THE QUEENS VIEW AFFAIR - Book II, Act VI

[Book II, Act VI, Scene I. The plane wreckage. Saturday, February 8th, 1997, 4.30pm. WADSWORTH, MILICENT, MARCUS, ALICE, MASON, JEROME, HARVEY, AUSTIN, CLINT and CHASTITY are here, all lying around the wreckage of the plane. The plane has been completely smashed up, and there are a few small fires burning. MARCUS is already up, and sitting with WADSWORTH.]

Alice : [Groggily sitting up] I guess Wadsworth was right - he isn't too good at landings!

Clint : [Checking himself] Hey!, that wasn't too bad, I thought I'd burn for all my sins! Hum, what's with all the new clothes, everyone?

Harvey : [Sits up, throwing some wreckage off his legs] Christ almighty, I thought I was a corpse for sure! [Looks around the crash site and gets wobbily to his feet] Is everyone alright? [Checks for signs of life]

Marcus : Wadsworth's dead.

Alice : [To Clint] What?

Clint : [To Marcus] What? [Pauses] Who is Wadsworth? [Pauses again] Who are you?!?

Harvey : [To Marcus] He's making a bit of a habit out of that! [Turns to Clint] Hey, perhaps he has amnesia. Or more likely a twenty four hour memory span.

Alice : [Turns to Harvey] Who are you?

Chastity : [Sitting up and looking at Clint and Harvey] Oh, thank goodness, my two favourite men are alive and well! But [looks at Alice and gasps], oh you poor dear, you've knocked your face against something in the crash! [Looks closely and smiles sweetly] Ooops, my mistake!

Clint : [Looks at Jerome, and starts laughing like mad] This is one of the best trips I've ever had!!! What the fuck did I drink this time?

Alice : [Smiles back] What happened? Did you look in a mirror by accident?

Marcus : [Strides over to Clint] Get a grip on yourself man!

[Somewhere in the bushes, off to one side, the group can hear someone rustling in the undergrowth.]

Harvey : [Smiles at Chastity, before turning back to Alice] I say, my dear, whatever do you mean? Who am I, indeed! Such a strange sense of humour!

Alice : Sorry Harv, I was just getting carried away with it all. Clint must be in some kind of shock.

Marcus : [Takes out his sword] There's someone in the undergrowth.

Harvey : A rescue party! [Shouts loudly] I say, over here! Over here! [Throws a few coconuts into the undergrowth] [There is an audible "Ow! from the undergrowth. MARCUS and MASON exchange glances.]

Mason : I've got him. [Pulls out a crossbow and fires into the undergrowth.]

[The voice calls out again, this time more distressed, and there is the sound of someone falling, but not before a small back pack is thrown into the clearing.]

Clint : What is going on here? Bimbo, what's happening? Where's my sword?

Austin : [To Clint] What sword? You had a wand didn't you? It matched your tiara.

Alice : [Clearly not thinking that Clint is speaking to her] What's going on? What's in the backpack?

Mason : Neayark! [Snorts out a bit of snot onto the ground in front of Clint] Not only that, but it also matched your vomit moustache!

Harvey : [Picks up the backpack and looks inside]

Clint : [Angrily, to Mason] Who the fuck are you? What the fuck are you?!? [Pushes Mason to the ground]

Mason : [Draws his sword] Alright Stinky! [Kicks Clint in the shin] You think you're man enough to take on Mason Storm?

[HARVEY opens the backpack, and immediately there is an overpowering smell of sulpher. Inside it are a number of small phials of red liquid, all bubbling.]

Marcus : [To Harvey] No! Don't move! Its a bomb!

Clint : [To Mason] That does it! Nobody calls me stinky unless I let them! [Tries to kick Maso hard in the hand holding the sword, trying to make it fly]

Mason : A bomb? [Clint kicks the sword away, and it flies into the undergrowth. An audible "Argh!" can be heard from there, before Mason turns back to Clint] For God's sake, cop yourself on, we're all in danger here!

Alice : [Catches Clint by the shoulder] Come on Clint, get hold of yourself!

Marcus : [Walks up slowly to Harvey] Not a move, Harve! Let's see what we can do about it.

Harvey : [Standing still, his face frozen in terror, lips barely moving] Gedditawayframe!

Marcus : [To the others] No one move! The vibrations of people moving could set it off.

[Everyone stands still for a few moments.]

Alice : Well, we can't just stay standing here forever, can we?

Marcus : Give me a chance, if I move I might set it off.

Alice : If you don't move?

Marcus : It'll go off of its own accord.

Chastity : [Puts her hand infront of her mouth, eyes wide with fear] A bomb! Who would want to blow us up? [Ducks down behind a large piece of wreckage]

Alice : [Turns and walks over to Chastity] You fool! What the hell do you think you're doing walking around? As for who'd want to blow you up? How about the hundreds of cheated wives? The bereaved families of all your husbands? The no doubt countless number of people you've insulted?

Harvey : [Sweat pouring down his face. Quietly] Do something you bastard, or I'll throw the pack into the bushes! The liquid is begining to mix!

Marcus : Oh shit! It's going to blow!

Alice : See what you've done now, Chastity?

Marcus : [Grabbing the backpack from Harvey, and jumping to the ground with it, shielding the group] You bastards better not fail, that's all I can sa- [Boom.]

[The explosion is deafening, and sends MARCUS flying across the clearing. Everyone is knocked to the ground, and covered in earth, leaves and pieces of MARCUS.]

Alice : [Holding her ears and shouting] Did it go off?

Harvey : [Just lies there, staring blankly up at the sky]

Alice : [Still holding her ears] HELLO?

Clint : [Staring at Alice] Bimbo, what the hell is going on here? Why is the Colonel dressed up like a faggot? Who is, or shall I say was, the flying man?

Alice : [Pulls her fingers out of her ears with an audible "pop"] Colonel? [Looks at Jerome] Well, I don't know if I'd call him a .... hey! Bimbo? What the hell are you talking about?

Jerome : [Checking Marcus] He's dead, didn't have a chance. [Standing up] Looks like he saved us.

Austin : [Runs over to the bushes where the sword landed and tries to catch the culprit] Little pig, little piggie, I commin to get you!

[AUSTIN leaves the clearing, and almost immediately stumbles on the body of a man who has been killed by MASON's sword. The man is dressed completely in black.]

Mason : Hah! Mason Storm strikes again!

Alice : [Poking Clint in the chest] I said, what the hell are you talking about?

Harvey : [Still lying on the ground, staring calmly at the sky] What the hell is the potato muncher ever talking about...a load of idiotic rubbish! [Sighs] You know, this has definitely been one of the oddest days ever.

Mason : [Standing on top of a convenient tree stump] And its just about to get a whole lot odder! The fact that someone tried to kill us means that either Contagion is here, or is on the way. We've no time to lose, team, so hurry up and finish any arguments you need to, and let's get the hell out of here.

Chastity : Poor old Marcus, sacrificing himself for us like that! Two dead so far, and we haven't even begun! [Rights a ruined plane seat, and sits herself down, looking miserable, and scratching a mosquito bite]

Harvey : [Stands up, hands trembling and looks at Mason] Yes, I think it's a good idea to remove ourselves from the crash site, but where to? Do you know of accomodation on this wretched isle? A hotel perhaps? Or a guest house?

Mason : [Standing on the neck of the body in the undergrowth to get his sword back] Actually, I was thinking more along the lines of a dark and dangerous cave cut into the side of an active volcano.

Alice : [Turning away from Clint] Oh? Active volcano? Do they have a spa there? You know, the sulpher does wonder for the skin. [Turns and smiles at Chastity, putting her hand to her mouth] Oops! Too late for you, my dear!

Chastity : Well, [smiling at Alice] when we get there, I'm positive that there'll be one spa present at least.

Alice : [Smiles back] Well, let's just hope you don't drown in it!

Chastity : Oh, you're very thoughtful, Alice, but it's not me you should be worrying about.

Alice : [Checking out her make up in a compact] Oh, it isn't. [Closes the compact and smiles broadly at Chastity.] Anyway, do we have a devil to kill? [Looks at Clint] Clint, you've a [points to her cheek] a tiny spot, just there.

[CLINT's face, of course, has quite a coating of ALICE's vomit from the plane, making it only slightly more displeasing than usual.]

Mason : [Pointing towards a distant mountain] Okay guys, that's enough team spirit building exercises for a while. Who wants to lead the way?

Clint : [Rubbing his face with his arm, and then licking his lips] Geez, thanks Bimbo! [To Mason] Ok small fella, I am not going anywhere until someone explains me what the fuck is going on here. Are we coming back from a carnival or something? That would surely explain the outfits [Looks briefly at Jerome's clothes and laughs again]

Harvey : [Sighs and walks over to Mason] Why break the habit of a daytime. I shall lead the way.

Jerome : Believe me, Clint, if we had been at a carnival, there is no doubt but that you would have been employed by the Freaky People exhibit. Perhaps the crash made you lose your memory, but it seems to in no way have effected your ability to irritate and alienate others.

Mason : [Nods at Harvey, making a resigned sign] Better let the girls here sort things out first.

Clint : [Looking very worried] What the f...? [Puts his hand inside his trousers, between his legs, and suddenly smiles like a little child]

Jerome : [Shielding his eyes] Yes, clearly you haven't lost that ability. Perhaps you might like to check out Austin's too, seeing as how keen he was to display it earlier.

Clint : [Still smiling to himself] I've got... got two... I mean... you know... or do you? [To Alice] Hey bimbo!, what are you on now? Looks like you're 10 years older! What is this place? [Looking around] What happened to all of you??!

Jerome: What happened to us? What happened to you!? You don't see any of us groping ourselves and smiling like idiots. Well, Harvey maybe, but that is an established behaviour for him. Can't you remem...[with dawning realization] Clint, what year is it?

Clint : What do you mean, what year is this? Do I look like a calendar? Or has the change in clothes taken away your brain?

Austin : [To Jerome] What's the matter Jerome, you look like your brain has just had it's first thought, like you've just worked out that Clint is the other Clint in personality, because he's too dumb to fake it. [Lights a cigarette. To Clint, as Clint is fondiling himself] Whats the matter? You grow some extra parts or something? Clint will try to punch Austin and throw him to the ground. If he succeeds:

Clint : What the fuck are you about, lawyer? You dumb shit! If he misses:

Clint : Hum, still sleazy ha, the change in clothes didn't help I see.

Jerome: [To Austin] Unfortunately your personality has remained intact. You're still the same coke sniffing, incest survivor trailer park trash we flew in with.

Alice : [Angrily to Jerome] Hey!

Clint : [Punching Austin, knocking him to the ground] What the fuck are you on about, lawyer? You dumb shit!

Harvey : [Laughing to himself] Well he certainly is an improvement! [Sits on a tree stump to watch the action]

Chastity : [Clearly annoyed and upset] Oh for goodness sakes, would you all stop this! We have to work together if we're ever to get away from here with our lives!

Chastity : [Clearly annoyed and upset] Oh for goodness sakes, would you all stop this! We have to work together if we're ever to get away from here with our lives!

Jerome: [To Alice] Sorry, dear. You've outgrown your roots so well Jerome keeps forgetting them. Thanks for the reminder. [To Clint, moving well back] Mr. Clint, if you could pull yourself away for a moment. Jerome believes that you have been some how transported here from the past to help us in our mission to kill Contagion. That's why Jerome is wearing these obviously impressive duds and not some medieval drabbery.

Mason : [With an even more squeaky voice than usual] Point of information! Fighting amongst ourselves isn't going to help things.

Alice : [Kicks Clint up the backside] Let him alone, you horrible man!

Alice : [Whirls around to Jerome outraged and shouting] How DARE you! [Points at the top of her head] I only got these treated on Thursday!

Clint : [To Jerome] Who's Contagion? Who are you? You're definitely not the doc, you've just said more words in a sentence than he does in a whole scene!

Harvey : More to the point, who are you?

Austin : [Still lying on the ground] Yea, though I walk through the valley of darkness, no evil do I fear. [To Clint] I hold no malice towards you, brother, I am sure you know no better. However, I am not a lawyer, but a man of God. Perhaps you might tell us who you are, what you are and possibly even, when you are?

Clint : [To Austin] Woah!, you're definitely the lawyer, still the same bullshit in every sentence! What's wrong with all of you? I'm Clint, you all seem to know that! Now where are we, why are we here, what's with the clothes, and who's the little man?

Mason : That is Harvey, now why don't you just answer their questions?

Harvey : [Wrinkles his nose and looks around] What is that strange odour? [Shrugs and turns back to Clint] Are you saying you know us all, except for the dwarf? [Remembers something Marcus said earlier] Are you perhaps a welsh sheep farmer?

Harvey : [Wrinkles his nose and looks around] What is that strange odour? [Shrugs and turns back to Clint] Are you saying you know us all, except for the dwarf? [Remembers something Marcus said earlier] Are you perhaps awelsh sheep farmer?

Jerome: Stop firing questions at him, all of you. He's from the Dark Ages when brains were about 300 c.c. smaller. [To Clint, speaking slowly] We are on an island with a forty foot golden dildo. We are trying to kill the devil.

Clint : [To Harvey] Just because you look like the colonel, I'll forgive you this one. Once. Call me a farmer again and I'll kill you. [Noticing his black eye] Oi!, who punched me?

Alice : [Indignantly] Well, you got sick all over me! [Notices that it is Clint, and not her, who is wearing the vomit] Er, maybe it was the other way around, but, look, just answer the question about the year, will you? [To the others, as though Clint can't hear her] Harvey might have a point about the sheep farmer, remember that Marcus said there was something about a time distortion thing, that Contagion came through. It might even be possible that he is Congation, in which case we'll just have to cut off his head and kill him, burying his body in a shallow grave somewhere in the desert.

Clint : This is the year 78 of course! By the way, are you talking about Contagion, brother of Iok and Pestilence? He won't be pleased to know he's brother is dead, killed by moi. [To Alice] Who's Congation?

Clint : This is the year 78 of course! By the way, are you talking about Contagion, brother of Iok and Pestilence? He won't be pleased to know he's brother is dead, killed by moi. [To Alice] Who's Congation?

Jerome: [Looks at Alice, then gives Clint a lame smile] Yes, well. Marcus also said the other group was working on a way to defeat Contagion in the future. Clint was obviously a genius inventor back then as well, and was able to create a device to transport himself across time. He'll be fine once he recovers from the shock.

Alice : '78? Wow! He's from twenty years ago? No wonder he thinks we're all futuristic looking. His brother? Then there are more? Hang on, if you are a previous incarnation of Clint, how could you be from only twenty years ago?

Harvey : [Rubs his chin] Perhaps this is a trap set by Contagion, a fiendish plot to substitute one of us for some foul doppleganger, while we all lay unconscious! [To Mason] Is there somekind of test you people use to identify his followers?

Mason : Usually the green scaly skin and horn in the middle of the forehead gives it away.

Harvey : [Looks at Clint] I see. Well what about pallid white skin, blood shot eyes, tousled hair and a vomit moustache?

Mason : [Checks out his notebook] According to this, 95% probability that subject is employed by the University of Limerick.

Austin : [Standing up and clearing his throat] The Lord dost indeed work in strange ways, [To Clint] It is 1997 the year of our Lord, nearly 2000 years after your original life. The anti-christ, known as Contagion, is nearly upon us and we should move with Godspeed to seal the portal from which he will arrive in our present juncture.

Alice : Two thousand years? [Looks confused] So Clint was born in the year minus two?

Clint : Alright!, that's enough! I am not Contagion, I even killed his brother! That doesn't mean that I wouldn't kill my brother, but that's besides the point. [To Alice] What do you mean, 20 years earlier? Have I been transported into the future??

Alice : [Exasperated] That's what we're trying to find out!

Harvey : Jesus Christ! [To Clint] What year were you fucking born! The full date!

Mason : [Cleaning his nails with his sword] Oh puh-leeze! Just tell them!

Clint : [Suddenly smiling to himself] 1997? Cool man! So what happened in the last few years? Or shall I say centuries? [To Alice] Can't say I approve the new look. The old Alice was much nicer, if you know what I mean [Winks at her, touches her bumb]

Alice : [Slapping him across the face] Get your hands off me, you pervert! [Turns to Harvey] You still have your sword, go on, kill him! Cut him in two!

Harvey : [Quite shocked] My God! I've never seen a woman touched there before! In fact, I'd even go so far as to say I never even knew a woman had one! But Alice, quite disgusting yes, but kill him over it? Let's not be hasty here, I'm sure there will be plenty of reasons in the next few days!

Clint : [Dizzy from the slapping] Wow, now I know where I got my black eye from! [To Harvey] The colonel, a faggot!?! Wait until I get back and tell him, ha! [Suddenly confused] How do I get back?

Harvey : [To Clint] Thank you for illustrating my point so beautifully, you vile yob.

Alice : [Face red with anger] In a fucking box unless you answer the question! [Grabs Clint by the collar] Tell us [through gritted teeth] exactly what year was for you! [Stays holding Clint, nostrils flared and breathing heavily]

Mason : [Snort] Point of information! We better start moving, all this screaming and shouting will have attracted every psycopath for miles around.

Alice : [Still holding onto Clint] We all have gone done and got one already!

Chastity : [Laughs hysterically, before turning to Mason, rubbing tears from her eyes] Oh, I'm sorry, I thought you were talking about [points to the others] them!

Mason : [Almost spits out at Chastity] Oh, I'm sorry, I thought you were talking sense! [Stands up] Can we please go?

Clint : [To Alice] Hey!, now you're looking more like the Alice I know! Way to go, Bimbo! [To Mason] Go where, little man?

Alice : [Pushes Clint away, too angry to speak, before turning to Austin, hand out] Austin, give me the gun.

Austin : I can't do that Alice. If I do, you'll kill him.

Alice : And the problem with that is?

Clint : [Adjusting his TWO testicles, with a smile on his face] The problem Bimbo is that if you want to kill Pestilence's brother, I'm the one to have by your side!

Austin : [To Alice] Don't you see? It's all happening, just like in the Bible, the anti-christ, food turning into shit, wine into urine, it's all back wards, and the Lord has chosen us to stop it! So we can't kill Clint 'cos thats murder and we could loose our souls to the devil and stuff like that. God has bought Clint's old incarnation through time to help us fight Contagion. [Makes a swiping fist motion whilst looking towards Harvey]

Harvey : Oh do calm down, Alice, my dear! Take a deep breath and count to te...four, and relax. Save your energy until you need it most. We need to complete this mission, we need to kill Contagion. He's right, we'll need his help for that. But then, when it's all over...we'll kill him.

Alice : [Laughing nervously] Yeah ha! That's what we'll do! We'll stash his body out on west twenty fourth, the buzzards'll pick him clean before nightfall. [Goes back into the body of the plane, muttering to herself]

Mason : [To Clint] So, what's the big secret, Clint? Why won't you tell them the year you're from? I have to admit, normally I don't care, but this has been built up so much, its beginning to pique even my curiousity!

Clint : Ok ok!, I was born in... [starts counting with his fingers] [Pause] [Scratches his crotch, smiles] 1236! And you say this is 1997? Wow... So was there any lightning, and is there any church around? That's when this stuff usually happens.

Alice : [Coming back from the plane, with the occasional sniff and snort of phlegm back down her throat] Okay! Are we ready to go now?

Mason : At last! Okay, Harvey? You were going to lead? Clint, wanna join him?

Harvey : In answer to his question, [Jerks his thumb towards the statue] well, our plane...our incredible flying machine, was struck by a bolt of lightning as we were about to crash among the trees. The bolt came from a fourty foot golden statue over there. What, this kind of thing is quite common when you come from?

Clint : [To Mason] Sure, do you have a sword for me? This body is not what I'm used to, but I'll give me best! [To Alice] What's that white stuff around your nose? [Winks at her, smiling] What were you up to inside that thing? [pointing at the plane] Apparently it flies... [Thumbs up to Harvey]

Austin : [To Clint] It's called cocaine, an delightful substance with addictive, yet medicinal properties, alas it cannot cure stupidity.

Alice : [Big smile to Austin] You're funny Arthur!

Mason : That's Austin.

Alice : [Shakes her head from side to side] Whatever!

[The party form their marching order, and proceed into the undergrowth, heading towards the statue.]

Harvey : What is this? Look, all the vegetation seems to be dying!

[It is true, the vegetation heading towards the statue looks as though it is dying. The closer to the statue, the worse it is.]

Jerome: Looks like this giant dildo is giving off some kind of radiation. [Runs his fingers through his hair and then looks at his hand]

Clint : Well hello!, that's obvious to the naked eye! [Pauses for a moment] What is radiation?

Alice : [Rolls her eyes, exasperated at Clint's stupidity] Its what happens when you've got a radiator, duh!

[JEROME's hair is still as well gelled as ever.]

Harvey : I wonder - is it still giving off the radiation? If you look, you'll notice that the plants aren't changing in front of our eyes, it looks more like it happened before we got here.

Clint : So, are we going to fight this Contagion fella? You know, I really could use a sword. Did no-one ever tell you about the legendary Clint, the swordfighter? There surely must be a statue of myself somewhere - and no, I'm not talking about the giant dildo one.

Jerome: Swordfighter no. Sodomizer yes. But at least you were sodomizing welsh goats, and not being sodomized by old goats, eh Harvey?

Harvey : [Sniffing haughtily] I'm sure I don't follow goat sodomizers with the same keen interest as you seem to have. [As the group follow the path, more and more vegetation seems to have been killed off.]

Alice : What's going on here, Mason? Is the statue killing the plants?

Mason : Unlikely. The dead foliage seems to emanate in a circle from the volcano, and, although the statue is in the circle, it isn't at the centre.

Alice : Volcano?

Mason : Yes, but it is dormant.

Alice : Excellent, sleeping aliens - I just wish I had my camera! [There is some movement up ahead in the bushes.]

Harvey : Dormant? Didn't you say earlier it was active? [Looks ahead suspiciously]

Mason : Yes, and it actually is active. I just figured that if I told you that you were going to have to go inside an active volcano, you'd all probably panic and run around screaming.

Alice : [Nodding in agreement] Yeah, its probably just as well that you didn't, so.

[The rustling up ahead continues.]

Austin : [To Alice] He said Volcano, not Vulcan [Pauses] What's that rustling up ahead, it sounds like a hog rooting in the plants ... [Readys his gun]

Alice : I knew that.

[As the group slowly advance, the rustling seems to be coming from all around.]

Harvey : [Drawing his sword] It doesn't really sound loud enough to be an animal, unless its something really small. [Points his sword to the right, almost taking Clint's head off as he does] Listen - it sounds like there's some kind of waterfall over there.

Clint : [To all] Will somebody give me a sword? I'll be of great use to ye all with it, and besides my nails need some cleaning.

Alice : [Wrinkling her nose up] If only that was the only part of you that did!

Mason : [Prodding Clint gently in the behind with a sword] There, you can take that. Maybe you should go down and check out the waterfall noise?

Clint : [Taking Mason's sword] I surely can. Anyone want to join me?

Harvey : I think we should all stick together - but what about the rustling? The evil eyes watching us? The cold prick of fear on one's neck?

Alice : [Noticing Harvey isn't wearing a coat] Yes, we better watch out for cold pricks.

[The rustling seems to be coming from all around now, but is more like a strong breeze than an animal. However, there is no wind blowing.]

Austin : It sounds like millions of roaches, just like back home at night, but with out the cold pricks, [Retrospectivley] well not in my trailer anyhow

Alice : Why? Weren't they cold in your trailer?

[The group head towards the noise of the waterfall, and soon come across it, stopping just before it. All around, they can still hear the same rustling. Everyone jumps as KING TOOMBALAH UMFALAH suddenly leaps out of the undergrowth. TOOMBALAH is wearing a very sharp suit, and a nice tie.]

Alice : [Splashing her scalding hot coffee all over Clint] Oops! Sorry, I got a shock!

Toombalah : [Bellowing] Who dares tresspass upon the island of the great Toombalah Umfalah?

Chastity : [After waiting what seems an eternity] What do you mean? Isn't this Maboobahboobah?

Toombalah : [Producing a staff, decorated with all kinds of feathers and bones] I am none other than the King of Maboobahboobah! All who live on this island tremble before me, and pay me favours for my good grace. [Pauses, breathing heavily, as though waiting for gasps of amazement]

Alice : [Under her breath to the others] Favours for good grass? [Smiles to herself] I knew I wasn't the only one.

Austin : [To Toombalah] King of Maboobahboobah, we were chosen by God and have travelled here from a very, very far away place, to destroy an evil murderer called Contagion. Have you seen him anywhere?

Toombalah : [Sliding his hand through his over-gelled hair] A very far away place? And what is the name of this no doubt, exotic and fantastic place?

Alice : Arkansas.

Toombalah : Infidels!

[Suddenly the water coming over the waterfall turns blood red, and starts pouring into the large pool immediately behind TOOMBALAH.]

Harvey : Good God, what is happenning to the water?

Toombalah : Hah! You will find that the High King Toombalah doesn't fool quite so - [glances back] Holy Shit! There was nothing about this in the brouchure!

Clint : Hey Toomhabah, step aside will you? [Moves close to the water and touches it]

[The water is quickly turning red, and, although it doesn't seem that different, there is a definite oily feel to it.]

Toombalah : What the hell is going on here? [Looks into the decaying, but moving undergrowth] What has happened to my lovely jungle?

[Some lightening starts overhead]

Alice : Quick! Let's all hide under a tree!

Clint : [To Mason] Do you have an explanation for all this?

Mason : Well, it all starts with a proliferation of negatively charged ions high in the atmosphere, usually caused by high pressure. Then, because there's a difference betweent the charge in the atmosphere and the charge in the earth there's -

[Bzzt! MASON is cut off as a huge flash of lightening seems to bounce off the statue, which is barely visible in the distance. The flash deflects towards the party, and disperses over everyone, knocking them all, including MASON and TOOMBALAH to the ground. Meanwhile, the blood in the pool of the waterfall is getting visible thicker.]

Clint : Errr... right. Does someone want to be a bit more precise? Why are you - I mean, we - here? Just to kill another bad guy? This looks far more wicked than normal.

[The lightening settles down, but it is lashing rain now.]

Alice : [Looking up from the ground] Is everyone okay? Was any one hurt?

Harvey : [Screaming in agony, holding his left arm] Noooooo!

Alice : What happened?

Harvey : [Pale as a ghost] The whole damned elbow of my jacket has been shredded! Shredded I say! This garment now lies in tatters! Killing Contagion may be important, but is it worth sarcrificing this? [Turns to Clint, shouting to be heard above the rain] Is it?

Clint : [To himself] From a bunch of morons to a bunch of morons; incredible how 800 years make no difference at all...

Toombalah : [Slowly getting to his feet] What the hell is going on here? [Turns to the group, pointing at the accusingly] Are you responsible for this? I swear to God, I'll sue the Goddamn asses off you!

Alice : [Whispering to Clint] Hah! Shows what he knows, we ain't done don't got no donkeys! [Sniggers to herself]

Jerome: [Stays on the ground, keeping his head covered] No need to get litigious with us, your majesty. We're here to help. Have you noticed anything strange about your giant dildo lately? By strange Jerome means, have any satanic beings emerged from it in the last 48 hours?

Austin : [I amazement, pointing at the blood] I reckon the blood is Contagion, shit! This looks like the end of the world as predicted in Revelations 90:2:18, "And the rivers shall run as blood, and lightening shall rain down from the heavens"... if only I could remember the next bit. [Stares intently at the ground trying to remember] Something about Syrians smiting Iranians or something?

Austin : [To Alice] That's the Old Testament, no one thought it was real, until now! [To All] I reckon Contagion is going to form out of the blood! So where does that mean the portal is? [To Alice, winking] Fancy a trip to the bathroom?

Austin : [To Alice] That's the Old Testament, no one thought it was real, until now! [To All] I reckon Contagion is going to form out of the blood! So where does that mean the portal is? [To Alice, winking] Fancy a trip to the bathroom?

Alice : [Angrily to Austin] I told you - I don't do that no more!

Toombalah : What the hell is going on here? Who are you people?

Jerome: Jerome Viannini, world famous designer of Clothing With A Conscience. Jerome is the leader of this group, which has been brought here to close the gateway to hell. If you want to sue anybody, it's Mason Storm you should talk to. He's responsible for all of this.

Mason : [Stands up, and coughs to get people's attention] I have several points of information that I would like to raise at this time. Firstly, Jerome is not famous, he is merely well known by a small group of stupid people. Secondly, he is not the leader of the group, because they are all too damned stupid to take proper instruction.

[In the background, ALICE can be seen nodding in agreement with the second point.]

Mason : Thirdly, I in no way represent the group legally, nor am I responsible for appearances of the devil, blood in the waterfall or oversized sex toys.

[The rustling gets louder than ever, and the group can see that the dying foliage has come to life, and is moving of its own accord.]

Clint : [Says nothing, just points to Mason]

Harvey : [Takes out his sword] What the hell is going on with the foliage? Storm?

Alice : [Looking up at the rain] I don't know if I'd call it a storm, but it is pretty wild. [Looks at Chastity] Hm, Chastity seems to knocked out. [Goes over to check her]

Clint : [Tries to cut one of the limbo dancing bushes] What the hell is going on here?

Jerome: [Climbs to his feet and pulls out his gun] Jerome thinks we should keep moving. Your Highness, why don't you walk with us? Jerome wants to shoot that evil clown of a dwarf in the mouth, but he can't Mother, not here. No Mother, there are too many witnesses. Jerome would have to kill them all. Storm, would you like to scout up ahead with Jerome? The foliage here seems to have taken a dislike to Clint.

Chastity: [suddenly "coming aware" with a start] Oh,...what....! I came over all funny. I must have had one of those funny turns that my third husband, George, used to get in the garden.[Looks to Alice] Thanks for your attention, dear, but you look like you could do with a sit down yourself.

Mason : [Hands up] Now Jerome, there's no need to be like that - I'm sure we're all friends here. Where do you want to scout? The waterfall? Or back on the main trail?

[The undergrowth continues moving, and is starting to block the way towards the waterfall.]

Alice : [Steps back from Chastity, annoyed] Fine! Whatever! You know, you just can't help some people! Toombalah, what's the story with these vines and things? [Points at the growth that is starting to block the way.]

Toombalah : [Straightening his tie] I don't know a damned thing about it, now, I don't know who you people think you are, but you've got exactly two minutes to stop all this.

Clint : [Trying to pull out his sword from the vines] I say we move outta here; this place doesn't seem to like us! What about checking out the dildo? I'm sure the ladies won't mind.

Jerome: [Lowers the gun, to Mason] No need to put your hands up, Storm. Jerome would never think of shooting a man in cold blood. Let's have a quick peek at the waterfall. Maybe there's a secret tunnel behind it? And while we're there we can collect some blood for Red Cross. They give cookies, you know.

Chastity: [to Clint] Don't base your presumptions on you own degenerate values.[Quickly glancing round at the enclosing undergrowth]We'd better move quickly anyway. If only I had some of George's weedkiller [checks in bag, and removes flask.]What's this? [sniffing contents]

Austin : [To Chastity, reading the label on the flash] "Analube"? I don't think that's weed killer Chassers.

Alice : Annalube? What's that? Anyway, I thought it was coffee in the flask.

Harvey : Turn away from the waterfall? [Bellows] Never! Never shall a hero turn tail, like the common coward. Are we going to let some vegetables tell us what to do?

Mason : [Sniggering] Point of information - it isn't polite to talk about Clint that way!

Clint : That's right, you never turn tail, you keep lifting it up. If you want to check out the waterfall then lead the way!

Mason : [Shrugs] I don't care what you do - I'm just an observer. Its just that from what I heard about the famous Clint The Invincible it is unlikely such a brave and raving heterosexual warrior would run from a battle. [Sniggers] Chastity:[To Mason]And who exactly are you, voyeur? [Looking round the group]And why are you all in disguise?[to Clint, sniffing]And why have you changed a habit of a lifetime and washed in the last week [to Alice, outraged]and what have you done with your child, your wicked harlot ! [and looks at her feet and screams]Shriek !! and who put these heeled shoes on me.

Clint : [To Chastity] And why do you have to be as annoying as the sis I left 800 years behind? [Starts moving towards the waterfall] Anyone following? Harvey you can go check if anything else is cuming off the dildo if you prefer. On Wed, 22 Aug 2001, Miguel Nicolau wrote:

Alice : [To Chastity] What? What child? What the hell are you talking about?

Mason : [Smiles to himself] Yeah, Alice, it was poor form what you did with the child.

[As CLINT moves towards the waterfall, the vines begin tying themselves even tighter across the path, making it difficult, but not impossible to get across.]

[As AUSTIN advances, he is suddenly set upon by the vines, which drag him to the ground, holding him firm. One of the trees between him and the waterfall changes shape, so it now looks as though it has a face.]

Tree : Begone from this place!

Toombalah : [Putting on his shades] Wow! A talking tree! Guess I've got a pretty cool kingdom after all.

[As AUSTIN advances, he is suddenly set upon by the vines, which drag him to the ground, holding him firm. One of the trees between him and the waterfall changes shape, so it now looks as though it has a face.]

Tree : Begone from this place!

Toombalah : [Putting on his shades] Wow! A talking tree! Guess I've got a pretty cool kingdom after all.

Clint : Hello there Mrs Tree, or is it Mr. Tree. We would like to check out the lovely sight of the waterfall. Do you mind?

Tree : [Lets out a huge roar] Leave this place!

Alice : [Waving her hand in front of her face] Pooh! Tree breath!

Chastity:This goes against my better judgement but..[grabs Clints ankles (if she can reach) to try and pull him out] Weed better not leaf him rooted here ! Oh no, I'm speaking like Alice [coughs and spits]

Alice : [Turns to Chastity, waving her hand in front of her face, saying childishly] Pooh! Chastity breath!

Harvey : Oh come on, for God's sake! [Grabs hold of one of Austin's boots, and starts pulling] Hm, snakeskin, not bad.

[As AUSTIN is slowly being dragged back, the TREE makes a strange kind of screaming sound, which is extremely painful on the ears, and covers the others in bits of twig, sap and spit.]

