THE QUEENS VIEW AFFAIR - 5.4

[Book V, Act IV, Scene I. Dominique's House in Metaplasia. ALICE, AUSTIN, CHASTITY, CLINT, MONTY, SMOCK and JOHN TOULOUSE are here. TWEEDLEBUSH, TWEEDLETONY and a SOLDIER are outside, on the opposite side of the street. TWEEDLEBUSH has just pointed out the house, and the SOLDIER is looking over. He isn't coming yet, and has a short distance to make up even when he does.]
;;; Colin's away until Thursday

Harvey : By the saints! I'll brain those Tweedletwerps!

Chastity: [To John, pointedly stepping in front of Clint and Alice] I can assure you that no one in our party would do anything of the kind. Just look at Mr. Giles. Polite. Well-bred. No hint of sexual appetite. [Pats Monty's arm proudly] And the good Colonel, of course, is the salt of the earth. [Considers Austin and Smock a moment and then adds vaguely] And so forth.

John : But of course! I don't believe those rumours for a moment. [Pause as he looks Chastity up and down, with another sleazy grin and nostrils flaring] Say, are you really a nun?

Smock: [To Harvey] Yeah! [Looks over at the Tweedletwins with a malicious sneer] Let's get 'em good!

Harvey : [To John] You could distract the soilders whilst we make good our escape!

John : I would be happy to. [Goes to a press which he opens] There are some bonnets here that you could wear.

Alice : For what? As disguises?

John : Huh? Uh, sure, yeah!

Austin : [To Harvey] I believe that John may be trying to distract us to allow the soldiers time to get to us.

Harvey : [Enraged] By the saints! Double crossed again what! [To the party] Quickly grab a disguise and we'll try to sneak away!

Clint: [Digs out the handcuffs] I got an idea. [Motions for Alice to approach him] Let's cuff the bimbo and make like the rest of us are morality police, too. Then we can just waltz right outta this joint.

John : [Annoyed, to Austin] What? Hey, I like people in bonnets - so sue me! Don't forget it was me who warned you in the first place!

John : [Gettting even more sleazily excited] Don't forget her bonnet! [Puts one on himself] Not enough people wear bonnets any more.

Alice : [Puts out her hands a little too quickly] Uh, if I have to. [Looks at Harvey] It's for the good of the party!

Chastity: [Outraged] We'll do no such thing!

Clint: [Ignores Chastity and cuffs Alice] All right, girl, start walking! [nudges Alice toward the door]

John : [Rubbing his hands together] Excellent!

[The soldier doesn't approach, but calls to someone out of sight, who then approaches. This is CAPTAIN DARLING, who the party dealt with previously. DARLING was NUNPAR'S right hand man, and accompanied the party on the Hamstrain, only to turn against them when they were tried for witchcraft. He knows all but SMOCK and MONTY.]

Alice : Uh, won't he recognise us?

Captain Darling ### Darling was a curious mix between being enormously camp and a bloodthirsty ### maniac. He seemed to genuinely be on the party's side, although he was clearly ### working for Nunpar, so the party were very surprised when he testified against ### them.

John : [Putting on a bonnet] Of course, [finger quotes] Sister, I can show you.

[DARLING and the SOLDIER start heading towards the house, with more joining them as they get closer.]

Clint: Damn! All right, where the hell are those bonnets?

Chastity: [Looks at Clint skeptically] Mr. Scar, do you really think a bonnet is going to fool anyone? Hadn't we better look for a back door or another way out?

Monty : Not to worry, we'll undoubtedly cross paths with her again. But in the meantime, we'd best see if we can determine anything about the current situation in town and outside of it, since we've only a guess as to how long we've been here from the perspective of the latter.

Austin : [Starts searching the house for clues] I wonder if she'll ever return to this place?

Smock: [Follows Austin around, also searching, careful to emulate his methods] I reckon she'd be more than bored of it by now! Maybe she'll come back to blow it with some real explosives.

Monty : [Assists in the search.] Ahem. Yes. Do be careful if you find or smell custard powder anywhere.

Austin : [Turns and watches Smock emulating him] This may be her only home, so she may well return. [Frowns as he watches Smock] You should always wear gloves when searching for evidence [Hands Smock a pair of baby albino koala skin gloves] Put these on, or you may contaminate the scene.

Smock: [Brightly] Thanks, Austin! [Puts on the gloves, which are evidently too big for her. To Austin] You sure do have a lot gloves, huh? [Struggles a little picking up a book in the oversized gloves.] So what exactly are we looking for? We already know she's skipped town.

Austin : [To Smock] Anything unusual that you wouldn't expect to find, for example, a canister of placebium, or a photograph of her and BG, an orb, or a voodoo doll, or somesuch.

Monty : If you do find something like that, please don't touch it if you can help it. Some of those things can be quite dangerous.

Smock: [Rummages in a drawer.] What about this? [Holds up a pair of fluffy pink handcuffs.]

Monty : Something that should be put away and forgotten about. Ahem.

Alice : What if we find something like a big envelope with a question mark written on it?

Austin : [To Alice] Then we open it. [Looks at the handcuffs. To Smock] Hmmm, cheap sex toys, what else is there? If you find lots of fire proof items we might be onto something.

Monty : Ahem. [Quietly to Smock.] Please return those to the drawer quickly, before Mr. Scar is incited by their presence.

Smock: [Smirks at Monty.] Okay. [Buries the handcuffs back under clothing that was once neatly arranged. Holding her hands awkwardly so the gloves don't fall off, she wanders over to the figurines.] Well, these things are still here. [Starts poking around.]

Austin : [Carefully neatens the clothing that Smock spoiled. To Smock] You show also be much more careful to leave everything exactly as you found it. These are Dominique's possesions, we're not looters, and she may well return. She did help us escape, as far as we know. [Gets a pair of Dominique's calf skin gloves and hands them to Smock] Try these on for size. I'm sure Dominique wouldn't mind you using them.

Smock: [Swaps Austin's gloves for Dominique's. Hands Austin's gloves back to him. Tries to help neaten what she messed up.] So we're snooping but not leaving any evidence that we did? Doesn't that seem worse? [Studies Austin for a moment. Flexes her fingers inside the gloves that fit and adopts a posture akin to Austin's.]

Alice : We're not snooping, we're investigating! [Looks Smock and Austin up and down quizzically, before also adopting the same position]

Smock: [To Alice] Oh. [Thinks a moment.] Yeah. I s'pose heroes don't snoop. That's what the bad guys do. [Starts 'investigating' the figurines, as precisely and carefully as she can.]

Alice : Exactly! Snooping is a whole lot sneakier - you can check with Austin for some good definitions.

[All but the party figurines have been smashed. As SMOCK checks them out, enter JOHN TOULOUSE, looking quite excited.]

The Party Figurines

John : You've got to get out of here! at the start of this act

Austin : [Stops immediatley] We were just leaving any way [Makes his way to the door. To John] Why the urgency?

John : [Steps in front of Austin to block him from leaving] The Guardians of Uprightness are here to arrest you - on charges of [saliciously licks his lips] moral indency and [clearly quite excited] turpitude. [Eyes light up] Are you guilty?

[The party can see behind JOHN that there are a bunch of soldiers in the town, pushing people around and searching the place.]

### The Guardians of Uprightness are a well known organisation in the Realms, who are ### basically self appointed moral police, who look down upon anyone who doesn't ### subscribe to their repressed ways. All but Monty and Smock have dealt with them before, ### in particular, Joe Nunpar, their leader, who claimed to have liberated Queens View, when, ### in actual fact it was the party. ### At the time, he was with Maria, a well known Realms personality and religious type, ### although the last time the party met her, she had left him

Joe Nunpar

Maria

Smock: [To John with a bemused look] Turpi-what?

Austin : [To John] How do we get out of here without those idiots arresting us?

John : [With a sleazy grin to Smock] Turpitude - it means depraved and debased acts. You know, all the good stuff. [To Austin] I'm not sure, but there's a 10,000 GP reward for your capture. Don't worry, though, I'm sure no one in the town will turn you in after what you did for us.

[The party all peer out again, only to see TWEEDLEBUSH and TWEEDLETONY in conversation with one of the soldiers, and TWEEDLEBUSH pointing over at the house.]

Alice : I hate that guy! porcelain glory

[Book V, Act IV, Scene I. Dominique's House in Metaplasia. ALICE, AUSTIN, CHASTITY, CLINT, MONTY, SMOCK and JOHN TOULOUSE are here. TWEEDLEBUSH, TWEEDLETONY and a SOLDIER are outside, on the opposite side of the street. TWEEDLEBUSH has just pointed out the house, and the SOLDIER is looking over. He isn't coming yet, and has a short distance to make up even when he does.]

Harvey : By the saints! I'll brain those Tweedletwerps!

Chastity: [To John, pointedly stepping in front of Clint and Alice] I can assure you that no one in our party would do anything of the kind. Just look at Mr. Giles. Polite. Well-bred. No hint of sexual appetite. [Pats Monty's arm proudly] And the good Colonel, of course, is the salt of the earth. [Considers Austin and Smock a moment and then adds vaguely] And so forth.

John : But of course! I don't believe those rumours for a moment. [Pause as he looks Chastity up and down, with another sleazy grin and nostrils flaring] Say, are you really a nun?

Smock: [To Harvey] Yeah! [Looks over at the Tweedletwins with a malicious sneer] Let's get 'em good!

Harvey : [To John] You could distract the soilders whilst we make good our escape!

John : I would be happy to. [Goes to a press which he opens] There are some bonnets here that you could wear.

Alice : For what? As disguises?

John : Huh? Uh, sure, yeah!

Austin : [To Harvey] I believe that John may be trying to distract us to allow the soldiers time to get to us.

Harvey : [Enraged] By the saints! Double crossed again what! [To the party] Quickly grab a disguise and we'll try to sneak away!

Clint: [Digs out the handcuffs] I got an idea. [Motions for Alice to approach him] Let's cuff the bimbo and make like the rest of us are morality police, too. Then we can just waltz right outta this joint.

John : [Annoyed, to Austin] What? Hey, I like people in bonnets - so sue me! Don't forget it was me who warned you in the first place!

John : [Gettting even more sleazily excited] Don't forget her bonnet! [Puts one on himself] Not enough people wear bonnets any more.

Alice : [Puts out her hands a little too quickly] Uh, if I have to. [Looks at Harvey] It's for the good of the party!

Chastity: [Outraged] We'll do no such thing!

Clint: [Ignores Chastity and cuffs Alice] All right, girl, start walking! [nudges Alice toward the door]

John : [Rubbing his hands together] Excellent!

[The soldier doesn't approach, but calls to someone out of sight, who then approaches. This is CAPTAIN DARLING, who the party dealt with previously. DARLING was NUNPAR'S right hand man, and accompanied the party on the Hamstrain, only to turn against them when they were tried for witchcraft. He knows all but SMOCK and MONTY.]

Alice : Uh, won't he recognise us?

Captain Darling ### Darling was a curious mix between being enormously camp and a bloodthirsty ### maniac. He seemed to genuinely be on the party's side, although he was clearly ### working for Nunpar, so the party were very surprised when he testified against ### them.

John : [Putting on a bonnet] Of course, [finger quotes] Sister, I can show you.

[DARLING and the SOLDIER start heading towards the house, with more joining them as they get closer.]

Clint: Damn! All right, where the hell are those bonnets?

Chastity: [Looks at Clint skeptically] Mr. Scar, do you really think a bonnet is going to fool anyone? Hadn't we better look for a back door or another way out?

Austin : [To Harvey] My mistake colonel, John is on our side after all! [Frowns as he puts a bonnet on] oh what the hell!

Harvey : [To Austin, putting on a bonnet] What! Make your mind up private Sleaze!

John : [Starts breathing more heavily as he looks Harvey up and down] Most becoming. Most becoming indeed! Now, quickly, out the back way.

[JOHN leads the party to the back door, but there are a number of soldiers outside here too. Meanwhile, the front door is opened by someone.]

Chastity : [Annoyed] How exactly will these bonnets stop us from getting captured?

John : They won't - but they'll make you feel special, and will make for a wonderful photograph for the front of the Daily Metaplasian. The next issue is out in two weeks' time.

Austin : [Sighs. To John] Pervert. [Takes his bonnet off and discards it]

Harvey : [Furiously to Austin ] I say, private Sleaze, if it isn't bad enough to accuse the fellow of treachery, you have to trick us into dressing like ladies! [Takes his bonnet off, headding for the back door]

Alice : [Shaking her still handcuffed fists at John] What do you think we are? Perverts?

[The back door is kicked open, and a number of soldiers stand there, including two rather inappropriately dressed guards, CHIP and DALE.]

Chip : [Does a pelvic thrust] Stop!

Chip

Dale

Austin : [To Chip and Dale, scoldingly] Put some clothes on for heaven's sake! You look like perverts dressed like that, there are ladies present you know!

Chastity: [Briskly whisks out a tea towel and attempts to cover Smock's eyes] Not to mention very young, impressionable children!

Dale : Oh yeah! One GP notes comin' our way!

[CHIP and DALE high five each other.]

Alice : [Gives them her sexiest look] Hi boys, think you can help us escape from those idiot Guardians of Uptightness?

Chip : You fool! We are the Guardians of Uprightness. [To Dale] Put the handcuffs on her!

Austin : [Draws his dagger. To Chip and Dale] How can you be guardians of uprightness if you are dressed like perverts? You must be impostors!

Chip : He's not a perv, he's just very well dressed.

Dale : Click click! [Points at Austin] Nicely accessorised, my friend.

Chip : How do [emphasis] you know what perverts dress like?

Dale : Unless [emphasis] he is a pervert too, Chip!

Chip : That's what it sounds like Dale. Catching the perverts out again!

[CHIP and DALE high five each other, just as CAPTAIN DARLING appears through the front of the house with some more soldiers. The party are completely outnumbered, and only CHIP and DALE are dressed like strippers, with the rest of them wearing normal uniforms.]

Darling : [Gives a big smile to the party] Ah! There you are! You've certainly led us on a merry dance.

Clint: [To Austin] Maybe it's some kinda test? If these fruits turn you on, you're a perv. [Looks pointedly at Austin's crotch] What's the verdict, lawyer?!

Austin : [Puts his dagger away. To Joe] What on earth are you talking about? What merry dance? Explain yourself! hasn't been

Darling : Well now, after your outrageously offensive behaviour was revealed in the tabloids [gently touches Austin's arm, leaning in confidentially] I've got a scrapbook, by the way, if you want to see [normal speaking voice] Colonel Nunpar swooped into action. After all, we can't have people like you corrupting the moral fibre of the Realms - not when there's a savage war going on, can we?

Chastity: [Still trying to shield Smock] There will be no dancing of any kind, you naughty, oily, well-toned boys!

Austin : [Withdrawing his arm quickly from Darling] Stop touching me you filthy pervert! [Wipes his sleeve where Darling touched him] Only a pervert like you would read tabliods! Lies and slander! All of it!

Darling : [Proudly to Chastity] Aren't they just lovely?

Smock : [Trying to see passed Chastity] What's going on? What happened to their shirts?

Clint: [Snorts in amusement] Show us the scrapbook!

Darling : Oh, I don't have it here with me, but I started keeping it the moment the first article came out that proclaimed you were all a bunch of lowlife perverts who were using your newfound fame for nefarious purposes.

Darling : Oh no, my friend, you quite misunderstand the nature of the tabloids. They aren't read by perverts, they just contain stories about perverts so that the morally upright like myself and the lovely Chip and Dale here can become righteously indignant and morally outraged at the stories of your awful, depraved behaviour.

John : [Who had been standing in the background, but now steps forward, looking quite excited] Oh? What behaviour is this? [To the party] Have you been holding out on me?

Chastity: [Appalled] What do you mean [huge emphasis] all?! You're talking to Phili's handmaiden, you know!

Darling : [Big smile] Sure I am, honey.

Monty : Excuse me, a bunch of [distastefully] lowlife perverts who were using our newfound fame for nefarious purposes? One would like to see this article.

Darling : [Fishes a piece of paper out of his pocket and unfolds it] It just so happens I have it with me.

[DARLING holds up the piece of paper, which is the front page of "The Weakly World News", which has a picture of the party (except SMOCK) on it, with the headline "Queens View Party are a Bunch of Lowlife Perverts Who Are Using Their Newfound Fame for Nefarious Purposes".]

Alice : [Looks closely at the page] Hey, I look really good in that picture!

Clint: [Snatches the paper from Alice and studies it himself] You gotta be kidding, bimbo! The way you're arching your back makes your ass look HUGE.

Chastity: [Snatches the paper from Clint and hits him with it repeatedly] Stop reading that filth! [To Darling] Surely no one believes anything printed in this rag!

Alice : [Annoyed] That's not an ass, Clint, it's you!

Darling : If it's in print, it's got to be true. [Snatches it from Chastity, allowing the party to see that the article on the second page is "Boy Trapped in Refrigerator Survives by Eating Own Foot"]

Austin : [To Darling] It's a pitty you're not the stupidity police, you'd have to arrest yourselves.

Harvey : [To Darling] This is an outrage! That tabloid is all lies! [To Austin] Don't you think you should sue the paper or something?

Austin : [To Harvey] No colonel, I'm too busy trying to save the world to waste my valuable time on idiots like this [Gestures to Darling. To Darling] Please hurry up and arrest us or whatever so that I don't have to put up with your idiocy any longer. [Checks Maplin's cuff]

Austin : [Sighs. To John] Pervert. [Takes his bonnet off and discards it]

Harvey : [Furiously to Austin ] I say, private Sleaze, if it isn't bad enough to accuse the fellow of treachery, you have to trick us into dressing like ladies! [Takes his bonnet off, headding for the back door]

Alice : [Shaking her still handcuffed fists at John] What do you think we are? Perverts?

[The back door is kicked open, and a number of soldiers stand there, including two rather inappropriately dressed guards, CHIP and DALE.]

Chip : [Does a pelvic thrust] Stop!

Chip

Dale

Austin : [To Chip and Dale, scoldingly] Put some clothes on for heaven's sake! You look like perverts dressed like that, there are ladies present you know!

Chastity: [Briskly whisks out a tea towel and attempts to cover Smock's eyes] Not to mention very young, impressionable children!

Dale : Oh yeah! One GP notes comin' our way!

[CHIP and DALE high five each other.]

Alice : [Gives them her sexiest look] Hi boys, think you can help us escape from those idiot Guardians of Uptightness?

Chip : You fool! We are the Guardians of Uprightness. [To Dale] Put the handcuffs on her!

Austin : [Draws his dagger. To Chip and Dale] How can you be guardians of uprightness if you are dressed like perverts? You must be impostors!

Chip : He's not a perv, he's just very well dressed.

Dale : Click click! [Points at Austin] Nicely accessorised, my friend.

Chip : How do [emphasis] you know what perverts dress like?

Dale : Unless [emphasis] he is a pervert too, Chip!

Chip : That's what it sounds like Dale. Catching the perverts out again!

[CHIP and DALE high five each other, just as CAPTAIN DARLING appears through the front of the house with some more soldiers. The party are completely outnumbered, and only CHIP and DALE are dressed like strippers, with the rest of them wearing normal uniforms.]

Darling : [Gives a big smile to the party] Ah! There you are! You've certainly led us on a merry dance.

Clint: [To Austin] Maybe it's some kinda test? If these fruits turn you on, you're a perv. [Looks pointedly at Austin's crotch] What's the verdict, lawyer?!

Austin : [Puts his dagger away. To Joe] What on earth are you talking about? What merry dance? Explain yourself! hasn't been

Darling : Well now, after your outrageously offensive behaviour was revealed in the tabloids [gently touches Austin's arm, leaning in confidentially] I've got a scrapbook, by the way, if you want to see [normal speaking voice] Colonel Nunpar swooped into action. After all, we can't have people like you corrupting the moral fibre of the Realms - not when there's a savage war going on, can we?

Chastity: [Still trying to shield Smock] There will be no dancing of any kind, you naughty, oily, well-toned boys!

Austin : [Withdrawing his arm quickly from Darling] Stop touching me you filthy pervert! [Wipes his sleeve where Darling touched him] Only a pervert like you would read tabliods! Lies and slander! All of it!

Darling : [Proudly to Chastity] Aren't they just lovely?

Smock : [Trying to see passed Chastity] What's going on? What happened to their shirts?

Clint: [Snorts in amusement] Show us the scrapbook!

Darling : Oh, I don't have it here with me, but I started keeping it the moment the first article came out that proclaimed you were all a bunch of lowlife perverts who were using your newfound fame for nefarious purposes.

Darling : Oh no, my friend, you quite misunderstand the nature of the tabloids. They aren't read by perverts, they just contain stories about perverts so that the morally upright like myself and the lovely Chip and Dale here can become righteously indignant and morally outraged at the stories of your awful, depraved behaviour.

John : [Who had been standing in the background, but now steps forward, looking quite excited] Oh? What behaviour is this? [To the party] Have you been holding out on me?

Chastity: [Appalled] What do you mean [huge emphasis] all?! You're talking to Phili's handmaiden, you know!

Darling : [Big smile] Sure I am, honey.

Monty : Excuse me, a bunch of [distastefully] lowlife perverts who were using our newfound fame for nefarious purposes? One would like to see this article.

Darling : [Fishes a piece of paper out of his pocket and unfolds it] It just so happens I have it with me.

[DARLING holds up the piece of paper, which is the front page of "The Weakly World News", which has a picture of the party (except SMOCK) on it, with the headline "Queens View Party are a Bunch of Lowlife Perverts Who Are Using Their Newfound Fame for Nefarious Purposes".]

Alice : [Looks closely at the page] Hey, I look really good in that picture!

Clint: [Snatches the paper from Alice and studies it himself] You gotta be kidding, bimbo! The way you're arching your back makes your ass look HUGE.

Chastity: [Snatches the paper from Clint and hits him with it repeatedly] Stop reading that filth! [To Darling] Surely no one believes anything printed in this rag!

Alice : [Annoyed] That's not an ass, Clint, it's you!

Darling : If it's in print, it's got to be true. [Snatches it from Chastity, allowing the party to see that the article on the second page is "Boy Trapped in Refrigerator Survives by Eating Own Foot"]

Austin : [To Darling] It's a pitty you're not the stupidity police, you'd have to arrest yourselves.

Harvey : [To Darling] This is an outrage! That tabloid is all lies! [To Austin] Don't you think you should sue the paper or something?

Austin : [To Harvey] No colonel, I'm too busy trying to save the world to waste my valuable time on idiots like this [Gestures to Darling. To Darling] Please hurry up and arrest us or whatever so that I don't have to put up with your idiocy any longer. [Checks Maplin's cuff]

Smock: What's happening? [Pushes to the front of the party. To Darling, indignantly] You can't arrest them. They just saved this town you know. From a demon. [Crosses her arms, with a typically Austin air of superiority. Points to Chip and Dale.] Why haven't they got proper clothes? And what's a pervert?

Monty : Ahem. Something that you're better off not learning about. [Shakes his head and mutters.] As if this group is competent enough to do anything nefarious in the first place.

Austin : [To Monty, sarcastically] Speak for yourself Mr. Action-not-words! [To Darling] Well come on then! What are you waiting for? If you don't arrest us quickly enough Nunpar won't be able to steal the credit for saving this town!

Smock: [To Darling, backing up Austin] Yeah! Do your worst!

Darling : [To Austin] Ah! That's right. [Thinks for a moment] I mean, I don't know what you're talking about. Do you know what he's talking about, Chip?

Chip : No, Darling.

Darling : Dale, be a doll and take their weapons.

[DALE approaches the party, along with some other soldiers, clearly meaning to take their weapons.]

Smock: [Moves to stand between Dale and the rest of the party. To Dale, defiantly] No, you can't have them!

Darling : Quick, Chip, distract them with your sexy dance!

[One of the other soldiers turns on a ghettoblaster that has dance music pumping out, which is so loud that it is totally distored. Meanwhile, CHIP starts doing a dance that comprises mainly of rubbing himself up and down and doing a few pelvic thrusts, which causes most of the party to look away.]

Alice : [Covering her eyes] Just give him the weapons!

Harvey : [Drawing his sword. To the soilders] Keep your ground! You half naked oiled perverts will have to get past my sword before you get anywhere near the ladies!

Austin : [Draws his dagger. To Smock] Get behind me! [Gestures to Chip and Dale] Don't let them touch you!

Monty : Such lewd behavior is most unacceptable, especially from those who so falsely claim moral purity! [Draws his sword too.]

Darling : [Shakes his head sadly] Oh. Tsk, tsk. That's not really smart, is it? We've got at least fifty men here. Please be smart, [gets all cutesy cutesy] we don't want to hurt you, do we? No, we don't, not at all! [Suddenly surprisingly menacing] But if you don't surrender, will kick the shit out of you. You're wanted dead or alive, and frankly I'd prefer dead. [Draws his sword]

Alice : Uh, Clint? Maybe you should take off these handcuffs now?

Clint: [Draws his sword and joins Austin and Harvey. To Chip and Dale] Keep up that crap and we'll turn you into a couple of well-oiled, beefy broads!

Darling : [Back to his calm demeanour again] What's it to be? You gonna be good little prisoners? Or are you gonna take on the whole G of U? ### G of U == Guardians of Uprightness. The party would have ### heard them called this before

Monty : This party has done more to guard uprightness than you ever will. And it has certainly never put on such an obscene display! [Glances at Alice.] Well, almost never.

Chastity: [Noticing Alice's predicament] Let that be a lesson, young lady!

Clint: [To Darling] Tough call. [Attacks Darling]

Monty : Hardly, Mr. Scar. [Double-teams Darling, but is ready to fend off others.]

Austin : [Puts Alice's sword into her hands for her. To Alice] I hope you've been practicing your two-handed sword play?

Harvey : [Attacks Darling. To the party] Protect the ladies!

Alice : You bet Austin - just don't look directly at their crotches, it could blind you.

Darling : [Ecstatic] Oh yes! [Attacks Harvey]

Austin : [To Darling] We shall end your evil life now!

Harvey : [To the Party] Carve them up! The G of U don't like it up'em! Mikul Cane

Darling : Get the bastards!

John : [Starts photographing the action] Front page tomorrow!

[The soldiers and CHIP and DALE also get involved. CLINT and MONTY attack DARLING, while HARVEY and AUSTIN get intercepted by soldiers. CHIP attacks ALICE and DALE attacks MONTY.]

Map

Darling : I love this! [Swings and misses Clint, who also misses.]

[MONTY delivers a devasting blow to DARLING, and knocks him unconscious, and then gets hit by an outraged, but still dancing DALE.]

Alice : Yay! He killed their darling! [Hits Chip, who misses her]

[HARVEY swings at SOLDIER A and misses, but is knocked out in return. Meanwhile SOLDIER B hits AUSTIN, who stabs him in return, but doesn't inflict much damage.]

John : [Photographing the whole thing] Beautiful! Beautiful! It's just a pity no one's wearing their bonnets!

Monty : [Puts his sword to Darling's throat.] Back off, or your Darling leader gets it! [If forced, makes good on his threat before turning his sword upon Dale.]

Clint: [Attacks Dale. To Monty] Damn, egghead! Didn't know you had it in you!

[The soldiers back off, as JOHN takes an incriminating photo of MONTY. CLINT swings at DALE, who parries the blow, but doesn't attempt to hit back.]

John : Whoohoo! Weakly World News, here I come! [Runs off]

Alice : [To Chip] Now, give me the key to these handcuffs!

Chip : But... they're not our handcuffs!

Alice : Monts, kill their Darling.

Chip : Okay! Okay! [Throws her a key]

Clint: [Nudges Harvey gently with his foot] Chas, better get a look at the old man. [Watches Alice trying to unlock the cuffs on her hands without assistance, amused] Need some help?

Alice : [Unlocks the cuffs] I'm not an idiot, you know. [Suddenly realises that she has locked herself onto a pipe, and that she has dropped the key so it is now just out of reach] Gah!

Alice : Don't point that thing at me, Clint, I've seen how far up your nose it's been - I don't want it touching me!

[ALICE helps CHASTITY check out HARVEY, who's now stirring.]

Chip : You'll never get away with this! The G of U will hunt you down relentlessly!

Clint: [Swaggers over to the dropped key and taunts Alice] Nice going, genius! [Unlocks the cuffs and slips them into his pocket along with the key, which quietly promptly drops through a hole in his pocket, unnoticed. Finger gun at Alice] Click-click!

Darling : Get the bastards!

John : [Starts photographing the action] Front page tomorrow!

[The soldiers and CHIP and DALE also get involved. CLINT and MONTY attack DARLING, while HARVEY and AUSTIN get intercepted by soldiers. CHIP attacks ALICE and DALE attacks MONTY.]

Map

Darling : I love this! [Swings and misses Clint, who also misses.]

[MONTY delivers a devasting blow to DARLING, and knocks him unconscious, and then gets hit by an outraged, but still dancing DALE.]

Alice : Yay! He killed their darling! [Hits Chip, who misses her]

[HARVEY swings at SOLDIER A and misses, but is knocked out in return. Meanwhile SOLDIER B hits AUSTIN, who stabs him in return, but doesn't inflict much damage.]

John : [Photographing the whole thing] Beautiful! Beautiful! It's just a pity no one's wearing their bonnets!

Monty : [Puts his sword to Darling's throat.] Back off, or your Darling leader gets it! [If forced, makes good on his threat before turning his sword upon Dale.]

Clint: [Attacks Dale. To Monty] Damn, egghead! Didn't know you had it in you!

[The soldiers back off, as JOHN takes an incriminating photo of MONTY. CLINT swings at DALE, who parries the blow, but doesn't attempt to hit back.]

John : Whoohoo! Weakly World News, here I come! [Runs off]

Alice : [To Chip] Now, give me the key to these handcuffs!

Chip : But... they're not our handcuffs!

Alice : Monts, kill their Darling.

Chip : Okay! Okay! [Throws her a key]

Clint: [Nudges Harvey gently with his foot] Chas, better get a look at the old man. [Watches Alice trying to unlock the cuffs on her hands without assistance, amused] Need some help?

Alice : [Unlocks the cuffs] I'm not an idiot, you know. [Suddenly realises that she has locked herself onto a pipe, and that she has dropped the key so it is now just out of reach] Gah!

Alice : Don't point that thing at me, Clint, I've seen how far up your nose it's been - I don't want it touching me!

[ALICE helps CHASTITY check out HARVEY, who's now stirring.]

Chip : You'll never get away with this! The G of U will hunt you down relentlessly!

Clint: [Swaggers over to the dropped key and taunts Alice] Nice going, genius! [Unlocks the cuffs and slips them into his pocket along with the key, which quietly promptly drops through a hole in his pocket, unnoticed. Finger gun at Alice] Click-click!

Smock: [With a most ecstatic expression, to the party] That was awesome!! [Caught up the moment, she mimicks a few swipes with an imaginary sword and pokes her tongue at Chip and Dale.] You guys suck! [Grimaces] And you [emphasis] really need to put some clothes on!

