THE QUEENS VIEW AFFAIR BOOK III ACT I

[Book III, Act I, Scene I. The Mayor's House. AUBREY HARDING, HEIDI FRIECHENVURGENFURGERBURG (ALICE), MELANGE SPANKER (CHASTITY), VIC SWEET (CLINT) are here. Enter HARVEY.]

Harvey : [With a look of shock, to Aubrey] Good lord, man! What is going on here?

Aubrey : Er, Harvey, these are the actors I was telling you about.

Harvey : Gah! This is some inappropriate civilian drollery, surely? [Enter FAETAN, standing more to the side of the room and eyeing HARVEY with one raised eyebrow. She listens silently, her hands folded behind her back as she leans against the wall] Lasty from Eve #2

Harvey : [Noticing Faetan coming in] And who's this?

Chastity: [Walks in between Harvey and Faetan, all swinging hips and shoulders. Purrs To Harvey] Never mind her, who are you? [Runs her finger down Harvey's shoulder]

Harvey : [Looks at Aubrey, before turning back to Chastity, speaking through gritted teeth] I, madam, am Colonel Harvey Kinsgton Short III, of his Majesty's Fusiliers, retired, who, or what, are you?

Alice : [Jumping up] Uncle Harvey! [Pauses to take a bite of her sandwich, before crossing the room to Harvey] [Enter Austin, stage left]

Austin : [Looks at Alice] Hey, that looks like a great sandwich, did you make it yourself? [Points limp wristedly at Alice's sandwich]

Chastity : Hmm, a soldier! [Noticeably catches herself as Alice bounds across the room. Her expression changes to a more serious professional look, and coughs] I was forgetting myself. I am Sister Chastity Browne. Praise Phili you are alive Colonel. [Turns to the whisper to others] He doesn't look much like Dick!.

Austin : [To all, glancing at Alice, checking his nails] I do believe that you require my services? [Pauses and starts checking his hair in a small pocket mirror with built in alarm-radio-clock-torch. To the Mayor] Well? Speak up, why have you summoned me?

Harvey : Well, I see that the lack of discipline and respect that was all too apparent in Private Sleaze is all too well reproduced here. Mr. Mayor, perhaps you would care to tell them of the plan?

Aubrey : Er, yes, yes. It has recently come to my attention that the party first put together by my goodself has part of enormous importance to play in the Realms, which means their demise is all the more tragic. I have asked you all, and some others that haven't turned up yet, to come here today to formulate a strategy for bringing the party back.

Chastity : Why, where have they gone?

Harvey : [Again through gritted teeth] They have died, trying to save the likes of you. [Looks Faetan in the eye] Who, madam, may I ask, are you?

Austin : [Looks at Faetan, jaw almost hitting the ground, eyes fixed on her breasts, suddenly snaps out of it, composes himself back into character, pauses. To Faetan] Perhaps we should introduce ourselves, Colonel, like any gentlemen would [Bows overly low to Faetan] Good day to you, good lady, I am Austin Sleaze, Lawyer extraordinaire and international fashion debutante [Gets out a cigarette, lights it takes a deep draw] May I [Coughs and retches violently for a moment, then drops the cigarette and treads it out] pardon me. This is Aubery, Chastity, Alice and the Colonel. [Coughs, gets out a cigarette and pretends to light it and pretends to smoke it in a sophisticated but rather limp-wristed manner]

Aubrey : [Looking with anguish at his burnt carpet, before turning to Austin] Very good, very good. Do you know when the others will be here?

Alice : We do not need the others, they will only make us slower. They are as useless as him. [Gives Clint a quick, not so gentle kick]

Chastity : [To Aubrey, nodding towards Alice] Hmmm, Pot, kettle, black!

Alice : [To Aubrey] Cheap, stinking, whore.

Aubrey : [Weakly] At least they've got the banter right, anyway! [Enter Jerome, tripping over Alice as he does]

Jerome : Dr Jerome K Trindle, BSm, SSm declares all can relax, he is now here!

Faetan : [Glares at Austin, lip curled in a smile, and subconsciously crosses her arms over her breasts as she turns her head towards Harvey] I am Faetan Jarl. [A brief pause as she silently omits her lineage, and frowns] You're Harvey Kingston? Alice's uncle? [JEROME crashes into ALICE, sending them both to the floor.]

Alice : [Lying on her back, outraged, and unable to speak for a few seconds] Ow!

Harvey : [Gives Faetan a curious look] Daughter of the great HIMO Jarl?

Faetan : [Gives a mild start, looking at him sharply] You know him?

Harvey : Unfortunately not, but Aubrey here [gestures to the mayor] told me about you. [Offers his hand to Alice] Let me help, my dear.

Alice : Well, I'm glad some people in this room have some manners.

[HARVEY proceeds to pull her up, with no inconsiderable difficulty. Eventually, she is on her feet, while HARVEY is short of breath and wheezing.]

Faetan : Ah. I see. [She eyes Aubrey semi-suspiciously, unsure of just WHAT was told] Is there a plan yet? Any hope of getting them back?

Aubrey : Well, just to make sure everyone is up to speed - [glances at Jerome who is playing with some coasters making car noises] well, to make sure that most of us are up to speed. Harvey returned to the town this morning, having already been told of the party's demise, and that, apparantly they've gone to hell.

Alice : [Swallowing a small apple whole] How do you know this?

Aubrey : Because he told me. [Pause] You know that was a candle, and not a real apple.

Alice : [Apparantly happy with Aubrey's answer] Mmm. Waxy skin.

Faetan : [Sighs, mumbles to self] And here I was thinking I'd never go back there again... [Louder] Aramis and I found some sort of strange machine, Aubrey, we thought you might want to take a look at it. Harvey, you might be able to discern something too.

Chastity : [To Alice] I'm sure you can get some sort of cream for that. [To Faetan] What strange contraption have you found?

Alice : [Goes all dreamy] Ah, cream.

Aubrey : It is some kind of inverted rocket - we believe it is related to the party's current predicament. You see -

Harvey : [Interrupting] Gah! Let the lady speak, sir!

Faetan : [Blinks at Harvey] Well...ah, actually that's about right. The thing is massive, probably take about 40 people to move it from its current location.

Harvey : And that location is? What type of people are you talking about? Men? Women? Fat? Thin? Dwarves? Good lord, if it were forty dwarves we could probably manage with twenty well built men. [Takes out his notepad] That would equal roughly twenty five men of average build, or twenty six, if one of them was called Miguel. [Looks up at Faetan] Imprecision is the enemy of any troop, my girl!

[ALICE says nothing, but looks from FAETAN to HARVEY, obviously perplexed.]

Faetan : [Her expression is just about the same as Alice's] Err...maybe it would be best if we just went out to see it for ourselves, hm? It's in a cave not too far from here.

Harvey : Not too far? For whom? I mean, you have to accept, my girl, those dwarves can't walk as quickly as us tallies now, can they? Those short little legs would soon be tired out, what? And as for that large girl, well, if she comes, surely the average speed will decline?

Alice : [Thundering] What?

Harvey : [Flustered] Er, I didn't mean you, er, niece.

Alice : [To the actors] Why are we here? What has this got to do with us? [Tries to shake Clint awake]

Clint : Well then I suppose I'll join in. You will need a strong and adventurous fighter like Clint Scar. [Looks at Faetan with a not-so-scarry face] Bouh!

Faetan : [Not even looking at Clint, then turns and sees the face. She eyes him for a moment, then growls] All right, you can drop the act now, the play is over. What's up with THIS?

Alice : [Jumping back from Clint] Don't do that!

Aubrey : [Placating Alice with a hot buttered scone] Perhaps you didn't all understand my message.

Alice : [Angrily] I did not misunderstand!

Aubrey : [Smoothly and quickly] Perhaps my message wasn't delivered correctly. I would like this talented group of actors to play perhaps the greatest roles of their lives - that of [dramatic voice] The Aubrey Harding Chosen Party!

[There is silence for a few seconds.]

Aubrey : That's me. I'm Aubrey Harding.

Austin : [Sidles over to Faetan, pretending to blow rather sophisticated smoke rings. To Faetan] So, err, do you come here often? [Raises and enquiring eyebrow]

Faetan : [Looks at Austin for a second...then slowly scans her eyes over the rest of the party members and Aubrey] We are SO screwed.

Austin : [Looking perplexed. To Faetan] What now? [Glances at the others worriedly] Don't you think we could go somewhere a bit more private?

Faetan : [Glares] Do any of you even know how to fight? Do you have any battle skills whatsoever? Spells? Healing? Because this isn't going to be a picnic! [Suddenly glances at Alice and wonders if maybe she should have used another metaphor...]

Clint : What are you talking about? I am Clint Scar, the best actor, I mean, fighter, of the whole Universe! And I'm also a stallion when it comes to handling women, hehe. [Winks both eyes to Faetan] See what I mean, [over-exagerated emphasis] "Babe"?

Faetan : STOP that!!! [Face goes red as she backs away from Clint and Austin] Are we going to go look at this machine or what?!

Austin : [Getting the hint at last] Indeed, let us all peruse the maching without further ado. [Gestures graciously to the door for Faetan] Lead the way good lady.

Faetan : Er, thank you. [She clears her throat, and leads the way]

Chastity : [Tightly loops her arm round Harvey's arm] I'm with you soldier. Would you care to escort me? [Heads towards the door after Faetan, trying to take Harvey with her] You know I've always admired brave soldiers such as yourself.

Harvey : [Going a little red of face] Why, er, Sister Chastity, I would be honoured.

Alice : [Grabbing his other arm] He's [emphasises] my uncle! [Grabs a chicken leg from the table, before turning to the others and adding, by way of explanation] She did say it wouldn't be a picnic.

Aubrey : [Rapping the table to get everyone's attention] Excuse me - before we all just head out half cocked, perhaps we should all get our story straight.

Chastity : [Pulls Harvey round to a stop before he's even moved. To Aubrey] Very well. [To Harvey] There's nothing worse than being half cocked! [Winks]

Austin : [To Harvey] You had better watch she doesn't charge for that, old boy. Last I heard she was adding V.A.T. [Sniggers at his own joke. Turns away to see if the others are laughing, then becomes fascinated with his digital watch, which bleeps a few times and lights up as he presses the buttons]

Harvey : Gah! Private Sleaze you haven't changed a bit!

Aubrey : Okay, here's the situation. It looks like this machine that Faetan wants us to see will need to be brought back to the town, which will require the co-operation of between twenty and sixty townspeople, depending on their height, weight and gender. The problem is, given recent events, the people are understandably keen to get out of the town - but if we can persuade them that the party are still alive, I'm sure their morale will be increased sufficiently high to persuade them to help. All you lot will have to do is stand around acting like the party while I persuade them to help, and then [lowers his voice and mumbles something incoherent.]

Chastity : [To Aubrey] Speak up please, you trained off at the end there. You'll never get anywhere in this life mumbling, you know.

Alice : [Glaring at Chastity] Mumble mumble mumble.

Clint : [To Chastity] That's what you get from bad actors. The line of voice should always be coherent from start to end. Like this: [Starts screaming on a high pitched voice] I AM CLINT SCAR, THE BIGGEST FIGHTER OF THEM ALL! [Normal voice again] Obviously, only acknoledged actors like myself can do this.

Aubrey : [Sigh] And then, assuming the machine is what we believe it to be, you lot, Faetan and Harvey will descend into hell to do battle with Seth himself.

[A sudden silence falls, broken only by the sound of ALICE chewing her sandwich.]

Chastity : [To Aubrey] If the Queens View Players get a repeat season showing in the park when this is accomplished, then it's a deal.

Alice : What? What do we know about fighting with the devil? I know that we've experience of dealing with Chastity, but it's hardly the same thing, is it?

Clint : I think it is. But I'm ready to face all the devils in hell, I am [Loud, high pitched voice] CLINT SCAR! [Normal voice] And I've got a magic sword [Pulls out a wooden replica of beaucaphalus].

Chastity : [To Aubrey] To think you doubted our team work. I do believe that Clint has just demonstrated Alice's point with maximum efficiency. [A look of realisation comes over her and she shakes her head] Phili help us!

Aubrey : No need to worry - Harvey here has some magic items that will send each of you straight back once the party have been located. The plan is to use Faetan's machine to send all of you down, and then you well, just, uh, [waves his hands around] go back!

[In the background, ALICE glares at CLINT's sword, before taking out her own, foil covered chocolate one.]

Austin : This all sounds very vague, Mr. Mayor. We need to know precisely how we'll get out.

Harvey : We'll sort that out m'lad. We'll bring you straight back to the hellmouth beneath the town, and you can return here. Of course, it may be hundreds of miles from the others, but, well, you can't make an ommelette without breaking an egg, what? Anyway, you'll be safe down there, with these! [Holds up a bunch of talismans, each of which hangs on a chain. Each talisman is like a small orb, tennis ball sized, with a number of spikes on it.]

Faetan : [Glares at the talismans for a moment] So it's probably not the brightest idea in the world to declare to the townsfolk that the party's dead. I think you five, [nods at the alternate party members] should at least take some private training classes in the meantime just in case something goes wrong. Which usually ends up being the norm...

Harvey : Nonsense! Once we all have these talismans on, we'll be safe down there. The only time there would be any danger is if someone took theirs off, and what kind of fool would do that? [Laughs long and loud] They may be actors, but they're not stupid.

Alice : [Accidently biting through the foil wrapper on her chocolate sword] Ach! I just hurt one of my fillings!

Faetan : [Shuffles uncomfortably] Yes, right... Say, is it really necessary to move this machine? We could just leave it where it is, couldn't we?

Austin : [A little too loudly] Excellent idea, excellent! [Applauds for a good ten seconds, before tailing off, embarrassed.]

Alice : [Carefully taking the wrapper off her sword] If that's the case, why are we even here? [Turns on Aubrey] Why are you wasting our time? Why? I have an extra double fudge chocolate fudge cake waiting for me in my room, why have you dragged me away from there? Why do you hate us so much?

Aubrey : [Lamely] Er, Harvey?

Harvey : If the machine is what I believe it to be, it needs to be used close to the hell mouth. If there is another hellmouth nearby, then I would expect that it would work fine there, and you all can go and eat your extra double fudge chocolate fudge cake.

Alice : [Angrily, jutting her thumb at herself] It's MY extra double fudge chocolate fudge cake!

Faetan : Ugh...who can pack away that much fudge...? reference to fudgepackers...

Clint : [Struggling to put the false Beaucaphalus back into his pink "Glash Fordon" bag] Ok, so let's go then, Clint Scar never says no to a battle! [Pauses for a moment] Can we go to a quick make-up session before we start acting?

Faetan : [Growls] We don't have time for that, we've got people to rescue and Seth to kill!!

Alice : [Stepping back from the atomiser] Eauh! What are you going to do? Gay them to death? [Sprays some of her own perfume on herself out of desperation] Ah, the sweet smell of extra sour saurkraut.

Harvey : [Staggering slightly from the perfume] Do we have any more perfume to spray? Or make up to apply? Or can we just get out of here?

Faetan : Let's just get out of here. [Grabs Harvey's wrist and yanks him away from Chastity]

Chastity : [Glares at Faetan] Watch it, Girl. [To Harvey] I'll be sure to give you some religious guidance later, Colonel. [To Aubrey] As shocking as it may be, I have to agree with her [gives a dismissive wave in Faetan's general direction] assessment of our training requirements. I may have expertly handled some swords in my time, but none of them have been offensive weapons. [Pauses. Thoughtfully to herself] Although there was once that IT Officer from Scotland.

Harvey : [Pulling his wrist away from Faetan, and glaring at her] Madam, while I appreciate your enthusiasm in participating in the attempt to rescue my party, I will thank you not to haul me around. I am quite capable of making my own decisions, which, at this moment in time involves rallying the troop. Now, [points at Alice] you, pack your food. You, [points at Chastity] pack away those lurid Scottish thoughts immediately, and you, [points at Clint] well, you just pack whatever it is you people pack.*

Jerome : [To the others] What about the training? We will surely die?

[ALICE lets out a blood curdling, terrified scream, and staggers back against the wall, clearly a little faint.]

Aubrey : I think he said "die".

Alice : [Much relieved, fanning herself with her hand] Phew!

Faetan : [Frowns, shakes her head, then mutters to herself] I still think we're screwed. [A little more loudly] I'll offer some swordplay lessons after we get a look at this machine. But I warn you, I'm a harsh taskmaster.

Austin : [To Faetan, enthusiastically] Excellent, lets go get this machine then. I can't wait [Stands with his hands on his hips, then checks his nails, frowning]

Chastity : [To Austin] Calm down, you'll make yourself ill with all the excitement. No-one will like a hero with vomit down his front. [To Featan] Lead us to the machine. I take it we'll drum up help on the way. [To the group] Ok, lets get this show on the road. May Phili look after and help us all.

Harvey : [Walking to the door, and holding it open for the others] There is no need to learn any sword play - the talismans will protect us down below. Weapons in the hands of amatuers are dangerous to all but their enemies.

Alice : I know how to use a knife.

Harvey : [Bows slightly] I am sure you do, but the kind of creatures that will be confronting us will, I suspect, be impervious to a cake slicer. Let us go to the machine.

Clint : This is so cool. Will there be fake blood and all? We once used ketchup, but it left an awful scent on my costume. [Pulls out the fake Beaucaphalus again] Ah! Clint Scar will fear no devils! Lead the way, Lieutenant Harvey!

Faetan : AHEM. I'll be leading the way to the cave, for the time being. [Walks out the door]

Austin : [Inhales deeply, then exhales nostrils flaring] I do so like playing Austin, I feel like a new man. Perhaps we could begin work on a sequel. [Strides confidently towards the door, putting his Talisman on, tucking it into his pocket protector in his 'Lutz mornay' suit]

Harvey : [Glares at Clint] It is Colonel Kingston Short, to you, my lad. Remember that if you want the blood to be fake.

Clint : [Dry swallow] Ok. [Pause] Hey, where is the [annoying fingers] babe gone?

Harvey : [To Faetan, as she passes] It's just as well, isn't it, my girl? Seeing as how you're the only one that knows where it is, what?

[Everyone goes out into the street. Much of the town has been damaged by fire, and there are distressed people wandering around everywhere, some of whom are being tended to by NURSE TERSE.]

Terse : [On seeing the party, adjusts her glasses] By Phili! What happened to you lot?

Faetan : [Smiles weakly] Got the hell beat out of us...we're in need of some dire training soon enough. How's Doctor Proctor, he okay?

Chastity : [To Terse] Battling the horrid forces of evil face to face leaves us all affected, Nurse, but we continue the fight none the less for the glory of Phili. We are on our way to continue to save the town, will you join us? Some of our number may need your skills. [Glances round the group] Probably.

Terse : [Looking closely at Chastity] Good grief, Sister Chastity! What did they do to you? [Shakes her head] While I would love to aid you on your mission, I am needed here. Doctor Proctor is recovering, but incapicated, we have few medical supplies and many injured people.

Harvey : If you have no medical supplies, what are you giving this people?

Terse : A fun sized mars bar and a cup of hot tea. It helps.

[The party is momentarily distracted by some screaming from a small child who has managed to burn himself with some scalding hot tea.]

Faetan : Argh, poor whelp! [Immediately springs over to dry off the boy's hands, transforming from Faetan the butch jerk to Faetan the consoling nursemaid] There there...are you all right?

Austin : [Sees Faetan helpin the whelp, trots over to help her. To Faetan] So you like kids then huh? Me too. [Starts wiping the tears of the boys face whilst smiling manicaly at Faetan] There there. [Enter BRENDAN BUCKLEY.]

Brendan : Typical! Instead of battling evil, the party are burning small children!

Faetan : [Eyes Austin almost fearfully and backs away] Guh... [Then peers at Brendan] And who the hell are you?

Clint : [Clearing his throat] Ahem. [Theatrical* voice] Who comes there? Present yourself to Clint Scar, the greatest fighter of them all!

Brendan : I'm the boy's father, who the hell are you?

Brendan : [Prodding Clint in the chest] Don't you even remember me?

Harvey : Of course we do, you are David Buckley, Lenin's brother. [Gives Clint an encouraging look]

Faetan : I'm Faetan Jarl, who the he-- Argh...

Clint : Oh, of course, you are David Bucket, Lenin's brother! How silly of me to forget such a nice person!

Brendan : [Seething] I see you haven't changed at all! [Turns and storms off]

Faetan : [Growls] BUCKLEY. We'd best be hurrying on, we can't be bothering these busy townsfolk... [Tugs on Clint's arm to pull him away]

Harvey : [Smiling at Brendan's discomfort, before clearing his throat and addressing Faetan] Come on, my girl, show us the cave! We don't have time to be wasting here, you know!

Faetan : Arrrr...this way. [Stalks towards the cave] If anyone asks you a question you don't know how to answer, just say you're suffering a mild temporary amnesia from a severe blow to the head. All right?

Austin : [To Faetan] An excellent idea, not just a pretty face huh? [Winks at Faetan] However, may I suggest that we say that we have amnesia from a severe blow to the head, as the terms mild and temorary suggest foreknowledge of the eventual outcome of the assumed medical prognosis. [Looks enquiringly at Faetan, awaiting a response of agreement]

Faetan : Sure, right, whatever works for you... [Moves around Clint to place him between her and Austin]

Austin : [Jogs round Clint following Faetan, nudges in between CLint and Faetan. To Faetan] Are you scared? You could hold my hand if you like. [Attempts to take a hold of Faetan's hand]

Faetan : GAH! [Just barely manages to slip away, but leaves her leather glove in Austin's grip] I am the daughter of Himo Jarl! I do not know the icy grip of fear! A Jarl is *never* scared... [Hides on the other side of Clint again]

Austin : [Jogs round Clint, following Faetan, to give her her glove back] Oh, it's okay, I understand, people tend to find me to be a good listner, perhaps you we could talk about it sometime? I used to get nervous and shy too, before I was Austin, I understand completely.

Faetan : [Growls] I ain't shy... [Jams the glove back on her hand] Just focused. I want these guys back so we can whack of Dangsten's head. Sweet decapitation, mmmmm... [Relaxes]

Austin : [To Faetan] Oh, I see [Hangs back for a moment, looking rejected. Then looks hopeful again] Have you seen my watch? It has 137 functions, a rechargeable battery, solar pannel and it's heat resistant to nine-hundred degrees centigrade [Shows Faetan his watch enthusiasticaly, though not quite salivating] It has been tested in all of the most extreeme conditions imaginable.

Faetan : [Lifts an eyebrow] Not bad...and you'll get to take it into Hell too, bet it's never been tested there. And despite all the hype... [She shakes her head] ...It's really not THAT hot. Disgusting. But not that hot.

Clint : [Putting himself between Faetan and Austin] I'm THAT hot. A true man of the ladies! [Seems to think for a moment, then looks at Faetan with a charming look] How 'you doing?

Harvey : [Barging into the muddle that is Faetan, Clint and Austin] Gah! Stop this nonsense at once! We have a mission to fulfill, troop - time is pressing, and I fear Alice is getting hungry. Alice's Stomach : Growl!

Austin : [Still showing Faetan his watch] It shows the times in fourty-one different time zones simultaneously, and automatically gives a readout of air pressure and humidity.

Chastity : [To Austin] Does it retrieve special machines and transport them to hellmouths? Or combat evil in the very depths of hell? If not, I'm afraid I have trouble caring. Let's get on, for goodness sake.

Harvey : By the saints! [Scratches a sideburn furiously] Private Sleaze, I can give you a good idea of the pressure in here! [Points at himself] Now, [to Faetan] I believe you were sending us in this [waves madly to one direction] direction? Let us away! [To Chastity] Sister, it appears I misjudged you, for you are as sensible as our own dear Chastity, I hope you can forgive this old soldier.

[The party press on, heading out of the town. The area outside looks even worse than previously, with all the vegetation now dead, and all surrounding buildings burnt out.]

Austin : [Looks at Chastity and the Colonel blankly, waits untill they finish ranting madly, then turns back to Faetan, whispering] Weirdos. [Then normally] It also has a tooth pick, nail file and a concealed wire that can be used for cutting wood. [Looks at Faetan with a nochalant smugness] You might like to borrow it sometime. You could come round to my place and I can show you the other stuff it can do too. Hello

Clint : Yeah weirdo, stop annoying the babe! [To Faetan] Come with me, you'll need a strong male on your side to survive what comes ahead!

Faetan : Look, let's all just concentrate on the task in hand, okay? [Lets out a deep breath, muttering to herself] Suddenly hell doesn't seem all that bad! [Loudly, to Harvey] The cave is just over that hill.

Clint : Ok, then let the Captain lead the way! [Puts the talisman around his neck, and out comes the wooden Beaucaphalus from the "Glash Fordon" pink bag] CHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGE! [Pause] I always wanted to say that. [The party walk over the hill, and see a large cave.]

Harvey : [Taking out a torch] Okay, I'll lead the way. [To Clint] I need a brave soldier to accompany me - [breaks off and turns to Austin] I need a brave - [breaks off and turns to Jerome] Gah! [Enters the cave]

Alice : [Taking out her half eaten chocolate sword] I will follow him, nothing frightens me, not even the geek.

Clint : I will follow too, [Extremely annoying over-emphasis] Bimbo! [Winks both eyes to Alice] [Follows Harvey into the cave]

Faetan : [Barges ahead] It's over this way...all you have to do is follow the smell of Aramis' cologne, that stuff is *really* strong. [Glances at Harvey] And he hasn't even been here for about a week.

Jerome : [Holding atomiser at the ready, enters the cave after Faetan] Dr Jerome K Trindle ADD. MoD. begs you all to have your weapons at the ready! Today we fight! [Stumbles and bangs into Alice]

Harvey : [Looking grimly passed Faetan at Clint] There are worse smells, my dear. There are far worse smells.

Alice : [Angrily to Clint] Don't call me Bimbo! [Pulls up her skirt another little bit, putting what little modesty she has at risk.]

[JEROME clatters into ALICE, causing her to pull the skirt up millimetres more, putting paid to what little modesty she had left.]

Alice : You stupid man! Look where you are going! Now, what are we supposed to find in here? [Walks into the cave, straight into a huge rocket like contraption, banging her head] Gott in himmel! Ow!

[The machine looks like a huge inverted rocket, and will clearly take about 30-40 large men to drag it back to the town.]

Jerome : Dr Jerome K Trindle er...er.. ABc DeF. declares this machine is much too heavy to drag ourselves alone. He must get to work inventing some kind of pulling machine to drag it back to town.... [begins to fiddle around with paperclips and string from his pocket]

Alice : [Slips out a generously sized slice of extra double fudge chocolate fudge cake and starts eating it] Maybe we could tie Clint, Austin and Jerome to it and drive them back into town with a large, sharp, whip.

Jerome : [Clearly frustrated] Maybe you could just be quiet. [Looks to Clint for support] Bimbo!

Alice : [Pointing at Jerome, with a pretend laugh] Ah, ha ha ha! You are so stupid! You are calling him a bimbo, when in actual fact it is me! Ah, ha ha ha! Ah, ha ha - hey!

Harvey : [Quietly, rubbing his eye] Ah, just like old times. >

Jerome : Dr Jerome W Trindle HbC NBF declares we must decide what to do! [Pulls notebook and pen out of his back pocket] Ok, assets?... anyone?

Faetan : For the record, I am NOT the babe of the party! I am a fierce and fearless warrior, I kill things, and sometimes I punch things too. ALICE [points] is the babe. A bimbo yes, but the babe. every one of you.

Jerome : [Crosses of his list] No longer have the babe!

Alice : [Grabs the note book off Jerome, and throws it on the ground] Shut up! You are so very stupid, you make me want to defacate! [Turns to the others] If we need to get it back to the town, how will we get it there?

Clint : [Quietly to Jerome] What's "to defacate"?

Austin : [Smirking] It means she wants a number two. [Checks his nails, then examines his Talisman] So, tell me exactly how these things work again?

Alice : [Looking at Austin with extreme distaste] Oh. It's okay. I already have one here.

Harvey : The talisman will protect you once we're in hell - we need this [gestures at the machine] contraption to get us in there. I'm sure the eggheads back at the town will explain how it works. Apparantly it is possible to get in without the machine, but that requires some really peculiar concentrate that is quite poisonous and can drive people insanse after merely touching it, let alone consuming it.

Clint : [To Alice] I knew your parfume was awful, but I didn't know it could take us to hell, [quick glance at Jerome] BIMBO!

Austin : [Sniggers, then struts around Harvey] Oh, so it would have no effect on Jerome then. [Tucks his Talisman back into the pocket protector (He is still wearing it though, as if he is already in Hell]

Chastity : [Puts on her pendant, eventually] Oh, those small spikes are a bit of a hazard. [Looks down her habit, fiddling about with an unseen piece of underwear, glancing up every now and again to make sure CLint, Jerome or Austin aren't try to catch a glance] That's better. [To Harvey] Where are we going to get a team of strapping men to help us? You can't use your army connections to rustle up a colloection of soldiers, could you?

Alice : [To Clint] Why are you calling him a Bimbo? We are supposed to be like the original party - yet you are too stupid to like anything other than an irritating piece of bratwurst stuck between someone's teeth.

Harvey : [To Chastity] I feared this may be the case - we will have to get people from the town to help us. This is why the mayor got you all together, in case we needed to whip up support from the town. [Looks at the bickering party] Are you up to it?

Chastity : [To Harvey] Well I am, but I'm not sure if some of the others are capable of whipping up cream let alone support for our cause.

Austin : [Frowns at Chastity's turn of phrase] Let's return to the town then, without further ado, or put downs or cheap remarks, I miss my audience. [Gets out a nail polisher and polishes, in a 'finishing touches' manner]

Alice : How ironic, as when they throw rotten fruit at you, they almost never miss.

[The party trudge back to the town, where people can be seen leaving it, carrying all kinds of belongings, e.g. furniture, shoes, sticks with large handkerchiefs tied into balls at the end, etc.]

Faetan : Hmmmm... [Rubs her chin] We could always lie and say there's a bug-eyed monster waiting outside to eat stragglers, and say the machine is a B.E.M. annihilator...they might bring it in then.

Alice : What kind of idea is that? [Pauses momentarily to open an extra large packet of cheese and onion flavoured crisps] Why would they go outside the monster is there? [Wolfs down a large handful of crisps, covering herself and most of the party in crumbs as she does so]

Faetan : Exactly, they won't. In the meantime, we'll 'distract' the monster long enough for them to move the machine.

Clint : [Watching closely as a couple of muscular circus actors pass by] Hummm... I wouldn't mind asking some of these fine men for help! [Pause, sudden realisation] Because they're big and thick, of course. [Pause, sudden realisation] I'm talking about their muscles. [Pause, sudden realisation] To pull the machine, that is.

Harvey : [Doubtfully] Ye-es. Yes. I see. Lying to the public during a military operation? I can't say that it doesn't appeal to me, but I believe it to be the case that we will need their assistance to launch the rocket, which in turn will propel is into hell.

Chastity : [Pulling crisp crumbs from her hair] We could just tell them a wild story about rescuing their homes by moving the machine to stop an invasion from Hell whilst this heroic group bravely step into the depths to combat the evil at its source. Or is that too improbable.

Faetan : [Shrugs] I don't think we want to mention to them that we're going to hell. It doesn't exactly inspire courage.

Chastity : But we are going in Phili's name to vanquish evil and return in a blaze or glory. Em, for Phili that is, of course, not for our own profit or next installment of a play in the park.

Faetan : Not that it matters. We just want to avoid sounding like we're going into a hopeless type of situation. [Sighs] It's a shame Sven isn't around, he was always good at drumming up public morale and support.

Austin : [Calls to the firemen types] Yoohoo! [Trots towards them. To the Firemen] Could you finely muscled gentlemen please help me and my team lift a machine, it won't take a mo [Smiles, expectantly] It will help us defeat the evil ones!

Harvey : [To Chastity, doubtfully] Ye-es. Yes. I see. Telling the truth to the public during a military operation? I can't say that it appeals to me, but I believe it may be the best course of action. [Turns to Faetan] Ah yes, good old Sven. I was never fortunate enough to fight by his side, but the others told me much about him. When I discover what oaf was responsible for his death, there will be much suffering!

Fireman : [To Austin] I'm not a fireman, I'm just a fleeing, panicking townsperson!

Austin : [Suprised] I did not suggest that you were firemen, even though I may have fantisised about it, I merely commented that you appeared to be finely muscled gentlemen. [Smiles politely] Could you and perhaps some of your friends help us lift a heavy machine, then you can be on your way and my team and I shall defeat the evil that destroyed [looks around] everything.

Chastity : [Rushes to Austin's side. To fireman, looking him up and down] I'm sure you'll find helping us very... [pauses for effect and looks fireman in the eyes]...rewarding.

Fireman : [Angrily to Austin] You didn't need to say it, I knew what you were thinking. People always think that I'm a fireman, and I'm sick of it! Sick of it, do you hear?

Alice : [Smiles at the Fireman] Do you know what I'm thinking?

Fireman : Either that I'm a fireman or that the large piece of chocolate that dropped between your boobs will start to melt soon.

Alice : Oh no! My chocolate!

Faetan : [Raising an eyebrow] If you don't want people to think you're a fireman, then you shouldn't dress like one.

Chastity : [still looking fireman directly in his eyes, licking her lower lip. To fireman, softly] Unless you really want to of course. [flicks her hair] got the rest of the village people!!

Fireman : [Indignantly] I'm not dressed as a Fireman! I'm dressed as an astronaut! [Storms off, angrily, but stops, and comes back to Chastity, and gives a bright smile] How're you doin'?

Faetan : [Taking a step back and blinking hard] Well I'll be... [Rubs her chin, thinking this over for a bit]

Harvey : A man dressed as a fireman, pretending not to be a fireman, and a woman dressed as a nun, not acting at all like a nun, why, [struggles with this concept] Gah! This is time wasting of the worst kind, the worst kind! This didn't go through to you two! Stupid ul.ie address...I hateses it!

Faetan : [To Harvey] Shhhh, shhh shh shh...not if it's working, right? [Winks] She might just be able to persuade him into getting his buddies to bring the rocket into town.

Chastity : [Wiggles her way up to fireman, putting on a "puppy dog" look for his benefit. To Fireman] Well, I'm in a bit of a fix. I got this heavy machine to get moved to save the town, but I'm only a girl. [Pouts a bit] What I need is a [emphasises] big, strong man and some of his friends to help me. Could you help little old me? [Runs her hand down Fireman's chest] I'd be ever so grateful.

Fireman : To save the town? I suppose - say, are you the party that killed Iok Sotot? That went to the moon?

Chastity : Well, we may have had the odd bit of excitement. Yes. [Gives a thumbs up behind her back to the group, so that Fireman can't see]

Alice : [Pointing at Chastity] Vat is wrong with your thumbs?

Faetan : [Awed] Well...I'll be... [Moves over towards Alice] I guess we should do likewise. Try to. Em. Yes. To someone else, not the fi--astronaut. [Starts glancing around for any others that might appear strong]

Austin : [Puffing his chest out as far as it will go (not far). Smiles at Faetan] Hi.

Faetan : Hullo. [Keeps looking]

Chastity : [Takes her hand from her back and puts it lightly on Fireman's arm] I'm sure the towns folk would all be very grateful as well. [Flutters her eye lashes] But not as grateful as me. Come with me, I'll show you in the cave. I'm sure it'll be no effort for such a mighty fellow such as yourself.>

Alice : [Gives Faetan an incredulous look] Well, if you think it would help. [Looks away for second, and then turns to Faetan with her sultriest, sulkiest look, her ripe, red lips glistening with moisture] Well, I'm in a bit of a fix. I got this heavy machine to get moved to save the town, but I'm only a girl. [Pouts a bit] What I need is a [emphasises] big, strong er, man and some of his friends to help me. Could you help little old me?

Harvey : Damn it all! This will take all day! We need to get a group of them at once!

Austin : [Skips upto Alice] I can help you. [Big smiles] Have we established the ownership of the machine yet?

Faetan : Right you are! So glad you agreed to help! [Gives him a little nudge towards the Amazonian Liberation Organization group, then turns to Alice] Very nice, go practice on that group of men. [Gives her a little nudge towards them...then latches onto the arm of the first non-party male to come by] O woe! Aid a damsel in distress!

Alice : [Looks at the men, before looking at Austin] Ve are heroes, we do not have to claim ownership.

[FAETAN grabs hold of ALLEN WOODY.]

Allen : [A little confused] A damsel in distress? Well, of course I'd help a damsel in distress, or even [points at Alice] that dress. [Turns and looks into the distance, apparantly addressing someone unseen to the party] So that was it, she just barged into my life, and all my dreams of retiring to the little scone and tea shoppe with Mary Beth suddenly went out the window.

Faetan : [Takes his chin, turning his face towards hers which is...well...rather close] There's a machine in a cave, not too far from here, that we simply *must* relocate to this position. We desperately need help in moving it...say, 30-40 men... Can you help me? [Flutters eyelashes] 'Cause I can benchpress 200 pounds! [Flutters eyelashes again]

Austin : [Looks at the Amazonian Liberation Organization, shoves his hands deep into his pockets, remember that he is Austin and takes them out again] Wow! [Walks smartly up to the ALO] Greeting ladies, my name is Austin Sleaze, and I wondered if you could help me move a heavy machine into town, so that I may use it to save the world. [Looks casually at his perfect nails briefly]

Allen : [Looks deep into her eyes and gives a big sigh, before turning to the empty space once again] What could I do? This woman, this amazon, this giant, who's idea of fun was lifting weights heavier than my entire house held my chin in her vice like grip. [Turns back to Faetan] I'd be happy to help, although the only machine I ever really got to grips with was front door, and even with that I often have to get the engineers out to help with it.

Faetan : [Purrs] Bring all the engineers you can summon. I'll be forever grateful, my darling...er... [Fumbles for a moment] MUFFIN!

Allen : [Turns to the space again] She called me Muffin, no woman had ever called me muffin before, at least, not as a term of endearment. How could I tell her that I didn't know any engineers? That I was forced to climb in and out of the window when I wanted to leave my house? [Turns back to Faetan] I'll round them up immediately.

[Meanwhile, AUSTIN has just encountered BERRY BERRY and WHINGER McCAOIN, two women on their way out of the town.]

Berry : [Bursts into tears] I can't believe it! I just can't believe it! This is opening the way for women everywhere to pull machines! This is for my Mother, for Susan Cartwright, for Tessa Jones, Eve Smith, Cheridan Reuter! [Breaks down into uncontrollable sobs.]

Whinger : I'd just like to say that - [also bursts into tears.]

Faetan : Wonderful...the sooner this machine is in town, the sooner I can show you my gratitude! Lsat from Conor #151

Clint : [Starts wandering looking for more people to persuade to push the machine] Everyone, please! I am [loud, high pitched voice] CLINT SCAR [normal voice], leader of the great team from Queens View! We need your help!

Allen : Great. [Turns away, and looks to his usual space] Show me her gratitude? What did that mean? My first girlfriend, Sarah-May Goldberg always said that I'd never get a blow job, could this be the day? [Turns to a man] Are you an engineer?

Man : No.

Allen : [Turns to another one] Are you an engineer? Man #2 : No.

Allen : [Turns to a third man] Are you an engineer? Man #3 : No.

Allen : [Shouting] For God's sake! I'm fifty years old and want a blow job! Are there any engineers here?

[A group of distinctly engineer-like looking men put their heads down and walk away nonchalantly.]

Allen : [To the space once more] Suddenly, having soared so high, I was resigned once more to sitting at home, a bottle of brandy in one hand, the old chap in the other.

Harvey : [Looking at Allen, shocked, before turning to Clint] That's the spirit lad! A bit of shouting, a bit of posturing, but let's not get over the top, okay? Can't have Johnny Civilian thinking that someone like you is the leader of the party, what?

Faetan : [Goes pale at mention of 'blow job' and quickly scurries away from ALLEN, running towards engineers] Gentlemen! Could I ask for your help in moving a very large machine into town? Please? [The engineers hurry away from FAETAN.]

Harvey : This will never work - we can't round them up one by one. We need a rousing speech, where the party establish themselves as the kind of heroes the original group really are. [Glares at Austin] Or in some cases, want to be. [Clears his throat and speaks up] Attention, everybody.

[The people scurrying about turn and look at HARVEY.]

Harvey : [Loudly] I am Colonel Harvey Kinsgston Short III, leader of a fearless party that is here to save your town, but we need your help!

Fireman : Fearless party? I don't know, they look like a bunch of actors to me.

Alice : [Indignantly] Actors?

Fireman : Yeah, you know that actress Divine?

Alice : What? [Draws her sword]

Austin : [Sees Alice's sword being drawn and suddenly becomes fascinated by something on his digital watch. Mutters, presses some buttons, mutters]

Harvey : [Prodding Austin hard in the back with his knuckle] Come on, soft lad! That's no way to impress the civilians!

Austin : [Snaps back into the fearless Austin character we all love so dearly. Standing up straight and smart once more, checks his nails briefly. Orating voluminously to the general populace] Come now, you too can do your bit and help save the world! We the fearless Queens view party have saved the world many times, and risked life and limb more times than Chastity has made weak double entendres. Now is your chance to take part, so you too can say "I was there when they saved Queens view, I helped them defeat evil!" [Swipes the air with his Maplinesque]

Clint : [Gets all excited with the big commotion] Yes! Yes! Yes! We're going to defeat them! We are the fearless Queens, I mean, the fearless Queen's View savers, we're great! Yuppie! [Jumps all around with excitement]

Alice : [Aggressively] Ve are going to save you all. You will all be as famous as Dr. Fudge, the beloved inventor of the extra double fudge chocolate fudge cake.

Harvey : [Looks disapprovingly at Alice] Or perhaps as famous as Dr. Diet, the beloved writer of 'Yes, you still have feet and one day you'll be able to see them again.'

Alice : I cannot say that I am familiar with his work.

Jerome : Or the good Professor Julius Sumner-Miller. How he got that egg to go through the neck of the bottle without breaking is one the amazing moments in Science! [FAETAN glances over at the party only for a moment, keeping them in her peripheral vision as she tries to drum up support from the engineers]

Jerome : Or the good Professor Julius Sumner-Miller. How he got that egg to go through the neck of the bottle without breaking is one the amazing moments in Science! [FAETAN glances over at the party only for a moment, keeping them in her peripheral vision as she tries to drum up support from the engineers]

Jerome : Or the good Professor Julius Sumner-Miller. How he got that egg to go through the neck of the bottle without breaking is one the amazing moments in Science! [FAETAN glances over at the party only for a moment, keeping them in her peripheral vision as she tries to drum up support from the engineers] [The ENGINEERS have slipped away, whistling a merry tune about heterosexual men.]

Alice : [Angrily to Jerome] It vas not amazing, he simply used a bottle of extra extra thick sour sauce, the one with the extra extra wide neck, so you can just fit the entire top into your mouth. [Goes all dreamy] Mm. Extra extra sour sauce.

Faetan : [Growls] Screw those guys, we don't need them... [Peers about] And don't anyone take that literally either!

Clint : Or nearly as famous as me, the amazing Hul... Clint Scar, fighter and conqueror of women! [Tries to burp, only to end up coughing]

Alice : [Derisively to Clint] Vat do you do? Cough all over them? A - ha ha ha! A - ha ha [cough, choke, spits up a particularly tough piece of extra double fudge chocolate fudge cake.]