Alice : I wonder, if all trees cut scream like that, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down?

Mason : We might if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.

Clint : [Tries to push/cut his way through to the waterfall] No tree will tell Clint what to do!

Austin : [Grimacing under the strain] Guunhh! Huuunghh! [To the Tree] Okay, okay I'll go! We just want to know why the water is turning to blood, and ...[realises he's talking to a walking talking, screaming tree] Holy shit1

Toombalah : [To the tree] As your king and owner, I command you to leave us passed!

Tree : Suck my big Maboobahbooban root, asshole! [As CLINT hacks into the vines, they begin to wrap around him too. Seeing this, MASON and HARVEY also begin hacking away at them, between them, the three seem to be making some progress.]

Chastity: [To everyone] Hold on let me![Dramatically waving arms in the air] Begone Evil tree spirit!

[Nothing appears to happen.]

Chastity: Em....please? [Continues to help pull out Austin]

Jerome: [To Chastity] What has gotten into you? Jerome always suspected you practiced witchcraft. Your nose is a dead give away. [Jerome will follow Harvey, Clint, and Mason] Onward men, Jerome will watch your backs. Hack on, step bravely!

Clint : I'm not sure I'm feeling safer with Mr. Leopard skin watching our backs. What exactly will he be watching? [To the tree] I dare you!

Clint : I'm not sure I'm feeling safer with Mr. Leopard skin watching our backs. What exactly will he be watching? [To the tree] I dare you!

Tree : Okay! But don't say I didn't warn you!

[The TREE's face becomes wracked with concentration and effort. Eventually, a single leaf falls off, and flutters past CLINT.]

Tree : [With beads of sap on his forehead] And there's more where that came from!`

Austin : [Straining to get unbound] Cut the bloody vines will you! This must be some test of faith, sent by the Lord almight himself, that we may prove ourselves worthy of his love! [Grunts, strains, clicking of joints] I feel his greatness inside me now! Hold me together! [Dramatically]

Alice : [Pointing at Chastity] Not to mention her wart!

Tree : Hey! What the hell is wrong with you people? If you don't turn back, I'll - I'll fall in front of you!

Harvey : [Busily hacking away with the others, slowly making ground] Hah! The litigious society has reached even here!

Clint : [Making a Zorro "Z" mark in the leaf with his sword, as it flutters past him] I'm sure there is. [Continues towards the waterfall]

Jerome: [To Clint] Jerome will ignore that remark. You can't be blamed for your medieval sensibilities. [To Tree] Just why are you so bent on stopping us? None of the other trees seem to care. What have you got against us?

Harvey : [To Austin] This is the first time I've felt safe since I met you!

Tree : [As Clint walks passed] I mean it - stop, stop where you are! [There is a tremendous shaking, and the group can see that the tip of the volcano, which is just visible, is starting to spew forth spark. Meanwhile, HARVEY starts to cut some of the vines holding onto AUSTIN.]

Clint : [To Jerome] Don't be horrible, Jerome. The tree is not bent - it was born that way. [To the Tree] And why should I stop?

Chastity:[to Austin]How dare you start preaching to us - after your unholy thieving antics![looks at her hands confused]I used to do this stuff all the time. Maybe I've just got to get used to this new figure I seem to have, and these heels [stumbles, slightly] If it works

Chastity:Ah, thats better, from small acorns large oaks do grow, talking of which [shows flame to tree]How would you like some of this?

Chastity:Hmmm, maybe later. All things do come to those how wait.[to Alice]which should give you hope, dear.[Follows others through to waterfall]

Jerome: [To Tree] Yes, why should he? Come on, out with it bark for brains! Why don't you just make like a tree and leave!

Chastity: [to Austin]How dare you start preaching to us - after your unholy thieving antics![looks at her hands confused]I used to do this stuff all the time. Maybe I've just got to get used to this new figure I seem to have, and these heels [stumbles, slightly, and starts mumbling something to herself, before a small flame appears on her hand] Ah, thats better, from small acorns large oaks do grow, talking of which [shows flame to tree] How would you like some of this?

Tree : Enough! [Suddenly falls across the path, striking Clint on the shoulder, knocking him back]

Alice : [Takes a look at Chastity, and jumps back in horror] Oh my God! What the hell is that? That's incredible! [Looks at the flame in Chastity's hand] Oh my God! What the hell is that?

Clint : Ouch. Hum, the environmental society will not enjoy this. [Looking at Chastity's flame] Oh cool, the sister can be useful after all. Give it to the tree! On Thu, 23 Aug 2001, Miguel Nicolau wrote:

Tree : No! Don't do it, don't do it or I'll... I'll fall on you again!

[The volcano erupts with sudden violence, sending ash high into the air, and some small rivers of lava down the side.]

Austin : [To Chastity] What the hell is unholy about robbing a capitalist bank? [Gets up, sees the flame in her hand] That's an old trick, anyone can do that. [Sees the tree] I'm sure that tree was standing and talking a minute ago, I must be sufferin from the DTs, Alice, can I borrow your bathroom condiments for a moment please?

Alice : Never mind that! What about the volcano? The talking and lying tree! The flame in her hand!

Tree : I wasn't lying! It was all the truth!

Chastity:[pointing to Austin]No, he's the liar.[To Austin]I suppose the words "Thieving Lawyer breaks into Convent and steals valubles" mean nothing to you! [turns away and picks up a bunch of dry grass to light] [looks at flame, to Alice] Oh, this is just a little someting I, ehem, conjured up, thank Phili.[lights grass and goes over to the tree]

Austin : [To Chastity, rapid change of temperament - to very angry] What the fuck are you talking about whore? Accusing me of stealin from the Lords house and being immoral and all, comming from a whore that's pretty rich! [Flips off Chastity] An I ain't never been no Lawyer either, crazy whore! Mind your mouth!

[CHASTITY is pretty unsuccessful at lighting the grass, but does succeed in setting fire to parts of the tree.]

Tree : Aiiieee! Help! Help! You can't do this, even your friend there disagrees with you.

Alice : I'm not her friend!

Tree : Not you, the other one.

Harvey : I'm not her friend.

Tree : Not you, the other one.

Jerome : I'm not her friend.

Tree : Not you, the other one.

Mason : I'm not her friend.

Tree : Not - ah, feck it.

Clint : I'm not her friend either. Now if you'll excuse us. [Keeps going for the waterfall]

Chastity: [to Austin]Really! I don't think I've ever heard such an outburst. If my 1st husband, George were alive today you'd regret very much saying that, as he was an accomplished pugilist in his time. I'm a devout Sister of Phili, and would care for you not to refer to me as a woman of fallen virtues and to mind your language. It's not becoming of a respectable gentleman, if thats what you aim to be. Now, if you'll excuse me, I've a bonfire to start. [Chastity goes over to an extreme limb of the tree to try and set it alight, being careful not to get caught by the tree, and not burn her fingers on the burning grass in her hand]

Tree : No! I'll catch you with my vine! [Looks down at his burning vine] Nooooo!

[As CLINT approaches the edge of the pool of the waterfall, there is suddenly a huge wave a lava washed over the top of the waterfall, showering the group in ash and sparks.]

Chastity: Argh !! [turning to run back to the main path]Did someone say something about an interesting statue we should look at? I think it's worth a look. Anyone care to join me ?

Austin : [Stares in disbelief at Chastity] What the fucks happened to her? Who the hell is Philli, I can't handel this no more![Takes something out of his pocket, puts it to his nose and snorts, shakes a little] Aaah! [ Looks around smiling and nodding then realises that nothing has changed ] Holy shit this is for real! I'm with you Clint, into the heart of the Volcanoe!

Alice : [Getting tangled up with Chastity] Get off me, you fool! Where the hell are you going?

[The lava continues to pour over the waterfall, filling the pool in the same way the blood did earlier.]

Tree : Aiieee! The pain! [Laughs hysterically] Now you're all going to die! [Screams again] Ow! [Laugs again] This is where nature gets its revenge on you plant murdering bastards!

Harvey : So now its a crime to kill vegetables? [Looks at Alice] Its an ill wind...

[The lava has now totally taken over the waterfall, and it seems to be impossible to get behind it without crossing it.]

Tree : [Laughing hysterically] The end of the world! A ha ha ha - ow!

[The lava has now totally taken over the waterfall, and it seems to be impossible to get behind it without crossing it.]

Tree : [Laughing hysterically] The end of the world! A ha ha ha - ow!

Clint : It seems to me we can't get through without crossing over the lava, we need a bridge. [Looks at the fallen tree] You know, you could become useful after all.

Chastity:[to herself] Don't Panic, Don't Panic. [Looking at the big flaming pool, now of lava] Oh, not again. [takes a deep breath to calm down, coughs and splutters] Eugh, acrid gases, oh no Alices perfume. [untangles herself from Alice, takes another breath, coughs and splutters] Eugh, acrid gases [ties head scarf to cover nose and mouth, now looking abit like a madame bank robber]

Alice : Well Chastity, that's a huge improvement!

Tree : [Angrily to Clint] You bastard! You wouldn't dare!

[The pool of lava, while extremely hot, isn't flaming that high. It is the same for the waterfall of lava, which is clearly roasting, but isn't generating huge flames. At their closes, it is about five feet to the waterfall from the edge of the pool.]

Harvey : And what, dear lady, do you propose we do once we have dumped this dumb but unfortunate creature into the red hot lava?

Alice : Hey! I thought she said we're putting the tree in!

Harvey : And what, dear lady, do you propose we do once we have dumped this dumb but unfortunate creature into the red hot lava?

Alice : Hey! I thought she said we're putting the tree in!

Clint : [To the tree] Oh yes I would. [To the others] Come on, let's move it; just make sure it doesn't bite you!

Austin : [To all] Yeah, why are we pissing around here, we should get on with this mission, we were after all, chosen by God himself [Points up, then dispondently] Somehow I thought this would all be a big cooler, being a chosen one and all, I should have brought my guitar, I could sit and write new music whilst you guys waste time in the undergrowth.

Alice : Hold on a second, why are we putting it in? Other than the fact that we want to kill it, of course.

Clint : That's already a very good reason. The next good reason is because it is not cooperating. And finally, we need a bridge to get to the other side - I can jump, but can you Alice?

Alice : [Scoffs] Of course I can! [Jumps as high into the air as she can, a good three inches.] See?

Harvey : And what happens when you've made your bridge? [Sarcastically] I suppose you'll just walk through the wall of lava, eh? Eh?

Clint : [To Harvey] Eh. [Pauses] Or we can look behind it to see if we can find any secret passage - the secret passages are always behind the waterfalls!

Harvey : How the hell do you propose to look behind it when the damned thing is a wall of flame?

Tree : Help! Help!

Clint : Right, well before I was here with you boring people discussing politics under an erupting volcano, I remember having had to dive into a pool of flaming water. I though I would be dead by now, and if I am then this clearly is hell. But if I'm not, then maybe we have to jump through the damn waterfall to get to the other side - regardless of what's there. Now I'm not feeling too keen about that, so why don't we throw the talking tree through it, to see what happens?

Tree : [Sounding as sombre as a tree can] I'm ready to meet my maker. Are you? [Dramatic pause]

Alice : We don't even know who your maker is! Why should we care?

Clint : [Still trying to get to the waterfall, avoiding the lava] It's raining fire! Dear Phili, it's the end of the world...

Chastity : Right, shall we all work together for once and move this tree over the lava? [clapping hands, as if ushering small children] Come along, chop, chop!

Clint : Remember, he who meets his maker is worthy of eternity. [Pauses, incredulous] What did I just said??? Never mind. [Pulls up his sleeves and prepares to pull the tree] Anyone wanna try this?

Alice : Pull your root? I think not!

[CLINT clearly needs help with his big root, and it looks as though three people will manage it.]

Harvey : I'll help - but what are you going to do once we've thrown this creature in the lava? In fact, why do we want to kill it at all?

Toombalah : Good question! This is my island, after all, and therefore my tree! It must be worth a fortune! [Starts to put out the fires on the tree.]

Clint : [To Harvey] We could start a bonfire and sing a few songs - it seems the lawyer is very keen on that. Or we could just see if it burns and dies, or if it crosses the lava waterfall undamaged. As I said earlier, I remember jumping through a pool of flames undamaged. I know this sounds impossible to all you modern people, but it did happened.

Jerome: Jerome is having a thought. No Mother, we won't tell them that one. The other one. Jerome's thought is this: Remember our training? We were trained to leap through walls of flame without getting hurt. Perhaps we can use this training to leap through the waterfall? Jerome will help to move the tree [grabs a branch and begins to pull]. Now, who wants to leap through the wall of lava? Come on, show some team spirit!

Alice : [Looking from Clint to Jerome] Leap through flames? What nonsense, why, I bet even David Copafeel couldn’t do that! That is the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard!

Harvey : Even more ridiculous than when that guy suggested you wrap yourself in cling film before going sunbathing.

Alice : Hey! Who knew that it would get so sweaty?

Harvey : Anyway, the point is, we did something similar back at the house - except with considerably more style, of course. Maybe this is similar?

[Together with JEROME and CLINT, HARVEY drags the TREE to the edge of the pool.]

Tree : No! No! Think of all the oxygen you’ll be deprived of without my photosynthesis!

Alice : [Snarling] Who the hell wants a tree’s holiday snaps?

Jerome: [With a glance at Alice] Don't worry, not everyone is getting as much oxygen to their brains as others -- there's plenty to go around in this group. Come on Austin, take a leap of faith. You've nothing much to live for anyways.

Chastity:[to Clint]That'll be the same flaming pool I feel through.[shudders]Eugh, I share an experience with Clint.[To Jerome]Falling through flaming pools aside, I don't know what your talking about, Training? Jumping through walls of fire? I must have been at confession at the time. Or I suppose falling through flaming pools with Clint?[shudders again]

Clint : [To Chastity] You remember??? Are you sister Chastity, and no longer that awful woman dressed with really bad taste? Hum, that really doesn't change from the Chastity I know.

Jerome: Great! Now another one of us has gone medieval. Soon we'll all be loping about, scribbling on cave walls, dressed in animal skins.

Clint : [Looking at Jerome's leopard pants] Why would we all become like you, Jerome?

Austin : [To Jermone] Yeah, you're the one who kills small and large animals and wears their skins, cave man kitten mutillator!

Jerome: These are designer pants you tasteless trailer park trash. Jerome's designs make animal skins look better on people than on the animal itself.

Austin : [To Jerome] Well in my opinion you look like a dickhead, who the hell mixes zebra skin with leopard and tiger, talk about clash!. If god had meant us to look like a zebra we would have zebra striped skin!

Chastity : [exasperatedly] Can we save the fashion victim awards for another time when we're not in danger of dying from lava flow please. The big questions seem to be: Will the tree here span the lava flow and allow us to sneak in behind the water flow? or can we jump through the lava and not look like pork scratchings on the other side ?

Clint : There's only one way to find out, let's launch the wonder talking tree through the waterfall!

Alice : [Looking at her nails] Well, Chastity, given how your skin seems to be reacting to the sun here, I think that question is already answered, don't you?

Harvey : The question I want answered is who are you? [Points at Chastity] Do you claim to be from the past, like him? [Points at Clint]

Jerome: [To Austin] Jerome is sure that god did not mean for your mother and your sister to be the same person, but that is the case, isn't it? [Help Clint move the tree into position]

Chastity : [to Harvey] It would appear that I have, somehow, just come from the same time as him[nods towards Clint], although [look down at her thin hips] not all of me seems to have made the distance. You, or a different you, claimed this happened to yourself in the past.[pauses]I think? Its all very confusing. Who are you, are you not Harvey?

Austin : [Laughs at Jerome, shaking his head] Is that the best you can come up with? At least my mother is human, which is more than I can say for you bitch of a mother! [Laughs] I dont have no sister neither.

Clint : I must say your body has improved, sis! The thought of a private moment with you suddenly doesn't make me want to puke. But take a look around, what a bunch of morons we're stuck with! [To Alice] No offense, bimbo.

Alice : [Smiles and nods back] None taken. [Smiles happily to herself for a few moments, before her face suddenly clouds over] Hey!

Harvey : Incredibly, the other Clint was even more obnoxious than this one. Perhaps we the more odious members of the group are being replaced? Guess you'll be next then, Austin.

[The TREE is now at the edge of the pool, crying and wailing as only a tree can.]

Clint : [To the Tree] Ready to fly? Let's go guys! [Starts the bouncing movement of gathering momentum to throw the tree through the waterfall]

[JEROME, HARVEY and CLINT throw the TREE, but don't get it quite as far as the waterfall. However, the TREE disappears with a scream.]

Alice : Wow! Did you see that?

Toombalah : Yeah, pretty amazing.

Alice : [Bending down to pick up a small rock, with a smooth surface] It looks just like Clint!

Clint : [To Alice] Yes, I'm a cool smooth operator. [Touches his crotch, has a childish smile again] Right, it seems we were right about this, as I clearly saw the tree disapearing. So the question is, who will jump first?

Alice : I think it should be you, Mister Smooth. Then the rest of us can run off, and leave you here! You are like a Frenchman, with your constant innuendo, crotch touching and all round anti-American behaviour!

Toombalah : God damn French! You know, if we didn't save your asses back in the war, you'd have got your butts kicked well and truly by the English.

Harvey : Actually, I think you mean Germans.

Toombalah : Ah, what the hell, Germans, French, they're all the God damned same, they all eat horse and garlic, damned bastards.

Mason : So. Do we want to send the diplomant through first? Or [gestures to Austin] the psycho? Or, [gestures to Clint] the psycho? Or, [gestures to Jerome] the psycho? Or, [sigh] I guess it doesn't really make any difference, does it?

Jerome: Jerome would rather jump through a wall of burning lava than spend one more second in the vicinity of [points at Austin with his pinky] that odious, bible humping neanderthal. [Runs towards the lava, stopping short at the edge] However, if Austin would prefer to jump first, that would serve the same purpose.

Mason : Well Austin? Are you gonna do it? You made it the first time, but are you too scared now? Too [loudly] yellow?

Clint : Yes, the lawyer should be the one. After all, he now believes in God, reborning from the ashes and all that. [Pauses] And if he dies, he'll probably go to heaven, so he's got nothing to worry about.

Austin : [Incredulously] Yellow? Lawyer? [All serious, over enunciation's evangelical style, pointing] You men are sinners, and must-a REPENT-a, for you shall burn in the firey pit of HELL-a, and you shall know that GOD is LORD-a! See now the power of the LORD! Amen. [Takes a run and jumps through the flames]

[AUSTIN disappears in a brief burst of yellow.]

Alice : [Fumbling with her camera] Right, ready! [Face drops] Aw!

Mason : Excellent - of course, it went so fast, I couldn't see if he burned or not! [Looks to the others] Okay, who's next?

Chastity: [shouting towards where Austin jumped]Austin, can you hear me? Are you OK, or have you become a tasty, yet unhealthy, savoury accompaniment to my annual Christmas sweet sherry?

[A few moments pass, and there is no word from AUSTIN.]

Mason : Looks like there's only one way for you to check what happened to him? [To the others] Do you believe? Do you BELIEVE?

Alice : No I don't! No I don't believe what is going on here - Austin has just risked his life, and could be dead, and none of you care! And you - [rounds on Chastity, pointing at her angrily] you claim to be a nun from a past life? What the hell kind of fucked up nuns did they have back then?

Jerome: [Dusting off his hands] Well, that's that. No point in making a scene. Why don't we go back and see where the other trail leads, shall we? [Offers his arm to Alice]

Chastity: [to Alice, dismissively]Astute ones, partial to savoury snacks. [to Clint]Can you use your chop...I mean sword to take the high heals off these shoes. I'm unsteady enough with these on without trying to leap lava flows in them !

Alice : [Slapping Jerome's arm away] Keep that thing away from me. [To the others] Look, I'm confused. Do we jump through the lava? Or do we go back on the path?

Harvey : [Looking at Chastity tettering around, before turning to Alice] Indeed, my dear, just so! Let us first check what is along the path before making our decision. Around that bend might be a four star hotel with swimming pool and Dos Equis on tap!

Alice : Dos Equis, you say? Hmm. On the other hand, maybe Austin needs our help? He was brave enough to jump through after all, and it would be pretty mean to just head off and leave him. [Looks off into space] Mmm, dos equis....

Harvey : Ah, that cool crisp Mexican nectar of the Gods! [Looks glumly at the lava] However, Alice is, surprisingly, correct. We can not just leave Austin! We are all in this together, and together we must remain! [Points at a bush] Who knows what demonic shrubbery may even now be wrapping it's hellspawn buds around Austins throat! Who?

Alice : Er, are you asking us? Or the bush?

Harvey : Would it make any difference?

Alice : You'd probably show a bit more consideration and respect to the bush.

Harvey : I have no love for bush, my dear. Well, what is it to be, everyone? I think we should follow Austin!

Alice : I think you should jump into the lava.

Jerome : Oh, for God's sake. I'm sick of you all, sick of you, I say! [Runs and jumps, disappearing in the same manner as AUstin]

Harvey : Good grief! What a commoner! A veritable plebian! [Sniffs and looks at the lava] Just think how soundly the endangered animals of the world will sleep tonight! [Looks around the group] Are we all agreed then? I will see you all on the other side. [Leaps into the lava]

Alice : [Nonchalantly, as Harvey disappears] So, let's check out this hotel then.

Mason : Good idea, I'm parched.

Chastity:[takes off shoes][to Clint] I'll do this myself then [breaks high heals off the shoes, and puts them back on] Should have known you'd not be up to using your chopper. [looks horrified] Eugh, what sort of thing am I saying. I must remember to wash my mouth out with soap later. [Turn to lava]Hmm, is this a case of fools rush in, or is it more a leap of faith ? [Tosses a coin]Phili guide me [Look's at coin] Oh, right then [runs and jumps through the lava waterfall]

Mason : [Watching Chastity disappear, before picking up the coin] Well, well. Looks like the drinks are on me.

Alice : Oh, and I thought you were just sweating a lot.

Clint : [Drawing his sword] Come on, guys, I know you don't mean it. [Jumps through]

Alice : I did mean it.

Mason : No you didn't. [Jumps through]

Alice : [To Toombalah] I really did mean it, you know?

Toombalah : [Slicks back his hair with some spit] So, you wanna check out that hotel?

[ALICE jumps through the lava.]

[Book II, Act VI, Scene II. Behind the Waterfall. Saturday, February 8th, 1997, 5.30pm. ALICE, MASON, JEROME, HARVEY, AUSTIN, CLINT and CHASTITY are here, having appeared behind on the other side of the lava. This is a small dry cave, with an exit leading off to one side. There is a small pedastal in the middle, from which AUSTIN appears to have taken a sword. The sword appears to be speaking to him.]

Sword : Do not toy with me, mortal, for I have more power than you could possibly imagine!

Alice : Talking swords? What the hell is going on here?

Austin : [Practice swiping in the air, To Alice] This is Scary Swordy, that apparently has more power than in this whole universe, and it's not a toy, even if it does look more fake than my gun. I can't find the off switch though, I gues I'll figure it soon, it's probably a cool secret switch [Examines the hilt of the sword carefully]

Alice : Scary Swordy? That's a strange name for something so -

Sword : [Shouting] Silence! I am Beaucaphalus the Wonder Sword. Do not mock me!

Austin : [To Beaucaphalus] oh Dear, you really are a talking sword aren't you. [Pauses, thinking] Could you help me kill the anti-christ Contagion guy properly? I mean if you're like err.. a light sabre wouldn't that hurt him so as he couldn't regenerate?

Beaucaphalus : [Indignantly] A light sabre? What the hell do you mean by that? Feel the weight!

Austin : [Surprised, to Beaucaphalus, holding the sword as if the hilt was a mobile] Err.. I meant light as in glowy, shiny, you know, day-light, sunshine, not light as in not heavy. Anyhow if I stab Contagion in the back with you will it hurt him propery. Like, will he die?

Beaucaphalus : [With no small amount of satisfaction] Hah! I prefer you much more than the Austin - you snivel way better. Of course we can kill Contagion - I was born for all this kind of thing - slaying bad guys, killing dragons and bringing light where there is darkness.

Alice : Wow! You're a torch too? I have key-ring like that. You can turn it on so you can find it in the dark.

Jerome : Let's see it.

Alice : Er, I can't find it to turn it on, its too dark!

Jerome: [Moving close to Alice] Don't be afraid, Jerome is here to protect little Alice [Tries to put his arm around her] Shhh! Not now Mother. [To Alice, almost whispering] You know, the world is likely to end soon. Why don't we sneak off together before that fool with the phallic symbol gets us all killed.

Austin : [To Beaucaphalus] Me? Snivel? Shit, the other Austin must be one cool customer, I guess it figures if us lot are the worst ever through time, I just had all the bad luck. [Does a practice swipe with Beaucaphalus] Dragon slaying sound like the kind of heroic thing I never had the chance to do!

Alice : [Pushing Jerome away in disgust] Mother? Oh God, not again! You're worse than my husband!

Mason : [Sorting back some phlegm] Okay, are we going to kill Contagion? Sorry, I thought I was up and running, but then everything went to crap. I should be back in a few hours... ----- Original Message -----

Sent: Monday, September 03, 2001 6:03 PM one cool I just slaying

Harvey : We've got to find him first, Mason. [Gives his own sword a little shake and taps the pommel a few times, before listening carefully]

Mason : Well said, Harvey, what a brilliant mind you must have. Now, which of the many exits do you think we should take?

Harvey : [To Mason] Hey Sarky, when did your seven little friends kick you out of their house? [Walks to the exit]

Mason : [Smiles] I guess that means I've got seven friends more than you'll ever have, hatboy.

Clint : Beaucaphalus? What are you doing here?

Beaucaphalus : Is that really you, Stinky? Cocan said that some of you would be here.

Harvey : [Sniffs] There is nothing wrong with preferring my own company, little man. I find that people force themselves upon my greatness, hoping that some of my glory will rub off on their prolish, redundant little lives. I stand at the bar by myself, for I prefer my own thoughts, to those of an drunk office secretary from Croydon, telling me how wonderful I was in 'This Cup Of Tea Has Your Name On It.' Tell me Mason, when you stand at the bar, how long is it before the barman notices?

Mason : It depends - if you're in the corner giving a blowjob to some producers, it can often take a while.

Beaucaphalus : [Roars with laughter] Excellent! Harvey giving head! Moowahahaha!

Harvey : And you'd be watching, would you? That would certainly explain why people get sticky knees leaning against the bar.

Mason : I would have thought it more likely that they'd get them from kneeling in a sticky substance.

Harvey : No doubt a pearl necklace of wisdom given you by your dear old mum, eh?

Beaucaphalus : Which is quite unlike the pearl necklace you no doubt like to wear when prancing about.

Jerome: [To Mason and Harvey] Stop flirting, you two. We have some serious business to attend to. [Wiggles his eyebrows at Alice]

Mason : I can't help it, [sigh] he's just such a man.

Beaucaphalus : Enough! I am Beaucaphalus The Wonder Sword! Waste not my time with your petty bickering. We must head deeper into the mountain to cut off Contagion's link with the past - and let's keep awake, there are quite a few little Contagion's in there.

Chastity:[Looking down at her necklace made of pearls][to Mason, naively] Did I get this from your Mum? I don't feel any wiser ? [To Beaucaphalus] How did you end up here ? And will Contagion be able to detect you? You did kill his brother after all.

Beaucaphalus : My guess is that you got it from one of your clients. [Gives a little snigger] Anyway, it was Cocan who put me here, after he fought against Contagion on his own when the rest of them ran away. [Sigh] What a guy!

Harvey : If you're such a valuable wonder sword, why didn't Cocan keep you, instead of handing you over to a bunch of incompetents?

Alice : [Indignantly] Speak for yourself! That only happens to me when I've had too much to drink!

Beaucaphalus : Its because I'm such a valuable wonder sword that he could hand me over to a much of incompetents.

Austin : [Eyeing up Beaucaphalus] How much do you reckon you're worth then?

Beaucaphalus : Let me put it this way, how much are your lives worth collectively?

Jerome : [To Chastity] Five hundred bucks, yeah?

Austin : [To Beaucaphalus] You don't think very highly of yourself do you? Have you ever thought of going to church?

Harvey : [Shocked] Five hundred? Good God woman, what do you do for five hundred dollars? Certainly don't put it back into cosmetic improvements!

Beaucaphalus : Look guy, where I come from, there is an entire church built around me. Now, either you can show me a little respect, or you can try can kill the bad guy without me.

Harvey : Well, I was wrong, there is something on this planet more objectionable than [indicates Mason] Sarky.

Jerome : Hm, I'd be kind of interested in hearing the answer to that myself.

Mason : Why of course Harvey, and that's you. [Smiles]

Harvey : Tell me Mason, how did you train that tight little arse of yours to speak for you?

Mason : Simply by trying to mimic your more well known speeches by farting. Surprising how few people can tell the difference.

Jerome : Enough! We are here to save the world, not listen to the two of you draw handbags at twenty paces.

Beaucaphalus : Ah, even in this lifetime, Jerome talks sense.

Austin : [To all] Let's go get this mother fucker then [Walks deepr into the cave, stops] Come on then, what the fuck are you waiting for? Death? [Feverishly enthusiastic] The Lord almighty God himself stands beside us! Advance now and see his might! [Waves Beaucaphalus in the air]

Mason : Okay - so who goes in the front with Bronson here?

Harvey : I will. [Moves next to Austin]

Chastity: [To Jerome and Harvey]Five Hundred dollars? I wouldn't know what to do with such a sum of money. My first husband, George, would handle the accounts when we were married. That tradition was pretty much carried on by my second husband, George, but he wasn't quite as frugal as George, my third husband. I'd probably use it to replace some of the possessions that were stolen from the Convent of Phili once [throws a glare at Austin] Oh, and probably a pair of sensible shoes [looks down at her feet, still clad in high heel-less high heel shoes] Anyway lets combat evil.[heads purposefully towards exit behind Austin, Mason and Harvey] by third

Jerome: Jerome will take up the rear guard. By staying behind Harvey, Jerome is protecting his rear!

Harvey : No need to worry Jerome, I woundn't go anywhere near your fat saggy arse! Except with perhaps a large cattle prod.

Chastity: [removes headscarf from around head/face]Has anyone got a stick or something to tie this round to make a torch to light our way?

Clint : Suits me, Trindle. I'll go alongside the Bimbo. [Flashes Alice a toothy smile] Hi Bimbo.

Alice : [Irritated] Stop calling me that - and what the hell is that smell?

[The group walk on a short bit, and suddenly CONTAGION's head drops from the roof, landing a short distance in front of them. It is basically a full sized head, but with tiny arms and legs, so it is only about three feet tall. In each of his arms, he holds a tiny sword.]

Contagion : [Holding the swords up in front of him] Because, in the end, there will be more than one.

Alice : You could use Harvey's cattle prod, or, actually, do we even need a torch, because look how Contagion's glowing red eyes light the place up.

[CONTAGION says nothing, but swipes his swords around incredibly quickly, making a kind of "whoo whoo" sound.]

Mason : Eh, [snort] bad guy alert!

Jerome: A giant mouse trap would come in handy at the moment.

Harvey : [To Austin] Well, go on, show us what your incredible and modest wonder blade can do!

Alice : [Shrieks with fear and grabs hold of Clint] Oh no! On top of having to kill the devil we also have to contend with mice!

Clint : Hey girl, those are pretty sharp nails you've got there.

Alice : They're not my nails.

[CONTAGION rushes forward, and strikes AUSTIN twice with his swords.]

Harvey : [Attacks Contagion with his sword]

Chastity:[stepping back from Austin & Contagion, mumbling and concentrating]Protect us Phili

Jerome: Come on Harvey! Give him head!

Beaucaphalus : Come on Austin!

Austin : Die, scum! [Swings Beaucaphalus]

[HARVEY's blow catches the top of CONTAGION's head, and quite easily slices a chunk off, which flies over to one side. AUSTIN also strikes him, cutting off an arm.]

Contagion : [Screaming in what appears to be a mixture of pain and pleasure] There can be more than one! [Swipes his remaining sword at Austin, hitting him again.]

Chastity: [Stepping back from Austin & Contagion, mumbling and concentrating] Protect us Phili.

[The slab of head cut off by HARVEY seems to be growing.]

Harvey : [Looks at the slab of head] Oh Jesus! Okay, looks like the magic sword is the only weapon we can use against him. Any normal blade just causes him to reproduce! [Lashes at Contagions head with his foot]

Chastity: Maybe if we throw the cut off pieces in the lava, we'll soon have this evil whittled down to size.

Clint : What pieces of lava? What are you talking about nun? [HARVEY kicks CONTAGION while AUSTIN swings his sword at him, both connect. CONTAGION gives a scream, and falls to the ground, not moving. Almost instantaneously, the slab of head that HARVEY cut off, leaps to its feet, looking identical to the original one. It looks like it is wearing a trenchcoat, and produces two more swords from underneath it.]

Contagion : You ain't seen nothing yet! [Swings the swords around in the air a few times]

Alice : [Straining to see] Crikey, he'd be great in a Japanese restaurant, wouldn't he?

Harvey : What a strange accent he has! I can't understand a word he's saying! [Tries to kick Contagion #2] Come on Austin!

Alice : Come on! Come on! [Pokes Chastity] You're supposed to be one of the original party, can't you cast a spell or something?

Chastity:[snaps at Alice]I WAS about TO, if you'd NOT do that! Why don't you do something to help for once?

Alice : Well, excuse me! Sheesh, [to Clint] is she this obnoxious back in your time?

Clint : Sure it, but the Alice we have there is far worse than she is.

Alice : Well, that's good to hear.

Clint : But not half as obnoxious as you are.

[HARVEY and AUSTIN attack the new CONTAGION, and again AUSTIN's sword hits, as HARVEY's kick makes CONTAGION stagger slightly. AUSTIN's swing almost cuts him in half, and he is clearly wounded, but swings back, catching AUSTIN with both his swords.]

Contagion drop them

Harvey : [Looks at Austins wounds] Give me the sword Austin, and move back. You're on deaths door and one more attack will finish you!

