THE QUEENS VIEW AFFAIR

[Book III, Act V, Scene I. Outside Pestilence's Mansion. SVEN, NEFIRITIRI, CORWYN, MARASMUS, JIM, AUSTIN, KELLY, ALICE, HARVEY, CHASTITY, FAETAN, CLINT, PETER and BODDY are here, and there is just a smoking hole in the ground behind them, where the mansion was.]

Alice : Sven! You're alive!

Boddy : Here, cover yourself. [Grabs Corwyn's hat and throws it to Sven, who saves his modesty.]

Sven : Haw! I think I need a bigger hat than that!

Harvey : [Opens his backpack and removes a long white night shirt, handing it to Sven] There you go, Sven! That should cover your modesty and spare the ladies blushes, what! [Snaps a sharp salute at Sven] By the saints, soldier, it's good to see you up and about! Thank you indeed for jumping on that spiky mine and saving our lives!

Sven : [Throwing on the shirt] My pleasure sir! [Turns to Marasmus] What happened?

Boddy : Pestilence's revenge.

Sven : [Putting his arm around her] No worries, I'm sure we'll find a cure for this.

Harvey : [Looks very doubtful] Why yes, I'm sure we will!! [To Marasmus] You need not worry, my dear woman, if a cure is to be found, then we're the ones to find it!

Boddy : I don't think so - you've got to get back to your own time.

Alice : Can't Nefiritiri just wish them back?

Nefiritiri : No - we both had to sarcrifice our magic to make Pestilence vulnerable.

Harvey : [Scratching at a sideburn] Hmm, and how are we going to get back to our own time, eh? Find some more of those Phili orbs? [To Boddy] Well, you sent us here, so can you send us back?

Austin : [Looks deep in thought, makes to say something but thinks better of it]

Harvey : [Looks at Austin] Well private Sleaze, if you've anything constructive to say, please say it! We need as many thoughts and ideas as possible if we are to get home!

Boddy : It wasn't me who sent you here, so I can't send you back, but I think I might know someone who can.

Harvey : Oh, and who is that?

Austin : [After a good think, to Boddy] Pesty cursed me to be what I said, does that mean I become what I say? So, if I say I am a genius I become a genius?

Boddy : That would be your friend and mine, the lovely Adam Torque.

Boddy : Unlikely.

Alice : [Excitedly] I bet it is! I bet it is, say something clever, Austin!

Harvey : Adam Torque! But how? He has no power, surely?

Austin : [To Boddy] So, what is likely?

Alice : [Applauds Austin] Wahey! [Clapping becomes slower and slower, eventually stopping] Hey! That's not clever at all!

Boddy : [Shrugs] I don't know - Pestilence had a rather ironic sense of humour, and was very observant. Maybe he could see through that annoying petulant exterior of yours to see the sweet, lovable rogue that [glances at Faetan] at least some of us know, maybe he might make even you believe that nauseating propaganda and posturing that you constantly spew forth. [To Harvey] He has a whole lot more than you'd imagine - the Fundamentalist Knights might be morons, but they've got numbers.

Alice : Like, telephone numbers and stuff? So, they might ring up a whole load of their friends, so that they'll have more people than us?

Boddy : Er, yes, that kind of thing.

Harvey : Well, if he's our only option, then we must try. However, I certainly don't think he'll be very sympathetic to our plight.

Austin : [Looks at Harvey, then back to Boddy] It looks like my legal days are over then. [Looks confused] Will the curese be lifted when we get back to our own time?

Boddy : Not a chance - it'll take something very powerful to lift the curses, in fact, I wonder if they even can be.

Alice : Maybe Pestilence was just joking? And there's no actually no curse? Maybe - [gets excited] just maybe, the real curse is for people to think that there's a curse!

Boddy : Maybe.

Corwyn : What happens now, do we launch a full scale attack on Insomnia and kill Adam?

Harvey : Good God man, of course we don't attack Insomnia! How would attacking the town and then killing Adam, aide us in persuading Adam to send us back to our own time? He has to be persuaded sir, otherwise, if forced, the man could send us anywhere and anywhen!

Chastity : He's a huffy little man at the best of times, so persuading him to help us will be mean feat in itself.

Harvey : Indeed so sister, things are truly grim. Perhaps we should think of a reason for him to send us back. Something, or some cause which would interest him?

Corwyn : How about we promise not to castrate him if he sends you back?

Nefiritiri : He doesn't know how to do it - he has an object that can be used to transport you back, but he's too stupid to know what it is, and certainly doesn't know how to work it.

Harvey : [To Corwyn] No sir! No no no! And thrice, no! What you did earlier was despicable! Deplorable! Detesticulatingly diabolical! There will be no more of that type of thing!

Corwyn : [Grins at Faetan] We'll see.

Austin : [To Corwyn] What is your fascination with castration?

Corwyn : I'm not fascinated with it - I just find it a useful method of persuasion.

Harvey : Listen to me, Jarl! That type of viciousness is not acceptable within this party! From anyone! Now, if you plan to carry on in this barbaric fashion, then by the saints, you can do it elsewhere!

Corwyn : What kind of viciousness is allowed? [Waves at Boddy] Headbutting seems to be okay, as is sarcrificing hundreds of innocent people, not to mention forcing someone to eat a dead man's penis!

[SVEN squirms a little, and walks over from MARASMUS.]

Sven : This isn't the time - we're all on the same side here.

Harvey : Very true Sven, but I just wanted to make sure we were on the right side!

Corwyn : Merely being on the same side doesn't mean we have to like each other.

Alice : [With a quick glance at Faetan] Phew!

Austin : [To Sven] Good to have you back old fella. [Pats Sven gently on the back] Unfortunately myself and so of the others have been cursed, I'm not even sure what my curse means, how are Marasmus's eyes? [Looks over to Marasmus]

Sven : They're gone, but she knows where there's a store of magical weapons, and that's where we're off too. There might be something there to cure her.

Harvey : I'm sure of it! [Smiles a big smile towards Marasmus] I'm giving you a big encouraging smile now, Marasmus!

Marasmus : Thanks, Harvey.

Alice : [Taking note of Harvey] I'm going to smile and squeeze your shoulder reassuringly now, Marasmus. [Smiles and squeezes Marasmus' shoulder] I'm squeezing your shoulder now, Marasmus.

Marasmus : Thanks.

Faetan : Why don't we all go?

Boddy : Because I suspect that once Adam and his cronies realise what they have, they'll destroy it. You lot have got to get back as soon as possible.

Austin : [To Boddy] I don't recall spouting any nauseating propaganda or posturing. Hmm, maybe a little posturing, but that isn't bad though, is it? [Austin looks worried and lights up a doober]

Faetan : Don't worry about it, ducks. It was a stupid curse anyhow. I mean, what kind of idiot curses someone with arrogance? Ha! Just a pessimist's word for 'confidence.'

Chastity : Or a polite person's word for 'rude'.

Faetan : Pestilence was hardly polite. [Sniffs]

Alice : Nor are you.

Faetan : Nor are you. What's your point?

Alice : Oh, but I am, Faetan, and I am also someone who doesn't confuse aggression and arrogance with confidence.

Clint : What has that got to do with politeness? [Punches Sven's arm strong] Good to have you back! I really thought that was the end.

Chastity : No, I'm sure Pestilence took his bite from the middle.

Alice : [To Clint] Nothing, it's just an added bonus I have.

Sven : [Punching Clint back hard] Haw! I don't care where it came from, because it came back all round! [Laughs heartily, before turning seriously to Chastity] I apologise for my inappropriateness, Sister.

Austin : [Still looking concerned] So waht are we going to do about these curses?

Chastity : [To Sven] That's alright, Sven. You have just been risen from the dead, after all, [Slightly louder for Austin's benefit] unless you're just a delusion of my fanatical mind. [To Austin] I think we should concentrate on getting the artifact from Adam. I'm sure not sure the there is anything we can do about the curses at this moment.

Sven : Haw! [Punches Austin hard on the shoulder] He's just helped kill a nephew of the devil, and already he's worried about the curses on his fellow party members. You've nothing to fear, my friend. In my experience, most curses, other than pure physical ones, of course, can only amplify something that's already there, only those who already have traces of a bad trait can successfully be cursed.

Alice : [Whispering to Clint] Looks like Austin's screwed!

Clint : Ok, enough tears and hugs. Let's get that artifact from Adam. [Puts his hand on his sword] I'm sure we'll be able to reason with him.

Boddy : Yeah. Good luck with that.

Alice : Aren't you coming with us?

Boddy : Nope. From what I've heard, the artifact he has generates a lot of energy when it is used - the chances are that any one who goes with you will either have to jump forward in time, or get killed in the ensuing explosion.

Harvey : Then it's unlikely that that bounder Adam will help us?

Boddy : [Shrugs] I don't know, maybe he'll arrange to have it moved out of the city, but given the way he was so callously headbutted earlier, I suspect that's less than likely.

Austin : [Gets up off the ground from where he fell after Svens 'friendly' punch. To Sven] It's a good job Pesty didn't eat your bicep [Maplin holds Austin's arm and Austin treads out the doober he droppped when he was punched].

Chastity : [To Boddy] Ehem yes, thank's for that. If it hadn't been for that sterling fellow Peter I'd still be all sticky from him! [Flashes a smile to Peter]. And now you'll have had him even more huffy!

Sven : [Pats his (own!) crotch for a second] I wouldn't be so sure, my friend! [Thinks for a second] Or maybe I am! [Laughs long and loud, before putting on his serious face] I think this is goodbye, my friends.

Peter : [With his normal voice] It was an honour and a pleasure to help you.

Sven : [Laughs out loud at Peter] Haw! Isn't he great? [Puts his arm around him] I hope you'll come with us, Peter?

Peter : [Dryly] I can think of nothing else I'd like to do better.

Chastity : Ha,ha. [Points with both hands to Peter] You teaser, you. [To Sven] Can't you just feel his enthusiasm bubbling under that calm exterior? What a guy. [Continues to chuckle]

Clint : [Looking momentarily at Peter's clothes] Yeah, I suppose you can call him that.

Sven : [Nudges Chastity] Isn't he great?

Alice : So, does this mean that only those of us going forwards in time are going into the town?

Chastity : [Calming down abit, to Sven] A total wag. [To Alice] I'm sure Sven and Peter will accompany us at least for part of the way to our goal. For what can be more rewarding than defeating one despot than defeating two? [Looks to Sven and Peter for confirmation]

Sven : I'm sorry, Sister, I've got Marasmus to look after. Now, I know you all would hate for me to drag Peter away, but I was kind of hoping he'd come along. What do you say Peter? Would you enjoy coming with me?

Peter : About as much as I would enjoy being with Faetan.

[FAETAN bares her teeth and growls at PETER.]

Peter : Correction. About as much as I would enjoy smelling her breath.

Sven : [Happily] Haw! That's settled then!

Austin : [To Alice] It looks that way. We'll have to convince Adam that it is in the best interests of mankind that we should be sent back to our own time, to redress the [Thinks for a moment] 'temporal' imbalance caused by our comming here in the first place. We could also make him king, or something like that, to pander to his megalomaniac ego. [Pauses and muses for a momnet] We Could make hi a slogan, 'Be pure, be vigilant, behave!' or perhaps make him a really flashy set of kingly robes or a throne?

Chastity : Well take care of Marasmus. After her work she deserves some care. And if anyone can keep her spirits up, I'm sure you two will.

Sven : [Claps Peter hard on the back, sending him stumbling forwards a step] That's what we've got Peter for! [Turns to Kelly] Well, Missy, do you want to come with us? Old Clint here will be heading back too, you know?

Kelly : Maybe I'll wait a few months. [Points to her stomach] I'll keep out of exploding range of Adam's house, though.

Sven : [To Jim] Sir, you look like a man who thrives on adventure!

Jim : [Startled] Do I?

Alice : [Murmuring to Chastity] This could be our chance to ditch Jarl.

Clint : [To Kelly, clearly making an effort] I apologise for my lack of cautiousness [points at her tummy]. But I must go back to the future, as that's where I belong. [Kisses her on the tummy] I hope all the best for the two of you.

Kelly : Thanks, Clint, I knew you cared! [Throws her arms around him.]

Alice : Hm, I wonder what will happen to the child - [to Harvey] wouldn't it be funny if Clint met one of his descendents when we got back to the future.

Harvey : [Darkly] Yes. Hilarious.

Faetan : [To Sven] So this is goodbye.

Sven : It sure is, Monster. [Does a feint and pretend punch at her jaw] Keep that temper under control, y'hear? No more destesticulations. [Nods at Corwyn] He should be as proud of you as you are of him, and he should pay as much attention to you as you do to him. [Turns to the others] It looks like this is it, folks!

Chastity : {Looking from Faetan to Corwyn. TO Alice I'm sorry, dear, which Jarl precisely? [To Sven] Not necessarily. I'm sure we will see you later. [Emphasises] Much later!

Alice : How many do you think we'll get away with? [Turns to Sven] You look after yourself, right?

Sven : Right, but the next time we meet up, I'll probably have to pretend not to know you lot. Isn't that right, Peter?

Peter : Yes. It'll be a real stretch, I'm sure.

Chastity : Ha! [Gives a jokey dismissive wave in Peter's direction] You'll hardly be able to contain yourself. Knowing you, you'll probably even change your name to try and trick us. [Gives a smile and shakes her head at the thought]

Austin : [To Peter, deadpan] I'm sure we'll like you just as much as we do now.

Peter : I wish I could say the same.

Faetan : [Hugs Corwyn] Hey, I've got something to say to you.

[The two embrace and whisper to each other.]

Alice : You know, that's the first time in ages that neither of them have been shouting!

Harvey : [To Boddy] Sir, I owe you a debt of gratitude. [Holds out his hand]

Boddy : [Shakes it] Not a problem, Harv. I appreciate you having more of an open mind than most.

Harvey : I presume that you won't accompany us to Insomnia.

Boddy : Yep.

Harvey : Then you're heading off with Sven and the others?

Boddy : Nope.

Austin : [To Boddy] So, you are Death really, but you are on the side of 'balance', much like Phili?

Boddy : It's not like I've got a choice - the universe is ruled by balance. Anyone who struggles against it is fighting a losing battle. Remember that, and you'll live a long and prosperous life.

Alice : [Quickly pulling out her note book] What was it again?

Boddy : The universe is ruled by balance. Anyone who struggles against it is fighting a losing battle

[ALICE spends a good two minutes writing, with the tip of her tongue sticking out from the concentration.]

Alice : What came after "the"?

Austin : [Writes down the message on his note pad and gives the sheet of paper to Alice] There you are.

Alice : [Takes, and looks at the paper, before giving Austin her impatient look] I'm not stupid, you know, I can see that it's blank!

Austin : [Looks at Alice, and turns the piece of paper over] Silly me, I wrote it on the otherside. [Austin shudders slightly, then turns to Marasmus] Marasmus, thank you for helping us, and ressurecting me twice, I hope we can find a cure for your eyes. [To Sven, Nefiritiri, Corwyn] Thanks to you guys too. I guess we should be getting to that magic store.

Alice : [Reads the paper suspiciously, before putting it away] Hm. [Looks to Boddy] So, what are you going to do now? Kill a dragon? Rescue a maiden from a very tall tower? Sail the seven seas?

Boddy : Haven't decided yet, but right now? [Looks to Nefiritiri] How're you doin'?

Nefiritiri : Oh, please.

Boddy : Got the ex-genie blues, eh? Well, let your Uncle Boddy grant at least one wish for you!

[Exit NEFIRITIRI and BODDY, arm in arm.]

[Book III, Act V, Scene II. Outside Insomnia. AUSTIN, ALICE, HARVEY, CHASTITY, FAETAN, and CLINT are here, about a hundred yards away from the town, and clearly out of view of any guards.]

Alice : Well, it looks normal enough. [Checks her watch] Of course, given that it is three o'clock in the morning and it is brilliant daylight, it can mean only one thing.

Harvey : That your watch is broken?

Alice : [Thinks for a moment] Two things.

Clint : That you can't read the time?

Alice : [Looks directly at Clint for second, before looking away, thinking, and turning back to him] Three things.

Chastity : That what you're looking at isn't really a watch at all, and is just the back of your wrist?

Alice : [Sneaks a look at her "watch"] Hey! Where's my watch?

Austin : [Looks at his rather smart gold pocket watch on chain. To Alice] Your watch is wrong, it's 10am in the morning. Can anyone see any guards?

Alice : [With her back to the town] No.

Harvey : [With his front to the town] No.

Faetan : Oh come on, it'll be easy to convince him! If he doesn't send us forward in time, he'll have to DEAL with us being around him constantly! Who in their right mind would want THAT?

Alice : I guess it depends on whether or not they have a choice.

Chastity : Unfortunately, instead of sending us forward in time, he could get rid of us by getting his lackeys to gang up and kill us! [Looks towards the city] I don't suppose the walking up to the gate and asking to get in would work again?

Alice : Well, I guess there's only one way to find out.

Faetan : You mean, by just walking up and asking?

Alice : [Sighs] Okay. Two ways.

Chastity : Without any handy unwanted cadavers, we have even less options than before. We don't even have the comfort of anonymity now. We might as well head up to the gates, declare that we've battled and defeated evil, apologise to Adam and hope for the best! [Looking a bit awkward] Em, we may want to leave out the exact details of our battle though.

Alice : Too right, Sister. You don't really want any one else outside of our group knowing that you took off all your clothes and ran around naked, do you? I mean, for someone like you, it must be really embarrassing if people kept coming up to you in the street reminding you how you were naked for so long, and in front of so many people. I mean, it's not quite streaking during the World Cup, but it's a first step!

Harvey : Thank you, Alice. [To the party] I believe the Sister is correct, we should simply approach the town cautiously.

[The party start heading towards the town, as they start getting closer, they suddenly hear a huge "bang!", which causes everyone to dive to the ground.]

Alice : Hey! That didn't really sound like a gun, did it? It sounded more like someone just saying bang!

Chastity : The majority of the guns will have been destroyed before the battle in the square. Although it was six months ago. [Looks up at the city walls to try and spot anyone] Nobody had better be having a laugh at us!

[Enter TERRY, head popping up above the wall, and no other part visible.]

Terry : [In a curiously androgenous voice] You better get back, or the next time I'll fire at you!

Alice : Hey, he's really tall, isn't he?

Harvey : I think he's standing on a ledge.

Austin : [To Terry] If you shoot me, how will I be able to take you dancing?

Chastity : Are you sure he's a he? [Shouting to Terry] Prove you have a gun first. Then we'll think about it!

Terry : Right! [Ducks down.]

[The party hear a deep "click-click" sound, which is clearly being made by a person and not a gun, before TERRY pops back up again.]

Terry : [Snarling] Right! I've got it loaded, if you don't turn right around, you'll get a face full of lead.

Alice : My God! They're going to shoot pencils at us!

Austin : [To Terry, in a strangely androgenous voice, pleading] Won't you come dancing with me? Please! I'm sure we'd have a great time, you and me. [Pretends to be dancing with an invisible partner]

Alice : [Raising her eyebrows to Chastity] I guess it is man, after all!

Terry : No! I don't consort with Nonconfors, you're not getting in, and that's all that's too it. Look at you, with your flash clothing, short skirts and pregnant women, parading about without even a hint of shame! We don't need your sort here.

Alice : [Dismayed] Hey! Is he just talking to me?

Austin : [To Terry] But we bring a great slogan for the great leader Adam! A slogan to beat all others! [Shouts] "Be Pure! Be Vigilant! Behave!", quite catchy don't you think?

Chastity : [Still watching Austin writhing around on the ground] I think so, I'd sure he'd be saying something different to the lawyer. [Starts to slowly get up. To Terry, almost scolding] Stop being silly, and let us in. We've been hard at battle defeating evil, and need the sanctity of a good Philli-fearing refuge to recover.

Terry : [To Austin] You speak the words of the great prophet, but you conduct yourselves like the tainted. [Turns to Chastity] To recover in? Or to spread your viciousness, immorality and depravation in?

Alice : [To the others] Man, word about us spreads fast, doesn't it?

Terry : Be off with you, and do not return until you are no longer tainted!

Chastity : And how will you know?

Terry : Oh, I'll know.

Alice : [Looks puzzled] The question was, "how will you know?"

Terry : Oh, I'll know. Now, you had better be gone by the time the wagons start coming, or there will be trouble. The guards at the gates will easily deal with Nonconfors like you.

Austin : [To the Party] It looks like there are many strict rules, including a dress code, probably a hair cut code, and numerous silly handshakes and coded signals, so many infact that people get them wrong all the time. We should at least try to look like conformers.

Harvey : Good point, Private. Now, how difficult can it be to turn the troop into a more conformist looking bunch? [Looks around slowly at each member in turn] Gah!

Alice : Hold on a second, how do we even know what conformers look like?

Chastity : Agreed. Maybe we could sneak into the city in these wagons that he talks about.

Austin : [To Harvey] Colonel, the wagons comming will be driven by conformists, and may contain conformists clothes and other supplies, we could sneak into a wagon, and then they will drive us into the city.

Harvey : Well said, Private. [Peers into the distance] Although, perhaps we should intercept one of the vehicles out of visual range.

Alice : [Looks in the same direction] Wow! And can you see one of these vehicles that are out of visual range, Uncle Harvey?

Harvey : Er, what I meant is, maybe we should go out of visual range before intercepting one of the wagons.

Alice : Don't be silly, if we're out of visual range, how could we see it?

Austin : [Looks at Alice, then Harvey] Excellent, Colonel, we have a plan, let's go. [Austin walks back to the edge of the trees, and waves to Terry]

[TERRY merely gives AUSTIN the finger in reply.]

Harvey : I must say, Private, it is refreshing to see you with such a co-operative and positive attitude!

[The party advance a good distance away from the town, and sit down to wait.]

Alice : [After some time has passed] Oh God, I'm so bored. How long have we been waiting here?

Harvey : [Checks his watch] About thirty seconds.

[A wagon is approaching.]

Chastity : Quick, lets hide and then sneak onto the back of the wagon. I doubt if they will be picking up hitchhikers.

Alice : And I doubt we'll all be able to keep up with the wagon and jump in!

Chastity : [Giving Alice a quick glare] OK, As I am a Holy Nun of Phili, maybe the wagon will stop for me. And whilst I distract the wagon occupants, the rest of the group can tackle the wagon from behind.

Alice : And you think it's going to [emphasises] stop because you're a nun? Oh-kay!

[The wagon is almost upon the group.]

Chastity : Well, it might at least slow down as I look like a nun, and will be trying to escape the vile attentions of the Nonconfors. [pauses] That'll be you. [Looks around the group] But I'm obviously open to better ideas?

Alice : Let me get this straight, your idea is to pretend you're being chased by us? What happens if the people in the wagon decide to attack us?

Faetan : [With a glint in her eye] We'll kick their asses!

Alice : I think, Faetan, that we can safely say that they are using horses to pull the wagon.

Chastity : Fine, lets just sit here and see what they look like then! Assuming they are dressed as Nonconfors, we can copy them later.

Alice : Huh? I thought we were dressed as Nonconfors?

Chastity : [Looks caught out] Em, exactly! Just what I meant. And we should see what the people on the wagon look like so that we [emphasises] 'don't' look like Nonconfors. Ehem.

Alice : [Looks confused] Oh, sorry, my mistake.

[The wagon approaches. It is a covered, "Little House on the Prairie" type, with three people sitting on a bench seat at the front. These are YODA-MAY YODER, SAMUEL YODER and RACHEL YODER. Each is dressed in plain black and white clothes.]

Alice : [Whispering to the others] God damned Nonconfors!

Clint : Hey, the young one looks so nice I might even consider conforming!

Austin : [To Clint] Hmm, she looks so nice I might even consider copulating!

Clint : With her, right? Not me? [To the others] Are we going to flag these people down?

Harvey : [Looks at Austin, and then Clint] Now troop, you'll have no nefarious hanky panky with these people, am I understood! I still believe that sister Chastitys suggestion was by far the most meritous, so she should flag down the carriage, while the rest climb in the back.

Faetan : [Reserved nod] Yes, I quite agree. [CHASTITY steps out and starts waving to the wagon.]

Samuel : It's a Nonconfor! Shall I ride her down?

Yoda-May : [Slapping his arm] You'll do no such thing! Can you not see that she is a lady of the cloth?

[SAMUEL jams on the brakes, and the carriage screeches to a halt inches from CHASTITY.]

Chastity : Phili be blessed, some good people on the road. Thank you, kind folk, for stopping. I had feared that you may not stop, mistaking me for a Nonconfor, due to these [Makes a sweeping gesture to her white robes] awful rags I have been forced to wear. Please, tell me you are on the way to the sanctuary of Insomnia?

Austin : [Peeks in the back of the wagon and slips in if the coast is clear]

Samuel : Why, blessed be, Sister! What are you doing out here all alone?

[AUSTIN looks into the carriage, only to find that someone is holding a knife centimetres from his eye, as though they were expecting someone to look in. The others are crouched in the undergrowth, and can only see AUSTIN.]

Alice : [Hissing to Austin] How does it look?

Austin : [To the knife] Excuse me [Backs down and rejoins the others. to Alice] Sharp and pointy.

Chastity : [Unaware of events in the back of the wagon, to Samuel] I've been cruelly held captive by an evil being called Pestilence [Briefly looks to the ground and crosses herself before continuing], but a heroic party of warriors defeated him, letting me free. It was all I could do to find some clothes to cover myself in and make my way wearily towards Insomnia, where I knew I'd find refuge. [As AUSTIN backs off, a hand grabs him by the collar, and the knife goes up to his throat. Enter RANDOM TSCHANTZ, leaning out slightly from the back of the wagon, now in view as he holds AUSTIN. RANDOM is dressed in a similar fashion to SAMUEL.]

Random : What the hell are you doing? Talk quickly and quietly, or I'll slit your throat.

Yoda-May : [To Chastity] For shame, Sister!

Rachel : That is most awful.

Samuel : A terrible, terrible crime.

Yoda-May : You must feel awful not to have accepted the cruel treatment as a judgement from Phili, and to have had to rely on those awful sounding, violent people.

Chastity : Phili's judgement did not just restaint itself in my incarceration. I was given a personnal curse to burden past the walls of my captor. [Looks at the three Yoders, with a slight look of worry] A curse I can now see coming into fruition. [Quickly collects herself] In Phili's infinite mercy and wisdom. [Crosses herself again]

Clint : [Drawing his sword quietly] Looks like the lawyer's in trouble!

