[Book V, Act VIII, Scene I. ALICE, AUSTIN, CHASTITY, CLINT, HARVEY, SEBASTIAN and SMOCK are here, in a carriage that's skidding to a halt. It eventually stops, and people slowly peer out the front, so see that the carriage avoided hitting the person by mere millimetres. The unmistakable unpleasant face of PETER DEADPAN stares calmly in through the windscreen.]

Alice : [Whispers to the others] Can we move on just a tiny bit more?

Peter Deadpan

Smock: Peter! [Jumps out of the carriage and runs over to give Peter a big hug.]

Peter : [Not reacting to the hug, just looking at Smock in disgust] Oh great. My clothes weren't nearly dirty enough.

Austin : [Makes to say something to Chastity] ... fake nun ... [Looks to see that Peter is unharmed, and sits back breathing a massive sigh of relief] That was too close! [Dabs his brow witha silk handkerchief. To Sebastian] You nearly ran over the nicest, funniest, and [considers, shrugs] simply just the greatest guy who ever lived!

Chastity: [Laughing merrily] Oh, Peter! How wonderful to see you again!

Sebastian: [To Austin] Let's all thank our lucky stars that I didn't. [breaks out into hysterical laughter] Petey, you are too much! [Jumps out of the carriage, and skips over to Peter] How have you been!!! It's been ages!

Smock: [Unphased, beams] Oh, Peter, you're the best! It's so good to see you too, especially after we had such a run of unfortunate events!

Alice : [Turns to Harvey] What fresh hell is this?

Peter : [Looks over the party at disgust] I see you have teamed up with the only person as clever and entertaining as you.

Sebastian: [Continues laughing hysterically, then get a very shaky hold on his voice] Oh Peter-Pooh-Pommpa...You are a riot. Sir Archie is here as well. Quick...quick. What's this? [Puts one hand on his head and prances around swinging the other like a pendulum]

Peter : [With disgust in his voice] An entire orchestra being trampled by a herd of stampeding elephants.

Sebastian: Oh my merciful mushroom!!! [Laughing so hard he cries, collapses to the ground trying to catch his breath.]

Alice : [Gets out of the carriage] Peter. The last time I saw you it was in Anaesthesia, when you stayed behind after we were chased off.

Peter : Alice. The last time I saw you was on the front cover of a semen encrusted newspaper that I stepped on in a public bathroom.

Chastity: [Laughs daintily] True, Alice does have a way with sailors!

Sebastian: [After just catching his breath, once again bursts into laughter pounding the ground, between gasping breaths] Hey, Peter-Pickle-Biter...What's this? [Lays out spread-eagle on the ground with a look of horror on his face]

Peter : Me, when I realised that you were with the group.

Sebastian: [Rolls over on the ground, laughing with no sound.]

Sir Archie: [Stares in what looks like an intense look of hatred toward Peter]

Austin : [To Peter, looking very pleased with himelf] Rather super to see you alive and well, Peter. How may we help you, [emphasis] or rather, how are you going to help us, this time. [Smirks smugly at his own joke]

Sebastian: [stops laughing and rolls his eyes at Austin, To Peter] How did you help them last time?

Peter : I pushed a piano up my nose.

[Enter SNYDER, chuckling to himself. SNYDER is almost unrecognisable, and is wearing a nice suit, good shoes and his general demeanour is totally relaxed.]

Snyder : Pushed a piano up his nose, super! [Gives the party a big wave] Hi gang! ### The previously unpleasant Snyder was last seen leaving with Patience. Up until ### then, he was always quite harsh with the party, usually referring to them ### as scumbags, but there was never any doubt that he secretly admired and ### liked them. He also took Monty away as prisoner on that last occasion.

Sebastian: [laughing] Peter-Peter-Piano-Nose!!! [Wave exuberantly at Snyder] Hello. How lucky of you to get to travel with Petey!

Chastity: [To Snyder] My, don't you look well?

Clint: Hey Snyder. [A bit suspiciously] You're in a good mood...

Sebastian: [To Clint] Who wouldn't be in a good mood with Petey-Pumpkin-Painter around? [Shouts to Sir Archie] Why don't you come on out and see our old friend?!!! [Under his breath] Right, no thumbs. [shouting again] I'll help you out of your safety seat! [To the group] Excuse me.

Snyder : [Graciously to Chastity] Why thank you, Sister. I have been feel really rather good in the last while.

Chastity: [To Snyder] That's lovely to hear. What brings you here?

Snyder : We have a mission for you. We wish for you to return to the Interior. ### The Interior refers to the interior of the planet, where most elves live. The ### party spent time there before, and discovered that, contrary to popular myth, ### elves are quite unpleasant, arrogant and very intolerant of humans. The party ### took a magic wand from there that they promised to return.

Chastity: [Surprised] And why would you like for us to return to the Interior?

Snyder : To ask the elves if they will join us in the fight against Dangsten.

Clint: You mean you want us to deal with the elves again? Those little bastards are really irritating. [Pauses] But given what just happened, a vacation sounds pretty damn good.

Austin : [To Snyder] Oh, is that all. What do you need all of us for then? [Smugly] You could just write a letter to them. [Checks his nails, glancing and frowning a Snyders suit momentarily]

Chastity: [Dismayed] How will we ever persuade them? The elves have no use for humans!

Smock: Oh wow! Let's go! I wanna see an elf!

Sebastian: [Rushes back toward the group, Sir Archie in tow. Mumbling to Sir Archie.] I don't care what you think. It's rude to sit in the carriage. You should have come on out to greet him. I had to make excuses for you. [Sighs loudly when he reaches the group. To Smock.] What did I miss? Did I hear something about shelves?

Smock: [To Sebastian] We're going on a mission to see the elves! We're gonna amass an army and fight the demon! [Starts a mock battle with an invisible opponent.]

Sebastian: [Stares absently at Smock] On a mission to see the Elves Amassing an army to kill the demon Why? In danger, we put ourselves (Perhaps we'll meet Alice's seaman) The child fights to find her glory Hoping one day to tell the story of wars fought, and battles won and life of freedom, just begun [Sighs deeply]

Smock: Hey, Alice. How many seamen do you have? Maybe they can be in our army!

Austin : [Giggles and sniggers] That'll be enough to terrify any enemy!

Alice : Yeah, it's almost as many as Austin.

Austin : [Does the 'hand bag at fourty paces' thing] OOoooh!

Sebastian: [Excitedly to Peter, pointing at Austin] Oooo! Petey what's that?

Smock: Are you gonna be in our army Peter? I bet you're a super warrior, cuz you're just the greatest! [To Snyder] Can Peter come with us? The elves would never say no!

Chastity: [To Smock] Oh, no. We could never risk it. Peter is far too important!

Peter : [Gives Austin a look of disgust before turning to Sebastian] Austin being as heterosexual as possible.

Snyder : [Shakes his head sadly at Smock] Peter's banned from entering Euphoria - he drove all the Elven women crazy with desire. He - [stops abruptly, as though seeing Sebastian for the first time] Who's this? [To Sebastian] Who are you?

Sebastian: Sebastian Waugh and the ever faithful Sir Archibald Carruthers we once ruled this great land...[bows deeply to Snyder. Sighs sadly, and gets that far-away look in his eyes] the hist'ry past, the clan called Waugh is know throughout both near and far belov'd and able leaders all the fam'ly heard the people's call year upon year, blood upon blood the Waugh line sat as gentle lord in wisdom, love and beauty reigned eye on forev, the clan remained no greater lords, the town agreed rabble, and evil all had fleed the lord mayors ruled with fairness true the people had no worries too Ergasia floated in peace, accord with this Waugh as its mayor lord for two fair moons my law did rule then was taken by one so cruel Stolen all in one dreadful sweep my fortunes were all theirs to keep banished, Sir Archie at my side revenge, justice are now my guide We hunt down the dread Mr. Boddy whose manners are wicked shoddy seeking to right our rejection the people's voice, a fair election

Snyder : [Turns to Alice] Friend of yours?

Alice : I don't even know what language he's speaking!

Chastity: [Applauding appreciatively] Marvelous! [To Peter] Isn't he delightful?!

Sebastian: [To Alice, dreamily. Still staring off into the distance] It's called the language of an artist. You wouldn't understand, dear. Only those with a gentle and caring soul can comprehend the deeper levels of emotion. Harsh science and mathematics can't measure it, nor explain it. [Sighs deeply and pats Alice on the shoulder] Perhaps one day...if you ever fall in love with someone who's not a may understand. [Smiles weakly at Alice.] I'll try to help you, dear. If there's any help for you.

Peter : He's a whimsical treat.

Clint : [Helpfully to Alice] He says you're a lesbian.

Alice : Here's some maths for you, Sebastian. One sword plus one teddy bear equals one upset artist.

Sebastian: [Outraged. To Clint] I said no such thing! She just needs to find some passion. [Cheerfully. To Alice] That anger is a start dear. There may be hope for you yet. [Even more cheerfully] Oh, and if you lay one hand on Sir Archie, I will slit your throat in your sleep. And there there will be no place in any circle of hell you will be able to hide.

Chastity: [To Alice, appalled] What a dreadful threat to make! Mr. Waugh only just saved us from a terrible fate, and this is the thanks you give him?! [To Sebastian, patting his arm] Don't mind her, dear. She's a bit high-strung.

Smock: [Tries to weigh up the equation. Puzzled] I don't think that's right, Alice...

Alice : [To Chastity] I didn't threaten any one, but I was threatened. [Looks Sebastian up and down and laughs] Sure you will. [To the party in general] Let's get out of here, I'm sure Sebastian has lots of work to do burying those bodies in the back of his carriage.

Austin : [To Snyder and Peter] Trindle has joined with Dangsten, as has Mr. Boddy. It seems athough the horsemen are nearly four, once more. Do you know who the fourth might be?

Sebastian: [Still Cheerfully To Alice] Threaten Sir Archie again, and you may not be so disbelieving. I'm certainly not keeping you here. Sir Archie and I can seek our revenge on our own, or perhaps with a party that will appreciate us. [Leans in toward Alice. A bit less cheerfully] But Sister Chastity IS correct. I did save you when no one else was there to aid you. I allowed you to use one of my last possessions as your get-away carriage, and I provided distraction to allow for your escape from your deranged boyfriend...I would think that has earned me...and anyone traveling with me a certain amount of respect. Certainly even you can see, that adds up.

[SNYDER and PETER exchange a glance.]

Snyder : That's very worrying. [To Peter] Do you know who the fourth could be?

Peter : No.

Smock: [To Alice] You don't have to be so mean about it! Besides, we need to gather an army. That means keeping allies not dumping them. And I bet Sebastian could help everyone work on their catchphrases, [turns to Sebastian] couldn't you?

Austin : [To Snyder and Peter] Well, Trindle seemed to be under the distinct impression that [laughs. Emphasis] I was the fourth horseman. Which is nice. [matter of factly, with sarcastic edge] So, we don't have anything to worry about there, since I'll never side with those psychopaths.

Alice : [To Sebastian] I'm the mathematican, remember? I can see that it adds up, and it certainly doesn't add up to me wanting to travel to the Interior with someone who's just threatened to cut my throat. [Gives Smock a dirty look] Allies don't threaten to murder you in their sleep.

Smock: [Eagerly] Do you have a horse, Austin? [SNYDER and PETER exchange glances once again.]

Snyder : [To Austin] So, uh, [trying and failing to sound nonchalant] how's your shoulder?

Sebastian: [To Alice] You threatened to kill Sir Archie dear. I see no difference. Dead bodies...[Snaps his fingers suddenly] TRUNK! Petey! I completely forgot, I saved something for you. In the shock of seeing you, I completely forgot. Come with me back to the carriage. You'll never guess!

Harvey : [Nods in agreement with Alice. To Sebastian, angrly] Indeed, sonny, you may just have helped us out of a rum skirmish, but that's no way to talk to a lady! [Waggling a finger] And if you so much as touch a hair on her head you'll pay I tell you! You'll pay dearly!

Chastity: [Snaps at Alice and Sebastian] Stop this bickering! [To Alice] Mr. Waugh was responding, admittedly rather hyperbolically, to your rather mean-spirited suggestion that Sir Archie might meet a stick--er, fluffy--end. But there are more important matters before us. [To Snyder, nervously] Why do you ask about Mr. Sleaze's shoulder?

Smock: [Considers Alice's words then nods. To Sebastian] She's right you know. You can't be on our team if you want to kill us. You better say sorry.

Alice : [To Sebastian] That's a lie. I made a mathematical observation on how attached to your bear you are, and then you threatened to cut my throat while I slept. I never threatened him.

Peter : [To Sebastian] That's right, I won't.

Harvey : [To Sebastian] Sir Archie is a stuffed toy you buffoon! I know your type, young lad! Seen plenty of your lot in basic training, and I'll warn you now, there'll be no sleeping with teddy's in my troop!

Austin : [Raising an eyebrow at the other conversation. To Snyder and Peter] My shoulder? Well, it's quite sore still, and a little unsightly. There does not appear to be much I can do about it. Pray tell, what do you know about such ailments [Looks hopefully at Snyder].

Alice : [Looks at Smock, momentarily surprised] Well said, Smock. [Stands beside her, giving Chastity a dirty look] Party members look out for each other.

Snyder : [To Chastity] Uh, just curious.

Snyder : Oh, I'm sure it'll be fine, aren't you, Peter?

Peter : Yes, yes I am Peter.

Sebastian: [Looks at the group for a moment, mouth agape. Then gathers himself.] Fine. We know where we aren't wanted. You get your fondest wish. Good luck to you all. [Goes to his carriage to leave.]

Chastity: [To Sebastian] Dear, please do stay. [To Alice] Alice, now you must admit what you said about dear little Sir Archie was a bit threatening, yes? [To Sebastian] And surely you must admit that your reliatory threats were a bit extreme, yes? Can we not be friends? [To Alice, insistently] Mr. Waugh did save us in our time of need, purely out of goodness, I suspect.

Alice : Oh my God. It's like dealing with Faetan!

Austin : [To Snyder and Peter] Perhaps you'd like to see my shoulder? Do you know how to get rid of the thingy?

Smock: [Grabs Sebastian and pulls him back to the group.] We didn't say you weren't wanted. Now you say sorry to Alice. Then Alice will say sorry to Sir Archie [looks pointedly at Alice].

Alice : [Sulikily shrugs at Smock, ignoring Chastity] I suppose.

Snyder : [Enthusiastically] Boy, would I? Cool!


Alice : [Rolls her eyes] No I didn't.

Harvey : [Nods. To Alice, in a loud whisper] Yes, dear neice, the boy seem a bit soft, a bit simple too, if you know what I mean. Perhaps better if you say sorry for threating his teddy.

Austin : [To Snyder] Oh, okay then. [Takes off his jacket, carefully hangning it up on a telescopic coat holder he gets from his bag.] Wont be a moment [Then takes off his shirt on Maplin's side and shows Snyder his shoulder] Odd shape isn't it? What do you think it is? A tentacle? [Looks a bit pale] Maybe another head?

Smock: Eep! [Hides behind Harvey as Sebastian starts yelling. Confused] I guess he doesn't want to be on our team then?

Chastity: [Dismayed, to Alice and Sebastian] Now, dear Alice, you would never ever run your sword through Sir Archie, right? You didn't really mean to threaten him, it was only your boastful mathematician side coming out. And you, dear, [to Sebastian] were only making certain we knew just how important precious Archie is to you, right? You wouldn't really hunt Alice down in the pits of Hell just to slit her pretty throat, would you? [Adds quickly] Understanding that she would never EVER [warning glare at Alice] hurt you or Sir Archie??

Alice : I've already said three times that I didn't threaten him.

Snyhder : [Looking at the shoulder] Wow! [Hardly able to contain his excitement] I see a head! I see a head!

Sebastian: [To Chasity] Thanks for trying, dear. [Walks over to the carriage, straps Sir Archie in his safety seat. Sits down in the driver's seat. Whips out his notebook and pen and starts furiously writing.]

Chastity: [Looks sadly at the carriage and sighs heavily. Does a doubletake and gapes at Austin] A HEAD?!

Alice : [Turns to Chastity and shrugs, spreading her arms apart] Oh-kay.

Snyder : [Gives Sebastian a puzzled look for a moment, before turning to the party] Right, gang. I have the wand for you, and Peter will escort you to the edge of the Interior. He can't go in because of the way Elven women react to him, especially now that they're trying to be more human like.

Austin : [Strains to look at his shoulder. To Snyder] Do you think it's a head? It's an odd shape for a head. I thought it's might be a tentacle, or [Looks perplexed. To Peter] What do you reckon?

Snyder : [To Chastity] Yes, it's what's known in the trade as an Aspect of the Path.

Peter : [Deadpan] From Within It Consumes. ### This is a phrase the party has heard several times in relation to The Path, and ### the general consensus seems to be that being on the Path corrupts ### those on it

Peter : It could be a penis.

Snyder : I think it's a nose! [Points at the centre, which protrudes slightly more, and then traces (with a glove on, of course) around the edge, showing the the party that it could look like a face coming up through Austin's shoulder]

Chastity: [Looking at Austin in concern. To Snyder] What can we do to cure Mr. Sleaze?

Snyder : [Very enthusiastic] We don't know! We've never seen an Aspect of the Path this close before. Anyway, some people say that it's not something to be cured, but that it's a blessing!

Chastity: [Dubiously] And did you say the elves are trying to be more human?! I never heard of such a thing!

Snyder : [Nods] Uh-huh! Apparently a group of morally depraved humans showed them the joys of fornication and intoxication. [Bursts out laughing] It was you guys! [Nods] Isn't it great? [To Peter] Aren't they great?

[PETER says nothing, and just rolls his eyes.]

Austin : [Frowns at his Aspect. Puts his clothes back on. To Snyder] So it's a blessing, not something nasty?

Snyder : Maaaybe!

Austin : [To Peter, hopefully] you're so, well just glorious, you must have a 'blessing' type Aspect, what's your's like?

Peter : [Deadpan] It's like a beautiful dream.

[SNYDER whispers something to AUSTIN.]

Austin : [To Peter] Oh well, I suppose you were so fabby already there wasn't a great deal of room for improvement! [ponders. To Peter] Nice to be perfect though!

Peter : Yes. Yes it is.

[A piece of paper is tossed from SEBASTIAN's carriage, and it races off. It takes a corner too fast, however, and slips off, crashing into a large tree.]

Sebastian: [Stumbles out of the overturned carriage, holding his head. He shakes his head furiously then yelps in pain.] Vot the 'ell? Vot...[Looks up trying to focus his eyes. He shakes his head again, and again yelps in pain.] Vot...the...Sheet! Sheet!! My damn 'ead. [He continues cursing in a heavy accent that is impossible to place.]

Snyder : What on earth? Come on, gang! [To Sebastian] Are you okay?

Sebastian: [Sits on the ground outside the carriage. Tries to focus his eyes on Snyder.] Ooo the 'ell are you? [Looks at his carriage.] And why 'ave you crashed my carriage? [Spots Sir Archie in the safety seat.] 'ell!! [Reaches inside, grabs Sir Archie and stuff him unceremoniously into his bag. To Harvey. Brightening up a bit.] Oy! 'ello Father! Vat the 'ell is going on? Ooo is dis man?

Harvey : What? I say, Chappie, speak English!

Sebastian: [Fondly, to Harvey] Oh Father. Always with the yokes. Vere is the rest of the family? [Spots Austin.] Oy! 'ello, dear brudder. Did you see dis man crash my carriage?

Harvey : [Bewildered] What nonsense is he spouting now? [To Sebastian] Stop speaking with that accent, sir! You are from Ergasia!

Sebastian: [Speaking perfectly normally] Are you sure? [Cocks his head to the side, considering what was just said.] If you say so Father. I trust your elder judgement.

Harvey : Father? By the saints! been no need for when two players else. Looks like

Chastity: [Examines Sebastian fussily] Oh, dear! What's happened to you, poor thing?

Sebastian: [Touches his head tenderly] Oh, I'm alright Marmie. That man just wrecked my carriage is all. Glad to see you're okay. Father seems to think I'm from Ergasia. Does that sound right to you?

Chastity: [Looks into Sebastian's eyes and examines his head with a frown] Yes, dear, as far as we know. [Looks around frantically] Where's Sir Archie?!

Snyder : I didn't wreck your carriage, you did!

Sebastian: [slowly] Sir...Archie. I'm not quite sure. Do I know a "Sir Archie?" [Pulls his head away from Chasity's hands quickly, then yelps in pain.] Really, Mother. I'm fine. No need to fuss.

Chastity: [Looks at Sebastian in concern. Very slowly] Dear, we've only just met, I'm afraid. I am not your mother, and the good Colonel [points to Harvey] is not your father. --- F \ No newline at end of file

Alice : Oh, come on, Chas, surely you recognise your own son! [Tries to suppress a smile]

Sebastian: [To Snyder] I did? How remarkable. Why would I do a thing like that I wonder? [Looks gravely at Chastity for a moment. Then studies Harvey's face. Then breaks into laughter. Fondly to Chastity.] Oh Marmie! That game again? You almost had me for a second. I suppose you are going to tell me he [points to Austin] isn't my brother?

Austin : [Indignantly] Of course I'm not your brother, don't be so aburd! to suppress a smile

Sebastian: [Rushes over to Alice] Dear, are you hurt at all? [Grabs Alice roughly and lays a nice big passionate kiss on her]

Alice : Hey! [Pushes away from Sebastian, although still caught in his grasp] Get him off me!

Chastity: [Wide-eyed] Oh, my. [Cheerily, to Harvey] Well, at least they've made up! [To Snyder] Now, what were you saying about our mission, sir?

Sebastian: [holding on tight] I'm sorry dear. I know you shun public displays of affection. Oh, look. I got a gift for our beautiful son, Sterling. [To the group] He's perfect in every way. [Reaches into his bag and pulls out Sir Archie, who is holding a dagger in his paw.] Hmmm, how odd. That wasn't there before. [To Austin, playfully] Just because I'm prettier than you, doesn't give you the right to get all disowny on me.

Austin : [To Sebastian, coldly] If you're my brother then you should be able to tell me our father's full name. What is it? [Eyes the dagger in Sir Archie's paw]

Sebastian: [Follows Austin's eyeline down to the dagger] Oh, I'm sorry. That is distracting, isn't it. [Takes the dagger out of Sir Archie's paw. To Sir Archie.] That's not a good idea, dear. You'll cut yourself. [Does a bit of a double take, looks confused, then embarrassed and stuffs both bear and dagger back into the bag. To Chastity.] What's this about a mission, Mother?

Austin : [To Sebastian, sternly] The reason you don't know my father's name is because you are not my brother. Looks over at the piece of paper that got stuck to the tree

Sebastian: [Follows Austin's eyeline to the paper] What in the name of green apples is that? it ;;;helps, I'm sure Sir Archie sees it too.

Austin : [Walks off and get the piece of paper that crashed into the tree] You should know. You dropped it.

Alice : [As Austin picks up the piece of paper, dismayed] Son? [Even more dismayed] Called [with disbelief] Sterling?

Sebastian: [Hugs Alice affectionately with one arm] I know, dear. I miss him, too. [To Austin] I dropped? How extraordinary. Well Brother,what does it say?

Austin : [Hands the piece of paper to Sebastian] I'm not your brother. You read it.

Sebastian: [To Austin] Thank you, Brother. I'd be delighted. [Clears his throat dramatically] Good times all we've had it makes me ever so sad alliance now faded to dust the union has come to bust I bid you all a fond adieu even the bitch that lost her shoe to you, my dear, lonely [pauses with a horrified look on his face] Alice I wish you no great malice But that someday you may gain knowledge to get past your brain that a man someday will do his part to open up your cold black heart. [Outraged.] What is this!!! Who would right such filth to my beloved bride? My jewel! The beloved mother of my only child. [To Alice] What do you know of this, my sweet? Oh the horror! If our beautiful daughter Silver ever heard of this... I'm terrorized by the harsh words...

Smock: [To Sebastian] Oy! Is this some sort of weird revenge?

Sebastian: [To Smock] I don't know, sister. Can you think of anyone that would want to take revenge on our family?

Smock: [Frowns. To the party] Okay. I change my vote. We should leave him here.

Alice : [Snatches the paper off Sebastian] Hey! [Tears it up] What the hell is wrong with you?

Snyder : What the hell is wrong with [emphasis] all of you? We've got [points at Austin] a man here with an Aspect of the Path! You've just been charged with a crucial mission to go to the Interior, and you have an opportunity to travel with Peter. That's Peter Deadpan!

Austin : [Looking uncertain as to wether or not he should be feeling really smug] Indeed, lets get moving. Sebastian should perhaps rest in the carriage whilst someone else drives. [To Peter] You know the way, so perhaps you'd like to drive?

Clint: [To no one in particular, and quietly] This is gonna be a really looong trip...

Smock: Uh, Austin. The carriage doesn't look like it's going anywhere right now. [Looks at the carriage, which is overturned and partially wrapped around a tree. Brightens] But I bet Peter has a splendiferous carriage, fit for a king! [Looks to Peter expectantly.]

Clint: Hey, good thinking, kid! [To Peter] So how 'bout it, Petey? Got a limo for us?

Chastity: [Beams at Peter proudly] Our old friend to the rescue again! [Looks around] Where is it, Peter?

Peter : It's in my pocket.

Snyder : [Sniggering at this] No it's not! It's over there! [Points to another carriage]

[Soon all but SNYDER are in the carriage, with PETER driving. SNYDER gives a cheerful wave as the party head off. The party drive for about an hour, when PETER has to suddenly jam on the brakes to avoid someone who has run out onto the road. It is TEMPLETON STETSON, one of MARIA's followers who helped imprison the party. He looks like he's been in a fight, and is running in panic.]

Templeton : Help! Help me, please!

Templeton Stetson

Austin : [To Templeton, very smugly from the carriage window] Ah, Templeton, Come to throw us in the gaol again? What seems to be the problem?

Templeton : There's a crazy lady after us! She's killed several of our men! We've gotta go away! We're all gonna die!

Smock: Who's 'us'? And why should we help you anyway?

Templeton : Because we've got such nice hats! [Points to one side of the road, where a cave is visible] We were trying to get into the Int - uh, out for a walk, and she attacked us.

Smock: [Rolls her eyes] What were you trying to steal?

Templeton : Nothing! How dare you suggest that we were up to no good?

Smock: Any idiot can tell you're trying to hide something! [To the party] You guys can tell, right?

Alice : Uh, I can't.

Clint: Oh, c'mon. You're always up to no good!

Templeton : [Looking back once again] Okay, okay, we were trying to get into the Interior. There's some crazy pirate with a big scary hook there.

Alice : Is the pirate trying to get in too?

Templeton : No! The pirate chased us away!

Sebastian: [Straightens up from his dozing in the back of the carriage. To Clint.] You there. Why have we stopped? Who is this man? He looks as though he is up to no good! [Unsure. Under his breath, To Smock] Don't you think?

Smock: A pirate?! Cool! [Gets out of the carriage.] Come on guys! Let's go see!

Smock: [To Sebastian] Most definitely! But he does have a real nice hat. Maybe you could get one for Sir Archie.

Austin : [Looks more than a little nervous] A,a pirate? [To Smock] Wait a minute! [Goes after Smock] Don't go in there! You might not like it!

Clint: [To Templeton] Look, you, just how stupid do you think we are? A crazy pirate with a big scary hook?! [To Sebastian] This man is an idiot with a stupid hat, and he's up to no good. [As an afterthough] Just which one of your personalities are you this time?

Alice : Pirate? Here? In the middle of dry land? [Checks her watch] At this time of night? [To Peter] Do you know anything about pirates, Peter?

Peter : [Sarcastically] I'm married to a pirate.

Alice : [Rolls her eyes and gets off the carriage, following Austin and Smock] I don't know why we bother.

Chastity: [Uncertainly] Peter, I didn't know you're married? [A little hurt] Recently? And didn't invite me?

Sebastian: [Follows Alice] I'm right behind you, dear. [To Smock] Who IS this Sir Archie everyone keeps talking about? It does sound familiar. Is he one of our distant uncles or something?