Austin : You're on, Harv! [Throws Beaucaphalus to Harvey.] Now, go get him!

[Meanwhile, CHASTITY seems to mumble another incantation, and, although nothing seems to happen, CONTAGION is clearly disturbed by something. Soon after, however, he swipes at AUSTIN again, hitting him twice, before HARVEY kills him with BEAUCAPHALUS. All the CONTAGIONs are now dead.]

Alice : Whoo! We've won! We've won!

Harvey : [Looks stunned] Good God, what a battle! [Turns and sees Austin and looks at Mason] That's one less Hierophantic membership application. Well, can we go on now that one of us is dead? Is the chain broken?

Alice : Dead? [Looks up to Austin] Oh no! Austin!

Mason : [Rolls the body over with his foot] Yep, dead alright. [Looks grimly at Harvey] We've no choice but to go on.

Chastity : [Goes over and looks at Austin] I don't whether to be sad, happy or indifferent. So many forgotten emotions. [Shrugs] Well, except maybe the indifference. [To Mason, gesturing to Austins corpse] I'm afraid resurrection is a bit beyond me, best rifle through his pockets.

Mason : Good idea. [Empties out Austin's pockets, revealing Harvey's wallet, Clint's car keys, Jerome's wallet, Chastity's purse and some of Alice's underwear.]

Alice : What the hey!

Harvey : [Cleans Beaucaphalus on Contagions coat] Okay, two down, one more Contagion to go. [Looks at Clint] I thought you were this fearsome warrior, sent here to help us? Why did you stand back and ridicule Alice?

Clint : Because if I stood too close, she might slap me. The other one always does. And, Harvey, I am a fearsome warrior - but as you said yourself, only Beau here can hurt Contagion. What was the point of me getting involved when the lawyer here had the sword?

Beaucaphalus : Er, what makes you think there's only one left?

Harvey : [To Clint] What was the point? Perhaps you should have taken this sword from Austin, considering you are the one who is most proficient in it's use, sir!

Clint : Forget it, this Austin was clearly a maniac, and he would never give me back the sword. He died for a good cause. Besides, there still might be a way to get him back. [Looks at Alice's tummy, then smiles at Chastity] You never know. Now if you want to avoid any more deaths, you will hand me the wonderful Beaucaphalus.

Chastity : [Looks at Alice's tummy, then at the smiling Clint] Oh, no, don't think about it, you beast! [Picks up her purse in the pile of belongings from Austin's pocket] This is mine, I think. [Checks the contents inside] Now, Harvey, how do you know there is another Contagion left? And will he have a head? And if not, will Jerome make a head gag at your expense?

Beaucaphalus : I think you should know, that when Cocan and I attacked Contagion, it turned out that only one of you lot can use me. That resulted in the creation of a couple more Contagions.

Harvey : [To Clint] No. We can't rely on you. [To Beaucaphalus, slowly] How many more Contagions...exactly.

Clint : [Pointing at Austin] Then I suppose you'll be the next. Not a huge loss, really. I'll just stay behind and keep Alice company [two thumbs up at Alice, with a malicious grin]

Beaucaphalus : [As the party go further along the corridor] Exactly? I couldn't really say.

[The party come to a large wooden door, that looks like it pulls in, but has no keyhole.]

Harvey : [Shrugs] Looks like that's about all you're good for.

Alice : Oh that's great Harvey, annoy the only person here who can use a sword properly!

Mason : A-ahem.

Alice : Oh no! He's going to choke!

Harvey : [To Beaucaphalus] Now, when you say you couldn't tell exactly, do you mean you can't count, or...[gulps] there were, um, quite a few?

Beaucaphalus : Let's just say there were more Contagions than you could shake a sword at!

Harvey : [Sighs] That's what I was afraid of! [Tries the door]

Clint : Isn't it great, Beaucaphalus, you've got a faggot handling you! Be careful with the holes he'll put you in... [Creak! The door slowly opens, revealing hundreds of tiny CONTAGIONs.]

Contagions : [Speaking together with one voice] In the end, there will be more than one.

Clint : Oh great. A bad guys' kindergarden. [Tries to close the door]

Chastity : Who is the right one to use the sword now, by the way ?

Jerome: [Helps Clint close the door] Why don't we dress Storm in one of those little coats? He could infilitrate the Contagionettes and find out what's going on in there.

[As CLINT and JEROME pull the door closed, one of the CONTAGION's sticks his head in it, getting jammed in it, and keeping the door open. The head takes on a peculiar expression which looks like a mix of extreme pain and pleasure. The door, which opens in to the room is now slightly ajar.]

Alice : Oh no! What are we going to do? It looked like those guys didn't have swords, do they have them hidden somewhere Mason?

Mason : [Glaring at Jerome, before turning to Alice] No, I think most of the Contagions are unarmed, and will try and bite and scratch. The large brown table at the end is, as far as I know, a teleport device to Contagion's link with the past. Once we destroy that, he'll be finished.

Alice : And what was in the centre of the room?

Mason : I'm not sure what it is, but Cocan said you need it to defeat Contagion.

Alice : How do we get to it?

Mason : [Peering through the open door] Er, defeat Contagion?

Harvey : [Jaw still hanging open] Dear God in Heaven! Cocan isn't the brightest bulb in the box, is he! [To Beaucaphalus] How long did it take you both to realise that you'd created thousands of new Contagions?

Jerome : And how the hell do you suggest we do that?

Beaucaphalus : It took about two seconds, gayboy! But he had no choice, it was the only way in which he could get out of the cave - the cave in which, may I add, he saved your sorry asses!

Harvey : All right, all right, keep your pommel on! So, what do you suggest we do now? [Turns to the others] We'll have to get to the chest somehow, and wonder boy here is our only chance. I also think, regardless of what I said only minutes before, Clint should take the sword. [Holds Beaucaphalus out to Clint] teleport table

Chastity : [Peers through the ajar door] Where is this teleport table? spell (a level 2 AD&D priest spell) on the table, which if it works, will make it twist and explode.

Beaucaphalus : Come on Stinky, you've been waiting years for this chance.

[Meanwhile, some of the CONTAGIONs begin pulling at the door, trying to get it open.]

Alice : [Peering at the visible ones] Eauh! Look, it seems that whatever appendage was cut off seems to just grow feet and face! And look! [Shrieks] How did they cut that off?

Contagion : [One that looks kind of like a finger] I'm a finger, you dumb bitch.

Alice : Sound more like a dickhead to me!

Chastity : [Peers through the ajar door] Where is this teleport table? [Spots the table and begins muttering an incantation.]

[Despite CHASTITY's mutterings, nothing seems to happen to the table.]

Harvey : [To Clint] For Gods sake, man! Come on! [Swipes at the closest Contagions] [HARVEY cuts one with his sword, and it falls dead.]

Clint : [Grabbing Beaucaphalus] Give it to me, that's not how you do it! [Looks through the door] Well nun, looks like whatever you tried to do, didn't work. What's the plan?

Chastity : [Looks slightly disapointed] Poop, I suppose that would have been too easy! [To Clint] Plan? Plan? When have we ever had a plan ? [Pulls a small can of mace from bag and sprays it at the nearest Contagion] Take that Evil Body Part.

Harvey : Plan? Why, wade in there cutting them down! Get to the chest in the middle and open it! What could be easier?

Clint : Top idea, Colonel. Off you go. [Holds Beaucaphalus out to him]

Harvey : Colonel? What are you talking about man? Anyway, you are the expert here, I do believe.

Mason : [To Clint] Look shit for brains, you have to kill them with Beaucaphalus and get to the box now. Some of the party will probably die. Hopefully. [Scratches his arse and sniffs his finger]

Clint : [To Mason] Hooooo boy, wait until the fight is over, I'll kick your arse so strong that you won't be able to feel it even if Harvey went in there! [Takes another swing at the little Contagions]

Chastity : [To Clint] Away you go then, we're behind you all the way. Or is that way behind you far away? I can never remember. Just mind to lift your feet when you running through the developing slaughter, otherwise you'll trip over all those small things! And scuff your shoes.

Mason: [TO CLint] I'm shaking in my boots! NOT! [Sneers, sorts back up what ever came out and swallows] Harveys dick is so small even your tight arse wouldn't feel it, so get killing, [To all] what the hell are you waiting for? Pillimass? Get in there all of you and open that box or you'll all die. what ever wouldn't Pillimass?

Jerome: A flame thrower would come in handy. Do either of you ladies have any hairspray? Harvey?

[The door is now wide open, but the CONTAGIONs are simply standing where they were, waiting for the party.]

Alice : Hold on, I'm confused - do we all go in? Or do we just send in Clint?

Mason : [To the celing] Philli on a bike! [To Alice] You go in one at a time, the weakest first allowing them ample time to kill each of you as you go in, before the next one. Or, perhaps you could all rush in, Clint killing and the rest of you minding his back, open the BOX and use whatever is inside, which unfortunatley for you, probably isn't a brain, but that wont matter because Jeronimo here [Point to Jerome] Will do your hair for you before you go! [Furiously scratches his groin]

Alice : [Taking out a huge can of "Extra Heavy Duty Rock Hard Hair Spray] I have some.

Jerome: Thank you, my dear. [Takes out a lighter, aims the spray at the Contagion in the doorway, lights the lighter just under the nozzle and sprays]. Jerome used this trick once to subdue an obsessive fan.

Harvey : [To Mason] Why don't you keep your foul, toothless face shut, you ignorant little slug! Absolutely foul creature!

Alice : [Leaning over Mason] Well which is it? If he goes in himself, how will we get the sword when he gets killed? [Face drops] Hang on a second? We're all going to get killed?

[JEROME's flamethrower does the trick on those immediately around, and about twenty of them are set alight. Unfortunately, the hairspray is almost out.]

Alice : Didn't the fan blow the fire back in your face? them. I wonder if they would be faster if I sent them from my yahoo account. I might try that next week.

Mason : [Seeing Jeromes flame thrower] Dear Philli [hands on head, to Jerome] The sword the Fucking beautiful Beacaphalus, Sword of wonders is THE only thing that will kill them! Not hairspray, lava, stupidity, boredom, home cooking or [To Harvey] mincing! [To Harvey] At least my foul face isn't covered in man juice, poker smoker!

Clint : [To Beaucaphalus] Hum, what do you think? Should we just charge in, or is there a smart way outta this mess? If only we had someone with a brain around here! [Keeps swinging Beaucaphalus to keep the little Contagions at distance]

[The CONTAGIONs run around, clearly distressed and in pain but, as MASON suggested, don't seem to be dying very much.]

Beaucaphalus : Well said Clint, lets ask Ali- nah, let's just decide ourselves. I think we should all charge in towards that box. If Stinky here gets it, someone pick me up and we'll carry on.

Mason : [Snort] Neayark! I have an orb that will give us about ten seconds protection - I suggest we use it when we get to the box. If we get to the box.

Chastity : [ Pulls from her bag a large can of "Flowery Summer Meadows B.O. Bash pour femme" and a lighter ] Fine, lets go before I die from hunger. All this burning flesh is reminding of my 2nd husband, George. He always was a dab hand at the barbeque. We can try and keep some of the Contagions at bay with the flames as well.

Jerome: Well, it may not kill them, but we can run past the flaming ones when they stop, drop, and roll. [To Clint] Jerome will cover your back with his flamethrower and gun. Let's go!

Harvey : Alright. Let's do it! [Indicates the door] Clint, if you please?

Clint : [Producing a pocket size bottle of Louis XIV] I've been keeping this one for a special occasion. [Downs a little, then spills the rest over some of the little Contagions] Flame them! CHAAARGE!!!

Mason : [Whips out his orb] Neayark [some thing seems to be a little stuck] huuckk! [Spits the offending phlegm in a Contagions eye]

Chastity : [Follows Clint into the room, selectively flaming any Contagions getting too close, and singing] Come on bodypart, light my fire.

[The party, lead by CLINT tear into the room, causing the CONTAGIONs to push apart from a combination of the flame thrower and BEAUCAPHALUS. They are now about halway to the black box.]

Beaucaphalus : Yeeeha!

Alice : We're gonna make it! We're gonna make - ow! [One of the Contagion's bites her right calf]

Harvey : [Kicks the nearest Contagion in the head] Back, you foul little proles!

Mason :[To ALice] Complacancy will get you nowhere! Pay attention. [Snort, gulp] Go for the BOX!

[Between CLINT and CHASTITY's weaponry, the party get to the middle of the box, with each person having at least two CONTAGIONs hanging off them.]

Mason : [Producing the orb] Okay, this will give us about a minute to figure out what is in here.

[All the CONTAGIONs hanging onto the party immediately whither and die. In the middle is a black chest, which doesn't appear to be open.]

Clint : Oh great, a chinese puzzle, in my time this is how I used to deal with these! [Kicks the box to try to open it]

[CHASTITY starts to incant something, but is interrupted by CLINT kicking the chest. The chest flies open, to reveal a small stone table, with a concave (bowl-shaped top). Inside the bowl are three jars, upside down, each containing a different colour liquid, red, blue and green. If one of the jars is lifted, its contents will pour into the bowl.]

Jerome : [Loudly] No one touch anything! Lets discuss this before anyone does something stupid.

[ALICE accidently pokes herself in the eye.]

Jerome : [Sigh] Too late.

Harvey : [To Mason] Well, have you ever seen anything like this before?

Mason : [Glancing over his shoulder uneasily at the Contagion] I have, its an old Knight trick. If you mix the correct liquids together, there's a huge Protection From Evil spell cast, if you mix the wrong ones, well, there isn't.

Harvey : [Urgently] So what's the solution?

Mason : [To Harvey] Oh, sure, every day. Neyark! [Spits phlegm on Harveys shoe] All you do is lift the bottles in the right order, but I doubt if you lot can manage that, not without chating about something stupid first at any rate, like hair colour, or small white dogs or something dumb. [Winces and farts]

Alice : [Waving away Mason's fart, and peering closely at the liquids] I guess at least one is some kind of explosive?

Chastity : Is there some obvious order, like different light wavelengths for the different colours, they should be mixed in ? Or do we just lift them all at the same time and hide behind Mason?

Alice : [Nodding wisely at Chastity's suggestion] Yes, yes. Or if we could find a big pile of coats to hide beneath, that would do too.

Beaucaphalus : Look guys, we've got less than a minute - Cocan said that you'd know what the colours meant. If you don't know, or, as is more likely, have forgotten, why don't you try and guess what they might mean?

Chastity : If the knowledge was aquired before I inhabited this body, I obviously wouldn't have a Clue - Doh! [Hit's hand off forehead, dunce style]

Beaucaphalus : Actually, from what Cocan said, it was the original party that should have known - but hurry up! Take a guess if you can't remember!

Harvey : I think the blue might represent ice, which always appears when Contagion is coming. The red is fire, which we've used to melt the ice, and the green represents the nature and goodness. So I think the combination might be that, blue, red and then green.

Chastity : [Slowly moving behind Mason, whilst keeping an eye on the Contagions] Thats the best idea so far, maybe best go for it. Phili protect us.

Clint : I have a vague idea about someone warning me not to mix colours, but can't really remember - that always happens when I drink Vodka!

Mason : [Snorts] Excellent, excellent, memories like lobotomised lamphri! I'd go for red and blue, but that's me, not you. Are you going to try or shall we discuss it further as we are eaten alive?

Chastity : [Urgently] We're running out of time. Someone choose, what's the worst that can happen? We all die and never have to listen to this [nods to Mason] un-Phili creature again!

Beaucaphalus : Come on! Come on! There must be only forty seconds left now!

Alice : Well, I think what Harvey said about green is a good idea - you know, nature and all that. Maybe we use the green to neutralise another one? Which colour represents Contagion?

Clint : Contagion can only be red. But what is the right combination to neutralize it? If you mix red, green and blue you get white; if you mix red with green, you get yellow; red and blue, and you get lilac; green and blue, and you get cyan. Maybe mix green and blue first, so that when we mix red onto it it'll be neutralized? [Scratches his crotch] Does anything of what I just said make any sense?

Alice : No, none of it.

Beaucaphalus : Thirty seconds!

Alice : Why does Contagion have to be red? Remember what Harvey said about him being blue because of the whole ice thing? You know, when he appeared back at the house, there was always some ice appearing before him.

Clint : Ok ok, so if he's blue, then mix the two other colours first, so that when you put blue in, it'll be neutralized! No? [Scratches his head]

Alice : What? What the hell does that mean?

Mason : Neayark, point of information! There's usually only two colours mixed in these kinds of things.

Beaucaphalus : Ten seconds!

Alice : What? It was thirty seconds just a while ago.

Beaucaphalus : Oh, sorry, twenty seconds.

Alice : Phew, that's much better.

Harvey : Well, if only two colours can be mixed, then I believe red is the colour we must not use. It signifies fire, danger and speeding up at traffic lights, all bad signs. So I believe we should mix the blue with the green!

Beaucaphalus : Well do it! Do something! Someone mix them!

Jerome: Red and blue are both colours associated with blood. If you mix them you get purple, which is the symbol for royal blood. So let's mix red and blue.Wait! Red and green are Christmas colours, and Christmas can't be bad. So let's mix red and green. Wait! Blue and green give you turquoise, which is Mother's birthstone. That must be it! Blue and Green!

Mason :[Perspiring like a frog in a fryingpan] Oh Phili! Cocan said he told you! For fucks sake you dumb shits! [Scratches his groin in feverish nervous manner] We only mix two, either red-blue, or red-green, or blue green! Neayark! [Snorts, gobs on the nearest Contagion]

Mason :[Perspiring like a frog in a fryingpan] Oh Phili! Cocan said he told you! For fucks sake you dumb shits! [Scratches his groin in feverish nervous manner] We only mix two, either red-blue, or red-green, or blue green! Neayark! [Snorts, gobs on the nearest Contagion]

Beaucaphalus : Okay, Jerome said blue green, that's good enough for me! Come on, someone mix them! Five seconds! Four!

Alice : Three!

Harvey : Here goes! [Lifts the blue glass, and then the green]

Mason : [Sighs, mixes blue and green, leaves red well alone, then picks his nose whilst watching the effects] They wern't kidding when they said you lot were the lowest, scummiest incarnations ever! I feel like Indiana Jones with his senile granny helpers. Oppps, sorry I forgot, you're heros, who are going to save the world [Notices something on his fingernail and eats it] Neayark!

[HARVEY lifts the blue glass, causing the bowl to half fill with the liquid, and is immediately followed by MASON lifting the green one.]

Alice : Is it working?

[Kaboom! There is a huge explosion, engulfing everyone, including CONTAGIONs in a purple flame.]

Mason : [Tenderly getting up] Neayark! Eh, chemical reaction!

[The CONTAGIONs were blown back by the explosion, so there is a fairly large diameter of free space around the group, but are now getting up.]

Mason : [Gets up and, legs it to the table as fast as his little legs can carry him] To the table!

Alice : [Staggers to her feet] Oh my God, I think I'm still on fire! [Lurches after Mason as the Contagions close in]

Beaucaphalus : Come on Stinky! Get up! Get up!

Harvey : [Feels his face] Ahhhh, my eyebrows, my wonderful eyebrows! Gone! [Tries to run to the table]

Clint : [Getting up and running as fast as possible towards the table] Ruuuuuuuuuuuush!

[MASON reaches the table first, and is closely pursued by HARVEY, as the CONTAGIONs close in. One bites ALICE, and trips her, while two others grab onto CLINT.]

Alice : They've got me! [Falls to the ground]

Harvey : [Picks Alice up from the ground and kicks at the nearest Contagion]

Clint : [Throws a blow with Beaucaphalus to the two Contagion's grabing him] Take that, stupid leprechauns! [Immediately, two CONTAGIONs are on HARVEY, as he bends to collect ALICE. CLINT continues his run, with three CONTAGIONs hanging off him, one of whom he kills with BEAUCAPHALUS.]

Mason : [Jumps onto the table] Its not working! There's no teleporter here!

Beaucaphalus : Run, Stinky! Run! Jump onto the table!

Harvey : Oh God, she's dead also! [Tries to shake off the Contagions and jump onto the table]

Clint : [Uses Beaucaphalus to jump onto the table, pole vault style to try to avoid the Contagions]

[HARVEY leaps through the air, with the CONTAGIONs still stuck to him, but, as soon as he lands on the table, he disappears, leaving the CONTAGIONs on it. Similarly for CLINT, as soon as he and BEAUCAPHALUS land on the table, they disappear.]

Mason : Aw, shit! They could have told me that only the chosen six could use the teleporter! [Draws two swords, and cuts two nearby Contagions in half.] Neayark! Come on guys, come and get it!

Contagions : [In unison] In the end, there will be more than one.

[Slowly they drag MASON to the ground, and tear him to pieces.]

[Book II, Act VI, Scene III. The Inner Sanctum. Saturday, February 8th, 1997, 6.30pm. HARVEY, CLINT and BEAUCAPHALUS are here, lying on the floor from the transporter. This is a small cave, with two exits, east and west, both leading off to darkness.]

Beaucaphalus : [Still being held by Clint] Way to go Stinky!

Harvey : [Gets up slowly from the ground and looks around] What, only the two of us made it? Dear God, we've lost! There's no way we can face Contagion! [Examines his wounds]

Beaucaphalus : Hah! You are reckoning without Beaucaphalus The Wonder Sword!

Harvey : Beaucaphalus the what? What hell is this? Oh man! [Covers his eyes with his hands] This is Vietnum-num all over again! Charlie's in the foxholes, oh man! Oh man!

Harvey : Oh, I didn't see Clint lying there. [Checks to see if Clint is alive]

Clint : [Pointing to Harvey with Beaucaphalus] Shut it, city boy, or I'll cut you up! [Urinates in the corner]

Beaucaphalus : Hey! I hope you're going to wash your hands before touching me again!

Harvey : [Hands up] No worries, man, I won't say another word man!

Harvey : [Shocked] What..what the hell are you talking about now, Clint! How dare you tell me to shut up, I was merely checking to see if you were alive! Ungrateful sod!

Clint : [Zipping up] Feck off! [Cleans his hands on his shirt, and then picks up Beaucaphalus] Right, whereto now?

Clint : [To Harvey, still pissing, pointing at Harvey with Beaucaphalus] Are you taking the piss boy? Coz if you are I'm gonna kick your faggot butt. You'd better not get all weird cos I'll kill you!

Harvey : [Looking panic stricken] Where ever you want to go to man, I don't mind!

Harvey : Kill me? Good God man, have you gone entirely insane? We have to work together, you poltoon! Tell him it is so, Beaucaphalus!

Beaucaphalus : What the hell is going on here?

Harvey : That Welsh goat farmer is threatening to kill me, that's what's going on here!

Clint : [Looking around trying to find someone else] Are you talking to me? What's wrong with you? I never threatened you!

Beaucaphalus : What? What Welsh goat farmer?

Harvey : What? What Welsh goat farmer? What the hell are you talking about? Oh man, this is just like that crazy dream!

Harvey : Yeah man, that's right, you never did!

Harvey : [To Clint] Of course you threatened to kill me! Such hostility I've not seen since I knocked over Oliver Reeds pint!

Beaucaphalus : Hold it, hold it, hold it! Lets all just calm down a minute, there's something going on here.

Clint : [Laughs at Harveys patheticness and moves east] Can you make light Beaucaphalus?

Clint : I'm surprised you've lasted this long. I thought you were only this hopeless at adventuring, but now I see it's been a life long career of clumsiness.

Beaucaphalus : No. Can you make sense?

Clint : What was that about a dream? I remember a certain weird dream as well, and this whole situation feels like deija view, or whatever the french call it!

Harvey : Oh man, what a trip! Oh yeah, I gotta get a photo of this. [Looks down] Hey, where's my camera?

Beaucaphalus : Okay, no one's going to kill anyone, right? Clint, take out a torch, and lets head east, okay?

Harvey : Deja Vu, you ignoramus. And for you're information I knocked Oliver's drink over on purpose. It was a one of his last plays - a biographic work, "The fat drunk hard man who did loads of birds". Alas, not a critics favourite. Anyway, I'm with the sword, lets get moving. Which way is east?

Beaucaphalus : Oh great, just great. Clint, show him the way.

Clint : Ok Beauca, if you know the way! [Starts heading east] [To Harvey] What's a camera?

Harvey : Why? What has that got to do with our current situation ? I thought, we were heading east ? [Continues east]

Beaucaphalus : How the hell do I know the way? I've never been here before!

Harvey : Oh man, there are bad vibes here - lets just pick one way and use it.

[Shortly down the path, the pair come to a large wooden door.]

Beaucaphalus : Come on, kick it in!

Clint : [Kicks the door] Hello little Contagions, where are you?

Harvey : Far be it for me to put a damp squib on your suicidal enthusiasm, but if we do meet up with all the Contagions again, hadn't we better have, dare I say it, a plan?

Beaucphalus : Plans? We don't need no stinking plans! [The door flies open, to reveal a large room, with a table in the centre. On the table is what looks like a small gas lamp, and standing beside it is CONTAGION, full size, holding a huge, black sword. There are about fifty doors leading into the room.]

Contagion : [Swooping the sword around] Well done to make it this far, I didn't think that less than six of you would make it this far. [Holds the sword up in front of him] But remember, in the end, there will be more than one.

Harvey : [Drawing sword and looking round, quickly examining the doors] Ah, Contagion. See that you have left yourself many exits to escape this stage from. I assure you, this is your final death scene.

Contagion : [Shakes his head, smiling at Harvey] Lets not think of them as exits, more as [short pause] entrances.

Harvey : Oh man! Where the hell did I get this sword from?

Contagion : [Holding his huge, black sword out in front of him] Behold, Temporidus The Wonder Sword.

Beaucaphalus : Temporidus? Hey, I'm gonna kick your ass!

Temporidus : In your dreams, Beaucaphalus. You're past it - look, you've even got rust spots.

Beaucaphalus : [Screams like a girl] What the hell? What moron mixed those liquids together?

Harvey : [To Clint] Ok, Mr MoreBallsThanBrains, you're the one with the wonder sword. Maybe you should tie him up while I get that suspicious lamp on the table.

Clint : [To Contagion] You're damn right, in the end there'll be more than one - there'll be three to be precise: Beaucaphalus here, Harvey and myself. I remember beating your arse last time, along with Dangsten; seems we didn't finish our work. I'll make sure not to do the same mistake twice!

Contagion : I've a better idea. How about we kill you first?

[A door near HARVEY opens, and a CONTAGION enters. It is a foot, with tiny arms and legs, which immediately jumps on HARVEY, pulling him to the ground.]

Harvey : Aiiee! What the hell is it?

Contagion : [As the other Contagion continues to chew on Harvey] This time you're on your own. [Another two Contagions enter the room, as Contagion moves towards Clint] Let's do it!

Harvey : Aiiee! Get off me evil foot jam fiend !

Clint : [Holding Beaucaphalus steadily with two hands] You stand no chance, you piece of shit. Prepare to die! [Silently, to Beaucaphalus] Fuck, he's gonna kick our asses!

Harvey : Aiiee! Get off me evil foot jam fiend !

[Another four CONTAGIONS, of various appendages enter the room. Meanwhile, the one attacking HARVEY bites again.]

Harvey : I - he's killing me. I - uh. [Dies.]

[A strange vapour gathers around HARVEY, made up of three different colours. All around, sparks and tiny flashes of lightening bounce about, clearly coming from the three colours.]

Contagion : [Attacks Clint] Just you three now!

[CLINT parries the blow, but it nearly knocks him to the ground.]

Clint : [To Contagion] Three? The asshole can't even count! Come on Beaucaphalus, show him who's in charge here! [Throws a blow at Contagion]

[The two fight, but CLINT is quickly surrounded by the other CONTAGIONS who also attack. CLINT kills one, but the others get blows in, sending him to his knees.]

Beaucaphalus : Come on, Stinky! Get up!

Temporidus : Looks like you're heading for the melting pot, Beau!

Contagion : Any last words, Clint?

Clint : I would like to die side by side with the great Colonel. He was a great warrior. Well, at least 800 years ago. [Tries to head for Harvey's body]

Contagion : Aw, that's touching. Of course, you didn't give my brother a last wish, did you? [Kicks Clint, knocking him away from Harvey, before `raising his sword to kill him.]

Beaucaphalus : Well, Stinky, it was a pleasure working with you!

[As CONTAGION prepares to make the killing blow, enter HARVEY, through one of the doors, looking several years older than the HARVEY from the original party.]

Contagion : What hell? I just killed you! [Motions for one of the other Contagions to advance on Harvey]

Harvey : Sir, I think you picked the wrong Harvey to kill. [Executes an incredible martial arts move on the Contagion, sending him flying into the lantern, smashing it to the floor]

Contagion : [Gasping in amazement] You don't know martial arts! [Begins to gasp, as though suffocating.]

Harvey : Correction, I didn't. Isn't time travel wonderful?

[Enter ALICE and CLINT, through two different doors, both older than their original counterparts. ALICE is wearing elaborate chainmail armour, and is still pregnant, while CLINT has long hair, and is wearing a tie-dyed shirt and all manner of love beads.]

Clint : [Gives a peace sign to Contagion] Believe me, Contagion, if there was any other way, I'd have found it.

Alice : [Drawing two short swords, and flipping them around in the air] Let's just kill the fucker. Ready girls? [Slices the nearest two Contagions into pieces, which just lie there motionless.]

Clint : You know, Alice, I think I preferred when you were a nice, innocent girl, full of naive hope.

Alice : [Points one sword at Clint] And I preferred you when you were still a man. Cutting off Harvey's finger wasn't reason enough to turn into a damned hippy.

Clint : [Shakes his head slightly] No, Alice. I caused such anger in him that I had to renounce my evil ways. [Casts a spell on the nearest Contagions, causing them to freeze. There is now just one left.]

[Another door opens, and JEROME enters, picking up BEAUCAPHALUS. JEROME now has a beard, with flecks of grey in it, and is dressed in black armour.]

Jerome : [To Contagion] In the end, there will be none.

Beaucaphalus : Your ass is mine, Temporidus.

Temporidus : Come and get me, gay blade!

[They fight, with ALICE and HARVEY attacking the choking CONTAGION from behind, knocking him to the ground.]

Clint : [Pouring out four measures of Louis XIV] I have to say guys, I don't like all this underhand backstabbing that seems to be going on.

[CONTAGION looks up, as JEROME delivers the final, fatal blow.]

Contagion : You - can't - stop - Contagion. [Falls face down.]

Harvey : Yeah, yeah, yeah. [Picks up Temporidus] He is a fine looking sword, Beaucphalus.

Beaucaphalus : Shove it up your ass, fat boy.

Alice : Come on, Clint, we need to bring back Temporidus to get the others back.

Clint : Easy, Alice. Let's first drink a toast to our deceased friends, to Chastity and Austin!

All : [Barely audible over the sound of hundreds of tiny Contagions bursting into pieces all over the volacano] To Chastity, and to Austin.

Alice : Wow! That drink is amazing, I'm suddenly feeling all mellow. Maybe you had a point, Clint.

Clint : Strangely enough, Bimbo, I'm feeling kind of ornery, as though I'd kill to get some more! [Turns to the other Clint, who is staggering to his feet] Keep the faith, brother!

[Exit ALL, through the door HARVEY and CLINT came in through.]

[Book II, Act VI, Scene IV. The Sanctuary. ALICE, CHASTITY, JEROME, HARVEY, AUSTIN, CLINT, PETER, SVEN and DARIUS are here. The party are all streteched out on large comfortable animal skins, in a cool, dark room, illuminated by candles. The party are slowly stirring, and ALICE is the first to flicker her eyes open.] `

Sven : [Clapping his hands together with a guffaw] Haw! I knew they'd make it, I just knew it! [To Darius] When will they wake?

Darius : In the next few moments - to them, the events with Contagion will have seemed like a very vivid dream, each of them will be aware of what happened, from their perspective. Generally, the lower the intellect, the quicker the person will wake.

Alice : [Shutting her eyes again] Er, snore!

Chastity : [Shaking leg, still sleeping] Remove my appendage from your mouth. [Grimaces] Oh no, not again !

Clint : [Eyes wide open] Hey!, I know that voice! [Spots Sven, runs headlong onto him and knocks him onto the ground] Sven ol'pal! Ah! [Punches him hard on the shoulder]

Austin : [Opens one eye slyliy] I just had the strangest dream. [Checks his fingernails idly]

Alice : [Stretching lazily] Hey, my foot is wet. [Looks over] Oops, sorry Chas!

Sven : [Wrestling with Clint on the floor] Hey, you old bastard, good to see you.

Peter : What a thrill it is to see men who aren't afraid of expressing their feelings towards each other.

Clint : [Looking at Peter's trendy clothes] What a thrill it is to see man who aren't afraid of wearing tights.

Chastity : [Still sleeping] No, George, put it away. The children will hear. [Wakes up to be faced with Alices foot] Oh, oh that's the source of the cheesy smell. [Sits up to see what the commotion with Sven and Clint is]

Alice : No, Chastity. [Points at Clint] That's the source of the cheesy smell! Conor #7

Chastity : [To Alice] That'll be due to all those waving overactive sweat glands [Stands up and goes towards to Sven and Clint] Now you two stop that rough and tumble. It all seems like fun now, but it'll all end in tears, mark my words.

Austin : [To Chastity] Oh, do please leave them alone. Why do you have to interfere with everything? [Examines Maplin catching the light as he moves through the air with the grace of a butterfly]

Sven : [Straightening himself up] Sorry, Sister Chastity. Wise words from you as usual. How are you all after your, er, experience?

Alice : What experience? The one with the really big Toblerone bar?

Sven : [Makes to say something, but stops] Er, yes.

Alice : Not very good at all, I won't be doing that again in a hurry.

Clint : [To Darius] You... you!!! [Rushes for Darius] You're the bastard that cut the rope when we were crossing the bridge! [Suddenly stops and looks confused] Aren't you? Or was that a dream? And if that was a dream... [Puts his hand into his trousers]

Austin : [To Clint, sneering lightly] Is it still there? I take it that your otherself had none! [Smirks]

Alice : [With disgust, to Austin] Whereas your current self also has none.

Darius : [Inches away from the angry Clint, speaking completely calmly] Yes I am, and yes it was. Welcome to the Hierophantic Knights.