Samuel : [To Yoda-May] I knew we should have ridden her down!

Rachel : Oh, can we forgive her? Maybe we should ask Father Tschantz?

Chastity : Father Tschantz? [Nervously, glancing quickly towards the back of the wagon] Is he in Insomnia?

Rachel : Oh no, he's in the back of our wagon. He really is the most patient and kindest and most gentle man you could ever meet!

Samuel : Rachel! Calm yourself!

[Meanwhile, at the back of the carriage, still out of earshot of the YODERS and CHASTITY.]

Random : [Pressing the knife closer and harder to Austin's throat] I'm not a patient man, my friend. Tell me what you're doing here or I'll have your voice box cut out so fast you won't even get a chance to scream.

[Just to clarify : The party can hear what is going on at the front, but not vice-versa.]

Austin : [To Random] Be pure, be vigilant, be wise! We are trying to become confors, to follow the way of the great Prophet, Adam Torque. We are on a pilgrimage to Insomnia, where we believe Adam preaches great words of wisdom, but we have not the clothes, nor the confor knowledge to allow us to enter the city.

Random : You're a God damned liar! The truth, now!

Alice : [To the others] I'm confused. The girl said there's a preacher in the back, but if he is, why is he letting this happen? The only other alternative is that this guy is the preacher, and that's hardly the way he should be conducting himself, is it?

Austin : [To Random] That is the truth, and you should not take the name of the good, lord in vain, especially as there are children present.

Random : Your choice, moron. [Punches Austin hard with the bottom of his hand, sending him flying.]

Yoda-May : [Opening the tarpaulin covering the back of the carriage] Father Tschantz?

Random : [Turning calmly, the knife hidden and Austin not visible as he is now on the ground] Yes, my child, how may I help you?

Yoda-May : [Gesturing to Chastity] This lady appears to need our help.

Random : Yoda-May, yet again your own kindness and charity is running the risk of harming you and your loved ones. She [points at Chastity and raises his voice] she has the stench of satan, Seth and sin! It would not surprise me if the undergrowth is filled with brigands, who wish harm upon you and your good family. Drive, Samuel, drive for the Lord! Drive for freedom!

[SAMUEL revs up the horses, causing CHASTITY to step back.]

Austin : [Crawls back to the party, holding a handkerchief to his bleeding nose] Great plan, great. Trust the nun to come up with a scorcher like that. [The carriage speeds off into the distance.]

Alice : Well, he clearly thought you were lying, Austin, so maybe if you told the truth, he might have left us in.

Chastity : What happened?

Harvey : The preacher punched young Sleaze.

Alice : Hold on a second, this doesn't make any sense. The three in the front looked really prim, how come their preacher turns out to be a violent, weapon bearing thug. [Turns to Clint] Not that I have anything against violent, weapon bearing thugs, of course.

Austin : [To Alice, still nursing his nose bleed] That was the bloody truth! Well, appart from not mentioning my intentions towards the young lady in the front of the carriage, it was true.

Alice : No it wasn't! We're going in to beg, borrow or steal some item from Adam, not to follow him!

Faetan : [Steps forward to help Austin, but stops] What intentions?

Austin : [To Alice] So it's your fault then. I was fully intending on following Adam for atleast a few hours.

Alice : So it's my fault you were punched in the face? [Smiles] I can live with that.

[Another carriage is approaching.]

Clint : [Spotting the carriage] I think we need a new plan for this one.

Alice : Okay, as Chastity is a holy Nun of Phili, maybe the wagon will stop for her. And, whilst she distracts the wagon occupants, the rest of the group can tackle the wagon from behind?

Austin : [Looking at Alice] You are a genius, pure genius.

[ALICE smiles and gives AUSTIN two thumbs up.]

Harvey : As good as that plan sounds, sweet Alice, we might consider trying something different this time.

Clint : We could actually try the same trick, but then storm the wagon, once it's stopped. [To Alice] I've got to give it to you, Bimbo, you really are smart.

Faetan : So, what? Chastity distracts him, and then we steal his carraige?

Harvey : [Unhappy] That appears to be the suggestion.

Faetan : I like it!

Chastity : [To Harvey] Come now, Colonel. What are the chances of another psychotic preacher impersonator being in the back of this carriage as well?

Austin : [To Chastity, still hold a blood soaked hanky to his nose] Sadly, the chances are very high, this place is crawling with religeous nutters.

Faetan : Weeeeellllll... Maybe you could just lie in the road, Austin, and pretend you got set upon by bandits. If they're really good sorts, they'll stop to help you out. Either that or you'll just get run over. Meh!

Austin : [To Faetan, does a 'hand gun' and shoots her] Hey, I am trying to get us in there, not just sitting in the bushes waiting for someone else to get things done. How about some action from you, Ms. Once-was-Fiesty!

Faetan : All right then, what do you suggest?

Austin : [To Faetan] I'll try your idea, it might just work. Do you have something I can lie on, I don't want to get my suit any dirtier.

Faetan : [Kneels down, pats her knees] Right here, loverboy. I'll cry over you like you were my best friend in the whole world.

Alice : Hold on a second - let me get this straight, your plan, Faetan, is for yourself and Austin to have sex in the middle of the road in the hope that someone will stop? [Raises her eyebrows] I just hope for your sake that it isn't a cop who stops, let me tell you, they are less than sympathetic when it comes to dealing witih [makes finger quotes] perps.

Chastity : [To Faetan] You don't think that these incredibly Phili fearing people will be scared to stop as a warrior, such as yourself, wails away at the side of the road over a dead body?

Austin : [Sits on Faetans lap, facing her] Not quite the action I had in mind, but ten out of ten for quick thinking.

Chastity : [Looking at Austin and Faetan] Oh yes, they're sure to stop now. There's nothing that religious puritans like more than to stop and watch two complete strangers simulating intercourse at the side of the road!

Austin : [To Chastity] That's 'Stimulating', not simulating. [Gazes into Faetans eyes]

Chastity : [Shocked] What you're going to cause them to have intercourse at the side of the road?

Austin : [To Chastity, deadpan with a hint of sarcasm] Yes, of course that's what I meant, that makes so much sense!

Clint : With a cold-hearted woman, and a lawyer who's greatest sex act is working out his right wrist, I doubt the carriage will even notice all the [annoying quotes] action.

Austin : [To CLint] I don't suppose you know much about sex, with humans at least, considering you've only had sex with a human once. You do look quite accustomed to watching others perform though.

Clint : So much so, that I know this performance will fool no-one.

Austin : [Kisses Faetan on the cheek and stands up. To Clint] You may be an insane babbling idiot, but atleast you're not getting all religious about it. At the moment at least.

Faetan : [Blinks her eyes several times in shock, before holding her hands up] Hold it! All I suggested was that I pose as the shocked companion of Austin, not [goes red with anger] to have sex with him, regardless of how stimulating it may be.

Harvey : Right, Private Sleaze [looks him up and down] hrm, probably the first time I've seen you stand to attention, and, quite frankly, it makes me uncomfortable! I believe the plan was for you to lie in the middle of the road - I suggest extra embellishments, such as certain members of the party either weeping over you or attempting to procreate with you, are unnecessary. And, Private Scar, might I remind you that this is neither the time nor place for smutty innuendo. Private Sleaze, if you will, assume the position.

Chastity : [Says nothing, just looks for the wagon]

Clint : I'm sure the Lawyer's very good at assuming THE position. [To Harvey] Sorry, couldn't resist.

Alice : Wow, it must be going really slow!* [Takes out her binoculars to get a closer look] Hey! It's miles away!

[HARVEY turns the binoculars around.]

Alice : Gah! It's almost on top of us!

[The wagon is just about to round a corner.]

Harvey : You couldn't resist him once the lawyer had assumed the position? Gah! What nonsense you spout, Mister Scar!

Austin : [Looks around] What? Does anyone else want to abuse me with random accusations of inappropriate behaviour? No? Good. [Lies with his head on Faetan's lap, looking mortally wounded]

Alice : How about we cover him in blood to make it more convincing?

Harvey : Capital idea, young Alice! Do you still have some of that fake blood left?

Alice : [With her sword half drawn] Fake?

[The carriage eventually pulls around the corner, doing roughly one mile per hour. It is being driven by RANDY BOORG, who jams on the brakes.]

Randy : May the Lord see fit to stop the carriage in time!

Chastity : [Waits for the carraige to stop, takes a deep breath and launchs into her speech again] Phili be blessed, some good people on the road. Thank you, kind sir, for stopping. I had feared that you may not , mistaking us for a Nonconfors, due to these [Makes a sweeping gesture to herself and the party] awful rags we have been forced to wear. Can you help us? [Points to Austin] Our friend is in need of aid, after an unfortunate nose blowing accident.

[RANDY shuts his eyes and covers them with his hands as the carriage screeches to a halt. It stops a good ten feet away from AUSTIN.]

Randy : [Peeking through a gap in his fingers] Did I hit him? [Overjoyed] Thank the lord! [Jumps down off the carriage] Good Sister, who forced you all to wear such unholy and vile clothing? [Gasps in horror as he looks at Alice] That poor girl is wearing little more than a thick belt, exposing her calves, [inclines head slightly to help him see] knees, [inclines head even more] thighs and [is practically upside down, but takes a sharp intake of breath and rights himself] Well, it's very short, anyway. Nose blowing accident, eh? [Touches his own nose] I've been there. What happened? The little guy get a beer bottle cap stuck up there?

Chastity : [Smiling] Nothing so stupi...em...serious as that. He took a blow to the nose.[Slowly and discreetly moves between Randy and his carriage] Are you on your way to the Phili blessed sanctuary of Insomnia?

Alice : [To the others] Do we beat him up now?

Randy : [Turns and stares at Alice] Huh?

Alice : Nothing!

[RANDY turns to CHASTITY]

Alice : So, we'll smash him over the head now, will we?

Randy : [Looks at Alice again, a little freaked out, before turning back to Chastity] That's right, Sister. Off for a good bit of Churchin' up.

Chastity : [Puts her hand over her heart] Aah, it's never a bad time for a good bit of Churchin' up! It's just a shame that the city guards have to make it so complicated to get in. For some it could almost take the heavenly shine out of a perfect event. Have they stepped up their security now? What tests do they have now to keep the [makes a show of nervously looking around, and in a hushed tone] Nonconfors out?

Randy : [Looks around nervously too] They mainly do a clothing check, so you lot would want to get rid of those Nonconfor uniforms as quick as possible, and get into some proper outfits. I just wish I could give you some, but I've only got this transport wagon.

Harvey : And what are you transporting?

Randy : Freshly laundered clothing for Insomnia. [Suddenly turns to see Alice behind him, holding up a really big rock] Er, are you okay?

Alice : [Panting, but trying to sound nonchalant] Fine!

Chastity : May we hitch a ride into church with you [looks at the carriage] and your companions?

Randy : I'm travelling on my own, Sister. In fact, [laughs] it's just as well that it was people like you who stopped me, and not some brigands, eh?

Chastity : [Laughs] Yes, just as well. We wouldn't want want you to come to harm. [Smiles, glances at Alice and nods to her]

Alice : Hah! [Slams the rock as hard as she can down on top of Randy's head]

[The rock connects with a terrible noise.]

Randy : [Quite unperturbed] Yes, Sister, that would be awful.

Chastity : [Looks both horrified and confused at the same time, before quickly composing herself] I'm sure Phili's protective gaze would prevent any harm, should that event occur. [Points to Austin] Could you take a look at our friends nose. Do you know first aid?

Randy : Sure. [Collapses in a heap on the ground.]

Clint : [Looking at Randy, then Alice, then Randy again, and finally to Faetan] You're being a bad influence for her [points at Alice].

Faetan : The hell I am! If I was influencing her, she'd have used her sword.

Alice : I'm saving that for a special occasion.

[RANDY is quite unconscious.]

Chastity : [Pointing to Randy] Shall we take him with us? I feel bad about leaving such an innocent Phili-fearing person out here.

Harvey : Of course we will, good Sister. Hah! Can you just imagine what kind of brigands are wandering around here? [Laughs, but then looks slowly around the party, finishing with Alice] Gah!

Faetan : Er, maybe we should wait until he's conscious again. We still don't know everything we should about barging into Insomnia, even if we DO have the clothes. [Gestures towards the wagon]

Clint : [Climbing inside the carriage] Maybe he was a Phili-fearing person with good liquor taste? [Looks around for any bottles]

Alice : What are going to do? Torture it out of him?

[The carriage is full of laundry baskets, all of which contain Amish/Pilgrim type clothes. There is no alcohol present.]

Faetan : Buh...? NO!!! Poor guy's had enough already! 'Sides, I like his naivet-- [Notices Clint] You leave his personal property alone, we are NOT thieves!!

Alice : So we're not going try and steal his carriage? Why on earth did we go through this in the first place? I mean, other than to give Austin an opportunity to put his face in your lap.

Clint : We're not what? So why did we stop the carriage in the first place?!?

Faetan : [Fumes] He was perfectly willing to just take us in himself! And that was NOT an opportunity for--ARGH!

Alice : For "argh"?

Faetan : BAWDLEZAUS!!! [Throws hands up, stomps to check on the unconscious guy]

Alice : Okay, so now she's angry and incomphrensible. [Joins Clint in the carriage] Looks like there are plenty of clothes here, for those of us who don't mind stealing.

[RANDY is simply knocked out, and doesn't seem to be badly hurt.]

Clint : Yeah, but no liquor... [Looks at the clothes] These look awfully clean.

Alice : Don't worry, Clint. I'm sure that after wearing it for a few seconds, yours will be nice and dirty.

Chastity : [Goes into the carriage and finds a box of women's clothes. Looking at the label] Hmmm, One size fits all, 14 to 36. [Disappears behind the carriage for some privacy and returns shortly in puritan garb. To the party in general, brushing down her aproned front] Not bad at all, don't you think? Neat, practical and presentable. I could get used to this.

Alice : One size fits all? Austin, I think we've got a false advertising claim here. [Slips in and puts one on too] Hm, let's see. [Hitches the skirt right up, so her stocking tops are visible] Much better!

[Seconds later, the dress magically returns to its original size.]

Alice : Hey! [Repeats the process.]

[Once more, the dress returns to its size.]

Clint : [Continuously trying to roll up the sleeves of the shirt he chose, which keep magically extending to cover his whole arm] This is pointless!

Harvey : [Coming out of the carriage with his sleeve rolled up] Watch this, troop! [The sleeve magically extends again] Sleeve goes down. [Rolls it up] Sleeve goes up. [It magically returns to shape] Sleeve goes down. [Rolls it up] Sleeve goes up. [It magically returns to shape] Sleeve goes down. [Continues rolling it up and down] Sleeve goes up, sleeve goes down. Sleeve goes up, sleeve goes down. [Beams happily] This is great!

Faetan : [Curling her lip up in disgust at the party] Razzumfuggintwerpin.

Alice : What the hell is wrong with you? You're annoying enough when we can understand you, but this is a whole new low!*

Faetan : No, a whole new low was bopping this guy over the head and stealing his laundry. We are not thieves. [Glares at Harvey, still rolling his sleeve up and down happily]

Alice : [Folds her arms] Torturers yes, thieves no.

Faetan : [Growling] That was different.

Chastity : Tell that to the man missing a testicle! [Eventually turns to Clint] Oh, sorry. Not you!

Faetan : That was an entirely different situation. He deserved it. This poor sap would have helped us.

Alice : He deserved it? Says you! This [points at Randy] poor sap would probably have blabbed to any town guard that happened to talk to him about how he met us. Don't take the high moral ground with us, Faetan. The only real difference is that I hit him because we had no choice, you hurt that other guy because you enjoyed it.

[There is a brief, but tense stand off, before FAETAN storms into the carriage to get changed. Soon everyone is in their new, modest, clothes.]

Harvey : Sleeve goes up, sleeve goes down! [Looks to the others] Ah, we are ready. Now, what shall we do with this gentleman?

[HARVEY nods to RANDY, who is stirring slightly.]

Austin : [Helps Randy to his feet gently and slowly] Are you okay?

[ALICE grabs her rock and lifts it high above her head again.]

Randy : I - I don't know. Who - who are you? [Looks around] Who am I? [Looks at Harvey] Why do you keep rolling your sleeve up and down? [Looks at Alice] Why is she holding a big rock?

Austin : [To Randy] She thought you might be a nonconfor, but your not, I can tell. [To Alice] Put the rock down, please. [Helps Randy to his feet] Looks like you've had a bit of a fall.

Randy : But, who are you people? I don't remember anything!

Alice : [Takes a look at the name on the side of the carriage which reads "Acme Laundrette"] Why, your name is Acme Laundrette! We're your friends, and we were all going to Insomnia - there was a slight accident and Austin here bumped his nose off your head by accident.

Chastity : [To Randy] We'd all better get a move on. We can't have the good people of Insomnia going to church in dirty clothes, can we? [Shakes her head in mock shock] What in insult to Phili!

Austin : [To Alice] Is that what happened? Okay [Helps Randy onto the wagon and sits beside him to make sure he doesn't fall off] Come one citizens, lets go.

Clint : [To Harvey] When you're finishing rolling your sleeves up and down, please make sure you-know-who doesn't drive the carriage this time.

Austin : [To all] Mr. Acme here is driving. It is his task, after all. We shall keep watch for nonconfors on the journey.

Chastity : [Climbing onto the carriage] That's OK as long as Mr. [emphasises] Laundrette feels up to driving, after his head knock. --0-1095975153-1036015769=:61553

Harvey : [Shakes his head in wonder a few more times at his shirt sleeves, before turning] I say, that's rather fortuitous is it not! Your name being Laundrette, I mean. [Gets into the wagon] Now, onto

Alice : [Leans forwards slightly, waiting for Harvey to finish] Onto?

Randy : Sure, I'll drive. [Takes off his pants and puts them on his head]

Clint : [Watching as Randy stucks his head inside his pants] Hum, I'm affraid poor old Laundrette got a bit too affected by Alice's sto... I mean, the Lawyer's nose blow. Not to worry, I can drive. [Sits alongside Randy in the front of the carriage]

Alice : Hey! I thought "you know who" wasn't supposed to drive.

Austin : True, very true.

[ALICE doesn't reply, and just looks around her confused.]

--0-1562376399-1036016574=:13621

Harvey : [Scratches at a sideburn] Very well private, but just remember, take it nice and slow and try not to draw attention to us, eh!

Clint : No probs, Harv! Everyone come in, we're on our way to Insomnia! [Smiles while picking up the reins] --0-1288577405-1036017685=:53650

Harvey : Now private, you've made your first mistake and we're not even on our way yet! Carriage drivers don't smile! Alls you have to do is drive right up behind smaller chariots parping your horn, whoop and catcall when you pass girls, block the carriage way so faster carts cannot pass you and don't wash for a month. So, private, you're over qualified in some aspects!

Clint : I aim to please, Harv. But don't worry, I'll behave just like a non-nonconfor. [Starts driving the carriage] [Out of tune] Ol' McDonald's had a burger, ya ya ho...

Alice : [Hands over her ears] Oh! That sounds awful, totally out of tune! [Leans forward and bangs the stereo] There.

[CLINT immediately begins singing with a beautiful soft operatic voice.]

[Book III, Act V, Scene III. The Gates of Insomnia. RANDY, AUSTIN, ALICE, HARVEY, CHASTITY, FAETAN, and CLINT are here, having pulled up outside the gate.]

Randy : I sure can't wait until we get into Insomnia. [Time passes] Why are we going there?

[TERRY's head pops up above the gate.]

Terry : Who goes there?

Chastity : It's Acme Laudrette, with a load of properly cleaned clothing for the good people of Insomnia.

Terry : Oh, praise the Lord! We were afraid something had happened to you, we have heard that there's a vile harlot trying to waylay carriages.

Alice : [Nudges Chastity] That must be you, Sister!

Terry : Come on in, the townspeople are beginning to get panicky - some haven't changed their clothes in over nine hours!

[The gates begin to open slowly.]

Austin : [To Randy] Make haste good citizen, the townspeople's purity and cleanliness is indanger. [Almost smirks to himself] Or, it will be soon, at least.

Randy : [To Austin] Sure. [Takes his pants off again and puts them on his head]

Alice : [Wryly, to Austin] You know, Austin, there is a reason that we got someone else to drive. [Turns away, but turns back] And don't you go thinking that you're going to be given a chance to dirty up the townspeople!

Austin : [TO Alice] With you around I'd have to move fast to get a lookin.

Alice : I guess that depends on what you want to get a look into!

Austin : [To Alice] Why does it depend on that?

Alice : Because, for example, if you were to look into a very deep well with the intention of jumping into it, then it wouldn't really bother me, but there are other places that, should you consider sticking your eye, or any other part of you, into, I would definitely move as quickly as possible to get away from you.

Austin : [To Alice] And what does that have to do with sullying the good and pure minds of the townspeople?

Alice : That all depends on whether or not they would have to watch you, I guess.

Austin : [To Alice] Et tu, Alice.

Alice : Every cloud has a silver lining, Austin.

Austin : [To Alice] I love our little chats. So fortifying, uplifting and meaningfull. [Sighs]

Alice : Well, as meaningful as any conversation involving a lawyer can be!

[The party move into the centre of the town. There are two distinct groups of people, one are dressed like the party, and contains people of ages and sizes. The second group, however, all look exactly the same as TERRY, and all are dressed the same as he. Off to one side, a crowd is gathering at a stage.]

Terry : Hi Terry, how are you?

Terry : Fine. Have you seen Terry recently?

Terry : No, but I think Terry and Terry might be meeting him and Terry tonight.

Alice : [To the party] Huh?

Chastity : Do you think this is the initial connection with Torque and the shapeshifters? Perhaps he brought them in to protect the town. I'll bet they've all modelled themselves on the same town guardsman. Probably called Terry.

Austin : I wonder how big the shapeshifter-detector-device is?

Alice : [To Chastity] Maybe the town guardswoman modelled herself on them? [Turns to Austin] I think our main worry is how we're going to persuade Adam to give it to us.

[Enter YODA-MAY YODER.]

Yoda-May : Look, it's the laundry! Oh, happy day! Once we are in clean clothes we may freely mingle with the chosen ones.

Chastity : [Turns away from Yoda-May Yoder, and pulls her side hat flaps round a bit to help cover her face. Quietly to Alice] It's the woman from the first carriage. She'll recognise me if she see me.

[YODA-MAY is joined by several others, including SAMUEL and RACHEL.]

Yoda-May : Oh, thank you, Sister! [Catches Chastity, and turns her around, looking her straight in the face] You have saved us! [Hugs her]

Alice : Wow. A blind religious person. That's a surprise.

Chastity : [Aside to Alice] Never underestimate the power of freshly laundered underwear, my dear. [To the crowd, handing out som earticles of clothing. She is clearly starting to enjoy being surrounded by honest Phili worshipping people] Come gather in your fresh clothes for the praise of the exhalted one.

[The crowd press in on the carriage, clamouring for clean clothing. Enter RANDOM TSCHANTZ, somehow slipping through the crowd, and leaping onto the carriage.]

Random : [To the crowd] For shame! For shame! Control your greed! [Puts his arm around Chastity] This poor lady and her friends have just crossed unlawful territory, facing the Lord only knows what kinds of dangers. Imagine, there may even have been someone pretending to be a nun, [turns and nods at a particularly shocked looking crowd member] yes, Brother, you heard me. [To the crowd again] There may even have been someone pretending to be a nun, so her brigand friends could steal the carriage by slipping in through the back. And see here! [Gestures to Austin's bruised and bloodstained nose] This, law abiding and God fearing brother, injured as he strove to bring freshly laundered linen to you people, and this is how you repay him? With such a show of avarice? For shame!

Chastity : [Looking up to Random, in more ways than one. To Yoda-May] Who is that fine, upstanding preacher?

Yoda-May : That, my sister, is Father Random Tschantz. [Flutters her eyelids at him] Isn't he great?

Austin : [To the crowd] You all heard Father Tschantz! Show your purity and dignity by quietly forming an orderly queue, a pure queue, devoid of chaos and anger!

Clint : [Muttering to Alice] He's great at getting our disguise uncovered, if he keeps at it.

Alice : [To Clint] So, he was the guy in the back of the first carriage? Maybe he's in diguise?

Random : This stranger has brought shame upon you. You must do as he says.

Terry : Father Tschantz, Adam is about to speak.

Random : Then we had better listen, hadn't we?

[The crowd form a calm, orderly and pure queue, devoid of chaos and anger to line up in front of ADAM.]

Clint : [Still muttering to Alice] This is getting better and better. [Pulls his hat so as to hide his face from Adam]

Adam : Yes, my friends, it is true. I have defeated the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse!

[The crowd cheer.]

Adam : It is true, that my Decleration of Deviancy has been made public, so that we may all aid the chosen ones root out the sinners and evil-doers in our midst.

[The crowd cheer again.]

Alice : [To the others] Deceleration of Deviancy? Does that mean he's been declared a deviant?

Chastity : [Just finishing cheering. To the group] I don't like the sound of this. You could all be in grave danger.

Alice : [With a serious face, nodding at Chastity] Too true, Sister. Not being religious, we wouldn't know all that much about deviancy.

Chastity : I think you'll find, my girl, that not being religious, you are too immersed in it to recognise deviancy. Now please quieten yourself, whilst we see what Adam has to say next.

Alice : [Muttering] I hope he's got something more interesting to say than you do.

Adam : But, my friends, the battle has just begun! The land is wracked with evil doers and liars, who will strive to prepare the earth for the return of the Evil Ones.

[Calls of "Burn the evil ones!", "Death to the Deviants!" and "Clean Underpants!" are heard.]

Adam : However, I cannot be here to help you, to lead you in this time of need. I must go and prepare for their return, and I, my friends, will return in two thousand years to combat them!

Alice : [To the others] Hey, how does he know that they'll return?

Chastity : Well, we know they do. So at least that's consistent. More importantly, was Boddy wrong? Does Adam know about the magical device in his control and plans to use the it to send himself forward two thousand years?

Austin : [To Alice] Because he has sent them two thousand years into the future.

Alice : [Confused] When?

Austin : [To Alice] Recently.

Alice : I think you're talking rubbish.

