THE QUEENS VIEW AFFAIR - 4.9

[Book IV, Act IX, Scene I. A small clearing, surrounded by tall grass. ALICE, AUSTIN, CHASTITY, CLINT, HARVEY and MONTY are here, having appeared in a dramatic burst of smoke and light. Everyone is somewhat disoriented, and lying in a pile, with everyone but CHASTITY managing to get squashed. Enter AVID DATTENBOROUGH, peering through the long grass.]

Avid : [Whispering] And so, and long last, we find them in [dramatic pause] their natural habitat. They appear to have formed some sort of hierarchy within the group. Notice how the youngest is at the bottom.

Austin : [Gets up quickly and fixes his suit before turning to Avid] Are we on camera?

Avid : [Still in a low voice] One of them seems to have spotted us. I don't think I'm in any danger yet, although there may be a chance that he wishes to mate with me. charset="iso-8859-1"

Chastity : [Climbs down of the pile of party members] What powers was Aphi taking about? [Waves to Avid] Hello there. Can you tell us where we are?

Austin : [To Chastity] Judgeing by his accent and clothing I'd say we were back in our own time, not too far from home, relitively speaking. [To Avid] Who on earth would want to mate with you? [Grimaces at the thought. Ponders] There's always Mr Hitchberk of course.

Avid : The leader seems to be addressing me - perhaps she believes I represent some sort of challenge to her leadership. I need to be careful now, as we are quite a distance from Apraxia, the location of the nearest hospital.At least twenty miles.

Alice : [Gives Avid a curious look for a moment, before turning to Chastity] Remember the abilities we got before? When we thought we were going through the Hierophantic Knight initiation?

Harvey : [Climbs out of the crush and turns to Avid] I say fellow, answer the dear sister, and also be so good as to tell us if there's an eatery nearby?

Harvey : No restaurant! Gah! [Looks around Avid] By the saints fellow, who the blue blazes are you talking to? [Helps Alice out of the pile] Move aside there, private Scar!

Clint : [Lazily getting up] But it's just so comfy and soft down there, Harvey, like resting on a big pillow!

Alice : [Pulling herself to her feet] You're a pig, Clint. Thanks, Harv, [dusts herself down] I think I've got stink all over me, though.

Avid : Notice how the older male has become agitated at the lack of food. Let's see what happens next. charset="iso-8859-1"

Chastity : I think we had better find some transport. [To Avid] Have you a carriage nearby? [Walks up to Avid and tries to peer past in search of an answer]

Harvey : Perhaps if we ignore the poltroon he'll go away, troop! Obviously some escaped madman from a local insane institution.

Avid : [Watching Chastity intently] The leader is taking control, ignoring the panic of the older male. She appears to believe that we have some sort of transport, which, of course, we don't. Perhaps the younger female will start a fire, so she can cook some wildlife killed by the males?

Harvey : [Sighs] Perhaps, sir, if you could point us in the direction of Apraxia, we can be on our way and you can go back to doing whatever it is you do. charset="iso-8859-1"

Chastity : [Nodding] I agree, Colonel. We had better get going. Some of us may be used to old men staring and whispering about us [glance at Alice] but I find it a little unnerving, [loudly, directed at Avid] and rude!

Avid : [Enthusiastically] It appears as though they are not going to eat me, and instead head [points in a direction] that way to Apraxia. Interestingly, they don't seem to be aware that we are making a programme about them, which is good news for us, because we should be able to catch them in their natural states. With a bit of luck, any moment now, Alice will do something foolish, or, more likely, Clint will do something disgusting.

Clint : [With his hand down his pants, scratching himself] Looks like he knows us alright! of us may be used to old men staring and whispering

Harvey : [To Clint] But how? [Turns to Avid] You there, how did you know that we would appear here in this clearing?

Alice : Too right, Chastity! I mean, he's not even hiding!

Avid : I'm not entirely sure what's happening here, but either there is some sort of sexual tension between Chastity and Alice, or between Chastity and me.

Avid : Yes. Curiosity. This is something that I had expected to find in a party such as this. Clearly, they are unaware that we have been hired by the Watchers Council of the Hierophantic Knights to document their triumphant entry into Apraxia.

Harvey : [Quietly to the others] I say troop, I've been out of things for quite a while, but does anyone know why there would be a triumphant entry into Apraxia? charset="iso-8859-1"

Chastity : [To Monty] You know full well, Mr. Giles, that Phili has blessed me with the ability to heal a certain number of times a day. Not fly around or conjure up food from nothing. The later requires a good stoe cupboard and a good home economics teacher at the very least!

Alice : [Clearly unhappy about Avid, but turns to Monty] What? Another theory that you can't tell us about? You know, I've got my own theory on those theories.

Avid : Now, what's going on here is that Harvey, the elderly male of the party, is probably not aware of the peace accord that was signed in the last few days.

Harvey : [To Monty] Well private, as long as that triumphant entry includes a buffet and more honeyed golden locusts than you can shake a hungry fist at, I'll be happy, sir!

Avid : Again, Harvey indicates how important feeding is to him.

Alice : [Glances at Avid with a tut of annoyance, before turning to the others] What are we going to do about this idiot? He's very, very annoying. Clint, maybe you should punch him.

Avid : Ah, the legendary temper of Alice. Interesting how she looks even more beautiful when incensed, it is no wonder that she is considered by many to be what is essentially, and without question, in the context of the party, the most attractive. I'm sure that viewers across the Realms will be thrilled to see her.

Alice : [Makes to say something] Viewers across the Realms? Most attractive? [Flattens down her hair and smoothens down her skirt] You know what, he's not really doing any harm, is he? [Looks in the direction that Avid has been addressing and flashes her warmest smile, undoing her top button as she does] charset="iso-8859-1"

Chastity : [Sighs. To Alice] Now you really are pandering to the old men hunched over in the undergrowth! Lets go. I'm sure we'll find out why we are returning on triumph when we get to Apraxia. [Looks pointedly at Avid] Unless we can get any clues from the running commentary?

Avid : The [emphasis] heroic Chastity is clearly determined to lead her people to Apraxia, even though they have no idea what lies in wait, nor even where the nearest house is, that they might obtain some transport.

Clint: [Snorts] Are you kidding me? They eat that stuff up! [abruptly drops his pants and gives a wink at the camera]

Avid : I'm not sure, but either Clint is going to copulate with somebody or something, or he is about to relieve himself.

Alice : [To Monty] You do realise, of course, that no one has a clue what you're talking about?

Clint: [Makes an "oops" face and reaches down to pull up his pants] How'd that happen?! [slowly pulls his pants back on, eyes on the "camera"] Wow, those just fell right off. Sure wouldn't take much for it to happen again. [saucily offers the "camera" a good view of his (clothed!) backside, giving another wink] [To Monty, in a low voice] Ya gotta give the people what they want, ya know!

Alice : Then why are you showing them a filthy, moth eaten, stinky excuse for an underpants?

Clint: [Looks at Alice and Monty in pity] Jealousy doesn't look too great on you two, I gotta say. [Walks over to Avid] All right, show's over, bub. What the hell's going on here?

Avid : What Clint doesn't know is that the party is under a far greater risk from the Shavenologists than from us. Let's see how long he pursues this course of investigation. charset="iso-8859-1"

Chastity : [Briefly looking worried] The shavenologists? Who are they? What would they want with us?

Austin : [Surveying the area] Thay sound like a bunch of people who have turned shaving into a science. Can anyone see where the nearest house might be? [Ponders] We may just have to stab this guy [Points at Avid] in the belly until he tells us.

Clint: [To Austin, puzzled] But what would they want with us? There are only [points at Harvey and then himself] two men in this group! Oh, and of course, Alice's upper lip would give them lots to work with, too. [scratches his beard stubble thoughtfully]

Clint: [Shrugs] Start walking and see what happens! [Sits down next to Avid] Now, who the hell are the Shavenologists?

Austin : [To Clint] If you think I'm a woman, you're either gay or you need your eyes tested.

Avid : The party are clearly trying figure out if they need to be concerned about the Shavenologists, but there doesn't seem to be any source of information.

Alice : There is an indication. [Points in the direction that Avid did when talking about Apraxia] This guy seemed to think it was in that direction.

Austin : [To Alice] Well, let's just start walking in that direction. I could use the fresh air [Starts walking towards Apraxia]

Avid : It seems as though some dissention has broken out in the ranks. It may only be solved through a fight to the death.

Clint: [Stands up and stretches lazily] Sure, why not? This guy doesn't seem to want to chat, anyway. [Joins Austin walking towards Apraxia]

Avid : And so, the party begin their migration towards Apraxia.

[Enter MARCY BARCY, an exhausted and annoyed looking small woman, with an enormous backpack.]

Marcy : [Sees the party, and holds up her hand to acknowledge them, but is too sweaty and out of breath to say anything] Pant!

Clint: [To Marcy] Need a hand with that backpack, toots?

Marcy : [Dropping the backpack on the ground] Yes! [Wipes her sweaty brow]

Avid : And in a surprising twist, one of the party has approached one of the crew, in what seems to be a gesture of friendship.

Marcy : [To Avid] Will you shut the hell up?

Avid : He has his work cut out for him though, as she seems rather tense - possibly pre-menstrual.

Marcy : [Glares at Avid for a moment, before turning to Clint] Has he been very, very annoying?

Clint: [Nods emphatically] Yeah, [huge enphasis] really annoying! [Smirks] So, Aunt Flo's comin' for a visit, eh? Ewwww!

Austin : [To Clint] I do believe that Avid is anoying enough without you joining in. [To Marcy] Pleased to meet you. I am Austin Sleaze and these are my fellow travellers, Chastity, Harvey, Alice, Monty and the not so delightful Mr. Scar. Do you know where we can get transport to Apraxia?

[In one surprisingly fluid movement, each of ALICE, CHASTITY and MARCY take a turn in slapping CLINT across the face.]

Alice : You're a pig, Clint.

Clint : Wow! She must have spread it to the others!

Marcy : Pleased to meet you, Austin, but I know who you all are. I'm Marcy Barcy, and this idiot is Avid. Did he tell you anything?

Avid : Aha! It looks like they may have noticed that we are observing them! charset="iso-8859-1"

Chastity : [To Clint] That may teach you to make comment on a lady when she's expecting the painters in! [To Marcy] Hello. Yes his commentry let slip that we are expected in Apraxia, and that we may have to look out for the shavenologists, who ever they are. Do you know?

Austin : [To Marcy] No, he is an idiot and seems to be under the impression that we are some form of wildlife of zoological interest, incapable of speech.

Avid : Our crew member seems to have won the trust of Austin. Observe how a shared dislike on a third party seems to help them bond.

Marcy : He knows you're capable of speech, he just likes to remain objective when filming a documentary. Just be glad he doesn't have his studio audience with him, or that damned soundtrack band, they really piss me off. In fact, if I see them again, I'm going to kill them.

[Off to one side of the clearing, obscured behind some of the grass comes the sound of a cheesy band playing some dramatic music.]

Alice : What the hell was that?

[ALICE pushes the grass aside, just in time to see a bunch of men in velvet suits running off with their instruments.]

Marcy : The Shavenologists? Dangerous religious cult.

Alice : [Turns angrily to Marcy] Hey! Shut the hell up! How dare you speak about Chastity like that? She's with us, and we like her. I don't care how crazy your hormones are, we won't tolerate language like that about her! charset="iso-8859-1"

Chastity : Ahem, thank you for jumping to my defence, Alice. [Peer past Alice] Hmmm, a band on the run. [Shrugs. To Marcy] Why would these fanatics be after us?

Marcy : Not just you, anyone! Since peace was declared, things have been pretty strange in the Realms.

Austin : [To Marcy] How so? What has changed that's strange?

Harvey : By the saints, is there never any rest for the wicked!

Avid : [Quietly] Marcy will now explain to them that, rather ironically, since the North and South no longer look upon each other as enemies, who could conveniently be blamed for everything from bad weather to the appearance of demons, their people are now turning on each other, especially since the return of Dangsten, which has lead to the setting up of hundreds of lunatic religions, each more crazy than the last.

Marcy : [Gives Avid a dirty look, before turning to the party] What he said.

Alice : [To Chastity] Hundreds of lunatic religions? Makes a chance from having just one, doesn't it?

Harvey : [Scratches a sideburn] Good grief, so everyone is now at each others throats, eh! Tell me this my dear, who are the most prominent religions at the moment?

Marcy : Well, let's see, there are -

Avid : [Speaking quietly] Now Marcy will tell them about the Shavenologists, the Adamites, the Evistas, the Left Armists, the Shoe Trekkians and all the others.

Marcy : There's a lot. Even the church of Phili has split into a number of different factions.

Marcy : Not that I know of.

Avid : It seems that Monty wishes to set up his own branch of the Church of Phili, I wonder how Chastity will react to that. charset="iso-8859-1"

Chastity : [Looks around the group in amazement] Did you not hear the annoying man say Dangsten has arrived? [Quite emotionally, thumping a fist into hand] It's just his twisted style to take something as beautiful and peaceful as the religion of Phili and split open society with it broken fragments. Some things change, but it would seem we still have a familiar enemy. [Shakes her head sadly] Imagine using religion to ostracise people. Its monstrous!

Alice : Yes, yes, outrageous, Sister.

Harvey : Gah! I bet that bounder Dangsten returned the same time I did.

Marcy : I think you're most likely to be set upon by [with a loud male voice] Shavenologists. [Looks puzzled] QuotLast from ND #55

Austin : [Gets his dagger out quickly, looking around nervously] And what do you think they might do to us?

Marcy : [Nods at Monty] Yes, about now. [To Austin] Well, they normally shave people.

Alice : [Gives a smile a thumbs up to Chastity] Score one for the Sister! [Face drops] Hey! They're not going to shave our heads, are they? [Enter the SHAVENOLOGISTS, about thirty people, each wearing uniforms and helmets, and with their weapons drawn. There are also two men here, not in uniforms, they are TOBY MONSOON and MARSELLUS RHAMES.]

Toby : [Calmly] That's not where we normally start, no. charset="iso-8859-1"

Chastity : [To Toby] No, you should start by dropping those weapons, closely followed by your twisted religious misconceptions. What ever they are.

Toby : We're here to rid the world of the Hairinites. [Points angrily at Chastity] How dare you criticise us! Your hirsuteness offends me. Frankly, it is like talking to an orang-utang.

Marsellus : [Puffs himself up to his full, 6' 8" height so he is towering over the party] We are a loose association of the folically redeeemed, who's mission it is to rid the world of the curse of hair. charset="iso-8859-1"

Chastity : [With a snort of derision. To Toby] What typical preposterous religious zealot baboonery. I've never heard such nonsense. [Quietly aside to Harvey] They've not met Alice before, have they? [Two of the SHAVENOLOGISTS step forward and grab MONTY, with a third punching him hard in the stomach, winding him, and dropping him to his knees.]

Toby : I think we need to bring you back to the torture chambers.

Avid : Fascinating, it seems that we may get a peek into the inner workings of the Shavenologists!

Harvey : [Draws his sword upon seeing Monty get punched] I'm not sure, Sister, why do you ask? [All the SHAVENOLOGISTS immediately draw their swords and cock them loudly.] charset="iso-8859-1"

Chastity : [Readying her mace and glaring at the Shavenologists] Nothing, Colonel, it'll wait. [To Toby] The only torture chamber you'll be visiting will be run by Seth, false one!

Toby : [Points angrily at Chastity] No, you're the ones going to be tortured. charset="iso-8859-1"

Chastity : [Hesitantly looking round the numbers of Shavenologists] Why do you find hair so offensive anyway?

Toby : Hey! We're the ones who ask the questions here, you hairy bint! Tell her, Marsellus.

Marsellus : We're the ones who ask the questions here. [Surveys the party] Put down your weapons, or we will be forced to kill you.

Clint: [To Marsellus] You expect us to believe you're not gonna kill us either way?!

Harvey : By the saints sir, a mans hair is his castle, and by thunder, no one will take it without permission!

Austin : [Carefully moving to the center of the party. To Marsellus] You're just a bunch of blad guys who didn't have any hair anyway! You just want to shave other people to make yourselves feel better. [Cocks his dagger and takes the saftey catch off] charset="iso-8859-15"

Chastity : [Still brandishing her mace. Whispering to the group] There are thirty of them! I doubt we can fight them all, hair or no hair.

Clint: [Snorts in disbelief] Well, not with THAT attitude! [Joins Austin at the center of the party, sword out] [To Marsellus] We're keeping our hair and our weapons, baldy.

Austin : [To Clint] I bet they are a bunch of shape shifters who can't be bothered growing hair!

Alice : [Also drawing her weapon] Careful, guys, they look a lot more aerodynamic than us! [Almost jabs Toby with her sword] I've had enough bad experiences with hair cuts in the last few days - if you want to cut my hair, you're going to have to kill me first!

Toby : [Jumping back] Ow! [Points menacingly at Alice] We don't want to cut your hair, we want to torture you.

Alice : Well that's a bit more like it!

Clint: [To Toby] Why the hell do you want to torture us? For information? Do we [emphasis] look like we know anything about anything?!

Austin : [To the Shavenites]Surely you're not all stupid enough to this that hair is a curse! How can you believe such nonsense! Phili himself has a full head of hair and a beard.

Toby : [Aggressively to Clint] Do I look like I care whether or not you know anything?

Harvey : Well sir, it's very hard to tell one expression from another when the expressionee is without eyebrows!

Austin : [To Toby] So you think you're cleanly shaven do you? I'll show you clean shaven [Takes the glove from his hand and shows Toby his skeletal finger] That's what I call a close shave.

[All the SHAVENOLOGISTS make expressions of disgust upon seeing AUSTIN's finger.]

Toby : [To Harvey] But you do have eyebrows! Huge, disgusting, uncontrollable ones!

Marsellus : [To the party] Drop your weapons. Drop them or you will be disarmed.

Austin : [To Marsellus] Do you really believe that hair is a curse? How absurd! Most of us are born with hair, Phili himself has a fine head of hair and a beard! What if hair is a blessing abd you have been misled, and have tortured thousands, needlessly?

Harvey : Very true private Sleaze, very true indeed! Furthermore I might imagine that the leader of the Shavenologists has a major share holding in a scissors factory, eh!

Clint: [To Austin, in a low voice] Hell, I bet they just went bald, got bitter, formed a little support group, and called it a religion, just to save face!

Alice : [Shrugs] Hard to say, Aus, but Marsellus definitely looks waxed. There's none of that red soreness on his head that I get when I do my up- [realises what she's saying] I mean, I don't know! I don't anything about these things! [TOBY and MARSELLUS stop talking.]

Marsellus : We will bring you to our secret headquarters, and we can talk there.

Clint: [To Marsellus] Lead the way! charset="iso-8859-1"

Chastity : [Looking at Marsellus suspiciously] That had better not be talk as in screaming under torture.

Austin : [To Clint] If he doesn't it's going to be really hard to get there, Mr Scar.

Clint: [To Austin] Getting kinda bitchy, lawyer! That time of the month?!

Alice : [With a baleful look at Austin] It's always that time of the month for him, Clint.

Toby : [Points angrily at Chastity] We'll torture you if the leader says so!

[Exit ALL, but AVID and MARCY.]

Avid : And now, peace reigns once again in this leafy glade, as the brave party head off into the unknown with a pack of no doubt dangerous pyschopaths.

[Enter MARSELLUS.]

Marsellus : Hey! You're coming too!

[Exit ALL.]

Austin : [To Clint] No Stinky, I'm always bitchy, and if I were a menstruating female you'd have recieved another volley of slaps and probably a kick to the gonads. I'd have to change my shoes for something of lower quality first of course. [Smiles at his beautiful shoes briefly, as they shine in ths sunlight]

[Book IV, Act IX, Scene II. A basement. ALICE, AUSTIN, CHASTITY, CLINT, HARVEY, MONTY, MARSELLUS and TOBY are here. This is the basement of what appears to be an ordinary house. The rest of the SHAVENOLOGISTS, as well as AVID and MARCY are waiting outside. It looks like a typical basement, with a washing machine, tins of paint etc. but with a number of beanbags here too.]

Toby : Okay, what the hell is so important that means we can't shave all of you? charset="iso-8859-1"

Chastity : We are on a divine mission from Phili himself, battling all sorts of evil. One of the prime sources of evil, a certain Dangsten, is apparently stirring things up. He needs to be stopped!

Marsellus : [Darkly] Indeed, Dangsten walks again, and judgement day is at hand.

[A brief silence descends.]

Alice : So.... that means you've gotta cut everyone's hair?

Marsellus : What else could it mean? charset="iso-8859-1"

Chastity : Perhaps it is a sign for all the peoples to join together and fight Dangsten in the name of Phili?

Clint: [To Marsellus] Oh, I dunno. How about that you need to stand up and fight?! What, are you hoping to blind the bad guys with the glare of your shiny head?

Toby : [Pointing at Chastity] That's exactly what it means! We need to gather together under on glorious leader, our heads shining like a thousand suns, and spread light across the realms! [Takes out a scissors] Now that we've got that sorted out, who's first?

Austin : [To Toby, fixing him with a steely glare] That's absurd. Why would Dangsten be detered by bald heads, sun or no sun. He'll kill all of you and us and laugh whilst he does it. charset="iso-8859-15"

Chastity : Wouldn't using wearing polished helms have the same aesthetic as well as being a dashed sight for useful in the ensuing combat?

Clint: [To Toby] All right. Let's just say, for the hell of it, that it makes some kind of strategic sense to have a totally bald army. Other than [rolls his eyes] shaving your heads, what else are you people doing to prepare for battle?

Toby : [Angrily to Chastity] Hey! It's a well known fact that the last group to attack Dangsten with their shiny helmets were massacred. [Austin's efforts don't seem to effect Toby]

Marsellus : [Folds his arms with satisfaction as he addresses Clint] Sheer force of numbers. Now, do we kill you? Or shave you? [A rattle comes from above, possibly of chains.] charset="iso-8859-1"

Chastity : [To Toby] That'll teach they to run into battle skyclad! Perhaps swords would have been more effective next time! [Looks up towards the noise] What was that!

Toby : Don't try to distract me, you bitch. It might take a hundred razors, but I'll have you shaved and screaming before the night's out.

Marsellus : [Menacingly] Yeah.

[Enter JUNE MONSOON, a pleasant looking, middle aged lady with a nice head of hair. She is carrying a tray of glasses a jug of what appears to be lemonade.]

June : Coooeee! Toby! I thought you and your friends might like some lemonade.

Toby : [Slaps his forehead in frustration] Mom!

Marsellus : [With a big smile] Hi Mrs M! Can I give you a hand with that?

Austin : [Smirking at Toby. Turns to June, smirk free] Hello Mrs M! Allow me to introduce myself. I am Austin Sleaze, and these are my companions Monty, Chastity, Alice, Clint and the colonel, Harvey. Toby was just threatening to kill us if we don't shave. I see that he has neither killed nor threatend you, apparently. How did you gain your immunity?