Austin : [Helps Harvey to his feet] Come on Colonel, we have to get moving!

Harvey : What! [Looks around at the situation] Splendid work troop! Private Sleaze, appropriate a vehicle and we'll get the ladies to safety!

Smock: Hold on! [To Austin and Harvey] Heroic action dictates that you have to humiliate the bad guys and leave them indisposed before you ride off into the sunset. [To Clint, with a devious grin] Hey Clint, get out those marvellous handcuffs!

Harvey : [To Smock] Now, now, cadet Smock! These fools are confused enough without us adding humiliation to their stupidity!

Alice : [Looks over the twooooooo, before turning to Smock] Let's give them a pedicure!

Clint: [Whips out the handcuffs and hands them to Smock] Here, kid! [A bit too enthusiastically] What color polish you got, Bimbo?

Alice : [Quickly fishes out a bottle] I got me some slut red!

Clint: [Beams appreciatively] Why doesn't that surprise me? Here, me and the kid'll hold them down, and you can paint them.

Chastity: [Snatches the bottle of polish from Alice] That's enough! [To Harvey] Colonel, hadn't we better get moving? Surely we aren't safe from further threat from the Sleaze Police.

Alice : C'mon, Chas! It'll be great! [Pulls off one of Chip's shoes, which is made in a similar break away mode to a stripper's pants, revealing that his nails are already painted an even sluttier red] Hey!

Monty : [Keeps an eye on Darling to ensure that he isn't waking up and able to escape his predicament.] Ahem. May I suggest that we simply depart and return to headquarters, given that our business in this town is now complete? After all, if these people... barely... were pursuing that fabricated news, then it must be old by now.

Dale : [Sneers at Monty] Dream on! There are fifty Guardians of Uprightness in the town, you'll never get out of here alive.

Monty : [Still keeping an eye on Darling.] Mr. Scar, please bring those handcuffs over here. We ought to take this fellow in with us so that he can answer for his crimes and [slightly emphasized] indiscretions.

Harvey : [To Monty] Well of course we are taking the prisoner with us! How else do you expect us to get out of the town? Private Scar, handcuff the prisoner now and lets get moving! [Marches towards the door] Private Montgomery, I order you to kill the prisoner if they try to interfere with our retreat! [In a colonel shout] Troop into formation, at the double!

Chip : [Glares at Dale] Nice one, genius!

Dale : [To Monty] Well, good luck finding transport out of here!

Monty : [Still keeping an eye on Darling.] [To Dale.] Oh? How did you arrive, then? Surely you didn't all walk the whole way, or you'd never have the energy left for those unseemly gyrations.

Dale : By carriage, you idiot!

Chastity: [Pops Dale with a rolled up tea towel] Quiet, slave! [Primly refolds the towel. To Dale, sternly] Take us to your carriage, young man!

Dale : Ow! You got me with the corner! That really hurt! I'll take you, but it won't be of any use.

Austn : [To Dale] And why is that?

Dale : [As though speaking to an idiot] Because it's illegal for a non G of U representative to drive any of our vehicles.

Austin : [Giggles] Right you are then! [Smirks. To the party, sarcastically] It sounds like Darling might have to drive. Let's go [Heads to the door with Harvey keeping the formation together, dagger at the ready]

[Exit the party and DARLING, with CLINT and MONTY holding him.]

Chip : [Angrily to Dale] You fool! What the hell did you tell that for? I'm so angry now, I don't even want to talk to you - ever again! Nothing you can say is going to make me change my mind.

[CHIP and DALE glare at each other for a few seconds.]

Dale : I really like your nail polish.

Chip : [With a big smile] Really? Aw, thanks!

Monty : [Ensures that Darling remains under control whilst the party marches out.] Ahem. Best check whether he has keys, Mr. Sleaze. Otherwise, Dale shall have to place them slowly upon the ground and back away so that you may retrieve them. [Book V, Act IV, Scene II. The Streets of Metaplasia. ALICE, AUSTIN, CHASTITY, CLINT, MONTY, HARVEY, SMOCK and DARLING are here, as are about forty G of U soldiers, who are dressed in more traditional soldier fare that CHIP and DALE were. There are a number of carriages here, all painted bright orange, and with "Guardians of Uprightness -

Moral Crusade 1280 : The Salvation or Death Tour" painted on them in big, friendly letters.]

Darling : [Now conscious, but firmly held (and handcuffed) between Clint and Monty] You'll never get away with this. All of our carriages are locked with a combination lock, and only high ranking Guardians know it. I'd rather die than let perverts like you take one. [To Clint, in a genuine tone] You think you could make those cuffs a little tighter?

Clint: [Obligingly] Sure, freak. If you'll unlock one of those carriages for us, of course.

Monty : [To Darling, still keeping an eye on him.] So you know the codes, but no one else here does? If any do, then please let us know who else we should interrogate.

Darling : A few of us do, but no one will tell you. I'd sooner die a thousand deaths than tell a tweeded piece of scum like you. [To the party] You're all nothing but shit. [Nicely to Alice] Except you, sweetheart, you've got lovely nail polish.

Monty : I see. [To Clint.] I suppose that means that you'll have to force open the door. [To Austin.] And you fiddle with the reins so that the horses will get going.

Darling : [Laughs at Monty] Those reins are unfiddle-ibble, the door unforceable and I unintimatidate-ibble. [Gets very, very serious] You are surrounded by the crack squad of the G of U. Every last man would give his life before he'd see scum like you take off in one of our carriages. Not a single one would even consider helping you.

[Enter BODDY, stepping forward from a group of soldiers, wearing a G of U uniform over a Hawaiian shirt and smoking a cheeseratte.]

Boddy : Well said, Darling, but you are too valuable to lose. Let me take your place, and let the perverts take the carriage - I have complete faith that you will track down the scum and save me. [Blows a huge cloud of cheese fumes in the party's direction] Perverts.

Darling : [Taken aback] Thank you, soldier. I can't say I approve of the nonstandard union, nor the use of what I hope is a tobacco product, but I'm most grateful - as, I'm sure, will the entire realms, when they realise what a blow you've made for morality.

Mr. Boddy

Harvey : By the saints, now that's what I call an act of bravery, what! Some poor private willing to take the place of his superior! Very well, we will make the switch, but only if Darling gives up the combination lock. We will take you both a little outside of town, before carrying on with the private and releasing Darling.

Darling : I'll give you the combination, you blood suckers.

Boddy : Careful, Darling, get them to free you first. [Points at Clint with the cheeseratte] That one's eyes are set a bit too close together for my liking.

Monty : [Glances at Clint, then back at Darling and Boddy.] Yes, perhaps they are, but as a Watcher of the Order of the Hierophantic Knights, if I give my word that the trade will be fairly made, then fairly made it shall be! We agree to this arrangement, certainly so!

Harvey : [To Boddy] Good grief, sir, know your place in the scheme of things and don't dare talk down to an officer, what! Our terms are not negotiable, so open the carriage and we'll be off and Darling can have a short walk back to his troops!

Boddy : A Watcher of the what? What's that? Some kind of librarian? [Looks at Harvey] Sorry, Gramps.

Darling : [To the party] How do I know you won't kill me when I give you the combination?

Harvey : Because sir, that would leave us open to attack from your men.

Smock: [Hovering around, alternating between making faces at the soldiers and gazing at the party in awe - particularly Monty. To the party, with an eager look] What can I do?

Monty : [To Smock.] Perhaps you can keep an eye on the rest of the soldiers to ensure that none of them are up to anything sneaky? But do be careful not to get close to any of them, lest they attempt to snatch you.

Smock: [Gazing at Monty like she were a teenage fan and he a rock star] For sure, Monty! [Diligently takes up position watching the party’s back, a stern look studying every soldier.] Don't try anything sneaky, punks!

Monty : [To Darling, still keeping an eye on him.] So you know the codes, but no one else here does? If any do, then please let us know who else we should interrogate.

Darling : A few of us do, but no one will tell you. I'd sooner die a thousand deaths than tell a tweeded piece of scum like you. [To the party] You're all nothing but shit. [Nicely to Alice] Except you, sweetheart, you've got lovely nail polish.

Monty : I see. [To Clint.] I suppose that means that you'll have to force open the door. [To Austin.] And you fiddle with the reins so that the horses will get going.

Darling : [Laughs at Monty] Those reins are unfiddle-ibble, the door unforceable and I unintimatidate-ibble. [Gets very, very serious] You are surrounded by the crack squad of the G of U. Every last man would give his life before he'd see scum like you take off in one of our carriages. Not a single one would even consider helping you.

[Enter BODDY, stepping forward from a group of soldiers, wearing a G of U uniform over a Hawaiian shirt and smoking a cheeseratte.]

Boddy : Well said, Darling, but you are too valuable to lose. Let me take your place, and let the perverts take the carriage - I have complete faith that you will track down the scum and save me. [Blows a huge cloud of cheese fumes in the party's direction] Perverts.

Darling : [Taken aback] Thank you, soldier. I can't say I approve of the nonstandard union, nor the use of what I hope is a tobacco product, but I'm most grateful - as, I'm sure, will the entire realms, when they realise what a blow you've made for morality.

Mr. Boddy

Harvey : By the saints, now that's what I call an act of bravery, what! Some poor private willing to take the place of his superior! Very well, we will make the switch, but only if Darling gives up the combination lock. We will take you both a little outside of town, before carrying on with the private and releasing Darling.

Darling : I'll give you the combination, you blood suckers.

Boddy : Careful, Darling, get them to free you first. [Points at Clint with the cheeseratte] That one's eyes are set a bit too close together for my liking.

Monty : [Glances at Clint, then back at Darling and Boddy.] Yes, perhaps they are, but as a Watcher of the Order of the Hierophantic Knights, if I give my word that the trade will be fairly made, then fairly made it shall be! We agree to this arrangement, certainly so!

Harvey : [To Boddy] Good grief, sir, know your place in the scheme of things and don't dare talk down to an officer, what! Our terms are not negotiable, so open the carriage and we'll be off and Darling can have a short walk back to his troops!

Boddy : A Watcher of the what? What's that? Some kind of librarian? [Looks at Harvey] Sorry, Gramps.

Darling : [To the party] How do I know you won't kill me when I give you the combination?

Harvey : Because sir, that would leave us open to attack from your men.

Smock: [Hovering around, alternating between making faces at the soldiers and gazing at the party in awe - particularly Monty. To the party, with an eager look] What can I do?

Monty : [To Smock.] Perhaps you can keep an eye on the rest of the soldiers to ensure that none of them are up to anything sneaky? But do be careful not to get close to any of them, lest they attempt to snatch you.

Smock: [Gazing at Monty like she were a teenage fan and he a rock star] For sure, Monty! [Diligently takes up position watching the party’s back, a stern look studying every soldier.] Don't try anything sneaky, punks!

Austin : [Adding to Smock's threat, with a sinister and disturbing smile] Yeah, or she'll execute every single one of you!

Smock: [Smirks deviously at Austin, clearly excited at being elevated to a potential threat. Gives the soldiers a cold stare before whispering conspiratorially to Austin.] Do you always have this much fun?

Darling : Oh now! This just isn't fair! Now you've got two hostages!

Boddy : Oh for God's sake! Just let him go - I know the combination.

Austin : [Whispers conspiratorially back to Smock] Never miss an opportunity for fun, it makes the enemy very, very nervous [Giggles, looking at Darling. To Monty] You might as well let him go, we only have time to torture one of them anyway [Does a matter of fact shrug, then gestures to Boddy] He looks like he'll live longer under torture anyway!

Boddy : As long as the torture doesn't involve listening to you perverts, I can take it.

Darling : [Tearing up] He's just so brave!

Darling : [Runs to Chip and Dale] Oh, I thought I'd never get away from them! [To Boddy] Keep the faith, brother!

Boddy : Sure. I'll see if I can withstand the temptations put forward by these moral degenerates. [Offers his cheeseratte to the party] Let's get the hell out of here. If I have to keep up this level of morality for a moment longer, I'm gonna be sick.

Monty : Oh, very well. But I rather was hoping that this one would be held to account. [Releases Darling.] Off you go, then, whilst we carry on with this other hostage.

Austin : [Taking the cheeseratte from Boddy and taking a deep draw, blows a smoke ring, then offers the cheeseratte to Alice. To Boddy] I'm suprised you have anything left in your stomach.

Harvey : Alright troop, let's get this carriage open and be on our way from all this half dressed guardian tomfoolery!

Monty : Yes, quite. [To Boddy, indicating the nearest unblocked escape vehicle.] The combination, if you would?

Smock: [With the sweetest looking expression she can muster] Can I drive?

Austin : [To Smock] If you have to ask, {leans in to Smock then of course you can. If Alice doesn't mind that is, she's really keen!

Monty : [Matter-of-factly to Smock.] Being in a vehicle which Alice is driving is something that must be experienced to be believed. And you won't soon forget it, either.

Smock: [Gives a cutesy smile to Austin. To Monty and Austin] So do you guys have a cool hero carriage with special weapons and ultra fast lightning speed?

Clint: [Annoyed] You people are spoiling this brat rotten! [To Smock] You're NOT driving, kid.

Austin : [To Clint, scoldingly] That's Cadet Smock to you Private Stinky! [To Smock] We have had many cool carriages, however all of them have been wrecked in daredevil rescues, escapes and chases! [Checks his nails, coily] So we tend to borrow [Winks at Smock, adjusting his cuff] them now.

Clint: [Suddenly excited] That's true! We live on the edge, all right! [To Austin] Tell her about the time the bimbo [mimicks driving a carriage wildly, then pantomimes a huge wreck, dropping to the ground and making extremely loud explosion noises as he does it]. [Looks up from the ground at Austin] Remember?!

Austin : [Allows the silence to fall as the entire army and the party stare at Clint rolling in the mud making noises.] Hmm, I remember several such occasions Mr Scar. [To Harvey, checking his nails briefly] Colonel, perhaps we could leave before Private Scar attracts the Guardians of Sanity. [Smirks]

Harvey : [Momentarily distracted by Clint. To Austin] What! Oh, absolutley Private Sleaze. Alright troop! Into the carriage. [To Boddy] Would you be so kind as to unlock the combination, we'll defer the torture till later if you don't mind [Gets into the carriage when opened]

Chastity: [Glares at Clint in disapproval] Mr. Scar! Control yourself!

Clint: [Attempts to casually get back on his feet, whistling nonchalantly as he does. To Boddy] So, we gonna get moving or what? [Attempts to brush the mud off his shirt in an Austin-like manner and succeeds only in making both his hands and shirt far dirtier]

Harvey : [To Austin] Perhaps both the guardians of sanity and sanitary will be after us, what! [Laughs loudly] Now, let's be away before private Scars muddy antics make tomorrows front pages!

Darling : [Runs to Chip and Dale] Oh, I thought I'd never get away from them! [To Boddy] Keep the faith, brother!

Boddy : Sure. I'll see if I can withstand the temptations put forward by these moral degenerates. [Offers his cheeseratte to the party] Let's get the hell out of here. If I have to keep up this level of morality for a moment longer, I'm gonna be sick.

Monty : Oh, very well. But I rather was hoping that this one would be held to account. [Releases Darling.] Off you go, then, whilst we carry on with this other hostage.

Austin : [Taking the cheeseratte from Boddy and taking a deep draw, blows a smoke ring, then offers the cheeseratte to Alice. To Boddy] I'm suprised you have anything left in your stomach.

Harvey : Alright troop, let's get this carriage open and be on our way from all this half dressed guardian tomfoolery!

Monty : Yes, quite. [To Boddy, indicating the nearest unblocked escape vehicle.] The combination, if you would?

Smock: [With the sweetest looking expression she can muster] Can I drive?

Austin : [To Smock] If you have to ask, {leans in to Smock then of course you can. If Alice doesn't mind that is, she's really keen!

Monty : [Matter-of-factly to Smock.] Being in a vehicle which Alice is driving is something that must be experienced to be believed. And you won't soon forget it, either.

Smock: [Gives a cutesy smile to Austin. To Monty and Austin] So do you guys have a cool hero carriage with special weapons and ultra fast lightning speed?

Clint: [Annoyed] You people are spoiling this brat rotten! [To Smock] You're NOT driving, kid.

Austin : [To Clint, scoldingly] That's Cadet Smock to you Private Stinky! [To Smock] We have had many cool carriages, however all of them have been wrecked in daredevil rescues, escapes and chases! [Checks his nails, coily] So we tend to borrow [Winks at Smock, adjusting his cuff] them now.

Clint: [Suddenly excited] That's true! We live on the edge, all right! [To Austin] Tell her about the time the bimbo [mimicks driving a carriage wildly, then pantomimes a huge wreck, dropping to the ground and making extremely loud explosion noises as he does it]. [Looks up from the ground at Austin] Remember?!

Austin : [Allows the silence to fall as the entire army and the party stare at Clint rolling in the mud making noises.] Hmm, I remember several such occasions Mr Scar. [To Harvey, checking his nails briefly] Colonel, perhaps we could leave before Private Scar attracts the Guardians of Sanity. [Smirks]

Harvey : [Momentarily distracted by Clint. To Austin] What! Oh, absolutley Private Sleaze. Alright troop! Into the carriage. [To Boddy] Would you be so kind as to unlock the combination, we'll defer the torture till later if you don't mind [Gets into the carriage when opened]

Chastity: [Glares at Clint in disapproval] Mr. Scar! Control yourself!

Clint: [Attempts to casually get back on his feet, whistling nonchalantly as he does. To Boddy] So, we gonna get moving or what? [Attempts to brush the mud off his shirt in an Austin-like manner and succeeds only in making both his hands and shirt far dirtier]

Harvey : [To Austin] Perhaps both the guardians of sanity and sanitary will be after us, what! [Laughs loudly] Now, let's be away before private Scars muddy antics make tomorrows front pages!

Smock: [Brattily pokes her tongue at Clint.] Yeah. He'll probably take up the whole page with his fat head.

Austin : [To Harvey] Indeed colonel, though I fear that the guardians of sanitary would not dare venture within a mile of Mr Scar, lets they be contaminated. [Smiles at Smock as she pokes her tongue out at Clint]

Harvey : By the saints, private Sleaze, you're undoubtedly correct! [To Smock] Now now cadet, we'll have none of that tongue wavery at another member of the troop now, do you hear me, eh?

Smock: [Retracts her tongue. To Harvey, resignedly] Yes, sir.

Chastity: [Nods approvingly at Harvey] Well done, Colonel. We must use a firm hand with the girl and do all we can to keep her from becoming an [subtle glance at Alice] embarrassment.

Clint: [Glares at Smock] Real mature, kid. [Surreptitiously bites his thumb at Smock]

Austin : [To Clint] Comming from someone who's only claim on maturity is wholly based upon the fungus between his toes, I'm not suprised. long!

Clint: [Snorts] Me?! You're the one flirting with an eight-year-old girl!

Austin : [Grimaces] Ewww gross! Only you Mr. Scar would think that was flirting! Your depraved mind truly has no bounds! [Turns and goes over to the carriage]

Chastity: [Disgusted] Mr. Scar, have you no shame?! [Swats Clint with a rolled up tea towel and briskly joins Austin at the carriage]

Smock: [Scowls at Clint] I am not eight! [Turns her nose up in the air, and pointedly turns away from Clint, following on the tail of Austin and Chastity.]

Clint: [Crosses his arms and growls] What the hell is wrong with everybody today?! [Storms toward the carriage, following the others at an appropriately sulky distance]

Austin : [To Clint] There is nothing wrong with US, Mr Scar.

Smock: [To Clint, snidely] You must have got some mud in your ears that dirtied your brains or something... wait a minute - [with a glare] what brain?

Chastity: [To Austin] Perhaps the Little Private is giving him some trouble?

Austin : [To Chastity] Probably sister. It's likely that he still hasn't overcome his feelings of insecurity due to his Little Private being bereft of one of it's marbles.

Clint: [Furious] Damn you, lawyer! You know the Big General's got his whole troop together again! I'd show you, but I wouldn't want you to get the wrong idea or anything, fruit.

Harvey : Calm yourself private Scar! Of course we're all together again, that's obvious for all to see, what! Oh, and I'm a colonel, not a general, eh!

Boddy : Let's see now, what was the combination again? [Thinks for a moment] Ah yes, four. [Presses the four button on the lock, which causes the carriage to open] No offence, girls, but it's going to take a three point turn to get out of here, so I think I'd better drive. [Sits into the driving seat and revs up the horses]

Alice : You're a pig, Boddy.

Boddy : Sure, but a pig that can drive. [Revs up the horses loudly] the game - I bite my

Monty : [Frowns at Clint.] Covered in mud and large-framed as he is, I would suggest that Mr. Scar take the other front seat whilst the rest of us occupy the back in a reasonable state of cleanliness. [Holds the door open for Chastity and Alice in proper gentlemanly fashion.]

Smock: [Frowns at the lock. Looks at Boddy and then to the lock again.] That's it? Four? [To Alice] I though you had maths powers. Couldn't you have done that?

Austin : [To Smock] It's not really maths is it? Just like it's not really a combination, since there is only one number. [Looks at Boddy getting into the driving seat, Smirks] Anyway, it's illegal for the girls to drive a G of U vehicle. [Grins]

Smock: [To Austin] That's a stupid law. And since when do heroes trust a hostage to drive their getaway vehicle? [Frowns at Boddy. Bustles her way into the carriage.]

Austin : [To Smock] Well if he's dumb enough to volunteer for torture and certain death, then he's probably [Emphasis] nearly as good at driving as Alice, but not quite.

Alice : [Fixes Austin with an angry glare for a moment, before breaking into a big smile] Aw! Thanks Aussie!

Clint: [Disgruntled. To Smock] You're right, kid. This is a pretty lame getaway. [Brightens] Maybe we should play some wild and crazy party games to liven things up! [To Austin and Alice] Got any hooch? Or cheese?

Smock: [Sticking her head out of the carriage door] Well, if our driver pig gets shot by a stray arrow when they [jabs a thumb toward the G of Us] pursue us, I wanna see Alice drive! [Grins at Alice. To Clint] I got some cards. [Fishes a deck of tatty, dirty cards out of her pocket and proffers them to Clint.] There's some missing but.

Clint: [Takes the cards skeptically and begins shuffling] What the hell can you play if you've got missing cards?

Chastity: [Mending a tea towel] Mr. Scar, why not take this opportunity to teach young Smock a math lesson. You could use the cards as a learning tool. [To Smock, sweetly] How far did you progress in school, dear?

Austin : [Gets into the carriage carefully avoiding Clint's filth] No Mr Scar, I have no intoxicating substances of any sort.

Clint: [To Austin] What?! Come on, lawyer! You've always got a stash! [To Smock, still shuffling] Hey, kid, wanna play 52 Card Pick-up?

Smock: [Still leaning out of the carriage. To Chastity] Well, I never made it to the classroom, but I did get into the kitchen once. That was fantastic! [Drifts off for a moment in the memory of culinary indulgence. To Clint] Sure! But I don't have fifty two cards...

Chastity: [Tucks away her now-mended tea towel and enters the carriage. To Smock] Then I shall take it upon myself to provide you with an education! We'll begin our first lesson right now. [Gives Smock a long, hard look and then barks] Sit up straight! Keep your knees together! Stop chewing your hair!

Clint: [Pockets the cards and boards the carriage, cramming into the seat next to Austin. To Austin] Damn, lawyer! Wearing enough cologne?! [Waves his hand in front of his face and wrinkles his nose distastefully]

Smock: [Sits bolt upright at Chastity's sudden orders, quickly pulling her hair out of her mouth. To Chastity, looking more than a little scared] Yes, ma'am.

Monty : [Helpfully to Chastity.] Perhaps you might ease into it a little more gently, sister? I don't think that she's quite used to such forceful methodology.

Austin : [Jumps up and out of the way before Clint's filthy clothes touch him, and takes a seat at the other end] Look out you clumsy buffoon!

Boddy : [Turns around in the driver's seat] Look! if you kids can't behave yourself, I'm just going to turn this carriage around and go back to the Guardians!

Clint: [Stretches out to take up the space Austin just vacated. To the party] Wake me up when we get there!

Chastity: [To Smock, sweetly] Good girl. Now, please recite the alphabet for me. Backwards. [Takes out a tea towel and begins embroidering it]

Smock: [Points accusingly at Clint. To Boddy] He started it!

Smock: [Quietly to Austin] What's an alphabet?

Austin : [To Chastity] Surely you show make sure that Smock can recite it forwards before asking her to do so backwards? [Rolls a cheesearette, lights up and takes a deep draw, blowing some smoke rings]

Boddy : [Turns around in the driver's seat] Look! if you kids can't behave yourself, I'm just going to turn this carriage around and go back to the Guardians!

Clint: [Stretches out to take up the space Austin just vacated. To the party] Wake me up when we get there!

Chastity: [To Smock, sweetly] Good girl. Now, please recite the alphabet for me. Backwards. [Takes out a tea towel and begins embroidering it]

Smock: [Points accusingly at Clint. To Boddy] He started it!

Smock: [Quietly to Austin] What's an alphabet?

Austin : [To Chastity] Surely you show make sure that Smock can recite it forwards before asking her to do so backwards? [Rolls a cheesearette, lights up and takes a deep draw, blowing some smoke rings]

Alice : Don't worry about it, Smock, it's a kind of sobriety test that mean old cops apply to young drivers.

Boddy : [Drives off] So, celebrities now, eh?

Monty : Ahem. Perhaps you might enlighten us as to what has transpired in the outside world? We've been trapped in a time loop for several days, and I'm not even certain how much outside time passed whilst we were on the inside.

Clint: [Spies the Austin's cheesearette and sits upright] Wait a minute, lawyer! You said you didn't have any cheese!

Chastity: [Glares at Alice. To Smock, wearily] Sit up straight and don't speak until you're spoken to, then. [To Boddy] If by celebrities you mean people who have wrongly been smeared in a very public way, then yes.

Smock: [To Alice] But I didn't even get to drive!

Boddy : It's all been about the rise of the New Religious. They're taking over from the old, unprogressive organisations.

Alice : You mean, they're not against cheese eating, free love and general tolerance?

Boddy : Oh, sure they are. They just call themselves new because it sounds cooler.

Monty : More self-righteous than those guardians whom we just left behind, I see. Ahem. It's always something...

Alice : And until such time as you can recite the alphabet backwards, you won't get to, either!

Austin : [Takes a deep draw and passes the cheesearette to Alice. To Clint] I don't have any cheese, shows Clint his empty gloved hands. To Smock The alphabet is the name used to refer to all of the letters that we use in our speech and written language, I'll write them down for you [Makes the notes on is notepad, tears the page out and give it to Smock] It's very boring, but quite useful sometimes.

Smock: [To Austin, with a smile of realisation] Oh - I didn't know they had to go in an order. [Settles down to studying the notepaper.] So does that mean that Alice is special because she starts with an 'a' and that comes first?

Alice : [To Smock] Ah, don't worry about the order too much - all you need to now is that A comes first and the sleepy one comes last. Sure Stinky. [Hands over the cheeseratte]

Boddy : [Intercepts the cheeseratte] There'll be no smoking of that filthy stuff while I'm driving. [Takes a smoke himself]

Chastity: [Smiles at Austin in approval] Thank you for your assistance, Mr. Sleaze. [To Smock] Oh, yes, Alice is indeed very [finger quotes] special. However, the order of the letters in the alphabet has nothing to do with that. The order is arbitrary, but necessary, to preserve order and promote consistency of thought among unruly children.

Clint: [To Alice, watching her take Austin's cheesearette] Hey, Bimbo, got any cheese?

Smock: [Grimaces at Chastity.] That does sound boring. [Shoves the piece of paper into her pocket. To Boddy] Where are we going?

Clint: [Yelps as the cheesearette is confiscated] Oh, come on! What the hell am I gonna do to ease the pain, now?!

Chastity: [To Smock] Learning may sound dull to a youngster like you, but I urge you to think of your future. Would you rather be ignorant [gestures sadly to Clint] or educated [gestures proudly at Monty]. [Gravely] It's your choice.

Alice : That's right, Smock, you too could turn out just like Monty! Wouldn't that be great? To be just like Monty? To be all serious? To know lots of stuff about filing?

Boddy : We're not going anywhere in particular - I was just rescuing you.

Clint: [Snorts] Some rescue! You're treating us like prisoners.

Smock: [Looks between Clint and Monty. To Chastity and Alice] I want to be like Monty! He's the greatest! He got that Darling guy - [excitedly pantomimes the small scuffle that happened with the G of Us, adding her own action movie sound effects, seemingly unaware of the confined space.] He was like 'bam!', 'pow!', 'back off, punks!'...

Boddy : [Laughs at Clint] Sure I am. [Passes him the cheeseratte] Whatever happened to your sense of humour, Clint. Fall in love or something?

Boddy : [Turning around to watch, as the rest of the party dodge and duck to avoid being punched] Way to go Monty. Our very own Kent Clark.

Clint: [To Smock, annoyed] What?! That's the first and only time the egghead's done anything cool, believe me! [Snaps at Boddy] Hell, no, I'm not in love!

Alice : He so is, Boddy! And guess what she told us she once did! [Leans forward and whispers something to Boddy]

Boddy : [Takes the whispering very calmly, and stays silent for a few moments, before jamming on the brakes, and sending everyone flying from their seats] I think you need to find that girl, Clint.

Clint: [To Boddy, sulking] She ditched out on me. She's not interested.

Chastity: [Glares disapprovingly at Clint] Don't sulk, Mr. Scar. You're setting a very bad example for certain little ladies.

Boddy : Tell your Uncle Boddy all about it - did she have another reason? Some kind of ex-boyfriend maybe?

Alice : Well, just that guy Adam, and the demon, of course?

Boddy : Demon, eh? [Lights up a cheeseratte] Let's get her back.

Alice : He so is, Boddy! And guess what she told us she once did! [Leans forward and whispers something to Boddy]

Boddy : [Takes the whispering very calmly, and stays silent for a few moments, before jamming on the brakes, and sending everyone flying from their seats] I think you need to find that girl, Clint.

Clint: [To Boddy, sulking] She ditched out on me. She's not interested.

Chastity: [Glares disapprovingly at Clint] Don't sulk, Mr. Scar. You're setting a very bad example for certain little ladies.

Boddy : Tell your Uncle Boddy all about it - did she have another reason? Some kind of ex-boyfriend maybe?

Alice : Well, just that guy Adam, and the demon, of course?

Boddy : Demon, eh? [Lights up a cheeseratte] Let's get her back.

Clint: [Jumps to his feet] Let's do it! [To Boddy] Any idea where we might find a smoking hot kinky broad?

Smock: [Complaining] I want to know what Dominique did.

Boddy : [Gazes passed Clint at Alice] Sure. [Back to Clint] It might be difficult to track down your girl unless she really stands out, though.