Clint : He's not the only one. [Nods towards Alan]

Alice : True, although, you expect a crazed fanatical wierdo to talk some rubbish. [Thoughtfully] I wonder what Adam's excuse is, though.

Adam : My friends, I will sarcrifice myself! I will sleep for two thousand years, and return to save your descendents! [Takes out one of his orbs, and drops it at his own feet, causing him to disappear in a puff of smoke.]

[The crowd cheer and applaud wildly.]

Austin : [Applauding in 'golf clap' style] There goes our ticket home.

Chastity : [Clapping] He knows how to make an exit though! [Tries to start a "Phili, Phili" chant, before pausing thoughtfully] Adam already knew what the orbs did. He must have found a way to alter them. Boddy said we were looking for an item he didn't know the power of. Maybe Boddy wasn't wrong. [Resumes clapping, and building on any chant]

[The crowd continue to whoop and cheer, and some even join in with CHASTITY, but the noise slowly subsides, as they realise he is gone.]

Samuel : But, who will lead us now?

Random : [Still standing with the party] My, my, [smiles broadly at them] you folks sure know a lot of things about a lot of things.

Clint : [Whispering to Alice] I hope he doesn't mean we're to be the new leaders. Last time we were to be leaders of something, we ended up in a lunatic asylum.

[Enter THE VERMINATOR, KERSEY HAIRPIECE and PEBBLES RAMBO.]

Kersey : Make no mistake, [pause for dramatic, deep breath] we will ensure that the legacy of Adam lives on.

Random : [Still looking at the party] I think we need to talk. On Thu, 31 Oct 2002, Miguel Nicolau wrote: --0-1016757701-1036089336=:22068

Harvey : Do you indeed sir! And do you usually initiate debate by holding a knife to one of this troops throats?

Random : No, but if you want me to, I can. On the other hand, when someone tries to sneak aboard my carriage, putting me and my travelling companions at risk, I generally do. --0-975041167-1036099518=:67362

Harvey : [Beams happily] Good man, that's exactly my line of thinking! [Gestures towards Austin] Especially with such a shady looking character, what! Now, this marketplace is full to bursting, so lets find a more secluded place to have that conversation.

Random : Well spoken, sir. [Looks at Randy] Is he with you?

Chastity : He is part of the laundry service for this fair town. He's bit confused a the moment, so maybe we'd better get someone to take care of him.

Alice : How about your friends, Chastity? [Nods at Yoda-May]

Chastity : [To Alice] Unfortunately they are only acquaintances at the moment. But undoubtedly being such fine people I would gladly to call them my friends. [To Yoda-May] Excuse me. This brave man [Pulls forward Randy] has suffered a head knock whilst bringing in the clean laundry through the barbaric wilds outside the city walls. The good Father Random Tschantz needs to talk to us about work for Phili. Could you take care of him for us?

Yoda-May : Of course, we'd be delighted to help him. [Turns to Randy] What would you like, dear?

Randy : I want to put my pants on my head.

Rachel : But, they are already there!

Randy : No, I want to put all my pants on!

Alice : [To the others] Let's slip into this coffee shop before they change their minds.

[Exit the party and RANDOM into the coffee shop.]

[Book III, Act V, Scene IV. The Coffee Shop. RANDOM, AUSTIN, ALICE, HARVEY, CHASTITY, FAETAN, and CLINT are here, having just entered. The shop is quite busy, with a number of people sitting down. A waiter, BRAD BRADY, approaches.]

Brad : [With a huge, toothy grin] Well, hello there, people! Happy praying!

Austin : [To Brad] May the lord almighty, bless his name, bring purity and vigilance to you and your kindred. [Austin looks quite convincing]

Brad : Praise the Lord, and may he look out for you! Please, take a seat. [Whispers, a little loudly, to Random] Would you like a quick shot that rum, Father?

[A few people overhear, and turn with looks of shock.]

Random : [Not skipping a beat, glaring at Brad] Rum? At this hour of the day? In front of women and children? Shame on you, sir! Shame! Get us some milk and a few slices of Mom's apple pie, this instant!

[BRAD scurries off.]

Random : [Shaking his head, to the obvious approval of the people in the restaurant] Rum, indeed! [Sits down]

Austin : [To Random, looking towards Brad] I hope his happiness does not overcome his vigilance.

Random : As long as his devotion doesn't overcome his intelligence, we're safe. [Looks around the party] Okay, I know you're Nonconfors, but what I don't know is why you're here.

Chastity : [To Random]Just so we're all square, may I suggest this is a case of takes one to know one. We may ask you the same question.

Austin : [To Random, quietly and discreetly] We are from the future, sent back in time to defeat the horsemen, amongst other mission directives.

Clint : [While gazing at the bar looking for the bottles of rum] And anyway, who said we're that nonconfors? Everything's relative, you know. [To Alice] You explain him your theory, Bim... I mean, sister Alice.

Chastity : [Aside to Harvey] I wonder if this theory will involve you. [Looks to Alice with bated breath]

Alice : Right, Stinky. [Clears her throat] Okay. [Stretches] The theory is - [pauses, and turns to Clint] what theory?

Random : From the future, eh? I thought the great Adam killed the horsemen? Or, at least, sent them into the future.

Austin : [To Random] Well, the horsemen are certainly in the future. Wether Adam sent them there or not is unproven, but he may well have done, as we know he has the means to do so. In the future we fought alongside Adam against the horsemen, and Adam died in that battle, but as you know, returning from the dead is not unheard of. Of course, time travel makes everything very complicated, and we wish to return to the future from whence we came, to battle the horsemen.

Alice : You said that Adam sent them into the future, Austin. What was that about?

Austin : [To Alice] It was a hypothesis. Had the late Dr. Jerome K. Trindle, BSc, PhD. been here, I expect that he would agree that it would be a valid hypothesis. The facts are that he had the power to go to the future, and he seemed sure that they were there, so perhaps he sent them there as part of some battle plan he had.

Alice : So you were talking out of your ass? If it was a hypothesis, you should have said it was.

Random : [Gratefully accepting some apple pie from Brad] Thank you, my good man. [Whispering to the others so Brad can't hear] Now I know you're nonconfors!

Alice : [Getting her piece of pie] Can I have some cream please?

Brad : Cream? Oh, not here, I'm afraid.

Chastity : [To Alice] Mom's apple pie is everything that is good and wholesome. There is no need to add to it, it is almost Phili sent. [Looks at Brad for confirmation] Can I get my piece of pie, please?

Austin : [To Chastity] You said 'almost Phili sent', do you mean that Brad is almost Phili? Or that Brad is part of Phili? Or that Phili smells of apple pie?

Chastity : [Gives Austin tired sigh] I meant that Mom's apple pie is so good it could almost have been made by Phili, as if you didn't know what I meant.

Austin : [To Chastity] But you have'nt even tried it yet. [Eats some apple pie]

Chastity : It's reputation precedes it. [Tries some apple pie] Hmmm, lovely, as expected. Now where's that milk? I always find that I need something to drink to complement the unique taste in my mouth after munching Mom's pie.

Austin : [Looks queasy after Chastity's inscestuous comments, and stopps eating pie] It's a bit early in the day for talk like that isn't it Chassers?

Chastity : [Looks at Austin. Sniffs] As ever, Mr. Sleaze, I have no idea what you are talking about. [Quietly To Random] You're behaviour out of the public eye would suggest you are a nonconfor. I doubt very much that your presence here is as purely selfless as you make out.

[The pie is actually very bland and tasteless. Everyone now has a slice and a glass of milk.]

Harvey : Alice, you have a milk moustache.

Alice : Oops, thanks Harvey. [Wipes it off]

Faetan : But, she hasn't drank any milk yet!

Alice : So?

Random : [Smiles at Chastity] Well spotted, Sister. [Looks around at the others] However, I am here for selfless reasons, I am here to save an entire city.

Chastity : [To Random] This one? In this time?

Random : No. [Thinks] Yes.

[Enter RACHEL YODER, who spots the party, and comes up to them.]

Rachel : Well met, kind and gentle friends.

Austin : [Finding the extreeme conformity quite amusing...at the moment] Greetings fair Ms. Yoder, please rest yourself and be seated for a while. Perhaps you would like to partake in some pie?

Rachel : [Sitting down] Some pie would be wonderful. I know the Terries don't approve, but, well, we can only try, can't we?

Chastity : The Terries?

Austin : [Looks at Chastity] Oh, come now sister, wake up a little. We spoke to one of the Terries earlier on and saw several during Adams speech.

Faetan : Ah. The creepy people. [Stabs pie violently with her fork]

Rachel : [To Chastity] Sorry, Sister! That was very naughty of me, but they do unnerve me.

Chastity : Oh yes. [Pushes her plate of pie away from her] Em, this pie is so good I must have been intoxicated by its goodly homeliness. I'd best not have any more.

Alice : [Takes a taste of the pie, and visibly blanches at its bitterness] Very nice.

[One of the TERRIES comes in, causing the restaurant to quieten. He walks up to the party's table, and stands, staring at them.]

Chastity : [Looks up at Terrie] Will you please stop that staring? It is very rude, and has no place in polite society.

Faetan : [Doesn't notice, and takes a bite...then glances up and nearly chokes. With mouth full] GADS, man!!! Don't sneak up on people like that! [Wipes napkin over mouth]

Terry : [To Chastity] Nor does speaking of the chosen ones with derision. [Flicks a glance at Rachel and then to Faetan] If you have a problem with us, I suggest you leave.

Faetan : [Hunches over her pie guardedly] We're working on it.

Chastity : I wasn't being derisory, and I'm sorry if you took it that way. What may we do for you?

Terry : I was alerted to some Nonconfor behaviour, and it is now all to apparant in front of me. [Turns to Faetan] I think you had better leave.

Clint : [To Terry] She always behaves like that when she has apple pie. She just can't help it, so give her a break.

Alice : Yeah, Terry, compared to what she was like before she saw the light, she's very gentle and well behaved. I think we should all just calm down, and I've got the perfect thing. [Takes out a cheese doobie and lights it, taking a deep drag] Ah. [Smiles] Now, [with the cigarette hanging from her mouth] who else would like some?

[TERRY reaches across the table and slaps ALICE hard across the face, causing the cigarette to land in FAETAN's apple pie.]

Terry : How dare you?

Austin : [Astounded by Alice. Gasp!. To Terry ] I am very sorry, I don't know what has come over her, I really don't. [To Alice] You know very well that Cheese is not allowed. It clouds your mind allowing evil to take advantage of you.

Random : [Before any one else can speak] Indeed Alice, I am surprised at you. In fact, next you'll be putting cigarettes out in people's pie, and we all know what a terrible sin it is to waste food. [Looks at the pie, before turning to Terry] Gasp!

Faetan : [Feigns shock] Yowza, confors are so violent! You okay, Alice? --0-115438450-1036450394=:98969

Harvey : [Stands slowly while taking a glove from his pocket, turns and looks at Terry] You sir, are a craven, cowardly buffoon, who has dishonoured a member of my house! I challenge you to a duel, sir! At dawn! [Attempts to smack Terry across the face with the glove]

Random : [Grabs Harvey's hand, preventing him from contacting with Terry] Easy, my friend. [Turns to Terry] Please forgive me friends, they are new converts, and are ignorant in the ways of Adamites. They have sought me out, that I may cure them of their errant ways.

Terry : [Glances at Harvey] Hm, yes. [Looks at Faetan] Unless you are serious about renouncing your ways, you should leave now.

[ALICE rubs her jaw, glaring at TERRY, before spitting a tooth out onto the table. A shocked gasp comes over the crowd, followed quickly by a deathly silence. A few seconds later, BRAD scurries out from the kitchen, and hastily retrieves the tooth.]

Brad : Cook is so embarrassed about this, I'm terribly sorry. She ran out of glue this morning.

Alice : I think we now know who's been eating all the sugar from Mom's applie pie! [Time passes.]

Alice : [Frustrated] Mom! [Time passes.]

Austin : [Looks at Alice]

Alice : [Even more frustrated] Mom ate the sugar!

[More time passes.]

Alice : [Annoyed] That's why her tooth fell out!

Austin : [To Alice] Is that your hypothesis?

Alice : Well, either that or she had got so annoying by asking stupid questions that someone punched her in the face.

Harvey : [Turns to Brad] Is this true? Did someone punch Mom in the face?

Brad : [Thinks for a moment] Um, well, not recently.

Clint : Does she want to get punched in the face?

Brad : I don't know. I'll go check.

[Exit BRAD.]

Terry : [To Random] Just see that you keep them under control. [Exit TERRY, to the sound of much whispering from the other tables.]

Chastity : [To Clint] Why would you want to punch the hard working cook Mom? That's despicable. [To the group] Stop this madness at once. You come amongst decent people for once [Indicates round the filled tables. The people quickly look away, heads down to avoid any eye contact] and you just make a spectacle of yourselves. [Shacks her head, and retrieves her plate to take another bit of pie]

Austin : [To Chastity] I blame it on hormones. [Not a hint of sarcasm]

Rachel : Oh, Sister, to be so annoyed, you must be very pure indeed. I wish I could be more like you, it's just that I'm so terrified when any of them are around.

Alice : Too right Austin, maybe you should stop taking them.

Austin : [Looks at Alice, then looks around to see if anyone else is laughing at Alice's joke. Then looks at Alice again and eats some pie]

[ALICE looks back at AUSTIN, and eats some pie.]

Random : Wow, you could cut the tension with a pie slicer!

Austin : [To Random] Do you think you can help us return to our own time?

Rachel : [Very loudly] Return to your own time?

[Several of the other diners turn and look.]

Rachel : Isn't it a sin to even consider such a thing?

Austin : [To Rachel] Hardly, Adam himself has gone to our time, to battle evil, and we wish to do the same.

Chastity : [To Rachel] We are so devoted to Adam and his teachings, that we feel that where he is that's our home, hence my associates turn of phrase. Where ever Adam has gone into the future, [pauses for effect] that our own time.

Rachel : But it is written, only Adam may travel to the future! Father Tschantz! You must tell them they are wrong, so very, very, wrong. [Gets up] Wrong! [Walks to the door of the restaurant, but stops and looks back] Wrong! [Exit RACHEL.]

Random : You're wrong.

Austin : [To Random] Written? By Whom?

Clint : Probably by Adam himself.

Random : Exactly right, my friend. Adam has decreed that no one else try to travel in time. He even unearthed an ancient item which is supposed to be a time machine.

Alice : Time machine? Like a watch, you mean?

Random : Not exactly. It lets people travel in time - he has it hidden in his tower.

Austin : [To Random] So where did he find the Terries? Where did they come from?

Clint : But we have already travelled in time. I'm sure Adam would want us to be back to our time, so as not to cause any more trouble in here. [Pause] Just out of curiosity, where exactly is this tower you're talking about? And how do you know about the travelling item?

Random : I've made it my business to investigate it, because I want to travel in time too.

Alice : Why?

Random : Because Adam said that I shouldn't. The tower is just down the street, it was built onto his house a few months ago.

Harvey : [Taking the cigarette out of Faetan's pie, and slowly moving it away from her] I hope you don't mind, dear. [To Random] As the Private asked, where did the Terries come from?

Random : They are shape shifters, apparantly able to take any form.

[Everyone's gaze is drawn to the window, where they can see there are over a hundred TERRIES, all of whom look completely identical.]

Austin : [To Random quietly] How could you tell if someone was a shapeshifter, or human?

Random : All the Shapeshifters look like that. [Points out the window at a few Terries]

Alice : [Looks puzzled] But, if they're shapeshifters, why do they all look the same?

Random : [Shrugs] Because they can.

Clint : [To Random] But nothing stops a shapeshifter from looking like someone else, right? For example, to look like Adam himself!

Austin : [To Random] But my point is, if, for example, I was a shapeshifter, which i am not, but if I was, could you tell me appart from a human?

Austin : [To Random] Written? By Whom?

Clint : Probably by Adam himself.

Random : Exactly right, my friend. Adam has decreed that no one else try to travel in time. He even unearthed an ancient item which is supposed to be a time machine.

Alice : Time machine? Like a watch, you mean?

Random : Not exactly. It lets people travel in time - he has it hidden in his tower.

Austin : [To Random] So where did he find the Terries? Where did they come from?

Clint : But we have already travelled in time. I'm sure Adam would want us to be back to our time, so as not to cause any more trouble in here. [Pause] Just out of curiosity, where exactly is this tower you're talking about? And how do you know about the travelling item?

Random : I've made it my business to investigate it, because I want to travel in time too.

Alice : Why?

Random : Because Adam said that I shouldn't. The tower is just down the street, it was built onto his house a few months ago.

Harvey : [Taking the cigarette out of Faetan's pie, and slowly moving it away from her] I hope you don't mind, dear. [To Random] As the Private asked, where did the Terries come from?

Random : They are shape shifters, apparantly able to take any form.

[Everyone's gaze is drawn to the window, where they can see there are over a hundred TERRIES, all of whom look completely identical.]

Austin : [To Random quietly] How could you tell if someone was a shapeshifter, or human?

Random : All the Shapeshifters look like that. [Points out the window at a few Terries]

Alice : [Looks puzzled] But, if they're shapeshifters, why do they all look the same?

Random : [Shrugs] Because they can.

Clint : [To Random] But nothing stops a shapeshifter from looking like someone else, right? For example, to look like Adam himself!

Austin : [To Random] But my point is, if, for example, I was a shapeshifter, which i am not, but if I was, could you tell me appart from a human?

Austin : [To Random] Written? By Whom?

Clint : Probably by Adam himself.

Random : Exactly right, my friend. Adam has decreed that no one else try to travel in time. He even unearthed an ancient item which is supposed to be a time machine.

Alice : Time machine? Like a watch, you mean?

Random : Not exactly. It lets people travel in time - he has it hidden in his tower.

Austin : [To Random] So where did he find the Terries? Where did they come from?

Clint : But we have already travelled in time. I'm sure Adam would want us to be back to our time, so as not to cause any more trouble in here. [Pause] Just out of curiosity, where exactly is this tower you're talking about? And how do you know about the travelling item?

Random : I've made it my business to investigate it, because I want to travel in time too.

Alice : Why?

Random : Because Adam said that I shouldn't. The tower is just down the street, it was built onto his house a few months ago.

Harvey : [Taking the cigarette out of Faetan's pie, and slowly moving it away from her] I hope you don't mind, dear. [To Random] As the Private asked, where did the Terries come from?

Random : They are shape shifters, apparantly able to take any form.

[Everyone's gaze is drawn to the window, where they can see there are over a hundred TERRIES, all of whom look completely identical.]

Austin : [To Random quietly] How could you tell if someone was a shapeshifter, or human?

Random : All the Shapeshifters look like that. [Points out the window at a few Terries]

Alice : [Looks puzzled] But, if they're shapeshifters, why do they all look the same?

Random : [Shrugs] Because they can.

Clint : [To Random] But nothing stops a shapeshifter from looking like someone else, right? For example, to look like Adam himself!

Austin : [To Random] But my point is, if, for example, I was a shapeshifter, which i am not, but if I was, could you tell me appart from a human?

Austin : [To Random] Written? By Whom?

Clint : Probably by Adam himself.

Random : Exactly right, my friend. Adam has decreed that no one else try to travel in time. He even unearthed an ancient item which is supposed to be a time machine.

Alice : Time machine? Like a watch, you mean?

Random : Not exactly. It lets people travel in time - he has it hidden in his tower.

Austin : [To Random] So where did he find the Terries? Where did they come from?

Clint : But we have already travelled in time. I'm sure Adam would want us to be back to our time, so as not to cause any more trouble in here. [Pause] Just out of curiosity, where exactly is this tower you're talking about? And how do you know about the travelling item?

Random : I've made it my business to investigate it, because I want to travel in time too.

Alice : Why?

Random : Because Adam said that I shouldn't. The tower is just down the street, it was built onto his house a few months ago.

Harvey : [Taking the cigarette out of Faetan's pie, and slowly moving it away from her] I hope you don't mind, dear. [To Random] As the Private asked, where did the Terries come from?

Random : They are shape shifters, apparantly able to take any form.

[Everyone's gaze is drawn to the window, where they can see there are over a hundred TERRIES, all of whom look completely identical.]

Austin : [To Random quietly] How could you tell if someone was a shapeshifter, or human?

Random : All the Shapeshifters look like that. [Points out the window at a few Terries]

Alice : [Looks puzzled] But, if they're shapeshifters, why do they all look the same?

Random : [Shrugs] Because they can.

Clint : [To Random] But nothing stops a shapeshifter from looking like someone else, right? For example, to look like Adam himself!

Austin : [To Random] But my point is, if, for example, I was a shapeshifter, which i am not, but if I was, could you tell me appart from a human?

Austin : [To Random] Written? By Whom?

Clint : Probably by Adam himself.

Random : Exactly right, my friend. Adam has decreed that no one else try to travel in time. He even unearthed an ancient item which is supposed to be a time machine.

Alice : Time machine? Like a watch, you mean?

Random : Not exactly. It lets people travel in time - he has it hidden in his tower.

Austin : [To Random] So where did he find the Terries? Where did they come from?

Clint : But we have already travelled in time. I'm sure Adam would want us to be back to our time, so as not to cause any more trouble in here. [Pause] Just out of curiosity, where exactly is this tower you're talking about? And how do you know about the travelling item?

Random : I've made it my business to investigate it, because I want to travel in time too.

Alice : Why?

Random : Because Adam said that I shouldn't. The tower is just down the street, it was built onto his house a few months ago.

Harvey : [Taking the cigarette out of Faetan's pie, and slowly moving it away from her] I hope you don't mind, dear. [To Random] As the Private asked, where did the Terries come from?

Random : They are shape shifters, apparantly able to take any form.

[Everyone's gaze is drawn to the window, where they can see there are over a hundred TERRIES, all of whom look completely identical.]

Austin : [To Random quietly] How could you tell if someone was a shapeshifter, or human?

Random : All the Shapeshifters look like that. [Points out the window at a few Terries]

Alice : [Looks puzzled] But, if they're shapeshifters, why do they all look the same?

Random : [Shrugs] Because they can.

Clint : [To Random] But nothing stops a shapeshifter from looking like someone else, right? For example, to look like Adam himself!

Austin : [To Random] But my point is, if, for example, I was a shapeshifter, which i am not, but if I was, could you tell me appart from a human?

Random : Apparantly there is - Adam created them using, I believe, a Staff of Life Force, but he also has another item to prevent them from taking a different shape.

Random : I can't, but I'm pretty sure the item that is being used to control them can. My sources tell me that it is also stored in the tower.

Alice : You seem to know an awful lot about this.

Random : As well as being a handsome and dashing, if somewhat immodest, hero, I'm also lecture in archaeology at a local university.

Alice : Wow! That must be great!

Random : [Does a "so-so" gesture with his hand] It's okay, but the parking is a pain in the ass. On Tue, 5 Nov 2002 conor.ryan@ul.ie wrote:

Clint : How many items does the guy have? And where are all these items coming from?

Random : That's a good question, my friend. Rumour has it that the Staff of Life Force was being guarded by a group of blind idiots who lost it to the four horsemen*, but I don't know where he got the other item from. My guess is that it was left over from the Ice Age, but that's pure conjecture.

Faetan : [Looks confused] Ur...wasn't that the thing embedded in that one guy's chest, um... [snaps her fingers] what was his name... Disease or something.

Alice : Contagion.

Random : Ah! Are you lot archaeologists too?

Alice : [Dryly] No, we're idiots.

Random : You'd be suprised at how many people are both.

Alice : Are you an idiot?

Random : No.

Austin : [To Random] Well then, our interests are mutual, perhaps we should come up with a plan?

Alice : Good idea Austin. [Leans in and lowers her voice] Unless we come up with a strategy for getting out of here fast, we might have to pay for our food!

Random : True, but we also need a plan for getting at the items. I have already laid the foundation, by claiming to be an eminient preacher. Perhaps you could be part of my entourage.

Chastity : I can see no problem with that, as long as some of us can hold the role [Looks at Faetan. To Harvey] It's a shame that Dr. Trindle isn't here. Without Jerome's creative skills we'll have to find a new way into Adam's tower. Assuming it's the same tower of course!

Alice : Well, it mustn't be. The last time it was in Hysteria, which, according to Pestilence's curse, will be built over the site of his house. Of course, he also cursed yourself and Austin, and they haven't come through. [Pause] Yet.

Random : I'll be able to get us into the tower, but it is crucial that you remember the way these people behave. There can be no violence, and no aggression. We are supposed to be on a mission to consult with the Council of Three.

Alice : How many of them are there?

Random : Three.

Alice : [Nods her head slowly] And, what are they?

Random : They are a council.

Alice : And what is it called?

Random : The Council of Three. It is crucial that no one does anything to upset even one of them.

Faetan : Aw, crap... You guys might want to leave me behind on this one. [Holds up her hands]

Alice : Like that would be the first time. [To Random] Who is the leader of the council?

Random : He's called the Verminator.

Clint : [Poiting at Faetan] She's definitely not coming then.

Random : Why? Have you met before? --0-411039198-1036520546=:74232

Harvey : Adams three lap dogs? Yes, unfortunately we have met previously. And I'm quite sure they would recognise us if we meet again. Perhaps a disguise is in order, troop?

Faetan : [Goes red] I think you'd be better off if I waited outside. I'm not on good terms with Vermy. --0-411039198-1036520546=:74232

Harvey : Adams three lap dogs? Yes, unfortunately we have met previously. And I'm quite sure they would recognise us if we meet again. Perhaps a disguise is in order, troop?

Faetan : [Goes red] I think you'd be better off if I waited outside. I'm not on good terms with Vermy.

Random : Calling him something like Vermy is a guaranteed way to worsen relations. [Thinks for a second] I would guess you didn't look like you do now when you first met them - if so, you'll probably be okay, as long as no one says or does something stupid. [Turns and looks at Alice quizzicaly.]

Alice : [Who has been looking down on the floor for a few seconds, but now looks up] Sorry, I thought I had something to find down there, but I don't.

Random : This may be trickier than I thought. However, [turns to Faetan] if you don't come in, you may miss the trip to the future.

Chastity : [To Faetan] Maybe you could wear a veil, and tell the story that Phili made you so beautiful that you must cover yourself to lessen the temptation of for the good men of the town. [To Random] Although I suspect that a veil wouldn't fit into Adamite protocols.