June : Oh, indeed, Chastity. [Shakes her head at Austin] Toby and his silly games. Honestly! Remember that time when you wore your sisters dresses for a month and insisted we all call you Louise? Whatever will he think of next.

Toby : Mom! charset="iso-8859-15"

Chastity : [To Austin] Because she's his mother? You obviously have no idea of family dinamics, Mr. Sleaze. [Goes to help June with the lemonade. To June] Young boys can be such a handleful sometimes, don't you think!

Clint: [Grabs a glass of lemonade and gulps it down noisily] Thanks, Mom! [Slams the empty glass down with a satisfying thud] Say, I don't like to be a tattle-tale, but young Toby's been playing with knives. Might need to be grounded or something. Not to tell you your business or anything. [Smirks at Toby]

June : Oh, that Toby. Why, we had to keep a cork on his fork until he sixteen.

Toby : Mom! I'm trying to torture people here!

Austin : [To Toby] That's horrible, why would a nice boy like you want to do that to people?

Alice : [Lowly] Sh! Of course Austin has a licence! [To Austin] You do have a licence, don't you?

Toby : Look, Mom, go away.

June : [Tuts and addresses the party] Now, is that any way for a boy to talk to his mother?

June : See? Even your friends think you're rude.

Toby : They're not my friends, they're my victims! I am part of a major religion here, you know?

June : Ah yes, your [finger quotes] religion.

Austin : [To June] Have you considered sending him to a psychiatrist, perhaps one specialising in juvenile behaviour?

June : Oh, we tried that dear. Poor old Louise went through five different ones before she finally disappeared.

Alice : Five! That's almost as many as - [pauses] What finally made her disappear?

June : I think it was probably that big truck driver who wanted to buy her off us as a child bride.

Toby : Mom! [Folds his arms] It's not like he wasn't offering a generous amount, which is more than would be offered for you, you old bat.

Austin : [To Toby] That is a disgraceful way to talk to your mother! What will your father say when he hears of this?

[TOBY says nothing, but clenches his fists and turns away.]

June : Ah, I'm afraid we buried his father six months ago.

Alice : Was he dead?

[JUNE says nothing, but does a "maybe" gesture by waving her hand.]

Austin : [To Toby, in a lawyer type way] We all understand, Toby, this must be a difficult time for you, having lost your father, suddenly you are the man of the family and have alot of pressure to be a leader, trying to prove yourself [Pauses] But part of growing up is being able to see that things like hair styles or lack of one are important, but must be incorporated into a complete style, not some gruby tracksuit or 'hoody' [Gestures towards Toby's hoody] Who can take you seriously as a major religion if you dress in clothes most people consider are only for proleteriat labourers?

Toby : I'm a man of the people, [defiantly] and, I've got my egg!

Toby : I don't eat coal, I just chew it! [To June] You just shut up, old woman. I'm the leader of a major religion, I've got armies of men dedicated to the cause, I've got a collection of medieval torture instruments - including a substantial collection of posters from famous executions of the time.

Alice : I bet you don't have a girlfriend, though, do you?

Toby : Well, I've got an egg!

Austin : [Remembering the eggs that the Brides and Grooms alledgedly had. To Toby] What kind of an egg? Where did you get it?

Alice : [Gives a shiver] No. Their ones were much bigger and softer, and entirely more disgusting. Oh, and they didn't have little jackets on.

Toby : [Genuinely to Monty] I'm hoping to combine them - you know, maybe make special hats for my followers?

[AUSTIN holds up the egg, which seems to be made of a shiny material that looks quite unnatural.]

Austin : [To Toby, smiling] The elves would truly adore you! [Muses] They just adore crochet flipflops etc [Examines the egg carfully] Not exactly the height of fashion, but never mind. Where did you find this egg, why is it special?

Austin : [To Toby] Oooh, and you shave yourselvs because eggs are hairless right?

Toby : Of course! Now do you understand? Mum, get the shaver.

June : Rightio! [Heads back upstairs]

Austin : [To Toby] Just because eggs are bald doesn't mean that we should be. Phili himself had a full head of hair and a fabulous beard the last time we saw him. [Ponders] Actually the last time we saw him he didn't have a beard, but he did have a full head of hair, and the time before that he did have a beard. [Takes his glove off and taps the egg with his skeletal finger] charset="iso-8859-1"

Chastity : Perhaps it meant you are to spend your time clucking like chickens! [To Austin] I think you'll find that [emphasis] every time we've seen Phili he's had a beard!

Clint: [Looking at the creature uneasily] Nice work, lawyer! charset="iso-8859-1"

Chastity : [Peering down at the dead thing] Hmmmmm, reminds me a bit of a mini Contagion.

Alice : [Stilted] That's right, Aus. Remember, Aphi said that he wasn't Phili?

[AUSTIN taps the egg with his finger, and pierces it, causing it to shatter. A small slimy creature falls out and onto the floor, not moving. It isn't clear what it is, but it looks like it is simply a head with two tiny feet, no arms and two relatively big ears. It is clearly dead.]

Toby : [Gives an ear piercing high pitched scream] Nooooooooo!

Alice : [Pokes it with her shoe] Hm, squishy! charset="iso-8859-1"

Chastity : [To Toby] I suppose you'll be in denial, now that you've been faced with the less than exalted basis of your sects belief. [To the party] That tends to happen to those who bury themselves in their fragile belief mentality. It's a bit sad really.

Alice : Personal experience, Chas?

Clint: [To Toby] Cheer up, kid. Maybe you can find a bowling ball to worship or something. Helluva lot tougher than an egg--just as bald, too! [stifles a snort] charset="iso-8859-1"

Chastity : [Harshly] No! [Looks down at the Alice's shoes] Partly formed Foetal mess down around your feet - a repeat personal experience, Alice?

Alice : [Shocked] No! [Composes herself] Partly formed foetal mess down around someone else's feet - a repeat personal experience, Chastity? All you need now is a knitting needle and a bottle of gin and it'll be just like the old days for you!

Harvey : [Slightly alarmed, addressing the men in the party] I know they're discussing knitting, but should they be really that animated?

Austin : [Putting the eggshell on the ground, puts a fairly strong looking leather glove on his hand and picks up the small head very carefully cradeling it in his heavyly gloved hand. Looks at it carefully] It's been dead for a while [To Toby] Did you keep it at the correct temperature and humidity?

Toby : You're a liar! You just murdered it! You bastards, I'm going to kill you!

[Enter JUNE, carrying a coffee perculator.]

June : Here we go, dear!

Toby : They broke my egg!

Austin : [Examines the dead creature. To June] Aah, coffee, most kind. The creature from the egg seems to be quite dead. Does anyone know what manner of creature it is?

Alice : Maybe you should ask Chastity, Aus. She's the expert in this kind of thing. [Sniffs haughtily]

Toby : [To June] What the hell are you doing with the perculator? I told you to get the shaver.

June : No dear, I don't think so.

Clint: [To Toby] Can you show us where you found the egg? Maybe there's more what that came from. charset="iso-8859-1"

Chastity : I hope it's not a shape-shifter, or [gasps] a demon of some sort. Dangsten is about up to no good, remember. It would just be typical of him to have a crazed a-Phili-ated sect worshipping and demonic egg! charset="iso-8859-1"

Chastity : [Ittitatedly looks round to Alice] Shush girl and dry your ankles.

Alice : Are you sure you don't a special tea towel for doing that? Phili only knows what's printed on that one!

Toby : [Angrily to Clint] I'm not telling you murderers anything! Get the hell out of my house!

Austin : [Looking at Alice's ankles. To Chastity] Don't all young women have wet ankles? [Smirks and puts the dead beastie down on a chair, still on the glove. To Toby] Sorry about that, but I don't think it would live anyway, it has no body. charset="iso-8859-15"

Chastity : You mean like this one? [Brings out a teatowel with the legend "Queens View Convent Clinic - reaches the parts other clinics cannot refresh" and throws in to Alice] Worn your other one out?

Alice : [Catches the teatowel] Oh no, Chastity, I didn't wear it out, I treated it with the respect that everything from the Queens View clinic deserves. [Drops it on the floor and stands on it]

Toby : Get out! Get out! Get ouuuuuut!

June : Tsk! It's just like having Louise back, she was ever such a moody teenager.

Toby : Marsellus, kill them!

Marsellus : Um, well, I'd really rather not.

Austin : [To Marsellus and June] Perhaps if we knew where the egg came from we could get Toby another? Or even better, a live hatchling for Toby [Looks doubtfully at the creatures corpse]

Marsellus : I don't think so. When we found it, it was the only one there.

Toby : [Fixes Austin with a steely glare] I know what' s going on with you lot, you're with the Weavenologists! Sure, [waves at Alice] only she's got a strange haircut. [Jumps onto Austin and knocks him to the ground, giving him a quick punch]

June : Toby! You naughty boy! You're not too old to put across my knee, you know!

Clint: [Attempts to grab Toby and pull him away from Austin] Settle down, pipsqueak. Don't make me kick your ass right here in front of your mommy and all your little friends!

Harvey : [To Toby] You really should pay more attention to your mother young man! She obviously knows a lot better than you! Sorry for the mess, madam, we'll have it all squared away in no time!

Toby : [Shouts] Shavenologists, attack!

[A short time passes, with no sign of the SHAVENOLOGISTS.]

June : Oh, Toby dear, if you're looking for your friends, I think most of them have gone away. charset="iso-8859-1"

Chastity : [To Toby] Perhaps if you could calm down we could talk sensibly. I glass of your mothers refreshing lemonade may help. [Offers Toby a glass] And then maybe you can tell us where you found the egg. It may be important.

Clint : [Grabbing hold of Toby] I don't feel at all safe with you behind me, Lawyer.

Toby : [Still struggling] I'm not going to show you anything! Murdering bastard!

June : [Opens the perculator] Oh look! There's a fish, in the perculator! charset="iso-8859-15"

Chastity : That will be one tetchy fish.

June : What fish?

[As the others lean in, it is clear there isn't any fish in there.]

Marsellus : [Quietly to the party] I think you better leave. charset="iso-8859-1"

Chastity : [Quietly to June] Ah, the diversionary tactic to tantrum avoidance. You've mothering skills are indeed finely tuned.

Austin : [To Marsellus] Why thank you [Makes for the door, carefully ready for any attack]

Austin : [Moves away from Toby, behind Clint] Mr Scar, please hit him thoroughly. [To Toby] Firstly we have no way of knowing wether or not it was already dead. Secondly we dont even know what it was. Thirdly you don't call it murder if it's not human, it's just called killing. Fourthly if you attack me again I shall defend myself [Gets his finest close quarters combat fighting dagger out, and readies himself for another attack]

Austin : [Looks over at the fish] Who put it in there?

[Book IV, Act IX, Scene III. Outside the Monsoon House. ALICE, AUSTIN, CHASTITY, CLINT, HARVEY and MONTY are here, having just arrived. Also here are AVID and MARCY, the latter tied to a stake with (unlit) kindling around her, but there is no sign of any of the other SHAVENOLOGISTS.]

Avid : [Not tied up] And so, the party returns, having, no doubt, defeated the evil, that lays inside.

Marcy : [Sees the party] Oh thank Phili! Can you get me out of here?

Avid : The question now, is will they free our crew member who was tied up by the Shavenologists, as one would expect a party of Hierophantic Knights to do, or will they cook her and eat her? [Enthusiastically] Let's see what happens!

Avid : And so, Monty attempts to free her. Let's see if there are any booby traps hidden int he wood.

Marcy : [As Monty starts to untie her] Thanks. That idiot stood there commentating while they were tying me up. I mean, do any of you have any idea what they were going to do to me? [A little hysterical] Do you have any idea?

Alice : Er, going to burn you at the stake?

Marcy : No! They were going to shave my head!

Alice : [Horrified] Oh no! [Punches Avid in the face and knocks him down] You bastard!

Austin : [Raises an eyebrow, smirking. To Marcy] They might get some more members if they offered to shave elsewhere. charset="iso-8859-15"

Chastity : Mr. Sleaze, I doubt if Marcy would become a member, no matter where they shaved her head.

Austin : [Rolls his eyes at Chastities comment] No sister, of course not sister, the location is irrelivant, as is a sense of humor. [Offers Marcy some soothing 'xs69' skin lotion by Mogue. To Marcy] I find this soothes greatly on skin chaffed by ropes.

Clint: [To Austin, with a nod] Yeah, but don't use it after you've been bound by chains. Stings like hell.

Marcy : [Takes the lotion] Thanks, Austin. What happened? The Shavenologists seemed to suddenly lose the will to trim, and just wandered off. charset="iso-8859-1"

Chastity : Austin broke their object of worship, an egg. Their leader Toby was upset.!

Alice : [Nods at Clint's and Austin's words] That's why soft leather cuffs are so much better. They don't leave any - [notices Harvey's incredulous look] um, marks on the prisoner's hands to help prevent false claims against the constabulary.

Marcy : I see. Well, whatever the egg was, it seemed to have some control over them. They seemed pretty preoccupied with the Weavenologists, whatever they are.

Clint: [With a casual glance at Avid] Wonder if the Weavenologists are some kinda hair cult or something? You know, obsessed with really long hair so they get animal hair sewn into their own to make it look longer, like Alice did? Maybe they worship a wig or something? [look at Avid expectantly]

Alice : [Gives Clint a baleful look] I think you're confusing my hair with all that animal hair under your stinky armpits.

Harvey : Could be, Private Scar. It could be. However, I think it is entirely more likely that they are some sort of carpet worshipping cult.

Austin : [Smirking gleefully] Carpet worsjipers, no that's a clut that need some shaving. [Sniggers at his own joke. Then more seriously] So, what now?

Clint: [Shrugs] On to Apraxia?

Avid : And so, the party continue their perilous and long journey to Apraxia. Being noble and honest, they will walk the enormous distance rather than abscond in a carriage that does not belong to them.

Alice : [To the party] Let's see if we can steal Toby's carriage!

Clint: [Gives Alice an arm-punch of approval] Good thinking, Bimbo! [Promptly starts checking out the carriage]

Alice : [Looks down at her arm for a moment, before rubbing it] Ow.

[The carriage is tucked inside a garage, but is ready to go, and is big enough to carry everyone.]

Harvey : I'm sure they wouldn't mind if we [emphasis] borrowed it for a while, would they? charset="iso-8859-1"

Chastity : A short while ago they would have had us shaved and killed. This will go someway towards healing the anguish.

Clint: [To Harvey] Right, that'll be our story! [Looks at the carriage approvingly] Everyone ready to go?

Harvey : Well said Sister, now -

[HARVEY looks taken aback as ALICE zooms passed him and into the driver's seat.]

Alice : [Holding on to the reigns] Brrrrrmm! Vooooom!

[HARVEY says nothing, but gives a disapproving shake of his head, at which ALICE slowly gets up and sits in the back. Soon everyone is on the carriage, with HARVEY driving.]

Avid : And so, we have slipped aboard their carriage. I don't think they have noticed us, so that will give us a chance to observe them up close.

Austin : [Turns to Avid and tries to stuff a handkerchief in his mouth] Help me with this please Mr. Scar.

Avid : [Pushes Austin back] They appear to be trying to groom me. [The carriage pulls out at a sedate rate, hotly pursued by TOBY, who can just about keep up, but isn't gaining.]

Harvey : [Turns and glares at the commotion] Behave yourselves! charset="iso-8859-1"

Chastity : Perhaps you should go at least a little faster, Colonel. That irritating Toby is in pursuit.

Austin : [Leaving Avid alone] Did Toby shave the horses too?

Harvey : Good idea, Sister. [HARVEY increases the speed a touch, causing TOBY to match it, now running at full tilt. Enter PADDY STAY, a man dressed all in green and with a big bushy beard, standing out in the middle of the road.]

Paddy : [Holding up his shillelagh] Ah now, be stoppin'! [HARVEY jams on the brakes, and stops about an inch from PADDY, but causing poor old TOBY to run staight into the back of the carriage, before falling to the ground.]

Alice : [To Austin] Now that you mention it, the horses are kind of bald, aren't they? [Looks down at Toby] Hey! [To the others] He's out cold.

Clint: [To Paddy] What the hell are you doing?! Get out of the damn road!

Paddy : [Gives an ostentatious bow] Ah now, I'm awfully sorry altogether, awfully, and terribly, but I was thinking that you fine folks might want to join a new religion, the one belief system that will guarantee the saving of your souls after the upcoming armageddon. The name is Stay, Paddy Stay.

Clint: [Cagily] Maybe. Tell us more about it. charset="iso-8859-1"

Chastity : Who are you with to make such claims here is already one single belief system that will guarantee all that, but it is far from new! The blessed church of Phili!

Paddy : [Ignoring Chastity, and addressing Clint] Well, it's not my real name, but it's the kind of name that Diceifer would approve of. [Suddenly adopts a strong Oirish accent] Oh, it is to be sure. [Enter PATRICK STAY, a man with a green beard, a big green hat, but normal clothing.]

Patrick : [With a really bad, fake Oirish accent] Ah! Top o' the morning to you. Patrick Stay is the name.

Paddy : [Turns aghast to Patrick] What? You can't be Patrick! We can't have the same name!

Patrick : [Shrugs] What do you mean? They're totally different.

Paddy : They're not! They're the same! It's the same name! [Turns to the party] Aren't they the same name? Quoting Conor Ryan :

Austin : [To Paddy] We can call you Paddy, and him Patrick, then no one will get confused. Does you new religion invlove drinking alcohol and partying alot?

Patrick : If by partying you mean fighting and puking, then yes.

Paddy : Diceifer has shown us the way!

Clint: [Astonished] Sign me up! What do I have to do??

Patrick : For a start, you'll have to not wash for a - [sniff sniff] welcome, brother! I mean, [puts on his bad Oirish accent again] Sure 'n' begorrah, to be sure, faith and holy Marjorie.

Paddy : It's Holy Mary, y'eejit!

Alice : [To the party] Do they remind anyone of Dicey?

Clint: [Looking at the Patricks suspiciously] Who's this Diceifer you mentioned?

Harvey : Oh by the saints, no! Don't tell me that rogue with the brogue Dicey Fortycoats O Reilly has started a new religion here? The Unrigheous Path to Thieving or the Double Visioned Road To Drinking or somesuch?

Patrick : He is the Lord Diceifer, chosen by Phili himself to lead us to salvation on the holy path of drinkin', fightin' and thievin'!

Harvey : [Laughs longly and loudly] Ha sir, chosen by Phili himself I think not! Ha! Unless of course he broke into heaven and got private God so blind roaring drunk that He didn't know what He was doing or saying! Lord Diceifier indeed!

Patrick : Do not mock the great Diceifer! He holds the magic egg!

[PADDY gets down on his knees and does a few bows.]

Paddy : Hail to Diceifer! Hail to - [notices that he's the only one doing it] Hey! Come on! I can't be the only one doing it! [Points at Clint] Come on down, brother!

Harvey : Ah, the most holy "praying to the white porcelaine bowl" position, eh! I'm not at all surprised that Diceys worshippers are familiar with it! [To the others] But, the man has another egg, what! Perhaps we should have private Sleaze, er, examine it carefully, jus like the last one.

Alice : Actually, wouldn't it be much better if he just broke it?

Clint: [To Paddy, annoyed] When do we get to the part with the drinking and fighting?

Paddy : As soon as we have enough men for our platoon. You're the second already today, we'll have enough in no time.

Alice : Men? Can't women join your platoon?

[PADDY and PATRICK burst out laughing.]

Paddy : Sure, honey, just in case there's any emergency ware washing or curtain making to be done.

Patrick : We don't really have a relationship as such. We're the one true religion, and they're not. Unfortunately, we're still at the recruiting stage, so our numbers are relatively small still, but as soon as we have the full platoon, we'll show them what for! charset="iso-8859-1"

Chastity : [Shaking her head in disbelief] Fortycoats starting a religion based on his beliefs! It makes Adam Torques movement almost seem well motivated! What has happened to the world?

Patrick : [Enthusiastically] I know! Isn't it great? It's just as well he's around, what with all those other crackpot religions around. Why, once we have the platoon together, we'll kick their asses - we'll show them to worship Phili the wrong way!

Alice : I thought they already were worshipping him the wrong way?

Paddy : [Points his shillelagh angrily at Alice] That's why Diceifer doesn't want women tarnishing his pure movement.

Alice : [Unimpressed] What? Even his poo is clean? Given the stink off his breath [theatrically] I doubt it!

Austin : [Goes over to check on the 'well being' of Toby and tie him up]

Harvey : [To Paddy] Have you not heard sir, that a platoon marches on its stomach, so let me ask you this. If you have no ladies present, who makes the food, or sandwiches, or even the tea? Eh? Eh?

Austin : [Returning from Toby, who is now in the safety position and tied up. To Harvey] Colonel, I believe that they prefer liquid lunches, alcoholic ones. They don't appear to like women very much, perhaps they are more of Hatchberk's type. [Checks his nails, waiting for Harvey to make an inappropriate comment]

Harvey : [Face darkens] I see, those sorts of people, eh! [To Paddy] Well sir, perhaps you could lead us to O Reilly as of the now, and definitely from the front!

Alice : [Sigh] Uncle Harvey strikes another blow for women's rights.

Paddy : [To Harvey] Ah, be quiet! We don't want the likes of you ordering us around. Diceifer will decide when it is time for him to reveal himself, once our platoon is fully formed.

Harvey : [Outraged] By the saints, sir, there are ladies present! If that rogue even attempts to disrobe himself, he shall receive a bloody lip, sir! A bloody lip, I say!

Paddy : Look, Fat Boy, you wanna shut your mouth or you'll find your carriage up on bricks quicker than um, something really quick like,

Alice : [Sitting back with her arms folded, annoyed at the whole conversation] Quicker than an Oirishman can make a sexist remark?

Austin : [To Harvey] Shall we go? [Starts heading back to the carriage]

Alice : Fine. Let's keep it to sexism, so. Honestly, I'm sick of people portraying women as only capable of cooking, cleaning and sewing.

Harvey : [Eyes light up] Ah niece! I didn't know you could cook.

Alice : Well, I can't, but that's not the point. Let's just run them over.

Patrick : [To Clint] Come on, brother! Join us and swell our members.

Paddy : [To Patrick] You know, that sounded a bit gay.

Patrick : [Thinks for a moment] Yeah, I guess it did. [To Clint] Come on, borther! Join us and swell our numbers.

Clint: [Snorts] What's wrong, Sist? Got that not-so-fresh feeling?! charset="iso-8859-1"

Chastity : Why? Hoping you're not alone? [To Harvey] I think we should continue on, Colonel. We will spend from now to eternity if we stop to interogate every religious crack-pot splinter group we encounter on the way to town.

Alice : You're a pig, Clint.

Harvey : I think you're correct, Sister. [Glances behind] What happened to that oaf Toby?

Austin : He is tied up on the side of the road.

Clint: All right, let's get moving!

Clint: [Hops out of the carriage to assess the damage]

Harvey : Gah! I don't know what happened! I didn't even see the hole.

[The rest of the party get down to check it out too, and see that the wheel is badly broken, and will probably need a blacksmith to repair it. Enter S'RAH, an exotic looking woman in a small carriage.]