Austin : [To Boddy] She really does stand out. [Adjusts a cuff] She bears a striking resemblance to both Nicole and Danielle. [Pauses, pondering. To Chastity] Of course the order of the alphabet is important to an extent as it represents the etymology of the alphabet and our language, even if it no longer recapitulates the ontology of our language. [Glances at the view out of the window]

Boddy : Is that a fact? [Thinks for a moment] Will she stand out amongst this lot? [Points out through one of the tinted windows, where the party can see that all the women are wearing burqa like headscarves, covering up their faces]

Alice : Oh, she definitely will. She's not wearing one of those scarf things.

Austin : We could shout 'Custard Bomb!', and see who ducks first.

Alice : Perfect plan, Aussie! Especially if she's on this street!

Austin : [To Boddy] She really does stand out. [Adjusts a cuff] She bears a striking resemblance to both Nicole and Danielle. [Pauses, pondering. To Chastity] Of course the order of the alphabet is important to an extent as it represents the etymology of the alphabet and our language, even if it no longer recapitulates the ontology of our language. [Glances at the view out of the window]

Boddy : Is that a fact? [Thinks for a moment] Will she stand out amongst this lot? [Points out through one of the tinted windows, where the party can see that all the women are wearing burqa like headscarves, covering up their faces]

Alice : Oh, she definitely will. She's not wearing one of those scarf things.

Austin : We could shout 'Custard Bomb!', and see who ducks first.

Alice : Perfect plan, Aussie! Especially if she's on this street!

Smock: [Breaking off her perplexed stare at Austin and his alphabet comments, sticks her head out a window and yells] Custard bomb!

[No one ducks, although a few people look over at the carriage.]

Austin : [Looks to see who ducks. To Smock] Keep your eyes peeled!

Monty : Ahem. Apparently she's not here. Or else she's even more quick on the uptake than previously thought. [To Smock.] Well-shouted, nonetheless. We'll have to keep that trick in reserve.

Alice : What's with the veils, Boddy?

Boddy : That's part of the New Religion. Apparently it's sinful for women to tempt men. All women must now cover up.

[The carriage rounds a corner, and the party see a huge, building size poster of MARIA, posing seductively in a teeny tiny bikini.]

Maria Lastfrom Conor #99.

Monty : [Looking hastily away from the poster with a slightly nauseous expression.] Ahem. Apparently the limitation doesn't apply in print?

Boddy : Not to her.

Monty : Pity, that. Ahem. Well, the first order of business would be to obtain suitable coverings. Ah... would not Sister Chastity's vestments count in her case? Also, what is the penalty applied to those who fail to follow this 'new tradition'?

Boddy : They get stoned.

Alice : [Excited] Yay! I like this new religion!

Boddy : [Shakes his head slowly, before carrying on] I doubt it, Monty. We probably need to find somewhere that's selling them so we can preserve, uh, fake some modesty for the females.

Smock: [Crossing her arms] No way I'm wearing one of those stupid veils. [Shakes her head] Nuh uh. No way.

Boddy : [Shrugs] Sure.

Harvey : What would happen if the Cadet refuses to wear one? Don't tell me the blackguards would stone her to death with big rocks too!

Boddy : [Holds up his index finger and thumb an inch apart] Smaller stones.

Austin : [To Smock] You could disguise yourself as a boy instead?

Smock: [Crossing her arms] No way I'm wearing one of those stupid veils. [Shakes her head] Nuh uh. No way.

Boddy : [Shrugs] Sure.

Harvey : What would happen if the Cadet refuses to wear one? Don't tell me the blackguards would stone her to death with big rocks too!

Boddy : [Holds up his index finger and thumb an inch apart] Smaller stones.

Austin : [To Smock] You could disguise yourself as a boy instead?

Alice : Good idea! I'll do the same. Maybe we could borrow some clothes from you Austin? [Face drops] Oh, that's right, we need to look like we're male.

Smock: [To Austin with a smile] Yeah - that sounds heaps better!

Austin : [To Alice] Would you rather she borrowed some clothes from Stinky? The colonel's would hardly fit [To Harvey] No offense intended,

Harvey : [To Austin] Non taken, what! [Pats his stomach proudly]

Austin : [To Alice] and we can't have her dressed like a prole [Looks at Montys clothes]

Alice : I'm sure Stinky's will be fine. I mean, how bad can they be?

Clint : Here you go. [Holds up a filthy garment]

Alice : What is it? A tank top?

Clint : Nah, an underpants.

Alice : [To Austin] Say Aus, you've loads of lovely clothes, don't you?

Smock: [Grimaces at Clint's dirty underpants] Eww. I want to look like a boy, not become exposed to fungus and disease.

Austin : [To Alice] Yes, I do. [To Smock] Allow me to choose you some suitable garments [Starts going through his bag, tutting, hummming, shaking his head quite alot and eventually produces a hand embroidered evening blue silk jeans by Gorgious Harmony, a well matched silk shirt by Thumby Hillfingerer, and a very dashing trilby, by Ta-da. Hands them to Smock] Perhaps sister Chastity can make some adjustments to make them fit you?

Clint : Aw, come on, kid! That's what being a boy is all about, especially if you're going to hang around girls like Alice!

Alice : [Angrily] What? What's that supposed to mean?

Clint : Just that you're very pretty.

Alice : [All smiles] Aw! Thanks Clint! How nice!

Chastity : What sort of adjustments do you want me to make, Mister Sleaze? Turn them into male clothing, maybe?

Smock: Wow. [Watching closely as Austin rummages.] Look at all your fancy stuff! [Accepts the outfit with a sense of being honoured.] Thanks, Austin. You're the best! [To Chastity] Maybe I should try it on first to see if it fits. [Sits down to take off her shoes, clearly meaning to change then and there.]

Austin : [To Chastity] Comming from someone wearing a sack, I'll take that as a complement.

Chastity: [Mortified. Barks at Smock] Stop right there! [Whisks out a dozen tea towels and stitches them together with astonishing quickness to produce a makeshift curtain, which she holds in front of Smock to shield her as she changes] Now, you may continue.

Clint: [To Boddy] What kind of a place keeps its women all wrapped up?! How on earth are they supposed to earn a living, hiding their best assets like that??

Monty : [Conversationally.] I'm surprised that one of those "liberation" movements hasn't begun a campaign over the issue. [To Boddy.] Or have they, and simply not reached here yet?

Austin : [Looking at the women's clothes] Hmmm, it would suit Chastity though, very her. Especially the sack over the head bit. Like it. [Checks his nails]

Boddy : Oh, they have, Monts. It's the WLA who're behind the whole thing.

Monty : [Slightly surprised.] Really? How did they rationalize this one?

Boddy : It's all about protecting them from being ravaged by men who can't control themselves, and it has the added bonus of men now being able to concentrate on their jobs with constantly being bombarded by the sight of beautiful women.

[The party pass another huge poster of MARIA, this time in sexy lingerie and a highly inappropriate skimpy nun's outfit. She's kneeling, and looking particularly virginal, and the tagline "Let's Pray" runs along the bottom.]

Alice : WLA?

Boddy : Women's Liberation Army.

Monty : [Dubiously.] I see. So they're bombarded with inappropriate portraits of underclothed women instead. The vicinity of these things must be quite accident-prone, given the heightened contrast. [Takes a wary look around.]

[Everyone peers out the same window as MONTY, and sees that there is an inordinately high number of wrecked carriages dotted around the big posters.]

Alice : This WLA thing - surely someone's trying to stop them?

Boddy : Sure, there are a few other organisations too. The WLO, the PWM, the UWM, the UWM [aside] yes, that's a different UWM, they just have the same acronym as the first [continues] the new PWM, the provisional PWM, and the Extreme PWM.

Alice : And how come -

Boddy : [Interrupting as he continues] The WFF, the FFF, the AMS, the FLO and the PMT.

Clint: [Craning his neck to see the poster] So, what, all anybody does anymore is form groups to oppose other groups?!

Chastity: [After glaring at Austin for several minutes, too angry to speak, snaps at Austin] Mr. Sleaze, I know a man of your moral fiber wouldn't know this, but [emphasis, gesturing to herself] this is how a modest woman dresses!

Alice : [Looks down at her own clothes for a moment, before turning to Chastity] Gee, Sister, you must have an awful lot to be modest about!

Boddy : Oh, no, Clint. They're all splinter groups, although Eva's is the strongest. Someone should really do something about it. ### Maria is often referred to as Eva

Clint: [To Boddy] Why don't you? Me, I couldn't live in a place where women weren't free to shake their moneymakers. [Gets a little teary-eyed thinking of the tragedy]

Chastity: [To Alice] Well, you see, pleasures of the flesh are fleeting, like youthful good looks and firm, unwrinkled skin. But you can see that for yourself, of course, as age creeps into your features, day by day.

Alice : Then you must have seen a [emphasis] lot of days, Chas!

Boddy : [Shrugs at Clint] Meah. I suppose I would, if I could find an irrepressibly perky group to help.

Clint: [To Alice] Hey! [Huge emphasis] We're irrepressibly perky!

Clint: [To Boddy] Why don't you? Me, I couldn't live in a place where women weren't free to shake their moneymakers. [Gets a little teary-eyed thinking of the tragedy]

Chastity: [To Alice] Well, you see, pleasures of the flesh are fleeting, like youthful good looks and firm, unwrinkled skin. But you can see that for yourself, of course, as age creeps into your features, day by day.

Alice : Then you must have seen a [emphasis] lot of days, Chas!

Boddy : [Shrugs at Clint] Meah. I suppose I would, if I could find an irrepressibly perky group to help.

Clint: [To Alice] Hey! [Huge emphasis] We're irrepressibly perky!

Austin : [Looking back into the carriage, away from the wrecks and posters. To Chastity, assesing her ample girth] There's nothing *modest* about you sister.

Smock: [Jumps out from behind Chastity's tea towel curtain, dressed in Austin's slightly-oversized clothing.] Ta-da! Do I look like a boy yet? [To Chastity and Alice] So does that mean that if you have wrinkly skin like Chastity you have to cover it up, but if you're pretty like Alice you don't have to?

Chastity : How unfortunate, Mr. Sleaze, that one can say the same about you.

Alice : So, if we're going to take down the WLA, where do we start?

Austin : [Chuckles with delight] Yes, indeed sister, my modestly is legendary. [Pauses] Why I don't think I have even introduced Cadet Smock to Maplin yet. [Waggles his finger at Chastity, gleefully] Astounding modesty, I think you'll agree!

Smock: [Pulling up her sleeves, to Austin, intrigued] Who's Maplin?

Alice : [Covers her eyes with her hand] Oh no!

Austin : [Like a proud father. To Smock I'll show you in a minute, let's just sort your clothes out first, you look just waay to cute at the moment Rolls Smock's sleeves and jeans up to a suitable height and adjusts her trilby to a rakish tilt] There we are, you look like a top fashion model now! Now you can have a peek at Maplin [Austin rolls up Maplin's sleeve, and show's Maplin (His forearm) to Smock] Revel in the glory that is the most beautiful forearm in the world! [Shows Smock how beautiful Maplin is]

Smock: [Looks at Austin's arm, clearly confused. Turns to the rest of the party, as if to confirm that it's not a joke, back to Maplin and finally to Austin.] Are you for real?

Ausitn : [Nodding to Smock] Yes!, Yes it's real! Hard to believe [Rolls Maplin's sleeve back down. Sighs, looks out of the window] If only the rest of the world was as beautiful.

Smock: [Looking at Austin with a mixture of disbelief and perplexity, lost for words.] Uh. Yeah. If only. [Tears her eyes away from Austin. To Boddy] So how do we get rid of all these veils then?

Clint: [To Boddy] Why don't you? Me, I couldn't live in a place where women weren't free to shake their moneymakers. [Gets a little teary-eyed thinking of the tragedy]

Chastity: [To Alice] Well, you see, pleasures of the flesh are fleeting, like youthful good looks and firm, unwrinkled skin. But you can see that for yourself, of course, as age creeps into your features, day by day.

Alice : Then you must have seen a [emphasis] lot of days, Chas!

Boddy : [Shrugs at Clint] Meah. I suppose I would, if I could find an irrepressibly perky group to help.

Clint: [To Alice] Hey! [Huge emphasis] We're irrepressibly perky!

Austin : [Looking back into the carriage, away from the wrecks and posters. To Chastity, assesing her ample girth] There's nothing *modest* about you sister.

Smock: [Jumps out from behind Chastity's tea towel curtain, dressed in Austin's slightly-oversized clothing.] Ta-da! Do I look like a boy yet? [To Chastity and Alice] So does that mean that if you have wrinkly skin like Chastity you have to cover it up, but if you're pretty like Alice you don't have to?

Chastity : How unfortunate, Mr. Sleaze, that one can say the same about you.

Alice : So, if we're going to take down the WLA, where do we start?

Austin : [Chuckles with delight] Yes, indeed sister, my modestly is legendary. [Pauses] Why I don't think I have even introduced Cadet Smock to Maplin yet. [Waggles his finger at Chastity, gleefully] Astounding modesty, I think you'll agree!

Smock: [Pulling up her sleeves, to Austin, intrigued] Who's Maplin?

Alice : [Covers her eyes with her hand] Oh no!

Austin : [Like a proud father. To Smock I'll show you in a minute, let's just sort your clothes out first, you look just waay to cute at the moment Rolls Smock's sleeves and jeans up to a suitable height and adjusts her trilby to a rakish tilt] There we are, you look like a top fashion model now! Now you can have a peek at Maplin [Austin rolls up Maplin's sleeve, and show's Maplin (His forearm) to Smock] Revel in the glory that is the most beautiful forearm in the world! [Shows Smock how beautiful Maplin is]

Smock: [Looks at Austin's arm, clearly confused. Turns to the rest of the party, as if to confirm that it's not a joke, back to Maplin and finally to Austin.] Are you for real?

Ausitn : [Nodding to Smock] Yes!, Yes it's real! Hard to believe [Rolls Maplin's sleeve back down. Sighs, looks out of the window] If only the rest of the world was as beautiful.

Smock: [Looking at Austin with a mixture of disbelief and perplexity, lost for words.] Uh. Yeah. If only. [Tears her eyes away from Austin. To Boddy] So how do we get rid of all these veils then?

Alice : Now ask him about the [emphasis] other one, Smock. [Dryly] It's almost as nice.

Boddy : [Stops the carriage once more and points out] Probably by killing her.

[A passing woman looks up, startled.]

Woman : Who me?

Boddy : No, her. [Points at yet another huge poster of Eva, in yet another highly inappropriate pose, of a schoolgirl bent forward and a tagline "Do you need to REPENT?"]

Smock: [To Alice, almost fearfully] The other one has a name too? [Changes the subject, trying not to think about it. To Boddy] What's so hard about that? She doesn't even wear any clothes - it should be easy to stick a blade through her.

Smock: [To Boddy, with a dismissive wave] That's alright. [Proudly] Cuz these guys are heroes and they can beat anyone they want! They even fought a demon and some furniture, and blew up a mine with custard!

Alice : Ah, it's okay, Smock, because it's a cool name, like Derek, or something.

Boddy : [To Smock] It's not so much the little plaid kilt that protects her, rather the crazed Adamites who follow her around. ### These were the followers of Adam Torque, and arch-right wing religious ### leader who was killed by Dangsten (accompanied by Darius, a soul ### mate of Boddy, who's generally hated by the party, even though he ### saved Harvey's life). Adam also tried to assassinate Eva, an attempt that ### was foiled by the party

Boddy : That's okay then, because overturning an oppressive religious regime is virtually the same as breaking furniture.

Austin : [To Boddy] As long as it's not the kind of furniture that is more dangerous than a demon, we're okay.

Monty : Assuming, for the moment, that we choose to take on this task, whereabouts is she to be found, and how large a contingent defends her?

Boddy : I'm not sure.

[Time passes, and BODDY lights a cheeseratte.]

Alice : Not sure about what?

Boddy : This cheeseratte - it tastes a little off to me.

[The party can see on a nearby wall a poster reading "Tonight Only! The New Time Revival featuring Eva" along with various details of where and when. It is clearly on locally, and in a few hours time.]

Chastity: [Pats Monty's arm approvingly] Excellent questions, Mr. Giles! I only wish some of the others [glances less-than-subtly at every member of the party except Harvey] would follow your lead and stay focused on the task at hand.

Alice : [Glares at Smock] Yeah! Some people are too preoccupied with trying to stay alive!

Clint: Hey! Why don't we just head to the revival?! [Points at the poster triumphantly]

Smock: [To Clint] If she's already at a revival, is killing her even going to work?

Austin : [To Boddy] As long as it's not the kind of furniture that is more dangerous than a demon, we're okay.

Monty : Assuming, for the moment, that we choose to take on this task, whereabouts is she to be found, and how large a contingent defends her?

Boddy : I'm not sure.

[Time passes, and BODDY lights a cheeseratte.]

Alice : Not sure about what?

Boddy : This cheeseratte - it tastes a little off to me.

[The party can see on a nearby wall a poster reading "Tonight Only! The New Time Revival featuring Eva" along with various details of where and when. It is clearly on locally, and in a few hours time.]

Chastity: [Pats Monty's arm approvingly] Excellent questions, Mr. Giles! I only wish some of the others [glances less-than-subtly at every member of the party except Harvey] would follow your lead and stay focused on the task at hand.

Alice : [Glares at Smock] Yeah! Some people are too preoccupied with trying to stay alive!

Clint: Hey! Why don't we just head to the revival?! [Points at the poster triumphantly]

Smock: [To Clint] If she's already at a revival, is killing her even going to work?

Chastity : Oh, you foolish child! What does it matter if it works or not? At least it'll give you lot a chance to get some of that good old fashioned religion. Even if it is the new type.

Smock: [To Chastity] It matters cuz I don't wanna get stoned to death, even if you religious weirdos get your kicks outta it. If you kill her and she just comes on back to life with all these crazy zealots hanging around, then I think we'd be pretty screwed. Besides, I don't want any part of this religion if I have to go round for the rest of my life under a big ol' sheet.

Chastity : Oh dear, oh dear. I didn't understand one word you said. Sit up properly and enunciate, child. Encunciate!

Austin : [Watching Chastity with his usual disdainful gaze] Well I'll have no part in killing Eva. She's done nothing to us, and as far as I can see she not our enemy. [To Chastity] Here you are advocating murder, and you're telling us we need religous instruction. Psycho!

Chastity: [Appalled, shaking with anger] I never suggested or advocated murder, Mr. Sleaze! And I'll thank you to stop calling me names, you common, low-life thieving scum!

Clint: [To Alice, amused] I'm putting twenty on the nun. What's your bet?

Alice : [Nods in agreement] I'm with you, Stinky. After all, she's got god on her side. Quoting Conor Ryan :

Austin : [To Chastity] You lying cow! You did so advocate murder! Boddy suggested it, Monty thought about it, Smock pointed out the flaws, [Quoting Smock, from his note pad] "If she's already at a revival, is killing her even going to work?" and you said, and I quote! [Quotes Chastity] "Oh, you foolish child! What does it matter if it works or not? At least it'll give you lot a chance to get some of that good old fashioned religion. Even if it is the new type." That is advocating murder is it not? [Closes his notepad with a satisfied snap] And just for the record, my parents were both of very high standing! My mother was a high court judge!

Harvey : [Thundering] By the saints! Behave yourself, Private Sleaze! The Sister did no such thing!

Alice : [Puts on her glasses to look all lawyer like] I believe the it to which the good Sister referred was the stopping of Maria's new religion, not the act of killing her. [Takes off her glasses] So, Austin, do you write down everything people say?

Chastity: [Flustered, nods at Alice] Of course that's what I meant! [To Austin, still shaking with fury] And for the record, Mr. Sleaze, I don't care if your parents were the king and queen themselves! That doesn't change the content of your character one bit! You're still an odious little weasel!!

Clint: [To Austin, trying to see his notebook] Did you draw a picture of that couch-broad I drew?!

Austin : [To Clint] No [Laughs] I didn't have any of that written down at all. I was just pointing out some facts. Just glad to see that Chasser's anger management class have worked.

Alice : But you were completely wrong, weren't you, Aus? I mean, you just accused Chastity of something, in front of witnesses, with no proof whatsoever. Maybe she should sue you? Chas, know any good lawyers?

Chastity: [Looks at Austin pointedly and answers Alice] No, I don't. [Gives Austin a withering stare and then turns her attention to moodily disassembling her tea-towel curtain]

Boddy : [Turns around in his seat] If you kids don't start behaving, I'm gonna turn this carriage around!

[The carriage pulls up outside a large field which contains a huge tent. There are a number of large placards here, advertising MARIA's appearance tonight.]

[Book V, Act IV, Scene III. The Revival. ALICE, AUSTIN, CHASTITY, CLINT, HARVEY, MONTY, SMOCK and BODDY are here. ALICE and SMOCK have reasonable disguises on them, while CHASTITY has her normal habit on. There are quite a few people queuing here, and all the women are wearing scarves that pretty much cover all but their eyes. There are a number of G of U soldiers about, as well as two well dressed men, both of whom are wearing jaunty looking hats. These are TEMPLETON STETSON and ROSELLINI LUARO, and they seem to be in charge. TEMPLETON approaches the carriage angrily, and knocks on the door, which BODDY opens.]

Templeton : You just parked on top of a Holy Trinket stall!

Boddy : Okay. [Slams the door in his face]

Rosellini

Templeton

Smock: [To Boddy] Hey! [Opens the door and jumps out. Straightens out her fancy clothes, much like Austin might, and smiles at Templeton.] Hi, mister. I like your hat.

Smock: [With a sweet smile] But I'm not allowed to drive.

Templeton : Of course you do. It is a very attractive hat. Move this carriage immediately!

Clint: [Hops out of the carriage and joins Smock. To Templeton] What seems to be the problem, officer?

Templeton : [Points at the flattened stall] Your carriage is parked on one of our stalls.

Monty : [To Boddy.] Perhaps it would be best not to provoke the situation. Could you park a little bit back - carefully, so as not to flatten anything else?

Smock: What's the point of getting off it if it's already wrecked?

Clint: [Nods] Exactly! [To Templeton] Now that that's settled, we're heading to the revival [grabs Smock's arm and starts moving past Templeton].

Chastity: [Peering out of the carriage. To Templeton] Young man! Give me a hand, here!

Templeton : Not if you step out of the carriage looking like that!

Boddy : Sure thing, Monts. [Reverses off the stall]

Smock: [Protesting to Clint] Oy! Ya big oaf! [Struggles to keep up with Clint's longer strides.]

Rosellini : [Who's collecting payment from the people in the queue] Ah ah! There's a queue, my friends. You must wait just a little longer for salvation.

Templeton : [Pointing into the carriage at Chastity] What about her? You can't bring her in looking like that!

Alice : Why? What's the problem? [Realises she's used her normal voice, and then speaks in a deep and completely fake one] I mean, why? What's the problem, er, mate? [Chummily punches Templeton in the shoulder] And, uh, how about them, um, local sports team?

Templeton : [Looks down at where Alice punched him] Technincally, that's assault. [To the party in general] She needs to be covered up.

Monty : [Sighs.] Isn't that always the way? Very well then, we shall wait.

Clint: [Instantly bored and fidgety] Damn, how long we gotta wait?! [To Alice] Wanna play a game or something?

Chastity: [Dons the reassembled tea-towel curtain. To Templeton] Now will you help me down?

Smock: [To Alice, enthusiastically] Why don't you show us how you can burp the whole alphabet! [Pulls out the piece of paper that Austin wrote the alphabet on and hands it to Alice.]

Templeton : Okay, but that had better not slip - we don't want a riot in there from men being exposed to female flesh.

[The queue isn't too long, and will just be a minute or two.]

Alice : [To Clint in her man's voice] Only if it's a man's game, like farting, or scratching, or killing things for our women to cook.

Smock: [Complaining] What? We have to wait in line? [Looks at what Rosellini is doing] And we have to pay too? [Glances back at Monty, clearly disheartened by his attitude. To Clint] Come on. Use your famousness.

Clint: [To Alice, eagerly] No, fart the alphabet! Anyone can burp it!

Chastity: [Repulsed] Children! We are here for spiritual guidance, not games!

Alice : [Confused as she takes the paper, but then waves it dismissively at Smock] I'm too much of a man to be bothered with letters and such.

[The party find themselves at the head of the queue.]

Rosellini : [With a pleasant smile to the party] Hi! How are [emphasis] you? Blessed be.

Alice : [To Clint] Ew! Well, I suppose it's what a big, tough man like me would do. Let's see, what's the first one again? [Takes a look at the piece of paper, before concentrating for a moment, after which her look of concentration is replaced by one of horror] Oops! I think I did a little poo!

Chastity: [Stares at Alice, horrified. Steps to the front of the party. To Rosellini] Blessed be. We are delighted to be here tonight.

Clint: [Laughs hysterically at Alice, unable to speak]

Rosellini : [Smile flickers a moment, but comes back] Did your friend say that he did a [as though surprised to hear himself say the words] little poo?

Harvey : [Stepping up beside Chastity] By the saints, sir! No! A thousand times no! He said he did a little new, that's all it was!

Rosellini : Excellent! [To Chastity] Now, it's five GP each for the revival, but that's the base package. You can also get a cleansing in the Holy Milk for an extra two GP, and attend the stonings for another five - or six if you want to participate. The best value today is our Super Saviour Set - just ten GP for all of the above, plus a free gift of your choice from one of these exciting items. Templeton, what have we got today?

Templeton : [Produces a small table from beneath his coat] A clock radio, a telephone shaped like a rugby ball and a silver plated pen.

Alice : But you were completely wrong, weren't you, Aus? I mean, you just accused Chastity of something, in front of witnesses, with no proof whatsoever. Maybe she should sue you? Chas, know any good lawyers?

Chastity: [Looks at Austin pointedly and answers Alice] No, I don't. [Gives Austin a withering stare and then turns her attention to moodily disassembling her tea-towel curtain]

Boddy : [Turns around in his seat] If you kids don't start behaving, I'm gonna turn this carriage around!

[The carriage pulls up outside a large field which contains a huge tent. There are a number of large placards here, advertising MARIA's appearance tonight.]

[Book V, Act IV, Scene III. The Revival. ALICE, AUSTIN, CHASTITY, CLINT, HARVEY, MONTY, SMOCK and BODDY are here. ALICE and SMOCK have reasonable disguises on them, while CHASTITY has her normal habit on. There are quite a few people queuing here, and all the women are wearing scarves that pretty much cover all but their eyes. There are a number of G of U soldiers about, as well as two well dressed men, both of whom are wearing jaunty looking hats. These are TEMPLETON STETSON and ROSELLINI LUARO, and they seem to be in charge. TEMPLETON approaches the carriage angrily, and knocks on the door, which BODDY opens.]

Templeton : You just parked on top of a Holy Trinket stall!

Boddy : Okay. [Slams the door in his face]

Rosellini

Templeton

Smock: [To Boddy] Hey! [Opens the door and jumps out. Straightens out her fancy clothes, much like Austin might, and smiles at Templeton.] Hi, mister. I like your hat.

Smock: [With a sweet smile] But I'm not allowed to drive.

Templeton : Of course you do. It is a very attractive hat. Move this carriage immediately!

Clint: [Hops out of the carriage and joins Smock. To Templeton] What seems to be the problem, officer?

Templeton : [Points at the flattened stall] Your carriage is parked on one of our stalls.

Monty : [To Boddy.] Perhaps it would be best not to provoke the situation. Could you park a little bit back - carefully, so as not to flatten anything else?

Smock: What's the point of getting off it if it's already wrecked?

Clint: [Nods] Exactly! [To Templeton] Now that that's settled, we're heading to the revival [grabs Smock's arm and starts moving past Templeton].

Chastity: [Peering out of the carriage. To Templeton] Young man! Give me a hand, here!

Templeton : Not if you step out of the carriage looking like that!

Boddy : Sure thing, Monts. [Reverses off the stall]

Smock: [Protesting to Clint] Oy! Ya big oaf! [Struggles to keep up with Clint's longer strides.]

Rosellini : [Who's collecting payment from the people in the queue] Ah ah! There's a queue, my friends. You must wait just a little longer for salvation.

Templeton : [Pointing into the carriage at Chastity] What about her? You can't bring her in looking like that!

Alice : Why? What's the problem? [Realises she's used her normal voice, and then speaks in a deep and completely fake one] I mean, why? What's the problem, er, mate? [Chummily punches Templeton in the shoulder] And, uh, how about them, um, local sports team?

Templeton : [Looks down at where Alice punched him] Technincally, that's assault. [To the party in general] She needs to be covered up.

Monty : [Sighs.] Isn't that always the way? Very well then, we shall wait.

Clint: [Instantly bored and fidgety] Damn, how long we gotta wait?! [To Alice] Wanna play a game or something?

Chastity: [Dons the reassembled tea-towel curtain. To Templeton] Now will you help me down?

Smock: [To Alice, enthusiastically] Why don't you show us how you can burp the whole alphabet! [Pulls out the piece of paper that Austin wrote the alphabet on and hands it to Alice.]

Templeton : Okay, but that had better not slip - we don't want a riot in there from men being exposed to female flesh.

[The queue isn't too long, and will just be a minute or two.]

Alice : [To Clint in her man's voice] Only if it's a man's game, like farting, or scratching, or killing things for our women to cook.

Smock: [Complaining] What? We have to wait in line? [Looks at what Rosellini is doing] And we have to pay too? [Glances back at Monty, clearly disheartened by his attitude. To Clint] Come on. Use your famousness.

Clint: [To Alice, eagerly] No, fart the alphabet! Anyone can burp it!

Chastity: [Repulsed] Children! We are here for spiritual guidance, not games!

Alice : [Confused as she takes the paper, but then waves it dismissively at Smock] I'm too much of a man to be bothered with letters and such.

[The party find themselves at the head of the queue.]

Rosellini : [With a pleasant smile to the party] Hi! How are [emphasis] you? Blessed be.

Alice : [To Clint] Ew! Well, I suppose it's what a big, tough man like me would do. Let's see, what's the first one again? [Takes a look at the piece of paper, before concentrating for a moment, after which her look of concentration is replaced by one of horror] Oops! I think I did a little poo!

Chastity: [Stares at Alice, horrified. Steps to the front of the party. To Rosellini] Blessed be. We are delighted to be here tonight.

Clint: [Laughs hysterically at Alice, unable to speak]

Rosellini : [Smile flickers a moment, but comes back] Did your friend say that he did a [as though surprised to hear himself say the words] little poo?

Harvey : [Stepping up beside Chastity] By the saints, sir! No! A thousand times no! He said he did a little new, that's all it was!

Rosellini : Excellent! [To Chastity] Now, it's five GP each for the revival, but that's the base package. You can also get a cleansing in the Holy Milk for an extra two GP, and attend the stonings for another five - or six if you want to participate. The best value today is our Super Saviour Set - just ten GP for all of the above, plus a free gift of your choice from one of these exciting items. Templeton, what have we got today?

Templeton : [Produces a small table from beneath his coat] A clock radio, a telephone shaped like a rugby ball and a silver plated pen.

Austin : [Sighs. To Templeton] You're waisting your time. You're waisting mine too, but since I have nothing better to do with it than follow this lot around you're welcome.

