THE QUEENS VIEW AFFAIR

[Book III, Act VIII, Scene I. A Palace in Euphoria. ALICE, AUSTIN, CLINT, CHASTITY, HARVEY and ROD are here, having just been escorted from the huge crowd outside. OLIVE, TRISTRAM and SIEGFRIED are also here, in a hugely opulent room.]

Olive : We thank you for bringing the Nascency Fluid. May we have it?

Harvey : [Trying to arrange his uniform into order once more] Why, certainly you can, madam, however, could you please explain to us all why there was such a change in the people of this town? Firstly you were ready to kill us all, and suddenly, certain members wanted, erm, certain natural acts explained to them!

Olive : There has been much debate in Euphoria of late, as to the wisdom of shutting the gates and engaging the Morcs on our own. On one side [glances at Siegfried] some believe that humans are barbaric savages, who have little interest outside procreation and killing, while on the other, there are those who believe that you may have something to teach us.

Siegfried : [Deadpan] There are those who believe that the natural energy of humans is something that Euphoria could benefit from.

[Enter HELEN BACK, with a bottle of brandy and some glasses. The bottle looks similar, but not identical, to the fabled Louis XIV.]

Harvey : [Shakes his head to Helen] Never on an empty stomach, my dear! Could you find it in yourself to bring us some sumptous treats, my dear? [Turns to Olive] And what specifically would you like to be taught?

Helen : I'll see what I can do.

Olive : Elves, and, in particular, Euphoric Elves, are, in general, very calm. Unfortunately, since the Morcs have started to attack us, it appears as though their natural ferocity is a useful weapon.

Siegfried : [With fairly well concealed contempt, but contempt nonetheless] Although the Morcs are savage and warlike, their propensity for destruction is nothing compared to that of humans.

Olive : We are not looking for you personally to teach us something, although we have already learned a valuable lesson from you. It is mankind in general that we are interested in.

Clint : [To Helen] If Harvey's not interested, bring it on over here. What is it?

Helen : [Turns the bottle for all to see] Louis XV brandy.

Rod : Actually, we've refined the combination of violence and procreation to a very gentle, noble

concept: chivalry! [Smiles widely] In fact, I am bounded to uphold that concept, as what we call a knight! And, as you can tell, I'm quite gentle.

Harvey : Louis XV? Surely that label is a misprint, my dear woman, and it should in fact read XIV?

Siegfried : [To Rod] Yes. I'm sure you are. Of course, we elves are also fascinated by the ease with which you humans bear false witness, and your ability to do so to the extent that you yourselves believe it.

[CLINT, AUSTIN and ALICE all exchange excited and astonished looks.]

Alice : Louis XV? Can it be? [Wipes some saliva from her lower lip, before looking puzzled] Hey! Who's saliva is that?

Helen : Oh yes. It is only available in Euphoria. However, I will put it away until afer you've eaten.

Clint : [Leaping up, drawing his sword and shouting] No! [Calms down, puts the sword away, and sits] I mean, no.

Rod : [Looks to the rest of the party] Is the stuff really that good? I've heard of it obviously, but knights of my order aren't allowed to imbibe in alcohol, so I've never actually had any. [To Siegfried] If I may, sir. How many humans have you met prior to us, pretell?

Harvey : [To Clint] Careful private! We must observe protocol and etiquette at all costs!

[HELEN pours out three glasses of the brandy, one for each of ALICE, CLINT and AUSTIN.]

Siegfried : [To Rod] I have met a large number of them. There are quite a number living in Euphoria.

Harvey : [Surprised] They live here? From your reaction earlier, I was quite sure that you wouldn't have a human within a million miles of this city!

Rod : [Nods] Well, isn't that spiffy. So, if you are able to co-exist with them, surely they can't all be that savage.

Siegfried : [To Harvey] That is true.

Olive : [To Rod] Alas, we do not co-exist. The humans have their own part of the city, and betray little interest in interacting with us. It has been this way for a long time. We elves are often dismayed at the lack of interest humans show in the events around them.

[Everyone glances to one side, where ALICE, CLINT and AUSTIN sit transfixed at the manner in which the brandy reflects the light.]

Harvey : Perhaps it's your attitude towards them that causes their disinterested attitude towards you. Perhaps if we spoke with them, or at least, their leader or commander, then perhaps we could start bridging the gap between elves and humans.

Olive : I fear that it is their disinterest and behaviour that has caused our attitude. However, if you feel speaking to them would help, we would appreciate that.

Siegfried : There is no point. They cannot be reasoned with. They are animals. I am very much against it.

[In one swift and glorious movement, each of ALICE, CLINT and AUSTIN lift their glasses and down the drink. All three stare at each other in shock.]

Rod : Now I'm all for helping improve human / elf relations in your city, but shouldn't our focus be breaking the Morcish siege first before they resort to more barbaric tactics? [Openly shivers as the opening chords to "Don't Turn Around" play in his mind]

Chastity : [To Alice, Clint and Austin] Well?

Alice : [Curling herself up and rubbing herself all over] Oh my god, oh my god...

Clint : More! More! More!

Austin : [Struggling to remain calm] That's the best God damned drink I've ever tasted!

Harvey : [To Rod] Certainly our attention should be on the siege, and it is, good sir! For imagine how the defence forces would swell in size if the human population of this town joined the ranks of the elves! Why, I'm sure we could easily repel the Morc invasion!

Siegfried : [Rolling his eyes, although it isn't clear if this is at Harvey or at Austin and the others] I'm sure we could easily repel the Morc invasion without them. What I would like to know is why you came to Euphoria? [Glances at Helen] Perhaps that's enough for a while.

Olive : [Gently] They came to bring us the Nascency Fluid.

Siegfried : I know they brought it, but I doubt that was the only reason they came.

Harvey : Bringing you the fluid is reason enough for now.

Siegfried : [Leans over to Olive] Do you see? This is precisely what I was afraid of. Because they do us a good turn, we are expected to become beholden to them, and to permit the free reign in our city without any further information.

Olive : I'm sorry, Harvey, but we really would like to know why you are here.

[HELEN disappears with the brandy, to the obvious disappointment of ALICE, AUSTIN and CLINT.]

Chastity : Surely the most pressing matter for anyone within this town, be they Elf or human, is the Morc attack. [Sighs] But if you insist. We are here to find an artefact thought to have been left here by one of the Colonel's ancestors.

Olive : [With some surprise] Faern?

Harvey : No one is expecting you to be beholden to us, my dear! We have brought you the fluid, offered to stand and fight with you, even offered to attempt to unite your race with the humans living in this city. [Stomach rumbles massively] What we really want is lunch, my dear!

Olive : [Slowly holds her hand up] Soon, Colonel. Please understand that it is important for us to know why people are in our city.

Siegfried : [To Olive] Lunch? After lunch they will probably wish to copulate.

Olive : And we might join them, Siegfried, so that some of their savage ways may rub off on us.

Clint : [Making a gun shape with his hand, that he points at Olive] Click-click!

Harvey : [Sighs sadly] In that case, yes, Faern. He brought an item here a long time ago which we need in our present quest.

Siegfried : [Stands up and addresses Olive] I propose that they be immediately expelled from the city. I have neither the time nor the inclination to try and extract this information from them. They have nothing but confirm all my beliefs about humans.

[Storms out.]

Clint : [Half heartedly calling out] Er, does that mean we don't get any more brandy?

Harvey : [Watches Siegfried depart] I believe he would have had the same reaction had I asked for a creme broulee! He wanted to find fault with us from the begining.

Olive : [Softly] That is not true Colonel. Compared to other species, Elves are unusually open with each other, and do not keep secrets from one another. Consequently, it is alien for us to be amongst those who do keep secrets, especially strangers who have come into our city.

Clint : So we're still gonna get laid after lunch? And drink more brandy?

Olive : That remains to be seen.

Alice : [Takes both Clint and Austin by the arm] You know, I'm [emphasises] so glad that the two of you were the ones to share this experience with me. [Kisses each of them on the cheek]

Chastity : Alice Bassett-Short! There is a time and a place for such explicit displays of affection. And this is neither! You don't want to be swamped by horny elven folk again? [To Olive] Maybe we had better go to the human quarter, before certain members of the party become distracted again. [Eyes Alice, Austin and Clint suspiciously]

Alice : Aw, come on, Chastity! If I can't be affectionate to my best friends, who can I do it with?

Olive : [Sadly to Chastity] I'm afraid it won't be possible for you to go to the human quarter without telling us why you really came to Euphoria.

Chastity : [To Olive] The artifact we seek is a wand. We hope it will help us identify the evil shapeshifters, which is crucial to our holy quest from Phili.

Harvey : As I said, our reason for coming to Euphoria was to reclaim the wand brought here by Faern. That was, and still is our intention, however, times being what they are, we have become involved in this current struggle, and have offered our help.

Olive : [Inclines her head gently to Chastity] Thank you for your frankness, Sister. The wand is almost certainly in the human quarter.

Austin : [Gives Alice a brotherly hug] Well said, Alice. Love of your fellow party member is no sin, isn't that right, Stinky? [Punches Clint on the arm as hard as he can, with the result that Clint barely notices it]

Chastity : [Glancing at Austin, Alice and Clint again. Aside to Harvey] Colonel, I'm bit worried at the behaviour of those three. Much to amicable for my liking. I mean compared to usual. [To Olive] Please tell me, does that drink you served them have any particular properties about it?

Olive : Yes. It is simply the most wonderful drink that any one has ever tasted. People often experience a new found appreciation for things and people that they take for granted upon first tasting it. Like the memory of its wonderful taste, the memory of this appreciation never quite leaves them.

Harvey : I see. [Turns to Alice] Why dearest niece, I think it's perhaps in everyones best interest if the three of you refrain from imbibing further, eh!

Alice : [Smiles knowingly at Harvey] I'm just fine, Harvey. We can get some later, right boys? [Gives each of Clint and Austin's arms a squeeze]

Clint : Of course, babe! [Pinches Alice's bum]

Harvey : [Quietly to Austin and Clint] I'll hold you directly responsible should any mishap befall my niece, understand? [Turns to Olive] If the wand is in the human quarter, then perhaps we should go there immediately after lunch. Is this possible?

Alice : [Laughs] You cheeky rascal!

Austin : Good Colonel! With Clint and I to protect her, what ill could possibly befall her? [Gives his sleaziest smile]

Olive : Of course, Colonel.

[Enter HELEN, TRISTRAM and SIEGFRIED, the first two of whom are carrying trays of food.]

Siegfried : So it is possible for you to be truthful after all. I hope you believe Olive when she told you that we Elves are always truthful, and that I have your best interests at heart when I tell you that you shouldn't waste your time in the human quarter.

Harvey : And why is that, sir? Surely they will act differently towards a fellow human, than they would towards an elf?

Siegfried : I have no doubt but that they will. However, if your intention is to persuade them to join the war effort, then you are wasting your time. Furthermore, they are very possessive of their magical items - as a human you are probably used to this - so it is unlikely that they would agree to return yours.

[The food is put out. There are steaks, chops, a soused pigs head, complete with apple, golden honeyed locusts, jellied eels, thrushes ankles, snakes feet, crispy popadoms and curried brussel sprouts.]

Alice : Excellent! [Swallows a few eels, before squirming with delight] Oh my God! That's the nicest thing I've ever tasted!

Clint : [Eating some golden honeyed locusts] I never realised how delicious these were until today! [To Harvey] Good choice Harv! [Puts some on his pockets]

Harvey : [Eyes light up when he spots the food] By the saints, what a feast fit for a king! [Bows to the elves, before scooping up a handful of locusts, munching happily] Perhaps you underestimate them, my dear sir! I'm sure the men will readily agree to join in the defence of this city, when they realise what is going on!

Siegfried : [Watching Austin firing golden honeyed locusts across the table and into Alice's mouth] I'm sure I haven't underestimated humans.

Rod : [Helping himself to a pig's ear] When can we visit these humans?

Olive : As soon as you wish.

Harvey : [Crunches loudly through a popadom] Then I think we should pay them a visit as soon as our lunch is finished! Wonderful, wonderful food, by the way!

Alice : [Gorging herself on a huge handful of snakes feet] Phili on a horse! This is the greatest meal ever served, by anyone, ever!

Chastity : [Grimacing at Alice's actions] If only the same could be said about the manner in which it is being consumed. [Daintily nibbles on a curried brussel sprout]

Clint : Only another glass of that drink could possibly be better than this marvellous food! [Picks up the apple from the pig's head, bites it, and puts it back on its place, before gorging himself on jellied eels]

Chastity : [Eagerly] If [horrible quotes] that drink [end quotes] is tea, then I could do with a cup as well, please. [Rolls up some thrushes ankles in a piece of steak, slices it nicely and pops some into her mouth, being careful to chew with her mouth closed]

Austin : [After gorging himself on the delightful honeyeyed locusts. Lights three cigarettes and offers one to Alice, and one to Clint] Nothing like a nice smoke after a good munch. [To Olive] A nice glass of your peerless brandy would complete the meal nicely, [To Alice and Clint] Another glass I think!

Rod : [Turns toward Siegfried whilst he chews on his pig's ear.] By human standards, what sort of folks are the ones living in the human quarter? I mean, don't get me wrong I'm all for making new friends, but I've mistakenly stumbled onto too many hamlets of rampaging cannibals to not be a bit cautious.

Chastity : [Nods her head, nearly says something but realises that her mouth is still full, so laboriously finishes chewing first] And do they have a localised hierarchy? Who would we be best to contact on out arrival?

Siegfried : By human standards, they appear to be quite civilised, so prepare for the worst type of rampaging cannibals. [To Chastity] The humans keep their affairs to themselves, but I believe there is a recognised leader. I will have his name for you before we bring you to them.

Helen : I shall fetch more brandy and some tea.

[Exit HELEN.]

Alice : [Gushing] Wow! Thanks Austin. [Takes an enormous drag of the cigarette, before breathing out a cloud of smoke that fills the entire room] Hey, these are excellent cigarettes, they're really, really good!

[SIEGFRIED, OLIVE and TRISTRAM cough and try to wave away some of the smoke.]

Chastity : [Produces a tea-towel from her bag to help waft away the smoke] Disgusting habit! [Coughs looks at her smokey tea-towel] Oh, my mistake, it's a tea-towel. [Puts it away again, smiling at her weak pun. Shev then pops an entire small sprout into her mouth and sits back, briefly allowing herself to revel in the mirth she has caused]

Rod : [Waves away the smoke from himself with the pig's other ear, which he also plans to eat.]

Alice : Oh, Chastity! You're so funny! [Laughs and laughs] Disgusting habit! [Laughs so hard that some milk comes down her nose]

Siegfried : [With barely concealed contempt for the party] And when do you wish to visit the human quarter.

Harvey : [Laughing long and loud] Why sister, that is just the best thing in the world! Confusing your habit with your tea towel! By the saints, just wonderful! [Wipes tears from his eyes and turns to Siegfried] I think we'll visit the quarter after this most wonderful lunch!

Clint : Yes! Unless of course Alice, Austin and me we'll share yet another glass of that liquor from heaven!

Chastity : [To Harvey] I think we'd better get going.

Alice : [Pretending to be annoyed at Clint, but her huge smile betrays this] Oh, go on then, if you're going to make such a song and dance about it, I'll go for a cheeky half glass.

Siegfried : [To Chastity and Harvey] I do not believe they should take anymore. Euphoria is not the place for intoxicated humans. If you insist on going to Mermantort, you will find that it is an entirely more appropriate place for that type of behaviour.

Olive : [By way of explanation] Mermantort is the Elven name for the human quarter.

Chastity : [To Olive] Do you know how the humans refer to the human quarter?

Olive : No. They tend not to communicate very well with Elves.

Chastity : [Stands up, to the party] Well I think we should we should head off for Mermantort. I don't think those Morcs outside will wait for the convenience of our dining requirements.

Austin : [To Olive] Disturbingly antisocial behaviour, considering the undoubted fact that, [Endearing pause] you are, most farvorable hosts. [Winks at Alice, smiling]

[ALICE doesn't reply, and just gives a foolish giggle.]

Siegfried : [Rolls his eyes] Are you ready?

Chastity : [With some urgency] Yes.

Austin : [To Siegfried] I'd say. [Does a Clint style finger gun at Siegfried] Ready when you are Siegi. [Chuckles]

Clint : Ah!, Siegi, nice one! [Point a finger gun at Austin] Click-click!

Siegfried : My name is Siegfried.

Alice : [Scolding Clint and Austin] Yes, his name is Siegfried, so don't call Siegi Siegi any more, okay?

[Exit ALL.]

[Book III, Act VIII, Scene II. The Gates of Mermantort. ALICE, AUSTIN, CLINT, CHASTITY, HARVEY and ROD are here, having been brought here by OLIVE, SIEGFRIED and HELEN.]

Olive : [Gesturing at the gateway, which is a large portcullis, leading into what appears to be a large castle] The humans are just through this gateway.

Siegfried : This is a wase of time. I suggest you forget trying to get your wand from them, and simply return home.

Chastity : [To Siegfried] You forget that we are also here to try and convince the humans to join with you elves in fighting off the Morcs. Given that the wand is of no use to us if we can't get away because of the Morcs I'd say that was our primary objective, at the moment. [Turns away, and then quickly turns back to Siegfried] And don't say that you think it'll be a waste of time.

Alice : [Looks through the portcullis] Where are the humans?

Olive : Through the other portcullis at the far end.

[This seems reasonable, as there is a tunnel leading a short distance to another one. The one near the party starts to open up.]

Siegfried : [To Chastity] This is a waste of time. [To Austin] I do not question your motives, but your actions. It doesn't matter how much you think you need that wand, the humans are unlikely to give it to you.

Harvey : It may turn out that way, but we must attempt it at any rate.

Chastity : [Watching the portcullis continue to open, to Harvey] I know that the humans and elves weren't on the best of terms, but I didn't think that the social divide would have been this extreme. I expected wire fences, roads strewn with stones and flasks, the odd burnt out cart, you know traditional boundry inner city social boundry markers. [To Olive] Will you keep this barrier open until we get through the other side?

Olive : Of course. I wish you luck.

[The party go through the portcullis, which shuts after them.]

Olive : I am sorry, but the humans insist on it.

Chastity : [Visibly dissappointed] Not as sorry as I am. So much for the superior noblilty of the elves. I didn't think you would lie so easily. [Turns and looks at the tunnel and postcullis] I hate these situations!

Olive : Oh, Chastity, please don't think that it was easy, for bearing false witness does not come easily to us.

[OLIVIA turns to go, followed by HELEN.]

Siegfried : [Impassively looking through the portcullis] Don't forget, I did try to stop you.

[From inside, it is clear that the far portcullis doesn't lead anywhere, and has a blank wall behind it.]

Clint : [Hugging Alice and Austin] Yeah Siggi, don't be so negative! Life is so short, enjoy it!

Chastity : [Looking a bit more worriedly round the tunnel] Did I say I hate these situations!

Alice : I don't remember.

[Time passes]

Alice : [To Chastity] How do you feel about these situations?

Chastity : Shush, Child. [Looks aorund the tunnel] Oh, well, no option really. [Shouts out] Hello? Any fellow humans about?

Austin : [Hugs Alice, gleefully to Chastity] Just us !

Alice : And when we've got friends, what else do we need?

[A huge trapdoor opens, sending the party sprawling through, and onto a large slide, heading downwards at speed.]

Harvey : Gah!

Austin : [To Alice as they slide] Some cheese you be nice!

Chastity : [Trying to clutch her bag whilst looking down the slide] I hate these situations!

Clint : [Struggling to hug Alice and Austin as they slide, accidently poking Alice in the eye] That would only strengthen our bounds of friendship, if that were possible!

Austin : [To Alice, whilst sliding and hugging] Did I ever tell you that you were beautiful? [Strokes Alice's hair] 'Last from Mi & Sa #14

Alice : Ow! It's okay Clint, I know it was an accident. [Pulls out some cheese that was wrapped in a cigarette paper and stuffed down her sock] Here we go!

[The party hit the bottom with a thump causing ALICE to drop her stash. The party end up in a heap in a small room with a stern looking guard, ROCK, who glares at them.]

Rod : [Climbs out from under the others and quickly extends a hand out to ROCK] Greetings! We come with nothing but the friendliest intentions!

Harvey : [Glares at Rock] I say, fellow, what sort of welcome is this, eh? Send helter skelter through a trapdoor, without any consideration for the contents of ones pockets! [Sadly picks a few broken, cracked and crushed golden honeyed locusts from his pocket, before stuffing them into his mouth]

Clint : Not to worry, Harvey!, I've kept a good few myself! [Hands some golden honeyed locusts to Harvey] [To Rod] Want some too? They're de-li-cious! Yam yam! To Rock You too, have some!

Rod : [To Clint] No thank you, comrade. My belly is overloaded with a joyful bounty of pig's ear! [Looks back over to ROCK] See? We offer food, good company, and democracy. What more could you POSSIBLY WANT!?!

Alice : [Tearing up at Clint's generosity] You know, that's one of the most beautiful things I've ever seen!

Rock : Food, good company and democracy? Are you sure that's all you brought?

Clint : No, we've also got a woman of the cloth. But she's ok, you know.

Rock : And what about this? [Picks up Alice's cheese stash]

Chastity : [Puts her hand on her hip. To Alice] I hope you can explain that? [Goes to gesture to Rock, but finds her hand is all stringy and sticky] Gah, someones stuck gum to the slide. Why do people do that?

Austin : [To Rock, requesting the stash] Allow me to demonstrate.

Alice : And when we've got friends, what else do we need?

[A huge trapdoor opens, sending the party sprawling through, and onto a large slide, heading downwards at speed.]

Harvey : Gah!

Austin : [To Alice as they slide] Some cheese you be nice!

Chastity : [Trying to clutch her bag whilst looking down the slide] I hate these situations!

Clint : [Struggling to hug Alice and Austin as they slide, accidently poking Alice in the eye] That would only strengthen our bounds of friendship, if that were possible!

Austin : [To Alice, whilst sliding and hugging] Did I ever tell you that you were beautiful? [Strokes Alice's hair] 'Last from Mi & Sa #14

Alice : Ow! It's okay Clint, I know it was an accident. [Pulls out some cheese that was wrapped in a cigarette paper and stuffed down her sock] Here we go!

[The party hit the bottom with a thump causing ALICE to drop her stash. The party end up in a heap in a small room with a stern looking guard, ROCK, who glares at them.]

Rod : [Climbs out from under the others and quickly extends a hand out to ROCK] Greetings! We come with nothing but the friendliest intentions!

Harvey : [Glares at Rock] I say, fellow, what sort of welcome is this, eh? Send helter skelter through a trapdoor, without any consideration for the contents of ones pockets! [Sadly picks a few broken, cracked and crushed golden honeyed locusts from his pocket, before stuffing them into his mouth]

Clint : Not to worry, Harvey!, I've kept a good few myself! [Hands some golden honeyed locusts to Harvey] [To Rod] Want some too? They're de-li-cious! Yam yam! To Rock You too, have some!

Rod : [To Clint] No thank you, comrade. My belly is overloaded with a joyful bounty of pig's ear! [Looks back over to ROCK] See? We offer food, good company, and democracy. What more could you POSSIBLY WANT!?!

Alice : [Tearing up at Clint's generosity] You know, that's one of the most beautiful things I've ever seen!

Rock : Food, good company and democracy? Are you sure that's all you brought?

Clint : No, we've also got a woman of the cloth. But she's ok, you know.

Rock : And what about this? [Picks up Alice's cheese stash]

Chastity : [Puts her hand on her hip. To Alice] I hope you can explain that? [Goes to gesture to Rock, but finds her hand is all stringy and sticky] Gah, someones stuck gum to the slide. Why do people do that?

Austin : [To Rock, requesting the stash] Allow me to demonstrate.

Rock : [Hands it over, looking sceptical] Go on.

Clint : Wohoo! The man's cool!

Chastity : [Looking from Austin to Rock] This should be interesting.

Austin : [Lights up a doober, take a few draws and blows some smoke rings, then hands the doober to Alice. To Alice] Honey bee, that is the sweetest smoke of the century. I believe that it deserves a place in the Queens View book of records.

Harvey : [With an even more sceptical look on his face than Rock] I must admit, Sister, I'm rather curious about this myself!

Alice : [Takes a drag and gives a satisfied sigh] Ah! Thanks Aus, but a lot of it is in the rolling too. [Passes it on to Clint]

Rock : Is that what I think it is?

Clint : Thanks beauty! [Takes a drag] [To Rock] That depends. What do you think this is?

Rock : I think it's an illegal cheese cigarette, of the type particularly frowned upon by the Elven city elders. [Holds out his hand] Is it?

Clint : [With a big smile on his cheeks, hands the dobber to Rock] As I was saying, the man's cool!

Austin : [Sigh!] What a beautiful view. Life really is great. [Makes a finger gun at Clint] Click-click! [Winks at Alice and hands her stash back to her]

Alice : Thanks Aussie! [Slips it back down her sock.]

[HARVEY says nothing, but looks in horror at CLINT, and then at ROCK.]

Rock : [Takes a huge drag of the cigarette, before letting it back out again] Well, it's not as strong as the cheese we normally see here, but it'll do. [Gives a huge smile] Welcome to Mermantort!

Austin : [To Rock] It is a pleasure to be here. Will you give us a tour? [Smiles]

Chastity : [To Harvey] Why do I get the feeling we are about to enter a den of eniquity the likes of which even Clint hasn't dreamt of. [Clutches her bag tightly]

Alice : Oh, come on, Chas! Don't be such a - [draws the outline of a square with her index fingers, and leaves an outline, a la Pulp Fiction]

Rock : Sure, I'll give you a tour, but I'll bet you want to go to Bawdy Waltons. Everyone wants to go there.

Alice : [Jumping up and down with her hand in the air] Me! Me! Me! I want to go to Bawdy Murphys! I really, really want to go! I've wanted to go to Bawdy Murphys as long as I can remember!

Rock : It's called Bawdy Waltons.

Alice : [Dismissive wave of her hand] Whatever.

Clint : Cool! Super cool! Let's go then. We've all been looking forward to some relaxing time, after all the time spent with the Elves. [Winks at Harvey] Right Harv?

Harvey : [Darkly] Let's not relax too much, Private Sleaze.

[Enter SCISSORS, a scrawny looking man with a hat that is far too small for him, who glares at ROCK.]

Scissors : What the hell are you doing? [Looks at the party] What the hell are you doing?

Rod : [Immediately steps up to explain, confident smile on his face] Why, my good sir, we were just enjoying an illegal narcotic with your welcoming committee! [Motions to ROCK] He was just about to give the lot of us a tour of your no doubt wonderful hamlet of human virtue!

Scissors : The hell he is! [To Rock] Get back there. [Points at the gate]

Rock : No, you get in!

[There is a brief stand off, and slowly SCISSORS takes up position at the gate.]

Rock : So, where would you like to see first?

Austin : [To Rock] We will leave that to your discretion sir, you seem to have an admirable command of the of the present area and staff.

Chastity : Well what are the places of interest here, apart from Bawdy Waltons.

Rock : Well, there probably isn't anywhere else. Unless...

Harvey : [Snorts] I say, perhaps you have something a little more cultural in this quarter than Bawdy Murphys. A museum, perhaps?

Rock : [Thinks for a moment] Well, there's that collection of pieces of chewing gum in the back room of Bawdy Murphys.

Alice : It's called Bawdy Waltons.

Rock : [Dismissive wave of his hand] Whatever.

Austin : [To Rock] Well that sounds just dandy. Let's go! [Does finger pistol at Alice] Click-click. Here's lookin' at you babe! [Smiles all happily. To Clint and Alice] I know we are just going to have the most fun time.

Chastity : Just as long as the main purpose of our visit isn't forgotten.

Alice : Of course we haven't forgotten! [Takes Clint and Austin by the arm so she's in the middle] What was it again?

Rock : Ha! You're going to fit right in here! [Pushes open the door of Bawdy Waltons]

[The bar is absolutely heaving with people, who seem to having a fantastic time, and are singing and carousing. It is almost impossible to see the bar, there are so many people. Just as ROCK opens the door, a girl falls out, and pukes all over the ground outside.]

Alice : [Looking in, wide-eyed] Wow! This place has class!

Clint : [Trying to push his way in] Let's go, let's go!

Chastity : [Watching Clint's feeble efforts at making headway towards the bar. To Clint] Tut, you'd think after all this time you do a bit better. [Steps over the vomiting female to the door. Shouting into the crowd] Clear the way, one handed Nun coming through!

Austin : [To Alice and Clint] Excellent, Chassers is buying the first round!

Alice : Yay! Excellent, thanks Chas!

[Slowly, and painfully, the party force their way to the front. Despite the crowds, no one seems to be trying to get served, and the barman is standing with his back to the party, talking to someone on the other side of the bar.]

Harvey : [Knocks repeatedly on the counter] I say, I say, chappie! I demand service, what!

Rod : [Somewhat ill at ease] Boy, am I sure glad none of us are claustrophobic..[Sweating profusely] Anyone like that would be near catatonic with fear when put in this sort of situation.

Clint : [To Rod] Don't be scared! Everyone here seems to share our love for life and happiness. Let's all share a drink, I'm paying!

Alice : Yay! Come on, barkeep, serve up some love!

[The barman turns and glares at the party, it is HIMO JARL.]

Himo : What the hell do you want?

Alice : [Lamely] Er, some love?

Austin : [To Himo] Hey, Himo, how are you! Good to see that you too have survived the ravages of time [Checks his nails] Unfortunatley Ms. Jarl has left our company, seeking tutalage from a learned swordmaster. [Glances around the bar] Popular place you have here, you don't happen to have any Louis XV, perchance?

Himo : I knew she would be able to stand you for very much longer. [Takes a bottle from behind the counter, and slams it down in front of Austin] First bottle's free.

Clint : [Looking from Austin to Alice] Could it be? [Picks up the bottle, opens it and smells it]

[The look on CLINT's face is enough to suggest that it most probably is.]

Harvey : [With a worried glance at Chastity] Er, steady on now, Private, let's not forget the mission.

Chastity : Quite right, Colonel. The effect one glass was enough to have Clint and Austin hugging. I don't want to think what the effect of a whole bottle would be!

Harvey : Well said, Sister. [Catches hold of the bottle] Right, troop. Business first, fun later. Last from Conor #65

Austin : [Snatches the bottle from Harvey and takes a swing] Ahhh! That is definitley the business. [Hands the bottle to Alice]

[AUSTIN tries to take the bottle, but HARVEY pulls it away.]

Harvey : Stand down, Private!

Alice : Aw, come on, Harvey! Don't be such a buzzkill!

[Some of the people around start looking at the party.]

Chastity : I think you'll find that the [annoying quotes] buzzkill [end quotes] is not the good Colonel here, but in fact the hordes of Morcs battering at the city gates with our brutal demise on their minds. That is one of our main concerns at the moment, not standing at a bar and having a bit of a jolly! [To Himo] Who is in charge of Mermantort?

Clint : [To Harvey] Why don't you try just a drink? It won't hurt, believe me! [Huge badly-disguised wink to Alice and Austin]

Himo : That would be Ralph Walton.

Alice : [Slips over to the other side of Harvey] You don't even have to drink some, just let us have it!

Harvey : [Shakes his head] Sorry dear niece, but the answer is no, no and thrice no! We need to keep our wits about us down here, not steep them in spirits! [To Himo] And where would we find this Ralph Walton?

Alice : [Clearly taken aback at Harvey] Uh, what was the second one again?

Himo : Keep up that uncool attitude, and you'll be taken to him.

[The customers around HARVEY begin to grumble, clearly not happy with his kill joy ways.]

Harvey : [To Alice] I believe it was no, dearest niece! Although it pains me to deny you even your slightest whim, it is of the utmost importance to do so!

Clint : But why Harv? We can all be happy!

[Enter PAPER, a town guard.]

Paper : What seems to be the problem here?

Chastity : [To Paper] There is no problem here. Can you take us to Ralph Walton? [Glances at the bottle of Louis XV] Ther equicker, the better. We have some business of the utmost importance to discuss with him.

Paper : There is the matter of your joy.

Chastity : [Forces a smile] Well, I'm joyful. [Gives Harvey a mock playful clap on the back] How about you, Colonel? Last from Sam #77 Austin : [To Paper] There would be considerably more joy if he [Points at Harvey] gave me back my Louis XV! [To Paper] It was daylight robbery [Appeals to the crowd] You all saw him didn't you? Stealing my Louis XV ! Dr. Dominic Job, Psychiatry, UoE, Kennedy Tower, REH, Morningside Park, Edinburgh EH10 5HF

Tel: 0131 537 6763 FAX: 0131 537 6531

Crowd : Yes, we all saw him!

Paper : [To Harvey, holding up a badge] Inspector Paper, of the Smile Police. If you continue with this behaviour, I'm going to have to arrest you on suspicion of not being intoxicated.

Harvey : Eh? [To the party] What nonsense is this chappie spouting?

Austin : [To Harvey] He makes perfect sense to me, colonel. Please return my Louis XV to me, without further delay. Or Inspector Paper might arrest you on charges of theft, sobriety and killjoy behaviour.

Chastity : [To Paper] Is this sobriety law enforced throughout Mermantort, or just in places such as this bar?

Paper : [Gives Chastity an incredulous look] Woah! Listen lady, this is no places for your aggression. Barman! Six shots of brandy. [Puts on a tough face] Justice is dispensed fast and without mercy in Merwontort.

Alice : I thought this was Mermantort?

[PAPER just glares at her.]

Austin : [To Alice] Who cares? We have been ordered to have fun and we are getting free Louis XV. What more could a girl want [Winks at Alice, smiling].

Alice : I'll tell you in a little while. [Points at Austin, gun style, making that irritating "click-click" sound, before knocking back one of the brandies]

Austin : [To Alice] Whenever you are ready [Winks and downs a brandy]

Rod : [Jumps from his barstool and attempts to grab Paper by the collar, a wild look in his eye] Don't you see!? Ralph Walton! Ralph Walton said backwards is 'Notlaw Hplar"! NOT LAW! You're being led down the slip-and-slide of oblivion by a false prophet! IT'S TOO STUFFY IN HERE! Why are you all staring at me like that!? I told you I hated crowds! [Begins openly weeping]

Harvey : You see, this man is completely, I belive the phrase is, partied out! See what all this fun and jubilation can result in? [Points at Rod] A mere shattered wreck of humankind, washed up on the great garbage heap of emotion, what! [Drops the bottle on the floor] Oops!

Austin : [Stares aghast at the broken bottle, looks at Harvey] Typical! [Folds his arms and sulks] For the first time in aeon we are offered plesant hospitality and you drop it on the floor. [To Harvey] You will of course be compensating me for the dammage you caused to my property?

Chastity : [To Harvey] Oops, you butter fingers, Colonel. I believe Austin is correct, though. Dig into your pocket and re-pay him what he spent on that bottle, which was nothing I believe.

Austin : [To Chastity, furiously] So you are claiming that if the Colonel repays me what I paid for the bottle, which is nothing, then the debt is settled?

Chastity : Oh, no. Of course not. I'm sure he should apologise for being so clumsy in the first place. After all, I'm sure it was an accident. [Looks to Harvey]

Austin : [To Chastity] So you are claiming that if the Colonel appologises then it's quits and he owes me nothing?

Chastity : Oh come on now. It was an accident between friends, was it not? What happened to all the group hugs and love from earlier?

Austin : [To Chastity, stroppily] It was quite obviously a deliberate action. You and the Colonel seem to be hell bent on disrupting and avoiding fun, group hugs and happyness.

[A hush comes over the crowd, as they gasp in shock at HARVEY's act of vandalism.]

Alice : I - I'm so shocked! I mean, it has turned me right off the mood for having sex!

Paper : [Pushes Rod off him] I know how to deal with you! [Pulls out a spray can and sprays it liberally at Rod and the others.]

Chastity : Not so. We are merely trying to provided some much needed focus to the group. The brandy drinking seems to have somewhat blurred this some members cases.

[Book III, Act VIII, Scene III. The Sitting Room. HARVEY, CHASTITY and ROD are here, waking up. This is a large room with several beanbags and other soft furnishings that they are sprawled around on. There are a number of lava lamps dotted around the room, and the smell of cheese hangs heavy in the air. All three are dressed in tie-dyed outfits, and are wearing various love beads. HARVEY and CHASTITY have flowers painted on their faces, while ROD is also wearing a bandana. There is no sign of their clothes, although there is a blanket on one side of the room, covering something large.]

Harvey : [Sitting up] Gah! What's going on? [Looks around the room] By the saints!

Austin : [Pokes his head out from under the blanket] I hate it when this happens [Examines his body parts to check that they are all there and tattoo free etc. Looks around for some clothes. To Harvey] Are there any spare clothes around anywhere Colonel?

Clint : [From underneath the blanket] Keep it down, some people are trying to sleep in here! [Sticks his head out of the blanket] What's going on here? [Sees Austin] Gah!

Harvey : Clothes? [Gives a shiver] There appear to be some gowns and some - [look of horror comes over his face] who else is underneath that blanket?

Harvey : [Mouth drops open in shock] Eh? [Thinks for a moment] You know, I almost wish that Alice was under there.

Alice : [Popping up from beneath the blanket, looking sleepy] Hey, everyone.

Harvey : Gah!

Chastity : [Looking around, holding her head] This is precisely the place I thought that brandy would lead to! Oh, my behind! I wish I had a left hand to ease it with! [Awkwardly tries to rub with her right hand} know, I

Harvey : Good Sister, I would have hoped that nothing in this or any world could have lead to - to this! [Waves at the three heads popping out from under the blanket]

Chastity : Well at least we're all here together. [Glances at Austin, Clint and Alice]Although some of us do seem to be a bit too together! I'm not sure if I'm relieved or horrified. [Looks between Alice and Clint, with a look of simultaneous look of realisation and horror] Tell me you didn't.

Alice : [Indignantly] Of course we didn't! [Rolls her eyes] Tut!

[Short pause.]

Alice : [Whispers to Clint] Didn't what?

Clint : [To Alice] Click-click!

Austin : [Stands up making no attempt to cover him self up. Walks over and gets three gowns and drops one beside Alice and one beside Clint. To Chastity] Another fine mess you've got us into [Sniggers. To Alice] Is there any cheese left? [Examines Maplin, smiles and then puts on a gown]

Alice : [Deep sigh] You know, I promised myself this wouldn't ever happen again.

Harvey : [Horrified] Again! God Lord, niece, how can you make jokes like that at a time like this, having woken up with two men, [somewhat hopefully] wearing little more than your pyjamas!

Clint : [Looking under the blanket] Sorry to disappoint you Harv, but... [Pause] I suppose I better go and get dressed.

Chastity : [In a helpful tone] Well I suppose that blanket IS a little more than her pyjamas!

Austin : [Looks at Chastity, then Harvey] Oh,, I thought you were refering to the smiley face I drew on her bum. [Looks around for some cheese, casualy]

Harvey : Okay, everyone cover their eyes while Alice gets up!

[HARVEY covers his eyes, while everyone else watches ALICE struggle with the dressing gown, before eventually getting it back on.]

Alice : Er, it's okay, everyone, you can look now. Nice flowers, Chastity. Anyone got any water? I've got a really strange taste in my mouth.

Harvey : Eh? At least things aren't gone completely crazy - Private Sleaze still makes no sense.

[There is a small amount of parmesan, carelessly spilled on top of a Play Station along with some discarded cheeseratte papers.]

Austin : [After a pause to watch Alice get dressed. Swifty constructs a doober] Anyone got a light?

Alice : Sure, there's one in my... [looks around] Hey! Where's all our stuff?

Harvey : It would appear that our kit has been stolen while we were unconscious, and my fine linen shirt was replaced with [gestures in disgust at his tie dye shirt] this rag! [Loudly] I say, a mans shirt is his castle, and should never be removed without permission!

Alice : [Defensively] I didn't take it off him! [Looks at Austin and Clint] Them! [Looks back at Harvey] What?

Harvey : It would appear that our kit has been stolen while we were unconscious, and my fine linen shirt was replaced with [gestures in disgust at his tie dye shirt] this rag! [Loudly] I say, a mans shirt is his castle, and should never be removed without permission!

Alice : [Defensively] I didn't take it off him! [Looks at Austin and Clint] Them! [Looks back at Harvey] What?

Austin : [Hunts around for a light/lighter. To Harvey] How can you be sure that you didn't take your own shirt off, Colonel.

Harvey : Don't be so ridiculous, Private! Why on earth would I remove a shirt made of the finest silk to put on ... [holds the shirt distastefully] this?

[AUSTIN finds a toaster, which he uses to light the cigarette.]

Alice : Mm. Toasted cheese cigarette.

Austin : [Takes a few drags, blows some smoke rings] Hmmm. Nice [Smokes some more and hands the doober to Alice] So, what'll we do today? [Looks around the room] Appart from shopping for new clothes of course.

Chastity : [Still awkwardly trying to rub her left buttock] I can see why the elves don't see eye to eye with the humans. Enforced hedonism isn't exactly a welcome practice. [To Austin] For once I agree with you. [Fingers her type-dye top] This flim-flam boot nick gear is not the fitting thing for a lady of the cloth.

Austin : [To Chastity] It's no lesser garment than that which you usually adorn yourself with.

Chastity : It is much lesser. The Church of Phili's official clothing has rigid specifications of appearance and discomfort, of which these soft, comfortable items meet none.

Alice : How about humiliation? Because there's a big hole in the back of your pants.

[This is, of course, entirely untrue.]

Harvey : [Standing at the window] Gah! Everywhere I look, I see debauchery!

Alice : But Uncle Harvey, you're looking at us!

Harvey : [Walks to the door and tries the handle] Certainly a visit to the towns tailor is in order! And a rather large breakfast! By the saints, I'm as famished as a new born lamb! Mmm, lamb. [The door opens just as HARVEY puts his hand on the handle. Enter POSTIN HOURS, with a big smile on his face.]

Postin : Hey, H-Man! [Points both his index fingers at him] You surfies sure do know how to Par - tae! [Looks passed him to Chastity] Click-click!

Chastity : [Looks at Postin for a couple of moments, and then to Clint] Please tell me that's not the same clicking noise you use.

Austin : [To Chastity] Clint's clicking is definitely lower pitched.

Alice : In tone or meaning?

Postin : [Does a little shuffle to bring himself closer to Chastity] Hey there, O Most Inappropriately Named Beautiful Creature, how're you doin'?

Chastity : [Does a little shuffle to take herself further away from Postin] I am most disoriented and concerned. Are you in some way responsible for my current discomfort?

Postin : Oh, baby! I sure hope I am!

Chastity : Well I have no recollection of what happened. If your suggestions are to be believed, your morals are obviously not above interfering with woman under the influence. [Self consciously fiddles with her tie-dye t-shirt. To Postin] Where are we anyway?

Postin : [Laughs aloud] Ha! You are just so bad sister - how do you think I feel having been interfered with by a woman under the influence? [Does a few pelvic thrusts] You're at home, of course!

Alice : [Whispering to Austin] He seems nice!

Clint : [With a surprised look on his face, to Chastity] Chassers, I never knew!

Chastity : {looking a bit upset. To Clint Neither did I. [To Postin] Home? Your place or mine? [Puts hand to head as she realises what she's said]

Harvey : Neither, Private, did Sister Chastity, I'll wager!

[Enter BASH FLANNAGAN, dressed in normal, every day clothes, holding a notebook, and writing in it.]

Bash : In this critic's view, the party from Queens View have opened in Mermantort with a winner. Their party was so great it made me want to come in my pants. Get there before you find yourself outside the greatest social revolution since those hookers from Delerium arrived. [Looks up from his notebook at the party, beaming] You guys are hot, hot, hot!

Postin : Oh, Sister! Behave!

Bash : [To Clint] You sir, are a star! [To Austin] You sir, are a star! [To Rod] You sir, are a star! [To Harvey] You sir, are a star! [To Chastity and Alice] You ladies [wiggles his eyebrows seductively] are welcome in my house, any time! [Runs his pen through his teeth, with a seductive growl]

Chastity : [To Bash] Why are you descibing us as some sort of performance act? Have you been a witness to what happened to us? [Blanches ] Have many people been witness?

Austin : [To Chastity] I hope so, however, if anyone has missed it I'm sure we could have another party. [Inspects his nails briefly]

Bash : Did any one see it? They were queueing around the block! There was a nervous tension in the air, such was the antici [pause] pation!

Clint : Sounds like my kind of party, especially because I can't remember anything!

Postin : Oh, baby! Maybe this will jog your memory? [Makes a few whipping sounds]

[ALICE blushes, and rubs her backside.]

