THE QUEENS VIEW AFFAIR - 5.5

[Book V, Act V, Scene I. A Swanky Hotel. ALICE, CLINT, HARVEY, MONTY and SMOCK are here, coming through the doorway. It is three hours later, and AUSTIN has already been buried. The angry mob that was so enraged has disappeared, and the party had no problem simply walking away from MARIA's castle. The hotel, which seems completely devoid of other guests, is just a short walk from where it happened, and all of the party members are exhausted and covered in dirt, cuts, bruises and bits of MARIA. At the reception is a well dressed clerk, RICHARD CLIFF, who looks horrified at the state of the party.]

Richard : [Drawn out] Ye-es. May I help you?

Alice : [Slaps twenty blood soaked gold pieces on the counter] We want rooms for the night.

Richard : I'm sorry, the hotel is, er, full.

Smock: But there's no one here!

Richard : Everyone's in their rooms.

Alice : [Looking at all the keys hanging up behind Richard] And they left their keys here?

Richard : We, uh, locked them in.

Smock: [Disbelieving] Yeah? How come?

Richard : Because of the um, the [mumbles something incoherent]

Monty : [Politely.] I see, because they all wished to leave. In that case, you may allow some of them to leave and we shall take their place. Quite aside from which, you'd hardly want guests in our state to be seen leaving the hotel, now would you? Far better to give us rooms that we may tidy up a bit before striding back out the door in full view of the public.

Smock: Yeah, because they're heroes and they're famous and it would be bad business.

Richard : [Looking the party up and down] Quite. Now, please, run along. The hotel is quite full, and, in any event, it is sixty gold pieces per room.

Harvey : [To Richard] Look here you chappie, one of my men has just been murdered, Private Scar's fiancee has just been abducted, Sister Chastity has fallen ill and gone missing and your hotel is empty! Where's your compassion!

Clint: [To Richard] Right. We've got two broads here who just love doing laundry, and they can go to work right away [nods encouragingly at Alice and Smock]. Also, [points at Monty] this guy is smart. Maybe you can figure out some way that could come in handy. All that oughta get us paid up, easy. Me and Harv'll take our room keys now [puts his hand out expectantly].

Smock: [To Clint] I am not doing laundry!

Clint: [To Smock, condescendingly] Now, kid, you're never gonna catch a husband with that attitude. You want to live all alone forever with no man to protect you?

Alice : Neither am I!

[Enter AGATHA BASSETT-SHORT, an extremely attractive woman, dressed in fabulous clothes. She looks as though she is in her early thirties.]

### Agatha is, of course, one of Alice's sisters, and has met ### Clint and Harvey before. She is now 38, but looks much ### younger than that

Richard : [To the party] Excuse me! [Turns to Agatha with a snivelling look] Hello Miss Bassett-Short, your new suite is ready. We're awfully sorry about that explosion.

Agatha : [Wearing a pair hugely expensive shades] That's okay, uh .. [clicks her fingers few times]

Richard : [Enthusiastically] Richard! [Nods]

Agatha : [With a thin smile] Of course. My key?

Alice : [With a gasp] Agatha?

Alice : [Does a double take] Agatha?

Agatha : [Looks at Alice] Oh my god, what a state. [Snootily] About to get thrown out of another reputable establishment I see, no change there then. [Clicks her fingers again. To Richard] My key?

Alice : [To the party, completely stunned] This is Agatha!

Smock: [To Alice] You know her? [Looks at Agatha, clearly unimpressed.]

Clint: [To Agatha, with a big cheesy smile] Hey, toots. Looking hot! Say, mind helping out your baby sis? We could use some coin, unless you don't mind old Alice turning to hooking to pay the bills, of course?

Monty : Especially when she's been so well behaved these past few mon... [Pauses.] Ahem. Minutes.

Agatha : [Looks more closely, and then lifts up her shades] Alice? You look just awful. [With a smile] You haven't changed a bit!

Alice : [To Smock] She's my sister. My much older sister. [Goes to give her a hug]

Agatha : [Holds her hand up to stop Alice] Please, Alice. Not when I'm wearing such a nice suit.

Alice : Oh. Sorry.

Clint: [Nods and waves Monty off] Yeah, yeah. I know her. So, doll, you gonna fork over for poor old Alice or what?

Monty : [Introducing the party.] Montgomery Giles, Clint Scar, Smock, and I imagine that you already know Colonel Harvey?

Harvey : Ha! Of course we know each other! [Gives Agatha a massive bear hug] Ah, dear niece, how are you?

Smock: [Sadly] He died...

Agatha : [Giving Clint the flirty once over. To Clint] Why of course Mr Scar. [To Richard] A five room suite for my sister and her friends please [Puts a purse full of gold on the counter] That should cover it. [Looks at Harvey] Still playing soldiers uncle Harvey? [Tuts] One of these days you'll get somebody killed. [Glances around] Where IS Mr Sleaze, now there's a man who knows how to dress. [Blows an aristocratic smoke ring after drawing from her

Richard : Of course, of course, I was just arranging a room for them as you came in, as a matter of fact!

Harvey : So, dear Agatha, you must be overjoyed to bump into your sister in this place! What are the chances, eh? Eh? By the saints, what a coincidence!

Smock: Gimme the keys. [Holds a hand out to Richard.]

Agatha : [Shruging off the hug. To Harvey] Well, not a total coincidence, uncle Harvey, I have been looking for you all for some time, that's why I came to Echolalia, to find you all.

Monty : [To Smock.] I do hope that you're not one of those youngsters who refuses to take a bath? We're all rather in need of them at the moment, and I'm afraid that we can't let you be an exception...

Clint: [To Agatha] Why have you been looking for us?

Alice : I'm her sister, what other reason does she need?

[RICHARD holds out the keys to SMOCK, who quickly snatches them.]

Agatha : [To Alice] Well, since the fire at the house and your trail of scandals I thought it best to track you down, I'll explain in more detail later dhalings. [Does a super sweet don't hastle me right now or I'll bite your head off smile]

Alice : [Sigh] Yes, Agatha. [To the others] Come on, let's go up.

[Everyone but RICHARD heads upstairs.]

Richard : [Calling after them] Thanks for everything! Have a nice stay!

[The party enter a huge, swanky suite, with a luxurious sitting room.]

Alice : [Flops into a big seat] So, Aggie, what's the news? Where's everyone else? Is Daddy okay?

Clint: [Instantly strips down to his ratty underwear and moldy, mismatched, moth-eaten socks] Where's the mini-bar? [Scratches himself obscenely and begins searching the room for the mini-bar]

Agatha: [Fixing herself a large Louis XIV. To Alice] Yes, yes sweetie, mummy and daddy, are living with cousin Terence at the moment. [Thinks her large Louis XIV isn't large enough and pours in some more. Then takes a deep swig]

Agatha : [Looks momentarily perplexed at Clint] Dahaling there is no 'mini' bar, just this [Looks at the drinks cabinet] cabinet full of bottles and glasses. [Saunters over to the window and has a casual look outside]

Clint: [Watches Agatha, wide-eyed. Reaches for the Louis XIV] Don't mind if I do!

Clint: [Takes a swig of Louis XIV and is immediately blissed out. To Agatha] Hey, baby. Got a boyfriend or anything?

Agatha : [Looks at Clint] Only when it suits me Mr Scar [Blows a sexy smoke ring] The rooms all have ensuite bathrooms you know, no need to wait for the others to finish scrubbing up.

Monty : [Checks to see whether the place has proper bathing and/or laundering facilities.] [Sighs.] Mr. Scar, such comments can't but help to fuel the rumors of scandal in our wake. Do have some decorum.

Monty : [Slowly and darkly.] I don't think so, Mr. Scar. [Enters his room, locks and bolts the door, then heads to the shower to clean up - locking and bolting that if possible as well.]

Clint: [Totally mellow. Takes another swig of brandy. To Monty, thoughtfully] You know what? YOU need to get laid. [To Agatha] Help a brother out? [nods at Monty and wiggles his eyebrows encouragingly]

Clint: [Watches Monty leave, puzzled. To Alice] What's HER problem?! [shrugs and takes another swig]

Harvey : [To Clint] I say private Scar, I'll not have you attempting to tempt one of my nieces into some form of debauched conduct with private Giles, what!

Clint: [Snorts good-naturedly] I hate to break it to you, Harv, but I don't think I'd have to tempt a gal like that! [Winks and shoots a finger gun at Agatha, guzzling some more brandy in the process]

Agatha : Uncle Harvey, darling, I hate to break it to you, but I suspect the difficulty would be tempting Private Files into some sort of debauched conduct with a female. ### Yes, she did say Files.

Smock: [After being seen running in and out of everyone's room, bounds into the sitting room and dumps a booty of slippers, soaps and chocolates on a sofa. Excitedly] Look at all this cool stuff people left behind!

Harvey : Ah, wonderful, their loss is our gain, what! [Unwraps a chocolate and starts eating for a moment, before spitting the contents into his handkerchief] Confounded fruit smelling soaps!

Agatha : Ah, Harvey, I see you still haven't changed. [Smiles] Although your breath does smell that little bit nicer. Now, what [emphasis] have you people been up to?

Agatha : [Looks more closely, and then lifts up her shades] Alice? You look just awful. [With a smile] You haven't changed a bit!

Alice : [To Smock] She's my sister. My much older sister. [Goes to give her a hug]

Agatha : [Holds her hand up to stop Alice] Please, Alice. Not when I'm wearing such a nice suit.

Alice : Oh. Sorry.

Clint: [Nods and waves Monty off] Yeah, yeah. I know her. So, doll, you gonna fork over for poor old Alice or what?

Monty : [Introducing the party.] Montgomery Giles, Clint Scar, Smock, and I imagine that you already know Colonel Harvey?

Harvey : Ha! Of course we know each other! [Gives Agatha a massive bear hug] Ah, dear niece, how are you?

Smock: [Sadly] He died...

Agatha : [Giving Clint the flirty once over. To Clint] Why of course Mr Scar. [To Richard] A five room suite for my sister and her friends please [Puts a purse full of gold on the counter] That should cover it. [Looks at Harvey] Still playing soldiers uncle Harvey? [Tuts] One of these days you'll get somebody killed. [Glances around] Where IS Mr Sleaze, now there's a man who knows how to dress. [Blows an aristocratic smoke ring after drawing from her

Richard : Of course, of course, I was just arranging a room for them as you came in, as a matter of fact!

Harvey : So, dear Agatha, you must be overjoyed to bump into your sister in this place! What are the chances, eh? Eh? By the saints, what a coincidence!

Smock: Gimme the keys. [Holds a hand out to Richard.]

Agatha : [Shruging off the hug. To Harvey] Well, not a total coincidence, uncle Harvey, I have been looking for you all for some time, that's why I came to Echolalia, to find you all.

Monty : [To Smock.] I do hope that you're not one of those youngsters who refuses to take a bath? We're all rather in need of them at the moment, and I'm afraid that we can't let you be an exception...

Clint: [To Agatha] Why have you been looking for us?

Alice : I'm her sister, what other reason does she need?

[RICHARD holds out the keys to SMOCK, who quickly snatches them.]

Agatha : [To Alice] Well, since the fire at the house and your trail of scandals I thought it best to track you down, I'll explain in more detail later dhalings. [Does a super sweet don't hastle me right now or I'll bite your head off smile]

Alice : [Sigh] Yes, Agatha. [To the others] Come on, let's go up.

[Everyone but RICHARD heads upstairs.]

Richard : [Calling after them] Thanks for everything! Have a nice stay!

[The party enter a huge, swanky suite, with a luxurious sitting room.]

Alice : [Flops into a big seat] So, Aggie, what's the news? Where's everyone else? Is Daddy okay?

Clint: [Instantly strips down to his ratty underwear and moldy, mismatched, moth-eaten socks] Where's the mini-bar? [Scratches himself obscenely and begins searching the room for the mini-bar]

Agatha: [Fixing herself a large Louis XIV. To Alice] Yes, yes sweetie, mummy and daddy, are living with cousin Terence at the moment. [Thinks her large Louis XIV isn't large enough and pours in some more. Then takes a deep swig]

Agatha : [Looks momentarily perplexed at Clint] Dahaling there is no 'mini' bar, just this [Looks at the drinks cabinet] cabinet full of bottles and glasses. [Saunters over to the window and has a casual look outside]

Clint: [Watches Agatha, wide-eyed. Reaches for the Louis XIV] Don't mind if I do!

Clint: [Takes a swig of Louis XIV and is immediately blissed out. To Agatha] Hey, baby. Got a boyfriend or anything?

Agatha : [Looks at Clint] Only when it suits me Mr Scar [Blows a sexy smoke ring] The rooms all have ensuite bathrooms you know, no need to wait for the others to finish scrubbing up.

Monty : [Checks to see whether the place has proper bathing and/or laundering facilities.] [Sighs.] Mr. Scar, such comments can't but help to fuel the rumors of scandal in our wake. Do have some decorum.

Monty : [Slowly and darkly.] I don't think so, Mr. Scar. [Enters his room, locks and bolts the door, then heads to the shower to clean up - locking and bolting that if possible as well.]

Clint: [Totally mellow. Takes another swig of brandy. To Monty, thoughtfully] You know what? YOU need to get laid. [To Agatha] Help a brother out? [nods at Monty and wiggles his eyebrows encouragingly]

Clint: [Watches Monty leave, puzzled. To Alice] What's HER problem?! [shrugs and takes another swig]

Harvey : [To Clint] I say private Scar, I'll not have you attempting to tempt one of my nieces into some form of debauched conduct with private Giles, what!

Clint: [Snorts good-naturedly] I hate to break it to you, Harv, but I don't think I'd have to tempt a gal like that! [Winks and shoots a finger gun at Agatha, guzzling some more brandy in the process]

Agatha : Uncle Harvey, darling, I hate to break it to you, but I suspect the difficulty would be tempting Private Files into some sort of debauched conduct with a female. ### Yes, she did say Files.

Smock: [After being seen running in and out of everyone's room, bounds into the sitting room and dumps a booty of slippers, soaps and chocolates on a sofa. Excitedly] Look at all this cool stuff people left behind!

Harvey : Ah, wonderful, their loss is our gain, what! [Unwraps a chocolate and starts eating for a moment, before spitting the contents into his handkerchief] Confounded fruit smelling soaps!

Agatha : Ah, Harvey, I see you still haven't changed. [Smiles] Although your breath does smell that little bit nicer. Now, what [emphasis] have you people been up to?

Clint: [Digs through the pile of stuff Smock brought in. Picks up all the robes and creates a large nest in one corner of the room and snuggles into it blissfully. Guzzles some brandy] Oh, you people gotta try this.

Alice : So, you, uh, you got over Dominique okay then, Clint?

Clint: [Snaps at Alice] Shut up, Bimbo! [Pulls a robe over his head hunkers down in the nest]

Agatha : Ah, I see your diplomatic skills are still strong, [with genuine relish] Bimbo.

Alice : Sheesh! I was just asking a question. [Mutters under her breath] Bad Eggatha. So, uh, did anyone notice that things in the last few days seemed to have borne out some of the things that we saw in those readings?

The Party Readings

Clint: [Still covered with the robe. Snorts] What?! The lawyer's said everything would turn out peachy for him, and see how much good that did him?!

Alice : But it also said that he would be betrayed, and, well, he was, wasn't he?

Monty : [Has no comment at this time, since he's not present!]

Smock: [Checks how tall she is in a mirror.] I didn't grow none. But, well, we did get defeated and lost Austin. Though I don't know how he got enlightenment from that. :)

Clint: [Peeks out from the robe and bellows] He didn't! He just got buried!

Smock: Exactly. [Goes to bang on Monty's door] Monty, Monty! We need your smartness!

Agatha : Oh dear, things aren't going well at all for you, are they?

Alice : Well, at least mine didn't come true.

Agatha : What was yours?

Alice : That I'd be completely financially broke.

Agatha : [Serious face] Ah.

Clint: [Calls out to Monty teasingly] Yeah, what'cha doing in there, egghead?? [makes obnoxious WOOHOO noises, stopping only to guzzle more brandy]

Monty : [Calls back a reply, but the intervening doors muffle it too much to be understood.]

Agatha : [To Smock] Yes, quite. I can see how he would be a valuable asset to any group of people.

Smock: [Frowning, to Agatha] What would you know? You and your fancy suit. I bet you wouldn't last one day doing what these heroes do! You're just spoilt and snotty.

Smock: [Frowning, to Agatha] What would you know? You and your fancy suit. I bet you wouldn't last one day doing what these heroes do! You're just spoilt and snotty.

Agatha : Whereas you, my dear, are merely snotty. Yes, I'm quite sure I wouldn't be up to all the drinking, washing and mumbling that seems to go on.

Clint: [Snorts noisily at Agatha's remark, quickly dissolving into giggles. To Agatha, suddenly confused] Wait, what were we talking about?

Clint: [Digs through the pile of stuff Smock brought in. Picks up all the robes and creates a large nest in one corner of the room and snuggles into it blissfully. Guzzles some brandy] Oh, you people gotta try this.

Alice : So, you, uh, you got over Dominique okay then, Clint?

Clint: [Snaps at Alice] Shut up, Bimbo! [Pulls a robe over his head hunkers down in the nest]

Agatha : Ah, I see your diplomatic skills are still strong, [with genuine relish] Bimbo.

Alice : Sheesh! I was just asking a question. [Mutters under her breath] Bad Eggatha. So, uh, did anyone notice that things in the last few days seemed to have borne out some of the things that we saw in those readings?

The Party Readings

Clint: [Still covered with the robe. Snorts] What?! The lawyer's said everything would turn out peachy for him, and see how much good that did him?!

Alice : But it also said that he would be betrayed, and, well, he was, wasn't he?

Monty : [Has no comment at this time, since he's not present!]

Smock: [Checks how tall she is in a mirror.] I didn't grow none. But, well, we did get defeated and lost Austin. Though I don't know how he got enlightenment from that. :)

Clint: [Peeks out from the robe and bellows] He didn't! He just got buried!

Smock: Exactly. [Goes to bang on Monty's door] Monty, Monty! We need your smartness!

Agatha : Oh dear, things aren't going well at all for you, are they?

Alice : Well, at least mine didn't come true.

Agatha : What was yours?

Alice : That I'd be completely financially broke.

Agatha : [Serious face] Ah.

Clint: [Calls out to Monty teasingly] Yeah, what'cha doing in there, egghead?? [makes obnoxious WOOHOO noises, stopping only to guzzle more brandy]

Monty : [Calls back a reply, but the intervening doors muffle it too much to be understood.]

Agatha : [To Smock] Yes, quite. I can see how he would be a valuable asset to any group of people.

Smock: [Frowning, to Agatha] What would you know? You and your fancy suit. I bet you wouldn't last one day doing what these heroes do! You're just spoilt and snotty.

Smock: [Frowning, to Agatha] What would you know? You and your fancy suit. I bet you wouldn't last one day doing what these heroes do! You're just spoilt and snotty.

Agatha : Whereas you, my dear, are merely snotty. Yes, I'm quite sure I wouldn't be up to all the drinking, washing and mumbling that seems to go on.

Clint: [Snorts noisily at Agatha's remark, quickly dissolving into giggles. To Agatha, suddenly confused] Wait, what were we talking about?

Agatha : Your startlingly poor ability to consume alcohol without becoming intoxicated.

Smock: [At the mention of alcohol, makes her way to the booze cabinet and picks out the most interesting looking bottle. To Agatha] We since you're just too cool for us, how come you're still here? [Opens the bottle and sniffs the contents curiously before finding herself a comfy chair.]

Agatha : Oh, my dear, I'm not too [is clearly not used to saying the word] cool for you, I'm just, well, yes. I am here to ask for help.

Harvey : Gah! By the saints! [Moves across the room with lightening speed and liberates the bottle from Smock] No, Cadet Smock! No, and thrice no! This filthy stuff is not for you. If dear old Sister Chastity was here, she would tell you that it's good for nothing! [Starts pouring the contents of the bottle into a nearby plant pot]

[The plant suddenly blossoms with colourful new growth.]

Alice : Harvey! That's Louis VIX!

Smock: But - but...! [Watches folornly as the bottle is emptied.] There's heaps of booze in there! [Gestures at the cabinet.] How come Clint can have a whole bottle and I can't even have one taste? [Pouts sulkily. To Agatha] So whatta you want then?

Harvey : Because it's poison!

Alice : [Looking at the beautifully blooming plant] Hey! This isn't even a real plant, and it's growing!

Agatha : [To Smock] I beg your pardon. I'm afraid I have no idea what you just tried to ask me.

Smock: [Sounds each syllable slowly] Wha-ta-ya-want, then?

Agatha : [Shakes her head] No, I'm sorry, I'm just not getting it.

Alice : [Sigh] She wants to know what you want.

Agatha : I'm here to tell you that you're broke, and that Daddy's fortune has been lost.

Alice : [To Smock] She's here to tell me that I'm broke, and that Daddy's fortune has been lost. [Thinks for a moment] Hey!

Smock: [To Agatha] I don't got no money. So I can't help you. And since we couldn't even pay for our hotel room, what're you asking us for?

Clint: [Peeks out from the robe nest] Hey, don't sweat it, Bimbo. You can come live with me at my place. [Pats the robe nest invitingly] It'll be great!

Agath : [To Smock, slowly as if to a retarded child] I am not asking you for money. I am telling Alice that she is penniless, as is the rest of the family.

Smock: [In the same, slow, patronising manner] But you just said you were here to ask us for help.

Alice : [To Agatha] What? What happened?

Clint: [To Alice] So that's a no to living at my place? [Shrugs, takes another swig of brandy]

Smock: [Throws a complimentary soap at Clint's head.]

Clint: [Picks up the soap and sniffs it] Oh, it's that fruity candy Harv was raving about! Thanks, kid! [Chomps on the soap happily. To Agatha] Don't let the bimbo hassle you, Aggie. I think it might be her time of the month, if you know what I mean. On the rag, all that?? Aunt Flo visiting?? Hey, you know what I mean, right?

[The soap hits CLINT's head with a strange metallic clunk.]

Alice : [Glances over at Clint for a moment] Well, Agatha? What happened?

Smock: [To Clint] I have to ask: What's wrong with your head and that weird sound it makes? Not the grunting and stuff. You know, that metal clang.

Clint: [To Smock, puzzled] What metal clang?

Agatha : [To Clint] Yes. [To Alice] Something to do with the war, I believe, poor investments, misappropriated pension funds, that kind of thing. The real, reason, however, is far more sinister.

Alice : Uh, and the real reason is?

Agatha : The real reason, Alice, is the curse that has been visited upon the family because of you and your friends.

Harvey : Curse? I say! Private Giles, what do you know about this?

[Time passes.]

Harvey : [Looks around] By the saints! Don't tell me that he's still cleaning himself up!

Smock: [Goes to bang on Monty's door again.] Monty! Do you need help? Did you pass out or something?

Smock: [Throws another soap at Clint's head.] That metal clang when stuff hits you.

Clint: [Springs to his feet and attempts to kick open Monty's door] Hang on, egghead! I'll save you!!

Agatha : [Looking towards Giles's door] For someone who's wardrobe appears to consist entirely of tweed, he takes rather a long time to get dressed.

[CLINT gives the door a kick, causing a huge crack down the middle, although it doesn't quite fall apart.]

Alice : It's probably not that easy to put on tweed underpants, Aggie.

Smock: [Jumping out of Clint's way, to Agatha, getting irritated] So are you gonna tell us what you want or not? too...

Clint: Almost there, Eggy! [Pauses to swig some brandy and then gives the door another hard kick]

Agatha : [To Smock, watching Clint smash the door to pieces] Someone should show him how to use a door handle. [Sips her brandy. To Smock] Yes, of course. Some renegade elves in the interior placed a curse upon our family because of the whole thing with Faern and the 'stick' which he sold for the family fortune. [Sips her brandy] Anyway, the only way to lift the curse appears to involve some jewel which is allegedly hidden in a cavern in a mountain near her. That's where you and your colleagues come in. I'll not really an adventure type of girl you see. Well, not that kind of adventure anyway.

Clint: [Looks up at Monty for a moment, confused. To Agatha] Wait, what kind of adventure type girl ARE you?? [Wiggles his eyebrows suggestively]

[CLINT crashes through the door, and ends up sprawled on the ground in the room. Everyone crowds around and looks in, to see MONTY calmly putting on his tie.]

Monty : Is there something I can help you with?

Monty : [Looks down at Clint] Is there some reason that you had to ask that particular question in here?

Clint: [Ignores Monty. Still on the floor] Well, whaddya say, Aggie?? Meet me back at my place? [Wiggles his eyebrows again and starts crawling back to his nest]

Agatha : [To Clint] I think I'd feel much more adventurous if I was not under the curse of the elves. [Blows a smoke ring towards Clint, and catches his glance through it]

Harvey : Good God, Private Scar! Control yourself! Agatha, I apologise for this man's behaviour. Perhaps you could tell us more about this curse?

Clint: [Back in the nest, guzzling brandy. Calls back to Agatha] Come tell me all about it, baby.

Agatha : [To Clint] Well, there's not much more to tell. As I said, the elves cursed Faern and the family, and the only way to lift the curse is, apparently, to get a jewel that is allegedy hidden in a mountain, not far from here, called 'Pharmaceutica'. [Pauses, considering this] That's really all I know, I though you may all know something about it, after all, this is the kind of thing you do isn't it? [Takes a sip of Brandy] I mean, when you're not too busy trying to escape your scandalous pasts. [Looks at Alice] I know you like you food Alice darling, but canabalism was taking things a little to far is it not?

Alice : It depends on who's on the menu, Aggie.

Agatha : [Looks at Alice suspiciously] So it's true then? I thought it was all poppycock until I heard that Chasitity confessed to being a fake. [Takes a puff of here cigarette] I did wonder what you had done with the child.

Alice : What child?

Agatha : [Looks at Alice for a moment, looking mildly suprised] Alice dear, the last time we met you were quite obese and obviously pregnant. Pregnancy usually results in the birth of a child, something you seem to be lacking, hence the 'baby eater' scandal I presumed.

Alice : [Rolls her eyes and gives an exasperated sigh] Look, it's long story, but [thinks better of telling the story] yeah, sure, I ate the baby. [Looks Agatha up and down] Speaking of obese...

Monty : And you, [addressing Agatha] Ms. Bassett-Short, wish us to help in lifting his curse, yes?

Agatha : [Incredibly modestly, to Monty] One does what one can Mr Giles. Perhaps a light dinner [leans over slightly and spins the room service handle twice]

Alice : [To the others] A light dinner? How's that going to help us lift the curse?

Agatha : [To Alice] Well I'm sure that uncle Harvey would rather discuss the whole issue over some dinner, and Ms Smock looks like she hasn't eaten in some time.

Harvey : By the saints, Agatha! Great idea!

[There is the sound of some knocking.]

Alice : [Opens the door] Hey! There's no one here.

[There is more knocking, clearly not coming from the door.]

Clint: [Looks around in a happy drunken daze] That must be my heart. [Looks at Alice lovingly] You know, Bimbo, I know I give you a hard time, but you're all right. Come give Unc a hug, would ya?!

Alice : Okay! [Turns and gives Harvey a hug]

Clint: [Sulking. To Aggie] How about you? You hear the knocking of my heart? [Finger gun at Aggie] All because of you, sweetcheeks!

Agatha : [To Clint] No, I can't [To Alice] Perhaps you could check the dumb waiter, the knocking could be comming from there.

Clint: [Leaps to his feet and roars drunkenly] Boddy! [Looks around for the dumbwaiter]

Monty : [Sighs as he finishes adjusting his tie and checks the mirror to ensure that he is once again attired and groomed in proper style.] Honestly, Mr. Scar. Boddy is quite probably still engaged in the acts associated with honeymoon. [Calmly approaches the dumbwaiter and checks it. If that fails, checks the windows.]

Clint: [Spins around and growls at Monty] What?! Shut up, prick!!! [attempts to punch Monty]

Monty : [Not as oblivious as he appears, attempts to sidestep the drunken swing.]

Smock: [At the mention of alcohol, makes her way to the booze cabinet and picks out the most interesting looking bottle. To Agatha] We since you're just too cool for us, how come you're still here? [Opens the bottle and sniffs the contents curiously before finding herself a comfy chair.]

Agatha : Oh, my dear, I'm not too [is clearly not used to saying the word] cool for you, I'm just, well, yes. I am here to ask for help.

Harvey : Gah! By the saints! [Moves across the room with lightening speed and liberates the bottle from Smock] No, Cadet Smock! No, and thrice no! This filthy stuff is not for you. If dear old Sister Chastity was here, she would tell you that it's good for nothing! [Starts pouring the contents of the bottle into a nearby plant pot]

[The plant suddenly blossoms with colourful new growth.]

Alice : Harvey! That's Louis VIX!

Smock: But - but...! [Watches folornly as the bottle is emptied.] There's heaps of booze in there! [Gestures at the cabinet.] How come Clint can have a whole bottle and I can't even have one taste? [Pouts sulkily. To Agatha] So whatta you want then?

Harvey : Because it's poison!

Alice : [Looking at the beautifully blooming plant] Hey! This isn't even a real plant, and it's growing!

Agatha : [To Smock] I beg your pardon. I'm afraid I have no idea what you just tried to ask me.

Smock: [Sounds each syllable slowly] Wha-ta-ya-want, then?

Agatha : [Shakes her head] No, I'm sorry, I'm just not getting it.

Alice : [Sigh] She wants to know what you want.

Agatha : I'm here to tell you that you're broke, and that Daddy's fortune has been lost.

Alice : [To Smock] She's here to tell me that I'm broke, and that Daddy's fortune has been lost. [Thinks for a moment] Hey!

Smock: [To Agatha] I don't got no money. So I can't help you. And since we couldn't even pay for our hotel room, what're you asking us for?

Clint: [Peeks out from the robe nest] Hey, don't sweat it, Bimbo. You can come live with me at my place. [Pats the robe nest invitingly] It'll be great!

Agath : [To Smock, slowly as if to a retarded child] I am not asking you for money. I am telling Alice that she is penniless, as is the rest of the family.

Smock: [In the same, slow, patronising manner] But you just said you were here to ask us for help.

Alice : [To Agatha] What? What happened?

Clint: [To Alice] So that's a no to living at my place? [Shrugs, takes another swig of brandy]

Smock: [Throws a complimentary soap at Clint's head.]

Clint: [Picks up the soap and sniffs it] Oh, it's that fruity candy Harv was raving about! Thanks, kid! [Chomps on the soap happily. To Agatha] Don't let the bimbo hassle you, Aggie. I think it might be her time of the month, if you know what I mean. On the rag, all that?? Aunt Flo visiting?? Hey, you know what I mean, right?

[The soap hits CLINT's head with a strange metallic clunk.]

Alice : [Glances over at Clint for a moment] Well, Agatha? What happened?

Smock: [To Clint] I have to ask: What's wrong with your head and that weird sound it makes? Not the grunting and stuff. You know, that metal clang.

Clint: [To Smock, puzzled] What metal clang?

Agatha : [To Clint] Yes. [To Alice] Something to do with the war, I believe, poor investments, misappropriated pension funds, that kind of thing. The real, reason, however, is far more sinister.

Alice : Uh, and the real reason is?

Agatha : The real reason, Alice, is the curse that has been visited upon the family because of you and your friends.

Harvey : Curse? I say! Private Giles, what do you know about this?

[Time passes.]

Harvey : [Looks around] By the saints! Don't tell me that he's still cleaning himself up!

Smock: [Goes to bang on Monty's door again.] Monty! Do you need help? Did you pass out or something?

Smock: [Throws another soap at Clint's head.] That metal clang when stuff hits you.

Clint: [Springs to his feet and attempts to kick open Monty's door] Hang on, egghead! I'll save you!!

Agatha : [Looking towards Giles's door] For someone who's wardrobe appears to consist entirely of tweed, he takes rather a long time to get dressed.

[CLINT gives the door a kick, causing a huge crack down the middle, although it doesn't quite fall apart.]

Alice : It's probably not that easy to put on tweed underpants, Aggie.

Smock: [Jumping out of Clint's way, to Agatha, getting irritated] So are you gonna tell us what you want or not? too...

Clint: Almost there, Eggy! [Pauses to swig some brandy and then gives the door another hard kick]

Agatha : [To Smock, watching Clint smash the door to pieces] Someone should show him how to use a door handle. [Sips her brandy. To Smock] Yes, of course. Some renegade elves in the interior placed a curse upon our family because of the whole thing with Faern and the 'stick' which he sold for the family fortune. [Sips her brandy] Anyway, the only way to lift the curse appears to involve some jewel which is allegedly hidden in a cavern in a mountain near her. That's where you and your colleagues come in. I'll not really an adventure type of girl you see. Well, not that kind of adventure anyway.

Clint: [Looks up at Monty for a moment, confused. To Agatha] Wait, what kind of adventure type girl ARE you?? [Wiggles his eyebrows suggestively]

[CLINT crashes through the door, and ends up sprawled on the ground in the room. Everyone crowds around and looks in, to see MONTY calmly putting on his tie.]

Monty : Is there something I can help you with?

Monty : [Looks down at Clint] Is there some reason that you had to ask that particular question in here?

Clint: [Ignores Monty. Still on the floor] Well, whaddya say, Aggie?? Meet me back at my place? [Wiggles his eyebrows again and starts crawling back to his nest]

Agatha : [To Clint] I think I'd feel much more adventurous if I was not under the curse of the elves. [Blows a smoke ring towards Clint, and catches his glance through it]

Harvey : Good God, Private Scar! Control yourself! Agatha, I apologise for this man's behaviour. Perhaps you could tell us more about this curse?

Clint: [Back in the nest, guzzling brandy. Calls back to Agatha] Come tell me all about it, baby.

Agatha : [To Clint] Well, there's not much more to tell. As I said, the elves cursed Faern and the family, and the only way to lift the curse is, apparently, to get a jewel that is allegedy hidden in a mountain, not far from here, called 'Pharmaceutica'. [Pauses, considering this] That's really all I know, I though you may all know something about it, after all, this is the kind of thing you do isn't it? [Takes a sip of Brandy] I mean, when you're not too busy trying to escape your scandalous pasts. [Looks at Alice] I know you like you food Alice darling, but canabalism was taking things a little to far is it not?

Alice : It depends on who's on the menu, Aggie.

Agatha : [Looks at Alice suspiciously] So it's true then? I thought it was all poppycock until I heard that Chasitity confessed to being a fake. [Takes a puff of here cigarette] I did wonder what you had done with the child.

Alice : What child?

Agatha : [Looks at Alice for a moment, looking mildly suprised] Alice dear, the last time we met you were quite obese and obviously pregnant. Pregnancy usually results in the birth of a child, something you seem to be lacking, hence the 'baby eater' scandal I presumed.

Alice : [Rolls her eyes and gives an exasperated sigh] Look, it's long story, but [thinks better of telling the story] yeah, sure, I ate the baby. [Looks Agatha up and down] Speaking of obese...

Monty : And you, [addressing Agatha] Ms. Bassett-Short, wish us to help in lifting his curse, yes?

Agatha : [Incredibly modestly, to Monty] One does what one can Mr Giles. Perhaps a light dinner [leans over slightly and spins the room service handle twice]

Alice : [To the others] A light dinner? How's that going to help us lift the curse?

Agatha : [To Alice] Well I'm sure that uncle Harvey would rather discuss the whole issue over some dinner, and Ms Smock looks like she hasn't eaten in some time.

Harvey : By the saints, Agatha! Great idea!

[There is the sound of some knocking.]

Alice : [Opens the door] Hey! There's no one here.

[There is more knocking, clearly not coming from the door.]

Clint: [Looks around in a happy drunken daze] That must be my heart. [Looks at Alice lovingly] You know, Bimbo, I know I give you a hard time, but you're all right. Come give Unc a hug, would ya?!

Alice : Okay! [Turns and gives Harvey a hug]

Clint: [Sulking. To Aggie] How about you? You hear the knocking of my heart? [Finger gun at Aggie] All because of you, sweetcheeks!

Agatha : [To Clint] No, I can't [To Alice] Perhaps you could check the dumb waiter, the knocking could be comming from there.

Clint: [Leaps to his feet and roars drunkenly] Boddy! [Looks around for the dumbwaiter]

Monty : [Sighs as he finishes adjusting his tie and checks the mirror to ensure that he is once again attired and groomed in proper style.] Honestly, Mr. Scar. Boddy is quite probably still engaged in the acts associated with honeymoon. [Calmly approaches the dumbwaiter and checks it. If that fails, checks the windows.]

Clint: [Spins around and growls at Monty] What?! Shut up, prick!!! [attempts to punch Monty]

Monty : [Not as oblivious as he appears, attempts to sidestep the drunken swing.]

[CLINT connects with MONTY with a fine crack on the jaw, sending him staggering back against the wall, just keeping his balance.]

Alice : Clint!

Clint: [Crosses his arms and glares at Monty. To Alice] You heard what he said! I don't have to put up with that crap!

Smock: Hey! [Tries to kick Clint in the shin.] Don't do that to Monty!

Harvey : Private Scar! Just ignore the man, will you! Throwing punches at other members of this group will not achieve anything, I say, anything! Desist as of the now!

Agatha : [To Harvey] Where is the room serveice [Rings the bell again]

[As SMOCK kicks CLINT in the shin, there is more knocking, which is coming from a large cupboard (not dumb waiter) in the corner.]

Alice : [Glares at Clint] Just take it easy, Clint. [Opens the cupboard.]

[Enter SUNNY DE VIL, stepping out of the cupboard, and speaking with a thick and very aggressive German accent.]

Sunny : You rang? Would you like some food? Something for the little girl, maybe? [Leans in close to Smock] Would like that, little girl? Some food?

Sunny De Vil

Clint: [Rubs his shin and scowls at Smock. To Sunny] We could all use some grub, toots. Got any snakes feet?

Sunny : [Leans in close to Clint] Snakes feet? [Somewhat menacingly] Excellent! Excellent choice! [Gives an evil cackle]

Clint: [Oblivious to the menace] Yeah, let's have some, then! [Fumbles for the brandy and takes a very sloppy swig. To Alice, spitting brandy copiously] Want some brandy, Bimbo?

Smock: [To Sunny] Oh yes! I'm starving! I want heaps and heaps of food!

Smock: [To Clint] I do! [Reaches for the bottle with a brief glance to Harvey.]

Smock: [To Clint] So how much is my share?

Clint: [Hands Smock the bottle] Here you go, kid. Now, you're really young, so you need to understand something about drinking: never guzzle more than your share of the bottle when you're sharing with Uncle Clint. That's just not good manners. [Burps loudly and scratches himself obscenely, nodding sagely as he does] On 01/11/05, Heather wrote:

Alice : No, Clint, it's okay, you've had more than enough for both of us. [Intercepts the bottle] Come on, Stinky! She's just a kid, leave her alone. Not everything can be solved by drinking you know? We need to teach her that. [Big sigh] God, I'm stressed. [Takes a swig of brandy] Ah, that's better, although there's a slightly strange taste off it. [Gives Clint a curious look] Ew!

Sunny : [To Smock, still almost cartoonishly menacing] Excellent, little girl, excellent! And what kind of food? Little gingerbread men that you can bite the heads off? Or stab with your sword?

Monty : [Adjusts himself] Mr. Scar, I will put your egregious assault down to your intoxication, but do not do that again.

Smock: [Frowns at her continued inability to get any alcohol, but is distracted by Sunny. To Sunny, enthusiastically] Yeah! And I want a big, fat, roasted pig with an apple in it's mouth so I can cut it up with a massive knife!

Sunny : [Salivating at Smock's words] Yes! Yes! A massive knife with a serrated blade for cutting through bone, would you like that, little girl? And how about a teddy? I like to give teddys to our [licks her lips] special visitors.

Clint: [Ignores Monty pointedly. To Sunny, stepping in front of Smock protectively] Hey, you gonna give us food or just hang around being a freak?

Smock: [Peeking out from behind Clint] I don't want a teddy. They were Surly's thing. I'm just hungry.

Harvey : [Stomach rumbling massively] Well dear niece, we shall pull out all the stops in the recovery of the jewel, don't you worry!

Sunny : I'm just being friendly to the little girl! Of course I'll get you your food, and loads of sharp knives and forks.

[Exit SUNNY into the wardrobe.]

Monty : Yes, quite. [To Agatha] Now, you wish to enlist the party's aid in recovering the jewel required to lift the curse, is that correct?

Smock: [To Agatha] So whatta we get out of it?

Clint: [Ignoring Monty some more. To Agatha] So, babe, you need our help with that curse thing? You came to the right guy. [Gives Agatha a cheesy grin and whips out his sword and attempts some fancy sword play, which results in cutting himself, tearing his underwear, and embedding his sword into the wall within seconds]

Alice : [Coldly to Monty] And I suppose you're going to tell us that this is an inappropriate use of Hierophantic Knight time?

Monty : On the contrary, I was going to say that I look forward to the mission, as it will help keep us from public view a while longer, and will also give the Watchers an opportunity to contact us, on the assumption we return here.

Harvey : Indeed so, cadet Smock! And do not even think of taking a drop of that drink while my back is turned, what! [To Clint] Private Scar, for shame with your attempts to debauch my cadet!

Alice : [To Smock] Smock! Agatha's my sister, she's just told us that Mummy and Daddy are broke, those people are like family to me, of course were going to help them!

Smock: Fine. [Pouts.] But I get to eat first!

Monty : It is getting rather late, so perhaps we should adjourn until the morning when everyone will be more sober?

Clint: [Stumbles to his knees, crawls to the robe nest and promptly falls asleep, snoring loudly, cuddling the bottle of brandy]

Alice : [Gives Clint a baleful look] Good idea, Monts.

Agatha : [Once the furious conversation has died down. Camly] Well, it's not just in my interest to get the jewel, Uncle Harvey and Alice are both subject to the curse as well you see, so you'd be helping them too [Sips her brandy casually] will be

Smock: But I'm hungry!

Clint: [Rubs his shin and scowls at Smock. To Sunny] We could all use some grub, toots. Got any snakes feet?

Sunny : [Leans in close to Clint] Snakes feet? [Somewhat menacingly] Excellent! Excellent choice! [Gives an evil cackle]

Clint: [Oblivious to the menace] Yeah, let's have some, then! [Fumbles for the brandy and takes a very sloppy swig. To Alice, spitting brandy copiously] Want some brandy, Bimbo?

Smock: [To Sunny] Oh yes! I'm starving! I want heaps and heaps of food!

Smock: [To Clint] I do! [Reaches for the bottle with a brief glance to Harvey.]

Smock: [To Clint] So how much is my share?