[Despite all the coughing, and perhaps partly due to the enormous number of sexual favours promised by FAETAN, much of the townspeople are gathering around the party. There are about forty or fifty people here now.]

Faetan : [Looks pleased, partly due to her obliviousness of promising anything sexual] Well here we go now, shall we be off?

Fireman : [Standing towards the back] Off where? What are we supposed to do? Where are we? What's happenning? I'm scared, I think we should all go home.

[The fickle crowd begin to murmur discontentedly.]

Alice : You have to remember, they are part of the NTV generation, they have a very short [glances down at the half digested piece of extra double fudge chocolate fudge cake, before looking back up again] uh, vat vere we talking about?

Faetan : [Does NOT look at the cake] To the cave! To retrieve the machine and place it here!

Harvey : [Takes out his sword, and swipes it around] To the cave! Let us make history! [Swings the sword around some more, almost hitting several party members as he does so]

[The whole group make their way to the cave, where the machine is waiting.]

Clint : [Walking along towards the cave] Ah!, now you'll see, with this big machine we'll make a big hole and we'll all go to hell! It's going to be fun!

Faetan : [Whirls on Clint] You dumb moose, keep your mouth shut!! We don't want the whole world to know we're going into hell to fight Seth! [And of course, she yells this quite loudly]

Chastity : [To Clint] We most certainly will not all be going to ... oh I see what you mean.

Alice : [Even more loudly than Faetan] Vat? Ve are going to hell? The structural integrity of the extra double fudge chocolate fudge cake will be compromised by the excessive heats!

[On hearing this talk of hell, the crowd start cheering, and actually appear to support the party on this, with calls "Queens View Party Rock!", "Go Queens View" and the occasional murmur of "I thought I was going to get a blow job".]

Faetan : Hmmm... [Mutters under her breath] I just knew Northerners were weird... [Shrugs, and moves to machine] All right, folks, let's get the show on the road and take this sucker back to Queens View! Shake some tail!

Alice : [Points at Faetan] Is that another sexual reference? [Turns and points at Chastity] You are even more disgusting than she is!

Harvey : Gah! Enough of your confounded arguing! Come on, we have a job to do.

[Everyone gets behind the machine and starts pushing, with ALICE sitting on top of it, steering. Needless to mention, it doesn't budge an inch.]

Chastity : I shall sing a rousing hymn to lift the spirits as you push the machine to its destination. [Pauses, suddenly realising she doesn't know any hymns and is obviously making one up as she goes along] Hmmm, "For those who pull in Phili's name, their effort will not be in vain",...erm..."If you're trying like a moose, you are welcome in his" [pauses and cringes] "hoose?".

Austin : [To Alice, shouting] I do believe that your extensive mass is hidering our current efforts to move the machine.

Faetan : [Yells up at ALICE] Hey fudgepacker, why not jump down here and help us push this thing?!

Alice : [Turning back to the others, her lips covered in the tell tale signs of chocolate and fudge] Why are you calling me a fudgepacker? You are clearly too weak to push the machine. I am not hampering your efforts in the slightest.

Harvey : [Red of face and sweaty of brow] Perhaps [pant] you might consider [pant] releasing the handbrake!

Alice : I knew that. [Releases the handrake, sending the machine shooting backwards, almost squashing the people pushing it.] Gott in himmel! Vat is wrong with this machine?

Chastity : A bad workman always blames their tools, as my second husband, John used to say. [to the crowd] Push everyone!

[Everyone gives another huge heave, causing the machine to move back another bit.]

Faetan : [Looks pissed off] What kind of backwards machine IS this?! Stupid Darius...

Harvey : [Looks at Faetan, startled] Darius?

Alice : One more time, I have a good feeling about this one.

[The crowd give another push, and the machine pops back another bit.]

Faetan : [To Harvey] Yeah, um...I'll tell you about it when we get back. [Stops pushing and wipes the sweat from her brow] All right everyone, try pushing from the other side...

Chastity : [To Alice] You don't have it in reverse do you, dear?

Harvey : No, you'll tell me about it now, lass.

Alice : [Angrily] Of course I do not have it in reverse! How stupid do you think I am? [Glares at Chastity, before looking down] I mean, you should have said it if you did not vant the machine reverse! [Moves the gearstick with a lot of grinding, before the machine suddenly rolls forward a little, while Alice looks back, a little red of face] Er, I vas just trying to get in character.

Faetan : [Growls] I'll tell you along the way. [Pauses to work her muscles, then begins pushing] He left a message in the hilt of the knife he stabbed me with, detailing how to get the others.

Austin : [To Chastity, snootily] Not bad thinking there. For an obese 'escort' woman.

Harvey : [To Faetan as he joins in pushing] Save your anger for the pushing, not for me. What was Darius' involvement in all this?

Chastity : [Glares at Austin] How dare you, fop! That's 'escort' Nun. Em, I mean Nun. [Points at the machine] Just get behind and push, not that that's the first time you've been told that!

Faetan : [To Harvey] I'll never know for sure. Urgh...blasted heavy thing. [Digs her toes into the ground as she pushes] I thought I was dead for sure, but I woke up, alive and somewhat healthy.

Harvey : [Scowling] Yes, remarkably healthy. [To Alice] You, up there! Stop applying your makeup in the rear view mirror and keep an eye out for obstacles and pedestrians, eh!

Faetan : [Narrows her eyes, to Harvey] Just what are you implying, hm?

Alice : [Loudly, to be heard over the shrieking of the little dog that she's just run over] I am in perfect control of the vehicle, I am like der rainmeister! Although this machine lacks the teutonic engineering that I am accustomed to, I know vat I am doing.

[The town comes into view, and AUBREY is waiting just outside it.]

Harvey : [Glaring at Alice, before turning to Faetan] Well, I'm implying that you're a remarkably healthy member of the troop! If only the others were up to your level, we'd have this metal monstrosity back in Queens View by now!

Faetan : [Smiles faintly at Harvey, and inclines her head, continuing to push] Thanks. I 'preciate that.

Aubrey : [As the machine rolls up outside the town] Well done everyone! The Aubrey Harding Chosen Party Revivalist Group have done it!

Harvey : [Panting with the effort] What? What utter balderdash are you spouting now, old boy!

Aubrey : [Makes a calming motion with his hands, and whispers to Harvey] The townspeople like it, okay?

[The machine has seven seats, just below the rocket part. The rocket is attached to a large metal circle with about thirty handles coming off.]

Aubrey : Er, anyway. Now, we believe that if the townspeople pull down on the handles, the rocket will be launched and the party sent to - well, uh, sent on their way.

Faetan: [Rubs her sore shoulder] All right then...seems about right. [Turns to party] Make sure you've got everything you need. I think holy water will be a necessity. or shall we play it out and meet Moustache and Beard?

Aubrey : I took the precaution of getting some for each of you, I look after my party, the same way I look after my constituents. [Slams his fist into his hand] We're all going to have to tighten our belts, and put our shoulder to the wheel, we're all in this together!

Crowd : Hurrah!

[Enter SR. MARY BEARD and SR. MARY MOUSTACHE.]

Sr. Mary Moustache : Oh Mr. Mayor, do not tell me that you have been telling untruths! Sr. Mary Beard : God bless us and save us from lying politicians.

Aubrey : Er, I mean, the good sisters gave me some for you all.

Faetan : [Smiles] Ahhhh, thank you both! Indeed it was extremely useful in our last encounter with evil. Will you honor us with a blessing, sisters?

Chastity : [Taking the holy water] Yes , sisters, good to see you again. I haven't had the pleasure since my last visit to the Convent Wards [quickly looking around the townsfolk] erm...to help the ill and infirm in the name of Phili. [Looks at the machine. To Aubrey] Is there a drivers seat on this thing?

Aubrey : Yes, it's under her. [Points at Alice]

Alice : Hey! Sr. Mary Moustache : Of course, child. May you be protected on your journey. Sr. Mary Beard : God bless the holy and adventurous party, except the evil Austin Sleaze.

Austin : [Looking terribly shocked. To The nuns, stuttering] W-W-What? I am most terribly sorry if I have offended you [Fiddles with digital watch] Yes, I am very sorry, I and I-I hope you can forgive me. [Ducks onto the machine andbuckes in, checking that his talisman is in the correct position] Sr. Mary Moustache : [Blesses Austin] My son, it gladdens my heart that you have apologised. You know, you even look different now! Sr. Mary Beard : God bless and protect the contrite Austin Sleaze.

Chastity : Just as long as he stays contrite! [Makes sure her talisman is on properly round her neck and takes a seat on the machine, not next to Alice. Bouncing in the seat abit, testing out her elbow room and smiling] This will be my seat.

Clint : And me? And me? I want to be blessed too! And when are you going to give us the water with holes? I like holes. [Pause, looks around embarrassed] Err, any chance you can forget what I've just said?

Harvey : [Getting on, but turning to Clint] For that to be possible, Private, we would have had to be listening to you first!

Alice : [Angrily to Chastity] Do not shake the vehicle!

[The nuns pass around some holy water.]

Faetan : [Shifts about, rubbing the back of her neck] Everybody set?

Chastity : [To Alice] Shut up and wipe the fudge from your chin! [To Faetan] I think so. I hope we don't land too far away from the hellmouth.

Alice : [Wipes her mouth with her finger and tastes it] That is not fudge! I hope we don't land too close to your mouth.

[Everyone is now sitting down, and the townspeople begin to gather around.]

Chastity : [To townspeople] We shall return from the depths full of the glory of Phili. Farewell for now. [The people pull down fully, and the entire machine begins to shake violently. Suddenly the rocket hits the ground with a tremendous crash, spewing forth flame and smoke. When the smoke clears, the rocket is gone, as are the party, and all that remains is a large, charred crater. The entire crowd go silent.] Sr. Mary Moustache : They have died. Sr. Mary Beard : God bless and protect his holy martyrs.

[The crowd slowly slope off.]

[Book III, Act I, Scene II. The Depths of Hell. HARVEY, FAETAN, ALICE, JEROME, CLINT, AUSTIN and CHASTITY are here, having just appeared. They are just inside the locked gates of a huge, walled house. It is very dark here, and the sky is filled with black and grey clouds, lit up every few seconds by lightening, followed by incredibly loud thunder, and it is raining quite heavily. To one side is a large flaming circle, while off to another is a large well.]

Alice : [Eyes bulging, clearly terrified] I think I just lost my last piece of extra double fudge chocolate fudge cake!

Harvey : [Wrinkling up his nose in disgust] Egad! I didn't think you were that terrified.

Alice : No, I mean I lost it! [Waves vaguely around her] Somewhere here, when we appeared!

Austin : [Struts around in a circle briefly] It does appear that we have arrived in Hell, as planned, and that we should now enter the Hellmouth and return from whence we came, to complete our mission. I would rather not spend any more time here [Looks at his digital watch] We have been here for 56 seconds already. [Points to the ring of fire] Is that the Hellmouth?

Harvey : Yes, but -

[HARVEY is almost trampled by JEROME who runs towards the ring.]

Chastity : [Getting off the machine and looking at the sky] I don't like the look of this place. Lets not hang around.

Alice : She is correct. Ve do not have any veapons - ve hardly any cake left. [Shows the party that she has brough about eight extra double fudge chocolate fudge cakes with her] I think we should leave immediately. [Starts walking towards the mouth.]

Jerome : So long! [Dives through the mouth]

Chastity : [Looking back to the others] Come along now. Glory, cheering and an almost certain repeat season in the park await. [Heads towards the mouth at top speed - in effect a brisk walk pace]

Alice : [Looking around nervously] She is right - we have a show to put on tonight, we cannot dessert our duty. [Follows Chastity towards the mouth]

Austin : [Looks to see where Faetan is going, but heads towards the Hell mouth briskly. To Faetan] We really should go now, I could get you into tonights show for free [Beckons her to him]

Faetan : You damned coward, get back here!

[From beneath the earth near the group, three figures appear to shoot up. Each is about eight feet tall, and clad in a black cloaks, holding huge swords.]

Harvey : [Draws his sword] Let's get them!

Austin : [Goes very pale and legs it as fast as he can to the Hellmouth, gritting his teeth] I gotta go, I left my toothbrush on!

Chastity : [Increases her pace, which in practice just has her arms going back and forth more quickly, accompanied by a bit more wobbling from side to side] I've no want to test out these amulets. [Makes to go through the mouth whilst avoiding the dark figures] [HARVEY and FAETAN launch into the three figures, quickly cutting two of them down with ease. The third grabs onto FAETAN, trying to grab her talisman.]

Faetan : No you don't! [Bites down on the figure's hand, causing it to scream, before punching it hard in the face]

[HARVEY finishes off the figure with his sword.]

Faetan : Okay thanks, now let's go into the house and kill whoever's got them.

Harvey : Easy girl. You're a good man in a fight Faetan, but you'll have to calm down a bit.

Harvey : [Noticing that only Alice is now left] Eh? Where are the others gone? At least you've stayed here with us, my girl!

Alice : No, I only vanted to get my coffee. You have the flask. May I have it please? You may take some if you wish.

Harvey : Coffee, eh? Just what I need. [Drinks back half the flask]

Alice : Ah! You drink so much coffee!

Harvey : Of course, my dear. Like all good officers, I try to drink between thirty and forty cups a day - helps one make the snap decisions, what?

Alice : Ah [nods slowly, in understanding] so zat is why you sweat so much! [Takes the flask and disappears with the others.]

[Some more figures appear by the well, shimmering at first, but then become more real. They resemble the real ALICE, AUSTIN, CHASTITY, CLINT and JEROME.]

Chastity : [Flinching as she re-appears] ...no good losing your temper. [Blinks, looks around and spots Harvey] Are you one of Chaugnerer Faugn's brothers, come to punish us more? Or are you just a hopeful vision of the valiant Colonel Kingston-Short.

Harvey : Good Sister, it is I! The Colonel! [Strides up to the group] Alice, dearest niece!

[ALICE says nothing, but just steps back behind the well.]

Chastity : [Takes a step back from the advancing Harvey] I find it hard to believe. You are one of Chaugner's tricks. The last we say of our Harvey, he was sailing off in a ship full of seamen. It's a bit too much of a coincidence that he's turned up in Hell to rescue us, by Phili.

Harvey : Chaugner? I don't know what you're talking about, Sister! Once the pirates realised who I was, they helped me back to Queens View, and then I heard of the terrible thing that happened to you. Faetan and I came down to rescue you. [To Alice] Come now, niece, surely you can see it is me?

Alice : [To the others, whispering] You've got to admit, he is a little less aggressive than Chaugner.

Clint : Or that he's turned up in Hell, full stop.

Harvey : Tell them, Faetan!

Faetan : [Holds up her talisman] It's true. Darius saved my life, and then the actors came in to hell with us to save you.

[The others form a huddle, looking up at HARVEY and FAETAN occasionaly.]

Alice : [To the huddle, but loudly enough for the others to hear] Okay, firstly, I don't believe she'd keep the talisman on, secondly, why would Darius save her life when he killed us, and thirdly, the actors? How stupid does she think we are? [Thinks hard] Although.... [looks up at Faetan] Could it be that the actors weren't really actors at all, and actually secret agents?

Faetan : [Exchanges glances with Harvey, before shrugging] I guess so.

Alice : [To the others] What do you think? Are they truthin'?

Austin : [Stands motionless, staring into a box he holds with his only arm. Wearing a mucky deshevilled bulters uniform, with heavy faecial staining. Sores and boils on his face ozze gunge, but he seems unconcerned with them] Sigh! My precious dear Maplin, how glorious we once were.

Alice : [Sneaks a look into the box, before letting out a deep sigh of her own] Hey! If he really was Chaugner, he'd know what's in the box. How about we ask him?

Chastity : But Austin's just said what's in the box. So he'll know!

Alice : No he didn't - he was just talking about Maplin at the time. [Looks to Harvey] Did you hear Austin say what was in the box?

Harvey : No.

Alice : [Triumphant smile to Chastity, before turning to Harvey] What's in the box?

Harvey : Well, judging from the missing arm of Private Sleaze, and the melancholy way in which he spoke of Maplin while looking in the box, I would hazard a guess that it is his arm.

Alice : [Clearly disappointed] Hm. [Folds her arms, clearly stumped.]

Austin : [Soulessly] If he was the real Chugger he would only try and trick us. If he is the real Harvey he will have at least one honey covered locust in his pocket. [Looks back into his box]

Harvey : Gah! If only I did, Private. If only I did. The last time I had those was back when we first met that blackguard Darius - and that was weeks ago. [Pulls out his pockets to demonstrate] See?

[A tiny, fluff covered ball falls to the ground.]

Faetan : [Bites her lip, bouncing on the balls of her feet] Urrrrgh... [Finally can't contain herself, and charges at the group with a happy exclamation] ARR! I missed you guys! [Flying tackle at Clint]

Jerome : [Pauses for a moment, his lips working radically] But this isn't the way things should be! Due to a trauma to the hell-time continuum, things have been altered from how the really are! [Goes pale]

[FAETAN catches CLINT unaware, and knocks him to the ground. HARVEY, meanwhile picks up the fluff covered ball and smiles.]

Harvey : What do you know? [Blows a little fluff off] It is a honey covered locust! [Pops it in his mouth and chews happily.]

Faetan : [Laughs] You guys look like hell! But hey, at least your arm isn't on fire! [Holds up Clint's non-flaming arm triumphantly]

Austin : [Looks up startled, throws a piercing stare at the Honey and fluff covered locust as it disappears in to Harveys mouth] It is Harvey! [Then returns to a cold soulless expression] Perhaps further testing would be in order. [To Harvey] You are a fudgepacking spunk jockey with the all the honor of a stolen crutch.

Clint : [Punching Faetan's right arm in a friendly, not gentle way] Hey Junior, I really didn't think it was you!

Faetan : Well who ELSE would it be? [Grins, stands up to help Clint] And what's with the 'Junior' eh? [Peers at him for a moment] Say...how do we know YOU guys are really you?

Harvey : [Stops mid-chew, and points angrily at Austin] You had better be talking about cake, my lad! [Adopts a classical, rotating fists, boxing stance] I know you've been through a lot, but, by God I'll give you a trashing!

Alice : [Pointing at Clint] She's attacking him! [Pointing at Austin] He's attacking him!

Austin : [Suprised] That's the Colonel alright [To Harvey] My appologies Colonel, I was just testing you to see if you were genuine. One can never be too carful in hostile territory, is that not so? Now that I have ascertained that you are infact the honorable homophobe we all respect I would really like to know how the Hell [Pauses for the thunder] you are planning to get us out of here

Alice : [Whirls on Faetan] I don't think the question is if we are us, it's if you are you, because until we've established if you are you, we're not going to give any information which would help you prove that we are us, because, we know who we are, and if we gave away information proving that we are us, then you could use the information on us being us to prove that you are them, and not you.

Harvey : [Lowers his stance, and gives a wry smile] Well, Private, quick thinking on your part. Furthermore, only Austin Sleaze would some how twist an insult to me into a plan to establish my veracity, so you clearly are who you say. [Turns to Alice] Dearest niece, it really is me.

Alice : [Stands back slightly, looking nervously at the others] Are you all sure?

Faetan : YES! Geez... [Grins weakly at Chastity, even more weakly and almost sadly at Austin] Who's this Chaugener...er...however you say his name. Who's he? I haven't heard of him.

Alice : [Gives Harvey a hug] I knew you'd come for us - I just knew it! Chaugner runs this house - Dangsten devised some, er, [looks down] tortures for us, and he makes sure we are constantly reminded of them, and how much Dangsten hates us. He actually looks a lot like you, Harvey.

Faetan : [Growls] Probably some sort of shape-shifter, then. Is there anything that binds you to this house, or can we start searching for a way out right now?

Alice : You mean, other than the huge, locked gate, the really cross dogs outside and the fact that Chaugner will be calling us in any second for further torture and humiliation?

Faetan : [Draws her sword] He'll do no such thing any longer!! Gates can be climbed over, I'm certain we can find a distraction for the dogs. [Slides her finger over the blade and grins] If not, I'm sure I can deal with them.

Austin : [To Faetan] If we die here, we reappear as we are, beside this well, as we just have. [Looks at Maplin] We die quite alot here. [Pauses] I am beginnig to like it, it get's one outside you know [Looks at the sky, then back to Maplin] Maplin used to love the outdoors. [Stares at Maplin]

Faetan : [Peers at Austin] C'mon slick, we'll get through this. You and Maplin both. 'Kay? [Grins a little]

Alice : [Points at the gate] That gate can't be climbed - look. [The bars of the gate writhe and twist as though it is alive]

[There is a sudden wind, which whips up some dust beside the party into a tiny whirlwind. It quickly subsides leaving what appears to be HARVEY standing there. He is absolutely identical to the real HARVEY.]

Alice : [Breathless, and clearly terrified] Chaugner!

Harvey : Ugly brute, isn't he?

Clint : [Looking quite embarassed] Errr... [looks at both Harvey and Chaugner] Who's who?

Chaugner : Well, I wonder who knows all of your magic words.

Harvey : [To Clint] By the saints, private Scar! I'm me, I don't know who that ugly blackguard is! See, I'm wearing a pendant, where is is not!

Austin : [To Chaugner] That would be you obviously, since Harvey did not even know we had 'magic' words.

Chaugner : [Smiles, and applauds] Very clever Austin. Of course, wouldn't it be great for everyone to see how clever you are when you do your special [does a fingers quote] job? Or maybe my pendant wearing twin would like to see just how special his relationship with his favourite niece has become? [Starts to count out eenie meanie on the five.]

Chastity : [To Chaugner]We can smell the evil stench off you, like rotting dog faeces. We'll be able to tell which one is the Colonel. [Aside to Alice] Just as long as he doesn't change to look like Clint.... justice? Where's the humanity?

Harvey : Heavens above, dear sister! Why would I want to do a thing like that! [To Chaugner] I'm warning you now, fatso, you harm one hair on my daughters head and I'll be drinking golden ambrosia from your skull before this day is through! [Takes out his sword]

Austin : [To Harvey, looking near to tears] Is this the escape plan?

Clint : [Looks at Harvey's sword, then shakes his head sadly] We're in Hell, Harv, you bl... [pause] that [pointing at Harvey's sword] won't be of much help here, since we're all dead.

Chaugner : [Putting up his hands in mock fear] Oh no! Don't worry Harvey, I haven't had a chance to get at your daughter* yet, I've been having too much trouble with Alice here. You thirsty, Alice?

[ALICE doesn't reply, and just shakes her head.]

Harvey : [Smiles at Clint] Perhaps, but it makes me feel a whole lot better, private! Well, the sword, and...[takes an orb from his pocket]...this!

Austin : [To Harvey] I am not even sure if Holy water, and such like, would have any effect, when I tried to use a crucifix against them they ate it and thanked me for lunch. [Looks into his box again, totally disinterested in Alice refusal of a drink]

Chaugner : [Pauses momentarily on seeing the orb, before smiling once again] If you dare use that, then everything and everybody down here will turn on you. What these losers have been through in the last week will seem like a picnic compared to what will happen.

Harvey : [Shudders] I don't know, you've never been on a picnic with the Shorts, have you.

Chaugner : Well, let's see. Alice, give me your shorts please.

[ALICE slips off her underwear and hands it CHAUGNER, who makes a big deal of sniffing it.]

Chaugner : [On seeing the disgusted reactions of the rest of the party*] Hey! We're in hell, what do you expect? [Draws his sword]

Harvey : [Shocked] Outrageous! Die, demon! [Fires the orb at Chaugner]

[The orb hits CHAUGNER, and he disappears in a burst of blinding light, with a strange sucking sound.]

Alice : Is he dead?

Chastity : Well, lets make an escape while he's at least dispatched. I doubt he's going to be gone that long! [Takes a couple of steps towards the hellmouth, but suddenly rushes to the well and retches] Woooorgh! Cough, cough! Damn sickness! It was never this bad with the first twelve. At least I had someone to rub my swollen feet! [Tries to compose herself to head to the hell mouth again]

Clint : Okay, let's get out of this place before they come back... I can't stand them anymore...

Alice : Good idea, Chas! [Starts heading towards the mouth too.]

Harvey : Er, Alice, your um.. [points at her now discarded underwear on the ground.]

Alice : [Selfconsciously] Oh! Forgot to put them back on - it's just like when I was alive!

Austin : [Hurries towards the hellmouth. To Maplin] I'm taking you home now, sweet Maplin. [The five run towards the mouth, and gather around it.]

Faetan : [Suspiciously] That was a little too easy.

Chastity : [Wiping vomit from her chin] You do have point, we could have done this ages ago. We don't need those pendants to get out, do we? Last time we were down here, those damned to hell couldn't get out without a talisman. Unfortunately we fall under that catagory at the moment, however unjust! [Looks down and rubs her tummy]

Chastity : Well, lets make an escape while he's at least dispatched. I doubt he's going to be gone that long! [Takes a couple of steps towards the hellmouth, but suddenly rushes to the well and retches] Woooorgh! Cough, cough! Damn sickness! It was never this bad with the first twelve. At least I had someone to rub my swollen feet! [Tries to compose herself to head to the hell mouth again]

Clint : Okay, let's get out of this place before they come back... I can't stand them anymore...

Alice : Good idea, Chas! [Starts heading towards the mouth too.]

Harvey : Er, Alice, your um.. [points at her now discarded underwear on the ground.]

Alice : [Selfconsciously] Oh! Forgot to put them back on - it's just like when I was alive!

Austin : [Hurries towards the hellmouth. To Maplin] I'm taking you home now, sweet Maplin. [The five run towards the mouth, and gather around it.]

Faetan : [Suspiciously] That was a little too easy.

Chastity : [Wiping vomit from her chin] You do have point, we could have done this ages ago. We don't need those pendants to get out, do we? Last time we were down here, those damned to hell couldn't get out without a talisman. Unfortunately we fall under that catagory at the moment, however unjust! [Looks down and rubs her tummy]

Alice : [Steps up to the hellmouth] I bet we can just walk right through - [bang! She is sent flying to the ground in a shower of sparks.] Ow. [Pulls down her skirt, muttering to herself] Just as well that I put my underwear back on.

[HARVEY looks at her discarded underwear, and makes to say something, but thinks better of it.]

Chastity : [Pulls out a paper handkerchief to offer Alice, thinks better of it and just mops her brow] Phew, is it hot in here, are am I having a hot flush? [Puts the hankie away] Looks like we're not getting out that way. What now? Into the house?

Faetan : [Glances around to make sure no goonies are about] Well...let's try this, perhaps. [Very quickly, removes her pendant and puts it around Chastity's neck]

Alice : [Wide-eyed at Faetan] Can you [emphasises] ever keep those things on?

[The pendant easily slips over CHASTITY's neck.]

Faetan : [Shakes her head] If she can get through the Hellmouth, then we can get them, hopefully, from the actors and pass them on to you guys.

Clint : That is of course if the actors will give them freely. Why don't you give the pendant to me, I'll make sure [cracks his nuckles] that the actors cooperate.

Chastity : [To Faetan] As much as I appreciate you giving me the opportunity to escape from purgatory, I doubt that I would be able to return with the actors' pendants. Every time we've come to Hell we've needed a special vehicle, be it magical or in your latest case mechanical. How would I return? Also, this time I am technically dead, [indicates in a sweeping hand motion to the other party members] as is most the party. What's to say that I will be alive when returned to the land bathed under Phili's gaze?

Clint : Yeah, that might be a problem.

Faetan : If it worked for Tom Sellsick, who's to say it won't work for us?

Chastity : Granted, my dear, but can we risk losing a protective pendant at this time? It still leaves the problem of returning with the others.

Alice : But if it works - then we'll be straight out, and, like Fae said, it did work for Sellsick. And why wouldn't the actors help out? It would only help their careers, anyway, I'm sure they couldn't be as obnoxious as they seemed on stage. [Hopefully] Could they?

Harvey : Good idea, Faetan lad, but unfortunately it won't work. The talismans only work once - once we return they won't bring us back again, even if we did use the machine.

Faetan : Well @#$%. [Takes her pendant back and puts it on, then wrinkles her nose at Harvey] Did you just call me a lad?!

Chastity : [To Faetan] It's alright, he calls everyone lad. [To Harvey] Don't you.

Harvey : Yes, sister.

Faetan : All right then...I guess all that's left to do is beat up the master of this domain and catch him by his toe. If he hollers, let 'im go, and it's back to home we'll go.

Alice : Chaugner was the master of this domain - where's he now?

Harvey : I don't know - I didn't have much of a chance to read the instruction book for the orb, I just assumed it worked like the others. Let's see. [Takes out a huge, three inch thick book and starts reading] Congratulations on your purchase of the new Involuntary Demon Dimensional Transportation Device, gah! My old eyes are too tired for this. Young Alice, will you take a read, girl?

Alice : Of course! [Takes the book and starts reading, agonizingly slowly] Congrat - tribulations, on your new purse. [Pauses for a rest] These technical writers sure don't help the consumer.

Jerome : [Haggardly] Technical writers are the mathmaticians of the literature world.

Alice : [Whispers to the others] Is that a good thing?

Chastity : [To Alice] Apparently it's one step better than being a Statistician of the Cobol Programming world. Not that I know much about these things being a Nun, of course!

Alice : Yeah, but not as good as being the Logician of the brainless blond - hey! [Looks away, clearly trying to distract the others] Look, someone lost her knickers. Honestly, some people!

Chastity : Hadn't we better prepare ourselves to get out of here? We would want to be caught unarmed! Oh, sorry Austin.

Austin : [Turns to hold Maplin away from Chastity, so that he can hear her snid remarks. To Chastity, smarting a little. Through gritted teeth] Oh, dear, Chassers, Philli seems to have abandoned you in Hell, and allowed you to become pregnant to a demon. I wonder if the demon spawn foetus will try to eat it's way out of your wrinkled old womb? [Looks back at Maplin] I should be so lucky.

Chastity : If the demon spawn does survive, it'll probably be a thieving lawyer called Austin with a strange hand fixation. Or would two identical beings in existence at the same time be too much of a coincidence! [Turns from Austin, to the others] Maybe we'd better get going before Chaugner or some other hellish entities come back.

Alice : [Crossly] Maybe we'd better stop sniping at each other? I want the two of you to stop this immediately! Now, I want you to shake hands. [Looks at Austin] I mean, hand.

Chastity : I think we'll just verbally agree that we're on the same side. You'd have to hold his box whilst we shook hands, and I doubt if he wants to be parted with it. [To Austin] Is that fine with you? I'm sure we'll find a way to re-attach your arm soon enough. Unfortunately my healing powers would never have managed it, even outside this place.

Harvey : Harrumph! Now that we're all friends again, I suggest we check out that house. How well do each of you know it?

Alice : Not very well - most of us didn't have free run through there. There was a weapons room though - maybe we should start there?

Chastity : Good idea, Alice, well done. We may get out of here once we're ar..[glances awkwardly towards Austin] ..em equiped with weapons. Lets go. [Starts to head towards the house]

Alice : I know what you mean, Chassers, it'll be handy to have some weapons.

[The party approach the door, which is a huge wooden affair, with massive metal hinges.]

Harvey : Have any of you come through this door before?

Alice : Only with Chaugner - I don't think any of us were ever out here on our own. He would always bring someone back in if they got killed.

Chastity : [Listens to the door] Is it even locked? are people likely to try and break into here? Apart from us that is.

Alice : This is hell, Chastity. You know what kind of people they have here!

Faetan : People like you, you mean?

Alice : Exactly.

Austin : [Grimaces at Alice's dialogue] It almost brings a tear to ones eye, knowing that Hell is occupied by insane nuns and young women with no underwear and the mental viscosity of cold tar.

Clint : Aw come on, stop bitching around. We have to force our way through this door. [Prepares to kick it open] Will someone give me a hand?

Chastity : [Voice slightly muffled due to her bitting her lip, obviously trying not to look at Austin] Of course, I'll help.

Alice : [Gives a little clap] Okay, that's a bit more like it, everyone join in! [Looks around and slows down clapping a bit] Or.. or maybe just a cheer would do too.

Harvey : Why not just try the handle, Private? There's no need to kick down a perfectly good door if it is unlocked eh?

Faetan : But it's more fun. Most people would give up an arm and a leg for an opportunity like this...er... [Glances at Austin] Yeah... [Kicks at the door]

[FAETAN gives the door a fine kick, but it doesn't budge.]

Faetan : [Blinks, looks abashed] Then again, there's the old reliable method of just trying the doorknob... [Twists the knob]

[The door knob turns easily, and the door creaks open a tiny bit.]

Alice : Creaaak!

Harvey : What are you doing, niece?

Alice : Well, it's just that I know there was oil put on the hinge earlier, and that it wouldn't sound as scary as it should, seeing as how scary it is in there, and all.

Faetan : [Slightly glazed look] Oooooo... Weapons...

[The door opens agonisingly slowly, as HARVEY also draws his weapons. When the door is about six inches wide, DANA sticks her head through the gap, and gives the most blood curdling scream than anyone has ever heard.]

Faetan : Aaaaaaaaaaaaugh! [Slams the door shut] That was HIDEOUS!! [Door bounces off of Dana's head since it's in the way...] Aaaaaaaaaaaaaugh! It's STILL hideous!!!

Dana : Aieee! It's hideous! It's disgusting! [Glances at Harvey] Yeeeargh! [Looks at Austin] Phew!

Faetan : [Relaxes somewhat] Who the hell are you?! What are you doing in here?! [Looks at the door somewhat sheepishly]

Dana : [Makes to shout at Fae, but backs off, and speaks in a normal voice] Are you an arch-demon?

Clint : [Before Faetan can answer] Of course she is, can't you see from her face? [Quick wink to Faetan]

Alice : Yeah! [Points at Faetan] Look at her pointy nose and chin, and that wart! And all those wrinkles! And on top of that, she's got a big b.o. problem, is a real bimbo, a hypocrite, loves the army and is a geeky [delivers with a flourish] lawyer!

Faetan : [Eyes flaring] WHAT?!?!?! How dare you!!! I'm the sexiest arch demon you've ever seen!!! I'll have you know... [yadda yadda yadda]

Jerome : One could suppose that description might describe each of us... apart from the geek... Dr Jerome K Trindle wonders who that could be?

Alice : [Laughs and juts her thumb back at Jerome] What a bimbo!

Austin : [Sigh! Pushes the door open quickly and carelessly. Sarcastically] I wonder who the Lawyer is? [Does a silly frown, momentarily]

[As AUSTIN pushes the door back, DANA steps away from it, allowing the party to enter.]

Dana : Well, there's no need to be so rough! [Book III, Act I, Scene III. Chaugner Faughn's Entrance Hall. DANA, HARVEY, FAETAN, ALICE, JEROME, CLINT, AUSTIN and CHASTITY are here. All but HARVEY and FAETAN recognise the hall, and all seem a little uneasy to be back in here. The hall is about 60' square, with a huge staircase leading up. There are five doors leading out of it. Enter DOCTOR HART from one of the doors, carrying what appears to be a still-beating human heart in his hands. His white coat and face are covered in blood.]

Hart : [Holding up the still-beating heart, with a triumphant smile] Her name was Miri Nigri.

Harvey : [Paling slightly at the sight] Do you know these people, Niece?

Alice : [Wrinkling up her nose at the smell from the heart] Not these two, but Miri Nigri was one of Chaugner's helpers. Last Conor #1

Faetan : [Frowns, but otherwise looks all right] Well gross. I suppose everyone has to have their hobbies... [Starts looking around for weapons]

Austin : [To Hart] Hello Doctor Hart, I see that the sweet taste of revenge is upon your lips. [Shows him Maplin] Is there any chance that you could re-attach my arm?

[There are no weapons lying around the room.]

Hart : [Takes Maplin out of Austin's box, revealing to everyone that it is starting to rot] Hm, yes. [Takes a quick look at Austin] Yes. Let me think. It is but a simple operation. [Takes out a rusty, blood-stained spoon from his pocket] I propose we go through the anus.

Dana : [Claps happily] Yay! An operation!

Faetan : [Stares at Hart] Through the...?! Oh this ought to be good... [Leans back, folding arms and glancing around the room]

Chastity : [Looking between the beating heart and Hart's face] I'm not sure which is more distressing. But when Hart and heart get together it is [adopts funny gruff american voice] mu-yu-der! [To Austin] I'm not so sure this such a good idea.

Austin : [To Hart] Just how did you come to be in Hell doctor? I do believe that my anus has no part to play in the reattachement of my arm.

[A scruffy looking terrier type dog runs in. It has three heads, one of a terrier, one of a typical hell hound and one of a grizzly looking butler.]

Dana : Motorway! There you are!

Alice : Aw, did you call him motorway because you found him on one?

Hart : No, that's where I knocked him down. [Approaches Austin with the spoon, making a peculiar kind of sawing noise with his tongue] Okay, this won't hurt a bit.

Hart : [Stops his whirring noise] Just think of how easy it will be scratch your ass!

[ALICE can be seen in the background, wrapt in thought and then nodding slowly.]

Dana : He was a doctor in the mortal realm too, and was sent to hell for performing so much unnecessary surgery.

Harvey : Gah! Unnecessary surgery? That is disgusting.

Dana : Well, it wasn't so much the surgery, as the eating of the organs afterwards.

Faetan : Well, they ARE supposed to be high in vitamins and what not... High protein, high iron...

Chastity : [gives Faetan a dirty look] I can't believe you can defend such an awful crime. Cannibalism and unnecessary surgery! Outrageous! Despicable! Unforgivable!

Alice : But they do make you want to have a smoke afterwards.

Austin : [To Hart] Oh, I see, you are completely mad. Well in that case I do not want you to operate on me as I have ordered tea in the local diner and have to press my cordroy wheels before bedtime [steps back from the doctor]

Faetan : Errrr...well, I wouldn't know about that. I don't smoke.

Alice : [Genuinely] Maybe you should, then you wouldn't be so uptight all the time.

Hart : [Following Austin] I'm not insane, I'm just totally evil. [Gives a classic evil cackle] Now, [looks down at the floor for a few seconds, which lets Austin move well away, before he looks back up again, puzzled] Oh, I thought I had something to find, but I don't.

Dana : [To Chastity] Of course she's evil, what else would you expect from an arch demon?

Faetan : [Stops frowning at Alice] That's right, FEAR ME!!!! [Raises her arms triumphantly above her head]

Alice : [Leaning back slightly] Fear you? Or fear your body odour?

Faetan : Weren't you paying attention?! If I'd meant 'fear my body odor' I would have SAID it. Now be silent, or I will *smite* you.

Alice : Hm? Paying attention to what?

Chastity : [Looking around at the unfolding confusion and mayhem. To Motorway, whilst keeping her distance] I take it you're intrinsically evil as well, and couldn't tell us what is through that door you've just come from.

Motorway : [The human head] I could. But I won't.

Alice : I know where the weapons are. Chaugner had a torture room, full of all kinds of horrible things. He had thumbscrews, fingerscrews and toe screws and tongue screws. There were even [looks at Clint's crotch for a moment] well, there were a lot of screws. He's bound to have weapons there too.

Faetan : Yeeeessssss...weapons... [Eyes light up as she straightens with interest]

Dana : Hold on, you clearly don't own this house. Damned trespassers!

Clint : [To Dana] Oh, but we're special guests, and should be treated as such. Now shut the fuck up and let us work, or we'll send the arch devil [points briefly at Faetan] to annoy you. [Pause] I mean, scare you.

Faetan : [Glares evilly at Clint] The last guy who ordered me around got his arms ripped off. Then I beat him over the head with them.

[DANA takes a deep breath, and lets out an incredibly high pitched scream, causing everyone, including DOCTOR HART to put their hands over their ears.]

Alice : [Shouting to the others] Let's go to the torture room, there's bound to be less screaming there!

Chastity : Well it can't be as much torture as staying here.

Alice : [Shouting] This way!

Harvey : Why are you the only one who knows this, Niece?

Alice : Everyone else had to stay in roughly the same place for their, er, jobs. Mine could be done anywhere. [Makes to open a door.]

[The door swings open and smacks her in the face, knocking her to the ground. MURIEL RYAN stands there, wearing a blood covered wedding dress, and holding a knife in one hand, a cake with someone's head on it in the other.]

Muriel : What's going on here? [Looks at Clint] Nice suit!*

[DANA pauses for breath.]

Chastity : Excuse me dear, we're just all off to the torture chamber. [Pats her tummy, slightly harder than would normally be advisable] there's a delivery to be made!

Muriel : Why is Dana screaming? I bet some bastard man made her cry! [Brandishes her knife around with a crazy look in her eyes] I'm in a mood for a detesticulation! [Turns to Clint again, and gives him a warm smile, and flutters her eyelids, shifting selfconsciously] Hi!

Chastity : There's some hellish irony for you!

Austin : [To Muriel] It was a girl that mad her cry.

Muriel : Don't start with me! If it was a girl that made her cry it was only because she was telling about some awful thing that some bastard man did to her. [Looks around, and sees Alice getting up] It was probably this poor creature, no doubt knocked to the ground by a man!

Alice : Actually, I just walked into the door.

Muriel : Of course you did, Sister. Of course you did. [Gives Alice a quick hug, covering her in blood] Don't be afraid, this is hell, you're safe here!

[Enter CHARLES CARTHINGTON-MONTGOMMERY IV, coming down the stairs.]

Charles : [Shouting at Dana] Shut up! No one can concentrate with all that racket, shut up!

[DANA stops.]

Chastity : [Sighs] Another one. [To Charles] And who may you be?

Austin : [Stops, staring ahead] What the Hell are we doing in this house. Why are we not trying to get the Hell out of here? Harvey?

Clint : Because we can't, Lawyer. The stupid actors ran away with the pendants, so we're stuck here. So we might as well take revenge. [Pulls the sleeves of his immaculately ironed shirt up, filling them with wrinkles]

Harvey : [Watching as the wrinkles miraculously disappear, leaving a perfectly pressed shirt] If you had been paying attention, Private Sleaze, you would have heard that we are unable to get you lot out through the gate. We are searching the house for a means to get you out, although, given that these ... people [waves at Muriel and co.] seem to have got in, I suspect there is another exit.

Charles : [Bows extravagantly to Chastity] My dear lady, I am Charles Carthington-Montgommery IV, at your service.

Muriel : [To Clint] He's not as much of a man as you are, I bet you are really caring and understanding.

Austin : [To Harvey] Do you think it is likely that there will be an escape route in the house? What do we have to fear from the dogs at the gate, we are after all, dead already. Things cannot get any worse, at least until Chastity gives birth to Chugger again. What about following the trail of blood left by Dr. Heart?

Clint : [Trying to pull his sleeves up again] Stupid shirt. [Smells his arm pit] And I hate this parfum!!! [To Muriel] Of course I'm caring and understanding. Are you caring and understanding too? Can you help us out?

Chastity : [To Charles] My, what a surprise, A well mannered, if not slightly unsightly, gentleman. What are you doing in this ghastly place? Springer show! And it'll all probably end up in a punch-up too. All we need now is a chant - Conor, Conor, Conor...etc,etc

Charles : Dear lady, it is a travesty of justice. I was pulled into this terrible place by an awful demon, almost, but not quite as ugly as the one that accompanies your good self, for no reason other than my wonderful singing voice.