Smock: [To Austin] But there's gonna be a pirate! Pirates are cool! They have big ships and adventures and lots of treasure! And they have even better hats than Templeton! Maybe this one can teach you guys a bit about sword fighting [swipes an imaginary sword through the air as she moves toward the cave.]

Austin : [Trying to catch Smock] No! Pirates are very dangerous! He might kill you, come back!

Smock: [Smiles at Austin as he catches up with her.] Don't worry! Pirates can't run fast because they have sea legs, so you can easily get away. [Continues eagerly toward the cave.]

Clint: All right, all right. Hold on, kid. Somone has to keep you out of trouble. [Follows Smock and Austin resignedly.]

[SMOCK almost gets knocked over by ROSELLINI LAURO, another of MARIA's followers, who comes charging out, with blood pouring from several wounds.]

Rosellini : Help! Help!

Rosellini Lauro

Harvey : [Drawing his sword] Careful, Troop. These pirates would stab you through the belly as soon as look at you!

[The party creep forward quietly, hearing sounds of a vicious fight. They eventually get to a corner, and all peep around together, and see a female pirate, WENDY HOOK, who's extremely beautiful and wearing a very revealing outfit. There are a number of bodies around her. She looks up and sees the party.]

Wendy : Avast ye swabs! More fools seeking their fortune in the Interior?

Wendy Hook

Sebastian: [Runs to Smock] Sister! Darling, that is dangerous! Stay away. [To Alice] Sweethart, help me stop her!

Wendy : [With a far more cultured voice] Well? Don't waste my time!

Chastity: [To Wendy, primly] No, dear, we do not seek fortune. We seek to save the world.

Austin : [Checking out Wendy] Now that's the kind of pirate I like [Looks all dreamy for a moment, then composes himself. To Wendy, casually] No, actually we're on a mission to convince the elves to come and fight with us against the four horsemen. [Pauses, shrugs] I personally would rather not go into the interior again, the elves have such very poor dress sense, the morcs want nothing but to kill and gain nascency fluid, and most of the humans seem quite happy to drink elf urine all day.

Sebastian: [Whispers to Chastity] Really, Mother? No fortune. [Gives a disappointed grunt. Draws his sword]

Clint: Hellooo, nuurse! [Eyes Wendy appreciatively.] Love the hook, babe!

Wendy : [To Clint] That's my castrating hook. Want to get better acquainted? [Angrily to Chastity] Liar! Do not toy with me. I am Wendy Hook, daughter of Jake "Ten Daggers" Chin. You do not want to annoy me.

Alice : [Does a double take] Ten Daggers Chin? [Turns to Austin] Doesn't that name sound familiar? ### Austin once appeared to admit that he was the son of the notorious Jake "Ten ### Daggers" Chin, one of the most ferocious pirates to ever live, although he quickly ### claimed otherwise

Smock: Ahoy me beauty! Us landlubbers don't want yer treasure, just passage fer our crew. You aren't gonna belay us now are you, bucko?

Chastity: [Squints at Austin] Doesn't it?! [To Wendy] We're pleased to meet you, dear. We are [looks at the enormous number of people to be introduced and sighs wearily], er, I am Chastity Brown [offers her hand daintily to shake Wendy's hook].

Smock: [Helping Chastity out] We be heroes!

Austin : [Looks quite pale, looks hard at Wendy] Jake "Ten Daggers" Chin. [Looks quite speechless for a moment] Daughter. [Gulps and takes a deep breath, looking a little faint still, gets a photo out of his wallet and hands it to Wendy]

Clint: [Unconsciously crossing his legs, and eyes Austin suspiciously.] Yeah, it does.

Wendy : Take that hand away from me, unless you want it cut off. [To Smock] Ye be idiots. Be off, before I slaughter everyone last one of you. ### Here's Crazy Jake Chin, who Austin appeared to be related to :

Crazy Jake

Wendy : [Doesn't take the photo, but glances at it] You have a photo of my father, so what? Just for that, I'm going to pull your tonsils out with my hook. And I'm going to start by going through the rectum. You - [glances up, and her face softens] P - Petey? Peter? Is that really you?

Peter : [Who has just arrived] No. It's a giraffe.

Austin : [Looks much relieved, and chuckles at Peter hilarious joke] Aah, Peter, glad you could join us. [Looks anxiously at Wendy. To Peter] I see you have met my sister before.

Sebastian: [Shocked] Sister! [Turns to Chastity] Mother!!! How could you keep her from us all these years?! She certainly does have MY good looks, doesn't she?

Wendy : [Drops her sword, and runs to Peter, leaping onto him] Oh, Peter! I thought I'd never see you again!

Alice : Oh my God. He knows her too?

Wendy : [Turns to Alice] He's my husband! Of course, I haven't seen him since the night he cut my hand off, though.

Alice : Uh, of course.

Alice : [Does another double take] Wait a minute, Chastity is her mother? Oh. My. God. This is huge!

Austin : [Looks incredibly smug. Quietly, with an air of intense self satisfaction] Peter is my brother in law!

Sebsatian: [Looks lovingly at the hugging couple] And a new brother too. What an incredible day for my family! We should have a toast. [Glances around at the group.] Does anybody have any liquor? Wine? [His eyes rest on Clint] Anything to dull the senses?

Alice : [Takes out her hipflask and takes a good swig, before throwing it to Sebastian] So, uh, Mrs. Deadpan, what are you doing here?

Wendy : Killing horny perverts.

Alice : Oh man, we're screwed!

Austin : [To Wendy] I guess we must be half-siblings, who was your mother? If you don't mind me asking.

Wendy : [Shrugs] No idea. She left before I was born.

Chastity: [Fanning herself and weeping happily] Oh, Peter! What happy news. And what a [looks at Wendy for a long time, carefully picking her words] lively bride you have!

Sebastian: [Catches the flask from Alice and takes a quick swig. Hear what Austin asks, looks terribly confused. Takes another longer swig. And tosses the flask back to Alice.] Thanks, dear. [Whispers to Alice] Are you a horny pervert, my pet? I had no idea.

Peter : She spreads joy where ever she goes.

Austin : [Looks quite pleased with himself. To Peter] Welcome to the family! [Looks around, concerned] Where is the colonel?

Harvey : I'm here, Private.

Alice : [To Sebastian] Of course I am. [Catches Harvey's look] Uh, am not a horny pervert. What are you talking about?

Sebastian: [Whispers to Alice] We'll talk later, dear. [To Harvey] Isn't it wonderful, Father? What a grand family we have now! Shall we all go save the world now? [Quickly to Chastity] Not for profit, of course.

Chastity: [Beams proudly at Sebastian, ruffling his hair] That's my boy! [Fussily smooths Sebastian's hair back down]

Alice : [To Wendy] So, these, uh, horny perverts, what's that all about?

Wendy : It seems the elves are trying to become more human like, and brothels have sprung up all over the Interior, including one deeper in these caves. I'm trying to protect these perverts from themselves.

Chastity: [Nods sagely] I quite approve of your goal, but isn't your method a bit messy?

Wendy : [Totally distracted by Peter] Hm? Sure, I suppose so, but it's fun. It also scares most of them away.

Clint: [Appalled] You're trying to keep people from going to brothels?!? [To Austin] You're sister needs help!

Alice : [Even more appalled] Well, we're not gonna help her to that!

Austin : [To Wendy] Brothels full of elven prostitutes? [Looks very suprise] I hope their dress sense had impreoved too.

Wendy : [Laughs,and feels Austin's suit with her hook] I see you inherited Grandfathers sense of dress. No, I'm afraid the elves are still centuries behind us. It's all human prostitutes.

Chastity: [Wrinkles her nose] That's disgusting! [Grabs Harvey's arm] Colonel, I feel faint! It's all so tawdry.

Harvey : There there, Sister. Not to worry. This troop can be trusted. [Looks around slowly at the party] Gah!

Austin : [To Wendy, looking at her clothes] You cut a swashbuckling dash yourself, if you don't mind me saying so. [hesitates] Who was our grandfather?

Sebastian: [Quietly. To anyone that will listen to him] Do we not know our own Grandfather? [Looks around at the bodies and points to Clint] He seems to be the only one alive in the room who is not related to us in some way...He doesn't look quite old enough, though. [mutters unintelligibly holding his head, backs up and sits down]

Chastity: [Goes to Sebastian] Oh, dear! Is your memory returning?

Alice : Oh, God, I hope so!

Wendy : Who's our Grandfather? Only the greatest time traveller ever, Faern Short. ### Faern Short is an ancestor of Harvey and Alice, and was the one responsible ### for selling the wand to the Elves in the first place. His hedonism was legendary, ### and he is personally responsible for humans being looked upon as little more ### than savages by non-humans. ### ### He met the party briefly in 4.3, when he was initially using the pseudonym ### John Smith. He and Austin spent several months travelling together after Lucy ### died, investigating The Path. Austin has never spoken of their time together, but ### did tell the party that Faern died, on the night he claimed to have figured out ### "From Within It Consumes" meant.

Faern Short (as John Smith)

Faern reveals his true identity to the party

Austin : [Looks astounded] What! [falters] But [pauses] That means that Wendy and I are second cousins to Alice and Harvey, and what ... [Looks at Clint and grimaces] Mr Scar is our great great, great ....[pauses] grandfather! [Looks decidedly dissapointed, then brightens up] Well, a good distance down the family tree anyway.

Chastity: [Astonished] Poor confused Mr. Waugh mightn't be as far afield as we thought! There are certainly more relatives in this party than we'd ever dreamed. Perhaps I am a distant relative, as well? [considers the rest of the party with a frown]

Chastity: [To Clint, studying his face and then Austin's] OH! I do see it! [To Alice, pointing at Austin's nose and then Clint's] It's in the nose ridge! Unmistakable!

Alice : [Nods] Could be, Sister. And, with an enormous conk like yours, you're never related to us!

Wendy : [To Clint] No mistake. Faern spread his seed far and wide. It's just a pity he gave all his money to that idiot family of his.

Smock: [Disappointed that she's not related to anyone, to Wendy] So are you gonna let us in or what?

Clint: Yeah! Move it, babe - we're on a knightly quest, you know.

Smock: To save the world and everything!

Wendy : [To Peter] Can they be trusted?

Peter : No, they're a bunch of travelling con-artists.

Wendy : Sure, off you go. [Puts her arm around Peter and starts heading off, pausing as Peter hands the wand to Harvey]

Smock: [Giggles at Peter's 'joke'. Waves] We'll miss you Peter!

Chastity: [Waves daintily, sniffing into a lacy hanky] Goodbye! Do send wedding pictures when you have a chance!

[Exit ALL deeper into the caves, where a ladder disappears into the darkness.]

Sebastian: [Gives an unsure wave] 'Bye. [Snaps to attention quickly] Hey Petey! What's this? [Places one hand over his face raises the other hand straight over his head and staggers back and forth as though he's holding something very heavy]

[Book V, Act VIII, Scene II. The bottom of the ladder. ALICE, AUSTIN, CHASTITY, CLINT, HARVEY, SMOCK and SEBASTIAN are here, in another large cave. It is quite dark, except for a large building off to one side, with garish lights outside it. Written on the front is "The Duck Ranch". There is a scantily dressed woman outside, OFFICER PHLOUXSIE, who gives the party a long look.]

Alice : Duck ranch? Wow! Do you think they have herds of ducks there?

Officer Phlouxsie

Smock: Maybe they just have a lot of quacks.

Sebastian: [Laughs merrily. To Smock] You are almost as funny as Peter, Sister. [Addresses Officer Phlouxsie with a bow] Good Evening, Officer.

Smock: [To Sebastian] Really? You think so? [Wistfully] I can only dream of one day being even a tiny bit as fantastic as Peter.

Phlouxsie: [Lifts her chin] Evening. [Looks over the party with a critical eye.] Who are you lot?

Sebastian: [Squeezed Smock's shoulder fondly and winks at her] As do we all dear, as do we all. [To Phlouxie] I am Sebastian Waugh. This is my family. [Points to Harvey] My father, Harvey. [points to Chastity] My mother. [points to Austin] My twin brother. I got the good looks there unfortunately. [points to Clint] And that there is...Mr. Scar [seems unsure for a moment], my Grandfather. [Walks over and places his arm around Alice] This is my beautiful, ever faithful wife...Alice. And the funny one up front [nods to Smock] Is my sister. We are but humble adventures from afar seeking refuge from the harsh realities of the world.

Alice : [Pushes away from Sebastian] Get off! [To Phlouxsie] He's a weirdo who thinks we're his family. Do you have ducks in there?

Phlouxsie : No.

Alice : [Looks up at the sign again] Oh. The [emphasis] duke ranch. I see.

Smock: [Beams at Sebastian. To Phlouxsie] So what do you have in there?

Phlouxsie : Are you a customer or an applicant?

Clint: [Firmly] She's not an applicant. [To Smock] Maybe you should wait outside, kid.

Smock: [Frowns at Clint.] I'm not waiting outside! Why can't I be an applicant? [To Phlouxsie] I want to be an applicant.

Sebastian: [Clearly hurt by Alice's words, his eyes begain to well up with tears. Choking back emotion. To Smock] It may be best for you to wait outside. We aren't sure what we'll find in there. [Looks around at the dark cave, apprehensively] Although...we aren't sure what she'd encounter out here either. [to Clint] Grandfather, do you you think she'd be safe out here?

Phlouxsie : [To Smock] Sure. You'll need to speak to Mrs. Danvers. The rest of you folks? You have a good time inside. Treat the girls right, and we'll all get on just fine.

Chastity: [Firmly] We must all stay together. It wouldn't be safe to leave young Smock outside on her own. [Whisks out a tea towel and fashions it into a blindfold] Here you go, dear [hands the blindfold to Smock].

Alice : Why don't you give another one to Sebastian to dry his tears?

Sebastian: [Turns away from Alice and wipes his tears on his sleeve. To Phlouxie.] Thank you for the invitation. I'm sure we'll have a delightful time. [Walks into the Duck]

Smock: Why don't you make another one to gag Alice's meanness?

Clint: Yeah, and it'll be fun, too. [Follows Sebastian, then pauses to give Smock some advice.] Oh, kid: if we get separated, don't leave the lobby, okay? At least not with a stranger. [Goes inside.]

Chastity: [Strides in after Sebastian, dragging Smock along and hissing to Alice] Must you be so cruel?! You know he has the sensitivity of a poet! to give Smock some advice. Oh, kid: if we get >separated, don't leave the lobby, okay? At least not with a >stranger. [Goes inside.]

Sebastian: [Smiles broadly at Smock.] Thanks, sis. [To Clint] Don't worry. Mother and I will keep an eye on her. I don't imagine we'll be seeing much of you. [Winks at Clint]

Alice : [To Smock] Any spare tea towels she'll have will surely be used to put a gag on your convenient childishness. [To Chastity] What? You want me to pretend I'm married to him, Mother?

[Enter ALL in through the door. This is a large lounge bar, decorated in sleazy red. There are a number of women here, dressed in suggestive, old West style saloon dresses, as well as one man sitting at the bar. This is DAVIS JEFFERSON. The women are KAT MASTERSON, FAUN MONTAGUE DE COMERFORD, GEORGIA CAROLINA, HESTER PRYNNE, LESLEY MARCHE AUX POUCES and MARILEE GOLIGHTLY. All but HESTER and FAUN give the party welcoming smiles. HESTER just glares at them, while FAUN fails to make eye contact. There is one other woman, MRS. DANVERS, who is considerably older than the others, and is dressed in a far less suggestive costume. She approaches the party.]

Danvers : [Sombrely] Welcome to the Duck Ranch.

Mrs. Danvers

Kat Masterson

Faun Montague de Comerford

Georgia Carolina

Hester Prynne

Lesley Marche aux Pouces

Marilee Golightly

Davis Jefferson

Marilee: [Does a little happy hop, and rushes over the the group] I do declare! What a beautiful group of people. [Turns to address the girls behind her excitedly] How lucky are we?! Just sittin' around hopin' for somethin' And somethin' came in would say! [Goes to each member of the group to welcom them, exhuberently shaking their hands. She also tries to hug Smock, Chastity and Alice]

Chastity: [Politely, to Mrs. Danvers] Hello, Madame. My, what a dear little home you have. Are these your daughters?

Alice : [Returning the hug] Hi! What a great place this place must be to work!

Danvers : [Still expressionless] No. They're whores.

Marilee: [To Alice] Oh it's the greatest place to work! I don't know what I did to deserve to work at the Duck Ranch...But I'm glad I did it! [To Chastity] Oh, but she's like a Mother. She takes care of us better than anyone could! But it's true. We are whores. Isn't that great?! What brings you to us today?

Sebastian: [Looks intrigued by Faun. He subtly trys to catch her eye]

Clint: [Eyes wide like a kid in a candy store, he tips his borrowed cowboy hate to Marilee.] Hey bab... err, howdy, darlin'. And who are you?

Alice : [A little taken aback] Uh, yeah, it's super. I guess we're just passing through. Hey, do you guys often get whisked away by billionaires? You know, like in that movie, Attractive Woman, with Roberta Julias and Gicherd Rear?

[FAUN coughs selfconsciously, and keeps looking away]

Danvers : [Shoots Faun a glare, before turning to the party] You are more than welcome to have a drink.

Chastity: [Clings to Harvey] Isn't it sad, Colonel? This is what happens to young women like your Alice who don't have someone like you looking out for them!

Kat: [Interrupts Clint] How about a game of cards, cowboy? cowboy hate

Marilee: [Squeals with delight when she sees Clint] Oh my merciful stars in heaven! We got ourselves a real live cowboy here girls! My name is Marilee. [Lowers her voice to a purr] What do they call you, Wild Mustang?

Sebastian: I'll take a drink. [Glances at Smock] Do you have any milk...or...something for my sister here?

Harvey : [Swallowing hard] Er, yes, Sister. Quite. [Takes out a handkerchief and mops his brow] Sad.

Davis : [Swivels around on his barstool. He is holding a cigar in one hand and a whiskey in the other] Yeeeeha! Welcome partners! Let old Davis buy y'all a drink!

Marilee: [Steps back from Clint. Goes back to her perky voice] Oh you HAVE to play card with Kat. She's the BEST! You'll have soooo much fun! [Takes his cowboy hat off and puts in on her head. Winks at him. Back to the purr] But if she ain't your come back and find your hat now, you hear? [Tips the had, turns and bounces off]

Sebastian: [To Davis] Thank you so much. I'm Sebastian Waugh. [Offers his hand to Davis]

Davis : [Grabs Sebastian's hand and shakes it roughly] God damn, boy! It sure is a pleasure to meet you.

Hester : [Sitting at the bar, smoking a cigarette] Sigh.

Clint: Thanks, babe. [Heads on over to Kat, stopping by Davis on the way.] I think I'll take you up on that drink. And you on those... cards. Yeah, cards. Yeah, cards.

Sebastian: [To Davis] And you, sir. [To Hester] Are you alright, dear? [Glances to make sure Smock is okay]

Hester : [Blows a huge smoke ring towards Sebastian] I'm just so bored.

Chastity: [To Marilee, pulling her aside] Dear, wouldn't you be happier if you settled down and started a family? A girl with your positive outlook could do very well. Men like that.

Marilee: [to Hester] Oh, Hess. Cheer up! What's there to be so down about? Just think happy, sunny thoughts...and you'll feel the glow from within! --- F \ No newline at end of file

Marilee: Settle down with just one man? Oh no. Why would I do that? I love my life. Just as it is. I get to meet all sorts of new and interesting people. It's never dull. Are you settled down with a family?

Georgia: [To Sebastian] Mah, you seem like a gentleman. Can ya bring a lady a drink? Nothin' too strong now.

Chastity: [Sadly] Alas, I am a widow, and I have only my children to comfort me.

Kat: [Impatiently abandons Clint, to Sebastian] Card game, dreamboat?

Sebastian: [To Georgia] Oh certainly. I'm sorry. [Takes a drink over to Georgia] [To Kat] I'm not much of a card player, dear. I'm sorry. [Checks to make sure Smock is okay, upon seeing Alice, he straightens up a bit] [to Georgia and Kat, a bit flirty] Actually, would the two of you like to hear some of my poetry?

Georgia: Thank ya. [Looks at Sebastian, innocent-like.] I'd love to heah your poetry.

Clint: [Picks up his drink from Davis with a nod of thanks and makes his way over to Kat.] Sorry babe. Had to pick up something first.

Davis: [To Clint] Any time, pardner!

Kat: [Unimpressed] No. [Turns to Harvey] Game of cards, you silver fox, you?

Chastity: [Claps her hands] Oh, do favor us with a poem, dear!

Marilee: [To Chastity] You're a widow? How wonderful! All that freedom and time to do what you want? What an incredible blessing that is! It looks as though you stay busy. Are any of these [gestures to group] yours? That sad looking one sure is a looker. [Eyes fall on Sebastian]

Sebastian: I call this "Alice Will Be Mine" [Clears his throat dramatically] Alas! How my heart breaks into splinters and shatters beyond repair when I look upon your face so fair And know you are not mine. My Soul! Banished to the coldest winters and frozen there in time when I look upon your face sublime An know you are not mine No Fear! Or doubt have I when love enters and sets its gaze upon me for I know one day I will be free And you, forever mine [drops his head in grand sadness, sits down at the bar and throws back a shot]

Chastity: [To Marilee, offended] Being a widow is tragic and dreadful! [To Sebastian, uneasily] That was beautiful, dear.

Marilee: [Perkily] Oh, certainly it can't be ALL bad, can it? There is certainly some spark of positive can be found. There's good in everything.

Sebastian: [Sighs deeply. Whispers] Thank you, Mother.

Alice : [Clearly coming up with an idea, and turning to Georgia] Wasn't that just great? I hear he's a [lowers voice] wonderful lover and a [looks around for a moment before leaning in confidentially] big tipper.

Georgia: [Coyly, to Sebastian] I surely would love to hear more of that beautiful poetry, sir.

Clint: [Drinks his shot of whisky in one go.] I wouldn't. [Hastily backs away to talk to Marilee.] Looks like Kat'd rather play with Harv, there, so I guess it's just you and me, babe.

Harvey : [Clearly quite flustered] Well, actually, we were looking for some information about elves.

Sebastian: [Sighs, Stands and clears his throat] I lay upon the soft green grass and gaze at the skies above I search for signs of my darling lass floating shapes of my true love Her lily-white hands, soft and fair wearing my wedding ring Her flowing mane of silvery hair encircled with flowers of spring Lo! In that mysterious mist I find her ivory skin and her lips I longed to have kissed and places we've never been Doves travel places I have seen but in clouds seem much duller with out my love, my life, my queen the whole world lacks its color [Sighs again, sits back down and throws back another shot]

Marilee: [to Clint, but looking at Sebastian concerned] Just a minute cowboy. [Walks over to Sebastian and whispers in his ear.]

Alice : [Stilted] Wow. If I was a hooker, I'd sure be interested in him.

Sebastian: [Starts to half-heartedly chuckle...then gradually builds into an all out hysterical laugh] Stop...Okay! Stop! You're right. [Regains his composure, wipes tears from his his eyes, this time from laughter. Looks at Alice. Then breaks out into laughter again.]

Marilee: [Pats Sebastian on the shoulder and walks over to Harvey] What's your story old-timer?

Clint: [Annoyed] I'm not sure he even likes women! I mean, poetry? C'mon!

Kat: [To Clint] Cards are more manly, don't you think? [Does some fancy shuffling tricks, which culiminate with her producing an origami swan made from an ace of hearts card from her mouth and presenting it to Clint] Wanna play?

Marilee: [Glances over at Kat] Oh! [Claps gleefully. To Clint] I told you she was good!

Sebastian: [To Clint] Don't be jealous, Grandfather. It isn't attractive. Besides, you did some nice poetry of your own at the Science Fights. [Pauses for a second, looking confused.] him. He's a pretty, pretty boy!!

Harvey : Well, er, madam, we were looking for information on how to get to Euphoria.

Clint: [Gawks] That was a standard Scientist Fights cheer, I'll have you know! [To Kat] Sure, I'll play with you. [Wink wink, nudge nudge, big leer.]

Chastity: [To Harvey, beaming and clutching his arm tightly] You always manage to keep the troop marching forward, Colonel! [To Davis, politely] Sir, could you tell us how to find Euphoria?

Georgia: [To Sebastian] Well, Ah do declare, he isn't much of a gentleman. [Shudders delicately.] Not like you. Makes it awful hard to enjoy the poetry with him around.

Davis : [To Chastity, slapping his thigh] Good God, girl! Spending time with some of these lovely ladies would be a good start!

Sebastian: Do you write poetry, dear? I'd love to hear some of yours.

Marilee: [to Harvey] Euphoria? Oh...I'm any of the girls here would be glad to TAKE you to Euphoria, Grandpa. [Twirls a strand of her hair between her fingers]

Harvey : Well then! That's excellent, my dear!

Chastity: [Swats Harvey with a tea towel] Colonel, please! These women are trying to lure you into some sordid bedroom play, not offering directions!

Kat: [To Clint] You have to beat me in cards before you can play with me, stud. [Starts shuffling, all business] Here's the game. Nine-Card Millicent. Threes high. Hearts wild [gives a flirty wink]. First one to 74 wins. [Deals out nine cards for Clint and herself and beams when she sees her own hand]

Harvey : [Aghast] Surely not, Sister!

Alice : [Sits in beside Clint] I'll help you, Stinky! [Looks at Clint's hand] Oh no! Oh my God, that's the worst hand I've ever seen! [Hands it to Clint and whispers loudly] Let's try bluffing!

Marilee: [Squeals gleefully, and claps her hands together] Do you have any exciting kinky quirks? There are some things some of the girls prefer not to if you have a perference, you should speak up now. Also, there's the small matter of the fee, which you'll have to take up with Lady Danvers. She doesn't like us to go off upstairs until she's been properly paid.

Harvey : [Confused] Kinks? [Realisation dawns] Ah! You wish to do my ironing? I see! [Beams happily] Very kind. Any ironing I have would just be my regulation army shirt and trousers. And socks, vest, handkerchief and underpants, of course. However, we may not have the time. Do you know how we may get to Euphoria.

Danvers : [Coldly] Fleabag knows.

Clint: Oh god. [To Harv.] C'mon, Harv! Do these nice girls looks like they're trying to lure you into sordid bedroom play?!?

Georgia: [Fanning herself.] Oh, I'm not so good at writing poetry as you. [Gives Sebastian a look.] Let me think... Oh, I have one! There once was a poet named Dan, Who's poetry never would scan. When told this was so, He said, "Yes, I know" "It's because I try to put every possible syllable into the very last line that I can" !!

Chastity: [To Mrs. Danvers] And where is this, er, Mr. Fleabag?

Kat: [Scowls at Clint] Are you going to fold or what? No way are you beating my hand. women are trying to lure you into >some sordid bedroom play, not with me, stud. [Starts shuffling, all >business] Here's the game. Nine-Card Millicent. >Threes high. Hearts wild [gives a flirty wink]. herselfand beams when she sees her own hand Clint's hand Oh no! Oh my God, that's the >worst hand I've ever seen!

Marilee: Directions? You mean you actually want to go to EUPHORIA? The actual place Euphoria? With the elves and whatnot? Why on earth? Euphoria is a dreadful place. What with the Morcs and all. It's horrible. [Stuggles for a second, then adds brightly] But I'm sure if you wanted to die a bloody death, it'd be just the place to go.

Sebastian: [To Georgia] That was very nice, dear. It had a nice rhythm to it.

Austin : [Finishes eyeing up the goods] Ineed, we wish to go to Euphoria, the place that is Euphoria. [Glances at the girls] Besides, not one of us has any money, at all. [Smirks, then pauses] Unless Sebastian has some money? [Looks expectantly at Sebastian]

Hesters : [Rolls her eyes at Austin's comments, and sighs. To Sebastian] I hope you're not thinking of wasting your money on your leeching [pauses] 'friends' [looks at the rest of the party with disgust]

Clint: [Suspiciously] Nah. Real men don't fold just because their hand bites.

