of humans in general, and of the party in particular

Austin : [To Alice, giggling childishly] Isn't that the policeman with the really small ... [whispers to Alice]

Alice : [Looks at Ohmloss before turning back to Austin] Well, he's [emphasis] one of them!

Ohmloss : [Turn to the party] What the hell are they doing here?

Stootsie : Aw, poor Ohmie, I'm sorry. Would you like some deep fried cat wings? I know they're your favourite.

Ohmloss : [Face lights up] Yes! Do you have some?

Stootsie : No, sorry.

Bryam: [To Lazarus] You misunderstand. It's not that words are worthless, Phili forbid, I'd be out of a job, just that yours seem to be

Austin : [To Ohmlosss] If you don't already know what we are doing here then it's probably best that you don't.

Lazarus : [To Bryam] Sorry about that.

Ohmloss : [Snarling at Austin] How can I know that it's probably best that I don't know what you are doing here if I don't know what you're doing here? That makes no sense. The only way I can know for sure that it's best that I don't know what you're doing here is if I do know what you're doing here, because then I can know whether or not I should know or not.

Austin : [To Ohmloss, calmly] I meant best for us and the elves, not you personally.

Ohmloss : What the hell do you know about what's good for elves? [To Stootsie] What the hell do they know? They're just humans!

Stootsie : [Soothingly] I know, I know. Sorry about that.

Lazarus : [To Austin] Sorry about all the hassle, old chap. We get a lot of elves in here blowing off steam. They like to have humans apologise to them.

Austin : [To Vindel] This is Ohmloss, a policeman with very small genitalia. [|To Ohmloss, calmly] I know that it's better for elves to be alove, than dead. We are here to save the elves and humans in the interior.

Ohmloss : I am a policeman from Paranoia. [Stands beside Vindel, glaring at the party] Doesn't it make you sick?

Bryam: I wish I could have elves apologise to me. Arrogant creatures. It's a shame they have such good music, otherwise I could hate everything about them

Austin : [To Bryam, laughing] Good music! [Laughs] Apologising elves [Laughs] Are you on some form of psychotropic medication?

Vindel:[To Bryam] Appologize to you, please. I believe even humans should refuse to give you a hint of power. Please, just don't talk, or at least don't insult us, you might bring something unwanted to this scene.[To himself] And they call us intollerant...

Bryam: I might be. I forget. The apologising is a bit far fetched, I know, but the music's not that bad. [Starts singing quietly to himself]

Harvey: [In a loud whisper to Bryam] Show some diplomacy, recruit! [Louder, to everyone else] And I say, those elves, they're not entirely awful, what! Just think of their [pauses, stumped]. . . . Oh, and let's not forget their contributions to [again stumped]. . . . [To the rest of the party, vigorously] Isn't that right, troop?

Alice : [Nodding in agreement with Harvey's words] Yes, yes, well said! No one does [low mumble] like the elves do. Oh! They're really good at making cuckoo clocks!

Ohmloss : [Looks at Vindel in disgust] So, you're with these? Hm. I'm here scouting the perimeter, seeing what kind of scum is trying to get in now.

Bryam: Don't worry sir, if we see any scum, we'll be sure to tell you. [To Vindel] How does your diplomacy work then? Just out of interest

Harvey: [To Ohmloss, offended] Didn't you just hear my dear niece praising the cuckooery of your people? We are not here to make trouble, but we are also not here to be insulted, what!

Austin : [To Ohmloss] So have you discovered anything during your reconoitre of the area?

Ohmloss : [Pointedly ignoring Harvey] That humans are even more stinky than I expected. [Checks his cuckoo clock watch]

Stootsie : Sorry about that!

Harvey: [To Ohmloss] This is an outrage! What did Private Scar ever do to you?

Ohmloss : He came into Paranoia with reckless abandonment!

Stootsie : Sorry.

Ohmloss : He made me and the local constabulary look stupid.

Stootsie : Sorry.

Ohmloss : He fraternised with a criminal element.

Stootsie : Sorry.

Ohmloss : And not just him, all of you!

Stootsie : Ye-es, sorry about that.

Clint: [Chuckles a bit.] Ah, good times! Anyway, Peewee, we have a world to save, so don't go making trouble, huh?

Austin : [To Ohmloss] Please excuse my comrades, most of us humans also find Mr Scar's general hygene throughly insufficient. [Pauses. To Ohmloss] So, what have you discovered during your travels?

Ohmloss : That the sinful and barbaric ways of the humans has lead to their downfall, that Dangsten and Jeromitus will soon destroy you all.

Clint: [Scratching himself, looks up at Austin.] Real men don't use baby powder, dammit!

Austin : [To Clint] I suppose you'd know all about Real mens's personal hygene, Mr Scar. [Wanders over to the door and opens it. To the Party] Shall we go there appears to little of worth to our current cause in here.

Harvey: Agreed, Private Sleaze! Not even a crust of bread!

Clint: [Looking around the place somewhat irritatedly.] And look at all the delightful company!

Bryam: Not to mention the wonderful conversation [looks at Lazarus, daring him to apologise]

Lazarus : Sorry!

Ohmloss : I've had enough.

[Exit OHMLOSS, storming off in a huff, almost colliding with two other elves who are trying to get in.]

Austin : [Peers casually to see who the other two elves are] This place becomes more curious by the hour.

[Enter GILLETTE FUSION and PANTENE PROVY, both of whom are elves. PANTENE has the typical indifferent elven expression on her face, while GILLETTE looks surprisingly bedraggled, and is clearly delighted to see the party.]

Gillette : [Beaming] Ah! Humans! How wonderful!

Pantene Provy

Gillette Fusion

Harvey: [Also delighted, but looking at Pantene] At last! Good lady, could you please take our order? How fresh is the locust this time of year?

Pantene : [Horrified] I am not here to serve you.

Lazarus : [To Pantene] Sorry! Sorry!

Pantene : That's okay.

Gillette : [Laughs loud] Haw! Wonderful! I love you humans!

Clint: [To Pantene, with his best cheesy grin] How you doin'? [Pauses expectantly.] And why are you here, babe? Slumming with the oldtimer?

Austin : [To Clint] Charming as ever Mr Scar. [To Gillette] It is unusual for an elf to be pleased to see a human, [Frowns] especially when Mr Scar is one of the humans in question. Were you looking for humans for some reason?

Gillette : [Laughs at Pantene's obvious discomfort] Haw! Wonderful! I think he likes you! [Gives Clint a big wink, before turning to Austin, nodding] Yes, yes, it is unusual, far too unusual. Rest assured, friend, I am not like that, I am an expert in human behaviour. [Hugs Austin close, holding him there] Now, do we wipe our faeces on each other now, or later on?

Clint: [Amused] Both! [Quickly, as an addendum.] But only to the first person who speaks to you.

Austin : [Wriggling out of Gilette's hug] I would be extreemely upset if you rubbed anything on me, and there are very few humans who would appreciate you rubbing faeces on them, [pauses] very few, thankfully. [To Gillette] You appear to have a very strange idea about humans, considering you claim to be an expert, where on earth did you hear of such a strange custom?

Bryam: Well, there are some parts of the world...Actually, better not to dwell on that.

Gillette : [Lets Austin wriggle free, looking a little disappointed] Oh, hm. I got the information from this. [Holds up a book titled "The Curious Ways of Humans and Other Surface Dwellers"] I hope the rest of the book isn't so inaccurate.

Alice : [Takes the book and opens a page at random, and begins reading from it] "The human female, on the other hand, has three penises." Hm.

Austin : [To Gillette] It sounds as if your book maybe completely fictional.

Lazarus : [To Gillette] Sorry about that.

Gillette : Oh. Then it's not true that there are some humans who might be prepared to help Elvenkind?

Austin : [SUprised, nonchalantly] We'll we are here to help elvenkind, and there are quite a few more like us. Your book may well have some facts after all.

Gillette : Excellent! Excellent! Who are you fine people that you wish to help us?

Austin : [To Gillette] We are the Queens View party, Colonel Harvey Kingston-Short III, Alice Kingston-Short , Mr Scar, Bryam and Vindel, and I am Austin Sleaze [Hands Gillette a business card] A lawyer, should you ever get into trouble on the surface.

Harvey: [Gesturing grandly to himself] I am Colonel Harvey Kingston-Short, sir, commander of this troop. [Gesturing to each in turn] This is my dear niece, Alice, and these are Private Scar, Private Sleaze, and [pauses, looking at Bryam, confused] the new recruit! [Dramatically] And it is not just you we wish to help, but all of humanity!

Harvey: [To Austin, miffed] Private Sleaze, you are speaking out of turn! Your commanding officer speaks for the troop!

Gillette : [Astounded] You mean, you are [emphasis] the Queens View party? Then, you - you have returned with the wand?

Alice : Sure. I have it here.

Gillette : May I see it?

Alice : [Shrugs] I don't see why not. [Checks her pockets, calmly at first, but with increasing panic] Oh my God! Someone stole the wand!

Austin : [With a well humored salute, standing to attention, to Harvey] Yes Colonel, sir!

Harvey: [Taken aback at Austin's obedient salute] Er, very good, Private! As you were! [To Alice] Confound, isn't that always the way, dear niece! Just when you need lunch or the keys to your front door, they're nowhere to be found! Now let's think and retrace your steps [mutters to himself and ponders Alice's recent movements, complete with wild hand gestures].

Vindel : Perhaps the wand they speak of is the one she gave you outside the cafe?

Austin : [To Alice] You gave the wand to the Colonel. The Colnel put it into his jacket pocket. Inside left. [Glances at Harvey, casually] I suggested that Vindel carried it since he is the only member of the troop that is proficient in magic.

Clint: [Shaking his head sadly] The way we humans say this is "is that a wand in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me." You jave a lot of work to do if you want to blend in up here!

Vindel : And you have much work to do if you are to blend in down there.

Harvey: [Reaches into his pocket to feel the wand. To Alice, beaming] Aha! Thank you for reminding me, dear girl. No one is sharper than a Short, what!

Clint: Right on, Harv! So, we have the wand, we have a helpful elf and an elfbabe, what more do we need? wand"

Alice : That's right Unc, there's nothing like Short, Sharp, Shock!

Pantene : [To Clint] You need to explain why you are here.

Bryam: [Stepping forward] Bryam, ma'am. [Looks at Harvey] Private Bryam if you prefer. I was instructed to take the wand, and myself with it, to the Interior. These fine people [nods in the general direction of the others] have kindly accompanied me thus far in this quest. [To Harvey] Sir, I shall allow you to explain from here.

Clint: [Trying hard to be dashing and impressive, but failing utterly] We're here to save the world! Again.

Harvey: [To Bryam] Well said, Private. [To Pantene, all business] Now, madame, would you be so good as to aid us by whipping up a nice lunch so that we may be on our way?

Austin : [To Pantene] We are here as we are on our way to the interior to return the wand to the elves and help the elves and humans defeat the morcs and Dangsten etc. [Looks around. To Pantene] Why else would we be here? [Looks around the cafe, in a very dissaproving maner]

Austin : [Smirks. To Pantene] I believe that the colonel thinks that you ought to be a fine chef.

Bryam: Well, she is a woman. [To Pantene] No offence ma'am

Austin : [To Bryam] That is a most sexist remark, Mr Bryam. I expect that you are one of those men who are unable to sit down to urinate, incase they suddenly become female [Chuckles, turns to Pantene] Please excuse my associates, they have culturally archaic minds.

Bryam: [To Austin] And I expect you're one of those men who can't stand up to urinate, in case he realises he is a woman. [Laughing] No, I'm joking, on both counts. Don't get your knickers in a twist about it

Pantene : [To Austin] They are human, after all.

Gillette : Save the world? Wonderful! Wonderful! And what about Dangsten and the others?

Alice : I don't think they're going to try to save the world.

Austin : [To Gillette, deadpan] We will try to make them see the error of their ways, and encourage them to make amends. [gives a tiny smirk, watching Gillette's reaction]

Harvey: [Nods at Austin. To Gillette] Indeed, that is what will we do! Have you any aid or useful information to help us?

Gillette : [Roars with laughter] Wonderful! Wonderful! And how are you going to do that? Clementine?

Austin : [Rolls his eyes] Sheeesh! [Lights a cigarette and blows a few casual smoke rings]

Alice : Who's Clementine?

Gillette : The key to defeating Dangsten!

Austin : [To ALice] Either Dangsten's darling, or his offspiring, either way, probably another innocent that has to die 'for the greater good' [Looks disguste at the phrase, flicks some ash into an ashtray, or the nearet bin]

Clint: Or maybe it's a really big magic sword. You never know...

Bryam: [To Austin] Innocents die all the time. What do you think soldiers are for? At least this one might die for a reason. Or maybe, as our large friend here suggests, it's a sword. Y'know, for killing innocents with

Harvey: Well, it had better be a weapon of some kind. I wouldn't dare disrespect my dear bride by travelling with another woman! TGFzdCBmcm9tIGhlYXRoZXIgMTEzDQoNCkFsaWNlIDogWWVhaCwgdGhhdCB3b3VsZCBiZSBbc3Vk ZGVubHkgcmVhbGlzZXMgd2hhdCBIYXJ2ZXkgaGFzIGp1c3Qgc2FpZF0gd2hhYWF0Pw0KDQoNClNl bnQgZnJvbSBteSBCbGFja0JlcnJ5riB3aXJlbGVzcyBoYW5kaGVsZCAg

Harvey: [To Alice, gently] Sorry, dear girl, I meant to tell you straight away but there were new recruits to process and rations to be scrounged. [Beams proudly] You have a new auntie! [Misty-eyed] I only wish you could have been there for the ceremony. You would have been so pretty in your wedding finery [pats Alice fondly]!

Alice : [Wide eyed in shock at Harvey's revelation] Oh. My. God. [To the others] The question should be why would anyone want to get tied to one woman like [emphasis] that!

Austin : [Raises a suprised eyebrow to Bryam] It was not the death of the innocent itself that I was expressimg my disgust at, it was the heavily abused idea that 'the needs of the many out weigh the needs of the few', that I do not like. It is utter codswallop! DQpTZW50IGZyb20gbXkgQmxhY2tCZXJyea4gd2lyZWxlc3MgaGFuZGhlbGQgIA0KDQotLS0tLU9y aWdpbmFsIE1lc3NhZ2UtLS0tLQ0KRnJvbTogZGpvYkBzdGFmZm1haWwuZWQuYWMudWsNCkRhdGU6 IE1vbiwgMDUgRmViIDIwMDcgMTA6MDk6MjMgDQpUbzpDb25vciBSeWFuIDxDb25vci5SeWFuQHVs LmllPg0KQ2M6U2FtdWVsIDx0aGVnbGFpdmVtYXN0ZXJAZ21haWwuY29tPiwgSGVhdGhlcjxoZWF0 aGVyLmdvZ2dhbnNAZ21haWwuY29tPiwgICAgICAgIkNvbm9yIChHbWFpbCkiIDxjb25vci5yQGdt YWlsLmNvbT4sICAgICAgIFRvbUhlbmRlcnNvbiA8dGhnOHJndXlAeWFob28uY29tPiwgICAgICAg IkNvbm9yIEAgUHlycmhhIiA8Y29ub3JAcHlycmhhLmNzaXMudWwuaWU+DQpTdWJqZWN0OiBbcXZd IDExLjAxLjExNw0KDQpMYXN0IGZyb20gQ29ub3IgIyAxMTYNCg0KPiBBbGljZSA6IFtXaWRlIGV5 ZWQgaW4gc2hvY2sgYXQgSGFydmV5J3MgcmV2ZWxhdGlvbl0gT2guIE15LiBHb2QuIFtUbw0KPiB0 aGUgb3RoZXJzXSBUaGUgcXVlc3Rpb24gc2hvdWxkIGJlIHdoeSB3b3VsZCBhbnlvbmUgd2FudCB0 byBnZXQgdGllZCB0bw0KPiBvbmUgd29tYW4gbGlrZSBbZW1waGFzaXNdIHRoYXQhDQoNCkF1c3Rp biA6IFtSYWlzZXMgYSBzdXByaXNlZCBleWVicm93IHRvIEJyeWFtXSBJdCB3YXMgbm90IHRoZSBk ZWF0aCBvZiAgDQp0aGUgaW5ub2NlbnQgaXRzZWxmIHRoYXQgSSB3YXMgZXhwcmVzc2ltZyBteSBk aXNndXN0IGF0LCBpdCB3YXMgdGhlICANCmhlYXZpbHkgYWJ1c2VkIGlkZWEgdGhhdCAndGhlIG5l ZWRzIG9mIHRoZSBtYW55IG91dCB3ZWlnaCB0aGUgbmVlZHMgb2YgIA0KdGhlIGZldycsIHRoYXQg SSBkbyBub3QgbGlrZS4gSXQgaXMgdXR0ZXIgY29kc3dhbGxvcCENCg0KDQo= UGFudGVuZSA6IG5vIG9uZSBzYWlkIGl0IGhhZCB0byBtYWtlIHNlbnNlLiBJdCdzIHB1cmUgc3Rh dGlzdGljcy4NCg0KOzs7IHN0aWxsIHN0dWNrIGluIHRoZSBtZWV0aW5nIQ0KDQoNClNlbnQgZnJv bSBteSBCbGFja0JlcnJ5riB3aXJlbGVzcyBoYW5kaGVsZCAg

Austin : [Laughing lightly] Indeed, death by statistics, that has to be the worse way to die!

Bryam: I can think of worse. Death by boredom, perhaps. Speaking of which, aren't we meant to be doing something interesting?

Harvey: [To Bryam] We will not tolerate complainers in this troop, recruit! [To the party, stomach rumbling] When in blazes are we having lunch?!

Austin : [To Harvey] There does not appear to be anything here to eat or drink, colonel, perhaps this is merely a delaying tactic of the enemy?

Lazarus : [To Austin] Yeah, sorry about that.

Gillette : Ha! Wonderful! Suspicion! How delightfully savage you humans are!

Clint: Or maybe this place is just run by a bunch of incompetent fools. [Looks over at Lazarus] Sorry about that.

Bryam: [Laughs at Clint's joke] I'm with you there

Lazarus : [Taken aback] Uh, that's - that's okay.

Alice : [To Gillette] Who's Clementine?

Gillette : Who she is? I do not know. Where she comes from? I do not know. Where she is now? I do not know. What her destiny is? I have a fair idea.

Harvey : And what about lunch, chappie? What do you know about that?

Gillette : [Checks his book] That's when humans drink vast quantities of alcohol while thinly disguising their consumption as a gentle meal, before returning to work even more incompetent and unreliable than usual, right?

Pantene : [To Gillette] Are you sure this is wise? [Looks around] There may be people listening.

Alice : Not us, we never listen to anyone.

Pantene : [Eyes narrow] I meant them. [Glances over at the Huffmans]

Clint: Is that the problem, babe? Hell, I can solve that. [To the Huffmans] Sorry about this, but why don't you losers head out on back so we can talk in peace? If we need an apology, we'll holler.

George : [Shouting angrily at Clint] Hey! We're the ones who apologise here, you bastard!

Lazarus : [Holds his hands up to Clint] Sorry, but demarcation and all that.

Austin : [Puts his cigarette out in an ash tray. To Gilette] So, this Clementine, what do you know about her?

Harvey: [Proudly] Well, she can't hold a candle to my Jasmine, I can tell you that right now.

Clint: Well, why the hell would she want to do that anyway? People who hold candles to other people get in trouble when the cops see the burn marks, and besides, it's just plain weird!

Austin : [Watches Clint for a few seconds to see if he says anything funny, then looks away, casually looking out of the window. Muttering] Just plain weird. [Frowns at the filthy windows, sighs and turns back] Well I rather liked Jasmine, she was very nice. [To Harvey] It's a pitty we couldn't make the wedding colonel.

Harvey: [To Austin] Thank you, Private. There were a good many pretty young girls, so I think you would have had an excellent time, indeed! More than just pretty faces, too, they're the most kind-hearted lot I've ever seen. They're all part of my wife's charity group, reaching out to troubled young boys, that sort of thing [beams proudly].

Austin : [To Harvey, a little suprised, and with a doubtful expression] Indeed colonel, a most honourable effort. I'm suprised that Sister Chastity didn't approve of such charitable efforts. [Muses] Jealousy I suppose.

Harvey: [Nodding, in a low voice] Not to speak ill of the good Sister, but her treatment of my beloved was a bit much, I must say! [More agitated and louder] Isn't there enough charity work to go around for everyone to have their bit to do?!

Bryam: [In a low voice] Only for those who want to do it

Austin : [Looks puzzeled, to Bryam] What are you refering to by that?

Bryam: [To Austin] Well, some people don't want to do charity. I'm certainly happy not doing it

Austin : [To Bryam] Risking your life to save the world is a fairly charitable cause is it not? [Frowns] Or are you just in it for the [smirks] fame and fortune?

Bryam: I'm in it for your fame and fortune. I love to write, and you are, or shall hopefully be, perfect material to write on. [Getting excited] Heroes of the world! A quest! To kill innocents and save the world? Or stick to your morals and put it in peril? [Calming down] That, and personal reasons as well

Austin : [To Bryam] Well I think that was the first innocent we have killed, [chuckles] but if you ask sister Chastity, no one is innocent.

Clint: Yeah, nuns are just like the legal system that way!

Alice : [Looking at the Huffmans] Hey, I thought you were going to leave.

Lazarus : Sorry about that, but this is our vocation. And besides, the last people who tried to make us leave killed one of us.

Alice : Did that make you leave?

Lazarus : Uh, yes.

Alice : Interesting. around lunch

Harvey: [To Alice] Interesting, indeed, niece! [Excited, in a loud Harvey-style whisper] Now see if you can find out what will make them feed us lunch, what!

Alice : Hm, let me see. [Thinks hard for a while, before turning to Lazarus] The last people that you fed lunch to, how many people did they kill?

Lazarus : Two or three.

Alice : [Draws her sword] Right, Harvey.

Bryam: [Edging away from Alice] Now, there's no need to get violent. We're not that hungry are we?

Alice : [Turns from the terrified staff] Look, we're just going to pretend, to get them to give us some food. What do you think I am? [As all the staff look relieved] An idiot?

Harvey: [To Alice] Brilliant plan, dear girl, and flawlessly executed! [To the staff] Now, could we please have a plate of golden honeyed locusts? Hmmm, better make it seven plates full.

Bryam: [To Alice] Nonetheless, I object to such violent coercion, pretend or not. Not that it matters to you, I suppose

Alice : [Looks Bryam up and down] No.

Lazarus : [To Harvey] Sir, I'm sorry, but we do not have any food here.

Gillette : [To the party] Quickly, let us step outside, we must not waste any time bringing the wand to Euphoria.