S'rah : [Gives the party a lazy look, and holds up her hand as she stops] Greetings. I am S'rah.

Alice : Hi Sarah, I'm Alice, this is Clint, Austin, Harvey, Chastity and Monty. S'rah : No. It's S'rah.

Alice : [Puzzled] O-kay.

Clint: [Nudges Alice aside to get closer to S'rah] Hey, baby, how's it going? I'm Clint. [gives S'rah a big cheesy grin]

Austin : [Tuts at Alice] It's an entirely different name. [Bows slightly to S'rah] Austin Sleaze, attorney at law. S'rah : [Holds out her hand for it to be kissed, but sizing up Alice] A pleasure, I'm sure. charset="iso-8859-1"

Chastity : [To S'rah] Could you tell us how far we are from town? [Gestures to the broken carriage] We have a piece of misfortune. S'rah : [Looks at the wheel] How awful. You are about ten miles from Apraxia. [Runs her gaze over the men] However, my friends and I may be able to help you out. S'rah : [Sighs and gives Chastity a withering look] They aren't here at the moment. [Turns to Austin and Clint, with a much nicer tone] You may have heard of us. We're the Weavenologists. charset="iso-8859-1"

Chastity : [Looking around tentatively] Which friends?

Austin : [To S'rah] Yes we heard mention of your name very recently. The Shavenologists and the Diceyientists or what ever those drunken theives call themselves, both mentioned you. Are you the leader of the Weavenologists? [Adds quickly] and do you also have an egg?

Srah : [Gives Austin a lazy look] Why? You looking to fertilise it? [Shakes her head] No, I'm not the leader of the Weavenologists, merely a follower.

Austin : [Smirking, to Srah, jokingly] Well, practice makes perfect. [Jokingly] There are a few too many people around at the moment though, not my kind of audience. [To Srah, looking at how well she is dressed] I take it that there are some good designer outlets in Apraxia?

Srah : Oh, no, darling. Apraxia is the greatest fashion disaster since, [turns and looks Alice and Chastity up and down] well. It's a fashion disaster.

Harvey : [Bows to S'rah] Greetings to you my dear, I am Harvey Kingston Short the third, ex-colonel of his royal majesties fifth cavalry brigade. Do you have a carpenter among your friends to help fix this wheel?

Clint: [Steps in front of Austin to get closer to S'rah] In the meantime, maybe you can help me! [wiggles eyebrows suggestively]

Srah : [Shrugs] Well, not amongst [emphasis] my friends, but I'm sure one of the proles will be able to help.

Harvey : Well, excellent, excellent indeed! [Scratches his sideburn] Tell me my dear, does your religion also possess a strange, metallic looking egg? S'rah : [With a superior look at Clint] And what [pause] of your many problems do you need help with. [Glances at Harvey] Possibly. You'd have to talk to one of the sisters about that.

Alice : [Gives a look of surprise] Cool! Chas, what's the deal with their egg ownership?

Chastity : [Rolls her eyes] Oh do be quiet, you foolish girl.

Harvey : [To S'rah] I'm sure we will, my dear. In the meantime, how about you tell us about the merits of being a Weaventologist, and what attracted you to it? What are your beliefs?

Srah : [Gives another shrug] I only joined because of the excellent access to stylish clothes and high quality hair care products.

Alice : [Slips in front of Clint] Where do I sign?

Srah : Sorry, dear. Your hair is far too short.

Alice : [Clenches her fists and storms off with a face like thunder, muttering to herself] Bloody Grace!

Harvey : By your long haired saints, that seems an odd reason to follow a religion! What did you do before joining the Weaventologists?

Srah : I spent some time being chased out of Apraxia by the Chavenologists.

Clint: [Gets in front of Alice. To S'rah] Well, I wouldn't kick you outta bed, if that's any consolation [winks at S'rah].

Austin : [Slips in front of Clint] Please excuse my comrades.

Srah : That's quite alright. What are you people doing going to Apraxia? You don't seem [struggles for the word] common enough.

Alice : Yes. Reasonably successful. Monty came back with us.

[Enter GAIA and LEEZA CONDI, the former wearing religious type robes and the latter with a smart business suit. Both have elaborate hairstyles, and both are on foot.]

Gaia : Peaceful greetings to all. May your hair grow strong and may your curls be natural. charset="iso-8859-1"

Chastity : I don't know if my blood pressure can take more of these false religions.[To Alice] No mention of [Points at Alice up and down] matching collar and cuffs, dear, so you should still be OK [give two thumbs up]

Austin : [Blinking at Chastities remark as if she were a strange creature making squarking sounds. Turns to Srah] I don't suppose the Weavenologists are throwing a party any time soon?

Leeza : [Steps into the conversation, her face contorted with anger] Party? The world is almost at an end. [Loudly] Fact! [Normal voice] A third of the population of the Realms are either dead or starving. Fact!

Srah : [Takes out a cigarette holder even longer than Austin's, puts a cigarette in it and holds it out to him to light it] She means no.

Leeza : [Curls her lip up in disgust at Monty] They're starving, but they will soon be dead. I wouldn't expect a [with even more disgust] man to understand. Great Phili herself guided your carriage into the pot hole, perhaps because she believed you need guidance. And you need guidance. [Short pause] Fact!

Chastity : My circulatory faculties? What are you talking about Mr. Giles?

Clint: [To Monty, sarcastically] She was kidding, genius! [Looks at Alice and rolls his eyes at Monty's cluelessness]

Austin : [To Leeza] Phili is a man. [Smirks] Fact. It said so on his driving license, and he has a beard. [Takes out his Klauz Rimeri short cigarette holder and lights up a cigarette] And there is always some one starving somewhere. Fact. And if you are so concerened about it why don't you go and feed them. Request. [Blows three smoke rings and sighs]

Alice : [Rolls her eyes back at Clint] I know, you'd nearly feel sorry for him!

Leeza : Fine. We won't bother helping you, because you're an idiot. Fact.

Gaia : [Holds up her hand] Please, let us all be calm. Such fighting disrupts the natural serenity of Mother Earth.

Clint: [To Leeza] You weren't going to help us, anyway! You're a prissy bitch! Fact.

Alice : [Unimpressed at Monty] Perhaps if you made a point of contributing to the mental health and safety of the group, not to mention the morale of it, you wouldn't be such a tiresome person to have around.

Leeza : [Snorts with derision at Clint] Typical! Any woman who stands up to you has to be a prissy bitch! I'm just surprised you haven't called me a lesbian yet.

Gaia : [With a gentle smile] I believe I sense some tension.

Clint: [To Leeza] With the looks you've been giving me?! Trust me, baby, I get the message. You're just not my type. [Turns to Gaia] Know anyone who can fix a broken wheel?

Leeza : Why? Because I'm a strong, confident woman with my own opinions?

Alice : [Sighs] No, because you're a bitch.

Gaia : [To Clint] Of course, we have people who are well practiced at repairing wheels broken in that pothole.

Clint: [Ignoring Leeza completely. To Gaia] Great. Could you help us out, then?

Austin : [To Gaia] Excellent, thank you for being so helpful, [Glances at Leeza with a sneer. To Gaia, casually] could you tell us where we can find these people?

Leeza : Typical! Women-hating men relying on us for help!

Gaia : Of course. Our base is just over there. [Points in a direction]

Harvey : Excellent stuff, Madam. Dashed convenient the breakage happened so close, eh?

Srah : Not really. That's where they dug the pothole. [Gestures to the hole the wheel is in] I'm sure it's more difficult to see it when it's covered in twigs.

Austin : [Blowing a smoke ring. To Srah, chuckling] Ha! An old prole trick for druming up business. The scallywags can be quite industrious when they are hungry.

Clint: [To Austin] Thinking of suing them?

Austin : [To Clint] Not if they are going to fix it properly, and these cases are always very, very difficult to prove. [Sighs] You would need many witnesses, as they always have plenty of alibis, counter witnesses etc, and they probably got the kids to do it to allow the adults to plead not guiltly etc [Frowns, then chuckles] Then even if you do prove guilt they inevitablly have no money and end up a burden on the tax payer whilst serving their sentence. None of which gets your wheel fixed or the pothole repaired. All for nothing you see, that's why it's so clever. [Muses] I wonder if they really are that clever and thoughtful, or if it was just trial and error which lead to the discovery of this particular legal quagmire.

Srah : More like a trick by the Weavenologists to drum up business.

Leeza : Only people with open minds can be dealt with. Most people on the way to Apraxia are the opposite, especially [gestures to the party] these. Fact. Some people need a little bit of persuasion to visit the sanctuary. Fact.

Alice : [Puts her head to one side and snores, pretending to be asleep]

Austin : [To Srah] Indeed. So what do you do for entertainment in these parts then?

Srah : There's lots of chanting, getting in touch with our [with distaste] womanhood and identifying with Mother Earth. [Tips some cigarette ash on the ground, to Gaia's obvious dismay]

Gaia : [Cleaning the ash] Oh, that's just S'rah having her joke. We have lots and lots of fun. We plant things, we knit things, pray, sing, laugh, cry, unite our spirits, heal the sick, oh, [with a smile] and wait until you attend your first Menstruation Celebration, they're always a fantastic success. [Face takes on a thoughtful look] Although people are often very nervous and tense before them.

Clint: [Mildly disgusted but somewhat intrigued] So, are you telling me there's nothing but a bunch of lonely single broads in your little club?

Gaia : Oh no! It's a very fulfilling life, united in a spirit of sisterhood, free from the temptations of the flesh.

Chastity : [Gives Alice a little poke forwards] Looks like this is just what you need, Alice!

Alice : [Glares at Chastity, before turning to Clint] Lonely single broads.

Gaia : And, of course, we have the most holy symbols of womanhood. The Egg.

Austin : [To Gaia] You have an egg, I'd just love to see it [Flicks some ash on the ground, completely oblivious to the previous frowns. To Gaia] Could you escort us to the sanctuary, we have been to several before, but none that had a commune.

Harvey : And my dears, a happy day for you, as I have a number of shirts need mending, what! [Looks at the pothole] You know, you could have killed us all with that if we'd been going a little faster! Quite, quite exceptionally dangerous!

Leeza : That hole was scientifically designed not to cause death. Fact!

Gaia : [Frowns at the cigarette ash] Of course, it would be our pleasure to bring you to our sanctuary.

Harvey : [To Leeza] What if someone had being doing, I don't know, needlework, or somesuch in a cart at the time, could have been a nasty pin in finger accident leading to death from bloodloss, eh? Eh? [To Gaia] Please lead the way, my dear!

Clint: [Gallantly offers Gaia his arm] You know, I'm pretty interested in getting it touch with your womanhood, myself. Got any plans later tonight, sweetheart?

Gaia : [Takes his arm] Well, I think Leeza has got something special planned for Alice.

Alice : [Excited and gives a little clap] Hooray! What is it?

Leeza : To show you that women who look like whores make life difficult for the rest of us.

Alice : [Dismayed] Hey!

[Book IV, Act IX, Scene IV. The Weavenologist Camp. GAIA, LEEZA, S'RAH, ALICE, AUSTIN, CHASTITY, CLINT, HARVEY and MONTY have just arrived after a short walk. There are about twenty or so large tents pitched, with a number of people walking around, although the party is still too far away to see them properly. There is another woman, MARTHA ALLEN, who is on her hands and knees bent over at the side of the path, with a sword lying beside her.]

Leeza : [With an exasperated snort] Martha! What are you doing? The countryside is full of crazed lunatics, fact! We need guards who are alert, fact!

Martha : [Turns from the side, with a small trowel in her hands] Oh! I'm sorry, I was just working on my vegetables. [Sees the party] Hi, I'm Mrs. Tom Lawson.

Leeza : No, you're not. You're Mizz Martha Allen! charset="iso-8859-1"

Chastity : [To Martha] A change of name? What happened to Mr. Lawson? [Looks around] He hasn't fallen victim to some of these crazed lunatics, has he?

Martha : [Sadly] I'm afraid he has. [Brightens up] Would anyone like some tea? Or cake? Or have any clothes that need washing?

Harvey : [To the party, with a raised eyebrow] Ah, some normality at last. charset="iso-8859-1"

Chastity : [To Harvey, uncertainly] Well it certainly make a pleasant change from all the threats we've been having. [To Martha] Some Tea and cake would be [emphasis] most welcome. Thank you. [Looks up at the campsite scene] I must say, this reminds me of the old girl scout camp I used to go on when I was younger. Although perhaps with slightly more hair lacquer.

Leeza : [Steps in front of Chastity] Don't you dare oppress her! boundary="----=_Part_2023_27162344.1112618422264"

Martha : I'm afraid so, I've got a lot of knitting to do, not to mention all that baking.

Leeza : [Jabs Martha with her finger] No! You're going to be free! [Jabs with each word] You're an attractive, strong and confident woman, [extra hard jab, almost knocking Martha over] Fact! [To Clint] She's not busy later. charset="iso-8859-1"

Chastity : [To Leeza] I must say, that you seem to have a slightly varied definition of oppression. There is no harm in playing hostess. It's a hard job, but one a person has can mould into their own style. boundary="----=_Part_2155_29143728.1112620917473"

Leeza : No harm in playing hostess? What about condoning the stereotypes that ritualistically and systematically enslave women? People like her need protecting from people like you, fact!

Alice : And who's going to protect her from people like you?

Leeza : She's an attractive, strong and confident woman, fact! She doesn't need protecting from anyone.

Alice : Gee, Clint, if you get any more excited, we'll all be able to see your tent!

Martha : [To Clint] Oh! Sounds great, and you'll probably want someone to wash those clothes too, right? charset="iso-8859-1"

Chastity : [Urgently to Martha] No! You're an attractive, strong and confident woman. [To Leeza] I can see that she may well require a little guidance. May we see round your sanctuary? boundary="----=_Part_2192_1659729.1112622524193"

Martha : I just want to be a good wife to someone.

Leeza : The best way to be a [with distaste] good wife is to embrace the teachings of the Weavenologists, to live the life with the strength, power and sisterhood that can only be achieved through the unity of the wombs.

Austin : [Checks his nails in a bored fashion] You mean by become men hating militants?

Leeza : That's just part of it. [To Chastity] Yes, yes you can. [Pause, and very, very loudly] Fact! boundary="----=_Part_2221_6156525.1112623990967"

Austin : [Produces a form from within his jacket] And I can set you up with an iron clad pre-nupt, for a small percentage, of course.

Martha : That sounds great! I really need to get up to date on all the new cleaning technology, maybe you could help me out with that? I've heard that there's even a new machine that does the washing for you! [Thinks] What's it called again?

Alice : A servant? boundary="----=_Part_2227_16888566.1112624799024"

Leeza : [Getting in Clint's face before Alice has a chance to react] How dare you! Her hair is perfect! No one has a right to criticise a woman's appearance, no one! [Steps back and calms herself down, before glancing at Alice] He does have a point, though.

Alice : [Folds her arms, unimpressed, turning to the party] Let's just find their egg and get Austin to stick his finger in it.

Harvey : Absolutely dear niece! Absolutely! [To Leeza] Could you show us to your temple, my dear?

Leeza : Of course. [To Martha] Get the wigs.

[MARTHA heads off towards one of the tents.]

Clint: [Nudging Harvey with a smirk] Good for you, Colonel!

Harvey : I say madam, did you just say wigs? Ha, I haven't worn one of those since Vietnumnum, '69, when Tommy 'Thundertrousers' Tibbet and I staged a cabaret act of Two Rotund Slappers for the lads to keep spirits up at Philimas! I was Bertha, and Tommy was Tracey! It was all going famously until Tommy had a few drinks too many [darkly] and ended up getting married to Major Dingwall Gaspode that very evening! Oddly enough, I believe they're still happily together and have an antique shop in San Fransicet. [Shrugs] War does a strange thing to a man!

Alice : [Incredulously] Uncle Dingy and Aunt Tracey? That might explain why she had such a hairy back.

Leeza : The Weavenologists cannot tolerate the poorly and mundanely coiffuered. Fortunately, we have a selection that we can give to visitors.

Harvey : [To Alice] Indeed so dear niece, you were always fascinated when plaiting her backhair with little pink ribbons, I seem to remember!

Alice : [Fondly] Ah yes, they were good times. [Face grows darker] Until we found the rat living in there.

[Enter MARTHA with a selection of outrageous wigs, all of which are enormous beehive types.]

Martha : I got the most conservative ones I could find.

Clint: [Picks up the most outrageous wig he can find and promptly dons it] Now we got ourselves a party! [To Martha] Now be a good girl and round us up some booze, would ya?

Martha : Sure! Would you like me to get you a frosted glass and some chips and dip? I could cook some nice finger food too, maybe little chicken pieces in the shape of ex-presidents?

Leeza : No! Alcohol is a tool of the devil, fact!

Clint: [To Martha, with a big grin] Hell, yeah! Keep up the good work, baby, and you might not have to look too far for a husband, after all! [Winks at Martha and swats her ass playfully]

Clint: [To Martha, with a big grin] Hell, yeah! Keep up the good work, baby, and you might not have to look too far for a husband, after all! [Winks at Martha and swats her ass playfully]

Alice : [Popping a wig on too] Wow, Monty, that's a really good look for you!

Austin : [Distastefully looking at one] Is this entirely necessary? charset="iso-8859-1"

Chastity : [Putting on a wig. To Austin] Now come on Mr. Sleaze, just treat it as a roleplaying exercise. After being a back end of a cow I'd have thought this was easy.

Austin : [Puts a wig on] That's easy for you to say, Sister, as I'm sure that you've had entirely more experience at being the back end of a cow than anyone else here. charset="iso-8859-1"

Chastity : Only in that I've had a lot of pats on the back.

Austin : [Sneers at Chastity] Ah yes, a bit of slap and tickle with the priests, no doubt.

Harvey : [To Monty] By the saints, sir! Such a dandified piece of headgear can hardly be considered knightly attire! However, in the interests of the Troop, I shall wear one, although not having a puffy ballgown and not being on stage with two hundred excited soldiers will certainly make for a rum experience, what?

Martha : [Looks a bit downcast] You all look lovely in your wigs.

Harvey : I say sir, your enthusiasm for wearing womanly things is admirable, but try to contain yourself. [Puts a wig on] [Everyone moves into the camp, where there are several women walking around. One of them, LESLIE DORSEY, approaches the party. She is heavily armed and looking quite aggressive.]

Leslie : [With a suspiciously masculine voice] What the hell is this? [Points her sword around, indicating the wigs]

Leslie : [Angrily] I'm not camp, I'm a woman! What the hell do you [almost spits out the word] men want here? We don't want your sort around here, you're nothing but bastards. [Squeezes Chastity's arm] Not you dear, [turns to Alice] nor you. [Gives Alice a big hug, which seems a bit more than sisterly, but lets go after a while]

Alice : [Looks confused] Hey! charset="iso-8859-1"

Chastity : [To Leslie] You seem ot run a tight camp round here. A life long girl scout?

Leslie : [Gives a quick glare at Martha] Yes! [Emphasis] All my life. [More calmly, and addressing Chastity] These men, are they yours? charset="iso-8859-1"

Chastity : They are colleagues, united in the fight against evil.

Leeza : The vast majority of evil in the world is caused by men, fact!

Leslie : She's right. It is only us sisters who can be trusted. [ALICE stifles a laugh.]

Martha : [Starts to smile too] What? What's so funny?

Alice : That's a joke, isn't it? I mean, no offence, Leslie, but you are a guy, right? [LESLIE glares at ALICE, as MARTHA's smile quickly fades.] charset="iso-8859-1"

Chastity : [To Alice] Now Alice, you know that sometimes there can be a fine line between man and woman. [Glances at Austin]

Austin : Indeed Alice, many women have much facial hair.

Leslie : [To Chastity, giving the occasional glare at Alice] What do you want here?

Clint: [To Leslie] We broke a wheel on our carriage. Anyone around here who could fix it?

Gaia : They also asked about the egg, perhaps we can convert them?

Alice : To women? And how would you do that? [Glances at Leslie] Ah.

Leslie : What the hell do you want to do with our egg? How do you know we have an egg? [Calms a bit] What makes you think we have an egg. [Brushes herself down] What egg?

Clint: [Slightly bored] Oh, right, first we want to see that egg. [To Martha, brightening] How's that beer and chips coming along, babe?

Martha : [Holds her hands up in a "no" gesture to Clint] Chips?

Leslie : [Loudly] Chips? I think we need to bring them to [dramatic and ominous pause] Eve! [The party all stand around nonchalantly for a few moments.]

Alice : Who's he?

Leeza : [Angrily to Alice] Eve is our beloved leader, fact! charset="iso-8859-1"

Chastity : Well that would be nice. Where is she? [Gestures round the camp] In one of these tents?

Gaia : [Gestures to a stone building in the middle of the camp] No, she is in there. [GAIA leads the party to the building, which looks like a medium sized house that has been here for quite a while.]

Gaia : Please wait here a moment. [Enters the house and closes the door.]

Martha : [Quietly to the party] Best not to talk about beer and chips when inside.

Clint: [Dismayed] Why not? What the hell?! [Tries to put an arm around Martha] I thought we understood each other! Didn't the last two minutes mean [emphasis] anything to you?

Leeza : [Before Martha can answer] Back off, Mister, because [emphasis] I understand you! Stop abusing her! charset="iso-8859-1"

Chastity : [Quickly stepping in. To Clint] Leave her alone, you animal. The last two minutes probably mean she'll have to get a clean change of clothes after your grimy touch. This is our chance to see [pointedly] the egg! We don't want your hormones ruining the opportunity.

Harvey : Indeed Private Scar, stop oppressing the lady. [Awkwardly] Girl Power!

[Enter GAIA, back through the door.]

Gaia : [With a reverential hush] Eve will see you now.

Clint: [Defensively] Hey, I wasn't abusing or oppressing her! She wanted to give me food and booze, and I wanted to give her the greatest joy a woman can experience!

Alice : [Face lights up] You've got a Double Chocolate Fudge Chocolate Cake? charset="iso-8859-1"

Chastity : No dear, I think he means the gift of children, which is reason enough to stop him. We all know what complications that has led to already!

Clint: [To Alice] Yeah, but it's back in the carriage. Say, why don't you munch on those rolos you won off of me until I can go get the cake??

Martha : Oh! I can get it! And some plates too!

Gaia : Please, Martha, calm yourself. [Gestures to the door and addresses the party] Eve is waiting for you.

Clint: [To Gaia] Thanks, toots! [walks through the door]

Leeza : What a pig!

[The party enter, and LEEZA slams the door after them. The room is dimly lit, but there is someone sitting off to one side, who's face can't be seen, this is EVE, who speaks with an abrasive voice.]

Eve : Who dares enter the lair of the Weavenologists?

Clint: Clint Scar and, uh, party of [stops to count on his fingers] five? We're here about the egg.

Eve : [Stepping into the light so the party can see her, and thundering] What business have you with the Egg? [Everyone in the party instinctively flinches on seeing EVE, and can't take their eyes off her hair.]

Eve : No. It's not a bow, it's my hair.