Bash : I for one am counting the days until your house is ready for the next show. I'm going to be first in the queue!

Austin : [To Bash, casually] You didn't happen to notice where our belongings, clothes etc, got to, did you? whipping

Bash : Clothes? I know not of clothes! I have my minds on altogether seedier things.

Harvey : Er, well, do you remember seeing us - I mean, certain members of the troop, removing clothes.

[BASH goes dreamy for a second.]

Bash : Well, I seem to remember you two [points at Austin and Clint] leaving your huge dog suit in the kitchen.

Harvey : Dog suit? What on earth, or should I say, inner earth is going here? [Scratches at a sideburn] Hmmm, obviously we've been drugged and forced to behave in some bizarre manner! Once again, we've been someone elses sport!

Bash : True! [Applauds Harvey] Absolutely true - but it was [points at Harvey] you who was the ring leader! With a timeless grace, elegance and just a soupcon of aggression. Marvellous!

Harvey : Just what are you blathering on about man? [Dreamy look crosses his face] Mmm, soup! By the saints lads, I'm famished! Where's breakfast?

Rod: [Wearing dog suit] Look, I know this demands explanation. I woke up and my clothes were gone, but a new set had been..Eh..'painted' onto my body. Seeing no other choice have have commandeered this cainine attire. However, I seemed to have blacked out and can't remember anything after entering the bar. Were we attacked by some memory sucking alien leeches? Because if so, I'll go boil the oil for us to drink to get rid of them. Nothing stops memory sucking leeches like hot oil down the gullet. [Nods in self-agreement]

Harvey : Well, good sir knight, I'm sure we'd all remember if we had been attacked my memory sucking leeches! But, I must admit, the last thing I remember is an ugly scene in the bar, when I dropped that bottle!

Rod : [Takes the bandana off his head, puts the head of the dog costume over it instead] Seems somewhat excessive to striken people with mind leeches simply for breaking a bottle, Colonel.

Alice : The last thing I remember is the ugly scene of you dropping the bottle, Harvey! [Finishes the cheeseratte, and puts it into an open beer can]

[Enter MYSTERIOSA, ARCHIBALD and MEECH and MONG, the latter pair being Siamese twins. MYSTERIOSA is dressed on oriental robes, while ARCHIBALD appears to be a fully grown man wearing a baby suit.]

Archibald : [Somewhat pitifully] Archie did a no-no! [Holds his arms up, as though expecting a hug]

Austin : [Looks at Archibald, then at the twins, then at Mysteriosa] Hello. [Looks expectantly at Mysteriosa] Who are you?

Mysteriosa : [Waves her hands in front of her face, in an unconvincing effort to look mysterious] I am the mysterious Mysteriosa! Resident philosopher of the Twenty Two Hour Party People.

[ARCHIBALD gives a loud fart, and squirms with discomfort.]

Archibald : [To Chastity] Are you my Momma?

Chastity : I am most certainly not. Maybe she [gestures to Mysteriosa] is your mummy. [sniffs] Have you just soiled yourself?

Archibald : Oh no, I did that ages ago.

Chastity : [Sniffs again and grimaces] Ah. [Takes a step away from Achibald, but unfortunately next to Clint, Sniffs again and grimaces] Ah! [Moves closer to Harvey. To Mysteriosa] Why only the Twenty Two Hour Party People? What about the other two hours?

Mysteriosa : [Does her "mysterious" hand waving again] We're not savages, you know, we do need to get some sleep.

Bash : [To Chastity] Oh! Suits you Madam! Twenty Four hours? That's the way it used to be, until the unions got involved.

Austin : [To Harvey] I don't think that these people can assist us in our misson.

Rod : [Seems positively crestfallen, and whilst in the dog suit somehow finds it applicable to let out a soft whine] Much as I hate to admit fault at the hands of a sub-species, perhaps the elves were right about these people after all?

Meech : What mission is that? Is it -

Mong : Finding Cheese? Because -

Meech : We do so love cheese -

Mong : And think it's about time we were given some.

Clint : [With a look of guilt on his face] I suppose you're right, Rod. [Lightens up] Then again, a little cheese never hurt anyone!

Alice : [Stepping back to avoid being smacked by one of Mysteriosa's infeasibly large breasts] What do you mean Rod? Do you think these people are freaks or something? You know, they're human too, and if you claim that there is something bad or stupid about them, [points at Rod] then that means there's something bad or stupid about us too. [Gets her finger tangled up in her hair] Bad dog!

Harvey : A little cheese, maybe!

Bash : [Takes Clint by the arm] Ah! The devil may care attitude of a latter day Rat Packer, that breathes fresh air into the stale party scene. Where is this cheese you speak of? And don't forget, a little Louis lubricates! anyone!

Rod : [Points finger, shakes it liberally] But, thats just what they WANT you to think! Everyone knows the sweet, refreshing, relaxing, 'flavour de fromage' is really just a smoke screen for the suble brainwashing of the common man! You think those cheesemakers really care about you or your health!? HUH!? HUH!?!

Harvey : [Lets out a sigh of relief] Well said, that man! [Goes to clap Rod on the back, but thinks better of it, and tickles one of his dog ears instead]

[The party people all look shocked at ROD.]

Bash : I've seen some shock tactics in my time, but the script presented tonight made me want to puke!

Rod : [Tries to resist, but can't help shaking his leg in response] Script? What script? I haven't been drugged and put in one of 'those' movies again have I? Oh geez, last time I had to slay a whole village of pornographers just to keep my person from appearing on the cover of Playmaiden Magazine. Gruesome stuff, really. [Looks around, eyes widening] But, perhaps I've said too much? Eh, where are those mind leeches?

Meech : Mind Leeches? First there's -

Mong : No cheese, and now -

Meech : We're going to be leeched.

Postin : Hold on, folks, let's all calm down. Let's be cool. [To the party in general] Come on, guys, where's the cheese stashed? [Points at Austin and Clint, and winks] I know you guys have some!

Clint : [Looks at Austin, surprised] Really? And you never told me!

Alice : Aw, Austin, what's the big secret? [Looks guiltily at the beer can in which she extinguished the cheeseratte]

Austin : [To Clint] Well, there wsa some on top of the playstation, but we just smoked that. [Muses] Perhaps if we could find our clothes, there will be some there. [Looks around] Has anyone seen our clothes?

Rod : More importantly, has anyone seen my veritable melee arsenal? I mean, it will be quite difficult to induce wanton violence without it, and what purpose is a knight if not the induction of wanton violence?

Austin : [To Rod] Err, I thought it was more about chivalrously rescuing fair maidens who's lives are in mortal danger, from monsters, dragons and the like?

Alice : Not to mention the smugglers and strangers with beards!

Bash : [Getting annoyed] I've already searched your clothes. They're clean. Well, not exactly clean [glances at Clint] but drug free.

[Some of the party people are starting to look a little uncomfortable with all this talk of drug free.]

Rod : [To Austin] Well, I certainly can't save them with diplomacy and good manners can I? No sir, it's all about the violence and massive bloodletting! [To party people] Now then, seeing as we do not possess any of the diary-based opiates you desire, might we collect our things and be on our way?

Austin : [To Rod] Yes, I know, but you are not supposed to say that. You are supposed to be all gleaming armor and dashing, not sweat, blood and guts. [Casually] People know about reality all too well, what they want are dreams and fantasies. [Muses] You see it in the courts all the time, I once helped a lady get a divorce once, on account of her husband, Sir Lambert, falsely claiming to be knight, when he didn't even own a suit of armor, or a horse! [Spots a mirror and checks his hair carefully] I could use a shower. [To Bash] Where were our clothes when you searched them? Perhaps that would be a good place to start looking for some more cheese.

Rod : [To Austin, somewhat sheepishly] But, I don't have a horse..Or my armor..[Begins openly weeping] OH GOD! THEY'VE TAKEN MY KNIGHTHOOD! MY LIFE IS OVER!

Austin : [To Rod] You certainly have a dramatic flavour to your character. [Pauses] However, I wouldn't worry about loosing your knighthood, it was only a court after all. I could just as easily had the lady burned at the stake for treason, had her husband hired me first. [Paces casually to wards Bash. To Rod] You see, the court of law is very like religon, except that the former is more honest, [Pauses] you can argue any point you want and win, if it suits your goal.

Chastity : [Muttering] What blasphemous nonsense. [To Bash] Could you direct us to our clothes please?

Rod : [To Austin, whilst sniffling] Of course I have a flair for the dramatic! Despite losing my accounterments, the soul of a knight still courses through this veins! [To party people, looking somewhat more somber now] Now, back to the issue at hand. I think we've been rather patient with you, but my heart aches for my knightly possessions and my groin itches from this suit, which I assume must have been fashioned with nothing short of REAL dog hair.

Bash : Either that or you had sex with Mysteriosa last night.

Mysteriosa : [Points and winks at Rod] Click-click!

Postin : [Flaps a hand at Rod] Be on your way? But this is your house! You know, I must say, I'm very disappointed to be treated this way.

Rod : [To Bash] Any intercourse I had whilst under the influence of the mind leeches is completely null and void! [To Mysteriosa] 'Click-click'? What's that supposed to mean? I'm not 'firing blanks' am I? Damn that groin punching dwarf! [To Postin] Anyway, there is NO POSSIBLE WAY this is our home, we haven't been here more than a day.

Clint : [To Postin] You see, our 22 hours finished about 10 minutes ago, we do need our 2 hours rest now. So please, off you go, come back in 1 hour and 50 minutes for more fun! [Pause] But please leave some cheese before you go. [Guilty look at Chastity] As a sort of nightcap!

Postin : Oh, baby, who's got a hangover from hell today! [To the party people] Come on, let's blow this joint.

Mysteriosa : [To Rod] It's not the mind leech you need to worry about. [Licks her lips]

[ALICE shivers involuntarily as the party people leave, so there is just BASH left.]

Bash : A promising start, ruined by a poor finish and two dimensional characters.

Harvey : [To Bash] You there, chappie! How long have we been in the town? What's the news on the siege?

Bash : I have no knowledge of how long you were in the town. I am too busy, zipping form party to party. [Turns to go]

Alice : What about the siege?

Bash : Siege? What siege is that? The siege that you and your fellow killjoys have laid upon our way of life?

Harvey : Stuff and nonsense! The Morc siege, of course!

Bash : Morcs? This sprawling, disconnected and simply illogical storyline is as frustrating as it is boring. I am leaving before I fall asleep or kill myself.

[Exit BASH]

Clint : That was weird, even for my standards. What was that all about?

Chastity : I don't think he believed us. Obviously there self-indulgent culture here has just concentrated their vision of the world internally, and the people here have no inkling what is going on outside their walls. This makes it even more imperative we see the leader, Ralph Walton.

Harvey : Indeed, Sister, he may be able to shed some light on this matter.

Alice : [Sniggers to Austin] Chastity just said penetrative.

Harvey : Niece! I can see that being in Mermantort has had a sudden, dramatic and unwelcome effect on you!

[Someone's voice can be heard from the next room, calling out "hello". Enter ANDY SPEC, into this room.]

Andy : Um, hello? [Rubs his temples] Ah, at last I've found you. You've given me such a headache with all this searching for you.

Chastity : Really? That party critic had us under the impression that the whole town, except us, knew where we were. Why were you searching for us?

Andy : [Gravely] There has been a [quickly swaps his glasses so he's now wearing dark shades] complaint about drug abuse in this house.

Chastity : [Cagely] Would that complaint be about the high level drug abuse or the lack of drug abuse.

Andy : Why, the total lack of drug abuse, of course!

Austin : [Winks at Alice] Would that be a lack of penetrative or non-penetrative drug use?

Clint : [Making fake glasses with his hands, to Austin] Why, total lack of penetrative drug use, of course!

Andy : [Slightly disturbed by Clint] Er, both. Or none, depending on how you look at it. I'm afraid we're going to have to search the house. Ransack all your belongings and generally trash the place. [Pause] If that's okay.

Austin : [To Andy] We appear to have disasterously run out of drugs, and we require your assistance in procuring more, and adequate supplies of, for the forseeable future, as the case may be, for our use hereof and herebye, at this momenet and from now on, drugs. [Smirks]

Andy : Well -

[From without comes the sound of someone smashing open a door.]

Andy : Oh dear. The others are here. I'm afraid that unless you've already made provisions, we will have to arrest you all, throw you in jail and beat you up.

Alice : Hey! That's just not right!

Andy : [Switches to a pair of reading glasses] Oh, I see. Sorry about that. [Smiles nervously at the party] We'll beat you, arrest you and then throw you in jail.

Austin : [To Andy] I take it that you have the necessary warrant for our arrest, signed, by the relevant authorities, in octuplet, countersigned by the relevant authorities, authorised by the aforementioned authorities, the mayor, the judge to the highcourt and the council, [Takes a quick breath] And the correct, authorised warrant for entering and search of this premisies, signed, by the relevant authorities, in octuplet, countersigned by the relevant authorities, authorised by the aforementioned authorities, the mayor, the judge to the highcourt and the council, and, further to this, proof that we are indeed the owners of this establishment?

Clint : [To Andy] Yeah!

Alice : [Adopts an aggressive stance beside Clint and Austin] Yeah!

Andy : [Takes off his glasses and mops them] Er, well, not exactly.

Chastity : We contest this. Take us to Ralph Walton immediately! Preferably missing out the beating, arresting and throwing in jail bits!

Austin : [To Andy] So, you are accepting full resposiblity to any damages caused to this property, and any damages, physical, psychological, or otherwise, caused to members of the party, as seen here present, and undertake to compesate us and the owners of this property, them being us or otherwise, fully and without delay or conditions, dependant or indepentant. [Austin notes all of this down on a huge wad of lagal looking papers. To Andy] Sign here please. [Points to a place onthe document] And here and here [Point to two other places]

Andy : [Meekly] Er, okay. [Takes the wad]

[Enter ROCK.]

Andy : They've asked me to sign a form accepting all repsonsibility.

Rock : Show me. [Takes the wad, and glances at it for a second] Who wrote this?

Austin : [To Rock] And what concern is it of yours? I thought you people loved to party?

Rock : It's because I love to party that scum like you offend me so much. [Throws the wad of paper on the ground and urinates on it]

Alice : [Quietly to the others] Hey! Suddenly he doesn't seem quite so much fun any more.

Austin : [To Rock] Well mister, we love to party too, and you are putting one huge downer on us, so why don't you take your bad vibes elsewhere and leave us to find some more drugs and parties in peace? [Looks at the playstation]

Rock : Shut your mouth! [Grabs Austin by the shoulder, and slams him onto the ground, clearly getting ready to handcuff him] > Last from Conor #98 > > Rock : Shut your mouth! [Grabs Austin by the shoulder, and slams him > onto > the ground, clearly getting ready to handcuff him]

Austin : [Screaming at the top of his voice] Help! We're being attacked, help!

Chastity : [To Austin] No,no it's just you. We're all fine. [Looks round at the group members standing around] Leave that playstion alone, Alice. You've had all the cheese from it![Looks back at the struggle, and sighs] Oh, well. [To Rock] You there, stop that. He was only presenting you with the honesty of the law! Unhand him this instant.

Alice : Help! Help! Police! [Thinks for a moment] Hey! You are the police!

Rock : [Leans on Austin so he can't escape] We are here to help. [Calls out] Scissors! Get the hell in here. [Calmly] Mr. Paper, could you come in too, please?

Rod : [Begins growling loudly inside the dog suit and begins to approach Rock] Take your hands off my legal representation right now, or you're going to have a rabid dog on your hands, perhaps on your back, if I can manage the climb.

Rock : [Snaps a pair of handcuffs on Austin, before turning to Rod] You're all under arrest.

[Enter SCISSORS and PAPER.]

Chastity : [Picks up a lava lamp, brandishing the bottle part like a club. To the guards] Don't come near me. I'm a lady!

Rod : Fear not all, I shall take care of these drug frenzied heathens with all the fury a Doberman / Schnauzer mix can muster! [Puts up his furry dukes]

Alice : [In surprise, to Rod] Hey! We're the drug frenzied heathens! [Looks back to Rock] Oh, I see.

Rock : [Draws his sword] Down, boy.

Scissors : [Draws his sword, before turning to Paper] Hurry up! Draw your sword!

Paper : [Pulling out his weapon] Yes, sir, Mr. Scissors, sir.

Rod : [Stops] Hm, that certainly alters the situation. Um, I'm supposing you wouldn't let me have a sword too, make this fair? No? Alright then..[Sighs, and then slowly drops to the floor and lies on his back, exposing his belly]

Alice : [Peers over at Rod] You know, that's probably the most revealing dog suit I've ever seen.

Paper : [To Rock] I'm sick of listening to her, put her in cuffs.

[ROCK obliges.]

Alice : [Tries to speak] Mm-mmpf!

Harvey : [Angrily] I say, take those shackles off my niece this instant! What a liberty you are taking, sir! Be about your own business and we will be about ours! [Points to Rod and lowers his voice] Got to bring this poor fellow to the V...to the V. E. T.

Austin : [Shouts] This is an outrage! We are innocent party lovers just trying to have some fun! And you kill joys come in here and spoil all of the fun. Don't you have procedures? Where are your warrants? Where are your drugs?

Clint : And where are our weapons?

Rod : Yes, where are they!? Are they safe?!

Austin : [Screaming at the top of his voice] Help! We're being attacked, help! > Last from Conor #98 > > Rock : Shut your mouth! [Grabs Austin by the shoulder, and slams him > onto > the ground, clearly getting ready to handcuff him]

Austin : [Screaming at the top of his voice] Help! We're being attacked, help!

Chastity : [To Austin] No,no it's just you. We're all fine. [Looks round at the group members standing around] Leave that playstion alone, Alice. You've had all the cheese from it![Looks back at the struggle, and sighs] Oh, well. [To Rock] You there, stop that. He was only presenting you with the honesty of the law! Unhand him this instant.

Alice : Help! Help! Police! [Thinks for a moment] Hey! You are the police!

Rock : [Leans on Austin so he can't escape] We are here to help. [Calls out] Scissors! Get the hell in here. [Calmly] Mr. Paper, could you come in too, please?

Rod : [Begins growling loudly inside the dog suit and begins to approach Rock] Take your hands off my legal representation right now, or you're going to have a rabid dog on your hands, perhaps on your back, if I can manage the climb.

Rock : [Snaps a pair of handcuffs on Austin, before turning to Rod] You're all under arrest.

[Enter SCISSORS and PAPER.]

Chastity : [Picks up a lava lamp, brandishing the bottle part like a club. To the guards] Don't come near me. I'm a lady!

Rod : Fear not all, I shall take care of these drug frenzied heathens with all the fury a Doberman / Schnauzer mix can muster! [Puts up his furry dukes]

Alice : [In surprise, to Rod] Hey! We're the drug frenzied heathens! [Looks back to Rock] Oh, I see.

Rock : [Draws his sword] Down, boy.

Scissors : [Draws his sword, before turning to Paper] Hurry up! Draw your sword!

Paper : [Pulling out his weapon] Yes, sir, Mr. Scissors, sir.

Rod : [Stops] Hm, that certainly alters the situation. Um, I'm supposing you wouldn't let me have a sword too, make this fair? No? Alright then..[Sighs, and then slowly drops to the floor and lies on his back, exposing his belly]

Alice : [Peers over at Rod] You know, that's probably the most revealing dog suit I've ever seen.

Paper : [To Rock] I'm sick of listening to her, put her in cuffs.

[ROCK obliges.]

Alice : [Tries to speak] Mm-mmpf!

Harvey : [Angrily] I say, take those shackles off my niece this instant! What a liberty you are taking, sir! Be about your own business and we will be about ours! [Points to Rod and lowers his voice] Got to bring this poor fellow to the V...to the V. E. T.

Austin : [Shouts] This is an outrage! We are innocent party lovers just trying to have some fun! And you kill joys come in here and spoil all of the fun. Don't you have procedures? Where are your warrants? Where are your drugs?

Clint : And where are our weapons?

Rod : Yes, where are they!? Are they safe?!

Alice : [To Austin] Hey! How come you can speak? You've got handcuffs on too!

Rock : [Leans in close to Austin] What the hell kind of fun can you have without drugs? I suppose you've got a [sarcastically] natural high! We don't need no stinking procedures, and we don't need no stinking warrants, we just need an over inflated sense of self esteem.

Alice : I suppose you get that from drugs?

Rock : Nope, from these babies. [Lifts his jacket to show Alice that he has what appears to be a gun]

Paper : Take it easy, Rock. [To Clint] I have no idea where your weapons are, but, knowing your type they are probably put carefully away upstairs, rather than sold off cheaply for drugs, like any normal person would do.

Chastity : [Putting down the lava lamp bottle] Well, normal here anyway. Where are you going to take us?

Austin : [To Rock] Why don't you just give us some drugs and save yourself the paper work and trouble of draggin us off to the cells. We can have a party right here. In fact, I'll swap you this house for a big stack of drugs. How does that sound to you? [Wrigges on the floor a bit, to check Maplin's welfare]

Rock : [Snorts with derision at Chastity] Andy just told you, we're going to arrest you, beat you and then throw you in jail.

Paper : Don't be stupid, he said we're going to throw them in jail, then arrest them and then beat them.

Scissors : Aw, for crying out loud! He said we're going to beat them, then arrest them and then beat them.

[The three continue to bicker.]

Andy : [To Austin] I'm afraid it's too late now. Trying to arrange to purchase drugs after being arrested just isn't good enough.

Clint : Can we have them for free then? This message is in MIME format. The first part should be readable text, while the remaining parts are likely unreadable without MIME-aware tools. Send mail to mime@docserver.cac.washington.edu for more info.

Rod : [To Rock] If I might be so kind, surely you can't expect to adaquately beat us up with one of your hands restrained holding your sword. Why not let me hold onto it for you, just for the time being? Come on, you can trust me, I'm man's best friend!

Austin : [To Andy] But I have tried to purchase drugs from you and you haven't officially arrested me yet.

Rock : [To Rod] How about I stick it in your stomach for safe keeping?

Andy : [Exasperated] If you would all just shut up for two minutes, I would arrest you! Give me a chance.

[OZZY tightens his grip on CLINT.]

Clint : [To Ozzy] Hey man, take it easy! I would love to party again like last night, but these guys want to arrest us! Can't you do anything about it?

Ozzy : [Lets go of Clint, and steps back] No! What? Why? Why? [Shakes his fist at the sky] Why!

Clint : Yes! They want to arrest us. I don't know. I don't know. [Shakes his fist at the sky] I don't know!

Ozzy : Aw, reek. [To Chastity] What about you, Sunflower? Do you know why? [Sits down, cross-legged beside Austin] You know, guy, that doesn't look like a really comfortable position. [Scratches Rod's stomach] stomach

Rod : [Leg invariably begins shaking again] GAH! I'm losing my humanity in this place! Someone PLEASE give me a weapon lusting for sweet bloodshed! Or, at the very least, a milkbone?

Chastity : [To Harvey] Looking around, Colonel, I hate to say that I think Siegfried was correct all along. [To Ozzy] Did you know there is a horde of Morcs outside the city walls, hell bent on desroying everything inside. [pauses] including all the drugs.

Andy : [Irritated, to Ozzy] Look, who are you? What are you doing here? Can you give me even one reason why we should arrest you?

Ozzy : [Holds a hand up to Ozzy] Hey man, you're harshing my buzz - I'm their dealer.

Ozzy : [Turns from Andy to face Chastity] No, I did not know that.

Harvey : Gah! What use have we for a card player at a time like this? [To Alice] What do I say about gamblers, Niece?

Alice : [Wearily] That they're the scum of the earth, gambling not only with their money, but with their eternal souls, too.

Austin : [To Ozzy] Did you manage to get all the drugs we ordered? [Nods towards Andy] These guys here play some really mean party games, I'm not sure I like them [Looks at Harvey] Who invited them anyway? [To Andy] And why did you come to our party without drugs? How rude! [To Rock] Would you get off me now, please. [Wriggles a bit trying to get Maplin away from Rock]

Harvey : Confounded if I know, Private!

Andy : But, but we do have stuff with us! [Waves his cake of Gouda at Austin]

[ROCK steps back from AUSTIN, but leaves the handcuffs on him.]

Rock : [To Ozzy] What did they order?

Ozzy : [With a smile, takes out a handful of small black pills, each about the size of a marble, from his pocket] Revs!

[The cops all give a gasp of awe.]

Chastity : [Gesturing towards the drugs] What else would a lady of the cloth take in her mouth than a rev?

[For a few seconds, no one says anything.]

Andy : [Clears his throat] A-ahem! I suppose, under the circumstances, that we could forego the arrest and beating up. Especially if you're going to be taking some revs, isn't that right, lads?

[The other three all nod and agree noisily.]

Ozzy : [To the party] And that, my friends, is why everyone in Mermantort hates cops. Did I say hate? I meant, love! [Makes as though to throw a rev into Chastity's mouth, clearly waiting for her to open up]

[CHASTITY opens her mouth, but, to her obvious surprise, OZZY places it in, rather than throwing it in.]

Alice : Wow! He almost got his whole hand in there!

Chastity : [Choking in surprise for a moment] Cough, cough. [pauses] Fizzy! [Tries to smile to the guards, but dosen't quite manage to lose the look of worry] See?

Alice : Hey look! Her teeth are gone all black!

[This is true, it looks like there is ink of some description on her lips.]

Andy : Well, that's one less to arrest. Who's next?

Clint : [To Andy and the rest of the cops] Well we've clearly proven that we're not guilty, so please leave now and let our private party continue. [To Ozzy] Can you believe these people? Ruining our party like this! [To the cops] Leave! Leave! Shush!

Chastity : [Still clearly in shock at taking the pill. To Alice] Really, must clean it up. [Quickly scans round for a mirror] I know, a disk. [Opens the playstation, taking out a disk marked "paroopa the rapoor" and turns it over to view herself] By Phili, not just my teeth, my whole face! [Tries to rub her face with her left hand, which isn't there] Blast!

Ozzy : [To Clint] Yeah, what a downer. [Draws out a circle in the air, then pretends to do two dots for the eyes, before drawing a big frown for the mouth]

Andy : Look, it's really quite simple. If you take the revs, then I'll accept that you had ordered them before we came in. If you don't take them, I'll have to believe that those of you who didn't are drug free and will have to arrest you. If you want to take them later on, I'll still have to bring you down to the station and hold you until such time as you're no longer sober, and if you want to pretend you're going to take them, I'll bring you down to the station and beat you up once we realise you're lying to us. Unless, of course, you just wait a little longer than we anticipate so that - [shouts] Hey! That's not simple at all! In fact, it's needlessly complicated! [Puts on his thinking glasses] Anyone of you who doesn't take one in the next two minutes will be arrested.

Alice : What about Chastity? Does she have to take a second one?

Andy : Gibber!

Rod : [Sighs and sits on his knees, balancing himself up with his hands. Somehow, the tail attached to the back of the suit begins to wag] Well, if it'll keep me out of prison. [Opens mouth, closes one eye, but leaves the other open a sliver just in case]

Austin : [To Andy] As you can probably appreciate it is unplesant to take a rev whilst handcuffed, as some of the fun has already been had, so could you uncuff me please and hand me a rev, [Disturbingly calmly] We have a party starting.

Andy : You know, I'm glad you're all being so cool about this. [Pops one into Rod's mouth, while Rock frees Austin.] Here you go. [Hands over the pill] You know, some people prefer to leave the cuffs on.

[ALICE says nothing, but whistles nonchalantly.]

Alice : I'll go for one too. Although, I'm usually quite fussy about putting foreign objects into my mouth, I'm sure if Chastity's doing it, there won't be any problem.. [Opens up, and Andy pops a pill in]

Clint : [To Andy, while picking up a pill from Ozzy's hands] What about you, don't you take a pill? How can we know that you're not sober?

Harvey : [Shakes his head] Absolutely not, sir! [Sniffs] I had some, erm, GHL's earlier, and never mix my highs, er, [does a rap hand wave thing] daddio!

Andy : [To Clint] Apart from the fact that I'm wearing eight pairs of glasses? Well, how about I'm sweating like an Irishman, as mean as a Scotsman, as calm as a Portuguese and as aggressive as a [points angrily at Clint] God-Damned American?

Rock : [To Harvey] In that case, you've got an appointment with the hairdresser.

[All the cops roar with sinister laughter.]

Andy : [The first to stop laughing] Wait a second, that doesn't make any sense at all!

[The cops all look embarassed]

Andy : [Whining to the party in general] Shut up!

Chastity : [To Harvey] I think in this case, Colonel, that it would be better if you took a pill. We wouldn't want to split up the party at this time, especially with you on solitary incarceration

Austin : [To Harvey, whilst slouching on several bean bags] C'mon colonel, you have'nt even tried one of these before, how do you know you don't like it? [Austin pops his pill] They were, after all, sanctioned by the church [Points generally towards Chastity]

Chastity : I don't think the church has [emphasises] quite given them their official seal of approval [glances briefly towards Andy] yet.

Austin : [To Chastity] Indeed sister Chassers, veritable words of wisdom [does anoying finger quotes] "Never bless a rev until it's over". [Looks around] We need some music.

Rod : [To Chastity] So, what you're saying is that it is just a matter of time before the church sanctions them? That's good enough for me. [Takes one from Andy and swallows it]

Clint : Okay, I'll go for it. [Takes one, and throws it high into the air, before it falls into this mouth.

Andy : To Harvey] What's it to be?

Harvey : [Outraged] What in the blazes is going on here, Troop? I am shocked at your behaviour! Shocked, I say!

[Exit ANDY, ROCK, SCISSORS and PAPER, with HARVEY.]

Ozzy : Wow, guys! You're in for a great treat. I guess I'll be seeing you.

Alice : [Looks around] Hey! Has Harvey just been arrested? Didn't they leave very quickly? Am I still wearing handcuffs?

Clint : Hey!, you're right! [Makes to the door and opens it] Quickly, we can't let them separate us, not in this crazy place!

Ozzy : [Catches Clint by the shoulder] Hey guy, you're never going to find him, they've been gone for over an hour.

Austin : [Puts on Ace of Bass on the stereo] This is all we have [pumps up the volume. To Ozzy] Got any cheese?

Ozzy : Sure I do, but not a whole lot. It's not like I'm a drug dealer, you know.

Alice : Um, could someone help me with these handcuffs?

Chastity : [To Ozzy] Well what are you then?

Clint : And what's this about them being gone an hour ago? I just saw them leaving! [Looks outside the door for any signs of the Harvey and the cops]

Ozzy : [Smiles] Welcome to the world of revs.

[Everyone gathers around the door to look out, and this is true.]

Ozzy : [To Chastity] Easy on the language, Sister, there are ladies present. [Gestures to the now struggling Alice] I was sent by a friend to make sure the cops didn't give you a hard time.

Austin : [To Ozzy] So we are thinking so slowly that everyone else seems to be 'reved up'.

Ozzy : That's just one thing that's going to happen to you. Now, I'm about to head off, but I've one last piece of advice.

Alice : [Plaintively] Don't be handcuffed on a rev?

Ozzy : [Laughs good naturedly, and tousles Alice's hair] Very good. [Seriously] No, what I meant is to keep away from the castle. It's a real bad trip.

Chastity : Is that where Ralph Walton lives?

Ozzy : Oh no! Ralph is the one who sent me here.

Clint : Can we talk to him then? Harvey has just gone to prison, probably a day ago at this stage, and we need to rescue him!

Alice : Yes, they've probably got him in handcuffs and everything!

Ozzy : I'm not sure Ralph can do anything about it - but you can talk to him after the revs have worn off. Your best bet is to stay in the house with hot towels over your heads for the next eight hours.

Clint : How can we know if eight hours have passed? What is eight hours in rev time?

Ozzy : Oh, you'll know. Things will have gone back to normal then, so no arms sticking out of the ceiling, or blood pouring down the walls. Just make sure you get plenty of water, and lots of bananas for the potassium. And nuts.

Alice : I can't peel a banana with my hands tied behind my back!

Ozzy : I guess you're screwed then, aren't you?

[Exit OZZY.]

Austin : If we could trick the Morcs into taking revs, we could easily beat them. [Muses cuningly] We could slip them into their nascency fluid, possibly. [Ponders as he watches people rushing up and down the street.

Alice : [Sulkily slamming the door shut, by kicking it] Maybe it'll make them really mean and stop helping their friends. [Storms off into the kitchen]

[Book III, Act VIII, Scene IV. The Sitting Room. CLINT, AUSTIN, CHASTITY and ROD are here, sprawled around on some beanbags, watching the screensaver on a computer in the corner. Everyone feels slightly different, almost as though they are watching themselves, but don't have any untoward effects. Enter ALICE, finally freed from the handcuffs.]

Alice : You won't believe it! In the kitchen! There's a [emphasises] fish [more emphasis] using the peroculator!

Clint : That's nothing comparing to the tridimensional shape that just jumped out of the screensaver, wraped around my head, and got back to the screen!

Alice : Shut up, Clint! This is important. Look! [Holds the door open]

[There is a six feet tall fish making coffee. This is REGINALD TROUT.]

Reginald : Well, hello everyone. Who's for coffee?

Rod : [The sound of the word 'coffee' somehow snaps him out of his 1000 yard stare and slowly shifts his gaze toward the stereo]..She saw the sign..[Climbs to his feet, walks in a disjointed zombie-esque fashion over to the stereo, a wild look in his eyes]..Opened up her eyes..GAAAAHHHHH! [Proceeds to smash it to pieces in an insane rage. Once that's done, he turns to the fish] Coffee sounds wonderful, I'll take caff with two cubes sugar.

Reginald : [Waves a scolding fin at Rod] Coffee? I think you've already had enough. In fact, fart too much.

Alice : Fart too much?

Reginald : [Lets out a rip roaring fart] Yes, I suppose I do.

Chastity : [Wafts her hand in front of her nose] I don't think there is anything more suspect than someone doing fishy farts! [To Reginald] I'll have a nice cup of tea, please, if you're making. And some cake if there is any. [Giggles. To Alice] Do you think they'd be fish cakes? [Giggles again, finishing with a snort]

Alice : Um.. [Screws up her face as she thinks really hard]

Chastity : [To Alice] Oh well. Suit yourself then. [Turns round in a sulk and becomes mesmerised by a one particular bubble in a nearby lava lamp]

Austin : [Lying on a bean bag, gazing at Maplin, jumps suddenly and looks around] Goldfish? [Sees Reginald] Oh, 'gold'fish. [Goes back to staring at Maplin, sighing in a relieved manner]

Alice : [Finished thinking, turns to Chastity] No.

Reginald : [Pours out coffee and tea for people, before asking Alice] Taken some revs, eh?

Alice : Yes.

Reginald : How's that working out for you?

Alice : [Looks around at the others] Well, the others all seem real quiet.

Reginald : That's not so bad. No other ill effects, then?

Alice : I do have these marks on my wrists. [Holds them out to show Reginald]

Reginald : [Sympathetically] Ah, handcuff burns.

Clint : [To Reginald] Have you taken revs before? [Pause] Are you a fish?

Reginald : Naw, I've never taken them before. Then again, I am an hallucination.

Alice : Phew! I guess that means that the big rabbit looking in the window is an hallucination too?

Reginald : No, he's real.

[A six foot tall, angry looking rabbit hammers on the kitchen window.]

Rabbit : Hey! Why isn't the door locked?

Clint : [To Rabbit] Have you taken revs before? I want to know if the effect has passed or if I'm dreaming... [Pinches Rabbit] Are you real?

Austin : [To Clint] Why are you talking to that angry rabbit? [Looks at Reginald whilst sipping his tea] Thank you Reg. May I call you Reg? [Ponders a momnet. Looks at the Rabbit] Why should we lock the door? AN why are you angry, Mr. Soggy-vibes?

Reginald : You can call me flibertigiberty, if you want.

[CLINT reaches out and breaks the window with his hand, before pinching the RABBIT.]

Rabbit : Ow! [Looks angrily at Austin] Because I've just been pinched, and some fool has spilled blood all over my fur. Do you have any idea how hard that will be to get off?

Alice : So it's not like shit, then?

Rabbit : [With a cold stare at Alice] No.

Chastity : [Wrenging her eyes from the lava lamp. To Rabbit] Whos blood did you get on you? And why should the door be locked? And where can I get my hands on some chocolate?

Austin : [To Chastity] It's Clints blood, and the door should be locked to keep us in [Gets up and locks the front door if he can] I expect Reg could get you some chocolate, because he is ever so nice. [Winks at Reg and does the finger gun at him] Click-click. [Looks at the broken window and ponders] Perhaps Reg could bandage Clint too, I wonder how the Colonel is getting on? [Ponders the people in the street rushing past]

Rabbit : [To Chastity] It's Climp's blood, and the door should be locked to keep you in. I expect Reginald could get you some chocolate, because he's so nice he makes me want to puke. [Throws up through the window, just as Austin turns the key in the lock of the front door, with an audible click click]

Alice : [Peering closely at the vomit] Hey! There are no diced carrots here!

Reginald : [To Chastity, a little embarrassed at Austin's flattery] I'm afraid I don't have any chocolate, but how about a nice hot dog or ice cream instead?

Austin : [Looks at the Rabbit] Why are you dressed up in a rabbit costume?

Rabbit : Because the mask and costume cover my real self. I would be terrified, and a little ashamed, if people saw what I really was.

Chastity : [Gestures towards Reginald] Obviously because the fish costume was being used. [To Reginald] That would be nice. Both please. And make sure the ice cream is on top.

Austin : [To Chastity, pointing to Reginald] But that's not a costume!

Chastity : [Look round at Reginald] Huh?

Reginald : This isn't a costume, I'm an honest to goodness real fish! Now, let's see, you want ice cream on top of a hot dog, hm. Check the room there. [Points at a door leading out of the kitchen]

Clint : That makes sense, the ice cream will cool down the hot dog. [Pause] Huh?

Alice : [To Rabbit] So, underneath that six foot bunny suit, what are you?

Rabbit : A six foot bunny.

Alice : Hm. [Opens the door and looks in, before closing it again, quickly, giving a shiver] I think I just saw a giant ice cream making love to a hot dog. [Opens the door to take another quick look] Oh, my mistake, it was a hotdog. [Turns to the others] And I think he's melted a little over the hotdog.

Austin : [To Alice] Well if they had wanted an audience they would have left the door open, honeybee.

Clint : That makes sense, the ice cream will cool down the hot dog. [Pause] Huh?

Alice : [To Rabbit] So, underneath that six foot bunny suit, what are you?

Rabbit : A six foot bunny.

Alice : Hm. [Opens the door and looks in, before closing it again, quickly, giving a shiver] I think I just saw a giant ice cream making love to a hot dog. [Opens the door to take another quick look] Oh, my mistake, it was a hotdog. [Turns to the others] And I think he's melted a little over the hotdog.

Austin : [To Alice] Well if they had wanted an audience they would have left the door open, honeybee.

Alice : Possibly. Of course, if they didn't want an audience, they probably wouldn't be doing it in front of that huge window.

[ALICE opens the door again, to reveal a large ICE CREAM CONE and large HOTDOG having sex in the middle of the room, right beside a large plate glass window. There is, of course, no one watching. The CONE, who's on top, turns to ALICE.]

Gelato : [Clearly a female cone] Mama mia! Why are you standing there looking stupido when your uncle he is in jail!

Perro : [The hot dog] Si, senorita, time she waits for no one.*

Alice : [Turns to the others, still holding the door open] Everyone else just saw that, right?

Chastity : I think you hallucinated the entire scene you've just described, my dear girl. The ice cream did have a point though, we should think about how to break out the Colonel from jail. [pauses] Hey!

Gelato : [Enters the room] I am Signora della Gelao. [Bows slightly]

Perro : [Following her in, but pausing to wipe what everyone hopes is some ice cream off himself, before turning to Alice] How's you doin'?

Alice : I'm totally freaked out.

Perro : Excellent, fancy a bit of comfort eating? Click-click! Last from Sam #30

Austin : [To Perro] Excuse me one moment, my friend appears to be upset. [To Alice] What is freking you out, honeybee? [Looks Caringly at Alice] Dr. Dominic Job, Psychiatry, UoE, Kennedy Tower, REH, Morningside Park, Edinburgh EH10 5HF

Tel: 0131 537 6763 FAX: 0131 537 6531

Alice : You mean, apart from the fact that we're having a conversation with an ice cream, a hotdog, a fish and a rabbit? How about Harvey being missing? The fact that we don't know where he is? The fact that I woke up in bed this morning with yourself and Stinky? The fact that you've called me honeybee twice in the last few minutes?

Clint : [To the ice-cream] Are you for real? You seem real. What flavour are you?

Gelato : Chocolate.

[Enter ANGRY RABBIT, from the kitchen.]

Rabbit : [To Gelato] I hate you. [To the party] If there's one thing that makes me mad, it's people leaving one of their friends get carried off to jail, and not even caring enough to formulate a plan to save them.

Clint : [To Gelato] Did you do that? [Pause, look of guilt] We did that too.

Gelato : I was too busy making love to do anything else.

Perro : [Rubs himself gently against Chastity] Hey, Sister, you are 'ongry, no?

Chastity : [Pushing Perro away] I am, but after your kitchen antics I've gone off the idea of hot dogs and ice cream now! [Dramatically] Oh wafer, wafer everywhere, and not a bite to eat!

Austin : [To Alice] Harvey was taken away by the Police, as he chose not to stay here. So all we have to do is go down to the Police station and ask if we can have him back. [Sighs. To Reginald] Could you tell us the way to the police station please? [Quietly] Someone is a bit upset!

Rabbit : That's not true! [Thumps his paw against the wall] The chances are he's already dead. If we don't try to break him out now, you may never see him again.

[Time passes.]

Alice : Hm?

Rabbit : Oh for God's sake! [Thumps his paw again] I said that if we don't try to break him out now, you may never see him again. Ten minutes ago.

Clint : [To Rabbit] How do you know Harvey has been arrested, anyway? [Momentarily looks at the screen saver] Wow, there it goes again!

Rabbit : [Stomps over and pulls the plug out of the back of the computer] I know because you know. I know everything you know.

Alice : [Whispers to Clint] I bet he doesn't. I bet he's making the whole time up. I bet we're better off spending time watching those ants over there carrying leaves back to their hill.

Rabbit : I know who was really responsible for Aunty Madge's brain medicine disappearing.

Alice : [Seriously] Let's hear what he's got to say.

Clint : [Putting on a mocking serious face] Oh, sure Mr. Rabbit, since you've spoiled all the fun [points at the computer], let's hear what you have to say!

Rabbit : The chances are that Harvey's already dead. If we don't try to break him out now, you may never see him again.

Clint : Didn't you just say that, [starts counting fingers] [pause] [another pause] err, ten minutes ago?

Rabbit : I said it twenty minutes ago. I repeated it yet again in the hope that it might stir you losers into doing something.

Gelato : Does anyone mind if I open a window? [Fans herself] I'm melting in here. Austin : [To Rabbit] Don't be ridiculous, why would anyone try to kill a man who is in prison? [Shrugs] There would be police everywhere to arrest them.

Reginald : Ah, sweet, naive Austin. It is the police who are the most likely to kill him. It may sound strange, but in Mermantort some policemen are sadomasochistic bullies.

Alice : Sounds like every cop I've ever met.

Austin : [To Reginal] But that is stupid. If they want him to take drugs, why don't they force feed him some?

Reginald : They don't want him to take drugs, they want to kill him.

Gelato : [Rubs Austin's arm] You see, they already asked him to take the drug, and he refused. Why, it would just be rude to force him to take it now. They are very polite.

Alice : That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard in my life!

Gelato : Ah, ah! I said they were polite, not clever.

Clint : Then we must go there and save Harvey at once! [Looks at Austin's arm] I think lady Gelato left some ice-cream on your arm.

Austin : [To Reginald] You know, of course, that even if we leave here now, at the speed we are currently operating at we will probably not even get ther in time for the Colonels funeral. But we should try anyway. [Stands up. To the others] Has anyone seen my clothes? [Looks concernenedly around the room]

Perro : [Catches Austin's arm and licks it clean, before turning to Clint, with a strangely satisfied look] That it is no ice-cream!

Reginald : I think your clothes are in the pile over there. [Points a fin at what is clearly a mix of Austin's, Alice's and Clint's clothes] Of course, we need a plan.

Rabbit : A plan so fiendishly complex and clever that historians will write about it for years.

Alice : [Holding up an enormous pair of filthy underpants that she's found in the pile] How about we kick the door in, kill all the cops and set Harvey free.

Rabbit : [Disappointed] I was rather hoping for something a little more complex than that.