Vindel : On the contrary, we have enough time to pretend to be trees. [Starts taking off his clothes] I will be a Walrus Tree. Bark! Bark! Bark!

[Silence descends on the room for a moment.]

Lazarus : [To the party] Er, sorry about that.

Bryam: [Amused] Who has the wand at the moment, by the way?

Harvey: Your commanding officer, of course, Private! Now, look sharp and fall in line. [Bellows to the party] Company--MARCH!

Austin : [Inspecting his nails. Glances at Vindel] We seem to have an odd effect on elves.

Vindel : [Now completely naked] It is but a matter of time before a squirrel comes, looking for nuts.

Alice : [To the others] Yep, let's get out of here.

[Exit the party and GILLETTE and PANTENE.]

[Book V, Act XI, Scene II. Outside the Cafe. ALICE, AUSTIN, CLINT, HARVEY, BRYAM, GILLETTE and PANTENE are here.]

Alice : What was that all about?

Pantene : A disease is sweeping the elves. It looks as though he was the latest victim.

Harvey: [Astounded] Mad Tree Disease, what?!

Austin : [Raises an eyebrown] Hmm, it sounds as if we could be in for an [pauses] interesting time in the Interior.

Pantene : More like Mad Elf Disease. The scientific name is Humanification.

Alice : [Raises an eyebrow in Austin's direction] Actually, it sounds to me as if we could be in for an interesting time in the [pauses] Interior.

Austin : [Looks at Alice] How flattering [Then to Pantene] Do elves blame all of their failings on Humans?

Pantene : Given that the few failings elves have are directly caused by humans, yes.

Harvey: [To Pantene] And just how did you come to that conclusion, missy?!

Pantene : Things were fine before you took the wand. Now things aren't.

Harvey: [Indignant] Fine?! You enslaved humans!

Clint: Yeah! Although, that just means that things were fine for the elves but not fine for the humans. Which was fine by the elves. Jackasses.

Austin : [To Pantene] And where did the wand come from in the first place.

Bryam: And more importantly, what does it do?

Pantene : A human brought it to the Interior.

Alice : [To Bryam] The elves used it to power a shield to keep humans in a sort of prison.

Gillette : [Laughs, a little nervously] But those days are gone! The wand will now be used for far more beneficial things.

Harvey: [To Gillette] Such as?

Gillette : [Enthusiastically] We're going to make a weapon of mass destruction out of it!

Alice : Thank God - I can't stand going to church.

Clint: [Suspiciously] And then you're going to use it to take out the Jeromites, right? And not us humans?

Harvey: [To Alice, shocked] Dear girl, surely I misheard you? There's no one more pious and pure than my Alice!

Austin : [To Pantene] The human that gave the wand to you the first time round was Faern Short, a relative of Alice and Harvey's. It seems that any problems the elves have are invairably caused by elves, not humans. Trindle and his cronies being the exception, but they are everyone's problem.

Gillette : [To Clint] Of course! Of course!

Alice : [To Harvey] Oh, of course.

[Everyone turns to PANTENE.]

Pantene : I'm sure that it seems that way to you, but that does not surprise me. [Notices the disappointment of the others] I don't play those sort of silly, childish games.

Clint: [With a waggle of his eyebrows] You prefer to play more grown-up games instead?

Harvey: [To Clint] Control yourself, Private Scar! [To Gillette] What do you mean, weapon of mass destruction, chappie? I don't like the sound of that one bit. War is fought face-to-face by men on a field of battle, what!

Bryam: Or, more preferably, not at all. You see, all you people concerned with killing others. It sickens me [spits]

Pantene : [Apparently not noticing Clint's clumsy double entendre] Yes, indeed.

Alice : [Looks down at the spit] Yes, it makes much more sense to try and reason with a crazed horde of rampaging Morcs.

Bryam: [To Alice] Or run away. There are other ways of dealing with them, I'm sure, without resorting to the base instrument of brute force. Anyway, back to the point, what is this weapon you mentioned you were making?

Harvey: [To Bryam, confused] What are you about, Private?! This is war, not a garden party!

Gillette : The weapon is very secret! I am not at liberty to tell you anything about it, not even that there is a weapon.

Alice : [Spots something on the ground] Hello. [Picks up a piece of paper, about six inches by ten] Hey - this looks just like you, Austin!

Austin's Flyer

Austin : [Takes a look at the Flyer] Oh, [Blinks] It seems as though I have offended some one. [Smirks]

Bryam: [Looks at flyer][Smiling] Austin, is it true?

Austin : [To Bryam, incredulously] What? True that I have lied? [Snort] Of course I have never lied! What kind of lawyer would I be if I lied? [Smirks, rolling his eyes, tuts] Some people!

Bryam: [With a fake sigh of relief] Phew. That's alright then. At least I know I can trust you

Pantene : [To the party] We can bring the wand to Euphoria for you,

Harvey: [To Pantene] That is very generous of you, miss, but we can handle this. No need for a pretty lady to leave her husband and children! [Suddenly looks at the flyer, puzzled] Mr. Sleaze, is this some sort of advertisment for your law practice?!

Austin : [To Harvey] It is possible that the person who printed this could not spell 'lawyer', and wrote 'liar' instead, but no colonel, this was not of my doing. It is slanderous to the extreeme, and I shall be persuing damages against the perpitraitor. [Takes the flyer and carefully puts it into an envelope marked 'evidence, case #12390']

Alice : Wow - you've had 12,390 people call you a liar? [Considers this for a moment] Who knew that it would be so few!

Austin : [To Alice] No, it is merely case number 12390. [Looks around] Anyway, shall we get going? People may be dieing every moment we dally.

Harvey : Well said, Private Sleaze! Well done, indeed. Which way to Euphoria? [Turns around and comes face to face, nose to nose with an elf, causing Harvey to step back in surprise] Gah!

[This particularly miserable looking elf is NEOSPORIN ANTIFUNGAL.]

Neosporin : [Looking and sounding utterly miserable] Hello.

Neosporin Antifungal

Harvey: [To Neo] Why so glum, chappie?

Gillette : Ah! He is one of us. This is Neosporin Antifungal. Neosporin, this is Colonel Kingston-Short, Alice, Bryam, Clint and Austin.

Neosporin : [Perking up slightly] Ah, the whore!

Alice : [Dismayed] Hey!

Neosporin : [Pained sigh, before pointing at Austin] No, him.

Clint: Hold on. He's a lawyer, not a whore! Granted, it's not a big difference, but still! Where are you getting this from? And what the devil's wrong with you? Aside from the obvious.

Neosporin : [Pained sigh] I got it from here. [Holds up another flyer]

Austin's second flyer

Alice : [Looking at the flyer] Well, you must admit, that's what the flyer says! --- F \ No newline at end of file

Clint: True. [To Austin] Looks like someone really doesn't like you, lawyer! What'd you do this time?

Alice : I don't know, Clint, that could be an advertising flyer!

Austin : [Looks a little flustered, grabs the flyer, studying it, mutters quietly, under his breath] From within it consumes. [Composes himself] Aaaahem, no doubt some one or some persons who seek to sully my good name. [With conviction] I have prosecuted many criminals in my time. No doubt one or more of them seek revenge. [Folds the flyer and puts it into his pocket]

Clint: [Skeptically] Riiiight. [To Neosporin] Where are you getting these things, anyway? [Eagerly] And are there any more?

Austin : [To Clint] Come now Mr Scar, that is hardly relevant. We have the interior to save, it's hardly time to be investigating some petty smear campaign against yours truly.

Neosporin : They're all over the place. The really cool things are the banners, though.

Austin : [Goes quite pale] Banners! [To Neosporin] What do these banners say or depict?

Harvey: [Looking at the Whore poster, confused. To Alice] Another advertisement, you say? I didn't realize Private Sleaze had fallen on such hard times!

Alice : [Nods at Harvey's words] Nor that his spelling was so bad! [Points at the (correctly) spelled "Whore"]

Neosporin : I won't get into the specifics, but the general themes of them are either that you are in some way untrustworthy or that you deserve to be killed in some way, typically involving some sort of genital mutation.

Clint: Come on, Sleaze! Everyone knows that banners can't talk!

Austin : [Looks perplexed] Hmm, the punishment typically prefered by a jilted lover, who feels that their target has had an affair with some other person. [Looks around nervously] or persons.

Alice : Hm, this jilted lover, would he or she be likely to be dangerous?

Harvey: [Outraged] But Private Sleaze hasn't had a furlough in ages! He hasn't had the time or opportunity to break some poor [hesitates] girl's heart!

Austin : [Indignantly to Alice] What the heck do you mean 'she or he'! I am not homosexual nor am I bisexual! [Looks quite upset. Pauses] It could be any one of a large number of [Pointedly] WOMEN! [Pauses] And yes, one or two of them could be extreemly dangerous. [Curtly to Alice] I have a penchant for feisty women. [Turns away and checks his nails]

Bryam: Ah, a man after my own heart [Thinks back on Austin's words] Or maybe not. I wish heartbroken women would go to this trouble for me. It would really liven up relationships

Alice : [Irritated] Tsk! Liven them up indeed! Doesn't anyone ever think about how it feels from the psychopath's point of view?

Harvey: [Beams at Alice] That's my girl, always thinking of others!

Alice : [Smiles back, rocking on her heels] Of course, the next question is how are we going to figure out who's behind all this anti-Austin propaganda.

[From up ahead comes the squeal of horses and tyres, and a carriage comes around the corner. It is a fair distance from the party, but is clearly coming towards them at speed.]

Updated Map link shows the clicking that link

Austin : [Moves close to the cafe door, ready to duck inside. Nervously] That sounds rather ominous!

Harvey: [Takes Alice by the hand and moves near the cafe door as well. To Austin] Think, Private! What spurned [hesitates] women have you left in your wake? [Ponders, scratching a sideburn] You didn't trifle with any of the pretty young things in my wife's charity club, did you?

Bryam: [Moving closer to cafe door, behind Harvey] This might be nothing to do with that, of course

Harvey: [To Bryam, astounded] Of course it does, Private! Everyone knows that when a startling new revelation comes to light, anything that happens immediately after is related to the revelation! [To Alice] The new Private is a bit green, eh?!

Bryam: [To Harvey] Just being hopeful, sir. Considering all possibilities and all that.

Austin : [To Harvey, looking flustered, trying to remember] Well there =20 was a girl in Perseverance that I was engaged to, several times. =20 [Bites his lip] Then there was Rose, who, well things were said that =20 should not have been said, even if they we true [Looks panicy] Then =20 there where seven girls in Hebephrenia, who all turned out to work in =20 the same hotel. [Rolls his eyes] Rotten luck. [Glances nervously in =20 the direction of the carriage] Errm, a lady of negociable affections =20 in Kurth, who wanted more than just my money. [Shakes his head] Lady =20 Pinafortissimo de Beau-Montange, [Hangs his head to one side] Who =20 misinterpreted the depth of our relationship some what. [Ponders] Miss =20 Porche Mountbatten-Flores, who was a little anoyed when she discovered =20 that I was not, infact, the Prince of Kurth. Errm, Angela =20 Cameroon-Yale, who was a little upset when she found out about her =20 mother, [Glances at his shoes] and I. [Sighs] There are a few others. =20 Maybe another dozen or so. [Looks positively forlorn]

[The carriage roars up to towards the party, and someone lobs out a flaming canister of oil. AUSTIN desperately tries to open the door, but pushes instead of pulls. The canister flies in the general direction of him, HARVEY and ALICE, and smashes through the glass door, before exploding inside the cafe, sending everyone outside the cafe to the ground, as the carriage carries on.]

Lazarus : [Now on fire, as he calls out to the party] Sorry about that!

Austin : [Rolling around to put out the flames] AArrrrhrhjggggh!

Alice : [Dusting herself off] Wow, Aus, you're a machine! That's almost as many as - uh, I mean, that's a lot!

Harvey: [To Austin, slapping out a spark on his coat] Private Sleaze, you are a disgrace to this troop! How could you be so cruel to so many innocent young [hesitates] ladies? It's no wonder one of them has become enraged!

Alice : Maybe it's more than one, maybe there's a whole load of them? They might call themselves something like, I don't know, the Society of the Hurt and Enraged, Menaced by Austin, Lawyer and Evil-doer, or, for short, SHE MAL oh! Uh, well, maybe there's more than one.

Pantene : It does not surprise me to see such behaviour.

Austin : [Worriedly to Alice] Those where just the ones that might have cause to want to kill me. [Frowns at his burns, then goes pale at his ruined suit]

Alice : [Takes out her notebook] Let's make a list. Now, if I'm any judge of breaking hearts, I think we'll need the following headings. [Starts writing] Liars, psychos, Emos, Sportos, motorheads, geeks, sluts, pinheads, dweebies, wonkers, richies, oh, and what's the proper name for those guys who like to dress up like kitchen appliances for sex?

Clint: [Trying to be helpful] Swedes?

Harvey: [Looks blankly at Alice for a moment, then says enthusiastically] Agreed, niece, lunch has been a long time coming!

Alice : [Thinking hard] No, Clint, I think it's Tom, Dom and Sam.

Pantene : [Looking as though she's about to throw up] You people make me sick.

Austin : [To Alice] What is an 'Emos'?

Alice : E-mows. You know, long black hair, long black coat, long black sleeves, cuts on their arms so that they can feel again even though they're emotionally exhausted by the cruelty of the world around them. You bring 'em to heaven once, Aus, and then they come crashing back down once they realise you gave them a fake phone number and that your name really isn't Eugenia Charlotte Hampington-Carruthers-Montague-Craigworthy-Smith IV.

Alice : Sure did. [Looks down at her notebook, eyes flitting from left to right for a few moments] Four.

Austin : [Deeply engrossed in changing into a new suit, checking that his pockets are empty in his old suit and sling it onto the fire. Then] Number 4? I thought the only people who could have low numbers like that where royalty ... [Looks in the direction the carriage left] Hmm, Princess Denguella of Crypto-Haemoriassis perhaps? Maybe she worked out where the 'Sapphire of the Winds' went to. [Sighs] Fire would certainly be her choice of revenge munitions, but I would expect that she would bring a small army with her.

Harvey: [Dubious] A woman leading an army? Sounds unlikely, Private!

Alice : Hm, if we have to include people who you stole from, Aus, it's gonna be a very long list!

Clint: Do nuns use firebombs and smear tactics? Or is it all tea towels and rulers and passive-agressive guild tactics?

Harvey: [To Clint, outraged] I'll not stand by idly and let you insult the good Sister, what! When did this troop lose all respect for the fairer sex?!

Alice : [Shocked] Austin had an affair with Chastity? Wow!

Austin : [To Alice] The 'Sapphire of the Winds' was not a gemstone [Smirks] It was a polite term for the Princess's, errm, 'virtues'. [Looks smug] At the time she thought it refered to a gemstone too, someone must have told her [Looks even smugger] However, it would still be correct to say that I had stolen it.

Bryam: [Patting out the last of the fire of his clothes] Great, and these were my best rags too. Someone's gonna pay. Stupid elves. Stupid women

Pantene : [Looking coldly at Bryam] There is no suggestion that the person responsible was an elf, and no evidence that it was a woman.

Gillette : [Nudging Bryam with his elbow] Other than the bad driving, eh? [To the men in the party] Am I right? Am I right? Probably checking her make up when she threw the bomb!

Pantene : [Gives a quick, cold glare at Gillette, before turning back to Bryam] Your ignorance offends me. Frankly I am surprised that you don't smell more.

Pantene : [Sniffs haughtily] How rude.

Harvey: [To Bryam] No wild-eyed spurned woman is going to keep us from our mission! [To Gillette] Good sir, won't you please join us in the great struggle versus good and evil? We need your assistance against two villains of the lowest sort!

Gillette : Of course, of course, sir! I can just picture it now, human and elf, side by side, fighting evil and generally humaning it up! Won't it be great?

Pantene : [Deadpan] Wonderful.

Neosporin : [Bored] I can't wait.

Gillette : [Unphased by the reactions of the two] But I must warn you, not all elves are as well disposed towards humans as we are.

Austin : [To Gillette] We are well aware of that thank you, we have been to the Interior several times, and experienced some extreemely hostile and arrogant elves, and a few intelligent friendly ones.

Gillette : Of course! Of course! You're intelligent people! You know how things are! Still, you're lucky you found human lovers like us!

Austin : [To Gillette, deadpan] Lucky, lucky, lucky. [Looks around to see if the carriage is returning]

[The carriage has disappeared off into the distance.]

Gillette : Well, my human friends, perhaps we could bring you to Euphoria?

Harvey: [Enthusiastically] That would be most helpful, good man! [Hopefully] And what were you saying about lunch provisions?

Gillette : Ah! We have plenty of delicacies. Not quite like the feasts that you would find in Euphoria, but we have delicious lettuce and celery. Mm-mm! Functional!

Clint: [Outraged] But that's food for rabbits! No wonder you people are always so uptight! If I had to eat crap like that all the time, I'd be in a bad mood too!

Bryam: [Sniffing the air] Of course, the people inside the cafe have been roasting just long enough to be tasty, if you want something more substantial

Austin : [To Pantene] You see, humans have as many misconceptions about elves, as elves do about humans

Pantene : And do you eat that puts you in [emphasis] this mood. humans. inside > the cafe have been roasting just long enough to be

Clint: [To Pantene] A lot of bad attitude from you people, if you really want to know. [Looks around guiltily to see if there's anything to be done about saving Lazarus and... oh, whatever their names were.]

Pantene : If you feel that you cannot deal with the natural superiority of the elves, I suggest you give us the wand now and leave.

[The staff of the cafe, while a little crispy, are fine.]

Harvey: [To Pantene] Oh, not to worry, miss! We can tolerate your superior attitude for the greater good!

Gillette : [Bellows with laughter, slapping Pantene good naturedly on the back] Ha! He has you there!

Pantene : [Looks coolly at Gillette] Technically, that's assault. Do it again and I will report you.

Clint: [Idly] I can see we're all going to get along tremendously. Harv, can we get on with things before we start seeing blood or law suits?

Harvey: [To Gillette, wistfully] I suppose if you haven't any proper food, we might as well get moving.

Austin : [To Pantene, in a friendly enthusiastic and philanthropic manner] So, how do you define your 'natural superiority'? And why do you think that it matters? [Wanders in the direction of Euphoria] Perhaps we can discuss the matter whilst we travel?

Gillette : [Laughs good naturedly at Harvey] Ha! We have much to learn from you humans! Perhaps you have a few live cats that we could eat?

Pantene : [Gestures to a nice looking carriage parked to one side] This is our vehicle. Please refrain from eating the horses. Elves are superior in all manner of ways. We are more civilised, more intelligent, more refined, smell better, [gives Gillette a quick glance] and generally have better hair than humans.

Austin : [Heads for the carriage. To Pantene] Well, I'd have to agree with you on the issues of smell and hair, in a general sense, of course [Straightens his cuff, then checks his hair in his pocket mirror]

Harvey: [To Pantene] Ah, but humans are better soldiers, and we our women make hearty food for real men! Oh, and we have those little fellas with the [mimes some crazy slapstick comedy bits] and they're always on the run from some copper or enraged woman, you know?! [laughs uproariously]

Clint: Plus, we don't drain the essence from elves and get drunk off of it. [Pulls out a cigar and looks around for the no smoking sign so he can ignore it.]

Pantene : [Flinches slightly] Perhaps you should.

[Everyone gets onto the carriage, with NEOSPORIN driving, and head towards Euphoria.]

[Book V, Act XI, Scene III. The Roadblock. ALICE, AUSTIN, BRYAM, CLINT, HARVEY. GILLETTE, PANTENE and NEOSPORIN are here, in the elves' carriage. The carriage is slowing down as it approaches a roadblock near a burning building. Standing here is a stern looking elf, TIMRUS.]

Neosporin : [A little nervous] Er, hello officer, what seems to be the problem?

Timrus : [Looks into the carriage, taking his time and making sure he gets a good look at everyone] Any humans in the carriage?

Neosporin : Uh, [leaning back, uselessly trying to stop Timrus from seeing the party] no.

Timrus : I see. [Takes out a notebook and writes something down] What are your names?

Neosporin : Neosp - I mean, Locjal.

Pantene : I am P'Tring. Daughter of G'Tring.

Gillette : [Clearly appalled at Neosporin and Pantene, and speaking loudly] I am Gillette Fusion, and proud of it!

Timrus : I see. [Notes something else in his book] Please step out of the vehicle. Everyone.

Timrus

Harvey: [Quickly scrapes a wad of chewed-up gum off his boot and attempts to fashion it into elf ear tips, which he gallantly offers to Alice]

Alice : [Somewhat uncertainly taking the gum] Uh, if you think it'll help. [Pops the gum into her mouth and chews] Hm, tastes like floor.

Austin : [To Alice] We should have let you drive.

Harvey: [Confused, but supportive] Er, well done, my girl! Now make them pointy and affix them to your ears [does the universal hand motions for molding gum into pointy elf ear tips]! We'll try to pass you off as an elf, though we really should do something to make you less pretty. No elf woman would ever have those bright eyes and rosy cheeks of yours!

Timrus : Everybody out of the carriage now. [Makes a gesture and several other elves step forward]

Bryam: [Stepping out of the coach] Good day. How goes it officer?

Timrus : [Looks Bryam up and down] Not well. There has been an outrage.

Austin : How outrageous?

Clint: [Steps out of the carriage and admires the scenery.] Looks like the work of a jealous ex-girlfriend to me!

Timrus : [Points at the burning building behind him] Five elves were burnt to death and their Nascency Fluid destroyed, contaminated by human urine.

Clint: [Taken aback] Oh. Then a very psychotic jealous ex-girlfriend who carries around a bottle of human urine. [Pauses] How did you tell it was human, anyway?

Timrus : One of the survivors saw him do it. Saw him take out his [with some disgust] enormous penis and urinate into the holy of holies.

Clint: Oh. Well then I guess it wasn't a psychotic broad after all, was it?

Harvey: [Looks at Austin nervously] Well, Private, let's have it! Have you left any brokenhearted [shudders] boys in your wake?!

Austin : [Looks horrified] Certainly not! A ridiculous suggestion!

Alice : Aw, poor Aus, always the breakee, never the breaker.

Bryam: [To Austin] Odd, you seem the type

Austin : [To Bryam} Well I'm sure you'd know the type!

Bryam: [Winks at Austin] Don'y you know it

Harvey: [To Austin and Bryam] We'll have no more of this nonsense, what! [To Bryam] Teasing Private Sleaze about his bizarre personal life is rude and unprofessional, recruit. [To Austin] Soldier, you're trained to withstand cruel and unusual tortures! How can you this young pup reduce you to and-so's-your-mothering?!