Clint: [Struggling to keep his eyes off the hair-bow] Oh, well, we're tourists, seeing all the sights in the area, that kind of thing. Heard about your egg and thought it sounded, uh, neat. So, where is it? charset="iso-8859-1"

Chastity : And very nice it is too, may I say. As for the egg, we have reason to believe that your organisation is being manipulated by way of your egg. The shavenologists, until recently, had an egg that housed some unholy horror within.

Eve : Of course we're being manipulated by the egg, the egg is the source of our strength and luscious hair.

Clint: [Groans and gives Chastity a dirty look] Doesn't anyone do undercover work anymore?! [To Eve, warily] What exactly does the egg make you do?

Eve : It doesn't make us do anything, it merely tells us how Phili wishes us to worship her, and how we can best defeat our most hated enemies.

Alice : The, uh, followers of Dangsten and Seth?

Eve : [Tuts and rolls her eyes] No! The Chavenologists!

Harvey : And how, my dear, does the egg tell you things? Did it tell you to hate the Chavenologists?

Clint: [To Eve] Who the hell are they?

Eve : [With a snort of derision at Harvey] No. Commonsense told us that. [Turns her icy gaze on Clint] Who, indeed. Who.

Harvey : I'm sorry, was that a question, what? I would have thought if these Chavenologists were your mostest bitterest enemies, you'd have some idea who they were!

Eve : That would mean getting close to them, and we do not want to do that. If we weren't sure that you weren't Chevenologist spies, you would have been killed already.

Harvey : By the saints, we almost were what with that damnable pothole you've created in the road!

Eve : How else are we to free the women that you have enslaved?

Clint: You mean like the bimbo? You really think she's got the brainpower to make it anywhere on her own?!

Harvey : [Splutters] Enslaved? Enslaved? We haven't enslaved any women, madam! Outrageous! As for how to free other women, why not simply ask them to follow you, or is your opinion in your own sex so low that you feel you have to rip them from the heart of their friends or families to join your crusade, rather than just ask them to choose for themselves?

Alice : [Aggressively to Eve] Yeah!

Eve : [Wipes an imaginary bit of Harvey's saliva off her face] No. My opinion of your sex is so low that they have beaten women down into slavery so severely they don't even realise that they are slaves.

Eve : [Sarcastically] So naturally, you choose to deliberately misunderstand what a woman says. An unsurprising philosophy coming from a man,

Alice : [Shakes her head] Nah, Monty, I mean, I know Eve has the big hands and all, but Leslie's lips and voice are fooling no one. [Playfully] Or are they?

Eve : [Thunderously angry] What? Get the hell out of here! charset="iso-8859-1"

Chastity : Mr. Giles! And to think you were with us for your diplomacy. I don't know who is worse, you or Mr. Scar! Apologise to this woman.

Austin : [Smirking] Indeed, Mr. Giles, your behaviour is most unbecoming of a watcher. [Straightens a cuff] Ahem.

Harvey : Well private, that was then and this is now, can't always be looking backwards, what! [To Eve] Excuse some of the less liberated members of our party my dear, quite a disgrace! Perhaps we can repay you with a favour in some way! My niece here is excellent at plaiting hair in those hard to reach places, just ask private Tracey!

Eve : [Looks Alice up and down] Strange, you don't look that hairy. Who's Tracey? [Points at Monty] Her? charset="iso-8859-1"

Chastity : [To Alice] Huh! And he calls himself a watcher!

Clint: [To Eve] Look, bub, we just want to see the egg. We're not here to judge you. Everyone here's done a little cross-dressing [looks at the group and nods encouragingly], so we've been in your shoes. Or panties. Or boxers. Whatever.

Eve : Oh fine! [Points to another door] It's in there. But I'm warning you, crossdressers or no, I'm going to get some guards to go in and keep an eye on you. [Puts on a scarily determined face] Okay? [Turns to Alice in an extremely friendly tone] So, crossdresser, eh?

Alice : What?

Alice : [Nods] Yeah, he's much more of a bitcher.

Eve : Regulatory standards? Who's standards?

Clint: [Nods at Eve and furtively indicates his upper lip, then points to Alice] See what I mean? [To the party] So, let's see that egg! [throws open the door to the egg room and goes through]

Alice : [Follows Clint's movements and pointing] What?

Harvey : Indeed, let us see [big emphasis, clearly meant for Chastity's benefit] eggsactly what's going on here?

Clint: [To Alice] That mustache is nothing to be ashamed of, Bimbo! You wear it with pride! [Looks inside the egg room] Well, whaddya we got here?

Alice : That's not a moustache, Stinky, it's a wig. [Everyone is now in the room, which is a similarly dark room.]

Eve : You unbelievers! Now, let you be judged by Statsy! [Slams the door after them, which shuts with a resounding bang] [Book IV, Act IX, Scene V. The Dark Room. ALICE, AUSTIN, CHASTITY, CLINT, HARVEY and MONTY are here. The room is about half the size of the previous one, and doesn't appear to have any windows.]

Harvey : [Turns and tries the door] Confounded women! They've locked us in!

Austin : Finally. Now at least one can have a smoke. [Takes out a cheeseratte and lights it] [AUSTIN's cheeseratte lights up the room slightly, showing that, in one corner there is a hole disappearing down into darkness.]

Alice : [Furiously to Clint and Monty] Now! Happy? Look at what you've done! charset="iso-8859-1"

Chastity : [Slightly huffily] Well I know who I blame for all there ridiculous talk of hairy women. [Takes off her wig] preposterous! I Suppose some light is in order. [Bows her head and mumbles a brief incantation]

[The room slowly lights up, revealing that there are no windows, and that the only door is that which the party came through. There is what looks like a hole for a trapdoor, but which has had the door removed.]

Harvey : By the saints! Let's jump down the hole! [Quickly walks to the hole and steps in]

Alice : Harvey! [To the others] Did you just see that? charset="iso-8859-1"

Chastity : Yes. I think we'd best follow. For the colonels sake if not for our own. I didn't like the way that woman mentioned that Statsy thing! [Claps her hands] Come on, don't dawdle! [Jumps down the hole after Harvey]

Alice : Chastity! Hang on! [Turns to the others] What on earth is wrong with them? They've come over all Faetan on us!

Austin : On the contrary, dear Alice, they are going to the egg. [Jumps down too]

Clint: [Looks at Alice and shrugs] Aw, what the hell! [jumps down the hole] charset="iso-8859-1"

Chastity : [To Statsy] Hello there. Who might you be? [Suddenly awkwardly] Not Statsy, by any chance?

Alice : But -

Monty : [Takes a step towards the hole] Quickly, Alice. Chop chop!

[Inside the hole is what appears to be a 30' x 30' cell, with no exits. There is a man here, lying in the corner, and a woman, STATSY PONE, who's smoking a cigarette. It is much darker down here than up above where MONTY and ALICE still are.]

Statsy : [Speaking quite quickly] Darlings, sweeties, please stop throwing yourselves in here. [Takes a drag of her cigarette, momentarily lighting up the room, showing that there is little else in here except a wooden chest, before giving a nod to Chastity] Yeah, cheers, the name's Statsy. You?

Clint: [Offers Statsy his hand] Heya, Statsy. Name's Clint. That's Chastity, Harvey and, uh, Lawyer [points at each as he names them]. We're here about the egg.

Statsy : Sweeties, you're wasting your time. Forget the egg, darlings, and concentrate on stopping your friends from - [MONTY leaps into the hole, almost landing on STATSY.]

Statsy : I just hope that whoever's left is smart and resourceful.

Alice : [Looks down through hole] Hey! I trod in something and now the bottom of my shoe is all sticky.

Statsy : [Takes another drag] We're screwed.

Clint: So, you're trying to get out of this hole? What are doing here, anyway?

Statsy : Starving to death, darling.

Austin : [Steps up to Statsy] And looking rather wonderful while doing it, too, I must say.

Statsy : Cheers, hon. [Feels Austin's suit] Mm, Smelvin Jyne, fabulous, darling, absolutely fabulous.

Clint: How long you been in this hole, toots?

Statsy : Not a clue, darling. A few days at least. Some friends and I were out in a carriage, and the wheel broke just a short walk from here. Honestly, darlings, I told them not to come here. I just knew there'd be a problem.

Harvey : A few days? Er, if you don't mind this old soldier saying so, you remarkably well.

Statsy : Darling, I used to be a model, I haven't eaten since '73.

Harvey : By the saints, that's even longer than me! [Stomach rumbles] Seventy three minutes, how did you cope, what? [Points to the man] And who is this?

Harvey : By the saints, that's even longer than me! [Stomach rumbles] Seventy three minutes, how did you cope, what? [Points to the man] And who is this?

Statsy : [Gives a laugh] Sure, darling, sure. A lot longer. [Looks at the man] Sorry, Sweetie, haven't a clue. He didn't have any cheese.

Statsy : Believers? [Snort of derisions] The idiots, you mean, darling? As soon as we reached the camp I got a flash darling, of something evil in this house, but the others came straight here. Next thing I know some of the others grabbed me and threw me down this hole.

Austin : [Steps up to Statsy] I have a rather full bodied red cheddar that might amuse you.

Statsy : Sorry, darling, it looks fabulous, absolutely fabulous, but [sniff aniff] I'm actually more interested in a little Parmesan, you know?

Statsy : Sweetie, all those who came down here have spoken of nothing else.

Statsy : [Dismissively] Oh, you know. The normal thing. The source of true power in the realms, how it will lead us to salvation, all that kind of thing. Honestly, sweetie, it's an awful bore.

Statsy : [Peers at Monty] What? Oh, sorry, darling, I forgot to mention, when the others came down here, they were able to climb back up using a ladder. When I was thrown down, the ladder was removed. Not that I'd be able to get up it anyway, not in this skirt and these shoes. [Shows the shoes to the party, which are really slutty six inch stilletoes.

Alice : Looking in] Wow! They're great!

Statsy : Cheers, sweetie, they are fabulous, aren't they?

Alice : Fabulous, darling. Absolutely fabulous, sweetie.

Statsy : Anyway, the point is, all those idiots jumped in here of their own accord, I was the only one who wouldn't. Say, darlings, why did you jump in?

Harvey : [Tearing his eyes away from the short skirt and shoes] Well, erm, I just felt compelled to, my dear!

Statsy : Well, darling. [Gestures to the chest] It's in there. Knock yourself out.

Alice : Hey! The door's opening up here, what should I do? charset="iso-8859-1"

Chastity : Mr. Sleaze, if you could focus your attentions on Statsy's chest? [pauses] I think I should have re-phrased that, but no time now. [To Alice] Hide, dear.

Alice : Where? Down there with you?

Harvey : Perhaps you could hide behind the door when they open it, dear niece, or even sneak out while their backs are turned and get help?

Alice : Good idea, Harv! That's bound to work. [ALICE disappears from sight, and the party hear the sound of the door being swung open.]

Alice : [Muffled] Ow. [Enter EVE, standing at the top of the hole.]

Eve : [Hands on hips, with a big sneer] And so the latest sacrifice has arrived!

Harvey : Sacrifice? Did she say sacrifice? Hurry troop, let's attempt to form a pyramid and have private Scar climb through the trapdoor and help Alice! charset="iso-8859-1"

Chastity : [looking up at Eve] I fear the element of surprise may be against us, Colonel. [To Eve] Have you tricked another innocent traveller with your outrageously coiffured deceptions?

Harvey : By the saints, if we had the time we could have re-woven these confounded wigs into a rope, thereby facilitating our escape through the trapdoor!

Clint: I'm with you, Colonel. Come on, people! Give me a boost up. That she-male is no match for Clint Scar! [flexes bicep impressively]

Eve : We don't have any more sacrifices, yet, we just came in to gloat, and to shoot you with crossbows to ensure you don't escape. [Breaks into classic evil maniac laugh] A-ha ha ha ha! A-ha ha ha - [snorts like a pig] Shut up!

Harvey : What's going on here? Why are we trapped down in this pit? It really is, well, the pits, madam, the pits!

Harvey : [To the others, obviously swelling with pride] That's got to be my dearest niece using her skills to help us out! Ha!

Clint: [Alarmed, yet aroused] She's whoring herself the she-male?! [cranes his neck to see what's happening above]

Harvey : [Gasps and swings around to Clint] How dare you sir, how dare you! [Attempts to karate punch Clint]

Austin : Let me see! Let me see! [HARVEY strikes CLINT just below the chin, and sends him flying across the room, crashing against the wall.]

Statsy : [Lights up another cigarette] Darlings, sweeties, this is not really the best time.

Harvey : [To Statsy] You're quite right madam, but I could not leave such an affront to my nieces impeccable honour pass by unnoticed! [To Clint] And you sir, you should know that! [Walks to Clint and holds out his hand to help him up]

Clint: [Groans in pain and drags himself to his feet, chuckling] Sorry, Colonel. Honest mistake! [ducks in anticipation of another chop] charset="iso-8859-1"

Chastity : [Shaking her head, looking at Clint] Sometimes I despair at the smutty thought patterns that seem to bounce round that head of your, Mr. Scar. [LEEZA and LESLIE appear, each holding onto ALICE, who looks dazed, before throwing her down on top of the others.]

Eve : [Points at Alice] Another unbeliever! She is worse than Statsy! charset="iso-8859-1"

Chastity : [Pointing angrily up at Eve] Throwing a girl down a hole is not constructive criticism on the state of her hair! [Goes to help Alice up]

Eve : It's not her hair we're concerned about, but the state of her soul!

Alice : [Pulls herself up using Chastity] Thanks, Chas, someone hit me with a door!

[LEEZA and LESLIE appear, crossbow bolts in hand.]

Leeza : We're gonna mess you up, fact!

Clint: [Sneering] Throw us in a pit and then shoot at us with crossbows?? What a bunch of cowards!

Leeza : We might be cowards, but we're cowards with God on our side! [Fires her crossbow at Clint, striking him in the thigh]

Austin : [Idly] Perhaps, Colonel, you could persuade them that you are on their side?

Harvey : My dears, stop this nonsense as of the now! We are not Chavenologists so we are not your bitterest enemies, however, as you can't walk among them, you will never know who is among their numbers! We however, not being elaborately coiffured and therefore sticking out like a sore thumb among the Chavs, can infiltrate their ranks and bring you back valid strategic information, eh!

[A number of other WEAVENOLOGISTS appear, including some the party met earlier, but neither MARTHA or S'RAH are there, they are all armed.]

Eve : They are clearly Chavenologist spies!

Statsy : [Takes a drag on her cigarette] They are clearly not Chavenologists, sweetie.

Eve : Whatever! They are clearly not Weavenologists, and never will be.

Harvey : Damn it woman, at least let the ladies go! You have no reason to hurt them!

Clint: [Nods emphatically at Harvey's suggestion] And this broad [jerks at thumb at Austin] can give you free legal advice and everything! Might come in handy, seeing as how you crazy dames have a deathtrap set up on the road out there.

Harvey : Well said, private Scar! That pothole is a lawsuit waiting to happen!

Austin : That is correct, Colonel, however, [looks up at the Weavenologists taking up positions around the hole] I suspect we need to take urgent action.

Harvey : Then urgent action is what we shall take! [Looks around the room] Surely there is a blind spot here that they can't reach with crossbows fired from above the trapdoor? [Looks at the man lying on the ground and checks to see if he's alive]

[The man is quite dead, and is clutching a piece of paper.]

Statsy : I think he's a suicide, sweetie.

Alice : How about behind that chest? [Points at the chest, which has no space behind it to hide in] [A hail of arrows envelopes the party, with everyone, including STATSY, being struck at least once, and all in the legs.]

Statsy : Ow! I say, sweeties, what's this all about?

Clint: [Attempts to open the chest, by force if necessary] Stop shooting at us or the egg gets it!!

Harvey : Gah! [Reads the piece of paper the man is holding] Alice, Chastity, my dear Statsy, perhaps you could use this mans body as a shield? charset="iso-8859-1"

Chastity : Lets hope you clever linguistic demonstration delays them, Mr. Giles, before you before a heroic pincushion. [Goes to help with the chest] [A barrage of crossbow bolts knocks MONTY to the ground.]

Harvey : By the saints, sir! Be careful! [ALICE and HARVEY take out their bows and fire at LEEZA and EVE, respectively, both hitting twice.]

Eve : [Genuinely shocked] Ow! Hey! They're not supposed to do that! [CLINT and CHASTITY flip the chest open, showing that it contains an identical egg to that owned by the SHAVENOLOGISTS, which AUSTIN immediately grabs.]

Austin : [Holding the egg in his left hand, and holding his bony finger from the right close to it] Ahem.

Leeza : You stupid man! The egg cannot be harmed. Fact! [AUSTIN gives an even more smug look than normal, and sticks his finger in, causing the egg to burst as before, and a similar, but slightly larger creature to pop out and land on the ground. It twitches slightly, and then goes still. Many of the Weavenologists gasp in shock, and there are a few screams.]

Statsy : [Leaning over to look at the creature] Fabulous, darling. Absolutely fabulous!

Harvey : I guess you could say, [begins shaking with mirth] eggsit one egg! [Bursts out laughing, long loud and very much alone. Finally he wipes tears from his eyes and turns to Eve] Well my dear, that creature is what you have been worshipping! Send instant messages to your online friends http://uk.messenger.yahoo.com charset="iso-8859-1"

Chastity : [Dramatically, with no little religious furver with a tint of smugness] There lies your false idol!

Alice : [To the party] She means the egg, right?

Eve : [Falls to her knees] Nooooooooo! [The Weavenologists slowly start to back off, leaving just EVE there.]

Eve : [Turns to them] Let's kill them!

Harvey : Oh let's not, eh. If I were you, madam, I'd start running now, before word spreads that you've forced all these women into giving up their normal lives for a disgusting little creature! Send instant messages to your online friends http://uk.messenger.yahoo.com

Austin : [Surprised at Monty] Indeed. [Gives a sleazy smile to Eve] Do you wish to be fingered by me?

Leeza : [Comes in to view again] Quickly, Eve, some of the women have lost their faith! [Starts pulling her back]

Harvey : [To the party] We'd better talk them into getting us a ladder before they leave though, eh! [Reads the piece of paper the body is holding] Send instant messages to your online friends http://uk.messenger.yahoo.com

Clint: [Nods at Monty's suggestion] Fine with me! [attempts to scale the wall on his own while he waits for the group to pyramid up]

[The hole is too far away from the wall to be able to just climb up the wall, but a pyramid three people high will easily reach.]

Alice : I think the top spot is a job for the most slender party member here.

Clint: [Nods at Alice] Good thinkin', Bimbo. Hop to it, Lawyer!

Alice : [Shakes her head] Nah, Stinky, he should go on the second row.

Clint: [Puzzled] But who's on top then? Surely not YOU, with those generous, child-bearing hips of yours? [unsuccessfully tries not to smirk]

Alice : [Gives Clint a super sweet smile] I always on top, Stinky.

Harvey : Too true dear niece, the cream always rises to the top! [Smiles at Alice] Right troop, me, private Giles and private Scar will form the lower tier, the good sister and private Sleaze the second.

Clint: [Shrugs] Fine, let's just stop screwing around! [To Alice, patronizingly] OK, Bimbo, now be sure to tie the rope to something [huge emphasis] before throwing it down here. Got it?

Harvey : Of course she will, private Scar, and less of your cheek! [Turns to Alice and whispers in true Harvey style] Dearest Alice, just make sure to attach it to something [huge whispered emphasis] before throwing it down here!

Alice : [Looks from Harvey to Clint] Thanks, but I'm not a total idiot, you know. [Pause] Now, when I tie it to something and throw it down, the thing I tie it to stays up above, right?

Austin : [To Harvey] Perhaps Alice should try to find a ladder or two.

Alice : Right, let's form a pyramid! [HARVEY, MONTY and CLINT take the bottom row, with CHASTITY and AUSTIN on the second row, while ALICE unsteadily clambers up to the top. Enter NATHANIEL FORTUNE, a man with a scarf around his face, who takes ALICE's hand and steadies her.]

Alice : Thanks.

Nathaniel : WUT R U TRYING 2 GET UP HEAR 4?

Alice : Huh? [Looks down at the others] Looks like there's some kind of foreigner here.

Austin : [To Nathaniel] We are trying to get out of this dungeon. Can you help us? We'll compensate you for your time and effort.

Clint: [Craning his neck to see what's going on] Those of us on the bottom row would appreciate it if you lard-asses could speed things up!

Alice : [Waves down at Clint] Sh! Let him speak!

Nathaniel : A REWARD?? LIEK, OMG!!1 HOW MUCH R U GIVING?

Austin : [To Clint] I would have thought you of all people would be quite happy being at the bottom of some slow moving lardy-asses. You're always in such a hurry these days. [Looks up to see what's going on]

Harvey : By the saints, what is that man talking about? [Loudly] Good day sir, do you by chance speak our language? Eh?

Nathaniel : WHAT DO U MEAN?!?1? COURSE I SPEAK UR LANGUAGE. [Pulls Alice up into the room]

Alice : Thanks! I'm Alice.

N8 : HELO HOW R U ALICE MY NA1M IZ N8.

Clint: [Bellowing] Bimbo! Find. A. Rope!!

Harvey : Alice, my dear, can you see a ladder or rope or somesuch? Perhaps Mr Nate has seen one around? Though how you'll explain what we're looking for is almost beyond comprehension!

N8 : WOW A BIMBO!!1! THATZ C00L... DO U WANNA JOIN MY POSSE UV B1TCHES?!?1?!?

Alice : What? Hang on. [Disappears from sight]

N8 : [Leaning over and looking in at the swaying remains of the party pyramid] I AM TOTALLY HARD. + WOULD PISZ ON TOP UV U 1F I DIDNT TH1NK THE WEAVENOLOGISTZ HAD IT 1N 4 U.

Alice : [Returning] Right. [Throws some rope down, and, suprisingly, it appears as though one end is tied to something]

Clint: [To the party still in the pit, in a low voice] WHAT did he just say?? Is this guy some kinda perv or what?

Chastity : [Grabbing the rope] Oh, Mister Scar! You think everyone's a pervert. [Starts swinging on the rope, giving those on the bottom row, that is, Harvey, Clint and Monty, a full view of her unmentionables] [Up above a terrible dragging sound can be heard, and CHASTITY drops, engulfing both HARVEY and CLINT in her habit for a moment, before ALICE and N8 start pulling her back up.]

N8 : WOW!!1!!1 THAT BITCH IZ TOTALLY HEAVY.

Harvey : I would shrug my shoulders, private Scar, were I able! Perhaps it is a greeting in his country? Let me see, what was it he said? [Loudly] Ah Sir, I'd pizz on you too and delighted I'm sure!

Austin : Well he is correct on two points there. Perhaps they are more intelligent than previous speculations

Chastity : [Scrambling up into the next room] Gasp! Thank you, young man. However, it is extremely bad manners to speak with a scarf over your mouth.

N8 : IM A REAL KRIM1NAL U STUPID BABE. IM A FUG1TIVE FRUM THE LAW!!1!!1 [The rest of the party are brought up in double quick time. There are hundreds of women outside, many of whom are standing around listlessly, but a significant proportion are carrying torches and other angry mob type weapons.]