Chastity : My good man, does that mean welcome to the organisation? Or does it mean welcome to your home? Or should it have been pronounced "Well, come to"? You know, with proper pronounciation, these kind of misunderstandings wouldn't occur.

Darius : [Smiles at Chastity] I meant, welcome to our organisation. You are all now initiate Knights.

Austin : [Smiles] Excellent, you may all now refer to me as Sir. [Gets out a ciggarette (one of those long posh ones), places it in his platinum and white gold holder, lights it and takes a small draw] I shall have to get new headed writing paper.

Clint : [Taking his hand off his crotch, with a huge air of disappointment] Ah, crap! 'twas all a dream alright! [Looking around] Does this mean that you're all the party I know now?

Alice : You mean, like this? [Takes out some writing paper and scrunches it up into a ball. She then throws it up in the air and tries to head it, misses. Throws it up again and misses again. Throws it up a third time, and misses yet again.] Well, you know what I mean.

Peter : [To Austin] That presupposes that you actually have someone to write to.

Sven : [Ruffling Clint's hair playfully] Haw! Its not all that bad, is it Clint? You're back with all your old friends, back in your original body! Wow! Doesn't it feel great to have everything back the way it was before?

Clint : [Looking at Jerome] Well at least he's not dressed in leopard tights anymore! However him [pointing at Austin] definitely improves in the future - not that that's very hard.

Austin : [Acts like Peter doesn't exist. To Alice] No, not that kind of headed. Do you remember the letters they sent to you father from finishing school, that had the address of the school pre-printed on the top of the paper upon which the letter was written? That is what one was refering to when one said headded note paper. I use alot of it, being a lawyer, I have to write many letters to many very, opulent and important members of society. headed. that which the note many

Jerome: [Just waking, he pulls out a notebook and begins scribbling] Dr. Jerome K. Trindle BSc PhD has just been inspired. Behold, the Dr. Jerome K. Trindle BSc PhD Transtemporal Kavorkian Device. This device will enable peope to practice euthanasia on future incarnations of themselves. What?

Clint : [Shaking his head] It's all starting again. Next thing will be Alice slipping and breaking something, followed by the sister telling us about her 5 husbands... Or was it 6?

Alice : [To Jerome, while looking at old man Austin] Will it provide people with the ability to practice euthanasia on current incarnations of other people?

Chastity : Oh, hush child! Do not think such dark thoughts! Honestly, she goes for weeks without a thought in her head, and when one eventually comes, it has to be something like that.

Alice : Careful with that tongue, sister, it could have someone's eye out.

Sven : [To Darius] Haw! Didn't I tell you they were great?

Darius : [Dryly] Yes. Yes you did.

Chastity : Oh, do be quiet you foolish man. You know quite well that I only had three husbands, George, George and George.

Alice : What was the second guy's name again?

Chastity : George.

Alice : And the third?

Chastity : George. [There's a short pause, as though ALICE is debating whether or not to ask CHASTITY something.]

Alice : Wha-

Chastity : [Interrupts, annoyed] George! My first husband's name was George.

Jerome: [To Darius] Could you please tell us how we arrived here?

Darius : You have been here for several days. We knew that there was going to be an ambush at the church, and, given that only Knights are permitted in the Sanctuary, we decided it would be best for you to undergo your initiation test immediately. You will be able to stay here for another few days before continuing on in your mission, but we will be able to give you some extra training before you go.

Austin : [To Darius] I sincerely doubt that you could train this rabble to improve their taste [Smirks, takes another delicate draw, and blows 5 perfect smoke rings] But it is most certainly worth attempting.

Darius : Its okay, we don't try to change people's personalities, so you needn't worry. Is everyone okay? Are you ready to leave the Sanctuary?

Jerome: Dr. Jerome K. Trindle BSc PhD is always willing to increase his pool of knowledge. Lead on. Will the training be in lecture format?

Harvey : [To Alice] Dear niece, how good it is to see you again! And looking so full of life! I had the strangest nightmare in which you were killed by a tyrannical briggand! The cur! [Smiles happily] By the saints, how my heart is jumping for joy that you are safe and sound!

Alice : Aw, thanks Uncle, but it was only a dream, there's nothing to worry about.

[SVEN and DARIUS exchange glances.]

Darius : It wasn't a dream. What you saw really happened, those people just haven't been born yet. That was the test to see if you are fit to become Knights.

Peter : [To Jerome] No, we usually employ the services of a man with a curly moustache, whip and sturdy chair.

Chastity : Oh, a Lion tamer, how novel. Well, I won't be needing his tuition. I learned those skill's from my second husband, [Turning to Alice] George, [Turning back to the group] after his encounter with a whole pride af lions whilst on Safari, armed only with a stick and hand crafted antique button loop.

Harvey : Ah sister, he was a lucky man to have that very button loop! Why, I could tell you stories of my days with the Fifth which would curl the hair of your beard! [Goes suddenly red] Not that you have a beard, of course, good sister! Dear me no! But let me tell you, a hand crafted antique button loop would have been considered as a luxury!

Austin : [Sighs, blows some more smoke rings, whilst standing looking into a mirror]

Darius : Well, if you have no questions about what just happened, I think we should go upstairs where your training will begin.

Harvey : [Shocked] Surely you are mistaken, Darius? By the saints, I do believe you neglected to mention the sumptous breakfast buffet awaiting us, rewarding our strenous climb of the stairs! What?

Chastity : I'm sure they won't be training us on an empty stomach, and while we eat you can feed our imaginations with some tales of you exploits. [Indicates towards stairs] Shall we? [Heads to go up stairs]

Darius : But of course, Colonel, that goes without saying. An army marches on its stomach and all that.

Alice : [Makes a face] Aw, no! There's going to be marching? Can we at least do it on our feet?

Darius : [Sigh] We'll make a special exception in your case.

Darius : Before you sit down for food, are you sure there is nothing you want clarification on? We won't be present for your breakfast.

Harvey : Where do you keep the brown sauce? And of course dear sister, I shall regale you with my tales of derring do while we eat, drink and make merry! I want to shake last nights nightmare from my head, and can think of nothing better to achieve this then fill it chock brim full of grub!

Darius : [Exchanging glances with Sven] Sorry, but the location of brown sauce is classified.

[Everyone heads upstairs where, after a short walk, the party are brought to a room with a huge meal laid out. There are steaks, chops, a soused pigs head, complete with apple, golden honeyed locusts, jellied eels, thrushes ankles, snakes feet, crispy popadoms and curried brussel sprouts.]

Austin : [To Darius] Yes, I would like confirmation on a few points. Firstly I believe that it is of the upmost importance that you divuldge to us the correct colours of the liquids that our other selves, to-boot our 1997 incarnations, should have mixed when in the cavern containing the many contagions and the three bottles of coloured potions, namely red,green and blue. Secondly, I for one would dearly like to know who killed Body, and why our aformentioned otherselves were served plates of spoor! Firstly I correct incarnations, for

Chastity : I hope there will be ample time to recover from this meal before the training. Digestion of food needs time you know. Otherwise we'll get cramps and then who'll be the sorry wee one? Oh, and do you have an itinery telling us what type of training we'll be receiving, obviously showing meal times [Chastity's stomach makes a deep, empty rumbling sound] Hmmm, thrush ankles.

Harvey : Quite right sister! [Darkly] Cramps! Back in the campaign of Vietnum-num, the local, erm, ladies of the night were infested with them! Had most of our lads in the field itching and scratching! One lad even had them in his eyebrows! [Shudders]

[ALICE makes to say something to HARVEY, but decides against it, and rubs her brow instead.]

Darius : [Sitting down, and helping himself to a few honeyed locusts] Good questions, Austin. The green liquid represented nature, and all that's good, including, believe it or not, your future selves. The red represented the destructive power of the volcano, while the blue represented Contagion. It was blue for him because of the ice he created when he appeared.

Alice : [Who's chin is covered in snake's feet] Wouldn't it have made more sense for it to have been white?

Darius : [Shrugs] Guess so, but that's down to the techies. However they were mixed, there would have been an explosion, its just that if you mixed the green and the red, none of you would have been hurt. Its not really that important though, your future selves were expendable, what mattered was that they got Contagion into the last room. [Sucks on a curried brussel sprout, before turning puzzled to the party] Does anybody actually like these things?

Harvey : Mmmmm! [Chomping delightedly on a curried brussel sprout, before washing it down with a handful of snakesfeet] Ah! Honeyed locusts! [Crunches away in happiness]

Clint : [Curry dripping from his chin] What were the colours coming off Harvey, was he having a hard digestion or do they actually mean something? [Looking at Harvey] I'm talking about the future Harvey, of course.

Darius : They were the souls from other incarnations, that were dragged into that time frame, by your future selves, who knew that the party would be reduced to two, but would still need six souls to get to Contagion's final room.

Alice : [Taking a large swig of wine, somehow spilling most of it down the front of her shirt] Cough! Wow, we're very clever in the future, aren't we?

Darius : [Eyeing the stained clothes of Alice] Some of you are.

Harvey : [Through a mouthful of thrushes ankles, winks in joy at Alice] Ahh, who's the cleverest niece in the world!

Chastity : [To Harvey] Colonel! Manners! Don't speak with your mouth full. [Bows head in prayer] For what we about to receive my Phili make us jolly thankful. [Almost launches herself onto the table, filling her plate in a flurry of food grabbing] Salt someone, now!

Harvey : [Swallows his food in one huge gulp] Forgive this old soldier, sister! The taste sensation experienced through thrushes ankles can sometimes drive etiquette to the back of ones mind. [Hands Chastity a salt seller] Your salt, dearest sister.

Darius : The cleverest niece in the world? I guess that would have to be Carie Murie, niece to David and Susan Murie.

Alice : [Sulky face] I bet I'm cleverer than her.

Darius : She won the Nobble Piece prize at the age of fourteen.

Alice : I won it at thirteen.

Darius : You don't even know what it is.

[ALICE doesn't reply, but moodily crunches on some prawns.]

Darius : Oh, and they're not prawns, they're dead flies.

Darius : [Wincing at the sound of the pig's jaws cracking, before turning to Chastity, with an amused look] Lying? What makes you say that? What makes you think I have any wish to lie? That my motives are anything less than pure. [To Harvey] What's that behind you?

Harvey : [Glances behind him, before turning back to Darius] Why, that is a tiramisu.

Darius : [Looking behind Harvey at the bell] Hm. `

Austin : [Pours himself a brandy, blows some more stylish smoke rings] Could you pass the sugared kittens paws please, Jerome?

Jerome : It has already been established that the actions of our future incarnations were not under our influence, and therefore Dr. Jerome K. Trindle BSc PhD suggests that those actions are not brought up again for the abuse of or amusement of various party members. Dr. Jerome K. Trindle BSc PhD would also like to indicate that the rest of the party have demonstrated admirable restraint in not mentioning the fact that only one party member appears to have a future incarnation with a personality less egregious that their current one. [Smiles coyly at the party and sucks some of his Jolt Cola noisily through a straw.]

Chastity : [Removing a remaining incisor from the apple] I was only pointing out the accidental ambiguities in your announcement. You partly said in the same sentence you didn't know if we'd see him again, and then told us we hadn't seen the last of him. That's all. [Face lights up in realisation] Aaah, or were you just testing our skills of listening and interpretation. You thought you'd combine breakfast with a non-physical training exercise. [Sucks apple juice off the tooth with smug satisfaction]

Darius : [Glances over at Sven, before turning back to Chastity] That's exactly what I was doing. My suspicion is that you will meet him again, but I cannot say with a hundred percent certainty that you will.

Alice : [Sneaks a look at the tooth, before muttering out of the side of her mouth to Chastity] You know, of course, Chas, that that isn't a pig's tooth?

Harvey : [To Darius] Tell me, good sir knight, why aren't you here to oversee my troops training? Surely you'd like to see this thing through to the end? Eh?

Austin : [To Jerome] That is not a very plesant thing to say about Chassers, Jerome.

Jerome : True, Mr. Sleaze, it would not have been a very pleasant thing to say. [Makes another irritating slurping noise with his straw.]

Darius : [To Harvey] I would, of course, like to see it through to the end, but it is not my place to be directly involved in your mission, although I would hope to meet with you from time to time during it. As for your training, each of you will be taken by a separate trainer, for our unique, fast paced learning.

Alice : [To the others] I don't care what he says, no one can learn Java Programming in twenty one years.

Jerome : I think it was twenty one days.

Alice : Gibber.

Darius : Our particular training programme, however, takes just a single day.

Clint : [Ripping off one of the pig's ears] A single day to learn Java? In your dreams!

Harvey : [Sceptical] A single day? Why, our troops spent three months at boot camp, and some still couldn't tell a pike from a spear! Or a desert eagle from a small brown barn owl!

Darius : We have a special teaching system, known as Brilliant University of Limerick Learning / Superb Highly Inductive Training system, where we match people to their abilities and teach to their strengths.

Alice : Which means?

Darius : We find out what you're good at, and give you a qualification in that.

Alice : Cool!

Darius : It is for those who are actually good at something.

Alice : Gah! Foiled again!

Alice : [Putting her hand up] Oh! Oh! I know! I know! The barn owl is the one in the desert - no! In the barn!

Darius : [To Harvey] I'm sure that may have been the case, but please, at least give our system a try. You will need it for the coming months.

Harvey : But good sir, I am an ex-colonel of the Kings Reach Fifth, trained in a wide spectrum of weapon usage and attack methods! I have survived over fifty campaigns on this and other continents! I have led men into battle, and even led some of them back home again. I am highly proficient with special, tactical and defensive methods of war! I have travelled over mountains on elephants, swam through pirannha infested jungle rivers carrying fifty pounds of weaponry, lived with the Bedouin tribes, never got outta the boat, absolutely goddam right. Tell me Darius, what other useful skill could you possibly train me in?

Darius : [Considers Harvey's words for a moment] Can you pluck out a man's eyes with your thumbs?

Harvey : Ha! While living with the natives of Tibetia, I learned to pluck out mens thumbs with my eyes!

Darius : [Nods in bemusement at Harvey] Can you skin a man alive using no more than a feather duster and an old rag?

Harvey : Ha, sir! While living with the Wassoon holy monks, I learned how to flay a man alive with a wet tea bag and a small yellow sock! And [puffs up in pride] re-attach and sew up his skin again before he even noticed, using a hatpin and a single human hair!

Chastity : [To Harvey, helpfully] You could demonstrate that on the Lawyer. I'm sure there must be tea bag and a yelow sock somewhere around here. even

Austin : [To Harvey] Pitty they didn't tech you how to control your temper, perhaps Darius could help. I've heard sex calms even the angriest of beasts.

Harvey : [Very slowly, to Austin] And just what is that supposed to mean, private Sleaze? Are you trying to insinuate something...again? [Takes out his sword, apparently examining the blade]

Austin : [To Harvey] I am insinuating nothing. You do not know how to control your temper, perhaps Darius could tech you that? [Blows some smoke rings] And do not refer to me as Private ever again, you may refer to me as Austin, or Sir Sleaze, any other form of address will be taken as slanderous and you may find yourself with a court case on your hands.

Darius : [Smiles] Do you know how to stab a man in such a way that you can be out of the country before he even knows it himself?

Harvey : On the contrary, Sleaze, my temper is in control, were it not, you would long be a corpse! And, private, if you attempt to imply that I'm a man who likes to cut hair again, you'll end up in a case alright, a coffin! would likes

Austin : [To Harvey] Phili! You're so manly, I wonder sometimes how the womenfolk manage to restrain themselves [Glances at Chastity] But only sometimes, big boy. [Blows more casual smoke rings]

Harvey : [To Darius] Before he even knows it himself, eh? What? [Rubs his moustache and smiles wickedly] What time does training begin?

Darius : As soon as possible.

Alice : [To Austin] Phili! You're so manly, I wonder sometimes how the menfolk manage to restrain themselves. What is wrong with you, Austin? Why do you have to be so nasty to him? Why are you bringing up an argument that was forgotten?

Austin : [To Alice] If you have to ask then, alas, I fear you would never understand.

Chastity : Stop this bickering, the lot of you. You're like children. And as my first husband, George, would always say, "Bickering children get put in the rat-infested coalshed for the night". I think I told you he has big on discipline. Now why don't we go and see what training is in store for us. I'm sure it'll be a revelation to find out what some of us [Glances at Austin] are good at that could be of any [Emphasises] PRACTICAL use.

Alice : Oh, I understand alright, Austin. I understand that you are a right shit who can't but help himself when it comes to making stupid and hurtful remarks to the people who are in the same party. We're supposed to be on a mission from God, and all you can do is try and annoy other people. [Gets up to walk out, but stops at the door] You know, given how well you keep your temper under control, Austin, I suspect even sex by yourself must help calm beasts, because you are so very, very calm.

[Exit ALICE.]

Darius : Wise words indeed, good Sister Chastity. There is a tough time ahead of us all, and it would be better if we could demonstrate some civility to one another during it.

Austin : [Laughs, chuckles, blows some more smoke rings] That's more like it.

Harvey : [Glares at Austin] Darius, that training you mentioned can't start soon enough. [Strides to the door and flings it open] Alice, dear niece, a word with you! [Exit HARVEY]

Austin : [To Darius] Yes, I say, lets get on with the training, what! [Stubbs out his cigarette]

Chastity : [Hurriedly, grabbing some curried sprouts as she goes past] Thank Phili, some advancement in our quest to fight evil. Or at least into the next room. [Stuffs sprouts in her mouth] [Exit Chastity]

Darius : [Clearly surprised at the past events] Are you sure they're the chosen party, Sven?

Sven : Yes.

Darius : The party chosen to overthrow evil in the Realms?

Sven : Yes.

Darius : The party who's souls are inextricably linked through time and space?

Sven : Yes.

Darius : Then why have three of them just gone into a cupboard?

Sven : I must admit, Darius, I'm kind of curious about that myself.

Austin : [Goes to the cuppboard] Okay, I am very sorry if I have offended you, please accept this appology.

Sven : You know, Austin, they probably can't hear you. If you really mean it, open it up. Come on, Oz, we're all the same team here. Its okay to have banter, but you don't want to upset people, isn't that right, Stinky? [pops a bread roll off Clint's head]

Austin : [Opens the cupboard door] I sorry you guys. Twas merely intended to be harmless banter.

Alice : You've a lot to learn about harmless banter, Austin, but I accept your apology. [Walks back to the table.]

Harvey : [To Darius, stepping out of the cupboard] The rooms in this place are a little pokey. aren't they! [Looks Austin up and down] It's to my niece you should apologise Austin, not to me. Shame on you, upsetting the poor gal like that!

Austin : [To Harvey] I intended the terminology of 'guys' to include Alice, whilst I am wholly aware of the fact that Alice is female, the modern sense of the word is not as gender specific as it once was.

Harvey : [Claps his hands together] Right then, that's all settled! Capital! [To Darius] What's for dessert?

Darius : Training. Let's go! [Stands up, and opens another door, which reveals stairs leading up.]

[Book II, Act VI, Scene V. Outside the Sanctuary. ALICE, CHASTITY, JEROME, HARVEY, AUSTIN, CLINT, PETER, SVEN and DARIUS are here. It is now the following day. Everyone is standing outside the Sanctuary, which is a small stone building a few miles outside Hysteria. As ever, although it is morning, the sun is but a tiny dot in the black sky.]

Sven : Haw! We always seem to be saying good-bye! Guys, I know you're going to do us proud. small going

Jerome: We shall endeavour to do so, Mr. Sven. Good day to you.

Darius : Er, do you want to hear what your mission is?

Austin : [To Darius] We were expecting the details of the mission to be privvy to us apriori to the aformentioned tasks, aka the mission to boot, in order that we may analyse the risks against the gains and appropriate the relevant insurance policies.

Harvey : Hmmm, there's not much ceremony involved with becoming a Knight of the Hierophantic order, is there? Wasn't like that in my day, let me tell you! We had bunting covering the streets, lines of people shouting their congratulations, ticker tape hurled into the air! A brass band, two thousand strong, blasting a cacophanus hurrah! A million doves of peace released for each new Templar! [Takes some honeyed locusts from his pocket] Sigh, this will have to do, I suppose. [Munches half heartedly]

Chastity : It was a bit simpler when I became a Sister of Phili. All we needed was a blindfold, a box of candles and a darkened room. [Squirms uncomfortably at the memory]

Harvey : Ha, is that so, sister? [Thoughtfully rubs his moustache] I'm afraid the religious life will always be a thing of great mystery to me. [Does a formal bow to Chastity] But my respect for it is boundless.

Alice : [To Chastity] Hey! That sounds like somthing I went through, and [thoughtfully] although I was calling for God by the end of it, it wasnt exactly religious.

Darius : [To Harvey] You misunderstand, Harvey. You and your party are initiate Knights, this is just the first step of a long, and sometimes painful process. When you become full Knights, I promise you that we'll have enough ceremony and puffy hats to put a "Priscilla, Queen of the Desert" audience to shame. [Turns to Austin] You don't really need the details, all you need to know is that you need life insurance. And lots of it.

Sven : [Interjecting helpfully] And watch out for the "no claims on flesh eating worms incidents" clause, there's been many an initiate Knight who rued the day he ignored that one.

Chastity : [To Alice] It has to be done with Nuns to be religious. That and full width candles. You put on the blindfold in the darkened room, the nuns pray and light the candles, you take off the blindfold and see the lit up room. The room is the world, the candles represent the word of Phili. It's all very symbolic. [Mock innocence]Was your experience like this, my Child?

Harvey : [Nods to Darius] So be it. I'm sure we're ready for whatever comes our way. But tell me this, where is Beaucaphalus?

Jerome: Not all of us are as litigious as the good lawyer. Life insurance is merely a fraud perpetrated against the gullibility of the middle class. I'll have no part of it.

Harvey : Indeed so, Doctor. I have seen the whites of too many enemies eyes to be worrying about insurance at this late stage in my life.

Austin : [To Harvey] Are you sure about that? What about dear sweet Alice here, who would be left to fend for herself in this dark, dark world, should you fall foul to one of our evil enemies. Only great heros, such as my self could protect her then, but I too could fall in battle, as my future incarnation did, heroically, in the battle against Contagion. Are you so sure now, that you require no insurance to take care of your loved ones after your demise?? here, fall protect

Jerome: Philli forfend that anything ever happen to the Colonel, but if it does, Dr. Jerome K Trindle will put his resources at Alice's disposal. Good friends, dear Austin, are all the insurance one needs.

Chasity : I don't have any possessions to pass on anyway. The Church of Phili sold them all to buy ornate gold decorations for the Alter of the Poor and Needy. [To Darius] Now, whould you care to enlighten us as to next mission?

Austin : [To Jerome] Indeed, dear Jerome, but we too could perish! it!

Harvey : Well said, good doctor. Thank you Austin, but no. I put my faith in Phili and cold steel, not in the gavel of the judiciary.

Alice : I'm not sure that Dr. Trindle has anything that I would need, should the unthinkable happen to Uncle H. I am quite capable of looking after myself, you know, I'm not the helpless little girl that you all think I am. [Face becomes wracked with thought for a moment] Of course, Daddy's 2,000GP stipend each month helps too.

Harvey : Hmm, but perhaps it might be better to be safe than sorry, dear niece. I could never live with myself if I died and left you with nothing but the clothes on your back and my prized collection of military medals! What would your parents think of me! [To Austin] Yes, Austin, I just might take one of those policies from you.

Austin : [Cracking his fingers] Excellent, excellent! [Whips out a wad of prefilled forms] Here you are, Colonel, I knew that it was but a matter of time.

Sven : [Pulls out Beaucaphalus] Here we go, I was just looking after the old guy.

Beaucaphalus : Hey folks - man, you lot are seriously screwed up in your future lives, you know that?

Harvey : [Takes a form and scans it quickly] Aha, flesh eating worm clause, excellent. Oooh, an extra 500 GP, Alice! [Puts the form in his backpack.] Ready to do some fighting, Beaucaphalus?

Beaucaphalus : Sure am, Harv. And do you know what the best part is? We're going to kill Adam Torque!

Harvey : [Almost spitting] Torque! By the saints, how I want to get my hands on that diseased lunatic! Nobody urinates on my niece and gets away with it!

Alice : [Raises her eyebrows] Well, actually - [breaks off, but looks at Chastity again] uh, um, the candles represent the word of Phili, you say, eh? Very interesting, very interesting.

Clint : I'm looking forward to getting my hands on Torque myself, lets see how well he can pee after a quick chat with Beau and me!

Sven : [Punching Clint hard on the shoulder] Haw! Excellent! But don't underestimate Torque, old friend. And don't underestimate your other enemies, either.

Alice : Keep that in mind, Stinky! [Points a finger at Clint and gives him her cross look]

Austin : [Smiling] Excellent, render Torque inanimate and rescue the delightful Eva! [Rubs his hands together]

Austin : [Surprised at the lack of enthusiasm] Very well then, I shall rescue her myself [Puts on a fresh pair of white gloves, throws the old pair in the bin. Puts a fresh cigarette in a holder, lights up and blows a smoke ring] Perhapse we shall settle down and have children. Perhaps not! I'm sure she'll love black silk...[Ponders his own reflection in the mirror once more]

Darius : [Putting on a full length leather coat] Okay people, let's go. I will come to Hysteria with you, where Adam's temple is based. On the way we will meet up with some guides who will help smuggle us into the town.

Alice : [Eyeing up Darius' coat] That's a nice coat. Do you have a large weapon under there?

Darius : Very large.

Alice : [Blushing slightly] You do have clothes on under there, don't you?

[DARIUS and the party head towards Hysteria.]

Darius : [Currently holding Beaucaphalus] So, who is going to hold Beaucaphalus?

Clint : Obviously, it has to be a fighter. No offense Harvey, but I think this one's on me. [Closes his eyes and starts shaking as if under great stress or effort]

Alice : He's not trying to go to the toilet, is he?

Beaucaphalus : Okay Stinky, I'm not sure how happy I am about this, but I guess you'll have to do.

Clint : [Opening his eyes] What!, nothing yet? This is harder than I thought! [Closes his eyes again, beads of sweat running down his forehead, slight shaking]

Jerome : Beaucaphalus is rightfully mine - when Harvey and I found him, he was known as the Sword of Jeromitus, I should hold him.

Beaucaphalus : He's got a point, Clint.

[BEAUCAPHALUS falls out of DARIUS's hand, and lands on the ground in front of CLINT.]

Harvey : Indeed, the good doctor has a point. Perhaps if Jerome was the rightful wielder of the sword, but then it was given to Clint or me, when the time came for a fight. Then, the doctors esteemed mind could concentrate fully on inventing useful bits and bobs to aide us, while we get on with the hacking and slashing.

Jerome : Sounds good to me. [Bends down to pick up Beaucaphalus]

Alice : Maybe I could hold Beaucaphalus?

[All the men in the party roar with laughter.]

Chastity : Foolish Alice, let the menfolk get on with their manly business, and perhaps reflect with me for a moment on the greatness of Philli, he who has given you so much. You don't need magic swords, or spears, or even hammers for that matter! [Eyes light up] But imagine a magical set of knitting needles! Oh, joy!

Alice : Magic knitting needles, eh? So you could, say, skewer a man's eyes out? Or nail him to the wall with them? You could even use them as pretend drum sticks to annoy other people at dinner. [Nods in agreement with Chastity] Good idea, Chassers, they say "I'm a woman, but don't mess with me." Do you have a set?

Clint : [Looking quite desperately at Beaucaphalus] God damn, this is hard! [Closes his eyes again firmly, hands pointing at Beaucaphalus] [Deep voice] Come to me!!!

Harvey : [Looks at Clint for a moment, before picking up Beaucaphalus and handing the sword to Jerome]

Jerome : Thank you, Colonel. [Puts the sword at his side.]

Alice : [Shaking her head at Clint] If it doesn't work on women, its even less likely to work on swords.

Sven : Okay friends, this is it. Darius will bring you to the city limits, where a contact will smuggle you in. I won't see you again for a while.

Harvey : [Salutes Sven] Well done, that man. I am in your debt, good sir knight! Perhaps one day we'll meet on the field of battle... I just hope we are on the same side! [Laughs loudly and longly]

Sven : [Laughs even more loudly than Harvey] Haw! Sir, the moment I set eyes on you, I knew what kind of man you were. In any battle, I know I will be on the same side as any party that has you and this [punches Clint on the shoulder] old bastard in it!

Peter : [Rolls his eyes] Oh great. Another ten minute display of barely restrained homosexuality.

Chastity : [Sniffs haughtily and looks Peter up and down] As opposed to unrestrained, you mean?

Peter : [Does a little curtsy to Chastity] Some people bring it out more in me than others.

Harvey : [To Darius] So, who are we going to meet outside the city walls? Can they be trusted?

Darius : I don't know, they will make contact with us. Usually, those recruited by the knights are very trustworthy, but nothing is a hundred percent certain. Let's go.

Sven : [Calling after the party] Good luck, friends, I don't know if I'll see you again.

Alice : Oh, you will. In the Lady's Place.

Sven : [Taken aback] Oh, okay.

[The party walk for a few minutes, approaching the town of Hysteria, before stopping at a small clearing.]

Darius : This is where we're supposed to meet our contact. It could be anyone, the contacts used by the Knights are reknowned for their cunning and guile, they can slip in and out of the most secure of installations, and are characterised by their mental agility and natural abilities.

[Enter DICEY "FORTYCOATS" O'REILLY.]

Dicey : [Big smile on seeing the party] Sure'n begorrah, bejasus and bejabbers, between me forty coats and me fifty pockets I do declare in front of holy Mary and all the saints except saint George that never in all my life have I seen such a thing, sure if it isn't me favourite party, Jasus! [Takes out a hip flask and has a quick nip]

Darius : There are, of course, some exceptions.

Clint : Well well, if it isn't Mr. Dickey Thirty-coats himself!

Harvey : [Gasps] You! [Looks in shock for a moment, before putting his hand on his pommel] You little bastard! [Looks at Darius] You can not be serious Darius! This little idiot is going to lead us into the city?

Dicey : Ah, sure now lads, sure isn't all water under the bridge, haw?

[DARIUS says nothing, but just shrugs at HARVEY.]

Chastity : [Fishes in her bag for her holy water.] No it is not, you nasty little man! You threw us out, left us there to die! Philli is not happy with thee! Atone for your wrong doings! [Sprinkles some holy water at Dicey]

Dicey : [With a mischeevous wink] That's alright Sister, sure don't I have me own holy water here! [Holds up the flask]

Darius : Am I right in thinking there's some bad blood between you all?

Austin : To say the least! This disgusting specimen cheated on me and left me to rot in jail in Waterdeep - when I finally had the misfortune to meet up with him again, he left me and the others to die, trapped with the Pearces on one side, and the Scalies on the other. I think we should kill him right now. [Draws his dagger]

Alice : Sounds like my kimino, Clint!

Dicey : [Backing off] Now, Mr. Scar, to be sure I made a mistake, and sure, who hasn't? But I've got my trusty band of warriors with me, to get you and your friends into the city. Now, why would you want to be killing old Dicey? I mean, sure'n begorrah, bejasus and bejabbers, between me forty coats and me fifty pockets I do declare in front of holy Mary and all the saints except saint George that never was there a city more difficult to get into.

Harvey : All the more reason not to trust you, or your scurrulous mob, Dicey!

Clint : [Looking around] And where is your band of [quotes...] warriors? Are they hidden in your pockets?

Dicey : [Tugging his forelock, and nodding at Harvey] Ah, now sir, there's no need to be like that - sure me'n the boys sir, sure we'd only be too happy to help you in, if you would see you're way to er, forgetting about that business with the Pearces.

[AUSTIN says nothing, but feels the tip of his razor sharp dagger, and glares at DICEY.]

Dicey : [Laughs aloud at Clint] Sure'n begorrah, bejasus and bejabbers, between me forty coats and me fifty pockets I do declare in front of holy Mary and all the saints except saint George that that's the funniest thing I've ever heard! [Looks behind him] Come on lads, come on down and meet the others.

[Enter DUNCAN CONOR MACLEOD, FENTON BRASER and VASCO DE SAO NUNO GOMES. Each has a sword and some light armour.]

Fenton : [Smiling broadly] Hey guy!

Duncan : [Bowing slightly, and speaking with totally unconvincing French accent] Bonjour, mes amis.

Vasco : [Planting a flag in the middle of the clearing] I claim this clearing for the glory of Prince Manuel, Prince John and His Holiness the Pope. [Kneels in front of the flag and blesses himself.]

Harvey : [To Darius] This must be some ill-timed civilian prank, surely! With the boundless resources the Knights of the Hierophantic Order have at their disposal, [indicates the others] surely these can't be the best you people could come up with? [Looks at Duncan] I mean, look! A Frenchman!

Darius : [Clearly bemused at the group in front of him] I don't know, Harvey, I'm as surprised as you are!

Duncan : [Angrily to Harvey] Hoots! What's it to ya, Jimmy? Ah'm nae ashamed of me French heritage, mon!

Harvey : [To Darius] I mean, really! He doesn't even speak the same language! My friends died on the fields of battle, lost their lives to these foreign johnnies, and here I am, expected to put my faith in one of the dirty beggars, garlic coated hands! Gah!

Duncan : [Covering Harvey in a liberal coating of spit and crumbs] Listen up, Jimmy! Yae dinnae have tae come with us - yae damned sheeps knickers, I ought to -

Fenton : [Putting a hand on Duncan's shoulder] Hey guy - come on now, eh? We don't need this kind of negativity, eh? [Turns to Harvey] Now come on, guy, I'm sure you didn't mean to insult Duncan here, eh?

Harvey : Oh that's right. He can understand me when it suits him eh? Ha! It's only when they overcharge you for your bed and board, and you try to explain this to them that they don't speak a word! Shoulder shrugging and and limp wristed wavery! Blasted johnnies are all the same, by the saints! [Puffs himself up, and mutters] Frenchies! Damn their hides!

Fenton : [Covering his eyes with his hands] Oh, come on guy, eh? What's with all this negativity, eh?