Austin : [To Harvey, deadpan] I find it preferable to killing him, colonel.

Timrus : Please. Calm yourselves. [Points at the burning house] Who is responsible for this and why haven't you punished him?

Harvey: [To Timrus] We don't know who did it, but we'll help you find the villain!

Timrus : Liar. You know who did this. All of you do.

Austin : [To Timrus] A carriage drove past at high speed and threw a molitov cocktail at the building, they went that way [Points in the direction the carriage went]

Timrus : This atrocity was carried out about an hour ago.

Bryam: It's possible the carriage stopped here before moving towards us. We were inside for quite a while prior to its arrival. They do seem like exactly the sort of human to do this however

Timrus : So who are they?

Harvey: [To Timrus, getting annoyed] Damned if we know, chappie! They attacked us, too, you know!

Timrus : [Looks at Pantene for a moment, before looking somewhat surprised] You mean, you are not aware of each others' thoughts? How savage.

Harvey: You call invasion of privacy civilized?!

Timrus : No, but we call celebration of togetherness civilised.

Austin : [To Timrus] If all Euphorian elves know eachothers thoughts, it's no wonder you're all so messed up!

Timrus : First of all, I am not a Euphorian elf, I am a paranoid elf. Second, it isn't [finger quotes] Euphorian, it's Euphoric. Third, if no humans know each others' thoughts, then it's no wonder you're all so messed up.

Gillette : I can vouch for these humans, they did not destroy the house, for they were with us, and it is true that an attempt was made upon their, and our, lives.

Timrus : What proof do you have that it was the same person who made that attempt also burned down this house?

Gillette : None.

Clint: Yeah, but it's just common sense though. Unless you people have managed to let two different arsonists roam around.

Austin : [To Timorus] Who lived in the building that is on fire?

Timrus : [Narrows his eyes at Clint] If there are two, they will soon be caught.

Alice : What if there's only one?

Timrus : Then he will soon be caught.

Alice : What if it's a woman?

Timrus : Then she will be caught [pause] soon. [Goes back a few pages in his notebook] I have a description. [To the elves with the party] Do you recognise any of these?

[TIMRUS flicks through some pages, and the elves remain unmoved at each of them, only for PANTENE to give a blood curdling scream at one.]

Pantene : That - that one! I've seen something like that before! It's - it's hideous!

[TIMRUS shows the page to the party. It is quite a good likeness of the party.]

Bryam: [Laughing] I'm sure there's a simple explanation for all this. Like the fact that...erm...[to the party] Help me out here guys [Goes

Clint: Hey! That's just racial profiling!

Alice : Well, clearly, there are a, um, a bunch of elves who've been altered surgically to look like us because they have some mission to undermine the trusted position of humans in the Interior because of the, uh...

Timrus : [Looks at the picture] My mistake. I didn't mean to show that one.

Alice : Or that too, of course.

Timrus : A family of elves lived in the house, the Overmountins. They described the person who urinated in their Nascency Fluid as being tall and thin, black hair, glasses and wearing a suit.

Bryam: You know, I think I saw someone matching that description in the carriage that passed us. Can't be sure about the tall part, but the rest sounds right on

Harvey: [Scratching a sideburn thoughtfully] Hmm. Could it be that twit Giles, the one who was dishonorably discharged from the troop?!

Clint: [To Timrus] Was this person by any chance wearing tweed? Because if he wasn't, he wasn't Monty.

Alice : Hey! Didn't Snyder say that Monty's brother was on the loose? Could that be him? [Turns to Austin aghast] Please don't tell me that you think he might be the jealous woman!

Timrus : [Looks down at the notebook] Yes, it appears that he was wearing tweed.

Austin : [To Alice] No, don't be silly, the two events were probably perpitrated by two different arsonists.

Alice : [Relieved] Phew!

Timrus : This tweed wearer you speak of. What possible reason could he have for urinating in their Nascency Fluid? This could be construed as a declaration of war by humans. [Sees the reaction of the party] Oh yes, maybe urinating into precious, life giving liquids is considered okay by your standards, but here we do not tolerate it.

Austin : [To Timrus] No, humans do not tolerate that sort of thing either. It is an offence punishable by incarceration, on the surface. [Ponders] The tweed wearer's reason could be that he has taken allegance with the forces of evil, Dangsten and his cronies, and is sabotaging your nascency fluid in order to aid the morcs and the evil war effort.

Harvey: [Nods at Austin's words and adds helpfully] And he's probably a twit!

Timrus : Interesting if true.

Gillette : See? Humans are trustworthy, in fact, these humans are here to help us, [turns to the party] aren't you?

Bryam: [Sarcastically] Yes, anything for the benefit of the glorious elven race

Timrus : [Looks Bryam up and down] And how do you intend to do that?

Harvey: [To Timrus] Well, we've saved the whole world a time or two, you know!

Timrus : The question I asked was "How do you intend to do that?". [Looks at Gillette for a moment] Oh! [Back to the party] You have the wand?

Harvey: [Impatiently and more emphatically] Yes, we do, and we have saved the world before! [To Alice] This fellow's a bit slow, eh?

Alice : Yeah, he'd never catch us if we made a break for it.

Timrus : [Holds out his hand] You may give me the wand. I will deliver it for you.

Clint: [Suspiciously] Why don't we deliver it and you get back to investigating the fire, hmm? of

Timrus : Because I - uh! [Suddenly gets hit from behind by a crossbow bolt]

Alice : Because what? What? Finish the story!

Timrus : Because I'm dying!

Clint: [Nods understandingly] That'd do it. [Does a double-take and tries to drag Timrus to cover.]

[Another bolt strikes the carriage, very close to AUSTIN, as the everyone gets behind the carriage.]

Alice : [Taking out her own bow] What the hell is going on?

Bryam: [To Alice] I'd make an educated guess that somebody is trying to do us harm. But don't worry about it. If we continue using this carriage as cover they'll eventually run out of ammunition. Or get bored and leave

Clint: What does it look like, Bimbo? Someone's trying to kill us. As usual.

Harvey: [To Bryam, baffled] Get your weapon out, recruit! We are under attack!

Gillette : Fear not, friends, I shall speak with them and ask them to stop. After all, they are clearly not the same people who burned this building. [Stands up, out from the cover of the carriage] Friend! You do not realise who you shoot at!

[GILLETTE gets shot, as another bolt zings and ricochets around like a bullet.]

Alice : Crikey! It's like being in that porn film, Saving Ryan's Privates!

Bryam: [To Harvey] What weapon? I don't use weapons. Well, unless you count my beautiful voice and sparkling wit, but this is not the time for that [Crawls over to Gillette to see if he is ok]

Alice : You mean you're unarmed?

[GILLETTE is wounded, but okay.]

Gillette : Let me up, I'm sure I can talk sense to them!

Austin : [Swiftly slipping into the safety of the carriage, readies his sling shot. Anxious] Everyone into the carriage! Lets go!

Harvey: [To Alice, heading toward the carriage] After you, niece!

Alice : [Stopping, and holding everyone up] No, after you, Harvey!

[The carriage from before suddenly zooms out from behind the burning building, and heads further into the Interior at speed.]

Austin : [Gingerly peeking out of the carriage] Is everyone okay? Gillette? Pantene?

Pantene : [Coldly] I am fine.

Gillette : [Claps Austin on the shoulder] Ah! How human of you to ask! I am okay, my friend.

Harvey: [Enraged] Who the devil are these cowards, hitting us then running rather than facing us like men?!

Austin : [To Gillette and Pantene] Yes, well, not being blessed with the knowledge of each other's thoughts, us humans have to do it the old fashioned way.

Gillette : I like it, friend, I like it a lot! Don't you like it a lot, Pantene?

Pantene : [Bored] I positively adore it.

Austin : [Pantene and Gillette] How is it that the elves share eachothers thoughts? Is it from evolution of the elves or by some cunningly designed method?

Pantene : Evolution, of course.

Gillette : No one knows, my friend! It has been this way for as long as any one can remember, and is a hotly debated topic. Is it because elves are inherently superior to humans and other lower life forms? Or some random accident brought on by us living in the Interior?

Neosporin : Or from them living on the surface, constantly exposed to [waves his fingers mysteriously] cosmic rays and dangerous sunbeams.

Austin : [To the elves] Do the Morcs share each others thoughts also?

Gillette : Why, yes!

Alice : How about elves and Morcs?

Pantene : [Horrified] Certainly not!

Austin : [Ponders] It may well be an effect of the nascency fluid, after all, you store your fluid together [To the elves] don't you? [Srugs] And so do the Morcs.

Pantene : Certainly not. What a preposterous suggestion.

Gillette : [Climbing back on the carriage] Actually, my friend, it varies. Many elves do keep theirs in a central location, but it is also common for smaller groups of elves to keep theirs together, when travelling, for example, like we are.

[PANTENE slaps her forehead in frustration.]

Neosporin : [Deathly afraid] Please! Do not expose us to your enormous penises and do not urinate in our Nascency Fluid!

Clint : [Enjoying the elven discomfort] I'll do my best.

Austin : [To Neosporin, incredulously] Why would we urinate into your nascency fluid? And who would want to expose themselves to you! [Tuts] Ridiculous!

Harvey: [To Neosporin, offended] Mind your tongue, civilian! This troop has gone two years, three months and eighteen days without urination incident!

Gillette : Indeed, Neosporin, you should be ashamed. [NEOSPORIN hangs his head.]

Gillette : If and when they choose to expose their penises to us, I'm quite sure that they won't be urinating into the Nascency Fluid, [glances at the party] right?

Harvey: Right! It will only be to joyously answer the call of nature against a tree or alleyway wall, like men should.

Austin : [Glancing around casually checking for assasins. To Gilette] Although it is customary to be as discrete as possible when urinating, to avoid any unnecessary exposure of the genitalia.

Harvey: [To Austin] Too right, Private! [Chuckles and takes an air of nostalgia] Ah, back in the 'Num, many a new recruit had the dickens beaten out of him for taking too long to zip back up. [Nods approvingly] That's how you turn boys into men!

Gillette : Oh, we won't stand on ceremony here! Feel free to show us your penises! [Turns to Alice] I'd particularly like to see yours!

Alice : [Horrified] Hey!

Harvey: [To Gillette] What an outrage! My niece is a lady, and a lady never shows her penis to perfect strangers! Apologize this minute, sir!

Austin : [To Gillette, smirking] I think you should really know that human females do not have penises of their own. [To Pantene] I doubt if elf females have them either.

Alice : [To Austin] Somehow I doubt that elf males have them either!

Gillette : Sir! Please forgive me! I will wait until I know your niece better before asking to see her penis!

Harvey: [To Gillette, exasperated] Not until you're married, for Phili's sake!

Gillette : [Thrilled] You mean...?

Alice : No! He certainly does not!

Austin : [To Pantene, incredulously] So does the female elf have a penis?

Pantene : Of course not! Don't be ridiculous!

[The carriage carries on, deeper into the Interior, with an uncomfortable silence in the carriage.]

[Book V, Act XI, Scene IV. The Gates of Paranoia. ALICE, AUSTIN, BRYAM, CLINT, HARVEY, PANTENE, GILLETTE and NEOSPORIN are here, having just arrived. There are a number of other Paranoid elves here, waiting at the gates, as well as another elf who is clearly a Euphoric elf. Paranoia is looking pretty tatty, as though it has recently seen a lot of fires and explosions.]

Gillette : Oh no! It's Verbiage Circumambages! He's probably here for the wand.

Verbiage : [Holds up a hand, causing Neosporin to stop the carriage] Greetings and felicitations wayfarers, may I, upon this great and wondrous day that is only very slightly tainted by the marauding hordes of Orcs that have laid siege upon the great and noble city of Euphoria, the most tremendous and fantastical of all tremendous and fantastical cities and structures of all of the Interior, and, without doubt, the Exterior too, give greetings and offer my services in any way that may see the return to the rightful owners, the dowagers, if you will of the most fantastical and beloved item of all of Euphoria.

Gillette : [To the party] What do you think?

Alice : That depends.

Gillette : On what?

Alice : On what he said!

Verbiage Circumambages

Austin : [Glances at Verbiage. To Alice] I bet he doesn't get invited =20 to any parties. [To Pantene] So, given that elf women do not have =20 penises, why do you think that human women do?

Harvey: [To Gillette, loudly] What the devil does that fellow want?! Something about rich widows? We don't have time to help him with his love life, what!

Gillette : He wands to take the want. [Thinks for a moment] I mean, he wants to take the wand.

Pantene : [To Austin] I don't.

Austin : [To Pantene] Indeed, I assumed that you did not have a penis, and am thankful that you don't, you're much too pretty to be a ladyboy.

Harvey: [To Austin] Get your mind off of everyone's privates, Private!

Austin : [To Harvey] Yes colonel, of course. [Gazes deep into Pantene's eyes for a moment, before looking over to see what the other elves are doing]

Harvey: [To Gillette] Tell the talky fellow that we wish him luck in his search for the rich widow, Wanda, but we must be on our way!

Verbiage : You sadly and predictably fail, possibly by choice, to understand the essence of that which I am conveying. [Slowly] I want the wand. [Normal pace] As expeditiously as possible and with a minimum of fuss, confusion and violence.

Harvey: [To Verbiage, curtly] And why should we do that, sir?

Clint : [Perking up at the mention of violence] Yeah, why?

Verbiage : Because the item in question, previously referred to as the wand, heretofore referred to as the item of the first party is currently being held by yourselves, the second party, temporarily, until a first party, to wit, myself, can reclaim it.

Austin : [To Verbiage] But you are quite incorrect! [Musters his =20 breath] Historically, Faern was the first party to have the wand, and =20 the elves are therefore the second party, and we, the third. But! It =20 is most unlikely that Faern was the first, and so it is in appropriate =20 to impose any such numerical scale to the parties involved, or indeed, =20 any parties that will become involved in your flawed categorisation =20 scheme in the future. [Pauses] Further to this you are not the elf =20 that gave the wand to this party, namely the Queens View Party, in the =20 initial phase of the aforementioned Queens View Party comming to be =20 the current holders of the wand in question. [Takes a breath] Thefore =20 the Queens View Party will endeavour to keep to the terms and =20 conditions previously agreed to between Queens View Party and the =20 elves that allowed them to use the wand in the initial instance, of =20 the current phase, that being the phase that has lead to the current =20 situation, and we would be negligent in our duties to do otherwise. =20 You should take the matter up with your superiors if you have any =20 greivance with this, our current, and binding situation. Us being the =20 Queens View Party. [Everyone, who have been watching AUSTIN agape, turn and look at VERBIAGE.]

Verbiage : The flaw is not in my categorisation but in your confusing of classification with enumeration. Clearly, any attempt to enumerate the ownership or stewardship of the wand in question, hereafter referred to as my wand, is doomed to failure, at least, given the incomplete records which have been further compromised by Faern's notorious tendency to exaggerate and omit certain truths. [Carries on, even though everyone in the carriage appears to be asleep] The fact that I was not the elf that foolishly entrusted you with my wand is irrelevant. [Starts to speak a little louder to be heard over the snoring] As these lesser elves will no doubt testify, the Euphoric Elves demand the return of my wand, from you the Queens View Party. [Gets even louder] And be it known to you that the name of the Queens View Party has become hated in Euphoria. It would serve you well to give me the - [becomes enraged] Hey! Wake up! I'm talking to you!

Harvey: [Startled awake, mid-snore] Stop that infernal shouting, chappie! You interrupted a most excellent dream wherein my lovely bride was feeding me golden honeyed locusts wearing nothing but a [does a double-take, becomes enraged] Hey! Stop thinking about my wife!!

Alice : [Jolts awake] Oh no! Now I can't think about anything else!

Verbiage : [Out enraging Harvey] No! You stop thinking about [emphasis] my wife!

Harvey: [Apoplectic, sputtering] How dare you, sir! You disgrace my wife and befoul the sanctity of our holy bond of matrimony! There is no room in my head, heart, or bed for anyone but my wife and her beautifully [enormous outraged emphasis] rounded ears!!

Alice : [Blocking her ears at the mention of bed] Please! Make them stop!

Verbiage : [Leaning in] I don't care how your wife befouls the sanctity of your marriage and certainly don't care how big her ears are, give me the wand! [Tries to open the door of the carriage]

Bryam: Ah, the troubles of marriage. [To Harvey] Keep calm sir. It's hard to think diplomatically with such a hot head. [To Verbiage] I suggest you calm down also. This can be sorted out in a very peaceful manner, I'm sure. No need to resort to violence [under his breath, to no-one in particular] again

Austin : [To Verbiage] It is not your wand, nor has it ever been your wand. You are just another greedy, insecure elf, desparately grasping onto some idiotic notion of superiority, because you can't handle the truth!

Verbiage : [Unable to get the door open because Alice has just pushed the lock down] What would you know about it? You're nothing but a liar and a whore!

Austin : [To Verbiage] That's hardly a valid argument! Firstly, I am paid to lie in a professional capacity, that's what lawyers do for heaven's sake! And there's nothing wrong with being a legal whore, or any kind of whore, now that you come to mention it. I'm not the only person who has to work for money [Smoothes his cuff] It is not cheap looking this good you know!

Verbiage : [Steps back and draws his sword] Stop talking about my wife!

[Enter KEN SHABBY, a human who is dressed particularly shabbily, who grabs VERBIAGE from the back.]

Ken : [Shouting] Stop it! Stop it! Leave him alone! You leave him alone! [Wipes his nose off Verbiage's shoulder]

Ken Shabby

Austin : [Grimaces as Ken wipes his nose] Eeeww! [Looks away and gathers himself. To Ken] Thank you kind sir, you are a credit to the human race! [Glances at the snot on Verbiage and frowns]

[VERBIAGE turns and storms off.]

Ken : Oh sure, sure I am! We're great friends, we are! Well, not so much friends as acquaintances, well, not really that either, more that I admire him from afar - and not in a gay or scary way, well [laughs] not unless you count sitting in a carriage across from his hotel window with a camera scary, eh? Eh? Mr. Sleaze, I'd be ever so grateful if you could give me an autograph.

Alice : [To Austin] Wow! You've got autographs? Like who's? Do you have Pelvis Resley's?

Austin : [To Alice, smugly] I believe that the gentleman is requesting a copy of my own autograph. [To Ken] Certainly, and perhaps, in return, you could tell me a little about why I am famous here? I have been travelling for some time and was not aware that I was well known in these parts. [Austin takes a pre-signed autographed photo of himself from his satchel and passes it to Ken]

Ken : That's okay, Mister Sleaze! I have my own picture - perhaps you could write something personal on it for me? [Holds out a pretty tatty piece of paper] I drew the frowny face on it myself!

Austin's third flyer

Bryam: [Smiling, almost laughing] That's three now, isn't it? I forget, have we had the one implying you're a homosexual yet, or was that just intuition on our part?

Austin : [Puts on a second pair of gloves, over his white dodo skin ones, then takes the picture from Ken. To the party] These accusations are all just the kinds of accusations that sister Chasstity used to make. You don't think that she has joined forces with Trindle and those other loathsome ne'erdowells? [To Ken] What is your name, that I might enscribe a personal message upon this, rather, well used, photo of myself?

Alice : [Peering at the flyer] They are coffee stains, right?

Ken : Well, most of them are! [To Austin] Ken Shabby, Mister Sleaze. I'm a professional sewer sweeper.

Clint : Come on, lawyer, they're the kind of accusations that everyone makes about you!

Austin : [Checks the photo and the back of it for carbon paper/ dodgyness etc, then writes 'Dear Ken, May the memory of our meeting be a fond memory to you always, Aus'. To Ken] There we are [Hands the photo back to Ken. To Clint] Not everyone Mr Scar, just a few.

Clint : You mean, just those who've met you?

Ken : Thanks, Aus. [Pulls out a dagger and stabs Austin]

[AUSTIN reacts quickly, but the dagger does catch him, although not in any vital area/]

Austin : [Tries to get well away from Ken] What the hell! [Readies his sling shot and shoots at Ken]

Bryam: [Sighing] Ah, more violence, I see. I didn't have to deal with anything like this before entering the Interior

Clint : [Drawing his sword] You mean no one ever punched you in the face? That I find hard to believe!

[AUSTIN takes out his sling, but KEN is too close to shoot at. Meanwhile KEN makes another lunge at him, but a combination of HARVEY and GILLETTE prevents him from doing any damage.]

Alice : [Also drawing her sword] If this is what one of your fans is like, Aus, then I dread to know what the person who hates you is like!

Austin : [Looks concerened] Just another assasin, I believe. I wonder who hates me this much! [To Ken] Who is it that wants me dead? Who is paying the bounty?

Ken : [Now held by a combination of Clint and Harvey] Get off me! Get off!

Harvey : I say there, chappie! Answer the question!

Ken : I don't know! I didn't see her face!

Austin : [To Ken, holding a dagger to his throat] How much did she offer you? Was she young or old? Did she have an accent of any sort? What was she wearing? Did you catch her name? Where did she say that she'd meet you?

Ken : I don't know! I swear! She just paid me with these brand new clothes and then she was gone!

Alice : [Looks Ken up and down] They are new clothes?

Ken : Well, they were when she gave them to me!

Austin : [Checks the clothes for lables and name tags to see if any where left on] How much did she pay you to kill me?

Harvey: [To Austin] By the saints, Private, are you looking for an ego stroke?! [To Ken] Look here, fellow, how long ago did you see this murderous employer of yours?

Ken : [To Austin] I just told you! She gave me this suit! And hands off the merchandise, buddy! [To Harvey] About two hours ago, she told me that he might be coming passed. Last by Conor #40

Bryam: Doesn't look like we'll be getting any more out of this guy. Let's leave him to [gestures towards the elves] the proper authorities, and get on our way again

Alice : Hey! If all you elves can read each others' minds, how come you didn't know that guy was going to try and stab Aus?

Pantene : Because he's a human and not a Paranoid elf.

Austin : Which is just as well. [To Pantene] So you all know eachothers thoughts, how can Verbiage get away with trying to steal the wand, when he, and presumeably the rest of you all know that it is not his? UGFudGVuZSA6IEJlY2F1c2Ugd2UgY2FuJ3QgcmVhZCB0aGUgbWluZHMgb2YgRXVwaG9yaWMgZWx2 ZXMuDQpTZW50IGZyb20gbXkgQmxhY2tCZXJyea4gd2lyZWxlc3MgaGFuZGhlbGQgIA==

Austin : [Ponders, whilst keeping out of eye's view of any potential =20 assasins, in the corner of the carriage. To Pantene] Perhaps it is =20 nascency fluid being stored in the same place that allows it to mix, =20 so that when you are reborn you all come from the same 'pool', thereby =20 knowing each others thoughts?