Muriel : [Glaring at Charles] And your terrible treatment of women. [Looks back at Clint, shouting] What the fuck does that mean? Of course I'm caring and understanding! I'm also very gentle! [Calms down] I'd love to help you get out, but I'm afraid I don't know how.

Harvey : [Gives a surprised look at Muriel, before turning to Austin] Private, your sarcasm is even less helpful down here than elsewhere. I merely said that we were searching for a means for your escape - not an actual escape route. I was under the impression that being killed down here, while a reversible action, is still not the most pleasurable. If you wish to try the gate, you are more than welcome to it.

Clint : This place drives me nuts! [Pause, realisation] I mean, mad! Let's just get some weapons and get the hell out of here!

Chastity : [To Clint] Agreed. Especially as you can ill afford to cavort with a knife wielding, man-hating, castration adoring psychopath. Although I do have certain sympathies with her!

Alice : [Pointing at the door from which Muriel just came out] This way.

[ALICE leads CLINT and CHASTITY in, only to cry out in shock.]

Alice : Oh my God!

[Climbing over a pile of weapons is GERI TRILLING, who looks as though she has recently been attacked with a large knife.]

Geri : [Smiling quite insanely] I've got swords, I've got sabers, I've got broadswords. I have cutlasses, falchions and scimitars. Brands, whenyards, glaives, rapies and skeens. You want claymores? Daggers? Stilettoes? I've got them, as well as bayonets, axes and haldbeards.

Alice : I think this is where the weapons are.

Harvey : [Winks at Alice proudly] Well observed, dear niece! Right troop, load up. [To Geri] I'll have a knobkerry and two daggers please, dear girl.

Geri : [Wiping some blood off her forehead] Are you going to hurt people with those? Is someone going to suffer? [Rubs herself saliciously and gives Harvey a look that is a peculiar mix of erotic and insane.]

Alice : [Helping herself to a long sword] This looks perfect, I don't know why I never used one of these instead of my old short sword. [Swings the sword around, almost immediately getting it stuck in an overhead beam] Ah.

Harvey : [A bit uncomfortable] Urm, well, there is every chance that people will be hurt. [Quickly] But only bad people. People who deserve it. People who need to feel the quick cut and slice of cold steel in order to mend their wrongdoing ways.

Geri : [Running her hands up through the back of her hair and down over her face, sighing deeply] Tell me more about cutting and slicing.

Alice : [Hands on hips, angrily] Look, we're on an important mission here, we don't have time for groupies and amatuers!

[Bonk. ALICE's sword falls out of the ceiling and hits her hard on the head.]

Alice : Ow!

Muriel : [Turns to Geri, pointing her knife at her] Shut up, Geri, remember your place here.

Faetan : [Obviously in heaven] Weapons...swords...scimitars...do you have anything that is lit with fire?! There's nothing better than a flaming weapon...

Alice : [Still rubbing her head] That really hurt!

Geri : [Rolling over on her back across the weapons] We have clubs, maces, hand arms, missile weapons, battering rams, wind guns, air guns, automatic guns! [Gets very excited] We've got projectiles, combustibles, explosives, and -

[Slap. GERI gets a face full of severed head from MURIEL.]

Muriel : Shut! Up!

[Although there is a reasonable selection of weapons in the room, clearly not all of those mentioned by GERI are present.]

Faetan : [Drools] Ehbulzahhhhh... [Starts rummaging happily] scimitar (or normal one if there is no fire), claymore, two boot knives, a large hunting dagger, a sling, and any light armor that wouldn't hinder movement! Don't know what all is available, but here's to hoping!

Geri : [Watching, transfixed as Faetan stocks up, before speaking in a sing-song voice] Looks like she knows weapons!

Dana : [Brief, high pitched, ear-drum bursting scream] Doctor Hart - get me her kidney.

Hart : My pleasure.

Dana : And Doctor Hart? Let's take the long route this time.

Hart : [Taking out his spoon] Whirrr!

[GERI pushes back into a corner of the room, looking terrified.]

Faetan : [Snarls as she turns around, pointing a nasty claymore at the doctor] Hell NO!!! Any woman who has such a fine appreciation of what really matters in life isn't getting any organs removed, so help me!!

Clint : [Picking Alice's long sword] This looks just fine. [To the others] I don't think we should let the only person who's helped us so far get a spoon job, should we?

Harvey : She certainly does not, private. [Takes out his sword and turns to Hart] Leave the lady alone, doctor!

Clint : [To Hart] You heard what the Colonel said, Doc.

Hart : [Makes a kind of engine breaking down sound] Oh-kay, but I don't think old Sarasate's going to be happy with you.

Dana : Yeah, the hills are going to be alive with sound, alright, but it won't be with music!

[All of them, including GERI roar with laughter. They stop abruptly as SARASATE comes down the stairs.]

Sarasate : What the hell is all this noise about? What's going on here?

Faetan : [Stops staring at Clint's impeccable cleanliness] Who wants to know?

Sarasate : I do.

[SARASATE's group all smile broadly and draw weapons, except for DR. HART, who waves his spoon about.]

Hart : Whirrrr!

Clint : [To himself] Me and my stupid habit to protect the ladies. [To Sarasate's group, shouting] If you want a fight you've got it, assholes! [All of SARASATE's group gasp in hurt shock.]

Dana : Hey, I know this is hell, but easy on the language, okay?

Sarasate : [Coming down the stairs] No one's looking for a fight, let's all just calm down, okay? I'm Sarasate Fray, Arch-Demon of Nether Realms 90210, and impressario extraordinaire. Who are you people?

Chastity : We are intrepid adventurers bound to hell. A play has been scripted, albeit badly, about our exploits, if you are interested. [Sidles her way towards the weapons, looking for a nice looking mace, similar to her last one]

Sarasate : A play you say? Sarasate's mob : [Shocked, in panto style, putting their hands up to illustrate just how shocked] A play?

Geri : [Watching Chastity pick up a hefty mace, with a nervous excitement] You gonna kill a lot of people with that?

Sarasate : Normally, I would be interested, but I am just about to sign contracts with this group, who wish to perform their own play.

Dana : It's set in Smicerland!

Muriel : [Twirling around] There's love!

Charles : [Taking out a rotten rose and smelling it] Romance!

Geri : [With relish, and a sword in either hand] Violence!

Hart : [Somewhat hopefully] Much unnecessary surgery without anaesthetic!

Dana : [Slapping Hart's arm] No there isn't, but there will be nuns, who do inflict a lot of pain on people. It's gonna be great!

Chastity : [Weighing up the mace and keeping it] I feel I'm going to regret this, but does this play have a name yet?

Dana : [Spreading her arms high and wide in the air] Dana, the amazing singing nun!

Charles : [Stepping in front of Dana, speaking with a strong French accent] Eet ees Charles, ze greatest lover in all of 'ell!

Muriel : It's called Wishin' and Hopin', it's about an [leans over at Harvey and speaks angrily] evil man [normal demeanour] and the beautiful woman that he refused to marry.

Hart : [Loudly, and stepping into the middle of the hall] Saint Nowhere, with it's cast of zany doctors, kooky nurses and screaming patients!

Geri : [Lying back on the table of weapons, with her head dangling over the edge towards the party] It'll have a lot of torture in it! [Saliciously dangles a huge chain down over her face]

Chastity : [Grimacing] I knew I would!

Sarasate : I intend on bring the show to Nether City, the place in Hell that has everything! However, I would like a word with your group in private. [Smiles] If I may.

Harvey : [Shrugs] I can't see the harm in that. [Brandishes his sword] But no funny business!

Chastity : I agree, lets hear what you have to say. [Quietly to Clint] Is it just me or does this Sarasate character have strange Darius undertones? We'd best consider his words carefully.

Sarasate : [Looks unimpressed at Harvey] Unless you've got Involuntary Demon Dimensional Transportation Device, I suggest you don't threaten me. Chaugner was a mere demon, too dumb to know you had one.

Alice : [Loudly to Chastity] What? Sarasate has strange what?

[The party follow SARASATE back upstairs.]

Dana : What are we supposed to do?

Sarasate : [Dismissively] Oh, torture Geri or Charles or someone, but no killing mind you - we're a long way from home.

[The group continue up the stairs.]

Clint : So, what's this all about?

Sarasate : I'm intrigued by you. I'm also somewhat disappointed - I thought I was the first to think of running a show in hell. If there is a group better than the one I am currently with, I would consider financing them.

Chastity : [Getting a bit out of puff, one hand on the banister, one arm cradling her slightly bulging tummy] What attributes would you consider to be "better" than ones in the group down there?

[The group enter a large drawing room, with a huge grand piano in one corner.]

Sarasate : I suppose I would be inclined to fund a group if they were, let's see. Better looking, could sing, dance, act, had a script, had a story, didn't have that damned Banshee screaming everytime there's the slightest drama.

Alice : [Lowly to the others] Okay, let's keep Chastity under control.

Austin : [Finishes adoorning himself with a fine set of armor, and checks his weapons (It took a while with only one arm). To Sarasate, showing him Maplin] Could you heal my arm and I, I'm sure it would improve the play a great deal.

Sarasate : Well - [is interrupted by a scream from downstairs, and tuts irritably] I'm afraid I can't. Why don't you just let someone kill you? I know it is incredibly painful, but when you come back, it will have healed.

Alice : Not his arm, anytime he's come back, it has still been off.

Sarasate : [Genuinely impressed] Wow! A punishment handed down by Seth himself. So, [folds his arms] do you have a show for me?

Harvey : [To Sarasate] What the blue blazes are you talking about, man? You want to know if we'll put on a show, here in Hell? Is that it?

Sarasate : [Taken aback] I thought you wanted to put a show on! I thought you wanted to see the bright lights of Nether City! Well, excuse me for giving you a chance. You can take your show and shove it up your ass.

Alice : [To Harvey] He's a little petulant for an arch-demon, isn't he?

Chastity : [Scolding] Dirty girl, you shouldn't be looking at his trouser area! We may have spent the last while being tortured in hell, but that's no need to let our standards slip.

[ALICE doesn't reply, and just looks around her, confused.]

Harvey : Let me have a word with the troop.

[The group get around in a huddle.]

Harvey : What do we think, troop? Do we want to get involved with this.. person?

Clint : Well so far everyone we met is a complete lunatic, [pulls his head out of the huddle][To Sarasate] No offense! [head back into huddle] but since we don't have any other chance I say we give it a try. We could try to stage a version of "The Fugitive", and during the play find a way out of hell. Austin could be the killer, since he's a one-armed man and all. No offense, Lawyer.

Sarasate : [Waves back at Clint in a friendly manner] None taken!

Harvey : You've got a point, Private. My plan was to search the house for information on helping us escape, but seeing as how he has beaten us to it, and we don't have any means of defeating him, if he really is a demon.

Faetan : You've got to be joking! Pretend we're a group of actors?

Alice : It could work, unless someone objects, I think we should - hey! [Turns to Jerome and slaps him] Keep your hands off me!

Jerome : I didn't do anything!

Alice : Oh! Sorry, that was my own hand!

Austin : [TO Sarate] Would it not be better if we swapped over with the players, the actors who play us in the play in queens view? [Puts Maplin on the table and strokes him to calm him down]

Chastity : If those half-wit actors can pretend to be us, Phili knows we should be able to a better job pretending to be them. We've performed on a levitating bicycle in the circus already, how much more difficult can it be? The more information we can gleen whilst down here, the more effectively we'll be able to combat evil in the future. Let's do it.

Alice : Even if Chassers wasn't right - which I think she is, how would we get the actors back in here? Did you say something about the amulets only working once, Harvey?

Harvey : Something like that, niece. [Looks around at everyone] Okay, if we're agreed on this, troop, we'll have to persuade Sarasate.

Faetan : That's fine...we'll just say 'yes' and it's a free-range show performed all over Hell. We can go wherever we want. And trust me...you people are PLENTY entertaining just being who you are.

Alice : Hey Fae, thanks! [Serious face] I think...

[The group break huddle and turn to face SARASATE.]

Sarasate : Well? What have you got?

Faetan : [Smiles broadly] The biggest production ever...better than reality shows, even. A full, free-range play. Hell is our entire stage, every rotten inch of it! [Gestures magnanimously with a sweeping arm] Everyone we run across, plays some minor part...sometimes major, depending on the situation. Most plays, I'm sure, are about the bad guys...well THIS one is about the good guys! A despicable role for us...and therefore, daring. There's more. What do you think so far?

Sarasate : Good guys? Free range play? I'm not impressed, you're going to have to do a lot to pull this out of the fire! You know, I already have a play, admittedly, it is mediocre, and the only audience I have so far is Dana, but at least I know what I've got.

[SARASATE stands looking at the party, daring them to answer. HARVEY approaches, and puts his arm around him.]

Harvey : It will be....

[JEROME twirls to the piano and runs down through all the notes.]

Harvey : Queens View Affair,
Queens View Affair
No words in the vernacular [scoots over to the other side of Sarasate]
Can describe this great event [scoots back over to the other side of Sarasate]
You'll be dumb with wonderment.
And with Sarasate's kind consent,
This won't just be a nonevent. [Starts walking back to the others, singing]
Instead of a banshee,

[HARVEY stands in the middle of the arms spread, with ALICE immediately to his left, CLINT to her left and FAETAN to his left. CHASTITY stands on his right, AUSTIN to her right, while JEROME continues to play the piano.]

All : [Singing] You'll thrill the common bourgeoisie.

Sarasate : What do you mean by that?

[The six walk slowly towards the shocked looking SARASATE, as JEROME plays the piano and they sing.]

All : So exciting, the audience will stomp and cheer!
So delighting, it will run for fifty years!
So exciting, the audience will stomp and cheer!
So delighting, it will run for fifty years!

[As they close up, SARASATE slips back into a convenient chair.]

Clint : [Holding up his right arm, causing the others to cower back in exagerated mock horror] Poor hygiene!

Austin : [Straightening his tie] Scheming minds!

Faetan : [Swings her sword around, causing the others to duck out of her way ] Militants!

Chastity : [Wipes her nose delicately with a lace hanky before throwing it on the ground] And bitchy nuns!

Jerome : [Peering through the lab equipments, so his face is magnified by a beaker of water] Scientists!

Harvey : [Standing to attention and giving an extravagent salute] And army men!

Alice : [Being held by Jerome, Harvey and Clint, with her legs stretched out and skirt so high that the tops of her fishnet stockings can be seen as she blows a kiss at Sarasate] Sluttish girls!

Men : [As they throw Alice to the floor] Children eaters!

All : [Clutching their throats] Poisoners!

Women : [Chastity with her hands over her mouth, Faetan with hers over her eyes and Alice with hers over her ears] And Pestilence!

All : [Gathering together again, each holding up a hand as though stabbing someone] Revenge, [bring hand in to touch heart] duty

[Everyone turns to ALICE, hands clasped together, with a hopeful look, while ALICE looks back at them with an impatient stare.]

Jerome : [With a doe-eyed look at Alice] And romance!

All : Wonder swords!
Magic words!
All strong as electricity!

[They all dance around SARASATE's chair.]

All : So exciting, the audience will stomp and cheer!
So delighting, it will run for fifty years!
So exciting, the audience will stomp and cheer!
So delighting, it will run for fifty years!

[In the background, DANA, GERI, HART, MURIEL and CHARLES slip in and start watching. Meanwhile, everyone in the party drops to their knees in a line, and shuffle backwards while singing.]

All : Queens View Affair, Queens View Affair
No words in the vernacular
Can describe this great event
You'll be dumb with wonderment.

[SARASATE glances over at his own group, who are all now dressed up as nuns.]

Nuns : The jails are alive, with the sound of screaming...

[SARASATE glances back at the party, who are standing in two lines in front of him, jumping up and down. HARVEY, ALICE and CHASTITY are in the front, while JEROME, FAETAN, AUSTIN and CLINT take up the rear.]

All : So exciting, the audience will stomp and cheer!
So delighting, it will run for fifty years!

[Everyone gets down on their knees to finish the grand finale with a flourish.]

All : So exciting, the audience will stomp and cheer!
So delighting, it will run for fifty years!

[Silence falls on the room for a few seconds, as the party hold their pause.]

Sarasate : Hm, well. It does seem really rather good.

Faetan : [Breathless] You kidding?! It's got my stamp of approval! I pity the fool who won't be delighted for fifty years!

Alice : [Also breathing heavily, but holding her pose] What do you think, Sarasate?

Sarasate : I believe we may be able to do a deal.

Hart : [To the party] Can I join you? I've got one of Geri's kidneys - and it's fresh! [Holds a kidney up]

[GERI turns her back on the party, hitches up her skirt and pulls down her underwear enough for them to see a huge gaping wound, with blood pouring out of it.]

Faetan : [Blinks] What the hell would we do with a kidney?

Hart : [Disappointed] Oh, would you prefer a liver?

Faetan : Argh!!! [Stabs the wall with her sword]

Geri : [Turns back the party, and gives a little shiver of excitement from Faetan's display, tempered by a grimace of pain] Ooo, yeah.

Clint : [Scoots over to the right side of Sarasate] So, are we in for a show?

Sarasate : Yes! I'm sold. [To his old group] Go on, get out of here, we've a lot to discuss here.

[DANA and company slowly sidle out, grumbling.]

Geri : [To Hart] Can I have my kidney back?

Hart : No! [Childishly bites it in half]

[The others slowly file out.]

Harvey : Your original troupe seem to be a somewhat egregious group, what?

Sarasate : Well, this is hell. People sent here are generally low-life scum who deserve to suffer. Present company excepted, of course.

Alice : [Glancing at Clint] Well, most of it, anyway.

Harvey : [Suddenly guffawing with laughter] Haw! The troop is now a troupe, what? Haw!

Austin : [As a single tear runs down his cheek, he leaves Maplin on the table for a moment and dabs the tear with a oddly discoloured hankerchief. To Harvey] Sir, your rapier like wit knows no bounds

Chastity : I've not been so entertained since myself and my second husband, George were treated to a rendition of Madame Butterfly by Bob, Jo, Sam and Harry. Happy days indeed.

Harvey : Perhaps, Private, it would be more productive to see if we can get some information from this... gentleman. He clearly seems to be in charge of the others, and in control of his own destiny.

[Everyone is momentarily distracted by SARASATE tearing through a desk, throwing stuff to the floor, clearly searching for something.]

Austin : [Turns to Chastity] I can imagine [Sheds another tear and dabbs it too] It must have been quite thrilling.

Chastity : [Watching Sarasate and slowly putting one hand on her mace. To Austin] In you professional opinion, does he look like he's scrambling for legal papers, or desperately trying to find an offensive weapon?

Sarasate : [Looks up from his searching] I must say, you lot don't seem like the normal type I meet down here - what's your [gets interrupted by some more screaming from downstairs] what's your story?

Clint : Ah, we just got sent down here by mistake, fell through a hole. What about you?

Alice : [Whispering to Chastity] I think it's a legal paper search, a weapons search is generally more frantic, although not nearly as frantic as a condom search.

Harvey : Eh? A what?

Alice : A - a condo search, you know, when someone really needs to get an apartment fast?

Sarasate : Well, you probably didn't guess from my appearance, but I'm a demon, and soon to be arch demon, if only I could find this damned [breaks off as he pulls some drawers clean out of the desk, and pours papers from them all over the floor]

Alice : [To Chastity] Now that's a condom search.

Austin : [To Chastity] He does not need an offensive weapon. [To Sarasate, whilst examining Maplins nails, and polishing them a bit] We also killed Iok Sotot, then we killed Contagion, and then Pestillence, Adam Torque too, and then we released the scalies cure, killed some shape shifting aliens, rescued Eva and burnt down a low quality drinking establishment in the undercity. We killed some others too, but they were not worth any points.

Clint : Yeah, that too.

Sarasate : [Taken aback] Iok Sotot? That was you lot? Excellent... Of course, as you've probably heard, Pestilence was resurrected, but Contagion, well, he's not dead. [Finds a blue flask, about six inches high] Ah! Looks like it's your lucky day!

Chastity : [Eye's lighting up at the sight of the flask] Great, I've been dying for a nice cup of tea ever since we got down here. Milk and one sugar in mine please. [Looks round to everyone else, patting her tummy] Shall I play mother? [Smiles at her own joke]

Sarasate : [Smiles back at her] Tea? Not a chance.

[SARASATE unscrews the top of the flask, and a peculiar black vapour appears, which has an absolutely unbearable stench. He leans over it and inhales deeply, sucking it all in, and holding his breath, looking at the party with runny eyes.]

Harvey : What the hell is that man doing?

[SARASATE lets out his breath, with an enormous sigh of pleasure, and slowly sinks to his knees, with a huge smile on his face.]

Clint : He looks stoned to me. Do you think there's some left in the flask for me? That's got to be the equivalent of Louis XIV down here, judging from his face. [Everyone gathers around the prone figure of SARASATE, who is sitting on the floor, lying against the wall, with a blank, but happy look on his face. There are two or three other flasks on the desk.]

Alice : [Excitedly] Let's try some!

Austin : What have we got to loose? [Grabs a flask, unscrews the top with a cunning thumb swipe, and inhales the vapor straight] [The top flies spinning across the room and strikes ALICE in the eye.]

Alice : Ow!

Harvey : [Catches Austin's arm] Hold it, Private, don't be so stupid! It's one thing for Alice to suggest it, but she's just a - a - she's just young. You should know better.

[AUSTIN's hand slips away from HARVEY, but he is still holding the flask, and could sniff it if he wanted to. The stench is absolutely unbearable.]

Clint : [Picks up another flask, and looks at Austin, waiting for a reaction] Is it worth it, Lawyer?

Harvey : [Exasperated] By the saints! Has being in hell made you all savages? Am I surrounded by imbeciles and morons? [Looks around, visibly disappointed to see that Alice has picked up the third flask.]

Alice : Er, I was just keeping it out of the way.

Austin : [To Harvey] Very well Colonel. [Puts his thumb over the top of the flask, retrieves the top and replaces it. Then he swiftly searches Sarasate, whilst he is still prone. To Harvey] perhaps he has something that will help us get out of here, like some keys, or some orbs. [Has a really through search and inspection of Sarasates personals.

[Everyone watches transfixed as AUSTIN picks up the top, even though he is holding the flask in his hand.]

Alice : Wow! Looks like Austin is almost as dextrous as I am! [Puts her flask on the table, but misses, causing it to fall to the floor, but not break]

[AUSTIN goes through SARASATE's jacket, and discovers a number of papers detailing Nether City. Although AUTIN doesn't get finished searching, there are clearly no orbs or large bunches of keys, and he is interrupted by MURIEL bursting into the room.]

Muriel : Sarasate! Sarasate! They killed Muriel! They - hey! What's going on here?

Austin : [To Muriel] He inhaled one of these and then fell over, I have checked him and he appears to be okay, a little intoxicated perhaps. Further to this I would like to point out that you are already dead and being killed again is merely an incovenience to us, so stop you crying and help us put Sarasate in his chair.

Muriel : [Face contorted with rage] You liar! You're like every other bastard man I ever met, they're all lying scum! [Turns and gives a warm, but slightly crazy smile at Clint] Except you, of course.

[AUSTIN, of course, has continued searching SARASATE during the conversation, and pulls out an envelope marked "Ultimate Weapon", unfortunately, SARASATE's eyes flick open, and he grabs the envelope back from AUSTIN.]

Sarasate : Get out of here, Muriel. Things are fine. [Starts to get up]

Austin : [To Sarasate] 'Ultimate Weapon', I do not suppose that you are going to let us in on that one? [Briefly checks his nails, and frowns. Sigh!]

Sarasate : Look, you searched through my clothes, tried to steal my flasks, abused my old group, so yes, I do like you, but not enough to let you in on that. [Everyone gathers around the prone figure of SARASATE, who is sitting on the floor, lying against the wall, with a blank, but happy look on his face. There are two or three other flasks on the desk.]

Alice : [Excitedly] Let's try some!

Austin : What have we got to loose? [Grabs a flask, unscrews the top with a cunning thumb swipe, and inhales the vapor straight] [The top flies spinning across the room and strikes ALICE in the eye.]

Alice : Ow!

Harvey : [Catches Austin's arm] Hold it, Private, don't be so stupid! It's one thing for Alice to suggest it, but she's just a - a - she's just young. You should know better.

[AUSTIN's hand slips away from HARVEY, but he is still holding the flask, and could sniff it if he wanted to. The stench is absolutely unbearable.]

Clint : [Picks up another flask, and looks at Austin, waiting for a reaction] Is it worth it, Lawyer?

Harvey : [Exasperated] By the saints! Has being in hell made you all savages? Am I surrounded by imbeciles and morons? [Looks around, visibly disappointed to see that Alice has picked up the third flask.]

Alice : Er, I was just keeping it out of the way.

Austin : [To Harvey] Very well Colonel. [Puts his thumb over the top of the flask, retrieves the top and replaces it. Then he swiftly searches Sarasate, whilst he is still prone. To Harvey] perhaps he has something that will help us get out of here, like some keys, or some orbs. [Has a really through search and inspection of Sarasates personals.

[Everyone watches transfixed as AUSTIN picks up the top, even though he is holding the flask in his hand.]

Alice : Wow! Looks like Austin is almost as dextrous as I am! [Puts her flask on the table, but misses, causing it to fall to the floor, but not break]

[AUSTIN goes through SARASATE's jacket, and discovers a number of papers detailing Nether City. Although AUTIN doesn't get finished searching, there are clearly no orbs or large bunches of keys, and he is interrupted by MURIEL bursting into the room.]

Muriel : Sarasate! Sarasate! They killed Muriel! They - hey! What's going on here?

Austin : [To Muriel] He inhaled one of these and then fell over, I have checked him and he appears to be okay, a little intoxicated perhaps. Further to this I would like to point out that you are already dead and being killed again is merely an incovenience to us, so stop you crying and help us put Sarasate in his chair.

Muriel : [Face contorted with rage] You liar! You're like every other bastard man I ever met, they're all lying scum! [Turns and gives a warm, but slightly crazy smile at Clint] Except you, of course.

[AUSTIN, of course, has continued searching SARASATE during the conversation, and pulls out an envelope marked "Ultimate Weapon", unfortunately, SARASATE's eyes flick open, and he grabs the envelope back from AUSTIN.]

Sarasate : Get out of here, Muriel. Things are fine. [Starts to get up]

Austin : [To Sarasate] 'Ultimate Weapon', I do not suppose that you are going to let us in on that one? [Briefly checks his nails, and frowns. Sigh!]

Sarasate : Look, you searched through my clothes, tried to steal my flasks, abused my old group, so yes, I do like you, but not enough to let you in on that.

Clint : What was that sniffing all about anyway? Are you an Arch-daemon now?

Sarasate : Clint, right? [Smiles] Not yet, but I soon will be, thanks to Chaugner, and, of course, yourself, Alice, Jerome, Chastity and Austin.

Clint : [Frowning] What do you mean, thanks to us?

Alice : And how do you know our names?

Sarasate : Well -

Alice : Not you! You! [Points at Harvey]

Harvey : Because I'm in the party! I'm your uncle, I've known you all your life!

Alice : Oh, okay.

Sarasate : [To Clint, tapping one of the unopened flasks] Pure distilled fear, my man. Old Chaugner certainly did a good job on you lot, I'll give him that.

Ausitn : [To Sarasate] I take it that you become and arch demon by inhaling lots of that fear distillate and by filling in some mindbogglingly complicated legal forms in triplicate?

Sarasate : I have people to look after the paperwork. It isn't just by inhaling the distillate - hell is driven by fear. Everyone here is either torturing or being tortured - the more pleasure you get from torturing, the more powerful you are. That's why the others enjoyed Geri so much. Chaugner sure did a good job on you lot, so much that he even had extra. [Taps the flasks] I was surprised how strong it was. Only Arch-Demons can get into Nether City, and I want to be as close to being one as possible when we try to get in.

Clint : When [finger quotes on] we [finger quotes off] get in? Is that where the play will be staged? How can we get in, if we're not Arch-Daemons?

Sarasate : Don't worry your pretty little head about that, Clint. There's something very valuable in Nether City, and I'll make sure we get in. The current plan is when they hear about this wonderful play I'm promoting, after I've added a lot of gratuitous sex and violence of course, they'll let us all in. Nether City is a pretty wild and perverted place.

Alice : [Eyes wide] Just how perverted is it?

Sarasate : Have you heard of the goings on in the University of Limerick?

Alice : Gasp! Yes!

Sarasate : Nether City makes that look like a kindergarten.

Chastity : [visibly blanches] I can hardly believe it. The twisted depravity!

Alice : [Visibly excited] I can hardly believe it! The twisted depravity!

Sarasate : And not only that - Nether City has something nowhere else in hell has - it's got hope.

Alice : [Makes a disappointed] Hope Masterson? That mean old bitch who tried to steal my saddle for King Horsikins III just because her sister was involved in that accident? I suppose it's no surprise that she's in hell for what she did to my shoes.

Sarasate : Er, no - the other kind of hope.

Alice : Oh.

Chastity : How can such a place in hell have the gift of hope? This wouldn't be linked to the valuable item inside the city you covet so much, would it?

Austin : [To Sarasate] Anyway, enough dill-dallying. This Seth fellow, you say he is responsible for Maplin's condition. Will he be there, it the Nether city?

Clint : And can you put it in flaskes just like fear? And by the way, what would happen if we sniff these [pointing at the flasks], since they're our own fears?

Harvey : I thought it was well known that there is not a hope in hell, what! [To Clint] Or perhaps he's only telling you that, and it is in fact some deadly odourous poison, private, even now working it's deathlike fumourous tendrils through your respiratory system!

Clint : Except that we're already dead Harv, so I can't see how can it harm us. [To Sarasate] Right?

Sarasate : No, the only thing the flasks take is fear. I'm not sure what would happen if you try to consume your own fear - my guess is that the Universe would seize to exist. Or even, something worse. Normally, you can only get power from inflicting pain and suffering [he is interrupted by more screaming from downstairs, and speaks louder to be heard] yourself, that's why the other group are so keen to hurt each other.

Alice : And what about Seth? Is he in Nether City? Can we get him got stick Austin back onto Maplin?

Sarasate : [Gives a little smile] Seth is everywhere, and Seth is everything.

Chastity : Unfortunately our mortal state didn't stop Chaugner torturing or killing us, so I wouldn't be so sure.

Sarasate : You may be dead, but, as I'm sure you've noticed, you can still feel pain and suffering. It may destroy you, but it will do so at an agonisingly slow place - and when you're dead, it could start again. I bet Chaugner killed each of you a number of times - and you're still here, aren't you?

[There is silence for a few seconds, before ALICE jumps up and down, hand raised, like a schoolchild.]

Alice : Me! Me! Me! I know! [Pause] Yes.

Sarasate : Ah, Chastity, as wise as you are large.

Chastity : And you are as smarmy as you are manipulative [Pauses] Hmmm, maybe not that much of a retort in this case!

Sarasate : I'm manipulative? You're the ones who are getting free passage to Nether City - just because I've got something else to do there doesn't mean you lot won't benefit.

Faetan : Is it possible to get out of hell through Nether city?

Sarasate : It isn't easy, but anything is possible in Nether city.

Alice : Can you touch your left elbow with your left hand there?

Sarasate : Yes.

[ALICE doesn't reply, but looks impressed. However, the entire house is suddenly wracked by a massive earthquake.]

Chastity : [Steadying herself on the nearest piece of sturdy furniture] That sounds like our queue to leave. [To Sarasate] How do we get to Nether City.

Harvey : Quite right, dear sister, quite right. [To Sarasate] So, how do you plan for us to enter the Nether City, and when? I presume you must first become an arch demon? How long is that likely to take?

Sarasate : I'll tell you later. [Raises his hands, and disappears.]

[The earthquake is quite violent now, and the floor starts to collapse. A huge beam falls from the ceiling and impales JEROME, who screams in agony.]

Alice : [Crouching down, hands over her ears] Oh no! Don't tell me we're going to die again! [The shaking gets worse, and a huge piece of mortar flies towards FAETAN's head.]

Faetan : [Putting up her hands to protect herself] Damned Sarasate! I'm going to kill him!

[The mortar simply disappears when it hits FAETAN.]

Chastity : Quick, lets get out. Even with your protective pendants you still could be trapped under the rubble. At least if the rest of us die, we end up outside anyway. [Makes her way to the door] [The entire floor collapses, sending everyone sprawling to the floor. Miraculously, HARVEY and FAETAN land on their feet, and any falling bricks etc. disappear when they hit them. All the others sustain some considerable damage. As the dust clears, they can see SARASATE outside the house, leaning over GERI.]

Chastity : [Slowly emerges from under a once finely carved table leg and some other less identifiable rubble, making sure she still has mace] Cough, cough. I wonder if that incident has effected my present condition. [Feels her tummy hopefully for any (lack) of movement] [CHASTITY reveals a visible kick in return for her impure thoughts. Meanwhile, SARASATE looks up from GERI.]

Sarasate : They killed her, the bastards.

Austin : [Furiosuly digs through the rubble one handed to find Maplin, carelessly throwing rubble al over the place] On no! No no no, no!

Alice : It's okay, we'll help Aus- [she is quickly drowned out as she is covered from head to toe in rubble being thrown by Austin]

Harvey : [Picking up Austin's box, which just happened to land near him] Is this what you're looking for, Private?

Austin : [Grabs the box from Harvey] Thanks. [Examines Maplin carefully as he walks out of the rubble]

Harvey : [Dryly] My pleasure.

Faetan : [To Sarasate] What the hell's going on here? Why was there an earthquake?

Sarasate : [Turning away sadly from the deceased body of Geri] Like I said, Seth is everywhere. He can sense when the fear level in part of hell has dropped. We'd better get out of here.

Austin : [Still trying to ascertain if there is any earthquake damage to Maplin. To Sarasate] This Seth moron, how do we inflict pain and suffering upon him?

Sarasate : [Shushing Austin with his hands] Keep it down! This Seth [does quotes with his fingers] "moron" as you put it, is in charge of everything here. He's the one responsible for your suffering, for Chaugner being put in charge of you, for everything! You don't inflict pain and suffering on Seth, he does it to you. [Gives a sad look at Geri] She was my favourite. [Turns back to the party] Even when you're a demon, he gets to you.

Austin : [Still examining Maplin for damage. To Sarasate] You are one feeble piece of demon, scared of your own boss. How in Hell are you going to get promoted to arch-demon if you pussy foot around trying not to upset him. [Inhales deeply] I can tell you we are seriously going to piss him off. He will wish he had never been...created by the time we have finished with him [To Maplin] Will he not? [Starts strutting around, still wracked with grief and anger, shouting] Seth is a MORON! He just wants to be loved and misses his mothers cuddles! [From somewhere overhead comes a strange whistling sound.]

Sarasate : Shut up! [Slaps Austin across the face, knocking him to the ground] Shut up!

[The remarkably unscathed MAPLIN flies from AUSTIN's other hand and somehow contrives to slap ALICE across the face as she emerges from the rubble.]

Alice : Ow!

Austin : [Furiously rushes over and grabs Maplin and puts him back into his box. Staying away from Sarasate, shouts as loudly as he can] Seth is an insecure, bully who tortures others to give his worthless begin meaning! And he is scared to come and face me, because he knows he can not handle the truth! [Stamps in anger] Where are you mummys boy? [Splat. A huge boulder falls out of the sky and crushes AUSTIN to death, showering everyone else in blood, mucus and bits of MAPLIN.]

Sarasate : That moron! Let's get out of here, and find someone to torture, or we're all in trouble.

Chastity : [Removing from some of Austin's entrails from round her face] Yuck. Know I know how horrible it is to be covered in Sleaze! [To Alice, pointing at her chest] My dear, not for the first time, one of Austin's eye's seems to have strayed down your cleavage.

Alice : [Looks down for a second, before looking back up] That's okay, Chassers, that's not his eye, that's his - hey! [Reaches down, grabs something and throws it away, before giving a huge shiver.]

Chastity : [Watching as Motorway runs out of the rubble, picks up the offending spare part and runs off with it] Well, it just goes to show. I'd have never have taken Austin to be someone who keeps cold hotdogs in his pocket. [Looks round trying to orientate herself] Which way is the well? I presume the lawyer will be re-appearing there.

Alice : [Exasperated] How can you not know where the well is? It is just beside the house - look, [looks around, clearly looking for the house] er, it's um...

Sarasate : It's over here. Can you keep that fool of a lawyer under control? If we attract too much attention from Seth, we're all in trouble. Trying to goad him won't achieve anything. You cannot get revenge on Seth, to him you are worth even less than she [gives Geri's body a kick] was to me. Now, let's wait for the others at the well.

Alice : [Touching her hair, and quickly looking at her hand] Eauh, I've got Austin bits in my hair! [Tastes it] Oh, it's not Austin, that's okay.

[Everyone goes to the well.]

[Book III, Act I, Scene IV. The Well. SARASATE, HARVEY, FAETAN, ALICE, CLINT and CHASTITY are here. There is a quick shimmer, and JEROME and AUSTIN appear, both looking quite shaken.]

Alice : [Annoyed, to Austin] In future, just calm down okay? Just because we're hell doesn't mean we have to act like barbarians. [Turns to Clint] No offence.

Chastity : [Looking around] How do we get out of the grounds and get to Nether City?

Clint : [Burping] None taken.

[MAPLIN is lying on the ground near where AUSTIN was just killed.]

Sarasate : Out through the gate, of course.

Chastity : [Looking at the writhing gates] I hope you've got some sort of key then. I was under the impression that only Chaugner would have the means to get through.

Sarasate : No, once I took some of his fear distillate, I got the power to do it too. You can just walk through.

Austin : [Picks up Maplin, looks at him sadly. To the others] I were merely testing a hypothesis that was intended to answer the question that faces us all. [Raises Maplin and points at the others with him] The question or questions, to be more presice, are, 'A' Do we start torturing others in what ever way we can, to gain power, or do we torture Seth himself by doing what we are best at, saving the innocent and good, in the most general senses of the words, thereby torturing Seth himself?

Clint : Lawyer, I thought you would have learned with your experience that you do not bitch about that fuc... I mean bast... I mean gay, guy!!! [Looks around for a couple seconds, making sure he's still alive] So I suggest we just get on our way and find a way out of here. [To Sarasate] That is, after the show of course.

Austin : [To Clint] As I have just stated, we need to understand the enemy, to defeat them, or avoid them, as the case maybe. [Struts around a little] I really mys get Maplin some clothes. [To CLint] By abusing the sad and lonely 'Big S', I was simmulatneously creating fear in Sarasate, and also seeing how far I could push the the 'Big S'. Having now completed this first phase in my experiment I now conclude that it would be difficult to travel great distances if we keep getting killed, and therefore phase two of my plan involves testing the torture part of the afrementioned hypothesis, which for those of you who are cranially challenged [Looks at Alice] I have already begun by entering into and confusingly long monlogue.

Alice : [Looks around her for a second, before turning back to Austin] What are you going to do? Bore Seth into submission?

Clint : [Completely lost, looks around] [Pause] [Another pause] [Looks at Alice, then back at Austin] Yeah, can you answer that? [ALICE leans her head to one side, closes her eyes and starts to snore.]

Austin : [To Alice] I am probing his, and others weaknesses. There are other forms of torture to physical torture. You should know that.

Alice : [Opens her eyes and looks at Austin] And what about your weakness for annoying other people?

Faetan : Actually, he has a point. We don't know too much about this Big S guy. [Flicks some remains from her shoulder with a grimace] The more we know, the more prepared we'll be. [Eyes Sarasate distrustfully] crashed, AND I HATE DSL!!!! We have cable now. Yay!

Alice : [Getting a face full of entrails from Faetan] Hey! Careful!

Sarasate : What do you need to know? Seth is the devil, Seth *is* hell. If you speak, he hears. If you step, he feels. If you breathe, he smells. If you fall, he tastes. If you do, he sees.

[There are a few seconds of silence.]

Alice : What happens if you fart?

Sarasate : He enjoys.

Alice : [Disappointed] Gah!

Jerome : Hm, yes. [Steps slightly away from Alice.] Gah, indeed.

Faetan : [Frowns] Sounds like he's got too much time on his hands if you ask ME. Which you didn't, but that's beside the point. [Folds her arms and looks impatient to be off]

Sarasate :

Clint : Ah, lost you voice yeah boy? [Steps away from a piece of brain] So, how are we going to get through the gates?

Chastity : [To Clint] With the love of Philli in our hearts, of course! [Smiles in a satisfied manner at Clint]

Clint : [Smiling back, showing his dark yellow teeth with pride] Of course, sister.

Harvey : [Scratching his sideburn] So private, you keep mentioning these gates? Why? What is so special about them? Surely by now you have learned the use of door handles, eh?

Alice : [Looking at Clint's yellow and brown teeth] Wow! You're teeth are amazingly clean here, Clint!

Sarasate : It's better to say nothing than to irk Seth - just keep your mouths shut about him. The gates are sorted now, you can just walk through. It can be done with the love of Sarasate in your hearts.

Austin : [Nods in a kind of 'well I suppose so' way] Well At least you exist in some form. [Tries to walk through the gates, expecting a trick]

Clint : [Following Austin] At least you do take the initiative sometimes, Lawyer.

Chastity : [Strides righteously through the gates. To Sarasate] I think I'll stick with the love of Philli, thank you very much.

[As soon as AUSTIN approaches the gates, the bars reach out and grab him. Due to his lack of trust of SARASATE, however, he almost avoids it, but is caught by the left ankle. The gates start to pull him towards them slowly.]

Sarasate : [Roars with laughter] Hah! Look! He was so surprised! [Bends over double, practically crying with laughter.]

Clint : That's really funny, yeah... [Tries to cut the gate's bars holding Austin's ankle with the sword taken from the house] [The sword simply bounces off the bars.]

Sarasate : [Throwing what appears to be a tiny white cube at the gate, causing it to freeze, and turn all white.] There, just to show you that you need me, and had better behave yourselves.

Alice : What's to stop us just killing you and taking those cubes?

Sarasate : [Gives an annoying smile] Trust me, you don't want to do that.

[AUSTIN easily pulls his leg free, snapping some of the bars.]

Sarasate : [Walking through the gate] Quickly, chop chop!

Austin : [Hurries through the gate, giving it a good kick as he goes. To Sarasate] You are a fan of cheap tricks then?

Sarasate : You better believe it, bud. That's why I like Alice so much!

Alice : [Touched] Aw, thanks! [Realisation dawns] Hey!

[The party walk on. After about half a mile, they can see some buildings in the distance with smoke coming out, although there doesn't appear to be enough smoke for them to actually be on fire.

Chastity : [Rubs her tummy] Ooh, this one feels like a big one.

[The party move on towards the house, climbing over what appear to be ploughed field, with nothing growing in them. Around the fields are large ditches, with the occasional tree, although everything is black.]

Alice : Isn't this really like the Under City?* You know -

[Enter CELIA BETZLER, jumping from behind one of the trees, pitchfork in hand.]

Celia : Hold it!

[ALICE reaches out to take the pitchfork off her, and gets jabbed in the hand, drawing blood.]

Alice : Ow! What's wrong with you? You told me to hold it!

Celia : [Snarling] That's not what I meant!