Clint: [Hands Smock the bottle] Here you go, kid. Now, you're really young, so you need to understand something about drinking: never guzzle more than your share of the bottle when you're sharing with Uncle Clint. That's just not good manners. [Burps loudly and scratches himself obscenely, nodding sagely as he does] On 01/11/05, Heather wrote:

Alice : No, Clint, it's okay, you've had more than enough for both of us. [Intercepts the bottle] Come on, Stinky! She's just a kid, leave her alone. Not everything can be solved by drinking you know? We need to teach her that. [Big sigh] God, I'm stressed. [Takes a swig of brandy] Ah, that's better, although there's a slightly strange taste off it. [Gives Clint a curious look] Ew!

Sunny : [To Smock, still almost cartoonishly menacing] Excellent, little girl, excellent! And what kind of food? Little gingerbread men that you can bite the heads off? Or stab with your sword?

Monty : [Adjusts himself] Mr. Scar, I will put your egregious assault down to your intoxication, but do not do that again.

Smock: [Frowns at her continued inability to get any alcohol, but is distracted by Sunny. To Sunny, enthusiastically] Yeah! And I want a big, fat, roasted pig with an apple in it's mouth so I can cut it up with a massive knife!

Sunny : [Salivating at Smock's words] Yes! Yes! A massive knife with a serrated blade for cutting through bone, would you like that, little girl? And how about a teddy? I like to give teddys to our [licks her lips] special visitors.

Clint: [Ignores Monty pointedly. To Sunny, stepping in front of Smock protectively] Hey, you gonna give us food or just hang around being a freak?

Smock: [Peeking out from behind Clint] I don't want a teddy. They were Surly's thing. I'm just hungry.

Harvey : [Stomach rumbling massively] Well dear niece, we shall pull out all the stops in the recovery of the jewel, don't you worry!

Sunny : I'm just being friendly to the little girl! Of course I'll get you your food, and loads of sharp knives and forks.

[Exit SUNNY into the wardrobe.]

Monty : Yes, quite. [To Agatha] Now, you wish to enlist the party's aid in recovering the jewel required to lift the curse, is that correct?

Smock: [To Agatha] So whatta we get out of it?

Clint: [Ignoring Monty some more. To Agatha] So, babe, you need our help with that curse thing? You came to the right guy. [Gives Agatha a cheesy grin and whips out his sword and attempts some fancy sword play, which results in cutting himself, tearing his underwear, and embedding his sword into the wall within seconds]

Alice : [Coldly to Monty] And I suppose you're going to tell us that this is an inappropriate use of Hierophantic Knight time?

Monty : On the contrary, I was going to say that I look forward to the mission, as it will help keep us from public view a while longer, and will also give the Watchers an opportunity to contact us, on the assumption we return here.

Harvey : Indeed so, cadet Smock! And do not even think of taking a drop of that drink while my back is turned, what! [To Clint] Private Scar, for shame with your attempts to debauch my cadet!

Alice : [To Smock] Smock! Agatha's my sister, she's just told us that Mummy and Daddy are broke, those people are like family to me, of course were going to help them!

Smock: Fine. [Pouts.] But I get to eat first!

Monty : It is getting rather late, so perhaps we should adjourn until the morning when everyone will be more sober?

Clint: [Stumbles to his knees, crawls to the robe nest and promptly falls asleep, snoring loudly, cuddling the bottle of brandy]

Alice : [Gives Clint a baleful look] Good idea, Monts.

Agatha : [Once the furious conversation has died down. Camly] Well, it's not just in my interest to get the jewel, Uncle Harvey and Alice are both subject to the curse as well you see, so you'd be helping them too [Sips her brandy casually] will be

Smock: But I'm hungry!

Alice : Let me just see how the food is doing. [Opens the door of the wardrobe to reveal that Sunny is here, curled up asleep] Uh, maybe you should just have one of the bread rolls?

Harvey : Gah! [To Agatha] Well my dear, I do believe it's settled. We will indeed help, empty stomachs or no!

[Book V, Act V, Scene II. The Suite. CLINT is here, snoring loudly, while everyone else is off in their rooms. Enter AGATHA, looking ravishing, as usual, giving CLINT a look of disgust. She tries one of the bedroom doors, which opens a small bit, and then appears to be blocked.]

Agatha : [Knocking on the blocked door] Alice, time to get up.

Alice : [Staggering to the door, all bed hair and Prupert the Beer pyjamas] How did you know this was my room?

Agatha : From the pile of clothes up against the door.

Alice : Hey!

Agatha : [Considers Sunny's slumbering figure with a glance, and a frown] The service here is not even vaguely as good as one expects. [Rings the room service bell again]

Agatha : Thank you, Uncle Harvey, I knew I could rely on you.

Alice : [Suddenly bursts out laughing] Montgomery Files! Now I get it! That's really clever, Aggie.

Agatha : [Rolls her eyes] Yes, I know.

[Exit ALL, except CLINT, to bed, with AGATHA going off to her room.]

Harvey : [Opens the door, yawning massively] I say troop, what a slumber and no mistake! [Stops Agatha and Alice] Ah, good morning dear nieces!

Alice : Hi Harvey. [Looks around] Whatever happened to that room service? And what's that awful noise? [Looks over at Clint] Oh.

Clint: [Slowly and reluctantly opens his eyes and eases himself out of the now foul-smelling and filthy robe nest] What the hell happened to you, Bimbo?! [Reaches up to scratch his head and gets his fingers stuck in a hairy mass of what appears to be vomit] Ew! What the hell happened to me?!

Alice : [Points at the pile of bottles beside him] You got drunk, punched Monty, threw up in the potted plant and u- you disgraced yourself.

Clint: [Absorbs this information with a blank expression on his face] Huh. All I remember is having that wild orgy with those three fat broads who were dressed like cops!

Alice : That wasn't an orgy, it was a brawl! And it wasn't three fat broads, it was six dwarves! And they weren't cops, they were bellboys!

Clint: [Disappointed] Really? [Brightens] Did you say I decked the egghead?!

Monty : Quite, Colonel. The Watchers shall get a full and detailed report of the assault.

Harvey : Yes, private Scar, you did! I say private, perhaps you should keep off the juice for a while, eh! Seems to somehow find and drag out an even more unpleasant side to you!

Smock: [Bursts out of her room full of energy, saturated and tracking water through the room. Excitedly] Did you guys know that there's an endless supply of water that comes from the wall?

Agatha : [Following Monty's comment] In triplicate, and crossreferenced with footnotes no doubt [Lights up a cigarette in an unfeasabley long cigarette holder. Watches Clint standing up and moves a good distance away from him] Gross.

Clint: [Winks at Agatha] You know you want it, baby. [Glares at Monty] Whaddya mean, report?! If I slugged you, I sure as hell had a good reason. [Looks hopefully at the rest of the party] Right?

Smock: [To Clint] You did not, stupid head. [Pokes her tongue at Clint. Runs over to the cupboard where Sunny was last seen and throws open the doors.] I'm hungry!

Alice : Uh, sure you did, Clint.

[SMOCK opens the door, and finds SUNNY waking up and stretching.]

Sunny : [Aggressively] Good morning! How are you, little girl? I hope you slept just [drawn out] fine!

Clint: [To Sunny] Hey, dollface, whip us up some grub, would you?

Smock: [To Sunny] Uh huh. But now I'm hungry. I want a feast I can rip apart with my bare hands! [Grins.]

Sunny : Yes, yes! Some dead bunny rabbits! I'll boil them alive in the pot!

[Exit SUNNY.]

Alice : Uh, did anyone else think she was just a little bit strange?

Clint: [Shrugs] No stranger than any of the chicks I've dated. [To Monty] So, what's gonna happen when you file this damn report?!

Monty : Smock is correct. You could be in trouble.

Alice : What are they gonna do? Make him stop saving the world?

[The door opens. Enter SUNNY, carrying four dead rabbits, which she throws on the ground.]

Sunny : Where's the little girl? I have some rabbits! [Notices one twitching, and picks it up, and cracks its head against a table] Lovely rabbits!

Agatha : [Alarmed] I think we need to get this person out of here, immediately!

Smock: [To Clint] You're gonna be in so much trouble! [Throws a pillow at Clint then runs to her room, squelching on the now wet carpet.]

Smock: [Comes out in dry clothes. Looks at the dead rabbits and Sunny.] Ew. They're not even cooked. Isn't this meant to be a fancy hotel?

Agatha : [To Alice] I never thought I'd see the day when someone whould call you untouched, sweetie. [Glances at the door] Even a complete mad woman. [Wanders over to the drinks cabinet and breaks the seal on a new bottle of Louis XIV, then pours herself a large glass ]

Sunny : That doesn't mean it isn't a good place for a sacrifice! You are all touched by evil, you know that! All of you!

Harvey : [Grabs Sunny and runs her out of the room] Right, Miss, that's enough of that! [Pushes her out and slams the door] By the saints! That was most rum and uncanny!

Alice : I know! What on -

[The door opens, and SUNNY pokes her head in.]

Sunny : [Points at Alice] Except you.

[The door slams shut again.]

Harvey : I say, what a strange person indeed! All touched by evil, pah! [Looks at the rabbits] Hmm, get breakfast elsewhere, what!

Monty : Excellent idea, Colonel. [Opens the door to the suite, revealing that Sunny is painting a pentagram on the door] Yes.

Harvey : Now, young Agatha, it's first thing in the morning! This is hardly the time for drinking!

Alice : [Sticks her tongue out at Agatha] Yes, Aggie, aren't we supposed to be finding this jewel or whatever?

Agatha : [To Harvey] Yes, let's get out of here [Sees Sunny drawing the pentagram on the floor] What on earth is she doing now? [Wanders out past Sunny still holding her very large brandy. To the others] Come along now sweeties, I'll buy you all breakfast, somewhere [Looks at Sunny with a frown] a little less [Pauses] a lot less strange.

Sunny : [Smiling manically] I want to protect the little girl! There is evil here! Devils!

Harvey : Indeed so, dear thing! Why, there may even be those evil enough to crack a rabbits head apart in front of a young and impressionable cadet, what!

Sunny : That's to stop the devils getting in there! Everyone thinks they get in through [does a cocaine-style sniff] or anal sex, but it's not! I don't want the little girl eating rabbits with devils in their brains!

Alice : [Folding her arms] That's ridiculous, I've had loads of - uh, um, that's ridiculous!

Sunny : [To Harvey] You mean they could already be in? [Looks shocked] Good point! I think I'm okay though, I made a fort out of pillows in your wardrobe.

Alice : Good idea, Aggie, but don't forget your brandy, the cornerstone of any good breakfast.

Agatha : [Looking at Alice with relief that she didn't finish her sentence. To Harvey] As Miss Smock so recently witnessed the untimely demise of Austin, I doubt that a few rabbit deaths will upset her overly. Anyway, let us go and find a nice cafe. [Drinks some brandy]

Harvey : [Stomach rumbles massively] I see, I suppose you favour the old "starve them out" way of things, do you?

Clint: [Excited, to Sunny] Hey, where's the fort?!

Agatha : [To Alice] Sweetie, you of all people know that one must drink one's brandy whilst one can. You never know when it'll be your last.

Clint: [Attention diverted by Agatha's brandy] Good point, babe! [Goes to rifle through the liquor cabinet for some brandy] Hey! Where'd all the Louis XIV go?!

Alice : [Shrugs] I suppose it depends on how many enemies you have.

Sunny : Cupboard! Lovely fort in the cupboard? Would you like to see my fort? [Salivating and eyes glistening] It's a very fine fort! Safe from nasty devils! [Produces a roll of aluminium foil with a swiping noise more normally associated with a sword] Let's decorate! Let's roll lots of lovely, safe foil over the fort! [Presses each index finger to her temples] Stops the brainwaves!

Monty : Excellent idea, Colonel. [Opens the door to the suite, revealing that Sunny is painting a pentagram on the door] Yes.

Harvey : Now, young Agatha, it's first thing in the morning! This is hardly the time for drinking!

Alice : [Sticks her tongue out at Agatha] Yes, Aggie, aren't we supposed to be finding this jewel or whatever?

Agatha : [To Harvey] Yes, let's get out of here [Sees Sunny drawing the pentagram on the floor] What on earth is she doing now? [Wanders out past Sunny still holding her very large brandy. To the others] Come along now sweeties, I'll buy you all breakfast, somewhere [Looks at Sunny with a frown] a little less [Pauses] a lot less strange.

Sunny : [Smiling manically] I want to protect the little girl! There is evil here! Devils!

Harvey : Indeed so, dear thing! Why, there may even be those evil enough to crack a rabbits head apart in front of a young and impressionable cadet, what!

Sunny : That's to stop the devils getting in there! Everyone thinks they get in through [does a cocaine-style sniff] or anal sex, but it's not! I don't want the little girl eating rabbits with devils in their brains!

Alice : [Folding her arms] That's ridiculous, I've had loads of - uh, um, that's ridiculous!

Sunny : [To Harvey] You mean they could already be in? [Looks shocked] Good point! I think I'm okay though, I made a fort out of pillows in your wardrobe.

Alice : Good idea, Aggie, but don't forget your brandy, the cornerstone of any good breakfast.

Agatha : [Looking at Alice with relief that she didn't finish her sentence. To Harvey] As Miss Smock so recently witnessed the untimely demise of Austin, I doubt that a few rabbit deaths will upset her overly. Anyway, let us go and find a nice cafe. [Drinks some brandy]

Harvey : [Stomach rumbles massively] I see, I suppose you favour the old "starve them out" way of things, do you?

Clint: [Excited, to Sunny] Hey, where's the fort?!

Agatha : [To Alice] Sweetie, you of all people know that one must drink one's brandy whilst one can. You never know when it'll be your last.

Clint: [Attention diverted by Agatha's brandy] Good point, babe! [Goes to rifle through the liquor cabinet for some brandy] Hey! Where'd all the Louis XIV go?!

Alice : [Shrugs] I suppose it depends on how many enemies you have.

Sunny : Cupboard! Lovely fort in the cupboard? Would you like to see my fort? [Salivating and eyes glistening] It's a very fine fort! Safe from nasty devils! [Produces a roll of aluminium foil with a swiping noise more normally associated with a sword] Let's decorate! Let's roll lots of lovely, safe foil over the fort! [Presses each index finger to her temples] Stops the brainwaves!

Smock: [Proudly, to Sunny] We don't need foil because these guys are heroes and they're gonna go right into the lair of a devil to get a crystal! And he ain't gonna know what hit him!

Harvey : Now now, cadet, discression is half the way to victory, what!

Monty : Ahem. Then we have a long way to go for victory.

Sunny : [To Smock] That's just lovely, little girl, but the devil has come here, what do you think happened there? [Points at another room, which is boarded up]

Alice : [Looks at the boarded up doorway] Embarrassing guests got locked away?

Smock: [To Sunny] So are you saying that there's a devil running around this hotel? With a hammer and nails and a few wooden boards?

Sunny : Oh no, little girl!

[Time passes, as everyone slowly realises that this is all she's going to say.]

Sunny : Devils prefer power tools.

Smock: [Impressed] Nice! But how come it's hanging around here when there aren't any guests?

Agatha : [To Smock] Perhaps that's why they don't have any guests, appart from the atrocious room service that is.

Smock: [To Agatha] Oh. Right. Best we get out and find this jewel before the devil decides to find us. [Leads the way.]

Sunny : The devil came through there, yes, yes!

Alice : [Slowly walking after Smock] Agatha, didn't that guy at the reception say something about an explosion?

Clint: [Races to get in front of Smock] Hey, kid, I take the lead around here! You really wanna be first in line when the bad guys hit?

Agatha : [To Alice] Did he? I doubt if his thoughts are worthy of concern. [Turns and goes after Smock] Let's do breakfast!

Smock: [Follows Clint despite being a little annoyed. To Clint] Hey fat head, your big butt is blocking my view!

Harvey : [To Smock] Hold there, cadet, less of that unsavoury behaviour, young fellow me lad! Now then, [claps his hands together] I believe there was a mention of breakfast, eh! Let's be away!

Clint: [To Smock] That's a man's ass! [Wiggles his butt for emphasis] That's not fat--it's pure muscle!

Alice : That's okay, Stinky, she's tasted loads of them.

Clint: [To Agatha, with a wink] Wanna see for yourself? Pure muscle! [Wiggles his butt toward Agatha temptingly]

Alice : Just don't get too close to his muscles, Smock, you know, in case they fart.

Agatha : [To Alice, apparently oblivious Clint] So tell me, what does baby taste like?

Clint: [To Alice] Uh huh. So, what was the baby-eating thing all about, anyway?

Agatha : [To Alice] Well, I can see that you've probably given up the practice now, or have you just contracted intestinal worms?

Alice : Tut! [Rolls her eyes] That was one of those lies that was told about us, remember, that were in the scandal sheet that only real losers read? That also said you murdered your father, that Smock ratted out her parents to the cops, that Harvey sent an innocent man to his death, that Austin was gay, that Monty let a man die, and that Chastity wasn't really a nun. Although, she did say that herself yesterday evening.

Harvey : Utter slander, my dear! Utter slander!

Alice : Absolutely! I mean, [glares at Agatha] what kind of idiot would believe that sort of rubbish?

Clint: [Snorts] The lawyer was definitely gay. [Adds quickly] Phili rest his soul and all that.

Alice : [Points at Clint, but addressing Agatha] See!

Clint: [Scowls] Shut up, Baby-Eater!

Alice : Father killer!

Clint: [To Smock, ignoring Alice] Hey, kid, think they'll have anything for the bimbo to eat? Deep-fried baby-fingers? Cream of Toddler soup?! Roast newborn with a tiny cute little apple in it's mouth?!!

Smock : As long as there's something to eat, I don't care what it is!

[The party arrive downstairs, which is devoid of life except for a woman in her mid twenties, who's at the reception, arguing with RICHARD CLIFF. This is PATIENCE SUMMERS.]

Patience : Look, you twerp! I asked you a question! [Catches the party out of the corner of her eye, and turns, with a big smile] Hey! There they are! Eaten any babies recently?

Alice : Hey! [Points at Clint] He's a father killer!

Patience Summers

Agatha : [Smiling at Clint] Austin certainly wasn't gay, [Looks at Clint seriously] but you seem to have a different reason to believe he was, so perhaps he was bisexual. I didn't think he was your type.

Clint: [Looks at Patience appreciatively. To Patience] Here I am, baby!

Alice : Going back into the closet, Stinky?

Richard : Er, excuse me, but this young lady was looking for you.

Clint: [To Agatha, offended] What?! Give me two minutes in the broom closet, woman! I'll show you who's not gay!

Richard : I'm terribly sorry about this [emphasis] awful woman!

Patience: Two minutes? I'm impressed! [snickers] I wanted to talk to you all, but if you're only gonna be gone that long, I suppose I can wait...

Alice : Look, we didn't eat any babies okay? Well, at least, I didn't!

Patience : [Flips Richard off without turning around.] Yeah, yeah. Hey look, I hear you all have tangled with that bastard Dangsten Blackheart before. That makes you okay in my book, whether or not you eat babies. And I want to help you when he comes back.

Clint: [To Patience] So, what, you wanna join up with us? Other than being hot and giving us another broad to keep the laundry done up, what can you do for me--uh, us? [Wiggles his eyebrows and adds] Feel free to be VERY specific if the answer is naughty.

Patience : Yeah, I'd like to join. I can handle myself just as well as you can, and I hear you're a little short on manpower right now. What can I do for you, personally? [Shrugs] I doubt you could keep up.

Alice : Personally? [Looks at Clint] Oh, here we go.

Clint: [Winks at Patience] How about we find out?

Patience: I don't think so. [Turns to Alice.] Your friend here always so charming?

Alice : Oh, God no. Under normal circumstances you'd have punched him in the face by now. This is his best behaviour.

Clint: [To Alice, offended] What do you mean? Broads love this crap! [To Patience, attempting to smoothly change the subject before Alice can respond] So, what's your beef with Dangsten?

Alice : [Makes to say something to Patience, but thinks better of it] Hm. Didn't we kill Dangsten? ### This is sort of true, as he was killed, but the party have been ### told on several occasions that his spirit is still alive, and that ### it is just a matter of time before he returns.

Clint: What made you think to come looking for us? [Shoots Patience a cheesy grin] Oh, that's right, we're famous heroes! So, how'd you track us down, then?

Patience: [Grimaces] That's personal. Let's just say that I used to have a family and leave it at that, okay?

Patience: [To Alice] Yeah, but I've heard that he'll be back, and I want to be waiting for him. So I came to you, because if you did it once, you can do it again, and I want in. And you weren't that hard to find. She [nods at Agatha] hired me to bring her here, and I heard you were in town.

Smock: So who's this Dangsten? He sounds cool - [famously] Dangsten Blackheart. Is he a real evil bad guy who goes around in a black cape, foiling plans and laughing maniacally?

Alice : No! He's a really nice guy who goes around giving lovely facials and cleansing pores.

[Everyone turns and gives ALICE an incredulous look.]

Alice : What? Oh! Sorry, I thought you said Dangsten Blackhead.

Alice : Tut! [Rolls her eyes] That was one of those lies that was told about us, remember, that were in the scandal sheet that only real losers read? That also said you murdered your father, that Smock ratted out her parents to the cops, that Harvey sent an innocent man to his death, that Austin was gay, that Monty let a man die, and that Chastity wasn't really a nun. Although, she did say that herself yesterday evening.

Harvey : Utter slander, my dear! Utter slander!

Alice : Absolutely! I mean, [glares at Agatha] what kind of idiot would believe that sort of rubbish?

Clint: [Snorts] The lawyer was definitely gay. [Adds quickly] Phili rest his soul and all that.

Alice : [Points at Clint, but addressing Agatha] See!

Clint: [Scowls] Shut up, Baby-Eater!

Alice : Father killer!

Clint: [To Smock, ignoring Alice] Hey, kid, think they'll have anything for the bimbo to eat? Deep-fried baby-fingers? Cream of Toddler soup?! Roast newborn with a tiny cute little apple in it's mouth?!!

Smock : As long as there's something to eat, I don't care what it is!

[The party arrive downstairs, which is devoid of life except for a woman in her mid twenties, who's at the reception, arguing with RICHARD CLIFF. This is PATIENCE SUMMERS.]

Patience : Look, you twerp! I asked you a question! [Catches the party out of the corner of her eye, and turns, with a big smile] Hey! There they are! Eaten any babies recently?

Alice : Hey! [Points at Clint] He's a father killer!

Patience Summers

Agatha : [Smiling at Clint] Austin certainly wasn't gay, [Looks at Clint seriously] but you seem to have a different reason to believe he was, so perhaps he was bisexual. I didn't think he was your type.

Clint: [Looks at Patience appreciatively. To Patience] Here I am, baby!

Alice : Going back into the closet, Stinky?

Richard : Er, excuse me, but this young lady was looking for you.

Clint: [To Agatha, offended] What?! Give me two minutes in the broom closet, woman! I'll show you who's not gay!

Richard : I'm terribly sorry about this [emphasis] awful woman!

Patience: Two minutes? I'm impressed! [snickers] I wanted to talk to you all, but if you're only gonna be gone that long, I suppose I can wait...

Alice : Look, we didn't eat any babies okay? Well, at least, I didn't!

Patience : [Flips Richard off without turning around.] Yeah, yeah. Hey look, I hear you all have tangled with that bastard Dangsten Blackheart before. That makes you okay in my book, whether or not you eat babies. And I want to help you when he comes back.

Clint: [To Patience] So, what, you wanna join up with us? Other than being hot and giving us another broad to keep the laundry done up, what can you do for me--uh, us? [Wiggles his eyebrows and adds] Feel free to be VERY specific if the answer is naughty.

Patience : Yeah, I'd like to join. I can handle myself just as well as you can, and I hear you're a little short on manpower right now. What can I do for you, personally? [Shrugs] I doubt you could keep up.

Alice : Personally? [Looks at Clint] Oh, here we go.

Clint: [Winks at Patience] How about we find out?

Patience: I don't think so. [Turns to Alice.] Your friend here always so charming?

Alice : Oh, God no. Under normal circumstances you'd have punched him in the face by now. This is his best behaviour.

Clint: [To Alice, offended] What do you mean? Broads love this crap! [To Patience, attempting to smoothly change the subject before Alice can respond] So, what's your beef with Dangsten?

Alice : [Makes to say something to Patience, but thinks better of it] Hm. Didn't we kill Dangsten? ### This is sort of true, as he was killed, but the party have been ### told on several occasions that his spirit is still alive, and that ### it is just a matter of time before he returns.

Clint: What made you think to come looking for us? [Shoots Patience a cheesy grin] Oh, that's right, we're famous heroes! So, how'd you track us down, then?

Patience: [Grimaces] That's personal. Let's just say that I used to have a family and leave it at that, okay?

Patience: [To Alice] Yeah, but I've heard that he'll be back, and I want to be waiting for him. So I came to you, because if you did it once, you can do it again, and I want in. And you weren't that hard to find. She [nods at Agatha] hired me to bring her here, and I heard you were in town.

Smock: So who's this Dangsten? He sounds cool - [famously] Dangsten Blackheart. Is he a real evil bad guy who goes around in a black cape, foiling plans and laughing maniacally?

Alice : No! He's a really nice guy who goes around giving lovely facials and cleansing pores.

[Everyone turns and gives ALICE an incredulous look.]

Alice : What? Oh! Sorry, I thought you said Dangsten Blackhead.

Agatha : [To Patience] Well, we were just on our way to breakfast in a good cafe. You might as well come too. [Blows a smoke ring at Clint, with a look of distaste at his BO] As you said, we're short on man power.

Smock: Hurry up! I'm hungry! [Stamps her foot.]

Richard : [Coming out from behind the reception] We've got the most delightful breakfast place here, with the best service ever. Of course, there isn't really much food and no staff, but it's still really great!

[A huge banging noise comes from the stairs. Enter SUNNY, falling down the stairs, rolling over and over, before landing in a heap near the party, stunned, but clearly not badly hurt.]

Alice : What about her?

Richard : She can get breakfast somewhere else.

Smock: No staff? [Looks at Sunny] She's not staff? Did they all get eaten by the devil?

Richard : Of course not!

[Time passes.]

Alice : What's that the answer to?

Richard : [Thinks for a moment] The last two.

Patience: [Points at Sunny and laughs.] I'd love some breakfast, but I'm not sure about this dive. It's too weird, and the staff [glancing pointedly at Richard] is worthless. There must be a bar up the road...

Richard : No, no! I can fix breakfast for you!

Smock: Dude. What's your problem? We paid, and you don't have to serve us. Are you a workaholic or desperately lonely?

Richard : Of course not!

[Time passes.]

Alice : What's that the answer to?

Richard : [Thinks for a moment] The last two.

Patience: [Points at Sunny and laughs.] I'd love some breakfast, but I'm not sure about this dive. It's too weird, and the staff [glancing pointedly at Richard] is worthless. There must be a bar up the road...

Richard : No, no! I can fix breakfast for you!

Smock: Dude. What's your problem? We paid, and you don't have to serve us. Are you a workaholic or desperately lonely?

Agatha : [To Smock] Let's not hang around here long enough to find out.

Richard : I just like being around rich people, because I feel it gives some significance to my otherwise worthless life, please stay, I'll do whatever it takes! [Pulls open his shirt, ripping several buttons as he does] Go on! Put out your cigarette on my chest!

Smock: Ew! [Takes a step back from Richard.] Now I'm not sure I'm hungry anymore.

Harvey : [Steps up to Richard] Now see here, chappie! We'll have no more of that talk, or by the saints sir you'll feel my kick on your backside, what?

Richard : [Turns and does an inviting pose] Oh please! Even being punished by my betters lets me associate with them!

Smock: Let's get outta here! [Goes to lead the way, but pauses. Pushes Clint in front of her and toward the door.] Almost forgot that you're the leader, muscle butt.

Clint : [Still checking out Patience] Hey! I'm working here!

Alice : Working up a sweat!

Smock: Ew! [Takes a step back from Richard.] Now I'm not sure I'm hungry anymore.

Harvey : [Steps up to Richard] Now see here, chappie! We'll have no more of that talk, or by the saints sir you'll feel my kick on your backside, what?

Richard : [Turns and does an inviting pose] Oh please! Even being punished by my betters lets me associate with them!

Smock: Let's get outta here! [Goes to lead the way, but pauses. Pushes Clint in front of her and toward the door.] Almost forgot that you're the leader, muscle butt.

Clint : [Still checking out Patience] Hey! I'm working here!

Alice : Working up a sweat!

Patience: [To no one in particular.] I'd always heard of the great unwashed, but I never expected to meet him! [Turns to Smock.] C'mon, kid, I'm hungry, and we don't need him anyway. Although after travelling with him, I'm surprised you can be squeamish about chest hair...

Smock: I suppose. [Thinks a moment. Quietly, to Patience] Hold on a sec'. [To Clint] I know you're working, but we gotta go to breakfast. To a cafe. Where there'll be staff - waitresses. Lot's of them, just waiting for you to work your magic, I'm sure. [Smiles sweetly.]

Richard : [Turning back around] No! There are none! Since the Revivalist movement came to town, women aren't allowed to work.

Clint: [Outraged] Dammit! You're telling me there's not one hooker, stripper, or saucy chambermaid in this whole damn town?!

Agatha : [Looks around for a cab, and will wave one down if there is one. To Clint] Just don't wave your wand anywhere near me.

Richard : Well, there is one hooker, stripper and saucy chambermaid, but she charges a fortune.

Smock: Well, these guys defeated the religious weirdoes. Their poster girl is dead and everything!

Richard : Eva? She might be dead, but her movement lives on.

Alice : [Looks disgusted] Ew!

Richard : Her followers, I meant.

Alice : Uh, so did I.

Clint: [To Patience] So, babe, why don't you cook us up some grub?

Richard : [As a cab zips by] Uh, there are no cabs either.

Alice : [Shrugs at Agatha] I didn't even Eva was following a dead a prostitute.

Patience: [Indicates Clint with a nod] I'll bet the great unwashed here would follow a dead prostitute... [Starts on down the street.] C'mon guys; I'm hungry, I don't cook, and there's no point in waiting for Dick here to get us a cab.

Harvey : I say, of course there are cabs, fellow! One just went whizzing by!

Agatha : [To Patience] Perhaps you could get us a cab? [Smokes casually glancing around]

Patience: [Sighs] If I must, but can't you just walk like the rest of us, Princess? [Looks around for a cab she can flag down/jump in front of/hijack.]

Agatha : [Looks impressed by Patience's spirit] Well, you could all come in my cab with me I suppose, unless you all really want to walk?

Alice : Driving a cab now, sis?

Richard : Right! That's it! I'm sick of you people! Nothing pleases you - you come here, kicking us in the ass, burning our chests with cigarettes and [points at Agatha] you, blowing up our rooms!

Patience: [Listens to the list of the party's misdeeds with obvious appreciation.] You really blew up a room, Princess? [Laughs.] I haven't been giving you nearly enough credit!

Alice : Don't worry, Patiey, Daddy gives her plenty, that's how she can afford swanky hotel rooms.

Clint: [Impatiently] Why are we still yammering?! Let's get the hell out of here and find some grub! Harv's gonna start gnawing on his belt if we don't hop to it.

Agatha : [Disgusted by Richard's accusations. To Richard] Well I never! I'll have you flayed for this! [To Patience] They should be sued for having such poor fire saftey! [Stomps off] Where the hell are the cafe's in this god forsaken stinkhole of a town! [Finishes her brandy and throws the glass at Richard. To Richard] Piss off!

Smock: [Pokes her tongue at Richard and stomps out after Agatha.]

[Bonk. The glass glances off RICHARD'S head. He looks around for a moment, before throwing himself theatrically to the ground. He makes no reply as he slumps to the floor against the wall, eyes staring blankly and head hanging at an awkward angle due to a broken neck.]

Alice : [Gives him a bit of a kick] Oh come on! That's not fooling anyone!

Monty : Ahem. The family resemblance is startling.

[Some people appear on the otherwise deserted street, having just turned a corner. At the front is CHASTITY.]

Alice : Yay! There's Chas. I bet she feels pretty foolish now! I can't wait to hear what she has to say.

[Bonk. CHASTITY throws a brick which hits ALICE on the head.]

Chastity : There they are! Let's burn them at the stake!

[CHASTITY's mob, for that is what it is, even though it is mainly made up of women of a certain age, some of whom are wielding "Phillite Mothers Against Fun" placards, begin to bear down ominously on the party.]

### The party clashed with the PMAF before, and, although they ### came off better, it was a close run thing, with only Chastity's ### intervention helping them.

Clint: [Steps protectively in front of Alice. To Patience] Still wanna join up with us, sweetcheeks?

Harvey : [Backing up slowly] By the saints, troop, the sooner we get that taxi the better, what!

Patience: [Edging towards the group and in front of Agatha, she shrugs as she addresses Clint.] I'm in - you know I have my reasons. [Grins suddenly] Besides, you seem like you know how to have a good time, and just because a crazed mob objects... Well, let's just say that it's not my first time. [Frowns again] Though no one's ever tried to burn me at the stake before.

Agatha : [To Monty] Why don't you call the police or something? Have them all arrested!

Clint: [To Agatha, swaggering] The law doesn't protect rebels like us, babe. We walk alone. [Strikes a studly pose and whips out his sword, flashing both Agatha and Patience a cheesy smile]

Patience: [Looks utterly unimpressed] He's right, you know. But while I appreciate mindless violence as much as the next girl, isn't killing a bunch of nuns taking things a bit too far? I say we just beat the snot out of them.

Clint: [Defensively] Hey, I never said we should kill any nuns! [Lowers his sword nonchalantly] And we sure as hell aren't gonna hurt Chas!

Harvey : By the saints troop, of course we're not going to attack a group of nuns! It is time I believe, for a strategic withdrawal from the battlefield to consider and weigh up all of our options, a withdrawal shall we say, to an eatery, where the only thing in risk of being burned to the stake is a steak, what!

Smock: [Salutes] Yessir, Colonel, sir! But will they really stop chasing if we take refuge in the sacred space of an eatery?

Clint: [Snorts] Why do you think those broads wear those huge robes of theirs?! Not for fashion, I can damn sure tell you that. They're all a bunch of lard-asses! They don't hafta keep their figures since they got no hope of getting a man anyway, so they eat like pigs. Everyone knows that. [Looks to the rest of the party for affirmation, nodding encouragement]

Harvey : Private Scar, you never cease to amaze when finding a new level of uncoothness, what! [To Smock] When I recommended an eating establishment, cadet, I meant one as far from here as possible, one preferrably as far away from these irate females as possible!

Clint: [Flattered] Thanks, Harv! [To Patience] Better stay back and let me take the lead, babe. Those nuns mean business.

Patience: [Shrugs] If you want. I'll keep an eye on the kid. [To Smock] Hey there, Shortstuff. Stick with me and you'll be fine. Oh, and... [speaking more quietly, but not quietly enough] be sure, when we pass the nuns, to tell them exactly what Clint thinks of them, 'kay? Should be fun!

Clint: [To Smock, deeply "offended"] You gonna let her talk to you like that?! She's treating you like you need babysitting or something!

Agatha : [Looking at the advancing angry mob. To Harvey] Can't you have them shot or something? [Takes a drag of her cigarette whilst eyeing up the crowd]

Harvey : Agatha, for shame! We can't attack a group of nuns, what! It's just wrong, wrong, wrong! [Attempts to flag down any passing taxis]

Alice : Quickly! Let's steal this carriage! [Points out a mini-carriage, which is the only carriage on the whole street] It's okay, Austin taught me a bit about picking locks! [Starts working on the lock]

Monty : Ahem. [Opens the door] I believe it was unlocked already.

[The mini-carriage can sit four.]

Alice : I believe that [emphasis] I should drive.

Smock: [Frowning at Patience] I don't need babysitting! [To Alice] And I wanna drive!

Agatha : [Getting into the carriage. To Harvey] I thought that your friend Chastity was not a real nun?

Monty : [Snottily to Smock] If you can't enunciate clearly, you probably shouldn't be driving.

Alice : That's right! Besides, I'm gonna drive! [Slips into the driver's seat, and looks up at the rampaging mob] Just as well they're all so old, isn't it? Any self respecting mob would have engulfed us ages ago!

Smock: [Looking a little hurt by Monty's remark, goes quiet] Okay. [Slips into the vehicle after Agatha.]

Patience: Hey, kid, you seem feisty enough to me... Don't let that geek with the clipboard talk to you like that! [Noticing that there's only one seat left in the carriage, and four people still standing around, she turns to Harvey.] Get in, Pops. Age before beauty, you know.

Smock: [To Patience, enthusiastically] You can get in too! I'm only little and we can just squeeze up. [Scoots across the seat, beaming at Agatha as she wriggles up close.]

Harvey : That's the spirit cadet! We're all in this together, so lets all bunch up and make your laps available, what! [Squeezes into the carriage]

Agatha : [Hands a hip flask to Smock] Try some of this, one of the benefits of having a chauffeur.

Clint: [Watches Patience sitting on Agatha's lap and grins lustily] All right! Gonna give her a lapdance?! [To Smock] Pass that flask over here, kid! This calls for a celebration!

Patience: [Looks at the carriage dubiously, trying to decide whose lap she least objects to sitting on. Shrugs and tries to squeeze in to sit on Agatha.] Sorry, Princess. But hey, it could be worse: I could be Clint!

Patience: Look at it this way, big guy. No room here, the kid's too small, and Alice needs to be able to see if she's going to drive. So I guess you'll just have to get real cozy with Harv or Monty. [Grins innocently] I thought I'd save you a seat - hope you appreciate it!

Clint: [Looks at Harvey and Monty's laps disdainfully] What?! [Points at Smock] Get up kid. You're sitting in MY lap!

Agatha : [Looking very suprised at Patience, then disgusted by Clint's sleazey request. To Smock] You just stay where you are young lady, and if Mr Scar lays onefinger on you I'll remove his eyes and genitalia with my sword. [Stares an evil stare at Clint]

Clint: [Disgusted] WHAT?! I wasn't hitting on her, you freak!

Smock: Oy! We don't have time to fight! [Climbs out of the carriage, shoves the hip flask into Clint's hand and pushes him into the carriage. Bundles Monty in after him then climbs in, shuts the door and sits on Harvey's lap. To Alice] Let's go!

Alice : You don't have to tell me twice!

[ALICE just sits there as the angry mob advances on the carriage.]

Clint: [Watching the mob advance. Bellows to Alice] GO! [Props his feet up on Patience's lap and takes a swig of the hip flask. To Agatha, conversationally] So, toots, why don't you tell us exactly what you did to piss of the elves?

Harvey : Hmm, seems to me that even our very existence is enough to annoy those fey blighters, private Scar! And easy up on the swearing, what, there are ladies present!

Alice : [Gives a jolt at Clint's words] Oh! I guess you do have to tell me twice! [Revs up the horses and floors the throttle, driving straight into the mob, sending little old ladies and zimmer frames scattering in all directions]

Agatha : [To Clint, snappily] *I* didn't do anything to any the elves, you buffoon! As I have already said, the curse was put on the family by the elves because Faern stole a magic wand or stick something from them, then sold it for the family fortune. [Tries to shift Patience from her lap. To Patience] What on earth do you think you are doing girl?

Clint: [To Agatha, smirking] Magic "stick," eh? Say no more, you vixen. I get it. [Prods Patience with his ratty snakeskin boot] Get it? It's a sex thing. [To Smock, as an afterthought] Oh, uh, you didn't hear that, kid.

Harvey : [Glares at Clint, before turning to Alice] Now dear niece, nice and easy does it, no need to tire the horses!

Clint: [Quickly offers the flask to Patience instead of Harvey] You got it, babe. [Briefly removes his feet from Patience's lap, slips off his boots, and promptly puts his feet back on her lap] What say you give me a foot massage? [invitingly wiggles his toes through the holes in his socks]

Clint: [Offers the flask to Harvey] You got a better explanation, Harv?

Patience: [Laughs delightedly as the mob scatters.] Oh, does this bring back memories... Pass the flask, big guy, and get your [slight emphasis, with a smirk for Harvey] God-damn feet off of me. And you, Ag... Look, I don't like this any more than you do, but I've got to sit somewhere. You don't seriously expect me to double up with Clint, do you?

Patience: [Makes an obscene gesture at the nuns outside the carriage before accepting the flask, taking a swig, and turning to give Clint a glare.] What say you drop dead? Oh, and thanks for the flask. Here you go, kid. [Passes it back to Smock.]

Alice : Don't worry, Harvey, it's not like they're our horses! [Gives a massive swerve, sending the mob scattering even further] Hey! What the hell is that smell? [Almost loses control of the carriage as she steers it down a narrow alleyway] Put those shoes on, Clint, for God's sake!

[Book V, Act V, Scene III. The Carriage. ALICE, CLINT, HARVEY, MONTY, PATIENCE, AGATHA and SMOCK are here, packed uncomfortably into the carriage, which seems to have lost the rampaging mob.]

Alice : [Still struggling to maintain control due to the sock fumes] So what was going with Chastity?

Monty : I have a theory. [Takes out his clipboard, almost hitting Patience in the eye with it] I believe that Chastity may have become host to a demon. It's a relatively common occurence these days. The Watchers recently set out a memo about it.

Clint: [Unimpressed] Demon possession?! That's their explanation for everything! Me, I figure it was just a matter of time before she snapped. Broads that age start going through all kinds of freaky changes. Plus, celibacy never did anyone any favors. [Finger gun at Patience] Know what I mean, baby?

Smock: [Holding her nose, to Clint] I though' she wos o' your tea'. [Frowns] Ca' you please ge' ri' o' those socks...

Patience: [Hastily] Keep the socks, big guy, put your shoes back on, and then we can discuss celibacy. Yours, say. [Frowns thoughtfully] So let's say the geek is right, and Chastity is possessed. What then? Anyone know a good exorcist?

Agatha : [To Monty] That's a pretty pathetic theory. Who ever heard of a nun possesed by a demon organising a group of old nuns into a 'mothers against fun' group. Hardly the actions of the demon possesed. [Looks disdainfuly at Monty]

Monty : [Makes to reply, taking a deep breath, then falters] Oh. Well, but there have been reports [Frowns at his clipboard]

Smock: Well, if you're a demon that's dumb enough to choose an old lady - and a nun at that - to possess, out of all the people what were at Eva's 'sermon', then I reckon that'd be the sort of stupid thing you'd do. Maybe he's just bored of the usual carnage and horror. Or maybe he's a rebel, or a loony.

Agatha : [To Smock] Well, maybe. Perhaps an insane old nun was just the easiest target at the sermon. [Glancing out of the carriage] Did she have glowing red eyes? I thought you were supposed to have strange glowing demon eyes when you were possesed. [looks at Monty] Well? You're the expert!

Clint: [Snorts] What, in watching?! Any idiot can do that. Check it out. [Watches Smock for a moment, pretends to jot down some notes] See?! Easiest damn job in the world.

Monty : [Irritated] Ahem! One would first need to be able to read and write, Mr. Scar. [To Agatha] No, demons inhabiting the human form do not have glowing read eyes. That is a fallacy common amongst the ignorant.