Random : [Nods at Chastity] Sister, you certainly do have an unusually good understanding of religious oppression. The Adamites do indeed object to veil wearing, as it grants some privacy to people.

Austin : [To Random] Disturbing, isn't she.

Chastity : [To the rest of the group] People tend to do the most sinful things in the privacy of their own rooms. That is why so many religious groups live in communities, to eradicate this venue of sin from their midst. When this communial behaviour might involve [whispers] nakedness [normal voice] this is where segregation by sex is used, to remove it's connection with the sin of lust.

Alice : Yeah, right. You've obviously not spent much time in a convent boarding school!

Clint : Let's go then. About time we get out of here! [Pulls his sleeve up, only for it to magically be pulled down again]

Random : Okay. The plan is for me to present us as a team of preachers, and for you lot, well, [looks at Faetan] for you lot to behave.

[Exit ALL.]

[Book III, Act V, Scene V. Outside Adam's House. RANDOM, AUSTIN, ALICE, HARVEY, CHASTITY, FAETAN, and CLINT are here, having just arrived to the door. This is the house that where the Knights were originally set up, although it has clearly been extended. Standing outside are two TERRIES.]

Terry : Halt! Who goes there?

Clint : Err... a team of preachers? [Thinks for a moment] Yes, thats right. [More confident] A team of preachers!

Terry : You sure don't look like preachers.

Random : May the Lord strike you down for your judgemental thoughts, and may he show more mercy and insight in his judgement than you have in yours.

Terry : Well, you're okay. [Motions for Random to enter]

Chastity : May Phili boil your eyes in your own urine for your sinful pride. You seem to doubt the vetoing abilities of your brethren on the city gates and automatically place your own skills higher. As the scriptures say, "Put your trust in thine brother as you wouldst thineself."

Clint : [Quietly, to Chastity] Shh, no need to lie that much.

Chastity : [Out the corner of her mouth to Clint] Who's lying!

Terry : [Bows slightly to Chastity] You may enter, Sister.

Harvey : [To the others] Haw, this is a breeze. [Turns to Terry] You there, blessed are the um, Greek, for they will inherit the, uh, the north.

[TERRY looks puzzled, and a little suspicious, but lets HARVEY through.]

Faetan : I've been struck with the gift of tongues! Abulzah garbelbawdlezaus!

Alice : [To the others] Oh great, now she can insult people in hundreds of languages!

Terry : Gasp! [Points at Faetan] The devil has taken her!

Faetan : I have not! [Points at Terry] Woe unto him that mistakes good for evil, and evil for good! He that calleth bitter sweet and sweet bitter shall taste the fury of holy wrath!

Clint : [To Terry] No no no, that's latin. It means "those that opose Phili shall rotten in hell, and I will personally make sure that the most severe punishment strikes them". Abbreviated, of course.

Clint : Oh, so that's what that meant. Well I wasn't far anyway.

Alice : [As Terry lets Faetan through] You certainly weren't far enough away from me, Stinky! [Holds her arms up in the air] Hallelujah, praise the Lord! Let the sun shine in! [Proudly walks past Terry]

Terry : [Blocking Alice from going in] Do not taint this holy place with your unclean body. [Prods her in the stomach]

Alice : Hey!

Austin : [To Terry] The stomach of this girl appears to be pregneant, but it is extruding due to the fact that it contains three gifts from Phili. Gifts that can save the soul of three fallen warrirors, brother. One can only hope to understand why Phili put them where they are, but one thing is for sure, few would think they were anything else but a normal pregnancy, so it is a cunning and safe disguise indeed.

Terry : [Gives Alice a sceptical look] I don't know about that.

Alice : [Nodding] It's true! I'm a, a vehicle for Phili's good.

Chastity : Yes, you know, like a bicycle, or something similar.

Terry : [Doubtful] Well, okay. --0-1890129510-1036612675=:90570

Harvey : Good sir, it's the truth! She has indeed being gifted a miracle from on high!

Terry : Okay, but I'm warning you, the rest of you had better be very, very holy if you're to get through.

[The two that remain are CLINT and AUSTIN.]

Alice : Bless you, my daugh- er, son. [Tries to bless Terry, but pokes him in the eye] Oops!

Random : [To the others] Quickly, let's just go upstairs and meet the Council. --0-1945647079-1036614686=:42806

Harvey : Alright troop, best behaviour now! [Folds his hands before him and adopts the most saintly pose he can manage]

Chastity : Hold on a tick, Father Harvey, We'd best wait for the other two. We don't want a split congregation after all. [To Austin and Cliff] Come along Father Scar and Father Slea...em...Austin.

Austin : [Clasps his hands in prayer] Be pure, be vigilant, behave. Heed the words of Adam. [To Terry] May I proceed, brother?

Terry : [Tries to reach out to stop Austin, but is still blinded from Alice's poke] Enough, no one else gets in! [Grabs out wildly]

Random : [Quietly to the others] Let's just run upstairs, come on!

Chastity : [Makes her way quickly up the stairs]

Austin : [Makes his way up the stairs quietly. At the top of the stairs] Cliff? Nuts, completely nuts.

Alice : Let's go! [Legs it up the stairs too]

[RANDOM is at the top of the stairs, listening at a door.]

Austin : [Looks puzzeled] Oh, it is I that has gone mad. Father A. Sleaze B.Ed. (Hons), T.E.P., M.C.F.M, finds himself appologising to himself for hearing things that were not real.

Random : I think I can hear some fiery rhetoric from this room, this could be where they are.

[Everyone is now outside the room.]

Austin : [Listens at the door]

Chastity : [Quietly] I find it hard to believe their nerve, preaching away after their actions. I think its time to fight fiery rhetoric with fiery rhetoric.

Austin : [Quietly to Chastity] What actions? [To Random, quietly] Where do they keep the items?

Chastity : [Quietly to Austin] You know. Fighting, rough-housing, poor dictation.

Austin : [To Chastity, quietly] But to what end sister Chassers? All we need to do is find the items, do we need to speak to them at all?

Chastity : Lets hope not.

Random : We need to talk to them to find out where the items are - we're not really going to be able to sneak around the building.

Chastity : Set fiery rhetoric to stun, in that case. [To Random] Can you hear anything of use? [Strains to hear anything through the door herself]

Alice : [Also listens at the door] I can hear some kind of disgusting snuffling noise.

Harvey : [Finishes wiping his nose] Gah! My apologies, dear niece. [Also tries listening.]

Austin : [Quietly] Shall we knock?

Harvey : Good thinking, Private. It isn't as efficient as simply kicking the door in, eh? Nor as much fun, I'll wager, but, given that we're pretending to be do-gooder religious types, I suppose we had better behave.

Random : [Gives Harvey a curious look] Now, that's a strange thing to think!

Alice : Sh! I can hear something - someone's talking about a dragon, and how it attacked him. [Listens more] Then there is something that this dragon is the only thing that can harm shapeshifters. [Listens to yet more] Now someone is saying that milk sausages eat blue.

Faetan : What?

Alice : Hey! It's not easy to hear through this door, you know! --0-1411114715-1036694730=:37751

Harvey : Dear niece, I think you'll find that they said milk packages beat glue, which is quite true, what! Now, [turns to Random] as you have a wholesome reputation in this town, which cannot have gone unnoticed by these neanderthal stooges, I suggest you knock on the door, good sir. And we shall pretend to be your acolytes!

Alice : Depends on what you want to use the carton for, I guess!

Random : I shall try my special holy knock. [Knocks on the door with an ordinary sounding knock]

[The door opens, and TERRY is there.]

Terry : Yes?

Chastity : Good day to you, in the name of Phili. We are here to seek council with the council.

[In the room behind TERRY, the party can see that the VERMINATOR is addressing a crowd of about a hundred people, all of whom are TERRIES. Standing near him are PEBBLES and KERSEY. The VERMINATOR is walking as he speaks, and is limping, using a walking stick for support.]

Verminator : And then, my comrades and I ran as fast we could, so we could keep it here safely.

[There are a number of shocked gasps from the audience.]

Terry : [Irritated, to the party] Not now, the Verminator is telling us of the awful, twelve legged dragon that nearly killed him.

Austin : [To Terry] May we listen too please?

Chastity : [Looking round the six regular party members. To herself] Twelve legged dragon. Hmmm, I wonder.

Terry : You know, it really is only the chosen ones who are supposed to listen to this.

Verminator : [Looks over] It is okay, Terry, I was just finished.

Clint : [Covering his face with his hat] Oh, what a pity. We travelled so far to listen to the famous tale of the twelve legged dragon.

Austin : [To Verminator] Well, we must not falter because we missed the story. THe lords work must be done, and we should proceed without hesitation, brothers and sisters.

Terry : You have come to hear about the dragon? But why?

Austin : [To Terry] We have not come to hear the story about the dragon, for we did not know of it's telling until a moment ago whence you answered the door to our knock, brother. We seek an audience with the council of Three, praise be to the lord.

Terry : [Downcast] Oh, so you are not dragon slayers then?

Clint : We are, but that's not what we came here for. [Gives a "gotta try something" look to the others]

Austin : [To Terry] You seek dragon slayers? In the name of the Lord what a fortunate meet this is, for we are dragon slayers, though alas, we lost our equipment in a ferocious battle against two dragons some time ago. One our brothers died. This is why we are here, to find new equipment with which we may slay dragons. We heard that the great Adam was here, and hoped that he may have such equipment, but alas Adam has gone, into the future.

Alice : Yeah! We're famous dragon slayers, it's just our day off today.

Terry : [To the Verminator] Your Eminence, we have good news! The dragon that so cruelly maimed you, and forces you to hold us in subservience, could soon be dead!

Chastity : Subservience? Do you mean to say you don't do the lords work of your own volition

Verminator : Bring them to us. Everyone else must leave, except for you, Terry.

[All the TERRIES, except one, give an audible "Aww." They slowly shuffle out, until all that are left are the three, the party, RANDOM and TERRY.]

Pebbles : [Gives the party a curious look] Doan I know you?

Terry : Of course, but there are certain things that, although the good Lord would not object to, we cannot do.

Austin : [To Terry] Please inform us of the most pertinent of these things that you cannot do, that we may avoid time wasting discussions about such, things, brother.

Terry : [Annoyed] It's Sister.

Kersey : [Deep sigh] Any questions you have, you ask us.

Austin: [To Terry, blushing] Oh, gosh, please excuse me, my eyesight hasn't been quite right since a dragon punched me in the head, sister. [To Kersey] We are dragon slayers that seek dragons to slay, and equipment to slay them with, since ours was destroyed when we killed one of a pair of dragons in our last battle.

Clint : In fact, we heard rumours that you may have such equipment right here.

Kersey : A pair of dragons? That's impossible!

Harvey : Why?

Kersey : I mean, I - I would have thought it was impossible.

Verminator : We do not have any veapons here. We are a peace loving people.

[There is a knock on the door, and TERRY pops his head in.]

Terry : You Eminence, are you ready to sentance those prisoners to death yet?

Verminator : [Waving him away] Not yet.

Austin : [To Verminator] We do not need weapons, we require equipment, such as protective devices, and a miriad of other potentially useful items.

Pebbles : Doan ave any quipment.

Austin : [To Pebbles] Did Adam leave any devices, ornaments, object d'art, short stick like things or even small stones?

Pebbles : [For once sounding clear] No.

Verminator : Nein.

Kersey : [Sigh] No.

Terry : Well, he did leave that stuff upstairs.

Kersey : That has nothing to do with this.

Terry : Even the thing for scaring away dragons?

Kersey : Er, yes.

Austin : [To Kersey] To what uses do you put the stuff that Adam left?

Chastity : [Quietly to Harvey] Probably loft insulation by the sounds of it.

Chastity : [Aside, to Alice] Where's your compassion! Imagine the disappointment of the poor woman.

Austin : [Backing off from Verminator] I sincerely appologise for any unintentional insults. I merely wish to slay drgaons, so that my bretheren may not loose any more testicles, brother Clint has only one left, and you know how dragons love to eat sweet-meats.

Verminator : It is none of your business. Do not ask these questions. By your questioning, you insult us. You insult the memory of Adam. You insult my mother. [Stands up angrily] What have you got against my mother?

Alice : [Muttering to the others] Do we need anything other than the fact that she gave birth to him?

Alice : [Embarassed, head hanging in shame] Sorry, Chastity.

Verminator : What? [Pulls out a gun] Are you taking the piss?

Austin : [Jumping back] In the name of Phili, no! Brother Clint only has one! I'm sure he'd rather prove the fact than be shot!

Verminator : You're a fucking liar!

Pebbles : Ayman, doan forget, you're in charge ofchurch.

Alice : So, er, Terry, what were you saying was left behind?

Terry : A special wand, that protects the town from dragons.

Chastity : [Throws arms up in shock] In the name of all that's holy! I hope you won't be making my peaceful colleague reveal his unmentionables! There are ladies present!

Clint : I don't have to prove anything, I'm sure we're all in good faith. [To Terry] I'm sure you would like to see us slaying more dragons; that equipment upstairs would surely help us, and avoid more [quotes] accidents.

Verminator : [Shoots Terry in the face] Shut up!

Random : [Steps forward] Put the gun away. We're here for peaceful discussions.

[There is a brief stand off, as RANDOM and the VERMINATOR stare each other down.]

Kersey : [Calmly] Brother Verminator was injured by the dragon in a most egregious fashion. He is still rather sensitive about it.

Alice : [Sympathetically] Still hasn't healed eh? Just as well all the women around are dressed plainly, isn't it?

Chastity : As if there is any other way for a woman to dress, Sister Alice.

Clint : [Covering his face with his hat] Oh, what a pity. We travelled so far to listen to the famous tale of the twelve legged dragon.

Austin : [To Verminator] Well, we must not falter because we missed the story. THe lords work must be done, and we should proceed without hesitation, brothers and sisters.

Terry : You have come to hear about the dragon? But why?

Austin : [To Terry] We have not come to hear the story about the dragon, for we did not know of it's telling until a moment ago whence you answered the door to our knock, brother. We seek an audience with the council of Three, praise be to the lord.

Terry : [Downcast] Oh, so you are not dragon slayers then?

Clint : We are, but that's not what we came here for. [Gives a "gotta try something" look to the others]

Austin : [To Terry] You seek dragon slayers? In the name of the Lord what a fortunate meet this is, for we are dragon slayers, though alas, we lost our equipment in a ferocious battle against two dragons some time ago. One our brothers died. This is why we are here, to find new equipment with which we may slay dragons. We heard that the great Adam was here, and hoped that he may have such equipment, but alas Adam has gone, into the future.

Alice : Yeah! We're famous dragon slayers, it's just our day off today.

Terry : [To the Verminator] Your Eminence, we have good news! The dragon that so cruelly maimed you, and forces you to hold us in subservience, could soon be dead!

Chastity : Subservience? Do you mean to say you don't do the lords work of your own volition

Verminator : Bring them to us. Everyone else must leave, except for you, Terry.

[All the TERRIES, except one, give an audible "Aww." They slowly shuffle out, until all that are left are the three, the party, RANDOM and TERRY.]

Pebbles : [Gives the party a curious look] Doan I know you?

Terry : Of course, but there are certain things that, although the good Lord would not object to, we cannot do.

Austin : [To Terry] Please inform us of the most pertinent of these things that you cannot do, that we may avoid time wasting discussions about such, things, brother.

Terry : [Annoyed] It's Sister.

Kersey : [Deep sigh] Any questions you have, you ask us.

Austin: [To Terry, blushing] Oh, gosh, please excuse me, my eyesight hasn't been quite right since a dragon punched me in the head, sister. [To Kersey] We are dragon slayers that seek dragons to slay, and equipment to slay them with, since ours was destroyed when we killed one of a pair of dragons in our last battle.

Clint : In fact, we heard rumours that you may have such equipment right here.

Kersey : A pair of dragons? That's impossible!

Harvey : Why?

Kersey : I mean, I - I would have thought it was impossible.

Verminator : We do not have any veapons here. We are a peace loving people.

[There is a knock on the door, and TERRY pops his head in.]

Terry : You Eminence, are you ready to sentance those prisoners to death yet?

Verminator : [Waving him away] Not yet.

Austin : [To Verminator] We do not need weapons, we require equipment, such as protective devices, and a miriad of other potentially useful items.

Pebbles : Doan ave any quipment.

Austin : [To Pebbles] Did Adam leave any devices, ornaments, object d'art, short stick like things or even small stones?

Pebbles : [For once sounding clear] No.

Verminator : Nein.

Kersey : [Sigh] No.

Terry : Well, he did leave that stuff upstairs.

Kersey : That has nothing to do with this.

Terry : Even the thing for scaring away dragons?

Kersey : Er, yes.

Austin : [To Kersey] To what uses do you put the stuff that Adam left?

Chastity : [Quietly to Harvey] Probably loft insulation by the sounds of it.

Chastity : [Aside, to Alice] Where's your compassion! Imagine the disappointment of the poor woman.

Austin : [Backing off from Verminator] I sincerely appologise for any unintentional insults. I merely wish to slay drgaons, so that my bretheren may not loose any more testicles, brother Clint has only one left, and you know how dragons love to eat sweet-meats.

Verminator : It is none of your business. Do not ask these questions. By your questioning, you insult us. You insult the memory of Adam. You insult my mother. [Stands up angrily] What have you got against my mother?

Alice : [Muttering to the others] Do we need anything other than the fact that she gave birth to him?

Alice : [Embarassed, head hanging in shame] Sorry, Chastity.

Verminator : What? [Pulls out a gun] Are you taking the piss?

Austin : [Jumping back] In the name of Phili, no! Brother Clint only has one! I'm sure he'd rather prove the fact than be shot!

Verminator : You're a fucking liar!

Pebbles : Ayman, doan forget, you're in charge ofchurch.

Alice : So, er, Terry, what were you saying was left behind?

Terry : A special wand, that protects the town from dragons.

Chastity : [Throws arms up in shock] In the name of all that's holy! I hope you won't be making my peaceful colleague reveal his unmentionables! There are ladies present!

Clint : I don't have to prove anything, I'm sure we're all in good faith. [To Terry] I'm sure you would like to see us slaying more dragons; that equipment upstairs would surely help us, and avoid more [quotes] accidents.

Verminator : [Shoots Terry in the face] Shut up!

Random : [Steps forward] Put the gun away. We're here for peaceful discussions.

[There is a brief stand off, as RANDOM and the VERMINATOR stare each other down.]

Kersey : [Calmly] Brother Verminator was injured by the dragon in a most egregious fashion. He is still rather sensitive about it.

Alice : [Sympathetically] Still hasn't healed eh? Just as well all the women around are dressed plainly, isn't it?

Chastity : As if there is any other way for a woman to dress, Sister Alice.

Alice : As if, Sister Chastity! [Serious face] However, I have heard of harlots with short skirts, high heels and visible stocking tops, shocking the holy folk of Insomnia with their loose morals, loose tongues and loose [breaks off] their, er, promiscuity. [Looks at Terry] Is anyone else going to be shot?

Random : No.

Verminator : [Sitting down slowly] No.

[The door opens, and TERRY looks in.]

Terry : Is everything okay? [Sees Terry on the ground] Oh! What happened?

Verminator : Suicide.

Terry : [Clearly not believing him] Oh no. Not again.

Clint : [To Terry] Has it happened before? [Looks at Terry on the ground]

Verminator : What the Lords giveth, the Lords taketh away.

Alice : [Smiling, and whispering to Clint] He's got a lithp!

Clint : [Whispering back] So he does! [Pauses] What's a lithp?

Alice : [Looks unsure] Right.

[Enter TERRY, with a number of other TERRIES, none of whom seem particularly surprised to see TERRY dead on the ground. They are bringing in a number of people dressed in civilian (Nonconfor) clothing. The people look like normal country folk, although KELLY is with them.]

Verminator : Bring forth the unclean.

Alice : [To Clint] I don't think he means you.

Chastity : [Pointing out Kelly to Alice] But I can see their reasoning.

Austin : [Puts his hands down. Looks at the dead terry on the floor. Then at Kelly. Then to the Verminator] Please brother, show some mercy to these nonconfors, your wrath has wrought destruction once already today. Let the peace and calm of Phili fill your heart and cleanse your soul.

Verminator : [Shouting angrily] My heart is full of peace and calm!

Chastity : [Pointing out Kelly to Alice] But I can see their reasoning.

Austin : [Puts his hands down. Looks at the dead terry on the floor. Then at Kelly. Then to the Verminator] Please brother, show some mercy to these nonconfors, your wrath has wrought destruction once already today. Let the peace and calm of Phili fill your heart and cleanse your soul.

Verminator : [Shouting angrily] My heart is full of peace and calm!

Chastity : [To Verminator] What are your plans for these Nonconcors? Do you plan to give them the chance to soak in the teachings of Adam, repent their ways and convert to the greater good?

Verminator : I see. Make their punishment be getting them to prevent others from making their mistakes? Give them an opportunity to listen and learn? To become good Adamites?

[KERSEY and PEBBLES lean and the three of them have a whispered conversation. Soon after, the VERMINATOR pops his head up.]

Verminator : Nah, let's kill 'em. [To Terry] Take them to the dungeon, we will have the execution at dawn.

Kersey : [Sigh] Dawn is when we have first prayers.

Verminator : Okay, we'll do it after that.

Kersey : We cannot do any work for three hours before breakfast.

Verminator : [Impatiently] Then we'll do it after breakfast!

Kersey : But then we'll all be full, and a little sleepy. [The VERMINATOR just glares at KERSEY.]

Austin : [To Verminator] May we see the glorious item that protects this town from dragons?

[The NONCONFORs are slowly escorted out of the room.]

Verminator : You may not. It is in the safe.

[The VERMINATOR gestures at a large tapestry at the end of the room, that depicts ADAM beheading PESTILENCE. In the background of the tapestry are a bunch of people who look like the party, as well as some of the other knights, e.g. CORWYN, SVEN etc.]

Austin : [To Verminator] May we see the glorious item that protects this town from dragons?

[The NONCONFORs are slowly escorted out of the room.]

Verminator : You may not. It is in the safe.

[The VERMINATOR gestures at a large tapestry at the end of the room, that depicts ADAM beheading PESTILENCE. In the background of the tapestry are a bunch of people who look like the party, as well as some of the other knights, e.g. CORWYN, SVEN etc.]

Clint : [To The Verminator] Interesting tapestry. Who are those people pictured in the background?

Chastity : [Peering a bit at the tapestry] Hmmm, the needlework is a bit sloppy, but at least Adam has observed the standard church guidelines for depicting important historical events.

Verminator : [To Clint] Um..

Kersey : [Picking up a huge book, opening it and reading from it] Murderers, thieves and whores, spat up by Seth himself, such was their overpowering evil. And yea, did they attempt to stop Adam and his followers, by setting their fearsome and ferociously ugly dragon on them.

Alice : [Standing beside Chastity, and looking at the blonde woman in the picture, who is eating a puppy whole] And these guidelines are?

Chastity : [Thoughtfully] I think the exact wording from the chapter "Decorating the place of worship", Paragraph 4, subsection 6c, says "Bugger the facts, make the church heroes look good."

Alice : [Looking suspiciously at the likeness of a bare chested, handsome and dashing looking Adam] Yes.

Verminator : [To the party in general] Do you have any other business here? I am quite sure that the dragon is now long gone.

Austin : [To Verminator] We need to see all of the other items that the prophet Adam left. It is indeed good that the dragon has now gone, but how do you know? Have your Terries been tracking it? That was some pretty flashy leadership thinking, it's no wonder Adam left you in charge.

Verminator : Not the Terries, some other adventurers. The dragon has a particular liking for Terries, and special, er, magical powers to kill them at a distance.

Alice : Why don't they just get really close to him? That way he wouldn't be able to kill them.

Verminator : It works close up, too. [Turns to Austin] However, only the Council of Three are permitted to view the items that Adam left behind.

Clint : [With a very slight hint of sarcasm] Who are the Council of three?

Verminator : You are supposed to be a preacher! You are clearly not. You are a liar. A cheat. A fake. You must be killed. You and all like you.

[Everyone draws their weapons.]

Random : Steady on, I think he meant it philosophically. As in, who are you, really. What are your favourite hymns, that type of thing. --0-2024961830-1037039055=:92638

Harvey : That is exactly what our venerable brother meant, holy fathers, what! For how else are your people to follow your example, when so little is known of their leaders!

Clint : I am a preacher, therefore I preach. To preach, I must know my leaders intimately, so as not to spread lies. [To the Verminator, with a very small hint of sarcasm] I'm sure you want all your followers to hear the thruth about you, and not some made-up lies. --0-598963995-1037045676=:77703

Harvey : [Nots at Clint] Indeed, brother, tis so. I'm quite sure that Adam would only want the truth, the holy truth, and nothing but the truth spread throughout the land!

Chastity : [Quietly to Harvey] Em, not if they are following standard church guidelines. I think the exact wording from the chapter "Building a respectful following", Paragraph 2, subsection 7a, says "Bugger the facts, make the church leaders look good."

Alice : [Shocked] "Bugger the facts"? Does the word bugger appear often in church guidelines? I mean, for example, under preachers getting to know their leaders intimately, is the word bugger used there?

Chastity : The guidelines were written up in haste in the early days of the church, by Saint Derek the Terse. He wasn't allowed to author anything else after that book, although he did try and draft a Crusades guideline book called "Non-believers? F*ck 'em". [Pauses for thought] I think what you are referring to may come under the good book's commandment, "Thou shalt not covet thy neighbour's ass"!

Austin : [Looks at the others babbling. To Verminator] You appear to have upset them somewhat. See how they babble incoherently, brother. Surely we must pray for their salvation! [Gets down on his knees and pray in a whispery way]

Clint : I think we should do our job first. We are dragon slayers, by Phili! We must find the remaining dragon, and slay it with the tools Adam has left.

Alice : [To Chastity] I suppose it could go some way to explaining the high level of intermarriage during and immediately after the crusades. [Looks at the kneeling Austin, before glancing at the Verminator] You'll have to forgive novice Austin, Verminator. He has recently been converted from being a sexual deviant Nonconfor of the worst sort, and is yet to be able to determine the difference between babbling and religious discussion.

Kersey : Understandable. [Pause] I mean, outrageous! Outrageous!

Verminator : [To Clint] I will say this for the last time. Adam's artifacts will not leave this building.