Georgia: Why, thank you kindly.

Sebastian: [Smiles at Georgia. Winks at Austin then turns to Hester] They aren't my friends. They are my family. [Pauses. Confused] I think. Do you ever feel like your life is just one big game? And you aren't quite sure who all the players are? Or what your role is? Like [sighs deeply] just doesn't matter anymore.

Smock: [To Davis, climbing up on to a bar stool] Where's my drink?! [To Danvers] The cop outside said I had to talk to you about being an applicant. What is it?

Sebastian: [Reaches over and places his hand on Smock's hand fondly] Oh sweetheart, you don't want a job. If you took a job, you would be able to continue on your adventure with the rest of the family. And I know how much you enjoy our escapades.

Marilee: [Incredibly chipper] Oh, but there's adventure to be had here, too dear. [Looks around at the party] But I could see where you would want to stay with this bunch too. Lots of potential...

Smock: Ew. I don't want a job. [To Danvers] Never mind. [To Marilee, proudly] We're heroes you know! We're even on a mission to save the world!

Marilee: [Smiles fondly at Smock] Heroes! That's wonderful!!! [Claps her hands together. Sits next to Smock and leans in with interest to listen.] Is it dangerous and exciting? You certainly are traveling with some outstanding companions.

Smock: [Obviously excited to have someone listen to her] Oh yeah! It's heaps dangerous. We have to fight demons and evil villains that want to kill us! And Austin even died once but then he came back to life. [Looks at the party] Mostly they're still in hero training because they haven't got their roles right yet. [Pulls out her book and shows it to Marilee] All the rules are in here. But they're doing okay so far, except for Chastity. Right now we're going to find the elves and ask them to join an army to save the world cuz the evil baddies have joined forces and they're gonna destroy the world!

Marilee: [Looks at the book. Gives Smock and approving nod.] Wow! You stay busy. It looks like you really work hard to keep the group in line, huh? I sincerely hope you lead them to victory. I kind of like the world the way it is! What a brave young lady you are!

Davis : [Leaps off his seat and pulls out two pistols which he fires into the air] Yeeeha! A night in the Duck Ranch, and the world's gonna be saved. [Puts a glass of whiskey in front of Smock] Get that down you! Smock [Excitedly] Yeeha!! [Sniffs the whiskey then raises it in a toast to Davis.]

Faun: [Winces and lets out a little squeak at the sudden burst of gun fire.]

Davis: [Raises his own glass in reply.] Here's mud in your eye! [Clinks glasses with Smock.]

Austin : [To Smock, casually] You might want to check that you drink wasn't made with elf urine, before you drink it.

Hester : [To Sebastian] Perhaps you just need someone who appreciates your warm, loving heart? [Looks prim and modest] I'm very appreiative, when appreciated [Fluters her eyelids at Sebastian, then turns to the bar, sighing whistfully]

Alice : [To Hester] He's awfully appreciative himself.

Danvers : [Finishing pouring drinks, and turning to Chastity] Fleabag is upstairs. [Looks Chastity up and down] His speciality is frustrated, middle aged women.

Chastity: [To Danvers, sweetly] Wasn't he able to help you, dear?

Kat: [Thumps her cards down on the table] Read 'em and weep! A Round Cottage! [The cards are a random mix of all suits with no obvious pattern. To Clint, impatiently] Well, show me yours.

Danvers : [Still expressionless] Yes. He gave me multiple orgasms and made me feel like a woman again. You should try it.

Alice : [To Clint] Come on, Stinky! She showed you hers!

Clint: Errr... yeah. A Double Full Dragon with an Inside Twist! [Drops his own cards hopefully.]

Austin : [To Clint] Let's hope she doesn't want to see yours. [Smirks]

Sebastian: [Sighs deeply. To Hester] No one ever REALLY appreciates a poet. I suppose I'll die some tragic death saving the world. Perhaps then SOMEONE will appreciate me.

Marilee: [To Smock, glancing at Sebastian] He's sort of a moody one, isn't he?

Georgia: [To Sebastian, with a gentle look] That's so sad! You want to talk about it? Or is that why you write those beautiful poems?

Smock: [To Marilee] He was in a carriage crash recently and knocked his head pretty bad. [To Sebastian, flicking through her book] No, you're not meant to die. You have to make up really catchy songs about how good we are!

Hester : [To Sebastian, seductively] Come, tell me another of your poems, I'd just love to hear some more [Pats the bar stool beside hers]

Sebastian: Alas, it is not my head that needs mending, but my broken heart. [sighs deeply] She has wounded me fatally, I think. [Glances at Alice, his eyes tearing up] I'm sorry Marilee, your wicked jokes about my wife were funny at the moment. But now I feel I have betrayed her for laughing at them. [Sighs again, clears his throat and speaks softly] Lo! How my heart does bleed, as the knife turns from behind my soul long to [His voice cracks] I'm sorry...I just can't...

Smock: [Anxious] Alice! Make him stop. [Tries to pull Alice over to Sebastian.] Kiss and make up. He's all sad.

Marilee: [Perkily] How can any one be sad on a day like today? [Ruffles Sebastian's hair] Come on 'Bastian, cheer up. It's not like she started playing for the other team or anything. Good lookin' guy like can win her back. And if you can't [Looks at Alice disgustedly] no big loss, I say.

Alice : [Refuses to let Smock pull her along, pulling her arm back, before glancing at Marilee] And anyway, 'bastian, you can always hire a whore. especially a really perky one.

Kat: [Looks at Clint's cards in disbelief] How the hell did you do that?! [Slinks over and sits in Clint's lap] I'm impressed, big guy. No one EVER beats me at Nine-Card Millicent [starts nibbling Clint's ear].

Chastity: [Watching Kat and Clint] Oh, dear. [To Harvey, urgently] Colonel, we'd better rally the troops before they get into trouble!

Smock: [Angrily to Alice] Why are you so mean to him?! He's only being nice! No wonder your boyfriend turned evil when he was living with a witch like you!

Faun: [Fidgets nervously, looking uncomfortable with the conflict]

Alice : [To Smock] Hey! Back off! First, I wasn't being mean to him, I was being mean to [points at Marilee] her, in retaliation. Second, he threatened to kill me less than half an hour ago. Third, you yourself said that he shouldn't be with us. Fourth, Jerome never lived with me. Fifth, he's not my husband and pretending that he is won't help anyone. Sixth, why don't you go back to behaving like a four year old, it's marginally less annoying than when you behave like a bitch.

Austin : [Goes over to Faun] Come now, my dear, don't mind their bickering, they do little else. [Puts a comforting arm around Faun]

Hester : [Goes over to Sebastian and tries to lead him over to her seats] Come with me honey, away from all of these nasty people. We'll have a little drink.

Sebastian: [Nods to Georgia, Hester & Marilee in turn] It's very kind of you ladies to take an interest in my well being. [Looks at the party] Especially at a time when my own family seems to not care. But a broken heart is not so easily mended that simple words will repair it. [sighs] Time, I fear, will be the only remedy. [Reaches over and grabs Smock's drink and downs it. Stands up shakily. To Chasity, with resolve.] Yes, Mother. I agree, we should get on with this world saving business. My heart is obliterated, but my body can still be broken for the good of mankind.

Alice : [Mutters under her breath] What about your mind. [To Austin] Hey, do you think that was Elvin urine? [Peers at Sebastian]

Clint: [To Kat, clearly paying no attention whatsoever to the rest of the party.] I have many hidden talents, babe, if you know what I mean.

Georgia: [To Alice] How can you be so cruel to your poor, heartbroken husband?

Austin : [To Alice, shrugging] I have no idea. I just thought it polite to warn Smock that it could be. [To Smock] The last time we were here there was a brandy called Louis XV, which was made from elf urine, amongst other things. band?

Smock: [To Alice] You [emphasis] were being mean to him =96 you're mean to everyone. You threatened to kill his best friend. I said he didn't belong with us if he wanted to kill you, which he clearly no longer does. I know he's not really your husband but you could at least make the effort to help him work that out. And I've obviously learned out to be bitchy from someone.

Faun: [Shies away from Austin, refusing to make eye contact.] Oh my. I just =96 oh dear... do you, do you want a drink or maybe a =96 [reaches over the bar for something, knocking a drink over in the process and spilling it all down Austin's front. Panicky] Oh my goodness, oh my goodness. I'm so sorry. Oh no, and look at your pretty clothes... [Tries to blot up the drink with a napkin.]

Sebastian: [looks at Smock, confused] Thank you, sister for that defense. [Looks at Alice knowingly, still speaking to Smock] Don't heed her harsh words, she is but upset that you have found your claws. She finally are competition, not just a child.

Marilee: [Rushes over to Faun and Austin] Oh dear. Don't fret Faun, darling. Let me help. [Places a reassuring hand on Faun's shoulder, and tries to help mop up the mess. To Austin.] Now maybe you have a good excuse to buy another stunning suit of clothes. Someone who dresses as fine as you, must delight in a new reason to shop. [smiles broadly at Austin]

Austin : [To Faun, taking hold of her hand and meeting her eyes if he can] Perhaps we could go somewhere a little more private, where you can help me clean up?

Hester : [Sighs, leaves Sebastian and goes back to her seat, takes a swig of her drink] Looser.

Austin : [Looks please with himself. To Marilee, slipping his other arm around her] Perhaps you could come with Faun and I and help me get cleaned up, somewhere a little more private?

Hester : [sighs]

Faun: [Meets Austin's glance and starts blushing furiously] I - I - I'm sorry I spilled that drink all over you!

Smock: [Stands a little taller at Sebastian's words, still looking at Alice] You're welcome.

Marilee: [Notices Hester. To Austin] Just a moment, dear. [Slips away from Austin and goes over to Hester] Oh Hess, honey. Don't let all this ruckus get you down. There's nothing to be upset about! You have a glorious job, in a glorious house. Cheer up, buckaroo!

Danvers : [Coldly] The drink is not elven urine. It is Louis XV. The highest quality brandy there is.

Sebastian: [Laughs merrily] Well done, sister! [Claps his hands together.] Your defiance appears to be just what I needed. [Pulls a small flute out of his bag and starts playing a jaunty tune while dancing around the room]

Georgia: [To Sebastian] Why, you play divinely too! Care to dance, sugar?

Smock: Well at least I'm not a dumb blonde who cares more about her shoes than common decency.

Austin : [Looks suspiciously at the Louis XV, then back to Faun, pulling her closer, looking into her eyes] No need to be shy with me, I'll be gentle.

Hester : [To Marylee, dryly] None of them have any money. [Goes back to her drink]

Sebastian: [Places the flute in his pocket, grabs Georgia's hands and starts spinning her while singing] a band of ladies fair and true refreshing as the morning dew offers comfort to a group of strangers before they put their life in dangers La Da de daa Ta tome ti ti Who there wants to comfort me? [falls down laughing, pulling Georgia with him]

Georgia: Why, Mr. Sebastian! Look at what a position we seem to have found ourselves in. [Laughs coyly, but doesn't move away a bit.]

Faun: Oh my, um... [Smiles nervously before glancing around for a little help. Avoiding eye contact] I - I - I think - yes, you'd, you'd be better pleased, oh, uh, I - I mean much happier with one of the other girls. Yes. [Still tries to clean up the mess, but can't do much held so close. Despairs a little] Oh...

Alice : [Smiles at Smock, putting on an irritating babyish voice] Oh, is the widdle baby using big words? [Back to her normal voice] Maybe I do care more about my shoes than I do about some guy I've never who threatened me and who now thinks that I'm his wife, but at least I'm not a liar.

Danvers : [Wraps the table hard] Stop everything!

[All the hookers stop.]

Danvers : Did I hear correctly? None of you have any money? Clint has no money!

Alice : [Suddenly looks at Faun] Faun? Montague de Comerford? Is that you? What are you doing here? In the Interior? In a whorehouse? In Austin's arms? [Checks her watch] At this time of night?

Sebastian: [From the floor, still laughing] None of you have any money? How was that going to work? [To Georgia] None of yous have any money. [giggles] That's funny. Isn't that funny?

Marilee: [To Danvers] Oh, but money isn't everything. Perhaps they can pay in other ways. [Tips her cowboy hat to Clint] Can you pay any other way, cowboy?

Lesley : [Who has been watching the whole exchange from a distance, and now sashays scarily across the room] She's just soooooo right, Mrs. D. I bet they could do all [emphasis] sorts of things for us girls.

Lesley Marche aux Pouces

Faun: [Quickly pushes Austin away. Eyes downcast, begins to play with her fringe, feebly trying to shield her face from Alice] I don't know who you're talking about ma'am.

Kat: [Hops off of Clint's lap] How DARE you enter into a bet with me without any money to make good! And what the hell are you doing in a whorehouse without any money, anyway?!

Chastity: [Watches the chaos fretfully. To Mrs. Danvers] Madame, we only wish to speak to this Mr. Fleabag and be on our way. We never intended to stay, I assure you. Now, where are the stairs?

Alice : Aw, come on! You surely remember me? Alice. Alice Bassett-Short? [Pulls her skirt up really high] Voted Girl Most Likely to Become a Hooker?

Danvers : [Calls out] Phlouxsie!

[All the hookers and ALICE turn to DANVERS.]

Danvers : No, Officer Phlouxsie.

[Enter OFFICER PHLOUXSIE, looking pretty mean, with her sword drawn.]

Davis : Hot damn! This just gets better and better!

Sebastian: [whispers loudly to Davis] Are they in terrible trouble now? That's wonderful! [continues giggling]

Georgia: [Suddenly icy, stands up] I'm sure I don't know what you mean.

Clint: [Placatingly, to Kat] Hey, you never said there were stakes! Besides, your friend is right. There's my hat, and I can pay in other ways... [Does a classy hip thrust]

Marilee: [To Clint, running her finger across the rim of the cowboy hat] You mean MY had, cowboy. [Winks at him]

Davis : [To Sebastian] God damn it boy, that's your wife and family, there! [Pours out a drink for himself and one for Sebastian] I sure do like your style.

Phlouxsie : [Pulls down her shades a little] You had better leave.

Alice : [To Faun] Come on, Faun! You know it's me. I need a favour, we need to borrow some mo-

Faun : Yes! Yes! It is me! Oh Alice, can you help me? I need to borrow some money!

Alice : [To the party] Gah.

Sebastian: [To Georgia] Awww...why are you getting huffy with me? I do have money. They [points to the group] them...right there...they are the ones that tricked you. Not me. [Opens his bag and gasps] Sir Archie!!! My God!!! Who put you in here?! [Laughs merrily, takes Sir Archie out and starts dancing again]

Georgia: [Perks up] Oh, my, what an adorable bear! [Dances with Sebastian again.]

Clint: No, I mean my hat. I don't do presents, lady.

Phlouxsie : Do you? [Steps forward and punches Sebastian, knocking him to the ground] Pay up, or I'll slice you in two.

Alice : Oh my god. I can't believe I'm going to say this, but, sigh. [Turns to Phlouxsie] Hey! [Draws her sword]

Harvey : [Also draws his sword] I say! He might be a soft lad who's even softer in the head, but he's with us, what!

Austin : [Eyes lighting up at the sound of a double-barreled damsel in distress. To Faun] My poor dear sweet girl! Why are you here? What great misforture has befallen you [Stops holding her so close and take her sincerely by the hands]

Sebastian: [Stops dancing for a moment. To Clint.] Actually, it's my hat. I let you borrow it. Don't you remember. In fact, everything you have on is mine. [To Marilee, bowing deeply] You can keep the hat, dear. [To Kat.] You can have his clothes for payment of your bet, but do please take him upstairs to claim them. I just don't want to see that. [Continues dancing with Sir Archie and Georgia]

Alice : [Angrily to Austin and Clint] Oh for God's sake! Will you two stop thinking with your little heads for one moment? And you heard, her, Austin, she has no money!

Phlouxsie : [Looks from Alice to Harvey with a smile] Either he pays up, or I'm going to break some legs, and then take the money.

Alice : [Defiantly] Our legs or someone else's?

Phlouxsie : Yours.

Clint: [Goes to help Sebastian as well] Yeah! Only [emphasis] we get to do that to him! [To Sebastian, annoyed] Even if he doesn't know when to keep his damn mouth shut.

Georgia: [Listens intently for the jingle of money while Sebastian dances]

[Just to be clear. SEBASTIAN is now on the ground, and each of ALICE, CLINT and HARVEY have swords drawn.]

Phlouxsie : Mrs. D., send for the reinforcements. [To the party] Now. Are you going to pay? Or are we going to kill you?

Sebastian: [Gets up off the ground, shaking his head] Did you NOT just here me offer to pay? I never said I wasn't going to! [Adjusts his jaw. Reaches into his bag and pulls out 50GP. Hands it to Danvers. Very gentleman-like.] Here you go, my Lady. [Bows sincerely] I apologize for the obvious misunderstanding.

Chastity: [Appalled] How dare you strike that sweet boy! [dashes to Sebastian's aid] What are you saying we owe?! We have merely entered this seedy establishment.

Phlouxsie : [To Sebastian] No, I didn't. [Turns and walks out]

Danvers : [Taking the money, and writing out a receipt for Sebastian] Thank you very much. [To Chastity] Fifty gold pieces sounds just about right.

Davis : Yeeha! [Fires off his hollerin' pistols some more, causing everyone to block their ears] This is the greatest whorehouse entertainment I've ever seen!

Lesely : [Putting her arm around Davis] And I haven't even started yet.

Sebastian: [Turns to Chasity] That's okay, Mother. Grandfather did make a bet...[Pauses. Confused. Looks down at Sir Archie, Back up at Chastity. His eyes widen. He reaches over for the drink Davis poured and downs it.]

Kat: [Eyeing Sebastian] How about a game of Cups, big spender?

Lesley : [Pushing passed Kat, making no attempt to disguise her masculine voice] I saw him first! Hey big boy, are ready for what I got?

Davis : [Takes off his hat and claps Sebastian on the back] Yeeeeha!

Sebastian: [Shots a wicked glance at Clint.] Cups?! I LOVE cups, it's clearly the ONLY best game! [Whispers to Kat] But why don't you go make good on your end of the bargain. [Nods at Clint] I fear his heart may be breaking, and only you can mend it. [Winks at Kat.]

Chastity: [To Sebastian] Thank you for saving us yet again, young man! Your kindness will not be forgotten [gives Alice a stern look]. [To Harvey] Now, Colonel, let us find this Mr. Fleabag at once!

Austin : [Disgustedly to Alice] I know she doesn't have any money, why else would she be in here? [To Faun] I can assure you my off of help is quite genuine, why don't you come with us, we'll look after you and take you back home when we leave.

Alice : [Puts her sword away] Oh for god's sake! Yeah, Seb, kindness is never forgotten in this party. [Gives Chastity an even sterner look]

Faun : [To Austin] Oh no, I know what it means to leave here with someone!

Sebastian: [Eyes Lesley warily. Walks over to Harvey] Yes, mother is right. We should get moving. [Whispers] Furthermore, that was the last of my money, and we don't want a repeat of the previous situation, do we?

Lesley : I'll show you where Fleabag is! But [points her not inconsiderable rear end at the party] Noooo touching!

Clint: [To Kat] What the hell's the matter with that freak, anyway?

Kat : That's what I want to know - you won the bet fair and square. [Emphasis] I'll show you upstairs.

Sebastian: [shrugs] Big boned?

Clint: [To Sebastian] Also, clearly gay, plus a cross-dresser. [To Kat, with a big grin] Lead the way, babe.

Sebastian: [Sits back down at the bar scribbles something on the back of his receipt. Walks over to Marilee and hands it to her.] My Lady, a token of my undying gratitude.

Marilee: [Takes the paper, reads it and squeals with delight. Immediately goes over to post it on the wall] That's wonderful! Look girls, we've been immortalized!

Lesley : [Calling after Clint] Oh, you don't fool me, honey. You'll be back, they always are. [Exit the party and KAT.]

[Book V, Act VIII, Scene III. The Stairway. ALICE, AUSTIN, CHASTITY, CLINT, SMOCK and SEBASTIAN are here, along with KAT. Enter JASMINE WONG, walking down the stairs.]

Jasmine : [Stepping up to Clint] Hi GI! Me love you long time!

Jasmine Wong

Clint: Sounds good to me, babe! [Takes a short step forward, then glances back at the party and sighs.] Umm, maybe later?

Austin : [To Jasmine] I'm sure thirty seconds will be quite enough for the 'Big General'. [Smirks]

Kat: [To Jasmine] Back off, bitch. I won him in a game of Nine-Card Millie!

Chastity: [Shocked] Language! [To Jasmine] Grammar!

Jasmine : Oooh! Big General! [Grabs Clint's crotch] Ooooooooh!

[Enter FLEABAG, a sleazy looking man wearing leather pants, and naked from the waist up.]

Fleabag : Well, well, what do we have here? [Sucks on his index finger] Hello, Pretties.


Clint: [Hastily] Ignore the lawyer. He's just jealous. [Channeling Duffman] Ooh yeah!

Jasmine : [Lets go of Clint and holds her hands up] Be my guest, Kit. [Turns to Sebastian] How about you, GI? You make love now, yes? Oh, oh, oh yes!

Clint: [Less nervously now that he's in no danger of being left with the Mid-size Corporal if Jasmine gets annoyed] He'd love to. [To Sebastian] You've been in a mood all day - be good for you. [Turns to Fleabag] Oh, you want the lawyer. [Gestures to Austin with a thumb]

Austin : [To Fleabag] I have no intrest in a sexual contract with you. We are here only to ask directions to Euphoria, the city and place. Can you help us get there?

Fleabag : [Gives Austin a sneery smile] Now, why would I want to do a thing like that?

Sebastian: [Scowls at Clint. To Jasmine] No thank you, dear. me ;;;with my nines!

Austin : [To Fleabag] You may want to help us save the world. If we don't get to Euphoria we can't get the elves to help us fight a war against the Four Horsemen, and if we can't do that then we'll loose and the first place the horsemen will come is here, to take over the interior. [Matter of factly] Simple.

Jasmine : Aw, what's wrong, GI? Shy? I can be gentle! [Does it more quietly this time] Oh, oh, ooooooh!

Fleabag : Well then, Simple, I guess you'd better come on in then, shouldn't you? [Gestures for the party to enter his room] We can't have those awful horsemen coming here, can we? I hear they're awful tippers.

Chastity: [To Fleabag, sweetly] If you can help us, our associate Mr. Sleaze can perhaps give you some grooming tips and samples.

Kat: [Scrutinizing Clint's crotch, perplexed] Big General?

Austin : The name is Austin Sleaze, thank you Mr Fleabag [Goes into Fleabags room] Do you have a map or something?

Clint: [To Kat] Oh, yeah. I'll be back in just a bit. Unless you want to come too? [Follows Austin and Fleabag.]

Sebastian: [Follows the other boys] I'm not sure I trust you brutes to get this right. [To Fleabag] Is Euphoria far, Mr. Bag? bounced back to me for "forbidden words."

Fleabag : [Still standing back, addressing Chastity] That's okay, Fish, I think he can give them to you instead.

Jasmine : [To Sebastian] Oh no, GI, you don't go with him, you go with me. You big boy, prefer girls, yes?

Fleabag : [To Sebastian] Please, Pretty, call me Fleabag. [Holds a hand up to Kat] Not you, Kit Kat. You're not allowed in here. Nor you, Jasmine.

Jasmine : Aw, come on, GI!

Fleabag : I mean it.

Jasmine : [Suddenly speaking in a very cultured accent] What dashed bad luck. [To Kat] I say, old girl, fancy a hand of cribbage while we wait? [The party enter FLEABAG's room, which is kitted out like an igloo. Everyone stops just inside the entrance, a little surprised.]

Fleabag : Come on, Pretties, let's warm the place up. [To Austin] No, Simple, I don't have a map.

Fleabag's Room

Clint: [Keeps as much distance from Fleabag as he can and still stay in the igloo. To Alice, quietly] There's something weird about this guy...

Sebastian: What a lovely room! Did you do this yourself or hire out? never used foul language in my life...but I do ;;;occasionally lie.

Fleabag : Thank you, Pretty. I hire it by the hour. Now, tell me all about saving the world.

Sebastian: [Off-handedly] Oh you know...typical stuff. Elves, evil horsemen, urine...that sort of thing. Actually, [Looks around for Harvey] I'm not the best to explain. [Eyes fall on Alice] Perhaps you could do a better job, dear.

Austin : [To Alice] Yes, please explain. Mr Fleabag appears to find my explanations overly simple. [Checks his nails casually]

Sebastian: [To Austin] Do you need a nail file? I think I have one in my bag. I don't mind a little dirt every now and again...but I just hate it when it collects under my nails. You can tell the breeding of a man by how well he keeps his hands.

Fleabag : [Gives Austin a wink] I don't find your explanations overly simple, I just find you simple. Nice and uncomplicated. That's how I like men.

Alice : It really is quite simple, though. Two thousand years ago, the Four Horsemen were Iok, Contagion, Pestilence and Boddy, but Boddy turned good and helped us defeat them, and even got a big scar saving Uncle Harvey that was so bad that all his soulmates have it too. Then, when they rode again, Dangsten took Iok's place by killing him, and Darius took Boddy's place, but he didn't kill him. In fact, they're soulmates, but seem to kind of hate each other, although Boddy did help him get resurrected that time. Anyway, we thought that Boddy was good and that Darius was bad, but then it turned out that Darius was good too, well, kind of, but he's really sneaky, so it's hard to know sometimes, and he claimed to have sold his soul to Phili, which sounds unlikely, but we've never actually seen him kill anyone, whereas Boddy has killed loads of people, sometimes without any reason, and he once even stabbed a woman in the eye because she told him not to smoke. Oh, and then Boddy turned out to be bad, well, kind of, because he was so heartbroken at killing Nicole to save us that he stole Dominique, who we accidentally killed, which made him really bad, and then he joined with Dangsten and Jerome, who was really good but then turned bad after he dived into the vat of Louis XVI in Euphoria and discovered the Path before the rest of us did, so they're kind of the three horsemen of the apocalypse now, because Contagion is stuck in a volcano and Pestilence fell into a pit of Placebium, but seemed to think that something would happen a hundred and eighty days later, which I think is about a hundred days from now. [Thinks for a moment] Hey! That's not simple at all!

Smock: [Adds brightly] So we're going to make an army!

Clint: Or, to make it really really simple: we need an army to stop a bunch of really really bad people.

Austin : [Lights up a cheesearette and blow some smoke rings]

Smock: [To Clint, shaking her head] No, that's not right. [Matter-of-factly] When you say it, you're supposed to grab him by the throat, shove him up against the wall and say "To make it simple, either you help us, or I'll rearrange your face", or some such other violent insinuation. [As an afterthought] But maybe you should wait until after he's refused to help.

Clint: [Dryly] Sorry, kid. I'll remember that for next time, okay?

Sebastian: [To Alice, politely] That was very thorough and useful, dear. Thank you for the effort. So basically we are one horeseman shy of a full deck of evil? [To Smock.] That was a good idea dear, but you are right. It's probably not a good idea to threaten someone you are asking for help. [To Fleabag] Will you help us?

Fleabag : Maybe, Pretty, but [wags a scolding finger at Smock] not if Short Round advocates poor old Fleabag getting treated roughly.

Alice : [Looks around] Hey! Where's Harvey?

Chastity: [To Alice] Right here, silly! [Lifts up the arm she's clutching only to see it belongs to a life-sized sex doll, not Harvey] NO! [Drops the doll in horror and looks around frantically] Colonel?!

Sebastian: Was he with us when we left the main room? I don't remember seeing him. [To Sir Archie] Have you seen him? [To the group] Maybe he's just sharing old war stories with the ladies, shall I go fetch him?

Sir Archie: [Still looks frazzled from his bag-imprisonment]

Smock: [Smiles sweetly at Fleabag] Well, if you're a good boy then you won't have to worry about a thing! [Excitedly.] Ooo yay! Hide and seek! Harvey? Where are you? [Goes exploring the room, looking behind the penguins and under the table.]