Duncan : Viva la France! [Gives Harvey the finger, and turns, storming off out of the clearing]

Dicey : Sure'n begorrah, bejasus and bejabbers, between me forty coats and me fifty pockets I do declare in front of holy Mary and all the saints except saint George that you're a right ould bastard, Colonel. You insult one of the Roving Band of Racial Stereotypes, you insult them all!

Harvey : [Staring darkly after Duncan, turns quickly to Dicey] The...what?

Clint : [Putting his sword away] Ok ok fair enough, if this is the team we have, might as well do with them. [Looking at Duncan in the horizon] One thing's for sure, he does run fast! Run Duncan!, run!

Dicey : [Waving his blackthorn stick at Harvey] The Roving Band of Racial Stereotypes. RBRS, pronounced "robbers"!

[DUNCAN turns and says something incomprehensible to CLINT, before disappearing into the darkness.]

Vasco : [Stands up and takes a deep breath, before speaking with his head bowed] You have insulted my brother. The Roving Band of Racial Stereotypes will not help you until you take it back. [Takes out his rosary and kisses it, muttering a few prayers.]

Alice : You know, Uncle H., you were a bit over the top. I know there's that whole garlic thing going on, but with Clint here, you won't even be able to smell it!

Clint : [Sniffs his armpit, and smiles with satisfaction] God damn!, it's good to be back to this body! [Touches his crotch] Then again...

Chastity : [Shocked] Well Harvey Kingston Short! I'm shocked at your rudeness to that poor, dear man! Apologise at once! At once!

Harvey : [Face reddens] What? Well, I...damn their...gah! Sorry sister, what a boor I've become! [Shouts after Duncan] Sir, I apologise to you and yours! It was wrong of me to criticise your people. Some memories are hard to shake, and it has been a very traumatic time of late for this old soldier! Pray, accept my apology!

Austin : [Examining his nails, and muttering under his breath] Oh, I can keep my temper under control!

Duncan : [Stops and turns, drawing his sword which he points at Harvey] Ye damned Sassenach! I'll have nae part of ye!

Fenton : [To Duncan] Hey guy, he apologised, eh?

Duncan : [Sheathing his sword] Alright, but Ah have ma eye on you, Jimmy.

Harvey : No, Harvey. [Bows to Duncan] I thank you.

Duncan : No, Duncan. [Looks puzzled.]

Dicey : Sure'n begorrah, bejasus and bejabbers, between me forty coats and me fifty pockets I do declare in front of holy Mary and all the saints except saint George that I should be struck down right here and now if that wasn't the most exciting thing I've seen since me Auntie Mable got her beard caught in the mangle! [Takes a quick slug out of his hipflask.]

Alice : [To Chastity] Wow! Those beards in the mangle statistics just keep on rising!

Chastity : [Glares icily at Alice for a moment, before spreading her arms wide] Okay everyone, all friends? Good for us! I think we should all perform a big group hug and praise Philli for this beautiful clearing, which he obviously created, and [eyes narrow] owns!

Vasco : I am Vasco de Sao Nuno Gomes. I have claimed this land for Prince Manuel, Prince John and His Holiness the Pope. [Blesses himself] I acknowledge that this land was a gift from the most Holy Phili, and thank and praise Him for leading me to it.

Chastity : Oh, well in that case, Vasco de Sao Nuno Gomes, Phili bless his reverence, and let's pray he puts this clearing to good and religious use. Perhaps a school for simple girls.

Vasco : [Looks at Chastity with his soulful brown eyes] A wonderful thought, kind a gentle sister. But, [glancing at Alice] where will we find such creatures?

Duncan : Enough of yer mitherin'! Lets get moving!

Clint : Wise words at last. Where to?

Chastity : [Sighs deeply] Not until we all group hug! Come on now, don't be shy! [Grabs Vasco] Everyone!

Duncan : We've got a cunning disguise to get you into the city, they're stashed just outside the walls.

Alice : Good idea, Chas! [Grabs onto the back of Vasco, putting her hands around his waist.]

Vasco : Ow! Hey!

Alice : [Blushing] Ooops.

Dicey : Sure 'n begorrah! Are they always like this? [Turns to Austin] Wanna hug?

Austin : [Eyes narrowed] Want a stab wound?

Harvey : Dear sister, we are in quite a hurry. We can [shudders] group hug when this is all over. [To Duncan] Disguise, eh? What are we to be?

Duncan : Aye, its a cunning plan right enough, we're going to disguise you as -

[Enter DOBBIN, standing at one end of the clearing, sword in hand, the other hand behind his back. He is still wearing his mask, but has a scar on his cheek.]

Dobbin : [With a deep voice] None shall pass.

Clint : [Looking quite surprised at Dobbin] Oi!, where did you come from??? [Looking closer] Nice scar! [ALICE says nothing, but looks down, embarrased.]

Dobbin : [Points at Clint with his non-sword arm] You shut your dirty mouth! [He is missing all but his thumb and index finger on his left hand] I repeat, none shall pass.

Dicey : Ah sure, that's grand. We're going the opposite direction. [Turns and indicates to the party to go in the opposite direction.]

Harvey : [Steps in front of Alice and Chastity] Ladies, step back, for I fear this boy is rabid! [To Dobbin] You sir, why do you impede our way? Out with it, or feel the cold touch of my steel!

Dobbin : Er, um... [Disappears into the undergrowth.]

Alice : That's the guy Dobbin I was telling you about, Harvey. He turned up in the Under City, claiming we had killed his family - I guess it was the other party that are wandering around. He followed us to Pestilence's house and was, er, stabbed in the face by Tom Sellsick, and then someone cut off three of his fingers.

Clint : But didn't we have a wonderful revenge on Tom Sellsick later on? First and only time I actually agreed with the Lawyer's backstabbing techniques!

Harvey : I see, dear niece! By God, a spell in the army would do him some good! [Yells at the undergrowth] The army is what you need, lad! Learn a sense of responsibility, of discipline, of honour! Gods, the kids of today, no moral fibre! [Turns to Dicey] Well, lead on.

Dicey : Certainly, sir, it would be a pleasure.

[Enter DOBBIN, at the end of the clearing which the party are heading for. He is panting and out of breath, and leans against a convenient tree for support.]

Dobbin : Gasp! Pant! None shall pass! be a copy of this later.

Harvey : Gah! Twins!

Harvey : Gah! Twins!

Clint : [Laughing] Ah!, you again? You just never give up, do you?

Chastity : [To Dobbin] Look, we didn't kill your family. Now run along home before this gallant warrior [points towards Clint, reconsiders, and gestures towards Harvey and Vasco] em, I mean these, gallant warriors gives you a nasty flesh wound. On second thoughts, you do seem a bit out of condition, maybe you'd better just have a sit down and try and hitch a lift back home.

Dobbin : [Calming down with deep breaths] My, uh, twin and I will kill you, we will kill you all! [Walks towards Clint] I will start with you. En garde!

Duncan : Alright! Another Frenchman! C'mon Jimmy!

Austin : Oh, just kill him, Clint. He is beginning to bore me. [Polishes his arm gently with a silken handkerchief]

Harvey : Mmmph? Kill him? He may be a bit annoying, certainly, but killing him is a bit drastic, private. [To Clint] Just belt him over the head with your pommel and jiggle his brains about a bit! Who knows, it may even improve things for him!

Dobbin : For my mother! [Slaps Clint on the side with the face of his sword] Come on, coward!

Chastity : [To Dobbin] Just hold it there, sunshine, before you get hurt again [mumbles incantation and looks expectantly to Dobbins feet]

Chastity : [To Dobbin] Just hold it there, sunshine, before you get hurt again [mumbles incantation and looks expectantly to Dobbins feet]

[Some strands of grass and loose vines begin to tangle themselves around DOBBIN's feet.]

Dobbin : [Screaming like a girl] Aiieeee! [Swings at the vines with his sword, cutting himself] Aaargh!

Harvey : [Looks in surprise at Chastity] Why, sister, Phili indeed smiles at you today! I'll keep my eyes peeled for the other one! [Looks closely at the undergrowth]

Clint : [Cleaning a drip of blood from his lips] Is that the best you can do, little wimp? [To Chastity] Chas, untie him so I can fight him properly! [Pauses] Then again, forget about it, it's not worth it. [Punches Dobbin in the stomach]

[CLINT punches DOBBIN, and knocks him over. However, because of the particularly spongy nature of the vines holding him, he springs back up again, only to be punched a second time by CLINT. When he springs back up this time, he somehow misses CLINT's first.]

Alice : Where did that drop of blood come from Clint? After all, all he did was hit you on the arm! Now, I'm sure we can just sort this out in a civilised fashion. You there, Dobbin. We're not the people who killed your family, we're the good guys, the heroes. We're here to help you, so what do you say?

Dobbin : I say you're a whore you'll be among the first against the wall when the revolution comes.

Alice : [Shocked] Kill him, Clint!

Harvey : [Stops looking at the undergrowth and spins around] What did you just call my niece, you little ballyhoo? [Shakes his fist in Dobbins face] How dare you, you upstart! By the saints, what a thing to say! Release him from his bonds, good sister, for I will teach this child a lesson in manners! [Assumes the classicical boxing stance] Have at you!

Dobbin : [Cutting the last of the vines, and falling to the ground in front of Harvey] Choose your weapon, Colonel Slash, for this will be your last fight. [Starts to get up]

Clint : [Still cleaning the blood from his mouth] I bit my tongue, Alice. [To Harvey] Oh c'mon Harv, this little fecker is really not worth it! [Tries to push Dobbin back onto the ground]

Alice : [Exasperated at Clint's foolishness] Bit your tongue? Wouldn't it be a whole lot more in your line to bite [points at Dobbin] his tongue?

Dobbin : [Falling back to the ground] You bastard! I'm going to kill you for that! [Jumps up, but his sword flies out of his hand, and lands quite a distance behind the party]

Harvey : [Does a few punching moves and jigs around a bit, already massively sweaty and red of face] It is my nieces honour which has been afronted, so only she can say whether to, what's the colloqial term, duff him up, or not.

Alice : [Looking from Mr. Heart Attack to Dobbin] No, I think he's learned his lesson.

Dobbin : [Shouting] You're all a bunch of bastards! [Quietly] Er, can I have my sword back?

Chastity : [Walking over and picking up Dobbins sword] No, you can't, with disgraceful language like that. I'm confiscating this item. Now go home and wash your mouth out, you foul tongued urchin ! And don't come back until you've learned some manners !

Dobbin : [Pointing at Chastity] I'm telling you, vengence [deepens voice] will be mine! I will return to kill you all, and will wreak a horrific-

Duncan : [Head butting Dobbin] Get that stitched, Jimmy!

[DOBBIN flies to the ground, unconscious and covered in blood.]

Harvey : [Drops his hands to his sides, puffing and panting] Alright Alice, my dear, I'll spare the young upstart a terrible humiliation. [Walks away unsteadily to catch his breath]

Alice : [Wrinkling her nose up in disgust at the state of Dobbin] Er, thanks Uncle. [Helps calm him down] He was close to getting it there, eh?

Chastity : [Holding sword between thumb and forefinger, with look of disdain] Would anyone care to take care of this?

Harvey : I guess the other one ran off when things got hairy for his brother, ha! So, let us continue to the city walls! [Takes the sword from Chastity and hurls it into the undergrowth]

Clint : [To Chastity] Ah sure now Chast, you wouldn't mind carrying it, now would you? [Looking with mocking smile at Dicey and then continuing] In all fairness now? You could even try to use it!

Dicey : [With a tear in his eye] Sure and begorrah, 'tis like you're from the old country. Ah, how I miss it, the soft, rambling hills of Connaught, the clear, crystal lakes of Killarney, the vomit and blood stained streets of Limerick. Ah! `

Fenton : Hey guy, are we going to sneak into the city, eh?

Clint : How just great, another tear shearing session. Can't we just move on? C'mon Fenton, let's get to the city!

Fenton : Okay guy, I like your style.

[Everyone walks on for a few minutes, until they come to the walls of Hysteria. The entire town is surrounded by a huge wall.]

Vasco : [Running towards an innocuous looking bush, and planting a flag beside it] I claim this secret stash of disguises for the glory of Prince Manuel, Prince John and His Holiness the Pope. [Kneels in front of the flag and blesses himself.]

Harvey : [Looks bemused at Vasco, before parting the bush to examine the disguises]

Clint : Disguises, that's great!, we'll be able to bring the old sist with us after all. [Goes over to check the disguises with Harvey]

[The disguises consist of two pantomime donkeys, and one pantomime cow.]

Dicey : Sure, aren't they great?

Alice : [Peering at the huge donkey suit in front of Harvey] You know, Dicey, we were thinking more along the lines of fakes moustaches and beards, glasses and large false noses, that kind of thing.

Austin : [Smirking to himself] Like yours, you mean?

Alice : [Eyes narrowing at Austin] You're going in my list of enemies. [Writes something down on a piece of paper.]

Harvey : [Shakes his head and covers the disguises with the bush, rubs his eyes and parts the bush again] Gah! [Turns to Dicey] Are you mad, fellow? These disguises wouldn't fool a halfwit! Let alone the city guards! [Suspiciously] Where are your disguises?

Dicey : Ah now, sure doesn't that show how good they are that you can't even see them? Here, look, I'm disguised as a wily Irish man, Vasco here as a foppish explorer, Fenton as some kind of American -

Fenton : [Dropping his geniality for once] Hey guy - its not American!

Dicey : Sorry, Fenton, and Duncan is disguised as a Scotti- I mean, as a Frenchman.

Chastity : [To Alice] With the condition you're in my dear, you'd better be the cow's arse, as you'd make best use of the udder space. And you [Turns to Clint] can be a donkey's arse, for obvious reasons.

Alice : [Recoiling in shock as if slapped in the face] I - I - [composes herself] Oh sister, you gave me a surprise, I didn't expect you to put the cow's head on so quickly. [Looks closely at Chastity] Oops! My mistake, sorry!

Harvey : [Confused] But you are an Irishman, foppish explorer, not American and Fff..Frenchman!

Chastity : [To Alice] Your mistake indeed, I am actually holding a donkey's head. [To Harvey] I'm sure that the Colonel will accompany in this donkey disguise. As a woman of moral virtues, I'll need a good man behind me. [Smiles to herself at her clever pun]

Harvey : But dear sister, with my military mind, I would need to be the eyes of the operation. How else would we know where real danger lurks! And this, you have viewed Torque but briefly, and could easily gallop passed him on a busy street!

Chastity : Well if you think that the best course of action, I'll back you up - lead On. [Beams broadly at the rest of the group at her double pun handling wizardry] You'd better have this then. [Hands donkey's head to Harvey, and picks up the rear end of the same outfit] Just mind to watch the effects of those curried sprouts!

Harvey : [Looks at the donkeys head grumpily, before turning to Dicey] This is never going to work! Two donkeys and a cow, wandering aimlessly through the streets of Undercity? Inconcieveble!

Dicey : Ah, sure, you'll be grand! We'll pretend to be farmers - a stretch for me, I know - and that we're herding you through the city. [Takes out a stick and pokes Austin in the bottom with it] Go on, mush!

[AUSTIN doesn't reply, and just glares back at DICEY.]

Alice : [Holding the back end of the cow] Will anyone believe that a donkey would have such a large rear end, Chastity?

Harvey : [Puts his half of the costume on and adjusts the eye holes] By the saints, if the lads in the Fifth could see me now! Right then, where's me ass? [Laughs long and loud, ending in a coughing, breathing fit]

Alice : [Pointing at Chastity] There.

Clint : [Picking up the cow's head] Right, if we really need to do this. Who wants to be my ass? [Pointing at Austin] Apart from you, that is.

[AUSTIN and JEROME both make a grab for the other donkey suit, with JEROME grabbing the head.]

Austin : I prefer not to place my head in such a lice infested place.

Alice : [Suddenly looks startled at the cow's back end in her hand] Oh no! I'm Clint's ass? How did that happen?

Clint : Guess you're stuck with me, Bimbo! [Puts the cow head on] Meuuuh!

Alice : [Joining up with Clint, so sounding a bit stifled] Oh. My. God. [Pulls out again, with her face and hair soaked with sweat] Let's just let Adam capture and torture us!

Harvey : Are you ready sister? [Trots over to Chastity]

Alice : I think I'll go with Jerome, instead. [Joins onto Jerome.]

[JEROME of course, was wearing the second donkey head, while ALICE is wearing the COW bottom.]

Austin : While I know it is highly unlikely that this ludicrous plan has even the remotest chance of working, I suspect it is even more unlikely that this mysterious half cow half donkey will fool anyone!

Vasco : [Running towards cow/donkey combination, and sticking a flag sticker onto the side of it] I claim this miraculous new creation the glory of Prince Manuel, Prince John and His Holiness the Pope. [Kneels in front of the conkey and blesses himself.]

Chastity : [To Harvey] As ready as I'll ever be to sneak into a hostile city wearing a pantomime donkey suit to assasinate a fanatical despot, I suppose. Lets go!

Clint : [Lights the cigar protruding from his cows mouth and exhales, chuckling] Guess you're stuck with me, bimb. But never mind, I'm sure my dysentry has almost cleared up. I've just being able to fart with confidence!

Alice : [Breaking off from Jerome] As long as you can fart without leakage, I suppose I'll put up with it. [To Darius] How come you're not going into one of these costumes?

Darius : Because I value my self respect.

Harvey : So how are you going to get into the city?

Darius : [As the entourage begins to head towards the city] I'm just going to walk in with these people - remember, the guards won't be looking out for me. Once we're through the gate, you'll be okay though, there won't be that much activity in the city, most people, including the guards, are too afraid to go out.

Jerome : [Inside the costume] Ow! What was that?

Austin : [Who's smirk and sneer can be heard even through the costume] My apologies, good doctor, I was merely trying to get a good grip.

Harvey : [Looking through the eyeholes of the costume, stomach rumbing loudly] Gah, I'm famished! Does anybody have something to eat? I can't go on until I have some food! I'd even settle for a blasted carrot, I'm so hungry!

Fenton : Hey guy, keep it down, we're at the gate, eh?

Gaurd : Halt, who goes there?

Dicey : Sure'n begorrah, sir, 'tis a soft day thank God. Sure I'm only a simple farmer, bringing these fine animals to market.

Alice : [Whispering to Clint] Aw, yuck! What just fell off your pants?

Clint : Your lips, bimbo!

[ALICE pokes her sword into CLINT, who gives a yelp of pain and surprise.]

Guard : What the hell was that?

Dicey : Ah, sir, now that was nothing at all, in all fairness. Just old Daisy here. [Pokes the back of the cow with this stick.]

Alice : Ow!

Dicey : Sure, y'know, some of these animals are almost like people.

Guard : Okay, on you go.

[Enter ALL, through the town gates.]

[Book II, Act VI, Scene VI. The Streets of Hysteria. DICEY, VASCO, DUNCAN, FENTON and DARIUS are here. Also here in the first donkey suit are HARVEY(front) and CHASTITY(back), in the second suit JEROME (front) and CHASTITY (back) and in the cow suit CLINT (front) and ALICE (back).]

Dicey : Sure'n begorrah, bejasus and bejabbers, between me forty coats and me fifty pockets I do declare in front of holy Mary and all the saints except saint George that I do believe that we've made it in, are you lot alright?

Harvey : Thank Phili for that! By the saints, it's hot in here! How long must we keep these disguises on for?

Dicey : I don't rightly now, sir, but you know, you make a fine looking donkey! [Slaps Chastity's arse]

Chastity : Mooooo! ll be sorry for doing that, young man. We'll have no "dobbin the the donkey" while I'm here, thank you. previous 005.

Clint : Moo? Very amusing, Chassers. Even funnier if you were in the cow suit, not the donkey outfit! This way Alice. [Backs up his cow suit into a particularly vicious looking prickly bush]

Alice : [Twisting back the other way, so head and arse are almost touching] Cut that out, Clint!

Jerome: [Pulling off the head to reveal a very red face, to Austin] Sir, if you ever attempt to fondle any part of my anatomy again I will surgically remove your testicles sans scrotum and graft them to your buttocks. Are we clear?

Austin : Put that head back on, you fool! Not only will it act as a disguise, it also makes your face less displeasing to behold!

Chastity : Does anyone exactly know where are going, and if we can get out of these suits now? Phili knows that it is improper for a Sister of the Cloth to be bent double gazing up a gentleman's posterior, albeit a clad one.

Harvey : Indeed so, good sister! I can not wait to get out of this ridiculous costume!

Alice : Phili knows it is improper for anyone to be bent double gazing up a barbarian's posterior!

Darius : The plan is to get into Adam's castle, and assassinate him. If, by some chance, we get seperated, each of you must try and get in there. It is crucial that he dies. Dicey and his men will smuggle us into the castle.

Austin : How?

Darius : By pretending that you're a troupe of pantomime animals, of course!

Alice : [Resigned sigh] How often have I had that thought, Harvey....

Clint : Oh I don't know Alice, I'm starting to enjoy it now! [Wiggles his ass and puffs on his cigar]

Dicey : [Knocking the cigar from Clint's mouth] What the hell are you doin'? Ye feckin eejit! Ye were supposed to keep a low profile! To blend in! Is this what you call blending in? Is it? [Shouts] Is it?

Duncan : [Tapping Dicey on the shoulder, bring to his attention the large group of people now watching] Dinnae lose yer temper, Jimmy, there's folk a-watchin.

Harvey : Alright troop, be as quiet as possible until we're out of these suits! [The group of people quickly hurry away.]

Darius : I thought Hysteria was known for having very few people on the streets, what's going?

Fenton : Hey guy, how do I know, eh? But lets check out.

Dicey : Hi! Hi! [Prods the animals in front of him]

Duncan : Oi, Jimmy, mon ami. Let me have a go. [Takes the stick and gives the front of Harvey's donkey a really hard smack] Yeeaha! Roll up for donkey rides!

[The group move on, until the come to a large square, where ADAM TORQUE is addressing the crowd, with his usual fiery rhetoric.]

Adam : [Getting carried away with the emotion of his sermon] And I tell you, devils roam the land. They take forms that are familiar, to trick us into complacency. We must take action, for those who can take these forms cannot take the form of Scalies, only those touched by the gift of Scalies will survive the coming onslaught. They will be my chosen people, and I will lead them to safety, as I did two thousand years ago during the first coming of Seth.

[The crowd, made up of some Scalies sufferers, but mainly normals, are listening with total attention, giving the occasional cheer.]

Alice : Two thousand years ago? What the hell is he talking about?

Chastity : [Quietly] Tutt! Seth was a devil, who led a horde of evil and apocalypse over the land. Back to Phili-school for you after this, young lady.

Alice : Yeah, but he was hardly here two thousand years ago, was he?

Adam : [Nodding to the crowd, as though aware of their scepticism about his latest claim] Yes, friends this is not the first time I walked amongst you, two thousand years ago I fought the same fight, and our victory was glorious. Once we had defeated them, I was laid to rest in an eternal chamber, and awoken when evil once again stalked the land. And friends, what I see now is what ravaged our land previously. Before my eyes was a white horse, and its rider held a bow. He was given a crown, and he rode forth, conquering and to conquer. And out came another horse, all red. To its rider was given power to take peace from the earth and make men slaughter one another; and he was given a great sword. And there, as I looked, was a black horse and its rider held in his hand a pair of scales and there, as I looked, was another horse, sickly pale and its rider's name was Death. To him was given power over a quarter of the earth, with the right to kill by sword and by famine, by pestilence and wild beasts. Aye, my friends, I witnessed the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, and witnessed their defeat.

Harvey : [Incredulous] By the saints, the man has gone completely mad! Riders of the apocalypse? I mean, really! [Quietly to Darius] Can you see any of the scalies?

Darius : [Standing behind the pantomime animals, and leaning forward to Harvey] There are quite a few of them around here - and those without it don't seem to be bothered by them. That's the first time I've seen that.

Adam : And now, my friends, they walk amongst us again, and I fear that their defeat will not come as easily as it did before. The four horsemen are going to be reunited, with their evil soldiers, to wreak havoc upon the earth. Their leader, Iok Sotot, the most evil creature to ever live, and Pestilence Sotot, who could turn men against each other, and even on themselves, such was his evil. And - [breaks off, as he looks down at the group] Evil ones! Evil ones amongst us!

Dicey : Sure'n begorrah, bejasus and bejabbers, between me forty coats and me fifty pockets I do declare in front of holy Mary and all the saints except saint George that he's spotted us, let's get the hell out of here!

Clint : [To Dicey] I knew this stupid plan of yours wasn't going to work! You've put us all asses on the line! Time to ditch the cow, Bimbo! [Throws off his disguise] Jerome, give Beaucaphalus to me!

Dicey : Leg it!

[As CLINT throws off his disguise, ALICE falls flat on her face, into, incredibly, a large mound of cow-shit.]

Alice : What the -?

Jerome : [Pulling off his disguise] What do you propose, Mr. Scar? To fight our way out?

[The party are in a large square, with about two hundred people, most of whom are now running about the place screaming.]

Adam : Behold! They have enchanted livestock!

Guard : [Who happened to be standing nearby] Kill the half donkey half man!

Chastity : [ Throwing off donkey arse disguise] Jerome, do you know that man? He's obviously met you before! [Mumbles incantation in guard's direction]

Clint : [Lights a cigar and looks at the crowd and shrugs] I've faced bigger odds. Well, stand and fight, or run away like a pack of yelping mongrels? [Blows smoke into the air]

Alice : Er, bark?

[The GUARD running towards the party, suddenly trips, sending his sword flying.]

Panicker #1 : Aiiieee! Flying swords! We're all gonna die! Panicker #2 : [Being engulfed by Chastity's discarded costume] Help! Help! I'm being attacked by an ass's ass!

[There are a number of other guards approaching.]

Darius : Let's split up - try to get into Adam's place by 6 tonight, that's when I'll be there.

Harvey : [Throws off his costume and draws his sword, picking Alice up from the ground] Alice, Chastity, behind me, quickly! Having weighed all the options, and given thoughtful perusal to the safety of the ladies, we'll tactfully withdraw for now, by the saints, and yes, meet you later. Come troop!

Alice : [Wiping her face] Let's go! Look, down this alleyway! [Charges down, only to run into a poster of an alley] What? Why the hell do people do these things?

Harvey : [Looks at the poster] Hmmm, I wonder? [Sticks his sword in the poster and rips downwards] [HARVEY rips the poster in half, to reveal that there is an alleyway behind it.]

Alice : [Pouting] Hey!

Clint : [Puffing on his cigar, turns to look at the guards racing towards them] Well hello! [Takes out his own sword and suddenly lets out a huge roar, running a few feet towards the guards, before stopping abrubtly and guaging their reaction]

Harvey : [Soothingly, to Alice] But my dear, it was your marvellous idea! I would never have thought to run down the alleyway! Pray, lead on, sweet niece!

Alice : Thanks Harvey! [Charges through, only to run into another poster of an alley] Aw! How the hell did that happen?

[The group of guards stop in front of CLINT, and exchange looks. Two of the run away screaming, but three draw swords.]

Clint : [Swings his sword from hand to hand, backing up slowly. To the party] Whatever you brains are thinking of doing, you'd want to do it now! [Takes the cigar out of his mouth and suddenly flicks it into the closest guards face, followed quickly by an attack using his sword]

[The cigar bounces harmlessly of the guard.]

Guard : [Running away screaming] Help! Help! I'm on fire!

Alice : [Pulls the other poster down, revealing a blank wall behind it] Gah!

Austin : [Pointing to a nearby carriage] Quick, let's steal this.

Alice : But we don't have the keys!

Austin : [With an evil grin] Who needs keys?

Chastity : [To Austin, sighing] Why am I not surprised? Come on then, or can you not make good of you boasts. [Runs over to carriage and gets on one of the steps to get a better view of prospective escape routes]

[AUSTIN jumps onto the carriage with CHASTITY, and begins to hotwire the horses, who give a little whinney, before rising up on their back legs.]

Austin : [Smiling to himself] Maplin succeeds yet again. [To the others] This carriage will depart in thirty seconds, I suggest you be on it.

Harvey : [Surprised] Dear sister, surely you don't condone the theft of a carriage? Hmm, well, if the church doesn't mind this sort of thing! Come Alice! [Jumps aboard]

Clint : [Picks up his cigar and leaps into the coach] Well what do you know, the lawyer actually has a use!

Alice : [Leaping on gracefully] You shouldn't look upon it as theft, Uncle, more the reallocation of resources from a filthy rich merchant who abuses his workforce, to a more deserving group.

[Enter FILTHY MERCHANT, just as JEROME flings himself onto the carriage, somehow landing on a combination of ALICE, HARVEY, CHASTITY and CLINT.]

Filthy : Hey! My carriage! I was just about to use it to donate food to the relatives of my happy workforce!

Alice : Oh well. --0-2077765923-1001069659=:1609

Harvey : [Surprised] Dear sister, surely you don't condone the theft of a carriage? Hmm, well, if the church doesn't mind this sort of thing! Come Alice! [Jumps aboard]

Harvey : [Opens a bag of food] Oh happy day, dear niece! [Bangs on the roof of the carriage] Austin! Go go go!

[JEROME takes out a dart, and takes careful aim at one of the pursuers. After an age, he fires it, causing the man to fall to the ground, but also for the two immediately behind him to fall over him.]

Jerome :  Chalk one up for the inherent goodness of mathematics! The calculator is stonger than the sword!

Alice : [Applauding] Excellent! Excellent! This is better than the Seastone Cops any day!

Dicey : [Struggling to get to the carriage] Wait for me! Sure 'n begorrah you dirty bunch of feckers had better wait!

Chastity : [Spotting an alleyway without any guards, and pointing to it] Look at that travel agents poster, it says "Escape to Phili'". It's a sign for the Almighty, showing us the way. [Elbows Austin, abit harder than was really required to get his attention] Quickly thieving lawyer, drive us down there!

Austin : [Grimacing at Chastity] The more prodding and praying that go on in the carriage, the more difficult it will be for me to drive. [Does a hand brake turn, sending the carriage screaming around with a cloud of dust from the wheels]

Duncan : Ye dirty bastards! [Grabs one of the horses and headbutts it.]

Vasco : [Drawing his sword, and sticking it into the ground] I am Vasco de Sao Nuno Gomes. For this act of desertion, I swear on the honour of Prince Manuel, Prince John and His Holiness the Pope that I will have my revenge.

Harvey : [Shouts out the window] You told us to split up! Listen, we'll see you outside the fortress at six!

Dicey : [Shaking his blackthorn at Harvey] Ye dirty lying bastard! I said nothing of the sort!

[Smack. DICEY gets smashed over the head by a GUARD with a baton.]

Austin : [As the carriage zooms past Dicey] Now its your turn to rot in jail. [Gives him an evil smile, and starts driving the carriage directly at the wall where Alice ran into the poster.]

Clint : [Takes a cigar from his pocket and throws it to Dicey] Here, have a Hamlet!

[The guards holding down DICEY look at the cigar.]

Guard #1 : Aaaargh! Dynamite!

[Everyone in the square dives to the ground.]

Guard #2 : Hey, what is dynamite? Guard #1 : [Mumbling] Idunno.

[Slowly everyone gets up again.]

Guard #2 : Aaaargh! Unknown scary substance! [Everyone in the square dives to the ground. Meanwhile AUSTIN is just feet away from the wall.]

Austin : Yeeeha! --0-1084109981-1001072555=:79641 [The guards holding down DICEY look at the cigar.] Guard #1 : Aaaargh! Dynamite! [Everyone in the square dives to the ground.] Guard #2 : Hey, what is dynamite? Guard #1 : [Mumbling] Idunno. [Slowly everyone gets up again.] Guard #2 : Aaaargh! Unknown scary substance! [Everyone in the square dives to the ground. Meanwhile AUSTIN is just feet away from the wall.]

Austin : Yeeeha!

Jerome: Austin! Are you out of your mind? [Scrambles behind Chastity] When riding in a vehicle without air bags, one must improvise.

[AUSTIN plunges through the wall, showing it to simply be a poster, pasted up in front of an alleyway.]

Alice : [Shocked] Hey!

Harvey : [Rummaging in the red cross food parcels] By the saints, what a strange town this is! Chicken leg?

[ALICE turns and glares at HARVEY for a few seconds, with her face all red and lower lip jutting out, before slapping him across the face.]

Austin : Now that I have saved the party once again, perhaps someone might have a suggestion as to our next course of action?

Harvey : [Mouth hanging open in surprise] Good God Alice! What's gotten into you! Where is the offence in offering you food? Gah! [Folds his arms and glares out the window]

Alice : [Incredulously] Food? [Looks down at the chicken leg] Oh. [Folds her arms and looks out the other window.]

Jerome : You know, of course, dearest Alice, that that is not a window, but a mirror?

Alice : I knew that.

Austin : [Slowing the carriage down, and looking into the back] Okay, what do we do now?

Chastity : What we need is a good place to hide out until 6 o'clock. As the only local among us, I wonder if the horse knows? [Bows head and mumbles a prayer to Phili] [To horse pilling carriage] Excuse me, my equine friend, where is a good place to hide out around here? There's some good food and a rub down in in for you.

Clint : [Smiling, looking from Harvey to Alice] Drive to that talk show we were at the other day! The one with the ugly old tart where we met up with Hitchjerk! [Rubs his hands together] Gonna make some prime time viewing, this!

Alice : [Scowling at Clint] That wasn't even in this town, Clint! [To Chastity, sarcastically] What does the horse have to say for himself?

[The horse that CHASTITY speaks to seems to ignore her, but one of the others (there are four, including one who was headbutted and is now little more than a passenger) looks back at her.]

Horse : [Speaking quite clearly, so everyone can understand] Yes, Sister, I have a perfect hiding place in mind.

Chastity : [Acting like a speaking horse is a common everyday occurrence] Excellent, could you take us there please? as long as the driver is in agreement. We'll see that you are amply rewarded, [Glances at Jerome] with whatever you want within our power and within reason. What do you think, Austin? [Sits back to see what else is in the red cross parcel]

Horse : Actually, I am kind of tired, so would it be possible to come into the back with you? The others will manage to pull the cart without any problem.