Chastity : [To Celia] For goodness sake woman, [Points at Alice] she is just a girl! Put that fork away before somebody get seriously injured. My third husband, George, always used to say: 'An unsheathed prong can get a girl into serious trouble!'

Alice : Wisdom after the event, eh?

Celia : What do you want here?

Sarasate : [Muttering to the others] Let's kill her.

Alice : [Indignantly] What? Me? Why?

Harvey : [Indignantly to Sarasate] What? Her? Why? You touch dear Alice and I swear to Phili, you also will be carrying around limbs in a box!

Sarasate : So, I guess intelligence is hereditary after all. I wasn't talking about her, you moron. If you threaten me again, I'll be carrying your limbs around in a box.

Clint : [To Celia, while pulling out his sword] Move away now, or die. Not that it matters that much around here, anyway. [Starts moving forward]

Austin : [Calmly, as if offering tea to a friend] I believe that it is time to give some. [Attacks Celia with his sword]

[As CLINT approaches, CELIA lifts her pitchfork again, but is taken unawares by AUSTIN, who catches her in the side with his sword.]

Celia : You bastard! [Jabs Austin with the fork, and sticks it right into him.]

Harvey : [Drawing his own sword] Stand down, private! Stand down, I say!

Alice : [Shocked at the goings on] What the hell is going on here?

Sarasate : [Enjoying the display] I think what you mean is what is going on here is hell.

Clint : [To Austin, shouting] I was just trying to get through, Lawyer! [Stands his ground waiting for a move from Celia]

Celia : Back off! [Glares at the party, clearly waiting for a move from them.]

Sarasate : Go on, Austin! You know you want to do it!

Faetan : No he doesn't... [Rolls her eyes, turns to Celia] Why exactly are you blocking this path? You seem to be missing most of the foulness normally equated with those sentenced to be here... [Folds her arms, raising an eyebrow skeptically]

Alice : Yeah, like Austin, for example!

Celia : I'm just protecting my family, my land and my crops.

[As one, the party look to the earth, which resembles ash more than soil, and quite clearly contains no life whatsoever.

Clint : [Putting his sword away] Well we just want to pass through, we need to get to the Nether City. No need to get exited about that. [To Austin] That goes to you too, Lawyer.

Austin : [To Clint, jaw drops. Spoken sarcastically] That has to be the longest sentence that you have ever spoken! Don't tell me that they have cursed you with intelligence?

Celia : [Rolls her eyes] Not another lawyer! This place is crammed with them. [Pauses for a moment] You - or most of you, at any rate, seem different to the others I've met here, what's going on?

Sarasate : Oh, let's just kill her and be done with it. [Clicks his fingers] Come on, lawyer, earn your ten percent, kill her.

Alice : [Eyes wide in shock] Ten percent? Hey! with

Austin : [Attacks Sarasate with full Austin pissed off-fury] And you can shut it, toad boy.

[AUSTIN swings at SARASTE, who dodges with surprising dexterity, and then catches him by the collar, before dealing out a savage headbutt, which sends AUSTIN to the ground, and his sword flying through the air, coming to a rest point first into the ground in front of ALICE.]

Sarasate : [Leaning over Austin] You remember your place, toilet boy! You show proper respect to me, or you'll really know the meaning of a long sentance. [Takes out a glass cube, about one-inch on each side] Try that again, and you'll find yourself in one of these, with no chance of ever getting out.

Alice : [Shocked at the violence] Stop this, please! [Gestures to the sword] That could have hurt someone else too. [Walks towards Austin, but trips over the sword and falls to the ground] Ow.

Chastity : [To Austin, scolding voice] Stop that now! Sarasate has kindly offered to help us and all you do is attack him. [Folds her arms] I think you should appologise immediatley!

Clint : [Hands pointing at the sky*] Why did I get involved with this bunch of morons?

Alice : The question is, Clint, [smiles self-satisfied] how did this bunch of morons get involved with you! [Thinks for a minute] Hey! You shut your mouth, Clint!

Jerome : Imprisonment, eh? [Dives at Sarasate, and grabs the cube, before turning to him, holding it up in a threatening fashion] Back off, Sarasate! Dr. Jerome K. Trindle, BSc, PhD, declares the tables turned.

Sarasate : [Unimpressed, wiping some of Austin's blood off his face] Put it down.

Harvey : [To Jerome] Well done that man, but I advise caution, good doctor. You do not know the use of that cube, and it might do you more harm than your enemy! [To Sarasate] Is that not so, fellow?

Sarasate : Now that's a good idea, Harv. [Looks at Jerome, who suddenly disappears in a puff of smoke, leaving the glass cube lying on the ground]

Clint : Ok, what's going on here? [To Sarasate] Bring back the good doctor, enough is enough.

Harvey : Hey, now that's not very nice! Bring back that troop member immediately, Sarasate, or by the saints, things will get unpleasant between us! The show cannot go on without the doctor!

Sarasate : Enough [emphasises] is enough. I don't think you lot appreciate the position you're in - you're the lowest of the low, lower than filth on the street, lower than the scum in a sewer. You -

Alice : [Interrupting, holding her hand up] Are we lower than a little piece of indigestion tablet that gets caught in your nose because you started coughing when you ate it? And only find it about four hours later when the heat has tried it out and you think, before you see it, that it's a particularly large piece of hard snot?

Sarasate : Er, [thinks for a moment] Yes.

Alice : [Sadly] Phew, that's pretty low. But, anyway, Jerome.

Sarasate : If the rest of you behave, I'll bring him back in plenty of time for the show.

Chastity : [Suprised at Jeromes disapearance] Goodness me, my third husband, George, always used to say 'You have to be careful when handling your cubes, or you could dissapear in a puff'. [Carefully picks up the cube in a doily and put is in her pocket. To Sarasate] do you think we could get him back sometime?

Sarasate : Yes. Depending on you conduct yourselves on the way to the city.

Celia : [Looking daggers at Sarasate] You are a very evil man.

Clint : Wow, another brilliant brain [looks momentarily at Alice]. OK, either you bring back Jerome or there's no show. What are you going to do? Make us all disappear?

Sarasate : If necessary, I will. Jerome stays where he is until we get closer to Nether city. You lot may be able to put together a good pitch, but I've been attacked twice in the last few minutes - this is my insurance policy. It's in my interest to have him back as soon as possible, as you'll need to rehearse, but for the meantime, he stays where he is. If you've a problem with that, I'll go back and get the other group. Why don't you discuss it amongst yourselves?

[Doesn't make a move from where he's standing.]

Austin : [To Sarasate] What do we have to loose?

Sarasate : Your only chance of getting into Nether City.

[CELIA takes a sharp intake of breath.]

Sarasate : [Big smile] And then you'll be demoted to the kind of sad, pathetic specimen we see here.

Alice : [Whispering to Faetan] I think he's talking about you.

Faetan : [Hissing back, angrily] No he's not, he's talking about her. [Points at Celia.]

Austin : [To Sarasate] No, that is not what I meant, I meant in general, what do we have to loose, i.e. we are already dead, and reappear at the well if we are destroyed. So, to rephrase my question, do we, for example, have souls to loose, or minds, spirits, or some other thing that we don't know about?

Sarasate : Quite apart from the fact that you go through enormous pain when you reappear, I suspect you don't want to spend the rest of eternity in hell. There is some possibility of escape in Nether City. However, if you irk me further, I'll trap you in one of those cubes, where you can spend eternity on your own. You've already lost your souls, your dignity and, by the sounds of it, any semblence of intelligence you once had.

Austin : [To Sarasate, smiling] Why thank you, at last some good information, I don't suppose I can get that in writing [Smirks at his own joke] Just kidding. [Puts his hands (Maplin included) behind his back] Shall we proceed then?

Faetan : [Glaring furiously at Sarasate] We shall. Good luck with the fields. [Nods to Celia]

Celia : Luck? [Throws her pitchfork down disconsolately] Nothing ever grows in this rotten old hole, and nothing ever turns out right.

Faetan : Sucks, eh? How did you wind up here, anyhow? What did you do?

Harvey : [Saunters nonchalantly up to Celia, before whispering, in Harveys own ear shattering manner] Excuse me dear woman, but I couldn't help but notice you caught your breath earlier when the Nethercity was mentioned! Tell me this, dear thing, do you know of another way into that wretched sounding place?

Celia : [Turns to speak to Faetan, but is clearly surprised at the volume of Harvey, and turns to him instead] Uh, no, I don't, but I've heard that it's possible to get from Nether City back to the real world. [Glances back at Faetan, but doesn't catch her eye] I'd rather not say.

Sarasate : Snore. This is all very beautiful, but we've got a schedule here.

Alice : Really? Can I see it?

[SARASATE hands her over the schedule.]

Alice : Aw, no! No bus for another eight thousand years?

Sarasate : Welcome to hell.

Faetan : [To Celia] I'd rather know. If you lopped people's heads off when you walked behind them, then that would be a handy bit of knowledge to have when we go skipping along to the Nethercity.

Harvey : [To Faetan] Dear girl, we are a highly trained fighting force, who stride confidently into the battle field! We certainly do not...skip! Hmmphf! Skipping indeed!

Alice : [Giving Austin a look] At least, most of us don't.

Celia : Don't worry, I didn't lop things off - at least, not anyone's head anyway. Well, when I said head, I mean - [gets flustered] well, you know what I mean. You, or at least, most of you, seem like a reasonable bunch, you can cross my land if you'd like.

Austin : [To Alice] I was rather under the impression that you were the only one who skipped, neurologically speaking of course. [Checks the shine on his shoes, and frowns at the muddy disheveled boots he wears now]

Alice : Not to mention my heartbeat, which skips everytime you put on that so-attractive arrogant manner.

[CELIA starts walking through the field, clearly expecting the others to follow.]

Clint : [Starts following Celia] At last, we've moving. Praise Phili! [Looks at Chastity] Hum, I think I'm spending way too much time with you, sis. Gotta be careful, I might become a good man! [Shivers at the thought]

Alice : No danger of that, Clint!

[The group continue, and come to a small house. Standing outside there is a woman who appears to have had her eyes just gouged out. As the others approach, she turns to them and holds her hand up.]

Themitia : What have you brought this time, Celia?

Celia : They are okay, Themitia, they are just passing through.

Themitia : At least one has darkness in his heart, and evil in mind.

Alice : [Whispering to Clint] She's onto you.

Austin : [To Themitia] You are quite correct good lady, Sarasate is also here, he is a demon who intends to become an arch demon soon.

Themitia : [To Celia] Perhaps your new friends might like some tea, scones and cake.

[ALICE's face lights up in delight.]

Celia : I'm sure, but we have no cake.

Themitia : Then some tea and scones?

Celia : The scone situation is actually quite bleak.

Themitia : And I suppose there's no tea?

Celia : I'm afraid not.

Chastity : [To Austin] I think that she is probably talking about you, lawyer. Sarasate is a gentleman who has offered to help us, and I must say he did warn the good doctor not to fool around with the cube. scones

Sarasate : Why thank you, dear Sister Chastity. Your approval means so much to me. Now, [to Celia's obvious dismay] these people are clearly worthless scum, but I think it would help you if we all took a look in their house, to let you know what awaits you if you mess things up with me.

[The blood from THEMITIA's eyes starts to fall to the ground with a plink-plink.]

Faetan : [Folds her arms and frowns, muttering to Clint] This guy has more mood swings that a pregnant woman on medication.

Harvey : [To Themitia] My dear woman, you are injured! Wait here and I'm sure the field medic will be along shortly! Medic! [Sighs heavily and rips a sleeve from his shirt, before wrapping it carefully around Themitias head] That should help stem the blood flow, until you get to the field hospital!

Clint : [Looking momentarily to Alice's tummy] Tell me about it.

Faetan : [Looking momentarily to Chastity's tummy] Ummm... Later.

Alice : [Hand on her own, flat stomach] Yeah, Clint, it's got to be medication that drives people around you crazy, doesn't it? [Voice gets loud, crackly, as though over excited] Or is it the very thing that helps keep them sane around you?

Themitia : [Gently pushing Harvey away] Thanks you, kind sir, but there are no medics here, and the bleeding will never stop.

Austin : [Looks at his watch and fiddles momentarily, then looks up] Ha, just kidding [Smiles. Looks around to see that there is nothing happening here] Well, shall we proceed upon our chosen course [Gestures towards the house using Maplin as an extended arm, smirking]

[CELIA looks at AUSTIN's display with distaste, but is prevented from saying anything by a sudden explosion from the direction of CHAUGNER's house.]

Sarasate : [Completely unperturbed] Let's just look at the filth they live in. [Pushes open the door, and stands in the frame, amidst some screaming from inside.]

Harvey : [Turns towards Chaugners house] By the saints, what was that? [To Sarasate] What's all this about? Why are we looking in here?

Sarasate : [Still blocking the door] That was the well where your friends come out - it has just been filled in. I wanted to make sure that if things get a little difficult later in case I lost their loyalty.

Alice : If it's filled in, what happens to us?

Sarasate : You still appear there, but buried in rubble, so you'll be stuck, and slowly suffocate to death, only to reappear there again. [Laughs to himself, before suddenly glancing into the bar, shocked] What the hell is going on here?

Chastity : [To Austin] Perhaps he is not a gentleman after all, but he is honest. [A strained experession comes over Chastitys face as she grips her abdomen] Oh my, this one is kicking already. At least I hope that that ws a kick.

Alice : [White faced with shock] A what?

Harvey : [Quickly] A kick. [To Sarasate] You mean to say that you've destroyed any chance of them coming back to life if anything here happens to them?

Sarasate : [Still staring into the house] What? Oh, yeah. Yeah.

Austin : [To Harvey and Faetan] One believes that it would be in our best interest if you two could appropriate some spades and excavate us, should any of us die. We may die a few time before you reach us, but I expect we will be used to the excruciating pain by then.

Alice : Typical Austin, stuck in a hole and still digging!

Harvey : A good idea, Private, but used to excrutiating pain? What rot is that? It would hardly be excrutiating if you could get used to it, what? [Tries to see passed Sarasate, but can't]

Austin : [To Harvey] I mean used to excrutiating pain, for example, when one is having one's nipples pierced without anesthetic, the pain is excrutiating, but most enjoyable due to the plethora of endorphines the brain releases. It is all simply a matter of mind over matter, just as fear and joy are opposite sides of the same coin. [Tries to see in past Sarasate]

Alice : It's not so much the nipples that I find painful, Austin, more the - [notices Harvey looking at her incredulously] the same coin, you say? I don't think so, Austin, because once it gets passed a certain point even Ebeneezer* couldn't help you with the endorphines.

[As AUSTIN tries to peek passed SARASATE, he pushes him slighty to the side, allowing everyone to see in. It appears to be a small pub, with DUANE behind the bar, and some customers dotted around. They are SPAY DOMINO, at the bar, and JANET BLACK and DAVE THE DEMON, both sitting down.]

Duane : [Brightly] Hi! Welcome to the Super Super Extra Extra Happy Happy Nice Nice bar!

Alice : [To the others] Well, this sounds like a fairly nice place. Nothing

Austin : [Spies Duane and walks away from the door (outside). To Sarasate] No need to dilly dally in a squalid pub is there? We have work to do.

Alice : No need to dilly dally in a squalid pub? You've changed, man, changed!

Celia : [To Sarasate] What's wrong? A few moments ago you were very keen to get them in.

Sarasate : [Flustered] Er, Austin's right. Let's get the hell away from here. [Glances back into the bar, with a look that seems a mixture of fear and revulsion]

[SPAY holds up a glass of beer and smiles.]

Spay : Hey guys! Come on in!

Clint : I'm not getting the hell away from anywhere. There's beer inside there, and I'm thirsty. Don't you think hell is a pretty hot place? [Heads towards the bar]

Sarasate : [Annoyed] Tut!

Alice : I'll look after him. [Follows Clint up to the bar]

Duane : [Huge smile] Hi! It's so great to have you here at the Super Super Extra Extra Happy Happy Nice Nice bar!

Spay : [Warmly clasping Clint on the shoulder] Say, you look like one hell of a nice guy, but not as nice as me, you know? Haw! Someone better write that down, because these are going to be worth a fortune!

Harvey : [Watches Alice enter the pub and sighs] Well, I certainly can't let my niece alone in such a terrible dive of scum and villainy! [To Faetan] Come dear woman, I need someone capable to watch my back in the likelyhood of something going wrong. [Enters the bar]

Alice : [Annoyed at Harvey] Oh, and I can't watch your back?

Spay : [Looks up from Clint's shoulder at Alice] And who's this lovely lady?

Alice : [Smiles back at Spay, giggling foolishly] Hi! [Carelessly discards her sword on a nearby table.]

Clint : [To Spay] Say, what do you guys drink around here? Bloody Marys? [Laughs for a moment at his joke, before realizing no-one's laughing] Humpf. Well?

[A few seconds pass, and suddenly all the barfolk burst into laughter.]

Duane : Haw! Bloody Marys? Excellent!

Spay : [Wiping a laughter tear from his eye] Oh man, you're some comedian! We've got everything here, but we normally just drink the milk of human kindness. [Lifts up his glass in salute to the others, who respond in kind]

Alice : [To Clint] Eauh! I don't know who they get it from, but I think I'd prefer a beer.

Clint : I'll pass on the human kindness, but ... [eyes Alice momentarily] did you say you've got [emphasis] everything?

Duane : Of course! This is the Super Super Extra Extra Happy Happy Nice Nice bar! We're here to please you. Everything is super extra happy nice here.

Faetan : [Shudders] Where's the fun in that? If a big purple singing dinosaur comes skipping through that door, there'll be some killing.

Alice : [Glaring at Faetan] Hey! Chastity's as entitled to a drink as any of us!

Clint : [To Duane] So do you have a bottle of [pause, you can almost hear drums rolling] Louis XIV?

Duane : Well, I'm not really supposed to give this out, but I'm feeling super extra happy and nice today, so here you are. [Takes out the instantly recognisable bottle, and puts it on the counter in front of Clint]

Alice : [Audible gasp, as she puts on her shades because of the glare from the bottle] It certainly looks real.

Harvey : Harrumph! I hope you don't intend on drinking on duty, soldier!

Clint : You heard your uncle, Alice. Thank Philli I'm off duty! [Carefully starts opening the bottle, with that delicate manner needed when opening a 10,000 gp bottle] Duane, you're a really really extra extra nice guy.

Alice : [Dismayed] Hey! How come I'm on duty and Clint isn't? That's not fair. [Sits on a stool, sulking]

Duane : [Smiles brightly back at Clint] You know sir, that makes me super extra extra happy to hear that!

[The cork slips out with the delicate moist pop that only a cork from a 10,000 gp bottle of brandy can.]

Austin : [Flinches at the sound of the delicate pop, and looks whistfull into the bar, waiting for something really bad to happen] Anyone would think we were out for a plesant walk in the countryside.

Chastity : [Frowning into the pub] This is no time to be succumbing to the evils of liquor, Clint! [To Alice] Young lady, come here at once, you don't know where those men have been.

Alice : [Petulantly] I know where Clint has been, don't I? [Realisation dawns] Oh, yeah. I see what you mean. [Walks over to Chastity, but whines under her breath] But Louis XIV, Chastity!

Spay : [Genially] There's nothing bad that can happen here, we're in a have of happiness and niceness, [turns to the others] isn't that right?

Dave : Oh, absolutely! [Holds up his drink and smiles]

Janet : We're happy happy!

Harvey : Dear Alice, Alice is the opiate of the slovenly masses! And don't forget, this is hell, my dear! And we must be on our guard twenty four seven, what! Especially among a bunch of miscreants who seem so happy being here.

Alice : Alice is the opiate of the masses? Sounds like you've been at the opium, Uncle! [Mutters] Again.

Spay : [Cordially] Hey now, there's nothing wrong with being happy is there?

Duane : [Practically shouting, through his smile] No!

Spay : Just make yourself comfortable, and if there's anything we can do to make your stay in hell any more enjoyable, please don't hesitate to ask.

Harvey : [To Spay] Strong black coffees for the troop, sir! The stronger the better, what! [To the party] We shouldn't stay here longer than necessary, people! Hell is no place to enjoy yourselves!

Celia : [To Harvey] Maybe not enjoy, but wouldn't it be good to get some respite? [Snatches the bottle from in front of Clint, and takes a drink] Oh my! That is really good! [Beams happily at Janet and Dave, both whom have huge smiles fixed to their faces, before putting the bottle back down again.]

[A smile seems to be forcing its way onto SARASATE's face, as his upper lip twitches.]

Alice : [Still grumbling] I suppose she's not on duty either.

[There is a very strange atmosphere in the bar. Each of DAVE, JANET and DUANE seem to be almost forcing their smiles, while SPAY and CELIA are genuinely relaxed.]

Harvey : Dear niece, while I'm no enemy, or stranger to R'n R, there's a time and place for that sort of thing, and I don't think this is it! [To Sarasate] Well, can we move on?

Alice : What? So everyone is having a break except me? Oh, that's great!

Sarasate : [Breaks into a full smile] What's the rush, Harv? Let's have a few beers.

Spay : [Gives a little laugh] That's what I like to hear. Everyone loves beer, don't they?

Austin : [Laughs] I suspecteded as much. Only a prole would make such a statement. [Walks to the door and stands beside Sarasate] This place has the air of trickery and decite, and I shall have no part in it. [Stands OUTSIDE the front door]

Chastity : [To Austin] You should learn to trust people once in a while Austin, but I don't suppose you have ever tried. [To Harvey] Well Colonekl, what do you suggest, it does seem to be very, very nice nice to me [Giggle a bit]

Harvey : I'm not sure, good sister. [Watches Austin stepping outside the door] There is definitely something up here.

Celia : [Brightly to Spay] They're going to Nether City!

Spay : Well, what do you know about that? I bet it would be really helpful if someone could give you some information about it. We just living giving information here, don't we?

Janet : [Forced smile] Yes, we just love it.

Clint : [Looks around, from Janet to Spay, from Duane to Sarasate] [To Duane, snapping the bottle of Celia] Do we have to pay for the drink?

Duane : Hell, no!

Celia : [Gives Austin a curious look] My, my. You surprise me.

Clint : [To Celia] What surprises me is that I've got a bottle of Louis XIV in my hands, and there's no bar fight around me. And that I can have it for free. [Takes a good sniff from the bottle, trying to feel any weird smell coming of it]

Celia : Well, we don't often get folks like you around here, do we Duane?

Duane : [Laughs] No siree, no we don't!

Clint : That's what I like to hear! [Lifts his bottle, to Sarasate] Do you care to join me?

Sarasate : Sure! [Still smiling, although his eyes betray that he is not particularly happy]

Alice : [Rolling her eyes] What? So now not even Sarasate isn't on duty?

Clint : Here goes nothing! [Drinks a good portion of the bottle]

Celia : [Watching excitedly] Well? What does it taste like?

Spay : I think it's gonna be nice!

Clint : You should know Celia, you just had a drink a couple of minutes ago! [Takes another drink, without any fears] Aw yeah! You really are a super super nice bunch of people!

[JANET, DAVE and DUANE all smile and nod nervously.]

Celia : [Standing beside Clint] I know what I tasted, Clint, but not what you did. [Turns to the others in the party] Anyone else for a drink?

Harvey : Gah! Enough of this! [Takes the bottle] This is obviously some kind of hallucinogenic! There is something going on here.

Alice : [Visibly disappointed] Aw man! Now I'm missing Louis XIV *and* hallucinogenics. Clint, when am I off duty?

Austin : [From outside] This situation is highly ambiguous. We are in Hell and nothing is nice nice in Hell, and I do believe that Janet, Dave and Duane are straining under the pressure to conceal a hidden danger of some form. [Looks away] I for one do not wnat to spend the rest of eternity suffocating in the earth.

Celia : [Smiles warmly] Strange, how evil is in the eye of the beholder, isn't it?

Faetan : [Peers at Celia and ponders her cryptic comment, then turns to Clint] Hey, you holdin' up okay big guy? [Frowns at the bottle suspiciously]

Harvey : Harrumph! I must say, I don't approve of the troop drinking, Private. [Frowns at the bottle suspiciously]

Alice : [Still sulking] When am I going to be off duty? [Frowns at the bottle suspiciously]

Harvey : Dear niece, we'll all go out on Aubreys expense account as soon as we return to Queens View! Until then, I consider all of you, very much, on duty! [To Clint] You there private, enough of your bingeing, what! One more infraction and I'll have you doing pushups from dawn till dusk, you hear me! [Looks around the bar] Something is definitely not right here! There is no way that Pestilence would agree with people enjoying themselves! This smells of a trap.

Celia : [Smiling warmly at Harvey] Oh, it's no trap. At least, not for you it isn't.

Chastity : [Clutches her tummy again] Ow, that was a kick that time! [Goes all red faced as she straightens up] I don't know if its the atmosphere in here, the hot flush, the waves of hormones or the sight of Clint with a happy grin on his face, but I have my doubts about this place. As the good book says "The devil makes use of idle hands" and this place seems to generate idle hands. It's not like me to be cynical, but I am cynical. Also unusually, I'm with the lawyer! [Goes outside with Austin]

Harvey : Indeed so, dear sister, indeed so. Well troop, let's be on the off, what! There's a portal out of nethercity with our names on it! Chop chop!

Clint : Aw c'mon Harv, what's wrong with a little liquor once in a while? The place outside is so dry it looks like hell! [Ponders] And it is hell, so since we've found such a comfortable place in here, why not take advantage of it? We all surely look like we need some rest, after all we've been through in that awful house [shivers at the thought]. Let's drink just one more!

Janet : [Smiling through gritted teeth] Bye now!

Celia : Are you sure you should be so suspicious? Sarasate, what do you think of this place?

Sarasate : [Clearly uptight] I think it is great.

Spay : There you go! That's more like it. Maybe Sarasate would like some of your brandy?

Sarasate : No, I'm fine!

Chastity : [To Clint, through the doorway] Why don't you try drinking that outside and see if it still tastes so good? [To Austin] Wasn't there screaming coming from in there a few minutes ago?

Austin : There most certainly was, and it should be obvious to all but the most foolish that this is a trap. I suggest we all leave immediately.

Chastity : [To those inside the bar] Didn't you hear Celia telling Harvey that it wasn't a trap [emphasises] "for him". [normal voice, if not slightly more urgent] Why do you think that is?

Alice : Oh, I know! Because it's a trap for someone else!

Clint : That's more like it Bimbo! Now just get your uncle to bring that bottle back and we can all relax. [To Sarasate] Right? On Mon, 29 Apr 2002, Miguel wrote:

Alice : [Looks confused for a few moments, before pointing behind Clint] Isn't that the bottle there?

Sarasate : [Smiles thinly] Yes, then we can all relax.

Celia : [To Sarasate] Why don't you sit down?

[SARASATE joins with JANET and DAVE.]

Clint : [Looking at the bottle Alice points at, and then back at Alice] Ah, Bimbo, you won't get me that easy, I'm not that drunk yet. [Points at the bottle Harvey is holding] That's the bottle! [To Harvey] C'mon Colonel, there's obviously something going on in here, it might be to our advantage. So while we wait for it, how about we have a little more Louis XIV? Maybe even Alice could have a little. [To Spay] Right?

Austin : [To Celia, from outside]Is this a trap for me by any chance? [Pauses] Whatever it is, it does not appear to be pertinent to our current mission.

Spay : [To Clint] Sure you can! [Turns to Duane] Another bottle for my new best friend!

Alice : [Looks passed Clint at the empty beer bottle on the counter, before saying petulantly] Well, it looks like it!

Celia : [To Austin] Of course it isn't - what kind of trap would let you just walk out. [Turns to Sarasate's table] Isn't that right? Dave, Sarasate and Janet : Right!

Clint : Great! So if this isn't a trap, I'll have another go at the Louis XIV. [To Spay] In fact, why don't we all have a glass? Even the Bimbo if she's off duty! Man, I never thought Hell could be this good.

Spay : Hey, that's a really nice idea. [Pours out seven glasses, one for each party member and one for Sarasate, which he brings over to him] There y'go, enjoy!

[SARASATE tentatively takes a drink, and immediately starts coughing and choking, with brandy coming out of his mouth and nose, showering JANET and DAVE.]

Alice : [Smells her glass] Well, it smells like the real thing, but are you sure it was, Clint? You know, you are a tasteless, mindless and oafish barbarian, after all.

Clint : [Downs his glass, and licks his lips] [To Alice] Does that answer your question?

Alice : [Unhappily] Well, no. [Takes a tiny sip, and gives a shudder all over, before smiling broadly] That answers my question! [Downs her glass, causing her body to give a shudder of pleasure as she shuts her eyes and revels in it] Oh, yes. Phew. I think I need a cigarette after that.

[Meanwhile, SARASATE continues to give the odd cough and splutter.]

Chastity : Sarasate, you seem to be in some distress, despite your painful looking grin. [Aside to Austin] I wonder if this trap is in fact for Sarasate. To stop him in his quest for power down here.

Harvey : Possibly Sister, but Sarasate seems to be a small time player here in hell, a pawn, a lackey of some sort. Although, now that you mention it, he did have that envelope with him with something about an ultimate weapon.

Celia : [Warmly] Why don't you all come in? You know it's safe here, at least, it is for you. You won't find too many places like this in hell, so make the most of it.

Alice : [On her fourth brandy] Hear hear!

Celia : [Slightly reproachfully, but still good natured, to Alice] But don't make too much of it.

Chastity : [Looks round the members of the group. To Austin] A trap this may be, but the other members of the group are settled in here, and I don't fancy our chances if we were split up from the body of the group, what with you only having one active arm, and myself heavily, ehm, defiled. Maybe we'd best rejoin the Body of the Kirk, as it were. [Sighs and tentatively steps back into the pub]

Spay : Hey, that's really nice. What can I get you, Sister? It's just so nice dealing with nice people, and nice to be help to help them out when I can.

Chastity : [Forcing a smile] No thank you, I'm fine. [Does a polite small burp, covering her mouth and grimacing] Although maybe some milk of magnesia would go down well.

Duane : Yes sirree, we can do that. [Pours out a shot of milk of magnesia and slides it down the counter to Chastity]

Alice : Mm, I wouldn't mind some of that, I'm getting a little indigestion from the brandy. [Stretches out one finger to stop the glass, but accidently knocks it over] Oops.

Sarasate : [Makes a terrible face, as though he's about to start screaming, but instead says very loudly] I'm so happy!

Austin : [Eyes the goings on suspiciously from outside] Would someone care to pass me a glass of Louis XIV, whilst I sit out here on this spendid day and admire the view? [Keeps a sly eye on Sarasate]

Spay : Hey, that's a nice idea, but I'm afraid there's no drinking outside. If there was, why, there'd be hell to pay!

[CELIA and SPAY roar with laughter.]

Chastity : [Carefully looks at the milk of magnesia spilt on the bar]

Alice : [Who, despite her distance from the milk has managed to acquire a milk moustache] What's wrong Chastity? It looks perfectly normal.

Celia : [To Austin] Are you sure you won't come in Austin? Despite what you did earlier, I don't hold grudges.

Faetan : [Approaching the bar] Give me a beer.

Clint : [To Celia, clearly starting to get drunk] You don't hold what?

Celia : [Smiles] Your attention, I guess.

Clint : [Downing yet another brandy glass] I stronly believe we arre you the rright track. This place [pours another glass, half lands on the counter] has definitely what it takes to get rrrid of that wanker [tries to point at Sarasate]. We must be on some sorrrrt of Sanctuarry [downs the glass, half through his nose].

Faetan : [Takes the beer, moving towards the door] Get real. A sanctuary in hell? That'll be the day...

Celia : Why don't you have some faith, Faetan? [Gives a slight shrug] Sometimes not even you are right all the time.

Faetan : Faith?! [Snorts] I'm more a 'believe it when I see it' sort of person. I've been here before, sister, and I never saw any hints of 'niceness.' And I would think ol' Sethie would raise a huge fuss if he knew. I see no fussing... [Continues towards door]

Celia : You have seen it, and yet you don't believe. I hope you enjoy being so miserable all the time, Fae, because you're really good at it. I wonder how Himo would feel about it though.

Spay : [Stepping towards Faetan, but stopping a few feet away, arms spread] Hey, let's all be nice here, okay?

[FAETAN has got to the doorway, and is halfway in and halfway out, with the bottle just outside.]

Faetan : I'm being perfectly NICE, you don't see me chopping anyone's limbs off willy nilly, do y-- [pause, eyes Celia with a frown] How do YOU know my father's name? I never told you!

Celia : [Gives a nervous smile] I know a lot of things. Himo's name is just one of them. The fact that this is a safe place, well, that's another. [Gives a shrug] I can't explain it, just take my word for it, I know a lot things.

Alice : Do you know why builders' jeans always end up hanging halfway down their ass, so you can see an uncomfortably large amount of crack?

Celia : That's because they tend to keep heavy tools in the pockets, which drags the trousers down.

Alice : [Impressed] Interesting.

Faetan : [Nearly incensed] There is no way my father's name would be mentioned in hell! His good deeds and righteous acts of coolness assure him a comfy spot in heaven!

Celia : [Still nice and calm] I'm sure that's true.

Faetan : Darn tootin'. [Leans back against doorjam, still half-in and half-out, and chugs at the beer]

Chastity : [To Faetan] Calm yourself, child. Your father's actions have maybe put numerous people down here, so his name would be known. [Sees that Faetan is swilling her beer nearly outside the door] Duane, you wouldn't happen to have a jug of salt water and a sick bucket behind the bar, would you?

Celia : [Turns to the party] She must be very difficult to put up with.

Alice : You don't know the half of it!

Celia : I do - remember, I know a lot of things.

Alice : Do you know what shape my birthmark is?

Celia : It's not a birthmark, it's a tattoo.

Alice : [To the shocked looking Harvey] Um, [lamely] she doesn't know everything?

Faetan : BLAAAAAARGH!!!!! [Vomits all over Austin, the beer bottle jolted out of her nerveless fingers] WHAT THE HELL!!! That's the NASTIEST beer I've ever had! Tastes like CRAP!

Duane : Yes, I sure do.

Spay : Hey, Duane, play nice. An empty sick bucket please.

Duane : [Nervous laugh] Of course.

[DUANE is caught halfway between bar and FAETAN with the bucket.]

Austin : [Outraged] Can't you control yourself, woman? Look at what you've done! It's bad enough that we're in this disgusting place dressed in these pathetic clothes without having somebody throw up all over us. My God, soon I'll smell almost as bad as Clint did back in Queens View!

Alice : [Leaning over to look at Austin] Wow, you must eat a lot of carrots, Faetan!

[FAETAN is clearly badly shaken after the experience, as evidence by some brown liquid dripping out of her nose.]

Alice : You don't want to snort that back up, Fae.

Chastity : [To Duane] Never mind. Maybe a bucket full of sawdust would be more appropriate,[Trying not to smirk, but failing in the happy atmosphere] and maybe a cloth for the lawyer.

Faetan : [To Austin] Bite me, lawyer! [Spits out vomit residue, wipes her nose callously on a discarded glove]

[DUANE produces a brilliantly white towel, and holds it out to CHASTITY.]

Austin : [To Faetan] I see your lack of graciousness is matched only by your propensity for aggression. [Proceeds to clean himself off]

Faetan : [Narrows her eyes, stares at Austin for a moment] What crawled up YOUR butt...Maplin?

Chastity : [Takes the towel from Duane] Thank you. [Sees that Austin is already cleaning himself off. To Duane] Is it alright if I just keep hold of this. My second husband, George had this friend, Adam Douglas, who was a great low budget traveller. He once told me that [holds up the towel] a towel was the most important possession someone could have. It'll probably come in useful.

Duane : Of course.

Austin : [Sneering at Faetan] I see the foul smelling cocktail of vomit, beer and whatever fast food you had for dinner is not the worst thing to come out of your mouth. [FAETAN growls, then hauls off and tries to slug Austin in the jaw]

[Smack. FAETAN's hand crashes into AUSTIN's jaw, sending him to the ground.]

Harvey : Gah! [Draws his sword] Man down!

Alice : [Also drawing her sword] I knew she was going to get us into trouble.

Faetan : [Folds arms behind head, a cathartic effect settling in] Mmmmmm...yes, that's much better. Thank you, Austin, just the ticket!

Chastity : [To Faetan] Faetan Jarl! What do you think you are doing? Bickering and catty comments are one thing within the group, but outright assault is a no-no. This is still a team, albeit disfunctional at times. Help Austin up this moment and apologise.

Faetan : [Hands still locked behind her head, chuckling] Chill out, sister, it was only a love tap. He can take it.

Harvey : Gah! What kind of trouble maker have we been landed with now?

[Suddenly, from around the corner of the bar, DANA, DOCTOR HART, MURIEL and CHARLES burst into sight. CHARLES is at the head of them and literally throws himself at FAETAN, smashing her into the nose with all his might. DANA, meanwhile, kicks the poor unfortunate AUSTIN into the back of the head. FAETAN and CHARLES both fall to the ground, although FAETAN doesn't appear hurt.]

Austin : [Crying out in pain] Argh! What's going on?

Chastity : [Brandishing her mace] Austin! Faetan! Quickly, get into the bar. [To Harvey] Colonel, come on. You've your sword drawn already. [Goes to help drag Faetan into the bar]

Celia : No! Don't leave the bar!

[FAETAN is unhurt, and tries to get up, but is swamped by DANA, HART, MURIEL and CHARLES, who abandon AUSTIN and pile on top of her.]

Austin : [Flicking a speck of diced carrot off his sleeve towards the melee] Looks like Faetan is receiving a love tap of her own.

[HARVEY swings at HART, and drives his sword into his back, eliciting a painful cry.]

Hart : Ow! Hey, that really hurt!

Harvey : [Draws out his sword] Yes, that's the general idea, fiend! [Swings at Hart again]

Faetan : [From under the pile of bodies] Help! They're trying to get my talisman!

[HARVEY swings at hits the unfortunate DOCTOR HART again.]

Hart : [Staggers against the pile of bodies] Hurry up!

Dana : [Appearing from beneath the pile] Look what I've got! [Holds up Faetan's talisman]

Austin : [Idly examining his finger nails] Oh dear. I do believe that Faetan is now susceptible to wounds.

Faetan : [Shouting at the pile] Hey you peesacrap! Give that back!

Clint : [Slowly dawning upon all the fuss around him] Hey!, there's a fight! [Draws his sword] Let's have fun! [Looks around, a bit confused] Errr... who are the bad guys?

Alice : I'm not sure, but I think Faetan's one!

[HART turns and dives at HARVEY, stabbing him hard with a scalpel, but it doesn't break the skin. DANA steps back and puts on the talisma, and takes out a flask of oil.]

Spay : Hey! That's not nice.

Clint : Hey! [Picks up the bottle of Louis XIV, quickly checks to see that it has long been emptied by him] Ah!, the sin! [Carefully aims, and throws it against Dana, trying to knock the flask off her hands]

[The bottle flies from CLINT's hand, narrowly missing ALICE, but hitting DANA smack in the middle of the head.]

Alice : Yay! That'll show her not to mess with us!

[To ALICE's dismay, the bottle disentegrates without hurting DANA, who throws the now lit cannister of oil into the back of the bar, landing just in front of the table where SARASATE and the others are sitting. It bursts into flame, setting the three of them on fire. None of the three move, alhtough they are clearly in pain.]

Faetan : [Whistles sharply] Hey! Clint! Get these big fat losers off-a me!

Chastity : [Glances at the flaming trio] Hmmm, so much for the sanctuary theory! [Tries to knock someoone off of the Fatean "pile-on" pile with a swing of her mace]

[CHASTITY and HARVEY lay into HART and MURIEL respectively. HARVEY and strikes HART, who stabs him again with his scalpel, but still does no damage. CHASTITY clobbers MURIEL with her mace, but not before she stabs FAETAN with her wedding cake knife. Meanwhile, CHARLES turns to AUSTIN, sword drawn, while DANA takes out another flask of oil.]

Sarasate : [With a cross between a smile and a grimace on his face] Help - me!

Clint : [Drawing his sword] A man can't even enjoy his drink in peace anymore. [Runs over to the pile on top of Faetan and tries to kick one of them out] That'll teach you not to attack a member of the group, Fae! [Try as he might, CLINT cannot get out passed HARVEY and CHASTITY who engage HART and MURIEL, which results in MURIEL getting a smack to the side of the head from CHASTITY.]

Dana : [Throwing the cannister into the room, narrowly missing Harvey] Withdraw! We'll pick them off as they come out.

Charles : [To Austin] There's only room for one pretty boy here, and that's me. [Swings his sword, gashing Austin across the chest]

[As the cannister explodes near THEMITIA, the four begin to withdraw.]

Chastity : [Still swinging at the retreating Muriel, but trying to make room for Clint to engage in the action] Keep at them. Divided we fall, but united under Phili we prevail. Right Colonel?

[CLINT squeezes out between CHASTITY and HARVEY, and takes a swing, but MURIEL has joined the retreat.]

Harvey : Too right, good sister. A chain is only as good as it's weakest link, [glares at Faetan with a face like thunder] and you, my girl, would do well to remember that.

[THEMITIA catches fire, and falls to the ground screaming.]

Celia : Oh no! Help us!

[The four are now running away from the party, leaving AUSTIN and FAETAN on the ground.]

Harvey : By the saints, that was an odd battle! Which one has Faetans pendant? [Helps Faetan from the ground]

Chastity : I believe it was the bottle throwing Dana. [Looks back into the bar] Hadn't we better do something for the fire? [Goes back into the bar to find a soda fountain]

Duane : [As Chastity approaches the bar, taking out a glass, breaking it and threatening her with it] Get the fuck away from my bar!

[THEMITIA continues screaming as CELIA tries to pat down the fire.]

Alice : [Looks at the fire. Looks at the contents of her glass. Looks at the fire. Looks at the contents of the glass once more] How about we throw something on it to put the fire out?

All : No!

Austin : [Breezing in past Faetan, who is slowly pulling herself to her feet] To lose one pendant, Faetan, is unfortunate. To lose two is, quite simply, careless.

[SARASATE and the others suddenly leap to their feet, clearly in agony, and heading towards the door.]

Chastity : [Holds up her towel matador style to Duane] What happened to the Super Super Nice Nice etc etc atmosphere?

Duane : I'm super super sick of it, and I'm super super sick of you and your shite!

[HARVEY bends down to help CELIA put out the fire on THEMITIA, quite unperturbed by SARASATE rushing past him, and bursting through AUSTIN and FAETAN on their way in.]

Faetan : [Now extremely angry] Hey! Watch where you're going!

[JANET falls to the ground face down, while DAVE, burning and clearly in agony, staggers around the bar.]

Alice : [Watching all this wide-eyed in shock, looking from one burning body to another] Hm. [Looks at the contents of her glass] I knew it was too good to last. [Drinks back the shot of brandy, and her face immediately takes on a horrified look, before the entire contents of her stomach are emptied onto the ground in front of her.]

Faetan : [Grimacing at the puke] Fantastic... That's it, no more trips to Hell for me, this was quite enough. [Assists Harvey in putting out the fire]

Chastity : [Gives a small self-righteous smile to herself] Ah, good. I knew this place was too good to be true. [To Duane] Enjoy the remaining eternity down here. [To the rest of the group] I think it's time we left. This is a hellish bar after all. [Gives another small smirk at her little pun and heads towards the door]

[The fire is soon out, but THEMITIA is dead, as is JANET.]