Austin : [Looks very concerned, urgently to the party] Where is the colonel? We must go and find him now, he could be in grave danger! [Pauses at the door, waiting for the others Calls out the door] Colonel! Are you there? Last from Dom #30

Fleabag : [Licks his lips as he addresses Smock] Fleabag is never a good boy, Short Round, but if he's a pissed off boy, you'll never find Euphoria, you'll never save the world, and everyone you've ever known will die.

Alice : Forget about everyone we've ever knowing dying! Where's Harvey?

[HARVEY clearly isn't in the room.]

Chastity: [Ignoring Fleabag. Heads toward the door] Perhaps he's just outside this door. [Hopefully] You know how sometimes he won't turn a knob that doesn't meet army regulations? Maybe he's lecturing the doorknob.

Alice : [Nods] That must be it. I mean, it's not like Uncle Harvey's the kind to go around drinking wine out of a prostitute's shoe. ### Believe it or not, Harvey once admitted to doing this - in his younger days ### of course.

Sebastian: [Puts a protective arm around Smock's shoulders, looking warily at Fleabag, but speaking politely] Don't mind my sister, she just gets excited. You didn't mean to threaten the nice man, did you dear? [To Alice] We should go look for him. [Backs toward the door, trying to bring Smock with him]

Clint: Maybe he's busy with Leslie?

Austin : [Turns to Fleabag] Short round? That seems familiar, [To Smock] Isn't that what Nigel, or 'Mr Boddy', calls you? Nigel, Nigel, Nigel. Hmmm. [Looks out of the door once more] Colonel! Are you there?

Sebastian: Well, yelling out the door doesn't seem to be doing the trick. I'm sure he's just telling stories to the ladies...and I can certainly help with that. I'll just go get him. I'll need your help, sister. [Tries to leave the room, taking Smock if she'll go with him.]

Chastity: [To Sebastian, scolding] He isn't telling stories to the ladies! The Colonel wouldn't have anything to do with such women.

Sebastian: [paues in his attempted exit to address Chastity] He has learned many lessons about life that he could pass on to the enlighten them. They could learn a lot from so fine an elder man. I meant no disrespect. I'm sure he communes with them in a most pure and fatherly manner.

Chastity: [Nods approvingly] True, the Colonel has learned, over the years, to be kind to those lacking his moral rectitude and self-discipline [sweetly smiles at Alice].

Clint: Unlike, say, yourself.

Chastity: [Sweetly, to Clint] That's right, Mr. Scar. I am nothing like those sloppy heathens the Colonel pities [pats at Clint pointedly, not quite touching him].

Sebastian: [To Chastity] Would you like to accompany to go find him? I'm sure we will find my prediction to be true. A grand life like his should not just sit out in the ether. [Gets a far-away look in his eyes] It should be retold...perhaps in a song. [Focus snaps back to Chastity] I'd really love to hear his tales of adventure.

Alice : [To Chastity] Well, not any more, you're not. Not after his kindness about your moral rectitude and self-discipline. Why don't we all go and look for him? The last thing we want is to get split up even further.

Austin : [Nods in agreement with Alice] Indeed, Alice, we should not split up further, or 'from within it consumes' will happen, just as it did to Faern. Let's go and find the colonel before it's too late.

Fleabag : You said it, Simple. You and [nods at Alice] Link need to stick together. ### Alice has been referred to by many NPCs as "the link" between good and evil, ### particularly at times when the rest of the party were accused of being evil

Sebastian: [To Alice, gesturing toward the door] Shall we then? Ladies, first.

Alice : [A little suspicious] Okay. [Heads out into the corridor] Hm. No sign of anyone here.

Austin : [Follows close behind Alice, whispering] I hope he's okay, I need to change my shirt.

Alice : If it isn't clean, then don't stand so close to me! [To the others] What now?

Smock: We find Harvey. Duh! [Starts heading back the way they came up, calling] Harvey!

Clint: Yeah, I suppose we do. Course, he might be busy, you know. Wouldn't want to disturb him.

Fleabag : My, my, Short Round, you were always very loud, weren't you? Why don't you go back downstairs and ask Mrs. Danvers where he is?

Chastity: [To Fleabag, suspiciously] What do you mean, Smock was always very loud? How did YOU know she was always very loud? Have we met before?

Sebastian: [To Smock, gently] Is there something about your past that may help us in our quest, little sister? Or perhaps some tragic event? I'd like to help, if I can.

Smock: You're not allowed to call me Short Round, mister! Only Darius is since Boddy went and turned evil.

Smock: [To Sebastian] I never met elves or been to the middle of the world or seen this weird looking guy [gestures at Fleabag] before in my life. But Harvey did say that he'd help me find my parents, so we better go save him!

Sebastian: [His eyes fill with tears momentarily] You can't find your parents? How horrid! Don't worry dear, we'll help you. [Puts a protective arm around Smock's shoulders. To the group] Let's try near the bar. The ladies seem to gather there.

Smock: Really? That would be awesome! But don't be sad. I haven't seen them for years so I'm mostly used to it. You're so lucky that Harvey and Chastity are your parents. They're both heroes which means you're bound to be one too!

Sebastian: And my sister is a hero, too! So that helps as well. Now let's go find the General so we can get on with saving the world.

Fleabag : [Does a pretend wince of pain at Smock's words] Ooooh, that hurts. Boddy's turned evil? [Shakes his head] People never change, Short Round.

Alice : [Gives Sebastian a curious look, before glancing at Clint's trousers, and then looking to Sebastian] It's not the General we're looking for, it's the Colonel.

[The party head back down stairs, and into the lounge. This time it is just MRS. DANVERS and another man that the party haven't seen before, PIGGY OPP, who is sitting at a table on his own.]

Danvers : [Looks at the party with a steely glaze] That was quick.

Piggy Opp

Sebastian: [To Alice, avoiding her eyes] Yes, of course you're right, I'm sorry. [To Danvers] Sorry to bother you again, madam. But have you by chance seen the older gentleman who arrived with us? The General? We seem to have mislaid him somewhere.

Smock: Ew! [To Fleabag] That guy's even more creepy than you! And stop calling me that. [To Danver] We lost Harvey, ma'am. We have to find him before we can start!

Clint: [Hastily] She means we need to find Harv before Fleabag tells us how to get to Euphoria. Have you seen him? Old guy, about so high, can't miss him.

Chastity: [Scolding] The Colonel is NOT old. [To Danvers] He's distinguished and quite noble in bearing, with a commanding presence.

Smock: He is so old - like you, Chastity. [To Danvers] And he tells lots of stories and he's a natural leader and he's a hero just like us.

Alice : Because remember, Chas. It's not how old you look, it's how old you behave that matters.

Danvers : [Shrugs] I don't remember.

[PIGGY slides off his chair and onto the floor.]

Smock: But we were just here! [Glances at Piggy.] Um, is that guy all right?

Danvers : [Shrugs] He's fine. [Looks closely at Smock and then at the rest of the party] Maybe you're some way familiar.

Chastity: [Icily, to Danvers] Quite impossible. We would never frequent a place like this. [Considers Clint, Alice, and Austin] Well, not ALL of us, anyway. [To Piggy, politely] Young man, are you ill?

Danvers : [Permits herself a thin smile] Sure you wouldn't.

Piggy : Mumble. [Dribbles up some]

Chastity: [Examines Piggy with concern. To Danvers] What has happened to this man?!

Danvers : It looks like he fell off his seat.

Clint: He probably just let Leslie get a hold of him or something. Friggin' weirdo!

Sebastian: [To Danvers] You don't remember seeing hte General leave? [Walks over to Piggy] Maybe someone should help him up. [extends a hand to Piggy. To Piggy, speakly slowly and deliberately] Would you like a hand up, young man?

Danvers : I have no idea who you're talking about. Nor, it seems, do you. Is he [looks at Smock] old? [Looks to Chastity] Or not? [To Sebastian] A general? [To Chastity again] Or a colonel?

[PIGGY says nothing, and just sits there with a vacant look.]

Chastity: [Snaps at Danvers] He clearly fell out of the chair because he is quite ill! Do your [finger quotes] ladies have dreadful social diseases they're passing on to innocent weak men?!

Clint: He's an old colonel. Ignore the nun - you know how nuns are. Never can trust a nun, you know.

Danvers : [Nods at Clint's words] Quite. [To Chastity] No. Do your ladies have dreadful social diseases?

Austin : [Steps forward] Mrs. Danvers. I apologise for any confusion. Perhaps you could tell us if anyone has left in the last few minutes?

Danvers : No.

Austin : You can't tell us or no one has left?

Danvers : The second.

Sebastian: [looks sadly at Piggy, then turns back to Danvers] Is Marilee around? Or Georgia? I'm sure they'd remember the [pauses thinking very hard] uh... our elder companion.

Danvers : They are upstairs. Would you like to see them?

Sebastian: Mostly we just want to find the General. Do you think he may be up there with them?

Danvers : What General?

Clint: [Irritably] He means the Colonel. The old guy. We just went over this!

Alice : [To Danvers] He's an idiot. He knows full well that Harvey's a colonel.

Danvers : Then I guess you'll want to go upstairs.

Sebastian: [Calmly. To Alice] I am not an idiot. I know full well that Harvey's a general. I don't have to be told 500 times, thank you very much. [To Danvers] We'd like to go upstairs to find General Harvey, if that will be all right with you.

Alice : [Calmly to Sebastian] Either you're an idiot or you're trying to annoy us, in which case you're an idiot. You've already been told that Harvey is a Colonel. But yes, [dismissively waves her hand] you've got amnesia, it's all very convenient.

Danvers : [Coolly watching the exchange] No problem. That will be fifty GP please.

Sebastian: [shrugs to Alice. To Danvers] To go upstairs and look for our companion? That's outrageous. 5 GP.

Danvers : Fifty.

Chastity: [Infuriated] That's absurd!

Danvers : [Calmly] That's the price you must pay. [Short pause] For non-diseased girls.

Sebastian: [walking over to the bar and ordering a drink] We don't want diseased or non-diseased girls. We just want to find the General. Certainly one of us can go upstairs for 5 GP.

Danvers : [Doesn't hand out a drink] This is not up for discussion. The cost to go upstairs is 50GP. If you wish to pay, you may have a drink. If not, you can leave.

Smock: Stuff this! [Attempts to go back upstairs to find Harvey.] [SMOCK gets to the door leading to the stairs and discovers that it is locked.]

Danvers : Officer Phlouxsie will be most pleased.

Smock: [Ignoring Danvers] Clint! There's a door here that needs a-kicking.

Sebastian: [Goes over to Smock and places his arm around her neck. Whispers into her ear] Patience, little sister. We'll find him.

Smock: [Frowns at Sebastian] Not if she kicks us out we won't! We haven't got time for patience! [Slips away from Sebastian and starts banging on the door.] Harvey! Come down here! We have to go!

Sebastian: [Shoots a worried glance at the party, then breaks out into a jaunty song, grabbing Smock's hand, trying to get her to dance with him.] Harvey! Come down here, we wish you weren't there we miss you so and really want to go Harvey! Come down here, we are feeling fear we worry about you and aren't sure what to do.

Smock: Let go of me! [Pulls away from Sebastian] Why aren't you helping? It's not the time for dancing. We have to rescue Harvey! [Looks to the others for back up.]

Sebastian: [shoots Smock a warning look, then laughs] Oh dear, sister. [moves in closes and, whispers in her ear] I'm trying to provide a distraction, dear. Please play along.

[Enter OFFICER PHLOUXSIE, OFFICER O'SEXY, OFFICER MCBOOTS, OFFICER BARBIE, OFFICER SHELLEY and OFFICER SINDY. The other officers are all dressed in the same manner as PHLOUXSIE, and they all have their weapons drawn.]

Danvers : [Points at Smock and Sebastian] They are causing a disturbance.

Austin : [Straightening his tie] Good evening ladies, [bends down to Piggy] this gentleman appears to be ill. [Does a quick but discreet search of Piggy's pockets]

Offier McBoots

Offier McBoots

Offier Barbie

Offier Shelley

Offier Sindy

Sebastian: [To Danvers] That was NOT a disturbance. You have just been honored by the performance art of the Amazing Sebastian Smock. [Holds his hand out to Danvers with a completey straight face] That'll be 50 GP, please.

Phlouxsie : [To Sebastian] You again, eh? Some people never learn. [Pokes her sword into Sebastian's back, but not breaking the skin or damaging his shirt] You can either leave quietly, or we can take you out.

Map correct place

Clint: [Annoyed] Only if you get Harv out too. And stop poking the poet.

Smock: [Obviously not intimidated by Phlouxsie] Yeah! We just want Harvey back. We've got other places to be anyway!

Clint: We're not done with that whackjob upstairs, are we?

Sebastian: [Turns to face his poker] Oh dear, now we've gotten the law involved in our little performance. The elder member of our party seems to have gone astray. While we awaited his return, my sister and I thought we would entertain our lovely host. I apologize for any inconvenience we may have caused. [Bows deeply]

Danvers : [To Phlouxsie] He's a liar. They tried to get upstairs for free.

Phlouxsie : [Looks at Danvers for a moment] Who or what is a Harvey?

Danvers : I suspect it's another lie. They alternately claim he's a general and a colonel, and that he's young and he's old.

Phlouxsie : [To the party] Either you pay to go upstairs, or you leave. Now.

Smock: We're not leaving without Harvey! Besides, we already paid.

Chastity: [Wringing her hands] But I have no money! I am a handmaiden of Phili and have made vows of poverty! [Turns out her pockets, revealing only sewing implements and tea towels. Pitifully] Can you not let a poor nun go and search for an aging Colonel? We'll be right on our way after we find him, we promise!

Danvers : [Unimpressed at this emotionalism] I don't care. However, your friend has paid, so you may go upstairs.

Sebastian: [Claps his hands together gleefully] Splendid! Now we can go find the old Colonel! [To Smock] See how things work out, sister. All we had to do was pay the nice lady and we got what we wanted. That's an important lesson for you to learn. Perhaps you should write that down in your book.

Smock: [Beams] You're the best, Austin! [Grabs his hand and heads for the door. To Danvers] Are you gonna unlock it then, or what?

Austin : [Letting himself be lead] I know.

Danvers : No.

Smock: [Nods at Sebastian. Writes in the back of her book] 'To get what you want, pay off someone in authority'. [To Danvers, irritated] What do you mean 'no'? We just paid you!

Sebastian: [Clearly hurt by Smock's rejection, To Sir Archie] It looks like it's just me and you again. [To Danvers] We do have your permission to go upstairs and look for our companion, correct?

Sir Archie: [Eyes glisten with what appear to be tears]

Sebastian: [To Smock] Now, dear. Don't lose your temper. A young lady always knows when to use her anger. Write that down. and I sent those at the same time. I though ;;;Smock was intentionally snubbing Seb. Kids these ;;days, you know?

Smock: [Goes to write something, before having second thoughts.] I'm not writing that! It sounds like something Chastity would say. --- F \ No newline at end of file

Clint: Nonsense! A temper is a terrible thing to keep! Anyway, maybe some of you should stay downstairs and look for Harv outside or something, while the rest of us go upstairs and look for him there? We can't be paying that much cash every time we go through the door. [Tries the door]

[The door is now open, and CLINT easily pushes it in. Exit the party through the door.]

[Book V, Act VIII, Scene IV. The Stairway. ALICE, AUSTIN, CHASTITY, CLINT, SMOCK and SEBASTIAN are here. The only door down here is the one the party came through, while there were five more upstairs.]

Austin : [Putting away the receipt he got from Danvers] Ah, another one for the collection.

Smock: Well, at least you're still the same, Austin. Sebastian's turned into Chastity, and Clint has sense and poetry now. Next Alice is gonna be kicking doors down and Chastity will be hitching up her skirt!

Chastity: [Appalled] I will do no such thing! [Looks around and calls out] Colonel?! Are you in the thrall of some tawdry fancy woman??

Austin : And you, dear Smock, are ever your exhuberant self. [Looks around] I suggest we start randomly opening doors.

Clint: What doors? [To Smock] And I'm not a poet, kid. Try not to be so offensive!

Austin : I'm sure there are more rooms upstairs other than Mr. Fleabag's one.

Sebastian: [Nods approval] And hopefully just as finely decorated. Let's try this one. [Gently knocks on whatever door is closest to him. Softly speaks to whoever may be inside] Sorry to disturb, is there an elder military man in there?

Chastity: [To Smock, daintily gesturing to Sebastian] Why can't you be more like your brother?!

Clint: [Irritably] Don't tell me you're buying into this fantasy too, Chas? Is everyone else here going crazy? [To Sebastian] Why don't we try my way of finding Harv... [Knocks loudly on the door, waits a sec, then tries it.]

Alice : Oh my God, Clint - it seems like you're the only other sensible one here, and that's really, really scary!

[There's no answer, so CLINT tries it, and finds that it's open. The room is decorated with all sorts of "Flatman" paraphenalia. "Flatman" is a popular children's superhero from comics, who's superpower is that he can turn himself into a stain. HESTER is here, wearing a tight leather Flatwoman outfit.]

Hester : Miaow.

Hester's Room

Sebastian: [To Clint] There's nothing wrong with fantasies. Ask any of the ladies working here. [To Chastity] I don't have a brother.

Clint: [Trying to be charming but actually just leering] Well, hello there. We've lost the old man we came in with. You haven't seen him, have you?

Hester : Why don't you come in and search me?

Chastity: [To Hester, primly] No, thank you [attempts to pull Sebastian and Smock back out of the room by their collars].

Clint: Chas, Harv could be hiding in the closet, or under the bed, or something like that. We'll have to search! You do want to find Harv, right?

Smock: [To Sebastian] But what about Austin? [To Chastity, trying to reclaim her collar, whilst excitedly glancing about the decorated room.] Yeah, Chastity! He could be anywhere. We better look at all of it... [To Clint, gleefully] Look at all the cool stuff she has!

Clint: Believe me, I'm looking.

Smock: [Breaking away from Chastity, runs into the room and starts pressing buttons and playing with action figures.] Uh. Harvey! Are you in here?

Chastity: [To Clint, scolding] Keep your eyes on the task at hand, Mr. Scar. Mr. Sleaze, why don't you assist him? The children [gestures to Smock and Sebastian] really shouldn't be part of this wickedness [whips up two tea towel blindfolds for Smock and Sebastian].

Chastity: [To Clint, scolding] Keep your eyes on the >task at hand, Mr.

Sebastian: [Does not take a blindfold. To Chastity.] I am NOT a children! [To Hester] I'm sorry to bother you, dear. [To Smock.] Eyes on the prize, little sister. Don't get distracted. A true hero must always stay on point. Write that down. [His eye catches a particularly fascinating gadget.] Ooooo, pretty.

Clint: [Ostensibly searching the room, but really just ogling Hester.] He's right, kid. A hero always know the best place to look.

Smock: [Pushes an action figure doll into Sebastian's hand] Here! You be his sidekick, Thrush, [smiles] and I'll be Flatman [holds up another action figure.]

Alice : [To Sebastian] Maybe she just meant the people who act like children?

Hester : [Gives Smock a withering look, before turning back to the party] Make her stop, or I'll call security. There is no Harvey here.

Sebastian: [Firmly to Smock] No, dear. We must find Harvey. A good hero never leaves a man down. He may be in trouble and it's up to us to save him. He's counting on us. Perhaps Miss Hester will allow you to come back in and play later. [Eyes Clint mischieviously] If she isn't playing already.

Hester : [Holds out her hand] Either give me the receipt that you got, or get out of my room.

Sebastian: [Backs out of the room attempting to take Smock with him] He's clearly not here, dear. We should keep trying somewhere else.

Clint: [Reluctantly follows Sebastian.] I suppose he could be in another room. [To Hester] Sorry babe. Maybe later.

Smock: [Frowns. To Hester] Spoil sport. [Lets Sebastian lead her out, turning to poke her tongue at Hester as they get into the hall.] All right. Let's try this one. [Knocks loudly on another door and tries the handle before waiting for a response.]

Alice : [As Smock is heading over to the next door] Receipt? Did we get a receipt? Austin, do you have a receipt? Did we get a receipt the first time? I don't remember seeing a receipt. Do any of you remember seeing a receipt? I don't think we got a receipt.

[The door downstairs opens, and MRS. DANVERS pokes her head in.]

Danvers : Stop saying receipt!

Sebastian: [Sweetly To Alice] Who's acting like a child now? At least Smock is trying to help find Harvey. Not standing around saying "receipt" at the doors hoping to magically open them. [Looks at the downstairs door.] Oh, I guess it worked on that one. [To Smock] Any luck with that door, dear?

Alice : I think you're acting like a child by trying to score cheap points against me when I am trying to find Harvey by establishing what Hester meant by us having got a receipt. I wasn't talking to the doors, I was talking to the party, although I can see how talking to you would be about as useful as talking to a door.

Austin : I got a receipt.

[SMOCK opens the door, hitting someone on the other side with it, causing them to give a cry of pain.]

Smock: [Peers in] Oy! Whadda ya doin' standing in front of the door?

[SMOCK looks in, and quickly steps back, looking a little pale. Enter LESLEY MARCHE AUX POUCES.]

Lesley : Well now, look who it is. Ready for some loving, darlings? [To Smock] What about you, Sweetie?

Smock: [Looking a bit green] Ew! You're gross!

Lesley : Oh, you don't fool me, honey. I've seen your type before, banging my door down to get in, then acting all coy when we meet. It's nothing to be ashamed of. [Rubs her hands all over her (own!) body]

Clint: [Hastily] Sebastian, why don't you look for Harv in there. I'll try the next room.

Smock: [Shudders and steps back from Lesley, toward Clint] I'm sure if you were that insane you wouldn't know how to feel ashamed... We're just looking for Harvey. [Apprehensively] You haven't got him in there have you?

Lesley : Oooh! Frisk me officer! [Puts her hands up, causing everyone, even Clint to lean back from the overpowering body odour]

Clint: [Backs away and, if possible slams the door shut on his way out.] If Harv's in there, we don't want him back!

Lesley : [Blocking the door from shutting with one of her suspiciously huge feet] Oh, come now, Clint. You know what they say about girls with big feet, don't you?

Alice : That they have big penises?

Lesley : [Does a finger gun at Alice] Click-click!

Clint: In that case, you definitely want the lawyer.

Sebastian: [Knocks on another door] What's behind door number 3?

Austin : What for, Mr. Scar? To write up a prenuptial agreement for you?

[A muffled "Go away" comes from behind the door.]

Sebastian: [Whispering to the group.] Try another one? What if that's Harvey and he's being held hostage? How tragic! We must save him. He sounded like he was in pain. They must be torturing him.

Alice : Who? The [sarcastically] general? [To Clint] Maybe you should try knocking harder?

Sebastian: [To Alice, speaking slowly as if she were a child, but clearly making fun of himself] No. Harvey. You know...the Colonel. [Smiles good-naturedly and winks at Alice] I'd think you of all people would know that. [Scoffs to Sir Archie] General, indeed.

Sir Archie: [Looks at Alice with what appears to be intense hatred]

Clint: If you insist. [Knocks much harder, then tries the door.]

Sebastian: [whispers to Clint] I'm a little confused. Are Smock and they...[struggles for the words] She seems think he hung the moon and decorated the sky with the stars. [Hesitates, and continues gently] They're not...[trails off shaking his head]

Clint: [Disgusted] She's just a kid! Of course Smock and Austin aren't poking the poet! Sicko.

Sebastian: But she's not a kid, she's a young woman...[unsure] isn't she?

Alice : Yes! Yes she is! [Gives a big sigh of relief] Thank you!

[CLINT opens the door, to find that GEORGIA CAROLINA is there. The party can clearly see into her room, which appears to be done up like the interior of a pyramid. There seems to be someone in her bed.]

Georgia : Why, Mister Scar! Bless my soul! [Fans herself with her hand] You do give a girl the vapours.

Georgia's Room

Sebastian: Georgia, you look as lovely as ever! [Gets a small tear in the corner of his eye] And this room! [Sighs heavily] Oh, how I miss Egypt. [To Sir Archie] We had a splendid time there, didn't we. [To Georgia, puts his fist up under his chin, and points slightly with his finger] I don't suppose that would be the older gentleman that arrive with us, [hopefully] would it?

Clint: No offense, babe, but I really don't want to hear about your gas problems. You got Harv in there with you?

Georgia : Harvey? The Colonel? Uh [glances back at the bed] Ah sure don't, honey.

Smock: [Points at the bed accusingly] Then who's that?!

Georgia: [Gasps indignantly.] Why Miss Smock, a lady never talks about what goes on in her boudoir.

Smock: And I don't want to know about your 'goings on'. I just want to make sure you're not hiding Harvey in here! I can understand how you'd want to steal him and all, [crosses her arms] but he's on our team, and Chastity is in love with him besides.

Georgia: The Colonel seems like a nice man, sugah, but Ah'd never have another woman's man with me without a chaperone. Can't help ya - he's not here.

Sebastian: [Gasps and turns to Chastity] Forbidden love! How tragic!

Chastity: [Flustered] Nonsense! He is only a dear, respected friend! [Shrilly, to the person-sized lump in the bed] Colonel, if you're under there kindly do me the courtesy of staying there! [stomps out of the room, fuming]

Sebastian: [To Georgia, bowing] Sorry to disturb you, Miss Georgia. [To the Group as he leaves the room] Let's try another one. [To Clint, with a significant glance toward Alice] Are you ready to do more rough manly knocking on doors?

Georgia : I say again, my friends, there is no dear, dear Colonel here.

Alice : I hope he is, because we can hardly rely on you to do anything manly. [To the party in general] Is that it? We're not even going to check?

Sebastian: [To Alice, looking after Chastity with a look of concern] If you want something done, dear, do it yourself. Don't rely on others. Their agenda may not be the same as yours, after all. [To Smock] Write that down dear...although, you don't seem to have a problem with spontaneous action, do you?

Smock: [Loudly as she leaves the room] I guess that means we'll have to finish off that lovely buffet the girls have prepared downstairs by ourselves. Honeyed locusts... snakes feet... pickled grubs....

Smock: [To Sebastian] No, sir! [Writes] 'Do whatever you want, no matter what everyone else thinks'.

Sebastian: Snakes feet? Does our Colonel have a taste for the unusual? Perhaps we should have looked closer in Lesley's room. [To Smock] Which door do you think we should try next?

Smock: Ummm. This one! [Bangs on another door then tries the handle.]

Clint: [Upset] Hey kid, that's my job!

Smock: Oh yeah, oops! [Quickly backs away from the door to let Clint take the lead.] But you've been opening them so nice lately. Can't you kick one down? [Looks up at Clint with puppy dog eyes.]

[There's no answer from that room, and the door is locked.]

Alice : [Looks at Sebastian with barely concealed contempt] I guess your agenda might be different to ours after all. Come on Clint. [To Georgia] Sorry, Georgia, but we've got to be sure.

Georgia : Why, Miss Alice, I do declare that [Alice pushes her aside] Mmmmf!

Clint: [Shrugs and follows Alice into Georgia's room.] Harv? That you? [Pulls at the covers.]

[Beneath the covers is OHMLOSS HECKLER, an elf from Paranoia. He is in the same sort of spaced out state that PIGGY from downstairs was.]

Georgia : Why, Mister Scar, if that isn't just the rudest thing that I ever did see!

Ohmloss Heckler ### The party met Ohmloss several times in Paranoia, and he was ### extremely racist, treating all humans as though they were a lower ### form of life. That he's here, in a human brothel is very surprising. ### Elves prided themselves on how small their genitalia is compared to ### humans, and treated humans as savages because of how much time ### and effort they put into having sex.

Ohmloss Heckler ### The party met Ohmloss several times in Paranoia, and he was ### extremely racist, treating all humans as though they were a lower ### form of life. That he's here, in a human brothel is very surprising

Clint: [Scratching himself] Really? [Shakes his head, then looks at Ohmloss distastefully] What's a nice broad like you doing with a jackass like him? Hell, what's a jackass like him doing in a human whorehouse?!