Clint: How about the one about how demon-possessed freaks have big sticks rammed up their ass?! [Looks at Monty and feigns horror, waving his hands in panic] Oh NO! Monty's been possessed!

Agatha : [Sneers at Monty's pathetic dig] Well, obviously Mr Giles, it couldn't be a fallacy common amongst the wise now could it!

[The carriage screeches round a corner, crossing three lanes of traffic, briefly mounting a pavement, sending sidewwalkers diving for cover as several litter bins and sandwich boards fly through the air emptying their contents everywhere and breaking a few shop windows, oranges spilling out all over the road]

Alice : [Excitedly] Whoa! These streets are waay to narow!

Patience: Hey, stop the carriage! The mob is long gone, and I see food! [Her stomach rumbles a bit.] We can discuss what's up with Chastity over breakfast. Maybe the guilt from lying for years about being a nun finally caught up with her and she flipped? [Shrugs] Or maybe she decided to start acting like all the other nuns...

Alice : [Turns around and looks at Patience] Look! All that stuff in the papers about is was lies, okay? Honestly, if we were that awful, surely we would be ending up in trouble much more often.

Harvey : Niece! Look out!

[A small cat runs across the road, causing ALICE to swerve to avoid him, losing control of the carriage as she does so and flipping it on its side, sliding in through the window of "Monsieur Chocolat's Chocolate Factory", and knocking everyone out. Incredibly, no one is even scratched. As there was no one eating in the restaurant, there are no patrons to be injured. MONSIEUR CHOCOLAT, a very angry looking man, stands over the party.]

Chocalat : Yes? Yes? A table for seven is it? It is customary to reserve in advance you know. [Suddenly adopting a French accent] Mon dieu!

M. Chocolat

Clint: [Hops up and looks around at the empty restaurant] Yeah, it's really standing-room-only here. [Rubs his hands together expectantly] Got any snakes' feet in this joint? How about some brandy??

Chocolat : Of course not. This is a [with a pretty unconvincing French accent] chocolate factory!

Clint: [Hopefully] How about some chocolate-dipped snakes' feet and chocolate-flavored brandy, then?

Chocolat : How very common. I'll see if we can find you a table. [Looks around the completely empty restaurant, before giving a huge shout, right in Clint's face] Juan!

Patience: [Smiles broadly.] Breakfast! About time, too. C'mon, guys, let's eat! And really, big guy, who needs snakes' feet when there's [emphasis] chocolate about?!

Agatha : [Steps out of the wreckage, unharmed and uncreased. To Alice] Well my dear, I see that your driving hasn't improved any. [Looks around at the mess. To Chocolat] What an awful mess, it is no wonder that you do not have any customers. However, We'll make allowances just this once [Spots a good table] We'll take that table. [Stits down at the table of her choice]

Chocolat : [Frustrated] We must check with Miguel! [Shouts again] Miguel!

Agatha : [To Chocolat] What on earth do we need to check with Miguel for? Are you not the maitre d' ?

Chocolat : Of course not! I, madam, am [again with the unconvincing accent] ze owner! [Shouts in his normal accent] Carlos! Carlos!

Clint: [Annoyed] Why don't you just point us toward the kitchen and let us help ourselves? [Starts scanning the room for anything edible]

Harvey : By the saints, private Scar, what a wonderful idea! [Speaks loudly and slowly] You there! Foreign johnny, point us in the way of the kitchen, eh, what! Chop chop!

Patience: Yeah! C'mon, Clint, we're going on a pantry raid. I mean, this guy is just useless, and I'm starved.

Agatha : [To Chocolat] Si vous êtes le propriétaire de cet établissement, alors pourquoi sur terre avez-vous besoin de n'importe qui permission d'autre?

Clint: [Looks at Agatha blankly for a moment. To Patience, with a wolfish grin] Panty raid, eh? Didn't peg you for that kinda gal, but hey--to each her own.

Patience: Yeah, whatever. [Wanders towards the back of the restaurant, in search of the kitchen/pantry.]

Manuel : [With a nice smile] Please. I know you must be simply starving, but I will serve you at the table that your lovely [gestures to Agatha] friend has picked out.

Chocolat : [Angrily to Manuel] Pablo! Get them some menus!

Manuel : [To Chocolat in a heavy Spanish accent] Que? Menu? What is this "menu"?

Chocolat : Fine! Fine! I'll do it myself! [Storms off]

Chocolat : [Looks at Agatha blankly for a moment, before shouting out again] Je sus!

[Enter MANUEL SMITH, to thunderous applause from the audience.]

Chocolat : [Clicks his fingers at Manuel] You there, [irritatedly pauses as he waits for the Married With Children style whooping and cheering to die down] You there, Juan Carlos, show them to a table.

Manuel : Que?

[Cue more thunderous applause.]

Manuel : [In perfect English to the party, and glancing at Agatha] Ah, I see you already have a table. Excellent choice, if I may say so. Please, do sit down, and let me get you some complementary hot chocolates to make up for all the bellowing.

Manuel Smith

Clint: [Eagerly follows Patience, teasing] Ooooh, are there some hot chicks back there?! [Gives Patience a "just-between-us-guys" arm punch] Lead the way, buddy!

Clint: [Annoyed] Why don't you just point us toward the kitchen and let us help ourselves? [Starts scanning the room for anything edible]

Harvey : By the saints, private Scar, what a wonderful idea! [Speaks loudly and slowly] You there! Foreign johnny, point us in the way of the kitchen, eh, what! Chop chop!

Patience: Yeah! C'mon, Clint, we're going on a pantry raid. I mean, this guy is just useless, and I'm starved.

Agatha : [To Chocolat] Si vous êtes le propriétaire de cet établissement, alors pourquoi sur terre avez-vous besoin de n'importe qui permission d'autre?

Clint: [Looks at Agatha blankly for a moment. To Patience, with a wolfish grin] Panty raid, eh? Didn't peg you for that kinda gal, but hey--to each her own.

Patience: Yeah, whatever. [Wanders towards the back of the restaurant, in search of the kitchen/pantry.]

Manuel : [With a nice smile] Please. I know you must be simply starving, but I will serve you at the table that your lovely [gestures to Agatha] friend has picked out.

Chocolat : [Angrily to Manuel] Pablo! Get them some menus!

Manuel : [To Chocolat in a heavy Spanish accent] Que? Menu? What is this "menu"?

Chocolat : Fine! Fine! I'll do it myself! [Storms off]

Chocolat : [Looks at Agatha blankly for a moment, before shouting out again] Je sus!

[Enter MANUEL SMITH, to thunderous applause from the audience.]

Chocolat : [Clicks his fingers at Manuel] You there, [irritatedly pauses as he waits for the Married With Children style whooping and cheering to die down] You there, Juan Carlos, show them to a table.

Manuel : Que?

[Cue more thunderous applause.]

Manuel : [In perfect English to the party, and glancing at Agatha] Ah, I see you already have a table. Excellent choice, if I may say so. Please, do sit down, and let me get you some complementary hot chocolates to make up for all the bellowing.

Manuel Smith

Clint: [Eagerly follows Patience, teasing] Ooooh, are there some hot chicks back there?! [Gives Patience a "just-between-us-guys" arm punch] Lead the way, buddy!

Harvey : [Sits down at the table] Why thank you sir! But tell me this, what is all this foreign lingo being bantered about?

Smock: [Sits up at the table eagerly, practically salivating.] Mmm. Chocolate! I'm sooo hungry! [To Manuel] Who's that guy doing all the yelling?

Patience: [Seeing that the group is making progress with the staff, she heads back to the table and seats herself between Harvey and Smock.] So, Pops, what do we do after breakfast? Worry about the mad nun, or something else?

Agatha : [To Patience] Well, we could just leave your mad nun friend and head for the mountain. Unless you know of an exorcist in these parts? [Glances around] I doubt anyone around here will notice her madness.

Smock: What's an eggs- exo- exersis-... one of them thingies anyway?

Alice : That's someone who lives outside, kind of like how an endorcist is someone who lives inside.

Manuel : [To Harvey] I am so dreadfully sorry, but he seems to believe that a foreign accent lends a touch of class.

Monty : [To Agatha] I am familiar with the mountain in question, and believe that we may find an exorcist there. Pharmaceutica is a hotbed of demonic activity.

Clint: [Scowls at Alice] Keep talking smart like that, you're never gonna find a decent man to marry you, Bimbo!

Patience: Umm, hello? The lawyer? Or was that a lie too? [Arches an eyebrow inquisitively.]

Alice : Sure, but who wants a decent man?

Alice : [Annoyed] Hey! You didn't even know him! He wasn't gay at all! [Thinks] Well, maybe just a little, but he was nearly married!

Patience: [Shrugs.] Okay then. [Turns to Manuel.] Could you just bring each of us hot chocolate and... umm... more chocolate. Two for me. I'm starved!

Manuel : Of course, dear lady. I would be delighted to.

[Exit MANUEL.]

Monty : [To Agatha] Perhaps you could tell us more about how you wish to remove this curse, Miss Bassett Short?

Agatha : [To Monty] Well, apparently there is a magical artefact of some form down in the depths of the mountain, and this will alledgedly free the Basset-Short family from the elven curse. How exactly I have no idea, you're the ones with the expertiese in subterranian magical devices, or so I've heard. anoying.

Monty : Hm. Curious. [Enter MANUEL with a trolley of chocolate everything, all of which looks delicious.]

Manuel : Here you are, my friends. Please help yourselves.

Agatha : [To Manuel] Why, thank you. These chocolates look delicious. Do you also serve champaigne?

Manuel : Only to those with the most exquisite of tastes, madam. I shall fetch you a Pom Derignon immediately.

[Exit MANUEL. Almost immediately, M. CHOCOLAT enters.]

Chocolat : Right. There's no sign of that damned Pedro anywhere. I think we're out of chocolate, but we might be able to get you a ham sandwich. [Suddenly stares at the table, with a look of utter horror] Nooooooo!

Patience: All right! Thanks Ag! [Turns to M. Chocolat] What's your problem, anyway? [Helps herself to a rather extensive pile of chocolate and begins eating happily, and a touch messily.]

Clint: [Unbuttons his pants gleefully and begins to gorge on chocolate. To Patience, with a wink] Raincheck on that panty raid, all right, buddy?

Chocolat : [To Patience] Nothing! Nothing at all! [Quietly] Just don't look down at the table.

Patience: What, is there a rat or something? [Looks down at the table.]

Chocolat : No! Don't! [Of course, everyone looks down. At first, it isn't clear what has bothered CHOCOLAT so much, but it appears to be something that looks like a cross between a piece of licorice and some chewed up rubber.]

Chocolat : There are some chicken feet on the table! [Looks a little more closely] Dried chicken feet! ### The table was empty when the party sat down, and the only other ### person to come near was Manuel, but he didn't seem to get ### close enough to deposit the feet.

Monty : [Aghast] Colonel! No! [Intercepts the chicken feet by knocking them from Harvey's hand] They could be the material components to some dark spell! [Looks down at his hand, which is bleeding and bears the unmistakable indentation of Harvey's teeth] Ahem. While a less uptight Watcher could construe that as an assault, you may rest assured that I won't.

Harvey : [Mouth covered in chocolate] By the saints, all this and dried chickens feet too! Why, I'm almost in gastromic heaven! [Scoops up on of the feet and crunches mightily]

Clint: [To Harvey] Can I [huge emphasis] please punch him again??

Harvey : They are more likely, sir, the material components to a dark stew! [Eyes the feet greedily]

Harvey : Why, for the pleasure of the taste! [Looks at Monty as if he's an imbecile]

Monty : [Gives Clint a quick glare, before turning to Harvey] Possibly, but one must consider the purpose of consuming such a foodstuff.

Clint: [Looks around the room suspiciously] Who'd put the whammy on us? Everybody loves us! us? Everybody loves us!

Patience: [Speaking around another piece of chocolate] I hate to remind you, but right now people sort of hate you. I'm more interested in how they got here than in who put them here. I mean, if they weren't here when we sat down, and none of us put them here, and it wasn't Paco, then what, did they just appear out of nowhere?

[All the chocolate delicacies on the table go flying, covering most of the party.]

Alice : [Irritatedly picking some pieces of chocolate out of her hair] So, no idea either, Clint?

Clint: [Hops up and abruptly overturns the table] Aha!

Alice : [Now with a big chocolate moustache, even though she hasn't eaten any, or touched her hot chocolate yet] Could Taco have thrown them on the table?

Monty : [Cooly to Harvey] Yes, of course. That must be it. [Gives a sigh before writing something down on his clipboard]

Clint: [Defensively] Hey, I had an idea that someone was hiding under the table! At least I took a shot. What's your theory, genius?? [Casually pulls a piece of chocolate from Alice's hair and munches on it, waiting for Alice to respond]

Alice : [Pops a piece of chocolate in her mouth] My theory is that you're an idiot. [Chews for a moment] Oh, and that [spits it out into a napkin] this isn't a piece of chocolate.

Patience: [Looks regretfully at the chocolate all over the place and picks up the nearest pieces, muttering something about the "fifteen second rule."] Maybe someone dropped them. Or maybe Pepe threw them. Or maybe they fell out of Harv's pocket, or Clint's hair, or off of the chocolate tray... And just for the record, I agree with Alice.

Alice : [Nods at Patience's words] You are an idiot, Clint.

Clint: [Glares at Alice. To M. Chocolat] Where'd Pancho go?

Chocolat : Who? You mean Guido? I don't know, he's just useless. I'll go and find him.

[Exit CHOCOLAT.]

Alice : So where did these feet come from?

Smock: [Dramatically] Maybe we have a traitor in our midst! [Eyes each member of the party suspiciously, a little too excited. Points at Patience] She said that 'people sort of hate us'. Maybe she's a spy! times for www.nytimes.com/aponline/arts/AP-People-John-Cleese.html

Harvey : A spy carrying around a bag of chickens feet, cadet? No, this keen nose of mine would have sniffed out that deception hours ago, eh! I think it most likely it was that Fandango chappie!

Smock: Well let's go get him then! [Shouts for] Manuel!

Patience: [Laughing because of Smock's accusation] Someone's had too much sugar! Lemme think... Let's say none of us did it. It's probably not the useless owner, since he pointed them out to us. And assuming that it's someone we've seen, that just leaves Luis. Let's smear him! [Pauses as a look of horror washes over her.] God, if I don't watch it, I'm going to have to start wearing tweed and carrying a clipboard! [Shudders elaborately.]

Agatha : [Takes a napkin and picks up the chicken's feet. Looking at them, frowning, with a mild look of curiousity] Do you think they may be of some use to us? Perhaps some odd local custom of theirs.

Smock: [Looks up from scavenging off the floor with chocolate all round her mouth] Maybe the sky is falling! [Checks the roof for dried up, feetless chickens.]

Agatha : [Puts the chicken feet wrapped up in a napkin in her hand bag, clicking it shut. To Smock, curiously] Do you often eat food from off the floor?

Clint: [Sitting on the floor, eating chocolate noisily. To Agatha] Hey, it's a well-known fact that the inside of a dog's mouth is much cleaner than a human's! [Nods in encouragement at Smock and hands her a piece of linty and dirty chocoloate from his part of the floor] Eat up, kid!

Alice : [Gives Clint a baleful look] I guess it depends on the human!

Agatha : [To Clint] Comming from you Mr. Scar, that is entirely believeable. [Looks disgusted for a second, as Clint and Smock eat off the floor]

[Enter MANUEL.]

Manuel : Now, how is everything going here? [Does a double take on the sight of the party] What? [Looks horrified for a moment, and then returns to his normal demeanour] Sorry, I got that wrong. Give me a moment.

[Exit MANUEL, only to re-enter a few moments later.]

Manuel : Now, how is everything going here? [Does a double take on the sight of the party] Que?

Clint: [Leaps to his feet and interrogates Manuel] Pretty damn strange, thanks for asking! Who told you to put the whammy on us, Pinto?

Harvey : [To Clint and Smock] Now now troop, don't leave the side down, what! There's no need to eat scraps from the floor, when I'm quite sure the owner has a plentiful supply of food left to serve us!

Patience: [Hastily drops the chocolate she's been collecting into a pocket of her jacket for later.] Yes yes, Clint's a filthy pig. And he has poor hygiene, too. But can we focus on Julio here?

Manuel : The whammy?

Alice : [Leaps to her feet, adopting a similar pose to Clint] Yeah, dollface, the whammy. We don't like no chicken feet, see? And we know that the mobs from the upper east side are getting restless, see? Now, if you don't want to find yourself wearing no pair of concrete boots, see, you better starting talking and fast, capiche?

Manuel : [Looks confused at Alice and Clint] Ah. I see we're conducting this conversation in the style of a badly written 1240s gangster movie.

Alice : Hey! That wasn't badly written, my lines were fab. [Mutters out of the side of her mouth to Clint] They did say fab in the 1240s, didn't they?

Alice : [Prods Manuel in the chest] You heard the broad, Enrique, spill it, or [makes a dramatic throat cutting gestures]

Manuel : [Flattens out the indentation introduced to his shirt by Alice] I have absolutely no idea what you are talking about.

Clint: [Looks at Alice and shakes his head] You are one dizzy dame, Bimbo. [To Manuel] All right, Pico, if you didn't leave the chicken feet, who did?

Agatha : [To Clint] Do you really care who left them? [Smirks] You don't believe in all that Doovoo stuff do you? [Looks distastefully at Clint] Not that there's any danger of someone wanting to make a Doovoo doll of you.

Clint: [To Agatha] Hey, [huge emphasis with a nod to Patience] PRINCESS, I know you've never left Daddy's house to come out into the big, bad world but those of us out here in the trenches know there's some weird badass mystic crap out there.

Manuel : I have no idea. Where they here when you arrived?

Alice : [With a big smile at Clint, addressing Agatha] He's right, toots, it's a big bad, ugly world out there, and it takes someone like us, just as big, bad, and, uh, ugly, to deal with it.

Harvey : Hmm, I can't figure out why someone would leave that item on the table in the first place. It's not as if we believe in any of that mumbo jumbo, is it! Unless perhaps the foot wasn't meant for us at all!

Agatha : [To Clint] Are you seriously telling me that all of those hocuspocus stories, that follow you lot around like flies, are true? [Looks in disbelief at Clint]

Clint: The ones where we're the big heroes? Oh, yeah.

Patience: Why are we worrying about this again? Just because Tweed thinks someone is trying to put a hex on us doesn't mean he's right. Maybe they wanted to get on Harv's good side. And if Manny says he didn't do it, and Chocco says the same, and it wasn't one of us, what can we do about it anyway?

Agatha : [To Patience] Nothing at all dear. Nothing at all. [To Clint] So the story about you lot breaking murderers out of a high security prison whilst dressed in sequend leotards in a magically flying human bycicle pyramid was true? [Smirks, obviously not believing a word of it]

Alice : [Proudly] I was on the top of the pyramid!

Clint: [Offended] Hell yeah, it happened! We do that kinda crap all the time.

Monty : [Nods gravely] I fear they are correct. That whole sorry incident has been catalogued and entered in the Watchers' Diaries. I also fear that the trip to Pharmeceutica may result in similarly shocking incidents.

Clint: [To Agatha] What'd I tell ya? Your life's about to get interesting, babe!

Harvey : Indeed dear niece, that story is indeed the truth! And I must say, your dear sister excelled at being the top of the pyramid!

Smock: [Mid-munch] Wow! A whole pyramid! [To Monty] And you're going to do some more cool stuff like that soon? Cool! Who cares about the chicken feet! Let's just finish breakfast and go do hero stuff!!

Patience: Yeah, I wasn't going to say anything, but I agree with the kid. We should definitely go do something shocking.

Agatha : [Looks concerned after Monty's confirmation. To Patience] The thought of uncle Harvey flying around in a sequened leotard is quite shocking enough to me for one day thank you.

Patience: Did you really have to bring that image to mind, Ag? Quick, kid, pass the flask!

Monty : It wasn't so much a sequined leotard as a sequined g-string.

Alice : [Nods at Smock's words] Good idea, Smock, let's find a bus load of pensioners and flash at them!

Clint: [Pants down around his ankles] Let's go!

Agatha : [Shielding her eyes from Clint and looking away] Perhaps the curse isn't so bad after all.

Patience: [Hastily tries to shield Smock's eyes, and also to swipe the flask.] You just had to get him started, didn't you Blondie?

Clint: [Disappointed] So, what, you were kidding about the flashing?

Alice : Sorry, Patiey, but he started a [huge emphasis] long time ago.

[Enter M. CHOCOLAT arrives.]

Chocolat : Right, I couldn't find Enrique, but I did find some menus. Now, they're not from here, but from some restaurants that I visited on holidays, so we can't serve any food, but I thought you might like to look at the pictures on the front.

Agatha : [To Chocolat] Vous moyen pour dire que votre restaurant ne sert pas la nourriture ? Plus absurde!

Alice : No Clint, we really wanted to see you walking around with your pants down around your ankles.

[Exit the party.]

Chocolat : [Turned away from the table, getting something out of a cupboard] I thought you might like to see some holiday snaps too, that I took while getting those menus. I have some lovely ones with me and a donkey outside the restaurant. [Flicks through some pictures] Oh wait, that's my wife. [Bursts out laughing] You see, [starts turning to where the party were] I was joking, by pretending that I mistook my wife for a donkey and - I say! Where are they gone? [Looks down at the pictures again, and does a double take] Hey! That is a donkey!

[Book V, Act V, Scene IV. Outside the M. Chocolat's Restaurant. ALICE, AGATHA, HARVEY, MONTY, CLINT, PATIENCE and SMOCK are here, surveying the wreckage of the mini-carriage.]

Harvey : [To Agatha] Ignore the buffoon, young Agatha, it's best that we get on the move as soon as possible, and stop this awful curse. [Looks at the carriage] I doubt that will take us anywhere, what?

Alice : [Gives the upturned and on fire carriage a little kick on one of the wheels] Ah, it'll be fine. I'm sure it'll start with a push.

Patience: Look, there is no way I'm spending the next God-only-knows how many hours in a carriage that small. Let's find another one. [Pauses] And this time [big emphasis] I get to drive.

Alice : [Rolls her eyes] Hey! We did escape from the angry mob, didn't we? And we got to eat chocolate? Job well done, if you ask me. [Spots something out the corner of her eye] Hey, how about that one? It's pretty big.

[Everyone turns and looks at the carriage.]

Monty : I believe that is a bus.

Monty : It is unlikely that they will let you drive the bus.

Patience: [Already headed for the bus.] Your point?

Agatha : [To Monty] I don't think that we are going to give them any choice in the matter. [Blows smoke ring at Monty]

Harvey : [To Agatha] Dear niece, it pains me for you to see us stealing carriages right left and center! Honestly, this is not our usual mode of operation, I assure you.

Alice : [With a big smile] Cool! We're going to steal a bus? Great idea, Harvey!

Patience: We're not going to steal it. Stealing is wrong, and we have to set a good example for the kid. We're just going to borrow it. [Sighs] I guess it's too much to expect such famous heroes like you to have your own carriage?

Alice : [Frowns] Hm, good point, Patience. Why don't we have our own carriage? Monty?

Monty : The party has, in fact, had several carriages. Most of which have either been stolen, crashed or simply lost.

Clint : Well, let's steal, crash or lose another one!

Agatha : I was rather intending to simply purchase the bus from them. But [Glances at the wrecked mini carriage] Perhaps we could rent it from them instead.

Alice : Well, if it's a public bus, can't we just take it? Isn't that how they work?

Patience: [Gives Alice a look.] That's your natural hair color, isn't it Blondie?

Alice : [Clearly lying] Yes!

Clint : Come on, are we going to steal this bus or what?

Harvey : On reflection, perhaps the term borrow has less of a stigma to it! Yes indeed troop, we will borrow this public transport and return it as soon as humanly possible! [Jumps on and rings the bell] All aboarrrrrd!

Patience: [Races for the driver's seat and pulls a jaunty little driving cap from one of her pockets.] Now you're talking, Harv!

[HARVEY leaps onto the bus, causing it to dip appreciably. The bus is quite small, and is crammed with people. The driver, RAY SUNSHINE, turns and gives HARVEY a look that's a peculiar cross between delighted and maniacal.]

Ray : Yeeeeeeees?

Ray Sunshine

Clint: [Boards the bus promptly. To Ray, authoritatively] Hey, freak, I'm the replacement driver. The dispatcher said you needed to take a piss or whatever. So, go ahead and hop out, and I'll take it from here.

Agatha : [Steps into the bus, holding a handkerchief over her mouth and nose to avoid being contaminated by the prole's germs. To Clint, dryly] Most convincing.

Ray : A piss? Good idea! [Keeps smiling at Clint] Aaaaah.

Alice : [Squeezes onto the bus] Oh. Who are all these people? [Looks at the collection of freaks who are crammed on the bus] And what's that smell? [Reproachfully] Clint!

Smock: [To the passengers, authoritatively] People of wherever this place is. We are commending this ventricle for the purposes of preformin' acts of gallery and heroness - what means you have to get off! These guys are famous and they need to save the world... well, a family anyways.

Harvey : Indeed cadet! [Looks around suddenly] By the saints, the state of it! And people actually pay to be crushed together from place to place like this? [Shakes his head in wonder]

Agatha : [To Harvey] I believe that this is the manner in which the proles prefer to travel [Grimaces at Ray peeing himself] Eww. Nasty.

Ray : [To the party, blinking in a suprised manner] And to where, to where might you be going?

Patience: Look, creep, it's very important that we get to Pharmaceutica. [Turns to Alice] Also, I've changed my mind: you can drive. [Glances obliquely at the puddle under the driver's seat.]

Ray : [To Patience] But, yes, yes! This autobus stops, stops at Pharmaceutia. [Wiggles gleefully in his wet seat. Suddenly looks suprised] That'll be a gold [Suprised] crown! [Normal] for all of you please.

Smock: Oy! [Stomps up to the driver's seat.] I said we were taking over this bus - so no paying. Drive.

Agatha : [Gives a gold crown to Ray with an outstreched arm, careful not to touch him] There you are. [To Smock] I'm sure there's no need to be so aggressive. The bus is going to Pharmaceutica anyway. [Enter DAFFY, stepping up onto the bus in a camp busyness hurry, one hand on his hip]

Daffy : [With a large piece of duct tape over his mouth. To Ray] Hmm mmm tmm tm pmmmumph?

Clint: [Gives Smock an arm-punch of approval] Good job, kid. [Scans the bus for a seat] Where the hell are we gonna sit?

Ray : [To Agatha] Yes, yes, yes, Pharmeceutica to the bus will go, rain, hail, sunshine or snow.

Alice : [Gestures at Daffy] I think we need to get passed that before we can sit?

Daffy : [Looks Alice once up, once down, with a imperially superior indignance, to Alice, whislt looking at her clothes] Hmm mmph mm phhmm! [Turns quickly away from Alice. To Ray] Pmmh mm mph mem hmm tmph mm mi bms?

Agatha : [To Daffy] I'd like to get past, could you move over please?

Patience: [To Smock, smiling] You know, kid, your heart's definitely in the right place. [Turns to Daffy] Did you know that you've got something on your lip? Let me give you a hand. [Grabs one end of the duct tape and yanks.]

Daffy : [In the middle of what appears to be giving out to Agatha] Mmble, mmf, mmmmf, [Patience pulls the tape off with a terrible sounding rip, but he doesn't even break pace] that we travel on every day.

Daffy : A lawyer? [Huge, over the top sarcasm] Ooooh! I'm scared!

[A few moments pass as everyone waits for DAFFY to continue.]

Daffy : [In a normal voice] No, really, I'm scared. We can go to Pharmeceutica if you want.

Alice : [To Agatha] A lawyer?

Daffy : [Turns sharply and slaps Patience firmly, elbowing Agatha out of the way in the process] And what, in the name of the devil do you think you are doing! We don't tolerate your type around here you know!

Agatha : [Shocked by Daffy's harsh elbowing. Furiously to Daffy] I'm going to sue you, you pervert! [Threatiningly] I'm the best lawyer in the land, and I'll see you on your knees, begging the judge and jury for mercy!

Agatha : [To Alice] Yes, sister dearest, a lawyer. [Pulls back the back of Daffy's t-shirt and reads the name tag] Daffy Duct, I'll be seeing you in court!

Daffy : No need, I'm sure. Look, you can have my seat.

[DAFFY shows the seat that he has just vacated. It is, of course, absolutely filthy, and is the only free seat on the bus, which now has standing room only.]

Alice : [Rolls her eyes at Agatha] Sure.

Clint: [Plops down on Daffy's vacated seat and pats his (own!) lap invitingly. To Patience and Agatha] Ladies??

Harvey : [Claps his hands together] Well, now that's sorted, let's be away! [Looks at the seat] Hmm, I believe I'll stand until another seat becomes vacant.

Agatha : [Shudders at the filthy seat. To Daffy] Perhaps there is hope for you yet, boy. [Takes a silk shawl from her bag and place's it over the filthy seat before sitting down. To Alice] Yes, well since the house burned down, whilst you were galavanting around every licensed bar and the male denizens therof, I was slaving away trying to earn a living, so I studied law. It's quite well paid so they said, although two hundred thousand a year seems to be a fairly pittyful wage for all the work I've done.

Alice : [To Agatha] You big liar! [Rolls her eyes] You sound just like Austin, except he really was a lawyer.

[Enter EMILY MORRISON, a well built lady with some oddly applied make up, fighting her way from the back of the bus, and plonking herself on CLINT's lap, almost winding him.]

Emily : [To Clint, waving a fan in front of her face] Oh Mr D'Arcy!

Emily Morrison

Harvey : [Bows to Emily] I must warn you madam, that private Scars lap is the only thing on this bus which is dirtier than this bus!

Patience: [Leans idly against the side of a seat as Clint and Agatha both reach for the vacated seat. To Daffy:] Did anyone ever tell you that you hit like a girl?

Agatha : [To Alice] I passed my bar exam over two years ago, and have been working as a barrister up until I heard about the curse and decided something had to be done about it. Where do you think *my* money comes from? Thin air? Daddy always did spoil you!

Clint: [Cheesy grin] Hey, baby. You're a lotta woman. I like that!

Harvey : Now, now, Agatha, I'm sure he spoiled all of you equally, and look how you all turned out, eh! The bestest set of nieces and nephews this old soldier could ask for! [Gives them both a big hug]

Clint: [Starting to squirm a bit. Gasps] You gonna sit on my lap all day or what? You're a little bit more woman that I was expecting. Might wanna ease up on the bon-bons, toots.

Emily : Oh, Mr D'Arcy! Your squirming is so [falsetto laugh] deliciously naughty.

Alice : [Clearly not believing Agatha] I always thought [emphasis] your money came from your rich husbands. [To the party] She's been married almost as many times as Chastity!

Agatha : Oh, do be quiet, Alice. Your constant whining does so give me a headache. [Calls up to Ray] You there, what time is this bus scheduled to leave at?

Ray : [Turns back with a maniacal look] When the clock strikes nine, it will be a sign, when the minutes count four, I shall close the door, and the minutes count ten, we are scheduled to leave then.

[A conveniently placed clock above RAY's head shows that it is now 9.30AM.]

Clint: [Groans and tries to gently shift Emily off of his lap. Yelps to Ray] Floor it, freak!

Emily : [To Patience] Why Miss Bennett, I daresay you fancy yourself as a matchmaker, and who would blame you, finding yourself confronted with the most eligible batchelor in the county and the young, naive daughter of a brutish man.

Alice : Uh, which is which?

Ray : Oh, I'm afraid not, we can't leave yet. [Points up at what appears to be a crudely drawn donkey beside the clock] No donkey.

Emily : [Squirms with delight, as she speaks to Patience] Ooooh! He's just divine! I'll take two. [Bursts into an irritatingly shrieky laugh]

Ray : I'm afraid I can't do that. If the donkey isn't on board, the bus doesn't go.

Patience: [Eyes Daffy before yelling up to Ray] Look, you've already got a jackass... do you [emphasis] really also need the donkey? [Smirks at Clint and Emily] I hope you two will be very very happy together. My work is done. [Moves a bit back in the bus to where Emily's voice hopefully doesn't carry so much.]

Ray : Ah! Here he is now! [Enter DONKEY, a particularly filthy and stinky looking animal.]

Alice : Oh! I bet he's a magical donkey! Like that one in Shriek, you know, who could sing, and talk, and dance, and had a heart of gold even though he was kind of brash? [To Ray] Is he like that? Is he a magical donkey? Can he sing and talk and dance? Does he have a heart of gold?

Ray : No. He's a donkey.

Donkey

Patience: [To Clint, teasingly] I'm glad you're considerate enough to show your girlfriend there such a good time! Ma'am, please, Mr. D'Arcy is a little shy, so if he protests again, just ignore him, okay? [Turns to Ray] Look, you twit, we're in a terrible hurry and there's no more room on the bus anyway. Get a move on!

Clint: [Straining to see the donkey. To Alice] Aw! What's he doing?

Alice : Nothi - [breaks off, and continues, very stilted] he's doing a funny little dance, wow, that's just amazing.

Smock: [Giving the donkey a wide berth. To Ray, whining] Can we go now?

Agatha : [To Ray] You're late, it's already 9:30 am. Get a move on. [Lights up a cigarette in a long cigaretter holder]

Smock: [Glancing incredulously at Agatha and her long cigarette] Can't you survive on normal air?

Agatha : [To Smock, quickly] What? Of course I can, foolish child! [To Ray] Get going forheaven's sakes.

Patience: [To Smock, amused] C'mon kid, don't knock it 'til you've tried it. If it's good enough for her Highness over there...

Smock: But she's been sucking on one ever since we woke up! I don't think that's natural...

Agatha : [To Smock] You should learn to smoke, it would keep your mouth occupied.

Ray : [Turns to the party, pointing a picture of a lighting cigarette] Excuuuuuse me. This is a smoking bus.

Clint: [Cranes his neck to peer around Emily and says to Agatha in disapproval] Get that nasty, disgusting thing away from me. [Whips out a cigar and starts puffing away]

Emily : Oh Mr. D'Arcy! Such a delicious aroma! What a pity it covers your manly odour, though.

Monty : Is it really neccessary to smoke on this bus?

Ray : Of course! And please note that Federal law prohibits tampering with, enabling, or installing any smoke detector in the bus lavatory. [The bus lurches off, with the party struggling to stay standing]

Clint: [Puffing contentedly. To Ray] No probl. [To Smock] Wanna stogie, kid?

Patience: I'm not usually one for laws, but... [Pulls a cigarette from her pocket, strikes a match on Clint's stubble, and lights up.] Tweed, Shortstuff, you guys good?

Agatha : [To Patience] If they're bad, we're in trouble.

Monty : Fortunately I always carry a supply of novelty candy cigarettes for such an occasion. [Passes some out to the non-smoking members of the party]

Emily : [Pulls out a cigar even bigger than Clint's, from somewhere inside her cleavage, and strikes a match against her own stubble] The restroom break is coming up soon. I do so hope that I get chosen. [Squirms uncomfortably on Clint's lap] I do so need a crap. [Quickly] I mean, I do so need to powder my nose.

[Just a short distance outside of the town, the bus stops, and RAY turns back.]

Ray : Toilet break! [Points at each of Alice, Clint and Agatha] You, you and you. [Points at the tiny bathroom at the front of the bus]

Alice : Yay! [Enters the toilet]

Agatha : [Looks a little suprised] I do not require the use of the faclities at the present, thank you.

Harvey : [Munches on a cigarette] I suppose there is also a federal law preventing the cleaning or even emptying of the toilet, what?

Ray : [Jams on the brakes, even though the bus is already stopped] Well excuuuuuse me, your majesty! Rules are rules. The toilets are perfect.

[Enter ALICE, staggering out of the toilet, looking rather green.]

Alice : Oh my God!

Ray : Unless the three chosen ones use the bathroom, the bus doesn't leave this spot. [Turns away and looks forward, but turns back again almost immediately] Donkey or no donkey!

Clint : [Leaps up, sending Emily crashing to the floor] Sorry babe, but it's for the good of the bus. [Enters the toilet]

Emily : [Lying on the floor, dress up around her ears] Oh, Mr. D'Arcy!

Ray : [To Harvey] No, I just couldn't be bothered, it'll only get dirty again.

[From within the toilet, through the door which, of course, is left ajar, comes the sound of CLINT relieving himself, apparently with great enjoyment. He reappears a few moments later, with his hands dripping wet.]

Emily : Oh, what a gentleman, you washed your hands!

Clint : [Holds out his hand and pulls Emily up] Sure!

Agatha : [Rolls her eyes, takes a handkerchief and covers her mouth and face, steps into the toilet, but returns quickly. To Ray] Now, can we get a move on. I must get to Pharmecutica!

Harvey : [To Ray] I say, we are in rather a hurry, what! I don't suppose you could carry on with the journey?

Harvey : [To Ray] I say, we are in rather a hurry, what! I don't suppose you could carry on with the journey?

Agatha : [To Ray, with an odd mixture off excitment and anger] Yes, pronto! If we're not in Pharmecutica soon I'll sue you for so much you'll have to sell your kidney's, teeth and and eye to pay the fee!

Ray : Let's just see, shall we? [Rolls a dice] Two more for the toilet!

[EMILY and DAFFY scramble for the tiny toilet, with EMILY shoving DAFFY out of the way and getting in first. A few minutes later she comes out and adjusts herself, letting DAFFY in.]

Alice : Gosh, Aggie, you're pretty keen to get to Pharmeceutica, aren't you?

Patience: [To Agatha, quietly.] I can't believe you went in there! Your willingness to sacrifice yourself in pursuit of your goal should be an inspiration to us all. [Shakes her head.] Course, I'd have knocked the driver out, locked him in the toilet, and hijacked the bus, but...

Harvey : Dearest niece, I'm feeling pretty keen to get anywhere other than this bus at the moment, eh!

Alice : I'm just keen to be anywhere that doesn't smell like that awful toilet. [Looks Clint up and down] Hm.

[Enter DAFFY from the toilet.]

Monty : Now can we get moving?

[A deafening siren blasts out, and a light above the toilet door starts flashing. RAY turns to the party and says something completely inaudible.]

Alice : That's a good sign, right?

Agatha : [To Patience] I'd knock him out myself, but I don't know the way to Parmeceutica.

Patience: [Glancing nervously at the toilet, she hastily steps behind Emily, then gestures to Smock.] C'mere, kid. If that thing blows, we'll need a shield...

Smock : Good idea! We can all hide behind there!

Ray : Eeeeeeverybody off!

Clint: [Hops up] All right! We're already there?!

Monty : If by there, you mean in the middle of nowhere, then yes.

Patience: [To Agatha, quietly.] I can't believe you went in there! Your willingness to sacrifice yourself in pursuit of your goal should be an inspiration to us all. [Shakes her head.] Course, I'd have knocked the driver out, locked him in the toilet, and hijacked the bus, but...

Harvey : Dearest niece, I'm feeling pretty keen to get anywhere other than this bus at the moment, eh!

Alice : I'm just keen to be anywhere that doesn't smell like that awful toilet. [Looks Clint up and down] Hm.

[Enter DAFFY from the toilet.]

Monty : Now can we get moving?

[A deafening siren blasts out, and a light above the toilet door starts flashing. RAY turns to the party and says something completely inaudible.]

Alice : That's a good sign, right?

Agatha : [To Patience] I'd knock him out myself, but I don't know the way to Parmeceutica.

Patience: [Glancing nervously at the toilet, she hastily steps behind Emily, then gestures to Smock.] C'mere, kid. If that thing blows, we'll need a shield...

Smock : Good idea! We can all hide behind there!

Ray : Eeeeeeverybody off!

Clint: [Hops up] All right! We're already there?!

Monty : If by there, you mean in the middle of nowhere, then yes.

Smock: What? Not again. I don't want to go back to Metaplasia!

Monty : [Frowns at Smock momentarily] What? Ah yes. My apologies. I meant figuratively, not literally.

Smock: Oh. Good. I think. [To Ray] How come we have to get off?

Harvey : Well said cadet! [To Ray] Well fellow, answer the chap! Why do we all have to get off?

Patience: [To Harvey, quietly] You know, Pops, we could take this chance to ditch some of our fellow passengers... [Glances meaningfully at Daffy and Emily, then back at the flashing light.] But let's discuss this from a safer distance. [Begins to disembark.]

Agatha : [To Patience] Where is this place? [Looks around for a mountain]

Patience: [Shrugs] Beats the hell out of me. But we're looking for a nearby mountain, right? How hard can that possibly be to find?

Harvey : [To Patience] I believe it might be as hard to find as your manners, my dear! Pops indeed!

Clint: Aw, Harv, leave the poor guy alone. We're both pissed about not getting to go on that panty raid. [Gives Patience an arm punch of brotherhood and solidarity]

Patience: [Gives Clint a harder arm punch of brotherhood and solidarity.] Actually, I'm pissed that we're stuck on this bus full of freaks. Which reminds me... if you want panties, why don't you ask [sing-song voice] Emily?

Agatha : [Glad to get off the bus. To Clint, agreeing with Patience] Yes, after all, she is a [emphasises] lady. The first in some time that's been so keen on you, I would guess.

Clint: [Glances at Emily and says to Patience, in a low voice] I'm pretty sure she's not wearing any. Copped a feel when she was in my lap. [Smirks and gives Patience an even harder arm punch] Jealous?

Patience: [With huge emphasis and a vaguely horrified glance at Emily.] Of that?! [Scornfully] C'mon, big guy, even you could do better. [Thoughtfully] Actually, I take that back.

Clint: [Looks at Emily appraisingly and shrugs. To Patience, philosophically] Eh. When you've been around the block as many times as me, you realize that sometimes you get to bang the really hot chicks and sometimes you just gotta keep your eyes closed when you do it.

Agatha : [Looking disgustedly at Clint] How many times *have* you been around the block, eye's closed or otherwise, with a lady like Emily?

Clint: [Finger gun at Agatha] Click-click! Don't worry, baby. The Big General's gotta lotta love to give. Plenty for everyone.

Agatha : [To Clint, unimpressed, coldly] 'Big General'? The last I heard he only had one foot. [Looks around] Where the hell is Parmeceutica?

Clint: [Outraged] What?! Not anymore! Nobody told you?!! [Glares at Alice] SOMEBODY swore they'd spread the word.

Harvey : By the saints, troop! One footed big generals? What on earth are you all about, eh? Perhaps those sickly fumes from the toilets are noxious! Quickly, all out before we are all overcome!

Clint: [A little too eagerly] Good call, Harv! Let's move.

Patience: [To Clint, laughing] So the Big General's got a peg-leg, huh? [To Harvey] I don't know what you're worried about, Old-timer. We all survived the fumes from Peg-leg's sock's, didn't we? Still, better safe than sorry... [Hops off the bus.]

Clint: [Scrambles off the bus after Patience. Bellows] Hey! I told you he's got both legs now!

Ray : [To Harvey] I don't care if you get of the automobusomobile or not, but it sure as squid isn't going anywhere!