Alice : [Wiping her mouth] But I was in the bar! I was in the bar! [Looks down at the pile of vomit, and spots something, which she picks up] Hey! I was wondering what happened to that! [Puts the earring back on.]

[Meanwhile, DUANE runs at CHASTITY, pushing her to one side as he makes for the door.]

Alice : [Catches Chastity's arm] Hang on, Chas. We don't know what's waiting out there. We're clearly safer in here. This is a fine place to regroup.

Harvey : Other than the fact that it's on fire, young Alice.

Celia : That doesn't matter - they've ruined it. It won't be safe for very much longer. I hope you can beat the others in a fight, otherwise you're in big trouble.

Faetan : [Blinks] What's HIS hurry? [Stands up] Well, at least they're not DEAD dead, I mean...heck, they're *already* dead as it is...

Harvey : Well my dear Celia, I think we can, and we're no strangers to trouble, infact, you might say it's our troops speciality, both finding and overcoming, what! [To the others] Okay troop, health check! Who's in need of help and who's ready to fight another round?

Celia : It makes a difference to them, I can assure you. [Draws a sword and sticks it into Dave] We're in a lot of trouble.

Alice : [To Faetan] You know, I can't help but feel that we wouldn't have been taken by surprise quite so badly if you hadn't have punched Austin. I don't know where you're from, Faetan, and I don't know how [emphasises] you people do it in [emphasises] your country, but where we're from, people treat their fellow party members with dignity and respect. Isn't that right, Stinky?

Clint : That's right, Bimbo.

Faetan : [Unsheaths sword, grins darkly] Ready.

Celia : [To Harvey] Do they often find it with each other?

Faetan : [To Alice] I couldn't agree more. But when people don't treat ME with dignity and respect, it pisses me off. And when I'm pissed off, I usually kill things. [Glares at Austin] Usually.

Harvey : [Sighs heavily] Sadly, dear lady, yes. But I must admit to being quite shocked at some of the ferocity shown by newly acquired troop members to some of the more established privates! By the saints, wouldn't have happened in my day! Except for private Biffa Bacon back in '69!

Alice : [Nodding in agreement with Faetan] I know what you mean, when people throw up on you, or when they ask you what you've got stuck up your butt.

Austin : [Examines his nails idly] Keep in mind, Faetan, that when you assaulted me, you were wearing the talisman and that protected you. That is no longer the case. If you assault me again, I will kill you.

Celia : Can we all just calm down a bit? Be a little bit nicer?

Harvey : [Angrily to Austin] By the saints, private! There'll be no more threatening behaviour amongst this troop, do I make myself clear! Must I remind you that we are all in a predicament here, and this constant threatmongery is not helping our cause! If you feel the need to threaten someone, hold it in until we meet one of the bad guys here, of which I'm sure we'll meet many! That's an order, troop!

Faetan : Austin's been short-tempered and foul ever since he walked out of the bar. Up until that point, we got along famously, so yes, I feel entitled to ask if something is wrong as he's clearly not acting like his normal charming self...and you can all bite me if you don't like my methods. Got a problem with that?

Austin : [Unimpressed at Harvey] If you feel the need to order someone around, hold it in until we meet someone who believes you're in charge of him. [Turns to Faetan] I have not been my normal, charming self since you threw up on me. Do not claim that I am the one at fault at here.

Alice : [With a neutral tone and expression] I don't bite, normally, but if you attack someone in the party again, I will.

Clint : [To Alice] She didn't mean bite literally. [To Faetan] Did you?

Faetan : Not as far as I know. And I never claimed that YOU were at fault, lawyer, get it straight. Can we PLEASE go kill those guys now?! [Points her sword towards the door impatiently]

Celia : Please! Stop this. Come with me. [Goes to one of the interior doors]

Clint : It's not that simple, Faetan. You hurt the trust of this group, and you personally disappointed me. We [points at all in the group except Faetan] have been around long enough to hate each other, but respect each other anyway. Remember that. [Uncomfortable silence for a while, only broke by a cleary unwanted fart from Clint] Sorry. [To Celia] Ok, where are you taking us?

Faetan : [Grumbling, fades to the back] Rassumfraggin' ingrates...

Alice : [Dodging a tiny fireball from the back of Clint, who standing a little too close to some flame when breaking wind] Ingrates? [Points angrily at Faetan] Don't you even start on that!

Celia : [Getting a little desperate] There's a back way out of here. [Opens the door and looks in, before turning back to the party] Come on!

Faetan : [Expression hardens, and she ignores the others] How do we know we can trust you, Celia? Weren't you in on this little bar set-up as well?

Celia : [Snapping] It's because I was in on the bar set-up that you should trust me. Oh, forget it. Stay here if you want. [Goes through the door and slams it]

Alice : [Picking up one of Janet's cigarettes and lighting it off the burning bar] A more relevant question is how do [emphasises] we know we can trust her? [Points her cigarette at Faetan]

Harvey : [Incredulous at Alice's cigarette] Niece, you don't smoke!

Alice : Smoking's cool, Uncle. And, in fairness, lighting my cigarette off the bar was a smooth move, you have to admit. [Takes a drag off the cigarette, but her face wrinkles up in disgust as she throws the cigarette to the ground, and rubs the top of her tongue off her top teeth, vainly trying to get rid of the taste.] Eauh!

Faetan : [More incoherent mumblings and grumblings] Losers... [Goes through the door and slams it]

Alice : What happens now? Do we have any choice but to go through too?

Chastity : [Glancing round the group, pausing momentarily at Austin, but continuing.] I'm sure some of us think we should take the opportunity to sneak off in the opposite direction. But it is time to practice what we preach - in ideal I for one hold sacred. How is the girl to understand the concept of solidarity and teamwork if we just desert her. I say we follow on through the door together. [Goes up to the door and puts her hand on the handle, ready to open] Come on, all together now, ready for action.

Austin : It is not her that we would first desert.

[CHASTITY opens the door, and exit ALL through it.]

[Book III, Act I, Scene V. The Back Room. HARVEY, AUSTIN, ALICE, CLINT and CHASTITY are here, having just entered, followed by SPAY. FAETAN and CELIA are here, with a young child, MEWT, who is holding onto CELIA.]

Celia : [Talking to Faetan as the party enter] I know that you and your group and evil, but you've got to pull yourselves together. No more infighting or you'll all suffer.

Chastity : [To Mewt] Hello, little girl. How did such an adorable, if not slightly unkept and grubby, little one end up down here?

Alice : [Indignantly] Hey!

[HARVEY nods in the direction of MEWT.]

Alice : Oh.

[MEWT doesn't reply, and just clings more tightly to CELIA.]

Spay : She doesn't say much. Celia, being so nice, took pity on her being down here all on her own, and what with being so young and all. She was safe in the bar, but not any more.

Clint : What was that bar anyway? Was it really a sanctuary? In hell?

Faetan : [Ceases speaking with Celia, passes one quick frown to the party, then folds her arms and turns back] Hmmmm...

Chastity : [Goes over to Faetan and puts her hand on her shoulder] Come now dear, don't be like that. Were all in this together, and willing to put any previous indifferences behind us. Phili knows we all have individual squabbles within the group, but at the end of the day, as the famous St. Leonard of Vulcan once said "The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few". That seems pretty logical to me.

Celia : It was a sanctuary, but not the type that you might think.

Chastity : [Takes her hand off Faetan before there is any adverse reaction, and turns to Celia] So it wasn't a sanctuary blocking out all the hatred and anger within Hell, then?

Harvey : [Scratching a sideburn] Not the type of sanctuary we might think? I wonder how? Perhaps that was one of the few areas in hell outside of Sotots grip, where his evil couldn't penetrate. [Turns and looks at the burning bar] I guess we'll never know, what!

Celia : [Smiles back at Chastity] Not exactly.

Alice : [To Harvey] Sotot? Don't you mean Seth?

Harvey : Oh dear niece, I'm afraid with all the evil devils hell bent on our destruction, this poor old soldier gets a little confused! [To Celia] So, dear woman, what sort of sanctuary was it?

Alice : Yeah, like the confusion has nothing to do with all that cheese you were smoking back in Irving's house. [Thinks for a minute] Wait a minute, that was me - hey!

Celia : It was a sanctuary that fed off anger, and rewarded pure thoughts.

Clint : Then I guess it's a pure, God-damned miracle that any of us got through the door!

Austin : Pure God-dammed stupidity would be the more likely case.

Celia : [Thinly, to Austin] Or perhaps you just slipped through the net by virtue of your association with the others.

Harvey : [Glancing at Faetan] I see, fed off anger, eh! [To Celia, pointing at Mewt] What's that cute adorable little troopmember doing in Hell? Surely she couldn't have done anything bad enough to end up here?

Austin : [To Harvey] You presume that you have to do something bad to end up in Hell, thereby inferring that Chastity has done something bad. [To Chastity] Would you care to tell us about it?

Celia : You'd be suprised at how easy it is for people to be dragged into hell, regardless of how cute and adorable they are.

[ALICE coughs to get HARVEY's attention, but everyone's attention is only drawn to the remnants of her vomit moustache.]

Celia : Hell has "stolen souls", people who genuinely don't deserve to be here, but who were dragged in some how. Poor Mewt is one of those.

[MEWT whispers something to CELIA.]

Harvey : Dear troop, I was of course not inferring that we all ended up in hell due to evil deeds during our lives! You were all sucked here by that blaggard Darius! My dear Alice is the very carnation of all that is wholesome and good!

Alice : What's your part in all this, Celia?

Celia : Well, believe it or not, [looks at Harvey] some people voluntarily enter hell.

Chastity : [Ignores Austin's bitter insinuations. To Harvey] Oh Harvey, that's why I like you so much, always seeing the positive in people and are willing to aid those worthy. Even into Hell itself.

Austin : [Looks at the others, to see who laughs first]

Clint : [Laughs] Yeah babe, we've all had those kind of mornings! But the night before was always worth it!

Harvey : [Bows deeply to Chastity] At your service, dear sister! [To Celia] Are you saying that you also entered this god forsaken place voluntarily, dear woman?

Celia : Well -

[CELIA is suddenly interrupted by each of the windows being broken.]

Spay : Oh no! They're trying to get in the windows - and the only way out is back through the fire.

Harvey : Surely there'll be more waiting for us at the main door, fellow! The two pronged attack, Philli blast their hides!

Chastity : What's through the third door from the bar?

Spay : Contraceptive Device storage.

Alice : What? You've got a room full of condoms?

Spay : No, full of pictures of this. [Shows Alice a picture]

Alice : That's not a bad looking horse.

Spay : It's actually a woman.

[Although the door back to the bar is shut, it was burning quite badly before the party left there. The chances are that it is now burning much more fiercely.]

Clint : [Looks at the picture] Hey sis, that circus photo even made it down here!

[From outside, DOCTOR HART's voice can be heard.]

Hart : Surrender now, and we will leave each you with a kidney.

Celia : [To Spay] This is your bar, what do you think?

Spay : I think the situation isn't nice. Actually, it's shit.

Chastity : [Panicking] What? [grabs the picture from Spay and looks at it] That's not it, there's not hair on ...[realisation dawns] Oh, very good Clint, raising everyones spirits with a joke. [forced laugh] Ha, ha. Very good. [Give the picture back to Spay. To Spay] It wasn't me in that Circus picture you know.

Spay : Oh. Okay. [Hands a GP over to Celia]

Celia : [Points at Chastity and makes a clicking sound with her tongue] I knew it!

Harvey : [Turns to Spay] Is there any other way out of this bar? An underground passage perhaps? Gah, if only the doctor were here! He'd have us out of this inferno is two seconds flat!

[There is suddenly a terrific crash coming from the roof.]

Alice : [Delighted] Hey! I bet it's Jerome! I bet he got his hot air balloon, will save us from here, and then fly all the way back up to earth. Yay! [Gives two thumbs up]

Faetan : [Rolling her eyes, and growling] Jerome is trapped with Sarasate.

Alice : Oh.

Spay : There is an escape hatch, but, well, there's an issue with it.

[A small cannister of oil is dropped in through a window, and starts a small fire behind ALICE and HARVEY.]

Harvey : [Protecting Alice from the fire] Issue? What blazing issue, man? Is there a servicable escape hatch or not? We've got to get out of here!

Spay : The fact that the hatch can only be locked from the inside.

Alice : So, what's the problem? We just lock it when we're inside.

Spay : No, by inside I meant outside.

Clint : Whatever, lets just kill something!

Harvey : [Flustered] What? By inside you meant outside? Speak sense damn your hide!

Chastity : [To Faetan] I actually have Jerome's cube in my pocket, but we probably need Sarasate to release him.

Faetan : That's what I meant.

Spay : The key is on this side of the trap door. Someone would have to stay behind to break the key in the lock to make sure we're not followed.

Austin : [To Spay] That wont be neccessary, I know a neat trick that will render the lock inoperable once we have left, from the other side.

Spay : That may work on most locks, but not on this. There's no way of accessing it from the other side.

[Lifts up a trapdoor in the bottom right hand corner, and this is indeed the case. The lock is simply fixed onto the door, and doesn't go right through it.]

Austin : We can just jam the door from the otherside.

Chastity : Clint, can't you do something with that little mind trick of yours?

Harvey : Good thinking there, private Sleaze! But would it not be easier for us to make a break for it and to tarnations with the lock! They'll know all too quickly we're no longer in this room, and chances are, they also know where the exit lies. [Wipes sweat from his brow] We need to act quickly, lads!

Austin : [To Chastity] Mind trick? The door does not have a mind, and I must say, that as usual, I agree with the Colonel. Let us proceed without further ado. [Goes through the trapdoor]

Spay : [To Austin] It opens up. How can we block that?

[Another cannister flies in, landing behind MEWT and CELIA, who immediately leans over MEWT to protect her.]

Faetan : We're not leaving any one behind - how about checking the door back into the bar, in case there's a way out through there? [AUSTIN climbs in, revealing to the others that there is a long ladder leading down into darkness.]

Alice : [Peering in after him] I wonder, how hard is it to climb down a ladder with only one hand?

Spay : I'll check the bar. [Opens the door leading back into the bar.]

[Standing in the bar, apparantly unharmed by the flames is DANA, holding a huge spear, which she immediately impales SPAY on, SPAY gasps and falls to the ground, with about two feet of the spear sticking out of his back.]

Dana : Nice to see you!

Alice : [Muttering to the others] How's he going to fit through the trap door now?

Harvey : Blast! Yet another casualty in this senseless war! Alright troop, the bar is blocked, we've no option but to go this way! Alice, you next, followed by Celia and the child, then the sister and the rest of us! Quickly now!

Alice : Okay, I'll take a torch. [Picks up a torch from the ground] Any one got something to light it off? [Looks around] Oh. [Lights it off the burning ceiling, and climbs down after Austin]

Celia : [Whispers something to Mewt, before turning to Harvey] Someone has to stay here, and it has to be me.

Harvey : [Turns to Celia] What, what's that? Of course you can't stay here, my dear! What reason do you have to stay behind? Come on, down the trapdoor with you!

Clint : [Pushes up against the door, blocking it] Look, whatever you're going to do, do it quickly! It's hot as hell in here!

[CHASTITY and MEWT head down the trapdoor.]

Celia : [Draws her sword and sticks it into Dana, but only succeeds in pushing her back, before turning to Harvey] Get lost old man, and take those other losers with you. I can look after myself, you'll only slow me down.

[DOCTOR HART starts climbing in one of the windows.]

Hart : [Burning his hands] Ow! Hey, how come I don't get to wear the pendant?

[CLINT's attempt to slam the door fails, as both CELIA and DANA are blocking it.]

Faetan : [Jabbing her sword into Hart, almost knocking him back out the window] Come on! We've got to go!

Chastity : [To Mewt] Come on, my dear. Watch your step. No, don't touch that lady's flaming torch.

Harvey : [Looks at Celia] So be it, madam! My hat is off to you! [To Faetan] Down you go soldier! [To Clint] Private, get down there!

Clint : [To Harvey] You go down old man, I'll cover your back! [Tries to knock Dr. Hart off the window]

Austin : [Screaming at the top of his voice to Clint] Clint! Bring the key from the door, this is a TRAP!!

[CLINT hits HART, who falls out, but MURIEL leans in the next window and stabs CLINT hard in the shoulder.]

Faetan : [Unhappy] Okay, but this isn't right. [Climbs in, but stays looking out] Come on!

[Down in the tunnel, the bottom is now lit up from ALICE's torch.]

Alice : [Irritated] What's wrong with you Austin? Just keep going. Look, the floor is just ahead of you.

Harvey :[Swings at Muriel] What's going on down there, Austin!

[MURIEL takes a hit from HARVEY, but is now in the room. At the same time, HART literally throws himself through the window, and CHARLES comes in from another one, while DANA forces CELIA back into the room.]

Celia : [Angrily to Clint and Harvey] For fuck's sake, get out of here!

Clint : [To Harvey] Stop being a nice guy and get the fuck out of here, I'll follow you down the hole! [Shouting to Austin] Austin, what's the problem with the trap?

Harvey : By the saints, there's a mouth! Follow me, private Scar! [Climbs down the ladder]

[HARVEY slips down, as both CLINT and CELIA are forced back towards the centre of the room.]

Alice : [Calling up] We've got to the bottom, and it looks like there is a tunnel leading away - I guess Austin couldn't see it.

Clint : [To Celia] I like a woman with attitude. If only we had had a little more time... [Slips down through the tunnel]

Harvey : [Tuts] Good grief, private! She's in enough trouble as it is without the thought of you bearing down on the poor thing!

[As CLINT slips down through the trapdoor, CELIA dives onto it closing it, but keeping it open a tiny bit. She leans in and gives CLINT the roughest french kiss he's ever experienced, before pulling back.]

Celia : Get to Nether City - there Hierophantic Knights are in hell to get the ultimate weapon, and they'll need all the help they can get. Go to the soul twister bar, and meet with a Knight there called Goring, when you do meet - [someone stabs her through the back. Quickly she slams the door, and Clint can hear a key locking, and then snapping.]

[All but CLINT are on the ground now, and he is halfway down. MEWT looks up at the now shut door, looking as though she's about to burst into tears.]

Alice : I'll look after you little girl.

Mewt : [Small voice] Where's Celia?

Alice : Uh - she - she's dead! [Bursts into tears] Oh, the humanity!

[MEWT seems somewhat surprised at this, and just stands looking at ALICE.]

Austin : [Hurries down the ladder as quick as a one armed man can] I retract my former statement!

Clint : [Clearly stunned by the kiss] Aw c'mon that's not fair! I get to shift with a babe and the next thing she's dead! Where's the justice in that? [Hurries down the tunnel to join the others] Stop crying, Bimbo. She's gone from Hell to Heaven, what more do you want?

Harvey : [Hugs Alice] There, there my dear! She's already dead, don't forget! Infact, she's probably used to it and doesn't even mind!

Alice : Maybe they won't kill her - maybe they'll just torture her and torture her? Hey - did she say a Hierophantic Knight called Goring?

Faetan : She did. That's Sven's name.

Harvey : [Pats Alice on the back again] Could it be one and the same? By the saints, we must help him immediately! [To Chastity] Dear sister, perhaps you could take care of the little one?

Clint : [Says nothing, but starts rubbing his left shoulder, with a visible smile on his face]

Alice : [Looks down the tunnel] Well, it looks like this is the only way out.

Clint : [Coughs violently as if choking] Yuck!, the dirty bitch gave me her chewing gum! [Pulls out a large marble from his mouth] Oh. It's a marble. Probably one of those orb things again. [Pause] Oups.

Alice : Let me see. [Holds out her hand]

Austin : [To the others] I suspect that Celia was infact a Hierophantic knight. The evidence suggests this.

Harvey : [Looks down the tunnel carefully, trying to spot any obvious traps] Well private Scar, is it an orb?

Clint : [To Alice] No offense Bimbo, but I'll give it to the sist. You might let it fall and it'll break. [Turns over to Chastity, but trips and sends the orb flying] Gah! Catch it!

Alice : I got it! [Reaches her hands up, missing the orb completely, letting it smack her hard in the forehead] Ow!

[The orb bounces straight up, and somehow lands in her hand.]

Alice : [Holding it out to Chastity] It's very sticky, isn't it?

[MEWT sidles upto CLINT and holds his hand, clearly expecting to walk down the tunnel in this manner.]

Clint : [With an embarassed look on his face] Err, I think the... hummm, child, wants to go down the tunnel. [Starts walking down the tunnel] [To Alice] Don't you want to take care of little Mewt?

Alice : No need, I think you're doing a fine job, Clint!

Harvey : [Smiles] Ah, isn't that a sight, what! [Whispering loudly to Alice] By the saints dear niece, the child must have nostrils of titanium!

Faetan : Yeah, yeah. It's all beautiful. [Starts down the tunnel] Are you lot coming?

Austin : [Chuckling with glee. To Clint] One kiss and you are a single parent family!

Harvey : I suppose it does away with all that annoying stork business, what! [FAETAN trudges off into the darkness, pausing only to light her own torch.]

Alice : I presume we're going to follow?

Austin : [Pat Harvey on the back. Still laughing] That is the most humerous occurence that I have witnessed in some time. [Straightens up, to Mewt] Do not worry, Mewt, Clint will protect you, as will the rest of us, and we will all try to get you out of Hell, with us.

Chastity : [Takes the orb from Alice in a small rag, ripped from the towel] I knew this would be useful. The last thing I want to do is actually handle Clints sticky orbs after they've been in his mouth! [Puts the orb in her pocket and takes Mewts hand] Come with me dear. I'll tell you about all the little darling children I had when I was a mummy. [To the others] I think I'm best qualified here. It'll let Clint worry about killing things.

[MEWT says nothing, but looks up at CLINT with sad, but trusting eyes.]

[MEWT pulls her hand away from CHASTITY, and clings onto CLINT.]

Clint : [Muttering] Oh great. [To all] Let's go then. [To Austin] And no more sad jokes, Lawyer.

Harvey : [Looks in confusion at Austin] What? What did I say? Gah, enough of this! [Looks after Faetan] She's a brave one, I'll give her that. Who else would willingly test the tunnel for traps, what? Come on, let's follow.

[The tunnel goes on for about two hundred metres, and, when the party get to the outside, FAETAN is waiting outside. About half a mile away they can see a huge wall, with a building set into it.]

Faetan : So, I guess that's Nether City.

Faetan : [Keeps looking at it for a moment] Eh. Seen worse. [Grunts and continues forward, sword in hand]

Harvey : [Blinking in the sunlight, shudders] Forboding looking place, isn't it!

Alice : [Childishly mimicking Faetan] Seen worse.

Clint : [To Mewt] So little one, where to now? Maybe you want to take Faetan's hand and lead her?

Faetan : [Gives a start, glances back at Clint] Urrr...I'm not so good with kids, they usually don't like me. [Pointed look at Alice] [MEWT squeezes CLINT's hand even tighter, and shakes her head, before pointing towards the middle of the wall, where there appears to be a building.]

Alice : I'm sure I can't imagine why.

Faetan : Heh. Try. [Heads towards building]

Harvey : [To Faetan] Hold your horses there a moment, private! I want everyone to check their cuts and bruises and to ask the good sister should any healing be required! No point galloping into another conflict with half the troop on their deathbeds, what!

Chastity : Good Colonel, I fear that in this awful place I'm not able to administer any curing.

Faetan : Exactly. Phili's not about to set foot in here, if you'll pardon the expression sister. The sooner we find Sven, the faster we can get out of this hellhole.

Harvey : Unfortunate sister, but certainly not disastrous! By the saints, your warm smile is cure enough for any damaged soldier! Okay people, lets proceed with all due caution to the building! [To Clint] Private, perhaps you could ask your little charge what exactly that place is?

Clint : [Gives an annoyed look back to Harvey] [To Mewt] What exactly is that place?

Mewt : [Very softly] That's the Soul Twister.

Faetan : [To Alice] Don't get too excited, it's not a refreshing beverage made of seven fruits and vegetables.

Alice : Fruits and vegetables may get you excited, Faetan, but I'm not that kind of girl.

Harvey : [Makes gagging sounds] Egads, this hell just keeps getting more and more disgusting!

Faetan : [Smirks, then turns towards Clint and Mewt] So what's a 'Soul Twister' do exactly?

[MEWT says nothing, and just looks at the ground.]

Alice : [Crouching down to speak to Mewt] Should we go there?

[MEWT nods.]

Clint : [Clearly annoyed with all the hand-holding] Let's go then. [Heads towards the Soul Twister]

Harvey : Well, who are we to doubt the words of such a cute and adorable little cherub! [Searches in his pocket and pulls out a fluff coated sticky toffee] Here you go my little darling!

Faetan : GEW! [Shudders, walks faster towards the Soul Twister]

[MEWT strokes it, like a child would a small teddy bear, before taking it and putting it into her own pocket, making sure to still hold onto CLINT's hand. The party head towards the Soul Twister. As they get closer, they can see that it looks like a cross between a bar and some kind of twisted church. There are a fair few people wandering around outside, most of these, like SARASATE's original group, bear the mark of how they died, e.g. arrow through the head, woman's show shoved down the throat etc. Standing in front, shouting through a hailer is PHET CHUSSY.]

Phet : Souls, souls, souls! All souls must go. At the Soul Twister, we're slashing souls in half. This is a soul blow out! Make us an offer on our vast selection of souls! We got white souls, black souls, Spanish souls, yellow souls, hot souls, cold souls, wet souls, tight souls, big souls, fat souls, hairy souls, [big sniff] smelly souls, velvet souls, silk souls, Naugahyde souls, snappin' souls, horse souls, dog souls, mule souls, fake souls! If we don't have it, you don't want it!

Faetan : Guess it's a soul food type of joint...hey you! Got any viking souls?

Phet : Viking soul? [Laughs aloud] Haw! We got some crazy viking in there, kicking demon ass! You think you're hard enough?

Faetan : [Grins crazily] You bet! [Charges into bar, making some sort of squealy noise that sounds vaguely like a 'wheeeeeee!']

Harvey : [Gasps with delight] At last, a cobblers! My boots were nearly done in, look! [Shows the party a hole forming in the arch of his boot]

[As FAETAN charges passed PHET he lets fly with a punch, smacking her square in the face, and knocking her back down the steps leading to the door.]

Phet : [Claps his hands together] Alright! Take advantage of our penny soul sale. Buy any soul at our regular price, you get another soul, of equal or lesser value, for a penny. Now try and beat souls for a penny. If you can find cheaper souls anywhere, then fuck you! punch!

Faetan : [Staggers back, wipes the blood from her lip] You peesacrap, you're gonna die!!! [Brings sword up to defense]

Phet : [Laughs loudly at Faetan] Hey, girly. No one gets in here unless [juts his thumb at himself] I say so.

Faetan : Fine. Then tell the Viking demon that there's a monster here to see him.

Harvey : Excuse me there fellow, but can we enter your establishment?

Phet : To see him? [Roars with laughter again] Man, I almost want to let you in 'cos you're so funny! [Turns to Harvey] Sure you can, off you go.

Faetan : Funny?! Argh! Harvey, would you mind grabbing Goring and bringing him out?

Clint : And me, and me?

Phet : [To Clint] Sure, knock yourself out. But hey, how much for the women? The little girl? How much?

Faetan : PHAW!!! We are NOT for sale, thankyouverymuch!!!

Phet : This is the Soul Twister, [loudly] everything's for sale!

Harvey : [To Faetan] Perhaps if you asked the man he might let you in. [Turns to Phet] They're not for sale.

Alice : Can I go in?

Phet : Sure!

Faetan : And I am NOT a thing! So...how about letting me take a look at the wares inside?

Phet : I already said, no.

[ALICE skips passed FAETAN, pausing to momentarily stick her tongue out, heading towards the bar, until to be punched hard in the face too.]

Alice : [Lying on her back on the ground] Ow!

Faetan : Holy freakin' cow!!! You are the WORST businessman I've ever seen! You wanna sell one of your souls or not?!

Phet : No! I don't want to sell one - I wanna sell 'em all! [Sneers at her] But not to the likes of you.

Harvey : Alice! [Goes up to Phet, assuming the classic boxing pose] Have at you sir, punch my niece would you! Put your dukes up and fight me like a man!

Phet : Sure! [Punches Harvey as hard as he can, but his fist just bounces off, causing Phet's face to drop] Oh. Oh, I'm sorry, sir. Um, won't you and your friends please go in? On Fri, 3 May 2002 conor.ryan@ul.ie wrote:

Harvey : [Concealing his surprise] You sir, are a brigand, and you can be sure I'll be bringing your name up in conversation with the powers that be very shortly! [Gestures to the others] Come people, let this oik bother you no more! [Walks towards the door]

Phet : Of course, sir. Of course. I'm sorry. [Tries to get to the door to open it for Harvey, but ends up just getting in his way]

Faetan : That's better. [Brushes her sleeve disdainfully and follows]

Harvey : [Tuts and pushes Phet out of the way] Oh, one more thing, I want you to apologise to the two ladies who you abused, this instant!

Phet : [Trying to wipe the blood off Faetan's face with a filthy handkerchief] I'm so terribly sorry!

Faetan : Pluh?! [slaps handkerchief away] Just don't do it again. [Jerks her thumb towards Alice] She needs more help than me anyway.

Alice : [Angrily to Faetan] Don't point that thing at me.

[PHET comes through the main door with the party. There is another, huge pair of doors just inside. From within come the sounds of mayhem, as though there is a huge, epic fight going on.]

Phet : I hope you're ready for this - those two are causing a huge fight. You know, the viking and the other one.

Faetan : Is he, perchance, a cakeboy dressed in green?

Phet : [Still quite nervous] A - a cakeboy? I don't know what that is, but he's not dressed in green.

Faetan : Yeah, cakeboy...fudgepacker, gayrod, butt pirate...oh never mind. [Forges ahead to the doors]

Harvey : [Turns to Phet] Okay, I'm sure I can find my own way from here! [Takes out his sword] Well troop, ready to join the fray?

[FAETAN pushes the doors apart, and they swing in.]

[Book III, Act I, Scene VI. Inside the Soul Twister. HARVEY, AUSTIN, ALICE, CLINT, MEWT, FAETAN and CHASTITY are here, having just entered. The room is simply massive, and is filled with all kinds of revolting looking demons. There are a lot of balconies overlooking the floor, but there are only a few people in those. Most of them are gathered around in a circle, but the party can't see what is in the middle of the circle, although they can hear a man's voice calling out.]

Man : Okay, that was just a warning, now, are you going to leave us through, or are we going to have to turn nasty?

Faetan : [Bellows loudly] HEY! I want a piece of that action! [Tries to jump up and see into the middle]

Harvey : [Sighs and glares at Faetan] Yes troop, whatever we do, let's not draw too much attention to ourselves, eh! Until we know exactly what we're up against! [The crowd part as FAETAN pushes her way in, allowing the whole party to see what is going on. Standing in the middle, back to back, weapons drawn, surrounded by dead demons are SKY TENETTA and HELGA GORING.]

Helga : [Turning towards Faetan, sword extended] You want a piece of this action? I don't think so.

Faetan : [Sighs, clearly disappointed] No, I guess not... [Squints at Sky more sharply, then her eyes go wide] You!!!

Chastity : [Sighing] Phili preserve us! We meet up with an knight and Faetan doesn't like them! Typical! like that! :-)

Austin : [To Chastity, nodding towards Faetan] What in Hell is wrong with her? She assaults me, and now appears to be about to pick a fight with our only hope of escape.

Austin : [To Chastity] Is she on the rasberry preserve express or something? [Examines Maplin, and pulls out a few maggots, grimacing]

Chastity : Austin, I think you've been around Clint for far too long. That's the sort of crass euphemism I'd expect from him. Next you'll be enquiring on how long I've been in the bakers club, or something. [Rubs her tummy, defensively] Oh, my straining back [Rubs her back as well].

Austin : [Fans himself with Maplin (It is as hot as Hell in here). To Chastity, surprised] Why yes, Chassers, I do believe you are correct. Excuse me [Adjusts his very poorly fitting suit, frowns as a bit of material comes awway in his hand] As far as I remember, you have been with child for at least a day. Do you think that Faetan is menstruating, and that if so, this may be the cause of her unusually impulsive and aggressive behaviour?

Chastity : I don't think so, I think that's just the way she is. In fact, if anything such aggressively impatient defensiveness may be attributable to stress due to the late arrival of the domestic painters and decorators. [Realises what she's said.] Damnation, you've got me at it too now! Phili forgive me.

Austin : [To Chastity, even more suprised] You are kidding me! How late? Or do you mean late arrival...no, she is not that young. [Pauses] Do you think she would drink in that condition? Maybe she wants to get rid of it, have you ever performed the operation?

Chastity : [Shocked] The murder of an unborn child? Crushing the precious gift life bound together with Phili's love? Austin Sleaze, as an daughter of Phili, and a 12 time mother myself, I am bound to preserve the lives of the unborn. I thought that even you would hold that sacrosanct?The very idea!

Faetan : [Flailing hands about] GAH! I am NOT pregnant, and I am NOT experiencing monthlies, thankyouverymuch! [Grumbles] Idiots. [Louder] I know that guy! [Points at Sky] I never said I was ANGRY with him, he's the one that got me started in the path to find you guys! [Pauses to consider] Well now that you mention it...

Clint : [Mumbling to Harvey] So much for keeping a low profile, eh?

Austin : [To Clint] Well, we are much better at high profile. [Looks at Faetan] don't you think?

Chastity : [Also looking in Faetan's direction] Not that we have much choice.

Clint : [To Austin] You're definitely getting high Lawyer. Not sure about the profile, though.

Austin : [To Clint] After all those years of smelling sublime, Maplin has had a most horrific curse inflicted on him by the big 'S' and he does not need the likes of you rubbing it in [Turns and hides Maplin away from Clint]

Alice : What about the curse inflicted on us by the big 'P'? [Looks at Faetan]

Sky : [Taking a drink of the glass of whiskey in his left hand, looking over the top of his glass at Faetan] It's me alright.

Helga : [To the party in general] Well? We've just finished explaining to these gentlemen the consequence of bothering us - do we need to repeat it for you?

Harvey : [To Helga, bowing deeply] Well met, dear madam! [To Sky] Greetings once again, dear sir. Let me tell you that the device you gave me came very much in need. You have my thanks, sir!

Austin : [To Harvey] I just hope it comes with a lifetime guarantee. [Smirks at his own joke]

Sky : [Raises his glass in salute to Harvey] It was my pleasure sir, and I am not even remotely surprised that you have turned up at this moment, just when we need help the most.

Helga : [Runs her eyes over the party, before looking behind them and calling out] A private room for my friends and I!

[PHET is standing behind the party.]

Phet : [To Harvey] Well, if that's okay with you, sir.

Harvey : What? Yes, of course! Lead the way.

[PHET brings the party and HELGA and SKY to small room, with a large table and some chairs. The table is covered in enormous piles of donuts and cakes, all of which are covered in filthy maggots and disgusting looking mould.]

Alice : Eauh! What's going on here?

Phet : We're expecting a bus load of cops from Nether City in about an hour or so, but feel free to help yourself.

Chastity : [To Phet] Thank my man. You wouldn't be able to serve up a nice cup of Earl Grey, would you? You know, just to accompany these cakes.

Austin : [To Chastity] Having not yet established what the drinks were made of in the last public drinking establishment that we visited I advise caution in ordering any beverages in Hell. [Checks his nails, grimaces and holds his hand behind his back]

Chastity : [To Austin] You seem to presume that I was actually going to drink anything in here. As my third husband, George, used to say, "As you can judge a book by its cover, you can judge a tea room by its cakes". Wise words indeed I'm sure you'll agree, given what's on the table.

Harvey : [Reaches for a cake, sniffs it and drops it back on the plate] Perhaps not, alas! [To Chastity] Indeed, good sister, very wise words! This George seems like a character with his head firmly screwed on! [Turns to Sky] What brings you both to this terrible place, and how can we help?

Alice : A few little insects can't harm you! Just pluck them off. [Reaches down to flick off what looks like a little worm, but it gives a ferocious growl and opens huge, salivating jaws that snap at her] Hey!

Sky : [Smiles at Harvey and chuckles] Straight to the point, as ever, Colonel. I like that. We're hear to find a little doohickey the boffins like to call the ultimate weapon.

Alice : [Looks from Sky to Harvey, and back to Sky again, then from Sky to Faetan, and back to Sky, before looking back to Faetan once more, and then to Harvey, and once again back to Faetan] Uh, I'm feeling a bit dizzy. [Sways slightly, but steadies herself] Do you know each other?

Faetan : Yes. A bit. [Eyes Sky for a moment, then folds arms] Any idea what the ultimate weapon is, yet?

Sky : Not a clue - but that is probably just as well. It is extremely difficult to get into Nether City - we've had reports that they even read your mind to determine your intentions. That's what we're here to try and figure out.

Alice : [Tutting in frustration at Faetan] And were you as much of a hard ass bitch to him, too? [Turns to Harvey] Harvey? What's the story here?

Harvey : I met the good Mr. Tenetta as I was returning to Queens View. He was the one that gave me the talismans.

Faetan : [Snickering at Alice] You say it like it's a BAD thing.

Alice : For most people, it would be. For you, it's probably the nicest thing I can think of to say.

Faetan : [Starts to say something...then grins and shakes her head, turning away] I can't...it's just too easy.

Chastity : [Nearly picking up a chelsea bun, but then thinking better of it] Did anyone see where Sarasate disappeared off to? I presume he's headed in this direction. [To Sky] Do you know how many entrances there are to Nether City?

Faetan : [Still very amused] Howzabout we all get knocked unconscious, and Alice pulls us in via wagon? When they try to read her mind, they'll get lost in the cobwebs...instant victory.

Alice : [Sympathetically to Faetan] Too easy to just make some mindless bitchy remark? Yeah, I guess it is. Curious though, how it's never stopped you before.

[SKY makes to reply to CHASTITY, but is interrupted by HELGA.]

Helga : [Irritated] You know, I'm here as well! [To Chastity] There are four entrances, one of which is located either near or in this building. I wanted to just burn the place to the ground, but Pretty Boy here was against it.

[SKY smiles and points at HELGA, making a "click-click" sound.]

Helga : Who are you people? [Clearly directed at Faetan] What is your connection with Sky?

Alice : Good idea Fae, we can get you to attack some of the party members again.

Faetan : Don't need your permission. [Smirks, then glances at Helga] Not sure exactly...he helped me out after a minor tussle with some ne'er-do-wells in the woods. What's your relation with Sven?

Alice : It's easier to get permission than forgiveness.

Helga : He was my brother.

Faetan : [To Alice] And I'm not asking for either one from you. [Turns back to Helga] Sven was one of my best friends growing up... Did he ever mention a Himo Jarl?

Alice : It's just as well.

Helga : No. Is that you?

Chastity : [Rolls her eye's in a "Here we go again" style, and looks apprehensively to Helga and then to Faetan, waiting for the reaction to Helga's answer, whatever it may be]

Faetan : GAH!!! Hasn't ANYONE heard of him?! [Folds arms and taps foot, glaring at the ceiling impatiently] He was a knight if that means anything.

Helga : Did he die a brave death? Is he feasting in Halvalla with Sven?

Faetan : [Sighs fondly] I don't know about the latter, but the former...yes. He died nobly for country and kinsmen. Any sister of Sven's deserves my respect and allegiance. [Inclines head] Out of curiosity...how did all the cops wind up in hell?

[Everyone laughs at FAETAN's naivety.]

Sky : [Gives Faetan a playful tap on the chin] Still a charmer, eh?

Faetan : Er... Never been one of my traits... [Clears throat, looks around to inspect the oh-so-interesting walls, floor, and ceiling]

Alice : [To Sky] So, you obviously don't know Faetan very well?

Sky : So many beautiful women, so little time. [Flashes a smile so bright that everyone covers their eyes.] So, why are you lot heading to Nether City?

Clint : [Taking off his shades after the smile scene] I know what you mean... Anyway, we're going to the Nether City to find a way out of hell. Unless you know of a quicker way out.

Sky : [Opens his shirt down unnecessarily far to reveal that he is wearing a talisman identical to Harvey's] Unless you've got one of these babies, Nether City is your best bet.

Alice : Unless you've got a hairy chest? [Glances at Faetan] Guess you won't be needing to go to Nether City then, huh?

Austin : [To Helga] Sarasate had an envelope marked 'ultimate weapon', so if we catch him it might tell us more.

Helga : What's a Sarasate?

Austin : [To Helga] A Sarasate is a wannabe arch demon, who currently has th good doctor Trindle in a cube in his pocket. He also carries an envelope marked 'ultimate weapon'. Do you know what the weapon looks like? We may have seen it already.

Chastity : [Pulling a small glass cube from her pocket and showing it to Austin] Actually Sarasate has the good doctor Trindle in a cube in [Emphasises]"my" pocket. [Gently dusts off the cube and puts the cube back in her pocket. To Helga and Sky] Hopefully we'll find a way to release him soon.

Alice : Actually, Chastity has Jerome. Maybe the weapon is an envelope? You know, you just post it to who ever you want to kill, and it does the business.

Helga : That's really ultimate though, is it? I don't know what it looks like, but I'd assume it's some kind of mass destruction weapon.

Austin : [To CLint] Show Helga your ball, perhaps she knows what it is.

Harvey : If the ultimate weapon is in hell, why doesn't that blackguard Seth just use it? It would seem the kind of thing he would do, what?

Sky : On the face of it, yes, but not even Seth knows exactly what the weapon is - legend has it that the ultimate weapon was used in a huge battle between good and evil thousands of years ago, and has been lost ever since.

Chastity : [To Austin] Again, I actually have Clints marble sized ball. [Fishes around in her pocket and produces Clint's ball, wrapped in a grimy torn piece of white towel]

Alice : [Looking with disgust at the piece of towel] Aw, Chastity! That is digusting! [Puts her hand to her head] I think I'm going to faint!

Austin : Clints ball could be the ultimate weapon, the ball that Celia gave to him that is.

Chastity : [To Alice] No, dear, not THAT ball. [Shakes her head] As Austin said, the one he got from Celia's kiss, Phili protect her soul.

Chastity : [Beams] I knew Phili would deliver us from this place. Praise be! [Wraps the ball back up in the towel and puts it back in her pocket]

Harvey : Praise be indeed sister! This old soldier never doubted him! [To Sky and Helga] Do you know the easiest way into the Nethercity. Can we get in quietly, or must we fight our way tooth and nail?

Harvey : Harrumph! Surely Seth knows what weapon it is, given that it was used to defeat him.

Helga : It wasn't used to defeat him - Seth wasn't always the top devil. Believe me, the guy that came before him would make Seth look like a boy scout.

Alice : Why? Is he into dressing people up?

Austin : [To Chastity] Yes. Remind me to thank him for getting me here in the first place. [To Mewt] I take it that you would like to come with us back to our reality?

Helga : [Drawing her sword and swiping it around wildly] The question should be, must we get in quietly, or can we fight our way in tooth and nail?

Sky : [Smiles at Helga] Easy, tiger. Actually, the best thing would be to find your arch demon friend, and get him to bring you in, if you're on good terms.