Alice : [Whispering to Clint] If it's the last time he's going to say it, maybe you should ask him again?

Chastity : [To Verminator] Ok, can we at least see them, for reference.

Austin : [Finishes praying. Stands] Yes, why don't we have a quick look at the artefacts of the prophet and then get on our way. Lets these good brothers get on with executions and the like.

[The THREE have a brief discussion.]

Kersey : [Deep sigh] Okay. You may look at the objects, but you may not touch them.

Pebbles : Ifanone somuchas touchesem I'll killem.

Austin : [To Pebbles] Your purity and devotion are admirable, brother. What an excellent example you set to your peers. Please lead the way.

Alice : [Whispering to Chastity] Gosh, I didn't think a church this conservative would let homosexuals in!

[PEBBLES lifts the tapestry, revealing a small door, which he unlocks.]

Verminator : Brother Pebbles will unlock the safe, while the rest of us wait here.

[PEBBLES goes through the door.]

--0-186621650-1037115627=:94237

Harvey : [Bows to the three] How wise and selfless you are to show the holy artifacts, what! artifacts, what!

Austin : [To Alice] Why? Have you recently become a lesbian? [Looks at Alice, then catches Chastity's eyes] Eeeew! Pardon me, I didn't know.

Clint : I can't hardly wait in antecipation. To see Adam's artifacts!

Alice : [To Austin] Although it is true that if you were the last man alive, Austin, that I probably would turn to that side, the fact is you clearly know that wasn't what I meant. [Sniffs haughtily] One would think that when you're in a church that shows such tolerance and understanding to you people, that you would attempt to reciprocate by showing at least some shred of civility.

[PEBBLES returns, and opens the door.]

Pebbles : [Muttering] Flowme.

[The VERMINATOR and KERSEY make to follow as well.]

--0-1481180924-1037116219=:60496

Harvey : [Glares at Austin for a moment, before turning back to Verminator] I say, quite a responsibility the great and good Adam has left you, isn't it? You three chosen to tackle any dragons which attack the town? Truly, you are worthy of his trust in your courage, willing to make the ultimate sacrifice! To give up ones life for his townspeople, you will long be remembered for being the first martyrs.

Clint : Only Adam himself can be compared to the greatness of the Coucil of Three! [Follows Peebles inside]

Austin : [To Alice] I know what you meant, but as you well know I am not a homosexual. Perhaps you are to stupid to remember that. --0-2024731253-1037116823=:96995

Harvey : [Quietly to Austin] Hush now private Sleaze, before you blow the ruse, eh!

Chastity : [Following Clint in] You mean a sort of holy three in one. Brilliant! We could call the symbolism a Holy Trinity, or something!

Clint : Yeah. I think the French call it a menage a trois.

Chastity : [Shudders] I don't think we can bring something as evil as [Puts on a bad french accent] menage-ment [normal voice] into the church. There's enough paper work as it is![Tries to look past Peebles to see what's in the safe]

Alice : [To Austin] Maybe you are too stupid to realise that no one believes you.

[Enter the party, the VERMINATOR and KERSEY upstairs. The staircase leads to a small, 10' x 10' room, with a thick metal door, into which everyone is crammed. There appears to be a sheet of glass for one wall, and inside it are what appear to be a sun dial and a wand.]

Clint : [Pointing at the sun dial and the wand] Ah, the beauty of religious artifacts. [To Kersey] What exactly are those anyway? --0-1139131620-1037117872=:8794

Harvey : Looks at the sundial and then at his watch I say, I don't think your sundial is working, what! [To Alice] Tsk! Probably bought in some far flung eastern market, no doubt!

Kersey : [Dramatic sigh] The wand is the, er, wand of dragon slaying, and the other one is known as Adam's Mysterious Object.

Alice : [To Harvey] I don't think so, look it says "ROLLECKS" on the sundial, so it's got to be real. [Looks a bit closer, and jumps back, surprised] Hey! What's such a naughty word doing on a religious item? --0-1783271706-1037118697=:8278

Harvey : The great and good Adams Mysterious Object? What is so mysterious about it?

Faetan : [Obviously straining to keep quiet]

Alice : [Notices Faetan's strain, and whispers to her] If you need to fart, make sure you wait until we're out of this little room!

Kersey : That's the mystery of it! --0-1843131017-1037119696=:15878

Harvey : [Turns to Faetan] Better out than in, me girl! [To Kersey] Intigue indeed, good sir! I believe I saw a similar item once, except those heathens called it a Bloody Obvious Object!

Verminator : Savages.

Alice : Surely you should have something better than a pane of glass guarding it?

Verminator : That is no ordinary pane of glass, only a fool would try and touch it.

[ALICE, who was just reaching out to poke it with her finger, stops and turns to face others.]

--0-1826802109-1037120949=:13452

Harvey : Why bother with the glass when the thief will be damned to Hell immortal, good sirs? What kind of punishment from touching the glass could match such damnation, what?

Kersey : The glass isn't there to punish people, it is to prevent them from stealing the items. Although, who would be stupid enough to try and get into the town, then into this building, then through the safe, and then through this? [Juts his thumb back at the glass]

Alice : [Indignantly] Not us! [Calms down] I mean, I don't know.

Faetan : [Growls faintly at Alice and folds her arms]

Alice : [Looks back at Faetan sympathetically] It's coming? --0-909301329-1037122563=:30066

Harvey : [Laughs] Ha, woe unto the fool who would attempt such a task! Although, I'm surprised you'd need such protection, good sirs! Who in their right mind would attempt to take on the very people [indicates the three] placed here in this morally upstanding town, whose job it is to kill a dragon! Possessed by the devil, they'd have to be!

Random : As a matter of interest, how do you open the glass, in case a dragon comes in?

Verminator : Er, we don't need to open the glass, because a dragon would be too afraid to come in. --0-1214117233-1037123026=:30092

Harvey : [Rubs his chin, then remarks loudly] Hmm, but brothers! What if the dragon were possessed by the devil, what! Then the natural fear the dragon would feel would be overpowered by it's demonic possessor! [Throws his hands in the air] Oh woe!

[Each of the three look at each other for a moment.]

Verminator : [Quickly] Can't happen!

Kersey : The power of the rod is such that any dragon would be terrified. However, in the case of an emergency, we can open the panel by entering a secret combination on the keypad hidden behind you. --0-1315639024-1037123597=:30198

Harvey : [Confused] Behind me? But what if I'm not in the room and can't be found? We're all doomed!

Alice : It's quite simply, Harvey. They just go to wherever the keypad is, and voila! There you'll be, right in front of it.

Clint : [Trying to take a look at the keypad] So much in front of it, that no-one can see the bloody keypad. [Pause] I mean, just to make sure that it hasn't been tampered with.

Verminator : [Squeezing behind Harvey, and opening a little panel] See? It is perfect!

[The keypad is a normal, ten digit affair.]

--0-964775343-1037125377=:77999

Harvey : Well, thankfully brother, [turns to face Clint] we will never need to have to look for the keypad! That task, should it ever become an unfortunate eventuality, lies in the hands of our three sainted heroes!

[TERRY calls up from the door at the bottom of the stairs.]

Terry : Is everything okay?

Verminator : Fine. [To the others] We had better return. --0-493147090-1037126314=:44719

Harvey : [Nods his head] Thank you so much for showing us these artifacts! I feel most blessed and by the good saints, shall flog myself with my birch doubly hard tonight, eh!

Verminator : It is our pleasure. Please, leave quickly, we have much to prepare for the torching of the nonconfors. --0-1932184222-1037185075=:86446

Harvey : Indeed so! [Takes one look at the keypad] Let us just hope and pray, brother, that the combination will not fall into the evil ones hands, what! For imagine the consequences should such a thing happen.

Kersey : I can assure you, brother, that no one outside of the three of us knows the combination.

Verminator : [Laughs] We made sure we put the locksmith to death once it was installed.

[The three laugh.]

Random : [With a thin smile] Did you take the precaution of killing his family too?

Verminator : Oh, yes.

Random : And any one he was close friends with?

Verminator : But, of course!

Random : And did you check to see if he had a long lost brother that he hadn't seen for twenty years?

Verminator : Actually, no.

Random : [Smiles] I'm sure there was no need.

Chastity : My, how thorough you three are! I presume it was a nonconfer locksmith whom installed the lock?

Kersey : Unfortunately not. [Big sigh] But I'm sure now that he sits with Phili, he appreciates his sarcrifice.

Alice : [Clearly troubled at the killing] Did you kill his pet chicken too?

Verminator : Yes.

Alice : But why? What harm could the chicken possibly have done? Why did you have to kill him.

Verminator : [Shrugs] Because I hate chickens. --0-1284081045-1037186281=:22407

Harvey : Unless honey roasted and sprinkled with fine herbs, what! [Stomach growls loudly]

Alice : [Turns to Faetan and hisses] Will you stop doing that?

Kersey : For shame, brother! We do not speak of herbs and such illegal drugs in Insomnia.

Verminator : I think it is time to go. --0-1167168814-1037188259=:97987

Harvey : [Bows to Kersey] I am all ashame, brother! I shall triple, nay, quadruple my birch flogging tonight to atone.

Austin : [To Harvey] Brother, may we pray infront of the gifts Phili gave to Adam, the great prophet, that he might leave them here to protect us from dragons [Kneels and prays] Oh holy, holy, holy Phili, thou art so great. Thank you for these gifts, glorious thou art. Humble are we in the presence of your greatness, and may your glory protect us, your humble servants, and Adam your holy prophet, in times of danger. [Stops, and looks at the others] Why aren't you praying?

Chastity : [Mouth hanging open] Because you are, and I think I've gone into shock.

Alice : [To Austin] Because you are so great at being humble, we are humbled merely by watching you humble yourself.

Verminator : We're going to have to close up now, you can go to the church to pray some more.

Austin : [Nods at the Verminator, and finishes praying] And with Phili's grace may these good brothers, three, never forget the combination to the sundial and wand door lock. [Stops praying and stands up ready to leave] Ok, let's go.

[Exit ALL, except PEBBLES, to the main room, which is still full of TERRIES.]

Verminator : [To the party] Heed the words of Brother Adam, Be Pure, Be Vigilant, Behave!

[Exit the party.]

[Book III, Act V, Scene VI. Random's Hotel Room. RANDOM, AUSTIN, ALICE, HARVEY, CHASTITY, FAETAN, and CLINT are here, having just arrived in. The room is very bare, with just a bed and a barred window.]

Alice : [Looking around] Wow, these Confors aren't too keen on comfort, are they?

Faetan : Bah! Comforts are for the weak!

Alice : [Tuts at Random] Then you shouldn't have booked by the day, should you? --0-1015766752-1037195531=:28034

Harvey : [Looks around with distaste] By the saints, last time I was in a place like this, it was rented by the hour! [Turns to Random] That question you asked, sir, about the long lost brother. Was there a reason for it?

Austin : [Looks at Alice incredulously, then sits on the bed] Well it was certainly a miracle that they believed we were confors.

Alice : [To Harvey] Wow, you too?

Random : Curiousity. [Takes out a hip flask and takes a drink]

Clint : [To Random] You wouldn't mind sharing some of that, would you? --0-623116159-1037195976=:9485

Harvey : [To Alice] Indeed me girl, when you're staying in a war torn village, it's rarely prudent to pay in advance for a place which mightn't exist after our next bombing run! Gah, the number of fancy hosteliers to fall victim to friendly fire! [Scratches a sideburn and looks at Alice suspiciously, before turning back to Random] Just curiousity? Are you by chance the locksmiths long lost brother?

Random : [Hands it over] Sure. [Turns to Harvey] Indeed I am. [Looks around at the others] And now you all know my particular reason for being in this town. I'm going to kill the council of three.

Chastity : [To Harvey] Goodness Colonel, Random being the locksmiths long lost brother, why, that would be a very long shot indeed! A miracle, infact! --0-1147524364-1037196979=:51212

Harvey : [To Chastity] Halejulah, I believe is the phrase, sister! By the saints Random, I'd be glad to help! They murdered all of those innocent people just to keep the combination secret, absolutely abhorrent!

Clint : [Downing the hipflask] More of a random event, really.

Alice : [Raises her hands high] Hallelujah, praise the Lord!

[Some passers-by hear her, and join in.]

Passers-by : You say it, Sister! Praise the Lord!

Random : Not random at all. I came here with the express purpose of killing them. When I saw you lot in the town, I knew you had to be some way resourceful, despite failing to get onto the carraige.

Chastity : [Glares momentarily at Faetan and Austin] Well, the less said about the whole carriage fiasco the better, I think! One in the lap is worth two in the bush and all that nonsense! --0-1597320730-1037197488=:36691

Harvey : Well, should we start with helping that family you rode in with? I can't abide to side by and think about those poor people being put to the torch!

Random : They are fine - it is the other innocents that we need worry about.

Clint : And what do you suggest we do to protect them? --0-743743843-1037198468=:18848

Harvey : Okay lads, we need a plan of action to help these people and help Random get revenge on, what was your brothers name?

Chastity : And don't forget the ladies, Colonel. Perhaps we should set up a human chain, passing buckets of water from the well to the bonfire, thereby dousing it and saving those unfortunate people?

Austin : [To Harvey] Well hold on there a minute Colonel, brother [Smirks] What about Kelly and those others who are to be put to death? Should we not rescue them? Last fro mDom #13

Clint : I believe Random was indeed talking about saving them, not the confors. --0-268128079-1037200368=:84118

Harvey : That's who we are talking about, private Sleaze! By the saints, I do wish you'd pay attention, what! And stand to it also, slouching there in the corner! Egads!

Austin : [Huffy] Well why didn't you say so then! --0-1786658276-1037202257=:62438

Harvey : We did. Numerous times, private Sleaze! Perhaps if you spent more time actually listening to what we say, and less time trying to come up with snide retorts to imagined conversations, we'd all be in far better shape, sir!

Clint : [To Harvey] Actually I'm not sure what does that have to do with being in shape, but if it's something against the lawyer, then I agree!

Chastity : [Exasperated] People, while we're standing here quibbling, people are dying! Stop this now and let's work together, under the guidence of Phili, and work out a plan of action.

Austin : How about, kill the council of three, get the punch code number, get the wand, kill the terries, rescue Kelly and the others. Get some new clothes. Return to the future. Go shopping for some new clothes. How's that for a plan?

Clint : Sounds good. Change clothes for liquor and it sounds perfect! --0-1127838354-1037205718=:7117

Harvey : Sounds good apart from the shopping. Oh, and let's be careful with the three, as it's quite possible that they have memorised the code, and not written it down anywhere. If we kill them, then we run the risk that we'll never find out the code.

Alice : [Clearly hasn't been listening] Shopping sounds like an excellent idea Austin! [To Clint] You don't really need to change clothes for drinking Clint [goes all thoughtful] although, sometimes you need to change after, you know, when they're covered in urine, vomit, someone else's blood, that kind of thing.

Random : My brother's name was Certain, and it is good that we're going to work together. [Looks at Chastity] Sister, the good people aren't dying yet, they have another three hours. [To Austin] I know the code number, so there is no need for you to kill the council for it. You can leave them for me. However, nothing can be done until we find some way of combating the Terries.

Austin : [To Random] Well, that what we are doing here, we came back in time to get the wand, we believe that it can help us against the terries, and that the sundial can send us back to the future.

Chastity : [Whispers loudly to Random] I know that, I was just trying to stop the boys from killing each other. Yet again. --0-1740252974-1037207865=:38641

Harvey : You know the code, well that is fortuitous indeed sir! [Snaps a salute at Random] Now, as for these Terries, how do you combat hundreds of identical creatures? A flaw in one means a flaw in all, so perhaps we should try to find that flaw.

Alice : If the Terries are shapechangers, why do they all look the same? And why are they all called Terry?

Chastity : Lack of imagination, perhaps?

Alice : Yes, I suppose that would be the norm for religious types. And why do they all look the same? And why are they working for those losers?

Chastity : Actually, Alice, I was referring to you, not answering your question. --0-752530293-1037208910=:6575

Harvey : I presume the original Terry must have worked for Adam, and somehow upon multiplication, they retained their loyalties to Adams group.

Alice : [To Chastity] Oh, fair enough. [Pause] So, tell me, sister. Is it a real bad sin to tell a lie?

Random : Maybe, but they seem almost afraid of them.

Chastity : [Pause] Not when it's justified in the eyes of the Lord.

Alice : Oh. [Smiles warmly at Chastity] Don't worry, I'm sure he won't mind you having done it this once.

Chastity : Hmmm, what do the scriptures say, remove the forest from your own eye, before pointing out the splinter in someone elses? [Smiles warmly back at Alice] And besides child, we as a group have lied, cheated, stolen, robbed and probably broken about every commandment, even the one about coveting our neighbours asses [eyes flick towards Austin], but all in the name of good, so I'm sure Phili will turn a blind eye. [Thinks and looks very worried]

Alice : [Nods in agreement at Chastity] Oh, I'm sure he will too. And I'm sure that twisting a comment into an insult to one of the more beautiful party members is as good a reason for lying as, oh, I don't know, trying to kill Pestilence, or defeat the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.

Chastity : [Titters girlishly] Why thank you Alice, and I accept your apology.

Alice : So now, on top of bearing false witness, we also have the sin of vanity. --0-789284048-1037212186=:33218

Harvey : [Exasperated] Ladies, please! Can we stick to the task at hand and work out a way of stopping the Terries? Please?

Alice : Oh, that's what we were doing, Harvey. You see, it was okay for Chastity to tell a lie then, because [thinks for a second] hm, I don't know why, all I know is that she did.

Random : We need something to scare the Terries - any ideas?

Faetan : Dragons. Or perhaps we could make up a giant wooden dragon contraption of some sort...dunno. [Looks around]

Austin : [To Random, looking up from manicuring Maplin] Did you say that the Terries are scared of lies? Perhaps they have no sense for the con and are unable to work out if they are being duped or not? Faetans giant wooden dragon might just scare them all to death. [To Chastity] Or perhaps I could bugger them all to death.

Clint : If they're scared of lies, all we need is to have you with us, lawyer.

Chastity : Such is your level of sinfulness and depravity, Lawyer, it wouldn't surprise me if you would enjoy such an act.

Random : [To Austin] I don't recall saying anything about lies, but the idea of a fake dragon could be useful. They said something about a twelve legged dragon - so maybe that idea could work?

Chastity : But where would we get such a thing, Father Tschantz, if, indeed, you are a real priest.

Random : Oh, I am a real priest.

Alice : So why are you so much against the three then? I mean, other than the fact that they killed your brother, his family, his friends and his pet dog. [Thinks] I suppose I've answered my own question really. [Thinks again] Although, what was the question?

Random : Not all priests are power crazed fanatics. I'm one of those who think that priests should help people, not use them.

Austin : [To Random] You may wish to change 'one of those' for 'the priest'.

Random : You may wish to believe that, but you know it isn't true.

Austin : [To Random] Indeed, but the Reverend C. Brown is a long way from here, probably not even born yet, and although Father Fonze is, as yet, unborn, he is also dead. Unless there are other honest priests around here?

Random : None that I know personally, but just because they are afraid to speak out, they are not necessarily dishonest.

Austin : [To Random] Well, I'm not so sure about that. I guess it depends on wether or not they spend their lives hiding, speaking out, or cunningly doing something about it, after all, a cunning priest is better than a dead one.

Faetan : You remember those really old antique dragons they marched around in parades, with the big fierce head that winked excessively? I think we could manage making one of those. Hell, maybe this is something that sparked that tradition!

Clint : Anyway, you're a servant of Phili that kills for supposedly good reasons. [Looks briefly at Chastity] You're definitely not the only one, then.

Chastity : Phili's army is mightier than you imagine, Mr. Scar.

Alice : [To Faetan] I know what you mean, all we need are some streamers, a lot of toilet roll inserts, some crepe paper and a really big ugly head. [Smiles at Faetan, before getting serious again] Where would we get such a thing, I wonder? --0-1378107111-1037297980=:52672

Harvey : Hmm, and hmm indeed, dear niece! Where could we get a false dragon? I'm quite positive that we'll find nothing of the sort within this town, for surely Adam and his lapdogs would have gotten rid of it already. Random, do you know of any communities here abouts who celebrate parades with such a thing?

Alice : Do you think they've got rid of all the toilet roll inserts too?

Random : None that spring to mind, but it should be possible to make one ourselves if we could get at some raw materials.

Faetan : Right, we'd better get started on that, then. We don't have much time, and it's gotta be done before they execute those guys.

Chastity : I seem to remember that there were an awful lot of materials, crepe paper and sewing items back at the camp. Maybe we should got there?

Alice : What was all that stuff doing there?

Chastity : I believe Peter was using it.

[Exit ALL, back to the camp, using the YODER's carriage. It is exactly as they left it.]

Faetan : [Looks around, scratches her head] So what was Peter doing with all this--nah, never mind, I don't think I want to know.

Clint : [Looking for the toilet roll inserts] I do!

Alice : Oh, give over, Faetan, I bet it was something innocent. [Pulls back some tarpaulin to reveal a life size paper mache model of a woman, dressed in clothes that bear a startling resemblance to Alice's normal outfit, and which is wearing a blonde wig] Hey!

Faetan : [Slowly edging away from Clint to peer at the model] That can't be Peter's, he's a cakeboy!

Chastity : It doesn't matter what kind of desserts he likes, of course it could be is. Look, it's skin texture is even nicer than Alice's! [Rubs the hard paper]

Alice : [Gives Chastity her cross look] He probably didn't have enough hair to do yours. --0-1461682108-1037315082=:79091

Harvey : [Picks up some crepe paper] By the saints, troop, I must admit that I don't have a clue when it comes to arts and crafts. Now a good war, I'm your man, but this...[leaves the paper drift away in the wind]

Clint : [To Harvey] Oups, sorry for the wind Harv. I've a tummy ache.

[A wind-blown whistling noise seems to come from Peter's doll]

Chastity : [Holds the doll up-side down for closer inspection] Well at least we know where Peter used at least two toilet rolls for in his doll. I should have known that he would want to make his creation anatomically correct. [Rights the doll and pats the it on the head, happily shaking her head] The old perfectionist!

Alice : [With horror] Anatomically correct? [A piece of carelessly discarded crepe paper suddenly blows back and hits her in the face] Pf! Gah! [Throws it to the ground]

Chastity : Yes. So it appears. [Turns the doll head downwards] He's put these two rolls in here...[almost puts her fingers into the rolls, located around the groin area, pauses, looks at Alice, then at the rest of the group before quickly pulling her hand back awkwardly ] Erm...yes...em...here! [Holds out the doll, tubes facing towards Alice]

Alice : Look, this is just wasting time [Pulls back the rest of the tarpaulin, to reveal a huge vat of paper mache] How about we try and make a dragon's head. I'm really artistic, you know. [Time passes, unbearably slowly.]

Alice : [Petulantly] Fine. Let someone else do it, so.

Chastity : Come now, dear. Lets get on with it. [Rolls up her sleeves] With your artistic skills, and my knowledge of holy illustrations designed to put the fear of Phili up people, we should manage to work something out. [Steps up the vat, and plunges her hands in to collect some paper mache, just as her sleeves magically roll back down again] Oh, dash it!

Alice : [Watches the sleeves roll back] I had forgotten about that. Self fixing and self cleaning clothes. [Picks up some ink and splashes it over the front of her dress] Cool!

[A few seconds pass as ALICE realises that the ink isn't going to magically disappear.]

Alice : Hey!

Chastity : Maybe it's just as well we'll be disguised as a dragon when we next try to enter the city. The state our clothes will be in. [Starts to squish together layers of paper mache] If someone could make a frame to lay this over, or maybe a large balloon, as that's traditional!

Harvey : Ah, cracking stuff, Sister! [Looks around for a few moments] All I can find are these long ones sister, will they do?

Chastity : I suppose, if they are bound together. [Quickly points to one dishreveled "balloon" on the ground, showering paste everywhere] Not one, Colonel. It already seems to have some wallpaper paste in it. You wouldn't want that in your mouth, would you!

Harvey : [Laughs] Oh, Sister, no! I'm sure that would be awful, can you just imagine what that tastes like, Alice?

Alice : [Quickly, loudly and indignantly] No! [Calms down] I mean, [casually] no.

Harvey : [Blows up one of the balloons] Mmm, it tastes just like strawberry!

[ALICE cringes, and makes to say something to HARVEY, but thinks better of it.]

Chastity : Is there anything we can use for teeth, eyes, or horns lying around? Something to genrate smoke would look good as well! [turns back to the paper mache vat]

Clint : I've an idea for the fire coming from the dragons mouth. I can fart whenever I feel like. [Pause] [Fart] See? So someone could light a match close enough, and we have a fire breathing dragon! [To Austin] Someone other than you, that is. Wouldn't want you too close to my behind.

Chastity : Hmmmm, a dragon with the most awful halitosis. That should be enough to scare anyone. Although maybe some sort of piping system will have to be used, otherwise one pair of the dragon's feet will be backward!

Alice : [Looks down at Clint's shoes] Are you sure that was a fart?

Clint : [To Chastity] There'll be no pipping near my behind, Chassers! [To Alice] Sure. [Pause] [Fart] See? It's a kind of magic.

Alice : [Staggers slightly, going slightly green] Magic, you say? I think Chastity is right - what kind of dragon has backward feet? Anyway, think about the person behind you, the only thing worse than having one's face pushed up against your smelly bottom would be having it pushed up against your smelly face!

Chastity : Pipping? I don't think we want to hear about the handling of seed around your posterior! Lets just concentrate on the special effects and costuming.

Alice : What special effects do we need? Will it be necessary for it spit fire? What happens if we set fire to ourselves?

Chastity : Sound is also a special effect. Who's going to make the dragon's roar, or are we constructing a mute dragon?

Alice : Hm, good point, Chastity. [Rubs her chin, thinking] Now, where can we get someone that can growl?

Clint : [Looking from Faetan to Harvey's stomach] I don't know which one will be more appropriate.

Alice : Maybe they could do a duet? [Picks up a string bag] Hey! Maybe we can put the smoke in here, from Clint's cigar, maybe, and open it whenever we need to scare some Terries?

Faetan : Sure, that'd work! Or, Clint could just smoke his cigar at the head of the dragon. *looks around* Let's use some of these leaves and make it a type of forest dragon.