Harvey : [To Templeton] No sir, we are fine for relgious trinkets, eh, we're just here to attend the gathering!

Templeton : But look! The clock radio plays religious tunes when the alarm goes off, and you can set it to go off each time you want to pray.

Alice : How does that work? You just turn it off?

[TEMPLETON looks outraged.]

Rosellini : [Holding a hand up to Templeton, giving a big smile] Calm, my brother. Are you sure you don't at least want to attend the stonings? We've got some great ones today! [Pats a programme of events]

Austin : [Snootily to Rosellini] No thank you, we are not bloodthirsty barbarians. Who is it that judges those who are stoned anyway? What crimes did they commit?

Rosellini : [With an arrogant flare of the nostrils] Do I detect some dissension?

Monty : [Politely, in stark contrast to Austin.] Actually, may I inquire who is scheduled to be stoned at this gathering?

Rosellini : Of [emphasis] course you may. We have a mixture today, some Blasphemors and several women who refused to cover themselves up. [Picks up the programme and flicks through it quickly] Twenty six in total.

Alice : Hey! Did anyone else catch Dominique's picture in there?

Monty : [To the others.] Ahem. It does sound as though the stoning may be worth attending, then. Shall we?

Rosellini : Excellent! That's 10 GP each please.

Clint: [Attempts to grab the program from Rosselini] What?! Let me see!

Chastity: [Takes Monty's arm] I fear you are correct, Mr. Giles. [Drops her voice lower] It's all so horrible, though some of those girls are probably better off, given their disobedient and wild natures.

Rosellini : Of course! [Lets Clint take the programme]

[CLINT flicks through the pages, each of which is a picture of a person who is to be stoned that afternoon, and quickly comes to DOMINIQUE's picture.]

Boddy : [Looking over his shoulder] That's her.

Clint: [Throws the program at Rosellini and roars] Damn it, that's my woman!!! [Attempts to storm past Rosellini and enter the revival]

Chastity: [Worriedly calls after Clint] Mr. Scar! We haven't paid yet! [To Austin, sweetly] Mr. Sleaze? Don't you have your duck winnings to spare? [Adds primly] After all, those are ill-gotten gains, surely better used in the service of good and not for drink or whores.

Rosellini : [Suffering from a severe paper cut to the arm] Ow! Stop! Guards!

[A group of guards at the gate step forward.]

Rosellini : While of [emphasis] course I understand your desire to stone these harlots, you cannot enter without paying.

Monty : [To Rosellini.] Yes, of course. Our apologies. Mr. Scar does get quite carried away over these sorts of things.

Rosellini : That will be 70GP for your group.

Clint: [Impatiently, to Austin] Pay the man, lawyer!

Chastity: Oh, dear. [To the party, quietly] Two of us will need to stay behind. Young Smock shouldn't see this, of course, but who will chaperone her?

Boddy : [To Rosellini] Make that seven. [Turns and punches Austin hard in the face, knocking him to the ground] You fucking moron. We're here to save his girl.

Boddy : [Slams eighty GP on the counter] Give me eight Super Saviours. [Turns to Templeton] I want six clocks and two phones, have them waiting here for me when I come out.

Austin : [To Chastity] I shall chaperone Smock, but I shall not pay for anyone until Mr Scar asks me politely.

Rosellini : [Suffering from a severe paper cut to the arm] Ow! Stop! Guards!

[A group of guards at the gate step forward.]

Rosellini : While of [emphasis] course I understand your desire to stone these harlots, you cannot enter without paying.

Monty : [To Rosellini.] Yes, of course. Our apologies. Mr. Scar does get quite carried away over these sorts of things.

Rosellini : That will be 70GP for your group.

Clint: [Impatiently, to Austin] Pay the man, lawyer!

Chastity: Oh, dear. [To the party, quietly] Two of us will need to stay behind. Young Smock shouldn't see this, of course, but who will chaperone her?

Boddy : [To Rosellini] Make that seven. [Turns and punches Austin hard in the face, knocking him to the ground] You fucking moron. We're here to save his girl.

Boddy : [Slams eighty GP on the counter] Give me eight Super Saviours. [Turns to Templeton] I want six clocks and two phones, have them waiting here for me when I come out.

Austin : [To Chastity] I shall chaperone Smock, but I shall not pay for anyone until Mr Scar asks me politely.

Smock: [Angrily to Boddy] Hey, ya big bully! [Kicks Boddy in the shin.]

[SMOCK connects with BODDY's shin, causing a grunt, but no apparent damage. He reaches out and holds her at bay by catching her forehead, gently but firmly.]

Boddy : Take it easy, Short Round, I just don't like people wasting time when someone's life is at stake.

Austin : [To Boddy, dabbing his bleeding nose] So why didn't you pay in the first place, moron! [Gets up and dusts himself down]

Boddy : Because I didn't realise what a weasel you are. [Heads through the gate, pausing for a moment to glare at Templeton] You have my clocks and phones waiting here for me.

Rosellini : So, ah, that will be another ten GP.

Smock: [Scowls at Rosellini] How come you need money anyway? Anyone can pick up a stone and throw it at someone. [Picks up a small pebble and throws it at Clint to demonstrate her point.]

Rosellini : [Watching the pebble bounce of Clint's head with an inexplicable metal clang] True, my young friend, but not everyone can do it with the kind of righteous indignation that you get at a revival.

Smock: [Narrows her eyes suspiciously.] Whatever. [To Austin, concernedly] Are you all right?

Rosellini : [Suffering from a severe paper cut to the arm] Ow! Stop! Guards!

[A group of guards at the gate step forward.]

Rosellini : While of [emphasis] course I understand your desire to stone these harlots, you cannot enter without paying.

Monty : [To Rosellini.] Yes, of course. Our apologies. Mr. Scar does get quite carried away over these sorts of things.

Rosellini : That will be 70GP for your group.

Clint: [Impatiently, to Austin] Pay the man, lawyer!

Chastity: Oh, dear. [To the party, quietly] Two of us will need to stay behind. Young Smock shouldn't see this, of course, but who will chaperone her?

Boddy : [To Rosellini] Make that seven. [Turns and punches Austin hard in the face, knocking him to the ground] You fucking moron. We're here to save his girl.

Boddy : [Slams eighty GP on the counter] Give me eight Super Saviours. [Turns to Templeton] I want six clocks and two phones, have them waiting here for me when I come out.

Austin : [To Chastity] I shall chaperone Smock, but I shall not pay for anyone until Mr Scar asks me politely.

Smock: [Angrily to Boddy] Hey, ya big bully! [Kicks Boddy in the shin.]

[SMOCK connects with BODDY's shin, causing a grunt, but no apparent damage. He reaches out and holds her at bay by catching her forehead, gently but firmly.]

Boddy : Take it easy, Short Round, I just don't like people wasting time when someone's life is at stake.

Austin : [To Boddy, dabbing his bleeding nose] So why didn't you pay in the first place, moron! [Gets up and dusts himself down]

Boddy : Because I didn't realise what a weasel you are. [Heads through the gate, pausing for a moment to glare at Templeton] You have my clocks and phones waiting here for me.

Rosellini : So, ah, that will be another ten GP.

Smock: [Scowls at Rosellini] How come you need money anyway? Anyone can pick up a stone and throw it at someone. [Picks up a small pebble and throws it at Clint to demonstrate her point.]

Rosellini : [Watching the pebble bounce of Clint's head with an inexplicable metal clang] True, my young friend, but not everyone can do it with the kind of righteous indignation that you get at a revival.

Smock: [Narrows her eyes suspiciously.] Whatever. [To Austin, concernedly] Are you all right?

Clint: [Oblivious to the squabbling and being hit on the head with a rock. Bellows] Let's move, people! [Heads toward the revival, hand on sword]

Chastity: [Examines Austin and glares at Boddy] Was that [emphasis] really necessary?!

Boddy : [Waiting just inside the gate for the party] Probably not.

Harvey : [Walking in] By the saints, Boddy! I'll have none of that behaviour in this troop!

Monty : [Shaking his head.] [Mutters.] Honestly. Such behavior. [Clearly.] Ahem. I do believe that Mr. Scar has the right idea in this circumstance, however. [Hastens along with Clint to the stoning venue.]

Austin : [Slaps 10 gp down on the table] There. Mr Boddy can have his phone. [To Smock] Yes thank you, I'll survive. Mr Boddy has some severe anger management issues. Let's hurry then, before Mr Boddy beats us all to death before we even get inside.

Smock: [Smiles brightly and trots after Monty.] Are you going to throw some stones Monty? I bet you're a great aim!

Boddy : No need to worry about that, Princess. You're the only one that's pissed me off.

Alice : [Stepping between Boddy and Austin, unfolding a Revival Fun Map] Now, now, let's see what's going on here. Let's see, the Stoning is on in an hour and a half - oh, and look, there's a little train that brings you right across the Revival Park, and each carriage is themed after a particular saint. Wouldn't that be fun? Huh, Boddy? Aus? Wouldn't you like that? A ride on the little train? A little track time? You know? On the fun little train?

Austin : [To Boddy] Oh, you're always blaming me for your short commings. I didn't have enough money for everyone anyway, and you could have paid in the first place. [To Alice] Perhaps he'd like an ice cream? [Rolls his eyes. To Alice] What's is the quickest way to the stoning? [Ponders] Or is there a pre-stoning mock-the-stonees area?

Boddy : [Laughs at Austin] Sure I am!

Alice : Well, assuming we're [with a hint of disappointment] not going on the train, I think we can just head over that way. [Points into the middle of the area]

Boddy : [Takes a look at the map] Hey look! There's an ice cream stall. [Looks over in another direction] Ah! I'll be back in a sec - good idea, Aus!

Austin : [To Boddy] Well just make sure you don't miss the stoning whislt in the queue, lives are at stake. Oh and could you get an ice cream for Smock to please? [To Smock] Would you like one?

Clint: Are you people out of your minds?! We aren't just going to sit and [huge emphasis] wait for the stoning! We gotta spring Dominique BEFORE the stoning!

Chastity: [To Austin, disapproving] Ice cream isn't good for a growing girl! Try to find her some plain skim milk instead.

Austin : [Smirks. To Chastity] Humans loose most of their ability to metabolise dairy products shortly after infancy, so plain skim milk is no better than ice-cream. [To Clint] Mr Scar, Whilst we are all aware that that is our intention, we were not intending on our mission being discovered before we make the rescue, so keep your voice down, imbecile!

[Enter BORSALONI FINO, another well dressed hat wearer. He is accompanied by several soldiers, and is holding a sheet of papers in his hand.]

Borsaloni : Good pilgrims, before you go to hear the good news, I have grim news. Enemies of the New Morality are abroad. [Does a double take on the party] Don't I know you?

Borsaloni

Harvey : [To Borsaloni] I sincerely doubt that, good sir. Allow me to distribute them for you, I would want a man of your stature to miss the stonings! [Gently tries to take the the papers from Borsaloni] Allow me.

Borsaloni : Well, I suppose. [Looks down at the sheet of papers, which has a picture of the party on the top sheet] Hey!

Clint: [Looks at the sheet and groans] Damn! It's our evil twins again! [Winks at Alice and prompts] Right, uh, Himbo?!

Austin : [Smirks. To Chastity] Humans loose most of their ability to metabolise dairy products shortly after infancy, so plain skim milk is no better than ice-cream. [To Clint] Mr Scar, Whilst we are all aware that that is our intention, we were not intending on our mission being discovered before we make the rescue, so keep your voice down, imbecile!

[Enter BORSALONI FINO, another well dressed hat wearer. He is accompanied by several soldiers, and is holding a sheet of papers in his hand.]

Borsaloni : Good pilgrims, before you go to hear the good news, I have grim news. Enemies of the New Morality are abroad. [Does a double take on the party] Don't I know you?

Borsaloni

Harvey : [To Borsaloni] I sincerely doubt that, good sir. Allow me to distribute them for you, I would want a man of your stature to miss the stonings! [Gently tries to take the the papers from Borsaloni] Allow me.

Borsaloni : Well, I suppose. [Looks down at the sheet of papers, which has a picture of the party on the top sheet] Hey!

Clint: [Looks at the sheet and groans] Damn! It's our evil twins again! [Winks at Alice and prompts] Right, uh, Himbo?!

Alice : [In her manly voice] That's right, uh, Clint, I mean Fred!

Smock: I want an icecream!

Austin : [Approaches Borsaloni and looks at the picture. To Borsaloni] Hmm, interesting, they look remarkablylike us, do they not? Except that chap who looks a little like me has his parting going the other way! Deviance if ever I saw it. And of course my son is not in the picture [Gestures towards Smock. To Smock] Yes I'll get you an ice cream in a momnet, daddy is helping the nice man right now [To Borsaloni] Well since they look quite like us perhaps we can help distribute the flyers and that way we can point out their distinguising features better! [Smiles helpfully to Borsaloni. Looks at the picture again and exclaims] Oh no! Those women are not dressed correctly! What manner of man would allow his women to dress like that. How perfectly awful! [Pauses, obviously in shock] Allow me to distribute those for you, so that we may help catch them.

Borsaloni : [To Smock] Calm down, young man, we'll get to you later, and there will be ice cream and treats for everyone, it'll be all hugs and puppies, but, in the meantime, we [shouts] need to kill these bastards!

[BORSALONI and the guards all draw swords.]

Alice : I sure hope those bad guys don't disappear into one of those many tents. [Juts a thumb towards some large tents]

Borsaloni : Uh, well, I suppose that would be a good idea, as I do have loads of other ones to give out too. [To his clearly surprised men] Come on, let's get going. [Hands the papers to Austin]

Soldier : But, sir! It's them!

Borsaloni : Of course it's not! Look at the parting! The parting!

Austin : [Takes the flyers and goes back over to the party] Perhaps we should find some suitable clothing for these women folk, so that when we find them we can get them to dress properly.

Harvey : [To Austin indignantly] But how will we be able to tell them appart from the other women?

Austin : [To Harvey] Exactly.

[BORSALONI heads away with the guards, who are clearly unhappy with this. Meanwhile, BODDY arrives back, eating an ice cream, and carrying another, which he puts on a table beside SMOCK. He is also carrying a bunch of veils of one arm.]

Boddy : There you go, Short Round. [Holds up a bunch of veils] You might want to wear these if you want to move around here unnoticed. [To Alice and Smock] You two are probably okay. [Takes a big lick of his ice cream] Mm-mm!

Monty : Perhaps a touch of something to render ourselves less like those... ahem... scoundrels in the picture, as well?

Alice : [Rubs part of one of the veils] Perhaps a touch of rough camel hair veil?

Austin : [Sighs. To Boddy] Thank you. [Gets a silk evening cloak, by Smelvyn Jyne, from his bag, puts it on then swiftly dons a head scarf/ veil thing. To Boddy] Is that ice cream for Smock? Most kind of you. [Coughs, then in a lady's voice] Thank you.

Monty : Ahem. In the circumstances, I suppose that it's an acceptable course of action. [Dubiously selects a veil and fits it on.] [HARVEY and CLINT grumpily follow suit.]

Alice : Aw! Aren't they just the cutest? [Enter DARIUS, with a wad of cash in his hand, and smoking a huge cigar. He approaches the party with a big smile, and gives CLINT a smack on the ass.]

Darius : Hey, toots! [Gives Boddy a big wink, with an even cheesier smile than usual] Nigel! What a surprise!

Boddy : Junior. What a surprise.

Darius

Monty : [Quietly to the rest of the party on seeing this.] Words fail to describe the sense of foreboding that has just come over me...

Darius : [Big smile] Monty,right? Man, you're a legend amongst the watchers! [Gives Smock a big wink] Hey there, Short Round.

Monty : [Politely.] Thank you, sir. You know Smock already, I see?

Darius : Sure do, although, based on the lack of naked hatred coming from him, I guess he doesn't know me.

Clint: [Steps protectively in front of Smock] What the hell do you want, Darius?

Darius : [With a smile] The same thing Boddy does.

Boddy : [Still eating his ice cream] I want to kill Maria. She's not good for the place. If we can help Clint's girl out while doing it, [shrugs] well, why not?

Chastity: [To Boddy, suspiciously] Mr. Boddy, just what is your agenda?

Clint: [To Darius] How do you know the kid [jabs a finger toward Smock]?

Darius : [To Clint] We're best buds in the future. That kid can sure handle a crocodile. [Glances at Monty and gives a shrug] I don't know, Monts, but I bet the people who are about to be stoned probably have strong feelings on it.

Darius : Yeah, although, you, uh, you mightn't want to get too attached to that left hand.

Smock: [Who, until now, was completely engrossed in her icecream, perks up. To Darius] A crocodile? Wow.

Smock: [Frowns and holds her right hand protectively close to her body. Continues to lick at her icecream, eyeing Darius warily. To party] Let's go find Dominique.

Harvey : [Transfixed by the icecream. Stops staring. To Smock] What! Yes, indeed cadet Smock, let's go and find her. [To ALice] I'm afraid we might have to leave the train ride until later, we're running bally short on time!

Alice : [Glares at Harvey] Typical woman! Never ready on time!

[Exit ALL towards a large building, which is indicated on the map as being where the prisoners being held.]

[Book V, Act IV, Scene IV. The Revival. ALICE, AUSTIN, CHASTITY, CLINT, HARVEY, MONTY, SMOCK, DARIUS and BODDY are here, amongst a huge crowd. All the women are wearing veils, and are all very quiet, while the men are quite excited. The party can't really get any closer to the building with the crowd. Enter MARIA, out onto a balcony on the first floor. She is wearing tiny leather underwear, and looks stunning. The men all go crazy and start whooping and cheering as she appears.]

Maria : Let's hear it for abstinence! [Strikes a provocative pose, causing all the men to jump up and down, cheering wildly]

Alice : [To the party] What the hell is going on with them? [Turns and glares at Borsaloni, who's standing behind her] Hey! Quit pushing me.

Smock: Do you think she's related to those guardians at Dominique's house? Or is there just a shortage of clothes? [Goes back to her icecream.]

Alice : Almost certainly! She was once the girlfriend of Joe Nunpar, their leader, although she certainly seems to have, er, raised her profile since then.

Maria : [Strutting up and down the balcony, before bending over and giving the crowd a fine view of her rear end] Are you ready for purity?

[The crowd again go crazy at this, and ALICE once again gets pushed by BORSALONI, who she turns at and gives an angry glare to.]

Alice : Quit it!

Smock: [Frowns. To Borsaloni] What's your problem?

Monty : More to the point: While I can certainly understand your disdain for this current movement, every time one gets replaced these days, something even worse springs up in its stead. Is that really something that we should risk?

Borsaloni : Hey! I'm just enjoying the sermon! Is it so wrong to be enthusiastic?

Alice : Ignore him, Smock.

[ALICE and SMOCK turn back, just as MARIA takes off her top, and throws it to the ground. There is thunderous applause from all the men in the audience, except for BORSALONI, who's surprisingly quiet.]

Alice : [Turns to him] Well? Where's all your enthusiasm now?

Borsaloni : Sliding down your back.

Alice : Ew! [Turns to the party] I don't get it - how come she's parading around topless, and all the other women have to cover up?

Smock: [Takes a few steps away from Borsaloni.] Gross. [To Alice] Maybe she made this whole thing up so she gets all the attention. [A smile creeps on to her face.] Let's stone her.

Harvey : Careful, there, Cadet, we're heavily outnumbered.

Austin : [To Smock, in a lady voice] It's at times like this when you need to keep a cool head, otherwise you'll be sprung before you even start your mission.

Harvey : Very true private Sleaze, very true! [Gazes back up at Maria again before turning away] She does seem rather inappropriately attired, I must say!

Darius : [Watching as people rush forward, confessing everything from theft to murder] Still, you've got to admire her.

Alice : Why? Because of her charisma?

Darius : Actually, I was thinking more because of her nice tits, but sure, your one is good too.

Maria : [Lasciviously hanging over the balcony, like someone in a strip club] Are you ready to confess?

[Everyone shouts and roars some more, clearly eager to confess.]

Harvey : By the saints, troop, they're almost acting like she's some sort of Goddess! They're totally at her beck and call!

Maria : [Hanging over the balcony] Yes! Yes! Tell me all your dirty secrets!

[CHASTITY starts giving a twitch.]

Darius : [Gives Boddy a wink] Just as well none of us have any dirty secrets, eh, Nige?

Chastity : I need to confess!

Monty : [Quietly to Chastity.] Ahem. Surely it would be best to confess to a genuine authority dedicated to Phili, as opposed to this impropriety?

Chastity : But Mister Giles! I have to tell everyone the truth! I can't go on with this charade a moment longer!

Alice : [Angrily] Chastity! It's [emphasis] Miss Giles!

Clint: [Uneasily] Calm down, Sis--uh, Bro. Hey, let me get ya an ice cream [attempts to snatch Smock's ice cream and give it to Chastity].

Chastity : [Calling to Maria] Coooeeee! Eva! I've got a big secret!

Alice : [Astonished] Clint! What the hell is wrong with you?

Clint: [Suddenly starts waving to Maria] Hey! Over here!

Clint: [Glares at Alice] I got something I gotta tell Maria! [Whistles loudly and continues waving at Maria]

Austin : [Watching Chastity loosing it. In a girly voice] Oh dear, I've got a nasty feeling that sister Chastity is about to do something that will not be to our likeing.

Monty : Ahem. Yes. Perhaps we should venture elsewhere whilst Chastity engages in this unfortunate escapade?

Smock: [To Clint, reaching for her icecream] Give it back!

Austin : [To Clint in a girly voice] Miss Scar, that was exceptionally mean of you! We won't forget this the next time you ask for a favour! [To Chastity] Come on then old girl, spill the beans!

Smock: [Glances between Clint and Chastity and then up at Maria.] I want to confess too! [Raises her hand, jumping up and down, shouting to Maria] Pick me! Pick me!

Chastity : [Turns and glares at Austin] Oh, shut up, Sleaze, I want Maria to hear me.

Harvey : By the saints! I do believe you have the way of it, Sister. Me first, what! I say, Eva!

Clint: [Snorts at Alice] Ha! You think you got secrets darker than me?! Dream on, Bimbo! [Starts jumping up and down and waving his arms more wildly] Yo! Pick me!

Alice : No! Not him! Me! I've got loads of dark secrets!

Darius : [To Boddy] Wanna confess?

Boddy : No. Do you?

Darius : [Puts up his hand and calls out loudly] I confess that I really like Boddy.

Smock: [To Austin] I wanna confess to Maria!

Austin : [Looks alarmed at the impending mass confession.In a lady voice] Well perhaps you should all start confessing, otherwise we'll be here all night.

Alice : Get out of my way, old man, I've got way cooler stuff to confess than you do!

Austin : [The expression on his veiled face suddenly changing. In a lady's voice] Oh Maria! I don't really have any dark secrets or worthwhile sins, but I want to confess them none the less!

Monty : Miss Maria! I believe [emphasis] my confession is the most shocking.

Chastity : No! I have a secret that will change everything!

[Almost the whole crowd is now in a frenzy.]

Maria : [Points to Chastity] You, Sister! Tell us your secret!

Smock: [Shifting around impatiently. To Chastity] Hurry up. I wanna go too.

Austin : [Mutters under his breath in a lady's voice] Oh dear.

Monty : [Snaps his fingers in an 'aw, shucks' gesture, then pauses in confusion.] Ahem.

Chastity : [Dramatically] I am not a nun!

[The whole crowd falls silent. A MAN in the crowd calls out.]

Man : We already knew that!

Chastity : Yeah? [Runs passed the rest of the party, pulling off their disguises, calling out as she passes each one] Clint murdered his father, Monty let a man die, Smock shopped her parents to the police, Harvey deliberately sent a man to his death, Austin's gay and Alice is a baby eater!

Darius : Keeping a low profile again, I see.

Monty : [Startled by the string of accusations.] Ahem. Surely Mr. Sleaze's orientation was a well-known fact already?

Austin : [To Monty] It may well be well known, but it certainly is not a fact. [Matter of factly] I am not gay.

Alice : And I'm not a baby eater!

Chastity : [Running towards the balcony] Please! Mother Eva! Forgive me!

[The crowd start jostling the party angrily.]

Darius : [Slips on a hat similar to those worn by Templeton, and draws his sword] I have the unbelievers! [Gives Boddy a prod with his sword] And their lackey!

Monty : [To Darius.] And I suppose that you'll escort us to the stoning area?

Clint: [Defensively] I didn't kill my old man! [Follows Chastity] What the hell are you doing?!

Darius : [Gives Monty a prod, that he clearly feels] Too right, sinner!

[CLINT can't get after CHASTITY, as the crowd is pushing in too much. More soldiers are approaching, though, all wielding hats and swords.]

Chastity : [Disappearing into the distance] It was a lie! My whole life was a lie! I never took my vows!

Monty : [To Boddy.] And what are your thoughts on this whole matter?

Austin : [Watching Chastity dissapear] And so we are betrayed. [To the crowd, impatiently] Make way for those soldiers, I haven't got all day you know.

Boddy : I must confess, I'm pretty confused, Monts.

Darius : And Oscat for best actor goes to... [gives a big smile]

Austin : [To Darius and Boddy] Don't you two have someone to rescue during this diversion? [Waves to the soldiers] Over here! [Then tries to duck and mingle into the crowd again]

Clint: [Nods] The homo's right! We gotta find my broad!

Alice : Harvey! This is hardly the time to comment on the softness of Austin's skin!

Darius : Not me, I'm doing my duty to Holy Eva.

[The party are quickly corralled by armed guards, and dragged off towards the building that MARIA was speaking from, accompanied by DARIUS. Amongst the soldiers are ROSELLINI and TEMPLETON from the gate.]

Rosellini : Shocking! They even paid the Super Saviour rate - this is outrageous!

Boddy : [Being dragged away, but pointing angrily at Rosellini] Don't think I'm not coming back for my clocks!

Austin : [Rolls his eyes] If only it were.

Rosellini : [Laughs at Harvey's naivete] Oh, God no! This is where we keep the people waiting for execution!

Alice : But still!

[The party are dragged into the building, and down a staircase, clearly towards some sort of dungeons. There is a large door which is opened, and that leads into an area with a large number of cells, which are full of people. Rather conveniently, there's one empty, right down at the end.]

Templeton : No clocks for you!

Harvey : [Gives Chastity a strane look] I say sister, all you feeling alright, what?

Harvey : [Looks around] Hmm, yes, I see. Well...how do they know what time it's on in the absence of time telling equipment, eh?

Harvey : Ha, I always knew the lad was a tad too soft for heterosexuality, what!

Harvey : [Hand in the air] We should all confess as of the now! Now, I wonder who has the loudest voice? [Roars] Oh Maria, surely you want to here my deepest, darkest secrets, eh?

Harvey : [To a guard] Hey, stop push there, fellow! [Turns to Alice] I actually meant what's in the skin, dearest niece!

Harvey : Good grief, who are all of these people? Are they all awaiting trial too?

Smock: [Squirms. Tries to stamp on the soldier's foot.] Let me go! I didn't do anything! You should arrest Maria - she's the one running around naked.

Monty : [To Smock.] I'm afraid that Maria has used unseemly powers to enthrall them. Reason is unlikely to make its way into their thoughts.

Harvey : Very true private Giles! Never underestimate the power of a fine bust!

Smock: Can't you snap them out of it, Monty? [To the party] Don't you have powers too? [Looks to Alice] Can't you use your bust?

Alice : I can't! It's at home with the ones of the rest of the family!

[SMOCK stamps on TEMPLETON's foot, but it's not enough to prevent the party from being pushed into the cell and the door locked behind them.]

Templeton : Don't worry, you'll only be here for a short while.

Austin : [To Templeton, clearly worried] Oh, we're not worried, we've been in much worse situations than this before.

Templeton : Yeah, sure, you've survived being burnt at the stake!

Alice : I thought we were going to be stoned.

Templeton : [Thinks for a moment] Shut [whiny] up!

Austin : [To Templeton] No, not burned at the stake, but we have died and been ressurected several times. So what does it feel like to be a slave to your superiors? Not knowing what really goes on, or why they really want us dead? Blindly following their commands.

Templeton : We're not slaves! We're followers!

Darius : [Puts his hand on Templeton's shoulder] Don't tardy with the damned, Brother Templeton.

[The soldiers turn and start heading slowly away, including DARIUS.]

Monty : Ahem. I believe they have left us with all our weaponry. One wonders if this is more of a comment on the security of the cell than on their incompetence as prison guards.

Darius : [Gives Monty a prod, that he clearly feels] Too right, sinner!

[CLINT can't get after CHASTITY, as the crowd is pushing in too much. More soldiers are approaching, though, all wielding hats and swords.]

Chastity : [Disappearing into the distance] It was a lie! My whole life was a lie! I never took my vows!

Monty : [To Boddy.] And what are your thoughts on this whole matter?

Austin : [Watching Chastity dissapear] And so we are betrayed. [To the crowd, impatiently] Make way for those soldiers, I haven't got all day you know.

Boddy : I must confess, I'm pretty confused, Monts.

Darius : And Oscat for best actor goes to... [gives a big smile]

Austin : [To Darius and Boddy] Don't you two have someone to rescue during this diversion? [Waves to the soldiers] Over here! [Then tries to duck and mingle into the crowd again]

Clint: [Nods] The homo's right! We gotta find my broad!

Alice : Harvey! This is hardly the time to comment on the softness of Austin's skin!

Darius : Not me, I'm doing my duty to Holy Eva.

[The party are quickly corralled by armed guards, and dragged off towards the building that MARIA was speaking from, accompanied by DARIUS. Amongst the soldiers are ROSELLINI and TEMPLETON from the gate.]

Rosellini : Shocking! They even paid the Super Saviour rate - this is outrageous!

Boddy : [Being dragged away, but pointing angrily at Rosellini] Don't think I'm not coming back for my clocks!

Austin : [Rolls his eyes] If only it were.

Rosellini : [Laughs at Harvey's naivete] Oh, God no! This is where we keep the people waiting for execution!

Alice : But still!

[The party are dragged into the building, and down a staircase, clearly towards some sort of dungeons. There is a large door which is opened, and that leads into an area with a large number of cells, which are full of people. Rather conveniently, there's one empty, right down at the end.]

Templeton : No clocks for you!

Harvey : [Gives Chastity a strane look] I say sister, all you feeling alright, what?

Harvey : [Looks around] Hmm, yes, I see. Well...how do they know what time it's on in the absence of time telling equipment, eh?

Harvey : Ha, I always knew the lad was a tad too soft for heterosexuality, what!

Harvey : [Hand in the air] We should all confess as of the now! Now, I wonder who has the loudest voice? [Roars] Oh Maria, surely you want to here my deepest, darkest secrets, eh?

Harvey : [To a guard] Hey, stop push there, fellow! [Turns to Alice] I actually meant what's in the skin, dearest niece!

Harvey : Good grief, who are all of these people? Are they all awaiting trial too?

Smock: [Squirms. Tries to stamp on the soldier's foot.] Let me go! I didn't do anything! You should arrest Maria - she's the one running around naked.