Austin : [Sorts his clothes out from the pile, gives Alice hers and leaves Clints in a heap. Austin gets dressed and carefully straightens out sleeves, hair, cuffs, socks, trousers, eyelashes etc] Hmm. We could let the morcs in through the front gate, thereby creating a diversion that would allow us to get the Colonel out. Or we could all attack the police with a huge battering ram.

Perro : Hey! I like the first plan! [Looks as downcast as a hotdog can] Of course, I don't know what Morcs are, and we don't have a front gate.

Rabbit : [Roars at Perro] Shut up! [To Austin] I like the second plan, but I suspect we need something a little more subtle. Something that'll surprise them.

Alice : How about a surprise birthday party?

Rabbit : In all probability, it won't be their birthday.

Alice : Well think of how surprised they'll be, so!

Austin : [Nods at Alices idea] Yeah, and them we can say that they can't come, unless they give us the prison, and leave all of the prisoners in the prison. Then we could simply go and get the Colonel out.

Alice : I like it! [Tries to drop the underpants, but it sticks to her hand] Of course, what if they refuse? [Steps on one end of the underpants, and pulls it off that way]

Austin : [Grimaces at Alices undergarment predicament] Okay, so we need to organise a party. [Muses. To Reginald and Rabbit] Would you like to come [Gets out his pen and paper and starts writing an invitation list] You can bring your friends of course.

Reginald : Well, the cops are all in the castle, and there's no way anyone is going to go in there.

Austin : [Ponders. To Reginald] But all the Police will be here, at their birthday party [Looks blankly at Reginal. Notes a few more names down on the guest list] We can refuse to give them jelly and ice cream untill they give us the castle. [To Rabbit and Reginald] Could you tell me the names of all the policemen and their friends please. [Has his pen ready to write the names on the guest list]

Rabbit : I don't know what their names are! Why don't we just bake them a huge birthday cake, stuff it full of explosives, and let them take it into the castle?

Austin : [Finishes making some notes. To Reginald] Well, if we are going to take the direct approach, I could use my sling. The castle would surrender in no time at all [Gives Reginald a 'lets be practical about this' look]

Clint : [Putting his trousers first and then his underwears] That's not practical [Proceeds to take them off again, and putting them on in the right order, but ends up putting his trousers back to front] I prefer the first plan. A bomb cake, that sounds so cool.

Rod : [Casually paces before the group, still in the dog suit] Tsk, tsk. Planning a rescue operation with hallucinations without consulting with a TRUE expert in these matters? The solution is simple. We go to the police station and tell them that we desperately need to see Harvey because he ALONE knows where we stashed an ENORMOUS amount of narcotics. We then tempt the moronic policemen by offering a piece of this imaginary cache of drugs in exchange for releasing him long enough to find where he put it. Of course, as soon as we get to him we draw our swords and fight our way out in a grizzly baptism of blood and fire..[Nods to himself] Yes, completely by the books..

Chastity : [To Will] And our lack of swords doesn't put you off this plan? I like the birthday party plan. We could make it a street party to coax the officers of the law out of the castle. [Looks around. To Reginald] Where are my clothes then?

Austin : [Looks at Chastity in amazement] You want those old nun clothes back? Did you have a secret supply of cheese in the pocket or something? [To Reginald] Do you know where we can get an exploding cake?

Reginald : [To Chastity] I think Gelato was trying them on.

Gelato : Yes, but they were too unchic for me. They, and the rest of your items are in that cupboard. [Nods towards a large cupboard]

Reginald : Not sure where you can get an exploding cake, but I'm pretty sure that we could bake a huge one, that you could fit pretty much anything into. As long as it isn't a fish cake, that is! [Roars with laughter, and claps his fins together]

Chastity : [Makes her way to the cupboard] Why wasn't that funny when I told it? [Opens the cupboard]

Reginald : [As an enormous amount of stuff falls out of the cupboard on top of Chastity] I guess it's the way I tell 'em! [Grabs a bottle of whiskey and drinks the whole lot of it] Anyway, what's the best thing we could put into the cake to ensure Harvey's escape?

Austin : [Ponders] A sleeping pill, all ground up?

Perro : [Thunders] A sleeping pill? A sleeping pill? [Normal voice] I love it! [Tries to hug Austin, but, having no arms, fails]

Gelato : Fabulous idea.

Reginald : [Does a little clap] Perfect.

Rabbit : It's crap. It's two dimensional thinking at its flattest. You all display such a lack of imagination that it doesn't surprise me you're not all sitting in front of the playstation. [Raises his voice to call out to Alice, who's sitting in front of the playstation] I said, it it doesn't surprise me you're not all sitting in front of the playstation.

Alice : [Laughing to herself, and pressing the power button] Playstation goes on, playstation goes off. Playstation goes on, playstation goes off. Playstation goes on, playstation goes - huh? [Turns and looks at the others]

Clint : [To Alice] What's the matter, it didn't go off?

Austin : [To Rabbit] We are not all sitting infront of a Playstation. [Fold his arms. With a double orders of deadpan sarcasm] So Mr. Prodigal Genius Rabbit, what is your great plan?

Chastity : [Emerges from under the huge pile of stuff previously in the cupboard, miraculously wearing her nun's habit. She has a pair of pants, similar the ones Alice hand stuck to her face] U eepin ills ound ood! [Starts clawing at the pants, with a louder muffle] ELP EE!

Alice : [To Clint] Well - [breaks off and looks at Chastity, annoyed] sorry, I've lost my train of thought, with all the screaming and getting crushed by falling underpants.

Rabbit : [To Austin] I think you mean prodigious genius. [With triple helpings of sarcasm] Surely even you can think of something better to put in the cake than sleeping tablets?

Chastity : [After a brief struggle, manages to free herself of the pants with a sickening ripping noise, leaving her a bit red faced and the pants with a bit of moustache. To the party in general] Thank you very much for your swift aid! [To Rabbit] Most often the best plans are the simplest.

Austin : [To Rabbit] How about a handfull of Grannies beta-blockers and some blood thinners, stuffed into a roast Rabbit, carried by Alice on a silver tray, in a skimpy nun's outfit, sitting ontop of a giant cake filled with laughing gas? [Austin taps his foot, arms folded, staring at Rabbit]

Alice : Well, I would have helped you only for my hands being handcuffed behind my back. Oh wait, they're not any more. No thanks to you! [Turns away huffily]

Rabbit : Being simple doesn't necessarily make something good. [Gestures to Alice's back]

Rabbit : [Unimpressed] How about we put all of you into the cake?

Alice : Hey! That's a great idea! When all the cops are about to gorge themselves on birthday doughnuts, we can leap out with weapons drawn and kill them all!

Chastity : [Enthusiasticallyu] Yes, yes. A huge cake that we can hide in. It could be pushed up to the gates and when inside we'd have the element of surprise. [To Rabbit] Great idea. Are you trojan?

Austin : [To Alice] Okay, whatever! I can knock down the castle walls with my sling and we can grab the Colonel and escape through the smashed walls. Let's do it.

Rabbit : No.

Reginald : So it's decided then! We bake a huge cake, hide inside it, and then leap out when the cops are about to eat it.

Perro : Let's get to work!

[Book III, Act VIII, Scene V. Inside the cake. CLINT, AUSTIN, CHASTITY, ALICE, ROD, PERRO, GELATO and ANGRY RABBIT are here, crammed into the cake, which has been deposited outside the castle. The cake is clearly being lifted somewhere. Everyone is now in their normal clothes, and have their weapons.]

Alice : Remind me again what happens here?

Rabbit : [Shouting] How stupid are you? [Shouts even louder] Once we hear the cops getting ready to cut the cake, we leap out and kill them. [Incredibly, gets even louder] Okay?

Chastity : [In a whisper] Shhhh! I don't think the marzipan is too sound proof.

Rabbit : Look! How many times do we have to tell you? We're hallucinations, only you lot can hear us.

Alice : [Whispering] But if we can all hear you, doesn't that mean that someone is probably saying something?

Rabbit : [Pauses a second] Hm, that's probably true.

[The movement of the cake stops. It is difficult to hear what's going on outside, but the party can definitely hear comments about how beautiful the cake is.]

Chastity : [Readying her mace. Still whispering] It appears that they're admiring my skills with an icing bag. We'd best break out before the first cut. We don't want lose anyone with a nasty cake knife wound.

Alice : Right. I'm ready. Just say the word, Chastity.

Chastity : [Looks round the rest of the group] Ready everyone?

[Everyone bursts out of the cake, much to the surprise of ROY, who was just about to eat some of it. He is holding a small cake slice in his hand, and looks shocked.]

Roy : What's going on? Have you come back to torture me some more?

Chastity : [To the room occupants] Suprise!

Alice : [Looks around] Hey! There's no one else here! What's going on, Roy?

Roy : I'm in a happy place. A place where people bring me cakes, and enjoy my cooking. And a place where people like you can't hurt me any more. [Pushes Alice back, with surprising ferocity, knocking her to the ground]

Alice : [Crying out in pain] Ow! Hey! What just happened? What's going on here?

Roy : [Smiles at the party] You're locked into a cell with an Arch Lich who's finally got his powers back. [Tries to crack his fingers by entertwining them and pushing them back out, but only succeeds in popping one off, and sending it flying across the room, into the cake] You're going to pay for that. And all the other nastiness that you showed me. And all the nastiness you showed to Kit. [Looks at Rod] I don't know who you are, but I'm going to suck you dry, like a - a - well, [gets flustered] I'm going to kill you!

Chastity : [Exiting the cake and keeping her distance from Roy] Roy! Where have you been? We've been worried sick about you, just disappearing off like that!

Clint : [Picking up a portion of cake with his hands and handing it towards Roy] Cake?

Roy : I know it is. [Catches Clint by the wrist, causing him to shudder, before pushing him across the room.]

Austin : [Shudders at the sight of Clint's soul draining away. Shrieks] Aiiiieee! [Ducks back down into the cake and redies his sling]

Roy : You know, all I wanted was to be friends with you, but you all just insisted on being horrible to me. The only one that was any way nice was Kit, and that's because she didn't speak! [Pushes Chastity back onto the floor]

Alice : [Bewildered at both what's going on around her, and at what's just happened to her] Hey! When were we mean? What did we do?

Austin : [looks at his meagre sling and frowns, puts it away, grabs a bit of ribbon from the side of the cake and does a neat bow on a beautiful and very expensive gold watch that he has polished up nicely. Pops up out of the cake. takes a deep breath. To Roy] I'm very sorry if we were not friendly enough. We aren't very nice, but we are trying. Here is a present from me to make up [Shakely, hands Roy the watch wrapped with a ribbon bow]

Harvey : [To Roy] What is going on here, soldier! We were never mean to you, and certainly these troop members do not deserve any punishment! [Raises his hands and adopts the classic boxer pose] Have at you, blackguard!

Chastity : [To Austin] Austin, stay out of his way. [Looks round with a look of suprise, despite her draining experience] Colonel? Where did you spring from?

Harvey : [Pauses from his stance for a moment to turn to Chastity] Why, from that infernal cake, Sister!

Roy : [To Austin] A present for me? [Reaches out, and catches Austin by the wrist] You must think me awfully stupid.

[AUSTIN goes rigid in pain, dropping the watch, before slumping in a heap when ROY lets go.]

Chastity : [Confused, looks at Harvey, looks at the cake, looks at Harvey. Still confused] Oh. OK. If you say so. [To Roy] I was never nasty to you, and this is the thanks that I get! No wonder you have no friends!

Harvey : By the saints, Sister! Never mind about how I got here, get back from him!

Roy : [Starts to tear up a little] I'm sorry Sister! [HOlds out his arms to give her a hug] Friends?

Chastity : [Backs round to the other side of the table from Roy] You must think I was born yesterday. Your behaviour in here has shed any trust we had in you. Look what you did to poor Austin. You fried a lawyer offering a gift, for Phili's sake. Do you know how rare that is!

Austin : [Gags slighty, then remains slumped on the floor. Possibly dead]

Rod : [Steps in front of Roy] Sir, I do not know who you are. I do not know what your problem is with these people, and I would rather not know where that smell is coming from, but I tell you now, if you try to harm these people, I will kill you.

Roy : [Still with his arms outstretched] I only want a hug.

Rod : Well, that seems fair enough. [Rod hugs Roy]

[ROD shudders uncontrollably, shaking up against ROY.]

Alice : What the hell kind of hug was that?

Austin : [Gets up slowly and staggers away from Roy, putting the watch back into his pocket. To Roy] How did you get your powers back? You must be most pleased.

Roy : My friends, the Elves, looked after me. They have breathed life into me, shown me the light, shown me the one, true way of good.

Alice : [Recovering] And what are you going to do, now that you have all this enlightenment?

Roy : I'm gonna wreak horrible revenge on any one that has ever done anything bad to me, real or imagined.

Chastity : The true way of good and enlightenment is not to abuse the gift with thoughts and actions of selfish revenge. You should be working with us to help save the very elves who brought you back you power, and defeat the evil Morcs at he city gates.

Roy : Yeah, you'd think that, wouldn't you. [Looks to Clint] You seem very quiet for a man who was making jokes about sausages and fingers! [Touches his shoulder, causing Clint to shudder, and fall to the ground]

Alice : [Looking around at the devastated party] You know, I think we'd better reconsider our strategy.

Chastity : [To Alice] Wise words indeed, my dear [Tries to pull the slumped Austin back from Roy without getting within his range] Did the door lock?

Austin : [Who is some distance from Roy, suprised by Chastity. To Chastity] Thanks. [To Roy] What was it specifically that we did that you didn't like?

Roy : Well, for a start, all these questions are getting a little irksome!

Harvey : [To Chastity] I don't believe so. [Slips passed Roy to the door, and opens it] No, it is open. [Closes the door and locks it] Better?

Chastity : [To Austin] Hold on, I thought you were near death? You were faking? [Drops him. To Harvey] Not really. Can you unlock it again. I think it's time to go, and leave our [glances at Roy] host to his cake.

Harvey : Yes, I could, but to be honest, I think we should wait until Roy is finished.

Chastity : [Blustering to Harvey] Finished what? Killing us, or his cake! What's happened to you, Colonel? Is it really you? Or are we caught up in some hallucination? I suppose that's what you get for going with a plan proposed by a giant hallucinary Rabbit! [Grasps hold of the edje of the table] I don't feel much like my self at the moment.

Clint : [Tries to stagger towards the door] Open the door Harv. We have to get out fast. [Looks around to see what's happened to Rod]

Harvey : As I always say, Sister, Jah! Jah, I say! We're at the bottom of the ninth, two men out and on the third ball. Jah, I say again!

Alice : I've never heard you say that! [To Chastity] You know, I never trusted that angry rabbit, but the fish seemed so nice!

[Everyone seems to have come through the effects of both Louis XV and the Revs.]

Rod : [Tries to pull himself up using the cake, but falls into it] I think we are in trouble, friends. Far be it from me to criticise your beloved Harvey, but I think he's a bastard who should be slaughtered.

Austin : [To Harvey, near death] Colonel, you don't sound like youself [Gasps] Infact, I don't think you are the Colonel at all, your all strange. [Makes for the door] [AUSTIN gets to the door, and turns the key, but is grabbed by HARVEY.]

Harvey : Jah! Austin, I know you are the greatest fighter in our party, but I will kill you unless you stay to hear what Roy has to say.

Chastity : Ah-ha , you're not the Colonel. You've just made one glaring error. [Looks round the room knowingly] The real Colonel Harvey Bassett-Short would never engage in physical contact with Austin. [To Roy] Well? What have you to say for yourself? [Makes a dramatic flourish] The stage is yours.

Roy : Why, thank you, Chastity. Just for that, I'll be extra nice to you. [Grabs her by the shoulder, causing her to fall back against the wall]

Alice : I think the time for talking is over. Now we've got to get serious. [Finds a custard pie sized plate on the floor, fills it up with creamy cake, and fires it at Roy, hitting him smack in the face.]

Chastity : [Clutching her shoulder and gasping] Well done, Alice. Now if only you can get him to stand on the end of a rake the lanpoonery will be complete. Failing that, knock his head off! The ungrateful swine.

Alice : Aw, come on, Chas! How stupid would he have to be to stand on a [smack. Alice gets hit in the face after standing on a carelessly discarded rake] Ow!

[ROY is temporarily blinded by the pie, while HARVEY pushes AUSTIN away from the door.]

Chastity : [Staggers towards Roy and attacks him with her mace]

[CHASTITY hits ROY with her mace, and, although she knocks him back, doesn't appear to do any damage. Meanwhile, HARVEY draws his sword to attack AUSTIN.]

Roy : Ow! Hey, there's no need to be so nasty about it!

Alice : Come on, let's get out of here. Come on, Stinky, make a move, will you? [Jumps onto Harvey's back]

Chastity : [Makes for the door, grimacing] I'm glad I'm with the powers of good and enlightenment, otherwise I'd be upset at my foiled attempt at selfish revenge!

Alice : [Still hanging on to Harvey] You tell him, Sister! We're on the side of right, so nothing bad can happen to us!

[The door opens and smacks CHASTITY on the head.]

Chastity : [Reeling back from the door, rubbing her head with her forearm] This experience just gets worse and worse. I'm sore, drained, disoriented, and in a stuck in a strange room covered in bits of cake with at least a couple of people I don't want to be with. That's what you get for taking drugs, I suppose. Phili forgive me.

[The door opens further, enter HARVEY.]

Harvey : Gah! Sister, what are you doing in this infernal place? [Looks in passed her, taking in all the carnage in front of him] Mm, cake!

Clint : [Tries to use the rake to stuck the door open]

Harvey : [Dodging the rake] Gah! Take it easy, Private! I'm on your side! Tell him, Chastity! [Turns to look at Alice, still thrashing about on the other Harvey's back] And you, Niece, you tell him! And you, Harvey, you tell him! [Pause] Eh? [Turns back to Harvey] Sir, you are obviously an imposter. [Punches the other Harvey square on the nose]

Roy : [Touches Clint's arm] Ah ah! You're going nowhere!

[CLINT staggers, and drops the rake.]

Clint : Must. Get. Out. [Falls in a heap on the floor]

Roy : Now, do I kill you? Or leave you as a pathetic waste?

Harvey : [To the other Harvey] I say you fat ruffian, unhand my niece this minute! [Attempts an uppercut at his face]

[HARVEY swings, but amateurishly misses, and punches ALICE on the nose.]

Alice : Ow!

[Despite the punch, she manages to hang onto the other HARVEY.]

Alice : Let's get out of here!

Clint : First I must take revenge on that bastard! [Tries to punch Roy, but ends up hitting himself and falling to the floor again] Ok, let's just get out of here. [Makes for the door]

[The force of the punch on ALICE is enough to spin her and HARVEY around, and they fall to the ground. She leaps up first, just as CLINT runs to the door, with the result that they both get stuck in it.]

Alice : [Angrily] Ow! Watch it, Stinky! Just noticed you're not on Doms list - so I'm forwarding his mail, plus I'll forward my reply to it next --- Dominic Job wrote: > From: Dominic Job

Chastity : [Looks back round at Rod and sighs] Come on, good sir Knight. Time for the fair maiden to help the knight for once! [Goes back to help/drag Rod towards the door] --- Colin Dinan wrote: > Date: Thu, 29 May 2003

Harvey : [Helping Alice] Run for it, troop! [Glares at Roy] Never did like that arch licher!

[ALICE and CLINT burst through the door with an aubible pop, and fall to the ground in front of HARVEY.]

Roy : [Turns to Chastity] Aw, how touching! [Wipes a tear from his eye, before shouting at her] Bitch! How come you never cared for me like that? [Pushes her roughly to the floor, back towards the door.]

Harvey : [The one in the room] I'll get her!

Harvey : [Tries to grab onto Chastity and pull her into their room with all his might] Heave ho, good sister, heave ho, I say!

Austin : [Pulls Alice through the door] Lets get the hell out of here!

Alice : I'll see to Harvey! [Tries to kick the other Harvey, but misses, and sends her shoe flying]

Harvey : [The one in the room] Hah! I'll get her! [Swings his sword, but is struck in the eye by a flying stiletto, which gouges into his right eye]

Alice : Yay! I got him! [Goes serious, and turns to Harvey] You're the real Harvey, right?

Harvey : [Still trying to pull Chastity] Gah, dear niece, how could you ever have confused me with that other fat oaf?

Alice : [Ducking to avoid a button flying off Harvey's shirt] Sorry, Uncle Harvey, I don't know what I was thinking! [Looks up and down the corridor] Which way?

[The door opens onto a corridor which leads off into the distance in both directions. There are several other doors in the corridor too.]

Chastity : [Scrambles up with the help of Harvey and makes for the door, trying to avoid Roy's withering touch and glare. To Harvey] Thank you, Colonel.

Alice : Look! Someone's trying to open the door, we'd better move quickly!

Harvey : Nowhere until we get good sir knight out of the room! We don't leave men behind!

Roy : [Opening the door, so he stands blocking it] Is that a fact? How come you were prepared to leave me behind?

Chastity : [Still visibly smarting from Roy's attentions. To Roy] Because you are no longer a man but an undead abomination. [To Harvey] We must go now, Colonel. We can't get past the him now.

Harvey : Gah! As always, you're right, Sister. This way troop! [Heads down the corridor, taking Alice by the hand.]

[Predictably, ALICE falls almost immediately.]

Alice : Hey! The other Harvey's got one of my shoes!

Clint : Tripping on Alice Hey!, watch where you fall! [Tumbles down the corridor]

Alice : Ow! Hey! I'm sick of people tripping over -

[Bang. AUSTIN falls over the two.]

Roy : Ah! Sweet justice! [Grabs each of Alice and Austin by the ankle]

[The two cry out in pain, and kick ROY away.]

Harvey : Quickly, troop! Before he sucks you dry! [Turns to run, but stops briefly and turns back] That's a bad thing, Private Sleaze!

Chastity : [Quickly follows Harvey, briefly turning to shake a stump at Roy] We'll be back, and not to see if your baking has improved either! [To Harvey] I hope you know where you're leading us, Colonel.

Harvey : Not a clue, Sister! I just know that I'm leading you away from where some brigands held me captive. This seems to be some sort of terrible prison. [Throws open the door at the end of the corridor.]

[Outside the door stands BEVERLY WAVERLY, an adult dressed in some kind of scout uniform, and three girl scouts, STACEY, MACEY and CASEY. BEVERLY has her back to the door. HARVEY and the others skid to a halt, inches from BEVERLY.]

Beverly : Here we have an interior door, that can only be used by employees, and not naughty girl scouts, even if they do hold the record for baking cookies.

[The three scouts titter at this. STACEY holds her hand up to ask a question.]

Stacey : What about dishevelled tramps who look like they've had too much brandy and revs?

Beverly : Stacey! What on earth are you talking about?

Chastity : Ah, good wholesome, even if slightly tarty, girl scouts. Thank Phili, to see that help is at hand. [Glances nervously at Clint. To Harvey] I fear yet another embarrassing anecdote for Clint's biography about to begin!

Beverly : [Turns and looks at the party] What on earth is going on here?

Austin : [Looking at the girls, suddenly dustss himself down and smartens himself up with amazinfg speed. To the Guides, smoothly] Hello girls, having fun?

Chastity : We are trying to escape the clutches of an vile and evil creature from down the corridor.

[The three girls giggle coquettishly at AUSTIN.]

Beverly : [Surprised] An evil and vile creature? That's trying to kill you? In this, the middle of a guided tour of girl scouts?

Clint : Yes! And he's coming this way, and... [Notices Casey's attributes] Hey! How you doin'?

Austin : [To Beverly, sincerely] Perhaps I should escort the girls to saftey, whilst you and the others investigte the creature?

Casey : [Gives a mindless giggle] Would you like to buy some cookies?

Beverly : [Sternly to Austin] You'll do no such thing, young man! I think you'll find that you are quite wrong to have come through that door - it is simply not the done thing.

[From the other side of the door, the party can hear ROY's voice saying "Oh no, we're not allowed go through that door", followed by HARVEY saying "Jah!".]

Chastity : Well in that case we'd better shut it, in case anyone else makes the same mistake. [Makes sure the group are through, and then shuts the door, and locks it if there is a lock]

[The door was already shut, but CHASTITY now locks it.]

Beverly : [Sternly] I think you had better go back in through that door.

Austin : [Looking at the girls, suddenly dustss himself down and smartens himself up with amazinfg speed. To the Guides, smoothly] Hello girls, having fun?

Chastity : We are trying to escape the clutches of an vile and evil creature from down the corridor.

[The three girls giggle coquettishly at AUSTIN.]

Beverly : [Surprised] An evil and vile creature? That's trying to kill you? In this, the middle of a guided tour of girl scouts?

Clint : Yes! And he's coming this way, and... [Notices Casey's attributes] Hey! How you doin'?

Austin : [To Beverly, sincerely] Perhaps I should escort the girls to saftey, whilst you and the others investigte the creature?

Casey : [Gives a mindless giggle] Would you like to buy some cookies?

Beverly : [Sternly to Austin] You'll do no such thing, young man! I think you'll find that you are quite wrong to have come through that door - it is simply not the done thing.

[From the other side of the door, the party can hear ROY's voice saying "Oh no, we're not allowed go through that door", followed by HARVEY saying "Jah!".]

Chastity : Well in that case we'd better shut it, in case anyone else makes the same mistake. [Makes sure the group are through, and then shuts the door, and locks it if there is a lock]

[The door was already shut, but CHASTITY now locks it.]

Beverly : [Sternly] I think you had better go back in through that door.

Chastity : We can't, its shut and locked.

Clint : But you just told us no-one goes through that door. You wouldn't want us to make such a bad example in front of the girls now, would you? [Wink!, directed at Casey]

Harvey : [Bows to Beverly] Madam, I am most apologetic for our sudden appearance, but do assure you, it is only because our very lives were in danger! Perhaps we can smooth things over with the purchase of some cookies? [Stomach rumbles massively] A mere couple of dozen boxes or so.

Austin : [To Harvey] Good idea Colonel, [Looks at Stacey] Let's get some samples from the girls first though, before we induldge ourselves in four boxes [Winks at Stacey] or more.

Beverly : [To Harvey] Purchase cookies, eh? [Suddenly notices the lecherous looks of Austin and Clint] Girls! Chastity belts on stun!

[STACEY slaps AUSTIN, almost knocking him to the floor.]

Alice : [Smiling at Austin's misfortune] Hey, Austin got slapped by a girl guide! I think I'm going to join them!

Beverly : [Coldly] We do have some standards, you know.

Chastity : [To Alice] Obviously your cookie baking reputation precedes you.

Austin : [Looking as though he may have enjoyed the slap, a little. To Stacey, innocently suprised] What did I say? [Smiling] I only wanted to sample your [Hint of a pause] biscuits, before investing a larger quantity. [Appeals to Stacey for forgiveness, smiling his best smile]

Stacey : [Points out a sewn on badge on her sleeve, which depicts a knee hitting someone's groin] Your lecherous behaviour says it all.

Beverly : Girls! Draw your weapons!

[The four all draw savage looking swiss army knives.]

Austin : [Gasps in shock as the girls draw weapons] I can see now why the elves think humans are all a bunch of psychotic murdering animals. [Puts his hands up] I surrender.

Clint : Out of the frying pan and into the fire! So much for cookie sampling. I think we should leave now!

Alice : You cowards! We're trained professionals - surely we can take a bunch of girl guides? [Draws her sword, but fumbles it and drops it on the ground] Jah! I mean, gah!

[The girl scouts move in menacingly.]

Austin : [To Alice] I advise surrender. Behind us is an Arch Lich, and in front of us are several, [looks Stacey over, briefly] fully loaded girl scouts. [To Stacey] I surrender.

Chastity : Now, now, girls. [holds up her hand/stump whilst backing off slightly] You wouldn't attack a handicapped lady of the clth and her chums would you?

Stacey : [To the other girls] Surrender? No one's ever tried to surrender to us before, what do we do?

Beverly : [To the party] Empty your pockets, that we may judge your moral worth by that which you choose to keep close to you.

Alice : Okay, okay.

[ALICE feels in her pockets, and takes her hands out. Everyone's attention is drawn to a condom in her hand.]

Alice : [Lamely] Er, be prepared?

[BEVERLY and co. are clearly unsure of what happens now.]

Austin : [To Beverly] Err, we could by some biscuits from you as a gesture of good will, [Looks at Harvey] and starvation.

Chastity : [Awkwardly brings out a cross, and a teatowel] Hardly the items of menace I think you'll agree.

Beverly : How many boxes of cookies would you like to buy?

Harvey : Er, four?

[BEVERLY and the girls laugh at this.]

Beverly : Let's see, they are one gold piece each, so let's say two hundred.

Alice : Two hundred. [Looks around, embarassed] Er, sorry, I thought we were all going to say two hundred.

Austin : [To Harvey] I think running away might be cheaper, [Pauses] and much more fun [Austin backs off, ready to run away, eyes Stacey in case she makes a move]

Harvey : [Out of the side of his mouth to Austin] Much as it pains me to admit it, Private, I think you are right. Now then, you're the most experienced at running away screaming, perhaps you might show the rest of us, eh?

Chastity : [To the guides] Two Hundred you say. OK then, but I'll just have to get my purse [Points behind the girls to the exit]

[All of the girls start to not only look behind them, but to turn around completely to look.]

Alice : [Stopping them] No, Chastity, there it is look! [Points at Chastity's side] See? [Beams happily at her helpfulness]

Austin : [As the guides all turn away, to Harvey] Okay, colonel [Austin legs it, but does not scream]

Chastity : [Gives Alice a glare and follows Austin, muttering ]Stupid girl.

Harvey : [To Austin] Eh? Speak up! [Notices that Austin is halfway up the corridor] I say! Private Sleaze! Is it time to run?

[Realisation dawns on HARVEY as everyone else legs it at the same time, pursued by the girls. They quickly come to the front door, which, surprisingly, is opened.]

Alice : [As everyone bursts out through the door] Where do we go now?

[The party is standing in a busy street, and, although the girl guides are still coming, no one else seems to be paying them any great attention.]

Harvey : [Attempts to close and bolt/lock/block the door] Let's nonchalantly try to stop those evil girl guides from chasing us!

Austin : [To Harvey] Lets nochalantly fail to lock the door so that they can chase us a bit more. [Muses] Then after the chase, perhaps some spanking would be in order [Thinks about this for a moment for effect]

Alice : Spanking? Or having the life beaten out of you? Or does it matter?

[HARVEY pushes the door shut, just as the girl guides approach, sending them all sprawling to the floor.]

Chastity : Oh dear, all their cookies will be smashed to pieces! [Looks around at the others] What do we do now?

Clint : How about finding a bar? That's the best place to get some information. And maybe the smell of alcohol will help me remember how to pick a fight again!

Chastity : For shame, Clint Scar! Thinking about your own needs at a time like this. We would be far better served choosing somewhere that we can keep a low profile for a while to figure out what happened. And possibly get some tea.

[Time passes, with the only sound being a strange whistling sound from ALICE's left nostril.]

Chastity : [Glares at Alice] What?

Alice : I didn't say anything! [Looks around at the others] In fact, no one's said anything!

Harvey : Well troop, what's it to be? Those girl guides are starting to look pretty ugly!

Chastity : [To Austin] I'm sure that a man of the Colonel's excellent upbringing is more than acquainted with the refined things in life. It's the application of discipline and self control amongst certain of this party that's the problem here. [To Harvey] Let's find a secluded corner to plan our next move. So far we've just stumbled from one den of iniquity to another with disastrous consequences! [Looks around the street]

Austin : [Looks at Chastity, then looks at Alice and does cross-eyes. Mimics Chastity] Refined application of discipline. [ To Chastity, casualy] We are here to find the wand and save the world, not hide in a secluded corner, planing for something we know nothing about [Checks his nails, frowns and checks some more]

Chastity : [Making a mock show] Oh, so you actually remember why we're here. And here was I thinking that you'd forgotten and decided to just lose yourself in an orgy of hedonistic sin. [Seriously] We need a quiet place to decide whether we give up looking for help in the hole of debauchery, or persevere. The distractions of the local brandy and culture have proven to be counterproductive at best.

Harvey : [Thundering at Austin] And what do you propose sir? That we stand in the middle of a crowded street discussing our secret [even louder] I say secret plans!

[Some passers by start to look at the party.]

Austin : [To Chastity, still casually checking and re-checking his nails] So, we should find and inn then? [Looks about to see if there is an inn nearby. Then checks his teeth again for pearly whiteness] With all this searching for the, special stick, we must be due some R and R soon.

Clint : I agree with the lawyer, let's find a bar.

[Practically the whole street is lined with sleazy bars and strip shows.]

Clint : I'll scout ahead, and might check out some likely places.

Harvey : Wait a moment, Private. [Points at a bar with a huge neon breast on top] That sign is strangely familiar - I believe our house is just behind it.

Austin : [Looks suprised at Harvey's perception] Excellent Colonel, well spotted. [Muses] We should have a party to celebrate your release.

Harvey : [To the others] Well, come come troop! I feel a bit exposed standing around in this street, in full view of all and sundry! To the house!

Alice : [As the party approach the house] Thank God! Some sanity at last. Hey look! Someone's laid out a red carpet for us - I bet it was the fish, he was really nice. [Face drops] Hey! That's not carpet, it's blood!

Harvey : It's not one of us, is it? [Looks around at the party]

Alice : No, but maybe someone killed the fish?

Chastity : [In mock worry, to Alice] Or maybe the rabbit! [Serious again] Shall we investigate? [Goes to peep into a window]

[Everyone goes up to the window, a-slippin' and a-slidin' on the blood. Through the (shut) window they can see OZZY NICEBOURNE, sprawled on one of the bean bags. He is facing towards the party, but doesn't see them, as he is hunched over, trying to roll up a cheeseratte. He is clearly very badly wounded in the chest and stomach, and has left a blood trail leading in here. As his hands are covered in blood, he is having extreme difficulty, and has several cheeseratte papers stuck to his hands.]

Harvey : Gah! I should have known he'd come to a sticky end!

Alice : Hang on, Uncle Harvey. He's the one who stopped us all from being arrested. He's the one person in this town who's actually done anything to help us. He's the one person in this town that we might be able to trust. He's the - [slips on the blood and falls down] Ow!

Austin : [Sees Ozzy have difficulty rollin a cheeesarette] We should go in and help him [Goes into the house to help Ozzy with his cheesearette, avoiding the blood as much as possible]

Harvey : Good idea, Private Sleaze.

[Enter ALL but ALICE into the house.]

Alice : Hey! Who's going to help me? [To herself] I'll show them. [Gets up, and immediately slips and falls again] Ow. [Gets up, and immediately slips and falls again.] Ow. Maybe I'll just wait here a while.

[Book III, Act VIII, Scene VI. In the Sitting Room. CLINT, AUSTIN, CHASTITY and HARVEY are here, having just arrived in to where OZZY is. The blood is clearly his, and an enormous amount has been spilled. AUSTIN slips in, and takes the paper and cheese from OZZY.]

Ozzy : [Weakly] It's just as well you made it, I can't hold on much longer.

Austin : [Quickly finished the cheesearette construction and pops it into Ozzy's mouth, gets out his lighter and lights it for him] Who did this to you? What's the hell is going on here? [Looks at Ozzy's wounds. Calls to Chastity] I think he could do with some of your [Pauses] special help Chassers.

Chastity : [Slips into the kitchen, wets a tea towel and returns to mop Ozzy's forehead, shaking her head sadly.] I fear we may be too late for that, and since our draining encounter with Roy I don't think I could.

Harvey : [To Austin] Gah! Don't give him something to smoke - don't you know how bad that is for his health?

Ozzy : Things are so messed up here man, the whole place is going to fall apart when people find out what's happening.

Chastity : Why, what's happening?

Ozzy : I'm dying, that's what's happenning! There is something awful going on in the city - Ralph, Ralph!

Clint : Aw, man, is he going to throw up?

Chastity : [Looks at Clint with a tut. To Ozzy] Ralph what? Ralph needs to know? Ralph is in league with the Morcs? Ralph is in league with the Elves? Ralph had the whole world ralphs with you, cry and you cry alone?

Ozzy : Ralph knows - you've got to - got to - unh. [Collapses in a heap]

Harvey : I say! That wasn't very much help, was it?

Ozzy : [Waking up again, and taking a quick drag of his cheeseratte] You've got to take the brewery tour, find out - find out .... [Dies]

Chastity : [Looks round the group. To Ozzy] Hold on, hold on! Find out what?

Ozzy : [Wakes up again with an exhausted sigh] Find out what is really going on, and where Louis XV really comes from. [Dies again, only to wake up once more] Oh yeah, and find out what the hell those shapeshifters have got to do with things. [Dies, just as a huge flash of lightening crashes outside]

Austin : [Rescues the doober and takes a quick drag whilst checking Ozzy's pulse] I guess we'll just have to go on the brewery tour [Takes another drag, blows some smoke rings and hands the doober to Clint]

[OZZY appears to be really dead this time.]

Clint : Thanks, lawyer. [Takes a drag] You know, I can't say that blood on the joint really helps. [Looks at Ozzy] Of course, it's quite possible that he was killed because he in some way helped us.

[Enter ALICE, clearly having fallen at least fourteen or fifteen times, and literally covered in blood.]

Alice : Hey! Thanks for waiting - just what was so important that you couldn't hang on another few seconds?

Harvey : [To Alice] This mans last few drug addled words, my dear niece! [To Clint] It is far more likely that he was killed because he knew something about the shape shifters! That ridiculously fat Harvey was definitely one, troop! So who can tell how much of the town is infected!

Alice : The ridiculously fat Harvey? I thought that was ... [tails off] Shapeshifters, you say?

Chastity : And the bottles of Louis XV seem to be involved as well. [To Harvey] I knew that drink was just trouble.

Harvey : Too right Sister. Unfortunately, once again our voices were drowned out by the ignorant and hedonistic masses. [To Alice] Not you, of course, niece.

Alice : But how did the other Harvey know our names? I thought someone said something about something like that?

Clint : That's right. I definitely remember someone saying something.

Austin : [Muses] The shapeshifters must be after the wand, trying to get it before we do, but we can't tell whos who [Looks at Alice, covered in blood, then at Harvey] The other Harvey did make some critical mistakes, like saying [Does his best Harvey inmpersonation] Jah! [normal voice] instead of [impersonation] Gah!

Chastity : Maybe the shapeshifters are distributing the Louis XV. We've already seen how it can change peoples behaviour patterns [indicates to Alice, Austin and Clint] with you three with your incessant hugging and giggling. With everyone acting peculiarly, the shapeshifters would be able to take their places without fear of their slip-ups being noticed. Last from Samito #17

Austin : And the elves gave us the Louis XV, perhaps they are in league with the shapeshifters, you saw how much they hated humans. [Shrugs] Maybe the Elves are shapeshifters?

Harvey : Hah! Well done, Private Sleaaze, you spotted the clue I gave the shapeshifters to pass on to you. I deliberately planted falsehoods, such as my use of the word Jah, and also some mistruths about the party. For example, I told them that you were a brave fighter*, that Alice was a sluttish girl rather than the dignified young lady we all know and love, and that Sister Chastity, far from being the warm person we all enjoy, was a sarcastic old witch!

Clint : [Starts checking Ozzy's body] Hm, looks like he hasn't got anything. [Looks back at Austin] I presume you relieved him of all his stuff while [quotes] checking his pulse?

Chastity : [To Alice] And here was me thinking Austin at least lived by the restraint of [quotes] anything with a pulse.[stop quotes]

Austin : [Sereenly to Chastity] Alas sister, [Puts a hand on his heart in sincerity, smirking] Life is too short to exclude the dead from ones flock. [To Clint] There was this, Mr. Scar, [Austin gets the orb out of his pocket] An orb of ressurection. I suppose we should really use it on Ozzy, since it was his. Whats says the good sister?

[Book III, Act VII, Scene I. A Palace in Euphoria. ALICE, AUSTIN, CLINT, CHASTITY, HARVEY and ROD are here, having just been escorted from the huge crowd outside. OLIVE, TRISTRAM and SIEGFRIED are also here, in a hugely opulent room.]

Olive : We thank you for bringing the Nascency Fluid. May we have it?

Harvey : [Trying to arrange his uniform into order once more] Why, certainly you can, madam, however, could you please explain to us all why there was such a change in the people of this town? Firstly you were ready to kill us all, and suddenly, certain members wanted, erm, certain natural acts explained to them!

Olive : There has been much debate in Euphoria of late, as to the wisdom of shutting the gates and engaging the Morcs on our own. On one side [glances at Siegfried] some believe that humans are barbaric savages, who have little interest outside procreation and killing, while on the other, there are those who believe that you may have something to teach us.

Siegfried : [Deadpan] There are those who believe that the natural energy of humans is something that Euphoria could benefit from.

[Enter HELEN BACK, with a bottle of brandy and some glasses. The bottle looks similar, but not identical, to the fabled Louis XIV.]

Harvey : [Shakes his head to Helen] Never on an empty stomach, my dear! Could you find it in yourself to bring us some sumptous treats, my dear? [Turns to Olive] And what specifically would you like to be taught?

Helen : I'll see what I can do.

Olive : Elves, and, in particular, Euphoric Elves, are, in general, very calm. Unfortunately, since the Morcs have started to attack us, it appears as though their natural ferocity is a useful weapon.

Siegfried : [With fairly well concealed contempt, but contempt nonetheless] Although the Morcs are savage and warlike, their propensity for destruction is nothing compared to that of humans.

Olive : We are not looking for you personally to teach us something, although we have already learned a valuable lesson from you. It is mankind in general that we are interested in.

Clint : [To Helen] If Harvey's not interested, bring it on over here. What is it?

Helen : [Turns the bottle for all to see] Louis XV brandy.

Rod : Actually, we've refined the combination of violence and procreation to a very gentle, noble

concept: chivalry! [Smiles widely] In fact, I am bounded to uphold that concept, as what we call a knight! And, as you can tell, I'm quite gentle.

Harvey : Louis XV? Surely that label is a misprint, my dear woman, and it should in fact read XIV?

Siegfried : [To Rod] Yes. I'm sure you are. Of course, we elves are also fascinated by the ease with which you humans bear false witness, and your ability to do so to the extent that you yourselves believe it.

[CLINT, AUSTIN and ALICE all exchange excited and astonished looks.]

Alice : Louis XV? Can it be? [Wipes some saliva from her lower lip, before looking puzzled] Hey! Who's saliva is that?

Helen : Oh yes. It is only available in Euphoria. However, I will put it away until afer you've eaten.

Clint : [Leaping up, drawing his sword and shouting] No! [Calms down, puts the sword away, and sits] I mean, no.

Rod : [Looks to the rest of the party] Is the stuff really that good? I've heard of it obviously, but knights of my order aren't allowed to imbibe in alcohol, so I've never actually had any. [To Siegfried] If I may, sir. How many humans have you met prior to us, pretell?

Harvey : [To Clint] Careful private! We must observe protocol and etiquette at all costs!

[HELEN pours out three glasses of the brandy, one for each of ALICE, CLINT and AUSTIN.]

Siegfried : [To Rod] I have met a large number of them. There are quite a number living in Euphoria.

Harvey : [Surprised] They live here? From your reaction earlier, I was quite sure that you wouldn't have a human within a million miles of this city!

Rod : [Nods] Well, isn't that spiffy. So, if you are able to co-exist with them, surely they can't all be that savage.

Siegfried : [To Harvey] That is true.

Olive : [To Rod] Alas, we do not co-exist. The humans have their own part of the city, and betray little interest in interacting with us. It has been this way for a long time. We elves are often dismayed at the lack of interest humans show in the events around them.

[Everyone glances to one side, where ALICE, CLINT and AUSTIN sit transfixed at the manner in which the brandy reflects the light.]

Harvey : Perhaps it's your attitude towards them that causes their disinterested attitude towards you. Perhaps if we spoke with them, or at least, their leader or commander, then perhaps we could start bridging the gap between elves and humans.

Olive : I fear that it is their disinterest and behaviour that has caused our attitude. However, if you feel speaking to them would help, we would appreciate that.

Siegfried : There is no point. They cannot be reasoned with. They are animals. I am very much against it.

[In one swift and glorious movement, each of ALICE, CLINT and AUSTIN lift their glasses and down the drink. All three stare at each other in shock.]

Rod : Now I'm all for helping improve human / elf relations in your city, but shouldn't our focus be breaking the Morcish siege first before they resort to more barbaric tactics? [Openly shivers as the opening chords to "Don't Turn Around" play in his mind]

Chastity : [To Alice, Clint and Austin] Well?

Alice : [Curling herself up and rubbing herself all over] Oh my god, oh my god...