Georgia : I'm sure I don't know what you mean, Mr. Scar. Many elves enjoy our services. Ever since The Change.

Austin : [Sliding up to the bed] The Change?

Georgia : Then Change.

Clint: You mean, they found out that sex is fun? About bloody time!

Georgia : Amongst other things.

Sebastian: Miss Georgia, what seems to be the matter with him? Is he ill?

Clint: He just got laid, for cryin' out loud. If you're ever so lucky, the same thing'll happen to you.

Sebastian: [frowns] That doesn't seem right. [To Carolina] Do they all act this way?

Georgia : Oh, Mr. Sebastian, I'm sure I don't know! It's not like I've been with all of them!

Alice : Well, how about the ones you have been with?

Georgia : [Thinks for a moment] I guess they do.

Sebastian: [To Alice] Is that normal? [Gets a horrified look on his face, and covers his mouth] What if it's the plague? Ms. Danvers swore there was no disease! stupor? I admit, I'm not up on my elf ;;;sex-lore.

Alice : I don't know! [Thinks] Maybe it's because he drank the brandy. party has seen

Sebastian: [gasps] But...I drank the brandy. I seem to be perfectly normal.

Clint: [Starts laughing uncontrollably]

Alice : [Struggling not to laugh] What about all those awful pimples on your face that have appeared in the last few minutes?

Sebastian: [Feels of his face, the gives a sigh of relief] Thanks goodness. But even so, outer beauty is not as important as beauty of the soul. I am luckier than others, [gives a significant look to Alice] I have both.

Clint: Yeah, whatever. Anyway, Harv's not here, so let's get on with it, shall we? We've got to talk to Fleabag, and then what's-her-name and I have some quality time scheduled, and then we've got to raise an army. You can argue about this "inner beauty" crap later! [To Georgia] See ya around, babe.

Sebastian: [Gives Clint a small smile, under his breath] Sure, because we know where you stand. [To Georgia, bowing again deeply] Farewell, Miss Georgia...a True Beauty.

Alice : Wow, Seb, you sure do a good job of disguising that inner beauty, don't you?

Georgia : Y'all be sure to come back, right? [The party head back out into the hall, and discover that DAVIS JEFFERSON is here, lying on the ground.]

Clint: This is getting ridiculous! [Checks to see if Davis is okay.]

[CLINT turns DAVIS over, and sees that he has the same vacant look that the other two did.]

Austin : [Looking through Ohmloss' wallet] Interesting.

Clint: Might as well give him to someone... [Drags Davis' body down to Leslie's door, knocks, and moves (quickly!) down the hall back to the group]

Sebastian: [To Clint] Should we not have searched him? [To Austin] What's interesting?

Austin : [Holds up Ohmloss' police ID badge] Paranoid Elven police must show their penis size on their ID badges. [Takes a card out of the wallet and looks at it] Hm.

[As soon as CLINT tries to knock on the door, it opens. Enter LESLEY.]

Lesley : Well, what a surprise. I knew you'd be back. They always come back.

Smock: [While Clint 'distracts' Lesley, searches Davis, trying her best to copy what Austin did.]

Sebastian: [Noticing Smock's attempted burglery. To Lesley] Lesley, dear b--GIRL. How are you? Clint was just saying how much he missed you! He's quite fond of you.

Clint: [Outraged, splutters angrily] Damn deranged lunatics! Ignore him. He's out of his mind. We just wanted you to take care of this poor man. [Shoves Davis in on Lesley.] He looks like he needs your expert care.

Smock: [Hastily taking her hands out of Davis' pockets as Clint shoves him at Lesley] Oy! I was using that!

Sebastian: [To Smock] Are you alright, dear? Sorry ;;;Tom. He was just trying to provide a distraction.

Lesley : [To Clint] Come on, honey, there's nothing to be embarrassed about!

Smock: [To Sebastian] Not while it's around [glances at Lesley]

Clint: Yeah, sure. Just take care of this guy. [Tries to escape while the getting's good.]

Lesley : [Rubbing herself against the side of the door] Oh, baby!

Alice : [Shielding her eyes] Please Clint! Either go in with her or get rid of her!

Lesley : Uh uh, Lover Boy, he's already been taken care of!

Smock: No, wait! [Goes after Davis again.]

Lesley : I knew it! [Slams the door shut after Smock]

Clint: [To Alice, hesitantly.] Would it be that bad? Do we have to go in after her?

Alice : [Confused] Well, she did seem keen to get in there, didn't she?

Chastity : Oh hush your evil ways, you two! She's just a child!

Alice : [Mouthing the words to show how frustrated she is] She's sixTEEN!

Austin: And therefore a minor. It would be criminal to leave her alone with that creature. Not to mention poor form [glances pointedly at Clint before trying the door.]

Clint: [Reluctantly] I suppose you're right. [Loudly] You okay in there, kid?

Sebastian: [Tries to open the door, if not, then bangs on it] Are you okay?! Come out of there. Real heroes don't do this.

Alice : [With surprise] A minor? I don't think so, Austin. Age of consent, and all that. We probably should get her out, though. [Sighs] It's like having Faetan back again. [There's no answer from the door, although a previously unnoticed red light above the door comes on.] ### Faetan? Ex-party member who often ran into dangerous situations and needed to ### be rescued.

Sebastian: [Tries to open the door, if not, then bangs on it] Are you okay?! Come out of there. Real heroes don't do this.

Sebastian: [Desperately, to Austin] Can't you.... [Makes a key-turning motion in front of the door.]

Clint: If it's worth doing, it's worth doing right! [Flexes his door-kicking foot and gives it a shot.] [CLINT gives the door a kick, but it is very, very solid. Enter FLEABAG, from his own room. He leans against the doorway with a smile playing about his lips.]

Fleabag : My, my, Big General. Keen to see Lesley?

Austin: [To Alice] She may be of the age to give consent, but she is still a minor, and our responsibility. And I am yet to be convinced that consent was given. [Attempts to pick the lock on the door. To Fleabag] Mister Scar may be so wretchedly desperate, however, we are currenly attempting to rescue Miss Smock who was taken against her will.

[To AUSTIN's dismay, there is no lock to pick.]

Fleabag : Is that so, Simple? [Big smile] I don't think Short Round ever does anything that Short Round doesn't want to do.

Sebastian: How do you know that? Have you met her before?

Austin: In this instance there was the element of a trap.

Alice : [Gives Austin a curious look] Yeah, Lesley made her steal from Davis. She learned that from you, you know!

Fleabag : [To Sebastian] I know lots of things, Pretty.

Sebastian: She went in the room to look for something...not for anything that required the door to be shut! She was hoodwinked, and indeed was lured into a trap. [To Fleabag] Please, can you help us get her out?

Sebastian: There's no way we can get into that room? [Desperately, To Chastity] We have to do something!

Clint: [Knocks on Lesley's door.] Sebastian says he wants to join you two! Can he come in?

Sebastian: [sighs in resignation] Yes, Lesley dear. May I come in and play? [Jingles the coins in his bag] [To Clint] A real hero is willing to take one for the team. Write that down, dear.

Alice : Wow, just what are you prepared to take, Seb?

[There's still no answer.]

Fleabag : Don't waste your breath, Pretty, she won't come out until she's ready.

Clint: [Very quietly, to Sebastian] When you get in, tell hi... he... it... that you like your partners to be tied up. Handcuff the freak to the bed, grab the kid, and leave. The Bimbo [nods at Alice] has cuffs. Simple, right? [Pauses] Oh, and payback's a bitch, isn't it?

Alice : Wow, just what are you prepared to take, Seb? she's ready.

Sebastian: [to Clint] Payback for what? [To Fleabag] Do you know how we can get this door open from this side?

Fleabag : Sorry, Pretty, I don't think you can.

[The light above the door goes off.]

Sebastian: [Knocks on the door again] Smock! Are you okay?!

Clint: [Tries the handle now that the light is off.] What did that freak do to you?

Fleabag : Take it easy, Big General. She won't come out until someone gives Lesley a receipt.

Austin: [Knocks on the door] Excuse me, Ms Lesley. [Takes the receipt out of his pocket.] We have the receipt for you out here. [The door starts to slide open.]

Fleabag : Wait a moment!

[The door stops, and FLEABAG disappears into his own room for a moment, before returning with an apple, which he starts to eat.]

Fleabag : Okay, off you go. [Book V, Act VIII, Scene V. The Entrance to Lesley's Room. ALICE, AUSTIN, CHASTITY, CLINT and SEBASTIAN are here, standing at the doorway. FLEABAG is also here, standing back at his own door. Inside the room are SMOCK and FAUN. SMOCK is lying on the bed, in a similar state to DAVIS, PIGGY and OHMLOSS, while FAUN is sweeping up. There is no sign of LESLEY. She sees the receipt in AUSTIN's hand, and takes it, pushing it down the front of her dress, without even looking at the party.]

Faun : [Quietly] Thank you.

Lesley's Room

Austin : [To Faun] Please tell us what's going on here. Why are Smock and the other unconcious?

Clint: [Goes to check on Smock.] And where's the fat prick who did this to the kid?

Faun: [To Austin, clutching her broom] I'm afraid I don't know. I - I'm only new. I just clean up. [To Clint] I don't know where Lesley is either.

Smock: [Stares up at the ceiling, vacantly]

Clint: He had to have gone somewhere! [Looks around for exits.]

Sebastian: [Rushes over to check on Smock] Is she okay? Is she breathing? [To Chastity] What do we do now?

Sir Archie: [Stares at Smock vacantly, but with a understanding and a hint of empathy]

Alice : [Looks around the room] Well, she must have gone somewhere! Where when you when Smock was being, uh, well, you know.

Chastity: [Examines Smock fretfully] Who could do this to a child? [Reassuringly to Sebastian] Not to worry, dear. The Colonel [catches herself and looks stricken] I mean [huge emphasis] I will protect you from the hidden evils in this awful den of sin!

Faun: [To Alice] I was in there [points to an adjoining bathroom] waiting for the light to go off. [Glances at Smock. To Sebastian, reassuringly] She'll be okay. They - they just seem to take a little time to recover.

Smock: [Is still breathing, but totally zoned out.]

Austin : [Looking at Smock] Perhaps Smock will be able to tell us what happened when she recovers. [To Faun] How long does it usually take to recover? [Looks concerencedly at Smock] Perhaps they are draining nascency fluid from these people?

Alice : Well, they do look like those guys we saw in Mermantort, although that wasn't nascency fluid. ### Memantort is the human part of Euphoria, where the elves harvested human ### emotions to help them make Louis XVI brandy

Sebastian: [looking miserably at Smock.] Maybe the brandy would make her feel better. It made me feel better. [To Faun] Has that ever been tried? about Noon-thirty to about 4ish p.m. Irish time.

Faun: [To Austin] It varies, I guess. But the men I have seen come in here before are always able to make their own way out. [To Sebastian] Oh, I'm really not sure. I'm sorry. I haven't been here very long, but this place.. I - [glances anxiously out the door to see Fleabag watching. Lowers her voice] It gives me the creeping willies.

Chastity: [Primly] Smock is far to young to be drinking brandy.

Sebastian: [Puts a reassuring hand on Faun's shoulder] For good reason, I'd say. [To Chastity] Too young? She's 16, right? [To Alice] Right? Besides, I'd think we'd want to try anything. Look at her.

Alice : Well, first of all, it's not brandy, it's Elven urine, which is used to intoxicate humans before harvesting their positive emotions. She might be sixteen, but we're hardly going to make her drink that, are we?

Austin : [To ALice] Of course not, what good would it do her? I think we should probably get the directions from Fleabag then get the hell out of here before the rest of us get [Looks at Smock] 'zapped'. Perhaps the colonel is waiting for us outside?

Sebastian: [Points in the direction of "away", and shrugs] THEY called it brandy. She's not much younger than me...I drank it...and I'm fine. I'm just saying...if that's what they use to increase the emotion before they take them...wouldn't it make sense that it would increase them now, too? Replace what they took?

Alice : And what if he's not? Maybe if we all actually stick together rather than hammering on doors and barging in, we mighn't have this problem.

Faun: [Looking frightened about all the talk of harvesting.] There's something creepy going on here. I think it would be best to leave as soon as you can. [Moves closer to Austin] Would you take me with you? Please?

Clint: Hey! Nothing wrong with hammering on doors and barging in on people!

Alice : Sure there's not - as long as you don't mind being trapped alone in a room with a scary transvestite. [To Sebastian] Nothing wrong with you? Oh please!

Austin : [Consoling Faun] Yes dear girl, of course I'll help you. [To Alice] Lets get out of here then?

Sebastian: [To Alice, shrugs] It made me remember I wasn't married to you...[shudders] So I think I'm actually BETTER after I drank it. [To Austin] What about the other girls? Certainly we won't leave them to this madness.

Alice : You are slightly less obnoxious, and you don't seem to be pretending to have lost your memory so.. [shrugs] as long as you don't think you're married to me, I don't care who's urine you drink. [To Austin] He's right. We're not going to just leave them here, and we're certainly not going to leave without Harvey.

Austin : [To Alice] We don't even know if the colonel is here! [Sighs]

Alice : Maybe we should start hammering on doors and start barging in on people!

Austin : [To Alice] You just said that was a bad idea! [Sheeshes and rolls his eyes] Some leader you're turning out to be!

Sebastian: [To Austin] We'll need more receipts if we continue to just enter rooms. [Waves toward the door] Are all the doors this thick? Maybe stealth is the key. [Walks over to the door that Faun referred to earlier and tries to enter the bathroom. Excitedly.] Maybe there's a secret passage through here!

Alice : That was to show you what a terrible idea your suggestion of running away screaming is. [Sheeses and rolls her eyes] When did I say I was the leader?

[SEBASTIAN opens the other door, showing that it is indeed a bathroom. There are no obvious secret passages there, though.]

Faun : I don't think that there are any passages there. Well, if there are, no one told me about them, so maybe if there are, they're secret.

Sebastian: [Shrugs] Maybe you just have to look for them. [Searches the Bathroom]

[The bathroom contains an inordinate amount of razors, but nothing else remarkable.]

Faun : I have! I have!

Austin : [To Alice] You didn't say you were the leader, your bossyness simply implied that you thought you were. [Has a search around for secret things]

Alice : Interesting, because even though you didn't say that you were a coward, your enthusiasm to leg it out of here implies that you are, but I haven't called you one.

[AUSTIN quickly discovers that one of the bookcases is loose.]

Sebastian: I haven't had much experience with thievery. Maybe you will have better luck. [To Faun] Do you know of any secret passages, or entrances to this place? Or anything that may be of help to us in our quest to locate the Colonel? there ;;;will be a much longer time-span between my posts now.

Austin : [Inspecting a bookcase] This bookcase appears to be loose, [Searches for a lever or book to pull] Perhaps there is a secret passage here? [AUSTIN pulls out one of the books - "The Silk Letter" - and the bookcase moves, but seems stuck.]

Alice : Maybe it's locked from the other side?

Clint: Maybe I should give it a try? Step aside, lawyer - this is a job for a real man!

Austin : [Steps aside. To Clint] If you knew the difference I might be insulted.

Faun: [Stands with the womenfolk as the men deal with the bookcase.] Do you really want to know what's behind there? I mean, it could be something quite horrible. You might find Lesley. I really think we just ought to get out of here.

Clint: [Snorts and tries to force the bookcase open. Regards Austin and Sebastian.] Admittedly, there aren't many examples for me to compare to, but I've got it figured out. [Hears Faun and pales.]

Austin : [To Clint] I'm sure that, 'lady', Emily would concur, Mr Scar.

Alice : And I'm sure that Lesley was a real man. At some stage.

[CLINT gives this bookcase a fine whack, but it is clearly locked with a substantial latch on the other side, and won't be opened.]

Chastity: [Fretfully] Oh, dear! Is there some other trigger we're missing?

Alice : It's locked from the other side! It's obvious! [Turns to Austin] It is locked from the other side, right? ### It is!

Clint: Then there's not much we can do. Let's grab the kid, grab the babe, and go find Harv!

Chastity: [To Alice, sweetly] Yes, dear. I merely thought there might be another way to trigger the catch. After all, what is a secret passage without a triggering mechanism? [To Clint] Succinctly put, Mr. Scar. Let us go!

Faun: [Anxiously] Forget about your friend. We ought to go now - before Mrs. Danvers hears that you're disturbing the girls!

Chastity: [Defensively] These girls were disturbed before we arrived!

Austin : [Nodding sagely, watching Clint fail to open the door] So, Mr Scar, you're not the real man you though you were. I suspected as much. [Tries to pick the lock/ trigger it or open it with his more subtle skills]

Sebastian: How tragic! [Strikes a poetry reciting pose] O alas alack poor Mr. Scar! His powerful leg no door can mar!

Chastity: [Interrupting Sebastian as politely and sweetly as possible] Very nice, dear, but we really must find the Colonel before he becomes a drooling vacant-eyed vegetable like poor young Smock!

[AUSTIN works on the door, but to no avail.]

Alice : Right, there are three more doors in the hall, as well as Fleabag's. Clint? Ready for some hammering and barging?

Clint: Absolutely! Harv's got to be around here somewhere. [Tosses Smock over his shoulder and looks for another door to kick in.]

Austin : [Ducks and grimaces as Clint manhandles Smock over his shoulder] You really know how to treat a lady, don't you Mr Scar.

Alice : At least one person here does!

Faun : Please don't try to break down any more doors, Phlouxsie and the others will come up here if you do. [CLINT lands a hefty kick on another unopened door, causing it to splinter. The door is quickly opened by JASMINE, who doesn't look happy.]

Jasmine : Hey, GI! What you want? You got receipt?

Alice : [To the party] Where the hell is that [glares at Sebastian] receipt?

Jasmine : What up, guy? Cat got tongue? Why you waste my time?

Chastity: [To Jasmine] We're sorry to intrude, young lady, but we are in search of our missing friend, the Colonel. Distinguished gentleman, about so [raises her hand to Harvey height] high? [Adds sympathetically] You mightn't understand him, as he speaks in complete sentences.

Jasmine : Ah, Sugar Daddy?

Austin : [To Jasmine] More of a sugar uncle. [Tries to forge some recipts, without being seen]

Jasmine : He my sugar daddy now! [Slams the door]

Alice : Hm, that was strange, I wonder [realisation dawns] Whaaaaaat!

Faun: [To the party, glancing uneasily toward the downstairs door] Please. We really should leave.

Chastity: [Gasps] She couldn't mean that! [Bangs on the door furiously] Young lady, you get right back out here and explain yourself! How dare you slander the Colonel with your seedy lies?!

Alice : Clint! Get in there and smash the place up now! She's bound to have a collection of cheesy ceramic angels - let's break them all!

[The door opens, and JASMINE is there again.]

Jasmine : He my Colonel now!

Faun: [Grabs Clint's arm and pleads] No! You can't! Mrs. Danvers will call security.

Clint: Sorry, babe. That's a risk we'll just have to take. [Tries to force his way past Jasmine.]

Jasmine : She right! Many girls, big swords. They kick your ass.

[Enter HARVEY, coming from behind JASMINE.]

Harvey : I say, my dear! What's all this ruckus about? [CLINT collides with HARVEY.]

Harvey : By the saints, Private Scar! What's all this about? I'll thank you not to treat my fiancee this way.

Alice : Yeah, Stinky! What's wrong with you? Don't treat his - whaaaaaat?!

Chastity: [Mortified] Colonel, this is not the time for jokes! We were all worried sick about you! [attempts to clutch Harvey's arm protectively]

Clint: Your what, Harv? Are you out of your mind?

Harvey : Oh no, Private, I'm in love, sweet, sweet love, with a sweet, sweet girl.

Jasmine : [Grabs Chastity's arm] Back off, bitch! [Bites her arm]

Austin : [To Harvey] Colonel, you know that we all have to stick together. Come with us now or you could end up like Faern. It wasn't nice.

Faun: But he says he is in love, and he does seem awfully happy. It wouldn't be right to tear him away from marital bliss. Now, we really should be off.

Austin : Colonel, are you comming with us or staying here? [Glances at Alice] Who should take command of the troop now?

Chastity: [Howls in pain and grabs her arm. To Harvey] Colonel, you're not yourself! You're under the thrall of this she-devil, and you must trust us to take care of you.

Harvey : What rot you speak of, Private Sleaze! Of course I'm coming with you!

Jasmine : [To Chastity] He mine now! [Leaps onto Chastity's back, pulling her hair, causing the two of them to stagger around the room]

Jasmine's room

Faun: [To Chastity] Hush! Please, you mustn't make a commotion.

Clint: All right! Cat fight!

Chastity: [Furious] Colonel, how dare you let this ignorant tart treat me this way! [Shoos Jasmine away with a flapping tea-towel] Get away, harlot!

[JASMINE clings onto CHASTITY for dear life.]

Jasmine : He mine now!

Alice : You must admit, Chas, it's kind of nice that she's so possessive.

Jasmine : [To Alice] Hey! I know you hooker too! You keep hands off my Colonel - find own!

Alice : Hey!

Sebastian: [Trying to move between Jasmine and Chastity] Now, now. Calm down ladies. [To Chastity] Love is a blinding force. Matters of the heart are difficult to understand. [Bowing, To Jasmine] You have lovely cadence, my lady...but do you suppose you could tell you REAL voice...just what is going on here?

Jasmine : Protecting my property!

[CHASTITY and JASMINE stagger back and crash against a large mirror, putting a large crack in it.]

Harvey : Ladies, please!

Faun: [Realising her pleas are falling on deaf ears, shrinks away from the ruckus. Covers her eyes as the mirror cracks] Oh dear. That's horrible bad luck.

Clint: [Confidently] Let 'em get it out of their systems now, Harv. It's the hormones, you know. Makes them crazy. Oh, and getting engaged to a hooker? [Give a thumbs up.] Nice work!

Sebastian: [Casts a nervous glance at the door. To Austin] Perhaps you could look for another way out? You were terribly clever to find the last one. I'll see if I can do something about this.

Austin : Errm, okay. [Looks worriedly at the fight and searches for another way out]

[JASMINE falls to the ground, taking CHASTITY with her.]

Harvey : Jasmine! [Goes to her aid]

Alice : [Watching Austin] Maybe Faun can help, Aus? [Turns to look] Hey! Where's she gone?

Clint: [Moves to separate Chastity from Jasmine.] This is getting ridiculous. Harv, we have to talk to Fleabag about something, and you're coming with us. And then we're leaving. Bring the broad if you want. If Faun's not ready to go when we are, that's just too damn bad. [Shifts Smock to his other shoulder and turns to lead the way.]

Alice : [Looking at the broken glass] Hey! Look at that! [Points at the mirror] There's something behind it! Just like the elves had in Mermantort!

Chastity: [Rubbing her bitten arm and sulking. To Alice, glaring at Harvey] Something that makes once-great men develop a sudden strong desire for common trash?

Harvey : By the saints, Sister! That's my fiancee you're talking about. Sure, she's a spirited young thing, and my respect for you prevents me from being angry with you, but please!

Chastity: [To Alice, ignoring Harvey] What do you see behind the mirror, dear?

Alice : It's some sort of machine, just like the one in Mermantort, but smaller, and there's a secret passage, too, look!

Jasmine : That no secret passage! You all can see it! That not secret!

Chastity: [To Alice] Yes, I do see the [huge emphasis] secret passage. Why don't we explore it further? [abruptly attempts to enter the passage with a loud, offended sniff toward Harvey as she passes]

Jasmine : [Says something incomprehensible in Chinese to Chastity, which, given the tone, is quite aggressive]

Harvey : By the saints, Sister! I never believed that you of all people could be small minded! [To Jasmine] You wait here, uh, Snookums, I'll return for you.

Jasmine : Make sure you do! Me love you long time!

[Enter the party, through the looking glass.]

[Book V, Act VIII, Scene VI. Through The Looking Glass. ALICE, AUSTIN, CHASTITY, CLINT, HARVEY, SEBASTIAN and SMOCK are here, in the room behind the mirror. This is the backwards scene.]

Fleabag : [With a smile] Yes, yes it is next door.

Jasmine : GI! You no good to me dead! You no go in there! [Points at Chastity] She can go!

Smock: [To Clint] But Harvey's still our leader, plus he's got army training, so he should go.

Chastity: [Ignores Clint. To Alice, shaking her head in disbelief] That is, by far, the most outrageous thing you have ever said.

Alice : [Angrily points her glass angel at Clint] Of course Harvey's going to go! [To Chastity] I don't know, Chastity, it might be fun to see you run naked through the brothel.

Chastity: [Glares at Harvey, offended. To Alice] Well, YOU can tell your befuddled uncle that he would never catch me flitting about a den of iniquity flashing my fleshy unspeakables to anyone with a gold piece and a faltering pulse, unlike certain [finger quotes] young [finger quotes with violent emphasis] ladies of decidedly dubious virtue!

Harvey : But Sister! Why would you think such a thing? If you just gave her a chance, I'm sure you'd find that the two of you have a lot in common. Alice, I'm sure you think so too, why don't you tell Sister Chastity?

Alice : [Sighs, before turning to Chastity] I'm sure you have a lot in common with Auntie Jasmine. She love you long time!

Smock: [To Chastity] That was a bit harsh, you know. I mean, sure she can't speak properly, but you didn't have to insult her mother. [Beams at Austin] I know.

Chastity: [To Harvey, quivering with rage] Are you suggesting I'm not a good mother?! At least none of my children grew up to be jibbering, culturally confused whores! I'd like to see the monster that bore your blushing bride, if only to perform an exorcism and spare the world similar future atrocities!

Harvey : By the saints Sister! I am going to go in - you can't treat us like children you know!

Austin : That was an excellent idea, Smock!

Austin : [Ponders nodding at Smock]

Chastity: [To Fleabag, examining the pipe] Does this pipe go into the next room? [To the party, wearily] I see it falls to me to keep all of you focused on the task at hand, now that I'm the only adult in the party [dirty look at Harvey].

Harvey : [Roars with laughter] Don't be ridiculous, Private Scar! This will be a jolly wheeze!

Fleabag : Ooooh. Prying eyes, I see!


Smock: Maybe we should give Chastity some stuff to break. It's really therapeutic.

Clint: [Annoyed] Why the hell would we want to do that, Chas? It's stupid!

Alice : [Folds her arms and glares at Chastity] Well, I'm not going to be quiet, Chas!

Sebastian: [Puts his ear on the pipe] No Chastity, I can't seem to hear anything. [Frowns at Alice. To Chastity] Make her be quiet! I can't hear!

Chastity: [To the party, choking back tears] I say if the the Colonel wishes to pursue his base carnal desires and utterly abandon the party, we should support him and encourage him to leave and never come back! [Crosses her arms and barks at Alice] And not another word out of you, young lady! I've had quite enough of your sordid suggestions and obscene drinking games!

Alice : Wouldn't it be funny if someone drank some beer and burped into that dish thing?

Jasmine : [To Chastity] You shut mouth! You just jealous! What you say now? --- F \ No newline at end of file

Chastity: [To Sebastian, applauding] Lovely! You know, with your gift for melodic language, I suspect your ears are sharper than mine. Would you be a dear and take a listen at this pipe and tell me if you hear anything? Normally I would ask the Colonel, but he seems a bit preoccupied at the moment.

[Enter JASMINE.]

Jasmine : Hey! What going on?

Sebastian: [Casts an exaggerated damsel-in-distress look at Clint] Why Clint, I didn't know you cared! [Fake-Swoons with his head back and the back of his hand over his eyes] To be saved yes, lord to be saved by the galliant knight a gift craved yes, lord a gift craved is he who is willing to fight for my soul and heart he has stole [bows deeply giving a devilish wink to Clint]

Austin : [Sneers, frowning. To Alice] If mine was as sharp and slippery as Seb's I'd have done it long ago.

Clint: Sebastian, you fool, don't put your tongue in there!

Alice : [To Austin] I'm surprised you haven't poked your nose in there [points at where the pipe enters the wall] yet.