Monty : [To Smock.] I'm afraid that Maria has used unseemly powers to enthrall them. Reason is unlikely to make its way into their thoughts.

Harvey : Very true private Giles! Never underestimate the power of a fine bust!

Smock: Can't you snap them out of it, Monty? [To the party] Don't you have powers too? [Looks to Alice] Can't you use your bust?

Alice : I can't! It's at home with the ones of the rest of the family!

[SMOCK stamps on TEMPLETON's foot, but it's not enough to prevent the party from being pushed into the cell and the door locked behind them.]

Templeton : Don't worry, you'll only be here for a short while.

Austin : [To Templeton, clearly worried] Oh, we're not worried, we've been in much worse situations than this before.

Templeton : Yeah, sure, you've survived being burnt at the stake!

Alice : I thought we were going to be stoned.

Templeton : [Thinks for a moment] Shut [whiny] up!

Austin : [To Templeton] No, not burned at the stake, but we have died and been ressurected several times. So what does it feel like to be a slave to your superiors? Not knowing what really goes on, or why they really want us dead? Blindly following their commands.

Templeton : We're not slaves! We're followers!

Darius : [Puts his hand on Templeton's shoulder] Don't tardy with the damned, Brother Templeton.

[The soldiers turn and start heading slowly away, including DARIUS.]

Monty : Ahem. I believe they have left us with all our weaponry. One wonders if this is more of a comment on the security of the cell than on their incompetence as prison guards.

Clint: Let's go with incompetence first! [Takes a step back and then attempts to kick the cell door]

[The door is very, very solid.]

Darius : [Stopping at a cell a bit further up, and pointing into it, speaking to Templeton] I need to bring that one to Most Holy Eva.

Templeton : Sure. No problem. [Unlocks the door, and pulls out Dominique]

Clint: [Bellows] Fuck you, Darius! You snake! [To Dominique] Kick him in the balls, baby! [Starts kicking and beating the door wildly. Over his shoulder, to the party] Little help, anyone?!

Harvey : Oh I say! [Quietly] Perhaps private Sleaze could give an attempt at picking the bally lock on the door, what?

Alice : I'll help you, Clint. [Shouts to Dominique] Kick him really hard!

[DARIUS gently but firmly leads DOMINIQUE away, giving the party a big wink.]

Boddy : [Who's also in the cell] You bastard! [Helps Clint bang off the door]

Smock: What do we do now? [Despairingly] I don't want to get stoned!

Alice : Now we panic!

[Exit the soldier, DARIUS and DOMINIQUE, who looks back despairingly.]

Dominique : Lumpy!

Smock: Break it down, Clint! Break it down! [Adds to the effort against the cell door.]

Clint: [To Dominique] I'm coming for ya, babe! [Kicking the hell out of the door. To Austin] Dammit, Lawyer, can you pick this lock or what?!

Harvey : But surely, private Scar and cadet Smock, that door opened inwards, eh?

Austin : Stand back. [Examines the door for pickability or flaws, and tries to pick the lock if their is one, after checking to see if it is locked in the first place]

Alice : [Nods at Harvey's words] He's right, Clint. We'd be much better off if we were outside and then you tried to barge it down.

[The door is locked, and, try as he might AUSTIN fails to lock it. As he does, three women enter the cell area (through the main door), dressed from head to foot in veils. One of them approaches the door. It is impossible to see her face, just her eyes, which are very, very blue. The other two stand further back, and are similarly difficult to see.]

Blue : [Quietly] What are you doing here?

Blue Eyes

Blue Eyes

Blue Eyes

Austin : [To Blue] Nunpar framed us again, and want's us dead. The usual. Can you help us please?

Harvey : I say, do you know that person, private?

Blue : Framed you for what? Why are you here?

Smock: [To Blue, proudly] They're here to save Dominique and get rid of all your stupid veils! And maybe even smack Maria upside the head!

Harvey : Well then they certainly have their work cut out for them, cadet! [To Blue] I say, is it possible for you to get this door open?

Blue : Not me, but one of my colleagues is an expert in picking locks.

[BROWN staggers forward, seemingly a little drunk, and collides with the door.]

Monty : [Takes a quick glance to see how the door's hinges are mounted.] Ahem. If you do intend to pick the lock, then it would be advisable to hurry. I rather gather that the intention was for rapid return and execution.

Blue : [With a little venom] Take it easy, Watcher.

Monty : [Mildly.] Oh, I am. Thus my not joining in the pounding upon the door and the hurling of invective. [Moves to examine the hinges to see if they could be broken with weapon-blows - but keeps alert for any sudden openings of the door.]

Harvey : [Suddenly] Oh, I say! You lot are those people we met at the Watcher conference, eh!

Blue : [Rolls her eyes] Not me.

Brown : Nor me.

Black : [Grunts] Meauh! [Takes out some impossibly delicate looking tools, and starts trying to pick the lock, hands swaying back and forth]

Clint: [Eagerly watches Black in action. To Black] Nice hands! [Tries to get a glimpse of Black's eyes] Don't I know you?

Smock: [To Monty, peering curiously at his examinations] Wha'cha doin'?

Harvey : [To Black] No, definitely! You were that drunkard chappie with the head scarf! [Scratches at a sideburn] Well, to be honest, I'm not surprised you don't remember, the state you were in!

Monty : [To Smock, continuing his examinations and wariness.] Assessing an alternative if the lockpicking doesn't succeed. Always best to be prepared in case Plan A fails. It usually does, with this group.

Black : [Speaking in a man's voice, and pointing at Harvey with one of the tools] I take exception to that, sir, I remember everything. Sure, I also remember things that didn't happen, but that's immaterial, Colonel. [Aims himself at the lock again]

[The hinges look pretty sturdy, but might be worried into breaking.]

Updated Black page

Smock: Oh. [Pauses, watching Monty.] That's a good idea! You're so smart, Monty!

Clint: [Tentatively to Brown] Danielle?!

Brown : [Shakes her head] Not exactly, Clint. [Gives him a wink] Nicole.

Updated Brown

Nicole : [Holding onto the bars in the door, and rubbing herself up against them] I don't know, you'd be surprised at what goes on under these veils.

Monty : [Nods at the hinges.] These should be workable if need be. [Steps back to observe the lockpicking.] All the same, a pleasant surprise would be quite welcome right now. [To Nicole, matter-of-factly.] Ahem. I imagine that this new religious order must be putting quite a damper on your preferred style, ma'am.

Smock: [Now watching Black impatiently.] Hurry up, mister! This is serious! Stop trying to dance and pick the lock!

Jack : [Finally getting his tools into the lock] You forget the dance of the locksmith. Opening a lock correctly is a lot like making love to a beautiful woman, my friend. Anyone can stick their key right in, but only the true master grants a lock the respect she deserves, and opens her by engaging in a seductive dance. [Looks up at Smock] My, you're a feminine young fellow, aren't you?

Alice : Not as feminine as me!

Jack : [Cocks an eye at Alice] Dave?

Harvey : [To Alice] Ignore the man, dearest niece, he's probably seeing two, not three of everything at the moment, what! [To Nicole] So, what the blue blazes are you doing here in this place?

Clint: [To Harvey, exasperated] Don't you remember?! She likes being locked up! [To Nicole] You here to party?

Harvey : So, private Scar, you're telling me that they are attempting to unlock the door, only so they can gain ingress to our cell, and then, with that objective achieved, they shall lock themselves in with us?

Clint: Right! [To Nicole] Right?

Nicole : Wrong! We're here to kill Maria. [Looks over at Boddy and gives him a wink] Hey Nige.

Boddy : Nicole.

Jack : [Finally gets the lock open] Yay! [Takes out a hip flask and takes a swig out of it, through the veil, causing most of it to spill down the front]

Jack : Eh? I'm a man, you fool! [Waves an arm in frustration, causing his dress to billow about]

Clint: [Whips out his sword and flings open the door] I'm coming for you, woman!!

Clint: [Pushes past Jack] Not you! [Storms out of the cell after Dominique]

[All the other people in the cells start calling out to be freed.]

Alice : Uh, are we just going to leave them here?

Harvey : Sadly for now, yes, dearest niece. Picking all of these locks would take us days, must better if we find the keys and then come back to release them. [Scratches at a sideburn] Besides, if Maria told them to march staight back in here and lock themselves in, they probably would, and be happy about it!

Alice : Okay, let's go and see what that bastard Darius has done with Dominique. [Turns to Nicole] Uh, no offence.

Nicole : None taken. I know what a bastard he is. That's why I love him so. [Exit ALL.]

[Book V, Act IV, Scene V. The Staircase. ALICE, AUSTIN, CLINT, HARVEY, MONTY, SMOCK, BODDY, JACK, NICOLE and BLUE are here, quickly climbing the stairs.]

Alice : Where are we going?

Jack : Upstairs, Dave.

Clint: [To Jack] What are we gonna find upstairs?

Harvey : [Puffing and panting] By the saints, this sounds like we're on a fools errand!

Jack : [Shrugs] I don't know, my friend. I've never been up there.

[The group round a corner, and are confronted with the sight of DOMINIQUE and DARIUS, sitting side by side on the stairs, apparently having a very amusing conversation. They both look down as the party approach, with DOMINIQUE giving a big smile.]

Dominique : Lumpy!

Clint: [Confused. To Dominique] What happened?! [Reaches for Dominique, eyeing Darius warily]

Dominique : [Embraces Clint] Nothing! Norville here rescued me. He was keeping me entertained while you were escaping. He's ever so clever.

Darius : [Finishing up rolling up a cheeratte, which he points at Clint] Click-click!

Dominique : But [emphasis] boy is he arrogant!

Darius : That's why you love me, baby.

Nicole : [Snatching the cheeseratte] No, that's why [emphasis] I love you.

Clint: [Embraces Dominique and keeps an arm around her, rather possessively. To Darius, suspiciously] Thanks for the help, but how'd you get her free?

Smock: [Smirks. To Darius, amusedly] Your name's Norville? [Bursts out laughing.]

Alice : [To Smock] Thank you!

Darius : That's right, Short Round. There's nothing like having a geeky name to make a man out of you. [To Clint] I let her out of the cell.

Austin : [To Darius] Well, it's good to see that it has made a man of you, Mr Darius, more than I can say for some others. Do you have an escape plan that doesn't involve us being the fall guys?

Darius : [Looks at Austin with a huge smile forming on his face, before turning to Boddy] Directed at you, Nige?

Boddy : I'm pretty sure that it was.

Darius : [Back to Austin] Sure! I take Dominique and Nicole out [points it out] that door, while you and the others go upstairs and kill Eva.

Smock: [Excitedly] Yes! [Runs to the staircase, beckoning the rest of the party] Let's go!

Austin : [To Darius]It was. [Pauses] I'm not going to kill Eva, she's done nothing wrong. [Shrugs] If those morons out there want to follow her like sheep, then rather her than Nunpar or the likes.

Alice : Uh, exactly why are we going to kill her?

Darius : [Holds his hand up in a shushing motion to Alice as he turns to Boddy] So! Now they think you're the bad guy and I'm the good guy?

Boddy : No, just that idiot. I had to punch him earlier.

Darius : Gonna do it again?

Boddy : Thinkin' about it.

Boddy : Sure thing, Short Round.

Smock: [Runs over to stand between Austin and Boddy, hand on her hips. Glares at Boddy] No you're not!

Darius : [To Boddy] Still thinking about punching him?

Boddy : No, now I'm thinking of hugging him. [Whips out a cheeseratte with a noise and motion more normally associated with a flick knife, and lights it, taking a few drags, before handing it over to Austin]

Austin : [To Boddy, sighing, as if talking to a small anoying child] No I don't think you're the bad guy, I just think you are very childish, and need to learn to use your power with alot more discipline. That means not punching people less powerful than yourself, for inactions in which you youself are equally guilty.

Austin : [Accepts the cheesearette, carefully alert incase it's a trick] Thanks [Takes a deep draw, blowing three smoke rings]

Smock: [Alarmed] What? [Tries to grab the cheesearette off Austin.]

Darius : Ah! The good old poisoned cheeseratte trick. The classics never go out of style.

Austin : [Tries to avoid Smock's grab] He's just jesting! [Offers the cheesearette to Alice] And you are too young to abuse yourself with toxic substances!

Smock: [Her concern for Austin quickly shifting to indignance. To Austin and Alice] I am not! I know how to make them so should be allowed to have some! [Crosses her arms huffily.]

Alice : [Takes the cheeseratte] He's right, Smock. You don't want to get involved with this filthy stuff. So, uh, why should we kill Eva?

Blue : [Taking off her veil, revealing herself to be Tara Turquiose] Because she's dangerous. You saw the hold she has over people, that's not natural.

Tara but, when she

Tara : I'll give you one when we kill Eva.

Clint: [To Tara] You can't go around killing every religious freak in the country! Besides, no way am I letting you [re-tightens his arm around Dominique] go off with him [nods at Darius].

Tara : Why not?

Dominique : Is that a fact, Lumpy? What do you think? That we're married or something?

Austin : [To Tara] Because it murder. [Turns watching Clint and Dominique. To Dominique] I think the 'Big general' has clouded his mind somewhat. He appears to be under the dellusion that you are 'his girl'.

Clint: [To Dominique, horrified] God, no! [Lowers his voice] You can't trust that guy, babe. He'll use you and ditch you. It's what he does.

Smock: [To Tara] Alright! [Moves to the staircase again.] Come on guys! We have to get rid of all the veils, remember?

Darius : What secret thing?

[ALICE leans over and whispers something to DARIUS, who is completely unphased.]

Darius : She's good, but she's no Nicole.

Boddy : Are we just going to stand here flirting all day?

Nicole : [To Darius] Sounds like he's got your number alright!

Darius : [Finger gun back at her] You know it babe, click-click!

Dominique : [To Austin] That's no illusion.

Smock: [To Dominique] They all want to keep you because of the secret thing you did that [pointedly at the party] nobody will tell me!

Smock: [Stamping her foot in frustration at Alice's whispering.] It's not fair! [To Clint] So you want to get stoned then? [Eyes the cheesearette.]

Clint: [To Boddy] No, we're getting the hell out of here. We're not assassins!

Dominique : But Clint! You have to at least check out how she's doing this. She's got some kind of hold over the people - it can't be natural.

Harvey : The lass may have a point. After all, look at how the good Sister behaved, and, well, I do believe each of us came close to getting carried away too.

Darius : Hey, Short Round! [Whispers something to Smock]

Smock: [Her frown turning into a smile as Darius whispers something to her, looks to Dominique.] Oooo! That is good. [Smirks at Darius.]

Clint: [To the party] She's right. We gotta check it out. [To the others] Any idea how Maria's got this hold over people?

Dominique : [Slaps Darius] You pig!

Alice : [To Clint] Maybe it's her really small pants and barely concealed cleavage?

Tara : We think she might have a magic item that greatly enhances the charisma of the person who holds it. It normally works like a [glances at Alice] love potion, although it needs marriage to become permanent. She seems to be using it differently, though.

Smock: Let's go get it then! If we can't break her, we can at least smash up the magic thing.

Clint: I know! I'll get close to her and hit on her, and she'll wanna marry me, so I'll play like that's gonna happen [squeezes Dominique and gives her a wink] and when we're naked and celebrating, I'll grab the magic item! [Looks very pleased]

Darius : Well, good luck with that, then.

Dominique : Great idea, Clint. I'll wait here with Darius while you're doing that.

Alice : Come on, Clint. Do you think [emphasis] anyone would be celebrating if they saw you naked?

Smock: [To Darius] Why aren't you coming?

Austin : [To Dominique] Do you mean that you are his girl? [Nods towards Clint]

Dominique : Not in the biblical sense no, at least, not yet, but soon.

Smock: [To Dominique] Ugh. Do you have a schedule for those sort of things?

Dominique : [Gives Smock a wink] Sure, but it's totally unreliable.

Darius : [Puts an arm around each of Dominique and Nicole] Well kids, you have a great time killing Maria, y'hear?

Austin : [To Dominiques] Interesting. [Considers the ramifications of this] Good bye Mr. Darius.

Clint: [To Austin] What's so interesting about it, Lawyer?! You got something to say to me?

Monty : Perhaps this isn't the best time to discuss the matter.

Dominique : You look after yourself, Lumpy, we'll wait in here. [Points to an open door on a nearby landing] When you get back, we'll [leans in close to Clint and whispers something to him]

Alice : [Watching Clint] Wow! Look at the bulge!

Harvey : Alice!

Alice : His eyes!

[Exit DARIUS, DOMINIQUE and NICOLE, into the open door.]

Alice : So what's the plan?

Clint: [Glares at Austin] All right, let's get moving.

Austin : [To Clint] No, Mr [Hesitates] Lumpy. My arriere-pensee would be wasted on you.

Austin : [Snottily to CLint] There's no need to give me an evil stare Mr Scar. If you had half a brain you would realise that your relationship with Dominique is interesting from the point of view of soulmates, the path, and Alice's ancestory. Quite why you find reason in that to be angry with me is anyone's guess, but I find it highly innapropriate.

Alice : [To Smock] Thank you!

Darius : That's right, Short Round. There's nothing like having a geeky name to make a man out of you. [To Clint] I let her out of the cell.

Austin : [To Darius] Well, it's good to see that it has made a man of you, Mr Darius, more than I can say for some others. Do you have an escape plan that doesn't involve us being the fall guys?

Darius : [Looks at Austin with a huge smile forming on his face, before turning to Boddy] Directed at you, Nige?

Boddy : I'm pretty sure that it was.

Darius : [Back to Austin] Sure! I take Dominique and Nicole out [points it out] that door, while you and the others go upstairs and kill Eva.

Smock: [Excitedly] Yes! [Runs to the staircase, beckoning the rest of the party] Let's go!

Austin : [To Darius]It was. [Pauses] I'm not going to kill Eva, she's done nothing wrong. [Shrugs] If those morons out there want to follow her like sheep, then rather her than Nunpar or the likes.

Alice : Uh, exactly why are we going to kill her?

Darius : [Holds his hand up in a shushing motion to Alice as he turns to Boddy] So! Now they think you're the bad guy and I'm the good guy?

Boddy : No, just that idiot. I had to punch him earlier.

Darius : Gonna do it again?

Boddy : Thinkin' about it.

Boddy : Sure thing, Short Round.

Smock: [Runs over to stand between Austin and Boddy, hand on her hips. Glares at Boddy] No you're not!

Darius : [To Boddy] Still thinking about punching him?

Boddy : No, now I'm thinking of hugging him. [Whips out a cheeseratte with a noise and motion more normally associated with a flick knife, and lights it, taking a few drags, before handing it over to Austin]

Austin : [To Boddy, sighing, as if talking to a small anoying child] No I don't think you're the bad guy, I just think you are very childish, and need to learn to use your power with alot more discipline. That means not punching people less powerful than yourself, for inactions in which you youself are equally guilty.

Austin : [Accepts the cheesearette, carefully alert incase it's a trick] Thanks [Takes a deep draw, blowing three smoke rings]

Smock: [Alarmed] What? [Tries to grab the cheesearette off Austin.]

Darius : Ah! The good old poisoned cheeseratte trick. The classics never go out of style.

Austin : [Tries to avoid Smock's grab] He's just jesting! [Offers the cheesearette to Alice] And you are too young to abuse yourself with toxic substances!

Smock: [Her concern for Austin quickly shifting to indignance. To Austin and Alice] I am not! I know how to make them so should be allowed to have some! [Crosses her arms huffily.]

Alice : [Takes the cheeseratte] He's right, Smock. You don't want to get involved with this filthy stuff. So, uh, why should we kill Eva?

Blue : [Taking off her veil, revealing herself to be Tara Turquiose] Because she's dangerous. You saw the hold she has over people, that's not natural.

Tara but, when she

Tara : I'll give you one when we kill Eva.

Clint: [To Tara] You can't go around killing every religious freak in the country! Besides, no way am I letting you [re-tightens his arm around Dominique] go off with him [nods at Darius].

Tara : Why not?

Dominique : Is that a fact, Lumpy? What do you think? That we're married or something?

Austin : [To Tara] Because it murder. [Turns watching Clint and Dominique. To Dominique] I think the 'Big general' has clouded his mind somewhat. He appears to be under the dellusion that you are 'his girl'.

Clint: [To Dominique, horrified] God, no! [Lowers his voice] You can't trust that guy, babe. He'll use you and ditch you. It's what he does.

Smock: [To Tara] Alright! [Moves to the staircase again.] Come on guys! We have to get rid of all the veils, remember?

Darius : What secret thing?

[ALICE leans over and whispers something to DARIUS, who is completely unphased.]

Darius : She's good, but she's no Nicole.

Boddy : Are we just going to stand here flirting all day?

Nicole : [To Darius] Sounds like he's got your number alright!

Darius : [Finger gun back at her] You know it babe, click-click!

Dominique : [To Austin] That's no illusion.

Smock: [To Dominique] They all want to keep you because of the secret thing you did that [pointedly at the party] nobody will tell me!

Smock: [Stamping her foot in frustration at Alice's whispering.] It's not fair! [To Clint] So you want to get stoned then? [Eyes the cheesearette.]

Clint: [To Boddy] No, we're getting the hell out of here. We're not assassins!

Dominique : But Clint! You have to at least check out how she's doing this. She's got some kind of hold over the people - it can't be natural.

Harvey : The lass may have a point. After all, look at how the good Sister behaved, and, well, I do believe each of us came close to getting carried away too.

Darius : Hey, Short Round! [Whispers something to Smock]

Smock: [Her frown turning into a smile as Darius whispers something to her, looks to Dominique.] Oooo! That is good. [Smirks at Darius.]

Clint: [To the party] She's right. We gotta check it out. [To the others] Any idea how Maria's got this hold over people?

Dominique : [Slaps Darius] You pig!

Alice : [To Clint] Maybe it's her really small pants and barely concealed cleavage?

Tara : We think she might have a magic item that greatly enhances the charisma of the person who holds it. It normally works like a [glances at Alice] love potion, although it needs marriage to become permanent. She seems to be using it differently, though.

Smock: Let's go get it then! If we can't break her, we can at least smash up the magic thing.

Clint: I know! I'll get close to her and hit on her, and she'll wanna marry me, so I'll play like that's gonna happen [squeezes Dominique and gives her a wink] and when we're naked and celebrating, I'll grab the magic item! [Looks very pleased]

Darius : Well, good luck with that, then.

Dominique : Great idea, Clint. I'll wait here with Darius while you're doing that.

Alice : Come on, Clint. Do you think [emphasis] anyone would be celebrating if they saw you naked?

Smock: [To Darius] Why aren't you coming?

Austin : [To Dominique] Do you mean that you are his girl? [Nods towards Clint]

Dominique : Not in the biblical sense no, at least, not yet, but soon.

Smock: [To Dominique] Ugh. Do you have a schedule for those sort of things?

Dominique : [Gives Smock a wink] Sure, but it's totally unreliable.

Darius : [Puts an arm around each of Dominique and Nicole] Well kids, you have a great time killing Maria, y'hear?

Austin : [To Dominiques] Interesting. [Considers the ramifications of this] Good bye Mr. Darius.

Clint: [To Austin] What's so interesting about it, Lawyer?! You got something to say to me?

Monty : Perhaps this isn't the best time to discuss the matter.

Dominique : You look after yourself, Lumpy, we'll wait in here. [Points to an open door on a nearby landing] When you get back, we'll [leans in close to Clint and whispers something to him]

Alice : [Watching Clint] Wow! Look at the bulge!

Harvey : Alice!

Alice : His eyes!

[Exit DARIUS, DOMINIQUE and NICOLE, into the open door.]

Alice : So what's the plan?

Clint: [Glares at Austin] All right, let's get moving.

Austin : [To Clint] No, Mr [Hesitates] Lumpy. My arriere-pensee would be wasted on you.

Austin : [Snottily to CLint] There's no need to give me an evil stare Mr Scar. If you had half a brain you would realise that your relationship with Dominique is interesting from the point of view of soulmates, the path, and Alice's ancestory. Quite why you find reason in that to be angry with me is anyone's guess, but I find it highly innapropriate.

Clint : If you had half a brain, Lawyer, you'd know that I'm pissed because I asked you a question and you ignored it.

Harvey : Now now troop, less of this and more action, what! Come on then, let's get going!

Alice : What's the plan? Just kick in her door and. [Stops abruptly]

Harvey : [Looks curiously at Alice] Well, yes, I suppose! Are you alright dear niece?

Harvey : [Scratches at a sideburn] Well, I suppose we could try to find a key to release the other prisoners, and then sneak into her place in the general ballyhoo!

Alice : I'm fine. [Theatrically] Which is a lot more than I can say for the plan!

Harvey : Now now troop, less of this and more action, what! Come on then, let's get going!

Alice : What's the plan? Just kick in her door and. [Stops abruptly]

Harvey : [Looks curiously at Alice] Well, yes, I suppose! Are you alright dear niece?

Harvey : [Scratches at a sideburn] Well, I suppose we could try to find a key to release the other prisoners, and then sneak into her place in the general ballyhoo!

Alice : I'm fine. [Theatrically] Which is a lot more than I can say for the plan!

Smock: Where we gonna find a key from? It's not like they leave that sorty of stuff just lying around. [Sarcastically] We might as well try to find some of those silly hats and pretend to be guards while we're at it! [Back to normal] They've got your picture anyway. Let's just break the door down! C'mon Clint, you've got the skills!

[CLINT obligingly flexes his door-kicking-in foot.]

Alice : Maybe if we kill Maria we can get a key?

Monty : Perhaps we could restrain her, and search for a key?

Austin : [Still looking most offended at Clint. To Clint] Mr Scar if you didn't ask questions in such a threatening manner people may be more inclined to answer them. [To Monty] Hmm, restrain Maria, [Muses] that's a fabulous idea. I like your new line of thought there Monty old chap.

Clint : [To Austin] Sorry, Princess, I didn't mean to scare you.

Monty : I am most gratified to hear that, Mr. Sleaze, although I hope we won't need to restrain you.

Austin : [To Clint] You were insulting, not scary. The only scary part of you, Mr Scar, is your pungent body odour, and that's more terrifying than fear inducing. [To Monty] Erm, sorry Monty old chap, I'm heterosexual, you'll have to find another mand to restrain.

Smock: [Smiles admiringly at Monty] Does that mean we still get to kick the door down?

Monty : My apologies, Mr. Sleaze. I was merely referring to your rampant heterosexuality. That you chose to interpret as a homosexual jibe is most [thinks] predictable.

Austin : [To MOnty] Oh, in that case, excuse me. I am all too used to being the recipient of such slander. [To Clint] Are you going to kick the door down or would you like me to check the lock first? It could be open.

Smock: [Excited and demanding] Kick it down! Kick it down!

Austin : [To Smock] A little too much sugar in that ice-cream perhaps.

Harvey : Easy there, Cadet, let's get upstairs first and see if we can figure out which door it is.

[Everyone creeps up to the top floor, and, peering up over the stairs can see that there are several doors here. Only one has people outside it though, including BORSALONI, ROSELINNI, TEMPLETON and three others. On the party's side, there are ALICE, AUSTIN, CLINT, HARVEY, SMOCK, BODDY, TARA and JACK.]

Alice : Right, what now?

Smock: Let's whack 'em!

Clint: [Whips out his sword. To Smock, impressed] You're a smart kid!

Boddy : [Taking out his sword too] I've a better plan. Let's divide into two groups, one to keep them occupied, and the other to get into the room right away. She's probably got some sort of escape hatch there, and if we make too much noise out here, she could be gone, and the magic item with her.

Clint: [Nods] All right. You guys [points at Tara and Jack] go with Boddy and keep 'em occupied. We'll head into the room.

[Book V, Act IV, Scene VI. Outside Maria's Door. ALICE, AUSTIN, CLINT, HARVEY, MONTY, SMOCK, TARA, JACK and BODY are here, charging towards BORSALONI, ROSELINNI, TEMPLETON and three other guards, A, B and C, all of whom draw their swords as the party appear.]

Jack : [To Borsaloni] Say, that's a nice hat.

Borsaloni : This hat gives me a sacred right and duty to defend Holy Eva. You would be advised to stand down.

[JACK reaches out and grabs the hat.]

Borsaloni : My hat! My hat!

Boddy : Okay, we'll take Watcher Boy too. Everybody ready? [Shouts] Chaaarg!

[Everyone except ALICE charges into the fray.]

Alice : [Just taking her sword out] Hey! I wasn't ready! [Runs into the battle]

Clint: [To Boddy] Come on! Where's the distraction?!

Smock: Outta the way hat-boys! [Pulls out her dagger.] We wanna chat to Eva.

Harvey : Quite right, cadet! Perhaps if you all just stand aside, this won't have to end in a raging rucus, what!

Templeton : Well, you can't, she is addressing the crowd.

SoldierA : Yeah![Drops his sword in the excitement] Oops. [Bends down to pick up his sword]

Boddy : [Driving his sword through the top of Soldier A's head, eliciting much shrieks of disgust from both sides as they get showered in blood] How's that for a distraction? link directly from

Map version 1

Smock: [Screwing her nose up in disgust] Ew! [To Clint] Quick! Break the door down!

Boddy : [Pushes the blood spurting Soldier A out of the way] What the hell's wrong with you, old man? I'm clearing a way for you? [Moves to block Templeton's access to the door]

[TARA moves to attack SOLDIER B, while JACK makes a run for it, heading further down the corridor.]

Jack : [Pausing for a moment, holding up the hat] I've got you hat!

Harvey : [To Boddy] Oh, very subtle! Come along troop, charge! [Tries to make his way to the door]

Smock: Go Boddy! [Follows Harvey, making for the door.]

Harvey : [Laughs loudly to Boddy] Ha, sir, I didn't say there was anything wrong with it, in fact, I quite liked your style!

[HARVEY squeezes into the gap left by BODDY's advance, and is now right up to the door, with SMOCK just behind him and AUSTIN behind her.]

Austin : Quickly! Get the door open!

Clint: [Kicks the door, hard] Done!

Harvey : [Tries the door handle to see if it is open]

Austin : [Shoots his sling at Templeton whilst waiting for the door to open] Hurry! ### Austin rolls 2, miss. ### Austin rolls 9, miss.

[AUSTIN fires two stones at TEMPLETON, missing with both, as CLINT kicks the door in, revealing a large 30' x 80' room with a balcony. This is clearly the right room, as the party can see MARIA cavorting about out on the balcony.]

### Templeton attacks Boddy 13, hit, surplus +0. ### Hit table : 17. Damage 15. ### Boddy attacks Templeton 15, hit, surplus +3 ### Hit table : 9+3. Damage 8.

Templeton : Stop them! [Hits Boddy, and gets hit in return] ### Soldier B attacks Tara 5, miss. ### Tara attacks soldier B, 13, hit, surplus +0. ### Hit table : 14. Damage 12.

Tara : [Hitting Soldier B] Get in there and kill the bitch!