Clint : More! More! More!

Austin : [Struggling to remain calm] That's the best God damned drink I've ever tasted!

Harvey : [To Rod] Certainly our attention should be on the siege, and it is, good sir! For imagine how the defence forces would swell in size if the human population of this town joined the ranks of the elves! Why, I'm sure we could easily repel the Morc invasion!

Siegfried : [Rolling his eyes, although it isn't clear if this is at Harvey or at Austin and the others] I'm sure we could easily repel the Morc invasion without them. What I would like to know is why you came to Euphoria? [Glances at Helen] Perhaps that's enough for a while.

Olive : [Gently] They came to bring us the Nascency Fluid.

Siegfried : I know they brought it, but I doubt that was the only reason they came.

Harvey : Bringing you the fluid is reason enough for now.

Siegfried : [Leans over to Olive] Do you see? This is precisely what I was afraid of. Because they do us a good turn, we are expected to become beholden to them, and to permit the free reign in our city without any further information.

Olive : I'm sorry, Harvey, but we really would like to know why you are here.

[HELEN disappears with the brandy, to the obvious disappointment of ALICE, AUSTIN and CLINT.]

Chastity : Surely the most pressing matter for anyone within this town, be they Elf or human, is the Morc attack. [Sighs] But if you insist. We are here to find an artefact thought to have been left here by one of the Colonel's ancestors.

Olive : [With some surprise] Faern?

Harvey : No one is expecting you to be beholden to us, my dear! We have brought you the fluid, offered to stand and fight with you, even offered to attempt to unite your race with the humans living in this city. [Stomach rumbles massively] What we really want is lunch, my dear!

Olive : [Slowly holds her hand up] Soon, Colonel. Please understand that it is important for us to know why people are in our city.

Siegfried : [To Olive] Lunch? After lunch they will probably wish to copulate.

Olive : And we might join them, Siegfried, so that some of their savage ways may rub off on us.

Clint : [Making a gun shape with his hand, that he points at Olive] Click-click!

Harvey : [Sighs sadly] In that case, yes, Faern. He brought an item here a long time ago which we need in our present quest.

Siegfried : [Stands up and addresses Olive] I propose that they be immediately expelled from the city. I have neither the time nor the inclination to try and extract this information from them. They have nothing but confirm all my beliefs about humans.

[Storms out.]

Clint : [Half heartedly calling out] Er, does that mean we don't get any more brandy?

Harvey : [Watches Siegfried depart] I believe he would have had the same reaction had I asked for a creme broulee! He wanted to find fault with us from the begining.

Olive : [Softly] That is not true Colonel. Compared to other species, Elves are unusually open with each other, and do not keep secrets from one another. Consequently, it is alien for us to be amongst those who do keep secrets, especially strangers who have come into our city.

Clint : So we're still gonna get laid after lunch? And drink more brandy?

Olive : That remains to be seen.

Alice : [Takes both Clint and Austin by the arm] You know, I'm [emphasises] so glad that the two of you were the ones to share this experience with me. [Kisses each of them on the cheek]

Chastity : Alice Bassett-Short! There is a time and a place for such explicit displays of affection. And this is neither! You don't want to be swamped by horny elven folk again? [To Olive] Maybe we had better go to the human quarter, before certain members of the party become distracted again. [Eyes Alice, Austin and Clint suspiciously]

Alice : Aw, come on, Chastity! If I can't be affectionate to my best friends, who can I do it with?

Olive : [Sadly to Chastity] I'm afraid it won't be possible for you to go to the human quarter without telling us why you really came to Euphoria.

Chastity : [To Olive] The artifact we seek is a wand. We hope it will help us identify the evil shapeshifters, which is crucial to our holy quest from Phili.

Harvey : As I said, our reason for coming to Euphoria was to reclaim the wand brought here by Faern. That was, and still is our intention, however, times being what they are, we have become involved in this current struggle, and have offered our help.

Olive : [Inclines her head gently to Chastity] Thank you for your frankness, Sister. The wand is almost certainly in the human quarter.

Austin : [Gives Alice a brotherly hug] Well said, Alice. Love of your fellow party member is no sin, isn't that right, Stinky? [Punches Clint on the arm as hard as he can, with the result that Clint barely notices it]

Chastity : [Glancing at Austin, Alice and Clint again. Aside to Harvey] Colonel, I'm bit worried at the behaviour of those three. Much to amicable for my liking. I mean compared to usual. [To Olive] Please tell me, does that drink you served them have any particular properties about it?

Olive : Yes. It is simply the most wonderful drink that any one has ever tasted. People often experience a new found appreciation for things and people that they take for granted upon first tasting it. Like the memory of its wonderful taste, the memory of this appreciation never quite leaves them.

Harvey : I see. [Turns to Alice] Why dearest niece, I think it's perhaps in everyones best interest if the three of you refrain from imbibing further, eh!

Alice : [Smiles knowingly at Harvey] I'm just fine, Harvey. We can get some later, right boys? [Gives each of Clint and Austin's arms a squeeze]

Clint : Of course, babe! [Pinches Alice's bum]

Harvey : [Quietly to Austin and Clint] I'll hold you directly responsible should any mishap befall my niece, understand? [Turns to Olive] If the wand is in the human quarter, then perhaps we should go there immediately after lunch. Is this possible?

Alice : [Laughs] You cheeky rascal!

Austin : Good Colonel! With Clint and I to protect her, what ill could possibly befall her? [Gives his sleaziest smile]

Olive : Of course, Colonel.

[Enter HELEN, TRISTRAM and SIEGFRIED, the first two of whom are carrying trays of food.]

Siegfried : So it is possible for you to be truthful after all. I hope you believe Olive when she told you that we Elves are always truthful, and that I have your best interests at heart when I tell you that you shouldn't waste your time in the human quarter.

Harvey : And why is that, sir? Surely they will act differently towards a fellow human, than they would towards an elf?

Siegfried : I have no doubt but that they will. However, if your intention is to persuade them to join the war effort, then you are wasting your time. Furthermore, they are very possessive of their magical items - as a human you are probably used to this - so it is unlikely that they would agree to return yours.

[The food is put out. There are steaks, chops, a soused pigs head, complete with apple, golden honeyed locusts, jellied eels, thrushes ankles, snakes feet, crispy popadoms and curried brussel sprouts.]

Alice : Excellent! [Swallows a few eels, before squirming with delight] Oh my God! That's the nicest thing I've ever tasted!

Clint : [Eating some golden honeyed locusts] I never realised how delicious these were until today! [To Harvey] Good choice Harv! [Puts some on his pockets]

Harvey : [Eyes light up when he spots the food] By the saints, what a feast fit for a king! [Bows to the elves, before scooping up a handful of locusts, munching happily] Perhaps you underestimate them, my dear sir! I'm sure the men will readily agree to join in the defence of this city, when they realise what is going on!

Siegfried : [Watching Austin firing golden honeyed locusts across the table and into Alice's mouth] I'm sure I haven't underestimated humans.

Rod : [Helping himself to a pig's ear] When can we visit these humans?

Olive : As soon as you wish.

Harvey : [Crunches loudly through a popadom] Then I think we should pay them a visit as soon as our lunch is finished! Wonderful, wonderful food, by the way!

Alice : [Gorging herself on a huge handful of snakes feet] Phili on a horse! This is the greatest meal ever served, by anyone, ever!

Chastity : [Grimacing at Alice's actions] If only the same could be said about the manner in which it is being consumed. [Daintily nibbles on a curried brussel sprout]

Clint : Only another glass of that drink could possibly be better than this marvellous food! [Picks up the apple from the pig's head, bites it, and puts it back on its place, before gorging himself on jellied eels]

Chastity : [Eagerly] If [horrible quotes] that drink [end quotes] is tea, then I could do with a cup as well, please. [Rolls up some thrushes ankles in a piece of steak, slices it nicely and pops some into her mouth, being careful to chew with her mouth closed]

Austin : [After gorging himself on the delightful honeyeyed locusts. Lights three cigarettes and offers one to Alice, and one to Clint] Nothing like a nice smoke after a good munch. [To Olive] A nice glass of your peerless brandy would complete the meal nicely, [To Alice and Clint] Another glass I think!

Rod : [Turns toward Siegfried whilst he chews on his pig's ear.] By human standards, what sort of folks are the ones living in the human quarter? I mean, don't get me wrong I'm all for making new friends, but I've mistakenly stumbled onto too many hamlets of rampaging cannibals to not be a bit cautious.

Chastity : [Nods her head, nearly says something but realises that her mouth is still full, so laboriously finishes chewing first] And do they have a localised hierarchy? Who would we be best to contact on out arrival?

Siegfried : By human standards, they appear to be quite civilised, so prepare for the worst type of rampaging cannibals. [To Chastity] The humans keep their affairs to themselves, but I believe there is a recognised leader. I will have his name for you before we bring you to them.

Helen : I shall fetch more brandy and some tea.

[Exit HELEN.]

Alice : [Gushing] Wow! Thanks Austin. [Takes an enormous drag of the cigarette, before breathing out a cloud of smoke that fills the entire room] Hey, these are excellent cigarettes, they're really, really good!

[SIEGFRIED, OLIVE and TRISTRAM cough and try to wave away some of the smoke.]

Chastity : [Produces a tea-towel from her bag to help waft away the smoke] Disgusting habit! [Coughs looks at her smokey tea-towel] Oh, my mistake, it's a tea-towel. [Puts it away again, smiling at her weak pun. Shev then pops an entire small sprout into her mouth and sits back, briefly allowing herself to revel in the mirth she has caused]

Rod : [Waves away the smoke from himself with the pig's other ear, which he also plans to eat.]

Alice : Oh, Chastity! You're so funny! [Laughs and laughs] Disgusting habit! [Laughs so hard that some milk comes down her nose]

Siegfried : [With barely concealed contempt for the party] And when do you wish to visit the human quarter.

Harvey : [Laughing long and loud] Why sister, that is just the best thing in the world! Confusing your habit with your tea towel! By the saints, just wonderful! [Wipes tears from his eyes and turns to Siegfried] I think we'll visit the quarter after this most wonderful lunch!

Clint : Yes! Unless of course Alice, Austin and me we'll share yet another glass of that liquor from heaven!

Chastity : [To Harvey] I think we'd better get going.

Alice : [Pretending to be annoyed at Clint, but her huge smile betrays this] Oh, go on then, if you're going to make such a song and dance about it, I'll go for a cheeky half glass.

Siegfried : [To Chastity and Harvey] I do not believe they should take anymore. Euphoria is not the place for intoxicated humans. If you insist on going to Mermantort, you will find that it is an entirely more appropriate place for that type of behaviour.

Olive : [By way of explanation] Mermantort is the Elven name for the human quarter.

Chastity : [To Olive] Do you know how the humans refer to the human quarter?

Olive : No. They tend not to communicate very well with Elves.

Chastity : [Stands up, to the party] Well I think we should we should head off for Mermantort. I don't think those Morcs outside will wait for the convenience of our dining requirements.

Austin : [To Olive] Disturbingly antisocial behaviour, considering the undoubted fact that, [Endearing pause] you are, most farvorable hosts. [Winks at Alice, smiling]

[ALICE doesn't reply, and just gives a foolish giggle.]

Siegfried : [Rolls his eyes] Are you ready?

Chastity : [With some urgency] Yes.

Austin : [To Siegfried] I'd say. [Does a Clint style finger gun at Siegfried] Ready when you are Siegi. [Chuckles]

Clint : Ah!, Siegi, nice one! [Point a finger gun at Austin] Click-click!

Siegfried : My name is Siegfried.

Alice : [Scolding Clint and Austin] Yes, his name is Siegfried, so don't call Siegi Siegi any more, okay?

[Exit ALL.]

[Book III, Act VIII, Scene II. The Gates of Mermantort. ALICE, AUSTIN, CLINT, CHASTITY, HARVEY and ROD are here, having been brought here by OLIVE, SIEGFRIED and HELEN.]

Olive : [Gesturing at the gateway, which is a large portcullis, leading into what appears to be a large castle] The humans are just through this gateway.

Siegfried : This is a wase of time. I suggest you forget trying to get your wand from them, and simply return home.

Chastity : [To Siegfried] You forget that we are also here to try and convince the humans to join with you elves in fighting off the Morcs. Given that the wand is of no use to us if we can't get away because of the Morcs I'd say that was our primary objective, at the moment. [Turns away, and then quickly turns back to Siegfried] And don't say that you think it'll be a waste of time.

Alice : [Looks through the portcullis] Where are the humans?

Olive : Through the other portcullis at the far end.

[This seems reasonable, as there is a tunnel leading a short distance to another one. The one near the party starts to open up.]

Siegfried : [To Chastity] This is a waste of time. [To Austin] I do not question your motives, but your actions. It doesn't matter how much you think you need that wand, the humans are unlikely to give it to you.

Harvey : It may turn out that way, but we must attempt it at any rate.

Chastity : [Watching the portcullis continue to open, to Harvey] I know that the humans and elves weren't on the best of terms, but I didn't think that the social divide would have been this extreme. I expected wire fences, roads strewn with stones and flasks, the odd burnt out cart, you know traditional boundry inner city social boundry markers. [To Olive] Will you keep this barrier open until we get through the other side?

Olive : Of course. I wish you luck.

[The party go through the portcullis, which shuts after them.]

Olive : I am sorry, but the humans insist on it.

Chastity : [Visibly dissappointed] Not as sorry as I am. So much for the superior noblilty of the elves. I didn't think you would lie so easily. [Turns and looks at the tunnel and postcullis] I hate these situations!

Olive : Oh, Chastity, please don't think that it was easy, for bearing false witness does not come easily to us.

[OLIVIA turns to go, followed by HELEN.]

Siegfried : [Impassively looking through the portcullis] Don't forget, I did try to stop you.

[From inside, it is clear that the far portcullis doesn't lead anywhere, and has a blank wall behind it.]

Clint : [Hugging Alice and Austin] Yeah Siggi, don't be so negative! Life is so short, enjoy it!

Chastity : [Looking a bit more worriedly round the tunnel] Did I say I hate these situations!

Alice : I don't remember.

[Time passes]

Alice : [To Chastity] How do you feel about these situations?

Chastity : Shush, Child. [Looks aorund the tunnel] Oh, well, no option really. [Shouts out] Hello? Any fellow humans about?

Austin : [Hugs Alice, gleefully to Chastity] Just us !

Alice : And when we've got friends, what else do we need?

[A huge trapdoor opens, sending the party sprawling through, and onto a large slide, heading downwards at speed.]

Harvey : Gah!

Austin : [To Alice as they slide] Some cheese you be nice!

Chastity : [Trying to clutch her bag whilst looking down the slide] I hate these situations!

Clint : [Struggling to hug Alice and Austin as they slide, accidently poking Alice in the eye] That would only strengthen our bounds of friendship, if that were possible!

Austin : [To Alice, whilst sliding and hugging] Did I ever tell you that you were beautiful? [Strokes Alice's hair] 'Last from Mi & Sa #14

Alice : Ow! It's okay Clint, I know it was an accident. [Pulls out some cheese that was wrapped in a cigarette paper and stuffed down her sock] Here we go!

[The party hit the bottom with a thump causing ALICE to drop her stash. The party end up in a heap in a small room with a stern looking guard, ROCK, who glares at them.]

Rod : [Climbs out from under the others and quickly extends a hand out to ROCK] Greetings! We come with nothing but the friendliest intentions!

Harvey : [Glares at Rock] I say, fellow, what sort of welcome is this, eh? Send helter skelter through a trapdoor, without any consideration for the contents of ones pockets! [Sadly picks a few broken, cracked and crushed golden honeyed locusts from his pocket, before stuffing them into his mouth]

Clint : Not to worry, Harvey!, I've kept a good few myself! [Hands some golden honeyed locusts to Harvey] [To Rod] Want some too? They're de-li-cious! Yam yam! To Rock You too, have some!

Rod : [To Clint] No thank you, comrade. My belly is overloaded with a joyful bounty of pig's ear! [Looks back over to ROCK] See? We offer food, good company, and democracy. What more could you POSSIBLY WANT!?!

Alice : [Tearing up at Clint's generosity] You know, that's one of the most beautiful things I've ever seen!

Rock : Food, good company and democracy? Are you sure that's all you brought?

Clint : No, we've also got a woman of the cloth. But she's ok, you know.

Rock : And what about this? [Picks up Alice's cheese stash]

Chastity : [Puts her hand on her hip. To Alice] I hope you can explain that? [Goes to gesture to Rock, but finds her hand is all stringy and sticky] Gah, someones stuck gum to the slide. Why do people do that?

Austin : [To Rock, requesting the stash] Allow me to demonstrate.

Alice : And when we've got friends, what else do we need?

[A huge trapdoor opens, sending the party sprawling through, and onto a large slide, heading downwards at speed.]

Harvey : Gah!

Austin : [To Alice as they slide] Some cheese you be nice!

Chastity : [Trying to clutch her bag whilst looking down the slide] I hate these situations!

Clint : [Struggling to hug Alice and Austin as they slide, accidently poking Alice in the eye] That would only strengthen our bounds of friendship, if that were possible!

Austin : [To Alice, whilst sliding and hugging] Did I ever tell you that you were beautiful? [Strokes Alice's hair] 'Last from Mi & Sa #14

Alice : Ow! It's okay Clint, I know it was an accident. [Pulls out some cheese that was wrapped in a cigarette paper and stuffed down her sock] Here we go!

[The party hit the bottom with a thump causing ALICE to drop her stash. The party end up in a heap in a small room with a stern looking guard, ROCK, who glares at them.]

Rod : [Climbs out from under the others and quickly extends a hand out to ROCK] Greetings! We come with nothing but the friendliest intentions!

Harvey : [Glares at Rock] I say, fellow, what sort of welcome is this, eh? Send helter skelter through a trapdoor, without any consideration for the contents of ones pockets! [Sadly picks a few broken, cracked and crushed golden honeyed locusts from his pocket, before stuffing them into his mouth]

Clint : Not to worry, Harvey!, I've kept a good few myself! [Hands some golden honeyed locusts to Harvey] [To Rod] Want some too? They're de-li-cious! Yam yam! To Rock You too, have some!

Rod : [To Clint] No thank you, comrade. My belly is overloaded with a joyful bounty of pig's ear! [Looks back over to ROCK] See? We offer food, good company, and democracy. What more could you POSSIBLY WANT!?!

Alice : [Tearing up at Clint's generosity] You know, that's one of the most beautiful things I've ever seen!

Rock : Food, good company and democracy? Are you sure that's all you brought?

Clint : No, we've also got a woman of the cloth. But she's ok, you know.

Rock : And what about this? [Picks up Alice's cheese stash]

Chastity : [Puts her hand on her hip. To Alice] I hope you can explain that? [Goes to gesture to Rock, but finds her hand is all stringy and sticky] Gah, someones stuck gum to the slide. Why do people do that?

Austin : [To Rock, requesting the stash] Allow me to demonstrate.

Rock : [Hands it over, looking sceptical] Go on.

Clint : Wohoo! The man's cool!

Chastity : [Looking from Austin to Rock] This should be interesting.

Austin : [Lights up a doober, take a few draws and blows some smoke rings, then hands the doober to Alice. To Alice] Honey bee, that is the sweetest smoke of the century. I believe that it deserves a place in the Queens View book of records.

Harvey : [With an even more sceptical look on his face than Rock] I must admit, Sister, I'm rather curious about this myself!

Alice : [Takes a drag and gives a satisfied sigh] Ah! Thanks Aus, but a lot of it is in the rolling too. [Passes it on to Clint]

Rock : Is that what I think it is?

Clint : Thanks beauty! [Takes a drag] [To Rock] That depends. What do you think this is?

Rock : I think it's an illegal cheese cigarette, of the type particularly frowned upon by the Elven city elders. [Holds out his hand] Is it?

Clint : [With a big smile on his cheeks, hands the dobber to Rock] As I was saying, the man's cool!

Austin : [Sigh!] What a beautiful view. Life really is great. [Makes a finger gun at Clint] Click-click! [Winks at Alice and hands her stash back to her]

Alice : Thanks Aussie! [Slips it back down her sock.]

[HARVEY says nothing, but looks in horror at CLINT, and then at ROCK.]

Rock : [Takes a huge drag of the cigarette, before letting it back out again] Well, it's not as strong as the cheese we normally see here, but it'll do. [Gives a huge smile] Welcome to Mermantort!

Austin : [To Rock] It is a pleasure to be here. Will you give us a tour? [Smiles]

Chastity : [To Harvey] Why do I get the feeling we are about to enter a den of eniquity the likes of which even Clint hasn't dreamt of. [Clutches her bag tightly]

Alice : Oh, come on, Chas! Don't be such a - [draws the outline of a square with her index fingers, and leaves an outline, a la Pulp Fiction]

Rock : Sure, I'll give you a tour, but I'll bet you want to go to Bawdy Waltons. Everyone wants to go there.

Alice : [Jumping up and down with her hand in the air] Me! Me! Me! I want to go to Bawdy Murphys! I really, really want to go! I've wanted to go to Bawdy Murphys as long as I can remember!

Rock : It's called Bawdy Waltons.

Alice : [Dismissive wave of her hand] Whatever.

Clint : Cool! Super cool! Let's go then. We've all been looking forward to some relaxing time, after all the time spent with the Elves. [Winks at Harvey] Right Harv?

Harvey : [Darkly] Let's not relax too much, Private Sleaze.

[Enter SCISSORS, a scrawny looking man with a hat that is far too small for him, who glares at ROCK.]

Scissors : What the hell are you doing? [Looks at the party] What the hell are you doing?

Rod : [Immediately steps up to explain, confident smile on his face] Why, my good sir, we were just enjoying an illegal narcotic with your welcoming committee! [Motions to ROCK] He was just about to give the lot of us a tour of your no doubt wonderful hamlet of human virtue!

Scissors : The hell he is! [To Rock] Get back there. [Points at the gate]

Rock : No, you get in!

[There is a brief stand off, and slowly SCISSORS takes up position at the gate.]

Rock : So, where would you like to see first?

Austin : [To Rock] We will leave that to your discretion sir, you seem to have an admirable command of the of the present area and staff.

Chastity : Well what are the places of interest here, apart from Bawdy Waltons.

Rock : Well, there probably isn't anywhere else. Unless...

Harvey : [Snorts] I say, perhaps you have something a little more cultural in this quarter than Bawdy Murphys. A museum, perhaps?

Rock : [Thinks for a moment] Well, there's that collection of pieces of chewing gum in the back room of Bawdy Murphys.

Alice : It's called Bawdy Waltons.

Rock : [Dismissive wave of his hand] Whatever.

Austin : [To Rock] Well that sounds just dandy. Let's go! [Does finger pistol at Alice] Click-click. Here's lookin' at you babe! [Smiles all happily. To Clint and Alice] I know we are just going to have the most fun time.

Chastity : Just as long as the main purpose of our visit isn't forgotten.

Alice : Of course we haven't forgotten! [Takes Clint and Austin by the arm so she's in the middle] What was it again?

Rock : Ha! You're going to fit right in here! [Pushes open the door of Bawdy Waltons]

[The bar is absolutely heaving with people, who seem to having a fantastic time, and are singing and carousing. It is almost impossible to see the bar, there are so many people. Just as ROCK opens the door, a girl falls out, and pukes all over the ground outside.]

Alice : [Looking in, wide-eyed] Wow! This place has class!

Clint : [Trying to push his way in] Let's go, let's go!

Chastity : [Watching Clint's feeble efforts at making headway towards the bar. To Clint] Tut, you'd think after all this time you do a bit better. [Steps over the vomiting female to the door. Shouting into the crowd] Clear the way, one handed Nun coming through!

Austin : [To Alice and Clint] Excellent, Chassers is buying the first round!

Alice : Yay! Excellent, thanks Chas!

[Slowly, and painfully, the party force their way to the front. Despite the crowds, no one seems to be trying to get served, and the barman is standing with his back to the party, talking to someone on the other side of the bar.]

Harvey : [Knocks repeatedly on the counter] I say, I say, chappie! I demand service, what!

Rod : [Somewhat ill at ease] Boy, am I sure glad none of us are claustrophobic..[Sweating profusely] Anyone like that would be near catatonic with fear when put in this sort of situation.

Clint : [To Rod] Don't be scared! Everyone here seems to share our love for life and happiness. Let's all share a drink, I'm paying!

Alice : Yay! Come on, barkeep, serve up some love!

[The barman turns and glares at the party, it is HIMO JARL.]

Himo : What the hell do you want?

Alice : [Lamely] Er, some love?

Austin : [To Himo] Hey, Himo, how are you! Good to see that you too have survived the ravages of time [Checks his nails] Unfortunatley Ms. Jarl has left our company, seeking tutalage from a learned swordmaster. [Glances around the bar] Popular place you have here, you don't happen to have any Louis XV, perchance?

Himo : I knew she would be able to stand you for very much longer. [Takes a bottle from behind the counter, and slams it down in front of Austin] First bottle's free.

Clint : [Looking from Austin to Alice] Could it be? [Picks up the bottle, opens it and smells it]

[The look on CLINT's face is enough to suggest that it most probably is.]

Harvey : [With a worried glance at Chastity] Er, steady on now, Private, let's not forget the mission.

Chastity : Quite right, Colonel. The effect one glass was enough to have Clint and Austin hugging. I don't want to think what the effect of a whole bottle would be!

Harvey : Well said, Sister. [Catches hold of the bottle] Right, troop. Business first, fun later. Last from Conor #65

Austin : [Snatches the bottle from Harvey and takes a swing] Ahhh! That is definitley the business. [Hands the bottle to Alice]

[AUSTIN tries to take the bottle, but HARVEY pulls it away.]

Harvey : Stand down, Private!

Alice : Aw, come on, Harvey! Don't be such a buzzkill!

[Some of the people around start looking at the party.]

Chastity : I think you'll find that the [annoying quotes] buzzkill [end quotes] is not the good Colonel here, but in fact the hordes of Morcs battering at the city gates with our brutal demise on their minds. That is one of our main concerns at the moment, not standing at a bar and having a bit of a jolly! [To Himo] Who is in charge of Mermantort?

Clint : [To Harvey] Why don't you try just a drink? It won't hurt, believe me! [Huge badly-disguised wink to Alice and Austin]

Himo : That would be Ralph Walton.

Alice : [Slips over to the other side of Harvey] You don't even have to drink some, just let us have it!

Harvey : [Shakes his head] Sorry dear niece, but the answer is no, no and thrice no! We need to keep our wits about us down here, not steep them in spirits! [To Himo] And where would we find this Ralph Walton?

Alice : [Clearly taken aback at Harvey] Uh, what was the second one again?

Himo : Keep up that uncool attitude, and you'll be taken to him.

[The customers around HARVEY begin to grumble, clearly not happy with his kill joy ways.]

Harvey : [To Alice] I believe it was no, dearest niece! Although it pains me to deny you even your slightest whim, it is of the utmost importance to do so!

Clint : But why Harv? We can all be happy!

[Enter PAPER, a town guard.]

Paper : What seems to be the problem here?

Chastity : [To Paper] There is no problem here. Can you take us to Ralph Walton? [Glances at the bottle of Louis XV] Ther equicker, the better. We have some business of the utmost importance to discuss with him.

Paper : There is the matter of your joy.

Chastity : [Forces a smile] Well, I'm joyful. [Gives Harvey a mock playful clap on the back] How about you, Colonel? Last from Sam #77 Austin : [To Paper] There would be considerably more joy if he [Points at Harvey] gave me back my Louis XV! [To Paper] It was daylight robbery [Appeals to the crowd] You all saw him didn't you? Stealing my Louis XV ! Dr. Dominic Job, Psychiatry, UoE, Kennedy Tower, REH, Morningside Park, Edinburgh EH10 5HF

Tel: 0131 537 6763 FAX: 0131 537 6531

Crowd : Yes, we all saw him!

Paper : [To Harvey, holding up a badge] Inspector Paper, of the Smile Police. If you continue with this behaviour, I'm going to have to arrest you on suspicion of not being intoxicated.

Harvey : Eh? [To the party] What nonsense is this chappie spouting?

Austin : [To Harvey] He makes perfect sense to me, colonel. Please return my Louis XV to me, without further delay. Or Inspector Paper might arrest you on charges of theft, sobriety and killjoy behaviour.

Chastity : [To Paper] Is this sobriety law enforced throughout Mermantort, or just in places such as this bar?

Paper : [Gives Chastity an incredulous look] Woah! Listen lady, this is no places for your aggression. Barman! Six shots of brandy. [Puts on a tough face] Justice is dispensed fast and without mercy in Merwontort.

Alice : I thought this was Mermantort?

[PAPER just glares at her.]

Austin : [To Alice] Who cares? We have been ordered to have fun and we are getting free Louis XV. What more could a girl want [Winks at Alice, smiling].

Alice : I'll tell you in a little while. [Points at Austin, gun style, making that irritating "click-click" sound, before knocking back one of the brandies]

Austin : [To Alice] Whenever you are ready [Winks and downs a brandy]

Rod : [Jumps from his barstool and attempts to grab Paper by the collar, a wild look in his eye] Don't you see!? Ralph Walton! Ralph Walton said backwards is 'Notlaw Hplar"! NOT LAW! You're being led down the slip-and-slide of oblivion by a false prophet! IT'S TOO STUFFY IN HERE! Why are you all staring at me like that!? I told you I hated crowds! [Begins openly weeping]

Harvey : You see, this man is completely, I belive the phrase is, partied out! See what all this fun and jubilation can result in? [Points at Rod] A mere shattered wreck of humankind, washed up on the great garbage heap of emotion, what! [Drops the bottle on the floor] Oops!

Austin : [Stares aghast at the broken bottle, looks at Harvey] Typical! [Folds his arms and sulks] For the first time in aeon we are offered plesant hospitality and you drop it on the floor. [To Harvey] You will of course be compensating me for the dammage you caused to my property?

Chastity : [To Harvey] Oops, you butter fingers, Colonel. I believe Austin is correct, though. Dig into your pocket and re-pay him what he spent on that bottle, which was nothing I believe.

Austin : [To Chastity, furiously] So you are claiming that if the Colonel repays me what I paid for the bottle, which is nothing, then the debt is settled?

Chastity : Oh, no. Of course not. I'm sure he should apologise for being so clumsy in the first place. After all, I'm sure it was an accident. [Looks to Harvey]

Austin : [To Chastity] So you are claiming that if the Colonel appologises then it's quits and he owes me nothing?

Chastity : Oh come on now. It was an accident between friends, was it not? What happened to all the group hugs and love from earlier?

Austin : [To Chastity, stroppily] It was quite obviously a deliberate action. You and the Colonel seem to be hell bent on disrupting and avoiding fun, group hugs and happyness.

[A hush comes over the crowd, as they gasp in shock at HARVEY's act of vandalism.]

Alice : I - I'm so shocked! I mean, it has turned me right off the mood for having sex!

Paper : [Pushes Rod off him] I know how to deal with you! [Pulls out a spray can and sprays it liberally at Rod and the others.]

Chastity : Not so. We are merely trying to provided some much needed focus to the group. The brandy drinking seems to have somewhat blurred this some members cases.

[Book III, Act VIII, Scene III. The Sitting Room. HARVEY, CHASTITY and ROD are here, waking up. This is a large room with several beanbags and other soft furnishings that they are sprawled around on. There are a number of lava lamps dotted around the room, and the smell of cheese hangs heavy in the air. All three are dressed in tie-dyed outfits, and are wearing various love beads. HARVEY and CHASTITY have flowers painted on their faces, while ROD is also wearing a bandana. There is no sign of their clothes, although there is a blanket on one side of the room, covering something large.]

Harvey : [Sitting up] Gah! What's going on? [Looks around the room] By the saints!

Austin : [Pokes his head out from under the blanket] I hate it when this happens [Examines his body parts to check that they are all there and tattoo free etc. Looks around for some clothes. To Harvey] Are there any spare clothes around anywhere Colonel?

Clint : [From underneath the blanket] Keep it down, some people are trying to sleep in here! [Sticks his head out of the blanket] What's going on here? [Sees Austin] Gah!

Harvey : Clothes? [Gives a shiver] There appear to be some gowns and some - [look of horror comes over his face] who else is underneath that blanket?

Harvey : [Mouth drops open in shock] Eh? [Thinks for a moment] You know, I almost wish that Alice was under there.

Alice : [Popping up from beneath the blanket, looking sleepy] Hey, everyone.

Harvey : Gah!

Chastity : [Looking around, holding her head] This is precisely the place I thought that brandy would lead to! Oh, my behind! I wish I had a left hand to ease it with! [Awkwardly tries to rub with her right hand} know, I

Harvey : Good Sister, I would have hoped that nothing in this or any world could have lead to - to this! [Waves at the three heads popping out from under the blanket]

Chastity : Well at least we're all here together. [Glances at Austin, Clint and Alice]Although some of us do seem to be a bit too together! I'm not sure if I'm relieved or horrified. [Looks between Alice and Clint, with a look of simultaneous look of realisation and horror] Tell me you didn't.

Alice : [Indignantly] Of course we didn't! [Rolls her eyes] Tut!

[Short pause.]

Alice : [Whispers to Clint] Didn't what?

Clint : [To Alice] Click-click!

Austin : [Stands up making no attempt to cover him self up. Walks over and gets three gowns and drops one beside Alice and one beside Clint. To Chastity] Another fine mess you've got us into [Sniggers. To Alice] Is there any cheese left? [Examines Maplin, smiles and then puts on a gown]

Alice : [Deep sigh] You know, I promised myself this wouldn't ever happen again.

Harvey : [Horrified] Again! God Lord, niece, how can you make jokes like that at a time like this, having woken up with two men, [somewhat hopefully] wearing little more than your pyjamas!

Clint : [Looking under the blanket] Sorry to disappoint you Harv, but... [Pause] I suppose I better go and get dressed.

Chastity : [In a helpful tone] Well I suppose that blanket IS a little more than her pyjamas!

Austin : [Looks at Chastity, then Harvey] Oh,, I thought you were refering to the smiley face I drew on her bum. [Looks around for some cheese, casualy]

Harvey : Okay, everyone cover their eyes while Alice gets up!

[HARVEY covers his eyes, while everyone else watches ALICE struggle with the dressing gown, before eventually getting it back on.]

Alice : Er, it's okay, everyone, you can look now. Nice flowers, Chastity. Anyone got any water? I've got a really strange taste in my mouth.

Harvey : Eh? At least things aren't gone completely crazy - Private Sleaze still makes no sense.

[There is a small amount of parmesan, carelessly spilled on top of a Play Station along with some discarded cheeseratte papers.]

Austin : [After a pause to watch Alice get dressed. Swifty constructs a doober] Anyone got a light?

Alice : Sure, there's one in my... [looks around] Hey! Where's all our stuff?

Harvey : It would appear that our kit has been stolen while we were unconscious, and my fine linen shirt was replaced with [gestures in disgust at his tie dye shirt] this rag! [Loudly] I say, a mans shirt is his castle, and should never be removed without permission!

Alice : [Defensively] I didn't take it off him! [Looks at Austin and Clint] Them! [Looks back at Harvey] What?

Harvey : It would appear that our kit has been stolen while we were unconscious, and my fine linen shirt was replaced with [gestures in disgust at his tie dye shirt] this rag! [Loudly] I say, a mans shirt is his castle, and should never be removed without permission!

Alice : [Defensively] I didn't take it off him! [Looks at Austin and Clint] Them! [Looks back at Harvey] What?

Austin : [Hunts around for a light/lighter. To Harvey] How can you be sure that you didn't take your own shirt off, Colonel.

Harvey : Don't be so ridiculous, Private! Why on earth would I remove a shirt made of the finest silk to put on ... [holds the shirt distastefully] this?

[AUSTIN finds a toaster, which he uses to light the cigarette.]

Alice : Mm. Toasted cheese cigarette.

Austin : [Takes a few drags, blows some smoke rings] Hmmm. Nice [Smokes some more and hands the doober to Alice] So, what'll we do today? [Looks around the room] Appart from shopping for new clothes of course.

Chastity : [Still awkwardly trying to rub her left buttock] I can see why the elves don't see eye to eye with the humans. Enforced hedonism isn't exactly a welcome practice. [To Austin] For once I agree with you. [Fingers her type-dye top] This flim-flam boot nick gear is not the fitting thing for a lady of the cloth.

Austin : [To Chastity] It's no lesser garment than that which you usually adorn yourself with.

Chastity : It is much lesser. The Church of Phili's official clothing has rigid specifications of appearance and discomfort, of which these soft, comfortable items meet none.

Alice : How about humiliation? Because there's a big hole in the back of your pants.

[This is, of course, entirely untrue.]

Harvey : [Standing at the window] Gah! Everywhere I look, I see debauchery!

Alice : But Uncle Harvey, you're looking at us!

Harvey : [Walks to the door and tries the handle] Certainly a visit to the towns tailor is in order! And a rather large breakfast! By the saints, I'm as famished as a new born lamb! Mmm, lamb. [The door opens just as HARVEY puts his hand on the handle. Enter POSTIN HOURS, with a big smile on his face.]

Postin : Hey, H-Man! [Points both his index fingers at him] You surfies sure do know how to Par - tae! [Looks passed him to Chastity] Click-click!

Chastity : [Looks at Postin for a couple of moments, and then to Clint] Please tell me that's not the same clicking noise you use.

Austin : [To Chastity] Clint's clicking is definitely lower pitched.

Alice : In tone or meaning?

Postin : [Does a little shuffle to bring himself closer to Chastity] Hey there, O Most Inappropriately Named Beautiful Creature, how're you doin'?

Chastity : [Does a little shuffle to take herself further away from Postin] I am most disoriented and concerned. Are you in some way responsible for my current discomfort?

Postin : Oh, baby! I sure hope I am!

Chastity : Well I have no recollection of what happened. If your suggestions are to be believed, your morals are obviously not above interfering with woman under the influence. [Self consciously fiddles with her tie-dye t-shirt. To Postin] Where are we anyway?

Postin : [Laughs aloud] Ha! You are just so bad sister - how do you think I feel having been interfered with by a woman under the influence? [Does a few pelvic thrusts] You're at home, of course!

Alice : [Whispering to Austin] He seems nice!

Clint : [With a surprised look on his face, to Chastity] Chassers, I never knew!

Chastity : {looking a bit upset. To Clint Neither did I. [To Postin] Home? Your place or mine? [Puts hand to head as she realises what she's said]

Harvey : Neither, Private, did Sister Chastity, I'll wager!

[Enter BASH FLANNAGAN, dressed in normal, every day clothes, holding a notebook, and writing in it.]

Bash : In this critic's view, the party from Queens View have opened in Mermantort with a winner. Their party was so great it made me want to come in my pants. Get there before you find yourself outside the greatest social revolution since those hookers from Delerium arrived. [Looks up from his notebook at the party, beaming] You guys are hot, hot, hot!

Postin : Oh, Sister! Behave!

Bash : [To Clint] You sir, are a star! [To Austin] You sir, are a star! [To Rod] You sir, are a star! [To Harvey] You sir, are a star! [To Chastity and Alice] You ladies [wiggles his eyebrows seductively] are welcome in my house, any time! [Runs his pen through his teeth, with a seductive growl]

Chastity : [To Bash] Why are you descibing us as some sort of performance act? Have you been a witness to what happened to us? [Blanches ] Have many people been witness?

Austin : [To Chastity] I hope so, however, if anyone has missed it I'm sure we could have another party. [Inspects his nails briefly]

Bash : Did any one see it? They were queueing around the block! There was a nervous tension in the air, such was the antici [pause] pation!

Clint : Sounds like my kind of party, especially because I can't remember anything!

Postin : Oh, baby! Maybe this will jog your memory? [Makes a few whipping sounds]

[ALICE blushes, and rubs her backside.]

Bash : I for one am counting the days until your house is ready for the next show. I'm going to be first in the queue!

Austin : [To Bash, casually] You didn't happen to notice where our belongings, clothes etc, got to, did you? whipping

Bash : Clothes? I know not of clothes! I have my minds on altogether seedier things.

Harvey : Er, well, do you remember seeing us - I mean, certain members of the troop, removing clothes.

[BASH goes dreamy for a second.]

Bash : Well, I seem to remember you two [points at Austin and Clint] leaving your huge dog suit in the kitchen.

Harvey : Dog suit? What on earth, or should I say, inner earth is going here? [Scratches at a sideburn] Hmmm, obviously we've been drugged and forced to behave in some bizarre manner! Once again, we've been someone elses sport!

Bash : True! [Applauds Harvey] Absolutely true - but it was [points at Harvey] you who was the ring leader! With a timeless grace, elegance and just a soupcon of aggression. Marvellous!

Harvey : Just what are you blathering on about man? [Dreamy look crosses his face] Mmm, soup! By the saints lads, I'm famished! Where's breakfast?

Rod: [Wearing dog suit] Look, I know this demands explanation. I woke up and my clothes were gone, but a new set had been..Eh..'painted' onto my body. Seeing no other choice have have commandeered this cainine attire. However, I seemed to have blacked out and can't remember anything after entering the bar. Were we attacked by some memory sucking alien leeches? Because if so, I'll go boil the oil for us to drink to get rid of them. Nothing stops memory sucking leeches like hot oil down the gullet. [Nods in self-agreement]

Harvey : Well, good sir knight, I'm sure we'd all remember if we had been attacked my memory sucking leeches! But, I must admit, the last thing I remember is an ugly scene in the bar, when I dropped that bottle!

Rod : [Takes the bandana off his head, puts the head of the dog costume over it instead] Seems somewhat excessive to striken people with mind leeches simply for breaking a bottle, Colonel.

Alice : The last thing I remember is the ugly scene of you dropping the bottle, Harvey! [Finishes the cheeseratte, and puts it into an open beer can]

[Enter MYSTERIOSA, ARCHIBALD and MEECH and MONG, the latter pair being Siamese twins. MYSTERIOSA is dressed on oriental robes, while ARCHIBALD appears to be a fully grown man wearing a baby suit.]

Archibald : [Somewhat pitifully] Archie did a no-no! [Holds his arms up, as though expecting a hug]

Austin : [Looks at Archibald, then at the twins, then at Mysteriosa] Hello. [Looks expectantly at Mysteriosa] Who are you?

Mysteriosa : [Waves her hands in front of her face, in an unconvincing effort to look mysterious] I am the mysterious Mysteriosa! Resident philosopher of the Twenty Two Hour Party People.

[ARCHIBALD gives a loud fart, and squirms with discomfort.]

Archibald : [To Chastity] Are you my Momma?

Chastity : I am most certainly not. Maybe she [gestures to Mysteriosa] is your mummy. [sniffs] Have you just soiled yourself?

Archibald : Oh no, I did that ages ago.

Chastity : [Sniffs again and grimaces] Ah. [Takes a step away from Achibald, but unfortunately next to Clint, Sniffs again and grimaces] Ah! [Moves closer to Harvey. To Mysteriosa] Why only the Twenty Two Hour Party People? What about the other two hours?

Mysteriosa : [Does her "mysterious" hand waving again] We're not savages, you know, we do need to get some sleep.

Bash : [To Chastity] Oh! Suits you Madam! Twenty Four hours? That's the way it used to be, until the unions got involved.

Austin : [To Harvey] I don't think that these people can assist us in our misson.

Rod : [Seems positively crestfallen, and whilst in the dog suit somehow finds it applicable to let out a soft whine] Much as I hate to admit fault at the hands of a sub-species, perhaps the elves were right about these people after all?

Meech : What mission is that? Is it -

Mong : Finding Cheese? Because -

Meech : We do so love cheese -

Mong : And think it's about time we were given some.

Clint : [With a look of guilt on his face] I suppose you're right, Rod. [Lightens up] Then again, a little cheese never hurt anyone!

Alice : [Stepping back to avoid being smacked by one of Mysteriosa's infeasibly large breasts] What do you mean Rod? Do you think these people are freaks or something? You know, they're human too, and if you claim that there is something bad or stupid about them, [points at Rod] then that means there's something bad or stupid about us too. [Gets her finger tangled up in her hair] Bad dog!

Harvey : A little cheese, maybe!

Bash : [Takes Clint by the arm] Ah! The devil may care attitude of a latter day Rat Packer, that breathes fresh air into the stale party scene. Where is this cheese you speak of? And don't forget, a little Louis lubricates! anyone!

Rod : [Points finger, shakes it liberally] But, thats just what they WANT you to think! Everyone knows the sweet, refreshing, relaxing, 'flavour de fromage' is really just a smoke screen for the suble brainwashing of the common man! You think those cheesemakers really care about you or your health!? HUH!? HUH!?!