[CHASTITY pulls open the red cross parcel to reveal that it is full of woolly jumpers.]

Chastity : [To Horse] Hold on, I'll see if there is any room. [Looks around to see where any space could be created] [To Clint] For a start, Clint, you could sit with your knees a bit closer together. You've one less 'tween thigh filling than most men, and secondly it'll stop the carriage smelling like the street between a yeast infection clinic and a stilton factory in midsummer. No offense meant, of course, I just being objective. [Continues to look round carriage]

Harvey : By the saints, sister Chastity! We cannot share this tiny cabin with a horse! Tell him he can have all the rest he requires when we get to a hiding place! And as many sugarlumps as he can eat!

Clint : Of course sister. However, if you stuck your sanctimonious ass out the window you'd free up enough room for not only the horses, but the entire town of Hysteria. [Smiles] Just being objective.

Alice : [Outraged] Sugar lumps? [Thinks for a while] Hm, yeah, I suppose that's fair enough.

Horse : Excellent! [Takes his head off, revealing it to be none other than Irving Washington in the top half of a pantomime horse outfit]

Irving : Ah! It is so great to be out of that! [Big smile] How wonderful to see you all again!

Irving : [Smiles even more broadly] So, I see Clint hasn't changed!

Alice : [Glaring at Clint] Neither his behaviour nor his clothing.

Chastity : [Also glaring at Clint] No, you cretin, you're just being objectional.

Irving : [Climbing aboard] Hi folks - mind if my horse's ass joins too?

Clint : Not at all. In fact, I've been looking forward to talking to you about your mate Argy. [Cracks his knuckles]

Harvey : Now private Scar, the professor has helped us out on more than one occasion, I'm sure this Bargy person tricked him as easily as he tricked all of you. [To Irving] Come in, come in professor! How good it is to see you again!

Irving : [Nervously] Thanks Colonel. [Looks at Clint] Er, yes, I was meaning to talk to you about that. I'm terribly sorry - I don't know what happened. Poor old Manfred barely got out alive, it was only through my network of cheese smugglers that I could rescue him.

[MANFRED MANN steps out of the bottom of the horse suit.]

Manfred : [Waving to Austin] Hey man, pretty fine driving man.

Harvey : [Looks Manfred up and down, with a definite air of disapproval] Eh, who's this longhair?

Manfred : [Stretching his hand out to Harvey] Hey man! I'm Manfred Mann, man!

Alice : [To Harvey] Yeah man, Manfred Mann, man! He's the one I was telling you about - he was with us in the jail in Cointreau when Argy Bargy turned on us. If I remember, Manfred curled up in a little ball and began crying.

[MANFRED says nothing, but gives a big wink to the party.]

Conor, Belated congradulations on your success and the new job. As you probably gathered from M&D, things have been very pressurised for us with Eithne's Aunt so I didn't get round to contacting you. When do you start or have you started ? Smart move to get promoted out of the Lecturing position before the Benchmarking Body puts the boot into that grade ! Who knows what will occur with Senior Lecturer ? Paul

Jerome: Good Doctor, very nice to see you again. Perhaps we should get to the hiding spot you mentioned before we get reacquainted.

Manfred : [Pulling his hand back from Harvey] O-kay. I see what's going on here, man. [Nods to himself]

Irving : [To Jerome] Too late! [Roars with a very irritating nerdy nasal laugh] But you are correct. I will take the reins, and we can then talk properly.

[IRVING sits up on top with AUSTIN and moves the carriage on about six inches.]

Irving : Ah! Here we are! [Gestures to a small house]

Chastity : [To Irving] A capital bit of navigation. Maybe, whilst we are in hiding, maybe you two [Gestures to Jerome] inventors can come up with an invention to help us tonight.

Jerome: What a wonderful idea. [To Irving] Is there a proper laboratory at this hidey hole, Doctor? I have an idea in mind, but I will require several large springs and some canvas. Also some chewing gum.

[Everyone alights from the carriage and enters the house. All the ground floor has been knocked into one huge room, which contains all manner of common household items, wired together in all kinds of strange ways, making it look like there is one huge sequence of test tubes. The tubes all contain some kind of viscous yellow liquid.]

Alice : [Staring at the equipment] Wow! This is amazing, what do you do here?

Irving : This is my cheese laboratory. I make cheese here.

Manfred : This is his cheese laboratory. I sit around here inhaling cheese fumes.

Alice : [Nodding her head] Okay, I see. Why is there such a strong smell of cheese? [Looks behind her at Clint] Oh! Now I see!

Clint : See what? [Looks behind him at Chastity] Oh! Now I see!

Chastity : [Eating large stilton and brie sandwich from one of the Red cross parcels][to Clint, indignantly] Yes? Can I help you?

Alice : What? [Looks behind Chastity at what appears to be a funnel connceted to an accordian] What's that?

Irving : Cheese odour multiplier.

Alice : [Pointing to small clock, connected to several phials] And this?

Irving : Lactose measuring device.

Alice : [Indicating a toe nail clippers, with a tiny spark shooting across the top] Wow! What purpose does this serve?

Irving : Acid abundance avoider.

Alice : What does this do? [Points to a toaster]

Irving : Why, young lass, it makes toast! [K-ching! Up pops two nicely browned slices.]

Alice : [Looks at Chastity's sandwich] Is that what I think it is?

Chastity : It depends on what you think it is, doesn't it dear. The jar in the parcel said "Jack's magic sandwich filling - tastes that mirror your surroundings". In here it tastes cheesy, funnily enough. I don't want to say what it tasted like near the horse!!

Alice : Phew, so its not a badger, then!

Irving : [To Chastity] Dear Sister, you had better step away from there, for you are beside the bathroom door. [Glares at Manfred]

Manfred : [Hands up] Hey man, I was only doing what comes naturally, man!

Irving : [Turning back to the party] So, what fantastic adventures are you up to now? How can I be of assistance?

Chastity : [To Irving] No, we're over here. You're facing the wrong way. [Speaking Panto style] We're behind you!

Austin : [Sneering at Chastity] Anyone not facing you, Sister, is clearly facing the right way. Dr. Washington, [dramatically] we are here to kill Adam Torque!

[Suddenly every piece of equipment in the lab stops humming/pumping/bubbling, and IRVING goes pale.]

Alice : [Stepping of a large rubber tube] Oops, excuse me. [All the equipment starts again.]

Irving : [Going back to his natural colour] Kill Adam Torque, eh? That will be a difficult task - you know he now claims to have been brought back to life from the past?

Chastity : That doesn't scare us. Most of us have died before. Or should that be died to come? Or should that be thought we'd died before but actually it was still to come? Or..[ Pauses, looks at sandwich and puts the reminants in a nearby bucket] What in Phili's name is in that stuff?

Irving : [Peers into the bucket] I'm not sure, but I suspect it will either kill you or you'll never be sick again. You should be so cavalier about Adam, Sister, he is a very dangerous man. Cointreau is totally under his spell, and, even though he only arrived here in Hysteria a few days ago, he is whipping them into a .. well, into a hysteria!

Austin : [Dramatically, staring at each member in turn] We must descern what evil polts and exploits Torque has devised and implemented, and with the evidence we shall get Eva to turn against him, expose his evil ways and the proletariat will instantly fall to Evas side and shun Torque. Then we shall crush him!

Alice : Expose him? If he's as evil as everyone says, won't he expose himself?

Harvey : Gah! That damned pervert! We must stop him before he goes about flashing his diseased personage at every innocent that is unfortunate enough to come within sight of his dirty raincoat.

Irving : Well, at the risk of damaging your plan, the news on the street is that Eva is about to be murdered.

Clint : [To Austin] Geez Lawyer, you sound just like Lenin. [To Irving] Murdered? By whom? A pretty face like that, what a waste!

Irving : By you!

[There is a rumble of thunder followed by a crash of lightening.]

Manfred : [Looking over at Alice, who is holding a metal tray] Hey man, stop that!

Alice : Sorry! Just trying to add a little atmosphere.

Clint : What? Again? [Starts scratching himself] Oh great, here it comes again, that feeling of DJ view, like the french say...

Alice : The French? I thought they used to say "here's that blonde again, let's all pretend we can't speak English."

Jerome : If I may, I suggest that what Dr. Washington is referring to is the fact that we had been sent to Cointreau by Mr. Brown to kill Maria. [Bowing slightly to Irving] You may rest assured, sir, that this will not happen now.

Irving : Maybe not, but the rumour I've heard is that Argy Bargy* will kill her, and her bodyguards, the Kennys**, will claim it was you lot!

Austin : [Very seriously posing] Yes, he is trying the same stunt again, I believe that Eva believed me the last time I called the truth to her as we were attacked by the Whos. This time we need to outsmart Adam. Contacting Eva will be imposible without alerting Torque, so we need to figureout a way of contecting Eva, with out Torques interference, that won't be to Toruqes advantage, even if he does know the message. Perhaps we could get an aeroplane to leave a message in smoke, over the city!

Irving : Good idea, lad, but this is a smoke free zone, so it would be spotted immediately. She goes nowhere without the Kennys, even when she goes to pray in the church conveniently located across the street from our secret hideout.

Alice : Speaking of secret hideouts, shouldn't we close the curtains?

[Everyone turns to look out the window, only to see there is a crowd of about fifty people gathered outside watching.]

Clint : Why? We have nothing to hide, apart from a plan to kill Adam and the Kennys, and an illegal cheese making machine! [Looks at the window with wide open eyes, makes a scary face, and shouts] Meeeuh!

Irving : Ee, lad, there's no point in doing that. Its a one way window, although we can see them, they can't see us.

Alice : Are you sure its not the other way around? That they can see us, but we can't see them?

Irving : Pretty sure, yes. They are gathered there to try and get a chance to speak with Maria before she goes to church. They all have their backs to the church in the hope that the Kennys won't cotton on to what they are doing and hunt them off.

Alice : You know, Clint, that face you made is only slightly less scary than your usual face!

Chastity : Maybe we could get a note to Maria as she goes into the church. That's assuming that we come up with a cast iron, sure fire plan before then. [Looks disapointed at this realisation][To Irving] Any idea when she is due to make her visit to the church? And what denomination is that church? I can't see for the crowd.

Alice : [Squinting at the window] What crowd?

Harvey : Dearest niece, it is them that can't see us, not the other way around.

Irving : It is a church of Phili, sister. She usually comes at 5pm, that's fifteen minutes away.

Alice : What time is it now?

Irving : Er, 4.45.

Alice : Okay, that gives us about twenty minutes - what's the plan?

Austin : [Checking the whiteness of his gloves] We could get a plane to fly over the city leaving a trail of smokeless flame that reads: 'Argy and the Kennys are going to kill Eva and blame it on someone else'.

Irving : Interesting idea, young Austin. However, there is only one functional aeroplane in existence in the whole of the realms, and, as that is only a model large enough to fit a small hamster, I suspect we won't be able to go down that route.

Alice : How well trained is the hamster?

Irving : Not well trained enough to spell.

Alice : What? He can fly a plane, but can't spell?

Irving : You've obviously never seen a pilot's application form for Aer Lingus!

Austin : [Dramatically, fast but modest gesticulations] So we have about enough time to create a diversion for the crowd, sneak into the church and save Eva from the kennys and Argy, and then escape, possibly using another diversion!

Clint : We could scare the crowd when Eva would be arriving. They would then rush everywhere causing chaos, and we could try to kidnap Eva in the meantime. Or we can just send the old sister here to the church right now, close her in the confession box, and hope that Eva has loads of dark secrets to confess: Chas here could then warn her about Argy.

Alice : Is the church open, Irving?

Irving : No, it is unlocked when she arrives. I think the Kennys have the key - of course, the local priest also probably has one. Many people have tried to bribe him to get into the church to speak with her, but none have succeeded.

Clint : [Cracking his knuckles] I can give it a try. Where does he live?

Austin : [To Clint] Perhaps I should try first, he possibly lives in the church. We could go over there dressed as monks, [To Irvine] if you have any spare hooded robes?

Irving : Why, yes, yes I do. I usually get some of my employees to dress up in the robes when they are distributing the cheese - they tend not to attract too much attention that way, what with the whole town been struck with a religious frenzy.

Jerome: [Takes out his pocket knife and folds out a screwdriver, picks up the toaster and makes a few quick adjustments] I believe I have found a way to deliver a message to Maria. Behold, the Dr Jerome K Trindle Bsc Phd Edible Message Delivery System, better known as eat-mail. Observe. [Takes the toast, butters one side, on the other side writes a quick message using grape jelly.] Now, we place the toast back in the aperture, like so, and depress the plunger. Hold the toaster like so, aiming at your intended recipient, and wait just a few seconds... [three minutes later, with smoke billowing from the toaster, it pops, sending the flaming toast shooting accross the room to richochet off the far wall. Jerome drops the burning hot toaster with a yelp and sticks both hands into the tub of butter]. Perhaps a few adjustments need to be made to the launch mechanism. Doctor, do you have a refridgeration unit on the premises?

Irving : [Putting out one of Jerome's fires with a fire extinguisher] If, by refigeration unit you mean something like this [gestures to a bucket of ice cold water, full of cans of Jolt] then the answer is yes, yes, yes! However, if you mean something like this [holds out a brochure for the Acme Portable Freezing Kit, which looks like a small toasted sandwich maker] then the answer is no. [Sighs wistfully] They've all been snapped up with the amount of torture going on these days.

Austin : [Grabs an exceptionally clean monks robe from the closet and dons it in a dashing manner, one would be forgiven for believeing that this robe had a Versaucey label on it somewhere. Throws robes to the others] We can get into the chuch without any difficulty, for I have my key with me [Flourishes the delectable Maplin] Let us proceed without further delay!

Chastity : [To Austin] Well, you are well practiced in breaking and entering religious buildings!

Alice : [Putting on a robe too] Hey look, they've got a tent here! [Looks more closely] Oh, it must be your robe, Chastity.

Jerome : [Irritated] Does this mean that we are to simply ignore the promise of the Dr Jerome K Trindle Bsc Phd Edible Message Delivery System, patent pending? I am quite sure that with just a few more weeks research, it would be perfected, especially considering that we have Dr. Irving Washington with us, one of the foremost researchers in lactocryptography.

Austin : [To Chastity] Indeed, Chassers, though not as practiced as you yourself are at breaking and entering the minds of our youth! See that once again my skills may save a life.

Harvey : [Pulling on a robe that is way too small for him] Harrumph! I find it difficult to believe that any skill you possess, Mr. Sleaze, serves any purpose save that of self-serving. [Looks down at his tiny robe] Should I be wearing pants with this?

Clint : [Putting on a robe] Chill out Jerry, flying toats and toasters are a thing of the past. We're not on the Macintosh era anymore.

Chastity : [To Alice, looking at her bulging front] No, my dear, I believe you are the one who needs to dress for two. [To Austin] That remains to be seen, whereas my skills have saved a thousand eternal souls.

Alice : Thank god for that, it had gotten so that a girl couldn't walk alone down on the docks after 4AM, what with all those perverts.

Irving : [Shouting indignantly] I told you, I was taking a walk!

[A moment's silence descends on the room.]

Alice : Dress for two, eh? I guess that still leaves you about two ahead. [Smiles sweetly at Chastity]

Chastity : [To Alice, returning the sweet smile] Were as you are two agirth, my child.

Alice : [Nodding and smiling at Chastity] That's right. [Turns to Harvey] What is she talking about?

[There is a sudden commotion outside, and the people outside the window begin to start running around screaming.]

Austin : [Camly strolls over to the window to see whats is going on] It sounds like Eva is on her way. We should move quickly, the comotion will give us some cover. [Checks Maplins glove]

[AUSTIN appears to be correct, the KENNYS have arrived with a covered carriage. KENNY WHO? and KENNY WHY? are sitting on top of the carriage, and are charging towards the panicking people.]

Alice : Right, what do we do?

Harvey : We will wait for those rogues to enter the church, then we'll slip in, unnoticed.

Jerome : [Rubbing his hands gleefully] All the more time to work on the Dr Jerome K Trindle Bsc Phd Edible Message Delivery System, patent pending.

[Most of the people are cleared off the street now, and MARIA steps from the carriage, surrounded by the KENNYS, not looking very happy. They bang on the door which is opened. Immediately, they drag out whoever opened the door and throw him to the ground. MARIA and the KENNYS then enter the church.]

Harvey : Right then troop, this is our chance! [Looks down at his robe] You know, these are frightfully drafty! [Goes to the door and opens it cautiously]

[There is a sudden gust of wind, which spares none of HARVEY's modesty. Immediately, all the party block their eyes and let out a pained moan. The MAN who has just been thrown out of the church looks over.]

Man : What the hell?

Chastity : [Uncovering her eyes and moving to the door] [To Man] Quite the opposite brother, we are here in Phili's mercy. [Takes tentative step out into the street]

Austin : [Slips out into the street and helps the man up from the ground, pulls him to the side of the church by the door, and whispers] The Kennys and Argy are going to kill Eva and blame it on others, we must help her! [Book II, Act VI, Scene VII. Single Rock Church in Hysteria. HARVEY, CHASTITY, JEROME, CHASTITY, CLINT, ALICE and FATHER FONZE are here, outside the church.]

Fonze : [Pulling himself up with Austin] Thank you son, its cool to help others. [Cleans himself off] I am Father Fonze, priest of the Single Rock Church, and the coolest priest in all of Hysteria.

Alice : Are you cooler than Reverend Cleophus Brown? He seemed pretty cool.

Fonze : Hey! The Fonze is way cooler than him.

Alice : But he had singing in his church.

Fonze : The Fonze is too cool to sing. Now, what is this about a murder?

Harvey : [Adjusting his robe] Good day to you, father! We have reason to believe that Eva, also known as Maria, is in mortal danger. Her bodyguards intend to kill her, possibly today in your very church, and pin the blame on others. Dispicable!

Fonze : Now that ain't right! Killing Eva just ain't right. Just not right. What do you want the Fonze to do about it?

Harvey : We need to get some kind of warning to Eva. Poor thing doesn't even realise her life is in jeporady! Can you help us, father? Perhaps a hushed warning in the confessional? A note in her prayerbook? A small message on her pew?

Austin : [To Fonze] We want you to help us get into the church, grab Maria, and help us escape to saftey!

Fonze : I'd like to help, but I don't know... How do I know that you're not the ones trying to kill her?

Clint : Actually we ARE the ones trying to kill her, except that we're not trying to kill her, Argy is. [Pauses] Does that make sense to you?

Harvey : Goodness, father! Sister Chastity here is a member of the order of Phili, from the convent in Queens View! Every deed we've committed has been watched over and guided by Philis hand. Infact, one of the sisters, Sister Immaculata, gave her life to help our struggle against the forces of evil.

Chastity : [Staring, besottedly at Fonze.Quietly, To herself] Remember, Sister, Chastity by name and nature. [Rushes to Fonze, pushing Harvey to the side][To Fonze] Father, surely you can tell I'm a devoit Sister of Phili. Would I be coluding with a gang of vagabonds, charlatans and cut-throats [Looks round at the group] Hmmm, maybe not the most convincing argument.

Austin : [To Fonze] What he means is that we are the ones that Argy and the Kennys intend to blame for her murder, after they themselves have rendered her inanimate. Unfortunatley we have no proof of who we are, indeed we could even be our alien otherselves, inwhich case we would have undoubtedly killed you already. Such states not being our current state proves beyond a shadow of a doubt that we are indeed, genuinely here, in our present loci, to save the aformentioned Eva before Argy and the Kennys, who shall forthwith beknown as the enemy, kill her. It being the case that she is not already dead due to our indolent procrastinations of current dispoisition.

Fonze : [Smiling benignly at Chastity] Hey, I get that a lot. So let me get this straight, you want to kill Maria, but have to kill her bodyguards first? [Turns and starts hammering on the door] Help! Help!

Fonze : [Calming down] Don't confuse the Fonze! [Sigh] What do you want me to do? I can't slip her a note or anything in the confession box, communication like that is forbidden. The Fonze doesn't break rules, because cool kids stick by the rules, winners don't cheat, and cheaters only cheat themselves.

Harvey : Is that what you'll whisper to Eva as she lies dying on the floor of your church? Is that what you'll tell her as you perform the last rites?

Chastity : [Staring at Fonze, again. Sighing] How true, how true. Such morals, such standfastness, such glorious sideburns. Emmm...[Composing herself] Father, can't you get get us into the church through the back vestry door?

Fonze : [With no small amount of pride to Harvey] Not even then sir, not unless she lies dying outside the confession box! [Realises what he has said] Er, hm. I suppose I could let you in, but you'll have to run your plan by me first - this is a sacred place, not like the Triple Rock Church down the street, we can't have any messing in here. The Fonze likes reverence.

Harvey : [Turning to the others, quietly] Caution, troop! We don't know this man from Adam, and it's quite possible he could be in the employ of the Kennys! I think it would be foolhardy to blindly offer our plan of attack!

Chastity : [Quietly to Harvey] I can't believe he's an evil doer, but I'll check. [Louder, so that Fonze can hear] Oh, I'm going to sneaze [Pretends to sneaze covering up a muttered incantation]

Alice : Well, Unc, he is clearly a different person from Adam, and quite a handsome one at that! Surely someone as cool looking as him couldn't be untruthful? Anyway, how can we expect him to trust us if we won't trust him?

Harvey : We seem to have arrived at an impasse, dear niece! [Scratches at a sideburn] Hmmm, and then again, perhaps not, for we in truth, have no plan to entrust to him.

Jerome : [To Fonze] Just a minute father. [Turns to the others] Dr. Jerome K. Trindle, BSc, PhD suggests we form a huddle and discuss a possible plan. Clint, you don't have to get too close, we don't want a fainting. Jerome suggests that one of us takes Fonze's place in the confessional - it can't be that difficult, simply learn off a list of anti-drug and pro-american propaganda.

Chastity : [With a look of relief] As I suspected, the Good Father is indeed a good Father. [To Jerome] As a sworn Sister of Phili I couldn't desecrate the sanctity of the confessional. I can only just turn a blind eye to your plan, due to the extreme urgency of our situation, although the perpetrator with have to make amends to Phili tenfold afterwards, in accordance to the good book.

Jerome : Well, Good Sister, why don't you hide in the box with whover is doing the confession? That way you can make sure that they don't sin too much.

Harvey : [Glancing at Jerome] Bless you, good sister! But not a bad plan, good doctor. Have you thought of some jiggery pokery electronical wizardry to change one of our party at a molecular level, creating an exact duplicate image of the father, thereby allowing one of our troop to pass the Kennys without any worry of being discovered? [Claps his hands together] Incredible! Well done that man!

Jerome : Yes, yes I have, good Colonel sir. I did some initial experiments at transporting a mouse ten inches forwards. This is the result. [Holds out a small bottle full of a brownish red liquid].

Alice : What's that?

Jerome : The mouse.

Alice : Maybe we should just hide in the confession box?

Harvey : [Disappointed] Mmm, perhaps so. But how do we get into the confessional without being spotted by the Kennys? Or, for that matter, Maria? For if she believes that we mean to kill her, her reaction will be, I fear, hostile and piercing.

Fonze : Well, I could sneak you in the back way. There is a passage leading from the kitchen to the confession box.

Alice : Why is that there?

Fonze : Do you have any idea of the banal triteness we have to put up with in there? In the good old days it was things like brawling, premarital sex and even the occasional murder, now all we hear about is people so terrified that if they even have an impure cheese thought they come to us to confess. We all usually sneak out and meet up in the kitchen to swap stories, in case someone had something interesting to confess.

Alice : And is this a common thing for priests to do?

Fonze : Oh yes, I think most do it.

Alice : So, er, if someone, lets call her, Alyssa, confessed to getting really drunk one night and, er, [whispers something to Fonze.]

Fonze : [Roaring with laughter] Ha! We'd fax her picture around to all the other churches in the realms! [Shakes his head and smiles, before looking intently at Alice] Hey, don't I know you from somewhere?

[ALICE says nothing, and just shrugs.]

Harvey : Well, father, will you bring us to the confession box? After perhaps a brief, though much needed stop over in the kitchen.

Fonze : I don't know why, but I have a really good feeling about your group. Please don't let me down.

[FONZE brings the party in through a back exit, into a small kitchen. There are a number of different cheeses here.]

Alice : Coming through a back passage is getting to be something of a habit for you, eh, Austin? [Sniffs] Hey, that's real cheese!

Chastity : [Unsurprised] I'm not surprised. It's a moral duty of The Church Of Phili to relieve cheese addicts of their stash, to help them not fall foul of the law by way of their cravings. We good servants of Phili then dispose of it in an acceptable and discrete manner. [To Fonze] I hope you've got some bread and pickle in the cupboard for the, errr, usual ritual disposal [winks at Fonze].

Harvey : Goodness, sister! Can this ritual only be performed by the ordained, or by the lay person also? [Shakes his head] But as much as my stomach wishes it were not so, we should hurry on to the confession box! [To Fonze] Will we all fit inside it?

Fonze : [Momentarily flustered] Why, er, of course, Sister. This cheese is purely for ceremonial use, we derive no pleasure from it.

Jerome : [Looking at some of the notices stuck to the fridge] Look, this looks like a picture of you, Alice.

Alice : [Horrified, and tearing the picture down] No it doesn't!

Fonze : Only the ordained, I'm afraid. Perhaps, sister, you might like to join me for one of those cheese ceremony things after.

Alice : Cheese ceremomy things? Not a very awe-inspiring name, is it?

Fonze : The ritual speaks for itself. [Opens up a small door] The confession box is down there. Now, it will probably be something of a squeeze, but if it is too full, some of you can wait in the corridor of the passage.

[The passage leads down some steps into darkness.]

Harvey : I think it would be far more comfortable all around, [eyeing the cheese] if some of us stayed here, in the kitchen, while the others went through the passage.

Fonze : [Vainly trying to stand in front of some cheese] Given that what we are about to do is illegal and immoral, and will probably result in the eternal damnation of several souls, I would be much happier if you were all there. It would not be fair to seperate at this stage, and leave some of you to get off scott free in the kitchen while others risk their souls in the confession box.

Alice : Will you be coming with us?

Fonze : No, I'm on cheese guarding duty.

Clint : [Opening the fridge, to Fonze] So tell me Gonzo, do you also relieve sinners of their impure alcohol beverages?

Harvey : [Sighs, before turning back to Fonze] But father, you can't stay in the kitchen! Surely you must be in the confessional on the likelyhood that the Kennys will check to make sure it's you! And you alone! Then, when Maria enters, one of us can slip in and warn her.

Fonze : [As the chain on the fridge holds the door almost shut] I cannot! For it would be a terrible sin for me to make her think that she is confessing to me alone, when in actual fact there are other people listening.

Alice : But it wouldn't be a sin for you to let her confess to us when you're not there, even though she thinks its you?

Fonze : The Fonze, like the Lord, works in mysterious, yet cool, ways.

Harvey : But father, the beauty of this plan is that she won't be confessing to anyone, because we'll be telling her that her life is in danger before she starts to confess! By the saints, I don't think there's a single one among us who would wish to hear the private confessions of that darling creature!

Clint : [Whispering to himself] Speak for yourself, old fool!

Jerome : [Sniggering and smiling at Clint] Heh heh heh, I know what you mean!

Clint : [Whispering to Jerome] What we wouldn't give to hear her dark secrets, he? [Smiles and nudges Jerome]

Jerome: [Whispers to Clint]I can't think of anything off the top of my head. [To the group] Perhaps it would be prudent to allow the lady to make her confession before we warm her. Er, warn her. Some vital byte of information may come to light. While she is speaking, we can endeavour to saw an opening in the partition. Thus, Maria could escape down this very tunnel.

Clint : That's the best plan I've heard so far! [Applaudes] Jerry!, Jerry!, Jerry!

Chastity : Clint, Clint, calm yourself down or you'll do yourself a nasty turn. Not wanting to dampen your enthusiasm, but don't you think that the Kennys will notice the sound of sawing wood in the atmosphere of hushed reverence in the church. And has anyone got a saw? [Picks up knife] Or are we going to use this bread knife?

Alice : [Loudly, to be heard over Clint] And what happens if they kill her before that?

Alice : That's a cheese knife, sister. Anyway, what do you need to saw?

Austin : [To all] I believe that the internal division between the two seats in the confession box does, infact, operate like a normal door, so no saw will be required. [To Fonze] Is this not so Fonze?

Harvey : [Surprised] Good thinking there, that man!

Fonze : Heeeey! Unfortunately not, there is no way to get from the priest's side to the confessor's side, not since [face grows dark] Dinangate.

Alice : Sister, don't you think you should be looking for a saw?

Austin : [To Fonze] Dinangate? What was that? We should hurry [Makes his way to the passage entry] We do not have time to saw through anything, even if the subject could generate many humerous and witty discussions I believe, wholeheartedly that, we should go now and rescue Eva.

Alice : [Getting ready to follow Austin] How about we saw Eva in half? That way we could pull her through that little window in the confessional.

Chastity : What an good idea, Alice. [Sarcastically] When the professor said "we can endeavour to saw an opening in the partition" I thought he was having trouble with his grammar. [Seriously] Phili has granted my the power to sometimes manipulate wood, but on the down side the partition would probably explode, saving the Kennys the bother of killing Eva themselves.

Harvey : A fine idea, dear niece, but sadly flawed. For if we sawed her in half, we'd most likely kill her, which is exactly what Adam wants. See? I think the best we can do for now is to warn her. She may be able to think of a way to escape, for obviously, she knows the Kennys routine more than we.

Alice : When you said "professor" I thought you were having trouble with your memory. He's a doctor, dammit, not a professor. [Follows Austin]

Chastity : [Goes to shout after Alice, but thinks better of it. Mutters] Doctor, professor, inventor, whatever. [To Fonze] If you'll excuse me, Father. [Follows the others down the passageway]

[Everyone crushes into the confessional, making no small amount of noise. A voice comes from the other side, it is MARIA.]

Maria : Er, Father Fonze? Is that you?

Alice : Yes. I mean [puts on her deepest voice] Yes.

Maria : Have you been at the helium again, Father Fonze?

Alice : [Whispers to the others] Hey! I thought she was the one that's supposed to be confessing!

Clint : [With face crushed onto side wall] [Whispering] Hey, brainy ones, someone come up with something to tell her!

Alice : Er, Harvey, do you think you could sit somewhere else rather than on my leg?

Maria : Father?

Harvey : [Quietly] Maria, don't be alarmed, your life depends on it! This is Colonel Harvey Kingston Short, the third. Of Queens View. Listen carefully! Torque has planned for the Kennys to kill you, and blame it on us! We're here to help you!

Clint : [To Austin] You better be very careful with what you do behind there, Lawyer! [Nudging Jerome] Hey Jerry, now's your chance! Ask her!

Jerome : [Glaring at Harvey before turning back to Clint] Dr. Jerome K Trindle BSc PhD fears that it is too late.

Maria : [With a gasp of shock] The Kennys? But Colonel, Adam said that it is you who are trying to kill me. I saw you breaking out of jail back in Cointreau, and he said that you might even be shape changers!

Jerome: We have no intention of killing you, madame. That is why we are here to warn you. Please, come with us. We can bring you to a safe place to hide while we deal with Torque.

Austin : [To Maria] Maria, you must believe us, Adam needs you because the people love you, and he needs to get close to the people. If you die, then most of your followers will follow Adam because they believe that you believe in Adam. Your people will trust him because they trust your judgement. With you out of the way, and the blame on us, Adam will have all the power, and appear to be righteous. [Stares hard at the figure in the otherside of the box] Just look at who Adam surrounds himself with, Argy, the Kennys, such violent hateful thugs, only you are the odd one out, because he needs you until the people trust him as they see you trusting him!

Clint : He's the one that was in jail with us, and suddenly tried to kill us! We'll deal with these scum, don't worry, but right now you have to come with us before it's too late!

Clint : He's the one that was in jail with us, and suddenly tried to kill us! We'll deal with these scum, don't worry, but right now you have to come with us before it's too late!

Harvey : Maria, I know you have no reason to trust us, but what would this old soldier need to do to win your trust, and save your life? You helped us with Nunpar all that time ago, now it's our time to repay you!

Maria : [Sigh] I - I have been having doubts about Adam, and I don't think I trust the Kennys at all, but who's Argy? Was he the one that escaped with you from Cointreau?

Clint : He's the one that was in jail with us, and suddenly tried to kill us! We'll deal with these scum, don't worry, but right now you have to come with us before it's too late!

Harvey : Maria, I know you have no reason to trust us, but what would this old soldier need to do to win your trust, and save your life? You helped us with Nunpar all that time ago, now it's our time to repay you!

Maria : Okay, I believe you, but how do we get out? Oh! Someone's just come in!

[Everyone strains against the door to see what is happenning. ARGY has just entered the church, holding a lighting cannister of oil. The KENNYS are sitting around the church and ignore him.]

Chastity : What we need is some sort of diversion [Watches Argy until he gets near Kenny Who? had then mumbles an incantation]

Harvey : [Shocked] Good god! Don't tell me he means to raise this church to the ground! What do you think, troop? An all out attack on the Kennys? I can't think of any other way to get Maria out of the confessional!

Alice : Hey! I've got a great idea! Why don't we -

[ALICE is interrupted as the door to the priest's half of the confession box cracks open, sending all the party members sprawling to the floor, just as CHASTITY finishes her spell, which involves her producing a small flame which she throws at ARGY.]

Kenny Who? : [On seeing the party] What the hell?

Argy : [Hit by the flame] Oh no!

[ARGY's cannister explodes, setting both him and KENNY WHO? on fire.]

Austin : [Quickly, with previously unseen stealth, moves to help Maria up the secret passage to the kitchen]

Harvey : [Picks himself up] Alright you louts, prepare to meet some Queens View justice! Plot to murder an innocent woman, would you! [Takes out his sword]

Clint : [Drawing his sword] Yeeeeeeeeeeeeha! Let's dance! [Runs towards Kenny Where?] It's payback time!

[MARIA leaps out, and starts to get into the other side of the confession box as the KENNYS advance. ARGY falls to the ground, and stops screaming, while KENNY WHO? rolls around on the ground putting out the fire.]