Statsy : [Takes a look out] Darlings, Sweeties, I hope you have some kind of get away carriage, darlings, or we're in big trouble.

Clint: [Groans] We got one, but the wheel's broken. [To N8] Got a carriage, freak?

Harvey : Well, we had, but unfortunately it was knocked out of action by that damned pot hole! Perhaps the Weavenologists have one?

Statsy : [Peers out the window] Perhaps, darling, but how could we get to it?

N8 : [To Clint] NO. BUT IV GOT A PHREAKY CARRIAGE!! THEY OTTA B ALONG 4 ME S00N.

[Suddenly, a carriage horn playing "la cucaracha" blares out, and the Weavenologists run in panic, making way for the CHAVMOBILE, which bursts through the centre and skids to a halt in front of the building, with the front bouncing up and down and some hard core rap music pumping out from the carriage gramophone.]

Alice : [Disgusted] That's the getaway carriage?

N8 : YES, HAV U G0T D EGG???

Harvey : Deg?

N8 : YEAH D EGG. R U DEAF R WOT?!!1!

Austin : [To N8, attempting to speak fluent ned, badly] D egg is dead, N8, the ovum is deceased.

Clint: [Looks at Austin incredulously and shakes his head] Let me handle this, Lawyer. [Assumes classic hip hop pose] Yo, G! D egg B dead. Yo, don't h8 the playa, hate the game. Word. [Nods sagely and resumes normal Clint pose]

N8 : DEAD??? LET ME C

Chastity : [Points to the cracked egg and fetus] There. Austin poked it and it died.

N8 : WOW...DAT IZ SO KEWL!1!! U IS <3!! OMG!1 CUM ON M8S LETZ GET UV HEAR BEFORE THE BITCHES GET US LIEK OMG!1!

Alice : Less than three? [Totally confused] What? [To the party] I think he wants us to go with him [with a look of disgust] in that! [Points at the Chavmobile, which, right on cue gives another blow of its horn so "La Cucaracha" comes on again] [Absolute silence reigns for a moment, with even the rampaging mob outside silenced. A tumbleweed blows across the scene and lonely wind blows, as a wolf howls somewhere off in the distance.]

Alice : [Gives Clint a look of utter disgust] Well, that was embarassing. [A smile breaks out on N8's face, and he gives CLINT a friendly punch on the shoulder.]

N8 : KEWL!1! NOT BAD M8 NOT BAD AT AL 4 A NON CHGOTN [N8 flings the door open and runs to the CHAVMOBILE, causing the mob to rampage again. The back doors of the CHAVMOBILE swing open, showing that there is plenty of space for all the party.]

Clint: [Once again assuming a classic hip-hop stance] Yo, nice ride, homes. [Hops in the Chavmobile] [The rest of the party quickly follow CLINT, and slam the door behind them as the CHAVMOBILE zooms off.]

Eve : The bastards! They murdered the egg!

Leeza : I'm going to kill them. Fact!

Martha : [Holding a large tray of cakes] I just wanted to give them a treat. [Looks sad] [The CHAVMOBILE screeches to a halt, and reverses at high speed back towards the building.]

Harvey : [Opening a window and taking the tray] Thank you my dear! [Exit the CHAVMOBILE at high speed.]

Eve : [Growling at Martha] Stop looking so damned smug! [Book IV, Act IX, Scene VI. ALICE, AUSTIN, CHASTITY, CLINT, HARVEY and MONTY are here, as are N8, JORDAN GOODY and KEVIN BROOKWEST. KEVIN is driving, while JORDAN is in the passenger seat. She is heavily pregnant, and is smoking a cigarette and drinking from a two litre bottle of "Dinan's Extra Cheap Cider", all while holding a baby on her lap.]

N8 : DEY KILED D EGG M8S!!1! LIEK OMG!1! IT WAS SO KEWL!

Jordan : [Takes a huge drag] Killed the facking egg, eh? I hate those facking eggs, good facking job. [Suddenly glares at the party] What the fack are you looking at, you fackers? [No one answers for a moment.]

Alice : Er, what does [distastefully] fack mean?

Jordan : [Rolls her eyes] I didn't say no facking fack! I said fack, you dumb fack! [Looks at Kevin] What the fack?

Clint: [Munching on the treats Harvey snagged from Martha. To Jordan] Hey, the Bimbo [points to Alice] will change your brat's diaper if you'll pass back that bottle of cider!

Harvey : [Munching happily on a cake] I say, that's a fine and healthy looking toddler you have there, my dear. I'll no doubt wager she's the apple of your eye, eh? What a joy it must be to bring a new life into this world!

Chardonnay : [The baby] Fack off, fat boy!

Jordan : [Laughs] Yeah, she looks cute now, but she can be right little bitch sometimes. [Throws the baby the length of the carriage to Alice, giving Clint a nod] Cheers! [Holds out the bottle of cider, which has all manner of disgusting backwash floating on top]

Alice : [Catching the baby] Oh. Oh my. [Holds the kid in two hands as far away from her as possible] What on earth is that smell? [A small tear forms in Alice's eye]

Chastity : [Gives a motherly smile] That's the smell of babies, dear! [Pinches Chardonnay's cheek] Isn't she just adorable?

Alice : Hey! She just stole one of my rings!

Harvey : [Still shocked at Chardonnay, sniffs the air and grimaces] Erm, well, Alice, I believe you've had that baby long enough now, you don't want to deprive her mother of a bit of parental bonding now, do you! [Opens down his window and breathes in great gasps of air. To N8] I say fellow, where are we off to?

Clint: [Takes a hearty swig of cider and sighs happily] Now, that's a man's drink! It's got a nice, meaty bouquet. [Offers the bottle to Harvey]

Alice : Please! Someone take it!

Chastity : [Helping herself to one of Harvey's cakes] Oh, no, dear. You're doing fine! [Beams at Alice's discomfort]

Harvey : Indeed, Mister Giles, indeed. However, this old soldier finds himself wondering what on earth those eggs are.

Alice : [Still holding Chardonnay, and still holding her as far away from her as possible] I wonder if the eggs are responsible for all these crazy religions that are springing up. [To Jordan] Are you a crazy relgious cult?

Jordan : What? You facking bitch! [Starts climbing back down the carriage, clearly meaning to attack Alice]

Austin : [To Jordan] Hey, she's not serious, she's just got a strange sense of humor! [Lights up a cheesearette and blows some smoke rings in Jordan's direction] Just say something rude back to her, you get the hang of it pretty quickly.

Jordan : Fack you, you facking fag. I'm a facking lady, in't I?

Austin : [To N8] How far is it to the town? [Offers the Cheesearette to Jordan] Does the lady like cheese?

Alice : Er, thanks Monty. Any chance you can take [distastefully] this away from me? I mean, [big smile] whoa! [Totally stilted] This is so much fun! [Waves Chardonnay from side to side] Who else wants a go?

Jordan : 'course I facking do! [Takes the cheeseratte] You're alright, y'know? [Takes out her cigarette and takes a huge drag on the cheeseratte, which burns right down to the butt, before taking a similar drag of her cheeseratte, all with out taking a breath, before letting out a huge plume of smoke] Pretty good, innit?

N8 : [To Austin] ITZ ABOUT FIVE M1NUTES M8 YOUL C THE KRUCIFICEZ PRETTY S00N DEY R KEWL!1!

[Barf. CHARDONNAY pukes all over herself and ALICE.]

Austin : [Before Alice can blink, Austin produces a handy pack of handy wipes and starts passing them to Alice, grimacing as he does it, and staying as far away as possible] Must be a change to have someone else's vomit on your dress.

Alice : [With a face like thunder] It's a pleasant change from yours, alright!

Austin : [To Alice] You do tend to attract it.

Austin : [Smirking] Fine example [Snickers]

Chastity : Thank you, Mister Sleaze. Of course she could do both, wouldn't that be lovely dear?

Alice : No. [Huge emphasis] If I ever have kids, you can be sure that Daddy will supply an army of servants to look after them.

Jordan : Ooooh! La-di-dah! Daddy will supply the facking servants?

[The carriage screeches to a halt.]

Jordan : Are you facking posh? Kevin! Kevin! We've got a bunch of posh fackers in the back! [Leans over and slaps N8 hard across the head] Dumb fack!

Alice : No! We're not posh, are we? I mean, look at Clint! [Gestures at him with Chardonnay] He smells like you people, doesn't he? I mean, innit!

Austin : [Steps out of the carriage carefully. To Clint] I thought trophy wives were supposed to be ... [Glances at Alice] never mind. [To N8] Thank you for your assistance. Do you have residence in this town?

Clint: [Snorts] Nah, the bimbo's got a five-year plan to becoming a trophy wife. Saw her doodling it on a cocktail napkin a while back. Pretty good strategic planning, gotta admit.

Alice : You're clearly lying, Clint. First, when I decide to marry, it won't take five years to become a trophy wife [triumphantly] I can have any man I want, I mean, [gestures to her still puke covered self with the still puke covered Chardonnay] who's gonna turn this down? Also, cocktail napkin? I doubt you even know what a napkin is!

[Although ALICE is still pretty covered in it, AUSTIN has got a huge amount off, which is forming a large pool on the floor.]

Kevin : [Turns around menacingly] This here's a Chavenologist carriage, innit? That means it's a carriage for the Chavenologists. Now you might have killed an egg, but I don't see no Berburry on you. And that means you ain't got none!

Alice : I think you'll find it's don't have any. You put in a double negative, but don't worry, it's a common mistake for people who use the word ain't. [Thinks for a moment] Oh. That probably was a [emphasis] little posh, wasn't it? [Looks at Monty] So's the word ascribe, Monts.

Statsy : [Who has produced a vodka martini from somewhere] Darlings? Sweeties? Terribly sorry to interrupt, but could we possibly continue this discussion elsewhere? Possibly some high class wine bar? Cheers, sweeties, that would be fabulous, absolutely fabulous.

N8 : [To Austin] HOLD ON M8 U R GOING NOWHEAR [Turns angrily to Jordan and Kevin] WUT IZ RONG W1TH U!!1!LIEK! OMG!1 LETZ BRING THUM BACK + IF 1M RONG WE CAN KRUCIFY THUM

Clint: [To N8] Krucify us? I thought we be homies??

N8 : DONT U CAL ME NO FAG!1! IF U REAL CHGOTNOS U W1L B C00L IF NOT U WIL PAY

Kevin : [To the party] He means he wants us to bring you to Apraxia, to meet the man in the big hat. Now, ordinarily I'd be in favour of mugging you and stealing your stuff, but we're under strict instructions to bring back anyone who successfully destroyed an egg.

Jordan : We don't need no facking egg! The Chosen One is in Apraxia, innit?

Austin : [To Kevin] I have destroyed two of the eggs, although the first was accidental, and the second experimental. [ To N8] Please take us to you leader then.

Austin : [To Monty] How would I know? [Muses] 'The Chaven one'? or perhaps 'Dave' or 'Kyle' or something.

Kevin : [As menacingly as he can, which, given his outfit, isn't really very menacing at all] Only true Chavenologists can know the name of the Chaven one! Now back in, and we'll see just how Chave you really are.

Clint: [Snarls] Why don't we see how Chave YOU are, right here, right now?

[The CHAVENOLOGISTS all laugh at this.]

Kevin : Ha! I got [points at his hat] me ha', [gestures with his hands] me trackie and [shakes his shoulders back and forth] I got me bling. What you got other than that fat slag covered in puke?

Alice : [Still holding the now reeking Chardonnay] Was he talking about me? He better not be talking about me!

Clint: [To Kevin] Integrity. Oh, yeah, and this! [promptly attempts to punch Kevin]

Austin : [To Clint, from outside the car] Why on earth did you do that! That's assault, grevious bodily harm! You'll get nearly three months for that! [Ponders this then shrugs, moves a little further away from the carriage to avoid any fight overspill]

Harvey : I say, it's all kicking off, what! Please troop, no violence in front of the little kiddie, eh! Wouldn't want to warp it's tiny mind now, would we?

Chardonnay : [Whips out a tiny sword] Fack you, you facking fack!

[KEVIN produces a throwing dagger and fires it at CLINT, striking him, while N8 leaps on top of him, also stabbing him.]

Alice : [Pulls out her sword] Hey! Let's all calm down!

Austin : [Readies his dagger. To N8] Calm down or I shall cut your tyres! [Gets ready to slash a rear tyre]

N8: HE IZ TRYING 2 HURT THE CHAVMOB1LE!1!

[The CHAVS all back off.]

Kevin : Okay, you bastards. Get out of our carriage and we'll be on our way.

Clint: [Sword at the ready] How about you let us borrow it, instead?

Alice : [Leans over to Clint] Forget that! Let's just steal it, it'll be a real pain having to bring it back.

Kevin : [Shouts angrily] You're nothing but a thieving bastard! [Dead calm] Guess you're a Chavenologist after all. [Starts up the horses] Come on, let's go.

Clint: [Attempts to drag Kevin out of the carriage] Hey, I wasn't finished talking to you, punk!

Kevin : What the hell is wrong with you?

[CLINT grabs KEVIN, but will need help to get him out.]

Alice : Come on, Stinky! What's wrong with you?

[CHASTITY gives a cough.]

Alice : [To Chastity] What?

Chastity : Nothing dear, but really, you should think twice about calling anyone else stinky.

Clint: [Irritated] What, you people want to hoof it to Apraxia??

Alice : Oh for fack's sake! He was going to bring us there, weren't you?

Kevin : [Still struggling with Clint] Yes!

Harvey : [To Clint] Stand down private! The man is already bringing us there in his most unusual conveyance, eh! Fackt!

Clint: [Releases Kevin] Damn right he is! Let's get moving!

Kevin : Hey! There's no need to be so rough!

[The carriage carries on, and a town comes into view. However, it is clear that the road into it is lined with crucifixes, like in "Spartacus".]

Kevin : Ah! I love the smell of sinner in the morning.

Harvey : [Looks out the window in shock] By the saints, troop, this place is horrendous! [To Kevin] Why are all of these people cruxified?

Harvey : Well, I for one certainly think that painting go faster stripes on the crosses is going a tad too far, eh! But killing them just for not following your beliefs? That's a drastic move. Who's in charge here?

Kevin : [Shrugs] 'cause they ain't Chavs! It's a slow process though.

Austin : [Subtley sarcastically to Harvey] Probably Chelvis Praiseley the singer or Davey Checkam the football [Distatesfully] 'Hero'.

Kevin : Davey Checkham, aw, what a man!

Jordan : And his wife? Pictorial? A facking lady, pure facking lady.

Kevin : Naw, our leader is Caiphas.

Jordan : Saint Gary? What died while killing those facking Horseman?

Jordan : Patron saint of bling, innit?

[As the carriage continues towards the town, it is clear that the crucifixes extend all the way to the gates, although it seems that those on them are dead.]

Alice : So, er, despite it being slow, you seem to be getting through a lot of them, aren't you?

N8 : IT IZ 2 SLOW 1NNIT?!?1?!? ONLY A FEW D00DZ NO HOW 2 DO IT

Clint: [To N8] Who are the dudes who know how to do that? [points at the crucified bodies]

Axel : Oooh! That sounds very exciting!

Tyler : [To Austin] Is that a fact? You don't sound like no chav I've ever met! [Glares in at the rest of the party, and spots Alice, who has just taken the cheeseratte from Austin] Pregnant girl covered in puke and smoking a cheeseratte? [Big smile] My mistake mate! Sorry about that, Devon. [Slaps Kevin on the back]

Kevin : [Who's nose appears to be broken, and who's holding his nose, but can't stop the blood pouring down] Danks, but dits Devin.

Tyler : That's what I said, wasn't it? [Addressing the party] Where's your Berburry?

Clint: [Stands next to Austin] Right, we're the, uh, Egginators. Ologists. Egginatorologists. [makes obscure gang sing and nods confidently at Austin]

Alice : We're the Eggsterminators!

Chastity : The Eggstreme Eggsterminators!

Tyler : [Unimpressed at all this weak punnery] I said, where's your Berburry?

Clint: [To Tyler] Underneath. We're a secret society, so we gotta keep it hidden, know what I mean?

Tyler : Let me see.

Clint: [Snorts] Yeah, right! Do I [huge emphasis] look like I'm gay??

Tyler : I haven't a clue. I'm not used to dealing with fags. [Grabs Kevin] Devon? Does he look like he's gay?

Kevin : Di don't dnow!

Tyler : [Pushes Kevin away and addresses Clint] I don't care if you're gay or not. If you don't show us your Berburry, you'd better have a pretty good reason for coming to town, otherwise you're going to find yourselves nailed to across.

Alice : All of us to one? Or one each?

Tyler : Probably all of you to one, you know what the executioners are like.

[All the CHAVENLOGISTS laugh heartily.]

Austin : [To Tyler] We dont have any burberry because we had to disgard it to trick the Weavenologists into thinking that we were on their side, so as we could destroy their egg. Likewise if we sounded like Chavs the Weavenologists and Shavenologists would not have allowed us so close to their eggs. [Offers Tyler one of the last remaining revs] Have you tried one of these? [The CHAVENOLOGISTS all exchange puzzled looks.]

Tyler : [Clearly not understanding Harvey] What?

Axel : Oh dear. [Wrings his hands] Oh dear. I think our over worked executioners will have even more work to do.

Harvey : Damn it troop, I think I might have been rumbled! [To Tyler] So, are you going to leave us in or not? Surely you have shops inside that sell these burberries, so I'm sure we can replenish our garments!

Clint: [To Axel] Sure, no problem! Say, what's this Project X I've been hearing so much about? We want to be able to quash any false rumors we hear about it on our travels!

Axel : Aw, thanks! Project X? Well -

Tyler : [Shakes the Chavmobile again] Shut the hell up!

Harvey : [Rocking back and forth] I say, would you stop all that shaking, there's a baby on board, what! [To Axel] Right then, I think we'll be on our way! And return suitably attired!

Axel : [Smiles warmly] Good, good.

Tyler : No way! I've had enough. [Steps up to the gate and bangs it, before turning back to the party] It'll be easier for you if you surrender. [Cracks his knuckles] Personally, I don't think you should.

Jordan : [Points angrily at Monty] Hey! He's facking coming onto me, he is!

Kevin : [Still holding his nose, and with tears streaming from his eyes] Ou vucker!

Axel : [Squirming uncomfortably] I'm afraid that doesn't matter, you see, all non Chavenologists that have come anywhere near here have been lined up for execution, that's why we're waiting for the new executioners to come, so that they can whip up a bit more enthusiasm for the project, so, you see why you have to be killed? [Gives a smile] Thanks for being so good about this. [Earnestly] Don't feel bad about it, it's nothing personal. Why, I bet even the new executioners will find it difficult to get in, what with them not yet being Chavenologists and all.

Austin : [To N8] So where is the nearest Berburry shop? [Sighs in recognition of the fact that he might just have to wear burberry]

N8 : NSIDE DE G8S

Tyler : [Takes out his sword and hacks at one of the wheels, calling back to the gates] Come on out, guys!

[The gates open, and about thirty armed men come running out, all dressed just like TYLER.]

Alice : [Holding a hand over her eyes to stop herself from being blinded by the glare from all the jewelry] Hey! Maybe we're the torturers? Maybe we're the expert torturers you've been waiting for? Maybe we're the greatest torturers ever?

N8 : DONT U MEAN EXECUSHUNURS

Alice : Huh? Oh yeah, maybe [dramatically] we're the executioners!

Austin : [To Monty] No, no we've done cabaret before, I am sure you can drive people to suicide in some far more novel manner.

Clint: [To Austin] Hell, I take a long, hard look at the option everytime the egghead opens his mouth!

Tyler : Wait a minute, [emphasis] you're the new Execution Teachers?

Clint: [To Tyler] Well, obviously! We got the Lawyer the Egg Slayer here [points at Austin] and that skanky gal there [nod to Alice] has a PhD--in Pain!

Austin : [To Tyler] I have executed the Weavenologist's and the Shavenologist's eggs already. Does the Chaven one know the where abouts of any more eggs?

Alice : [Nods in agreement with Clint's words] That's right! And Stinky's got a Batchelors in Beatology. [Laughs at her cleverness.] [Everyone gives ALICE a blank look.]

Alice : Beatology? Beating people up? Clever word play?

Jordan : I 'ates that facking skank.

Tyler : [Pulls Kevin out of the Chavmobile and throws him to the ground, quickly slipping in] Excellent! [Starts driving in London cabbie style, blowing the horn at people, hurtling down pavements etc, all while turned around talking to the party] Not sure about no eggs, mate, but once you've addressed the crowd I'm sure Caiphas will clue you in.

Harvey : Whip the crowd into shape, you mean? Tell them they all have a cross to bear. That kind of thing? [The Chavmobile screeches to a halt in the middle of a town square, where there are literally hundreds of CHAVENOLOGISTS, who look distinctly angry.]

Tyler : Naw, more like whip them up into a frenzy of killing. It'll be a pretty sweet deal for you if you do, because Caiphas has promised to turn over control of all the executions to you lot if you can. Now go on, you crazy kids, go and get them.

Jordan : Hey! Wait a facking minute! Where's my facking Kevin gone? [Leans to one side and farts] He's my facking husband, innit?

Tyler : [Looks Jordan up and down] Man, you're one classy slag.

Jordan : [Goes all coy] Aw, fack off.

Harvey : [Apalled] By the saints! [To Tyler] Right then, off we go a whipping and a frenzying! All out, troop!

[The party all burst out of the carriage, but into an ugly, ugly crowd.]

Alice : This is awful!

Chastity : Now, now, child, you've faced danger before, and probably with vomit down your front before.

Alice : It's not that, [gestures to the sea of Berburry and cheap gold jewelry] I think I'm going to be sick! Someone had better look after Austin!

[Enter CAIPHAS, who holds up his hands to quieten the crowd.]

Caiphas : These are no Executionologists!

[The crowds go crazy, baying for blood.]

Clint: [To Caiphas] Oh, yeah? How do YOU know we're not??

Austin : [Goes quite place at the sight of all the berburry. Looks away in shock only to see more Berburry] The end is nigh! [Thinks quickly. Shouts] Free Tabs and lager at Caiphas's place! [Hides behind Chastity's ample figure]

Chastity : [Tuts in annoyance] Oh do behave yourself, Mister Sleaze!

Caiphas : [Addressing the crowd, who are hanging on his every word] These people are not Chavenologists! These people [laughs] aren't even Weavenologists. Kill them.

Alice : [To the party] What we need is a brilliant idea - oh! I've got a better idea! This can't fail!

Clint: [To Alice, with a shudder of dread] What's your plan, bimbo?

Clint: [Shrieks musically] All right! [plays air guitar wildly]

Alice : We talk to these people in a language they can understand!

Chastity : [Rolls her eyes] Perhaps [emphasis] you could speak in a language [emphasis] we could understand!

Alice : [Sigh] No! Look at them! We speak to them through the language of the Lowest Common Denominator - Manufactured Pop Music!