Alice : What kind of dragon smokes a cigar? --0-609320638-1037385965=:20122

Harvey : I don't think we need bother with all that, troop! I'm sure the Terries will be far too busy running to award us points for authenticity! [Scratches at a sideburn] Now, how the blazes are we going to make the beast fly? And where will we find a princess to kidnap?

Clint : [Looking around at the party] Let's concentrate on the easier task first. How can we make the beast fly?

Faetan : Say, now THAT'S an idea! Demand sacrifices! Surely they'll give up Kelly and the others!

Alice : Hey! Why can't I be the princess?

Random : [Nodding to Harvey] That's a good point, if they really are terrified of the dragon, they'll be too busy running and screaming to check how real it is.

Alice : And if they aren't?

Random : They'll kill you before the back end of the dragon is even in through the gates.

Clint : To make it more convincing, how about one of us goes running in front of the dragon, screaming for his life? Preferably with his clothes half-burnt. [Looks at Chastity] Actually, you should do it Chassers, after all you're the one they all seem to believe in.

Chastity : [With a start] Running? And acting at the same time? OK. [Takes a step, and over-dramatically falls , arms flailing, to the ground] Ow! My ankle! [Gets up gingerly] Ow, it's a bit sore. [Puts her weight on it] I'll be able to walk, OK, but I don't think it would stand up to running terrified in front of a twelve legged dragon. I'm sure that the good Father here would be much better than myself at that. [Looks round the group hopefully]

Clint : [Clapping] Amazing, you got me fooled there for a moment! You're a terrific actor, Chassers, you should definitely be the one running in front of the dragon!

Chastity : [A bit panicky] No, no. My ankle's injured I tell you! And I don't have my sports bra on. Oh..[Pauses, gathering herself back to normal and in a scolding manner] Not that it's any of your business, that is!

Clint : So which kind of bra are you using? That is, if you're using a bra at all. Actually it would look a lot more convincing if you were to run topless down the street. [Pauses to look at Chastity's reaction] Just a suggestion, of course.

Chastity : I've already been ravaged by your eyes during my enforced nakedness and that once was more than enough. I'm suprised that that poor girl Kelly still has the will to live, after your attentions. She's probably looking forward to her execution with a certain degree of relief. [To Random] They are to have a child out of wedlock, the shame of it.

Austin : [Deadpan] The shame [Pretends to wipe a tear from his eye. Lights a cigarette and takes a drag. Offers one to Alice]

Alice : [Takes the cigarette and lights it] I think Clint is right, you're a great actress, Chastity! [Smiles at a memory] Remember that time when I thought I was pregnant out of wedlock, and you pretended to offended and angry? I don't mind telling you, you had me fooled easily, and, needless to remind you, I don't make a fool of myself easily. [Puts the cigarette into her mouth the wrong way around] Ow!

Random : [Wagging a finger at Alice] Surely you've been told that smoking is dangerous for you?

Austin : [Blows a smoke ring] Especially in your condition [Points at the tummy bump on Alice]

Alice : [Spitting some ash out on the ground] You know full well what my condition is.

Random : [Prompting] The dragon?

Clint : [To Chastity] The running victim?

Chastity : It's OK, Faetan is prone to these quieter periods. [Quieter, to Random] Next time please be a bit more tactful, she's just next to you, and the girl's an awful temper on her. [Turns to the paper mache vat and turns back round with a large collection of paper mache, vaguely shaped as a dagons head] One or two finishing touches and I think we'll be there.

Chastity : [Looks at her creation] No, its the dragons head! [Realisation dawns] Oh, yes. Well, OK then. I'll be the running victim. But I draw the line at doing it topless.

[FAETAN glares at CHASTITY for a moment.]

Alice : [Tuts in annoyance] For God's sake Chastity! She's right in front of you - you know, her temper is bad enough without people like you making it worse. [Turns to Faetan] Don't mind her, Faetan.

Faetan : [Sigh of exasperation] Thanks, Alice.

Clint : Ok, topless it is then. Wouldn't want to cross that line anyway!

Harvey : [Nodding, with a hint of relief] Quite right, Sister! Quite right! There's no need for that kind of thing. [Thinks for a second] Perhaps an undersized t-shirt with "Welcome to Sasketchewan" printed across the front?*

Austin : [Blows a smoke ring] How's about Chastity keeps all of her clothes on, we don't want to be sued for inflicting mental cruelty on the townspeople, and we want them to be scared of the dragon, not Chastity. [Looks at the Dragon. To Chastity] Dragons have horns, you need more horn Chassers.

Chastity : [Just gives Clint a quick glare. To Harvey] I've not seen one of them, and I've lost the t-shirt I was given with "The Brasserie"* on the front. [To Austin] Where as you get given extra horn regularly!

Harvey : Well, these little balloons are good for horns. [Takes two balloons, and puts one at either side of his head] Grrr!

Alice : Do we really need a victim? Wouldn't it be better if we all stayed together?

Clint : [To Alice] Jealous? I don't really care who runs topless in front of the dragon, but remember, we want to scare the people, not lure them to us, so Chastity is the obvious choice.

Alice : I'm only jealous of her insofar as she doesn't have stand behind your stinky behind in the dragon suit. [Points accusingly at Clint] I still haven't forgotten that cow incident.*

Faetan : What cow incident?

Alice : An entirely unpleasant incident that I'm sure we'd all like to forget.

Clint : I actually enjoyed it!

Faetan : Oh. Well...let's get back to the dragon, eh? act! Off to class now!

Alice : That was probably the most unpleasant part of it!

Alice : Right, so we're going to chase a naked Chastity into town, that's the plan?

Clint : [To Alice] Since we have to team up for the 4 legs of the dragon, maybe we can repeat our teamwork?

Chastity : [Sighs] Chase, reluctantly yes, naked, no.

Alice : I thought the dragon had twelve legs?

Alice : [Confused] So, the answer is "reluctantly yes, naked"? [Intake of breath] Oh-kay!

Harvey : Right troop, who's got the biggest head?

Clint : That's what I mean, we have to team up for each group of four legs. That requires 6 people, plus Chastity running naked in front of us! [Pause] Ok, just running in front of us. [Pause] Ok, ok, just in front of us.

Alice : Hey, if she was running naked, surely it's us who'd be running away?

Chastity : [Wags a scolding finger at Alice] Oh, you naughty girl! You have just made Phili cry with you sinful ways!

Harvey : [Casts a eye over Austin] Just admiring the shape of your skull.

Austin : Join the queue, Colonel [Blows a smoke ring, checks his nails for polish and shine. To Chastity] Phili cries? Does he do that alot?

Alice : Which queue is that, Austin? The one to kill you? [Shakes her head sadly] Man, that's one long queue!

Chastity : I don't know, I suppose it depends on how much time he spends watching you and your juvenile attempts to make me feel bad.

Austin : [To Chastity] If I wanted to make you feel bad I would, I am trained in the art. However I merely enquired about the status of Phili's emotional state, I had not considered that, for example, Alice could make him cry.

Chastity : You are a liar. And lies always make Phili cry.

Alice : So, did your lies earlier make him cry?

Chastity : They weren't lies, merely simple stories to help a simple minded girl understand something.

Alice : Oh, okay. [Thinks for a moment] Hey! --0-1819205944-1037648748=:66403

Harvey : Please troop! I don't think this is the time or the place for this argument. Let's concentrate on making this damned beast, horns or no horns.

Austin : Join the queue, Colonel [Blows a smoke ring, checks his nails for polish and shine. To Chastity] Phili cries? Does he do that alot?

Alice : Which queue is that, Austin? The one to kill you? [Shakes her head sadly] Man, that's one long queue!

Chastity : I don't know, I suppose it depends on how much time he spends watching you and your juvenile attempts to make me feel bad.

Austin : [To Chastity] If I wanted to make you feel bad I would, I am trained in the art. However I merely enquired about the status of Phili's emotional state, I had not considered that, for example, Alice could make him cry.

Chastity : You are a liar. And lies always make Phili cry.

Alice : So, did your lies earlier make him cry?

Chastity : They weren't lies, merely simple stories to help a simple minded girl understand something.

Alice : Oh, okay. [Thinks for a moment] Hey! --0-1819205944-1037648748=:66403

Harvey : Please troop! I don't think this is the time or the place for this argument. Let's concentrate on making this damned beast, horns or no horns.

Alice : Right, I don't mind where I go, as long as I'm not behind him. [Points at Clint]

Austin : Join the queue, Colonel [Blows a smoke ring, checks his nails for polish and shine. To Chastity] Phili cries? Does he do that alot?

Alice : Which queue is that, Austin? The one to kill you? [Shakes her head sadly] Man, that's one long queue!

Chastity : I don't know, I suppose it depends on how much time he spends watching you and your juvenile attempts to make me feel bad.

Austin : [To Chastity] If I wanted to make you feel bad I would, I am trained in the art. However I merely enquired about the status of Phili's emotional state, I had not considered that, for example, Alice could make him cry.

Chastity : You are a liar. And lies always make Phili cry.

Alice : So, did your lies earlier make him cry?

Chastity : They weren't lies, merely simple stories to help a simple minded girl understand something.

Alice : Oh, okay. [Thinks for a moment] Hey! --0-1819205944-1037648748=:66403

Harvey : Please troop! I don't think this is the time or the place for this argument. Let's concentrate on making this damned beast, horns or no horns.

Alice : Right, I don't mind where I go, as long as I'm not behind him. [Points at Clint]

Chastity : Right then, can someone find some paint to help finish off the head, and we could use the tarpaulin as the body to hide everyone under. With Phili's guidance we can construct a convincing beastie. Anyone who crosses us will know that death awaits them, with big pointy teeth. [Makes a strange pretend pointy teeth impression with her hand]

Austin : [Looks at the tarpaulin, winces] Even worse than these confor clothes! I hope it doesn't smell. [Has a look to see what else there is in the equipment stuff that Peter had]

[Rather conveniently, there is a large quantity of blue paint. There is also a package, wrapped in brown paper, with "To the Chosen Ones" written on it. The dragon's head is now complete, and looks about as convincing as a model made by a bunch of six year olds.]

Alice : [Proudly] Wow! What a scary head! [Looks at Chastity] Woah! What a scary head!

Harvey : [Prods the package with his sword] I wonder what it is.

Alice : I think it's a package.

Austin : [Hands the blue paint to Chastity.] Looks like we're going to have a blue dragon [Carefully opens the package]

[The package contains five necklaces, each of which has a chain of turquoise stones and a single, large ruby. Everyone gathers around.]

Alice : They're beautiful!

Random : [The only one not gathering around] Who are these "chosen ones"?

Austin : [Puts on a necklace. To Random] We are the 'chosen ones', and I'd like to point out that no all of us volunteered for the job. 'Blackmailed' one may be more appropriate in certain cases [Examines the necklace] Most garish. [Hands one to Harvey, Alice, Clint and Chastity. To Faetan] Looks like the big Phil is still missing you out girl. Maybe he reckons you don't need the help.

Random : [Raises an eyebrow] Chosen by Phili? I'm sure that Phili doesn't need to resort to blackmail, and that if you didn't want to do it, you could just leave. [Thinks] Of course, he could also turn you into a toad, but I don't think that's his style, unless he really hated you.

[ALICE looks over at a nearby pond, where a lot of "ribbitting" can be heard from a bunch of frogs who appear to wearing stock broker type suits and braces, and makes to say something, but thinks better of it.]

Faetan : [Clearly put out at not getting one] Bah! Trinkets are for the weak!

Alice : [Takes the necklace, but doesn't put it on] What makes you think Phili put them here, and not some evil magic user who has cast a spell that will curse any one foolish enough to put them on without trying to figure out what they are? [Peers closely at Austin's necklace]

Austin : [Chuckles at Alice's joke] Curse! That's a good one. Since we started this quest we have died...I have died at least three times, been in Hell twice, and been assaulted more times than a nun has prayed, destroyed more good suits than monk has ... hmm ... preyed, yes well.

Random : [To Austin] You are either very brave or very stupid, and I suspect the latter. Anyone who comes to expect divine help will soon find himself without it.

Austin : [To Random] Expect divine help? I don't expect divine help, what makes you think I do? [Chuckles] I don't even believe in divine help.

Random : [Smiles at Austin and shakes his head] If you genuinely have no fear of dying, then what can you attribute your propensity for survival, reincarnation and suit survival to?

Austin : [To Random] Ooooh, I see what you mean now! You thought that I thought that old Phil would help me out if I got cursed by this necklace! Aaah, well you see, I thought that this necklace is as likely to be cursed as it is to be blessed, and that we would not know unless we tried one on. Further to that, my propensity for reincarnation is equaled only by my perpensity for death, hence one would be foolish to attribute both to any deity, real or otherwise, without due course and substantial factual evidence.

Random : On the contrary, while death is a natural occurence, reincarnation is not. For one to have experienced both as often as you claim to is surely factual evidence to all but the most foolish?

Austin : [To Random] Natural occurence? Being cut in two by Pertillence, DaGsten or Contagion is hardly any more natural than being ressurected by an effreeti with a magic wand, who has a penchant for viking look-a-likes. [Raises an eyebrow at Random]

Random : You speak of these events as though you expect me to know of them, and to be able to counter your ignorance as a result. I cannot. However, I will give you a warning, Phili does believe in free will, and if you say you do not want to be associated with him and these chosen ones you speak of, then something may cause him to grant that wish.

Alice : [Jumps slightly, as though suddenly waking up] You mean like, an evil clown, or something?

Random : I don't know what that means.

Chastity : [To Harvey] It's nice to take an audience's view for one of the lawyer's "I don't believe in Phili" arguments for once. Although they usually aren't as tedious as this one!

Harvey : True, good Sister, very true. Perhaps wearing that necklace has made him even more boring and monotonous than usual, filled with an even stronger feeling that by simply by boring people into submission, he has won an argument.

Austin : [To Random] Well, it's quite simple really, if uncle Phil exists, and is indeed responsible for my timely, and untimely resurrections, and not responsible for my deaths, then I welcome his help, if however, he does not exist then it is a tragedy indeed to be associated with such a conspiracy, a nest of lies concocted to enslave the weak minded! I have yet to witness exclusive evidence that proves the existence of Phili, wheras when you shout the name of Seth in Hell, it does at least cause some measurable geological tremors. [Pauses, then clearly says:] Phili, Phili, Phili. [Looks around for tremors, small volcanoes, or unusually large migrations of butterflies]

Random : So, you believe in the devil, and not in God? Your strategy is not to believe in him until he proves that any help he gave you has come from him? To insult members of his religion with meaningless posturing and mocking? Take it from me, Phili is not inclined to give demonstrations of his existence.

Alice : What about when we were in hell, and part of heaven came in to rescue us?

Austin : [To Random] Good gods, man, you would make a good lawyer, you twist my words like they were made of rubber. I do not believe in Seth either, I merely stated the fact that the utterance of his name in Hell did appear to concide uncannily with small earth tremors. And as far as insulting members of his relogeon, I have no idead what you are talking about? When did I insult members of Phili's religion? [To Alice] What about it?

Alice : Surely that was proof that Phili exists?

Random : I doubt that I would ever be able to twist your words as much as you are now. If you genuinely believe that you have not been insulting Phili's followers you are too stupid to argue with. If you do not, you are too much of a liar to bother arguing with. You claim to believe in nothing, yet still travel with these other chosen ones. Your words are so empty and hollow that they hurt my hears.

Austin : [Looks suprised. To Random] At what point did I claim to believe in nothing? I don't recall saying that? [Looks around the group for support]

Chastity : In other words, be quiet Austin, we've heard it all before. Lets get on with the plan in hand. The sooner we get this dragon plan on the go, the sooner we get back home.

Random : Your words suggest that you appear to believe in neither Seth nor Phili, but I am sure that you will happily twist them, or perhaps my own to suggest otherwise. Remember, Phili helps those who help themselves. If you insist on portraying yourself as a cynical, but innocent victim, you run the risk of ending up as that.

Alice : [Holds up her necklace] Well, the thing that started the whole argument was the discovery of these lovely necklaces, what will we do with them?

Austin : [To Random] Why do you sit there and insult me? I'm no cynical, 'but innocent victim' thank you very much. You have some very weird ideas, and I am here in the first place because I help myself, and others.

Chastity : [To Austin] I believe it was your attempts to help yourself that got us together in the first place. [To Alice] Maybe the necklaces strengthen our beliefs, that would explain Austin being so dogged in his arguments, even for him. I'll try for comparison. [Puts her necklace on]

Alice : Maybe, but he was always like that!

Random : I am not insulting you, I am merely reflecting what you say. Do not ask questions, Austin, if you are afraid of the answers. Do not provoke, if you are afraid of the reaction. I am not insulting you, for I bear you no ill will. In fact, you appear to be so determined to tell the world how little you care about the existence, that you remind me of a frightened child. Rather than insult you, I wish to help you, to shelter you. In fact, I love you, Austin. [In one quick movement, gives Austin a hug.]

Harvey : [Looking curiously at the necklace] It appears that Father Tschantz has chosen a curious road to travel down.

Chastity : Not at all, Colonel. Phili's disciples always prefer to follow the path of love and forgiveness rather than anger and blame. [To Alice] I don't feel any different with this necklace on. Although my belief in Phili may just already be [annoying finger quotes] "maxed out"

Austin : [Hugs Random back] Hugs? Well at least they make sense. [Smiles] This fightened little homosexual, insulting, atheist, lieing child [Lights a cigarette] thinks you are all completely mad, Fae excepted of course.

Faetan : Thanks Austin. [Whispers to Alice] So he really is a homosexual?

Alice : [Shrugs] We all knew that, but he'll probably deny it again pretty soon. [Puts her necklace on] Seems fine to me.

Random : [Breaks from Austin] Be careful, Austin, that you don't turn into what you claim to be.* [Turns to the others] Right, what's the order for this dragon?

Austin : [To Faetan] No, I am not homosexual, though the others tease me endlessly, and then call me boring, endless and tireing. If I were homosexual I would hardly find you devilishly attractive, would I?

Faetan : [Flustered, and blushing] I guess not.

Alice : But Austin, that's because you are homosexual, boring and tiring!

Austin : [Points at Alice. To Faetan] You see what I mean? I rest my case. [Walks off about 15 feet away and smokes]

Alice : Aw, poor Austin, someone argues with you about something you've already admitted to, and you get upset.*

Harvey : Right, who's going in the front? And who'll take the back. [Suddenly glances at Austin] Not that there's any fear in this party of any of its members being behind someone!

Clint : I'd say Faetan should go in front. Her growling his surely scare everyone in our path.

Austin : [To Alice] I have never ever admitted to being gay. Bisexual yes. [Stressing] Gay no, Homosexual no.

Alice : [Makes a big production of yawning] Wow. There's such a difference there.

Faetan : [Glares at Clint] I thought we'd need you at the front, what with dragons having such bad breath and all.

Clint : I wouldn't mind going up front, but I don't like the idea of having a [annoying quotes] bisexual person on my back.

Austin : [Sigh!] I'll go at the bloody front. Faetan behind me, so that I can be sure of not getting stabbed in the back by any of you bastards.

Alice : [Doing a "handbags at twenty paces" move to Clint] Ooooh!

Harvey : [Tartly to Austin] We'll have none of that talk, my lad. There is no backstabbing in this party, and I'll thank you not to vent your frustrations on the rest of us.

Clint : [Puts his necklace on] Just in case. [To all] Are we going to paint the tarpaulin?

Austin : [Sigh! Looks at the dragon head and then starts painting it]

Alice : It looks like it. [Grabs a brush and starts painting too] You know, we really should have a name for the dragon. [Thinks really hard] Seeing as how it's Austin at the front, let's call it Poof.

Austin : Seeing how Alice is somewhere in the dragon, why don't we call it bigotted xenophile?

Alice : [Offended] Hey! I meant it as in Poof the Magic Dragon! [Starts to get upset] Because, [swallow] because you smoke so much! Anyway, what the hell is a bigoted xenophile? I mean, if I was a bigoted xenophobe, like you, it might make some sense.

Faetan : Xenophobes are afraid of aliens or things that are different, far as I know. [Scratches her head, leaving blue paint on the tips of her hair] Why does it have to be blue? Blue just isn't scary. It should be red, or green, or black... And those necklaces are creepy, I don't trust them!

Alice : It has to be blue because that's the only colour paint we've got! [Looks at her necklace] I'm not sure I trust them either, but they were clearly put here for us. So, the question is [waves her paint brush as she's talking, showering some of the others in paint] who put them there? Oh, maybe the question should be, who knew we were going to come back and look under there?

Faetan : Someone that knew we had big egos... Honestly! [mystically sarcastic voice] 'The Chosen Ones.' Wouldn't surprise me one bit if it were something left by Adam or Contagion or some other nasty character.

Alice : Well, Adam and Contagion are dead, and as for egos, well, [small voice, sounding rather lame] we are the chosen ones. --0-548899473-1037733369=:63512

Harvey : Too right we are, dear niece! Why, how many battles have we survived, fights walked away from, bars burned to a cinder, times travelled through and trips to the moon undergone? Eh? I ask you! Who else could have such adventures but a bunch of Chosen Ones!

Faetan : Sven I can see being a chosen one. I dunno, [shrugs and puts down brush] seems like we're more the court jesters than champions. Kept alive for entertainment value.

Alice : But it's not just the moon landing! We were told, remember? That's why [points at her stomach and whispers] you know!

Alice : Speak for yourself! And what the hell kind of court would have [points at Faetan] you as a jester? I mean, no offence, but come on!

Clint : [To Chastity] Here we go again... [Starts painting the dragon] We don't have any other paint, so it has to be blue.

Alice : All I'm trying to do is say that I think the necklaces were meant for us, and maybe we should think about who put them there, and why.

Faetan : Too right I'm not a jester! That's why there were only five necklaces!

Clint : [To Chastity] So, as I was saying, it must be blue. It's not a bad colour for a dragon, anyway.

Alice : [Smiles at Faetan] Now that's a big ego! [Turns to Clint] We've already established that the dragon has to be green. Everyone knows it has to be green. The whole world knows it has to be green.

Harvey : Don't you mean blue?

Alice : [Looks at her paintbrush] Oh, yes. [Looks back up] It doesn't matter what the colour is, what matters is someone knew we would be coming back here. Either we all wear them, or none of us do. And I think we can safely say that our decision to wear them or not isn't going to be influenced by whether or not we have a total lack of sense of humour.

Faetan : Too right I've got an ego! [Grins] So you're saying that any effects they might have might not spring into action unless they're all in place. Well...if it turns out to be some excruciatingly painful and horrible curse, just let me know if you want me to kill you instead.

Chastity : [Painting the dragon. Sarcastically to Clint, glancing at Faetan] Do let me know when the group is cursed with something excruciatingly painful and horrible that could kill us? [Looking at the dragon head and tarpaulin] By Phili, this is coming along very well. Even more convincing than those cow costumes!

Alice : [Looking ruefully at Faetan, before looking away] Oh, kill me now, please! [Looks back at her] Any effects they have won't happen until they're all in place? Er, yes, yes, that's just what I meant!

[All but CLINT and HARVEY are wearing them.]

--0-770151775-1037792249=:81975

Harvey : Faetan my dear, the only way you could kill me is over my dead body! [Laughs long and loud before putting on the pendant] Now then troop, let's get this beast started! [Turns and looks at the completed dragon] By the saints, it's upon us! [Takes out his sword and begins lunging at the dragon]

Faetan : [Smiles at Harvey, practically stabbing paint onto the dragon] That can be arranged.

Alice : [Stepping in front of Harvey] No! That's the dragon we're going to hide in!

Random : Well, I think we can safely say that the dragon is about as realistic as we could have hoped for. Now, I believe Austin was going in first? Who's next? --0-324088483-1037793524=:23046

Harvey : [Putting his sword away] Damned realistic, what! I'll go next, lads. I'm sure my bootcamp drill instructors voice can be put to good use with the growling. Why, haven't used it in years, but learning to blast the eardrums off a raw recruit is a bit like riding a bicycle. Alls you need is handlebars! [Runs a finger along his moustache]

Clint : As long as I'm behind Austin, I don't care, so I'll go next. [Looks at his pendant on the ground] Gah!, I must have missed my neck! [Picks it up and puts it on]

Alice : Honestly, Clint, sometimes I wonder if you pay attention to what's going on at all! Hey, my hair has got stuck to the paint!

[Eventually, CLINT gets the clasp shut. A tremendous burst of light comes from the horizon, and completely envelopes everyone. When it dissipates, each of CHASTITY, CLINT, ALICE, HARVEY and AUSTIN look shocked, but neither RANDOM nor FAETAN appear to have even noticed it.]

Alice : [With a big smile] Wow! That was cool!

Faetan : Huh? What was? --0-539106005-1037794022=:61986

Harvey : [Eyes wide] By the saints, that was wonderful! Did you all feel that?

Chastity : [To Faetan] I don't know! You go on a few adventures, and you just become so blasé about impressive effects like that!

Faetan : What are you talking about? [Looks at Random] Was it something to do with the necklaces?

Random : I can only guess so. [To the others] What happened?

Alice : We just had a crazy experience, [looks to Clint] you were there, [to Austin] you were there, [to Chastity] you were there, [to Harvey] and you were there! [Takes off the necklace] At least we know now who left these here. Come on, let's scare some Terries! Hey, I can do the head. [Puts her head into the dragon] Moo! I mean, bark! Bark! [Pops her head out again] Hey, what kind of noise does a dragon make?

Faetan : [Growls under her breath] What just happened?

Alice : [Smiles happily at Faetan] Yay! There you go! That's it!

Clint : Okay, so Faetan and Harvey should go in front, especially since we haven't eaten for a long time. [To Chastity] So are you going to run, I mean walk fast, in front of the dragon or not?

Alice : [Watching the two go in] Right, I'll go next. [Turns to Austin] What about you? Are you coming in? Or are you still busy sulking?

Austin : I am not sulking. I am merely making mental notes on the contents of a legal action I shall be taking against you, amongst others, once this whole thing is finished.

Alice : Sure you were.

[ALICE goes in, followed by AUSTIN.]

Chastity : Assuming the good father here [gestures towards Random] is going to come with us, I'll have to. Otherwise we'll have a 14 legged dragon.

Austin : [To Alice] Good god, you ass looks bigger than I remember, did one or two of the orbs slip or something?