Pantene : Perhaps.

Alice : Can the Euphies read your minds?

Pantene : [Gives Alice a cold stare] Yes.

Austin : [Looks disturbed. To Pantene] That is not good! Do you have any idea why this one way mind reading is only one way? [Glances at Alice and winks] Good question.

Pantene : [Narrowing her eyes at Alice giving Austin two thumbs up] No.

Alice : So all the Euphies can read each other and you lot, but you lot can't read anyone?

Gillette : Just each other, of course! evidence on more than one from other Euphorics. XVI Brandy, were able

Austin : [To Pantene] But not all Euphies can read eachothers minds, Olive Branch and her cronies were able to keep their nazi world take over plan secret from the rest of the Euphies, it was, after all, Olive Branch who contaminated that hugh vat of elven nascency fluid in, .. ermm [To the Party] Where was that again?

Alice : The near the Duck Ranch? Or the one in Euphoria?

Harvey: [To Alice, beaming] How ever do you remember all these details, niece?!

Alice : [Holds up an envelope] Write everything on the back of this!

Pantene : May we please go to Euphoria now?

Austin : [To Pantene] You appear to be more than a little tense, is there some urgent reason for this that we have not been informed about?

Harvey: [To Clint, in a loud urgent whisper] Don't say it, Private Scar! No crude speculation about, er, visiting Aunts and so forth.

Austin : [Rolls his eyes at Harvey] Mr Scar has not said anything, yet! [Smirks] Perhaps you are developing mind reading capabilities, colonel.

Bryam: I agree with Austin. We've been here too long, picking up elfish habits. I say we move on, sooner rather than later

Clint : Actually, Harv, I think it's the lawyer who's expecting one of his aunts to arrive!

Alice : [To Bryam] But we're going to move on to Euphoria, where there are even more elves!

Pantene : [To Austin] I merely wish us to get to Euphoria as soon as possible.

Neosporin : Me too!

Clint: Besides, the sooner we can get this over with, the less time we have to spend with them!

Pantene : Quite.

Alice : So let me get this straight? You guys can read our minds, the Morcs can read the Euphoric's minds and we can read the Euphoric's minds?

Pantene : [Rolls her eyes] No. We can read each others', and the Euphorics can read themselves and us, although you people seem to suggest that they can stop that.

Austin : Correct. Now, can we get going ?

Clint: [Impatiently] Hey, as long as no one can read my mind, what does it matter?

Bryam: [To Clint,with as serious face as possible] I can read your mind

Neosporin : Of course. [Starts the carriage moving, away from Paranoia]

Alice : [To Bryam] What a thrill that must be. Want to get drunk, don't want to wash, don't want to wash, want to get drunk.

Gillette : Remember, we are heading towards a war zone. [Takes out a roll of tin foil] Everybody make themselves a hat.

Clint: [To Alice, impressed] Hey, that's not bad, Bimbo. Course, you missed getting laid, but not a bad start. [To Gillette.] Will the tin-foil hat keep her from reading my mind? [Starts to make one for himself.]

Gillette : I hope so. There have been rumours that the Euphoric Elves are using psionic energy as a weapon. It only effects non elves, so we are safe.

Pantene : Less evolved creatures such as yourselves need all the protection you can get. Perhaps you should give us the wand to bring to Euphoria?

Austin : [To Pantene] Firstly, there is no good evidence that we are any less evolved than you are. Infact we where around when elves and morcs came into being. Secondly, [in an uncharacteristically prole like manner] no way, Hose!

Pantene : I believe that the stench itself is enough to prove that you are less evolved than we are. Even if your claim to have been around when we came into being is true, which it almost certainly is not, it would simply point to how humans have become stagnant. Given how badly you smell, maybe you are very stagnant.

[From up ahead comes the sound of explosions and fire can be seen in the distance.]

Alice : [Putting on her tinfoil hat] Phew! I wouldn't want to enter into a near certain fiery death without one of these!

Harvey: [Donning his tinfoil captain's hat] Too right, niece! [Laments] I only wish we could find enough to fashion body armor for the troop. Nothing like metal to keep out heat!

[The carriage suddenly skids to a halt.]

Gillette : [Turns to the party with a look of panic] Quickly! You need to get out of here!

Pantene : But don't forget to leave the wand!

Bryam: [Putting on his hat while everyone is distracted] Sounds good enough to me. [Opens the nearest carriage door and leaps out]

Austin : [To Gillette] Why? What is the problem?

Harvey: [To Pantene] Nice try, missy! My girl would never part with the wand! It is her sacred and special duty to protect it from falling into the wrong hands [pats Alice protectively and proudly].

Alice : That's right! [Pats her pocket] Hey! Where is it?

Gillette : [To Austin] Those Euphoric Elves that you said could shield their thoughts from others? I think they're here!

Harvey: [To Gillette] And you're going to abandon us to them?!

Gillette : No! But the only way you'll survive is to run!

Pantene : [Tripping Bryam as he gets out] Oh yes we are!

Gillette : [Dumb founded] But, Pantene! How? What?

Austin : [Sprays Pantene in the eye's with some aftershave that he was sniffing. Indignantly] Superior indeed!

Pantene : [Grabs Austin's hand, causing him to miss, and sending the aftershave ricocheting around the carriage] Yes, far superior!

Gillette : [To Pantene] You traitor!

Pantene : No, you're the traitor, pandering to this human filth!

Alice : [Sigh] Okay, are you guys one of those couples who constantly bicker before making it up with angry sex? Because this [ducks to avoid the aftershave as it sings over her head and out the window] this isn't the place!

Austin : [Tries to push Pantene out of the open carriage door that Bryam tried to get though. To Pantene] If you were superior you wouldn't be holding my hand!

Pantene : I am merely trying to prevent you from spraying your foul odour on me. [Easily prevents Austin from pushing her out]

Harvey : [Looks out the front of the carriage] By the saints! Someone's coming! Weapons out, troop, hut! Hut! Hut!

Bryam: [Picking himself up] Ow! I knew we couldn't trust you elves

Clint : Let's go!

[CLINT pushes into AUSTIN and PANTENE, rugby style, causing all three to fall out of the carriage, knocking down poor BRYAM again.]

Clint : [To Bryam] Sorry kid!

Bryam: [Rolling out of the carriage before picking himself up again] No worries

Alice : [Getting out of the carriage, stepping on Pantene as she does] What's going?

[There are twelve hooded figures approaching the carriage.]

Pantene : This where you -

Harvey : [Also stepping on Pantene] I say! Who are these bounders? [Rubs his forehead and pulls his hat further down]

Austin : [To Clint, annoyed] Good grief Mr Scar! This is a brand new suit, for heavens sakes! Try to be more thoughtful in the future. [Tries to get back into the carriage]

Clint: Hey, get back here, lawyer! And try to be less of a girly-man in the future! [Whips out his sword and looks around for the Euphorics that Gillette had blathered about.]

Bryam: [Watching the hooded figures] I think running might be a good plan [Turns, ready to run]

[One of the hooded figures drops their hood, revealing themselves as OLIVE BRANCH, a Euphoric Elf.]

Olive : [Looking very unhealthy, with her face all burnt and scarred] It doesn't matter where you run, you will still die, and this time we will make no mistake.

Olive Branch

Bryam: [Turning, and recoiling at the sight of Olive's face] Ugh! You're even uglier than all the other elves [To the others] You met her before? Or is she just crazy?

Alice : Both!

Austin : [Nods in agreement] Both.

Olive : [Slowly moving forwards with the other hooded figures] We are going to fry your brains, although I suspect that won't take long.

Gillette : [To Olive] Please! Don't kill them! They're here to help!

Clint: [Guffaws.] You look like you'd know, toots! Great scar!

Alice : [Nods] She looks bad even for someone who's supposed to be dead. Oh! [Covers her eyes with her hands] Ow, what's that?

Harvey : [Drops to his knees] By the saints! What's happening?

Clint: Ow! What the... [Claps his hands to his temples. To Olive] Not tonight, dear, I have a headache. Ugh.

Olive : Oh yes, it will be tonight. You will soon face the full force of our combined consciousness. [Smiles at the discomfort of the others]

Austin : [Hold his head in pain as blood gushes from his nose] Oh great, there goes another Hugio Shucksozi shirt! [Keels over]

Olive : At least you will be buried in a nice suit, even if it doesn't look good anymore.

Austin : [To Olive] It still looks a sight better than you do, sweetie!

Olive : Not for much longer!

[Everyone drops to the ground in pain.]

Olive : [With a sneer] Welcome to the world of collective consciousness - the greatest weapon ever made!

Austin : [Squirming on the ground in pain, tries to take a swig from his hip flask. To Olive, trying to look into her eyes] You'll never make it without us! [In pain] Your arrogance and ignorance will be your downfall!

Bryam: [Trying to stand through the pain] You call this...[Drops to the floor again] R2lsbGV0dGUgOiBObyEgU3RvcCEgVGhleSBhcmUgaGVyZSB0byBoZWxwIQ0KDQpPbGl2ZSA6IFtN b21lbnRhcmlseSB0YWtlbiBhYmFjayBhdCBzb21ldGhpbmcuXSBXaGF0IHRoZT8NCg0KICAgICAg W0V2ZXJ5b25lIGxvc2VzIGNvbnNjaW91c25lc3MuXQ0KDQo7OzsgZW5kIG9mIHNjZW5lDQpTZW50 IGZyb20gbXkgQmxhY2tCZXJyea4gd2lyZWxlc3MgaGFuZGhlbGQgIA== DQogICAgW0Jvb2sgViwgQWN0IFhJLCBTY2VuZSBWLiBUaGUgdG93bi4gQUxJQ0UsIEFVU1RJTiwg Q0xJTlQsIEhBUlZFWSBhbmQgQlJZQU0gYXJlIGhlcmUsIHdha2luZyB1cC4gVGhlIHBhcnR5IHNl ZW0gdG8gYmUgaW4gYSBzbWFsbCB0b3duIHdpdGggbm8gb25lIG9uIHRoZSBzdHJlZXRzLiBUaGUg aGVhZGFjaGVzIGFyZSBub3cgZ29uZS5dDQoNCkFsaWNlIDogW2xvb2tpbmcgYXJvdW5kXSB3aGF0 IGp1c3QgaGFwcGVuZWQgdGhlcmU/DQoNCjxwPjxhIGhyZWY9aHR0cDovL3d3dy5xdWVlbnMtdmll dy9NYXBzL0N1cnJlbnQ+Y2xpY2thYmxlIG1hcCBvZiB0aGUgdG93bjwvYT4NClNlbnQgZnJvbSBt eSBCbGFja0JlcnJ5riB3aXJlbGVzcyBoYW5kaGVsZCAg

Bryam: [Smelling food] I don't know, but I might need some food to cure it [Stands, and looks around] Quiet place

Austin : [Carefully checks his suit, shirt, Aspect, satchel and other belongings for anything suspicious, carefully cleaning as he goes along] We could be in some form of dream, or illusion, a cunning mind prison set up by Olive.

Harvey: [To Bryam, sniffing the air ecstatically] By the saints, it's about time! [Looks eagerly for food]

Alice : [As Austin verifies that he is as he was before arriving] Could be, Aus. [Looks around her, before pointing at the Fish and Chip Shop] Sounds like that's where the smell is coming from?

Fish and Chip Shop

Town map

Bryam: [Looking towards the Fish and Chip shop] Oh. I haven't had fish in so long

Clint: Dammit, that wasn't fair. I want a rematch! Wait until I get my hands on her! [Takes a sniff and trails off.] But that can wait for breakfast!

Harvey : [Beaming] By the saints, troop! This fair warms this old soldier's heart! [Leads the way to the chip shop, and opens the door.]

[Sitting at a table, surrounded by all sorts of battered food is JAKE BLUTARSKY, stuffing his face. He's moving quite slowly, and is clearly feeling very full.]

Jake Blutarsky

Clint: [Gives Jake a companionable nod.] I hope you left some for us - it's been a very long day! SmFrZSA6IFtiYXJlbHkgZ2xhbmNlcyB1cCBhbmQgZG9lc24ndCBzdG9wIGVhdGluZ10gTXVoLiBb bm9kcyBhdCBhbiBlbm9ybW91cyBzdGFjayBvZiBmb29kXQ0KU2VudCBmcm9tIG15IEJsYWNrQmVy cnmuIHdpcmVsZXNzIGhhbmRoZWxkICA=

Jake : [Barely glances up and doesn't stop eating] Muh. [Nods at an enormous stack of food near him]

Austin : [To Harvey] Well colonel, it seems as if this is self service! [Glances around suspiciously] This all seems a bit odd to me. Where is everyone else?

Harvey: [To Jake] Much obliged, good sir! [Helps himself to some food, to Austin, muffled by a massive mouthful of fish] Goo quesion! Les discuss afer lun.

Austin : [Frowns suspiciously at all of the deep fried food] That cannot be good for your heart.

Jake : [Looks over at Harvey and grunts approvingly] Mur!

Alice : [Poking what appears to be a deep friend horse, before turning to Austin] Yikes! I haven't seen this much batter since my night out in Edenburger!

Austin : [Nodding in agreement with Alice, whilst still cleaning his suit with his mini handi-dryclean roller] Aaah yes, Edenburger, deep fried Bars-mars, deep fried pizza, deep fried cheese'n burgers, deep fried chips in curry sauce. It's suprising any of the denizens where still alive. [Frowns and glances out of the window to see if there is anyone haveing a heart attack]

Clint: [Only half-kidding] Maybe the reason there's no staff is because this guy ate them?

Bryam: [Tucking in] Mm, good eating. I haven't had food this good for years!

[JAKE, who looks so full that he's going to throw up, slowly turns and grunts at BRYAM, in what appears to be a positive way.]

Alice : Don't be ridiculous Clint! He wouldn't eat pe- hey! [Picks up something deepfried] Okay, tell me this is just a deep fried octopus who's lost three of his legs!

Harvey: [Takes the deepfried objec from Alice and munches on it thoughtfully] That's what it tastes like to me, niece!

Clint: [Shrugs] Okay. That's just a deep fried octopus who's lost three of his legs.

Alice : [Her relief at Clint's words turning to horror at Harvey biting into the item] Uh, thanks.

[JAKE continues eating, paying no attention to the party, and pausing momentarily to give a big burp.]

Bryam: [To Alice] You can generally tell by whether or not it has bones, or joints.[To No-one in particular] Not that human tastes too bad. I wonder what it's like deep-fried

Jake : [Barely understandable through a huge mouthful of food] Tastes kinda like chicken.

Harvey: [Pulling octopus suckers from his teeth] Hmm, I would have guessed something gamier!

Jake : [Does a kind of "maybe" motion with his hand] Depends on the age.

Clint: [Looking around the place curiously] So do they have beer, or just beer-batter? All this talk about food is making me thirsty!

Austin : [To Jake] Perhaps you could tell us what the name of this town is? Where are we exactly?

Bryam: [To Clint] You could drink the grease I suppose

Jake : [Through a huge mouthful of food] Soul.

Clint: [Feeling a headache coming on] Well, where the hell is "Soul." And how did we get here! [Picks up something only vaguely reminiscent of fish and starts chomping irritatedly.]

Jake : [Shakes his head] Sold. Sold!

Alice : [Notices an enormous jar of salt beside her] Oh! You want some salt?

[ALICE hands the jar over to JAKE, who daintily dabs his mouth clean with a beautiful and delicate lace napkin and then takes the tiniest of tiny pinches of it, before swallowing the entire contents of the jar, giving a huge burp and putting the pinch of salt back in.]

Alice : [With a tear in her eye from the stink of the burp, waving her hand in front of her face] Oh dear.

Clint: [Feeling challenged, unleashes a belch of his own,]

Austin : [To Jake] Do you mean that the town has been sold, or that it is called 'Sold', the latter I presume?

Bryam: [To Austin] I believe he was asking for the salt [Takes some more food] I wish he'd left some though

[JAKE pauses for a moment, before giving what appears to be quite a painful belch, that goes on for an eternity. He then nods at BRYAM and continues eating with fresh energy.]

Alice : [Holding up the huge jar that has a teeny tiny pinch of salt in it] There's still some left.

Austin : [Finishes with his portable dry cleaner, and check his hair in his pocket mirror. To Jake] Are you trying to eat yourself to death or something? TGFzdCBmcm9tIGRvbSAjMzENCg0KSmFrZSA6IFtCdXJwcyBhbmQgY29udGludWVzIGVhdGluZ10N Cg0KQWxpY2UgOiBNYXliZSB5b3Ugc2hvdWxkIGdldCBDbGludCB0byB0cmFuc2xhdGUsIEF1cy4g SGUgc3BlYWtzIGJ1cnAuDQpTZW50IGZyb20gbXkgQmxhY2tCZXJyea4gd2lyZWxlc3MgaGFuZGhl bGQgIA==

Austin : [To Alice] Good idea, perhaps Bryam could help too, lest I =20 get double 'burpish'. TGFzdCBmcm9tIGRvbSAjMzMNCg0KQWxpY2UgOiBJdCBjb3VsZCBiZSB3b3JzZSBBdXMsIHlvdSBt aWdodCBnZXQgYnVycGlzaCBkZWxpZ2h0LiBbU2h1ZGRlcnMgYXQgdGhlIHRob3VnaHRdDQpTZW50 IGZyb20gbXkgQmxhY2tCZXJyea4gd2lyZWxlc3MgaGFuZGhlbGQgIA==

Austin : [To Alice, grimacing] I would very much like to avoid that. =20 [Looks grossed out by the troughing going on infront of him. Looks =20 around for clues as to where they are]

Harvey: [Still eating steadily] Burpish Delight isn't so bad, if you have it with a bit of jellied eel and a dash of hot sauce!

Jake : [Grunts at Harvey in approval, before reaching under the table and picking up an enormous jar of Extra Extra Extra Hot Sauce and slamming it on the table]

Alice : [With a hint of panic in her voice] Come on, Aus! We've got to get out of here - won't someone think of the flatulence?

Austin : [To Alice] Yes, I think that would be prudent. Let us wait just outside the front door, we may be able to see the town better from there.

Alice : [Nods] Good idea, Austin. [Points at some unidentified deep fried objects] Maybe we should take some of them, you know, just in case?

Clint: [Disdainfully] Wimps! [Sticks with Harv and Jake for the moment.]

Alice : [Looks out for a moment, then glances back in, before addressing Austin in a very stilted manner] Oh look, Austin. There's lots and lots of dessert out here.

Bryam: [Swallowing his mouthful] Dessert?! Where? [Runs to the door]

Alice : [Dodging out of the way to avoid being trampled by Bryam, and calling out to Harvey] There's cre-eam!

Austin : [Dodging Bryam's charge] Indeed Alice, is that not a [emphasis] Hot double chocolate double cream fudge hot quadruple truffle chocolate sunday?

Clint: Hey, in that case... [Hurriedly pushes himself away from the table, belching his farewell to Jake in the process.]

[JAKE belches in return, but doesn't bother looking up.]

Alice : [To Austin, suddenly excited] Really? Where?

Harvey: [To Bryam, through a mouthful of food] Save some for me, Private!

[Everyone is now back outside, and all too aware of the awful truth of the situation. There is no dessert here.]

Alice : [To Bryam, Clint and Harvey] Sorry guys, but we had to get you out of there.

Bryam: [To Alice, with mock sadness] The Betrayal! How can I ever trust you again [Looks at Austin] Oh, yeah. Don't worry about it then

Austin : [To Harvey, gravely] Colonel, do you still have the wand?

Harvey: [To Austin] I do, of course [reaches into his right pocket and grows pale]. Gah! Those confounded elves must have taken it! I never trusted them, with their deadly pointed ears and uncanny urine!! [Winces and grabs his left side] Cadet Smock, will you stop poking me with that stick?! If you would like to be recognized, you need only salute and wait for me to acknowledge you!

Austin : [Looks around, concerned] Colonel, cadet Smock is not present.

Harvey: [Alarmed] Well then what [feels his left side and continues] er, right, I found the wand! We'd better get a move on before those elves make another grab at it!

Austin : [To Harvey] Are you sure that's the wand, perhaps you should check just incase the elves switched it with a fake, whilst we were unconcious?

Harvey: [Considers Austin's words and bellows] Damn those wily elves! [Pulls out the wand and checks it out] Well, it looks like the same wand to me, but I'm a soldier not a wizard, what!

Alice : [Looks closely at the wand] Well, it certainly looks like the same wand to me, but doesn't it seem strange that the elves didn't take it?

Austin : [To Alice] I recall Olive being startled by something just before I fell unconcious, perhaps some ally orbed us here before the wicked elves could get to us?

Alice : Could be, Aus, but this is the Interior - do we even have any allies here?

Harvey: [To Alice] Isn't Cocan here abouts?

Alice : In the Interior? I guess he was - and what about Nefiritiri? And Milicent? Hey, I bet one of them has brought us here!

Bryam: Well, I wish they'd show up, so I can thank them. Or even know who they are [Suspicious] They're elves, aren't they?

Clint: Yeah, but they're not all that bad. [Looks around the street curiously.] Of course, we still have no idea where we are - are we even in the Interior? sort

Alice : No they're not! They're all clearly humans - well, maybe not Nefiritiri or Milicent, but they sure aren't elves! [Looks around] Maybe we should check out the other places? [Points at building #3] Hey! There's someone watching us!

[Just as ALICE points, the lace curtains fall back down, the person who was watching clearly trying to stay out of view.]

elves. I should

Milicent Fuff

Nefiritiri

Cocan

Alice : But don't they normally look into [emphasis] your room? You know, late at night, a bunch of your friends are around for a sleepover, and you're going to have a pillow fight, but it's warm so someone suggests taking off your already suspiciously small and flimsy nightwear? thought, right???

Bryam: Considering it's not something you'd not normally have to deal with, I'm sure

Harvey: [Astonished] Niece, don't you stand for that nonsense! The next time one of those perverts tries to separate you from your clothes, you give them a good pounding!

Alice : Uh, okay. [Peers at Bryam] Sure of what? [To the party] What now? Will we check out Tom's house?

Clint: [Snickers for a bit.] Hey, let's start with that guy! [Moves over to house #3 and flexes his door-kicking foot.]

[The party advance on the house, with CLINT's foot leading the way.]

Alice : Do we knock? Or get Stinky to kick the door in?

Harvey: I'll knock first, but Private Scar, keep your foot at the ready! [goes to knock]

[HARVEY gives a good, firm knock, but no one comes to answer the door.]

Clint: I got it! [Gives the door a good, firm kick.] Haw!

Bryam: [With a heavy sigh] Because checking if the door was unlocked wouldn't have been easier?