Alice : [To Austin] I'm surprised you haven't poked your nose in there

Sebastian: [Picking up a piece of broken porcelein] I wonder what was in here? Only one way to find out...[Sticks out his tounge to taste the contents.]

Chastity: [To Austin, appalled] Mr. Sleaze, really! I'll thank you to quit poking your nose into my personal affairs. And, furthermore, you know very well that a handmaiden of Phili is utterly chaste!!

Austin : [Walks over to the chest and closes his bag] It looks as though the elves' draining technology has been refined into a handy home appliance design.

Alice : [Sulkily to Austin] Well, that's not fair!

Clint: [To Chastity] You and Monty did what?! [To Smock] Yeah, well, sometimes these things happen, kid.

Austin : [Takes a flask out of his bag, opens the chest and places it inside] This looks like nascency fluid. [Searches around in the chest, pulling out various pieces of sex equipment, including a huge cruxifix shaped vibrator, which he drops on the floor] One of your's chastity?

Sebastian: Hmmm.

Alice : Anything interesting in there, Aus?

Smock: [To Sebastian] That's just like this one time I saw Monty and Chastity swap all of Clint's stinky cigars for pretend ones filled with grass clippings while he was asleep! [Sadly] I wish Monty hadn't gone crazy.

Sebastian: [Looks up sheepishly at Smock.] You caught me, little sister. [Shrugs and sighs heavily] Oh well.

Alice : You know what would make this day just perfect? If Sebastian started to pretend that Smock is his sister.

Clint: That wasn't me, dammit!

Austin : [Searching around in the chest, pulls out a post card, laughs at the picture] Sister Chastity! Disgraceful! And I thought you only had four husbands! [Turns the post card 90 degrees. Gasps playfully] And I didn't know you had them all in one go [Turns the picture upside down, and squints at it] Mr Scar?

Chastity: [Sighs heavily] I just wish my George was here. That's what this party is missing now, a firm but loving hand to master us.

Alice : Ewww! You better destroy that picture, Austin and keep searching that chest, otherwise any time we look at you that's all we're going to be able to think about!

Chastity: [Snatches the photo from Smock, horrified] Mr. Sleaze, how dare you allow such a thing to fall into the hands of a child! [Weakly hands the photo to Alice] Oh, dear. I think I may be sick [daintily fans herself with a lacy hanky, looking ill].

Smock: Speaking of colourful... [Leans over Austin's shoulder and pulls a photo out of the chest.] That's an impressive technicolour yawn! [Holds up a picture of what looks like Austin in his younger days being sick into some bushes, holding a bottle in one hand and a cheesarette in the other.]

Chastity: [Picks a framed portrait of Olive Branch up from the floor and briskly puts it on the wall covering the pipe in the wall] What's this?

Olive Branch

Alice : [Looking at the portrait] I've had enough of that. Throw it on the ground, Chas. ### Olive was the elder of the Euphoric Elves, and was responsible for humans being ### harvested for Louis XVI, a fact that the other elves weren't aware of until the party ### uncovered it. When they did discover it, she was banished from Euphoria.

Austin : [Removes the lock from the chest and opens it] Lets see what delights we have in here!

Clint: [Walks over to the portrait from the chest of drawers, looks at it, and glares.] What's a portrait of that slag doing here?

Harvey : By the saints, it is her!

Smock: So she's not a nice person then.

Alice : That bitch!

Austin : Ahh, Alice, you're bestist friend.

Alice : [Looking closely at the picture] I thought we'd seen the last of her!

Clint: [Pulls a bottle from his pocket.] Hmm. So, you think it's nascency fluid then? [Looks up at the portrait.] Is that who I think it is?

Alice : I bet that's Nascency Fluid!

Smock: [To Austin] Just like a real hero!

Clint: [Puts a flask into the chest of drawers.] What the hell is this stuff? [To Austin] Of course not! Harv's gone a little soft, but I'm sure he'll come 'round eventually.

Smock: [To Chastity, sulkily] I do not! does Clint curb

Austin : [To Smock, doing slash and stab pirate moves] I'd slash and stab and take 'em down! Especially now the colonel is all loved up and under the thumb!

Clint: [Busily putting women's undergarments back into the chest of drawers.] Oh, come off it Chas. She's [with emphasis] sixteen.

Smock: [To Alice] Austin could so beat the baddies! [Excitedly, to Austin] How would you?

Sebastian: [Stops wandering out the room aimlessly] I have a headache. [To Sir Archie] Shall we explore?

Alice : [To Clint] Oh my God! How old is she, Clint?

Chastity: [Holds up the flimsy g-string, puzzled] Are you suggesting she floss more often, Mr. Scar? I quite agree, but she needn't use something this lacy. In fact, I doubt it would do the job properly. [Does a double-take then smacks Clint repeatedly with the g-string, horrified] Mr. Scar! She is only a child!!

Harvey : [Laughs good naturedly at Austin] Of course you could, Private. Of course you could!

Clint: [Still stuffing things into the chest of drawers, grabs a g-string from Chastity.] This stuff is great! You want any Bimbo, Chas? [To Smock] What about you, kid? Lsat from Tom #58

Alice : Anything interesting there, Stinky?

Smock: I reckon you'd be great Austin!

Harvey : Who? [Guffaws] Private Sleaze, I suppose!

Sebastian: [To Smock] I'm not sure. Seems to be some sort of "thing." Someone should really try to figure out what is going on here. It should be someone clever with a keen eye for detail. [starts to wander around the room]

Austin : [Smugly] It was my good self that defeated the bad faction of the elves last time, and I shall do it again if I have to.

Alice : [Rolls her eyes at Austin] Next thing you'll be claiming that you're the one who defeated the evles!

Smock: [To Sebastian] Have you ever seen anything like this place before? What do you think it is? Do you think there's baddies hiding here somewhere? [Walks over to the shelves.] There! [Breaks two plates, causing them to appear in her hands. They are both decorated with handpainted pastoral scenes.] And last, but not least!

Sebastian: [Nods approvingly to Smock] Well Done! I think you missed some, though. [To Austin] Will we be required to fight the Elves? Would we even stand a chance in a battle against them?

Smock: [Admires her mess] Work worthy of an artist! [Smashes three tea cups in succession, clearing some of the debris from the ground around the shelves.]

Alice : [Winces at each crash] I think I'm getting a headache, which must mean Smock is feeling better!

Austin : [To Alice] Do you think Smock has fully recovered yet?

Smock: [After a particularly loud smash, a bunch of plates appear in her arms.] This sound's gonna be even better!

Alice : Hm. I'm sure that Lesley will be delighted to hear that, Smock.

Clint: I'm glad you're having fun destroying things, kid, but it's pretty damn loud.

Smock: [Smashes a large platter, which appears in her hand, clearing the last of the mess from the floor] Well, if we ever see that freak again, I'm gonna smash her - or him, or it - just like this! [Walks away from the shelves.]

Alice : So, uh, have fun with Lesley, Smock?

Clint: [Holding up a particularly large set of underwear.] Lesley's, I suppose. [Realizes what he's holding and stows it with a shudder.]

Chastity: [Gesturing daintily to a pile of shiny spangled cloth] Look, there's a circus tent of some kind! How strange to find that here.

Smock: [Yawns] What you got in there, Clint?

Alice : I don't care Smock, I'm keeping this one! [Holds onto her tacky angel protectively]

Austin : [Nodding, with a smirk] Indeed, it is a veritable work of art. [Looks at the angel. Sarcastically] It rivals that of the great Benecian glass blowers.

Smock: [To Alice, in the manner of a tired and cranky child] But I want it! [Sulks] Besides, it doesn't suit you. It's got too much class to be one of your accessories.

Clint: [Looks up from where he's almost finished putting things back into the chest of drawers.] Would you two stop fighting over the damn statue? It's just a piece of glass!

Chastity: [To Austin, scolding] Mr. Sleaze, must you keep doing that?!

Alice : Why don't you try getting even more whiny, Smock? That always works. Then stop pretending to be four so that you can insult someone.

Chastity: [To Smock] Now, now, dear. You must learn to share your playthings with other children. Let Alice have a turn.

Sebastian: [To Smock] Oh no. Don't get me involved. A real hero figures out a way to solve his own problems without involving innocent bystanders. Write that down.

Smock: [Whines, to Alice, trying to reach for the angel] It's mine - I saw it first! [To Sebastian] You saw me see it first! Tell her.

Alice : [To the angel] That's okay, Anthriel, I'll protect you from the mean monster!

Clint: Kid, let Alice have the freaking angel already. [Closes the chest of drawers.] Maybe we can find you something in here. of

Smock: [To Alice] If you don't give it back, I'll=85 I'll bury your favourite shoes in a big pile of poo!

Austin : [Scooshes the air around Clint with some aftershave] There we are Mr Scar, you're much less offensive now.

Alice : Ew! Stinky! What the hell was that!? [Holds her nose] Odzin? Dan dou do someding aboud dat?

Chastity: [Horrified, buries her nose in two lacy hankies] Mr. Scar! Control yourself. I haven't smelled an odor that foul since I went on the Dam Tour with my George.

Smock: [Sniffs the air and abruptly screws up her nose.] Ew. Was that you, Clint?

Alice : Hey! I want that one! [Puts a tacky looking glass angel on the shelves near Smock]

Smock: I bags searching the shelves. [Moves away from the shelves.] We're in a secret hideout? Cool! [Rubs her eyes tiredly.]

Harvey : Ah, Cadet! Back with us I see. We're in some sort of hidden room.

Chastity: [Scans the room cautiously. To Smock] Better stay back, dear, and let the grown-ups investigate. You never know what awful naughtiness lurks in a secret room like this!

Smock: [Sits down on the floor, looking a little groggy.] Huh? Where are we? [Lays down and passes out.]

Alice : I know, but things are a lot quieter when she's unconscious!

Sebastian: [Knealing next to Smock] Sister!!! We were so worried! Are you alright? Wake up! [Stands up and runs back to the entrance of the room]

Chastity: [Fussing over Smock. To Alice, sharply] What a terrible thing to say! Smock is a member of the party, after all!

Alice : Sure, but where are we going to find a duck and a horse in the middle of a secret room? In a brothel? That has a bunch of sexy but scary security guards? [Checks her watch] At this time of night? [Shrugs] Besides, maybe we should let her sleep. It might be for the best.

Chastity: [Rifles through her bag] Even my prayers do nothing for the poor child. [Wistfully] If only I had some of Mother's home remedies.

Harvey : Sister, can you do anything for the young Cadet?

Austin : [To Harvey] Smock looks like she could use some TLC.

Harvey : By the saints, it's a secret room!

[Enter ALL, into the secret room.]

The Backwards scene played forwards [Book V, Act VIII, Scene VII. Jasmine's Room. ALICE, AUSTIN, CHASTITY, CLINT, HARVEY, SMOCK and SEBASTIAN are here, having just left the secret room. Also here are JASMINE and FLEABAG.]

Alice : [Stops and looks back at the other room] Is it just me, or did that feel very strange? played FORWARDS,

Chastity: [Crosses her arms and huffs to Alice] If you mean the part where our formerly devoted leader took up with an illiterate tramp and left us for dead so he could whet his horrible desires, then yes! Last Heather #2

Harvey : [Does a double take] By the saints! Were you in some sort of different dimension, Sister? Last Conor #3

Austin : Well it's hardly the first time old chassers has lost the plot. [To Alice, frowning] Yes, that was a bit weird [Looks back at the things that have just happened in the last scene] It was sort of backwards-forwards or something?

Alice : It seemed forwards to me, just that you lot were making even less sense than usual. [Peers at Chastity] Well, Sister? Have you lost the plot?

Chastity: [Icily] Perhaps it was just that the plot was too flimsy to keep hold of!

Alice : Rather like your grip on reality, really!

Chastity: [To Alice, sweetly] If only we could say the same of your grip on your purity.

Sebastian: I'm just glad whatever it was is over now. [Looks at Alice hopefully] It is over, right? [more desperately] Right?!

Alice : [Confused at Chastity's words] So, I do have a tight grip on my purity? Okay! [To Sebastian] I think it's only the start. The last time we experienced something like that was just before we met Iok, when time started going all [waves her hands in the air in front her] freeeeeeaky. People started saying things that they wouldn't actually say until much later. Hm, that's quite different, I guess. [Shrugs] Idunno. ### Alice is referring to something that happened way back in Book I, Act IV, when the ### party, including Austin, Clint and Harvey, discovered that enough pure evil can warp ### the passage of time

Chastity: [To Alice, flustered] Er, I don't have time to explain these things to you, dear. [Quickly changing the subject] So, [finger quotes] freaky time, you say? There was certainly something amiss just now.

Alice : [Does a double take on Chastity] Hey! Didn't you just say that?

Sebastian: [Flinches violently. Clearly unnerved and on the edge of freaking out.] Oh God. What? Did she? Is it happening again? Poets like time to move forward. It's important for our work. If it goes backwards, we aren't sure what adjectives to use, or what the proper verb would be. It gets very ugly.

Chastity: [Pats Sebastian reassuringly] That is just dear Alice's idea of a joke. Pitiful, isn't it?

Sebastian: [somewhat calmed, but still unsure.] Yeees. [Looks around suspiciously, somewhat cowed down] What caused it? [Quietly To Jasmine and Fleabag] Is this a black hole? I've heard of them. [whispers] But I've never seen one.

Smock: [To Sebastian] Don't worry. That's just one of the baddies' booby traps to what people don't want to go in there. But us heroes aren't put off by such silly things! So stop being a weenie!

Austin : [Checking his nails. To Sebastian] Yes. Wise up, soft boy!

Clint: Yeah. You know you've got problems when even the lawyer thinks you're soft! [Shakes his head.] But you gotta admit, that was pretty freakin' strange just then.

Smock: [Shocked] You're weren't scared too were you, Clint?

Clint: [Snorts.] Scared? Hell no! Just sayin' it was a little weird.

Smock: [To Harvey] So where are we going now, Colonel?

Harvey : Where? We're [breaks into song] going to chapel and we're gonna get married, goin' to the chapel and we're gonna get married, goin' to the chapel of love.

Jasmine : Me love you long time!

Chastity: [Mortified] Colonel, surely you can't be serious. Now, I grant all men are weak in their flesh, and sometimes even a good man wants dreadful [looks at Jasmine in horror] things. But they just pay for what they need and settle down with a good religious woman who has child-bearing hips. Colonel, [stern emphasis] pay the girl and let us forget this nonsense.

Austin : [To Chastity] Why sister, what you lack in empathy you more than make up for in jealously. [Smirks]

Smock: [To Harvey] It's true! Chastity loves you! More than [glances at Jasmine with distaste] her. Besides, there's no way that she's a hero, so she can't come with us. [Folds her arms and nods decidedly.]

Sebastian: [To Jasmine] If you want to get out of this dred place, we can help you. You don't need to marry a man you don't love for freedom. We can help you find that freedom, you just have to be be strong.

Smock: [Smiles at Sebastian] You're too nice, bro.

Sebastian: [Smiles fondly at Smock] Thank you, little sister. I apologize if you thought I was being a...what did you call me?...a weenie. But I feel things very strongly, I'm not ashamed of that. I have [Glances significantly at Clint] many levels of emotion. That's not a bad thing, dear. Even heroes can have feelings. Sometimes it helps them do extraordinarily brave things.

Austin : [To Sebastian] Or extraordinarily stupid things. [Glances at Harvey. To Harvey] 'From within it consumes', colonel. If you leave the group you are likely to be consumed by your own desires, and believe me, it's not pretty. [Casually checks his fingernails]

Harvey : [Getting increasingly red of face with anger] By the saints! Sister, you have always been a bastion of good sense, so it saddens this old soldier to hear you speak this way. [Turns to Sebastian] And you, soft lad, with your bitching and sniping you'll never be a hero! [To Smock] Cadet Smock, because you are a child, I won't tell you what I think of your words.

Smock: [As her face drops and her eyes glisten with moisture] But Harvey... [Sniffs] What happened to you?

Clint: You tell 'em, Harv! If you want to get hitched to an experienced woman, more power to ya! [Takes Harvey aside, quietly] But you know, Harv, once you get married, she won't put out... the group you are likely to be consumed by your own >desires, and believe me, it's not pretty. [Casually checks his >fingernails]

Sebastian: [To Austin. Calmly] Yes. Extraordinarily stupid things, like providing you with a distraction and carriage for get-away...Buying your way out of a fight with armed officials...Having the wits about me to search for secret passages...[Shrugs, Turns to Harvey] I may not always be right, but at least I try. I shudder at the memory of thinking you were my father [To Austin] and brother. You are an embarrasement to my fake family.

Smock: [To Sebastian] Austin didn't mean you were stupid! [Whispers] I think he meant Harvey. [To Austin] Right? [To Sebastian] And Austin's the best hero out of everyone here.

Clint: [Clears his throat in an offended manner.]

Sebastian: I know what he meant. [shrugs dismissively. To Smock.] It's okay, dear. I'm an artitst. I'm quite accustomed to being misunderstood and unappreciated. And if That [points to Austin] is a hero, I'm quite glad I'm not one.

Smock: Oh, and Clint's pretty good too. [Grins at Clint. Mouth agape, To Sebastian] You don't really mean that!

Alice : Everyone's out of step except our 'bastian.

Jasmine : [To Clint] Hey! I no put out now! Except for business.

Harvey : [Nods to Austin] Thank you for your advice, Private Sleaze, but I have no wish to leave the party, despite their apparent desire for me to.

Teabag : [Clearly enjoying the argument] My, my, it all falls apart so easily.

Sebastian: [To Smock, gently] You seem to have a very narrow view of what makes a hero, little sister. Yes, I meant what I said. I do not wish to be a hero with him [Gestures to Austin] as my [air quotes] model of perfection. I choose to be heroic in my own way. Despite the party's tendency to treat you as a child, I know you are a young lady...and are capable of grasping the concept. Whether or not you recognize it, is up to you. While I adore you, and would like your approval...I don't require it.

Chastity: [Pats Sebastian approvingly] Well said, dear. However, I must respectfully disagree. Young Smock may be mature in calendar years, but she clearly has the mentality of a small helpless child. Hence, we must treat her as such, lest we cause a shock to her delicate system and cause her fragile personality to split. [pats Smock affectionately]

Smock: [Pulls away from Chastity] I'm not fragile! I'm tough! I could last out in the wilds longer than any of you! I even did it by myself because I had to. And I'm NOT helpless! If you want to pretend to be weak then fine. [To Sebastian] I have the book on what it takes to be a hero [shows him.] You can be a different hero to Austin if you want, but that doesn't mean that he's not one.

Sebastian: [Pats Chastity's hand affectionately] Thank you. And while I respect you to no end and have the greatest affection for you, I fear I must disagree with you...respectfully. Smock has shown a capability from time to time to handle situations like an adult. I believe under this childlike exterior is a mature young woman ready to spring forth. She will need the firm, yet loving guidance of an honorable woman such as yourself to help her fulfill that lofty goal.

Austin : [To Sebastian, anoyed] No. I really was refering to the colonel. He is likely to die if he leaves the group now. Quite why you feel so persecuted as to believe otherwise is truly sad, but [sighs, shrugs] suit yourself.

Smock: I don't want to be like Chastity! She's always stressed and upset.

Chastity: [Snaps] Must you talk on top of each other?! [To Austin, primly] I quite agree the Colonel is in grave danger if he stays in this horrid place. [To Sebastian, proudly] And I quite agree that Smock has much to learn from my influence, and that is, indeed, my aim. [To Smock, reassuringly] There, there, dear. Don't get upset. Shall I make you a nice cup of cocoa?

Sebastian: [Sighs under the heavy weight of the world upon his shoulders. To Smock.] I agree, sister. Many different types of heroes. That was the point I was making. I'm glad you understand. Then you can agree that Chastity, in her own way, is also a hero? [To Austin, concerned] Why would Harvey die? Is he ill?

Chastity: [To Sebastian] Thank you, dear. And, yes, the Colonel is clearly ill. Or at the very least not himself. The term is [finger quotes] addlepated, I beleive.

Harvey : By the saints, Sister! I'll brook this behaviour no longer. I have no wish to leave the party, but, Sister, if you continue to speak of me in this way I will have no choice but to!

Fleabag : [Looks around the party] Heroes eh? So this is what heroes look like.

Chastity: [Dismayed] Now I [huge emphasis] know you're not yourself, Colonel! Don't tell me you would abandon your dear niece over this!

Harvey : I'm not abandoning anyone! I'm being pushed out of the very party I set up!

Austin : [Nods to Fleabag] Some of us are much better dressed than the others though. [Grimaces at Clint's filthy garb] Anyway. [To Sebastian] Yes, Sebz old chap, the colonel would be in grave danger if he left the party now, as we are most vunerable to our own vices and weakness when we are away from the party. His powers could easely be misdirected into whatever selfish, self gratifying vices he has, no matter how small they seem now, and then, with the new power, those vices would overcome him. It happened to Faern, and it was pretty messy. [Checks his hair in his pocket mirror] Probably exceptioanlly painfull too.[Frowns at the memory]

Sebastian: No one is trying to push you out Colonel dear. We just question you impending happy union. We've known you a long time, and it seems to be very out of character for you. We just want what's best. [Whispers To Jasmine] Do you just want to get out of here, dear? We can help.

Harvey : Oh, be quiet, you buffoon. We only met you an hour ago, although I'm sure you'll claim to have forgotten that too. ### No one, including the party, heard what Seb said

Jasmine : [Slaps Sebastian across the face] You shut mouth! Me love Herbie long time! He my colonel now.

Sebastian: [To Sir Archie, adjusting his jaw with his hand] Such fire! [To Jasmine] I'm sure you do love him long time, dear. [To Harvey, with overly exaggerated innocence] Forget what, Herbie?

Austin : [To Harvey] Excellent news, so you're not leaving us, therefore I presume that Jasmine is comming with us?

Harvey : [To Sebastian] Sir, if that is indeed what you are, you look at me as though you are speaking to me, but nothing you say or do holds the slightest bit of interest to me.

Sebastian: [Casts a wicked glance toward Harvey. To Jasmine, with interest] Just what is it about Herbie you love so much my, dear? He's quite a fellow, isn't he?

Chastity: [Aghast] Colonel! What has gotten into you?!

Jasmine : [To Sebastian] Hey, fuck you, GI!

Harvey : [To Chastity] I am defending the woman I love, Sister. I would ask what has gotten into you, for you were always such an open minded and liberal person.

Alice : [Suppresses a giggle, and puts on a straight face again] I think we should all calm down.

Sebastian: [To Jasmine, sweetly] Not even if You paid Me. [With grand drama] You are the great love of my faithful companion. No matter how much you may desire me, I could never betray your Herbie in that way. [Makes his way over to Alice] We've fought long and hard in many a battle, side by side. He's given his blood for me, and I, mine for him. [Bows deeply, winking at Alice] You just MUST dance with me at the wedding, dear. We'll all be so happy.

Austin : [To Alice] Yes, quite. [To Harvey] What do you suggest as our next plan of action? Shall we try to get to the elf city? [To Fleabag] Can you show us how to get there please?

Fleabag : [To Sebastian] Mm-mm, Pretty. Prefer the boys, eh? [To Austin] I would love to, Simple, but there is the matter of the big secret you just discovered. Olive will not be happy.

Alice : [To Sebastian] Sure, why not? [To the party] It's okay, I'm sure he'll [finger quotes] forget that I agreed.

Sebastian: [To Fleabag] Are you calling Miss Alice a boy? Oh, [glances at Jasmine] No...I just prefer women who speak in a more melodious tone. [Pulls out his journal, and reads as he writes] "Today Miss Alice agreed to dance with me. Be sure to hold her to this." [Winks at Sir Archie]

Sir Archie: [Not amused]

Fleabag : [Still smiling] Ah, would you prefer if she were a boy?

Clint: [Annoyed] What the hell is wrong with you people?!? We've got a world to save, dammit. [To Chastity] This is no time to be going on about family values and crap like that. [To Harv and Jasmine] And you can get married once we've saved the world and all, and more power to you, but for now we're a bit busy, don't you think? [To Sebastian] And for the love of Phili, could you not pick just one annoying personality and stick to it? [Turns to Fleabag] And why should we care that Olive's unhappy, anyway?

Sebastian: Who? [Shakes his head and sighs heavily] This isn't helping any. [To Austin, but looking distractedly at Austin's head] We should get out of here.

Alice : [To Fleabag] He's [finger quotes] forgotten what you were talking about.

Fleabag : Sure he has. [Turns to Clint] Because when Olive's not happy, people get killed.

Austin : [To the party] Olive Branch was the elf who was originally responsible for the draining of the nascency fluid from the humans, but she was doing this without the knowledge of many of the other elves, [gestures to the equipment in the room] As she probably is now. She's a total bitch. If you'll pardon my Phrunch.

Alice : Not quite, Aus, she was responsible for draining their emotions, to make her special brandy. That's why the humans in Mermantort, which was under Euphoria, were kept in a constant state of intoxication, so she could harvest their high emotions. Now, why would she try the same in a brothel? [Realisation dawns] Oh!

Sebastian: [Haltingly, as he's increasingly distracted by Austin's hair] But what does...what does that have to do saving the world?

Austin : [To Sebastian] Like I said, Olive is a complete bitch, and she knows it. She'll probably try to kill us all, deny everything etc, etc.

Alice : [Big sigh] Olive is a bad person. She was trying to do bad things to people here without them knowing. We found out. She will want to kill us. We probably won't be able to save the world if we're dead.

Clint: Then we'll just have to not let her kill us! There, problem solved.

Fleabag : My, my, Big General, such a man!

Clint: [Shrugs] Someone's got to do it, and no one else around here really screams manly man...

Smock: [Nods] Clint is the roughest, toughest, rootin'ist, tootin'ist, dirtiest, smelliest man of all of us!

Fleabag : Oh, I've been known to scream things like that, from time to time.

Harvey : Right, troop, [squeezes Jasmine's shoulders] let's get down to business. Jasmine, what's in through that door? [Gestures to the room that the pipe leads into]

Jasmine : Aiiee! Big danger! You no go! Send hairy woman and ladyboy instead!

Smock: Sounds like a job for heroes! Come on Austin! [Grabs Austin's hand and goes to bang on the door.]

Chastity: [Haughtily] I'll gladly go if it means SHE [glares at Jasmine] won't be there! [Goes to the door]

Austin : [Rolls his eyes at Chastity] Good grief sister, what ever happened to forgiving and all that stuff about lost sheep, etc

Harvey : By the saints, Sister! You try my patience! Since it has begun the party has welcomed all sorts of [looks over the party] well, all sorts, but now you draw the line on the grounds of jealousy. It is [starts getting loud] outrageous [even louder] outrageous, I say!

Alice : Look! [To Harvey] You, stop being outraged and take her in there. [Points at the other door, and then turns to Chastity] You! Stop being such a bitch! [Sebastian] Stop trying to needle Harvey. [Smock] Stop banging on doors and letting people know we're here - wasn't your experience with Lesley freaky enough? [To Austin] You - uh, well, you're doing just fine, actually, as are you, Stinky.

Flebag : What about me?

Alice : I'd give you about a five. You haven't really been helpful, but haven't stopped us either.

Austin : [Ponders] Hmm, well then perhaps a little more smugness is in order [Looks smugger. Tests to see if the door is locked]

Smock: [To Alice] Hey - you're not meant to be giving orders! Only Harvey and Clint can do that. You just have to stand around looking pretty until we need you to solve an equation or something. And if there's someone in there, they're going to know we're here in just a few seconds anyway. I'm just giving them a change to run away before we bash them up for being baddies.

Alice : You're not meant to pretend you're a four year old, but you still do. You're also giving them a chance to be prepared to chop us into tiny pieces when we go through. Fleabag? Are they more likely to run away or chop us into pieces?

Fleabag : Well, there's nowhere to run away to, so I guess the second one.

Alice : [Sticks her tongue out at Smock] See? [Quick glance ot Fleabag] I'm raising you to a six.

Fleabag : [Deadpan] Whoo-hoo.