Chastity : You'll find her posterior will look smaller if you stop pushing your nose into it, Austin. [Looks at her feet] If I'm to be making haste in from of you all, its just as well the Adamites insist on such sensible flat footwear.

Clint : [Murmuring] As if her feet were her only flat attributes.

Austin : [To CLint] Yes indeed, between Alice and Chastity we hardly need a dragon to scare them witless.

Alice : I should have known that you'd be used to checking out people's asses, Austin, although I'm sure those young boys you look at look smaller because of their tight jeans, as opposed to my billowing skirt.

Austin : [To Alice] Oh, so I'ma pederast now am I? Great, by the end of the day you'll be saying that I'm Seth himself!

Clint : Except that Seth doesn't exist, remember?

Chastity : No, please, lets not get into all that again!

Austin : [To Clint] And upon what rational do you base that conclusion?

Alice : I don't know Clint, if Austin keeps up with the nasty remarks, maybe Seth will appear to him. And no, Austin, I never suggested you were anything of the sort - young boy to me means an eighteen year old, if you are more interested in the younger ones, that's your own business, and something I'd really not care to hear about.

Clint : Errr, the fact that you said it earlier on?

Austin : [To Alice] You call 18 year olds young boys? What do you call someone under 17, but over 12, and what do call someone under 12?

Alice : Well, I know what I call someone who behaves like he's under twelve. [Big smile] Austin!

Chastity : [Slowly shaking her head and muttering] And we were so close to going.

Austin : [Laughs, stops suddenly] What a wit, goddamit you should be on stage girl. [To Clint] I said I don't believe he exists, that doesn't mean that he doesn't exist, it just means I have not witnessed enough justifiable evidence to suggest that he does exist. If the good Dr. Trindle were here I'm sure he would concur.

Alice : [Laughs, stops suddenly] What a shit, goddamit, you should be on stage, guy, so people could throw stuff at you. What are you trying to do? Bore us into submission with ridiculous arguing? Again?

Chastity : [To Random] Would you care to join the body of the dragon? You at least have the choice of rear end, or not. Or do you want to stay out here to listen to the rest of this discussion? As you may have guessed, when we "chosen ones" were picked out, conviviality was not one of the requirements.

Clint : [To Chastity] I think I'll take the rear end. Anything to get me away from this argument.

Random : So I see. I'll join in the dragon - I suspect you'll make a better panicking woman than I.

[RANDOM goes in, so now only CLINT and CHASTITY remain outside.]

Alice : [To Clint] I thought you wanted to get [stresses] away from Austin!

[CLINT joins the dragon, and off they go.]

[Book III, Act V, Scene VII. Outside Hysteria. CHASTITY and the DRAGON are here, in the trees just outside the town.]

Harvey : Right troop, let's get together some kind of plan for this. Sister, you can take your t-shirt off while the rest of us discuss it.

Austin : [To Harvey] Well I think that they are in general for proles and like. [Sniggers at his own joke] and I'd prefer it if Chassers kept her on, thank you very much.

Harvey : Eh? They are what?

Austin : [Sigh] T-shirts, Colonel, t-shirts.

Chastity : Colonel, I shall not be removing my clothing. I doubt if they would let me in if I was bare chested. I suggest ripping these Adamite clothes a bit. That should be sufficient.

Harvey : Er, yes, Private. Very good. Very clever. [To Alice] What's he talking about?

Alice : [Exasperated] T-shirts, Uncle Harvey! What else could he be discussing?

Harvey : [Timidly] Er, the plan?

Faetan : [Shakes the head around a bit] Roar!

Clint : That's the one Faetan, but keep the roaring for when we get inside the town.

Chastity : [Tears her sleeves and skirting a bit] Best get a move on. This magical puritan garb may mend itself.

Faetan : I was just doing that one out of frustration.

[CHASTITY's skirt magically reforms itself.]

--0-1234817110-1037822469=:1958

Harvey : Hmm, seems that the torn clothing is out of the question, good sister! Perhaps it's best just to run in looking slightly dishevelled, alerting all and sundry to the presence of a dragon outside the walls!

Alice : You know, if I was guarding the gate, and someone came up telling me there was a dragon outside, you know what I would do?

Austin : [Sneering so much that, despite it being pitch dark in the dragon, the others can literally hear it] Open the gate and bang yourself in the head with it?

Alice : No, I'd keep the gate shut, and say "Sorry, I don't care if you've got no t-shirt on, if I open the gate, the dragon will only come in."

Clint : Thank Phili you're not guarding the gate then! --0-722952909-1037831374=:42220

Harvey : Gah! I knew we should have worked out a way to make this beast fly! Then no gate on earth would stop our ingress! I say, perhaps the villagers will believe we can fly and decide that closing the gate is useless?

Faetan : Why don't we demand the confors for a sacrifice lest we eat this Phili-fearing citizen [gestures at Chastity]? Then when they open the gates to shove 'em out, we storm in and roar some more.

Alice : The problem with that Harvey, is if the gate is shut, like it was the last few times we tried to get in. Granted, they might think we can fly, but even if they believe that closing the gate won't stop us, that's hardly a guarantee that they'll open, is it?

Chastity : Faetan, much as it pleases me to see you so keen to growl, what would we do if those awful Terries refused to co-operate?

Alice : And anyway, why should they offer up a sarcrifice for us to eat when the only threat we can make is to eat Chastity? Hm, with all this talk of sarcrificing and eating, I'm actually getting kind of peckish. Maybe we could get two?

Faetan : Sure, go ahead and dig up another Chastity, we'll chase her too. [Rubs forehead] I don't see why they wouldn't throw out people they were going to kill anyway, to save Chastity. The three fatheads might think it'd make them appear heroic or some other such rot.

Chastity : I think you are missing the point. The church has to been seen not only to take care of their own flock, but also to banish evil and defend itself. After the Council's stories of the powerful twelve-legged dragon, they can hardly sit back and watch one of their followers, of which I will appear to be, slaughtered on their very doorstep. Public pressure will force them to break out Adam's artifacts and confront us, if they want to remain in power.

Alice : Maybe Faetan's got a point, maybe we could claim the dragon is keener on eating Nonconfors?

Random : I think you're all forgetting what a lying bunch of cowards the Three are. That rod you speak of, what makes you think that it has anything to do with dragons?

Alice : Er, because the Verminator said it had?

Random : Okay, so that's one reason to believe that it has nothing to do with them.

Austin : Well we won't know what will happen until we get there. Let's go and find out.

Alice : Let's at least agree on plan before we go! Is Chastity going to ask to let in? Are we going to demand a sarcrifice? Or something else?

Clint : Something else. But don't ask me what. Surely Jerry would have come up with a good plan, so brainy people, get your neurons working!

Alice : We could take off the dragon suit, and leave it outside the gate. The townspeople will be so intrigued at a flat dragon that they'll come out to investigate, and then we can charge in! --0-1270074503-1037887407=:42131

Harvey : Or better again, why don't we just smuggle the dragon outfit into the town, then don our beastly paper mache disguise?

Alice : So we're going to call him Don? Aw, that's a nice name! [Looks around at the others] Seems like a good idea to me. --0-525761877-1037887745=:6991

Harvey : Why thank you dear niece! So, we can either bring it in by hand, concealing the head somewhere and somehow, or, go into the town, get the laundry wagon, return to this place, forthwith to be named Mission Initiation, load up Don and then back into town.

Chastity : If it means I don't have to run up to the guarded gates on my own, I'm for it.

Austin : [To Chastity] You must be so pleased. [Deaderpan] I know I am just thrilled. --0-1340081059-1037888767=:12016

Harvey : Indeed private Sleaze, it's good to see you showing concern for your fellow troop members! The good sister will indeed be much safer with this new plan!

Chastity : [To Chastity] Maybe you'd like to put forward the case for standing outside the gates dressed as a blue paper mache dragon and waiting to be let in? This at least sounds more likely to suceed.

Austin : [To Maplin] Did you see that! Talking to herself, mad I tell you!

Maplin : [Nods in agreement]

Alice : [Murmuring to Clint] Notice the swift wrist movement as Maplin nods.

Random : Okay, the plan is for us to return with the dragon hidden away. Perhaps we could wrap the head up in something and claim it is essential dragon killing material. --0-412175128-1037890272=:20460

Harvey : Very well, and of course they would believe your word without question, Random, so we should have no problem smuggling it within the walls.

Alice : I've got a bag for it. [Hands over a tiny plastic bag]

[RANDOM tries to put the head in, with the effect that one ear is covered, and the rest is sticking out.]

Alice : [Gives two thumbs] Alright! --0-1843326524-1037890788=:58367 >Alice : I've got a bag for it. [Hands over a tiny plastic bag]

Harvey : Hmmm. [Scratches at a sideburn] Perhaps we need something just a little bigger, dear niece. [Takes a shirt from his bag] Will this fit around the head? I'm in quite good shape, so we might need something bigger, what!

Alice : [Timidly] Er, Chastity?

Clint : How about we use some of this magical clothes? Surely they will adapt themselves to the dragon's head.

Alice : Hey, good idea Clint. Of course, the only magical clothes we've got are on us. --0-628726811-1037891263=:26989

Harvey : Gah! Confounded at every turn! Why doesn't one of us pick up a new set of clothes from the laundry wagon?

Austin : [Sigh] If we sit around here long enough we won't need a time portal, we can just travel in time the old fashioned way, the slow way.

Alice : And if you can keep coming up with all your negative comments, Aussie, it'll seem even slower!

Random : [To Harvey] Because the laundry wagon is inside the town, and we don't really want to be traipsing in and out. It would be best if one of the ladies could er, remove her dress.

Clint : Pessimistic as always. [To Alice] If Chastity runs topless in front of us, we could use her clothes, and they don't even need to be magical to cover the whole dragon head. [Pause] Just an idea. --0-1456582806-1037892289=:64680

Harvey : [Raises an eyebrow] Perhaps you could try my shirt first of all, sir! I think there should be no reason for the ladies to remove their outer garments! And besides, what would the guard at the door say at having a near naked lady attempting to enter!

Alice : Quickly, get those damned gates open so we can get her in?

Chastity : I have only just recently got over my clothes-phobia, with the help of our aid and confidant Peter. I'm not undoing neither all his good work nor my clothing. There must be another way. --0-1571033484-1037893479=:70965

Alice : Quickly, get those damned gates open so we can get her in?

Harvey : There must be indeed, good sister! Considering how they treat people wearing nonconfer clothing, I imagine they would stone you on sight if they saw someone without any clothing at all! wearing nonconfer clothing, I imagine they would stone you on sight if they saw someone without any clothing at all!

Austin : Did any one notice if there was a back door into the place, or a lesser guarded side entrace? --0-37879191-1037895993=:78124

Harvey : Afraid not, private. Mind you, I presume they do have another exit, but I would imagine it's as heavily guarded as the main one, considering Terries seem to be in cheap and plentiful supply! Look, alls we need is something to cover this head, correct? Why don't we wrap it up in our old clothes, and tell the guard that we're adding these nonconfer rags to help the fire burn and the sinners crackle! but I would imagine it's as heavily guarded as the main one, considering Terries seem to be in cheap and plentiful supply! Look, alls we need is something to cover this head, correct? Why don't we wrap it up in our old clothes, and tell the guard that we're adding these nonconfer rags to help the fire burn and the sinners crackle!

Austin : [To Colonel] Wow, now that make sense. Great plan Colonel. We should make you the party leader. --0-247638113-1037896275=:85683

Harvey : [Annoyed] Hmm, well private, it would seem the position you are taking in the dragon suits you! in the dragon suits you!

Austin : [To Harvey, huffy] Well I did volunteer to be at the front. --0-1440799455-1037897064=:54180

Harvey : [Takes his clothes out of his pack] Well, let's get this head concealed and our plan on the road!

Alice : And that gives you an excuse to criticise Harvey, does it? concealed and our plan on the road!

Austin : [Helps Harvey conceal the head with Harvy's clothes] I hope this stuff is clean.

[The head is wrapped with a reasonable amount of success, and the party approach the gates once more. TERRY pops up from above the gate which, of course, is locked.]

Terry : So, the great dragon slayers are back!

Clint : Yes, we need to get through the gates, please ask Terry to open them! --0-2025264820-1037897737=:39674

Harvey : Hello brother, and how shines the light within your heart?

Terry : [Narrows his eyes at Harvey] It shines fine. [Calls down to someone] Terry! Ask Terry if I can open the gate? [Looks back at the party, before turning away again and laughing] Yeah, they are!

[The gate starts to open slowly.]

Alice : Hey! What was that all about? --0-783480225-1037898059=:61117

Harvey : [Quietly back to Alice] I don't know, dear niece, but I don't like it! This old colonel smells a trap!

Alice : [To Harvey] That's probably just Clint.

[The gates swing open slowly, revealing that the town looks exactly the same as it did before.]

--0-1179543741-1037898421=:90785

Harvey : In the words of the ill-fated Nik, I urge caution here, troops! Let's stay on our toes until we find a place to [winks massively] make the change. [The group enters the town once more. TERRY is here to greet them, looking quite concerned.]

Terry : Were there any dragons around? You know, it would be awful if one of them came in, breathing fire all over the place. Why, it would just completely spoil the burnings at the stake!

Austin : [To Terry] How awful that would be, brother.

Terry : [Nodding his head in agreement] Oh yes! It might kill them off immediately, so they wouldn't get a chance to suffer for their sins! --0-129654382-1037899539=:696

Harvey : Well, brother, we certainly heard rumours of a dragon hereabouts. We found a burned out farmstead a few miles from here! Definitely looked dragon related, but, say nothing to Terry, as you know how rumour spreads, eh! [Sighs] Just hope it isn't coming in this direction. Especially with the smell of a precooked meal wafting through the air when the sinners are put to the flame!

Terry : [Looks momentarily startled] But, as Brother Adam said, "It is only through Flame and Pain, can the Damned Lose their Pain"!

Austin : [To Terry] But a dragon may kill to fast for there to be enough pain! --0-1513730300-1037900063=:3958

Harvey : This is true brother, but unfortunately, do you think a dragon can tell the difference between the righteous and the damned? Well, I certainly hope and pray so.

Terry : Yes, so do I.

[Enter TERRY, who slaps TERRY hard across the face.]

Terry : Ow! What was that for?

Terry : You got it wrong! It's "only through Flame and Pain, can the Damned Lose their Shame"!

Terry : Sorry! [Exits.]

Terry : [To the party] Better stand back so we can shut the gate. We need to have it locked because everyone's going to be at the burning tonight. Remember, as Adam said, "It is only through Flame and Pain, can the Damned Lose their Pain"!

Alice : [Looks momentarily startled] I thought it was "It's only through Flame and Pain, can theDamned Lose their Shame"!

Terry : [Embarrased] Er, yes.

Clint : We better be near the burning cerimony when it happens then. You know, just in case a dragon comes by and you need dragon slayers to protect the righteous! --0-1474485106-1037902625=:11740

Harvey : Indeed so, brother. Let us be away to the burning! [To Terry] What time does it start? We wish to see the sinner suffer from start to finish.

Terry : Oh, in about ten minutes.

Alice : Where will it be?

Terry : [Waves at the town square] Over there.

Alice : Where?

Terry : Do you see all those wooden posts? Stuck into kindling? Just beyond that, near the laundry truck, in fact. --0-1388196711-1037903364=:81554

Harvey : My thanks, brother! Looks like we'll have prime viewing spots, brothers and sisters! [Quietly] Shall we commandeer the laundry truck for our viewing position?

Clint : Right. Are anti-dragon precautions in place?

Alice : [To Harvey] Wouldn't it be better if we changed into the dragon there?

Terry : [To Clint] Oh, of course! [Points out a bunch of Terries carrying what appears to be a giant butterfly net] And, just in case one turns up and is very violent, we've got this baby! [Juts his thumb behind him where six Terries are rolling up a giant newspaper] --0-111055758-1037904296=:88333

Harvey : [To Alice] Yes, yes, I suppose it would, my girl! [To Terry] Are you not worried about the paper going on fire and the dragon burning a hole through the net?

Clint : [Shaking his head sadly] No, no, no. You've got anti giant moth precautions in place! It seems to me you need a hand from a professional group of dragon slayers, through the guidance of the great Adam, of course.

Terry : Yeah, like dragons can breathe fire! [Rolls his eyes, but starts suddenly, and turns and whispers to another Terry, before turning back to the party] We're all gonna die!

[TERRY and some other TERRIES run around screaming.]

Faetan : [Looks pleased] Now THIS is my kind of town!

Alice : [Watching some Terries getting stuck in the net] Strange, they don't seem so threatening now, do they? They must be terrified of dragons. --0-282167652-1037904933=:62855

Harvey : Well then, now the wheel has being set in motion, let's hop to it to the laundry truck and change into the dragon! We've only got a few minutes before the fires are started!

Alice : Right, let's go, and no one do anything to draw attention to us.

[ALICE slowly and stealthily steals across the road, and almost immediately gets tangled up in the net.]

Alice : Aiiee! Help!

Clint : [To Alice] Will you ever pay attention? [Heads to the laudry truck, but trips on the giant newspaper] Gah! --0-1629899847-1037905911=:26333

Harvey : [Falls over Clint and joins, head first, Alice in the net] By the saints, we've been rumbled! We are undone!

Alice : [Turns and points at Clint, ready to give out, but stops] Hey! You've got a whole lot of little lines on your face!

Clint : And you've got a headline "whore gets burned tonight"!

Alice : Yeah? But, it's about you! --0-35979778-1037906379=:33373

Harvey : [Fights his way out of the net and helps Alice, before looking around furtively] Hmm, so far so good, we've gone unnoticed!

Alice : Yep, they're all watching that patch of paint dry! [Points at about a hundred assorted Terries and Confors, standing in front of a freshly painted wall] Let's get out of here before.. before.. [is drawn to the wall] --0-1812003539-1037907189=:34418

Harvey : [Gently grabs Alice and gives her a little shake] Pull yourself together dear niece! Do not be tempted by the fascination of paint drying!

Alice : [Pulling herself away] But it's just so blue! --0-1833960417-1037971055=:36185

Harvey : [Panicking] No, we've almost lost her! Look at this, dear Alice! [Shows Alice a piece of the dragon head] See, it's also blue, and the paint is not yet dry!

Faetan : [Gleefully] Can I slap her if she can't shake out of it?

Chastity : Best not, we'd be here all day. [To Harvey] Colonel, try another colour. As her guardian, I don't think you should be showing her a variety of blue material!

Austin : [To Chastity] I shouldn't think it's anything that she hasn't seen before. She is probably the lead 'actor' in most of it.

Chastity : Lead actor? I would have thought she'd have been a bit wooden! [Tugs on Alice's shoulder] Come along, dear. No time to dilly-dally.

Alice : [Swings around and glares at Faetan] Only if you want to get a pointy red shoe up your butt! [Turns to Austin] What's your problem? Oh, probably that pointy thing that you've got stuck up your butt, [dramatic pause] your head!

Chastity : [Takes a step towards the laundry truck, before turning round] Ehem , the dragon? Shall we?

Austin : [To Alice] My head is far to big to fit up my rectum, [Dramatic pause] which is more than I can say for yours. [Thinking Pause] Sister Short.

Faetan : Yeah yeah yeah, enough! Dragon stuff now, no more paint or shoving heads up your butts! [Marches more speedily towards the wagon] understand because I couldn't be there! ;_;

Alice : [To Austin] The head of my sword, you mean? That can be arranged. [Walks quickly to pass Faetan] Come on, come on, come on!

Clint : [Running to the wagon] Let's have some fun! [To a passing screaming Terry] The dragon is coming! We're all gonna die!

Faetan : [Walking faster to beat Alice] Hyahhhhhhhh! --0-1711911098-1038251473=:78379

Harvey : Hut hut, troop! See how excited Faetan and my dear niece are to get this dragon outfit on and those people rescued! Now that's the type of spirit I like to see! [Strides towards the carriage]

Alice : I don't think so! [Picks up her pace to a quick trot, elbowing her way past Faetan]

Terry : [To Clint] Dragon? Oh no! Where?

Austin : [To Terry] Brother Terry, have you seen a dragon? Where is it? [Looks around]

Terry : [Worried] No, but Terry [points at the one near Clint] saw it!

[ALICE has made it to the wagon, shortly followed by the others.]

Alice : [Turns impatiently to see that the others are still sauntering towards the carriage] Come on, we haven't got all day, you know!

Austin : [Walks swiftly. To Alice] True Sister Short, the fire will soon be lit, and we wouldn't want to be late. {To the others Come along now, or you'll miss the execution.

[Eventually, the others make to the carriage.]

Alice : [Climbing in] Okay, remind me, who goes in front?

Austin : [Waiting for the others to volunteer] Oh my god, I'll go infront, before innocent people die because we're too late. Come on, lets move it! [Gets into the head, and gets his aftershave and zippo lighter ready incase he needs to make flames come from the dragon's mouth]

Faetan : [Catches Austin's shoulder] Hold on there, Slick, I seem to remember being the one who was going to go in front.

Alice : She does have a point, Austin. She does have that whole growling thing going on, although [thinks for a moment] you do have all that hot air that you're constantly blowing out.

Austin : [To Faetan] Very well then, I shall watch your back. [Gives Faetan the head and get behind Faetan, under the tarpaulin]

Faetan : [Puts the head on] Right, line up behind me.

[AUSTIN goes in, followed by ALICE.]

Alice : Yay! In before Stinky.

Faetan : [Catches Austin's shoulder] Hold on there, Slick, I seem to remember being the one who was going to go in front.

Alice : She does have a point, Austin. She does have that whole growling thing going on, although [thinks for a moment] you do have all that hot air that you're constantly blowing out.

Austin : [To Faetan] Very well then, I shall watch your back. [Gives Faetan the head and get behind Faetan, under the tarpaulin]

Faetan : [Puts the head on] Right, line up behind me.

[AUSTIN goes in, followed by ALICE.]

Alice : Yay! In before Stinky.

Faetan : [Catches Austin's shoulder] Hold on there, Slick, I seem to remember being the one who was going to go in front.

Alice : She does have a point, Austin. She does have that whole growling thing going on, although [thinks for a moment] you do have all that hot air that you're constantly blowing out.

Austin : [To Faetan] Very well then, I shall watch your back. [Gives Faetan the head and get behind Faetan, under the tarpaulin]

Faetan : [Puts the head on] Right, line up behind me.

[AUSTIN goes in, followed by ALICE.]

Alice : Yay! In before Stinky.

Clint : [Going in after Alice] I'll watch your behind Bimbo, don't worry.

Austin : [To CLint] Hey, this is a rescue mission, not a high-school party!

Faetan : [To Austin] As long as you don't forget!

[HARVEY and RANDOM join in at the rear.]

Alice : Right, all we need now is for Chastity to take her shirt off, then everyone will be scared. [Pause] By the dragon. [Pause] The paper mache dragon.

Chastity : Yes, Alice. Thank you. [Pokes the side of the dragon hard with her mace]

Alice : Ow!

Chastity : Sorry dear, I was just getting ready to panic. Right, let's go!

[Exit CHASTITY out of the carriage in a great state of panic.]

[Book III, Act V, Scene VIII. Inside Hysteria. CHASTITY has just leapt out onto the street with a blood curdling scream, causing many of the people to turn and stare.]

Chastity : We're all going to die!

[Enter THE DRAGON.]

Terry : Oh my God! How did it get in?

Faetan : Fungahhhhhhhhhhhh!!!! Rarararararar!

Clint : I think Harvey is hungry again, his stomach is making weird noises.

Austin : [To Clint] Shhh! Shhh!

Faetan : SH! [Turns it into a hiss and shakes the head around, stomps after Chastity] Rararar!

[CHASTITY runs around the place apparantly at random, sending TERRIES running in every direction as they plunge through a picnic area.]

Alice : [To the others] Yay! I got a sandwich! Where exactly are we headed? --0-556284333-1038338806=:35140

Harvey : Let's keep away from the fire at all costs, troop! One step too close and this dragon is going to go up in smoke faster than one of Faetans cakes through the digestive system! No offence meant, of course, dear girl!

Alice : They haven't started the fire yet, it's all set up over there.

[Through one of the many holes in the dragon, the party can see that this is indeed the case. There are a number of stakes set out, that are clearly to be used for the burning.]

--0-1629012629-1038353313=:75686

Harvey : Where are the prisoners kept? Perhaps we should head in that direction?

Chastity : [Scattering a group of by-standers as she runs through their midst. Shouting] Where are the council of three? Only they have the dragon slaying items from Adam! [Runs around a bit more in a zig-zag fashion]

Austin : [To Faetan] Can you see the prisoners?

Faetan : Grrrr aaarrr! [To Austin] Nope, no sign, we must be early.

Random : They will either be upstairs where we were originally for their last minute plea, or down in the dungoen.

Alice : Hey! I just lost one of my shoes!

[One of the TERRIES can be heard calling from behind.]

Terry : Behold! The dragon is injured, and has lost on of it's massive and pungent scales.

Austin : I feel like an extra on 'You've been framed'. Let's go upstairs to where they were.

Chastity : [Runs round the back of the dragon, and picks up Alice's shoe] I'll take that. See how evil the creature is, as it tries to litter our clean home with scales, and pollute our air with illegal cheese odours.

[Predictably, the TERRIES react with horror and dismay at this heinous revelation.]

Alice : [To Austin] Do we just chase Chastity up there? Or go up ourselves?

Chastity : [Runs past the dragon to get back in front. In a volume that only the group can hear] I'll go up the stairs, you chase me. [Puff, pant] This running around in a blind panic really takes it out of you! [Heads for the stairs]

Faetan : [Leads the Dragon after Chastity, up the stairs] Grrrh!

Chastity : [Running up the stair. Shouting] Sanctuary, Sanctuary, in the name of Phili. Break out the holy relics!

Faetan : [Follows Chastity] Grrrrh!

[As CHASTITY runs upstairs, the TERRIES all run out of her way, into other rooms and even out of windows. Eventually, she bursts into the main room, where the party met the THREE earlier. The VERMINATOR, KERSEY and PEBBLES are here, as well as about twenty TERRIES, many of whom leap out of the window, even though they are on the second floor.]

Terry : Verminator, you've got to get out the rod, even though it will harm us!

Clint : [Farting] Just giving a bit more of a realistic feeling to it all.