[Both HARVEY and CLINT swing at KENNY WHERE?, while he swings back at HARVEY. Both party members miss, while KENNY hits HARVEY.]

[ALICE and KENNY WHAT? attack each other, and both hit. Meanwhile, CHASTITY and KENNY WHY? also engage, with KENNY hitting her.]

Clint : [To Kenny Where?] Ah!, is that the best you can give? [Swings at him again]

Chastity : [Glancing at the flaming Agy and Kenny] Holy Smoke! [To Kenny Why?]Get off me you unholy brute [Mumbles A quick prayer in his direction whilst trying to stay out of his reach]

Harvey : Alright, you asked for this! [Swings at Kenny Where?]

[CLINT and HARVEY both swing again, but their blows are easily deflected by KENNY WHERE? who jabs HARVEY again.]

Kenny Where? : [Smiling insanely] Yeeha! Your turn is coming, Clinty boy! Kenny Who? : [Advancing on Clint] And here it is! [Swings at hits Clint]

[ALICE swings at KENNY WHAT? and misses, while CHASTITY starts an incantation, only to be struck by KENNY WHY?, as ALICE is by KENNY WHAT?]

Jerome : I'll protect you, Alice! [Fires magic missile at Kenny What?]

Maria : [As Austin ushers her upstairs] Will the others be okay?

Harvey : Jerome, give Beaucaphalus to Clint! [Swings at Kenny Where?]

Clint : [To Kenny Where?] Gotta be better than that! [Looks at Kenny Where? with huge concentration]

Austin : [To Maria] Wait here, I'll try and help them [Moves and tries to spray so rather expesive aftershave into Where?s eyes] Lets go!

Chastity : [To Kenny Why?] You Beast, hitting a woman. [Backs towards passage in confession, Kenny dodging and incantation mumbling as she does so]

[AUSTIN sprays his aftershave over the shoulders of HARVEY and CLINT, but serves no purpose other than to make the two party members smell a little better. Meanwhile, KENNY WHO? hits CLINT, and KENNY WHERE? and HARVEY hit each other.]

Clint : Ah fuck!, damn incantations, only my sword is worthy!

[In the other group of four, only ALICE is successful, as the others fail to cause any damage.]

Clint : [To Jerome] Err, the magic sword with the long tongue would come in handy now! [Keeps swinging at Kenny Where?]

Harvey : [Coughing on the aftershave, begins edging around Kenny Where?. Swings at Kenny]

Austin : [Moves back to cover Maria, and Maplin swiftly throws a throwing knife at Where?]

[JEROME throws BEAUCAPHALUS to CLINT, who swings at KENNY WHERE?, as does HARVEY, while KENNY WHO? swings at CLINT. Both CLINT and KENNY WHERE? strike.]

Beaucaphalus : Wahey! Beaucaphalus The Wondersword strikes again!

[CHASTITY tries to back away, again mumbling a spell, but is yet again hit by KENNY WHY?. ALICE and KENNY WHAT? both hit each other.]

Alice : For God's sake, Chas, use your mace!

Jerome : [Drawing his dagger] I'll help you Alice! [Tries to stab Kenny What? and misses.]

Harvey : [Sweating profusely, but smelling great] Gah, this bugger is slippier than an eel in an ice factory! [Stabs at Kenny Where?]

Clint : [Eyes shinning with pleasure] Whose time is it again, fucker? [Throws another blow at Kenny Where?] [HARVEY and CLINT both strike KENNY WHERE?, who hits HARVEY. Meanwhile, KENNY WHO? swings and hits CLINT and AUSTINs dagger sails dangerously close to KENNY WHERE?] Kenny Where? : Aargh! You bastards! [JEROME and ALICE attack KENNY WHAT?, while CHASTITY swings her mace at KENNY WHY?, with all but JEROME being hit.]

Chastity : Your right Alice, no-one ever got anywhere by mumbling [Swings at Who? with her mace whilst holding one of her wounds] Heal and Protect me Phili.

Chastity : Glory be to Phili it works.[swings ay Why? again and continues backing to passageway]

Chastity : Hurmph, Phili is moving in extemely mysterious ways today [swings ay Why? again and continues backing to passageway]

Clint : [To Harvey] Let's finish this bastard once and for all, Harv! [Keeps swinging at Where?, ignoring Who? as much as possible]

Harvey : I like the way you're thinking private! Die dog! [Swings again at Where?]

[Both HARVEY and CLINT strike the unfortunate WHERE?, who hits HARVEY, while WHO? strikes CLINT.]

Kenny Who? : Oh my God, they killed Kenny!

[ALICE and JEROME both hit WHAT?, who hits ALICE.]

Kenny Why? : Oh my God, they killed Kenny!

[CHASTITY seems to shimmer for a moment, and then she and KENNY WHY? hit each other.]

Kenny Who? : Kenny! Let's get the hell out of here!

[The two remaining KENNYs turn and run.]

Harvey : [Panting] Let's get Maria to safety! Irvings hideout should be ideal for the time being!

Alice : [As the remaining Kennys run out] Do you want to say that a bit louder, Harvey? [Heads back up to the kitchen, followed by Jerome]

Clint : [Shouting, to the running Kennys] Hey! I wasn't finished yet! Damn cowards! [Runs back up the stairs to hide away]

Chastity : [Heads back through passage] Well, that shows that there's a time for words and a time for action. I must remember to figure out which is which - Ouch! [Wincing in pain]

Austin : [To Maria] Are you allright? [If she is Austin will grab his dagger and then help Maria to Irvings place]

[Everyone arrives back to the kitchen.]

Maria : Thank you, Austin, I am fine. I think you all just saved my life, what a miracle it is that not a hair on my head has been disturbed.

Fonze : [Standing at the door] Heeey, Maria, I'm sorry, but I had no idea what was going to happen.

Alice : [Panting heavily, and leaning against the table, before speaking to Austin sarcastically] Are you sure you're okay, Austin?

Clint : [Punching Harvey on the shoulder] Ah!, what a great fencing session, he? That'll teach those bastards! I've never felt so good! [Tries to stop the blood flowing from his left arm]

Chastity : [Grasping an injury on her side,To Fonze] Good Father, you wouldn't happen to have any healing poultices in here would you? I think Alice, The Colonel and myself could definately do will one, or something similar.

Fonze : Oh, this is all too terrible! Is everyone okay?

Alice : We'll live. There are three dead guys in the church though.

Fonze : [With horror] What?

Alice : Oh yeah, and its on fire.

[Exit FONZE, down the stairs.]

Maria : [Standing near Harvey] I should have known, Colonel, that you would come to my rescue. But you are wounded, wounded badly, although [sniffs] you do smell rather nice.

Austin : [To Alice, whilst polishing Maplin with a silk hankerchief] Why, yes thank you Alice, I am untouched by the ordeal. I must say though, you have seen better days.

Harvey : [Panting] Ah, my dear, how good it is to see you again! And safe and sound! By the saints, what a battle! Well done all! [Looks around the party] We have suffered many wounds, troop, yet cannot lie idle here. We must get Maria to safety! And me back in my trousers!

Austin : [Checks the door to the outside to see if the coast is clear]

Alice : I've also seen better men.

[The street outside is totally deserted.]

Clint : Okay, I'll go first, check the place, and cover you. [Runs out the door towards the hiding place]

Austin : [To Alice, doing hand bag gesture] I'm sure you have, but we came here to resuce Maria, not kill the Kennys. [To All] Okay, the coast is clear, lets go [Opens the door and steps out, hood up]

Alice : True, but its also true that we came to rescue her, not to get killed, or even let each other get killed.

[Just as CLINT runs onto the street, enter FRANK DUSTER, running down the street.]

Frank : [Stops dead, on seeing Clint] Aiiieee! [Turns and runs off in the opposite direction.

Irving : Opening the door of his house] Quick! In here!

Harvey : Quickly Maria, in here! Austin, stop staring at yourself in the two way mirror and get inside!

Austin : [To Alice] Err, now your making no sense at all, what is your point? [Turns and trots over to Irvings, checking around for anything going on]

Alice : [Running across the street] Hey! That's not a two-way mirror, its just an ordinary window!

Irving : [Looks in] Hm, so maybe that's why we keep getting raided...

Chastity : [Briefly glances back into the kitchen] Pity, I do like a ritual cheese disposal [Runs across street into Irving's house]

Harvey : Quickly professor! Me must hide Maria so Torque can't kill her. I think this hideout may be known by, well, everyone, so where can we take her?

Irving : Ah now, lad, we'll be fine here. I'll look after the lovely lady. Would you like some cheese, my dear?

Maria : [Gasp] You must be one of those Cheese Knights, who roam the countryside, risking life and limb to supply cheese to the common folk.

Alice : [Still very narked] No Austin, what makes no sense is when someone who's supposed to be a party member just legs it up the stairs when the rest of us are getting a real hiding off a bunch of psychos like the Kennys. My point is that the next time we're in trouble, you help, understand? Otherwise you can forget about ever getting in here [points to her stomach] if you get in trouble.

Irving : [Wide eyed] And can the rest get in?

Alice : Of course!

Irving : Wow! What a party!

Clint : [To Alice] Chill out bimbo!, as if you didn't know the Lawyer and his dirty moves! [Tries to clean some blood from Beaucaphalus] What's this? Oh, it's not a blood stain, it's just some rust!

Austin : [To Alice] Firstly, Alice, I didn't 'leg it' anywhere. I got Maria in a safe place, and then entered into the fray, attacking Kenny Where, and I can tell you I don't appreciate being slandered like this just because I didn't get hurt. And anyway how did you manage to watch me during the battle unless you yourself were not fighting? I'll wager that you were much to busy fighting to have any notion of what I was or was not doing. [Fold his arms in a huff and does the 'give me strenght glance at the ceeling']

Beaucaphalus : Hey! Shut the hell up, Stinky! There'll never ever be rust on Beaucaphalus The Wonder Sword! Never! Never! Never, do you hear?

Harvey : That's enough, all of you! We have a guest among us, so let's show her the calm side of the party.

Alice : Unless I wasn't fighting? Who the hell killed Kenny Where?

Jerome : Er, I think that was Clint and Harvey.

Alice : What? Well, whatever his name was. [Picks up a cheese doobie and has a smoke.]

Alice : [Sulking] Better let Austin not turn his back to her so.

Maria : [Sigh] What a wonderful, calm and intelligent man you are, Colonel. How can I ever repay you?

Harvey : My dear, you may be out of the fat, but most certainly not out of the fire. Can you think of a place where you can lie low for a while? I'm sure that Torque is even now, spreading rumours of your death. The man is quite mad and a danger to all the people of this town. He must be stopped!

Maria : But Colonel, it isn't in my nature to lie low. How can I rest? How can I rest when the public that adore me are under a tyrant like Adam? Oh Colonel, he is so evil, I - I can hardly bring myself to tell you what he thinks of himself now.

Chastity : [Comforting Maria] It's alright, my dear. I'm pretty sure must of us can relate to being stuck with relentless egomaniacs.[Glancing in Austin and Clint's directions]

Austin : [Smiling at Alices cute sulk, take a board with a line of powdered cheese and snorts it, then lights up a big cheese doober in his cigarette holder and blows some more smoke rings, casually peekeing out of the windows to see if there is anything going on] Are there any secret tunnels out of this place Irving?

Irving : Why, yes, yes there are.

Harvey : [Reappears from behind a vat, fully clothed] Ah, that's better! [To Irving] Secret passages eh? Tell me Irving, can you go into town and find out what's going on? Find out what Torque is up to?

Alice : [Whispering to Harvey] You know, of course, Uncle, that the vat was empty!

Irving : I could, but there's no need for secret passages for that. That madman is trying to get everyone to agree to catch Scalies - he's mad, mad I tell you!

[MARIA says nothing, but just nods sadly in agreement.]

Harvey : What? Why would anybody want to catch Scalies? Willingly? By the saints, the man is even crazier than I'd given him credit for!

Clint : [To Harvey] You gave him credit?

Harvey : [Smiles at Maria] Certainly, for his fine choice in women!

Maria : [Sigh] Oh, Colonel, you are as charming as you are brave!

Alice : [Muttering under her breath] Just as well that relationship doesn't hold for Austin.

Maria : You know, of course, that there are Shapechangers roaming the land? Well, in truth, there are very few of them, and the largest single group are those impersonating your own party. However, Adam has whipped the people into a frenzy that has them believing there are hundreds or even thousands of them, and that anyone could have been taken over by one. Apparantly they started in Hallbridges*, and that's where the rumours have come from. However, it turns out that they can't mimic someone who has Scalies, so the one way to prove you're not a Shapechanger is to catch it.

Harvey : That's despicable! By the saints, the man is an absolute fiend! We must stop him, Maria, even if it means taking his life! I hope you understand that!

Maria : Oh, Colonel, you do what you have to. [Dabs her eyes with a hanky] Oh but it's sad when a love affair dies, the decline into silence and doubt. Our passion was just too intense to survive. [Looks intently at Harvey] He claims, you know, to have been resurrected.

Jerome: [As Maria is speaking, Jerome looks sadly at Alice][Sigh] Our priority at the moment should be to find some healing. We still need to meet Darius at the palace in a few hours, and many of you are in no shape for the coming tyrst. Dr. Irving, do you have any healing potions or salves about?

Irving : I'm afraid not, young Jerome. I have a few Cheesetasy tablets that will make you feel better, but I'm not sure if I'd attempt a raid on anything more dangerous than the fridge after taking some.

Alice : [Nodding in agreement] Too right!

Austin : [To Maria] Hmm. Yes we had heard such a claim. Certain members of this party have also been ressurected, the Colonel here for one. Therein lies the question, who ressurected Adam, if he was ressurected. I suspect the forces of darkness may have had a hand in his return. [Strolls to another window, blows some more perfect smoke rings (seven of them), then looking to Alice] Look, I wasn't going to mention the 'relationships' our future incarnations had, and I can see why you would be unhappy about it too, since that incarnation of mygoodself was but a shadow of my present glory [Admires Maplin as he stretches] but if you insist upon using such memories to fuel your present agnst I have no better solution than to bring to light your true motivation behind your current verbal assault upon oneself.

Austin : [To Maria] Hmm. Yes we had heard such a claim. Certain members of this party have also been ressurected, the Colonel here for one. Therein lies the question, who ressurected Adam, if he was ressurected. I suspect the forces of darkness may have had a hand in his return. [Strolls to another window, blows some more perfect smoke rings (seven of them), then looking to Alice] Look, I wasn't going to mention the 'relationships' our future incarnations had, and I can see why you would be unhappy about it too, since that incarnation of mygoodself was but a shadow of my present glory [Admires Maplin as he stretches] but if you insist upon using such memories to fuel your present agnst I have no better solution than to bring to light your true motivation behind your current verbal assault upon oneself.

Alice : Don't worry, I don't need to rely on memories to fuel my dislike of you.

Harvey : [To Maria] And who does he claim to have resurrected him? And when? How did he die initially?

Maria : His claim is not that he was resurrected, but that he was in a deep sleep, and was awoken from it. That he was put into the sleep after he defeat the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.

Alice : So he didn't die?

Maria : That's what he claims. He says he was on a mission from God, and came out of his sleep when, [clearly unhappy at saying this] when rumours that the Four Horsemen were about to return.

Harvey : About to return? What poppycock! Does he believe that he is the only one who can stop them, these legendary jockeys of doom?

Maria : Well, he did.

Alice : Did? Until what?

Maria : Until your party killed two of them. That is one of the reasons he hates you so much.

Chastity : Where is he going to get another 2 Apocalyptic Horsemen to make up the numbers then?

Maria : I don't know. He has been making less and less sense in the last few weeks - I personally don't even believe the horsemen story, but Adam's craziness and reliance on Scalies has been scaring me. [Turns to Harvey] Oh, Colonel, will I ever feel safe again?

Harvey : [Smiles at Maria] Why dear girl, as long as we're on this planet, you never need to fear again! But, I assume you refer to Iok and Pestilence Sotot? That these were two to the [scoffs] horsemen?

Chastity: [Face lighting up in a Eureka style moment] I've just had idea to put the wind up Adam. [Pauses with thought] Oh, maybe not, it would never work again. Dash these intoxicating cheese fumes. [Steps further away from the cheese duber smoking Austin]

Maria : [Swoon] Oh, Colonel! [Calms herself] I honestly don't know - I had heard of Iok and Pestilence in mythology, and that Pestilence tried to kill Iok, but never attached their story to the Four Horsemen one, which I assumed was just another story. Adam maintains that he helped drive them underground thousands of years ago, and was put in a deep sleep until they came back. Now, don't ask me how it is that they have come back and have not been seen together.

Alice : How is it that they have come back and have not been seen together?

Maria : I don't know.

Harvey : [Scratching a sideburn] Indeed. Well, obviously and utterly insane. But damned dangerous, to boot. We must take him out, and to do that, we must meet Darius soon. Tell me Maria, do you know Adams movements in the evenings? Or another way into the palace?

Maria : He is almost invariably on the top floor of the palace, in his laboratory. It is very difficult to get up there, as there is just a narrow staircase leading up. The only other way in is through the balcony, but it is very high.

Harvey : [Nods] Okay troop, as previously advised by the good doctor, we need rest, and plenty of medical attention. [To Irving] Professor, do you know of any healers in the area?

Clint : No problem then, I'm sure the good Doctors here will come up with an inflatable device to get us high. [Looks at Austin] Not that kind of device, Laywer.

Chastity : [Looking around the group] And for Phili's sake, if anyone suggests getting back into those Panto costumes and pretending to be the 2 Horsemen of the Apocalypse that Adam thinks are destroyed in order to draw him out of his safe bolt hole, I suggest that they just step away from the lawyers smoke rings. [Coughs, waving smoke away from her face]

Austin : [To All] The odd thing is that Adam should be on our side, since we killed Pestilence and Contagion, two of the 'four horsemen', who he claims to have banished at an earlier date. He seems to want all the glory to himself. The only obvious explanations are that he is either insane, or, he was set up by Iok and company to give the people hope, to appear to be a savior, when he is infact working for the evil enemy, and Adams alleged victory over the evils was no more than a bluff to fool the proleteriat!

Alice : [Makes to say something, but changes her mind, and steps back from Austin's smoke rings.]

Jerome : Dr. Jerome K. Trindle, BSc, PhD has a plan. We could construct a trampoline, and place it outside the palace so we can bounce safely onto Adam's balcony. [Produce a paper napkin with a really complex plan drawn on it] It is actually quite simple.

Harvey : I believe that Austin is correct. Torque must be in cahoots with one of the Sotots, as I'm sure, scalies itself was created by them to further weaken the resistance of the morale beaten civilians. Why else would the Knights want him dead? And good sister, I do not think that the two donkeymen and one cow of the apocalypse has quite the same ring to it!

Chastity : [Checking the air around Jerome for half inhaled smoke rings] Remember to design it to be highly portable and easily concealable, Doctor. If only my Third husband, George was here. As a part-time inventive scientist and pioneering rocketman several centuries ahead of his time, I'm sure he would have been able to help us. Alas he is no longer with us, Phili rest his soul. [To Harvey] I think you're forgeting Irvings horse suit, so it would be one horseman and one donkeyman of the apocalypse....em if anyone had thought of such an idea.

Harvey : Hmm, perhaps it's time for us all to get some good, clean, fresh air.

Jerome: [To Irving] We'll need about a gross of toasters to make this work. And some sort of refridgeration device. And bubble gum. Lots and lots of bubblegum.

Austin : [Puts out his spliffe. Checks his glory in the mirror] Fresh air it is then Colonel. It will help us all think.

Chastity : [Horrified] Austin Sleaze! Stop looking at your excited trouser groin area in the mirror! [Gesturing towards Alice and Maria] There are ladys present!

Irving : [Pouring silver pieces into his bubble gum vending machine] Yes, yes, I can see where you're going, young Jerome. Anything else you might need?

Irving : [Points to a jar on a shelf] Myself and Dr. Trindle will have this together in a few moments. [Smiles to himself] Ah, bless the day they had the toaster sale. [To the others] You might want to decide what you will do when you meet Adam.

Clint : We could stick his head in a jail door and torture him, but then again Communism seems to be old news.

Austin : [To Chastity, perplexed] What? I was not looking at my groin. What is this, have a go at the Lawyer day or something? [Sarcastically] I know, why do you all invent stories about unacceptable behaviour and then give me a hard time about it?

Jerome: [Cracking open a can of Jolt] We must give careful consideration to the name. How about the Trindle-Washington Four Slice Propelling Unit, patent pending?

Harvey : By the saints, these fumes are addling your brains, troop! Come on, forced march outside, hut hut!

Clint : I agree, enough with the fumes! [Pulls out a huge cigar from his pocket and lights it] Let's go outside.

Jerome: Of course, Colonel, what was Jerome thinking? How about the Trindle-Washington Elevated Entry Mechanism, patent pending?

Irving : I was thinking more along the lines of the Trindle Washington Individual Trapeze System, patent pending. [Looks to Harvey] Colonel, I wouldn't advise going outside, what with you all being wanted criminals and all.

Austin : Trindle Washington Aireal Trapeze System, patent pending?

Chastity : [To Austin] You were mincing about in front of the mirror murmuring "Look at my Glory". What else was I to think?

Alice : [Looking at Austin with a mixture of digust and hatred] And then he wonders why no one likes him.

Irving : Hah! Finished. It may take some calibrating, but after the first one or two, we will have it perfect. Now, it is five to six, so we better head to the palace, if you are to meet your friend there.

Austin : [To Chastity] You really are quite deranged. I said nothing of the sort, and I see nothing wrong with dressing smartly. 'Look at my glory' indeed, [To all] did any one else hear me SAY that? [To Alice] You are all just jealous.

Clint : [To Irving] What do you mean exactly by after the first one or two?

Chastity : [To Austin] Typical lawyer, worrying over minor details! [To Jerome and Irving] Best get on. "Timeliness is next to Philiness" as the old Mother Superior would say. I'm keen to see your work in action.[To Clint] We'll just let Duncan, Fenton and Vasco go first. I'm sure they'll be keen.

Austin : [To Chastity] Now there is an excellent idea. I wonder if they might be interested in some house and contents insurance.

Alice : Let them go first? What makes you think they won't try to kill us after the way we left them in town? Or maybe they're dead already, so maybe it won't be an issue.

Irving : [Laughing at Clint's unease] Take it easy, young fellow! No machine is perfect the first time around. Sure, we might send one or two of you back to the moon, but hell, we'll get it right sooner or later.

Jerome: Scientific method, Mr. Scar. Nothing to concern yourself about.

Clint : [Blowing a big shapeless cloud of smoke from his cigar] Hum, I begin to agree with the sis, let Vasco and the others go first. If they're dead then it's even easier.

Austin : [To Irving] Perhaps we could send a test sack of cheese first, carfully weighed to be the same mass as Clint. That way if it doesn't work, nobody gets hurt. If it does work, then we could have Adam arrested for possesion of cheese!

Alice : [With an evil grin] Maybe Austin will go first?

Austin : [To Alice] Very well, if I must prove my heroism once more, if the Colonel thinks it wise I shall go first, after a test sack of cheese weighted equally to my own mass.

Harvey : Harumph! I'm not sure sending such a, a lawyer would serve us that well. What if we accidently sent him to a ladies boudoir located above Adam? He would forget the mission completely and spend the night applying powder and perfume to himself! Gah!

Irving : Well, whoever we send up, I can produce a sack equal to their weight. Who is it to be?

Chastity : Obviously I'm as keen as the next person to lead the way to defeating twisted evil in the name of Phili, but hadn't it better be someone who is capable of dealing with any trouble whilst the rest of us catch up? Probably someone reasonably tough and healthy? Someone capable of holding off any resistance? Emm, someone who smokes cigars?

Alice : Yes, yes, Chastity. I see where you're going. Someone brave, someone striking, someone who inspires awe and loyalty in the rest of us. [Sad face] Of course, Sven is no longer with us, so how about we just go for a burly cigar smoker with a bo problem?

Austin : Somone with a really amazing sword would be good. [Takes out his own dagger and frowns, puts it away again]

Alice : [Whispers to Chastity] I think that's another penis euphemism.

Austin : [To all] Of course, a true hero would volunteer their services immediatley to the Colonel [glances at Clint]. We are here, after all, to save the human race! We are still on a mission from Phili! [Winks at Alice]

Alice : [Looks at Clint] I suppose it depends on whether they consider themselves to be part of that race, Austin!

Clint : [Looks behind him, then looks back to Alice] Where's this true hero then? [Pauses, then looks surprised] Ya talking to me??

Alice : Well, I don't see anyone else here.

Austin : [To Clint] You are the most suitable candidate for the task.

Clint : Wow wow wow, take it easy now! I have to stand daily abuse about my body odour and slight sexual unbalance, but suddenly when you need canon fodder I'm a hero?

Harvey : Yes, Private, we will all appreciate your sarcrifice. Doctor Washington, how is your machine?

Irving : We're all ready now, Colonel. I have a few sandbags that were used for checking the weights for some hangings a few months back. I don't know, but they seem strangely suitable.

Alice : [Smiling] No! Not at all Clint. Don't think of you suddenly being a hero, more of you suddenly becoming a victim! [Beams happily at her most reasonable explanation, before turning to the others and speaking far too loudly] Its best to put him at his ease, you know, just in case he gets fired two miles into the air.

Austin : [To Alice] Yes, quick thinking there Alice. I believe the appropriate prole expression is 'nice one'.

Alice : [Gives a two thumbs up to Austin] Right, are we ready to go?

Jerome : Before we depart, I believe this [hands a salad bowl covered in tin foil to Clint] may be useful. It is the Dr. Jerome K. Trindle BSc, PhD Advanced Head Covering Apparatus.

Alice : I thought it was made of rubber?

Jerome : [Happy and thoughtful smile] That was a prototype.

Clint : Na na na na! What am I to win here? I'm wounded, whereas Jerome and Austin have but a scratch, so why not send one of them two? I'll be of better use in case of a needed ground attack, and besides I'm affraid of heights.

Alice : [Exasperated] Well, will one of you do it? Come on, we're on a schedule here!

Clint : [Picking up the helmet] Chill out bimbo!, I'm just trying to make it hard on you! [Puts the helmet on] How about giving me a good luck kiss?

Alice : [Turns to Jerome] Have you got a safety device for that?

Jerome : [Shakes his head vigorously] No!

Alice : Oh well, Clint, I guess you'll have to settle for a friendly punch on the arm.

Clint : [To Alice] If you really insist! [Punches Alice hard on the arm]

Alice : [Staggering across the room] Ow!

Clint : Right!, now that this is settled, whereto next?

Irving : [Clapping his hands] Alright, let's invade the palace!

[Exit ALL.]

Manfred : [Waking up] Hey! Hey man, where is everyone gone? [Struggles to his feet] I'm coming man! I'm gonna be like super man man! Man, Manfred Mann, man, he's the man, man! [Looks down and sees Austin's cheese doobie] Well, maybe in a few minutes. [Book II, Act VI, Scene VIII. Outside Adam's Palace. HARVEY, JEROME, ALICE, IRVING, CHASTITY, ALICE and AUSTIN are here, with the Toaster-Lift. The palace is about four stories high, and there is a balcony on the top floor overlooking the party.]

Irving : [Placing a bag of sand on the lift] Okay, let's see how well calibrated it is. [Presses the start button and cries out excitedly] Here goes!

[The bag simply falls off, lands on the ground and catches fire.]

Alice : [Applauding with a serious face] Excellent, excellent.

Clint : [Covering his face with the salad bowl helmet] I don't think I want to watch this.

Irving : [Makes a minute adjustment to the machine] There, that should rectify that. [Turns to Clint] Ready?

Chasity : [To Clint, whilst looking at the burning bag] I don't think it's your face that needs covering. Well no, that's not strictly true, maybe I should have said its not your face that needs that protection. [Pats Clint on shoulder] Put your faith in Phili, my son, he's on our side.

Alice : [Taking out a notepad] Okay, I'm offering 7-1 that he makes it onto the balcony, 3-1 that he shoots over the building completely and 8/9 on that both he and the machine suddenly catch fire.

Chastity : Alice Basset-Short! I'm shocked. Not only is gambling a mortal sin, but you are also trying to profit from anothers misfortune. [Glances at Clint] Err, I mean successful brave heroic deeds. [Smiles at Clint then turns and whispers to Alice] What would you give me for him catching fire and and flying straight into the wall?

Clint : [To Jerome and Irving] Err, are you sure it is working now? [To Beaucaphalus] Are you ready to fly?

Alice : Let's see, Chas, I'll give you 4-1, but only if you okay the whole thing with Phili.

Beaucaphalus : Are you mad? I'm not going up there!

Jerome : Dr. Jerome K. Trindle, BSc, PhD is quite confident that this will succeed.

Irving : [Under his breath] What do you reckon? Fifty fifty?

Jerome : Make it one in ten!

Austin : [To CLint] You may wish to place the 'helmet' under your posterior in order to protect the last of a pair of valuables given unto you be Phili herself.

Clint : [To Jerome] That's what I'm affraid of. [Whispering to Beaucaphalus] You know what, I think you're right, let's just go knock at the door and pick a fight, it's much more fun!

Chastity : [Whispering to Alice] They're outrageous odds, you're more of a crook than the lawyer. [Louder so that the rest of the group can hear] No, Alice, I wholly don't approve of your little scheme. [Goes over to Clint, laying both hands on his shoulders, praying] Protect this, your servant, O' Phili.

Austin : [To Clint] One could unlock the door, carefully, without creating aural disturbances, thenceforth we could proceed, hopfully in the intended aurally disparate environment to Adams dwelling area. Upon reaching this aforementioned loci, you would be in a beneficial postion to render a terminus to the cardial pulminations of Mr Torque. [Checks his nails for shine]

Clint : [To Austin] What does that mean in english?

Austin : [Frowns everso slightly] I could silently pick the lock. We could sneak in. You could kill Adam. [Stops frowning]

Clint : [Look of sudden realisation] Oh! Now there's a good plan right there!

Alice : Yes, that's a cunning plan, right enough.

Jerome : Dr. Jerome K. Trindle BSc PhD is doubtful as to the cunning coefficient of the plan. Irving, your opinion?

Irving : [Sniggering at Jerome's cleverness] Although on the face of it, it may appear a good strategy, I'm afraid it has a very low cunning coefficient. Adam is totally paranoid about his personal safety, the place willl be full of guards.

Alice : Strange that there are none outside, isn't it?

Irving : Well, I think they feel that only a lunatic would try and scale the wall here. However, that said, I don't think we should delay here too long, a patrol will be along soon, and besides [checks his watch] I want to make some toast for my tea.

Austin : Perhapse Clint should take with him, on his flight to glory, a lengthy scaling aid, in order that the rest of us may climb up to the balcony with ease.

Harvey : [Coughing loudly] I think we've all had enough cheese, don't you Private?

Irving : That is actually a good idea, although with the feedback we get from the Clint run, I'm sure we will be able to calibrate the machine even further. Who knows, by the fourth or fifth person, we might even be able to hit the building! [Laughs aloud]

Alice : Come on, Clint, time's ticking by!

Clint : Ha, what the heck, I've been through worse before. [Sits on the toaster, one hand holding salad bowl on place, the other holding beaucaphalus pointing forward] Chaaaaarge!

Beaucaphalus : Okay, Stinky, just remember that you're a whole lot more crushable than I am!

All : Three! Two! One!

[Nothing happens.]

Alice : [Gazing up] I can't see him! Where is he?

Clint : [Jumping up and down on toaster] Hello? Is this thing working?

Irving : [Irritated] Yes, yes! Its not a toy, you know! [Clicks the on/off button]

[The screen on the machine goes blank for a few seconds, before turning blue. The words "Because the Trindle Washington Individual Trapeze System was not properly shut down, one or more of your toasters may have errors on it" appear on the screen.]

Irving : Ah, it'll be grand. [Presses the "excite" button]

[CLINT is shot up into the sky.]

Alice : Wow! It does work! Should we all go up now?

Irving : I'm sure Clint will call us from the balcony to tell us he is okay, then I'll send the rest of you up.

Clint : [Showing himself from the balcony] Irving you priek, you shot me too high! [Cleans the dust from his head] I've got a burned hole on me arse now! [Disappears for a moment, then comes back] Send the doctor or someone up here, I think I gave Adam a knockout.

Chastity : [Looking up to the balcony] What's he talking about?

Alice : Maybe he's already knocked out Adam?

[Boing. HARVEY is sent up, and lands beside CLINT, and is soon followed by AUSTIN.]

Chastity : [Nervously sits on the invention] I still not so sure about this. If we were meant to enter buildings by the fourth floor Phili would have given us 20 foot long toes to let us stand on tippy-toe and reach up. [To Irving, bracing herself] Lets go [Closes eyes and prays] Look after your humble servant, O Mighty One.

Alice : Of course, he might also have made a machine to send us up!

[CHASTITY is sent up, followed shortly by ALICE and JEROME.]

Harvey : [Looking into the room] Well done, soldier, I see you've already sorted him out!

[It looks as though CLINT came in through the ceiling, as there is a large hole there. The room is some kind of laboratory, and ADAM is lying on the ground, slowly regaining consciousness.]

Adam : What.. who?

Chastity : Quick, Clint, gag him, or knock him out or something.

Clint : [Checking the burned hole on his trousers] Again?

Chastity : [Frustratedly] Yes!

Clint : Ok, if you insist... [Tries to hit Adam on the head with a conveniently available frying pan]

Harvey : [Running across the room and bolting the door] There, that should hold him for a while. Mr Scar, if he speaks, you may threaten him.

Alice : So, what are we going to do with him? Just kill him?

Adam : Ow! [Holds up a small phial in his hand] Back off! I've got concentrated Scalies here, if I break it, everyone in a hundred metre radius will catch it.

Alice : [Still standing near the balcony] Hah! At least I'll be safe.

Adam : I said, a hundred metres!

Alice : Is that far?

Harvey : [Standing back] Dear god, I'm sure he means it. [To Torque] But isn't it true that dopplegangers aren't affected by your silly little virus, Torque?