Harvey : [Lets out a sigh of relief] Well said, that man! [Goes to clap Rod on the back, but thinks better of it, and tickles one of his dog ears instead]

[The party people all look shocked at ROD.]

Bash : I've seen some shock tactics in my time, but the script presented tonight made me want to puke!

Rod : [Tries to resist, but can't help shaking his leg in response] Script? What script? I haven't been drugged and put in one of 'those' movies again have I? Oh geez, last time I had to slay a whole village of pornographers just to keep my person from appearing on the cover of Playmaiden Magazine. Gruesome stuff, really. [Looks around, eyes widening] But, perhaps I've said too much? Eh, where are those mind leeches?

Meech : Mind Leeches? First there's -

Mong : No cheese, and now -

Meech : We're going to be leeched.

Postin : Hold on, folks, let's all calm down. Let's be cool. [To the party in general] Come on, guys, where's the cheese stashed? [Points at Austin and Clint, and winks] I know you guys have some!

Clint : [Looks at Austin, surprised] Really? And you never told me!

Alice : Aw, Austin, what's the big secret? [Looks guiltily at the beer can in which she extinguished the cheeseratte]

Austin : [To Clint] Well, there wsa some on top of the playstation, but we just smoked that. [Muses] Perhaps if we could find our clothes, there will be some there. [Looks around] Has anyone seen our clothes?

Rod : More importantly, has anyone seen my veritable melee arsenal? I mean, it will be quite difficult to induce wanton violence without it, and what purpose is a knight if not the induction of wanton violence?

Austin : [To Rod] Err, I thought it was more about chivalrously rescuing fair maidens who's lives are in mortal danger, from monsters, dragons and the like?

Alice : Not to mention the smugglers and strangers with beards!

Bash : [Getting annoyed] I've already searched your clothes. They're clean. Well, not exactly clean [glances at Clint] but drug free.

[Some of the party people are starting to look a little uncomfortable with all this talk of drug free.]

Rod : [To Austin] Well, I certainly can't save them with diplomacy and good manners can I? No sir, it's all about the violence and massive bloodletting! [To party people] Now then, seeing as we do not possess any of the diary-based opiates you desire, might we collect our things and be on our way?

Austin : [To Rod] Yes, I know, but you are not supposed to say that. You are supposed to be all gleaming armor and dashing, not sweat, blood and guts. [Casually] People know about reality all too well, what they want are dreams and fantasies. [Muses] You see it in the courts all the time, I once helped a lady get a divorce once, on account of her husband, Sir Lambert, falsely claiming to be knight, when he didn't even own a suit of armor, or a horse! [Spots a mirror and checks his hair carefully] I could use a shower. [To Bash] Where were our clothes when you searched them? Perhaps that would be a good place to start looking for some more cheese.

Rod : [To Austin, somewhat sheepishly] But, I don't have a horse..Or my armor..[Begins openly weeping] OH GOD! THEY'VE TAKEN MY KNIGHTHOOD! MY LIFE IS OVER!

Austin : [To Rod] You certainly have a dramatic flavour to your character. [Pauses] However, I wouldn't worry about loosing your knighthood, it was only a court after all. I could just as easily had the lady burned at the stake for treason, had her husband hired me first. [Paces casually to wards Bash. To Rod] You see, the court of law is very like religon, except that the former is more honest, [Pauses] you can argue any point you want and win, if it suits your goal.

Chastity : [Muttering] What blasphemous nonsense. [To Bash] Could you direct us to our clothes please?

Rod : [To Austin, whilst sniffling] Of course I have a flair for the dramatic! Despite losing my accounterments, the soul of a knight still courses through this veins! [To party people, looking somewhat more somber now] Now, back to the issue at hand. I think we've been rather patient with you, but my heart aches for my knightly possessions and my groin itches from this suit, which I assume must have been fashioned with nothing short of REAL dog hair.

Bash : Either that or you had sex with Mysteriosa last night.

Mysteriosa : [Points and winks at Rod] Click-click!

Postin : [Flaps a hand at Rod] Be on your way? But this is your house! You know, I must say, I'm very disappointed to be treated this way.

Rod : [To Bash] Any intercourse I had whilst under the influence of the mind leeches is completely null and void! [To Mysteriosa] 'Click-click'? What's that supposed to mean? I'm not 'firing blanks' am I? Damn that groin punching dwarf! [To Postin] Anyway, there is NO POSSIBLE WAY this is our home, we haven't been here more than a day.

Clint : [To Postin] You see, our 22 hours finished about 10 minutes ago, we do need our 2 hours rest now. So please, off you go, come back in 1 hour and 50 minutes for more fun! [Pause] But please leave some cheese before you go. [Guilty look at Chastity] As a sort of nightcap!

Postin : Oh, baby, who's got a hangover from hell today! [To the party people] Come on, let's blow this joint.

Mysteriosa : [To Rod] It's not the mind leech you need to worry about. [Licks her lips]

[ALICE shivers involuntarily as the party people leave, so there is just BASH left.]

Bash : A promising start, ruined by a poor finish and two dimensional characters.

Harvey : [To Bash] You there, chappie! How long have we been in the town? What's the news on the siege?

Bash : I have no knowledge of how long you were in the town. I am too busy, zipping form party to party. [Turns to go]

Alice : What about the siege?

Bash : Siege? What siege is that? The siege that you and your fellow killjoys have laid upon our way of life?

Harvey : Stuff and nonsense! The Morc siege, of course!

Bash : Morcs? This sprawling, disconnected and simply illogical storyline is as frustrating as it is boring. I am leaving before I fall asleep or kill myself.

[Exit BASH]

Clint : That was weird, even for my standards. What was that all about?

Chastity : I don't think he believed us. Obviously there self-indulgent culture here has just concentrated their vision of the world internally, and the people here have no inkling what is going on outside their walls. This makes it even more imperative we see the leader, Ralph Walton.

Harvey : Indeed, Sister, he may be able to shed some light on this matter.

Alice : [Sniggers to Austin] Chastity just said penetrative.

Harvey : Niece! I can see that being in Mermantort has had a sudden, dramatic and unwelcome effect on you!

[Someone's voice can be heard from the next room, calling out "hello". Enter ANDY SPEC, into this room.]

Andy : Um, hello? [Rubs his temples] Ah, at last I've found you. You've given me such a headache with all this searching for you.

Chastity : Really? That party critic had us under the impression that the whole town, except us, knew where we were. Why were you searching for us?

Andy : [Gravely] There has been a [quickly swaps his glasses so he's now wearing dark shades] complaint about drug abuse in this house.

Chastity : [Cagely] Would that complaint be about the high level drug abuse or the lack of drug abuse.

Andy : Why, the total lack of drug abuse, of course!

Austin : [Winks at Alice] Would that be a lack of penetrative or non-penetrative drug use?

Clint : [Making fake glasses with his hands, to Austin] Why, total lack of penetrative drug use, of course!

Andy : [Slightly disturbed by Clint] Er, both. Or none, depending on how you look at it. I'm afraid we're going to have to search the house. Ransack all your belongings and generally trash the place. [Pause] If that's okay.

Austin : [To Andy] We appear to have disasterously run out of drugs, and we require your assistance in procuring more, and adequate supplies of, for the forseeable future, as the case may be, for our use hereof and herebye, at this momenet and from now on, drugs. [Smirks]

Andy : Well -

[From without comes the sound of someone smashing open a door.]

Andy : Oh dear. The others are here. I'm afraid that unless you've already made provisions, we will have to arrest you all, throw you in jail and beat you up.

Alice : Hey! That's just not right!

Andy : [Switches to a pair of reading glasses] Oh, I see. Sorry about that. [Smiles nervously at the party] We'll beat you, arrest you and then throw you in jail.

Austin : [To Andy] I take it that you have the necessary warrant for our arrest, signed, by the relevant authorities, in octuplet, countersigned by the relevant authorities, authorised by the aforementioned authorities, the mayor, the judge to the highcourt and the council, [Takes a quick breath] And the correct, authorised warrant for entering and search of this premisies, signed, by the relevant authorities, in octuplet, countersigned by the relevant authorities, authorised by the aforementioned authorities, the mayor, the judge to the highcourt and the council, and, further to this, proof that we are indeed the owners of this establishment?

Clint : [To Andy] Yeah!

Alice : [Adopts an aggressive stance beside Clint and Austin] Yeah!

Andy : [Takes off his glasses and mops them] Er, well, not exactly.

Chastity : We contest this. Take us to Ralph Walton immediately! Preferably missing out the beating, arresting and throwing in jail bits!

Austin : [To Andy] So, you are accepting full resposiblity to any damages caused to this property, and any damages, physical, psychological, or otherwise, caused to members of the party, as seen here present, and undertake to compesate us and the owners of this property, them being us or otherwise, fully and without delay or conditions, dependant or indepentant. [Austin notes all of this down on a huge wad of lagal looking papers. To Andy] Sign here please. [Points to a place onthe document] And here and here [Point to two other places]

Andy : [Meekly] Er, okay. [Takes the wad]

[Enter ROCK.]

Andy : They've asked me to sign a form accepting all repsonsibility.

Rock : Show me. [Takes the wad, and glances at it for a second] Who wrote this?

Austin : [To Rock] And what concern is it of yours? I thought you people loved to party?

Rock : It's because I love to party that scum like you offend me so much. [Throws the wad of paper on the ground and urinates on it]

Alice : [Quietly to the others] Hey! Suddenly he doesn't seem quite so much fun any more.

Austin : [To Rock] Well mister, we love to party too, and you are putting one huge downer on us, so why don't you take your bad vibes elsewhere and leave us to find some more drugs and parties in peace? [Looks at the playstation]

Rock : Shut your mouth! [Grabs Austin by the shoulder, and slams him onto the ground, clearly getting ready to handcuff him] > Last from Conor #98 > > Rock : Shut your mouth! [Grabs Austin by the shoulder, and slams him > onto > the ground, clearly getting ready to handcuff him]

Austin : [Screaming at the top of his voice] Help! We're being attacked, help!

Chastity : [To Austin] No,no it's just you. We're all fine. [Looks round at the group members standing around] Leave that playstion alone, Alice. You've had all the cheese from it![Looks back at the struggle, and sighs] Oh, well. [To Rock] You there, stop that. He was only presenting you with the honesty of the law! Unhand him this instant.

Alice : Help! Help! Police! [Thinks for a moment] Hey! You are the police!

Rock : [Leans on Austin so he can't escape] We are here to help. [Calls out] Scissors! Get the hell in here. [Calmly] Mr. Paper, could you come in too, please?

Rod : [Begins growling loudly inside the dog suit and begins to approach Rock] Take your hands off my legal representation right now, or you're going to have a rabid dog on your hands, perhaps on your back, if I can manage the climb.

Rock : [Snaps a pair of handcuffs on Austin, before turning to Rod] You're all under arrest.

[Enter SCISSORS and PAPER.]

Chastity : [Picks up a lava lamp, brandishing the bottle part like a club. To the guards] Don't come near me. I'm a lady!

Rod : Fear not all, I shall take care of these drug frenzied heathens with all the fury a Doberman / Schnauzer mix can muster! [Puts up his furry dukes]

Alice : [In surprise, to Rod] Hey! We're the drug frenzied heathens! [Looks back to Rock] Oh, I see.

Rock : [Draws his sword] Down, boy.

Scissors : [Draws his sword, before turning to Paper] Hurry up! Draw your sword!

Paper : [Pulling out his weapon] Yes, sir, Mr. Scissors, sir.

Rod : [Stops] Hm, that certainly alters the situation. Um, I'm supposing you wouldn't let me have a sword too, make this fair? No? Alright then..[Sighs, and then slowly drops to the floor and lies on his back, exposing his belly]

Alice : [Peers over at Rod] You know, that's probably the most revealing dog suit I've ever seen.

Paper : [To Rock] I'm sick of listening to her, put her in cuffs.

[ROCK obliges.]

Alice : [Tries to speak] Mm-mmpf!

Harvey : [Angrily] I say, take those shackles off my niece this instant! What a liberty you are taking, sir! Be about your own business and we will be about ours! [Points to Rod and lowers his voice] Got to bring this poor fellow to the V...to the V. E. T.

Austin : [Shouts] This is an outrage! We are innocent party lovers just trying to have some fun! And you kill joys come in here and spoil all of the fun. Don't you have procedures? Where are your warrants? Where are your drugs?

Clint : And where are our weapons?

Rod : Yes, where are they!? Are they safe?!

Austin : [Screaming at the top of his voice] Help! We're being attacked, help! > Last from Conor #98 > > Rock : Shut your mouth! [Grabs Austin by the shoulder, and slams him > onto > the ground, clearly getting ready to handcuff him]

Austin : [Screaming at the top of his voice] Help! We're being attacked, help!

Chastity : [To Austin] No,no it's just you. We're all fine. [Looks round at the group members standing around] Leave that playstion alone, Alice. You've had all the cheese from it![Looks back at the struggle, and sighs] Oh, well. [To Rock] You there, stop that. He was only presenting you with the honesty of the law! Unhand him this instant.

Alice : Help! Help! Police! [Thinks for a moment] Hey! You are the police!

Rock : [Leans on Austin so he can't escape] We are here to help. [Calls out] Scissors! Get the hell in here. [Calmly] Mr. Paper, could you come in too, please?

Rod : [Begins growling loudly inside the dog suit and begins to approach Rock] Take your hands off my legal representation right now, or you're going to have a rabid dog on your hands, perhaps on your back, if I can manage the climb.

Rock : [Snaps a pair of handcuffs on Austin, before turning to Rod] You're all under arrest.

[Enter SCISSORS and PAPER.]

Chastity : [Picks up a lava lamp, brandishing the bottle part like a club. To the guards] Don't come near me. I'm a lady!

Rod : Fear not all, I shall take care of these drug frenzied heathens with all the fury a Doberman / Schnauzer mix can muster! [Puts up his furry dukes]

Alice : [In surprise, to Rod] Hey! We're the drug frenzied heathens! [Looks back to Rock] Oh, I see.

Rock : [Draws his sword] Down, boy.

Scissors : [Draws his sword, before turning to Paper] Hurry up! Draw your sword!

Paper : [Pulling out his weapon] Yes, sir, Mr. Scissors, sir.

Rod : [Stops] Hm, that certainly alters the situation. Um, I'm supposing you wouldn't let me have a sword too, make this fair? No? Alright then..[Sighs, and then slowly drops to the floor and lies on his back, exposing his belly]

Alice : [Peers over at Rod] You know, that's probably the most revealing dog suit I've ever seen.

Paper : [To Rock] I'm sick of listening to her, put her in cuffs.

[ROCK obliges.]

Alice : [Tries to speak] Mm-mmpf!

Harvey : [Angrily] I say, take those shackles off my niece this instant! What a liberty you are taking, sir! Be about your own business and we will be about ours! [Points to Rod and lowers his voice] Got to bring this poor fellow to the V...to the V. E. T.

Austin : [Shouts] This is an outrage! We are innocent party lovers just trying to have some fun! And you kill joys come in here and spoil all of the fun. Don't you have procedures? Where are your warrants? Where are your drugs?

Clint : And where are our weapons?

Rod : Yes, where are they!? Are they safe?!

Alice : [To Austin] Hey! How come you can speak? You've got handcuffs on too!

Rock : [Leans in close to Austin] What the hell kind of fun can you have without drugs? I suppose you've got a [sarcastically] natural high! We don't need no stinking procedures, and we don't need no stinking warrants, we just need an over inflated sense of self esteem.

Alice : I suppose you get that from drugs?

Rock : Nope, from these babies. [Lifts his jacket to show Alice that he has what appears to be a gun]

Paper : Take it easy, Rock. [To Clint] I have no idea where your weapons are, but, knowing your type they are probably put carefully away upstairs, rather than sold off cheaply for drugs, like any normal person would do.

Chastity : [Putting down the lava lamp bottle] Well, normal here anyway. Where are you going to take us?

Austin : [To Rock] Why don't you just give us some drugs and save yourself the paper work and trouble of draggin us off to the cells. We can have a party right here. In fact, I'll swap you this house for a big stack of drugs. How does that sound to you? [Wrigges on the floor a bit, to check Maplin's welfare]

Rock : [Snorts with derision at Chastity] Andy just told you, we're going to arrest you, beat you and then throw you in jail.

Paper : Don't be stupid, he said we're going to throw them in jail, then arrest them and then beat them.

Scissors : Aw, for crying out loud! He said we're going to beat them, then arrest them and then beat them.

[The three continue to bicker.]

Andy : [To Austin] I'm afraid it's too late now. Trying to arrange to purchase drugs after being arrested just isn't good enough.

Clint : Can we have them for free then? This message is in MIME format. The first part should be readable text, while the remaining parts are likely unreadable without MIME-aware tools. Send mail to mime@docserver.cac.washington.edu for more info.

Rod : [To Rock] If I might be so kind, surely you can't expect to adaquately beat us up with one of your hands restrained holding your sword. Why not let me hold onto it for you, just for the time being? Come on, you can trust me, I'm man's best friend!

Austin : [To Andy] But I have tried to purchase drugs from you and you haven't officially arrested me yet.

Rock : [To Rod] How about I stick it in your stomach for safe keeping?

Andy : [Exasperated] If you would all just shut up for two minutes, I would arrest you! Give me a chance.

[OZZY tightens his grip on CLINT.]

Clint : [To Ozzy] Hey man, take it easy! I would love to party again like last night, but these guys want to arrest us! Can't you do anything about it?

Ozzy : [Lets go of Clint, and steps back] No! What? Why? Why? [Shakes his fist at the sky] Why!

Clint : Yes! They want to arrest us. I don't know. I don't know. [Shakes his fist at the sky] I don't know!

Ozzy : Aw, reek. [To Chastity] What about you, Sunflower? Do you know why? [Sits down, cross-legged beside Austin] You know, guy, that doesn't look like a really comfortable position. [Scratches Rod's stomach] stomach

Rod : [Leg invariably begins shaking again] GAH! I'm losing my humanity in this place! Someone PLEASE give me a weapon lusting for sweet bloodshed! Or, at the very least, a milkbone?

Chastity : [To Harvey] Looking around, Colonel, I hate to say that I think Siegfried was correct all along. [To Ozzy] Did you know there is a horde of Morcs outside the city walls, hell bent on desroying everything inside. [pauses] including all the drugs.

Andy : [Irritated, to Ozzy] Look, who are you? What are you doing here? Can you give me even one reason why we should arrest you?

Ozzy : [Holds a hand up to Ozzy] Hey man, you're harshing my buzz - I'm their dealer.

Ozzy : [Turns from Andy to face Chastity] No, I did not know that.

Harvey : Gah! What use have we for a card player at a time like this? [To Alice] What do I say about gamblers, Niece?

Alice : [Wearily] That they're the scum of the earth, gambling not only with their money, but with their eternal souls, too.

Austin : [To Ozzy] Did you manage to get all the drugs we ordered? [Nods towards Andy] These guys here play some really mean party games, I'm not sure I like them [Looks at Harvey] Who invited them anyway? [To Andy] And why did you come to our party without drugs? How rude! [To Rock] Would you get off me now, please. [Wriggles a bit trying to get Maplin away from Rock]

Harvey : Confounded if I know, Private!

Andy : But, but we do have stuff with us! [Waves his cake of Gouda at Austin]

[ROCK steps back from AUSTIN, but leaves the handcuffs on him.]

Rock : [To Ozzy] What did they order?

Ozzy : [With a smile, takes out a handful of small black pills, each about the size of a marble, from his pocket] Revs!

[The cops all give a gasp of awe.]

Chastity : [Gesturing towards the drugs] What else would a lady of the cloth take in her mouth than a rev?

[For a few seconds, no one says anything.]

Andy : [Clears his throat] A-ahem! I suppose, under the circumstances, that we could forego the arrest and beating up. Especially if you're going to be taking some revs, isn't that right, lads?

[The other three all nod and agree noisily.]

Ozzy : [To the party] And that, my friends, is why everyone in Mermantort hates cops. Did I say hate? I meant, love! [Makes as though to throw a rev into Chastity's mouth, clearly waiting for her to open up]

[CHASTITY opens her mouth, but, to her obvious surprise, OZZY places it in, rather than throwing it in.]

Alice : Wow! He almost got his whole hand in there!

Chastity : [Choking in surprise for a moment] Cough, cough. [pauses] Fizzy! [Tries to smile to the guards, but dosen't quite manage to lose the look of worry] See?

Alice : Hey look! Her teeth are gone all black!

[This is true, it looks like there is ink of some description on her lips.]

Andy : Well, that's one less to arrest. Who's next?

Clint : [To Andy and the rest of the cops] Well we've clearly proven that we're not guilty, so please leave now and let our private party continue. [To Ozzy] Can you believe these people? Ruining our party like this! [To the cops] Leave! Leave! Shush!

Chastity : [Still clearly in shock at taking the pill. To Alice] Really, must clean it up. [Quickly scans round for a mirror] I know, a disk. [Opens the playstation, taking out a disk marked "paroopa the rapoor" and turns it over to view herself] By Phili, not just my teeth, my whole face! [Tries to rub her face with her left hand, which isn't there] Blast!

Ozzy : [To Clint] Yeah, what a downer. [Draws out a circle in the air, then pretends to do two dots for the eyes, before drawing a big frown for the mouth]

Andy : Look, it's really quite simple. If you take the revs, then I'll accept that you had ordered them before we came in. If you don't take them, I'll have to believe that those of you who didn't are drug free and will have to arrest you. If you want to take them later on, I'll still have to bring you down to the station and hold you until such time as you're no longer sober, and if you want to pretend you're going to take them, I'll bring you down to the station and beat you up once we realise you're lying to us. Unless, of course, you just wait a little longer than we anticipate so that - [shouts] Hey! That's not simple at all! In fact, it's needlessly complicated! [Puts on his thinking glasses] Anyone of you who doesn't take one in the next two minutes will be arrested.

Alice : What about Chastity? Does she have to take a second one?

Andy : Gibber!

Rod : [Sighs and sits on his knees, balancing himself up with his hands. Somehow, the tail attached to the back of the suit begins to wag] Well, if it'll keep me out of prison. [Opens mouth, closes one eye, but leaves the other open a sliver just in case]

Austin : [To Andy] As you can probably appreciate it is unplesant to take a rev whilst handcuffed, as some of the fun has already been had, so could you uncuff me please and hand me a rev, [Disturbingly calmly] We have a party starting.

Andy : You know, I'm glad you're all being so cool about this. [Pops one into Rod's mouth, while Rock frees Austin.] Here you go. [Hands over the pill] You know, some people prefer to leave the cuffs on.

[ALICE says nothing, but whistles nonchalantly.]

Alice : I'll go for one too. Although, I'm usually quite fussy about putting foreign objects into my mouth, I'm sure if Chastity's doing it, there won't be any problem.. [Opens up, and Andy pops a pill in]

Clint : [To Andy, while picking up a pill from Ozzy's hands] What about you, don't you take a pill? How can we know that you're not sober?

Harvey : [Shakes his head] Absolutely not, sir! [Sniffs] I had some, erm, GHL's earlier, and never mix my highs, er, [does a rap hand wave thing] daddio!

Andy : [To Clint] Apart from the fact that I'm wearing eight pairs of glasses? Well, how about I'm sweating like an Irishman, as mean as a Scotsman, as calm as a Portuguese and as aggressive as a [points angrily at Clint] God-Damned American?

Rock : [To Harvey] In that case, you've got an appointment with the hairdresser.

[All the cops roar with sinister laughter.]

Andy : [The first to stop laughing] Wait a second, that doesn't make any sense at all!

[The cops all look embarassed]

Andy : [Whining to the party in general] Shut up!

Chastity : [To Harvey] I think in this case, Colonel, that it would be better if you took a pill. We wouldn't want to split up the party at this time, especially with you on solitary incarceration

Austin : [To Harvey, whilst slouching on several bean bags] C'mon colonel, you have'nt even tried one of these before, how do you know you don't like it? [Austin pops his pill] They were, after all, sanctioned by the church [Points generally towards Chastity]

Chastity : I don't think the church has [emphasises] quite given them their official seal of approval [glances briefly towards Andy] yet.

Austin : [To Chastity] Indeed sister Chassers, veritable words of wisdom [does anoying finger quotes] "Never bless a rev until it's over". [Looks around] We need some music.

Rod : [To Chastity] So, what you're saying is that it is just a matter of time before the church sanctions them? That's good enough for me. [Takes one from Andy and swallows it]

Clint : Okay, I'll go for it. [Takes one, and throws it high into the air, before it falls into this mouth.

Andy : To Harvey] What's it to be?

Harvey : [Outraged] What in the blazes is going on here, Troop? I am shocked at your behaviour! Shocked, I say!

[Exit ANDY, ROCK, SCISSORS and PAPER, with HARVEY.]

Ozzy : Wow, guys! You're in for a great treat. I guess I'll be seeing you.

Alice : [Looks around] Hey! Has Harvey just been arrested? Didn't they leave very quickly? Am I still wearing handcuffs?

Clint : Hey!, you're right! [Makes to the door and opens it] Quickly, we can't let them separate us, not in this crazy place!

Ozzy : [Catches Clint by the shoulder] Hey guy, you're never going to find him, they've been gone for over an hour.

Austin : [Puts on Ace of Bass on the stereo] This is all we have [pumps up the volume. To Ozzy] Got any cheese?

Ozzy : Sure I do, but not a whole lot. It's not like I'm a drug dealer, you know.

Alice : Um, could someone help me with these handcuffs?

Chastity : [To Ozzy] Well what are you then?

Clint : And what's this about them being gone an hour ago? I just saw them leaving! [Looks outside the door for any signs of the Harvey and the cops]

Ozzy : [Smiles] Welcome to the world of revs.

[Everyone gathers around the door to look out, and this is true.]

Ozzy : [To Chastity] Easy on the language, Sister, there are ladies present. [Gestures to the now struggling Alice] I was sent by a friend to make sure the cops didn't give you a hard time.

Austin : [To Ozzy] So we are thinking so slowly that everyone else seems to be 'reved up'.

Ozzy : That's just one thing that's going to happen to you. Now, I'm about to head off, but I've one last piece of advice.

Alice : [Plaintively] Don't be handcuffed on a rev?

Ozzy : [Laughs good naturedly, and tousles Alice's hair] Very good. [Seriously] No, what I meant is to keep away from the castle. It's a real bad trip.

Chastity : Is that where Ralph Walton lives?

Ozzy : Oh no! Ralph is the one who sent me here.

Clint : Can we talk to him then? Harvey has just gone to prison, probably a day ago at this stage, and we need to rescue him!

Alice : Yes, they've probably got him in handcuffs and everything!

Ozzy : I'm not sure Ralph can do anything about it - but you can talk to him after the revs have worn off. Your best bet is to stay in the house with hot towels over your heads for the next eight hours.

Clint : How can we know if eight hours have passed? What is eight hours in rev time?

Ozzy : Oh, you'll know. Things will have gone back to normal then, so no arms sticking out of the ceiling, or blood pouring down the walls. Just make sure you get plenty of water, and lots of bananas for the potassium. And nuts.

Alice : I can't peel a banana with my hands tied behind my back!

Ozzy : I guess you're screwed then, aren't you?

[Exit OZZY.]

Austin : If we could trick the Morcs into taking revs, we could easily beat them. [Muses cuningly] We could slip them into their nascency fluid, possibly. [Ponders as he watches people rushing up and down the street.

Alice : [Sulkily slamming the door shut, by kicking it] Maybe it'll make them really mean and stop helping their friends. [Storms off into the kitchen]

[Book III, Act VIII, Scene IV. The Sitting Room. CLINT, AUSTIN, CHASTITY and ROD are here, sprawled around on some beanbags, watching the screensaver on a computer in the corner. Everyone feels slightly different, almost as though they are watching themselves, but don't have any untoward effects. Enter ALICE, finally freed from the handcuffs.]

Alice : You won't believe it! In the kitchen! There's a [emphasises] fish [more emphasis] using the peroculator!

Clint : That's nothing comparing to the tridimensional shape that just jumped out of the screensaver, wraped around my head, and got back to the screen!

Alice : Shut up, Clint! This is important. Look! [Holds the door open]

[There is a six feet tall fish making coffee. This is REGINALD TROUT.]

Reginald : Well, hello everyone. Who's for coffee?

Rod : [The sound of the word 'coffee' somehow snaps him out of his 1000 yard stare and slowly shifts his gaze toward the stereo]..She saw the sign..[Climbs to his feet, walks in a disjointed zombie-esque fashion over to the stereo, a wild look in his eyes]..Opened up her eyes..GAAAAHHHHH! [Proceeds to smash it to pieces in an insane rage. Once that's done, he turns to the fish] Coffee sounds wonderful, I'll take caff with two cubes sugar.

Reginald : [Waves a scolding fin at Rod] Coffee? I think you've already had enough. In fact, fart too much.

Alice : Fart too much?

Reginald : [Lets out a rip roaring fart] Yes, I suppose I do.

Chastity : [Wafts her hand in front of her nose] I don't think there is anything more suspect than someone doing fishy farts! [To Reginald] I'll have a nice cup of tea, please, if you're making. And some cake if there is any. [Giggles. To Alice] Do you think they'd be fish cakes? [Giggles again, finishing with a snort]

Alice : Um.. [Screws up her face as she thinks really hard]

Chastity : [To Alice] Oh well. Suit yourself then. [Turns round in a sulk and becomes mesmerised by a one particular bubble in a nearby lava lamp]

Austin : [Lying on a bean bag, gazing at Maplin, jumps suddenly and looks around] Goldfish? [Sees Reginald] Oh, 'gold'fish. [Goes back to staring at Maplin, sighing in a relieved manner]

Alice : [Finished thinking, turns to Chastity] No.

Reginald : [Pours out coffee and tea for people, before asking Alice] Taken some revs, eh?

Alice : Yes.

Reginald : How's that working out for you?

Alice : [Looks around at the others] Well, the others all seem real quiet.

Reginald : That's not so bad. No other ill effects, then?

Alice : I do have these marks on my wrists. [Holds them out to show Reginald]

Reginald : [Sympathetically] Ah, handcuff burns.

Clint : [To Reginald] Have you taken revs before? [Pause] Are you a fish?

Reginald : Naw, I've never taken them before. Then again, I am an hallucination.

Alice : Phew! I guess that means that the big rabbit looking in the window is an hallucination too?

Reginald : No, he's real.

[A six foot tall, angry looking rabbit hammers on the kitchen window.]

Rabbit : Hey! Why isn't the door locked?

Clint : [To Rabbit] Have you taken revs before? I want to know if the effect has passed or if I'm dreaming... [Pinches Rabbit] Are you real?

Austin : [To Clint] Why are you talking to that angry rabbit? [Looks at Reginald whilst sipping his tea] Thank you Reg. May I call you Reg? [Ponders a momnet. Looks at the Rabbit] Why should we lock the door? AN why are you angry, Mr. Soggy-vibes?

Reginald : You can call me flibertigiberty, if you want.

[CLINT reaches out and breaks the window with his hand, before pinching the RABBIT.]

Rabbit : Ow! [Looks angrily at Austin] Because I've just been pinched, and some fool has spilled blood all over my fur. Do you have any idea how hard that will be to get off?

Alice : So it's not like shit, then?

Rabbit : [With a cold stare at Alice] No. And I hate bears.

Chastity : [Wrenging her eyes from the lava lamp. To Rabbit] Whos blood did you get on you? And why should the door be locked? And where can I get my hands on some chocolate?

Austin : [To Chastity] It's Clints blood, and the door should be locked to keep us in [Gets up and locks the front door if he can] I expect Reg could get you some chocolate, because he is ever so nice. [Winks at Reg and does the finger gun at him] Click-click. [Looks at the broken window and ponders] Perhaps Reg could bandage Clint too, I wonder how the Colonel is getting on? [Ponders the people in the street rushing past]

Rabbit : [To Chastity] It's Climp's blood, and the door should be locked to keep you in. I expect Reginald could get you some chocolate, because he's so nice he makes me want to puke. [Throws up through the window, just as Austin turns the key in the lock of the front door, with an audible click click]

Alice : [Peering closely at the vomit] Hey! There are no diced carrots here!

Reginald : [To Chastity, a little embarrassed at Austin's flattery] I'm afraid I don't have any chocolate, but how about a nice hot dog or ice cream instead?

Austin : [Looks at the Rabbit] Why are you dressed up in a rabbit costume?

Rabbit : Because the mask and costume cover my real self. I would be terrified, and a little ashamed, if people saw what I really was.

Chastity : [Gestures towards Reginald] Obviously because the fish costume was being used. [To Reginald] That would be nice. Both please. And make sure the ice cream is on top.

Austin : [To Chastity, pointing to Reginald] But that's not a costume!

Chastity : [Look round at Reginald] Huh?

Reginald : This isn't a costume, I'm an honest to goodness real fish! Now, let's see, you want ice cream on top of a hot dog, hm. Check the room there. [Points at a door leading out of the kitchen]

Clint : That makes sense, the ice cream will cool down the hot dog. [Pause] Huh?

Alice : [To Rabbit] So, underneath that six foot bunny suit, what are you?

Rabbit : A six foot bunny.

Alice : Hm. [Opens the door and looks in, before closing it again, quickly, giving a shiver] I think I just saw a giant ice cream making love to a hot dog. [Opens the door to take another quick look] Oh, my mistake, it was a hotdog. [Turns to the others] And I think he's melted a little over the hotdog.

Austin : [To Alice] Well if they had wanted an audience they would have left the door open, honeybee.

Clint : That makes sense, the ice cream will cool down the hot dog. [Pause] Huh?

Alice : [To Rabbit] So, underneath that six foot bunny suit, what are you?

Rabbit : A six foot bunny.

Alice : Hm. [Opens the door and looks in, before closing it again, quickly, giving a shiver] I think I just saw a giant ice cream making love to a hot dog. [Opens the door to take another quick look] Oh, my mistake, it was a hotdog. [Turns to the others] And I think he's melted a little over the hotdog.

Austin : [To Alice] Well if they had wanted an audience they would have left the door open, honeybee.

Alice : Possibly. Of course, if they didn't want an audience, they probably wouldn't be doing it in front of that huge window.

[ALICE opens the door again, to reveal a large ICE CREAM CONE and large HOTDOG having sex in the middle of the room, right beside a large plate glass window. There is, of course, no one watching. The CONE, who's on top, turns to ALICE.]

Gelato : [Clearly a female cone] Mama mia! Why are you standing there looking stupido when your uncle he is in jail!

Perro : [The hot dog] Si, senorita, time she waits for no one.*

Alice : [Turns to the others, still holding the door open] Everyone else just saw that, right?

Chastity : I think you hallucinated the entire scene you've just described, my dear girl. The ice cream did have a point though, we should think about how to break out the Colonel from jail. [pauses] Hey!

Gelato : [Enters the room] I am Signora della Gelao. [Bows slightly]

Perro : [Following her in, but pausing to wipe what everyone hopes is some ice cream off himself, before turning to Alice] How's you doin'?

Alice : I'm totally freaked out.

Perro : Excellent, fancy a bit of comfort eating? Click-click! Last from Sam #30

Austin : [To Perro] Excuse me one moment, my friend appears to be upset. [To Alice] What is freking you out, honeybee? [Looks Caringly at Alice] Dr. Dominic Job, Psychiatry, UoE, Kennedy Tower, REH, Morningside Park, Edinburgh EH10 5HF

Tel: 0131 537 6763 FAX: 0131 537 6531

Alice : You mean, apart from the fact that we're having a conversation with an ice cream, a hotdog, a fish and a rabbit? How about Harvey being missing? The fact that we don't know where he is? The fact that I woke up in bed this morning with yourself and Stinky? The fact that you've called me honeybee twice in the last few minutes?

Clint : [To the ice-cream] Are you for real? You seem real. What flavour are you?

Gelato : Chocolate.

[Enter ANGRY RABBIT, from the kitchen.]

Rabbit : [To Gelato] I hate you. [To the party] If there's one thing that makes me mad, it's people leaving one of their friends get carried off to jail, and not even caring enough to formulate a plan to save them.

Clint : [To Gelato] Did you do that? [Pause, look of guilt] We did that too.

Gelato : I was too busy making love to do anything else.

Perro : [Rubs himself gently against Chastity] Hey, Sister, you are 'ongry, no?

Chastity : [Pushing Perro away] I am, but after your kitchen antics I've gone off the idea of hot dogs and ice cream now! [Dramatically] Oh wafer, wafer everywhere, and not a bite to eat!

Austin : [To Alice] Harvey was taken away by the Police, as he chose not to stay here. So all we have to do is go down to the Police station and ask if we can have him back. [Sighs. To Reginald] Could you tell us the way to the police station please? [Quietly] Someone is a bit upset!

Rabbit : That's not true! [Thumps his paw against the wall] The chances are he's already dead. If we don't try to break him out now, you may never see him again.

[Time passes.]

Alice : Hm?

Rabbit : Oh for God's sake! [Thumps his paw again] I said that if we don't try to break him out now, you may never see him again. Ten minutes ago.

Clint : [To Rabbit] How do you know Harvey has been arrested, anyway? [Momentarily looks at the screen saver] Wow, there it goes again!

Rabbit : [Stomps over and pulls the plug out of the back of the computer] I know because you know. I know everything you know.

Alice : [Whispers to Clint] I bet he doesn't. I bet he's making the whole time up. I bet we're better off spending time watching those ants over there carrying leaves back to their hill.

Rabbit : I know who was really responsible for Aunty Madge's brain medicine disappearing.

Alice : [Seriously] Let's hear what he's got to say.

Clint : [Putting on a mocking serious face] Oh, sure Mr. Rabbit, since you've spoiled all the fun [points at the computer], let's hear what you have to say!

Rabbit : The chances are that Harvey's already dead. If we don't try to break him out now, you may never see him again.

Clint : Didn't you just say that, [starts counting fingers] [pause] [another pause] err, ten minutes ago?

Rabbit : I said it twenty minutes ago. I repeated it yet again in the hope that it might stir you losers into doing something.

Gelato : Does anyone mind if I open a window? [Fans herself] I'm melting in here. Austin : [To Rabbit] Don't be ridiculous, why would anyone try to kill a man who is in prison? [Shrugs] There would be police everywhere to arrest them.

Reginald : Ah, sweet, naive Austin. It is the police who are the most likely to kill him. It may sound strange, but in Mermantort some policemen are sadomasochistic bullies.

Alice : Sounds like every cop I've ever met.

Austin : [To Reginal] But that is stupid. If they want him to take drugs, why don't they force feed him some?

Reginald : They don't want him to take drugs, they want to kill him.

Gelato : [Rubs Austin's arm] You see, they already asked him to take the drug, and he refused. Why, it would just be rude to force him to take it now. They are very polite.

Alice : That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard in my life!

Gelato : Ah, ah! I said they were polite, not clever.

Clint : Then we must go there and save Harvey at once! [Looks at Austin's arm] I think lady Gelato left some ice-cream on your arm.

Austin : [To Reginald] You know, of course, that even if we leave here now, at the speed we are currently operating at we will probably not even get ther in time for the Colonels funeral. But we should try anyway. [Stands up. To the others] Has anyone seen my clothes? [Looks concernenedly around the room]

Perro : [Catches Austin's arm and licks it clean, before turning to Clint, with a strangely satisfied look] That it is no ice-cream!

Reginald : I think your clothes are in the pile over there. [Points a fin at what is clearly a mix of Austin's, Alice's and Clint's clothes] Of course, we need a plan.

Rabbit : A plan so fiendishly complex and clever that historians will write about it for years.

Alice : [Holding up an enormous pair of filthy underpants that she's found in the pile] How about we kick the door in, kill all the cops and set Harvey free.

Rabbit : [Disappointed] I was rather hoping for something a little more complex than that.

Austin : [Sorts his clothes out from the pile, gives Alice hers and leaves Clints in a heap. Austin gets dressed and carefully straightens out sleeves, hair, cuffs, socks, trousers, eyelashes etc] Hmm. We could let the morcs in through the front gate, thereby creating a diversion that would allow us to get the Colonel out. Or we could all attack the police with a huge battering ram.

Perro : Hey! I like the first plan! [Looks as downcast as a hotdog can] Of course, I don't know what Morcs are, and we don't have a front gate.

Rabbit : [Roars at Perro] Shut up! [To Austin] I like the second plan, but I suspect we need something a little more subtle. Something that'll surprise them.

Alice : How about a surprise birthday party?

Rabbit : In all probability, it won't be their birthday.

Alice : Well think of how surprised they'll be, so!

Austin : [Nods at Alices idea] Yeah, and them we can say that they can't come, unless they give us the prison, and leave all of the prisoners in the prison. Then we could simply go and get the Colonel out.

Alice : I like it! [Tries to drop the underpants, but it sticks to her hand] Of course, what if they refuse? [Steps on one end of the underpants, and pulls it off that way]

Austin : [Grimaces at Alices undergarment predicament] Okay, so we need to organise a party. [Muses. To Reginald and Rabbit] Would you like to come [Gets out his pen and paper and starts writing an invitation list] You can bring your friends of course.

Reginald : Well, the cops are all in the castle, and there's no way anyone is going to go in there.

Austin : [Ponders. To Reginald] But all the Police will be here, at their birthday party [Looks blankly at Reginal. Notes a few more names down on the guest list] We can refuse to give them jelly and ice cream untill they give us the castle. [To Rabbit and Reginald] Could you tell me the names of all the policemen and their friends please. [Has his pen ready to write the names on the guest list]

Rabbit : I don't know what their names are! Why don't we just bake them a huge birthday cake, stuff it full of explosives, and let them take it into the castle?

Austin : [Finishes making some notes. To Reginald] Well, if we are going to take the direct approach, I could use my sling. The castle would surrender in no time at all [Gives Reginald a 'lets be practical about this' look]

Clint : [Putting his trousers first and then his underwears] That's not practical [Proceeds to take them off again, and putting them on in the right order, but ends up putting his trousers back to front] I prefer the first plan. A bomb cake, that sounds so cool.

Rod : [Casually paces before the group, still in the dog suit] Tsk, tsk. Planning a rescue operation with hallucinations without consulting with a TRUE expert in these matters? The solution is simple. We go to the police station and tell them that we desperately need to see Harvey because he ALONE knows where we stashed an ENORMOUS amount of narcotics. We then tempt the moronic policemen by offering a piece of this imaginary cache of drugs in exchange for releasing him long enough to find where he put it. Of course, as soon as we get to him we draw our swords and fight our way out in a grizzly baptism of blood and fire..[Nods to himself] Yes, completely by the books..

Chastity : [To Will] And our lack of swords doesn't put you off this plan? I like the birthday party plan. We could make it a street party to coax the officers of the law out of the castle. [Looks around. To Reginald] Where are my clothes then?

Austin : [Looks at Chastity in amazement] You want those old nun clothes back? Did you have a secret supply of cheese in the pocket or something? [To Reginald] Do you know where we can get an exploding cake?

Reginald : [To Chastity] I think Gelato was trying them on.

Gelato : Yes, but they were too unchic for me. They, and the rest of your items are in that cupboard. [Nods towards a large cupboard]

Reginald : Not sure where you can get an exploding cake, but I'm pretty sure that we could bake a huge one, that you could fit pretty much anything into. As long as it isn't a fish cake, that is! [Roars with laughter, and claps his fins together]

Chastity : [Makes her way to the cupboard] Why wasn't that funny when I told it? [Opens the cupboard]

Reginald : [As an enormous amount of stuff falls out of the cupboard on top of Chastity] I guess it's the way I tell 'em! [Grabs a bottle of whiskey and drinks the whole lot of it] Anyway, what's the best thing we could put into the cake to ensure Harvey's escape?

Austin : [Ponders] A sleeping pill, all ground up?

Perro : [Thunders] A sleeping pill? A sleeping pill? [Normal voice] I love it! [Tries to hug Austin, but, having no arms, fails]

Gelato : Fabulous idea.

Reginald : [Does a little clap] Perfect.

Rabbit : It's crap. It's two dimensional thinking at its flattest. You all display such a lack of imagination that it doesn't surprise me you're not all sitting in front of the playstation. [Raises his voice to call out to Alice, who's sitting in front of the playstation] I said, it it doesn't surprise me you're not all sitting in front of the playstation.

Alice : [Laughing to herself, and pressing the power button] Playstation goes on, playstation goes off. Playstation goes on, playstation goes off. Playstation goes on, playstation goes - huh? [Turns and looks at the others]

Clint : [To Alice] What's the matter, it didn't go off?

Austin : [To Rabbit] We are not all sitting infront of a Playstation. [Fold his arms. With a double orders of deadpan sarcasm] So Mr. Prodigal Genius Rabbit, what is your great plan?