Alice : [As Clint kicks the door in] Sure it would - it just wouldn't have been as cool!

[From inside comes the sound of someone clapping slowly and ironically.]

Bryam: [Looking inside] Hmm, foreboding. I suspect a villain

Clint: Or as fun! C'mon, this is basic stuff here! [Looks around for the slow ironic clapper.]

Harvey: [Pokes his head inside the building and asks] Who claps there?!

[The party all slowly edge their way in, getting closer to the clapper. Soon they see a man, CYMON SOWELL sitting at the window from earlier, doing the slow clap. When the party approach him, he stops clapping and gives them a big thumbs down.]

Cymon : Oh please. Call that an entrance? You started off with one of the most limp wristed knocks I've ever had the misfortune to hear, then subjected me to a door kicking in that my old granny could out do, and as for the final approach in here? I'm sorry, but have you [emphasis] ever broken into a house before?

Cymon Sowell

Bryam: Not quite so blatantly, no. And who might you be, hiding behind your lace curtains and your insults?

Clint: Well, when you put it that way, it makes it seem sort of like he might be the lawyer's evil twin!

Cymon : [To Bryam] I should have guessed. [Addressing the party] I am Cymon Sowell. Who are you [looks the party over] people?

Austin : [To Cymon, calmly, introducing everyone] Austin, Alice, Bryam, and the Colonel. Could you tell us where we are please, what is the name of this town?

Harvey: [To Cymon] Watch your tongue, chappie! I outrank you by a mile!

Cymon : Well lah di dah, a Colonel, isn't that just fine for you? I'm sure I'd have an easy time if I was a Colonel too. [Looks Austin up and down with disgust] So, you're so important you don't even know the name of our [sarcastically] tiny little town?

Austin : [Glances around. Slowly to Cymon] Is there some one here that cares for you? I get the impression that they have forgotten to give you your medication. Poor thing [Leans into the hallway] Hello? Is there anyone there? Your patient, Cymon, appears to need some nursing! [Tuts] Care in the community is a terrible idea, leaving mad people sitting on their own all day, getting more bonkers by the minute. [To Harvey] Perhaps we should search the building to see if there is some one sane around here. [Juts a thumb at Cymon] Perhaps he tied his carer up or something.

Cymon : Oh sure, it's easy for you to insult people - you have a bunch of heavily armed cronies with you!

Austin : [To Cymon] Ooooh, I'm sooo sorry, I inappropriately assumed that your complete lack of social skills were the effect of your learning disabilities! side peeps) Last, offensive post, from Dom #79

Cymon : Don't get pissy with me - if I had all the trappings you do, I'd easily fit in with any social scene.

Alice : Even in a disgusting, cheese ball den?

Cymon : [Eyes light up] Especially there!

Clint: Buddy, if you had all the trappings that the lawyer did, you'd be a nancy-boy too! Instead of just an idiot.

Cymon : Oh sure, I'd talk that big too if only I had the weaponry and back up you do.

Austin : [To Cymon] So you have heard of us before?

Harvey: [Modestly] No surprise, really, given our exploits!

Cymon : Oh of [even more sarcasm] course I've heard of the [somehow sounds even more sarcastic again] great Queens View party!

Alice : Uh, is that a yes?

Cymon : Yes! Not that I'm impressed at your [finger quotes] exploits, of course, anyone could have done that if they had all the advantages you people did.

Harvey: What are you about, chappie?! The only advantages we had were our fighting spirit and our will to do good!

Cymon : Sure, and the fact that you had all those fancy weapons, not to mention all the crazy dumb luck you people have, had absolutely nothing to do with you [distastefully does some finger quotes] doing good.

The Music [From without comes the sound of some downhome hillbilly banjo playing. Everyone goes to the door to see what's going on, and see that there is a bunch of people here, some of whom are playing instruments. They are DANGSTEN BLACKHEART, DR. JEROME K. TRINDLE, BSc, PhD, OLIVE BRANCH, MISTER BODDY (ukelele), PESTILENCE SOTOT (spoons), FAETAN JARL, GEORGE "STUMP" CROSSCREEK (banjo), SMOCK (tambourine), SARASATE (drums), GARAGANFARHUR (violin), ALTHO KINDLIER, EVAN STARGLOW and BALKLINE GROOT (jug). The band are playing their hearts out and really giving it their all, and apparently enjoying it.]

All : The Queens View party's going to die Doo-da, Doo-da The Queens View party don't have long Oh, de doo-da day Goin' to scream all night Goin' to scream all day We'll cut their throats and gouge out their eyes Oh, de doo-da day

Boddy : The Queens View party ruined my life Doo-da, doo-da The Queens View party killed my wife Oh, de doo-da day I tried to help them out Tried to save their lives Now I'm left on my own with this broken heart And they're going to pay

Jerome : I saved their hides with a hot air balloon Doo-da, doo-da Alice broke my heart then turned me all bad Oh, de doo-da day I'm going to sacrifice All the things they love I'll work with Seth until I know that we've won And we'll drink all their blood

Olive : The Queens View party ruined my town Doo-dah! Doo-dah! The Queens View party spoiled my drink Oh! doo-dah day! I was going to brew brandy Made from human beings But they found me out then told on me And I lost all I had

Dangsten : The Queens View party mean nothing to me Doo-dah! doo-dah! The Queens View party are no challenge to me Oh! de doo-dah day! I'm going to fuck them up Just because I can I'm going to have fun with torturing them It's the kind of guy I am Dangsten, Olive, Jerome and Boddy : [Quietly] The Queens View party's going to die Doo-da, Doo-da The Queens View party won't last long Oh, de doo-da day

All : Goin' to scream all night Goin' to scream all day We'll cut their throats and gouge out their eyes And then we'll piss in the holes

[Exit the SINGERS and MUSICIANS, down through the hatch, which shuts after them.]

Cymon : [Applauding] Excellent! Excellent stuff! Finally, we get to hear something worth listening to!

Dangsten Blackheart

Dr. Jerome K. Trindle, BSc, PhD

Olive Branch

Mr. Boddy

Pestilence Sotot>

Faetan Jarl

George "Stump" Crosscreek

Smock

Sarasate

Garaganfarhur, Devourer of Spirits

Altho Kindlier

Evan 'v'n Starglow

Balkline Groot

[Book V, Act VI, Scene I. Cymon's House. ALICE, AUSTIN, CLINT, HARVEY, BRYAM and CYMON are here, standing at the door.]

Alice : [Singing to herself] Goin' to scream all night, goin' to scream all day. [To the others] Everyone else just saw that, right?

Harvey: [Astonished, but still snapping his fingers and tapping his foot absently] I most assuredly did, niece! And what in blazes was Cadet Smock doing with that band of villains?!

Alice : I think she was playing the tambourine!

Harvey: Too right she was! And acting like there was nothing sinister about it, what! Do you think she's been brainwashed??

Bryam: Those were all people you know? They seemed good enough people to me [starts humming to himself]

Alice : I don't know, Harvey, she didn't look at all washed to me!

Austin : [To Bryam] With the exception of Smock, they are all evil individuals that we have clashed with in the past.

Harvey: [Grimly] Now let's go have a look at that hatch, shall we?

Cymon : Oooh! Let's go look at the hatch! Well lah di dah!

[Everyone turns and gives CYMON a brief look before heading out to the hatch.]

Austin : [Doing a quick survey of the hatch] It appears to be locked from the inside.

Harvey: [To Cymon] Well, chappie, do you know anything about this infernal hatch?

Cymon : Oh, so now that you want something from me you're giving me a chance to join the [sarcastically] great Queens View Party? Well, I don't want to join your cosy little group, I don't want to play that game. [Puts his fingers in his ears] I don't care about you people, not the slightest bit. [Steps back through the doorway and slams it]

[Almost immediately the party can see that he has taken up position at the window and is peering through the curtains at them.]

Clint: [Gives Cymon the bird before turning back to the rest of the party.] What if we drop something really heavy on the hatch?

Alice : [Standing on the hatch, looking at the glass] Good idea, Stinky, what have we got that's heavy?

Clint: [A little whistfully] We couldn't use one of the locals, do you think? Or do we have to try finding a piano instead?

Austin : [With barely concealed contempt] A piano? That's -

Alice : [Interrupting] That's a great idea, Clint! We could get someone to play a cheery song on the piano to help us think!

Harvey: [Thinking] Perhaps some drums would be better. Drums tend to get the troops motivated.

Clint: Right on, Harv. Now, where are we going to find a drum set? [Looks around the small town expectantly.]

Harvey: [To Austin] Perhaps we could fashion some drums using those dreadful leather pants of yours?

Austin : You confuse me with someone else, Colonel. I do not own any dreadful leather pants. My collection of leather pants is actually rather fabulous. There are, however, several buildings in the town which we have not yet investigated. Perhaps we should see if the people in there can be of assistance. Failing that, we could return to the Fish and Chip shop and use the large individual there as a heavy weight.

Alice : Heavy weight? I thought we were looking for a musical instrument!

Austin : What need have we for a musical instrument when we have my melodious voice?

Clint: [Eagerly] And can we drop you on the hatch to break it open?

Austin : Don't be ridiculous. We clearly need to investigate the other buildings.

Bryam: [Looking at the church] Hey, is that a church over there? They usually have expensive...er, heavy things in them, which we could, er...borrow

Alice : Forget that, let's steal them!

Bryam: Well, I didn't want to be the one to say it

Alice : Maybe we should let [spells out the letters] O S T N say it?

Harvey: [Frowns] What is this "Oh es Tien?" business, niece? Some sort of code among young tuffs for stealing holy relics from a place of worship?! [Warningly] Surely there must be some other explanation! The Shorts are as honest as cat's kittens!

Alice : [Exasperated] O S T N - Austin!

Clint: Yeah! It'd be just like old times for him! Plus, stealing from people is pretty much what lawyers do for a living anyway! Good idea, Bimbo!

Austin : You are quite incorrect, Mr. Scar. I never stole anything. It was more of a temporary relocation of items which had dishonestly been appropriated in the first place.

Bryam: Yeah, you keep on with that. Meanwhile, I'm gonna go see what there is to take [Moves towards church]

Harvey : [To Bryam] By the saints, young lad, that's the spirit! [Follows Bryam with the rest of the party]

Alice : [Noticing that the door is ajar] Looks like this is one less door for you to kick in, Stinky.

Clint: Nah, I can still kick it!

[Enter CEVIN CASEY, opening the door. He is wearing a hugely expensive looking suit and smoking a cigarette with a long cigarette holder.]

Cevin : My my, what energy you have, Clint.

Cevin Casey

[CEVIN takes a long, satisfying drag of his cigarette.]

Cevin : How quiet you all are.

Harvey: [Scoffs] Quiet?! Just you wait until all of your mortal enemies sing an infernally catchy song about murdering YOU!

Clint: Plus a kid! Anyway, who the hell are you, and how do you know who I am, anyway?

Cevin : I'm Cevin Casey, and I know [waves his hands in a mock mysterious way] lots of things.

Clint: Oh? Do you know how to open the hatch? Or where we can find a piano?

Cevin : Both. I even know where you can find someone to play a virtuoso performance on that piano. [CEVIN takes a long drag of his cigarette and blows a huge cloud of smoke towards the party.]

Bryam: [Takes a deep breath of the smoke] Oh? And would you care to tell us, or will we just have to revert to our original plan?

Cevin : [Pausing momentarily to admire his reflection on the shiny door handle] That depends.

[Time passes.]

Alice : On what?

Cevin : On what you want me to tell you.

Alice : How about why you're so smug?

Cevin : That's not smugness, that's satisfaction.

Clint: [Suspiciously, and with gradually increasing hysteria] Are you related to the lawyer, too? Is everyone in this blasted town?!? What fresh hell is this?!

Harvey: [To Cevin] And what in blazes are you so satisfied with? Q2V2aW4gOiBwcmV0dHkgbXVjaCBldmVyeXRoaW5nIHJlYWxseSwgYnV0IHRoaXMgc3VpdCBpbiBw YXJ0aWN1bGFyLg0KDQpBdXN0aW4gOiBbbm9kZGluZ10gSXQgcmVhbGx5IGlzIGEgcmF0aGVyIG5p Y2Ugc3VpdC4NClNlbnQgZnJvbSBteSBCbGFja0JlcnJ5riB3aXJlbGVzcyBoYW5kaGVsZCAg

Cevin : Yes, a very nice suit.

Austin : A very nice suit indeed.

Bryam: Well, if you've both finished admiring that suit, which I'm sure you haven't, I'm off to do some looting of priceless religious artifacts [Moves into church]

Cevin : [Steps forward, blocking the way] I don't think so. [Still smiling] Why don't you back off?

Harvey: [To Cevin] And what are you, the bishop, what?! Kindly step out of out way, sir!

Cevin : No, I'm not the bishop, I'm just some guy who doesn't like to see people steal stuff from my church.

Alice : Do you mean your church as in the one you run? Or the one you pray in?

Cevin : Neither, this is the building in town with the highest number of brightly polished metal surfaces.

Harvey: [To Cevin] We do not intend to mar your precious reflective surfaces, chappie! Since we are not at cross purposes, we'll be on our way [confidently moves toward the church].

Cevin : [Still blocks the way] On the contrary, Colonel, you will not.

Harvey: [Suspiciously] This about more than your preening, isn't it? What's going on in that blasted church? What's the big secret?!

Bryam: What's to stop us gaining entrance by force?

Cevin : [Looks Bryam up and down] I should say that's rather obvious, Bryam.

Clint: [Looks Cevin up and down and starts laughing, before turning to the party.] Yeah, so there's no problem getting into the church, but we don't really need to swipe priceless religious artifacts. Maybe we should try the library or something like that,

Cevin : Why don't you do that, [pause] Chastity?

Clint: [Ignoring Cevin] Here, lawyer, keep your soulmate busy while the rest of us find something useful to do.

Cevin : No need, I'm too busy contemplating my greatness.

Austin : [Sniffs haughtily] Such arrogance. [To Clint] I suggest we try one of the other buildings.

Clint: I wonder where I [with emphasis] just heard that suggestion? [Picks a building more-or-less at random and starts walking in that general direction.]

Alice : Huh, that's very convenient, isn't it? I could sure do with a beer and a welcome from a friendly innkeeper. [Tries the door of the cantina, only to find it's locked] Oh no!

Harvey: [To Austin] Ah, Private Sleaze, could this door be, er, persuaded open?

Austin : But of course, Colonel. [Quickly sets to work, before a satisfying click is heard] There we go.

Harvey: [Attempts to open the door] Thank you, Private!

[The door swings open to reveal a dark and dusty bar. It appears to be just one room and looks like it hasn't been used for years.]

Alice : [Trying to make a shadow puppet] Hey look! That looks just like a scary spider!

Austin : That is a scary spider.

Alice : [Looks at the enormous spider] Eek!

Clint: [Perturbed at having the door opened by someone else, gives it a kick on general principle.] C'mon, Bimbo, how scary can a spider be? [Gets a look at the spider] That's a scary spider!

[CLINT gives the door an almighty kick and sends it flying towards the spider, squashing it with a disgusting squelching sound. From without a voice is heard.]

Voice : [Screaming] Dave!

Clint: [Turns towards the party, a little shame-facedly] Dave?

[Everyone turns to look and see CRUSSELL ROWE, a large man with a look of anguish on his face.]

Crussell : Dave! What have they done to you?

Crussell Rowe

Clint: [Takes a look at Crussell and decides his legendary diplomatic finesse is called for here.] Who the hell is Dave?

Crussell : [Glares at Clint before stepping in and lifting up the door, revealing a dead spider] That, you bastard, is Dave.

Dave the Spider (RIP)

Harvey: [To Crussell] Er, look here, civilian. Private Scar was merely trying to defend our troop from an attack by a monster! None of us knew that monster was someone's pet, what!

Crussell : [Drawing his sword] You bastard! You're the monsters here!

Harvey: [Also draws his sword] Calm down, chappie! We're sorry for your loss, but now you can get a proper pet.

Crussell : [Getting in Harvey's face, covering him with spit with each word] Proper pet? Proper pet?

Harvey: [Holding his ground, fuming] You heard me! A man's pet, like a dog or a horse or somesuch!

Crussell : A horse? How the hell can you keep a horse in a jam jar so that they spin their web into beautiful forms?

Austin : Strictly speaking, if you were in the habit of keeping Dave in a jar, you could technically be held responsible for his death.

[CRUSSELL punches AUSTIN in the face, knocking him to the ground.]

Clint: [Trying to be helpful] You can still put the freaking spider in a freaking jar, freak. [Watches Crussell hit Austin] Hey! No hitting the lawyer! I know it's tempting, but do that again and I'm gonna have to stop you. [Interposes himself manfully to defend his comrade-in-arms.]

Crussell : [Steps back, sword at the ready] Come on you cowards! All at once or one at a time, makes no difference to me!

Clint: [Looks at Alice and stifles a snigger.] You gonna put up with him stealing your line, Bimbo?

Alice : Hey!

Clint: [To Crussell] Anyway, if you could just tell us what's up with that hatch outside and how to open it, we'll be out of your hair and you can get back to doing... whatever it is that you do here!

Harvey: [To Clint, furious, striking pre-karate chop pose] Wait just a minute, Private Scar! You apologize to my niece this instant or you will wish you had!

Crussell : [To Clint] Not a chance! Get the hell away from my jail before I throw you all in there!

Clint: [To Harvey] Huh? It's just that Alice is so brave, you know, that she's willing to take on the entire opposing team at once!

Harvey: [To Clint, beaming proudly at Alice] Too right! Sorry I misunderstood you, Private!

Crussell : That's not what he meant! That's not what he meant at all! Hit him! Hit the bastard!

Harvey: [To Crussell, annoyed] Weren't you off to find a gnat to put in a jar and name?!

Crussell : Shut up, old man! [Punches Harvey square in the jaw, knocking him to the ground]

Bryam: Perhaps we should all calm down? [Starts singing a soothing tune]

Alice : Huh. That's a cool approach, Bryam. [Sneaks a look at her little book of calm] "When you're feeling stressed, add a drop of lavender to your bath, and you will soon feel your troubles melt away." Cool.

[CRUSSELL punches ALICE in the face, knocking her onto HARVEY.]

Alice : Ow! Hey!

Harvey: [Takes a swing at Crussell, furious] How dare you!

Crussell : [Blocks Harvey and slashes him across the chest] Murderers!

Alice : [Gets up, drawing her sword] Let's get him!

Harvey: [Whips out his sword and attacks Crussell] Come on, troop!

[CRUSSELL deals HARVEY a savage blow knocking him to the ground unconscious.]

Alice : Harvey! [Swings at Crussell]

Austin: [Attacks Crussell with his sling] It was just a spider! A disgusting, germ-ridden vermin! Let it go!

Bryam: [Stops singing and sighs] This is getting quickly out of hand. What if we apologise and, say, find you a new pet? Another spider perhaps?

Crussell : [Not even listening to Bryam and Austin as he attacks Alice] I'm gonna kill you all, you bastards!

[ALICE hits CRUSSELL, but he knocks her unconscious with a savage blow to the head. AUSTIN hits CRUSSELL with a bullet, which he hardly even notices.]

Clint : [Swings at Crussell] Holy crap! It was [shouts] just a spider!

Bryam: That's it. I'm out of here [moves to leave warehouse]

Austin: [To Bryam, angrily] Coward! Can't you at least [venomously sarcastic] spread peace by taking care of the wounded?! [charges at Crussell with a dagger]

[CRUSSELL whirls around and swings at AUSTIN.]

Crussell : I'm gonna kill you all!

Clint: [Looks around at Harvey, out cold; Alice, out cold; Austin, wounded direly, and can't really disagree.] Hey! It was just a spider! Really! Would it help if I said I was sorry I squished the damn thing? [Takes a swing at Crussell anyway, assuming that, really, it wouldn't help at all. Some people just love their spiders too much.]

Crussell : Oh, I'll make you sorry!

[CRUSSELL slices CLINT's head clean off, hitting AUSTIN in the face with it. He then pulls out an axe and throws it at BRYAM, hitting him in the back, knocking him down.]

Austin : I must warn you, you are leaving yourself open to lawsuit here!

[CRUSSELL, apoplectic with rage, slices through AUSTIN's throat, causing him to fall to the ground.]

Crussell : Murderers! Murderers! [Hacks up the unconscious bodies of Harvey, Alice and Bryam.] Murderers! [Pauses for a while, panting and out of breath, before storming into the jail] Right! Who's next for torturing? [Book V, Act XI, Scene VII. The town. ALICE, AUSTIN, CLINT, HARVEY and BRYAM are here, waking up. The party are back where they started, all absolutely fine.]

Alice : [Looking around] what just happened there?

Clint: [Glancing nervously in the general direction of the jail.] No idea, Bimbo. But I think my spider-squishing days are over for a while!

Alice : I should hope so! [Looks over at the jail] I hope that guy isn't going to come after us again, he seemed pretty angry.

Clint: He seemed downright homicidal! Not to mention insane. [Pauses] Let's pick another building. Harv?

Harvey: [Astonished] What the blazes was that nonsense?! I'd say maybe it was something we ate, but it's been [enormous, stomach rumbly emphasis] DAYS since we had a bite!

Alice : It's been minutes! Let's not go back to that chip shop, please! Let's see, there are seven buildings, as well as the hatch, and we've been to the house, the church, the chip shop and the jail/bar thing. That leaves the bank, the library and the place with the red light.

Bryam: [Looking around] Red light seems to be the most likely place to find an explanation. It seems the most mysterious, anyway

Austin : I'm just surprised you don't want to run in the opposite direction.

Bryam: I'm restraining myself

Austin : As are the rest of us.

Harvey: [Dreamily] Ah, that red light business reminds me of my dear wife. Her charity club is lit by lovely red light, and it glows like the flaming fire of my love for her. [Snaps out of his reverie] What are you talking about, Private Sleaze?! [To Bryam] Run in the opposite direction?!

Austin : [Gives Bryam a long cool look before turning to Harvey] Charity club? Sounds interesting. [Walks towards the red light] It looks like the door is glass, so perhaps Mr. Scar should beware of kicking it open.

Alice : Maybe he could wear a pair of slippers? That way he wouldn't kick it as hard.

Harvey: [To Clint] Maybe you should use a weapon this time, Private! Don't want you slicing up your kicking foot, after all.

[Enter HAVID DASSELHOFF, sliding in front of the inside of the door. He is dressed in a rather startling leather codpiece and has a big smile.]

Havid : [Doing a double finger point and click] Click-click! Hellooooo beautiful people!

Havid Dasselhoff

Harvey: [To Havid, keeping his eyes well away from the disturbing codpiece] Er, hello, good fellow! Are you a resident of this fine town?