Updated Map

Harvey : [Draws his sword sadly] Well, I never thought it would come to having to kill Maria, troop! [Walks towards her]

Maria : [Notices the commotion behind her and turns] What the hell? [Shouts over the balcony] Assassins! Assassins have broken in here - and they have women with them [outraged] without veils!

[The sound of much moral indignation comes from below as the rest of the party slip in while the fighting continues.]

Clint: [Makes his way toward Maria, sword at the ready] I hope not, Harv! She's too hot to kill!

Maria : [With a big, warm smile] Austin! I know you're not an assassin, [to Harvey] nor are you Colonel. Come on now, we're old friends, there's no need to be like this.

Harvey : Yes, you must stop this mania, my dear! Nothing good will come of it!

Austin : [To Maria] We're not assasins! We're simply here to talk to you about you most unwelcome hierophantic antics! You have to stop. [Looks at the others, outside the door] Well I'm not an assasin anyway.

Smock: [Chanting encouragingly] Kill her. Kill her. Kill her. [To Maria, forcefully] Where's the magic thingy?

Harvey : [To Smock] Pipe down there, cadet! Let's have no talk of killing! [To Maria] It's true, we are old friends, which makes it all the harder to see what you're becoming, my dear!

Maria : [Gives Smock a curious look, before glancing over at a large altar in the bottom right hand corner of the room for a second, but speaks to Harvey] And what have I become?

Smock: [Chanting encouragingly] Kill her. Kill her. Kill her. [To Maria, forcefully] Where's the magic thingy?

Harvey : [To Smock] Pipe down there, cadet! Let's have no talk of killing! [To Maria] It's true, we are old friends, which makes it all the harder to see what you're becoming, my dear!

Maria : [Gives Smock a curious look, before glancing over at a large altar in the bottom right hand corner of the room for a second, but speaks to Harvey] And what have I become?

Austin : [Tries to bar or fix the door from the inside. To Maria] Oh, come on, you have become a demagogue of sorts. There a people out there ready to stone women to death if they don't wear a veil, and all in your name! Do you really believe that is a good thing? [Jams the door any way he can. To Smock] Check out that altar could you?

Alice : [Squeezing in through the door] Hey! Careful Aus!

[AUSTIN can't shut the door, as the fight has just spilled over enough to block it. BODDY, TARA, CLINT and MONTY are at the door side, doing well against the others, but there are clearly more arriving, although MARIA almost certainly can't see that from her position. In this room there are two large and ornate cupboards in the top left and right hand corners, and a door in the bottom left.]

Maria : Oh, come now, Austin, can I really help it if the proles love me? You're a beautiful person too, you know how they are. Is it really so wrong to let a little sunshine into their lives? To give some meaning to their otherwise pointless and painful existence? Sure, some of them are put down upon, but at least they believe in what's putting them down.

Austin : [To Maria] Well, naturally, that is an inevitable behavioural consequence of the proles seeing the likes of us, but they're stoning eachother to death to please you, that's really taking it too far. You always used to care about the people, and put their welfare first! [Goes over to the altar and examines it quickly, with a view to how best to destroy it]

Maria : Why is that going too far? It's not like these people actually matter, so what's the problem if a few of them are sacrificed for the greater good? I'm actually doing them a favour. How could they have survived the last two years without something to believe in? [Starts getting angry] Should they believe in God? That big faker? What has he done for them lately? Other than let millions of them die in agony while they pray to him for help? That sadistic bastard.

Alice : And stoning people to death isn't sadistic?

Maria : Hey, I don't get any pleasure out of it, but look at the pleasure it gives the rest of them! [Juts her thumb back towards the balcony, before turning to Austin] Please leave that alone, Austin.

Austin : [To Maria, happily] Sure! [Gets up and leaves the altar untouched] You're right, they don't matter, they do need a false idol, done them a big favour, Phili is constantly allowing everyone to die, so why shouldn't anyone else get in on the act. Big faker that he is. [Chuckling] Sadist? That's the understatement of the era! [Goes over to Maria] It's good to see you again.

Maria : [Gives Austin a hug] Thanks Aus, I knew you'd understand. [With a big smile to the party] Now, how about you get your friends outside to stop making such a fuss?

Alice : Uh, okay. [Turns and raises her voice to be heard over the sound of fighting outside] Hey! It's okay! She's explained it all, no need to worry now.

Alice : No prob.

Tara : You dumb bitch! What the hell's wrong with you?

Alice : [Slams the door in Tara's face, before turning to the others, shocked] Well, that was rude!

Clint: [Unimpressed] Uh, thanks, Bimbo!

Maria : Never. I've plenty of people to do that for me. Ah, Clint, I'd prefer if you kept away from there.

Clint: [Strolls over to the altar casually. To Maria] Don't you ever get tired of all that worship crap? Seems like you might want a break. You know, hang out, do your nails, pluck your eyebrows, whatever it is you broads do for fun?

Clint: [Turns away from the altar and heads back toward Maria] You got it, toots. So, what, you're doing everybody a big favor, then? Who really benefits when dames can't show a little skin?!

Maria : Everybody!

Alice : Well, except the people stoned to death.

Maria : [With a dismissive wave of her hand] You can't make an omlette without breaking some eggs. I'm giving people something to believe in, giving meaning to their otherwise pointless lives. You should be thanking me, not threatening me.

Austin : [To Maria] Can you tell the guards and soldiers not to kill us then?

Maria : Of course, Austin. I'd be happy to. [Walks across and opens the door, where there is a massive, bloodthirsty battle going on, with hundreds of more soldiers and people queuing up to get involved] Please stop.

[Everyone stops.]

Maria : See?

Harvey : It saddens me to see, my dear, such contempt for all and any you deem inferior to you!

Maria : Contempt? On the contrary, sweet Harvey. I love them, I sympathise with their plight. Without me, their awful lives would be unbearable. Is it any wonder they worship me?

Harvey : They seemed to be able to bear their unbearables lives just fine before you showed up, my dear.

Maria : I'm sure that's how it seemed, Colonel, but their lives were characterised by suffering and fear of the unknown.

Boddy : [Walking into the room] What the hell is going on here?

Maria : Please, be calm. I am not your enemy.

Austin : [To Boddy, gleefully] Maria was just explaing to us how much she has done for the proles, who don't really matter of course, even if they die, because Phili let them die anyway, and the need a false idol, but she gives them hope and happiness, and, well she's just great! [Gives Maria a big hug, inhaling deeply] Aaah! [Glances at the altar] And of course we should respect her private space. [Nods agreably to himself]

Boddy : Well, sure we should respect her space, but that doesn't mean she isn't a nazi who's twisting other people's needs to fuel her sick ambition.

Austin : [To Maria] Well, naturally, that is an inevitable behavioural consequence of the proles seeing the likes of us, but they're stoning eachother to death to please you, that's really taking it too far. You always used to care about the people, and put their welfare first! [Goes over to the altar and examines it quickly, with a view to how best to destroy it]

Maria : Why is that going too far? It's not like these people actually matter, so what's the problem if a few of them are sacrificed for the greater good? I'm actually doing them a favour. How could they have survived the last two years without something to believe in? [Starts getting angry] Should they believe in God? That big faker? What has he done for them lately? Other than let millions of them die in agony while they pray to him for help? That sadistic bastard.

Alice : And stoning people to death isn't sadistic?

Maria : Hey, I don't get any pleasure out of it, but look at the pleasure it gives the rest of them! [Juts her thumb back towards the balcony, before turning to Austin] Please leave that alone, Austin.

Austin : [To Maria, happily] Sure! [Gets up and leaves the altar untouched] You're right, they don't matter, they do need a false idol, done them a big favour, Phili is constantly allowing everyone to die, so why shouldn't anyone else get in on the act. Big faker that he is. [Chuckling] Sadist? That's the understatement of the era! [Goes over to Maria] It's good to see you again.

Maria : [Gives Austin a hug] Thanks Aus, I knew you'd understand. [With a big smile to the party] Now, how about you get your friends outside to stop making such a fuss?

Alice : Uh, okay. [Turns and raises her voice to be heard over the sound of fighting outside] Hey! It's okay! She's explained it all, no need to worry now.

Alice : No prob.

Tara : You dumb bitch! What the hell's wrong with you?

Alice : [Slams the door in Tara's face, before turning to the others, shocked] Well, that was rude!

Clint: [Unimpressed] Uh, thanks, Bimbo!

Maria : Never. I've plenty of people to do that for me. Ah, Clint, I'd prefer if you kept away from there.

Clint: [Strolls over to the altar casually. To Maria] Don't you ever get tired of all that worship crap? Seems like you might want a break. You know, hang out, do your nails, pluck your eyebrows, whatever it is you broads do for fun?

Clint: [Turns away from the altar and heads back toward Maria] You got it, toots. So, what, you're doing everybody a big favor, then? Who really benefits when dames can't show a little skin?!

Maria : Everybody!

Alice : Well, except the people stoned to death.

Maria : [With a dismissive wave of her hand] You can't make an omlette without breaking some eggs. I'm giving people something to believe in, giving meaning to their otherwise pointless lives. You should be thanking me, not threatening me.

Austin : [To Maria] Can you tell the guards and soldiers not to kill us then?

Maria : Of course, Austin. I'd be happy to. [Walks across and opens the door, where there is a massive, bloodthirsty battle going on, with hundreds of more soldiers and people queuing up to get involved] Please stop.

[Everyone stops.]

Maria : See?

Harvey : It saddens me to see, my dear, such contempt for all and any you deem inferior to you!

Maria : Contempt? On the contrary, sweet Harvey. I love them, I sympathise with their plight. Without me, their awful lives would be unbearable. Is it any wonder they worship me?

Harvey : They seemed to be able to bear their unbearables lives just fine before you showed up, my dear.

Maria : I'm sure that's how it seemed, Colonel, but their lives were characterised by suffering and fear of the unknown.

Boddy : [Walking into the room] What the hell is going on here?

Maria : Please, be calm. I am not your enemy.

Austin : [To Boddy, gleefully] Maria was just explaing to us how much she has done for the proles, who don't really matter of course, even if they die, because Phili let them die anyway, and the need a false idol, but she gives them hope and happiness, and, well she's just great! [Gives Maria a big hug, inhaling deeply] Aaah! [Glances at the altar] And of course we should respect her private space. [Nods agreably to himself]

Boddy : Well, sure we should respect her space, but that doesn't mean she isn't a nazi who's twisting other people's needs to fuel her sick ambition.

Smock: [Outraged] This is ridiculous! [Points at Maria] She is a selfish, deluded psycho, and you want to be her friend!? [Looks at Austin, clearly disappointed in him. Goes over to the altar.] I thought you were here to help the people out there! [Investigates how easy the altar might be to break.] Some heroes...

Maria : Ah, ah, little one, let's keep your prying fingers away from there. [To the party in general] Now, why don't you just go back about your business?

Austin : [To Smock, brightly] Yes little one, please keep your prying fingers away from Maria's nice altar. [To the party] Why don't we just go back about our business, huh? [Starts walking over to the door]

Smock: [To Maria] You're not the boss of me! [Glares at Austin. Attempts to break the altar.]

Maria : [As Smock bounces a chair off the marble altar] Stop that this instant!

Smock: [Frowns] Fine. [Drops the chair and goes over to stand next to Harvey, arms crossed.] This is still stupid though!

Maria : [With a big smile] Remember, I'm not your enemy.

[There is some noise from the press in the top right hand corner.]

Maria : Ah, sounds like there's something in the dumb waiter. [To Smock] Be a doll and open it for me, please. a tiny hand

Smock: [None too happily] Whatever. [Dragging her feet huffily, goes to the press and opens the doors.]

Austin : [Goes and helps Smock] Let's have a look.

Smock: Yeah! Finally - someone with balls!

[SMOCK opens the door, and there, crammed into the dumb waiter is DARIUS. He eases himself out.]

Darius : Thanks, Short Round. [Looks around] What's going on here? I thought you were going to kill her.

Maria : [Calmly] Oh now, I'm not your enemy.

[DARIUS nods and smiles, before punching MARIA hard in the face and knocking her to the ground, much to the horror of those around.]

Darius : [Taking out a cigar and lighting it] But I'm yours, baby.

Clint : [Gives Smock a glare] Punching a woman means a guy has balls? Grow up, kid.

[Those outside the room start charging in, but stop abruptly when DARIUS takes out a small, billiard ball size red orb, that is glowing fiercely.]

Darius : Ah, ah! [Aside to Clint] I'm sure this is what Short Round meant.

Austin : What! [Goes to Help Maria up]

Harvey : [Looks at the orb] What are you planning to do with that, fellow? Will it take away her power? [Gives the altar a good kick]

Darius : Temporarily. [Throws the orb into the air, so that it will hit the ground in the middle of the room]

Monty : Colonel! Please! What do you think you're doing?

Harvey : [Continues to kick the altar]

Monty : Thank goodness, for a moment there I thought you were trying to break it.

[The orb smashes on the ground.]

Maria : [Standing with Austin] Protect me, Austin!

Harvey : [Stops] Confounded mud, it's a nightmare to get off my boots, what! Oh, what I wouldn't give for a pot of polish and a stout, wiry brush!

[The orb appears to do nothing.]

Darius : Better get that [points at what looks like a small metal door set into the altar] open fast.

Clint: [Sniffs the air. To Harvey] I got news for you, Harv. That ain't mud! [Watches to see what the orb does]

Clint: [Tugs at the door in the altar. Snorts] That orb of yours was real impressive, by the way.

Harvey : [Helps Clint with the metal door, wedging his sword in the side and attempting to lever the door open]

Darius : Thanks Clint. See? Sometimes it doesn't matter that you only have one orb.

[All those outside begin pouring into the room, as HARVEY and CLINT fail to find any purchase on the door. The lock clearly needs to be picked.]

Alice : Aus! Better get to work!

Maria : [Pushing herself away from Austin] Come, my children! Kill those who would oppose your beloved leader!

Smock: [Moves to stand between the altar and the door. To Maria's faithful] Wait! We're trying to help you guys! [To Austin] Hurry, Austin!

[Soldiers start to fill up the room, and there is a lot of pushing and shoving at the doorway, but no swordplay as yet.]

Maria : [Enraged] Kill them! Kill them now!

Updated Map

Austin : [Looks at the blood thirsty soldiers. To Maria] How could you! I though you loved us! [Looks devastated and pale, and quickly gets down before the altar and starts picking the lock]

Maria : I don't love you! You love me!

[AUSTIN crouches in front of the door and sets to work, with SMOCK and BODDY being pushed back against him.]

Maria : Kill them, kill them all! I command it!

Clint: [Whips out his sword and prepares to fend off any attacks on Austin. To Smock] Get behind me, kid!

Smock : Let me at them, Clint! [Takes a kick at one of the soldiers]

[The party manage to hold their ground, although even more soldiers arrive into the room, heading towards DARIUS and trying to outflank the party. Meanwhile, AUSTIN gets agonisingly close to getting the door unlocked, but is being grabbed at by some of the soldiers.]

Boddy : [Taking a jab at one of the groping hands] We're not going to be able to hold them much longer!

Monty :Whatever is in the altar had better be something very powerful, or I believe we are in serious trouble.

Austin : [Focused in intense lockpicking mode] Nearly there!

Darius : [Starts fending off some soldiers] Hurry up!

[MARIA stabs DARIUS in the back with a sword, causing it to come out the front of his chest.]

Maria : I am invincible!

[AUSTIN tries his skeletal finger in the lock and it slips in easily, and the door unlocks with a click, and slowly swings open. The whole room lights up with a warm orange glow as the door opens, and those nearest can see that there is a large orb in there.]

Maria : Stop them!

Clint: [Observing the orange glow, still fending off soldiers] What happened?! Is it open??

Harvey : Very well done, private Sleaze! Lets see what it is, eh! [Fends off any soldiers allowing Austin time to grab the orb]

[As AUSTIN grabs the orb, DARIUS falls to the ground. The soldiers are clearly uncertain about how to proceed.]

Boddy : [To Austin] That's it! Use it against Maria! Hold it up high and give her a command.

Smock: Norville! [Hurries toward Darius looking for a chance to help him.]

Austin : [To Maria, authoritively] Order them to stop attacking us! [To the soldiers] Stop!

Austin : [Holds the orb high. To Maria] Order them to stop attacking us! [To the soldiers] Stop!

Harvey : [Looks to see the reaction, sword ready incase it doesn't work]

[The soldiers don't quite stop, but certainly seem less enthusiastic. BODDY turns and plunges his sword deep into AUSTIN, causing him to drop to his knees.]

Boddy : [Leans in and whispers something to Austin, before turning to the party] Sorry Clint, but I have to do it. [Grabs the orb and runs towards the dumb waiter]

Clint: [Goes after Boddy, enraged] Traitor!

Smock: [Already looking quite distressed over Darius' death, turns to see Boddy wound Austin.] Austin! [Scrambles over to tend to Austin.] Oh no, oh no, oh no, oh no. [Attempts to staunch the bleeding.]

Austin : [Slumps to his knees, blood pouring from his deep wound, flooding down his white silk hand-embroidered in silver, evening shirt, by Hugio Sucksosi] Nigel you cretin, I would have given it to you if you'd asked [Slides to the floor, clearly loosing too much blood to live much longer. Gasp!]

Boddy : [Squeezing himself into the dumb waiter, but turning to look back] Sorry Clint, but you only just met her - I've known her for hundreds of years. [Cuts the rope and starts plummeting down]

[AUSTIN is clearly in great difficulty. Fortunately, the soldiers seem unsure whether or not to attack.]

Alice : [Joining Smock at Austin's side] Oh no! What the hell is going on? [Turns to Maria] You! Crazy bitch! Get us a doctor!

Maria : No one orders me around, for I am a God!

Smock: [Leaning over Austin] Please don't die! [Places her hands over his wound and mutters something unintelligible.]

Clint: [Screams down the dumbwaiter shaft at Boddy] Fucker! [Pulls his sword out and approaches Maria menacingly] Work some magic mojo on the lawyer, or I swear I'll gut you!

Maria : I am not concerned with the passing of a mere mortal, and I don't need the help of [points accusingly at the soldiers] you, I am moving to a higher level, I am going to fly!

[MARIA acrobatically leaps onto the balcony and jumps off over the edge.]

Borsaloni : [Having just come into the room] Eva! No! [Gasps] She's doing it! She can fly! She can - oh.

[Splat. MARIA hits something very, very hard outside. Meanwhile, AUSTIN stirs a little, clearly a bit healthier as a result of a spell from SMOCK, and off the danger list, but still in trouble.]

Alice : Phew! Well done Smock! [Turns and looks at all the very, very annoyed soldiers] Uh, got any more spells?

Clint: [Moves between Austin and the soldiers, sword out. To the soldiers] Get the hell out of here. Now.

Smock: [Looks back at the soliders] Um. Not for them. [Turns back to Austin and summons her energy once more.]

Borsaloni : You bastards! You have destroyed the mortal vessel of Holy Eva! That is the most heinous thing I have ever seen!

Alice : [Peering over the balcony] Even more heinous than what that guy down there is doing to the mortal vessel? [Shrugs] Who'd have thought that making people afraid of sex would have such strange consequences!

Borsaloni : [Momentarily distracted] This is a disaster of biblical proportions! We're going to kill you all. Then we're going to cut you up and feed you to lions. Then we're going to kill the lions. Then we're going to cut them up and feed them to chickens. Then we're going to kill the chickens and eat them, just so we can shit you out.

Alice : You got that from the bible, huh?

Borsaloni : Yes, on page 29.

Harvey : Just you wait a moment, sir! You are all free of your yoke! You can run and rejoice that your lives are no longer governed by a dictator!

Clint: [Nods] Yeah, so go live it up, why don't you? [To Smock, looking at Austin] Can he walk or do I need to carry him? We gotta move NOW.

Borsaloni : Dictator? You bastard! We're going to kill you!

Alice : He can probably walk, Stinky, but there is the matter of all those angry soldiers in the way.

Alice : Boddy broke it! [Glances at the balcony] How about we swing down off that into the room below - there's bound to be less craziness going on there!

Harvey : Why on earth would those soldiers risk their lives now that they've nothing to fight for? [To the soldiers] Which of you chaps wants to die for nothing?

Clint: [Peers down the dumbwaiter shaft] How about we go this way, then?

Borsaloni : None of us, but we do want to kill you, fat boy.

[The soldiers all cock their swords noisily.]

Clint: [Heads toward the balcony, keeping his sword out and ready] All right, Bimbo! Lead the way.

Harvey : Hmm, I see, sir! I see! [Starts backing up towards the dumb waiter] Well, I think you might have a point there, dearest niece!

[The party all slowly back out together, with AUSTIN leaning on SMOCK.]

Alice : Right, now, what we do is swing down using the curtains. It'll just be like Jane Pond, agent 697, licensed to cross dress.

[The curtains, of course, are now behind the soldiers, and out of reach.]

Alice : Uh, or we might try swinging down with a rope, but be careful! This is all about looking cool.

Alice : It's cooler than being dead! [To Clint] How can he grab the rope? We're out on the balcony! God, you're an idiot, Clint. Hey! I've got some rope, we can use that!

Harvey : [Sadly] There is nothing cool about scarpering from a fight, dearest niece!

Clint: Anybody got a rope? Harv, can you grab enough from the shaft? [Nods at the dumbwaiter's cut rope]

Alice : [Outsnorting Clint's snort] Experienced at kinkily tying up a grown man, Clint?

Clint: [Snorts as he looks at the rope] That rope's only good for kinky crap! It's never gonna support Harv-uh, a grown man!

Harvey : [Claps his hands together] Wonderful dearest niece! You certainly do know how to get us out of a spot of bother, don't you!

Austin : [To ALice] How long is your piece of rope? [Coughs some blood] Will it reach the ground from the balcony? [Gives Smock a kiss on the head. To Smock] Thanks for that, I owe you one.

Alice : [Laughs] Look! Austin left a big lipstick mark on Smock's forehead! [Face drops] Oh, that's blood. [Holds up the rope] No, Aus, sorry, it's not a proper rope, it's just for kinky crap. next floor, but

Austin : It'll get us to the next floor [Quickly ties the rope to a fast point on the balcony To Smock] Ladies first!

Austin : [Looks at the blood thirsty soldiers. To Maria] How could you! I though you loved us! [Looks devastated and pale, and quickly gets down before the altar and starts picking the lock]

Maria : I don't love you! You love me!

[AUSTIN crouches in front of the door and sets to work, with SMOCK and BODDY being pushed back against him.]

Maria : Kill them, kill them all! I command it!

Clint: [Whips out his sword and prepares to fend off any attacks on Austin. To Smock] Get behind me, kid!

Smock : Let me at them, Clint! [Takes a kick at one of the soldiers]

[The party manage to hold their ground, although even more soldiers arrive into the room, heading towards DARIUS and trying to outflank the party. Meanwhile, AUSTIN gets agonisingly close to getting the door unlocked, but is being grabbed at by some of the soldiers.]

Boddy : [Taking a jab at one of the groping hands] We're not going to be able to hold them much longer!

Monty :Whatever is in the altar had better be something very powerful, or I believe we are in serious trouble.

Austin : [Focused in intense lockpicking mode] Nearly there!

Darius : [Starts fending off some soldiers] Hurry up!

[MARIA stabs DARIUS in the back with a sword, causing it to come out the front of his chest.]

Maria : I am invincible!

[AUSTIN tries his skeletal finger in the lock and it slips in easily, and the door unlocks with a click, and slowly swings open. The whole room lights up with a warm orange glow as the door opens, and those nearest can see that there is a large orb in there.]

Maria : Stop them!

Clint: [Observing the orange glow, still fending off soldiers] What happened?! Is it open??

Harvey : Very well done, private Sleaze! Lets see what it is, eh! [Fends off any soldiers allowing Austin time to grab the orb]

[As AUSTIN grabs the orb, DARIUS falls to the ground. The soldiers are clearly uncertain about how to proceed.]

Boddy : [To Austin] That's it! Use it against Maria! Hold it up high and give her a command.

Smock: Norville! [Hurries toward Darius looking for a chance to help him.]

Austin : [To Maria, authoritively] Order them to stop attacking us! [To the soldiers] Stop!

Austin : [Holds the orb high. To Maria] Order them to stop attacking us! [To the soldiers] Stop!

Harvey : [Looks to see the reaction, sword ready incase it doesn't work]

[The soldiers don't quite stop, but certainly seem less enthusiastic. BODDY turns and plunges his sword deep into AUSTIN, causing him to drop to his knees.]

Boddy : [Leans in and whispers something to Austin, before turning to the party] Sorry Clint, but I have to do it. [Grabs the orb and runs towards the dumb waiter]

Clint: [Goes after Boddy, enraged] Traitor!

Smock: [Already looking quite distressed over Darius' death, turns to see Boddy wound Austin.] Austin! [Scrambles over to tend to Austin.] Oh no, oh no, oh no, oh no. [Attempts to staunch the bleeding.]

Austin : [Slumps to his knees, blood pouring from his deep wound, flooding down his white silk hand-embroidered in silver, evening shirt, by Hugio Sucksosi] Nigel you cretin, I would have given it to you if you'd asked [Slides to the floor, clearly loosing too much blood to live much longer. Gasp!]

Boddy : [Squeezing himself into the dumb waiter, but turning to look back] Sorry Clint, but you only just met her - I've known her for hundreds of years. [Cuts the rope and starts plummeting down]

[AUSTIN is clearly in great difficulty. Fortunately, the soldiers seem unsure whether or not to attack.]

Alice : [Joining Smock at Austin's side] Oh no! What the hell is going on? [Turns to Maria] You! Crazy bitch! Get us a doctor!

Maria : No one orders me around, for I am a God!

Smock: [Leaning over Austin] Please don't die! [Places her hands over his wound and mutters something unintelligible.]

Clint: [Screams down the dumbwaiter shaft at Boddy] Fucker! [Pulls his sword out and approaches Maria menacingly] Work some magic mojo on the lawyer, or I swear I'll gut you!

Maria : I am not concerned with the passing of a mere mortal, and I don't need the help of [points accusingly at the soldiers] you, I am moving to a higher level, I am going to fly!

[MARIA acrobatically leaps onto the balcony and jumps off over the edge.]

Borsaloni : [Having just come into the room] Eva! No! [Gasps] She's doing it! She can fly! She can - oh.

[Splat. MARIA hits something very, very hard outside. Meanwhile, AUSTIN stirs a little, clearly a bit healthier as a result of a spell from SMOCK, and off the danger list, but still in trouble.]

Alice : Phew! Well done Smock! [Turns and looks at all the very, very annoyed soldiers] Uh, got any more spells?

Clint: [Moves between Austin and the soldiers, sword out. To the soldiers] Get the hell out of here. Now.

Smock: [Looks back at the soliders] Um. Not for them. [Turns back to Austin and summons her energy once more.]

Borsaloni : You bastards! You have destroyed the mortal vessel of Holy Eva! That is the most heinous thing I have ever seen!

Alice : [Peering over the balcony] Even more heinous than what that guy down there is doing to the mortal vessel? [Shrugs] Who'd have thought that making people afraid of sex would have such strange consequences!

Borsaloni : [Momentarily distracted] This is a disaster of biblical proportions! We're going to kill you all. Then we're going to cut you up and feed you to lions. Then we're going to kill the lions. Then we're going to cut them up and feed them to chickens. Then we're going to kill the chickens and eat them, just so we can shit you out.

Alice : You got that from the bible, huh?

Borsaloni : Yes, on page 29.

Harvey : Just you wait a moment, sir! You are all free of your yoke! You can run and rejoice that your lives are no longer governed by a dictator!

Clint: [Nods] Yeah, so go live it up, why don't you? [To Smock, looking at Austin] Can he walk or do I need to carry him? We gotta move NOW.

Borsaloni : Dictator? You bastard! We're going to kill you!

Alice : He can probably walk, Stinky, but there is the matter of all those angry soldiers in the way.

Alice : Boddy broke it! [Glances at the balcony] How about we swing down off that into the room below - there's bound to be less craziness going on there!

Harvey : Why on earth would those soldiers risk their lives now that they've nothing to fight for? [To the soldiers] Which of you chaps wants to die for nothing?

Clint: [Peers down the dumbwaiter shaft] How about we go this way, then?

Borsaloni : None of us, but we do want to kill you, fat boy.

[The soldiers all cock their swords noisily.]

Clint: [Heads toward the balcony, keeping his sword out and ready] All right, Bimbo! Lead the way.

Harvey : Hmm, I see, sir! I see! [Starts backing up towards the dumb waiter] Well, I think you might have a point there, dearest niece!

[The party all slowly back out together, with AUSTIN leaning on SMOCK.]

Alice : Right, now, what we do is swing down using the curtains. It'll just be like Jane Pond, agent 697, licensed to cross dress.

[The curtains, of course, are now behind the soldiers, and out of reach.]

Alice : Uh, or we might try swinging down with a rope, but be careful! This is all about looking cool.

Alice : It's cooler than being dead! [To Clint] How can he grab the rope? We're out on the balcony! God, you're an idiot, Clint. Hey! I've got some rope, we can use that!

Harvey : [Sadly] There is nothing cool about scarpering from a fight, dearest niece!

Clint: Anybody got a rope? Harv, can you grab enough from the shaft? [Nods at the dumbwaiter's cut rope]

Alice : [Outsnorting Clint's snort] Experienced at kinkily tying up a grown man, Clint?

Clint: [Snorts as he looks at the rope] That rope's only good for kinky crap! It's never gonna support Harv-uh, a grown man!

Harvey : [Claps his hands together] Wonderful dearest niece! You certainly do know how to get us out of a spot of bother, don't you!

Austin : [To ALice] How long is your piece of rope? [Coughs some blood] Will it reach the ground from the balcony? [Gives Smock a kiss on the head. To Smock] Thanks for that, I owe you one.

Alice : [Laughs] Look! Austin left a big lipstick mark on Smock's forehead! [Face drops] Oh, that's blood. [Holds up the rope] No, Aus, sorry, it's not a proper rope, it's just for kinky crap. next floor, but

Austin : It'll get us to the next floor [Quickly ties the rope to a fast point on the balcony To Smock] Ladies first!

Smock: [Reluctant to leave Austin] Okay. I'll help you when you get down then. [Swings over the railing and quickly descends the rope, clearly adept at climbing.]

Harvey : [Shocked] By the saints, private Sleaze! You left a young cadet descend into the unknown without any idea what dangers are awaiting him! [Shakes his head] You go next and make sure he's alright. [Pauses and nods towards the altar] Good work back there, by the way, private!

Alice : Harvey! Austin's a bit too busy bleeding to go next!

Clint : I'll go. [Slips over the edge and starts climbing down]

[BORSALNOI and company advance, but ALICE, HARVEY and MONTY hold them at bay, parrying their blows.]

Monty : One hopes the bondage rope can sustain all our weight at the same time.

[All four of the remaining party members dramatically swing onto the rope, amidst much sword swinging.]

Borsaloni : I'll cut the rope!

[BORSALONI slashes through the rope, sending the party crashing through the window on the next floor down.]

Borsaloni : Got them!