Chastity: [To Fleabag, politely] Thank you, Mr. Bag. Would you care to raise yourself another point or two in our estimation and provide us any additional help?

Clint: [Moves protectively to the front.] No one's chopping anyone to bits. Besides, what kind of evil overlord hides out in a whorehouse?! [Pauses to think for a minute.] Actually...

Smock: [Pouts] Aw. But we haven't bashed up any baddies since yesterday. [Awaits the results of Austin's attempt at opening the door.]

Fleabag : [Addressing Chasitty as Austin discovers that the door is locked] No, Fish, that's okay. I'll be in my room. If you're still alive later on, you can find me there.

Chastity: [To Fleabag, sweetly] Yes, we'll rush right out to find you if we survive. [To Austin] Come, Mr. Sleaze, can you not use some of your naughtier skills to [finger quotes] pick the lock?

Sebastian: Can't Herbie or Clint just knock the door down? With all the yelling that's been going on, I doubt we can sneak up on whoever is in there anyway.

Austin : [Shudders as Chastity mentions his 'naughtier' skills. Tries to pick the lock] I'm sure I don't know what you mean sister [Ponders the lock as he picks it] but I'm certain that you don't know what I mean. [Looks thoughtfull] I hope. [Goes back to picking the lock]

[AUSTIN successfully picks the lock, and it opens with a click.]

Jasmine : [To Harvey] Come on, GI! It dangerous in there! Come with me!

Harvey : Sorry, my dear, but you need to wait here.

Austin : [To Smock] Stand to the side of the door [Austin stands to the otherside of the door, then pushes it open]

[The door opens with an ominous creaking sound.]

Alice : [With a sharp intake of breath] Does it have to make that awful sound? Damned elves!

Fleabag : Well, that'll be my cue to leave. Bye bye, Pretties.

[Exit FLEABAG, back into his room.]

[Book V, Act VIII, Scene VIII. The Doorway. ALICE, AUSTIN, CHASTITY, CLINT, HARVEY, SEBASTIAN, SMOCK and JASMINE are here, with AUSTIN and SMOCK standing at each side of the door, although the rest of the party are simply standing carelessly in front of it. Enter TEABAG, standing at the doorway. He looks the party up and down.]

Teabag : You know, the rest of you should have hidden too.

Tea Bag ### Tea Bag bears a startling resemblance to Flea Bag, except that he is clean shaven and ### is wearing a nice suit.

Smock: [Draws her dagger and jumps in front of Teabag] All right,

baddie: stick 'em up!

Clint: [Tries to move up to keep an eye on Smock.] Shouldn't you make sure he's one of the bad guys first, kid?

Smock: But look at him! Only a baddie could wear such a horrible suit! Right, Austin?... Well, unless he's a geek like Monty. [To Teabag] Oy, you. Are you a geek?

Austin : [To Smock] Insulting strangers has never been a particularly good idea. [Considers Teabag. To Smock] Especially when you are not yet proficient at insulting you comrades.

Smock: [Confused. To Austin] So he's wearing a nice suit?

Clint: Does it matter? [To Teabag.] So what's your story, and why the hell would we be hiding?

Teabag : [To Smock] No, he means that you are an idiot. That your extremely annoying tendency to insult and threaten people is likely to get you into trouble. As usual. [To Clint] Because you're just about to enter the inner sanctum, where evil is so strong that it warps time. My story? I have no interest in telling you, and you don't have the time to force me to tell you, because Phlouxsie and the others are on the way up, alerted by the banging on doors, the random threats, the [emphasis] extremely annoying bickering and the breaking of windows. In fact, [glances at his watch] if it wasn't for that whole time distortion thing, they would have been here ages ago. In fact, it wouldn't suprise me if they've already been here and killed you, and that you won't realise it until time settles down once again.

[A brief moment of silence passes.]

Alice : Uh, what?

Chastity: [Alarmed, looking around nervously] Ah, thank you, Mr. Bag. [To the party] Shall we keep moving?!

Austin : [To Alice] We're in trouble, as usual [Casually checks his nails. Casually to Teabag] So does this evil have a center, a manifestation of some form? Does it look like this? [Shows Teabag a hand drawn picture of the heart]

Teabag : No, that's a picture of the Heart. That's not evil. Only a fool would think it's evil.

Alice : What window?

Teabag : You'll see.

Chastity: [To Teabag, politely] May I ask what you're doing here, sir? In what capacity are you standing nonchalantly near time-warping evil, I mean?

Teabag : I'm afraid not, Sister. [Points the Smock] What with the threatening and all. Last from Conor #12

Austin : [To Smock] Cadet Smock, perhaps you could appologise to Mr Teabag for threatening him and insulting him?

Chastity: [To Teabag] You must excuse Smock, Mr. Bag. She is young and ignorant of the ways of the world, and she is prone to rash behavior. I am taking a firm hand with her, but it will take time, like all worthwhile endeavors. [Sweetly] Now, please, couldn't a well-dressed and polite young man like you help a holy woman avoid her doom?

Teabag : Chastity, if only your efforts would come to something. [Shakes his head] But they will not. [Even more sweetly to Chastity] Don't panic. That ought to work. Oh, [points to Harvey and Jasmine] and leave them here until you come back.

Chastity: [To Teabag] Why? Are you an oracle?

Teabag : No, a [waves his hands in front of his face] mysterious time traveller. [Starts walking away, but pauses, and turns to Smock] You need to calm down. You'll be the death of someone very close to you otherwise.

Sebastian: [To Teabag] What are we likely to discover beyond this door and why must we leave Herbie and his blushing bride behind?

Teabag : [Sighs sadly] Sebastian, Sebastian. Whatever became of you? This isn't you. Whatever happened to the fun loving Sebastian who liked everyone? You need to recapture the fun, and not this sort of unworthy teasing that you've been doing since you [finger quotes] lost your memory. [Suddenly steps forwards and gives him a big hug, which he holds for a second, before stepping back] Sir Archie doesn't like it either.

Sebastian: [familiarly] Oh, you know how it is. It's very hard to like everyone, when everyone hates you. It's affected my writing, too. Working in a hostile environment, and all. [stares off into the distance] How I long for the days of travel and fine inspiration when life was not threatened with expiration the hours filled with laughter and jubilation and the soul spilled over with the fire of creation [breaks off...tears welling in his eyes. Sir Archie "wipes the tears away" with his paw] Thank you my faithful friend. [To Teabag] I'm just melancholy. You know how I get. [Realization dawns] Wait a minute. How in the name of green apples do you know me?

Teabag : [Gives him a wink] I know lots of things, Mr. Mayor. Like, for instance, no one hates you, but that you're sure going about the right way to make them hate you. [Cocks his ear] Ah, I think I hear the sound of rampaging scantily dressed security guards. [Steps into Jasmine's room] Come on, Harv, you too, Jasmine, no time to argue. [To the party] Oh, swords drawn, and, for Phili's sake, when it comes down to it, cut the blue wire.

Clint: [Whips out his sword and steps in front to protect people, as per usual.] Something about that guy is really strange... --- F \ No newline at end of file

Sebastian: [To Teabag. Shrugs.] The amnesia was real. Whether or not anyone wants to believe it. [Mutters under his breath to Archie] Why would anyone want to pretend to be married to.... Oh well. [Draws out his jewel encrusted family heirloom sword, and speaks to it.] Uncle Halford give me strength to battle the [glances at Smock] "Baddies."

Smock: [Grins at Sebastian. Glances at Austin, to Teabag, a little reluctantly] Sorry for insulting you mister.

Chastity: [Pats Sebastian sweetly] We know, dear [whips out her mace, ready for battle].

Teabag : [Shakes his head and wags his finger] Stop pretending to be someone you're not, Sebastian. If you believed they hated you as much as you claim, you'd either have left or been left behind ages ago.

Harvey : By the saints! I won't leave the party! Give me one good reason why I should!

Teabag : Sven told me to tell you. ### Sven is known to Alice, Austin, Chastity and Clint, and is the NPC most liked by the ### party. They trust him completely.

Alice : [Rolls her eyes as she looks at Sebastian, muttering to herself] Unbelieveable.

Teabag : [To Alice] Ah, ah! [Holds up a hand] What would Sven do?

Harvey : I say, sir! Is Sven nearby? [TEABAG doesn't answer, but spreads his arms in an "I don't know" gesture.]

Teabag : You better hurry.

Smock: Who's Sven?

Alice : Someone we really trust - Harvey, you'd better stay.

Chastity: [Unsure] Yes, we trust Sven, but not Mr. Bag. [To Teabag] No offense, young man.

Austin : [Standing back and readying his sling. To Smock] Sven is in your Hero's book under 'Old style, no messing, Hero'.

Smock: Well, then we better do what Sven says!

Teabag : None taken, Chastity. However, make up your mind. You've wasted enough time here as it is.

Austin : [Chuckles to Smock] Yes, indeed, but the question is, is Mr Teabag telling the truth? Sven might have said something entirely different. Tough huh?

Smock: [Thinks a moment. To Austin] Oh yeah! You're so smart, Austin! [To Teabag] What are we supposed to be deciding again?

Clint: That's what I want to know. Something about whether we leave Harv and the broad here or not?

Austin : [To Clint] This has already been decided, Harvey and the delightful Jasmine will come with us, if that suits them of course.

Clint: So we've decided that Teabag's a liar, then?

Teabag : [To Austin] Okay, Simple, have it your way. [Shuts his door]

Harvey : I hope you're right, Private Sleaze.

Chastity: [To Harvey, offended] Don't be ridiculous, Colonel! How could you even think of leaving your dear niece?

Smock: Of course he is [beams at Austin]. So now we just have to fight the security girls. Easy! Right, Clint?

Harvey : Eh? What on earth are you talking about, Sister? I'm not leaving anyone! Although, from the way you've been behaving, I wonder if you'd like me to. In fact, I wonder if you're even the real Sister Chastity.

Jasmine : She imposter! Hairy man in unconvincing disguise!

Chastity: [To Harvey, offended] You're one to talk, Colonel! Disappearing without a trace, worrying us all terribly, only to reappear with your mind boggled and your trousers transfixed by a gold-digging, bottle-blonde, woman of ill-repute!

Alice : Hey! He's my uncle, his trousers aren't - oh, I see.

Harvey : Gah! Make up your mind, Sister! Are you horrified because you think I'm leaving? Or because you think I'm staying?

Clint: [Massages his aching temples.] That's it. Chas, you need to go see Lesley. Give you a whole new outlook on life, and the rest of us can beat up the security guards in peace.

Austin : [Does a double take as Teabag closes the door. INdignantly] I never said he was a liar! I was merely pointing out the pro's and cons of information gained thirdparty to cadet Smock! [Knocks on Teabag's door] I say Mr Teabag, I'd rather appreciate it if you let us in. I am confident that you were not lieing to us! [Knocks on the door again]

Chastity: [Raps daintily on Teabag's door] Please, Mr. Bag, you can understand our need for caution. Do let us in!

Teabag : [Opens the door] Still here? Do you [emphasis] want to be captured by the busty, beautiful and aggressive female prison guards?

Clint: [Deadpan] That depends on what you mean by "aggressive."

Teabag : Castrations are likely.

Sebastian: [To Clint, also deadpan] Let's not do that then, yes?

Clint: [Reflexively crosses his legs.] Let's get the hell out of here!

Teabag : [Points into the other room] Good idea.

Chastity: For Phili's sake! Let's go!

Sebastian: [Bows grandly to Teabag] Please Mr. Bag, I apologize for the misunderstanding. Before we go, can you not aid us in our quest to save the world? Are there no wise words of advice, or bits of clues you can bestow upon us to advance our march toward certain doom?

Teabag : Leave Harvey here.

Alice : [Takes a teatowel from Chastity's bag and hits her with it] Language!

Austin : [Smugly, to the party] It has already been clearly established that Harvey must come with us. [Watching Alice, frowning] Huh?

Clint: I really don't remember anyone "establishing" that, lawyer.

Sebastian: [To Teabag] Harvey will be in danger if he goes...or he will put us in danger if he goes?

Teabag : First the first, then the second.

Chastity: [Snatches the teatowel back from Alice. To Teabag] We have faced danger before, young man. Danger is hardly reason to split the party. It is the Colonel's choice, of course, whether he remain here or come with us [looks at Harvey expectantly].

Sebastian: Yes. It's up to him. [also looks to harvey expectantly]

Harvey : I don't want to put the party in any unnecessary danger, so I will remain here. However, [glares at Teabag] you had better not be lying, Mr. Blag.

Chastity: [Coolly, to Harvey] Very well, Colonel. Try not to do anything [subtle glance at Jasmine] you might come to regret and be unable to treat with modern medicines. We shall return to you soon. [Snaps to the rest of the party] Time is wasting.

Sebastian: [Sighs heavily, his eyes filling with tears] I fear I may never see you again. If you die, your story will forever live on in poetry! Good luck to you. [Tries to give Harvey a big hug.]

Clint: [Looks at Sebastian in disbelief.] Gimme a freakin' break! [Nods to Harvey] See ya in a while, Harv.

Austin : [To Harvey] But if you stay here when we leave you put all of us in danger! Why don't you both come with us?

Sebastian: So we are in danger if he stays and we are in danger if he goes? [To Harvey] All things being equal, are you sure you want to stay. [Looks toward Jasmine's room with concern] We should probably settle this...I doubt we have much time. We don't want to ALL be in danger for no good reason.

Harvey : By the saints! Damned if I do, and damned if I don't. [To Jasmine] I'll be back!

Jasmine : You better be back, GI!

Teabag : I hope so, Harv. [Closes the door]

Austin : [To Harvey] never mine Colonel, I think we were damned from the start.

Smock: Yay! [Hugs Harvey] It wouldn't be the same without you Colonel!

Sebastian: [Glaps with glee] Oh good! The party is complete. Let's go meet our doom! are outside the inner sanctum of time warping evil...right? ;;;and we are going inside because we want to avoid the ;;;police-bimbos...and because we love time-warping evil, I guess.

Clint: [Dubiously] I don't know about that. How 'bout let's go kick some ass?

Austin : We really should go into the inner sanctum now, before the police get here [Tries to get into the inner sanctum]

Sebastian: Yes. But we must brace ourselves for the possibility of more time hysteria. Synchronize your timepieces! [Pulls out a wrist-sundial from his pack and checks it to Sir Archie's] sparkler for you ;;;all the same. :)

Harvey : [Puts out his pocket watch] Good idea!

Alice : [Sticks out her wrist too] Hey! Where's my watch? about to enter the Jasmine's mirror. inner sanctum. He whether or not although the party Independence Day,

Chastity: [Pulls out a pocket watch with a sigh] It belonged to my George.

[Everyone synchronises watches, just as PHLOUXSIE and the others appear at the top of the stairs.]

Phlouxsie : Stop right there!

Chastity: [To the others] Run!

[PHLOUXSIE stumbles, causing all the others to fall over her.]

Phlouxsie : No! You can't go in there!

Alice : [To Phlouxisie] See you later, loser! [Steps into the inner sanctum room]

Phlouxsie : You're all going to die!

Chastity: [To Alice, scolding] That was just rude! [attempts to enter the inner sanctum]

Sebastian: Like tripping her? Rude, or no...let's get out of here! [also attempts to enter the sanctum]

Clint: [Covers the party's retreat. To Phlouxsie] Not if I have anything to say about it, babe.

Phlouxsie : [Gets up, but doesn't follow] You really don't want to go in there, why don't you stay here and let us castrate you instead?

Austin : [From the inner sanctum] She's not terribly convincing is she.

Alice : [To Austin] Hah! She must think we're a pack of idiots! [Slams the door shut]

Phlouxsie : [To Alice] Did you mean to stay out here after you shut the door?

Alice : Uh, only for a second. [Opens the door and steps in, slamming it behind her]

Phlouxsie : [To the others guards] What a pack of idiots. I can't believe they brought that old guy in with them.

[Book V, Act VIII, Scene IX. The Inner Sanctum. ALICE, AUSTIN, CHASTITY, CLINT, HARVEY, SMOCK and SEBASTIAN are here, having just arrived. The room is quite dark, and all the party can make out are the shapes of large barrells around the room.]

### All change - A

Alice : I think I'll light a torch. [Lights it up, revealing that several of the barrels have pipes coming into them]

Harvey : Hm, what is all this?

Clint: Oy, how should I know? Looks like a bunch of barrels with pipes coming into them.

Alice : Wow, Clint, that's so very helpful.

Sebastian: We must me careful. [Glances around the room] Mr. Sleaze, perhaps your [finger quotes] talents could aid us in finding any unwelcome suprises. [Gestures daintlily to the room in general]

Alice : [Does a double take on Sebastian] Speaking of unwelcoming suprises, what's this?

Sebastian: [Speaking slowly] It's a dark room, dear. I feel certain you've seen one before.

Chastity: [To Alice, exasperated] That's Sebastian! Yeesh, does everyone have amnesia now?!

Alice : But none as scary as this one!

Chastity: [Scoffs at Alice] What?! I've seen way scarier. [Points at Clint] I've even smelled way scarier.

Sebastian: [pats Alice on the arm, daintily.] Don't worry dear, the Colonel will not allow any harm to come to us. [To Chastity] Nobody has amnesia. Now is not the time to lose one's head.

Harvey : [Claps Sebastian on the shoulder] I say! Well said, lad!

Alice : [Looks at Clint] True, Sister, some things are worse. ### All change : B

Sebastian: [Beams at Harvey] Thanks, Harv! [Points at the barrel] Do you think the baddies are hiding in there?!

Chastity: [Checks her nails. To Sebastian] Why don't you investigate? We'll wait.

Alice : Don't be so foolish, Sebastian! [Pokes Chastity in the back] And you, stop encouraging him. The barrels are clearly full of brandy ingredients.

Clint: [To Sebastian, frustrated.] Stop acting like a four-year old!

Alice : Oh, behave yourself Clint? Can't you see he's just enthusiastic?

Sebastian: I'm not foolish! I can investigate if I want to!!

Sebastian: [to Clint] Do you not like adventure? I'm enthusiastic for it! All heroes are.

Alice : [Looking the barrels up and down] They are very high, someone could fall off. [Touches one] Not to mention the danger of getting splintered!

Chastity: [Examines the barrels] Yes, the lawsuit potential is quite impressive, I must say.

Smock: [To Sebastian] Open one already!

Sebastian: I think Austin should do it. He has all the neat sneaky skills!

Smock: [Sweetly] Will you, Austin?

Harvey : Maybe brute force is needed? Clint?

Clint: Uh, sure, why not? [Raises his door-kicking foot.] Oh, maybe that's not gonna work. [Tries to open a barrel. With his hands.]

Chastity: [Smirking] Brilliant, Mr. Scar. [To Alice] What did you say about brandy-making materials?

Alice : I said that the barrels are probably full of those filthy things.

[CLINT easily opens the top of the barrel, revealing it to be full of a thick orange liquid.]

Austin : [Glances at the others then peers into the liquid and sniffs it carefully] Drained from unwitting victims. [Touches the liquid carefully with his skeltal finger]

[AUSTIN dips his finger in, and the liquid gives a hiss and gives off a huge smell. He the jumps back from the barrel, clutching his arm in the spot that PETER was checking earlier.]

Harvey : Private Sleaze! Are you okay?

Austin : [To Harvey, straining in pain] Just the old injury! [Sighs in pain with a hint of pleasure] Gets the endorphines going! [Looks a little flushed, then goes over to have another look at the liquid. Then inspects his skeletal finger for damage]

Alice : Endorphins, pah! Perhaps you should let Mr. Scar repeatedly kick you in the rear?

[The liquid is now clear. Meanwhile the door to the room opens. PHLOUXSIE and the others are there, but don't come in.]

Phlouxsie : [Angrily] Get out here now! Get out here and - [thinks of something, and suddenly starts speaking in a very nice voice] we won't castrate you at all.

Smock: [To Phlouxsie] Don't lie to us! We're heroes, you know. We're saving the world! [Peers at the changed liquid] Let me try one! [Tries to prise open another barrel]

[SMOCK easily gets the next barrel open, it has the same liquid in it.]

Phlouxsie : You fools! You don't know what you're dealing with!

Austin : [To Smock] No! Don't touch it! [Goes over to the barrel] Let me neutralise it! [Braces himself for the pain and touches the orange liquid with his skeletal finger]

Smock: [To Phlouxsie, hands on her hips] Okay then, smartie. What's this stuff? [Points at the barrel.]

Phlouxsie : No!

[AUSTIN dips his finger in, with a similar effect to the last time, except now he is thrown to the ground, with blood coming out his nose and ear, and clutching his arm. Enter ALTHO KINDLIER.]

Altho : Well, well, returning to the scene of the crime. ### Altho was an ally of the party, who betrayed them after being ### tempted by Balkline, who tried to bribe the party by offering to ### make their dreams come true. ### The party escaped, leaving Altho trapped with Balkline after ### Boddy shot him in the legs to prevent him from escaping. He ### begged Boddy to kill him, because his Nascency Fluid would let ### him return to Euphoria, but he was left there.

The Dreams

Austin : [Grimaces in pain] That wasn't as nice [Gulps some deep breaths of air. To Altho] Come to betray us?

Altho : You betray yourself by your stupidity.

Austin : [Dabbing and frowning at the blood loss areas. To Altho] And Balkaline fooled you. [Deftly quaffs his last healing potion]

Altho : That was part of my cunning strategy to enslave all humans and try to take over the world! [Gives the classic evil maniac laugh, trailing off in a snort]

Chastity: [To Altho] Yes, I'm shivering. [To Austin] Must you keep poking that finger into things? [examines Austin's wounds]

Altho : You should be. You're all going to be enslaved. [To Harvey] Except you, you're going to be tortured horribly and die a slow, lingering death from poison.

Harvey : Sir, you are a buffoon, what! Why have I been singled out?

Altho : Because you're their leader, and you let them leave me to die.

Austin : [To Chastity, shrugging] I'm good at it. It can be fun [Shudders dreamingly at the thought of the pain] Well, quite often anyway. You should try it.

Alice : Yes, it does look like fun. [Rolls her eyes]

Altho : [Takes out a crossbow] Now, I'm not normally into revenge, but... [Fires at Harvey, hitting him]

Harvey : The blackguard has hit me, ow! [Staggers back, and suddenly slumps to the floor]

Austin : [To Altho] You have nascency fluid. You are not dead. [Frowns] Mr Boddy shot you. [Frowns slightly confused] We didn't shoot you. [Looks a little suprised] And you betrayed us.

Austin : [Tries to stab Altho with his dagger] Muderous traitorous scummy idiot!

Altho : [Steps forward and lets Austin stab him] Thank you! [Grimaces in pain as he falls to the ground] I will return to my fluid, but your precious Colonel will die a slow painful death, and you will all be harvested. [Smiles with blood coming from his mouth] I guess Teabag didn't warn you after all. Oh, and furthermore, I uhhh, [Dies]

Alice : Harvey! Talk to me! How many fingers? [Holds up two fingers and accidentally pokes Harvey in the eyes with them]

Austin : [Angry] Poo fiddlesticks and blast! [Looks hurredly to see if he can see Alto's nascency fluid leaing away any where and will try to collect as much as he can in his water bottle]

[As AUSTIN leans in to ALTHO, ALTHO disapears.]

### Remember, when someone dies, they return to their fluid, ### it doesn't stay where they died

Harvey : By the saints, he poisoned me! Teabag must have been speaking true!

[OLIVE BRANCH's voice drifts out from the other end of the room.]

Olive : So, you have returned. This time you will not find it so easy to defeat us. Your one ally has already left. [Slightly louder] Phlouxsie, close the door, I don't want you and the other battle hardened guards to see what is going to happen to them.

Phlouxsie : [Visibly paling as she addresses the party] I tried to warn you - I did give you the chance to be castrated! Hi folks, I'm back now, but we'll restart the game tomorrow (Monday) afternoon. Please send a mail to the group to let us know that you're available. Conor It's disgracefully late in the day and all, but I have joined the land of the living at last! -Tom

Smock: Hold on, Harvey... [Fishes in her pocket and pulls out a clove of garlic. Starts chewing on it as she tries to extract the bolt from Harvey. Spits the garlic into her hand and smears it on the wound, chanting an incantation and tracing a pattern in the air.]

Phlouxsie : Of course, Olive. Let us know if you need someone to sweep up the pieces.

Clint: [Whips out his sword.] Gimme a break. What do you think you're gonna do to us, huh?

Olive : I'm going to harvest your basest desires, and use them against you. I'm going to take the very things that make you human, and use them as weapons against you.

Austin : You will need more.

Clint: What if we don't have any basest desires, huh? Bet you never thought of that, did you?

Sebastian: [emphasis] I don't have bassist desires. All the best heroes prefer the bagpipes...or the kazoo. Stringed instruments get broken to easily in battle. [rolls his eyes and scoffs] Jeez. Everyone knows that.

[HARVEY seems to have stabilised. He isn't getting any worse, but isn't getting any better either.]

Olive : You fools. You ruined Euphoria for ever.

Austin : You were just junkies.

Olive : True, but junkies with really, really good brandy. Now, we've made it even better.

Clint: Ah, but you've committed many crimes in pursuing this course of action, and it is only just that you face the full force of the law. Indictments may be forthcoming on several counts. If you turn yourself in now, perhaps a plea bargain could reduce your punishment...

[Enter OLIVE, stepping forwards, flanked by three hooded figures on either side.]

Olive : [Laughs] Nothing you can do will stop us. [Points at the vats] The brandy is being pumped directly to Euphoria, is a hundred times more pleasing, a thousand times more addictive and yet has only half the calories of Louis XV. Within days, the entire population will become so hopelessly addicted that humans will forever be forced to fornicate.

Alice : Oh, and that's supposed to be a bad thing? You are no good as baddies, you might as well promise us all loads of sweets!

Sebastian: Only half the calories? [interested] Really. [Unconsiously takes a step toward the vats, stops then sighs heavily. Forced outrage.] But that's evil. How can something be a hundred times something AND a thousand times something. It doesn't add up. It's wrong and must be stopped...and we're here to check your numbers.

Alice : [To Seb] Oh come on! Independant variables, Seb! Correlation is not causation, and all that. Gee! What kind of hero doesn't know standard algebra?

Clint: [Didactically] Now now, Alice. I believe you'll find that "correlation is not causation" is a logical principle of use in philosophy, the sciences, and the law. One could hardly expect young Sebastian to be aware of such things, could one?

Alice : Not when he's a big poopy head, anyway! take a short

Clint: Yes, yes. But while this is all very interesting, it is not germane to the point at issue, which is that the party of the first part (viz. us) must stop the party of the second part (viz. Olive) before the party of the second part can chop the party of the first part into tiny pieces.

Sebastian: [Rolls his eyes and sighs with disgust] Can we just get on with it already and stop arguing about which party will chop which party to bits?

Chastity: [Nods]Sebastian is right.

[Each of the hooded figures take out a sword and swipe it around incredibly fast.]

Austin : [Worriedly] Is a confrontation the best? They seem somewhat dangerously quick.

Clint: Would you have us surrender to them instead? Perhaps negotiate a peace? Or do you have something unspeakably clever in mind? But consider... [Takes his sword out and attempts to swipe it around incredibly fast - without hurting any of the party members or, if possible, cutting his belt.]

Chastity: [Shielding her face] Stop that, Clint!

Alice : [Ducking with the rest of the party as Clint swipes his sword around] Wow! What a cool hero thing to do, Clint! [Takes out her own sword and does similar]

Austin : [To Clint] As a matter of fact. [Pauses to examine his nails] I do something unspeakably clever.

[ALICE accidentally lets go of her sword, and it hits AUSTIN, but doesn't draw blood or tear his nice suit.]

Austin : Hey, that hurt, be careful!

Alice : Oops! Sorry Aus!

Sebastian: [Exasperated to the Group] Why can't you all just act your age! [To Olive] That's your plan to take over the world? Make the masses do naughty, sinful things?

Chastity: [To Olive, appalled] That's just dreadful!