Alice : I thought he was more of a Little Private than a Big General? [Follows Patience and Agatha, speaking in a very, very stilted way] It's true. Clint got the missing piece back. [Dripping with sarcasm] He dived into some [waves her hands around] magic brandy. ### Unlikely as it may sound, this is actually true!

Harvey : [To Ray] And why isn't this transport going anywhere, eh? Why are we not, as of the now, on our way to Pharmacuetica?

Agatha : [To Harvey] Perhaps it's because of poor leadership.

Smock: [Angrily to Agatha] Harvey is a great leader!

Patience: [Rolls her eyes in disbelief.] Magic brandy. Right. If you can't think of a better line than that... [Shrugs and stalks off to yell at Ray.] Why have we stopped? And what's with the siren?

Clint: [Scanning the area outside the bus] Anyone see anything interesting?

Agatha : [Urgently] Dam, we need to get a move on. Uncle Harvey, could you be a darling and find out what the hold up is please.

Clint: Screw this. Let's just take over the bus. [Follows Patience and whispers to her] I'll grab his legs. You grab his arms. Then we tie him up, gag him, toss him in back, and start driving. All right?

Patience: [Nods.] Got it. And if you can find me a towel, I'll even drive.

Clint: [Hands Patience a filthy, snot-encrusted dishtowel] Here ya go. Let's move.

Ray : We are stopped because someone [pauses to meaningfully glare at each of Alice, Clint, Agatha, Daffy and Emily] interfered with the smoke alarm. Not the actions of someone who wants to get to Pharmeceutica in the opinion of this reporter. This is Ray Sunshine, reporting for K-BUS. Back to you in the studio, Diane.

Patience: [Stuffs the towel into a pocket, walks up behind Ray, and leans over his shoulder, talking quietly into his ear.] So... how much longer until we get to Pharmaceutica? We really are in kind of a rush, you know.

Ray : Diane, the passengers from the bus are getting quite aggressive, and don't seem to be aware that the bus will be delayed for four hours while the controls are locked out.

Clint: [Nods] Right. [To Patience] On three! One, two--[prepares to grab Ray's legs]

Patience: Three! [Grabs Ray's arms.] Okay, someone tie this freak up, and quick!

[CLINT grabs RAY's legs easily, and pulls him off the seat.]

Ray : Diane! The bus appears to have fallen on its side!

Alice : I'm on it! [Leaps on Ray in a blur of ropes and knot tying, before jumping back triumphantly] Ta-da!

[CLINT is now tied to RAY's feet, while PATIENCE is tied to his hands.]

Clint: [Exasperated] Yes!

Alice : Look! Do you want it done quickly or do you want it done right?

Clint: [Annoyed] Not an ORGY tie, Bimbo!

Patience: [Drily] I figured you'd have expertise at tying up men, Blondie, but did you [emphasis] really have to include me?

Clint: [Uneasily, squirming in the ropes] So, what do all those sailors do on those long, lonely nights, no women anywhere in sight?

Harvey : [Begins undoing the knots] By the saints, dear niece, you would have made a fine sailor! That is, if women weren't incredibly bad omens to have onboard a ship!

Harvey : [Shrugs his shoulders] Who knows with those salty buggers, private! Who knows!

Clint: [Shudders] Hey, Harv, have you been feeling cursed or anything? I mean, you're jinxed, too, right?

Agatha : [Pulls a short sword from her handbag and cut's Patience free from Ray. To Ray] How do you override the control lockout?

Patience: Thanks, Princess! Are you sure that you and Blondie are related? [Pulls the towel from her pocket and starts cleaning the driver's seat.] I wonder... [tries the controls.]

Clint: [To Agatha, annoyed] Little help? [squirms pointedly and nods at Agatha's sword]

Harvey : [To Ray] I'd answer the dear girl if I were you, driver chappie!

Agatha : [To Clint] No, not yet, we may need him. [Perhaps someone could tie him up properly. To Ray, pointing at his tounge with her sword] Use it or lose it buster!

Patience: [Ponders Clint for a long moment.] Oh, all right. [Trusses Ray up tightly, then cuts Clint free with one of her knives.] Reminds me of the time me and my brothers tied a nerd to a tree and left him there. Ah, good times...

Ray : I can't help you! It's automatic!

Agatha : [To Ray] Why don't you remove the automation?

Clint: [To Ray] Hell, point me to it, and I'll take care of it for you! [Flexes his door-kicking foot impressively]

Patience: Because he's a fecking moron?

Ray : It is a fiendishly complicate mechanism, that cannot simply be broken, you foolish people. [Points at a small box, which was "Break to remove" written on it.]

Patience: [Plops herself down in the driver's seat.] Clint, you wanna do the honors?

Alice : Uh, I'm not sure about that. Maybe tampering with it might be illegal - we might need to find another way to steal the bus.

Clint: [Attempts to smash the box by giving it a hard kick. To Alice, after kicking] What was that, Bimbo?

[CLINT kicks the box clean off, sending it flying out of the automobusomobile, and causing the horses to roar to life.]

Alice : I said quickly, let's get out of here before anyone else gets on the bus, especially your new girlfriend and the guy with the scary short pants, after all, it was hardly one of us that sabotaged the smoke alarm.

Ray : [Adding dramatically, even though he is on the ground and tied up] Or was it?

Agatha : [Getting into the bus. To Clint, sarcastically] We should sue the bus comapany for putting that little black box there, you could have tripped and hurt yourself. Nice work, Big General.

Smock: [To Patience] Let Alice drive! She'll get us there real fast, I bet. And we gotta make a good entrance! [Enthusiastically, mimics the swerving and resultant crash of their last carriage.]

Harvey : Well troop, another crime committed in the name of do gooding! [Sighs] Let's be on our way, eh!

Patience: Right, we're outta here. [Steps on it, apparently under the impression that she's an Italian driving a sportscarriage. To Smock] Actually, I was thinking maybe we'd give you a few pointers and then let you drive, kid. C'mon, it's easy!

Smock: [Suddenly enamoured of Patience] Really? Wow, that would be awesome! [Settles beside the driver's seat, ready to watch everything Patience does.]

Patience: Hey, someone find out how we get where we're going! [Turns to Smock.] Right, so you use this to stop and this to go, and this to turn. Simple. [Scoots well over to one side.] Give it a try. We'll make you a better driver than Alice in no time.

Smock: [Practically squeals] Yay! [Sits beside Patience and takes over driving with a big grin.] You're the best Patience!

Alice : Hey! It's not as simple as that! It's all about getting a feel for the road and what the carriage is capable of! I'll show you how to drive properly, Smock!

Patience: Blondie, we're trying to teach the kid how to drive, not how to crash. Once we've got the basics under control, then it will be time for your special expertise.

Smock: But I wanna drive. If you show me, you have to promise not to just keep on going...

[Book V, Act V, Scene V. The Automobusomobile. ALICE, CLINT, SMOCK, HARVEY, MONTY, PATIENCE and AGATHA are here, with SMOCK and PATIENCE wrestling over the reins, and bus barely staying on the road.]

Alice : Oh, forget the basics, Patience! It's the advanced part that matters, although, you might want to get her to stay on the road.

Monty : Ahem. Perhaps now is not the best time for driving lessons. [Checks his clipboard] One wonders why those passengers sabotaged the bus.

[SMOCK floors the reins, and the carriage lurches forward, sending the other passengers (now disembarked) scattering and running for cover.]

Alice : Hey, she's not bad!

[The side of the bus scrapes against the side of the road as SMOCK struggles to keep it straight.]

Smock: Wee! [Leaning to the side as she strives to turn the bus. Takes her eyes off the road to ask Monty] So do I just keep going this way or do you have a map?

Monty : [Speaking to be heard over the noise of the bus being scraped along the side of the road] I fear you misunderstood the driver. He said that someone interfered with it and enabled it - the rule is that people must be smoking, remember.

Agatha : [To Monty] Sabotaged? They didn't sabotage the bus, my cigarette set of the smoke detector in the water closet and triped the absurd lock out system.

Monty : [Glares disapprovingly at Patience] Possibly. However, they seemed as anxious to get to Pharmeceutica as us, although [muses to himself] the alternative seems less likely.

Patience: [Hastily twitches the reins to keep the bus on the road.] Don't be such a spoilsport, Tweed, the kid's doing great! [Aside, to Smock.] Eyes on the road, 'k? [Back to Monty again, after another quick course adjustment.] Maybe they were just vandals?

Smock: What're ya talking about, Monty?

Monty : Only five people had the opportunity to sabotage the bus, and three of them are party members, so it seems unlikely that it was one of them.

Patience: [Mulls this over.] You know, neither of those two idiots seemed like they were smart enough to sabotage a bus. Anyone want to figure out what they did to the smoke detector? I'd look, but I'm a bit busy...

Agatha : [To Monty] Did you say it was a smoking bus only? How absurd.

Smock: I betcha Emily just wanted to spend more quality time with Clint. [Sings] Emily and Clint, sitting in a tree. K-i-s-s-i-n-g.

Monty : [Looks Agatha up and down] Quite.

Clint : [Lighting up a cigar as he shrugs at Smock] What's the big deal, kid? I've got to spread it around - ugly chicks need love too.

Patience: [Laughing] That'd have to be one hell of a tree! I mean, Emily is a big girl! [Quietly, to Smock] And what he means is that he has to take it where he can get it.

Agatha : [To Smock] Even if that means a bearded transvestite.

Clint : [Giving Agatha a nudge] That's right babe, there [emphasis] is hope for you yet!

Smock: [To Agatha, taking her eyes off the road again] A what? [Quickly compensates the bus's veering with a tug on the reins.]

Agatha : [Unbothered by the insult. To Clint] So you were aware that Emily was a transvestite?

Patience: Now Ag, Emily is a [emphasis] lady, you know. [Snickers]

Smock: [Frowns at being ignored, then continues to sing] First comes love, then comes marriage, then come the babies in the baby carriage!

Agatha : [To Smock] Keep your eyes peeled for any signs to Pharmecuetica, we don't want to miss it. [Lights up another cigarette]

Clint : Nope, wasn't aware, just don't care.

Agatha : [Looks suprised, but turns quickly to suspicion. To Monty and Alice] Don't you find that a little odd? Mr Scar openly admitting to being bisexual!

Clint : Mr. Scar is admitting to nothing, toots. [Takes a drag on his cigar, and blows a cloud of disgusting smoke in Agatha's direction]

Patience: Getting hopeful, more likely. [Rummages around near the driver's seat in hopes of finding a map.] Here, Clint, make yourself useful and figure out what Em did to the smoke detector, 'k?

Clint : Getting worried that I won't be interested in you, babe?

Agatha : [To Monty] Did you say it was a smoking bus only? How absurd.

Smock: I betcha Emily just wanted to spend more quality time with Clint. [Sings] Emily and Clint, sitting in a tree. K-i-s-s-i-n-g.

Monty : [Looks Agatha up and down] Quite.

Clint : [Lighting up a cigar as he shrugs at Smock] What's the big deal, kid? I've got to spread it around - ugly chicks need love too.

Patience: [Laughing] That'd have to be one hell of a tree! I mean, Emily is a big girl! [Quietly, to Smock] And what he means is that he has to take it where he can get it.

Agatha : [To Smock] Even if that means a bearded transvestite.

Clint : [Giving Agatha a nudge] That's right babe, there [emphasis] is hope for you yet!

Smock: [To Agatha, taking her eyes off the road again] A what? [Quickly compensates the bus's veering with a tug on the reins.]

Agatha : [Unbothered by the insult. To Clint] So you were aware that Emily was a transvestite?

Patience: Now Ag, Emily is a [emphasis] lady, you know. [Snickers]

Smock: [Frowns at being ignored, then continues to sing] First comes love, then comes marriage, then come the babies in the baby carriage!

Agatha : [To Smock] Keep your eyes peeled for any signs to Pharmecuetica, we don't want to miss it. [Lights up another cigarette]

Clint : Nope, wasn't aware, just don't care.

Agatha : [Looks suprised, but turns quickly to suspicion. To Monty and Alice] Don't you find that a little odd? Mr Scar openly admitting to being bisexual!

Clint : Mr. Scar is admitting to nothing, toots. [Takes a drag on his cigar, and blows a cloud of disgusting smoke in Agatha's direction]

Patience: Getting hopeful, more likely. [Rummages around near the driver's seat in hopes of finding a map.] Here, Clint, make yourself useful and figure out what Em did to the smoke detector, 'k?

Clint : Getting worried that I won't be interested in you, babe?

Clint : Nah, I think that's more in Tweed's line. I'll stay up here and see if I can find where the driver stored his liquor.

[MONTY goes back to investigate the smoke alarm, while the bus plows onwards, somehow staying on the road through a combination of PATIENCE and SMOCK, fighting for control, although it is getting increasingly more damaged as time goes on. A mountain soon appears in the distance, and the party get ever closer. Enter PHIL CLEAN, just as the party approach the base of the mountain.]

Phil : [Holding his hand up, with a pleasant smile] Hi there! I have some really, really, really important news. It's really, really, really important that you listen to me. There are some really, really, [realises that, although Patience has managed to hit the brakes the bus is going to hit him] oh. This is really, really, really bad.

[Splat. The bus hits PHIL, and stops a few feet further on.]

Phil Clean

Agatha : [To Clint] Admitting, implying, whatever. I don't really care. [Looks suspiciously at Clint] It's just very suprising, to me, to see you frolicking with a transvestite. I thought you were straight. [Shrugs, wafting the cigar smoke aside]

Patience: [Mortified] Oops. Alright, kid, I think driving lessons are over for the days. [Hops out of the bus to see if there's anything left.]

Monty : [Arrives back from the bathroom with the smoke alarm in pieces] I believe I discovered what happened. [Holds up a piece] Someone switched it on.

[Everyone gets out of the bus, just as PHIL slowly peels off the front of the bus and lands on his back.]

Phil : Ow.

Patience: [To Phil, subdued] Oh God, I'm so sorry about that! You okay? [Frowns] You should really, really, really not stand in the middle of the road like that! [Begins searching her pockets for bailing twine to help hold the unfortunate Phil together.]

Phil : Vision growing dim... hearing muffled... blood in mouth... [suddenly turns and smiles at Smock] Aw! You think so? Thanks so much!

Smock: Yeah! [Smile turning to a look of concern] Oh, right. I guess you need some help. [Kneels beside Phil and casts a healing spell on him.]

Smock: [Bounds out of the bus and stops to point at Phil.] Those pants are awesome!

Harvey : [To Phil] So, fellow, what was the really really really important piece of news you had to tell us? Possibly to slow down, what!

Phil : [Coughs up some blood, clearly in a very bad state] Oh come on! Don't make me laugh so much! [To Smock] Aw, I'm fine, don't worry about it! [Gives a little shudder as Smock's spell takes affect] Oh, now I'm feeling a 110% better. [Tries to get up, but falls back down]

Smock: [Frowns.] So did you want to tell us something or not? [Brightly] Or did you just want a ride? I'm driving - it's great!

Phil : It was really super - except for the knocking down part, of course. I wanted to give you a warning. There's leakage in Pharmeceutica.

Smock: What's leaking? I'm sure it can't be as bad as Clint.

Patience: Yeah, I'm sure we can handle it. We deal with disgusting things all the time!

Phil : Not like this, I fear, the Ephidrinians and the Nandroleons are joining forces to try and absorb the Cialitians, and, you know, this can mean only one thing.

[All the party members exchange blank looks.]

Alice : Uh, that you're not speaking English anymore?

Phil : You must get away from this place! Only demons survive here, you will all die horribly! Horribly!

Patience: [Snorts] Yeah, like I believe that. Where did they find you, anyway?

Phil : They, [coughs up some more blood, before looking passed Patience and Smock] Oh! [Big smile] Oh, you're gonna be just fine! [Dies]

Clint : Who was he looking at? Someone other than Patience and Smock, right?

Smock: [To Phil with complete confidence] Oh, that's okay, cuz these guys are heroes.

Monty : [To Smock] Indeed you did. However, you deserve no more thanks than one who fails to save a drowning man that they themselves are responsible for submergin in water. [Looks Patience up and down] Quite how that is relevant, I do not know.

Smock: Well you done watched him drown didn't you, even though you're the lifeguard, so... so, nyuh! [Pokes her tongue at Monty then turns away and crosses her arms with a sulky look.]

Monty : [Steps up, clipboard in hand] Perhaps some respect for the recently deceased might be in order, young Smock, especially when you were at least partially responsible for the man's death.

Patience: [Shrugs] Dunno. We'll have to give it a try, though. [Gently, to Smock] Look, kid, maybe I'd better do the driving from here. [To Clint] Hey, big guy, help me get this poor sod into the bus. Maybe there's a place we can bury him, anyway.

Monty : I'm glad you agree, Miss Summers, because you yourself are even more guilty.

Patience: [Glances down at her own ensemble] You got something against leather and denim, Tweed?

Patience: You know that I hate to agree with Tweed, kid, but he is right. [Pauses] Although really, he was committing a crime against taste by wearing those pants anyway.

Harvey : By the saints, troop! I am aghast at the lack of concern and remorse at this man's death - aghast I say!

Clint : I'm pretty aghast too, Harv. What about you, Bimbo?

Alice : I'm more agog,

Clint : [Puts his cigar in his mouth and catches Phil's legs, before looking up at Patience] You sure you want to bury him on the bus?

Smock: [To Patience, still sulky] Fine.

Agatha : [Looks from the autobusmobile to the mountain and back. To Patience] Do you think the bus will get us up there. At least some of the way?

Patience: [Throws her hands in the air.] Look, just because I'm not a wreck doesn't mean I don't feel bad! I'm just not going to be a girl about it, that's all. [Shakes her head] And no, Clint, we're just going to take him to Pharmaceutica.

Harvey : On the contrary, young Agatha! I of all people understand the importance of remorse. Those who do not respect history are bound to repeat it are bound to repeat it are bound to repeat it.

Alice : Well, I felt sorry that poor old, uh, whatever his name was, died!

Smock: [Confused] They're leaking?

Agatha : [To Alice] I suppose you want to give him a name now, and have a funeral.

Agatha : [To Harvey] You of all people should understand the futility of remorse. We have a mission, and no time to waste on some idiotic dead hippy.

Alice : Let's call him Agatha.

Alice : [Smiles sweetly at Agatha] I'm not getting huffy, Aggie. This is no time for your silly games.

Agatha : [Sighs, tired of Alice's stroppyness] Whatever. [To the others] So, let's go. Any ideas as to how we might get into the mountain? [Looks over to Monty, expectantly]

Smock: What a waste. [Shakes her head at all the blood.] They were such great pants!

Alice : Why don't you tell the lawyer? [Sits into the bus]

Monty : Through some sort of entrance, one would imagine.

Smock: Hey! I tried to save him! [Stands up to face Monty] Where were you huh? I'm sure you've got first-aid training.

Agatha : [To Monty, with icy cold sarcasm] Your genius knows no bounds. [Looks up the mountain]

Agatha : [To Alice] No need to get all huffy, little sister, this is no time for one of your tantrums.

Patience: What this is no time for is behaving like children. [Shakes her head sadly]

Harvey : [Whispering loudly in Harvey style to Agatha] I say dearest niece, steady on with the praise, what! Don't want to give private Giles a big head, eh! He's practically unbearable as it is, without him thinking himself a genius to boot!

Clint: Good advice, Harv. Here, allow me. [To Monty] Hey, egghead! You're an idiot!

Agatha : Indeed he is an idiot. [To Harvey] Uncle Harvey, I was being sarcastic when I said he was a genius, because he was stating the obvious and being entirely unhelpful and smug.

Monty : [Unperturbed at this abuse] Perhaps, Ms. Bassett-Short, one could define an idiot as one who leads an expedition without any knowledge of how to execute the task? [Points at Phil] I suggest we continue upwards, and keep our eyes peeled for any signs of how this unfortunate came to be introduced to our automobusomible in such violent fashion.

Smock: [Immitating Monty, mockingly] And what do you propose we do with this, ahem, recently deceased individual, since you were particularly concerned with affording him the proper respect?

Patience: Tweed, he was "introduced to our automobusomible in such violent fashion" because he was standing in the middle of the road. Now let's get up the road, to the next of kin, and into the mountain.

Agatha : [To Monty] I'm not leading this expedition you idiot! Why the hell do you think I asked you lot to help me? [To Harvey] Where in the world did you find this [Gestures towards Monty] bumbling buffoon?

Smock: Let's just go already! [Goes back to the bus]

Monty : [To Agatha] Some buffoons, one encounters throughout the course of one's life. Other buffoons, unfortunately, one is related to. Perhaps if you told us everything you know, [quick glance at his watch] which should only take a few seconds, there would be less confusion over exactly what role you intend to play.

Patience: [Aside, to Clint] If I didn't know better, I would swear Monty and Agatha were a married couple, you know?

Alice : Nah, he's not rich enough for her!

Clint: [Nods at Patience] Yeah, they do seem to have a good, healthy disgust for each other, don't they?

Monty : Ahem! [Taps the top of his clipboard irritably with a pen] Perhaps we could carry on up the mountain, and this time try to avoid running anyone down?

Clint: [Gives Monty a hearty backslap] Good call, egghead. Lead the way!

Monty : [Tired sigh] If I am the only one capable of driving the bus without killing anyone, then so be it. [Sits behind the wheel of the bus and blows the horn] Quickly! Everyone be seated!

Patience: [Hops on a seat, and turns to Clint and Smock.] Why do I have the feeling that Tweed drives like my grandmother?

Clint: [To Patience, with a wink] Nah, I bet your grandmother's a real party gal! [To Monty] Step on it, tweedy!

Clint: [Glares at Monty] What are you waiting for?! There's hardly any traffic at all!

Monty : [Puts on the indicator] It is imperative that we wait until we verify that the traffic is light enough for us to pull out.

[Everyone sits there, waiting for MONTY to pull out.]

Monty : [Not even looking back at Clint] Better safe than sorry, Mr. Scar.

Agatha : [To Monty] If we wanted it this safe we'd have stayted at home! Get on with it for heavens sakes!

Monty : [With a smile playing on his lips] Given that your family home has burned to the ground, I sincerely doubt that. [Agonisingly slowly pulls off]

[Book V, Act V, Scene VI. The Automobusomobile. ALICE, AGATHA, CLINT, MONTY, HARVEY, SMOCK and PATIENCE are here, making slow progress up the mountain. A short distance ahead, a man, CLAUDE GRUEL, steps out into the middle of the road and holds a hand up.]

Claude : Halt! [Thumps his chest hard] Oh yeah!

Claude Gruel

Agatha : [To Monty] Given that the family home has already burned to the ground then I'd say it's pretty safe. It can hardly burn to the ground again before ithas been rebuilt.

Harvey : [To Claude] What is the meaning of this? Why have you blocked our passage, fellow?

Agatha : [To Claude, looking him over, grimacing] Eww, nasty, is that contagious? [Holds a silk handkerchief over her mouth]

Patience: [Glancing distastefully at Claude.] Yeah, and what are you trying to compensate for?

Harvey : I say, perhaps he's one of the demons that the other chappie warned us about!

Clint: [Gapes at Claude] Yeah, buddy, whaddya got, like [holds up two fingers to indicate "really, really tiny"] that much to offer a woman?

Claude : [Does a pelvic thrust, which just looks a little sad, before addressing Clint] Hey, bitch, with women like you around, no wonder Sir Reginald Farthington-Carruthers is small!

[Everyone exchances curious glances, and a brief silence falls.]

Alice : Is that your real head? Because it looks really small. [To the party] Doesn't his head look small?

Agatha : [Looks at Alice, then Clint then at Claude] Small groin, small head, small personality. [To Claude] Did you want to say something to us?

Claude : [To Alice] You bitch! What the hell is that supposed to mean?

Alice : Hey! I just meant that your shoulders are really big!

Claude : [With a big smile] Aw! Really? Thanks! Want to go in to Pharmeceutica?

Smock: [Looking sickly pale, to Claude] Yes.

Harvey : [To Claude] Well of course we do, that is why we are on this road, fellow! What is the current situation in the town?

Claude : [Not clear if he's talking to Harvey or Smock] Well tough shit, bitch. [Hits his chest really hard] Ooooh yeah!

Patience: Yeah? So what's the problem, Tiny?

Claude : This is Nandroleon territory - none of you bastards may cross here without first submitting to a thorough and humiliating search. [Points at Alice and gives her a smile] Except you, sweetie, you can just go right in.

Smock: [Clearly dreading the answer] What do we have to look for?

Agatha : [To Claude] If you so much as lay a hand on me I'll kill you, is that clear, steriod boy?

Claude : Well, I'm not sure really, basically anything we can just take off you or that might be used as - [realisation dawns] hey! [Turns to someone out of sight] They're trying to outsmart me! [Turns back to Smock] You bitch!

Harvey : I say, steady on! Less of that language if you don't mind, as there are ladies present! [Scratches at a sideburn] So, what have you lost?

Claude : [With difficulty, folds his arms] All patience with you lot. Unless you submit to a search, you will not be permitted entry to Pharmeceutica. Not one of you. Not a single one. None. [Gives Alice a friendly wink] Except her.

Patience: Oh, he's lost lots of things, Harv. But most importantly, his self-respect and his [glances at Smock] err... personality.

Alice : Hey! He likes me, so he must have self-respect and personality! Last from Conor #20

Agatha : [To Claude] Like I said, lay one finger on me, you're a dead muscle.

Clint: [To Claude] All right, freak, I'll bite--why aren't you gonna search the bimbo? [nods at Alice]

Claude : [Shrugs at Agatha, although it's difficult to tell] Like I said, either you submit to a search, or you don't get in. [To Clint, in a strangely whiney voice] Because she wasn't mean to me.

Monty : I will submit to a search, if there is no other course of action possible. Perhaps if one simply complimented him. Now, let me see. [Looks Claude up and down] You have a very nice, a very, um, I like your - hm. Very well then. I shall submit to the search.

[MONTY steps forward, backpack with him, and is pointed off to the side by CLAUDE.]

Monty : [On seeing what awaits] Oh! I say! [Loosens his tie, and glances back at the party] I may be some time.

Patience: Hey, if you have to search us, you have to search us. [Indicates Monty with a toss of her head] Start with him.

Clint: [Heads over to Monty] What is it?!

Monty : [Holding his hand up, but not looking back] It's quite alright, Mr. Scar. I can handle matters here.

[CLAUDE steps in front of CLINT, blocking the way.]

Claude : Yeah.

Clint: [To Claude] What, you think we're gonna let our wussiest party member go with you without any protection at all?! [To Monty] I'm coming with you, egghead. This freak can search you if he wants, but he's not gonna trap you in some locker room freakshow where you gotta wear nothing but a towel and pretend to drop soap in the shower and that crap [shudders]. [To Alice] Of course, that [huge emphasis] would be kinda funny!

Monty : Mr. Scar! I insist! [Takes off his glasses as he is pulled from view]

Claude : [To Clint] You can go, if you submit to the search. [Tries to give an evil maniac cackle, but it only comes out as one cackle about every two seconds, and finishes with a blaringly loud "Ha"]

Smock: [Calling after Monty] I'll help you Monty! [Runs up to Claude] I'll do the search too.

Monty : [Somewhat muffled] No!

Claude : [Juts his thumb in Monty's direction, addressing Smock] Off you go.

[SMOCK rounds the corner, and stops dead in her tracks with a look of shock.]

Alice : What's going on? What's going on?

Patience: [Looks at Harvey, Alice, and Agatha.] This quest of yours damn well better be worth it, Princess. [Reluctantly steps forward to follow Clint, Monty, and Smock.] I'm warning you, Tiny, anyone tries a cavity search and I'm gutting you, we clear?

Smock: There's more of them [glances at Claude then back to Alice] - girl ones. [Looks back to Monty and frowns sympathetically] Poor Monty! [Calling to the searchers] Don't be so rough! [Hurries over to assist Monty.]

Clint: [Intrigued] Hey, I'm next! [Joins Smock and Monty]

Claude : [Shakes his head slowly at Patience] A search is a search. You not ready for it? You can just get the hell out of here. [Shouts] Hoo yeah! [Thumps himself on the chest]

[Everyone peers around the corner, and see that MONTY has just been searched by two well build women, BAMBI and THUMPER. He is staggering away from them, looking pretty ruffled, but strangely happy.]

Monty : Yes. Quite. Perhaps I might have a cigarette?

Bambi

Thumper

Smock: Monty! Are you all right?

Clint: [To Smock] Trust me, kid. He's never been better. [To Monty, with a congratulatory arm punch] Congrats! You finally got a woman to touch you!

Monty : [Almost falling over from the soft punch] In places that not even the class prefect would have ventured. [To Smock] Indeed, Miss Smock, I am quite fine.

[SMOCK is quickly snatched up by BAMBI, and shaken, causing the contents of her pockets to fall on the ground. After some investigation, she is set down.]

Bambi : Next!

Clint: [Strides up to Bambi] Hey, baby. Do me next--if you know what I mean! [wiggles eyebrows suggestively]

Agatha : [To the party] There's no way in hell any of these morons are going to search me! [Gets her sword out, ready to defend herself]

Patience: Yeah, well, Clint's kind of a degenerate, Blondie, so that's hardly a surprise, is it? [Apprehensively steps forward.] Just get it over with, ladies.

Alice : Aw, come now, Aggie, it can't be that bad! [Nods at the blur of of searching that is Clint and the women] Even Clint is enjoying it!

[CLINT is spat out the other side, looking even more dishevelled than MONTY did.]

Bambi : He's clean.

Thumper : Well, not exactly clean, but he doesn't have any contraband.

Bambi : [Pulling on her extra thick glove] And all you had to do was compliment him, fools!

[BAMBI and THUMPER set to work on PATIENCE.]

Monty : [Sprawled out on the ground, smoking a cheeseratte as he addresses Clint] I know the feeling, Mr. Scar. I was particularly enamoured at Ms. Thumpers... thoroughness.

Clint: [Puffing blissfully on a cigar] Damn, I needed that.

Clint: [Flops down on the ground by Monty and puffs away. Appreciatively] And that little thing she did with that big stick! [Sighs happily and leans back. To Monty, dreamily] Hey, Monts, doesn't that cloud look just exactly like Bambi's fist?

Harvey : [Shudders as he looks up] By the saints troop, judging by her size I'd say it's to scale also!

Monty : [Takes a long drag] It sure does - except smaller.

[PATIENCE is ejected by the searchers, looking pretty shaken up, but with no apparent contraband.]

Bambi : [Cracking her knuckles] Next!

Patience: [Darkly, to Clint.] Not one word, if you want to keep the Little General. Not one word. [Drops bonelessly to the ground.]

Monty : You'll soon see Harv. [Tries to stand up, and adopts the John Wayne style walk to move] Ow. [Takes another step] Ow.

Alice : [Rolls her eyes] Honestly! You're rather have [points up at the cloud] that shoved up you rather than say something nice about the guy? [Folds her arms] It's just a pity Austin isn't alive to see this display.

Harvey : [To Claude] Well fellow, you certainly do look like you work out, what! How many benches can you press? Or presses can you bench? Not sure which is the technical term!

Alice : Oh for God's sake! Honestly, Uncle Harvey! [Gestures at Claude] Do you think he's an idiot? That feigning interest in his humdrum life now, after seeing your comrades humiliated, is somehow going to spare you the Probulator?

Claude : [Face softens into a big smile] Aw, thanks. It's funny, but bench pressing doesn't involve benches at all! [Bursts out laughing] Oh, you've set me off now. Ah. I can remember the first few times I went out to by a bench press kit - each time I came back with some flat packed furniture! [Laughs so hard that some milk comes down his nose] Go on, Joker, you better head in before you do me an injury. [To the Searchers, still coming out with the occasional fit of giggles] This one's okay too. I like to call him Joker, because he tells so many funny jokes. [Gives another big laugh, before pointing at Harvey] Oh you!

Alice : [Highly impressed] Pretty smooth, Uncle H!

Smock: [Picks up the contents of her pockets from the ground, chasing after a extraodinarily large cockroach that also fell out when she was shaken.] So what is conti- contra-banned then?

Harvey : [Winks at Alice and bows to Claude] May your biceps always bulge, fellow!

Claude : [Tries to bow to Harvey, but can't, due to too much bulging] Thank you, sir! [To Smock] Oh, certain witchcraft items.

[Everyone turns and looks at AGATHA, the only person who hasn't been searched or given permission to enter.]

Agatha : [Still with her sword drawn] Keep away from me!

Smock: [Picking up the cockroach, to Claude] Like chicken's feet?

Claude : That sort of thing, yes.

Clint: [To Claude] Well, I searched old Aggie, there, not half an hour ago. Searched her REAL good, if you know what I mean [nudges Claude]. Naked parlor games and all [winks at Agatha]. So, no need to search her, you handsome devil, you. [To Alice, pointedly] Don't you think old Claude here is a just a big dreamy hunk?

Smock: [Grinning at Agatha] I reckon she needs another search!

Alice : [To Clint] Not as much as you do, obviously!

Agatha : No one is searching me.

Claude : [To Smock] I reckon she does too, but unless she does, she doesn't get in. Unless [gives the party a wink] you present her for searching.

Clint: [To Claude, stepping in front of Agatha protectively] The lady doesn't wanna be searched. My guess? Probably that time of the month. You know how it is. [To Monty, delighted] Damn, what do you think Bambi and Thumper are like when they're all PMSed?!

Monty : [Says nothing, but giggles and sniggers like a schoolboy]

Claude : Fine. [Gives another imperceptible shrug] Then she doesn't come in.

Clint: [To Claude, stepping in front of Agatha protectively] The lady doesn't wanna be searched. My guess? Probably that time of the month. You know how it is. [To Monty, delighted] Damn, what do you think Bambi and Thumper are like when they're all PMSed?!

Monty : [Says nothing, but giggles and sniggers like a schoolboy]

Claude : Fine. [Gives another imperceptible shrug] Then she doesn't come in.

Smock: [Quietly to Agatha] Just compliment him already. Tell him he's the finest male specimen you ever did see. I know it's a lie, [glances at Claude] or something worse, but you're a lawyer so you're used to it.

Agatha : [Loudly] I will not compliment that oaf! He looks like a partially inflated michelin man, except with less personality.

Alice : [To Smock] She is so not a lawyer!

Clint: [Rolls his eyes at Agatha] Fine. Stay behind then. [To Smock with a world-weary sigh] I'm starting to think we're the brains of this outfit, kid.

Smock: [Moving away from Agatha, giving her a frown as she joins Clint. To Clint] Yeah, I reckon. [Glances at the giggling Monty] They must have confiscated Monty's mind. [Puts her cockroach back in her pocket.]

Clint: [Looks at Monty in amusement. To Smock] Nah, he's finally showing some real smarts, if you ask me!

Harvey : [To Claude] My dear good sir, just think of all those iron pumping opportunities you'll be missing out on while ensuring this dear girl is prevented from entering! [Sighs] I just hope you'll not be half the man you currently are when we leave your town and collect our companion!

Monty : [Flattening down his hair and retying his shirt buttons] Ahem. [To the party] Given that Agatha is the key here, perhaps we should submit her for searching?

Claude : [Gives another hollow laugh] I could snap her neck like a twig. [Bends over, with some considerable difficulty, and, after a lot of puffing and panting, picks up a twig, which he easily snaps] See?

Harvey : I see, sir, I see. [Scratches at a sideburn] I take it this is the only way in and out of the town? From a health and safety point of view, what would happen if this entrance was blocked?

Claude : Then there wouldn't be any way out.

Monty : [Now back to looking his normal dapper self] Surely there's some sort of ancient secret escape passage?

Claude : Of course. But that's a secret.

Harvey : Hmm, and indeed. [Quietly to Agatha] I say dear niece, you're not carrying anything, how shall I say, illegal, into this town, are you?

Agatha : [Blatantly affronted] No! Of course not!

Smock: [Exasperated] Well get a search then!

Patience: [Impatiently] Look, Princess, you're the one who wanted us to come here. Compliment him already and get it over with. Tell him you love the way he snaps twigs so effortlessly. Something. Or, if you can't bring yourself to lie for a good cause, just grab your ankles and let Bambi and Thumper get on with it, already!

Alice : [To Smock] Maybe [emphasis] we should search her?

Alice : [Rolls her eyes] Oh for God's sake! [To the others] Come on, let's search her!

Patience: [Shrugs] Okay, Blondie, I'm game. I'll check her pockets. You can do the other bits. C'mon Princess, this won't take but a minute. [Reaches for Ag's pockets.]

Harvey : [To Alice] Very well dear niece! [Turns to Agatha] Sorry dear niece, but this must be done! [Begins patting her arms]

Alice : Okay, but let's be gentle. [The party descend on AGATHA.]

Alice : [Gleefully upends Agatha's bag on the ground, turfing all her stuff out] Yeeeha! Ow. What's that? [Pokes a little pile with her foot, which is made up of Chicken's Feet, Toad stools, Eyes of Newt and other assorted witchcraft items] Gasp! Look at that! [Points out something] Black lipstick!

Agatha : [Furious] Unhand me you degenerates! [Tries to punch Alice in the face and kick Harvey in the groin]

Smock: [Brightly] I wanna go to! [Makes to help searching Agatha.]

Smock: [Quietly to Agatha] Just compliment him already. Tell him he's the finest male specimen you ever did see. I know it's a lie, [glances at Claude] or something worse, but you're a lawyer so you're used to it.

Agatha : [Loudly] I will not compliment that oaf! He looks like a partially inflated michelin man, except with less personality.

Alice : [To Smock] She is so not a lawyer!

Clint: [Rolls his eyes at Agatha] Fine. Stay behind then. [To Smock with a world-weary sigh] I'm starting to think we're the brains of this outfit, kid.

Smock: [Moving away from Agatha, giving her a frown as she joins Clint. To Clint] Yeah, I reckon. [Glances at the giggling Monty] They must have confiscated Monty's mind. [Puts her cockroach back in her pocket.]

Clint: [Looks at Monty in amusement. To Smock] Nah, he's finally showing some real smarts, if you ask me!

Harvey : [To Claude] My dear good sir, just think of all those iron pumping opportunities you'll be missing out on while ensuring this dear girl is prevented from entering! [Sighs] I just hope you'll not be half the man you currently are when we leave your town and collect our companion!

Monty : [Flattening down his hair and retying his shirt buttons] Ahem. [To the party] Given that Agatha is the key here, perhaps we should submit her for searching?

Claude : [Gives another hollow laugh] I could snap her neck like a twig. [Bends over, with some considerable difficulty, and, after a lot of puffing and panting, picks up a twig, which he easily snaps] See?

Harvey : I see, sir, I see. [Scratches at a sideburn] I take it this is the only way in and out of the town? From a health and safety point of view, what would happen if this entrance was blocked?

Claude : Then there wouldn't be any way out.

Monty : [Now back to looking his normal dapper self] Surely there's some sort of ancient secret escape passage?

Claude : Of course. But that's a secret.

Harvey : Hmm, and indeed. [Quietly to Agatha] I say dear niece, you're not carrying anything, how shall I say, illegal, into this town, are you?

Agatha : [Blatantly affronted] No! Of course not!

Smock: [Exasperated] Well get a search then!

Patience: [Impatiently] Look, Princess, you're the one who wanted us to come here. Compliment him already and get it over with. Tell him you love the way he snaps twigs so effortlessly. Something. Or, if you can't bring yourself to lie for a good cause, just grab your ankles and let Bambi and Thumper get on with it, already!

Alice : [To Smock] Maybe [emphasis] we should search her?

Alice : [Rolls her eyes] Oh for God's sake! [To the others] Come on, let's search her!

Patience: [Shrugs] Okay, Blondie, I'm game. I'll check her pockets. You can do the other bits. C'mon Princess, this won't take but a minute. [Reaches for Ag's pockets.]

Harvey : [To Alice] Very well dear niece! [Turns to Agatha] Sorry dear niece, but this must be done! [Begins patting her arms]

Alice : Okay, but let's be gentle. [The party descend on AGATHA.]

Alice : [Gleefully upends Agatha's bag on the ground, turfing all her stuff out] Yeeeha! Ow. What's that? [Pokes a little pile with her foot, which is made up of Chicken's Feet, Toad stools, Eyes of Newt and other assorted witchcraft items] Gasp! Look at that! [Points out something] Black lipstick!

Agatha : [Furious] Unhand me you degenerates! [Tries to punch Alice in the face and kick Harvey in the groin]

Smock: [Brightly] I wanna go to! [Makes to help searching Agatha.]

Smock: [Gradually realising] Hey... It was you with the chicken feet wasn't it!

Patience: [Tries to restrain Agatha.] Kind of looks that way, doesn't it kid? So what's the deal, Princess? [Eyes Agatha sternly.] And don't try to tell me that you cart this crap around for your diet. Only Harvey is that weird.

Agatha : [Defending herself furiously, will headbutt Patience if she grapples her] Get your filthly hands off me traitors!

[AGATHA kicks out in all directions, but is eventually held down by a combination of PATIENCE, HARVEY, MONTY and ALICE.]

Alice : [With a big, muddy footprint of Agatha's on her cheek] Ow! Hold her down!

Claude : [Helpfully] If she leaves that stuff here, [menacingly] including the lipstick, [helpful again] she can come in.

Smock: [Collects all Agatha's contraban and puts it back in her purse.] I think you're the traitor! [Offers the purse to Bambi.]

Agatha : [Snatches her purse back from Smock, and slaps her] What the hell do you think you are doing, theif!

Smock: [Clutches her face] Ow! I'm trying to help you and your stupid curse, witch! [Tries to grab the purse back.]

[AGATHA is pulled back down, and held firmly this time.]

Alice : [Steps in front of Smock] Hold on, Smock. You can take her chicken feet, you can take her Toad stools and her Eyes of Newt, and you can even take her black lipstick, but you can not, I repeat not, take her Pravda handbag.

Smock: [Rolls her eyes] Fine. [Empties the purse again at Bambi's feet.] Now, do we have to drag her through by her hair or what?

Alice : [To Claude] Can she come in now?

Claude : Sure! [Bends down awkwardly and picks up the lipstick] Mm-mm! [Opens it off and bites a big chunk off]

Smock: [Grimaces, watching Claude as though she can taste the lipstick herself.] Eww.

Claude : [Holds the lipstick out] Aw, it's okay, you can have this back. [Gives a smile, showing off his now blackened teeth]

Monty : [Frowns at the lipstick] I doubt any of the ladies are now interested. Perhaps Mr. Scar would like to partake?

Patience: [Speaking through a split lip.] Now that that's all sorted, are you gonna behave yourself, Princess, or do we have to set Clint on you? It's up to you, but either way, we've wasted enough time here. [Starts on up the mountain again, keeping a firm grip on Agatha.]

Clint: [Shrugs and grabs the lipstick] Why not? [Turns to Monty and attempts to scribble on his face with the lipstick]

Clint: [Stunned] Monty! [Drops to the ground to check out Monty]

Monty : Unhand me, Mr. Scar! [Tries to block Clint, but stumbles over a rock and falls back, ending up with his eyes staring blankly and head hanging at an awkward angle due to an apparent broken neck.]