Mewt : [Still holding Clint's hand] Only if Uncle Clint is going to be there.

Austin : [To Mewt] Oh I do hope Uncle CLint will be there. I expect he will learn to cook and clean and provide for all your needs, [Looks at Clint] Won't you Uncle Clint. He's so nice he'll probably buy you a new dress as soon as we get there.

Clint : [Extremely uncomfortable] Errmm.. yes, I will be there. [To Austin] Fuck off Lawyer.

Alice : If Phili won the last time around, surely he could just tell you what the weapon is?

Sky : Yeah, you'd think that, wouldn't you?

Austin : [To Mewt] Well, Uncle CLint may use bad words but he is not very good with words, but never mind because he is good with his sword, and when we get back we can all stay at Colonel Harvey's house, which is a very nice place. [Frowns at Clint]

Harvey : Yes, Private Sleaze, we will make sure that there is [pause] appropriate accomodation for each troop member.

Chastity : [To Alice and Sky] If this were the final battle between good and evil no doubt Phili would have told us what the ultimate weapon is. As it is, this is just yet another battle, and we must draw upon not his ultimate weapon, but his ultimate strength - Phili's love. [Looks round the group] Now then, is it reasonable to assume that Sarasate will come into here to enter Nether City?

Alice : [Looks at Chastity confused for a few seconds, before realisation dawns] Oh that ball. Right.

Sky : [Pulls back the towel and gives a little smile] Excellent!

Helga : [Unimpressed at the ball] Cute, but not exactly ultimate.

Sky : It's a dimension jar. You should be able to use that once inside Nether City to jump back to your own reality. Believe it or not, there are a few statues of Phili in Nether City, put there by Seth so Phili could witness the terrible things that go on there. If you throw this at one, it will open up a gate for a few seconds that you can escape through.

Helga : If he's anything like the other, scum-sucking evil bastards in the bar, then yes.

Alice : [To Chastity] That doesn't make any sense, why doesn't he just tell us what it is?

Sky : Well, the good Phili is a hands off kind of guy.

[ALICE sneaks a look at AUSTIN's stump, just as someone starts banging on the door.]

Sky : There's a good reason why he won't just tell us, but I don't think we'll have time.

Chastity : [Calling through the door] Who's there?

Austin : [Tucks Maplin into his empty sleve and then tucks him into his jacket Napoleon style. To Alice] What? There is no food there you know!

Alice : What?

[The door is kicked open, enter SARASATE.]

Helga : Will I kill him?

Austin : [To Helga, calmy] That is a Sarasate. [Then formally introduces the pair] Sarasate, meet Helga, Helga Sarasate.

Alice : [Urgently, under her breath to Austin] It's Helga Goring!

Sarasate : [Clearly extremely angry] You bastards! You left me to die!

Clint : We left you to die? Not a chance! An arch daemon? You're one of the most powerful creatures around! [Looks at the others for approval] Right?

Faetan : [Frowns] Yeah... And if I remember right, he left US to die. Completely ditched!

Sarasate : [Looks angrily at Faetan and Clint] Bah! [Calms down a bit] Anyway, you say [correct pronounciation] tomato, I say [incorrect, American pronounciation] tomato. [Looks at Sky and Helga] What are they?

Faetan : Guest stars. [Starts grumbling under breath about American pronunciation being correct]

Sarasate : I didn't hire them. What can they do?

Sky : [Starts clicking his fingers in time, before starting to sing in a wonderfully smooth voice] Take one fresh and tender kiss, add one stolen night of bliss. One girl, one boy, some grief, some joy, memories are made of this.

[Everyone turns to HELGA.]

Helga : [Singing way off key] Take one long and tempered sword, add one mad and angry hoard. Some die, some kill, much grief, no joy, memories are made of this.

Sarasate : Bit of a mixed bag, I fear.

Faetan : I like Helga's song. A lot.

Sarasate : Well, get yourselves ready, we're going into Nether City tonight. [Pauses to pick up a roach-infested donut] Are you ready for this?

Alice : Ready to enter the city? Or ready to watch you eat that?

Sarasate : [Chewing down the donut, making a disgusting crunching noise as he does so] Entering the city. It's an... interesting experience.

Clint : Anything we should be prepared for?

Sarasate : Let's just say that the gatekeeper is very vigilant. [Gives the group a meaningful look]

All : The gatekeeper is very vigilant.

Sarasate : Oh, so you're familiar with him, then? There is a special corridor that we must pass through. No one knows how it works, but it echoes the current thoughts of those who pass through it. You'd better be sure you've got a pure motive for being there.

Faetan : [Snorts] 'Pure.' Good one, chief.

Harvey : And what, pray tell, constitutes a pure thought in hell?

Sarasate : Oh, you know, the usual thing. Rape, pillage, murder, robbery, that kind of thing.

Alice : What about extending one's My Little Pony collection?

Sarasate : [Snarling at Alice] That's the kind of thinking that's going to get us all in trouble!

Clint : Really? I thought that was a very hellish thought myself. [Gives Alice a thumbs up]

Faetan : [To Sarasate] You might THINK it's pure and innocent, but I tell ya...she puts up a good, bloody fight over a still-in-the-package mint condition Sundance and Megan set.

Sarasate : Well, maybe. Just remember, if any of you get stopped on the way in, you're on your own.

Clint : I'm sure we'll all be safe with you. Shall we go then?

Faetan : [Nods] Unless we want to be the one thing standing between a mob of cops and a plate of donuts. Let's get outta here.

Sky : Far be it from me to a barrier, [smiles at Faetan] albeit a beautiful one, between cops and their tasty treats, but I think Helga and I may have some difficulty getting in if this gatekeeper is as vigilant as your friend says.

Faetan : [Blinks at Sky, then clears throat and looks away to Sarasate] So how tough is this gatekeeper then? Can we kill him?

Sarasate : It's not so much a him, as a them.

Alice : Them as in two weak and sickly men? Who can hardly lift the too heavy swords they've been given? Who have armour made out of paper?

Sarasate : More like them in the eight thousand rabid Scotsmen with huge swords and unnecessarily short kilts sense of the word.

Faetan : Ooooo? Are they accepting recruits?

Alice : [Dismissively to Faetan] He said huge penises. [Pause] I mean, swords!

Sarasate : Not so much recruits as slaves.

Chastity : Right then, has everyone got a motive for getting into Nether City ready in their mind? Shall we go then? [To Sarasate] Oh, hold on. What about Dr. Trindle. Is he safe from scanning inside this cube, or can you release him. [Takes the cube from her pocket, but keeps it tightly in her hand]

Alice : What if our motive is just to get out of hell? Will they know that?

Sarasate : Yes.

Alice : Damn! [Kicks a chair, and stomps around, sulking]

Sarasate : But that's okay.

Alice : Yay! [Beams happily again]

Sarasate : That kind of thing is okay, but if you've got any ideas about disrupting the balance of power down here, [glances at Harvey and then Helga and Sven] they'll know.

Faetan : [Looks between Chastity and Sarasate] If Seth isn't as powerful as his predecessor, then what happened to the old guy?

Chastity : I'm not really privy to the goings on down in Hell. I like to concentrate on events back home. But , just like back home on the mortal coil, you don't have to be the most powerful climb the rungs of power. Hell will be full of two faced, unscrupulous, back stabbing types. I imagine that may have something to do with it. [To Sarasate] Or maybe not?

Sarasate : No one really knows what happened to him, he's referred to as "The Nameless One".

Alice : Really? What's his name?

Sarasate : [Ignoring Alice] Every few thousand years there is a huge battle between good and evil, which good has always managed to win, more because of Phili's management strategy than anything else. A long, long time ago, evil was about to triumph, and, rather than let that happen, Phili caused an ice age, killing about 99% of life on earth, but also in hell. Ever wondered where the phrase "when hell freezes over" comes from? It refers to the next time it will have to happen, which could be this time, as evil came close last around, and with the four horsemen of the apocalypse back again, things are looking pretty tight. [Smiles to himself] Whoever has the ultimate weapon, which was lost during the ice age, is going to be in a very strong position.

Alice : What about having your cake and eating it?

Sarasate : Huh?

Alice : Where does that phrase come from? It doesn't really make any sense, does it? Surely you must have it before you can eat.

Sarasate : Yes, but once it's eaten, you longer have it.

[ALICE says nothing, and just looks confused.]

Faetan : Four horsemen... And I'm guessing Pestilence is one of these. Who are the other three?

Austin : [Off handedly] Contagion, and some others. [To Sarasate] What is the Ultimate weapon? What information do you have? Are the documents you carry details of the device, or its whereabouts or both?

Sarasate : [Irritated] I don't have any documents.

Harvey : [Pointing at the huge envelope with "Ultimate Weapon" sticking out of Sarasate's jacket pocket] What about those?

Sarasate : [Takes the envelope, folds it and stuffs it into his trousers pocket] Well, I know where it is supposed to be, but not what it is. Personally, I think it is a special sword, that can kill people from a distance.

Faetan : [Frowns] Doesn't that take all the fun out of a sword?

Chastity : I think you'll find that all swords can kill from a distance, just that the distance usually isn't particularly great. Not that I want to be pedantic, of course. That's usually the lawyers job. [Nods towards Austin] Anyway, does it matter at this precise moment? [To Sarasate] Again, what about the imprisoned Dr. Trindle?

Sarasate : Once we're through the gate to Nether City, I'll release him.

Sky : Tell me more about this gateway, can it really read your mind?

Sarasate : Oh, no. But, when someone speaks, it echoes what they are really thinking. If you keep your mouth shut, it can't work. Similarly, if you disguise your thoughts, that works too. However, the guards at the gate will definitely demand you answer at least one question before you're let in.

Clint : Like, "What are you thinking?" [Laughs at himself] Ok, enough of this, we got to get going.

Sarasate : Good idea. [Opens the door]

[HELGA and SKY make no move.]

Helga : We'll find another way in, if it's all the same to you.

Chastity : Why? Can't you cloak your thoughts? Even I will have to think of some awful things to get through. I just don't know where I can get my inspiration, [Glances at Austin] but I'm sure I'll think of something.

Sky : [To Sarasate] Well, you're the guy with local knowledge. How good is this thing at reading thoughts?

Sarsate : I guess it depends on how good you are at masking them, but the answer is not really that good at all.

Helga : Then let's go. Let's kick some demon ass.

[SARASATE opens his eyes in surprise.]

Helga : Not you. [Pause] For a while.

[Exit ALL.]

[Book III, Act I, Scene VII. The Corridor of Truth. HELGA, SKY, SARASATE, HARVEY, AUSTIN, ALICE, CLINT, MEWT, FAETAN and CHASTITY are here, having just passed through the Soul Twister, and into a small cave. At the end of the cave is what appears to be a lead corridor, which leads to another cave.]

Alice : Where are all the Scotsmen?

Sarasate : Oh, you know Scotsmen, they only come out when there's a fight.

Harvey : [Regarding the corridor suspiciously] So, how does thing work?

Sarasate : No one knows. My guess is that it was left over by the Nameless One. There were some pretty strange inventions around that time - remember, that was the time that produced the ultimate weapon. [Goes a bit wistful] It was the golden age of war. Imagine it, even Phili indulged in mass murder.

Clint : [To Chastity] I guess even the ol'Phili does get his share of fun once in a while, eh?

Austin : Even Phili? That does not suprise me in the least. It was his fault we all ended up in Hell in the first place. [Walks through the corridor, laughing]

Chastity : [Mutters to herself, with a somewhat glazed look] Mustn't ... be ... goaded ... into ... answering. Must ... control ... thoughts. [Looks at Austin] That's better.

Sarasate : [Catching Austin by the shoulder, blocking him] Not so fast, slick. I'm going first, just in case one of you losers causes a problem.

[SARASATE steps into the corridor and a voice booms out.]

Voice : Why do you dare enter Nether City?

Sarsate : I run a theatre group, and we're going to put on a show in the city.

[A few seconds pass, and SARASATE's voice echoes back from the corridor.]

Sarasate : I'm trying to make money in Nether City.

Voice : You may pass.

Clint : [To Mewt] Have you been here before? Do you think you can pass this corridor??

Mewt : [Irritatingly low, so really only Clint can hear it properly] I wasn't here before, but I know if I'm with you I can get through.

Chastity : [Has a look of almost meditation, broken by glances at Austin by her side] Who's up next?

Sky : I'll go.

[Walks into the corridor.]

Voice : Why do you dare enter Nether City?

Sky : I'm part of the theatre group.

[A few seconds pass, and SKY's voice echoes back from the corridor.]

Sky : I want to sleep with as many women as possible.

Voice : You may pass.

Sky : [Points at the wall] Click-click! [Walks on]

Clint : [To Austin and Chastity] Now, who will go next? I'm worried about you sist, with your Phili loving thoughts. Can't say the Lawyer's thoughts worry me, though.

Alice : I'm worried that he might be [emphasises] too evil!

Harvey : Well, the trick seems to be to focus on one thought. Can we do that troop?

Austin : [To Clint] I'll go. [Steps into the corridor] [AUSTIN steps into the corridor and a voice booms out.]

Voice : Why do you dare enter Nether City?

Austin : To become the most sexy actor Hell, backed up by my fellow actors, of course. [A few seconds pass, and AUSTIN's voice echoes back from the corridor.]

Austin : I'm going to set up a huge bondage orgy, tying up and torturing slaves, doing all sorts of digusting things to them.

Voice : Hey! You're my kinda a guy. You may pass, and enjoy your visit to Nether City.

[AUSTIN walks on.]

Clint : [To Chastity] Ah! Can you beat that, sis?

Chastity : [To Clint] The same end result will do us all fine. [Breathes deeply and steps into the corridor,]

Voice : What is the average land speed of an Elephant?

Chastity : [Looks surprised for a moment, before composing herself] Would that be an African or an Indian Elephant?

Harvey : We're right behind you dear sister!

[There is a moment's silence, before the voice thunders out angrily.]

Voice : Gah! I don't know! You evil, conniving bitch. [Dead calm again] You may pass.

Austin : [Chuckling. To Chastity] Ha ! Sister, we will have to do this again sometime. [Looks at the corridor] Could not have said it better myself. [Looks pleased]

Chastity : [Pulls out an unused part of her white towel and mops her brow, looking down the corridor. To Austin] You'll never know, Lawyer!

Austin : [To Chastity] It is enough to know that I fuel your hatred. [Smirks] Perhaps I was created by Phili to test your resolve. [Pauses, then looks Chastity in the eye] Or perhaps Phili pays me to taunt you.

Helga : I'll go next.

[HELGA steps into the corridor and a voice booms out.]

Voice : Why do you dare enter Nether City?

Helga : To kill.

[A few seconds pass, and HELGA's voice echoes back from the corridor.]

Helga : To kill.

Voice : You may pass.

Clint : Ok, here I, errrrrr, I mean, we, go. [Walks over to the corridor]

Chastity : [To Austin] Don't flatter yourself, you're just a minor irritation at times that catches the attention, like an itchy bottom! Now shhhh. [Turns to see how Clint and Mewt get on]

Voice : Why do you dare enter Nether City?

Clint : To score with all the daemonselles I can find, of course. The little one here is part of my flirting plan.

Mewt : I just want to be with Clint.

[There is the usual delay, before CLINT's voice is echoed back.]

Clint : Man, I'd really like to take a close look at Chastity's naked behind.

[MEWT's voice is also echoed back.]

Mewt : I want to torture and kill as many damned souls as possible once we get to Nether City.

Voice : You may pass.

[The two stroll on, leaving ALICE, HARVEY and FAETAN on the other side.]

Chastity : [Looks between Clint and Mewt several times, not knowing who to stop at. Eventually, to Clint] Well done, I think. [To Mewt] We are full of suprises, aren't we?

Clint : [To Mewt] Alright, gimme five! [Looks briefly at Chastity, then back to Mewt] Hum, I think you're in trouble, young one.

Austin : [To Chastity] Well you made it through too, Chassers. Probably all that talk about your bottom that did it.

Mewt : [Gives a big smile at Chastity] I like playing let's pretend! [Turns to Clint] Not when you're here with me, I'm not.

Alice : This is really easy! Me next!

[ALICE skips into the centre.]

Voice : Why do you dare enter Nether City?

Alice : Um - I .. uh, hmm. I don't know...

[A few seconds pass, and ALICE's voice echoes back from the corridor.]

Alice : Oh no! My mind's gone blank! What was I going to say again? What are those people doing looking at me? Hey - that old guy looks familiar. Does this dress squeeze my boobs together too much? Oh look, I do have five fingers on that hand, one was just hidden behind that big one. Now those knickers are starting to ride up again, I knew I should have left them off, and isn't it funny how you have to be careful when you write Clint, as it could very easily look like Dint?

Voice : Go on, pass! Just get out of here!

Alice : [Speaking] Yay! [Walks passed]

[After a few seconds, ALICE's voice echoes back once again.]

Alice : That was really easy, now, which way am I supposed to go? Is it forwards or backwards? Actually, it's hardly backwards, because if it was, then I'd probably fall over and get stabbed in the back, although, if I fell backwards, probably not in the back, but it wouldn't be a very safe thing to do and did I take that pot off the boil in Harvey's house before we left six months ago? I hope so, because it would be awful if it burned down and isn't fork a funny word?

Voice : [Shouting] Get her out of here!

Alice : [Now on the other side] That thing wasn't really good at all, was it?

Harvey : [Clapping] Well done dear niece, knew you had it in you! [Steps forward] Right troop, my turn!

Voice : Niece? [Exasperated sigh] I hope she didn't get it from his side of the family. [Back to normal] Why do you dare enter Nether City?

Harvey : [Tuts] Why, to get the troop out of this infernal hell, of course! [Throws his eyes to heaven]

[Again, after a short pause, HARVEY's voice is echoed back.]

Harvey : Gah! Did I really just say that, or think that?

Voice : You may pass.

[HARVEY joins the others.]

Alice : Yay! I knew you'd do it, Uncle. Just like me, pretending to be thinking something you really weren't. [Gives Harvey a huge, deliberate wink.]

Chastity : [Looking down the corridor at Faetan. To the group] Let's not celebrate yet, everyone. We are most definately not in the clear yet!

Alice : [Looking down the corridor at the scowling Faetan] You mean, she might follow us?

[FAETAN storms into the corridor.]

Voice : Why do you dare to try and enter Nether City?

Faetan : [Pointing at Alice] To kick her ass!

[A few seconds pass, and the party hear the now-familiar echo.]

Faetan : To kick her ass!

Voice : You may pass.

Alice : [Dismayed] Hey!

Clint : I knew she would pass, she's definitely nastier than all of us. [Glances quicly to Austin] Or most of us, anyway.

Alice : [Smiling sweetly at Faetan] See how I got you all riled up so you'd get through?

[FAETAN doesn't answer, and just grumbles something under her breath.]

Reply_To: Conor Ryan

Sarasate : [Pointing ahead to a large, wooden door] Are we ready?

Clint : [To Helga and Sky] What are your plans once you get inside the Nether City, anyway? I mean, there must be a reason for you to be in here, other than to kill and to sleep with women. [Thinks for a moment] Although that sounds like two very good reasons for me.

Faetan : [Shakes her head] No talking till we're inside, I don't think we're out of the woods yet.

Alice : [Lowly to Faetan] That's not a woods, it was a corridor.

Sarasate : No, you're safe enough here. [Pause] What do you mean? What's their plan?

Helga : I want to kill. I mean, I wanna, I wanna kill. Kill. I wanna, I wanna see, I wanna see blood and gore and guts and veins in my teeth. Eat dead burnt bodies. I mean kill, Kill, KILL, KILL.

[A short, awkward silence descends.]

Faetan : Hmmm... I'm not big on the veins, personally, but at least she likes her meat cooked. Let's go see this city now. Lsat from Eve #Re:40

Clint : [To Mewt] Seems you're not the only one looking for a blood bath, right little one?

Chastity : As much I advocate a wholesale bloodbath in a major city in Hell, under the banner of Phili's merciful love, isn't it a bit counterproductive to our main objective. Wouldn't we be better no drawing attention to ourselves until we are at least set up?

Austin : Phili's merciful love? [To the others] I think we are loosing her again.

Chastity : Some of us just seem to need reminded that we must remain focused on our main objectives, and not be distracted by the sinful urges of temptation. [To Clint] Either of them! [To Saracate] Do you know your way around the city?

Austin : [Has a look around] You know, I really don't see where the short skirted Scots men are hiding.

Faetan : Normally I would be disappointed in not seeing them, but c'mon...this is hell. I doubt any Scotsman they find for the job will have any visual appeal, especially in a short skirt.

Austin : [To Faetan] Certainly not as visually appealing as yourself, good lady. [Does a very small bow]. The only visually plesant Scotsman I have ever seen turned out to be an American. You can imagine my dissapointment.

Sarasate : You'll soon get to see - this is hell, remember. [Opens the door.]

[Outside the door is a bustling street, absolutely jammed with people. Many of them are fighting amongst each other, and there is a disturbing amount of nudity and public sex going on, amidst the rivers of urine, blood and vomit that wash down the middle of the street.]

Alice : Yay! It's just like being back in Limerick!

Clint : [Enjoying the smell emanating from the street] Ah, reminds me of my childhood.

Faetan : Well ick. [Smiles faintly at Austin, sidles over to whisper] Don't tell anyone else, but...I shouldn't have punched you. I'll turn the other direction next time I spew. Not that...I do it on a regular basis. Or anything. [Jams hands into pockets and looks around]

Alice : [Wiping a tear from her eye] That's all so beautiful, Fae. [Hugs Faetan, pinning her arms to her sides, and holds her there.]

Faetan : [Suddenly flustered] Ah, erm, well...LOOK, clowns! I *knew* they were demon spawn!

Alice : [Hugs all the tighter] I knew that under that outrageously harsh exterior you were just a pussy cat. [Finally lets Faetan go, and steps back with a smile that's a peculiar mix of innocence and evil]

Clint : Girls, please. You bring tears to my eyes.

Faetan : [Snarls and sulks...then clubs some hapless bystander with her fist] NOT a pussycat...rassumfraggin'...

Austin : [To Faetan] Don't let them wind you up. We have a play to perform. [Gets out his whip]

Faetan : Er... [Stares at whip for a moment] What's that for? [The bystander cries out in a mix of pain and surprise, before punching FAETAN back.]

Harvey : Gah! Control yourself, woman!

Austin : [To Faetan, in a posh voice] This, Fae, is my weapon of preference. I, not having the bulk of Clint or Alice, prefer a more agile and versatile melee weapon, compared to the sword. [Smirks. Normal voice] As I only have one arm, I am unable to use my slingshot at any speed.

Faetan : [Visibly winces, but pretends nothing happened as she nods, following Austin's words] That makes sense, then...

Alice : Plus, his wrist is so tired from all the exercise it gets, and, adding that to his failing eyesight, he really needs a close range weapon.

Austin : [To Faetan] I have had a lot of practice with the whip. [Looks at Alice] Mostly flogging a King Horseykins the III to death, slowly, between fits of laughter.

Alice : Aw, how nice, you have a name for your little pee-pee. Why did you use the third? Because that's the size of it in relation to a normal man's, no doubt.

Austin : [To Alice] No, I was refering to your horse.

Alice : Why? So you could pretend that you were involved in his untimely demise, and thus rile me? I know that's not true Austin, and I know that the only thing you've ever whipped, or spanked, for that matter, is your monkey.

Faetan : As truly FASCINATING as this argument is, I think we have work to do.

Austin : [To Alice, surprise] Monkey? I have never owned a monkey. You do fantasize about me a lot, it appears You seem to have some very extensive and strange sexual thoughts about me.

Chastity : I agree. Torturing innocent animals is no boasting matter. Lets just get on.

Alice : I've had some extensive and strange thoughts about you alright, Austin, but not sexual. I think you're confusing me with your own twisted little fantasies. I mean, come on, what would Seekmound Fraud think of your fantasy of destroying the favourite belonging I had as a child? Smacks to me of you wishing that it was you who metaphorically ended my childhood, and took my virginity from me. Well, it won't be you who does it, Sleaze.

[Everyone else looks away from ALICE, whistling and pretending not to notice this part of the conversation.]

Alice : Well, if I still had it, you wouldn't be getting it. [Turns to the wide-eyed Harvey, whispering] I am still am, I just don't want the others to know I'm saving myself.

Austin : [Smiling a huge grin, trying not to laugh. Turns away from Alice and looks at the sky/celing] My what a fine day it is today.

Alice : [To Faetan] You'd be surprised at how much more satisfying that was than just punching him.

Faetan : [Blinks, looks at Austin's smile] Satisfying for WHO?

Austin : [To Faetan] Yes, it was most satisfying. I have not had a good one like that for some time. It appears to have been most productive, digging around in King horseykins territory. [Pauses] Riled she was.

Alice : He knows when he's been beaten, he's just too arrogant to admit it.

Alice : If I was riled, I would have continued, Austin.

Faetan : I don't get it...a livid argument, and both come away happy. [Pauses] I still think punching people is more satisfying.

Harvey : There will be no more punching of party members, my girl. You would do well to remember that. We are here to work together.

Clint : [Sitting on the ground, cleaning his nails with his long sword] I'll have to agree with you, Fae. These two [points at Alice and Austin] are just way to boring sometimes.

Faetan : That would do well, of course, if I were actually a member of the party. I'm just along for the ride. [Sits next to Clint and Mewt]

Sarasate : So, if we're quite finished?

[In the background, someone carelessly bumps into HELGA, and receives a rough push in return.]

Austin : [To Faetan] Would you like to be a member of this party? This is a formal offer.

Faetan : [Looks at Austin for a moment] I would like that, yes... But I can't. I need to become one of the Knights, to honor my father and Sven. [Glances away] It's not possible to do both.

Alice : What? Austin, it's a god damned miracle that [points at him] you're still a member! I don't think you're in a position to be making offers like that, and certainly not without consulting the rest of us. Granted, she came to help us, and for that we're all grateful, but ten minutes ago she punched you in the face, and her dealings with us have been characterised by her ill humour, criticism of party members, punching of people, muttering, mumbling and murmuring, not to mention her constant jumping through windows, doors, caves and tunnels without even the slightest concern of what the rest of us are doing, want or think! [Pant, pause for breath.]

Clint : Jeez, chill out Bimbo! [To Sarasate] So, what do you think of the practice so far?

Sarasate : [A little uncomfortable at the crowd that's gathered around watching] It's different, I'll give you that, but I'm a little concerned at the lack big musical numbers, men singing and dancing with umbrellas and well built women doing synchronised swimming. [Puts his hat on the ground so some passers-by can give the group some money.]

Faetan : Kinda hard to do a musical with our pianist all smashed in a cube.

Chastity : [To Faetan] That's a good point, my dear. Having the good Dr. released would be good for group moral, if nothing else. I'm not sure if the middle of a busy street is the best place to perform this feat though.

Faetan: [Scratches her head] I dunno, Sis, if it's flashy enough we might rake in a few dollars. [Glances at Sarasate] Right?

Chastity : Perhaps you're right. I was never very good at fund raising. As I mentioned before, I was in charge of the kitchens. Big slap-up 3 course dinners were always favourite. Everyone loved my cheesy skins, faggots and spotted dick. [Goes all misty eyed] Happy days. [To Sarasate] Anyway, maybe if I put the cube under the hat you could make Jerome appear under it. That should please the crowds!

Faetan : Hmmmm... [Looks introspective] When we get back, I'd like to see the recipe if you don't mind.

Alice : I'm sure Austin can help you out with that.

Sarasate : Okay, I'll keep my part of the bargain, but let's not do it in the middle of the street. If word gets around that someone was smuggled in that way, the street will be red with half naked, sun burnt scotsmen.

Faetan : [Shudders] My lips are sealed. Let's keep going, then. [Stands up]

Austin : [To Sarasate] Sun burnt! Sun burnt? How in Hell do Scots men get sunburnt? [Looks to his backing vocals]

Alice : Something to do with not wearing underpants under their kilts?

Sky : Okay guys, it's been a blast watching you do this, but you should get out of here as soon as possible, and get back to your own reality.

Faetan : Right! [Turns to march off...then turns back] How do we do that, exactly?

Austin : So much for the musical. Where can we get back to our own reality? Someplace quiet [Looks around]

Chastity : [To Faetan] Lets find somewhere to get out Dr. Trindle, [Turns to Alice] and that's not a euphemism for anything, [back to Faetan] before discussing sensitive information like that.

Harvey : Indeed good sir knight, how can I get my troop back to Queens View? Must they find pendants, or is there another way out?

Alice : [Childishly to Faetan] Yeah, we don't want just everyone knowing that we're trying to escape from hell.

[The entire street goes quiet. People stop fighting and cavorting, even the blood/vomit/urine river stops.]

Alice : I mean, that's an example of the kind of information we would just blurt out, if we had it, that is.

[The fighting/cavorting/river start again.]

Sarasate : There's an inn here where we can get a room.

[SARASATE heads across the road to an inn called the Disgusting And Rotten Tavern.]

Harvey : Is there any reason to get a room, if we're getting out of this infernal place as soon as possible?

Sarasate : [Shouting from across the street] Because we don't want the whole city knowing our business! Now, come on. You agreed to put on a show if I got you to the city, and that's what you're going to do.

Faetan : [Wincing] One room, and let's see, how many of us are there... [Counts, and sucks in her breath] Gonna be tight quarters.

Clint : Better than sitting here doing nothing. [Follows Sarasate]

Faetan : [Shrugs] True enough. [Follows as well] [The group push their way into the bar, which is basically the scene of combination of a giant orgy and banquet. SARASATE starts talking to someone at the bar, leaving the party to watch.]

Harvey : By the saints!

Alice : Yeah, just like my twenty first all over again!

Faetan : And now we know how the inn got its name. [Grimaces in disgust, stares elsewhere]

Austin : [Smiling] Ahh! I see that they have started without me. [Looks around] Perhaps this is just the warm up session?

Alice : [Ducking to avoid a squirt of salad cream from someone's baguette] Well, what are you waiting for, Austin? Off you go!

Chastity : [To Alice] As offended by this scene as I am, I must admit that I am curious to see what Austin does with his spare arm! [Points across the room] Oh look. That man seems to have been looking for the grilled locust dip, turned to his lady friend and accidentally...[pauses, wide-eyed] Eurgh that's disgusting! As well as hygienically inadvisable.

Austin : [Looks around to see if there is am bondadge going on] Let me see now.

Alice : [Steps a little closer] Ea-uh! [Slips on something on the floor, and just barely stays standing] Woah!

[There a bunch of leather clad men in one corner, employing whips and paddles with extreme enthusiasm on some other men.]

Austin : [Studies the group] Hmmm, no lookers in that bunch. I wonder if any of the ladies would like to join in? [Looks around for some leather clad ladies] Are any of the leather clad men good looking? [Peers more closely] I wonder if that Smegolas from Lord of thr Rings is here. Can anyone see some leather clad or leopard skin thonged women? [Stands looking around with whip in hand, on hip]

Clint : Off you go, tiger! Just don't ask for help if you run into trouble.

Sarasate : [Coming back from the bar] Okay, let's go upstairs, and make it quick, we're paying for this room by the hour.

Harvey : [Confused] By the hour?

Alice : [Irritated] Yeah, when you hear that you know you're not even going to get dinner. [Looks around at the others] Er, because you'll only be here for a short while, you see.

Austin : [Ponders the scene] I am not so sure. The hygene standards seem to be pretty...hmm... non existent, and I cannot say any single one of them is worth a second glance. Perhaps I will just engage in some whipping. [To Harvey] I request permission to engage in some RNR, Colonel.

Harvey : What? We are in the middle of some kind of .. [gestures at the bondage people] some kind of riot, in hell, seeking a secret place to meet, and you wish to have some rest and recuperation? Gah! Don't be ridiculous, Private. [Follows Sarasate up the stairs.]

Austin : [Follows Harvey upstairs, all the time watching the 'riot'] If not rest and recuperation, how about whip p...weapons training?

Harvey : And who, Private, do you suggest we get to train you? That gentleman currently applying that saddle to his companion's back? The lady with the unfeasibly large candle? Or perhaps that chap there, who is being kicked to death by the bunch of chimps?

Austin : [Suprised at the last suggestion, looking the chimp victim] Is that not David Hattenburgh? I do not think that he is any position to teach anybody anything Colonel. Unless of course some one wants to know how to bleed.

Chastity : Aaah, they're chimps. I mistook them for stooped, overly hairy, street urchins. My mistake. [Goes up the stairs] I'm still shocked by that man and his grilled locust. Imagine still eating it after dropping it on the floor!

Harvey : [To Austin] Exactly my point, Private, exactly!

[The group head into a small bedroom, that has no furniture except a hard wooden bed in the middle.]

Alice : [Picking something off the ground] Yay! Balloons! [Starts blowing one up]

Chastity : [To Alice] That one seems to have already been used to store salad cream for the bagettes, my dear!

Austin : [To Alice] Alice, I do believe that that may not be a balloon, but a prophylactic, and a soiled one at that. [Grimaces as Alice blows it up, and moved to a safe distance incase it pops]

Alice : Hey! [Suddenly realises she can't blow and speak at the same time, so the balloon shoots away from her.]

[The "balloon" swerves all around the room, showering everyone except ALICE in what appears to be salad cream.]

Alice : How about that? I'm the only one who didn't get hit!

[Smack. The balloon hits her in the eye.]

Alice : Ow!

Austin : [Laughs at Alice as he wipes some salad cream off his grubby, badly fitting off the shelf (in oxfam) suit)] Okay, now we get Jerome out yes?

Sarasate : [Wearing a pair of shades and purple felt hat] If you've got the cube, I've got the dude. Word up, bitch.

[There is silence for a few seconds.]

Alice : [Touching her swollen eye] Why are you sounding like a pimp?

Sarasate : I thought it would be a cool look for Nether City. [Slips on some chunky gold jewelry]

Chastity : [Pulling her towel from a pocket] I knew this would come in useful. There is little more suspicious than a nun in a salad cream stained habit. [Finishes dabbing her clothes, occasionally tutting, and then takes the Jerome's glass cube from her pocket and puts it on the floor in the middle of the room. To Saracate] There you go. Release our colleague now, if you will.

Sarasate : [Takes out some white powder from his pocket, and puts it onto the bed] Okay, let's get this ready.

Alice : What are you doing? Making up some special potion?

Sarasate : [Crushing up the powder with his credit card] You could say that. [Snorts up a good deal of the powder] Yeeooow! [Takes out a tiny orb and throws it at the cube, causing a flash of light.]

[When the light clears, JEROME is lying on the ground.]

Chastity : Dr. Trindle. How do you feel? Are you OK?

Jerome : [Shakes his head and looks around] Dearest Sister Chastity, Dr. Jerome K. Trindle, BSc, PhD feels quite well, if a little disoriented, thank you. [Takes her towel] A refreshing wipe of my face will no doubt help. [Rubs his face with it, before giving the towel a dubious look] Hm. Yes. [Looks at Alice] Dearest Alice! What happened? Did someone hit you?

Alice : Er, I had a run in with a particularly sharp cupboard door. [Smiles] It's good to have you back, Jerry.

Faetan : [Wiping her hand on a wall] That IS better. All right, so we need to put on a good musical number. Any suggestions?

Chastity : As we are in Hell, maybe a song about death, torture, judgement and suffering? Hymn 735: "We boil the ears of sinners" from the standard Phili hymn book would seem to would fit the bill.

Alice : Maybe if [emphasises] we are the sinners it wouldn't be such a good idea.

Jerome : Dr. Jerome K. Trindle, BSc, PhD seems to remember the party singing a rather entertaining number recently.

Chastity : No lawyer, I can't just detect certain objects. I have "divine" powers, not "divining". Phili having statues down here is reminder enough that we all answer to his judgement in the end. Just because your god is the twisted bastard child of your own ego and your "almighty G.P." don't doubt the powers of the one true god, Phili. Remember that next time you come squealing to me with your cries of "Heal me, heal me".

Austin : [To Chastity] My god? What the hell are you talking about, you mad old bat? My almighty G.P.? What has my doctor got to do ... [Laughs and shakes his head at Chastity, turns away chuckling] nuts, crazy as a nun in a convent.

Alice : Interesting, Chastity, how when Austin realises he's lost an argument, he turns away, pretending he finds the whole thing amusing, isn't it?

Austin : [To Chastity] Oh well, at least you are not the only mad person around here [Looks at Alice. To Chastity] The fact that you will only heal those who you judge to be worthy shows that you are corrupt and bigoted. [Smiles at Chastity, awaiting some witty comeback]

Jerome : Hm. Yes. A lawyer describing someone else to be corrupt and bigoted. Hm. Dr. Jerome K. Trindle, BSc, PhD finds this very ironic, yet time wasting.

Chastity : [Ignores Austin. To Alice] At least he's found something to distract him from the fact that his favourite appendage is detached from his torso and slowly rotting in his clothes. [To Sky and Helga] You're probably right. Best we find out as much about the city as we can for the moment. We'll see what information can be had from this whole show business.

Austin : [To Jerome] Well, it takes one to know one, and I have had a great deal of practice. One must fully understand the intricate workings of bigotry and it's impact on human emotions, to use it to it's greatest potential in the court room. [Pauses, to all] So we have steeled on a plan. We go along with Sarasate for the mean while then, as soon as we find a Phili altar we go home.

Alice : [To Helga] Why are you in hell? I guess you came in voluntarily.

Helga : [Growls in a manner that Faetan would be proud of] That's classified. I'm on a highly secret mission, the object of which is known only by a handful of top people.

Alice : [To Helga] You mean, to find the ultimate weapon?

Helga : [Furious] What?

[HELGA looks over at SKY does a "calm down gesture" with his hands.]

Helga : [Dead calm] I mean, no.

Clint : That's great, because we're looking for it too. Are you Knights? You know, you should really trust us. Apart from the fact of some members wasting our time with discussions going nowhere [quick glance at Austin, Alice and Chastity], we're a great bunch of people and we're on a mission to save the world. Or so I've been told.

Alice : Well, some of us are a great bunch of people.

Sky : But of course we're Knights, that's why I was able to get the talismans for Harvey. I knew right away when we met you back in the bar that you, [gives a strange smile to Faetan] or at least, most of you were. When you've been a Knight for a while, you can sense these things.

Alice : You mean like gaydar?

Sky : Not exactly.

Chastity : As much as I like the new spirit of camaraderie welling within the group, [glances at Austin] well at least most of it, [To Sky and Helga] hadn't you two better be going before Saracate comes back and starts being awkward.

Helga : If he gets awkward, I'll kill him.

Sky : [Gives a little laugh] Easy tiger. [Turns to Chastity] Sister, you are even more wise than the Colonel described you. [Takes her hand, but looks to Alice] And you, Alice, are even more beautiful than the Colonel described you. [Glances to Austin and Clint] And you, [gives a big smile] you look after this crowd, you hear?

Austin : [Looks at Clint. To Clint] He is a great improvement on Peter Deadpan, is he not?

Sky : [Straightens up, and claps his hand to his chest, apparantly genuinely touched] Do you really think so? Aw, you guys!

Helga : Pah! Sven gets Peter Deadpan, the greatest partner a man could wish for, and I get this. [Nods dismissively at Sky] He's not fit to clean Peter's boots.

Sky : [Shrugging] What can I say? That suede* is a nightmare to shampoo.

Clint : [To Austin] I'm not sure about the improvement part anymore. [To Helga] Do you have any news from Sven?

Helga : He's dead. We haven't really spoken that much since it happened. [Draws her sword, and feels the tip with a glint in her eye] But, when I find out who's responsible, they're going to suffer.

Austin : [To Helga] Ohh, it was Dangsten and his bum-chums who killed Sven. [Walks to the door to listen for Sarasate or other noises, standing aside to the door] So I take it that we are going to wait for him and perform our play? Could we not just find a guide to take us to a statue of Phili?

Alice : A guide? This isn't two weeks on a cruise, Austin! We can't just pay one of the locals to pull us around in a rickshaw while carrying all our hair care products on his head. This is hell, this people would kill you as soon as look at you.

Sky : It mightn't be such a bad idea, if you can find a reliable guide, but that may be difficult. In the meantime, [takes out a small orb] this is what you'll need to open the gate. Just throw it at the head of the statue, and a gate will open up. Be warned though, it will only stay open for a few seconds, but it will deposit you in a Knight's Santuary, where you will be safe.

Alice : I'll look after that. [Takes the orb, and promptly drops it, causing it to smash to pieces on the ground.] Oh.

Clint : [To Alice] That's just great Bimbo, just what we needed. You know damn well you can't handle balls. [To Sky] You wouldn't happen to have a spare one?

Alice : You're giving out to me about not being able to handle them?

Sky : Relax folks, that was just a dummy.

Alice : [Outraged] Hey!

Sky : No, the ball was - just in case something like that happened. I wanted to test whoever was going to hold it. [Takes out another one, slightly larger this time] This is the real one.

Alice : [Reaching out] Okay, I'll look after that.

[SKY closes his hand, pulling it out of her reach, and just smiles at her.]

Austin : [To Alice] Opps, butter fingers. [To Clint] I thought Celia gave you one during your amorous and passionate farewell kiss. [Muses] That truly was a romantic moment, in the heat of battle. We could re-enact it as part of the play.

Alice : [To Austin] Guess what part you'll be playing.

Austin : [To Alice] It probably has not occured to you that I would probably best play the part of Austin.

Alice : Which part?

Austin : [Smiles] The best part.

Alice : So, it's a small part, then?

Sky : Yes, well, we had better be going. Hopefully if we don't see you back here this evening at six, it will mean you have returned to your proper reality.

[HELGA and SKY go for the door.]

Chastity : I've got the orb from Celia, safely wrapped up in some slightly saliva penetrated towelling.

Sky : [Standing at the door, still holding the orb] Another orb, sister? Is it like this? [Opens his hand, to show her the orb, it is the same size as Chastity's one.]

Chastity : [Pulls out a grubby piece of once white towel, opening it carefully to reveal the orb, taking care to stay out of Alice's grasp] Pretty similar, I think.

Sky : Well now, Chastity, where did you get that from?

Clint : We're knights, remember? Where did you get yours from?

Sky : We're knights, remember? We brought ours into hell with us. I'm pretty sure you didn't bring yours down with you.

Clint : You seem pretty sure of a lot of things, Sky. But in answer to your question, I got it with a kiss. Guess I'm a lucky guy after all. What about you, who gave you the orb and why are you so confident that you don't need it?

Sky : [Smiles and points at Clint, making an irritating "click-click" noise] I'm a pretty sure kind of guy, Clint. My controller gave me the orb, I was going to give it to you because myself and the good Colonel met just after he heard about your fate. We have another orb to get ourselves out of here.

Alice : How about that, Clint? A man with two orbs.

Chastity : [Carefully putting the orb away again] And your controller didn't mention anything about other knights being down here in Hell? And come to mention it, who is your controller?

Sky : [Another big grin] Well Sister, the Knights are a secretive bunch.

Alice : Who told you that?

Sky : It's a secret. As is who my controller is. He probably didn't know there were other Knights here - the first I heard of it was when I met Harvey.

Harvey : [Nods] That's true, you seemed quite surprised when I told you, if I remember correctly. The person who gave private Scar the orb was called Celia, a very brave and courageous woman, who probably risked her life to help us.