Templeton : And how are we supposed to get down?

[All the soldiers look over the balcony with sad expressions, and everyone gives a huge sigh at the same time.]

[Book V, Act IV, Scene VII. The boat room. AUSTIN, CLINT and SMOCK are here, in another large room with double doors, and a huge boat in the middle of it. There are several other people here, most of them wearing animal costumes, including NOAH SARK(PIG), NELLY TRUNKINGTON(ELEPHANT), GERRY LONGNECK(GIRAFFE) and BRUCE DUNDEE(KANGEROO). Enter ALICE, HARVEY and MONTY, crashing through the window and onto the floor.]

### Lose 6hp each Alice, Harvey and Monty

Noah : Hey! What the hell are you doing?

Noah Sark

Bruce Dundee

Nelly Trunkington

Gerry Longneck

Smock: [Pauses, considering herself and Austin covered in blood and the broken window. Brightly to Noah] We're rehearsing for a play. Um, a dramatic tale of daring and bravery, swashbuckling heroes and buxom damsels. [Smiles.]

Noah : [Outraged] What? What? [Suddenly calm but interested, with something of a smile] Uh, buxom damsels?

Smock: Yes... [Glances to the rest of the party. To Noah] Two of them... Twins in fact. We're just on our way to rescue them. Sorry to interrupt. Um. May I ask what exactly we're interrupting?

Noah : Twins? [Big smile] Perfect! [Waves at the boat] We're building a boat!

Gerry : [Interjecting] Ship.

Noah : Uh, yeah, a ship.

Smock: Why?

Noah : Because a boat would be too small!

[Everyone except the party members roar laughing at this.]

Noah : [Seeing the serious looks of the party] Uh, to preserve two of each animal.

Austin : [Wiping some blood from his mouth with a white silk handkerchief] Preserve them from what? [Looks around the room to see what else is here. Stands up]

Monty : [Dusting himself off nonchalantly.] More to the point, how near is it to completion in order to carry out that task?

Smock: And why are you dressed up like that?

Clint: [To Smock] I think you meant, Why are you dressed like that, freak?

Alice : [Slaps Clint's arm] Don't call Smock a freak!

Noah : To make sure we get on board! Our fine ship is almost complete. [Pats it happily, blisfully ignoring the many gaps in the wood in the hull]

Clint: [To Alice, jabbing a finger at the manimals] Not her, them! They're the freaks! [To Noah] So, where you planning to float this boat, freak?

Smock: [Whilst Clint is interrogating the manimals, non-chalantly edges toward the exit.]

Harvey : [Eyeing the pig hungrily] I see, you're building a ship, indoors, I might add, to preserve animals. A sort of non-floating landlocked barbeque?

Austin : [Deeply impressed with Smock's nonchalance, nonchalantly moves to the exit as well] Will the ship fit out of the window, I wonder.

Monty : [Quietly.] Ahem. I think that Smock is quite correct. We should be going. [Edges towards the exit in a similarly nonchalant fashion.]

Noah : Window? What do you mean? [Looks at the nonchalance of Smock, Monty and Austin for a moment, before turning away, clearly unperturbed at them heading towards the door]

[One of the double doors is ajar, and the party can hear the sound of many people charging down the stairs.]

Alice : Look, we suspect you're idiots. First of all, you don't have two of each animal, just one. Secondly, they're not animals, just people dressed up in unconvincing costumes. Third, there isn't going to be any flood, and fourthly, even if there was, how on earth are you going to get this boat out of the room?

Noah : Damn! [Thumps the ship angrily, before calming himself down] I mean, uh, [angry again] damn!

Austin : [Suprised at Alice] You tell'em gurl! We'd better hurry before the others catch up!

Clint : [Slamming the door shut, hitting Borsaloni in the face with it] They already have! How are we going to get through them all?

Harvey : Perhaps we could hide on the ship? [Eyes the costumes] Or perhaps even use something to disguise ourselves?

Harvey : Perhaps we can wedge the ship through the door!

Noah : [Defensively standing in front of the bow of the ship] No! Anyway, like one of you said, the ship's too big to fit out the window!

Alice : [Nudges Harvey] The door's bigger than the window!

Nelly : Noah! Noah!

Noah : What?

Nelly : Sorry, I meant, No! No!

[The crowd outside begin trying to break the door, which, rather conveniently, opens out.]

Alice : [To Harvey] You mean, sail it out of here?

Harvey : [With a big smile] All aboard, shipmates! Let's let loose the sails and breathe out mightily!

Alice : Yay! I love sailing! [Face drops slightly] Well, except for all the shouting about being a stupid, useless girl, [face drops more] and being constantly smacked in the head by that big stick*, [looks annoyed] and trying to do a pee in that tiny little room, [pretty angry] and all that sick about the place, man, I [emphasis] hate sailing! ### She means the boom.

Harvey : Ah come now, dearest niece! Just think of the adventure, the feeling of salty spray in the face, dancing the pipehorn on a balmy summers eve, the mermaids!

Monty : Ahem. Some of which are only likely once the vessel is underway, and presently that is not the case. [To Noah.] Admittedly, it would be best to see whether it can be made to fit through the door before continuing work on it, so perhaps there is some merit to the idea of present egress by that means.

Austin : Who is going to launch the ship?

Monty : [Pleasantly.] Oh, I'm sure that the talented builders of the fine vessel would be best-suited to handling the launch whilst we take note of what happens from safely aboard. Much better than if we were to try to launch it with them aboard, certainly, since they're the ones with experience in these matters.

Smock: Yeah. And we wouldn't want to wreck their stuff or nothin'.

Alice : But wouldn't it make more sense if we were on the boat?

Smock: [To Noah] So how do we get into this boat... ship?

Noah : [Points to a rope ladder] Just climb up this ladder, see, where the champagne bottle is ready to be broken for the launch. [Points at a tiny bottle of champagne, which is hanging beside the name of the ship, the "Titan Id"]

Smock: [Suddenly excited] I bags smashing the bottle! [Eyes Clint before making a run for the ladder.]

Austin : [Sauntering towards the ladder, still nonchalantly, wearing his shades] I can see that hiding in a ship and launching out of the doors is really going to catch them by suprise. Only a shame we don't have any cocktails!

Clint: [Darts for the ladder and tries to beat Smock to the bottle] Outta the way, kid!

Smock: [Jostles with Clint.] You get outta the way! I bagsed it. It's mine!

Clint: [Snorts] Bagsing it doesn't count when you got an Age-Before-Runty-Little-Pipsqueak situation. Which we do. [Attempts to pick up Smock and move her out of the way]

[SMOCK grabs the bottle, but is quickly grabbed by CLINT. ALICE siezes the opportunity to snatch it from SMOCK.]

Alice : Yoink! [Throws it hard at the hull]

[The bottle bounces off the hull and hits ALICE on the head, but doesn't break.]

Alice : Ow!

Noah : Of course, it isn't a [emphasis] real bottle.

Smock: [Frowns at the fake bottle.] That's stupid. What's the point of it if it doesn't smash? [Squirms. To Clint] Let go of me, bully!

Austin : [To Clint] Please stop molesting cadet Smock, Mr Scar. It's most unsightly.

Clint: [Releases Smock. To Austin] Just having some fun with the kid. What, are you her mother or something?!

Smock: [Laughs. Screws up her nose.] He's not my mum! He's too skinny and prissy.

Clint: [Outraged] What the hell are you talking about, egghead?!

Monty : Quite right. [Distastefully.] You'd undoubtedly end up with one of those two-father families if Mr. Scar was involved. [Calls down to Noah.] Well, now that the mock-christening has taken place, it's time to launch!

Alice : [To Smock] This is where it gets ugly. Well, uglier.

Smock: Uh oh. [Grabs Clint's arm.] Come on. We gotta hide inside before this ship is launched!

Clint: [Looks at Monty suspiciously and allows Smock to pull him along. To Smock] That'll be easy for you, shrimp. We'll just find an overturned bucket or something!

Smock: [Makes a face at Clint.] And I'm sure you'll fit perfectly in the gorilla's stall. [Goes to hide below deck with Clint.]

Austin : [To Smock] It's never a bad thing to cut a dash, especially if you're a hero adventurer.

Smock: [To Alice] I thought you hate sailing.

Noah : [Calling to the party, who are all now on board] Right, we'll push you to the top of the stairs, and then you put the brakes on to give us a chance to get on board.

[NOAH and the animals push the ship out through the double doors, into a sea of angry soldiers and hysterical civilians.]

Alice : [Eyes lighting up as she catches hold of the rudder] I'll drive!

Smock: [Beams at Austin.] Just cuz you're prissy don't mean I don't think you're great!

Alice : That's only because any time I've been sailing, there's always been someone barking orders at me. This time I'm in charge, so there's going to be none of that. And address me as Captain when speaking to me, ye landlubbing swab!

Alice : Avast, Mr. Clint! Any more o' that talk, lad, and I'll have ye clapped in irons, ye mutinous cur!

Clint: [Gives Alice a one-fingered salute] Aye aye, Cap!

Smock: [To Alice] Cap'n sir, um ma'am. Can ye make 'im swab the decks! That'd be a sight t' see! [Smirks at Clint.]

Smock: [Complains] But that's a stinky name! [Abruptly remembers herself and salutes curtly.] I mean, yessir cap'n! [Finds an old rag on deck and ties it around her head like a bandana.]

Alice : [Producing a filthy captain's had from somewhere around the tiller] Ahoy there, ship mate, Smock, I declare that ye be me first mate, and I'll need to give ye a nickname. [Thinks for a moment] Let's call you Clint!

Clint: [To Smock] It's a man's name, you little brat! Wear it proud! [To Alice] What are we gonna call you? Cap'n Skank?

Alice : Good lad, young Clint!

Harvey : But Alice, we can't call her Clint, Clint's called Clint.

Alice : Ah, but I'm already in the habit of calling her Clint! Couldn't we call Clint something else?

Alice : As long as you call me Captain, Stinky, I don't mind. Now, [calls over the side] Heave!

[NOAH and the others all give a hefty push, but the ship moves backwards a few feet, trapping NELLY's trunk.]

Nelly : Aiiiieee!

Alice : Oops! I had it in reverse. Let's try again!

[Another push sends the ship in the right direction, carving through the people outside and headed towards the stairs. It looks as though the ship is just small enough to fit down the stairs. As long as there is some skilled driving.]

Alice : Yeeeha! [Accidently scrapes the side of the ship off the wall]

Smock: [Leaning over the side, one hand shading her eyes as she plays lookout.] Watch out cap'n! There be dangerous reefs ahead!

Austin : [Swiftly raises a hastely made Jolly Rodger (skull and and crossbones)] Aaahaarr! We be scurvy pirates! Hoist the mainsail and get her underway!

Borsaloni : [At the top of the stairs] Stop! I command you to stop!

[As BORSALONI realises that the ship won't stop, he turns and runs, but is impaled on the front of the ship.]

Alice : Yay! We've got a figurehead!

Noah : [As the ship goes down the stairs] No! Wait for us!

Monty : I'm not sure what that particular figurehead says about the ship and crew, but he serves better in that capacity than any other, regardless.

Austin : [Sighs ans Borsalloni dies. Sigh] Why are we always the center of so much death and destruction.

Alice : That's what happens when you spend all your time saving the world!

[The ship is approaches the landing, which ALICE somehow manages to steer around.]

Alice : Right! Uh, where are we going?

Monty : [Distractedly.] This whole Path business, of course. [Normally.] Although at least we're not at the center of death and destruction akin to that of Dr. Trindle.

Austin : [To Alice, hugging onto the mast in the turbulence] Down and out if ye are able Captain! [Points down the stairs]

Alice : What about Dominique, Number One?

Monty : I'm rather afraid that we won't get much of a chance to stop and search for her, but if we spot her along the way, ah... [Glances about to see what supplies are stowed on deck.] Throw her a rope, perhaps.

Harvey : [Slightly green] Dearest niece, we must first make our escape from this place, before formulating a plan about Dominique! Besides, I'm not sure ships go backwards up stairways!

Alice : Are you sure she's upstairs? Didn't Boddy go down in the dumb waiter? Where's that likely to go? Oh, what's that place where servants live? Food comes from there?

Clint: What the hell are you people talking about?! Of course we're springing Dominique! [To Alice] Steer this thing downstairs!

Monty : [Placatingly.] Of course we will, Mr. Scar. But we do need to put those zealots off our trail to accomplish the rescue, which is why we're making this tactical withdrawl. Purely temporary, of course. And if we *do* manage to secure Dominique's escape along the way, so much the better.

Alice : The kitchen! That's where it is. [To Monty] Sorry, Monts, but we've got to go after her. Who knows what Boddy's up to? [Pauses for a moment as she looks around the party, before continuing, annoyed] Well? Who?

Clint: [Snarls at Monty] When did you get it in your head that you're in charge around here, anyway?! [To Alice] I know what he's up to! He's trying to steal my woman!!!

Austin : [To Clint, in a swashbuckling fashion] Easy as she goes number one sir! The Colonel is still in charge and that mutinous landlubbin cur Monty knows it! [Looks around] Even if we are currently in a land based anphibious vessel!

Austin : Who is going to launch the ship?

Monty : [Pleasantly.] Oh, I'm sure that the talented builders of the fine vessel would be best-suited to handling the launch whilst we take note of what happens from safely aboard. Much better than if we were to try to launch it with them aboard, certainly, since they're the ones with experience in these matters.

Smock: Yeah. And we wouldn't want to wreck their stuff or nothin'.

Alice : But wouldn't it make more sense if we were on the boat?

Smock: [To Noah] So how do we get into this boat... ship?

Noah : [Points to a rope ladder] Just climb up this ladder, see, where the champagne bottle is ready to be broken for the launch. [Points at a tiny bottle of champagne, which is hanging beside the name of the ship, the "Titan Id"]

Smock: [Suddenly excited] I bags smashing the bottle! [Eyes Clint before making a run for the ladder.]

Austin : [Sauntering towards the ladder, still nonchalantly, wearing his shades] I can see that hiding in a ship and launching out of the doors is really going to catch them by suprise. Only a shame we don't have any cocktails!

Clint: [Darts for the ladder and tries to beat Smock to the bottle] Outta the way, kid!

Smock: [Jostles with Clint.] You get outta the way! I bagsed it. It's mine!

Clint: [Snorts] Bagsing it doesn't count when you got an Age-Before-Runty-Little-Pipsqueak situation. Which we do. [Attempts to pick up Smock and move her out of the way]

[SMOCK grabs the bottle, but is quickly grabbed by CLINT. ALICE siezes the opportunity to snatch it from SMOCK.]

Alice : Yoink! [Throws it hard at the hull]

[The bottle bounces off the hull and hits ALICE on the head, but doesn't break.]

Alice : Ow!

Noah : Of course, it isn't a [emphasis] real bottle.

Smock: [Frowns at the fake bottle.] That's stupid. What's the point of it if it doesn't smash? [Squirms. To Clint] Let go of me, bully!

Austin : [To Clint] Please stop molesting cadet Smock, Mr Scar. It's most unsightly.

Clint: [Releases Smock. To Austin] Just having some fun with the kid. What, are you her mother or something?!

Smock: [Laughs. Screws up her nose.] He's not my mum! He's too skinny and prissy.

Clint: [Outraged] What the hell are you talking about, egghead?!

Monty : Quite right. [Distastefully.] You'd undoubtedly end up with one of those two-father families if Mr. Scar was involved. [Calls down to Noah.] Well, now that the mock-christening has taken place, it's time to launch!

Alice : [To Smock] This is where it gets ugly. Well, uglier.

Smock: Uh oh. [Grabs Clint's arm.] Come on. We gotta hide inside before this ship is launched!

Clint: [Looks at Monty suspiciously and allows Smock to pull him along. To Smock] That'll be easy for you, shrimp. We'll just find an overturned bucket or something!

Smock: [Makes a face at Clint.] And I'm sure you'll fit perfectly in the gorilla's stall. [Goes to hide below deck with Clint.]

Austin : [To Smock] It's never a bad thing to cut a dash, especially if you're a hero adventurer.

Smock: [To Alice] I thought you hate sailing.

Noah : [Calling to the party, who are all now on board] Right, we'll push you to the top of the stairs, and then you put the brakes on to give us a chance to get on board.

[NOAH and the animals push the ship out through the double doors, into a sea of angry soldiers and hysterical civilians.]

Alice : [Eyes lighting up as she catches hold of the rudder] I'll drive!

Smock: [Beams at Austin.] Just cuz you're prissy don't mean I don't think you're great!

Alice : That's only because any time I've been sailing, there's always been someone barking orders at me. This time I'm in charge, so there's going to be none of that. And address me as Captain when speaking to me, ye landlubbing swab!

Alice : Avast, Mr. Clint! Any more o' that talk, lad, and I'll have ye clapped in irons, ye mutinous cur!

Clint: [Gives Alice a one-fingered salute] Aye aye, Cap!

Smock: [To Alice] Cap'n sir, um ma'am. Can ye make 'im swab the decks! That'd be a sight t' see! [Smirks at Clint.]

Smock: [Complains] But that's a stinky name! [Abruptly remembers herself and salutes curtly.] I mean, yessir cap'n! [Finds an old rag on deck and ties it around her head like a bandana.]

Alice : [Producing a filthy captain's had from somewhere around the tiller] Ahoy there, ship mate, Smock, I declare that ye be me first mate, and I'll need to give ye a nickname. [Thinks for a moment] Let's call you Clint!

Clint: [To Smock] It's a man's name, you little brat! Wear it proud! [To Alice] What are we gonna call you? Cap'n Skank?

Alice : Good lad, young Clint!

Harvey : But Alice, we can't call her Clint, Clint's called Clint.

Alice : Ah, but I'm already in the habit of calling her Clint! Couldn't we call Clint something else?

Alice : As long as you call me Captain, Stinky, I don't mind. Now, [calls over the side] Heave!

[NOAH and the others all give a hefty push, but the ship moves backwards a few feet, trapping NELLY's trunk.]

Nelly : Aiiiieee!

Alice : Oops! I had it in reverse. Let's try again!

[Another push sends the ship in the right direction, carving through the people outside and headed towards the stairs. It looks as though the ship is just small enough to fit down the stairs. As long as there is some skilled driving.]

Alice : Yeeeha! [Accidently scrapes the side of the ship off the wall]

Smock: [Leaning over the side, one hand shading her eyes as she plays lookout.] Watch out cap'n! There be dangerous reefs ahead!

Austin : [Swiftly raises a hastely made Jolly Rodger (skull and and crossbones)] Aaahaarr! We be scurvy pirates! Hoist the mainsail and get her underway!

Borsaloni : [At the top of the stairs] Stop! I command you to stop!

[As BORSALONI realises that the ship won't stop, he turns and runs, but is impaled on the front of the ship.]

Alice : Yay! We've got a figurehead!

Noah : [As the ship goes down the stairs] No! Wait for us!

Monty : I'm not sure what that particular figurehead says about the ship and crew, but he serves better in that capacity than any other, regardless.

Austin : [Sighs ans Borsalloni dies. Sigh] Why are we always the center of so much death and destruction.

Alice : That's what happens when you spend all your time saving the world!

[The ship is approaches the landing, which ALICE somehow manages to steer around.]

Alice : Right! Uh, where are we going?

Monty : [Distractedly.] This whole Path business, of course. [Normally.] Although at least we're not at the center of death and destruction akin to that of Dr. Trindle.

Austin : [To Alice, hugging onto the mast in the turbulence] Down and out if ye are able Captain! [Points down the stairs]

Alice : What about Dominique, Number One?

Monty : I'm rather afraid that we won't get much of a chance to stop and search for her, but if we spot her along the way, ah... [Glances about to see what supplies are stowed on deck.] Throw her a rope, perhaps.

Harvey : [Slightly green] Dearest niece, we must first make our escape from this place, before formulating a plan about Dominique! Besides, I'm not sure ships go backwards up stairways!

Alice : Are you sure she's upstairs? Didn't Boddy go down in the dumb waiter? Where's that likely to go? Oh, what's that place where servants live? Food comes from there?

Clint: What the hell are you people talking about?! Of course we're springing Dominique! [To Alice] Steer this thing downstairs!

Monty : [Placatingly.] Of course we will, Mr. Scar. But we do need to put those zealots off our trail to accomplish the rescue, which is why we're making this tactical withdrawl. Purely temporary, of course. And if we *do* manage to secure Dominique's escape along the way, so much the better.

Alice : The kitchen! That's where it is. [To Monty] Sorry, Monts, but we've got to go after her. Who knows what Boddy's up to? [Pauses for a moment as she looks around the party, before continuing, annoyed] Well? Who?

Clint: [Snarls at Monty] When did you get it in your head that you're in charge around here, anyway?! [To Alice] I know what he's up to! He's trying to steal my woman!!!

Austin : [To Clint, in a swashbuckling fashion] Easy as she goes number one sir! The Colonel is still in charge and that mutinous landlubbin cur Monty knows it! [Looks around] Even if we are currently in a land based anphibious vessel!

Smock: I'm confused... Where are we going?

Alice : Don't be silly, boys, there won't be any soldiers in the galley. We're on a boat, so you need to watch out for any sea men that Noah and his friends left behind. How dangerous can Noah's sea men be? [Veers left as per Harvey's instruction, before turning a hard right as his nose twitches in that direction, sending the ship heading towards a large double doors]

Harvey : Well then, to find that most sacred of rooms, we must employ the greatest of technologies! [Sniffs mightily] Aha, full steam ahead, troop, with perhaps a slight turn to the left!

Smock: I'm confused... Where are we going?

Alice : Don't be silly, boys, there won't be any soldiers in the galley. We're on a boat, so you need to watch out for any sea men that Noah and his friends left behind. How dangerous can Noah's sea men be? [Veers left as per Harvey's instruction, before turning a hard right as his nose twitches in that direction, sending the ship heading towards a large double doors]

Harvey : Well then, to find that most sacred of rooms, we must employ the greatest of technologies! [Sniffs mightily] Aha, full steam ahead, troop, with perhaps a slight turn to the left!

Monty : While that may be true, the galley would also be adjacent to the kitchen. Besides which, it's probably best to give Mr. Scar something to vent his anger on; enemy soldiers will do quite nicely. Ahem. And I suppose that it would allow him to make a more dashing rescue, if he's of a mind to impress Dominique.

Harvey : [Beaming with delight] The kitchen, my lad! The kitchen!

[The ship crashes through the doors.]

Noah : [Pursuing the ship, and, incredibly, almost catching it] I've got it! I've got it!

[Smack. The swinging doors fly back and knock him to the ground.]

[Book V, Act IV, Scene VIII. The Kitchen. ALICE, AUSTIN, CLINT, HARVEY, MONTY and SMOCK are here, on board the ship which slowly grinds to a halt. Only NICOLE is here, lying on the ground, turned away from the party. She is near the dumb waiter, which is here, so it is reasonable to assume that this is where BODDY got off.]

Clint : Nicole! [Leaps out of the ship] That bastard Boddy, what the hell has he done with Dominique?

Alice : [Also leaps out, and ends up knee deep in a huge cake] What the hell is going on here?

Austin : [To Harvey] Is this really an appropriate time to be searching for the galley? It could be full of soldiers!

Smock: [Climbing out of the ship. To Clint with worried look] Is she alive? [Glances back at the double doors, listening for the oncoming mob.]

Nicole : [Stirs, and turns to the party] What happened?

Smock: Boddy turned out to be a traitor! He nearly killed Austin and ran off with the magic thingy! And, um, Maria killed Norville... [Goes to open the window.]

Monty : Given the nature of the construction and providers, it would probably be more accurate to designate it as an artificial reef in the making. Ahem. But if you're all determined to race back into a situation which is by past experience either utterly disastrous or completely under control, then we'd best find a route to the aforementioned kitchen before the pursuit has time to catch up again.

Austin : [Goes over to Nicole, coughing up some more blood, to see if she is alright] Nicole? Are you okay?

Smock: [Anxiously] We gotta go. If those soliders catch up with us, no one's going to be okay! [To Nicole] Can you walk? [To Clint] Can you help out?

Clint: [Offers Nicole a hand. To Nicole] What happened here?! Did you see Boddy, or what?

Clint: [Bellows] Over my dead body! Where's the church?!

Nicole : [To Smock] Don't worry about Norville, he can look after himself. [Takes Clint's hand as she gets up] I'm okay, Aus, but Boddy has taken Dominique to the church, [dramatically] to marry her!

Nicole : Upstairs.

Clint: [Whips out his sword and looks around frantically] Where are the stairs?!

Austin : [Looks alarmed] Trindle murdered Lucy on the eve of our wedding, there must be something connecting marriage and the path, [Ponders] all of those brides and grooms in that other dimension where we rescued Clint, , all that heart buisness. [Frowns] What does it all mean? Some critical part of the path I guess! I think we must stop them from getting married, or something terrible will happen!

Smock: [Despairingly] But upstairs is covered with soldiers!

Alice : Don't be ridiculous, Smock, it's not covered with soldiers. [Draws her sword] At least a quarter of them are angry from an angry mob of civilians!

Smock: Fine. If you want to get yourselves killed then... then I'm coming too! [Pulls out a dagger and goes to stand between Austin and the door. To Austin] You can't fight okay, because I won't be able to heal you again. [To Monty] Are you coming, Monty? You're the bestest fighter of everyone!

Alice : Come on, we're not going to get killed! It's gonna be great! We're going to be heroes, and then Clint can marry her instead!

Smock: [Agreeing with Alice] Yeah. [Even more convinced] Yeah! That's right! Because you guys are heroes! You can smash them to pieces without even breaking a sweat. You just didn't before because we had to save Nicole and daringly ride a ship through the sea of enemies!

Alice : Uh, yeah, sure!

Clint: [To Alice, dazed] Uh, wait--get married?! We haven't even gotten to the sin-soaked stage of our relationship where I eventually accidentally knock her up!

Austin : [As Smock take a position defending him, reddies his sling shot. To Smock] You don't mind it I shoot a few do you?

Alice : [Squeezes Clint's arm reassuringly] Aw! I didn't know you were such a romantic!

Smock: [Smiles at Austin, her confidence evidently restored] Sure! Long as you don't get too close. [Grins at Clint] You're gonna be a daddy? Really? This is gonna be great!

Clint: [Uneasily] Yeah, great. [With more resolve] We gotta stop this wedding! Let's go!

Alice : [With a big smile] That's right, Auntie Smock!

[The party turn and face the door, adopting a dramatic pose as they ready their weapons. Enter JOHN TOULOUSE, who takes a quick picture.]

John Toulouse

John : Woo! Front page tomorrow!

[JOHN ducks out of view as the rampaging mob come charging towards the doorway, disappointingly unintimidated by the party's cool pose.]

href=http://www.queens-view.com/Cast/johntoulouse.html>John

Smock: [Pulls a leaf out of her pocket and says something in a strange tongue.]

[A jet of flame comes up from SMOCK's hand, and holds its position there, about fourteen inches long. It clearly isn't doing her any harm.]

Alice : Well done, Short Round. [Dramatically to the others] Now, let's show them what happens when they mess with the Queens View party. We're going to introduce them to a whole world of pain. They have no idea what they're messing with. Oh, hang on a sec. [Adjusts her underpants] Sorry, but that was going to get really annoying in the battle. [Loudly] Chaaarge!

Austin : [Standing behind Smock, sling aimed, ready to fire. To Smock] Impressive moves there, cadet Smock!

Smock: [Enthusiastically, trying to look somewhat heroic] Yeah! [Glances back to check on Austin before running into the fray.]

Harvey : By the saints, now that's what I call enthusiasm for battle! [Looks admiringly at Alice, before stumbling forward] Gah, still have my sea legs, what!

Harvey : Come on troop, let's get them! [Attacks] ### We won't do individual attacks for this fight, rather everyone ### rolls together, as I think that'll be more exciting. All I'm going to ### do is roll a d20 for the party, and one for the mob. The party ### get a +1 due to being better organised while the mob get a +2 ### if they're on the stairs when fighting. ### If the party hit, they advance 2-4 mob members. ### If the mob hit, then 1-3 randomly chosen party members ### will be hit for 1-10 damage. It is possible for a character ### to be hit more than once in one round, unless they are ### out of range, as Austin is at the moment. ### Unlike normal fights, I won't wait for two other people to ### post before doing the next round ### No critical hits or hit tables either, just damage.

Updated map

[The party engage the mob, who are armed with everything from swords to bits of furniture. One of the mob smashes CLINT on the head with a leg taken from a priceless antique table.]

### Party roll 9+1 ### Mob roll 13, hit 1 PC. ### Clint lose 9hp

Alice : [Frustrated] Gah! Come on! ### Party roll 20! ### Mob roll 15. ### Party advance 3

Alice : [Stabbing a mob member] I hate mobs! That I'm not part of!

[The party force their way forward, and are almost at the bottom of the stairs.]

Mob member 1 : For Maria! [Gets stabbed by Harvey]

Updated map

Clint: [Scowls at Smock] There's no baby, kid! [Keeps on whacking away at the mob and looking for any signs of Boddy or Dominique]

Smock: For Clint's baby! On 25/10/05, Heather wrote: ### Party roll 6+1 =7. ### Mob roll 2! ### Party advance 1.

Nicole : Hurry! If he marries her while he has that orb, she'll love him for ever!

[Spurred on by this, the party advance further, so they're now at the bottom of the stairs. Several mob members are trampled underfoot, by both the party and the mob, but others are now coming in around the back.]

Updated map

Clint: [To Smock] Aw, thanks, kid! [Tries to push through the mob up the stairs, still hacking away]

Smock: [Attempting to remain between Austin and the mob. To Clint] Not yet! But it's yours or Boddy's and I don't want another Boddy! ### Party roll 4 ### Mob roll 6+1. Hit 1. Clint : 6.

Alice : We could go on the Jenny Jessy Raphael show and have you do a paternity test!

[Speakers along the wall crackle to life, and the party hear a voice, presumeably that of a priest, speaking.]

Priest : Dearly beloved, we are gathered here in the eyes of Phili to join this man, and this woman in holy matrimony.

[The mob hold their ground, with CLINT being wounded.]

### Party roll 11. ### Mob roll 1+1. Advance 2.

Alice : Oh no! We're going to be late for the church! [Turns to Dominique] Does it count if we turn up in time for the reception?

Dominique : [Dramatically] I'm afraid not!

[The party slowly force their way up the stairs, with several mob members falling over the edge.]

Updated Map

Austin : [To Alice] With any luck that photographer will slow the ceremonry down with lots of posing for shots etc!

Clint: [Fighting wildly to get to the top of the stairs. To Nicole] How do you know all of this crap?! ### Party roll 11 ### Mob roll 11+1. Hit 3. ### Harvey lose 8hp ### Nicole lose 6hp ### Monty lose 9hp

Alice : [To Austin] Cool! If ever we deserved to be on the front page, it's after this!

Nicole : [To Clint] I used a similar strategy when I married Norville.

[As the PRIEST continues over the intercom, the mob stand their ground, with each of HARVEY, NICOLE and MONTY getting wounded.]