Clint: [Bellows] What?! You think that's funny? How about this?? [Attempts to scribble on Monty's notes with the damp, chewed-up lipstick] Funny, huh?!

Monty : [Sits upright, and notes something on his clipboard] I'm quite fine, Mr. Scar. However, let this be a lesson to you that even in horseplay, serious injury can occur.

Monty : Mr. Scar! Control yourself! Stop acting like a child! [Curls up in a ball to protect his notes]

Alice : [Tries to pull Clint off] Will you two stop? You're making us look stupid in front of the freaks!

Agatha : [To Smock, furiously] Witch! Witch! You've got a bloody cheek young lady, calling me a witch after all the spells you've been casting recently!

Claude : [Turns and looks at Smock, before turning back to Agatha] She didn't have any material components for black magic spells. [Narrows his eyes at Agatha] It's a pretty rotten thing to try and get one of your comrades in trouble, isn't it? [Big smile] You're gonna fit right in here!

Harvey : Well then, we'll be on our way! [To Agatha] By the saints, niece, that is some strength you have!

Claude : You folks take care now. [Ruffles Agatha's hair] And don't you go casting any dark spells! [Gives his annoyingly slow laugh again]

[Exit the party, into a cave.]

Claude : [To Bambi and Thumper] Wanna search me?

Bambi : Oh, God no.

[Book V, Act V, Scene VII. A Dark Cave. ALICE, AGATHA, HARVEY, MONTY, CLINT, SMOCK and PATIENCE are here.]

Alice : So, Aggie, what was all that about? Doin' a deal with the dark side? I know you claimed to be a lawyer, but we didn't believe you! [Looks around] Hey! Aren't we supposed to be in a town or something? This doesn't look like a town, unless it was rock town, where everyone lives in rocks, and sells rocks, and eats rocks, and all of them are called Rocky McRock. They also listen to music, but I can't remember what type they like.

[Enter TRINNY and TRANNY. TRINNY is a beautiful, if overthin woman wearing a nice dress and a kitten on her head, while TRANNY is quite possibly a man, who is also quite thin, but who's also wearing a nice dress and kitten on her head.]

Trinny : Behold, overweight and poorly dressed strangers, I am Trinny!

Trinny

Tranny

Agatha : [Still straightening herself out. To Trinny, laughing at her] Comming from an anorexic tramp like you that is remarkably unoffensive.

Harvey : [Quietly to the others] By the saints troop, they are so thin that if they turned sideways, we wouldn't see them! [Bows to Trinny] Hello my dear woman! I would ask about the possibility of a nearby diner, but I'm guessing that food is scarce, what?

Trinny : Oh no, it is you who look ridiculous, without any suggestion of feline presence. State your business in Phenterima.

Patience: [Eyes Trinny and Tranny.] You do know that you've got cats on your heads, right? [Indulgently] Well, whatever makes you happy, but you look ridiculous. [To Harvey] You know what they say, Pops: cat is the other white meat...

Clint: [Snorts incredulously at Trinny and Tranny] You crazy broads will do anything in the name of [annoying air quotes] fashion, won't ya? [Pulls a filthy string out of his pocket and dangles it temptingly at the kitten on Trinny's head] Heeeere kitty kitty!

Agatha : [Bursts out laughing at Trinny] You have to be one of the funniest jesters I have seen in years! [Slaps her thigh laughing raucously] Imagine walking around with a kitten on your head. [Giggling to Alice] I expect dead-pannery like this almost matches Peter's? [TRINNY's kitten gives CLINT a cold stare.]

Trinny : [Gives Agatha a cold stare] Imagine walking around looking like that.

Alice : [To Agatha] Peter? Peter Deadpan? Don't tell me you've heard of him too!

Agatha : [Stops laughing immediatley. Looks at Alice suprised] Of course I have, the man's humor is ledgendary.

Patience: I can see we'll all get along brilliantly. To answer your earlier question, Trin, we're here because we're looking for something. There a problem with that?

Agatha : [To Patience] Oh, let's just go, there's no point in reasoning with a street performer, she'll just reply with something absurdly deadpan. [Looks around sniffing a little] Can anyone else smell stale cat urine? What an awful smell!

Clint: [To Agatha] That's my new cologne! You don't like it?

Harvey : Well private, if by cologne, you mean that skunk you dried youself with this morning, then no, we don't, eh!

Clint: That wasn't a skunk! That was the bimbo's fur coat! It was right there in her bag, along with that teddy bear stuffed with porn and that fake bible that used to have a bunch of cheese in it!

Alice : [Glares at Clint] That bible isn't fake! And that stuff isn't porn, it's, uh, art pictures. Well, except for that one with the chains, that's porn, and maybe those ones with the - hey! What were you doing going through my stuff? [Suddenly does a double take on Trinny and Tranny] Hey! Where did they go?

[TRINNY and TRANNY turn sideways so that the party can see them again.]

Trinny : [To Patience] No, there is no problem with that - as long as you go through the purging process of course. It's a little like a baptism, except people are dressed better. [Lights up a cigarette, in a holder even longer than Agatha's]

Tranny : Darling, Trinny! You are just awful!

Smock: Are you guys friends with those beef-heads back there? [Points back the way the party has come.]

Trinny : Oh no, sweetie, they are our sworn enemies, and in dire need of the Purging Process. When we meet them, we are honour bound to reduce them to quivering wrecks.

Alice : How? By overpowering them with your natural body strength?

Trinny : No, darling, by making devastatingly witty and bitchy comments about their sense of style. By the way, very few people can pull off the trailer trash look, so although it is clearly your natural look, it is an accomplishment that you don't.

Alice : Uh, thanks?

Harvey : So my dears, what is this purging process you've mentioned?

Trinny : A simple process involving the liquid of life.

Alice : It's not pee, is it?

Trinny : Your perfume? I don't know, it could be.

Harvey : The liquid of life, that sounds like that nascency fluid stuff!

Monty : Possibly, Colonel, but recall that Nascency Fluid was the source of life, rather than a substance that was applied to living creatures. In that case it proved fatal. However, bear in mind that all accounts of Nascency Fluid are vague and sketchy, coming from what can, at best, be described as unreliable sources.

Alice : I thought we were one of the sources?

Monty : You are [emphasis] the source.

Harvey : [Glowers at Monty] Private Giles, are you saying that my niece is unreliable? I'll have you know that she has always been there for this troop! Always! She's always been there in a fight! Always been there for us! And I'll tell you this, I know who I'd prefer backing me up in a skirmish!

Monty : My apologies, Colonel. I fear you have misinterpreted me. It was not just Alice that I was referring to.

Clint: [Bellows] What?! You think that's funny? How about this?? [Attempts to scribble on Monty's notes with the damp, chewed-up lipstick] Funny, huh?!

Monty : [Sits upright, and notes something on his clipboard] I'm quite fine, Mr. Scar. However, let this be a lesson to you that even in horseplay, serious injury can occur.

Monty : Mr. Scar! Control yourself! Stop acting like a child! [Curls up in a ball to protect his notes]

Alice : [Tries to pull Clint off] Will you two stop? You're making us look stupid in front of the freaks!

Agatha : [To Smock, furiously] Witch! Witch! You've got a bloody cheek young lady, calling me a witch after all the spells you've been casting recently!

Claude : [Turns and looks at Smock, before turning back to Agatha] She didn't have any material components for black magic spells. [Narrows his eyes at Agatha] It's a pretty rotten thing to try and get one of your comrades in trouble, isn't it? [Big smile] You're gonna fit right in here!

Harvey : Well then, we'll be on our way! [To Agatha] By the saints, niece, that is some strength you have!

Claude : You folks take care now. [Ruffles Agatha's hair] And don't you go casting any dark spells! [Gives his annoyingly slow laugh again]

[Exit the party, into a cave.]

Claude : [To Bambi and Thumper] Wanna search me?

Bambi : Oh, God no.

[Book V, Act V, Scene VII. A Dark Cave. ALICE, AGATHA, HARVEY, MONTY, CLINT, SMOCK and PATIENCE are here.]

Alice : So, Aggie, what was all that about? Doin' a deal with the dark side? I know you claimed to be a lawyer, but we didn't believe you! [Looks around] Hey! Aren't we supposed to be in a town or something? This doesn't look like a town, unless it was rock town, where everyone lives in rocks, and sells rocks, and eats rocks, and all of them are called Rocky McRock. They also listen to music, but I can't remember what type they like.

[Enter TRINNY and TRANNY. TRINNY is a beautiful, if overthin woman wearing a nice dress and a kitten on her head, while TRANNY is quite possibly a man, who is also quite thin, but who's also wearing a nice dress and kitten on her head.]

Trinny : Behold, overweight and poorly dressed strangers, I am Trinny!

Trinny

Tranny

Agatha : [Still straightening herself out. To Trinny, laughing at her] Comming from an anorexic tramp like you that is remarkably unoffensive.

Harvey : [Quietly to the others] By the saints troop, they are so thin that if they turned sideways, we wouldn't see them! [Bows to Trinny] Hello my dear woman! I would ask about the possibility of a nearby diner, but I'm guessing that food is scarce, what?

Trinny : Oh no, it is you who look ridiculous, without any suggestion of feline presence. State your business in Phenterima.

Patience: [Eyes Trinny and Tranny.] You do know that you've got cats on your heads, right? [Indulgently] Well, whatever makes you happy, but you look ridiculous. [To Harvey] You know what they say, Pops: cat is the other white meat...

Clint: [Snorts incredulously at Trinny and Tranny] You crazy broads will do anything in the name of [annoying air quotes] fashion, won't ya? [Pulls a filthy string out of his pocket and dangles it temptingly at the kitten on Trinny's head] Heeeere kitty kitty!

Agatha : [Bursts out laughing at Trinny] You have to be one of the funniest jesters I have seen in years! [Slaps her thigh laughing raucously] Imagine walking around with a kitten on your head. [Giggling to Alice] I expect dead-pannery like this almost matches Peter's? [TRINNY's kitten gives CLINT a cold stare.]

Trinny : [Gives Agatha a cold stare] Imagine walking around looking like that.

Alice : [To Agatha] Peter? Peter Deadpan? Don't tell me you've heard of him too!

Agatha : [Stops laughing immediatley. Looks at Alice suprised] Of course I have, the man's humor is ledgendary.

Patience: I can see we'll all get along brilliantly. To answer your earlier question, Trin, we're here because we're looking for something. There a problem with that?

Agatha : [To Patience] Oh, let's just go, there's no point in reasoning with a street performer, she'll just reply with something absurdly deadpan. [Looks around sniffing a little] Can anyone else smell stale cat urine? What an awful smell!

Clint: [To Agatha] That's my new cologne! You don't like it?

Harvey : Well private, if by cologne, you mean that skunk you dried youself with this morning, then no, we don't, eh!

Clint: That wasn't a skunk! That was the bimbo's fur coat! It was right there in her bag, along with that teddy bear stuffed with porn and that fake bible that used to have a bunch of cheese in it!

Alice : [Glares at Clint] That bible isn't fake! And that stuff isn't porn, it's, uh, art pictures. Well, except for that one with the chains, that's porn, and maybe those ones with the - hey! What were you doing going through my stuff? [Suddenly does a double take on Trinny and Tranny] Hey! Where did they go?

[TRINNY and TRANNY turn sideways so that the party can see them again.]

Trinny : [To Patience] No, there is no problem with that - as long as you go through the purging process of course. It's a little like a baptism, except people are dressed better. [Lights up a cigarette, in a holder even longer than Agatha's]

Tranny : Darling, Trinny! You are just awful!

Smock: Are you guys friends with those beef-heads back there? [Points back the way the party has come.]

Trinny : Oh no, sweetie, they are our sworn enemies, and in dire need of the Purging Process. When we meet them, we are honour bound to reduce them to quivering wrecks.

Alice : How? By overpowering them with your natural body strength?

Trinny : No, darling, by making devastatingly witty and bitchy comments about their sense of style. By the way, very few people can pull off the trailer trash look, so although it is clearly your natural look, it is an accomplishment that you don't.

Alice : Uh, thanks?

Harvey : So my dears, what is this purging process you've mentioned?

Trinny : A simple process involving the liquid of life.

Alice : It's not pee, is it?

Trinny : Your perfume? I don't know, it could be.

Harvey : The liquid of life, that sounds like that nascency fluid stuff!

Monty : Possibly, Colonel, but recall that Nascency Fluid was the source of life, rather than a substance that was applied to living creatures. In that case it proved fatal. However, bear in mind that all accounts of Nascency Fluid are vague and sketchy, coming from what can, at best, be described as unreliable sources.

Alice : I thought we were one of the sources?

Monty : You are [emphasis] the source.

Harvey : [Glowers at Monty] Private Giles, are you saying that my niece is unreliable? I'll have you know that she has always been there for this troop! Always! She's always been there in a fight! Always been there for us! And I'll tell you this, I know who I'd prefer backing me up in a skirmish!

Monty : My apologies, Colonel. I fear you have misinterpreted me. It was not just Alice that I was referring to.

Smock: [To Trinny] So if it's not this Nancy Fluid stuff, then what are you talking about?

Patience: Yeah, right, whatever. [To Trinny and Tranny] Look, getting back to this purging nonsense... You couldn't be more explicit, could you? I mean, "a simple process involving the liquid of life" tells us jack. And there are a lot of simple processes involving liquids that you're never going to get me to do.

Agatha : [To Trinny] So have you had your 'liquid of life' removed?

Trinny : Three times a day!

Harvey : [Quietly to Alice] I'm beginning to think that your suggestion of pee wasn't too far wrong, dear niece!

Clint: Wait! I know what it is! [Looks at Trinny] You can remove my fluid of life anytime, baby! {Gives a subtle hip thurst for emphasis. Notices Smock watching. To Smock Oh, you didn't see that kid.

Patience: [To Clint] You are such a pig! But at least you're a pig who has volunteered for the procedure. Take him away, Trin, and... be thorough.

Clint: [Beams at Patience] Aw, thanks, buddy! [To Tranny] You drain Pat here [nods at Patience] of fluid, too. And be thorough. [Winks at Patience] This is gonna be great!

Trinny : I would be pleased to - open up, please. Quoting Conor Ryan :

Agatha : [To Clint and Patience] How do you know they're not some sort of vampyric demons who will drain your blood? Life fluid probably refers to blood. [Glances at Trinny] They do look as though they have been sucked dry.

Clint: [Disappointed] Oh. Yeah, I guess it could be that, too. [To Trinny] We're gonna pass after all, sweetcheeks. [To Agatha] Met a lot of vampyric demons in your line of work?

Agatha : [To Clint] I'm not a witch, nor have I ever been one. [Looks dissapointed] Those bits and pieces I had gathered were probably useless, but I have been investigating the curse for sometime and those items were apparently good protection from the blackmagic doovoo, or whatever it's called, that is the source of the curse. I expect they were useless, but I do like to be prepared incase of emergencies. [Looks at the rest of the group] I was hoping that you lot might know alot more about it than I do. Apparently not.

Trinny : Oh no, I assure you, it is nothing to do with blood, although, that said, darling, you could do with a bit of paling up, the ruddy cheeked look is so out this season, [glances at Agatha] as is the big red nose look. On 02/12/05, djob@staffmail.ed.ac.uk wrote:

Alice : [Rolls her eyes at Agatha] Well maybe if you actually bothered telling us what you know, we might be able to help! What's the big secret?

Agatha : [To Alice] Dear sister, if you didn't have the attention span of a cheesed-up goldfish, you might have remembered that I have already told you everything I know. There are no secrets, big or otherwise. [Tries to casually flick some cigarette ash onto Trinny, as if by accident]

Smock: [Irritated, to Trinny] Are you gonna tell us what this stupid ritual is, or are these guys going to have to pull some origami on your skinny butts?

Alice : [To Agatha] How about all the illegal contraband you had on you? [Dramatically] That was a secret, wasn't it?

[AGATHA's ashes float menacingly in the air.]

Trinny : [To Smock] What a dreadfully rude child. At least, if I understood a word you said, I'm sure that's what I would think.

[An ash hits TRINNY, almost knocking her down.]

Trinny : Ow!

Agatha : [Ignores Trinny, as if she did not hear her. To Alice] They are not considered illegal contraband anywhere else but here. I may be a lawyer, but I'm not psychic. [Tries to accidently flick some more ash onto Trinny without looking] I can hardly be expected to know the laws of every born-yesterday insane cult.

Alice : Speaking of born-yesterday insane cults -

Harvey : [Interrupting] Girls, please!

[The ash misses TRINNY, who has now regained her balance.]

Trinny : How dreadful! Wasn't that just dreadful, Tranny?

Tranny : Dreadful, Trinny.

Trinny : She needs extra purging, I fear.

Smock: [Scowls, saying clearly to Trinny] Get out of the way!

Trinny : [Looks at Smock for a moment, before calling out] Troops, engage!

[A group of women, at least sixty or seventy, all appear around the party.]

Monty : [Taken aback] Either they have some sort of teleportation device, or quite a lot of people turned sideways all at the same time!

Agatha : [Draws her sword, ready to fight] This should be easy.

Patience: [Rather surprised by this sudden turn of events.] Just how many of these freaks are there? I wonder... [Takes a deep breath and blows real hard.]

[PATIENCE blows hard, causing several of the women to stagger slightly, but also for at least another fifty or sixty to appear.]

Trinny : We may not be as fat as you, but sheer force of numbers will beat you down.

Agatha : [Takes a chop at Trinny with her sword] Then we'll take as many of you with us as possible!

Smock: [Suprised at the sudden turn out] Geeze! [Waves her hands and chants an incantation.]

Patience: [Startled.] Agatha, I'm no more interested in purging than you, but we don't need to kill anyone over it! [Prepares to defend herself anyway.] On 05/12/05, Tom Henderson wrote:

Alice : [Also startled] Oh for God's sake! [Draws her sword]

[AGATHA hits TRINNY with her sword, knocking her to the ground, although the women advance from all directions. When SMOCK finishes her incantation, what appears to be a tiny cyclone breaks out, sending many of the women flying. However, sheer force of numbers is giving them the advantage.]

Clint : [Punching one of the women, sending her flying into the pack] Oh great! What are we supposed to do now?

Monty : [Fanning away a few with his clipboard] I fear, Mr. Scar, that we must either surrender, or attempt to aggressively fight our way out.

Smock: [Drawing a dagger and defending herself whilst mentally directing the whirlwind.] They won't even tell us what they're going to do and I don't wanna get drained of nothing!

Agatha : [To Smock] Absolutley, being drained of life can hardly be a good thing. [Chops Trinny again]

Clint: [Continues punching women] And they're all broads! This just doesn't feel right. Dames are for cooking, cleaning, and lovin'!

Tranny : [To Agatha, as Trinny expires] You bitch! No one said anything about draining you of life. [Dramatically] Until now! [Pulls out her sword, but immediately bends over double, unable to lift it] Gah!

[The women continue to advance, even though the party are vigorously fighting them off, and are threatening to overpower, although apparently not injure the party.]

Alice : [Sneezing and knocking a few of them over] There are too many!

Patience: [Defends herself with a sawed-off pool cue.] Clint, look at these women. The last thing they are is broad! [If possible, she edges over to keep more of an eye on Smock.]

[Slowly the party are all pulled down, so that no one can move from the sheer amount of women involved.]

Alice : [Totally stuck] The worst part of this is the knowledge that Clint and Monty are probably enjoying it.

Monty : [Gives a wince of pain] Unfortunately not. Too many sharp elbows sticking into me.

Agatha : [To Tranny, strugling] You said that you were going to purge the liquid of life from us, psycho! If that's not fatal what the hell is it!

Smock: Fine, ya vampires! Take your fluid! But these guys are heroes and you're gonna get served some awful revenge after this! Maybe not now, maybe not soon, but one day!

Harvey : By the saints, troop, it's like being buried alive by a house of cards!

Tranny : [Slaps Agatha across the face, which has all the force of a limp leaf of lettuce] You are a liar. We will start with you. [Holds up her index finger] Open wide!

Harvey : [Attempts to shake a bunch of women off his shoulders and stand up] I say, you leave my niece alone!

Clint: [To Harvey, struggling to stay above the sea of anorexics] Don't worry, Harv! I've got a plan. [Clint farts mightily, repeatedly, and repulsively] Take that, Twiggy!

Tranny : [Who is closest to Clint] Ew! He's been eating meat - [with horror] and he's digested!

[A strange high pitched jingling sound can be heard, which is getting closer and closer. Several of the women start to turn and face the direction that it's coming from.]

Tranny : Oh no! [Goes deathly pale] Be strong, sisters! Us Phenterimines are only strong together!

Agatha : [Tries to bit Tranny's fingers/hand off] You said the 'purging process' involved the liquid of life, that's blood you dumb bitch!

Tranny : How awfully ignorant you are. [Sees the others getting up] No, wait!

[The party can now see that the sound is a jingle coming from an ice cream van, being driven by none other than IVAN.]

Ivan : [Driving past, either not seeing or ignoring the party] Free ice cream and chocolate! Get your free ice cream and chocolat - guaranteed calorie free!

Ivan Marsters ### Ivan is a (probable) Hierophantic Knight that helped out the party in the past. ### He last met the party in 4.5, although only Alice and Monty were there ### then.

Patience: [Tauntingly, to Tranny.] Mmm... Ice cream... You know you want it... What harm will just one do?

Harvey : [Licks his lips] Imagine! A large cone sprinkled with hundreds and thousands, and a large 99 wedged in the top, stretching all the way to the base of the cone!

Tranny : Well, I suppose... and if they're fat free. [Looks longingly after the ice cream carriage]

Clint: [Rushes over to the ice cream carriage waving a tattered, moldy bill] Hey! Stop here!!

[CLINT is trampled over by the women, who all charge after the carriage. When the dust settles, CLINT is fine, and the party see a man standing off to one side. This is JACK NAPIER, and he has a huge smile on his face.]

Jack : [Applauding] Excellent! Outstanding!

Jack Napier

Jack : You're daring escape, of course!

Harvey : [Looks carefully around and at all angles] By the saints, thank Phili for that icecream van, eh! [To Jack] And what, may I ask, is excellent? Outstanding?

Clint: [Puzzled] Which time?

Patience: [Grins broadly] It was a stroke of genius, wasn't it? [Looks more closely at Jack] So what's with all the makeup?

Clint: [Looks at Jack, dismayed. To Patience] Another fruit?! Dammit, where'd all the real men go?!

Patience: [Eyes Clint curiously.] I'd say you're all the "real man" we need, but... [Laughs] So is there something you want to share?

Smock: [Glances longingly at the ice cream cart. To Jack] So who are you and whatta [emphasis] you want from us?

Alice : Don't look so disappointed, Clint!

Jack : [To Patience] I just want to share in your moment of joy, at the fabulous and stylish manner with which you dealt with those Phenterimines. [Gives a big, and almost, but not quite, scary smile to Smock] Nothing my sweet, just to share my moment of joy, at the stylish and fabulous manner with which I dealt with those Phenterimines. The name's Hat, Jack Hat. [Hands over a card to Alice]

Alice : Jack Napier?

Jack : It's pronounced Hat. Hat by name and hat by nature, yep, that's me! Hey, wouldn't it be really funny if everyone wore their hats on their feet? And their shoes on their heads? It sure would, because most of us only have one head, and not everyone was two hats! [Roars out laughing] And what about the Penterimines and their cat hats? They

Clint: [Listens to Jack with a blank expression on his face. To Jack] Right, so we'll just help ourselves to the ice cream, then. [Nods at Smock] Whaddya want, kid?

Smock: [Suddenly excited at Clint's proposal.] Double-choc-wildberry-mint-chip-rainbow-fudge-delight!

Jack : [Bursts out laughing at this] If that doesn't just take the hat! Brilliant! [Emphasis] I want a double-choc-wildberry-mint-chip-rainbow-fudge-delight too!

Harvey : Well troop, we'd better be moving on before the ladies return! [Looks at the ice cream van] But not perhaps, before we gorge ourselves on treats! I'll have a sneaks feet flavoured cone! With some curried brussel sprouts sprinkles!

Jack : [Bent over double with laughter] Oh, that's too much! They want ice cream!

Smock: [To Clint] Well, are you gonna get icecream or what? [To Jack] So, Mr Hatty, do you live in this weird place too?

Agatha : [To Smock] Must you taunt the madman! [To the party] Lets get going. before some other bunch of lunatics try to search us or something.

Patience: I'm with Ag on this one. It's been real, Jack, but there are a lot of really messed up people around here, and the fewer of them we meet, the better.

Smock: [To Agatha] Shut up, witch! You've caused nothing but trouble, you can't tell me what to do!

Alice : And I'm with Smock on this one! [To Agatha] You could have got us all killed!

Jack : [Face drops] Then, you - you don't want to spend time with me, even though I helped save you from the purging process? Oh. Okay. I guess I'll just go and hang myself then.

Patience: No, Jack, it's not that. You seem like a nice guy, for a man wearing makeup. But I don't want to be here when those freaks come back to purge us again!

Smock: [Nodding in agreement with Alice and proceeding to snub Agatha. To Jack] Hey, Hat. Don't go yet. Maybe you can help us. We gotta find a jewel in a mountain called Pharamceutica. You seen one lying around?

Jack : [Head bowed, as he starts to slowly turn away] You're only just saying that. You hate me. And no wonder. What the hell kind of freak wears make up? And this stupid hat? And look, look! This flower? It isn't even real! How the hell is that supposed to make anyone happy? I'm a failure.

Smock: Failure at what? I thought you said you helped save us. I reckon that was pretty successful.

Jack : [Disconsolately munches on an apple] But I wanted to do more than help you. I wanted to make you smile.

Agatha : [Laughing at Smock. To Jack] Well thank you Mr. Hat for saving us, it was most kind of you. [Does a fake smile at Jack. To Smock] There, that good enough for you or are you going to have another tantrum?

Patience: [Looks at Agatha, a little irritated, then turns to Jack.] Look Jack, bud, you did your best. But do you see now why you didn't make us smile? Look what we have to put up with all the time!

Smock: [To Agatha] Bet you won a lot of ugly pageants with that twisted expression.

Agatha : [To Smock dryly] I understand why your parents threw you out.

Alice : And I don't understand why our parents didn't throw you out.

Agatha : [To Alice] Just because Smock is haveing a stroppy tantrum doesn't mean you have to join in!

Clint: [To Alice] Are you kidding?! She's smokin' hot! [Pauses awkwardly as he contemplates what he just said and abruptly gives Alice a bruising, stinky hug] I mean, don't cry, Bimbo! We're your family now!

Alice : Sorry, I thought it was you having a stroppy tantrum.

Jack : Can't we all just get along? Can't we all just smile and sing and dance? You gotta turn those frowns upside downs!

Alice : [Stoically accepts the hug, but doesn't reciprocate] I'm not sure what kind of family you came from Clint, but we're not like that.

Clint: [To Jack] So, freak, can you point us in the right direction or what?

Harvey : What private Scar is trying to say, sir, is can you tell us which direction the mountain is in? And possibly how far it is from here?

Patience: [To Clint] Great people-skills you've got there, jackass. [To Jack] Look, you want to make us smile? It's real easy. We just want to find the jewel, and if you can help us find it somehow, we'll all smile. And you won't even have to look like a freak to do it!

Clint: [To Patience, offended] What?! I got people-skills running out of my ass!

Alice : Oh, is that what that is?

Jack : The mountain? [Laughs again] You're in the mountain! Say, you folks are a-okay. You get four Jack's Hats! I'm afraid I can't help you out with that jewel though, what is it?

Agatha : [To Jack] What do you mean 'we're in the mountain' [Looks around]

Jack : This is the mountain, we're inside it.

Agatha : [Looks around] Aah, yes, of course.

Alice : So, Jack, were you involved with that ice cream carriage?

Jack : Sure was. Me and Ivan came up with the plan together. Yes sir.

Agatha : [To Jack] So do you know these caves at all? [Looks around. Sidles up to Jack, and whispers in his ear, flirtily] Are you a heirophantinc knight then or what?

Patience: [Disgustedly turns to Clint and Alice, speaking quietly.] Her taste can't be [emphasis] that bad, can it? Is it just that trampy women are a family tradition?

Clint: [Snorts] Jealous?!

Alice : [Nods at Patience] Yeah, they're all like that in her family. [Thinks for a moment] Well, except me, of course!

Jack : [To Agatha] A hiero what? [Bursts out laughing] Now, if that isn't the funniest thing I've ever heard! Me, a neropantic fight! [Roars with laughter again]

Harvey : Well then, what are you doing here in this cave with an ice cream van at hand to help rescue us?

Smock: [To Jack, with a disgusted glance at Agatha's flirting] Sorry about her. Someone left her cage open. [To the rest of the party] Should we get going before those skinny, cat-head freaks come back?

Agatha : [To Smock] You have alot to learn, such alot to learn. Yes, let's get a move on before some more mad people arrive. [Looks down into the cave]

Harvey : [Looks around wearily] Unless of course they are already here, just waiting to pounce! Or rather waft! Let us be on the off, then!

Patience: Harv, they're probably all gorging themselves silly on fat-free non-dairy ice cream. [Shudders] Still, I don't suppose it would hurt to get out of here. [Meanders a little deeper into the cave.]

Smock: [Following close behind Patience, to Jack] So do you know where Ivan's taking those cat-hatters?

Clint: [Sighs wistfully] What a job! Carting around goodies all day, having crazed broads chase you. . . . [To Patience] Dream job for you, too, right?

Agatha : [To Clint, carlessly] So you really fell for the cat-hat thing then?

Patience: I'm guessing it's the crazy ones who aren't fighting to get away from you at the time. [Shrugs]

Clint: [To Agatha, with a shrug] Nah, I just like crazy broads. They're usually more fun in the sack, know what I mean?

Clint: [With a flicker of realization in his eyes] What?! They weren't ALL crazy! [Thinks for a moment, looking nervous, then bursts out triumphantly] Dominque wasn't nuts! She was wild and kinky and hot!

Harvey : Honestly Private, must you enunciate your sordid romantic dealings to all and sundry? Honestly, there are more pressing matters!

Clint: [Mutters under his breath] Spoken like a man who hasn't gotten any in about a hundred years! [Whips out his sword and starts exploring the cave]

Jack : Gather ye 'round, and I'll tell you the hilarious tale of the daring ice cream carriage escape. I remember it like it happened yesterday.

Alice : It happened today!

Harvey : My niece is quite correct in this matter! It did happen today, only moments ago! And we were involved in it! [Shakes his head] Well troop, let us move on before the ladies return in a sugared frenzy!

Jack : [Doubled over in laughter as he thinks about his story] Well, no need to worry about that! [Irritatingly guffaws some more] They'll be so angry when they find out Ivan lied about the fat content, they'll all be heading straight to the Vomitorium for some purging.

Patience: [Smiles in spite of herself.] How classic! But we've really got things to do, Jack, so thanks again, but...

Jack : Oh no! You're not going to leave, are you? I still have a bunch of those apples that Ivan brought us, they're really, really, really nice!

Smock: Vomitorium? Now that's one place I don't want to accidently stumble upon... [To Jack] I'm sure the apples are great, but we don't have time to sit around eating right now. We gotta find this jewel.

Jack : No, they're [emphasis] really great! I don't know where you're going to find your jewel, because Pharmaceutica is more well known for its demons and monsters. Oh! [Bursts out laughing] I know! I have it! [Takes an age to say the next sentence, as it is constantly interrupted by him laughing] Maybe it refers to a demon? Like in the film, where you thought they were [pauses for breath] looking for a jewel from the river Pile, but it turned out to be a person? What was it called again?

Alice : [To the others] I think we should take his apples!

Smock: Okay, okay. [Puts out her hand for an apple.] Let's see how good they are.

Jack : [Holds out a bag of apples] Xanian best! Once you take one of these, you'll never look back.

Monty : [Holding his clipboard out to prevent Alice and Smock from gaining access to the apples] Perhaps we should be cautious. After all, we are in a place that we know little about, and have only [glances at Agatha] sketchy, vague and possibly incorrect information about.

Smock: They're just apples Monty. Look, I can check if they're poisoned, if you're going to be a prude.

Agatha : [To Monty] Well, what did you expect? An encyclopedic knowledge of demons that live in a mountain? [Takes an apple and examines it carefully, very suspicious]

Patience: Oh c'mon, Monty, don't be such a sissy! Live a little! So, kid, how 'bout them apples? [Grabs an apple, prepared to bit into it.]

Jack : Disgusting? Apples? [Roars laughing] Five Hats to you, my friend, five hats!

Monty : [To Agatha] No, not an encyclopedic knowledge, just some.

Harvey : [Looks at the apples] By the saints, how anyone could eat such a disgusting foodstuff is beyond me!

Clint: [Looks at the apples skeptically] It's woman's food! Haven't you got any meat? That we can eat with our bare hands??

Jack : Meat, eh? Maybe Ivan has some in the Ice Cream carriage?

Clint: [Impatiently] Never mind! [To the party] Let's get moving before this idiot can tell us the amazing tale of how I asked about meat or something. [Starts to head deeper into the cave]

Agatha : [Laughing at Monty] You're the one who's supposed to know all about demons, mr watcher, but obviously you know very little.

Harvey : [To Agatha] Now now my dear niece, time and place, what!

Smock: Vomitorium? Now that's one place I don't want to accidently stumble upon... [To Jack] I'm sure the apples are great, but we don't have time to sit around eating right now. We gotta find this jewel.

Jack : No, they're [emphasis] really great! I don't know where you're going to find your jewel, because Pharmaceutica is more well known for its demons and monsters. Oh! [Bursts out laughing] I know! I have it! [Takes an age to say the next sentence, as it is constantly interrupted by him laughing] Maybe it refers to a demon? Like in the film, where you thought they were [pauses for breath] looking for a jewel from the river Pile, but it turned out to be a person? What was it called again?

Alice : [To the others] I think we should take his apples!

Smock: Okay, okay. [Puts out her hand for an apple.] Let's see how good they are.

Jack : [Holds out a bag of apples] Xanian best! Once you take one of these, you'll never look back.

Monty : [Holding his clipboard out to prevent Alice and Smock from gaining access to the apples] Perhaps we should be cautious. After all, we are in a place that we know little about, and have only [glances at Agatha] sketchy, vague and possibly incorrect information about.

Smock: They're just apples Monty. Look, I can check if they're poisoned, if you're going to be a prude.

Agatha : [To Monty] Well, what did you expect? An encyclopedic knowledge of demons that live in a mountain? [Takes an apple and examines it carefully, very suspicious]

Patience: Oh c'mon, Monty, don't be such a sissy! Live a little! So, kid, how 'bout them apples? [Grabs an apple, prepared to bit into it.]

Jack : Disgusting? Apples? [Roars laughing] Five Hats to you, my friend, five hats!

Monty : [To Agatha] No, not an encyclopedic knowledge, just some.

Harvey : [Looks at the apples] By the saints, how anyone could eat such a disgusting foodstuff is beyond me!

Clint: [Looks at the apples skeptically] It's woman's food! Haven't you got any meat? That we can eat with our bare hands??

Jack : Meat, eh? Maybe Ivan has some in the Ice Cream carriage?

Clint: [Impatiently] Never mind! [To the party] Let's get moving before this idiot can tell us the amazing tale of how I asked about meat or something. [Starts to head deeper into the cave]

Agatha : [Laughing at Monty] You're the one who's supposed to know all about demons, mr watcher, but obviously you know very little.

Harvey : [To Agatha] Now now my dear niece, time and place, what!

Monty : Clearly less than you, Ms. Bassett-Short, as you seem to know quite a bit more about them than it might first appear. Furthermore, I believe you know more about the contents of Pharmeceutica than you have us believe.

Alice : Oh for God's sake! She's the one who's almost made it impossible for us to get in! Attacking the Vomitorians, refusing to just compliment that Claude guy, and remember, she is a prime suspect in that whole bus stopping incident! You know, I wonder if she even [emphasis] wants us to be here!

Monty : [Looks at his clipboard and makes a note] Hm, yes. I'm sure there's a rational explanation for that. [Looks Agatha up and down and makes another note] Then again, possibly not.

Clint: [To Agatha, annoyed] Well?! Do you know anything you're not telling us, Aggie?

Patience: Enough already! You people bicker [emphasis] way too much. [To Agatha] Stop antagonizing the useless geek, Princess! [To Monty] Stop antagonizing the stuck-up bitch, Tweed! [To Alice] Use your head, Blondie! Ag was the one who asked you to come, so of course she wants us to be here. [To Clint] Take a bath! Now, are we going to look for this jewel or not?

Clint: [Bellows at Patience] What makes you think you've got the right to bark orders at us?! You just got here, woman! [To the rest of the party] She's right, though. Shut up! Let's get moving! [To Patience] I had a bath already, though. That part you got wrong.

[Everyone exchanges incredulous looks.]

Smock : [Applauding Patience's words] Do me! Do me!

Jack : [Waits until most of the party have trudged away] I know where the jewel is.

Patience: [To Smock] Grow up, kid. [And to Clint] Yeah, sure. Coming? [Starts towards the far end of the cave.]

Clint: [Walks in front of Patience and starts leading her in the direction she was already going] I know you pretend like you're a man, but better let a real man take the lead, babe. [Whips out his sword for emphasis and winks at Patience]

Harvey : [Turns to Jack] And where, pray tell, do you think the jewel is?

Jack : Ah, I'm just kidding you, I don't even know what jewel you're talking about! [Laughs]

[In one smooth movement, everyone rolls their eyes and turns back.]

Jack : No! Wait! Don't you want to know why Ivan was here?

Clint: [Groans] Sure, why not. Buy you gotta tell us in less than twenty words, all right! [Puts his hands up in fists, preparing to count Jack's words one by one]

Harvey : Even more importantly, you've got to tell us in less than two pauses for laughter, and I incorporate titters, chortles, guffaws and silent mirth!

Clint: [Nods emphatically] Good call, Harv! [To Jack] Oh, and--AND no funny sound effects allowed either! Those'll count as words! Got it?!

Jack : [Stifles a snigger]

Alice : One!

[CLINT counts up, including the initial snigger. JACK also counts.]

Jack : [Slowly] He told me that you are part of a very important and secret organisation. [Pause, which is counted by Clint, before continuing really quickly] Or was that a really secrent and important organisation? I couldn't tell, because, [bursts out laughing] he was wearing this coat, [continues, inconsolable with laughter]

Alice : Hey! That was way more than twenty!

Patience: Right, that's it. [Pushes in front of Clint and deeper into the cave.] I'd let a "real man" take the lead, but there don't seem to be any here.

Agatha : [To Patience] I'm sure youd do the job better anyway. Let's get moving.

Jack : [Calling after the party] No! Please! Wait! I'll tell you!

Clint: [Groans] Sure, why not. Buy you gotta tell us in less than twenty words, all right! [Puts his hands up in fists, preparing to count Jack's words one by one]

Harvey : Even more importantly, you've got to tell us in less than two pauses for laughter, and I incorporate titters, chortles, guffaws and silent mirth!

Clint: [Nods emphatically] Good call, Harv! [To Jack] Oh, and--AND no funny sound effects allowed either! Those'll count as words! Got it?!

Jack : [Stifles a snigger]

Alice : One!

[CLINT counts up, including the initial snigger. JACK also counts.]

Jack : [Slowly] He told me that you are part of a very important and secret organisation. [Pause, which is counted by Clint, before continuing really quickly] Or was that a really secrent and important organisation? I couldn't tell, because, [bursts out laughing] he was wearing this coat, [continues, inconsolable with laughter]

Alice : Hey! That was way more than twenty!

Patience: Right, that's it. [Pushes in front of Clint and deeper into the cave.] I'd let a "real man" take the lead, but there don't seem to be any here.

Agatha : [To Patience] I'm sure youd do the job better anyway. Let's get moving.

Jack : [Calling after the party] No! Please! Wait! I'll tell you!

Harvey : Come on troop, let us leave this man to his gibbering and funmongering!

Smock: [Nodding emphatically] Yeah. He's just gonna keep on wasting our time. [Follows Harvey.]

Jack : No! Please!

[The party start heading away]

Alice : You know, it really might be worth knowing what Ivan was doing here.

Smock: [Rolls her eyes mightily] Sigh! Fine. [To Jack] Can you talk and walk?

Jack : [Siwth a big smile] Sure! Now, if you wanted me to walk and talk, now, that would be a different thing? [Bursts out laughing]

[MONTY hits JACK square in the face with his clipboard.]

Jack : Ow!

Monty : My apologies, but you were very, very annoying.

Jack : [Rubs his nose] Sorry. [Takes a bite of another apple] Look, all I know is that he's here because someone wants to meet with the demon.

Smock: An' that someone is probably the witch. [Jabs a thumb in Agatha's direction.] So do you know where he is? Or better yet, where his jewel is?

Harvey : Someone is here to meet with a demon? Do you know who, and which demon? And why, for that matter?

Agatha : [To Harvey] Good point, why would anyone want to meet a demon. [Looks at the party] Well? You guys have met a few haven't you?

Patience: [Shrugs] I dunno, Ag, there's lots of reasons someone might want to meet a demon. Ask it for money, power, that sort of thing. Or maybe they just want to exchange recipes. Could be anything, really.

Harvey : [To Agatha] Indeed we have dear niece, and let me tell you this, they're a thoroughly nasty bunch and no mistake!

Clint: [Nods and adds] Or revenge on a evil twisted bastard for stealing your woman!

Jack : That's all I know! I'm useless! I'm a waste! [Takes another bite of the apple] So, want me to come with you and show you where the demon is?

Monty : One might also wish to merge with a demon. I believe that it is quite the thing to do these days, at least, for greedy, idiotic amateurs.

Jack : Yeah, you want to watch for demons, they're really, really evil. You know what, why don't you just come and stay with me for a while, in Xanaxia, it's the third happiest place on earth.

Patience: [Hastily] No! No way, no how, no. Thanks, but no. [Pauses] I mean, we've got a job to do, so we really can't stay with you.

Jack : [Downcrest] Oh. That's okay. I need to go and look for Phil, anyway. Did you see him, by any chance? Phil Clean? He went on ahead to warn you. ### Phil Clean was, of course, the guy knocked down by the party

Patience: I hate to be the one to break it to you, but, umm... He, uhh... kind of had a close encouter with a bus.

Jack : Oh no! Oh no! [Looks at Patience, distressed] Oh no! This is awful! He, he got on a bus?

Patience: Umm.... well... it's more like the bus got on him.

Clint: [Gives Jack a sympathetic arm-punch] Well, there's good news and bad news. The bad news is, the bus flattened Phil.

Agatha : [To Jack] Yes, it was a little odd, Phil just ran out infront of the bus and it ran him over. It was quite awful.

Harvey : Afraid so, old boy! A terrible accident what!

Smock : We never even saw him! It couldn't be helped.