Alice : [Shakes her head] No, no, no! No air guitars! [Takes it off Clint and gives it to Chastity] We're talking one hundred percent manufactured here, Stinky! The kind that surly pre-teen girls listen to when they're mooning over some androgenous boyband.

Chastity : [Squashes up the air guitar and pops it in her mouth] And where can we get some of this music?

Alice : I've got - I mean, I was afraid something like this might happen, so I er, picked up a tape of some. [Takes a tape out of her walkman and gives it to Tyler] Tyler, stick that on and announce us. [To the party] Just follow my lead. [TYLER sticks the tape in the carriage stereo and turns it up full, so the music is pounding out, as the party bound onto the stage, all magically wearing shiny sparkly outfits and with their perkiest of perky faces on.]

Tyler : And now ladies and gentlemen, it is the distinct pleasure of the management to present to you, the evening's star attraction. Here they are back after their exclusive three year tour of the Interior, the North and the outer dimensions. Won't you welcome from Queens View, the show band of a party the whole country is talking about ... the Executionologists!

Alice : [Hair up in pigtails, looking like a children's TV presenter] Everybody's doin' a brand new thing now

Party : [Each holding a hammer in one and nails in the other, and beaming manically] C'mon baby do the crucifixion

Alice : I know you'll get to like it
If you give it a chance now

Party : C'mon baby do the crucifixion

Alice : My little baby sister can do it with cheese
It's all about nailing the sinners to trees
So come on, come on,
Do the crucifixion with me

[The party take up positions at the front of the stage, and copy ALICE's actions]
>

Alice : You gotta drive your nails down [makes a hammering motion]
Come on baby, a-ccuse, [points at the audience and gives them her angry look]
a-ttack [takes a jump forward] [Gives a shrug at the party]
Oh well I think you got the knack

[The party form a train and dance off the stage and into the town square, where there are about twenty people up on crosses, and a large mob of people, waiting expectantly.]

Alice : Now that you can do it
Let's cause some pain now

Men on crosses : C'mon baby do the crucifixion

Alice : [Gestures to the mob to join in] Chug-a chug-a motion like an angry mob now

[The mob all join the train.]

Mob : C'mon baby do the crucifixion

Alice : Do it nice and crazy now let's lose control

[Members of the mob break off from the train and start to set fire to houses and indiscriminately arresting people.]

Alice : A little bit of pain will cleanse the soul
So come on, come on,
Do the crucifixion with me [Holds her arms out in crucifixion style]

[ALICE turns around and falls back onto a crucifix held by the party, who proceed to nail her to it as she sings the occasional "The crucifixion", before pushing it up high.]

Alice : [Leaping off the cross uninjured, with the party and mob coming up behind her] Move around the town do the crucifixion

Mob/Party : C'mon baby do the crucifixion

Alice : [Points to a group of men suspended by handcuffs] Hang them by the hands if you get the notion Handcuffed Men : C'mon baby do the crucifixion

Alice : There's never been a death that's so easy to do
It even makes them happy [produces a thick bullwhip from somewhere]
When they're feeling blue [cracks the whip across two of the crucified men, both of whom smile broadly as she gives a crazy smile]
So come on come on do the crucifixion with me

[The mob carry on torching houses and terrorising civilians.]

Alice : You gotta cleanse some souls now
Come on baby, a-ccuse, hmmm a-ttack [Dusts off her hands]
Oh well I think you got the knack

[The music stops, and the mob burst into thunderous applause, with even those on the crosses trying, but failing to clap. Enter CAIPHAS, tape in hand.]

Alice : [Panting and seriously out of breath] What did you think?

Caiphas : I think that's probably the most offensive and blasphemous thing I've ever heard.

Alice : Alright! We're number one! We're number one!

Clint: [To Caiphas, hopefully] Catchy, though, right?

Austin : [Sighing in dismay at his sparkly outfit. To Caiphas] Do you know the whereabouts of any eggs?

Harvey : Blasphemy, Schwasphemy! It's a masterpiece, what! A sure fire hit! They'll be singing it on every cross from here to eternity!

Caiphas : [Thundering] No! It is terrible! [Virtually all the CHAVENOLOGISTS are singing merrily about Doing The Crucifixion]

Caiphas : Terrible, I say!

Jordan : [To the party] Facking brilliant!

Harvey : [Bows to Jordan] Why thank you madam! I'm sure you can all blast it from your carriages with the bass turned right up outside every eatery in this town!

Clint: [Checking the audience for hot chicks] Hey, ladies, I'm the only straight male in the group who can still get it u-- [glances at Harvey], uh.

Harvey : [Glances suspiciously at Clint] Yes, do go on, private?

Austin : [To Clint] If you can't get it here Mr. Scar you might as well become a nun.

Clint: [Laughs nervously] Er, what I meant to say was [addressing the audience] Ladies, I'm the only straight male who can get your underwear! Anyone who throws me a pair of panties will get a kiss. And maybe more! [wiggles his eyebrows suggestively]

Austin : [Looking quisically at Clint] Cross dressing again Mr. Scar! Perhaps you should buy your own panties for a change.

Clint: [To Austin, with pity] I know you have no experience with this kind of thing, so allow me to explain. When a man [gestures to himself] and a woman [points at a nearby floozy] love each other VERY much, sometimes they get naked and screw in the backseat of the Chavmobile. [Catches the attention of the nearby floozy and nods invitingly to Chavmobile]

Caiphas : [Barely audible above the crowd] Unacceptable! Unacceptable! [A huge pair of white knickers flies out of the audience and lands on CLINT's head. It looks like they were thrown by PICKI VOLLARD.]

Picki : Yoo hoo!

Tyler : Alright, alright! Everyone back up! [Gives Picki a wink] 'cept you my love, he's all yours. [Juts his thumb at Clint and addresses the party] C'mon mates, let's get away from these mingers.*

Austin : [To Clint, glancing from Clint to Picki. To Clint] You are dammed right I have no experience with THAT kind of thing, and glad I am too! [Nods to Tyler] Lead the way.

Tyler : Sure thing, mate!

[Much to the floozy's dismay, PICKI, who was standing beside her pushes to the front and coyly flutters her not inconsiderable fake eyelashes at him.]

Picki : [To Clint] My mate, Jan, she fancies you something rotten, and she asked Susie if she'd ask Sarah to ask me if you wanted to out with her, like, but like, I told Susie that Jan should have asked me herself insted of getting Sarah to do it and then Susie said I shouldn't be talking to her, but that I should be talking to Sarah, but I don't like talking to that old bitch since she told everyone that all the chocolate ice cream on my face and shirt was poo.

Tyler : Sure thing, mate!

[Much to the floozy's dismay, PICKI, who was standing beside her pushes to the front and coyly flutters her not inconsiderable fake eyelashes at him.]

Picki : [To Clint] My mate, Jan, she fancies you something rotten, and she asked Susie if she'd ask Sarah to ask me if you wanted to out with her, like, but like, I told Susie that Jan should have asked me herself insted of getting Sarah to do it and then Susie said I shouldn't be talking to her, but that I should be talking to Sarah, but I don't like talking to that old bitch since she told everyone that all the chocolate ice cream on my face and shirt was poo.

Clint: [To Picki] Uh huh, great story. Gotta run, babe. [Blows Picki a kiss and eagerly joins Tyler]

Picki : [Clinging to Clint] Yes, but, no, but, you see, that slag Janie says that she's trying to get pregnant because her sister's friend's cousin's boyfriend knows a girl who had six babies when she was fourteen and, even though her family ate one and her grandfather sat on another she never had to work again because of the dole. [The party reach a building, the door of which TYLER opens and holds for them, but he blocks PICKI.]

Picki : Hey! What gives? The father of my baby's in there! [TYLER says nothing, but points to a sign on the wall that says "No Mingers", causing PICKI to turn away sadly, and walk off with her shoulders slumped as she struggles not to cry.]

Tyler : Hey! Yeah, hey you! I'm talking to you! [PICKI turns around with a look of delight.]

Tyler : Did you say the father of your baby is in there?

Picki : [Nods and beams] Yes!

Tyler : That's what I thought you said. [Slams the door] [Book IV, Act IX, Scene VI. A Swanky Hotel Room. ALICE, AUSTIN, CHASTITY, CLINT, HARVEY, MONTY, TYLER and MONTY are here. The party has been brough to a suite, which is decorated in the most awful over the top manner.]

Tyler : Isn't it great? Look, there's a balcony! [Goes out onto the balcony, and glances back at the party] Hey, I bet I can hit that other building across the street with my pee.

Axel : [Genuinely] Wow! I'm really, really, really glad this has all worked out. We've got the greatest meal [huge emphasis] ever for you here! [Does a little pose beside a table that is covered in a huge sheet] Ta da!

Alice : Let me guess, steaks, chops, a soused pigs head, complete with apple, golden honeyed locusts, jellied eels, thrushes ankles, snakes feet, crispy popadoms and curried brussel sprouts?

Axel : [Deflated] Uh, no. Peas and chips. [Takes the sheet off to reveal huge plates of peas and chips, and looks disappointed before brightening up again] We've got brown sauce, too!

Harvey : By the saints, what a repast! [Digs in with gusto, sending peas everywhere] I do believe [between mouthfuls] that Ciaphas is not best pleased with us!

Tyler : I should say, mate! Some of the lads were saying he's got it in for you lot. He was pretty pissed off.

Alice : [Glances down at her shoulder and nonchalantly flicks a pea off] That's showbiz, I guess.

Harvey : Well, he certainly seemed a little off with us after our musical extravaganza! I wonder if we should move to a quieter and perhaps less well known location? And you sir, you mentioned something about Project X, did you not?

Austin : [Has a nibble at a few chips. To Tyler, egging him on] Project X sounds really cool!

Tyler : Oh yeah! It's fantastic mate! [Scoops up a handful of a paste made of mushy peas and soggy ships, wolfing them down and speaking with his mouthful] It's all down to King Chav, really. We were totally directionless when we had the egg, just like those damned Shavenologists and Weavenologists - and don't get me started on the Braidologists. [Suddenly pulls a really aggressive look at the party]

Alice : [After a short silence] Er, okay.

Tyler : [Big smile] Thanks!

Austin : [To Tyler, nibbling a chip] So King Chav must be like, really smart, to think of project X! Can we help with project X?

Tyler : [Puts his hand on Austin's shoulder] It's alright mate, I know it's probably a bit overwhelming. [There's a knock on the door. Enter AXEL.]

Axel : Hi. Hi Everyone. Hi Tyler. I'm sorry Tyler, but could I have a word with you outside?

Tyler : Sure, but don't keep me long. I wanna get back to these crazies as fast as possible! [Does a few pretend boxing moves on Austin] Ha! I'll be back with my Stanley knife, mate! [Exit AXEL and TYLER.]

Chastity : [Turns to Alice] Executionologists? Another fine mess you've got us into, young lady!

Chastity : Possibly, Mr. Giles, but it doesn't mean we have to like it.

Alice : [Steps into one of the bedrooms and starts getting changed, calling out to the others as she does] Well, what happens next? I'm not even sure what we're doing here.

Chastity : We came to Apraxia to find some sort of authority figure, remember? To see what is going on since the peace accord has been signed. [Picks up a chips and dips it in some ketchup, before pointing at the party with it] We need to get to the bottom of these eggs.

Austin : [To Monty, distantly] Out of Chaos arises order [Glances back at the berburry scarf and grimaces] I hope.

Alice : [Coming back in, baby bits removed] So, what's the plan for when we meet this Chav King? It sounds like he's a big fan, maybe we can get him to explain what's going on. [Pause] I mean, we were only joking about the Executionologist thing, right?

Austin : [Distastefully. To Alice] We? It was you that volunteered, so you get the job. I just do eggs, and only one a day. [Huffs over to the window and takes a look out]

Alice : [Folds her arms] That's right, Monts, it's the perfect job for him. But guess who the first victim will be in my new role has chiefologist executionologist?

Alice : Yeah, I suppose the regulations wouldn't allow that. [Thinks for a moment] Hey! Regulations? I don't care about no facking regulations! We're Executionologists, innit? [Grabs the scarf from Austin and wraps it around her neck] Chaver than 'oop earings, innit? [Sniff sniff] Ew! [Takes off the scarf] Where did you get this from?

Clint: [Snatches the scarf from Alice and takes a whiff] Thought it looked familiar. I found those rolos you won off of me stuck to this.

Alice : [Gives a shiver] You're welcome to it!

Harvey : [Sucking peas and chips off his fingers with loud delight] Well troop, I think we better discuss what we'll be saying to that king, what?

[Enter TYLER, with a serious face on him.]

Tyler : I'm afraid we'll be needing those chips and peas back.

Clint: [To Tyler] Want us to puke 'em back up, or you wanna wait a while and let us crap 'em out?

Tyler : [Cracks his knuckles] It's okay, we're gonna beat the crap out of you anyway.

[There are a lot of CHAVENOLOGISTS behind TYLER, at least twenty or so.]

Tyler : We've been ordered to take you to the dungeon.

Clint: [Baffled] Ordered by who?!

Tyler : By the King!

Austin : [Relieved that he is no longer holding a berburry scarf, draws his dagger, ready to destroy burberry. To Monty] You'll probably see him laughing as they nail you to a cross. You can cowtow and get his autograph then if you like.

Clint: [To Monty] We're not going to any damn dungeon! [pulls out sword]

Austin : [To Monty] I'm sure they'll make an exception for you.

Alice : [Watching the exchange between Austin and Monty] Honestly, Austin! Did you even [emphasis] listen to the song?

Tyler : [With a smile] Oh good. They're going to resist.

[Steps to one side to let some of the CHAVENOLOGISTS in, the party are clearly heavily outnumbered.]

Tyler : [To the party] I never liked you anyway. [Points at Austin] Especially you!

Clint: [To Tyler] Look, you may have us slightly outnumbered, but you're still gonna lose a lot of people here if you insist on taking us to the clink. Take us to the king. Don't you think he'd wanna know about how the lawyer iced two of the eggs? It's a great story! [nods at Austin encouragingly]

Austin : [To Tyler] The feeling is quite mutual. You people have the worst taste in clothing I have ever encountered! [Ponders] Well nearly. [Swishes his dagger once]

Axel : [Timidly] Excuse me - sorry to interrupt. Look, it really would be best if you just surrendered. Otherwise you'll be hurt, some of us will be hurt, there'll be blood on the chips. [Shakes his head sadly] A disaster.

Austin : [Quickly whips out a bottle spray of aftershave in his other hand and points it at the chips. To Axel and co] Back off all off you or the chips and peas get it!

Axel : [Getting a little hysterical] Don't hurt the peas!

Tyler : [Whips out his penis and urinates on the chips and peas from a startling distance back] Drop your swords, or we're gonna take you down.

Clint: [Snorts derisively] What, with [huge incredulous emphasis] that thing [points at Tyler's penis]???

Tyler : You wish, gay boy!

Axel : [Takes a quick look at Tyler's penis and gives a sad sigh] If only there was something I could about it.

Alice : [Looks at the other party members] Ew! Are we really going to try and fight our way out of here? We are seriously outnumbered.

Clint: [To Alice, brandishing his sword] Hell, yeah, we're gonna fight! I'm not getting locked up again!

Harvey : Damned right sir! Pee on the peas? Outrageous, outrageous I say! A man's peas are his castle!

Alice : [Glancing down at the table where a small fort made out o-f mushy peas has had it's main wall breached by a gush of some liquid] Oh-kay. [Takes out her sword]

Tyler : [Puts away his sword and takes out a club] Okay guys, try not to kill them, but [points at Austin with his club] make sure that one stays alive.

Clint: [Rushes at Tyler with his sword, trying to disarm and disable him, not kill him] This one's for the Colonel!

[To TYLER's surprise, CLINT grabs him, and, although he doesn't disarm him, does succeed in getting his sword to his throat. The CHAVENOLOGISTS in the hallway move in, but no one attacks.]

Axel : [Wailing] Oh no!

Alice : [Holding her sword up threateningly] For Fort Kingston Short!

Tyler : Help! The gay one's got me!

Clint: [To Tyler] Take us to the King!

Tyler : Er, sure! He's down in the dungeon.

[The other CHAVENOLOGISTS start to edge forward.]

Harvey : By the saints! Stay back you curs! You'll regret the day Fort Kingston Short was destroyed by that golden river of death!

Clint: [To Tyler] Good to know. [To the Chavenologists] You people clear a path and let us out, and I'll slit this guy's throat for you.

Axel : Er, actually, um, sorry.

Chastity : [Impatiently] Yes, yes? What is it?

Axel : I don't mean to interfere or anything, but it seems to me that if we attack you now, not only will Tyler get his throat cut, but I'll be responsible for leading the team that captured you - the king will be ever so happy with me. He might even make that funny little squeaking noise he does sometimes.

Tyler : You back stabbing bastard! [To Clint] I thought him everything he knows, it makes me kinda proud.

Austin : [To Axel] Do you always suck up to the king like this?

Tyler : Not just to the king, anyone with any kind of authority!

Austin : [To Tyler] If you had any idea of what authority was you'd be sucking up to the guys who have been to hell and back several times and had dinner with Phili! [Adds] That's us by the way!

Harvey : And he most certainly wouldn't have breached my castles defences with that ruinous flood! [To Axel] You there, why does your king want to see us in the dungeon? A private viewing of our act, perhaps?

Axel : Uh, sure! Why not?

Harvey : Why not? Why not? Because we sir, are artistes of the highest calibre, and only perform once a day. We need our rest on the softest downy beds, our stomachs filled to bursting with the finest delicases known to man! Our garments cleaned and darned and our pockets clanking with largess! That sir, is why not!

Clint: [Impatiently, to Harvey] Right. So, am I slitting this guy's throat or what?

Harvey : Why not just cuff him across the ear, or perhaps slice off the brim of that ridiculous hat!

Alice : Well, you're clearly not slitting his throat, Stinky, there's no blood around. Hey, if you cut a Chavenologist, do they bleed Berburry?

Axel : Charge!

[The CHAVENOLOGISTS make their move, spreading out throughout the room, with three heading towards CLINT and TYLER.]

Harvey : [Takes out his sword and moves over to Clint, and will attack the Chavenologist on the right]

Clint: [Attempts to disable Tyler's sword arm]

Austin : [Goes to help Harvey fight, carefull avoiding being in the direct line of fire] Kill them all!

Axel : Chaaarge! [Takes two steps back as the Chavenologists advance, and sniggers to himself] Out of the line of fire, well done, Axel!

[TYLER tries to break free from CLINT, but his arm is lopped off in the struggle and sent flying. In the meantime three CHAVENOLOGISTS advance, swinging their clubs.]

Clint.Chav1 : For the glory of the King! [Cracks Clint over the head, knocking him unconscious]

[CLINT.CHAV2 misses, almost hitting CLINT.CHAV3 who manages to hit himself in the face. Another one advances on CHASTITY.]

Chastity : For the fort! [Hammers her Chavenologist with her mace, knocking him against a wall, unconscious]

Alice : Stinky! [Stabs Clint.Chav3, killing him]

[AUSTIN throws a dagger at and hits HARV.CHAV1, causing him to stagger, but not fall. Meanwhile MONTY is attacked by two nearby CHAVENOLOGISTS.]

Mont.Chav1 : Ow! Hey! [Looks down at his wound] Hey! That really hurt! [Gets a little tearful, and steps back, clearly badly hurt]

Axel : [To the Chavenologists outside the door] Quickly! They're tougher than they look! [Folds his arms smugly] Just as well you stayed back here, Axel.

[Bam. AXEL gets punched in the face by a stray flying hand.]

Axel : Ow! [Leaps into a boxing position, scanning for enemies]

Austin : [Readies his sling shot and shoots at the nearest Chav] I'll have you all arrested! Assault! Kidnapping! Wearing greivously offensive clothing!

Chastity: [Pounds on nearest Chav with her mace. To Austin] To say nothing of their inexcusable language and appalling table manners! [glances at Fort Kingston Short and shudders] [CHASTITY advances on the CHAVENOLOGISTS near CLINT as more pour into the room.]

Alice : [Sees each of Chastity and her two opponents trading blows] Yay, Chas! Go for the clothing, that's what hurts them most! [Each of ALICE and her two opponents miss each other.]

Harvey : [Runs one of the Chavenologists through, just as he hits him] Ha! The Kingston Short skull is tougher than that!

[AUSTIN fires twice at HARV.CHAV2, but misses both times, while MONTY severely wounds one of his opponents. Meanwhile, two CHAVENOLOGISTS are advancing on AUSTIN and will be able to attack next round.]

Tyler : [To the last remaining Chavenologists outside] Come on! For the glory of the king!

Austin : [Backs off and draws a dagger. To Tyler] Coward! I shall tell you king of your cowardice!

Chastity: [To Alice] Thank you, dear! [Notices Alice's failure to connect with her opponents and adds helpfully] Perhaps if your posture were better, your swing would be more accurate. [stands up very straight to set a good example for Alice and continues pounding away with her mace]

Harvey : Ha, that's the way of it troop, show the blighters what a real fight is all about! [Attacks Harvey.Chav1]

Tyler : [To Austin] Come over here and say that, you bastard!

[Even more CHAVENOLOGISTS pour in, so there is now just one left out in the hallway, who's just whistling nonchalantly as though he's unaware of the carnage within.]

Alice : [Missing her nearest opponent] Gah! Still haven't got that posture right! [Glances over to see Chastity kill one of her opponents, but take two blows in return] Wow! That's a pretty hard head you've got there, Chas.

[Bang. ALICE gets smacked over the head, but not knocked out.]

Alice : Ow! [Rubs her head, and repeats indignantly] Ow! [None of HARVEY and his opponents hit each other, but MONTY knocks out one of the CHAVENOLOGISTS, only to be struck by both his opponents and knocked out. AUSTIN swings at one but misses, and receives a blow in return.]

Axel : [On seeing Monty fall] Oh excellent! [Applauds a little] Keep at it, and make sure you get that mean one at the back.

Harvey : Damn and blast these berburry garments, fair overwhelm the eye when trying to hit a target! [Notices Monty] Man down! [Attacks Harvey.Chav1]

Chastity: [To Harvey, seeing Monty fall] Perhaps we should reconsider our current strategy while some of us are still standing?? [attacks Chas.Chav2 again, with nunlike ferocity]

Austin : [Now really flustered] Vile Berburry! Offensive to humanity! [Stabs swashbucklingly at the closest Chavs]

[The seemingly never ending sea of Berburry continues to advance.]

Axel : [To Chastity] Sounds like good advice! [CHASTITY kills another CHAVENOLOGIST, but not before he knocks her out.]

Alice : Good idea, Chas, before we all - [notices Chastity is knocked out] Oh. [Bang, gets hit by Alice.Chav1] Ow! That's really starting to hurt! [HARVEY is knocked to the ground by his CHAVENOLOGISTS, and doesn't inflict any damage.] [AUSTIN inflicts a grievous wound on AUS.CHAV1, but is also knocked to the ground.]

Alice : [Calls over to the others] You know, I think this might be a good time to consider surrendering!