Chastity : [Emerges from under the huge pile of stuff previously in the cupboard, miraculously wearing her nun's habit. She has a pair of pants, similar the ones Alice hand stuck to her face] U eepin ills ound ood! [Starts clawing at the pants, with a louder muffle] ELP EE!

Alice : [To Clint] Well - [breaks off and looks at Chastity, annoyed] sorry, I've lost my train of thought, with all the screaming and getting crushed by falling underpants.

Rabbit : [To Austin] I think you mean prodigious genius. [With triple helpings of sarcasm] Surely even you can think of something better to put in the cake than sleeping tablets?

Chastity : [After a brief struggle, manages to free herself of the pants with a sickening ripping noise, leaving her a bit red faced and the pants with a bit of moustache. To the party in general] Thank you very much for your swift aid! [To Rabbit] Most often the best plans are the simplest.

Austin : [To Rabbit] How about a handfull of Grannies beta-blockers and some blood thinners, stuffed into a roast Rabbit, carried by Alice on a silver tray, in a skimpy nun's outfit, sitting ontop of a giant cake filled with laughing gas? [Austin taps his foot, arms folded, staring at Rabbit]

Alice : Well, I would have helped you only for my hands being handcuffed behind my back. Oh wait, they're not any more. No thanks to you! [Turns away huffily]

Rabbit : Being simple doesn't necessarily make something good. [Gestures to Alice's back]

Rabbit : [Unimpressed] How about we put all of you into the cake?

Alice : Hey! That's a great idea! When all the cops are about to gorge themselves on birthday doughnuts, we can leap out with weapons drawn and kill them all!

Chastity : [Enthusiasticallyu] Yes, yes. A huge cake that we can hide in. It could be pushed up to the gates and when inside we'd have the element of surprise. [To Rabbit] Great idea. Are you trojan?

Austin : [To Alice] Okay, whatever! I can knock down the castle walls with my sling and we can grab the Colonel and escape through the smashed walls. Let's do it.

Rabbit : No.

Reginald : So it's decided then! We bake a huge cake, hide inside it, and then leap out when the cops are about to eat it.

Perro : Let's get to work!

[Book III, Act VIII, Scene V. Inside the cake. CLINT, AUSTIN, CHASTITY, ALICE, ROD, PERRO, GELATO and ANGRY RABBIT are here, crammed into the cake, which has been deposited outside the castle. The cake is clearly being lifted somewhere. Everyone is now in their normal clothes, and have their weapons.]

Alice : Remind me again what happens here?

Rabbit : [Shouting] How stupid are you? [Shouts even louder] Once we hear the cops getting ready to cut the cake, we leap out and kill them. [Incredibly, gets even louder] Okay?

Chastity : [In a whisper] Shhhh! I don't think the marzipan is too sound proof.

Rabbit : Look! How many times do we have to tell you? We're hallucinations, only you lot can hear us.

Alice : [Whispering] But if we can all hear you, doesn't that mean that someone is probably saying something?

Rabbit : [Pauses a second] Hm, that's probably true.

[The movement of the cake stops. It is difficult to hear what's going on outside, but the party can definitely hear comments about how beautiful the cake is.]

Chastity : [Readying her mace. Still whispering] It appears that they're admiring my skills with an icing bag. We'd best break out before the first cut. We don't want lose anyone with a nasty cake knife wound.

Alice : Right. I'm ready. Just say the word, Chastity.

Chastity : [Looks round the rest of the group] Ready everyone?

[Everyone bursts out of the cake, much to the surprise of ROY, who was just about to eat some of it. He is holding a small cake slice in his hand, and looks shocked.]

Roy : What's going on? Have you come back to torture me some more?

Chastity : [To the room occupants] Suprise!

Alice : [Looks around] Hey! There's no one else here! What's going on, Roy?

Roy : I'm in a happy place. A place where people bring me cakes, and enjoy my cooking. And a place where people like you can't hurt me any more. [Pushes Alice back, with surprising ferocity, knocking her to the ground]

Alice : [Crying out in pain] Ow! Hey! What just happened? What's going on here?

Roy : [Smiles at the party] You're locked into a cell with an Arch Lich who's finally got his powers back. [Tries to crack his fingers by entertwining them and pushing them back out, but only succeeds in popping one off, and sending it flying across the room, into the cake] You're going to pay for that. And all the other nastiness that you showed me. And all the nastiness you showed to Kit. [Looks at Rod] I don't know who you are, but I'm going to suck you dry, like a - a - well, [gets flustered] I'm going to kill you!

Chastity : [Exiting the cake and keeping her distance from Roy] Roy! Where have you been? We've been worried sick about you, just disappearing off like that!

Clint : [Picking up a portion of cake with his hands and handing it towards Roy] Cake?

Roy : I know it is. [Catches Clint by the wrist, causing him to shudder, before pushing him across the room.]

Austin : [Shudders at the sight of Clint's soul draining away. Shrieks] Aiiiieee! [Ducks back down into the cake and redies his sling]

Roy : You know, all I wanted was to be friends with you, but you all just insisted on being horrible to me. The only one that was any way nice was Kit, and that's because she didn't speak! [Pushes Chastity back onto the floor]

Alice : [Bewildered at both what's going on around her, and at what's just happened to her] Hey! When were we mean? What did we do?

Austin : [looks at his meagre sling and frowns, puts it away, grabs a bit of ribbon from the side of the cake and does a neat bow on a beautiful and very expensive gold watch that he has polished up nicely. Pops up out of the cake. takes a deep breath. To Roy] I'm very sorry if we were not friendly enough. We aren't very nice, but we are trying. Here is a present from me to make up [Shakely, hands Roy the watch wrapped with a ribbon bow]

Harvey : [To Roy] What is going on here, soldier! We were never mean to you, and certainly these troop members do not deserve any punishment! [Raises his hands and adopts the classic boxer pose] Have at you, blackguard!

Chastity : [To Austin] Austin, stay out of his way. [Looks round with a look of suprise, despite her draining experience] Colonel? Where did you spring from?

Harvey : [Pauses from his stance for a moment to turn to Chastity] Why, from that infernal cake, Sister!

Roy : [To Austin] A present for me? [Reaches out, and catches Austin by the wrist] You must think me awfully stupid.

[AUSTIN goes rigid in pain, dropping the watch, before slumping in a heap when ROY lets go.]

Chastity : [Confused, looks at Harvey, looks at the cake, looks at Harvey. Still confused] Oh. OK. If you say so. [To Roy] I was never nasty to you, and this is the thanks that I get! No wonder you have no friends!

Harvey : By the saints, Sister! Never mind about how I got here, get back from him!

Roy : [Starts to tear up a little] I'm sorry Sister! [HOlds out his arms to give her a hug] Friends?

Chastity : [Backs round to the other side of the table from Roy] You must think I was born yesterday. Your behaviour in here has shed any trust we had in you. Look what you did to poor Austin. You fried a lawyer offering a gift, for Phili's sake. Do you know how rare that is!

Austin : [Gags slighty, then remains slumped on the floor. Possibly dead]

Rod : [Steps in front of Roy] Sir, I do not know who you are. I do not know what your problem is with these people, and I would rather not know where that smell is coming from, but I tell you now, if you try to harm these people, I will kill you.

Roy : [Still with his arms outstretched] I only want a hug.

Rod : Well, that seems fair enough. [Rod hugs Roy]

[ROD shudders uncontrollably, shaking up against ROY.]

Alice : What the hell kind of hug was that?

Austin : [Gets up slowly and staggers away from Roy, putting the watch back into his pocket. To Roy] How did you get your powers back? You must be most pleased.

Roy : My friends, the Elves, looked after me. They have breathed life into me, shown me the light, shown me the one, true way of good.

Alice : [Recovering] And what are you going to do, now that you have all this enlightenment?

Roy : I'm gonna wreak horrible revenge on any one that has ever done anything bad to me, real or imagined.

Chastity : The true way of good and enlightenment is not to abuse the gift with thoughts and actions of selfish revenge. You should be working with us to help save the very elves who brought you back you power, and defeat the evil Morcs at he city gates.

Roy : Yeah, you'd think that, wouldn't you. [Looks to Clint] You seem very quiet for a man who was making jokes about sausages and fingers! [Touches his shoulder, causing Clint to shudder, and fall to the ground]

Alice : [Looking around at the devastated party] You know, I think we'd better reconsider our strategy.

Chastity : [To Alice] Wise words indeed, my dear [Tries to pull the slumped Austin back from Roy without getting within his range] Did the door lock?

Austin : [Who is some distance from Roy, suprised by Chastity. To Chastity] Thanks. [To Roy] What was it specifically that we did that you didn't like?

Roy : Well, for a start, all these questions are getting a little irksome!

Harvey : [To Chastity] I don't believe so. [Slips passed Roy to the door, and opens it] No, it is open. [Closes the door and locks it] Better?

Chastity : [To Austin] Hold on, I thought you were near death? You were faking? [Drops him. To Harvey] Not really. Can you unlock it again. I think it's time to go, and leave our [glances at Roy] host to his cake.

Harvey : Yes, I could, but to be honest, I think we should wait until Roy is finished.

Chastity : [Blustering to Harvey] Finished what? Killing us, or his cake! What's happened to you, Colonel? Is it really you? Or are we caught up in some hallucination? I suppose that's what you get for going with a plan proposed by a giant hallucinary Rabbit! [Grasps hold of the edje of the table] I don't feel much like my self at the moment.

Clint : [Tries to stagger towards the door] Open the door Harv. We have to get out fast. [Looks around to see what's happened to Rod]

Harvey : As I always say, Sister, Jah! Jah, I say! We're at the bottom of the ninth, two men out and on the third ball. Jah, I say again!

Alice : I've never heard you say that! [To Chastity] You know, I never trusted that angry rabbit, but the fish seemed so nice!

[Everyone seems to have come through the effects of both Louis XV and the Revs.]

Rod : [Tries to pull himself up using the cake, but falls into it] I think we are in trouble, friends. Far be it from me to criticise your beloved Harvey, but I think he's a bastard who should be slaughtered.

Austin : [To Harvey, near death] Colonel, you don't sound like youself [Gasps] Infact, I don't think you are the Colonel at all, your all strange. [Makes for the door] [AUSTIN gets to the door, and turns the key, but is grabbed by HARVEY.]

Harvey : Jah! Austin, I know you are the greatest fighter in our party, but I will kill you unless you stay to hear what Roy has to say.

Chastity : Ah-ha , you're not the Colonel. You've just made one glaring error. [Looks round the room knowingly] The real Colonel Harvey Bassett-Short would never engage in physical contact with Austin. [To Roy] Well? What have you to say for yourself? [Makes a dramatic flourish] The stage is yours.

Roy : Why, thank you, Chastity. Just for that, I'll be extra nice to you. [Grabs her by the shoulder, causing her to fall back against the wall]

Alice : I think the time for talking is over. Now we've got to get serious. [Finds a custard pie sized plate on the floor, fills it up with creamy cake, and fires it at Roy, hitting him smack in the face.]

Chastity : [Clutching her shoulder and gasping] Well done, Alice. Now if only you can get him to stand on the end of a rake the lanpoonery will be complete. Failing that, knock his head off! The ungrateful swine.

Alice : Aw, come on, Chas! How stupid would he have to be to stand on a [smack. Alice gets hit in the face after standing on a carelessly discarded rake] Ow!

[ROY is temporarily blinded by the pie, while HARVEY pushes AUSTIN away from the door.]

Chastity : [Staggers towards Roy and attacks him with her mace]

[CHASTITY hits ROY with her mace, and, although she knocks him back, doesn't appear to do any damage. Meanwhile, HARVEY draws his sword to attack AUSTIN.]

Roy : Ow! Hey, there's no need to be so nasty about it!

Alice : Come on, let's get out of here. Come on, Stinky, make a move, will you? [Jumps onto Harvey's back]

Chastity : [Makes for the door, grimacing] I'm glad I'm with the powers of good and enlightenment, otherwise I'd be upset at my foiled attempt at selfish revenge!

Alice : [Still hanging on to Harvey] You tell him, Sister! We're on the side of right, so nothing bad can happen to us!

[The door opens and smacks CHASTITY on the head.]

Chastity : [Reeling back from the door, rubbing her head with her forearm] This experience just gets worse and worse. I'm sore, drained, disoriented, and in a stuck in a strange room covered in bits of cake with at least a couple of people I don't want to be with. That's what you get for taking drugs, I suppose. Phili forgive me.

[The door opens further, enter HARVEY.]

Harvey : Gah! Sister, what are you doing in this infernal place? [Looks in passed her, taking in all the carnage in front of him] Mm, cake!

Clint : [Tries to use the rake to stuck the door open]

Harvey : [Dodging the rake] Gah! Take it easy, Private! I'm on your side! Tell him, Chastity! [Turns to look at Alice, still thrashing about on the other Harvey's back] And you, Niece, you tell him! And you, Harvey, you tell him! [Pause] Eh? [Turns back to Harvey] Sir, you are obviously an imposter. [Punches the other Harvey square on the nose]

Roy : [Touches Clint's arm] Ah ah! You're going nowhere!

[CLINT staggers, and drops the rake.]

Clint : Must. Get. Out. [Falls in a heap on the floor]

Roy : Now, do I kill you? Or leave you as a pathetic waste?

Harvey : [To the other Harvey] I say you fat ruffian, unhand my niece this minute! [Attempts an uppercut at his face]

[HARVEY swings, but amateurishly misses, and punches ALICE on the nose.]

Alice : Ow!

[Despite the punch, she manages to hang onto the other HARVEY.]

Alice : Let's get out of here!

Clint : First I must take revenge on that bastard! [Tries to punch Roy, but ends up hitting himself and falling to the floor again] Ok, let's just get out of here. [Makes for the door]

[The force of the punch on ALICE is enough to spin her and HARVEY around, and they fall to the ground. She leaps up first, just as CLINT runs to the door, with the result that they both get stuck in it.]

Alice : [Angrily] Ow! Watch it, Stinky! Just noticed you're not on Doms list - so I'm forwarding his mail, plus I'll forward my reply to it next --- Dominic Job wrote: > From: Dominic Job

Chastity : [Looks back round at Rod and sighs] Come on, good sir Knight. Time for the fair maiden to help the knight for once! [Goes back to help/drag Rod towards the door] --- Colin Dinan wrote: > Date: Thu, 29 May 2003

Harvey : [Helping Alice] Run for it, troop! [Glares at Roy] Never did like that arch licher!

[ALICE and CLINT burst through the door with an aubible pop, and fall to the ground in front of HARVEY.]

Roy : [Turns to Chastity] Aw, how touching! [Wipes a tear from his eye, before shouting at her] Bitch! How come you never cared for me like that? [Pushes her roughly to the floor, back towards the door.]

Harvey : [The one in the room] I'll get her!

Harvey : [Tries to grab onto Chastity and pull her into their room with all his might] Heave ho, good sister, heave ho, I say!

Austin : [Pulls Alice through the door] Lets get the hell out of here!

Alice : I'll see to Harvey! [Tries to kick the other Harvey, but misses, and sends her shoe flying]

Harvey : [The one in the room] Hah! I'll get her! [Swings his sword, but is struck in the eye by a flying stiletto, which gouges into his right eye]

Alice : Yay! I got him! [Goes serious, and turns to Harvey] You're the real Harvey, right?

Harvey : [Still trying to pull Chastity] Gah, dear niece, how could you ever have confused me with that other fat oaf?

Alice : [Ducking to avoid a button flying off Harvey's shirt] Sorry, Uncle Harvey, I don't know what I was thinking! [Looks up and down the corridor] Which way?

[The door opens onto a corridor which leads off into the distance in both directions. There are several other doors in the corridor too.]

Chastity : [Scrambles up with the help of Harvey and makes for the door, trying to avoid Roy's withering touch and glare. To Harvey] Thank you, Colonel.

Alice : Look! Someone's trying to open the door, we'd better move quickly!

Harvey : Nowhere until we get good sir knight out of the room! We don't leave men behind!

Roy : [Opening the door, so he stands blocking it] Is that a fact? How come you were prepared to leave me behind?

Chastity : [Still visibly smarting from Roy's attentions. To Roy] Because you are no longer a man but an undead abomination. [To Harvey] We must go now, Colonel. We can't get past the him now.

Harvey : Gah! As always, you're right, Sister. This way troop! [Heads down the corridor, taking Alice by the hand.]

[Predictably, ALICE falls almost immediately.]

Alice : Hey! The other Harvey's got one of my shoes!

Clint : Tripping on Alice Hey!, watch where you fall! [Tumbles down the corridor]

Alice : Ow! Hey! I'm sick of people tripping over -

[Bang. AUSTIN falls over the two.]

Roy : Ah! Sweet justice! [Grabs each of Alice and Austin by the ankle]

[The two cry out in pain, and kick ROY away.]

Harvey : Quickly, troop! Before he sucks you dry! [Turns to run, but stops briefly and turns back] That's a bad thing, Private Sleaze!

Chastity : [Quickly follows Harvey, briefly turning to shake a stump at Roy] We'll be back, and not to see if your baking has improved either! [To Harvey] I hope you know where you're leading us, Colonel.

Harvey : Not a clue, Sister! I just know that I'm leading you away from where some brigands held me captive. This seems to be some sort of terrible prison. [Throws open the door at the end of the corridor.]

[Outside the door stands BEVERLY WAVERLY, an adult dressed in some kind of scout uniform, and three girl scouts, STACEY, MACEY and CASEY. BEVERLY has her back to the door. HARVEY and the others skid to a halt, inches from BEVERLY.]

Beverly : Here we have an interior door, that can only be used by employees, and not naughty girl scouts, even if they do hold the record for baking cookies.

[The three scouts titter at this. STACEY holds her hand up to ask a question.]

Stacey : What about dishevelled tramps who look like they've had too much brandy and revs?

Beverly : Stacey! What on earth are you talking about?

Chastity : Ah, good wholesome, even if slightly tarty, girl scouts. Thank Phili, to see that help is at hand. [Glances nervously at Clint. To Harvey] I fear yet another embarrassing anecdote for Clint's biography about to begin!

Beverly : [Turns and looks at the party] What on earth is going on here?

Austin : [Looking at the girls, suddenly dustss himself down and smartens himself up with amazinfg speed. To the Guides, smoothly] Hello girls, having fun?

Chastity : We are trying to escape the clutches of an vile and evil creature from down the corridor.

[The three girls giggle coquettishly at AUSTIN.]

Beverly : [Surprised] An evil and vile creature? That's trying to kill you? In this, the middle of a guided tour of girl scouts?

Clint : Yes! And he's coming this way, and... [Notices Casey's attributes] Hey! How you doin'?

Austin : [To Beverly, sincerely] Perhaps I should escort the girls to saftey, whilst you and the others investigte the creature?

Casey : [Gives a mindless giggle] Would you like to buy some cookies?

Beverly : [Sternly to Austin] You'll do no such thing, young man! I think you'll find that you are quite wrong to have come through that door - it is simply not the done thing.

[From the other side of the door, the party can hear ROY's voice saying "Oh no, we're not allowed go through that door", followed by HARVEY saying "Jah!".]

Chastity : Well in that case we'd better shut it, in case anyone else makes the same mistake. [Makes sure the group are through, and then shuts the door, and locks it if there is a lock]

[The door was already shut, but CHASTITY now locks it.]

Beverly : [Sternly] I think you had better go back in through that door.

Austin : [Looking at the girls, suddenly dustss himself down and smartens himself up with amazinfg speed. To the Guides, smoothly] Hello girls, having fun?

Chastity : We are trying to escape the clutches of an vile and evil creature from down the corridor.

[The three girls giggle coquettishly at AUSTIN.]

Beverly : [Surprised] An evil and vile creature? That's trying to kill you? In this, the middle of a guided tour of girl scouts?

Clint : Yes! And he's coming this way, and... [Notices Casey's attributes] Hey! How you doin'?

Austin : [To Beverly, sincerely] Perhaps I should escort the girls to saftey, whilst you and the others investigte the creature?

Casey : [Gives a mindless giggle] Would you like to buy some cookies?

Beverly : [Sternly to Austin] You'll do no such thing, young man! I think you'll find that you are quite wrong to have come through that door - it is simply not the done thing.

[From the other side of the door, the party can hear ROY's voice saying "Oh no, we're not allowed go through that door", followed by HARVEY saying "Jah!".]

Chastity : Well in that case we'd better shut it, in case anyone else makes the same mistake. [Makes sure the group are through, and then shuts the door, and locks it if there is a lock]

[The door was already shut, but CHASTITY now locks it.]

Beverly : [Sternly] I think you had better go back in through that door.

Chastity : We can't, its shut and locked.

Clint : But you just told us no-one goes through that door. You wouldn't want us to make such a bad example in front of the girls now, would you? [Wink!, directed at Casey]

Harvey : [Bows to Beverly] Madam, I am most apologetic for our sudden appearance, but do assure you, it is only because our very lives were in danger! Perhaps we can smooth things over with the purchase of some cookies? [Stomach rumbles massively] A mere couple of dozen boxes or so.

Austin : [To Harvey] Good idea Colonel, [Looks at Stacey] Let's get some samples from the girls first though, before we induldge ourselves in four boxes [Winks at Stacey] or more.

Beverly : [To Harvey] Purchase cookies, eh? [Suddenly notices the lecherous looks of Austin and Clint] Girls! Chastity belts on stun!

[STACEY slaps AUSTIN, almost knocking him to the floor.]

Alice : [Smiling at Austin's misfortune] Hey, Austin got slapped by a girl guide! I think I'm going to join them!

Beverly : [Coldly] We do have some standards, you know.

Chastity : [To Alice] Obviously your cookie baking reputation precedes you.

Austin : [Looking as though he may have enjoyed the slap, a little. To Stacey, innocently suprised] What did I say? [Smiling] I only wanted to sample your [Hint of a pause] biscuits, before investing a larger quantity. [Appeals to Stacey for forgiveness, smiling his best smile]

Stacey : [Points out a sewn on badge on her sleeve, which depicts a knee hitting someone's groin] Your lecherous behaviour says it all.

Beverly : Girls! Draw your weapons!

[The four all draw savage looking swiss army knives.]

Austin : [Gasps in shock as the girls draw weapons] I can see now why the elves think humans are all a bunch of psychotic murdering animals. [Puts his hands up] I surrender.

Clint : Out of the frying pan and into the fire! So much for cookie sampling. I think we should leave now!

Alice : You cowards! We're trained professionals - surely we can take a bunch of girl guides? [Draws her sword, but fumbles it and drops it on the ground] Jah! I mean, gah!

[The girl scouts move in menacingly.]

Austin : [To Alice] I advise surrender. Behind us is an Arch Lich, and in front of us are several, [looks Stacey over, briefly] fully loaded girl scouts. [To Stacey] I surrender.

Chastity : Now, now, girls. [holds up her hand/stump whilst backing off slightly] You wouldn't attack a handicapped lady of the clth and her chums would you?

Stacey : [To the other girls] Surrender? No one's ever tried to surrender to us before, what do we do?

Beverly : [To the party] Empty your pockets, that we may judge your moral worth by that which you choose to keep close to you.

Alice : Okay, okay.

[ALICE feels in her pockets, and takes her hands out. Everyone's attention is drawn to a condom in her hand.]

Alice : [Lamely] Er, be prepared?

[BEVERLY and co. are clearly unsure of what happens now.]

Austin : [To Beverly] Err, we could by some biscuits from you as a gesture of good will, [Looks at Harvey] and starvation.

Chastity : [Awkwardly brings out a cross, and a teatowel] Hardly the items of menace I think you'll agree.

Beverly : How many boxes of cookies would you like to buy?

Harvey : Er, four?

[BEVERLY and the girls laugh at this.]

Beverly : Let's see, they are one gold piece each, so let's say two hundred.

Alice : Two hundred. [Looks around, embarassed] Er, sorry, I thought we were all going to say two hundred.

Austin : [To Harvey] I think running away might be cheaper, [Pauses] and much more fun [Austin backs off, ready to run away, eyes Stacey in case she makes a move]

Harvey : [Out of the side of his mouth to Austin] Much as it pains me to admit it, Private, I think you are right. Now then, you're the most experienced at running away screaming, perhaps you might show the rest of us, eh?

Chastity : [To the guides] Two Hundred you say. OK then, but I'll just have to get my purse [Points behind the girls to the exit]

[All of the girls start to not only look behind them, but to turn around completely to look.]

Alice : [Stopping them] No, Chastity, there it is look! [Points at Chastity's side] See? [Beams happily at her helpfulness]

Austin : [As the guides all turn away, to Harvey] Okay, colonel [Austin legs it, but does not scream]

Chastity : [Gives Alice a glare and follows Austin, muttering ]Stupid girl.

Harvey : [To Austin] Eh? Speak up! [Notices that Austin is halfway up the corridor] I say! Private Sleaze! Is it time to run?

[Realisation dawns on HARVEY as everyone else legs it at the same time, pursued by the girls. They quickly come to the front door, which, surprisingly, is opened.]

Alice : [As everyone bursts out through the door] Where do we go now?

[The party is standing in a busy street, and, although the girl guides are still coming, no one else seems to be paying them any great attention.]

Harvey : [Attempts to close and bolt/lock/block the door] Let's nonchalantly try to stop those evil girl guides from chasing us!

Austin : [To Harvey] Lets nochalantly fail to lock the door so that they can chase us a bit more. [Muses] Then after the chase, perhaps some spanking would be in order [Thinks about this for a moment for effect]

Alice : Spanking? Or having the life beaten out of you? Or does it matter?

[HARVEY pushes the door shut, just as the girl guides approach, sending them all sprawling to the floor.]

Chastity : Oh dear, all their cookies will be smashed to pieces! [Looks around at the others] What do we do now?

Clint : How about finding a bar? That's the best place to get some information. And maybe the smell of alcohol will help me remember how to pick a fight again!

Chastity : For shame, Clint Scar! Thinking about your own needs at a time like this. We would be far better served choosing somewhere that we can keep a low profile for a while to figure out what happened. And possibly get some tea.

[Time passes, with the only sound being a strange whistling sound from ALICE's left nostril.]

Chastity : [Glares at Alice] What?

Alice : I didn't say anything! [Looks around at the others] In fact, no one's said anything!

Harvey : Well troop, what's it to be? Those girl guides are starting to look pretty ugly!

Chastity : [To Austin] I'm sure that a man of the Colonel's excellent upbringing is more than acquainted with the refined things in life. It's the application of discipline and self control amongst certain of this party that's the problem here. [To Harvey] Let's find a secluded corner to plan our next move. So far we've just stumbled from one den of iniquity to another with disastrous consequences! [Looks around the street]

Austin : [Looks at Chastity, then looks at Alice and does cross-eyes. Mimics Chastity] Refined application of discipline. [ To Chastity, casualy] We are here to find the wand and save the world, not hide in a secluded corner, planing for something we know nothing about [Checks his nails, frowns and checks some more]

Chastity : [Making a mock show] Oh, so you actually remember why we're here. And here was I thinking that you'd forgotten and decided to just lose yourself in an orgy of hedonistic sin. [Seriously] We need a quiet place to decide whether we give up looking for help in the hole of debauchery, or persevere. The distractions of the local brandy and culture have proven to be counterproductive at best.

Harvey : [Thundering at Austin] And what do you propose sir? That we stand in the middle of a crowded street discussing our secret [even louder] I say secret plans!

[Some passers by start to look at the party.]

Austin : [To Chastity, still casually checking and re-checking his nails] So, we should find and inn then? [Looks about to see if there is an inn nearby. Then checks his teeth again for pearly whiteness] With all this searching for the, special stick, we must be due some R and R soon.

Clint : I agree with the lawyer, let's find a bar.

[Practically the whole street is lined with sleazy bars and strip shows.]

Clint : I'll scout ahead, and might check out some likely places.

Harvey : Wait a moment, Private. [Points at a bar with a huge neon breast on top] That sign is strangely familiar - I believe our house is just behind it.

Austin : [Looks suprised at Harvey's perception] Excellent Colonel, well spotted. [Muses] We should have a party to celebrate your release.

Harvey : [To the others] Well, come come troop! I feel a bit exposed standing around in this street, in full view of all and sundry! To the house!

Alice : [As the party approach the house] Thank God! Some sanity at last. Hey look! Someone's laid out a red carpet for us - I bet it was the fish, he was really nice. [Face drops] Hey! That's not carpet, it's blood!

Harvey : It's not one of us, is it? [Looks around at the party]

Alice : No, but maybe someone killed the fish?

Chastity : [In mock worry, to Alice] Or maybe the rabbit! [Serious again] Shall we investigate? [Goes to peep into a window]

[Everyone goes up to the window, a-slippin' and a-slidin' on the blood. Through the (shut) window they can see OZZY NICEBOURNE, sprawled on one of the bean bags. He is facing towards the party, but doesn't see them, as he is hunched over, trying to roll up a cheeseratte. He is clearly very badly wounded in the chest and stomach, and has left a blood trail leading in here. As his hands are covered in blood, he is having extreme difficulty, and has several cheeseratte papers stuck to his hands.]

Harvey : Gah! I should have known he'd come to a sticky end!

Alice : Hang on, Uncle Harvey. He's the one who stopped us all from being arrested. He's the one person in this town who's actually done anything to help us. He's the one person in this town that we might be able to trust. He's the - [slips on the blood and falls down] Ow!

Austin : [Sees Ozzy have difficulty rollin a cheeesarette] We should go in and help him [Goes into the house to help Ozzy with his cheesearette, avoiding the blood as much as possible]

Harvey : Good idea, Private Sleaze.

[Enter ALL but ALICE into the house.]

Alice : Hey! Who's going to help me? [To herself] I'll show them. [Gets up, and immediately slips and falls again] Ow. [Gets up, and immediately slips and falls again.] Ow. Maybe I'll just wait here a while.

[Book III, Act VIII, Scene VI. In the Sitting Room. CLINT, AUSTIN, CHASTITY and HARVEY are here, having just arrived in to where OZZY is. The blood is clearly his, and an enormous amount has been spilled. AUSTIN slips in, and takes the paper and cheese from OZZY.]

Ozzy : [Weakly] It's just as well you made it, I can't hold on much longer.

Austin : [Quickly finished the cheesearette construction and pops it into Ozzy's mouth, gets out his lighter and lights it for him] Who did this to you? What's the hell is going on here? [Looks at Ozzy's wounds. Calls to Chastity] I think he could do with some of your [Pauses] special help Chassers.

Chastity : [Slips into the kitchen, wets a tea towel and returns to mop Ozzy's forehead, shaking her head sadly.] I fear we may be too late for that, and since our draining encounter with Roy I don't think I could.

Harvey : [To Austin] Gah! Don't give him something to smoke - don't you know how bad that is for his health?

Ozzy : Things are so messed up here man, the whole place is going to fall apart when people find out what's happening.

Chastity : Why, what's happening?

Ozzy : I'm dying, that's what's happenning! There is something awful going on in the city - Ralph, Ralph!

Clint : Aw, man, is he going to throw up?

Chastity : [Looks at Clint with a tut. To Ozzy] Ralph what? Ralph needs to know? Ralph is in league with the Morcs? Ralph is in league with the Elves? Ralph had the whole world ralphs with you, cry and you cry alone?

Ozzy : Ralph knows - you've got to - got to - unh. [Collapses in a heap]

Harvey : I say! That wasn't very much help, was it?

Ozzy : [Waking up again, and taking a quick drag of his cheeseratte] You've got to take the brewery tour, find out - find out .... [Dies]

Chastity : [Looks round the group. To Ozzy] Hold on, hold on! Find out what?

Ozzy : [Wakes up again with an exhausted sigh] Find out what is really going on, and where Louis XV really comes from. [Dies again, only to wake up once more] Oh yeah, and find out what the hell those shapeshifters have got to do with things. [Dies, just as a huge flash of lightening crashes outside]

Austin : [Rescues the doober and takes a quick drag whilst checking Ozzy's pulse] I guess we'll just have to go on the brewery tour [Takes another drag, blows some smoke rings and hands the doober to Clint]

[OZZY appears to be really dead this time.]

Clint : Thanks, lawyer. [Takes a drag] You know, I can't say that blood on the joint really helps. [Looks at Ozzy] Of course, it's quite possible that he was killed because he in some way helped us.

[Enter ALICE, clearly having fallen at least fourteen or fifteen times, and literally covered in blood.]

Alice : Hey! Thanks for waiting - just what was so important that you couldn't hang on another few seconds?

Harvey : [To Alice] This mans last few drug addled words, my dear niece! [To Clint] It is far more likely that he was killed because he knew something about the shape shifters! That ridiculously fat Harvey was definitely one, troop! So who can tell how much of the town is infected!

Alice : The ridiculously fat Harvey? I thought that was ... [tails off] Shapeshifters, you say?

Chastity : And the bottles of Louis XV seem to be involved as well. [To Harvey] I knew that drink was just trouble.

Harvey : Too right Sister. Unfortunately, once again our voices were drowned out by the ignorant and hedonistic masses. [To Alice] Not you, of course, niece.

Alice : But how did the other Harvey know our names? I thought someone said something about something like that?

Clint : That's right. I definitely remember someone saying something.

Austin : [Muses] The shapeshifters must be after the wand, trying to get it before we do, but we can't tell whos who [Looks at Alice, covered in blood, then at Harvey] The other Harvey did make some critical mistakes, like saying [Does his best Harvey inmpersonation] Jah! [normal voice] instead of [impersonation] Gah!

Chastity : Maybe the shapeshifters are distributing the Louis XV. We've already seen how it can change peoples behaviour patterns [indicates to Alice, Austin and Clint] with you three with your incessant hugging and giggling. With everyone acting peculiarly, the shapeshifters would be able to take their places without fear of their slip-ups being noticed. Last from Samito #17

Austin : And the elves gave us the Louis XV, perhaps they are in league with the shapeshifters, you saw how much they hated humans. [Shrugs] Maybe the Elves are shapeshifters?

Harvey : Hah! Well done, Private Sleaaze, you spotted the clue I gave the shapeshifters to pass on to you. I deliberately planted falsehoods, such as my use of the word Jah, and also some mistruths about the party. For example, I told them that you were a brave fighter*, that Alice was a sluttish girl rather than the dignified young lady we all know and love, and that Sister Chastity, far from being the warm person we all enjoy, was a sarcastic old witch!

Clint : [Starts checking Ozzy's body] Hm, looks like he hasn't got anything. [Looks back at Austin] I presume you relieved him of all his stuff while [quotes] checking his pulse?

Chastity : [To Alice] And here was me thinking Austin at least lived by the restraint of [quotes] anything with a pulse.[stop quotes]

Austin : [Sereenly to Chastity] Alas sister, [Puts a hand on his heart in sincerity, smirking] Life is too short to exclude the dead from ones flock. [To Clint] There was this, Mr. Scar, [Austin gets the orb out of his pocket] An orb of ressurection. I suppose we should really use it on Ozzy, since it was his. Whats says the good sister?

Chastity : [To Alice] And here was me thinking Austin at least lived by the restraint of [quotes] anything with a pulse.[stop quotes]

Austin : [Sereenly to Chastity] Alas sister, [Puts a hand on his heart in sincerity, smirking] Life is too short to exclude the dead from ones flock. [To Clint] There was this, Mr. Scar, [Austin gets the orb out of his pocket] An orb of ressurection. I suppose we should really use it on Ozzy, since it was his. Whats says the good sister?

Alice : Do we even know how to use it?

Chastity : [Peering at the orb] Well, it looks awful like the ones that were used to resurrect Clint and Harvey from the soul sanctuaries. So it may not work for the unfutanate Ozzy. [To Alice] You don't have anyone inside you at the moment do you? Ahhh, cut'n'paste....Brilliant

Austin : [To Alice] Good point, and since Roy we are virtually powerless. [Looks at the orb] Oh well, we'll just have to keep it [Puts it in his pocket] Poor old Ozzy.

Clint : Yeah, poor guy. It looks like he was killed trying to warn us.

Harvey : Yes, a brave soldier, indeed.

Alice : What about Jerome?

Harvey : What about him, niece?

Alice : Well, isn't he in -

Clint : [Interrupting] Hey! Isn't Jerome in there? [Points at Alice's stomach]

Harvey : Gah! Quick thinking, Private Scar!

Alice : [Disappointed face] Hey!

Chastity : Why of course, Jerome. Those drugs must have effected my memory! [Shakes her head] Never again. [Looks around the group] Should we try the orb? It may be our best chance to bring him back. [To Alice] Is it a record? This must be the longest you've had someone inside you.

Alice : [Still miffed about Clint stealing her thunder, folds her arms childishly and stares at Chastity for a good twenty seconds] Yes.

Harvey : Right, what happens now? Gah! If only we had the good Doctor Trindle here to tell us what to do.

Alice : [Sulkily] I think there was a pentagram used the last time, but I don't remember what shape it was.

Chastity : [Thoughtfully] A five pointed star inside a circle should do the job. Just in case, we should maybe trace it in salt, as I believe that traps any evil spirits within the circle. [Produces a salt cellar from her bag] Fortunately I have some to season my boiled eggs on picnics. [Looks down at the blood soaked floor] Maybe here isn't quite the best place.

Clint : Come on, Chassers! What could be more natural than using Ozzy's demise to bring back the Doc? Here, let's use some of his blood.

[CLINT traces out a pentagram in blood, and ALICE lights a candle at each point of the pentagram.]

Alice : Wow! All we're missing is the heavy metal band. You know, I once auditioned for a part in a heavy metal video, it was the part of Slutty Girl. [Disappointed face] Didn't get it, though.

Harvey : Ah, poor Alice. Not slutty enough, no doubt!

Alice : Er, yes. That's right. Not slutty enough.

Harvey : Well never mind, dear niece! Imagine how horrified your parents would have been to see you in that video! Alls well that ends well, thats what I think, eh!

Alice : Yeah, remember the way they reacted when they saw me - saw that girl who looked like me in the other video? Anyway, I'll just go upstairs and get cleaned up while you lot are doing this.

Clint : Hey, Bimbo! Surely you need to be here for this?

Alice : [Puzzled] Huh? [Smiles] Oh yeah, silly me. Now, anyone got any clue what we're supposed to do?

Austin : [Grimaces as Clint draws the pentegram in the blood, then smiles wryly] If we resurect Jerome in Ozzy's blood, won't we get a kind of Ozzyfied Jerome? [Looks hopefully at the blood, then grimaces at the ickyness. Then looks at the others] I have been pondering a certain predicament that we may face. We have all died, some of us several times, and therefore, it is possible that we could at some point in time have been presumed dead, by the authorities in Queensview, and therefore it may have come to pass that our wills may have been executed. [Pauses and strolls a bit] But we live on. The legal situation is certainly ambiguous. [Ponders] And indeed, does the act of ressurecting someone, for example Jerome, then confer the position of parent upon the ressurector? [Catches a glimpse of himself in a mirror and checks his hair]

Alice : Tut! Austin, don't you have anything better to do with your time than to come up with this kind of thing?

Chastity : [Nodding in agreement] Quite so. [Looks down at the pentagram and gives a shudder] Not quite following Church Of Phili guidelines, but I suppose it'll do. Now I believe this calls for my special skills. [Takes the Orb from Austin and raises it above her head] Oh Lord Phili, please see fit to ignore the nonsensical parental musings of the one immersed in the pretentiousness of human law. Thou art the father of us all. We call on you to bring back our friend, and your son, Jerome, so that we may celebrate with him your gift of life.

Austin : [Laughing at Chastitys 'street theatre', claps his hands] Bravo! Encore! [Then looks dissapointed] Is that it? [Sigh] Well at least it was free.

Chastity : [Glares at Austin] ...and feel free to borrow from those less deserving.

Austin : [To Chastity, sneering] Well that's very charitable and self sacrificing, offering someone elses' life to improve your own. Any way, lets celebrate the gift of life with a party, before Jerome gets back and paints everything grey.

Alice : That suggests, Austin, that there might actually be something worth taking from yours!

[There is a rumble of thunder, followed by an enormous amount of sparks cracking around the room and pentagram. When the smoke clears, DR. JEROME K. TRINDLE, BSC, PHD, lies on the floor just off to one side of the blood. Mercifully, he is still wearing the same clothes as when he died.]

Jerome : [Blinking in disorientation] Dr. Jerome K. Trindle, BSc, PhD believes that his current disorientation, confusion and nausea is most probably caused by having been removed from a soul sanctuary. [Glances up and sees Austin] Well, at least the disorientation and confusion, anyway.

Alice : Jerome! Yay!

Chastity : [Helps Jerome up] Welcome back to the fold, dear Doctor. We could do with another cool mind around here.

Jerome : It is good to be back, good Sister. Although [looks forlornly at Alice] I was in a good place. How long was I in there?

Harvey : About a week and a half, sir. It is good to see you.

Jerome : You too, Colonel. [Looks around] Judging by the quantity of blood, the stench of cheese and the deadness of the dead guy, we're in a tight pickle.

Alice : Not as much of a pickle as poor Ozzy. [Thinks for a moment] Mm, pickles. Gah! Damned cheese fumes!

Austin : [Looks most disapointed at the arrival of Jerome. To Jerome] Hey there old chap, good to have you back [Goes back to checking his hair in the mirror, mid sentence. To Jerome] To bring you up to speed, we are still looking for the wand, and we believe it is around this town somewhere, possibly in the castle. [Finishes perfecting his hair] And there seem to be alot of shapeshifters around the place, ooh, and an arch Lich, [Looks back at the mirror again] who has sapped us of our abbilities, so to speak, so Clint can't fight and Chassers can't heal, and I, well I'm not as good at some things as I used to be.

Chastity : [Aside to Alice] Did you see that? That was almost a chink in Austin's ego.

Austin : [To Chastity] Almost. [Looks at Jerome] Well, Jerome is alive once more, so I believe that this would be the most appropriate time to celebrate, as Chassers suggested, so lets party [Goes over to the stereo and puts on some music]

Alice : [To Chastity] You know, it just might [speaks more loudly to be heard over the "Base of Ace" music thumping out of the stereo] it just might be. Although, maybe the ability that was affected was ego armour?

Jerome : [To Austin] Mr. Sleaze, Dr. Jerome K. Trindle, BSc, PhD is touched by the joy which his presence brings you. Furthermore, he suspects that his abilities have not been affected by this Arch Lich of which you speak. [Turns to his digital watch and plays a quick game of tetris] Ah! It appears as though nothing has flombulagated.

Chastity : No, we made sure to keep Alice's hair away from the flames.

Jerome: [Nodding at Chastity] Certainly, Dr. Jerome K. Trindle, BSc, PhD, would be exacerbated at the revelation of such an occasion as the emblazoned removal of a gem as that!

Harvey : Hah! [Gives Jerome a thump on the back that sends him staggering forwards a litte] Great stuff, Doctor! How great it is for this old soldier to hear your words of science again.

Alice : [Looks around] What fire?

Chastity : [To Alice] Nevermind, dear. Just watch out for the candles! [Goes and turns the stereo off at the plug] Right now everyone. Now that the group is back together, with the grace of Phili, back to the business in hand. How are we going to get into the castle?

Alice : Didn't Ozzy say something about a tour? A brewery tour? Maybe -

Clint : [Interrupting] Yes, yes, great idea Bimbo. Let's take the tour, stock up on free beer and Heineken t-shirts, and then we can think about this wand thing some more.

Austin : [Jokingly] Why don't we hide inside a giant cake, and when they take the cake inside to eat it, we spring out and suprise them [Smirks and ckuckles. To Jerome] You will be please to hear that Maplin is as beautiful as ever, perhaps you could do some research into why he is so beautiful? [Austin pats Maplin]

Chastity : [To Clint] Nearly a good idea. I think we should stay clear of the beer. [Looks round the group] I'm sure the repercussions of the last twenty four hours have put us all off indulging in drugs and drink.

Alice : [Dead serious, nodding her head] Good idea, good idea. [Tents her fingers] All we need to do is analyse what went wrong the last time.

Harvey : [Stomach makes a hungry growl at Austin] Cake, eh? Well, they'd never expect us to try the same plan twice, what?

Alice : [Shrugs] What do you mean? It was like any Friday night out in Limerick.

Clint : [To Chastity] Well said, Sister. Well said. [Gives her a little clap which appears to be sincere]

Jerome : [To Maplin, annoyed at the slap] It seems, Mr Maplin that you are indeed the recipient of some small magnitude of attractiveness, though your attachments continue to fall short of any level of requirement for one of your status. [scratching his chin as if thinking deeply then turning to Chastity]. It would seem prudent to wrench oneself from the discovery of such small pleasures and focus on the cognate functions necessary for castle entry.