Monty : [Holds up a diagram of a plan of the accident, with arrows indicating the direction of both bus and Phil] Indeed, it was an unavoidable tragedy.

Alice : And [emphasis] I wasn't driving!

Jack : [Shocked] Oh no! What - what was the good news?

Clint: [Gives Jack an encouraging slap on the back] That it wasn't YOU, pal! Gotta look on the bright side, right? Now, what did poor old Flat Phil have to say to us? [As an afterthought] Phili rest his soul and all that.

Jack : [Roars crying, making a very annoying hoarse screeching sound] Poor Phil! [More screeching]

[JACK tries to say something, but it is completely unintelligible due to his sobbing.]

Alice : [Quietly to the party] Er, maybe we should just slope off?

Clint: [Nods and starts heading into the cave. To Patience, in a low voice] Come on, woman!

Agatha : [To Alice] He does seem rather distraught, perhaps we should let him mourn his friend. [Turns to leave] It's not as if he's told us anything useful yet anyway.

Patience: That's real sensitive of you, Princess. [Turns to follow Clint.]

Harvey : [Nods to the others] Indeed troop, let us leave the man to his grief!

Alice : [Speaking loudly to be heard over the sound of the screeching and wailing] Good idea, Harvey, we don't want to disturb him any more.

[Exit the party, leaving JACK there, bawling crying. A few moments later, enter ALICE.]

Alice : Er, sorry to interrupt, but do you mind if I take a few of these apples?

Jack : [Stops crying and gives her a smile] Sure! No problem.

Alice : Thanks. [Takes some apples and leaves]

Jack : Phil! [Bursts into tears again]

[Book V, Act V, Scene VIII. Deeper in the mountain. ALICE, AGATHA, HARVEY, MONTY, SMOCK, CLINT and PATIENCE are here, walking through a large passageway that seems to be lit from some unknown source. ALICE is carrying a bunch of apples and leaves.]

Monty : Now that we are a safe distance from the crying, perhaps we should consider our position? Do we have any idea where we're going? Or why Ivan was here?

Clint: [Confidently] No! [To Alice] What's with the leaves, Bimbo?

Patience: No, Monty, we don't know where we're going. And we don't know why Ivan was here. In fact, we're kind of wandering at random. Happy now?

Alice : I thought they might make nice Philimas presents for people.

Monty : No. I am extremely unhappy, because I do not believe that we are getting the full story from Ms. Basset-Short.

Alice : [Does a double take] Huh? Okay, okay, they're for rolling up cheeserattes!

Monty : The other Ms. Basset-Short

Agatha : [To Monty, sighing] Fine. I really don't care what you believe Mr Tweed. Stay unhappy, I don't care. [Sighs, lights up a cigarette] If you had cared to explain why you thought there was some great story I wasn't telling you then maybe I could help. [Blows a smoke ring] But you don't, you just accuse me, with no explanations of why you think there's more to tell.

Clint: [To Monty] She's got a point. What's bugging you? Well, other than having to wear those nerdy, itchy clothes all the damn time. And how getting frisked is probably the closest you'll ever get to actually getting lucky.

Monty : Ahem. There is the unresolved question of why your room exploded, why you claimed not to have seen the chicken feet when, given the collection of dark magic items you later had, they clearly were. I am not accusing you of anything, rather pointing out that one could easily wonder if there is some other purpose to you bringing us here.

Alice : Oh for God's sake! If anything, she doesn't want us here! I mean, come on, she's one of the prime suspects for stopping the bus, she almost got us stopped from getting in here when all she had to do was compliment Claude, and then nearly got us all killed by those crazy cat ladies!

Clint: [Confidently] No! [To Alice] What's with the leaves, Bimbo?

Patience: No, Monty, we don't know where we're going. And we don't know why Ivan was here. In fact, we're kind of wandering at random. Happy now?

Alice : I thought they might make nice Philimas presents for people.

Monty : No. I am extremely unhappy, because I do not believe that we are getting the full story from Ms. Basset-Short.

Alice : [Does a double take] Huh? Okay, okay, they're for rolling up cheeserattes!

Monty : The other Ms. Basset-Short

Agatha : [To Monty, sighing] Fine. I really don't care what you believe Mr Tweed. Stay unhappy, I don't care. [Sighs, lights up a cigarette] If you had cared to explain why you thought there was some great story I wasn't telling you then maybe I could help. [Blows a smoke ring] But you don't, you just accuse me, with no explanations of why you think there's more to tell.

Clint: [To Monty] She's got a point. What's bugging you? Well, other than having to wear those nerdy, itchy clothes all the damn time. And how getting frisked is probably the closest you'll ever get to actually getting lucky.

Monty : Ahem. There is the unresolved question of why your room exploded, why you claimed not to have seen the chicken feet when, given the collection of dark magic items you later had, they clearly were. I am not accusing you of anything, rather pointing out that one could easily wonder if there is some other purpose to you bringing us here.

Alice : Oh for God's sake! If anything, she doesn't want us here! I mean, come on, she's one of the prime suspects for stopping the bus, she almost got us stopped from getting in here when all she had to do was compliment Claude, and then nearly got us all killed by those crazy cat ladies!

Agatha : [To Monty] Like I said, I thought the chickens feet etcetera may offer us some protection from black magic. [Blows a smoke ring] As for the hotel room, I've no idea really. Perhaps I left a cigarette on something flamable, but I doubt it. The staff there were pretty weird, that mad maid did some odd thing with candles. She could have done it, accident or otherwise. [Flicks some ash to the ground] Anyway, I wasn't in the room when it happened, so I don't really know much about it.

Monty : Yes, quite. Of course, it doesn't explain why you denied that the chicken feet were yours.

Smock: She can't help it if she's stupid and can't remember the stuff she did, Monty.

Agatha : [To Monty] Well, firstly it was really weird how they came tofall out of my handbag in the first place, so I didn't think they were mine in the first instance, and secondly, on closer inspection when it was obvious that they were indeed mine, I hope to avoid having long, dull conversations about them, like this one. [Stubbs her cigarette out on the floor]

Monty : [Notes something down in his clipboard, before turning to Smock] That is what we need to consider, Miss Smock.

[Enter CHANNABEL WONG, a beautiful woman dressed in a nice suit.]

Channabel : Ah! Please, do not argue. [Gives a warm smile] There are so many things that you can do that are [gives what appears to be a shiver of pleasure] much more fun.

Channabel Wong

Smock: [To Channabel, clearly interested] Yeah? Like what?

Agatha : [Seething, to Smock, leaning in towards her] Just be thankful taht I'm not a witch, because if I had been I'd have eaten for that! [Fixes Smock with a stare for a moment, then turns and proceeds down the tunnel, sword ready]

Channabel : [Leans back slightly, but doesn't seem concerned, before giving a big smile] I would say anything!

Alice : [Rolls her eyes] Don't pay any attention, Smock, she was always an idiot. Although never quite this much of an idiot.

Smock: [Shrugs. To Alice] I'm not worried. I know which sister I'd rather spend the day with [beams at Alice.] But I think she should sue her brains for non-support. [To Channabel] So where'd you come from anyway?

Smock: [To Alice] I can't help it if Agatha's mind has gone walk-about!

Alice : [Dismayed at Smock] Hey!

Channabel : I'm a Cialiatian, it's very close - [breaks off and checks out each of the men in party] Hello boys.

Patience: Oh brother. [To Alice, quietly] Is this woman a relative of yours? Trampiness being a family tradition and all.

Smock: [To Channabel, stepping in between her and the menfolk] What's very close?

Channabel : [Breaking off from Clint with a huge popping sound] Cialiatia. [To Monty] Hi.

Monty : Yes. Ahem.

[CHANNABEL goes to kiss MONTY, but he prevents lip to lip contact by deftly putting his clipboard between their lips.]

Alice : [Not sure if she's been insulted or not] Brother? Of course she's not my brother!

Clint : [Does a sleazy finger gun at Channabel] Click-click! Hey baby.

[CHANNABEL gives CLINT a passionate and long lasting kiss.]

trampolining

Agatha : [Deadpan] This place just gets better all the time.

Channabel : I'm also interested in [points seductively at Harvey] this one. [Licks her lips]

Patience: [Grinning at Monty] C'mon, Monty, don't be rude to our hostess. It just isn't done, eh what? [Aside, to Agatha] Actually, Princess, I'd say it does. First we had those idiots with the muscles, who were a real pain in the ass [grimaces]. Then we had those skinny freaks, and they weren't as bad... And as long as these people are only interested in Clint and Monty, how much harm can they do you and me?

Smock: [Protectively] Leave Harvey alone! You can have Clint. He loves it.

Harvey : [Steps back defensively] Besides, I had some mustard and onion sandwiches this morning!

Channabel : Say, you guys aren't Xanaxians, are you? [Glances over at Patience and gives her a wink] Hey baby. ### Jack was a Xanaxian

Agatha : [To Channabel] No we're not Xanaxians. [Glances at Patience to see her reaction to the wink] We're looking for the 'jewel', that is alledgedly hidden in this mountain.

Channabel : Jewel? [Big smile] I think I might be able to help you out here.

Channabel : [Slowly drags her gaze away from Patience to Clint and gives him a wink] I got whatever you want.

Harvey : [A little flustered] At least she seems to be friendly, what!

Clint: [Big cheesy smile. Seductively] Oh, yeah? You gotta [finger quotes] jewel for me, baby?!

Agatha : [Mutters under her breath] Desperate more like [To Channabel] Well, would you be so kind as to show us where it is please? [Ponders Channabel] I'm sure that Mr. Scar will still be just as obliging afterwards.

Smock: [Seeming to miss, or ignore, most of the innuendo] Good! Then show us where it is!

Patience: [Icily] Harvey, can't you just call a tart, a tart? "Friendly," my butt. Which, it appears, she's interested in getting to know better. [To Channabel] Stick with Clint, sister.

Channabel : [To Agatha] Excellent! Which one is Mr. Scar?

Smock: [Points at Clint] That one!

Channabel : [Big smile] Good. Come on, big boy, oh, and you can take your uptight friend too, if you'd like.

Harvey : Indeed dear, the one you already, were, um, overly familiar with.

Agatha : [To Channabel] Well, let's go. I'm sure you can sort the boys out later.

Channabel : Aw! [To Agatha] So, what do you want with the Jewel? Feeling lonely? You know, if you weren't so aggressive, you might get some loving every so often.

Agatha : [To Channabel] I get plenty of loving when I want it thank you. I didn't come down here for that, but I'm sure Mr Scar and Tweedy here [Glances at Monty] will more than oblige you with all the loving you require. As for the jewel, we have some old family buisness to take care of.

Clint: [To Channabel, eagerly] So, ready to show me the Jewel, baby?

Channabel : [Takes out a hip flask] Why don't you have a drink? It'll help you loosen up and stop being such a bitch.

Patience: Don't mind if I do. [Shrugs] Not that I need to loosen up as bad as she does, but a drink is a drink!

Harvey : You seem to know a bit about this jewel we're looking for, my dear! Tell me this, is it a person?

Channabel : [Tosses the hip flask across to Patience] There y'go, knock yourself out. [Sidles up to Harvey, very, very close] Oh yes. [Goes to his left ear and whispers softly] A man. [Goes to his other ear, and licks it, whispering] I know him [pause] intimately.

Harvey : [Shudders involuntarily and steps away, clearing his throat] Well, I see. Um. Yes. [Clears his throat again] Is he far and can you bring us to see him?

Agatha : And is it a suitable place for children [Glances at Smock]

Channabel : [Gives Harvey a wicked smile, and steps right up to him, very quickly, and gently grabs his left earlobe in her teeth, not hurting him, but reasonably firm] Yes. [Pulls back slowly, eventually letting Harvey's earlobe snap back with a twang]

Alice : [To Patience] She's got style, you gotta give her that. [Looks at the bottle] Say, are you going to drink that?

Agatha : [To Channabel, sounding weary of Channabel's chitter. Sighs] Then is this minor [Gestures towards Smock] suitable for Cialiatia.

Channabel : The question is not "Is Cialiatia suitable for this child?", rather "Is this child suitable for Cialiatia?"

Smock : [Indignantly] I am not a child! I'm sixteen!

Patience: [Notices Channabel biting Harvey's ear, and discretely wipes the flask down. To Alice] Yeah, you do. And yes, I am. I was just wondering what kind of things I might catch from it. But... [Shrugs and takes a small sip before passing it along to Alice.]

Channabel : [Shrugs] As long as she's not as uptight as you, I guess so.

[PATIENCE takes a drink, and doesn't appear to have any immediate ill effects. ALICE, however, is prevented from taking a drink by MONTY.]

Monty : Ahem. Perhaps we should wait and see how it affects Miss Summers?

[Everyone turns and peers at PATIENCE.]

Agatha : [Wanders over to Patience, looking her straight in the eyes] Well, Do you feel at all strange? [Watches to see if Patience changes strangely]

Patience: [Smiles at Monty] Aww, Tweed, you're concerned about me? Don't be! I feel fine. But that's so sweet! [Pauses] Oh, and you're nice too, Blondie, Princess.

Alice : Stop crowding her! [Pushes passed Agatha, getting right up in Patience's face]

Agatha : Indeed, she's fine. [To Channabel] Could you take us to the jewel now please. [Wanders over to Channabel]

Alice : [Prods Patience in the chest] Well, she doesn't [emphasis] seem any different!

Clint: [Smirks and attempts to prod Patience in the chest as well] Hey, let me check!

Patience: [Looks at Alice strangely for a second, then glares at Clint.] Hey! Stop prodding me! Especially you, Clint! [Grabs Monty's non-prodding arm.] You wanna check, Tweed?

Channabel : Of course. Isn't anyone else going to have some?

Monty : [Pockets the bottle] I fear not. I shall keep this bottle with me to prevent anyone else from taking it. Just in case. My apologies, but no one else may have any.

Channabel : Mmmm, authoritarianny! [Takes out another few bottles] It'll make dealing with the Jewel much easier.

Harvey : [Removes a handkerchief from his pocket and begins drying his ear hair] Indeed dear, please take us onwards!

Agatha : [To Channabel] I take it that you have dealt with the jewel before?

Channabel : [Watching Monty looking aghast at Patience's grabbing] Sure, I give him a blow job every Tuesday.

Monty : [Startled, lets himself be guided by Patience and prods her using his whole hand] I beg your pardon?

Channabel : Oh, you'll love him! Now come on.

Clint: [To Channabel, all Clint-style charm, wiggling his eyebrows] Hot broad like her? I'll bet tons of guys have dealt with her jewel before! [Winks at Channabel]

Patience: [Smiles at Monty] That's better, Tweed. Be sure to be thorough. [Big emphasis as she stares into his eyes.] Really thorough. You want to be sure nothing's wrong with me, right? [Gives Monty a... Clintesque grin.]

Agatha : [Frowns momentarily at Patience. Flutters her eyelids at Monty. To Monty] I'm sure Mr. Giles is really not interested in your type, are you Mr. Giles [Gives Monty the look]

Patience: [Snapping at Agatha.] Who asked you, anyway? [Gives Monty another very warm look.] You aren't going to let that stuck-up hag tell you what to do, are you?

Monty : [Fans himself with his clipboard] Yes, quite. [Pulls his hand away] Let us follow Ms. Channabel.

Clint: [Gapes at Patience and Agatha, dismayed] What the hell?! You two are fighting over that guy? [Looks at Monty, confused] What is there, a prize for deflowering him or something?

Monty : Please! Mr. Scar! [Turns to Clint] I'm working. [Back to Patience and Agatha] Ladies, you are both uh, [loosens his tie] very beautiful, but there is only one woman for me, I'm afraid.

Alice : [Gets a bit embarrassed] Well, Monty, I'm sure that -

Monty : Mother. A simply extraordinary woman.

Clint: [Looks at Monty, disturbed and repulsed] No wonder you're so screwed up!

Patience: [Flutters her eyelashes at Monty.] Aww, you think I'm beautiful? [Her train of thought suddenly catches up to what he just said, and she eyes him with revulsion.] That's just disgusting, you freak! [Eyes Alice speculatively, then turns to Clint] So then, big guy, How you doin'?

Clint: [Eyes wide and gleaming. To Patience] Much better now that you're outta that whole chick-loving stage. [Big cheesy grin at Patience] So, if I said you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me??

Patience: [Rolls her eyes at Clint.] Don't try to be charming, big guy, you aren't equipped for it. [Latches on to Clint's arm like a limpet.] So, umm... [glances around at everyone and leans in to whisper something into Clint's ear.]

Alice : Oh my God. I think I preferred it when Monty was talking about his mother.

Monty : She's a very handsome woman. [Shows Alice a photograph]

Alice : Hey! That's you, wearing a dress and a wig!

Monty : I lost the one she gave me. [Pockets the photo]

Clint: [Listening to Patience whisper, beaming] You got it, babe! But where the hell are we going to find that much rope on such short notice?

Patience: [Looks at Channabel questioningly.] Help us out? Maybe you, Tweed? You look like the type who's always prepared... And hey, take a hit from the bottle. It's great stuff! You'll love it.

Smock: [Clearly disturbed by everyone's weird behaviour, gravitates toward Harvey and Alice who seem to still have some sense. To Channabel] What's in that flask?

Harvey : [To Channabel] My dear, if you would be so good as to take us to the jewel?

Channabel : Pure Pharmaceutica water! [To Harvey] Of course, baby, just as long as your friends are ready. [Gives Patience a wink] Not one me, I'm afraid, but back in Cialiatia. [Takes Harvey's arm] You know, you really should try it.

Smock: Not if he's going to turn out like you guys, he shouldn't! [Looking uncertain of which party member to attach herself to, now that Channabel has hold of Harvey.]

Channabel : [Gives Smock a wink] Don't worry, sweetie, someone's bound to spike your drink once we get to Cialiatia, then you'll change your tune. Now come on quick, Jewel is just down this way - and I bet he's got plenty of rope.

Harvey : Rope?

Agatha : [A bit put out at being second to Monty's mother] I know a good opticians you should visit when we get out of here. [Turns and follows Channabel, giving Clint a smouldering wink on the way. To Channabel] Enough rope for everyone?

Patience: [Sulkily, and still draped all over Clint] I can't believe you people are so unprepared! [To Channabel] You say that Jewel is close? Because otherwise, Clint and I are going to go... discuss the rope shorage and catch up with you later.

Clint : [Pinching Agatha's ass as she passes by, before turning back to Patience] Good idea, Babe! [In one swift movement, he pulls off the piece of string he uses as a belt] This could work too!

Channabel : He's just around the corner. Ah! There he is!

[CHANNABEL points out JEWEL ROBINSON, a disgusting looking man who has a bunch of beautiful women dressed in Playboy Bunny type outfits draped all over him.]

Jewel : Click-click!

Jewel Robinson

Alice : He's better than most of the guys she's been with.

Smock: [Incredulous, to Agatha] This is your Prince Charming?

Patience: [Licks her lips and lets go of Clint.] What do you people mean?! He's yummy! [To Clint] Sorry, big guy, but... [Sashays up to Jewel, making heavy eye contact and speaking kind of breathily.] I'm Patience, and I'm so happy to meet you.

Agatha : [Flirtly spoken to the Jewel] I have found you at last!

Jewel : Hey Babes! [Gives a huge burp] Grab some grapes and start peelin'. Bring your friends over too - especially that guy with the clipboard, he's a cutie.

Monty : [Speechless for a moment] I, I say! I say!

Smock: [Shudders. To Agatha] Can you just get your curse broken so we can get outta here?

Agatha : [To Jewel, siddling up to him, whispers in his ear] I was told that you could help me remove the curse that was put upon my family?

Jewel : Sure, baby! What's the curse? Loneliness? Lack of physical attraction?

Patience: [To Agatha, irritated] You and your stupid curse. You've got a one-track mind, you know that? [Whispering into Jewel's other ear, while nibbling on it.] So do I, you know... But you really don't want anything to do

with Tweed: He's hung up on his mother.

Clint: [Exasperated, bellows at Patience] Get back over here, woman!

Agatha : [Sighs, drawing back from Jewel] It appears that he know's nothing about the curse. [Looks most anoyed] I suppose that there is another 'jewel'. [To Monty] What's come over Patience and all of these women? [Gestures towards Jewel] That man is profoundly ugly, and he smells terrible.

Patience: [Gives Clint an incredulous look.] Why would I go over there when this delicious man is over here? [Returns to staring adoringly up at Jewel.]

Agatha : [Goes over to Jewel and walks around him, looking to see if he has or is wearing somekind of magical artefact. To Jewel] Why do all of these women find you so attractive?

Clint: [To Agatha] They gotta be plastered! You know how it is--you go to bed with a gorgeous goddess and wake up with seventy-year-old she-male in a tutu! [Adds quickly] Uh, that happened to a friend, not me.

Agatha : [Flirtily to Clint] After seeing you with Emily, Mr Scar, I doubt that very much. [Has a good nosey around the place] Well, something is not right here. [Frowns as all the women swooning over Jewel]

Channabel : [Stepping up close to Agatha, blocking her way] You'd better watch your mouth, you bitch - he's as attractive as anyone!

[JEWEL doesn't have any obvious magic items on him.]

Jewel : It's okay, Channie, she's new here, she doesn't understand. [To Agatha] Because we Cialiatians can see passed the surface. [Rubs his nose with the back of his sleeve] It's more about the depth of the soul and the passion of the individual, you see. [Blows some snot out of his left nostril by breathing down hard, holding his right nostril shut]

Monty : [Holds out the hip flask from Channabel] Perhaps you would like a drink?

Clint: [To Agatha, pointing at the flask] See! That crap's some kinda super-booze that gets you drunk right away! [Snatches the flask from Monty and sniffs it suspiciousl] Hmm!

Agatha : [To Monty] Why don't you have a drink Mr. Giles. Besides, I have already had breakfast. [Looks at Monty flitrily hungrily as she says breakfast]

Agatha : [To Monty] Have you encountered mind altering liquers before, I recall Alice and her chums getting really drunk on elf urine mixed with Louix XIV or something, how long does it take to wear off?

Patience: [To Jewel, enthusiastically] Let's you and I go explore the depth of the soul and the passion of the individual...

Alice : We so did not! It was pure Louis XV we drank! ### That's true - they never drank the elven urine one.

Monty : Indeed. Several of the party members have been under the influence of one particular mind altering liquor. It's called alcohol. I believe this gentleman knows nothing about a curse, and that we should leave immediately.

Jewel : [Has a disgusting coughing fit, before hacking up some black phlegm on the floor] You got it, Baby, come on over and snuggle up.

Patience: [Irritated] I'm not ready to leave yet, Tweed! I have some exploring to do! Can't you guys just wait! [Grabs Jewel and tries to drag him off behind some bushes.]

[Some of the women aggressively push PATIENCE away.]

Jewel : [Good naturedly] Please, please! What are we? Barbarians? [Picks a big piece of snot out of his nose and eats it] There's plenty of Jewel for everyone.

Agatha : [ To Patience] I think those other, ladies, were here first, but I don't see any queue for Mr. Scar, so why don't you come with us for now and you can comeback and play with Jewel when your turn comes round. [Moves further down the tunnel. To the party] Lets go.

Alice : Where? You told us this was the guy we wanted! Now what's going on?

Clint: [Attempts to slip an arm around Patience] C'mon, babe. Let's you and me duck into this tunnel for some loving. It won't take long!

Agatha : [To Alice, snappily] Don't be stupid Alice. I said I was looking for 'a jewel', this is obviously not the jewel I was looking for.

Alice : So your plan is to walk around aimlessly, insulting people, is it?

Patience: [Looks forlornly at Jewel.] Do we have to go? I suppose we can go a short way, as long as we're coming right back again... [Reluctantly lets herself be led over to the group, pouting the entire way.] I'll come back for you, babe! In, like, ten minutes or something!

Monty : I'm sure it's for the best. Although, perhaps you might be able to ask your delightful new friend if he knows where this other jewel is?

Agatha : [To Alice] I'm not insulting you. You are stupid, but I suppose you have forgoten that you were thrown out of boarding school.

Alice : But I was thrown out of boarding school for bad behaviour, [victoriously] not for being stupid.

Clint: [Snorts] What'd ya do, Bimbo? Or should I say, WHO?

Alice : Look, numbers don't matter, what matters is that we're stuck in the middle of a mountain with no idea where we're going!

Patience: [Obligingly, to Jewel] Hey babe, are there any other jewels around here? [Gives Jewel a sleazy and rather predatory grin.] The sooner we find it, the sooner I can come back. [Frowns again.] Stoopid quest! [To Alice] You and your bad behavior. Pah! Some people have no shame! *embarrassed cough re: the subject line.* Sorry. It's REALLY been one of those days.

Clint: [Trying to get Patience's attention back] Right, into the tunnel then? I've got some rope! [Holds up his belt with one hand, his pants with the other]

Agatha : [To Alice] And why don't you tell the others what your bad behaviour entailed.

Clint: [To Agatha, expectantly] Ooooh! You tell us, Aggie!

Patience: [Dejectedly] What does it matter?

Clint: [To Patience] Aw, don't be jealous, sweetcheeks. The bimbo's just a friend, I swear!

Harvey : Come now nieces, that is all by the by! What's past is past, I say! [To Jewel] So chappie, can you help my niece out of her curse?

Alice : She's not cursed, Harvey, she's just a bitch.

Jewel : That depends on what her curse is, but probably not. However, lack of ability to help her directly myself won't prevent me from attempting to direct you to someone who can, for what is a man if he cannot help his fellow men? [Picks a huge wad of wax out of his ear and flicks it against the wall]

Patience: [Adoringly] Isn't he great?

Harvey : [Watching the wax drip slowly down] An absolute treasure, what!

Alice : I should think that's obvious, Stinky! It's his - his uh - hm. Good question, Clint.

Clint: [Digging his finger deeply into his ear as he watches Patience swooning. Annoyed] What has he got that I don't have, woman?!

Alice : [Who's stand dangerously close to the spot it hit] I'll say - he killed two flies with that!

Patience: [To Clint, irked.] The Big General is not a personality, idiot.

Patience: [As if explaining to an exceptionally slow child.] He has a very large... personality, Clint.

Clint: [Outraged] What about the Big General?!

Harvey : [Throws his eyes to heaven before turning to Jewel] Well sir, who do you know who might be able to help us?

Jewel : Azzagus the Betrayer. He's the demon who runs things in this place - although he's pretty unhappy at the moment, as someone on the surface recently tried to join with a demon. ### This was one possible explanation given by Monty for Chastity's ### strange behaviour in the last act

Harvey : [Scratches at a sideburn] I see. [Looks at Monty] I wonder, private Giles, if he could mean the once good sister? [Turns back to Jewel] And where can this Azzagus the Betrayer be found?

Jewel : He's in the next cave over, but you'd better be careful, there are a lot of Ephedrinians there. They are a most disagreeable bunch, and I would be most distressed if anything happened to you or your friends. [Hacks up another chunk of black phlegm which lands on Channabel's arm]

Channabel : [Licks the phlegm up] Mm-mm!

Smock: [Eagerly] Lets go! This guy is gross! [Leads the way to the next cave.]

Harvey : Well said there, cadet, well said! [Looks at the others] Well troop, let us find this ill tempered demon!

Patience: [Unenthusiastically] If we have to. Wait up, kid! [Follows Smock, then pauses and turns to blow Jewel a kiss.]

Jewel : [Cheesily catches the kiss and puts it down the front of his pants] Click-click!

[Exit the party, in a hurry.]

[Book V, Act V, Scene IX. Deeper into the caves. ALICE, AGATHA, CLINT, HARVEY, SMOCK, MONTY and PATIENCE are here, trudging through the darkness.]

Monty : Interesting. It appears as though there has been a successful joining of a demon with someone - however, could it have been Chastity? When would she have had the opportunity?

Agatha : [To Monty] Did her eyes glow red or something, did anyone try to follow her and find out how she was?

Smock: My bet is that it was Agatha - she's cranky enough to be a demon.

Patience: [Thoughtfully] Even if Chas had the opportunity, would she have taken it? I mean, I never met her, but whether she was actually a nun or only pretending, it just doesn't seem like she'd be the type to join with a demon.

Clint: [Firmly] No way, no how. Not Chas. Impossible. Only old tweedy-pants would ever think such a thing. [To Patience, hopefully] How YOU doing, babe?

Patience: [Clearly lying] I'm okay, big guy. [Sighs heavily, then shakes her head and perks up.] And I'm glad to hear that you don't think Chastity could be the one joined with the demon. Though that just makes me curious who did it.

Clint: [To Patience] Uh, I meant, are we still on for the sex?! [Waves his rope belt fetchingly as he keeps his pants up with his other hand]

Monty : [Irritably] As I said earlier, demons don't neccessarily have red glowing eyes. I agree that it is unlikely that it was Chastity, or, indeed, any of us who were with her. [Looks from Patience to Agatha] Of course, there's nothing to say that someone here joined with a demon.

Smock: Put it away, Clint!

Patience: Yeah, what Smock said. I'm not sure that Jewel would approve, and I'm not taking the chance. [Sighs dreamily]

Clint: [Reties his rope belt with a heavy sigh] So, what now?

Harvey : Well, now we go and talk to that demon about the curse, private!

Clint: [Crankily] I vote we go, then.

Agatha : [To Harvey] Do you really think that's a good idea? [Takes a deep breath] It sounds practically suicidal to me, or worse [Shrugs]

Alice : Sheesh, Aggie! Was this whole thing just a waste of time so? Should we just leave?

Monty : Well. [Is interrupted by a ringing sound from further up the passageway, but continues] I feel that -

[MONTY is interrupted by more ringing from up the passage accompanied by much giggling. Enter CAMPION PEAKSTON and CORKY FORD, cycling on a tandem, with CORKY at the front and CAMPION at the back. They jam on the brakes as soon as they see the party, but can't stop in time to avoid hitting MONTY from behind and knocking him to the ground. CORKY is dressed as before, like a young girl, even though she is in her forties, while CAMPION is dressed normally, and is in his mid to late twenties.]

Corky : [Dismayed] Oh no!

Campion : [Peers around the side of Corky, with a big smile on his face] Ouch! That's gotta hurt - hey, we're sorry, but it looked like a bicycle rack from where we were! [Face lights up] Hey! It's those guys from cards!

Campion Peakston

Corky Ford ### The party met Campion and Corky back in 5.2, so everyone except ### Smock, Patience and Agatha have met them. The party found their ### constant perkiness annoying, but they did give helpful advice ### for the party's trip to Anaesthesia, and were friends of Peter's. ### When last seen, they were heading to Amnesia to pursue a ### music career.

A href=http://www.queens-view.com/Scripts/05.02.html#camp>Campion and Corky's first appearance (short)

Smock: Huh? [Looks to the rest of the party as she helps Monty to his feet.] Do you know these guys?

Monty : [Staggers up, leaning on Smock] Unfortunately.

Campion : Hey there Monts-ter! Get it? Monst-ter? See what I did there? I took your name and made it sound like it was really cool!

Corky : Oh, Camp! You're ever so clever! You're my number one hon!

Campion : Thanks Cor, you're my number one hon too!

Smock: [Quirks a brow] I see... [To Corky and Campion] What're you doin' down here? In a mountain...On a bike?

Harvey : [Sighs deeply] Any concerns over the demon suddenly pale into insignificance, what! [To Campion] So, what brings you here, then?

Agatha : [To Alice, flatly] You have such interesting friends. [To Campion, in a flirty voice] A pleasure to meet you, [emphasis] Champion [Chuckles] you have a cool name too!

Alice : Sheesh, Aggie! Was this whole thing just a waste of time so? Should we just leave?

Monty : Well. [Is interrupted by a ringing sound from further up the passageway, but continues] I feel that -

[MONTY is interrupted by more ringing from up the passage accompanied by much giggling. Enter CAMPION PEAKSTON and CORKY FORD, cycling on a tandem, with CORKY at the front and CAMPION at the back. They jam on the brakes as soon as they see the party, but can't stop in time to avoid hitting MONTY from behind and knocking him to the ground. CORKY is dressed as before, like a young girl, even though she is in her forties, while CAMPION is dressed normally, and is in his mid to late twenties.]

Corky : [Dismayed] Oh no!

Campion : [Peers around the side of Corky, with a big smile on his face] Ouch! That's gotta hurt - hey, we're sorry, but it looked like a bicycle rack from where we were! [Face lights up] Hey! It's those guys from cards!

Campion Peakston

Corky Ford ### The party met Campion and Corky back in 5.2, so everyone except ### Smock, Patience and Agatha have met them. The party found their ### constant perkiness annoying, but they did give helpful advice ### for the party's trip to Anaesthesia, and were friends of Peter's. ### When last seen, they were heading to Amnesia to pursue a ### music career.

A href=http://www.queens-view.com/Scripts/05.02.html#camp>Campion and Corky's first appearance (short)

Smock: Huh? [Looks to the rest of the party as she helps Monty to his feet.] Do you know these guys?

Monty : [Staggers up, leaning on Smock] Unfortunately.

Campion : Hey there Monts-ter! Get it? Monst-ter? See what I did there? I took your name and made it sound like it was really cool!

Corky : Oh, Camp! You're ever so clever! You're my number one hon!

Campion : Thanks Cor, you're my number one hon too!

Smock: [Quirks a brow] I see... [To Corky and Campion] What're you doin' down here? In a mountain...On a bike?

Harvey : [Sighs deeply] Any concerns over the demon suddenly pale into insignificance, what! [To Campion] So, what brings you here, then?

Agatha : [To Alice, flatly] You have such interesting friends. [To Campion, in a flirty voice] A pleasure to meet you, [emphasis] Champion [Chuckles] you have a cool name too!

Patience: [Gives Agatha an incredulous look, then turns to Clint.] Friends of yours, huh? You do realize that your bad taste in friends is surpassed only by Ag's bad taste in men, don't you?

Harvey : [To Patience] "Friends" is coming it a bit strong! Let us just say that we are known to them, and they to us.

Agatha : [To Patience] That's ripe comming from little Ms Desperate to bonk the stinky snotty Jewel.

Corky : [Nodding in agreement with Agatha] Yes, Campion is Champion!

Campion : No, you're the champion, Cor!

Corky : No, you are!

Agatha : [To Campion,, with a smiley wink] Hey Champ, so what are you guys doing down here?

Patience: [To Agatha] I'm sure I have no idea what you're talking about, Princess. [Colors very slightly.] Anyway, that's not important. What is important is that we find out where that demon is and get your curse lifted, remember?

Agatha : [To Patience] Okay, I suppose a demon should know about curses. [Sighs]

Alice : Oh for God's sake, Aggie! If you've got a better idea, let's hear it! [To Campion] You! Answer the question, why are you here? And the short version, please!

Campion : We came down to check out the Ephedrinians, they sounded like a super cool bunch, but [face drops a tiny a bit] they weren't quite what we hoped. [Perks up again] Even Corky's jokes didn't make them happy, and she's ever so good at telling jokes, tell them your joke about the duck, Cor! [To the party] She's just top at telling jokes!

Corky : [A tiny bit nervous, but glad to be asked] Well, there was this woman, and she walked into a bar.

Campion : [Roars with laughter] Tell them what she's carrying, Cor! Go on, tell them! [To the party] It's a duck! She's carrying a duck! Man, it's funny already!

Corky : So, she's carrying a duck. And there's a drunk man at the bar, and he says-

Campion : [Interrupting, putting on a drunken voice] What are you doing with that pig? [Laughs, and turns to watch Corky tell her story] Go on, Cor!

Corky : Er, yes, what are you doing with that pig? And the woman, she says "That's a duck", and [with building excitement] the man, right, he looks at her and says,

Campion : [Interrupting again] I was talking to the duck! [Bursts out laughing, clapping Corky on the back] That was brilliant, Cor! You're the best at telling jokes. [To the party] She's my -

Alice : [Testily interrupting] Yes, yes! We know, she's your number one hon

Patience: [Irritably] Yeah, that's great. You two are nu... [Suddenly stops and gives the pair a friendly smile.] Hey, listen, the Cialiatians are just a bit down the road, and they're very happy, friendly people, and they have the most amazingly delicious water and drinks. You should really go visit them!

Clint: [Snorts and gives Patience and ass-slap of approval] Right! Good idea. But before you two lovebirds get the hell outta here as soon as humanly possible, ever heard of some kinda mystical jewel around these parts?

Patience: [Jumps a little, startled, as Clint slaps her.] Oh! How charming! [Turns to Clint, angrily] Just what the hell do you think you're doing, anyway? Were you somehow convinced that you're my number one hon or something?

Clint: [Scowls and snaps at Patience] Hey, you were the one with your hand down my pants not ten minutes ago!

Alice : No, Clint, that was [emphasis] you with your hand down your pants!

Campion : Hey, nice idea, but we've met the Cialiatians, and, while they're super fun, they don't really go for monogamy, and I only want to be with my number one hon, because she's just terrif'. Not sure I can help you with your jewel, mates, but the one who's most likely to know about it is Azzagus, but he's in pretty awful form. Tell him, Cor!

Corky : He's in awful form.

Campion : Just awful!

Harvey : [Looks from one to the other] Hmm, yes, I now see what put him in that awful form! [Looks at his watchless wrist] By the saints, is that the time? We really must dash!

Clint: [Noticing his hand is currently down his own pants, whistles innocently as he removes it and says briskly] Good call. Lead the way, Harv!

Patience: [Nods at Alice] Took the words out of my mouth, Blondie. Anyway, we've got things to do, so... [Leads the way past Corky and Campy]

[Everyone walks passed CORKY and CAMPION, who look on in surprise. MONTY stops as he passes, and holds up his clipboard.]

Monty : Just for the record, what put him in such bad form?

Campion : The new demon that's come to Pharmeceutica - he's pretty pissed about it. And then there's that whole mixing drinks thing, he's not a fan, is he, Cor?

Corky : No, not a fan at all!

Clint: What's the deal with this new demon?! And what's he got against mixed drinks? He more into shots or something?

Patience: [Speculatively] A demon who likes shots and thinks mixed drinks are for sissies can't be all bad, you know. Don't you think, Clint?

Clint: [Nods in agreement] He sounds like a man's demon, all right. [To Corky and Campion] This demon got a big pair on him or what?

Harvey : [Looks dreamy for a moment] I'd love a big pear. Chopped in half and smothered in sugar topped cream.

Campion : Pears? Oh, check out Corky's pear! It's the juiciest pear you've ever seen!

[CORKY shyly shows HARVEY her pair. It is, quite possibly the juiciest looking pear anyone has ever seen.]

Campion : Tell them how you serve it, Corky!

Corky : Well, first I cut -

Campion : [Interrupting] First she cuts it in half, you see, and then she smothers it in cream - the genius of it is that she puts the sugar on a few minutes before serving it. Mm-mm. You're tops at cooking, Cor! Hey! I've got an idea! Why don't you give the Emperor your pear? ### The Emperor is Harvey's card from The Deck

Clint: [After briefly riding a roller coaster of confused emotions ranging from lust to hunger as he listens to Harvey, Corky and Campion talk] Hey, the Emperor wants you to feed all of us, don't ya Emp, old buddy?!

Harvey : [Gasps and eyes the pear greedily] I say madam, what a cracking pear, eh! A cracking pear!

Patience: [Firmly] Thank you for the tempting offer, but I think you should keep your pear. Only an idiot would take food from strangers, however nice they seem to be. [Glances obliquely at Clint and Harvey] And we really are in a terrible rush.

Agatha : [To Campion] Hey, Champ, did Azzagus the Betrayer mention the name of this newly arrived demon?

Smock: [To Patience] But I'm really hungry! We didn't even get to eat breakfast!

Harvey : Only an idiot would already have forgotten that these two people are not strangers, but are acquaintances. [Glances angrily at Patience]

[A brief but tense moment passes.]

Campion : Wow! What a lot of tension! See the tension, Cor?

Corky : I sure do, Camp!

Campion : Me and Corky never have tension like that, 'cos we're number one hons. [To Agatha] I'm afraid not, all he said was that he was really, really miffed.

Harvey : Well, I suppose he is a demon after all! Being miffed is part and parcel of the whole demonic persona, I'd imagine!

Campion : [Nods enthusiastically] Yes! Yes! We tried to cheer him up, even getting Corky to sing her special song.

Corky : [Singing, in an average to poor singing voice] I'd like to teach the world to sing, in perfect [hits the completely wrong note] harmony!

Campion : And he was even more miffed! Evil!

Harvey : [Quietly to Campion, looking around] I say fellow, if I were you two, I'd scarper quickly before the people living in a two mile radius come looking for whoever, or whatever smashed every piece of glass in the vicinity just now, what!

Campion : Huh? [Back to his normal perky demeanour] Nah, we're okay, we weren't anywhere near any glass. Anyway, remember how good Corky is at running? Show them, Cor, show them how good you are at running.

[CORKY starts running on the spot, kicking her knees up high and beaming lovingly at CAMPION.]

Campion : [To Harvey] See?

Smock: [With a bemused smile] Um. That's great. [To the party] Let's go see if we can cheer up this demon guy then.

Campion : [Manically] Best of luck with that, then! Cor, this poor kid hasn't had any breakfast!

Corky : [Stops running, but is panting heavily and very out of breath] No problem, Camp! [Rummages through her backpack and comes out with a bag of pears] Here you go!

Smock: [Brightly] Gee, thanks! You guys are all right! [Opens up the bag and takes out a pear to munch on.] Watch out for some real skinny women with cats on their heads. They aren't friendly at all. [To the party, in good spirits] Let's go!

Harvey : [Digs into the bag and munches happily on a pear] Very well, cadet, that's what I like to see! Enthusiasm for the job ahead! Let's be on the off!

Patience: Good call, Pops. We've got things to do, you know. [Nods a farewell at Corky and Campion]

Smock: [To Corky and Campion] See ya! [Leads the way, holding the back of pears possessively.]

Campion : Bye everyone! [Big smile] I know you're going to enjoy those pears, they've even been soaked in the Ephidrinian river.

Smock: [Looks down at the bite she has taken out of her pear, shrugs and continues on.]

Harvey : [Turns his back on the others and spits out the pear into his handkerchief] Damn and blast, what type of an idiot would accept food from a mere slight acquaintance! Curse my demanding taste buds, what!

Alice : [Eyes open wide, before turning to Patience] What was that you said about only stupid people taking food off strangers?

Patience: [Surprised] Wow, Pops, you've said two things in a row that I agree with! This can't continue. [To Alice] I believe it was that only stupid people take food off strangers, Alice. [Sighs] Jewel would never be that stupid, you know.

Harvey : [Loudly] Well, time and tide wait for no man! Or is that Norman? Not sure, don't really care, but what I do care about it that we can't just stand around dillydallying what, wasting the valuable hours minutes and seconds that good good Phili has sent us, eh! Come on! Come on! Come on! Let's go!

Smock: Yes, yes! Come on! [Runs off a way before turning around and coming right back to the party, bouncing energetically. Urges] Quickly, quickly! You gotta vanquish the curse or the demon or whatever you need to do to save the day, cuz you're heroes and that's what heroes do! [Runs off again, stops and waits impatiently for everyone to catch up with an eager smile on her face.]