[No answer.]

Alice : [Looks around] Oh.

Alice : Harvey! No, no need to worry about that - he did want to cut off Stinky's hand, but I persuaded them that he'd need both if he's to be crucified properly.

Austin : [Coughs and splutters awake, slashing wildly with an empty hand] Die berburry fiends! [Realises that he's been unconcious, stands straight and sorts his clothes out, drying himself off and frowning as he spots Alice with an empty bucket. To Alice] Really! I carry smelling salts at al times to avoid this sort of thing! [Dries himself more]

Alice : [Sighs] Yes, Austin, I know you do, but I also felt you were in need of a wash.

Clint: [Opens his eyes and slowly looks around the room, assessing the situation] Aw, hell! Did I die AGAIN??

Axel : [From outside] Not yet!

Harvey : [Tries to stand up] By the saints dear niece, are you all right? Did they hurt you after I was bopped on the head? [Sees Chastity and goes to check if she's alright]

Alice : I'm fine, although there was a [dirty look at the door] lot of groping [back to the party] when we were brought down here.

[No one says anything outside the door, but there is some sniggering. HARVEY checks CHASTITY who seems to be out cold.]

Alice : What a pity we don't have any smelling salts.

Clint: [Takes off his left boot and waves it near Chastity's face] Worth a shot!

Austin : [Gets out his aftershave and wafts it under Chastity's nose. To Alice] If that's what you call a wash it's little wonder why you smell so bad.

Alice : As long as it wipes some of that awful smirk off your face, Austin, I think it qualifies as a wash.

[CHASTITY slowly starts to regain consciousness, first with a jerk from CLINT's boot, and then more slowly as the aftershave has a slight numbing effect on the stench.]

Alice : [Pushing back into a corner] Clint! Confined space! Poor ventilation!

Austin : [To Alice, fakely] Oh that's Clint smelling of course [Sprays a little aftershave into the air] I thought it was you, for a moment.

Alice : Gee, Austin, I'm sure glad I helped you recover before Chas and Monty. I mean, they'd probably only have thanked me or something!

Clint: [To Alice and Austin] Calm down, ladies. We got bigger problems here than figuring out which of you two is the bigger bitch. [waves his boot near Monty's face]

Alice : Given that we're in prison, Stinky, I doubt there's very much more important than finding out who the bitch is going to be!

[MONTY stirs, while CHASTITY begins to get up.]

Chastity : Oh my, I dreamt I was drowning in a sewer.

Clint: [Through the opening in the door] All right, what now??

Alice : [With a hint of hysteria] Only Clint? For the love of Phili, Monty, he's got his shoe off! Look! You can almost see the smell!

Caiphas : [Staying outside] Give us a moment Axel. [Pause] Actually, I just came to gloat. You ruined my plans once, and you nearly did it a second time - what are you? Hierophantic Knights, I suppose.

Austin : [Indignantly to Caiphas] We are The Hierophantic Knights, on a mission from Phili to save the world [Checks his nails and looks really smug] What evil plan do you have now, Caiphas? Appart from spreading and encouraging the wearing of the disgusting berburry pattern?

Harvey : Indeed so, well said! Ha! [Looks at Alice] Eh? Didn't understand a word of that! [Turns to the door] I say you brigand, what do you hope to do with us?

Caiphas : Hierophantic Knights, eh? I thought as much. Well, I'm afraid I'm going to have to kill you - we can't really have people who are immune to the Eggs causing trouble now, can we? And my plans? I plan to usher in a new golden era of religion.

Clint: [To Caiphas] Yeah, I can understand why you'd have to kill anyone capable of free will, then.

Chastity : Mister Scar! For shame!

Caiphas : [Smiles] Yes, yes. Opposing cults [emphasis] at the moment. [Goes serious] You are scum, all of you, but especially you. [Points at someone, although it isn't clear who he's pointing at] Would it really have been so hard to be Gary's girlfriend? My God, all the boy wanted was too lose his virginity? You apparently hand out sexual favours to everyone you meet, but not Gary, oh no!

[A brief spell of time passes.]

Alice : [Whispers to the party] Who's he talking to?

Harvey : [Confused] Axel, perhaps. [To Caiphas] Who on earth is Gary?

Austin : [To Harvey] I think that's probably his boy lover, you know what people say about these lonely old priests. [To Caiphas] So you'll let us go if someone has sexual intercourse with someone called Gary? Is that the deal?

Alice : [Exasperated with Harvey and Austin] Gary his son!

Caiphas : You scum! You deserve to die! [Slams the window shut]

Austin : [Sniggering. To the party] He is sooo easy to wind up. [Examines the door for a keyhole or weakness. To Clint] You may have to break this door down, I'm not sure how much longer we can take the parfum de Scar.

Alice : [Frustrated] Tut! Now not only is he going to crucify us, he's also annoyed with us! [Looks at the door] Stinky's big shoulder notwithstanding, I don't think that door's going to open anytime soon.

[In lightening quick time, the door slides open, PICKI VOLLARD is pushed in, and it shuts again.]

Picki : [Holding a plate with some crumbs on it] Clint! Yoohoo! I came to help break you out! I'm pretending to be a visitor!

Picki : [Beams proudly] You see, I've baked a cake with a file in it!

Clint: [Favors Picki with a big cheesy smile] Hey, baby, good idea! What's the plan?

Clint: [Looks at the plate of crumbs in disbelief] Where's the cake, wide-load?

Austin : [Clint] Where is the file? Is probably the more pertinent question.

Picki : [Looks down at the plate] Oh - no, you see, well, I mean, yes, but no, but like, I got hungry and Joanie's Mum what works in the slaughterhouse heard about Miriam who's cousin Cathy bakes the greatest cakes ever and I only took a tiny piece, a little chunk.

Alice : [Looks Picki up and down] A little chunk?

Picki : Well, yeah! But, well, no, I mean, yes, that's how it started and then I took another little chunk didn't I?

Picki : [To Austin] In the cake, innit?

Alice : And the cake?

Picki : In me, innit?

Alice : So. Your escape tools are a partically digested file and an empty plate?

Picki : It ain't empty! Look! [Shoves a sparklingly clean plate in Alice's face] Hey!

Harvey : [Licking his fingers clean] Mmmm, File cake!

Harvey : [Looks around the room] What? Look troop, why don't we all rush out when they open the door to leave this, er, delightful, er, lady, out of our cell?

Picki : Yeah! That was my plan!

Clint: [Pulls a filthy, tattered, moldy sock off of his left foot and hands it to Picki] Go out sock first. That'll clear a path for us. [nods proudly and slips his boot back onto his bare foot]

Picki : Oh, lovely! [Ties the sock around her topknot, before doing a little pose] What do you think?

Clint: You look hot, babe. [winks at Picki and gives her a thumbs up, keeping his distance and hiding slightly behind Alice] Now, that file's gonna do a number on you before long, so better get cracking! [nods to the door]

Picki : [Gives a mindless giggle] Sure thing, Lover! [As PICKI turns, the door slides open and shut again, even more quickly than before, and another person enters. This is NORMAN CHUFFINGTON, a well dressed young man wearing a tuxedo, but with some CHAVENOLOGIST items too.]

Norman : [Looking around the tiny cell] Oh! I say, jolly small, eh? [Turns to Alice with a big smile, holding his arms open as wide as possible] Hi Alice!

Alice : Er, hello.

Clint: [To Norman] Here to pick up our dear Alice for the prom? Have her home by ten, and if you even think of befouling her purity and innocence-- [makes a fist and waves it threateningly, then take a looks at Alice] wait! Too late! [ALICE glares at CLINT, but doesn't get a chance to answer.]

Norman : Prom? [Gives a slightly forced laugh] It's funny you should mention that. [Turns to Alice] Come on! Surely you remember me?

Alice : Of course I do. [Time passes.]

Alice : It's uh, um Daa [watches for Norman's reaction and sees she's wrong] Frrr [again, wrong] George!

Norman : [Slighty forced smile] Oh, I'm sure you remember me, [tartly] Alice. Remember the guy who's prom you promised to go to, and then headed off with his richer, better looking, now ex-best friend just as he arrived with a hired carriage that his father had to take out a second mortgage to get hold of? [Everyone turns and gives ALICE an incredulous look.]

Alice : [Face drops for a moment, but then brightens] Albert! Everyone, this is Albert! charset="iso-8859-1"

Chastity : [Tuts] Imagine two timing this poor lad. [gestures to Norman] So well dressed, and with warm slippers as well. For shame, Alice Bassett-Short. [To Norman] Why are you in here, young sir?

Austin : [To Norman] I think Albert is here to recieve an appology from Alice for standing him up, by the sounds of it. [Glances behind Norman] Is there a long queue?

Norman : My name isn't Norman!

Alice : Er, sorry, could I have some more information?

Norman : [Exasperated] I tattooed your name on my arm!

Alice : Can I see?

[NORMAN rolls up his sleeve to reveal a "Norman and Alice Forever" tattoo.]

Alice : Oh! Noman! Hi Noman! Of course I remember you! [Gives him a hug, mouthing to the party] Not a clue!

Clint: Well, Noman, glad you got some closure. Now, what the hell are you doing here? charset="iso-8859-1"

Chastity : [Glancing at Picki. To Clint] I think you'll find that it'll be far to porous to be any practical barrier method, Mr. Scar. [To Picki] Maybe best just wave it in the guards face, dear.

Clint: [To Chastity, smirking] That sock's not wide enough or long enough, anyway. [modestly thrusts his hips once for emphasis]

Picki : Good idea! [Knocks on the door]

[A few moments later, the slot opens, and AXEL is there.]

Picki : I'm ready to go now.

Axel : Go where?

Picki : I'm just a visitor, I want to leave now.

Axel : I don't think so, Caiphas said that all supporters of these fake Executionologists must also be put to death. [Slams the slot shut]

Picki : [Taken aback] Oh. [Turns to Clint and gives him a huge hug] How romantic! We're going to die together! It'll be just like Jomeo and Ruliet!

Austin : [To Clint] The experience of a life time Mr Scar. You must be most pleased.

Norman : [Quietly] I guess I'm stuck here too. I suppose it's kind of fitting that I'm here to see you die, Alice, seeing as how [shouts] you ruined my life and all! [Even louder] How you tore out my still beating heart and squashed it in front of me! [Blaring] How you made me spend the rest of my life wearing this tattoo? Cursed forever to date women called Alice!

Alice : [Rolls her eyes] Do you think they'd kill us right away if we asked?

Clint: [To Picki] Why don't you sit down and relax? Maybe join me for a smoke? Hey, Bimbo, still got that special cheese pipe you picked up a while back?

Harvey : [To Clint] By the saints private Scar, is it not bad enough to burn our nostrils with the smell of your stocking, that you must also think about burning that reeking cheesey badness? [To Norman] You sir, please do not shout at my niece!

Norman : [Dead calm] I didn't shout.

Statsy : Darlings, sweeties, what's going on?

Axel : How dare you! The Chavenologists are more honourable people! [Slams the shutter closed]

[The door slides open even more quickly than before, and STATSY is pushed in, almost spilling her martini, and the door shuts behind her.]

Statsy : Careful darling! [Looks around] Ah, it's you lot. Fabulous, absolutely fabulous.

Alice : If I had, Stinky, it would be yours. [Gives a smile]

Clint: Yeah, all these bodies squished together like this makes me feel a little sick. [retches loudly, making sure Picki is watching]

Harvey : Well my dear, it would seem that we've all been marked for execution! [Looks around the cell] Although I think it more likely that being crushed will take us all first!

Statsy : [Just about managing to take a sip of her drink, despite the crush] How awful, sweetie. Why aren't you affected by the eggs, darlings?

Picki : I am, it's just that I want to screw Clintie.

Norman : I am also affected, but the consuming and intoxicating presence of dearest Alice is stronger than any egg.

Picki : Um - that's what I meant too, but about Clintie-poo.

Picki : [Cuddles closer to Clintie-poo] Aw, sweetums! Want me to rub your belly? [A little hopefully] Or something else?

Harvey : Wonderful. Now that is just going to cap off my day to perfection!

Clint: [Also hopefully] Don't you feel like puking, uh, honey-covered sugar-sweet love biscuit? [retches again, even more loudly]

Harvey : [Shudders and tries to move as far away from the sock/hair-tie as he can. To Statsy] And may I ask madam, why you are not effected by the egg?

Statsy : Oh, come on now, sweetie, I asked you first.

Picki : Not yet, Clintie-winky, but once I have another few naggons of cider I'll be right there with you. Want me to stick my fingers down your throat? [Turns and glares at Alice] That's [emphasis] real love!

Alice : [Rolls her eyes] And what is it when you want to stick your fingers down your own throat?

Norman : [Shouting very, very loudly] Nothing compared to the pain of a broken heart and the public humiliation of being stood up on prom night!

Harvey : [To Norman] Please do not shout at my niece! [To Statsy] Well, my dear, my best guess is because we're [pauses] Hierophantic Knights, and because of our rather unique training, we're somehow immune to its effects.

Norman : [Dead calm again, but a little hoarse] Who's shouting?

Alice : [Nods in agreement with Monty's words] Yes! We can talk once we've all been executed, Noman.

Statsy : [Takes a drag of her cigarette, which, due to the unfeasibly long holder almost burns Norman] Hierophantic Knights, eh? Fabulous, darling, absolutely fabulous! I'm not sure why I haven't been affected, but I do have the occasional ability to see the future, so perhaps it's that, although I wonder why you were all affected by the Chavenologist one. [Face lights up] Say, sweeties, do you know Peter?

Clint: [Groans] Peter Deadpan?! If you expect me to listen to you go on and on about what a prince of a guy that little weasel is, I'm gonna need something to drink. [reaches for Statsy's martini]

Statsy : [Hands the drink to Clint] Isn't he just fabulous, darling? [Big grin] The man's a stallion, sweeties, stamina is the name of the name of the game here. [Big wink at the females]

Clint: [Quickly downs the martini and hands the empty glass back to Statsy] Gonna need more booze than that if you're gonna force me to think about naked Peter. [waits for a refill, tapping his foot impatiently]

Statsy : Oh, that's okay, darling, I don't really mind if you think about naked Peter, I can do that myself. [Goes all dreamy]

Statsy : [Squirting out another martini from a seltzer bottle hidden somewhere in her jacket] Obvious, darling? Why should it be obvious?

Statsy : Honey, sweetie, from [gives a nod to Clint] Mr. Scar's reaction, I would have assumed that you don't know Peter!

Clint: [Shoots Monty a look of annoyance. To Statsy] We know him, all right. We're just not horny, desperate broads, so we can see him for what he is.

Chastity : See him for what he is? Oh, what nonsense you speak, Mr. Scar! Peter is a wonderful man, simply wonderful! [Big warm smile] And that sense of humour!

Statsy : Sure, sweetie, humour is the greatest aphrodisiac, know what I mean, darling?

Austin : [Straightens a cuff, which is quite difficult in the cramped surroundings] While not qualified to comment on that in regards to Peter, I must concur - he is a splendid chap, sadly misunderstood by the likes of Mr. Scar.

Statsy : Yes, darling, he's fabulous, darling, absolutely fabulous.

Austin : [Scoldingly to Clint] Fabulous is almost an understatement in Peter's case. The man is a genius. [To Statsy] Have you seen him recently, in this town or somewhere close?

Statsy : Oh, no, darling - I only arrived with you, remember? However, where there is trouble, that imp Peter is very rarely far behind.

[The slot in the door opens once more, and AXEL's face appears.]

Axel : [Giggling, and hardly able to contain himself] In a few moments, we're going to pump poisonous gas in there and - [sniff sniff] is there some there already? Anyway, no matter. It's going to kill you, and then we're going to bring you to see the king, because he's wants to kill you himself. charset="iso-8859-1"

Chastity : [To Axel] What? We're to be killed twice? And what's so funny, may I ask?

Axel : [Stops laughing] I didn't say you were going to be killed twice! What do you think I am?

Alice : Well, I think he's stupid.

Harvey : I think he's a sneak.

Picki : I think he's jealous of my love.

Statsy : I think he's an idiot.

Norman : I think he's stylishly dressed.

Clint : I thought he was a woman!

Austin : I think he is comprehensively mentally inefficient. charset="ISO-8859-15"

Chastity : [Glowering briefly at Alice] I think he's living proof of the corrupting influence of this modern popular music movement.

Austin : [Sighs, checking his nails in a ponderous manner] It sounds as if Caiphas knows alot about the eggs and may even be controlling them. And he's probably rounding of us [Nodding at those in the cell but shrugging as he sees Picki] as we are all immune to the egg effect. [To Norman] So, Noman, do you have any special powers?

Alice : [Smiles back at Chastity] Music Power!

[AXEL is quiet for a moment, although, judging by how heavily he is breathing, he is very annoyed.]

Axel : [Whining] Shut up! [Slams the slot shut again]

Norman : [To Austin] The ability to live with a black hole where my heart should be.

Austin : [Watching the slot slamming shut. Loudly for Axel's benefit] I bet that Axel kid still lives with his mother [Sniggers] I expect she makes him eggy soilders for breakfast and still irons his underwear. [Chuckles] She probably still tucks him into bed at night and reads him a story.

Norman : Other than the fact that I'm scarred for life! We both agreed to get tattoos. [To Alice] Why? Why didn't you get one?

Alice : Because I saw yours and it made you look like an idiot, and I met a cuter boy, and I was only 15, for Phili's sake! And another thing - [The door slides open, and AVID is pushed in, with quite some difficulty, before it slides again, but clearly can only just barely fit everyone.]

Avid : And so [pant] we once again discover [pause] the party.

Austin : Mr Scar, could you stick your other sock in Avid's mouth please. Now please.

Clint : Dammit, Lawyer, if I could move, I would!

Axel : [Opens the slot again] There's nothing strange about Mummy reading me a story! And you know what, I can tell you a story now, you're in for a big surprise, you -

[Boom. The door breaks, and the prisoners burst out into the hall, flatening AXEL and knocking the handful of CHAVENOLOGISTS out there to the ground. Each of STATSY, NORMAN, HARVEY and AVID are thrown out into the hall, with AVID landing on the bottom. PICKI, CLINT, MONTY and ALICE remain inside, but on their feet, a little winded, but fine. All the party's weapons are gone, but there are some scattered around the floor.]

Alice : [Brushes herself down, and peeks out at the carnage in the hallway] Surprise!

Statsy : [Incredibly, has managed to keep her drink from spilling, and is now lying on the ground] Fabulous, darlings, absolutely fabulous. [Takes a drink and then a smoke]

Austin : [Grabs a few daggers and a sling shot and ammo if there is one. Then attacks the nearest Chav] How dare you inflict Avid upon us! Unspeakably evil!

Clint: [Exits the cell, searching around for a sword to grab] What the hell happened?! charset="iso-8859-1"

Chastity : [To Clint] I think your foot fumes combusted, Mr. Scar. [Looks to pick up the nearest bashing mace like weapon]

Clint: [Flattered] Think so? [glances down at his feet with pride]

Alice : Too many prisoners spoil the cell!

[AUSTIN swings and stabs one of the CHAVENOLOGISTS, killing him.]

Alice : [Pointing to the left] That's the way they brought us in, our weapons might still be up there.

Harvey : I believe the number of incarcerated bodies exceeded the safety guidelines set down for maximum occupancy, compounded by a possibly defective door or rusted hinges, or even subsidance damage, resulted in an occupant erruption, troop! Ha, wouldn't have happened in my jail, let me tell you! [Looks around for a sword to pick up]

Alice : [Reading from the safety notice inside the door of the cell] Maximum unbound occupancy nine, chained occupancy eight. Looks like you're right Unc. [Starts moving up the corridor] Come on! The weapons are up here!

Harvey : Harumpf! Amatuers, dear niece, amatuers! Now, what did that fool mean by killing us twice? Poisoning us, and then taking us to the king for him to kill us again? [Scratches at a sideburn] I'm thinking we should pay this monarch a visit and give him a piece of whatfor, eh! charset="iso-8859-1"

Chastity : Lead on quickly, dear. Haste ye as if leaving a spurned lover. [pauses. To Norman] Oh, sorry. [Continues quickly up the corridor]

Norman : That's okay, Sister, I've had plenty of experience being hurt at the hands of a woman.

Axel : I'm sorry! Don't you see? I'm stupid, a sneak, jealous of Picki's love, an idiot, sytlishly dressed, mentally inefficiant, reminiscint of a woman and living proof of the corrupting influence of this modern popular music movement. Nothing I say makes any squid.

Alice : Squid?

Norman : See?

Harvey : [To Axel] You there, where can we find this damned king of yours, eh? And did Caiphas mean with his talk of Gary?

Clint: [To Statsy] What'd you mean before about being about to tell the future? That true, or that just the booze talking?

Austin : [Goes to get his stuff back. To Clint] I think you'd drink alot too if you knew your future!

Clint: [To Austin] Just because [huge emphasis] you're headed for a lifetime of giving hand jobs for parmesean doesn't mean that's what waiting for the rest of us!

Axel : [Terrified] The King is in his chambers on the fourth floor.

Alice : Where on the fourth floor?

Axel : Uh, it's all of the fourth floor. [The corridor is a dead end at the end where the CHAVENOLOGISTS are, and the party (including various hangers on) are between them and the exit, and have all the weapons.]

Statsy : [To Clint] It's true darling, but it's normally other people's futures. [Looks quite serious] Actually, sweetie, if you knew [emphasis] your future, you'd need a drink too. I don't think any of you should go up to the fourth floor. charset="iso-8859-1"

Chastity : [To Statsy] Unfortunately, my dear, it is our destiny to go places we shouldn't. [Glancing from Clint to Picki] Some have us have more of those places than others.

Clint: [Sword at the ready, watching the Chavenologists. To Statsy] Why not? What do you see?

Austin : [Readies his slingshot incase the Chavs attack again. To Statsy] I bet it's not what you're hoping for Stinky.

Statsy : Sorry sweetie, I'm not sure - just that it could work out very badly for you.

Axel : [Trying to muster up some courage] Damn right it will, you'll be recognised instantly, and killed in a matter of seconds!

Alice : [Points at the Chavenologists with her sword] If we do go up - what are we going to do with this mob?

Austin : [To Axel] Where is the egg then?

Axel : [Somewhat defiantly] Eggs? We don't no stinking eggs! We've got a king!

Harvey : [To the others] Perhaps they had an egg the longest, it hatched and became their king, eh? Well, there's only one way to find out, I suppose! [To the gang of Chavs] Does anyone here own a big shiny carriage parked outside? Because there are a gang of children stealing the wheels and scratching the paintwork with a large key!

Chavenologist : Uh, if by own you mean stolen, then yes, I guess we all have one like that.

Alice : [To Harvey] You know, of course, uncle H, that the only way they have to get out is through us?

Harvey : [Looks behind him, and back to the Chavs, and behind him again, and back at the Chavs, before turning to Alice] Gah!

Austin : [To Harvey] Colonel, we could just lock them in the cell.

Alice : What he clearly meant, Monty, was that we put them in the cell and make them promise not to leave!