Austin : [Whispers into Faetans ear] Alice say your butt is huge! [There is some indecision amongst the three, who don't really go anywhere, but all the TERRIEs have now left the room, one way or another.]

Faetan : [Pissed off with 'Alice's' comment, chases Chastity around the room] Grrrh! [Tries to use Austins aftershave and zippo to make flames come from the dragons mouth]

Chastity : [Screaming to the "Council of Three"] For Phili's sake, use the Dragon killing items!

Verminator : I vill save you. [Punches the dragon hard in the face.]

[The punch catches the DRAGON square on the jaw, sending the whole group to the floor. KERSEY and PEBBLES each draw their swords.]

Kersey : [To Chastity] You are a lying cheat. We are going to kill you.

Faetan : [Tries to Spray the nearest of the three with flames from Austin's aftershave and lighter] No you're not!

Austin : [Gets his sling ready and fires it at the nearest of the three as soon as possible] Die, demon spawned scum!

[FAETAN tries her flamethrower, but only succeeds in setting a small fire on the head. Meanwhile, AUSTIN fires two stones at the VERMINATOR, and hits him once.]

Alice : Abandon dragon! Abandon dragon! [Pops out from underneath, sword drawn.]

Kersey : [Swinging his sword at Chastity] How dare you defile this holy place with your bastard creations. [Hits Chastity]

Pebbles : Dis'll quintin fimpin!

[The VERMINATOR and KERSEY roar with laughter at this.]

Clint : Attack! Attack! [Leaves the dragon and draws his sword]

Faetan : [Drops the head and lighter and aftershave. Draws her sword and attacks Verminator] Die, evil scum!

Chastity : [To Kersey] Despot lapdog! [Swings at kersey with her mace]

[KERSEY and CHASTITY engage, with CHASTITY hitting him a vicious blow in the crotch, sending him to the ground unconscious.]

Alice : Way to go Chastity!

[Each of ALICE, FAETAN and AUSTIN miss the VERMINATOR, who, in turn, misses FAETAN.]

Verminator : Hah! Three against one, and I will still prevail!

[CLINT and RANDOM advance on PEBBLES.]

Pebbles : Ur gonnadie.

Pebbles : Razzumgfruginfull!

[HARVEY runs towards CHASTITY, sword drawn, but doesn't make it.]

Austin : [As he shoots at Verminator] Chew on this, buffty boy!

Chastity : [Surprised at Harvey's haste, holds up her mace in a defensively.] It's OK, Colonel. Lets help Clint and the good father! abbreviations for the battles. That's a lot of typing!

Faetan : [Seeing Chastity's victory] Holy shit! Go Sister, go! [Tries to cut Verminator down to size]

Clint : [Looking at Random dropping his sword in front of him] Yeah, I suppose I could use some of that Holy Shit to back me up. [Swings at Peebles]

Harvey : You go, Sister, I'll help the ladies! [Attacks the Verminator.]

Alice : Gah!

[RANDOM picks up his weapon, while CHASTITY arrives and swings at PEBBLES.]

Chastity : If there is one thing I can't stand, it's lazy diction! [Continues her attack on Pebbles]

[AUSTIN fires two stones at the VERMINATOR, and hits with one.]

Austin : [Shoots his shots at Verminator again] Yeah, and chew on this, Mr. Evil! --0-1730587415-1038423160=:88256

Harvey : By the saints, troop, this is the life eh! [Swings at the Verminator]

Faetan : [Hearty and wicked laughter] You betcha, Harv! And Chastity, you're on FIRE today, go get 'em! [Chops at Verminator]

[Each of ALICE and the VERMINATOR grab their weapons.]

Alice : Hey! That's my sword!

Verminator : [Looks at the short sword he's after picking up] I am sorry. I have mistakenly picked up your weapon.

[They swap, while both HARVEY and FAETAN swing and miss. AUSTIN, on the other hand manages to drop his sling.]

[All of CLINT, PEBBLES, CHASTITY and RANDOM miss, with CHASTITY managing to drop her mace in the excitement.]

Pebbles : Muhgonna killya.

Chastity : [Tries to avoid Pebbles attentions whilst retieving her mace] Let that be a lesson, Faetan, Don't count your chickens until they're hatched.

Austin : [Picking up his sling] Fiddlesticks!

Chastity : Language, Austin!

Austin : [TO Chastity] Oh, sorry sister! [Tries again] Bastard!

Faetan : [To Verminator, mimicing Pebbles] Muhgonna purifyya.

Alice : Much better, Austin!

Harvey : Die!

[Between them, HARVEY and ALICE kill the VERMINATOR.]

Pebbles : [Clear for once] Useless bastard!

Faetan : [To Harvey and Alice] You guys rock! [Goes to chop Pebbles. To Pebbles] Stitch this!

Clint : Who put peanut butter in my sword? [Tries to pick it up]

Austin : [To Clint] That's not peanut butter, eeeww [Grimaces, as he fires two shots at Pebbles] Chew on these, pebbles, Pebbles.

Chastity : [Standing back up with her mace and attacking Pebbles] It appears your end is nigh!

Clint : Aaaaargh! [To Austin] Hey, I tought I told you my weapon is not a sex toy!

Austin : [To Clint] You did, your 'peanut butter' afliction has naught to do with me, thank you very much. [Tuts] Filthy vagabond.

[Everyone attacks PEBBLES, who swings at CLINT and misses. Both FAETAN and HARVEY strike PEBBLES, and he falls to the ground with a cry.]

Alice : Yay! We got him!

Austin : [Checks to see if Pebbles is still breathing] We need the combination to the lock for the sundial and rod thing. [If Pebbles is breathing Austin binds Pebbles' hands behind his back]

Chastity : I think Kersey is just unconscious. [Goes over to check and search him]

[Although PEBBLES and the VERMINATOR are dead, KERSEY is alive, and is slowly stirring.]

Random : I've got the combination.

[KERSEY is still groggy, and doesn't seem to have anything of any great interest.]

Austin : [To Random] Oh, excuse me, I forgot that in all of the excitement and our time trip with the amulets and such. [Trots over to Kersey and ties him up, like only Austin can, using bizarre but exquisite knots]

Alice : [Checking out the knots] Hm. [Gets a little flushed, and is clearly impressed, and waves a hand in front of her face to cool down] Er, yes, well done, Austin. Very well done.

[The door creaks open, and TERRY peers in, before bursting into the room.]

Terry : What the hell is going on here? [Looks at the remains of the dragon]

Clint : [Putting himself in between Terry and Peebles] We just defeated the dragon. But be careful, it will be just a matter of time before it comes back to life. Check back on us in 1 hour, it should be dead then.

Terry : [Looks at the deflated dragon] It looks dead to me.

Kersey : [Shouting out] Terry, they've killed the Verminator! Storm the building!

[Behind TERRY, CLINT can see that there are a fair few more TERRIES.]

Austin : [Gags Kersey. Austin stairs deep into Terry's eyes] He spouts evil lies! He has been cursed by the evil dragon, brother, he will not recover for at least twenty four hours. We must help him in his time of need [Dabbs Kerseys forehead with a handkerchief] He will lie and curse, so we must gag him lest he dam his soul! He will try to kill us, so we must bind him lest he dam his soul! [Dabbs Kerseys forehead with a handkerchief]

Clint : [Pointing at Kersey] Poor man, he's allucinating from the whole dragon experience. He means that the dragon has killed the Verminator! Evacuate the building!

[A few of the other TERRIES enter.]

Terry : What's going on?

Terry : [Nods at Kersey] He claims that they've killed the Verminator!

[TERRY looks around the room, and can clearly see the dead bodies.]

Terry : Where's the Verminator?

Terry : The Verminator is dead! Then you failed to protect him. We will kill you all!

Alice : [Quickly] No! He's not dead, he's [pause] er [pause] um [mumbles something incoherent.]

Chastity : [Hopefully] Resting?

Faetan : [To Terry] Is Verminator dead? [Stressing] IF, he is we can ressurect him, but it'll take us a little while. [Goes over to Vermninator and checks for a pulse/ breathing] Such a valiant and brave warrior, he was first to strike the dragon.

Terry : [Watches Faetan, before turning to Terry] Is that the Verminator she's checking?

Terry : Idunno. They all look alike to me.

[The VERMINATOR is very, very dead.]

Faetan : [To Terry] Hey! This isn't the Verminator, I've never seen this guy before, who the hell is he? [Looks at Austin] Brother, do you know?

Austin : [Goes over to Verminator. Speaking to Faetan, pointing at the corpse] That is stange, sister, this appears to be a nonconfor, disguised as one of us. [To Terry] I hope we haven't missed the executions, please delay until we can come and watch, brother.

Terry : No one's being executed until we find the Verminator, now, [angrily] which of you is he? [Glares at Alice]

Alice : [Indignantly] Well, it's not me!

Terry : No, I wanted to know do you know which of them is the Verminator?

Alice : Well, you know how we all look alike. Why sometimes I almost think I'm Faetan. Almost.

Terry : Let the Verminator step forward, and we shall examine his secret scar.

Austin : [To Terry] Ohh, you mean the Verminator with the secret scar [Points to Clint] That's him, he's Verminator with the secret scar.

Clint : [With a furious look towards Austin; to Terry] Yes, it's me, but no-one is examining my secret scar. --0-1038972580-1038507064=:30267

Harvey : [To Clint] For goodness sakes, private Verminator! These Terries are your subordinates, your lackeys, your serfs! Order the blaggards out of the room and stamp your authority on the situation, what!

Chastity : Especially as you've saved everyone from the evil dragon. A struggle which saw poor Brother Pebbles martyred, and Brother Kersey sacrifice his soul to imprison the evil spirit within his own flesh. [To the Terries, raising her arms in the air] Praise be to Brother Verminator. Let the Phili's heart ring with joy as he has vanquished evil! --0-363544079-1038573134=:55051

Harvey : [Raises his hands in the air] Let us all rejoice at their martyrdom, for that is truly the way to Phili's heart!

Austin : [Watching the others praise the lord] Hmm, impressive.

Faetan : [Looking at Clint] Good, you're alive! That means I wont have to ressurect you! Praise Phili.

Terry : [Unconvinced] Let us see the holy scar.

Alice : Oh no, and so soon after breakfast, too!

Clint : Oh, for Phili's sake. [Turns to the Terries, and pulls open his raincoat]

[As one, the TERRIES fall to their knees.]

Terry : Thank you, lord Verminator. We shall leave you in peace.

[Mercifully, CLINT closes his coat again.]

Austin : [Looking at Clint] Hmmm, that was a close shave. [Smirks at his own joke] --0-1724628305-1038839266=:24920

Harvey : [To Clint] Well private, order these abominations of nature from the room this minute! [Gestures towards the Terries] We've work to do, what!

Clint : Maybe you shave down there, lawyer, but I'm not one to wax my bikini line. [To the Terries] Go on, get out.

[The TERRIES all back out. Meanwhile, KERSEY strains at his ropes and gag, but it is impossible to understand him.]

Chastity : [Hands still over her eyes] Tell me he's put it away!

Alice : [Very stilted] Er, yes. Yes he has. He has put it away.

Clint : [Also stilted] Of course, Sister. Nothing to be frightened of. --0-542069218-1038840234=:65731 Last from Conor - 05.08.079

Harvey : Indeed good sister, the man is decent, well, about as decent as he'll ever be, again. Now, [turns to the Random, quietly] perhaps when the room is empty, you can do the necessary with the combination?

[The TERRIES have left the room.]

Random : Of course, Colonel. We had better hurry, the Terries aren't that stupid, they will realise soon your friend here isn't really the Verminator.

[RANDOM goes upstairs.]

Alice : So what happens now? How do we stop the people from being burnt by the steak?

Chastity : I think you mean burnt at the stake, Alice.

Alice : That's what I said.

Austin : [To Alice] One of the three mentioned that removing the wand from the sealed room would be harmful to the Terries in some way, so perhaps it won't be so hard once we have the wand.

Alice : Hah! Then we'll show them who's boss!

Clint : You know, I think I can smell something.

Austin : [Generally] I'm surprised your olfactory senses were not burned out years ago. [Looks at Kersey] Has Kersey peed himself¿

Faetan : Heh! [Moves to door] I'll keep a lookout.

Clint : [To Faetan] Wait! It's fire that I can smell!

[There is a definite smell of fire coming from outside the door.]

Alice : [Standing and sniffing] Maybe they've started burning the prisoners!

Austin : [To Alice] I suspect that they may be burning us. I believe it would be prudent to open the safe right now.

Alice : But, we're not on fire. [Pause] Are we?

Clint : Random is up at the safe, and look! [Points out the window]

[The prisoners that the party saw earlier are being brought out to be burnt at the stake, amongst them is KELLY.]

Alice : I thought they weren't going to do that until tomorrow!*

Austin : [To Alice, offereing her a cigarette] They must be trying to purify the place as quickly as they can. Either that or they are hungry. [Lights his cigarette]

Alice : [Steps back quickly from Austin's light] Yeargh!

Harvey : [To Austin] Gah! This is not the appropriate time for your cynical drollery, Private! What are we going to do? [Listens at the door] By the saints! It is very close!

Austin : [To Harvey] Colonel, we should open the safe and get the wand, then see what we can do. We could use the time machine to go backin time and rescue the captives, or use the wand to magic away the Terries, then rescue the captives. [Enter RANDOM, coming back down the stairs, carrying the wand that the party saw earlier in the safe room.]

Alice : Yay! He's got it! Go on, Random, off you go.

Random : Er, what do I do with it?

Clint : Send us back to the past, I mean the future. Just some place where we can solve everything and no-one will get burnt! --0-910447143-1038939431=:39585

Harvey : Well certainly we could use the sundial to send us forward, but I do believe private, that we should rescue the prisoners first!

Random : [Looks at the wand, then at Clint] You do realise that this is not the time machine? That's still upstairs.

Alice : How can we rescue the prisoners and use the machine? Darius said that using it would probably cause an explosion, so even if we go back in the past and help them, we won't be able to get back to our time. On the other hand, if we leave here now and use the wand to scare off the Terries, we mightn't be able to get back in because of the fire! Man, it's times like this I wish Oswald was here.

Faetan : [Picks up the dragon head] Much as I'd like to get back to Himo and the present...it won't count for much if only the Terries survive the past. [Shrugs] I'm kinda starting to like it here anyway. Let's go save your woman, Clint.

Clint : [Drawing his sword] That's the spirit! Let's go kick some ass!

Alice : Hold on a second, Clint. Before we go killing any donkeys, let's just think a moment. Is there any way we can do both? [Peers out the window] We're on the first floor, so it would definitely be possible to get out, but is there any way of getting back in?

Faetan : [Looks out the window] What's wrong with climbing in through the window?

Alice : The fact that the building is on fire?

Austin : Is the building really on fire? [Goes to the door to carefully check]

[Before AUSTIN even makes it to the door, it is clear from the smoke coming through that it is on fire and will be into this room very shortly.]

Alice : Well? Go on, check!

Austin : [To Alice] No, it is obvious from the evidence before me, aka the thick and acrid smoke, that this building is indeed on fire. [Blows some smoke rings (from his cigarette smoke)] --0-2045075265-1039012486=:10372

Harvey : Well, I think we should get out of this building for now at any rate, and rescue the prisoners. [Scratches at a sideburn] I wonder if it's possible to bring the sundial with us? [To Random] Do you think we would be able to carry it outside?

Random : Not a chance. Anyone who leaves the building will not be going back to the future using the sundial.

Alice : [To Austin] Are you sure? [Bends down to look through the keyhole, but ends up getting a face full of smoke ring] Cough! --0-1600413146-1039013280=:12894

Harvey : Gah! What does that wand do?

Austin : [To Colonel] I think we should rescue the prisoners first, colonel, we can worry about time travel later. [To Random] May I try the wand?

Random : [Handing the wand to Austin] Sure, knock yourself out. [Turns to Harvey] As far as I know, it makes the Terries shy away from it. I think I can increase the area of its effect too. --0-1362851726-1039013956=:64164

Harvey : That would indeed be the best thing to do, Random! At least we've more of a chance of rescuing those peoples if the Terries aren't breathing down our necks! Now, let's get out there and free some victims!

Alice : How many people can use the wand at a time?

Random : Well, seeing as how there's only one wand, I guess that would be one.

Alice : [Clearly thinking really hard] Right.

Chastity : Right you are Colonel! My, it's getting quite smokey in here, isn't it! Cough! [Wafts a few of Austins smoke rings away]

Austin : [Opens the nearest window and checks the height to the ground, Maplin holds the wand] Okay, well I'm leaving this house now, we can continue this scintilating discussion later.

Alice : [Catches Austin's shoulder] Hey! You're almost as bad as Faetan for jumping out windows! Whoever goes out, doesn't get back to the future. [Looks around at the others] Who's the one who doesn't belong there? --0-1317574175-1039014650=:69641

Harvey : Well go on then! Chop chop! Less talking and more action what! [To Alice] Honestly dear niece, the mans bone idle!

Alice : [Theatrically standing in front of the window] No!

Faetan : You know, if you stood in front of the window that Austin was going to leap out, it might be better.

Alice : Hey, I never claimed to be the expert at window jumping out throughing! The point is, why don't we get Random to go out?

Chastity : Calm down a moment, colonel! Incredibly, your niece certainly has a valid point. If the good father Random has the power to free the victims, then there is little we can do, except return to our proper time.

Random : Good idea Sister!

[In the background, ALICE gives a sigh of frustration.]

Random : Amazing that no one else thought of that! I could take it out, and scatter the Terries, thus freeing the captives, and leaving you lot to return to your own time.

Clint : [To Random] It's hard to think straight, Father, when you're inside a burning building about to collapse. [Looks through the window] Can you jump this high? --0-2011515861-1039015121=:71776

Harvey : [Bows to Chastity] By the saints, sister, what a genius you are! Ah, it makes the heart proud to witness the clarity and logic of the pious mind, eh!

Faetan : [Clapping Chastity on the back] Yay, Sister! Great idea!

Alice : [Sulking, and glaring at Harvey and Faetan, before turning to Clint] He doesn't need to jump that high, only jump down that high!

Random : [To Clint] Yes, that won't be a problem.

Chastity : [All bashful] Ah, you know, it was nothing really! Just every now and again I have a moment of clarity, where everything, for that split second in time, becomes clear to me. It's almost like some tiny voice speaking into my ear!

Alice : [Arms folded] Well, what does the tiny voice say to you about getting the wand back? After all, that's why we came back to the past in the first place!

Chastity : Oh my goodness, I just thought! We have to bring the wand back to our own time, don't we? Perhaps if Random can increase the field, and one of us use it, while the good father frees the people!

Faetan : [Enjoying Alice's discomfort] Good idea, Sister! Well done for thinking of that!

Random : [Shakes his head] I'm afraid not, Sister. I can't increase it that much. Once it goes out, it stays out, and you'll have to use that time machine as soon as possible.

Faetan : Oh my god, gimme that [Grabs the wand from Austin, throws a chair through the window, leans out, and tries to extend the 'anti-Terry field'] --0-1055731695-1039017029=:68205

Harvey : Hmm, a condunrum indeed, what! I know, perhaps you can bury the wand when you're finished, somewhere we will know, so we can dig it up again when we arrive back at our own timeframe! --0-1055731695-1039017029=:68205

Last from Conor - 05.08.119

>Faetan : [Enjoying Alice's discomfort] Good idea, Sister! Well done for
>thinking of that!
>
>Random : [Shakes his head] I'm afraid not, Sister. I can't increase it
>that much. Once it goes out, it stays out, and you'll have to use that
>time machine as soon as possible.

Harvey : Hmm, a condunrum indeed, what! I know, perhaps you can bury the wand when you're finished, somewhere we will know, so we can dig it up again when we arrive back at our own timeframe!

--0-1055731695-1039017029=:68205--

Clint : Now that's a great idea, practical thinking! [Thinks for a moment] That's never going to work, is it? --0-1600084072-1039017263=:22285

Harvey : And why not, private? Do explain your objections!

Alice : [Ducking to avoid the chair] I think it's a great idea, but where to put it? If only there was someone that we could rely upon ending up in a certain place, we could give it to them.

Random : [Watching Faetan with the wand] Do you know anything about extending the field? I suspect you have succeeded into doing nothing more than attracting the attention of some Terries.

[Some arrows are fired at the window, but don't hit any one.]

Alice : [Arms folded, sarcastically] Yeah, Clint. That was a great idea of Chastity's, do explain what the problem is!

Clint : [To Harvey] Because you can count on some people [annoying quotes] "looking" for such artifacts and keeping them [quick glance at Austin]. Which place could be safe from such [quotes...] "explorers"?

Alice : Well, Chastity, what do you say to that?

Chastity : I would say, give it to Kelly Short, as she is obviously a part of your bloodline, dear child.

Alice : [Is about to respond, but thinks better of it and turns to Clint] Well, Clint, what do you say to that? --0-695670259-1039018297=:72024

Harvey : [Gasps] But sister, I don't believe she is! It's far too risky to give a complete stranger something that important! How could anyone trust one of Clints descendants, no offence meant, private, with such a responsibility! They might sell it to buy a turnip, or some such!

Alice : Hey! You mean [recognition finally dawns] Clint is our ancestor? [Mouth hangs open in shock] You know, that might go some way to explaining where that antique gold turnip that Daddy keeps in his study came from!

Clint : It would also explain the sudden bursts of intelligence you have from time to time, must be in your genes! [Looks at the keyhole-shaped rings of smoke coming from the door] But I think we can discuss this later, we've got more pressing matters right now!

Faetan : [Laughs] You have got to be kidding! An antique golden turnip, you must be so proud [Looks away and cringes]

Austin : [To Alice, casually] Where about in your father house is his study?

Random : Well, that's it to be? I can go down and, once we've got the Terry situation sorted, I'll explain the economics of turnip trading to the girl. --0-855213197-1039018798=:26808

Harvey : [Aghast] No, there is no possible way that private Scar could be in any way involved with our prestigious blood line! Out of the question! [Sniffs at his shirt and goes very pale] Gah!

Alice : [To Faetan] Almost as proud as if he owned a strip club. [To Austin] Well, he tends to move it around from time to time, for security reasons. Daddy's very much into security, and, well, strictly speaking I'm not allow - I mean, I don't like going in there.

Random : Come on, people! What's it to be?

Chastity : We've no other option, I believe! Give the wand to Kelly Short, we'll head back to our own time, where I do believe, we'll be just in time for a lovely vat of tea.

Faetan : [Sigh] Gives the wand to Random, please explain to Kelly that we must have the wand in the future, inorder to save the world. Mentioning turnips might get her confused.

Austin : I couldn't agree more with miss Jarl's comment. [Smiles at Faetan]

Random : Right. Best of luck friends, I hope we'll meet again, some time.

[RANDOM takes the wand and jumps out the window in a manner that FAETAN would be proud of, and kicks a TERRY in the face as he lands. As soon as he pulls out the wand, all the TERRIES in the vicinity pull back, as though they can feel heat from it. Each of them begins to glow a peculiar shade of blue, which is brighter the closer they are.]

Alice : Let's check out this time machine!

[The party run upstairs, and discover that the sun dial is made up of several concentric rings, and that the main part* can also be moved.]

Alice : Hm, how does this work?

Chastity : Hmm, it would appear the gnomon can turn to point at any part of the dial, so I presume we point the pointiest part of it to a certain date we need to travel to!

Alice : Actually, Chastity, I think you'll find that we just turn the rings here on the outside to the number of hours we want to travel forward in time, and then point the pointy thing in the direction we want to travel in. Don't you remember? Jerome's father showed us how to use this. --0-1027459680-1039020252=:81683

Harvey : By the saints, how many hours do we need to travel forward? We're not even too sure what the current date is! Gah, if only Oswald were here, he'd know! But well done for remembering, dear niece!

Alice : Who's Oswald? --0-671463901-1039020483=:89307

Harvey : Erm, I meant the good doctor Jerome, dearest niece! [Shakes his head] I really do need to get back to my own time and fill my stomach with something other than sandwiches!

[The fire is now at the bottom of the stairs leading to this room, in a few seconds it'll be on the party.]

Alice : Hey! [Big smile] I've got a great idea, let's get Phili to help us, I think that's only fair, don't you? [Looks around at the others]

Chastity : [Giving Alice a scolding look] You should know by now that it does not do to intentionally test Phili. It's not as if he's suddenly going to shout out the answer, or make a piece of paper with the answer on suddenly appear! [Looks at the dial] What's the machine set to at the moment?

Alice : It's set to zero. There are six dials, I say each of us spins one at random and see where we go. Come on! It's got to work, we've no way of knowing when to go otherwise. Lat from Conor #141

Clint : And which direction should we point the gnomon to? --0-2036050415-1039021353=:10633 Last from Miguel - 05.08.142

Harvey : Obviously to the one that points towards the future, private! I would guess to the right.

Alice : Actually, Uncle Harvey, that points where we want to go. I think one of us should spin that, while the rest take a dial each.

Austin : [To Alice] I think we should be more careful, we could end up in a world full of dinosaurs, or so far in the future that there is no world to save. [Ponders] Even worse, those anoying 'time police' could turn up again, smirking and all judgemental. Disgusting.

Faetan : [To Austin] It'll have to be quick!

Chastity : Well, as the one who's spent the most time giving purpose and direction to the misguided over the years, I think I should spin the direction indicator. [Takes hold of the gnomon, looks to the sky, and spins it] Guide us now, O'Phili, so we may continue your good work. --0-1671970002-1039021714=:84793

Harvey : That sounds perfect, dear niece! It's bound to work, eh! [Puts his hand on the first dial]

[CHASTITY spins the dial.]

Alice : Go on, Harv, just spin it. Each of us will do it then, remember, you just press the Gom in the middle to activate it. [Looks behind her at the flames] I think we'd better hurry. [Puts out the small fire on her dress.] --0-1025042996-1039022220=:86686

Harvey : Is everyone ready? Right then, here we go troop! [Spins the dial]

Austin : [To Chastity] I never knew you were a gambler. [Spins a dial] This might as well be Hysterian Roulette.

[ALICE also spins, followed by FAETAN, CLINT and finally AUSTIN.]

Alice : Oh no! It's broken! We're all going to die!

Chastity : Just a moment. [Presses down on the gnomon.]

[The party disappear in a flash of light.]