Alice : [Slightly nervously] Uh, right, so it's, uh, [points down the cave] this way, right?

Campion : [Excitedly] It sure is!

Harvey : [Laughs loudly] Ha, that's the spirit young Smock! What a party member you are, what a genuine find! [Walks quickly over to Smock and swings around to the others] Well then my fine troop, what's a keeping you all tethered to the spot? Glue on your shoes? Nails through your feet? Let's go! Let's fly like a leaf before a hurricane!

Patience: Oh, hell. [Glances at Smock and Harvey in much the same way as one might glance at a puppy which has just peed on your Armani, then sighs and follows them.]

Smock: Aw, shucks Harvey! I'm just excited to be hanging out with you guys because you're famous and brilliant and skillful and famous and you're heroes that fight bad guys and this demon won't know what hit him or anything! [To the party] Hurry up guys!

Agatha : Azzagus expects a sacrifice.

Harvey : I'm sure he does! I'm sure he does indeed! What sort of self respecting demon wouldn't expect a sacrifice? Now however, I am a bit concerned that you knew this and decided to keep it to youself until this very minute when we're ready to leap into the beasties maw! Hmmm, concerned, but strangely elated at the thought of a good old scrap at the end of the tunnel! By the saints, we'll give him what for, eh!

Smock: What'cha talking about Aggie? A sacrifice? That doesn't sound good. But it also sounds like you know something about this demon, which is not good because that means you lied to us, and that's not very nice and since this is your curse we should just sacrifice you, I think. What do ya reckon? [Takes a breath] What'cha talkin' about?

Harvey : Of course we're not going to sacrifice my niece, cadet, out of the question and away from the loop! There'll be no sacrificing here today! [Bounds up to Campion and shakes his fist under Campions nose] None I tell you! [Bounds back again] If that demon wants someone to die, by the saints, he'll have to reckon with the Queens View brigade!

Clint: [Slaps Harvey on the back] That's the spirit, Harv! [To Agatha, in a low voice] So, what's it gotta be? Virgin? Blood? What?

Harvey : [Laughs loudly and claps his hands together] Virgin blood what? Well by the saints, if that's all he wants there'll be no problem at all finding some! I'm sure my dear niece would provide a tiny drop of blood if necessary! A teeny, tiny droplet of pure crimson to sate the beast, eh!

Monty : [Reeling from all the enthusiasm, before turning to Agatha] Sacrifice? Another piece of information you had but chose not to share with us?

Campion : [With a big smile, shaking his fist at Harvey, in a clear move of solidarity, not aggression] You said it, Emp! Stick it the man!

Smock: All right, yeah! We'll smash him up good cuz he can't just demand stuff like he's the best cuz he's not cuz you guys are! Woo! [Draws an imaginary sword and enthusiastically plays out a fight between the demon and party, circling around and inbetween party members, not seeming to make allowances for those in the way of her sword swipes.]

Harvey : [Dodging each cutting stroke] Ha ha, that's the spirit, the spirit indeed! [Does some simulated shadow boxing to Monty] Well then troop, gird your loins and loin your girds, we're away!

Clint: [Gapes at Harvey, incredulous] You think we're gonna get virgin blood from either of those bimbos?! [points at Agatha and Alice]

Harvey : [Stops boxing around Monty suddenly and swings around to Clint] Well, if we had to use yours private, we'd probably give the demon septacemia! [Laughs long and loud before stopping suddenly] We're still here? Why? Why aren't we further along the path? Come on! [Parries one of Smocks sword strokes]

Smock: You guys are so slow! [Starts pushing Clint toward the next cave.] You don't have to worry about sacrifices because you can kill the demon and then it won't matter because he's dead and he can't demand anything when he's dead and then the curse will be broken, right Aggie?

Agatha : [To Smock and the others] Sacrfice? What sacrifice? What the hell are you all talking about! [Looks incredulously at the party] with me please!

Smock: You just said, you did, that the demon wants a sacrifice, that he demands one, like you knew, like he told you, like you lied to us, but it doesn't matter because we're gonna smash him up. Are you feeling all right Aggie? :)

Harvey : [Looks incredulously at Smock pushing Clint] What, by the saints, leaving the field of battle mid strike, eh! [Drops his imaginary sword accidentally] Gah! [Begins looking for it on the ground for a moment] Confound it, lost forever! Right troop, let us stop this procrastinating and let us start our wayforwardmaking!

Agatha : [To Smock] Nonsense! I said nothing of the sort. That ephedrene soaked pear has addled your mind.

Smock: [To Harvey] Not leaving the field, no sir, nosiree! Just rallying the troops Colonel, gathering back up, calling the men to the front line, presenting a united front, whipping their butts into action! [To Agatha] Yes you did, yes you did, everyone heard it, didn't you [looks to the rest of the party] you said it, you said [immitating Agatha] 'Azzagus expects a sacrifice.' [Lapses back into her pantomime battle.]

Agatha : [To Smock] Just less of that behaviour young girl! I said nothing of the sort. [Turns to the others] Let's get going [Sees Harvey play fighting Smock, rolls her eyes] Sheesh!

Harvey : The cadets quite correct dear niece, correct is something the dear little chap is one hundred percent in! You said, not moments ago that the demon expects a sacrifice! A sacrifice the demon is expecting!

Agatha : [Laughs at Harvey] You too huh! Well I knew ephedrine made you hyperactive and caused perseverance, but auditory hallucintions! There was probably a little something else in those pears. Quite amusing though. Let's go meet this demon.

Harvey : Nonsense, little niece known it all! My hearing is as acute as a thing with exceptionally acute hearing, what! And my acute hearing heard you say that the demon expects a sacrifice! But whether he does or not, we should find out for ourselves, rather than standing here growing moss! Let us be rolling stones and away!

Alice : [Indignantly] I heard you say it too! What about you, Monty?

Monty : I believe I was the first one to question her on the matter?

[ALICE looks at him blankly.]

Monty : Yes.

Agatha : [To Alice] Did you put them up to this? Another one of your dumb pranks that no one finds funny?

Harvey : We're gathering moss people! Infact, I'm quite sure private Scar has already starting sprouting roots! [Runs over to Clint and makes sawing noises while miming sawing through wood]

Patience: [Rubs her aching temples.] Look, Ag, what are you trying to pull here? We all heard you. Have an apple or something. [Quietly, to Clint] Can we please cold-cock those two?

Clint: [Watching Harvey saw at him. To Patience, quietly] You grab the squirt, and I'll nab Harv. All right, on three--[loudly] THREE! [Attempts to pick Harvey up and carry him over his shoulder like a sack of potatoes]

Patience: [Tries to toss Smock over her shoulder as well. Aside, to Alice] Who knew he could count that high?

Agatha : [Snapily to Alice] Look, this is no time for one of your dumbass retarded jokes, okay! So you and your circus act friends can just stop it right now! [Takes a pear and an apple if she can, and munches at both of them] I bet there's nothing unusual about these either! [Swallows the lot is she can]

Harvey : [Attempts to struggle away from Clint, bellowing] Unhand me your fiend! Brigand! Treacherous cur! Oaf!

[CLINT grabs HARVEY, but is easily pushed away, while PATIENCE does swing SMOCK over her shoulder.]

Smock : Hey! Put me down! [Thumps Patience's back in typical captured heroine style]

Alice : Can we all just calm down a minute?

[AGATHA bites one of the pears.]

Monty : Ahem. This should be interesting.

Clint: [To Harvey] C'mon, Harv! You're not yourself. Those pears made you--fruity or something.

Patience: [To Smock, by way of explanation] See kid, your legs are so short that if we're going to get to the action fastest, you've got to be carried. Now stop struggling, dammit. I don't want to drop you. Kids these days.

Harvey : Stuff and nonsense you mad marauder! This is my finest shirt and I'll not have it ruined by your grubby mits!

Agatha : [Voraciously munches through the rest of the pear] See! Nothing at all wrong with the pears. Tastes just great, fine! Excellent! [Strides in the direction the party are going] Come on for Phili's sake, we have'nt got all day, we've got demons to quell [Thumps her fist into her palm] And some of this [Gets her sword out and does some jabbing] and this [Swipes around with her sword] And THIS! [Does some energetic chopping moves]

Clint: [Groans] Great. [To Patience] Well, what the hell. Maybe the demon will be repelled by excessive perkiness. Drop the kid, and let's go. [Whips out his sword and starts heading down the tunnel]

Patience: [Puts Smock down and follows Clint.] You have to admit, locking the demon in a room with Ag, Harv, and Smock would kill it pretty quickly. Except that it would be so inhumane!

Harvey : [Smooths his shirt and runs in front about fifteen paces, stopping occasionally and looking back to make sure the others are following]

Agatha : [Agatha, now wearing her running shoes is right behind Harvey] Come on uncle, get a move on, less of this slouching around! [Slaps Harvey on the back whilst running on the spot] We can do pressups when we get there.

Alice : [Sullenly walking behind the others smoking a cheeseratte] What sacrifice?

Agatha : [Running on the spot even faster than before. To Alice] Oh for Phili's sake, let it go! It wasn't funny then and it isn't funny now! [Drops and does 20 pressups]

Harvey : [Delightedly] Goodness me, dearest niece, you're absolutely brimming with energy! I'll race you in your pressups! [Drops and begins doing some creaky pressups. After three] Gah, it's the deep burn!

Agatha : [Gritting her teeth as she does faster pressups. To Harvey] Faster uncle! Push! Push! Squat thrusts next!

Harvey : [Puffing and panting and gasping] Four! Ha, you might have me in the pressups, but I'll claw my way back in the "pointless lifting of huge circular boulders of varying weights and sizes and the placing of each onto a platform" round! Five!

Patience: [Walks past the hyperactive pair and continues along the passage.] You two lazy freaks are wasting time! Jewel would never waste time like this, you know.

Agatha : [To Patience, snapily as she jumps to her feet] Well hurry up then! We're waiting on you, incase you had'nt noticed, slow coach! [Starts running on the spot again]

Alice : Of course we noticed - what with that awful smell of sweat and all! [To the relatively normal party members] You know, I nearly hope there is a sacrifice!

Harvey : [Gruntingly gets back on to his feet and stretches with various cracks and pops] Ah, what a workout! [Looks around] And now, onwards!

Alice : [Looks from the sweaty Agatha to the even sweatier Harvey] Better keep a tight grip on Smock, Patience!

[Just then, SMOCK wriggles free, and lands on the ground.]

Alice : Gah!

Smock: [Sticks out her tongue at Patience and runs away.] Geeze you guys are slow! Come on, come on! The demon will die of old age before we get there and then we won't get to smash him up and you won't get to add him to you list of conquests and maybe even the curse will stick around which will be more of a curse because it probably means that Agatha will stick around with us and that would be bad!! [Promptly begins to do some cartwheels down the tunnel.]

Clint: [Watching Smock, alarmed] Calm down, kid! [Rushes to catch up with Smock]

Smock: [Grins excitedly as Clint comes after her and starts to run away from him, treating it as a game of tag.] You won't catch me! I'm too quick for you! [Runs back to hide behind Monty.]

Clint: [Snorts] Ha! I could catch you with one leg tied behind my back!

Smock: Nuh uh! No you couldn't, I bet you couldn't, no way! [Sticks her underneath Monty's from behind, making it look like her arms are his. Mimics] Your size would be a significant disadvantage, Mr Scar. Ahem. [Reaches up to fiddle with Monty's glasses, grasping for them clumsily because she can't see.] Not to mention your predisposition to become distracted by anything that approximates a human female. Ahem. [Withdraws her arms and reverts to her normal voice.] Yeah, so there! I would get away from you easy!

Harvey : [To Clint] And sir, no doubt you would cheat in your boast, and it would not in fact be your own leg tied behind your back, but someones severed limb, what! [Begins moonwalking further along the passage]

Agatha : [Speed walking. To Smock] Why the hell would anyone want to catch you! Chase you away, quite possibly, but catch, naa [Shakes her head at the thought. To Monty] Come along now Mr. Giles, dragging you feet like that will just hold everyone else back.

Harvey : It's that damned unaerodynamic clipboard of his that holds him back dear niece! He should be shot of it and it's drag effects once and for all! Speed up there, private Giles!

Patience: [Nods her agreement.] Besides, ditching the clipboard might help him with women. [Follows the hyperactive trio resignedly.]

Smock: Yeah, totally! [Tries to snatch the clipboard off Monty] You need to get a girlfriend Monty, one who's not your mum, because that's [emphasis] really weird and unnatural, and I think you need a real girlfriend. Maybe we can find you one after we get rid of the demon because girls love all the heroes!

Agatha : [Speedwalking in circles for a moment whilst the others catch up, finishing off her apple] But not if those heroes still live with their mum.

Monty : [Sighs] So now you are unpleasant [emphasis] and aggressive. One hopes that the apples will soon start to take effect. However, it is remarkably stupid of you to eat the food here when it was clearly affect the others. [Enter BERT ALLENSTEIN, a harried looking professor type, around the corner from up ahead. He is very flustered looking, and is carrying an overfull briefcase with papers jammed in it.]

Bert : [Stops when he sees the party] Ah.

Bert Allenstein

Clint: [Keeping pace with the party. To Patience] You don't figure these idiots are going to burst into flames or anything, do ya?

Alice : [Squeezing in between Clint and Patience] I hope so!

Bert : [Does a "turn around" motion with his finger] You kids better turn right around. It's dangerous back there.

Smock: [Runs up to Bert, Monty's clipboard in hand.] Hello, hello! Nice to meet you mister! Boy you have a lot of paper there, is it important? Monty knows all about paper and records and writing and stuff, he could help you file it I'm sure. We're gonna try and find him a girlfriend one day. Have you got a girlfriend? [Starts scribbling pretend notes on the clipboard.] Have you seen a demon around here? He's supposed to be mighty cranky, but we're gonna take care of him because these guys are heroes, yessir they are!

Bert : Ephidrinians, eh?

Harvey : [Still moonwalking, cranes his neck around to look at Bert] Why sir, ha, there I have you! Were I to turn around, I'd be facing the direction the others are heading in, and I then would be still heading into danger! What a conundrum, eh!

Agatha : [Doing star jumps. Does a suprisingly apply burp. Looks suprised, then a huge smile spreads across her face. To Monty, chuckling with a huge smile] You're such a bore Tweedy old chap, [Giggles] Smockery here is quite correct, you *really* need a girlfriend. [Spys Bert's briefcase, and bursts out laughing] Oh my! Your briefcase is so full it looks like a pig that's eaten all of Tweedy's notes! [Bursts out in raucous laughter]

Bert : [To Harvey] Quite. [Looks at Agatha for a moment] Hm. [To the party in general] Is there someone here who's responsible?

Alice : [Sigh] That would be me.

[Everyone, including BERT, bursts out laughing at this.]

Alice : Hey!

Bert : [Chuckling, but getting back to normal] No, seriously.

Harvey : Why, there sir, I suppose I would have to say that, being the oldest and of a superior rank, I would be responsible for this group. Now, we are in rather a rush so be so good as to state your business or stop attempting to prevent our progress! There's a good chap! [Starts jogging on the spot]

Clint: [Cockily] Yeah, I'm in charge. Whaddya need?

Smock: Well, I would say no one, but then if you're asking who's responsible for us being here then it has to be Agatha [points at Agatha] because she's here to get rid of a curse and she made us come because she can't do anything herself even though she's lying because she knows more than what she says. But if you want someone who's going be all serious then you want to talk to Monty [points at Monty] because he's serious all the time, which it not necessarily a good thing.

Bert : [Completely ignores Harvey and addresses Clint] I don't need anything, but you need to get out of here, if you want to live.

Monty : [Snatches the clipboard back from Smock, inflicting a vicious paper cut as he does] Ahem. I am in charge. What is the nature of danger?

Bert : Mystical.

Harvey : [Begins touching his toes] Mystical schmistical! Our troop is ready for anything!

Patience: [Cockily] I've heard that before, but here I am. I mean, danger is my middle name!

Clint: [To Bert] So, what the hell is it, exactly?

Smock: [Angrily to Monty] You gave me a paper cut! [Holds her thumb up in his face] Look I'm bleeding! Bleeding! What are you gonna do about it? Are you even gonna say sorry? I think you're the unresponsible one, hurting people like that! [Proceeds to suck her thumb poutily.]

Agatha : [Laughs at Smocks pathetic cut] Oooh! Fight! Fight! [Cackles] I bet Smockery will beat Tweedy to a pulp before he can even say [Mimics Monty] Ahem! [Continues doing star jumps, whilst laughing hysterically at her own joke]

Smock: I wouldn't beat up Monty! We've got a demon to fight so I'm not going to waste my energy and it wouldn't be nice to beat up on someone who's in the same team as you and besides Monty is a hero and it's not right to beat up on a hero unless your a baddie and I'm not one of those, no sir, all of which is more than what I can say for you Aggie!

Clint: [Listening to Smock with a glazed expression. To Alice] Hand me that cheesearette, Bimbo.

Harvey : No, no and thrice, no! We'll have none of that cheeserette business here! It'll only slow us down, slow us down, man! [Jogs to Clint and grabs him by the shoulders] It'll slow us down, can't you see?

Clint: [To Harvey, annoyed] Uh huh. Get your hands off me, old man. [To Alice] Cheese me, woman.

Clint: [Watches Harvey in amazement] Damn, Harv! What else can you do now?! [Has a sudden thought. To Patience] Maybe we oughta eat a couple of pears and pick up where we left off, eh? [nudges Patience and wiggles his eyebrows at her fetchingly]

Harvey : [Does a martial arts back flip away from Clint, laughing]

Alice : [To Clint] If it's going to slow us down, don't you think the smart thing to do would be to give it to them? [Hands a cheeseratte over to Clint]

Bert : [Also addressing Clint] There's a fireball coming, that will kill all non-demonic life. [Frowns at the cheeseratte] Please don't smoke those filthy drugs.

Patience: [To Clint] You mean, we eat some pears, then you put one hand down your pants and one hand on my ass? Well, damn, that sounds just great! [Rolls her eyes.] Besides, the fireball might be kind of a problem.

Clint: [To Bert, blowing smoke at him in the process] Fireball, eh? How do you know? [Offers the cheesearette to Agatha] Here, babe. It's good for what ails ya!

Agatha : [To Alice, grinning from ear to ear] Still a filthy junkie huh! Daddy always did say you'd fallen in with the *wrong* crowd. [To Bert, laughing] A fireball! [Jogs over to Bert and does the pinch cheek wiggle thing] You're such a funny little man! My what a funny little nose you have [Guffaws] I looks like a fake 'Barx Mothers' nose! Does it make a honking sound? [Squeeze's Berts nose] Peeep! Peeep!

Bert : [Deftly sprays Agatha in the face with something] Unhand me!

[AGATHA staggers back.]

Bert : You can stay here if you want, but I'm leaving. [Starts heading away]

Smock : [Suddenly deflated] Right. If you're going to just hang around here, I'm gonna take a rest. [Sits down heavily]

Bert : [Nods at Patience] Yes! The fireball will be a problem! Anyone not within twenty feet of a demon will be incinerated. Now, if you don't mind, I'm going to be on my way.

Harvey : [Falls to the ground starting to do more pressups] Fine, fine, on your way! We've things to do and places to go, fireballs to avoid, that sort of thing! [Does another pressup and lowers himself slowly to the ground, lying flat]

Agatha : [Squeals in pain] Aaaaah! [Covers her face with her hands] I'm blind! [Giggles] Blind as a bat [Makes some anoying bat like squeaking noises] Ohh, that really hurt! [Sighs] God i'm tired. [Giggles] Tired and blind as a tired blind bat! [Pauses to take a deep drag from the cheesearette] Dam that hurt! That guy just had no sense of humor whatsoever. Personality bypass! [Goes into fits of giggles, tears straming from her blind eyes, takeing some more deep draws of cheese]

Alice : Hey! What did you do to her?

Bert : Protected myself - which I also advise you to do! [Runs off down the corridor]

Alice : [To the party] Come on! We have to get out of here! Harvey, get up!

Agatha : [To Alice] Awww, it a bit late now sis! You always were too slow! [Giggles] Slow! get it! [Sighs in fatigue] Let him sleep [Lies down on the floor, making a pillow with her hand bag] We're very very tired. Tired, sleepy, blind bunnies.

Harvey : [Muffled from the ground] No. Why should you be the only ones to lounge around taking your....zzzzz

Alice : Oh come on!

Patience : Okay, big guy, you and me get Harvey, Alice takes Aggie, and you, Tweed, grab Smock. [Looks distastefully at Harvey] God, he's so disgusting. I wish Jewel was here.

[Everyone but MONTY follows their instructions. He, however, blocks the way.]

Monty : I don't think so.

Harvey : [Snorts loudly, half asleep] Hmm? Yes mater, I'm up and dressed and ready for my first day of military school. [Climbs slowly to his feet, wiping his eyes and looks around] Eh?

Alice : [Astonished] Monty! What are you doing? If the crazy old stranger we never met before is telling the truth, we'll be killed.

[From further up the passageway, in the direction that the party were heading, comes a huge, thunderous sound, followed quickly by a massive fireball that will almost certainly engulf the party, as there is nowhere to to hide in the passageway.]

Monty : Possibly.

Harvey : [Looks around lazily and yawns massively] I say private Giles, are you risking all our lives with some notion that one of us here is a demon? And that if we stay within 20 feet of each other, we'll not be burned to crispy bits by the fireball? [Yawns again and shrugs] Well, if it means I don't have to move from here, top thought! .

Monty : Thank you, Colonel.

[ALICE, PATIENCE and CLINT all exchange shocked looks, and dive cover as the fireball engulfs the party.]

Clint : [Takes out a cigar] Might as well make the most of dying in firey hell. [Holds it up to light it]

[Book V, Act V, Scene X. The Caves. ALICE, AGATHA, CLINT, PATIENCE, MONTY, SMOCK and HARVEY are here, all completely unharmed. All but MONTY look quite surprised.]

Clint : [Happily puffing on his cigar] Sooo. Within twenty feet of a demon, eh?

Agatha : [Waking up slowly] Oh my god [Rubs her eyes] Those apples and pears were, without any doubt, full of drugs. [Takes a draw of the cheesearette, then looks at it suprised and hands it back to Alice accusingly] What the hell, dealer! Taking advantage of me like that. [Blinks a little, looking around] So the fireball missed us then?

Harvey : [Yawns again] By the saints, [claps Monty on the shoulder] Well done that man, keeping us all together like that! So, [looks around] who is the demon among us? Apart from those two perky demons who have forever ruined my love of pears!

Alice : [Doesn't take the cheeseratte] Ew! It's all Bad Agatha breath now, you can keep it!

Monty : Thank you, Colonel. [To Agatha] No, the fireball completely engulfed us. If what we were told is true, then it means that one of us is a demon.

Harvey : [Looks around the others] So, what you're saying private Giles, is that one amongst us is the person who joined with the demon, thereby angering this Ozzyagus chappie? Is that it? And if so, who? And how can we tell?

Monty : Azzagus. I suggest we try to determine who it is by a process of elimination. We have previously been told that there were suspicions of someone conducting a joining ceremony, timed to coincide with the scheduled stonings - when the unfortunate Mr. Sleaze met his untimely end. It seems reasonable that whoever conducted that ceremony may still have the black magic paraphenalia required.

Patience: [Stands up and dusts herself off.] That was cool! But now I really want to know which one of you people is the demon. Now who could that be? [Puts her hand to her chin in a classic "thinking" pose.] Might it, possibly, be the person who's been acting the weirdest?

Alice : [Stands beside Patience and adopts an almost identical thinking pose] Hm, a conundrum and no mistake, Detective Summers. A three pipe problem if ever there was one.

Monty : [With a smirk] Would you like an apple? [Serious again] What odd events?

Agatha : [To Patience] No, it's not Alice. [Sighs] In fact it's probably me. [To Monty] And before you go harping on about not telling you stuff, zip it! I didn't know either, I have just come to suspect that I may have a demon in me in some way, due to some recent, odd events.

Monty : Amongst other things, Colonel. Amongst other things. I'm sure all will be revealed now.

Harvey : [Stands beside Alice and adopts an almost identical thinking pose] Hmm indeed dear detective niece! A three steak problem I'm sure! [To Monty] And what sort of paraphenalia would that be, private Giles? The chicken foot, perhaps?

Harvey : [Mouth agape] Dear niece Agatha, surely you don't think you've combined with a demon? [Scratches at a sideburn] However, it would explain that whole sacrifice thing you said you did say!

Alice : No, Harvey, we said she did say she said she didn't say.

Agatha : [To Alice] Oh yes, and that. I have no personal recollection of ever saying that [Looks a little upset] So I'm not sure what else I might have done, without knowing it.

Alice : So you have no idea how the demon got inside you? Or when? [Thinks for a moment] It could explain why you were always such a bitch when we were young.

Agatha : [To Monty] Well, firstly my bedroom catching on fire or exploding was odd then chicken feet thing was weird, then how I couldn't bring myself to complement Claude so that he'd let us passed without searching us, something that I usually excel at. [Sighs] Then when I heard that another demon had entered Azzagus's domain, I suspected that the other demon may been hiding inside me to sneak into Pharmecutica. [Looks a little pale at this] I don't know why, but I think it might be called Dolorion.

Patience: So let's assume that Agatha is bonded to a demon. What now? Can we unbond her? She's kind of snotty, but I'd really hate to find out that we had to burn her at the stake, you know?

Alice : Wait, Dolorion? Don't we know that guy? ### The party met Dolorion in 4.1 when he joined with them to prevent ### another demon, Athlacca, from invading this dimension. He later ### helped the party in 4.7 in exchange for again attacking, but ### not killing Athlacca. He never made any secret about the fact ### that he's evil, and that he only helped the party in exchange ### for them helping him

Agatha : [To Alice] You know him! I might have known you had something to do with it [Sighs] Although it's a little more than I expected your 'wrong crowd' to include. [Raises a ponderous eyebrow] Quite impressive really. Is he a good friend of yours?

Patience: [Obviously impressed as well.] You guys know the most interesting people! I'll bet your parties are a blast!

Alice : Well, I'm confused - why would a demon join with you, Aggie?

Smock: [Rubs her eyes sleepily. To Agatha] Yeah, and did you really want to come here to break a curse or was that just the demon wanting to meet his buddy?

Harvey : [Scratches at a sideburn] Hmm, this Dolorion always seemed to have pitched battles against another demon called Athlacca. I wonder if Athlacca and Azzagus are the same demon?

Alice : Well, I'm confused. If it is Dolorion, he definitely doesn't want us to be here, I mean, look at all the stuff Aggie has done to stop us getting in.

Harvey : Hmm, true enough! Perhaps it's the other way around then? [To Agatha] Are you sure dear niece, that the demon is called Dolorion? Maybe it's Athlacca inside you?

Agatha : [To Alice] Dolorion must be trying to stop us from ending the curse, for some reason.

Monty : And what evidence do you have that Dolorion is inside you? [To Harvey and Alice] Do you agree that this could be the case? Has her behaviour changed much since you last saw her? Was she always this unpleasant?

Alice : [Shrugs] To be honest, Monts, if anything, she's nicer than before!

Harvey : Well, I've not seen too much of Agatha since she was a very young girl, so I cannot really say.

Agatha : [Shrugs] Proof? How the heck am I supposed to prove demonic possesion?Let alone the name of the demon!! [To Alice, spitefully] Thanks sweetie, love you muchly too.

Alice : [Makes a kissing motion at Agatha] Good to hear it, Aggie. [To the party] What now? Plough on towards Azzagus?

Agatha : [To Alice] I guess so, [Looks to see if anyone else has anyother suggestions] lets go.

Smock: [Shrugs] We got this far, so why not? Besides, he won't be able to take on you [yawns] heroes.

Patience : [Draws her sword] Let's go!

[The party head along the path, and soon hear someone approaching. This is DAVEY MARLEY, a rather unhealthy looking fellow.]

Davey : [Spots the party] Ah! There you are - you're the guys with the demon, right?

Davey Marley

Smock: [Screws up her nose] Ew. [To Davey] Maybe. What's it to ya?

Davey : [Sniffs] I work for Azzagus.

Smock: How lovely for you. Did you want something?

Harvey : Indeed, young cadet, a quite pertinent question! Well, what do you want, fellow?

Agatha : [Hands Davey a tissue] Let's get moving then. [Looks at Davey's weeping sores and moudly bits] Have you been like this for long?

Davey : Woah, woah, woah, woah! I want to bring you to Azzagus, unless you don't want to meet him, in which case I'll probably have to kill you. [Rubs his nose] Hey, does anyone have a tissue?

Clint: [To Agatha] Who cares?! You sell skin cream or something? [To Davey] Take us to Gassy-ass, freak!

Davey : [Pops the tissue in his mouth and starts chewing] Thanks. A few years - ever since I insulted Azzagus. Come on, it's this way. [Walks through a wall and disappears]

Harvey : [Looks at the others and shrugs and begins to follow] I hear that Azzagus is not in the best of moods at the moment.

Clint: [To Harvey] Well, sure. He's got some problems with his plumbing. It's all in the name. [Enunciating carefully] Gas-sy-ass-us. [Thoughtfully] Think maybe we better wear something to protect our noses?

Harvey : [Slowly] Private, I believe my sense of smell has been damaged beyond repair in the last few months...[mutters] thankfully.

Agatha : [To Davey] You don't happen to know what Azzagau's weakness is, by any chance?

Patience: Chili, perhaps?

Harvey : [Eyes light up] Perhaps he doesn't like pears? We still have a bag full!

Agatha : [To Harvey] Not liking pears is hardly a weakness. [Sarcastically] What were you planning on? Scaring him to death with pears?

Alice : Maybe we could point your sneery face at him? That's bound to scare him!

[Bonk. HARVEY walks into the wall, with everyone else colliding with him.]

Alice : Hey!

Clint: [Snorts] How about making him some girly mixed drink and serving it to him in a pear?! That'll really freak him out, right?

Harvey : Ow! Back up there, troop! It would seem that our progress is blocked again! [Turns to the others] And when I mentioned the pears, I rather thought that perhaps the ones we have might effect the demon in some strange way!

Davey : [Reappearing through the wall] Hey! What's the hold up?

Patience: [Irritably] There's a wall in the way, idiot. I swear, you make Clint look bright.

Harvey : [Jumps back in surprise] By the saints, what do you mean by whats the hold up, eh? There's a massive wall blocking the path!

Harvey : Ow! Back up there, troop! It would seem that our progress is blocked again! [Turns to the others] And when I mentioned the pears, I rather thought that perhaps the ones we have might effect the demon in some strange way!

Davey : [Reappearing through the wall] Hey! What's the hold up?

Patience: [Irritably] There's a wall in the way, idiot. I swear, you make Clint look bright.

Harvey : [Jumps back in surprise] By the saints, what do you mean by whats the hold up, eh? There's a massive wall blocking the path!

Davey : Chill out, gramps. I thought you were demons?

Alice : What? Are we just going to be left here?

[AGATHA bangs into the wall, although not quite as hard as HARVEY did.]

Alice : Apparently not!

Agatha : [Tries to go through the wall] I think that's just me.

Agatha : [Looks suspiciously from Monty to Smock] Then who is the demon?

Monty : It certainly isn't me. [To Davey] Are you suggesting that being able to walk through a wall is a test of demonness?

Davey : [Shrugs] It can be. You guys really ought to chill out, you know? Full demons can usually pass through solid objects in Pharmeceutica.

Smock: [Frowns at Agatha] It ain't me! No sir! I woulda known!

Clint: [Shrugs and walks toward the wall] I've never been tested, so who knows?!

Agatha : [Gestures towards the wall. To Patience] Care to try? [Looks at Davey] I guess I'm not a full demon then. Figures.

Harvey : [To Agatha] Perhaps as you are only half demon, only half of you can pass through the wall? Not a whole lot of good, though, is it! [To Davey] Is there another way around?

Agatha : [To Smock] Perhaps he's paranoid.

Smock: [To Davey] How come this wall is here anyway? How come only demons can see Azzagus?

Clint: [To Agatha, about to walk into/through the wall] Maybe demons are gassy, too?

Smock: [To Agatha] I suppose. Especially if your demon let him know you were coming.

[CLINT and PATIENCE each try the wall test in turn, and neither goes through.]

Alice : So what does this mean? Can someone be a half demon?

Davey : [Lighting up a huge cheeseratte] Nope. It typically means someone tried to summon a demon to join with them and messed it up. You get that kind of thing a lot these days, amateurs making fools of themselves. You know the sort, housewife bookclubs, teenage goths, they're always trying this stuff. Usually it kills them, which is quite fun.

Clint: [Nods impatiently] Yeah, hilarious. So, you gonna lead us or what?

Davey : I sure am, Winston. [Heads through the wall again]

[Everyone just rolls their eyes and tuts in irritation, and DAVEY returns after an irritatingly long period of time, roaring laughing.]

Davey : Oh man! You should see your faces! Whoo! Hilarious! Come on, this way. [Starts heading along the passageway] So, how come you folks want to see Azzugas?

Harvey : [Face darkens at the mention of teenage goths] By the saints, the little pouty eye makeup wearing, scallywags! [To Davey] So, someone here must be part demon, considering we survived the fireball, eh!

Smock: Aggie here wants to get rid of a curse.

Clint: [Offended] What's so funny about that?! Don't we look cursed?

Davey : A curse? [Laughs and looks over the rest of the party] Oh-kay!

Davey : Uh, sure you do!

Harvey : Well why do most people go to see Azzagus?

Agatha : Clint and Alice woke up naked together in Mermantort.

Agatha : [To Davey] I'm here to do some trade with Azzagus.

Clint: [Excited] Hey, I've got a bunch of rolos to trade! [To Patience, wisely] Demons love rolos.

Davey : To trade, of course! It's always great fun.

Clint: [To Agatha] Hey! What the hell are you talking about?!

Clint: [To Alice, defensively] Nothing! I never told anyone! [Hesitates and adds] Uuuh, I mean, nothing ever happened so how [huge emphasis] could I have told anyone anything, right?

Alice : [Does a double take on Agatha] What? Who told you that? [Turns angrily to Clint] What the hell have you been saying?

Patience : [To Monty] I'd like to read that chapter of your watcher book, Tweed.

Monty : As would I. This is the first I have heard of it. If, indeed, it is true.

Agatha : [Very suprised at Clint and Alice's reactions] Errm, trade, you know, selling and buying stuff?

Alice : [Noticing everyone looking at her] Uh... [extremely unconvincing] that's right!

Clint: [Nods and adds firmly] Right! It was a completely different bimbo! [Gives Alice an Arm-punch of Platonic Friendship]

Alice : [To Agatha] Not that! The naked thing! [Turns to Clint] Ow!

Harvey : [To Agatha] Well, you must have heard that from somewhere dear niece! About dear Alice and [shudders] private Scar waking up together!

Clint: Yeah! Who told you that awful [wink at Alice] lie?

Monty : So it isn't true?

Alice : [Again unconvincing] No! It's a vicious lie!

Monty : [Notes something on his clipboard] I'm sure we're all glad to hear that.

Clint: Wait a minute! [Looks at Agatha closely] Lawyer? You in there?!

Harvey : [To Clint] By the saints, private, you think that my niece Agatha has been semi-posessed by the ghost of private Sleaze? No more cheese for you, by Gads!

Clint: [Excited] It all fits! [Ticks off points on his fingers] She's a lawyer, which no chick that hot would ever be. She knows crap that only we know. She's real girly and prissy, and she's attracted to men. [Holds up four fingers triumphantly] There ya go!

Alice : [Does a triple take on Clint] What? [Peers at Agatha] How could that have happened?

Alice : Plus, she's tried to stop us getting into Pharmeceutica, by stopping the automobusomobile, by arguing with Claude, and by starting a fight with those crazy cat ladies! [Thinks for a moment] Hm. What does that mean, though?

Clint: [To Agatha] Why don't you tell us, Lawyer-Demon?!

Alice : [Nods] Good idea! What exactly were you doing when the room exploded? [To the others] You know, that would have happened around the same time poor old Aussie was killed!

Harvey : By the saints, you mean what private Scar said might hold some modicum of truth? [Peers closely at Agatha] I say private Sleaze, are you in there?

Clint: [To Monty] Move over, egghead. There's a new brain in town. [Makes to tap his forehead proudly but accidentally pokes his eye instead] Dammit!

Monty : [Looks Clint up and down, before writing something on his clipboard] Quite.

Agatha : [Cool, turns to Alice] What the hell are you all jabbering about? Naked? What was naked? I mention cutting a deal or two with a demon and next you're trying to persuade people that you haven't had sex with Mr. Scar and that I'm possesed, not but a demon, but by your recently deceased colleague's spirit [Does a duh! face at Alice] You're not making any sense there sis!

Clint: [Holds up four fingers] Hey! I'm the one who proved it! C'mon outta hiding, Lawyer!

Agatha : [To Clint] Firstly, Mr. Sleaze was not a demon, but we have already establinshed that I have been possesed by one. Probably. Secondly, why would the spirit of Mr Sleaze hide from me? [Shakes her head] He was far too polite and gentlemanly, and, well frankly, gullable, to do such a thing.

Clint: [Stubbornly] How do YOU know the lawyer wasn't a demon?! He was a real pain in the ass, you know. And he's hiding from you because he's fruity and broads scare the hell out of him. [Looks closely at Agatha then abruptly calls out] I always thought Maplin looked flabby!

Agatha : [Laughs, plesantly] I'm absolutley certain that Mr Sleaze was not scared of women, from what I heard down the grapevine, he was quite the ladies man. [Ponders] I expect he has several illigitimate children. [Blinks at Clint's shouting] Perhaps you need to lie down for a while, somewhere quiet and shady. You appear to be a litttle mad.

Smock: You guys are crazy! She can't be Austin! He was heaps nicer and not so cranky, and he had better clothes.

Clint: [Annoyed] What do you know, kid?! We knew him a lot longer than you did.

Smock: [To Clint] So what?!

Clint: [Snorts] So, uh, I'm older than you! You gotta respect me, twerp!! [Bites his thumb at Smock]

Smock: Nuh uh! [Makes a face and pokes her tongue at Clint] Maybe if you did something good, I would.

Monty : Ahem. Assuming the theory that it is the late Mr. Sleaze who is inhabiting her, it still doesn't explain how he got in there, nor why he wishes to prevent us from getting to Azzugas.

Alice : Hey! Austin had a bony finger!

[Everyone gives ALICE a puzzled look.]

Alice : Remember! From when he stuck it into the Heart? It went all bony? That was kind of demony, wasn't it? It had sort [lots of vague handwaving] magic powers and stuff.

Smock: Maybe it's something to do with that business with magic orbs and Darius and stuff.

Harvey : Quite possible, quite possible indeed, troop! [To Davey] Could you ask Azzagus to meet us here?

Smock: But wouldn't Austin be an angel instead of a demon, cuz in his reading he got the sun card at the end?

Davey : Chill out, gramps. I thought you were demons?

Alice : What? Are we just going to be left here?

[AGATHA bangs into the wall, although not quite as hard as HARVEY did.]

Alice : Apparently not!

Agatha : [Tries to go through the wall] I think that's just me.

Agatha : [Looks suspiciously from Monty to Smock] Then who is the demon?

Monty : It certainly isn't me. [To Davey] Are you suggesting that being able to walk through a wall is a test of demonness?

Davey : [Shrugs] It can be. You guys really ought to chill out, you know? Full demons can usually pass through solid objects in Pharmeceutica.

Smock: [Frowns at Agatha] It ain't me! No sir! I woulda known!

Clint: [Shrugs and walks toward the wall] I've never been tested, so who knows?!

Agatha : [Gestures towards the wall. To Patience] Care to try? [Looks at Davey] I guess I'm not a full demon then. Figures.

Harvey : [To Agatha] Perhaps as you are only half demon, only half of you can pass through the wall? Not a whole lot of good, though, is it! [To Davey] Is there another way around?

Agatha : [To Smock] Perhaps he's paranoid.

Smock: [To Davey] How come this wall is here anyway? How come only demons can see Azzagus?

Clint: [To Agatha, about to walk into/through the wall] Maybe demons are gassy, too?

Smock: [To Agatha] I suppose. Especially if your demon let him know you were coming.

[CLINT and PATIENCE each try the wall test in turn, and neither goes through.]

Alice : So what does this mean? Can someone be a half demon?

Davey : [Lighting up a huge cheeseratte] Nope. It typically means someone tried to summon a demon to join with them and messed it up. You get that kind of thing a lot these days, amateurs making fools of themselves. You know the sort, housewife bookclubs, teenage goths, they're always trying this stuff. Usually it kills them, which is quite fun.

Clint: [Nods impatiently] Yeah, hilarious. So, you gonna lead us or what?

Davey : I sure am, Winston. [Heads through the wall again]

[Everyone just rolls their eyes and tuts in irritation, and DAVEY returns after an irritatingly long period of time, roaring laughing.]

Davey : Oh man! You should see your faces! Whoo! Hilarious! Come on, this way. [Starts heading along the passageway] So, how come you folks want to see Azzugas?

Harvey : [Face darkens at the mention of teenage goths] By the saints, the little pouty eye makeup wearing, scallywags! [To Davey] So, someone here must be part demon, considering we survived the fireball, eh!

Smock: Aggie here wants to get rid of a curse.

Clint: [Offended] What's so funny about that?! Don't we look cursed?

Davey : A curse? [Laughs and looks over the rest of the party] Oh-kay!

Davey : Uh, sure you do!

Harvey : Well why do most people go to see Azzagus?

Agatha : Clint and Alice woke up naked together in Mermantort.

Agatha : [To Davey] I'm here to do some trade with Azzagus.

Clint: [Excited] Hey, I've got a bunch of rolos to trade! [To Patience, wisely] Demons love rolos.

Davey : To trade, of course! It's always great fun.

Clint: [To Agatha] Hey! What the hell are you talking about?!

Clint: [To Alice, defensively] Nothing! I never told anyone! [Hesitates and adds] Uuuh, I mean, nothing ever happened so how [huge emphasis] could I have told anyone anything, right?

Alice : [Does a double take on Agatha] What? Who told you that? [Turns angrily to Clint] What the hell have you been saying?

Patience : [To Monty] I'd like to read that chapter of your watcher book, Tweed.

Monty : As would I. This is the first I have heard of it. If, indeed, it is true.

Agatha : [Very suprised at Clint and Alice's reactions] Errm, trade, you know, selling and buying stuff?

Alice : [Noticing everyone looking at her] Uh... [extremely unconvincing] that's right!

Clint: [Nods and adds firmly] Right! It was a completely different bimbo! [Gives Alice an Arm-punch of Platonic Friendship]

Alice : [To Agatha] Not that! The naked thing! [Turns to Clint] Ow!

Harvey : [To Agatha] Well, you must have heard that from somewhere dear niece! About dear Alice and [shudders] private Scar waking up together!