Clint: [To the party] Boost me up! I'll walk over the top of this damn mob if I have to! Hurry!!

Smock: [To Nicole] Then why aren't you sad that he died? On 25/10/05, Heather wrote: ### Party roll 19 ### Mob roll 10. Advance 2.

Nicole : Ah, he's done that loads of times. Believe me, honey, when you're older you'll see what lengths men will go to when they want to avoid commitment.

[The party fight their way onto the landing, but the mob keep coming. More voices can be heard over the intercom.]

Priest : And lo, the lord did say that on this, the most joyous of occasions, we must read from the very long and boring book.

Boddy : [Snarling] Look, Padre, skip the intro, just cut to the chase, we're in rush!

Updated Map

Clint: [Bellows] Dominique! Stop the ceremony! [Keeps fighting and working toward the church]

Smock: [To Nicole] So he won't stay dead then? Oh. That's good. But it does seem like Clint's fighting [emphasis] for committment. Is that good? ### Party roll 7+1=8 ### Mob roll 9. Hit 3. ### Harvey lose 7 ### Alice lose 4 ### Smock lose 8

Alice : Oh man! Look at how many there are!

[The mob fight back viciously, with each of HARVEY, ALICE and SMOCK being wounded. The PRIEST continues.]

Priest : Do you, Nigel Tiberius Boddy, take this woman to be your lawful wedded wife?

Clint: [Shrieks] Boddy you fucker!!! ### Party roll 13+1=14 ### Mob roll 7. Advance 3.

Nicole : [To Smock] Well, I sure hope he doesn't stay dead, it'll be a real waste of that orb if he does! Yes, it does [emphasis] seem like Clint's fighting for commitment. And yes, that would be good.

Boddy : [Over the intercom] I do.

[The party force their way further along the landing.]

Nicole : We're nearly there! The church is on the next level!

Updated Map

Smock: [To Nicole] So that's what that was for! [Frowning at the endless mob] This is gonna take forever! [Swings at an angry zealot.] I wish that boat would've sailed uphill. ### Party roll 4+1=5. ### Mob rolls 11. Hit 3. ### Clint lose 5 ### Alice lose 9 ### Smock lose 6

Alice : Couldn't work, Smock, not enough wind!

[The mob hold the party, and inflict wounds on CLINT, ALICE and SMOCK.]

Boddy : [On the intercom] I do. ### Party roll 5 ### Mob roll 15. Hit 2. ### Clint lose 1 ### Monty lose 10

Priest : And do you, Dominique Michelle Sydney Nicole Danielle Dominique, take this man to be your lawful wedded wife?

[The mob hold firm, inflicting wounds on CLINT and MONTY.]

Dominique : [Speaking over the intercom] Uh, wife?

Clint: [Redoubles his efforts to hack through the crowd and calls out to Dominique] Lumpy's coming for you, babe! Hang on!

Clint: [Jubilant] Tell him to go to hell, woman! [Gleefully keeps hacking through the mob to reach Dominique] ### Party roll 13+1=14. ### Mob roll 6. Advance 2.

Boddy : [Over the intercom] Look, you idiot, I told you, we're in a rush!

Priest : Sorry! Sorry! Now you've made me lose my place, and I'm going to have to start all over again.

[There's a brief scream over the intercom, as the party force their way along, so that they are almost to the end of the landing, and about to ascend the final set of stairs.]

Boddy : You'll live, it's just a finger. Now get to it!

Updated Map

Harvey : [Punching and slashing] Ha, that's it girl! Pick holes in everything the priest says!

Harvey : Oh I say, now that's just not done, what! Cutting the finger off a holy man, the cur! [Attacks with renewed anger]

Austin : [Starts loading two bulletsd into his sling at a time, figuring that he can't miss such a big crowd, firing zealously. Shouting to the priest] Run for your life Priest! He'll kill you if you wed them! ### Party roll 10 ### Mob rolls 11. Hit 3. ### Nicole lose 1 ### Monty lose 3 ### Austin lose 8

Alice : Maybe that's all that was left!

[The mob ferociously defend the bottom of the stairs, wounding NICOLE, MONTY and AUSTIN as they do.]

Priest : [Stammering and stuttering over the intercom] Do, do you, Dominique Michelle Sydney Nicole Danielle Dominique, take this man to be your lawful wedded husband?

Smock : [As Austin goes down unconscious] Austin!

Clint: [To Smock, watching Austin fall] Stay with him, kid. You don't look so hot yourself! [Pushing forward through the mob with increasing desperation]

Harvey : [Sheaths his sword and attacks using his martial arts experience] By the saints, troop, we'll be hard pushed to make it in time!

Nicole : No, Smock! We'll carry him, if we leave him he's dead. ### Party roll 8+1=9 ### Mob now get a +5 bonus as three party members are ### no longer fighting ### Mob roll 3+5=8. Advance 2.

[NICOLE and SMOCK grab AUSTIN, and somehow fend off blows from the mob as the party push around the corner and onto the stairs. There are at least thirty more mob members there.]

Dominique : [Over the intercom] I do.

Alice : Come on! He's about to ask if anyone knows why it should be stopped!

Updated map ### Party roll 6 ### Mob roll 6+5+2=13. Hit 3. ### Nicole loses 7 ###Monty loses 8 ### Clint loses 9

Priest : [Over the intercom] If anyone knows of any just reason why these two should not be united in marriage, [dramatically] speak now or forever hold your peace.

[The mob appear to be getting the upper hand, but a call from behind them makes them stop. Standing up there, pointing a cannon down at the party is ROSELLINI.]

Rosellini : I told you that I would get my revenge.

Alice : What? [Panting and out of breath] You never said that! When did you say it?

Rosellini : Well, maybe I didn't say it to you, but I'm saying it now. I'm going to kill you. This is one of the cannons that is used to defend the castle. Now, put down your weapons, or I'll fire.

Monty : [To Clint.] That would probably disrupt the ceremony, all things considered.

Austin : [To Harvey] Is this really an appropriate time to be searching for the galley? It could be full of soldiers!

Smock: [Climbing out of the ship. To Clint with worried look] Is she alive? [Glances back at the double doors, listening for the oncoming mob.]

Nicole : [Stirs, and turns to the party] What happened?

Smock: Boddy turned out to be a traitor! He nearly killed Austin and ran off with the magic thingy! And, um, Maria killed Norville... [Goes to open the window.]

Monty : Given the nature of the construction and providers, it would probably be more accurate to designate it as an artificial reef in the making. Ahem. But if you're all determined to race back into a situation which is by past experience either utterly disastrous or completely under control, then we'd best find a route to the aforementioned kitchen before the pursuit has time to catch up again.

Austin : [Goes over to Nicole, coughing up some more blood, to see if she is alright] Nicole? Are you okay?

Smock: [Anxiously] We gotta go. If those soliders catch up with us, no one's going to be okay! [To Nicole] Can you walk? [To Clint] Can you help out?

Clint: [Offers Nicole a hand. To Nicole] What happened here?! Did you see Boddy, or what?

Clint: [Bellows] Over my dead body! Where's the church?!

Nicole : [To Smock] Don't worry about Norville, he can look after himself. [Takes Clint's hand as she gets up] I'm okay, Aus, but Boddy has taken Dominique to the church, [dramatically] to marry her!

Nicole : Upstairs.

Clint: [Whips out his sword and looks around frantically] Where are the stairs?!

Austin : [Looks alarmed] Trindle murdered Lucy on the eve of our wedding, there must be something connecting marriage and the path, [Ponders] all of those brides and grooms in that other dimension where we rescued Clint, , all that heart buisness. [Frowns] What does it all mean? Some critical part of the path I guess! I think we must stop them from getting married, or something terrible will happen!

Smock: [Despairingly] But upstairs is covered with soldiers!

Alice : Don't be ridiculous, Smock, it's not covered with soldiers. [Draws her sword] At least a quarter of them are angry from an angry mob of civilians!

Smock: Fine. If you want to get yourselves killed then... then I'm coming too! [Pulls out a dagger and goes to stand between Austin and the door. To Austin] You can't fight okay, because I won't be able to heal you again. [To Monty] Are you coming, Monty? You're the bestest fighter of everyone!

Alice : Come on, we're not going to get killed! It's gonna be great! We're going to be heroes, and then Clint can marry her instead!

Smock: [Agreeing with Alice] Yeah. [Even more convinced] Yeah! That's right! Because you guys are heroes! You can smash them to pieces without even breaking a sweat. You just didn't before because we had to save Nicole and daringly ride a ship through the sea of enemies!

Alice : Uh, yeah, sure!

Clint: [To Alice, dazed] Uh, wait--get married?! We haven't even gotten to the sin-soaked stage of our relationship where I eventually accidentally knock her up!

Austin : [As Smock take a position defending him, reddies his sling shot. To Smock] You don't mind it I shoot a few do you?

Alice : [Squeezes Clint's arm reassuringly] Aw! I didn't know you were such a romantic!

Smock: [Smiles at Austin, her confidence evidently restored] Sure! Long as you don't get too close. [Grins at Clint] You're gonna be a daddy? Really? This is gonna be great!

Clint: [Uneasily] Yeah, great. [With more resolve] We gotta stop this wedding! Let's go!

Alice : [With a big smile] That's right, Auntie Smock!

[The party turn and face the door, adopting a dramatic pose as they ready their weapons. Enter JOHN TOULOUSE, who takes a quick picture.]

John Toulouse

John : Woo! Front page tomorrow!

[JOHN ducks out of view as the rampaging mob come charging towards the doorway, disappointingly unintimidated by the party's cool pose.]

href=http://www.queens-view.com/Cast/johntoulouse.html>John

Smock: [Pulls a leaf out of her pocket and says something in a strange tongue.]

[A jet of flame comes up from SMOCK's hand, and holds its position there, about fourteen inches long. It clearly isn't doing her any harm.]

Alice : Well done, Short Round. [Dramatically to the others] Now, let's show them what happens when they mess with the Queens View party. We're going to introduce them to a whole world of pain. They have no idea what they're messing with. Oh, hang on a sec. [Adjusts her underpants] Sorry, but that was going to get really annoying in the battle. [Loudly] Chaaarge!

Austin : [Standing behind Smock, sling aimed, ready to fire. To Smock] Impressive moves there, cadet Smock!

Smock: [Enthusiastically, trying to look somewhat heroic] Yeah! [Glances back to check on Austin before running into the fray.]

Harvey : By the saints, now that's what I call enthusiasm for battle! [Looks admiringly at Alice, before stumbling forward] Gah, still have my sea legs, what!

Harvey : Come on troop, let's get them! [Attacks] ### We won't do individual attacks for this fight, rather everyone ### rolls together, as I think that'll be more exciting. All I'm going to ### do is roll a d20 for the party, and one for the mob. The party ### get a +1 due to being better organised while the mob get a +2 ### if they're on the stairs when fighting. ### If the party hit, they advance 2-4 mob members. ### If the mob hit, then 1-3 randomly chosen party members ### will be hit for 1-10 damage. It is possible for a character ### to be hit more than once in one round, unless they are ### out of range, as Austin is at the moment. ### Unlike normal fights, I won't wait for two other people to ### post before doing the next round ### No critical hits or hit tables either, just damage.

Updated map

[The party engage the mob, who are armed with everything from swords to bits of furniture. One of the mob smashes CLINT on the head with a leg taken from a priceless antique table.]

### Party roll 9+1 ### Mob roll 13, hit 1 PC. ### Clint lose 9hp

Alice : [Frustrated] Gah! Come on! ### Party roll 20! ### Mob roll 15. ### Party advance 3

Alice : [Stabbing a mob member] I hate mobs! That I'm not part of!

[The party force their way forward, and are almost at the bottom of the stairs.]

Mob member 1 : For Maria! [Gets stabbed by Harvey]

Updated map

Clint: [Scowls at Smock] There's no baby, kid! [Keeps on whacking away at the mob and looking for any signs of Boddy or Dominique]

Smock: For Clint's baby! On 25/10/05, Heather wrote: ### Party roll 6+1 =7. ### Mob roll 2! ### Party advance 1.

Nicole : Hurry! If he marries her while he has that orb, she'll love him for ever!

[Spurred on by this, the party advance further, so they're now at the bottom of the stairs. Several mob members are trampled underfoot, by both the party and the mob, but others are now coming in around the back.]

Updated map

Clint: [To Smock] Aw, thanks, kid! [Tries to push through the mob up the stairs, still hacking away]

Smock: [Attempting to remain between Austin and the mob. To Clint] Not yet! But it's yours or Boddy's and I don't want another Boddy! ### Party roll 4 ### Mob roll 6+1. Hit 1. Clint : 6.

Alice : We could go on the Jenny Jessy Raphael show and have you do a paternity test!

[Speakers along the wall crackle to life, and the party hear a voice, presumeably that of a priest, speaking.]

Priest : Dearly beloved, we are gathered here in the eyes of Phili to join this man, and this woman in holy matrimony.

[The mob hold their ground, with CLINT being wounded.]

### Party roll 11. ### Mob roll 1+1. Advance 2.

Alice : Oh no! We're going to be late for the church! [Turns to Dominique] Does it count if we turn up in time for the reception?

Dominique : [Dramatically] I'm afraid not!

[The party slowly force their way up the stairs, with several mob members falling over the edge.]

Updated Map

Austin : [To Alice] With any luck that photographer will slow the ceremonry down with lots of posing for shots etc!

Clint: [Fighting wildly to get to the top of the stairs. To Nicole] How do you know all of this crap?! ### Party roll 11 ### Mob roll 11+1. Hit 3. ### Harvey lose 8hp ### Nicole lose 6hp ### Monty lose 9hp

Alice : [To Austin] Cool! If ever we deserved to be on the front page, it's after this!

Nicole : [To Clint] I used a similar strategy when I married Norville.

[As the PRIEST continues over the intercom, the mob stand their ground, with each of HARVEY, NICOLE and MONTY getting wounded.]

Clint: [To the party] Boost me up! I'll walk over the top of this damn mob if I have to! Hurry!!

Smock: [To Nicole] Then why aren't you sad that he died? On 25/10/05, Heather wrote: ### Party roll 19 ### Mob roll 10. Advance 2.

Nicole : Ah, he's done that loads of times. Believe me, honey, when you're older you'll see what lengths men will go to when they want to avoid commitment.

[The party fight their way onto the landing, but the mob keep coming. More voices can be heard over the intercom.]

Priest : And lo, the lord did say that on this, the most joyous of occasions, we must read from the very long and boring book.

Boddy : [Snarling] Look, Padre, skip the intro, just cut to the chase, we're in rush!

Updated Map

Clint: [Bellows] Dominique! Stop the ceremony! [Keeps fighting and working toward the church]

Smock: [To Nicole] So he won't stay dead then? Oh. That's good. But it does seem like Clint's fighting [emphasis] for committment. Is that good? ### Party roll 7+1=8 ### Mob roll 9. Hit 3. ### Harvey lose 7 ### Alice lose 4 ### Smock lose 8

Alice : Oh man! Look at how many there are!

[The mob fight back viciously, with each of HARVEY, ALICE and SMOCK being wounded. The PRIEST continues.]

Priest : Do you, Nigel Tiberius Boddy, take this woman to be your lawful wedded wife?

Clint: [Shrieks] Boddy you fucker!!! ### Party roll 13+1=14 ### Mob roll 7. Advance 3.

Nicole : [To Smock] Well, I sure hope he doesn't stay dead, it'll be a real waste of that orb if he does! Yes, it does [emphasis] seem like Clint's fighting for commitment. And yes, that would be good.

Boddy : [Over the intercom] I do.

[The party force their way further along the landing.]

Nicole : We're nearly there! The church is on the next level!

Updated Map

Smock: [To Nicole] So that's what that was for! [Frowning at the endless mob] This is gonna take forever! [Swings at an angry zealot.] I wish that boat would've sailed uphill. ### Party roll 4+1=5. ### Mob rolls 11. Hit 3. ### Clint lose 5 ### Alice lose 9 ### Smock lose 6

Alice : Couldn't work, Smock, not enough wind!

[The mob hold the party, and inflict wounds on CLINT, ALICE and SMOCK.]

Boddy : [On the intercom] I do. ### Party roll 5 ### Mob roll 15. Hit 2. ### Clint lose 1 ### Monty lose 10

Priest : And do you, Dominique Michelle Sydney Nicole Danielle Dominique, take this man to be your lawful wedded wife?

[The mob hold firm, inflicting wounds on CLINT and MONTY.]

Dominique : [Speaking over the intercom] Uh, wife?

Clint: [Redoubles his efforts to hack through the crowd and calls out to Dominique] Lumpy's coming for you, babe! Hang on!

Clint: [Jubilant] Tell him to go to hell, woman! [Gleefully keeps hacking through the mob to reach Dominique] ### Party roll 13+1=14. ### Mob roll 6. Advance 2.

Boddy : [Over the intercom] Look, you idiot, I told you, we're in a rush!

Priest : Sorry! Sorry! Now you've made me lose my place, and I'm going to have to start all over again.

[There's a brief scream over the intercom, as the party force their way along, so that they are almost to the end of the landing, and about to ascend the final set of stairs.]

Boddy : You'll live, it's just a finger. Now get to it!

Updated Map

Harvey : [Punching and slashing] Ha, that's it girl! Pick holes in everything the priest says!

Harvey : Oh I say, now that's just not done, what! Cutting the finger off a holy man, the cur! [Attacks with renewed anger]

Austin : [Starts loading two bulletsd into his sling at a time, figuring that he can't miss such a big crowd, firing zealously. Shouting to the priest] Run for your life Priest! He'll kill you if you wed them! ### Party roll 10 ### Mob rolls 11. Hit 3. ### Nicole lose 1 ### Monty lose 3 ### Austin lose 8

Alice : Maybe that's all that was left!

[The mob ferociously defend the bottom of the stairs, wounding NICOLE, MONTY and AUSTIN as they do.]

Priest : [Stammering and stuttering over the intercom] Do, do you, Dominique Michelle Sydney Nicole Danielle Dominique, take this man to be your lawful wedded husband?

Smock : [As Austin goes down unconscious] Austin!

Clint: [To Smock, watching Austin fall] Stay with him, kid. You don't look so hot yourself! [Pushing forward through the mob with increasing desperation]

Harvey : [Sheaths his sword and attacks using his martial arts experience] By the saints, troop, we'll be hard pushed to make it in time!

Nicole : No, Smock! We'll carry him, if we leave him he's dead. ### Party roll 8+1=9 ### Mob now get a +5 bonus as three party members are ### no longer fighting ### Mob roll 3+5=8. Advance 2.

[NICOLE and SMOCK grab AUSTIN, and somehow fend off blows from the mob as the party push around the corner and onto the stairs. There are at least thirty more mob members there.]

Dominique : [Over the intercom] I do.

Alice : Come on! He's about to ask if anyone knows why it should be stopped!

Updated map ### Party roll 6 ### Mob roll 6+5+2=13. Hit 3. ### Nicole loses 7 ###Monty loses 8 ### Clint loses 9

Priest : [Over the intercom] If anyone knows of any just reason why these two should not be united in marriage, [dramatically] speak now or forever hold your peace.

[The mob appear to be getting the upper hand, but a call from behind them makes them stop. Standing up there, pointing a cannon down at the party is ROSELLINI.]

Rosellini : I told you that I would get my revenge.

Alice : What? [Panting and out of breath] You never said that! When did you say it?

Rosellini : Well, maybe I didn't say it to you, but I'm saying it now. I'm going to kill you. This is one of the cannons that is used to defend the castle. Now, put down your weapons, or I'll fire.

Monty : [To Clint.] That would probably disrupt the ceremony, all things considered.

Smock: [Trying frantically to both support Austin's weight and stop him bleeding. To Roselloni, clearly pissed off] What the hell are you doing, retard? We're fighting our way through you imbeciles to prevent a psychopath using Holy Eva's sacred artefact for some evil purpose and all you can think of is to fire a fucking cannon ball down the stairs? We didn't kill Maria. We didn't steal her shit - that was Boddy. Can't you fire up those brain cells for once in your life and at least decide to kill us after we prevent the desecration happening in that church?

[Everyone, mob and party members alike, turn and look at SMOCK agape.]

Rosellini : My, my, do you speak to your mother with that mouth, Sonny? Besides, [stands right behind the cannon] I like guns, they make me feel like a man.

Alice : Then go get one! What the hell are you doing wasting time here trying to kill us for?

Rosellini : What? Hey! [Lights the fuse, much to the consternation of the mob, who all start to run as he calls after them] Call yourself an outraged mob? Get back here!

Smock : [Dives for cover from the cannon fire] Shit! [To Rosellini] Dumb ass! Oops - okay, this is my fault, as I asked Dom to do some Smock posting last night after you had gone, Ellen, and Austin was unconscious. He probably only got my uninvite after he sent this. Let's ignore this post. Sorry about that, folks. On 26/10/05, djob@staffmail.ed.ac.uk wrote:

Smock: That's it! [Spits into her hand and glares angrily at Rosellini, uttering some more words to magic.]

Rosellini : [With a smile] Bring it on!

[A sudden splash of water appears from nowhere, and lands on ROSELLINI and the canon, extinguishing the fuse.]

Rosellini : [Amidst much spluttering] You bastard! [Goes to push the canon down the stairs, but something down the corridor (out of sight of the party) catches his eye and he turns to look] Oh. [Looks terrified]

Smock: [To the party] Let's go get Dominique!

Smock: [Suddenly distraught] No, no, no. He's not dead. He can't be. He's a hero. [To Austin, pleadingly] Wake up, Austin. Wake up. We have to save Dominique!

[There is a huge noise from the area in the corridor that ROSELLINI was looking at, followed immediately by an explosion at the top of the stairs, sending him flying. The party feel the blast, but aren't harmed.]

Nicole : Austin's dead!

Alice : [Checks Austin] Oh, Austin!

[Enter DARIUS, from the direction that ROSELLINI was looking, pausing for a moment to light a cigar from some of the flames at the top of the stairs.]

Darius : Sheesh! Why all the long faces? Who died?

Smock: [Snapping at Darius, evidently holding back tears] Shut up you!

Nicole : Austin's dead.

Darius : Which one's Austin?

Clint: [Snarls at Darius] The prissy little fruit. [Looks at Austin sadly and bellows] You're gonna pay for this, Boddy! [To the party] Let's move!

Smock: We can't just leave him. [Looks at Austin.]

Clint: [Picks up Austin and carries him over his shoulder] I got him, kid. Stick close!

Smock: [Pulls herself together and quickly follows, close behind Clint's. To Clint] Do you think Dominique said 'I do' yet?

Clint: [Glumly] She did. I heard her, back when we were fighting.

Smock: But we can still stop the ceremony, right? [Nodding, encouragingly to Clint] Yeah, of course we can. We just gotta make sure he doesn't say 'I now announce you' blah blah. Quick! [Urges Clint up the stairs.]

Harvey : That's the spirit Cadet! [Marches briskly up the stairs] Dammed shame about Private Sleaze, what! Put up a dam good fight though, didn't think he had it in him! [To the rest] Let's make sure his valiant effort wasn't wasted.

Alice : Too right, Uncle Harv!

[The party race up the stairs, passed a bemused looking DARIUS, only to hear the priests voice on the speaker.]

Priest : And now, by the power invested in me by -

[The party finally reach the church, which has a huge glass wall alongside which the party are running, and a door just up ahead.]

Smock: Stop, Dominique! Stop the wedding! [Sprints for the door.]

Clint: [Keeps running for the door. To the rest of the party] Trying banging on the glass and see if you can stop the priest!

Alice : [Bangs on the glass, Graduate-style, shouting] Dominique!

[BODDY, DOMINIQUE and the PRIEST, FATHER TSET, all turn and look, just as CLINT gets to the door.]

Boddy : [Holding onto Dominique's arm] Better hurry it up, Father!

[DOMINIQUE looks at CLINT, but says nothing.]

Tset : [Finishes off very quickly] Declareyoumanandwife. You may now kiss the bride.

Clint: NO! [Rushes over and attempts to punch Boddy]

Smock : [Dives for cover from the cannon fire] Shit! [To Rosellini] Dumb ass! Oops - okay, this is my fault, as I asked Dom to do some Smock posting last night after you had gone, Ellen, and Austin was unconscious. He probably only got my uninvite after he sent this. Let's ignore this post. Sorry about that, folks. On 26/10/05, djob@staffmail.ed.ac.uk wrote:

Smock: That's it! [Spits into her hand and glares angrily at Rosellini, uttering some more words to magic.]

Rosellini : [With a smile] Bring it on!

[A sudden splash of water appears from nowhere, and lands on ROSELLINI and the canon, extinguishing the fuse.]

Rosellini : [Amidst much spluttering] You bastard! [Goes to push the canon down the stairs, but something down the corridor (out of sight of the party) catches his eye and he turns to look] Oh. [Looks terrified]

Smock: [To the party] Let's go get Dominique!

Smock: [Suddenly distraught] No, no, no. He's not dead. He can't be. He's a hero. [To Austin, pleadingly] Wake up, Austin. Wake up. We have to save Dominique!

[There is a huge noise from the area in the corridor that ROSELLINI was looking at, followed immediately by an explosion at the top of the stairs, sending him flying. The party feel the blast, but aren't harmed.]

Nicole : Austin's dead!

Alice : [Checks Austin] Oh, Austin!

[Enter DARIUS, from the direction that ROSELLINI was looking, pausing for a moment to light a cigar from some of the flames at the top of the stairs.]

Darius : Sheesh! Why all the long faces? Who died?

Smock: [Snapping at Darius, evidently holding back tears] Shut up you!

Nicole : Austin's dead.

Darius : Which one's Austin?

Clint: [Snarls at Darius] The prissy little fruit. [Looks at Austin sadly and bellows] You're gonna pay for this, Boddy! [To the party] Let's move!

Smock: We can't just leave him. [Looks at Austin.]

Clint: [Picks up Austin and carries him over his shoulder] I got him, kid. Stick close!

Smock: [Pulls herself together and quickly follows, close behind Clint's. To Clint] Do you think Dominique said 'I do' yet?

Clint: [Glumly] She did. I heard her, back when we were fighting.

Smock: But we can still stop the ceremony, right? [Nodding, encouragingly to Clint] Yeah, of course we can. We just gotta make sure he doesn't say 'I now announce you' blah blah. Quick! [Urges Clint up the stairs.]

Harvey : That's the spirit Cadet! [Marches briskly up the stairs] Dammed shame about Private Sleaze, what! Put up a dam good fight though, didn't think he had it in him! [To the rest] Let's make sure his valiant effort wasn't wasted.

Alice : Too right, Uncle Harv!

[The party race up the stairs, passed a bemused looking DARIUS, only to hear the priests voice on the speaker.]

Priest : And now, by the power invested in me by -

[The party finally reach the church, which has a huge glass wall alongside which the party are running, and a door just up ahead.]

Smock: Stop, Dominique! Stop the wedding! [Sprints for the door.]

Clint: [Keeps running for the door. To the rest of the party] Trying banging on the glass and see if you can stop the priest!

Alice : [Bangs on the glass, Graduate-style, shouting] Dominique!

[BODDY, DOMINIQUE and the PRIEST, FATHER TSET, all turn and look, just as CLINT gets to the door.]

Boddy : [Holding onto Dominique's arm] Better hurry it up, Father!

[DOMINIQUE looks at CLINT, but says nothing.]

Tset : [Finishes off very quickly] Declareyoumanandwife. You may now kiss the bride.

Clint: NO! [Rushes over and attempts to punch Boddy]

Smock: [Also runs over to the couple, trying to pull Dominique away.] Don't kiss him!

Harvey : [Makes a grab for the orb if it's there] Dam. Too late! [CLINT connects with BODDY, sending him staggering backwards, only for DOMINIQUE to hit him (CLINT) over the head with a convenient vase, and knocking him to the ground.]

Dominique : Get your hands off my husband!

Smock: Hey! [Tries to grab the vase off Dominique.]

Clint: [Stunned] But he hasn't kissed the bride yet! It's not official!

Tset : Actually, it's a funny story, but that's not really part of the ceremony, even though a lot of people think it is. [Gives a little laugh]

Dominique : [Pushes Smock away] What the hell is wrong with you, Smock?

Boddy : [Leaps to his feet, and grabs Dominique, leading her out towards the back of the church] Sorry folks, we've got to go.

Clint: [Rushes after Boddy] Double-crossing bastard! How could you do this?!

Smock: But - but you didn't want to marry him... And we came up here to save you... and Austin died... And you don't even care... [Confused and teary eyed.]

Dominique : [As Boddy pulls her to a window] Of course I wanted to marry him, I'm not sure what you're talking about, Smock!

Boddy : [As he and Dominique get to a window where there is already a piece of rope waiting] Sorry Clint, but I've had nine hundred years of loneliness because I sacrificed Danielle to save your lives. [Steps back as Dominique slides down the rope] Now it's my turn to have some love. [Holds his sword in one hand, and the rope in the other, ready to slip out] You're too late.

Clint: [Grimly watching Dominique go. To Boddy] But she doesn't even really love you! You just jinxed her!

Boddy : You say to-mah-to, I say to-may-to. [Starts climbing onto the ledge]

Alice : But Boddy! You're supposed to be one of the good guys! Don't do this! You're no better than Darius!

Boddy : I'm way worse than Darius. [Gives her a wink and slides down the rope]

Alice : [To Clint] Let's go after him!

Alice : [As Clint slides down] On the what? [Loudly] The orb?

[ALICE joins CLINT on the rope, quickly followed by the rest of the party. Unfortunately, BODDY appears to have had a horse waiting down below, and is already on it as the last of the party, MONTY, gets on.]

Monty : I have the orb, but I fear that whatever power it had has been drained. [Holds it up, showing that it is completely dull now]

Clint: Maybe I can snap her out of it if I can get my hands on that [hesitates and whispers] o-r-b! [Climbs out the window and starts to slide down the rope]

Clint: [Snatches to orb from Monty and throws it into the distance] Damn him! [Suddenly looks very guilty] The lawyer gave his life for this--for nothing. And he wasn't even attracted to women.

Harvey : [To Clint] Private Scar! There'll be no speaking ill of those who fell in battle! [Stomach rumbles] This old soldier is famished after all that fighting.

Alice : [Squeezes Clint's shoulder] Sorry, Clint. [Frowns] Hey, has anyone else noticed how sticky the ground is? It's like being in a cinema? [Looks down for a moment] Uh, I think we're standing on Maria.

[BODDY and DOMINIQUE ride off towards the gates together.]

Dominique : You know what I'm going to do when we get to your house? [Whispers something in his ear]

Boddy : [Big smile, getting bigger as she talks] Great idea, baby, but first, I've got a job to do. [Slows down as he approaches the gate, where Templeton is standing]

Templeton : Hey! Where are you going?

Boddy : [Leans over and grabs some clocks and phones from Templetons pile of freebies] Just takin' what's mine. [Gives Dominique a kiss, and they ride off into the sunset]