Havid : [Breathes on the glass window, before writing "yes" on it] I sure am! [Opens the door] What can I do for you [runs his eyes over each party member] fine, fine people.

Clint: [Appalled] I'll just, uh, be over in the chip shop. Lawyer, this guy seems right up your alley - I'm sure you can find something to discuss. [Begins edging away.]

Havid : Don't be shy boys and girls - there's plenty of ol' Havid to go around!

Harvey: [To Havid, extending a hand] I'm Colonel Harvey Kingston-Short, and this is my troop, Privates Sleaze, Scar, my dear niece Alice, and, er, Recruit Bryam! We are curious about the strange hatch in your fair town. Do you know anything about it?

Havid : [Takes Harvey's hand and quickly bends down, rubbing it against his cheek] Mmm. Leathery. [Stands straight up, still holding Harvey's hand] Hatch, you say? [Shakes his head] Never saw it!

Clint: Hey! Get a room, you freak! [Backs away a bit more.]

Havid : [Smiling away] I already have a room - wanna see it?

Harvey: [Pulls his hand away and discreetly wipes it on his trousers] Er, no, we'll be on our way, then.

Clint: Oh, and that freaky guy over in the jail wanted to see you, by the way. [Backs away yet further.]

Havid : Don't make me beg! I'm so lonely here!

Harvey: [Backing away from Havid] Why are you so lonely?

Havid : Look around you! There are just seven of us living in this town - seven!

Harvey: And who are the others?

Clint: A bunch of freaks? [Begins listing on his fingers.] Let's see, there's this... person. The crazy guy with the spider. The fat slob in the chippie. The lawyer's twin... Hmm. Who *are* the others?

Havid : Nothing's free in this world, my friend. Maybe I could tell for a kiss, though.

Alice : If someone gives you a kiss you'll tell us?

Havid : [Gyrating up against the door] Sure will, baby.

Alice : [To Austin] Work away.

Austin : [With disgust] Certainly not. Mr. Scar? You seem to have a certain, rapport with him.

Clint: [With disgust] Certainly not. Harv? You're the leader here, after all. Set us an inspiring example of leadership!

Harvey: [To Clint] I am a happily married man, Private! I wouldn't dream of betraying my bride in such a way. [To Havid] And, sir, I'll thank you to stop trying to turn my troops to prostitution!

Bryam: I've been prostitution for a long time. How much do we need this information?

Alice : [Watching Havid's eyes light up in delight] Uh, quite a lot, I think.

Bryam: Well, I guess it's up to me then

Havid : Pucker up, sweet thing. [Leans in for a kiss]

Bryam: [Kisses Havid, briefly] Right. So now your part of the deal, yes?

[HAVID prolongs the kiss as much as possible, but slowly lets BRYAM go.]

Havid : Mm, tastes like fish.

[ALICE juts her thumb back at the Fish and Chip Shop.]

Havid : Ah! [To Bryam, licking his lips, pointing out the corresponding buildings as he talks] We've got Cymon [points at the terraced house] Mann [points at the bank, rolling his eyes as he does] Cevin [church] Miss Prim [library] Crussel [jail] Jake [Fish and Chip Shop] and myself, that's the seven.

Harvey: And you don't socialize with these other townsfolk? For instance, Miss Prim sounds lovely.

Clint: [Busily scrubbing his eyes] Now now, Harv, you're a married man. [Singsong] Byram and freaky guy, sitting in a tree...

Alice : [Singing along] K - I - S - S - uh, G.

Havid : [To Harvey] Nah, she doesn't like me at all!

Bryam: Nah, I tried it in a tree once, but the branches and leaves got in the way. Not good

Clint: Yeah, whatever. Tell it to the lawyer! Anyway, let's go meet the librarian. She can't be any worse than this freak!

Harvey: [To Havid] Thank you for your assistance, good sir! [To the party] To the library, troop!

Austin : [To CLint] There is nothing illegal about partaking in carnal activities whilst in the boughs of a tree, [Glances towards the library, then back to Clint, looking him once over, and grimacing, adds] providing that one's partner is an adult human, of course.

Harvey: [To Austin, baffled] What the blazes are you talking about, Private?!

[The party start heading towards the library.]

Havid : [Calling after the party] You all come back soon, okay?

[Soon the party are at the library, the door of which is closed.]

Bryam: [To Clint] Looks like a job for you, big guy

[From within comes a woman's voice.]

Voice : Sh!

Bryam: Oops, sorry [To Clint, whispering] Looks like a job for you big guy

Harvey : [Leans in, speaking loudly] What? I say, chappie, speak up!

Voice : [Annoyed] Sh!

Harvey: [To the party, loudly and confidently] He's imitating the mating call of the lop-eared locust. [Nostalgically] Ah, I haven't had one in years!

Clint: [Quietly, to Byram] I'd give it a kick, but there might be a spider on the other side! [Tries the handle]

Alice : [Wide eyed at Harvey] And, uh, what did you do with the locust?

[Just as CLINT tries the handle, someone opens the door, with the effect that it almost hits them in the face. The party can see that the voice belongs to a woman, MISS PRIM.]

Prim : Be careful!

Alice : Hey! [Points at a "Silence" sign] Sh!

Miss Prim

Clint: [Too loudly] Really! Can't you read?!

Alice : [Points to another handwritten sign] Hm! [Reading] Fine for

breaking the rules : 5,000GP.

Prim : [Unimpressed] The rules don't apply to me, this is my library. Also [ripping down the handwritten sign] this has only just appeared, leading me to believe that you yourselves put it here.

Alice : Yeah? What proof have you got?

Prim : Let me see. It is written in crayon, it is almost completely illegible, there is no Y in fine and you have spelled GP incorrectly.

Bryam: Rats! I'll have to work on my spelling

Prim : [Recoils at Bryam's outrageous language] Please! Mind your language, you will bother those inside.

Alice : [Looking in passed Prim at the empty library] Apologise to the books, Bryam.

Harvey: [To Miss Prim] Let me apologize most sincerely for the immaturity of this recruit, Miss! He has not yet been seasoned, but I'll make a man of him yet, don't you worry! [Looks around at the books] This is quite a fine collection you have here. Have you any books about local history?

Prim : No.

Alice : How about general history?

Prim : No.

Austin : Foreign history?

Prim : No.

Clint : Modern history?

Prim : No.

Clint: What do you have, then? [Eyes widening as he has a thought.] You don't get the Athletics Pictorial swimsuit issue, do you?

Prim : Of course we do.

Clint: [To the group] I'll just be in here if you need me, then. [By way of explanation] I just read it for the articles, you know.

Prim : Of course, we don't have any modern issues. They are filth. Filth. Pure-T filth. [Points at a calender that's conveniently placed close by, which has a picture of a heavily clothed woman on the front, who looks like she's wearing about ten layers of clothing] We only carry ones like this. [Frowns at it] I do believe I can see some skin. [Takes the magazine and tears it up]

Clint: [Eyes wide] Hey! Librarians aren't supposed to go destroying books! Even dirty magazines with no redeeming literary value! [Pauses] Is everyone in this town crazy, or is it just the people we've met so far?

Austin : [Catches sight of himself in a mirror, and sighs in pleasure] Aaah. [Checks his hair, then takes a deep breath and satisfied sigh. Checks himself out a few times in the mirror, turning around]

Bryam: [Giving Austin a strange look. To Clint] No, I think it's everyone

Prim : [To Clint] Everyone, that is, but me. They are disgusting and filthy, what with their rage, their lust and all their other faults. Dirty. Very dirty. [Takes out a packet of handy wipes and cleans her hands] You must all leave immediately. I can see vices all over you. while, in Spain, so access throughout

Prim : Please. Even looking at you is offensive.

Austin : [To Prim] And are you devoid of vice? Your obsesvive hand cleaning is reminiscent of a certain Lady BacMeth. [Glances around the library] Being the educated type, as I presume you are, you have probably read the play? [Gives Prim a quisical look]

Prim : It is not obsessive, it is necessary. Now, please leave, I don't have time to dilly dally all day. I have much work to do.

Austin : [To Prim, looking around] Really? There appear to be no fewer, and no less than seven residents in this town, do they come in here regularly?

Harvey: [To Austin in a loud whisper] Have some tact, Private! We already know that Havid fellow doesn't like her at all, remember?!

Austin : [To Harvey] Colonel, I don't think any of them like each other. [Has a look at some of the book's titles read the spines, glancing around for anything unusual]

Clint: Besides, not being liked by THAT freak is a high recommendation! Now how do we get down that hatch!

Prim : I do not know. [Addressing Austin] You are correct. There are seven residents in the town. However, no one goes in, and no one goes out. I do, as it happens, like the company of certain residents [with emphasis] at certain times.

Austin : [To Prim] And why does no one come in, or leave. Is there something that prevents access? DQpTZW50IGZyb20gbXkgQmxhY2tCZXJyea4gd2lyZWxlc3MgaGFuZGhlbGQgIA0KDQotLS0tLU9y aWdpbmFsIE1lc3NhZ2UtLS0tLQ0KRnJvbTogZGpvYkBzdGFmZm1haWwuZWQuYWMudWsNCkRhdGU6 IFdlZCwgMTEgQXByIDIwMDcgMTI6MjQ6MjIgDQpUbzpDb25vciBSeWFuIDxjb25vci5yQGdtYWls LmNvbT4NCkNjOlRvbSBIZW5kZXJzb24gPHRoZzhyZ3V5QHlhaG9vLmNvbT4sIEhlYXRoZXI8aGVh dGhlci5nb2dnYW5zQGdtYWlsLmNvbT4sICAgICAgIFNhbXVlbCA8dGhlZ2xhaXZlbWFzdGVyQGdt YWlsLmNvbT4sICAgICAgICJDb25vciBAVUxtYWlsIiA8Q29ub3IuUnlhbkB1bC5pZT4sICAgICAg ICJDb25vciBAIFB5cnJoYSIgPGNvbm9yQHB5cnJoYS5jc2lzLnVsLmllPg0KU3ViamVjdDogW3F2 XSAxMS4wNy4wNzYNCg0KTGFzdCBmcm9tIENvbm9yICM3NQ0KPg0KPiBQcmltIDogSSBkbyBub3Qg a25vdy4gW0FkZHJlc3NpbmcgQXVzdGluXSBZb3UgYXJlIGNvcnJlY3QuIFRoZXJlIGFyZQ0KPiBz ZXZlbiByZXNpZGVudHMgaW4gdGhlIHRvd24uIEhvd2V2ZXIsIG5vIG9uZSBnb2VzIGluLCBhbmQg bm8gb25lIGdvZXMNCj4gb3V0LiBJIGRvLCBhcyBpdCBoYXBwZW5zLCBsaWtlIHRoZSBjb21wYW55 IG9mIGNlcnRhaW4gcmVzaWRlbnRzIFt3aXRoDQo+IGVtcGhhc2lzXSBhdCBjZXJ0YWluIHRpbWVz Lg0KDQpBdXN0aW4gOiBbVG8gUHJpbV0gQW5kIHdoeSBkb2VzIG5vIG9uZSBjb21lIGluLCBvciBs ZWF2ZS4gSXMgdGhlcmUgIA0Kc29tZXRoaW5nIHRoYXQgcHJldmVudHMgYWNjZXNzPw0KDQoNCg0K DQpQcmltIDogTm8gb25lIGhhcyBldmVyIHdhbnRlZCB0byBsZWF2ZSBiZWZvcmUuIA0KDQpTZW50 IGZyb20gbXkgQmxhY2tCZXJyea4gd2lyZWxlc3MgaGFuZGhlbGQgIA0KDQotLS0tLU9yaWdpbmFs IE1lc3NhZ2UtLS0tLQ0KRnJvbTogZGpvYkBzdGFmZm1haWwuZWQuYWMudWsNCkRhdGU6IFdlZCwg MTEgQXByIDIwMDcgMTI6MjQ6MjIgDQpUbzpDb25vciBSeWFuIDxjb25vci5yQGdtYWlsLmNvbT4N CkNjOlRvbSBIZW5kZXJzb24gPHRoZzhyZ3V5QHlhaG9vLmNvbT4sIEhlYXRoZXI8aGVhdGhlci5n b2dnYW5zQGdtYWlsLmNvbT4sICAgICAgIFNhbXVlbCA8dGhlZ2xhaXZlbWFzdGVyQGdtYWlsLmNv bT4sICAgICAgICJDb25vciBAVUxtYWlsIiA8Q29ub3IuUnlhbkB1bC5pZT4sICAgICAgICJDb25v ciBAIFB5cnJoYSIgPGNvbm9yQHB5cnJoYS5jc2lzLnVsLmllPg0KU3ViamVjdDogW3F2XSAxMS4w Ny4wNzYNCg0KTGFzdCBmcm9tIENvbm9yICM3NQ0KPg0KPiBQcmltIDogSSBkbyBub3Qga25vdy4g W0FkZHJlc3NpbmcgQXVzdGluXSBZb3UgYXJlIGNvcnJlY3QuIFRoZXJlIGFyZQ0KPiBzZXZlbiBy ZXNpZGVudHMgaW4gdGhlIHRvd24uIEhvd2V2ZXIsIG5vIG9uZSBnb2VzIGluLCBhbmQgbm8gb25l IGdvZXMNCj4gb3V0LiBJIGRvLCBhcyBpdCBoYXBwZW5zLCBsaWtlIHRoZSBjb21wYW55IG9mIGNl cnRhaW4gcmVzaWRlbnRzIFt3aXRoDQo+IGVtcGhhc2lzXSBhdCBjZXJ0YWluIHRpbWVzLg0KDQpB dXN0aW4gOiBbVG8gUHJpbV0gQW5kIHdoeSBkb2VzIG5vIG9uZSBjb21lIGluLCBvciBsZWF2ZS4g SXMgdGhlcmUgIA0Kc29tZXRoaW5nIHRoYXQgcHJldmVudHMgYWNjZXNzPw0KDQoNCg0K

Austin : [Looks mildly suprised, checks his nails briefly. To Prim] But no one has wanted to come here either?

Prim : My mistake. People have come and gone before, but no one who lives here has ever wanted to leave.

Austin : [To Prim] And one more question, if I may be so bold. For how many years have you lived here?

Prim : [Surprised] We have always lived here - for hundreds of years.

Clint: [Latching on to the relevant point.] So those people who've left, how did they manage it? UHJpbSA6IFRoZXkganVzdCBjb21lIGFuZCBnbyBhcyB0aGV5IHBsZWFzZS4gSSBzdXBwb3NlIHlv dSBjYW4ndCBiZWNhdXNlIHlvdSdyZSB3ZWxsLCB5b3Uga25vdy4NCg0KDQoNClNlbnQgZnJvbSBt eSBCbGFja0JlcnJ5riB3aXJlbGVzcyBoYW5kaGVsZCAg

Clint: We're what? Famous? Important? Stuck here? UHJpbSA6IFt3aXRoIGRpc3Rhc3RlXSBIdW1hbi4gQXQgbGVhc3QsIHlvdSBhcHBlYXIgdG8gYmUu DQoNCg0KU2VudCBmcm9tIG15IEJsYWNrQmVycnmuIHdpcmVsZXNzIGhhbmRoZWxkICANCg0KLS0t LS1PcmlnaW5hbCBNZXNzYWdlLS0tLS0NCkZyb206IFRvbSBIZW5kZXJzb24gPHRoZzhyZ3V5QHlh aG9vLmNvbT4NCkRhdGU6IFdlZCwgMTEgQXByIDIwMDcgMDg6NDg6MTggDQpUbzpjb25vci5yQGdt YWlsLmNvbSwgRG9tIDxkam9iQHN0YWZmbWFpbC5lZC5hYy51az4NCkNjOkhlYXRoZXIgZW1haWwg PGhlYXRoZXIuZ29nZ2Fuc0BnbWFpbC5jb20+LCBTYW11ZWwgPHRoZWdsYWl2ZW1hc3RlckBnbWFp bC5jb20+LCAiQ29ub3IgQCBVTG1haWwiIDxDb25vci5SeWFuQHVsLmllPiwgIkNvbm9yIEAgUHly cmhhIiA8Y29ub3JAcHlycmhhLmNzaXMudWwuaWU+DQpTdWJqZWN0OiBbcXZdIDExLjA3LjA4NA0K DQpMYXN0IGZyb20gQ29ub3IgIzgzDQoNCj4gUHJpbSA6IFRoZXkganVzdCBjb21lIGFuZCBnbyBh cyB0aGV5IHBsZWFzZS4gSQ0KPiBzdXBwb3NlIHlvdSBjYW4ndCBiZWNhdXNlIHlvdSdyZSB3ZWxs LCB5b3Uga25vdy4NCg0KQ2xpbnQ6ICBXZSdyZSB3aGF0PyAgRmFtb3VzPyAgSW1wb3J0YW50PyAg U3R1Y2sgaGVyZT8NCg0KDQogICAgICBEb24ndCBiZSBmbGFrZXkuICBHZXQgWWFob28hIE1haWwg Zm9yIE1vYmlsZSBhbmQgYWx3YXlzIHN0YXkgY29ubmVjdGVkIHRvIGZyaWVuZHMuICAgIGh0dHA6 Ly9tb2JpbGUueWFob28uY29tL21haWwNCg==

Prim : I'm a figment of your imagination.

Alice : [Mutters to the others] Sheesh! You'd think he could have done better!

Austin : [Looks very dissapointed. To Alice] Me too. Much better. [To Prim] So this entire town and everyone in it is a figment of my imagination?

Prim : Not just yours.

Alice : You mean, all of us?

Prim : Not just all of you.

Austin : [To Prim] Who elses? Darius? Mr Boddy? Trindle? Dangsten?

Harvey: [After watching this long exchange in a sleepy haze, snaps to attention] Darius, Boddy, Trindle, and Dangsten?! Where?! Let me at the blackguards! [pulls out his sword and looks around, ready for action]

Prim : [Looks disapprovingly at Harvey] I don't know who any of those people are.

Alice : So, it's just the seven of you, right?

Prim : Correct.

Harvey: [Puts his sword away. To Prim] What can you tell us about the others, madam?

Prim : They are all elves. What else would they be?

Austin : [To Prim, patiently] Could you tell us their names please? I mean their real names, not just the figment of our imagination names?

Clint: [Skeptical] I don't know about this... You'd think that if we were imagining a librarian, at least she'd be a hot librarian! Although... [pondering] I suppose it explains that last freak - exactly what I'd expect the lawyer to imagine!

Austin : [To Clint] Are you refering to the rather well dressed gentleman, or the prostitute. If it is the latter then I'm quite sure that it more likely to be the kind of thing that you fantasize about.

Prim : [Looks disgusted] You people disgust me. [To Austin] Even if I could remember the name of every elf, I wouldn't tell you. Quite why they let you in here is beyond me. [Slams the door shut]

Austin : [Raises an eyebrow] Easily disgusted. I expect that there is quite alot in life that is beyond her. Sad really, these bookworm types. [Checks his hair in his pocket mirror briefly, smiling satisfactorily] Sooo, there is a glutton, a tart, a spinster, an alchoholic, a smugmeister and a music promoter. It's no wonder the spinster hides in her books all of the time. I suppose we had better visit the last resident.

Clint: And afterwards, we should figure out what the hell we're doing here in the first place? Did Olive just send us here to drive us insane?

Alice : But where are we? Prim said that this place is a figment of the elves' imagination - what could it be? normal on Monday

Austin : [To Alice] Perhaps this is how they see humans? Or How they see us? [Shrugs] Who know the machinations of the elf, they are clearly all psychotically disturbed.

Alice : So, these seven represent humans? Or do they represent something else?

Austin : [To Alice] The seven deadly elven sins? [Shrugs] Arrogance, Self absorbtion, greed, addiction, desperate for sex, [Pauses] Although none of these were sinful to anyone except old Chassers. Perhaps we should go an meet the other two denizens of this village.

Harvey: [To Alice] Fig mints, niece! But I'll be damned if I've seen one fig or one mint, so Phili only knows how they were made!

Alice : [Gives Harvey a quick look] Uh, maybe. [To Austin] What are the seven sins? Pride, lust, envy, um... sneezy, brainy, grumpy and sleepy?

Austin : [To Alice] Still out of practice! Lust, gluttony, greed, sloth, wrath, envy and pride. [Smirking] Never mind, you are still plenty young enough to practice them all to perfection.

Harvey: [To Austin] She'll do no such thing! My niece is as honest and pure as the breath of a one-legged newborn foal on Philimas!

Alice : [Proudly] Yes I am!

Austin : [To Alice] Aaaah, pride. You learn fast, but you may want to be more selective. [Smugly] I for one, would not take pride in being compared to horse breath. [Casually, to Harvey] Why don't we go and see the other two denizens of this town.

Bryam: [To Austin] Why not? It's a better compliment than you'd usually get

Clint: Just because the lawyer's more used to being compared to something that comes out the other end of a horse is no reason to get personal! To... err... the bank! [Heads in that direction]

Alice : [Looks Bryam up and down] While you, on the other hand, never get any compliments at all. [Pause] And that's not a compliment!

[Exit ALL towards the bank.]

[Book V, Act XI, Scene VIII. Outside the bank. ALICE, AUSTIN, BRYAM, CLINT and HARVEY are here, standing outside the bank, the door of which is slightly ajar.]

Alice : [Taking out her notebook] Right, if this seven deadly sins thing is right, we have Jake for gluttony, Cymon for envy, Havid for lust, Verbal for pride, I guess, Crussell for wrath, and that leaves sloth and greed, so which of those was Miss Prim?

Clint: A greedy sloth? [Thinking hard, so you can almost hear the gears turning] If there's someone at the bank, he'd just have to represent greed, wouldn't he?

Alice : [Glancing up at the "In Greed We Trust" sign above the door] Maybe. But Miss Prim was hardly a sloth, was she? If anything, she's the opposite of a sloth, I didn't think she like a sloth at all. [Time passes] What's a sloth?

Clint: I think it's a really lazy woman who sleeps around. Although that could be a sluth.

Austin : [To Alice] Slothfullness is the lack of desire to act or work in general or to do an act or work that is expected of a person. Someone who is very lazy. Ms. Prim could be very lazy. She can hardly ever have to do any work if no one ever visits the library. Further to that she said she was too busy to see us, but she clearly had nothing to do.

Alice : I thought that was a woman who slept around while trying to solve mysteries, like Sheerlovely Holme-Wrecker.

Alice : Hm. Maybe she really is busy? What are the seven virtues?

Austin : [Sighs] They are the opposites of the sins: Chastity, abstinence, generosity, diligence, patience, sympathy and modesty.

Alice : [Raises an eyebrow at Austin] Patience? I see. Well, she did seem more diligent than slothful, right? Oh, and [with disdain] chastity is a virtue?