Harvey : [Standing back] Dear god, I'm sure he means it. [To Torque] But isn't it true that dopplegangers aren't affected by your silly little virus, Torque?

Clint : Yeah!, if you break that phial you're the only one who'll get scallies! [Looks at Harvey and blinks his eye in a not-so-discreet manner]

Adam : [Says nothing for a few seconds] So you're the party of doppelgangers? Well, if that's true, you will kill me. If you're the group from Queens View, it will force you to stay back. Now, given that I wasn't just murdered after that fool fell on top of me -

Alice : Hey!

Adam : No, that [gestures at Clint with the phial] fool, I suspect you are the party from Queens View. [Sneers at the party] Now, I want to know what the hell you think you're doing.

Clint : [Looks at the others, then back to Torque] To be honest, I have no idea.

Adam : [Sneering at Clint] That doesn't surprise me in the slightest.

Jerome: Dr. Jerome K Trindle Bsc Phd, is interested in your experiments. Is that the Junior Chemist Expansion Set over there?

Chastity : Does anyone know the minimum exposure time required to catch Scalies? Tutt! If only I'd brought along my copy of "Good Housekeeping Guide to Infectious and Disfiguring Diseases Commonly Used by Meglomaniac Madmen to Threaten Civilization". Hmm, I wonder.. [Mumbles incantation at Adam and the vial]

Adam : [Somehow increases his level of sneer] Certainly not, I have long since graduated from that!

[JEROME throws a dart at ADAM, which he dodges with incredible dexterity.]

Adam : [Smiling] I knew you were going to do that. Now, how about you tell me what the hell you're doing here?

Jerome: We are the ones asking the questions here, thank you very much. Tell us who you are, because no one in this room believes you are actually Adam Torque. He is much shorter and has a lisp.

Adam : The usual time is about eight hours, if you are exposed to a Scalies sufferer. However, I have a pure form of it, which would infect you all in a matter of seconds. Now, I have asked you once, and this will be the last time, what are you doing here?

Alice : [To the others] Does that mean if we don't answer him, he'll just leave us alone?

Adam : [Face like thunder] What? How [shouts] dare you! I am Adam Torque, Defender of the Faith! Destroyer of Evil! I am the One who was reborn to defeat the evil ones - the ones that you are in truck with! [Wipes some foam from his mouth, panting heavily]

Chastity : [Red faced and outraged, To Adam] How dare you blaspheme in such a manner. Only the Mighty, Majestic and All Powerful Phili can grant the powers of resurrection or rebirth. I'd heard you'd just dozed off until someone slapped you about abit to wake you from your dozy slumber! And as for "Defender of the Faith" and "Destroyer of Evil" I think you'll find you are without any true faith and in the category of entities needing to be destroyed! [Wafts hand in front of face to try and cool down from the outburst]

Jerome: Before you do anything rash, you should know we've taken your beloved Maria hostage.

Clint : [Staring at all the red faces] Ok guys, I believe we started with the wrong foot here. [To Adam, extending his hand] I am Clint Scar, from the Scar family, world renowned for imense belic dextrety. In short, I am here to save the world from Evil. And you?...

Chastity : If you want to maintain your dexterity in future, I wouldn't advise shaking his hand. You don't know where he's been. Oh, that also applies to you, Clint! Don't you remember the old hygiene motto from school "Don't touch Scalies - flaky hand, flaky mind"?

Adam : [Ignoring Clint's hand] It is as I say. I am Adam Torque, chosen by Phili himself two thousand years ago to defeat the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse. When I had driven them underground, through a combination of their own in-fighting and the bravery of my secret band of Knights, I was put into a deep sleep. I arose from my slumber six months ago, reborn into this world, as they were about to reform.

Alice : [Stepping away from Chastity] Phew, is it me or is it hot in here?

Chastity : [To Alice] Rest assured, my dear, it's not you. I can't believe that Phili would have chosen that flake to do his work. Lets see. [Murmurs another prayer]

Adam : [Murmurs a prayer of his own] I have cast a detect evil spell on you, but, much to my surprise, have no reading back. While normally I would suspect that this would mean you are good, I believe that you are shielding your true nature.

Harvey : Gah! You're the one spreading disease, what makes you think we've done anything wrong?

Adam : I spread it to protect the people, I was here when they last roamed the earth. When Iok Sotot, and his brothers, Pestilence and Contagion ruled the earth with fear. And, of course, the fourth member, who was known simply as [whispers] Death.

Alice : Why? Was he hard of hearing?

Chastity : [To Alice] Surely if he was hard of hearing his would have been known as [shouts] Death.

Alice : [Loudly] What?

Adam : [Sneering at Chastity] But of course, you know his name. You who have had truck with the treacherous, who have dabbled with the diabolical, and who have pact with the persecuter. [Loudly] You are the unholy! You dared to bring one of them amongst us! You have brought him to one of the gates to Hell itself! [Shakes his fist angrily at the party] You have started the fall of the realms, and it is now left to me, the sole survivor of the original Fundamentalist Knights, and my trusty blade, Temporidus the Wonder Sword to kill them!

Alice : He's very angry, isn't he?

Clint : [Holding Beaucaphalus] Beware oh Evil one, for I hold Beaucaphalus, and with this very blade I have killed Pestillence himself! [Louder] Beware! [To the others] That sounded great, didn't it?

Harvey : Indeed, Private, the acoustics in this room must be excellent!

Echo : Excellent.

Echo : Excellent.

Adam : How can you call me evil? You are the ones who brought one of the Four Horsemen into this town! He is surely here to charge an Orb of Hades, with which he can retrieve a soul from Hell.

Clint : [To the others] What is he on to, one of the Four Horsemen? Is he talking about ol' Farty coats? I know he's an old Irish bastard, but he's not that evil!

Adam : Farty Coats? Is that what he calls himself now? [Draws out a huge black sword] Behold, Temporidus the Wonder Sword! If Farty Coats ventures near my temple I will kill him, as I will kill you for aiding him.

[It sounds like there is some kind of flapping noise coming from outside.]

Alice : Is that a flapping sound or a farting sound?

Austin : [Strutting in a Sherluck Holmez manner] We appear to be on the same side, we destroyed Pestillence and Contagion, and Adam thinks he is against them too, but Scalies is undoubtedly an instrument of Evil, and [Hears the flapping] .. but we didn't bring any one else with us...[Turns to face the Flapping and gets out his knife] Adam, I think the true evil wants us to destroy each other...

Jerome : [Looks out the window] There are bats - thousands of them! Heading in this way!

[One sweeps in the window, and drags its claws across JEROME's face.]

Chastity : [Rushes inside]Get inside everyone! Come on, don't dawdle! [Looks to the sky with arms in the air] Protect Us, your servants, O' Phili. [Holds Up Mace, ready to swipe at any bats coming too near]

[The bats pour in the open window, and fly madly around the room, scratching and scraping various members of the party.]

Adam : [Swinging his sword around wildly] It has started! Serve me well Temporidus!

Temporidus : Behold! Temporidus, the greatest sword ever created!

[As ADAM swings TEMPORIDUS around, he is clearly scaring some of the bats away.]

Chastity : [ Backs off to a wall to reduce the bat attack directions, swing her mace at any too close] Get away for me, infernal beasts of darkness.[To Alice, shouting over the flapping and scratching noises] Alice, does your special tummy still work if your dead? [Continues to swing her mace at the bats]

Alice : No! Sven warned me about that back at the Knight's place!

Jerome : Perhaps, if we shut the window, they will stop coming in. [Closes the window]

Adam : I will take care of this. [Throws a small glowing ball from his pocket that explodes, filling the room with light.]

[When the light fades, all the bats are dead.]

Chastity : [Looks around at the dead bats littering the floor] Hmm, not bad. [To Alice] As you were so wounded from the last fight, my dear, might I suggest that you try and stay out of serious harms way for the moment. I'm sure the group would be most distressed if you perished.

Alice : [Dryly] Of course, I'm sure that their distress would solely be due to my demise, and not that they would suddenly be denied access to the Soul Sanctuaries.

Adam : [Curling his upper lip in a fantastic sneer] How typical, I save your lives, and you do not even thank me!

Chastity : [To Adam] Not at all, we're all very impressed with your exploding ball. But I feel I must warn you, if the wind changes you'll be stuck with that sneering face, so please stop it.

Adam : And how do you know this? Did the wind change and cause your face to look like that?

Austin : [To Adam] Are you sure that you are not evil? You have a pretty evil tounge for one who claims holiness. [To the party, pointing at Adam] He could be tricking us you know, perhaps the bats were his calling, and the orb simply a cunning ruse to seal our belief in his claim of purity and honesty?

Adam : [Rolls his eyes] And why would I do that? Why would I not just kill you? To be quite honest, I am confused by you - you are not evil, yet your behaviour to me suggests that you are, and, your bringing in of one of the four horsemen - this, Farty Coats, as you call him - is clearly either an act of extreme evil or terrible stupidity. He is probably here to raise Iok Sotot from the dead, and then they will be ready to roam the earth again. [Becomes increasingly oratorical] Then the dark skies will become even darker, animals will turn upon their masters, brothers will slay each other and the flesh of women will rot even though they still live.

Alice : [Muttering to the others] He's kind of rainy day guy, isn't he?

Harvey : [Scratching his sideburn] I have a bad feeling about all of this. Listen Torque, you claim that we brought an evil one in with us, but we came to this town with five others, it could be any of them. Tell me, have you heard of the Hierophantic Knights? We heard that they want you dead.

Adam : [With a snort of derision] The Hierophantic Knights? Hah! A pathetic group of amatures, characterised by poor leadership, inadequete recruitment policies and members who's abilities are mundane and average. They were around two thousand years ago, but were no match for the Fundamentalist Knights, my own organisation. I suspect they want me dead because of their own petty jealousies.

Alice : [To the others] You know, these Hierophantic Knights sound like a real bunch of losers. I'm glad we didn't join them. [Thinks for a moment] Hey!

Austin : [To Adam] If you are not evil why did you order the Kennys to kill Maria?

Adam : That was unfortunate, but in every war, there are civilian casualties. Maria was, shall we say, resisting the spread of Scalies. If she had joined in my Holy crusade against evil, we could have saved hundreds of thousands of lives and souls, but she chose not to. The plan was to blame you for her murder, and drive the people towards Scalies. As it is, we could be too late - already I suspect the remaining Horsemen are on their way to this very building.

Harvey : [Quietly to the others] I don't trust this man a bit! That sword he's carrying, Contagion had the same one, didn't he?

Clint : [To Beaucaphalus] Beau, what can you tell us about his sword?

Alice : [To Harvey] Yes, he did - but the question is, when does, or did he get it? [Looks over at Adam, who's swiping his sword around]

Adam : [To the others] I have decided - I will trust you. I am about to go to the basement, to protect our souls from an attack from this Farty Coats.

Beaucaphalus : Never seen it before, Stinky, doesn't look much good though, pretty manky colour.

Temporidus : Who dares criticise Temporidus The Wonder Sword?

Beaucaphalus : [Loudly] It is I, Beaucaphalus the Wonder Sword! [Quietly, to the others] Sheesh, he's got a big head, doesn't he?

Harvey : [Quietly] Alright troop, who do we trust more, the Knights, or Torque? It's quite possible that the evil one he refers to is Darius, and we have been fooled into killing Torque. But on the other hand, Torque is undoubtedly mad. So, should we kill him now, or hold back and wait, possibly destroying our initiative?

[There is some banging on the door, followed by a voice calling in.]

Voice : Adam! Are you okay?

Adam : I am fine, Kenny, there is nothing to worry about. [To the party] I am going downstairs - you may come if you wish, but if you do not, it would be better for you if you were not here when the Kennys come in.

Chastity : [Blessing herself] Oh dear, I really don't know what to do, Colonel. I'd be much happier if one of the men decided.

Clint : [To Adam] Why are you running to hide into the basement? And which souls are you supposely going to protect by doing so? And which of the Horsemen is in town, what's his name, and how do you know he's in town?!? Lots of unanswered questions, Torque!

Adam : [Turns and sneers at Clint] Unanswered simply because you are too stupid to follow what is going on. I am not hiding in the basement, I am preventing anyone from accessing the gate to Hell, where he will probably charge an Orb of Hades. With this he will be able to resurrect Iok Sotot, the original leader of the horsemen. And, as for how I know that Death is in town? Quite simple, I saw him with you, at my sermon earlier today. It is easier for him to enter the town than the Sotots, being devils the town is protected from them - Death was a normal human.

Austin : [To Adam] Wait a second, we are going to have to work together on this one, tell the Kennys we are not the enemy, or evil shall triumph as we battle amongs ourselves. That is what the evil desires! We shall come with you to protect the Hell mouth. [Lights a cigarette (in holder) Moves to wards Adam] There were several people with us at your sermon, they called themselves the Roving band of Racial Sterotypes! Vasco de Sao Nuno Gomes, Duncan Conor MacLeod, Fenton Braser and Dicey "Fortycoats" O Reilly .

Harvey : A normal human? Then it can't be Dicey! [To the others, voice lowered] Let us follow Torque to the basement, and see if there is any truth to this story. But keep on your guard, friends, for it may be a trap! After, we can then better decide who is telling the truth.

Adam : [Pointing at Harvey, with an evil more than wicked look than normal curling about his upper lip] You sir, disgust me. I am offering you the chance to help in the eternal fight against evil, yet still you speak as though I am leading you to a trap. I have made a leap of faith by trusting you and your party, if you do not reciprocate that trust, I suggest you leave. [Turns to Austin] You, on the other hand, sir, are far more pragmatic. Desperate times make strange bedfellows, and you are right, we must co-operate. None of those names you mention are familiar to me, but that is not to say that Death hasn't changed his mind.

Alice : Strange bedfellows? Is that this whole gay thing again?

Harvey : [Laughs coldly] Sir, you are the one who disgusts! You planned to murder an innocent beautiful young woman because she would not back your plan to infect the country with a horrific disease! You obviously have scant regard for life, despite your self professed age and wisdom! Is it a wonder that I find trust a hard thing to find!

Adam : I have more regard for people's souls than their mere mortal existence. I repeat, if you find it so difficult to trust me, I suggest you get out. I do not any one around me who is simply waiting for a chance to stab me in the back.

Alice : Er, like you did with Maria?

Adam : [Thundering] Silence! I am leaving now, if you wish to help, you are more than welcome. If you wish to add no more than you already have, criticism and complaint, then go your own way. [Opens the door]

Austin : [To Chastity] Quick, cast a spell to see if Adam is evil!

Chastity : [In a low voice] I already have, and he doesn't appear to be.

Harvey : Well, regardless of my own personal opinion, if there is an evil villian to be fought, then we are your men. [Bows to Alice and Chastity] And women, of course. We will join together to stop this Hells mouth from being opened.

Adam : [Sneering at Harvey] I'm so glad to hear that. [Unbolts the door.]

[Enter KENNY WHO? and KENNY WHY?]

Kenny Who? : What the hell? [Draws his sword]

Harvey : Hello again. [Places his hand on his swords pommel] Kenny Who? : They killed Kenny! Kenny Why? : And, they killed Kenny!

Adam : That as maybe, but they are with us now. We are all fighting the good fight!

Austin : [To the Kenny] Yes, we can but offer our sinceres applogies for dispatching, but it seems that the evils have tricked us into believing that you guys were the evil ones, which wasn't hard since you were going to kill Maria. We must fight on the same side now, against the true evil! [Blows a smoke ring]

Adam : He is correct, they are now on our side. [Glances at Harvey] At the moment. Let us descend, there is much work to do.

[Exit ADAM, followed by the others.]

[Book II, Act VI, Scene IX. The Palace Basement. HARVEY, JEROME, ALICE, ADAM, CHASTITY, ALICE and AUSTIN are here. The basement is a large, cold room, with a huge altar at one end, and a stair case at the other.]

Adam : Behold, the Hell mouth! It is beneath the altar.

Alice : Why? To stop stuff from getting out?

Adam : No, to stop people from here getting in. Once in hell, nothing can get out, unless someone up here brings an Orb of Hades to the mouth, then they can bring back someone.

Clint : Cool!, then we can bring up Lenin, that old bastard!

Alice : Or better still, send you back down there!

Clint : Nah!, that place is full of my family already! I should now that, I've sent a few down there myself!

Harvey : [Laughs loudly, then stops suddenly] Eh?

Alice : Er, okay. [Steps away from Clint]

Adam : [Drawing his sword] Be ready. I have numerous guards on the ground floor, so we will have some warning of any attack.

Harvey : [Takes out his sword] Okay troop, I want you all on your guard. An attack may come from anywhere! [To Torque] You say you saw Death today, what did he look like. We may be able to tell you exactly who he is.

Austin : [Musing] Hmm... yes I do believe that that would be most helpful. It would certainly make it easier to kill him.

Adam : Okay, he -

[ADAM is interrupted by a huge explosion at the far end of the basement. Clearly, something has exploded outside and above the basement, but has collapsed in. There is a brief slide of rubble and fire, showering the end of the room.]

Alice : Holy shit!

Chastity : Alice! There is no need for such language.

Alice : Sorry, sister, its just being so close to hell and all.

Chastity : Humph!

Harvey : [Turns to face the rubble] By the saints! Everyone ready! Clint, take up a flanking position, good doctor, make ready with a few fireballs! Good sister, crouch safely behind the altar, and pray for our souls! Make ready, troop!

Clint : Fucking hell! [Looks at the Altar, then to the group] I really shouldn't be saying this here, should I?

Chastity : [From behind the altar] You naughty boy, you shouldn't be saying that anywhere!

[Enter SLUG, walking through the knee high fire, playing a killer bass line on his bass guitar.]

Alice : Wow! This is just like a heavy metal concert!

Clint : [Looking horrified to Slug] Fucking hell! Whatever happened to you, your motorcycle caught fire or something? [Holds Beaucaphalus ready]

Harvey : Gah! He's playing the devils music!

Alice : Yes, but its kind of groovy, isn't it?

Adam : [Throws a small holy symbol across the room, hitting Alice on the head with it] Do not have truck with the deviant music!

[Enter STRAHD, MORTICE and ANIMAL, each playing a different instrument, joining in with SLUG. They, too, stand in the fire.]

Adam : What the hell is going on here?

Clint : Hello? What is wrong with you fellas, Halloween is only next month, and besides I didn't bring my costume!

Alice : You look scary enough to me, Clint!

Harvey : [To Torque] What is going on here? Do they plan to deafen us to death? By the saints, the noise!

Adam : [Pale faced] I don't know! I've never seen anything like it.

[Enter DANGSTEN BLACKHEART, walking past the band, he stops just beyond the flame, and smiles at the party.]

Adam : What is that?

Dangsten : [To Adam] I'm Dangsten Blackheart, who the hell are you?

Harvey : [Steps back in surprise] You! Of all the fiends! [Holds up his sword, turning slightly to Torque] Hate to tell you, old boy, but we definitely did not bring those creatures into the city!

Dangsten : [Doing a cool finger jive in time to the music] He's truthin'. I used one of these [holds out a small, heart-shaped metal box, that fits in the palm of his hand] forty four tortures later, and here I am. [Blows a kiss to Austin] Hi Austin!

[The party can see that DANGSTEN's armour is made up of fingers, eight of which are tiny CONTAGIONs, complete with hands and legs, all of which are screaming in agony.]

Adam : [Looking at the box] Oh my God!

Chastity : [Looks up from prayer] Are you familiar with that box, Adam? [Continues in prayer]

Adam : It is a resurrection device. It needs to be charged up using the energy of tortured souls - I believe that he will use it to resurrect Iok Sotot.

Dangsten : [Roaring laughing] Iok Sotot? I don't think so! [Laughs some more.]

[All the while, the band hammer away at their instruments.]

Harvey : [Looking in disgust at the armour] Well whatever your plans are, we are here to stop you! And could you keep down that bloody racket!

Dangsten : [Drawing his sword] Yes. Yes I could.

Adam : [Shouting to Harvey] I don't know who he is, but to have charged up the resurrection device, he must be terribly evil, and, couple that with the loud music, well, need I say more?

Dangsten : Evil? Moi? [Shuffles across the floor in time to the music, to the north wall] I fear I'll never be truly evil, because I'm not religious enough. [Bangs his sword against the wall, revealing it to be plaster, about 30' square falls off it, showing a huge cell behind it.]

[The cell is full of Salies sufferers, who are all screaming and calling out to the party for help.]

Austin : [To Dangsten] Oh hello. I see your dress sense has not improved any since our last encounter. [blows a smoke ring or two, casualy]

Harvey : [Looks at the scalies] What's going on here? Why have you imprisoned these people?

Chastity : No doubt some abominable evil is strengthened through their continued torment and suffering. They've probably had to listen to that band for hours. Poor retches.

Dangsten : [Bangs the wall again, knocking the rest of the plaster down. There are hundreds of people in there, pathetically reaching out at the party] Well, well. Austin Sleaze, you are the cool guy, aren't you? You know, I dislike you the most, so I think I'll kill you last.

Alice : [Looking at the cell] Speaking of retches, I think I'm going to be sick!

Adam : [To the party] Their suffering helps protect the hellmouth - by taking their disease and death with [speaks loudly to be heard over the screaming] dignity they serve us all. [Beseeching the party] I had to do it - don't you see?

Alice : Why? In case Dangsten came in here?

Harvey : [Swings around sharply to face Adam, shaking with anger] You did this? You trapped all of these people here? You're no better than that...[points to Dangsten]...creature!

Dangsten : You tell him, Harv! You've got more spunk than any of the others. [Smiles to himself] Although, I'm sure Austin will have more in a while.

Adam : [Flustered] Do not question me! I defeated Iok Sotot and the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse! I can defeat whoever he is too!

Dangsten : Think of me as being a bit like Iok, except more evil.

Clint : [Distressed] Ok, all this shit is starting to hit my brain! [To Harvey] Colonel, just tell me who is the bad guy, so that Beau and me will take care of him!

Austin : [Walking to the cell at our end of the room, to pick the lock and free the imprisoned. To Dangsten] You are a pittyful creature, Dangsten. Ouite the most sorry creature ever to exist, Dangsten. Perhaps Dungsten would be more approprate, although that would be to slander dung, most certainly. Anyway, you may boast all you like but you will never comr close to even hurting mygoodself, for you lack the power. All this time you have been planing and plotting, blissfully unaware of the greater powers at work [Smiles to himself]

[AUSTIN tries to pick the padlock, but has no luck.]

Dangsten : [Covers his mouth with his hand] Gasp! I'm so wounded! [Shouts at the crowd] Shut up! [Calmly again, to the party] So, are we gonna do this, or what? [Readies his sword]

Harvey : The only person who can injure him is you, Clint. You and Beaucaphalus. [Looks at the rest of the band] The others, however...

Chastity : [To Adam] You wouldn't happen to have any more of those Orbs would you? Oh, and how much do you know about this alter. If we could get it to permanently seal this door to Hell we'd be half way towards our goal. [Examines alter for any writings, etc]

Clint : I'll take your orders, Colonel. [With a devious look, to Dangsten] Let's dance.

[The altar is covered in all kinds of holy writings, mainly protection spells and prayers.]

Adam : [To Chastity] No, I don't have any more. We will have to fight him to the death.

Dangsten : [To Harvey] Ah, come on now, Harv, you've gotta believe in yourself! [Smiles at Clint] So, you're the guy that killed Pestilence? Pretty impressive, but you've got to go. [Advances towards Clint, swishing his sword about.] Please ignore the previous #035

Harvey : [Shrugs] Magic sword or no magic sword, only one way to find out! [Attacks Dangsten]

Clint : [Joins Harvey in the attack]

Austin : [Attempts to stealthly get behind Dangsten and stab him in the back]

[CLINT, HARVEY and ADAM charge at DANGSTEN, and attack.]

Dangsten : Let's rock!

[HARVEY shudders, as though eloctrocuted, and the band pick up the pace of the playing.]

Alice : Harvey!

Harvey : G....a....h! [Tries to walk slowly away from Dangsten, sparks flying from his woolen jacket]

Chastity : [Quickly mumbles incantation towards Dangsten] Come on, Alice, lets get your Uncle clear [Rushes towards Harvey]

Alice : You get him, I'll sort out Dangsten!

[ALICE joins in with ADAM and CLINT attacking DANGSTEN, while AUSTIN has sneaked around the back, and proceeds to attack him from behind.]

Adam : [Hitting Dangsten] Cleanse and purify!

Dangsten : [As Adam falls to the ground] Cleansed and purified! [Makes a grab at Alice.]

Alice : [Shaking in the same manner as Harvey] Aaaah! [Falls to the ground.]

[CHASTITY grabs HARVEY and starts pulling him back to the altar, while JEROME fires a magic missile at DANGSTEN.]

Clint : You fucking bastard, meet the magic blade! [Keeps fighting with Dangsten, throws another blow]

Harvey : [Slowly, to Chastity] Please...tend...to...Alice! Please!

Chastity : [Still pulling Harvey to the alter] Alice! Can you hear me? I cast a spell that will hopefully give us some protection within 10 feet of the alter. Can you make it?

Clint : [Keeps facing and fighting Dangsten, while trying to back slowly to the Altar]

Austin : [Will have a go at picking Dangstens pocket for the 'heart' box thing (If Adam is a gonner Austin will grab Tempordius for his next attack), blows a sideways smoke ring, and grimaces at Dangstens poor taste in foot wear]

Alice : Oh, God..... I think so. [Starts to pull herself up using the bars of the cell, but is grabbed by some of the sreaming people in there] Get off me!

[CLINT and DANGSTEN swing at each other, while AUSTIN attempts another backstab.]

Dangsten : [Flinching as Clint hits him] Ow! No wonder you took out Pestilence. [Cuts him back, before grabbing Austin, who shakes and falls to the ground like Alice and Harvey.]

Harvey : [Slowly] Must free those people! [Slowly makes his way over to Adam, and will search him for the keys to the cells]

Clint : [Tries to hit Dangsten while he is looking back to Austin] You fucker! Nobody messes with Clint Scar! Think you're good? Think again! Die, you bastard! [Will also try to kick Temporidus towards Harvey, if possible]

Austin : [Goes for the altar]

People : [As Harvey searches unsuccessfully through Adam's stuff] Help us! Please!

Dangsten : [Parrying Clint's blow, before cutting him deeply on the arm] I hope you die as bravely as Pestilence did! [Smiles as Clint kicks Temporidus to Harvey]

Jerome : [As Austin staggers back to the altar] Here goes nothing! Banzai! [Charges at Dangsten with his dagger]

Dangsten : [Pushing Jerome away from him] Nothing is right! [Jerome falls to the ground, twitching]

Harvey : [Picks up the sword, and slowly gets to his feet] Goodbye Alice! [Attacks Dangsten with Temporidus]

Chastity : I don't think we've got time for keys! [Rushes over to one of the easterly cells, keeping out of the way of the outreaching hands] Stand back, I'll try to free you. [Attempts to smash one of the locks with her mace]

Clint : For the sake of Louis XIV! [Tries to attack Dangsten at the same time as Harvey]

Chastity : [To people holding on to Alice] Let the girl go, you retches. [To Alice] Pull yourself free, dear. Forgive me Phili, [Uses her mace to smash out at the hands/arms holding onto Alice to free her], but we need the girl with us.

Chastity : [To people holding on to Alice] Let the girl go, you retches. [To Alice] Pull yourself free, dear. Forgive me Phili, [Uses her mace to smash out at the hands/arms holding onto Alice to free her], but we need the girl with us.

[HARVEY and CLINT both swing at DANGSTEN, but both miss. In return, a diabolical stab almost cuts CLINT in half, while at the same time he catches HARVEY by the throat, causing him to shake and shudder until blood trickles out of his nose and ears.]

Dangsten : [In time to the still thumping music] Danny don't like the teacher, Danny don't like the school. One day Danny's gonna do something to show 'em he's no one's fool.

[CHASTITY tries to smash the padlock, but can't get near it with all the people trying to grab at her. Meanwhile, JEROME is still but a twitching pile on the ground, while AUSTIN has almost made it to the altar.]

Alice : [Struggling to get away from the people in the cell] No! Please! Harvey!

Chastity : [To people holding on to Alice] Let the girl go, you retches. [To Alice] Pull yourself free, dear. Forgive me Phili, [Uses her mace to smash out at the hands/arms holding onto Alice to free her], but we need the girl with us.

[The people cry out in pain as CHASTITY the merciless beats them, but they let go, dropping ALICE to the ground.]

Dangsten : [Walks past Chastity and Alice, and catches Austin by the scruff of the neck] You've had this coming, soft boy. I shall rape you and reap you, and eat your soul myself.* [Drags Austin the far side of the altar, and smacks him down on it face first, so he can see the others in the party] Don't go anywhere, Aussie. [With all his might, drives his sword through Austin's shoulder, and pins him to the altar.]

[A purple mist starts to rise from each of HARVEY and CLINT, each of which begin to dissipate slowly.]

Jerome : [Grabs Beaucaphalus] It would appear to the esteemed Doctor Jerome K Trindle, BSc, PhD, that once again, Jeromitus and his sword must sadly forgo brains in favour of sweat inducing brawn...thus! [Attempts to stab Dangsten through the back]

Chastity : [Pulls Alice just out of reach of the flailing arms and drops her] I suppose I'd best get the other sword to help to good Doctor.[Rushes over to pick up Temporidus, shouting to Austin] Clench, Lawyer, clench for your life, by Phili!!

[JEROME staggers towards the altar, but is still twitching badly from his shock, and is clearly having difficulty.]

Beaucaphalus : Come on, Doc! We can take him!

[DANGSTEN leaps over the altar, using AUSTIN as leverage, and lands in front of JEROME.]

Dangsten : You got to be joking!

[DANGSTEN easily cuts JEROME's arm, and, although apparantly off balance, still grabs him to administer a shock. JEROME swings but misses, and is thrown to the floor by DANGSTEN, who is now laughing.]

Dangsten : Man, this is too easy! [Smiles over at Chastity who has just picked up Temporidus] Well now, what will we do with you? [Sings along with the music as he advances on her and Alice] Sisters, Brothers make better lovers. Family affairs down under the covers...

Alice : [Very weak, and clearly unable to attack] Give me Temporidus, Sister, I'm going to kill him!

Austin : [With a pathetic whimper] Help me!

Jerome : [Lying on the ground] Note to self, spur of the moment theories concerning brain versus brawn, should first be tested at great length in the laboratory. Ouch. [Waits for some strength to return]

Chastity : [To Jerome] Doctor, get up. As the abomination sings, we must attack together to defeat this abomination [To Alice] You are too weak, my child. Flee, for you hold the future of the group. The Doctor and I shall give you time. [Steps between Alice and Dangsten, singing over the band's noise] Brother's and Sisters, Fight evil for Phili. Together combined, We will make it look silly. [Stands ground, waiting for Dangsten to come to her, then attacks. Still singing/screaming] For Phili, for Phili.

Dangsten : You know, I think I much prefered Immaculata.

[They clash, but CHASTITY is clearly out of her league with the sword, and is so awkward that DANGSTEN finds it difficult to hit her, but hit her he does. This is followed by a swift punch, that knocks her to the floor.]

Temporidus : Foolish nun! How dare you have the arrogance to think that you have the power to wield [shouts] Temporidus The Wonder Sword!

Dangsten : [Picking up Temporidus, and turning to Alice] Now, why were they all so keen to protect you? I wonder..

Jerome : Run Alice! Run for the stairs! [Attacks Dangsten]

Chastity : [Getting back up, shakely] Halt thine squealing, Blunder Sword. [Drops the sword, with distain, and pulls out her mace] Alice, get out. [Joins Jerome in attack] For Phili!

[JEROME staggers to his feet, but is easily pushed over by DANGSTEN, who turns to ALICE, and holds his sword to her throat, forcing her to hold her head up.]

Dangsten : [Smiling] Oh! Now I see! Three for the price of one! [Glances over at Austin] Well, lover boy, I told you I'd kill you last, so here goes. [Glances at Chastity] Make a move, and I'll cut her throat.

[Enter DARIUS, walking down the stairs, sword in hand.]

Chastity : [Looking at Darius] Is this the Phili sent cavalry?

Jerome : [Thumps the ground in frustration] Alice, no! What I wouldn't give for an egg whisk, a helium balloon, three clothes pegs and an skilift pass, then, [looks at Dangsten] then, you'd be easy fodder for the Trindle Anti-grav Brain Rearranger(TM), patent pending! [Spots Darius, and sighs in relief]

Darius : [Blood stained sword in hand, gives a little laugh] I'm afraid not. [Walks down to Alice and Dangsten]

Jerome : Hmm, Dr Jerome K Trindle, BSc PhD would like to express his shock and severe disappointment at this juncture in the proceedings and would furthermore like to add the following. Bastard!

Alice : That's a bit of an understatement, Jerry!

Darius : [To Dangsten] Has the resurrection box been charged with Pestilence's soul?

Dangsten : It sure has. I've just a little unfinished business here. [Smiles at Alice, who still has the sword to her throat, and is panting heavily with the effort of staying above the sword]

Darius : [Smiles] I've a better idea, why not leave them alive? That way you can feed of the fear and negative energy they will generate from the deaths of their friends.

Dangsten : [Looks at Darius for a few moments without speaking, before breaking into a laugh] Excellent! No wonder Iok liked you so much, Death! [Leans over Alice saying] I leave your party with the knowledge that the only reason you live is because I choose it. [Lets her go and throws a green orb onto the ground, which causes a green shimmering circle of about 20' diameter to appear, which he, Darius and the band walk towards. Before entering, he turns and calls to Austin] Don't you go forgetting about me, lover! [Carries on singing] Twenty two miles of hard road, thirty three years of tough luck, forty four skulls buried in the ground, crawling down through the muck.

[The band enter the circle and disappear after DANGSTEN, followed by DARIUS, who stops at the edge, and gives a sheepish look to the party, before shrugging, smiling and walking in, dropping a small leather satchel on the ground behind him as he does so. As soon as he enters, the circle disappears.]

Alice : [Falling onto the ground, and rolling over on her back, covering her face with her hands] Oh, God, I can't take much more of this.

[The PRISONERS continue their screaming, clearly in great pain.]