Alice : [Turns to Clint, and hisses angrily] Clint!

Clint : [Does a placating move with his hand] The Sister is right, Alice. No more beer to be drank. Now, there is, of course, the matter of the brandy!

[ALICE claps happily, impressed at CLINT's subtlety.]

Harvey : Ah, Doctor! As ever, you are a bastion of good sense. This castle that we escaped from - could it be that it is also the brewery? For why else where there girl guides getting a tour there?

Alice : Maybe they were just getting a tour of the castle?

Jerome : [Smiles haughtily] Indubitably!

Alice : There was also this Ralph Walton guy. [Turns to Jerome by way of explanation] He's the one who owns the town.* I wonder where he lives.

Harvey : [Scratches at a sideburn] Hmm, dear niece, perhaps he too lives in castle! Perhaps another, yet another reason for the girl guides to be there, what! For what town ruler could deny himself the gastronic delight of their fine cookies!

Jerome : [Puzzled] Cookies, Harvey? Wait! Ah! Yes! [suddenly produces a pen and notebook and begins scribbling]

Harvey : [Delightedly watches Jerome for a moment or two] By the saints, good doctor! It's damned good to have you back! No doubt you're working on some cleverly convolutedly cunning and connivingly crafty compounds to create the everlasting cookie? [Drools] Or cake?

Alice : [Trying to sneak a look at Jerome's notebook, but speaking to Harvey] It looks like everything's going on in the castle. [Turns and looks out a window at the bar where the party almost got some brandy earlier, and says whistfully] Almost everything.

Jerome : [Excitely finishing a sketch remotely resembling a box with several distinct multi-elbowed arms with ends shaped like flapjack flippers] Most assuredly, Harvey! Dr. Jerome K. Trindle's Super Cookie Stacker. A necessity for any aspiring baker!

Austin : [Catches a glimpse of Jeromes cookie stacker and frowns] How is that going to help us get into the castle? [Strokes Maplin as he looks at his beautiful forearm] We could dress up as girl guides of course, and ask for a tour of the castle. [Pause as if visualising the scene] We could bake cookies with sleeping pills in them and sell them super cheap to the soilders. [Snaps out of his glazed expression] On the other hand we could just go on the tour of the brewery, as Ozzy sugested, and find out what is happening to all of the booze in this city, I think we all agree that it is unusual, to say the least.

Chastity : But if the brewery is in the castle won't we be recognised? Maybe a disguise is in order, although I not overly eager to see the Harvey dressed up as a Girl Guide. [To Harvey] No offence meant, Colonel.

Harvey : [Laughs good-naturedly] None taken, Sister, although any semi-militaritic uniform can hardly be that bad, can it? [Looks at Jerome's drawing] Gah! Private Sleaze is correct! How on earth is that going to facilitate the consumption of cookies, Doctor? We want to eat them, not store them, dammit!

Clint : How about putting on the outfits we were wearing when we woke up here earlier?

Alice : But I was naked.

Clint : Click-click!

Chastity : Well I suppose we could use the hippie theme as a base for our disguise. At least we'll be able to get hold of the clothes. It would look a bit suspicious five adults, [pauses to glance at the clicking Clint] ehem, four adults and someone else all out looking for Girl Guide uniforms.

Austin : [Looks around] Well, we haven't looked around the house yet, there could be some costumes in a cupboard someplace, or Mr. Rabbit outfits or something. I might even find the deeds to the property. [Austin goes and searches around the house]

Harvey : Good suggestion, Private Sleaze. Unless we can find more of those degenerate hippy clothes, we could be in trouble, for it isn't likely that any [glances at Clint] that many of the troop would own such wicked clothing.

Alice : [Looking up from from her bag, surreptiously slipping a tied dyed crop top back in] Yes, that's true.

[Meanwhile, AUSTIN flies around the room in a blur of searching.]

Jerome : [Thoughtfully tapping his teeth with his pencil, turning to Alice] Naked, you say?

[AUSTIN disappears for a moment, and soon returns with a huge armful of all manner of hippy type clothing.]

Alice : Er, [looks to Austin] Yay! Well done, Aussie! [Jerome] : [looking at Austin] Well, that is quite a prolific collection!

Alice : [Pulls out a crop top identical to the one she hid in her own bag earlier] Honestly, Harvey, look at this!

Harvey : Yes, dear niece, it is awful, but needs must, as they say!

Jerome : [looking at Alice] Yes, that is aweful. But as Harvey has eloquently extolled, needs have their requirements also [a strange smile crossing his face].

Austin : [Drops the clothes on a blood free chair. Heavily over emphasised says] And [waves some tickets in the air and reads one out] "This entitles the bearer to free tour of the Castle Brewery, and entrance to Ralph Walton's daily speech" . Free tickets to the brewery tour for all of us. [Smiles in a self satisfied manner at his own briliance]

Jerome : [Smiling] Austin Sleaze, you are good for something!

Alice : [Taking a ticket] Well, I guess that answers the question of where we're going to go.

[A short time passes.]

Alice : Er, where are we going?

[Book III, Act VIII, Scene VII. Outside the Castle. CLINT, JEROME, AUSTIN, ALICE CHASTITY and HARVEY are here, dressed in their groovy hippy clothes. As they approach, they can see that there is a crowd of about five hundred people gathered outside. Everyone in the crowd is standing in silence, looking vacantly at the castle. The party recognise several of them, including HIMO, ROCK, SCISSORS, PAPER, BASH, POSTIN, ARCHIBALD, MEECH AND MONG, MYSTERIOSA and ANDY SPEC.]

Alice : [A little sulky] You know, if we were real hippies we'd be stoned.

Harvey : Now, niece, we already discussed this. A good troop is an alert troop. [Walks straight into Archibald] Gah! What is going on here? A queue?

Austin : [To Alice, in Austin 'hippie' manner] Hey, good point sugar! [Austin constructs a doober from some cheese he found earlier, with remarkable speed and dexterity. He lights it, takes two huge draws, blows two large smoke rings, and passes the toob to Alice, winking] Now we look like the real thing, an in a moment we shall sound like the real thing too. Man. I mean Dude, no girl, man. [Frowns] That's good shit.

Alice : Yay! [Starts to smoke the cheeseratte]

[HARVEY produces a whip from nowhere and snaps it out of her mouth.]

Alice : Hey!

HArvey : Now now, my girl. Clear minds and all that. [Looks at Archibald] You there, sir! What's going on here, eh? Hello!

Chastity : [To Harvey] I don't think he'll be the best one to ask, having soiled himself at our last encounter. [Points to Bash] Maybe the journalist will have a better idea of the situation.

Austin : [To Chastity] But you never get a straight answer froma journalist, they twist and change ever word to suit their own needs, often just making up stories as they go along, how could we trust them? [Looks at Chastity to see if she has an answer]

Chastity : [Looks at Austin with raised eyebrows, pauses and replies in a slightly choked voice] Who then?

Austin : [To Chastity] I suggest Himo maybe our best bet, he has no reason to lie to us and we know more about him than any of the others, notwithstanding the possiblity of him being a shapshifter, of course. [Looks at unbelieveably distastful clothing and grimaces]

Chastity : Well I suppose we could test him by asking if he's heard from that patient, shy and well mannered daughter of his, Faetan. today. today!)

Alice : [Closing her mouth with an audible clunk as she recovers from Austin's hypocrisy] Oh-kay! Look, there's Himo.

[HIMO is standing just ahead of the party, looking as vacant as the rest of the crowd. ALICE walks around the front of him and faces him.]

Alice : Hi Himo, remember us? We're friends of your daughter.

[HIMO doesn't answer, and simply ignores ALICE.]

Alice : [To the party] Looks like it's him, then!

Chastity : [Looking at Himo's lack of reaction and glancing round the crowd] It's as if they are all hypnotised. [To Clint] Maybe it's time to try the underarm test on him. That should shake him out of his trance.

Alice : Maybe, Chastity, but at what cost? [With a hint of hysteria] What cost?

Austin : [To Alice] I don't see why you are worried, you have no testicles to loose.

Alice : Then I guess you're not worried either, Austin.

Austin : [To Alice] That's slander [Scribbles something in a note pad] Just another addintion to my extensive liable case I have against you. [Sticks his tounge out at Alice]

Chastity : [To Austin] Well I hope you've got reliable witnesses to back your accusations, otherwise I'm sure the Bassett-Shorts won't hesitate to counter-suit.

Alice : [To Austin] Put that thing away, Phili only knows where it's been.

Harvey : [Poking Himo's cheek, and not eliciting a reaction] Well troop, I don't think we're going to get any sense out of them. Shall we look at this tour?

Austin : [To Alice] Take that back! Phili, if he exists, is not the only one who knows where this has been [Austin waves his note pad] I know where it has been, thanks you very much. [Puts his pad away. To Harvey, whilst straightening his own cuff] Yes Colonel, a good idea, shall we proceed with the tour, and not let these bickering boculles ruin the mission [Waves his hand in the general direction of Alice and Chastity.]

Alice : [Does a "handbags at twenty paces move at Chastity] Oooh! [Turns to Jerome] What's a boculle?

Jerome : Dr. Jerome K. Trindle, BSc, PhD supposes that Mr. Sleaze simply made up the worc, such is his desperation to be seen as superior to others in the party.

Harvey : Yes, Private Sleaze, let us try and gain entry.

[The party squeeze through the crowd, and eventually come up to the door, which HARVEY knocks loudly upon. It is soon opened by TIPPER OVEUR, who looks at the party coldly.]

Tipper : Yes?

Chastity : [To Tipper] Good day. We are here for the tour.

Austin : [Shows Tipper the tickets. To Jerome] The good doctor is quite mistaken, a Boculle, is infact a sharp and spikey buckle, used for fastening leather, and also an unusually wide mouthed bottle. It was my intention, and a cunning play on words it was too, to infer, both spikeyness and enlarged mouthiness in one word. [Smiles victoriously and turns back to Tipper] We would like to go on the next guided tour please.

Jerome : How ironic then, that you managed to convey both by your actions.

Tipper : [Looks at the tickets, before giving a huge warm smile] Well, that's just super! Come on in. You must all be so very, very thirsty.

Harvey : Indeed so, good sir! Indeed so! Our mouths are as parched as a desert in the middle of summer, and a tour of your fine brewery is just the ticket! [Glances suspiciously at Austin, before turning back to Tripper] Tell me fellow, are your beverages available in a boculle?

Tipper : [Laughs] Sir, you can drink our brandy out of anything, why, [glances at Alice] you could even drink out of a prostitutes shoe if you'd like!

Clint : [Eyes shinning] Even straight from the keg?

Austin : [To Harvey] Ms. Tipper is a lady, colonel. [Muses, mutters] Or perhaps you can't tell the difference.

Harvey : [Loudly] Eh? Tell the difference between you and a lady? No, Private, often I cannot!

Tipper : [Huge Smile] Group banter, [emphasis] super! [To Clint] Sir, yes, even from the keg. [To the party in general] Now, between you and me, although the tour is super, most people like to skip to the tasting session at the end, so, unless there are any questions, I suggest we do that.

Alice : [Sticking her hand up like a school child] Me! Me! I've a question! Why are stones all different sizes and colours?

Tipper : Er, questions abouit the tour?

Chastity : [To Tipper] We have already tasted your unique wares. I believe we would like the tour first, so that we can appreciate the product all the more.

Tipper : [Beaming brightly] Super!

[She stands there for a few seconds, staring and smiling at the party.]

Tipper : Come this way!

[TIPPER leads the party into a huge hallway, with two doors off it, and opens the one to the left.]

Tipper : The first attraction on our tour is the shield to protect us from the elves. [Steps back to let the party through.]

Austin : [Smirking, whispers to Alice] It sounds like Chastity has met her before! [Does the crosseyed thing. Composes himself. In a serious tone to Chastity] And did her [emphasises] 'unique wares' taste good?

Chastity : [Glares at Austin for a moment] Shhh! Your interrupting the tour. [To Tipper] Why do you have need a shield to protect from the elves. I didn't think they were an actual threat?

Tipper : [Following the party through] Oh, yes! They are super dangerous! They would love to get their hands on our brandy.

[The group is in a huge room, at least a hundred foot square. One wall is covered by a shimmering blue light that gives off the occasional crackle and fizzle.]

Jerome : Dr. Jerome K. Trindle, BSc, PhD is intrigued at this technology, and would like to know more.

Tipper : Oh, the techies look after that, but it is super efficient. [Picks up a hand stone and throws it at the wall, causing it to ricochet all around the room, sending the party diving for cover.]

Austin : [Looking at the shield] Hmmm, impressive. [To Tipper] What is the source that powers this shield?

Chastity : [aside To Harvey] With this shield in place, I'm surprised we escaped so easily.

Tipper : [To Austin] It's simply super that you are so interested in the shield, but I'm afraid I don't have that kind of information. Let's go onto the next room where our patented empathy machine reads the output from kittens to produce an extra special ingrediant!

Harvey : [To Chastity] Not so, Sister. The shield is between Euphoria and Mermantort - we only escaped out the other door.

Alice : [Hand up and down again] Oh! Oh! I've a question! What happens if someone touches the shield?

Tipper : It drains all their energy, until all that is left is a shallow husk.

Chastity : A bit like a Arch Lich then, I suppose. [quickly] Not that we've seen one, obviously. [Smiles at Tipper] So what about this empathy machine? Kitten extract you say?

Austin : [To Chastity] I never knew that you were interested in kitten extract, Chassers. [Leans closer to Chastity and whispers] This must be powered by the wand.

Tipper : Oh yes, Kitten extract, as well as sugar and spice, and all things super nice. [Opens another door into a corridor, and walks in] Each of these rooms contains an ingredient.

[There are at least twenty rooms here, labelled with things such as "Kittens", "Sugar"and "Spice".]

Alice : [Walking into the corridor] Wow! They've got everything in it. Look - brown paper parcels, tied up with strings, raindrops and roses and whiskers on kittens! Man, this place has everything!

Jerome : [Musing as he too walks along the corridor] Cream coloured ponies and crips apple strudles? Doorbells and sleigh bells and schnitzel with noodles? Dr. Jerome K. Trindle, BSc, PhD believes that there is no small Teutonic influence on this drink.

Chastity : [Admiringly] And look how the decorative curtains are made out of clothing material. Very original. [To Tipper] Did you say that you were going to should us the empathy machine?

Tipper : [Brightly] No.

Austin : [Looks disapointed. To Tipper] What kind of juices do you extract from the kittens.

Tipper : Oh, we don't extract anything physical from them, just their loveliness and cuddliness!

Alice : [To Clint] I guess it's just as well no one's trying to extract anything from you!

Clint : It surely must be pussy juice.

Harvey : Back in Vietnumnum, 69, we were often forced to each as the locals did! The culinary inginuity of the populace never failed to surprise us! Why, they had one food which involved placing a slice of roasted cow between two slices of circular bread, covered with some yellow gunk and topped with a flacid circular green thing! But that's crazy johnny foreigner for you, what!

Tipper : [Still smiles, but is clearly making an effort to do so] Ah, humour, super!

Tipper : [Eyes open slightly wider] Oh-kay! I didn't understand any of that, but I'm sure it was super. Now, let's go look at the vats of brandy.

Chastity : [To Tipper] Please don't say that. You'll only encourage him! Last from Sam #41

Austin : [To Clint] Pussy juice? Surley not, for Chastity has tasted her wares, and reccomended them. [Looks at Chastity] Is there something you are hiding from us.

Alice : [Sigh] What about you Austin? Is there any chance that you're hiding a human being behind that lawyer we're forced to endure?

Harvey : I presume by pussy juice, you all mean an occasional glass of Gato Negro? If so, then I've had more than my fair share, in my younger days of course!

Austin : [To Alice] If it weren't for the fact that we are thousands of miles, and possibly years from home, in a land of topsy-turvey legal entanglements, I would note that as slander. I represent all that is desirable in a human, mankinds highest pinacle of evolution, beauty, grace, elegance, intelligence, wisdom and love [Puts his hand on his heart]

Alice : [Stands beside Austin adopting the same pose] And the ability to lie!

Tipper : Who's thirsty?

Jerome : [To Austin] Incorrect sir! For calculations carried out by Dr Jerome K. Trindle, Bsc Phd has already proven that the highest pinnacle of human evolution is Mr John Cormandy, Number 5 Queens Seat Street, Queens View. He has the exact calculations here somewhere. [Starts patting various pockets]

Clint : [To Tipper] I am! Can we try some of your pussy juice?

Austin : [To Jerome] Cormandy, hey he was the guy that had a third nipple and an unbelieveably big head. [Laughs] He was an unfortunate freak, not a pinacle of evolution, Dr. Trindle.

Alice : [Giving Austin a baleful look] Speaking of unbelievably big heads!

Tipper : [To Clint] Of course you can! The tasting room is just down here. [Starts to walk towards the opposite end of the corridor]

Alice : [Putting her hand up yet again] Oh! Oh! Oh! I've another question. Why are all those people standing outside?

Tipper : Why, simply because they have a super time looking at the castle!

Harvey : What's so special about the castle? I've seen many it's equal, and those times I certainly didn't have to bash my way passed loads of people staring agog!

Tipper : But I'll be none of them had the super Louis XV brandy inside, did they dear? [Opens the door at the end of the corridor]

Alice : [Quietly, to the party] Why do they have a shield protecting them from the elves if the elves claim to not want to have anything to do with them? And if the elves really wanted to come in, why wouldn't they just come in the same way we did?

Harvey : It certainly is a conundrum, dear niece. But if you remember, the Elves left us at the gate to this section of the city. Perhaps there was another shield we didn't notice, preventing their ingress?

Tipper : [Holding open the next door] Behold! Louis XV!

[Inside the room is a huge vat, with several pipes coming off it at ground level, and one large one stretching up into the ceiling.]

Clint : Yeah! Forget about that pussy milk, bring on the brandy!

Tipper : [Smiling warmly at Clint] Super! Just through this next door, and you can drink all you want.

Jerome : Dr Jerome K. Trindle, Bsc Phd presumes, that to the drinking mind, this room takes on a wholly religious importance?

Harvey : [To Clint] Now private, just you wait until the tour is over! Can't have you joining the castle admirers outside!

Alice : [Who's trying to hug the huge vat] You can say that again, Jerome! Hey, this looks a bit more yellowy than the stuff we had before, doesn't it?

[This is true. The brandy consumed in Euphoria was definitely a deeper and richer colour]

Clint : [Examining the brandy] Wait a minute! [To Tipper] Are you trying to fool us?

Harvey : Hold private! Remember, we are guests of the brewery, and should behave accordingly!

Alice : You mean by being obnoxious and aggressive? Go for it, Stinky!

Tipper : Certainly not! What on earth would make me want to do such a super evil thing?

Jerome : Jerome K. Trindle, Bsc Phd assumes, taking into account the rapidity which Clint Scar consumes any alchoholic liquid, the only time he would pay attention to its colouring is when this liquid, having done its job, is passing from his system. Perhaps this is why he finds the colour different?

Chastity : Normally it would only worry him if it was tinged with red though. Even then he'd put it down to consuming beetroot!

Austin : [To Jerome and all] I think you are missing the fundamental point, that is [Pauses for dramatic effect] If Clint's basic and primitve instincts tell him to reject what he previously believed to be the greatest alcholic beverage ever brewed, there must be something deeply and egregiously, nay, fundamentally flawed about this liquor.

Harvey : Not forgetting that whole red paint incident, dear sister!

Clint : The fact remains, I don't want to drink a pint of piss! [To Chastity] Not that I was thinking of drinking a pint of brandy, of course, sister. [Blesses himself mockingly]

Tipper : [Annoyed] Pint of piss? [Smiles again] Oh, super humour, super! I really don't know what you're talking about, though.

Chastity : No, more like a whole vat!

Tipper : Super! That's more like it! Now, let's all go and have a nice drink!

Harvey : Or three, eh! Eh! Eh! [Quietly to the party] No one touch a drop!

Tipper : [To Harvey] Super!

[TIPPER opens yet another door, revealing a table with a bottle and some glasses. The liquid in the glasses is clearly different from the consumed by ALICE, AUSTIN and CLINT previously.]

Tipper : Tuck in!

Harvey : Gah! [Feigns tripping, and will attempt to knock the bottle on the floor]

[HARVEY gracelessly sails through the air, and smashes the bottle to pieces.]

Alice : [To Clint] You know, this is happening a little too often for my liking!

Tipper : Oh no! The bottle is broken. [Opens a cupboard in the wall and takes out another] Super! We've one more!

[The party can clearly see that there are hundreds in the cupboard.]

Harvey : [Dusting himself down] By the saints, how careless of me, my dear! Are you going to join us in a drink?

Tipper : It really would be super if I could, but I can never drink on duty.

Harvey : And who would ever know my dear? We certainly wouldn't tell a soul!

Tipper : Oh, I know! You are all super trustworthy! Unfortunately, once Louis gets hold of you, you're not really fit for work anymore, are you? If I took some, then everyone would know. [Pours out six glasses] Bottoms up!

Clint : [To Tipper] If you insist... [Turns around and farts] [To Chastity] Hey!, she asked me to!

Alice : [Waving her hand in front of her face] That's not what she meant! [Leans in close to Clint and nods at Austin] Just be careful, okay?

Chastity : [Looking at the filled glasses] Unfortunately I have a condition that prevents me from drinking brandy.

Austin : [Looking at the Brandy] It doesn't look like Louis XV at all. It looks poisonous. [Looks at Tipper] What are you tryting to pull here? The elves wouldn't come here if you paid them, so they are not dangerous and therefore the shield is not for keeping them out [Ponders] unless, you are not what you claim to be.

Clint : Yeah! [Pause] [To Dom] What does she claim to be?

Tipper : [Her big smile disappearing] Look, you ungrateful shits! I've played along with this charade long enough - now drink the fucking brandy!

Austin : [To Clint] She claims to be a tour guide, and that she appears to be, but [Pauses for attention gathering] She also claims, albeit by visual implication, to be human, but I believe that she might be a shapeshifter [Austin looks Tipper up and down, pondering. To Tipper] What say you to that, Tipper.

Tipper : I say you'd better drink the brandy before the town guards beat you ten shades of purple!

[TIPPER knocks on a panel on the wall, which slides open. Enter ROCK, SCISSORS and PAPER.]

Paper : [Cracking his knuckles] Excellent! We never really finished with this crowd.

Harvey : [Rolls up his shirt sleeves and assumes the classic boxing stance] We do indeed have some unfinished business, you vile louts!

Austin : [To Harvey] Err, we're not really in any shape for a fight colonel, remeber our little run in with Roy? [Austin backs off behind Clint and anyone else big]

Harvey : Why of course I remember our run in! You lead the ladies out of here while I hold these cads back!

Alice : [Uneasy] Aussie has a point, Harv - only Jerome hasn't had energy drained, and he doesn't know the pointy end of a sword from the, the er, non-pointy end.

Clint : Aw come on! We're not going to give up on a figtht, are we?

Harvey : It will be a short fight, gauging by our strengths and weaknesses at the moment. But give us time to leave the ladies escape!

Alice : The ladies? Myself, Chastity and Austin, is it?

Jerome : Dr. Jerome K. Trindle, BSc, PhD would also like to be included in that list, and suggests that we all vacate this area immediately.

[ROCK, SCISSORS and PAPER draw weapons.]

Rock : Either you drink the brandy, or we attack!

Austin : [Legs it] Run!

Clint : [To the party] Let's leg it!!

Chastity : [To Harvey] Come on, Colonel. Lets le...I mean make a tactical retreat. [Turns and tactical retreats it]

Harvey : Certainly good sister! Come on troop, fall back!

Jerome : Dr Jerome K. Trindle concurs wholeheartedly with this manouever! [Begins moving backwards]

Alice : I've a question. [Looks up at the huge pipe heading up, from which the brandy is flowing down] Where does that pipe come from? And another thing - [notices all the weapons] Let's get out of here!

[The party turn and run, heading towards the corridor with all the ingredient rooms, just as some music starts pumping out of some previously unnoticed speakers.]

Harvey : By the saints, troop! Get out of here now!

Alice : [As the party run down the corridor] But where do we go? Into one of these rooms?

[The party are about halfway down the corridor, with the others starting to follow.]

Jerome : [Jerome attempts to open the closest door to him]

Alice : [Peers into the room that Jerome has just opened] It's a bunch of kittens with whiskers, aw! [Serious] There's no other door out of that room though, and with their underdeveloped claws, they're not likely to be much use to us in a fight!

Chastity : [Rushes to another door and opens it] Maybe we'd be better using the cream coloured ponies! [Looks inside the room] Dash my skim-reading, this is the room of pony coloured cream. [Closes the door and rushes to the cream coloured ponies door] [CHASTITY swings the door open, to reveal seven ponies in the room.]

Alice : Yay! I love riding! [Leaps onto one of the ponies and takes it out the door, only to give her head a nasty smack against the top of the door frame, which takes her off the pony] Ow! Damned, crazed wild animals!

[The pony tamely walks up to CHASTITY, waiting to be mounted.]

Alice : Hey!

Chastity : [Taking the reins of the pony. To the group] Well, these sweet things aren't going to stampede, so we'll just have to ride them. Come on everyone. [Looks at the exit doors to check for size]

Harvey : Well done dear sister, well done! Phili is smiling at you this day! [Mounts a pony]

Jerome : Although Dr Jerome K. Trindle Bsc Phd, much prefers transport of a more mechanical or aviatary nature, he this time realises the benefit of travelling by equine power. [Looks at a pony] The speed of this beast is, Dr Jerome K. Trindle, Bsc Phd estimates, 1hp.

Austin : [Looks worried] Bareback? At this time of day? [Gets on a pony and continues to ride away from the threat] Lets go!

Clint : [Getting on a pony] Why did I have to get the pink one? Damn!

Chastity : [Also mounting up, to Clint] I think your bloodshot eyes are playing tricks on you. All the ponies are cream coloured. [Heads for the exit]

Harvey : Perhaps a drying out time is in order for our private Scar, eh! Heeyaa! [Heads for the exit]

Jerome : [Mounts the pony] Dr Jerome K. Trindle wishes it to be known to her trusty steed to giddy up! But at a steady trot and under no circumstances to leap any stationary objects. A cube of sugar will be just reward if this task is carried out in a correct manner. [Heads for the exit, terrified]

Alice : [Calling after Jerome] Her pony? [To the others] Jerome just said her! [Realises that she's the only one left in the corridor, and that Tipper and company are approaching] Hey! [Leaps on the pony and follows them, calling out] Where exactly are we going?

Clint : [Back to Alice] We're legging it!, on top of pink poneys!

Alice : Yeeha! We're all going to escape!

[Suddenly ALICE's pony stops, and takes a massive dump in the middle of the floor of the shield room.]

Alice : But what next? Out the castle door or what? [Looks back] They're gaining, but it looks like someone careless left the kitten door open, so they are all over the place!

Harvey : The only place I can think of is through the shield, troop!

Alice : But look at what happened when Tipper threw the [repeats herself more loudly to be heard over the sound of her pony's fart] threw the stone! What if it really does drain energy?

Harvey : Well perhaps elves are made of stone? Or the shield drains that nascency fluid running through their veins! There is only one way to see, though it pains me to say it, the ever reliable kitten test!

Austin : [To Alice] We are all at death door as it is, and if you die there will be no resurections. [Nods to Harvey] I think the colonels idea maybe suicide, but better than being slice to death by Paper and his cronies.

Alice : No! Not Mrs. Whiskerson!

[The party can see that ALICE has stolen one of the kittens from the earlier room. ROCK and company are getting closer.]

Tipper : [Somewhat stilted] Oh. No. Stop them from entering the shield. Stop them.

Alice : They're really close! [Puts on a look of determination] Right! Let's go!

Harvey : Well troop, as it was my idea, I shall go first! [Heads his pony towards the shield] Yeehaa!

[HARVEY heads straight towards the shield, but a sudden blur of brown light causes him to stop. When the blur stops, a small fairy, THE BROWN FAIRY, hovers in front of him.]

Fairy : [Blowing Harvey a kiss] I'm the Brown Fairy!

Harvey : By the saints, what fresh madness is this, eh! Move aside so we can escape these louts!

Fairy : [Flying in and giving Harvey a hearty bonk with her wand] For shame! I am only trying to protect you! Turn your ponies around and go back to the main hall, I'll meet you there.

Clint : Turn your ponies ar... Are you mad??!? There's paper scisors stone back there!

Chastity : [To Harvey] Best listen to the young magical imp, Colonel, [smiles] she'll probably have your teeth away if you don't. Treat it as a rallying cavalry charge, if you will. Its the last thing they'll suspect.

Alice : DOn't be so stupid, Stinky, it's Rock, Scissors and Paper!

Fairy : [Rolls her eyes] No, I meant go back to the main entrance hall. [Sigh]

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Alice : You mean where we came into the castle at the start of the tour!

Fairy : [Exasperated] Yes! Quickly! :;; I'm travelling so please use the :;; xda address :;;

Austin : [As he turns towards the entrance hall] Let's go, it's the best offer I've had in ages! [Heads towards the entrance hall]

Chastity : [Following Austin. To Fairy] Come on then, for Phili's sake. Time is of the essence. Talking of essences, do keep up, Clint Scar.

[Just as ROCK and company reach the room, the party ride through them to entrance, where at least ten soldiers are waiting.]

Alice : Hey! I thought the fairy was going to help us!

Harvey : Never trust a fairy, dear niece, they'll stab you as soon as your back is turned! [Shouts at the soldiers] Move aside there, or feel our wrath!

Clint : Feel our wra... Are you mad? We've lost all out abilities! [To the soldiers] Quickly!, they're behind us! Catch them quickly!

[The soldiers all draw their bows, ready to fire, but the fairy appears in front of them and waves her wand, causing a sprinkle of dust and sparkles to appear.]

Alice : Hey! What's she doing?

[Even though the party are approaching them, and are in clear view, none of the soldiers fire.]

Rock : [A fair distance back, and out of breath] Shoot them! Shoot them!

Alice : [To the party] He wants us to shoot the soldiers?

Clint : Don't be silly! We wants the Fairy to shoot us!

Chastity : Stuff and nonsense. Obviously he wants Paper and Scissors to shoot the soldiers! Anyway, make for the exit, while their distracted.

Clint : Let's go then! [Heads for the main exit doors]

Alice : But the soldiers are blocking that!

[CLINT tries to avoid one, but clips him, causing him to shatter into tiny pieces.]

Harvey : Gah! Well done, Private!

Chastity : [Enthusiastically] Smashing! [RIdes towards the door, trying to give a couple of the soldiers a kick as she passes]

Harvey : By the saints, she's definitely a trooper, that sister! After her troop! [Also gives a few kicks as he passes]

Clint : Hey!, kicking is my speciality! [Tries to kick one of the soldiers, but misses him and sends his boot flying] Ok, let's just get out of here!

Alice : That's not how you do it, Stinky! You keep one foot in the stirrup and kick with the other, look!

[ALICE kicks out, only realising too late that she isn't in stirrups*, and falls to the ground, smashing several of the guards, but also crashing through the opposite door.]

Alice : [Halfway in the next room] Hey! Look in here!

Chastity : [Quickly gathering Alice's pony, shaking her head] My dear girl, you should really know by now that you shouldn't put yourself up for inspection without your feet firmly in the stirrups first! [ride's through the door to see what Alice has found]

Alice : Hey, careful with that pony, Chas! [Gets up] Come on, you're all going to want to see this! [Book III, Act VIII, Scene VII. The Dish Room. CLINT, JEROME, AUSTIN, ALICE, CHASTITY and HARVEY are here, standing at the doorway. CHASTITY, ALICE and JEROME have gone through the door, while the others are smashing the soldiers.]

Alice : What is it?

[Inside the room is a huge dish, similar to that of a satellite dish, which is almost a hundred feet across. It is connected to some obscenely complicated looking machine which has a pipe running off it into the next room.]

Jerome : Uncertain, but whatever it is, it is piping into the next room. [Points at the door] And furthermore, all those people standing outside in their zombie like state were outside that very wall! [Points at the wall nearest the dish.]

Chastity : [Looking at the dish] Best not get in the front of that, just in case. I wonder what the machine is piping to? [Goes over to have a listen at the far door]

[The entire party move towards the far door, and can hear the occasional scream coming from it.]

Alice : You know, this part of the castle doesn't seem nearly as nice as the other one!

Chastity : [Quickly looking round the room walls. To Alice] Yes, it's always a lot more comfortable when you're surrounded by a few of your favourite things.

Austin : [Sneering at Chastity] You mean screaming people aren't amongst your favourite things? [To Jerome] Trindle, what is that machine?

Jerome : Dr. Jerome K. Trindle, BSc, PhD cannot say for certainty without an indepth examination of the internal structure of the machine, or, at the very least, a quick glance at its user manual, but, very briefly, it is reasonable to assume it is some sort of receiver, taking in something from beyond the wall, [points at it] A, using the concave section, B. This focuses some type of energey on the central point of the receiver, where the machinery, C, is attached. While the actual mechanics and nature of the machine are hidden by it's solid casing, D, one suspects that it is acting either as a filter or an amplification device, sending out a signal through the solid pipe E, into an unknown structure, F. Thus, A is captured by B, sent to C, processed by D, conveyed by E and delivered to F. Unless, of course, the entire apparatus works the other way around, and the concave device is some kind of transmitter.

Harvey : Amazing! Amazing how a man of science can simplify something so well!

Alice : [Shaking herself as she wakes up, and giving Jerome a baleful look] Yes, it's just as well we didn't get the long version.

Clint : [Holding his head, and then pretending to wake up] What? Jerry's explanation is finished already? [Points at the oposite door] I suppose the door holds the explanation. Lawyer, do you care to open it or shall I... [points at his foot, only to realise that his boot is missing] Hey!

Alice : What are you going to do, Clint? Stink it down?

Chastity : [Grimacing] Or maybe pick the lock with your uncut toe-nails.

Austin : [Checks to see if the door is locked, and tries to pick it if it is, whilst grimacing at Clints toenails] Yuck! [Turns back tot he lock]

Alice : [To Chastity] Or even your sharp tongue! [Leans in near Austin] Are you sure you're going to be able to pick the lock, Aussie? You know, seeing as we all had our skills drained by Roy?

Austin : [To Alice, suprised] You appear to have gained one of my skills, and I have no idea if I'll be able to pick this lock, but it is worth a try.

Alice : I've gained one of your skills? [Makes a face] Well, I hope it's one of the nicer ones!

Austin : [To Alice] No it's probably my worst. [Continues fiddling with the lock despite Alice distracting and disuading him]

Alice : [Taps him on the shoulder] But which one is the worst? There are [huge emphasis] so many to choose from!

Austin : [To Alice] My most unplesant power, one that I had not told any of you of, was my ability to make others doubt themselves, their abilities, motives, plans etc. Just as you are doing to me now, somewhat less sucessfully than I was capable of, thankfully. [Continues picking the lock, nonchalantly] I used it sucessfully against Pestillence, amongst others.

Clint : It's a pity he didn't loose his sharp thong... [Taps Austin in his shoulder] Do you need any help? [Points at his long toe nails]

Alice : [Taken aback at Austin] I was only trying to help! [Steps back, sulking, with her arms folded] Stop distracting him, Clint! [Taps Austin on the shoulder] See? I just stopped Clint from distracting you!

Austin : [Continues to pick the lock. To Alice, in a very whispery voice] Thank you Alice, you are most benevolent.

Chastity : [Glances towards the entry door] By Phili, those kittens and guard shards must really holding up the Rock and the others. [To Austin] Are you sure it's even locked? [Tries the door handle] you Alice, you are most benevolent.

Austin : [Opens the door just as Chastity tries the handle] Voila!

Chastity : Are you sure you did that? [Takes a peep inside the door]

Austin : [To Chastity] Did you see anyone else picking the lock? Removing the poison dart? [Sighs] I'm certainly not as fast as I used to be, [smirks] but I don't have any invisible helpers Chassers. Although Alice was very encouraging.

Alice : [Proudly] Thanks, Aussie! [Gives Chastity a reproachful look] Honestly, Chastity, suggesting that Austin was only pretending to have unlocked the door! [Shakes her head sadly]

[The door opens into an almost identical corridor to that on the other side of the castle, with several doors on either side, and another at the end.]

Alice : I wonder what's behind these doors, more nice things?

[A pained scream from behind one suggests otherwise.]

Austin : [Opens the nearest door] Shall we take a look. Austin : [Opens the nearest door] Shall we take a look.

[There is a hooded figure here, with his hands tied behind his back, being savaged by a tiger. The tiger turns and growls at AUSTIN.]

Alice : Hey! Whatever drink they're making here must be really awful!

Harvey : Indeed so, dear niece! Indeed so! Perhaps if someone has a rather large ball of wool, we would be able to distract the tiger long enough to rescue that man!

Alice : Good idea, Harvey. Of course, now that the tiger has heard us talking, he seems pretty distracted! [Points the tiger, who is now looking at the party]

Chastity : All things considered, I think we should shut the door and look in another.

Alice : Why? So we can find something more dangerous?

Clint : No, because on one of these doors we'll surely find the real Louis XV!

Alice : [Excitedly opening the next door so fast that it hits her in the face] Ow!

[Behind that door are five people. They are all chained up and in rags, and look extremely undernourished.]

Harvey : Gah! What the hell is going on here? [Looks back] They're gaining on us!

Austin : [Closes the tiger's door and opens the next door along from Alice, panicking] Shit, somebody do something!

[AUSTIN's door reveals several people hanging by the neck, still alive, and whimpering in pain.]

Alice : Maybe we should go through the door at the end - if it is laid out like the other part of the castle, there should be a big room there.

Chastity : Let's go. We can't help these poor souls at the moment. We have to evade capture ourselves if we are to help them in the future. [Heads off down to the end door]

Austin : [Grimaces at the hanging people] Oh my! [Tries to cut the ropes and get the people down] I quite like a few ropes and a little pain, but this is a bit much. [Puts on some leather gloves before touching the ropes]

Harvey : Hold on, Private. [Grabs Austin by the shoulder] The Sister is right - they are too close, and we are too weak to fight them. [Turns to Chastity at the door] Let me help you Sister, that door looks much larger than the others.

[This is true, but HARVEY and CHASTITY slowly push it open. As soon as it is open, the party are almost overwhelmed by the unmistakable aroma of Louis XV.]

Alice : Let me see! Let me see!

[The pipe from the previous room looks as though it continues in here, and is pouring a thick green liquid into a huge glass vat, that must be at least a hundred metres in radius. The liquid in the vat looks and smells like Louis XV. There is another pipe, on the far side of the vat, which seems to be sucking the brandy up. It disappears into the ceiling.]

Tipper : [Calling from the end of the corridor] Get them!

Chastity : The only reasonable escape route seems to be up that ladder and across the vat! [Heads to the ladder to start to climb]

Clint : Going up the Louis XV vat. I like that! [Follows Chastity]

Austin : [Quickly looks around for a 'release valve' that might flood the building and corridor, and opens it if there is one, then climbs the ladder after Clint, but pause because of the smell (of Clint), cough!] You really should take a bath sometime CLint.

Harvey : Stop your whining, Private Sleaze! It can't be that bad.

Alice : But he's got his shoe off, Uncle, [sounding a little hysterical] his shoe!

[ALICE, JEROME and HARVEY, in that order climb up the ladder, and on to the walkway, which extends across the vat. It is dimly lit in the room, with the only light being the natural hue of the brandy, so it is not possible to see the other side.]

Chastity : [Peers through the gloom holding her hand out and muttering an incantation]

[To CHASTITY's obvious dismay, nothing happens.]

Harvey : Damn that Roy!

[As the party move along the walkway, they can see that there are people at the other end. TIPPER appears at the end the party started from.]

Tipper : You're surrounded. Surrender.

Chastity : [Continues along the walkway slowly trying to see who's at the other end] Who's that down there?

Ralph : [Hidden from view, but clearly standing with a number of people] I am Ralph Walton, I run Mermantort. You really should listen to Tipper.

Tipper : Should we shoot them, Mr. Walton?

Ralph : You'd better not, we don't want any contaminents getting in, do we?

Chastity : Especially considering the powerful contaminant we have in our hands [pauses] or at least Clint's feet. [To Ralph] We've been trying to talk to you ever since our arrival about the imminent danger Mermantort is in, but obviously you have you own evil plot hatching around us. Conor

Austin : [Smiling in the darkness, slips some revs into the vat. Whispers] oops.

[There is an audible gasp from either end of the walkway.]

Ralph : What? What the hell did he just drop in? Kill them!

[The party can hear the sound of people cocking their bows.]

Clint : Wowa, take it easy boys, I'm sure it was just an accident! Besides, if you kill us, there'll be a lot more contamination going onto the vat!

Ralph : We've had worse. [Calls across to the others] Fire a warning round.

[The party are mown down by a hail of arrows, with everyone getting hit several times.]

Ralph : Ready to surrender?

Alice : [To the others] If we surrender they'll surely expect us to drink that other stuff!

Chastity : [To Alice] I don't see we have any alternative, dear. Phli knows what would happen if we decided to try a swim our way through a vat of Brandy laced with revs. I told you we should have listened to Seigfried!

Clint : [Looking around] You don't seem to be really hurt, Jerry, so you talk some sense to them!

Austin : [Whispering to Clint] We could just jump in, what a way to go, we might even escape, they would have a job catching us in there. [Eyes up the Louis XV]

Jerome : A good idea indeed, Mr. Scar, it is highly unlikely that they will not listen to reason. [Stands up from where everyone is crouched together on the walkway] Mr. Walton. I, Dr. Jerome K. Trindle, BSc, PhD would like to speak on behalf of the party. You seem like a reasonable man, however -

[JEROME is cut short by a hail of arrows, that send him sprawling onto the railing.]

Jerome : Oh no, not again! [Dies]

[A purple mist starts to rise from JEROME's body, similar to those seen before, but he falls into the vat before it gets anywhere near ALICE. Both JEROME and mist disappear.]

Harvey : Gah! What kind of rot are you talking about, Sleaze. It is clearly better for us to -

Alice : [Interrupting] That's a great idea, Aussie! Look at the effect it had on us when we drank it, it's only right to take a leap into it. [Takes Austin's hand, and reaches for Clint] Come on, let's all jump - Chas, maybe you should be on the outside of the chain.*

Chastity : Fortunately I'm already at the front. Just make sure we turn to jump to the right!* Oh and please remember no bombing, no petting and no urinating. Especially you Clint! [hesitantly takes hold of Clint's hand]

Harvey : [Looks at Austin] Well Private? [Holds out his hand]

Alice : Come on, hurry up! We've got to get down after Jerome!

Chastity : [To Clint] Come on, grab Alice. [Looks worriedly down into the vat] Twice in one day. I'll have to get myself away to church rehab.

Clint : Just to clarify, we're only doing this because of Jerry; not that any of us would want to jump onto a vat full of Louis XV spoiled by revs [quick glance at Austin]

Alice : [Sounding very stilted] Yes, that's right, Clint. Those filthy drugs have nothing to do with it.

[HARVEY and AUSTIN join hands, and all five leap over the edge of the walkway, and descend into the brandy under a hail of arrows.]

Tipper : [Running onto the bridge] Super! We killed them all!

Ralph : [Walking on] No, you dumb bitch, they got away.

Tipper : [Looks over the edge of the walkway] But where are they? They have surely sank?

Ralph : [Dramatically] There's a storm coming!

[Book III, Act VIII, Scene VIII. The Gingerbread Cottage. CLINT, AUSTIN, ALICE, CHASTITY and HARVEY are here, each asleep in a small bed with their name on it. The cottage is beautifully decorated, and seems to be entirely of gingerbread and other, various sweet foodstuffs, while most of the furniture is wooden.]

Alice : [Sitting up from bed, and looking as though she is dressed as little red riding hood. She is no longer pregnant] Wow! That felt really strange! [Looks around] Hey, where are we?

[Everyone is now awake, but still lying down. HARVEY immediately sits up.]

Harvey : I say! I feel wonderful! [Looks around at the others, beaming]

[HARVEY, or rather, the person who sounds like HARVEY, is about thirty five years old, and in superb physical condition, with rippling muscles and a fine tan. He is dressed in comfortable looking clothes.]

Chastity : [Sits up, rubs her eyes and runs her hands through her hair, before abruptly stopping and looking at her hands] By Phili, I'm definitely in better shape than before. [Gets up and looks in a convenient mirror at her youthful 20 year old looks and stunningly curvaceous figure. Impressed] By Phili, I'm [emphasises] definitely in better shape than before. [To Alice] And we seem to have the same seamstress.