Austin : [To Alice] Yes, but the whole concept is ridiculous. None of us would be here if we were all chaste.

Clint: Of course not! Chastity is a nun!

Alice : Phew!

[Pushes the door open, to reveal a woman inside the bank, sitting behind a desk. This is MANN SCOULTER.]

Mann : [Curtly] Yes?

Mann Scoulter

Austin : [To Mann] We would like to know how to open the trapdoor in the town center. Could you tell us how to do this please?

Mann : Yes, of course I can. That will be 1200 GP.

Harvey: [Astonished] How dare you, sir?! That's outrageous!

Mann : [Standing up, outraged] Sir?? What the hell are you talking about?

Harvey: Sir, 1200 GP is an outrageous cost for information, that's what I'm talking about!

Mann : [Leans in angrily to Harvey] I'm a woman!

Alice : Sure, but you weren't always a one, right?

Mann : Get the hell out of here!

Harvey: [To Alice] Perhaps this fellow's "wrath"?

Alice : [Waits a moment] Perhaps this fellow's wrath will what?

Austin : [To Harvey] Colonel, we could try setting fire to the trap door. It was wooden after all, was it not?

Harvey: But suppose there are civilians being held captive, Private? Wouldn't do to have them suffocate, what! If it's wooden, then let's try breaking through that damned door, troop! [To Mann] And a good day to you, sir! [heads for the trap door]

Mann : Get the hell out of here, you bastard!

Alice : Isn't the trap door metal?

Austin : [To Harvey] Of course, there is the case that this is just a dream, so we could force Ms Mann to tell us how to open the trap door. [Smirks] Or we could rob the bank and then we would have enough money to pay her.

Alice : Or we could ask Bryam's boyfriend to help us?

Austin : [To Alice] Do you think that he is likely to have a bangle grinder or an poxyacidelene torch?

Harvey: Well, if this is a dream, let's just say we have one of our own! [opens his hands dramatically and peers at them expectantly]

[Everyone dramatically moves to look at HARVEY's hands, and give an audible "Aw!" when they are empty.]

Alice : What a gyp. [To Austin] I don't know what those things are, but if they're some sort of sex toys, then probably. What I meant was that he was the only one we had a positive interaction with. Maybe he might want to help us?

Harvey: [To Alice] Excellent idea, my girl! Let's go talk to him.

[The party head back to HAVID's place, which looks the same as before. Enter HAVID, coming out through the door. He looks different from before, as not only is he wearing clothes, but looks a lot calmer and even a little bit older.]

Havid : Hi folks! [Gives the party a wave]

The New Havid Dasselhoff

Clint: [Surprised] What the hell happened to you?!

Havid : [Leaning nonchalantly back against the door frame] Nothing. What happened to you?

Clint: Oh, we went to talk to the other freaks in this shi... I mean, fine, lovely village. Anyway, that trapdoor in the middle of town - how do we open it? Or do you have 1200 GP we could borrow? I'm sure that he [nods a head in Byram's direction] and the lawyer could find a way to repay you.

Havid : Sorry, friend, but I don't have any cash. I'd be willing to help you open it, but you'll need to persuade some of the others to help too.

Austin : [To Clint and Havid] Mr Scar remains wholely and completely responsible for his own debts, regadless of any claim that he may make to the contrary. I'd

Clint: Like who? The guy in the bank? The fat slob in the chip shop? The homicidal maniac?!

Bryam: Well, Gluttony will help us if we convince him there's food involved. Greed will help for money, which we probably aren't willing to give up? Havid, you seem like you might help us. How many do we need? All seven?

Austin : [To the Party] It may well be that the other six residents of the town have 'reversed', so to speak, as Havid appears to have done, where, instead of sin there is virtue. The virtuous citizens will probably help us gladly, whereas the sinfully ones will require some form of compensation. [To Havid] If you don't mind me asking, would you describe yourself as chaste, or lustfull?

Havid : A little bit of both, I guess. Not too much of one, and not too much of the other. You know, nothing gets done when there's no balance. It's all about the balance. You probably don't need every one, but you'll definitely need Crussell, as he's the strongest.

Bryam: Well, I hope he's a little more [emphasis] patient now. And lets try not killing any spiders this time

Havid : Killing spiders? Did you kill the spider that's been bothering Mann?

Bryam: We killed a spider, which may or may not have been bothering the banker. Crussell got more than a little angry over it, and we didn't stay to find out more

Havid : Hm, curious, how Mann wants to get rid of a spider at precisely the same time Crussell wants one. [Shrugs] Oh well.

Harvey: [Snaps his fingers] That's it! We'll hide another spider in the bank to annoy that irritating bloke!

Alice : [Claps her hands happily] Great idea! He was really mean!

Austin : [To Harvey] Colonel, may we try to open the trap door with Crussel's assistance, before we do anything with or to, spiders?

Harvey: [Scratching a sideburn, pondering] Hmm, I see your point, Private, business before pleasure and all that. Why, if I didn't life by that motto myself, I'd be home with my dear bride this minute! Let's be off, troop!

Austin : [Sighs in relief]

Alice : Well, considering that Crussell attacked us the last time we saw him, maybe we should try and figure out some way to make him more likely to deal with us. Maybe Bryam could kiss him?

Austin : [To Alice] Maybe he wont remember the last time he met us, after all, Havid has changed dramatically since the last time we saw him.

Alice : Good idea, Oz. [The party head over towards the jail and cantina, the doors of both of which are closed]

Harvey: Perhaps we should try the library?

Alice : Well, Crussell didn't seem like much of a reader to me. That lady in the library didn't seem to like us much either - maybe we need some sort of peace offering?

Austin : [To Alice] Excellent thinking. Ms Prim said that she was very busy, perhaps if we all offered to help her sort out her books, or whatever, she would be more obliging.

Harvey: [To Alice] Perhaps you could give her some advice on how to better present herself so she could find a good man to take care of her? [Ponders, scratching a sideburn] There must be some lonely elderly man who wouldn't find her entirely awful, if he was widowed and house-bound.

Austin : [Smirking. To Alice] And what was Dave the spider thinking?

Clint: Yeah, do you think we could just give what's left of Dave to the guy at the library and the spider in the bank to Crussell?

Alice : [To Austin] He had a pretty low opinion of you. [To Clint] Sounds good, but why would the [emphasis] woman at the library want a dead spider?

Clint: She can use it as a bookend or something?

Alice : Uh, okay. [To the party] Let's go to the bank.

[The party makes there way to the bank and push the door open to see MANN SCOULTER in there, scowling at the party. She looks the same as before.]

Mann : What the hell are you people doing here?

Clint: [Cheerfully, cigar in hand.] We're just here for the spider, pal. Scoot!

Mann : [Clearly not happy with Clint's tone] Well, okay. I think it's over there. [Points to another room full of what appears to be highly fragile and expensive looking vases] Please be careful.

Austin : [Peruses the vases] This could be interesting. [To Clint] It's all your's, spider hunter.

Mann : [As Clint staggers in, with a jar in hand] It's a vicious brute of a spider.

Alice : Oh come on, how vicious could it be?

Mann : Just wait until you hear it bark!

Austin : [Looks concerned] Perhaps we should try to lure it out with a steak or something?

Harvey: [Stomach rumbles alarmingly] No vermin is getting steak on my watch, Private!

Austin : [To Harvey] But it is for the greater good, colonel.

Harvey: [Sighs mournfully] Very well, let's find something delicious to lure this beast!

Alice : I don't think that he'll want your watch, Uncle Harvey. Hey, why don't you try magically making a piece of steak appear? This is supposed to be a [waves her hands in front of her mysteriously] dream type thing, isn't it?

Harvey: It didn't work when I tried it, niece, but maybe magic favors the pretty!

Alice : Sure thing - I'll be just like David Copafeel, except with a personality. [Dramatically waves her hands in front of the party, to no effect] Aw!

Mann : [Coughs to get the party's attention] I have a steak. [Points to an enormous, mouth watering steak on her desk]

Alice : Wow! Did I do that?

Austin : [Does a spooky magic hands gesture] Magic! This is some kind of dream, remember!

Clint: We could always just lure it with fried greasy "fish." And then we could eat the steak!

[Enter the SPIDER. It has the body of a dog but with extra legs, and is snarling ferociously at the party.]

Alice : Here puppy puppy!

[The SPIDER covers ALICE in cobweb.]

The scary spider

Clint: Hey! That freaking thing's even uglier than Dave! [Looks from the vase in his hand, to the spider, back to the vase, and then to Harvey.]

Bryam: [Pulls out a knife, and sets to work freeing Alice of webs. To Clint] So, what're you gonna do about it?

Clint: [Looks from the vase in his hand, to the spider, back to the vase, and then to Harvey.] Hit the spider with the vase, do you think?

Bryam: Well, as long as you're still holding it, I'm not going to argue

Austin : [Gets his sling shot out] I though we were going to take this to Crussel? [Looks at Clint] Alive? [Ponders] Do you think it will fit in that vase?

Clint: Of course we're going to take it to Crussell alive! But look at the size of that thing!

Spider : Hey! I am in the room, you know!

Clint: What the hell?! Did anyone else hear that?! [Digs at his ear with a finger, removing a disturbing amount of waxy buildup, before turning to Austin, suspicious.] This isn't you just playing some kind of trick, is it?

Harvey: [Astonished] Hello there, Dog-Spider! Er, how'd you like a new home with someone who'd appreciate your company, rather than this irritable chappie with all of the fussy vases?

Mann : [To Harvey] Hey!

Alice : [Holds out a jar which is clearly far to small for him to fit into] There's even a cool jar in it for you!

Spider : [Looks Mann up and down, with some disdain] Well, he is pretty annoying.

Austin : [Smiles, bringing his hands together] Excellent, it seems that the new arrangements will suit all. [To Spider] May I enquire as to your nom de plume? [Glances at the others] I am Austin Sleaze, and these good people are the Colonel, Alice, Clint and Bryam.

Harvey: [To the spider] Eh, what's that? I didn't catch your name, good, er, man?

Spider : I don't have a name, i'm just a figment of your imaginations.

Austin : [To Spider] Do you know how to open the trap door in the town center, or how we can escape from this dream?

Spider : [Shrugs all his shoulders] Nope. You escape the dream by doing whatever you came into the Interior for.

Clint: Yeah, but how can we do that if we're stuck in the dream? Anyway, c'mon Dave. Let's get you out of here.

Clint: Yeah, but how can we do that if we're stuck in the dream? Anyway, c'mon Dave. Let's get you out of here.

Dave : [Shrugs all his shoulders] I guess it depends on why you came here in the first place. be in GMT-6 for the

Austin : [To Dave] We didn't come here voluntarily, we were sent here. [Checks his nails casually] Probably by some one who was trying to save us from our foes.

Dave : Unlikely. [Scuttles into the jar, which barely fits him] What I meant is why were you in the Interior.

Austin : [To Dave, matter of factly] To Return the wand to the elves who loaned it back to us, after the Shorts sold it to them.

Alice : [Nods] And to finally get them to help us.

Spider : Then that's what you need to do here.

Alice : Get them to help us get out of here will help us get out of here?

Spider : Exactly!

Austin : [Smiling] Jolly good, that's what we were going to do. Let us go and visit that Crussel chap once more, and ask for his help.

Harvey : Well said that man!

[The party head back to CRUSSELL's jail, only to have an arrow fired at them from the window. It strikes BRYAM, knocking him to the ground.]

Alice : What the? [Points at the jail] I think he's seen us.

Austin : [Ducks behind Clint. Shouting towards the jail] Cease fire! We come in peace! [Pauses] We have a new spider called Dave for you! [To The party] Perhaps if we release Dave, Crussel will believe us?

Harvey: [To Austin, shielding Alice] Private, in my experience, men who shoot first tend to ask questions later, what!

Alice : But he's already shot! Maybe he's ready to ask a question now. Let me check. [Peeks out] Hey, Mr. Crazy Man, are you ready to talk? [Pops down again, with an arrow in her hat] I don't think he's done shooting yet.

Dave : [To Austin] You must be out of your mind if you think I'm just going to walk up there!

Clint: [Holds the jar with Dave sitting in it up for Crussel to see.] Look at the cute spider, man! You wouldn't harm a harmless arachnid, would you?! [Matter-of-factly, to the group] Maybe we should send someone else in to talk to him. That guy back at the bank, maybe?

Crussell : Well, you harmed a harmless arachnid! [Pauses for a moment] Okay, bring him over.

Clint: Yeah, err... sorry about that! [Slowly sticks his head around the corner, waiting to see if he's going to be shot, before grabbing the jar with Dave inside and moving carefully towards Crussell.] See Dave? He's not completely unreasonable - he just really really likes spiders!

Spider : Well, let's take a look.

[Everyone tentatively pops their head around the corner to see that CRUSSELL now looks quite different. He looks much calmer, has a nice hairstyle and is wearing a nice suit.]

Crussell : Fair enough. [Puts down is bow]

Crussell Rowe, version 2

Clint: What the hell? [Surprised, looks at Dave] Is everybody in this blasted town going to change when we do something to satisfy them, Dave? What's gonna happen to you? [Shrugs and hands the jar to Crussell.] Here you are. One talking spider, named Dave, as promised.

Spider : Hey! I told you, my name isn't Dave! I don't have a name!

Crussell : [To Clint] Sheesh! He's got a bit of a temper. How about we give you a name?

Spider : Sure. That sounds good.

Crussell : How about Dave?

Spider : I like it!

Austin : [Smiles] Bonding already! Fabulous [Claps his hands together] Right, what's next? [To Crussel] Perhaps you could help us open the trap door a little later, if you'd be so kind?

Crussell : Sure! No problem!

Alice : Okay, where next?

Harvey: [Ponders] Well, who haven't we delighted yet? That dour fellow at the bank is happy, this chap is happy with his grand pet, hmm! How about giving that spinster at the library a makeover, niece?!

Alice : Sorry, Unc, [holds up an enormous vanity case] I only have my travel make up with me, that probably won't be enough to do her. Maybe we should talk to that guy at the bank? He might be in better form because we took the spider away?

Harvey: [Beams] Good thinking, niece!

[The party head back to the bank and wander in. MANN SCOULTER is here, looking quite different. Now she looks much friendlier and more feminine.]

Mann : [Smiles at the party] Hello!

Mann Scoulter, version 2

Mann : [Gives Harvey a big smile] Why, that would be me! Of course [gives a little laugh] I'm not a fellow!

Harvey: [Smiles broadly] No, ma'am, you're certainly not! [To Alice] I guess in [big emphasis] this version, the bank person is a woman!

Alice : Yeah, I wonder why there is such a big change for this one.

Austin : [To Mann] Excuse me, madam. My friends and I are seeking away to open the hatch. Could you possibly be of any assistance?

Mann : Certainly. I'd be happy to help.

Clint: [Still surprised] You people go in for really freaking big changes around here! [To Mann] Got any gossip about the others? Salt for the slob in the chip shop? Something?

Mann : Hm, not really. We don't ever really do anything as a group, you know. Really, it's rare enough that there's even a majority that agree on something.

Bryam: [Sounding surprised} You people actually talk to one another? Wow Anyway, I'm back now :D

Mann : Oh, God no.

Alice : Uh, so how does anything ever actually get done here?

Mann : Very slowly!

Clint: [Looks around at the party.] Yeah, I know the feeling. [To Harvey] Whadaya think, Harv? Get a bit more help, or get that hatch open now?

Austin : It appears that those who seem inclined to help us are this lovely lady here, Crussell from the prison and Havid from the building with the red lights. That leaves the librarian, the glutton, the rather arrogant chap with the nice suit and the very, very irritating man in the small house. Perhaps we need to speak to one of them.

Clint: Let's try the librarian! She might turn into something nice. Maybe we could get her a book or something like that.

Harvey: [Ponders] Well, we haven't any food [stomach rumbles], so perhaps we should see the librarian or the suity chap next. [To Austin, gesturing vaguely] Perhaps you could give him some fussy business to help keep his shirts stiff or what have you?

Bryam: [With a sound of disgust] Not that guy. If there's anything I can't stand, it's people who are arrogant. [Thinks for a moment] And who aren't me

Clint: Aha! We'll get a shirt from the prissy lawyer-like guy, and give it to the fat slob, thus increasing his self-esteem and getting him to help us! Maybe he can jump on the hatch to break it open or something.

Austin : [With disgust] No quality of shirt would give such a slob any sense of self esteem that he can't find at the bottom of a ketchup bottle.

Alice : Okay, if the other four are Gluttony, Pride, Sloth and Envy, what would we have to do to change them? And anyway, it's not sloth, it's the opposite of sloth, like slittle, or whatever.

Harvey: [To Alice] Well, let's just ask them! I'm a man of action, not time-wasting puzzles, what! To the library! [starts marching to the library]

[Exit ALL, but MANN, heading towards the library.]

Mann : [Once the party are out of sight] What nice people. [Starts taking off her clothes] I do hope I'll see them again. [Now naked, heads to the vault and opens it, inhaling the sweet scent of cold hard cash] Ah! [Throws herself onto the money and rolls around in it] [Book V, Act XI, Scene VIII. The Library. ALICE, AUSTIN, BYRAM, CLINT and HARVEY are here, having just arrived. MISS PRIM is inside, looking as unpleasant as ever.]

Prim : Yes?

Harvey: [Gallantly] Hello, Madame! How is this for a refreshing change--what can [huge emphasis] we do for [even huger emphasis] you?

Clint: Yeah, this is a once-in-a-lifetime offer!

Prim : [Looks disapprovingly at Harvey and Clint] You've already done quite enough.

Bryam: We've never done enough. Surely there's something we can help you with. You seem so [emphasis] busy

Harvey: Well said, recruit! [To Prim] What may we assist you with, Madame? Do you need someone to open a jar for you? Or change a tire? Or perhaps you would like help finding [delicately] companionship? Even at your age, there's bound to be someone lonely and desperate out there, just for you!

Prim : [Narrows her eyes] I am quite sure that you've done enough. [Looks at a page on her desk] You removed a bothersome spider from the bank, you replaced Crussell's pet and you sated Havid's desires, at least temporarily.

Clint: [Glances at Byram and shudders a bit.] Yeah, that's true. But helping everyone is our job, dammit. You wouldn't want to keep us from doing our job, would you?

Prim : [Coldly] Not as much as I want to help you.

Harvey: [To Prim] Well, that's easy! Help away, madame! What can you do for us?

[Without a word, PRIM gets up and walks out, heading towards the hatch.]

Harvey: [Surprised, following Prim] Let's go, troop!

Clint: [Also surprised, he whispers to the colonel.] You think she's going to give it the librarian glare of death or something, Harv?

Harvey: [Loud whisper] It could work!

Bryam: Do you think the others will be there yet? Just a thought. It might be a good idea to go and collect them

Alice : Look! They're already coming!

[She's right. HAVID, CRUSSELL and MANN are heading towards the hatch, while CEVIN, JAKE and CYMON are standing at their respective houses, watching.]

Harvey: [To Bryam, observing Cevin, Jake, and Cymon] Looks like you might be right, Private! Well, there's nothing for it now but to try, right?

[PRIM, HAVID, CRUSSELL and MANN grab hold of the hatch and easily lift it open, and hold it in place.]

Havid : Off you go. Mm-mm. I'm looking forward to watching you all from behind.

Harvey: [Peers down into the hatch. To Havid, with a brisk salute] Thank you for watching our backs, soldier! [starts down the hatch]

Clint: You'll especially want to keep an eye on the lawyer - he swishes! [Follows Harv down the hatch.]

Austin : Clearly, Mr. Scar, you have spent much time studying me from behind.

[ALICE, AUSTIN and BRYAM follow down through the hatch too, where it is very, very dark, even more so after the hatch is closed behind them. The party are on some sort of steep stairway leading down.]

Alice : Hm, does anyone have a match?

Austin : [Passes Alice a lighter] You may use my lighter.

Alice : Thanks. [Feels around for a few moments]

Clint : Ow! Hey!

Alice : Now, anyone got a cheeseratte?

Harvey: [To Alice, in a loud whisper] Pass that lighter up to me, niece. I'll lead us to safety!

Alice : But I can't see you!

Harvey: [Feels around and squeezes the first soft, feminine hand he finds] Here I am, dear girl!

Alice : Where? Touch my hand. [Holds up her hand]

Clint : Ow! You just poked me in the eye!

Austin : Colonel, whilst I admire your past achievements and brilliant kung-fu, I am not that way inclined, despite Mr Scar's wishful thinking. [Sighs] Perhaps, if you still feel the need to hold someone's hand, you could hold Alice's hand.

Harvey : Gah! My apologies, Private Scar. If only we had some sort of machine for making light. Then I could see Alice.

Alice : I have a lighter. Here.

[HARVEY gets the lighter and flicks it on, showing that the party are indeed on a stairwell descending into darkness.]

Harvey : Ah! Alice! There you are!

Clint: [Busily rubbing his eye, pulls out a match and lights a cigar.] Next time, light the lighter before passing it around, Bimbo!

Alice : [Looks at Clint, horrified] Ew! Did - did you just pull a match out of your eye?

Clint: [Just a wee bit sarcastically.] Yeah, of course I did!

Alice : You disgust me.

[The party continue down the stairs, with HARVEY and CLINT leading, followed by ALICE and AUSTIN, and finally BRYAM at the back.]

Harvey : I say! These stairs appear to be getting sticky!

Clint: Maybe that freak Havid has been down here before. [Shudders, and looks done to see what is causing said stickiness.]

[Everyone bends over to take a look using the light from the cigar and lighter. It appears as though the material the steps are made out of has become soft and somewhat sticky. Everyone leans back out.]

Alice : [Not noticing that her hair is on fire] Great. Can things get any worse?

Bryam: Yes, a lot worse. Oh by the way, your hair's on fire

Austin : [Frantically patting out the fire on Alice's hair] Those extensions really burn quickly!

Harvey: [Gasps, rips off his jacket and attempts to wrap Alice's head in it and smother the fire] Hang on, niece!

Austin : [In the darkness again] Perhaps we could be a little more careful with the lighter, this time, that was a Vital Babboon designer hair style that just went up in smoke.

[The hair fire is put out, leaving ALICE with little more than a fuzz on her head.]

Alice : Oh no! Damn that flammable hairspray!

Clint: Hey, look on the bright side, Bimbo - things could [with emphasis] still get worse! I mean, it could have been someone's trousers instead!

Austin : Mr Scar, your trousers could never be even vaguely as important as Alice's head, and I thank you not to make such a ridiculous comparison again. Last frin Dom #43

Clint: Well, I know you wouldn't mind if had no trousers - hell, you'd probably be girlishly ecstatic! - but....