Austin : [To Monty, smugly] We could use a cell that still has a door. [To The Chavs] You lot, into that cell now [Gestures to a cell that has a door] Chips and mushy peas will be served later.

Austin : [To Monty] I didn't say how much later, nor did I say to whom they would be served. Undoubtly someone somewhere will eventually be served chips and mushy peas. [Dissmisses the idea] They have nothing in writing, and if things got really tough it would be reasonable for me to site selfdefence as reason enough. [To the chaves] Hurry up please, we don't have all day. [The CHAVENOLOGISTS sulkily make their way into the cell.]

Axel : You'll never get away with this - the moment you're spotted outside the cell you'll be caught. Look at you, you stand out like sore thumbs! [Looks at Norman and Picki] Well, except you two.

Norman : I'm sure the non-beating of my heart from breakage marks me out.

Alice : [To Monty and Austin] Can we lock him in there too?

Austin : [Grimacing at the bling he is wearing] I believe that we should try to blend in a little more [Takes a berburry scarf and baseball cap from one of the chavs, handing the cap to Harvey and putting the scarf on, but shudders as he does so. Then gets out some shades and puts them on]

Clint: [Grabs a berburry shirt. To the Chavenologists] Got any cheap booze on ya? charset="iso-8859-1"

Chastity : [Taking some large hooped ear-rings, a uni-sex Berberry cap and scarf] These should help. [To Alice] Oh, well done. You managed the chav shoes and over applied make-up already. Very resourceful!

Austin : [Looking pale the the general assortment of Berburry] I never thought I'd see the day when we we wearing too little berburry [Grabs a berburry cap, checks it for lice etc then puts it on. Forlornly] And I thought hell was unplesant!

[Book IV, Act IX, Scene IX. The Stairway. AUSTIN, ALICE, CHASTITY, CLINT, HARVEY and MONTY are here, approaching the fourth floor. KEVIN, N8 and six other CHAVENOLOGISTS are standing on the stairs, clearly guarding the fourth floor. KEVIN's nose has clearly been broken, and he appears to be in the middle of telling a story.]

Kevin : So then, those so called Executionologists grabbed me from behind, and Tyler was all [holds his hands up in mock fright] oh no! Oh no! I stayed calm though, and then - [sees the party] Halt! Who goes there?

Alice : You know, Chastity, those big hoop ear rings are really only meant for girls. [Applies lots of hair mouse and slicks her hair back] Innit?

Statsy : Darlings, sweeties, be careful - the king is very, very dangerous.

[Exit the party.]

Avid : And so, the party leave. Unfortunately, we cannot follow, owing to technical reasons.

Statsy : Technical reasons?

Avid : The king is very, very dangerous.

Clint: [Snorts] Who does it look like?? [gestures to his berburry threads impatiently and attempts to keep walking past the Chavenologists]

Clint: [Ignores Kevin and immediately goes to open the ornate door. To the party] This has gotta be it!

Alice : Quickly, Stinky! They're coming! [CLINT tries the door and finds it is unlocked. He pushes it open to reveal an enormous room, filled with all sorts of CHAVENOLOGIST finery. There doesn't appear to be anyone here, but the room is easily large enough for someone to hide in.]

Kevin : Let's get them!

Austin : [Quickly aims and fires at Kevin. To Clint] It looks like they want to play after all.

Clint: [To Austin, tugging at his berburry shirt] These young kids got no respect for the uniform! [Whips out his sword and goes barrelling down the hall to block the Chavenologist from getting to the top of the stairs, attempting to kick anyone who gets close to the top back down the stairs and perferably into the others] [AUSTIN hits KEVIN once, sending him staggering back, while CLINT engages the nearest CHAVENOLOGIST.]

Kevin : Ow! [Takes out his Stanley knife as Clint kills the Chavenologist easily] We're under attack, they're at the King's Chambers.

Alice : [Draws her sword] What do we do? Cut up some Berburry or look for the king? charset="iso-8859-1"

Chastity : I'll see what's up here. We can't spend too much time battling, there's a whole town of Chavs waiting to replace the fallen. [Goes in the hall to see what's there]

Austin : [Keeps shooting at the Kevin and the chavs] I thought we were trying to escape! [ALICE goes to fight at CLINT's side, blocking AUSTIN's aim.]

Alice : [Calling back to Austin] So did I! [Swings and hits a Chavenologist] Better make it quick, Sis, they're coming! [CLINT and his CHAVENOLGIST swing and miss each other, and the party can see that there are a lot more coming up the stairs.]

Harvey : [Peeks into the room with Chastity] By the saints, Sister! What is it supposed to be? It looks like a cross between a bedroom, a lost and found office at Chavenologist Central and a brothel!

Clint: [Perks up at Harvey's description and suggests enthusiastically] Let's go! [starts battling his way toward the room by Harvey and Chastity] charset="iso-8859-1"

Chastity : [Looks around in amazement] Indeed, Colonel. I don't think I've ever seen so many posters of shiny modified carriages and half-naked women in one place before. [Glances back towards to the melee on the stairs] I thought we were coming up here to find the King Chav?

Alice : So did I, Chas, it's all Stinky's fault! [Swings and misses, but gets hit] Ow! There are loads of them! [ALICE and CLINT back into the room, as CLINT and his CHAVENOLOGIST each inflict minor wounds on each other. As soon as they are in, HARVEY and MONTY slam the doors shut, and AUSTIN turns the key, locking it. The door, which opens in, is quite sturdy, and, although the CHAVENOLOGISTS outside begin to bang on it, looks as though it will hold for at least a while.]

Harvey : [Looking up] Indeed, Sister, a Kings ransom in bling, whatever that is! [Although most of the stuff in the room is distinctly CHAVENOLOGIST, it is clearly worth a fortune, and there are a number of huge chests with jewels and gold spilling out, as well as crowns, golden hubcaps, non-Chavenologist fine clothing etc. scattered around.]

Austin : [Quickly selects a few choice Chav items of jewlery and garments and disgards the poorer quality itmes he picked up in the dungeon. To Clint] You could shove some heavy furniture infront of the door, it'll hold out a little longer.

Alice : [Momentarily disappearing behind a huge pile of treasures] You know, Austin, it wouldn't hurt for you to do something for the party every once in a while? [Reappears, wearing a beautiful wedding dress that she's found, arms weighed down by various treasures] It's not just about you getting stuff, you know? [Puts on a tiara and does a twirl, beaming madly] [The CHAVENOLOGISTS are starting to try and break down the door.]

Clint: [Starts moving heavy furniture in front of the door] That white dress isn't fooling anybody, Bimbo!

Alice : That's Princess Bimbo to you, Stinky! [HARVEY and MONTY give CLINT a hand moving the furniture.]

Harvey : Right, that ought to hold them for a while - at least until the buggers break the door up.

Clint: [Checks out the room for alternate exits] Anyone see another way out?

Alice : Doesn't look like it, Stinky, just the windows. [Peers out] Wow, we're pretty high up. [This is true, there don't appear to be any other exits, although there's a distinctly unpleasant stench over in one corner. A voice booms out, it is very deep and very loud.]

Voice : Tremble before your king!

Clint: [Sniffs the air] Dad?

Austin : [To Clint] I think the most your dad ever said was 'Baaa' [Sniggers. To the King, haughtly] Trembling is soo yesterday, when was the last time you got out? You smell like you've been in here for months!

Austin : [To Monty] I think when someone wants to nail you to a block of wood it's a little late for diplomacy. charset="iso-8859-1"

Chastity : [To Alice] It's starting to sound more and more likely! [Looking round trying to identify where the voice is coming from. To the voice] Really! You can hardly be a King if you soil yourself!

Alice : What happened Aus? You meet Clint's dad in one of those nightclubs you always go to?

[The party hear a strange scuttling sound, which sounds a bit like a large crab.]

Voice : Foolish insect! That smell is not me, it is my glorious pee-pee.

Harvey : By the saints, Private Sleaze! It's never too late for diplomacy. Why, even when you're jamming a prisoner's head in a drawer, there's always a chance. [Laughs at the memory] On 4/25/05, Conor Ryan wrote:

Voice : [Momentarily strangely high pitched] Hey! [Back to normal] I don't soil myself! You will suffer for that. [Loudly] Guards! Guards!

Austin : [To Monty] Indeed. I do believe that this King may be the source of the eggs, or at least his Queen may be the source of te eggs. [Readies his sling shot, quickly scanning the ceiling incase the king is up there]

Clint: [Addressing the producer of the glorious pee-pee] Why so shy? No need to be embarrassed about your little incontinence problem. We've all been there, right? [laughs and slaps Austin on the back] Come on out!

Clint: Great! You mean this one, right? [lays his hand on the nearest small brown chest]

Austin : [Frowns at Clint] As far as I know Mr. Scar I have not been incontinent since I was a newborn. [Brushes down where Clints touched him]

Voice : That's it! See that small brown chest?

[The party look around, and see that there at least thirty or forty chests that fit that description.]

Voice : [Gives a classic evil maniac cackle] That contains your fate!

Voiced : [Annoyed] No! The small brown one!

Clint: [Approvingly] Lawyer, you're starting to make a lot of sense to me! [enthusiastically starts kicking boxes against walls]

Austin : [To Clint] We should try to shmash them all! [Shoots at the nearest box and kicks another]

Voice : Hey! Stop that! [Enter KING FURBERRY, a small creature about a foot high, who is clearly the same kind of creature as those seen in the eggs.]

Furberry : [Holding a megaphone type device which he throws to the ground in anger, before continuing in a high pitched, squeaky voice] Stop that! Stop that or you will feel my wrath! Fear me! [As the banging on the door gets louder, all the party crowd in to take a look.]

Furberry : [With his cigarette hanging out of his mouth] Fear me!

Alice : Aw! He's just cute!

Clint: [To Furberry] What are you gonna do, gnaw on our ankles??

Harvey : [Laughs] Or perhaps even tie our shoe laces together when we're not looking? Send instant messages to your online friends http://uk.messenger.yahoo.com

Furberry : I will send you straight to the hell you deserve! charset="iso-8859-1"

Chastity : [Looking around] I take it it'll look like this then! [To Furberry] I fear you are mistaken, we are here to mke you join all your other warped unborn offspring, in a hell where small pieces of lint like you belong.

Furberry : [Hops from side to side with anger] Don't you disrespect me!

Alice : Aw, is the little Kingy Wingy upset? Poor little lamb! [FURBERRY glares at ALICE, and she is thrown back against some chests.]

Alice : Ow! Someone, stamp on the little bugger!

Harvey : [Shocked] By the saints! Dear niece are you alright? [Glares at Furberry before attempting to jump on him] Send instant messages to your online friends http://uk.messenger.yahoo.com

Furberry : I cannot be defeated! I am indominatable! Fear me!

Furberry : I am invincible! I am - [Splat. HARVEY stamps on KING FURBERRY with a sickening squelch, leaving little but a disgusting mess and some bent hoop earrings. Almost immediately, the banging on the door stops.]

Alice : [Slowly getting up] Make sure you clean your boot after that, Harvey!

Harvey : [Looks at his boot in disgust] Haha, well polished, stout regulation sized military boots strike again, troop! Now, that's put a stopper into their plans, what next? Send instant messages to your online friends http://uk.messenger.yahoo.com

Alice : [Peers down at the mess] Well, that was nice and easy. [The CHAVENOLOGISTS have just realised that the door doesn't open inwards, but outwards, and so simply open it. There is a huge number of people outside there, including STATSY.]

Statsy : Darlings, sweeties! Whatever you just did, it looks like you just ended the Chavenologists. A mass burning of Berburry is about to take place!

Clint: [Impressed] Nice work, Colonel! [Through the door, amused] Where ya going, punks? Thought you wanted in here! charset="iso-8859-1"

Chastity : Best take it off then! [Takes off her chav gear. Looks round the group] That was all a bit too easy, wasn't it? Surely that was just the same as destoying an egg, in effect! But where are the eggs coming from?

Statsy : Transported from a different dimension, Sweetie. King Furberry here was a stack of them in one of his chests, perhaps Austin can do his finger trick?

Austin : I would be pleased to. [Locates a chest and begins to destroy the eggs]

Statsy : Fabulous news for you darlings, absolutely fabulous. The Chavenologists are terrified that you're going to kill them all, but I persuaded them that you'll leave them alive if they give you all this treasure.

Harvey : Ha, a very good question, dear sister! Excellent! May I? [Takes a corner of the Chav gear in Chastitys hand and cleans his boot on it. To Statsy] My dear, do you have any idea where these eggs are originating from? Send instant messages to your online friends http://uk.messenger.yahoo.com

Austin : [De-chavs, dropping the burberry on the floor. Looking very pleased at Statsy's negotiations] That's absolutely fabulous sweetie darling [Saunters over to Statsy and gives her a kiss on the cheek, then continues destroying eggs]

Statsy : [Reciprocates, kissing the air beside each of Austin's cheeks] My pleasure, darling. [To Harvey] We're pretty sure they were sent by Athlacca.

Alice : We? Who's we? Are you a shrink?

Statsy : No, sweetie, I'm a Path Gallant.

Clint: What the hell does that mean?

Harvey : [Bows to Statsy] And do the Gallants have any way of destroying Athlacca or stemming his egg production? Send instant messages to your online friends http://uk.messenger.yahoo.com

Statsy : [To Clint] Easy darling, we're a group sworn to defend the Path. It's a Holy and Sacred vow, you know, we take it very seriously. [Takes out a small amount of parmesan which she spreads on her hand before snorting it] Oh yeah! [To Harvey] He only had a limited number of eggs, darling, and they can't survive without the Furberry. [Gives a smile] He hasn't been destroyed, but it'll be a long time before he will try anything again - and now that all this religious nonsense has been sorted out, it looks like the realms will be able to unite in the fight against the Horsemen. [Raises her glass] Cheers, darlings, it's all down to you.

Harvey : Well, three cheers for the troop eh! Hip hip horray! Now, how about we get out of here and gorge ourselves on some dinner? Send instant messages to your online friends http://uk.messenger.yahoo.com charset="iso-8859-1"

Chastity : [To Statsy] Well thank you. But one more question springs to mind. I thought your vision spelled put us in grave danger up here? [The CHAVENOLOGISTS give a big cheer for the party on hearing HARVEY's words.]

Statsy : [Shrugs] It did, darlings, but sometimes they are wrong. I must admit, I didn't expect the king to be so easily squashable! [To Harvey] A lavish spread has been laid out in your suite. I will join you there soon.

Austin : [Nervously looking around] It was a little too easy, even by our standards.

Clint: [To Austin, with a shrug] Maybe we're finally getting the hang of this! Now, let's go stuff ourselves, get ripped, and sleep with chicks we won't remember in the morning!

Austin : [To Clint] Considering your taste in 'wimin', Mr Scar, it's probably just as well you don't remember them inthe morning.

Alice : Yay! That's a great idea, Stinky! [Takes his arm as they walk out] Not the sleeping with chicks thing, though, that's not really my scene. [The party head back to the suite, with AUSTIN's pockets bulging, and ALICE still wearing the wedding dress and tiara, although there is now a procession of CHAVENOLOGISTS carrying the loot and following the party. The party are soon back in their suite, where a sumptuous meal is laid out.]

Alice : Wow! What a surprise! Look, they've got steaks, chops, a soused pigs head, complete with apple, golden honeyed locusts, jellied eels, thrushes ankles, snakes feet, crispy popadoms and curried brussel sprouts!

Clint: [Grabs the pig's head and takes an enormous bite out it] Damn, that's good head! [hands the pig's head to Alice]

Alice : That's okay Stinky, I think I'll stick to the snakes feet. [Everyone sips their champagne and nibble on the treats, while a butler, GRYDNEY SCENESTREET comes in and starts directing the CHAVENOLOGISTS to put the various treasure chests in convenient places.]

Grydney : Please excuse us, we will just be a moment.

Alice : [Holding up her glass to the others in toast] Well, I declare this mission a success!

Austin : [Tenatively nibbles at a honey eyed locust] Your time spent dead in that sphere thingy seems to have give you a new lease of life Mr. Scar. I must have given you time to think things over, for a change.

Clint: [Hands the pig's head to Monty and takes up a glass of champagne to join Alice in her toast] Yep, we make it look easy sometimes, don't we? [guzzles champagne and lazily watches the Chavenologists sorting the treasure]

Alice : [Clinks her glass off Clint's] Yep - hey, I think we should take a holiday, I mean, look at all the cash we've got! [The CHAVENOLOGISTS drop off the last off the chests, leaving just GRYDNEY here, who stands at the door, clearly waiting for something.]

Austin : [Goes over and tips Grydney with several large gold coins] Thank you Grydeny, a splendid banquet.

Grydney : [Pockets the coins with a polite nod of the head] Thanks, Sleaze, I'm glad you liked it. You seem to have got over your grief pretty well. charset="iso-8859-1"

Chastity : [To Grydney] I say, you seem to be awful rude for a butler? [Glances at Austin] Although I can obviously see why. Who are you, may I ask?

Austin : [To Grydney] Life goes on Grydney, but how did you know about Lucy?

Alice : [Spits out a mouthful of snakes feet] What?

Grydney : [With a big smile] It's true. [GRYDNEY shimmers slightly, and is replaced by JEROME.]

Jerome : It's time for the next step on The Path for Dr. Jerome. Unfortunately, it means killing my friends - and you, Sleaze. [The party all leap to their feet, but it is clear that JEROME is telling the truth, as everyone is starting to feel disoriented and groggy.]

Grydney : I'm Dr. Jerome K. Trindle, BSc, PhD. My pal Stump cast this illusion so I could get in and poison your food. charset="iso-8859-1"

Chastity : [Spitting out her food and standing up] Trindle! You've a nerve! [AUSTIN takes JEROME by surprising, but alas, the poison is doing its work, and JEROME easily dodges him.]

Jerome : You surprise Dr. Jerome K. Trindle, Sleaze, he wouldn't have believed you had it in you.

Clint: [Attempts to whack Jerome with his sword while Austin has him somewhat distracted]

Austin : [Spits the little bit of chewed up poisoned locust into Jeromes eye] I'll get you Trindle! [Austin feigns death, slipping to the ground and attempts once more to stab Jerome with his skeletal finger, in the ankle] [JEROME kicks AUSTIN in the face, knocking him back against the wall, as CLINT hits him across the head with his sword, although not particularly hard.]

Jerome : Ow! Mr. Scar! Please desist.

Alice : [Trying to stay up] Or what? You'll kill him? [CHASTITY dramatically falls to the ground, catching onto the tablecloth as she does, sending all the food to the floor.]

Clint: [Takes another swing at Jerome] Bastard!

Harvey : [Munches away on a curried brussel sprout] By the saints, Trindle, you are pathetic! Did you really think we'd be so easily fooled, man, to eat all of this food without being suspicious? Did you? Did you really think we wouldn't have quaffed antidotes by the dozen before sitting down to this fine repast? Did you? Well sir, you are undone! Ha! [Begins to slide under the table]

Jerome : [To Harvey] Dr. Jerome K. Trindle, BSc, PhD is most gratified to hear that, Colonel, for he so enjoys your company. [To Monty] I wouldn't worry about it, Mr. Giles, I don't expect I'll need to kill you again. It is unfortunate, as, under other circumstances, you and Jerome could have been friends - well, maybe not friends, perhaps you could have been Jerome's geeky sidekick.

Harvey : Now that troop, is an insult!

Jerome : I thank you Colonel.

Alice : [On her knees] Jerome! For God's sake! There must be something of the old you in there - you can't do this?

Jerome : [Thinks for a moment] You're right, I guess - I just can't bear to see you in this kind of agony, Alice. [Grabs a heavy object and smashes Alice across the back of the head with it]

[ALICE falls forward, with thick blood pouring from her head. Fortunately for the funeral arrangements, the blood pours away from her nice dress.]

Jerome : [To the party] Almost time now!

Harvey : [Screams in rage] You are a dead man, Trindle! [Tries to attack Jerome]

[HARVEY lunges at JEROME, but doesn't get near him, and falls to the ground, dead.]

Jerome : Takes one to know one! [Looks around at the other party members, each of whom are now on the ground, slowly choking to death, before popping a curried brussels sprout into his mouth] Mm-mm! charset="iso-8859-1"

Chastity : [Gasping weakly from under the table] Clandestine poisoning! You stoop to new lows, Trindle. Even to attack the object of your affections!

[Book IV, Act IX, Scene X. The Funeral. There is a huge crowd of mourners here, carrying six coffins. Carrying the coffins and looking very sombre are DARIUS, BODDY, PETER DEADPAN, SVEN, IRVING WASHINGTON, COCAN, BEARD, SKY TANETTA, DEMPSEY MAKEPEACE, ALDWYN, LAST TSCHANTZ, TUPPY, BERTIE, GORDON, SEBASTIAN LITE, MAXWELL, SNYDER, MORRIS JIMSON, JACK CROWE, DOLORION, LOUIS KESHER, GEOFFREY MARLOW, RICHARD KEITH, FITZ and GROVER. They are followed by a bunch of mourners including PICKI, NORMAN, PENELOPE, AGATHA, DAHLIA, CELIA, TARA, JUSILLA and SPRUCE, who are in turn followed by a large number of people dressed in black. The entourage make their way out of the church towards a graveyward. A voice begins singing, with cuts to the scene as indicated on the right.]

Voice : Well on the side of right, A Hierophantic Knight He used to fight for good, it was the noble life But then it turned around, and he began to change They didn't wonder then, they didn't think it strange But then he got a pain, he had to leave the mine He couldn't say too much but it would be alright They didn't need to come, they'd meet the next night He had a job to do, ride to Dystopia [Cut back to the funeral scene, with the mourners singing along, as they reach the graveyard and start putting the coffins into one large grave.]

Voice : And as the nights passed by, they tried to change the past But still he killed Lucy, yes on her wedding day I guess we'll never know, what got inside his soul, They couldn't make it out, just couldn't take it all He had the maddest eyes that they had ever seen He used to cry some times, as though he lived a dream And if he came too close, he tried to kill his friends As though they knew the truth, lost inside Dystopia [The mourners again join in, walking passed the graves, throwing in the occasional rose or handful of dirt.]

Voice : But then a call came through, and friends would soon be home They had to find the heart and they would make a rendez-vous But now the time has passed and not a one survives And all the love he knew has disappeared out into hate [Slowly the mourners file away, and some men begin filling in the grave. Soon only PETER DEADPAN and SNYDER are left. SNYDER bursts into tears as the next verse beings, absolutely bawling crying.]

Voice : And now that time has passed and not a one survives But there is only one thing left I know sure, We won't see their like again [The two turn and walk away, SNYDER still weeping unconsolably, as PETER puts his arm around him, and they slowly disappear into the distance. Enter AVID DATTENBOROUGH.]

Avid : And so [pause] the party [pause] are laid to rest. The end of an era? Or a new beginning? A day of sadness? Or a time to rejoice? [Bonk. Someone throws a rock at AVID and hits him on the head. It is MARCY BARCY.]

Avid : Ow!

Marcy : Will you shut the hell up? [MARCY chases him away.]