Olive : Having the masses do naughty, sinful things is just a means to an end. You humans always make the mistake of believing that you're as important as us, but you're not, you are much lower on the food chain. This is all about controlling the elves. Why on earth would we want to control humans? They disgust us. Everything they say and do is trite.

Alice : Hey! Let's pee in the barrels!

Smock: [Angrily to Olive] Oy, take that back! We're heroes, you know. Which makes us higher. And we're human too. That makes you wrong! [Brattily] So nyer nyer nyer [Pokes her tongue at Olive]

Olive : Not as high as the elves who will sample the emotions of humans!

[The hooded figures begin to spread out and start to advance.]

Clint: [Tries to interpose himself between the figures and the party.] If you insist on resorting to violence to resolve the issue, sobeit. Though it is rather crude and primitive, don't you think?

Olive : What better way to deal with people who are crude and primitive.

Austin : [Coughs irritably] I gave my idea.

Clint: What was your cunning plan again? And quickly, if you please.

Austin : We need to taint these. [Points at the barrels]

Sebastian: Nice one, Aus. Any ideas what to taint them with? [Glances at Alice.] Oh, right. [sighs] Shall we "pee in the barrels?" [whispers so the hoodies can't hear] We can hold them off while Aus sneaks over and spoils the goods.

Austin : Urinating in public isn't me. Perhaps Clint or Alice can?

Sebastian: Ah, don't be such a priss! You have the super-sneak skills...And we need Clint and Alice to fight off the hoodies. Do you want to save your dignity or the world? [To Chastity] What about you?

Chastity: [Mortified] Most decidedly not!

Sebastian: I guess that leaves me. I'm just not all that good at sneaking. [To Chastity] Any other ideas on what we could use to taint the barrels? Something Aus isn't to delicate to deliver?

Clint: Personally, I believe tht Alice's idea is really quite good. Austin shall simply have to overcome his shy bladder.

Chastity: [Ponders the question. Whispers to Sebastian] Maybe, young man!

Sebastian: [whispers excitedly to Chastity] Suspense filled room, the group awaits. The plan thwarts doom. Is that our fates? No one yet knows. Pins and needles. 'Til master shows, outcome reveals What will happen? Who can but tell? We will know when? Oh wicked spell. Do all your harm! and do it now! Unleash your charm, I don't care how! Release that sin! Do what we seek! Don't make Austin, go take a leak.

Chastity: [Claps appreciatively] Brilliant! [Daintily dabs away drops of perspiration and watches to see if the wood warps] Oh, dear!

Sebastian: [pats Chastity on the shoulder] My mother always said "a watched wood won't warp"...or something like that. [His eye wander to the barrles and rest there.He catches himself and quickly covers his eyes. Whispers To Chasity.] Look away!

Chastity: [Hugs Sebastian and covers her eyes with a frilly hanky] Can't bear it!

Sebastian: [Covers Archies eyes with his hands] I know! The suspense is awful. I've never known a spell to take this long. It's almost as though there's a time delay of some sort.

Clint: Have you considered that, perhaps, it simply didn't work?

Chastity: [To Clint, fretting and wringing her hands] Bite your tongue!

Alice : Aw! What a gyp! Some hero you are, Chas! I thought you were just going to - [raises her voice to be heard over the sound of warping and splitting wood] going to increase the tension and then split the [even louder] wood! [Looks around at three nearest barrels, each of which has split] Oh. Well done Chas, you're the second best!

Olive : Kill them! ### All change : D

Chastity: [Whips out her mace] Thank Phili, it worked!

Alice : Let's kick some ass! [Bends down and dips her finger in the brandy that's now gushing out of the barrel] Hm...

Clint: [To the hooded figures] Come get some!

[The hoodies advance on the party.]

Olive : Kill them, before they taint any more! ### Map up on :

The Showdown

Clint: [To Chastity, pointing at the remaining barrels] Ruin those barrels! I'll cover you. [Makes sure to keep between Chas and the hoodies.]

Alice : [To Clint] Come on, Bimbo! Let's get them!

[ALICE and CLINT advance and attack.]

### Alice rolls 20 ### Critical hit table 2. ### Hoodie 1 rolls 3, miss. ### Clint rolls 17, hit. ### Hoodie 6 rolls 5, miss.

Alice : Whoo! Got him!

[ALICE cuts HOODIE ONE completely in half. Much to her dismay, the two halves immediately leap up.]

Alice : Uh oh! ### The party have experienced this before, when fighting with Rourke, back in 3.6

Updated Map [ALICE cuts HOODIE ONE completely in half. Much to her dismay,

Sebastian: Whispers to Austin and Chastity] Try to keep them away from the barrels. [Casts invisibility]

Clint: That's not good. [To hooded figure #1] You were bisected. Die, damn it!

Hoodie-1a : We cannot be destroyed. We are perfect copies of each other.

Hoodie-1b : Yes, copies perfect we are.

Olive : And for your next surprise, remember Stump? ### Stump is an ex party member who was, without doubt, the most obnoxious ### PC ever. He had a crush on Chastity, was suspected of accidentally giving ### Alice a love potion and ultimately betrayed the party and sided with a ### demon.

George "Stump" Crosscreek for the next three of time. That leaves

Chastity: [Horrified] Not that horrid man!

Alice : Bring him on!

[CHASTITY casts her spell again, causing some of the barrels closer to OLIVE to warp and split. The HOODIES advance.]

Alice : You're gonna have to split them fast than that, Chas!

[Each of CLINT and SEBASTIAN hit a hoodie, causing them to cut in half like ALICE's.]

Chastity: [Runs to the unsplit barrels and attempts to tip them over. To Smock, frantically] Come help me, dear!

Clint: Hurry it up! Someone whack Olive! [Changes tactics, trying to hit the hoodies with the side of his sword hoping that they won't split in half that way.]

Sebastian: [To Clint.] Keep them busy! [To Chastity] Keep distracting them Sister. [Moves his way out of the fight]

[SEBASTIAN gives a brief a shimmer and disappears, while SMOCK tries to help CHASTITY tip over a barrel, but fails.]

Olive : [Triumphantly] Come on out, Stump!

Sebastian: [Quite invisible to the naked eye, moves over to the nearest untainted, unwarped barrel and urinates into it.] split as in "cracked but contents intact?"

Olive : [Turns and points at one of the barrels] Something is on one of those! [Takes out a bow] The smell is disgusting!

[ALICE and CLINT grapple with the hoodies, managing to hold them off.]

Alice : Come on, Clint, let's do some fartin'!

Clint: With pleasure, Bimbo. [Lets one loose, with every evidence of great gusto. To Olive.] Take that, skank!

Alice : Yeeha! [Farts a gentle counterpoint to Clint's raucous windbreaking]

Olive : [Clearly put off by the noise, as she fires, apparantly at random] Oh my God! That's the worst thing I've ever smelled!

[There's a cry of pain from on top of one of the barrels, and SEBASTIAN reappears, with a gash on his small finger.]

Alice : Oh no! Did she shoot him in the todger?

Smock : Nope, just a little prick.

[ALICE and CLINT hold off the HOODIES, but each receives several wounds.]

main action,

Chastity: [Watching Clint and Alice] Oh, do be careful! [starts contaminating barrels by shaking laundry powder into them, a few shakes per barrel]

Sebastian: Yes, just a prick. No worries!

[The HOODIES make a huge push, and knock ALICE and CLINT to the ground, and go for CHASTITY and SEBASTIAN.]

Smock : They're overunning all the heroes! [Grabs Harvey's sword] I'll protect you, my Colonel!

Clint: [Struggling with the hoodies.] Get off me! Leave Harv alone! And die already!

Olive : [Irritated] Come on, Stump!

Smock : [Slicing a hoodie on top of Clint in half] I got one of them! [The HOODIE splits in two like before, now with both on top of CLINT.]

Smock : Oh, now I have two!

Clint: [Beginning to turn an attractive shade of mauve.] Good job, kid. Thanks a lot!

Chastity: [To Smock, scolding] Stop helping, young lady! [continues contaminating barrels]

Sebastian: Don't chop! Stab!

[The HOODIES don't appear to be affected by the spell. Enter SAM "SLIM" CROSSCREEK, a well built human about six feet tall.]

Olive : [To Slim] About time, Stump!

Sam "Slim" Crosscreek

Chastity: [To Olive] That is NOT Stump!

Olive : [Laughs humourlessly] Of course he is. What do you think I am? An idiot? [Holds out a photograph of Stump, who is clearly very much not Slim]

Slim : I'm afraid you might be.

Sebastian: You may think he's Stump, but the evidence clearly indicates he is not. [To Slim] Who are you?

Clint: [To Olive] You know something? You're an idiot. A big idiot. A colossal idiot. [Shrugs his shoulders as best he can under the circumstances.] I'm just saying.

Slim : The name's Crosscreek. Sam "Slim" Crosscreek. [Pulls a pose to show how muscular and broad his shoulders are] I'm Stump's brother.

Olive : What? You told me that you were Stump!

Slim : And you told me that all humans look the same to you.

Chastity: [Sputtering] There's no comparison! [Points to Sam] He's [blushes and trails off]. . . .

Olive : Oh, what does it matter! He's with me now!

Slim : I'm afraid not. I'm with them.

[All the HOODIES stop their struggles with CLINT and ALICE and turn to SLIM.]

Hoodies : [In perfect unison] Whaaaaat?

Sebastian: [Whispers to Chasity] Suprise witness?

Chastity: [To Sebastian] It's all so thrilling!

Clint: [Tries to take advantage of the Hoodies' distraction to free himself.] What the hell?

Slim : [Lights a tinderbox] I share Stump's love of pyrotechnics. [Gives Chastity a wink] And for beautiful women. [Throws the tinder box behind him, where a fire very quickly erupts]

[CLINT and ALICE squeeze out from under the hoodies.]

Hoodie-1a : You can't defeat us, we will keep multiplying.

Alice : Yeah? What happens if you catch fire?

Sebastian: [Nods to the barrels] The contents of those will go "boom" no doubt. Perhaps we should seek cover?

Alice : Good idea! I'll take Harvery! [Tries to lift up Harvey and fails] Clint, you take Harvey!

Sebastian: [Does a few tongue exercises, and stretches his jaw out] Green Apples! That was most unsettling! [quickly] Oh to be free to just be me isn't it fine when my words are mine. [Sighs with relief.]

Alice : [Starts dragging harvey by the foot] Come on, someone help me! [Harvey boots comes off, and sends Alice flying] [The HOODIES all make a run for it.]

Olive : Come back! Come back, you cowards!

Sebastian: Servant! Help Alice drag Harvey. [Grabs Smock and tries to pull her away from the flammables] Fire pretty!

[HARVEY's left leg is lifted up, and he is pulled behind some of the barrels.]

Smock : I wanna see the pretty fire!

Chastity: [To Smock, scolding] Fire is NOT pretty! It's destructive and dreadful, and very dangerous. [fusses over Harvey worriedly]

Sebastian: tongues of orange and yellow and red licking away to quelch the cold shimmering waves of hidden warmth flowing through whatever stands bold leaving ash. fire pretty, trees dead

Alice : [Almost behind cover] I thought it was tree pretty, fire bad? What do you think Harvey?

Harvey : Uuuuuuh.

[SLIM dives for cover as the flames grow higher.]

Olive : I am not happy about this! [Points at the party] I warn you - I am not happy about this!

[OLIVE is engulfed by a fairly large explosion, which all the party, as well as SLIM, are well covered from.]

Clint: Burn, baby, burn! [Cautiously sticks his head around the corner to observe the aftermath.] That was a blast!

[Enter FLEABAG, nonchalantly strolling out of JASMINE's room.]

Fleabag : Ah, I see. The Colonel was poisoned. [Gives Austin a polite golf clap] Well played, Simple.

Austin : That was not my responsibility, I had no way of knowing what would happen.

Fleabag : If only someone had warned you all not to bring him in.

Chastity: [To Fleabag, worriedly] How can we cure him?!

Fleabag : [Shrugs] Maybe Olive could help you out with that? [Looks into the room to see that all that's left of Olive are two smoking boots] [Enter JASMINE.]

Jasmine : Aiiiiee! What you do? What happen?

Chastity: [To Jasmine] He's been poisoned! We must do something!

Clint: Someone should suck the poison out! [Looks around, then focuses on Jasmine] Sounds right up your alley, doll.

Alice : Ew! Clint!

[CHASTITY's spell seems to have stabilised HARVEY, but he's definitely not getting any better.]

Smock : What are we going to do? What are we gonna do?

Clint: Dammit! I guess we're gonna have to find ourselves a new healer or something.

Sebastian: Would he survive that long?

Fleabag : We could always pick up a cure in Euphoria.


Danvers : What is going on here?

Sebastian: Isn't this room beautiful? The theme here seems to be "fire." The ladies here do have a sense of flare, don't they?

Danvers : How dare you! I'm going to make you sorry!

Alice : What are you going to do? Get Olive after him?

Danvers : [Taken aback] Well, yes!

Sebastian: [Somewhat confused. Innocently.] How dare...Sorry for what? Complimenting you and the ladies here on you decorating style? [Strolls around the room, surveying the new look] Perhaps they took it a little too far...but I think it's quite lovely. [Addresses Olive's shoes] Don't you Miss Olive?

Clint: [To Mrs. Danvers, helpfully] What he's trying to say is that Olive's toast.

Chastity: [To Clint] That is NOT what he said. [To Mrs. Danvers, politely] We had a bit of an oopsie, dear. Not to worry, though, as surely the fire will put itself out any minute now. Now, be a dear--have you any poison curatives in your medicine cabinet?

Alice : Oh please! This isn't the time to pussy foot around - this is the time to be obnoxiously aggressive and threatening. Smock? Clint? Go to it. After all, her boss has been toasted.

Danvers : My boss? I - I don't know what you're talking about. Olive? I don't know any Olive, and, why, I've never seen those boots before in my life!

Sebastian: [To Clint] That is NOT what I said. [Under his breath to Sir Archie] I would never say that! It's so crass. "Toast" indeed.

Clint: Of course that's not what he said. It's just what he [with emphasis] should have said. [To Danvers] You. We need an antidote. Hop to it, granny, we don't have all day. Or, we could just tell everyone what you've been up to. And don't bother deying it - I heard you say you'd sic Olive on us. Chop chop! [To Jasmine] Err... sorry about getting your fiance poisoned. It just sort of happened.

Sebastian: [To Clint] Words are just as important as swords, dear...and there are more to choose from so you must be careful. [To Danvers] Please excuse the eternal rudeness of my companions. [waves dismissively at Harvey] We seem to have gotten our military-man poisoned inadvertantly. Your help in curing him of his surely fatal wounds would be greatly appreciated. Time is of the essence, dear.

Danvers : I don't have any poison antidotes! What kind of place do you think this is?

Chastity: [To Danvers] An extremely naughty place, with all manner of shady characters lurking! Perfect place for poisonings!!

Sebastian: [Deadly serious] Yours is a house of mysteries, my Lady. And it would be unwise of you to deny that now. We are running out of time to save our companion...and I think [nods at Clint] some of us have shown we are not above violence and treachery when backed into a corner.

Danvers : I'm not denying anything!

Alice : Another denial!

Danvers : Sure, it's a house of mystery, naughtiness and shadiness. But here we poison people, we don't cure them!

Sebastian: [Slowly moves over to where Altho died] Certainly you keep some antidote around in case of accidental poisoning? You're smart enough to know that in a place like this...accidents happen.

Danvers : Sure, we have the antidotes to our poisons, not to Ol - not to that stranger, whoever she was.

Chastity: [Outraged and shaken, to Danvers] Liar! You march right back to your room and get that antidote! Now, missy!

Danvers : You have no right to speak to me like that! I don't think you realise quite what my position is!

Alice : It looks like your whorehouse is on fire, and that the very girls who trusted you to protect them are little more than tools for you to harvest emotions for elves who want to enslave them, so I guess your position is [finger quotes] screwed, which is kind of ironic, really, when you consider that you're the brothel madam!

Sebastian: [Stops near the crossbow] You're right, Alice. [Looks around the room] Those poor girls had no part in this. [Bends over and picks of a few pieces of debris tossing it into a pile.] Perhaps we should help clean up...for their benefit. Don't you think so Alice? Clint?

Alice : [Indignantly] No! [Looks at Slim] So, thanks for blowing up the evil elf and all. What's your story?

Slim : [Cringing at her voice, but giving her the complete and obvious looking over, then running his hands through his hair] So that is what he meant by what money can buy. Oh, you said something. Oh yeah. I'm trying to find my brother. Apparently his ying is out-of-line with his yang. Huh. What's your story?

Chastity: [To Slim, frowning] Young man, you are clearly in distress and speaking gibberish. Here, let me examine you. [attempts to fuss with Slim, checking his eyes, feeling his forehead, etc.]

Alice : [Momentarily confused at Slim's cringe] Uh, your brother is [incredulously] Stump?

Alice : [Gives Chastity a curious look] Uh, Chas? You doin' okay, there?

Chastity: [Wringing her hands] No, I am not! There's a fire blazing, the good Colonel lost his mind and then fell to poison I can't cure, and Smock still has dirty fingernails!

Clint: Everyone loves a good fire, Chas, and there's nothing wrong with a little dirt! [Glances at his own hands.] And didn't someone say something about getting an antidote for Harv in Euphoria? So what's the worry?

Chastity: [Recomposed] You have a point, Mr. Scar. Well, not about the first two. [To the party, teary-eyed] Take heart, troop! We shall journey to Euphoria immediately and find an antidote for our beloved Colonel. [To Jasmine, trying to stifle a shudder] Miss Harlot, would you please care for the Colonel in our absence?

Jasmine : I tell you what problem is! [Points at Chastity] She jealous! She try to kill my fiance!

Fleabag : [Nods at Clint's words] Well said, Big General. Let's all calm down.

Sebastian: [Glances longingly at the crossbow, then sighs heavily] Are we sure he can wait that long?

Jasmine : I sure! You get out! You done enough damage!

Sebastian: [Shrugs casually at Jasmine. To Slim, surveying the damage admirably] It certainly is lovely. It's a remarkable talent you have been blessed with. Poetry with flame and torch. [A tear forms in the corner of his eye] A true artist.

Fleabag : All aboard the express to Euphoria!

Slim: [To Alice] And what is your point? What, you can't handle the truth? My brother is a sweet, though fat, person who has lost contact with his inner self. [In a sarcastic voice] You probably could use some too.

Alice : [Looks around her, bewildered] Huh? Is he talking to me? I asked if Stump is your brother. [Loudly and slowly] Is Stump your brother?

Slim: [Takes both hands, slides them quickly through his hair, and whisks his head to one side] Yes. He IS my brother. You need a hearing aid. [Mumbling a question] My brother got lucker with her?

Slim: [Taking out a clean cloth from a bag and using it to wipe off grime from his exposed skin] My brother told me about you all, and how a certain one, the love of his life, broke his heart. He had great admiration for most of you, but that changed. Now I'm here to find him and bring him back to the light. To show him that is Chi is running afoul. [To Austin] Did I get everything off?

Sebastian: [claps his hands together with glee] Splendid! Since I don't know your brother...I imagine he didn't mention me. I am Sebastian Waugh, former Lord Mayor, and lifetime poet and adventurer. [Give a deep dramatic bow] This [holds up Sir Archie] is Sir Archibald Carruthers, my faithful companion. [Lowers his voice and points to his right cheek] Missed a little there.

Slim: [tries handing his towel to Sebastian] Would you mind? Sticking up his left cheek. [Still in that position] No, he only mentioned a couple of others.

Austin : [Frowns at Slim] I don't know. It depends on what you were trying to get off.

Alice : Yeooouch, he's certainly as unpleasant as Stump, anyhow.

Smock : Wow! You sure do look like a genuine hero, Mister.

Austin : [Flicks open a pocket mirror and examines his reflection] Ah. Perfect. Shuts it again. To Euphoria, then.

Sebastian: [Nods and takes the towel and wipes the smudge from Slim's cheek] That gets it. I applaud your attention to your appearance. [Hands the towel back to Slim] The life of an arsonist must be awfully sooty. [Sighs heavily] I understand. My art tends to require ink which is equally troublesome. But we must carry on, right? --- F \ No newline at end of file

Sebastian: [Rolls his eyes at Austin.] Depends on what you mean by perfect. [to group] Shall we then?

Austin : [Smiles smugly at Sebastian] Quite.

Smock : I'm not going.

Sebastian: [Shrugs indifferently at Austin. To Smock] And why is that Little Sister? Don't you want to continue your hero work?

Slim: [to sebastian] Well, actually that is a part time hobby sometimes. I'm into necro stuff. You know, raising the dead, controlling the dead, talking to the dead? [Turns to Smock] Uh...well...I...could a hero I g..g.guess. [Smock falls to the ground, feignted]

Austin : [Smiles at Sebastian] Excellent. [Examines his perfectly manicured nails]

Smock : Someone has to stay to look after Harvey, and now that you've got a big hero, you - huh? What happened?

Alice : [Pokes Slim with a stick] Maybe he's asleep?

Sebastian: [Kneels down beside Slim, gently pushing on his shoulder] Smelling salts anyone? Anything pungent? Austin, quick, put your armpit near his nose. [To Smock] Jasmine said she's watch over Harvey for us. Are you feeling okay, dear? It seems unlike you to not seek out the adventure.

Austin : That's okay, Sebastian, your mouth is close enough for him to smell your bad breath.

Smock : I don't trust her. I'm going to stay here to make sure the Colonel will be okay. It'll mean that I won't be with the party for a while, but, someone must stay with him.

Alice : I think that's a great idea, Smock!

Sebastian: [To Austin] You are probably right. [Exhales strongly toward Slim. To Austin] Incidentally, I think a cinder landed on you. You're hair is all singed in the back. [To Smock] That is very brave of you, dear. You are probably right. But shouldn't someone else stay behind as well? Remember what happened the last time you were separated from the group. We want you to be safe.

Slim: [Looks up at Alice from below and smiles] Awesome view sweets, aren't you a bit cold under there?

Alice : [To the party] He's [emphasis] definitely Stump's brother.

Austin : [To Sebastian, not reacting to the singe remark] Perhaps you should stay?

Sebastian: [Shrugs at Austin] Okay. I will. [To Slim] Are you feeling better, now?

Slim: Did I miss something? [standing up] Why are we splitting up? I was just getting to know everybody. I would love it if we all went together. I really would. Truely Smock...w.w.we should all this together.

Chastity : The Colonel, [gestures to Harvey] has been poisoned, and we are heading to Euphoria to get a cure. Young Smock has offered to stay with him, which I think is a most excellent and mature idea, given his fragile state. [Gestures to Sebastian] Sebastian also seems to wish to stay, although I'm not sure if that's neccessary.

Smock : [Nods] I have to look after the Colonel, Slim.

Slim: [to Smock] O..ok. Best I guess. [Looks at the Colonel, then to Sebastan] Take care of them. I will return. [To everyone else] Ok then, lets go and save the colonel. [Then there is a pause] You know, Austin, you have a magnificant member. How did you manage that?

Sebastian: [to Chastity] I just think it's too dangerous here for Smock to stay by herself. Of course, I defer to your excellent judgement Sister. I must say I'm shocked that any of you think it's wise to leave her alone her given all the trouble we've ran into. We have no idea how long the trip to Euphoria will be.

Chastity : I do believe that all the trouble was as a result of Olive, and now that all that's left of her are her boots, I don't imagine any problem.

Austin : [To Slim] That's correct. I am pleased that you noticed, although somewhat disconcerted at the fact.

Slim: She looks...mmm...old enough and mature enough for me? My brother was a Druid and, had he stayed as one, would have been pretty good. So I don't see any problems. If I had the power, I would create an undead to carry the Colonel, but I'm not quite that far yet. Why can't we just get a pony and wagon and take him with us?

Sebastian: [nods uncertainly to Chasity. To Smock] Alright then, Little Sister. Do you have everything you need? Food, water, weapons, toilet tissue, a book to read? Do you need anything before we leave? We leave Harvey's life in your capable hands. Don't talk to strangers, or take any candy from them. And try not to get killed for God's sake. [Gives Smock a big hug]

Smock : [Returns the hug] You look after yourself and Archie - make sure you bring the cure back.

Alice : [To Slim] It's a difficult path to Euphoria, full of bumpy roads, condescending elves and murderous morks.

Jasmine : [To Slim] Aiiee! They do enough damage! They to blame for this! They told not do it, they do it! See?

[A brief silence passes.]

Alice : Uh, and that too.

Slim: Austin, you should never feel embarrassed about perfection. It's sheer amazing. Look at Alice. She has a bod people would love to get ahold of. Look at Chastity, well, my brother thought she was perfect. Look at Sebastian...don't know, but he probably has something that is perfect. And Smock, well, she is...has...can...seems...definately [Slim trails off] Anyway, we are all perfect in some manner. And if something is out of place, then I know of a way to get it in balance again.

Austin : Fear not, Mr. Slim, I have lived with perfection long enough not to be embarrassed about it. [To Smock] Please be careful, we will return. Colonel, we leave you in good hands.

Jasmine : Aiiee! You still here?

Austin : For the most part.

Sebastian: [Brightly to Slim] I have Sir Archie. He is perfect.

Alice : [Comes back from saying goodbye to Harvey] Okay, I think we should go now. Oh, just one thing. [Whispers something to Jasmine]

Jasmine : [Pales slightly] Aiiieee! You have tongue like hooker! And I mean that in bad way!

Clint: [Puzzled] What way is that? You're talking nonsense, sweetcheeks!

Chastity: [To Smock] Do be careful on your own, dear. [Digs through her bag and comes back with a stack of papers] Oh, and here is a little homework to keep you abreast of your studies while we are apart. Last fom Heathe #198

Smock : Cool - we might need them for heat!

Jasmine : You go now! Go! Get lost!

Sebastian: [Gives Smock one more hug] You take care of yourself, Little Sister. [Eyes Jasmine warily] Do not let your guard down. [To Slim] Do you know the way to Euphoria?

Sir Archie: [Stares at Slim, summing him up with his glassy eyes.]

Clint: And stay the hell away from Leslie next time, kid! See ya around. [Starts towards the nearest available exit.]

Fleabag : [Heading down the stairs too] I know the way, Big General.

Slim: It depends on what Euphoria you are talking about. Death can be a euphoria, hitting some waves can be a Euphoria, shacking up with Alice could be a euphoria, or it is that way [Slim points out a window].

Sebastian: [Slowly. Uncertain] 'Kay. [Follows the directing Slim is pointing with his eyes and shrugs] I suggest haste in our endeavor. Harvey's wounds are grave and most surely fatal.

Austin : Incorrect. If Harvey's wounds were fatal, there would be no point in trying to find a cure. [To Slim] Are we to believe that you know the way to Euphoria? Is there some reason that we should trust you more than a male prostitute? [Gestures to Fleabag]

Sebastian: [shrugs indifferently] If they aren't fatal, then why bother trying to find a cure? [To Fleabag] Is Euphoria in that direction? [points to where Slim pointed]

Austin : Because if we don't find a cure, they will prove fatal.

Fleabag : It sure is, Pretty.

Sebastian: [Rolls his eyes at Austin] And seeing as how we are just standing around debating it...and not actually finding a cure...his wounds are surely fatal. So I suggest we go find a cure now. [To Slim and Fleabag] Lead on.

Austin : Please try not to shrug and roll your eyes so much Sebastian.

Fleabag : Oh no, Pretty, I think think Slim here will be a better guide. I'm going to stay here and help look after the Colonel. [Gives a wink] Teabag would never forgive me if anything happened.

Slim: [with an air of confidence] Don't you worry, the Colonel is in good hands. We will return [Slim looks up] after I'm done. [Slim starts stretching, then doing some jumping jacks, followed by sittups, pushups, fake boxing, and squats, finally followed up by sitting indian style and repeating "ulm"]

Jasmine : Aiiie! Out! Out! Get out!

[Exit the party.]

Jasmine : [To those remaining in the scene, in a very cultured accent] Well, I rather thought that they would never leave. Let us have some tea and cake.