Austin : nother loose end. I wonder where Celia got the orb from?

Sky : [With a big grin] Maybe a handsome knight gave it to her, know what I mean?

Alice : Did you give it to her?

Sky : Er, no. I don't know who she is. The fact that she had one suggests that either she's a knight, stole it from one or had it given to her.

Alice : Maybe she found it?

Sky : Hierophantic Knights don't just leave orbs lying around, you know!

[Everyone's attention is drawn to the smashed orb on the ground.]

Clint : [To Mewt] Do you know anything about Celia that you might tell us? [MEWT says nothing, and just shakes her head.]

Helga : [Exasperated sigh of exhaustion] Can we go now?

Chastity : [Looks at Helga fingering the hilt of her sword and moving impatiently from one foot to the other] I think that would be best. But remember, don't draw too much attention to yourselves, for example , [Looks directly at Helga] by running amock in a busy street hacking bystanders to litle pieces. We'll see you both back here this evening. god/Phili

Chastity : Aah, praise Phili. Seek and thou shalt find. [To the group] Shall we join the man outside? [Heads towards the door, pausing before actually getting to it]

Helga : If enough bystanders are hacked to death, there'll be no witnesses.

[Exit HELGA and SVEN.]

Alice : What now? How are we supposed to find a statue? It could be anywhere? We've no hope of finding it.

[From outside in the street, a man's calls out.]

Man : Roll up, roll up! See the last remaining statue of Phili in Nether City!

Austin : [Looking alarmed] The last remaining statue! We had better hurry. [Goes to the door and opens it, and looks out] Come on!

Clint : For once, the Lawyer's rush seems appropriate. Let's all go!

Alice : [Sits on a clean part of the bed, and stretches] Well, I for one am going to take my time going down. We've been rushing around for ages, [stretches lazily and shuts her eyes] what I need is a good ten minutes relaxation and then [opens her eyes to see that everyone else is gone] hey!

[Exit ALICE, running after the others.]

[Book III, Act I, Scene VIII. A street in Nether City. HARVEY, AUSTIN, CLINT, MEWT, FAETAN, JEROME and CHASTITY are here, having just come out of the hotel. There is a large crowd around, and in the middle of the street is a man with a carriage, being pulled by a bunch of bedraggled slaves. On the carriage is what appears to be a small tent, and the man, TJ SNUIZE, is standing outside it, bellowing into his microphone, almost deafening those in the crowd unfortunate enough to be standing near the speakers.]

TJ : [Clearly with the crowd in the palm of his hand] The statue [emphasises] they didn't want you to see. The act [emphasises] they didn't want you to perform. [Points to himself] The man [emphasises] they tried to silence.

[Enter ALICE, panting and puffing, having run down the stairs.]

Chastity : [To Alice] Come along, dear. We don't want to miss the carriage.

Austin : [To TJ] How much is the tour? [Examines his nails, and grimaces]

TJ : How much is the tour? How much? The question, my friend, is not how much the tour will cost you, but how much the tour will give you!

Clint : [Raising his arm to speak] How much will the tour give me?

TJ : [Puts his hands on his hips and laughs loudly] I like you, sir! Straight to the point. Putting it simply, this is the most electrifying, stupefying, petrifying, unimaginable, incredible, inexpressible, unutterable experience you could ever have the good fortune to come to witness. You [points at Clint] yes you, sir! You will have the opportunity to spit, yes, [crowd gives a cheer] I say, spit! Spit in the face of the last statue of Phili in hell!

Clint : Can I throw or... stones at it as well? Put Phili to shame! [Quick glance at Chastity]

Chastity : [Growls disapprovingly to Clint, glaring] Don't feel you have to! [Turns to Austin] That counts especially for you.

TJ : Whoo! [Runs up and down his carriage, shouting, whipping the crowd into a frenzy at the other end, before back flipping towards Clint] I like the cut of your gib, fella! You can do whatever you want - for all I care, you can urinate, defacate, masturbate -

Alice : [Murmuring out of the side of her mouth to Chastity] Better keep an eye on Austin!

TJ : [Still continuing, now rubbing his crotch] Gyrate, pulsate, mesntruate and even [points at Chastity] lactate! [Puts on a serious face] Just don't try to placate, whoo! Once you give me the entry fee, it's all up to you.

Chastity : [Through a gritted teeth smile] How much is the entry fee?

TJ : [Slides across the carriage on his knees, right up to where Chastity is standing] You know, money means nothing to me, but I am a fan of trinketry and all kinds of bijoutry. If you've got something interesting, something fine, something [whispers, so the crowd visibly leans in to hear him] magical, [back to his normal voice] then you can get to see it.

Austin : [To TJ] I expect you want to be payed before we begin the tour?

TJ : [Laughs at Austin] But, of course!

Austin : [To TJ, loudly, so that the crowd can hear clearly] And what guarantees do you, the vendor, give us [Gestures towards the party] potential customers, that you, the vendor, will take us to the statue of Phili in a satisfactory and informative manner, akin, or better than that of a and average tour?

TJ : [Points at Austin with both index fingers] Nothing!

Clint : What could we possibly give you, a man of such wealth? [Looks momentarily at Austin] Body parts?

TJ : [Bellows with laughter again, but suddenly stops, and looks at Clint seriously] What kind of body parts?

Austin : [Whispers to TJ] Alice is a pretty kinky kind of gal, if you know what I mean [Nods towards Alice] Payment enough, I'm sure.

Alice : [Slaps Austin across the face] Hey! You shut your mouth!

Harvey : [To Austin] By the saints, private! This had better be part of some master plan, I don't want my virginal niece exposed to anything!

TJ : [Sizes up Alice] Hm, nice, but I'm more of a gadget man myself. Now, unless you've got something magical, stop wasting my time.

Austin : [Whispers to Alice] He told me that he thought that you are hot stuff. [To TJ] And all you offer in return is the promise of a confidence trickster?

Chastity : [Quietly to Clint] Don't you have something magical that can be used? It seems a bit counter-productive to give away the the item in my care just to find where to use it.

Austin : [Whispering to Chastity, keeping his eyes on TJ] What does CLint have? T.J. : [To Austin] Fuck off and stop wasting my time. [Goes to another group of people] This is the most electrifying, stupefying, petrifying, unimaginable, incredible, inexpressible, unutterable experience you could ever have the good fortune to come to witness. You [points at points at someone in the crowd] yes you, sir! You will have the opportunity to spit, yes, [crowd gives a cheer] I say, spit! Spit in the face of the last statue of Phili in hell!

Alice : [To Chastity] Surely the only one with something magical is you, Chastity? Didn't you take his orb?

Austin : [To Chastity] Alice is almost correct. Harvey has a Talisman, and you have the orb. [In a speaking to old lady manner] Alice dropped the other orb, remember?

Alice : No!

Harvey : Private Sleaze is correct, I believe. We have two items, one of which will be required to get out of here. The other, well, [clutches his shirt, showing the outline of his talisman as he does so.]

Alice : If only Faetan hadn't lost hers.

Faetan : I didn't lose it. It was taken.

Chastity : If we can be sure of the use of Sky's orb then we can give away this one, but we'll have to explain what is magic about the orb, and that may raise even more difficult questions our way. [To Harvey] I'm afraid it may have to be your talisman, Colonel. Just explain that it saves tour operators from harm from dissatisfied customers. I'm sure he'll jump at it.

Harvey : [To the others] Well troop, in the absence of other suggestions, I'm prepared to give this up. We can't give away the orb, because once we see the statue we'll have to use it immediately.

Faetan : [Shakes her head] I don't like it...isn't there anything YOU'VE got, Jerome, that could be used instead? Even if it's not magical!

Jerome : Dr. Jerome K. Trindle, BSc, PhD would like to take this opportunity to point out that he is in hell because he is dead, and therefore does not have access to the array of equipment that he enjoyed while alive. Jerome believes that the use of Harvey's pendant, plus a watchful party, alert to the possibilities of fraud, is the best course of action.

Faetan : [Still frowning] Chastity, can you tell if this is a real statue of Phili, and not some sort of hoax? We don't want to lose a talisman if it's the latter.

Chastity : No dear, I'm afraid not. All my divine divining powers were left behind in the mortal realm.

[A demon, JOE PUBLIC, seems to have struck a deal with TJ SNUIZE, who helps him onto the carriage.]

TJ : My friends, we have our first customer, [holds up small jar] and his gift to me, some magical face cream, that makes you look like anyone you want for a short period of time.

[The crowd give a cheer.]

TJ : [Hushing them with his hand] But, seeing as how Joe here is the first customer today, I'm going to give it back to him, and let him see it for free! [The crowd give another huge cheer, and JOE holds his arms aloft as though he's won a competition, before TJ ushers him into the tent.]

Faetan : [Growls] Let's jump him when he comes out and steal his jar. Heh heh heh...

Chastity : Oh dear. Remember what I said about trying to keep a low profile, Faetan? Attacking someone in a crowded street is hardly likely to go unnoticed, is it?

Faetan : Yeah, but, this is HELL. That sort of thing should be happening on a regular basis!

Harvey : [Turns to Faetan] That is indeed true, private, but we don't know that demons strengths or weaknesses. The others in the crowd might very well be his friends or family! I simply cannot risk everyone in the troop in a fight with the hordes of hell, only feet away from the statue. As I said, I'm willing to give up my pendant, as I'm sure I won't need it for much longer.

Faetan : But if it's NOT a genuine Phili statue, you're in deep, Harv. And then everyone will rag on you and say that you lost it, even though that wasn't the case. [Glares pointedly at Alice]

Clint : Oh great, here we go again...

Alice : [A little surprised at Faetan] What do you mean, he'll be in deep Harv? That doesn't make any sense at all!

[The door of the tent is swung open, and JOE PUBLIC steps out.]

Joe : Yay! [Applauds for himself]

TJ : Tell me, friend, [puts his arm around Joe] wasn't that the greatest, most gratifying, delectifying, satisfying, treatifying, sunshinifying experience of your miserable life?

Joe : Uh-huh! It sure was. [Looks TJ up and down] Hey! Are you wearing high heels?

Clint : [To all, pointing at Joe] Is he on drugs or what? [To Joe, screaming to be heard over the crowd] Hey you!, so how was the statue?

Joe : [Zipping up his pants] It was great! Well worth the entry price!

Faetan : [Frowning, to the others] It's not the real thing. Those two are in cahoots, I'd bet my left arm. Save your pendant for something else, Harvey, there has to be a REAL statue around here somewhere.

TJ : [Turning back to the crowd] Who's next? Who wants to embrace this opportunity? Who wants relieve themselves of their [smiles] frustration?

Faetan : It's up to you, but I'm strongly against it. That guy gives me the creeps.

Clint : [Whispering to the others] How about we knock down the tent? If there really is a statue of Phili inside we should see it, and Chastity can throw the orb at it and send us all home.

Chastity : As much as I don't trust anyone in hell, can we afford not to see if this is the last statue of Phili down here?

Faetan : I'm with Clint...it's not worth risking a talisman over. Who's gonna knock the tent over?

Jerome : Notice how the tent is kept aloft by those ropes tied to the corners of the carriage, the ones that Mr. Snuize keeps back flipping over? Perhaps we could employ them.

Alice : You mean, take down the ropes, tie every one up and then go in?

Jerome : Actually, Jerome was going to suggest simply untying them and pulling the tent down, but yours is a worthy suggestion too.

Chastity : Ok, whose the best at untying knots. The obvious choice would have been Austin, but he's lost an arm since then, so he's out. One person could sneak round and untie or even cut the ropes, while the rest of us make a diversion on the other side of the carriage. [To Faetan] I think you'd be ideal in that starting up that role, my dear.

Faetan : Heh heh heh... [Punches fist into hand] Just leave it to me, I'll divert 'em all right!

Chastity : Erm, I should have added "without getting us all killed in a general melee". We will need to be able to stop at a moments notice and jump through the portal, should this indeed be a statue of Phili. I thought causing a diversion between ourselves. The rest of the crowd are too unpredictable. [Looks at Faetan, rubbing hands and forming fists] Well, less unpredictable.

Clint : Then I suggest Chastity undoing the knots, seeing as she is the best person at doing malicious things but still looking innocent, and besides she is too big [quick look at Chastity's tummy], or shall I say ever bigger than usual, to run away if the crowd gets too agitated.

Faetan : [Disappointed] No fighting...? Then what KIND of diversion did you have in mind?

Chastity : [To Faetan] How about exchanging backhanded comments loudly to each other and generally bickering. I think this group should manage that. [To Clint] Do you have some kind of knife as backup. I may have a little difficulty untying the knots with my swollen fingers. The inconvenient ravages pregnancy puts on the body!

Alice : Surely as long as we stay near the carriage we should be okay? Assuming, of course, that there actually is a statue there.

Alice : What do you mean by backhanded comments? Something like : "It's just as well we didn't give Clint the orb to mind, seeing as how careless he was with his own", type thing?

Faetan : [Shoulders slumping] Yeah, but... Oh fine. But I get to beat on *someone* when we get back.

Alice : Or maybe, "I really like your shoes Fae, I wonder if you can get them in a ladies size"?

Chastity : [Doing calm done hand movements] Not yet dear, not yet.

Alice : [Really enjoying herself] Or even how Austin's missing arm doesn't make him seem quite so imbalanced when he stands beside Clint? [Giggles to herself] Or how it's great that Alice didn't have to revert to her real hair colour in hell, as that would be a punishment for all of us! [Face drops in dismay] Hey!

Harvey : [Giving Chastity a small knife] There you are Sister, perhaps someone should come with you, to help throw the flap over.

Faetan : I'll do it. More entertaining when Austin and Alice bicker anyhow.

Chastity : [Taking the knife from Harvey. To Faetan] Ok, then. [To Alice] You may continue, my dear. [Slowly steps away from Alice towards the carriage in anticipation of her "diversion"]

Harvey : Off you go, private.

[The crowd has grown much larger now, so it is about five or six people deep around the carriage, although CHASTITY and FAETAN will still be able to get around to the back. There is a bit of jostling going on behind the party, but nothing too serious.]

Austin : [To Faetan] Kettle, pot, the, black, calling?

Faetan : [Grins at Austin] Enjoy. [Jogs off to help Chastity]

Alice : [Sighs in exasperation] Austin, if you can't even put the words in the right order, what's the point in doing this?

Austin : [To Alice] Oh, sorry Alice, next time I shall employ much more easily comprehensible sarcasm.

Alice : You sir, make the error of assuming that people wish to understand you.

[CHASTITY and FAETAN have now reached the first rope.]

Austin : [To Alice] And you assume that I care what the proleteriat think of me, in their nasty ignorant little minds.

Alice : Better than being someone who is little more than a prole themselves, with ideas above their station.

Austin : Yes, well my dear you would know all about that. [Reddies a knife under his jacket, incase theer is any action]

Clint : [Quietly, to Mewt] They're great actors, aren't they? It almost sounds as if they hate each other's guts!

Alice : Oh, indeed I do Austin. Daddy warned me about how people like that always try and pretend to be more than they really are, and now that I've spent time amongst people who are third generation Waterdeep country club members, well, I know how right he is.

Mewt : [Looking up at Clint, with her bright, innocent eyes] It seems to be like there's quite a lot of unresolved sexual tension between them.

Harvey : [Hisses to Faetan and Chastity] Now!

Austin : Exactly my dear. I am glad you understand something.

Alice : Oh yes, I do understand you Austin. [Smiles] Dear.

Clint : [To Mewt] I know exactly what you mean!

Austin : [Side steps] Well there is a first time for everything.

Alice : That suggests there will be a first time for you to actually be civil to party members, which I find highly unlikely.

[FAETAN cuts the first rope, but the tent doesn't collapse, as it clearly has some kind of frame underneath. It is flapping a little, but not enough to draw attention to it. CHASTITY and FAETAN move towards the next rope.]

Austin : [To Alice] Just doing my duty. Can you image how much trouble we would be in if we were wearing shining suits of armor, with 'Crusaders for Phili' written on them.

Chastity : [Whispering to Faetan] We'd best not beat around the bush. I don't know how long they can keep this up. [pauses very briefly for thought] Maybe only two or three days! [Continues sidling over to the next rope. Still whispering] you cut this one again, I'll try and block peoples view.

Alice : I suppose if it rained, then we'd be in trouble. [Suddenly looks startled] Oh no! An eclipse!

Harvey : It's okay, niece - it's just the good Sister Chastity obstructing the view.

[FAETAN cuts the other rope, so the whole back of the tent is now free.]

Austin : [To Alice] I get the distinct impression that that Joe Public had sexual intercourse with whatever is in the tent.

Alice : Is your mind always in the gutter?

Chastity : [To Faetan] One more for good measure [Continues to edge round the carriage looking to see if anyone is watching them, and also taking quick glances to see if she can see into the tent] [There is definitely some kind of statue in there, but they can't see the top half of it.]

Faetan : Okay, Sis, let's get this one.

[They get to the third one, and start to cut through it.]

Alice : They better hurry - that flap is blowing around more than Clint's shirt tail after he's had a particularly strong curry!

Chastity : [Looks round to see where the group is in relation to TJ, herself, and Faetan, whilst putting one hand in her pocket to ready the orb. Hissing to Faetan] Come on, before they notice.

Austin : [To Alice] So what did happen to King Horseykins the 3rd, and what happened to the 2nd and 1st?

Alice : Actually, that's quite an interesting story -

[ALICE is interrupted by FAETAN and CHASTITY pulling the canvas up over the frame of the tent. A particularly well timed gust of wind helps them pull it all the way over, and over on top of TJ and JOE. Beneath is a large statue of PHILI, with some kind of liquid draining down it.]

Alice : Hey look, does this mean we should give him Harvey's talisman after all?

Clint : No, it means that that guy [points at the tent-covered mess that is TJ and Joe] is a wanker after all. [To Chastity] Quickly Sist, the orb! [Moves as close to the tent as possible]

Austin : [To Alice] Come on Alice [Austin climbs up to the statue and helps Alice and Chastity up] Is this a real statue of Phili?

Chastity : [Now on the other side of the carriage] Yes! [Throws her orb, which, when it strikes the statue, causes a large shimmering circle to appear.]

[The crowd step back and gasp in amazement.]

TJ : [From under the canvas] Hey! What's happenning?

[AUSTIN climbs up on the carriage, but, when he turns to help ALICE, sees MURIEL, DANA, CHARLES and DR. HART in the crowd. MURIEL stabs CLINT with her sword.]

Muriel : You bastard! We could have been happy! Happy!

Clint : You bitch! You'll always be sad! Sad! [Keeps going for the statue, trying to protect Mewt from Dana]

Austin : [To Clint and the party] Run for it! [Austin helps Harvey up onto the cart. Then Shouts at the top of his voice] Muriel, in the bloody white dress, has the Ultimate Weapon under her dress! [Points at Muriel]

[FAETAN and CHASTITY, the latter with some difficulty, get onto the carriage, while ALICE pulls herself up with AUSTIN's help, before turning to the melee, arrow drawn.]

Faetan : [Unable to see the fracas, and trying to climb across the canvas, clearly walking on top of TJ and Joe] What's going on?

Harvey : [Hitting Charles] Back off, I say!

Muriel : [Shouting at Clint, with tears in her eyes] I'm only sad because you made me that way! [Tries to grab Clint, but is shrugged off]

Dana : Out of my way! [Grabs Mewt roughly by the hair and pulls her out of Clint's grasp, throwing her to the ground.]

Austin : [Whips Charles if he is in range]

Clint : Oh no you won't! Alice, give us a hand! [Pulls out his sword and throws a blow at Dana] I mean an arrow, Alice!

Alice : [Shouting] At you? Or someone else, Clint? [Doesn't wait for an answer, but fires at Muriel, getting off two arrows, each of which hit her.]

Muriel : Argh! You bitch! You can't have him! [Strikes Clint again]

[AUSTIN gets off two lashes of his whip, the first grabbing a cigarette from the lips of a by-stander, and the second striking HARVEY, CHARLES and two other by-standers.]

Jerome : [Climbing onto the carriage, looking back in dismay to see Clint and Harvey engaged in fighting] Quickly! The gateway is already starting to close!

[CLINT hits DANA, but his sword just bounces off.]

Dana : Take our place in Sarasate's group, eh? Bastards! [Cuts him deeply with her sword, knocking him to the ground just behind Jerome.]

Faetan : [Sword drawn] Come on! You can just about make it!

[Other people are now starting to climb onto the carriage.]

Austin : [Whips Charles and then will go for the gateway] Come on!

Clint : Run for the statue, Mewt! [Starts heading towards Harvey, keeping an eye on the disappearing circle, ready to leap for it]

[AUSTIN disappears through the portal, with a peculiar sucking noise, while CLINT and HARVEy get to the edge of the carriage.]

Dana : [Grabbing Mewt by the hair] Look what I've got!

Mewt : [Crying] Please! Please don't hurt me!

Alice : Look! She's got Mewt!

Harvey : [To Clint] Gah!

Clint : [To Harvey, while throwing a blow at Muriel] Gah?!? Don't you gah at me! You're the invencible one, go and get her or give me the pendant!

Harvey : [To Clint] When you leave someone behind, Private, I am perfectly entitled to gah you! [Leaps into the crowd]

Alice : Look! The portal is getting smaller!

[It is now about three feet in diameter.]

Clint : [Throws a blow at Charles to clear the way for Harvey] Well then, next time do something sooner, rather than just gahing and watching me get beaten up!

Alice : [Giving Clint a quick kick in the backside] You shut up! Just concentrate on helping him and stop wasting time arguing.

Faetan : [Taking out a bow] Like you're doing now?

[Both FAETAN and ALICE fire at DANA, who falls from the force of the blow, but still keeps a hold of MEWT, who's now kicking her, trying to get free. CLINT's strike at CHARLES is successful, and he swings back, but misses.]

Charles : Ow! Hey, what did I do to you?

Chastity : Quickly! The portal is now only two feet in diameter!

Harvey : [Runs over to Dana and swings his sword at her] Let go of that minor, you evil harpy! [HARVEY slams his sword down on DANA, but does no damage. It is, however, enough for MEWT to break free. Meanwhile, ALICE and FAETAN let loose a volley of shots at HART, who goes to grab MEWT, and hit him with three of the four arrows.]

Dana : [Still lying on the ground] Stop them! Kill them!

[CHARLES strikes JEROME with his sword, while MURIEL makes for MEWT.]

Chastity : It's only a foot in diameter now!

Jerome : [Runs at Dana, red with rage, and tries to grab her Talisman, screaming] Release the child foul wench!

[JEROME grabs DANA, but is immediately stabbed from behind by MURIEL.]

Muriel : Like all men, you're a bastard who deserves to die.

Alice : Oh, here we go! [Takes out her sword, and jumps headlong into the crowd, swinging and hitting Muriel.]

[Much to her surprise, MURIEL dies. Meanwhile, FAETAN fires two arrows at HART, hitting him once.]

[DANA lets out a deafening scream, causing HARVEY to drop his sword as he tries to block his ears.]

Faetan : Sunuvamuther... [Aims arrow at Dana's talisman chain/rope and fires]

Jerome : [Slashes Muriel with all his swashbuckling might] You die now Ms Ryan!

[FAETAN tries to aim, but starts shaking, clearly unable to concentrate with the screaming. All around the carriage, people are sinking to their knees as the screaming, incredibly, gets louder. Enter SARASATE, coming from the bar, and narrowly avoiding being struck by FAETAN's shot.]

Sarasate : [Also holding his ears] What the hell is going on here?

Faetan : Later, we're fighting some jerks! [Looks extremely pleased, leaps off the carriage to attempt a running tackle at Dana]

[As FAETAN lands, the screaming from DANA gets even louder, forcing her to block her ears, as she staggers towards DANA, who simply punches her hard in the face, sending her crashing against ALICE, who is also struggling to stay up, with the result that the two end up in a heap on the ground.]

Sarasate : [Mutters some kind of incantation, and suddenly Dana ceases to make any sound] Ah. That's much better.

Faetan : [Grins] MUCH. Alice, get yourself up to that portal, drag Clint along with you. [Scrambling to her feet to try that again] Now if you'll excuse me... [Launches herself towards Dana with a feint, and a blow to the solar plexus]

[FAETAN crashes into DANA, and punches her as hard as she can, but it has no effect, and DANA quickly headbutts her back.]

Alice : [Glancing back at the carriage] The portal's ... gone!

Sarasate : Well, well, well. Looks like Dana's got something I want.

Faetan : Arrrr, you weasel! [Grabs at talisman]

Clint : [Closing his eyes and concentrating as much as possible] Work, Phili-damned powers! [DANA easily pushes her away, and jumps up, shouting something at CHARLES and HART, but is totally inaudible. She makes a run for it, followed by the two.]

TJ : [Finally pushing back the canvas] What's going on out here? [Looks at where his statue once was, where there is now just a pool of grey liquid] Hey!

Faetan : COWARDLY WEAKLINGS! [Wipes blood from lip, turning around] Well we showed them, the bug--hey, lookit that...see, I knew it was fake, didn't I say it was? [Looks pleased with herself]

Alice : Fake? [Gesticulates wildly with her bow and an arrow] Where the hell do you think Austin has gone?

Harvey : [Getting to his feet slowly] Well. [Looks around] Looks like we've lost Private Sleaze, eh?

Faetan : [Smile wavers for a moment] Gone...? He made it through, then? [Then smiles again] Good. Good, good riddance, I mean...

Clint : [Narrowly avoiding Alice's bow] [To Joe] So that was a fake statue after all! Or do you have another one?

Jerome : [To the others] What did you expect from a near dead one armed laywer? At least the gateway was not totally wasted, I estimate a high probability that the statue was not a fake, but was indeed genuine.

Alice : [To Jerome] What did we expect? Probably same thing we'd expect from a perfectly healthy, two armed lawyer!

Joe : [To Clint] No, it wasn't mine to begin with!

TJ : [Visibly upset] My statue! My statue!

Faetan : It's a result of that banshee's screaming!

Jerome : [To Alice] It may be more useful to descern between Sleaze's actions and his offensive conversation. He did fight with us against Dangsten, to the death.

TJ : [In horror, to Faetan] But, that statue was my livelihood! How am I going to afford my leather pants and platform shoes now? How?

Alice : [To Jerome] Well, pardon me for interrupting a meeting of the Austin Sleaze fan club, Jerry. [Looks away, shaking her head, before turning back to Jerome] You know, I wonder if he had a way of escaping from Dangsten, would he have been so keen to fight with us?

Faetan : [To TJ] Er...there there now, it's all right...I'm sure there's another statue around here somewhere, right? And if not, surely another one will be put up shortly, since everyone seems to despise Phili, yes?

Jerome : [To Alice] No my sweet, I was just pointing out a fact. I suspect that he would have escaped from Dangsten if he could, leaving us all to die.

TJ : [Genuinely upset] But you don't understand, they've almost all been destroyed, and I really need to have those leather pants. It's the only thing that makes up for [whispers as lowly as he can] having such a small lad. [Unfortuntely for TJ, his microphone is still turned on, and this revelation is broadcast to the whole street.]

Alice : Hm. Yes.

Sarasate : [Watching the party, with a scolding look on his face] So. You were trying to escape? To leave me here on my own?

Clint : Not at all, we were practising our performance, just look at the audience we managed to gather! [Points his hand to the people around the tent]

Faetan : [To Sarasate] I was trying to get my talisman back from Dana the Jerk. [Turning back to TJ] So there ARE others, we just need to find one, right? And once we do, you can BUY a leather pants store!

Sarasate : [Unimpressed] Yes. So I see. Good work. You must remember, however, that, if we're to get through the next few hours, we [emphasises] must appear to be working together, we [emphasises] must be part of the same team. God damn it, we must like each other!

[MEWT takes CLINT's hand, and HARVEY's hand.]

Mewt : [Smiling up at the two] I knew you wouldn't leave me.

Sarasate : There, that's the spirit. Now, if the rest of us can fake that kind of sincerity, we're on a winner.

TJ : [Shaking his head] It's not as easy as that. There mightn't be any more left in the whole city. Possibly anywhere in hell.

Faetan : Come now...have a little faith in your dark and evil all-powerful ruler...surely Seth wouldn't allow THAT to happen, would he?

TJ : [With tears in his eyes] Idunno. [Blows his nose, almost deafening everyone with the sound over the microphone.]

Sarasate : We've got an appointment.

Faetan : Guess we'd best be off then...keep the evil faith, brother! [Slaps TJ on the back]

Harvey : [To Faetan] But even if we find a multitude of statues, dear girl, we no longer have the orbs to do anything about it! Confound it all, what!

Clint : Here she goes again, slapping people...

Faetan : I don't slap! [Looks indignant, straightens the straps of her armor] I punch. Get it straight.

Chastity : [To Harvey] We'll just have to hope that Sky and Helga meet back up with us in one piece. Hopefully we can work with them and use their orb.

Clint : If the pendant had been properly used, either to get us inside the tent, or to save whoever was in trouble, we wouldn't need a second orb! [Quick glance at Harvey]

Chastity : [To Clint] Now, now, Clint. Now is not the time for the party to be falling apart! We're all a bit disappointed but there is no need to be downhearted. Look on the good side, Austin's not here! I mean, got back the Queens View where he can hopefully receive the medical care he needs. [Coughs and shuffles a bit, looking awkward]

Harvey : [Raises an eyebrow in Clint's direction] I hope, Private, that you are not insinuating that I was to blame. The decision not to use the talisman to enter the tent was taken by the party, and, while as a military man, I don't really hold with all that democracy hokum, that is the situation we find ourselves in, what? Furthermore, Private, I would remind you that the child was in your care, and that it was only when I reached the carriage that I discovered you had lost her. We're not mind readers, eh?

Chastity : [to Sarasate] Who have we got an appointment with? And where? [pauses thoughtfully. To herself] Oh, yes I knew I'd misses one out. [To Sarasate] And why?

Sarasate : [With relish, as though expecting applause] We have [pause] an appointment with [pause] Garaganfarhur, Devourer of Spirits!

Alice : [Unimpressed] Is he important?

Sarasate : Yes!

Alice : [Impressed] Wow! Gag and farter? Excellent! [Gives Sarasate a little clap.*]

Chastity : Garaganfarhur, Devourer of Spirits? That makes me want an answer to my final query even more. I repeat, Why?

Sarasate : Because he's the one we have to impress with our act. But remember, people, Garaganfarhur loves team spirit - if he senses the party isn't united, he won't even let us try out.

Harvey : Does this mean there's something like that corridor we passed through?

Sarasate : Oh, no. That's unique, and it isn't even really that good, you saw yourself how easy it was to fool it.

Chastity : What happens if we impress him?

Jerome : [To Chastity] Dr. Jerome K Trindle BSc PhD believes that it may be a much higher priority to establish the consequences of [emphasises] not impressing him.

Sarasate : If we don't impress him, we get thrown out of Nether City. You don't get to find a statue, and I, [pats his breast pocket] I don't get to become rich. If we do impress him, he funds the show, we all become filthy rich, and then you can buy your own statue.

Clint : [To all] I think we have no choice but to go for it. If we do make loads of money, then we can pay TJ to find us a new statue.

Jerome : [To Sarasate] The risks are minimal compared to the potential gain. Dr. Jerome K Trindle BSc PhD believes that the party will have little difficulty in presenting itself as a united and cohesive unit. This unity being greatly facilitated by the absence of the most undesirable Mr. Sleaze.

Sarasate : [To Jerome] Excellent, excellent. That's the spirit. Now, in the interests of being a united front, I thought it would be fun if each of us had a cool nickname. I was thinking of T-Bone, or maybe Iceman for myself, and for you [to Chastity] Fat Bitch, [to Clint] Mommy, [to Jerome] Smartass, [to Harvey] Old Fart, [to Alice] Hooker, and [to Faetan] Lesbian. [Big smile] What do you reckon?

Chastity : I think you have mistaken the meaning of "being a united front" for "taking a cheap shot at the members group because I think I can get away with it". [Rubs her tummy, and stretches her back] Oh, I could do with a seat.

Jerome : [To Sarasate] Dr. Jerome K Trindle BSc PhD believes that it would be more appropriate to call you 'Fat Bitch', and I take the time to inform you that Alice is most chaste, honorable and in the truest sense, a lady. [Fronts up to Sarasate]

Alice : [Standing beside Jerome, speaking petulantly] Yeah! [Sticks her tongue out at Sarasate, and gives him the finger.]

Sarasate : [Backing off slightly] Okay, okay! [Puts his hands up, placating Jerome] Maybe we're not ready for that level of closeness yet.

Harvey : [Glowering at Sarasate, turns to Alice] What did he mean, calling me an oak cart? Eh, what?

Chastity : [Sits down on a convenient step, massaging her ankles] If you give me a second to recover, and then I suppose we should be off. [To Saracate] It's not too far is it? familiar with prego-chat)

Alice : [To Harvey] Er, I think it's like you're so well built and fast, you're like an oak cart.

Sarasate : Just up around the corner here. [Starts walking]

Harvey : [Shrugs] The man's mad, mad I tell you! I mean, you a hooker? By the saints, you're far too much a lady to even consider playing rugby, what! Come on troop, out of the frying pan, and into the fire! [Stomach rumbles massively]

Chastity : [Struggles back up on her feet, using the door frame for support] Wait for me. Not so fast. [Goes after Saracate]

Alice : [Gives Harvey a sceptical look] Hm. Yes. [Hitches her already too short skirt up a little, and follows Sarasate.

Exit ALL.]

[Book III, Act I, Scene IX. Garaganfarhur's Palace. SARASATE, HARVEY, CLINT, MEWT, FAETAN, JEROME and CHASTITY are here, standing outside a huge door.]

Sarasate : [Just about to knock, but turns to the party] Okay, remember, we're a team, okay? We're all on the same side. Now, can I have a "woah T-Bone"?

Clint : No.

Sarasate : [Visibly disappointed] Come on, Mom! [Turns to Alice] What do you say?

Alice : [Folding her arms and turning away] Oh, I'm too busy hooking.

Harvey : [Stomach rumbles loudly] Gah, all this talk of food is driving this old soldier crazy!

Sarasate : There'll be plenty of time for that later, once we've secured the funding.

Jerome : [To Sarasate] Dr. Jerome K Trindle BSc PhD believes that it will be considerably easier to convince Garaganfarhur of the party's unity if we do not use belittling nicknames for each other. Your childish names for us merely illustrate your insecurity and naivety.

Harvey : [Claps Jerome on the back] By the saints, doctor, it's great to have you back!

Sarasate : [Sigh] Whatever. [Turns and knocks on the door, causing a huge, echoing sound]

Clint : This better be good.

Sarasate : [Turns back to Clint, irritated] Sh! I've got a lot of influence in this place, I don't want you ruining it.

[The door opens a tiny bit, and a voice creaks out.]

Voice : Yes?

Chastity : [Quietly to Alice] I hope we get in. I need to "go" soon.

Jerome : [Looks at Sarasate] Dr. Jerome K Trindle BSc PhD thinks that [Emphasis] "woah T-Bone" is lost for words. [To Voice] Greetings, we are here to confer with Garaganfarhur, concerning a show that we intend to perform.

Clint : It's [emphasis] Spectacular, spectacular! [Makes a Sinatra pose]

Jerome : [Following Clints cue] It's [emphasis] wonderful and glorious, in joy we are victorious! [Swipes the air and struts to center stage, then stage gestures to Alice]

Clint : Full of excitement!, dirty men [lifts arm and sniffs armpit] and badly behaved girls [stokes Chastity's tummy] !

Alice : [Takes Jerome's hand, and twirls into him, ending up facing the door] Romance, revenge and reincarnation!

Harvey : Queens View Affair, Queens View Affair, No words in the vernaculaur, can describe this great event, you'll be dumb with wonderment...[voice tails off]

[The party arrange themselves, with ALICE and FAETAN in the front, and HARVEY, AUSTIN and CLINT in the back, and begin singing.]

All : So exciting, we'll make them laugh we'll make them cry! So delighting it will run for 50 years! So exciting, the audience will stomp and cheer! So delighting it will run for 50 years--!

[They finish with a flourish, arms outstretched, and with big smiles.]

Chastity : [Pushes her head through the middle of the back row. In a ridiculously low bass voice] Yeeeeaaaaaah! !!! Humph!

[The door slams shut.]

Chastity : Do you think we should have waited until we got inside before doing the routine? I don't know if we jumped the gun a bit doing it on the door step.

Alice : [Still holding her bright smile] Do you think he liked it?

Sarasate : Let me handle this. [Knocks on the door again.]

[The door is opened a tiny crack, and SARASATE leans in to talk to whoever is there. After a few seconds, the door is opened a bit wider, revealing RAFF RIFF.]

Raff : [To the party] My apologies, please enter.

Clint : Now that's much better! [Enters the door] [The rest of the group follow CLINT in, and enter a large hallway, with several doors leading off, and a large staircase leading down.]

Raff : Garaganfarhur, Devourer of Spirits will soon enter.

Chastity : [To the group] I know I'm lumbered with demon child at the moment, but when we re-do the routine for Garaganfarhur, can included in the finale this time?

[Enter GARAGANFARHUR, coming down the steps, he is smoking a cigarette with an extravagently long holder.]

Garaganfarhur : Well, hello there.

Faetan : [Looking Garaganfarhur up and down, lips quirked] Hello... And you are Garfieldfather, I presume?

Garaganfarhur : She irritates me. I want her killed.

[RAFF opens his hands wide and two six inch balls of fire appear, one in each hand.]

Sarasate : [Panicky, to the others] Can't you control her? He doesn't mess around.

Faetan : [Somewhat put out] All I said was 'hello' for crying out loud.

Garaganfarhur : [Dismissively] Untrue. You deliberately mispronounced my name. I have seen thousands of specimens like you, who believe they are something they are not. [Looks around at the rest of the party.]

Clint : Next time don't cry at all, just keep it quiet. [To Raff] Cool trick, by the way!

Raff : [Sounding not totally unlike a door creaking] Ye-es.

Sarasate : Mr. Garaganfarhur, I'm terribly sorry, but she is an integral part of the group, and we all love her funny ways.

Chastity : Oh, indeed, she's a character all right.

Jerome : It is her roasting sense of humour that keeps us all bright.

Harvey : Hrm, she's a card, what?

Alice : [Folding her arms, muttering quietly] Well, I don't like her funnny ways!

Faetan : [Forced smile] It wasn't deliberate, I just can't say Gar...er...your name.

Garaganfarhur : Then you may call me Master.

Clint : So, are you going to watch our show? We really have an amazing production set to go!

Garaganfarhur : Oh yes, I wouldn't miss this for the world. Raff, show them to the room. I shall watch from the gallery.

[RAFF puts away his balls of fire, and walks to one of the doors, before standing at it, turning to the party and smiling.]

Clint : [To Chastity] Why is he smiling? We haven't even started yet!

Harvey : I think he's already seen our performance, and no doubt he's thinking about what that other fellow is going to do to us after it!

Clint : What do you think that is? I smell trouble.

Alice : See how easy it is to pick up on stuff without that horrid body odour of yours, Clint!

Raff : [Opens the door, revealing an immaculate white room] This is where your [smiles] performance will be. The master and I will watch from the observation deck.

Clint : Great, a padded cell, just what we need to calm down Faetan. Why are we supposed to go inside there?

Raff : Surely you know what is going on here? [Looks around at the party]

Sarasate : This is where the performance will be, come on. [Enters the room, pushing the door all the way open. There is indeed an observation area, where Garaganfarhur is already sitting. He looks up to him] Mr. Garaganfarhur, we will be ready to start any second now. [Turns to the others, hissing] Come on!

Harvey : Don't you hiss at me, young man! It's bad enough having certain people growling at me, without your sibilant stutterings, what!

Sarasate : [Glares at Harvey, shocked] Why the fuck are you here? If you're not going to co-operate, just get the hell out of here!

Garaganfarhur : Is there a problem?

Harvey : I say! [Puffs himself up] There are ladies present, mind your tongue, man! I am here to cooperate, I just don't like being hissed at! Hissing is not the way of an army man, bellowing is the way forward, the louder the better what! Now, [sniffs] stop destroying our concentration!

Sarasate : Er, no problem, sir! [To Harvey] Why don't you concentrate in here? Not out in the hallway!

Harvey : It is bad luck, sir, to show your weakness to the audience before taking the stage! [To the party] Are we ready for this, troop?

Clint : I don't think we have any other option Harv, since we're here and all... Let's just do it. [Enter ALL into the room, while RAFF shuts the door behind them.]

Sarasate : Your honour, we are ready!

[MEWT whispers something to CLINT, that no one else can hear.]

Clint : [Quietly, to Mewt] I hope you know what you're doing! [Pushes Sarasate as hard and fast as possible against the far side wall]

Harvey : [Gasps] Gah, private! What are you doing?

Jerome : [Looking around] I do not see a piano. How can Dr Jerome K Trindle BSc accompany the troupe witout a piano?

[SARASATE staggers up to the wall, but when he touches it, it disappears, revealing an enormous machine behind it. It isn't clear what the machine does, but it is made up of knives, blades, corkscrews and all manner of sharpened implements.]

Sarasate : No! Garaganfarhur, please!

Garaganfarhur : [Applauding] Excellent! That's a great twist. Raff, engage the Detesticulatingfustigationator Super Scream Machine Mark IV.

Alice : [Totally lost] What? What the hell is going on here, Clint?

Clint : Don't worry Bimbo, everything's under control. [Quietly, to Newt] Right?

Garaganfarhur : [To the party] I had you down for the dupes, but brilliantly played. Brilliant.

[SARASATE is picked up by some unseen force and dumped unceremoniously onto the machine, which starts whirring, stabbing and scrapping in a noisy fashion, showering the immaculate room and the party in blood.]

Mewt : [To Clint, barely audible over the combination of the Detesticulatingfustigationator Super Scream Machine Mark IV and Sarasate's screaming] Right.

Chastity : [Alarmed, looking round at the other walls] You don't think that the door will still be open do you? [Looks to see if there is any wat past the Detesticulatingfustigationator Super Scream Machine Mark IV]

Garaganfarhur : And so, in return for sarcrificing one of your party members, in true hellish style, you may accept your reward. [Instinctively ducks as a chunk of Sarasate is thrown against the glass seperating the observation area and the party's room]

Chastity : And our reward is?

Garaganfarhur : You get three minutes in the catacombs, to collect whatever treasures you can find. Everything you get in that three minutes is yours, and no one can take it away from you.

Jerome : [To Garaganfarhur] And when the party has completed this three minute grab and dash, what then?

Chastity : [To Garaganfarhur] I take it there is a suprise catch down the catacombs, just for your extra entertainment.

Faetan : That'd be my guess too. [Folds arms, glances back at Sarasate's massacre] more tomorrow!

Garaganfarhur : [Taking out a stopwatch] Not at all, [looks surprised] why else did you come here? Surely you knew the deal about sarcrificing a party member? That if a group willingly participate, and deliberately send one of their members to their death, they are given three minutes in the catacombs? There's no catch. As long as you are out within three minutes, we go our seperate ways.

Jerome : [Looking at the machine] Dr. Jerome K Trindle BSc. PhD. states that the machine has an obvious design flaw in the modulation unit of it's bilateral anisotropic-feedback gain controler. [Points at the modulation unit]

Clint : [Looking at the machine] Hum. Yes, I know what you mean, Jerry. [To Garaganfarhur] So where's the entrance to the catacombs?