Clint : [Waking up and streching so hard he knocks down one of the bedside tables] Ah, I feel like a new man! [Takes a look at himself] By Phili, I am a new man! Could it be? [Puts his hand under his underwear, and suddenly smiles] Yay!

Austin : [Looks at his new self, and then Maplin, smiles and then cuddles up with Maplin and goes back to sleep] Hmmm.

Chastity : [Looking at the make-up of the cottage] I must say this is a very peculiar building, although it must be murder keeping the crumbs off the floor. [Goes and looks out a window, if there is one]

Alice : Maybe the problem, Chastity, is keeping the floor off the crumbs?

[Everyone looks somewhat different, but most especially HARVEY and CHASTITY who now look younger. CLINT looks slightly younger too, while AUSTIN is now covered in rippling muscles. The men are wearing plain, comfortable clothes, while CHASTITY is dressed as Snow White, and ALICE as Little Red Riding Hood.]

Harvey : This is a rum position, and no mistake! [Breaks a piece of wall off and eats it] Mmm! Chocolately!

[Outside the window is a lush forest, with all sorts of deer, butterflies and birds dotted around.]

Austin : [Looks around] Wow, [Checks Maplin, looks around again and sees himself in a mirror, all muscles and long blond wavy hair] The good doctor seems to have left us again [Checks his nails] I do quite like this place, but I havea nasty feeling that it may just be a dream, perhaps induced by the Louis XV and the transmitter dish we saw. [Eyes himself in the mirror smiling] On the other hand, we could be dead and in some kind of revLouis induced hallucination.

Alice : I hope Jerome is okay - he was dead when he fell in, so who knows what happened!

Harvey : Indeed niece, but [munches on his piece of wall] we must also find out what we are doing here.

Alice : Good point, Harvey. [Seems to notice Harvey's appearance for the first time] Er, very good point. [Mops her brow with a red silken handkerchief she finds beneath her cape]

Harvey : [Munches happily on his slice of wall, and in a Harvey whisper to Alice] I say dear niece, is it my imagination, or is our good sister looking a little more, how should I say, less sisterly, this morning?

Alice : She is, [nods] she is looking a little more less sisterly this morning! And Austin is looking a lot less Austiney, and you are looking lot less Harveyery, and Clint, well Clint even smells less Clinty!

Harvey : Be that as it may, niece, we have to figure out what we're doing here.

Alice : [Picks up a basket, which is on top of a table made out of crisps] This looks like the only thing that could contain a clue. [Opens the basket, revealing it to contain some pies.]

Austin : [Checks his packet, frowns] Oh well, mostly an improvement. [Gets up and looks out of the window.

Alice : [Looking unnaturally sweet and innocent in her outfit] You mean you've actually got some now?

[Outside the window is a path leading from the house into a lush forest. There only appears to be one way to go.]

Austin : [To Alice] Muscles aren't everything. [Looks Alice once over] Amazing what a little drink can do.

Harvey : [Picking up a hefty axe from the kitchen table] Indeed, Private, amazing! Now troop, it looks like we have little choice but to lead ourselves up the garden path!

Austin : [To Harvey] Good idea colonel, lets go. [Austin opens the front door and steps out, flexing his tanned muscles in the sunshine]

Alice : [Stepping out too, holding the basket] I wonder where this leads to.

[The party walk for a few minutes, before spotting a house off in the distance. Enter RALPH WALTON, dressed in a wolf suit, but with his face visible.]

Ralph : [In a friendly voice] Hello.

Austin : [Sarcastically to Raplh] We're off to see grandma, to take her some pies. [Stares at Ralph waiting for some reaction]

Ralph : [Jovially] Some pies, eh? Can I have one?

Austin : [To Ralph] I said they were for Grandma. Why are you dressed up in a wolf suit? What is this place? [Looks around] Somekind of dream prison? [Austin catches a look at Alice again. Muses] Perhaps prison is quit the right word.

Clint : [To Ralph] We'll give you a pie if you tell us where we are. [To Chastity] Gotta be harsh with them! [Pinches her bum]

Chastity : Unhand me, Mister Scar! [Slaps Clint across the face]

Ralph : [To Austin] Why, because I am a wolf. [Bares his teeth and holds his hands up] Grrr. [Returns to normal] Oh well, I guess I'll see you later.

[Exit RALPH, disappearing into the undergrowth.]

Austin : [Looks disgusted at Clint pinching Chastity's bum. To Clint] Have you no self respect? It's still Chassers in there, it's just the booze fooling you! [Looks Clint in the eyes] Just think about it, tommorrow morning you wake up with a brutal hangover, beside a fat hairy old nun! [To Chastity] No offense intended of course.

Chastity : How dare you, Mister Sleaze! Clint may wake up with a hangover, and I may wake up, well, with a slightly different figure, but when you wake up, you will still be Austin Sleaze! Last from Conor #23

Austin : [To Chastity] I hope so. [Looks at his new figure. To Chastity] I was merely trying to persuade Mr. Scar not to manhandle you, no offense was intended, as I said. [Casually walks down the path a little]

Chastity : How? By putting your body between him and me? By touching me up?

Alice : Er, wasn't it Clint who touched you up?

Chastity : Maybe it was! I'm just confused from all the negative energey I'm getting from Austin.

Clint : So you actually enjoyed our private moment, Chassers? [Click-click!]

Harvey : That's more than enough of that, private Scar! I say, I wonder what we are doing here? Is this what being drunk on Louis XV is always like, private Scar?

Alice : [Dismayed] Hey! When was he drunk on it? [Normal demeanour] The time we drank it, it just made us feel really happy and in touch with each other.

Chastity : It should be illegal! We can't have drinks like that floating around. [Stretches the fingers on her left hand]

[Time passes as the birds tweet, the butterflies flutter by and the sweet smell of wild flowers wafts through the air]

Chastity : [Breathing the perfume deeply] The only spirit make us feel really happy and in touch with each other should be the spirit of Phili. [To Clint] That's [emphasises] IN touch with each other.

Austin : [To Chastity] So, are you saying that Phili did not create Louis XV?

Chastity : Man manufactured Louis XV in association with evil. That is why we have had so much trouble every time we come into contact with it in any form. Not everything that exists is specifically created by Phili.

Austin : [Looks over Chastity once, then turns back to the path] That much was obvious.

Alice : When we, Aussie, Stinky and me, drank it, nothing evil happened. I think we were pretty well in touch with each other.

Harvey : In touch is not the problem, dear niece, but touching!

[The party move on a bit more, and come to another cottage, which is just off the path, which continues into the distance. This cottage appears to be made of stone, and the chimney suggests that a fire is going.]

Chastity : We may as well have a look here, despite my reservations. We are obviously caught up in some children's stories illusion, but so far there hasn't been any appearance of the gnarled old witch.

Alice : But what about -

Harvey : [Quickly interrupting] Yes, yes! Good point, Sister. If not a witch, then probably something similarly odious lies in wait for us. I seem to remember one story that involved a young girl in a red, cloak bringing apple pies to someone, or was that a young girl in a red light, offering something to someone? Hm.

Chastity : Well, I suppose we'd best find out anyway. [Sneaks up to the cottage to try and get a peep inside through a window]

[The party all crowd around CHASTITY to look in. There is a large bed in the cottage, with someone inside it. It is not possible to see who they are, as they are wearing a large nightdress and big sleeping cap.]

Alice : You know, I've suddenly got an overwhelming urge to give these apple pies to that person! [Waves her basket around]

Harvey : [Trying to snatch a pie] And I've got an overwhelming urge to give one of those apple pies to this person!

Chastity : [Gently slapping Harvey's wrist] No, Colonel. Its not right to covet thy nieces pie! [To Alice] Why don't you go in first, we'll back you up.

Austin : [Chuckles] Thy shalt not covet thy nieces pie, Chassers, is that the 11th commandment?

Chastity : Not that you'd know, as you obviously stopped reading the list before it mentions "thy shalt not steal".

Austin : [To Chastity] Hmm, a very non-specific commandment which has been clearly demonstrated by the clergy, at lenght, and indeed sustained over a extsive period of time, sic ad nauseam, to be completely open to interpretation as and when the clergy sees fit. [Looks at Chastity] Veritas odium parit.

Chastity : The church does not steal, it merely reclaims the wealth of Phili's gifts from those undeserving. [Glances at the figure in the bed] Anyway, this is no time for me to be putting straight your misinterpretations of the church. We've a sleeping person to sneak up on!

Austin : [To Chastity] That's what I said. All I needed was a funny hat or a dog collar and it would have been no trouble at all. [Peers at Grandma, then goes to the door an knocks] Hi Grandma, it's me, Austin, can I come in please? [Notices his great pectorals and wiggles them a bit, then pinches his own nipples] This is one weird trip. [Smiles at his own lovelyness, Sigh!]

Alice : [Squeezing in through the door at the same time as Austin] Ow! Hi, er, Grandma, I've got some lovely apple pies for you.

[GRANDMA looks up, revealing it to be RALPH WALTON, still wearing the wolf suit, just now dressed up in sleeping clothes too.]

Ralph : [Putting on a grandmother's voice that isn't going to fool anyone] Hello dear.

Alice : My, what a big nose you have!

Ralph : All the better to smell your lovely pies, my dear.

Alice : My, what big eyes you have!

Ralph : All the better to see your lovely face, my dear.

Alice : [Moving closer] My, what a big - oh! [Puts her hand to her mouth in shock, and blushes at the tent like protrusion in the bed.]

Ralph : Click-click!

Austin : [To Alice] Have just had a rather plesant notion that this is not quite the same innnocent version of 'Little red ridinghood' that we all remember.

Ralph : Oh, I'm sure it's quite different. Look what I've got for you. [Throws back the sheets, to Alice's obvious dismay]

[It is now clear that the protrustion in bed was caused by a bottle. It looks similar to the Louis XV, but is somehow more streamlined. Similarly, the liquid, while clearly another brandy seems to shine even more brightly than Louis XV.]

Ralph : Consider it a present. Louis XVI brandy. It's still in its prototype phase, but, I can assure you, it is magnificent.

Chastity : [Momentarily silenced in horror. To Harvey] I think this calls for your special bottle handling skills, Colonel.

Alice : Hang on a second, Chastity, let's all just calm down. [Stands protectively between the bottle and Harvey]

Harvey : I think so, Sister. [To Ralph] Why on earth would we want to consume some of your vile poison.

Ralph : Firstly, it's not vile, it's the most beautiful thing you've ever tasted. Secondly, it's not poison, it will bring youth and beauty to all of you, and thirdly, if you drink it, I will give you the wand, and let you back into Euphoria.

Alice : Hey! I'm already young and beautiful!

Ralph : Ah yes, but it also makes you intelligent.

Alice : Oh, fair enough. [Thinks for a second] Hey!

Austin : [Clearly looking disapointed] Dam, I thought this was going to be an orgy. [To Ralph] Where is Grandma? [Has a search around the cottage]

Chastity : [To Ralph] And you expect us to just blindly drink this liquid your offering us? What sort of fools do you take us for? [Nervously looks round the group. Aside to Harvey] I fear my argument may stand on shaky foundations.

Austin : [Still searching around the cottage. Comments] It does look a bit like Louis XV mixed with unrine.

Ralph : Not at all! [Opens the bottle, allowing everyone to smell the wonderful aroma, before taking a healthy drink of it] Mm-mm!

Alice : [Standing beside Chastity, adopting a similar pose] Yeah, what kind of fools do you take us for?

[AUSTIN's search leads him to a large wardrobe. When he opens the top of it, the BROWN FAIRY is there, bound and gagged. She is now the size of a normal human.]

Austin : [Chuckles gleefully] Oh my, the girl of my [Pauses momentarily] dreams all tied up! [Kisses the Fairy on the cheeck and quickly unties the Brown Fairy, smiling, with skillful hand manovering, gag comes off last]

Chastity : [To Alice] Trust Austin to find the fairy. [To Ralph] What have you done to this poor creature, you animal. [Goes over to help Austin with the fairy, losing her gag first]

Fairy : [As the two untie her] Oh, thank you! This awful wolf burst in, and tied me up!

Ralph : [Makes a big production of yawning] Look, it's quite simple. I can give you youth, beauty and freedom, she can give you nothing. [Shakes the bottle at the party enticingly] What do you say?

Clint : I say that a man who keeps a fairy tied up in his cupboard probably has more in common with the lawyer than the rest of us, so I'll let him do the talking.

Austin : [Looks at Clint] Arwe you infering that I am some kind of shapeshifter? Why don't we just kill him? [Looks at Ralph] All I can say is that he obviously needs us, or can't kill us, otherwise we would already be dead, which of course, is a possibility that must be entertained.

Harvey : That's a good point, private Sleaze, but I suspect that this is some dreamworld, brought about by whatever was in those vats, and killing this louse will have little, or not effect. [To the Brown Fairy] Can you explain what's going on here, my dear?

Fairy : I was in my bed, waiting for someone to call, when he broke in, and tied me up in the wardrobe. [Pause] But not before taking off my clothes!

Alice : How come you're wearing clothes now?

Fairy : Because I was in the wardrobe.

Ralph : [To Harvey] Correct sir, you are in a dream. You can either stay here with her, or take a little sip of my brandy, and I'll let you all out of Mermantort. Or, if you prefer, you can stay.

Chastity : Well it has been reported that in some cases, a certain hook or method is required to enable the dreamer to break out of the dream sequence. Especially, when the dream is very realistic. [Glances round the group] Although that may not be the case here. [Waves her arms around, towards the world at general] We have to get out of this hallucination somehow. This entire scenario is obviously the product of a mind drowning in the residues of drugs and alcohol! It can't be healthy.

Austin : [To Harvey] The only problem is, we can't trust him. We might not be in a dream, and he could just be tricking us into drinking the poison Louis XVI. [Muses and struts slowly. To Harvey] I suggest that if this were a dream, Ralph would have nothing to gain from us drinking the poison. Mybe we are in some sort of trance, or hypnotised, and our actions are actually real, whilst what we see is mostly a hypnogogically induced hallucination.

Ralph : [Takes a drink of brandy himself] Ah! That's good brandy!

[As he takes a drink, the FAIRY flinches.]

Alice : Maybe if someone pinched one of us, we could wake up.

[CLINT leans over and pinches ALICE on the ass.]

Alice : Hey! [Calms down] Well, nothing seems to have changed.

Austin : [To Fairy] What will that brandy do to us?

Fairy : It will increase your strength a hundred fold, your intelligence ten fold and your beauty two-fold. I beg you, don't drink that terrible stuff.

Alice : [Confused] Yeah. It sure sounds nasty.

Austin : [To Fairy, arms folded in a 'so now you are messing us around' way] Those are all good reasons to drink it, why do you think we shouldn't drink it.

Clint : [Picking up the bottle] Looks nice from the outside anyway. [Opens the bottle and smells the liquid]

Fairy : Because of what goes into it, the ingredients are pure evil. Even my drink, Louis XV has been tainted by this wolf and his foreigners. Every day I get weaker and weaker, and -

[The FAIRY breaks off as CLINT opens the bottle. The aroma is fantastic, and everyone feels slightly intoxicated already. With the top off, CLINT can make out the wonderful golden brown texture of the drink. Incredibly, it is even more beautiful than Louis XV.]

Ralph : Blah blah blah blah! [To the party] Now, by her own admission, this drink will make you better people. Now, come on, let's go for it!

Chastity : [To Ralph] No! Drink will never make someone a better person. Also, by the good fairy's tongue, th eingredients are pure evil!

Ralph : Drink will never make someone better? I bet the last man you slept with wouldn't agree with that! Now look, you're starting to annoy me. Just drink it, or stay here.

Alice : Can we discuss it?

Ralph : [Exasperated sigh] Go on.

[The party form a huddle, in the order CHASTITY, HARVEY, AUSTIN, ALICE, CLINT.]

Alice : Hey! Don't stand so close, Stinky! [To the group] You know, he's probably the first person we've met in weeks who hasn't either tried to insult us or kill us, and, given that he was trying to kill us before we jumped into the brandy, it seems to me that - hm. I forgot what I was going to say.

[Time passes.]

Ralph : Okay, so now I'm bored. I think I'm going to have to eat the fairy.

Clint : [Beaking out from the huddle] Eat the fairy? Wait a second! [Gets back in the huddle] Well brainy guys, you better give me a good reason not to drink that brandy!

Chastity : Well I hate to say it, but I've no ideas on how to break out of this sequence. Unless [Turns to the fairy] How do you plan to get out of this dream?

Fairy : I don't know - I suppose being eaten is one way.

[RALPH makes a slurping sound, and takes out a knife and fork.]

Alice : Okay, if this is like a fairy tale, why don't we just finish it the same way the original did. Who knows a lot about fairy tales? Austin?

Clint : Let's just all wake up now. [Closes his eyes for a moment, trying to concentrate] Nah, doesn't work. Let's try a more tradicional method. [Pinches both Alice and Chastity in their behinds] Wake up!

Chastity : [Gives Clint a good slap in the face] Wake up yourself! Keep you hands to themselves!

Alice : Hey! Will you stop doing that?

Harvey : [As Ralph approaches the fairy] Well, I do have this axe, that I picked up in the gingerbread house. Unfortunately, it's not made out of anything sweet. [Holds up the axe so the others can see the bitemarks in the handle.]

Clint : [With an innocent look on his face] But I was just trying to help!

Alice : Oh yeah? [Takes out one of her apple pies, and pushes it onto Clint's face, leaving him a mess of apple and pastry] What? I was only trying to help!

Ralph : [Catches the fairy by one of her legs] Mm-mm!

Fairy : Help!

Austin : [Feeling a bit more muscley than usual] Go on CLint, punch him!

Chastity : [Grabs one of Alice's apple pies. To Ralph] Stop scaring that fairy with your tatty chopper. [Flings an apple pie at Ralph's face]

Ralph : You'll have to do better than that! [Ducks down, so the Fairy takes the full brunt of the pie]

Fairy : Ow!

Alice : Come on, stop him!

Austin : [Looks distraught and punches Ralph] Leave her alone!

[AUSTIN swings at RALPH and hits him, but RALPH retaliates, and bites AUSTIN.]

Harvey : [Looking at Clint] Gah! We've been shamed into action by Private Sleaze! [Swings his axe, and hits Ralph with it, knocking him to the ground, badly injured]

Clint : [Picking up the Fairy by a leg and an arm] Don't worry, I'll save you!

Chastity : [Takes the patchwork bedspread off the bed and turns to towards Ralph, pausing, distracted by the material] Hmmm, what a lovely piece of needlework. [Looks up at the commotion] Oh, yes. [Tries to throw the blanket over Ralph to entangle him]

Ralph : [Knocks the blanket away, and gives a huge roar, showing that he has enormous sharp teeth] I'm going to kill you!

Harvey : I think not, sir! [Swings the axe, and cuts Ralph's head off]

[The head bounces off a wall and rebounds into ALICE's basket.]

Alice : Hey!

Chastity : [Looking into Alice's basket with disgust. To Alice] Eurgh! After Ralph's slobbering head, no-ones going to want to munch on your pie now, my dear.

Alice : [Makes to say something, but thinks better of it, and instead gives Chastity a very dubious look] Hm.

Harvey : [To the Fairy] What happens now?

Fairy : You try not to drown.

Clint : Drown? You're not gonna cry, are you?

Fairy : [Smiles at Clint] You really have no idea who I am, do you?

Clint : No, but I didn't like the tone of your voice, especially right after we just saved you from being eaten alive. [To all] This doesn't sound right. Better keep that axe handy, Harvey!

Alice : [Indignant] Hey! What's wrong with you, Stinky? Why are you threatening her? She's a good fairy, everyone knows that! [Looks unsure for a second, and turns to the fairy] You are good, right?

Fairy : Right.

Alice : [To Clint] See?

Fairy : [Flies around the room, buzzing Clint] Now, now, Stinky. There's no need to be like that, not after what I've just done for you. I was just trying to give you a warning about what's going to happen next.

Clint : [Shaking the fairy away, moody] I don't like flying fairies.

Harvey : Now now, private Scar, there's no need to be rude to the little brown dear! [To the fairy] But tell me my miniscule dear, why should we be worried about drowning? [Clicks his fingers] Do you possibly mean we are still inside those vats?

Clint : But of course! You are a genius, Harv! Everyone, hold your breath!

Fairy : Well done, Harvey.

[There is a flash of smoke, that engulfs everyone.]

[Book III, Act VIII, Scene X. In the Brandy Vat. CLINT, AUSTIN, ALICE, CHASTITY and HARVEY are here, as though they've just appeared, struggling for breath. Everyone starts swimming to the top, and break the surface. The surface of the brandy is about a foot below the top of the vat, which is not covered.]

Alice : Phew! Thank Phili we survived that, I wonder what'll happen now that Ralph is dead.

[There is a hail of arrows breaking the surface of the water, being fired from the walkway. RALPH, TIPPER, ROCK, SCISSORS, PAPER and several others are there.]

Ralph : Kill them!

Chastity : [Treading brandy, whilst clearing her hair from her face] Oh, well, back to reality. [Realises suddenly that she's swimming with 2 hands] Hey. [Slips under the surface again as she stops swimming in surprise, only to reappear a second later] I must say, I feel tickety-boo after all that. It must be true, a change is as good as a rest, and, by Phili, did I need a rest.

Alice : It would be a real change if you had three hands, wouldn't it?

[Arrows zip around the party, in "Saving Private Ryan" style, zinging off previously unseen metal objects.]

Harvey : Swim for the side! Swim for the side!

Austin : [Already swimming for the side in a panic. To Ralph] You'll never catch us! You might as well give up now, have a drink! Take it easy!

Clint : [With a big smile on his lips, shouting] I've got the missing... [Realises where he is] Oh. Hey! Let's kick some ass!

Rock : Yeah, he's probably right.

Scissors : I think so, let's just go home.

Ralph : Hey! What the hell do you think you're doing?

[HARVEY reaches the edge of the vat, and leaps over with surprising ease.]

Alice : [Gives Clint a curious look, before accidently swallowing a huge mouthful of brandy, causing her to cough and splutter] Cough! Hm, I'm drowning, but I like it! [Swims to the edge]

[Several of the arrows have hit the party, but, incredibly, all seem to have just grazed them.]

Chastity : [Swims to the side of the vat, and quickly gets out. Glancing back at the brandy vat] Anyone got a light?

Alice : I think I mi- hey! [Looks at the brandy vat] Even if I did, I wouldn't give it to you!

[RALPH and company are at the far edge of the vat now, about to go down the ladder.]

Chastity : I wonder if my how my blessings are [Mumbles an incantation]

Clint : [Jumping over the edge of the vat] Don't even think about it, Chasseeee... aaaaaah! [Jumps over the edge]

Alice : [Easily leaps over the side too, so now everyone is over] Wow! I feel fantastic! [Takes her sword and out swipes it around at an incredibly fast pace] That brandy just gets better and better!

[RALPH falls to the ground, and screams in agony.]

Ralph : Agh! I think my leg is broken! [Calls out to someone behind but out of sight of the party] Roy! Get them!

Chastity : [Looks round the group] Although I feel the power of Phili flowing through me, do we have a weapon to combat Roy with?

Alice : Are you sure we need a special one? Maybe we could just chop him into pieces with these? [Swings her sword around again]

Ralph : [Getting up] Come on, Roy!

Tipper : Super! I thought your leg was broken.

Ralph : I'm er, a quick healer.

[From around the far side of the vat comes the sound of moaning and whining that can only be coming from ROY.]

Austin : Ralph, you and your crew might as well surrender, there is no way you could win this fight, [Loads his sling shot and gets ready to shoot Roy and keep his distance] you know it's true, in you heart, why fight it? You can just surrender, and you'll be back home in no time with a nice brandy, an open fire and snug slippers!

Clint : [With a "what are you talking about?" look, to Austin] What are you talking about? [To Ralph, while yielding his sword] Bring it on!

Ralph : If you all weren't so stupid, you would know that you could live in heaven for the rest of your lives. Now you're going to have to die!

[RALPH, ROCK, SCISSORS and PAPER advance, while ROY comes from the opposite side.]

Roy : Oh, you've come back for more, have you? Like you didn't insult me enough the first time around? This time I'm not even going to try and be nice!

Austin : [Turns to Roy] Nice? You were never nice, you are completely insane! [Fires two shots at Roy] Stay back! [Austin looks pretty scared of Roy. Looking at his left arm, whispers] It's okay Maplin, we'll shoot him to pieces [Austin looks at his right forearm, and gasps. To his right forearm] My you're looking pretty good these days. This message is in MIME format. Since your mail reader does not understand this format, some or all of this message may not be legible.

Roy : Ow! [Closes the distance to Austin] You can't kill Roy, it is impossible!

Ralph : Let's go!

[They charge, and attack. All but ROY get an attack, as he has more ground to make up. RALPH attacks HARVEY, PAPER attacks CLINT, SCISSORS attacks CHASTITY and ROCK attacks ALICE.]

Ralph : How fitting it is I who should kill you!

Harvey : [Knocking Ralph unconscious with a vicious blow] Hah! You'll have to do better than that!

[CLINT and PAPER clash, with both inflicting damage on each other.]

Scissors : Come on, we can take this lot! [Clashes with Chastity, and knocks her unconscious, and only taking a small cut himself] Scissors strikes again.

Austin : [Fires his next shots at the Vat, at the most fragile point, looks worried, backs away from Roy] Shit!

Harvey : [Shouting at Scissors] You Cur, Sir. Striking a defenceless Lady of the Cloth. [Runs round the back of Clint to attack Scissors]

[Scissors is briefly silent]

Harvey : What? Speak up, laddie. Cat got your tongue? [Attacks Scissors]

Clint : [With a "what are you talking about?" look, to Austin] What are you talking about? [To Ralph, while yielding his sword] Bring it on!

Ralph : If you all weren't so stupid, you would know that you could live in heaven for the rest of your lives. Now you're going to have to die!

[RALPH, ROCK, SCISSORS and PAPER advance, while ROY comes from the opposite side.]

Roy : Oh, you've come back for more, have you? Like you didn't insult me enough the first time around? This time I'm not even going to try and be nice!

Austin : [Turns to Roy] Nice? You were never nice, you are completely insane! [Fires two shots at Roy] Stay back! [Austin looks pretty scared of Roy. Looking at his left arm, whispers] It's okay Maplin, we'll shoot him to pieces [Austin looks at his right forearm, and gasps. To his right forearm] My you're looking pretty good these days. This message is in MIME format. Since your mail reader does not understand this format, some or all of this message may not be legible.

Roy : Ow! [Closes the distance to Austin] You can't kill Roy, it is impossible!

Ralph : Let's go!

[They charge, and attack. All but ROY get an attack, as he has more ground to make up. RALPH attacks HARVEY, PAPER attacks CLINT, SCISSORS attacks CHASTITY and ROCK attacks ALICE.]

Ralph : How fitting it is I who should kill you!

Harvey : [Knocking Ralph unconscious with a vicious blow] Hah! You'll have to do better than that!

[CLINT and PAPER clash, with both inflicting damage on each other.]

Scissors : Come on, we can take this lot! [Clashes with Chastity, and knocks her unconscious, and only taking a small cut himself] Scissors strikes again.

Austin : [Fires his next shots at the Vat, at the most fragile point, looks worried, backs away from Roy] Shit!

Harvey : [Shouting at Scissors] You Cur, Sir. Striking a defenceless Lady of the Cloth. [Runs round the back of Clint to attack Scissors]

[Scissors is briefly silent]

Harvey : What? Speak up, laddie. Cat got your tongue? [Attacks Scissors]

Clint : I don't think so, but I can take care of that once I'm done here! [Throws a blow at Paper] [AUSTIN fires off two rounds, both of which hit the vat, but don't have any effect.]

Roy : Typical, you must hate beautiful drink almost as much as you hate beautiful cakes! [Swings at Austin] [HARVEY skips around PAPER and gets behind SCISSORS, who turns to face him. Meanwhile, CLINT and PAPER swing at each other.]

Paper : When you're done here, you'll be dead!

Rock : Let me get him! [Swings at Clint]

Harvey : [Attacks Scissors] Have at you, you vile leprous ne'er-do-well!

Scissors : Bring it on, fat boy!

[HARVEY and SCISSORS swing at each other, with SCISSORS slashing HARVEY on the arm, but HARVEY then dealing a huge blow that knocks SCISSORS unconscious.]

Roy : [To Austin] It looks like you picked the wrong battle!

[Austin draws his dagger.]

Alice : [Stirring] I'll help you Aussie! [Attacks Roy from behind]

[ALICE's swipe cuts ROY's right leg clean off, and he collapses in a heap, unconscious. CLINT and PAPER clash, with CLINT landing a savage blow against PAPER, which knocks him to the ground unconscious.]

Alice : [Wakes up Chastity] Hey Chas, wake up! I just cut Roy's leg off!

Chastity : [Coming round in a bit of a daze] I hope these won't be going on postcards? [Wakes up a bit more, holding her head] By Phili, I hate it when that happens! [Looks around and gets up. To Alice] Well done dear, now he's no just emotionaly unstable!

Austin : [Looks strained at the drain. Looks at his right forearm] It's okay Serendipity, the nasty lich is gone now [Looks at Rock, furiously, and attacks him with his dagger]

Chastity : [Looks up in suprise at Austin attacking Rock with a dagger] Oh no. I'm another strange dream world! [Struggles to her feet]

Alice : [Wryly] Don't worry Chas, any world where Austin doesn't bother to thank someone for saving his life can't be all that different from our normal one.

[AUSTIN and HARVEY attack ROCK, who's involved with CLINT.]

Harvey : [As he and Austin land massively damaging blows on Rock, as well as a reasonable one from Clint] Well done, chaps! That's the end of him!

Tipper : [Terrified at seeing Rock's demise] Please don't hurt me!

Chastity : You'll have to offer my colleagues something in return I suspect. Otherwise I don't know what they'll do. [Gestures round at the carnage] I mean just look at this bloody mess, this carnage. This..this..what could you call this, Tipper, gore?

Tipper : Yes, Gore. All Gore.

Chastity : We're going to need some information. What is happening to all thos epeople outside?

Tipper : [Very nervous] They're, er, being harvested.

Chastity : [Outraged] Harvested? Harvested? What, to make this drink? [Points to the Vat of brandy]

Tipper : [Looking down, somewhat embarassed] Well, yes.

Chastity : [Turns round to the group triumphantly] See, I told you drink drains the humanity from you! [Turns back to Tipper] And to what purpose was the production of the evil brew?

Austin : [Sighs of relief now that the fight is over. To Alice] Hey, thanks Alice [Winks at Alice] Nice work, Sparticus would have been proud. Serendipity thanks you too, as does Maplin [Looks at his beautiful forearms, and shows them to Alice] See?

Alice : No problem, Austin. [Turns to Clint] Oh God, don't tell me they've both got names now!

Tipper : Well, we send it up to the Elves. [Points at the huge pipe sucking brandy up] See? They think it's super.

Chastity : Do the elves know its made with human extract?

Tipper : Well, the ones who imprisoned us here probably do. In fact, between you and me, the reason they let the sha-

Ralph : Shut up! [Has regained consciousness, and fires a crossbow bolt at Tipper, which strikes her in the throat.]

[TIPPER screams, and falls to the ground, unconscious.]

Tipper : [Momentarily waking] Not so super. [Dies]

Chastity : Hey! [Rushes over to kick to crossbow from Ralph]

Clint : Hey! [Rushes over to kick Ralph in the balls]

[Both CHASTITY and CLINT get to RALPH at the same time, with the former kicking the crossbow from his hand, and the latter connecting so savagely with RALPH's testicles that the noise causes all the males in the room to grimace in pain.]

Alice : [Ducking to avoid a ricochet from the crossbow] What the hell? [To Clint] You know, for someone who's just got his testicle back, you seem to be very free and easy about kicking someone else's!

Ralph : [Doubled over in pain] Help me, help me!

Clint : [Scratching his new pair] Well Ralph, only you can help yourself now! Tell us about the elves, for example.

Ralph : The Elves? Well, they're the most beautiful creatures to ever exist, and we scummy humans are fortunate to be allowed service them.

[Slowly, the bodies of ROCK, SCISSORS and PAPER start to lose their detail, and begin to turn to anonymous grey figures.]

Alice : Hey! Look at that, were they shapeshifters?

Harvey : By the saints, dear niece, I certainly think they were! [Turns on Ralph] You had better start talking sense, or you'll be joining your shapeless buddies, you bounder!

Ralph : [With a sneer] If you start asking any questions that make sense, then I will start talking sense.

Chastity : [Looking round the prone bodies scattered round the floor] Talking of sense, should we tie up those still alive?

Alice : It does make a lot of sense, and it would be the best thing to do, the safest thing, the smartest thing. [Pause] Let's not bother.

Clint : [To Ralph] What is the wiskey for?

Chastity : [Looks at Alice shaking her head and goes to get belts, etc from the shapeshifters to tie Roy up]

Ralph : Whiskey? There's no whiskey here.

Alice : Okay, the brandy then.

Ralph : It's for the Elves. It is our good fortune that we are permitted to give them this gift.

Clint : But why were you trying to force us to drink it?

Austin : [Looks at Clint] It appears than the brandy is some form of mind control, hypnogogic state inducing psychoactive, as I said earlier. [Austin is holding Maplin up so that he catches the light, and staring in wonder at his beautiful forearm] Gasp! Look Alice, isn't he wonderful?

Alice : [Looks straight up in the direction that Maplin is being held, before looking back at Austin] Who?

Ralph : [Lamely, to Clint] Because I thought you might like it.

Harvey : [Roaring] Liar! Sir, you are a liar! You weren't trying to force us to drink brandy, you were trying to force us to drink that other pale yellowy liquid in the other room. What is in it? Tell us, or by crikey we'll get you to drink it!

Ralph : [Sigh] That's [mutters] lvnps. Last from Conor #53

Austin : [Looks at Alice] Maplin! [Shows the beautiful Maplin to Alice] I don't know whether I should show you Serendipity, now that you have shunned Maplin, the most beautiful forearm in the universe, like that. [Sulks] Some people just have no taste. [Looks at Ralph, moodily. To the others] Why is this shapshifter still alive? Talking nonsense. [Finger quotes, staring at Ralph a bit posychotically (after the recent stresses)] 'lvnps' like we would know what that meant [Points at Ralph with his dagger] You had better start talking sense or I'll stab you until I find out where a shapeshifter feels it most. Okay?

Chastity : [To Ralph] Or we'll leave you alone lock in a small room to listen to the lawyer wax lyrically about his fore-arms. So speak up.

Austin : [To Chastity] You must be joking, there is no way in hell I would subjet Maplin and Serendipity to this foul murderers gaze. They have done nothing to deserve that.

Alice : That's right, Chastity. He may be a murdering scum who's enslaved humans for his Elven masters, but let's not lock him into a room alone with Austin in full Vanity Mode. [Looks at Ralph] Quickly now, shapey fellow, what's this lvnps you speak of?

Ralph : Elven piss. It certain properties that, when mixed with good thoughts, means it is highly addictive to humans. Would you like some?

Chastity : Elven pi...uri...liquid excrecia. That's sick.

Ralph : That's sick? Why? Why is it any more sick than eating the flesh of dead animals? Or the eggs of live ones? Or harvesting milk from cattle? The humans here are so dumb they don't know the difference between Elven excrement and Louis XV, but they are happy - who are you to spoil that?

Clint : So not only you sent Brandy up to the Elves, but you also receive piss in return? What's in the deal for you?

Ralph : As much brandy as I can drink, and the fear and respect of the humans. Shapeshifters and humans have fought each other for thousands of years, and we always had the upper hand, [face darkens] until Faern came.

Alice : Faern?

Ralph : The most hated of all humans. Our legends tell how Phili himself looked after Faern and bestowed him with the greatest luck than one person ever had.

Alice : [Excited] What made people think that? His bravery? His success with stick selling?

Ralph : His dumb luck. Apparantly, despite being a moron, he ended up being a hero.

Alice : [Dismayed] Hey!

Clint : [To Alice] Sounds familiar, eh?

Alice : [Turns and glares at Clint, before giving him a big warm smile, and squeezing his arm reassuringly] Aw, come on, Clinty, you're not that much of a moron!

Austin : [Finishes adoring Maplin and Serendipity. Turns to Clint] Alice is quite correct, Mr. Scar, you are not that much of a moron [Snikkers to himself]

Harvey : By the saints, private Scar, you shouldn't be so hard on yourself! Why certainly you mightn't be firing on all cylinders, the brightest bulb in the box, the full monty, as dumb as a bag of spanners, a ringpull short of a six pack, a horselength shie of a stable, a forest short of a gump, a field plowed with a bottle, but by the saints, you're a good man to have in a fight. Downwind, or course!

Chastity : [To Ralph] Not so fast there. Where's the wand?

Alice : Hm, I suppose when you put it like that, he is pretty dumb. [Turns] Hey! Look at those people watching us!

[ALICE is, of course, looking at the reflection of the party in the vat.]

Ralph : Well, if that's all, I'll be off.

Ralph : [Clearly lying] Er, what wand?

Alice : What wand? What do you mean what wand? You know full well what wand we're talking about! It's [pause] um, [turns to the others and asks in a small voice] what wand is it again?

Clint : [To Alice] And I'm the dumb one, eh? [To Ralph] The wand we're looking for, of course!

Alice : [Patiently] Look Clint, we've been through this. We don't care if you're dumb or not!

Ralph : [Spitting the name out] Faern's wand? The elves have it, how else do you think they control us?

Alice : Hold on a second. I'm confused. Who's us?

Ralph : [Rolls his eyes] Shapeshifters!

Alice : Hey! Ralph is a shapeshifter! Tell me, Ralph, if you can choose to look like anyone, why do you look like that?

Ralph : Tell me, Einstein, if can choose to have your hair any colour, why do you choose to have it [rolls up his lip in disgust] that colour?

Alice : [To Clint] Kick him again.

Chastity : [To Clint] Hold on a second. [To Ralph] Where do the elves keep the wand? And how do we get out of Mermantort?

Ralph : I don't know where they keep it - you can be pretty sure I'd get the hell out of the Interior if I knew where it was. All I know is that it is somewhere on the other side of the shield. [Nods towards the room with the large shield, before turning and smiling at the party] You don't get out of Mermantort. That shield will drain your energy quicker than Roy on a sugar high. You're stuck, stuck here for all eternity! Ah hah hah hah! [Leans his head back as he roars with laughter, only to bang it off the vat] Ah hah hah ow!

Chastity : We'll just have to break the shield then. If there is one thing I sure this group can do it's break things! [To Clint] OK you can continue now, thank you.

Clint : Hold on, if the Elves have the wand and they are using it against shapeshifters, isn't that a good thing?

Austin : [Marvelling at the beauty that is Serendipity] If this shield drains energy in a similar manner to the filthy, nauseating and uneven* Roy, then perhaps we could simply walk through it. There may be some energy drained from us, but rest assured, I do not believe that there is a shield which can drain either Serendipity or Maplin of their beauty.

Alice : [Shakes her head sympathetically] Poor, simple minded Clint. Of course it isn't a good thing, you see [has clearly run out of thought] hm. Austin, tell him why it isn't a good thing.

Austin : The reason for it not being a [finger quotes] good thing are fourfold. First, the Shapeshifters are threatening to run amok on the surface, that is where we need the wand. Second, the usage or otherwise by the Elves of the wand doesn't take from the fact that we are trapped here, my earlier suggestion notwithstanding. Third, the Elves appear to be using their current ownership of the wand as a licence to not only enslave humans, but also to set a virtual monopoly on the world's supply of Louis XV. Fourthly, I for one would like to bring a bottle of that fake Louis XV back to Siegfried and shove it up his rectum, sideways, to underline the distress that has been caused not only to the humans here in general, but to me in particular. [Distastefully exhibits his hippy clothes to the party] Eauh.

Alice : [Arms folded and head nodding at Austins words] See, Clint?

[The BROWN FAIRY appears again, and gives RALPH a bonk on the head with her wand.]

Fairy : You naughty man! [Turns to the party] I knew you'd defeat him!

Harvey : But at the great cost of the good and wise Dr Jerome Trindle, my miniscule dear! I shall miss good council, yet again. Now my dear, do you know of a way we can turn off this barrier and escape this foul city?

Fairy : I don't know - a leap of faith, maybe? Perhaps if you all jump through together, then with a little touch of my magic dust [sprinkles some kind of sparkles with her wand] maybe, just maybe, because of the energy you got, you can get through.

[Time passes.]

Ralph : Or, you could just stay here, standing around, lost in mindless pleasure. [Sneers at the party] You're almost there anyway.

Clint : [To Ralph, kicking him] Shut up. [To the Fairy] But how can you be certain that we won't die when trying to go through the shield?

Fairy : Nothing - but you're strong enough now to be able to react in case there's a problem. Most people just bounce off it, electrocuted and barbecued. You'll be able to step back, smokey, but alive.

Chastity : It would be simpler if we could just sabotage the shield generator, but if this is the best way, then so be it.

Ralph : Oh, great idea.

Harvey : Where's the generator?

Ralph : On the other side of the shield.

[Everyone moves to the shield room, and it is as it was, with a dull hum coming from the shield.]

Fairy : All it needs is for you to jump in - I'll be with you too.

Chastity : Shall we take Ralph through?

Ralph : [Shouting] No!

Austin : Ah, Sister Chastity, how it warms my heart to see that the church can produce such vicious followers. I heartily agree.

Chastity : This is not a case of vicious vengeance, Mr. Sleaze, just a case of continuity. Sort of live by the shield, die by the shield, as it were.

Clint : In other words, you want to try and send him through the shield, to see the effect it has on him, so that we can decide if we make the jump or not. Great idea, Chassers!

Alice : I particularly like the way she claims it's not a type of vicious vegence, when in actual fact, it's so vicious that I'm feeling a little ill!

Fairy : Well, the plan was for everyone to go through together - if you throw him through on his own, it mightn't actually serve any purpose.

Alice : [Helpfully] Other than the vicious vegnence, of course.

Fairy : Of course.

Clint : [To Fairy] We don't actually have to give hands when we'll go in together, do we?

Alice : Give hand? Is that like giving head?

Harvey : [Loudly] No! [Calm] I mean, no.

Austin : I believe that what Mr. Scar is trying to say in his own simplistic way, is that he thinks we should hold hands, to ensure that our energy is connected. An excellent idea, Mr. Scar, especially for whoever is fortunate enough to get to hold Maplin [holds up Maplin] and Serendipity [holds up his other hand, and sighs in awe at the beauty he beholds]

Harvey : Good thinking, private Scar, a sure fire way of all of us entering the shield at the same time! Come Alice [holds out his hand] and good sister Chastity!

[CLINT says nothing, but shakes his head sadly.]

Alice : Come on, Stinky! [Takes Clint by the hand]

Austin : [Unhappy] Clearly, I should be in the middle, that two people may enjoy the benefit of being near me - but not to worry, this way there is less risk my contact with sweaty individuals. [Takes Chastity's hand] Of course, there is always some risk.

Alice : Hey, what about Ralphie boy? Do we take him?

Harvey : By the saints, I nearly forgot about him. Hmmm, I think we should leave him. Perhaps we will all walk through this shield with only singed eyebrows as consequence, but surely if we bring this doppleganger through with us, it will create a far bigger energy drain, being that he's not human? Perhaps we should just kill the villian! After all, he is an abomination.

Clint : Yeah, why should we bother to take him with us? [Looks at the party] Euh... who wants to hold hands with me? Yuck!

Alice : Hey! I'm already holding your hand! Let's go!

[Everyone starts to jump.]

Chastity : [Mid jump, sighing] I can't believe we're leaving the shapeshifter behind. It wouldn't be vicious, more an act of mercy. [Braces herself for the shield]

Ralph : I can't believe they're leaving me behind, they're even more stupid that the humans here. Now I'm free to wreak a terrible revenge on them, muh hah hah hah! [Turns to walk away, but trips over Mrs. Whiskerson] Ow.

[The party hit the shield with burst of painful energy. For a moment, they are trapped in the middle, and can see OLIVE, SIEGFRIED and some other elves on the other side, and can just about make out what they are saying.]

Siegfried : [Dead calm] The shield will surely kill them.

Olive : Indeed, see how they are weakening every second. It would take a miracle to save them now.

[Enter JEROME, into the shield from the Mermantort side. He has clearly undergone a profound change, looking extremely fit now, and unusually calm. Even within the flickering shield, there is definitely a supernatural glow off him.]

Jerome : One miracle, coming up. [Pushes Harvey, causing the rest of the party to burst out through the shield, and collapse in an untidy, exhausted heap in front of the elves.]

Sieggried : [Dryly] Welcome to Euphoria.