Alice : Please! Can we just stop talking about your trousers? Let's get the hell out of here and find a good hairdressers immediately!

Austin : [To Alice] This is just a dream, so hopefully, when we escape, your style will return. [Looks down the stairs] Hopefully.

Clint: Well, let's get the hell outta here, then! [Nudges Harvey and starts down the stairs again.]

Alice : Huh, that's right, well done, Aussie! [Follows Clint down, sinking deeper into the gooey mess that the stairs are becoming with each step] Come on, everyone!

Harvey: [To Alice, cheerily] Don't fret, my girl, you're still the prettiest pretty princess! [To the party] Right, let's move! [heads down the stairs

[The party continue further down, and are soon knee deep in the stairs.]

Alice : Uh, I hope we don't need to go back up in a hurry. --- F \ No newline at end of file

Austin : [To Alice, grimacing at the stair goo] I hope I don't meet anyone I know!

Harvey: [To Austin] You'd better hope that if we do meet someone you know, they can still see your head, alive and breathing and sticking up out of these infernal stairs! [Laments] I can't think of a worse death for a soldier than death by gooey stairs! What the blazes would the tombstone say?!

Austin : [To harvey] 'Died valliantly at the bottom of a really sticky, yucky trench'?

Harvey: [Sighs] But I was hoping for, 'He died with his boots on!'

Austin : [Ponders] Perhaps we could personalise that a little bit, for example, 'He died with his Chuckso-Fubosi designer Dodo skin evening shoes, in midnight blue, on.'?

Alice : [Shocked] Wow! Nice boots, Harvey!

[The pace has slowed down to a crawl now, and the party are hardly moving. The ceiling starts to drip onto them too. This speeds up and soon the light is extinguished. It is now pitch dark, and soon everyone has slipped and fallen into the mess.]

[Book V, Act XI, Scene X. A nice room. ALICE, AUSTIN, BRYAM, CLINT and HARVEY are here, just starting to wake up. Also here is SIEGFRIED WEAVING, TRISTRAM PLATH and HELEN BACK. The party are dressed as they were when OLIVE attacked them and ALICE's hair is back to normal.]

Helen : [To Siegfried] They are waking up - will they try to have sex with us? ### Siegfried is the leader of the elves and, although he barely tolerates humans, ### has always been fair to the party. It was never clear what roles Tristram ### and Helen played, but they are alternatively afraid, curious about and ### disgusted by humans

Austin : [Wakes up, looks around. To Helen] I'm sure Mr Scar will oblige, if you are that desperate. You should really try to expand your horizons a little, I'm sure it's not healthy to be so obsessed with sex all the time. [Smiles in a friendly way. Gets out his pocket mirror and fluff remover and cleans his suit, frowning]

Alice : [Stretching as she wakes, before checking her hair] Yay!

Siegfried : [With a sour expression] Congratulations. You are the first non-elves to survive a psionic blast. Olive tried to melt your brains.

Alice : Huh, little did she know we don't have any to melt! [Thinks for a moment] Uh, that is...

Austin : [Finishes fixing his suit and hair, smirks at Alice. To Siegfried] And what has happened to Olive?

Siegfried : She has been... reconstituted.

Austin : [Looks disgusted] EEwww! Reconstituted into what? Olive paste?

Harvey: [Laughs uproariously and snorts] Olive paste! [stomach rumbles dangerously]

Bryam: So, what happens when an elf gets hit. The same as that, or just pain?

Seigfried : [Looks at Bryam with a pained expression] I have no idea what you are talking about. However, I currently feel pain from listening to your poorly formed questions. [To Austin] Back into her Nascency Fluid. We are about to add it to our own along with a certain impurity that will prevent her from ever returning.

Austin : [To Seigfried, concernd] I hope that the impurity does not harm your own nascency fluid in any way! [Straightens a cuff, then looks around] So, what now? Has anyone seen the wand?

Harvey: [To Seigfried] Er, well done! I don't like to speak ill of a woman, but she was most unpleasant!

Clint: [Just waking up] Well, I sure as hell don't mind speaking ill! Great job!

Austin : [Looks anoyed] Can we have some focus here please! [Looks around] Does anyone know what happened to the wand?

Siegfried : I have the wand. But first, there is the matter of the impurity, as you are somewhat... involved.

Austin : You have the wand! Excellent, aaah but [Turns slowly to Siegfried] Are you suggesting that I am somewhat ... impure? [Looks at himself in disbelief, then back to Siegfried, for an explanation]

Siegfried : Of course not. [Looks around the party] I am suggesting that you are all impure.

Austin : [Smiles briefly, then agast] What! In what way are we [notices the buldge on his shoulder] Ooh. I see. [Straightens his jacket a little] So you would like us to add our 'impurities' to Olive's nascency fluid, in some manner. [Sighs] Would you be so good as to give us a more explicit description of how this is to be achieved?

Seigfried : [Holds up a large flask] We have already extracted it, while you were asleep.

Alice : [Rubbing her backside] How?

Seigfried : Let's not dwell on that.

Clint: Damn! And I was looking forward to peeing in the deep end of the pool, too! all

Alice : Too? You mean, as well as the shallow end?

Seigfried : Speaking of shallow, your nascency fluid will be added to the that of the Euphoric Elves.

Harvey: [To Seigfried] Now wait just a minute, chappie! Mightn't we need our fluid ourselves?!

Seigfried : No.

Clint: Why not? ____________________________________________________________________________________

Austin : [To Seigfried, a little disconcerted] Why won't we be needing our nascency fluid?

[HELEN and TRISTRAM titter in a very, very annoying fashion.]

Seigfried : [Glares at the two before turning back to the party] You misunderstand. By joining your impure, second rate and, let's face it, virtually useless nascency fluid with ours, you [emphasis] will be able to use it. If you die in the Interior, you will return here.

Austin : [To Seigfried] If our nascency fluid is so "impure, second rate and, let's face it, virtually useless", why would you want to join it with yours?

Harvey: [Indignant] No one has a claim on my fluid but my dearest bride!

Austin : [To Harvey] Indeed Colonel. Our nascency fluid may be fresh, vital, pure and untainted, [Pauses] remember those elves with the tainted nascency fluid, the ones that looked like zombies. Perhaps our nascency fluid will help purify the elves old, worn and tainted fluid? [To Seigfried] How do we know that that is nt the case?

Seigfried : We do not look upon this as purifying our fluid, rather of changing ours. It is necessary if we are to join you in your battle on the surface.

Clint: So in order to save the world, we have to make some sort of heroic sacrifice?

Austin : [To Clint] It is the only way to defeat the bad guys. And bad girls [Looks a little dreamy, then snaps back] Unfortunately.

Clint: Yeah. So let's get on with it and stop complaining!

Harvey: [To the party] Well, then, are we all agreed?

Alice : So, we get immortality in the Interior? What do the elves get?

[Enter EVAN "'v'n'" STARGLOW, who has been standing back in the shadows. He is holding a dagger to his own throat.]

'v'n : T'p, r'll 'll m'self.

[Everyone looks at him blankly for a moment.]

find his father in

'v'n

Harvey: [To Evan] What the blazes are you talking about, Private?! You're Private Starglow, not Tipperrell, what! 'v'n : St'p!

Bryam: Ah, if you'll allow me, I might be able to translate. I believe what he said was [thinks for a moment]...errmm...okay, maybe I can't

Clint: [Disbelievingly] You know this freak, Harv? He's got a knife to his own throat!

Austin : [To Clint] Yes Mr Scar, we have encountered this fellow before. His name is Evan. Apparently he wants to kill himself, but appears to be trying to stop himself from doing so, at the same time. How contrary! 'v'n : [For once speaking clearly] I said stop or I'll kill the half elf.

Harvey: [To Evan] Now, why would you want to kill yourself, Private?

Evan : [Rolls his eyes] I don't.

Clint: Hey, if one of your parents were an elf, you'd want to kill yourself too! [Glances around at the various elves in the room] No offense.

Bryam: [To Evan] I think the big man has a point

[All the elves nod in agreement at CLINT's words, before suddenly realising just how outrageous this is.]

Elves : Hey!

Evan : [To Bryam] And you should know, mongrel!

Harvey: [To Evan] Mind your tongue, Starglow! This recruit is traveling with us now, and we'll not tolerate any name-calling from a knife-wielding ninny!

Bryam: [To Evan] Are you trying to insinuate that my parents were elves? Outrageous!

Clint: Off hand, it looks like that's exactly what the knife-wielding ninny is saying! 'v'n : 's right, at least one of them was.

[Everyone except ALICE gives a gasp.]

Alice : [Whispering to Harvey] Was what?

Harvey: [Loud whisper back to Alice] Something about a someone being a ninny? And I quite agree, I must say!

Bryam: [Losing confidence] I suggest you question the source of your facts. Neither of my parents are, or ever were, elves

Seigfried : Ah, that explains it.

Bryam: Explains what? The fact I'm not an elf?

Seigfried : No. It explains why the psionic attack by Olive didn't melt your tiny human brains.

Austin : [To Seigfried] You mean it only works against elves ? [Laughs] Pathetic!

Harvey: [To Austin] Too right, Sleaze! [To Seigfried] Now, what's all this preoccupation with this private's [points to Bryam] parentage? We don't care about all that in this troop. We judge a man by his action's and words, and this private [pauses and considers Bryam for a moment] hasn't been entirely awful, so far!

Seigfried : [Narrows his eyes at Austin] No, it only works against non-Elves.

Clint: What?! Are you trying to say you think we're *all* elves? [Quietly, to the party] Is he trying to be funny? Last form Tom #57

Alice : [Whispers back to Clint] Well, he is wearing that funny false nose.

Seigfried : [Sighs] No, just that one of you is. At least partially.

Harvey: [Insulted] How dare you, sir! None of us are the least bit elfin!

Seigfried : [Outraged] How dare you "how dare you" me, sir? I am trying to give one of your group a compliment, I am trying to single out the one responsible for you still being a live. 'v'n : Hey! Guy with a knife threatening to kill someone here!

Bryam: [Stays silent]

Alice : [Excitedly to Clint] Who do you think it is? I hope it's not me!

Helen : [To Alice] Honey, we all hope it's not you.

Seigfried : [Dramatically turns and points at Bryam] It is he!

Clint: [Ignoring 'v'n] Well, that explains a hell of a lot! [Turns to the party.] Remember how he satisfied Havid for us? Should've known right then!

Bryam: [Stepping forward, with a shrug] Well, there's no point denying it any longer. [Bryam removes his headband to reveal pointed ears] I am of elvish descent. Slightly

Harvey: [To Bryam] What the blazes is this about, Private? Are you a secret semi-elf?!

[All the elves in the room give a gasp.]

Alice : [Confused] Are we supposed to care? Be concerned?

[Enter VERBIAGE, stepping forwards.]

Verbiage : Forsooth, vile and strangely pungent female, it is not for you to be concerned for you and your kind are incapable of the abstract thought that would illuminate the ramifications of a non-elf being immune to the psionic attack.

Clint: [Brow wrinkled, to the party.] Did that freak just try to insult us? Or did I just not understand that Soctor Deuss babble?

Alice : I didn't even know he was talking to us!

Seigfried : He is concerned that us elves will lose the power to read each others' minds once we contaminate our Nascency Fluid. 'v'n : 'sright. P't 't down.

Bryam: [Re-tying his headband] Sounds like a good idea to me then. When shall we get contaminating?

Verbiage : Cleanse the impurities! [Draws his dagger and stabs Seigfried, causing him to drop the flask of Nascency Fluid on floor. Fortunately, it is so viscous that it hasn't spilled out]

Bryam: You see, that's one of the things I hate about elves. So violent [Starts moving to the back of the party]

Clint: Yeah, but we want this elf to live long enough to be violent on our side! [Moves forward to stop Verbiage and protect the bottle of fluid.] [Suddenly elves all around the party draw their swords, and there is much confusion as some adopt positions defending them while others are clearly trying to attack them.]

Seigfried : You traitors!

Verbiage : You traitor! 'v'n : t't'rs! [The battle commences.] Monday, so

Austin : [Swiftly tries to save the nascency fluid and get to safety behind Clint] Elven kind seem hell bent on killing each other before the horsemen even get here!

[ALICE joins with CLINT in hacking a short path through the elven undergrowth, while BRYAM stabs a random elf in the back.]

Elf : [To Bryam] Ow! What the hell did you do that for? I'm one of the good guys!

Harvey: [Lunges for the fluid] How dare you abuse our fluids, villain!

Clint: [Struggles to get back to help Siegfried.] Ha! Get the stuff, lawyer! I'm sure you can hold your own against those four!

Alice : [Points out the bottle through a forest of elf legs] There it is!

[VERBIAGE kicks the flask towards the four elves sitting in the corner while the fighting continues. None of the party are directly involved but are receiving occasional blows and slashes.]

Clint: Hey! Come back with my fluid! [Tries to create a small opening in the crowd so that Austin or someone can get to the flask more easily.]

Clint: Not by my book you aren't, you weirdo! [Tries to keep 'v'n from getting to Seigfried.]

Austin : [Ducking and diving behind Clint for cover, as much as he can] Simple and practical as ever, Mr Scar. Keep up the good work! [Ducks in behind Clint again.

Clint: Because the good guys aren't trying to turn our minds to mush?

Austin : [Tries to get the nascency fluid again. To 'v'n] Watch out! You fool!

Bryam: [Stabs the elf again] That'll teach you for being an elf! [Desperately looks for a way out of the fight]

Bryam: [Looking around himself] Fine! [Draws a previously hidden knife, and moves to stab the nearest elf that isn't paying attention to him]

Elf : Oh, in that case, I'm with the bad guys!

[AUSTIN breaks away from the melee and is now approaching the four who are sitting at a table, drinking tea and watching the action.]

Seigfried : [Turning angrily to 'v'n] What? Who the hell are you? What are you saying? 'v'n : [Taking a step closer to Seigfried, unwittingly kicking the flask away from Austin just as he does so, sending it across the room] 'm sp'k'n 'ngl'sh! let everyone

Harvey: [To Bryam's elf] How are we to know?!

Harvey: [Searching for the fluid] Where the blazes is it?!

[The fight continues with no clear way to get out, although AUSTIN is clear, and ALICE and HARVEY can follow him. One of the for elves turns to him and pulls down their hood. It is OLIVE.]

Olive : Ah. Something I can help you with?

Harvey: Gah! Weren't you turned into paste?! [Chuckle] Olive paste!

Austin : [Calmly, to Olive] No thank you, your assistance is not required.

Olive : That's what they thought. [To Austin] I have someone here who would like to talk to you.

[Another of the four elves pulls down his hood. It is ALTHO KINDLIER, who tried to betray the party back Book III, Act IX. When he failed, they left him (on the advice of BODDY) in the care of BALKLINE GROOT, a demon who promised to torture him forever.]

Altho : You bastards. You're going to die a thousand times!

Altho

Balkline Groot

Harvey: [To Altho, stepping in front of Alice to protect her] Ha! Once is all it takes!

Altho : [Sneering] I'll have to catch you first! [Momentarily looks puzzled] Hey! Shut the hell up!

[OLIVE and ALTHO take up positions between the fluid and the party, while each of ALICE, AUSTIN, CLINT and HARVEY are between the larger group of elves and this smaller one. BRYAM is still in the thick of things, up beside the large container of Nascency Fluid.]

Olive : Four on four. Our superior intellect and more graceful physical characteristics will vastly overpower you filthy, overweight and pungent halfwits.

Updated map

Austin : [To Olive, condescendingly] After all, your superior intellect has helped you so much in our previous meetings. [Backs off behind Harvey. To Altho] Come to beg us to kill you again?

Bryam: [Starts circling towards Tristram and Helen, his back to the fluid] I didn't know that I could hate elves any more than I already did

Harvey: [To Olive] Surrender the fluid! [Charges for the fluid]

Austin : [Goes pale, and follows tucked in behind Harvey, intending to get the fluid. Slips off Maplin's glove] Oooh shit!

[ALICE, HARVEY and CLINT lock arms, as do ALTHO and the other two elves, and the six engage each other in rugby* style, with AUSTIN behind the party and OLIVE behind the elves, holding the fluid.]

'v'n : [To Bryam] Yu c'ward! B'pleased y'r 'n 'lf! [Jabs his dagger at Bryam, tearing his shirt collar but not causing any damage] ### rugby == American football

Updated Map

Austin : [Looking for an opportunity to stab Olive with Maplin's finger and grab the fluid] What are we waiting for?

Clint: [Tries to push Altho off to one side to make room for Austin.] An invitation?

Alice : We're waiting for you, Austin!

[The party shove the elves back towards OLIVE. If AUSTIN is to stab her he either needs to go over the party (possible, because they are bent over) or around them (possible, but not as cool).]

Bryam: [Turning towards 'v'n] Not only an elf but a speech impediment as well! [Stabs towards 'v'n] Die, scum!

Clint: [To no one in particular, while still jockeying with his opponent.] At least he's enthusiastic!

Austin : [Sighs] I never did like heroism, too painfull. [Takes a deep breath and tries to dive over the scrum and stab Olive (with Maplin's finger), and get the nascency fluid]

[AUSTIN somehow manages to step on each of ALICE, CLINT and HARVEY as he climbs over.

Olive : You idiot neanderthals, you cannot defeat us!

[AUSTIN propels himself over and stabs OLIVE.]

Olive : You cannot - [notices she's been stabbed] oh. Ow. [Dies, flinging the flask theatrically high up in the air as she does] 'v'n : [Sees the flask] N'! [Gets stabbed in the neck by Bryam] Ouch! [Collapses against the huge vat of Nascency Fluid] address is on the mails from now on

Bryam: [Does a double take] Ah, damn! [Runs to 'v'n to see how alive he is] 'v'n : '. [Dies]

Alice : [Looking up at the still spinning flask] Catch the flask!

Harvey: [Leaps for the flask] I'll get it!

Altho : No! I'll get it! [Leaps up, getting in Harvey's way]

Austin : [Tries to jump onto Altho's back/shoulders and use him to jump higher and grab the flask] I don't think so!

Alice : No, [emphasis] I don't think so! [Also leaps up, only to have her face stepped on by Austin as he grabs the flask] Ow! Hey!

Harvey: [Excited, making another grab for the flask] I almost have it! It's right here!

Seigfried : Throw it into the vat!

Austin : [Sighs] Here goes nothing! [Throws the flask into the vat. Sighs as he rapidly nears the ground (in slow motion)] The sacrifices I make!

[ALTHO tackles AUSTIN, but it's too late. The flask flies through the air in slow motion as everyone watches agape.]

Alice : [Checks her watch] Yeesh! How long is this thing going to take?

[The flask sails over the heads of the fighting elves and lands right in the centre of the vat.]

Harvey: [Cheers] Well done, Private!

Clint: Yeah, good job, lawyer! [Notices Altho still on top of Austin and kicks the elf off.]

[The room is suddenly filled with a blinding light that's coming from the vat, and which knocks everyone to the ground. When it subsides, everyone seems to be in the same positions as before, but now the elves are shaking hands and being friendly with each other.]

Seigfried : [Gives the party a big wave] Hey guys! Nice going - good shot, Aus.

Altho : Wow! Now I can see the light! Now I can see everything! Now I can see - [bonk, Clint's boot hits him right in the eye]

Austin : [Stands up, brushing himself down, gets out his pocket mirror and checks his hair. Glancing casually at the cauldron] Well, it is too late to change our minds now. [Gets out his portable drycleaner and cleans his suit. Looks over to where Olive is] Is she still dead? [Looks around at the oddly friendly elves. To the party] Now that they are all friends and possibly can't read eachothers thoughts anymore, perhaps we should give them some, errm, time alone. [Wiggles his eyebrows] If you know what I mean. [Spots Clint's frown] I mean that none of them have had sexual intercourse for a a very long time. crossed with a vax, but much better)

Alice : Oh please. You think they're suddenly going to go crazy just because our Nascency Fluid is mixed with theirs?

[The party turn to look at the elves and see that TRISTRAM is now wearing a sharp suit and shades and is carrying a bottle of whiskey, while HELEN is now wearing even sluttier clothes than ALICE and has a battered cheeseratte hanging out of her mouth.]

Tristram : [To Helen] Let's say we amscray out of here and have a wild wingding at the Cyclotron, Helen?

Helen : Anything you say, Tristie, [Tristram grabs her ass] whooohooo!

Clint: [Surprised but rather pleased] Well hey, the elves suddenly got more fun! [Starts looking around for likely elven women.]

Harvey: [Disturbed] What have we done, troop?! I haven't seen this kind of confusion since the lads in the one-ought-seven got nylons instead of helmets, what!

Clint: [Trying to put it in Harv's terms] Looks to me like we've brought civilization to the savages, eh what?

Austin : [To Harvey] Do not be concerned Colonel. [Checks his nails] We have saved elven kind from extinction, and thereby saved mankind, as the elves will now, hopefully, help mankind fight the horsemen. [Glances around at the elves] Once they have all had a good, [pauses] party or two. [Gets a sparkle in his eye and shouts] Party at Seigfried's place!

Alice : [Wincing as she watches some of the elves behead Altho] Ew! Uh, yeah, that's what it looks like alright!

Bryam: [Closing 'v'n's eyes, and lying him down smartly on the floor] Sorry, erm...guy

Harvey: Perhaps we'd better move on. This is all a bit much, even for this old soldier!

Alice : Well, there is the matter of the big party that's going to be thrown for us!

Seigfried : [Calming down somewhat] I believe the Colonel is correct. It is time for you to move on. The elven army will soon follow.

Austin : [Gets out a small pair of field glasses, and starts watching the action with interest like a nature conservationist] I believe there are several breeding pairs engaged in primitive mating rituals. Hope for the species yet!

Alice : [Watching two elves standing back to back] Very primitive!

Bryam: [Coming to stand over with the others] Ugh! These creatures still disgust me

Harvey: [To Seigfried, politely] Thank you, good sir. We are most grateful for your kind support in our struggle against the forces of evil! [To the party, bellowing] Now, let's get out of this debauched hell-hole!

Alice : Not before we have a drink! [Picks up a glass and holds it aloft] Hooray for us! We've sorted everything out!

[Everyone clinks glasses with ALICE and the action freezes in that position as we wait for the credits to roll.]

Elf : Everything's sorted? What about the person who urinated into the fluid? The woman who has been besmirching the good name of Mr. Sleaze? The rogue elves Pantene and Neosporin? Dangsten Blackheart? Who or what is Clementine? The hundreds of thousands of Jeromites? Jeromitus himself?

Alice : [Face falls] Sheesh! If you're going to be a glass is half empty type of guy, then I suppose things don't seem so rosy.