Garaganfarhur : That's not a flaw, it's a design feature. Watch.

[The machine stops momentarily, before appearing to divide in two. The now dead SARASATE disappears into it, and the room is filled with the deafening sound of a giant blender. Seconds later, SARASATE's torn and blod-stained clothes are tossed onto the ground.]

Garaganfarhur : [Taking a glass full of red liquid from somewhere out of sight.] See?

[Another door slides open.]

Garaganfarhur : Your three minutes start the second one of you crosses the threshold.

Chastity : [Takes out some pieces of towel] Let's make the most of this then, everyone. [Heads towards the open door, without crossing the threshold]

Alice : Catacombs? I'm thinking this has little to do with feline grooming?

Chastity : [To Alice] That's right, my dear, much in the same way cataracts have little to do with a revolutionary feline storage system.

Alice : So cathartic has nothing to do with cold kittens?

Clint : Let's just do it, alright? [To Mewt] Do you know these catarac... catacombs?

Mewt : [Quietly] No.

Faetan : Bah! What's the point of going in there without a map of some sort? What happens if we get lost?

Chastity : [To Faetan] We only have three minutes in there, how lost can we get? Hold on that's a point. [To Garaganfarhur] What happens to us when the 3 minutes run out? that can happen."

Jerome : [Pauses] Dr. Jerome K Trindle BSc. PhD. thinks that that is the catch. [To Garaganfarhur] What happens if we do not get out within three minutes?

Garaganfarhur : You really don't know anything about the catacombs, do you? At the end of the three minutes, you must stop collecting. One of my assistants, Bowdleriser the Insane, will come and find you, and escort you off the premises. All that I ask is that once the three minutes is up, you stay where you are, and touch nothing else.

Jerome : [To Garaganfarhur] Dr. Jerome K Trindle BSc. PhD. presumes that there is a signal of some form to inform the party of the three minutes being over, perhaps, good sir, a bell of some description?

Garaganfarhur : If you wish, I can get Bowdleriser to make a sound. [Turns to someone out of view] Bowdleriser, if you would be so kind as to sound the signal that indicates time is up?

[Enter BOWDLERISER THE INSANE, stepping forwards into view. He lets out an ear-piercing high pitched scream, that shatters the glass between the observation platform and the party. After a few moments, he stops.]

Alice : [With her hands over her ears] Aw! Does that mean our time is up already?

Jerome : [To Alice] There is a high probability that that was a demonstrattion, for the party's benefit, in order that they might know what the warning sound will sound like, at the appropriate time. [To all] It is most fortunate that Mr. Sleaze is not present as history dictates that he would most probably attempt to steal more goods after the warning siren has sounded. Dr. Jerome K Trindle BSc. PhD. hopes that none of the party members present will attempts any such foolish actions.

Clint : Hey, this is actually a time when the Lawyer would come in handy. [Thinks for a moment] Even if single handed.

Alice : Well, what are we waiting for? Let's go! [Takes out her sword.]

[Just as ALICE is about to cross the threshold, MEWT whispers something else to CLINT.]

Clint : How do you know all this? [Looks for Sarasate's jacket and searches its pockets]

Chastity : [To Clint] While you're in the jacket, look out for [emphasises]that envelope. [CLINT pulls out the envelope which, although soaked in blood and bits of SARASATE, is clearly the one the party saw earlier.]

Mewt : We better hurry.

Chastity : [Still standing at the door] Ok, lets go.

Jerome : [To all] Dr. Jerome K Trindle BSc. PhD. aggrees. [Goes through the door]

Clint : [Keeping the envelope in his pocket, and drawing his sword] Let's have some fun. [Follows Jerome] [Everyone enters the passageway, with HARVEY and FAETAN leading, followed by ALICE and CLINT, then MEWT, and finally JEROME and CHASTITY bringing up the rear. The passageway seems to be cut out of solid rock, and, just up ahead, it divides into about forty other passages.]

Alice : Oh! I know, how about if someone snags a bit of their cardigan on a rock, so if we get lost we can just follow it back.

Chastity : Quickly, do we split up, or stay together?

Harvey : Split up? We can't have the troop splitting up, what? Let's see what's in that envelope, Private!

[ALICE shows the party her Mickey Mouse stopwatch, it shows that ten seconds have elapsed.]

Clint : [Pulls out the envelope] [To Mewt] You know a lot more than you say, so what do you think, should we open this now?

Alice : Come on, Stinky! We've already wasted [looks long and hard at the watch] three!

[The watch indicates that, counter to ALICE's belief, fifteen seconds have passed.]

[MEWT says nothing, but nods her head vigorously.]

Jerome : [To all] Time is of the essence! This way, says Dr. Jerome K Trindle BSc. PhD. [Goes into the nearest passage and keeps wallking until he sees something]

Clint : [To Alice and Jerome] Calm down, this is serious! [To Mewt] Is that a yes?

Chastity : Open the envelope! For Phili's sake!

Clint : Okay, okay... [Opens the envelope]

Alice : [Angrily to Clint] For God's sake, Clint! A nod always means yes, [glances at Mewt] doesn't it?

[MEWT nods, and there is silence for a few seconds.]

Harvey : Not entirely true, niece. I remember an encounter with a tribe called the Humbalabumbalahs, where if you nodded it meant you wanted them to kill you, and if you shook your head it meant you wanted them to kill you. Of course, if you didn't move it at all, they took that to mean you wanted them to kill you. [Rubs his chin thoughtfully] Vicious little brutes, now that I think of it.

Faetan : Look! [Calms down, and leans over the Mewt] Now, little girl, is the answer yes, or is it no?

Mewt : Yes.

Alice : [Clapping her hands] At last! Hm, what was the question again?

[The time according to Mickey is twenty seconds.]

[CLINT opens the envelope and unfolds the contents, producing a large map. It is clearly the start of the catacombs, and leads out a route that goes a short distance and appears to lead to a dead end.]

Clint : There, we know where to go now. I wonder what we'll found there though. [Screaming] Jerry!, come back here, we have a map!

Jerome : [Continuing down the passage. To himself] Dr. Jerome K Trindle BSc. PhD. appears to be alone in an empty passage.

Jerome : [Rushes back to the party full speed] Alas, Dr. Jerome K Trindle BSc. PhD.'s haste has yielded naught.

Alice : You can't just rush off, Jerome. We don't know what's in these tunnels - I mean, I don't want to scare Mewt, but there could be bears, or zombies, or monsters, or [becomes increasingly alarmed] oh my God, we're all gonna die! [Calms down, and looks at the map] It's not a very good map, is it? I mean, where's the "you are here" sign?

Harvey : Well troop, it looks like we have a map to follow, what? However, the question is, do we trust that blackguard Sarasate?

Clint : Of course we don't, but I doubt that he went through all this trouble if he didn't think that he was truly going to find the ultimate weapon. And since we have 2 minutes and 40 [looks at Alice's watch] I mean, 20 seconds left, I suggest we go for it fast!

Jerome : Dr. Jerome K Trindle BSc. PhD. thinks that we do not have time to discuss that potential. Shall we persue the map to the destination shown? [Looks at the map, and points in the correct direction] That way [Looks at Mewt to see if she shakes her head]

Alice : Actually, Clint, we've less than that. Let's see [starts counting on the watch.] One. [Pause] Two.

Faetan : [Through gritted teeth] If you just showed us the watch, it would be a lot quicker.

Alice : Hey! Mickey stays with me!

[Thirty seconds have passed.]

Harvey : Okay troop, let's make haste, and not delay a second on the way.

[The party hurry along, following the map, only to stop several feet along. All along the corridor are smaller caves, each crammed with all sorts of goodies, that each member is attracted to.]

Harvey : [With a rumble of stomach] Gah! A cave full of cake!

Alice : Gasp! Look, that cave is full of clothes!

Clint : Damn! A cave full of Cognac!

Chastity : Gasp! All the tea towels you could eat!

Faetan : [Grinning into another cave] Well well well, who'd have thought hell would have so many cool weapons?

[The time according to Mickey is now one minute gone.]

Harvey : [Glances at the watch] By the saints, two minutes left and we've not even found a single item of treasure! Except for this little beauty! [Chomps his way through a huge chocolate eclair]

Clint : [Holding a bottle of Whiskey] Harv! I thought you were the sensible member of the party!

Alice : [In the middle of putting on a cardigan back to front] No, that's me!

Chastity : [Quickly rifles through the nearest stack of kitchen linen wear] My last towel has come in so handy, I'd best get a few more. [Picks up a quaint towel with fake printed embroidery featuring demons, tortured victims and the slogan "My soul went to hell and all I got was this lousy tea-towel"]

Alice : [Looking at the small towel in Chastity's hand] Wow! What a great skirt!

Harvey : [Glancing at Alice's watch] Gah! A minute and a half gone - let's just grab all the cakes and gold we can and get going. [Almost as an afterthought] We may need currency if we're stuck here for a while.

Jerome : Onwards! Troupe, these things are just to distract each member of the party, Jerome included [Jerome looks at a cave packed with mysterious looking machines, swiss army knives etc], from something much greater. Let us advance!

Harvey : Well said, Doctor!

[The party go on a little further, following the map, until they come to a dead end.]

Alice : [Staggering under the weight of all the clothes she's picked up] So what happens now? The map just ends here.

Chastity : [Finishing stuffing a tea towel in a spare pocket] There must be a secret exit somewhere.

Jerome : Dr. Jerome K Trindle BSc. PhD. thanks the Colonel for his kind complement. [Looks around. Then, all thespian] The Ultimate weapon, secreted in this place must be. Let us not dally, but search now and uncover our destiny [Brings out his swiss army knife in a flourish and pokes around the walls and floor looking for a secret stash]

[JEROME's tapping seems to suggest the wall at the dead end is less than solid.]

Chastity : That wall seems hollow. What we need is some brute strength to break through. [Looks round at Clint and Faetan]

Clint : [Emptying a bottle of Vodka] Oh? Ah. Yes. The wall. Of course. [Launches himself against the wall with his shoulder] [CLINT bangs against the wall, and crashes through it. The catacombs are fairly bright, but it is quite a bit darker beyond the wall, and impossible to see what's there.]

Alice : [Straining to see in, but finding it difficult to move as she is wearing so many jackets] We need a torch.

Jerome : [To Alice. Pulling a tangle mass of old pens and sea shells from his pocket] Dr. Jerome K Trindle BSc. PhD.'s patented anti-dark illuminator should do the trick. [Fiddles with the device and steps into the darkness]

Chastity : [To Alice] How long until our three minutes grace runs out?

Alice : Thirty seconds!

[The party step through the hole in the wall into a huge cavern, which is hundreds of meters high and wide. There are thousands of large piles of every conceivable weapon.]

Alice : [Picking up ring] Wow! What a great looking ring, I wonder what it does?

[The ring shoots out a jet of fire that HARVEY has to jump to avoid.]

Clint : Could this be the ultimate weapon?

Chastity : Or maybe the ultimate weapon is in here [Looks around to see if she can spot a particularly good looking mace]

Jerome : [Looks around in a hurry, his illuminator appears not to work] Dr. Jerome K Trindle BSc. PhD. wonders if anything may be of utility to him in his quest. [Jerome stuff whatever he finds in his pockets as he searches] Fill your pockets troupe!

Chastity : [Looking at Jerome] Oh for Phili's sake. [takes out one of her new tea towels (with different scenic views around hell) and using the light fro the catacombs wraps it around a useful club, and holds it at arms length] Alice dear, could you point your ring towards the tea towel to light it, please.

Alice : Sure! Dead eye Bassett-Short, strikes again! [Points her ring at Chastity, and shoots the club out of her hand] Oops!

Faetan : What's this? [Picks up a bazooka, which fires, sending a shell right through the middle of the party, just missing several members, and sending Faetan to the ground with the force] Wow!

Jerome : [Grabs himself any magical looking rings, trinkets etc, a nice bow and quiver of arrows, the best looking sword and a fine pistol, keeping a sharp eye open for the worlds greatest ever swiss army knife, just in case] What a pleasant day in Hell this is turning out to be.

Harvey : [Picking up some glowing throwing stars] The door behind me. [Throws one in the opposite direction, and it flies back and sticks in the door] Excellent! However, while these weapons are impressive, is any of them necessarily ultimate?

Alice : [Searching through another pile] Hey! I just found a statue of Phili! [Stands back to reveal that this is indeed the case] We've twenty seconds left, so if we can find another orb, we're sorted!

[Suddenly the same noise that BOWDLERISER made earlier is sounded.]

Alice : Hey! We still have time left!

Chastity : [Goes to the side of the cave to a couple of large objects covered in huge sheets] I wonder what this is. [Pulls the sheet off to reveal a Centurian Tank] By Phili! What's this? How do I get in? [Looks round the tank and finds the drivers hatchway. Pauses. Looks and her very pregnant tummy and back to the hatchway] That's hardly fair! [Goes to the next sheet covered object and pulls off the sheet to uncover a Harrier Jumpjet] By all the saints, what's this now? [Sees the small cockpit above her] Not again! [Kicks a pile of items next to her in frustration to reveal an extendable police baton] That's more like it. [Picks up the baton]

Alice : [Wide eyed in shock at all this] Chastity! [Trying to whisper so only Chastity can hear] That's not a weapon, it's a sex toy!

Harvey : Hold on troop - they have ended our time early, it looks like Garaganfarhur is going to back out of his deal.

Jerome : [To Chastity] Dr. Jerome K Trindle BSc. PhD. believe that you should drop that batton as the terminal scream has sounded. Even though the scurrelous Garaganfarhur appears to have changed his end of the deal, we are not in a good position to bargain. However, an orb would solve our predicament. [Looks around to see if there is an orb]

Clint : [Talking to a magical sword] I assure you, I've handheld Beaucaphalus on inumerous occasions, and even killed Pestilence with it! Believe it! [Suddenly, to the party] How about we take the statue of Phili with us? Alice found it before the scream. We can worry about the orb later.

Alice : Hey Stinky, that's a really good idea, yourself and Harvey could probably manage it between you. I'll mind your bottle sof Louis XIV for you.

[Enter BOWDLERISER THE INSANE, standing at the doorway, he glances back, clearly addressing someone behind him.]

Bowdleriser : Yes, they really have found it!

Chastity : [To Bowdleriser] Found what exactly? Did you not know all this was down here? Or are you talking about your tea towel stash?

Bowdleriser : [Singing in a deep voice] Pampa Loomoo Doompafie Doo I've got a perfect puzzle for you, Pampa Loomoo Doompadoo Fie, Now is the time for all you to die!

Alice : [To Chastity] That doesn't really answer your question, does it?

[BOWDLERISER picks up a machine gun, and sprays the area where the party are standing, causing them all to dive for cover. Miraculously, no one gets hit.]

Jerome : [Shoots an arrow at BOWDLERISER] Dr. Jerome K Trindle BSc. PhD. offers you retalliation!

Chastity : [Looking up from behind a pile of tin helmets] You screamed time early!

Clint : [Gets ready to throw a bottle of Louis XIV at Bowdleriser, but stops at the last moment, looking at the bottle] Not this time. [Puts the bottle down, picks up a WWII german grenade and launches it at Bowdleriser] [BOWDLERISER fires again, causing both CHASTITY and JEROME to duck, the latter before he could even get his arrow off.]

Bowdleriser : You cheated - did you really think that we would let you escape if you found the stash of weapons? Now, come out, or I'll kill you.

Alice : What happens if we come out?

Bowdleriser : I'll kill you.

Alice : [To the others] What should we do?

[Riiiiing! ALICE's stopwatch goes off.]

Chastity : [Gripping her truncheon] See, I knew I had it in time. [To the group] Some of us should crawl about and search the piles of weapons back here for something useful. I'm in no condition to do much crawing though!

Jerome : [To Chastity] Tougher times than this we have encountered and triumphed over. Jerome will search and seek, high and low for something useful [Jerome heads south, to outflank BOWDLERISER and search the stacks of weapons or try to find an orb]

Clint : [To Mewt] You climb inside that thing [points at the tank] and don't move until I come to pick you up! [Starts searching the nearest stack]

Mewt : [Shouts at Clint] There's someone hiding behind that! [Shouts at Jerome] There's someone coming!

[Clearly startled by MEWT's shout, FLAGELLA reveals herself, sneaking through the piles of weapons, holding a snazer, which she fires at at JEROME, blowing up a pile of weapons with him.]

Harvey : Gah! Fall back troop! Fall back!

Jerome : [Shoots at Flagella with his pistol] Die, murderous scum!

Jerome : [Tries to fire his bow and arrow at Flagella] Gggnh.

Clint : [Picking up one of the talking swords] Right, Delirious, now is your time to show if you're really better than Beau. Chaaaarge! [Proceeds to attack Flagella]

Harvey : [Trips Clint, sending him to the ground] Damn it, Private! I said hold your ground, look at the damage her weapon just did to the Doctor.

Delirious : Forget that, I, Delirious the Thunder Sword, will prevail!

Mewt : [To Clint] Harvey's right, pull back.

[JEROME fires an arrow at FLAGELLA, but she fires at him, missing, but causing a huge explosion that throws him to the ground with the rest of the party.]

Alice : [Frantic] Can people just stop charging and getting shot for one second? As soon as we pop our heads up, we'll get shot, so let's all just calm down for a bit, okay?

Jerome : [Keeps well behind cover and tries to get back to the party without breaking cover, clutching the bleeding bits]

Alice : [Helps drag Jerome back in] How long can we stay here?

Harvey : Gah! This is impossible, if we try to look up, they'll shoot us with those weapons before we can do anything. If only we had a weapon that could harm them without us having to look at them.

Jerome : [To Alice] Jerome thanks sweet Alice, as he nears deaths door, and suggests that we need an orb of light to hurt them without looking at them. [Looks into Alice's eyes as his life begins to fade (Dramatics of course!)]

Alice : But an orb of light won't help us know where they are!

Harvey : [Passing out the throwing stars he collected earlier] Okay, troop, these will let you hit a target without seeing it, but you will still need to know where it is.

Chastity : [Taking a couple of throwing stars from Harvey] I take it these are magical, Colonel, as we've already seen a demonstration of what happens when we attempt to use unfamiliar weapons.

Jerome : [To Harvey] Jerome thanks the colonel for his gift. [Looks around for a healing item, like a sword or something]

Harvey : I do believe they are, good Sister. I was able to employ one earlier, when I hit the door that was behind me. I took the liberty of collecting quite a large amount of them, so we should have about ten each.

[JEROME finds a number of swords, and three potions, a blue one, a green one and a yellow one.]

Alice : What use are the stars if we don't know where the enemy are?

Harvey : I still have my talisman, so I can just stand up and attack them.

Faetan : You wanna be careful, Harv, it's a lot easier than you may think to lose that pendant.

Chastity : [To Faetan] Yes, so you've demonstrated. More than once. [To Jerome] Watch out with those potions. Remember what happened last time we messed about with a number of different coloured potions.

Faetan : [Glares at Chastity] It wasn't my fault. That disgusting creature Dana took it.

Alice : [Regarding the potions suspiciously] All I can remember is that there were all these colours, and that the shape of the room seems somehow wrong, as though it was moving, and if I moved my head too fast, it took a while for my vision to catch up, or if I moved my hands across my eyes they left a trail. [Notices the blank looks from the others] Er, which potions are we talking about?

Clint : How can we throw stars at them if we can't look to see where they are? We need to get out of here. Does anyone have any other magical items?

Jerome : [Examines the swords to see if any of them look like they can heal. To the swords] Greetings, swords, Dr. Jerome K. Trindle BSc PhD. would like to know if any of you can speak.

Chastity : [To Alice] I was talking about the potions that needed to be mixed when we were fighting Contagion. Although your story does also illustrate the dangers of mixing your potions. One a hundred thousand students could repeat first hand, unfortunately. [Shakes her head]

Alice : [Nods her head sadly] True Sister, the lesson I learned that day was to stick with the brands you trust - you can't beat those Mitsubishis.*

Harvey : [To Clint] Well, Private, I have this talisman, and that's it. However, surely we are surrounded by magic items!

[Some of the swords near JEROME begin to speak.]

Arrogus : I am Arrogus the Wondersword! If you need healing, you are not fit to wield me!

Ostetentenacious : I am Ostetentenacious the Wondersword - I wound, not heal!

Hauterious : I am Hauterious the Wondersword, and you are not handsome enough to employ my services!

Temporidus : I am Temporidus the Wondersword, and I will heal you if you promise to get me away from these losers!

Jerome : [To Temporidus] If you are refering to this party then no. However, if you are referring to others, then the answer is yes, as Jerome intends to leave Hell as soon as possible and estimates that the possibility of this is imminent.

Temporidus : Very well then, seize me, and feel my power coursing through you.

Alice : Temporidus? That name seems familiar for some reason.

Chastity : [To Clint] Clint, didn't you use a sword called Temporidus. [Looks around to pick up a fist full of talismen]

Jerome : [Lifts Temporidus. To Alice] Indeed it is familiar, sweet Alice, Jerome believes that we met a sword, known to man as Tempordius, on several previous occasions, the last being in Queens view when the party was slain by Dangsten, wielding Tempordius, and his cronies. [To Temporidus] Have you heard of Tempordius?

Clint : Temporidus, yes I clearly remember Temporidus. [To Temporidus] Do you have any news from Beaucaphalus? Is he around here?

Temporidus : I know of no Beaucaphalus.

[JEROME picks up TEMPORIDUS, and gives a shudder, with most of his wounds immediately healing.]

Temporidus : Behold! The might and majesty of Temporidus the Wonder Sword! I do not know a Tempordius, but it sounds like a bastardisation of my wonderful name.

Jerome : [As he is healed, holding Temporidus in two hands, down on one knee, Joan d'Arc style] Gnnnh! Wow. Dr. Jerome K. Trindle BSc. Hons. PhD. is most impressed by Temporidus the Wonder Sword, and gives thanks to him for his gift of healing. The sword we know as Tempordius is indeed a tainted mockery of yourself. [To the others] Perhaps Clint could wield Hauterious, Alice could perhaps use Ostetentenacious, and as the Colonel has an amulet, he could wield Arrogus.

Harvey : Good idea, Colonel. [Picks up Arrogus] I should be able to handle these two.

Arrogus : Hey! I want to go with the girl!

Alice : [Quietly to Jerome] You know, Jerome, I'm pretty sure that the other sword wasn't called Tempordius.

Clint : [To Harvey] Since when is Jerome a Colonel and me just a private? [To Temporidus] You deny then being used by Dangsten to kill me, alongside with Beaucaphalus?

Harvey : [Dismissively] Oh, hush up, Private, I can't be expected to remember everyone's name, what the strange appelations young people today use, what! You knew what I meant.

Temporidus : I am Temporidus the Wonder Sword, Healer of the Mighty Colonel Jerome, I do not have to answer to you!

Jerome : [To Alice] Hmm, Jerome believes that you are true, but this mighty Temporidus is most certainly not the same sword that Dangsten wields, for it has never met Beau. We could use the shining blades as mirrors to see our targets, without being seen ourselves, and therefore throw our stars keenly, to hit our target true! [Makes a throwing motion with a star, and then tries to use the sword as he suggested]

Chastity : [Watching everyone get a magic sword and feeling a bit left out, shouts] Are there any speaking maces in the house. [pauses] I mean cave.

Alice : He could be lying...

[JEROME tries out this idea and, although he can see behind him to a certain extent, the sword is too narrow for this to be of any practical use.]

Harvey : [Somewhat distracted by the sight of Alice using her sword's mirror-like qualities to help her apply make-up] Troop, enough of this. I will attack. After all, they are only small orange dwarves, how hard can it be?

[A voice comes from behind the pile.]

Voice : Me! I'm a really powerful and nice magic mace. I can heal anyone who touches me, and give protection to all their party.

Jerome : [To the weapons stacks] As Dr. Jerome K Trindle BSc PhD is not a trained swords man, he wonders if there are any powerful magic slings, knives or wands that he may wield?

[Another voice calls out, from the opposite side of the stack to the other one.]

Voice : Oh yes! I'm a magic sling. I can fire stones at huge speeds and double up as a support when your arm is tired.

Chastity : [To Jerome] They're too good to be true. [Calling to the voice] So you're not an evil little orange entities sneaking up on the party? [Readies her mace, in case someone sneaks round the stack to attack them] hiding behind?

Clint : [To Mewt] What do you think we should do?

Voice : [The mace one] No!

Mewt : Don't trust the voices. They're Pampa Loomoos - Bowdleriser is there [points at one side of the pile] three feet away, and Flagella is there [points to the other side] four feet behind it, hoping that Chastity will come out.

Chastity : [Nodding] Just as I thought. [Grips her mace tightly with both hands, then releases it with one hand to pick out a throwing star ready for action]

Jerome : [To the Sling] And what, pray tell, is your favorite colour? [Winks at Mewt, and reddies a throwing star]

Clint : [Turning himself in Flagella's direction, as pointed by Mewt] Let's try these stars then. [To the star] The creature in front of me, three feet away. [Throws the star] [The star flies out of CLINT's hand, high into the air, only to swerve back down, landing on the other side of the pile. The party hear a sickending squelch, followed by a blood curdling scream.]

Chastity : [Watches Clint's throwing star spin through the air and listens to the consequences] Very impressive. I hope I've got Mewt's distance correct. [Rolls over to Bowdleriser's direction] The Pampa Loomoo seven feet in front of me. [Throws the star up in the air]

Jerome : [After scrutinising Clint's actions. Turning himself in Bowdleriser's direction, as pointed by Mewt, and indicated by his voice. To the star] The creature in front of me, three feet away. [Throws the star]

[Both CHASTITY and JEROME let fly at the same time, and the stars pass each other in the air, before both sailing towards the same spot, eliciting a similarly startled cry as before.]

Alice : Cool! [Takes a star] The side of the heel of my shoe. [Throws it away from the group]

[From the entrance comes the sound of many voices, calling "Charge!". Seconds later, ALICE's star flies back and embeds itself in her heel.]

Alice : Excellent!

Clint : We'll never be able to finish them off with these stars. [To Mewt] I think we need a new idea, little girl.

Harvey : Let me take a look, they can't hurt me. [Pops his head up] Gah! [Back down again] Okay, the first two are dead, but there are a lot of them coming in.

Mewt : [To Clint] Don't look at me. [To Alice] Thirty feet away, south west.

Alice : [Throws her star] Thirty feet away, south west.

[Off stage a scream is heard. One of the new Pampa Loomoos, Einsteloompa, calls out.]

Einsteloompa : Give us the weapon, and we'll let you go free.

Chastity : Do you think they mean the "The Ultimate weapon"? [Looks around the group. To Alice] Is there anything unusual about that statue of Phili? Apart from th efact it was found in a weapons stash in Hell, that is.

Jerome : [Moves sheepishly beside Chastity] Jerome believes that you are correct. We should examine the statue more closely, it could be the weapon, or it could be inside, or indeed, it has occured to Jerome that Mewt could be the Ultimate Weapon as she is proving to be most useful.

Chastity : And what better disguise for an ultimate weapon than a sweet little girl. [Smiles to Mewt] But lets at least look at the statue. [To Mewt] The nearest target please, dear? [Prepares another throwing star]

Jerome : [Examines the statue with the magnifying glass on his swiss army knife] The swiss army knife is the ultimate versitle tool. Clint ; [To Mewt] Are YOU the ultimate weapon?

Mewt : Yes.

Jerome : [Puts his swiss army knife away. To Mewt] Excellent! How do we get out of this situation? Is there an exit that we can use safely?

Mewt : I don't know. [To Harvey] Ten feet that way. [Points]

[HARVEY throws his star, and something, or someone gets hit.]

Jerome : [To Mewt] Oh, okay. Dost thou have knowledge of the whereabouts of an orb like the one we used on the statue on the cart? [Looks at the piles of weapons, perspiring a little, but still smiling at Mewt]

Mewt : No. [Points at Alice] Ten feet to your left.

[ALICE throws her star, and hits something.]

Faetan : Then what the hell do you know?

Mewt : I know you don't understand what the ultimate weapon is yet. And I know you're terrified.

Clint : You're not being very helpful, Mewt. [Picks up a star] Next target?

Jerome : [To Clint] Jerome does not agree. Mewt is being most helpful, as a result of which we are still alive. [To Mewt] Mewt, can you fortell the future? Are you psychic in some way?

Mewt : I'm doing my best Clint. There's one coming up behind you, ten feet. [Turns to Jerome] Close. The ultimate weapon isn't something offensive, it's -

[MEWT is interrupted by a huge explosion on the far side of the cave.]

Clint : Behind me, ten feet. [Throws a star] What do we have now??

Mewt : [With a big smile] An intervention.

Jerome : [To Mewt, with a big smile] Does that mean that someone has come to help us?

Mewt : Oh, yes.

[In the middle of the rubble and dust from the explosion, what appears to be a huge wave of blue, viscous liquid begins to pour out, some of the Pampa Loomoos can be heard talking in panicked tones.]

Waiterloompa : What's this? I don't recall a reservation being made for this!

Chickalooma : Aah! We're all gonna die!

Chastity : [Taking advantage of the panicking Pampa Loomoos to sneak a look across the cave] Isn't that the same liquid from when were killed by Dangsten and his cronies? Why do I get the horrible feeling that we may soon see Darius? It has been a while since he last popped up with that awful cheesy grin!

Alice : [As the liquid begins expanding, so that at the from it is about twenty feet in diameter] I don't think so, Chas. Firstly, when we were killed, it was purple, and secondly, it wasn't a liquid, it was a mist.

Chastity : [To Alice] Was it? Oh, my mind has got so muddled recently what with stress, Hell, pregnancy, no marshmallow hot chocolate. Just as well I've got you to keep my right. Anyway, I'm a bit concerned about this [emphasises] new, mystery liquid. Can anyone see if its effecting these little fellows?

Mewt : They are terrified.

[The liquid keeps expanding, and will soon touch the ground.]

Clint : And you're not, which suggests to me that we're safe. But we better keep these [shows the stars] handy. [The liquid hits the ground, and starts washing towards the Pampa Loomoos and the party. All the Pampa Loomoos start screaming and running.]

Harvey : Gah! What is this?

Jerome : Dr. Jerome K Trindle, BSc, PhD believes that, whatever it is, it is here to aid us. Even if it is not, one must bear in mind that the enemy of my enemy is my friend.

Alice : Does that mean that the friend of my friend is my enemy?

Clint : And the enemy of the enemy of my enemy, is he my enemy?

Jerome : Mr. Scar, even your friends are your enemies. Dearest Alice, I presume that depends on whether the friend in question is Mr. Scar or not.

Alice : Hm, of course, he doesn't really have any friends, does he?

Clint : Does that mean that I don't have any enemies, as my friends are my enemies? I'm confused.

Alice : Oh, you have plenty of enemies, believe me, Clint!

Clint : Really? And are my enemies my friends, as my friends are my enemies? This is really getting confusing. Must be the fumes from the liquid, or the smell of burning Pampa Loomoos.

Chastity : or the lack of marshmallow hot chocolate

Mewt : All you need to know is that the best friends you'll ever have are sitting around you now.

[The liquid is drifting towards the party, and will soon engulf them.]

Jerome : Dr. Jerome K. Trindle finds that very heartwarming, Mewt, but finds he is more concerned with this liquid than anything else.

Mewt : It's okay.

[The liquid is now upon them, and, in a few seconds will touch them.]

Chastity : [Gets up painfully slow and backs away from the liquid. To Mewt] Was that, "The liquids okay", or "That's Okay, you're welcome"? I don't much like being washed over by liquid that combusts all that it touches.

Harvey : [To Mewt] Do you mean this liquid will not harm us?

Mewt : [As everyone backs away slightly] I'm pretty sure the liquid is okay.

[The liquid laps up against MEWT's legs, and flows over them, so they are no longer visible. Currently, no one else is touching the liquid.]

Mewt : There's no need to be so worried, Harvey!

[The liquid, which, this close up, looks like thick paint, is up to MEWT's chest now, and is about to wash over everyone else's shoes.]

Clint : Gah! What a band of pussies! [Walks towards the liquid]

Jerome : Dr. Jerome K Trindle, BSc, PhD, shall instigate a small experiment to ascertain the potential hazards of proximity, or indeed, contact with the liquid.[Dips his little finger into the liquid to test it]

Chastity : [Looking down at the rising liquid] I do hope this doesn't stain. I don't want to replace these clothes, good habits are notoriously difficult to find in Hell. [Steps into the liquid]

Alice : Well, seeing as how everyone else is doing it, it can't be dangerous! [Skips into the liquid, and promptly slips, falling down hard on her backside] Ow! [Thinks for a second] Hey, that didn't hurt at all!

[As the others have noticed, the liquid is slightly warm, and has a unusually comforting feel about it.]

Faetan : [Stepping back further] I'm not chicken, I'm just not dumb enough to walk into paint on the say so of some greasy kid.

Mewt : [Almost submerged] You know, Faetan, sometimes you can rely on other people. [Disappears beneath the liquid.]

Chastity : Oh, well, here goes then. [Pinches her nose and holds her breath before the liquid covers her]

Jerome : [Quickly fashions a nose clip from a clothes peg and puts it onto his nose. With a nasal sound] The Dr. Jerome K Trindle, BSc, PhD, patent pending nose clip would appear to be appropriate in our current situation. Unfortunately I only have one. [The clip springs off into the liquid, vanishing]

[Soon, everyone but FAETAN is engulfed by the liquid. They cannot see any of the items in the room, but can see each other. Enter SVEN GORING and ASTRID, coming from the distance.]

Sven : [With a big smile] Well well, if it isn't my favourite party.

Astrid : [To the party] Hello again. [Gives Clint a peculiar smile.]

[MEWT runs to ASTRID and embraces her.]

Jerome : [To Sven] Dr. Jerome K Trindle, BSc, PhD is most happy to see you alive and well, good sir! Jerome should have expected that such a valiant rescue occuring at our moment of greatest need could only be the work of a great hero such as yourself. Well met. [Bows a bit to Sven]

Clint : [To Jerome] Are you sure that's the REAL Sven?

Sven : [Hands on hips, leaning back] Haw! [Looks back at Clint] Well, I'm sure that you're the real Clint, Stinky! [Does a quick shadow boxing pose on him, before turning to Jerome] Dr. Trindle, as always, it's a pleasure, and yes, I am well, but old Sven is dead.

Faetan : DARHAR!!! [Like a black streak, suddenly zips to Sven in a tackling hug] Don't tell me you're trapped down here!!

Sven : [Uses his hand to push her face away, rugby style, but is still caught by Faetan] No way, Monster, I'm up there. [Points up] The PR people upstairs have a great name for it, they call it an -

Alice : I know! [Looks at the others proudly] An invention!*

Sven : Haw! You haven't changed a bit, Shooter!

Clint : [Throws himself tackle style against Sven and Faetan] It is you!

Faetan : [Squashed] Mmfawdlemuhburth!!!

Jerome : [Looking at Sven] Dr. Jerome K Trindle, BSc. PhD. is sure that that is indeed the one and only, inscrutable Sven Goring.

Harvey : [Smiles and salutes] Officer on deck, troop! Good to see you again, and your friends, good sir knight! A pleasure indeed! [Looks around the room] Have you come for the weapon?

Chastity : Please, Harvey, "The weapon" has a name and, I'm sure, feelings. [To Mewt] Isn't that right, my dear. [Back to Harvey] Just because we've discovered she's the ultimate weapon doesn't suddenly downgrade her to a mere object. [To Sven] What is this liquid we are in? Can we get out of here through this?

Harvey : [Bows to Chastity] You're quite right, good sister, the weapon does indeed have a name. [Ruffles Mewts hair] Erm, well done there.

Mewt : [Quite unconcerned at the filth of Harvey's hand from touching her hair] I didn't do anything, I was rescued by you lot.

Sven : [Pulling himself up from Faetan and Clint] Well, it's great to be back with you, even if it is only for a short while. [To Chastity] Believe it or not, Chastity, you're in heaven.

Faetan : How do you mean...? Just Chastity, or all of us? [Blinks, and frowns]

Harvey : [Gasps] What are all these terrible weapons doing in Heaven? I expected harps and suchlike!

Clint : Is this some kind of gateway between Heaven and Hell then?

Sven : All of us!

Alice : [Looking around] Not quite what I expected, I have to admit.

Sven : Come on Shooter, you knew we were going to meet here! *

Alice : But I didn't think it was heaven!

Faetan : [Frowns further] I don't understand...where's Austin then? Is he okay?

Sven : Way to go, Stinky! [To Astrid] I told you he was smarter than he looked, didn't I?

Astrid : [Purrs] But you didn't say he was so handsome. What a shame he doesn't remember me.

Sven : [To Harvey] No, Harvey. This [waves around him] is heaven. The weapons are all in hell, with the exception of this little tyke. It's like Stinky says, a little bit of heaven dipped into hell to get you lot out.

Sven : Well, you know Austin, he'll always land on his feet, but Monster, [sternly] and I mean this, no punching the lawyer from now on. I know he asks for it, but keep your cool with him. [Glances at Harvey] That goes for you too, Colonel.

Chastity : [To Faetan] Austin jumped through the portal that should have taken him back to Queen's View. [To Sven] or like a yummy piece of marshmallow dipped in hot chocolate.

Harvey : I do what is necessary to keep the morale of the troop high, and if he drags it down, it is my job to ensure he knows about it! By the saints, I can't go soft on one lad, and leave the rest suffer!

Faetan : [Grinds her teeth] Okay, Sven...I'll do my best. [Fists clench, and unclench] Sven...is my dad around here too?

Alice : [Blocking her ears] Hey! This is heaven, what's all that grinding noise about?

Sven : Well, Monster -

Astrid : Ah, ah, ah! [Wags a scolding finger at Sven] You know, the Shellvis clause?

Sven : Sorry, Monster, we can't talk about that kind of stuff, not since we started getting inundated with enquiries about Shellvis Pressedly.

Faetan : [Stops grinding, bites lip instead] But...but I gotta know if he's all right! A-and Mum too! And Jaxon...and what about Peter?! Not that I care much about him, but...

Clint : [To Astrid, looking at her from head to feet] If I had met you, I would remember, trust me! How you'doin?

Astrid : I'm doing fine, since I was saved from the spoon job*, although Dana was a bit of a bitch.

Sven : Sorry Monster, but I can't say anything.

Alice : Oh! Oh! I know! How about if you mime it?

Faetan: [Looks away for a moment, clearly frustrated] Well...if he is here...give him my best. In the meantime, I'm sick of this hell-hole, let's get out of here.

Chastity : It is a heaven filled hell-hole, but I know what you mean. The sooner we get back to Queens View, the sooner I can have a Marshmallow Hot chocolate. By Phili, these cravings are awful! [To Sven] Do you know anything about Helga Goring and Sky? We're supposed to be meeting back up with them.

Clint : Ok, I'm suspicious about something, so let's get this clear. [Goes to Astrid and gives her a hot kiss]

Jerome : [Frowning] Jerome believes that we must indeed plan our next phase. Ms Goring and Mr. Sky may not need our help, but this statue of Phili [Points at the statue that Chastity is holding] may be the only one left in Hell, and therefore essential to their survival.

Sven : [Looks at Faetan with some concern for a few seconds, before turning to Chastity] Haw! Helga, my little sister. She'll make her way here soon enough once she sees what's going on, and that Sky, he's one hell of a guy!

[A large shimmering ring appears to one side.]

Sven : That's a gate back to your world.

[ASTRID is somewhat taken aback, but lets him kiss her.]

Alice : [Shocked] Eauh! You know, you'd never know where his mouth has been!

Sven : [To Jerome] No need to worry, Doc, this baby [just his thumb at the ring] will get you back.

Faetan : [Looks everywhere BUT at Clint and Astrid] Well, glad this is over. C'mon loverboy... [Still doesn't look at Clint] We have work to do. And some explaining as well.

Chastity : If Clint and Astrid can finish with their disgraceful display of animal lust, we should go. I expect we will find Austin through the shimmering ring, as one would expect. [To Sven] Thank you again.

[ASTRID breaks off from CLINT, gasping.]

Clint : [Pulling out from the kiss] Woha! I'm still not sure, but you're definitely hot! Are you Celia???

Astrid : Sometimes. And sometimes I'm Geri, she's fun, but a touch crazy.

Sven : Alright, Clint, don't make me get out the hose, you old dog! Go on now, get out of here. [Gives a salute to Chastity and Harvey] As always, a pleasure.

Faetan : [Shakes Sven's hand, looking ONLY at the hand] See you 'round, guy. Miss ya. [Turns and stalks towards the ring]

Jerome : [Goes over to the ring and inspects it] Excellent. [To Sven] Jerome thanks you good knight, for your assistance and bids thee farewell on your travels. [To the party] Jerome suggests that we leave now as this ring is unlikely to remain indefinitely. [Stands patiently beside the portal, waiting for the essential bickering before action to take place. Straightens his bow tie]

Sven : Hey! You keep an eye out for Jaxon, you hear? There's no back door to a sinking ship, keep that in mind.

Clint : [To Astrid] I will get to know you better one day. Wait for me! [To Sven] I'll miss you again, big guy. [Punches him hard on the left shoulder] Goodbye!

Astrid : [Taking Mewt's hand] It may happen sooner than you think, Clint.

Sven : Haw! [Punches Clint back as hard as he can on the shoulder] Look after this mob, and pay attention to what this guy [points at Jerome] says.

Faetan : [Not looking back, just nods] Right, Jaxon... Bah, he wouldn't come this far north... [Grumbles grow quiet as she mutters something under her breath]

Clint : [Stumbling back from the punch] I will. [To Astrid] I'll look forward to that moment. [Jumps through the circle] Here we go!

Harvey : Before we go, sir, a question. What manner of weapon is the young tearaway?

Sven : Well, Harvey, it might be difficult for a military man like yourself to understand, but the ultimate weapon is not to be able to destroy things, [taps his temple with an index finger] it's the ability to read someone else's mind.

Alice : Doesn't sound like much of a weapon to me.

Mewt : Alice had her first serious boyfriend when she was -

Alice : Okay! Okay!

Jerome : [To the party] Jerome believes that sufficient amourisms have now been exchanged in order that we may depart without further ado. We must get Mewt to saftey, and Phili knows what trouble Mr Sleaze has got himself into by now! He is probably being burt at the stake as we speak.

Chastity : Right lets go. There's a steaming sweet sticky drink at home with my name on it. [Rubs her tummy] I wonder what'll happen with this on the other side? [Steps through the ring]

Alice : [To Jerome] And that's supposed to make us hurry?

[The others start stepping through, until just ALICE is left.]

Sven : Aren't you going to say goodbye?

Alice : No need.

Sven : We can't meet again, not now that I've transferred upstairs.

Alice : [Shaking her head] We'll see.

Sven : [Just as Alice is about to step through] Where?

Alice : In the dark place. [Steps through.]

Astrid : What was that all about?

Sven : Search me. Mewt, do you know what she was talking about?

Mewt : Hey, I'm not a toy, you know! Anyway, I'm still too shocked after reading Clint's thoughts when he was kissing Astrid, I am only a child, after all.

Sven : Let's go.