Clint: Yeah! Who told you that awful [wink at Alice] lie?

Monty : So it isn't true?

Alice : [Again unconvincing] No! It's a vicious lie!

Monty : [Notes something on his clipboard] I'm sure we're all glad to hear that.

Clint: Wait a minute! [Looks at Agatha closely] Lawyer? You in there?!

Harvey : [To Clint] By the saints, private, you think that my niece Agatha has been semi-posessed by the ghost of private Sleaze? No more cheese for you, by Gads!

Clint: [Excited] It all fits! [Ticks off points on his fingers] She's a lawyer, which no chick that hot would ever be. She knows crap that only we know. She's real girly and prissy, and she's attracted to men. [Holds up four fingers triumphantly] There ya go!

Alice : [Does a triple take on Clint] What? [Peers at Agatha] How could that have happened?

Alice : Plus, she's tried to stop us getting into Pharmeceutica, by stopping the automobusomobile, by arguing with Claude, and by starting a fight with those crazy cat ladies! [Thinks for a moment] Hm. What does that mean, though?

Clint: [To Agatha] Why don't you tell us, Lawyer-Demon?!

Alice : [Nods] Good idea! What exactly were you doing when the room exploded? [To the others] You know, that would have happened around the same time poor old Aussie was killed!

Harvey : By the saints, you mean what private Scar said might hold some modicum of truth? [Peers closely at Agatha] I say private Sleaze, are you in there?

Clint: [To Monty] Move over, egghead. There's a new brain in town. [Makes to tap his forehead proudly but accidentally pokes his eye instead] Dammit!

Monty : [Looks Clint up and down, before writing something on his clipboard] Quite.

Agatha : [Cool, turns to Alice] What the hell are you all jabbering about? Naked? What was naked? I mention cutting a deal or two with a demon and next you're trying to persuade people that you haven't had sex with Mr. Scar and that I'm possesed, not but a demon, but by your recently deceased colleague's spirit [Does a duh! face at Alice] You're not making any sense there sis!

Clint: [Holds up four fingers] Hey! I'm the one who proved it! C'mon outta hiding, Lawyer!

Agatha : [To Clint] Firstly, Mr. Sleaze was not a demon, but we have already establinshed that I have been possesed by one. Probably. Secondly, why would the spirit of Mr Sleaze hide from me? [Shakes her head] He was far too polite and gentlemanly, and, well frankly, gullable, to do such a thing.

Clint: [Stubbornly] How do YOU know the lawyer wasn't a demon?! He was a real pain in the ass, you know. And he's hiding from you because he's fruity and broads scare the hell out of him. [Looks closely at Agatha then abruptly calls out] I always thought Maplin looked flabby!

Agatha : [Laughs, plesantly] I'm absolutley certain that Mr Sleaze was not scared of women, from what I heard down the grapevine, he was quite the ladies man. [Ponders] I expect he has several illigitimate children. [Blinks at Clint's shouting] Perhaps you need to lie down for a while, somewhere quiet and shady. You appear to be a litttle mad.

Smock: You guys are crazy! She can't be Austin! He was heaps nicer and not so cranky, and he had better clothes.

Clint: [Annoyed] What do you know, kid?! We knew him a lot longer than you did.

Smock: [To Clint] So what?!

Clint: [Snorts] So, uh, I'm older than you! You gotta respect me, twerp!! [Bites his thumb at Smock]

Smock: Nuh uh! [Makes a face and pokes her tongue at Clint] Maybe if you did something good, I would.

Monty : Ahem. Assuming the theory that it is the late Mr. Sleaze who is inhabiting her, it still doesn't explain how he got in there, nor why he wishes to prevent us from getting to Azzugas.

Alice : Hey! Austin had a bony finger!

[Everyone gives ALICE a puzzled look.]

Alice : Remember! From when he stuck it into the Heart? It went all bony? That was kind of demony, wasn't it? It had sort [lots of vague handwaving] magic powers and stuff.

Smock: Maybe it's something to do with that business with magic orbs and Darius and stuff.

Harvey : Quite possible, quite possible indeed, troop! [To Davey] Could you ask Azzagus to meet us here?

Smock: But wouldn't Austin be an angel instead of a demon, cuz in his reading he got the sun card at the end?

Harvey : Um, perhaps the sun is a reference to the heat of Hell, cadet! Where demons come from!

Davey : [Laughs at Harvey] Azzagus does not come to meet people, people come to meet him! [Titters to himself] Could I ask to Azzagus to meet them? Haw! Azzagus only ever meets people in one place.

Alice : Where's that? The reception room? With lavish meal laid out and all sorts of cool cheese?

Davey : Nah, the Sacrifice Room. You'll even get to see the kitchen, that's where all the magic in Pharmeceutica comes from.

Smock: He's gonna demand a sacrifice right? What does that have to be?

Harvey : [Stomach rumbles massively at the mention of a kitchen] The sacrifice room, you say! And who or what does Azzagus sacrifice?

Davey : Nah, he won't demand anything. The sacrifices? Humans, of course.

Smock: Well hurry up and let's get there and get this over with!

Clint: [Whips out his sword. To Smock] Good idea, kid. [Nods at Davey] Let's go, all ready.

Agatha : [To Clint] This sacrifice thing sounds a little dodgy.

Agatha : [To Clint, indignantly] What? Why the hell would I have dead bodies stashed anywhere? I'm a lawyer, not a mortician.

Clint: [Nods] Got any fancy lawyer tricks to help us out? Surely you got a dead body or two stashed?

Clint: [Shrugs] Hey, I'm no lawyer. What do I know?

Davey : [As the party approach a large door with a huge skull carved into it] No problem, folks, [turns and gives Clint a wink and smile] we've got [emphasis] loads of bodies in here! [Pushes the doors open] [Book V, Act V, Scene XI. Azzugas' Lair. ALICE, AGATHA, CLINT, HARVEY, SMOCK, MONTY, DAVEY and AZZUGAS are here. AZZUGAS is a ferocious looking demon with huge horns, who is sitting on a raised dias in the middle of the large, round room.]

Azzugas : [With a thunderous voice] Who dares enter the lair of Azzugas?

Davey : Hey boss, it's me, Davey.

Azzugas : [Nice and friendly] Hi Davey, how are you? [Glares at the party] Who else dares enter the lair of Azzugas?

Azzugas

Map of the scene

Agatha : [To Azzagus] I, Agatha, have brought you some human fools, to do with as you please! [Gestures to the party. To the party] Fools! It was I who performed the mind opening! I have tricked you into following me down here into the lair of Azzagus, so that I can offer you up for trade! [Laughs evilly] Idiots!

Alice : Huh? But, what about the jewel? [To the others in the party] We were supposed to be getting a jewel, weren't we?

Clint: [Shrugs] Who can remember?! [To Agatha] What the hell is a mind opening??

Agatha : Nothing that need concern you, for it requires some element of brain power. [To the party] It was me who summoned a demon back at the hotel, but you were all too stupid to figure it out.

Alice : Hey! We totally knew that! [To the others] Didn't we? Didn't we say that?

Agatha : I summoned a demon to join life forces with me, so I could rise above the poverty that has struck our family, but the mind opening was ruined, probably by that idiot Sleaze.

Harvey : By the saints, Agatha, have you gone quite stark staring mad, what? Why on earth would you do such a thing? Just because you don't have a pocket full of gold?

Agatha : No, you moron, because I don't have sackfuls of gold!

Azzagus : Speak! Tell me who is to offer the sacrifice!

Patience: [For lack of a better idea, tries to swipe the amulet and beat Agatha to a pulp with it.] A little help here, Clint?

Agatha : [To Azzagus. Reaches into her pocket] I Agatha, holder of the Amulet of Orleon, offer the sacrifice!

Agatha : [Tries her other pocket ] Holder of the Amulet of Orleon! [Looks very worried and searches her hand bag] Shit! [Empties her whole hand bag onto the ground] Fuck!

Azzugas : [Leans forward in his seat with a smile] Let me see!

Alice : [Joins Patience in moving towards Agatha] Grab it!

[PATIENCE and ALICE move towards AGATHA in slow motion.]

Agatha : [Tries her other pocket. Triumphantly] Holder of the Amulet of Orleon! [Looks very worried and searches her hand bag] Dam! [Empties her whole hand bag onto the ground] Oh no!

Azzugas : What is the meaning of this? Where is the amulet? I will kill all of you unless one of you have it!

[PATIENCE and ALICE knock AGATHA to the ground and pin her there.]

Monty : [Quickly steps into the circle near Azzugas] Ahem. [Holds up a gold amulet] I believe this is the Amulet of [questioningly] Orleon? [Turns to the party with a smile] I discovered it when we searched Agatha outside the mountain. My skills and knowledge as a watcher immediately identified it as something magical, and I took the precaution of taking it myself.

Patience: [Laughs.] Great job, Tweed! I take back all the mean things I ever said about you! [Stops to consider.] Actually, no, I don't, but it was still a great job! vLast from Tom #13

Monty : [Smiles at Patience] I fear, as usual, you misunderstand. I'm not saving you, I'm sacrificing you.

Agatha : [Screaming furious at Patience] You idiots! Get him!

Patience: [Rolls her eyes and bops Agatha upside the head.] Shut up, you. [Yells at Harvey, Smock, and Clint.] Get him! [Shakes her head.] You people have the worst taste in friends, I tell you. And really, just because I said he drives like an old woman is no reason to sacrifice me.

Clint: [Attempts to tackle Monty] What the hell is wrong with you?!

Harvey : Um, perhaps the sun is a reference to the heat of Hell, cadet! Where demons come from!

Davey : [Laughs at Harvey] Azzagus does not come to meet people, people come to meet him! [Titters to himself] Could I ask to Azzagus to meet them? Haw! Azzagus only ever meets people in one place.

Alice : Where's that? The reception room? With lavish meal laid out and all sorts of cool cheese?

Davey : Nah, the Sacrifice Room. You'll even get to see the kitchen, that's where all the magic in Pharmeceutica comes from.

Smock: He's gonna demand a sacrifice right? What does that have to be?

Harvey : [Stomach rumbles massively at the mention of a kitchen] The sacrifice room, you say! And who or what does Azzagus sacrifice?

Davey : Nah, he won't demand anything. The sacrifices? Humans, of course.

Smock: Well hurry up and let's get there and get this over with!

Clint: [Whips out his sword. To Smock] Good idea, kid. [Nods at Davey] Let's go, all ready.

Agatha : [To Clint] This sacrifice thing sounds a little dodgy.

Agatha : [To Clint, indignantly] What? Why the hell would I have dead bodies stashed anywhere? I'm a lawyer, not a mortician.

Clint: [Nods] Got any fancy lawyer tricks to help us out? Surely you got a dead body or two stashed?

Clint: [Shrugs] Hey, I'm no lawyer. What do I know?

Davey : [As the party approach a large door with a huge skull carved into it] No problem, folks, [turns and gives Clint a wink and smile] we've got [emphasis] loads of bodies in here! [Pushes the doors open] [Book V, Act V, Scene XI. Azzugas' Lair. ALICE, AGATHA, CLINT, HARVEY, SMOCK, MONTY, DAVEY and AZZUGAS are here. AZZUGAS is a ferocious looking demon with huge horns, who is sitting on a raised dias in the middle of the large, round room.]

Azzugas : [With a thunderous voice] Who dares enter the lair of Azzugas?

Davey : Hey boss, it's me, Davey.

Azzugas : [Nice and friendly] Hi Davey, how are you? [Glares at the party] Who else dares enter the lair of Azzugas?

Azzugas

Map of the scene

Agatha : [To Azzagus] I, Agatha, have brought you some human fools, to do with as you please! [Gestures to the party. To the party] Fools! It was I who performed the mind opening! I have tricked you into following me down here into the lair of Azzagus, so that I can offer you up for trade! [Laughs evilly] Idiots!

Alice : Huh? But, what about the jewel? [To the others in the party] We were supposed to be getting a jewel, weren't we?

Clint: [Shrugs] Who can remember?! [To Agatha] What the hell is a mind opening??

Agatha : Nothing that need concern you, for it requires some element of brain power. [To the party] It was me who summoned a demon back at the hotel, but you were all too stupid to figure it out.

Alice : Hey! We totally knew that! [To the others] Didn't we? Didn't we say that?

Agatha : I summoned a demon to join life forces with me, so I could rise above the poverty that has struck our family, but the mind opening was ruined, probably by that idiot Sleaze.

Harvey : By the saints, Agatha, have you gone quite stark staring mad, what? Why on earth would you do such a thing? Just because you don't have a pocket full of gold?

Agatha : No, you moron, because I don't have sackfuls of gold!

Azzagus : Speak! Tell me who is to offer the sacrifice!

Patience: [For lack of a better idea, tries to swipe the amulet and beat Agatha to a pulp with it.] A little help here, Clint?

Agatha : [To Azzagus. Reaches into her pocket] I Agatha, holder of the Amulet of Orleon, offer the sacrifice!

Agatha : [Tries her other pocket ] Holder of the Amulet of Orleon! [Looks very worried and searches her hand bag] Shit! [Empties her whole hand bag onto the ground] Fuck!

Azzugas : [Leans forward in his seat with a smile] Let me see!

Alice : [Joins Patience in moving towards Agatha] Grab it!

[PATIENCE and ALICE move towards AGATHA in slow motion.]

Agatha : [Tries her other pocket. Triumphantly] Holder of the Amulet of Orleon! [Looks very worried and searches her hand bag] Dam! [Empties her whole hand bag onto the ground] Oh no!

Azzugas : What is the meaning of this? Where is the amulet? I will kill all of you unless one of you have it!

[PATIENCE and ALICE knock AGATHA to the ground and pin her there.]

Monty : [Quickly steps into the circle near Azzugas] Ahem. [Holds up a gold amulet] I believe this is the Amulet of [questioningly] Orleon? [Turns to the party with a smile] I discovered it when we searched Agatha outside the mountain. My skills and knowledge as a watcher immediately identified it as something magical, and I took the precaution of taking it myself.

Patience: [Laughs.] Great job, Tweed! I take back all the mean things I ever said about you! [Stops to consider.] Actually, no, I don't, but it was still a great job! vLast from Tom #13

Monty : [Smiles at Patience] I fear, as usual, you misunderstand. I'm not saving you, I'm sacrificing you.

Agatha : [Screaming furious at Patience] You idiots! Get him!

Patience: [Rolls her eyes and bops Agatha upside the head.] Shut up, you. [Yells at Harvey, Smock, and Clint.] Get him! [Shakes her head.] You people have the worst taste in friends, I tell you. And really, just because I said he drives like an old woman is no reason to sacrifice me.

Clint: [Attempts to tackle Monty] What the hell is wrong with you?!

Smock: [Tries to grab the amulet off Monty. Dismayed] But why would you do that, Monty?

[CLINT gets to the edge of the circle, but is thrown back by some invisible force. SMOCK is moving too fast to stop, and also rebounds off it.]

Monty : Why? Why? Because I hate you, that's why.

Smock: [Clambers to her feet, confused, distressed and shifting about, not knowing what to do with herself] But.. but... how come? And if you didn't like us, you coulda just said and gone away.

Clint: [Stumbles to regain his balance. To Smock] Don't worry, kid. He's possessed or something. [Snarls at Monty] What the hell are you talking about?! You're a tightass killjoy, sure, but you're on our side!

Alice : [Looks up at the huge weapon in Azzugas' hand] Hey! Why did you take that out if you can just use your hand?

Azzugas : To show how wonderful my loincloth is.

Alice : You mean, by showing how much space there is?

[All but HARVEY attack, with SMOCK managing to get a jab in, but all miss. AZZUGAS gives another wave, this time sending CLINT flying.]

Stackie : [To Smock] They're all mixed up! If this happens, the Nandroleans will get thin, the Cialitians will get aggressive and, oh my, who knows what will happen then? They've already been mixing their medicines - there are a lot of skinny, angry Phenterimines about.

Alice : Skinny, angry Phenterimines? Do they wear cats on their heads?

Stackie : [Screams in terror, and then goes calm again] Yes.

Harvey : Hmm, yes, we have met those people, I believe! I'm just surprised you managed to get anything, be it medicine or any liquid, passed their tight lips!

Stackie : Not all medicines are taken orally.

Smock: Can we use any of this stuff against Azzugas? [Inspects the vials, without touching anything] How were you planning to get out of here anyway?

Stackie : [Suspiciously] Get out of here? Who said anything about wanting to get out of here?

Alice : [Beside Smock, also looking at the phials, all of which contain clear liquid] It looks kind of like the stuff that Jack had, doesn't it? from the first

Smock: You said you wanted to escape from the demon.

Patience: Yeah! Maybe there's a way to escape from the demon without leaving all these charming people behind? Like Jewel, for instance?

Stackie : [Screams in terror, before becalming once more] Oh, that's right. The only plan I had was to randomly taste the potions until I got something that I could fight my way out with.

Smock: [Covering her ears against the screaming.] It's the best plan I've heard so far.

Patience: Are you kidding? What if she takes one of the Cialatian's potions by mistake and starts throwing herself at the poor demon? [Pauses] Actually, that'd probably work, wouldn't it? Plus, it'd be a lot funnier!

Austin : [To all] Well, if we taste one each it'll be much quicker to find out what they all are. [Takes a potion as looks at it critically] I hope these we manufactured to the latest hygene regulations?

Clint: [Shrugs and picks up a random vial, toasting Austin with it] Cheers! [Downs the potion]

Austin : [Watching Clint down a potion] Taste Mr. Scar! Taste! Some thing you know nothing about! [To the others] Well, that's one less potion to worry about. [Stands back from Clint, watching to see what happens]

Harvey : [Looks at the empty bottle] Let us hope to Phili that that potion wasn't the one we needed, what! [Pops open a bottle and sniffs cautiously at it]

Stackie : [Scratching her ass as she answers Austin] Sure they're hygienic!

Alice : [Prods Clint in the chest] Well, he doesn't smell any different!

Clint: [To Alice] Maybe not, but you smell great, babe. [Looks Alice up and down] Looking damn good, too. Although that outfit would look much better off. [Growls at Alice and shoots her with a finger gun]

Patience: [Snickers] Ha! Stackie, can you do anything to get Clint back to normal? Or, failing that, take him aside and get him out of the way?

Alice : [Ducks to avoid Clint's finger shot] Ew! Make him stop!

Stackie : Back to normal? [Scream] Why? I kind of like him this way.

Alice : [Highly offended] Hey! It's me you're supposed to be groping! [Thinks for a moment] Hey! Stop groping me!

Clint: [Stop groping Alice and moves toward Patience. To Patience] That's one fine rack you got, babe. [Reaches for Patience's, uh, rack]

Patience: Gee, thanks Blondie. [Hastily leaps behind Shackie. To Clint] What about her? Doesn't she seem nice?

Harvey : [Looking at Clint] So, I take it the potion you just drank has had absolutely no effect then, private?

Clint : Not a bit, Harv. [Looks Harvey up and down] Hm.

Stackie : [To Clint] Hey baby, what's going down?

Clint : Click-click! You, pretty soon!

Harvey : Oh for goodness sakes, private! Try another potion! And sip it this time!

Clint : Sure, Harv, in a while. [Takes Stackie in his arms and gives her a passionate kiss]

Alice : [Turns away, looking like she's going to be sick] Someone, please! Make it stop!

Clint: [Looks Patience up and down, lingering at her legs] I'd like to lick those legs, baby. [Attempts to grope Alice while he drools at Patience]

Austin : [To Alice] If you close your eyes and cover your ears with your hands it will stop.

Patience: [Grinning openly.] Why stop it? He's going to be really embarrassed about this later, right? Besides, maybe we can leave them here and let them disgust Azzagus to death?

Clint: [Slaps Stackie on the ass. To Patience] Don't be jealous, babe. I'm getting to you, too! [attempts to sweep Patience into his arms for a big sloppy kiss]

Patience: Down boy! [Attempts to interpose her knee in a strategic area.]

Austin : [Smoothly stepping out of the way. To Stackie] Can you discern the effects of these potions from the smell and a sip? [Gingerly sniffs the potion he selected]

Harvey : Good question there private Sleaze! [Turns to Stackie] What exactly type of thing are we looking for here? What smell? Or taste?

[CLINT advances on PATIENCE, with a big smear of STACKIE's lipstick on his face. He gets close enough to leave a smear on PATIENCE's lips before she lays him low with her kick.]

Alice : [Looks at Patience's lips] Ew! [To Austin] Good idea, Aus. [Shuts her eyes and sticks her fingers in her ears, before speaking very loudly] Nothing bad can possibly happen now! [Stands there, with her lips puckered out invitingly]

Stackie : [Striking a match off the "Caution, Flammable Materials" sign and lighting a cigarette before addressing Austin] 'fraid not hon. If you're going to take something you'll need to down half a phial to get the effect before Azzugas comes in. [Looks down at Clint] Only a fool would drink a whole one. [Looks away whistfully] He may be a fool, but I love him!

Stackie : [Shrugs] Search me.

Patience: Gah! [Wipes her lips on the back of her sleeve, picks Clint up and pushes him towards Alice, then goes to help Harvey and Austin.] Here, give me one of those. We're running out of time, you know. [Takes a phial at random.] Bottoms up! [Drains half of it.]

Stackie : [Giggles annoyingly] Oh my! [Gives a squirm as Clint takes out a half full phial]

[PATIENCE doesn't seem to have been affected by the potion yet, and the door is smashed open by NIGEL, who's looking very angry.]

Nigel : [Shouting in a deafening roar] Biiiig jobs!

Alice : [Blissfully unaware of what's going on around her] La la la! ### Updated Map :

Updated Map

Austin : Eeek! [Downs his potion, stepping quickly away from the door, out of the line of fire]

Patience: This is the last thing we need! Clint, go molest Nigel while the rest of us try some of these potions! [Shrugs and, since the potion doesn't seem to be doing her any good, tries a bit more.]

Harvey : We'd better be on our way again! [Knocks back half of his potion]

Clint: [Looks at Nigel lustfully. To Nigel] Hey, stud. Wanna party?

Clint: [Stumbles to his feet. To Stackie] My pleasure, toots! [Begins frisking Stackie playfully]

Smock: [Looking quite disturbed at Clint's antics, turns away to consider the flammable liquids sign. Picks up a handful of phials and begins to throw them at Nigel.] Get lost fatty!

Alice : Come on! Let's try the others! [Picks one up and drinks half it]

[SMOCK breaks a bunch of phials off NIGEL's chest.]

Nigel : [Screams like a girl] Don't scar my pecks!

Austin : [Flicks a lit match at Nigel] Scar his pecks!

Smock: [Grins wickedly at Austin. To Nigel] It couldn't make you uglier than you already are! [Throws another phial at him and gathers another handful from the rack.]

Nigel : [Screams even more loudly than Stackie did, and turns, just in time for Smock to hit him on the back with her phial, and for Austin's match to hit him on the back side] My ass! My beautiful ass! [Runs away, leaving a cloud of dust]

Alice : Whoohoo! [Manages to grab both Austin and Smock at the same time and gives them a huge hug] You guys are just brilliant! I can't believe it! We've won!

[AZZUGAS appears at the door, with a huge, NIGEL sized footprint on his chest.]

Smock: [Hugs Alice before seeing Azzugas.] Um... I don't think we won yet. [Hides behind Alice.]

Alice : Oh, we have, Smock. You're just great, the way you threw that phial at him, wow! You should be playing sports or something, you could be professional!

Smock: [To Alice, intrigued] Really? [Smiles] You think so? That would be pretty cool!

Patience: [Her stomach gurgles, and suddenly she begins to swell like a balloon, displaying huge, cartoonish muscles. To Smock and Alice, irately] The big demon is here, and you talk about games?! You idiots! And you throw like girls, too! [Takes a few angry steps towards them, then miraculously remembers Azzagus and turns his way.] And you! Hunt us? Hunt US?! [Launches herself at the demon, or does the best approximation she can in her currently muscle-bound state.]

Smock: [Looks away from Patience, shielding her eyes.] Ew! Gross!

Austin : [Ponders Patience, lustfully] Hmmmm. There could be a positive side. [Removes the glove from his skeletal fingerd hand and attempts to stab Azzagus with it whilst Patience distracts him]

Clint : [Watching Patience fly through the air] Yowza! [Gives a sexy growl and dives after her]

[PATIENCE leaps at AZZUGAS, who beats her down with a savage blow. However, he is distracted enough for AUSTIN to stab at him with finger, causing AZZUGAS to cry out in pain. Surprisingly, AUSTIN also gives a cry of pain, and grabs his left (the same one as the boney finger) shoulder.]

Alice : Oh wow! See the way Aussie got him? Zap! Pow! Good stuff! [Sits down to watch]

Harvey : By the saints, it's time for this old soldier to try one of the potions! [Drinks the rest of Patience's one]

Azzugas : [To Austin, with a smile] I'm going to enjoy killing you.

Patience: Oof! [Shakes her head to clear it, growls angrily, and stands back up.] Is that the best you've got? Is it?!? [Aside, to the party.] Well don't just sit there, you fools, give me a hand!

Smock: Austin! Are you okay? [Pulls on Alice's sleeve.] Come on, Alice. We need your help.

Austin : [To Smock, clutching his shoulder] Yes, I think so, thanks [Looks a little disconcerted, then shake it off. Moving back and readying his sling shot. To Azzagus] No Azz, I believe that it is I who shall find your death oddly unsatisfying!

Smock: Geeze! Do I gotta do everything? [Grabs a couple of phials and throws them at Azzugas.]

Patience: I'm on it! [Rushes at Azzagus, carefully not stepping on Harvey.] Let's go another round!

Harvey : [With faint sounds of "Plopeye the Sailorman" playing in the background] I've got the bounder!

[HARVEY tries to pin down AZZUGAS, but is beaten back. Meanwhile, AUSTIN fires two bullets at AZZUGAS, missing with both.]

Alice : Hey! This is no good at all! We need to hit him!

Austin : [To Smock, furiously reloading] Why don't you drink a potion! [To Alice] Why don't you help us? [Fires at Azzagus] On 10/01/06, djob@staffmail.ed.ac.uk wrote:

Alice : [With a big smile] Hey! That's a really good idea Aus. [Picks up a potion and drinks half of it] Well, that didn't do much. [Drinks half of another one] Oh. [Her stomach gives a terrible burbling sound] I think I just found the one from the Phenterimines.

[PATIENCE clashes with AZZUGAS again, just as SMOCK's phials harmlessly break off him, and bangs him hard against the wall.]

Harvey : [Staggers back against the wall] Gah! This old soldier isn't doing so well!

Patience: Ha! Take that! [Eyes brighten as she has an idea.] Who has the pears? Give me one, NOW! And lawyer, hold off the demon for minute while I feast.

Clint: [Grabs another flask and takes a good swig before attacking Azzugas. To Harvey] Hang in there, old man! You've never looked foxier!

Austin : [To Patience] If I die, it's your fault! [Tries another skeletal finger stab at Azzagus To Azzagus, staring into his eyes] You'll never defeat us! You don't have the power!

Smock: [To Austin] Because I don't want to turn into one of those! [Gestures toward Patience and Harvey. Throws Patience one of her pears.] Here ya go! [Runs over to Harvey and attempts to heal him, before calling to Clint] Hey lover boy! The demon's jealous of your 'assets'. He wants to steal them and all the women folk. You just gonna stand there and let him?

Patience: Thanks, kid. You stil throw like a girl, though! [Gobbles down a pear, then goes to help Austin and Clint.] I hope this works...

Alice : [Suddenly develops rippling muscles] Yay! Here I come! [Gets halfway to Azzugas and throws up] Damned cat wearers!

[PATIENCE munches on the pear as she and CLINT attack AZZUGAS, with AUSTIN also trying to get a jab in. Only AUSTIN is successful, with his finger somehow poking AZZUGAS in the eye, pulling it completely out, causing AZZUGAS to scream in pain.]

Alice : [Getting to her feet] Well done, Aussie! [Sees the eye on his finger] Ew! [Throws up again]

Smock: [Cheers] Go Austin! [Helps Harvey to his feet.]

Patience: [Eyes wide.] Wow! Who needs Clint, anyway? [Gives Austin a friendly pat on the back.]

Smock: [To Patience, rolling her eyes] Isn't that a surprise!

Austin : Eeewww! [Grimaces at the gooey eye, flicking it to the ground, horrified by the mess. To Azzagus] You'll pay for that! [Goes for another skeletal finger stab at Azzagus]

Azzugas : [Swings and hits Austin, knocking him to the floor] You bastard!

[Each of PATIENCE, ALICE and CLINT try to knock AZZUGAS down, with CLINT inflicting a good punch. Meanwhile, SMOCK casts a spell on HARVEY, causing him to perk up considerably.]

Harvey : Ah! Well done lad!

Smock: Oh no! Austin! [Runs over to help Austin up and out of the line of fire (if that's his plan).]

Austin : [To Smock] Thanks! [Will only attack Azzugas again if the others distract him again]

Alice : Let's get him! [PATIENCE, CLINT and ALICE attack, with PATIENCE and ALICE getting significant hits in, sending AZZUGAS staggering back, clearly hurt.]

Azzugas : [Points at Stackie] You!

Stackie : [Screams]

Patience: [Cockily] Ha! Not so tough now, are you? Come get some more! [To Stackie] And you, stop screaming, dammit!

Alice : [Calmly] She's just upset, Patiey, don't make her any worse. [Snarls at Azzugas] As for this bastard!

[ALICE, PATIENCE and CLINT again try to knock AZZUGAS down, with ALICE inflicting a wound. AUSTIN once again tries to stab him, but fails.]

Harvey : By the saints, lads! We have the blackguard on the ropes now!

[A familiar "Ahem" comes from the door. Everyone turns and looks, to see MONTY standing there beside DAVEY.]

Monty : I'm here to help, Azzugas. And I've brought some friends. [Leans back so everyone can see that there are hundreds of others outside, including Nandroleans, Ephedrinians, Cialiations, Xanaxians and Phenterimines]

Patience: [Looks around at the gathered horde outside.] This could be ugly! [To the group in general, pleadingly.] Can we not surrender until after I've ripped Tweed's head off?

Clint: [To Patience] I'm with you, dollface. Though he IS looking kinda tasty at the moment [looks Monty up and down lustily].

Alice : [Appalled at Clint] She meant his [points to her own head and speaks slowly] head, [to Patience] didn't you?

Monty : After all you've done for me? Need I remind you of the egregious violation of rule 43, subsection A, paragraph four?

Patience: [Shrugs, as best she can in her currently muscle-bound state. To

Alice:] Well, yes, but if Clint has other ideas I'm not stopping him.

Clint: [Attacks Azzagus, going for the groin] Good going, Lawyer! [Checks out Austin's ass for a moment] You been workin' out?

Monty : [With a petulant sigh] No Knight shall strike a Watcher.

Azzugas : [Smugly to Austin, as he sees him tense, ready for action] If you kill me, you'll never make it out of here alive. My children will see to that.

[CLINT punches MONTY hard in the face, breaking his glasses and knocking him to the ground.]

Davey : [Steps in front of Clint] Easy, my friend. I know tempers are high, but you need to stay calm if everyone's to get out of here alive.

Austin : [To Azzugas, smugly] I didn't come in here alive either! [Thinks again] Are you sure they are your children, after all, you have no genitals.

Azzugas : [Looks at Austin's crotch] Have you checked your own since I saved your life? There's always a cost.

Austin : That would be most inconvenient [Checks his tackle with a quick grope]

Patience: No need to grope yourself; I'm sure Clint would be quite happy to do that for you! [Pleadingly, to Davey] I know we all want to get out of here alive, but [with a glare for Monty] I must rip his arms off!

Austin : [Smirks. Goes to stab Azzugas with his skeletal finger if Azzugas is distracted by the others again. Laughing] Just another lieing demon!

Davey : [Sympathetically] I know, I know, he's terribly annoying, but he's one of us now. The deal is that you all get to leave here alive if you go now.

Clint: [To Monty] You traitor! After all we've done for you?!

Clint: [Struggling to get past Davey to beat on Monty some more. To Davey] Who's offering this deal?! Who's in charge here?

Austin : [Indignantly to Clint] The Colonel is in charge here! [To the party] Kill Azzugas!

Clint: [Enraged] Shut the hell up! [attacks Monty]

Azzugas : [Dead calm] I'm in charge.

Davey : Azzugas is in charge.

Azzugas : [Calling out] They've destroyed all the medicines, and Bert has fled. If they kill me, you'll never be able to get more.

[The crowd give an angry mumble.]

Harvey : [To the party] Gah! Suggestions, troop? Observations?

Alice : [Pointing at a broken phial] Doesn't that glass look like a face?

Austin : [Shouts out] He's lieing, he's just another lieing demon! You don't need the medicines! He's just tricking you!

Azzugas : Another lying demon like you?

Patience: [Muttering angrily.] All this bickering is making my head hurt. Austin, if they'll let us go without killing us, great. Maybe we could have Azzagus come with us alone to the edge of the mountain or something to guarantee our safety? [Looks around for Jewel in the crowd in back.]

Clint: [Drops his struggle with Davey, distracted by Patience] Agreed, baby. I could use a little alone time with you, anyway. [Attempts to grope Patience]

Smock: Oh no! Austin! [Runs over to help Austin up and out of the line of fire (if that's his plan).]

Austin : [To Smock] Thanks! [Will only attack Azzugas again if the others distract him again]

Alice : Let's get him! [PATIENCE, CLINT and ALICE attack, with PATIENCE and ALICE getting significant hits in, sending AZZUGAS staggering back, clearly hurt.]

Azzugas : [Points at Stackie] You!

Stackie : [Screams]

Patience: [Cockily] Ha! Not so tough now, are you? Come get some more! [To Stackie] And you, stop screaming, dammit!

Alice : [Calmly] She's just upset, Patiey, don't make her any worse. [Snarls at Azzugas] As for this bastard!

[ALICE, PATIENCE and CLINT again try to knock AZZUGAS down, with ALICE inflicting a wound. AUSTIN once again tries to stab him, but fails.]

Harvey : By the saints, lads! We have the blackguard on the ropes now!

[A familiar "Ahem" comes from the door. Everyone turns and looks, to see MONTY standing there beside DAVEY.]

Monty : I'm here to help, Azzugas. And I've brought some friends. [Leans back so everyone can see that there are hundreds of others outside, including Nandroleans, Ephedrinians, Cialiations, Xanaxians and Phenterimines]

Patience: [Looks around at the gathered horde outside.] This could be ugly! [To the group in general, pleadingly.] Can we not surrender until after I've ripped Tweed's head off?

Clint: [To Patience] I'm with you, dollface. Though he IS looking kinda tasty at the moment [looks Monty up and down lustily].

Alice : [Appalled at Clint] She meant his [points to her own head and speaks slowly] head, [to Patience] didn't you?

Monty : After all you've done for me? Need I remind you of the egregious violation of rule 43, subsection A, paragraph four?

Patience: [Shrugs, as best she can in her currently muscle-bound state. To

Alice:] Well, yes, but if Clint has other ideas I'm not stopping him.

Clint: [Attacks Azzagus, going for the groin] Good going, Lawyer! [Checks out Austin's ass for a moment] You been workin' out?

Monty : [With a petulant sigh] No Knight shall strike a Watcher.

Azzugas : [Smugly to Austin, as he sees him tense, ready for action] If you kill me, you'll never make it out of here alive. My children will see to that.

[CLINT punches MONTY hard in the face, breaking his glasses and knocking him to the ground.]

Davey : [Steps in front of Clint] Easy, my friend. I know tempers are high, but you need to stay calm if everyone's to get out of here alive.

Austin : [To Azzugas, smugly] I didn't come in here alive either! [Thinks again] Are you sure they are your children, after all, you have no genitals.

Azzugas : [Looks at Austin's crotch] Have you checked your own since I saved your life? There's always a cost.

Austin : That would be most inconvenient [Checks his tackle with a quick grope]

Patience: No need to grope yourself; I'm sure Clint would be quite happy to do that for you! [Pleadingly, to Davey] I know we all want to get out of here alive, but [with a glare for Monty] I must rip his arms off!

Austin : [Smirks. Goes to stab Azzugas with his skeletal finger if Azzugas is distracted by the others again. Laughing] Just another lieing demon!

Davey : [Sympathetically] I know, I know, he's terribly annoying, but he's one of us now. The deal is that you all get to leave here alive if you go now.

Clint: [To Monty] You traitor! After all we've done for you?!

Clint: [Struggling to get past Davey to beat on Monty some more. To Davey] Who's offering this deal?! Who's in charge here?

Austin : [Indignantly to Clint] The Colonel is in charge here! [To the party] Kill Azzugas!

Clint: [Enraged] Shut the hell up! [attacks Monty]

Azzugas : [Dead calm] I'm in charge.

Davey : Azzugas is in charge.

Azzugas : [Calling out] They've destroyed all the medicines, and Bert has fled. If they kill me, you'll never be able to get more.

[The crowd give an angry mumble.]

Harvey : [To the party] Gah! Suggestions, troop? Observations?

Alice : [Pointing at a broken phial] Doesn't that glass look like a face?

Austin : [Shouts out] He's lieing, he's just another lieing demon! You don't need the medicines! He's just tricking you!

Azzugas : Another lying demon like you?

Patience: [Muttering angrily.] All this bickering is making my head hurt. Austin, if they'll let us go without killing us, great. Maybe we could have Azzagus come with us alone to the edge of the mountain or something to guarantee our safety? [Looks around for Jewel in the crowd in back.]

Clint: [Drops his struggle with Davey, distracted by Patience] Agreed, baby. I could use a little alone time with you, anyway. [Attempts to grope Patience]

Austin : [Frowning suspiciously at Azzugas] But how can we trust him? [Nods towards Monty] And what about that filthy traitor!

Smock: What about the curse thingy what was the whole reason we came here? [Looks to Alice and Harvey, a little confused.]

Harvey : [Looks back at Smock even more confused] By the saints cadet, I'm not rightly sure! Perhaps it was all a ruse to get us here?

Monty : [Staggering to his feet, all broken nose and smashed glasses] Oh for God's sake! Of course it was a ruse. Agatha lied to get us in here so she could hand you over to Azzugas in return for his blessing - the one that I took first. Everything she said was a lie, about the curse, about why she wouldn't let the Nandroleans search her, why she stopped the bus and why she lied about not knowing who tried the initial joining spell, when she accidentally joined with Austin. Everything she said was a lie. [Muses for a moment] I quite liked her. [Back to the Harvey] There is no curse, other than the one Pestilence put on you.

Smock: [Brightly] Oh, okay! [To Azzugas] But if you don't get us as sacrifices, does that mean Monty misses out on the blessing?

Patience: [Perks up] Yeah! Good thinking, kid. Plus, maybe we can offer HIM as a sacrifice or something.

Clint: [Growls seductively at Alice. To Monty] Hell, yeah, you do! I haven't read any of the crap. What, did I forget to submit my timesheet or something?

Clint: [Intones gravely] O Great and Terrible Gassy-Ass! Please taketh this tweedy geek [makes an obscene gesture at Monty] to fulfill your horrible appetite and do unto him unspeakable things! [Looks around, excited] Did it work?!

Monty : [Face dropping at Smock's words] Shut up, you little bitch!

Azzugas : [Strokes his chin thoughtfully] Hm. I like it. Here's a new deal. You let me go free, and I give Tweed to you.

Monty : But - but - we had a deal!

Patience: [Beaming] I like the sound of that! Whaddaya say, guys?

Alice : [Gives Smock a huge hug, almost crushing her with her newly musclebound arms] I love you, Smock, you're just great!

Harvey : By the saints, Cadet Smock, capital thinking there, capital!

Azzugas : Looks like we've got ourselves a deal, then.

Monty : Noo! [Turns and runs, but bangs into Nigel, and falls back into the room]

Austin : [To Azzugas] Well, that sounds like a fair enough trade to me. [Composes himself for a short speech, Smugly] However, it was I that forced Agatha to refuse to compliment those hideous Nandrilones, in order to force them to search Agatha, therebye exposing her black magic paraphernalia. [Pauses for effect] It was also my good self that forced Agatha to tell you that Azzugas required a sacrifice and I forced her to drop the chickens foot, all, I may add, extreemly difficult things to do when you are a paracorporate spirit. Unfortunately none of you did anything about it until it was too late.

Harvey : [Looks Austin up and down] Eh? What on earth are you blathering about, man?

Alice : [Goes over and gives Austin a crushing hug] Aw! Poor Austin, it's okay, we don't mind that you didn't warn us.

Alice : Sure thing, Stinky. Hey, that's a funny name isn't? Why do we call you that? Is it because you're really stinky? [Starts unloading all sorts of ropes, manacles, gas masks etc. from her backpack]

Monty : Noooo!

Nigel : [Grabs Monty and holds him still] Hur hur hur.

Clint: [To Alice] Good question, Bimbo. Hey, why do we call you bimbo? Is it because you're really slutty? [Begins binding Monty up with ropes and manacles and affixes a few nipple clamps for good measure. Holds up a gas mask] Hmm. Better leave this off in case I wanna deck him again.

Patience: [Impressed by the sheer size of Alice's collection.] I had no idea you were into such kinky things, Big Guy. That Cialatian potion sure is bringing out your hidden side!

Clint: [To Monty] Huh! Who'da thought making deals with demons could ever end badly? [Gives Smock and arm-punch of approval] Good going, kid.

Alice : [Snatches the gas mask from Clint] That's to protect us from you!

Harvey : Control yourself, Private Scar, or we will need to tie [emphasis] you up, hah! Let's see how you like it when you're wearing [starts picking up items at random] fur lined leather cuffs, [picks another] a bridle and [picks up a strange plug shaped item with a tuft of hair sticking out the back of it] uh, hm.

Clint: [In the process of pocketing cuffs and the plug] Uh, right, that'd be terrible! [Whistles casually and tugs at Monty's ropes] So, let's get the hell outta here!

Clint: [Listens to Austin with a blank expression. Shakes his head. To Azzugas] So, what, we take the idiot [obscene gesture at Monty] off your hands, and we're done here? [Slips his rope-belt off and approaches Monty] Hands out, prisoner! [To Alice] We're gonna need all the kinky crap you got. [Thinks a moment and adds to Austin] Yours, too, just for fun.

Austin : [Hands Clint a very kinky leopard skin thong, by Trada, what looks like a tiny tazer, some needles and an odd looking set of pipes and tubes] I don't see how any of these will help secure Monty? [Frowns]

Patience: Let me do that! [Snatches at Monty's leadline, and waves goodbye to Azzagus.] You know, for a demon you're not so bad. [To Monty] For a human, you're monstrous.

Azzugas : [Gives the party a friendly wave] Byeeee!

[MONTY, who now has his hands cuffed behind his back, almost falls foward as he is lead passed the huge crowd of freaks and weirdoes.]

Alice : [Waves back at Azzugas, before turning to the party with a smile] What a nice demon!

[Exit the party.]